Connecticut western news., 1880-12-22
WIT AND WISDOM.


 "SouND to the corps"-The drums beating tho call to fall in.
 "I HAD rather have newspapers with out government" said Jefferson, than government without newspapers"
 WHEN you do not need help from any one then any one will help you; and when you do need help the world is somehow always looking the other way.
 TIE girl who cannot get beau
 By any other plan,
 Goes quickly to the dry goods store
 And buys a dol-man.
 JUDGE to an unprepossessing tramp: "What are your means of living ?" 1T am an inventor" "Ah, Indeed. And what have you invented?" "Nothing as yet but am on the lookout"
 TIE wise ones say that nothing is so hard to bear as prosperity; but most men would like to engage in some hard work of that description just to have Q practical illustration of the adage.
 TWELVE young men in Damariscotta are taking lessons on band instruments, and the people have come to think that railroad debt is by no means the worst thing that town can have on its hands. I SAID to my little girl one day "what large forehead you have. Itis just like your fathers; you could drive pony carriage round it. "Yes, ma, but on pas you can see the marks Of the wheels.
 THERE is only one person who makes himself more ridiculous than he who IS in society for the first time, and that person is he who is anxious that all should know that he is used to this thing, you know.
 A YOUNG man fond of joke recently stopped the stage near Brackett, Texas, at the point of Q pistol, and made all hands get out. He then informed them that they could keep their money, but owed him treat of whisky, which was given with will.
 "Do YOU love her still ?" asked the Judge of & man who wanted divorce. "Certainly I do," said he; "I love her better still than any other way, but the trouble is she never will be still The Judge, who is married man him. self, takes the case under advisement
 MAMMA (to William, who is crying be- cause the baby is sick); "Don't make noise, William" William: All right, ma. I'll dow down to pas room and read the Bible." Mamma: But you can't read, Willie" William: "No; but I con spell the little words and Dod'u know the big ones"
 A GALVESTON man went to Q doctor md told him, "Doctor, there is some- thing the matter with my brain. After anv severe mental exertion have head ache. What is the best remedy for itY" "The best remedy is to get yoursen elected to the Legislature, where you will have no occasion to think.
 PRESIDENT LINCOLN once listened pa tiently while friend read long manu- script to him, and then asked: "What do you think of it How will 1t take ' The President reflected little while, and then answered: "Well, for people who like that kind of thing I think that is just about the kind of thing they'd like."
 Tu1s was what broke the engagement, at time, too, when they had both sworn to love each other "until death do us nart": He-"I never saw you look loyelier." She-"You are a flat He grabbed his hat, rushed from the house and has not been seen since. Sne added, mechanically, "-erer," and wept hysterically.
 A MISSOURI husband came home the other day and found handsome young man making love to his wife. Not until be had snatched the framed marriage certificate from the wall and hurled 1t into the grate and then proceeded to pulve~ize the bold young man, did he see that he had been badly fooled by e mischievous lady friend of his wife, who had arrayed herself in 0 suit of his clothes.
 ONE Sunday evening well-known re- vivalist preached from the text, "Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou meP" In the audience there was an engineer named Saul, who was accompanied by his wife and little girl. The reverend gentleman repeated his text several times, "Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou meP" At last the daughter of Saul, thinking that the text had per sonal application, lookedup into tho face