Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1880-06-25
f. U N

f. U N
How THEY SLEEP.-There is an article
going the rounds entitled, ssHow Gi1ls Go
to Sleep" The manner in which they 90
to sleep, according to the article, can't
hold a candle to the way married woman
goes to sleep. Instead Of thinking of what
she should have attended to before going
to bed, she thinks of it afterward. While
She is revolving these matters in her mind.
and while snugly tucked in bed, the old
man is scratching his shins in front of the
fire, and wondering how he will pay the
next month Is rent Suddenly she says:
flames did you lock the door?"
''No," says James.
"Well, you'd better go down and lock
it, for heard some one in the back yard
last night"
Accordingly James paddles down stairs
and locks the door. About the time James
returns and is going to get into bed she
remarks:
Ibid you shut the stair-door?"
'No," says James.
Then James paddles down stairs again,
and steps on tack, and closes the door.
and curses the cat. and returns to the bed
room. just as he begins to climb into his
couch his wife observes:
II forgot to bring up some water. Sup
pose you bring some in the big TIM
And so James, with muttered curse.
goes down into the dark kitchen, and fails
oyer chair, and rubs all the tinware off
the wall, in search of the "big" tin, and
then he jerks the stair door open and
bowls:
"Where the deuce are the matches?''
She gives him minute directions where
to find the matches, and then adds that
she would rather go and get the water her
self than to have the .neighborhood raised
about it; after which James finds the
matches, procures the water, comes up
stairs and plunges into bed. Presently his
wife says:
James, let's have an understanding
about money matters. Now, next week
I've got to pay
II don't know what you've got to pay,
and don't care" shouts James, as he
lurches around and jams his face against
the wall; ''all want is to go to sleep.'
ut seems to me you have no sense or
feeling" Whines his wife, s'and If you had
any respect for me you wouldn't eat on
ions before you come to bed This atmos-
phere of the room from the smell of onions
is horrid.''
Hereupon she begins to cry softly, but
about the time James is falling into gen
Tie doze she punches him in the ribs with
her elbow, and says:
'Did you hear that scandal about Mrs.
Jones?''
what Jones?" says James, sleepily.
Il DECLARE" says his wife, 'syou are get
ting more stupid every day. You know
Mrs. Jones that lives at No. q. Well.
day before yesterday Susan Smith told
Mrs. Thompson that Sam Baker had said
that Mrs. Jones had
Here she pauses and listens. James is
snoring in profound sluD1ter. With a sort
of rage she pulls all of the covers off of
him, wraps herself up in them and lays
awake until 2 a.. NJ, thinking how badly
abused she is. And that is the way mar
ried goes to sleep.
Supper is now ready in the smoking
carr shouted the brakeman, and young
man from Hartford who was on his way
to San Francisco got up and went forward
to see what the brakeman meant, He
went into the smoking car and found
party of Bavarian emigrants cooking two
kinds Of cheese and three denominations
of sausages on the stove. He came out
very pale and gave the brakeman half a
dollar to burn matches under his nose.-
''Was it very bad?" an old gentle man
asked him, when he returned to the coach.
SIR said the young man of Hartford,
ssyou,ll never smell anything like it until
you have been dead about six months. So
An ingenious person has discovered that
the three most forcible letters in our al
phabet are N r G.; the two which contain
nothing are M I; that four express great
cofpulence, O B e T; that we are in de-
cline, D X; that four indicate exalted sta
tionsK L N G, and three excite our tears
yet, when pronounced together, are neces-
sarY to good understanding EG.
Sure" said Pat, rubbing his head with
delight at the prospect of a present from
his employer, II always name to do duty"
II believe you,' replied the employer,
''and therefore shall make you present
of all that you have stolen from me during
the year, II thank your honor" Pat
retorted, "and may all your friends and
acquaintance treat you as liberally.''
A droll fellow up in Connecticut fished
rich man out of mill pond and received
the offer of twenty-five cents from the res
cued miser. ooh, that's too much ~ ex-
claimed he faint with it!'' and be hand
ed back twenty-one cents, saying calmly,
as he pocketed four cents, 'sthats about
right"
The editor of newspaper that has
adopted phonetic spelling in measure re-
ceived postal from an old subscriber in |
the country, which read as follows 81
hev tux your paper for leven yeres, but if
YOU kant spell any better than 70 have
been doin for the las to munths Won MAJ,
jes stoppit."
n,he Leadyille "Chroniele" tells of q
,sn who escaped with his life from the In
-, The man who escaped without