Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1880-06-04
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it all mite long, just to try the experiment,
and was obliged to go home sober in the
morning. have seen this same man
drink eigteen glasses, and if he wus drunk
it was in German, ana nobody could un-
derstand it.
It is proper enough to state that this
man kept lager beer saloon, and could
have no object in stating what was not
strictly thus.
I believe him to the full extent of my
ability I never drank but three glasses
of lager in my life, and that made my head
ontWist as tho it was hung on the end of
string. but was told it was owing to
my bile being out of place; and guess
that it was SO, for never did bile wuz
than did when I got home that mite.
My wife thot was going to die, and l
was afraid I shouldn't, for it seemed.as
tho everything had eaten in my life was
coming to the surface; and believe that
if my wife hadn't pulled off my boots just
as she did, they would hav cum thunder
ing up too.
o, how sick wuz! IA years ago, and
can taste it now.
| never had SO much experience in SO
short time
If any man should tell me that lager
beer was not intoxicating, I shud believe
him; but il he should tell me that wasn't
drunk that mite, but that my stomick was
out of order, should ask him to state
over a few words just how man felt and
acted when he was set up.
If warn't drunk tlat mite. I had some
ov the most natural simtums that m n
ever had and kept sober.
In the first place it was abou. 81 rods
from where drank the lager beer to mi
house, and was jest over two hours on
the road, and hole busted thro each one
of my pantaloon neez, and didn't have any
hat, and tried to open the door by the bell
pull and hiccuped awfully, and saw every
thing in the room trying to get round on
the backside of me, and sitting down on
a chair, did not wait long enough for it
to get exactly under me when I wuz going
round and | sat down little too soon and
missed the chair about twelve inches, and
couldn't get up soon enough to take the
next one that came along. and that amt
awl, nay wife said wuz drunk as beest,
and az sed before, began to spin up
things freely.
If lager beer is not Intoxicating it used
me most almighty mean, that know.
Still I hardly think that lager beer il in
toxicating. for hav been told so; and L
~ kIo Twin hn
drunk eny when his liver was not plumb.
l don't want to say anything against
harmless temperance beverage, but if l
drink eny more, it will be with mi hands
tied behind and mi mouth pried open.
don't think lager beer is intoxicating,
but if remember rite, l think it tasted
to me like glass of soap suds that pickle
had been put tew soak in.
A man told friend that he had joined
the army.
ssWhat regiment2'' his friend asked.
"Oh, don't mean that; mean the
army of the Lord.''
''Ah. what church,"
ssThe Baptists.''
"Why," was the reply. ''that's not the
army; it's the navy"
'sPoor fellow! he died in poverty!' said
a man of person lately deceased. THAT
isn't anything.'' exclaimed seedy by
stander. ''Dying in poverty is NO hard
ship. It's living in poverty that puts the
thumb-serews on fellow"
ksvnon oy,x,o nc Lo r,,lo m foil
my wife everything that happens" OBJ
served Browning. "Oh, my dear fellow,
that Is nothing" said Smithwlg; Il tell my
wife lots of things that never happen at
all.'
but, Freddie, how could you think of
calling auntie stupid? Go to her imme
diately and tell her you are sorry" Fred
die goes to auntie and says, "Auntie. am
sorry you are so stupid"
cit is high time church and state sep
arated in this country remarked an old
gentleman who heard somebody ask about
the different denominations of postage
stamps.
An insured man can do something for
his family if he has the good luck to die
before the failure of the company which
insures him.
Do you want billiards to advance two
dollars per bill? and opera tickets ten dol
lars per tick? and ulsters sixty dollars per
ulst?-then vote the opposition ticket
It was an apt answer of young lady.
who being asked where was her native
place, replied. 81 have none; am the
dau lighter of Methodist minister"
The danger signals put up by the wealth
er department of the army warn people TO
look out for borrowed umbrellas.
The thirst for continual novelty makes
people throw away good almanacs at the
end of every year and buy new ones.
How mad it would make cannibal to
60 hunting and kill nothing but Alexan-
der Stevens or Billy Malone.
The borrowing iend, who is always q
a little short Of change. is an enemy to
whom no quarter should be shown.
It doesn't tire man much to shake car
pets, for the simple reason that he permits
his wife to do it.
A dog which won't run from an elephant
will break his back to get away from an
oyster can.
Gloves last the longest with the lady
who wears diamond ring.