The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1880-08-21
VARIETY.

The mule always puts his best foot backwards.
One of the cheaptest things in the world is a
&easant smile.
" A man may sell toothbrushes on commission
ID still know more about the opera than many
ii our so-called critics.
!" Doctor, will you please examine my tongue
>bd tell me what il needs " asked q woman OF
<r physician. " 1t needs rest, madam"
1''I wish I had your head" said lady to
terary friend s' And wish had your heart, >
the reply They were duly married
#lt is illegal to catch trout except at certain
hsons it is perfectly legal to lie about catch
n them at any and al seasons.
Homes not merely four square walls.
Home Is where the baby squalls.
M where the wife says "a shut your head"
IA man n eye never sparkles so much like a
bwery diaInond when he happens to look
trough an old vest and discovers a dime wedged
y the lining.
n In Georgia the ladies often hunt rabbits with
tptguns- Nobody thinks II out of the way. liz
Is the rabbits no harm and keeps the ladies
pu having the dyspepsia.
Bridget And how shall I cut the pole,
nm?T Lady OF the House. Cut it into quar-
r." Bridget And how miuny quarters wud
~ iutDf
They were at a dinner party, and he remarked
Ht he supposed she was fond Of ethnOlogy.
ID said she was, but she was not very well, and
~ doctor had told her not to eat anything for
|tsert but oranges.
A Kansas schoolma am introduced new fea-
"a in her school When one OF the girls mis-
Ms word the boy who spells it gets permission
\ kiss her. As a result, the girls are pOSr spell
W., while the boys are improving.
He was informed that q lady had called to see
M in his absence. " A lady," he mused aloud,
lady. Upon an accurate description he
khtened up, and added - Oh, dot vas no
dot vas my wife.
n SomebOdy says the devil only came into the
I'D after woman was placed here" Right
|cn are, my Son. II there had been only men in
NJ world, the devil would never come into the
H1Fd He could have found better company at
When a Boston woman sees a tramp in the
|<rk yard, she don't get nervous. Oh no.
> only calls out to him (: " You old fossil
nnrian. IL I catch your Pliocene footprints
<rnnd the premises again, III break your gano-
~ vertibrse and hand your Silurian remains
- to the police
What is the worst thing about riches ?" asked
NJ Sunday school superintendent And the new
"a in the bad class under the gallery, who only
be in last Sunday stood up and said - Their
&rcitv' And in his confusion the superinten-
a told the school to rise and sing - Don't be
Rry. children"
Ne renlv To Curious for positively the
~ time. that the name of the present Vice
<sideut of the United States is Wheeler
&rve B. Wheeler, or something like that. We
not reply to such puerile questions alter
issue No body can have any possible oo-
W. in knowing the V. P.'s name, and 1t the peo-
would ONLY take the trouble TO make memo
ida at the time of similar obscure historical
b they would save the papers lots OF trouble
y is the last time, mind
4 OuxyR SoRr OF A BLEssISG.-A gentleman
y town near Boston invited home TO dinner
Il dav one of the deacons of the church he at
@ded' The guest offered blessing at the table.
|zich proceeding greatly excited the curiosity OF
III gentleman s iTe-year-Old SOD, who sat beside
4 deacon and interviewed him on the subject.
n. What was that you said p he began
3. It was a blessing on the food We are about
lat" replied the deacon.
a A what
why. blessing. Don't your father ask
&ssing at the table
4. Oh. yes ; but he don't say it that way"
How does he say it?
\. WHY. be sits down and looks at the table
Id says, Oh. the devil 10 this all you've got
dinner 2''-Sprinzfeld Republican.
IA census enumerator in Sc. Louis surprised
bred couple in the act Of fighting like wildcats
ey suspended hOstilities upon the approach OF
- census man, and gazed with astouishment at
n big book which be carried. "What do you
snt?" the eolored man asked. {" I am taking
census" said the enumerator. "I want
ur-'' - You can't git ours, kase we amt
- any," said the colored man. Do you see
& pot on de stove yonder? Look into it. You
see nOthin' in it, do you? went to work
de Ieyee dis mawnin', and fore left glib
ia-s dollar an quarter to git dinner wild.
bite man, it's dinner time now, amt it? Of
arse it is, but dinner amt ready, nor likely to
De<e ain't no peryisions in de house neider
4e dollah an quarters gone. Julia's done
rt it for whisky. Do you 'spOse If she'd had
rnses she'd spent dat dollah an quarter
hisky? Do you 'spose if I'D had senses I'd
nr the dollah an quarter L guess notf'