Connecticut western news., 1880-08-04
WIT AND WISDOM.

ALWAYS cut OH Ill It's pflme-An 1n- terest coupon.
 COMMISSIONER Le Due, in his crop reports, never mentions the hops at the seaside.
 "SEE HERE, John, is your sweetheart n factory girl?" "Yes, William, satis- factory" THE highest reach of human science is the scientific recognition of human ignorance.
 THE superiority of some men is merely local. They are great because their as- sociations are little. THE TIME of life when the young mans mind turns fondly to dress is unpleasant ly called the garb age.
 Aor always so that the immediate mo- tive of thy will may become universal rule for all intelligent beings. OPINION is the main thing which does good or harm in the world It is our false opinions of things which ruin us.
 IF YOU would be pungent, be brief for it is with words as with sunbeams- the more they are condensed, the deeper they burn.
 "YoU never saw my hands as dirty as that" said a petulant mother to her little girl. "No, but your ma did," was the reply.
 IRRITABLE schoolmaster: "Now, then, stupid, what's the next word? What comes after cheese?" Dull boy: "A mouse, sir."
 KANSAS school teacher: "Where does our grain go to?" "Into the hopper "What hopper?" "Grasshopper, tri- umphantly shouted scholar.
 MILTON was asked if he intended to instruct his daughter in the different lan~ guages, to which he replied: "No, sir One tongue is sufficient for woman p
 "ITs NOT the phisky man dhrinks that makes him dizzy" said O'Flaherty, 'but t'slukin' at the bartinder's diamond through the bottom iv the tumblers, be gorra!'
 A 1IaHTNINa-RoD agent was struck by lightning the other day, and the phe- nomenon can only be accounted for on the theory that the electric fluid got tired of being lied about.
 WHAT was it? I went out into the woods and got it. After got it looked for it. The more I looked for it the less I liked it. I brought it home in my hand because Icouldn't find it. Asliver.
 A NORTH CAROLINA man will work four hours to chop down a tree that coon is in, but nothing would induce him to split up enough wood to cook the supper with. The latter proceeding isn't sport.
 "How CAME you to fail in your exami- nation ?" asked the tutor. "I thought I crammed you thoroughly" "Well, you see, replied the student, " the fact was you crammed me so tight couldn't get out ;"
 SEVEN Leavenworth doctors gathered around man who fell on the walk. Four called it case of sunstroke, and the other three said it was a fit. Along came small boy and proved that it was banana peel.
 THE treasure house of mans life is his heart, and he who has nothing there is poverty stricken, though he roll in gold; while he who has good deal there is rich, whether he has roof over his head or not.
 "HoLE on dar," said colored man, hailing on acquaintance. "Does yer cross de street ebery time yer sees me ter keep from payin' dat billP" "No, I doesn't." "What fur den?" "Ter keep from bein' axed fur it.
 A PARIS BOHEMIAN is telling his mode of life to friend from the provincial dis tricts. "In the morning I awake, " says he, "and ring for my valet de chana6re." How you keep Uatet de chane6re 2" We'll, no, but keep bell"
 "THNK twice before you speak once" That is good enough rule for some people, but there are folks who can think of so much meaner things to say the sec- ond time trying that we prefer to hear their first inspiration on the subject.
 A YOUNG and beautiful Philadelphia maiden was rapidly sinking with the lockjaw when her physician conceived the happy idea of holding spoonful of ice cream to her lips. The moment he did so she opened her jaws and shrieked, "Don't give me little plate; make it big one."
 "LooK heah, squire, dars niggah in Galveston what's been sassin' me. Sup posing I ies maui de life outen himP' The lawyer replied "You would be apt to get your neck stretched" "Now, boss, you is iokin'. What do white folks care for one niggah noah, or less now de census is done tuck ?'
 "How came these holes in your el- bows?" said @ widowed mother to her only son. ooh, mother, I hid behind the sofa when Colonel Gobler was saying to Maria that he'd take her even if you had to be thrown in; and he didn't know was there; and so held my tongue and laughed in my sleeves till l burs. 'em."
 Now THAT the political campaign is open, the business in certain descriptions of hardware ought to increase the de- mand for hammers and nails for use when tbere is to be "another lie nailed ;" for spikes, when "the enemy's guns are spiked, :" and the call for stoves in which to keep "the old fires still burning" ought to be immense.
 UNDER the head of "Sensible Advice" an agricultural journal prints an article advising young men to buy farm. There are thousands of young men in this country who cannot raise money l. Aln hinc nf fN(0