The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1880-01-31
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

deceiving age-Sausage.
Always tlred-Carriage wheels.
Best when out-A bad cigar.
A bad scent-The smoke Of ditto.
Playing bawl-Fcigning to cry.
A recent discovery is a telephone talked to
death by barber.
Pride hath two seasons: forward spring
aud an early fall
"Mr. Jones will please take the chair, as MIS-
Jones said when they were moving.
The Bernhart has been i'll, and even now she is
no better than she should be-Pdris Letter
Chief Douglas says the right way to settle the
Indian question is to have all the white folks
killed of.
"a good starting point" says Mr., Dusen5erry,
ais the sharp end Of crooked pin on your
chair"
Pretty girls are very thick in Morocco The
Moors don't consider a girl pretty until she
weighs over 800.
The Begun Of Bhopal is pronounced one OF
the cleverest women IN India The Caewgum OF
Vassar is the smartest girl in New York.
The man who runs deanery is a dean. What
is the man who runs beanery:-Boston Past.
The chances are that he is Bostonan.
1t is estimated that in this country only one
person in five hundred owns horse. Are we n
neighshun ?-Chicdgo Times.
A young man in Bridgeport, Vt, thus answered
an invitation from lady to attend a leap year
party "Deer Miss, yours reseeved-1 tumble"
The attempt OF the fusionists in Maine to work
with republican tools is equal to a shoemaker
starting out with his kit of tools to crack safes in
opposition to thoroughly equipped band Of
London cracksmen.
Why does dog wear more clothes in summer
than in winter. Because in winter he wears only
his coat, but in summer he wears his coat and
pants
Upon a modest gravestone in Vincennes Gene
terry appears the plaintive legend; ellis ncghbOr
played the cornet."
man having fallen down in fit in a tailor
shop, an envious rival said "That is the only fl
ever seen in that establishment"
lady asked Beecher If he favored early mar
riages. eyes, marry early and often" said he
Beechor can't get politics off his mind.-Va. Ga
Sette.
'iWanted--a girl" impored an exchange
some time back; but the blind forces Of nature
moved pitilessly on, and 1t was boy.-RochesterI
Express.
man and lion met one night
But they never met again,
For the man away with all his might,
And the lion with all his main.
The usefulness OF Maj. White, the revivalst,
was impaired at Rochester, Mimi, by The dscov-
cry that his musical aid was the man who had
sung songs in that place from patent medicine
wagon.
Julia asks the Norrlstown He3uld: "Wnl you
please tell me what Mrs. Hayes wore at her New
Years reception" Yes, we'll tell you. She
wore clothes If you had bet, Julia, that she
didn't you have lost.
One OF the Joliet churches last week held a
tramp sociabe. Those who attended wore all
the Oldest and shabbiest clothes they could rake
up. Several of the Joliet editors, not under.
standing the programme went In their best, but
no one noticed the difference.
St. Louis girls have way Of teasing Chicago
girls They say, "My dear, l would not like to
be in your shoes"
Sea serpents are usually patient and harmless,
but the last one is reported as being rampant
and having a big jaw" Is there another Ohio
man aioat?
She was plump and beautiful, and he was wild
ly fond of her. She hated him, but, woman like,
strove to catch him. He was flea.
Young Fred, a bashful yet persistent swain,
Was very much in love with Mary Jane.
One night she told him, in her tenderest Tone
at is not good for man to be alone"
Said Fred Just SO, you darling little elf;
I've often thought Of that same thing myself"
Then said the lass, while Fred was all agog, /,
"You ought to buy yourself terrier dog"
He took the hint and left.
". Y. Sun. t
SIS there no way" writes an agricultural cor
of keeping eggs from turning
bsdW Well no really nfalible means have been
discovered, we believe, but hound pup, about
SIX months old, will come about as near it us
Anything else, IL you leave the henery doors
open. About one pup sufficient for farm of $50
acres.
-Four years ago the republicans proved to the
world that they could steal whole nation, but
TIE fgsonsts of Maine have demonstrated that
they cannot even hold a little rock bound coast
The hardest thing that minister has to deal
With in his profession is that solemn and critical
male member Of his flock who possesses the no. n
ton that he, far more than the PASTOR was cut ,
out for the ministry. a
Ordinarily" says the Hoopeston Chronic''. L
I'VE let the American people find out all about
the weather themselves, but the past several :
days have developed such delightful variety, :
We feel called upon to say something Firstly
then, dammit Secondly, ditto Thirdly-butl q
Why proceed? Nothing will be gained, and we =
run the risk Of our souls salvation"
Over the muddy crossing. III
Trips maid with eyes OF blue,
Dantily lifting her dress skirt
Above a buttoned shoe.