Connecticut western news., 1880-07-21
THE MAN WHO JOINED.
The Husband who Joined all the Secret Orders that he could get into.

Sno was aDOuG 1OfUy-aV0 years old, we'll dressed, had black hair, rather thin and tinged with gray, and eyes in which gleamed the fires of a determination not easily baked. She walked into Major Huse's office and requested private in- teryiew, and, having obtained it and satisfied herself that the law students were not listening at the key-hole, said, slowly, solemnly and impressively: ''I want divorce"
 "What for I supposed you had one of the best of husbands" said the Ma jor.
 "I s'pose that's what everybody thinks; but if they knew what I've suf- fered in ten years they'd wonder I hadn't scalded him long ago.. I ought to, but for the sake of the young ones I've borne it and said nothing. I've told him, though, what he might depend on, and now the times come; won't stand it, young ones or no young ones I'll have a divorce, and if the nelghbors want to blab themselves hoarse about it they can, for I won't stand it another day."
 "But what's the matter? Don't your husband provide for you? Don't he treat you kindly?" pursued the law yer.
 "We get victuals enough, and I don't know but he's as true and kind as men in general, and he's never knocked one of us down. wish he had, then I'd get him into jail and know where he was nights" retorted the woman.
 "Then what's your complaint against him ?'
 "Well, if you must know, he's one of them plaguey jlners.'
 "A what ?"
 "A jiner-one of them pesky fools that's always jining something. There can't nothing come along that's dark and sly and hidden, but he'd jine it. If any body should get up society to burn his house down, he'd jine it, just as soon as he could get in and if he had to pay for it, he'd go all the suddener. We hadn't been married more'n two months before he jined the Know Nothin's. We lived on farm then, and every Saturday night he'd come tearing in. before SUD- per, grab fistful of nut cakes, and go off gnawin them, and that's the last I'd see of him till morning. And every other nighS he'd roll and tumble in his bed, and holler in his sleep: Put none but Americans on guard George Wash ington; and rainy days he would go out in the corn-barn and jab at picture of the Pope with an old bagnet that was there. ought to put my foot down then, but he fooled me so with his lies about the Pope's coming to make all the Yankee girls marry Irishmen, and to eat up all the babies that warn't born with a cross on their foreheads that I let him go on, and even encouraged him in it.
 ''Then he jined the Masons. Traps you know what them be, but I don't 'cept they think they are the same kind of critters that built Solomon's Temple; and of all the darned nonsense and gab about worshipful masters and square and compasses and sich like that we had in the house for the next six months, you never see beat. And he's never out growed it nuther. What do you think of man, Squire, that'n dress hisself in white apron, bout big enough for a monkeys bib, and go marching up and down, and making motions, and talking the foolish lingo at picture of George Washington in green jacket, and 8 truss on his stomach? Ain't he loony- tick? Well, that's my Sam, and I've stood it as long as I'm agoin' to.
 "The next lunge the old fool made was into the Odd Fellows. I made it warm for him when he came home and told me he'd jined them, but he kinder pacified me by tellin' me they had sort of branch show that took in women and that he'd get me in as soon as he found out how to do it. We'll, one night he come home and said I'd been pro- posed, and somebody had blackballed me. Did it himself, of course. Didn't want me around knowing to his goings on. Of course he didn't, and I told him so.
 "Then he jined the Sons of Matter. Didn't say nothing to me about it, but sneaked off one night, pretendin' he'd got to set up with sick Odd-feller. and I'd never found it out, only he came back lookin' like man that had been through 8 thrashing machine, and I wouldn't do thing for him till he owned up. And so it's gone from bad to wus, and from wus to wusser, jining this and that and t'other, till he's Worship Min ister of the Masons, and Goddess of Hope of the Odd-fellows, and Sword swallower of the Finnegans, and Virgin Cerus of the Grange, and Grand Mogul of the Sons of Indolence, and Two-edged Tomahawk of the United Order of Black Men, and Tale-bearer of the Merciful Manikins, and Skipper of the Guild Cara urine Columbus, and Big Wizard of the Arabian Knights, and Pledge-passer of the Reform Club, and Chief Bulger of the Irish Mechanics, and Purse-keeper of the Order of the Canadian Conscience. and Double-Barreled Dictator of the Knights of the Brass Circles, and Stan- dard-Bearer of the Royal Archangels, and Sublime Porte of the Onion League and Chambermaid of the Celestial Cher ubs, and Puissant Potentate of the Pet rifed Pig -Stickers, and the Lord only knows what else. I've borne it and borne it, hopin' he'd get 'em all iined after while, but 'tain't no use, and when he'd got into a new one, and been made Grand Guide of the Nights of Horror, I told him I'd quit, and I will.
 Hnra the rnainr infa,r11,atod