The Ouachita telegraph. [volume] (Monroe, La.) 1865-1889, 1880-12-24
A LIVELY DEMOCRATIC FUNERAL
GRAFTON.

GRAFTON.
The Republicans of Clarinda, Page
County, Iowa, had jollification meet
ing on Friday night, the 5th ult. Ac-
cording to the Council Bluffs Nonpa-
riel, they had the biggest kind of a
time, with Examinations, fire works,
music and spechifying. After several
Republican orators, among them Con-
gressman-elect Hepburn, had given
vent to their feelings with spread.eagle
speeches, the crowd called loudly for
Lou b. Cake. Cake is Democrat, and
the Nonpariel says he looked too
depressed to speak, but the crowd
wouldn't be put off, SO he mounted the
box and made the following unique
speech:
g FELLOW CITIZENS "A man usual
ly attends his own funeral, but it is not
expected that he should talk great
deal. Laughter / know the funeral
ceremonies would go on without me,
so concluded that had better bring
in the body. [Laughter.l But it takes
a great deal Of grace to sustain man
who helps to furnish the corpse for an
occasion like this. GLaughter.1 No
body but a Democrat could do it.
CApplause.] 1t is certain that no one
save the Democrats have had a chance
to try it for the last twenty years.
IShouts of applause.1 Disappointment
is the modern Democrats birth right,
and mourning his normal condition.
They took out patent on disaster
twenty years ago, and it has never
been infringed. The patent run out in
1876, and they have just got it renewed.
Looking over the Landscape of the last
twenty years, I behold acres and acres
of busted hopes, cords and cords of dis
gruntled ambitions, barrels and barrels
OF unavailiDg tears, oceans and oceans
strewn with the wrecks of phantom
ships once burdened with Democratic
decisions. [Great applause.l Disap-
pointment is an anchor to the Demo-
cratic soul both sure and steadfast.
Leaves have their time to fall
And flowers 10 wither at the north Winds
And stars to set, but all, Q, Democrat,
Thou hast at all times for thine own
death.
ferance, yea, sufferance is the badge of
our tribe could give you 800 reasons
for this. Laughter A lawyer offered
a judge sixteen reasons. why his client
was not present in court. First he was
dead. The judge told him that he
might omit the other fifteen. The
first reason of my 500 is, we lacked the
votes. You will allow me to omit the
other 329. [Applausive CONSENT But
l could give you more than 329 reasons.
Yea, More-y letter. John Kelly did it
with his little racket. [Great applause. I
Wade Hampton's mule broke-his leg
instead of his neck and Ben Hill wasn't
born mule. English had foreclosed
his mortgages and we couldn't redeem.
Then,
IT'S the South that can supply
Solid comforts till we die.
DIN some states the greenback party
fell through a crack in their platform
and crippled $us. CLaughter.l But
Democracy still lives. [Great APP
plause. It's like the mule-it never
dies. But unfortunately, like the
mule, while it lives it is forever throw
ing its rider.
cit bucked Greeley off and killed
him in 1872. Tilden stuck OH till he
passed under the wire. Applause. I
But there was so much daylight be-
tween him and this democratic quad
ruped, the judges counted him off, al
though he had his feet in the stirrups.
This year we got splendid send off
and might have won, but the donkey
was stricken down in Indiana with
(g) Landers. IApplause.l We close this
chapter of history with the hope the
story will not be continued in our next.
CCheers.] We accept defeat the more
cheerfully because of the magnanimous
manner with which you take the VIC
tory. We take it every four years. 1t
is "a standing prescription. 1t might
well be called the quadrenuial ipecac.
| [Groans.l 1t works up before cleo
| ton, and works down as the returns
come in. We thank you for the mag
unanimous way in which you have
turned out to our funeral. lap
plause.1 We congratulate you on the
magnificent and imposing character OF
the obsequies." Here the speakers
feelings overcame him, and he retired
amid encoring earthquakes and APP
| plausive avalanches.
| THE PIEDMONT AND SRIINGTON