Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1880-02-27
f U N

Ion, pullIng a Toll OF paper from his jacket,
'sthis call was entirely unexpected. am
not prepared to speak, and didn't know
five minutes before was called on that I
was expected to say anything here, so
merely jotted down few remarks yester-
day which intended to make. You must
excuse all blunders, as my speech is en-
tirely impromptu and the manuscript so
poorly written [ can hardly read it.
Drunkenness is a terrible virtue. 1 have
known men, after short career of dissi-
patton, fill drunkard's grave before they
were three years old. [ have seen rich
men pass the wine-cUp around their we'll
filed tables and their poor children crying
for a crust Of bread. You see men on
every corner who have filled drunkards'
graves. You see men Keeling about the
streets, who, if they had died of cholera
infantum, would have starved the saloon
keepers to death.-AS Shakespeare says:
'Oh, that man should put an enemy in his
mouth to commit petit larceny on his
brains.7 My hearers, erlury bus-eplury
bus-my hearers, the Squire has rung in
some Greek on me, and as I don't under
stand Latin I'm obliged to quit
Mother, to her daughter, just seven
years old-"What makes you look so sad.
Carrier" Carrie, looking at her baby
brother, three weeks old-ssI was Just
thinking that in about ten years from
now, when shall be entering company,
and having beau, that brother Of mine
will be just old enough to bother the life
out of me-"
''That was a pretty narrow escape"
laughed the landlady. as old Rutherford s
butter, just missed falling in his cup of
coffee. Eyes," growled old Rutherford
shy hairs BREADTH And then the
young man boarder at the foot of the
table thoughtlessly laughed, and the land
lady turned so red in the face that it al
most blistered.
A fair debutante at late ball received
with a large, almost embarrassing, arm
full of bouquets. To her is presented ONT
Of our ''howling swells." F. D.-''Nc
fewer than eight bouquets-just think Of
it! Are they not lovely?" II. S.-"Yaas
Lovely, indeed. And how good of your
papa"
Il wish had your head,' said lady
one day to a gentleman who had solved
for her knotty point. ''And wish l
had your heart was the reply. WELL y
said she, ''since your head and my heart
can agree, I do not see why they should
not go into partnership and they did.
A little girl was asked by her mother
on her return from church, how she liked
the preacher. ''Didn't like him at all, .
was the reply. 'sWhy?" asked her moth
er. "'Cause he preached till he made me
sleepy, and then hollored SO loud he
wouldn't let me 60 to Sleep"
''Brudder Pete'' contributed tempora :
ry support to the sunny side of the house
yesterday and thus soliloquized: s'Dere
am dis singularity atwi&t planed lumber
and alleybi in er trial fo' mur6er-dey
am bofe necessary for de fence.''
The doctors say that sealskin is unheal-
thy. Bless them! Now if they can be in
duced to say the same of -buttoned kids.
point-lace. and few such trifles, coming
generations of married men will rise up
and call them blessed.
''Idleness always envies industry may
be truthful old adage, but we can dis.
tinctly remember the time that we could
sit on the fence and watch our respected
father and brother Ike, hoe corn and not
envy 'em bit.
The smart young '.local" who headed an
account of the wedding of Mr. Long and
Miss Short as 1.-THE Long and Short of IT,
has been actively engaged in lodging an
irate husband these many days.
ssHow is your wife, Mr.. Smith," says
Jones, pom ting to where his wife sat in
the next room at work upon his coat:
ssshe's sew sew.' Mr.. Jones: "Oh, see,
she is mending, sure enough
.sWhat is a woman's will?' shrieks a
social scientist of the bachelor persuasion
Experience in our younger days teaches us
that it is the only will that the heirs dom
want to contest.
No comedian can make as laughable q
face as that made by the small boy when
he brings a jelly jar down from the closet
shelf and discovers it to be full of ten-penny
nails
The difference between riding a horse
and riding a hobby consists in this, that
one can get off horse at any time. but
once on hobby, man can never get off.
Seine Of our exchanges have a 'sdomes-
tie department" This must be hard to
get up, if it is anything like our hired girl
in the morning
[ say to 2 thirds ov the rich people in
this world make the most ov your money.
for it makes the most ov you.-Josh
Billings.
The New York ''News" tells of a man
who was "killed by fall of four feet. -
Did mule Jump on him +?
..Algernon, say the boy shall not be
brought up on the bottle. Look at his
grandpa's nose!"