The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1880-11-27
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

A water spout--A temperance grafton.
Side vbiskers-Mules tails in fly time.
Campaign whisky makes victims see serpents
A Des Moines woman led her truant son t'
school by q rope tied around his neck
Coal ia so black that 1t Is wonderful now
dealer can make ton so light
A facetious burglar, who had broken INTO ri
editors house, said the only thing he struck wa'
match
"He sleeps where he fell" says late ballad
which suggests that he must have been drunk
II person were half as good as he expects hi'
neighbor to be, what heaven this world woulo
be!
"There is no place like home" repeated Mr..
Henpeck, looking at motto, and he heartily
added: "'m glad there isn't"
A little girl who was much petted, SAID, u
like sitting on gentlemen's knees better than Ia
dies, don't you, ma"
"a Blighted Life" is the title OF the latest Eng
lish society novel, but the name OF the lady who
failed to get the sealskin sacque is not given
The New York Star speaks Of man as "a
born alderman" This beats the Cincinnati mon
strosity with the head Of donkey.
A New Yorker recently bit a chunk out OF a
St, Louis mans cheek. He is used to chewing
up cannon balls and such.
Now that Bob Ingersoll and the devil have
cleaned out the democratic party, they return to
their old occupation Of fighting the Christian re-
ligon.
A Philadelphia man who detected a piece OF
bark in his sausage visited the butchers shop to
know what had become OF the rest of the dog.
An Englshman has dropped in to tell us that
since the defeat of the Democratic rooster Nation
must be spelt with big "hen. "-Cincnnah Sat
urddy Night
The bellies OF New York are initiating Sara
Bernhard IN everything. Chicago Tribune. Great
Cesar, we hope mott Whatare Beecher, Talmage
and the other great Gotham pulpit lights about?
When spelling is reformed" she'll write:
"Im sailing on the oshun,
The sc is hi, no sale In site,
1t Glz me with emoshun"
But one spell" will not change its name,
For she'll be se-sic just the saim!
The whole ethics OF the Indian question 10
summed up in Colorado in the saying OF one OF
its leading papers: "There is no good Indian
but dead Indian"
The ballad singer signs because there are no
birds in last gears nests" 1t is pity. The po
ct will next cry because there are no clans in
last years shells, no woodchucks in the oldtimo
holes.
PUT 'EM AWAY.
Now at last the fight is ended
Let the land with peace be blcst,
Let transparencies be rented;
Give the bands a needed rest
Take the names from 1ags now waving
They have had their little day
Are your uniforms worth saving
Then let them be packed away.
Put the drums where none will take EN-
Hide the torch behind the door,
See that none can find and break 'em;
Trot 'em out in 'S4.
DR.. }. G.. Corbus, OF Mendoza felt compliment
ed in high degree on receiving special invita-
ton last week to read a paper before the Social
Science Association In session in Chicago, on the
estate Charitable Institutions OF Illinois," The
Doctor read the paper on Thursday evening, and
next morning fattering notices appeared in all
the big dailies Of the cable paper read by Dr.
Curtis" Sch Is fame!
An E1. puts it in this way: A New York paper
says, Miss Bernhard retired to her couch at s
p. NJ. yesterday, worn out with excitement
Well Mrs. Bridget OFlanagan retired to her
couch at 8 p. NJ yesterday worn out with scrub
bling four rooms and doing a big family wash.
But here the resemblance ends. Mrs. O'Flana-
gan has had four husbands and no children, and
Miss Bernhard has had four children and no
husband.
SHORT POEM.
Canto One. Canto Two
Boy Gun
Gun. Bust;
Joy, Boy,
Fun, Dust.
-Rockldnd Courier.
An Ohio court has decided that married women
do not own the clothes they wear. This must be
n gratifying decision to women who not only
earn their own clothes but also those worn by
their husbands.
Don't waste time clipping OFF the branches"
said the woodman to his son, "but lay your Ak at
the root of the tree" And the young man went
out and laid his AK at the root of the tree like
good and dutiful boy-and then went fishing
Truly, there is nothing 50 beautiful as flial
obedience.
preacher in Syracuse recently told his CON
gregation that il the women would all dance by
themselves In ten-acre lot surrounded by a high
board fence, and the men in another closure OF
the same kind, there would then be no harm in
dancing And no fun either, you old goose.
Apropos to the discussion OF sense perception:
The pharnyx now goes up;
The larnyx with q slam
Elects note
From out the throat
Pushed by the diaphragm.
-Ydle Record.
At the recent annual dinner of the Latin School,
Boston, Mayor Oliver OF Salem, President Of the
evening, said that the records OF Boston showed
that the Town Council voted In 1915 that there
after there should be no more horses pasturcd
among the cows on Boston Common except the