The Benton weekly record., 1880-01-02
g ',3.i3.-.i'5-s17 75tE5-g
sIF'T1NGS.
& must be eminentls right and good tt

I It must be eminentlF right and good
i rise early, because it is so inhumananl
! hard to do it,
Q Its more than | expected TO get, II
T marked a poor fellow, who was drenche
J. with a pail of suds from a laundry window
Some cannibals prefer human fat to any
Il thing else for cooking. They would lik
!. to live on the Isle of man.
q A German farmer disputed his tax bill
! he said, II pays the State tax, the count,
: tax and the school tax; but by tamil pay
no total and never had any.
Rochester admitted twenty-five law stu
dents to the bar in one day.
3 A pretty girl down East is s'lnind-read
er.' She said to a. bashful beau the othe
i night; LA! I believe you are going to
kiss metz She was right.
Thesmasll who goes to church simply be
cause he has nothing else to do may not bs
teathen, but he is certainly All idle wor
{ shipper.
S1# John writes TO inquire how tic Ark wa
4 propelled. We would say to John that the
Ark was row-hoat and was propelled BY
an Noah.
i When your little boy exhibits Symphonic
/ of having an ear for the harmonies of sweet
sounds, then is your time to sing, 'sThere's
music in the heir.
First preparatory student (angril5 )-ssIi
you attempt to pull my ears you'll have
your hands FULL Second Prep. docking
at the earsl-Well, yes; rather think |
shall,
Il Nashville belle has feet that do not
match. Both are perfect in shape. but one
is a number one and the other a number
seven. She always puts her best foot for
ward.
1t is better to hug a de1usion than to let a
bear hug you. But q pretty girl, with cher
ry lips and red rosy cheeks, discounts a de-
lusion about 100 per cent.
Madam" said certain one to Mrs
Brown, the other day, ssyou are talking
simply rubbish. y eyes, sir, replied the
ever-crushing lady, ''because l wish you
| to comprehend me.
A Yankee humorist was giving an &C
count of his experience as an hotel-keeper.
did you clear anything by it?' asked a
listener. II cleared six-rail fence getting
away from the sheriff. was the ready an
swer.
a painters apprentice fell off scaffold
with pot of paint in each hand. He was
taken up insensible, but as soon as he was
restored to consciousness he murnurel II
went down with flying colors any how"
Grandfather-"Y Y OIL are stupid, Charlie;
the dullest boy | ever saw Charlie
''You mustn't expect me TO understand
things az quick as you do, grandfather:
because you don't have the trouble to get
,em through your hair.
"What would you do if girl kissed
you?" said one ten-year-old ,lrcllin to an
other, as they discussed the latest society
news. HWhat would | do? I'll kiss her
back. What would you do.' Kiss her
mouth, was the portentous reply.
A good lady who, OH the death of her
first husband, married his brotherr has a
portrait of the former. hanging in her din
ing-room. One day visitor, remarking
the painting, asked: SIS that member
of your famiIy?'' 90, that's my poor
brother-in-law,o was the ingenious reply.
"A man on Arbor Hill aimed a gun at his
little son "a beautiful creature with golden
hair to his Waist), and playfully threatened
to shoot him. The gun turned out to be
unloaded 1t will be placed in the State
Library as the only weapon of the kind
known to American gunnery.
Onion parties are the latest Six Young
ladies take an onion with them into room
and one OF them takes a bite of it. Then
young gentleman is admitted, and after
kissing all Of them, if he fails to tell which
one of them bit the 'sinyun," then the girls
are compelled to kiss him.
s'Is there a letter here in scented en-
velope for my wife," he asked the post
master, While the green fire from his eyes
made the office look like a leafy forest.
es, sir, answered the p. m, as he handed |
It out. The Jealous man tore it open at
once, when, 10 and behold! it was the nil
liners bill fol- $40. Ne succeeding chap
tiers.
It is related of a certain Il lergell1sll wilo
was noted for kis long sermons. with many;
divisions, that one day Wlaen he was I'd.
yaneing apaong the teens, he reached af
length kind Of resting place III bis dis dis
course, when paIlsing to take breath and
asking the question, 'sand what shall / say
more?' voice from the congregation
earnestly responded, "Say amen!''
In an English court, in the course of an
a barrister remarked: ssWhat |
does Kitty say - who's Kitty" says
the magistrate, your wife % "sir, L
mean Kitty, the celebrated lawyer s'Oh, /"
said the magistrate, Il auppect you mean
Mr.,Chittyy. III. the author Of the great work
on pleading 81 do, cir; but chitty is an
Italian name, and out to be pronounced
Kitty
Teacher-sNow, boys, quadruped and
biped, are two kinds of animals Quadru-
ped, animal with four legs, such as COW,
horse, etc. Biped, animal with
two legs, such as well, ah, Yes,
there is biped, . pointing to a picture of
a goose on the wall, ssand am a biped,
and yor are all bipeds. Now what am -
Pause. One of the hipeds--A goose, sir. Z