St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1880-07-23
SQuibs.

Lettuce should not be dressed too
warmly in the summer.
'There, that explains where my
clothes-line went to !" exclaimed an
Iowa woman, as she found her husband
hanging in the stable.
Sunday-school scholar to teacher
Ibid you say the hairs of my head
were all numbered 2" Teacher-"Yes.
my dear" Sunday-schoel scholar
"Well, then (pulling out a hair and
presenting it,J what's the number of
that one 2"
ga fashionable diner-out will average
three dinners a week." says the Brook
lyn Eagle. Poor devil! Even a coun-
try editor averages better than that
Boston Post.
Water expands 1,700 times in becom-
ing steam. Remember this and keep
on the bow of the boat when you go on
an excursion.
New York Chinaman was asked
his age for the census. He thought it
was the draft, and wishing exemption,
he replied, "Ninety years oldee, ale
temee."
"Where do all the old palmleaf fans
go ?" inquiries an exchange. They don't
go anywhere. They stay in the other
pews.-[ Danbury News.
The law against carrying concealed
weapons does not apply to bicycles.
They are revolvers, but they avoid cart
ridges, and never go off to themselves.
"Och," said love sick Hibernian,
"what recreation it is to be dying of
love 1t sets the heart aching so deli
cately there's no taking wink of slape
for the pleasure of the pain"
1t is a truly instructive sight to see a
packed audience at school exhibition
listening attentively to Greek and Lat
in orations, having not the slightest
suspicion of what they are all about
Boston Transcript.
1t was an Irishman who remarked of
a miser, who had died, and was treated
to rather pretentious burial. "Faith
and if he'd lived to see how moighty
an axpinsive thing it was to dole him
self, he'd niver been born"
Women with banged hair are deceit
ful. They cover up their show of in
tellect, and man will marry one of
them, expecting to have good natured
fool for a wife; but she'll turn out
~
him dance all the household hornpipes.
New Haven Register.
A marketman was mercilessly swim
died in the town of B. His misfor-
tunes gave him very unfavorable
opinion of the residents, and he express
ed his opinion of them by saying that
if the angel Gabriel stopped at B.
there would be no resurrection. "Why?n
asked listener. because the inhabi-
tants would swindle him out of his horn
before he had time to blow a single
tOOt."
A rather bashful young man, upon
his first appearance into society, was so
unlucky as to make several very unfor-
tunate mistakes. Becoming more and
more confused, he sank deeper into the
mire, until at last he left the room in
despair with this apology: "Ladies,
If L have said anything which appears
to mean anything, beg leave to apol-
ogize."
Before the days of chIoroform there
was a quack who advertised tooth
drawing without pain. The patient
was placed IN chair, and the instru-
ment applied to his tooth with wrench
followed by roar from the unpleasant
ly surprised sufferer. "Stop," cried the
dentist. Compose yourself. l told
you l would give you no pain, but |
only. just gave you the twinge as n
specimen to show you Cartwright's
method of operating" Again the in
strument was applied-another tug,
another roar. "Now, don't be impa-
tlent that is Dumerge's way be seat
ed and calm-you will now be sensible
OF the superiority of my method.n An
other application-another tug, anoth-
er roar. "Pray be quiet; this is Park
lnson's mode, aud you don't like it, and
no wonder" By this time the tooth
hung by thread, and whipping it out,
tne @ operator exultingly exclaimed /:
''That is my mode Of tooth -drawinc
without pain and you are now enabled
to compare it with the operations of
Cartwright, Dumerge and Parkinson u
/ San Francisco News Letter.