The Portland daily press., 1880-04-23
A Boon to Married Men.
An Ingenious Invention Which saves
Many Curtain Lectures.
Cincinnati Ennnirer

Cincinnati Enquirer.
Miraculous Inventions are the order of the
day. Even Edison has been surpassed by
genius who has invented what is called "Mar-
ried Mans Indicator" 1t is a wonderfully
sensitive arrangement of the ordinary ther-
mometer in convenient pocket size, and is
graded to scale of cabalistic remarks, which
shows the exact state of the atmosphere at any
hour of the night. The hard worked and be-
lated husband arrives home, say, at midnight
He takes out his indicator" thrusts it in the
keyhole, and leaves it there few seconds.
Pulling it out quickly he scans the dial by the
moonlight's fitful cleaning. 1t marks "S. A.''
(sound asleep. The poor husband pulls off his
boots noiselessly, uses his night key with bated
breath, gives the door quick shove to keep it
from creaking, steals tremblingly to bed, and
when his dear little wifey wakes up about two
seconds afterward and wants to know how
long he has been home, he is so sound asleep
that Gabriel's trumpet couldn't wake him.
If the indicator scores ga. A. G. B. d. X.
W. T." awake, awful cross, but don't know
what time it is) the husband puts a few more
grains of coffee in his mouth; opens the Goor
boldly; walks in with slam-bang air; hits his
foot Intentionally against chair: wants to
know why the devil the chairs amt kept out
of the way; gets desperately mad on general
principles; scares his wife clear out of her
crossness and intended curtain.lecture; refuses
to let her get up and strike q match-never did
like light at night nohow; remarks grutfiy in
response to timid query that ''its about twen-
ty-five minutes after ten, " and then turns into
bed in such an apparently awful state of mind
that the wife of his bosom is afraid to speak to
him-at which he is very sad, Of course.
There are numerous other marks on the in
dicator showing just where it will do to play
"the lodge dodge" or the "sick friend;" or
"been standing on the corner talking with so
and-so for more than an hour" or general or
was in town, and had to go away on the two
o'clock train, and he insisted so strongly that
the whole party stayed up to see him off, al
though it was great bore; we only did it
through courtesy"
But the most awful of all the cabalistic signs
on the dial is the one on the top about two
marks above boiling point. When the weary
husband comes home about a. M, from the
direction Of the butcher shop. with a roll Of
meat held high in the air so that everybody he
passes cannot fail to see it, and sticks the ''in-
dicator'' in the keyhole, he is almost too weak
to draw it out. With hair on end he reads it
by the faint light streaming in upon him from
the eastern hills; and sweat breaks out on his
noble brow IN drops as large as WalnutS, as he
sees the bulb of the indicator jammed smack
up against "R. HI. S. FL. w. F. Y. j. 1. T. d.,
(red hot and still a heating and waiting for you
just inside the door. The inventor of the in
strument says that when this terrible misfor-
tune overtakes man he feels that there is
nothing left in this life worth living for, and
appreciates the full force of those beautiful
lines:
.'This world is all aeeting show,
For mans delusion given"
He slings the meat out into the yard, and
braces himself for the coming fray, but says
nothing, for nothing can be said. Be he ever
so gifted liar, his accomplishment is more
than valueless. No lodge, no sick friend, no
talking on the corner, no sitting up to see the
general off, no swearing that he will never do
it agaiE--in fact, nothing will avail. 1t is an
absolutely lndefensible case. He is caught in
fagrante delicto. Even the CHASTITY gaiety with
which, two hours previous, he had said to the
boys that he guessed he'd see it out now
might as well be killed for a sheep as lamb
had all vanished. The indicator having told
him the exact situation of things he knows
just what to do, and that is nothing, but to get
into bed at once and wrap the drapery of his
couch about him, put the pillow over his ears
and wait for his wife's breath to give out. It's
awful while it lasts, but it has its use in reliev-
ing the unfortunate husbands mind of part of
its load.
The indicator is great invention, and no
family should be without one. For sale at all
stores where they are kept.