Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1880-06-10

capital, but it has the further and ex.
trsmely important one that it de-
mands no preliminary training. Any
body can go into it, wholly irrespeo.
tive OF age, sex, or previous condi-
ton. As it will contain everybody,
it is very naturally open to every
body but, for reasons which will be |
given, it may be said here that man
is likely to succeed rather better than |
a woman, the more so if he be |
natural brute, and have some very
repellant qualities. As said, to enter
this profession requires no prelimin.
airy training; and hence offers unusu.
al facilities for all those who may de.
sire to engage in it. But, while there
is no limit to those who may wish to
become drunkards, it is only just to
state that when the profession is once
entered on, some will stand a much
better show of succeeding than will
others. This class who will reach
the higher attitudes of the profession
are mainly men of mature age, who
who have been or are married; and
who are prepared to show that, DUR
ing the practice of this, their voca.
ton, they have never been anything
but the most unmitigated OF scoun-
drels.
Some of the advantages of this
peculiar profession are to be found
in the fact that society will do more
for drunkards than for any other
class. Society builds for them pala-
tial homes ; it supplies for them ev.
cry possible convenience and luxury,
and makes for them a provision
which it does not in the case of any
other person who may happen to be
engaged in any other occupation.
Ladies and gentlemen of the highest
social standing will organize secret
societies to which the most wei.
come accession is some old bloat
picked up off the street, or from out
the gutter, and of whom not one Of
the refined members would touch
with pair of tongs were he not a
whiskey bloat; but being which,
they will paw him all over, call him
brother, sit beside him, and associate
with him on equal and most familiar
terms.
But the real rewards of this pro.
fessien are to be met with in the
country towns. When q member
has gotten blossoms all over his face
and is altogether so disgusting that
a decent hog will give bin the right
of way on the streets, then is the
time for him to commence reaping
the rich rewards of his profession.
All he is to do is to attend some
temperance injecting, "and, at the
proper moment, state his case, and
announce that it is his intention to
"reiorm." At once he will find
scores of people who are ready to
give him start /; they will fit him
out with clothing, the necessary
money, and then will send him out
on starring tour through the rural
districts. He will thenceforth find
that he is in demand, that he is re.
ceived with open arms by the best
families, and that he is feted and
paid according to the length of time
that he has been a drunkard, the
number of times he has kicked his
wife out doors, and generally with
reference to the depth of the filth
in which he was wallowed, and the
amount which he yet retains on his
person.
The Times could name half doz-
en- men, who could not earn over q
dollar o day as laborers, but who
are making from one to two hun.
dred q week by going around the
country and relating what hogs
they have been for so many years OF
their lives who get their feet under
the mahogany of the very best PEG.
pie in the towns which they visit
who are feted and coddled by the
sisters; and who, had they never
been fortunate enough to enter on
the profession of a drunkard, would
probably be cleaning the streats OF
Chicago at the rate of not more than
S1.25 per diem.
1t is surely not necessary to pur-
sue this topic any further, for GER
tainly by this time, everybody must
De convinced that there is no pro-
fession at which so much can be
gained at so small an outlay in time,
money, brains, or effort. IF, after
having Informed themselves of the
advantages to be derived from 60
ing into the business of drunken>
ness, all young men do conclude to
follow it as an occupation which
will pay them better than any other,
then it is clearly certain that they
do not understand what ia for their
own good.