The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1880-02-21
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.


The lawyer favorlte puuuihS
Leap year motto-Pirates of Penzance-r.o' r
It is good to keep lent-but not when it's an
umbrella.
A deer park-One that costs more than It's
worth.
High hcals-The charges of fashionable physi'
clans.
II il the amateur fisherman who sometimes
hires haul.
The mule always puts his best foot hindmost.
The women who do fancy work generally don't
fancy work.
To preserve woolens from noths-give them to
the poor.
Oldtime champagne-A piece OF creased paper
pasted over the window.
Politicians of no fixed belief are like cats-they
are usually on the fence
1t is said Edison is pcrfecting an electric
shirt.bosom pin for the cheap hotel clerk
"Give the Indians a Show" cries father Bee
son. How would an amateur "Pinafore" do?
An Ohio paper speaks of man being bruised
by emphatic gestures of mule"
You can't go sleighing without snow, nor Il
buggy riding without reins.
Feed the hungry tramp who comes TO your
door You may be entertaining an Ohio man
unawares.
"Bctter late than hardly ever" is the new and
rather neat proyerb by the Rochester EIpnss
"Never have anything to do with hogsw says
an old resident of Cincinnati. "They will squeal
on you every time"
Without saying which one does the hugging,
Miss Muoch says bear and forbear are the two
great bears Of matrmony.
st. Louis paper says that Tlton never smiles
except with his eyes. This will be good news to
the lue.rbbon societies.
The Springfield, Mass, Republican takes no
stock in Mr.. Garfield as presidential candidate.
He Is too much from Ohio.
1t is never safe in Chicago to speak of its girls
feet by name. The way is to mention them re
specially as Chicago's great terminal facilities.
Old King Cole Is outdOnc. Pennsylvania,
more than a hundred years old, uttered "Becrr'
as his last dying word This is not temperance
item.
A Hamilton girl, eager to entrap young man
into matrimony, said she was one Of the Springer
heirs, but he told her she couldn't Spinger heirs
on him
It is surprising that some of our enterprisng
dramatists have not constructed a scene in which
O safe Is hostcd into fourth story window 1t
always draws big audience on Broadway
World.
The late Mr.. Boric OF Philadelphia, leaves n
legacy Of $4,000 to Gen. Grant The joke of it
is that his heirs think he won't accept it.
The statement is made that Miss Flood who is
soon to marry Ulysses Grant, jr., has been pre-
scented by her father with s2,5OO,OO0 in u. s.
per cent. bonds. Has Miss Flood any slsters9
The census is TO be taken In June, within thir- |
~ days. There will be $50 supervisors ana one
enumeration for every 900 inhabitants. -ThGnir
What an enviable position will be that Of the
enumeration with $50 supervisors at his heels!
An English coachman was asked to tie up n
dog and he resigned on the ground that it was
the buffers duty. The butler declined and re.
signed, and after six servants had left, the Earl
tied up the dog himself.
A tramp found a woman alone in Vermont
farm house and threatened to kill her If she did
not give him five cents "Well, here it is," she |
said showing the coin, but guess I'll shoot it |
to YOU" and she dropped it into the barrel of
shotgun. The fellow did not wait to take it.
Aspunky young lady at Vassar
Was hailed In the street by chasscur;
She flung brick bat
Which upset him and that
Was the last time he wanted to sass her.
World
They are great sticklers for the legitimate dra
ma in San Francisco. Miss Viola Pomeroy was
engaged rs a prina donna for the comic opera:
but while putting on her tights for rehearsal
the manager discovered that she had n wooden
leg, and at once discharged her. There was no
objection to her singing or on account of
any want Of activity on the stage, but the
manager persisted that although his audience
had no objection to sawdust embellishments
they would never stand wooden legs
You can't fool a Quincy girl. When her "fel.
low" rises from his scat in the theatre between
the acts and says: an be back in moment"
she dazzles him with one of her most reliable
smiles and pulling him back with the remark,
" brought some with me-" coyy slips into his
hand pinch of cloves or roasted coffee.
theodore Tllton was TO lecture In Parsons.
Kan, and the committee was at the station 10
receive him. They stepped up and welcomed
with iervor aud enthusiasm long haired gen
teman who alighted. He seemed greatly aston.
lshed at the reception, and at length said, 'Il
don't know, gentlemen, what you mean by all
this; but this will say, that will remove warts
or bunons in thirty minutes without pain, or for.
felt my reputation" 1t was an itinerant corn
doctor whom they had mistaken for Tilton.
The night is pitch dark, and the commitment
IN the car is crowded. An honest peasant would
ike TO take little nap but his huge threecor l.
nered nat is in the way, and he does not see what
70 20 Win IL. Here, put in the cupboard, nv
good man, says commercial traveller. openin;r
the window. The drowsy peasant complies. muir.
lnurlng his thanks and expressing his ignorance
oil The ways Of the rail, and falls into n SUE,