Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1880-09-10
FLOATING FUN.


gentleman of a four-year- one DAY III
Rochester NO" he sobbed IN reply:
b-but my mother rs.
He was sitting in the parlor with her
when the rooster crowed in the yard, and
leaning over he said ''Chanticleer. Il
wish to gracious you would she said !;
I'm as sleepy as / can be- He took
his hat and left, and hasn't been back
since.
DO You see thai young lady standing
there" asked gentleman OF us III the
parlor of the White" well" con-
tinucd he, ''she is a perfect praudigy.
She dGvnces. and dawnces, and dawnces,
and when she is not dawncing she is
pr5nlenavdinc After dawnclng and
prclGenawdinr, she is careering through
the mountains on horseback. She has
more vetawlity than any young lady [
nave ever met She is the most chawm-
ing Young lady here She fawscenates
YOU at once with her cnchawnting man
ners. But here comes her awnt, and |
must awsk YOU to excuse me.
There is nothing like presence Of mind,
after all The other day, during tre-
mendous shower, a gentleman entered
fashionable New York club, bearing a
splendid ivory-handled silk umbrella,
which he placed on the rack Instantly
another gentleman, who was mourning
the untimelv abstraction of Just such an
article, jumped up. Will you allow me
to look at that 2" he said sternly. Ger
tainly. remarked the umbrella carrier.
4 was lust taking ii to the police head
quarters. 1t was left in my house last
night by a burglar, whom We frightened
I - 70 alrl
And though the exasperated owner could
plainly see where his name had been
scratched oil the handle he sat down and
changed the subject.
An English gentleman at the Uffizi
Gallery was almiring the ancient bronZes
epresentiGg some of the finest specl-
mems Of Etruscan art, when he was ac-
costed by an Anglo Saxon What s
this, mister" and as he spoke he rang
statue Of Mercury with his holny knuckles.
That's Mercury The nlrallst gaZed
for a moment with open mouth at the
bronze representation OF the messenger
of the gods, and beckoned to a companion
ut the other end Of the cabinet, to whom
he said : jim, what do You suppose
that ere tigger is?" Il dunno, respond
Ell Jim, in turn giving 1t a resounding
rap, bronze, haint it - mo, said the
other, taiut; It's quicksilver - "Wha-
at the stuff they put i'll thermometers?
Wa-al, | am burned Whatll they do
next?" And after another long look the
couple moved on, deeply impressed with
the wonders Of art.
A nec1o who WIS suspected Of surrep-
tiously meddling with his neighbors
fruit. being caught in garden by moon
hight. nonplnss.l his detectors by raising
Sls eye, -.ilsping his hand. and l,.>".ly
evc-ng Good heavens dis we're
Jerl,av can't go nowhere TO pray any
more without bein' 'sturbed."
1.-The man with cork leg can snap his
sragers at a steamboat accident" Not
unless he can quickly remove his cork
leg and tie it around his neck. When a
man with 4 cork leg is thrown into the
water he floats with that leg up and his
head down, and that is very unhealthy.
The water runs into his ears.-Brookiyn
CaiOn-Argas.
''And he didn't seem to like New
ly married Husband Gocularly) well,
dear, if there is a smash on the line,
you're well provided for. I've made my
will, you know" Nm. Wife (playfully) !:
Yes, love, but don't you think you'd
the largest amount You can Pit would
be so handy to buy the mourning black
always did become me so. '-FtOi
The proprietor Of "A side-show OF which
the leading attraction is five hundred
pounds Of fat woman, to whom he is mar
ried, is observed hy an acquaintance to
he melancholy why, old fellow, what
is the matter with you?" "By heavens,
she is false, and to me. know it-I have
prools'-"Eh bien, qu'allez-vous faire
autour de celia ?" well what are you go
ing to do about it p what can | do?
If / display any jealousy and worry her
about it she'll lose flesh OthcHo wasn't
a circumstance to me"
4 Sicilian brigand meets a rich banker
and relieves him of half of the contents
OF his pocket-book, leaving him the re-
mainder to dcfray his homeward expenses
and promising to guide him by short
cut Presently, after a long walk, they
reach a wav-sidc inn, where they are to
dine. ''Are you armed ?" asks the bIig
ana, as they approach the door Arm
ed Why = because they're hard
citizens here-iust as soon rob you as
not. However, I'm well-heeled Let us
90 in :,
Dan ain Euihin VERY sing lar IN some
Of desc cases of sunstroke, thoughtfully
remarked the president Of the Lime Kiln
Club. Il have seen EN- whar' you
couldnt hardly tell which struck de hard
cst-de sun OF de whiskey. Until de
committee investigates an makes suah if
de disease isn't hall sun and half whiskey,
10 fdrder azshun will be taken. 1t am
now tima 10 a1iHrn, an | would caushm
-... i! dat he stars aIn glttin most too
oil lul anybody to 60 down two steps t.
once. Let De triangle be stricken an u.
meetin' b. snuifel ont '-DchO6 i,te
Pres.
1t is whispered that an elderly Adonis
well-known in New York society, was IN
vited to a little breakfast by Il lady stay
ing al a Saratoga hotel. Breakfast was
served in the ladys apartments, and her
maid was the sole attendant. Everything
went well until some strawberries were
pat upon the table The maid, unaccus-
toned to playing the part of n neat hand
ed Phyllis. presented her mistress's en-
bossed silver powder box instead Of the
bowl of crushed sugar, and the guest
freely besprinkled his fruit with pD"drs
de ri-.-1he HOur
Tie best summer resort for d spitz dog
is the watering places The dog should
be placed about four feet under water
NOrristo,tn Hcrad
Lord Brougham once, when he was in
a facetious mood, being asked to define "A
lawyer, said "A lawyer is Il learned
gentleman who rescues your estate from
your enemies and keeps it himself.
Il think III cut across the fields, said
IN l..
cousin, ''the wether permitting" she
added, rs she observed a demonstratiye
sheep of the masculine persuasion. --
AOTTistD,oa Herdld
In the stiffness of the night when all
the candidates are asleep, Professor Swift
OF Rochester boldly discovers another
comet lie catches 'em every time. A
little salt on the tail does the business
N'e,o Uaccn Register.
Our ancestors, the monkeys, ceuldn t
have been so ignorant after all. They
were all educated in the higher branches.
NV dear doctor, where should you
recommend me to go this summer ?
Where should you like to go?' Il
don't care where, provided my husband
isn't there.
A Philadelphia paper says that Boston
women at Swampscott bathe in white kid
gloves and bonnets. This is singular
most people bathe in water.
why don't go to Long Branch - eX-
claimed sweet young thing of seventeen
the other day. ''Because | don't care foI
the seashore For my part ] think the
ocean is vastly overrated anyway!