The Dallas daily herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1873-1887, 1880-03-27
FACTS AND vAscIEs.
Under the gasllght-Tho burner.


Arc the scissors with which you cut your
coupons cashiersy
Crew ditties-Boat SONGS Boston Com
mercial Bulletin,
Tho World presents the opitaph for the
Adams monument "a No. IT,
When Chinese foreign minister is
beaten 10 diplomacy, they call him home
and chop his head of.
Mr.. Davis, of Illinois, has been talking
about "unszed paper" How would David
ike TO be ''unsi2ed" himselfy
always room for ono moro inside" Is
what the fox said 10 the chicken. IL WIS u
harmonious fox,--[ New York Express,
Cincinnati criticism on "Tho Pirates Of
Penzance;" "Thc thin pirate with tor
rife mustache has his right calf on wrong
side out. = Yonkers Gazette,
IL may interest American dancers to learn
that the Liverpool lurch" and the "Boston
din" are no longer the fashion, having been
replaced by tho Boston grip" and the
'South-sea huddle"
A young lady up town repels the domestic
Islander that she is "fuctuatlng.' "For I'm
always at par to buy me something" -[Syr'
scuse Sunday Times.
Some folks pretend to say that Theodore
Thomas will try TO lend the music OF the an
gels or raise u row when he gets to Heaven.
A strike on the Cumberland railroad yes.
torday causes over 5000 miners and lab0rers
to be idle, and puts stop to the coal trade
in that region.
They tell US this is world Of progress,
and yet it Is just us hard for George Francis
Train TO put his big toe in his mouth MS II
was for Mark Antony.
In the gallery of the Louvre, before the
statue of Venus of Milo: Little Boy
"What did they cut her arms off fory
Mother" Because she put her fingers in the
sugar BOWL Andrews American Queen.
Sugar relners inquire how Fernando
Wood do for President? The ways and
means of electing himare not numerous.
Whisky at Sl.05 is above par, but the
fellow who takes it in generally gets be-
low. Moral-Never try to "corner whisky"
by drinking it if the whisky don't go
down. 800 to one you will Chicago Inter
Ocean.
A New Haven cat was locked up in the
cellar and began to CLAW the wire leading TO
the door. bell, The timid paterhmilias would
not 90 into the cellar to investigate the mat
ter till he had tho assistance Of an armed po-
lceman.
Ii costs each sovereign about $500 time
to congratulate the car on his escape from
death, and the belief is becoming prevalent
in that section that the old man stands in
with the telegraph companies. What Rus
sia needs is a Booth ron City Derrick.
Country magistrates get mixed up some
times. One down near Rome, GA, married
couple the other day, and concluded his
form as though he was sentencing them to
be hung: "And now pronounce you man
and wife, and may God have mercy upon
your souls.
"Why didn't Miss Grocow marry Mr..
Tompkins?" said one lady to another. son,
he didn't suitor," was the reply, and so easy
were the words spoken that the fifteen puz'
zle-box wasn't in the least disturbed | New
York Express.
A Kansas man bet $40 that with his rife
he could boot an apple off his sons head Ia
William Tell. He tried it with the brave
boys consent, but aimed badly, and instead
of merely piercing the apple on the lads
head. the bullet took the life of mule in
llle next Htlu- Doetuh 'oo"
"How," asks Mrs Worritt, of Nashua New
Hampshire, "do you clean paint spIashes off
window panes q" Well, about the easiest
way is to kick out the glass We don't know
of any other way that does not demand an
extensive and useless expenditure ofelbow
grease. You might prevent their getting on
the glass, if you could kill the painter in
time Burlington Hawkeye.
Before Fanny Fern married James Par
ton, she wrote in a description of Broadway:
Here comes James Parton, who doesn't be-
leve in the devil" George d. Prentice, Of
the Louisville journal, copied it and added,
"Ah Fanny, that was before he was mar
ried are YOU sure he don't believe in the
devil now?
There are some pretty honest people left
in the world yet. A lady up in New Hamp-
shire, having bought some dry goods very
cheaply by representing that she could get
them at that price at another store, and
having subsequently learned that the latter
store had marked up its goods sent the def
cheney to the dealer she had patronized, with
an explanation of the facts.
A handsome London lady was accosted on
the street by middle-aged, well-dressed
man, who after the customary Zine day,e
Though the days aren't very linein London)
invited her to dine with him in restaurant.
She consented and lie called a carriage. She
asked him to get into the cab first, making
some triaing excuse, and when he did SO, in,
stead of getting in also she shut the door and
told the driver to drive him to the nearest
police station. He will be careful about In
sulting ladies' in the future.
A Maryland chap hitched up his team to
20 and visit his girl, and while he was at the
house for the whip the old horse started off
and trotted alone to the girls house, and
when she saw the team coming up the road
she skipped up stairs and prinked and then
came down and waited just seyenty-slx min
utes for the fellow to get out of the buggy
which had stopped at the door, and then she
went out and skrmished for him, and the
family Joined in the hunt, and they were all !
as mad as hornets, because they thought he
was hiding to bother them; and when he
came along on foot her big brother stayed |
with him, rough aud tumble, for ten minutes,
and now the match is off
A wicked Illinois newspaper the Litch,,I
field Democrat, has tumbled to a prema-
turely adjourned love affair in Carlinyille, in
The same State. It's mean enough to pub
fish the following love letter, by a young |
lady. OF course it isn't mean for us to pub