Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1880-11-24
Rum University.
BY REV. J. MILTON AKER,

BY REV. J. MILTON AKER.
The the heated term" is fairly upon
Us, and the time for college and unI-
versity commandments is about over.
They have all graduated their classes.
degreed the graduates, doctored those
who needed it, and have been duly no.
ticed and enlogized by the papers. THIS
is all proper, and as it ought to be.
But no one has noticed the Institution
whose name stands as our caption. SO
we will try 10 supply this lack Of ser.
vice. Our universities actually have
bat four faculties, viz: theology, medi-
cine, law, and the sciences and arts.
The Rum university has seven: |. Vu,
garity, obscenity. profanity. 2. Licen-
iiousness, prostitution, pimps. 3.
Strikes. riots, mobs, fights and general
outlawry. 4. Brutality and cruelty to
animals. S. Idleness, prohigacy, ilssi-
patton. 6. Fraud, deceit. robbery, mur.
der. 7. Physical and eternal death.
The license law is the charter of the
Rum university. The trustees are our
moral (9,) refined (?) aud astule (?) law
makers.
The president of the board of trus
lees, the principal Of the university, the
dean OF all the colleges and the general
agent, is the Devil. The university
buildings are our $4,000 dram shops.
The professors;A teachers and lecturers
are our 100000 licensed liquor sele
and an army of trucking office-ss MS.
The freshmen and undergraduates are
our 100000 moderate drinkers. The
senior class is composed OF our 10000
besotted drunkards. The annual grad.
yates number between 60 and 100000
The commencement exercises are stab
bing. shooting and killing afrays inter-
spersed with cases of delrium tremens.
Graduation is death, and the degree
conferred i, G.. B. (Gehenna Baccalau-
reus, or Bachelor of Perdtiou.) The
alumni Of this institution Is the great
multitude Of dead druukards in all our
past history.
The students Of this university have
organized and patrOnize such societies
as balls; club, social and paror danccs;
billiards, saloon or parlor; theaters;
card, whist and euchrc parties; and
many others. Besides graduating SO
large class every year it gives US 500
nurderers, 500 suicides, 100, 900 crimi-
nails, 500, 600 desolate homes, and 100,
600, 900 children worse than orphaned.
From carefully compiled statistics We
learn that this immense institution,
hoary With age and responsible for the
blood and damnauOn Of millions, is mu.
nifcently endowed with an annual in
come of s1s56, G42, 203. This immense
SUN would lay string of silver dollar;
touching each other one aud three
iourtns times around the globe. Ii
would cover square acre Of ground
over 665.9 times, with the dollars laid
as closely as possible, and make a pile
six feet and eleven ipches in depth
Piled up IN a column yard square il
would reach the amazing height OF a..
56S ieet, or 6.39 miles higher than the
highest mountain on the globe. Two
men each counting twenty dollars pei
minute, and working twelve hours in a
day, would count it in l76 years. 90
days, 8 hours aud Sc minutes.
Is it any wonder that the times ar,
bard, while this devouring monster.
like an Internal maelstrom, is drawing
into Its seethiDg and fatal vortex the ma
tion's wealth and honor and prosperity
There are enough professedly temper
ance people IN the United States tc
abale this atroclous and diabolical nui-
sance at once, but they do not; and the
liquid waves Of damnation roll Withou
let or hindrance over ali our fair land.
How long, 0, Lord, how long" WHO
will arise to the help of the Lord against
the mighty?-N. ". Christian AdrOcate