Connecticut western news., 1880-05-26

the young fool who marries him.
 AN EDITOR who thinks that he knows all about farming, says in speaking about strawberries that the best way to raise them is with spoon.
 CARE YOU Home Ruler?" was asked of one of the candidates at the late cleo tion. A voice from the back seats answered, "No, but his wife is."
 "I AM very much afraid of lightning" said a pretty young lady. "And well you may be-" replied despairing lover, "as your heart is made of steel"
 TELL it. but in soft numbers,
 Edison's light no longer beams;
 Menlo Park in darkness slumbers,
 While the seer has troubled dreams.
 ONE of the saddest and most vexatious trials that comes to a girl when she mar ries is that she has to discharge her mother and depend on a servant girl.
 AN ARFcnE in an exchange is headed "Wind-A New Thing in Politics" The idea of wind being new thing in poli- tics is funny. It is as old as politics themselves.
 WHEN Voltaire was told that a-g-u-e was pronounced a-gue, and plague plague, he said he wished the ague would take one-half the English language and the plague the other half.
 "WHAT is Needed in the Nurseryp" is the title of a long article at hand but which we have not room to print. The gist of it is that what is needed in the nursery is more mother and less nurse. A CONTEMPORARY prints poem called "Gather ripe fruits, o Death" And that would be best It is so now that ] the small boy gathers the fruits before they are ripe, and O Daath- -gathers tha srnu1f boy.-
 A FRENCH critic thinks that marriage, to be respectable, should be the union | of two fortunes of equal magnitude, or the union of fortune with the capacity to double it, or to give distinction to the parvenu bride.
 A LAWYER once rushed up to Jerrold in the street and said, with flushed face, "Mr. Jerrold, I've just met 8 scoundrelly barrister." Jerrold looked at him with bland smile, and simply answered, "What coincidence" A COUNTRY newspaper out West thus heads its report of fire: Feast of the Fir Fiend-The Forked- -Tongued De- | mond Licks with it's Lurid Breath g Lumber Pile Are the Scenes of Boston to be repeated ?-Loss 150 dolls" "HERE, John, don't eat those crackers up," She said with hateful snap; "They're some I saved on purpose To put in the baby's pap" "Well," said John, edging for the door, And reaching for his hat, "What makes you so cross about it then? Ain't the babys pap?"
 "WHAT are the people doingP" ex- claims an excited contemporary. We'll, some are paying ten cents on the dollar, others are announcing themselves as Presidential candidates, some walking six days for share of the gate money, few are predicting heavy frosts in June, and
 WHEN a man has been in good circum- stances and falls he cannot forget the phrases of his lucky days. An auction eer, who was elected Speaker of Vest ern Legislature, saw that the time of an operose orator was expiring, and as he brought down his hammer he said. "Going, going, gonel"
 THE GERMAN papers tell this story in connection with Baron Rothschild's death A meets B, weeping and sobbing aloud. Says A, "Why do you weep ps Because, says B, as if his herat were breaking, "because he is dead-the powerful, the rich baron." But, re- piled A, "why do you cry so much he was no relation of yours l" "Thats just what I am crying about" howled B, more affected than ever.
 AN OLD gentleman who had provoked the hostility of 8 fashionable lady, whom he had known in boyhood, was asked by his wife what he had done to incur the lady's displeasure. "Nothing at all, ? replied the innocent old man; "on the contrary, was cordial to her, and spoke of the time when I used to draw her to school on go-cart, nearly half century agop His wife threw up her hands and murmured, "How stupid men arep
 IN THE early stages of his ministry the celebrated Dr. Strong, of Hartford, preached some time in neighboring village. One day committee called up- on him to settle with him for his ser- vices, and, after stammering awhile, signifed to him that his further services were not desired "What does this mean, gentlemen| asked the doctor. "Why," replied the spokesman, with some hesitation, "the people have got the impression that you are inclined to universal salvation. "Gentlemen, T answered the doctor, "I never have preached that doctrine; but, if ever should, promise to make the people of this town an exception.