Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1880-12-10
T. Il n

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a mandatory for turning out homeless
Goldfish has been estatabllshed in Boston.
It is an industry that should be encourag-
eli, and itshould also be persuaded to in.
clude shad in its products. If it can cap
ture all the shad in our rivers, remove the
bones, and then replace the fish in the wa.
tiers, it will have accomplished greatei
work in the cause of religion than If it had
built cathedral costing ten million dol
lars. A homeless shad would not encour
age profane thoughts at the breakfast ia
BILE and make more backsliders in a month
than could be reconverted in year.-Nor
ristoacn HeYald
When you meet young man who is
smoking a cigar, it is your duty to stoI
him and say: Young man, that cigar con
tains acetic, formic, butyric, valerie and
proprionic acid, creosote, carbolic acid
ammonia, prussic acid, sulphuretted by
drogen, pryidine, virodine picolene and
rubidene, to say nothing of cabbagine and
burdoc acid. He may stick to the cigar,
but you have done your duty in the pre-
misses. %
It was in an Ellis restaurant the other
night that a waiter was apologlzing to a
guest for the dilapidated state of his nap
kin. "Don't mention it, responded the
customer, sadly. 81 don't mind the holes
in the least. That part Of your napkin is
always sure to be clean" And for the
next ten minutes nothing could be heard
but the butler combing his hair out III the
pantry. re
A big six-footer was lifting for all he
was worth on a wagon wheel, which was
stuck, when little two-foot mite Of hui
manity, nearly as broad as he was long,
and Just out of dresses and into pants,
with his hands in his pockets and swag
gering air, sang out: mister, do you want
we to help you? can grunt while you
lift"
A little thing in Sunday school was ask
ed by her teacher if she always said he,
prayers night and morning. mo, miss, !
don't.'' ''Why, Mary, are you not afraid
to 20 to sleep in the dark without asking
the good Father to take care Of you till
morning ?" s'No. miss, amt, cause
sleep in the middle.''
A lawyer and preacher we're discussing
the direction of the wind. The former
said, I'VE go by the courthouse vane. .
"And we 60 by the church vane,'' replied
the parson. s'In the matter Of wind that
is the best authority" said the lawyer
And the preacher went home to cogitaCe
A member of the North Carolina Legis
lature. dining at Raleigh hotel. saw ;
pod of red pepper on a dish near at hand
He thought it was new kind of fruit AM
took bite. The tears streamed down hi
cheeks as he put the pod down, saying
s'D-n you, lay there and cool.''
If these few lines reach the eye Of tn
young man who was singing: Rocked il
the Cradle of the Deep" about one O'clocl
the other morning, they will inform hin
that the only reason we didn't rock him
was because we didn't have any rock
handy.
Two boarding house keepers are compar
ing notes s'It pears to me, Mrs. Miggles
that your chicKen-salad is never found out
leastWays never hear none of the board
ers complain ''You see,'' explained Mrs
Miggles, II allus chops up a few feathers
With the veal.''
'sThere are only one hundred and fifty
different ways ofputting up peaches, F" said
young lady to our funny contributor
(which way do you prefer ?" 81 prefer
putting them down. was the reply.
ST should like to see somebody abduct
me, said Mrs. Smith at the breakfast ia
BILE, the other morning. Him so should
I, my dear, so should To said Mr.. Smith
with exceeding earnestness,
When boy walks with girl as though
he were afraid some one would see him
the girl is his sister. If he walks so close
to her as to nearly crowd her against the
fence, it is the sister Of some one else.
It is claimed that man never loses any
thing by politeness, but this has proved tt
be a mistake. An old Philadelphia lifted
his hat to young lady, and the wind car
ried away his wig.
''Say, you'd better shut that big moutf
O. yourn," said an irreverert urchin to al
old .oper, the other Sunday, ''cause there's
alaw, you know, agin openin' liquor sa
looms on the Sabbath day."
ae was informed that a lady had called
to see him in his absence. IA LADY," hi
unused aloud-ssa ladyv' Upon an accu
rate description he suddenly frightened VI
and added: ',Oh! dot vas no lady; dot va
my wife,"
An editor with nine unmarried daugh
tiers was recently made justly Indignant
by the misconstruction his contemporaries
put upon his able leader on ''The demand
for Men,"
If you do not wish man to do a thing
you had better get him to talk about it;
for, the more men talk, the more likely art
they to do nothing else.
'sYoung man. said studious parent
TO his garrulous son, "you have mission
to PERFORM "What is it pa, what is it?'
ait is to keep your mouth SHUT
stA l;ttIo too much ranosa ahont the