South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1880-06-11
Cousin Sally billiard.

must not die; and it has been some time
since the public have been called to
laugh over its exquisite righteousness
The scene is laid in court OF justice
over in Jersey. a beardless disciple of
Themis rises and thus addresses tho
court:
! May it please your worship and you
gentlemen of the jury, since it has been
my fortune, (good or bad will not saw
TO exercise myself in legal isquisition,
it has never befallen me to be Obliged to
prosecute so direfully marked an assault
A more wilful, violent, and dangerous
battery, and finally moro diabolical
breach OF the peace, has seldom happen.
Ell in civilized country, and dare say
it has seldom been your duty to pass
upon one so shocking to benevolent feel.
ings, as this which took place over at
Captain kice's in this county; but you
will hear from the Witnesses
Tho Witnesses being sworn, two OF
three were examined and deposed. Ono
said that he heard the noise, but did not
see the fight; another that he saw the
row, but did not know who struck FIRST !;
and another that he was very drunk, and
couldn't-say much about the scrimmage.
Lawyer Chops-'l am sorry, gentle
men to have occupied your time with
the stupidity Of the witnesses examined.
1t arises, gentlemen, altogether from q
Misrepresentation on my part. Had I
known as | do that had q witness who
was acquainted with all the circum stan.
ces OF the case, and WHO was able to
make himself clearly understood to the
court and jury, | should not have tres
passed so long on your patience. Come
forward, Mr. Harris, and be sworn
So forward comes the witness, fat,
chufry old man, 'leetle' corned, and
took his oath with an air.
Chops: Harris, we wish you to tell
about the riot that happened the other
day at Captain Rice's, and as good
deal OF time has already been wasted in
circumlocution, VIC wish you to be COM
pendous, ut tina. time as explicit as pos.
| sible.'
Harris 'Adzactly [givying the lawyer
q knowing wink, at the same time clear.
ing his thToat.] Captain Rice he gin a
treat, and cousin Sally billiard she
comes over TO our house and axed me If
my wife she mount 60. told cousin
Sally billiard my wife was poorly. being
as how she had q touch OF rheumatism
in her hip. there having been great
deal OF rain lately, but. however, as it
was she, cousin Sally billiard, my wife
she mout go. Well, cousin Sally billiard
then axed me if Nose mout 60. told
cousin Sally billiard he was The foreman
of the crap. was smartly in tho grass,
but, however, as it was she, cousin Sal.
ly billiard, Nose he mout CO.
! Chops: In the name OF common
sense, Mr.. Harris, what do you mean By
this rigm1role2'
Witness: Captain Rice, lie gin treat,
and cousin Sally billiard she came over
to my house and axed me if my wife
she moug'nt go, and told cousin Sally
| Diilard-'
Chops: stop, sir, If You please; we
don't want to hear about your cousin
Sally billiard or your wife tell us about
tic fight at Rice's.
Witness: Well. l will, sir if you will
let me-
Chops: Well, sir, go on.
Witness: Well, sir, Captain Rice he
gin treat, and cousin Sally billiard she
came TO my house and axsed me il M Y
wife she mount go.
Chops: Here IL is again. Witness,
/ please to stop.
Witness: Well, sir, what do you
want?
Chops: We want 10 know about the
night, AMI you must not proceed with
This impertincnt story. Do you know
anything about the matter before the
court2
Witness: To be sure | do.
Chops: Well, 60 on then anil tell it,
and nothing else
Witness: Well, Captain Rice, lac gin
treat
Chops. This is ntolerable. Hay IL
please the court, move that the witness
be committed for contempt He seems
70 be tfiaing with the court.
Conft: Witness, you arc before the
court o. justice, and uuloss you behave
Yourself in a moro becoming manner
you will be sent TO Jail 80 begin and
Tell me what you know about the lght
at Rice's.
Witness: Well, Gentlemen, Ceptain
Rice he gin treat, aud cousin Sally
Court latter celebrating j Mr.. At.
torney, the court is Of opinion that we
may save time By letting tho witness 90
on IN his own way. Proceed Mr.. Harris.
Win your story, bat stick 70 tho point.
witness Yes, gentlemen. Well,
Captain Rice he gin treat and cousin
sally billiard came over TO our house
aud axet me il my wife she MOUNT 90.
told cousin Sally billiard Chat ms wife
she was poorly, being as how sue had
The rheumatics in her hip, and The big
swamp was up; bowsoeyer, as il was
she, cousin sally billiard, my wife she
mout 60. Well, cousin Sally billiard
then axcd me ii Nose h3 mount 90
told cousin Sally Dillard as how Nose
was the foreman OF the crap, and the
crap was smartly in She grass, but how.