, 1880-05-31
Wit and HumOr.

1t is seldom that good bank teller
will tell any ything about his bank
A wag said of an egotistical writer:
Somebody should take pity on his
readers and put out his I's.''
The ladies give as a reason for mar
rying for money, that they now seldom
find anything else in man worth nav
ing.
| HE DIFFERENcE.-Wh two young
men meet, they address each other as
"old man, and when two old fellows
meet, they say "my boy"
A promising youth about to be chas-
tised by his father, called upon his
grandfather to protect him from the
superfueus middlemaI."
A Michigan Congressman told a
friend that he was filled with amaze
ment; and the friend went down to the
bar and called for amazement.
What would you think of the man
who divulged secret intrusted to him?"
Think? Why, should think he had
initiated the other man." replied Jones.
PRoFEssoR.-"I II 1 should put on
green glasses and view this class, would
not be deceived in their appearance"
"Well, no; don't think you would"
Lemmy, you're pig" said q faith
or to his son, who was five years old.
"Now do you know what a pig is,
Lemmy ?" "Yes. sir; a pig is a hogs
little boy"
My wife," remarked a prominent
manufacturer, never attends auctions.
She went once, and seeing friend at
the opposite side of the room, nodded
very politely, whereupon the auction.
eer knocked down patent cradle. and
asked her where she wished it deliver
ed"
An old lady recently visiting prison
asked one of the attendants why the
prisoners received such coarse food.
He told her it was to keep their blood
from becoming impure. And when
asked what they would do if their blood
was impure, he dryly responded, Break
out"
Could coniugal affection be more
strictly displayed than it is in the sub
joined? "And so, doctor, you think
my wife will get well?" II am sure
OF it, if you Can persuade her to take
this Dose" doctor, take it she shall,
if have to break every bone in her
body"
A school-teacher who had just been
telling the story of David, ended with,
D." And all this happened over three
thousand years ago." A Il tile cherub,
its blue eyes opening wide with won
der, said, after a moments thought,
"Oh, dear, marm, what a memory you
have got!''
A Marshfiold man, who lost his good
character some time ago, was severely
hauled over by some of his former
friends. "I I know it boys. l know my
characters gone-lost entirely. And"
he added, rather pointedly, "it's too
confounded bad; for it was the only
one in the place worth saving"
"No, your Honor" said an old Of
fender at the bar of justice, "don't
send me back to Sing Sing again. With
the Insurance presidents and saving
banks cashiers and such, its society is
getting too exclusive for me. A fellow
like me can't find anybody in his own
set to associate with except the keep
ers."
A capital anecdote is told of little
fellow who, in turning over the leaves
of scrap book, came across the we'll
known picture of some chickens just
out of their shell. my companion
examined the picture carefully. and
then with grave, sagacious look at me.
slowly remarked: 'They came out COS
they was afraid of being boiled.'"
When Naples WAS ruled by King
Bomba, his Majesty one day paid Wis
it to the ship of an English commodore
lying in the bay. While the commo-
dere was receiving his royal visitor on
the quarter deck, member of the Nea-
politan suite, wandering about amid
ships, mistook wind-sail for pillar,
and leaning against it, suddenly went
below, head foremost. The only wit
ness of the accident, an old tar, there
upon made for the quarter deck, and
having saluted, said, 1 beg pardon,
commodore, but one of them ere kings
has fell down the hatchway."
Emmie was sent to the grocer's for a
pound of mild cheese. In few min
utes she returned, crying as if her heart
would break. "What is the matter,
my dear?" asked her mother, somewhat
alarmed. 81 don't care-they were
real mean," she answered. Who?"
"Why, all Of them; they just laughed
at me-the clerks and everybody"
Laughed at you, my child; why.
what did you ask for ?" 81 asked for
pound of calm cheese" she said, be-
tween her sobs. The fact was that EN-
mie had learned that day at school that
''mild" meant "calm,'' and the first
chance she got she used the new word.
A Cleveland lawyer, defending a