Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1880-10-01
FLOATING FUN.

Never does a man believe SO strongly
in the attraction Of grayitation as when
he sits down in chair and finds it gone
Diner Csnifting) Waiter. l really
think this fish is not fresh r. Waiter
Yessir, can't answer for that sir I've
honly been ere week, sir !'-Pmch.
I'D have You know" exclaimed Mrs.
Upakrust. haughtily tossing her head,
that nv family always moved in the up-
per circles" Yes" whispered Mrs.
Blunt to her friend Sarah Jones, Il heard
tell the scum always rises to the top"
Toddlelins is a very small man indeed,
but he said he never minded it at all until
his three boys grew up TO be tall, strap
ping young fellows, and his wife began
TO cut down their old clothes and cut
them over to fit him. And then he said
he did get mad. d.-Barimgton Hawktye.
Faithful to his charge: A sentinel
placed before powder magazine receiy-
ing orders to allow no smoking The
colonel passed by smoking n fragrant
Havana. The sentinel presented arms,
saying Pardon, colonel, but no smok-
ing is allowed" The officer magnifi-
Gently threw his cigar away and walked
off proud that his men were no respect
ers of persons III the discharge of their
duty. Nhereupon the sentinel picked
up the cigar and finished it triumphant
ly.-Pdrjs Paper.
\ lawyer who was badgering II colored
witness IN a District Of Columbia court
by asking him if he had not been CON
yicted Of larceny, assault and arson, re
ceiving a negative reply i'll every case,
finally inquired "Have YOU ever been
in the penitentiary ?" "Yes, sah." At
torney smiled complacently, and resum-
ed: How many times have you been in
the penitentiary? Twice, sab. "
''Where?" In Baltimore, sab" How
long were You there the first time ?"
about two hours. sab. ' .'How long the
second time?' asked the attorney, rather
crestfallen. "An hour. sab. | went
there to whitewash n cell for q lawyer
who had robbed his client" The attorney
sat down amid the laughter of the spec
tators.
Some one having propounded the query,
What invention would most benefit the
community at large ?" suspicious mar
ned woman replies:
A glass, 50 framed that whea the husbands out.
The wife, at home can see what he's about
When Sarah Jane. the moral miss
Declares Ills very WRONG TO Kiss.
Ill bet a shilling see through II
The damsel, flnly understood.
Feels Just a any Christian should
shed rather suffer wrong than DO II.
The racket has arrived You grab
your partner around the waist and glue
her 10 your bosom Then both skin
three tunes to the right and kick out side
ways twice, repeat the motion to the left
and keep up the racket as long as the
mans arm holds out and there is any
kick left. There are more crab motions
and less grace III the dance than i'll
waltz, but there is alsomo gennine hug
glng, and IT can be danced to most anv
music from Golden Slipper" to Green
vile"
tramp woke mp suddenly with cold |
sweat standing in great beads upon his |
forehead. "Oh, my God nv Godr |
Whats the matter 2" asks his cornpan-
ION. "A frighIul dream 1 dreamt | |
was At work IL told you that last |
mince pie wodld give yoI horrid night
mare. '-FfOach VIZ
There is a good story told of a famous
PansiGn sc,faUratsnr warmly recon- |
mendin9 10 a rich customer, whom he |
knew 10 be no connOisseur in wine. u GER |
tam Bordeaux which he declared 10 be of |
some splendid old vintage Il can |
vcuch for what | say, urged the rcstop-
rdtcUs', ''fUr | know it was put in bottle |
the day nay grandfather was baptized" |
riH sreu; victim consented, and the |
s.ine Tas hrout lat in a bottle So covered |
with cobwebs and dirt that it locked more |
like rat than anything else. The |
''cradle' was handled most carefully by |
laa.a I I.y.. 1