The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1880-08-26
Susan's Dark HOrse-An Episode u
e the Census.

W CsucC uCI 1WO mOSG AdFOrcU NlSlGOIS
to look upon each other with the most
vindictive feelings common to hated
rivals. These gentlemen-who were
respectively d City-Hall clerk, with
Eyeglasses and freckles, named Pliff;
and a red-headed dry-goods manipula-
tor called Diggs-occupied the inter.
walls devoted to gloomily sitting each
other out three evenings q week to
fruitless attempts to discover which of
the two was really the coming nlan Id
the matrimonial race, SO to speak.
Last Thursday morning Miss Smiley,
in response to business-like ring, ad-
mitted q middle-aged party with a
black beard, and wearing blue goggles
and long tailed ulster.
am taking the census, num-" he
said, opening the Hat book on the piano
and getting out some blanks, "just look
sharp, please, and answer the necessary
questions
Miss Smiley trembles a little, as
women always do for some reason when
talking to a Government officer, and
said she'd try.
"Lem'me see--your names Smiley,
1 believe first name?'
"5usan."
"Midd1e namef''
Haven't got any, SIR"
'Come now, young woman, no pre-
varication. Are you sure you haven't
got a middle name somewhere, and you
are trying to conceal it?''
mo, sir; indeed haven't" said the
young lady, turning very pale. II
wouldn't deceive you.'
You'd better not, mum. The PEN
atty is twenty-five years at hard labor. !"
"GraciOus metz
"Fact, mum. Now, then, let's see
what's next. All! yes-how often mar
ried?'
"Not once yet
''Ahum! Going to be, 1s'pose? Been
asked, eh?''
"Oh, yes, sir; several times"
"Call it six times" said the census
tl1an, making an entry. whats next?
All, yes-is your back hair false?''
"M--m-must answer that?"
"Of course you must. Don't tribe
With the United States Government,
mum. Come now
"Well, it's softer; that is, kinder
"That'lldo; Wen call it mixed. Teeth
sound?'
"Yes, sirr' with much emphasis.
''Don't get excited. Let's see-Pn
put your age down as twenty-iv The
United States never allows us to take a
woman's age on oath. They will lie;
can't help it, l guess"
"rm just eighteen. 1 don't care
whether the Government likes it or
not" said the citizeness snappishly.
"Of course, of course; they all say
that. Pay attention, please. How
many inches around the waist?'
"Well, if you must know, sixteen.
But think its just shame
"No remarks, if you please. Ahem!
Wen call it nineteen. They generally
throw off about three inches, l find.
Size of shoe?''
"Two-but can wear one and "a"
"I'll return you as a number four.
That's about what a 'threer' always
says. Any beauxP'
"W--w-what?'
II say, any beaux?-and be very
careful about your answer, 1l1ttm. The
Washington authorities are very par
ticular on this point. Has everything
to do with the next census, you see.
Now, how many sweethearts?"
s'Well-of c0urse-there are some
gentlemen coming here-and -"
''Of course there are; I've got you
down in the Good looks space as "A.
A. /. l. handsome So, of course, you
have plenty of admirers. All the Gov
eminent requires, however, is the prin-
cipal Ones"
"Well," said the young lady, some
what Modified, ''there is Jimmy Plitf,
and Tom Diggs, and"
"Hold up, right there? Which of
'em do you intend to marry?" said the
enumerator of population earnestly.
ssOh, neither of them. There's
ahem!--there's a splendid gentleman
named Scudberry-Charley Scudberry
perhaps you know him? He has big
brown whiskers and beautiful curly hair,
and -"
"And do these these other gentle
men-Pliff and Diggs-know Of the
existence-of this--this fellow, Scud-
berryP' atg E~. :.-#-
ooh, no! I'm too smart for that. 1
just take them along to buy ice cream
and caramels, and take me to the the
ater. It's the biggest fun! Charlie
knows oil about it, you see, and calls
himself the--the--oh. yes, the dark
horser'
.Oh, he does, does her, reared the
census man, jerking off his wig and
goggles and revealing the enraged fea-
lures of Mr.. Thomas Diggs: II wish
him joy of his bargain, and IN give him
just six months to get divorce from
the most two-faced little cat on the Pa
cific coast!'' And he banged the door
like pile-driver behind time as he
stalked out. San Francisco Post. =,