The Newtown bee., 1880-12-01
HUMOROUS.

hS<AOAhoSSs
 The place of woe-The stable.
 "I'm down on you," said the incipient mustache to the lip.
 Sundries-Almost everything that Is exposed to it's rays.
 Lovers often differ, although it seems write that they sho1ld correspond-- StGtesnsdn.
 To check is to stop, except in case of a travellers baggage, which IS checked to make it go. .-.r..
 Sage advice is applicable when you think of stuffing'' '' somebody Neri- den Recorder.
 The fellow who picked up the hot penny originated the remark. !" All that glitters is not cold"
 There will not bo much kicking down. stairs in that household. A Nashville bride and groom have one leg apiece. IL was the Cat. In quarrel at Ithaca. young man was knocked sense!ess by eat in the hands of his opponent. "The Parlor Cattle Car Company has been incorporated in Cincinnati, and "Boudoir hog cars" are expected next
 "That fellow is just like teiescope,' said dashing New York girl. You can draw him out, see through him. and shut him up again."
 Mathematical couples are so thick in | Wash ington hotels that the other guests require no sugar in their coffee or syrup on their griddle cakes.
 A New Yorker is named Stealing, and he hates the name; but he took the curse of ;t for his daughter by making her Christian name Worth"
 A Blighted Life'' is the title of the latest English society novel. but the name of the lady who failed to get the sealskin sack is not given.
 It's wonderful how many things boy can hit with coal scuttle on his way down cellar when he has had feelings ruffied.
 Many a young lady is perfect in presE- | ing autumn leaves, who leaves al the pr, ssing of her clothing for her aged mother to perform - Waterloo ObseTUer.
 A man was around yesterday who could grind scissors in four languages Some of his remarks were sheaT non sense, and some very cuting.-AcGTegoT NesCs. ...
 Consoling: Poor author" HrGvess what pain there is in my heac J" Ills wife -" Comp aiming O. thatl f.u ought to be thankful tliane Is anythlrg in it"
 "Foiled by Woman" was i'e ii;ie of the article, but il,e printer. wh" evidently didn't gO much ol tLe pceiic-a'- set it up Boiled by Womsn"- hcridcM Reoor.,tT.
 | A Philadelphia man hss perfected a plan for bringing coal cut of the cellar without exerting any of his muscle lis makes his wife cart II up.-Pet Scelp7iG Chronicle HerdId.
 A Chicago grocer sells soap. every tenth cake of which contains m Iis C h. ter 2 gold doIlsr, and the citizens of Chicago are getting bo look tClerahly clean.-Bost0a Post.
 During one month last summer the Philadelphia mint coined S600. GOO, and how they all got past us without our seeing one of them is hat astonishes us. Burlington HGu6eyc.
 The statisticians wonder how it hap pens that lightning strikes twice as many men as women. We suppose tLe reason is there are more conductors among the men.-NeU Fork GTaphlc.
 "How shall I have my bonnet trimmed asked Maria, "so that 1t shall agree with my compieNionr II you want ii to match your face, nave it plain, l" replied the hateful Hattie
 When a man asks favor at a news paper office and states that he has been subscriber for q number of years, denial becomes an impossibility- The argument is clinched, and he can have the entire establishment for the asking. -Ol City Derrick.
 A girl in Dublin struck her croquet partner on the head with the mallet; brain fever set in, and the young man nearly died. The girl was kept under arrest until his recovery, and when he got well she married him, and TOW he's sorry he didn't die
 "Did you break that window, boys' said the grocer, catching. hold ot the
 fleeing urchin. Yes, sir" What dye mean by running of in this man nerpn "PleaSe, sir, l was running home to get the money. 1 was fraid If ] I didn't run quick I might forget"
 "Why is a woman more afraid of 8 , mouse than mani" inquired young Smartboy of his best girl. "Oh, l as ' sure you," was her reply, ga mouse IS 3 much more dangerous than man, ana } she leaned so heavily on his arm that he for moment really imagined he \ as man.-NeiO HaUea Register , What do you eat those horrid mush- rooms for, MatildaP" asked the dainty } Augustus. "I don't see how you can
 bear them. They're nothing but nasty
 fungus. anyway" That's just it, re-
 piled the fair Matilda, balancing bit If the libeled food on the end of hez q fork; "I eat them for fun, Gus. ."-Boston 1ranscrpt.
 !. People who go into business by the |, side of men who have a large business !. built up by constant advertising, and . never advertise dollar, but depend i. uron the drippings from the neix xhborine 7 sanctuary, are like boys who go out te = = a pigeon shoot and try to get enougf |, birds for & mess from those who ge q away from the regular sportsmen- Sucf !. is life, and the poi-hunters often go hun o gry.-MlsUaukee Ss0s. t The follies, vices, and consequen