Litchfield enquirer., 1880-07-29

The suburban person who talks most elo-
quently of crops, focks and herds, is he who
has lived all his days between the pent-up
walls of city until week before last. Fresh
knowledge is what gives man the itch.
An American girl who marries an Italian
marquis gets on very we'll until his serene
highness begins to spend all Der money and
talk of "her fatherze shopkeepaire." Then
she fires up and gives him little 4th OF
July.
I'll teach you to lie, and steal, and smoke,
and use profane language, said an irate Gal
weston parent to his eldest offspring, at the
same time swinging a good sized sappling,
'TIl teach you, you young scamp" "Never
mind, father, know all them branches al
ready"
A little girl who had been on a railroad train
when an accident occurred, was told by her
mother that she ought to thank God for her
escape from injury when she made her evening
prayer. She did it in this way: Thank you,
0 God, for not letting me get hurt to-day;
but the next time 60 to the city I'll 60 in
wagon"
A man out west obtained divorce from his
wife, and married again within three days at
ter the decree was granted. An Irshman,
commenting on the mans action, remarked,
''Bedad, he couldn't have had much RESPECT
for his first wife, to be marrying again so soon
afther LAWN her."
A patent medicine advertisement reads thus,
"When lethargic feeling pervades your sys-
tenn when you have Discrimination to move
about; when you have an adherence to exer-
else, your liver is inactive" This will be
glad tidings to many people who have always
thought they were lazy when they felt that
way. Now they will know that 1t was only
their liver that was lazy.
''He that rules his spirit is mightier than he
who taketh city," was what Browns wife
quoted to him the other day. and he told her
sadly that he believed it. He said he could
rule one or two glasses of spirit, but after he
got beyond that the spirit usually ruled
him.
A Dutchman who married his second wife
soon after the funeral of the first, was visited
with two hours serenade in token of disap-
proval. He expostulated pathetically thus:
II say, poys, you ought to be ashamed of
yourself to be making all dish noise ven dere
vas funeral here so soon."
Not long since an Eastern man, while on
his way to Boston, was stopped on the road
by highwayman, and requested to hand over
his money or have his brains blown out. "Oh,"
said the traveller, quietly, elbow away. blow
away. It's better to 60 to Boston without
brains than without money"
"If.ye Place, mum, the cook has boorned
her hand, an axes to be excused for few
days, for it's most crazy she il wild the pain. I"
''Indeed, Bridget, I'll do nothing of the sort.
| expect to dinner tomorrow several promi-
nent members of the society for the prevention
of cruelty to animals, and the cook must do
her work or find another place, pain or no
pain"
An itnerant merchant, meeting one of his
own fraternity the other day, whose pony
might be considered beautiful specimen of
an equine skeleton, demonstrated with the
owner, and asked the owner if he ever fed
him. ''Ever fed him; that's a good 'un,
was the reply; ''he's got bushel and half
of oats at home, only he h'aint got any time
to eat 'em."
He packed his valise in his bedroom, then
carefully raised the sash, and attached to the
wel-worn handle the end of long whip lash.
Softly he lowered the treasure, and thought
in the morning and found that bis man was
not there. Slowly the valise descended into
the darkness of night, when the voice of the
landlord shouted, 'Let 60, I've got it all
right -
Galveston, Tex, Recorder-"You have
been drunk again. What's your excuse now ?"
your honor, l was only celebrating the
great natal day of American Independence.
''Yes, but yesterday was the 18th, not the
4th." 81 know it, but l did not have capital
enough on the 4th to celebrate the day in a
manner worthy of the great city of Galveston,
the queen city of the gulf-the gem of the sea,
the-the- great cotton mart of the south, SO
got tight yesterday instead" Recorder
(whose local pride is touched)-"The case is
to help Galveston along"
Hans Growyost, worthy German farmer
who has been a lifelong resident of Berks
county, has shrewdish wife, who has long
rendered his life anything but couch of
roses. One day not long ago she, in a fit Of
pique, picked up her buds and left him, VOW
ing never to come back. The news went
around among the neighbors-you know how
intelligence of all kinds does travel in the
country-and at night several of them,
of whom | was one, went to condone
with Hans. He sat on his front stoop putting
away at his pipe. "Hans,"I remarked II
pity YOU "My boy" replied the honest
Dutchman, as he disturbedly knocked out the
ashes of his pipe, ''you vas right She has
shust come back!"