The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1880-01-23

oohK MORE CHRoHoLOoY.-DurinB the year
just buried and wept over several things hap
pened which will never be mentioned in the
dictionary or encyclopedia. but should be re-
membered by the public all the same.
The number OF men who pulled their guns
towards them by the muzzle was about fifty.
One trial will satisfy you that 1t never fails.
Eighteen hundred and seventy nine was q
good year for the fool who points unloaded re-
volvers at his aunt and other folks. He man
aged to keel ever about twenty victims, and is
real sorry" for it. He wouldn't have done it
for nothing, you know.
During the dead year eleven paragraphers
got of jokes on the mother Law and then
ssftly slipped into their last resting place be-
meath the willows. 1t is well. Nobody has
missed them
The number Of orators who in 1878 began
their speeches with, "Fellow citizens OF this
glorious country was eighty-fve; the num-
ber in 1879 was only eightyfour. Let us be
thankful for small favors and have hopes OF
the future.
off in activity. Only seventeen females hur-
ried up the fire.
OF the one hundred and fifty-two house,
holders who borrowed shot guns and took dead
aim at 'that internal cat" three hit the cat and
the remainder knocked over small boys and
other live stock, and are now wondering bow
on earth they could possibly have done it.
Eighteen hundred and seventy mine WAS
good year for deaf persons to go visiting.
Thirty -four Of them took the railroad track to
save distance. The day express was on time.
The last year was also noticeable for the num-
beI CT persons who took quiet smoke after
going to bed, fell asleep and passed INTO bet
ter land at the expense OF INSURANCE companies.
A clay pipe and a cents worth of tobacco are
oil the outfit needed.
The number OF knd-hearted people who
went out hunting, mistook friend for wild
turkey, fox or grizzly and peppered HIM dead
was fourteen, with Rhode Island to hear from.
Every one OF them felt bad enough to cry, but
mistakes will happen in all families.
The sea serpent was seen only zine times
during 1879. This may influence some persons
to believe that he is gradually dying out and
will soon become extinct, bat there is no dan
ger OF it mot with the present brand OF sss
captains.
The number Of mothers who left rat poison
and other fatal doses whore the children could
get at them Was twenty -one. This is decrease
over tho previous year, and IN the dim future
womankind may possibly realize the fact that
children, cats, rats, cockroaches and ants are
susceptible TO tho same influence.
During 1879 only two householdsrs mistook
the hired girl for . burglar and popped her
dead. There is consequently no demand for
national convention OF hired girls to discuss
the question: "Shall we wear bullet-proof
corsets and demand more wages >"
The number Of mon who suddenly and mys-
teriously disappeared during 1879 was very
large, and the number who turned up after
three days drunk was perfectly amazing, and
the returns are still coming in by every mail
Eighteen hundred and seventy produced
no improvement in drawing teeth; no cousola
ton for the man who has to have his hair cut
no better method for breaking in new boots;
no new route for embszzlers to get into Canada;
no way Of getting along on the street cars ex-
cept TO stand up, and no new way OF getting
back small loans. Considered as a whole. she
wasn't anythipg extra OF year, even for bad
weather.-Detroit Free Press.