The Hartford herald. [volume] (Hartford, Ky.) 1875-1926, 1880-02-04
THE JONESES.
A Traigcsiy and n wedding.

There lived down ON the fiat at Puckervills,
man whose neighbors called him Jones
and "Bill,"
And sometimes"old Bill Jones, land THAT ~
But never Mister Jones, nor spoke in tones
Of him which could imply the least respect,
While in them one could readily detect
The feeling that IL was settled fnct
In Puckerville, by evidence well backed,
That of mean men the neanest man was
OF that same town; and blast his darned old
bOnes,'
Would now and then bc heard as they con-
NerSed
About him and his wiclxedness rehearsed.
In truth this Jones was less man than mule,
And, take him first and last. "a rule,
The mule had rather better traits than he,
Besides a favoring difference of degree.
So stingy and SO obstinate man
Has seldom lived since this queer wprld
began;
And jealousies, revenges and the rest
OF this bad brood of passions did infest
His puny soul, and there were held and
Those the most carefully which were the
worst. .
Now, IL so happens in this life of ours,
perhaps from plannings of the higher pow
,ers),
That startling incongruities are found
In towns and households all the world around;
And so II was there at the house of Jones
thing as puzzling rs if those old zones,
And ice combine with equatorial heat.
For, while Jones was the meanest man ON
earth,
And fought each day at his domestic hearth
With Nancy Jones, his wife, rs mean as be,
And both were homely as chimpanzee,
They had daughter coming seventeen,
As sweet and fair as they were sour and mean.
Her name was Helen, and not she of Troy,
For whom great armies fought,was more ajoy
Because of beauty than this Helen was,
In spite of parents hideous and cross.
Suitors she had. at least half a score,
And would have had full twice as many more,
But for the natural fear which much prevailed
Among young men that they might DE
assaulted
BY old Bill Jones, or his old termagant.
SO, while they sometimes cautiously would
haunt t......r.. .
The maiden's footsteps, just to see her grace
OF form and sanity radiance of face,
And worship her afar, but few would dare
To meet the fierce ana contumacious pair
Which so inscrutable had been the cause
OF her existence, and whose rigid laws
Parental kept her much from human sight,
And hard at work from morning until night.
Jones owned a kicking cow-the worst, I
guess
Within dozen states, or little less,
Which ever had been milked and therefore lit
To be his own, and supplement his grit
And viciousness with hers, by frequent use
Ofleg and tai, with kicks and whacks profuse.
Her fourteen quarts at morning and at night
Prevented Jones from killing her outright.
Her head above and leg behind. and tried
hundred ways to keep her quiet like;
But kick she would, and when she kicked
he'd strike.
One spring this COW behaved SO strangely we'll
That Jones, who just before resolved 10 sell
A beast so like himself, quite changed his
And ceased to tie her fractions leg behind.
And regularly MIXED and MIXED away,
Less fearful and more confident each day,
a n
From such n cause or other causes can.
Now comes the tragedy! One day in June
He started out to milk, arriving soon
Where Brindle stood, and straightway took
his STOOL
And sat right down beside her, calm and cool,
When 10, the leg which had been still so long
Flew up and struck him, quick, direct and
strong,
Right at the belt, so that he fell and groaned,
And gasped for breath and piteously moaned,
The neighbors came in haste and looked at
him,
And said his chance for lie was pretty slim.
His wife screamed "Help!'' and asked what
But no one cared TO tell her, Ii he knew;
Till Smith, more sympathetic than most men,
Said, Try the Warner Remedies (which then,
As they are now, were kept in Puckerville
AS cures for almost every human i'll
Pills, Bitters, Nervine, Kidney Cure and all
Ready and near at any moments call.
Another said aside, IL they'd but kill
He'd like to give Safe Pills to the ''old pill,r
safe Bitters and the rest, and thus e'er night
Get the old sinner safely out of sight;
But since these remedies so often cured,
such talk AZ Smiths was hard to be endured,
Although twas doubtful if they'd cure IA kick,
However else they might affect the sick.
Well, Jones was taken up and put to bed,
And the next morn ut milking time was dead.
Then Nancy Jones, his widow, so they say.
Grew sadder, thinner, weaker every day.
Deprived of Jones and her accustomed strife,
She found no longer any joy in life,
And took rope at last, Herewith to kill
Time and herself at once, and join her Bill;
And when found hanging in the fatal moose
Twas said hemp ne'er was put TO better use!
The daughter now was mistress of the place,
And one day Charley Smith, who saw her
face
Shine like an angels at the window pane,
Went in and pleaded with her, not in vain,
But left her blushing from his words and kiss.
Her conquered heart all huttering with bliss.
This sweet and happy Jones was made, hear,
A happier Smith this month, this very year;
And now the handsome and well-mated pair
Have started a domestic heaven where
The Joneses they succeeded, rs folks tell,
For forty years kept domestic hell.