The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-12-23

HuMoRs OF THE DAY.

HUMORS OF THE DAY.
THE man who drinks 'alf an 'alf gets
of'en off.
IT is the fiat who loves to have others
fatter him.
MANY broth of boy has been re-
duced to a supe at the theatre.
A MAN out in Nebraska died the other
day while blowing his nose. 1t was a
fatal blow.
You can tell when a reporter is going
to make point by the way he sharpens
his pencil.
To remove superfuous hair-Send
your we'll filed mattress to be done over
by cheap upholsterer.
The book agent knows he is solid
when he wipes his feet on door mat in
which the word ssWelcome" is woven.
OUT in the mines they shoot man
who refuses to drink his soup straight
from the plate.-Etnaira Free Press.
A D1sF1aURED man feels bad, of course,
about being marked for life; but when he
is marked for death he must feel worse.
AN exchange says: ''Streams all over
the county are running dry" This is a
canard. When stream is dry it can't
run.
A LITTLE girl who was much petted
said: 81 like sitting on gentlemen's
knees better than on ladies'; don't you,
ma"
OF forty cases on the docket Of the
Fayette County CTexas) District Court,
one murders!
WHEN Brutus and Cassius were boys
the girls used to say that Brute was such
a nice fellow, but they preferred Cash.
The girls haven't changed one bit.
"WILL you take 'em ON the half shell ?"
asked the agreeable oyster opener.
NO." said the stranger, regardless OF
expense, ''whole shell or nothing"
INDIGNATION will fill the breast of every
| artist when we state that two men were
arrested in lumber yard the other day
because they were suspected of design
on wood.
MISTRESS "Mary, this venerable goose
is tough enough to break ones teeth"
Maid =" "Yes'm; didn't you tell me,
maam, that you wanted it for piece dc
resistance?"
OF miserly man who died of soften
ing of the brain, a local paper said: ellis
head gave way, but his hand never did.
His brain softened but his heart
couldn't"
A PROVIDENCE paper says prominent
citizen of New Hampshire died ''of in
fanmation of the bowels, aged forty-ei
years. Pretty old inflammation, we
should say.
Two children in the Tulleries were ex-
tOlling the qualities of their respective
papas. ''Mine is as tall as the garden
WALL said one. .My papa can see
when he has his hat on"
A WITNESS under cross examination,
who had been tortured by a lawyer for
several hours, at last asked for glass of
water. "There," said the Judge, 81
think you'd better let the witness go
now, as you have pumped him dry
NATIVE Alaskan ladies of fashion wear
entire suits made of sealskin, drink whis-
ky and eat whales blubber; and they
are not bit stuck up about it, either.
There is a moral concealed in the busi-
ness end Of this paragraph.
The late Rev. DR.. Symington, not feel
ing well one Sunday morning, said to his
beadle, who was character" ''Man
Robert, I wish you would preach for me
to-day" 81 Gamma do that" promptly
replied Robert, "but I often pray for
you.
sold woman, how do you sell beets?"
asked loafer of an old vegetable woman
in the market, and she replied: 81 just
tell 'em I'll trust EN-, and then give 'em
stuff that looks all right and amt good
for nothing. They don't like the sell
either"
BETSY BoBB1rr, when she was elected
member of the Shakespeare Club,
made sensation The part of Juliet"
being allotted to her, she got along very
well till she came t.. the balcony scene,
when she paused 4 moment thoughtfully
before the words Hist! Romeo, hist!'
and then, to the CONSERVATION of the
audience, pronounced the 'I' broad,
shouting 'Histe Romeo Histe!'
NURSE (tc professional friend making
calD-"Well, nuss, sez he, Ugh any
'orty like he sez, Wot do you think?'
says he. Doctor / sez, quite differ
enshal, sez, I'm quite of your opin-
ion,' sez And I'm the same way of
thinking, nuss,' sez he. And SO we settles
it. professional friend (much interest
ed) 'Lor'! And wot was his opinion,
now?" Nurse "Bless yer art, my dear
creetur, in course he never hadn't given
none!"