The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1880-12-17
A FUNERAL GRAFTON.
By CLARrNDA, Iowa, DEMOCRAT AyrEn THE
ELECTION.

FELLOW CITIZENS A man usually attends
his own funeral, but it is not expected that he
should talk great deal. Laughter. knew
the funeral ceremonies would go on without me,
so concluded l had better bring in the body.
Laughter. But 1T takes great deal OF grace
to sustain man who helps furnish the corpse
for an occasion like this. Laughter. No
body but Democrat could do it. Shrieks and
gnns. 1t is certain that no one save the Dem
ocrat has had the chance to try it for the last
twenty years. Shouts OF applause and show
ers OF vest buttons. Disappointment is the
modem Democrats birthright, and mourning
his normal condition explosion OF risbles
they took out patent on disaster 20 years ago
and it has never been infringed. fCyclones OF
applause. The patent run out in 1876 and
they have just got it renewed. Ruptures OF
the epiglottis and rips OF the waistband. Look
ing over the landscape OF the last 20 years
behold acres and acres Of busted hopes, sar-
donic smiles cords and cords OF disgruntled
available tears, satanic tears. oceans and
oceans strewn with the wrecks OF phantom
ships once burdened with Democratic decisions
General spasm of the stomach and kicking OF
the vertsbr@. disappointment is an anchor
to the Democratic soul both sure and steadfast.
Whoops and commissions.
Leaves have one time TO fall
And flowers to winter at the north winds breath
And stars 10 set, but all, ., Democrat,
Thou hast all times for thine own death.
Suffering sobs. / might say with Shylock,
Sutfrance, yea, suUer-ance is the badge OF our
tribe. Paroxysmal grief. l could give you
500 reasons for this. Shrieks of encourage
ment. a lawyer offered sixteen reasons why
his Glen; was not present in court: First, he
WAS dead. The judge told him he might omit
the other fifteen. The first reason Of my 500
is we lacked the voters. Laughter. You
will allow me to omit the other 500. Applau-
sive consent. Blu. could give you more than
329 reasons. Yea, More-y letter. Howls.
John Kelly did it with his little racket. Gen
eral broadside. Wade Hampton's mule broke
his leg instead OF his neck, and Ben Hill wasn't
born a mute. Indian war-dance. English
had foreclosed his mortgages and We couldn't
redeem. THell-gate explosion. Then
It's the South that can supply
Solid comforts while We die
fCampmeeting tableaux. In some States the
Greenback party fell through crack in their
platform and crippled US. Screams and
screeches. But Democracy still lives. It's
like the mule, it never dies. But unfortunate
ly, like the ule, while it lives it is forever
throwing its riders. Democratic sympathy.
1t bucked Greeley off and killed him in 1872
Tilden stuck on till he passed under the wire.
but there was so much daylight between him
and this Democratic quadruped the judges
counted him off, although he had his feet in the
stirrups Yoops and yaps. This year we got
splendid send of and might have won, but
the donkey was stricken down in Indiana with
go Landers. Tremendous applause. We
close this chapter Of history with the hope the
story wllnot continue in our next. Outlaws.
We accept defeat the more cheerfuly because
OF the magnaniInous manner in which you take
the victory. We take it every four years. 1t is
standing prescription. 1t might well be called
the quadrennial ipecac. Cheers. It works
up before election aud works down as the re-
turns come in. Shrieks and spasms) We
thank you for the unanimous way in which YOU
have turned out to our funeral. Vocal thun-
der.J We congratulate you on the magnificent
and imposing grandeur of the obsequies. Here
the speakers feelings overcame him and he re-
tired amid encoring earthquakes and applau-
sive avalanches.