Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1880-05-14

Pat Maloney went into the Oil City
Derrick office with puzzled look on his
face. I've jist got a letther," says he,
! from Oireland, an it informs me that Il
gurl oncet coorted WIZ married shortly
arter | left, an she's now the mother OF ID
childer." That's good news, Pat. ''Ah
but s'posin as how I'd married her. and
me the fayther of 13 childer, an not wan
rid cint in my pocket" And Pat fell to
meditating on the possibilities OF fate.
They tell story about Yankee tailor
dunning man for the amount of his bill.
The man said he was sorry, very sorry,
indeed, but he could not payit. We'll.
said the tailor, Il took You for a man
who would be sorry, but if you are sor-
rier than l am, I'll quit"
Lord Beaconsfield once said of Mr..
Gladstone that he WAS sophistical rhe-
torician, inebriated with the exuberance
of his own verbosity, etc, etc. 1t Is now
! Mr.. Gladstone's turn to style Lord Bea-
consfield meretricious mercator subli-
mated with the efflorescence of his own
medulla oblongata, who has precipitated
an avalanche of contumelious obloquy
upon the devoted pericrania of his COM
4 >,
! gated to that Acherontic oblivion which,
in the gorgeous imagery OF his own Ori-
entail vernacular, fits him like the papers
on the wall-Puck,
She bad pretty diploma tied with pink
ribbon, from one of our best young Ia
dies colleges. In conversation with a
daring and courageous young man, after
he had detailed the dangers of riding on
a locomotive, she completely upset his
opinion of independent education OF the
sexes by inquiring, How do they steer
locomotives, anyhow
ODE TO FISH WORRY.
rnlucsy creature When the cruel hook
Impales thee, ere plunge thee in the brook,
Tnou canst not, by an agonizing yell,
The fearful toriures thou endurest tell.
Thou canst not, By Thy countenance, express
Thy awful suffering and dire distress
It's only IN thy power 10 twist and squirm
But can tell what thai dost mean, Q worm
And shall all this pain infilct on thee
No; I'll show mercy-Hal What do | see
In yoncer pool SO deep? 1t IS trout
A big three FOUNDER | must have hin cut
! For what are you TO such prize, o worm?
Thy hour has come! Get on that hook! Doh't
Har You resist me, Twill avail thee naught
That trout still waits for thee. 1t must be caught
Oh dratl I've dropped the worm, and too, by snuni,
That cussed hook I've baited with my thumb
]
more,
Tne trout made OF the minute that swore.
The Detroit Free Press says that
when a good-looking Indiana girl has
the measles it always follows that from
seven to fifteen of the young men in the
neighborhood are soon taken down with
the same disease.
Oh. the bang the beautiful bang
maiden, white forehead YOU II hang.
Girls that eanr get one most die OF despair,
Abuse the old man and neglect their back hair,
toaxing,
Pleading with ma.
irving To Keep her from siding with pa
Beauteous frauds with their hair In frizZ
Hustlng around I'LL things bubble and siLZ
Oh get big gun or new boomerang,
And look for the woman thai brought out Inc bang
Now" said the examining physician
10 the unhappy pilot, you must pick out
all the reds you see" The pilot COM
menced by erasping the learned profes-
sors nose, which was worsted. That
will do" said the professor your certi-
ficate is ready"
Father (who is always trying to teach
his son how to act while at the table,
''Well, John, YOU see that when | have
finished eating always leave the table. "
John-"Yes, sir, and that is about all Won
do leave"
fwequently thought, i'll fact aw had
partially weso!ved that | would nevah
bothah myself ahout getting mar-ied-
To considerable extent it is gweat
baw to have to fasten ones self to fe-
female cweachah very pwobably faw the
wemainder Of ones existence. fellaw
weally ought not TO do it, unless he is
Desperately in love But that sort of
thing has almost gone out of fashion, ex-
cept among the lowah classes and barbar
wians, or inhabitants in recently discov-
cred countries. .-Fitenoodte in Puck.
SEALED PROPOSAL.
What are sealed proposals., Tom?"
Archly asked a brtght-eycd miss,
Whose mouth upturned. like a rosebud sweet.
Seemed asking Tor a KISS.
Why Fanny dear, I'll Illustrate
It's PLAIN as a, b, c,
Give me your hand-you have my heart
And now - It's sealed-you see :"
Middleton Ifanss1'tg.
Distinguished Amateurs. Vocal
ist-She-''I do hope you'll sing this af-
ternoon. What is your voice y He
(modestly) )-''Oh, kind of a sort Of a
baritone-tenor-bass, don't You know !;
like Santley and Sims Reeves rolled into
one-only under better control Those
professional fellows never know how to
sing in drawing room" She-"Indeed !.
No more do some amateurs. I'm told
some dreadful creature was trying to sing
Gounod's Maid of Athens last Tuesday
afternoon at Mrs. Ponsonby Tomkyns's.
Everybody was i'll fits, 1t seems" He
s'At Mrs. Ponsonby Tomkyns's Do you
know you must make some mistake ; for,
oddly enough, the only person who sang
there last Tuesday afternoon was myself
and, by strange coincidence, Goun-
od's Maid of Athens was the very song
/ sang" She (blushing uncomfortably)
"Ah, it was somewhere else, then-or
some other day" He-''No doubt. |
wonder where, and when, and who 1t
could have BEEN Is wondering still.
Punch