Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1880-07-15
4ur1orons department.
HE WAS NOT A VETERAN.

An aged man came into our sanctum yes
terday. Deep eyed sadness sat on his eye
brows, like frog on the shore of a mill pond.
His attire was faultless in regard to ventila.
ton in fact, he looked as if he we're model
for some house that manufactured ventilators.
His shoes showed two long slits for admitting
air, which could come out at his knee, elbow
or hat, the whole system of ventilation being
perfect and complete. He hung his hat upon
the third hook from the door, being the one
set in diamonds, and drawing our new moroc.
co footstool up to his feet, sat down and
opened fire.
II am probably the only survivor of one of
the most desperate charges at Gettysburg"
said he. II was on the very spot which the
rebels and Union soldiers charged over ten
times, and I never stirred out of my tracks.
was right where fifteen cannon balls tore up
the earth in every direction, tearing men to
pieces, and finally finging back the two ar.
mics in confusion"
did you escape7" we asked.
81 did,"
"You escaped But you were wounded" ?"
No, sir was not touched"
"You we're not even wounded ?"
"Not much"
"But certainly your clothes were pierced
with bullets?'
"Not bit of it. Nary bullet"
"And yet you want money. No, sir Had
your head been shot of, or cannon ball torn
you in bits, or 229 bullets been lodged in your
body, we might have given you ten cents !;
but as it is, charity must begin at home.
John, bring US 6ve-cent cigar"
"But I am the only survivor" persisted the
old veteran.
"Then go and hire hall, and charge ten
cents for the exhibition"
Exhibition be hanged p said he "Give
me ten cents, and I'll tell you how didn't
get killed."
This was a tempting bait, and was taken.
Then he sidled toward the door, as he re-
marked:
II was on the very spot where that charge
was made. stood where the bullets fell like
rain, butt was month after it happened"
MODERN ScIENcE.-Modern science has
brought the cork leg to state of perfection
which renders it almost impossible for the
casual observer to detect the difference be
tween the real and the artificial. There was
an eminent sergeant-at.law some years ago,
who had a cork.leg that was triumph of ar
tistic deception. None but his intimate friends
knew for certain which was the sham limb
A wild young wag of the "utter bar" who
knew the sergeant pretty well, once thought
to utilize this knowledge of the sergeant's Sc
cret to take in green, newly 'fedged young
barrister. The sergeant was addressing spe-
cial Jury at Westminster in his usual earnest
and vehement style, and the wag whispered
to his neighbor, "You see how hot old Buzfuz
is over his case, now I'll bet you sovereign
Ill run this pin into his leg up to the head,
and he'll never notice it. he's so absorbed in
his case. He's most extraordinary man in
that way" This was more than the green
horn could swallow, so he took the bet. The
wag drew large pin from his wais,coat, and
leaning forward drove it up to the head in the
sergeant's leg. A yell that froze the blood Of
all who heard it, that made the hair of the
jury stand on end. and caused the judges wig
to almost fall off, rang through the court
"By jove! it's the wrong leg and I've lost my
money" exclaimed the dsmayed and con.
science.stricken wag, quite regardless of the
pain he had inflicted upon the learned ser,
geant.
THE MEDICINE MANA colored man
known as Uncle Squils was yesterday circu-
lating around the City Hall with basket of
popcorn, "warranted to cure dyspepsia in its
most aggravated form" He had pretty fair
luck for a while, but at length came across
an official, who nibbled at the corn and re-
marked:
"Uncle squills, I had always supposed you
to be an honest man"
$50 is-so is"
"I'm afraid not. Here you are selling
pop corn under false pretenses. You know
perfectly well that this corn won't cure dys'
pepsia." -,
well, sah-wel," stammered the old
man, as he scratched his head.
"Come, now, Uncle Squills, own right up
that this stuff won't cure dyspepsia" urged
the official.
"Well, sah,' replied the old man, after
great mental struggle, 81 am not dun certain
bout the disbpepsy bizness, but, TO de Lawd,
do believe dat dis con will turn de wuss
case of consumpshun wrong side out in less'n
free days by de clock I'll sort O weaken
on dishpepsy, sab, but I'll stick to consump-
shun right frew de season, sale or no sale!
s9- The following pleasant thing in the way
of definition once occurred in one of the pub
lie schools of city in Massachusetts. A
member of the committee, Captain x, was
visiting the school, and the class having read
from Webster's address at Plymouth, the cap
tain asked the class, "Who was Webster ?"
One boy said "a statesman" another an "ora-
tor" "But what is statesman ?" asked the
captain. "a man who goes around making
speeches." answered boy. "That is not
quite right" replied the captain 81 go around
sometimes making speeches, but am not
statesman" A bright little fellow spoke up:
81 know. 1t is man who goes around ma.
king good speeches."
s6~ A stranger stopping at a Galveston ho-
tel happened to read the local mortuary re-
port and was very much surprised. Turning
to live, progressive citizen, who was sitting
by his side in the rotunda of the hotel, he
said you have the healthiest city in the
United States. You have great advantage
over most cities"
There's where you are foolng yourself"
responded the progressive Galvestonian. "lt
is the low death rate that is keeping the place
back"
"Why, how is that2"
"We need more frst-clsss funerals to make
room for live men,"
PHILOSOPHY FOR THE DEBToR.-A discon-
solate man was asked the reason of his mel
ancholy 81 owe money and cannot pay it,"
was the detected repIy "Then" said the