Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-12-09
HUMOROUS.

HUMOROUS.
"BOB Brown, did you say that my
father had not as much sense as Billy
Smiths little yellow dogP" "No, |
never said any such thing. | never
said that your father had not as much
sense as Billy Smiths little yellow dog.
All said was that Billy's little yellow
dog had more sense than your father;
that's all ever said" ''Well, it's well
you didn't say the other, tell YOU"
THE story Is told of u prominent ac-
tress that ON going TO the theatre one
morning for rehearsal she remembered
that she had left $780, 900 under the pill
low of her bed at the hotel. A great
piece of carelessness, Oar wife never
goes out and leaves $4,000 under the
pillow Of her bed.
TRE senior Greek professor, In his
lecture TO the Juniors the other day
speaking of the marriage of Venus and
Vulcan, remarked that "the hand
soonest women generally marry the
homelest man." adding grimly,
There's encouragement for q good
many OF you"
1.-THE boy at the head of the class
will state what were the Dark Age oil
the world" Boy hesiJates. IN ext
Master Jones, can you tell me- what
the Dark Ages were?" al guess they
were the ages before speCtacles were
invented" 500 to your seats. "
JUST now the newspapers are teem-
Ing with the paragraph, "Dont drink
ice-water when you are hot, and 1t Is
one that should be regarded by all.
The time to drink ice-water is along In
the dead of Winter, when 1t Is tight
scratch to keep from freezing to death.
MAN had the misfortune recently
TO lose his wife. Over the grave he
caused a stone to be placed on which
in the depth of his grief he had order
ed to be Inscribed: "Tears cannot
restore her-therefOre | weep"
I'VE man who seeks 10 win reputa-
tien Tor prodigal generosity by public
ly astonishing some poor beggar with
the presentation of dollar. rarely
surprises his wash woman In that way.
A MAN in Iowa has been arrested for
assaulting his own wife, and he was
found guilty, even theSgh it was
shown that he OIL V stuffed her mouth
full of putty when he wanted TO 20 TO
sleep. Do men have no rights at all.
A NORFOLK man has invented a gas
meter with price indicator attached,
which shows In dollars and cents the
amount due for gas. GA good idea but
a meter with a gas bill-payer sttached
would find more ready SALE"
LORD Brougham, once when he was
In tacetiOus mood, being asked IN de-
Kne a lawyer, said: GA lawyer is
learned gentleman who rescues your
estate from your enemies and keeps it
himself"
T'M sfloat - screamed young lady
OF powerful lungs, and fingers to
match, as she exercised both at the
piano. Il should think you were,"
growled an old bachelor, Judging
from the squall you raise"
TIE late DR.. Bethune asked morOse
and mlserly man how he was getting
along. The man replied; "WhaJ busi-
Hess is that OF yours ~ Said the doctor:
so, sir, | am one of thoIe who take an
interest even in the meauest of Gods
creatures"
NEVER put particle Of soap about
young silverware, says the propr ietor
of an old silver establishment, il you
would have it retain itsoriginal lustre.
When it wants polish take piece OF
soft leather and whiting and rub hard.
''I THINK, dear, the dew has COM
menced falling" he said,in his softest
accents. YES" she yawned, I've
been hoping to hear a-dieu for some
time" He did not call the next even
ing.
"Mr umbrella is getting decid edly
shabby" said young man bout
town, one evening recently. II be-
lieve L will have to strike another
prayer meeting tho first rainy night"
IN Nashoe q man was tried for steal
ing milk at night from another mans
COW. The jury found it an aggravated
offence, and rendered a verd let
Guilty of milking the COW In the first
degree"
A POLITICAL economist remarks tina {
it is singular how confidence men can
so easily obtain money under false pre-
tences when poor man can hardly,
obtain it under any pretence whatever.
QUITE a number OF militia companies
are preparing to camp ont next Sum-
mer. Poor fellows! When the mos
quitoes attack them they'll realize how
it feels to bleed for one 3 country.
A lady said TO Us the other day,
"Dobbins' Electric Soap, (made by
Cragin & Co., Philade.p phia, Pa.,) has
saved my life. 1t has SO lessened my
labors when / have been worn out"
Try it once.
IT is maintained that the most In
spring natural sight which glaier
can contemplate is the CLEAN OF early