The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-01-08

PASSING SMILES.
HALF fare-a mulatto.

a sculptor is very slight. The one curls
up and dyes, the other makes faces and
busts.
CART must anchor in nature" said
fashionable belle when she slipped and
sat down In mud hole and stuck there.
-Steubenviile Herald.
The New. York Express throws up its
hat and shouts "Ouray for the Indians"
Come, young man, you ought to be . lit
rle Meeker.-Rockland Courier =
"GoING!" "'rhis," said an auctioneer,
holding up we'll known volume, els a
book by poor and pious girl of poor
and pioqs poems"
DIaBY, will you take some of that
butterT "Ihank you, ma'am; | be-
long to the temperance society-can't
take anything strong" replied Digby.
GRANT made the greatest effort of his
life at Pittsburg. He, said: :" am
pretty good on the smoke myself, but
Pittsburg beats me."- Wheeling Leader.
Iris very difficult to find fault with
dear little three-year-old who buries
his head under the clothes and sings:
"Now I lay me down to sleep. Pop
goes the weasel sr sa.
'Tis no more fatal, alas.
~4 For man to carelessly blow in the gun,
Than tits to blow out the gas.
The betrayed dollar is one that finds
itself not able 20 pass for more than
ninety cents after it has been stamped
"In God we trust. ."-NeW Orleans
Picdyatne s8o
;sTH1s 8 hard, cruelty hard world"
writes cynic. Yes, it is, it is; and of
an icy morning one never knows how
soon he'll lose his footing and come
down on it.
"PREss me close" said Kate last eve.
IT'S bliss to suffocate'-
Quoth George; 9 Ny pet. if you'd jus.sleeve,
With thee I'll suffer, Kate"
The latest Yankee discovery is
spring in Michigan so strongly magnetic
that man who drank from it and went
into blacksmith's shop found the an
vii on which he sat stuck fast to him,
and had to have it amputated.
"GET out of this" shouted an irri-
tated merchant to mendacious clerk,
@ this is the third lie 1 have caught YOU
in since ten o'clock this morning. F" "Oh,
well" said the new man, don't be hard
on me. Give fellow time to learn the
rules of the house"
A GREAT many boys and girls fall
desperately in love with each other,
and rave over disappointed hopes, be-
| fore they are old enough to tell the
difference between the heartache and
the collie Very few such cases prove
| Enthusiastically Herald.
A DANBURY man sent boy with
bill for seven dollars, to be collected
The boy got the money and came back.
The man gave him ten cents saying,
"Here's for your trouble" The boy
took the coin and asked, " Amt you
going to give me something for my
honesty. ."-Danbury Neacs.
MRS. SILLIBUs hearing some one talk
ing of " shooting the Lachine rapids"
said angrily, It's country to law, and
people ought to he sent tn plenipoten-
tiary aor lie for shootiug rabbits at this
season of the year. We want Mr. Ice
Berg to invent crudity to animals. p
Wheeling Sunday Leader
HERE is little domes' 'ic-economy
comedy from England: Clergyman
8. So hear you've got married again,
Jacobs" Jacobs" Yes, sur !; I thought
as how winter was coming on, and
Betty, she'd got one blanket, and | got
tother, we might as we'll make it pair
and be more comfortable like"
PROSPERITY, as the world goes, is like
bar of hot iron. \ great many grab
the thing, and some people finds it too
heavy to hold without splitting on their
hands.-Osacego Record. We prefer to
souse the iron as sure means to secure
the prosperity, of our hngers-Erratic
Enrique Be sure to select pig iron if
you wish to make the souse success.
AN exchange makes mention of the
fact as something unusual that an ed
itor is a wood carver. All editors are so
when they sharpen their lead pencils,
and they are more so when their wives
send them out to split the kindling in
the grim grey of the early morning.
Give US something surprising: say the
editor never told lie.--Steubenuiuc
Herald.
A YOUNG lady was sitting with gal
liant captain in charmingly decorated
recess On her knee was diminutive
niece. In the adjoining room, with door
open, were the rest of the company.
Said the little niece, in jealous and
very audible voice, "Auntie, kiss me,
too" Evidently something had just
happened. "You should say twice,
Ethel, dear; two is not grammar" was
the immediate rejoinder.
A FRENCH editor has invented new
kind of barometer. 1t is a general In
gingerbread, which he buys every year
at certain fair On returning home
he nails his acquisition TO the wall.
Every one knows the influence of the
temperature on gingerbread; the least
dampness softens it. Dry weather, on
the contrary, drys it up and hardens it.
All that this gentleman has to do every
morning is to ask his servant what the
general says. The faithful domestic
. goes and puts his thumb on the figure,
and answers either, "The general is
soft to-day; you will please take your
umbrella;" or, "The military man is
firm; you can put on your new hat"
AT an entertainment in Texas where
there was q large company present at
! the mansion, somebody, who was slow OF
speech, from Nacogdoches, urged Gov.
Houston to visit that place, saying
You ought to come to Nacogdoches,
Governor. That's the first place in
Texas you made your home. You have
hosts of friends there-Governor. You
really owe us-a visit. Why, Governor,
you have great many children n
ogdoches-named after you Old
Sam, who had Strengthened up wonder
fully toward the termination of the re-
, marks, said: MY friend, put your
words just little closer together--ii
you please"
A Bad Year for Champagne.