The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1880-11-04
Our Sexton.

| w
sexton, Mr.. Graves, that he should be
obliged to discharge him from his posi-
ton in the church, Graves very natural
ly wanted to know why, and the dea-
con undertook to explain to him the res
son.
ON the first place, Graves, the minis
ter complains that Won so to sleep right
in front of him now and then, on Sun
day, and that when you put your head
back on the pew you let your lower jaw
fall. AS your upper set of teeth is too
loose, it drops and clenches on the lower
set, so that the minister can see clear
down your throat, across the top of your
upper plate pretty nearly to your ribs.
1t is most unpleasant spectacle and it
disconcerts him."
"Well, I can get new set, can't ] g
asked GraFes.
"But that is not all. The congrega-
ton complain Of your boots, Graves.
They say that when you walk up the
aisle they creak as if somebody was filing
saw. They believe you must have
had those boots constructed TO get wild
unearthly shricks ont Of them
"Well, l can VI. about after this in
my bare feet, cant 2 'j-
eyes, but Graves, they are not salts
fed with the way you blow the organ.
Last Sunday you got excited ~ enthusi-
asm Or something daring the last hymn,
and YOU burst fifteen holes in the bel
lows, and while you kept the handle 60
ing up and down with frightful violence
yelled out, Down with her, boys! Jam
her down Lively now Give 1t to her
Whoop her up etc. And it seemed
70 some of the folks that such express
sions were rather unsuited to the sane
tuary.
"Well, but l am a member Of the fire
company; and | can't control my feelings
when I get excited. /"
"True But such an excuse will
hardly avail for your conduct on Thanks
giving day, when Barclays rooster got
into the church. Some OF US thought
you did wrong in throwing eight hymn
books at the fowl in the first place, and
we were scandalized when, finally you
knocked down eleven feet OF stove pipe
with DIR. Johnson's cane. But we could
have borne with this, ha.a YOU not, on
picking up the pipe and finding it hot,
exclaimed right out in church. I'M
mortal Moses : or words to that effect,
and then tilted It so that a gallon of hot
SCOT fell upon Mrs. Blinkes best bon
net. There was want OF dignity about
the entire proceeding that made US all
feel Inundated
What could man say who Lad bold
of hot stoyepipe r
That is not relevant question. But
why did you 60 W in the choir Christ
mas and after hiring a boy to blow the
organ, undertake to accompany the
opening anthem on the bones T.
"They rattle them at the m;nstrels,
don't they, when they sing e
But finally, Graves, we shall dis
miss you because Of ynur scandaious
treatment Of Sparks baby On Sunday
week. You knew there was strong
head of water from the pipe that runs
up through the baptismal font, and
YET, as soon as the minister helped the
baby over the font, you turned on the
full head, so that in minute there was
a fountain nine fee: high playing vigor-
ously, with Sparks baby on the top of
it, bobbing about and rollin : over, and
turning sumersauts as the wafer pitched
II over and over in the air. Graves,
this was disgraceful. | don't wonder
Sparks was mad, and am not surprised
that the baby screamed like fog whis-
tie when it came down and was caught
on the fly by Mrs. .MeGregor. These
things, Graves, detract entirely too
much from the solemnity of public wor-
ship, and SO we'll have to let YOU CO."
And Graves surrendered the position.
1t panied him especially TO do so be-
cause he had just bought paper OF can
non torpedoes, which he thou: ht would
be good to throw during service at bad
boys in the gallery. Adeler.
Professor Silvestri. OF the Observa-