Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1880-04-21
Befuddled Humerists.

meeting with his brother humorist, Arte
mus Ward. / had never seen him before
He brought letters of introduction from
mutual friends in San Francisco, and b,
invitation breakfasted with him. 1t wa
almost religion, there In the silver mines
10 precede such q meal with whisky cock
tails AItemus, with the true cOsmopoli
tan instinct, always deferred to the Gus
toms Of the country he was in, and so h
ordered three of these denominations
Kingston was present. am match fo
nearly every beverage you can mention ex
cept a whisky cocktail, and therefore
sai, it would go right to my head ard con
fuse me, so that would be in helples
tangle in ten minutes; did not want TO &C
a lunaiic before strangers, but Artemui
gently insisted, and drank the treasOna
Bile mixture under protest, and felt all th,
time that l was doing thing that might
be sorry for. In a minute or two l begar
10 imagine that my ideas were clouded.
waited in great anxiety for the converse
ton 10 open, with sort of vague hope thai
nv understanding would prove clear,
after all, and nv misgivings groundless.
Artemus dropped an unimportant re,
mark or two and then assumed look oi
superhuman earnestness and made the fol
| lowing astounding speech. lie said:
NOW, there is one thing i ought 10 ask
YOU about before l forget it. You have
been here il Silverland-hcre in Nevada
two or three years, and of course, yOur
position on the daily press has made it nee
essary for YOU to go down in the mines and
examine them carefully in detail. Now.
what want to get at isis, well, the way
deposits are made, you know. For in
stance: Now, as understand it, the vein
which contains the silver is sandwiched in
between castings of granite, and runs along
the ground, and sticks up like curbstone.
well. take vein forty feet thick, for
example, or eighty for that matter, or even
one hundred; say you 90 down on it with a
shaft, straight down. you know, or with
what YOU call the 'inclines, maybe you 90
down five hundred feet or maybe you don I
90 down but two hundred; anyway you go
down, and all the time this vein grows mar
newer when the castings come nearer or ap-
proach each other, you may say, that is,
when they do approach, which of course
they do not always do, particularly in cases
where the nature of the formation is such
that they stand apart wider than they
otherwise would, and which geology has
failed TO account for, although everything
m that science goes to prove that, all things
being equal, il would if it did not or would
no; certainly if it did, and then of course
they are. Do not you think it is.'
81 said to myself, ..Now, just know
how il would be. That cussed whisky
coktail has done the business for me.
don't understand any more than a clam. "
And then | SAID aloud, ''l-l-that is-if
YOU don't mind, would you-would you
say that over againi l ought"
"Oh, certainly, certainly. You see l
am very unfamiliar with the subject, and,
perhaps, don't present my case clearly,
but
'.No, no-no, no you state II plain
enough, but the vile cocktail has muddled
me little. But / will-no, l do not un-
derstand, for that matter, but | would get
the hang of it all the better if you went
over it again, and III pay better attention
this time.
He said, "Why, what was after was
this Here he became even more fear
fully impressive than ever and emphasized
each particular point by checking it off on
his finger ends. ''This vein or lode, or
ledge, or whatever you may call, runs along
between two layers Of granite, just the
same as If il were a sandwich. Very well.
Now, suppose you go down on that say
], 900 feet. or maybe 1900 (it don't really
diff opd fhara
start your drifts, some Of them across the
ledge and others along the length of it,
where the sulphurets-I believe they call
them sulphuretes, though why they should,
considering that so far as | can see, the
main dependence of q miner does not so
lie, as some suppose, but in which il can
not lie successfully maintained wherein the
same should not continue, while part and
parcel of the same ore not committed to
either IN the sense referred to, whereas,
under different circumstances, the most in
experienced among US could not detect If ii
were, or might overlook ii If it did, or
scorn the very idea Of such thing, even
though il were Palpably demonstrated as
such. Am l not rigilti'
l SAID sorrowfully: Il feel ashamed OF
myself, Mr.. Ward | know | ought to
understand you perfectly well, but you see
that internal whisky cocktail has got into
my head, and now | cannot understand
even the simplest proposition. | told you
how it would be-"
''Oh, don't mind It, don't mind il; the
fault was my own, no doubt though / did
think it clear enough for"
"Don't say word. Clear! Why you
stated it as clear as the sun TO anybody but
an abject idiot, but it's that confounded
cocktail that has played the mischief"
''No, now don't say that. III begin it
all over again, and"
Don't now; for goodness sake, don't do
anything of the kind, because tell you nv
head Is in such a condition that | don't be-
lieve / could understand the most trifiing
question man could ask me-"
'tNow don't you be afraid. III put it
so plain this time that you cant help get
the hang of it. We will begin at the very
beginning" Leaning far across the table
with determined impressiveness wrought
upon his every feature, and fingers pre-
pared to keep tally of each point as emu
merated; aud i, leaning forward with pain
tul interest, resolved to comprehend or per-
lsh You know the vein-the ledge-the
thing that contains the metal, whereby il
constitutes the medium between all other
forces, whether of present or remote agen-
cies, so brought 10 bear in favor of the
former, or all, or both, or compromising
as possible the relative differences existing
within the radius whence eliminate the
several degrees of.similarity to which
! said: ''Oh blame my wooden head, II
amt any use, 1t amt any use to try! /
can't understand anything. The palmer
you get il the more can't get the hang of
it,
/ heard a suspicious noise behind me,
and turned in time to see Kingston dodging
behind newspaper and quaking with
gentle ecstacy of laughter. l look at
Ward again, and he had thrown off his
sole.nnity and was laughing also. Then /
saw that had been sold-that had been
made the victim of swindle in the way
of a string Of plausibly worded sentences
that didn't mean anything under the sun.
Artemus Ward was one of the best fellows
ba enH nna ~ tba ,,a.,s, on,,,.a,,