The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1880-11-02
HUMOROUS.

HUMOROUS.
WELL, Hannah isn't it nice to be
screened up In good shape ?" remarked
Mr.. Smiley, as he drew up his chair to
the breakfast table, eve get plenty Of
little and cheerfulness on files. Just
think Hannah, mo fiji declare there's
one little cuss Of a ~ on the sugxr
bowl; but never mind; what's one
ny! Hello, there's another angel Of
dsstruo,ion o. dipping his wings in the
milk, and there's one wadinG in the
butter, and here's two more trying to
pass themselves off for blueberries in
this pie. Hannah! You are to blame
for this. Here are one, two, three.
1our, hve, six, seyen-yes, Hannah,
presume there are nigh onto hundred
hies right here in this room. What is
the use Of screens, Mrs. Smiley? 1 will
take 'em out and sell 'em for old junk,
anu let the flies have free course here
and spoil everything, yes I WILL" And
as ne brandished the carving knife in
the air fly tickled his nose In high
glee at the prospect for his brothers on
the outside.
con, mamma2" said little girl,
running into the house, "wh,le we
girls were skipping out on the pave
ment nice man came up and gave US
some candy and told US to keep right
on as hard as ever we could, and he
said that If any Of US would skip seven
hundred and fifty times he would give
her parents nice, pretty rosewood box,
all lined with white satin, with glass
cover and silver handles and the little
girls name on silver plate. SO Pm
going to try and get it for you, mamma;
and he said when any little girl had
skipped seven hundred and fifty times
for her papa to call round to his office
and let him know. Goodbye, mamma"
Mercy on me, child, come back"
The undertaken has gone to the coun-
try.
WHEN the indulgent mother calleth
her son she gently aud in high soprano
notes screameth, "Charli-e-el Char
li-e.e!" But Charles cometh not nor
doth he give the sound a tn ought, but
goeth about the business Of his play.
But when his sire, enraged at tho dila-
tory motions Of his offspring, calleth
quickly and sharply, "Char es Fred
ertck !" Charles Frederick hustleth
homeward with alacrlty. merely stop
ping by the way to insert the cover Of
his best spelling book where it will do
the most good.
COUSIN Emily cwhose young man
man sits opposite in dreamy contem-
plation Of his inamorata): "Do you
like your doll, Bertha2" Bertha: "Es,
tuzzen Emily; / love it veal lots, all
but one ting." Cousin Emily: "Why,
what Is that, Bertha?' Bertha :
Emily, she isn't a truely lady, 90 know
cause her toofins wont come out all in
bunch, like oours do 90 know"
Which was more than Emily's young
man ever dreamed Of.
SAYS tho master Of the house to his
servant as he prepares to lock himself
up In his study and work, "I am not
In ifany ono calls--mind A quarter
OF al hour later he rings tho bell. No
answer. He rings it again. Still no
anwer. He opens the door furiously,
and cries to the servant in the ante
chamber, ,"Didn't you hear me ring,
you idlotf" eyes, sir; but you had
told me you weren't in, and 1 couldn't
think of taking bell's word before
yours, BIT.
"Ip paid this BILL" said the patient
debtor, "you would lose your occupa-
ton; you wouldn't have anything to
do" ooh, yes," said tho creditor, 81
would lio down and rest while | had
my boots re-soled." Then the patient
debtor paid it. With u note, we think !;
we can tell In a minute, Just walt till
We look Yes, 1t was q note.
How time changes In the good Old
Testament days 1t was considered a
miracle for an ass 10 speak, and now
nothing short Of a miracle will keep
one quiet.
PATTI, the singer, superintendcd the
carpenter work Of her now home In
Wales, and as a consequence she has a
lawsuit with the carpenter. We sus-
pect he refused to put moro than ten
closets In each room.
WE don't suppose there is a word of
truth In the rumor that the King and
Queen OF Spain arc 80 mad at their new
baby because 1t Is not boy that they
"won't speak to It," 1t doesn't seem
natural. Tho infant couldn't help it.
a SCHOOIMARM who whipped tho
wrong boy by mistake apologized to
tho irate parents by explaining that 1t
was an accident caused by a misplaced
switch.
"FRuIT Is very high this year." said
tho tramp wistfully, as he passed the
ten-foot wall Of garden.
TANNERS fast Is not original. The
old gentleman Noah lived forty days
on water.
AN umbrella and dime novel are
the usual baggage whioh the girl Of
tho period takes with her to camp
meeting.
No Cure No Ray.
DIR. Picrcc's Family Medicines are
guaranteed to cure, for particulars SOC
wrappers and pamphlets. They are
feliable, have not sprung into popular
ity IN week or month and gone out of
favor us rapidly, but being sustained by
merit, have won world wide reputa-
tAH