Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1880-09-03
LAUGH RAISERS.

There are three feet in yard This
does not apply to schoolhouse yor at
recess.
Little Johnny: Mamma, can I give
Carlo this lump of sugar?n mo, my
child, it spoils the teeth; eat it your
SELF
A man in Maine tasted ~ days and
died. His tombstone bears the touching
inscription: "He was a man of great
forty-two'd." :"
Why is a cows tail like the letter Fe
Because it's the end of beef. Why is an
egg like a colt? Because it is not fit for
use until it is broken.
A Cincinnati child tied Grape to the
door-knob to see if the carriages would
come to take them out riding, as they
did the family across the street.
Very concise verdict that of coroner's
jury in Idaho, and racy of the soil:
"We find that the deceased came to his
deathb calling Tom Watlings liar"
In barber-shop Barber-''De Span
iards has been firm into anudder one of
our ships" Victim-''Did they sink itp"
"No, sah!" "Then I suppose it does no
good to wish you were on boardP"
There are many unpleasant things in
this vale of tears, but a collar with a
button-hole large enough to stick your
head through will cause you about as
much trouble as the rest of them.
At social reunion, few evenings
ago the question was asked, ''Of what
sort Of fruit does quarrelsome man and
wife remind you?n The young lady who
promptly answered GA prickly pair" got
the medal.
A man who was suffering from boil
on his face pettishly exclaimed, Il wish
l knew the best place to have boil"
to which his little girl responded, "Why,
papa, the tea-kettle is the best place for
q boil"
What are you holding your hands
over the stove in that way fors The
weather isn't cold," said father to his
son; who answered: 81 amt trying to
heat the weather, pa; I'm warming my
hands"
IF from your glove you take the letter
G, your glove is love, which l devote to
thee" The answer was prompt, and
was also in verse: eff from your page
you take the letter ?, your page is age,
and that won't do for me-"
'Ma'am tits an awful thing play to read"
A nervous author to an actress said;
''What can be worse?" "Nothing, dear sir,
indeed,
But to be forced to sit and hear it read"
A lecturer was explaining to little girl
how lobster cast his shell when he had
outgrown it. Said he: "What do you
dowhen you have outgrown your clothess
You cast them aside do you notP" "Oh,
no." replied the little one, 1--WE let out
the tucks."
Awit, speaking of an unpopular author,
said he was color-blind. 'How SOP
What proof have you got of it?" asked
friend. "He always thinks his liter
ary productions are read, when every
body else knows they are not" was the
reply.
A young and beautiful Philadelphia
maiden was rapidly sinking with the
lockjaw when her physician conceived
the happy thought of holding spoonful
of ice cream to her lips. The moment
he did so she opened her jaws and
shrieked, Don't give me little plate;
make it big one"
Two Vassar college girls were on their
way home over the Albany and Susque-
hanna railroad the other day, MARY
landm yelled the brakeman, as the train
pulled up at station. "What did he
sayP" asked one of the girls. Marry
land, replied the other. 'Oh, let's get
outn exclaimed the first with sudden in
terest But they were too late; the train
had started.
A seedy-looking customer who was
drinking glass of beer in a saloon, and
glancing from the man behind the bar
to the open door as he slipped, suddenly
asked: HAS this saloon any particular
mottoP" II guess not" was the reply.
"Most every such place always has a
motto Of some sort" "Yes, pellet so;
but | haf no need of one. All der pub
lick understands dot if dey doan' bay for
What dey drinks pokes DER headt NIT
Club, und dot answers shust as we'll"
The seedy drinker paid for his, and it
took his last cent to do it.