Litchfield enquirer., 1880-03-18
CLIPPINGS.

Sweet are the uses of university" said girl when Senior asked her to go to con- cert.
 The inventor of the Keely moter is busy al- tering it over into the game of fifteen.
 The latest London fog: First pedestrian ''Is your lantern out ?" Second pedestrian "Don't know. Pll feel"
 Misery loves company. This explains why men who can't support themselves occasional ly become husbands and fathers.
 We suggest that everybody drop the discus sion of the gem puzzle, and try to find out why bass viol players are always fat.
 Kearney claims that there is plot on foot to assassinate him. The news is too good to be-that is the report is not believed.
 Put away his crack brain puzzle,
 He has climbed the asylum stair;
 Numbers 13, 15, IA,
 Turned his head and sent him there.
 The Kansas City Times tells the story of western man who walked twenty miles, cx- pecting to hear Queen Victoria sing in her Majestys opera troupe. ..--.---.--- A lecturer was explaining to little girl how lobster cast his shell when he had outgfown it. Said he, "What do you do when you have outgrown your clothes? You cast them aside, do you not ?"~"Oh, no," replied the little one, 2 i've let out the tucks.' zs
 A Pittsburg man recently made two unsuc- cessful attempts to hang himself. The Oil City Derrick thinks that he must at some time have been sheriff. Y
 It is astonishing how full four women can fill church pew made to accommodate six, when some woman they don't like comes along down the aisle looking inquiringly for place-to sit down.
 A living skeleton applied at drug store, re- gently. for situation as prescription clerk. "What do you know about drugs ?" asked the proprietor. "Everything, sir; everything; l was juror in the Hayden case" He got the position at large salary.
 "Yon gorgeously attired dame is the Ouch ess of what?" asked Yankee speculator at @ royal reception at Buckingham Palace. "She hisn't Duchess hat all," said the gold stick in waiting ''but 'ear as low she be the wife of han Hamerican plumber"
 While sightseeing in the upper part of Man hattan Island, Wednesday, M. de Lesseps mo- ticed the costly drains building in quarters where no houses were and where none would be apparently for years to come. "They are intended, suppose, to drain your city exche- quer," he remarked.
 A Vermont woman went in store and ask ed for "Cook-boo and they gave-hera volume of Joseph's lectures, and after she had got up dinner by it they found it necessary to call four doctors to get the family through the night and rival sextons roasted on the fence for two days prepared for emergencies
 .'How much are these goods yard ?" said gentleman in dry goods store the other day, as he picked up and examined piece of rutfled silk ''Good gracious !" cried the hor- rifed clerk, ''that isn't for sale! That's the end of lady's train! She's just gone up to the third story in the elevator" -.t
 My dear Mrs Jones. won't you subscribe little money for the relief fund of foreign suf- ferers."
 My dear Mrs. Smith, I just sent all my spare change to a poor family on Seneca street, who haven't anything in the house to eat"
 "You don't say so? Why don't they go to the poor house T'
 An old woman of the name of Gordon in the north of Scotland, was listening to the ac- count given in the Scriptures of SolOmons glory, which was read to her by little female grandchild. When the girl came to tell of the thousand camels which formed part of the Jewish sovereign's live stock, "Eh, lassie," cried the old woman, "a thousand Campbells, say ye P? The Campbells are an auld clan sure enough, but look and ye dinna see the Gordons tool'
 FALL POETRY.
 A certain young woman named Hannah,
 Slipped down on piece of banana;
 She shrieked and oh, my'd!
 And more stars she sped
 Than belong to the -spangled banner.
 A gentleman sprang to assist her, '~
 And picked up her huff and her wrister
 "Did you fall, ma am ?" he cried:
 "Do you think" she replied,
 'l sat down for the fun of it, Mister?"
 The Schenectady Star tells of boy who was born on the cars, at the rate of thirty miles an hour" It must have bothered his mother to keep up with him.
 The affable Montftzburg-"Will you be kind enough to give me your name, P" Wis itor-"My name is Jones; live in Poortown. The A. M-And IS this really the Mir. Jones dehghted am to meet you" Jones goes home feeling ten inches higher. To think that the distinguished Montftzburg should have heard of him The Affable MontftZburg to his clerk Jones' departure -'Thomas, who in thunder is that Jones, and where in time is Poortown ?" o tempora! o mores! -4 Just about midnight the other night, four men in Detroit saloon sat looking at a fifth. The fifth one was drunker than the other four. While all men were treated equal, some men get drunk twice as fast as others.
 'It will never do to send him home in this condition" said one of the four after long silence.
 "No, it would break his wifes heart added second.
 "But we can't leave him here, and if we turn him out the police will run him in, ob- served the third.
 'I have been thinking, Unused the fourth. "He has telephone in his house. Here is one here. will make it my painful duty to in- form his waiting and anxious wife that he won't be home tonight" He went to the telephone. got her cali. and began:
 "Mrs. Blank, I desire to communicate with you regarding your husband" ## E set@ "Well, go ahead." ~ E5<5 "He is down town here." ''I know that much" "In descending the stairs leading from the lodge room he fell and sprained his ankle"
 Are you sure it wasn't lis neck? ?" she asked.
 ''It is not a serious sprain, but we think it better to let him lie on the sofa in the ante- room until morning Rest assured that he will have the best of care. We are doing ev--."
 ''Sayl" broke in a sharp voice. aYoa bundle him into a wagon and drive him up here. where can keep him hidden until that drunk goes off! He won't be sober before to- morrow night!" " | 'My dear mad"
 ''Get out! If he's sleepy drunk put water on his head That's the way always do.''
 "Will you let me inform you that at--Tg :.
 ''No, sir I won't! Throw water on his head, get him into some vehicle and rattle him here, for it's most midnight now and it will take me half an hour to get his boots of and push him mp stairs Remember-pour water on his head and yell fire in his ear !"- Detroit Free Press.
 l n0NT Grr TIYr Hr1rrT