Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1880-08-12
Anmpruas department.

q "
Gas MEN LIVE So MAY MEN SPEAK OF
THEM."-A communication from Whining.
ton, Del, signed by Justice of the peace and
three constables, gave the information that
Asphaltum Syl ester, an honorary mem.
ber of the club, had been found dead in
field. As soon as the reading was finished
COL Pendulum Jones arose and began "Mis.
ser chairman, de tear leaps unbidden to my
eye at the sad information dat anoder good
man has passed from airth away. Brudder
Sylvester was man widout single fault.
He was up"-"Brudder Jones will please sot
down while furnish leetle more informa-
shun on dis subject" interrupted Brother
Gardner. "Now, den, I knew de deceased
for many long Vars. He was simply col.
ored man, same as de rest of US. He wasn't
any mo- truly good dan any odder pusson.
Fact am, he was pow'ful mean bout a great
many 6ngs, an none too good in any. He
was foun' dead in field, an jest benin him
was bag O watermelons an jest in front O
him was spring gun. OATS how he was
foun' dead in a field! OATS de trooly good
sort of man he was agree dat no man
should speak ill of de dead, but dis club am
no putin machine to kiver up dead mems
rascalities. Sich kind O. work is looked for
in Congress, an am taken fur what it's wuth.
Let it be understood, now an foreber, dat
any member of this club who gifts in front Of
a spring gun in melon patch, or drops
down in front of smoke.house doah, am not
gwine to be eulogized heah as hero who
lost bis life while tryin' to tow burnin'
steamboat ashore As men lib so may men
speak of dem"
WHY He WAS ARREsTED.--"Were you
not astonished at the discoveryf" asked one
solid citizen of another to-day on street car.
They had been discussing the defalcation of
the bookkeeper employed by one Of the speak
ers, wholesale dealer.
"Yes, indeed" was the reply. "He had
been in our employ ten years, and most of the
time in positions of trust"
"How were your suspicious aroused p ask.
ed the first citizen
"Well, we thought his habits of life rather
fast. He kept horse and buggy, smoked
the best cigars, dressed extravagantly. This
only made US uneasy but, of course, did not
warrant any steps being taken. So We en-
plOyCu d uGGGCtlVG W SllduON HIiu.
"What was the result?'
"Why, we discovered that he went to a
strawberry festival twice week. No man
on salary of 81 500 year can indulge in
that sort of luxury, you know, and of course
We had him arrested."-Rttsburg Telegraph
A PRAYER LEssoN-Deacon Smith was
a character. On one occasion of drouth he
requested DR.. Peters, the pastor, to pray for
rain. The benevolent doctor accordingly
introduced into his prayer few mild remarks
about the state of the crops, and offered sun
dry suggestions concerning the desirability
of showers. After service hesmet the dea-
con, and, noticing his taciturRfty, remarked
that he hoped the petition for rain rnight be
answered. The deacon emittsi snort OF
disgust. "But did you not hear my prayer
for a shower% mildly asked the parson The
deacon turned and grimly replied: 81
heard you mention the matter of rain, DIR.
Peters but good heavens, sir; you should
haze insisted upon it!'-Hargord Courant
A MINcING MAcH1NE.-The other night at
a London club some Americans were boasting
about their inventions and the wonderful ma
chimes to be found in the States. One of them
told Of the vel. known mincing machine,
which, a live pig being introduced at one end,
turns out the animal in sausage at the other.
An Irishman, who was not going to have the
Yankees riding rough shod over every other
nation, turned on them and said, "Bedad,
we've got the same machine in Ireland, only
ours is more perfect, sure; for if you dom.
like the sausage, you can put them back into
the machine, and by reversing the action
they'll come out live pig agin, where he
went in"
b9- A lady had in her employment young
man from the country. On certain occasions
he was Instructed to inform any company who
might ring at the door, that Mrs. - was
not at home One day John made this reply
to a lady, who shortly went away, leaving
card and promise to call again. As the
card was handed to his mistress, she said,
John, what did you say to the lady?" 81
told her that you were not at home" "Well,
John, hope you did not laugh" "Oh, no,
ma'am," said John, Il never laugh when l
tell lie"
sa- A good story is told of Connecticut
parson. His country parish raised his sala
ry from three hundred to four hundred d"l-
lars. The good man objected for three rea'
sons:
First" said he, because you can't af-
ford to give me more than three hundred.
Second, because my preaching isn't worth
more than that.
''rhird, because / have to collect my sal.
ary, which, heretofore, has been the hardest
part of my labors among you. If have to
collect an additional hundred, it will kill me-"
SdH Old Uncle Nose can be the most SOL
emn old darkey on Galveston Island when
there is occasion for it. Yesterday he caught
little milk. land. .molasses colored imp toddling
out of his garden with his biggest watermel.
on. Gravely, relieving the "light.complect-
ed child of his burden, the old man, with
face longer than his arm, said to the weeping
boy: "Tain't your fault. sonny; if your
mudder don't know muffin bout one Of de ten
commandments, she amt much liable to teach
you de rest of en-"
p9- 1t is we'll to look at all sides of a SUBJ
ject before you indulge in an opinion. Cur
ran once said to Father Leary: 81 wish, Rev
erend Father, that you were st. Peter and
had the keys of Heaven, because then you
could let me in" The shrewd and witty priest
saw the sarcasm, and turned its sharp edge
on the skeptic by replying: by my honor
and conscience, sir, it would be better for you
that had the key of the other place, for
then could let you out"