Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1880-06-10
WHOLE NO. 1889.
A TELEPHONE CONVERSATION.
Mark Twain's Latest.

emnest curlosities OF life. YESTERDAY
| was writing a deep article on
sublime philosophical subject Will
such conversation was going on il
the room. [ notice that one can al
ways write best when somebody i
talking through telephone close by
Well, the thing began this way.
member of our household came i,
and asked me to have our house pu
into communication with Mr.. Bag
ley's, down town. / have observed
that the sex always shrink from call
ing up the central Office themselves
don't know why, but they do. S,
L touched the bell, and this talk en-
sued -
Central Office [Grufliy.] Hello
Il: Is it the Central Office /?
G. 0. OF course it is. What do
you want?
/: VIII you switch me on to th,
Bagley's, please?
Q. o. Alright. Just keep your
ear to the telephone.
Then heard, 4. look, k.look, K FOOL
--kfcok klook Mook-look look I Lock
then a horrible "gritting" of teeth
and finally a piping female voice
Yes? Rising infection. | Did you
wish to speak TO me ?"
Without answering, l handed the
telephone to the applicant, and sal
down. Then followed that queeres,
OF all the queer things in this world
"a conversation with only one end
to 1t. You hear questions asked ;
you don't hear the answers. You
hear invitations given; you hear no
t inks in return. You have listening
pauses of dead silence, followed by
apparently irrelevant aud unjustifia.
BILE EXPLANATIONS of glad surprise. OF
sorrow, or dismay. You can't make
head or tail of the talk, because you
never hear anything that the person
at the other end of the wire saws.
Well, heard the following remarka.
BILE series of observations, all from
the one tongue, and all shouted, - for
you can't ever persuade the sex to
speak gently into telephone -
Yes? Why, how did that happen?
Pause.
What did you say?
Pause.
Oh, no, | don't think it was.
Pause.
No Oh, no, l did MT mean that.
l meant, put it in while it is still
bolling,-or just before it comes to a
boil.
Pause.
WHAT?
Pause.
/ turned it over with a back stitch
on the sewage edge.
Pause.
Yes, | like that way, too but 1
think it's better to haste it on with
Valenciennes or bombazine, or some.
thing of that sort. 1t gives it such
an air,-and attracts so much notice.
Pause.
It's forty ninth Deuteronomy, six.
ty'fourth to ninety-seventh inclusive.
| think we ought all to read it often.
Pause.
Perhaps so; | generally csc a
hair.pin.
Pause.
What did you say? aside Chi.
dren, do be quiet
Pause.
Oh ! B fiat! Dear me, l thought
you said it was the cat!
Pause.
Since tChen ?
Pause.
Why, never heard of it.
Pause.
You astound me! 1t seems utter
ly impossible
Pause.
Who did ?
Pause.
Good ness gracious!
Pause.
Well, what is this world coming to?
Was it right in church /?
Pause.
And was her mother there?
Pause.
Why, Mrs. Bagley, should have
died of humiliation What did they
do?
Long pause.
can't be perfectly sure, because |
haven't the notes by me; but / think
it goes something like this: te-rolly.
loll-loll, loll lolly-ioll.loIl, o folly loll.
loll.lee-ly.H.i-do! And then repeal,
you know.
Pause.
Yes, / think it is very sweet,-and
very solemn and impressive, il You
get the andantino and the pianissimo
right.
Pause.
Oh, gum-drops, gum-drops! Blu,
| never allow them to eat striped
candy. And of course they can't, till
they get their teeth, any way.
Pause.
What ?
Pause.
Oh, not in the least go right on
Hes here writing,-it doesn't bother
him.
Pause.
Very well, Til come if l can.
[ ASIDE Dear me, how it does tire
persons arm to hold this thing up
so long! l wish she'd
Pause.
Oh, no, not at all love to talk,
but I'm afraid I'm keeping you from
your affairs.
Pause.
Visitors?
Pause.
No, we never use butter on them
Pause.
Yes, that is very good way; Blu,
all the cook books say they are very
unhealthy when they are out of sea.
SON. And he doesn't like them, any
way,-especislly canned.
Pause.
Oh, / think that is too high for
them; we have never paid over fifty
cents a bunch.
Pause.
Must you go? Well, Good-by.
Pause.
Yes, l think so Good-by.
Pausa