The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1880-01-08
PRIVATE sECRETAKIEs.
Mark Twain Sits Down ON a
Washington Upstart who I'm.
dertOOk to Instruct Him.

PRIVATE, sECKETAKIES.
Washington Upstart who Un.
dertO0k to Instruct Him.
Washington Special Telegram.
Mark Twain's latest production is {
etter giving his opinion of private
secretaries, in which he sits down
rather hard upon Mr.. Kirby, private
secretary to Postmaster General Key
The letter has caused u great deal oI
amusement among Mr.. Kirby's asso-
ciates in the postoffice, and that gen.
tleman feels very much torn up in
consequence, and probably will not be
anxious to tackle the subject again, at
least not for some time. Some days
ago Mr.. Kirby took occasion to write q
letter to Mr.. Clemens, in which he had
the temerity to criticise some COM
ments made by the gentleman upon a
recent order of the postoffice depart
ment. Mr.. Kirby felicitously inclosed
tract issued by the postoffice depart
ment, saying that I" it was to meet just
such hardened cases as yours; and
also send you copy of the postal laws,
and hope you will take the trouble to
look Into the matter thoroughly" 1t
seems by the letter received in reply
that Mr.. Clemens did look into the
matter thoroughly, and Mr.. Kirby
thinks now that he made
TOosEARCHING STUDY
of it. Among other things in this let
ter, Mr.. Clemens says:
"My callow friend, when you will
have outgrown the efervesence of
youth, and acquired bit of worldly
expert ence, you will cease to make
mistakes like that. That is, you will
recognize the simple wisdom of mind
ing your own business. You seem to
think you have been called to account.
This is great error. 1t is the post
office department Of the United States
that has been called into account.
There is vast difference here which
you seem to have overlooked. I will
point it out. You are not the post
Office department, but only an expen-
sive and unnecessary appendage to it.
Grave elderly public instructors like
me do not call private secretaries to
account. The mistake you have made
Is simple; you imagined yourself the
dog, whereas you are only the tail.
You endeavored to wag the dog. This
was injudicious. You should have
hung quiescent until the dog wagged
You. You seemed to have gathered
the impression, somehow, that you are
a member of the cabinet. That is all
error. Your chief is one of the guns
of that battery you are not. You are
not gun, or load, or even ramrod
neither do you supply ammunition /;
you only serve as stick to fire it off |
You are not barrel of moiasses, but |
only the faucet through which the |
molasses is discharged. You are not
a boot, but boot-jack. Do you per-
ceive? The thing sm trying to con-
vey to you is that it does not become
you to assume functions that do not |
belong to you. The newspaper slip
which you enclosed to me I will re-
turn by one of my private secretaries.
keep eleven of these things, not for
use, but for display.
THE POINT PLAINLY PUT.
Speaking of the envelope in which
Mr.. Kirby's letter was enclosed, Mark
says:
You, an unofficial private citizen,
have written me an entirely personal
letter enclosed in an envelope bearing
upon it's surface in plain print the
GA penalty of $500 is fixed
BY law for using this envelope for
other than official business" The SER
wants of the government ought to be,
for decency's sake, among the last to
break its laws. You have committed
an offense with no elements of joke
about it, and if your superior does his
duty he will impose the penalty in
yolved. As far as am concerned you
are safe, but if you intrude upon me
again may be tempted to bring you
before the courts for violation of law.
There, now, receive my blessing. Go,
and do not mix in other peoples busi-
ness any more; otherwise you may
pick up somebody who will feed you
words instead of sugar."
MARK TWAIN, etc.