The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1880-01-27
HUMOROUS.

SWEARING FOR A DOLLAR.-A farmer
named johnson was on trial before a
Detroit Justice the other day for as
sauit ana battery, and when the prose-
cutlon had finished he put little old
man about sixty five on the stand as
his witness. Tho lawyer began:
what Is your name?"
"lf you'll tell me your name Pll tell
you minen' was the prompt answer.
where do you rc.idc?"
IL won't answer no such foolish
question I've paid taxes in this county
1or htty years, and WON'T be talked to
rs If l was child 70
"Well, Mr.. Blank, you saw this diff
Guilty, Gid yOu?"
"lf hadn't seen it would be here ?
DO you 'spose | want to be arrested for
forgery?" GLOW did it begin 90
"lloW does anything begin !" snap
ped the old man.
"Well, now, will you tell the iurv All
about it?"
mo, sir, I won'tl If the jury want
to know anything about it they must
ask me-"
You must answer the questions"
remarked his Honor.
~ Will ii | want to, but they haven't
asked any questions yet"
"Did the plaintiff and defendant have
any hard words?" asked tho lawyer.
~ 'sposc they did, but 1 wouldn't
swear to it,"
DID either one call the other liar ?"
~ 'spose they did, and that's what
Drung on the fuss. Pm over sixty, but
II any man calls me liar Pm going to
knock his burned head OFF,"
"Well, when the plaintiff called the
defendant liar, what was the result ="
"Why, how do know ?"
"Dldn't you sec q blow struck? ?"
NOT there, but next day after this
iuss L saw the purtiest fight in the
world! One of the Jones boys was-.n
Did you sec any part Of this fuss 2"
mo! How could | when l was three
miles away; you ought to know better
than to ask such foolish questions -
"How did you hear of this difficulty %
"Mr. johnson told me-"
THAT Will do-you can go.''
But | agreed to come here for dol
lar and swear, and Pm going to do it!
You needn't think you can doze-bull
me around because 'I'm old -
a constable had to haul him out of
the box and put HIM out doors, but he
wouiun't go away until he had put his
mead into the window and said:
eff you think Pm scarf come out
here and put chip OH your shoulder -
so GLAD.-You were in the war, then
Captain McKillcn ?''
"Oh, yes, ma'am, yes, ma am; fought
all through it.''
"ls there not" she said, hesitatingly.
"a great deal of danger IN Il battle 30
"cll, yes, yes" the Captain replied
rehcctlvely, there is, there is. So
many men standing around you, you
G 40 olAo ln,, ~
arms, as is almost sure to occur during
battle, makes it really unsafe"
Miss Lollipop Shuddcred, and then
resumed:
Are not some people severely in
jurcd at times?'
EYES," the Captain said, "they are.
! once had friendwh was hurt so
badly that he couldn't leave his room
for several days"
And then she said she thought there
ought to be law against them, and he
said he believed tho Legislature of
Iowa contemplated passing such law at
its next session.
And she said that she was so glad.
'Now, Mr.. Robinson," said a fair
young city visitor to tho klnd-heartcI
farmer, "won't you show us your
watermelon orchard!' 20 ~ haven't Il
watermelon tree in the place this year
ma am, they were all winter killed., -
ana his qucstioncr wondered why he
smiled so pleasantly as he answered.
LORD Cockburn was Seated one day
on the hillside of Bonally with
Scotch shepherd, and observing the
were sheep [ would lie on the other
side Of the hill" The shepherd an
swercd: SAY, my lord, but If We had
been sheep We wad ha' had mair
sense"
AS IT SHOULD BE.--A youthful en-
thusiast, who recently took to himself
wife because he had heard that what
would keep one would keep two, and
consequently that wcdlock was as cheap
as single blcssedncss, has at last ex-
pressed his opinion. He says that he
finds wife just little dear.
In Spain tho man who shuts his ewes
and chooses wife Is supposed to get
the best one the lot. In this country
some chap with his eyes wide open
would gobblc her up while the other
follow was fooling around.
WHEN an Indiana sheriff wants to
capture hard case he has his wife
write II te to the fellow telling him
low much she adored him in secret.
lie comes skulking around to see her
and meets man with pair Of shack
les.
a PHYSICIAN has discovered yellow
fever germs in Ice. The safest way is
to boil your Ice before using it. This
kills the germs.
WHY is paper more valuable than
gold? When you put it in your pocket
you double 1t, and when you take it out
you find it still in creascs.
WHAT chasm Is that which often sep-
arates friends? Sarcasm.
Az2sax.zaa.ns.suzD
VEaErINE is now acknowledged by
our best physicians to be the only sure
and safe remedy for all diseases aris-
Ing from impure blood, such as scrof-
ula and scrofulous humors.