The weekly Union times. [volume] (Union C.H., South Carolina) 1871-1894, 1880-01-16
MARX TWAIN ON PRIVATE CLERKS.
tie Editor. Off Hartford Courant: /:

velopc had certain pecullarltieS about IT.
For instance, in iis right hand upper corner
an oval black stamp was printed, bearing
the words, United States Postal Service !"
in the upper left hand corner the following
words were printed in large, bold type, in
three separate lines-thus:
Post Office Department,
Office Of the Postmaster General.
OFFICIAL BUSINESS.
In the lower left hand corner was printed
the following words-thus:
Il pcnaly Of $500 as fncd by Iaw for using
This envetope for other than OFFICIAL
BUSINESS.
(Ilcre follows the letter Of Thomas f.
Kirby, "Private Secretary to the Postmas-
ter General" to which Mr.. Clemeus re.
plies)-
My CALLow FRIEND: When you shall
have outgrown the effcrvescenccs of youth
and acquired bit of worldly experience,
you will cease to make mistakes like that.
That is to say, you will refrain from med
dliug in matters which do not concern you;
you will recognize the simple wisdom Of
c,n6ning yourself strictly to your own
business. There are persons who would re-
sent this innocent pssee of impertineuce Of
yours, and say harsh things to you about it;
but fortunately for you, am not that sort
of person. Whatever else | may lack, |
have a good heart. Therefore, in a hu.
name and gentle spirit, will try to set you
right upon certain small points-not to hurt
you, but to do you good. You seem to
think you have been called to account
This is n grave error. 1t is the Postoflico
Department of the United STAGES of Amc-
RIGA which has been called to account
There is difference here, which you have
overlooked; will point it out. You are
not the PostoiGce Department, but only an
irresponsible, inexpensive and unnecessary
appcndagc to it. Grave, elderly men, pub
lie instructors, like me, do not call private
secretaries to account. Bear this in mind
it will be help to you. The mistake you
have made is simple-you have imagined
yourself the dog, whereas you are the tail.
You have endcavored to wag the dog this
was not judcious. You should have hung
quicsccnt until the dog waggcd you. If |
stepped on his tail-and we will grant, for
tho sake of argument, that did-it was
not to call the tails attention to anything,
but only to direct the attention of the main
hody of the animal to certain natter
You perceive it was simply in the nature
of ringing bell, that is all !; my business
was not with the bell itself, but with the
owner of it n bell is useful thing, in a
measure, but it should not keep on ringing
when one is done with it. Do make my
self partially understood? Lest there be
any doubt let me illustrate farthcr-by par
able; for the parable is the simplest and sur
est vehicle for conveying information to the
immature mind. You seem to have gathered
the impression. somehow, that you are a mem
b-r of the Cabinet This is an error. You
are only oXtlaneous matter connected with
member Of the Cabinet. Your chief is
one of tho guns of that buttcry, but you are
not. You arc not the gun or the load, or
even the ramrod; neither do you supply
the ammunition. You only do up the car
fridge and serve as a fire-stck to touch it
off. You arc not the barrel Of molasscs,
you are only the faucet through which the
molasses is discharged. You are not the
boot, but the boot jack that is t. say. you
do not furnish the idea. you only pull it off,
You are not the lightning, but only the
lightnng.rod. DO you perceive? The
thing | am trying to convey to you is, that
it does not become you to assume functions
which do not belong u you. You may
think it strange that | am closing this note
without saying anything upon the matter
which you have broachcd. Overlook that,
drop it out of your mind-we do not dis
turb the repoSc of private secretaries with
affairs with which they have nothing to do
The newspaper slip which you have enclnsed
to me wit be returned TO you by one of my
private secretaries. | keep eleven Of these
things-not for use, but display. Although
cannot consent TO talk public business with
you, benevolent impulse moves me to call
your attention to a matter which is Of quite
serious Importance to you as an individual.
You, an unofficial private citizen, have writ
ten me an entirely personal and unofficial
letter, which you have had the temerity to
inclose to me i'll q department envelope,
bearing upon It's surface in clear print this
plain and unmistakablc warning; "a pen.
atty OF $500 is fixed by law for using this
envelope for other than official business
The servants of the Governments officers
ought to be, for simple deccncy's sake,
among tie last to break its laws. You have
committed serious offense-an offcnsc
which has none Of the elements of a joke
about it-and only plain and simple treach,
cry to his duty or the part Of your superior
The kindly and almost atfecLioDate spirit
which | have shown you is sufficient evi.
dence that do not wish you any harm, but
indeed the reverse. So, if that treachery
shall iUservcne to shelter you, / shall not
be sorry-as far rs you individually are
conccrned-but | should be unfaitEiul to
my citizenship if l did not at the same
time feel something ola pang to see law
nE ihn I.,,l nnnll,,