Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-06-17
WIT AND HUMOR.

Too much whiskey has had q very
bad effect upon mans bump OF local
lty. a few DAYS ago speculat0r stag
gered across New street, opposite the
Stock Exchange, and accosted Z broken,
saying: Say, Mister, which Is the
other side of the way?" "Over there,
of course" was the reply, as the aston
ished broker pointed To the opposite
side of the street. "The deuse!" eiac-
ulated the tlpsy fellow, "J-y Cd
told me moment ago, when l was on
that side, that 1t was over here. But i
always said that he couldn't tell the
truth"
"SIR, have your note for $20," said
one citizen TO another. as they met on
Larned street Saturday. Eyes, | guess
you have" "And you'll pay IL 2" Mot
just now." "Str! } will have no fool
ing. If you don't pay the note, III"
'YesY" "I'll put it in the bank"
Just so." "And you'll be notified to
pay it," Yes" "And If you don't,
it will be protested. Quite likely"
"And-and-" "And the protest will
cost you twelve shillings. Please put ii
ia the bank. Good morning, sir -
a sIx-YEAR-oLD boy, living near
Bridgeport, was questioned by his
school teacher the other day as TO his
name. The boy said he hadn't got none.
But you must have some name," IN
sisted the questioner; "what do they
call you around homef" "They call
me genuine iackass," replied the lit
tie fellow with sincerity. The investi-
CATION was promptly abandoned.
BELLE-This holly in my hair wants
a little reliet-it's roo red.
Aunty-Well, why not put in sprig
or TWO of mistletoe, dear?
Belle-Nonsense, Aunty! why l
should have all the young men kissing
me!
Aunty-Indeed, no, my dear; they'd
do nothing of the kind. I've tried 'em.
a LAD, who was at play with the sou
OF ii next door neighbor, asked his COM
plnion: ''Is not your father "A tool?"
mo! Who said that OF my father !"
was the reply. Nobody, as | knows
on" responded the knowing urchin;
but mother told me t'other day that |
was next door to fool, and | didn't
know whether she meant your father
or Nat Smiths"
Nor long ago, in the court ofsessions,
an Irish lawyer, while arguing with
carnestness his cause, stated "A point
which the court ruled out. "Well, I"
said the attorney, cit 1t piaze the coort,
ii am wrong in this, ! have another
point that Is equally AS conclusive"
"MY boys" SAID kind Oil City
teacher, ''ityou would be president OF
the United States YOU must be good
and studious." "Who wants TO be
president?" yelled out young chap
from back seat" "Td ruther be
/ Butil II Bill, and sh OF an Iuiun." And
lhe boys all chorused: "Them's our
sentiments"
MERCHANT: WeeI, Donal,' that's
been awtu' times for sheep" "Nae
Only them, but, ach a rfing's gaun 10
the deevil the noo." Merchant:
''Losh, man! i: that's the way OF,
he'll need Till extern his premise :"
MAMMA, says it is not polite TO ask
for cake" said little boy.-"No,' >
was the answer; lit does not loook
we'll in little boys to do so."-"But," "
said the urchin, "she didn't say must
not eat piece il you ave 1t TO me-"
AN intoxicated Providence man ask
cd railroad ticket agent for a ticket 10
| Hades, and was given one for Troy.
| He's back now and will let tie agent
know that he didn't want anything
worse than lie asked for.
| WHEN mans wife comes in and
| sees him razor in hand aud with his
face all latAer, and asks him, "A re
you shaving?" It's provoking in him
to answer, "No, I'm blacking the
stove," but it's human nature TO so
reply.
A CLERGYMAN asked tipsy fellow
who was leaning against fence, where
he expected to go when he died. ."If !
can't get along any better than now, l
shan't 20 nowhere" said he.
To parties who are unable to express
their feelings We would suggest the
matter of sending them by freight.
BAsKET-BoY on Ere's yer
fresh trailing al b ILus-10 cents bunch
three for a quarter" Unromantic
and practical eustomer--"Have you
got any dandelion greens there?"
AFTER a sharp flash of lightning
the other day, little five-year-old
Essex boy looked up to his mother and
said, Mamma, guess God scratched
a pretty big match that time, don't
your"
CHAD no time TO stuff the chicken
apologized a landlady to her boarders.
"Never mind, madam, it's tough
enough as it is" replied one of them
AN old gentleman up town says his
boy is the champion light wait OF the
country, for the gas is kept burning fol
II i'm In 4 ~ h.,1I fo-I,f