Public ledger. [volume] (Memphis, Tenn.) 1865-1893, 1880-02-05
Rebellion Against Assessment
for the Heather.

Not long since young Master Jag
gers, of North Meriden, Conn. who
had painfully accumulated the sum Of
twenty-five cents, with a view to an
expected circus, was compelled to
c%onseerate fifteen cents to the hated
small boys of India. 1t was this last
OF a long series of pecuniary outrages
that determined him to take a bold
stand against missionary assessments,
and he therefore summoned a mass
meeting of small boys on Sunday af.
ternoon, at Deacon Pratt's Darn, os-
tensibly with a view to rats, but really
in order to propose a plan OF defense
against heather encroachments.
Master Jaggers made q moving
speech, in which he glowingly de-
scribed the luxury in which the hea-
then small boy wallows. HE amt
washed, and he can wear Just as little
close as heserminter. There amt no
school for him, nor no Sunday. YOU
bet: He can go swimmin' every day.
and can just lay off on the bank and
see the c%rocodiles scoop in washer
women and such. Then his back
yard is chuck full of tigers and hin
popotamusses, and no end of snakes.
and he can steal his dads gun and
shoot EN- out of the back window.
This is the chap that rakes in all our
money, and | say it's more'n we ought
to stand. Now, l move that we all
turn heather ourselves. The folks
cant make us wash and go to school
if we're heather, and all
the other boys will have to put up
their money for u.s. 1t is
needless to say that this speech was
received with tumultuous applause.
HOwls Of execration went up as the
Injuries of the hated heathens were
described, and the proposal to adopt
h%eathenism as a profession was unan-
lmously supported. A slight tempo
rary opposition was manifested by
Master Sabin, who maintained that
in order to become heather they must
first have their eyes put out-a theory
which was based upon a misinterpre-
tation of the hymn which speaks OF
the heather in his blindness. The
director, however, was soon convinced
OF his error, and expressed thereupon
his hearty desire to becomea heather.
The details of the scheme we're all
arranged by Master Jaggers. A plas-
ter bustof a noted politician was de-
clded to be bad enough to serve as an
idol, and the amateur heather placed
it upon an empty barrel in the barn,
and bowed down to it with much
gravity. They discarded all their
clothing except a towel twisted around
their waists, and BACKED their entire
bodies with burnt cork. There could
be no doubt that they we're very sue
cessful heathens in appearance, and.
as it was late in the afternoon, they
resolved to spend the night in the
barn, to breakfast on the spoils of
Deacon Pratt's orchard, and to attend
S~unday-school in a body, in order to
collect a tribute upon the Christian
boys. The Sunday-school open.
ed as usual the next morning.
although the absence of eleven bows
created a great deal of remark. Soon
after the exercises had begun, the
teachers were astounded at the en-
trance of Master Jaggers and his ten
associate heathens, 1t is only fair to
say that the heathens behaved them
selves with as much propriety as their
professional duties would permit.
Master Jaggers advanced tothe super.
intendent and remarked: eff YOU
please, sir, we've all turned heather.
There amt no fOOlin' about it. We've
got a irst-class old idol, and we don't
believe in nothing, no more. So if you
please, sir, will you please tell them
Christian boys to fork over half of all
thelmoney they've got, and to remember
how blessed it is to consecrate it to
real, genuine heathen,"
There is no instance on record in
which a heather has been converted
as quickly as Master Jaggers. The
superintendent held him by n ear.
and at the tenth stroke of the cane
Master Jaggers renowned his heathen-
ism, and promised to smash his idol
and return to the Chris ian faith
without a moments delay. The other
heather, alarmed by the fate of their
leader, fled to the barn, washed them.
selves, resumed their clothing. and
went homeward with sober counter
ances, singing missionary hymns. The
North MerideD rivalry of heathenism
was a disastrous failure, butneverthe
less the bOldness and originality of
the scheme devised by Master Jaggers
must command our wonder and ad-
miration.