Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1880-04-21
HumOrsOme Waits.

GENTLEMEN" said farmer, writing to
the chairman Of an agricultural society,
"put me down on your list Of cattle for
calf"
THE man who owns fine gold collar but
ton with diamond set in the center always
considers it cooler and more comfortable TO
go without neck-tie.
Gan, me |" said pious old lady, sour
minister was powerful preacher. For the
short time he ministered the Word of God
among us he banged the in'ards out of FIVE
Bibles.'
"Do not marry widower," said the old
man. "a ready-made family is like plate
of cold potatoes" "Oh, I'll soon warm
them all over,' replied the damsel and
she did.
"ARE you professor of religion, my lit
tie fellow ?" asked lady of her pastors six
years-old boy recently. "No, ma'am," was
the little boys prompt response; "I'm only
the professors son."
BILKISGToN has passed away. Mrs. B.,
who had Just read the notice of his death in
the newspaper, said "What a pity John
couldn't read this He would be so pleased
to see his name in print"
VERY red-haired passenger al say,
guard, why on earth don't the train go onf"
Guard "Good gracious, sir put your head
in how can you expect 1t to go on while
that danger signal is out ?"
JOSH BILLINGS thinks it seems rather tuff,
and quite ridikius, that a man who haz
honestly earned fame, kant git it until after
he IL ded, and then haz to take it in sekond
rate poetry on his tune stun.
awe WISH" says Texas newspaper,
"that few of our citizens could be per-
mitted to live till they died natural death,
so as to show the world what magnifcently
healthy country Texas really is"
"WHIcH side of the street do you live on,
Mrs. Kippe2" asked a counsel, cross-exam-
lining a witness. "Oh, either side, sir. IL
you go one way, it's on the right side If you
go the other way, it's on the left"
"WnY, you'd better knock the door down.
What do you want?" "Och, my darling
don't let me wake any of your family. I'm
Just using your knocker to wake the people
they've niver knocker."
A pERpLExED German, who had made
garment for youth, and found himself un-
able to dispose of the surplus fullness which
appeared when trying it on the young can
nlddte, declared FOclleTOusly, tudl - Dc coat
is goot, but de poy is too slim !"
THE most absent-mnded man was not the
man who hunted for his pipe when it was
between his teeth, nor the one who threw his
hat out of the window and tried TO hang his
cigar on a peg no but the man who put his
umbrella to bed and went and stood behind
the door.
Is THIS my train ?" asked traveller at
the Kansas Pacific depot of lounger. al
don't know, but guess moi" was the doubt
full reply. al see its got the name of the
railroad company on the side, and expect
it belongs to them. Have you lost a train
anywhere" ?"
A SooTCHMAN, having hired himself to
farmer, had cheese set down before him
that he might help himself His master
| said to him Saunders, you take long
time to breakfast" o. In troth, maister,"
answered he, ga cheese O. this size is ma 80
soon eaten as ye may think"
LIKE the generality of kings and conquer
ers, Frederick the Great had philosophic
indifference to the death OF others. In one
of his battles battalion Of veterans having
taken to their heels, he galloped after them,
bawling out, What do you run away for,
you old blaokguards Do you want to live
forever 2"
An Irish hostler was sent to bring forth
travellers horse. Not knowing which of the
two strange horses in the stable belonged to
the traveller, and wishing to avoid the ap-
pearance of ignorance in his business, he
saddled both animals and brought them to
the door. The traveller pointed out his own
horse, saying, " That's my nag" " Certainly,
your honor, know that very well but /
didn't know which was the other gintle-
mans"