Middletown transcript., 1880-02-07
1EafPa.
The President has given Mrs. Hayes : weigh

CHIPS.
The President has given Mrs. Hayes . weigh
and she tip the beam at ia. !.
Il is astonishing to see the number Of
ownsrlesg dogs that will come prowling
Groand one's yard when the Assessor calls
'spend your money at home,' il the con-
stant cry Of q dozen exchanges, but that's no
trouble at all. Tell Us how to get the money,
please.
Professor Proctor tells Us the moon Is dead.
This is sad news, indeed, but we can't afford
70 publish it's obituary for less than five cents
aline.
Some Of orr exchanges say that the "Conk-
ling boom" has commenced, but we'll wager
shat it will turn ont to be nothing more than
. aBhot-gun boom.
There are five Sunday nights for courting
IN this February, and yet some people will
want to extend the last session over into
March, and even then be loath to adjourn.
The financial problem il . knotty one, but
when aman has five dollars in bis pocket and
can borrow FIVE more he knows be is worth
ten dollars. This is plain sailing.
Here Is something philosophers have never
explained: Why is it that while 1900
pound church bell has TO be rnng twice 70
bring hundred people to time, 80 pound
bell on carriage factory, rnng at noon. will
put half the population ofa town in motion
IN less than minute-and-a-half2
Somebody is always making trouble for
mankind Now, an epieure says that oysters
are not ct to be eaten until they are at least
three years old, and We suppose veil have
to look into every oysters mouth before We
sWallow him 10 see If be has arrived at the
proper satRble age.
IF your son has no brains, don't send him
10 college" says an educational journal, but
this seems to be very foolish advice. The
truth ID. our sons have 90 much more brains
than muscle that we have to send them to
college to develope the latter for fear the for
mer will get away with them.
''This is snow joke - as the girl said when
the boy washed her face with it--SaIsm Sun-
beam.
We have known some young ladies to take
Eve or six years TO get over being sixteen
years Old Waterloo O6ssrvy.
The mos. t'tony" thing in the kitchen is
the rolling pin, because il rolls right over
the upper crust.-Amsyisds Punch
The Maine business among politicians
counting ont one side and counting in the
other Quincy Modern AfgO,
Speak properly and correctly. 1t will BE-
an evidence that your Grammar brought
you up right.-DanislsonV Sentinel.
How Adams forefathers must have laughed
At some Of the jokes fosting around il patent
inside newspapers this year Wheeling SGS-
day Leader.
Every man knows how to run q newspaper
and nearly every newspaper knows how to
run every Office in the government from the
lowest TO The highest. - Modern Arso.
Most mon vAnt to be honest, but their
minds are so biased BY personal interest that
shey often internationally do injustice to
thaiP neiRhbors.-KeoSHk CoHstitutioH.
Perhaps the mania for murder runs in the
Billings family. Josh Billings murders the
English language and Jesse Billings is &C
cussd Of numbering his wife.-ROms Sentinel
Nearly all the New York dailies now ap-
pear every day in the year, and the only
pEaes their editors can now find rest is in the
dictionary .--NoryistOwR Herald
Hrs. Sarah @. Ware 10 the pOst-mistress Of
Salem, N. j. Al che has just been reap
pointed, Il 10 pretty good evidence that Sarah
Wares we'll F0terIOO 0bserVer
81 never argy agin success. When see
rattlesnaik's head sticking out Of hole, !
bear Of to the left and say 10 myself, that
hole belongs to that snaik. josh Billings.
Young man, remember these things while
In ths height Of single blessedness Seven
dollars week with solitude will pan out
further than ten dollars with twins.-Ogego
Record.
rInstead Of receiving $40, 900 for marriage
fees In the course Of q year, Dr.. John Hall
says be never received more than $500"
This was certainly q small haul-PhiEGdeE-
phiG Sunday Item.
Many publishers send us advance notices Of
new publications and forget to send the books
when they appear. We always like TO see
book We have given good notice, to ascer-
tain how much We have lied about It Nor
Fisiorn Herald.
Catherine de Medicis il reported as having |
said that the highest praise that can be given
TO woman 10 10 say that she 10 good cook.
This is pretty good Endorsement, but il isn't |
quite as good as to say that she can put an
invisible patch on a fellows pantaloons-
Waterloo Observer.