The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1880-03-19
WHAT THE WITS SAY.
"Put no fulsome compliments on my
tombstone" said a wag. "Don't give me
any epi-taffy."

ony CPi-Iahy.
A tramp went into Nevada hotel and
said, Fill me up with whiskey and have
some fun with me-"
There is something saddening about
pair Of scissors-alss they only meet to
sever.-C Cleveland Voice.
"Auaty, vat makes de little baby cry
so? Do 1t want his muzzer % "Yes,
dear, and its fodder, toe."
Death may love shining mark, but We
observe that the ba,d-headed live about as
long as auybody.-Elmira Free Press.
Pope says that beauty draws Us with
single hair. 1t doesn't nowadays. When
a beauty gets SO old that she has but sim
gle hair left she doesn't draw much.
An ETHEREAL maiden named Maud
Was suspected of being fraud
Scarce crumb was she able
To eat at the-tabe--
J'ut in the back pantry,-o Lawd
The house-fy, if in good health. can lay
10000 eggs In q season. The Danbury
NeDs thinks its pity fly can't be grated
on a hen.
Twixt Grant and Won Moltke this difference fine
The deaf may discern as they run
Won Motke is silent in languages nine,
And Grant says nothing in one.
Argonaut.
Tennyson spends hours an single line,
Aud so, by the way, does the washerwom-
an, and the line of the latter is tie longest.
Norristown Herald.
Somebody has discovered that it takes
$50, 600, 900 a day to run the world. Ii
that's so we'll take the contract for one day
and forfeit ten per cent. of the money If We
fail.-Phila. Times.
This is getting to be we'll padded
world. There are horse-pads. hip-pads,
liver-pads, kidney pads, lung-pads. breast
pads and stomaca-pads, and some one will
soon have pad for bald heads.-Detrott
Free Press.
Tennyson frequently spends hours over
single line Of his poetry before he can get
it right, and the Sweet Singer of Michigan
says if she couldn't write poetry faster than
that she would be ashamed Of herself
Boston Post.
At dinner she had doctor on either
hand, one of whom remarked that they
were we'll served, since they had a duck be-
tween them. YES" she broke in--her
wit is of the sort that comes in flashes
"and am between two quacks. Then ST.
lence fell.
Ell this scalp fits you, you may wear
it," scornfully remarked the under Indian
| in the fight. And the victor, who was
! man open to conviction, wore it on his leg
gings till he lost it, some years later, in
connection with his own.-Bu-lington
Hauksye.
The Queens speech in Parliament is
never column in length, while the Presi-
dents messaAe generally fills an entire
page of daily paper. And yet the i'm.
preston has got abroad that women are
greatest takers. The newspapers would
support a woman for the Presidency
Norristo1a Herald.
Sheridan once declined to take walk
with troublesome a1mirer, on the plea
that the weather would not p rmlt, and be-
lug caught by the lacy as be was sneaking
out for n stroll, countered her remark that
the weather seemed TO have cleared up
with the bold asseveration: Yes, madam,
enough for one, but not enough for two."
Chambers Jonrndl.
Pass the butter gently, Mable.
Shove it lightly through the air
In the corner OF the dish, love,
You will find nut-brown hair.
| What fond nemries II awakens
| OF the days ere we were wed,
When upon my good coat collar
Oft was laid your little head
Lovingly stroked those tresses,
In the happy days gone by;
| Now strike them every meal time
In the butter or the pie.
Woodworker, an Indian chief, says he
has never seen gray-haired Indian in his
life, and he has seen some over 90 years
old. 1t is because an Indian has TO trou'
BILE, no worriment or anything that way
His wife chops all the wood, builds the
fires, goes to market at daylight, stones
tramps out of the front yard and blacks
his boots. And he Is not tormented by
tax collectors and gas bills and lightning
rod peddlers. Let an Indian start TWEEN
ty-fcur column paper in six column tow
to fill long g-felt want, and his hair won ld
turn gray in one night Norristo'on Her
aid.
Il Was His Wife.