The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1880-07-17
STARTING A NEWSPAPER.
The Melancholy Experience of Smith and
Brown


morning and accosted him in this STYLE:
"Wen' Brown, you're out of job amt you?''
Brown replied feelingly that he was. Smith
said that he was in the same fix and at the
same time he thrust his hand into his trousers
pocket and pulled it out moderately filed with
silver pieces of low denominations and iingled
them in Browns face to indicate the condition
OF his treasury. Brown took in the situation
at glance, and the two began to agitate
schemes Tor their ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. Lets
start mandatory said Brown. Cant be
done,' said Smith, got no capital" '.Well,"
suggested Brown, ''lets go into the dry goods
business. That scheme too is impractical
ble,' said Smith, ''got no money or experience
either "How would bakery do" ventured
Brown, I'VE could live eff from that at least
But to start bakery flour is necessary re-
Piled Smith, land it takes money to buy
-four" Brown looked detected moment
but suddenly an idea struck him and his face
assumed cheerful aspect. "Let's start a
newspaper" 'Just the thing said Smith.
''No money is required" said Brown. ''Not
cent" said Smith. "The way to do it is to
go to the grocery merchants and assure them
ghde Jul paper ID " Uo u0NOl0u exclusively 10
the grocery interests. They will all advertise
and subscribe" "Better look out and get pay
in advance suggested Smith parenthetically,
''for something may happen to prevent the ap-
pearance of the paper" Next" continued
Brown, 1--WE must strike the hardware men
and assure them that the paper isn't to have
thing in it except it relates to the iron in
terest. The same process applied to the.fancy
goods dealers and the clothing men and the
dry goods stores will give us capital enough"
'There is great dissatisfaction" continued
Brown, with the journals now in existance.
No longer ago than yesterday Spriggins said
that the papers manifested lamentable lack
of interest in the business prosperity of the
community. The people were suffering for
want of information concerning the new mine
which had just been opened in his back yard
and the papers utterly refused to expatiate upon
the immense wealth that was stored up there
i'm Smith said he too had heard frequent
complaints against the papers. "While was
waiting in Biggins' shop the other day for his
clerk to return, who had just gone out to hunt
up quarter of pound of nutmegs which
higgins didn't happen to have in stock, Big
gins was growing because the papers were not
as large as those published in New York, and
didn't cont lin SO much about the state of
trade" There's great dissatisfaction too"
chimed in Brown, "because the papers do not
treat more fully of the great questions
of the day. My friend johnson, who
is something of a scientist, has been
looking in vain for several weeks for an arti-
Gle on the composition of comets tail and
he swear's that unless one appears soon he
shall stop his paper. Then there's Jones who
insists that the only thing that has prevented
his becoming formidable rival of the great
London preacher is the re fusal of the papers
to publish his sermons further than the para
graph beginning 'fifteenthly.' Another friend
of mine, who is rising young physician, is
is badly disgruntled because his name is not
mentioned as frequently as it might be in con-
nection with broken legs and arms. Another
friend, legal gentleman, with aspirations to
be statesman, has no doubt that he would
now be Member of Congress if the papers
hadn't abbreviated his speeches. These things,
you see," continued Brown, "make the out
look for new paper brilliant indeed
But" said Smith, hesitatingly, sis no ex-
perience necessary in running a newspaper"
None, whatever" replied Brown, ''and
besides if there were we've both got consider
able; I've been familiar with newspapers sever
since was youth when I covered kites with
them" Smith concluded that this settled the
matter of experience and asked no more ques-
tions
AS soon as possible after this conversation
Smith and Brown proceeded to put their
scheme into execution. The eventful day
came when the paper was issued and the part
ners seated themselves in there office to await
the anticipated congratulations of the COM
munity. They came thick and fast when the
mail was delivered, most of them written on
postal cards. Brown took them up and read
them to Smith They ran as follows:
''Stop my paper. The man that wrote that
article on comets tails is an IDIOT
j. SCIENTIST
can error in your market reports has ruined
me. MERCHANT
"Your laundering proof reader has made me
appear to be believer in the Koran. My
prospects in life are ruined. JONES'"
Cant take a. paper that has less than col
umn on horse trot. SPORTING MAN"
Nothing about my silver wedding in your
paper. Don't want it any longer. Az
You failed to say in that notice that the de-
ceased was the embodiment of all the virtues.
Stop my paper. A RELATIVE
Don't see anything in your paper about my
patent churn. Unless you can give me o col
umn on the subject tomorrow you may stop
my paper. INVENTOR
"By leaving out the peroration you spoiled
my speech. l labored over that for two days
and considered it masterpiece of rhetoric.
I'd rather you wouldn't have Hprinted any of
the speech at all. ORATOR.
rary are too mild. By applying such epithets
as liar or thief or ass to the editor of that
sheet you will commend your paper to
A SUBSCRIBER"
81 think political discussion should be car
ried on with more courtesy.
ANOTHER SUBSCRIBER"
"Not a word about my hotel. How do you
suppose people will know where to pass the
summer if you don't tell them. What's a
paper for anyway. SUMMER RESORT
There we're still hundred or more congrau-
ulatons, of this kind lying onlthe table when
Brown stopped in disgust "This is an I'M
grateful community we live in, isn't it
Smith," There's no doubt about it, replied
the latter. "Fun running newspaper,
added Brown sardonically. "No expe-
rience necessary suggested Smith "What
are we going to do with to-morrow's ISSUE"
queried Brown. ''Sell them for wrappers"
retorted Smith. 'Is there any money in
that inquired Brown. "No," replied Smith,
''but there's lots of experience"
FOREST FIRES.