Daily Republican. [volume] ([Wilmington, Del.]) 1874-1890, 1880-07-15
HUMOROUS.
Fac~ttOus Fragments FOnnd Float.
ing in Fields Of Fact and Fancy.

He WENT AS FREIGHT.-Shortly after
1.-The collapse Of the oonfederacy, an ex-
soldier, who had spent all his pay in
rioting and whiskey drinking, found
himself In Shreveport, strapped and
busted but full Of expedients. De-
sirous CT reaching his home he inquired
the fare ard to bis dismay found it to
ibe GA. Nov that amount was as big
as million to Billy's sight. After
casting about he bsthought himself Of
a scheme. The steamer National was
nearly ready to leave her wharf when
he made his appearance on the dock
and sang out:
81 say captain, how much do you
Icharee to carry barrel Of whiskey to
New Orleans 7"
"Two dollars" replied the captain,
Gan right" replied Billy. ''send
out q couple Of your deck hands and
roll me aboard"
Captain Hamilton saw the joke, and
sent out the mud clerk to take the
marks, weight, etc., Of the freight.
Billy was invited to q seat at the
cabin table by the captain and travelled
to New Orleans in style as "a barrel OF
whiskey," by which name he was a.
forwards known.
Could NOT FOOL HIM.-Dana Krum,
one of the conductors on the Erie rail.
road, was approached before train time
by an unknown man who spoke to hind
as il he had known him for years. II
say DANA" said he, 81 have forgotten
my pass, and want to go to Susque-
hanna; | am a fireman on the road,
you know - But the conductor told
him he ought to have a pass with him.
1t was the safest way. Pretty soon
Dana came along to collect tickets.
Seeing his man, he spoke when he
reached him:
/ "say, nay friend, have you the time
with you p
eyes," said he, as he pulled out
a watch, ''it ia twenty minutes past
nine."
ooh, 1t is, is IL? Now, if you don't
show me your pass or fare, will stop
the train. There is no railroad man
that ever saw who would say twenty
minutes past nine.' He would say
snine.twenty.'" He settled.
i A CLEVELAND LAWYER, defending a
handsome young lady, charged with
larceny, closed his appeal to the jury
thus: "Gentlemen, you may hang
the ocean on q grape vine to dry, lasso
an avalanche, pin napkin to the
mouth of q volcano, skim the clouds
from the skies with teaspoon, throw
salt on the tail of our American eagle.
whose sleepless eyes watches over the
welfare of our nation, paste For rent
on the moon, and stars ; bat never for
a moment delude Yourself with the idea
that this charming girl is guilty OF the
charge preferred against her." The
jury acquitted her without leaving theil
seats.
TRYING THE OLD STYIB.-"Where arr
Won going this summer ?" asked Omar
terpercent, the broker, of one Of hii
customers the other day. "Going
Well, with Water Power down to 81,
i Erie selling for IS, and the copper min
ing stocks ten feet below low tide,
thought soon Of going to the almshouse
but rather guess / shall try the old
style-creditors' meeting-25 cents
with my own notes running twelve
eighteen and twenty four months, you
know. Soon as that's settled I'll 60 Il
Saratoga-must make some show, yor
know"
A COUNTRY SToREKREPER Of northern
New York failed in business. He offer
ed to settle at fifty cents on the dollsl
and the proposal was accepted by some
but refused by one firm, who commend
ed legal proceedings against him to re-
cover the full amount. At the trial hi
was asked by one of the counsel il
what manner he had kept his books, by
single or double entry. He replied
that they were not kept in an entry at
all. but under the counter on the salt
barrel.
| PROFESSOR OF GREEK, who ia out ria.
ing with his wife, notices that thu
horse is thirsty and drives into !
stream BY the roadside. Professor re-
marks that there is evidently some
weighty obstruction which prevents
the horse from getting his head dowr
to drink, and says that he will make
observations with a view Of detecting
the difficulty. Suddenly he exclaims
"Ah / perceive" and proceeds to I'M
buckle the crupper.
| A young lady who had been married
a short time lately told "boson
friend" there was only one thing more
astonishing than the readiness will
which Ned gave up smoking when they
became engaged, and that was the ra.
pidity with which he took 1t up wher
they were married.
There is no use talking. There is
nothing under the heavens that will
lapproach the suddenness with which
young lady on the streets will clutch
her polonaise and dash for the nearest
millinery factory when she feels the
hooks ana eyes VI hoi "'o w
good bye to each other.
SWELL FATEHR Brown, how did you
like my sermon yesterday ?" asked a
young preacher. eye see, parson,"
was the reply, haven't fair chance
at them sermons Of yours. l am an OLD
man, now, and have to set pretty well
nv the stove, and there's old Miss
smithie, Wilder saff'n Rylan's dater'n
Nabby Birth all the rest sitting in
front of me with their mouths wide
open swallerin' down ali the best Of
the sermon, N what gets to me is putty
poor stuff, parson, putty poor stuff"
AN OLD gentleman OF the name Of
Gould, having married young WIFE,
wrote a posticsl epistle to his FRIEND
to inform himof 1t, and concluded thus: