Montgomery County sentinel. [volume] (Rockville, Md.) 1855-1974, 1880-01-02
Mark Twain on Private Clerks.
To the Editor ofthe Hartford coursn,.

| A day or two ago received formidable
envelope from Washington inclosing let
ter and some printed matter. This enve-
| lope had certain peculiarities about IT, For
instance, in its right-hand upper corner an
oval black stamp was printed, bearing the
words, UNITED States Postal Service" in
the upper left-hand corner the following
words were printed in large, bold type in
three separate ines-thus
Post Office Department,
Office Of the Postmaster General.
OPTICAL BUSINESS
In the lower left.hand corner was printed
the following words, In two separate lines,
thus:
A penalty Of 5000 is fixed by law for using
this envelope for other than Official Bust
ness.
In this majestic envelope found the fol-
lowing, among other things:
"PosToFFIcE DEPARTMENT, WARRINGTON,
d. c., November 30, 1875 N. Clemens,
Esq, Hartford, Conn. Dear Sir-Noticing
your letter In the Hartford Coarant upon
the recent order Of the pastmaster-ge general,
/ take the liberty Of inclosing few copies
Of tract which the department has prepared
In order to meet such hardened cases as
yours. After reading the tract and the in
closed clipping from the Cincinnati Eaqitir-
ar, which latter wish you would return TO
me, as II is the only copy have, you will
see that the unnecessary labor Of which
you complain was really as unnecessary as
the complaint, the only utility Of which was
to add to the already surplus stock Of mis-
information in the world, and TO enable
some needy compositors To increase their
strings by several thousand, which latter
end might have been just as well attained
by the use of bogus.
81 send you by this mail a copy of the
postal laws and regulations to explain the
illusions in the tract, and hope you will
take the trouble to look into the matter thor
oughly. The department Is unit In regard
Ing the order AS the greatest step towards
perfecting the postal service that has been
taken for years, and It's officers are confident
that when the public understood II they will
sustain H. Yours truly,
THOMAS b. kirby,
"Private Sec. to the Postmaster General"
My Callow Friend When you shall have
outgrown the etfervescence Of youth and NC
quired bit Of worldly experience, you will
cease 10 make mistakes like that. That Is TO
say, you will refrain from meddling In mat
tiers that do not concern you you will re-
cognize the simple wisdom Of combining
yourself strictly TO your own business
There ore persons who would resent this
innocent piece OF impertinence Of yours and
say harsh things to You about II; but, for
tunately for you, am not that sort Of per.
son. Whatever else may lack I have
good heart
Therefore, in humane and gentle spirit,
will try 10 set you right upon certain small
points--not TO hurt you, but TO do you good
You seem 10 think you have been called 10
account. This is n grave error II il the
postofice department Of the United States Of
America which has been called N account.
There Is difference here, which you have
overlooked; will point II out. You are
not the postofiics department, but only nm
irresponsible, inexpensive and unnecessary
appendage 10 II. Grave, elderly men, pub
lie instructors, like me, do not call private
secretaries 10 account. Bear this In mind
II will he a help to you.
The mistake you have made is simple
you have imagined yourself the dog, where
as you are the tail. You have endeavored
TO wag the dog this was not judicious. You
should have hung quiescent until the dog
wagged you. II stepped on this tail-and
we will grant, for the sake Of argument, that
did-it was not 70 call the tails attention
TO anything, but only to direct the attention
Of the main body Of the animal 10 a certain
matter You perceive II was simply in the
nature Of ringing bell, that Is NIL my bust
ness was not with the bell itself but with
this owner Of II. A bell Is useful thing. in
measure, but IL should not keep on ring
ing when one is done with IL.
DO make myself partially understood
Lest there BIZ any doubt, let me illustrate
farther--by parable; for the parable is the
simplest and surest vehicle for conveying
information 10 the immature mind. You
seem TO have gathered the impression, some
how, that you are member Of the Cabinet.
This is an error. You are only extraneous
matter connected with member Of the
Cabinet. Your chief Is one Of the guns Of
that battery, but you are not You are not
the gun or the load, or even the ramrod
neither do you supply the ammunition. You
only do up the cartridge and serve IA a fire.
stick 10 touch it of You are not the barrel
Of moasscs you are only the faucet through
which the mOiasses is discharged. You are
not the boot, hut the bootjack that H. TO
say, you do not furnish the idea, you only
pull il of. You are not the lightning, but
only the lighlninelpG.
DO yon perceived The thing | am trying
To convey 10 you Is that il doe. not become
you 10 assume Junction. which do not be-.
sng lo you. You may think lts;nner that
an Chung iu.s noe without saying any
iDing upon the matter you have broarlrd.
Overlook ib1i drop II out III your mind
W. lo not disturb the repo.e 81 private .rc.
retaric. with affair. with which they have
nothing 70 do. The newspaper slip which
you have inclo.el 10 me will be returned 10
you by one ofmy private secretaries. keep
eleven Of these thing. not for use. but dis /
play
Although J cannot consent ~ talk public 4
business with you, benevolent impulse
moyo, me to call your attention n a matter
which II N quite serious importance 10 you
~ an individual You, an unofficial private
citizen, have written me ala entirely personal
and unofficial letter. which you have had the
temsriy 10 inclose IN me Ia a department
envelope, bearing upon H. surface In clear
print this plain and unmlstakable warming
"A penalty oi 500 Is fixed by law for using
this envelope for other than official business"