Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1880-09-02
WIT AND HUMOR.

| AND II.
Don't play tag around the hind legs OF
this mule is placard in an indianapolis sta
bic.
The fellow who picked up the hot penny
originated the remark, "All that glitters is
not cold"
The individual who saw a mouse fighting
with piece of Limburger cheese readily
realized that the battle is not always to the
strong.
Stories first heard at a mothers knee are
never wholly forgotten Rusk5n. But rules
OF conduct first enforced at the same place
leaves far more vivid appearance.
Mrs. Coodle was telling Jane that the pota-
toes had an oniony smell, when that monster
Coodle suggested that perhaps they had been
cooked in saucepan with a leak 10 it.
'Will you have some strawberries ?" asked
a lady of a guest. Eyes madam can eat
strwberries with enthusiasm" ''Do tell We
haven't anything but cream and sugar for
them this evening.
Brown gave his wife an elegant umbrella
tor her birthday present. "Be very careful
of it !" he said to her. "Oh be easy, dear;
will use it only on Sundays and HOLIDAYS,
and then only when the weather is fine.
A woman who went to a concert to hear
Blind Tom "play by ear, says that she was
swindled, and wants the fraud exposed. She
says that instead of playing by ear he played
with his fingers just like other performers.
The Rev. John Morse, clergyman of
Dexter Me-, has been suspended by
church council because of ''his freaky and
mulish spirit of perversity." This is supposed
to correspond to murder in the second degree
An American girl who marries an Italian
Marquis gets on very well until his serene
highness begins to spend all her money and
talk OF 'her father re shopkeepaire Then
she fires up and gives him little Fourth of
July.
The last piece of rustic lszness encounter
ed by out of town correspondents is that of
the man who, being asked what allied his eye
answered, ''Nothin' shut cos / can zee
well enough with one. Sometimes shut one
sometimes t'Other."
Why is it that whiskey straight will make
man walk crooked ?-Boston Globe. Why is
it? Why it is because you drink it. Did you
ever think of that ? You leave the whiskey
IN the jug, and it will not make you walk
crooked.-NOrrist0pn Herald
Miss Flirtington: "Yes, like the place
very much, major; sou have such Jolly
SET of men down here" The major: eyes,
awfully jolly. You'd better steal your heart,
F.: "Well, while I'm about it, major, Id
rather steal somebody elses, don't you
knOw?'
"Hello! when did you return ?" asked
SnObson of his friend Binns. whom he met
on the street. "Wby, haven't been away"
replied the latter. ''You haven't ?" incredu-
lousy asked Snobson. Why you look so
worn out and near dead that l positively
thought you had been away to one of the
watering places for few weeks for the ben
Eft of your health.
In the Southwest what may be termed the
religious traveller is occasionally met with
he perambulating parsOn or the migratory
"Where are you going?" said
young gentleman to an elderly one in white
,ravat whom he overlook few miles from
Little Rock. Il am going to heaven, my
ION. l have been on my way for eighteen
'ears." ''Well, good bye, old fellow if
'ou have been travelling toward heaven for
Eighteen years and got no nearer than Ark
nsas, will take another route"
A certain young Boston bachelor, wealthy
'ut modest, was taking his bath one morning
Vhen his telephone called him. He sprang
rom the tub and was Mortified to hear that q
ady, wife of distinguished New York Dem
cratic banker, was at the other end of the
7ire, mile away. 1t would never do tor
i'm to carry on conversation with lady
q his present condition. Excuse me- A
housand pardons!" he cried aghast He
onned his dressing and then repaired to the
elephone and conyersed without fear of mo-
,station.
A young lady had been spending the day
18th bachelor minister and his sister. The
oung lady, whose name was Miss Hope, mad
cen much gratified with the kindly treatment
'ceived at the good old manse, and on leav-
lg expressed her thanks for the kindness of
le minister, making at the same time the re-
ark that she had not heard him in the pull
It; ''but," she continued, II will be over on
e Sabbath to hear you" Il shall be very
ad to see you, Miss Hope, and. under the
teresting circumstances, you might suggest
text for the occasion. and l will do all the
stice to it can" 81 would be glad TO do
at, sir" replied the young lady ''How
ould this one do-'Lay hold upon the Hope
4 before Won p"