The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1880-07-21
The Deadly Parasol.
Legislation Invoked for Mans Protec-
ton.
IN. Y. Times.l

IN. Y. Times
Few people have any idea Of the amount of
eyes that are annually ruined by the parasols
of small wives. In the year 1879, it is esti-
mated that in the United States alone two
hundred and sixty eyes were totally put out,
and seven hundred and nine were more or less
injured. No accurate table of the number Of
divorces produced by the same cause has been
made, but the fact that about two-thirds of all
the divorced men in the State of Illinois are
one-eyed gives us some idea of the extent to
which the parasol in the hands of wife OBJ
jectionably small ruins the peace of families.
What is the proper remedy for this giant
evil? This is question for every man who
has or who contemplates taking small wife.
1t will not do to increase the length Of the
parasol handle inversely as the height Of the
wife. There is certain standard of length
for the parasol handle, beyond which it can
not be increased, for the reason that when the
handle is too long the parasol does not cast a
shadow which can be kept in position over .
bonnet with any certainty. Equally imprac-
ticable would be any device for increasing the
height of wives, so as to bring their parasols
above the level of their husbands eyes. Al
ready the boot heels of women are made as
high as possible, and ii any attempt is made to
increase height, women would be totally un-
able to walk. OF course, the wise man who is
still unmarried, and who knows the dangers
that accompany the parasol of the small wife,
can resolve to marry no woman whose parasol
will not reach at least six inches above the
level of his eyes, but the man who is already
married to small wife cannot better his stua-
tion by making good resolutions as to the
selection of his second wife.
1t may be said that small wife should be
required to hold her parasol in such a way as
not to endanger her husband eyes. OF course
this sphysically possible, but he knows little of
the nature of woman who fancies that
any wife will submit to dictation as to how
she shall carry her parasol. When her hus-
band remarks, There, my dear! my other
eye is gone!' she merely says, "How can you
be so stupid!'' and calmly lays all the blame
upon him. If requested to keep her parasol
out of her husbands eyes, she either fatty
refuses and tells him to attend to his own
affairs-as if he had no right to feel any in
terest in his eyes-or she bursts into tears, and
says that if he cannot walk with her without
insulting her he had better stay at home. The
parasol is probably dearer to a woman than
any other earthly thing, and she will carry it
in what she considers the proper way, though
all the male sex should be blinded thereby.
The only apparent defense against the para
sol is to cover the ends of its rits with large
India-rubber tenders. On each end should be
placed a sphere of solid rubber of at least
an inch in diameter. By no possibil-
ity could the human eye be injured
by contact with so large and soft a substance,
and the husband of q small wife, whose para
sol should be thus rendered innocuous, could
walk with her in a crowded street with safety.
1t is evident, however, that nothing
except stringent legislation will induce the
women of our country to consent to having
their parasols decorated with rubber spheres.
If merely requested to do so by their husbands,
they wall unhesitatingly refuse, and, in most
instances, will assert that the request is delib-
erately intended to make them ridiculous.
The legislature, however, can very properly
make and enforce laws for the protection Of
the eyes of males citizens. That woman
should be allowed to carry a weapon that con-
stantly menaces her husband with blindness is
a areproach to our civilization. We + rbid men
to carry pistols and knives, and we should
equally forbid women TO carry sthe dangerous
and sometimes deadly parasol. -