The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1880-08-14
HUMOROUS.

HUMOROUS. &,
A RELIGIOUS body having resolved
to build new church, the pastor went
about begging very zealously, accept
Ing not only the Widows but the
chtld's, mite, In the Sunday school a
lew days afterward, while instruoting
the children, he compared himself to q
shepherd, aud then Inquired what the
latter did with his flock. One bright
eyed little fellow promptly replied,
che shears them.''
AN old gentleman complaining that
his glasses were not strong enough to
serve his turn. was told by the Of .tioIan
that they ought to be so, seeing they
were "twos." "What have you got
after twosr" inquired he. "Numb ber
ones" was the reply. 'sAnd after
ones !" "Oh," said the optician. stif
you don't find them strong enough,
sir, you will require a dog and a
string"
IT Is becoming fashionable to con.
meet printing offices by telephone with
churches, which enables the editorial
staff to slaughter two ornithological
specimens with a single rock, so to
speak. Journalists can play euchre
and hear a sermon at the same time
but the advantages are on one side.
The minister can't watch the progress
or the game as he breaches.
Haunted Me.
A Worktngman says: "Debt, poverty
and suffering haunted me for years,
caused by sick family and large bills
for doctoring, which did no good. l
was completely discouraged, until one
year ago, by tho advice Of nv pastor. /
procured Hop Bitters aud commenced
their use, and In one month we were all
we'll, and none of US have been sick q
day since; and want to say to all poor
men, you can keep your families well
year with Hop Bitters for less than
one Doctors visit will cost. ."-Christian
Advocate.
THE latest rage among young ladies
Is to possess an old fashioned spin
ming wheel for q parlor ornament.
Inc desire to possess an Old-tashiOned
wash board and tub as kitchen orn a.
ment doesn't rage much among young
ladies. They are about as handsome
as the spinning wheel, but they are not
fashionable.
MR. SIMPKINs often declares that he
never drinks anything stronger than
claret. But coming home recently. at
midnight, and putting his lips to his
wife's ear, ho whispered mystcriously {:
"H ush, my dear, don't be alarmed but
there are burglars about. They have
already stolen our keyhole; l had to
get In by the cellar windows!"
PROFESSIONAL pomposIty is we'll
taken of in the following anecdote {:
Dental doctor Cooking learned and
speaking slowly)-"Well, mariner,
which tooth do you want extracted
1T the molar, or incisor?" Jack
(short and sharp)-sIt is in the upper
tier, on the larboard side. Bear hand,
you swab, for 1t Is nipping my jaw Ii Ike
a lobsterl'
He came into the sanctum with a
large roll of manuscript under his arm,
and said very politely: 81 have lit
tie trifie here about the beautiful sun.
set yesterday, which 1 would like in
serted If you have room.'' "Plenty of
room. Just insert it YOURSELF" replied
the editor, gently pushing the waste
basket toward him.
"WLL you be so kind, my little
friend, as to tell your grandmother thal
the man who is taking the census
would like 10 see herp'' said down
town census-taker recen tly to young
miss Of seven summers. The little one
hesitated ali instant and then replied :
Eyes, sir! iii tell her, but don't be-
]ieve she has any,"
The people of Williamstown cele-
brated Decoration Day by having a
cooking main, ,pigeOn-shot ting II atches,
walking contests, aud tree fl ght. How
true the words of the poet, "Our
heroes did not die in vain"
THE merits of DR.. Bulbs Baby Syrup
are acknowledged by all who have
ever used it for the diseases Of infancy
Price only 25 cents a bottle.
"I DEFY the lightning to strike me ii
said an Indian man during a Thunder
storm. Next moment bolt Of heaven
fire danced down the chimney, and
killed dog for which he paid $2S.
The boat race tiasco between Court.
ney and Hanlan so diagusted tie peo.
pie Of Washing ton with water that but
few have either drunk 1t or Dathed In
It since.
AN old bachelor being ask I'd If ever
he had witnessed al execution, re-
piled: "No, but l once saw a MARI.
age"
THE best accounts Of battles can be
written by men who go to the rear fol
water when the engagement is hottest
IT'S wise man that can recognize
circus from the description given OF
The advertising boards.
A GOOD temperance work-Remov
ing the bars at the III outh of tho Mis-
oi