The Louisiana Democrat. [volume] (Alexandria, La.) 1845-1918, 1880-02-25
A Boiled Novel.

A reporter on the Cincinnati Daily
Enquirer wrote a novel recently which
the publishers declined. The editor Of
the Enquirer told him TO boil itdown'
and he would publish it. The novel,
after boiling" was as follows:
sour hero hangs by his eyebrows
over Il frightful cliff, below which, is Il
yawning abyss. His hands are tied be-
hind him, and his feet are bound tight
ly togsthrr. Five huge hungry bears
sit beinw, anxiously anticipating our
hern's fall, and these bears are fully de-
terHine,l to eat our hero up If he falls
their way. Ten-thousand Wild savages
with streaming hair. blOOd.shot eyes
and ten thousand patent hreech.loading
rifles, cramnrd to the muzSle with
powder aud Louisiana politics, are
three iuches back in the county, rush
ing with mad impctuosity toward the
cliff. But bark What sound is thats
A beautiful young lady, attired in a bal
loon, is seen rising, as a speck, on the
distant horizon. But the hungry bears
sit wlietting their teeth, claws and APP
petites. The savages rapidly advance
in line of battle. and halt for dinner
On! onward! speeds the balloon. The
bears got impatient. Orders are passed
in the Indian camp commanding every
man to eat all he can hold, for no man
may be spared to tell the tale after the
impending battle about to ensue, and
he may be wounded. With lightning
velocity the lovely lady skins through
the air, steering straight for the mo-
mentions cliff.
The barbarians finish their lunch, af-
ter which the entire host utter long,
loud, .blood-curdling, diabolIcal, saw
filing, locomotive. whistle. danger-ahead
laugh of maddening derision. A pipe
is then brought out, filled with sage
brush, and smoked leisnrely by one OF
the Indians, who, after smoking it out,
refills and passes it to his next door
neighbor, who in turn does the same
thing, until every man gets good long
smoke, except one, who doesn't indulge
because his mother-in-law objects.
Nearer snd nearer draws the balloon
containing the beautiful young lady,
who sends carrier pigeons on ahead to
assure the young man hanging over
that dreadful cliff that he is forgiven
that she loves him still, and that she
will rescue him, certain, sure, if the
wind doesn't change. A forced march
is made by the savages, who have sworn
| to their queen to conquer our hero, on
pain of not getting any rations for two
hours in the event of failure. The
bears hold their ground with zeal
worthy of better cause. The balloon
sends along with a spanking breeze
but is now espied by the Indian scouts
sent in advance to reconnoitre before
dinner. kilograms are hastily dis.
patched to the main army, urging the
greatest expedition. 1t is an exciting
race between the immense army and
the flying balloon. Things are coming
to focus. The savages have covered
two and seven-eighths inches of the
distance that lay between them and oul
hero at the outset, leaving but an
eighth of an inch for the Indians tc
march. Ten thousand knives and the
same number of spears are flashing and
changing in the air. The fatal blow is
| about to be struck. ALI of the weapons
are about to fall upon our hero's head
and he is about to fall into the mouths
of the bears below. ..'They shall moi
have thee! my own, my brave, true
Lowell" screeches the charming young
young lady in the balloon. "Saved
saved!" she cries, with a sCornful peal
of defiant laughter, as she plucks the
young gentleman by the hair of the
head, and waves him exultantly In the
atmosphere, during which exciting mo.
ment the balloon shoots high into the
space above, and the savages shoot low
into the space beneath, killing all Of
the big bears, which is great dlsap.
pointnient to them. The savages hire
balloon, and all of them getting into
the air,ship, they start in pursuit of the
young lovers. But after long and ex-
citing chase, the young people get mar
ried, settle down and raise large fam
lily of children, who create a famine on
the farm, making times very hard, in