davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23
Crazy People at the White House.

Crazy people are constantly calling
at the White House on all sorts of
errands with the President, but the
ushers generally find out their infirm-
ity and get them out of the building in
some way or other, though some slip
past into the Presidential presence, and
others have to be turned over TO the
police. There are a few who come
regularly, like the old man living out
near Bladensburg, who calls every two
months to claim the presidential chair
to which he has been elected. He would
have come sooner TO enter upon his
duties, but work on his farm prevented
his leaving home. The last time he
called he was more persistent than
usual, and Informed the usherS that he
would make no changes, except to turn
Secretary SchurZ out of the cabinet.
He was asked Il he had wife, and re-
plying in the negative, was told that
no unmarried man could be president,
whereupou he started right home to
get wife. About five times in the year
u neatly dressed man of 35 years comes
down from Pennsylvania to take
possession of the White House and
treasury, which have been decided to
him.. The man who ended the rebellion
wanted to see the President the other
morning and was told that he saw cal
lers at Ala 10th street, police station.
The man went there promptly and took
seat, but after a time the keeper
wanted to know his business. He had
just called to see the President. The
keeper took in the situation and con-
Quoted the visitor to a cell. promising
to show the President right in when he
came. A few weeks ago an Ohio as
Cronomer was on hand with a request
to be made perintendent Of the naval
observatory, that he might avert the
earth's impending COLI sion with the
other planets. A Maine woman walked
into the White House one day, and
spreading a large Bible she carried
under her arm on window-seat. began
to preach on the necessity of being born
again. She had come on a mission to
convert President Hayes and when she
was turned out, she repeated verse after
verse from the Bible in a loud voice.
and kept it up all the way down the
cOncre4e walk to the gate.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23
How Some Roses Were COIOred.

A Hartford young man boarded a
horse car the other day WITH a bunch
of roses. One was white, one green
and one of delicate flesh-clored tint.
These flowers attracted the attention
of the passengers, both ladies and gen-
tlemen. One lady remarked that she
had seen the buds of the green rose
and another said she had seen the rose
itself, but had never seen any so per-
feet and so lovely as this one. The
flesh-colored one was also commented
upon and praised. Finally the young
man VOLUNTEERED the information that
the coloring was done by putting the
stem of one into green ink, and the
other into red Ink. Although the
leaves were beautifully colored, the
coloriHg would not rub off. 1t only re-
quired ten minutes to change the coler
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

A DRY goods clerk, not a thousand
miles from Titusvile-One of those
dainty creatures whom nature made
especially to measure tape, recently
took his inamorata out riding. Coming
horse drink, but as the check reiu was
fastened the animal could not get his
head down. The nice young man
studied the situation for while 10 dis
cover the difficulty, aud finally triur-
phantly pounceu upon the crupper and
gravely unbuckled it.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23
Is II POAAihIe

That a remedy made of such c mmOn,
5 mple plants as Hops, Buchu, Man
drake, Dapdelion. &C., makes so many
and such marvellous and wonderful
cures as Hop Bitters do? 1t must be. for
when old and young rich and poor, Pas
tor and Doctor, Lawyer and Editor, all
testify 10 having been cured by them,
we must believe and doubt no longer.
See other column.-POSt.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

DR.. FLAcK, for thirty years one of the most
success ,uI educators in the country, offers
greatly reduc d rates for board and tuition in
our advertising columns. His school is To-
Gated on the Hudson River and in the most
healthy and beautiful location. Better write
and offer what you can afford to pay, and get
his reply.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23
How tO Get Sick

Expose yourself day and night, eat
too much without exercise; work TOO
hard without rest; doctor all the time :;
take all the vile nostrums advertised; :;
and then you will want TO know
now TO GEr WELL.
Which Is answered il three Words Take
Hop Bitters. See other column .-Er-
press.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23
Perfect SUCCESS.

G. II. Blecken, M. D., of Minneapolis,
MIMI, SAYS Il saw Hunts Remedy used in
a case of Dropsy with perfect Success l did
not treat the patient, but four attending ply
sIcians had given up the case as hopeless.
Hunts Remedy was then used with perfect
success and the patient is well. shall give
Hunts Remedy in Dropsical and Kidney Dis
eases." Trial slze rs cents
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23
A GOOu InvesGn.enr-

Investors Shouts read the advertisement NJ
the old-estab'ished banking house of James
M. Drake Co., New York City, who II =
good seven p mt. r. r. Bond for 95 ana
accrued interest, with bonus Ia capital stock
of the company.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23
An Old Doctor,s ADVICE.

1t was this: Trust in God and keep
your bowels OPEN" For this purpose
take Kidney-W Wort-for no other remedy
so etiectually OvercOmes this condi-
ton. and that without the distress and
gripping which other medicines cause.
-ECliDSe,
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

PoLICEMAN-"What DO you mean,
fighting here Sir?" Bruiser-"l wasn't
lighting" - Policeman-"WhaU dye
have your coat off for, then?" Bruiser
Well, you see, knew there was go
ing 10 be row, ard | had made up my
mind 10 run away from il; and never
could run worth II cent with my coat
on
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

81 SAY, old lady" said man on a
country road the other day, did you
see bicycle pass here ju-t now?"
No, didn't see no kind OF a sickle,
mister; but just now ! seed wagon
wheel runnin' away with man. You
kin believe it or not, wouldn't if |
hadn't seed il mvselT."
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

EXCHANGES are publishing many
funny Incidents connected with the
taking of the census. 1t is nothing
strange that the census takers should
have some ludicrous experience tor
each one is an in-humor-ator. The
young man who wrote the foregoing
was struck by lightning from clear
sky just as he had finished.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

A great improvement has recently
been made in that useful product CAR
BoLINE, deOdorized extract of petrO-
leum, which is the only article that re-
ally cures badness. 1t is now the finest
of hair dressings.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

To WHIP CREAM-SwCeten a howl of
cream with loaf sugar, and favo- TO
taste; set another bowl near the above
with sieve over it; then whip the
cream with whisk and as it rises in a
frOth take 1T off with a skinner and
nut it into the sieve to dram; whip also
the cream which drains off and when
done ornament with lemon raspings.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

ARE YOU RIGHT SURE that you are so physi-
cally constituted as TO be exempt II ~ all at
tacks Of Cramps, cholera Morbus, DiarrhGa or
DysenIery? II MOI, would be prudent to pro-
vide yourself vii h Dr.. Jaynes CarminatIve Bal
sure curative for Summer Complaint, and all
Diseases or the Bowels In either Chi Ilren or
adults,
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

VEGETINE is now acknowledged by
our best physicians to be the only sure
and safe remedy for all diseases arising
from impure blood, such as scrotula
and ScroIulous humors.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

SEVERAL strangers entered a town,
and while waiting for train went into
a neighboring bar room TO have some
thing TO take. A Gagged squirrel attract
ed their attention, and the four placed
their fingers through the wires and bet
drinks as TO which would be noticed
first. They all lost. Three lost the
drinks and the fourth lost thumb.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

WE find the Iollowing description OF
a patent fruit picker: 1T is simply a
ring or collar of shee metal tour or
rive inches high and the same In diam
eter. with the upper portion formed
into half dozen points like a crown,
each being covered with an iRdia rub
ber disc or shield TO prevent the fruit
from injury by contact. A socket in
the side receives Il light pole of any
required length, and from the bottom
of the ring or crown extends light
hose OF cotton drilling or other light
material TO convey the fruit TO the hand
Of the operator or into basket, wagon
or wherever desired. Standing on The
ground, the operator reaches Tor the
tru.t, the points of the crown passing
on each side OF the stem, and light,
upward shove easily detaches the fruit
and it drops down through the crown
and hose. The operator can hold the
pole in one hand and the hose in the
other, or the hose can be hooked TO Ii
small, movable bracket placed on the
pole for that purpose, thus allowing OF
handling the pole with both hands, or
an assistant can manage the hose"
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

A LITTLE North Carolina girl started
off on her first sea voyage late at night,
and on looking out the staterOom win
dow in the morning called her mother
in establishment to see the front yard
full OF water.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

a TORONTO patent medicine man re-
Gently ruined the sale of his "Cure all
Butter " by publishing q testimonial
from man who asserted that "his
wife. who had not been able to speak
above whisper for five years, had her
voice completely restored by the use OF
one bottle" When the Toronto man
realized the effect OF the publication he
wrung his hands and said, 'An enemy
hath cone this thing
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

WHEN a man Is young he spends
much of his time in parting his hair in
the middle; when he is old and bald he
wastes much more time In trying 10
make the ends of his sparse locks meet
upon the polished crown above.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23
HUMOROUS.

The PRESERVATION OF CIDER.-A
pure, sweet cider is only attainable
from clean, sound fruit and the fruit
should therefore be carefully examined
and whip before grinding. In the
press use haircloth or gunny In place
OF straw. As the cider runs from the
press let 1t pass through hair sieve
into large open vessel that will hold
AS much juice as can be expressed
IN ole day. In one day, or sometimes
less, the pOmlca will raise to the top
and In short time grow very thick.
When little white bubbles break
through il draw oil the liquid through
very small spig0t, placed about three
Inches from the bottom, so that the less
may be left behind. The cider must be
drawn off into very clean, sweet casks
preferably fresh liquor casks, and
closely watched. The moment the
white bubbles, before mentioned, are
perceived rising at the bunghOle, rack
IL again. 1t Is usually unnecessary 10
repeat this three times. Then Till up
the cask with cider in every respecJlike
that originally contained In IL; add
tumbler of warm sweet oil, and bung
up tight. For very fine cider IL Is custO.
mary 10 add at this stage of the process,
about half a pound of glucose (starch
sugar., or smaller portion of white
sugar. The cask should then be allow
ed 10 remain In Il cool place until the
cider has required the desired flavor. In
the meantime clean barrels for its re-
ception should be prepared as fol-
lows:-Some clean strips of rags are
dipped In melted sulphur, lighted and
burned in the bunghole, and the bung
laid loosely on the end OF the rag so as
10 retain the sulphur vapor within the
barrel. Then lie up half n pound of
mustard seed in Il coarse muslin bag
and put in the barrel, till the barrel
with cider, and add about Il quarter of
pound of isinglass or 1ine gelatinc
dissolved in hot water. This is the old
fashioned way, and will keep cider In
the same condition as when il
went Into the barrel, if kept in cool
place, for Il year. Professional cider
makers are uslng calcium sulphlte
(sulphide OF lime), instead of mustard
and sulphur vapor; IL Is much more
convenient and etfectual. To use il, IL
is simply requisite to add one eighth 10
une-quarter of All ounce of SulphiGe to
each tllOu of cider in the cask, first
mixing the powder in about quart of
the cider, then pouring il back into
the Ca sand glvin the lattera Il 90 gl
shaking and rOLlng. After standing
several days TO allow the sulphite to
exert It's full action X may be bottled
or.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

The ARMY W ORM The new appear
ance OF this pest Ill various parts OF the
country simultaneously has created
great alarm among the farmers, for
Its ravages are so great and so speedy
and the difficulty OF stopping them he
fore the mischief is done sufficient TO
strike terror into the heart OF the far
mer, for he stands almost pOwerless
while his best fields OF grain and grass
and corn are lald bare before his sight.
The only preventive is unceasing
watcfhulneSs, and the promptest action
when the danger Is near. United ac-
ton too is necessary; upon its appear
ance upon any farm, notice should be
given 10 the neigubors; they should
promptly assemble ana render assls-
lance 10 prevent tue further progress
of the army. Ihis can be more or less
thoroughly done by burning the grain
field that is attacked, by using the roll
Ter TO mash the worms, or by ditching
the field 10 prevent its further march.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

OFFENSIVE SMELL IN THE FEET
Bathe them in a weak solution of per-
manganate OF potassa; one scruple of
salt to eight ounces OF water.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23
POLISHING EERNIITKf

POLISHING FURNITURE. - To clean
furniture, especially the surface O. Il
finely polished piano, we will give our
lady friends receipt better than any
in the books. Take wash-bOwl half
full of tepid water and little fine
toilet soap and tablespoonful of sweet
oil. Dip a piece OF cold flannel in This,
and apply it 10 the wood. rubbing
vigorously for while; then exchange
this tor piece of old, soft, fine cotton,
not linen, as that leaves its tibres OF
lint, and Iub with this while. iuish-
ing with fresh piece OF the same rag
until the liquid application is thorough
ly removed. All these successive APP
plicat.ons To be III lde TO one particular
spot of the wood no longer than can he
worked with single stroke ofJhc arm,
ana that IL be finished before fresh
place il TO be treated. When the whole
piano has been done over in this wav
(it should take two hours, at least, to
do it welD, il will look as good as new,
and far better than ii rctini>hed by an
ordinary workman. This is the best
application for thai purple cloud that
comes over polished wood surface III
damp weather. or course iudicious
person will be very sparing of the Ii
quid, although she has wash-bowl
halt full OF it, and will not use enough
10 drip on ,he carpet, or TO penetrate Ia
the interior of the piano.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

A HORsEin Aiken County was fatal
ly stung by bees.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

NEVER allow a hen TO sit in a nest
that has been used for months with
out overha uling. When she gets
broOdy, give her a new, clean hest.
Examine the box to see whether there
are any lice in the corners. Whether
any are found or not it is safe thing
to treat it as Ii they were discovered TO
be in possession. Let little cOal-oil
run down the corners inside; then give
IL a thorough whitewashing. A hen
set in nest prepared thus is insured
against lice until the brood is out, af-
ter which the whole nest and box is 10
be again overhauled and treated ex-
actly Is if it were very lousy. Too
many are careless in this matter.
They complain of lice but do not ex-
ercise sufficient vigilance to keep them
away. 1t is much easier to keep them
off than to drive them away after they
have once got possession. Lousy hen
quarters are not profitable, nor are they
creditable. Clean out the lice.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

FALsTAFF was religious that is tC
say, sack-religious.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

WAGMORE: "NOw, girls, what queen
of antiquity surpassed even ritania in
her fondness for donkeys ?-You give
it up? Why, Dido, of course, for she
fell in love with any ass--E 1eas, don't
you see?"
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

"NoNE of your jaw" is what the
bather said when the shark tried to
scrape an acquaintance with him.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

The following advertisement APP
pears in Canadian paper: "WilI the
gentleman who stole my melons last
Saturday night be generous enough TO
return me few of the seeds, as they
are a choice variety? 20
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

AN attack has been made on Chicago
rum holes for selling liquor to minors.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

The RICHEsr HAY.-Grass made into
hay in such manner as TO retain the
most possible Of all its natural juices,
makes the richest and best hay. In
order to do this il should be exposed TO
the sun as little as possible, as bright,
clear sun is very apt 10 bur.l, and thus
reduce quality. Hay made in the shade
comes the nearest TO natural grass; but
this is impracUicable. The nearest az
prOach is ellher 10 cure In the cock,
with hay caps, or by constant, frequent
stirring with the Iedder; thus curing
i'll The air more, and stunning small pOr-
tions only. One days curing Is suili-
cienU, provided the air Is dry and dry
ing, where the grass Is dry when cut,
and does not yield over TWO and one
half tons of dry hay 10 the acre. Ii To
be left out over night, IL should be
Taked and put into cocks while yet
warm. before any dew begins TO fail in
the afternoon. The time when mois-
ture begins to collect in the afternoon Is
earlier Ihan most persons are aware OF;
therefore il is best 10 be in season.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

TEE use Of the soldiers drill is TO
make holes in the enemy.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23
DOM ESTIC.

A FEW mornings since western
editor was found ar his desk with four
teen bullets shot into his dy, his
skull crushed with a club, and six
knife wounds III his neck. lie was
dead. The cause for the terrible crime
was mystery, until some one picked
up a copy of the last issue of his paper
and discovered u Ike about the 'melOn-
collie da s." The coroner's jury rend-
cred verdict that the deceased came
To his death from a visitation of Divine
ProVi 'ence. Should the murderer sur
render himself to the authoriu ties, he
would be Immediately Il schargod and
presented with house and lot.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23
FARM AND GARDEN.

DAMPNEss IN HUUsEs.-Many house
holuers are sorely troubled by the
growth of fungi in damp rooms, 10
which they communicate, in Il short
time, an unpleasant smell and an un-
wholesome atmosphere. 1t is not only
our cellars that are apt to be affected by
fungoid growth, but the walls of The
adjacent rooms, and many bed rooms on
the ground floor are similarly rendered
useless after moist season. Many re-
NEEDLES have been proposed 10 destroy
this fungoid growth, or 10 prevent its
occurrence; but hitherto these remedies
have been 100 expensive or totally
inetfcacious. Recently an alcoholic
solu ion of five grammes of salicyhc
acid per liIre OF water tor washing the
walls of rooms has been recommended.
lhis Is exactly one-Ralf per cent, or
one part salicylic acid Tor 200 parts
liquid. No doubt the mold may be dc
slroyed temporarily by this as by many
other solutions, such, for instance, as
corrosive subIimate or carbolic acid.
The true remedy, however, Is not Tins
temporary eNpedient, nor attempting
TO hide the dampness by enamel paiuts,
etc. il is TO cut oil the source OF moist
ure and To nut the waterproof materials
outside and not inside the walls.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

WHEN it blows in Illinois it blows
hard. A man sitting in his house at
SAtl man, eating pie, heard the storm
coming and ran TO the door. The gale
ii ST blew the house down and then
seized the man, carried him through
the air hundred yards or SO, and
landed him in peach tree. Soon after
wards friendly board from his own
house came tloHting by. This he seized
and placed over his head 10 protect
himself from the raging blast. Under
this shelter he finished his pie. The
above is related as verItaOle occur
renee.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

Vermont has population Of 1884,
4o5 gain of 1904 in ten years.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

with TWO parts Of god alcohuiic
shellac varnish one part of boiled lin
seed oil, shake well, and apply with a
pad formed of WOODEN cloth. Rub the
furniture briskly with a little of the
mixture until the polish appears. This
is probably as good as the more COM
plicated poliShes.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23
T AIDES KEEPERS-Yon 60,

AIDES EEPERS-You eau
- ct Choice Goods ch by wiring on =
P1sta' Tor ur Pr.ce List, which enables you TO Or
der by mail the best way, ard sc the many Einds
OF Mercnandse We keep for sale At surprisingly low
Jrices We send samples Of Hamburgs, LAcss Rib
6o1s Fringes, &c, if requested. We sell holesAIs
and Retail Tor Cash down. new combnau "a
system enables us to quote very Ulnse prices. We
have s.: 81 AMI S5 packages f notions which cam
not be bought for twice he moneV elsew here, all
wanted III every family. Mona returned If not sat.
tsiac.ory. UGHT N K DUTTON,
% fremont ST., Boston, Mass
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

Where the farmers wife has large
washing To do, she can save half her
time and labo, by using DObbin's Elec-
tric Soap. (made by Cragin Il Co., PM
G'a.) One pounl of it is equal to
three of any other. Try il.
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

Uses OF STALE BREAD D-l. Make a
dressing of meat-cTumb il lin; turn
hot broth over it, season, add butter
and well beaten egg, or more, accord
ing to quantity. =. Make bread pud-
ding-soak two hours In sweet milk,
then beat eggs. sugar and spices, and
bake. / sometimes add fruit. 3. Male
biscuit-soak over night in sour milk,
mash fine with the hand, mix in your
biscuit for breakfast, adding salt, lard
and soda. They are better than with
out the stale bread. ~. Make pancakes
or gem'-soak over night in milk.
add well-belten eggs, corn meal and
Graham flour TO make Il batter, and
soda and salt, or bake on gridd.e or in
a gem ran. 3. Crumb fine and put in
the next omelet you make. 6. Toast
your bread; set pan of milk on the
stove but do not remove the cream from
il; add butter and salt, dip the bread
in this and send to the table for supper
or breakfast. 7. Crumb fine and put
in your tomatoes when you are stew
ing them. g. Pound fine, season and
roll oysters or fish in them, and fry
ia nice lard
Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1880-09-23

Those answering an advertisement VIII
confer a favor upon the advertiser and the
publisher by stating that they saw the advsr.