Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-01-05

A hypocrite is man who tries to be
pious and can't, with preponderence
of can't.
A fugitive murderer in Kentucky was
pursued, captured and taken to Jail by
his own father.
1t it difficult to understand why wife
never asks her husband "if the doors are
all locked" until he is snugly covered up
in bed.
"You just take bottle of my medi-
cine" said quack doctor to consump-
tive, "and you'll never cough again"
"Is is SO fatal as that? p grasped the con-
sumptive.
A correspondent writes to paper to
know what is good for cabbage worms.
The editor replies "Bless your soul, man
cabbage, of course. A good, plump cab
bage will last several worms a week"
Contemplate your first baby-you
will remember that he Amounted to a
good deal and something over-Mark
7acain. True, true ;he amounted to a
good deal, and something to carry
Chicago Journal.
A lady engaged to be married, and
getting sick of her bargain, applied to a
friend to help her unite the knot before
it was too late. "Oh, certainly she re-
piled !; sit is easy to unite it now while
it is beau-knot.'
A bald-headed professor, reproving a
youth for the exercise of his fists, said,
''We fight with our heads at this college,
The young man reflected moment and
then replied, "Ah, / see and you butted
all your hair off,"
j Iowa boasts of farmer who for thir-
teen months past has drank ten gallons
of water daily. and then goes to bed
thirsty every night. 1t is thought the
cause of the late protracted drouth has
now been discovered.
A gentleman learned in the origin Of
social customs was asked the meaning oil
casting an old shoe after newly-marriec
couple as they start on their trip. HI
said: ITO indicate that the chances Of
matirmony are very slippery"
In these words correspondent lately
introduced piece of poetry to the notice
of the editor of newspaper: The fol
lowing lines were written fifty years agc
by one who has for years slept in hi
grave merely for his own amusement
At small watering place in Ireland
a lady strolled long way up the shor'
for the purpose of indulging in quie
batbe. She arrived at length at "a seclu
ded spot, and was just thinking of "di
vesting herself" when native appear
eb on the scene. Guessing her eviden
intention. and with characteristic geno
rosity. thinking he would do her servio,
Pat approached and said, "Strip, marin
and bedad DILL kape watch for ye.'
The lady bathed not.
. An energetic temperance man met
neighbor on the street badly under tn
} influence of liquor. He determined t.
assist the neighbor home. With mucl
: trouble the two started, and the abstain
er was put to it to keep himself and hi
wabbling companion from falling int
,, the gutter. In his drunken enjoymen
the inebriate sang and yelled until hi
! home was reached, when he noisily pei
: sisted in being accompanied into th
: house by his friend, who stoutly refuse
: to go. The noise finally awakened th
|; neighbors, and in few moments head
E were out of the windows in all direc
tions. Whats the trouble p aske
one. "Nussing. missing. ash ALL yel
ed the drunken man. "cept Mr.. s.
and mes out on thunderin' big drunk
! and I'm trying to get i'm home.