Northern tribune. [volume] (Cheboygan, Mich.) 1875-1885, 1880-01-24

AMATEUR HEATHEN.
THE small-boy who has been we'll and
piOusly brought up hates the heather.
fhouph policy cOmpels him to conceal his
feelings. He envies the heather small
bow, and at the same time 10 ks upon
him as selfish and remOrseless absOrber
of Christian pennies. This is natural
and inevitable. The small-bOy is told
that his heather contemporary goes con-
stantly barefOOted, wears very little
clothing, is never washed, never goes to
school, and is never taught anything
that is good and useful. Moreover, the
heather small-bOy lives in a country
where tigers and other delightful wild
beasts abound, and where the exciting
spectacle of a widow burning to death
in company with her husbands corpse
an attraction which no circus in this
country has had the enterprise to offer
is frequently exhibited free. OF course,
the small-dOy of Christian lands enyies
the blessed lot Of his heather brother,
and would give worlds had he, too, been
born heather. Now, when this enyi-
Gus small boy is compelled to give sc
per cent. of his pennies to the heathen
he feels that it is both unreasonable and
unjust, and his anger burns against the
heather small-bOy, who, although rolling
in every kind of heather luxury, meanly
abSOrbS the scant wealth of Small-bOys
who have had the misfortune to be born
in Christian countries. He cannot avoid
noticing that the grown up folks who
think that he should give One-half of his
pennies to the heather, do not divide
their own property in that way, and he
never drops a quarter in the collectors
box without feeling that he is the victim
of moral blackmailing.
Now and then there arises a small boy
with gigantic intellect, and degree OF
courage which marks him as born
leader of his race. 1t is the exceptional
small boy of this variety who heads ex-
petitions against the Indians and organ
ICES gangs of juvenile highwaymen
That these enterprises do not meet with
success is due to forces beyond his con-
troll, but they display the greatness OF
his intellect and the holiness of his
character. Of this type of small boy is
Master Jaggars, of North Meriden
Conn.,, who lately devised an ingenious
and entirely novel scheme Of arrestins
the flow of American copper coins to tn,
heather pockets of juvenile India.
Some two months since, Master Jag
gars, who had painfully accumulated
the sum of twenty-five cents, with &
view to an expected circus, was com
PEELED to cOnsecrate fifteen cents tt
the hated small boys of India. 1t wa
this last of a long series of pecuniar,
OutrageS that determined him to take ;
bold stand against missionary assess
ments, and he, therefore, summoned /;
mass-meeting of small boys on Saturda,
afternoon at Deacon Pratt's barn, Os
tensibly with view to rats, but reall,
In order to propose a plan OF defenS'
against heather Entertainments.
Master Jaggars made moving speecl
in which he glOwingly described tn,
luxury in which the heather small DO.
wallOws. HE amt washed, and he Cal
wear just as little clOZe as hesermine
ter. There amt no school for him, MOI
no Sunday, you bet. He can go swim
min every day, and can just lay off or
the bank and see the crOcOdiles scoop il
washerwOmen and such. Then his bacl
yard is chuck full of tigers and hipO
pOmusses, and no end of snakes, and b,
can steal his dads gun and shoot ZEN
out OF the back window. This is thu
chap that rakes in all our money, and
say it's morn we ought to stand. Nov
/ move that we all turn heather our
selves. The folks can't make us wasl
and go to school if we're heather, ant
all the other boys will have to put vi
their money for u.s." 1t is needless Il
say that this speech received tumultuou
applause. H0Wls of execratiOn went VI
as the luxuries of the hated heather
were described, and the proposal t,
adopt heathenism as a profession wa
unanimously supported. A slight tenn
p0rary opposition was manifested b,
Master Sabin, who maintained that ii
order to become heather they must frs
have their eyes put Out-a theory Whicl
was based upon a misinterpretatiOn o.
the hymn which speaks of ''the heather
in his blindness" The director. how
ever, was soon convinced of his error
and expressed thereupOn a hearty desir,
to become heather.
The details of the scheme were all ar
ranged by Master Jaggars. A plaste
bust of Mr.. s. j. Tilden was decided 10 b
ugly enough to serve as an idol, and tn
amateur heather placed it on an empt,
barrel in the barn, and bowed down t
~ Will nuCu SloS1tys 1uCJ ulOSdiuC'
all their clothing except towel twistet
around the waist, and blackened thei
entire bodies with burnt cork. Their,
could be no doubt that they were yer,
successful heather in appearance, and
as ltwas late in the afternoon, they re
solved TO spend the night in the barn
to breakfast on the spOils of Deacon
Pratt's orchard, and to attend Sunday
school in a body, in order to collect
tribute from the Christian BOYS. Thu
Sunday-scho0l opened as usual the mex
morning, although the absence of clever
boys created a good deal of remark
Soon after the exercises had begun, the
teachers were astOunded at the entrance
of Master yaggars and his ten associate
heather. 1t is only fair to say that the
heather behaved themselves with al
much propriety as their professional du
ties would permit. Master Jagers ad
vanced to the Superintendent and re
marked, IF you please, Sir, we've al
turned heather. There amt no fOOlin
about it. We've got a frst-class old