Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1880-07-28
The Deadly Parasoi.

Few people have any idea of the amount
of eyes that are annually ruined by the para
soils of small wives. In the year 1879, ii
is estimated that in the United States alone
two hundred and sixty eyes were totally
put out, and seven hundred and nine were
more or less injured. No accurate table
of the number of divorces produced by the
same cause has been made, but the fact
that about two-thirds of all the divorced
men in the State of Illinois are one-eyed
gives us some idea of the extent to which
the parasol in the hands of a wife objec-
tionably small ruins the peace of families.
What is the proper remedy for this giant
evil? This is question for every man who
contemplates taking small wife. 1t will
not do to increase the length of the para
sol-handie inversely as the height of the
| wife. There is a certain standard of length
for the parasol-handle beyond which it can
not be increased, for the reason that when
the handle is too long the parasol does not
cast shadow which can be kept in posi-
ton over bonnet with any certainty.
Equally impracticable would be any device
for increasing the height of wives, so as 10
bring their parasols above the level of their
husbands eyes, Already the boot-heels
are made as high as possible, and if any
attempt is made to increase their height,
women would be totally unable to walk.
Of course the wise men who are still un-
married, and who know the dangers that
accompany the parasol of the small wife,
can resolve to marry no woman whose
parasol will not at least reach six inches
above the level of his eyes, but the man
who is already married to a small wife
cannot better his situation by making good
resolutions as 10 the selection of his second
wife
1t may be SAID that the small wife
should be required to hold her parasol in
such away as not to endanger her hus-
bands eyes. OF course, this is physically
possible, but he knows little of the nature
of women who fancies that any wife will
submit TO dictaiIon as to how she shall
carry her parasol When her husband re-
marks, "There my dear, my other eye is
gone." she merely says, ''How can you be
so stupid" and calmly lays all the blame
on him, If requested to keep her parasol
out of her husbands eyes, she either fatty
refuses and tells him to mind his own
affairs-as if he had no right to feel any
interest in his eyes-Or she bursts into
tears, and says If he cannot walk with her
without insulting her he had better stay at
home The parasol is probably dearer to
a woman than any other earthly thing, and
she will carry it in what she considers
the proper way, though all the male sex
should be blinded thereby.
The only apparent defense against the
parasol is to cover the ends of its ribs with
large India rubber tenders. On each end
should be placed a sphere of solid rubber
of at least an inch in diameter. BY no
possibility could the human eyebe injured,
by contact with so large and soft sub
stance, and the husband of a small wife.
whose parasol should be thus rendered in
nocuous, could walk with her in a crowded
street in safety, 1t is evident however,
that nothing except stringent legislation
will induce the women Of our country to
consent to have their parasols decorated
with rubber spheres. If merely requss-
ted to do 50 by their husband, they will ur-
hesitatingly refuse, and in most instances,
will asset that the request is deliberately
intended to make them ridiculous. The
Legislature, however, can very properly
make and enforce laws for the protection
of the eyes of male citizens. That wo-
man should be allowed to carry a weapon
that constantly menaces her husband with
blindness is reproach to our civilization.
We forbid men to carry pistols and knives,
and we should equally forbid women TO car
ry the dangerous and sometimes deadly
parasol now in constant use.