Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1880-09-10
F. u n

F. u N
HE WAS ON HAND.-lt was dark in the
depot one day when the evening train
came in. An elderly farmer was backed
up against the Partition, watching in
open mouthed wonder the big putting en-
CINE, and the yellow covered cars as they
discharged their passengers, when hand
some young girl in a sealskin cloak dashed
forward, and throwing herself upon the
honest granger's manly breast, imprinted
a kiss upon his sunburt cheek, and ex-
claimed:
You dear old pa, knew you would be
waiting for me! And how is mother, and
how's Jennie and how1s John-and oh
I'm SO glad to get back-and where's my
trunk-and oh! pa, you take my check and
let us hurry
The granger was old and kind of dried
up; and he had never known what it was
to have wife, much less daughter. He
mistrusted the young lady in the sealskin
sack had made a mistake, but instead Of
stammering and hemming and having. he
came CALAMITY up to the scratch, and
throwing both arms around the fair crea-
ture. he made up his mind to be father
to her or die in the attempt. Imprinting
kiss like the report Of pistol on her
cheek, he enthusiastically CALCULATED:
sob, yer mothers well, an John an
Henry an (smack) an Sally, an Susan,
(smack, smack) an Horace an Belinda
an Calyin (smack) an Joshua an Peter,
tsmack, smack, oh, they're all smart an
healthy am
By the time the young lady's friends
could get to her, she had slid into stony
faint, and they had to tug her home in
hack, while the aged granger. as he finish
ed the third, round with her outraged
young man. and sauntered out of the de-
pot, leaving him with bad eye and rup-
tured coat, chuckled to himself:
The old mans gettin' ole an stiff an
careless like, but when any young females
want to play ct games of Copenhagen,
they'll find him right on time; an
shouldn't he s'prised if it rained fore nine
O'Clock. G lang, Kate!"
A dry goods clerk, not thousand miles
from Titusville- of those dainty crea-
lures whom nature made especially to
measure tape, recently took his inamorata
out riding. Coming to stream they
stopped to let the horse drink, but as the
check rein was fastened the animal could
not get his head down. The nice young
man studied the situation for a while to
discover the difficulty, and finally triumph
antly pounced upon the crupper and grave
" unbuckled it.
A Toronto patent medicine man recent
~ ruined the sale of his s'Cure all Butter'
by publishing testimonial from a man
who asserted that this wife, who had not
been able to speak above whisper for five
years, had her voice completely restored by
the use Of one bottle.'' When the Toron-
to man realized the effect of the publica-
ton he wrung his hands and said, IAN en-
envy hath done this thing"
Several strangers entered town, and
while waiting for a train went into
neighboring bar room to have something
to take. A Gagged squirrel attracted their
attention, and the four placed their fingers
through the wires and bet drinks as to
which would be noticed first. They all
lost. Three lost the drinks and the fourth
lost thumb.
s'Will you be so kind, my little friend,
as to tell your grandmother that the man
who is taking the census would like to see
herp" said census taker to young miss
Of seven summers. The little one hesita-
ted an instant and then replied: eyes, sir;
I'll tell her, but I don't believe she has
any,"
II say, old lady," said man on a coun-
try road the other day. Ibid you see BIZ
cycle pass here just now?' mo, I didn It
see no kind of a sickle, mister; but just
now seen wagon-wheel runnin' away
with man. You kin believe it or not,
wouldn't if I hadn Il seed it myself
When man is young he spends much of
his time In parting his hair in the middle;
when he is old and bald he wastes much
more time in trying to make the ends Of
his sparse locks meet upon the polished
crown above.
A little North Carolina girl started off
on her first sea voyage late at night. and
on looking out of the stateroom window
in the morning called her mother in aston
ishment to see the front yard full of
water.
He was informed that lady had called
to see him in his absence. GA lady!" he
unused aloud-''a ladY!" Upon an accu-
rate description he suddenly frightened
up and added: s'Oh! dot vas no lady; dot
vas my wife,
The following advertisement appears in
q Canadian paper: "Will the gentleman
who stole my melons last Saturday night
be generous enough to return me few of
the seeds, as they are choice variety?"
The number Of one-armed young men
seen driving cut with young ladies' these
summer evenings is truly appalling. An
old soldier at our elbow says that one arm
is invariably lost during an engagement.
A young lady in the east-end ate half a |
wedding cake, and then tried to dream Of |
her future husband. Now she says thu { |
aha would father die than marry the man
-, n.v II, har dream