The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1880-10-16

|
Boston young lady to Boston young
gentleman: "And DO YOU think that
Kant's difference between the reason
and the understanding is correct ?''
yes" And, sir, what do you under
stahdT IL understand that / love
you, but cannot give any reason for
IT, They hire boat and 90 out to
catch crabs.
EMILY (playing at lawn-tennis with
the new curate)-'What's the game
now, Mr.. Miniver?" Curate-.Forty, =,
love-" Irreverent Gardener (over-
hearing)-"Did y'ever hear such i'm
pertlnence! Love, indeed! And him
not been in the parish above a week |!
Just like them parsonsl"
IHE pagoda-hat moustrOsity Is still
perpetuatcd on the heads Of children
whose mothers have lost or never had
an eye for the beautiful. 1t these
chlldren 20 to the bad, don't blame
them too severely. A grown person
could never be Christian under such
heathenish headgear.
AT Fulton Il widow, afflicted with q
singular mania, persisted in thinking
tnere was man hidden in the cellar
OF her house. 10 appease her fears the
nelghDors procured a wooden man,
dressed it up, shot 1t and threw it into
the rlYcr. Since then the woman's
nights are no longer sleepless.
A SMALL boy, boasting of his fathers
accomplishments said: "My father can
40 almost anything; he's notary pub
Tic ana he's an apothecary, and can
mend teeth, and he is doctor, and can
mend wagons and things, and can play
the fiddle; he's jackass ut all trades"
"Now, George, you must divide the
cake honorably with your brother
CHARLES" "What is honorable, moth
erT' " 1t means that you must give
him the largest piece" "'rhen mother,
ia rather Charley would divide it.'
"CAN dogs find their way home from
long distance7" asks an exchange.
It's according to the dog. If it's one
you want to get rid of, lie can find his
way back home from California. If it's
good one, he's apt to get lost if he
goes around the corner.
"WHAT did the Puritans come to this
country for?" asked Massachusetts
teacher of his class. "To worship in
their own way and make other people
do the same," was the reply.
IT mus have been tremendously en-
barrassing to that young sportsman,
who Is engaged to the parsons daugh-
ter, on arriving late in church with his
1a1r .fdncee, to hear the reverend man
read out: "My daughter isgriev-
ousy tormcnted with dcvil.o
TO you 1t Is sign he respects you; but
when he is seen divesting himself of
his coat you can make up your mind
that he intends you shall respect him.
WAGNER will come to this country
for one million dollars. We know a
man who will leave this country for
much smaller sum-provided Wagner
comes and brings his music along.
GALL thero!'' Clerk (who has called
to see tho gas meter)-"Is yours a wet
or dry meter, madam ?" Young wife
(who does not like to show ignorance)
-"Wen 1t Is rather damp, Pm afraid !"
A NEBRASKA Indian contrived to
swallow lot of dynamite, and now he
can stand around the corners and call
white man anything he chooses with
out being kicked for his insoIence.
They're shy Of Earring him even.
A LITTLE girl In church, after the
contribution plate had been passed,
cemplaccntly AID audibly said: ii
paid for four, mamma; was that
right?"
AT the close of sermon the minis
ter became impressive. Raising his
voice he said: "Judgment! judg-
mont!" and n small boy in the yesti-
bulc shouted: "Out on first!,
1T is about time the horse-racc, the
b0at-race, and the foot-race were
pitched into. A man always despises
these races when he loses money on
'em.
a WESTERN plumber takes half a
columen Of his local newspaper 20 ad-
vcrtise Cast Iron Snks.j But, great
Scott! who ever said it didn't7
AN exchange has an article on
"Smoking Minister'S" Most of them
are dry enough to smoke.
SCENE In an oyster house: "Sce here,
these oysters arc spoiled" '"rhat's
all right; put In twice rs many on
that account.
IN time OF war don't read between
the lines. You may be gobbled M.
lT Is believed that the word "neyern
has been crippled for life.
TIE mark Of cane-Dust on the
schoolboy's jacket.
IHE weather has caught mp with tho
almanac at last.
MAUD S. rY Is tho best policy.
NOW drown yonr Spitz dog.
"A PAIR OF sllppcrs-Two cells.
ss.s.sAa....~<s.p>s
GIVE ATTEHrloN At oNcR to anything sympto
m TIC or Cholera M0rDuS. DiarrhDi, or any
Bowel Co!npl tint, by using promptly Dr. Jaymcs
Carminat.Yc BaiSam. and tC,: ...ii avoid I'M, II
A ~