Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1880-04-23
the PHILOSOPHERS BABY

THE PHILOSOPHERS BABY.
had been considering for about year
whether l should marry Winifred Hanway,
when | heard that she was engaged to the
philosopher. Why did she accept him 1t
is true that he is both imaginative and criti-
cal, but faculties exercised in the formation
of psychological hypotheses and the laborious
destruction of those of ones neighbor do not
usually rouse the sympathy of a bright and
beautiful girl, who is more fit to live than to
think about life. He is certainly handsome,
but as certainly his clothes are barbarous.
His trousers cannot keep their shape for
day, and his hats are never new II he no.
tees the rain, be opens an umbrella which
might have served as an Intellectual protec-
tion at the time Of the deluge if he finds
out that it is cold. he assumes a garment
which might have been the everyday coat of
Methuselah. His manners are as strange as
his appearance. He may often be seen walk
ing in the park at the fashionable hour with
Il far.of look in his eyes, and his hat thrust
back as if to lessen the external pressure on
his active brain more rarely you may hear
hm bursting into enthusiasm at PiccadiDy,
though Piccadilly is the last place in which
man should allow himself to be enthusiastic.
In short, though he is true friend he is an
uncomfortable acquaintance and his volcan-
ic utterances, after long periods of calm con-
temptation, cause such shocks TO ones nerves
as would be conveyed to the Sunday citizen
by the eruption of Primrose Hill. But if it
was odd that the beautiful Winifred Hanway
should marry my friend, it was yet more odd
that he should marry any one. There were
no topics more certain TO excite an explosion
in the philosopher than the excessive popu-
lation of the country, and the wholesome sol
itt,I. pf
fercely ask ''can n man think effectually on
fundamental subjects. who is compelled by
the despicable circumstances of his life to eX-
haust his analytical faculty in considering
how to pay his butcher and when to buy his
Goals l tell you, sir, it's better to starve
with cold and hunger than to debase ones
noblest part to a game of skill with q grasp
ing grocer" Again and again | had heard
him declaim in this preposterous fashion ;
aud after all, he was going to the altar like
any other victim, and would doubtless take
house upon his back with the docility of a
snail.
/ could not solve the problem | would
not give it up. So, full of the determination
| to drag Diogenes out of his tub, and the Sc
cret out of Diogenes, | stepped round the
corner to offer my congratulations. My
friend was in his study apparently writing,
really eating quill pen. He rose to meet
me with n rush, wrung my hand till 1t ached,
and blushed rather uncomfortably. Congrat-
ulatons are the curse of the Briton. Wheth-
| or he is offering or receiving them, he is gen
orally obliged to take refuge in intermittent
| handshaking, and most of his sentences tail
| oil into grunts and groans. But on this oc-
casion it was evident that the philosopher
had something ready to say, aud was nery-
| ously anxious to say it. Indeed / had hardly
said more than My dear fellow, | don't
when l really am so awfully glad,
it's every way so, such a satisfac-
tory, You know | really do wish all
possible, and all that sort of thing, you
| know, when he burst in with speech so
huently delivered, that l knew was not his
earliest visitor that morning. ''Of course it's
taken you by surprise" he said "as knew
/ it would but the truth is, that have been
I thinking about il for a long time, and am
! sure am right" Here / tried TO get III an
expression of wonder at his new notion OF
! duty, but he was bent on being rid of the
matter, and hurried on to his reasons. "h
the first place" said he, Il am sure that in
stead of increasing my domestic worries, my
marriage will transfer them in body to my
wife; and secondly, when | consider the
vast number of fools who are every day born
! into the world, | am terrified by the picture
of what the next generation will be, If the
! thinkers of this are to be without SUCCESSORS.
| Having discharged his reasons in this wise,
the orator stood blinking at me as II he feared
| dissent but was too astOunded by his mag
ufcent audacity to reply. Slowly look OF
peace stole back into his face, pleasant light
dawned in his eyes, aud the promise of a
smile played at the corner of his mouth. His
remarkable luency was gone, and indeed hl'
voice sounded quite choky when he said
johnny, you don't know what an angel She
Z. A lfvl,s hrol IN, M
pher," | said, II believe you are going to be
married because you fell in love Z" per
haps you are right, said the philosopher.
After the wedding, the philosopher ant
his wife went abroad for an indefinite period
and their friends heard but little of them
He wrote to nobody, and she did not write tC
me. Yet there were occasional rumors. Now
they were breathing the air of the Engandine
now sinking to the chestnuts and vines oi
| Chavenna; now he was lashing himself tC
frenzy over the treasures of Rome now She
was gazing with sweet northern eyes across
the glowing splendors of the Bay of Naples
Then they were in Germany, and about L
settle for life in university town; but anoI
had fed from it in haste after long night
| dispute, in the course of which my Learned
friend had well-nigh come to blows with the
university's most celebrated professor.
At last heard that they were again in Lon
don, and, full of enthusiasm, darted roun'
the corner to welcome them home. Nobod!
was with them but Mrs. Hanway, Winifred'
mother l would enter unannounced an'
surprise the philosopher. l entered unan
nounced, and was surprised myself. Wa
this the effect of matrimony or OF torelgl
travel? Each occupant Of the room was en-
gagged in an exercise wholly unconnected, a
Il seemed, with those of the rest. My friend
wife, the lady whom I had almost loved
queen of all grace and comeliness, was ap
nearing and disappearing like fash behint
the days Times, showing at the moments o
disclosure a face flushed with excitement
and lustrous coils of hair tumbled into tn
widest disorder, while she accompanied tn
whole performance with strange and inartie
ula.e sounds. Her mother, the same Mrs
Hanway who was so perfect model OF dres
and carriage that many of her lady friend
were wont to lament among themselves tina
she gave herself such airs, was seated on tn
AooT dressed for walking but without he
bonnet. Yes, she was certainly drumming
"a