The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1880-12-25

heretofore.
A Baltimore clergyman recently preached on
the subject "Why was Lazarus beggar" We
suppose because he didn't advertise.
On one Of the postal cars near Washington
letter WAS found directed to "Hand Over Cart
Horse" 1t was sent to Hanover Court House.
~ declared" exclaimed q slOvenly writer, VI
wish could find pen that would just suit me-"
And instantly came chorus, "Try pig pen"
"Why are we herc?' was the subject of n
St. Louis clergymans sermon last Sunday morn
ing This is indeed hard question, with the
fare to Chicago down TO a dollar
John Begged is citizen Of Chicago The judge
of one OF the courts OF that city looked very
aueerly when John answered the question,
"What is your name, sirT'-IsorM Transcript.
Little tufts OF powder
Little daubs Of paint,
Make face deceitful
Look like that OF a saint.
Likewise judicious padding,
And hoops and purchased curl,
Transform the living skeleton
Into gushing girl.
The young preacher felt pleased when, at his
ordination, q venerable brother preached an I'm
pressive sermon showing that the young man
had been dyinely called to the ministry; but his
countenanee changed somewhat when he turned
to Matt xxi. and found that the text, "The
Lord hath need of him." referred to an ASS.
Felcia's pretty cousin wants TO know what 1t
means when a man tells her that he regards lace
and ribbons, and hundred other things in
which she takes an innocent pleasure, az useless
frippery. 1t means, young lady, that he will
have the same opinion after marriage, and If you
are wise you will leave it to some other woman
to hear him say 'No" when asked to open his
pocket-b book for the "useess" things.
The Hlghtstown Gazets is authorized TO correct
the report that George Shafer drove off an en-.
bankment and broke his neck, in the following
unimportant particulars |. The horse was not
seriously injured q They were not shot 3. The
team did not go over the embankment. 4. Sha-
fer did not break his neck. s. No such accident
occurred at Alairc or elsewhere in the vicinity
g. No such man is known in the country.
While the New York Sun admits that the Hon.
Dick Thompson, Hayes's secretary of the navy,
who recently resigned to accept the presidency
OF the Lesseps Panama Canal Company, was o
mariner accustomed from his boyhood to naviga-
ton. it maintains that his experience having been
confined to rectilinear navigation on the Wabash,
he knew no more Of great circle sailing than a
street car horsek nows OF the cvolutions OF the
circus ring; in fact, that he had nothing in com
mon with the ocean marines except the tobacco
habit and sort Of fresh water profanity that
was after all poor imitation Of the deep sea
article. Nevertheless there Is nothing small
about the Sun, and 1t pays Uncle Richard the
following touching farewell tribute in glowing
verse: ...s
FAREWELL, UNCLE RICHARD!
Oh what will become Of our navy now,
And who will mutiny quell,
When old Uncle Dick refuses to stick
To the job that he loved 80 well?
Oh, what will become of our ships, 30 gay,
But u general mess and wreck,
When soldiers must be the lords Of the sea,
And land lubbers rule the deckg r.r.
Oh, what will become OF our sailors bold
Our jolly good shipmates all,
When Richard the brave is far from the wave.
And digging new canawl?
Great fresh water seaman! we bid you farewell,
And prosperous still may you be, ...|
As you work like man to forward the plan
.. or Joining the sea aud the sea.
And while you are digging the big canawl,
And spending the money so free,
Atloat or ashore may you harm II no more
Than you damaged our great navee
Your jolly jack tars will send after you
Good wishes, good cheer, and good hope;
But however you fare, you must still beware
or the terrible toe OF the Pope
Mr.. Burdette, the "funny man. Of the B.rling
ton Ha,ckeye, generally has a serious purpose In
his fun, and breaches many an effective sermon
by means OF his witicisms. Here, for example,
is how he disposes OF the ingenious suggestion
oil Mr. Proctor, the astronomer, TO the effect that
Lots wife was not miraculously turned into q
pillar of salt but buried under uneteoric show.
er OF sodium; Now this simpi6es it, This
brings 1t out Of the fancful realm of the super.
natural, and places 1t within the credible sphere
OF every day events. We always had very grave
doubts about the pillar OF salt business, but when
science kindlyexplains that the poor woman was
simply buried under meteoric fall Of sodium.
then we can readily acceptit. There is nothing
singular, remarkable or unusual about that
Very few people are there, indeed, who do not
know OF hundreds Of instances In which their
friends and acquaintance have been caught out
in shower Of sodium and buried. 1t is wonder.
ful, indeed, how science smplides the miracles "
Mr.. NOBODY.
know funny little man, - q
As quiet as a mouse, -..---
VINO does the mischief that Is done
In everybOdys house.
There's no one ever sees his face,
Aud yet we all agree
That every plate and cup was cracked
BY Mr.. Nobody.
Ills be who always tears our books.
Who leaves our doors ajar s
lie pulls the buttons from our sbirts
And scatters pins afar.
That squeaking door will ALWAYS soueak
For, prithee, don't you see, y
We leave the oiling to be done
'- By Mr.. Nobody!