Daily Republican., 1880-01-22
HUMOROUS.

1
Chaplain MoCabs told q fresh and very
| Oh racteristic story OF Bishop Amss In
| our efice last week. The Bishop had
been holding Conference. The ap'
pointmsnts were read of, and he was
about to leave the church. Everybody
seemed satisfied with the arrangement
Of the work for another year except one
brother. He had hair lip and re-
msrkabls lisp in his speech. As tbs
Bishop wended his way slowly down
the aisle this brother, evidently greatly
disomfitted, stopped him and said, with
. lisping accent:
"Brother Aimes, | won't go to my
appointment this year. I'll locate be-
fore I'll 20. Didn't my Presiding FL
der tell you wouldn't go back there
again 7"
"What's the matter, brother 7" said
the Bishop, mildly sis not the place
good enough for you 7"
"Yes, It is good enough for me, but
the parsonage is fall Of bed bugs, and
my wife says she won't 60 back there
any more And | won't go, either.
We have done all we could to stop the
cracks up In the wall in vain"
The Bishop folded his hands over his
capacious breast, arched his Olympian
eyebrows, and said:
"That will be pretty story to tell In
the great day-that the bed bugs drove
you of the walls Of Zion."
The hair lip quivered with laughter
for moment, and then the brother
broke down. went back to his work and
did q good work in spite Of the annoy
ing vermin.-"Zion Herald"
WoMAN's soPTENINe IEPLURNOB.-"lts
astonishing" remarked the old forty
miner this morning as he nodded over
his glass to our reporter, ''it's aston
ishin' what q coward man is at home
"A regular crawlin' sneak, by Jove /!
I've travelled q good bit and held up
my end In most Of the camps on the
coast sencs 40. I've got three bullets
inside O. me. I've shot and have been
all shot at, an never hear anybody
say | hadn't as good grit as most fel-
lsrs that's goin'. But at home I'm q
kyote. Afore I'D lot the old woman
know that her hot biscuit wasn't A l
when Its like stiff imalgam, I'D fll my
self as full as o retort. I've done II
lots o. times. Most o. my teeth is gone
from tuggin' on besfsteaks that the old
woman has fried. Dye think roar
out and cuss when 60 over chair in
the dark' No sir. While Pm rubbin'
my shins an keepin' back the tears
Pm likewise sweatin' fur fear the old
woman has been woke by the upset.
II didn't use to be &c." sighed the
poor fellow thoughtfully rubbing his
shining scalp. "When we was first
hitched thought l was superinten-
dent, settled down to shown the car
at low wages. kim Click any man o.
my age an sizs," cried the old gentle
man, banging the saloon table with his
wrinkled fst. "I'll shoot, knife, stand
up or rough and tumble for coin, but
when hang my hat on the peg in the
hall an take of my muddy boots, an
hear the old woman ask II that's me,
tell you the starch comes right out O.
me-"
To OUR orRLs.--Now that you are
being courted, you think, Of course, it
is all very well and that it will be
nicer when you get married. But it
won't. He thinks he's going to keep
on this high pitch Of love all the time.
But he won't. He doesn't know him
self and you don't know him. 1t can't
last. 1t must cool down. When he
sees you as many times day as he
wants to and mayb more, when he sees
your head done up regularly every
morning in curl papers and the bloom
is all off the rye, when your home con-
tains good deal Of wash tub, cradle
and cook stove, he won't stand for an
hour or two in front of the house
out in the cold watching the light
in your window. He'll be thinking
rather Of getting out of the house.
Young woman, protract that courtship
as long as you can. Let well enough
alone. A courtship in hand is worth
two marriages in the bush. Don't mar
ry until Christmas after next.-N. Y.
Graphic.
A man was arraigned iu Little Rock
on a charge Of carrying q revolver.
"Haven't you got better sense than to
carry a pistol like thisf" asked the
Judge, holding up pepperbox pistol.
eyes, SIR" Don't you know that
the law says you shall be fined $25?
"Yes, sir; but didn't know 1t was any
harm to carry such pistol. "But
1t is, sir. Any man that would car
ry such a pistol ought to go to
the penitsntiary for life. Suppose
you were to get into fight, havingsuch
a pistol. While you were trying to
shoot the other fellow would run away.
You may 90 this time, but If | ever
bear Of you carrying such worthless
pistol again I'll get up petition to the
Governor and have you hung. No won
der we are slandered at the North,
when such trifling men as you are car
rying pistols that could only hurt a man
by lying on his stomach .and refusing
to digest"
SLANG Our OF SEAsoN.-Young Pink
Ter is anything but deep, but still he
has memory for all slang expressions.
The other day at little social party
he mentioned the fact that the chief
clerk in the office in which he is en-
ployed had resigned. "And you've
got the vacancy, suppose, Pinky ?"
jokingly inquired one of the boys.
"Oh, yes," sarcastically assented Pink
Ter: "Pve got the vacanoy--in my
mind" "Yes, that's So" giggled the
prettiest girl in the room, and then,
strange to say, everybody laughed, and