West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1880-05-01
WIT AND HUMOR.

WIT AND HUMoR.
THERE was very pleasant gift party
the other evening, aud the company
sang, We give mp all for heaven with
great feeling; but the next day the
minister expressed desire TO resign.
lie SAID that three quarts OF beans. a
pillow ease OF dried apples. two pounds
oil head cheese,a pan of twisted dough-
nuts and a calico dressing-gown were
undoubtedly very valuable i'm their
way, but they seemed to form an un-
natural basis to preach sound theology
from"
DEAN CowPER, of Durham. who was
very economical of his wine, descant
ing one day on the extraordinary per-
for'nance of man who was blind, re-
marked that the poor fellow could see
10 more than "that bottle" 81 do
not wonder at IL at all, sir" replied
MIR. Drake, minor canon, "for we
Lave seen no more than "that bottle"
all the afternoon"
WHEN certain man had been made
the Project of small village he
bought his wife new fur garment.
She, proud of her finery, and full of
her husbands new honors, entered
church just as the congregation rose to
thelr feet to hear the gospel read, She,
thinking this was done out Of repect TO
her, and recalling her former condi-
tlon' said graciously, ''sit down, good
people! l have not forgotten 1 was
once poor!"
CATHOLIC Americans and Others !
send SIX cents for specimen of the
illustrated Catholic american. IL BAR
clay ST., New York. Bright pictures
stories, poems, aud sketches.
"MY dears, / m ISIS something or
somebody, can't tell what or Who. ("
said Jones TO his children, as he sat
down to tea the other night. "P'rhaps
us mother" said little Billy, ''she's
gone over TO aunt jones to tea.D The
child was right. 1t was Mrs Jones who
was missed, and Jones remarked In
continuance, "Well, let's have a quiet
supper"
DANIEL DREW originated the term
'watered stock" lie was droyer I'm
early life, and one day when a party
desired to sci him some inflated stock lie
said: THAT stock makes me think of
OLD farmer Brooks, up in Put who
used to salt and water his stock to
make the cattle weigh heavy when he
sold them !" The broker told the story
III the street, and 1t became an adage.
a LITTLE hvc-year-Old friend. who
was always allowed TO choose the pref
tiest kitten for his pet and his play
mate, before the other musings were
drowned, was taken to his mothers
SICK room the other morning 10 see two
tlny, rev, twin babies. He looked re-
Hectively from one to the other for a
minute or two, then poking his chubby
hnger into the check OF the plupest
baby, he said decidedly, save This
one"
WHAT shall bring you Tor dess ert.
SIR! said polite waiter at Il fashion,
ahle hotel, as he commenced removing
u formidable array of empty dishes
from before guest, evidently from the
rural districts. "Now, young man"
SAID he, jest you give me time; all
you We got TO do now is TO fill all them
dishes up again the same as they were
before, and bring 'em here; bvmebv
wen talk aboutyOur pies and puddins.o
DANCERS are Informed that the
liverpool lurch" and the "Boston
dip" have been replaced by the "Bos-
ton grip" and the "South-Sea cuddle.' ,,
We have often wondered why the grace
FIJI "SOuth-Sea cuddle" didn't replace
the awkward Liverpool lurch6 or
Boston dip" We never heard of II
before, but there must be more poetry
of motion about It.
IMPnRTANT.- DO not let your Druo-
glst palm off on you any new. chean
remedy for colds when you inquire for
Dr. BULBS Cough Syrup or you will be
disappointed. Price, % cents bottle
-~S$
"WHY, Jimmy" said one profession
al beggar TO another care YOU going
to knock of already? It's only two
o'clock" "NO you mutton head" re-
spOnded the other, who was engaged i'm
unbucklIng his crutch, "I'm only
going to put it on the other knee. You
don't suppose fellow can beg all day
on the same leg, do you"
a young man who became engaged
10 the daughter of plumber last fan
has broken off the match. He expected
W MARRY All nelress, DuC owing TO the
mild winter her father didn't make two
hundred dollars, and "a this was his
first season I'm business for himself. the
almshouse is now staring him in the
face.
a ScoTCHMAN having n warm dispute
with London cabman about his fare,
said "Id haze ye ken Pm a MackiE-
tOsh' to which the ireverent oobb,,
replied, "You may be q umbrelIar for
all know but my fare is heighteer
pence.
a LECTURER was explaining TO a lit
Tie girl now lobster cast his shell
when he had Outgrown It. Said he:
what do you do when you have out
grown your clothes? You cast them
aside, do you not2" con, not" re-
piled the little one; eve let out the
tucks."