The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-01-22
PASSING SMILES.

know, =" II large ears denote genOrOSlGys
why mule squanders his hind legs?"
A WESTERN firm named Nice & Good
have bookkeeper named Simmonds,
and he signs receipts thus: :" Nice q
Good, per Simmonds."
HUMAN blood corpuscles average
5000 to an inch, and in hogs, 4,200.
But fortunately you can tell hog with
out the aid of science.
TRYING to chew caramels with false
teeth ranks with trying to unite shoe
string with mittens on your hands, or
to do business without advertising.
DOES an umbrella express surprise
when it has two under? You may have to
wonder for some time what this means.
It's shady. Keep it dark. Let it go
on further.
A FASHION magazine says: listers
will be worn somewhat longer this
winter" Well, then, by George, the
men who wear them have got to wear
stills, that's all.
HE looked as wise as an owl, did he,
His tricks were well adjusted,
He declined to advertise, you see,
And in q year he busted.
HUMANITY takes pride in insisting
that virtue is i,s own reward. and yet
how mad we get when a rich old codger
offers US three cents for having fished
him out of the mill-pond. 3f
A HORSESHOE is considered sign of
good luck when you own about 900
pounds of good horse flesh on which to
nail it. Otherwise it works in better
as old iron.
!" How is your wife, Mr.. Smith,
says Smith, pointing to where his wife
a. Of n hIg
coat. "She's sew-sew." Mr.. Jones
/" Oh, see; she's mending, sure
enough" Boston Transcript.
GA1LY the maiden went out to skate,
On the face Of the frozen pond;
And her lover still in sadness waits,
For she's gone to the home beyond
Where It don't freeze. ~
[ NEARLY 300 Italian emigrants are
on their way to this country in one
colony. Now look out for revival of
Italian opera "Koom pah tuah, tnah-
tnah-thah DOM pah, tuah, tnoon tnah
tnah. Gifa de mongee fva cent. !"
SCENE-A public dining room on the
avenue" What's that? a, niger
funeral?' "No, sir" replied an indig-
nant waiter "Not if we Sons of Ham
know ourselves; it would have been
niger funeral twenty years ago.
Now it's a colored interment."
"That's right" Indignantly shouts an
aggrieyed woman's journal, resenting
some attack upon the gentler sex.
That's right; give it to the womenP'
Dear woman;s journal, that is just ex-
actly about what we do with all OF it,
| just as fast as we can earn it.
Mr.. LINCOLN used to tell a story
about big Hoosier who came to Wash
ington during the war and called on a
street Arab for shine. Looking at the
tremendous boots before him. he called
out to a brother sinner across the street:
Come over and help, Jimmy; I've got
an army contract"
And how is yeurs rcighbor, Mrs.
Brown?, 1nq qa..ed one nicely dressed
lady of another. "She's we'll enough,
suppose. l haven't seen her for six
weeks" Why, / thought you two
were on the most friendly terms. f"
=" Well, we used to be; but we've ex-
changed servants. 49,
If the Elmira people insist on erect
ing a monument to the memory of
Adam, we think that the dressmakers
and milliners should erecta monument
! to the memory of Eve, who did SO much
for their business. We have often
thought the apple and serpent job was
put up by the dressmakers and millin-
| ers. E @ a.ifIa8
/" Do animals have fun?'' asks some
unobserying individual Ofcourse they
| do. When q cow switches her tail
across the face of the man who is milk
ing her, steps along Just two yards, and
turns to see him pick up his stool and
| follow, she has the most amused ex-
preston on her face possible, and ifshe
4 can kick over the milk pail she grows
positively hilarious.
4 THE annual auction of merchandise
| that has accumulated in the dead lett
Office was held in Washington a few
days ago, and among the articles were
"a pair Of socks, set of false teeth,
six bars of soap, two spring garters, a
mans shirt, and col lkscreN." Well,
we'll. Here we have been wondering
for a whole year what had become of
those two-of those : of that corkscrew.
1t appears that 1T went to the dead
letter office.
MAMMA" said a youngster, wasn't
Adam the first man?'' Yes, my son."
replied his mother. g And was he an
4 Ohio man?'' 'No, of course It.
Adam lived long before Ohio was ever
thought Of" said the surprised ma
ternal ancestor. /" Well, didn't know,
but I heard man down town tell father
all the first men came from Ohio, and
i thought Adam must come from the
same place. The boys mother gave
him some instruction on the difference
between profane and sacred history
aSteubenvile Herald s4
WHEN the enterprising builder isn't buildin'-
| Isn't buildin-
He loves to lie and watch his buildings fall
And estimate the number that are pulverized and
| Rized and killed in
The mansion with the eight-inesh e party % wail-
A NEWSPAPER item says that Joe
Jefferson, ownsthe best orange orchard
in Louisiana. Well, he has not got
much to brag of. We charged on one
of the best orange orchards in that state
once with company of cavalry, cap
tured it without firing gun, and then
the ora, ges were so sour that one OF
them would shut a soldier up like
jack knife in four minutes. We tried
to find the owner of the orange grove to
arrest him for treason, in raising sour
oranges in times of war, but he had
waltzed away on mule.-Peck's Ma-
,oaukee Sun.
Not Panorama.
An old man with satchel and cane
| ~ front pf fha nafrplt