Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-03-15

horse so spurious that it always goes off
on decanter.
Lawyers are never more in earnest
than when they work with will-that
is if the estate is valuable.
There is lady in Saratoga who is so
fashionable that she wont eat boarding
house butter unless the hair is banged.
A noted botanist says there are 42,O
different kinds of weeds in the United
States. He must have seen our garden.
"A beautiful woman. says sentimen-
talist. is queen before whose scepter
men bow. Yes, and scrape too. Scrape
around to get money enough to keep her
in store clothes.
One of the advantages of living in
Leadville is that man who has been
there two months is recognized as an old
settler and is allowed to lie about the
weather as much as he wishes.
A Sunday school teacher at Bridge
port last Sunday asked her class if any
one could tell who went into the ark with
the animals, and after brief silence, a
bright youngster answered, P. T.
Barnum.
"Do animals resist temptation ?" asks
Popular Science, and the editor theories
on the subject for three hours, instead
of going out and making a practical ex-
pertinent by shaking red rag at goat.
Boston Post.
The Burlington Hawkeye says that
man never feels more forcibly how true
it is that "kind words never die" than
when his love letters are read out, to the
absorbing interest of all present, in a
breach of promise suit.
A Quaker having sold fne-looking,
but blind horse. asked the purchaser,
"Well, my friend. dost thou see any fault
in him p None" was the reply.
Neither will he ever see any in thee"
said honest broadbrim,
Nothing so deeply impresses young
man with the unwarrntable and tyranni-
cal assumption of parental authority
than, just as he is making up to girl at
the church sociable to ask her if he NAV
go home with her. to hear her old father
snarl from the hall Come long, Emme-
line p
A little five yeat old girl was taught
to close her evening prayer during the
temporary absence of her father, with :
And please watch over my papa. 1t
sounded very sweet. but the mother
amazement may be imagined when the
child added: And you'd better keep an
eye on mamma too.
The woman who doesen't scream when
candle bug crawls down her back, is
she who later in life can keep boarding
house, blow the dining-room girls up till
they think the day Of judgment has ar
rived. then 60 smiling to the parlor and
receive her victims with an easy grace
that is as soothing as dose of morphine.
See the moon, said lady to her
nephew, bright little boy of five, as
they sat looking out of the window the
other day. The moon, said the little
man; you can't see the moon in the day
time Yes, you can, continued his aunt ;
there it is over the trees. The little
fellow had to admit that he saw 1t but
added; 'Taint lighted any way.
"If [ should marry Sarah Ann" said
a prospective son-in-law to his sweet
hearts mother, 81 should frankly confess
one thing in advance: am of rather
hasty temper, and apt to get mad with
out cause" Oh, that'll be all right"
blandly replied the dear old lady; 81
shall come and live with you, and Ill
see that you always have cause"
Patrick and Biddy we're engaged
And time set to be marned;
But Biddy hrted, Pat got mad,
And so the plan mscarred.
Then Biddy soothed her wounded heart
And was to Michael wed;
Michael fell down between two cars
Andihome was carried dead
"That was a lucky 'scape," said Pat,
"Pur ifrd married Biddy
would have been in Michaels place
And she'd have been my wildly"
A printer does not rush for the doc
tor eveay time be is ''out of Sorts" Nor
to baker when he gets out of ''pi." Nor
TO woodpile when he wants ''stick." /"
Nor to the Bible when he wants good
rule Nor to a gun-shop when he
wants shooting stick" Nor to cab.
met shop when he wants furniture. ,
Nor to bank when he wants ''quoins. y
Nor to see his girl when he wants to 'gc
TO press" Nor to lawyer when be has
dirty case" Nor to a butcher wher
ne wants ''fat" Nor to an old cheese
when he wants 'live matter" Nor to /;
pump when he is thirsty and has five
cents ID his pocket. Nor to a butcher
when he wants 'sheeps-foot," nor to ;
livery stable when he wants shorse"