The Mankato free press. [volume] (Mankato, Blue Earth County, Minn.) 1879-1924, 1880-07-16
COMICALITIES.

1T IL ClBnI squeeze 10 get lemon
juice in strong punch.
Ii you lose your breath don't run to
catch it; you can catch it sooner stand
ing still.
The man who lays an egg on the table
is beginning to arrive at the country
newspaper Offices.
FIRMNEss is necessary to back up
good intentions. The hen that is set in
her ways turns out best.
CIRCUS owners have no more right to
vote than other men, but they have to
pay enormous pole-taxes.
"CLosED for the summer" is a familiar
sign, but it is never hung over the mouth
of an orator until after the Fourth of
July.
PLANT your neighbours cats early.
One under each fruit will help your
crop and do your neighbor good turn
beside.
AN exchange says Pennsylvania man
last week won four oil wells in lottery,
and Immediately burst into fit of his
derrickal laughter.
A New YORK halter says that only one
man out of seven selects hat that be-
COilltb iiiiu, uuu tIlttI ID one TettSOn WHY
We are not better looking nation.
HoMEsPUN says he dosn't see what
Lowell meant when he said, "What is SO
rare as a day in June?" aren't we
having them every day." Homespun
asks.-BOstOn Transcript.
"WHERE do paragraphers go when
they die?" asks the Houston Neps, and
the Philadelphia Chronicle Hcrald re-
plies: eff it isn't from the humorous
to the grave We give it up"
A WAsHOE man was recently tried for
stealing milk from a neighbours COW at
night. The jury, after mature delibera-
ton, returned a verdict of equity of
milking COW in the first degree"
A COUNTRY exchange unfeelingly re-
marks: "The small boy will soon be
holding himself together at the equator
in acknowledgment of the subtle powers
of green apples.
A NEWSPAPER up in Hudson solemnly
announces that "Rev. Mr.. Greenville
and Rev. Mr.. Stats will exchange pull
lets next Sunday" Hens there was con-
siderable merriment. ST. Adams Ad-
rertiser.
A FRIEND complains to X. that the
nights are SO abominably hot he can't
sleep. "My dear fellow, says X, "you
ought to accustom yourself to these
alterations of heat and cold. Summer
and winter 1 always sleep with three
quilts-in summer, l may add, put
them under me-"
The great English acknowledgement
Fitznoodle Tompkins to his tailor: "Do
you know, Simpkins, that ever since you
made my clothes have been taken for
an Englishman?" Simpkins: ooh,
quite so, my lord. Oh, beg pardon, but
you are so like the Marquis Of Middleton
Spanks!" -Harper's Bazaar.
A WATERBURY,, Conn.,, officer the other
day called at house and asked if the
family had any dogs to be registered.
"NO, sir, was the prompt reply. He
thereupon initiated dogs bark SO eff
fectively that he started up three dogs
that were in the cellar, thus disclosing
their whereabouts.
"YEs," said an old undertaken, talk
ing to a careless assistant, "that's just
your way; you slingthe tacks all around
the inside of the coffin when you are
lacking in the lining, and when you are
|
corpse almost to death. Why don't yOu
have some feeling about You? And the
good old man laid his arm atfectiOnately
on the rosewood casket and sighed
Sfeubenpiiic Herald.
81 DEAL" remarks the merchant; 81
cut" adds the carpenter; 81 turnip
spades, says the gardener; 81 pass, !"
observed the railroad superintendent;
81 lead hearts," adds the beau; 81
follow suit" says the tailor with his
little bill; 81 trumpet" chimes the
corn t player; "You cur" shouts the
butcher, as the dog runs off with two
pound steak. Thus many classes seem
to be made game Of.-BOstOn Courier.
AN anxious father was consulting one
of the wall street magnates as to what
business he should put his son to. "My
hey, sir" said he, "has had a irst-Iate
education and is remarkably truthful. "
81 don't see much good in that, said
the Wall street man, iingling the double
eagles in his brooches pockets; "none OF
the successful men l know are truthful.
Better make your boy an apothecary;
that's the only business l know of where
deceit does not pay in the long run"
SWELL, Father Brown, how did you
like nv sermon yesterday asked a
young preacher. "Ye see, parsOn, was
the reply, az haven't fair chance ut
them sermons of yours. I'm an old man
now and have to sit pretty well back by
the stove; and there's old Miss Smithie,
Wilder Taft n Rylan's darters n Nabby
Brit n all the rest settin in front of me
with their mouths wide open n swallerin'
down all the best of the sermon, N what
gets down to me is putty poor stuff,
parson, putty poor stuff.
JAMES ROUSSEAU tells a delightful
anecdote of visit to Samson, the execu'
toner, of whom he asked: BY the
way, what has become of that beautiful
daughter of yours whom met when las
here?" "She has married well-to-dt
surgeon" said Samson, and, observing
: the interlocutor's surprise, he added
cit astonishes you, but why should it
To save human being a surgeon Otter
! has to amputate diseased member
t when society has gangrened member il
e also has to be removed. The callingl
+ are alike" But" stammered M. Rous
r seau, "between the two sacrifices, afte
e all, there is q difference" eyes, sir,
said Samson, C in the size of thu
r knife"
3 PLANTATION proverbs-One-eyed null
4 can't be handled on de blind side. Moor
may shine, but lighted knots might.
= handy. De pig dat runs of wild de yea
I er corn gets little mo- dan de cob
e Lickor talks nightly loud when it git
!. loose frum de Jug. Sleepin in de fens
; CORNER don't fetch Krismus in de kitchen
:. Tween de bug and de bee-martin tain
0 hard to tell who's gwine ter GIT ketched
= De proudness un man don't count We
n his heads cold. You d see mo- er d
o mink eff he knowed where de yard do
IS sleeps. Hungry ROSTERS don't crackl
IS wen he fine q wum. Trubbles in sea
l. sonin': simmons amt good twell dey q
fros'-bit. Watch out wen you er fifth
all YOU want; fattening hog amt in luck
"Well, my man." said philanthro
is pist to q hardened looking chap confine
!, In the New Orleans parish prison
h "what are you in fora" "In for thirt
5. DAYS, 1 reckon" said the prisoner, SUI
d lenly. "No, not that. What offens
t did YOU commit" didn't comm
r anything. The Judge committed me.
le "Well, you must have been accused {
* some crime?" "Oh, yes; / was accuse
ID of TRYING to get on the police" "Nol
te sense. Trying to get on the police is u
D. crime. I have myself recommends
K many worthy men for positions on IL
ut police force, and have helped to 9
e. them on" cit is fact. !. That is all
~ was sent here for. You see there wei
I'd two of us, and we both tried to get @