davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25
Why He Didn't Play.

! In the fall of '62 the -th Ohio
Vol. Infantry were "circling' a
round through Maryland, and the
orders were very strict against
foraging. Consequently the boys
who would go foraging anyway,
were often put to their wits to
get the "necessaries" into camp
without detection. One after
noon the band went out as usual
to practice i'll the woods near the
camp. A nice fat shoat, in his
perambulations after acorns and
other "shack," wandered near
where the boys were playing;
the temptation was too strong.
The fife and drum were hushed
and we'll directed shot from
Dicks "navy" laid porky low,
and he was soon dressed and
ready for transportation. Itwas
nearly time for dress parade, and
how to get the animal into camp
was a question. Suddenly an
idea struck Dick, our fife major,
and was soon put into execution.
The bass drum was uncorded
and the carcass deposited there
in. The drum head was replac-
ed and the band took up the line
of march for camp. The regi-
ment was just forming for dress
parade, and the band had to 90
Immediately to the parade ground
Soon came the order "Troop beat
OFF, and up the line went the
band. G., our base drum
mcr, looked rather white around
the gills, but nary u beat from
the big drum, when opposite the
Colonel, who was beginning to
get livid at the eccentric move
ments of the band, the order
came, 'Music halt!'' (To G-)
"Why in thunder don't you beat
that drum, sir9" c., think
ing that the boldest way the sa-
fest stepped up in front of the
Colonel and whispered, Colonel,
we've got pig in the drump'
''Sick, are you? Then why the
ID don't you go to your
quarters. BE off. Music, for
ward march!" 1t is needless to
add that the Colonel got pork
steak for supper.
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25

. The Herald and Presbyterian
says: Isn't there somebody in
your Church that is always
talking about tie GOODNESS Of
the brethren, the divisions that
abound, the low state of piety,
the conformity to the world, etc,
in other words, who is confess
ing other peoples sins instead
of his own? My word for it,
that man is the cause Of much
of the evil that he complains of,
and magnifies by his complain
ing. Chose who choose can
put she and her in this last SEN
tence instead Of che" and "his. y
Tell such grumblcrs the fable
of "Bell Clappcr." The bell in
which it was hung cracked, and
the clapper was always CON-
planning of its sad fate in being
hung to such a bell. n good
many yunsophisticated people pit
led the clapper, and condoled
with it's sad lot. AT length the
spirit of Dlogenes, the old cinic,
who could not endure shams of
any kind, came along. lie heard
the clapper's complaint, ant!
said: "Before you make any
more fuss about the bell, remem-
Der two things. First, you crack
ed it; and second, nobody would
know that it was cracked if
you did not tell them" The
moral is obvious; but those
who need to ponder it will be
the last to see it.
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25
Charcoal and Lime.

1t seems unnecessary to urge
upon breeders the free use OF
charcoal, especially in the spring
and early summer months, if
they would have healthy fowls;
but many things we'll known are
sometimes neglected or forgot
ten in the poultry yard, trouble
and loss coming on afterwards.
If charcoal cannot be obtain-
ed easily or without the cost of
transportation from a distance,
the ashes from a wood stove
and the charred remnants Of
the fuel will furnish enough for
ordinary use. These pounded
mp into small pieces and thrown
to the fowls more plentifully
when confined than when allow
ed to roam at large, will be ca
gerly made use of.
The same may be said Of the
use of lime TO promote cleanli-
ness and prevent diseases 1t
should be used freely in the form
of whitewash, and in other WAYS.
where hens can get access to it
easily, it being necessary in as
sIsiing the production OF eggs.
Then do not fail to supply them
with these simple comforts,
which too often are luxuries or
entirely unknown. Eternal
vigilance," is the price we must
pay, for there is no short road
to success in this industry.
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25

A case of excessive caution
developed some serious results
the other day in Hartford in the
matter of the purchase of u
church-pew. The auction was
fixed for Il certain day, but one
of the prominent gentlemen of
the church, who for some years
past had paid $50 each year for
his pew, was unable to attend.
He requested a friend to bid it
i'll for him. Later he met anoth-
er friend, and incidentally men
tioning that he would not be able
to attend the auction, asked this
friend also to see to it that he
had his old pew as heretofore.
The auction took place, and the
pew was put up. Fifty dollars"
said friend No. l. "FIfty-one,"
said No. 2. "Fitty-three,D y "Fil-
ty-four," and so on till there had
been thirty-eight bids, when one
friend, thinking he had gone Is
far as discretion permitted, stop
ped, and the other took it tri-
umphantly at $SS. ''Put it down
for Dr." he said, and the
astOnishment of the other bidder
knew no bounds. They had
been bidding against cach other
both in behalf of the same gep-
tleman, who had forgotten to tell
No. 2 that he had also spoken
to No. l. lthelps the receipts 50
much.
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25
A Stray Billet -Doux.
[p;t,sburg (Pa.l Disnatch.l |

tIiepurg (fa) Dlspatcn.
Three ministers sat in the
pulpit of,an East Liberty church
on Sunday evening. A rising
young artist who had a comfort
able studio-if studios are ever
cnmfoNabIeZonP a. street run
ming from Water to Liberty
who is one of the workers in
said Church, walked bfavely to
the pulpit before service, and
gave one of the ministers a no.
tee to read before the benedic-
tion. The services were about
being closed, when the young
artist again went forward, and
reminded the minister that he
must not forget the notice of
the temperance meeting down
town. The minister begged
pardon, for his remissness, took
the slip of paper from his vest
pocket, read it, looked dazed,
rubbed his eyes, and then smil-
ed. He passed the, note TO a
brother musister. , He smiled.
Then passedAthc note to the
othelS minister and he smiled.
Then all smiled. Then No. l
'remarkcdithat he would have to
speak with the young artist.
The latter advanced to the pull
pit, received the notice, looked
as though he would like to jump
through the window He had
given the pastor a notice of a
TEN perance meeting, which read
something like fhis:0lTUA3
.. ., DEAR JoHN;--I am so sorry
thalaIscanitlct youa come to see
me as frequently as usual, but
papa and mamma thir.k i should
not receive7 even my very dear
friends during the Lenten sea-
son. It's awfnlly disagreeable,
If not positively cruel: but:then
you know that we Episcopal
ians can't go back on Lent |
shall see. you oftener than usual,
/ hope, when the holy season is
gone where the woodbihe twin
eth. Yours, with friendship.
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25
PloetFy,A1.,
The One True Friend.
BY JESSIE F. BROWNE.

On your friendship firm relying,
Gladly with your wish complying,
Not with nobler poets vying,
Here my humble verse trace;
Songs there are more pure and sanity,
Still hope (tho' hoping fainily,)
This, tho fashioned somewhat quantity,
In your heart may fad place.
Grateful much, if so regarded,
Amply shall l feel rewarded,
Should the verses here recorded,
Fer recall one thought of me;
Friendship! who her joys can measure,
Like them earth contains no treasure,
Truly this were heartfelt pleasure,
~ Thus TO find friend in thee!
On these fair and spotless pages,
Here enshrined are thoughts of ages,
Thoughts of noble bards and sages,
Such as will not pass away;
Strains OF many charming singer,
Lays DER which we love tc linger,
Vainly Times "effacing finger"
Strives TO touch them with decay.
Truly great, their powers alluring,
Songs my heart and soul adoring,
Thus thro' time and change enduring,
!, Far above their wrecks We soar;
Strains that on the fancy stealing,
Thrill the finest chords of feeling,
OFT responsive thoughts revealing,
J.l All unfeit, unknown before.
~ lg3f.i4t 9iG 94Hij
Yet thrO' much their charms admiring,
Not their deathless fame desiring,
More than this my soul requiring, r.
Something sweeter far to me!
Were the knowledge here recorded,
(Fame ne'er half the joy affordedD
Msher far were rewarded,
Thus 10 find friend in thee.
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25

A Chicago clergyman began
a sermon with the following sto-
ry of a man who was noted for
his ugliness: Being at a party,
he had taken no part in the dance,
as his hostess had some diff
Guilty in providing him with a
partner. AT last she led up to
him a prim and aged spinster,
at the same time whispering a
few words of apology in his ear.
"Oh, yolI needn't make any a.
pology," said he, jumping up
with alacrity, "any old thing is
good enough for me-"
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25

The paper was signed, passed
over with the horse, and as the
farmer received his money he
said
"That's all there is 60 it,1law
or no law, and it didn't lake
two minutes. Why, I'd have
taken Andrew jackson back
home and knocked him in the
head afore I'd put my name to
that paper binding us to keep
on covcnanting and agreeing
aud assigning and administrat-
ing a whole lifetime on one old
hossw
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25
A Lucky Man.

=. They were TALKING oil M. y.
tIuckiest fellow | ever knew
said one; "eyery thingrsucceed-
ed with Ihim-tM'ncd out just as
he wanted"
81 don't know" hazards his
companion; IL know off some
occasions when things went
contrary with him." &
"Bosll, bosh, my dear fellow.
Why the last time | met him he
said TO me: sIIere / am in per-
feet health, rich, with a charm
ing and lovely wife, fine chill
drcn, troops of friends, every
thing that man could wish. The
only thing / have ever feared in
my life. is lingering illness, and
that I have never had and hope
never to have Well sir, that
night he was struck with apo
plexy and died in ten minutes.
There's luck for you"
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25

A San Francisco thief did not
know that the woman whose
pocket he tried to pick was the
Great American Female SAM
son, belonging toa circus then
in the city; but he was sure he
had made mistake when she
struck out from the shoulder,
knocking him down like a ten
pin hit by the big ball.
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25

There is always an irrepres-
sible conflict going on in one $
mind when he sees small boy
taking his first smoke. as TO
whether the boy is smoking the
cigar or the cigar is smoking
the boy.
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25
MERE FORMS OF Law"
The Difference Between Circumlo-
cution and a Plain, Unvarnished

Cution and q Plain, Unvarnished
Tale.
One of the officials OF Justice
alley was the other day called
upon by an old gay-headed farm
er and his wife, together with a
neighbor, and outside the door
they hitched an old half-blind
horse whose cash value was
reckoned at $50.
"You see," explained the old
farmer, "neighbor Jones wants
to buy the old boss out there;
but he wants a bill Of sale sign
ed by my wife and /. We want
you to draw up one for us"
The justice reached down one
of the blanks, filled it out and
then said:
"Now, you listen while | read
this over and see if tits all right.
All ready:
"Know all men by these pres
ents. That" R
"Rresents! Why, I'm not go-I
ing 10 present him with that
boss !" interrupted the farmer.
"And we don't want any
presents from him - added the
wife.
"That's all right-only a le-
gal ferm," exclaimed his honor.
'Iisten:
County of WayneTfirst
part-consideration - sum
of of$25-grant-bargain and
sell party - second part
his executors, administra-
tors -" t..Ji>l---@ 4 -
81 haven't got any executors
or administrators ]" interrupted
neighbor Jones.
"No; ali he's got is a wife.
and two girls!' added the own
er of the horse.
Gail formal mere form"
explained the justice and went
on:
sAnd assigns forever
covenant and agree--defend
the same-heirs, executors and
administrators-"
"WiIliam, | shall never sign
no such paper!' suddenly ex7
claimed the wife as she rose up.
"Nor !, either!' stoutly re-
piled the husband.
"Why, I'd shake in my boots Of
every time | met constable!
at is all mere form and ac-
cording to law" explained his
honor. Gall bills of sale read
this way oa.
CLOCKS to me as II 1t was sort
D tangled up," said neighborl
Jones.
"The old hoss is blind in one
eye and how can they warrant
him?"
"And what has this hoss sale
got to do with his heirs and cov-
enant?" inquired the old man.
'I won't sign-I won't have
a thing to do with it," cxclain-
ed the wife as she walked IA
round. "We've always kept
clear of the law, and we amt
going to get into no scrapc and
lose our farm now-not if VIC
know itl' a
The more the justice tried to
explain the bigger the words
looked, and the trio finally walk
ed out. While they were un-
hitching the horse, along came
a hoase-painter, and after hearr
ing their story he picked Sal, q
piece Of paper in the alley, pull
ed out a stub pencil and wrcte:
We hereby sell this horse TO
John Jones for $25 cash down.
We raised him from a colt, and
his name is Andrew Jackson.
(Sionndl .--..s .--s h
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25
ntyOmccrs.
= c..lor cnnntr Jndge.

\ p Carter County Judge.
~ ~ p Martin. Clerk Chancery Court
~ q Morgan, do Circuit do
y = noree. do County DO
nT Holland, Sheriff.
- - ~ Counts, w. A. Cunningham, Dep
uty-Sherias. r.ns.oo
n 3. Thompson Register
nc. Duii, County surveyor
r. i. Rives. Snp't of Public scnoois'
7 r. Morgan, Coroner.
n o. Wallace. Ranger
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25

Two Dollars for one year. ,nra-
.r.,osg ~ adconce, Two ,fboiunvs au 4
rity Gents If payment be deferred three
I'on'hs; Ah papers going out of the county
oepald fer in adca ncc~
US Single copies, Five Cents each.
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25

The Picayune remarks that
when a man is out of money
any change that may come to
him is for the better.
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25

The advantage of having a
telephone connection with your
church is that you can listen to
the sermon in bed Sunday morn
ing and fall asleep at just the
right places.
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25

The conductor of a railroad
train in New York State thought
he spitcd a couple Of lovers by
starting out two minutes ahead
of time. They had to walk
eight miles, but the girl said she
wished it was twenty.
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25

The style for this year: Young
lady of the period-"Governor,
$40, please. | am going to take
a gentleman to the party tonight
and want a carriage.p Ofcourse
she gets it. The little darling.
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25

Magistrate: "Do you know
if the prisoner had any provoca-
tion before he committed the as
sanlt?" Witness-"Well sir, |
cannot be certain on that point,
exactly, but / dare say he might
have had glass or two"
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25

Upright Legislator-"What
sir /! You take me for one who
can be bribed? You insult my
sense of honor. But in case L
really was such a man, how
much would you giye?"
Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1880-03-25

e "I never thought but once" T"
said old Deacon Webbing, "that
it was a sin to steal an umbreL
la" "Ahd when was that?''
asked a friend. at was when
some pesky thief stole my new
silk one" answered the deacon.
The Colfax chronicle. [volume] (Colfax, Grant Parish, La.) 1877-1981, 1880-08-28
A Natural Ice-H0use.

A remarkable ice gorge in Sussex
County, N. j., in the rear OF Blue
Mountain, is attracting attention and is
much visited by the lovers of curious
sights. The ice gorge is several hum
dred yards in extent, ten to thirty feet
deep. with caves and clefts in the rocks
where the ice lies. 1t is located very
short distance from the mountain. The
shade at the gorge is dense, the sun ap-
parently never penetrating it. The bot
tom of the gorge is filed with ice and
the little caves and crevices are filed
with it. 1t is natural ice-house; hum
dreds Of tons might be taken out with
out appreciably decreasing the whole.
Much Of it, no doubt, has lain there for
years, the mass gradually melting and
being added to each year. The Their
mometer, which registered in the nine
ties in Newton, marked thirty EIGHT de-
grees at the bottom OF this eorge, too
cold for one to remain there any length
of time. Afew feet from one end Of
the gorge spring of most delicious
sparkling water bubbles up. The watel
in this spring stands at thirty-four de.
yrees+about rs cold as one could conn
Fortably drink it.-MiddletoscD IN. ~
Aroax ac1 HI-yAzc TtfcT ssA
The Colfax chronicle. [volume] (Colfax, Grant Parish, La.) 1877-1981, 1880-08-28

DIR. PrrRcE's GOLDEN MEDICAL DISCOVERY
cures every kind of humor, from the worst
scrofula to the common pimple or erupson'
Four tn six bottles cure salt-rheum or letter.
One to five bottles cure the worst kind OF
pimples on the face. -
Two to four bottles clear the system OF
boils, carbuncles and sores
Four to six bottles cure the worst Kino o.
Three to six bottles cure blothces among the
hair.
Six to ten bottles cure running at the ears
Five to eight bottles cure corrupt OF run
ming ulcers. A.. or.,
sold nv druggists, and in half-dozen ant
dozen lots at great discount.
The Colfax chronicle. [volume] (Colfax, Grant Parish, La.) 1877-1981, 1880-08-28
The BOZley Mail.

Snow l wonder who this can be
FROM" said Mr.. Bozley, of Prospect
street, as he came back to the breakfast
table with letter which the postman
had Just delivered.
Whats the postmarkp' queried
Mrs. Bozley.
ell can't quite make out whether
it's Chicago or Chautauqua," slowly re-
piled the head of the family as he held
the missive alternately close to his eyes
and afar off and wrinkled his brow in
his efforts to make out the hieroglyph-
les.
"Lemme see it," said Mrs. B., snatch
ing it out of his hands. "Why, it's no
more like Chicago than you're like
Adonis. It's-it's-"
"Well? It's"
"Why, it looks like Kalamazoo when
YOU hold it this way" she went on,
with a perceptible diminution of conf
dence, however; but when you turn it
round it-um-m-m-not exactly like
Milwaukee-but, anyhow, faint Chlca-
go-nor-that other place."
Here Master George, aged ten,
deemed it incumbent on himself to say,
"Mebbe it's from Uncle Dan, and he's
oomin' to see us and bring that goat he
promised me-"
81 do wish, child, you'd stop calling
him Uncle Dan: Whatever possessed
ma to give my brother that name
can't imagine. But faint from your
Uncle Webster, child"
mo, faint from Dan, cause Cleve.
lands spelled with C, and he always
spells it with K" remarks Mr.. b. in
continuation. and is rewarded by 9
whitening glance from his partner.
"Lemme look at it, y says Miss Stella
aged sixteen.
And the mysterious envelope is passes
over to her.
"Lawr' she says, after critically ex
aiming it; "rn bet it's from cousil
Philip. o, dear, hope it is and he
coming to see us this summer-he's S
funny"
my nephew never wrote such
scrawi as that" said Mrs. B. somewha
warmly; "it's more like some of you
fathers side"
Your fathers side, as you call 'em,
retorted Mr.. B., flushing up, "kno'
how to spell any way; and what's NOR
we never Hdu IcO hah IL oii0 A"AiJ "a
1 got married. and"
And Mrs. b. with a scream droppe
into chair and Mysteries and cut o
{ further debate. M
When she finally consented to allo
them to bring her to, after all the al
|. proved remedies had been brought ini
d requisition, Mr.. b. proceeded to set !
: rest all surmises regarding the epist
by the novel method of opening ar
reading it; and when it proved to be
dunning letter from that odious Mi
Trivett, who does the family sewing,
fiercely crumpled it up in his hand al
muttered something that sounded Iii
"Idiotsr' and though Mrs. B. and Il
children didn't know to certainty wi
|. were meant they had their suspicion
= -Cleveland Plain Dealer.
The Colfax chronicle. [volume] (Colfax, Grant Parish, La.) 1877-1981, 1880-08-28
A Bicyclist's Misadventure.

Lured on by the Establishments of the
circular sent him from a Boston house
in which the beauties and advantages
of the s.noiseless steed'' were extolled
in lofty terms, he invested 500 in
bicycle, and proudly wheeled the I'M
manageable thing into back lot and
afterwards into an unused hall to get
his bearings" 1t bore down on him
pretty hard for while, but after re-
ceiving innumerable ''headers, in
which the small wheel invariably land
ed on top, he finally essayed to appear
in public and wheeled through the
streets as gracefully as kangaroo, to
the imminent danger of pedestrians and
baby carriages. He moved so noise
lessly that spectators remarked he had
his rubbers on and nervous females
seemed possessed to step both ways at
once in endeavoring to avoid collisions.
1t was fun, and he felt as happy as q
big sunflower until an unforeseen calaml-
ty drove the smile of contentment from
his countenance never to return again.
In the distance Che was not near
sighted) he espied fashionably attired
young lady approaching who proved to
be very particular AIicuu. .SA0AS
ing his knee action, he rapidly lessened
the distance between. them, until nj
was ready to glide by without touching
the hem Of her. garment, when he at
tempted to doff his chapeau after the
most approved Broadway Style. I'm
lucky bicyler! In his anxiety to do tht
proper caper he forgot he would %
obliged to let go the handles with on
hand and the consequences were mos
lamentable. The unreliable steed veeret
to one side and collided violently with
shade tree. The hapless mortal per
formed the double somerset act ant
was actually thrown so high and s.
hard that his heel was driven into tn
crotch of the tree, between limb an
the trunk, where he hung suspended i
midair while the machine looked like
figure 8 in the gutter. He did not ham
long in suspense, however, for as iuc
would have it his boots were slightl
large for him, and the tree serving as
boot-jack his own avoirdupois 500
pulled the boot off and he fell to tn
ground. auburn IN. ~ Advertiser.