Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1880-03-12
FACTS AND FANOIEs.
Pinaphorism-Better late than hardly

Pinaphorism-Bet late than hardly
ever
The waves of woman's handkerchief
have wrecked many man.
The principal kind of "taters" raised
by Ireland last year was agitators.
A Utah paragraph speaks of a man who
narrowly escaped being cartridgized.
1t is only in civilized countries that
people wear shoes several sizes too small.
German spiritualists try to base their
faith upon philosophy and to count Kant as
an ally.
Spicer says his collar button is like the
celebration OF the Fourth of July-it is
sure to come of.
Hindoocaste, according to Schlagintweit,
was formerly continuance fer securing
political supremacy.
The reason why man steals an umbrella
is because he does not like to 90 out in the
rain and borrow one.
1t is not safe to criticise a singers upper
register. She may become heated, which
will act as damper upon you.
Walt Whitman toGeneral Grant: "What
best see in thee, is not where thou movest
down history's great highways"
Now they say Tennyson is a plagiarist.
His blow, Bugle, Blow" was probably
cribbed from an ode to influenza.
The kind wife who has smile for her
husband when he comes into the house
will not drive him to a saloon to get one.
Bagpipes, castanets, bits of arlnor and
shields with Medusa's head are among the
queer things sold for chatelaine ornaments.
Says Jones, 81 hate fool" Yes"
replies Smith, like hates like" They
meet as strangers now Boston Trans
cript.
A philosopher says: "You require in
marriage precisely the same quality that
you would in eating sausage-absolute con-
fidence"
a scientist says that all animals, includ-
ing men, were once equal. This is true
The wasp was once an end man in min
strel show.
In anticipation of the next baseball
season, it is well to remember that molasses
and cobweb are considered good for
bruised finger. They will also enable a
man to catch a fly every time.
Shoemakers' wax has beenused with sue
cess in Glasgow to illustrate to the stu
dents of natural philosophy, in model,
the flow of glaciers 1t is said that the
flow of this wax wonderfully resembles
that of ice.
To live at peace with the redman it is
recommended to do away with the agencies
and turn the Indians over to the army, or,
better still, do away with the army and
turn the agencies over to the Indians. The
latter viii be more expeditions and eco
nomical.
A little pair of gloves that yet
Retain their smell OF clover,
And just tinge of mignonette-
/ turn them vaguely over,
And marvel how the girl kissed
The night she promised to be true
Could jam number seven fist
Into paltry number two
A very ingenious man of the world, in
deed, once avowed that he got a vast deal
of satisfaction out of his life by accepting
invitations and falling i'll when the time
came to keep them. g By this device,
said he, 90 l can always continue to enjoy
the pleasures of regret instead of suffering
the pangs of disgust.
The final couplet of P S. Gilmore's ma
tional hymn,
We ask with reverence, love and awe
God bless and save American
reminds the reader of And the crow
tapped his wings and cried, Billy Magee
Magaw !? - Andrews American Queen.
Papa" said he, as he was shown some
pictures in book Santa Claus had left
him; Papa, why does camels have such
big lunches on their backs The Informal
ton received not being very satisfactory,
he at length solved the difficulty himself.
"Why, know, papa" said he, "it's SOS
they'll be camels." Which must be the
reason. - Elmira Advertiser.
He stood with his ear to the telephone
At time when he hadn't oughter,
And caught the words in a distant room -
OF mis- only child-a daughter.
The sounds he heard TO his heart sharp went
Like the stroke Of reapers sickle;
600 90 good gracious NeddIe dear,
How your nlussache does tickle ~
Then the father he
Went quite crazee,
And bare his bosom throwing;
He stabbed himself with the telephone wire
And set his fe-blood flowing.
A scientist asserts that ''the aggregation
OF bioplastic germs evidence an irresistible
tendency to correllate the molecules in in
verse ratio to the capillary processes of
differentiation. This will not effect those
young men who swore off on January
lst and intend to keep their pledge; but
to those persons who are wasting their sub
stance in beer, draw poker, hot toddies,
pool and other Intoxicating beverages it is
terrible warning, 1t must be terrible
thing to have ones molecules correlated,
etc. NorristoWn Herald
When Mesmer was the rage in Paris a
favorite lap-dog of the witty actress, Mile.
Arnoult, fell sick and was Immediately
sent to be mesmerized. After few mag
netic passes the little sufferer became
quiescent, and the paroxysm not returning,
he was sent back with a certificate of his
complete restoration to health and vigor,
And then he is sufficiently malicious to
turn right around and die. but, thank
Heaven" says his comforted mistress, 81
have the documents to show that the poor
dear died in perfect health,
Young Fred, a bashful yet persistent swain,
Was very much in love with Mary Jane.
One night she told him, in her tenderest tone,
1t is not good for man to be alone"
Said Fred, just so, you darling little elf
I've often thought of that same thing myself"
Then SAID the las, Whlle fred was all agoG
You ought to buy yourself a terrier dog
He took the hint and left.
Some time ago well-known Wall street
character, of cenvivial habits, slowly made
his way down Exchange place on pair of
crutches. AS he did so his eyes were
filed with a malicious, exulting light, an
expression which we sometimes see upon
the faces of those who have realized the
fulillment of some disagreeeble snticipa-
ton disbelieved in by everybody else.
EYES," said he; "swollen kneeI Now
don't say it came from drinking. Only
the water l mixed with the brandy settled
here Good, pure brandy never did me
any harm"
EDeacon B., of Ohio, very pious man,
was noted for his long prayers, especially
in his family. One Monday morning, the
Deacon and his wife were alone, and as
was his usual custom after breakfast
prayer was offered. There being an un-
usual amount of work that day, the
Deacon's prayer was short. He
seized his hat and milk pail and