Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1880-01-02
The NAN WHO LAUGHS.

Pat-'Do We buy rags and bones here?
Merchant" do, SURF" Pat-"Thin,
be jabers, put me on the schkales"
Prof.-What does that expression rep
resent? Student-That is the sum of the
moments of the elements. Prof.-Say it
again. Student repeats. Prof.-That's
it. I'm going to have you say that over
until i impress it on your mind, as they
brand q. S. ona mule.-4cta Column
6iana.
AConnecticut man recently said Lend
me dollar. My wife has left me, and l
want to advertise that am not RESPONSE
BILE for her debts"
Before marriage girl frequently calls
her intended cher treasure" but when he
becomes her husband she looks upon him
rs cher treasurer.
The following anecdotes of the late
General Joseph Hooker are told by the
Rev. Mr.. Twichell, of Hartford In
company with certain California senator
he called upon the president, and when
he rose to 60, Mr.. Lincoln, engrossed
with business so that he had not been
able to pay much attention to his visit
ors. said, "Well, good night, Cap
tain Hooker" Colonel Hooker, if
YOU please" Immediately respond
ed the gallant colonel, land mighty
sight better general than most You've
got" Sitting i'll his tent, | once said to
him, taking the advantage of my posi-
ton, Now, general, why are you con
tinually thinking unpleasant things about
so MANY Of these vour brother officers
You are getting old, and We are all get
ting old, and even if Won don't like them
very much. why not overlook their failinSs
and he friends with them % And the old
general beamed ON me with his gentle
smile and replied That's fright, chap
lain, that's all right" as much as TO say,
THAT is the eminently proper thing for
you, in your position, to say. 'But, he
continued, don't you see that what | say
about these gentlemen don't hurt them.
and Il docs nc heap Of good ?!
IT'S rather neat upon your feet
A pair OF skates TO md
IT'S rather drear upon your car
When skates slip up behind"
The very latest style of female stocking
is bound way up on the top side with
little band of gold lace, and We amt mar
ried either, and the late wet spell had
nothing to do with it. We saw EN- on
real bona fide 1-ine-N y Dispatch.
A little girl in Sunday school, who had
been pulling her doll to pieces during the
week, was asked by the teacher ''What
WAS Adam made of" Answer Dust.
"And what was Eve made of?" Answer
''Sawdust.
Have You ground all your tools, rs /
told you this morning 2" said carpenter
to his apprentice 'All but the saw, sir;
| couldn't get quite all the gaps out of
that
do Won think we shall have storm,
Mrs. Goodington ?" asked the young par
son, politely uncovering his brain-box.
well, l don't know, Mr. Prooftext," re-
piled the old lady; Il don't know. Oar
nell was Just saying that them circus
clouds looked rather omniverous. Oar
nell, you know, has Just graviated at the
Universalist, where he studied gastrono-
nv and about the heavenly consterna-
tons Why, Parson Prooftext, if you
could hear that boy talk-jest like read
ing, too-about apple-trees and Pericles,
and then them olly-poly-aliases, you
think YOU was in II sort of visionary.
Anu Tie HOOu Oltl soul ClObcu lcl CNto anu
seemed to have really gone off in II STU
pid, as she would call it.
The owner of n hotel up on Mount Tam
alpass has property catamount rugged
up in tree about half n mile from the
house, and employs an old half-breed to
sit under bush near by to growl and
work the dummy's paws by means of a
couple of small cords on pulleys. The
young hunters from the city invariably
come across the painter. fire one volley,
hear a blood-curdling yell and make a
three minutes dash back to the cabin
again, where they sit and outlie each
other for the rest of the day. The hotel
keeper says that by the time the fraud is
shot all to pieces he expects TO have
enough money to run daily newspaper.
A little boy being asked what he sup
posed was meant by the expression ''fnred
sumptuously every day. replied, that
che had oysters.
Newly married husband: This is n
friend Of mine, my dear-a friend of
twenty years standing" His bride
"Good gracious. Then pray give him
seat, for am sure he must be tired
"Will You have it rare or well done ?"
said u landlord to M Irishman II few dnys
ago, AZ he WAS cutting piece of roast
beef. 81 love it well done ever since
am in this country, for it was rare enough
We used To ate it III Ireland"
Doing Rome. Visitor you had only
a day i'll Rome, then ? But you did st.
Peters Of course?' Elderly Lady: "N-oo,
| think not" Young Lady "Oh, yes,
ma. Don't you remember the steps with
the beggars on them, and one tried to
pick your pocket % Elderly Lady ooh.
yes. dear, | remember. Yes, yes-we did
st. Peters"
When you see man with n gun on his
shoulder and three dogs at his heels MAX
ing across the country, you needn't feel
badior the rabbits. He'll miss crow or
two, find n few frozen apples. fall into n
creek, and return home believing he has
had at numbering big time. -DchoH Frec
Press
TIE Burlington FREE PREss ranks among
the best papers Of New England, both in a
literary and political point of view, as well
aa for ,,,p.r,l TlIyl,.rs E,,Ns J',,o,y