Connecticut western news., 1880-05-12
WIT AND WISDOM.


 MERELY because Q man has scolding wife it is no sign that he should liquor.
 SOME one inquiries "Where have all the ladies' belts gone ?" Gone to waist, long ago.
 THE INDIANS are ready to bury the hatchet whenever the agents will give them gun.
 A BOSTON artist painted an orange peel on the sidewalk so naturally that six fat men slipped down on it.
 FALSE HAIR is now so perfectly made that when woman's head is fixed you can't tell which is switch. THE WORLD owes us all living, but she Is just as hard to collect from as any other debtor. r.-Philadelohio Item.
 THE OMAHA Herald says a drink of Council Bluffs whisky will make man go off to some secluded spot and rob him. self.
 IT WAS Pelham who said that it was eminently respectable to be arrested for debt, because it shows that you once had credit.
 THE HIRED girl who was called up at four o'clock in the morning thinks arose two hours later would sound quite as sweet.
 MANY A ONE becomes free-spoken Diogenes, not when he dwells in the cask, but when the cask dwells in him. Richter.
 DURING 6 lesson on the life of King David @ class of girls was asked, "Who killed the giant?'' Whereupon one re- piled "Jack."
 DEADwooD obituaries state that "t the deceased was of an unobtrusive nature" when he didn't poke into more than three fights week.
 AN ILLINOIS girls toast: "The young men of America-their arms our SUD- porters, our arms their reward; fall in, men, fall in."
 REWARD of Merit-The "next pupil who spelled chimney correctly was told by his teacher to go up one-but didn't want to.--Puck. AMBITION often puts men upon doing the meanest offices; so climbing is per formed in the same posture with creep ing.-Dedn StOift. YOUTH WILL never live to age unless they keep themselves in breath with ex- ercise, and In heart with joyfulness.-- .S5r Phililo Sidney. Do NOT form plans for years that are to come. The most happy moments of our lives are those which bountiful chance bestows.-De iStdel. "How DOES painting agree with my daughter?" asked an anxious parent. "It makes her too red in the face," replied the teacher. Ar TWENTY-FIVE we kill pleasure; at thirty y-ive we enjoy it; at forty we hus- band it; at fifty we hunt after it, and at | sixty we regret it.-Ldngier. ONE OF the hardest lessons to learn in life is that the man who differs with you, not only in opinions, but in principles, may be as honest and sincere as your self.
 WHEN HIS cousin, Charlotte Dunne, was mal ried, Jones said, "It was Dunne before it was begun, Dunne while it was being done, and not Dunne when it was done"
 WHEN the affectionate father of five grown daughters calls at the hardware store for an extra stout pair of gate hinges, it means that the spring cam paign has opened.
 "MY TEACHER uses awful long words" said a five-year-old girl to her mother the other day. "How long, my dear?" was the reply. "About as long as slate pencil, should think, mamma"
 COMMODORE MUTT, the dwarf, is about to open saloon in New York. It would be terrible temperance lecture if while drawing beer he should fall in the glass and be drowned.-Phil. Chronicle.
 "MAMMA," said Henry Thomas, 8 bright little fellow over in Algiers "Mamma, have my toes got eyes?" "No, my darling; why do you ask such foolish question ?" "Because my foot's asleep"
 GA YOUNG lady in Penn Yan, N. Y., wears twelve diamond rings on one fin- fer" She should also wear gold band around her head, to prevent the crack in her skull from becoming wider. Norris to,0n Heratd.
 MARY BEANIE deemed herself neglected by her lover at Denver, and shot the x,yh< sh fa,,n1 hsYoo ,N1o cards when he ought to have been vis- iting her. This shows the wickedness of playing cards.-Boston Post.
 "HENRY," said his wife, with chilling severity, "I saw you coming out of saloon this afternoon. "Well, my dar- ling," replied the heartless man, "you wouldn't have your husband staying in @ saloon all day, would you?"
 AN OLD lady recently visiting prison asked one of the attendants why the prisoners received such coarse food. He told her it was to keep their blood from becoming impure. And when asked what they would do if their blood was impure, he dryly responded, "Break out"
 You remember the story of the guest who was eating more butter than biscuit, while the landlady looked on and fidgeted and hinted until she fairly went into nervous fit. Finally she said "Do you know butter is up to sixty-fve cents pound ?" The hungry guest reached out and took what was left ssWell" he drawled, approvingly and reassuringly, "good butter is wuth it. ."-Burdette. On, SKIRT beautiful skirt