, 1880-08-09
Wit and Humor.
A cheap country seat-a stump.

VIII ana HUm0r.
A cheap country seat-a stump.
Jones finds drinking like fish makes
his head swim.
Sparkling across q garden fence ad-
lnits Of good deal being said on both
sides.
"Iwould take trip round the world"
said Mr.. Shoddy, " if it wasn't for the
expense of returning home again"
"Help the sweeper, please, SIR
"Can't, my man. wasn't brought up
to the business; besides, I have NO
broom"
During lesson on the life of King
David, q class of girls was asked, Who
killed the giant?" wAereupon one re-
piled Jack!"
The most afflicted part of the house
panes; and who has not seen more than
one window blind?
Thousands of people who 60 to Coney
Island fancy that the beach is only
hundred feet wide. one side being ocean
and the other side beer.
Apothecary: "You want this pre-
scription filed, sir, I understand 2"
Patrick: "Divi. . bit av it, SURF
It's the bottle I wud have filed"
The New York Herald says that Bob
Ingersoll's speeches make good cigar
lighters. It requires q very small
sponge to wipe out u big political slate.
A Boston theatrical company recently
played q scene laid in church SO nat
urally that to many of the audience it
seemed so real that they went to sleep.
Grace: II am going to see Clara
to-day. Have you any message?"
Charlotte: II wonder how You can
visit that dreadful girl. Give her my
love-"
A Yankee editor wishes to know
whether the law recently passed pro-
hibiting the carrying of deadly wesp-
ons, applies to doctors who carry piHs
in their pockets.
A Touch OF NAruRE.-Paterfam
asks his daughter, apropos of an aspir-
ant to her hand. "By the way. is he
we'll educated?" Well educated 2
I should say so-at times!"
"sooner or later" says q French
writer, "everything is found out"
Just so. A married man, for instance,
is generally found out later-aboat
three hours latsr-than he should be.
An old lady visiting the Antiquarian
Museum in Edinburgh the other day,
on inspecting the old weapons very
earnestly, and failing to find what she
was apparently looking for, asked
visitor if he could tell her whereabouts
they kept the Axe of the Apostles.
Little four-year-old Ned discovered
why mice are created with tails. He
was permitted to bury one that had
been killed in the house. He returned
in few minutes with, "Well, papa, I
buried mousie, and left bis tail stuck
out 80 you can tell where his grave is.''
What earthly use is it," exclaimed
o languid Washington swell the other
morning, "our twying to be awisto-
cwatic, monarchial, and that sort Of
thing, VIXEN a Senator of the United
States eats peanuts while widing in the
sweet car? We're nothing but a how'd
wepublic, after all"
The orchestras play a very pretty
piece of music called " Grandmother.
In order to carry out the idea the music
is soft, slow and touching. A lady at s
matinee was explaining this to her little
daughter, who said: Yes, ma, un-
derstand. Grandmother is through
with the days washing, and is taking o
nap"
"How came these holes in your 81.
bows?" said widowed mother to her
only son. "Oh. mother, hid behind
the sofa when Colonel Gobler was say
ing to Maria that he'd take her even if
you had to be thrown in; and he didn't
know was there; and SO held my
tongue and laughed in my sleeves till
I bust EN-"
The peril Of employing highly ed1-
Gated young men as clerks was again.
illustrated yesterday. A woman stopped
at grocer's on an uptown avenue and
asked: "Is them lettuce fresh f'7
I" You mean that lettuce" suggested
the clerk; "and it is fresh" Thsn
you'd better eat i'll" she snapped, ss.
she walked on.
"Yes," said the witneas, l remem-
ber the defendants mother crying on
the occasion referred to. She was weep
ing with her left eye-the only one she
has-and the tears were running down
her right cheek" What" exclaimed
the Judge, show could that be ?'T
Please your honor" said the witness.
"She was awfully cross-eyed."
81 DESIRE" said the husband to the
wife, as they were walking along the
shore, that when I die I may be
buried in plain, stained pine cofins
without expensive trimmings" But
my DEAR" said she, chow much more
respectable and fashionable it would be
to have black walnut and silver"
" Possibly, he said, but was think