davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1880-12-16
What it Costs to be Funny.
Oliver Wendell Holmes informs us that

1T is very serious thing
10 be funny man."
and most OF those who have ever gained
reputation tor wit, or made the &C.
qualntance Of one of those preter-natur-
ally solemn and funeral looking indi-
vlduals whose lives are made miserable
by the consciousness that the public
looks to them for a diurnel dose Of dis
guised physic in the shape of Jokes, can
corroborate the genial Doctors state
ment.
The responsibility entailed by repu-
tation for being a perennial fount of
spontaneous humor, is enough to make
man prematurely aged. He must con-
stantly maintain high-water mark of
hilarity, and occasionally surpass him
self.
Not satisfied with his professional
efforts in this line, he is expected to
scatter .jests around him in his dailv
walk and conversation, to write neatly
turned epigrams for young ladies' al
buns, and to scintillate at social enter
tainments.
II he is invited out to dinner, it is a
tacit understanding that he shall pay for
the meal by his humor, and it behoves
him to go plentifully provided with a
stock Of extempore puns and conun-
drums, to be dispensed at appropriate
intervals. IF he does not feel up to the
mark, his host will probably spur up his
Tagging energies with the remark that
he is unusually dull, or some other
pleasing reminder of his breach of i'm
piled contract.
| A fearful warning against the social
perils of a humorist's career is conveyed
in the anecdote of the gentleman who
habitually earned his dinners by his wit,
and on one occasion Of temporary absent
mindedness was recalled to sense of
his duties to society by the following
message, delivered in an audible tone
by the daughter of the hostess:
Mammals compliments to Mr..
and she wishes to know when he lis
going to be funny!''
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1880-12-16
WOmen's Headaches.

One of our English contemporaries has
wisely been devoting some thought and
space to the common and very distressing
fact that q great many English women
suffer from headache. The same trouble
prevails In America, and men, no matter
how selfish they may be, are deeply con-
cerned about it, for wife with head
ache cannot be companionable, the best
of sweethearts with a headache is sure
to be unreasonable, while lady who
has neither husband nor other special
cavalier to engross her atten ton can ruin
the peace of mind Of every one she meets
while she has a headache Of perceptible
size. No amount OF masculine grumbling
is likely to change all this, but women
themselves might change it # they would
comprehend the cause Of the malady and
then apply their nimble wits to the work
of prevention OF cure. The trouble is that
all American women who have headaches
live indoors, where the best air is never
good, and the worst is poison, and they
have none Of the exercise which save men
from the popular feminneimalady. Were
a strong man to eat breakfast at any or
binary American table and then sit down
to workable Or machine, OF even
move about briskly from one room to
another, he would have a splitting head
ache before noon, and the chatter of his
innocent children would seem to be the
jargon Of fends. The midday meal
would increase his wretchedness, and by
dusk he would be stretched in misery
upon his bed, with one hand hopping
his forehead with ice water while the
other would threaten with club or pistol
any one who dared to enter the room OF
| make noise outside. There is no reason
why women should not suffer just as Sc.
verely for similar transgress1ons OF physi.
cal law. True, indoor life Is compulsory
for a large portion Of every day, but spe.
cial physical exercise in a well aired room
| is within the reach Of almost every woman
and so is a brisk walk in garments not
so tight as to prevent free respiration.
There is very little complaint Of head
ache at summer resorts, where windows
are always open and games and excursions
continually tempt women who do no,
value complexion more than health
Girls who ride, row, sail and shoot seldom
have headaches; neither do those un
fortunate enough to hoe potatoes or play
Maud Muller in hay fields. Let womer
of all social grades remember that thu
| human machine must have REASONABLE.
treatment and be kept at work or play
to keep it from rusting; then headaches
| will be rare enough to be interesting
Eeep York Herald
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1880-12-16

The indignation of man in Cohoes, N.
y. was aroused the others night By q cat
which was serenading him. He threw
his boot at the cat and frightened it into
silence. Then he esayed to recover his
boots and while crossing oofstepped on
8 skylight and smashed it IN, making q
great noise. Fortunately he did not fall
through, but was arrested for burglary.
and had to spend the rest OF the night in
the station house. He was released in the
morning.
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1880-12-16
The Great Elevators at Chicago.

Their aggregate capacity is; 16, $40, 900,
bushels; individual capacity from 10000
to 100000 bushels. They are in differ
ent parts of the city, but those at the
disposal Of the Chicago, Burlington g.
Quicy railroad give nearly one-t third the
whole capc1ty. One OF the newest ,ot
them, Armour, Dale & Co'slelevator SD .
may be taken as what it is the fashion to
call g Representative" elevator. It Ger.
tainly Is very fine one, and should be
seen by al inquiring visitors. It was be-
gun in 1876, is $50 feet long, 100 feet
wide, and 145 feet high, required Eve
million feet Of lumber in Its construction
and cost $350,0O0. One can easily OBJ
tam permission to inspect it, and the
superintendent will enighten his ignor-
ance, or increase and qualify his knowl-
edge,as the case may be. He is conduct
ed to little elevator (here is this con-
fusion Of names again; it is what our
English friends call a Gift and hoisted
to the top floor. At Tone end he sees,
swiftly passing over shaft, the largest
belt in the United States, $50 feet in
length, and so inches in width. Below
him are great scales, and bins 60 feet
deep. a ine and suggestive dust gradu-
ally covers his clothes as he listens to the
polite cicerone, who is telling him that
there are 26 standard Fairbanks scales in
the building, and that they weighs ac-
curately that in an aggregate Of six car
loads there was only a shortage OF 30
pounds between ssSt. Joe'' and Chicago
but "look out for the engine when the
bell rings. A trair has come in below
full Of grain in bulk. Into car goes a
great shute, or nozzle; some body pulls
q lever, and presto! away has gone the
grain up into 9 weighing bin, then dewn
into another receptacle OF profundity and
security. It draws on the observers
mind that one mans property is BY nc
means kept separate from another mans
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1880-12-16
Tie Queer Fisherman /.

The otter is admirably adapted to it's
aquatic habits. It's body is long and
flexible, with long, taperlng tail, which
serves as rudder IN the performance Of
the evolutions OF the animals under the
water. The limbs are short, but very
muscular and powerful; and the feet,
which consist Of five toes each, are web
bed so as to serve as paddles or oars. The
eyes are large, the ears short, and the lips
are provided with strong whiskers. The
covering consists Of two kinds of fur-an
under vest Of close, short waterproof wool,
and an outer vest of long, coarse, glossy
hairs. Shy and recluse, the otter is
nocturnal in his habits, lurking by day
in its burr0w, which opens near the
waters edge, concealed among the tam
gled heritage. Voracious, active and
bold, it is notorious for ito devastations
among the fish in our rivers and lakes,
which are not protected from this foe,
either by the rapidity Of their motion IN
it. Like them, the otter is at home in
the water, swimming at any depth with
the utmost velocity. Many instances ERE
upon record Of the successful employ
ment Of tame offers for angling purposes.
b1snop aepeI Ie1aJes Inat aI fOn0lcnerFy,
on the banks Of the Malta Colly, he saw
q row of nine or ten very large and beauti-
full offers, tethered with straw collars and
long strings to bamboo stakes. Some
were swimming about at the full extent
Of their strings, or lying half in and hall
out Of the water; others were rolling
themselves in the sun on the sandy bank,
uttering shrill, whistling noise, as if in
play. The bishop observes that most Of
the fshermen in the neighborhood KEEP,
one or more of these ANIMALS, who were
Of great use in fishing, sometimes driving
the shoals into the nets, and sometimes
bringing Oh. the larger fish with theil
teeth.
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1880-12-16
A BOYS Joke.

While q man was dashing with all his
might and main down street to catch
train, a gamin rushed to him and shout
ed:
Hey, mister, have you got pin ? Z,
II have, z responded the man, coming
to sudden halt, and feeling under the
lapel Of his vest.
!" Vel, then" yelled the boy, as he
jumped out Of the way, you had bet
ter fasten your ears together behind your
head, so as you won mash any swingina
signs with 'ena.
Tho pedestrian passed on unheedful
Of the advice given him.
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1880-12-16
"A tender young potato bug
Bat swinging on avine
and sighed unto q maiden bug:
81 pray you will be mine.n

Then softly spake the maiden bug:
II love you fond and true.
But, O, my cruel. hearted par
Won't let me marry you
With scorn upon his Buggy brow,
With chances cold and keen,
That naughty lover answered her:
think your par-is-green.N
The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1880-12-16

November wind might howl its worst
now. Its hold on Nabby was gone. In
place Of all the bitter sadness that hung
heavily around her heart, was q warm
feeling of happiness, OF comfort and
hope.
AL the explanation they had was this.
Josiah drew from under his shabby coat
an exceedingly awkward and knobby
bundle.
''1've brought someth1n' for you, Nab
by,' said he.
The 'somethin' 'Iundone, proved to be
q very handsome bri tannia teapot. The
teapot might have known that it was a
peace offering, with such preter-natural
brightness did it shine and glisten.
Something in Nabby's eyes shonc and
glistened, too, although she winkei har d
and scorned the weakness of poke
handkerchief
ssThank you, JOSIAH she said, it's q
regular beauty, and shall set lots by it,
Which, so long as they understood
each other, was, perhaps, as well as il
Josiah had made q long-worded speech
of repentance and reformation, and
Nabby another of forgiveness. I wish ]
could say that Nabby never scolded
Josiah again. But I can't However
ssshe drew It mild,' and there was 8
general understanding between them
that was only sort OF exercise made
necessary by habit "a barking by nc
The Sentinel. [volume] (Trenton, N.J.) 1880-1882, 1880-09-25
Michael's Mallet.

Long, long ago in the olden dav.
YIN slope oil the Tuscan hills there Law
4 village with quarries all around
anu DOCKS OF marble that piled the ground
ana scattered among them, everywhere,
With wedge and hammer, 1ule and souore
with the dust OF the marble powdered white
oa1 masons who chiseled from morn till night
Inc earliest sound that the baby heard
was neither the whistle nor song of bird.
Nor bleating OF lambs, nor rush of breeze
Through the tops of the tall old cbestnu,
trees,
NOR the laughing of girls, nor the whoop and
shout
vi Inc school at the convent just let out,
NOR the tinkle of water FLASHING sweet
FROM The dolphin's mouth in the village street
but foremost and first, that sharp and clear
Arrested the little Mchael's ear
When he walked from sleep, was the mallet,s
knock
On the chisel that Clipped the rough hewu
block;
From the dawn OF the day till the, twilight
came,
The click OF the tools was still the same:
And, constant as fell the fountains drip,
Was the tap, tap, tap and the chip, chin.
chip!
And when he could crawl beyond the door
OF the cottage, in search of plaything more,
or farther could venture prying lad,
What toys do You think were the first he had ,
Why, splinters of marble white and pure,
And mallet to break them with, be sure
And chisel to shape them, should he choose,
Just such as he saw the masons use.
SO Michael, the baby, had his way,
And hammered and Clipped, and would not
play
With the simple and senseless sort OF toys
That pleased the rest OF the village boys.
They laughed at the little churches he
Would daily build at his nurses knee;
They secuted the pictures that he drew
On the smooth, white slabs with coal or two
They tainted and teased him when he tried
To mold from the rubbish cast aside
Rude figures, and screamed "scultori !" VIXEN
His bits of marble he shaped like men.
But who of them dreamed his mallet's sound
Would ever be heard the earth around
Or his mimic churches in time become
The highest temple OF Christendom
Or the pictures he painted I'LL the dome
OF the Sistine-grandest OF sights in Rome?
Or the village baby that chiseled so
Be the marvellous Michael Angelo
Vide .fwake.
The Sentinel. [volume] (Trenton, N.J.) 1880-1882, 1880-09-25

Ribbons, which now form so large a
part of every civilized woman's dress,
have become very important article OF
commerce, and are manufactured largely
both in Europe and America. Until
recently, however, they were entirely
of foreign product. Their manufacture
first attained consequence in France
during the seventeenth century. They
were variega!ed with snowy patterns,
and, about 1880, embossed ribbons,
stamped with hot steel plates, each
piece having part of the pattern en-
graved, came into fashion, and were for
time the rage. Figured ribbons were
made principally at Paris, but also at
Lyons and Avignon until 1923, when
Paris secured most of the trade. Before
the revocation of the edict of Nantes
there were some 900 ribbon makers at
Tours; but that measure, by banishing
Protestants, broke up the industry there
and crippled it at Lyons. In England
ribbons are produced mostly at Coven-
try with steam power looms. The ma
terial for the warp of the best ribbons is
Italian organzine silk, thrown from
Italian raw silk; and for inferior sorts
organzine silk from India and China.
The weaving has been done lately in
jacquard looms. A fixed standard of
width is adopted, marked by different
numbers of pence, probably the original
prices, though they no longer have any
such significance. The French desig-
nate ribbons by thunderstorm one to
to sixty. French ribbons are generally
lighter than the English; but they are
of better silk and better dressed. Rib.
bon velvets are largely manufactured at
Kiefeld Germany, Spitalfelds eng
land), and St. Etienne (France). This
country is rapidly improving in making
ribbons, and some OF them are equal To
those of either France or England.
The Sentinel. [volume] (Trenton, N.J.) 1880-1882, 1880-09-25
The Law of Marriages In France.

AS there are many American girls
who mediate or commit matrimony
with Frenchmen, it is well to have
the French law on marriages with
foreigners stated. The case stands
thus: If an American woman marries
q Frenchman in this country in accord
ance with American law, and he be IN
der tn age Of twenty-five, but of mar
riageable age according to our code, the
union may be declared invalid in
France, unless the bridegroom has OBJ
tanned the permission of his parents to
marry. As it would not enter the mind
of an American girl to imagine that q
young man of four and twenty required
the sanction OF his parents ere he could
be legally married, one need hardly say
inquiry on this point is seldom made.
The marriage is celebrated and children
are born. The family may alter time
find it convenient to 60 to France, and
then the unhappy lady who has formed
q connection Of this kind, discovers that
in the native land OF her husband she
is neither maid, wife nor widow. She
may be cast off 81 any moment. In
deed, if the parents of her husband are
powerful and INSCRIPTIONS, she may,
on their representations, be expelled
from the country by the orders and
coercion of the police. Painful instances
of the working of this law have been
recently brought TO notice-instances
in which ladies Of respectable birth and
gentle nurture suddenly found them
selves discarded, and thrust with little
ones on the cruel streets of Paris, home
less and friendless. But for the kindly
succor of one or two charitable organic
atoms in the capital of France, it is
impossible TO say what end they might
have come to. However, even after
charity has rescued them from their
miserable plight, their condition is and
must remain infinitely painful. No
amount of benevolence can restore the
discarded matron to her honorable sta
ton.
The Sentinel. [volume] (Trenton, N.J.) 1880-1882, 1880-09-25
MARJ0RIE'S CHOICE.

"You surely are not in earnest Mar
joriep"
Why notp" asked that young lady,
standing on tip-toe to reach a bunch of
apple blossoms just above her head
is it anything unreasonable in me to
prefer being Miss Melrose, the talented
young authoress of New York, instead
Of country minister's wife and help
mateP"
but, Marjorie, do you think l ex
pect or desire you to bury your heaven.
born talentp God forbid! Come to
me, and, surrounded by the friends who
have known and loved you from child
hood, and, under the shadow of your
favorite apple-blossoms that you said
were your first inspiration, write as
much as you please"
mo, Willard; what you ask is i'm
possible, for I am not the least bit in
love with you. Besides" she continued,
hurriedly, and not seeming to see the
look of pain in her companions eyes,
Il could never be happy in the life you
describe. / would be miserable in
chains, even though they were the
fowery chains of love that bound me to
my jailer, and my repinings and rebel
lion would soon make Us both unhappy.
| must have excitement and active
work. / must be in the thickest of the
battle OF life. I long for power, in
fluence and fame; but, even if cannot
Be hero in the strife | must be on
the scene of battle, and do all can. /
shall write no more poetry, though
the eulogiums of the public on my little
book were more than / ever dared hope
for Hepceforth I intend to live upon
reason, and not even waste sentiment on
verse. But with politics, philosophy, or
some other literary weapon, will con-
quer the tickle goddess fame, steal a few
laurel leaves for my brow and key to
her temple
"And do you expect to be happy?
All! Marjorie, there is a mighty factor
you have omitted in your calculations.
Your brain will be busy, your intellect
expanding; but, even if fame should
shake the choicest bon5ons from her
store at your feet. your heart will be
starving, and you will be miserable"
"Pshaw!" said Marjorie, recklessly
"let but the gods endow me with the
gifts crave, and Cupid may keep his
paltry arrows in peace. My heart has
been too highly educated to sigh for
SO childish an article. For this much
talked of love is merely a deceased
imagination, common to youth, like
measles and whooping-cough, and
which we get over in time, just as. We
do our fancy for dolls and tops, and ou1
be lief in ghosts and fairies."
The Sentinel. [volume] (Trenton, N.J.) 1880-1882, 1880-09-25

adopted BY fashionable New York
i&ules' but can never become popular on
account of their expense. They are
mace by special measurement of the
hgure and woven to fit.
The Chinese style is very much AZ
iected by many Partisan ladies. The
dresses OF quaint and brightly-hued
Cnlnese goods are worn more and more
close to the figure, and are decidedly
short, showing the Chinese shoes.
which are pointed at the toes. Both
Chinese and Japanese materials are
largely used for indoor robes.
Directoire collars and dress puffs O
black velvet richly embroidered in gold
are very stylish and becoming. Some
times an edge of gold lace is added.
Ihey are also made OF garnet, purple,
wine or dark myrtle green velvet, or
brocaded satin de Lyon. and edged with
frill of creamy Languedoc lace.
The long cloaks worn last winter are
likely to be in general use next season.
There is much to be said in their favor.
but they have some disadvantages.
These cloaks completely cover the dress,
and are conse quently very economical,
as old skirts can be worn under them.
This is, however, not an advantageous
fashion for dressmakers, as there is no
demand for handsome walking suits
when these cioaks are fashionable.
The Sentinel. [volume] (Trenton, N.J.) 1880-1882, 1880-09-25
A Touch OF Nature.

Ladies in the habit of climbing on top
of tables or sideboards when timid
mouse appears in a room, might have
the grace to blush for their pusil-
lanimity when they read of that sailor
on the Vera Cruz. The sea was swarm
ing with rats driven from the sinking
ship, and one of the terrified creatures
seized the ear of the swimming sailor,
without breaking the skin. Il didn't
have the heart to shake him of, said
the soft-hearted fellow, who could even
pity rat while death was staring him
in the face; 50 / let him hold on. but
the next wave washed him away"
The Sentinel. [volume] (Trenton, N.J.) 1880-1882, 1880-09-25
(From the Trade Journal, .Neac York;
IMPORTANT TO THE CIGAR TRADE.

IMPORTANT TO THE CIGAR TRADE.
We have recently had our attention called
70 new andimportant improvement in the
manufacture OF cigars, and as it is one that is
clearly destined to revolutionize the cigar bust
ness, we have had one of our reporters, who
is specially conversaut with tho tobacco and
cigar trade, to interview the inventors and
patentees. The invention was patented May
"A, 1878, by Messrs. j. & A. Frey. These
gentlemen have had many years experience
IN the cigar business. The cigars are made
principally of the very best seed and Havana
tooaccos, with closed tucks, and amongst the
advantages they possess over all other cigars
may be mentioned: A positive retention oi
the aroma Of the fller-its loss by evaporation
being impossible. better, quicker and en-
urely round light; and they will not break
when carried in the pocket. These are advan-
'ages which will be recognized by every
smoker as being OF the greatest Importance
IN short, it m y be said that Messrs. j. & A.
Frey have made very decided hit with their
new idea. Noone can properly realize the deli
cacy of the flavor and aroma of q cigar made
IN this way until he makes a personal trial,
and this We advise our readers, whether in
The trade or not, to do. Even in the appear.
auee OF the cigar there is something novel and
attractive, the small, neat twist, which secures
and fasiens the whole, being a decided i'm
rroyement. Though the new patent cigar has
scen tor such short time before the public,
there are already indications that its manutac-
lure in the skilitul and experienced hands oil
The Messrs. Frey will prove wonderfully sue
'essiuI commercial enterprise.
The Sentinel. [volume] (Trenton, N.J.) 1880-1882, 1880-09-25
(From the Grocer, New York;

Messrs. j. & A. Frey's goods are noted for
their excellence OF manufacture and superior
quality Of stock used. Having had an expe-
renee OF twenty years they can satisfy any
taste, from the most iastidious to the most
ordinary. 1t is always well to know that
manufacturers are competent to judge properly
as to the quality of stock, and have thorough
insight into the details of their business, and
We can confidently recommend Messrs. Frey
to fill the bill in these respects.
The Sentinel. [volume] (Trenton, N.J.) 1880-1882, 1880-09-25
Sole Manufacturers and Patentees Of
Closed Tuck Cigars and the Min.
fature Glass Ballot Box
Cigar Box.

Opinions of the Press.
(From the Seminal, Trenton, ". J.)
The tobacco and cigar house of Messrs. j. s.
A. Frey is among the most respectable and
responsible in Trenton. Their goods will al.
ways be found to be exactly as represented.