The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1880-01-02
VARIETIES.

"A weak man-The one who can't "rase
q dollar.
AN Irish lover remarked that it is great
pleasure to be alone, especially whin yer
swateheart is wild ye."
brown" Can you break me five dollar
bill y Jones-."I should like to break it,
but unfortunately Pm broke myself"
What is the difference between farmer
and bottle of whisky? One husbands the
corn and the other corns the husbands.
If women are really angels, why don't
they fly over fence instead of making such
fearfully awkward job of climbing
I'D just like to see you," said blind
man to policeman who told him he would
lock him up if he didn't move on
-Housekeepers may be glad to know that
jelly, covered with pulverized sugar, will keen
without mold, if it is set away ON a high
shelf, where small boys cannot get at 1t.
"A big Yankee from Maine, on payineFs
bill in London restaurant, was told To.
sum put down didn't include the WaitS,gS
Wal he roared, II didn't eat any waittess
did I?' W
-" Money does everything for man" said
one old gentleman, pompously. yes" re-
piled the other one. but money won't do as
much for man as some men will do for
money"
-Phelim Ito tourist who has taken shelter
in a leaky shebeen) r." Dade an it's soaked to
the bone you'll be Citing wild the strames
through the roof Come outside, sorr-its
drier in the wet y
"A paper, commenting on the fact that
farmer nearly lost his life by sinking in
quagmire, adds "Men who do not subscribe
for newspaper must expect to be sucked in
every now and then"
"A young lady who ought to know, ac-
counts for the disposition of the average
young fellow to put his arm around a girls
waist, by the supposition that he is looking
for that rib that was taken from him so long
ago.
"A lady writes that she wants music with
sentimental words that almost silently flow
from the depth of concealed sorrow, revealing
a sad hearts tenderest emotion in n tone that
would melt an iceberg and crumble adamant
to dust"
-"Can dogs find their way home from
long distance?" asks an exchange It's ac-
cording to the dog. If it's one you want to
get rid of, he can find his way back home from
California. lifts good one, he's apt to get
lost if he goes around the corner.
"A lecturer was explaining to little girl
how lobster cast his shell when he had out
grown it. Said he, What do you do when
you have outgrown your clothes? You cast
them aside, do you not?" ooh, no" replied
the little one, 1--WE let out the tucks"
=" Maria" observed Mr. Holcomb as he
was putting on his clothes, there amt no
patch on them breeches yet" 81 can't fix It
now I'm too busy" Well, give me the
patch, then, an I'll carry it around with me.
don't want people TO think can't afford
the cloth"
"A member of the rhetorical class i'm GER
tain college had just finished his defamation
when the professor said: on, do You
suppose a general would address his soldiers
in the manner you spoke that piece ?" eyes,
sir, do was the reply, eff he was scared half
to DEATH"
"A gentleman complimented a lady on her
improved appearance. You are guilty of
fattery," said the lady. Not So" replied he.
for VOW you are as plump as partridge"
AT first responded she, 81 thought Won
guilty of fattery only, bat you are now ae-
tually making game of me-"
A wife wanted her husband to sympa-
thize with her in feminine quarrel; but he
refused, saying, "Tve lived long enough TO
know that one woman is as good as another,
fnot better" "And l." rctorted the wife,
"have lived long enough to know that one
man is as bad as another, if not worscw
-"IfI should marry Sarah Ann" said pro-
spective son-in-law to his swcetheart's moth
cr, 81 should frankly confess one thing in adj
vance am of rather hasty temper and apt
to get mad without cause" ooh, that'll be
all right" blandly replied the dear old lady;
81 shall go and live with you, and I'll see
that you always have cause"
An old lawyer in Philadelphia long had
the reputation of being the most courteous
man in the city, because he was always so po-
lite to his wife when he CHANGED to meet her
in the street but an ungenerous foe at last
discovered and made known the fact that the
old lawyer was near sighted and mistook his
wife for some other woman
The most original verdict was that of an
Irish jury before whom prisoner pleaded
" Guilty" throwing himself on the mercy of
the court. The verdict was mot guilty.
The Judge, in surprise, exclaimed, "Why, he
has confessed his crimew
The foreman responded ooh, my lord,
you do not know that fellow, but we do. He
is the most notorious liar in the whole coun-
try, and no twelve men who knew his charac-
ter can believe word he says"
So the prisoner escaped, as the jury adhered
to their verdict.