Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1880-02-04
FACTS AND FANCIBs.

q The baggage man is not chest pro.
tector.
This is joke by proof.reader, and it's
more than joke: 1t takes but little time
and space to turn mans laughter into man
slaughter.
Little Gertie latter waiting some time
for dessert)- -" Uncle, don't you have any,
thing after dinner?" eyes, dear; the
dyspepsia.
The only market reports boys care any
thing about is the rise and fall in leather
when the mother holds her shoe in her 90, d
right hand.
If man whistles in the street as if he
were calling dog, from three to seven
men will stop suddenly and look about. Is
Darwin right?
A milkman makes an excellent candidate
for Office. Practice with the pump-handle
enables him to shake hands without eX-
periencing fatigue.
A sailor is not sailor when he is board
sailor IS not sailor when he is shore f;
but he must be either ashore or aboard
therefore sailor is not sailor.
Teacher Peter, of what shape is the
earth? ~ Peter" Round, sir" Teacher
I" And how do you know that?" Peter
50 Why, sir, you told us so yesterday. "
The young lady who worked pair of
slippers for her beau, with the unique de-
sign of a coiled snake on each, doesn't go
to the theater at his expense any more.
Ii man would keep both integrity and
independence free from temptation, let him
keep out of debt. Franklin said, at is
hard for an empty bag to stand upright.
A preacher, while instructing class of
urchins, told them God could do every
thing whereupon one of them asked
So Can God make rock so big that he can't
lift it 2"
The Frenchman who proposes to search
the Red Sea for the remains of Pharaoh's
army should first discover the bulrushes in
which Moses was hid, and then follow up
the trail.
is business good =" inquired friend
of an undertaken Business good :" he
reiterated. 'You bet-two in walnut,
two in rosewood, and three on ice at this
blessed moment"
Would you know this boy to be my
son from his resemblance to me ?" asked
gentleman. MIR. Curran replied, eyes,
sir; the makers name is stamped upon
the blade
Sioux City has grocer named Damhim.
"Where did you get this butter!"
From the grocer, Damhim, responds the
gentle wife; and the husband looks as if
he had been anticipated.
When the girl who has encouraged
young man for about two years suddenly
turns around and tells him that she can
never be more than sister to him, he can
for the first time see the freckles on her
nose.
A shirt has two arms just as pantaloons
have two legs. Yet one IS called a pair and
the other is only one Isn't it time we let
up on astronomy and paid more attention
to the everyday trihes that vex the clearest
mind
A little girl who had fallen out of bed
said at first: cit was because | slept too
near the place where got in" Then cor
recting herself she said "No, it was be-
cause | slept too near the place where
fell out p
Maud" And now you've shown me all
your favors, dear, do tell me who was
there-the men, of course, mean" Alice
-"Oh, let me see There were lots of
Harvard men, of course-yes, and some
real men"
The deer is supposed to be happy ami
NAL How little we can judge by appear
ances. Doubtless with the deer, as with
the human family, "every hart knoweth
its own bitterness. For further particulars
ask the deer stalkers.
Mr.. S., young lawyer, wishing to cite
a celebrated authority on q certain point
in a case he was conducting, could not
remember it. The opposing counsel, we'll
known wit, remarked : Though lost to
cite, to memory dear.
The Norristown Herald tells a good
story about a ruralite who purchased an
alarm clock one day last week and re-
turned it the next afternoon. He said that
1t made such an internal racket in the
morning that he couldn't sleep.
Scene-A public dining room on the av-
enue. whats that, a niger funeral ?''
"No, sir, replied an indignant waiter.
Not if we sons of Ham know ourselves
it would have been niger funeral
twenty years ago. Now it is a colored in
terment."
A gentleman met stranger on the street,
grasped his hand cordially and exclaimed,
in tones of polite but uncertain recogni-
ton Mr.. Brown, believe % eff you
believe that, calmly replied the stranger,
whose name was Hamilton, you'll be-
lieve anything"
Maria" observed Mr.sHolcomb as he
was putting on his clothes, there amt no
patch on them breeches yet. - ." can't
around with me. don't want people to
to think l can't afford the cloth. "