The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1880-07-23
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Ting his pension papers emitting him TO
$3.50 arrears, remarked as he lett the
City Hall. SPY George, if could
meet the dastardly rebel that shot me,
l would treat him.
s'It this coffee is gotten up in board
ing house style again to-morrow- morn
lug, think | shall have good grounds
tor DIVORCE said cross husband the
other morning. "I don't want any of
your saucer" retorted his wife, E'and
what I've sediment"
The length of time that that Snitkins
girl will spend over a fve-cent plate of
ice cream when in company with lier
Charles Augustus, while at home she'll
go through two complete editions OF
pork and beans in half that period, is
subject worthy of scientific investi-
gasion.
The lumber of one armed young men
seen driving out with young ladies
these summer evenings is truly appall-
ing. An old soldier at our elbow says
that one arm is invariably lost during
an engagemeut.-Loch7oort Union.
We admire cheek bnt when a paper
comes to us with blue-penciled
joke which was originally copied from
the cuneitorm writings of an Assyrlan
ruin, then do we cry with Cain :''This
Is greater than we can bear %
Propriety: Light-mindei young
Surely, Aunt Margaret, you're
not going to wear your spectacles in the
water 2" Aunt M.-"Mdeed l am.
Nothing shall induce me to take off an
other thing.'
Lotta is to be married, i: is said, and
has gone into training for the ceremony.
She thinks that with few months
pract ce she can learn 10 walk from the
vestibule to tie cha,cel without kick
lug more :han five times.
A young man who held loaded pis-
tol to his head and threatened TO blow
his brains out unless the girl who had
refused him would consent to have him,
was cooIly told by her that he would
have to blow some brains into his head
first. He didn't blow.
"When girl gets mad and rises from
el!Uw'r kuee," says al exchange, ''bnt
thinks better OF it and goes back again,
that's what they call relapse" Cor
rect, dut when the head of the family
happens to witness this ":elapse" it is
generally followed by COLLAPSE At
least that's what VS. heard fay-we
don't speak from experience on this sub
ject.
''Ihis is Lice time OF night for you
to be coming in ;" said mother to her
daughter, who returned from walk et
10 % clock. 'When was like you"
continued she," my mother would not
allow me out later than Z O'clock"
"Oh, you had nice sort Of mother"
murmured the girl. 81 lad, you young
Jade" said the mother, "a nicer mother
than ever you had"
Exchange Ficnd-W Whenever you wait
nv advice don't hesitate to ask for it.
Newspaper man-Thanks; l would
like some advice just now.
call right; shall only be too hap
py."
sCan you tell me how in the world
can induce yon TO leave without hurting
your feelings ?"
81 don't think you need much advice
on that subject
lie retires in indignation and with
most of the exchanges.
Men make the laws, women make
the customs.
When big trees begin to tl.oot it's
about time tor little bushes to leave
Nan, the famous New York newsboy,
has been appointed pnlicemab, for di-
verse reasons.
The acrobat in the circus is really the
man who introduces the spring styles.
Why are the supporters of General
Weaver similar to the supporters of
Courtney? Cause they are green-back
ers.
The biiod man should be the most
coutented man in the world because he
can have everything he sees.
! A Boston physician says that high
heeled shoes ruin the eyesight. He
may save his eyes by turning them in
another direction.
No woman was ever known to mar
ry man whose first remark on being
introduced to her was about the wealth
er.
At the end of funeral notice pub
lished in an Indiana paper appears ::
HN T2-this funeral not 10 ha ,,ostnoy