Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1880-07-09
f U N
A Model Hotel.


A Model Hotel.
This hotel was built and arranged for
special comfort and convenience of the
travelling public.
On arrival. each guest will be asked low
he likes the situation, and if he says the
hotel ought to have been placed nearer the
railroad depot, the location of the house
viii pe Immediately changed.
Corner front rooms, up only one flight,
for each guest.
Bath, gas, water-closet, hot and cold
water, laundry, telegraph, fre-alarm, res
4 tauTant. bar-room. billiard tables, daily
papers, coupe, sewing machine, grand
piano, clergyman, and all other modern
conyeniences in every room.
Meals every minute if desired, and con-
sequently no second table.
English, French, and German diction-
aries furnished every guest, to make up
such bill of fare as he may desire, with
out regard to the bill Of fare afterwards at
the Office.
Walters of any nationality and color if
desired.
Every waiter furnished with libretto,
button-hole bouquets, full dress suits, ball
tablets, and his hair parted in the middle.
Every guest will have the best seat in
the dining hall, and the best waiter in tie
house.
Any guest not getting his breakfast red
hot, or experiencing a delay of fifteen
seconds after giving his order for dinner,
will please mention the fact at the mama
gers Office, and the cooks and walters will
be blown from the mouth of the cannon in
front Of the hotel at once.
Children will be welcomed with delight,
and are requested to bring hoop-stcks
and haWkeys, to bang the carved rosewood
furniture, specially provided for the pur
pose, and peg-tops to spin on the velvet
carpet; they will be allowed to bang on the
piano at all hours, fall down stairs, carry
away dessert enough for small family in
their pockets at dinner, and make them
selves as disagreeable as the fondest moth
er can desire.
Washing allowed in rooms; ladies-giving
an order to s'put me on a fiat iron, " will be
put on one at any hour of the day or
night.
A discreet waiter, who belongs to the
Masons, Odd Fellows, Sons of Malta,
Knights Of Pythias, K. o. Ms and M. D.
KS, and who was never known to tell the
truth or the time of day, has been employ
edNto carry milk punches and hot toddies
to the ladies' rooms in the evening.
The Office clerk has been carefully selec-
ted toplease everybody, and can lead in
prayer, play draw poker, match worsteds
in the village store, shake for the drinks
at any hour, day or night, play billiards,
good Walter, can dance the German, make
fourth at euchre, amuse the children,
repeat the Beecher trial from memory, is
a good judge of horses; as railroad Oh
steamboat reference is far superior to APP
pleton's or anybody else's guide, will 1irt
with any young lady, and not mind being
cut to death when ''Pa comes down.
don't mind being damned any more than
a Connecticut river, can room forty people
in the best room in the house when the
hotel is full; attends to annunciator and
answers questions in Greek, Hebrew,
Choctaw. Irish, or any other polite Ian
guage, at the same moment without turn
ing hair.
Dogs allowed in any room in the house,
including the whine room. Gentlemen
can drink, smoke, swear, chew, gamble,
tell shady stories, stare at the new ar
rivals, or indulge in any other innocent
amusement common to watering places,
in any other part of the hotel.
The landlord will always be happy to
hear that some. OF her hotel sis the best in
the country"
Special attention given to parties who
can give information as to show things
are done in YEWRUP.''
A man stopping his paper, wrote to the
editor: II think folks orten to spend their
money for payer, my daddy, diddent. and
everybody sed he was the intelligest man
in the country and he had the smartest
family of boys that ever dugged taters.''
An author of mediocre merit declared
his desire to write upon a subject which
had never been written upon, and never
would be again. "You have only to write
your own eulogy," said Plron.
A schoolmistress thinks that pupils
ought to have hearty laugh every day.
This might be brought about by the
schooImistress reading her love letters to
her pupils.
The amount Of dirt found at the bottom
of crock of milk sometimes suggests the
probability that the dairyman has been
milking mud's cow.
A husband telephoned to his wife:
ssWhat have you for breakfast, and how is |
the baby?' The answer came: "Buck-
wheat cakes and measles. -
Distinguished America travelling in |
Russia: "Here's nice fix I'm in. Inyi- |
ted to dine with the Gar, and no insurance
on my life,"
A young man boasted that he had a we'll
stored mind, whereupon young lady
murmured: "What pity we can't find
out where he stored it"
An ordinary woman's waist is thirty
inches round. An ordinary man s arm is
about thirty inches long. How admirable
AIR, rrorHc n poturo