davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1880-03-12
WIT AND HUMOR.

LAWYER sQUEAK's MAIDEN SPEECH.
sMAyr please the court, said Lawyer Squeak"
Il rise 70 say q word-to speak.
In point of TACT. concerning such
Ma ters may amount TO much
Not that would myself commit,
Blu. still, I've this TO lay, to-wit:
The plaintiff here. this same John Doe,
Has gone and sued old Richard Roe.
And charges him fold Rce) with tort
And now bis lawyers rip and snort.
Dec airing damages mus come,
IL they drive Roe from house and home.
Now. Doe stands h re, my bosom Il lend;
I'll stand by him cen TO the end
He claims his right. and his rivht 20 claim
He has right. There blame
Devolve on him who stands 10y law
This doctrine IL without flaw:
AID now, with every point and fact
Nodded in argument compact
feel that can now stand by
The present, and the future defy T.
An eagle screams on Pixies tall peak
Whose eagle! Answer. freemen-- speak,
Over this court. and bench and bar,
There waves flag with stripe and star
ewhose hagY ask, and how and why
Were bird and fig not born 10 die!
The answer comes from Bunker's Hill
IL thuDders from the valley stilll
Now will this court and Jury dare
The W. b and woof of law to teary
Neveri feel 1t in my heart
That you will act well your parti"
Then Squeak sat down mid great app ause,
And words of cheer and loud hurrehs
When the Judge, with a griu. said, Mr.. Squeak,
sir,
Which side-which side, sir, did you speak fori"
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1880-03-12

things in my own life I didn't care for
even you to know. When / tirst met
you in the regiment had just served a
term OF two years in the Ohio peniten-
tiary.'
$50 you're prison bird, are you
eyes, I'm prison bird. Iloved that
woman and married her. We had
scarcely been married three months be-
fore We were both arrested charged
with stealing, and the goods, roll OF
black silk, was found in the house. 1t
had been stolen from a dry-goods store
one day when we were both In town. 1
had heerd of kleptermaniacs-peo
who can't help bnt take things, and l
couldn't call my wife's offense stealing.
I couldn't bear to see her, young and
delicate, 20 to prison; 30 / confessed
that myself had took it, and, on plea
of guilty, was sent up. Well, the part
ing between us was bitter one, but l
thought 1 had done my duty. But in
less than six weeks that woman applied
for a divorce from me, an got it, on the
ground of my bein' in the State prison
me, who had gone there to save her.
elf you'd told me this sooner I'd
prob'ly have believed it. Now think
you're tryin' to pull the wool over my
eyes some more.
Well, stranger, this made me mad
der'n bear with gum bile, and there
was nothin' for it but blood. We both
made our little arrangements in case of
accident, and then each got behind a
tree. My plan was to watch my chance
and at the first show to let fire. Soon /
see the top of his hat sticking out from
the side of tree, an was about to let
him have it, when one of those Injun
stories came in my mind. Then see
through his little game. Not much,
says l to myself, an empty hat on a
ramrod to draw my fire. Then stuck
my head out to draw his, not havin'
much respect for shot-gun--they
scatter so-an' thinkin' 1 could get my
leg in again before he fired. But !
didn't. He let me have it, an brought
me down. But held on to the revol-
yer, and, as 1 fell-he had come from
behind his tree-I fired, but missed.
Dave threw down his gun and rushed
toward me, crying like baby. ]
drawed up to let him have it, but he
never finched. All right, Jim, old
pard, 1 deserve it as an ungrateful dog.
"That was too much for me, stranger
and I throwed the derned weapon away
for fear somethin' might happen. Next
/ knowed Dave had his arm around me
huggin' me, and then-I jest got lost
completely. Guess it must o. been from
loss of blood. When things came round
again, was in that cabin, and Dave
and the man of the house, and the tidy
little woman in the white apron were
standing over NE, and blast my eyes il
the owner of the cabin wasn't my broth
er Josh, which I didn't know him from
Adams off OK, on account OF the hal
on his face. And 1 got well, all but this
limp, and Dave forgot the gras;
wilder, married the tidy little woman'i
youngest sister, and settled down only
three miles from Josh. But you bo
Josh's wife has been learned lessor
she won't soon forgit. What? Why
not to lay ont thirteen eggs for dozer
without notifyin' me. Oh, me? Why
I'm the vagabond 1 allus was.
"Here, barkeep', fill these up agin.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1880-03-12
QuIPS.

ADVICE to persons thinking of divorce
Never dis pair.
The Siamese Twins were the cham
pion double scullers.
WHY is d like adrunkard' 8 life? Be
cause it ends bad.
WHAT is better than promising
young man? A paying one.
A BAR that in .ustrious men do not
hesitate to patronize-The crow-bar.
THERE is but one easy thing to bor-
row, and that we don't want trouble.
A PENNSYLVANIA man has a hog so
years old. This must be ancient
grease.
In this country it was Powhattan
who originated the idea of getting up
club.
If some artists could be hung with
their pictures OF art exhibitions, these
affairs would not be without their good
results.
A LITTLE child was asked, "Where DO
you live?" Turning to its mother, who
stood near by, the little one said, where
mother is, there is where live"
A BEAUTIFUL answer was given by
little Scotch girl. When her class was
examined, she replied to the question,
"What is patience?" "Wait wee, and
dinna weary"
IT'S rather discouraging to young
man, when he goes for the first time to
get shaved, to have the barber tell him
he's forgotten to bring his beard with
him.
The small boy who can ride three
wheeled velocipede in the hall, and beat
drum at the same time, has qualities
calculated to make home happy when he
is not well.
Mrs. LANGTRY is described as having
been an ethereal-looking child with
| floating hair. 1t is the ethereal looking
cook with floating hair to whom the
butter is indebted for looking as though
| il had used hair restorative.
A LITTLE boy, just beginning to talk,
had been given piece Of candy by his
father, and was enjoying it. His moth
er, who sat by, pretending to feel badly.
said, Give it to mamma?' Turning
slowly away, there came back from be-
tween the nearly closed teeth, "Mam-
mall choke"
A LITTLE boy went with his father to
see colt. He patted the colts head
and made quite fuss over it, until
finally the stable-man told him to be
careful that the colt did not turn round
and kick him. When the little chap
went home his mother asked him what
he thought about the colt. Il like him
pretty well, was the reply. "Hes real
tame in the front, but he's awful wild
behind"
JOHNNY has never learned anything
about figures. On Independence day
circus came to town, and, after the
procession had passed the house where
Johnny lives, he had much 70 tell of
what he had seen to all his little
friends; but he told some very long and
large stories, ard one day he said that
he saw in the procession, marching side
by side, 1900 elephants! That's a
whopper," said Henry Nickle; II don't
believe that" WELL" said Johnny,
II saw funny camel. anyway, and L
can believe that myself"
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1880-03-12

THERE are some men so homely that
pretty women fly to them and marry
them Tor PHYS sake. Why, man may
be so ugly that his face actually aches
from pain caused by it's terrible shape,
and yet that man will become owner
and proprietor of one of the sweetest
little women in the world.
The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1880-03-12
Ambiguous.

"Dear Nellie, don't let tho men come
too near you when counting" "Oh,
no, dear ma. When Charlie is here we
always have one chair between u.s."
Mother thinks the answer is rather am
biguous.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21
Condensed Locals.

McKendree chapel temperance meeting to-
morrow afternoon. See ad.
The price of the double sheet STAR Is the same
as the single sheet-two cents-and the postage
Is but one cent to any part Of the United States.
The Sons OF Jonadab C4OSed the series OF tenn
perance meetings in Mckendree NJ. E. church
last night, Jere Williams in the chair, Mr.. Par
malice secretary, and Miss Fannie Gartrell Or
ganist. Speeches were made by Messrs. Ives,
Moore. Eggleston, Humphrey aud Williams.
The Alexandria Gazette says that Mayor Smith
returned TO that city Thursday night. He funded
the bonds awaiting his signature and the seal
of the corporation and attended to other import
ant business and left for New York Friday
Right, as his wife continues dangerously Ill,
and there is little II any hope of her recovery.
The many friends of Mr.. Thomas r. Downing,
will be sorry to learn Of his death after brief
illness.
The jury in the case of Frank Minor, who
shot Cleaveland in Fairfax county, Va, some
time ago, were discharged yesterday, beingkun-
able to agree.
The Keene Guards, of Keene, n. H., will ar
rive in this city during the month OF April, en-
their tour to Richmond, Va. and will be the
guests OF the Washington Light Infantry.
The Rev. VIM. Foster Morrison. who has &C.
cepted the position of assistant minister In AS
censiOn parish, will enter on his duties here on
the 25th inst The growth of the congregation
subscription for the purpose was promptly
made on an appeal from the associate rector.
The Sunday Gazette tomorrow will be found
very interesting paper.
A meeting of the 1ourneymen plasterers of
this city is called at Becks Hall tonight. See
advt.
The members OF the Capital Bicycle Club VIII
have grand meet on Monday next for run to
Marlboro, Md. from the club room, Sl3 10th
street northwest.
The case OF Won Lear agt. Won Zuelin-the
patent binder caSe-waS to-day discontinued by
compliments attorney, Gen. MuSSey.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21
ECZEMA ON THE SCALP,
Breast and Limbs Cured.

Messrs. WEEKS l. POTTER: Genaen.en.-I cannot
refrain from adding debt of gratitude to you for
having placed within my reach the wonderful o.
sary all further experiments Of physicians, and in
remarkably short space of time have rid me of
loathsome disease. dispensed with all physicians
two years ago. believing they did me no good The
CUTICURA has stopped this unsatisfactory expense
even If were necessary and had the courage any
longer to follow their advice-and brought the long
lOoked-for cure and happiness.
I have been afflicted with Eczema or Salt Rheum
on my scalp. breast, and limbs for five years, dur
ing which time have been under the treatment of
physicians, or at mineral springs, or taking some
kind of medicine. have been treated by Drs. =
and taken numbers Of patent medicines, all without
the faintest approach to q cure.
April l last I began the use of CUTIcUnA, which
ing me. I hsye not had clean scalp for Is years
until the use OF the entirely healed it and
left it clean and healthy. The other parts of my
body were afflicted in more aggravated form, but
are now completely healed. believe myself com
pletely cured: shall continue the CUT1cURA RE
SOLVENT as directed for its wonderful action on the
stomach and bowels and cooling influence on the
many cases. to urge the afflicted to use these won
derflu remedies.
Yours. etc, STEPHEN CROwELL.
NEW BEDFORD, Sept 80. 1878.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21

LARGE AND IMPORTANT SALES OF REAL ESTATE.
Several OF the largest sales of unimproved real
estate that have been made since the panic of
1873, have been negotiated within the past week
by the firm OF Fitch, Fox & Brown. These gen.
tlemen have sold for the several owners four
lots fronting 95 feet on Vermont avenue, qmme-
diately south OF the residence Of Senator VIM
DOM near the Thomas circle to the Hon. Gar
dener Greene Hubbard, of Cambridge, Massa-
ehusetts, for the sum OF S26 $3.50 cash. Also
for Amman Jardin, esq, that beautiful building
site at the intersection of Rhode Island and
Connecticut avenues. fronting 50 feet on the
former by depth OF LII feet on the latter to
Prof Alexander Graham Bell, of Boston, for
81, e42. % cash. Both of these gentlemen will
private dwellings for their own use that will be
ornaments to the city, and furnish further proof
OF the growing popularity OF the national capt.
tai with men OF wealth and culture from all
sections OF our country. The same firm have
sold for John Brannon, part OF lot 2, in square
246, fronting On Massachusetts avenue, near
Thomas circle. TO Edward Weston, ESQ.,, OF New
York, for 81 600 cash. Also. for Geo. w. Riggs
esq, to Abram F. Barker, lot 25, In square 500,
for 81 14I.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21
GEORGETOWN.

REAL ESTATE SALE.-Mr Bowling, auctfoneer.
sold yesterday for o. C. Green, trustee, the west
part OF lot 1874, in Beatty and Hawkins addition
to Georgetown, fronting liz feet on the north
side of I'd, between High and Market sts., with
depth of $50 feet, improved by a frame house to
Jos. A. Gamble, for 81, $50.
ROBBERY.-Last night about midnight thieves
broke into Mr.. T. Sullivan's grocery store, on
LIST. corner Frederick street, through a front
window. It is supposed they were frightened
off, as but little was stolen.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21
A Young Man Hangs Himself.

AN EAPEklMENT CARRIED TUO FAR
About O'Clock last evening a young colored
man named Henry Parker, living at No. 2O22
street northwest, committed suicide by hang
ing. His stepfather, Thomas Young, living at
the same place. returned home from his work
about the hour named and noticed that the door
of his room was closed and locked. obtaining a
key from one Of the inmates OF the house he
proceeded to open the door, when his eyes fell
upon a mana rObber as he supposed-at the
closet with his face toward the wall. He called
In several neighbors and on investigation found
this strange looking man to be his son-fn-law,
suspended by the neck n0m the closet door,
dead. chair stood near on which it is thought
he stood to fasten the moose. and then jumped
from it, Some of the ne1ghbors expressed the
opinion that he did not intend to kill himself,
as he had taken the precaution to wrap shirt
around his neck to keep the rope from cutting
and had also made a knot In the rope to inter-
cept the slip-noose his motive being to aScer-
tain how man felt when being hanged His
friends can assign no other reason for the act.
He appeared in his usual spirits all day yester-
day, and nothing unusual was noticed by his
friends.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21
District government Affairs.

The D1strict COMMISSIONERS have authorized
the Health Officer to continue his organization
for the small pOX service for the present as pro-
posed by the Health Officer.
The Speaker laid before the House yesterday
communication from the District Commission
ers asking for an appropriation OF $4,000 for the
ST. AIMS orphan Asylum.
Joshua Lloyd was to-day reappointed an add
tional patrolman Of the Metropolitan police for
one year, to do duty in and about the horse
bazaar, Louisiana avenue, between 9th and 10th
streets northwest.
The Commissioners have requested Major
Hanneman to conduct the firing OF a salute of
13S guns from the north side of the Capitol,
grounds, at ~ O'Clock Monday, February 23d. in
pursuance OF permission received from the
Speaker Of the House of Representatives.
BUILDING PERMITS
issued by Inspector Entwise:-Dr Gunton
to construct two-story dwelling on Virginia
avenue. between 9Th and 10th SITS. s.w.; s., POO;
and twO-story dwelling on C ST., between 9th
and 10th; $l100
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21
CUTICURA SOAP,
Medicinal and Toilet.

Is prepared from CUTIcURA in modified form, and
is positively Indispensable in the treatment of Skin
and Scalp Diseases. We recommend it for the
preservation of the skins of infants for gentlemen
who shave and are troubled with tender faces, for
those who desire clean and wholesome Skin and
Scalp and for all purposes of the toilet, bath and
nursery. Its delightful and refreshing fragrance
equals or surpasses the finest Partisan Soaps.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21
LOCAL NEWS.


Amusements. &C., Tonight.
National Theater.-Ada Cavendish as LADY
Clancarty."
FOrds opera HOtse.-Mr. Macauley in "a Mes
senger from Jarvis Section"
Thedter ComtQ,te.-Blonde Folly Troupe; and
j. r. Weaver in "Toby."
odd FS,lO,rs' HdU.-"Uncle Toms Cabin"
TtINnlddge HdH.-Prof. Carpenters exhibit
tons Of meSmeriSn.
Congregational OhuTch.-LaSt lecture of the
series by Mr.. John Fiske on Americas Place in
History"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21

TIE LATEST LAY OF THE PICKPOCKET.-Some
enterprising pickpocket has this week been
turning to account the habit of the street car
conductors of carrying their change in their
outside coat pockets. On Wednesday night
Another evening '.Blue Line" conductor was
short between s. and 81, and several others
have reported various losses. 1t has always oc-
CURED on trip from 4th street to Brighton,
about O'Clock, when the cars are crowded. The
conductors have been comparing notes, and a
pickpocket who should happen to be detected at
work on one Of these cars at that time of day
would better fight thrash1ng machine single
handed than undergo the treatment he Will
have to meet.-[Ci,leinndtt Gazette.
tE-A pedestrian should know the Importance
OF breathing only through the nose Weston
would do much better by keeping his mouth
Shut.-N. Y. World.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21
CsLuloID and rubser eyeglasses at Prgg's. +

JURORS DRAwN.-The following were drawn
yesterday TO serve as jurors at the term of the
Criminal Court which commences March 1, and
Will be held by Justice James: Grand jurors
Henry Himber, W. l.. Freeman, j. Brad. Adams
Addison Day, Joseph T. Hodgson. James Mar,
TN, James A: Jenefer, John t. Cove, B. B. Dow
ell, James Mason, Henry Strauss, L. F. Cart
right, Marcus richardson, j. ID. Entwsle, D. +.
Colman, J. Reed Burroughs, j. j. Fisher, John
II: Rosenberg, Allen Dodge, Truman Ross
Petit 1urors-H Burroughs, George Emmert.
Robert Logan, j. c. Parker, G. Donaldson, c, H
Davidson. John Myers, E. A. Knoor George b.
Barnard, Gwynn Green, John f. Mahoney, A.
j. Deming, Horatio Browning. George w. Reit-
Beckett. c. c. Mckinney, Jr., David Howard,
James w. Davenport, John r. Murray, James
I. Wollard, Thomas Evans, William u. Barker.
John Patterson, Thomas u. Naudln.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21
Il RUNNING SORE
Cured in One Week.

Messrs. WEEKS PoTTER.-Some three or four
weeks ago ordered q box of CUTICURA for a bad
case of Salt Rheum. The back of one of my wife's
hands was running sore. In one week from the
day 1t arrived her hand was we'll and has remained
30 up to to-day. e. P. DAGGETT.
MILFORD, Me-, June 10, 1878.
NoTE.-Reader, don't you think these cures re-
markable?
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21

WHY WILL You SUFFER- with headache. con-
stipation, nervousness, or any disease OF the
nver and stomach, when so effectual remedy
is 10 be had as j. N. Laroque's Ambitious Bit
fe''s. For sale at your own druggists at 25 cts
a paper or q a bottle. W. E. THORNTON, Prop'r,
Baltimore, Md.
QUEER HEAD PANTRYMAN.-The Jesse Hoyt
a famous New York steamboat used to have
for head pantryman bent and crippled darkey.
whose face was as full of humor as his form was
OF kinks and knobs. His name was Robert
Smith, and his malady was chronic rheumatism.
He tried Giles Ltniinent IOftiSe Ammo"
WEN " -.a- present winter, and next season
intends to astohish his old acquaintance on
the Hoyt by his appearance as sound man.
Giles PITS cure ErySipelaS.
Sold by all druggists. Send for pamphlet.
DR.. GILES,
120 West Broadway.
olct1 az
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21

SALE OF PAINTINGS AT AEcTIoN-There is to
oe an important and valuable sale OF superb
collection OF paintings at the spaciO,,s ART pal-
Iery OF Myers Hedian, No. &c Nerth Charles
street, Baltimore, commencing on Monday even
ing and lasting through Tuesday and Wednes-
nrm assure the public that this collection Is the
nnest ever offered at public or private sale i'm
Baltimore, and guarantee every painting to be
the names OF distinguished artists certainly in
dlcates many works OF art in Oil and water
colors and coal drawing. Among the names
are B9ughton, Moran, Inness, Carl Becker,
Theo. Flere, J. G. Brown IN Al, Brern;er der,
many and Others The collection covers the
french, German, Italian, Belgian, Spanish.
fEngnsh aud American schools. IL appears to
oS an excellent opportunity for the amateur
amu cultured art lover to secure at public sale
so,ne ehoce selections In all of the various
Hhesn VI ART See the advertisement else
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21
CUTICURA
BLOOD And SKIN HUMORS,
The ScOurge of Mankind Old Methods
of treatment and remedies a failure.

CUT1cuRA REsoLvENT, the Great Blood Purifier
and Liver Stimulant, is the most searching, cleans
ing and purifying agent of this century 1t may be
in forty minutes after taking the first Dose showing
that it has entered the circulation and been carried
to part of the system. 1t forever eradicates
the virus Of SYPHILIS, Scrofula, Cancer, and Canker
those terrible blood poisons that rot out the ma
chinery of life, filing the body with foul corrup-
tons. Taken internally in conjunction with tie
external application of CUTICURA, the Great Skin
Cure, it speedily cures Scrofulous Ulcers and Old
Sores, Salt Rheum. Psoriasis. letter, RingWorm,
Scad Head, Dandruff, and all Itching and Scaly
Diseases Of the Skin and Scalp.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21
lericall Watches.


The American Watch Company OF Waltham
received last week an order from the British
government for 372 watches, intended for the
and other employees of the state railroads of In
dia. This is the third large order received by
the company from the same source, and, like the
former ones, was obtained in public competition
with foreign manufacturers. The London sJew-
eller and Metal-W orker," In its issue of January
Is, observes, in reference to this order:
"The contract for watches, to be used by the
officials on the Indian state railways, has again
been secured by the American Watch Company.
This is the third time Messrs. Robbins & Apple
ton have received this distinction which is not
barren one, for it must be evident to the most
prejudiced individuals that the timekeeperS sup
Piled on the previous occasions must have given
satisfaction, and answered the tests required of
them. This is notifying fact for Englishmep
especially for those who believe that were man
ufacturers here to show more enterprise they
would be able to compete advanrageously In the
manufacture of all grades OF watches. '-B)Ston
AdyeTtiSei'
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21

A WIFE AND DAUGHTER was made healthy by
the use of Hop Bltters, and / recommend them
to my people.-MethOdiSt Clergyman.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21

& Potter. Chemists and Druggists, $50 Washington
street. Boston. Mass, and for sale by all Drug
gists. Price Of CUTICURA, small boxes, so cents !;
large boxes. 81. REsoLvENr, 81 per bottle CUTI'
GURA SOAP, Is cents per cake; by mail, 80 cents :
three cakes, Is cents.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21

MnRRIAsE LICENSES have been issued Tn
Geo. Proctor and Laytnia Wallace: John W
FREEMAN and Louise Thurn; Alfred West and
mary Moore; J. w. d. Grange and Laura SHINE.
Lynn, Of p. w. Co., Va, and Bette Il. BroWner.
OF FAIRFAX Co, Va; Richard Chandler and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-02-21

THE THROAT Bro,rn's Bronchial ,Ti'oches'
act directly on the organs of the voice. They
have an extraordinary effect In all disorders of
the Throat and IarynX, restoring healthy
tone when relaxed, either from cold or over
exertion of the voice, and produce a clear and
distinct enunciation. Speakers and Singers find
the TrocheS useful. t,t&S