Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1880-07-06

ing purposes become frantic with rage, because
cannot afford to do likewise. shall burst in my
Indignation if l do not let loose the following:
The poet is now fast asleep in his chair,
Frustrated, perhaps, by mis- great load OF care
just note the position
/ Observe the sweet smile on his innocent lace,
OF sorrow and trouble not one single trace
Then why his condition?
The truth must be told though sad the story,
And ripples the calm of this great day OF glory,
The poets half full-of repose;
The LIQUID he takes ne'er stops in his head
But permeates through his whole system instead,
And settles at last in his nose.
Then why not diselaim against
At this point the Declaimer was uncere-
moniously Suppressed" by the "Jigadier
Brindle," Poet and others taking him from
his fight and rushing him off the back OF the
stage. After some more mu-slck from the
Awful Club the Poet, Sim Simpkins, was IN
troduced and Imposed upon the audience
as follows:
THE HORRIBLE POEM.
I'm a red hot poet, OF fantastic renown,
And I've just been dragged through the streets OF
Bya Horrible Committee was lately invited
To deliver the trash have just now indited.
When the American eagle first screamed DER the
land,
And disturbed every one of that wild Indian band,
1t attracted the notice of old Crissy Columbus.
But enough of this subject the theme is too stale,
So let us return to a more modern tale;
OF the time when forced all the red-coats to run,
And licked England's King, that old son-of-a-gun.
Again, let us speak of the news as it rang
Through the town, that we founded at last the
chain gang;
In its train there followed most curious crowd,
To gaze on the form of the famous Jack Dowd.
So let us refer to the days when we found
That ice was to sell for one cent to the pound
When the machine got to working the monopoly
down,
The next work it did was to work out of town.
But still there's our Board of refined Education,
And the wrange and jangle of its investigation;
The wheel of dissension made to move slower
By the lawyer-like tactics of noted Hornbower.
And then there's our militia the pride OF State,
Who parade through the streets be it early or late.
When arrayed in their harness on civilians they
lower,
But they're fond of the ladies, aso-whisky sour.
These last words are an interruption supplied by
the declaimer)
But remember our river, the child of the flood,
While drink it, il )ls up our stomachs with mud
1t washes our Clothes boils potatoes and meats,
And sometimes tbs used (but very SELDOM to sprin-
ke our streets.
Then our sidewalks AID oil their raised spikes in
row
Cause YOU loudly to swear as you stub your big toe
While the charming young maid at your side gives
For that nail has torn off the best part of her trail
Don't forget those old boys who, of course are our
peers,
And belong to the band called the gay Pioneers;
OF 49's days they sit all night and blow,
And tell tales OF sunshine and sometimes OF Woe
Emma.
(This was another interruption. Here the poet
gets excited and does some dramatic work, but
finally proceeds as follows):
I'd have stayed for week but for this interruption,
And peddled out bosh for your better instruction,
But now that it's done, all ideas that were new
Have fled from my head, SO I'll bid you adieu.
After some more music by the Club, in
which their burlesque brought an.encore and
was repeated the s'Horratorn horrated as
follows:
THE GRAFTON.
.. Most benevolent malefactors most potent, grave
and reverend saloon-keepers 1t was but few
moments ago that 1t came TO my notice that |
should have the misfortune to ifiict you with this
ornate gush of oratory. This efusion OF mine is as
spontaneous the essay is improlnptu. began
work on this Grafton some three months ago, and
am glad to say haven't got through with it yet,
and don't know any who have asmuch cause for con-
gratuations on that account as yourselves | can
assure you, my patriotic malefactors, am taken
quite by surprise, and having had no preparation
whatever, / scarcely know what to say. l must re-
mark however, that what annoys me most is how
going to make half of you hear what Isay and
how am going make the other half understand what
say after Ihave saidit. No, my august maefactorS.
The proof of the pudding is in annoying the cat.
How is it possible for us to duly appreciate our fore
fathers after they have been dead long? 1t can't
be done except in imagination, and you all know or
ought to know what that will do. When General
Washington first discovered that there was some
thing wrong with the water works, didn't he COM
La. ka.i
And now ask you, in all seriousness, what did he
do about it! But enough of such moody subjects
But let go into the well OF science, and discover
if possible what the thoughts of Michael An
gelo when he lying the small OF his back, on
the end of bean pole, painting the dome Of St.
Peters. All my benevolent malefactors a burning
| thought strikes and goes whirling through my
seething brain. The only man who could tell you
| is dead.
| But enough of this The distressing state of af-
fairs in Boghanistan and Balloehistan has thrown
Bismarck in a lachrymose condition, and he has re-
signed his position as conductor OF the Government
| beer wagon When the Gar of Russia shook hands
with the Sianese twins in the year COS who would
have thought that it would have caused trouble at
the Sandwich Islands? Nobody! And il the truth
must be told, give me liberty give me something
else oh, We gods does this seem like ambition !?
No Let us bury him decently.. The funeral knell
OF Uncle Toms cabin was toiled when the Fireworks
Committee concluded to shoot the Fourth of July
into next week on the end Of sky-rocket. That
is the kind of a Par-Simmons for David.
Oh you who are the boidest of malefactors, con-
template the evils which FIJI blooded gas monopoly
may celebrate, and ask yourselves why it is that
the north pole so persistently refuses to come for
ward and show itself. That's the pole that takes
the Par.Simmons. The nations OF the earth may
trembe at instructions, but the lone policeman will
still continue to go to sleep on his beat, and the
country politicians to lie like thunder and spit
| the bar-room stove.
But must avoid the classics The incongruities
are so glaringly apparent that the instrumentalty
OF the attainments suffer by comparison
1.-THE maiden sung her tuneful Tyre,
The monkey climbed the tree;
The boy stood on the burning deck,
| And the baby caught fee"
read the beautiful and touching lines on the fly
leaf of last years almanac and as did not fully I'M
derstand their full meaning, concluded TO digest
/ them here for your edifcation.
/ Again let me revert to the matter OF railways
There is nothing which viii take the place OF sew
| ing machine except a scoding wife or rag doll
| And in conclusion, brave fellow-maefactors, gaze
| with me upon this beautiful banner, and resolve
with me that sooner than have one star dimmed OIL
\ one stripe sullied, we will hang the ocean ON
| grapevine to dry lasso an avalanche with a tow
string pin napkin to the mouth OF volcano
/ skim the clouds with teaspoon throw salt on the
tail Of the American eagle, whose sleepess eye eve
watches over the welfare of the nation paste fo
rent on the moon and stars, but never for single
moment delude yourselves witk the idea that beel
| will ever be less than five cents glass.
- pun COuGlhStOh VI bLC tiaIoA tbO 11Wiu
Club most successfully made awful wori
singing the Star-Bangled Spanner," which
was followed by few earnest, PATRIOTS
words by the Poet, when all joined in tire,
cheers and tiger for American Independence
and the proceedings of the Horribles wa
closed.
The Judges, consisting of ID. M. Burns, o
P. Dodge, John F. Sheehan, Richard Dale ant
J. T. Toomey, made the following
AWARDS OF PRIZES.
Best group not less than ten. First prize
"Slcinhim's Shouting Band !" second, '.Mod
ern Egyptians"
Group not less than FIVE. First prize
"Chain-gang !" second prize, " Saur Kraut.
Group OF two to four inclusive. Firs
prize, s'Archery;" second prize, "WooleI
Mills" third prize, " Chinese Laundry y
group of three.
Best sustained local character. "Woolf
the Bell-ringer, !" second prize, ''Dentist-Dr
Light"
Best political character. Judge Delo
| Lake !" second prize, "Denis Kearney, Bruce
and Pinchback, delegates to Chicago Conven
tion.".
Best sustained character. "Topsy )" sec
| ond prize, "Colored Barber"
Best poem, I. b. Reid.
Best defamation, j n. Larkin.
Best grafton, II. o. White.
Thus ends horrible chapter.