Connecticut western news., 1880-11-24
WIT AND WISDOM.


 THE baker is always willing to work when he kneads bread.
 WHEN the leader of choir gets the right pitch he sticks to it.
 AVOID a pair of boots that the shoe maker says you cannot wear out.
 COAL is so black that it is wonderful how dealer can make ton so light.
 "SEE here, mister," said lad who was treed by dog, eff you don't take that dog gawayI'l eat up all your apples"
 "DEN1s FLYNN, an ex-policeman of Buffalo, is anxiously sought for but can not be found," says an exchange. Denis evidently thinks he is still on the force.
 WE ARE informed that gloves will be worn this winter with no more buttons than they had last year, unless some way is discovered of lengthening the woman's arms.
 HARVARD Student (who has just failed in Chinese sentence to Professor). ''Thou tea-chest-" Professor (furious) -" What you dare to-" Student (calmly proceeds) )-"Thou tea-chest a most difficult language"
 HE WAS informed that lady had called to see him in his absence. "A lady," he unused, aloud; Ca lady," Up on an accurate description he suddenly frightened up, and added: "Oh, dot vas no lady; dot vas my wife,"
 CONVERSATION heard on the front platform of 8 street car: ''Does yez tell me there was niver sich man as Mercy that writ the Chinese letter?" sSure the mans oaon mother-mark ye -swears as how he never was in exis- tence p
 A TIRED mother was looking rather cross and sullen the other evening when her little four-year- daughter said to her: "Mother, haven't been 8 good little girl to-day?" "Yes," replied the mother. "Well, then," said the child, "why don't you smile upon me?" WITH most kind words, Fairface caioled his
 friend,
 
 know thy fortune Is but very scant, But never will see my friend in want" Dick, soon in jai believed his friend would free him;
 He kept his word-in want he ne'er would see
 him.
 REFERRING to the rumor that Clara Louise Kellogg is to marry a French marquis, an exchange says: "The general run of French marquises are worth about ten cents apiece, or three for 8 quarter. If Clara can find one worth ten cents straight, she will be doing great work"
 CUSTOMER to grocer-That cheese of yours is too full of holes. I don't like it. Haven't you any other? Grocer You don't seem to see that the more holes there are the more cheese it takes to make a pound. Customer-I never thought of that. Give me two pounds or, no, half pound will do as well.
 LAWYER KoNUsKY, in an argument on a divorce suit in New Orleans, held that a husband had the legal right to make his wife stand in a corner with clothes pin on her nose elf such mild means of compelling obedience are forbidden" '" he said, "what is to become of the hus- bands authority as the master of his household?'
 SINGULAR, but you can't hire woman to patronize lady dentist. The trouble seems to be that the dentist allows her eyes to roam all over the customers dress, takes in the color, material, trimming, style, and estimates the cost, while she idly wanders all around in the sufferers mouth with probe, and iabs it at random into any cavity it happens to touch.
 "YoU ought ter have been ter the pantermime," said Jimmy Tuffboy. ''That's the fun more pounding with stuffed clubs, and smashing window glass and stealing sausages, and getting the best of the 'cop,' and, and-oh-" "'Twasn' half so funny as the picnic at our house last night" said his listener. 'Pa chucked the servant girl under the chin and ma caught him at it. May be there wasn't pantomime then."
 ONE day at the club two men got into an agry altercation, pn political sub- ject of course. The one said in great heat, "Sir, hate your King William and spit upon him." The other, not to be outdone in violence, replied, "And I, sir, hate your James 1T. and spit upon him." "Jerrold, who happened to be listener, brought them instantly to their senses and to good humor by crying out, "Waiter, spittoons for two, if you please"
 A sAD.LooKING man went into 8 Burlington drug store. "Can you give me-" he asked, something that will drive from my mind the thoughts of sorrow and bitter recollections ?" And the druggist nodded and put him up a little dose of quinine and wormwood, and rhubarb and epson salts and a7dash of castor oil, and gave it to him, and for six months the man couldn't think of anything in the world except new schemes for getting the taste out of his mouth.
 AN EAST BOSTON father discovered that his daughter, who has soul fol , romance, proposed to elope. And h. didn't sit up with bull dog and shotgun to waylay the fugitives. Oh, no! HI went to his daughter and told her h. desired her to marry young man t naming her lover, and he would set hin up in good paying grocery business 3 and the young lady at once declares f she'd die rather than marry any mal f just to please her father.