Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1880-05-21


The Rochester Express complains that
the mornings get up too early
"Thev told her at the bank" SAYS a
Boston paper Did, ch? What did the
bank teller?
..No. ma am" said grocer t" an sp-
plicant for credit. Il wouldn't trust my
own feelings.
A man in Utah who has only the legal
number of wives is spoken of as, com
parativcly speaking, Il bachelor
Did it never occur to You why a lawyer
who is conducting disputed will case is
like Il trapczc performer i'll circus
Didn't? Well, its because he flies
through the heir with the greatest of
fees.
If Won can get one towel ont of one
ward of cloth. how many towels can You
get ont of two yards? The end man of
the Georgia minstrels says il depends al
together on how many there are on the
clothes line.
A German lost his wife, and the next
week married again, and his new vile
asked him to take her ont riding. He re-
piled You dinl. | ride ont mid anodcr
woman SO soon after the death Of mine
frau?"
Madame. who is of great cmbonpoint.
asks her husband in what character she
shall attend the masquerade. 'Asa cap
tive balloon, he said. How must dress
that character?' simply by tying a
string 10 vour foot = answered the brute.
Joseph Cook calls niagara Falls n
..,lateiess roar" He has not yet invent
ed Il term to apply TO the niagara hack
men. whose roar is Of more recent date.
Nothing less than Il six-syllaGled word,
with sharp corners and Jagged edges, will
do them justice.
Lawyer c. (entering the Office of
his friend Dr. NJ. and speaking in
hoarse Whisper Fred, I've got such
u cold this morning that can't speak the
truth" nr NJ 49,. well, I'm glad
that ii : nothing that will interfere with
your business.
If telephone, come into use for spread
in" sermons, the man who passes the CON
trihution-box will need horse and car
riarc.
The poor and the iIanlan Courtney
race we have always with us.
Few spcc;acIcs in this world are So i'm
posing rs that of college boy with his
first cane.
Talk is, cheap" ii? Just hire
lawyer once NgjacHS, U,rdid
When two dentists are partners, they
rarely quarrel they pull together. - Cin-
rinnan Saturday Night
The reason ''thr boy stood on the burn
ing deck" WAS because it was too hot to
sit down. - U'dfcl'l"o ObScrrcr.
All in the days work -a-James.
lou can take the dog ont for Al walk.
"if you please ma am, the dog won't fol
low me - .'ThO you must follow the
dog. james P,tnch.
An old misar, who was notorious for
sclf-denial, was one day asked why he
was So thin. Il do not know" said the
mser II have tried various means for
getting fnitcr. but without success.
Have you tried viciuals?' inquired II
friend
Jones had engaged a man TO dig well
at his suburban place Seeing HIM
month later Jones asked how he was get
ting along with his work. and was told
that the well was half done. Judge
therefore Of his surprise when, week
after this conversation, upon visiting the
premises, he found orl y a circ1c rur.I..I
:, th" o.rtii. Of course he hunted up
the man. and of course he asked him
what he meant by saying the well was
half done The man very coolly replied
so it is well begun is half done, you
know. = Boston TroHScript.
Now imcous winds. with Incidence.
Sigh N the vilc's proiIindiiy.
And hyprrhurc.In iruculruce
Has lost its njucunduy.
Whcrhcr fcathrred cusmopolItIns
In sweet cpmpagi Nitlnn sing,
Euricosis and oppIdinS
In pcrerrarion seek the spring.
The Arab who invented alcohol died
800 yeaIs ago. but his spirit still lives.
\ new species of fowl discovered in
Alaska is called ''thc plumber bird. 1t
has very big bill.
''Silence is golden" Aunt-''lIas any
one been at these preserves" dead 81
lencel. "IIavc you touched them. Jcm-
NV" Jenny PA never lows me 10
talk Mt dinner"