The Russellville Democrat., 1880-05-20

His body's getting frail,
 And thereon hangs tail,
 For he's bound for the happy land of canine.
 -Hackensack Republican
 ODE TO FISH WORM.
 Unlucky creaturei When the cruel hook
 Impales thee, ere plunge thee in the brook
 Thou canst not, by an agonizing yell
 The fearful torufes thou endurest tell
 nhou canst not, by thy countcnance, express
 Thy awful suffering and dire distress
 Ils only Tn Thy power to twist and squirm
 But can tell what that dost mean, 0, wormi And shall all this pain infct on thee7
 NC NO; masx ni ow % merey-. %s E al What do see
 big three-pounderi must have him oui
 For what are you to such prize, wormf
 Thy hour has come Get on that hoskl Don't Hal You resist mel 'Twill avail the naneht That trout still waits for thee. It must be Oh, drat Eve dropped the worm. and too, by
 snum, That cnssed hook Eve balted with my thumb, oonioul the thingi I've lost that worm, and The trout made off the minute that swore,
 EVENLY DIVIDED.
 Six medical experts examined q man as to his sanity and were evenly divided. After they had wraneled abont 1t for week 1t was discovered that they had examined the wrong person alto gether.- .--Detroit Free Press.
 BARNUM SHOULD HAVE THEM.
 It is now said that Cove. D. Bonnet. lately acquitted in Jersey City of the murder of policeman Smith, will lecture. Mr. Barnum will miss the greatest op- portunity of his life it he does notp Bonnet, Hayden, Jessie Raymond. Chas- tine Cox, and the Widow Oliver and at- tach them to his managerie as "happy family" There's"-several hundred dollars in It, Jnkno,on.
 HOW TO COOK A HUSBAND.
 A shert article going the rounds of the press is entitled How to Cook & Husband" If he had voice in tho matter he would prefer to be 'toasted"-- at the club; but when he gees home and kicks up family broil he ought to be "basted." A "chafed" husband is not desirable. Perhaps, after all, it would be best to pa boil him, for often pa boils with rage when he is obliged to meander up and down the chamber at midnight with squalling infant in his arms we've been told.-N Norristotcn Herald.
 WHAT THE PEOPLE DO. A few take their religion home from church with them, but most people leave 1t wrapped, like the chairs and pictures in brown holland to be kept clean for their return at the end of the season. This is good for the religion. and is often as delicate as the feather in lady's hat. and sea air takes the cur! out of one. and hops, germans and board walks make the other very limp; SO the wise woman leaveth her old clothes and re- ligion in the fastness of her dwelling place, and going forth to the sea-shoro she singeth and ducieth in the cool wa ter and winketh at her spouse or, If she be maiden, she blinketh at the spouse of some one else. or smiletn on the un- wise young man who skippeth also among the jelly-fish of the ocean, Boston Transcript.
 ST. LOUIS QUARTET.
 The magnificent quartet-Crawford Baker, Buskett and Field-who aston. ished the audience at Pope's the other night were so proud of their success that they took stand on the top step of the Post Office and began the rehearsal of new piece.
 "Come where my love lies snoozing," sang the tenor, ejecting quid of to- bacco from his left cheek.
 "The 'appy ours whey" chimed in the basso, placing cigarette between bis teeth.
 'Go way from dar!" shouted Beverly Jackson, the colored janitor, from the Inside. "No use hollerin'; de office won't open for half an hour"
 The quartet expect to go on starring tour next summer, and will visit Lead- vile and the Gunnison Country by per. mission of the Vigilance Committee.-- Globe Drmocrdt.
 SOME SUGGESTIONS TO MINISTERS.
 A circus never runs too long for spec tators, but let a sermon run over forty minutes and congregation can't sit still. -Detroit Free Press. Now we see no possible justification for comparison here. Just give the pious party a chance, if you please, and then fasten your critical tentacles on the congrega- vion, you sacrilegious old literary octo- pus. For instance: During the prefa- tory remarks of the minister, let h,m sit down on the unobstructed platform with his feet dangling over the edge, which he is to grasp with his hands, and then draw a leg over each shoulder, and we have him In position known as the frog attitude. This will secure attention for five minutes, and as the discourse ad- vances, he may unwind himself and stand erect, holding the left ley out hori- zontally and ciasping the left foot in the hand. No minister, however, should at tempt this feat unless he has every con- tidence in his pants. When he has re- maineG in this position two minutes and half, he might go through a like maneuvre with the right leg for tho same period, and thus ten minutes are consumed, i'll winch he has secured the wrapt attention of the congregation, and is prepared to get down to business. At this point he will resume his proper position, and whenever a passage is to be emphasized he will turn backward sommersault, alighting on his feet, head or any other part of the anatomy his proficiency will allow; and while awaiting the impressive silence after his peroration to strike in, he may make tour of the platform with backward hand-springs. These performances are merely suggested, of course, their adop- tion being advised only in the contin- gency that the minister is forced into competition with the circus, as our im- pious contemporary, we think gratuit- ously fore shadows Bostof, Transcript
 A LADY with fatal squint came once to fashionable artist for her portrait. He looked at her, and she looked at him