The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-01-15
PASSING SMILES.


HIGHWAY men-elevated railway
'nf
I THE man who borrows five dollars is
still suffering from the panic of '73.
WHY is glass of fresh lager like q
mad dog? Because it froths at the
mouth.
A. COMPETING hotel out West says
generously of another that lit stands
without arrival" sssf} s,c,
"WHAT struck you most in Italyf."
a. newly returned traveller is asked.
!" The sum-" says he.
The most universally-known man in
the world is the man who will sing when
he don't know how.
MANY man who pufs at mounting
a flight of stairs will run up an account
with the greatest ease. i.
SuNDAY-SCHooL visitor" Why was
Lots wife turned into pillar of salt7"
Small boy" Because she was too fresh"
A NAN out West, whose wood-pile
disappeared overnight, went softly IN
doors and sang Sullivan's " Lost Core"
all by himself.
If one-half of this world positively
knew the others faults, there wouldn't :
be any use for cloves and coffee in beer
saloon.
THEY say a man is known by his
associates OF course he is; man
can't associate with people for any length
of time, without their knowing him.
els business good7" inquired a friend
of an undertaken. Business good?"
he reiterated. :" You bet-two in wal
nut, two in rosewood, and three on ice
at this blessed moment"
"DEAR SALLY-Don't marry sman
simply because you respect him, thare
may cum along a pheliow afterwards
that you will fall in luy with. and then
the devil will be to pay. Josh Billings.
MEDICAL colleges put the corpses
gobbled from graveyards in whisky to
pickle. This is the only true origin of
the welLknown song, If body meet
body, coming thro' the rye" ~
OUR little four year-old being forbid
den by his mother to eat any more
picked beets because they might injure
him, asked: "Mamma, if they make me
sick and l die, will turn into a dead
beat?"
The Pekin Gazette is nearly 500 years
old, aud every now and then an old
man hobbies into the Office and pays a
years subscription, with the remark,
that he has been a subscriber ever since
the first number was printed.
A PAMPHLET is just published which
breaches the marvellous theory that :" a
man is what woman makes him.
According to the authors dictum we
presume that when a wife makes her
husband a pudding, he is pudding.
A SUNDAY-SCHooL teacher asked:
"What bird is large enough to carry
off mani" Nobody knew, but one
little girl suggested lark" And then
she explained: Mamma said papa
wouldn't be home till Monday. because
he had gone off on lark"
THE other day as two friends were
talking together in the street, donkey
began to wheeze and cough in distress
| ing manner. g What cold that donkey
hasI' said one of the men. And, by
the way, that puts me in mind-how is
your cough!" en
The Philadelphia Councilman who
voted to expend Is 600 for Grant re-
ception, and voted againt $4,000 ap-
preparation for public baths, has a
| deuce of time of it exn'aining to his
constituents Ll.4s he Is In favor OF
economy.-PecEs Sun.
A sCHooLMAsTER asked one of his
boys, on cold winter morning, what
was Latin for cold. The boy, hesita-
ting little, the master said: "What
sirrah, can't you tell?" eyes sir," !"
says the boy" Eaye it at my finger
ends. ."-Neao Orleans Picayune. i-4
"DocroR," said a patient, I" suffer q
great deal with my eyes" The old
4 gentleman adjusted his spectaeles, and
with Socratic air, replied, @ DO not
doubt it my friend but you ought not
to forget that you would suffer great
deal more without them"
"FATHER, did you ever have another
wife besides mother7" "No, my boy ;
what possessed you to ask such a ques-
ton ?'' "Becase / saw in the old family
Bible, that you married Anna Domini,
1886, and that is not mother, for her
name is Mary Brown"
A YOUNG man, of Cleveland, O.,
deeply in love with a Jewish maiden
whom he wished to marry, recently re-
nounced his Christian faith and en-
braced that of his betrothed. 1t is not
difficult to determine beforehand who
will "run" that family.
A GENTLEMAN was about to pour the
last thimbleful of wine in his glass,
when his wife, who is superstitious, ex-
claimed: "Don't, darling, don't! II
you drink the last drop of that wine,
! you'll be be married again within year
and love you too well for that" And
then she emptied the wine into her own
! glass and swallowed it eagerly.
"YoUR visits remind me of the
/. growth of successful newspaper" said
Uncle Jabez, leaning his chin on his
cane, and glancing at William Henry,
, who was sweet on Angelica. g" Why
so?" inquired William Henry. Well
they commenced on q weekly, grew to
be a tri-weekly, and have now become
daily, with Sunday supplement.
ALAS, my little bangle!
: One night saw it dangle
. Upon an arm white as driven snow
! That night, sighing wooer
D gave the token to her
And it was not so many weeks ago.
r Ny heart was in q tangle,
With that confounded bangle,
And on the same carved my mon. monosram'
t Her wrist was amply laden
With other bangles scarcely wortha FAM
: We had our little wrangles
About those other bangles
' called her false,-she swore that she was not,
. Alasl hate to think it,
ri She melted down each trinket,
-Phiadelphia L,em.
A SAD misfortune lately befen New
lOrlea IS Judge. II is related of him that
p as he was riding in the cars, from a
? | S;nolo o1ance at the countananCo OF q