The Worthington advance., 1880-09-16
W.T. AND HUuOR,

Can any ono improve his condition
by whining? If not, whine not.
A prima donna, according to cock.
ney, is naturally q timid creature, for
her art is always in her throat.
Croquet. says the Boston Commercial
Bulletin, will be popular this season,
notwithstanding that it is played out.
A young man who has recently taken
q wife says lie didn't find it half so
hard to get married as he did to get
furniture.
In some respects the gentler sex far
surpass us. No man, for instance, can
deliver a lecture with dozen pins in
bis mouth.
A man has invented q chair which
can be adjusted to 5000 different posi-
:ions. It is designed for boy to sit
IN when having his hair cut.
The small boys digestive apparatus
Is undoubtedly the nearest approach
to perpetual motion that the world
has yet known.
Marriages in May are said to be un-
lucky but then SO are those in june,
July, September, and in fact all the
other months.
A young lady up town repcls the
domestic slander that she is "fuctu-
ating." "For Pm always at par-to
buy me something"
II am very much afraid of light
ning," said u pretty lady. "And well
you may be," replied a despairing
lover, ''as your heart is made OF STEEL"
"Here's a letter." said Pat Maloney
yesterday, ''trom i,e gurrl, and would
ye please be readin' it to lne wild yer
ize shut, that ye can't be a-larnin' my
secrets"
The wife Of wealthy and retired
grocer to her artistic uressmaker:
''Dress me in such manner that my
vul sariIles will pass tor mediRval at
teclAtiOns."
Miss II. (who has chosen medicine
as u protessioU to professor, VINO has
gwen the class IN Ox's heart to dissect)
''On, professor, can't We have forks to
handle 1t with!"
Bashful lover Ito lis belle): "Would
that could have three Kilograms OF
dynamite!" Belle: :"Why nlolsleur?"
Buslltul lover ITO break the ice be-
tween US.
A Bohemian Of the first water was
recently turned out Of his lodgings and
installed in q miserable little room
| absolutely without furniture. He met
a friend and said to him, LEND me q
chair "WAat for" was the answer.
"My dear sir, l should be so ashamed
it burglars should come into my
room!"
On returning from the theatre, the
Thompsons find their housemail in
great distress, with her arm bound up
in her apron. Mrs. Thompson :"What
is the NATTER? Have you hurt your
hand?" Ann: "W-w-w-worsc than
| that, nla'amv' Mrs. Thompson; "Not
broken your arm, trust?" Ann:
"W-w-worsc than that" Mrs. Thomp-
son: "Good heavens!-what is it?"
Cook: ''The fact is, ma'am the silly
girl has been tryin' Oh your new
bracelet, and none Of us knows how to
get it of again!''
A very fashionable lady, who fair
ly dotes on her children, and is very
particular about their toilets, had q
narrow escape last Sunday from losing
one Of her darlings. 1t was leaning
out Of third-story window, when it
lost its balance, and in a moment more
| it would have been dashed to pieces
on the crowded pavement below. For
tunately the mother seized it just o. it
was disappearing over the window
sill. Clasping the saved cherub to her
breathless breast, the fond mother ex-
| claimed, as tears Of gratitude flowed
from her uplifted eyes eff that child
had fallen into the street with that
dirty dress Oh, would never, never
have forgiven myself" And she pro-
ceedcd to dress it up in style, so that,
come what might, the family would
not be disgraced.