The Portland daily press., 1880-01-10
Cap and Bells.

''Show him an egg and instantly the air Is
full of feathers" says Col. Ingersoll, defining
a sanguine man.
Boston Post: Embroidered crash is much
used for piano covers" says fashion ex-
change. That makes terrible sameness about
the instrument.
A young mother was giving to her son, age
five yeass, a touching description of the misery
into which the prodigal son had fallen. Ear
away from home, and his kind father, obliged
to take care of swine, with nothing to eat but
the husks of corn left by them," etc. then
why didn't he eat the pig?" was the practical
reply.
A tenant has been dancing all night over the
head of his landlord At six in the morning
the latter comes up stairs and complains bitter
ly OF the annoyance.
"What annoyance?" asks the tenant.
"Why, haven't slept wink all night," IS
the answer.
don't make any fuss about iti''
Cleveland Leader: ''Never leave what you
undertake until you can reach your arms
around it and clinch your hands on the other
side" says recently published book for young
men Very good advice: but what II she
screams?
If YOU are in a theatre when it takes fira on
the stage you have at least seven minutes to
snare before smoke or flames will injure any
one beyond the orchestra. Devote this time TO
picking up watches and wallets.
Chauncey NJ Depew told this story at the re-
cent New England dinner: In the Berkshire
hills there was funeral. The woman who
mingles curiosity with pity was there with the
mourners. To the afflicted widow in mel
ancholy voice. she said, "When did you get
| your new eight day clock?'' II amt got no
| new eight day clock" responded the bereaved
woman "Why, what is that in the corner?
Amt that an eight day cloek?' persisted the
| curious visitor. mo; that amt clock, that's
| the deceased We stood it on end in the cor
| ner to make room for the mourners".
Customer law want my-aw- NOUS
| taches dyed" Artist--"Yes, sir-certainly,
! sir-certainly, sir-brought 'em with you sir?''
| Oil City Derrick: Scene at dinner: Young
Simpkins has been studying in vain on some
| means of opening conversation with his fair
neighbor,-so far total failure-happyt though.
| he will ask her if she loves game-she will
game of cards, "gyoung lady will laugh at joke
| and repeat to her neighbor, and Simpkins will
| be smiled on. Simpkins asks the question
| Young lady SAYS "No"-confusion of Simpkins,
| and conversation ceases.
| Yonkers Statesman: Young man to photog-
rapher:-"Are my pictures done?" Artist
''Let's see," carefully scanning the young
| mans face and then the photographs he holds
| i,, 10 hand. ssyvhat'S the Oame2' IOuQn Man
| lin neutrality-suspicious., sir. Artist (hav-
| ing discovered the name on them(-"Oh, yes;
| these are yours.
New York Commercial Advertiser: Brook
| lyn school examination la mode-"Who is
| the President of the United States?" Silence.
| "Who is the present Governor of the State of
| New York?'' More silence ''Who is the
| Governor-elect of the State of New York?''
| Dead silence. ''Who won the last walking
match?" Chorus of nursing Presidents
| 'R-o-w-e-l-l ~
The very, very latest is: ooh! go..freeze your
| teeth and give your tongue sleigh ride"
| This is supposed to have reference to people
| with red hot tongues-Albany Journal.
| Tailor Ito stout customer) ''Have the kind
ness to put your finger on this bit of tape, sir
1uSU mere, l. IL D6 III
| Incentives to matrimony.-"Youo ought TO
marry" ''Never." 81 know the very girl"
''Let me alone" "She is young" "Then
she is sly" Beautiful" "The more dam
gerous" 'Of good family" Then she is
proud" ''Tender-hearted." ''Then she is
| Jealous" "She has talent" Then she is con-
ceited.' "And a fortune" 81 will take
her."
The Syracuse Times has arrived at the con-
clusion that smile on the face is worth two
in the tumbler.
Detroit Free Press: After a Griswold bar
ber had finished shaving stranger yesterday
the man asked what the charge was, and when
told that it was 10 cents, he asked: Don't
you have any wholesale rates? Wouldn't you
give me three shaves for 25 cents?" Eyes, L
reckon 1 could do that" "Then go ahead and
shave me twice morel' said the stranger as he
| climbed back into the chair. The barber lash-
| cred, shaved, recombed his hair and cried,
''brush' and the man reseated himself and
| took q third shave without word. His face
| had lobster color whom he got through, but he
| handed out o quarter and said: II don't
| know but it would have been better to take
seven shaves for half dollar, but this will do
| lust now.