Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1880-09-08
FUNNYGRAPHS.

A MAINE school-teacher captured
thirty three cuds of gum from her pupils
In one day, and it was a rainy day at that.
IT generally takes two to make quar-
rel, but very often one mother-in-law is
sufficient.
OUR friend Jones frequently tells of
Ideas fitting through his mind. Ideas
ind nothing In Jones mind to obstruct
their fits.
TREAT women like splendid flow
Ell" says Bob Ingersoll. $50 do. T
have planted mine" says widower who
has buried three wives.
IT is now conceded that it is the BROTH
er in the neighboring pew who carries
Oft the palm.--O Oshkosh Christian Adro-
cate.
The last valse but four-time 2:35
A. M. Wife of his Bosom Don't keen
looking at your watch, Algy! One
would think you were in church. -
London Punch.
DEAF lady: "What's his name ."
Young lady: Augustus Tyler" The
deaf lady: Bless me, what a name
Busthis Bier / Eliza, you must be
making fun of me-
A DEADwooD miner played base ball
with can OF nitro glycerine Just to
show his companions that he was not
afraid of it. The only trace of him was
hole in the ground.
"CANADIAN hemlock forests are being
rapidly destroyed for their bark" Why
not destroy a few dogs? There is as
much bark in dog as there is in for
st.-NeO Haven Register.
The bathing suits worn by the boys
along the river fronts are very simple
and inexpensive. It consists of wad of
cotton in each ear.-PtiLa. Chronicle
Herald
Bob INGERsoLL still sticks to his
phrase: "Treat women like splendid
flower" But she does not want to be
sprinkled with hellebore to keep off the
bugs.
CUsToMER-"W Waiter, this fllet of
turbot is not as good as that of last Sun
day." Waiter-"Oh, sir, excuse me,
you are mistaken It is of the very same
fsh!'
sST down, said handsomely dressed
and vivacious young lady to a compan-
| ion, at fashionable watering place;
g sit down; it's the only thing you can
do here without being obliged to pay for
it.
NATURAL religion: Bishop (reprov1ng
delinquent page)-"W retched boy! Who
is it that sees and hears all we do, and
before whom even I am but as a crushed
worm ?" Page-"The missus, my
lord. "-LOadOn Punch.
&C Is the train behind time?" inquired
gentleman at the station. "No, SURF"
replied the porter, "it's not behoind
time, SURF, but it's just behoind the
bridge beyant there. '-Boston Tran-
script.
IT is learned from the Salt Lake Her.
aid that Calico discovered Limburger
cheese floating through space in 1909,
and made an entry in his diary at the
time that he thought it in very poor
state OF preservation.
THE song 81 am weary, tonight, love.
without you, was composed by party
whose wife had left him to take care of
the children, while she went to the the
atre with one of the neighbors. Boston
Globe.
(Which is the more delicate sense,
feeling or sight % asked professor in
Columbia College. "Feeling, respond
ed student. ''Give proof of it, with
an example, said the professor "WeD,
my chum can feel his moustache, but
nobody else can see it., said the student.
YUo may sing of ham and mutton and veal,
And go your last dollar On pie;
You may talk of cake of every sort,
And oysters may just fill your eye,
But to fill a man up and make him feel good
And carry aee1nile that is silk,
just let him sit down and give him chance
At old-fashiOned pudding and milk.
COMMISSIONER: ''Did you hear the
whistle Of the boat you ran DOWN."
Pilot: "Hey!" Commissioner: "Did
you hear the whistle of the boat you ran
DOWN." Pilot: emo, sir" Commits
sioner: Why not?' Pilot: "Coz I'm
def. "-Puck.
NEVER go back on your ulster. 1t is
a lie preserver In more ways than one.
A man out west who was in danger of
beng run over by train of cars, pulled
Off his ulster and threw it In front of the
train In the nick of time. The train was
thrown from the track and the mans
life was saved.-Roape Sentinel.
GOLD woman, how do you sell beets?"
asked New Orleans hummer of an old
vegetable woman in the French market.
Looking at him from head to foot. she
replied: even I hat some like you vas I
sell them two for a cent abiece. "-Ne,U
! Orleans Times.
A GROCER who excited the ire of one
of his customers by presenting at his
house a bill for goods rendered, was
waited on soon after by daughter of
the debtor, who said, 81 wish you
wouldn't come with the bill when papa's
at home-it makes him nervous to be
dunned."
DEAN SWIFT called at house "a
Cavan, where the lady overdid his well
come. saying: viii you have an apple
pie, sir? VIII you have gooseberry
pie, sir? Will you have currant pie,
sir? Will you have cherry pie, sir !?
Will you havea plum pie, sir? Will you
have pigeon pie, sir ?" At last,
wearied with her words, he said: g Any
pie. madam. but magpie.