The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1880-07-08

well, my man." -, said he, "what do
II want to get furlough, mister, that's
what WANT was the reply.
"Why do you want furlough, nv
manT inquired the general.
"Wall, want to 60 home and see nv
wife"
"How long is it since you saw.kerY
ever since enlisted; nigh on to
three months"
"Three months p exclaimed the com.
mander. "Why, my good fellow. I have
not seen my wife for three years !'
The Tennessean looked incredulous.
and drawled: "Wall, you see, me and
my wife amt that sortv'
The postmaster-general of the United
States once received an odd official com
mqnlcation, the Raeborn postmaster, new
to his duties, writing to his superior Of
dcer: Seeing by the regulations that 1
am required to send you letter Of adj
vice, must plead in excuse that have
been postmaster but a short time but I
will say, if your Office pays no better
than mine, advise you to give it up."
To this day that postmaster-general has
not decided whether his subordinate was
an ignoramous or was quietly poking fun
at him.
Spite of the old axiom about self
praise, many are of opinion that the
world is apt to take a man ut his own
valuation. If that Ike true, there is a
church dignitary.: in embryo somewhere
in the young deacon, whose examining
Bishop felt 1t requisite to send for the
clergyman recommending him for ordi-
nation, in order to tell him to keep that
young man in check adding, by way of
explanation: II had the greatest diff
Guilty, sir, to prevent his examining me !"
This not to be abashed candidate for
clerical honors promises to be as worthy
of the cloth as the American minister
who treated his village congregation to
one of Mr.. Beecher's sermons, unaware
that the popular Brooklyn preacher made
one of his hearers. Accosting him after
service. Mr.. Beccner said: ''That was q
fair discourse: how long did it take you
to write it?'
"Oh, tossed it Off one evening"" was
the -eply.
Indeed" said MI. Beechcr. well. :,
took me much longer than that to think
ont the framework of that Sermon
"Are You Henry Ward Bcecl,cr?" ask.
ed the sermon-stealer.
II am" said that gentleman.
"Well, then," said the other, not in the
least disconnected, sail T have to say, is,
that I amt ashamed to preach one OF
your sermons anywhere"
We do not know if Coleman invented
the phrase, "As cool as cucumber;''
but he makes the 1rishman in 'The
Heir-at-Law" say: 'rhcse two must be
q rich man that won't lend and u Dor.
rover; for one 1s trotting about In great
distress and t'other stands us cool as {,
cucumber" or the Two the latte. was
more likely to have teen intending \
raid on another mans purse, for the men
whose livery trade is borrowing" are
usually, we might say necessarily, the
coolest of the cool; like Bubb Doding-
| tons impecunious acquaintance, who,
| rushing across Bond street, greeted Dod-
ington with: "Tm delighted to see you,
for am wonderfully in want Of d
gulnea!'
Taking out his purse, Dubp showed
That it held but half guinea
"A thousand thanks!" cried his tor
mentor, deity selling the coin; cha,
will do very well for the present :" and
| then changed the conversation. But as
he turned to leave, he inquired: "By.
the-by, y when will You pay me that hall
"Pay you? What do you mean ?" ex.
claimed Dodington.
"Mean? Why, intended to borrow
guinea of you. have only got half
but Pm not in hurry for t'other. Name
your own time. only pray keep itw say.
ing which he disappeared round the cor
ner.
"john fhenix," the American humor
list, being one night at 4 theatre, fancieo
he saw a friend some three seats in front
of him. Turning to his next neighbol
he said: "Would You be kind enough
to touch that gentleman with your stick?'
Certainly" was the reply, and the thing
was done; but when the individual thus
assaulted turned round, Phoenix saw he
was not the man he took him for, anC
| became at once absorbed in the play
| leaving his friend to settle matters with
the gentleman in front, which, as he hac
| no excuse handy, was not done without
! considerable trouble. When the hub
bub was over. the victim said: "Didn1
you tell me to tap that man with my
stick?' "Yes." Sand what did vol
want?' "Oh," said Phoenix, with imper
turable gravity, II wanted to see wheth
er you would tap him or notp'
| Jack Holmes" a man-about town
living no one knew how, was once under
cross examination by certain sergeant
at-law, who knew his man too we'll
"Now, sir" said the learned gentleman
tell the jury how you ivev'
! SWELL" said Holmes, "a chop or q
steak, and on Sunday perhaps little Bit
Of fish; I'm very plain-living man."
"You know what I mean. SIR" thun.
dered the questioner. "What do you dc
for a living"
1.-THE same as you, sergeant" said the
witness, tapping his head suggestively;
"and when that fails 1 do'-goinq
through the pantomime of writing across
his hand-"a little bit of stuf-the same
as you again."
"My Lud, shall not ask this obtuse
witness any more questions" said the
angry counsel.
"Brother," said Baron Martin, II