Daily Republican., 1880-05-27
HHMOROHR.

or blindness came up at ferry docl
saloon the other day, and an old ex
captain offered to test the eyes of sew
eral sailors present. He got his stool
laid down his pipe and began:
"Now, boys, what is the color of my
nose?"
"White" they replied in chorus
1t was as red as beet, but they were
after a drink.
"Correct," said the captain. "This
oonvinces me that your eyes are all
right as to the color OF white. What is
the hair?"
"Gray."
"Correct again, except the sandy
spots. You'll all pass on white and
gray. What is the color Of that dog
out theref"
"Black."
$50 IL is. And the color Of this
chair is-whatY"
"Red."
Sand ofthis?"
"Blue."
"And what isfmy general appear
ance? That is, II you saw me forty rods
off how would you describe mel"
GAS perfect gentleman" was the
ready reply.
They thought that they had him
then. He started for the bar, but
halted and finally sat down and had
no more to say for long ten minutes.
After they had despaired OF getting
any besr at his expense and were about
to go ont he suddenly said:
"Abl boys, one more question. IT l
treat this crowd what would be the
color of the liquid 2"
''It would be the color of bear, "
they hopefully shouted.
"Blind as bats-worse case ever
saw" he mumbled, as he took his hand
from his pocket. ''It weuld be exact
ly the color of ice water !'-Free Press.
JOSH BILLINGS ON MARRIAGE.-By awl
means Joe get married, if you have a
fair show. Don't stand shivering on
the bank, but pitch rite in and stick
your head under and shiver it out.
There amt any more trick in getting
married than there is in eating peanuts
Many a man has stood shivering on the
shore until the river ran out. Don't
expect TO marry an angel, they have
all been pick ed up long ago. Remem-
Der Joe, you hain't saint yourself.
Do not marry for beauty exclusively:
beauty is like ice, awfully slippery
and thaws dreadful easy. DOM
marry for luv neither; luv is like
cooking stove, good for nothing when
the fuel gives out. But let the mix
ture be some beauty, becomiugly dress
ed, with about two hundred and fifty
dollars in her pocket, gud speller,
handy and neat in her house, plenty of
good sense, tuff constitution and by
laws, small feet, light step; add to
sound teeth and warm heart. The
mixture will keep in any climate and
will not evaporate. Don't marry for
pedigree unless it's backed by bank
notes. A family with nothing but Pc
digree generally lacks sense.
In boarding house recently
young man upon turning off the gas
saw the words, "Coafess thy sins," in
phosphorescent characters on the wall.
He was very much surprised, but lis
tening, thought be heard some young
ladies' outside the door waiting to OBJ
serve the effect on him. He pretend
ing to be much frightened at the match
scratch, fell ON his knees and con-
fessed in a loud tone Of voice that he
had frequently kissed one of the young
ladies in the dark-naming the one
whom he had best reason to suspect of
playing the trick. That young lady
thinks he is mean, horrid thing.
A Western man having lost his wife,
was accosted by sympathizing friend.
who remarked upon his woe begone ap-
pearance. "Well, l guess you would
ook thin, too," was the melancholy re-
oinder; ''it you had to get up before
daylight, make the fires, draw water,
split wood, and feed the cattle, all be-
'ore breakfast. lust tell you what it
s, if l don't get some body to fill my
poor, dear sainted Maria's place will
oe resting by her side before very many
weeks are past"
A GooD LADY who, on the death of
ler husband, married his brother, has
portrait of the former hanging in her
One day, visiter re.
the painting, asked: "Is
hat a member ofyour family 7" "Oh,
hats my poor brother. in.law," was
,he ingenious reply.
81 wonder where dear Ichabod be
mis- evening; it's after 8 o'clock now,"
aid Mrs. Smiley, as she shaded her
yes with her hand against the window
pane. "Gone on some mercenary er-
and or other I believe. He is a real
,ood, charitable soul, and it is just like
him."
A little four year-old beset his moth
n to talk to him, and say something
uuny .-"How can II" she asked
don't you see how busy am baking
hese piesi"-"Well, you might say,
Charlie, won't you have pieos Of
,ief That would be funny for you"
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