Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1880-03-19
Hawk-Eyetems.

The straighter man takes his whis-
ky, tae crookeder it seems to make
him.
Ole Bull has probably been in more
scrapes than any other good man in
America.
=, By u singular fatality, the inquisi-
tive man always looks down the wrong
end of the empty gun.
What collection the census mar
shals would have if they would only
carry autograph albums.
DAlryE,ple, the great Minnesota
farmer king, owns 81, 900 acres Of land,
and 81 900 acres of grasshoppers.
The Cnicago Journal says that be-
| cause this is leap year it is no sign any
one should Jump their board bill.
It is just possible that the sudden
rise in paper has been caused by the
extraordinary demands of the valentine
trade. .. .r. .. ..
There isn't so much on a due bill as
! there is on show bill, but q man will
! look ut it longer aud think about it Of
tener. ......,
| Villain" said the burglar to the
policeman, unhand me !" And the
officer on handed him and has him on
hand yet.
If Senator Gordon fights q duel with
Mr.. Stephens, he will have to shoot
herring net ut the old man, il he wants
to hit him. Ia n. l.
Victor Hugo says he can write we'll
about woman because he loves her.
And yet Brigham Young was not
great novelist. 20. i...,
The Oil City Derrick say s that one of
Denis Kearuey's speeches is nearly as
interesting to male udience as fs.
male variety show. .......
February is the boss month this year
for the man on a salary. 1t is one day
short and has five Sundays. Bully for
the horny-handed clerk. o."
Down IN Virginia they tell about
fence which is made of such crooked
rails that every time pig crawls
through he comes out on the same
side.
The New York Sun says j" the Grant
boom has not reached Mississippi"
Man alive, how long have you been
asleep? 1t got there eighteen years
ago.
The Philadelphia Chronicle. Herald
thinks that woman should never use
a postal card in sending kiss. 1t
might fall into the hands OF u post
master.
Somebody has written q new play
called the Mingo Spy" which is said
to be full Of horrors. 1t must be
mis-print. Probably the Mint Spy"
is what is meant.
Dentists say that wooden tooth picks
injure the teeth. We hadn't noticed
that, but it has always been painfully
evident to us that it was frighifully lie.
structive on toothpicks.
Modjeska says Longfellow Is as we'll
known in Poland as he is in America.
Yes? All, la Monjeska, by the way,
hi no Modjie, did you hear anybody
say anything about us, over in Poland
What part of the wheel makes the
most noise? Why, the spokes, man, of
course Detroit Free Press. No, the
hub, bub. - Boston Post. The felloes
axle make more noise than either of
them.
Mr.. Bilderback laid down his paper
and gazed thoughtfully into the fire.
From the frequency OF glowing and
highly eulogistic obituary notices" the
| old man said, Judge there is an un-
precedented mortality among the mean
men, just now"
And SO General Grant has been to
see the American circus in Havana.
And you may TRANQUILITY assure your
self, and back your confidence with
your louis dors, that he heard some
jokes there that were ages older than
any ruins he saw in Asia.
While General Grant is in Mexico he
will have opportunity to study the
beauties of a country that is strongly
opposed to third term. In fact, it is
only about once in two thousand years
that Mexican president is permitted
te complete his first term.
JaAes Gordon Bennett has Just glori-
fed the Herald by giving $IOO, 900 to
suffering Ireland. Now, why didn't
we think OF that? We never do think
of these things until it is too late.
Well, anyhow. we once gave dime to
man who walked across Niagara Falls
on wire.
The author of the new song, "My
Home is on the Tossing Sea-" has lived,
ever since he was born, at Fort Riley,
Kansas, 800 miles from salt water,
and he confessed, in moment of rash
confidence, to a newspaper reporter,
that it makes him sea-sick to sit in a
rocking chair.
Mr.. Gladstone says, 81 use the ex.
preston woman with greater satisfac-
ton than I use the name of ladies"
That is true, William, undoubtedly,
but it is when you can use the name of
the lady's husband on the business end
of q sixty-day note that you know what
satisfaction is. A great deal better, in
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