The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1880-04-10
NO. 26.
WIT AND HUMOR.

Ooubncrn nolluayl Decause you
see the knee grows out.
DEFINITION OF THE GouT.
your toe In vice and squeeze it un-
til you can no longer endure the
torture. Then give the handle one
turn more, and that is the govt"
"Nly son. said a. stern father,
"do you know the reason why am
going to whip your"
"Yes," replied the hopeful, 81 sup.
pose it's because you're bigger shan
/ am"
! Mankind is like a board. One
side may be planed off nicely and
pretty, but You get on the wrong side
and you'll find lots of silver bars.
A man put sixteen hornets in .
whisky bottle and gave it to Texas
man, in the dark, to take drink out
of; and though the hornets got in
their work as they went down, tho
Texan remarked that it wasn't real
Texan whisky, as it lacked fire.
Marriage is a safe way to gamble;
il you win,you win pile, and if you
lose, you don't lose anything.
1.-TWO heads are better than enc"
especially on the penny you SNAP
up"
Why are corn and potatoes like
idols of old2 Because the corn have
ears and hear not, and the potatoes
have eyes and they see not.
1t is said that If you strap a man
tightly to large cannon and fire il
off the concussion will kill him, and
death will be painless.
Women are the funniest when they
say nothing; but women are so seldom
funny.
When the deacons OF Church
hand around the silver contribution
dish, they do not expect it to be
handed back nickle-plated
II all were as willing to be pleas
ant and as anxious to please in their
own homes as they are in the com.
pany of others, they would have
happy homes.
"Aunty, vat makes the little baby
cry so: Do it want IL mudderr
"Yes, dear, and its fodder, too
!. A mans word is the main spring
Of his character. Once break tho
main spring, and, like a watch, he
runs down.
GLOW nicely this corn pops" said
a young man who was sitting with
his sweetheart before the fire.
yes" she responded demurely.
cts got over being green"
He took the hint,and was green no
Boston castor heans upon tho wa
ter,and expects them to return in the
soap.
Mamma to Isabel -four years II
age) who is rather numerically I
ing the kitten--"Isabel my child,
you must not do SO. don't like to
see il"
swell, don't look, mama"
There is no good reason why the
names of the months should not be
changed and Americanized. How
much more consistent it would be to
substitute "Nip-and- Tuck" for Jaru-
airy, and "Slosh-Around for April.
Katie is red headed, black-eycd
baby, just too cute for any use. Tho
other night she closed her little pray
err as follows: "Dod please mate 4
dood little dirl"-and then forgetting
for whose sake, she added, "for PHYS
sake, amen"
Some men are born lazy, others
grow SO.
Boys should not gamble in hay
mows or any other place. 1t 10
wicked. 4e,s
Little Harry cut his finger while
playing. Seeing it bleeding, he cali
ed out: Hurry, mamma. and stop it
up, it's leaking"
| Why is clock the most modest
piece of furniture? Because il COW
ers it's face with it's hands, and runs
down its own works.
How to get married in X-lcn style
borrow $40 to pay the minister.
At christening, while minister
was making the certificate, he forgot
the date. and happened to say, "Let
me see, this is the thirtieth?'
"The thirtieth r exclaimed the in
dignant mother; indeed but it's only
the fiftecnth-eight boys and seven
girls. 9t w
"Can't we make your lover jealous,
Missr'
Oh, yes, sir, l think we can, il we
put our heads together" il
doctor, my daughter seems to be
going blind, and she's just getting
ready for her wedding too! Oh, dear.
what's to be done?"
LET her 60 on with the wedding.
madam, by all mean. If anything
can open her eyes, marriage will"
Why are darned stockings like
dead men2 Because they are men,
| ded. rs
"Some more cheese. please" said =
small boy of eight to his papa At
dinner.
mo, my child" was the reply Of
the prudent parent; you have already