davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1880-04-02
Hseacousfaeua's Eszarrs Achates.

One of the most familiar figures III the
lobby of the House Of Commons in the
busy hour from 5 to 6 is that Of Mr.. Mon
tague Cory, the fdus Achates of the Prime
Minister. Mr, Cory is a young man,
tt,irty-fiye at most, should say. But while
he preserves the gay address Of youth, he
can, when need be, show the gravity of
old age. He has been trained in an excel
lent school, has had opportunities of taking
in wisdom 1.-THE pores, as Joey Ladle ab-
sorbed wine. Mr.. Cory knows every
body, and nearly everybody knows him,
and, may add, likes him. He has hap
PLY frank address, and the special faculty
of extracting more information than he
dispenses, which is among the highest
gifts of diplomacy.
[ suppose there are few men in Europe
who know more of what the world would
like to know than does Mr.. Cory. | am
quite sure he wouldn't appear embarrassed
in answering them. His inconvenient in
terlocutor might, even at the close of the
interview, think he had got the informa-
ton he sought, but, upon further exarnin-
alton, would find that he really knew no
more than he did when he met Mr.. CORY.
The friendship between himself and Lord
Beaconsfield is one Of the pleasantest epi-
sotles in political life. The two are insep-
arabic, and no temptation Of place or for
tune would induce the secretary to leave
frir7=v1lis:r. IL 1~->-@5-t-%. y. fo'Y
years ago, when a lucrative appointment
fell vacant in the House OF Lords, the
President unayailingly pressed it On the
acceptance Of Mr. Corry,-Lont7on Cores
D0ndence.
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1880-04-02
One OF Lfmeo1rass Para EsEea.

A Rabbi OF a Jewish Synagogue at
Baltimore, who was here often during the
war, says very correctly that it was Lin
coins nature to argue a point, but that
when persons would come to him with
complaints he often gave them his views
in short and prehensiVe parable.
He would often thus unraVel an intri-
cate and knotty question By his keen and
incisiye wit; as for instance:
Some Western gentlemen called at the
White House, aud harangued Mr.. Lincoln
iii an excited manner about the omissions
and commissions OF the Administration
He heard them with his usual patience
and finally said:
Gentlemen, suppose all the property
you were worth was in gold, and you had
put it in the hands Of Blondin to carry
across the Niagara Falls on tight rope
would you shake the rope while he was
passing over it, or keep shouting to him,
.Blondin, stoop 4 little more, Go a little
fasfers' No, I am sure you would not.
You would hold your breath as well as
your tongue, and keep your hands Of. un-
til he was safely over. Nov the Govern
ment is III the same condition, and is car
rying across . stormy ocean q great bur
den: untold treasures are III its hands; it
Is doing the best it can: don't badger II !;
keep quiet, and it will get you safely aver
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1880-04-02
Not Very Hard 10 ssnif.
Detroit Free Press


Perhaps you We got just the house want
ed By an Eastern man who talks Of max
ing Detroit his future home He has
given an agent here instructions toinyesti-
gate and lind
4 housE eommandingly situated. III an
eniaentlJ respectable neighborhooGI. with
ChristainI nIhonse-holders on either side.
All the rooms must be large and airy
noa too much sun or shade, and look out
On pleasant scenes. There must Be three
pair Of stairs and ali elevator.
The vie e|W from the front door must en-
hraoe fields and . lake, o. forest and a
river, and the fishing must be good. II
possible, there must be.a hill for the chill
dren to slide down in winter.
The path from the gate to the house
must be winding and romantic. Tie path
from the back door to the barn needn't L be
romantic, but should be fl good repair.
. The grounds must not bs too shady, TOO
fiat, TOO slopiiIg. too small nor tao large,
and oyster cans o. old boots ID the silleV
will not BE endured 4 Minute.
The would be purchaser EoTeIers i house
built in tHe winter with plenty Of cold iii
fastened in for summer use and ssellId
like neis ishborhood n here 1lley have neii-
fIaer ehildren, sickness, fIsII-ped Iers, dor
nrs sss*ss S###i
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1880-04-02
The burglar Panic.

| There is an aspect Of a burglar PAM
which is far from comic. When, after Al
hours peaceful sleep, one is disturbed b.
ones wife, ones trouble begin. We as!
what she is doing. listening is he
reply. The suggestion that she sIloulc
lie down and go to sleep is snubhed by al
authoritative but alarming Hush" ma
ture asserts itself and we again doze, to be
Immediately awakened BY the words, stl
am quite sure heard a noise"
We offer to get mp and take walk
through the house TO see if any thieves
are in it. ooh, no; for goodness sake,
don't do that" is the reply. Of course
one gets refreshing nights rest after
this little episode.
On another night, at in the morning,
one of the dogs is heard to bark. We look
round, and finding all quiet, give it as our
opinion that he must have heard the game
keeper walking round the house, or that.
If some thieves had come with burglarious
designs, they have been certainly frighten-
ed away by his barking. His furious
noise gradually subsidized into occasional
ssyelps" until. after dismal
howl or two, he becomes silent.
AT last we drop off to sleep, but in
.ew minutes we are once more disturbed
With, my dear, there is that dog again."
)n one occasion there could be no doubt
hat noise had been really heard, and
re had been allowed to venture forth
Fith plenary powers. After examining
he lower part of the house we had taken
dark lantern, and had sailed forth and |
made a tour of the outside of the building. |
After a fFuitless search. for thieves and /
'agabonds, we had returned to our room
nd had just settled down again with
satisfactory sense of our yirtnous and gal |
ant conduct, when WE were aroused by |
y violent knocking at the front door
nd jingling of the door-bell On going /
own stairs-we may observe that not one
f the servants heard the deafening noise
We found two officious policemen at the
orch, who had ces1le with the valuable |
Information that they had lately seen q
aan with a dark lantern walk round the
O1se and enter it,
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1880-04-02
Falsely Accusing

China, though a semi-barbarous nation,
has one law which is ahead of anything
pertaining to the same subject that we
have i'll this country.
Here a person may be hastily and false
" accused of a crime, deprived Of his lib
erty until the hour of trial comes, and if
found innocent, he has no redress what
ever. The loss of time, the shame and
disgrace Of the accusation which has been
trumpeted all over the land through the
press, go for nothing. Ills accuser, who
may have been actuated by anger, or,
though honest in his suspicion, yet has
such slight grounds for it, that it is not
hard to prove innocence, does not suffer
for his haste or malice.
THAT there are numerous instances OF
suffering through false accusations no one
can doubt who reads the papers with an
eve to ascertaining the facts.
Not long since a young man in New
York was accused of stealing $50 from a
sailor, and was hauled up in court. At
forwards the WasherWonlan for the sailor
found the bill among his clothes. OF
course the young man was discharged,
but he had endured the modification of
being brought before the public in the
character of a thief, and for this there is
absolutely no redress in any form.
In China, on the contrary, the person
who brings a false charge receives the
same punishment as the accused would
have had if proven guilty. This renders
an Individual exceedingly careful of how
he charges crime upon another, The
grounds of his proceeding must be care
fully examined before he goes to the
length of placing any one in the hands of
the law. OF course this caution may
sometimes operate in allowing the guilty
to escape, but it at least prevents injury
to the innocent.
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1880-04-02
Commercial Travellers.
rCiicinDatti Saturday Eirh+ /

Cllclnnatti Saturday Night --.~.
If we were called upon to pick outa class
of men who seem to typify the peculiar
characteristics Of the country, its alertncss
energy humor and adaptiveness,
we should select the commercial travellers
These men you find everywhere. You
run across them in hotals, on railroads, in
country hacks, find them afoot i'll the
mountains OF jogging over the plains, and
usually you find them full of resources,
spirit, sanguine ideas, and undaunted en-
ergy. They are good companions, as they
abound in anecdotes and "reminiscences
and you will hardly fail to note their keen
perception of character. They are COM
monty persons Of very quick intelligence
and usually Of sterling integrity. Those
Of them who represent large houses are
fully informed as to the interests they rep
resent, and their judgment in regard to
those interests is singularly accurate.
While the commercial traveller is not a
strict moralist, he is apt 70 be kindly dis
posed and charitable He really bears the
test Of scrutiny as well as any other man
engaged in active business, and exposed to
a greater variety of temptations than most
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1880-04-02
The Attractions of Maids of
Thirty
@lNeE York Home journal.

New York Home Journal.l
Indeed, as one looks over the marital
Market it is impossible not to feel more
respece for single women, as class than
for those who have married to consolidate
families and fortunes, pucss,s-~--ryssa>>~,a--
is the open gate to social independence Or
simply because they feaced to be classed
among the most inattractiye of their sex
as the years lesscned their bloom.
Perhaps it is because Of this mental tran
guilty that the elderly girl of to-day is SO
much more charmingthan the old maid of
the last century, or even of the last gener-
alton; whatever may be the cause Of her
present Winsomness, the consequences are
that her opportunities of marrying after she
is thirty are increased ten-fcld beyond
what they were among women Of the same
age twenty years ago. II any one doubts
this statement even a hasty glance over the
martial records where the ages of brides
are inscribed will prove its truth beyond
argument.
There is not at this moment in America
. more charming class of women than the
elderly unwedded, those single and inde-
pendent natrons who possess the exquisite
taste and leisure to become intellectual.
Their sympathies are not narrowed, To-
cused and absorbed, and they can afford to
be broad and generous in their friendships;
their lives are passed beyond the touch of
those infinitesilnal and Wrinkling cares
which, though sweetest and most import
ant of all to the married woman herself,
really narrow while they intensity, concen-
trate and deepen her sympathies and in
terests. Important and never ending anx-
ieties are inseparable from domestic life,
and the carrying of his precious, though
wearing and wearying, burden, is the
price which she gladly pays for the at
tainment of woman's highest and, as was
said before, her happiest att;ainnents.
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1880-04-02
Long dsozarfszafps

A couple, after q courtship Of over if
teen pears We're recently married in Ken
lucky. The wedding was to have Occurred
lii 1861. when the war broke ont, but the
conflict which dragged all classes Of peo-
pie into it, whirlpool, claimed this lover
as well. He took one side, her father took
the other. The old nan never forgave
him. He sWore that as long as he lived
his daughter should never marry 4 rebel.
He kept his word. One by one his three
sons passed over the river and ouf: Of night.
His wife, croken hearted, followed her
boys to the grave, and fInally none Of the
once happy household was left but the
patient girl and her stern old parent. The
war gave back her lover uIlinjjurad, but
the implaerb1e father stood between. He
refused his eonsens to the marriage, and
she would not wed without II. And SC
the many years rolled ava obstinate
old nlar-tWo loyal lovers. year ago
he died, and this long delayed marriage S
was Just consrmated
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1880-04-02
egonQEaaaa gHEE1er Again.

don't know when received such a
\ shock as had the other day. / llad just
dropped Il letter in a lamp-post box, when
q man approached me from the ether side
and said "EIoW dye do?" l bowed my
head slightly, for had no itlea who he
was.
"You don't know 1ne2" said he.
"No,'' / replied; 'tdon't think / ever
saw you before.a
"Now, look at HE hard, said he, TAX
ing off his hat. ....=
| [ looked hard and saw a man clad in q
creaun-color suit, with notebook and
| pencil sticking out of his breast pocket.
He wore a low-cut collar aud loose tic.
On his hands were orange-eolored kids,
stitched with black, and his hat was {;
sort OF a salnlon-colored straw. Then my
eyes reached his face, and saw a head no
closely cropped that it looked as though
it had been sandpapered. The cheeks
and chin were clean shsven, but the up
per lip was relieved by "a long, light mus
tache.
Now, don't you know me,i he in=
quired, replacing his hat.
'No,'' | replied quite as nystifieti as
was at first
'SHaye you forgotten Joaquin Miller?''
S'What! Impossible. This the poet Of
the Sierras; the poetic samson of the Pa
cific slope? Who was the Delilah that
had shorn him of his locks 90
Il wanted Il change replied he.
"And you've got it. Have you written
any poetry in this condition?"
t'No,"
"Then pray don't.''
II have been too i'll and too much wor-
ried by my domestic affairs for work.
have just returned from Oregon and Mexi-
co. They have been trying to put my
little girl on the stage, and / had TO so
home and get her away from them. This
is a sad world. There is nothing in it but
trouble. There is my car. Good bye!"
And he sprang aboard green ear, and
waved his salmon-colored hat from the
rear Platform.
If Joaquin Miller mad made his first ap-
in London and New York thus
shaven, I don't believe that he would
nave had the success that his long hair
md flowing beard have won for him. Tn
shaven, he looked like poet: now he
ooks like those men who lounge in front
If the Fifth-avenue Hotel, or congregate
)n street corners.
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1880-04-02
How EEfs Tz'ouase eEs Got SHaOzsds
eEeRd.

A certaI In gentleman purchased pair of
pants feW days ago, which, upon being
tried on at home, he found to be to long.
That night he remarked to his wife that
he wished her to take off about an inch
from each leg, which would make them
the desired length. Being fond Of teasing
her husband, she told him she wouldn't
do anything Of the kind, and he retired
without Having obtained Il promise from
her that She would attend to the matter,
Soon after he had left his room how
ever, sheb as q matter of course, clipped
off the superf1uous inch, as she had been
asked to do. The family is composed of
six female members, and each one Of the
five, in adjoining rooms, heard the dis
pute between man and wife. After the
latter had taken off the required inch and
retired, the old lady,. desiring to s'keep
peace in the family and not knowing
what her tlaug ghter-in-law had done, cau-
tiously slipped into the room and cut off
another Inch.
IN this way did each of the five ladies,
unknownE to the others, and all with the
praiseWor1thy object Of preventing any
misunderstanding between the couple,
clip an inch from the legs Of the gentle
mans TROUSERS.
The following morning all unconscious
of what had taken place during the night
he rolled up his pants in q piece of paper,
and took them to the tailor to be shortened
to the desired length. Upon q hasty
glance the latter yenturcd the opinion
that they syere already short, but the own
er insisted that they were fully an inch
too long. The tailor had no more to say,
and our friend retired.
On the following Saturday he called for
his pants and took them home, and was
supremeiy disgusted at finding that the
legs reached only a trife below the knee.
He straiahtWay accused the tailor, but his
wife heard him and came to the rescue,
explaining thai she had taken an inch
from each Of the legs. and her aeSnoWl-
edgement was followed by that Of each of
the other five ladies, when it was discover
ed that altogether the legs had been short
ened to the extent of seven inches.
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1880-04-02
red destination.

An old time Baptist preacher, who ha
retired from active gospel dealing, but VIII
still keeps a firm eye on faith, has Just hat
| little experience with colored man tha
causes him TO think very seriously. Meet
ing the colored man the preacher said
Dave, if you don't bring that saddle
home III have you put in Jail. y
HWhat saddle is yer 'ftlrren ter?"
ssThe one you stole from me-
"Parson, fore de Lord, nebber stole
yer saddle. -
eyes, you did. saw you when yo,,
took it off of the yard fence. I believe I'll
I'll have you arrested any way"
s'Look heah, parson; you'se old Bap-
tist, amt yer?''
Eyes; and I will have you sent to the
penitentiary.n
ssWell, SO is /, and now ketch de pintz ez
I gin EN- to yer. Dar is just SO many sad
efes in dis world what is to be stole, and
dar,s just SO many men what is ter steal steal
desc saddles. Disis predesternation. Now,
if yer saddle happens to be one OBJ Gle pre-
disposed saddles, and happens ter be one
OBJ De predisposed men, kin | help hit?
Oar was Judas, fer instance. He couldn't
help 'trayin de Savior, lSase he was one OBJ
de predisposed, SO tended frum de founda-
ton OBJ de worI' -
II don't want a religious discussion,
Dave. 1t is not the saddle now that | care
50 much about. It is that you told me a
lie in saying that you didn't steal it,"
"Well, den, pa1son, spose takes back
le lie and keeps de saddle?"
ga lie once told always stands. You
rave lied to me, you scoundrel, and I be- |
ieve itis my duty TO have you arrested.
stParson, dar's just a certain amount OBJ |
les to be told in dis worP, and if | is one j
b de men what is predisposed to tell one
b desc lies hits not my fault, and I can't
lelp hit. |
sYou go now aud get that saddle Or |
will swear out a warrant for your arrest"
ssI'1l do lie best ] kin, parson; but dar's
es certain amount of stole saddles to be
eturned in dis worI # I is one oh de pre-
disposed men, and believes dis, you'll fine
,er saddle hanging on tie yard fence about
un down dis eyenin',
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1880-04-02
A AHs.,H,ENaaJS w ARID.
Something ffEne Lzde of the First
Great American EEuHnaoa.fst.
indianapolis Herald, |

, Indianapolis Herald.
Anything concerning Artemus Ward i
acceptable to almost any one who has cheer
ed a lonely hour by the perusal of some
his delicious fooleries.
While many people never appreciated
his efforts to amuse, and many refused te
concede him any position beyond medi-
ocore one among humoIists, yet many
more thought him unquestionably the
truest humorist of his time. What seemed
to crown this estimate of his abilities, was
the notable reception which he met with
/ III London. There was he stthe rage:''
for weeks and months, night after night
croWding Egyptian hall, famous and
reputable place of amusement in Picadillv,
| the very centre Of the crowded portions of
| London. The desire to see and hear the
American humorist ended only with his
death, which happened shortly after his
success had become an established fact.
The New York Czippsr publishes a com
munication under the nom de plane of
"Vandyke Brown which gives some
"reminiscences Of the genial humorist nev-
er before in print. After explaining how
it was that he had the good fortune to
spend an evening with the great humorist,
he says:
How did you first come to lecture 2" I
enquired as we sat together in the office Of
the Hotel.
"Well, y he answered in that hesitating
tone peculiar to him, 'Sthe Idea, I think,
came to me FROM attending minstrel shows.
[ was reporter on the Cleveland Pzuie-
dealer, and fell into the habit Of writing
up paragraphs in what I fondly believed
humorous vein. Every now and then,
when | attended minstrel performances,
would hear one Of these jokes, for which I
was responsible, perpetrated by one end
man, and as general thing the audience
was foolish enough to laugh at them, it
dawned upon me at last that J. might put
my chickens into a better account. So
strung lot of jokes together and an
nounced myself lecturer. And simulta-
neously my friends announced me & /
fool. -
He stroked his mustacle retlectively, as
if still a little in doubt as to The possible
correctness Of his friends opinion.
zsBut they do not think you It fool
now?"
"No,' he answered grsvely, II don't
believe they do. AT all events, they do
not permit their convictions to interfere
with their kindness. Do you know there
isn't one of them to-day who would refuse
ME the pleasure of lending him ten dollars
not one!'
He never impressed his listeners with /
the idea thai he was trying to be funny. /
He never strained point to make Joke. /
Sometimes he would convulse his audience /
with some 1udicrous remark in the very
midst of grave solemn description or
statement, which seemed entirely i'm
promptu and unprecedented. Soon after
the first battle of Bull Run he lectured in
this city, and the writer remembers how
the audience was amused in the midst of :
description Of that battle by Artemus
when he alluded to the defeat as the mas
terly advance OH Washington by the fed
eral army.
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1880-04-02

On the way down the party went ont
sWortlfishing, and, as luck would have It,
Secretary Sherman struck the first fish.
It weighed $50 pounds and measured
twelve and \ half feet. Il vas cooked
and relished b. al On board. The man ii
the boat who fired the lance after The
fish had been hooked came very near
hitting the Secretary with It.. and the
latter considered he had 8 very narrow
escane. rs
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1880-04-02
Poetry.
A. EAEEE w EE4E4.

z,,c,, roest. and abide. Like some gray tower
Gambling to ruin desolate mountain height
Death.gilent, save the screaming eagles flight.
~ patient day waits Timc's corroding power.
while thou, with wings Of fame, through Love-
vast space.
like some great planet, trarcrsed all spheres,
+ ali in vain, at lonely fount Of tears,
Must etrvc to qucnch my souls thirst for thy face
pnt mid thy varied splendors sometimes pause,
And stay sometimes thy sweep of radiant wing,
And bid thy voice old songs to memory sing,
For dirgcs on my broken lifc's lost canse,
which thou hast sung, while stood by thy side,
IL those long buried hours before Love died.
The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1880-04-02

John Gilpin was thin, eallow and awk-
ward; Ella Stanford, bonnie, buxom and
loving. They worked on neighboring
farms at Middletown, Conn, ard last
Wednesday they went before the squire
and We're married. The next thing on the
programme was the wedding tour. Neith-
er had money. Both had good, stout
shoes. Keeping excellent step as both
hearts beat as one, they set out to walk to
Woodbury. to visit Johns old folks.
wednesday night found them on tile road
pushing on through the snow. All day
Thursday they pressed on, and as night
fell they stopped at a little inn by the road
side. John was very much used UP on
Friday because of the long walk, but Ella
lent him shoulder, and so the wedding
tour continued. AS the two approached
within four Or five miles of Woodbury.,
John gave out, and persons who kindly
asked what was the matter heard only
from Ella a request to borrow a wheelbar-
row. At last, when a neighboring farmer
learned that the pedestrians had just been
married, he lent them a barrow, and, ten
derly placing the groom in this, the bride
wheeled him in triumph to the old folks in
WoodburV.--N. I. World.