The Stark County Democrat. [volume] (Canton, Ohio) 1833-1912, 1880-09-30
UattetY.
VARIETY SCRAPS.

The last resort Is o shoe shop
The seamstreSs forever-let her rip.
A piece commisSlon-Men these pants.
The sun Is the Oldest settler In the west.
The mother.ln law is the boss" woman.
The Chinese plank-An ironing board.
A grave error-Resurrectlng dead body.
An unhappy marriage Is like an electric ma
chine-it makes one dance but you can't let go.
The spots on the sun do not begin to create the
disturbance produced by freckles on the dRugh.
ter.
Grandpa-"NoW, Tommy, can you tell me where
port comes fromf" Tommy-"No, SIR; but I
know where 1t goes to-" The question is not
pressed,
"Nr, smithers, how can you sleepf The sun has
been up these two hours" well, what II 1t hasY'
said smithers. "He goes to bed at dark, while
I'm up till after midnight"
young lady wrote some verses for a paper
about her birthday, and headed them MAY 30. f."
1t almost made her turn gray when II appeared
in print, My 3Oth"
mo-" she said as she slipped the cream 1t would
take his last dime to pay for; mo, never eat
cake myself but ma says she is getting awful
hungry waiting for piece Of my wedding.
cake"
eliza Jane Liza Janel" said the old lady,
"YOu take In every stitch Of that washin' tonight
for see by the paper there's three delegates Ct
large in this parish"
A composltor who "set up" the toast: Woman
without her, man would be q savage" put the
stops In the wrong place, and 1t read: Woman
without her man, would be a savage"
At social reunion few evenings ago. the
question was asked, "0f what sort Of fruit do a
quarrelsome man and wife remind youi" The
young lady who promptly answered, "A prickiy
pear" got the medal.
Philadelphia clerk who is somewhat smarter
than his employer was heard to remark the other
day: THANK fortune, the boss has stopped ad
vertising for the BessOnI Now we will have
rest"
A man had the misfortune recently 10 lose his
wife, Over the grave he caused a stone to be
placed on which In the depth Of his grief he had
ordered to be inscribed: "TeRrs cannot restore
her-therefore weep"
The medical student OF Maine must dissect be-
fore he can become an N. D., but the law pro
vides that no bodies shall be dissected except
those Of executed criminals, and another law
abolshes capital punishment.
"HOw do you pronounce st In g.y2o Professor
stearns asked the young gentleman nearest the
foot Of the class. And the smart bad bay stood
up and said 1t depended great deal whether the
word was applied to man or bee. "Go to the
head, young fellow"
The doctors say that jumping the rope has
killed great many little girls We have known
1t to kill some full grown men, because they
couldn't jump clear through it-shCul too
broad.
A Harlem minister, while marrying q couple
recently, 10 reported to have been rather discon.
Certed on asking the bridegroom II he was will
ling to take the young lady for his welded WIFE,
by his scratching his head and saying "Yes, I'm
willing; but I'd much sight rather have her
sister,"
my DEAR" said . sentimental lover 10 his
dearie, "of what do these autumnal tints, this
glowing baldTic Of the sky, this blazing gArniture
of the dying year, remind you" Pancakes"
she promptly anBWered. And then he realized,
for the first time, that two hearts did not beat as
one.
"Tears, Idle Tears"
She WepI, and she wept, and she wept,
As she sat with her head In q Wimple,
why this grief2" exclaimed, as slept
To her aid; and her answer was simple:
"They said coulc make either side
In my cheek most beautiful dlmple
II cut out piece; and tried
And II isn't dim-it's q pim-plel"