Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1880-09-03
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JOSH BILLINGS PHILOSOPHY Gun
ming il very cheap edishun ov wisdom;
it devel0pes ameng the animals and have
seen idiots who had it.
However misery a woman may be she
seldom shows it in her bonnet.
1t muss bother the devil to kno on
which side to attak bizzy man.
We see in others the virtues and vices
we have got ourselves; but we see the vices
the plainest.
There are but few thing judged by their
merits, but rather by the way they affect
our opinions or interests.
The men who have the strongest intel
lect have the weakest memory; they trust
more to invention than memory.
Where there il one man who knows how
to do thing and does it, there are three
who are satisfied by telling how it ought
to be done.
The top of the ladder IL ticklish spot;
yer are liable to fall emmy time and kant
pick out the spot yer are going to strike.
Menny a man who has made fustrate
constable haz split biz milk by being made
deputy sheriff.
The man who haz no love of applause,
il either an angel or an idiot, probably the
latter.
The CRATE body ov mankind liy just az
the birds do, from hand to mouth.
A man had better have no creed at al
than to have one he is always anxious to
fight for.
Jealousy sleeps with one eye open and
the other ajar.
Hope il the halfway house between fear
and fruition.
It liz difficult to define our happiness
without making it look suspicious.
The man who IL original in manner il
generally more or less so in thought.
"You will observe from this word pater'
said a school-master to his pupil, s'the
great flexibility of the Latin language
Pater is father, and here we have patruus
an uncle; and propratuus, a great uncle
on the fathers side. Can you make any
such change in our language? Pater, par
truus, propatruus- father; is there any
way you can change father into uncle in
English?" II don't think of any," re-
piled young hopeful, "unless you get him
to marry your aunt
The Albany 'sArgus' relates that two
Vassar College girls were on their way
home over the Albany and Susquehanna
Railroad the other day. ''Maryland!''
yelled the brakeman as the train pulled up
at a station. ''What did he say?" asked
one Of the girls. maryland, replied the
other. ''Oh, let's get out!'' exclaimed the
first with sudden interest. But they were
too late. The train had started.
A soldier was sentenced for deserving to
have his ear cut off. After undergoing the
yard to the tune Of 1.-THE Rogue's March,
He then turned in mock dignity and thus
addessed the musicians gentlemen,
thank you, but have no ear for music.''
A young lady who has been married a
short time lately told a blossom friend'
that there was only one thing more aston
ishlng than the readiness with which Ned
gave up smoking when they became enga-
ged. and that was the rapidity with which
he took to it again after they were married.
A lawyer entering the office of his fami-
ly physician said in hoarse whisper:
doctor I've got such cold this morning
that can't speak the truth" 'sI'm glad
it ism It anything that will interfere with
your business. +" responded the doctor in
tone of sympathy.
81 see you are taking an umbrella 70
school with you today said a gentleman
to little Chicago girl one dark and very
windy morning. ''Oh, no, sir" was the
CHEEKY answer, as she chung to the handle
and went swooping by, ''it's taking me-"
About the only thing an American will
go to any great trouble about is the age o
his grandmother. He will make her older
than any one else's grandmother if lying
can do it.
'sIsn't your husband little bald?" ask
ed one lady of another, in store recently.
s'There isn't a bald hair in his head,' was
the hasty reply Of the wife.
A man who peddles lightning rods thro'-
out the country was never struck by
lightning. And this shows that the light
ming rods are fraud.
A smart American girl calls a young
fellow of her acquaintance Honey -suckle''
because he's always hanging over the front
fence in the evenings.
You can never convince man whose
lawn has been trampled down by crowd
that there are not sometimes more than
three feet in a yard.
An amateur female poultry-fancier call
ed at the bookstore for the book called
Foul Play" She thought it might give
her some useful hints.
1t is claimed by some medical men that
smoking weakens the eye-sight. Maybe
it does, but just see how it strengthens
the breath.
When two young men meet they address
each other as s'Old Man,, and when two
old fellows meet they say my boy.''
What pity the census was not taken
during melon season when half our popu-
lation is doubled ups -0I