The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1880-01-31
VARIETY.

Beware OF cards Many young man has fall
en- into the hands Of n knaye, and come within an
ace Of going to the deuce.
The man or woman who has never loved, hug
ged, kissed played with, listened to- or thorough
ly spanked a child, has missed the cardinal Joys
Of life.
''He took two drops Of thought, and beat them
into bushel Of bubbles was the description
given Of speaker whose rhetoric ran ahead Of
his logic
He who drinks and goes away
VIII live 10 drink another day.
But he who drinks between the drinks
Right quickly IN the gutter sinks
'I have theory about the dead languages, -
said n student. - What is t?' asked the
professor - That they are killed by being
studied too hard. -
In Extremis-Pat: "Do you buy rags and
bones here % Merchant: ave do, surr -
Pat Thin, be Jabers put me the sehkales =
Punch.
= A weIl-knOwn Eyangelican clergyman, on be-
ing accused Of learning toward Universalism, re-
piled that he hoped everybody would go to heav-
en-, Z" and, said he, Z" there some persons /
wish we're there now
Ebenezer Stone and his wife Flora, out in Illi-
nois, were divorced not long ago, but afterward
they came to an understanding, were REMARKED,
and are now happy together as far as we know.
1t was a case OF Eb and Flo, it would seem at
any rate they tide now.
Never leave what you undertake until you
can reach your arms around IL and clInck your
hands on the other side, ~ says a recently pub
lished book for young men. Very good advice !;
but what il she screams?
Laura (with noveI): .sOh, if this tale were on
Iy true and were the heroine!'' Katie !: what
with her prosecutions, her misery - Laura :'sAhI
hrrFf hon uher d1ezr ref hua aba nd
after all
A popular clergyman was greatly bored by q
lady who admired him without reserve. - Oh
my dear Mr." said she, last Saturday after
noon, - there iSHI any harm in one loving ones
pastor, is there p - Certainly not, Madame,"
replied the worthy cleric - not the least in the
world. long the feeling is not reciprOcated."
Boston Courier.
A certain young man brought his afhanced
down from the country to sec the sights. One
day while they were passing n cOnfectIOner's the
swain noticed in the window plaeard bearing
the announcement, . Ice cream-one dollar per
gall WELL said the young be walk
ed into the saloOn that pretty steep price to
charge for gal, but MaBia, III you through
no matter what it costs. Here's dollar, wait
er, ice cream for this GAL
After family prayer, few evenings since, lit
tie Quincy boy asked Mamma, how can God
hear folks pray when he's 50 far away? Before
the lady could frame suitable reply. sunny
faced miss Of five summers vehemently said iii
les bet He's dot telephones runnin' to every
place l''-BoStOH Courier.
An old Scotch lady was told that her minister
used notes. but would not believe it. Said one,
'sGang into the gallery and see" She did so,
and saw the written sermon After the luckless
preacher had concluded his reading on the last
page, he said, but will not enlarge The
old woman called out from her lofty position,
'Ye Gamma, ye Gamma, for your paper give out"
Archdeacon DenisOn is not a Pharisee; he is
anything but-being a downright fighter, who
simply takes advantage Of every point in the
game. II the following story about him illustrat-
ing this fact Is not true it Is certainly ''we in
vented" DenisOn was closely pressed in argu-
ment, but was evidently resolved to die hard, and
at length his antagonist, virtuOus engineer OF
the Smiles ideal, lost patience at the irregular
warfare Of the archdeacOn. a. Look here, sir,
he exclaimed despairingly, edo you acknowledge
that two and two make fOur?' II am not pre-
pared to make admission of that Importance,
replied DenisOn 'still have given the subject the
maturest consideration. Sometimes it is sup
posed that they make twenty-twO-'
Early in the present century, Samson Levy was
n prominent member Of the Philadelphia bar. \
client called one day and stated his case with
considerable prolixity, concluding with the ques-
ton s'Now, Mr.. Levy, what do you think had
better do D. '.If were you" was his reply, Il
would 20 home and put so note in my pocket
book, and 20 10 some lawyer Of my acquaintance
and ask his advice about the matter" The eli
ent's pocket-bOok Immediately appeared.
Mr.. Chauncey NJ. Depew told this story at the
recent New England dinner: In the Berkshire
hills there was funeral. The woman who min
OIe= curiosity with pity there with the mourn
ers. To the afflicted widow, in a melancholy
voice. she said, . When did you get your new
eight day clock ?'' - amt got no new eight
day clock - responded the bereaved woman
a. Wby, what is that IN the corner? Amt that
an eight day elOck?' persisted the curious vIsi-
tor. - No; that amt a clock, that tne ee-
ceased. We stood it on end to make room for
mOurners."