Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1880-06-04
Detroit Currency.

There is no sweeter revenge in life
than to come upon your enemy when he
has the toothsche.
A Georgia colored man tied a white
boy up In stable ana made him say
"nigger $500 times.
Never hit lecturer with a soft egg.
Boil them hard and they will act on the
principle of sand-club.
4 New York man has invented paste
board window-blinds, which make q
cow-shed look like an italian villa.
Tea-tasters in New York get as high
as 500 per month, but milk .tasters get
nothing but chalk and water.
Tho Winter Palace is the hottest
place in st. Petersburg. 1t is hot.
house because they "raise" things
there.
"Dses an umbrella protect? is the
momentous query sent out by Harvard
College to take tie place of the No. Is
puzzle.
This killing an actor stone dead and
then yelling for HIM to come before the
curtain is certain to start q row in the
gallery.
The New York Commercial .Adoertiser
impiously refers to the Agricultural
Department as the "National Pump.
kinery."
Let's encourage champion swimmers.
They never get sawed in two, boils
never bother 'em, and they have got to
swim or sink.
Chastlne Cox, the African murderer,
consoles himself with the reflection that
the best OF men are apt to do that sort
OF thing now AID then.
1t is of but little use to look out for
mad dogs as long as they don't adver.
tise their line of march. Better look
out for thunder. showers.
A London society paper says that
American women would be far more
beautiful if they weighed about two
hundred pounds apiece.
Almost time for the dishonest specu-
lator to bring in leaky butter and as
sumo an air of childlike innocence as
the grocer's hair stands up.
England has decided that no human
being can skate faster than a mile in
two and half minutes, but why should
any one want to skate faster?
A Savannah man invented a water
velocipede and thereby won the ever
lasting gratitude of the shark who took
in both inventor and invocation;
Senator Davis, of Virginia, now a
millionaire, used to be o railroad brake.
man. He made his money by not
slamming the doors of the cars.
In no body but the American Con-
gress could polygamy, bigamy and sim
gle. blessedness cuddle up to each ether
with such fraternal understanding.
Down in Nebraska the man who fools
with gun to see if it is loaded and
pops over an old friend, escapes lynch.
ing only when no one can find rope.
Congress- hasn't put pulp and paper
on the free list yet. Watch the mem
bcr from your district and hold him re-
sponsible so far as his vote is concerned.
President Hayes rises every morn
ing two hours before tho rest of the
family" says Washington paper.
Does it take him that long to build the
fires?
A Kansas weekly publishes "four-
teen rules to be observed during tor
nado." NAure has got to move faster
than 100 nalles an hour to get ahea of
this couEtry.
Miss Stoneman claims to be the first
female ever voting in New York State.
She can neither sew, knit, bake nor
patch, and it was we'll enough to make
man of her.
A San Francisco man won q wager
that o Chinaman would carry on his
back a one-horse wagon-load of vege-
tables. If "John" was mind to let
himself out he'd be o bad bruiser.
A Nebraska widow went out upon
the highway to rob travellers and get
money to buy seed.wheat, but the first
passer happened to be a widower and
she compromised by marrying him.
The Mayor of Leavenworth said he
liked to see boys enjoy themselves,
and then turned about and arrested
lad who gave him volley from beam
shooter. Mayor; are always inconsist-
ent.
Those who have visited John Sher-
mans farm in Ohio say that the fences
don't need repairing half as much as
the livestock. His slab-sided old cows
are the laughing stock Of the neighbor
hood.
If the worst comes to the very worst
in this country, good-looking fellow
can always sell his portrait to liver or
lung pad inventors to use as advertise
ments in patent.outside papers.-New
York Express.
The Philadelphia Chronicle sorrow
fully says: " Figures, it has been
claimed, won't lie, but this is mis-
take. Some of the finest female fig
ures upon tho streets are nothing but
padded deceptions."
Tho Buffalo Courier solemnly in
quires "Would it not be happy ar
rangement if European heirs to vast
estates in America should barter their
rights for those of American heirs to
vast estates in Europe?"
You may sing of ham AID mutton and veal,
Aud goyour last dollar on pie;
You may talk Of cake OF every sort,
And oysters may just fill your eye,
L. al