Clearfield Republican. [volume] (Clearfield, Pa.) 1851-1937, 1880-08-11
RUNNING A NEWSPAPER.


j. S. BLACK.
RUNNING A NEWSPAPER.
now COLONEL BAGsHoT's ASSISTANT
DID 1T.
Petroleum wordl
Colonel Bagshot runs weekly news
paper called the Union up in Chodunk
Recently the Colonel was called away
to New York on business, leaving th,
Union in the hands Of an assistant whC
had been in his employ some it'll,
time.
Now the Colonel knew that said as
sistant had the check OF brass statue
and the audacity Of a New England
fly, both indispensable attributes of the
newspaper man but still, after being
in the city about a week, he began (
grow uneasy, and telegraphed to Cho
dunk
"How's things?'
Back came the answer from The
ONtON WHOM tullOf
"Bully Circulation of the old thing,
gone up to a thousand. Been getting
up red-hot paper, and there's a gang
outside that are weeping because they
can't hoist shingle off the roof and
knock the whole machine TO atoms
Stay away as long as you like"
Bagshot didn't wait a moment after
receiving this encouraging dispatch,
He started home on the first train
and reached Chodunk before night,
The first man that struck him was
the ticket agent.
"Look, here, Colonel" he cried, ex
citedly, "rve a good notion to punch
your head, you brazen.faced old liar
"Why ?" asked Bagshot.
"Read that l' and the ticket agent
showed a crumpled Union into his hand
There was paragraph marked as
follows:
"Railroad News-Tho handy legged
idiot who robs the railroad company
at this village has purchased new
pocket knife. More knocking down
from the cash drawer"
Bagshot bit his lips
"Bill," said he, chats a calumny
and III see it righted in our next. It's
my assistants work"
| don't care whose work il is
growled the agent, "but if it amt con,
tradlcted somebody's got to die that's
ALL"
Bagshot didn't reply, but sailed down
the street to the Union Office.
He hadn't gone half a block before
he collided with Deacon Marsh.
The deacon seized him by the should.
er and exclaimed
"What do you mean, Bagshot, by
inserting that scandalously untrue item
about me2"
didn't insert any item, replied the
Colonel.
"Don't sneak out of il in that way.
you know you did. Why just cut
IL out of the Union-lsten :"
"Religious Intelligence That whit.
ed sepulchrc, Deacon Marsh, was
noticed, last Saturday night, trying to
open the coal hole in front of his resi-.
dence with his night key. The Deacon
was full as q goat, and couldn't tell
moonshino from cheese"
"Now, that's nice, amt it, saying
that was intoxicated on Saturday
night, when ] went to bed at seven
o'clock with raging toothache !"
"lts that reckless fool whom | left
in charge groaned the Colonel. an
make it all right, Marsh, and Bagshot
hurried on again, only to be confronted
by Major Blim.
"Colonel !" uttered Blim, in his deep.
est voice, "this is villainous It's my
intention sir, to call you out and shoot
you throug the heart. What the deuce
do you mean by publishing this note in
tho Union :"
Military Jottings. Major Blim, the
tattcrd old beggar, who hid in an oyster
barrel during the battle OF Bull Run,
wears a wig. He ought TO be shot in
tho back with baked apple"
81 can't help it, Blim, said Bagshot,
wiping his forehead, ats owing to that
young rascal IN the Office He has
made n red.hot paper. Just wait,
Major, and I'll fix things"
Then Bagshot started again. By
the time he reached tho postoflice, old
Parker grabbed him.
ooh, you unieeling ghoull" walled
Parker. "You ought to be rode on O
rail. The idea of making fun of my
poor, dead child !"
"How ?"
"How p he screamed.
"How have you the check to ask
how2 Maybe you didn't shove this
into tho Union, did you, you heartlcss
hypocrite p
"oBrruARr."
Little Bennie Parker
Had a stomach pain,
Rhubarb and opicac
Both were In vain
lie kicked the golden bucket
His parents hearts are sore;
They'el bury him tomorrow,
Az quarter Of four"
OF course Bagshot had 10 explain,
and promised tho bereaved father a
two. column notice of the dead Bennie's
virtues.
Hardly had ho done so before young
Cooley appeared.
"Colonel Bagshot," he answered,
''you are lying scoundrel. This is q
nice thing TO put in your blackguard
sheet about young lady"
"Society ltems-Miss Cooley, the
old hag on South street, waltzes around
in patent hustle in the hope of catch
ing fellow. But she cant, not even
II she lays the paint on twice as thick
as she does now
But Bagshot didn't stop 10 hear IL.
He few across the square and into
the Union Office like fash.
No one was there. That able assist
ant editor, warnet by friends unknown
had busted forever. Lying on the
desk was a Union folded 80 that this
notice caught Bagshots eye.
4