The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1880-06-17
WIT AND HUMOR.

WIT AND HUMOR.
Too much whiskey has had very
oaa effect upon a mans bump OF local.
lty. a FEW DAYS ago a speoulator stag
gerea across New street, opposite the
Stock exchange, and accosted e broken,
saying: Say, Mister, which is the
of COURSE" was the reply, as tho aston.
ished broker pointed to the opposite
side OF the street. "rhe deuse i" ejac-
ulated the tlpsy fellow, "J-y Cd
tod me moment ago, when was on
tnat side, that 1t was over here. But /
always said that he couldn't toll the
truth"
SIR, l have your note for $780," said
ono citizen to another, as they met on
larned street Saturday. eyes, guess
you nave" "And you'll pay it ?" "Not
Just now" "Sir! ] will have no fool
ing. II you don't pay tho note, Pll-"
1esT IN put it in the bank"
usC So" "And you'll be notified to
pay It," Eyes" "And If you don't,
tt VIII be protested. "QuIte likely"
" And the protest will
cost you twelve shillings. Please put it
IN the bank. Good morning, sir |"
A sIx-YEAR-oLD boy, living near
bridgeport, was questioned by his
school teacher the other day as to his ,
name. The boy said 'ho hadn't got none.
but you must have some name," IN
sisted the questioncr; "what do they
call you around homer" "They call
nae genuine iackass," replied the lit
tle fellow with sincerity. The inycsti.
CATION was promptly abandoned.
BELLE-This holly in my hair wants
a little rclief-it's too red.
Aunty-Well, why not put in sprIg
or Two of mlstletoe, dearp
Bellc-Nonsense, Auntyi why I
should have all the young mon kissing
me!
Aunty-1ndeed, no, my dear; they'd
10 nothing Of the kind. pve tried 'em.
"A LAD, who was at play with the son
ol next door neighbor, asked his COM
Danion: "Is not your father a fool ~
NO Who said that Of my father i,
was tho reply. "Nobody, as 1 knows
on" responded the knowing urchin :;
"but mother told me t'other day that |
was next door to a fool, and 1 didn't
know whether she meant your father
or Nat Smiths"
NOT long ago, in the court ofsessions,
an Irish lawyer, while arguing with
carnestness his cause, stated Il point
which the court ruled out. swell"
8 ild the attorney, "it it PLACE the coort,
II am wrong In this, l have another
point That Is equally as conclusive"
my boys" SAID kind Oil CITY
teacher, "ifyou would be president or
Tue United States YOU must be good
ana studious. "Who wants to be
preSident?' yelled out a young chap
Butler Bill, and sh OF an Iniun." And
the boys all chorused: "Them's our
sentiments"
MERCHANT: WccI, Donal,' that's
oecn awfn' times Tor sheep" "Nac
only them, but, ach a things gaun to
the deevil the noo." Merchant:
'i.osh, man II that's the way OF,
he'll need till extern his premise,."
MAMMA, says 1t is not polite to ask
for cake" said Il little boy.-"No,"
was the answer; cit does not loook
well In little boys TO do so."-"But."
SAID til" urchin, ''shc didn't say must
not cat piece if you gave it to NO."
AN intoxicated Providence man ask
eu railroad ticket agent for Il ticket to
i!ades, aud was given one for Troy.
Hes back now and will let the agent
Know mat hc didn'C want anything
worse than lie asked for.
WHEN mans wife comes In and
sees lin razor in hand aud with his
face all lather, and asks him, Are
you shaving?" it's provoking in him
to answer, "No, Pm blacking the
stove" but it's human nature TO so
reply.
a CLERGYMAN asked Il tipsy fellow
WHO was leaning againsta fence, where
he expected to go when I've died. :If
cant get along any better than now, l
shant 20 nowhere" said he.
10 parties who are unable to express
their feelings we would suggest the
matter OF sending them by freight.
BAsKEr-BoY OH street-"'Erc's yer
fresh trailing arb bItus-lO cents bunch
three for quarter" Unromantic
and practical customer r-"uave you
got any dandclion greens there?'
AFTER sharp flash Of lightning,
the other day, a little ilvc-year-oid
Essex boy looked up to his mother and
said, Mamma, guess God scratched
a pretty big match that time, don't
your"
~ HAD no time 10 stuff the chicken,''
apologizcd landlady to her boarders.
Never mind, madam, it's tough
enough as it is" replied one Of them.
AN old gentle man up town says his
boy Is the champion light wait OF the
country, for the gas is kept burning for
him In the hall every night after one
O'Clock.
y MERE matter Of form-Cutting a
urc:s.
asa..es.Enn..nerqs..z.a .rq.
What Better I1Sldemce
Could The people ask TO substantiatc
the merits Of DR.. Picrce's Family Med
ISinc than tina fa,t TINT thnv bovo wat