South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1880-03-05
WIT AND EIUNroR.

N''Ss snis uioihiiS OCt up urly.'
A Nebraska belle is engaged to mar |
ny Mr. Lemon. lie has promised to |
be her Lemon aid.
Before marriage-'Oh. my darling.
your voice is as musical to me as n YES. |
per bell whose tones fall softly on the |
perfnmcd evening air Speak again.
and say those words, my beloved, for | |
could listen to your voice until the stars
are extinguished in everlasting night !! |
Alter marria2e-'Pve had just enough !
Of your clapper. old woman, and if YOU
don't let up I'll leave the house.
party OF ladies and gentlemen were
spending the evening not long since at
the residence of gentleman in George
town who is quite celebrated for his wit.
He has little daughter seven years of
age, who has apparently Inherited from
her father his humor. This small Young
lady was present in the parlor during
the evening, anti while she was there
one OF the lady guests sang ballad
Then some one asked the little girl if
she would not sing something. ooh,
yon don't want to hear me sing after
that" said the child. An army officer
who was present, whose habit of hard
drinking is well known and who has
been in the habit of telling the little
girl his brave exploits. said TO her:
Come, come, pluck up courage and
sing. Borrow some of my spirit and
then you won't be afraid mo, thank
YOU replied the little girl. "your spirits
are too ardent"
On The eve OF vacation school teach
or was talking to his boys about the
same, and anticipated 4 certain Juvenile
characteristic by declaiming on cruelty
TO animals. Boys are often cruel to
frogs and toads. L remember when a
hoy OF wickodly filling up toad with
lire crackers, and then lighting the slow
match. He was Mortified TO sec this re.
mark received with livclicSt emotions
of interest and delight, and at hearing
one urchin say to another, 'By jings,
that's new note. Won't we have fun
blowing up the bull paddles down in
the meddcr!'
The pastor of ono Of the London
churches is notorious for his nervous
ness. On q recent evening, having Civ
On out hymn, he forgot TO make an
announcement until the organ was peal
ing lis loudest. oh stop stop stopr
lac cried, TO the great surprise of the
congregation and began: During the
singing OF this collection the hymn will
he devoted to the purpose or-Then he
saw his mistake. IL was too late to
mend it. lie looked round in horror
and paused, forgot what he was going
to say, made a tremendous attempt to
recover his memory, and, falling, cried,
with piteous plaintiveness The pur-
pose of-what-w WHAT told you this
morning. The whole congregation
burst into q loud laugh, which no effort
could restrain, and the remainder OF the
service was nothing better than 'mer-
ry noise
a young man who had just returned
from long journey, claspins his ador-
ed one in n loving embrace in a dirnly.
lighted parlor, was seized with great
terror that for an instant paralyzed all
his energies. ooh, my darling said he,
wildly, why didn't you write me OF
this? What is it-spinal disease? or
have you dislocated some OF your ribs.
that you are obliged to wear this great
leather bardagc?' ooh, love- size gent
~ murmured, this is only my new belt;
| would have got broader one, but il
would not go under my arms
A LEARNED CAT AND WISE Hen.
Mrs. Augustus w. Brooks, Of East
Eliot, Me-, has Tor did have about a
year ago. cat thirteen years old, which
sue brought from Boston, and for which
she has been vaiEly offered $50. This
learned pussy will stand up at the word
OF command, bow slowly or quickly rs
directed, walk around the room on Der
hind legs only, dance, turn somersaults.
80 through the motions of holdin"
jewsharp TO her mouth with ono raw
and playing on & With the other, new
when ordered 10 speak, kiss her paw TO
visitors, hold q saucer Of milk on her
fore legs and lap the milk and stand on
her hind feet and with her fore paws
catch bits of bread or meat thrown TO
her, like baseball player. Her kitten.
ayear old, will turn somersaults. The
same lady has hen which always wines
her feet on the mat on entering the
house, and if asked. How 90 YOU get
your living, biddy?' will scratch on The
floor, look to see il she hes scratched
out anything, and then look at the
quGstioncr 80 see if the answer is cor
rect; this hen despises the wooden,
chalk and porcelain cheats, which some
people palm Off on hens for nest eggs,
tumbling them out OF her nest as often
as they arc put in. a rooster will also
scratch the floor when asked how he
gets his living, but can not be made to
wipo Isis feet.
Life is put together considerably like !
q set Of harness. There arc traces of
care, lines Of trouble, bits Of good for.
tune, breaches ofgood manners, bridlcd |
tongues, aud everyb body has to tug to
pull through.
II is nice when n wife gives her hus- |
band box Of cigars on his birthday. |
but il somehow takes the romance all !
out Of it when she quietly observes |
next morning, You'll have to give me
some money TO pay for those cigars ( |