The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-01-22
WAITS AND NHIMS.

1t is very difficult to correct all the
ills that butter is hair to.
THE most tony" thing in the kitchen
is the rolling-pin, because it rolls right |
over, even the upper-crust.
The telephone has been introduced
into Paris, but can scarcely succeed in |
country where they don't yell Hellop
"Tm shocked, that's what am
shocked!" as the bundle of grain re-
marked, quoting from once favorite |
operatic burlesque.
WHEN key was called for and the
gentleman pulled out corkscrew, some
one remarked that that was the key that
unlocked his gait.
/ BILL" is generally a whole-souled |
| fellow, but when the merchant presents
him you hardly care for an introduc-
| ton.
kiss him because he smokes. She kisses
| some women have.
THE Massachusetts Supreme Court
| decides that woman is competent to
testify as to her own age, but it doesn't
tell how to make them do it.
| CHARACTER makes the man, says an
exchange. True, but character has
been working On time for the last dozen
years.
IT is no consolation to a man who has
caught nothing but a dead cat and a
| cola, to be told that there are as good
fish in the sea as ever were caught"
"MY eyes have lately failed me-" said
gentleman of three score years. "There
is this difference between us" remarked
a younger man, 6 for it was my owes
that failed me-"
WHEN we hear a man Dragging that
he is self-made man, we often wonder
why he did not ask a wise man to help
him pick out better timber, before he
began to build.
IF man can't make both ends meet let
him sit down on the end of shaky bar
rel. When the head caves in the prob
lem will be solved to his complete salts
faction.
THE papers are altogether 'too fresh"
with their stories of canine sagacity.
What we want are a few instances of
human sagacity. They would be SO re-
freshing!
| The advantage of having telephone
connection with your church is that you
can listen to the sermon in bed Sunday
morning and fall asleep at just the right
places.
| THE Providence Press tells of a lady
in that city, who, after atJentively ex-
amining bust in window, eagerly in
quired: "And who was this Terra
Gotta, anyway
The many-lived cat has found her
match at last. 1t was in Framingham.
The house was burned down, the match
was burned up, and the cats life was
put out.
| A FATHER said to his fve-year-old
boy, who came in late at dinner from
school, Robbie, why are you so late? ?
Didn't you hear the bell?'' Yes,
father replied Robbie, but I couldn't
hear it plain
The style for this year: Young lady
of the period" Governor, $40, please
| am going to take a gentleman to the
party tonight and want a carriage" Of
course she gets it. The little darling
Modern Argo.
JANE GRAY SwIssHELM declares that
this world will be grossly mismanaged
until there are as many boys born as
girls" Mrs. Swisshelm is right. That
is the only way to prevent miss manage
ment.
A FASHION paper says "pink and
cream is a mixture much in favor in
London" That may do for the British
but in this country &C Tom and jerry is
the mixture that has the most solid grip
on our affections. Constitution.
AN old oyster dealer, who had caught
billions, and eaten millions of the deli
cious bivalve, was delighted with dish
given him at church fair called
"oyster stew" He said it was SO new
to him-he was so sick of oysters.
WHEN certain ignorant Justice oil
the Peace had his attention called to the
particular section of the law fatty con.
tradicting his decision, he replied that
he always disagreed with the revised
statutes in that particular.
; IT is strange how the sudden opening
: of parlor door will send two people tC
the ends of sofa and set them to count
ing the figures in the carpet. There
must be something powerful in the draft
of air to blow human beings around in
that way.
WILLIAM EPSON, young lawyer oi
! Unad1lla, very recently became the
l father of twins, and band of his Sun
day-school associat tes came out and sere
nade1 him with, Lord, hear of show
ers of blessings" 1t was good thing
, to suggest to him, for he might not havl
thought OF it.
BROOKLYN school examination
. (" Who is the President of the United
!, States?'' Silence "Who lis the pres
: ent Governor of the State of New
: York;" More silence. "Who is tn,
: Governor-elect of the State Of New
! York Y' Dead silence. Who won tn,
= last walking-match" Chorus of suck
a ling Presidents" R-o-w-e-l-l?
ROBERT. who fears he is rejected
o ''But you know, Rebecca, we are com
n manded to love everybody" Rebeccs
8 =" Yes; and so do love everybody
i Robert (pinaforically)-" What, every
is body?" Rebecca (shyly)-" Well, yol
l. know, present company is always ex