The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1880-07-30

cy Park is constantly receiving pro
posals of marriage from ladies all over
the country. 1t is strange what an in
sane ambition some women have TO be
the wives of wealthy corpses.
A highly feasible scheme for the rapid
liquidation of the national debt has been
suggested by an ingenious party, who
proposes TO induce Dennis Kearney 10
become citizen of Dakota, under the
laws of which man can be fined one
dollar for every oath he utters.
Tothe end that Dr. Tanners powers of
endurance may be tested TO the utmost
limit, a lady has availed herself of her
leap-year privileges and has made the
fasting physician a proposal of mar
rage. That woman has an eye to bust
nets that will help her to capture a
cheap husband, and don't you forget it.
The man who has earned an abundant
entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven
by steadfastly resisting the evil tempta-
ton, even on the hottest days of the
present summer, to torture every one he
CHANGED to meet with the idiotic ques-
ton, "Is this hot enough for you ?" will
be leading attraction at the Bismarck
fair.
There is a notable dimlnution in the
number of tramps all over the country,
and these peripatctic nuisances are grad
ually drifting, by force of circumstances,
into more honorable avOcations- Proba-
bly, the yearning desire on the part of
these Democratic travellers to return to
the road is one of the causes of their
party's clamor for a Change"
The most approved method of sui
eide now is to take passage on an excur-
sion steamer. A cheap ticket covers the
| expense; the means are warranted TO
prove infallible; the manner of death is
less shocking to friends than other pre-,
vailing modes of self destruction, and
the absence of funeral expenses tends
very largely to mitigate the grief of sur
viving relatives.
An eastern journal wants 10 know how
to meet the great heat wave. We have
not given the subject very careful atten
ton, but a casual consideration of thu
question leads to the conviction that thu
comfort of the formahties might bC
greatly enhanced if an appointment
could be made by which the encounte
could take place in an eligible beer vaul
with southern exposure.
An item is going the rounds of tn
press which says that four robbers brok,
into 4 Kansas house, intending to muI
der the inmates and rifle the place, bu
) finding keg of beer in the cellar, the.
got helplessly drunk and were all al
rested. The friends of st. John, how
ever, pronounce this campaign lie, il
) vented for the Obvious purpose of dt
feating the constitutional amendment
The most economical outfit of whic
: the human mind can conceive, would b
IA matrimonial alliance between DIR. Tai
ner and Lydia Thompson. With til
7 doctors ability to subsist without fooC
f and Lydia's very modest needs in til
a way of clothing, the world might reason
: ably expect this frugal pair to outstri
!, the average plumber in the rapid Gel
;. tralization of wealth and the speedy a
cumulation of the most colossal fortur
r o. modern times.
@ 1t is said that not less than OF
n thousand ministers representing the v
4 lious religious denominations of IL
k country, have temporarily abandOne
q their charges and gone 10 Europe f
r the summer. Business men have N
i. contemplated this exodus without sci
Gus alarm, though it is estimated til
the fifty thousand editors who stay /
hind, will be equal to maintaining Il
e balance of trade and keep at least a 81
s. ficient volume of currency on this SIT
4 of the pond to meet the demands
trade.
is After years of waiting, a giimmerll
lie ray of hope casts its feeble beams athwa
ID the deep despair that has settled dow
ic upon the public mind in relation to I
Indian question. The interior depa
~ ment at Washington has received a te
q gram from Indian Agent Ludlam,
n. Casa Grande, Arizona. stating that t
n Indians at that place were drunk on !
uor of their own manufacture, and tn
were killing each other with splend
execution and the most satisfactory
:: suits
The last few weeks have done Vi
deal in the direction of creating a ser
~ ment in favor of water. DR. Tanner l
proved it to be frugal source of no
" ishment, and the other day a New l
En- ven street fight was summarily quel
ie- by throwing a stream of it with the
III engine upon the belligerent parties.
NY does seem like magnifying the possil
IL tiles of the case to suppose that Adal
or ale will ever attain any great measure
1t popularity as a Democratic bevera
but the world moves, and we are liv
in an age of unrivaled progress.