Morning journal and courier., 1880-06-23
ARMY WORMS.

The Sun is the journalistic mudder of Pres
 lents.-New York Commercial Advertiser.
 s'No matter how ill-tempered or resentful the ship may be on her voyage" said old Captain Crosstrees, sshe always drops her rancor when she comes into port. "-Burling- ton Hawkeye.
 Without wishing to encourage the world in gabble, we may state that the goldenness of silence is over-estimated. The mute, inglo- rious oyster is always getting into broils, stews and hot water.
 The average person speaks about 120 words a minute. This estimate Is considerably short of that required when the speaker has trunk lid fall on his head while he is hunting for a sleeve button.-Andrews' Queen.
 ''Lost, pearl earring set in gold in Ja- maica Plain horse car" is the way an adver- tisement is worded and it is fortunate that that article of wearing apparel was lost. or the world would never have known that Bos- ton ladies can wear horse cars as setting for their pearls.-Boston Globe.
 There had been a heavy thunderstorm, and the parched earth and wilted vegetation drank in the refreshing showers. T should think the plants would whisper to each other how delicious it is,'' he exclaimed, enthusi- astically ''Yes,'' she said, ''all but the onions; they wouldn't be likely to whisper with such breath.
 ''One of the bores at card playing" says ''Cavendish, the great whist authority, lis the If you had partner, who constantly greets you with If you had only done so-and- so, we should have made so-and-so.' My favorite retort to him is to ask if he has ever heard the story of your uncle and your aunt If he has, he does not want to hear 1t again, and is silent If he has not, and inno- gently falls into the trap by expressing de- sire to hear it, I say, in solemn voice, If your aunt had been Q man she would have been your uncle
 'eI see you have that old cat still t'' said gentleman visisting an uptown lady the other evening, as he contemplated the family Nal tese under the sofa.
 tI suppose you refer to my mother-ln- law 7? Yes, the hateful old busybody is still with us. I suppose she let you in Just like her officiousness-a always interfering with the company I declare, if Augustus don't get rid of her next week I'll go straight home to pa, so will !"
 And the visitor changed the subject to the walking match.
 As soon as the meeting was fairly under way, Brother Gardner announced that Judge Affidavy Martin, late of Alabama, but now travelling in the North as the agent of pat ent fish hook, was present and desired to ad- dress the club on ''Our Future. :" It was voted to hear the address and after being re- ceived in due form and introduced, the judge stood upon the platform and began: 'We mus not look in de past fur our fucher. No man kin tell what de mex hun'erd vars will bring fo'th by looking ober de fence of old graveyards What am our fucher? Who kin tell what dis nashun will amount to if it keeps on in the way it hez begun? If any one had told you twenty years ago dat to- night would stan. befo' you wid paper collah on my neck, you would have set him down as an assassin, yet de march of inn proyement has accomplished eben mo dan dat Fur de sum of fifty cents you kin have brass watch chain fixed up so nigh like gold dat you kin work it in on 8 hoss trade for fifty dollars Elf anybody had told George Washington dat de day would come when shirts would button behind, what would dat great man have said De kentry mighty clock. Every time de pendulum swings child am bon. Ebery time de mint hand takes jump somebody comes to the front wid new sort O stomach bitters or an i'm proved rat-trap. Ebery hour ticked off am mile O railroad built, bridge laid down, hill levelled or 8 forest cleared. Sich of us as kin rem Der back a hun'erd y'ars can re llze de change mo dan de young folks. Sich of us as lib hun 'erd yars in de fucher viii not be surprised to see jugs wid free handles, coffee pots dat shet up like jack-kn1fe, rat traps dat illuminate de house, an rockln' chars dat sail ar un' on wheels" The speak CT closed amid cheers and applause, and for the remainder of the evening was given the seat of honor under the bear -trap.-Detrolt Free Press.