Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1880-07-01
Fun for Our Friends.

agent.
A tramp called his shoes corpora
tons, because they had no sOles.
A man who uses the floor of a rail
way car as a spittoon should be put in
the baggage car as a spitz dog.
"Oh, paw cried a little fellow upon
seeing trout for the first time, ''its got
the measles, hasn't it?'
Mamma, what are twins made for?"
Her precociOus brother replied: $50
that Cannibals may eat philopenas."
A mute in Hackensack, in transport
of JOY, squeezed his affianced to death.
The jury's verdict was: Died of mute
elatiOn."
A young lady being asked by boring
theologian which party in the church
she was most III favor of, she replied
that she preferred wedding party.
St. Louis girls say that those of Chi
cagO never have shoes that are mates,
because of the difficulty of finding two
sides of leather alike
Now this is what | call business, :"
remarked Brooklyn undertaken, as an
unfortunate gentleman stepped into his
store and died.
Dad, if it's so injurious to smoke
why don't chimneys get sick and die 2"
| The old gentleman merely replied that
he wished he had Il trupk-strap handy
A clock was on view at the Paris ex-
hibition which fired off pistol hourly
The exhibitor on being questioned as to
its object, replied that it was to Kill
time.
DR.. Hall says that every blade If
grass contains a sermon. We can I'M
derstand now why some people shave
their lawns down so close They want
the sermon cut short
The newspapers often print the 'last
words" of men, but never those of
women. The latter would take up too
much room, and crowd out the adver-
tisem ents-NOrriStOWn Herald
A gentleman presented a lace collar
to the object of his alteration, and in
jOcular way, said: do not let any one
else rumple it," mo DEAR" said the
lady, II will be careful to take it off"
Kentucky's business interests are
looking up. All her distilleries are at
work night and day endeavoring to keep
up the whiskey supply during the po-
litical conventions.
An Irishman of a mechanical turn
took off his gas metre to repair it him
self, and put it on again upside down.
| AT the end of the quarter it was proved
that the company owed him $15.75.
Nowadays it is impossible to listen to
the conversation Of half dozen young
society people without feeling that the
American language should be more APP
prOpriately called the American
| slanguage.-Norristown Herald.
An argument for cremationists, A. d.
1900. Scene in a cremation under
takers shop. Small boy with q pail:
Il say, sir, is dad done yet? If he is
please put his ashes in this ere tin ket-
| tie"
When old man Snubkins died one
week after his wife had gone over the
river, he asked as a special favor that
he be buried at her head, as, he said, he
had been buried under her foot ever
since he married.
Leadville has had leap-year ball
which was conducted in proper STYLE.
The girls had three knife-fghts and then
a general shooting atfray, while the men
huddled together in Il corner and yell
! ed.
| y Yankee woman recently married
a Chinese laundryman, and in three
days thereafter the unhappy Celestial APP
peared at a BARRIERS and ordered his pig
tail to be cut off saying in explanation,
''Too muchee yank."
An exchange publishes an article
Boosting of what single bean can
produce" It is amazing. Fired from a
bean-shooter into a mans ear it can pro
duce some of the worst language man is
capable Of uttering.
Jones propounded the following the
other evening, after slipping of his al
legged tea: "Why is this drink like
milk ?" OF course nobody could guess,
and after he had divulged by saying it
was lack-tea-al fluid, nobody dared to
smile.
A school teacher, who had just been
telling the story of David, ended with
"And all this happened over 5000 years
ago." 4 little cherub, its blue eyes
opening with wonder, said after mo-
ment's thought, "What memory YOU
have gotr'
She asked him to explain the unit
rule, and, being young man well post
ed upon political topics he was able to
do so. Next she artlessly asked, "Isn't
it nearly time for us to try the unitrule?'
And it was nearly thirty seconds before
that young man realized that she had
taken leapyear advantage.
It takes a Vermont sheriff for shrewd-
ness. When an officer found that a
horse thief, who had been a hired man,
was lurking in wood lot, he didn't 90
and chase through the woods and cap
ture him; he just blew dinner horn.
and the thief came in on q run and was
arrested
4 Southern paper quotes gentle
man of the colOred persuasion as say
ing: mo, parson, probly'u never git
courage to jine the church. When a
poor darkey's spiritual visor takes him
down in the riber and says, I capsize
thee and then ducks him under, it's
time dat darkey looks after himself
You don't play none oh dem games on
me, old man
Hans Growyost, worthy German
farmer, who has been lifelong resi-
dent OF Berks county, has a shrewish
wife, who has long rendered his life any
thing but couch of roses. One day
not long ago she, in a fit of pique,
picked up her buds and left him, VOW
ing never to come back. The news
went around among the neighbors-