The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1880-04-03
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.


What do the cornstalk about?
Foreign affairs--Organ grinders.
Under the gaslight-The burners.
Foul play-The Grand Ridge chicken main
The nation will return to its census In june
After Tilden, who?-Stu,. U. S. Dist. Attorney
Woodford for those unpaid income taxes
When An inebriate in the gutter was told he
had found his lcvel-"Yes, sp-sp-spirit level
he grunted.
"C,naman marry his widows sister," asks an
exchange. Probably If he can lind her over
there.
II il lucky TO pick mp u horseshoe, unless, OF
course, it happens to be attached to mule
hind leg.
oDocs your mother know your route" asked
a rival when the bride and groom started ON
their wedding tour.
"SoIders must be fearfuly dishonest" said
Mrs. Partington; at seems to be an occurrence
every night for sentry to be relieved OF his
watch"
The threatened Ode to Spring has come to
hand. II begins II love to smell the cows
u
and smell
What is home without broomstick? p fonkerS
Gazct,e-A heaven for ameek husband we should
ray.
The question now agitating the presidential
rings among the stalwarts is VIII Sherman have
HAYES send some visiting statesmen to the
Chicago convention to see that there is fair
count?
Bob Ingersol don't see how it is possible for
men to die worth s5,OOO,OOO in city full OF
want" Egad, 1t is difficult, Bob. 1t is hard to
die worth even 81, 00O,O0o
A Troy clergyman has been presented with
sword He ought to feel very grateful, as a
sword IS very handy article for a clergyman to
have about the house especially in fly time
A Cleveland man fell dead in church just three
minutes before the deacon was TO take up col.
lection. There are lots OF ways to save money.
Boston Post.
The gem puzzle 10 raging frightfully in Chica
20. 1t lie said last Sunday, when one Other clergy
men, noted for his long sermons, announced eff.
teenthly," two.thlrds of his audience got up and
went out, protesting that he couldn't do it.
SWEETS TO THE SWEET.
The brew OF vintage may be fine,
But man meier finds in beer or wine
However deep may quaif he,
4 JOY that can at oil compare
With flirting with some maiden fair,
Or giving damsels tafy. Puck.
There is no place like San Francisco for enter.
prise, after all. Last week the wife OF q well
known business man, residing on Ellis street,
eloped. The departure was discovered about 10
o'clock in the evening, and at the same hour the
next morning the husband had the furniture sold
at auction and delivered up the key to the land.
lord the afternoon of the same day. He was ter
riby afraid she'd change her mind and return.
The choice some people make OF matrimonial
partners is hard to understand. A young Maine
farmer married highly cultured Boston girl
who didn't know the first thing about houseksep-
Ing, but had devoted her youth to the study Of
geology and mincrology, and when he took her
home, Instead OF attending to household dulles,
che went roaming about the farm and soon dis
covered on her husbands land gold mine worth
$4,000. You can't always tell how a match will
turn out.
As n lazy tramp went down the street
With free and easy gait,
This welcome sign his eyes did greet:
Free chops to those who wait"
"Now here" he said, "rll get some food
Without the slightest tax"
They led him TO pile OF wood,
And handed him an AK. World.
II believe in n personal devil" said Mr. Moody.
at a revival meeting held in remote Western
city. "Thats true, that's true--you're right
there, stranger" said an old farmer, rising from
his seat in his earnestness. Whcreupon a calm.
faced placid looking woman rose from the other
end OF the pew, took him by the ear, and led him
slowly out, and the assembly knew then, for the
first time, that the old mans mind was filed with
domestic thoughts instead Of the hereafter -
Burlington Hawkege.
Out In that Western Eden, as some Dakotans
call it, and at the helm of 4 newspaper in Fargo,
Is poet who surpasses all bards who have
lived and rhymcd on this planet not excepting
the singer Of Michigan or the author OF "Maple
Dell" His talent is especially displayed in head.
ing the tclegraphic dispatches, and day after day
an amount is furnished Of which the following
Is sample as to style and quantity, the one pc
culiarity being that the final line Is never
changed, for the Fargo 4r9uS lie for Grant first
last and on all It's pages, and there is good rea
con TO suspect that paper is preparing to seat
him in the Presidential chair, whether he is nom.
mated and elected or not. But here is the head
ing referred to:
The GREAT HIVE
How Doth the Busy Grecan Thug Unto His
Nature Cling, and Swear to Lop the Col
onefs Head Unless They Ran.
som Synge
How Also Victor Hugo Doth Express HE Piou,
Wish tbs France Should Shelter
Alexis Foe, nor He
Him Extradsh.
And Ditto, How the Wise Hannay Delights the
Jewish Shops, by Stating that His
Lucky Find VIII Cause No
Fall in props"
How Do the Troops Protect Los Home, the Pig.
tails Start TO Go, Crime and Disaster
Spread Aman-lncrease Of