Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1880-02-27
L'AllEGRo.

A stranger i'll Bodie one day last week
in eating plate of hash at a restaurant,
being very hungry, unguardcdly neglect
ed to chew it properly and swallowed n
large coat button. They doctored hlm
for pneumonia three days before he was
able to explain Then they fed him big
button-hole tied to string and tished 1t
ont in no time He now screens all his
hash..through cane-bottomed' d'chalr very
carefully before eating g.-GOldH HiH NerS.
OF all church quaIrels that now aglta-
ting Kansas City, Mo, is the FUNNIEST a:
The pastor of a church desires to marry
again, but his dear people oppose 1t, as
! he is now 80 years old, has been twice
married, has nine children and wants TO
wed woman who. though only 30, hand
some and accomplished, is said to have
been divorced from former husband
Recently church meeting was held to
/ consider the case, and the pastor deliver
ed long address to show that marriage
with divorced woman was lawful, at
which his hearers wept The church has
not yet relented, and 1t Is expected the
pastor will marry the woman and take the
consequences.
An exchange tells ola young lady, who,
writing to confidential friend, stated
/ that she WIS not engaged, but that she
saw n cloud above the horizon about as
large as mans hand.
1t was a fashionable reading class, and
the Boston girl who WAS doing the lee
turing said : Young ladies, You are no
doubt aware Of the story Of St Angus
tine q .'Oh, yes" answered little Miss
Smarty of Murray Hill. I'VE spend few
| weeks there every winter. Il did not
refer to the town i'll Florida, SAID the fe-
male of the Hub, ''bnt to the conversion
of Saint Augustine. An awful silence
fell upon the fashionable reading class
". y. HdH.
Professor Can you multiply con-
crete numbers together? The class are
uncertain. Professor: ''What will be
the product of five apples multiplied by
six potatoes?' - Pupil Uriumphantly)
clash"
Judge Thomas Sergeant. oi the supreme
court Of Pennsylvania, once said that III
it were not for the women this would bca
hard world for painters, paper-hanSers
and clcrGymen. -Mitatciphja Pro-
grcsS.
Jockey-"That horse knows me. sir.
lie alWaNS goes Wien III ''hihu hiiH'
Robbings (who has Il way Of thinking
aloud)-"Yes. | should think he would
want to get away from you as fast AS pos
sible. ."-BostoH Transcript.
On February II Japan will celebrate
the 25iOth anniversary of .Iinmu Ten-O's
accession to the throne of the empire. 1t
NAV he added that Jinmu has been dead
for some years.
Sanctum revelations by the Cincinnati
Enquirer:
When the nng-hairel luny poet isn't present,
When the wlld-ey yed nillre-seeker lSnt there,
Their place. then are ncd 10y nends less pleasant.
on. never can YOU md vacant char.
When the scandaliZ" "d maiden and her foes
Are not present for Ia shoot you If They can
There are Other men and women then. 10 h'ihtr-
An edliu: Is not happy man.
A "pretty poll who had been taught to
swear by one master fell into the hands
of Il party who resolved to break up the
birds bad habit. To effect this, every
time he uttered an oath he was ducked III
cold water and then set by the fire to dry.
One day when he WAS recovering from the
effects of his punishment basket of
chickens that had got rain-soaked was
placed by the fire near polls bench. He
eyed them in silence for while and then
siding up to them said, sotto cocc,
"D-d little fools! been swearing,
hey?"
Mr. DE Luc Will Immediately distribute
few teapot seeds. He proposes to cult
vate n new variety, with cool handles -
Ncw Uaron Register.
The stage from Santa Fe, rolling gently
along through the clouds Of dust which
belong to that region, pulled up suddenly
to allow traveller in long mustard
colored duster to ascend. He was, of
course, an English tourist, and observed
to his ncighbor: Rum place l stopped
at for refreshment Just now Woman
they call Axe-handle Fan. She's got II
big axe-handle, aud ii the unwary travel
Ter objects to the hash, she lays him ont
with it, | didn't Grumblc much myself,
for | noticed that her husbands head
looked like prize pumpkin.
The more good clothes lady has the
easier it is to induce her 10 act us direc
tor i'll charitable object. Free
Press.
Old Ike. Hammer, did You ebber notis
dat wen | gives you half dollar ter buy
ha'rpins wild, you snatches at it like dog
snappin' at flies, an wen you hans it to
de dry goods sto' clerk you dnz it wid Yer
thum' an fo'finger, like You WAS n gihbin'
him toob rose to put in his wesket? |
seed you do dat mo II once i'll de New 1awk
Sto', and de fust ting dat firm knows
deyll miss a clerk, an I'll git inter trub-
BILE bout it
Art received rather an awkward criti
cism from Il frec-and-easy Young man,
who recently met a sculptor III II social
circle. and addressed him thus: ''Er-er
so you are the man-er-th that makes
er-lnud heads And this was the ar
fists reply: ''Er-er, not all Of 'cm |
didn't make yours.
send you story, lately told here.
which am sure has not before appeared
in print A citizen from Illinois was see
ing Westminster Abbey under the guld-
ance of an Irish vergcr. Hush, surr -
said the latter ''hush, SUR for we're
approaching the tomb of the CRATE juke-
the .Juke of Wellington. Dye know,
surr, that he loies here with ten tons OF
stone undhcr him? And thin he's en-
cased in foive collins, and thlm III Il CRATE
sarcophagus /; and thin there's above him
agin Just tin more tons of Oirish granite,
that s at once a protection and II memo
rial " wal, said the lllinoisian, my
impression is that .yoH'rc got hiHi, siG-C.
But if the old cuss shows any signs Of
breakin' ont, Jest telegraph at my ex-
pense To P,oria, Illinois = NcW York
COR.
The base ball reporter of Il daily paper
was once sent to Il choral service. which
lie reported as follows Melodious Praise
Grand Choral Services Religious err
cles have been ON the IW CiCC for some
time ON account of the new choral service
to be brought ont mt the Church of the
Excellent last evening. The sacred edi
flee was crowded III every part 10y very
fashionable congregation of ladies and
gentlemen. The comp doi Of the field
from the scorers stand. on the left of the
organ, was indescribably beautiful No
sooner was the game opened than 1t
wns apparent to all that II champion ninc
were getting III their work IN II mastery
10y As soon as the organist's = hand
warmed to the nay ne sent DID,, ..,ttar
to the soprano, whose voice is capable of
the best fielding seen in this vicinity for
several wears. The tenor was caught out
on the fly 10y his voice giving way, but
his bad play was compensated for by the
magnificent work the hasso did as short
stop. The nine played well together, and
Were under the complete control al their
captain.
There was tair maiden IN Nd-sir,
In German no one could sutpLrs hCi
She danced IL 50 well
And talked It 50 III
That the faculty had To unciass her
A gentleman who was Intcrccdiuc with
Bishop Bloomfield for II clergyman who
was constantly IN debt, and had more
than once been nsolvent, but vino WAS a
man of talents and eloqucnc", concluded
his oulogism 10y saying, IN fact, my
lord, he is quite st. Paul Yes, snid
the bishop, dryly, 'inprisons oft.
Home rulcrs-The o Fmig;n Ee,lad
sOrr, we were pcstrrcd wId those rascally
spies of Government reporters at oar
meeting last night. The O'Erady-
''Rimnimts y Tory harbarisIn, s"rr. iis
more careful, sorr stand at the door, and
don't let II man III unlts he comes HIM
self