Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1880-07-16
CHEST EXPANDERS.

THAT explains where my clothes-line
went to-" exclaimed an Iowa woman, as
she found her husband hanging in the
stable.
A Leadville deacon ran a man three
miles up a hill, and then rolled him
back in barrel, for the offense of call
ing church a joss-house.
A New-York Chinaman was asked his
age, tor the census. He thought it was
for the draft, and, wishing exemption, he
replied, 100 years oldee, alice timee."
Gentleman" said an amateur farmer
just from the city, writing to the chair
man of an agricultural society, put me
down on your list of cattle for calf
Puck.
81 should like to see somebody abduct
me, said Mrs. Smith at the breakfast
table the other morning. Him! so
should l, my dear; so should l." said
Mr.. Smith with an exceeding earnest
ness.
She was pretty waiter-girl in down
town hash emporium, and when she
took his order for blackberry pudding,
and cried "slump!" through the speak
ing tube to the kitchen, he lost his appe-
tite.
A California girl eloped with her OBJ
jectionable lover the same day her moth
er was enamelled, and, as the latter was
compelled to remain shut up three days
OF else crack all over, the couple man.
aged to get away without pursuit.
Wilkes, the painter, said it took him
Just half an hour to talk away his ugly
face. A lottery office keeper is said to
have offered him 10 guineas not to pass
his window while the tickets were draw
ing, for fear of his bringing Ill luck.
Some centuries since, an English king
ordered every citizen of the realm, save
clergymen and judges to practice shoot
ing at the butts. But nowadays the
youthful gamin improves on the English
king, aud draws on the butt instead of
shooting at it.
Said the mistress of cigar store to a
young Bohemian journalist, This is the
sixth time that you have been here with
out saying word about the money you
owe me-" "Ah, madame" gallantly
replied the clever scribbler, "when one
sees you he forgets everything"
A young lady, who has been married
a short time, lately told bosom friend
that there was only one thing more as
tonishing than the readiness with which
Fred gave up smoking when they became
engaged, and that was the rapidity with
which he took to it again after they were
married.
As happy couple were leaving the
church, the husband said to the partner
of his welded life: Marriage must
seem a dreadful thing to you. Why,
you were al of a tremble, and one could
hardly hear you say 4 will" II will
have more courage and say it louder the
next time,n said the blushing bride.
A well-dressed man was recently sit
ting at dinner in first-rate hotel, and
was served with soup. He looked up at
the waiter, and said: ''No, you can't
come any soup dinner on me. Bring me
some things that 1 pay for-almonds,
salmon, water-crushes, chickens, ice
cream, and that ham with champagne.
Leave out the champagne, and I'll make
it up in beer"
There is a man in an uptown hotel
who doesn't know that the kitchen
chimney is in the wall, directly back OF
where he hangs his thermometer, and
when he looks at the instrument, which
he knows is correct one, and finds il
registers l9O, he has been driven to array
. ing himself in seersucker on a compare
lively cool day, and perspiring at that
under the impression that it was awful
hot.-BoSton Post.