The new Northwest. [volume] (Portland, Or.) 1871-1887, 1880-07-08
Tie Mndarn Fraud.

The basest fraud on earth is agricul-
ture; the deadliest igHiS Jdtuus that ever
glittered to beguile ana dazzled TO be-
tray is agriculture. / speak with feel
ing on this subject, for I've been gilt
tered aud beguiled and dazzled and de-
stroyed by this same arch deceiver. She
has made me a thousand promises and
broken every one OF them. She has
promised me Summer squashes, and the
worms have eaten them Winter
squashes, and the bugs have devoured
them. She has promised cherries, and
the curculio has stuug them, and they
contain living thing-, uucomely 10 the
eye aud unsavory TO the taste. She has
promised strawberries, aud the young
chickens have devOured them, and the
eve cannot see them. She has promised
tomatoes, and old hens have encOm-
passed them, and the hand cannot reach
them.
No wonder Cain killed his brother; he
was tiller Of the ground. The wonder
is that he didn't kill his father, aud
then weep because he hadn't "A grand
father TO KILL No doubt his early rose
potatoes, for which he paid Adam s. 90
barrel, had been cut down by bugs
from the headwaters OF the Euphrates
His Pennsylvania wheat had been Win
ter killed, aud wasn't worth cutting
His Norway oats had gone TO straw,
aud would not yield five pecks per acre;
aud black Spanish watermelOus had
been stolen by boys, who had pulled up
the vines, broken down his patent picket
I fence, and written scurrilous doggeTel
all over his back gate. No wonder he
/ felt mad when he saw Abel whistling
along with his fiue French merinOa
worth IS 90 a head, aud wool going up
every day; no wonder he wanted TO kill
/ somebody, and thought he'd practice on
Abel. And Noah's getting drunk was
was not at all surprising; he had become
husbandmau; he had thrown away
magnificent opportunities he might
have had monopoly Of any profession
or business. Had he studied medicine
there would not have been another doe
tor within "A thousand miles to call hin
quaek, and every family would hav,
bought a bottle of Noah's COMPOUND
Extract of Gopher Wood and Anti
Deluge Syrup. As a politician, b,
would have carried his own ward solid
and controlled twO-thirds OF the dele
: gates in every convention. AS a law
yer, he would have been retained il
every case tried in the Ararat quartz
sessions, or the Old Ark high court o
admiralty. But he threw away all thes
advantages aud took TO agriculture; 70
long time the ground was so wet tina
he could raise nothing but sweet fla
aud bulrushes, and these at last becam
drug in the market. What wOnde
that, when he did get half a peck q
grapes that were not stung to death b.
Japhets honey bees, he should hav
made wine and drowned his sor
rows in a flowing bowl.
The fact is, agriculture would demon
alize a saint. l was almost a saint whe
: went into il; am a demon now.
am at war with everything; | fight my
/ self out Of bed at four o'clock, when a
! my better nature tells me to be still Ii
seven; | fight myself in the garden t
work like brute, when reason and in
! stinct tells me to stay in the house an
enjoy myself like a man. / fight th
! pigs, the chickens, the moles, the bird
the bugs, the worms-everything /
which there is the breath Of life; / ligl
the docks, the burdOcks, the mulleini
the thistles, the grapes, the wee
the whole vegetable kingdom;
! fight the heat, the frost, the rain, Ga
7 hail-in short, fight the universe, an
t get whipped in every battle PyiHte
! Farmer.