Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-04-05
John Carter's Sin.

profession, and in heart too, but he had
been sorely tempted to a great sin; it
does not matter to US what it was. In
state of such dependency, such de-
spair of life and happiness, such deep |
affection for others who suffered with |
him that he scarcely cared what he did
and forgot all things except the present
distress and the offered escape, he did
thing that he knew was wrong and
wicked thing that would have blast
ed his reputation and wrecked his char
acter in all mems eyes if it we're found
out But it was not found out +; it hung
about his neck like a secret milestone
after the distress that tempted him was
gone and the sin done with. There
were years when he could not pray or
read the Bible; when memory brought
up to him all the texts of condemnation
and none of the merciful words of Scrip
ture. He said to himself that he was
another Esau, and could find no place
of repentance. His voice was never
heard in prayer meeting; he avoided
the communion table-framing some ex
cuse of illness or making absence from
town necessary at those stated times
he could not pray by his dying father,
though the pale lips whispered a request
that he should do so. The bitterness
of death compassed him about, and
though he loved his father deeply he
was glad the good old man died before
he knew his sons iniquity.
Time after time the wish rose in his
heart that he could confess to man his
transgressions and be freed from the in
tolerable burden of this secret. but this
could not be done without bringing to
his family disgrace and grief he had
no right to involve them in. He had,
in the worlds phrase, harmed nobody
but himself by this transaction since he
had come out of it without exposure;
had been successful in covering up an
action in itself criminal, but harmful
most to himself.
The position was peculiar, and ex-
quisitely painful to man with ten
der conscience for to such sin is misery;
and yet they fall into it as easily as
worse men, as all history assures US.
But after time of heart broken agony
and hopeless penitence John Carter be-
gan to find out once again that God is
merciful; he ceased to look into his own
heart and fixed his eyes upon that Saw
iour who came to save from sin as we'll
as from SINS penalty. Humbly and
slowly, like punished child, he crept
back into new religious life; wound
ed, it is true, crippled to certain ex-
tent, but submissive, repentant. and
filled with charity for his fellows. He
knew that he could never recover his
| self-respect, never forget his fall, but he
accepted that as the result of transgres-
sion, and said like jeremiah;
Wherefore doth living man COM
PLAIN, man for the punishment of his
SINS"
All this was within himself; to his
family and his friends he was only a
little graver than usual, as many men
become grave with increasing years he
was now constant attendant at church,
gave freely to good objects, and seemed
to other men quiet, earnest, kind
, hearted man, implicitly to be trusted,
leaning rather to generosity than to JUS
tice.
What he endured in all this time was
E known only to himself and to God !; his
, conscience tormented him continually
, it was by constant recalling of the
promises to repentant sinners that he
endured life. No doubt he knew hun
dred who had sinned as deeply as he
had aud as successfully concealed their
sin, but he did not know that probably
IN all the hundred not one suffered such
, agonies of regret and repentance as he
did. To them the thing was over, done
r with their business was to see to this
days work or duty; they put the past
, decisively behind them, not because they
ought to but because they wanted to-
But to sensitive moral nature like his
this course was impossible; even though
he felt assured that for Christ's sake
him sin was forgiven above he could
f not forget its commission. Day after
day he retraced every step of his temp
tation, recalled the half-crazed state o.
mind in which he was for weeks; the
sin itself; the concealments he had re
' sorted TO, in themselves degrading; the
e terror of discovery the agonies of re
morse.
He grew morbid with this introspec
o ton; perpetually thinking of himself
life became bitter in all its usages. HI
e never went into society without think
b ing ''lf these people knew about me =
u He never received cold look but b,
felt that possibly the man who gave i
G had fathomed his secret and despisec
e him. Over and over he said to himself
= what if Sara knew it? 2" and his who'll