The Russellville Democrat., 1880-10-28
WAYS OF THE WORLD.

lOO,OoJ DdTTtlS4
 IF mans trousers bag at the knees, may he said to have an kneesy fit? DURING a lesson on the life of King David class of young girls was asked, Who killed the giantp whereupon one replied 'Jack."
 ARE you lost, my little fellow?" asked a gentleman of a four-year old one day in Rochester. 'No," he sobbed in reply, "b-but m-my mother is."
 NEW ORLEANS handled one-third of the entire cotton crop produced in the United States last year. New York re- ceived one-fifth of the crop.
 THE congregation of Rev. John Jasper. at Richmond, has grown so large that a division IS to be amicably made. Bro. Jasper is the reasoner who maintains that "the sun do move."
 THE supreme delight of the average horse-car conductor is to have some grandmother of Bridget stop his swift moving car going northwarCls, to inquire If 1t will take her to Boston Highlands.
 WHEN a young man cares more for base ball than for business he shows weakness in his upper story. The best thing his frier ds can do is to crack it open little and pour in a few grains of common sense.
 OUR Chinese population is gl leat on pigeons and chickens. But Hop Sing says some of the chickens {three years old) are ttoughee-toughee." But a weeks cooking generally reduces the age from three years to one
 rouRIsr-"I say, boy, what's the name lf l4af l. T n ! Tourist-tDon't know? W hat! lived here all your life and don't know the name of it?" Boy-''No; the hill was here afore com'd."-Loadoa Fon.
 SCENE, a court of law; trial for man. slaughter is going on; Pat in the witness box. Counsel for the prisoner-Did you see the prisoner at the bar knock down the deceased? Pat-No, your honor; he was alive when I see him knocked down.
 OUR Calcutta trade is not extensive at the present time. Steam explains the matter. Goods go to England by them, and come here the same. These are times when 120 days are not employed to do given thing when it can be done in 25 Not much.
 TIE meanest man has occurred again. He lives in Milford, N. J., and stole the collection which had been taken to pay the expense of a temperance orator, and set up the drinks for a big crowd at the | hotel with the money. There is origi- nality about such rascality as that.
 VERMONT lightning rod agents recite one of Joseph Cooks lectures to farm- CT, and then ask him if that isn't con- vincing argument in proof of the state- ment that he needs the rods. And the farmer always surrenders, if he can't get a chance to break for the woods-Baston | Post.
 | INSURANCE AGENT-"You ought to in- sure your life on account of your family" q know all about that. You go on pay | ing money to the company for 25 years, and then the company plays out" "Yes; but my dear SIT, you may have the luck to drop dead the very day you pay your first premium"
 AUSTRIAN grandees go to Aussee, where there are not only waters and baths, but physician who starves his patients. He gives them an ounce of bread and cup of broth in the morning and nothing else during the 24 hours. Plethora and rush of blood to the head are thereby cured in six weeks. A HUNGARIAN officer named Szerkr- | Inesky swam across the Platten sea. The distance was 20 English miles, and the time 17 hours. The swimmer did not suffer from exhaustion, and ire | quently conversed with the occupants oi boat which accompanied him. The only refreshment taken was a little wine.
 | TIE family of Franklin Kantner, liv- ing near Womelsdorf, Pa., were aroused from their slumbers by the screams of their four-months'-old child To their horror they found q rat biting the babe in the throat. The rat, hearing the ap- preaching footsteps, jumped from the cradle and escaped. The child died from convulsions and loss of blood.
 ARcHDEAcoN SINCLAIR tells of an eccen- tric Scotch nobleman of the beginning of this century, who, dining at house l where the dinner was extremely bad, | forgot that he was not at home, and greatly apologized to his fellow guests for the badness of the repast remarking that he supposed the cook was drunk again and that the scullion had dressed | the dinner
 A BAKER, whose loves had been grow ing "small by degress and beautifully less," when going his round to serve his customers, stopped at the door of one and knocked, when the lady within ex- claimed, Who's there?" and was an swered, i'rhe baker" What do you want2" "To leave your bread" "Well, you needn't make such fuss about 1t; put it through the keyhole," was her reply.
 A FoRTUNE-TELLER was arrested in Paris and carried before the tribunal oi correctional police. "You know how to read fortunes?" said a man ot great wit, but rather fond of q joke for magistrate. "l do, sir" said the sorcerer. Tn this case" said the President, "you know the | judgment we intend to pronounce?'' Certainly" "What will happen to vou?" Nothing" 'You are sure of that?" "Yes; you will acquit me" l" "Acquit you?" "rhere is no doubt about it." "Why?" Because, sir, if it had been your intention to condemn me, you would not have added irony to mis- fortune." The President, disconcerted, turned to his brother judges, and the sorcerer was discharged.
 A WOMAN in Basic, Switzerland, re- | gently lost her life by falling from a | tight rope stretched 65 feet in the air, and for some moments it seumed proba- ble that q man who was performing with | her would share her tate. She was pass ing over the rope on yelocipede, from which trapeze was suspended, on which | sf.s. Fl n