The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1880-06-12
HUMOROUS.


Philadelphta woman, rushing into the
house Qt neighbor, "your son has
gone off with party to fight duel u
"Gracious you don't tell me /" shrek
ed the mother, throwing her arms wild.
ly over head. "Has-ia-Oh, dear =
has he gcne-tell me quick i-bas he
gone as q second or Is he one Of the
Erincipalsr" "Why, he's the ohal-
lenged party, and he's one OF the prin-
clpals, Of course" 30, what shock
you gave me-" said the mother, becom-
ing calm IN an instant. "I feared he
mad goue as q second, and would be
brought homo badly wounded. If he
Is only principal, of Course he's safe
from all harm," and the sensible wo-
man dismissed The duel from her mind,
and entered into All animated CONVEX
sation anent the spring fashions.
JENNIE JUNE tells Of party Of four
ladies who last year undertook trip
! alone, visiting several countries Of
| Europe, and whose enjoyment was so
great at a moderate expense that sever
| nj other parties will 20 abroad this
year. 1t is all right for ladies to 20
skylarklng around alone, but some day
they Will see u monster snake nearly
foot long, or an awful grasshopper will
settle on one of their necks, and then
their enjoyment will not be so great,
and they Will wish they had taken a
man along to kill such beasts
JONES had engaged man to dig q
well at his suburban place. Seeing
him month later Jones asked how he
was getting along with his work, and
was told that the we'll was half done.
Judge therefore OF his surprise when,
week after this conversation, upon
visiting the premises, he found only a
circle marked In the earth. Or course
he hunted up the man, and of course
nc asked him what he meant by saying
tho we'll was half done. The man very
coolly replied: $50 1t is; we'll begun
is half done, you know"
"YEs," said Mrs Goodington, sadly,
che was indulging In sequestering ex-
erclse. His horse got frightened at
something or other, and recfprooated
him to the sidewalk. When they took
him up they found bad fractions In
his leg, and 1t had to be computed to
save his life." And the old lady didn't
say another word for at least fifteen
minutes. She was thinking, as she
attorward said, Of rhe dreadful sights
In the conflrmatory."
1T was at the Opera House. The per-
formance was about to begin, when one
of the two strangers looked all around
and said: "Bill, where ia the dress
circle p Bill glanced up toward the
third gallery and replied: 81 reckon
1t is up yonder; see follow taking
OF his coat"
THE comet discovered by the Ann
Arbor profes sor has a tail three min
utes long. An Insignificant affair. The
ten months long. A tail three minutes
long 10 hardly worth our attention, and
no doubt there are persons who will
second us in this view of the comet.
a LADY says that a woman, In chOOs-
Ing lover, considers good deal more
how the man will be regarded by other
women than whether she love him her.
self. Some women may; but the men
they smile upon will be regarded by
other women as jolly green to be taken
In by them.
PRoFfssoR: "The ascent Of Vesu-
vius Is extremely dangerous, and 1t Is
necessary to DO very careful. The
mules 60 up quite easily" Freshman
"Nhen you made the ascent, did you
60 up easily ?" Curtain. Freshman
very much interested in something
elsc.)
The man who will wait two hours
for his girl to friz her hair to 10 riding
with him, will swear awfullY If his
vie keeps him waiting 80 seconds to
fasten up stray braid with hair pin.
80 .Ir IT. Il 1
"What is this ''floating debt" that 1
hear spoken of so frequently ?" Neigh
Dor, looking greatly surprised Don't
you know It's easy enough to see.
1t Is the "marlne budget "
ONE reason, why Leadville has no
schools Is because all the school-ma' Jams
who 60 there find husbands between
the station and the hotels, and don't
care cent whether schools keeps or
not.
AN exchange Publishes column
article headed "Why Chinamen drink
tea" Without reading the article, we
guess that the solution is: Because
they like 1t.
AN enthusiastic letter writer says
that Senator Edmunds' face ''retlects
the sonbre landscape and the savage
grandeur Of the sea-" He must he q
| sort of ground swell.
A st. LOUIS rich man drew up will
| which was so pathetically worded that
1t moved all his relatives to tears. It
left all his property to an orphan
asylum.
| "MAMMA," asked a little girl, "why
Is 1t they sing In church "WeM dine
no more" and then 60 right home and
dinc?"
| .-.....S..s.......s..se
Two Organs.
| Regulate first the stomach second tho
liver; especially the frat, 80 as to per-
form their functions perfectly ,and you
Will remove at least nineteen-twenti icths
Of all the Ills that mankind Ia heir to,
In this or any other climate. Hop Bit
ters is tho only thing that will give
perfectly healthy natural action to these
two organs.--Maine Farmer