, 1880-08-30
Wit and HumOr.


words will ever pass between them.
"Sit down. said ervous old gen.
tlemen to his son, who was making too
much noise. Il won't do it," was the
imeudent answer. " Well, then, stand
up. 1 will be obeyed"
An Ichthyophagous Club has been
started in New York. 1t is calculated
to ruin the reputation of any husband
who goes home late at night and tries
to tell where he has been.
1t is shrewdly said that if the wom-
en- of the old time had been as careless
N the handling of china as these of the
present time are. there would have
been no old china to rave about now.
4 man may object to wearing button
hole bouquets, but it's astonishing with
what foriltude he goes through the Or
deal of having one pinaed on, if the
donor happens to be young and pretty
Elderly gentleman to freshman on
the train: You don't have any
ticket q "No; I travel on my good
looks "Then," after looking him
over. probably you aren't goin' very
far"
The busy bee is held up as an OK
ample of industry to boys, yet what a
terrible example he is. If boys were
like bees, you couldn't stick your nose
into q schoolroom without getting it
thumped.
The number of one-armed young
men seen driving out with young ladies
these summer evenings is truly appal-
ling. An old soldier at our elbow says
that one arm is invarlsbly lost during
an engagement.
a commercial editor, who was once a
small boy with mother who knew the
value of n slipper in case of emergency,
cannot to this day write about move
ment in leather without hitching un-
easily in his chair.
Master Jack How often are the
clothes washed, Emma?' Laundry
Maid" Once week, Master Jack
Master Jack" Only once a week!
Then the clothes are much luckier than
sis and me, if that's ell the washing
they get."- Fun.
It may be true that misfortune braces
a man up, but an even run of good
luck helps the spinal column about as
troit Free Press. And yet when Miss
Fortune embraces man he feels pretty
good New York Commercial Adver
tiser.
A Sacramento girl was guilty of a
mean trick. She eloped with her cb-
jectionable lover the same day her
mother was enamelled; and as the lat
ter was compelled to remain shut up
three days, or else crack all over, the
couple managed to get away without
pursuit.
A New York man was challenged to
fight duel the other day, and being at
liberty to choose his own weapons pro-
posed a trip to Boston on a Sound
steamer. The challenger backed out
He said the idea that death must attend
duel was relic of the dark ages
Eorristown Herald.
An Owego man, after a little expert
ence, truthfully and Indignantly as
serts that no woman, however nervous,
has right to wake up her husband
from a sound sleep to tell him on in
quiring what's the matter, Nothing,
only l wanted to know If you were
awake. - Owego Record.
A female applicant for aid appeared
at the office of the Director of the Poor,
in Detroit, not long ago, with sad and
anxious look, and on being asked what
she wanted, replied, "Td like some
money!" "How much?' "Well, I
can't say exactly. How much do you
generally give out to person who
wants to buy bead belt 2"
4 lady recently called at the house
Of friend, and there met gentleman
who was introduced to her as " new
boarder." After he had left the room
she said to her friend, why do you
have that creature around? He doesn't
correspond with the rest of your furni-
ture" Imagine her surprise when she
was informed that he was her friend 8
new husband
Two young men in light plaid clothes
were riding down town on the Metro
politan "L road, reading their papers,
when one of them saw an item about a
robbery in clearinghouse, in which
it was said that the perpetrators Of the
crime took the jewelry of the landlady
and of the three boarders. 1t is fun
ny, Billy" said the reader. ' that they
always get away with the iewelry IN "A
clearinghouse. They never steal any
thing to eat"
london Punch gives bit of oonver-
sation of two rivals in social success.
Mr.. and Mrs. Jones, new beauty, and
Mr.. and Mrs. Robinson, a still newer
beauty, meet on the staircase of ducal
mansion, the Duchess being :" at home. u
Mrs. Jones, with more surprise than
pleasure: well, l never! MIR. and
Mrs. Robins IN. of ali DeoDle! And how