The Carbon advocate. [volume] (Lehighton, Pa.) 1872-1924, 1880-07-10
sDITOR nAssHuGr,s ASSISTANT.

per called the Union, up in Chodunk. Re
Gently the colonel was called away TO New
York on business, leaving the Union in the
hands Of an assistant who had been In bis
employ some little time.
Now the colonel knew that said assistant
had the cheek Of brass statte, nd the att
dacity Of a New England fyj both indie'
petisable attributes of the newspaper mani
bit still, after being in thecity abOut week.
he began to grow unensyj and telegrsphed
TO Chodunk:--
"How's lhihgs ~
Back came the answer from tho Whiiotfi
editor:--
"BullyI Circulation Of the old things
gone up a thousand. Been getting up a reds
hot paper, and there's gang outside that
are weeping because they can't hoist the
shingles off the roof and knock the whole
concern to thunder. Stay away as long as
you like;"
! Bagshot didn't waste moment after re-
ceiving shis encouraging dispatch.
He started home in the first train, and
reached Chodunk before night.
| The first man that struck him was the
ticket agent!
"Look here, colonel I" he cried exctedly,
"I've darned good notion to punch your
head you brazen -faced old liar"
"Why2" asked Bagshot.
"Read that" and the ticket agent showed
a crumpled Union into his hand.
There was a parasraphj marked, as fol-
lows:
Railroad News. The bandy-leggel
idiot who robs the railroad company at this
village has purchased new pocket knife.
More knocking down from the cash drawer.
BagsbOt bit his lipi
"Billj' said he, "that's q calumny, and
I'll see it righted in our next. It's my
cussed assistants work"
al don't care whose work It is," growle.l
the agent, "but if it amt contradicted somc-
body's got 20 die; that's ALL"
Bagshot didn't reply, but sailed down the
street to the Union office.
He had not gone half bloek before he
collided with Deacon Marsh.
The deacon seized him by tho shoulder
and exclaimed:-
"What do you mean, Bagshot, by insert.
ing that scandalously untrue item about
me?"
Didn't insert any item" replied the
colonel.
"Don't sneak out of it in that way" You
know you did. Why just cut it out of the
Union-lsten;-
Religious Intelligence whited
sepulchre, Deacon Marsh, was noticed, last
Saturday night, trying TO open the coal hols
in front of his residence with his night KEY.
The deacon was full as goat, and couldn't
tell moonshine from green cheese"
"Now that's nice, amt it, saying that I
was intoxicated Saturday night, when was
in bed at seven with a raging toothache?"
"It's that reckless fool whom / left in
charge" groaned the colonel. "Ill make it
all right Marsh," and Bagshot scurried OH
again, only to be confronted by Major Blim!
"Colonel!" uttered Blim, in his deepest
voice, "this is villianousl Itsiny intention
sir, to call you and shoot you through the
= heart. What the deuce do you mean by
publishing this note in the Union-
Military Jottings.-Major Blim, the tat
tered old beggar, who hid in an oyster bar
rel during th battle Of Bull Run wears
whig He ought to be shot in the back with
a baked apple.
81 can't help it, Blimj" said Bagshot,wip-
ing his forehead, ''its all owing to that
young devil in the office. He has made
red hot paper. Just wait, major, and III
fix things"
Then Bagshot started again: By the post
office old Parker grabbed him.
"oh, you unieeling ghoul!" walled Park
er, ''you ought to be rode on rail. Tbs
idea of making fun of my poor dead child"
, "How2"
"Iow2 Have you the cheek 10 ask howl
Maybe you didn't shove this in the Union;
did you, you beartless hyPocrite;-
OBITUARY.
Little Bennie Parker
Had stomach pains
Rheubarb and ipecac
Both were in YalDj
He kicked the golden bucket,
His parents hearts are sore;
They'll bury him tomorrow,
At q quarter Of four
of course Bagshot had sto EXPLAIN aud
promised the bereaved father two columu
notice ofthe dead Bennie's many virtues.
Hardly had he done so before young
t Cooley appeared.
Colonel Bsgshot," he announced, "you
are lying scoundrel. This is a nice thing
to put in your blackguard of paper abous
| young LADY,"
Society Items.-Miss Cooley, the old has
on South street, waltzes around in patehs
hustle in the hope Of catching fellow. Bug
p she can't; not even if she lays the paint vi
twice as thick as she does now"
But Bagshot didn't stop to hear 1t.
r lie few scross the square and into tile
Union office like flash.
No one was there. That able assistant
editor, warned by friends unknown, had
busted f5reSer. Lying on the desk was :.
Union folded so that this notice caught Bas-
shots eye;
Literary Mems This bald headed snipe
. who pretends to run this paper has gone u
= New York. We expect 10 hear every mo
ment OF his sentence 10 Sing Sing for arson
a aud highway robbery. The citizens Of Cho-
A dunk should congratulate themselves il the
: colonel does not disgrace his village by be-
d ing hung for infanticde"
s Bagshot never intends TO employ another
assistant editor, and journalists in search Of
a situation, will find it healthy to keep away
from him.. Z. Ten Eyck, in WaUerly
= Magazine.
An Oregon woman threatened TO cut her
= husbands nose off, and he overheard the