davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09

When man gets tight, the devil gener-
ally gets loose.
The man who was hemmed in by
crowd has been troubled with a stitch in
his side ever since
An old bachelor being asked if ever he
had witnessed an execution, replied: "No,
but once saw marriage
Jones says he used to have red cheeks,
but had a bad cold some years ago, when
he blew all the color into his nose. We
have heard of Jones' blow-outs before.
A couple of reporters spent the night
in cell with man who was doomed to
be hanged in Connecticut recently, and in
the morning the prisoner was willing to
die.
A man who committed suicide wrote
letter to his wife: s'I am going to a
country where red-headed women are
never seen." She was so mad she would
not attend the funeral.
young scientist wants to know what
age fly attains to. We have seen sew
eral reach the mucilage, but they stuck
right there. So we think they never grow
any older.-BOStOn Post.
sin choosing wife," says the Phreno-
logical Journal, 'be governed by her
chin" The worst of it is, that after hay-
ing chosen wife, one is apt to keep on
being governed the same way.
81 say, ma," exclaimed a little mink
edo you know what the pyrotechnical re-
medy is for crying infant?" ''Good-
ness gracious me, no! / never heard of
such thing" "Well, ma, it's a rocket. %
Pennsylvania clergyman seeing a
young man standing in the doorway of
the church and looking hesitatingly about,
paused in the midst of the sermon and
exclaimed: $50 out young mani She is
not here!''
Here is the way Vallejo girl puts up
her back hair: sri tum de iddle, de iddle
de lay; where is a hair pinny de liddle de
lay; oh, amt killing rum tiddy te fiddle
de lay; and I'm going to the picknicky
er rickety te lay
Sunday school scholar (to the teacher)
-'Did you say that the hairs on my head
were all numbered?" Teacher-''Yes,
my dear" Sunday school scholar
''Well, then quilting out hair and pre-
senting it) what's the number of that
one?"
You may say what you please about it,
but there is luck in horse-shoes. A wo.
man nailed one up against woodshed a
month ago, and last week her husband
eloped with the hired girl. The man had
not earned a cent for more than two
years.
Said Angelina, suddenly breaking the
oppressive silence "Don't you feel afraid
OF the army worms, Theodore, that are
coming so rapidly this way?" The ques-
ton was such strange one that Theo.
dore's surprise caused him to look right
at Angelina for the first time in his life.
'Why did she ask that;' he wanted to
know. so, nothing" she replied, as she
i toyed with her fan; "only the papers say
they eat every green thing wherever they
60"
"Well, Father Brown, how did you like
my sermon?" asked a young preacher
''Ye see, parson," was the reply, 'T hav.
en't fair chance at them sermons OF
yours. I'm a pretty old man now and
have to set pretty well back by the stove
and there's old Miss Smithie, Widdel
Taft N Rylan's darters n Nabby Brit Il
all the rest setting in front of me with
their mouths wide open swallerin' down
all the best of the sermon, N what gets
down to me is putty poor stuff, parson,
| putty poor stuff"
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09

"Wakin' out de odder mornin' to
commune wild the openin' day." said
Brother Gardner, as the hall grew quiet,
81 wandered up past de ole man Links.
He was asleep, wild his feet outer
winder, and his wife was stealin' pick
cts off a naybor's fence to light a fire
wild. De hoe. axe, mop and shovel war
lynn aroun' de yard de gate was oft
its hinges. de dog chawin' up whole
pillow-case on de stoop, an de general
scene was one of desolashun. Fifty
men in dis ball knowed dat ole man
when he was Wort ten fousan' dollars,
on it wasn't so very many Vars ago.
either. What has brung de change?
| answer, foolin' wild white mans poly
ticks, holdin' down boxes on de co'ners,
an feelin' dat he was too good to wuk.
Ten y'ars ago de old man would not
have spoke to any of US. Now he am
one OBJ de poorest Guild men in de town.
Ten vars ago he stuck'd up his nose
when we went past wild our whitewash
brushes. To-day he will 60 hungry for
de want of days work. lie bin tel
lin ye desc fngs ober since dis club
started, an Ize gwine ter keep pound
in away as long as de club last. If
we git livin' We must work. If we
! get dollar ahead we must take keer of
it an keep right on workin'. We can't
| stick up our noses an puff out our
stomachs an sport gold-headed canes.
1t amt in US. De minnit we try it on
we'll make tracks for the little eand of
the hon. If any member of dis club
wants blue necktie dat's all right if
he can afford to have more dan free
white shirts dat's all right, but lee
tie 'stravagant; if cuff buttons help
him to get a job, then cuff buttons can
be worn. But, when it comes to tryin'
to dress like white man who airns
$50 per week, den it's all bosh, an |
feel it my dooty to wrastle wild sich a
pussun an try an pint out wherein he
am on de broad road to de asylum for
fools. We will now attack the usual
order of bizness.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09
A DECEIvING HAMMOCK.

s.I've been fool l'' growled Harper
as he united a parcel in his front yard
and shook out new hammock. "Here
I've been looping around all through
this internal hot spell when | might
just as we'll have been swinging in
hammock and had my blistered back
cooled off by the breezes."
Any one can put up hammock. All
you've got to do is to unite about 500
knots, unravel about 800 snarls, and
work over the thing until you can tell
whether the open side was meant to go
up or down. This puzzled Harper for
full 20 minutes, but he finally got it
right and fastened the ends to two con-
yenient trees.
Then he took off his hat and coat and
rolled in with great sigh of relief. No,
he didn't quite roll in. He was all
ready to when the hammock walked
away from him, and he rolled over on
the grass and came to a stop with a GRO
quet ball under the small of his back.
"Did you mean to do that ?" called a
boy who was looking over the fence and
slowly chewing away on green apples.
Ibid 1? Of course did Git down
off n that fence or I'll call policeman p
The boy slid down and Harper brought
up lawn chair for the next move. It's
the easiest thing in the world to drop
off chair into hammock. Lots Of
men would be willing to do it on salary
of $40 per week. The trouble with
Harper was that he didn't drop all his
body at once. The upper half got into
the hammock all right, but the lower
half kicked and thrashed around on the
grass until the small boy, who didn't
mean to leave the neighborhood until
the show was out. felt called upon to
exclaim:
"You can't turn handspring with
your head all wound up in that ere net,
and I'll bet money on it p
Harper suddenly rested from his la
bors to rise up and shake his fist at the
young villain, but that didn't help the
case bit. He hadn't got into the ham
mock yet. He carefully looked the case
over, and decided that he had his plans
too high. He therefore lowered the net
to within two feet of the ground, and ht
had it dead sure. He fell into it a.
plump as a bag of shot going down {
WE'LL He felt around to see if he was
all in, and then gave himself swing
No person can be happy in hammocl
unless the hammock has pendulum
motion. This hammock of Harper's wa
just getting the regular salt water swing
when the knots united and he cam,
down on the broad of his back with sucl
jar that the small boy felt called upoI
to observe:
"That amt no way to level lawn
you want to use regular roller !"
After the victim had recovered con
sciousness he crawled slowly out, gentl.
rubbed his back on an apple tree. an,
slowly disappeared around the corner Q
the house in search of some weapo
which would annihilate the hammock a
one sweep, and though the boy called t
him again and again, asking if mir
strel performance was to follow the reg
ular show, Mr.. Harper never turned hi
head nor made a sign.-Detroit Ere
Press.
|
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09
LEARN EVERY DAY.

Little rills make wider streamlets,
Streamlets swell the rivers flow;
Rivers join the mountain pillows,
Onward. onward as they 60.
Life is made Of smaller fragments,
Shade and sunshine, work and play;
SO may we with greater profit
Learn little every day.
Tiny seeds make boundless harvests,
Drops of rain compose the showers;
Seconds make the flying minutes.
And the minutes make the hours.
Let us hasten then and catch them
AS they pass US on the way;
And with honest, true endeavor,
Learn a lesson every day.
Let US read some striking passage.
Gull verse from every page;
Here line and there sentence,
'Gainst the lonely time Of age.
At our work or by the wayside,
While the sunshine's making hay;
Thus we may by help OF study
Learn little every day.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09
THE OLD WE'LL.

Under the shady apple trees,
Looking up to the sun and the breeze,
Walled about with its mossy bands,
The ancient well Of the homestead stands;
Its time-worn curb in the grass sunk deep,
High in the air its tall wellsweep,
Where the sailing swallows come and go,
Or sun themselves in a slanting row.
Feathery ferns wave over its edges,
Lichens cling to its stony ledges.
And all of the stars of the evening sky
In its silent darkness seem to lie.
Wayfaring men with weary feet
Stop to drink of its waters sweet
To watch the bucket with crystal drip
Bring up Its comfort for eye and lip
And the laborers come when the sun is high,
With their dinner-pails, from the fields near by
And. resting there. will sometimes tell
OfMichae Griswold who dug the well.
o grandsire mine, you did not know,
When you dug the well SO long ago
When you gathered the stones and piled in heap
And laid the foundation strong and Deep;
When you yoked your oxen at break of day,
And into the forest plodded away, lsleep
Where you wakened the young birds out Of theil
AS you felled tree for the long well-sweep-
Little you knew when you reared it high.
With its chain and bucket to swing thereby,
And the post in the ground did firmly At,
What an excellent job you made oft.
You did not know that the wells smooth face
Would bear the pictures of all your race;
That long after you had passed away,
Your chIldren's children would round it play.
When was a child used to see
Pleasant faces looking with me;
Father and mother-kith and kin
shadowed its quiet depths within.
Now when l lean and look, ah me!
What is the picture that see?
weary face, some tresses gray
And the tranquil heavens-far away.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09
PLOW POINTS.

We own the right TO manufacture the "Smith
Patent Plow Point They cast steel tips or points,
md can be sharpened and hardened by any blacksmith
We furnish the point for any kind OF land plow point
hat we have patterns for. Names and numbers OF
blow points always on hand.
LAND PLOWS.-Wooley, l, l 1-2, 2; Morrill, Wool
y, l, 2P. and road plow; Barnet l, g. 81 Vermonter,
Q, 3; Planters Friend 2l; Bristol q 2I.e56s 8:
3uzzell, 2B. O.; Double board point Il Clipper l. p;
Eagle, p 90; Doe, +; Concord IN. H., 2, g. 4; j.
Nourse, /, "a; John Rich and others.
SIDEHlLL.-Holbrook FH5A, FH2A, FH2, 3, A. 8,
B, Z sanborn, /, 2 Charter Oak, l50, 100, l70 Buz-
sell, l,2; Patrick, 2; Rich q Murkland l.; Wooley,
Binesburgh, Strickland;2 2; Bradford, Gold Digger,
Q: Eureka, o; (MOrrisvle) and Eureka, A. 5; (Tun-
pridge) Lufkn, 81 ]. Nourse. SO, BIZ Centennial, ;
Bpringneld, Z; Hakes. 26; Lebanon, /; b. B. Hawes
Ind otheTs-am constantly adding new patterns
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09
CHURNS.

We make the very best churn for large daires that
made In the United States. They are the Improved
BOX Churu. We make them In sizes TO suit and prices
re all the way from SO to $50. SO one will churn
rom to 80 pounds Sl2 one from to 60 pounds
ther sizes IN proportion. All can be run by power.
We also sell Barrel Churns.
HORSE POWERS to run churns from Sl2 upwards
ron work for platform round table horse powers
Is the best and cheapest for a cheap power Porta-
lie Cider Presses and Grinders Blacksmith Tire Bend
RS Tuyere Irons, Clothes Reels ito be used out of
oOrs) Clothes Dryers (Or ndOors) Box Stoves No 90
4 nd 80, Post Drivers French Roll Pans Baking Pans
tove Backs, Harrow Teeth, Cresting and Iron Fence
Work, Wagon Jacks, Sled Shoes, Sugar Arch Doors,
irates, Pan Rests, Heater Frames, Cast Iron Sugar
Arches-l6 different sizes-all the way from a small
ugarngof stove to the very largest evaporator send
nd get circulars), Window Weights, Buzz Planers,
adjustable Saw Benches, jacquard Machinery Looms.
Piano Card Cutters, Gear Cutting Gearing and Pulleys
Hand and Power Elevators, Portable Forges Iron
hastings Generally.
Machinery Of all kinds made to order Machinery
Iepalring promptly done. Agent for the American
Band Saws, will not crack in running Please give me
call ifyou want anything in my line. Yours,
John w. Murkland.
D1r.ko-~ VA
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09

hev some assurances to justify US in
backin this hoss,'' and he flung onto
his back an enormous sack labelled
"Loosiana administration and jumped
on hlsself to keep it in place.
.Jest mint, sed the Pennsylvany
Dimekrat, "He must carry this, and he
heve on package labelled protective
tariff, . and he climbed on.
"He kin never run without this"
said Moo Yorker, and he histed up
very heavy sack labelled ''free trade.
Another Moo Yorker and Massey
choosits man, climbed up, each with a
very heavy package Nv honest money, and
Injeany man climbed on with an i'm
mense bundle of fat money. This he'd
no weight, but it took great deal of
room, and them which kerried it made
great deal of noise.
Jist afore the start a gang Nv ku-klux
from Mississippy climbed on, and. de-
spite Wade Hampton's entreaties, a
South Kerliny rifle club scrambled up,
and, ez eff that wuzn't enuff, John Kelly
with the entire Tammany society, delib-
ritly took seats on his back.
Then came gang loaded with
Estates Rites and Catholic Bishop
or two sided into seats jists where they
could hold the reins, and ten or dozen
Confedrit Brigadiers, wich woodent take
their uniforms off. climbed up, and a
full five hundred Southerners with de-
mands for appropriashuns hung on his
tale.
Senator Wallace demonstrated, but il
wuzn't no yoose. Every man Nv em re-
markt that eff the hoss coodent kerry him
wat kind Nv a hoss wuz it anyhow, and
they all yelled "start him ?''
The word wuz given, the poor broot
made convulsive stagger and immejit-
ly went down under the load that wu7
put upon him. He recovered and man
aged to keep on his feet till he struck
the fust quarter post, Ohio, when his
strength give out and down he wen
rollin over his miscellaneous load with
great effect. The other walked ovel
the track and came in a easy winner
"How could any horse run, so weight
ed. yelled Wallace, in rage. 81
wood hev borne down Ginral Washing
ton, let alone sich a ginral as Hancock
It's no yoose. The boss wuz good enut
but great Caesar what load he he'd t
carry?"
While the crowd wuz strugglin t
git out from under the eggsaustid charg
er, l awoke.
Is this dreem troo? Is Hancock t.
be loaded with all these weights afort
he starts ? Is ther no way Nv keepi
out Nv site what we don't want to b
seen till after the eleckshun ?
fear not We are neither ez wis
ez serpints or harmless ez doves. It
providence agin US. We never Vi
he'd show for success that we did &c
, immejitly fool it away. The radikel
are forchunit in our stoopidity. The
hev lived onto it for ten years. Ef "
only he'd the sense to run Hancock o
his style and military record and sa
nothing about anything else, or eff "
Good keep our votin element out NV sit
till eleckshun day, we mite go through
But ez it is, we are hopelisly gone u
My hart is sad
PETROLEUM Y. NAsBY,
(despondent
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09

Paint pitch or tar can be removed
from cloth or wood by rubbing it with
turpentine. If tie paint has become dry,
put few drops of turpentine on the
spot, and let it stand; if all the spot is
not removed, repeat the work. When
entirely gone, rub off with alcohol.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09

A huckster who attended church near
Aberdeen, the other Sunday, fell asleep
during the service, He had not been
long in that condition before he drifted
into the land of dreams, and imagining
that he was plying his daily vocation,
astopished the congregation by shouting.
"Rhubarb, rhubarb. rhubarb'
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09
John w. Murkland.
Barton, vt.
SPECIAL NOTICE.

Now is your time to buy CULTIvAToRs and
pHURNs. We make and sell the best made-most
ubs,antlal-and we think the best ohurn in the
United States. It's the Improved Box-no leaking
no packing with cloths-no putting down-butter
NJ comes even-ali clean and neat. Put together
With boltS-iron frames-wlll last 80 years. SOLD
pN TRIAL-yOu will perceive there can not be any
Pumbug about them. II you want churn, please
Try one and oblige,
JOHN w. MURKLAND,
NIachinist and Founder,
Barton, VT.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09

Here is a j fair hit at the singers.
mamma" asked little girl, "Why is
it they sing lin church, We're going
home to dine no more, and go right
home and dine 2"
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09

officer or friend is it not so, Moll %
and he pulled his chere ana by tho ear.
ia, general how can you act so,
she replied, in a manner where bashful-
ness struggled with impudence.
"Excuse me, general" I answered
decidedly. 81 must return Immediate
ly to headquarters. Shall l bear
written or a verbal answer back %
"Really, sir, [ like your promptness,
and will not urge you to partake Of my
humble cheer. Say to the general-in-
chief I shall be with him tomorrow
night. at the longest.
"Can see you a moment alone, gen
eral ?"
"Certainly. Spare me, Moll, for a
minute y and he followed me into the
Ntry.
"Do you know that large horse pa
troll of the enemy are out in search of
you, and may be now but few miles
off ?"
"Nonsensel My intelligence of the
movements of the British troops is bet
ter than yours"
81 tell you the truth, sir.
"Bah Give the commander-in-chiei
my reply. Goodnight
put my little command in motion,
and reached the main army next day
about noon
That very morning Colonel Harcourt
with his body of four hundred cavalry,
cut off all communication between Lee
and his troops, then encamped three
miles off. Lee was captured in his bed
and carried to New York, being allow.
ed barely time to dress himself. Delilat
had overcome Samson.
The cause of his capture was vel
known in the army at the time; bu
Washington, to save Lees reputation
hushed the matter, and now record il
as one of the secrets of imprinted his
tory.-Selected.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09
WE DO NOT CLAIM

that HOOPS SARsAPARILLA will cure every
thing, but the fact that on the purity and
vitality OF the blood depend the vigor and
health Of the whole system, and that disease
OF various kinds is often only the sign that
nature is trying to remove the disturbing
cause, we are naturally led to the conclusion
that remedy that gives life and vigor to
the blood, eradicates scrofula and other Inn
purities from it, as HOOPS SARsAPARILLA
undoubtedly does, must be the means ofpre-
venting many diseases that would occur
without its use; hence the field Of its useful
ness is quite an extended one, and we are
warranted in recommending 1t for all de,
rangements Of the system which are caused
by an unnatural state of the blood.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09
PATENTS.

J. William Mister. Solicitor OF Patents el7 Seventh
st., or Box 229. Washington, d. G. No fee required
inless Patent s obtained. Send for circular Giving
Terms. &C. Established 1870.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09
DrIeaus County 9lunitpr,
PUBLISHED WEEKLY
GEO H. BLAKE,
BARTON. VT.

TERMs-Strietiy IN Advance, $l.50 per annum. II
pot paid in advance s.. 90 year. Subscribers living
outside Of Orleans County must remit 10 cents extra
|or postage. For convenience In remitting. will
give credit for year and four months for 50 co. TO
ubscribers In the county and year and three for
1900 to subscribers without the county, when sent
trictiy IN advance.
RATES OF ADvBRrIINo made known on application.
Remit by p o. Money Order, Registered Letter, or
Draft. Watch the label on your paper and notice
when your subscription expires. and see that your
payments are kept in advance. When money is sent
pa shall give you the credit the label at once
pc by postal card
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09
Why Suffer with SaH-Rheum 2

MEssRs. G. I. HOOP & Co., Lowell, Mass.
Gentlemen-I was great sufferer from
Salt-Rheum on my limbs, for dozen years
previous to the summer of 1876, at which
time 1 was cured by Hoods Sarsaparilla.
The skin would become dry, chap, crack
open, bleed and itch intensely; sc. that l
could not help scratching. which OF course
made them worse. At the time ! COM
menced taking Hoods Sarsaparilla dn the
summer of 1870 they were so bad that they
discharged, and was obliged to keep them
bandaged with linen cloths. The skin was
drawn so tight by the heat of the disease
that If / stopped over they would crack open
and actually bring tears into my eyes. The
first bottle benefited me so much that / con-
tinued taking It till was cured used one
box OF Hoods Olive Ointment, to relieve the
itching. Hoping many others may learn the
value of Hoods Sarsaparilla and receive as
much benefit as have, am,
Very truly yours, -
No. 70 Broadway.
Lowell, Mass, Jan. 15, 1873.
Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1880-08-09
We wish to call your attention
to what we manufacture and
have for sale at the
Barton Foundry and Machine Shop.
PLOWS.

We make the famous wooley Plow Is sizes). The
No. is his famous premium pow and all sizes are
ust he made them, and all work well and better
han when made by Mr.. Wooley, for the reason they
.re all ground smooth before leaving the shop. We
lso make slde-hl pows, and are satisfied that we
AN and will give you better pillow for your money
han can be bought elsewhere in Vermont. We have
ln hand few secnnd hand nlnMs of other make.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-10-04
WALL Street rTn~ssny

NEW YORK. Oct 4.-The Posts financial artt-
Gle say s:-The week opened at the stock ex-
change on "blooming'' market for speculatlve
stocks ard steady TO strong market for bond
Investments. L. s. bonds are Is higher for d s.
p lower for the As, and otherwise unchanged
= he opening prices for stocks were isa,7s above
Tie advanced prices at the close on Saturday
IheIe was In the first hour a further advance O.
As33s per cent, the latter, Metropolitan Eleva
Nn. Manhattan advanced ~ per cent, Louis
omaha Ia for common and preferred, Mi.
Waukee and st: Paul l, Burlington and Quincy
II per cent, Kansas and Texas IL, WABASH
Following this advance there was a decline of
per cent In Burlington and Quincy, and JEasI In
tne n ma1nder OF the list AS we write the mar.
kei Is stTnDg, and some stocks are selling at the
highest figures OF the day. Railroad bonds are
song ana higher, the principal business being
In lhe Erie issues and those OF the SOUTHWESTERN
tiuoa thacSos, Money on call is 2as per cent, on
une Say per cent, and on prime mercantile
paper 41.a5H per cent.