The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1880-10-14
WIT AND HUMOR.

The undertaken is eager to let a maj
down just as soon as the doctor give:
him up. Hs $50
1t is all we'll enough to say ."Take
things as they come" but suppose they
don't come?
The world owes no man n living, but
it gives him good breakfast just be-
fore he is hanged.
When two funerals meet at the Gem.
etery, it is embarrassing to have ono
undertaken call to the other, "How's
business?"
An ordinary woman's waist is thirty
inches around. An ordinary mans
arm is thirty inches long. How admi-
rable are thy works, o, Nature.
What the world is in need of is few
er mesl of an inquisitive turn of mind
men who are contented with looking
at buzz-saw without q desire to feel
it with their fingers.
'Who do you lovc?" said Jones to
his sweetheart's baby-sister. 81 loves
co." was the reply. "And who does
Sissy love-" ''Sissy loves Mister Smif
toss he tisses 'cr." Eceu,et On,nes.
That was an observing fellow, if he
pa, l wish you'd quarantine against
Tom Jones coming here every night
to sec Jennie. It's got to be too epi-
de,nic.''
There are many hard tasks set for
women i'll this world, but few which
they find it impossible to PERFORM
Still there never was n woman who
could keep fur-lined circular from
flying open and showing the fur.
An Irish gcntlcman once remarked
in the House of Commons that the
French were the most restless nation
in the universe -addin" very pointed
ly, "Thcy will never be ut peace till
they are engaged in another war;"
"a drunken Scotch parishioncr was
admonislicd by his parson. Il can 90
into the village" continued the latter,
''and come home again without get
ting drunk" "Ah, mcnec cSlrr, but I'm
sac popular!" was the fiddlcl Scotch
mans apo!ogetic reply.
at is a standing rule of our church,"
said ono clergyman to another, flor
the sexton to wake up any man he
may see asleep II Think returned
the other, "tllat it wouhl be much bet
ter for the sexton when u man goes TO
sleep under your preaching, to wake
you upH' Z ~ u it
A capital anecdote is told of little
fellow who in turning over the leaves
of n scrap-book came across the we'll
known picture of some chickens just
out of their shell. "My companion
examined the picture carefully, and
then with a grave, sagaciOus look at
me slowly remarked. They came out
'cos they was afraid of being boiled.'"
When the shrewd small boy who is
left alone in the house during the evc-
ming makes = mess of his raid Oh the
pie-closct that is bound to be noticed
when his parents return, he hics him
to his room, puts a pillow in his bed
to represent himself, cXtinguishes the
gas and gets under the bed. And
when the old man comes up stairs, mad
der than a wet cat, and without stop.
ping to light the gas, fathers that pill
low with Il trunk strap, the boy yells
as though he was getting it, and the
old man goes Off satisfied. That's the
sort of boy who will grow up TO run
ward cauctIscs and be a senator. ai
This is how an authOress says it
feels. Take man and pin three or
four large table-cloths about him, fast
ened back with elastic and loOped up
with ribbons: drag all his own hair to
the middle of his head and tic it tight,
and hairpin on about five pounds OF
other hair and a big bow of ribbon
Keep the front locks OH pins all night,
and let them tickle his eyes all day;
pinch his waist into a corset, and give
him gloves size too small and shoes
the same, and a hat that will not stay
on without a torturing elastic, and q
frill to tickle his chin, and little lace
veil to blind his eyes whenever he
goes out to walk, and he will know
what wOmau's dress is