Morning journal and courier., 1880-06-26
9 HEAT WAVES.
He blowed into the old shot gun With derision in his laugh His obituary was lovely thing {; It cost S2. 50,

'FWhere do paragrapers go when they die?" asks the Houston News, and the Phila- delphia Chronicle Herald replies 'sIf it isn't from the humorous to the grave we give it up.''
 Sooner or later," says French writer, 'everthing is found out" Just so. A mar
 ried man, for instance, is generally found out
 later-about three hours later-than he should be.
 Propriety: Light-minded young thing ''Surely, Aunt Margaret, you re not going to wear your spectacles in the water ?'' Aunt Minded am. Nothing shall induce me to take off another thing '-Harvard Lam poon.
 Grandfather s'You are stupid, Charlie i; the dullest boy I ever saw" Charlie: ''You must not expect me to understand things as quickly as you do, grandfather, because you don't have the trouble to get 'em through your hair."
 A Philadelphia lady who never spanked her boy hard enough to hurt him recently hung in her sitting room the illuminated motto i: ssWhatsoever thy hand fndeth to do, do it with thy might" That boy reformed on the spot.
 srd have you to know" exclaimed Mrs. Uppakrust, haughtily tossing her head, ''that my family always moved in the upper cir cIes" 'sYes'' whispered Mrs. Blunt to her friend Sarah Jones, 'I've hearn tell that the scum allus rises to the top."-Boston Tran script.
 Professor oe Greek, who is out riding with his wife, notices that the horse is thirsty and drives into a stream by the roadside Pro- lessor remarks that there is evidently some
 weighty obstrue ton which prevents the horse from getting his head down to drink, and
 says that he will make observations with
 view of detecting the difficulty. Suddenly
 he exclaims 'tAh I perceive" and pro-
 ceeds to unbuck the crupper.-New York
 Observer.
 Understanding the Notes-It is said that when Dr. Thomas Scott, the commentator, published an edition of the ''Pilgrim's Pro- gress, ? with explanatory notes appended, he presented copy to pious and worthy cou-
 pie in his parish, whose whole stock of liter ature was such as they had acquired from the perusal of the Bible. On calling upon them they liked the book. Their reply was that they were delighted with it, and understood it all perfectly except the Notes.
 TSong of Admiral James A. Garfield, D. H. c. Ozark Horse Chicago), First Lord of the Ohio Canal Navee
 When was a lad worked with tools
 At carpenters tt bench and @ rode towpath mules When went to the Hiram Institute.
 And worked and studied carefullee, That now Pm the Republican nominee
 At Williams College studied O nights, And also preached to the Campbellites;
 Then went back and bossed the same institute And taught the young Ohio idea how to shoot That idea shot so well for me
 That now I'm running for the Presidencee.
 Soon was elected State Senator,
 And sat till freedom called for war,
 Then down in Kentucky I was sent
 As colonel of the Forty-second regiment. chased the Johnnies around so free
 That major general came to be. While thus causing the rebs to roam, They nominated me for Congress at home; And the only time that ever ran In the when running for a Congressman And statesmanship suited me That nov am 8 candidate for the Presidencee In Congress for eighteen years I've been, And am not rich for my hands are clean was chosen to the Senate to succeed Pap Thurman And went to Chicago to nominate sherman But Sherman and Blaine, to beat U. s. G., Pooled their issues and nominated me- Now small boys all, whoeer you may be- If you wish to climb to the top of the tree, If you've nothing else to do than to drive packet
 mule, Be careful to be guided by this golden rule: Do your best at that, and whatever else you see; And you all may be nominated for the Presidencee.
 AN zx-CoEEEpERATE COLONEL.