The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1880-03-25
HUMOROUS.

OOOuS All OoAu-Acsa@icu 1ucu-NO n0lI.
Faber should have been Pencilvan-
ian.
Be not simply good; be good for some
thing.
A cuff on the wrist is worth two on the
ear.
Fishing is one thing, catching fish an
other.
Should a shoemaker understand the
solar system2
All women consult their mirrors; very
few listen to them.
An honest reputation is within the
reach of every one.
The postage stamp knows Its place af.
ter it has been licked.
Everybody gives advice; few take it,
and none act upon it.
The rock on which families are estab-
lished is rock the cradle.
Women's jnhumanity to man IS what
keeps the broom market steady.
The wretch who stole q pineapple and
bunch of bananas got his desert.
A classic invalid, upon being asked it
he were ill, replied, "Sic sum-
Notwithstanding the abolition of the
duty on quinine it goes down hard.
What would prevent old maids from
despairing2 Echo answers
A neighbor had so natural picture of
hen that it laid in his drawer for a week.
Funny when coal Is purchased. instead
OF going to the buyer it goes to the cellar.
Listening to the voices of nature, one
may note that the green corn is little
husky.
A dog frequently worries a cat; but
man who IS nobler than the dog worries
himself.
Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow
candles2 Because when exposed to fire
they run.
When does an artist appear most thor
oughly miserable? When he draws long
face.
BY taking revenge man is but even
with his enemy; but by passing it over
he IS superior.
The editor may consider himself safe
| for the Good Book says the writeous arc
never forsaken.
1t takes strong herculean intellect to
use the editorial scissors and paste pot
with discretion.
What is that which you and every liv.
ing person has seen, but can never sec
again. Yesterday.
When the time arrives for a baby to
commence eating bread, you should
break it to him gently.
''The deeds that men do live after them, y
while their "duds'' are divided among
the afflicted relatives.
If every person would be half as good
as he expects his ncighbors to be, what a
heaven this world would be.
A farmer being killed by his hired
dict, "Death by his own hand"
A London missionary lately offered a
tract to an English lady, which she de-
cllned, saying, II am already saved"
A man had been married twice to Ia
dies by the name of Catherine, advised
his friends against duplicates.
Few men consult their tailors nova
days. They are afraid OF their bills; and
those who do consult, do not seem to no.
tlce their duns.
An ingenious quack is trying to prove
that Absolom must have used some of
his restoratives, else he could not have
had such long hair.
When an honest hen is laying the
foundation tor family, and doing all
the hard work, some absurd rooster is
ready to do the Growing.
Al once had dog who could tell
a rascal from an honest man." B-"Well.
what became of him?" Al had to
give him away; he bit me-"
That father understands human nature
when he said: "It you want your bow
TO stay at home, don't bear TOO hard on
the grlnd-stone when he turns the
crank
'Any burglars in this town?'' travel
er asked villager in western Tennessee.
"Well, no,-not now, stranger. Thew
was couple of 'em here last spring: but
one night they broke into the editors
house, and starved to death before thew
could get out.
The halo surrounding the wedding day,
like rosy shutdown, often betokens a
stormy future. Let not your hearts be
troubled, but don't mistake the Italian
! sunset on the bill-boards of matrimony
tor the real life that follows. And all the
slde-sllows cost extra, remember.
A gentleman travelling on train of
cars once said to the conductor: 'sSup-
pose the brakes give way, where would
We 60 to-" The conductor remarked It
was impossible for them to give wav.
But the gentleman again asked the
same question, when the conductor re-
piled: ut all depends upon your past
That postmasters are just too mean tor
anything is amply illustrated in the fol-
lowing: A young lady living in Geor-
| gia sent through the mails box oil
flowers to a gentleman in Washington
in the box she placed the simple and
suggestive words, "with love-" The post
master found the delicate legend, and
the young man had to pay letter post.
age on the package to the extent Of sixty
cents.
| 0S lAe StoTy SotS, derT JOacnlM ono
| day went to have his hair cut. His adj
mirers will remember that he wears one
long lock brushed over his head to cover
the thin part OF his crown, ''This,'' said
the hairdresser, emphatically, Unjust
come of. "No,' said Herr Joachim. ~
think not" "But I must cut a good
deal Off" persisted the man. "No; leave
it," replied the artist. ''But, sir" re-
joined the man, II must cut 1t off, or YOU
will look like a tiddler!' The best OF
the story is that the great violinist, hay.
ing saved his lock, went out and repeated
tho conversation.
Tho other day a tenant entered the
office of a Tipperar} land agent, and,
throwing a roll of notes on the table, ex.
claimed: "There's iv'ry penny have in
the world: It's half-years rint, and
ye may take it or lave it-av ye take it,
III go to the workhouse; av We lave it,
III 60 to America on it, The agent
opened the roll of notes and counted the
money. "Why, my good man, there is