Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1880-07-03
NASBY.
How the News Of Garfeld's Nomination
was Received at the Corners.
~ 1roIax 10 40

CoNFEpRIT X ROADS witch is in the
State NV Kentucky, june IA, lSS0.-The
nooze Nv the nomination Nv the liberty
crushin, freedom stranglin Garfield wuz
received at the Corners yesterday after
noon, with profound surpriZe. Net one NV
us he'd anticipated it. We he'd expected
it wood be either Grant, Blaine or Sher-
man, and | had spent two days in Loois-
vile gittin together the nessary aboose to
be yoosed in the Deestrik agin them three
men, but Gartield's nominashen makes
that labor all in vain. L can't beet Gar
field by sayin Grant wuz hoss-theef, or
that Sherman wuz a bank robber, and
Blaine ralerode rocker. l shell hev
to either wait till our committees git
up their SCANDALS on Garfield, or IN
vent some myself. | don't keer about
it here in Kentucky, Tor it wood do
Jest ez well to yooze the Grant matter for
Garfield, but when | 60 over into Injeany,
where some OF the Dimocracy, at leest,
kin reed, it wood be different. My pee
pie here are difficult to handle, tho not in
the same way. When Grants name was
fust perposed, spoke NV him ez bein con-
nectid with the whisky ring. Inimejitly
the Corners broke out ez one man in cheers
for him, and l had difficulty to keep EN-
from organizin a Grant club on the spot.
They admire man who KIN beet the Guv-
erment in whisky. Deekin Pogram said
NV General Grant, in Sunday-skool "He
who perdooses cheep whisky is greater
than he who conquereth Confederacy."
The old saint is, Nv late, droppin into
habit of mixin his scnpter Su5hin he
never does with his likker.
,ooza crr,11L hla Daa-
kin Pogram, after askin who Garfield wuz,
sighed, wat kin be expected OF Repub
lie where canal boat drivers and skool-
teachers aspire to high Offices? Whoever
the DimocrIsy nominated he wanted a gen
tleman, and drawn a still longer sigh and
remarl.in that the day for good old South
ern gentilty wuz gone and that the Gov
eminent he'd gone into the hands NV grow
elm mekanlks and skoolmastsrs, he asked
Bascom to give him credit for drinks al
around, witch Bascom promptly declined
TO do, and the Deeliin sot down dry-lipped
aud discontentld.
Issakar Gavitt wuz uv the opinion that
when party recklessly nominated so cor
rupt man as Barfeld Il immejtly cor
rected him) well Garfield, there wuz no
hope for the Republik. A candidate for
the Presidency should receive it from the
hands of the people with pure hands. 1t
must come to him unbought and Issaker,
pullin out the last 50 of the S25 he had re-
ceived from Tilden to kerry our deestrik,
askt the Deekin up to take suthin. The
toast wuz Tilden and his bari. May the
one last jist az long az the other.
Captain AlcPelter, which wuz a layin on
his back on Bascom's long table, remarkt
that the eleckshun Nv Garfield meant
room. 1t wood be extinguisher to enter
prise, crusher to honist labor and a
squelcher NV industry. The Captin would
hev gone on, but fetchin friteful yawn he
remarkt that his corn wuz sutfrin Tor want
NV labor to hoe it, and turned over and
went to sleep, the flies settling one by one
on his nose. Ez he hednt any money we
let him slumber.
Captain Podgers remarked that eff ther
wuz one thing above another that he wor-
shipped it wuz kentry in witch all men
he'd ekal rites. 1t wuz the corner stun Nv
the Republic and the foundashen Nv the
DimekIatic party. Ez for hisself---
The Captln seem suthin in the street
rushed out in the middle Nv his speech
He returned IN few minits, and washed
his hands IL Bascom's sink.
swat wuz it, Captin ?. | asked.
"0h, nOthin. It wuz that niger from
Linkenville, which he'd the audassity to
claim rite to vote here last eleckshun
swore I'd kill him ef he ever put his nose
into this place agin. Id done it, too,
only Joe Bigler kim up afore | he'd time to
finish him. But he won't never offer a
vote at these poles no more. y
Feelin that some formal expression wuz
necessary from the Corners, we organized
meetin, and / proposed some resolooshens,
orally. La them resolooshens | denounst
the Republican party ez one that wuz sap
pin the very foundashens NV Amerkin lib
erty, and that the safety NV the kentry
demanded that the government of the
kentry be entrusted to the Virchoo and
Intelligence Of the Demekratic party, NV
wich the Cross Roads was a shinin part. l
sketched these rufly with a pencil and sot
down to draw en- out III full, when the
cussid chair broke under me-Bascoms
chairs are alluz breakin-and | sprained
my wrist so that | Good not write.
Ez | am the only Dimekrat in the Cor
ners ez kin write, and ez no proud and
hawty Cawcashen wood ever ask assistance
from the inferior Afrikin, them resoloo-
shuns WIZ not put upon paper, and are
lost TO the party forever 1t WIZ pervokin,
but my life hez bin a succession Nv disap-
pointnents.
Ez soon ez the Nashnel Dimekratic Com
nifty shell send me the necessary docky
II ents concernin Garfield, | shell take the
stump agin him, pervided alluz that they
send the sineos of war. For wat kin
Dimekrat do without money? 81 uff the
battle afar off, and am glad the fray is at
hand. | shell liv in clover till November,
ANYHOW. PETROLEUM V. Massey,
Champion.
P. S.-A cold chill struck the Corners
last mite when the nooze reached us that
Tilden wuZn't a-goin to run. swat kin
we do in the Corners without his bari p
asked Issaker. And Bascom witch knowd
he'd git all that wuz appropriated for this
seckshup, wuz in SIGH a state NV disgust
that he thretened to shet up at o'clock.
Confidence wuz restored, however, by SUBJ
sequent nooze that he shood hev Payne
nv Ohio nominated, and that Payne
he'd even a bigger bari than Tilden.
Then Bascom smiled again, and hope
wunst more illumined our noses. The
Corners don't keer witch gets the DIM
ekratic nomination so that he haz
bari and knows how to yoose 1T. POSSIBLY
Payne wood be better than Iilden, for he
is new man and wood hev to buy us all
over Sich NV us ez hev received money
from Tilden held a meetin and resolved
that wat Tilden had paid US shood not
count for any other man. The new man
must commence at the beginnin, jest ez
Tilden did. Bascom was SO elated at this
prospeck that he called for three cheers
for Payne, and set up drinks all around.
Thus in the general Sahara NV my life
there is occasional oasisses.
?. $40. 2-The Corners is wild with
eggscitement. A man from louisville ar
rived last night, and sed that it he'd bin de-
termined to nominate Payne, NV Ohio, and
that he wuz with not cent less than five
millions NV dollars, and wuz more libral
even than Tilden. The Corners is neerly
crazy. We only wish the Convenshun wuz
further off, that there mite be time for still