Richland beacon., 1880-05-15
PASSING SMILES.

HIGM pitch-that on the California
pine trees.
A WOMAN stung is the nearest ap-
proach to perpetual motion.
YOr can always tell clerk in dry
goods store from the millionaire pro-
prietor by the good clothes the clerk
wears.
NJ. MISSIONER, the great French artist,
"paints very slowly" The same may
be said of house pSinter working by
the day, but this doesn't make him .
great artist.
The ice and peach crops are ruined
yearly, along with the champagne crop,
and it seems to be really doubtful
whether We ever see genuine ice and
peaches in this country.
The following appears in the Ala
habad Pioneer: "Wanted, a situation
as snake charmer in serious family.
N. B.-No objection to look after
camel"
AS you travel around the country you
are more and more impressed with the
conviction that the chief end of man is
to paint patent medicine signs on the
fences.-BuriingtO Hdwkeye.
WEALTHY cad" Look here-bring
me some dinner, oli man. The best
you've got" Restaurateur-"D Dinner
Ia carte, M'sieu?' Cad-"Cart be
hanged! Dinner ler carriage"
A YOUNG man in Maryland started
out with horse and lance and battle-ax
to champion damsels in distress. He
had not gone five miles when AIRED
headed school MAJ pulled him off bis
steed and rolled him in the mud.
PROFEssOR-"W Which is the more del.
icate of the sense7" SOphomore-"The
touch" PrOfessor-"PrOve it," SOphO-
mOre-"When you sit on a tack. You
can't hear it you can't see it; you can't
taste it; you can't smell it; but it's
there"
On the planet Jupiter one year is
nearly as long as twelve of our years.
|, BY the amount of time some people in
, this world take on their prOmissOrv notes,
, it is evident that they labor under the
, delusiOn that they are inhabitants OF
Jupiter.
, CERTAIN of our exchanges advocate
; the leaving OFT what they call super
fluous titles, as "Mr" and Esq"
Why, brethren, this will work great in
2 iury-to a certain class. Take away
I what is superAuous and there will be
> nothing left.
8 '1THEY are like a tree?" he slid;
The maiden yawned and could not tell;
Because you're wood and bushing red,
! The young man thought he did II well.
! Z" How smart! and why are you tree
That's dead tits easy you perceive;"
He gave it up; then answered she
: Because, young man, you never leave.'
: AFTER the jury had been out all day,
the judge very properly sent them word,
saving, "Mr. Foreman, it is true l gave
you the case, but ! didn't intend you to
keep it forever. If it is all the same to
e you, you will return it when you get
| through with it,"
o 'rHE smooth places maae rough"
. said Mr.. Simkins, as he sat down sud-
denly at the suggestion of SLIDING
. place on Main street. "And the rough
q places made smooth" continued The
!. sage, an he considered the journey Of
life. Then he smiled and was glad he
= fell down.
Mrs SACKET. of D ,wnsville, Delaware
:. County, slammed her door tO and a gun
standing b hind it fell tO the floor, dis
charging it's contents into her leg, and
e making a wound VII ch neces- itated
u xmputation. Moral: Always shut q
|. door softly, a. though there was sickness
n in the family.
N "MY friends" said the political
= speaker, with the burst of ingenious
IS eloquence, 81 will be hsrest-" There
h were large number of neighbors pres
Il ent, and the terrific Outburst of applause
~ which followed this remark entirely up
J. set the point which the orator was about
" to introduce.
A COUNTRYMAN, after intently watch
ing sign in a boot and shoe store in thu
city the other day, which read Find
D. ings," stepped in and told the prOprie
n. tor he had lost a brindle heifer las'
" week, and he would like to know wha
he they would charge to hunt her up?
re AN article upon the human figure say
ce that "ti e proportions of the figure ar
m six times the length of the feet" Com
Dr. ing generations, when they shall exca
ed vate Chicago young lady's shoe, viii
lr: remark incontinently. "There wer
u! giants in those days." and mentally re
ed construct race of women ten feet tall
re- HEARING that hoops are coming il
OF oI style again Steubenville girl visite'
. ne WelIsburg the other day to have q pal
'n' ' built around the half-mile race track O
na ~. the fair grounds. She wanted to get
ls' set that would hide portion Of her fee
'ne ne If it wasn't for Steubenville girls hal
'n the tanneries this side of civilizatio
.o ., would have to hang up their shutters
~ ~ Wheeling Leader.
~