The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1880-06-19
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
The HaiCkeye thinks it was a good thing foI
Jobs reputation for patience that he died before
the gem puzzle was born.
''Stealing the livery stable Of heaven to serve
the devil in, is the way an honest Michigan dca-
con got it of in church.
A man who has red hair,
And has a red-haired son,
Hair-red-it heir-y gifts must share;
Else how could It be done?
The man who is sure he will go to heaven is
sometimes so doubtful about the rest of the world
going that he fears he may be the only one there.
Joe Cook calls Niagara ga dateless roar :"
When il comes to chOPping up the English Ian
guage beyond recognition, Joe takes the biscuit
Chicago Tribune.
Denver is Dragging about a resident who is
gradually turning to stone while yet alive but he
is not to be compared to lots OF chaps who turned
to brass soon after they were born.
The butcher who sent tender lines to his sweet
heart 10 now disconsolate because the maiden
has rejected his suet.-L0IgeH Courier. It's
tough to steak ones all and meat such treatment.
A wealthy Freuchman offers $40, 900 to any
doctor OF surgeon who Will make a hunchback
Of him, be pities the class and wants to be one
OF them. Suitable arrangements can be made
with q mule for less money.
A Brooklyn man stole up behind lady in
dark room and kissed her, and when he found it
was his wife. and when she found it was her hus-
Sand, they were both as mad as wet hens.-B0S-
ton Posi-.
been at the preserves ?' dead sience.) "IIave
you touched them, Jenny p Jemmy-"Pa
never lows me to talk at dinner.
- The fear Of infection caused some persons at
Memphis to burn all their clothing, and even the
prayef-bOOk Of a deceased cholera patient was
consigned to the flames; but six so bills found
on his person were religiously preserved.
There was young fellow of Crete
Had such awful eorns on his feet
That he never just knew
Which safest 10 do.
To cut OF the corns or his feet. -BlD,lehe.
An obseryant Frenchman says 1 have seen
women Of all countries. An Italian does not be-
lieye she is loved by her lover unless he is cap
able of committing a crime for her, an English
woman extravagance, and Frenchwoman n
folly.
Worthy Magistrate-"W What n man can be
cruel enough TO maltreat his lawful welded WIFE
and even hurl plate at her head?" Prisoner
sBut. your honor, do you know my wife?''
Worthy Magistrate-''I have not that honor"
PrisOner-''Then just 60 slow
s.Don't get out OF anybody's way" advised
Henry Ward Beecher. But, Mr. Beecher, when
you recognize your landlord only half block
away, and it is three days past rent day, and
there TWO cross streets, an alley and three
four-stOry stair-ways with rear exits winking at
you from the near side OF the street-are we-is
q man, that is, to 90 straight ahead anu collide
with the landlord? Oh, nonsense; what kind Of
talk is that to give q debt-laden people, with
money at per cent, and your Summer clothes
not paid for 2
Lord BeaconsfeId once said of Mr.. Gladstone
that he was sOphistical rhetorician, inebriated
with the exuberence of his own verbosity, etc.,
etc Tt is now Mr.. Gladstone's turn to style Lord
Beaconsfeld meretriciOus mercator sublimated
with the efiOrescence OF his own medulla Oblon-
gata, who has precipitated avalanche of con-
tumeliOus obloquy upon the devoted pericrania OF
his compatriots, and who is now about TO be rele-
gated TO that Acherontic oblivion which, in the |
gorgeous imagery of his own Oriental vernacular, |
fits him like the paper on the wall.-Puck.
An Arkansas ferryman posted the following |
notice on a tree: ssIf ennybOdy Gums bear arter |
Iicker to git across the river, they es blow
this hear horn, and ef don't cum when my Bet |
sy up at the house hears the horn blown, she'll |
come down and sell them the licker or set them /
across the river when I'm away from hOam. |
John Wilson. N. B.-Them that can't read /
will have to 60 to the House arter Betsy, taint
but half mile there
The examiner is trying to explain to the fat
headed listeners the character Of a miracle. He /
asks a scholar, What is a miracle ?'' 81 don't /
know sir" ssIf-all at Once-the sun appeared |
in the heavens at night, what would you say it i
was p The moon" 'But, If you were told il /
was the sun, what would you say p I'D say it
was lie" Now, never lie. Suppose told /
you irwas the sum- The scholar, after a moments
fieep reflection, bObbed his head. ssPlease, sir.
I'D say you were drunk. "-De,asche Zeifuaq.
NJ Guizot while on a visit to Lord Aberdeen,
in Scotland, was talking him in the park one
day about the English system of elections, when
his host stopped before cottage "This little
6ouse," he said, 'srecalls to me a shameful deed
in my political Iif.' w hat an act Of vioIence?'
ssYou shall hear. bad tenant here an inde-
pendent fellow, who annoyed me horribly In
every election he strenuous!y opposed me. | made
up my mind, to be rid Of him. !" ''Ha you turn
ed him out?'' "No. I reduced his rent by a
guinea, and destroyed his qualification. A mean
trick, and I've always been ashamed Of it,
They sitting about the stove at the gro
Gerry listening to the yarns Of an old sailor and
the ancient mariner had just remarked, 1.-The next
we tackled was a right whale, and it was ugly
one snd stove all three Of our boats and killed the
second mate, when q sad-eYed man in the COR
ner observed ''It seems to me that instead of
right whala you tackled a wrong whale And
then they ali rose and walked out in Indian file,
and the ancient mariner was so mad that be tried
to kick q saw horse and barked his shin in nine
places-B0st01 Post.