The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1880-11-25
HUMOROUS.

tTrMEs has changed since l was q
ga4," exclaimed Mrs. Goodington, re-
feotlvely, laying down the paper in
which she had read Of the large amount
Of gold used annually in teeth-filltng,
and pushing her ancient speetaoles UP
onto her corrugated and eq lally an
otent forehead. eyes; times has
changed since was gal. You never
heard suoh a fuss about teeth In them
days. That was afore people took to
feeding on oalOmels and b0urbons and
such trash. They didn't have the
toothache much, but when a tooth did
at once,and without taking chloroform
or any Of your now tangled aesthetics
ether. And as for sticking gold into
their mouths, why, bless you they had
all they could do to get bread enough
to put there to keep soul and body to.
gather" And the old lady's face as
sumed an unwOnted sternness as she
reflected on the degeneracy Of modern
times.
Con, mammar' said a little girl,
running into the house, "while we
girls were skipping out on the pave
ment real nice man came up and gave
us some candy and told us to keep right
said that II any of US would skip seven
hundred and fifty times he would give
her parents nice, pretty rosewood
box, all lined with white satin, with
a glass cover and silver handles with
the little girls name on silver plate.
SO Pm going to try and get 1t for you
mamma; and he said when any little
girl had skipped seven hundred and
fifty times for her papa to call round
to his otiico Snd let him know. Good
bye, mamma" "Mercy on me, child,
come back" The undertaken has gone
to the countryi
A BOY in nelghborlng city was hit
on tho head with stone, and he died
In few minutes. Tho physician who
postmortemed the body found blood
clotted at the base Of the brain, caused
by the rupture Of a small blood vessel
but the Coroncr's jury said "the cause
of his death was an over-distendad
stomach" Nothing will cause boys
stomach to dtstend quicker than to hit
him on tho head with stone,-al-
though some physicians may not be
aware Of tho fact.
"WELL, l've sold my dog" said he
rs he leaned against the door-jamb.
"Have you thought How much did
*seventy. five dollars" "welI. Hi."%uee. some.
body got bit on that trade" remarked
bystander No. 2. "Oh, no, threw in
a croquet set, an old campaign flag,
my last years fishing tackle, an army
overcoat, and--let me see. Oh, yes, 1
let quite a good second hand buggy 90
with 1t. On. .hat's mighty good dog.
He's worth all got for him."
WHEN an ancient maiden lady In the
front pew, vooalizes as follows:
90 for a man
o for a man
o tor a mansion in the SKIES" 1t
Is awfully suggestive, and 1t causes all
the slumbering old bachelors In the
back pews to awake with a sudden
st art, and stare suspiciously arond, as
though they scented danger. Some OF
tho songs of Zion are yearn[ng to be
reversed.
AT a late military Iii lner ono OF tho
visitors proposed this toast: "May
the man who has lost one eye In the
service OF his country never sec dis
tress with the oLher!" But the person
omlttlng tho word "distress," com
pletely changed the sentiment, and
caused much merriment by the blum
der.
"ADoLrnUs, my DEAR" said she,
fIt's nearly year since you first be-
gan to call" eyes, I believe So"
"And we've talked about
books and music every night"
"Y-y-e-s, 1 think so," more nervous
tn IL before. "Well |, I-Don'r you
think a change would be agreeable2"
There was "a change" In a few weeks
timo. The pastor made 1t.
"ANY letter for me2" asked young
lady OF the female postmaster in
country town. "No," was the reply,
Strange" said the young lady aloud
to herself as she turned away. "Noth-
ing strange about it," cried the f. D.
through the delivery window; "you
ain't answered the Inst letter he writ
ye."
THERE's girl III Kansas only nine
teen years old who can knock a equir-
rel out Of the tallest tree with her rifle
ride kicking mustang, help Ground
up" herd OF cattle, and ride down a
jack rabbit, and yet, the local paper
states In tone of surprise and little
anxiety, "she Is not married."
A YOUNG man with an umbrella
overlook an unprotected lady acquaint-
ance In rainstorm, and extending his
umbrella oyer her, requested the pleas
ure of acting rs her rainbow. "Oh !"
exclaimed The young lady, taking his
arm, 'you wish me to be your rain
dear" Two souls with but a single
umbrella, two forms that stepped as
one.
AT breakfast a remarkably light
omelctte sou file Is served, at moment
when every one Is engage in a deeply
Interesting conversation. The omelette
is neglected, and begins to settle down
from Its appetzlng airiness, to the en-
Ormous disgust of the little daughter
of the house, who exclaims: 80 ma do
hurry! The omelette is eating itself I"
"DoN'T prevarioate, sir !" thundered
a British Columbian judge to witness
from the mines, don't prevarioate,
sir." Cant help it, judge" answered
the miner. "Ever since l got kick
In the mouth from mule, that knock