The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1880-06-12
VARIETY.

Edwin Z" Dull paper this morning, amt it
Angy?" Angelina - Yes Not a soul one
knows mentioned-not even deaths :"
The man who said that the temperance party
was going to rise like a giant refreshed with
wine was unfortunate in his choice Of simile.
The grand and awful difference between tree
and bore is-hurrah, now the tree leaves
spring, and the bore, why, he never leaves.
Somebody discovers that it takes $50, 900 900
a day to run the world. If that's so, we'll take
the contract for day and forfeit ten per cent.
of the money If we fail.
Love never enters into Chinese stories. The
hero is always a chap who made his ducats in
America by laundry work, and the heroine IS
girl who wants revenge on him because he killed
her cat.
A gentleman having occasion to praise a kind
hearted Irish woman for her good deeds, said to
her '' Well, well, Kate, if there is heaven
in the next world you will get to it, As quick
as lighting came the reply, with all the hearth
ness Of the race - God bless ye, Mr.. p. An
sure. if do, Ill lave the gate open for you"
As our first parents were leaving the garden,
Adam remarked, fumbling with the button Of
bis Leaf abstractedly. - 1 don't care about nv
have lost, my heart fails me-" And Eve, the
unselfsh creature, looked into his eyes with low
ing gaze, saying carelessly but sweetly, .. Oh,
L don't care, Adam"
Charles Lamb says a speaker should not at
tempt to express too much, but should leave
sOnething TO the imagination Oi his audience,
and he tells how, being called upon return
thanks for a toast to his health, he rOse, bowed
to his audience, said - Gentlemen" and then
sat down, leaving It to their imagination to sup
ply the rest.
Put away his raek-brain puzzle;
He has climbed the asylum stair:
Turned his head and sent him there.
Twill ne'er be needed more,
Bang there goes the asylum door.
Old parsOn who had once been curate in the
parish - How do you manage to get on in these
had times- Mr.. johnson " Farmer - Well,
air abou, bad as can be Last year we lived
on FaS his year we're Iivin' in Hope, and
next I'm afraid we shall have to depend on
Charity"
Somebody has been lecturinS on - the evidences
az Christianity in the nineteenth century"
Few of the most striking of them are the cheating
Of Indians, the roPIng Of rich New Workers into
fabuIoasly rich mines. the osculatOEy pranks of
some Of the preachers, and the ease with which
lawyers aud newspapers lie
Johnny wanted to go to the circus, and his
father said Johnny, I'd rather you'd 90 to
schooI, and study. and maybe you'll be President
some day" said Johnny: Father, there's
about one million boys in the United States, isn't
tbere?'' .Yes." - And every one of them
stands a chance of being President?" a. Yes"
Well, dad. I'll sell out my chance for a circus
ticket"
A fair damsel of the West, according to the
Litch6eld (Ill) Democrat, recently sent this note
20 her faithful knight:
DEER WmL-DOant O-~@eny more for
vhiaI eny way. Eau wfuIle skeer-
ed about burglars. and he . ruite with
a doubIed-barreled shotgun waten.- the back
ward He put mOren pound of lead into
browns Newfoundland dog which was cummIn
over the fens after bone last mite.
wouldn't kHn now II were you-
CHEYENNE men will bet ON anything. Two of
them not up S5 apiece a wager that one could
hold wasp in his hand longer than the other
could. and the fellow who r1bbed ehlorOiorm on
bis hand expected to win, but the other fellow
hanpeued to know that male wasps dom sting
and got one Of that sex, and they grabbed their
v-asns and sat and smiled at each other while the
crowd wondered. until the chloroiorm had evapO-
rated. and the fellow who used it suddenly let 60
bis wasp and let the audience into the secret OF
how to swear the shingles all of the roof.
YEs. He REMEMBERED ExAcTLY.-A lying wit
ness will often tell very glib story, but he gen.
eralIy fails TO guard all his weak points At a
recent trial in Court the following took place in
attempting 70 prove an alibI:
Attorney S. You say that Ellis plowed for
eau ali day on the 20th November? -
Witness (referring to his note book)-Yes-
S.-What did he do on the Both.
W-We chopped wood.
S-On the 31st
What was Sunday, and We went squirrel
hunting.
S.-What did be do on she 32nd?
W-He thrashed wheat on that day.
S.-Whar did he do on the 33rd2
VT was raining, and he shaved out some
handles.
S.-What did he do on the 35th?
Vile chopped wood
S.-What did he do on the --?
But before the question could be finished, the
witness wife seized him by the collar and whisk-
I'd him outside the witness-box, yelling in bis
afriehted ear I" You old fool don't you
know there are only thirty-one days in the
month Of November"