The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1880-07-31
OF OUR EXCHANGES.


Head man-The prhenologist.
Free Of charge-An empty gun.
Cut.cut behind-The Swallow tailed coat
Lead hum. drum lfe-Mosquitoes.
No quartcr--A twenty cent piece
Bad buy words-"Charge 1t to me-"
Attractive in its way--A lightning rod.
Why is shoemaker like true lover! Cause
he is faithful to the last.
"My works dun" remarked the collector as
he started out in the morning.
In making wills, some are left out and Others
are left tin Whitehall Times.
Why is a mser like man with short memory
Because he is always forgetting.
Garields letter Is still being widely discussed.
II seems to be like porous plaster--you can
stick pin in it anywhere.-N 7. Herald
The latest scientific discoveries seem to dis.
prove conclusively that the missing link has any
thing to do with sausages
Mariner Thompson is reported to be consult
ing Agricultural lie Due on the ACCESSIBILITY OF
planting forest of crosstrees in Indiana.
The Omaha Herald says drink of Council
DlullS Wnlskcy VIII Hdhc u HIhH ~ oh w CUM
secluded place and rob himself.
There are twenty letters in winfield Scott
Hancock" in flames Abraham Garfield" in
''Chestcr Absaom Arthur" and William Howard
English, and the next president will be the goth
The latest discovery is that the initialsW. 8.
H.-of Hancocks name stand for "Will Succeed
Hayes" Not patentablc, as everybody knew
that
A Brooklyn editor recently stabbed man with
his scissors. 1t is always dangerous to inserrupt
person who is writing editorials
Domestcs belong to the hire class of society
Y0nkeyS Statesman. And "them literary fellers"
TO the lore class.-Boston Jomual9f Commerce.
An exchange speaks Of man who "is but one
step removed from AN ass" He'd better make
it three or four. The animal has a long reach
backward.
Boston Post: Young Mother wants to know
if green apples are healthy. Yes, they are, gen
orally, but the people who eat them are not.
This paper has the largest circulation In the
United Slatcs.-NeD York HeraM. No doubt.
Who ever supposed The Uerdid circulated chiefly
in Beloochistan ?-Haryord Times.
Syracuse Sunday Times: The young man
looked ptiable last Sunday when, as he left the
church door, his cane came apart and fish. pole
teescOped out Of 1t.
st. Louis girls say that those of Chicago never
have shoes that are mates, because OF the diff
Guilty of finding two sides OF leather exactly alike.
--Bost0n Commercial Buhetta
People have become SO Disguised with the ex-
tortionate demands of the guides IN the Yosemite
region that the region is almost deserted by tour
lists Robbery will kill any scenery in tlme-cX-
cept Niagara Falls.
Clublc 4 was telling story in the club. Club
ite b, whom 1t was finished, said "Well, that
reminds me Of another anecdotc," and he related
it thereupon remarked, ~ don't see how
what you have told us was recalled by my story"
at was" replied b, "because mine wae on the
same page Of Joe Miller as yours"
1t turns out that Don Csmeron's physical sys
ten was not SO seriously affected but that GAR
fields promise to turn all the offices over to the
bosses cured him. What drove him to the springs
was "A severe attack Of nausea, caused by the Chi
cago nominations.
A Philadelphia miss at Long Branch bothers
the young men to whom she Is introduced by
starting or in this way before they have time to
week. We will stay two weeks more. We are
at this hotel. / like Long Branch. Now let's
talk of something else."-Bulietm
Professor Of Greek, who Is riding out with his |
wiz 1otices that the horse is thirsty and drives
in stream by the roadside. Professor re-
II S that there Is evidently some wcighty oD-
s, ,tion which prevents the horse from getting
has head down to drink, and says that he will |
a NAL
Suddenly he exclaims "Ah, per-
ceive!" and proceeds to unbuckle the crupPer
Although most people are not aware OF the
fact electricity travels much faster from east to
west than from west to east. Tildens consratu-
lations reached Hancock n few moments after
the nominations, but Grants dispatch to Gar
field has not arrived at Ohio yet.-Detrod Free
Press
What the editor printed "The Hon. Luke
Lethcrtung, our distinguished representative to
the national congress, has very kindly favored us
viii a copy OF his able and mastery speech on
the Improvement of Bobtailed Frogs" What
the editor said "What In thunder does that
fool send his rubbish here for?"
Street cars in Syria are divided into two parts;
one of which, called "thc harem," Is for ladies
only, and II u man should enter he would be
promptly fired out. Why not have similar ar
raugcment In this country for men only, SO that
the poor tired male beings going home ut
night might be secure against being turned out
OF their seats by drove Of women? II a "harem"
for women ia good, why not II "scarem" for
men ?-RIii,ody Age.
Twas az an archery tournament, Il
An arrowchested, verdant youth,
Thus to blooming maiden sighed:
Wouldn't you like to have bowY'
"Oh, yes!" she archy cried.
"What Kind of a bow would you prefer"'
"If It's all the same, = ell you true"
The quiverng mah replied, Ii
"My preference is for yewr' :
And the archer bold rolled up his eye,
And heayed great bulr-sigh. u