The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1880-03-13

n. Y. Times.
The small boy who has been well and piously
brought up hates the heather, though policy
compels him to conceal his feelings. He en-
vies theheathen small. boy, and at the same
time looks upon him as a selfish and remorse
less absorber of Christian pennies. This is nat
ural and inevitable. The small boy is told that
his heather contemporary goes constantly
bare-footed, wears very little clothing, is never
washed, never goes to school and is never
taught anything that is good and useful.
Moreover, the heather small-boy lives in a
country where tigers and other wild beasts
abound, and where the exciting spectacle of a
widow burning to death in company with her
husbands corpse-an attraction which no circus
in this country has had the enterprise to offer
lis frequently exhibited free. OF course the
small boy of Christian lands envies the blessed
lot of his heathen brother, and would give
worlds had he, too, been born heathen Now,
when this envious small boy is compelled to
give 80 per cent. of his pennies to the heather,
he feels that it is both unreasonable and un-
just, and his anger burns against the heather
small boy, who, although rolling in every kind
OF heathen luxury, meanly absorbs the scant
wealth of small boys who have had the misfor-
tune to be born in Christian countries. He
cannot avoid noticing that the grown up folks
who think that he should give one-half of his
pennies to the heathen, do not divide their
own property in that way, and he never drops
copper in the collectors box without feeling
that he is the victim Of moral blackmailing.
Now and then there arises small boy with
gigantic intellect and degree of courage
which marks him as born leader of his race.
1t is the exceptional small boy of this variety
who heads expeditions against the Indians and
organizes gangs of juvenile highwaymen. That
these enterprises do not meet with success is
due to forces beyond his control, but they dis
play the greatness of his intellect and the bold
ness of his character. Of this type of small
Conn, who lately devised an ingenious and
entirely novel scheme for arresting the flow of
American copper coins towards the heathen
pockets of juvenile India.
Some two months since, Master Jaggars,
who had painfully accumulated the sum of
twenty-five cents, with view to an expected
circus, was compelled to consecrate fifteen
cents to the hated small boys of India. 1t was
this last of long series of pecuniafy outrages
that determined him to take a bold stand
against missionary assessments, and he, there
fore, summoned mass-meeting of small boys
on Saturday afternoon at Deacon Pratts barn,
ostensibly with view to rats, but really in Or
der to propose plan of defense against heath
en- encrOachments.
Master Jaggars made moving speech in
which he glOwingly described the luxury in
which the heather small boy wallows. HE
amt washed, and he can wear Just as little
cloze as heserminter. There amt no school
for him, nor no Sunday, you bet. He can go
sTimmin' every day, and can just lay off on
the bank and see the crocodiles scoop in wash
erwomen and SUCH Then his back yard is
chuck full of tigers and hipopomusses and no
end of snakes, and he can steal his dads gun
and shoot 'em out of the back window. This
is the chap that rakes in all our money, and
say its morn we ought to stand. Now. move
that we all turn heathen ourselves The folks
can't make us wash and go to school if we're
heather, and all the other boys will have to
put up their money for u.s." 1t is needless to
say that this speech was received with tumul-
tuous applause Howls of execration went up
as the luxuries of the hated heather were de-
scribed, and the proposal to adopt heathenism
as profession was unanimously supported.
slight temporary opposition was mani
tested by Master Sabin, who maintained that
IN order to become heathen they must first
have their eyes put out-a theory which was
based upon msinterpretation of the hymn
which speaks of s'the heathen in his blind
ness. The obiector, however, was soon con-
vinced OF his error, and expressed thereupon
hearty desire to become heather.
The details of the scheme were all arranged
by Master Jaggers. A plaster bust of S. j.
Tllden was decided to be ugly enough to serve
as an idol, and the amateur heather placed it
on an empty barrel in the barn, and bowed
down to it with much gravity. They discarded
all their clothing, except towel twisted
around the waist, and blackened their entire
bodies with burnt cork. There colud be no
doubt that they were very successful heather
In appearance, and as it was late in the AFTER
noon, they resolved to spend the night in the
barn, to breakfast on the spoils of Deacon
Pratt's orchard, and to attend Sunday-school
in body in order to collect tribute from the
Christian boys. The Sunday-school opened as
usual the next morning, although the absence
OF eleven boys created good deal of remark.
Soon after the exercises had begun the teach
ers were astounded at the entrance of Master
JaggarS and his ten associate heathen. 1t is
only fair to say that the heather behaved
themselves with as much propriety as their
professional duties would permit Master Jag
gars advanced to the superintendent and re-
marked, ''lf you please, sir, we've all turned
heather. There amt no foolin' about it.
We've got first class old idol, and we don't
believe in nothing no more. So, if you please,
sir, will you please tell them Christian boys to
fork over half of all the money they've got,
and to remember how blessed it is consecrate
it to real genuine heathen."
Thore is no instance on record in which a
heather has been converted as quickly as was
Master Jaggars. The superintendent held
him by one ear, and at the tenth stroke of the
cane Master Jaggars reDounced his heathensm
and promised to smash his idol and return to
the Christian faith without delay. The other
heathen, alarmed by the fate of their leader,
fled to the barn, washed themselves, resumed
their clothing and went homeward with sober
countenances, singing missionary hymns. The
North Meriden revival of heathenism was
disastrous failure, but nevertheless the bold
ness and originality of the scheme devised by
Master Jaggary must command our wonder
and admiration.
San Francisco thief did not know that the
woman whose pocket he tried to pick was the
Great American Female Samson, belonging to