The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1880-09-16

fond mother whose cherub had eaten a
watermelon or 80 too much, and a gem
tleman who had seut home a large red
fish for dinner, got mixed the other
day. First volcc-What shall do
about the babyP Second volce-Scrape
all the scales off him, cut him open,
and have him dressed nicely for dinner
with caper sauce. Aint he a whOpper ?
"WELL, Father Brown, how did you
like the sermon yesterday ?" asked a
young preacher. eye see, parson, "
was the reply, 81 haven't fair chance
at them sermons Of yours. Pm an old
man now and have to set pretty we'll
Smithle, Widder Taft II Rylan's dar-
ters III Nabby Brit N all the rest set
ting In front Of mo with their mouths
wide open swallerin' down all the
best Of the sermon, IN what gets down
to me Is putty poor stuff, parson, putty
poor stuff"
AMI one desiring a recipe how ia
make soap for a cent a pouni will ra0 ~
cove 1t gratis by addressing [. T.. Ora
GIN q Co., Philadelphia, the manufao-
G1rers OF the Justly celebrated Dobblns'
Electric Soap.
s---&)S-
AT an entertainment given lately by
the Bric-a- Brao Guvenile) Club, ter.
year-Old member was heard to aver
that che really did not care for this
sort Of thing; a cigarette and u quiet
chat were more in his line. Those girls
bored him; they went for every fellow
so Internally violent now. he prefer
red to do his smashing himself; and,
In fact, altogether, he liked 'em mol
low-say about thirty or so-giris Who
knew what was what-.no green goose
berries for him." A nice boy that for
a small tea party.
OLD Mr.. Barnes was given to boast
Ing Of his religious standing. In
prayer meeting, tho other evening, he
said Eyes, brothers and sisters, | feel
rs though I was put here to point tho
way to heaven" Before he could say
more Mrs. Burnwell spoke out: "Wcli,
Brother Barnes, hope you will stay
here and point long after the rest of us
are safe in heaven" Barnes hacdly
knew how to take hor.
The little girl who was disappointed
because her name could not be found In
the Bible says: "Never mindi l will
be such good girl that If ever another
Bible Is written. my name shall 20
into It,"
A HOMEOPATHIC Cure. Um) Pa
ttent-"Ies, sir; you're an ignorant
blackguarl, SIR" Homeopathic NJ. d.
-"Well, sir. then you've come to the
right person for treatment, as, accord
Ing to our treatment, like cures like. "
--->->----
VEaETINE is not stimulating bItters
which creates fictitious appetite,
but gentle tonic which assists ma
ture to restore the stomach to a heal
thy action.
MAMMA-Look, Cissy, here Is the
dear doctor coming. What favorlte
he is See, even tho little chickens run
to meet hlml Cissy-Yes, ma; and the
little ducks cry, "Quack, Quack"
AT a recent Philadelphia picnic.
when It was discovered that the cro-
quet arches had been forgotten, a wick
cd girl suggested supplying their places
with the two bow-legged yoang men
present.
SOME people are born to ill-luck. An
old woman who has pasted nearly five
thousand medical receipts in book
during the past forty years has never
been Ill Il day in her life, and she Is
growing discouraged.
YOUNG man, diamond pin looks
real nice and glistens brightly, but
when 81 week supports man and
pin both, one or the other Is not gen
uine.
"GENTLEMAN," said an amateur
farmer just from the city, writing to
the chairman OF an agricultural
society, "put me down on your list OF
csttle for calf"
THERE Is no use locking the stable
door after the horse Is stolen. When
you see the thunder clouds Is the time
to drink up the milk.
An Foo Woo is Il Boston Chinaman.
His name sounds like tho shtvering Of a
woman when she gets out Of bed on q
winter morning and steps her bare feet
| OIL the oil-cloth.
"MY little Lily, which do you love
the best mamma or this bag of candy p''
IL love bost mamma, who gives me the
Dig bag OF candy
81 DKss," said little sls yesterday
'1f bod was here now he'd make 10,
o'folks. 'Iis awful dusty to.da -
He that cannot forgive others breaks
tho bridge over which he must pas.
himself.
LIFE is too short tor Its possessors tt
wear long faces.
AN unpleasant relatlon-A oarb
uncle.
How would you like to be an iceberg
a GREAT hardship-An iron steamer
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| GIVE PRONfr Arrp nrrou e.a 49,. .-----.