The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1880-04-02
SOMETHING WORTH HAVING.


Miraculous inventions are the order of the
day. Even Edison has been surpassed by a
genius who has invented what is called a |
Married Mans Indicator" 1t is a wonder
fully sensitive arrangement Of the ordinary |
thermometer, in convenient pocket size and |
is graded to a scale of cabalistic marks, which |
show the exact state of the domestic atmos-
phere at any hour of the night. The hard |
worked and belated husband arrives home !
say about midnight. He takes out his 'in-
dicator," thrusts it in the key hole, and |
leaves it there few seconds. Pulling it out
quickly, he scans the dial by the moonlight's
ftful cleaning. If it marks :, A. Sound s
asleep the poor husband pulls off his boots
noiselessy, uses his night key with bated
breath, gives the door quick shove to keep
it from creak ing, steals trembngly to bed,
and when his dear little wiley wakes up
about two seconds afterwards and wants to
know how long be has been home, he is so
sound asleep that Gabriels trumpet couldn't
wake him.
If the indicator scores "a. \. c. b. d n
know what time it Isl the husband puts
few more grains of coffee in his mouth
opens the door boldly walks in with slam
bang air, hits his foot Intentionally against
chair, wants to know why the old arm chair
amt kept out of the way gets desperately
mad on general principles scares his wife
clear out of her crossness and intended cur
tain lectures refuses to let her get up and
strike mach-never did like light at
night, nohow remarks grutiiy in response to
timid query that its about twenty five
minutes after ten, and then turns into bed
with such an apparently awful state of mind
that the wife of his bosom is afraid to speak
to him-at which he is very sad, Of course.
There are numerous other marks on the in
dicator, showing just where it will do to play
the lodge dodge, or the sick friend, or been
standing on the corner taking to so-and so
for more than an hour, or General or Hon.
orabe this or that from, you know where
was in town, and had to go away on the two
O'Clock train, and he insisted SO strongly that
the whole party stayed up to see him off, al
though he was great bore, and we only did
it through courtesy
But the most awfully awful of all the ca
bilistic signs on the dial is the one at the top,
about two marks above boiling point. When
the weary husband comes home about one a.
m. from the direction of the butcher shop,
with a roll of meat held high in the air, 50
that every one he passes cannot fail to see it,
and sticks the indicator in the key hole, he
is almost too weak to draw it out With
:, hair on an end he reads it by the faint light
streaming in upon him over the Eastern hill,
and sweat breaks out on his noble brow il
. drops as large as walnuts, as he sees the bull
of the indicator jammed smack up agains
q X. II. 5. II. w. f. Y. J. |. T. d. lred no
and still heating and waiting for you jus
q inside that door, The inventor of the in
strument says that when this terrible misfor
y tune overtakes a man he feels that there i
!, nothing left in this life worth living TO-, an,
a., appreciates the full force of those beautiful
: lines
u "This world is all feeting show,
F. For mans dc luson given"
He slings the meat out into the yard, an
Il braces himself for the coming fray, but say
h nothing, for nothing can be said Be eve
st so gifted liar, his accomplishment is MOI
J. than valueless, No lodge, no sick friend, n
l.; talking on the corner, no sitting up to st
4, the general off, no swearing that he will ne'
l. er do it ugain-in fact nothing " i'll avai
e 1t is an absolutely indefensible case. He
d, caught in .fagronte delictu Even the CHA
ID ty gayety with which, two hours previou
he had said to the boys that he guessed he
e. see it out now-might as well be killed for
TO sheep as a lamb'-had all vanished. The i
to dicator having told him the exact situation
things, he knows Just what to do and th
to is nothing, but to get into bed at once a
" wrap the drapery of his couch about biz
IT. pull the pillow over his ears, and wait
~ his wiies breath to give out, It's aw
ow while it lasts but it has its use in reIieyi
rot the unfortunate husbands mind Of Part Of
ad load.
, ! The indicator is a great invention, aud
nat family should be without one For sale
le, all stores where they are kept Cwcnm
ing Inquirer.