Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1880-03-27
FUNNY FACTS

There is sleep for the eye that Is fearful,
A balm for the heart that Is nd
And calm for the spirit thai 10 fearful,
And for every hyer-s pad.
-cinoinaaa c0mR1eiGi.
SoNE person has invented q new
me, called the Fifteen block" puzzle,
ana is funny the newspapers don't say
something about it.-Norriaogn Herald.
A LITTLE girl who wrote an essay on
the COW managed to state before closing
that the ''cow is the most useful animal
in the world except religion. Roche
Ter Erpres. A
GRAVE fears are enterta ,ed that il
the Washington Vigilance mmittee
does its work efectually, it III leave
Congress without quorum
einnGii Enquirer.
Mis- Green did wed young Mr.. Brown
| really gallant TELLER
And the result, A. we're informed,
Is now little WELLER.
-KaAsas CRY Tima
A FRENCH physician has published q
pamphlet, showing the terrible ''effects
OF smoking on the heart" OF course, il
a man will take out his heart and smoke
on 1t, he is bound TO endanger his life.
-NOrrlSoun Herald.
The Boston Post has discovered hu.
name butcher, who whistles "Pinaiore"
airs TO the animals and makes them
want to be killed.
Hail March, thou August month!
We own Thy royal sway;
who now declines 20 hail thy reign
Perhaps in April May
-Kansas Cly Times
ACCORDING TO the Lowell Journal the
reason why Mr.. Tilden refuses to marry
is the same reason why he refuses 20
accept the vice. presidency-"he won't
accept the second place on any ticket"
Miss RosEBERRY wanted to marry Mr..
Deputy, at Seymour, Ind, but her
father commanded her to marry Mr..
Bowers, and appointed a day for the
wedding On the evening before she
secretly became Mrs. Deputy. She was
on hand for the other ceremony, how
ever, and it proceeded smoothly as far
as the question whether anybody Oh
jected, when Mr.. Deputy remarked that
he had an objection-a trifiing one,
which he felt some reluctance about
mentioning-the lady was his wife.
An Oil City gentleman who recently
travelled in Europe, said he was at din
ner one day in Paris, and while telling
story Was attacked with a sudden and
continued tit OF sneezing. When he
ceased, Russian gentleman, at another
table, named Plitcheekee, turned abolt
and complimented him on his excellent
and correct pronunciation OF the Rus
sian language.-Lerrick.
"VIcToR HUGo drinks coffee continual
~, and stands up while writing" All,
ha? Well, We know what ails him.
Somebody has kicked him. Burlington
HdwkSys.
when the sad and weary editor isn't editing,
when a moment through the day his pencil
drops
Then he listens to the sanctum bores a.bul.
Llug
And talking Of the weather and the crops.
No New York newspaper office is now
complete without puzzle editor And
he has 10 have his brain half soled once
day. With fair treatment and prompt
attention 10 repairs good puzzle edi-
tor will last week.-PhRadelphid ChroH-
icls.
A LADY in Sangamon county sends in
a communication beginning: "Do you
often look back into the dim vista OF
by-gone years with feeling OF regret at
wasted opportunities that causes tug.
ging at the heart-strings ?" You're
talking. About once "A week We take
look at the old vista as far back as 1876,
when the White Stockings won the
championship, and think oi the games
that We let 20 by without betting a cent.
o, memory, memory Bitter indeed is
thy sting.-ChicdgO Tribune.
NOTHING makes a woman so mad as
10 20 a shoe store TO buy a pair of cheap
slippers for her husband and have the
clerk try to sell her the Identical pair she
had worked for Christmas present TO
her minister.
1T is becoming fashionable for minis
tiers 10 bestOw platOnic kisses on the fe-
male lambs, but women must want kiss.
ing badly tn accept the platonic when
leap year gives them the privilege Of
asking any young man for kiss Of the
real tonic sort.
What need l. there IN worry aud fret,
Aud yainly Try more trouble a. borrow,
When We know that after the sun has set
To-day will be yesterday b. morrow.
-HGcltHsIck H,plhgic1H