Northern tribune. [volume] (Cheboygan, Mich.) 1875-1885, 1880-09-18

BY MARK TWAIN.

well, Sll-COnGllueQ MI. McW lllldulS,
for this was not the beginning of his talk
the fear of lightning is one of the most
distressing infirmities human being
can be afflicted with. 1t is mostly confined
to women; but now and then you Will
find it in a little dog, and sometimes In
man. 1t is particularly distressing
infrmity, for the reason that 1t takes
the sand out of a person to an extent
which no other fear can, and it can't be
reasoned with, and neither can it be
shamed out of person. A woman who
cOuld face the very devil himself-Or a
mouse-loses her grip and goes all to
pieces in front of flash of lightning.
Her fright is something pitlful to see.
"Well, as / was telling you, woke up
with that smothered and unbeatable
cry of Mortimer Mortimerr wailing in
nv ears, and as soon as l could scrape
my faculties together / reached over in
the dark, and then said:
"Evangeline, is that you calling? What
is the matterl Where are your"
"Shut up in the boot closet. You ought
to be ashamed to lie there and sleep so,
and such an awful storm going on"
"Why, how can one be ashamed when
he is asleep? 1t is unreasonable; man
can't be ashamed when he is asleep,
Evangeline."!
"You never, Mortimer. you know Every
we'll you never try"
Icaught the sounds of muff1ed sObs.
That sound smote dead the sharp
speech that was on my lips, and chang
ed it to
"Pm sorry, dear, Pm truly sorry. /
never meant to act so. Come back and
Mortimer
"Heavensl what is the matter, my
love?" ~
"Do you mean to say that you are in
bed YETI"
"Why. of course"
"Come out of it instantly. I should
think YOU would take some little care of
your life, for my sake and the children's,
If yOn will not for your own"
"But, my love-"
sDon't talk to me, Mortimer. You
know there is no place so dangerous as
a bed, in such thunder storm as this
all the books say that; yes, there you
would lie and deliberately throw away
your life-fOr goodness knows what, I'M
less for the sake of arguing, and"
"But, cOnfOund it, Eyangeline, I'm not
in bed now. Pm"
[Sentence interrupted by a sudden
glare Of lightning, followed by terri
fed little scream from Mrs. McWllllams
and a tremendous blast of thunder.
There! You see the result. Oh. Nor
timer. how can you be so profligate as to
swear at such time as thisP'
81 didn't swear. And that wasn't the
result of it anyhow. 1t would have come
lust the same, if hadn't said word;
and YOU know it very well, Evangeline-
at least you ought to knOw-that when
the atmOsphereis charged with electrici-
ty,"
"Oh, yes, now argue it, and argue it,
and argue it! I don't see how you can
act so, when you know there is not a
lightning rod on the place, and your poor
wife and children are absolutely at the
mercy of Providence. What are you do
ing? Lighting match at such time
as thisI Are you stark mad?"
'Hang it. woman, what's the harm?
The place is as dark as the inside of an
infidel, and"
PUT it out put it out instantly! Are
Won determined to sacrifice us ALP You
know there.is nothing attracts lightning
like "a light. FistAcrashA boom
boloom-boom -boomD Oh. just hear it,!
Now YOU see what you've dOnep
'sNO, don't See what Eve done. A
match may attract lightning for all
know. but it don't cause lightning
90 odds on that. And it didn't attract
it worth .cent this time; for if that
shot was leveled at my watch it was
blessed Door markmanship-abOut an
average of none out of a possible mil
lion, should say. Why, at DOllymOunt
such craftsmanship as that"
"For shame, Mortimerl Here we are
standing i'm the very presence of death,
and vet i'm so solemn moment you are
. capable of using such language as that.
If you have no desire tO-MOrtimerP'
.iWell?"
'Did you say your prayers tonight"
'TlI-meant to, but got to trying to
cipher out how much twelve times thir-
teen is, and ="
IFinAboon,- m--boom-bumble
-umble bang SMASHlI
"Oh, we are lost, beyond all helpl How
could you neglect such thing at such a
time as this?"
"But it wasn't such time as this.
There wasn't cloud in the sky. How
could know there was going to be all
this rumpus and pOw-wOw about a little
slip like that? And don't think it is
fair for you to make so much out OF 1T
any way, SctluS ~ HdppOuc oO oOiuOius
haven't missed before since l brought on
that earthquake, four years ago."
"MOrtimerl How you do talkl Have
you forgotten the yellow fever?"
"My dear, you are always throwing up
this yellow fever to me, and think it is
perfectly unreasonable. You can't even
send telegraphic message as far as
Memphis without relays, so how is lit
tie devotional slip of mine going to car
nv so far. I'll stand the earthquake
because it was in the neighborhOOd, but
I'll be hanged if I'm going to be respon-
sible for every blamed"
IFin!LBoOM m-bOOm-boOm-
BANGD
"Oh, dear, dear, dear! / know it
struck something, Mortimer. We never
shall see the light of another day; and
if it will do you any good to remember
when we are gone, that your dreadful
language-MOrtimerp
"Welll What now?"
"Your voice sounds as if-MOrtimer,
are YOU actually standing in front of
that open fire-Dlacep
1' .That is the very crime l am commit
ting"
aGet away from it this moment. You
do seem determined to bring destruction
on us all. Don't you know there Is no
better conductor than an open chlmneyf
Now where have you got tor
I'm here by the window.
"Oh, for PHYS sake, have you lost your
mind? Clear out from there tnls mo-
ment. The very children in arms know
1t is fatal to stand near window In
thunder storm. Dear, dear, know
shall not see the light of another day