Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1880-09-11
Srs4Ns DIRK HORSE


Probably the meaneSt piece oil cold-pioou-
ed deception ever practiccd on woman oc-
cured out in Western Addition the other
,iav. 1t seems that the belle Of that impor-
tant suburb of our municipality is Miss
susan Smiley, and whom vigorous rumor,
kept in circulation by her less favored sis
tcrhood. credited with being desperate lit
tie firt-in fact what Billy Rice, the min
strel. used to call 'ialse-hearted crokay.'-
all event, he's affections were of sufficient
ly indefinite quality to caase her two most
favored visitors TO look upon each other
with the most yindictive feelings common 10
hated rivals. These gentlmcn-who were
respectively city hall clerk, with cye-glass-
Is and frcckles. named Pliif, and red
headed drygoods maniprlatof called Diggs
occupied the Intervals devoted TO gloom
ily sitting each other out three evenings
week TO lruitlcss at;cmps TO discover which
of the two was really the coming man in
the matrimonial race so TO speak.
Last Thursday morning Miss Smiley in
response To A busincss-likc ring, admitted
middle-agcd party with black beard, and
wearing blue goggles and a long tailed ul-
stcr
Il am taking the census, num-, he said,
opening the fat book on the piano and get
ting ont some blanks, just look sharp, please,
and answer the necessary questions
Miss Smifcy trcmblcs little, as
women ALWAYS do for some reason when
talking to government officer, and said
she'd ny
Le1a'me sec-your names Smiley, | be-
Iieyc-Grst name?
Susan
middle namcg
Haven't got any, sir
Come now, young woman, 10 prcvaricai
ton. Are you sure YOU haven't got n mid
die name somewhere, and YOU are trying 10
conceal it?
No. sir; indeed haven't said tho
Young lady, turning very pale, j Wouldn't
deceive you.'
You'd better not, mum The penalty ia
% years at hard labor
Gracious mcp
Fact, mum. Now, then, lets see what's
next. All, ycs-how often marricdT
Not once yet
'Ahum Going to be | s'poscs Been
asked, chg
oh, yes, sii, several times
Cali it six times. said the census man,
making an entry. What's next? All, yea
is your back hair falsc?'
M-m-must answer thatT
'Of course YOU must. Don't triiic with
the United States government mum. Come
now
well. It's ,ogter; that is, kinder
'That'll do; wen call it mixed. Teeth
sound?'
'Yes. sirr with much emphasis.
Don't get excited. Let's sce-Tll put
your age down as 25. The United r,at'ss
never allows us TO take woman's age on
oath They will lie; can't help IL, | guess.
Pm Just II. / don't care whether the
government likes it or not, said the citizen
ess snappishly.
-1of course, of coarse they all say that.
i Pay attention, please. What size corsetT
'Ehs'
Must answer mum. Remember the PEN
altv. How many inches around the waist 2
We'll ii you must know, l6. Butt think
it's just shame
40 remarks, if you please. Ahcm!-
Wen call il 10. They generally throw of
about three inches, ! find. Size of shoeT
Two-but can wear one and a.
I'll return YOU as 4 No. 4. That's about
what a 'thrccr always says. Any beauSy
Wv -whatY
4 say. any beaux ?-and be very careful
about your answer, mum. The Washing
ton authorities are very particular on this
point lies everything 10 do with the next
census, You see. Now how many swcart-
hearts?
'Wcll-of course-there are some gentle
men coming here-and-'
OF course there arc Pyc got you down
in the Good looks space a5 A. A. J. L.
handsome So, Of course, you have plenty
Of admirers All the government requires,
however, Is the principle ones
Well said the young lady, somewhat
Modified there is Jimmy Pin, and Tom
Diggs and"
moldup. tight there Which Of 'em do
! Won intend to marry? Said the onUmcra-
tor of population earnestly.
oh. neither of them There ahcm--
there's splendid gentleman named send,
berry Charlie SciIdbcfry-yOu know him +!
He has big Brown whiskers and curly hair,
and
And do thcsc-ihcse other gcnilcmcn-
Plif and Digg.-know of the existence
of this-this fellow ScudberryY
'Oh. mol I'm too smart for that. jul
tar :hop along to bug ice cream and cara
mcls. and take ne 10 the theatre. It's tho
biggest fun Charlie knows all about il yOu
see. and calls himself the--thc-oh, yes,
the dark horseP
ooh, he Jocs, does, docs hep roarcd the
census man, jerking of his wig and goggIes
and revealing the enragcd features 0f
Mr.. Thomas Diggs 4 wish him joy Of hi'
bargain, and I'll give him just six months
to get divcrcc from the most two faced lit
\ tle ra, an the Pacific c0astr And he bang.
ed thedoor like a pile driver behind time as