davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02
OLD ABE AS AN ATHEIST.

So you've begun preaching again, have
day of an old colored man who had come
from the country as witness in a case before
a justice of the peace.
Is Vas, sah," said this old man, Use con-
clnded ter take der 'riginal way, aldough hit
treats OBJ de 'riginal SIM
" Tell us why you left the church and why
you again took up its cause"
" Wal, some time ago powerful smart
young niger moved inter my neighborhood
an commenced ter board at my house. He
had a sort OBJ peddlin' wagon, an driv aroun'
in de day an staid at my house in de night
He heared me preach one night, an den he
opened up on me. He said dat dar warn't no
God an no 'ligion He called hisself an in
fidel, and said dat de man what wasn't gov
erned by moral 'sponsibility instead OBJ fear
was coward, aud wouldn't smell OBJ heaben,
even if the place smelt louder dan a mashed
neber heared afore, an pinted out so many
rascalities of church people, dat begun ter
beliebe dat de man was right, an dat 'ligion
did not long ter freedom, was only used on
de culled people afore de wah ter keep dem
tween de traces De more l thought about
hit de more / cum WINGED, an finally tole
de sexton OBJ my church to bar up de doo'.-
Den begun to look at people in a now light
had been in de habit OBJ comparin' 'ligion
wild different folks, but now my eyes were OPP
ened an seed all gentlemen standin' afore
me on de broad platform OBJ moral 'sponsibil-
ity. Things went along all right for some
time, till begun to miss my chickens. |
didn't say nuthin', do fur was SO delighted
wild de elevatin' idea OBJ moral 'sponsibility
dat thought dat eberything would come out
right in de end. One night about week ago.
about twelve o'clock, l heared powerful
flutterin' 'mong de chickens in de hen house.
goes out and peeped fro a crack, an dar was
dis young moral Niger an one OBJ my deacons
shown my chickens inter sack. Dey bill a
candle under de chickens noses and picked
'em off shamefuly. | stepped aroun', opened
the doc an went in. What's yer doin' in
heah wild my chickens ? says |. Dey looked
skeered fur mint or two, an didn't say a
word but all de time de deacon 'sted ob look
in at me KEEP er lookin' at de young Niger,
as of he wanted him ter 'splain.
"' Ole man. says de young Niger, de
moral 'sponsibility OBJ
"' Neber min de moral 'sponsibility,' says
l. 'jes' take dem chickens outen de sack, an
I'll ten to de moral part. An you, brudder
deacon, drap dat shanghigh, go ober wake up
de sexton, and cell him to hab dat church OPP.
en- by seben o'clock in de mornin'. Little
Rock (Ark.) Gazette.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02
POISONED BREAD.
stairs.

There is detailed in the Scientific american
of February 7, series of experiments by
Prof. Mott, and so startling are the disclos-
Americans have been called ga race OF dys-
peptics (" and, IL Dr. Motifs experiments are
consulted, a great, If not the greatest, cause,
for this will be seen. These experiments
prove conclusiyely that the most dangerous
adulteration that the community has to guard
against is alum in baking powers. The doc
tors experiments we're made upon dogs, six.
teen of whom we're selected and all of the
most healthy condition. The experiments
were continued from the 9th of September to
December 3D.. No one was permitted to go
pear the dogs but the doctor and his assist
ant. On the morning of the ninth of Sep
TENDER the Doctor gave eight biscuits to
dog, the biscuits, made by himself and con-
sisted of one quart of -four and twenty tea
spoonsful of alum and baking powder, with
little butter and water. In three hours time
the dog was taken very sick, vomited pro-
fusely, losing the brightness Of the eye with
considerable trembling in his limbs. Exper-
iments we're then made upon three dogs with
biscuits containing only ten teaspoonsful of
alum baking powder. The Same effect of
poison was seen though of less degree. Then
three dogs were fed with biscuits made with
pure cream of tartar and soda in the place Of
alum powder. No i'll effects followed. They
were eaten with evident relish day after day
and the dogs improved in condition. The
next step the doctor took was to discover
what effect alum had on the solvent power Of
the gastric juice. Some pure gastric juice
was obtained, when experiments were made
with four samples Of the Juice to discover the
effect of gastric juice, in which the alum had
been dissolved, upon fibrine., white, very
easily digested substance. Il showed that
the alumni could check the digestion of SO
easily digested substance as fibrine, aud how
certainly it wonld become the fruitful cause
Of dyspepsia. Further experiments showed
that the digestive power of gastric juice is en-
tirely destroyed by alum, so far as its power
Of dissolving the more indigestibls substances,
like the boiled white Of an egg. DR.. Motifs
conclusions, after making these experiments,
are of vital interest to every one who cats
bread--they show that when made from alum
powders, it is totally unfit for human or an
imal food. How many are lingering suffering
invalids, and who have no suspicion OF the
cause of their trouble. Which of the baking
powders il any, are free from alum We can
not say, but it is safe to make our own bread
from yeast of own preparation.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02
WY HE WoUzp Nor BUY.

h - - lrz
He was tell, thin man who hadn't been
shaved for probably two weeks. His hat had
holes In the top Of It, his clothes shone like
placid lake at sunrise. and how his shoes
managed to stay on was known only 10 them
selves He ambed up the narrow stairs and
| into Mr.. Margrave's law office. The LAWYER
was sitting in his chair chewing on his PEN
holder
SIS Mr. Margrave in inquired the Ped
dler.
Yes, sir" was the reply, 81 am he"
All yes, responded the flend, reflectiyely
as he rubbed his chin with his knuckles, N
you are at leisure, the Mellifluous Morning of
the Apprentices would like a moments audi
ence--n
Certainly certainly, responded the man
of law, take a seat. Now, then, state your
case. Is 1t divorce you come
No, sir. Oh, no, it's"
Assault and battery presume,'' quietly
interposed the lawyer as he picked up his
pen to make memorandum.
Oh, no, you are wrong" smilipgly replied
Melifiuous Morning Glory of the Apprentices.
II just came in here to have you examine
salve I'm selling. 1t is composed entirely Of
vegetable matter and is made by myself only
and is called the Aromatic Soul of Mignon-
cite. 1t is just the thing you want. 1t is as
necessary as overshoes OF coarse, do not
mean for moment to insinnate that IL will
keep your feet warm or keep water out of
your boots. | was only speaking metaphoric-
ally. You tumble to my metaphor, EN-"
Eyes SIR"
Well now, here is box-a nice little sky
blue box which will make nice psaythinp for
one of your children when It is empty. It is
only twenty-five cents per box and this is gem
uine. See my signature
YES
''Well that's satisfactory. Now that we
understand each other we'll just get down to
business. Now how many boxes will you
take?"
While tho lawyer was thinking, the can
yasser continued
"Fhere is no doubt of the virtue of this
great healer. 1t win cure chapped lips IN one
night. have known il to close up cracks in
door and on one occasion woman put some
on her lips and It drew them together aud
closed her mouth. Her husband came down
next day and rewarded me handsomely.
have testimonials from lots Of ministers and
1 Yrominent men,
Here the lawyer chewed ON his pen handle
in reyerie and inquired
Have you a letter recommending your
salve from the man who sawed Courtney s
boats In two?'
81 have not"
Then sir. can't purchase anything from
you. When buy salve, it has got to be Ell :
dorsed by the man who sawed Courtney's
boats"
" Yes" responded the fiend satagefy, as he
backed towards the door, ''you are one of
them lads what always finds fault and won't
be satisfied You're a healthy man--you are.
You wouldn't buy box of pills unless it had
a set of Legislative resolutions and schedule
Of the dates of the deaths of all the famous
people for the past two centuries attached to
it,"
Then he slammed the door and went down
stairs.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02
POETRY.
An OLD MANS ADVICE.


It Is only an old mans advice
You may take il or not as you choose,
But those who are anxious to gain
Must also be willing TO lose
And he who is stingy and mean
Can meier e expected to find
That others will be unto him
More generous. noble, or kind.
IfIiove be the good that we crave,
Each hour and each moment we learn
The truly aifectionate heart
Receives ample wealth In RETURN
So II you would gain new friend,
Your friendliness seek to display.
Fer the nearest and dearest you'll lind
Are those you meet more than halfway.
II fortune alone be the prize
You eovet, its price must be paid;
And often the gain is much less,
Alas than the sacrifice made,
Yet greediy seeking for wealth
We eagerly press toward the goal,
So bent upon winning the world
We rashiy imperil The soul.
Whatever the race that we run,
Whatever the course that We choose,
We must make up our mind at the start
How much we dare venture TO lose;
Or else We may happen TO find
That what we have sought for with zest
Was really no gain, but loss
OF all that was dearest and best.
For the wisdom and honors Of age
With the freshness OF youth we may part,
Nor dream that crown for the head
Imposes cross on the heart;
And they who discover too late,
They paid an exorbitant price
For all that they gained, may regret
Not taking an old mans advice.
Josephine POitart
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02
. WONDERFUL,

Lester Smith came from the interior to see
about buying corn oultivator. When he
reached the city he at once began oultivatiug
the juice of the aforesaid cereal. Three or
four drinks didn't tangle bis legs. but they
made his head swell until he found his hat too
small. He therefore removed 1t and placed it
on the walk. Then, clutching lamp post.
he remarked /:
Won'ful what sights Teller shoes in
town. It's per'fy Splendid er'fiy 'mazing
A boy came along with parcel, and halt
ing him with gesture, Mr.. Smith said:
"Bub, izhn't zhis per'ffy won'ful-per'hy
won'fulPn
A woman carry ing basket was next halt
ed, and Mr.. Smith remarked:
"Bu'ful augel--per'fly blu ful-per'fY won.
full"
She scorned him and passed on, and a po-
liceman happened that way. Mr.. Smith
crooked his finger at the officer and said:
81 just sheen FREQ stree cars at ONCE
Won'ful town-per'fly won'ful.
He was willing to walk to the station, and
when shown his cell he folded his arms, look
ed around, and whispered in voice full of
awe:
sJu ever shee likes or zhis Why, itsh
won ul-won' full"
| When brought out for trial. Mr. Smiths
head was quite clear, but as the court asked
him to plead to the charge of drunkenness he
looked all around and slowly replied:
II declare but I'm in jail-right in Jail
Why, it's perfectly wonderful -
He had a fatherly look Further, one
could see that he was man who mover came
to town without taking home 'lasses candy
for the children and spruce gum for his wife,
and that he wouldn't cheat neighbor in a
horse trade unless actually forced into it to
get means to found an orphan asylum. His
honor studied the prisoner for moment
and then he said /:
"You were taking your Fourth of July
rather early, weren't your"
"Was intoxicated ?'
"You were."
"Could have been intoxicated unused
the man as he stroked the bridge of his nose.
"If was il was onderful-wonderful."
"How often do you hold these Fourth of
July parades +" asked the court.
'Once in thousand" was the honest an
swer. IL can't imagine what put me mp to
it yesterday. 1t is positively wonderful,
wonderful
II hate to send you up,n said his honor,
after long pause.
"Waal kinder hate to have you, was the
reply.
ar / should let you go what would you
do?"
"I would CO."
"Yes, but could you keep straight"
81 could. 1t is wonderful how straight
could keep-perfectly wonderful
"In looking for a corn cultivator you would
keep out of the saloons, would your"
81 would. I'm perfectly wonderful at
keeping out OF saloons"
"Well, guess you can go, but If you will
likely come back here, and then you will
get"
Ssh - interrupted the farmer" I'll not
be back. I'm going right home-its wonder
full how I'm going "
His face was wonderful as he left the door.
"The world is not SO bad, after all, = said
Bijah as court closed and he reached for his
broom. Some of us have the leg-ache
some have bols, some stand beside dying
beds, some are wronged out Of property, and
all have more or less vexations, yet, ] like tht
world have more and more faith in human
nature-I----"
He stopped there. Some one had cut the
broom handle through the middle.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02

eyes, I" said witness, 81 remember the
defendants mother crying on the occasion re
ferred to. She was weeping with her left
were running down her right cheek. -
F." What, exclaimed the Judge, how could
that bep" please youl Honor said the
witness, I" she was awfully cross eyed. - De-
noit Free Press.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02


How THE FooLER WAS FooLED.-A party
on the West Hill did not make much by fool
ing his wife. When he went home late,
waiting until after twelve o'clock so as to
play the joke, he rang the door bell and an
swered g April fool when she appeared at
the door. His wife laughed over the joke,
and ii was soon forgotten. About two o'clock
in the morning our friend was awakened by
his wife, who informed him that there was
something wrong with the horse at the barn.
She held the lamp while he went out to see.--
AS soon as he had gone q short distance, he
'smeIled a mouse and returned to find the
door locked He knocked, pounded, kicked,
but it did no good. He went around to the
bedroom window and could hear his wife
breathing regularly, as though quietly sleep
ing. Finally, tapping on the window he
gently called
"Dearl -
YES
"Let me in ! -
"will you promise never to try to April
fool me again?"
"Yes''
"Wil you get me that now bonnet?"
eyes"
There was turning of bolts, and the man,
who had gone home happy with the thought
of fooling his wife, passed in and retired
But we will wager that the party who inform
ed us will die If he is fonnd out.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02

"why don't you come in out Of the rain {"
said good-natured dominic to ragged
Irishman. " Sure it's av no consequence, yer
rivrence,' returned Pat, t" me clothes is SO
full ov holes they won't how'd water"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02

A clock was on view at the Paris exhibition
which fired off pistol hourly. The exhib-
itor, on being questioned as to the object, ex-
claimed, pblegmatically, that it was to " kin
time.n
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02

A Kansas weekly publishes " fourteen rules
to be observed during tornado" Only one
is necessary be somewhere else.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02

A friend who has wasted his substance on
liver-arousers, stomach-tonics, and anti-lean
remedies has at last concluded to try short
course of victuals
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02

If you would reach the peoples eyes, arise,
be wise, and advertise Willianasport Break
fast Table.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02

The world owes us all a living, but she Is
just as hard to collect from as any other debt
mr.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02

Rubbing fiat-irons on sand paper will re-
move every bit of starch and render them
very smooth.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02

To prevent moths in carpet, wash the floor,
before laying them, with spirits of turpentine
or benzine.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02

VIyITE many thanks to the public for past favors l
w hope to receive share OF their future patronage
and may be found at the old place. corner Union and
coal, carefully selected for family use.
May fst, 1880. st.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02

A hard thing to beat--a dusty carpet.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02
DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP.

TIME co partnership heretofore existing between the
Il undersigned, under the firm name Of Heath &
Holcombe, this day dissolved by mutual consent
A. H. HEATH
A. b. H0LCOMBE.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-06-02

that they
their ares Selected Stock OF
Daily press and Dakotaian. [volume] (Yankton, Dakota Territory [S.D.]) 1875-1880, 1880-03-01

Kearneyism and Kallochism are develop.
ing rapidly on the golden slope, and in San
Francisco the socialistic element is running
things pretty much its own way. The de-
cree of the disturbers lie that "the Chinese
must 60" and with this for their battle cry
they are becoming go malignant aud dam
gerous that there ia serious talk of reviving
the vigilance committee. Business interests
are suffering so seriously from the lavless
attitude of the Kearneyites that the balance
of the populace are ready to adopt any des.
perate means to put down the mob. All
measures for the relief of the unemployed
have failed because a condition of terrorism
prevades all classes. Each element is sus
picious of the other and while the moneyed
men may be disposed to aid their less for
tunate brethren they are kept continually on
the defensive BY the hostile attitude Of the
latter. The doctrines Of Kearney and Kal.
Loeb are bearing the bitter fruits of ~incipient
anarchy, suffering poverty and general dis
tress.
Daily press and Dakotaian. [volume] (Yankton, Dakota Territory [S.D.]) 1875-1880, 1880-03-01

be reduced 70 the standing Of . country croas
roads % far - IL mail facilities ve con.
cernsd. Fro0 all the co0merciaic e. uters OF
eur territory radiate s.ar lines which give 10
he outlying districts their only means OF
Communicative. On these lines service
will be cut down to once . week aud the pec.
pie must submit to the Inconvenience
because their representative has no vote and
no voice in the halle of national Legislation.
This 10 not the first instance in the history
Of congressional .doings wherein the terri.
tories have been unjustly compelled to real-
ice their dependency and to reap the bitter
fruits of their condition. The deprivation
which will come upon the heels of this en-.
actment will be more generally felt, how
ever, than any other slight imposed BY the
powers that.be, and every one among us will
have ample:opportunity to cogitate,upon the
unfrendly and injurious action of the dem
ocratic economists at the national capital.
Daily press and Dakotaian. [volume] (Yankton, Dakota Territory [S.D.]) 1875-1880, 1880-03-01
a WISE REFORM.

The habit Of administering quinine in
powerful doses, as an antidote to malarial
ma'adies, was once dangerously common.
Happily this practice has undergone q
wide reform. Not only the public. but
professional men have adopted, not
wholly. of course, but largely, Hostetter's
stomach Bitters as safe botanic substi-
tute for the pernicious alkaloid. The
consequences of this change are most
important. How fever and ague sufferers
are cured-formerly their complaints
were only for the time relieved, or halt
curedUthe remedy eventually failing to
produce any appreciable effect, EXCEPT
the doses were increased. A course Of
the Bltters, persistently followed, breaks
up the worst attacks and prevents their
return, The evidence in favor of this
sterling specific and household me iicine
IL Of no ambiguous character, but posi-
tive and satisfactory, and the sources
whence it proceeds are very rumsrous.
Daily press and Dakotaian. [volume] (Yankton, Dakota Territory [S.D.]) 1875-1880, 1880-03-01
TELEGRAPH rRovBtEs.
Some Particulars of tho Contest In Kan
sas, Ncbraska and Colorado.

Some Particulars OF tho Contest In KAN
sas. Nebraska aad Celsrads.
Chicago, Feb. 27-There 10 q telegraph
War 10 Kansas. Nebraska and COlurado. 10
the tace OF the iDjunctinns granted BY the
courts at Denver and in K.usss to restrain
the American Union Telegraph company
and the Kansas Pacific rsI,rosd COMPANY
from interfering with the existipe lines Of
the Western Uni0n Telegraph company up.
gu that railroad. the railroad company this
morning Cut out oil the wires tom the
Western Union oflces at Denver and
Ksrsas City. Atthe same time the Western
UDlon, wires were cut upon the central
brauch of the Union Pacific from Atcnleou
west. The 81. Joseph aud Wes,ernl and
the Denver Pacific %rallrosds,and the officers
thereon were se,z-d. All of these roads
have contracts with the Western Union, un-
der which it has an ownership in the prop
erty and has been working with the railroads
for many years to the present date harmoni-
ouly. On the Union Pacific railroad the
telegraph line is leased in perpetuity to the
Atlantic and Pacific Telegraph company.
The wires were also cut from the Office Of
the latter company this morning and carried
TO the Office Of the American Union compa-
ny opened in that city. Assurances were
yesterday given BY the Union Pacific COM
pany that no intentions of this kind existed.
1t is said this movement is made BY the di-
rect order of Mr.. Gould in the interest of his
lev telegraph company. The Western
Union company ia satisfied the courts
will enforce obedience of the i%njunc.
tions which have been 90 openly
violated and seems entirely confident
of its ability to secure an early
return of all it's contract rights and proper
~. The business public on the lines Of
these railroads is already expressing great
indignation at the embargo thus laid on
telegrAph,c communication BY cutting loose
from the Western Union system.
Topeka, Feb. 27-The war between the
Gould interest and the Western Union tsle-
graph company has extended along the
Union Pacific road to the Kansas division,
and this morning at 3 o'clock the wires from
the Union Pacific road to the Offices of the
Western Union company were cut At Law
renee, Junction City and Topeka. At To-
peka Manager Smith of the Western U. ion
Office made a formal attempt to connect
the wire, when his line repairers were
pulled off the pole and prevented from do
ing work.
Daily press and Dakotaian. [volume] (Yankton, Dakota Territory [S.D.]) 1875-1880, 1880-03-01

Private letters received At Washington
from Cheyenae. from gentlemen of the
highest personal character give a full &C
count Of the recent attack by Claiche, the
lately exposed postmaster, upon the private
character of Gov. Hoyt. These gentlemen
declare that they speak tho sentiments Of
oil the decent people of the place when
thep Say that the charges given such wide
circulation are utterly groundless, and that
no man enjoys q better reputation among
his neikhbors for purity Of private life than
Gov. Hoyt. The attack they say, was .
weak aud wicked device to weaken his in
fuence when the exposures of Glafeke's
course should be made known to the
authorities in Washington.