The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1880-02-28
OF OUR EXCHANGES,


The Young mans first razor-lIcr father boot
He who Mrs. 10 take kiss,
Has Mr. thing he should not Miss
The CHAMPION modest girl Of the period resides
in Rochester she calls it the limbisature.
A net crow, belonging to a lady in Savannah,
a;od of old aye. The owner mourns for the lost
caws.
A Kentucky man was drowned while attempt
ing TO save a book agent recently, That was
bad. He should have been hanged.
The Chicago Journal paragraphcr has discoV'
cred another dangerous habt--thc long skirted
riding habit.
Somebody has written new play called 1.-THE
Mngo Spy" which is said to be full OF horrors
1t must be misprint for Mint Spy"
The Connecticut adycntists now predict that
the end Of the world will come in August next
"Anythng to beat Grant"
your Honor" SAID Brooklyn prisoner, ''my
wife was determined to have pantomimc and |
told her wanted to wear them myself"
Mary, we shall always miss you,
Gone will be your pleasant smllei
Had the oil.can been much larger
You'd have gone about mile.
Eli Perkins says all great humorists are great
liars. Eli may be right about that, but his own
case proves that all great liars are not great hu-
norsts.
Down at Carinville, in this state, the blue
birds and and robins have come, and the wild
geese are flying north. This may net prove that
spring has come, but it is a sure sign that the
geese are cemng this way.
Teacher in high school" Arc pro and con
synonymous or opposite terms" Scholar-"Op-
positc." Teacher--"Give an example," Scholar
=" Progress and Congress"
Ansnias was struck down and instantly killed
for lying and he wasn't a first class liar either,
for it SAYS, "And AnaEias stood fourth" Let Eli
Perkins trcmble.
Some watches in jewellers window at West
field Mass. are marked 80; warranted worth
less" This is retaliation upon dry goods
nerchan. who is selling cheap watches.
"You must know, sir" said the disagreeable
relative, 'that was not always well off" "Wcll,"
was the reply, 81 hope you are well off this time
80 we'll off that you may never get back"
Joseph Cook said in one of his recent lectures:
"The aggregation Of bioplastic germs evidences
and irresistible tendency to correlate the mole.
eules In inverse ratio to the capillary process Of
differentiation" This should be q terrible warn
ing to the Grant boomers.
A.Colorsdo tombstone remarks:
He was Young,
He was fair,
But the 1nuns
Raised his har.
What part OF wheel makes the most noise
Why, the spokcs, man, of course.-Dctroit Free
Prcm No, the hub, bub.-Boston Post. Hold on,
fellocs you must be tired. -Chjcdgo Inter. OCEAN.
Tar on the axll stop the noise.
The editor of the 1acon Democrat seems some.
how to be bad man" He says he "spcnt last
sunday at Rock Island and one of the students
Of the Swedish Theological Seminary there hung
himself in the woods near the school" We might
invite him to spend a Sunday in Ottawa If We
were sure the right fellow would hang himself.
Physicians are a favorite target for the arrow
of the wit Here is an arrow which is still shv.
srng where 1t struck:
NY dart, cried Death, I cannot find,
SO now I'm quite at sea.
QuOth DIR. BOlus, Never mind
There, take this recipe"
A visiting clergyman was Just rising from
prayer at st. Paul's church In San Francisco
when nm usher strobe up the center aisle and
handed him n big bouquet, Just "a they do in the
theatre.
Probably no man 80 fully realizes the hollow |
ness OF life and human ambition as the man who
ladies a tcnspeonful Of new laid horscradish into
his mouth, under the impression that il is ice |
cream.
James Gordon Bennett, Of the New York Her. |
ed, boasts that since he opened his subscription
10 the Irish relief fund, heading 1t with 100000
himself the daily increase of the H,raLTs clrcu.
iation has gone up to H. 600 so that the advertis
ing will add s2e0, 600 to the annual income Of the
Herald. And now the publishers Of the Joliet
Greenback Ne,rS are kicking themselves and cx-
claiming, "By George, why didn't we think Of
thatm
The following order was presented in the Maine
Legislature by a member: Ordered that the
judiciary committy be diractied to inquire into
the spiediency Of SO amending the constitution
OF the state that the wright of suffrage shall be
limect to those who are able 10 read and rite the
English language"
Judge Wallace, of the Hoopestown Ch,o,irl,,
assures us it was not himself but his wife that
had that baby. But the event seems to have up
set him a trihc and now in his night visions he
already sees procession Of ten little Judges,
and breaks forth in song thusiy:
Ten little Judges" sitting In row:
People want q Congressman, the first one .nust
60"
Nine little editors-number easily reckoned
President wants Minister, calls for the second.
Eight little Wallaces-lives all ephemeral-
Sound Of war is heard-away goes the General