Montgomery County sentinel. [volume] (Rockville, Md.) 1855-1974, 1880-07-09
"A Matrimonial Dark Horse.


"A Matrimonial Dark Horse.
! Probably the meanest piece Of cold-booded
deception ever practiced upon woman oc-
CURED out In Western Addition the other
day. IL seems that the belle of that import
ant suburb of our municipality is Miss
Susan Smiley, and whom vigorous rumor,
kept in circulation by her less favored sister,
hood credited with being desperate little
frt--in fact, what Billy Rice, the minstrel,
used to call "a false-hearted crokay." At
oil events her affections were of sufficiently
Indefinite quality as to cause her two most
favored visltorsto look upon each other with
the most vindictive feelings common to
hated rivals. These gentlemen--who were
respedively city hall clerk, with eye
] glass@ and freckles, named Pliff, and red
heas&d dry goods manipulation called Diggs
occupied the intervalsdeyoted to gloomily
sitting each other out three evenings week
to hopeless attempts to discover which of
the two was to be the coming man in the
matrimonial race, so TO speak
Last Thursday morning Miss Smiley, in
response to business-like ring, admitted a
middle-aged party with black beard, and
long-tailed ulster.
81 am taking the census, num-" he said,
opening fiat book on the piano, and getting
out some blanks; "just look sharp, please,
and answer the necessary questions"
Miss Smiley trembled little, as women
always do for some reason, when talking TO
government official, and said she'd try
Lem'me see-your names Smiley, II be-
lieye-flrst namep"
"Susan"
"Middle namey'
Haven't got any sir"
Come now, young woman, no prevarca-
ton. Are you sure you haven't got mid
die name somewhere, and are trying to con-
ceal itp"
"No, sir; indeed haven't" said the young
lady, turning very pale; al would not de-
ceiye you"
You'd better not, mum. The penalty Is
fine Or twenty-five years at hard labor, or
both"
"Gracious mep
"Fact, mum. Now then, let's see what's
next. All yes-how often married2"
Not once yet"
"Ahum. Going To be, s'pose2 Been
asked, ehY"
ooh yes, sir, several times"
"Call it six times" said the census man,
making an entry. whats nextY Ahi
yes-is your back hair false2'
"M-m-must answer that2"
"Of course you must Don't trile with
the United States government num- Come
now"
swell, it's sorter-that Is kinder"
"Thatll do-we'll call 1t mixed Teeth
sounds"
"Dont get excited. Let's see-I'll put
your age down as twenty-five The United
States never allows us TO take woman's
age on oath. They will lie-cant help it.,
guess"
"Im Just eighteen. don't care whether
the government believes it or NOT said the
citizeness, snappishly.
"0f course, of course-they all say that.
Pay attention, please. What size corset?"
"Eh?"
| "Must answer mum. Remember the pen
atty. How many inches round the waist p
swell, if you must know-sixteen. But
think it's just shame"
"No remarks, please. Aheml Well call
II nineteen. They generally throw off about
three inches, find. Size Of shoeS'
"Two--but can wear one and a"
an return you as a No. 3. That's about
what 'threer always says. Any beaux ?"
| "W.w-wh-atp
81 say, any beaux Y-and be very careful
about your answer, num- The Washing
ton authorities are very particular on this
point. Has everything to do with the next
census, you see. Now how many sweet
hearts |"
"Well-of course-there are some gentle
men coming here-and-"
"Of course there are I've got you down
in the Good Looks space us "A. A. I. l..
handsome" So, of course, you have plenty
of admirers, All the government requires,
however, Is the principal ones"
"Wel," said the young lady, somewhat
Modified, "there Is Jimmy Plf, and Tom
Digs and"
"IIold up, right there Which Of 'em do
you intend 10 marry2" said the enumerator
of population earnestly.
"Ohl neither of them. There's---ahem ~
there's splendid gentleman named Scud-
bery---Charie Scudbery-perhaps you know
himS lie has big brown eyes and beauti-
ful curly hair, and"
,"And do these--these gcntlemen-Plif
and Diggs-know of the existence Of this
this fellow, Scudberyy"
'Ob, mol I'm too smart for that. Just
tag them along 10 buy ice cream and cara
mels, and take me 10 the theatre. It's the
biggest fun Charlie knows all about II, you
see, and he calls himself the-the--oh, yes
the dark horse
ooh, be docs, does he Z" rOared the census
man, jerking Off his wig and goggles and
revealed the enragod features Of Mr.. Thos.
Diggs ] wish him Joy Of his bargain, and
III give him just six months TO get divorce
from the most two-faced little cat on the
Pacific coastp And he banged the door
like piledrlyer behind time as he stalked
out SIM Franciso Post
A Danbury young man offended one Of
liz. LII. ..llI..