South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1880-06-04


There are several successful cases of
nose-grafting, but If surgical science will
discover some way to graft n mans nose
TO his own business exclusively. we will
call it SUCCESSFUL Grease Democrat.
Patrick saw bull paving in a field,
and thought bow amusing IL would be
TO jump over, catch him by the horns
and rub his nose in tho dirt. Tho idea
was so funny that he laughed TO think
of it. Tho moro he thought of i; the
funnier it seemed, and he determined to
do it. Bovius quickly tossed him over
the. feoce. Somewhat bruised, Patrick
leisurely picked himself up, with the ve
ny consolatory reflection "Well, it was
moighty lucky had my laugh foorst"
A case of domestic scandal was Under
discussion at a tea-ta6le. 'Weil, let us
think the best of her we ear, said an ell
DERBY spinster. Yes said another,
''and say the worss-tbat's the fashion"
The house fly, if in good health, can
lay 10000 eggs III season. The DAN
bury News thinks it pity fly can't be
grated on q hen.
a Boston dealer adver,ises shirts for
weddings. We protest against this trim.
ming the tail of shirt with orange bios
SONS as n sinful waste.
The editor of u newspaper that has a.
dopted phonetic spelling, in N assure,
received postal card from an old sub
scriber in the country, which read as fol-
lows: Il hcy TUX your paper for leven
yeres, but if you kant spell emmy better
than you have been doin fur the las to
months you may jes stoppit."
He had been sitting still so long that
the mother expected to find him asleep
when she looked around and asked,
"Well. Harry. what are you thinking
Off" Ma, are we very rich 2" he SOL
EMMY inquired. Father says he values me
at three million dollars, you at two mill
ion dollars and the baby at one" That
closed the conversation on that subject,
but next morning, as Harry was getting
on his overcoat he examined the new
patch which had been added. and coolly
observed: "Well, think father had be-.
ter sell off about half of you or the whole
of the baby, and get the res. of rs some
decent buds 10 put on
"Weli, my lad, where are you travel
ing this stormy weather all alone ?" ask.
ed an inquisitiye landlord, of small lad
whose father was engaged in smuggling,
ami had sent hia, young as he was, on
nm important message in advance OF the
party "Going to draw ny pension"
was tho reply. ''Persionr" echoed the
astonished landlord, "what does SO Small
u lad az you draw O pension for ?'-
Winding my own business, and letting
that of others aloner'
"Why do girls elope a. is the very in,
teresling query put by contemporary.
Well, there are various reasons, the prin
cipal ones being that the girls are dis
pleased with the way their mothers do
housework. and some girls hare tn idea
they can support husband. a good
many OF them do it too.
A little FIVE year old was being in-
structcd in morals by his grand mother.
The old lady told him that all such terms
"a "by golly," Shy jingo." "by thunder"
&C.. wero only little oatbs, and but lit
tie better than other profauities. In fact
she sail. he could tell a profane oath by
the prefix "by." All such were oaths.
well, then, grand mother" said the
little hopeful, sis by telegraph which
see in the newspapers. swearing p
NO" said the old lady, that's on :
ly lying"
One day Judge Black was surrounded
by bevy of his personal friends Oh the
floor OF the House, among the rest
Judge Mercer, then the Bradford Com
gresham, who turned to him and said {:
Judge Black, you have more friends or
this sido Of the House than on your own.
You ought 10 be n Republican. Ii you
would join us we would appreciate you,
and give you due prominence. To
which Judge Black male reply that lie
knew it ell TO be true the Republicans
wore good fellows; he would like TO
belong 10 them, and there was only one
thing in the way. IT, said he. there
was no hereafter, | would join the Ire Z.
publican party at once. Nothing de-
tiers me but the fear of bell
The front door oc q Peachtree street
residence was open the other day when
two ladies called on the mistress. a
little five year old was standing in The
doorway, and the callers had 10 need
to ring.
Where's mamma" asked one Of The
ladies.
SEES up tars dresih'," was the reply.
"Take these up TO mamma" said the
lady, as she handed the little one tho
cards.
Tho small maiden climbed up the
stairs and battered down again.
Mamma toxic tatds and told me 10