The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1880-04-24

A boy recently hanged himself because ''some-
body found fault with him. That boy was GER
tainly not born to be a country editor.
Lives of grocery men remind US
Thsy can make their starch half lime,
Putting sand all the time
Fashion understands that lady is in full
dress when the train Of her garments covers her
form, the spIttoon, and three squares Of Brussels
carpet at the same time
An Irishman, recommending a COW, said she
would give good milk year after year without
having calves, because il run in the breed, as she
came from n COW that never had a calf
A Maine man, who didn't care two shakes of a
lambs tail about the newspapers, rode fourteen
miles through a fierce snow storm to get copy
of a newspaper that spoke OF him IS a prom
inent citizen"
A Western paper wants to know ''W here the
next worlds fair will be held2'' We don't pro-
fess to know much about the next world, but in
these diggings Sunday night IS the favorite night
for holding the worlds fair.
The congregation sang ''We are going home to
die no more, IN a Westield (Mass.) church, and
an irreyerent fellow leaning over to a dyed dea-
con, said in a loud tone: Then you be gray
in q week.
When you see woman balancing herself on
one foot kicking the other wildly out behind her,
and skiIlfuIly swooping up in her hand Iantail
train, don't be alarmed; she isn't going to have
ft-she u about TO cross twelTe-Inch gutter.
A member Of the Scotch School Board recently
began an address to some children thus:-"NOo,
ma bairns COR a like sbips-some in the port,
some OOt in mid-ocean, an some near the haven
Ye're just Ieayin' the port; as for me, I'm hall
seas over
The Burlington Halrkeye tells pleasing story
OF selEsacrfcIug traveller who devoted his ener-
9ies to the work Of devOuring everything upon a
certain railroad station dining-eounter, and hav-
ing accomplished the feat walked away, saying:
There the next fellow that comes along here
will get something fresh
The gentleman who attracted attention in
church one week by crying out, holy Moses,
had no intention Of disturbing the congregation.
he bad been tGcking down carpets the day be-
fore, and Just ne sat down in his pew he sud
denly remembered that be had half a paper of
tacks in his Goa. skirt pocket.
An army officer Is retired when he gees out of
service. and a wheel is retired TO go into service
again When Sheriff releases a prisoner he
loses possession Of him, and when he releases
house he regains possession Of it, and this is a
bowling old language Of ours, ain it?-PhIfG
Press.
Doctor, feel sig all over, und de PEBBLES dell
me better take your fssicks.-Chemist: .'All
right sir. Will you take dose of salts or some
pills ?''-''Yell vat it cost for saulds ?'-''Three
pence, SIR. ."-ssAnd how mOOch for dem pills -
ssIl give you dose for the same price e''-''TOc-
tor, you don't got no secondhand fsickn pills,
do you?"
A gentleman who was given to boasting and
was apt to make critical comments on the COM
pany whenever be was invited out, said to Jer-
rold, 81 dined at the Marchoness' the other day,
and would you believe it, they had no fish -
Jerrold thought a moment, and then replied,
'Ahl well, l suppose they were all eaten up
stairs
Magistrate: lit seems, prisoner, that you took
fifteen pence from the prosecutors till. Now, l
to risk your character, your liberty, your whole
future, for such a trihe?" Prisoner: Certainly
not your worship; but did not know there was
not more in the till took all there was
Doctor: '.Bathe with great care, and don't fail
10 test the bath with the thermometer Nurse:
sSure phwat wud OF be afther doin wild a Their
mometer2 II the baby-bless him comes out
blue sure the wathur's too cold; and If the baby
bless him comes out red, sure the wather's
too hot Go away wild yer thermometer, doc
thor ~
man hugs his sweetheart with all fervor of
passionate devotion, he hugs his sister with
" and respectful and earnest affection, be hugs
bis wife with the deepest, strongest and purest
love OF his manhood, but when he hugs the inan-
innate and irresponsible cigar-stOre Indian-ah,
there is friendship, confidence, and an appealing
yearning for support and protection in his cling
ing embrace.
The following message, intended to break bad
news gently, was sent to the widow of man
who had just been killed by railroad accident:
Dear Madam: Your husband is unavoidably de-
tanned for the present. Tomorrow an under
tAker will call upon you with the fun particu-
lars