The Portland daily press., 1880-10-06

EngllShman at a recent bail, as he stumbled
over a lady's dress. NO" reioined she, sit
doesn't quite equalo one; it has caught only a
calf"
''What is the first thing to be done in case OF
FREE" asked Professor Stearns. "Sue the in.
surance company" promptly answered the
boy at the foot of the class, whose father had
been burned out once or twice.-Burlington
Hawkeye.
"How muJcally his hoof-beats sound!' ex-
claimed an enthusiastic lover Of the turf, as
st. Julian speeded around the course at Brigh-
ton las week. YES replied his matter-of-
fact companion; she is beating time. "-Bos-
ton Transcript.
Clergymen, lawyers and authors find Malt
Bitters pure and safe invigorant.
Major Dunnup-"Awfully dull down here,
isn't it, Miss Maria?" Miss Maria do you
think SO? Why don't you go, then? You're a
bachelor, and have only yourself to please"
Major Dunnup-"Only myself to please! You
don't know what doosed difficult thing that
is to do
just as Brooklyn citizen called his five
year-old son into the house the other day, a
playmate gave the boy slap in the face and
he ran to his father for protection. my son
said the fond father, "when a boy hits YOU
like that, you must always strike back" ooh,
papa, did. hit him yesterday"
Everything has cause; Tickling in the
throat, husking of voice, violent coughing,
etc., are the effects of bad cold. DR.. Bulls
Cough Syrup cures the cold at once. and re-
moves its serious effects.
We are about tired of seeing that everlast
lug warning to youth item entitled "Do not
exaggerate'' floating around in the papers
once more Especially when we run across it
four or five times month in journals that re-
late how Garfield once pulled a six-horse army
team and wagon out of the mud with one
hand, or solemnly set forth how, when only
eighteen years of age, Hancock prevented an
ocean steamer from driving full speed on the
rocks in a fog by jumping overheard and
Tending Off the vessel with his strong right
arm.-San Francisco Post.
Bogus Certificates.
1t is no vile drugged stuff, pretending to be
made OF wonderful foreign roots, banks, &c,
and pulled up by long bogus certificates Of pre-
tended miraculous cures, but mple, pure,
CACCtiVo m6uiCluo, lldue Ol well kuOWu, val
liable remedies that furnishes its own certif-
Gates by its cures. We refer to Hop Bitters,
the purest and best of medicines See anoth-
err column Republican.
Mr.. Setemup came down stairs to 10
o'clock breakfast with vacant countenance
and backward tendency in the hair that
made his two eyes ache. He sat down at the
table, and picking up his knife and fork glared
in uneasy wonder at something in the platter
before him. 1t had evidently been fried in
butter, and was intended for food Mr.. Set
emup harpooned it with his fork and lifted it
up bodily, gazing at it with ever increasing
wonder. "What under the sum- he ex-
claimed at last, sis this thing?" "Well' re-
piled his patient wife, with just shadow of
a sigh, it looks like your new soft felt hat, and
that is what l thought it was, but you pulled
it out of your pocket when you came home
this morning and said it was porter house
steak, and you wanted it broiled for breakfast
You needn't give me any of it, I'm not hun
cry" And Mr.. Setemup, who was just wild
to know what else he said when he came
home. and what time it was, for the life of him
didn't dare to ask.-Burlington Hawkeye.