The Cecil Whig. [volume] (Elkton, Md.) 1841-current, 1880-11-20
WHIRS: WISE HND WITTY.

Az a general rule. the folk>.WLo
ought to suckceed are those who do
The parlor sofa-the shorter it is The
longer you like to sit on it. with good
company.
A Keokuk man recently discovered
two oysters in a plate of soup, and he
playfully spoke of them as 4 pair oi slip
pers.
The price of a wife in Siberia is
eight dogs. The Siberian wife worth
her weight in sausage must be an extra
, -
ordinary woman.
The n. O. Pir0y",tc thinks Brooklyn
is in a very bad way. 1t says it has
" Small-p oN, diphtheria, measelS, a wafer
famine. bad whisky, Talmage and Beech
cr."
There is only one woman il the
world that is more unhappy than She
who wants to be married and can't -"
is the woman who wants to be married
and can't help it.
Go to bed with warm feet. an empty
stomach, and an unexcited brain. bc
sure and keep clear conscience. Then
shall your sleep be dreamless, and your
days long in the land.
Profanity never did any man tho
least good. No man is richer, or happief.
or wiser for it. 1t commends no one to
soci ty; it is disgusting to the refined.
and abominable to the good.
Some persons are capable OF making
great sacrifices. but few who are capable
of conce ,lng how much the effort l'as
cost them; and it is this concealmCEt
that constitutes their value.
In gazing upon the forbidden garden
that crowns some lofty hill inaccessible
t. us. we may forget the fruits ana tie
flowers that are lying in profuSon at oar
feet untasted and unapprecated
When a fellow goes out Of the thea
ter to see man, he eats a little b"rut
coffee, and always finds his man. When
a woman looks under the bed for a man.
she never thinks to eat any coffee and
she finds nobody.
1t isn't the yellowest pumpkin that
makes the best pie. 1t is the rosy
checked. dimpled elbowed farmer girl
that does that. But don't 90 too fast
Young man. Her answers are som times
as short as her pie crust.
&c And he opened wide his arms and
took her in are the concluding words
of a touching love story. No doubt she
was considerably taken in when She dis
covered after marriage that the "nlI
shirt that he owned was the one hc had
borrowed.
A guest at fashionable hotel TOOK
his seat at the dinner table. but no one
appearing to wait upon him he remarked:
Have they any walters i'll this hotel:
Yes" responded a wag on the opposite
side of the the table, "the boarders arc
the walters"
1t is astonishing how completely
some people can be absorbed i'll their
own thoughts. A prominent candidate,
who gives up the whole of his mind 10
politics, met a prominent church MEM
ber who remarked that his church had
Just got an organ. 81 hope it will sup
port the regular nominees, was the
absent-minded reply.
AT legal investigation of a Liquor
seizure the judge asked an unwilling Wit
ness. what was in the barre You
had?' The reply was: "Well, Iour
honor, it was marked whisky on orc
end of the barrel and Pat Duffy on
the other end, SO | can't say whether il
was whisky or Pat Duffy in the barre,
being as | am on my oath
=" Anything new or fresh this morn
iug?" a reporter asked in railroad OF
ice. yes" replied the lone occupant
If the apartment. "What is it,
queried the reporter, whipping out h.
notebook. Said the railroad man. eGLiuG
his way toward the door, THAT paint
YOU are leaning against" The railroad
man is now in the hospital, and the re-
porter is in Jail.
The Jersey justice wiped his brow.
took a sip of cold water, put on lis
glasses and looked at the man who Wa
standing with his hands on the rail in
Front of him. Said he, in a tone. thu
sternness of which was tempered Will
uncertainty and measured calmncs~.
What are you here ior?' " Iou told
ne. judge. to come this morning and g
The five dollars that won on Indiana.
Five dollars fine, young fellow: anu
that makes it SQUARE.