Connecticut western news., 1880-12-15
WIT AND WISDOM.

you absent.
 AN APT quotation is as good as an original remark.
 EVERY one complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
 NOTHING is more dangerous than 8 friend without discretion.
 THERE is merit without elevation, but no elevation without merit.
 QUENcHED fire underlies the richest growths of faith and usefulness.
 MUCH as tf4e monkey surpasses man in agility, he cannot run up bills as easily.
 THERE are doctors who could not cure ham if some one did not first tell what ailed it.
 SOMEBODY has discovered that man does not stare long at a woman, unless she stares back.
 THE Rochester Herald says the Mis- sissippi River is as low as the neck of a Windsor Palace party dress.
 To REMOVE superhuous hair-Send your well-filled mattress to be done over by cheap upholsterer.
 TWISTED boys smoke hay-secd in corn- cob pipes. And yet there are peoplewho assert that the love of agricultureis is run ming out in Connecticut.
 IN THE matter of where all the pins go to, Bridgeport woman can furnish { c,, al ;,fo 4,o,, oo {o 41,o 1oufi- nation of one of them, she having swal- lowed it.
 l TIE worst hit at big mouth we ever heard was perpetrated by an unregen- erated sinner on Quincy girl. He said he could see her smile when her back was turned. ..
 WHAT baby would think it worth its while to go through the wear and tear of growing-up if he knew that he were to become Q freight brakeman or drug gists's clerk? ......
 FDaETY LADY" But what am to do? can't ride with my back to the engine" Insolent Youth - " Better speak to the conductor He'll turn the train round to oblige you"
 A RUSSIAN claims to have found new substitute for rubber. It is strongly suspected that while travelling in this country recently, he tackled ham sand
 wich at railway restaurant. T THE Rev. MT. Sniffkins has recorded it in his diary that three conspicuous low-necked frocks in congregation
 will neutralize the effect of the best discourse that ever was preached.
 ONE feels complimented if you tell him that he has a heart of oak, but if
 you carry the simile still further, and
 tell. him that he has Q wooden head also,
 he is apt to feel that you are carrying,
 the joke little too far.
 A PRUDENT man had his portrait
 painted recently. His friends com plained to him that it was much too old. "That's what ordered" said he.
 "It will save the expense of another
 one ten years from now"
 MASTER TOMMY "Mother dear, , do you think Oscar would save little
 girls life if she fell into the water ?" Mother 1T dare say he would, dear. :"
 Master Tommy: "Oh, then, mother
 dear, do throw sister Totsy in." IT TAKES five gallons of whisky to cure an elephants cold, and, since the
 fact came out, seven New York men } have boen sent to insane asylums, as nothing can convince them that they are not elephants suffering with colds. MOONEY went home the other night afflicted with double vision. He sat for some time with his sleepy gaze riveted on Mrs. M., and then complacently re- marked: "Well, (hic) I hope t holler,
 f you two gals don't look 'nough alike to be (hic) twins" ve' , As THE time for employing plumbers
 is upon us, says an exchange, get the steps to the trap on the roof of your house set up. No plumber can tell what ails the kitchen drain until he has been up on the roof, and if the steps are all ready it saves so much time.
 GENTLEMEN of the jury" said 8
 Western lawyer, "I don't mean to in
 sinuate that this man is covetous per- son, but will bet five to one that if you should bait steel trap with new shilling, and place it within six inches of his mouth, you would catch his ' soul."
 "So YOU enjoyed your visit to the menagerie, did you?" inquired liar lem young man of his adored one's little sister. "Oh, yes. And do you ' know, we saw camel there that screwed !, its mouth and eyes around awfully, and sister said it looked exactly as you do , when you are reciting poetry ~t the church sociables." .ts &a :, A YOUNG exquisite on shipboard turned the casual remark of young , lady into compliment, and naturally ,, enough, for he was of opinion that no one could talk to him long without com plimenting him. He said, with mock modesty, "NIiss, you fatter me-" The r. gruff old captain was going by, and whispered to the second officer, Jovel
 I don't believe any one could make him
 f1att.,r than he is. :"