The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1880-05-22
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
"Dey say dars pervishuns in de Constitution
fur de kuIlured man, :" said the old fellow sadly,
{" but hainE seen de fust crumb-"
"a Now said the school trustee to an appli-
cant for a situation, - we know that q C and
10 vowels, but what we want to know 10, why IS
they voweIs-"
freedman was killed by boiler explosion in
New Orleans, and his monument bears this in
scription T" Sacred to the memory Of our steem-
ed friend"
An English woman has ordered from a New
York jeweler n bangle bracelet worth $4,000.
Even with nothing on but her bracelet and one
harpiu that woman would be expensively
dressed.
I" Resigned for more congenial duties, is the
way an exchange puts it, referring to young
lady who has given mp school teaching to get
married. Il is to be hoped her antIcipations will
be realized.
Thomas Jefferson is said to have been the only
smart man that ever lived, who parted bis hair
in the middle. The sensible woman who banged
hers has not been heard from. Correspondence
solicited.
A SUNDAY School teacher in this city has q boy
in her class who has not failed in his penny con-
tribution for more than year, and when he was
found empty-handed last Sabbath the teacher OBJ
served; "Why, Johnny, did you forget your PEN
ny to-day7 "No, ma'am," he humbly replied,
'sbut father says the Wabash road will do this
town more good than any fourteen Sunday schools,
and I'm going TO chuck my copPers into that en-
terprise for the next few weeks" won't the
heathen miss your pennIes?' she queried. 81
'spose they will, but we've got to come right
down or this town is busted.-DefrOn Free Press.
A parting gIass-The maiden's final look in the
mirror at her new hat
Merely because be tied her up with a clothes
lIne poured kerosene over her, and was about to
light her, Mrs. Walton Of Plymouth, Conn, is
suing for divorce.
,sGeorgs, dear, don't you think it's rather ex-
traya9ant of you eat butter with that delicious
iam7" ''No, love; economical. Same piece of
bread does for both"
IL has become very fashionable to have the
walls decorated with worked notices, but no eye
ever sees that motto, ssBase is the slave who
pays" adorning the walls Of a beer saloon.
They say that profanity was not known in the
world until one day, somewhere about 500 years
before the Christian era, when Aristides. chasing
from his Office in desperate haste catch the last
street car, was stopped by Themistocles, who
wanted TO tell him how the rheumatism bad been
troubling him nearly all winter, and how many
things he had tried Tor it.
..No use in my trying to collect that BILL sir"
said collector to his employer, handing the dis
honored document to the latter. "Why p "The
man who should pay it is mon est, replied the
collector Then take il and collect it, sir. A
snon est man will not fail to meet his oblIga-
tions."
A store was broken one night, but, strange to
say, nothing was carried of. The proprietor was
making his brag Of il, at the same time express
ing his surprise at losing nothing. "Not all
surprising said his neighbor; "the robbers
lighted a lamp, didn't they?" YES was the
reply. "WelI, continued the neighbor. "they
found your goods marked up so high that they
coulcn't afford to take them"
"Madam, :" said doctor one day to the moth
er Of sweet, healthy babe, ''the ladies have de-
puted me TO inquire what you do to have suoh
lovely, happy. uniformly good child 2" The
mother mused for a moment over the strangeness
of the question, and then replied simply and
beautifully: s'Why, God has given me healthy
child, and let II alone"
ssVhat did your mother say, my little man
Did you give her my cardP' asked an inexperi-
enced youpg gentleman of little boy whose
mother had given him an invitation to call upon
her and whose street door was accordingly open
ed 10 bis untimeIy SUMMONS. by the urchin afore-
SAID. s'Yes, gave it TO her, }" was the innocent
renlv and she said If you were not a nat raj born
fool, You wouldn't come on Monday morning,
when everybody was washin' ~
How TO DO r.-"Bob, the Sea-COOk, F" tells IN
the New York Times how ladies' may peel onions
zitbout crviuZ over them: 'She came on board
AZ pretty as q daisy. and as sweet and fresh as an
elegant makeup could make her, There was
ehattering aft, on the yacht, what they would
have for dinner, and il was agreed, TOR fun, that
ls was cnOWoer, eaCu Ouc N1S " w
for the same You have got TO peel and chop up
them onions, says dandy kind Of fellow to the
pretty E:rl. Agreed said she, not wincing
BIZ, and they all laughed and pitied at hsr:
When the time came for fixing up things, kind OF
urged 70 IT. brought that pretty girl peck OF
The dreiest onions-real red-skin Oues-you ever
sueIled. There is going to be q lot OF crying.
thinks I; IF that would be the only sorrow IN her
life y Says she 20 me; MIR. Robert, do you haul
me a bucket Of water and did it. Now, says
abe. siust put them there onions in that there
water and did It. Then she tsok on her white
fingers lot Of rings, and put them in her pocket,
and asked for q knife, and The onions being IN the
ard nery a tear came nor nothing. Now says
she. holding out the tips Of her pretty fingers,
svho will be gallant enough to kiss these?' See
in9 I was cook, didn't like 70 be so bold, but
there was half dozen OF tne men VINO trsneo ~ i1r-
49, ans of course had no chance. That's the
way learned bow ladies can peel onions, and not
CRY over them"