davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13
ssSmall Fruits"

The following is from the Burlington
HaaUkeye:
"I lust rolled out here from the gro
cery," said the little green apple, as it
paused on the sidewalk for a moments
chat with the banana peel; ST am waiting
here for boy. Not small, weak, deli
cate boy added the little green apple,
proudly, 'sbut great big boy-a great,
bulky, strong, leather-lunged, noisy
fifteen-year-older and, little as I am, you
will see me double up that boy tonight,
and make him wall and howl and yell.
Oh, I'm small, but I'm good for ten
acre field of boys, and don't you forget
it. All the boys in Burlington, the lit
tie green apple went on, with just a shade
OF pitying contempt in its voice,
Couldn't fool around me as any one of
them fools around banana"
''Boys seem to be your game, drawled
the banana peel, lazily; "well, I suppose
they are just about strong enough to
afford you little amusement. For my
own part, I like to take somebody of my
own size. Now there comes the kind of
a man usually do business with. He is
large and strong, it is true, but"
And just then South Hill merchant,
who weighs about 231 pounds when he
feels right good, came along, and the
banana peel just caught him by the foot,
lifted him about as high as the awning
post, turned him over, banged him down
on potato basket, fattened it out until
it looked like splint door mat, and the
shock Jared everything loose in the
show window. And then, while the
fallen merchant gathered himself from
various quarters of the globe-his silk
hat from the gutter, his spectacles from
the cellar, his handkerchief from the tree
box, his cane from the show window,
and one of his shoes from the caves
trough, and boy ran for the doctor, the
little green apple blushed red and
shrunk little out of sight, covered with
awe and modification.
.'Ah," it thought, ST wonder if can
ever do that? Alas, how vain was, and
yet how poor and weak and useless am
in this world.
But the banana peel comforted it, and
bade it look up and take heart, and do
well what it had to do, and labor for the
good of the cause in it's own useful
sphere. '.True," said the banana peel,
lyon cannot lift up 200 pound man and
break cellar door with him, but you
can give him the cholera morbus, and, if
you do your part, the world will feel
your power and-the medical colleges will
call you blessed"
And then the little green apple smiled
and looked up with grateful bushes on
its face, and thanked the banana peel for
its encouraging counsel And that very
night, an old father, who writes thirteen
hours day, and patient mother, who
was almost ready to sink from weariness,
and nurse and doctor sat up until
nearly morning with a thirteen-year-old
boy, who was all twisted up the shape of
figure 8, while all the neighbors on that
block sat up and listened and pounded
their pillows and tried to sleep and
wished that boy would either die or get
we'll.
And the little green apple was pleased,
and its last words were, "At least I have
been of some little use in this world"
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13
An Engineers Need of Nerve.

Unquestionably the bravest men
upon the foot-boards of the locomo-
tives which draw the fast express
trains. But few persons are aware
of it, but on the leading railways,
whore connections must be made if
possible, only engineers known to
be brave and daring are given en-
gines on express trains, and as soon
as an engineer shows the least
timidity about running fast, he is
taken from his engine and given one
on freight train to run. Two such
cases have occurred recently on In
dianapolis roads. Railroad officers
state that the first sign that an engi-
neer is becoming timid is, that he
will be FIVE or ten minutes late, possi..
bly, a half hour, for some days or
nights in succession. He is then
called to an account, and unless his
reasons are convincing another engi-
neer is given his engine to run for
few times, and should he bring the
train in promptly on time, the first
ubluCA CHS SihSSi S5Sbc - AbSiE5ho SA%Ih
engine to run until he braces up. 1t
is stated, however, that alter an
engineer allows bis timidity to get
fair hold, he seldom SO far oyercomes
it as to have the bravery to step on
to an express train engine and run it
at the speed necessary to make the
time. Quite recently an engineer of
one Of the roads running west from
here got the impression that some
accident was TO happen to him, and
one night, when running fast ex-
press, he constantly lost time. At
the first station the conductor be-
rated him for running so slow. The
engineer actually shed tears, and
owned that fears had overcome him,
and that he dare not run fast, and at
his own request an engineer of
freight train which stood at the
meeting point was given the train to
run through that night, the conduc-
tor telegraphing the train-master,
asking that the request be granted.
The timid engineer has since run a
freight on the road.
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13
Wetting Lead Pencils.

The act of putting lead pencil to the
tongue, to wet it, just before writing,
which we notice in SO many people, is
one of the oddities for which it is hard to
give any reason-unless it began in the
days when lead pencils were poorer than
now, and was continued by example into
the next generation.
A lead pencil should never be wet. It
hardens the lead and ruins the pencil
This fact is known to newspaper men
and stenographers. But nearly every
one else does wet a pencil before using
it. This fact was definitely settled by
newspaper clerk away down East.
Being of mathematical turn of mind,
he ascertained by actual count that of so
persons who came into his Office to write
an advertisement or church notice, 40
wet a pencil in their mouths before
the best pencils, cherishing a good one
with something of the pride soldier
feels in his gun or sword, and it hurts
his feelings to have his pencil spoiled.
But politeness and business considera-
tions require him to loan his pencil
scores of times every day. And often
after it had been wet until it was hard
and brittle and refused to mark, his feel
ings would overpower him.
Finally he got some cheap pencils and
sharpened them, and kept them to lend.
The first person who took up the stock
pencil was drayman, whose breath
smelt of onions and whiskey He held
the point in his mouth and soaked it for
several minutes, while he was torturing
himself in the effort to write an adver-
tisement for missing bulldog.
Then a sweet-looking young lady came
into the Office, with kid gloves that but
toned half the length of her arm. She
picked up the same old pencil and press
ed it to her dainty lips preparatory to
writing an advertisement for lost brace
let. The clerk would have stayed her
hand, even at the risk of box of the
best pencils Faber catered, but he was
too late.
And thus that pencil passed from
mouth to mouth for week. It was
sucked by people of all ranks and sta
tions, and all degrees of cleanliness and
uncleanliness. But we forbear Surely
no one who reads this will ever again wet
lead pencil .aA1 Minneapolis Tribune
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13
A Tramp's Revenge.

A few days since one of the seediest
sort of tramps, seemingly about 30 years
old, attached himself to a free lunch sa
loon on Monroe Avenue, and soon felt
perfectly at home. When ordered out,
he went out, but the trouble was he
wouldn't stay out. As last resort he
was kicked out, but in an hour came
back and seemed so humble and forgiv-
ing that the proprietor didn't like to give
him any more cowhide. After day or
two % different plan was tried. The
ssvag' had several times referred to pain
in the chest, and the bar-keeper mixed
him mp cure In ten minutes after
drinking it he was excitedly informed
that he had been given a large dose of
morphine by mistake. A party was at
hand to play doctor, and it was decided
that the tramp must walk until he over
came the influence of the drug. One and
another took turns with him untilhe had
put in about four hours in the back yard,
and he was then to walk in the country
at least five miles to make his cure GER
tain. He took the case very cody, never
protesting word, and as he started for
the green fields it was supposed the sa-
loon had seen the last of him. Never
theless, he returned in about four hours,
lAllo Ill GU0 lelt Icy, SOfcIou Will uuSo,
and apparently almost exhausted. He
said that he had walked in vain. Find
ing that death had determined to claim
him, he had returned to die with his
friends. Before they could protest he
fell to the floor, breaking the back off a
chair and upsetting table, and after
few kicks he was dead. A pint of good
brandy was wasted in rubbing him; the
saloon closed for an hour in the face of o
big business, and an undertaken and Cor
oner called before the old chap let any
one know that he wasn't dead. He came
to in some sort of fit which required a
great deal of kicking, and he took good
care that every kick counted on some
thing. When sufficiently restored to sit
up, he was given nearly a pint of wine,
and as his strength increased, he got
away with enough lunches for four men.
It was then deemed good policy to hand
him half dollar and turn him out upon
the world. just how much profit the
saloon keeper made in playing the NOR
phine trick, is what will puzzle him for
week to come.
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13
Cold Cabbage.

George Abrahams was extravagantly
fond o. cold cabbage. and, one day,
seeing that quite a dishful was LETT
after dinner, asked his wife if she
would save it for his salad at night.
About midnight George came home
laboring under a stress of heavy
weather. Feeling hungry, and thinking
of his favorite cabbage, he asked where
it was.
His wife replied: sIn the pantry, on
the second shelf.
Down he went, found the cabbage,
got out the oil, mustard and vinegar,
cut up the cabbage, dressed it to the
queens taste, and ate it all.
In the morning his wife noticed the
plate of cabbage where she had placed
it the night before, and, turning to her
''dear George" innocently asked him
why he did not eat the cabbage.
81 did," he said.
"How did you like it?"
s.Oh, not very well; 1t was tough and
stringy.'
But here is the cabbage; where did
you find any more?"
why, on the second shelf, where
you told me.
A quick glance at the shelf by the
wife, and then a cry of agony.
Why. George, you have eaten $40
worth of lace collars and cuffs that had
put in starch; stringy cabbage, indeed. =
The examiner is trying to xplain to the
fat-headed listeners the character ofa mir
acle. He asks a scholar, s'What is mir
acle? ?n sI don't know. sir" "If-a!l at
once-the sun appeared in the heavens
at night, what would you say it was 2"
l. Q,sf Il
was the sun. what would you say 2" I'd
say it was lie', Now, I never lie.
Suppose told you it was the sun r. The
scholar, after moments deep reflection,
bobbed his head. Please, sir, I'd say you
were drunk
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13
Latest Medical Endorsements,
MARrINEz. CAL. Feh. M.

MARTINEZ, Cal, Feb. IL, 1879.
W. j. Herne, Proprietor California Elastic
Truss Co., 7U2 Market street, S. F.-Sir: In re-
gard to your California Elastic Truss, would say
that have carefully studied its mechanism, ap-
piled it in practice, and do not hesitate to say
that for all purposes for which Trusses are worn
1t is the best Truss ever offered to the public
Yours truly, J. H. CARorHERs, M. D.
Endorsed by a, prOminens Medical In.
sGiute
SAN FRANCISCO, March g. 1879.
w. j. Horne, Esq.-Sr: You ask my opinion
of the relative merits of your Patent Elastic
Truss, as compared with other kinds that have
been tested under my observation, and in reply
frankly state that from the time my attention
was first called TO their simple, though highly
mechanical and philosophical construction, to-
gether with easy adjustibility to persons of all
ages, forms or sizes add this further testimony
with special pleasure, that the several persons
who have applied to me for aid in their special
cases of rupture, and whom have advised to use
yours, all acknowledge their entire satisfaction,
and consider themselves highly favored by the
possession of the improved Elastic Truss.
Yours truly, BARLpw j. SMiTn, M. D.
Proprietor Hygienic Medical Institute,
G35 California street. San Francisco
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13
WEEKLY CORVALLIS GAZETTE.
FALsTAKF TO rHE BARTENDER.

Fal.-Bardolph, say!
Bard.-Here, sir.
Fal.-Go brew me a quart of sack, thou dog.
Bard.-With an egg, sir7
Fal.-Aye, with q goose egg.
Bard.-And strong?
Fal.--Strong as q steam stump-ppller;
With alcohol, red pepper and gun cotton,
And with rifro glycerine, thou NANCY one!
Make 1t rise up and seize man
By the throat like q fierce Numidfan lion!
Have lived to be carried in a basket
And thrown into the Thames, begaud!
II be served such another trick
I'll have my brains ta'en out
And replaced with apple sass.
The rogues slighted me in to the river
With as little remorse as they should
Had run with the machine in politics.
] should have drowned but that the shore
Was shetvy and Pm tallest when m down,
And It's q death do abhor;
For, you know, IL swells a man SO;
And what a David Davis would be
II were swelled!
Ppfr.oLealna Ufa..Id
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13

THE CURSE AT WoRK.-A singular
fact is noted in connection with the
sarcophagus of Ashmenezer, King of
Sidon, now deposited at the Louvre, the
inscription of which has just been de-
ciphered. It is in effect like that of
Shakspeare's tomb, uttering curse
upon whomsoever should remove the
monarch's bones. 1t further declares
that such robbers shall leave no de-
scendents, but shall be driven from their
their country. The Duke de Luynes
bought the sarcophagus; he and his own
son were killed in the Papai war of 1859.
Again Napoleon III. brought it to Paris
and deposited it in the Louvre; he died,
was buried in foreign land, and his
only son died at the hands of sayages in
a strange country. There is not de-
scendent left Of Napoleon III. or of the
Duke de Luynes.
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13

The Detroit Free Press says: The Mil
waukee house of correction is now run
on the moral suasion plan, and it is said
that the worst old topers look almost as
happy as angels when they get two chalk
marks for Eeing good all day.
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13

AAA WEEK in your own town and no
VIH capital risked. You can give the
~ III business trial without expense.
VVVThe best opportunity ever offered for
those willing to work. You should try nothing
else until you see for yourself what you do at
the business we offer. No room TO explain here.
You can devote all your time or only your spare
time to the business, and make great pay for
every hour you work Women make as much
as men. Send for special private terms and par
ticulars, which we mail free. Sc outfit free.
Don't complain of hard times while YOU have
sach a chance. Address H. HALLETT Il CO..
Portland, Maine, 16:31y1
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13

CURED.
From n Mercha hant.
DAYTON, w. T., Feb.

DAYTON, W. T., Feb. 10, 1879
". J. Horne, Proprietor California Elastic
Truss Co., 702 Market street, San Francisco-Sr:
The Truss purchased of you about one year ago
has proved miracle to me. / have been ruptur-
ed forty years, and worn dozens of different kinds
OF Trusses, all of which have ruined my health,
as they were injurious to my back and spine.
Your valuable Truss is as easy as an old shoe and
is worth hundreds of dollars to me, as it affords
me so much pleasure. can and do advise all,
both ladies and gentlemen, afflicted, to buy any
wear your modern improved Elastic Truss imme-
diately. never expect to be cured, but am
satisfied and happy with the comfort it gives me
to wear it. 1t was the best $40 ever invested in
my life. You can refer any one to me, and
will be glad to answer any letters on its merrits
remain, yours respectfully,
d. RuNNETJ
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13
A REMARKABLE CURE.

SAN FRANCISCO, Oct 26, 1879.
W. j. Horne, Proprietor California Elastic
Truss, 702 Market street, San Francisco-Sir l
am truly grateful to you for the ewonderful CURE
your valuable truss has effected my little boy.
The double truss purchased from you has PER.
FECTLY CURED him of his painful rupture on
both sides in little over six months. The steel
truss he had before | bought yours caused him
cruel torture, and it was happy day for us all
when he laid it aside for the CALlFoRNIA ELASTIC
Truss. I am sure that all will be thankful who
are providentially led to give your truss trial.
You may refer any one to me on this subject.
Yours truly, WM. PERU,
638 Sacramento Street.
This is to Gritty that have examined the son
of VIM Peru, and find him PERFECTLY
CURED of Hernia on both sides.
L. DEXTER LYFoRD, M. D.
Surgeon and Physician.
1fnsses toroarded to all parts Of the United States
at our expense receipt Of price
Send Stamp for Ilus trated catalogue
and Price List.
Giving full information and rules for measuring.
California Elastic Truss Co.
702 Market Street, S. F.
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13

The game of Smith was saved by Po-
cahontas trumping her fathers club with
a soft heart.
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13
The Flight Of the Hawk.

We had the good fortune to see a
peregrine falcon wheeling round some
low lands on the right of the road to
York in slow, wide and majestic circles,
and naturally discussed the object of
such singular flight, which seems to be
common to the hawk tribe in all parts of
the world. Often have we seen them on
American marshes lowering with ex
panded, motionless wings, and, with a
slight flutter at the end OF each circle,
mount up to the altitude they had lost.
Some old-fashloned works on natural
history speak of these circles as intended
to dismay the prey that hawks wish to
capture, and say that they lessen them
until they find them within their reach;
but against this it must be said that,
with the exceeding feetness and keen
sight of hawk, all prey he wishes for is
very much within his reach the moment
he sees it; and, as my very intelligent
companion said, a hawk when after his
prey generally flies low and with some
what the motion of an owl. He usually
keeps along hedge-rows or the side of a
plantation, and very easily finds sup
per. I was pleased to hear theory
had formed in America confirmed, for
when waiting for wild ducks we used TO
see these birds of prey soaring around in
great sweeps, and it seemed most proba-
BILE that they were only taking an airing;
indeed, they appeared to be almost in a
dreamy state, for even after hearing
shot they would circle round very prob
ably within easy reach of gun. My
game-keeper friend quite confirmed this;
and, as the passage in Macbeth occurred
to me at the moment, I quoted the
words:
son TUESDAY last
A falcon towering in her pride of place
Was by a m ousing owl hawked at and illed.'
He said that he could well believe this
was an actual scene, as when owls are
hungry they will take birds in the air,
and he might have mistaken the falcon
easily for more dainty meal. In the
course of our conversation I learned that
two years previously bastard had been
shot in these parts of Yorkshire, and two
more had been seen. Now, of course,
such birds are regarded as extinct,
though at the same time not fewer than
five had been seen on Salisbury Plains,
and one saw in the hands of the bird
suffer. It is great pity that such no.
BILE birds should be allowed to die out,
or, rather, to be exterminated; and we
should do well to initiate the Americans
in their. generous protection of native
fowl, and even stop shooting for season
when the gunner threatens to extermi-
nate any particular species.
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13
Fool Friends.

Nothing hurts man, nothing hurts a
party so terribly as fool friends.
A fool friend is the sewer of bad news,
of slander and all base and unpleasant
things.
A fool friend always knows every mean
thing that has been said against You and
against the party.
He always knows where your party
is losing, and the other is making large
gains.
He always tells you of the good luck
your enemy has had.
He implicitly believes every story
against you, and kindly suspects your
defence.
A fool friend is always full of a kind of
stupid candor.
He is SO candid that he always believes
the statements of an enemy.
He never suspects anything on your
side
Nothing pleases him like being shocked
by terrible news concerning some good
man.
He never denies lie unless it is in your
favor.
He is always finding fault with his
party and is continually begging pardon
for not belonging to the other side.
he Is If1gntlully anxious tnaJ all MS
candidates should stand well with the op-
position.
He is forever seeing the faults of his
party and the virtues of the other.
He generally shows his candor by
scratching his ticket.
He always searches every nook and
corner of his conscience to find reason
for deserting friend for principle.
In the moment of victory he is mag
unanimously at your side. In defeat he
consoles you by repeating prophecies
made after the event.
The fool friend regards your reputa-
tion as common property, and as COM
mon prey for all the vultures, hyenas
and jackals.
He takes sad pleasure in your mis-
fortunes.
He forgets his principles to crafty
your enemies.
He forgives your maligner and SLAM
derer with all his heart.
He is SO friendly that you cannot kick
him.
He generally talks for you, but gener-
ally bets the other way.-Col. r. g. In
gers0H.
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13

The IDEAL SMoKER.-'Tis delight to
watch him. Lazily leaning back in his
chair with his feet on the table, he gently
draws into his system the fragrant aro-
matte smoke, and removing his cigar
carefully from his mouth, lest the white
ashes should fall, he blows into the air
succession of yaporous circles, watches
them float for second, expand and break
into ethereal blue. He sees in them
bright visions, satisfying day dreams,
and he again inhales from his brown
Havana the gentle narcotic that soothes
his nerves and gives him unbounded rest
from business cares. If we could be sure
of enjoying cigar as this man does. we'd
learn to smoke before night, if it laid us
on bed of sickness for week.-fNew
Haven Register.
NJ. Guizot. while on visit to Lord
Aberdeen, in Scotland, was talking to him
i'll the park one day about the English
system of elections, when his host stop
ped before cottage. This little house.
he said "recalls to me shameful deed in
my political life" What an act of vio
lence? You shall hear had as tenant
here an independent fellow, who ANNOYED
me horribly. In every election he stren-
uously opposed me. made up my mind,
to be rid of him." EIa! you turned him;
out 2" No. reduced his rent by u guinea,
and destroyed his qualification A mean
trick, and I've always been ashamed Of it,
The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-08-13
H,LL's Pa1ENT CONCRETE
FIRE-PROOF SAFES.

Have been tested by the most disastrous conia-
grations in the country.
They thoroughly fire proof
They are free lruln dampness.
Their superiority is beyond question.
Although about $50 900 Of these safes are now
in use, and hundreds have been tested by some
of the most disastfo;,s cenflagr.itions i'll the
country, there is not single instance record
wherein of them failed TO preserve its
contents perfectly.