The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1880-03-05
CLEANS OF HUNoR.

A Pennsylvania MAJ. has hog fifty
years old. This must be ancient grease.
II rains alike on the just and on the
INFUSION the just mainly because the
unjust haye borrowed their umbrellas.
A little snow, u little breeze, little
thaw. q little freeze, little draft, and
Observation-Disclosures great big
sneeZe.
The Free Press says that although fen
gate. That is SO good a pun that we
picket up.
Birds are entitled to justice. When
man is INDUCING in u frolic, to say he is
''out on lark is libel on that bird.
He is really out on a swallow.
"My darling" said he, ''what delic-
ious taste your lips have" Then she
jumped up and yelled, Goodness John,
have you been eating my lip salveE"
The list of names which appears in
the Sunday Times this morning is not
directory of the city, but only list of
the candidates for alderman to be voted
for two months hence.-Chicago Times.
"You have not given me my change"
SsAiNt iAAC ENitiGuAdll " lllC SOltfOA-hGNIJSIs
81 gave you a five dollar bill you know"
"Shange, shange?' was the astonished
reply; ''vot you mean: Wasn't you a
candidate, don'd it?
Marriage license was granted this week
at Little Rock to Isaac Elder, aged sew
enty-two, and Miss Tunnah Stokes aged
seventy. They had been in love from
their youth up, but extreme mOdesty
prevented them from telling each other
so.
4 good Rochester pastor, n wIdower,
proposed to young lady Il short time
since, but was rejected. His feelings
had the second severe test yesterday,
when n widow neighbor sent him the
following text TO preach from; "Yeu ask
and receive not, because you ask a miss.
james iv, 3.
Joseph Cook once remarked that the
aggregation Of bioplastic germs eviden-
ces an irresistible tendency to correllate
the molecules in inverse ratio to the ca
pillary process of differentiation" III
you say that again" said the person adj
dressed, turning pale with anger, Il will
hit you with club"
One of the lady teachers in a Reno
public school a few days since was la
boring -with an Crchin on the science of
simple division. This is what came OF
it: Now, Johnny, if you had an orange
which you wished TO divide with YOU
| little sister, how much would you give
her" Johnny: "A suck."-aeno Ga
zette.
Old Nickelpinch's grandson called his
attention To Il bird the other day. "That'I
no bird" began the old man. 'Why
| yes It Is, grandpapa," interrupted the
boy; don't you see it pick up tho
crumbs at the door?'' That's no bird,
repeated Nickelpinch, when the young
ster again yelled, Il say it is Il bird, anC
| I'll leave 1t to grandma if 1T amt
THAT snow Bird calmly remarked
grandpa, sis the first one have seen thi
season."
Little Nellie was looking ut some pic
lures of Wild animals when Mr.. Jinkin
called, and appealed to that gentleman
to explain one of the pictures. That i
a wild boar said he; and TIE little lad,
looked at it thoughtfully and replied
at doesn't look like you, does it, MI
Jenkins!'' Il hope not" responded tn
guest. "Why?' Because said the ar
less infant, "mamma said when you
card was sent up, There is that oil
bore jenkins again.
Once in travelling, Rev. Dr. Bledso
was exceedingly annoyed by a pedanti
bore who forced himself upon him, an
made great parade of his shallow learI
ing. The doctor endured it as long &
he could, and at length, looking at hiI
gravely, said: MY friend, you and
; know all that is to be known. "How
that?" said the man, pleased with whi
: he thought very complimentary asse
Grafton. why" said the doctor, ''yo
, know everything except that you arc
fool, and / know that
We have received. copies of Ayers a
manac printed in English, French, &c
man, Dutch, Norwegian, Swedish
> Spanish, Portuguese, and few otht
languages, and shall notice them mol
at length after we have carefully rsal
each one. The man who stands on I'll
e first page of the book with his interiC
t department exposed, as if he had bee
: struck by a shell in the late war, is ju
as Ineligible in the Portuguese tongl
: as he is in the United States languag
We are pleased to observe that the jok
4 are fresher than usual. Those prIntC
in this almanac last year were dug L
1 by DIR. Schliemann on the site Of ancie
$ Troy, while this years were uncarthC
at the excavations at Pompeii.-Norri
: town Herald.