The Bolivar bulletin. [volume] (Bolivar, Hardeman County, Tenn.) 1865-1888, 1880-04-29
Humorous.
THE BEST THING OUT.
a Brakeman at Church.

! Dui4lti5toi 4HMAt1
To me. comes the brakeman. and
seating hinselfon the arm of the seat
says:
Il went to church yesterday"
''Yes?" l said with that interested
infection that ask for more?" 'AnC
what church did you attends"
(Which do you guess?" he asked.
''Some Union Mission Church,"
hazarded."
''Now he, said I don't ike to run on
the branch roads very much. l don't
often go to church, and when | do,
want to run on the main line, where
your run is regular, and you don't
have to wait on connections. don't
like to run on a branch. Good enough,
but don't like it."
''Episcopal?" l Iguessed.
Limited express" he said: call
palace cars and two dollars extra for a
seat; fast time and only stop at the
big stations. Nice line, but two eX-
haustive for a brakeman. All train
men in uniform, conductors punch and
lantern silver plated, and no train
boys allowed. Then the passengers
are allowed to talk back to the conduc-
tor, and it makes them too free and
easy. No, / couldn't stand the palace
cars. Rich road. though. Don't often
hear Of a receiver being appointed for
that line. Some mighty nice people
travel on it too"
"Universalist?" I suggested.
BROAD guage," said the brakeman;
'does too much complimentary busi-
Everybody travels on a pass. Con-
ductor dosen't get a fare once in fifty
miles. Stops at all flag stations and
won't run into any but union depot
No smoking car on the train. Train
orders are rather vague though, and
the train don't so to the tniversalist,
though I know some awful good men
who run on the road"
'Presbyterian?" 1 asked.
Marrow guage, en- said the brake
man, ''pretty track, straight as rule;
tunnel right through mountain rath-
er than go around it; spirit level grade
passengers have to show their tickets
before they get on the train. Mighty
strict road, but the ears are little
bit narrow; have to set one in a seat
and no room in the aisle to dance. Then
there's no stop over allowed; got to go
straight through to the station you ar-
ticketed for or you can't get on at all.
When the car is full no extra coaches;
cars built at the shop to hold just 50
many and nobody else allowed on. But
you don't eften hear of an accident Oh
that road. It's run right up to she
rules.
MAYBE you joined the Free-think-
ers?" I said.
"Scrub road" said the brakeman;
"dirt road bed and no ballast; no time
card and no train dispatcher; all trains
run wild and every engineer makes
his own time just as he pleases. Smoke
if you want to; kind of go-as-you-please
road. Too many side tracks and every
switch open all the time, with the
switchman sound asleep and the target
lamp dead out. Get on as you please
and get off when you want to. Don't
have to show your ticket, and the con-
ductor isn't expected to do anything
but amuse the passengers. No sir, l
was offered a pass, but l don't like the
line. / don't like to travel OH q road
that has no terminus. Do YOU know
sir, l asked a division superintendent
where that road run to and he said he
hoped to die if ne knew. I asked him
if the general superintendent could tell
me, and he said he didn't believe they
had general superintendent, and if
they had, he didn't know anything
more about the road than the passen-
gers. / asked him who he reported to
and he said nobody. l asked a con-
ductor who he got his orders from, aud
he said he didn't take orders from any
living man or dead ghost. And when
l asked the engineer who he got his
orders from, he said he'd like to see
any one give him orders, he'd run that
train to suit himself or he'd run it in
the ditch. Now you see, sir, I'm rail
road man, and l don't care to run on q
train that has 10 time, makes no con-
nectiOns, runs nowhere and has no su-
perintendent. 1t may be al right, but
I've railroaded too long to understand
it"
'fDid you try the Methodist" I
asked.
"'Now you're shouting" he said with
some enthusiasm. ''Nice road, eh?
Fast time and plenty of passengers.
Engines carry a power of steam, and
don't you forget it; steam guage shows
hundred and enough all the time.
Lively road; when the conductor
shouts all aboard, you can hear him 10
the next station. Every train lamp
shines like a headlight. Stop-oveT
checks given on all through tickets; a
passenger can drop OFF as often as he
! likes, do the stitiJn two or three days
and hop on the next revival train that
comes laundering along. Good whole
souled, cOmpaniOnable conductors; amt
a road in the country where the passen.
gers feel more at home. No passes;
every passenger pays full traffic rates
for his ticket. Wesleyanhouse brake
on all trains too; pretty safe road, bul
l didn't ride over 1t yesterday"
''Maybe you went to the Congrega-
tional Church ?" l queired.
| otuitu Iotu, Sdiu the bfaheslDaIl'
"an old road, too; one Of the very
oldest in this country. Good road-be
and comfortable cars. We'll managed
road, too; directors interfere with d.
vision suPerintents and train orders
Roads very popular, and mighty in
/ dependent, too. See, didn't one of the
division uperintendents down east dis
continue one the oldest stations Oh this
(. line two or three years ago? But its 6
mighty pleasant road. Always has such
q spendid class Of passengers.o