, 1880-04-26
Wit and Humor.

Ine 60SSlat. press has been unmuZ-
zlSd: but it is still chained.
Oleomargarine doesn't "go down
with the majority of people,
We forgot to mention that Philadel
phia has an elephant on its hands.
The heaehnns are too lazy to be
Christians. IdolEess is what bothers
them.
One great drawback against young
physician just beginning to practice is
that he is not old and ugly.
Newsboy to irritable old gentleman
who has just lost his train" Buy u
comic paper, sir ?"- Punch.
Debating societies are asking: "Can
the goat reason?7 He can, but he
doesn't wait to. His time is worth too
much.
The new governess:: If you saw a
poor man starving in the street,
wouldn't you give him some of your
pudding, Tommy?" Tommy: I'D
give him some of yours, Miss Smith,
but. Freddy, how could you ever
think of calling aunty stupid? Imme-
diately go to her and tell her that you
are sorry" Freddy goes to aunty and
says: "Aunty, am sorry you are
stupid"
Fifty thousand women are needed in
Arizona at once, and no questions asked
/ N. 81. Register. Then they won't go.
They want to emigrate to place where
thereIl be one question asked Bos-
ton Post.
A ncbleman, who is ia the habit of
Speaking to soldiers in an affable man
ner, was much amused when a guards
man said to him in hearty way: II
like you, my lord. There's nothing of
the gentleman about you."
A deaf mute used the new audiphone.
" Can you pay me that five dollars ?"-
these were the first words he heard.
81 prefer to remain in my original
condition." he said, sternly, and threw
the audiphone out of the window.
A Jersey man was once thrown one
hundred and fifty feet by an express
train, when he picked himself up,
looked around for his hat, and re-
marked, Well, if don't find that hat,
I'll make the company pay for it,"
A man who had S65 stolen from him
received note with $25 saying: -
stolcd your money. Remorse naws at
my conshens, and 1 send some of it
back. When remorse naws again I'll
send you some more. - Buffalo Ex-
press.
The difference between country and
city boys was never better described
than by Boston nine-year- old young
ster returning from visit to his coun-
try cousin. Said he: George can
skate, but he can't tell time, and I can
tell time, but can't skate,
A young princess asked her mamma
the other evening how it was she and
her brothers and sisters prayed for their
daily bread instead of for bread enough
for a week or month. One of the
young princes had a reason ready:
" It's SO that we may have it new."
Thunder!" was the remark of Fer
guson, as he formed crescent over the
slippery coal-hod cover. Yes" re-
piled sober-faccd, citizen in the door
way; "more than twenty have fallen
over that this morning, and every one
of them EXPRESSED the same opinion. +"
Sympathetic Inree-year-old: "Ma,
do you feel awful bad ?" Mother (who
is lying on sofa): "Yes, dear, / am
terribly worried" Small child: "Well,
ma, if 1 was to give you the chisel out
of my tool-chest, dent you think 1t
might cheer you up little ?"- Har-
per's Bazaar.
No accounting for tastes: Bus dri-
yer to regular rider" You ear them
ERE forrinners on the knifeboard, sir :?
Amt it wonderful as they don't get
tired O. jabbering away like that the
whole journey-and not an Ineligible
word from fust to last!"-[ London
Punch.
A man from Central New York, hav-
ing more money than anything else,
endured q tour through Europe be-
cause he thought he must. In speak
ing of his trip upon his return he ex-
claimed: 1.-The happiest day of it all
was when I stepped on my own native
vice versa
A little Oil City girl observed her
mother measuring cloth by holding it
up to her nose with one hand and
reaching out to arms length with the
other. She assumed thoughtful as
pect, and, after cogitating moment,
asked: "How can you measure cloth
that way? Can you smell a yard %
"Why did General Washington cross
the Delaware on the ice during the
storm of an awful night?" asked q
teacher of her young class in history.
" 1 reckon" piped a small voice in
answer, " it was because he wanted to
get on the other side." The teacher
gave her class fifteen minutes of recre-
alton.