The weekly Union times. [volume] (Union C.H., South Carolina) 1871-1894, 1880-01-16
MARK TWAIN ON PRIVATE CLERKS.

NelOpc Hau certain pcCuIldTltlcS ABOUT H.
For instance, in its right hand upper corner
an oval black stamp was priutcd, bearing
the words, United States Postal Service -
in the upper left hand corner the following
words were printed in large, bold type, in
three separate lines-thus:
Post Office Department,
Office Of the Postmaster General
OFFICIAL BUSINESS.
In the lower left hand corner was printed
the following words-thus:
Il pcuohy of $500 Is .f.ccd By a,o for usiry
his c"cciopo Jor o;hcr thar OFFICIAL
BUSINESS.
(llcrc follows the letter Of Thomas Il.
Kirby, "Privatc Secretary to the postmas-
ter General" to which Mr. Clemcus re.
plics)-
Ny GALLON FRIEND: When you shall
have outyrown the cffcrvcsccnccs Of youth
and acquired Il bit Of worldly experience,
you will cease TO make mistakes like that.
That is to say, you Will refrain from med
dliug in matters which do not concern you;
you will recognize the simple wisdom Of
cpnlining yourself strictly to your owa
business. There are persons who would re-
sent this innocent liIsce Of impcrtincucc Of
yours, aud say harsh things to you about it;
but fortunately for you, | am not that sort
of person. Whatever else | may lack, |
have Il good heart Therefore, in hu-
nanc and gentle spirit, will try to set you
right upon certain small ponts-not to hurt
you, but t. do you good. You seem to
think you have been called to account
This is Il grave error. 1t is the PostoIlico
Department Of the United STAGES OF AmC
rca which has been called to account
There is difference here, which ynu have
overlooked; will point it out. You are
not the Postoilicc Department, but only an
irresponsible, inexpensive and unnecessary
appcndugc 70 it. Grave, elderly men, pub
lie instructors, like me, do not call private
secretaries 70 account. Bear this in mind;
it will be "A help to you. The mistake you
have made is Simplc-you have imagined
yourself the dog, whereas you are the tail.
You have cnAcavorcd to wag the dog; this
was not judicious. You should have hung
puicsccnt until the dog waggci you. If
stepped on his tail-and we will grant, for
the sake Of argument, that | did-it was
not to call the tails attention to anything,
but only to direct the attention Of the main
body Of the animal to certain natter
You perceive it was simply in the nature
Of ringing II bell that is all; my business
was not with the bell itself but with the
owner Of it \ bell is a useful thing, in Il
measure. but it should not keep on ringing
when one is done with it. Do make my
self partially understood? Lest there be
any doubt let me illustrate tavhcr-hy par
able; for the parable is the simplest and sur
est vehicle for conveying information to thC
immature mind. You seem to have gathered
the impression, somehow, that you ar 4 mem
b-r Of the Cabinet This is an error. You
are only cXtlancouS matter connected with
a member of the Cabinet Your chief is
one of the gums "f that battery. but you are
not. You arc not tkc gun or the load, or
e, en- the ramrod; neither do YOU supply
! the ammunition. You only do up the car
fridge and serve as frc-.tick to touch it
off. You are not the barrel Of mulaSscS,
you are only the faucet through which the
molassrS is discharged You are not the
boot, but the bootjack that is t. say, you
do not furnish the idea. you only pull it III.
You are not the lightning but only the
li"htning.rod. DO You perceive? ? The
thing am trying to convey to you is, that
It does not become you to assume functions
which do not belong u you. You may
think it strange that ! AIN c.u:ilg this note
without saying anything upon the matter
which you have broachcd. Overlook that.
drop it cut Of your mind-wc do not DIS
turJ the rcpuSc Of private secretaries with
affairs with which they havc nothing to do.
The newspaper slip which vGu have enclosed
TO me wifi he returned To ynH by one OF nv