The weekly herald. [volume] (Cleveland, Tenn.) 1876-1888, 1880-03-18
WIT AND WISDOM.

INCu lub ChulADhlh nave "a lbuutI re-
gard for old age. They will not eat a
missionary who is over fifty years old.
A O%hicagoan has announced that he
has discovered a process by which illu-
minatiRg gas can be made from water.
T~eetotalers object to the theatre be.
cause the house often gets full, and the
audience gets intoxicated with delight.
Never blow down a lamp chimney to
extinguish the fame, for it is quite
liable toreturn the compliment and blow
you up.
A philosopher says: You require in
marriage precisely the same quality that
you would in eating sausage-absolute
confidence
Wanted, a barber who will admit that
he never cut a man while shaving him,
and a bachelor who is not looking for q
rich widow.
A witness in court was asked il party
to the suit was a truthfulm man. No. he
answered, he'd rather lie at sixty days
than tell the truth for cash.
st. Louis poem, addressed to Chicago:
Where are you going my pretty maid?'
I'm bound for the matinee, sir, she said.
And soon was heard on the lone.ome street
The pondrous tread OF her mammoth feet.
Gen. Jackson's wife was about as
handsome as a bag Of straw run over the
middle by a truck, and while he used to
admit this, he claimed as an offset that
she never broke a dish or bothered him
for clothes lines.
An Arizona miner, doubling the capa-
bilities Of a certain assayer, got an old
potatoe, dried it thoroughly, pounded it
up fine and then submitted the powder
for an essay, and the result of the assay
gave a yield Of $40 to the ton.
A correspondent in the country asks
if somebody will tell him how best to
start a flock of sheep. We have done
very little in that line, but will suggest
that letting down the bars generally has
the desired effect.
No longer by the river do we wander
as Of yore to listen to the surging Of the
ripples on the shore. Gone are those
days of gladness, OF pleasure and OF
p~eace-she's been, and gone, and mar
ried a sergeant of police.
Man. says Victor Hugo, was the
conundrum of the eighteenth century;
women is the conundrum OF the nine
teenth century, An American editor
adds: we can't guess her, but will
neve give her up-no, neverI'
If anything will reconcile a man to old
age it is TO have a beautiful young lady
rush up to him when the evening train
comes in, hug and kiss and call him
father. OF course, there is a mistake,
and the thing has to be explained and
forgotten; but while it does last it is
sweet enough to make an old reprobate
wish he were an honest father.
Going to leave, MaryP' yes, mum;
l find I am very Disconnected If there
is anything 1 can do to make you com
Portable, let me know. No, mum, it's
impossible. You can't alter your fgger
to my fgger, no morn't 1 ear Your
dresses won't fit me, and / can't appear
on Sundays as l used at my last place
where missus's clothes fitted 'xactly''
They had their usual evening quarrel
as they sat by the hearth. On one side
lay quietly a blinking dog, and or the
other a purring cat, and the old woman
pleaded with her growing husband
'Yust look at dat gat unit tog; they never
gwarrels unit fights like u.s. YAH said
the GROWER; Il know dot; but yust die
dem together n dime, and den you see
blazesl'
We have heard Of the cheeky chap who
went into an umbrella store to borrow
shelter during n rainstorm, but what
strikes us as the ne plus ultra of mag.
nificent cheekiness comes from Mobile,
where the story goes, a young lady, who
after refusing the invitation of a gentle
nan to attend the theatre with him,
borrowed his opera glasses to go
With some other felloW.'
In a Norwich, o., school, according
o the Bulletin, the teacher wrote the
word sport upon the blackboard, and
for its definition, and there
proved to be one juvenile mind that
'ould separate the word from the idea Of
un or playfulness. That one, a little
yirl Of less than seven summers, as'on-
shed the teacher by saying; 'Sport-a
nan what wears his hat on N side.'
'Ah, Farmer Robinson. this winter
must be splendid for your crops, so
mild you know. You must have your
nearly DONE well, miss,
said the clever old soul. I've
.ot a few hitching.posts to set out, and
couple of milk pals to solder, and
ny seasons work is pretty much over
Indeed: and then you will have all the
ummer to entertain us girls from the
ityP' well. I 'spose Ben will do pretty
nuch as he did last year. He wasn't
God for anything else in hay time, and
Sen sort of twisted in his chair as he OBJ.
a very pretty bit Of color steal
yer the fair girls face.
A party OF ladies and gentlemen were
pending the evening not long since OF
he residence Of a gentleman in George.
own who is quite celebrated for his wit.