, 1880-07-26
Wit and HumOr.

An observing fve-year old boy in
quired of his mother, recently: "Do
men love tobacco, mammal" think
not," she replied. well. I thought
they didn't" responded the youngster,
''for after they take bite I see 'em
keep trying to spit it out"
A worthy compile in Massachusetts
town Dad lost their only daughter, and
were deeply depressed. AS they sat
one evening in the drawing room,
henving signs at intervals, the wife re-
marked: "Well, George, there is one
cons lation. Situated as we are. we
oonii never have gotten Jane Into Bos-
ton society,""
Professor Geiger sat in an easy chair
on the deck looking very pale. The
compassionate captain asked how he
felt. % Miserable, miserable; I am
sick. captain. am sick. | have paid
tribute to Neptune till I have lost
everything" "But," said the captain,
IS zee you still have your boots left"
Yes" said the professor. family,
shut they were on the outside"
The Rev. Mr.. A. was more promi-
nent lii his day for the brilliancy of his
imas ination than the force of his logic.
At one time he was preaching on 1.-The
Ministry of Angels" and i'll the per-
Orafi Ii he suddenly observed: " hear
whisper J. The change of tone start
led The deacon, who sat Delow, from a
drowsy mood, aud springing to bis feet,
he spoke: +" / guess 1t is the boys in the
gallery"
She was a Boston lady of culture.
She stood watching u canal-bOat loaded
with Ice as it was being locked into the
Canal from Lake Champlain.
"W.at is that boat loaded with?
she asked.
8 Ice" was the reply.
Goa, my she exclaimed in surprise;
" if tho horrid stuff should melt, the
water would sink the boat!'
THE RIGHT OIL.-The Latin term for
cod-ilver Oil Is 0leum jecortS dSeli5. A
doctor prescribed it for an oll lady the
other day, and. as usual, in his pre-
scrlptien abbreviated the terms, which
read ''R. Ole. Jee As., OF. ill.," A
friend OF the old lady congratulated her
upon her restoration to health, when
she said: Yes, it was that beautiful
medicine. the oil Of jackass, that
brought me on my feet again."
Old Tom Purdie, Sir Walter Scott's
fsvorite attendant, once said: Them
are tine novels Of yours, Sir Walter;
they are just invaluable to me-" 81
am glad to hear it Tom" Yes, sir;
for when have been out all day hard
at work, and come home very tired, and
take up one of your novels, l m asleep
directly"
Professor: "Can yeu multiply to-
gether concrete numbers p The class
are uncertain. Professor: "What Will
be the product Of five apples multi
plied by six potatoes ?" Pupil (tri-
umphantly): Hashl
A cook complained to her mistress
that tue page-boy, George" directly
the dishes Were removed from the table.
picked from them all the bits -
Tie mistress complained to her hus
band, aud desired him to test the truth
of the cooks report. After dinner, the
master went down to the pautry and
caught George" with his hand full
OF = tri6es," and thus reproved him:
You naughty, wicked boy, you are
not only SHINING against me by pilfer-
ing. but against One above, to whom 1
am only crushed worm. Do you
know who that is u George whimper-
ingly riplied: "Oh, yes, sir Please
sir, that's Missisl'
A French military student. home for
his Christmas holidays, wished to de a
little shooting. Accordingly he pos
sessed himself of his fathers gun, dog
and ps MISE de chasse. He was accost-
ed by local DogLerry, who demanded
to see his license. He at once pro-
duced that of his father. "But," read
the official, seventy-two years old |
You are wonderfully we'll preserved"
"Oh that's common in our family"
Then l see certain peculiarities in
dieaied-wears wooden leg." The
student burst into laugh. "You
don't suppose" he cried. "I should
put on my wooden leg when I went |
shooting ?" "Ohl to be sure not" re-
turned the other, sit would doubtless |
impede your movements. Good day,
sir, and good SPORT
How He CAUGHT H1x.-Dana Krum.
one of the conductors on the Erie Rail |
road, was approached before train time
by an unknown man who spoke to him
as if he had know him for years. 81
say, DANA" said he, 81 have forgotten
my pass. and want to 60 to Susque-
hanna; am fireman on the road, you
know" But the conductor told him he
ought to have a pass with him. It was
the safest way. Pretty soon Dana
came along to collect tickets. Seeing |
his man, he spoke when he reached
him. Say, my friend, have you the
time with Won ?"