Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1880-08-26
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Sense and Nonsense.
PRESSED for time-Mummies.

PRESSED Tor Eme-Mummles.
SPRING halt-May 81, midnight.
A GENTLEMAN named his dog Penny
because it was one sent to him.
The hired girl who was called up at
| o'clock in the morning, thinks arose
two hours later would sound quite as
sweet.
Why is it that a woman's heart beats
| fifteen times less per minute than a
mans? Is it because her tongue beats
thirty times per minute more?
THE men who leave green-gingham
umbrellas in barber-shops, and take
away brown-silk ones, are to be exam
ined for color blindness, and possibly
for stealing.
HERE is Fun's epigram on the statue
OF George Peabody, in London:
To blow hot and blow cold in 4 couple Of days
Is one OF the worlds greatest failings
While alive he was always enyironed with praise
But now he's surrounded with ratings.
EVERY adult man has l, 400 square feet
Of lungs; or rather the mucous mem.
branes lining the air-cells of his lungs,
If spread upon smooth, plane surface,
would cover an extent of 400 square
feet.
WHEN boy falls and peels the skin
OF his nose, the first thing he does is to
get up and yell. When a girl tumbles
and hurts herself badly, the first thing
she does is to get up and look at her
dress.
The practice of throwing down glove
as challenge is mentioned as far back
as 1916 and glove was worn in the hat
or cap as mistress favor, as the memo
rial of a friend, and as mark to be
challenged by an enemy. ...
st WILL stay, i" he sang, "and viii sing my lay,
While sluLnber seals your eyes;
And the still, deep night will see stay
Under the star-ht skies
will wake and sing till the morning star
Shall glow in the eastern sky"
But he didn't; her s. pa " came out, right thar
And " lifted " him nine feet high.
An old miser, who was notorious for
self-denial, was one day asked why he
was so thin. 81 do not know, said the
miser; 81 have tried various means
for getting fatter, but without success
"Have you tried victuals ?" inquired a
friend.
The number of Bibles and Testamenta
issued each year by the British and For
eign Bible Society is nearly 5000, 600;
by the American Society, 100000.
Within seventy-fiye years, $50, ,000, 900
copies have been put into circulation.
JEANNE's mother attempts to dissuade
her from marrying a soldier of the Line
with whom the girl is desperately in
love- ga war may come and a cannon
ball may take off his head, she tells her.
"Ah, well widow at 16 !" exclaims
the daughter. ''What is more poetic 2
AT a crowded French country theater
woman fell from the gallery to the pit,
and was picked up by one of the specta-
tors, who, hearing her groaning, asked
if she was much injured. "Much in
jured p exclaimed the woman, '1 should
think I am. have lost the best seat in
the middle of the front row."
Mr.. LINCOLN used to tell a story
about big Hoosier who came to Wash
ington, during the war, and called upon
street Arab for shine. Looking at
the tremendous boots before him, he
called out to brother sinner across the
street: "Come over and help, Jimmy.
I've got an army contract"
Miss WILSON is a Delaware heiress
and beauty. She fell in love with a
farm hand, because she deemed him he
roic; but when they eloped, and he ran
away from her across the fields at the
approach of her pursuing father, she
concluded that she had overrated him,
and went back home contentedly.
A VERMONT man spent 120 successive
days In trying to run down and kill a
fox, and, when at last he got sight of him
and fired shot, the bullet killed 5000
horse and the fox sloped away.
TELL us not in mournful numbers
Life is but an empty dream,
When milk is seven cents quart
And raises mighty little cream.
The members of young ladies' de-
batting society in Troy have decided in
favor of long courtship. Level-headed
girls. Observation has taught them that
there is wonderful falling-off of confec-
tions, balls, carriage-rides and opera
when courtship ends and the stern reali-
tiles of married life begin.
Ell DORADO is of Spanish extraction.
and was fabulous region located in the
interior of South America, supposed to
surpass all others in the richness of its
productions, especially gold, gems,
and the like. It Is now come to be APP
piled to any country, especially an imagi-
nary one, abounding in gold or other
precious metals.
WASHINGTON, VT, has twelve men
whose united ages are ], 1,056 years, viz:
s. P. Bailey, 100 years Charles French,
95; Charles Wright, SO Leonard Brad
ford, 80; Jabez Fisher, 8S; Amasa Fair
banks, So; Caleb Carr, 88; Harvey
Spaulding, "a Ziba Crane, "a William
Harden, 80; Joel Severance, 50, and
Amos Russell, SO.
A SERVANT, fresh from the country,
enters the employ of an old fop who re-
sorts to various articles to conceal the
evidences of age Indeed, the giddy old
thing is fearfully and wonderfully made
up-a work of art, so to speak. At bed
time. the new servant assists him to un-
dress. Carefully, piece by piece. the
old fellow proceeds to demolish himself
"My Godp cries the astounded servant,
"leave enough of yourself to put to
bed"
JOSEPH KEARNEY's ingenious plan to
make money, in Philadelphia, was TO
tell mothers that their sons had been
horribly mangled, and ask for few dol.
lars in haste to buy medicine. The
trick was successful in several instances.
Then he boldly went to a woman with
| the false news that her sons body would
arrive on certain train, with IS due for
delivery. She had heard of him, and he
was arrested.
"WELn, Father Brown, how did you
like my sermon yesterday2" asked
young preacher. "Ye see, parson," was
the reply, "I haven't fair chance at
them sermons of yours. TIM an old man
now, and have to set pretty well back by
the stove; and there's old Miss Smithe,
Widder TAFT, n Mrs. Rylan's darters, n
Nabby Birt, n all the rest, setting in
front of me with their mouths wide open,
n swallerin' down all the best of the SER
mon; n what gets down to me is putty
poor stuff, parson, putty poor stuff. "
The first models were figures Of hv-
ing persons, and Dibutades, the Cor
inthian, is the reputed inventor of those
in clay. His daughter, known by the
appellation Of the Corinthian Maid, be-
ing about to be separated from her
lover, who was going on distant jour-
ney, traced his profile by the shadow ON
the wall. Her father filed up the out
. Ena n1o~~ ~..ls~l u.