The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1880-04-17
VARIETIES.

"A woman stung is the nearest APP
proach to perpetual motion.-Keokatk
Constitution.
"A dog which won't run from an ele-
plant will break his back to get away
from an oyster can.-Free Press.
An organist at Litchfield, Mimi,
played "What VIII the Harvest BeP"
as bridal couple marched out of the
church.
"A circus never runs too long for
spectators, but let a sermon run over
forty minutes, and congregation can't
sit still.
The man who is architect of his own
fortunes has got to get some poor nobody
to do the carpenter work.-BoSton Tran
script.
We warn all Nihilists that they need
not shoot at us. We have adopted Nell
koff's plan and had all our shirts ironed.
-Erchange.
"A London society paper says that
American women would be far more
beautiful if they weighed about 200
pounds apiece.
Miss Florence Nightingale is great
invalid, and rarely leaves her room; yet
there are few buster women in the world.
She is never idle.
"A woman was the inventor of the
hay-press. She got the idea from wish
ing she could be Rugged on all sides at
once.-Free Press.
"A man never looks so helpless and
insignificant as when standing around a
dry goods store waiting for his wife to
get through trading.
When man insists upon informing
the world that he is a gentleman" you
may know that he has taken no less than
;seventy-five drinks
AN exchange says the young lady
who can peel a potato in five seconds is
as useful as the young woman who
speaks five languages is ornamental.
Tight shoes are said by Boston ocu-
lists to make bad eyesight. Now we may
account for the fact that barefoot boys
see so much that is going on.-N. Y.
Herald.
Don't be afraid said snob to a
German laborer; est down and make
yourself my equal'' 81 would half to
blow my prains out,'' was the reply of
the Teuton.
An exchange prints a touching little
episode on what a child's kiss could do.
The current belief in this matter is, that
it could get mans mustache all molas-
ses and milk and stuff.
-Bilkington has passed away. Mrs.
B., who has just read the notice of his
death in the newspaper, said: "What
pity John couldn't read this. He would
be so pleased to see his name in print
Imagine the horror of an uptown
mother, whose three-year-old daughter
addressed her with Mamma, my dolls
played out and | don't want any more
rag dollys or china dollys, want meat
baby"
In an English race the horse that
comes in second unsupported the
horse that comes in first belongs to an
American. There is nothing small about
John Bull, except his ideas of fairness.
-Norristoa0'o Herald.
"A Western paper describing young
lady putting on her corsets says she
50 went to work hauling in the slack of
the cord something after the style of a
vaquero placing a saddle upon a fiery,
untamed mustang"
Professor Peters has discovered
another comet.-Albany Journal. Well,
what good will it do him? He cannot
trade it for dog. He cannot " spout it
for twenty-five cents. The fact is, this
country has got all the comets it wants.
Who wouldn't be boy? Think of
the fun boys have. No responsibility.
Clothed, fed and housed without a
thought or care about it. And vet a
boy is never contented, and we wouldn't
give fly for him if he was.-Neeo Haven
Register.
"A ''sum" in arithmetic. If you can
get one towel out of one yard of cloth,
how many towels can you get out of two
yardsp The end man of the MINISTRIES
says it depends altogether on how many
there are on the clothes ine.-Elmira
advertiser.
=" All things come to him who will
but wait" Not much. The fellow who
borrowed 500 of you last summer will
not come to you if you wait 500 years;
and fortune of 100000 is still more
dilatory in making one visit.-Norris-
torn Herald.
Goodwin Smith thinks we are on the
verge of moral interregnum. We don't
know what he means, but it must be
something frightful, and if the man who
borrowed dollar from us last week will
come in and pay it, he may possibly es-
cape its full force.-Erchamge.
"A short Italian prayer which.is not
without wisdom: 81 pray that | may
never be married. Buff / marry 1 pray
that may not be deceived. But if am
deceived pray that may not know of
it. But if / know it l pray that may be
able to laugh at the whole affair."
"A preeocious boy was asked which
was the greatest evil of the two, hurting
another's feelings or his fingers. He
said the former. Fright, my child"
said the gratifed listener, ''and why is
it worse to hurt the feelings?'' ''Be-
cause you can't tie a rag around them,"
exclaimed the dear child.
SO tickle have been the prices of our
rails for few months past that parties
having old rails to sell write the officials
of rolling mills: "What will you give
for few thousand tons of old rails, pro-
vided they are not sold before your an
rxyar 10 rooa;vad pi, Tho roll;n0 mill off