Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1880-01-08
Aamoruus department,
MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.

Mark Twain's remarks, at the banquet of
the army of the Tennessee, in Chicago, a few
weeks ago, were in response to the following
toast: "The Babies; as they comfort US in
our SORROWS, let US not forget them in our fes-
tivities:"
"Now that's something like it. We haven't
all had the good fortune to be ladies; we hav.
en't all been generals, or poets, or statesmen;
but when the toast works down to babies, we
stand on common ground we've all been ba-
bies. 1t is a shame that for a thousand years
the worlds banquets have utterly ignored the
baby-as if be didn't amount to anything
If you, gentlemen, will stop and think min.
ute-if you 60 back fifty or hundred years
to your early married life, and recpntem plate
your FIRST baby, you will remember that he
amounted to good deal-and even some
thing over You soldiers all know that when
the little fellow arrived at family headquar.
tiers. you had to hand in your resignation. He
took entire comuand. You became his lack
ey, his mere body.guard; and you had to
stand around, too When he called for sooth.
ing syrup, did you venture to throw out any re-
marks about certain services being unbecom.
ing an officer and a gentleman ? No; you
got up and got it! Ifhe ordered his pap bot.
tie, and it wasn't warm, did you talk back
Not you, you went and warmed it. You even
descended so far in your menial Office as to
take suck at that warm, insipid stuff your
self, to see if it was right three parts water
to one of milk, touch ofsugar to modify the
collie, and drop of peppermint to kill the
immortal hiccoughs can taste that stuff yet.
"And how many things you learned as
you went along! Sentimental young folks
still take stock in that beautiful old saying
that when the baby smiles in his sleep it is
because the angels are whispering to him.
Very pretty, but "too thin"-simply wind on
the stomach, my friends. If the baby pro.
posed to take a walk at bis usual hour
half past two in the morning you
rise up promptly and remark with mental
addition which wouldn't improve Sunday
school much) that was the very thing that
you were about to propose yourself? Oh
you were under good discipline. As you went
futtering up and down the room in your
"undress uniform you not only prattled
undigni6ed baby talk, but even turned up
your martial voices and tried to sing "Rock-
a.by.baby on the tree top" for instance.
What spectacle for soldier of the army of
Tennessee don't like the idea that a baby
doesn't amount to anything. Why, one baby
is just house and front yard by itself; one
baby can furnish more business than you and
your whole interior department can attend
to !; he is enterprising; do what you please and
you can't make him stay on the reservation.
Sufficient unto this day is one baby. As
long as you are in your right mind, don't
you ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a
permanent riot; and there amt any real
difference between tripets and an insurrec-
ton.
among the three or four million cradles
now rocking in this land, are some which this
nation would preserve for ages as sacred
things if we could know which ones they are.
For in one of these cradles the unconscious
teething. Think of it aid putting in word
of dead earnest, unarticulated, but perfectly
justi6able, profanity over it too; in another
the future renowned astronomer is blinking
at the shining milky way, with but languid
interest, poor little chap, and wondering what
has become of what they call the wet nurse
in another the future great historian is lying,
and doubtless he will continue to lie till his
earthly mission is ended in another the
future. president is busying himself with no
profounder problem of state than what has
become Of bis hair sc early and in mighty
array of other cradles there are now some
10000 future ofice.seekers getting ready to
furnish him occasion to grapple with that
same old problem a second time! And in
still one more cradle, somewhere under the
flag, the future illustrious commander.in-
chief Of the American armies is 80 little bur-
dened with his approaching grandeurs and
responsibilities, as to be giving his whole
strategic mind, at this moment, to trying TO
find out some way to get his own big toe into
his mouth, an achievement which (meaning
no disrespect) the ilustrious guest of this
evening turned his attention to some fifty
six years ago! And if the child is but the
prophecy of the man, there are mighty few
who will doubt that he succeeded"
sgr When "Thad" Stevens was young
lawyer in the Pennsylvania courts, he once
lost his case by what he considered the wrong
ruling of the judge. Disguised, he banged
his law books on the table, picked up his hat
and started for the door with some vigorous
words in his mouth. The judge, feeling that
his dignity was assailed, rose impressively
and said "Mr. Stevens" Mr.. Stevens stop.
ped, turned and bowed deferentially. "Mr.
Stevens" said the judge, "do you intend by
such conduct to express your contempt for
this court?" And Stevens, with mock seri.
business, answered: express my contempt
for this court? No, sir I was trying to
CONCEAL II ynnr Honor"