Connecticut western news., 1880-09-01
WIT AND WISDOM.

I maid jn Philadelphia.
 IF you have pretty daughter you will have brain full of anxiety and house full of scented note paper. | AN Iowa wife who was suing for di. vorce proved that she had not had penny of her own in thirteen years. GAYLy the gallant ice-man Goes sporting in the sum- And selleth fifteen hundred weight And charges for ton.
 ONE of the uses of diversity is to en- able your neighbors to buy all your new furniture at about 95 per cent. off store prices.
 AN imbecile who wished to make him. self agreeable to Longfellow said: "Sir, every night of my life fall asleep over one of your works"
 A LAZY boy was complaining that his bed was too short, when his father sternly replied, "That is because you are always too long in it, sir"
 TEE man who offered Dr. Tanner $1, 800 per week to lecture, must have reasoned that this country had given brains the go-by for an empty stomach. "MR. SMITH" said lady at fair, "wont you buy this bouquet to present to the lady you love?" "Twouldn't be 2 right" said MT. Smith "Tm married man."
 THE editor, 'tis plain, is best of men, whether his acts be dark or bright, for Pope, truthful man, most wisely says "He can't be wrong whose life is in the right"
 "THAT prisoner has very smooth countenance," said the Judge to the Sheriff. "Yes," responded the Sheriff, 'he was ironed just before he was brought in."
 A DEADwooD miner played baseball with can of nitro-glycerine just to show his companions that he wasn't afraid of the stuff. The only trace of him was hole in the ground.
 NATIVE to stranger We have al- ways an east wind in Galveston. But 4 I see the wind right now is from the vest" "Oh, that's the east wind com- ing back, you know" "Ah l"
 GUEST at restaurant to waiter, hav- ing a complaint to make: 2" Say, waiter, where is the proprietor ?" Waiter, with o fond and pitying smile: "Do you think he dimes here? The boss knows too much for that"
 WHEN they can't make an Albany baby quit crying in any other way, they let him crawl under the bed, and make him believe they think he's lost, and are looking for him, and he will keep quiet for two hours.
 "H1! you dropped brick up there ]" shouted pedestrian, on whose shoulder brick had fallen from four-story scaffold. "All right" cheerfully re- sponded the bricklayer, "you needn't take the trouble to bring it up."
 A POET says Glove holds me so would that I could go lutter up and down, and to and fro In vain love holds me so p Eat raw onion just before you go to see her, and she will loosen her grasp and throw up . window.
 A KANSAS City reporter records the fact that the defeated candidate "took his way to the train. wrapped in gloom and new store clothes. The gloom was an elegant fit, but the store clothes were too short in the legs and very baggy about the shoulders. '"
 "WHroH is the more delicate sense, feeling or sight?" asked professor in Columbia College. "Feeling," respond ed student. "Give proof of 1t, with an example, :" said the professor. "Well, my chum can feel his moustache, but nobody can see it." responded the stu dent.
 A BOY of three years, sitting at din- ner with his mother and the rest of the : family, was violating the old adage, "Children should be seen and not heard" His mother commanded him to be quiet, when he suddenly askeds Mamma, what are little boys mouths made for?"
 "HENRY is so practical said Mrs. Youngwife. "When Mother went into the country last year Henry sent all her things after her the very next day; he said she might want some of them, you know. And it's kind O. funny, she went on, "mother did want them, for she has never come back to live with us sinces Wasn't it queer?"
 A GENUINE incident: Dr. L. called upon lady acquaintance the other day and was met at the door by the ladys little girl. He asked her to tell her mamma that Dr. L. had called. The child went upstairs and presently re- turned "Did you tell your mamma?s asked the doctor. "Yes." "And what did she say ?" "She said, %, pshaw Y"
 "Sm," wrote lordly absentee of the last century to his agent, who informed him he could collect no rents, as the tenants threatened to shoot him should he ask for them-"Sir, I desire that you proceed to collect my rents at once, and, that these rascals may know that am not to be trifed with, inform them that no threats to shoot you will intinIidate nee."
 AN old lady descended from an omni- bus. "Ah l" she exclaimed, in tone of appreciation, chow much more polite young men are now-a-days than they used to be. Why, have always plenty of room in an omnibus, but when l wGs young could never ride in one without being crowded or feeling some mans | IA St1n