Butler citizen. [volume] (Butler, Pa.) 1877-1922, 1880-05-12
THESE ARE GOAKS.


Not the income but the outcome
causes the racket in married life, says
the New Orleans Picayune.
People who have to pay plumbing
bills would like to know if the plumb
er's assistant is illegal tender"
Maud IAN aristocratic child): How
pretty and clever you are, mother
Pm SO glad you married into our fam
ily."
The mule puzzle-Draw circle fif-
teen feet in diameter, place mule in
the centre, and walk around him with
out getting out of the circle.
The New Haven Register is init
mately acquainted with "a man who
changes from winter to spring clothing
by simply ripping off the tay sole of
his boot"
A Leadville man who was seen COM
ing out of gin mill at 10 p. M, felt
terribly ashamed of it. No Leadvill-
ian thinks it proper to leave such
place before midnight.
Five hundred dollars reward is of
fered for the return of dog to Miss
Irene Lynch, of New York. Miss
Lynch appears to be the most opulent
Irish sufferer of the season
Il nominate Mr.. Hayes. Having
Travelled with the gentleman through
the Great Western Circuit During
which trip / twice beat 2:15), | can
testify to his great popularity. ."-Ra-
rus.
A hens brain isn't very large, but
it is large enough to comprehend the
fact that she never was the mother of
an Easter egg, and that if she was 1t
would not hatch painted chickens.
A famous fbber told an extraordi-
nary story, which, strange enough,
CHANGED to be true at is so extraor-
dinary." said a listner, "that if | did
not know it to be true should believe
it to be false" "Ah," said the narra-
ter. "if it had been false should have
told it in a much more truthful manner
than Paris Vat.
A woman in New York accidentally
went to church with two bonnets on
her head-0ne stuck inside the other
and the other women in the congrega-
tion almost died of envy. They
thought it was a new kind of bonnet,
and too sweet for anything.-Neac Or
leans Picay1ne.
"You get up all kinds of brick here,
don't you?" inquired man at one of
our leading brickyards. Eyes, about
air What do you want?" The man
edged toward the front of the yard as
he replied, "Cambricks would do"
and then cambricks at his head in
every direction as he took to fight.
Female printers pop the question to
the male typos by simply handing
them an interrogation point (?). If the
latter intend to embrace the opportu-
nifty and accept, they return brace
thus -, but if they wish to decline
and dash the cup of happiness from the
fair ones lips, they hand over -
Neae Orleans Picayune.
What need is there to worry and fret,
And vainly try more trouble to borrow,
When we know that after the sun has set
To-day will be yesterday tomorrow.
Bottom Transcript.
But If there's q note that's due you bet,
You'd better remember it while you may;
For it's important you shouldn't forget
To-day was tomorrow yesterday.
American Queen.
MY son." said doting father, who
was about taking his son into business,
"what shall be the style of the new
firm 2" "Well, governor, said the one
and-twenty youth, looking up into the
heavens to find an answer. III don't
know-but suppose we have it John
II. Samplin 4 Father" The old gen.
tleman was struck with the originality
of the idea, but didn't adopt it.
The following is the way the news
papers in the mining regions talk to
their readers:
"a man at Dutch Flat picked up a
rock, the other day, to throw at cow
The weight Of it attracted his atten.
tiop. and on examination it was found
to contain over q hundred dollars in
gold"
~ will bet $1O,n the commercial
traveller shouted, with rising temper
that l did it this morning in twenty
minutes" ~ don't doubt that" the
fat passenger replied, sadly, "but
will bet you $40 that nobody saw you
do it." And did it ever occur to you
dear reader, that that is the way the
puzzle usually has been solved?-
Hdackeye.
A Southern scientist says: '1f the
earth were struck out Of existence the
moon would still 60 on around the sur
as.unconcernedly as though the ques
tion about its motion had not been
raised" We hope no doubling person
will strike the earth out of existence in
order to ascertain the truth of the sci
entjst's assertion. We are willing to
tale his word for it-NorristOaOa
Herald
The Declaration of independence
was written by one of the greatest mer
the world ever produced; it will be re-
garded with love and reverence az
long as one American heart continues
to beat; but offer youthful American
his choice between reading it and pc
rusing an account of the adventures o
"War Whoop Dave. The Howlint
Fear Of the West" and nine time ou
of ten, he'll choose the latter.-Bosto,
Post.
A Lancaster young lady playfully
threw her arm around the waist of 6
lady friend, and pair Of scissors hang
ing therefrom severed an artery in he
arm and she nearly bled to death. Thi
accident should teach young ladies
that throwing arms around the femal
waist is dangerous piece of business
that should be performed solely by tn