The Florida agriculturist. [volume] (DeLand, Fla.) 1878-1911, 1880-08-25
AUGUST %.
VARIETIES.


Help from an unexpected quarter,
as the tramp remarked when 25
cent piece was handed him by the
"lady Of the house"
Here's toast: The rights sofswo-
man: If she cannot be the captain
of a ship, still may she always be
able to command a smack ls
A husband telephoned to his wife:
"What have you for breakfast, and
how is the baby?" The answer
came: "Buckwheat' cakes and mea.
sles."
Mark Twain, lecturing on the
Sandwich Islands, offered to show
how the cannibals ate their food if
any lady would lend him baoy.
The lecture was no: illustrated,
There is this, popularity about the
Cincinnati girl: If a young man
surprises her when her face is
smearcd with molasses she won't
throw her apron over her head and
yell.
'Sam," said one little urchin to
another. "Sam, does your school
master give you any rewards OF
merit ~ II s'pose he Does" was
the reply; she gives me lickin'
regular every day, and says I merit
two"
A mean man put sixteen hornets
in a whisky bottle and gave it to
Texas man in the dark to take a
drink out OF, and though the hornets
got in their work as they went down,
the Texan remarked that it wasn't
real Texas whisky, as 1t lacked fire.
A Dutchman who married bis sec.
ond wife soon after the funeral of his
first, was visited with two hours
serenade in token of disapproval. He
expostulated pathetically thus: Il
say, poys, you ought to be ashamed
of yourselves to be making all dish
noise ven deere vas funeral here so
soon.h
There is man in an uptown hotel
who doesn't know that the kitchen
chimney is in the wall, directly back
of where he hangs his thermometer,
- ,safrsfv-
winch he knows is a correct one, and
| finds it registers $50. he has been
driven to arraying himself in seer
sucker on a comparatively cool day,
| perspiring at that, under Tie impress
sion that it was awful hot. ''''
/ IF ye PLACE, mum, the cook has
boorned her hand, an axes to be ex-
cused for few days, fur its most
crazy she IL wild the PAIN s'Indeed,
Bridget, I'll do nothing of the sort.
expect to dinner to morrow several
prominent members Of the Society
for the Prevention of Cruelty to An
imals, and the cook must do her work
or find another place, pain or no
pain" s..a n,F.f.,.,.
the minister stopped at house
last week, and sought to improve
the time by giving an eight-year-
old boy an instructive lesson in NOR
ality. my boy" said the minister.
81 have lived forty-five years, and
have never used tobacco in any form,
nor told lie, nor uttered an oath,
nor played truant, nor" "Gim-
miny crickets," interrupted the lad,
Eyer amt had any fun at all, have
ye9"
| A drag, driven by an elegantly
attired lady, with trim and neatly
dressed colored boy perched on the
footman's seat behind, was passing
through the street. when it was espied
by an old negro woman. "Bress de
Lord !" she exclaimed, raising her
hand as she spoke. Dress de Lord
l never spected TO see dat. Wonder
what dat young cullud gemman pays
dat young white 'oman for drivin'
dat lerridge? l know'd it d come,
but never 'spected to lib to see'it.
Dis nigga's ready to go way now"
A colored banker, much alarmed
by the failure of several other banks
in his neighborhood, closed his own
establishment. A man knocked at
the barred door. "Who's dar ?"
cried the banker. "Open the door ~
called the man. "Dis banks closed"
remarked the banker Don't care
whether the banks closed or not"
! cried the stranger, Il left new pair
of boots here Yesterday and want
them" Presently the door was
thrust partly open and one boot
pushen out with the remark: ave