The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1880-02-26
HUMOROUS.

A ROY in the wild West who for the
first time In his life saw.a military COM
pany out for drill with fife and drum
gave his mother the following account
OF the business: "a little man blowed
on his squealin' stick, and a big man
that stood beside him hammered on his
thunder box, then the boss man pulled
out big, long knife and shook it at the
fellers what was standin' ap in a long
row, anu they all walked off On two
legs" .
COUNTRY practitioner (surprised at
the visit OF a notorious quack and pill
vendeD: "WeIl! What brings YOU
here?" Quack evidently suffering
from disturbed peristaltic action) !:
"Weli, sir, the fact is, L feel rath or
queer, and----" Country practition-
er: ''Then why don't you take one of
your Pearls Of Health2" Quack {:
"'That's just it, sir! think I've swal-
lowed one-by mistake ~
a YOUNG mother was giving to her
son, age five years, q touching dcscrip-
ton OF the misery into which the prodi :.
gal son had fallen. "Far awav from
home, and his kind father, obliged to
take care of swine, with nothing to cat
but the husks Of corn left by Them"
etc. 'rhcn why didn't he eat the pig ?"
was the practical reply.
A COUNTRY doctor, being out for a
days shooting, took his errand boy to
carry the game bag. Entering field
OF turnips, the dog pointed, and the
boy, overjoyed at the prospect of his
masters success, exclaimed: "Lor'
master; there's a covey; if you get
near ON WON'T you physlc 'enl?"
NIhysic them, you young rascal |!
what do you mean 20 sal the doctor.
'"hy, kill 'cm, to be sure" replied
the lad.
"CAKL MARIA voN WEBER," said an
opcra-goer the other night. 81 suppose
ne was christened after his mother.
Whata curious thing!" "Not at all,n
replied a friend; "surely he could
scarcely have been christcncd before
his .nother.'
~ CAN'T trust you" said rum seller
TO an impoverished customer. "You
should let liquor alone; If you hadn't
drank so much Of it you might now be
riding in your carriage" "And if YOU
hadn't sold It," retOrlcd the victim.
'you'd have been my drivcr.''
~ THINK" said a gentleman to his
footman, 81 have been moderate good
master to you, John" "V,ry moner
ate, sir" said John.
DIR. JOHNSON compared plaintiff and
defendant in an action ut law to two
men duck king their heads in a bucket.
ana daring each other to rcnlain long
est under water.
LADY: "IIow much is this a ward p,
Clerk: "Fourteen and siXpc, ce. II IS
an elegant matcrial--doublc :; it can be
worn both sides. II you tear one side
you've only to turn 1t on the other"
IT was brace Of Communists who
mot in secluded holstery near Tomp.
kins square. "Lugsy watch you've
got on" said onc;" "what's she worth ?"
"Don't know" the other horny .haId-
ed replied, "the .ieweier was asleep"
a YOUNG lady in Chicago, when ask-
ed by the officiating minister. evil
you love, honor and obey this man as
your husband and be 10 him a true
wife?' said plainly, "1 cs, If he does
what he promised me financially"
a CORRESPONDENT or an agricultural
paper asks: "What is good for cab
Dage worms and the answer is :.
'Plenty of cabbage, If you want them
to come out fat in the fall.'' a,s gc
a COLLEGE student, in rendering to
his father an account of the term-cx-
penses, inserted "To charity, thirty
dollars" His father wrote back, "i
lear charity covers multitude of sins.
"What kind Of conscience have
you 90 asked chaplain of a convict in
the State prison. cit is as good rs new
tor l have never used it," was the
reply.
The man who has been brought up
on hog and homlny is the man who
wants quail Oh toasG when he strikes a
hotel.
DAY .AFTER-roMoRRow' is the name
OF Cherokee Indian chief. lie Id a
brother Of ProcrastinatiOn. IN -
=nn....so..-...znDs
No MORE Hard TIMES.--Ii you wi
stop spending SO much on fine cl0thei
rich food and style, buy good, healCh;
rood. cheaper and better clothing 5ye
more real and substantial things of%lif
every way, and especially stop the fool.
ish habit of employing expensive, quack
doctors or using so much Of the vile
humbug medicine that does you onl,
harm, bntput your trust in that simple
pure remedy, Hop Bittcrs; that cures
always at trilling cost, and you viii!
see good times aud have good health
Dec another column
AN ARTICLE or MERIr.-" Broom s
Df"nchtcat 7f"c'eS" are the most popu-
lar article ia This country or Europe
ior Throat Diseases and Coughs, and
this popularity is based upon real