The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1880-08-19
GovERNoR'S ISLAND

OOVERNORS lSLAND 4
(Which is in the State Nv Moo York;,
Aug6, 1880.
The newspapers are full NV an akkount Nv
General Hancock's faintin in the presence NV
two delegashuns witch called on him
The troo history Nv the case is this:
We have electric arrangement from the
ante-room where l stand to the generals
rooms. There are sixty keys marked with the
States and the shades NV opinyun witch make
up the Dimekratic party. Thus, one is marked
''Noo YorA-hard money" another, "Looze-
aner-secesh," and so on.
My dooty is to admit only one party at a
time to see the general, and to notify him in
advance wat principles the visitin party pre-
fesses that our candidate may make no mis-.
takes.
For instanse, Their comes a man from Penn.
sylvany. 1t is my dooty to find wat his no.
shuns are on the tariff. 1 ask him, to begin
with, how trade is. He ansers, Gully"
Then say, How does the present tariff work
for your" He SEE, Bully" wunst more, and
then know all about it. He is interested in
manufacters, and is high-tariff man.
Then the matter looks comparatively simple
fetch a key witch is marked, pennsylvania
tariff" and send him into the presence, and
Gineral Hancock known eggsackly wat to say
to him, and he sez it, and sends him away
happy.
Eff The visitor is from Illinoy, and happens
to be Free Trader, a key is fetched so labeled
and the Gineral also knows wat to say to him
The same rool is applied to all other visitors
We hev ez msny keys ez ther are shades OF
opinyun in the party. 1t requires gigantic
intelleck to keep the run Nv EN-, and that is
why okkepy that responsible posishun.
Nv course make mistakes occasionally, for
no man kin keep the track Nv SIGH diversity
nv prinsiple. did tech the key marked ''war
Dimekrat," for secese major from Looseaner,
and he come out in towering rage, at being
informed by the Gineral that he shood never
be satisfied till every man which bore arms in
the Confederacy he'd passed away, that we
might hev peace, and it wuZ a mistake
when l teched the key markt "Confederacy'
and sent in Wisconsin farmer witch he'd he'd
two sons killed at Antietam. The old man
didn't like to be told that Confederit soljers
shood have the same penshuns ez the Northern
hirelins witch invaded the South so brootaly.
But the trouble referred to okkurred yester-
day. There came delegashep NV wide-hatted
men from Maine and Injeany, witch wantid to
consult the Gineral ez to his views on the CRATE
question Nv unlimited Greenbax, and iist at
the same mint Their cum delegashun from
the City Nv Moo York witch wuz goin to de-
mand expreshn ez to honist money.
insisted that but one delegashun shood 90
In at time, and ez the Injeany men was neer-
est the door, fetched the soft money key, and
asked 'em in. The hard money men hustled
item aside, and thinkin they wood push in
first, l fetched the hard money key. This de-
moralized the Gineral, and to add to the hor-
n no liant bnxy both l1a1
and rushed in all together.
Then scene ensood witch battles discrip-
sben.
"Wat we want to know" sed the spokes-
man Nv the Injeany and Maine delegashens,
lis, in the event NV yoOr eleckshun, is the KEN
try to hey onlimitid money and consekent
prosperity?"
swat we want to know" sed the he'd NV the
Moo York delegashun, sis, eff the Dimocrisy
succeeds are we to hev honist money, and is
the Nashnel debt to be paid in gold?"
The gineral turned pale and looked at me
imploriniy. He wuz not ekal to the emergency
bat wuz. whispered in his ear faint, %
and seezed him in my arms. Takin the hint
he drawd long sigh, and fell out Nv his cheer
senseiis, to all appearances.
Gentlemen" sed 1, ''our noble candidate
hez bin overworked and nacher asserts herself.
Will 700 pleze retire while bring him to?''
They went out, and the gineral got up
care they all gomez" he asked.
They are all gone," sed /.
There must be new plan fxed," sed he
II can't keep on faintin in this way till the
first NV November. The next time this hap
pens shell faint in ded ernest, and it will be
no Sham.''
Wat we shell do don't know. Itwuz sejest-
i'd that our candidate take an extended Eu-
ropean trip, but eff he does that we lose the
effeck NV his superb face and fgger, witch is
wat we nominated him fur. Eff we keep him
here and yootilize that, we run the risk
Nv havin him talked to, witch is fatle
We hev the matter under consultation now
but hev not bin able to cum to any concloo.
shen.
wish to heven 1 Good be keeper fur Gar
feeld: His man hez a soft thing Nv it. The
cussid Republicans hevent but one set NV
opinyuns, and Their amt no truble about that
Garfeeld's doorkeeper he sets and admits evry.
body without askin no questions, and hez
nothin watever to do ceptin to say "walk in,
gentlemen" And they 60 in and Garfield
forks to all NV EN-, and no fnanceerin, and no
nothin.
1t requires more engineerin to be Dime
KRAFT. We hev too extensive a set NV prinsi-
Files, and they require too CRATE a straddle to
kiver EN- all. wish to heven the first NV
November wuz here. This kind NV a thing is
altogether too warm on a not overstrong con-
StitOOSheH