Knoxville daily chronicle. [volume] (Knoxville, Tenn.) 1870-1882, 1880-08-25
EASBY
Mr.. Nasty Details the Trouble that
Ensued by Defective Machine y
at Hancock's Headquarters.

GoyERNoR's ISLAND,
Which is in the State Nv Moo York; !
August 6, 1880.
The newspapers are full Nv an ak
kount Nv Gen. Hancocks faintin in
the presence Nv two delegashuns witch
called on him.
The troo history Nv the case is
this:
We have a electric arrangement
from the ante room where I stand to
the generals rooms. There are 60
KEYS marked with the states and the
shades NV opinyun which make up
the dimekratlc party. This one is
marked "Noo York-hard money!
another "Loozeaner-secesh." aud so
on.
NY dooty is to admit only one
party at time to see the general,
and to notify him in advance wat
principles the visitin party perfesses,
that our candidate may make no mis-
takes.
For instans, ther comes d man from
Pennsylvania. It is my duty to find
what his noshuns are on the tariff,
I ask him, to begin with, how trade is
He ansers, 'Bully." Then I say
chow does the present tariff work for
you?" He SEE, "Bully," wunst more,
and then l know all about it. He is
interested in manufacters, and is a
high tariff man.
Then the matter looks comparative
ly simple. I itch a key witch is
marked "Pennsylyany-tarlff," and
send him into the presence, and
Gineral Hancock knows eggsactly
wat to say to him, and he seq it, and
sends him away happy.
Eff the visitor is from Illinoy, and
happens to be a free trader, key is
fetched so labeled, and the gineral
also knows wat to say to him.
The same rool applies to all other
visitors. We hev ez many keys ez
there are ehades of opinion In the
party. 1t requires gigantic intellect
to keep the run Nv EN-, and that is
why okkepy that responsible posi-
shun.
Nv course / make mistakes &C.
casionly, for no man kin keep the
track Nv SIGH diversity Nv prinsiple.
[ did tech the key marked "Wor
Dimekrat," for a secesh major from
Looseaner, and he came out in a tow
ering rage st bein informed by the
gineral that he shood never be salts
fed till every man witch bore arms in
J the confedracy had passed away, that
. mite hav peace, and it WIZ mis-
AXE when / tethed the key marked
"Confedracy" and sent in aWiskon
sin farmer witch he'd he'd two sons
killed at Antietam. The old man
didn't like to be told that confedrit
soljers shood hey the same penshuns
ez the northern hirelins wich invaded
the south so brootally. r as ell
But, the trouble referred to ak
kurred yesterday. There come
delegashun Nv wide-hatted men from
Maine aud II jeanny, witch wantid tt
consult the giueral ez to his views or
the CRATE question Nv unlimited green
bax, and Just at the same mint the
cum delegashun from the city, IL
Moo York witch wuz goin TO de-
mand expreshun ez to honis
money. Ell. a...
l insisted that but one delegashu
shood go in at time, and as the II
jeanny men wuz neerest the door,
fetched the soft money key, and ask
ed 'em in. The hard money me
hustled them aside, and thinkln the
would push in first, I fetched the har
money key. This demoralized th
gineral, and to add to the horror u,
the accident they both pushed pas
me, and rushed in all together.
Then scene ensooed wich battle
descripshen.
'sW at we want to know, sed til
spokesman Nv the Injeany and Main
delegashun, SIS in the event Nv voc
eleckshun. is the kentry to hev OF
limited money and consekent pros
perity."
swat we want to know, sed th
he'd Nv the Moo York delegashun, eli
if the democracy succeeds are we t
hev honist money and is the nashns
debt to be paid in gold?"
The gineral turned pale and locke
,. at me implorinly. He wuz not exc
to the emergency, but 1 wuz.
> whispered in his ear ''faint' and seei
ed him in my arms. Takin the hir
he drawd long Sigh, aud fell out u
his cheer senselis to all appearance
gentleman" sed I, ''our mob
candidate hez bin overworked an
nacher asserts herself. Will 20
please retire while I briag him to!
They went out, and tie Gineral g
! up. care they all gomez" he asked
! "They are all gone" sed I.
f "There must be new plan fixed
E sed he. T. csa't keep on falntin
this way till the first of Novembe
, The next time this happens I sh'
y faint in dtd earnest, and it win be n
sham
Wat we shell do I don't know.
wuz sejestid that our candidate tax