Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1880-08-20
MIDSUMMER WIT.

The fly is the most regular Of church
attendants.
1t is because it is getting weak that a
lawyer rests his case.
The drowning man and the lemonade
drinker catch at straw.
Doctors are like verbs. They are reg
ular, irregular and defective.
Why are lawyers like ivy?- Because,
the greater the ruin, the more they cling.
''Say, John, is your sweetheart fac
tory grip" eyes, Bill, she's salts
factory"
No one can describe the expression
which sits upon an migrants face the
first time he tastes American pie.
A rat poison is advertised that will
make rats go away to neighbours house
and die. 1t fills want long felt.
A heartless London contemporary calls
a sallow girl dressed in burnt sienna a
living, walking cup of rhubarb and mag
nesia.
The condor of the Andes is said to kill
his prey with his bill, and the milliners
of this country are trying the game on
the married men.
Another man overheard" as the
landlady remarked when the dead beat
skipped on Saturday night without pay
ing for his weeks board.
1t cost Sara Bernhardt 1000 francs
to lose her temper. But she was so very
mad that she probably got her moneys
worth.-Cincinnati Gazette.
Newly-arrived English boys make the
best inside clerks, but it takes an Ameri-
can boy to run errands, and say to cred
itors ''The boss amt in," when he is.
There is no calling that cannot be ele-
waited; even book-agent can make his
pursuit dignifed by remaining at home
all day and sending his wife out for
orders.
The young lady who recently sang,
II seek for thee in every flower" we are
glad to say, has found the object of her
search. His name is "Sweet William"
No cards.
A youngster asked his father if sailors
were very small men. 'No" replied the
father, "why do you askP" Because
replied the boy, 81 read Of one sleeping
in his watch"
I'm a census taker," said he, smiling.
in the doorway. "All right, but you
mustn't in-cen-sus," said the man of the
house, and he was Immediately arrested,
and fined 800 according to law.
''Here, you young rascal, walk up and
give an account OF yourself, where have
you been?" "After the girls father"
"Did you ever know me to do so when [
was boyP" mo sir, but mother did"
"What papers off my writing-desk are
you burning therep" cried an author to
the servant-girl. "Oh, only the paper
what's all written over, sir. | hain't
touched the clean," was the comforting
reply.
The table waiter was putting some
butter in small dish used for that pur-
pose, when the call-bell tapped. Hold
on minute" said the waiter to the dish,
''I'm called, little butter cup."-Break
fast Table.
49," said a lady recently to mer-
chant, "your pretty daughter has mar
ried rich husbandp" We'll" slowly
replied the father, 81 believe she has
married a rich man, but l understand he
is very poor husband"
''I'd have you to know" exclaimed
Mrs. Uppakrust, haughtily tossing her
head, ''that my family always moved in
the upper circles "Yes," whispered
Mrs. Blunt to her friend Sarah Jones,
81 hearn tell that the scum always rises
to the top"
Doctor Cooking learned and speaking
slowly: "Well mariner, which tooth
do you want extractedP Is it the molar
or incisorp" Jack (short and sharp);
'It's in the upper tier, on the larboard
side. Bear a hand, you swab, for it is
nipping my jaw like lobster"
'Tis lovely in the evening
When the sun is sinking low,
To go out upon the river
With the girls, to take row.
But it isut quite so pleasant
As the boat goes softly skimming,
| To run right into crowd
OF boys in swimming.
A doctor in Maine proposes to fast for
ty days, claiming that he can subsist on
the magnetism he will draw from those
having full stomachs, which is to sus-
tain him during his fast. But suppose
his only attendants were Alexander H.
Stephens and Sara Bernhardt, how much
magnetism would the doctor drawP
An Irishman was in Havana, where
cock fighting was fashionable, and he
thought he would take game fowl
back to the old country. Some graceless
scamp sold him an ordinary duck, re-
marking that it was peculiar and very
choice and powerful animal When
Pat showed his prize to his shipmates he
was greeted with ridicule. Somewhat
nonplussed, he scratched his head mo-
ment, but suddenly frightened up, cry
ing: "Jist look at his fut All creation
couldn't trip him up"