The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1880-04-06
HUMOROUS.

RECENTLY q Methodist church in
Nevada expelled one of Its members.
He thought it the result Of the PASTORS
spite against him, and, not to be out
done In his devotions, he conducts them
at present in rather an original way.
He owns q saw mill near the church.
On Sunday he attaches to his engine
an immense steam calliope, with which
he makes his instrumental music, and
with the "Sweet Bye and Bye" browns
the voice OF the ncighboring parson.
JUDGE, sEvEREI.Y-"IIow do you
know the defendant is married man?
Were you ever at his hOusep" mo,
SIR" "Do you know him personally ?"
"No, SIR" "Do you know his wife"
"No, sir" "Did anybody ever tell
you they were married." "No, sir;
but when | see man and woman come
to the same church regularly for three
years, occupy the same pew, and have
a hymn-bOok apiece to sing out of, !
don't want to see no marriage certifi-
ate from them. l can swear to their
relation all the time" Verdict FOR
plaintiff.
A POOR devil was walking the other
day on tie Boulevartls, in the piercing
cold, clad in a paletOt made OF very
thin stuff .anu ornamentcd with two
large holes, one on the lett, the other
Oh The right.
"Yoil must be froZen," remarked one
OF his comrades.
"No, replied tife other; "and, to be
frank with you, do not even feel the
cold it enters through one hole and
goes out through the other"
"ANYTuING stirring this morning ?"
asked a gossiping fellow, as he poked
his head into a neighbours breakfast
room. Eyes," blandIy replied the
gentleman Of the house, as he glanced
at the spoon with which he was stirring
the sugar in his coffee.
AN Irish editor, claiming the lnven-
ton of everything from potatoes to
potheen for the Green Isle, gravely
claims the pianoforte, and he does it
'hus: "rhe pianoforte of the present
DAY is simply tho Irish harp, placed
horizontally in II long box, and played
by machinery"
"THAT's stupid brute of yours,
John," said a Scotch minister to his
parishioner, the peat-dealer, who drove
his merchandise from door to door, in
Il small cart drawn by donkey; II
never see you but the creature is bray
ing" "Ah, sir" said the peat.dealcr
"ye ken hearts warm when frlen's
meet"
A FARMERS son In England, during
lesson IN astronomy, was asked by the
teacher If he knew what was meant by
the milky way2 He Indignantly re.
piled: "Why, sir, tits the whey as
comes from the cheese: :,
els there much water in the cistern
Biddy?" inquired gentleman OF his
Irish girl, as she came up from the Gel
lar. lit Is full OH the bottom, sir, bul
there's none ut the top" said Biddy.
"MY dear Julia" said one pretty Cir
to another, "can you make up your
mind to marry that odious Mr.. Snutf?'
"Why, my dear Mary" replied Julia,
81 believe l could take him at pinch u
"LEr's Illustrate it," hiccoughed a
political orator. "It's beautiful. You
see, an old farmer comes to town load
ell with new wheat, an he goes home
loaded with old rye.'
"LEAvE my presence - She exclaim.
ed. mot much, 1 won't leave your
presenJs," he replied, as he scooped
'cm into his Ulster, and silently stole
away.
"LIFE is Short" observed the minis
ter. ''That's exactly my fX," replied
an old hummer, as he got up and mad,
Tor the door.
SOME people will pay everything elst
before they Will pay at,en III. W.
have often realized this when trying tt
: get Oft something smart.
Coal dealers perIer Newfoundland
dogs to any other breed. They weigi
more, and they sit quietly on the car
while the load Is on the scales.
| How in the world can floating deb
, be paid out of q sinking 'und2
WHAT kind of jures are most danger
Gus to our liberties? Why, perjuries
"HAPpY to meat you," said n polite
butcher to a lady customer.
WHAT vegetable does a great spend
!. thrift resemble? The leek.
) THE price OF soap IS rapidly adj
vancing. A years supply Of Don
BINS ELECTRIC bought now a
old price will be very judicious pur
chase.
For COUGHs, Asthma and Throa
Disorders, use sBro,cn's BroncAia
TyOcJeS - haUino o. nrnval thn - a m ,.i n, a.,