The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1880-03-04
VARIETY AND HUMUR.

VARIETY AND HUMOR.
The young mans first razor-Her
fathers boot.
-Flattery is like Cologne water, to
shifted at, not swallowed.
"A man in York County, s. c., eighty
four years old, is cutting his third set Of
teeth.
In Buncombe County, N. c., q one
legged man has married woman who
is similarly MANNED.
AS is the golden tress of hair in but
ter, so are unkind words from the lips
of . beautiful woman.
The three narcotics most often re-
sorted to and abused Tor the purpose of
securing sleep are opium, laudanum and
choral.
Mrs. Youngwoman wants to know
show she can tell fresh egg from q
stale one" Taste it, goosey, taste it.
darlington Has0keye.
Horse running away at the rate of
a mile a minute. It's all right, Maria;
we'll reach the river soon and he'll have
to stop then, sure. Puck.
Nothing will more nightly con-
vince a man of the truth of religion
than to mark the difference in ones
feelings when he does a kind deed and
when he doss a mean one.-N. y
Herald.
Said one of society's smart orna-
ments to lady friend: "This is leap
year, and I suppose you will be asking
some one to marry you?' "Oh, NOS
was the reply, "my finances won't per-
NIT me to support a husband"
So many societies for the promo
ton of things are established that John
ME wants to know why somebody
doesn't get up society for the promo
ton of boys in school, without making
them study so.-Kansas CITY Times.
The boys of Portland, Me-, have a
coasting place where they can slide
mile and half. A person hasty at
forming conclusions might infer that
Portland boys are happy. Far other
wise. The slidable youths are waiting
and yearning for snow.
The latest fashion in Cincinnati is
for young lady to rush into the Office
of bachelor friend, kiss him, and say
she accepts his offer of marriage, al
though, of course, the unfortunate
creature has never made any. Their
only excuse is that this is leap-year.
The Kentucky House of Repre-
sentatives has passed bill making it
misdelneanor punishable by fine not
less than twenty dollars nor more than
fifty dollars for any person to use
abusive or insulting language to an
other with intent to cause breach of
the peace.
"A sentimentalist says that an ounce
of heart is worth ton of culture. We
have no doubt that this is true. especial
ly if a man is real hungry and the heart
is nicely fried in bread crumbs or
chopped up and put in the gravy.
There is no way of cooking culture so
that it will take the place of either
heart or liver.-keokuk Cute CITY.
-Montfitzburg, VINO has been ind1lg-
ing in amateur farming, says nothing is
as it is represented. "They sold me q
cow" he complains, "that they said
would give eight quarts of milk day;
but l took pail to her and addressed
her in the politest terms, and if you'll
believe it. sir, she wouldn't give gill!
The milk had to be taken from her by
force"
Little Edith, who has heard her
mamma speak of blighted affections
I" Mamma, and you think if person is
really and truly in love, it would be
wicked to deprive her of the object of
her affections?" Mamma" Why, GER
tainly, Edith, dear; but where in the
world did you learn all that?' Edith
II heard you tell it to Mrs. Jinglejaw
to-day. And, mamma, I'm awfully in
love with that loaf Of cake in the cup,
board" It is needless to say that
Edith and the object of her affections
were Immediately united.-Boston Tram
script.
"A well-dressed lady called at car
pet warehouse and asked to look at
some carpets. The goods were shown,
every pattern in the shop being spread
out for examination. After looking at
everything about the place, and driving
some very close bargains in the matter
of price, the lady selected carpet for
each room in her house, running up
bill which filed the salesman's heart
with joy. When all was completed, he
asked where the carpets were to be
sent. The lady replied, without hest
tation, that she would call and let him
know. "You see," she added, envy
husband has just bought a piece of
ground and talks of soon building q
house on it. If he does, you know, I
shall want some new carpets, and then
l will call anu order these."-N. Y.
Paper.
The Rev. Mr.. Parry, a clergyman
near Worcester, Mass, recently de-
ceased, has left a will bequeathing to
his Christian friends his unspeakable
and everlasting love, to his enemies his
forgiveness, and his books to parish
Toner. His sermons, letters and manu-
scripts are to be burned unread; his
death is not to be announced in a news
paper; his corpse to be dressed in his
poorest clothing and nailed up in box
OF unplaned boards; at his funeral no
cae is to look at his body; there must
be no flowers, no clergyman, no stran-
gers, no service except the reading of
two Psalms by deacon Bowker;' he
is to be taken in an express wagon to
grave in any lot one of his Practitioners
will give him; but there must be no
headstone or any sign to mark his place
of burial, as his Lord and God will
need no reminder of the place where
his dust reposes." His wife, from
whom he some time before separated,
is forbidden attending his funeral. She
has asked that the will be not admitted
to probate.
A Railroad Running Away.