Litchfield enquirer., 1880-04-22
CLIPPINGS.
hoice-Mrs. Hobson

counters laDeiieQ ''lo, lo, if.
 x,- Greenland has no cats Imagine cats in 8 country where the nights are six months long & F
 z. Few persons can handle hot chimney and say there is no place like home at the same time.
 The placidity of expression worn by man who is ''next" in 8 full barber shop cannot be counterfeited. --s
 Patrick (dresslng for a party).-"Bedad now, and sha'n't be able to git on these boots till I've worn thim toime or two"
 Davis, the bigamist,, doesn't part his hair in the middle nor lisp nor wear two-pound sleeve buttons, and yet sec how he mashed 'em! .
 "On pended knees; or, the missing collar button," The Hackensack Republican thinks would be taking title for work on profane history. ~-
 Shakespere foresaw that Oilymargarine would some day be used as term of reproach, when he wrote: "Oh, thou mechanical salt- butter man " .-s "
 A Tennessee man can so perfectly initiate the sounds made by two dogs engaged ln fighting that he can call Memphis congre- gation out of church in three minutes.
 An Iowa clergyman preached against the sin of shaving on Sunday, and the next Sab bath the sexton refused to split kindlings to start fire, and the congregation dispersed.
 Col. Mapleson writes card, wanting to know wh va $12 London bonnet costs $63 in New York. When the Colonel gets his bill from a New York dentist he will forget about this
 A new book is entitled "A Manual of Eti- .quette and Dress of the Best American So- ciety" Any one at all curious to know how editors dress and behave should have copy of this work.
 A Toronto alderman, of the typical ample dimensions, wandered around for while on the 1st day of April with a placard across his back inscribed "Widened at the expense of the corporation"
 The sick man had been brought back as if by miracle from the very gates Of death ''It is too bad. too bad," says the clergyman ''hell never he half as ready to die as had him this time."
 "1 say the picture of 8 woman who looks for all the world like you in down town photograph window today" said West Slider to his wife recently. And before he hardly got hls breath she innecently inquired. Was 1t ot-Mrs Langtry!
 The Hon. E. s. Cleaveland is reminded, by the present situation in the democratic ranks in Hartford, of the man who read on Daniel Webster's monument, 'I still >live," and re- marked, "If I was dead, I'd have sense enough to own it."
 A man told his friend that he had joined the army. "What regiment" his friend asked. 'Oh, 1 don't mean that l mean the army of the Lord" "Ah. what churcn?" "The Bap- tists." "Why," was the reply, ''that's not the army it's the navy"
 Scene at Williams College. Junior trans lating New Testament. "And the-an'- and the Lord said, Lord said unto-unto Moses" Here he hesitated and looked appeal ingly at neighbor, who being also unprepar- ed, whispered. Skip it." Junior going on:. "And the Lord said unto Moses, skip it." Great consternation ensued.
 "Why do you keep all the caramels your- self, Johnny2" asked West Philadelphia mother of her son why not give Lucy half of them'" ''Oh, because" said Johnny. Because what 2' "Just because Pm a mo- nopolist. Didn't you say the other day that if papa hadn't been monopolist he couldn't a succeeded so well2 ?"
 A nice distinction. to milk man: My friend, you put water in your milk" ''Oh, no, don't man." "But 1 am sure you do" "Oh, no, man." ''Now will you say solemnly that you do not put water in your milkp" "Well. mann, well, must say that sometimes put some water in the can, and put the milk in that, but never put the water in the milk"
 A train was stopped on the Muskegan Val ley (Ohio) Railroad just in time to save it from being wrecked on timber that had been tied to the track. A search was made for the plotter, and he was caught hiding behind d bush near by. Asked as to his motive, he said: "Weli. it's so damned dull out here in the country that thought I'd have some fun, somehow
 A laughable incident occurred in one of the churches on Easter Sunday. The clergyman announced that the offertory would be applied to reducing the debt on the church. During the singing of the music, while the collection was being taken up, the tenor, who is Ger man, had solo, in which occurred the words land the dead shall be raised" He succeed ed in electrifying the congregation by giving out at the top of his voice, "Und ze debt shall be raised in ze twingling ov an eye."
 One very hot day case was being tried in a court of law in one of the Western States The counsel for the plaintiff had been speak ing at great length, and. after referring to numerous authorities, was about to produce another imposing volume, when the judge iE- quired what was the amount in dispute. On being informed that it was two dollars, "WelP' said he, ''thc weather is very hot, l am very old, and also feeble-Ill pay the amount my self"
 A noble English lord, as proud and fond as man should be of his beautiful young wife, was just about rising to speak in a debate when telegram was put in his hands. He read it, left the House, jumped into cab, drove to Charing Cross and took the train 10 Dover. Next day he returned home, rushed into his wife's room, and finding her there up- braided the astonished lady in no measured terms. She protested her ignorance of having done anything to offend him. "Then what did you mean by your telegram ?" he asked Well What 1 said, of course. What arc you talking about ?" "Read it for yourself, |" said he. She read "I flee with Mir. -to Dover straight. Pray for me-" For a mo- ment words would not come then after d ly remarked: 70 those dreadful telegraph people! No wonder you are out of your mind, dear. 1 telegraphed simply: I tea with Mrs.--in Dover street. Stay for me-"
 One of the members of the bar in Saratoga, who thoroughly enjoyes good joke, relates the following, and applies the moral to him. self: Not long since he was counsel in case before Judge Pratt, referee and during the progress of the trial became little bit noisy, as he sometimes does, when the judge looked up and said to him: ''Mr. -, did you ever hear of the man who was lost in the woods during a thunder storm2" On being answered. in the negative, tine judge continued; "A man. in attempting to pass through piece of woods, lost dis way, and while he was in that predicsment fearful thunder storm came up The woods grew awfully dark The roaring of the wind and the crashing of the thunder was terrific. The man was frightened and started to pray, but not being used to that bus iness, said; o Lord, give us a little more light and little less noise r don t mean you, Mr oddad tha ;,,d~a ss