The Newtown bee., 1880-12-15
NUMBER 23.
HUMOROUS.

Qer6 IS d uef,lCeu Cildugt lOr LUG ocb- ter-when he loses.-NeU Fork Netcs.
 There is nothing more chilling to an ardent lover than the Beautiful's No.
 Good sailors, given rope enough, can make ever so many knots an hour PicGyune.
 Some women are like shotguns. They would attract no attention if it were not for their bangs.
 Ladies bonnets are smaller this winter" says HdrpeT's Bdzdr. So are not the bills.-HaUkeye. When fellow now wants to talk real nice slang he says: "Oh, file your ear and look pleasant"
 A man always wants his hens to have murderous designs upon him: They then will lay for him.-Bostoaa Rost. The bore is no sooner trained to shut ap office door than the weather changes and you want your door left open | RicGyu,se.
 When a dead mans property is put under the hammer, its a sale oi eaectsi | but when a man gets seasick, 1t IS the effects of a sail.
 The Boston Journal cf Coninicrce pub- | fishes a lot of dyeing recipes; but none | of them beat the old way of foolip g with an empty shotgun.
 An exchange says: Streams all over ! the county are running dry Inls IS q ! ranard When a stre nm is dry IL can't run.-NorristoU Herald. ! Cincinnati has |" Matrimonial Bene- | fit Association" which pays each mem | Der who marries sl GOO. It's worth all | that to marry Cincinnati girL-Bosto's ! Post.
 | The Boston Courier gives the follow | ing wise piece of advice to it's bacheioi readers: "Never marry girl unless you have known her &. least three cays and a picnic"
 | You can excuse a man for taking | gloomy vieT of life when he names ms child for rich uncle and the Cnc.e al lows it. and then the day after baptism
 goes into bankruptcy.
 After all, wien you come right down to honest pedesLrisnism, the American can ride more miles in the street car
 without getting tired than any otler people in the world.-Buvdeite-
 Natural gas wells are b::ing discovered in Nevada Now, says the Philadelphia
 Su0tl1v Dispdtch. we know where the
 multiludinous Western orators ootaln
 their inspiration.
 The young woman who had many
 suitors, and from the time she was six
 teen until she was twenty-one rejected
 them all, referred in her later lie to that
 period as her declining years. "-Steis- 6enUiyc Herald.
 | Al gentleman saw an old Highlander
 one day fishing with bent pin He sald
 to the man: "Fish will never be caught
 with that" "Ay, they will" the man
 repIied eff they'll only take it into
 their heads"
 "She tossed me a kiss in the pale
 moonlight" carols forth a poet. Well,
 if this doesn't beat baseball playing all
 to flinders. We always managed to get into the left field when those sort or
 things were tossed. and the shortstop
 picked them all-MeS0 RaUeH Register
 Although linen, muslin and silk were
 never more plentiful in the market,
 handkerehiefs constructed or these commodities continue to go up- we
 suppose this is due to the fact that fel-
 lows nose is situated so near the top cf
 his body.-Ne,o Fork Dispgtch-
 We find the following in ?. column of
 baseball news: "Muffs, this year, wi'I
 be made of velvet, with q center of fur
 to match" The cenIyr oi iur especial y
 is brilliant ides. and will be mppre-
 ciated by any one who ever ai,s.ni i'leH
 to take "hot liner" and failed to cen
 nect.-Bufdlo Courier A young couple in their honeymoon are dallying langaidiy with tbe grapes , st dessert. She says: " And you doi'6 find ii tiresome, dear, all alone with mes You are quite, quite sure thas you con | ] wish to go back to your bachelor nle
 again ?" He says: Quite. my dar-
 ling. Indeed, married life IS so awiui!y jolly that, you know, ii you were To dle l to night I'd get married again to-mor- ; row."
 An old woman in Galveston, weigh ing about 300 pounds, slipped Tn cross [ ing the street-car track, and came down in the mud and water. 1t sounded nke } dropping custard out of & seconc-story
 window. The driver of the streetcsI ? held up his mule and called out: l say, if you will get uo and let me orive on you can sit down again as soon as the car passes"
 When we saw in a fashion paper that "a lace plastron is exceedingly oressy ' :. the ends are full. and the plaits are rather deep" we at once overhauled our 5 own plastron. to see If it was in style. t We are afraid it isn't. It is not made ol ! ! ,.ace. but of flannel; it is bound with ! red tape, it has no plaits tfat we can !, see: and tine ends are hitched to string 5 that goes around our neck There IS ! something wrong about this. We are ! out of the fashion. Has our druggis' n U deceived usp-Huck