Connecticut western news., 1880-08-11


 necessary to the success of merchant, is to
 keep honest goods, and advertise in the NEWS.
 George has an interesting article headed
 ''Hall's Emporium" in another column, which will repay careful perusal.
 l As an excursion was approaching the de- pot last Friday, @ little boy attempted to
 climb from the track onto the high depot platform, but, being unable to do so, would
 undoubtedly have been struck by the train, which made no stop at the depot had not agent Loomis grabbed him and pulled him up. There are number of boys who are in the habit of fooling around the trains at this station, jumping on and off moving cars, and hazarding life and limb, which they prob ably will continue to do until one of them goes home with his leg under his arm.
 l The notorious Sewing machine case, y brought by Peter Funk against John Calvin to recover possession of sewing machine sold by lottery, and claimed by both Funk and Calvin, each holding ticket having the win ming number, has just been decided again. It ! will be remembered that the case was tried before Justice Roberts in this place last winter
 who decided for Calvin. An appeal from this decision was taken, and the case came up | again in the District Court at Falls Village last Friday before Judge Fyler, who reversed | the decision of Justice Roberts, the jury find l ing for Funk. It is said Calvin will carry the case up to the Supreme Court of Errors. The I machine is worth about ten dollars, and by l the time it finds on owner it will have become dear piece of property.
 Reader, do you want to know how to tell your own fortune2 Well we'll tell you, but don't you give it away. Just examine the address on the colored label on the out side of this paper, and see if the date indi- cates that your subscription to the NEWS is paid up. If the date is back of 1880, your future-we hate to say it, but it becomes our duty-is dubious and horrible. Your favor ite candidate will never be elected you'll al- ways hold the wrong ticket in lottery your cattle will die; your mother in-1aw won't; your nearest nelghbor's s daughter will take music lessons; your ene- my will be appointed to judge upon your pumpkins and cucumbers at cattle show; ; you'll endorse the wrong mans note.-And we might go on, and on, and enumerate the inevitables of the awful future, until, utterly disheartened, you would seek relief either in suicide or by paying your subscription. On q, +hor hor, 1oto subscription, then prosperity is in store for you, and everything will work to your satis- faction. You will marry cool $1 1000, 900 i; your mother-in-law will mistake arsenic for catarrh snuff; the hoss you bet on will al- ways win. The NEWS will reach you regular ly each week ;ssthe squeaking hand'organ will always stop in front of your obnoxious neigh bors house, and last but not least, "when thy summons come" you'll go to heaven, where all paid up subscribers, and long suf- fering editors-who sling no campaign mud at either Dr. Tanner, Beecher or the candi- dates-tune their harps, and look way down into the bottomless pit, where the little fiery tongued imps are holding red-hot birthstone and limburger cheese under the noses of their shrieking victims, some of whom will howl, in their awful agony: "For heavens sake stop that, and give me receipt for five years sub." COLOR BLINDNESS AT TSANDTowN.-Editor | of de -ssNoos :n-At de. last meetin' of de Hancuff an Garter Club Mayor Hall sed 1t becum his horrible dooty to zamine de mem- bers for collar blindness. He sed, "lt am one of de necessaryest of ad 66jtuns dat every { member of dis club shall be able to smell de collar and size of a spring chicken, wid his mouf shut, wen de coop is darker dan ton ot coal, derefore, gemlen If you will set in cir cIe on dat long bench, de excises of zamina- shun will begin to commence. Remember, gemlen dat every member who behaves his- self shall get stifikit so long as he can see hole in a ladder, an if de state board of az ricuIture attempts to dismember any of de members, de club will carry it up to de su- preme court of hairs, an test de unconstan- tooshannulism of de act. [grate applaws an loud silence. De fust qwestshun to be sub jected am, what was de collar Of Zebedee's chilun?n Sam. Watkins sed if dey was bawn in San'town dey was punkin collared, but de Mayor scrowned at him an looked ugly, an Sam. didn't undertake to prove de proof of his epigram. Sharpey sed he herd dat riddle before, an de answer was "Zebedee. , ''Right," sed de Mayor. "Now, what am de collar of de Canaan policemen's eyes and de inside walls of de Canaan lookup. De silence dat fell after dat kwestshun was bigger dan a hay.stack, and de Mayor go on, and say, What am de collar of de Canaan fire hose an de street sprinkler? an de waterin' troft p Den Bion Rice who was asleep seem to wake up an he say: T never seen Can aan policeman's eyes, but seen one of 'em's s
 back once, but it got so fur off fore cood focus my vision dat coodn't ketch de collar, but it looked checkered. I don't no muffin
 bout de lookup an fire trofft." You'll have de furst sti6kit." sez de Mayor. Den Bion Rice sez, "When I go up to Canaan it don't make no differens how Sttf Egat. Dey won't" ''No punnin' in dis club room, un- der de execution of de laws majisty p roared de Mayor. "What am de collar of dis red hankerchif? ?" s'De same collar as Boney's
 cider," yelled Troom. Stedman. Right again. Now what's de collar of a church wall on de inside?" Bert Jackson whistled
 Yankee Doodle, an Bill Wooster stick pin in Will Johnson's leg, an Will jump up an say sshellfire l" an lam Jackson's he'd aginst de wall, but none of 'em cood ansur de in- tegrashun. De Mayor was gittin' riled, an sed he woodn't stan no foolin'. Den dey paid 'tenshun wid dere moufs open, ap' de Mayor ask: "What's de collar of Dells stockin's ?n