The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1880-10-30
WIT AND nUMoR.


WIT AND nUMOR.
AN expeotant nephew took upon one
side the physician who visited his uncle
and demanded to know the whole
truth cOncerAing that beloved relative,
"He 10 dying !" said the doctor.
The nephew howled with plteous
lamentations.
But the old doctor who knew human
nature, and expectant nephews in par
tioular. exclaimed: ;
"YOu misunderstood me did not
say ne wss recoverlng-l said he Is dy-
ingW
The orguinette is new musical In =
strument calculated to carry great
deal Of joy and sorrow into house
hold-joy among the children and sor.
row among the grown-up people. The
music Is fed into the orguinette like
grain into q. threshinG machine, and q
nVe-year-old boy Is warranted to grind
out one hundred tunes an hour-if his
parents are not at home. AS the in
strument costs only one sixth the price
| Ut a hand-0rxan, It naturally causes
hVe-sixths more gloom.
/ =. NNE Ntsy az uIuuoi u was observer
that Oracle had little or no appetite.
tue fact and surmised that the voal of
the previous days dinner had not
agreed with her. SCREEN apples, more
likely" sententiously observed her
unmarried aunt. Indignant parent.
TITS no suoh thing. you haven't
Oracle ?" draoie. mo, they WAS WAS
red."
A YOUNG man with an umbrella
overlook al unprotected lady acquaint-
anco In the rain storm recently, and
extending mis- umbrella over her re-
qnested the pleasure of acting as her
rain-beau. "Oh1' exclaimed the
young lady, taking his arm, "you wish
mo to be your rain-dear." Two souls
with but single umbrella, two forms
that stepped as one.
"THE fact is," remarked Jones,
"there are lots Of people whom 1 hate
most religlouslv; but my memory is so
confoundedly treacherous that can't
remember ever night who they are.
There Is Plngree, now. 1 had a big
row with him yesterday, and you'll
believe 1t, l caught myself shaking
hands with the fellow this morning."
A YOUNG couple in their hone ynloon
are dallying languidly with the grapes
at dessert. Sue (archly)-"And you
don't find It tiresome, dear, all alone
with mep You are quite, quite sure
that you don't wish to go back to your
bachelor life again9" He Earnestly
-"Quile, my darling, indeed, married
lite ls SO awfully jolly that, you know,
If you were to die tonight I'd get
married again Tomorrow
"THIs Is nice time Of night for you
to be coming ill.," said a mother to her
daughter, who returned from a walk
at ten O'Clock. "When was like YOU"
continued she, "my mother would not
allow me out latter than O'Clock"
ooh, you had nice sort of mother"
murine ured the girl. "Ihad, you your q,
jade" suid the mother, ga nicer mo-
Gher than you ever had"
A scHooLBoY spelled decimal and
pronounced it dismal. "What do you
mean by calling that dismal ?" exclaim-
ed the teacher. "'CaUse It is" an
swered the boy. "It's dismal fractions.
ALI fra ctions are dismal. There isn't Il
bit OF fun In any of 'em."
A LITTLE boy was walking with his
mamma, and there fell from above his
head an avalanche OF SCOT blown by the
wind from a netghb0ring chimney.
"Helloa !" cried he; quite astonishetl,
''some niger snow!"
SAID a crafty husband to his business
partner, ~ have promised my wife all
immense surprise for birthday"
t'More extravaganza ?" "I shall give
her nothing. It will be al immense
surprise"
"WHEN you order new covering
for your parasoal, of particular color,
you should always give the shade, my
DEAR" said lady to her daughter, W no
exclaimed, "Give the shade, mamma |!
Why. the parasol Will dc that!'
ToDDLEsKINs Is very small man,
indeed, but he said he never minded It
at all until his three boys grew up to
be tall, strapping young fellows. and
his wife began to cut down their old
cloths to tit him.
THE married man who came home
from political meeting at Q A. NJ. the
other day discovered that Ills wife
could outtalk any politician In the
country.
"JULIA' wants to know how to keep
her husband home at night, and the
Oil City Derrick advises her to have
female minstrel shows in the parlor
and beer saloons In the yard, 60.
AN Iowa man sent mis- wife to
prayer meeting to prepare herself for
death, as he intended to kill her when
she returned. She went, but didn'S 20
back.
No Cure No Pay.
DR.. Pierce's Family Medicines are