The Cincinnati daily star. [volume] ([Cincinnati, Ohio]) 1875-1880, 1880-02-23
A Lover in Spite Of Himself.
CHAPTER I.

At first I simply laughed the idea TO
scorn. / refused to regard it, even for
moment, in a serious light. l TESTED
with myself about it, and became posi-
lively witty on the subject. let slip
no opportunity to cast ridicule upon it.
My chief resret was that had no ac-
quaintance in town to whom could ex-
patiate on the complete absurdity of the
suggestion. In default of this | took out
my toilet drawer the nine square inches
of cracked mirror before which was ac-
customed to do my shaving and cravat-
tying, and gazing curiously at the heavy
browed, harsh-featured visage therein re-
fccted, I sareastically inquired Of it how
soon it intended getting its portrait
painted in ivory, and hung in locket
round fair lady's neckP l entreated it,
with sardonic humor, to give an example
of winning smile-of an ardent glance
of beseeching gaze. Then / threw
myself in my chair, put my feet upon
my table, filled my rankest pipe with my
strongest tobacco, and while smoked
and lolled, bade myself with hoarse
hhuckle of mockery, amend the rudeness
and unconventionality of my manners,
and abandon all selfish and offensive
habits. In short I did everything to-
prove the folly and groundlessnes Of
this preposterous nOtion-except forget
1t.
So went matters the first day. The
following morning arose to find myself
quite as firm as before, but somewhat
less disposed toward jocosity. Iabused
my imbecility with as much vigor as
yesterday, but with fewer quips and hui
mors. / began to see that, for such a
fool as I had proved myself, stringent
means were best; ought to be too much
ashamed Of the affair to laugh at it or
treat it lightly. Accordingly, I went
about all day with sour and malignant
expression Of countenance; whenever old
Joanna, maidservant, happened to ven
ture into my apartments, / growled like
a dangerous dog at her; and / gave her
my orders that no visitor was to be ad-
mitted, and no letters or messages were1
to be brought up, in tone of such en-
ergy and menace, that you would have
thought my privacy was as important
and as liable to intrusion as Chancellor
Bismarck's; instead of which, the only
person I knew in Dresden, after my six
months residence there, was the Ger
man-American banker; and it was not
likely that he would give himself the
Ntrouble to visit memo, indeed! for my
whole yearly revenue (not including the
sums received for my pictures, because /
had never sold any did not reach fifteen
hundred thalers; and though I knew
that at least twelve per cent. of this
sum went into my German-American
friends pocket under the name of ''com-
mission yet even that douceur would
not suffice to bring him mile and a.
half away into the outskirts of the
Neustadt, and up three flights of dark
and devious staircases, to pay me COM
plimentary call. However, had he, in
spite Of probability, actually made his
appearance, I should not have hesitated,
in my then state of mind, to kick him
downstairs again.
Well, that day passed, and was follow
ed by restless and weary night; and I
awoke in the morning to confront the
fact that my attack had now lasted no
less than forty-two mortal hours, and, SO
far from abating, showed every symptom
Of being on the increase.
l was now seriously alarmed. Here
was I graphing with an insidious and
potent enemy, who apparently knew all
my weak places, and how to take ad-
vantage of them, but of the proper
methods of defending myself against
whom WAS fatally and completely ig-
norant. I had done what could, only
to prove that could do nothing; and in
this case, doing nothing was not a mega
tive and passive, but an active and posi-
tive evil. The more pondered over my
helplessness, the more disturbed did l
become. What did it all mean? What
should l dof What was to be the end
of it?
ate my breakfast of coffee and rolls
IN silence and humility; old Joanna had
no cause whatever to complain of violent
manifestations from me. I spoke to her
submissively and gently. I even enter
tanned the question whetherit might not
be prudent to lay the case before her and
entreat her advice upon it. But shame
prevented me; could not steel myself
to endure her gaze Of incredulity deep
ening into contempt
No-as / had struggled in the solitude
Of, my own heart, so in the same solitude
would I suffer and submit. If l was
really to become slave, let me at least
conceal my fetters. Joanna could not
succor me, for she had never made the
resolutions and embraced the principles
that had--only to see them, at thislate
day, violated and broken. In word,
determined to hold my peace and to put
the best face possible upon my discomf-
ture.
By the time / had arrived at this de-
cision it was already afternoon, and my
customary walking hour was at hand.
Should I 90 out as usual or not? I.had
refrained from going yesterday, but no
good effects had come fmy forbearanee.
On the other hand, if / found reason to
reRiain at home to-day, the same reason
wouId he in "a good force tomorrow. and