The Hawaiian gazette., 1880-07-07
Aalraiiait 6az&tte.
WEDNESDAY. JULY 4. 1850.
MARK twain ON our Babies.


At the dinner given to General Grant the
fifteenth and last regular toast was THE
Babies. As they comfort US in our sorrows,
let us not forget them in our festivities, and
to this Samuel L. Clemens responded. He
said: 81 like that. We have not all had the
good fortune to be ladies. We have not all
been generals, or poets, or statesmen; but
when the toast works down to The Babies,
we stand on common ground, for we have all
been babies. It is shame that for thou
sand years the worlds banquets have utterly
ignored the baby, as if he did not amount to
anything. Oaughter.) If you stop and think
minute-if you go back so or 100 years, to
your early married life, and recontemplate
your first babylon will remember that he
amounted to good deal. and even something
over. You soldiers all know that when that
little fellow arrived at family headquarters
you had to hand in your resignation. (Laugh-
ter) He took entire command You became
his lackey-hB mere body-servant, and you
had TO stand around too. He was not CON-
mander who made allowance for time, dis
lance, weather, or anything else. You had to
execute his orders whether it was possible or
not, and there was only one form OF machinery
in his manual of tactics, and that was the
double quick. He treated you with every
sort of insolence and disrespect, and the
brayest of you didn't dare say word.
Laughter.) You could face the death storm
of Donaldson and Vicksburg, and give back
blow for blow, but when he clawed your
whiskers, and pulled your hair, and twisted
your nose you had to take it. When the
thunders of war were sounding in your ears
YOU set your faces towards the batteries and
advanced with steady tread; but when he
turned on the terrors of his war-whoop you
advanced in the other direction, and mighty
| glad of the chance too. renewed Laughter. }
| When he called for soothing syrup, did you
venture to throw out any side remarks about
certain services being unbecomiDg an officer
and a gentleman? No. You got up and got it.
| (Great Laughter.) When he ordered his pap
bottle, and it was not warm, did you talk
back Not you. You went to work and warm
ed it. You even descended so far in your
mental Office as to take a suck at that warm,
insipid stuff just to see if it was right-three
parts water to one of milk, touch Of sugar to
modify the collie, and drop of peppermint to
kill those immortal hiccoughs can taste
that stuff And how many things you learned
as you went along Sentimental young folks
still take stock in that beautiful old saying
that when the baby smiles it is because the
angels are whispering to him. Very pretty,
but too thin-simply wind on the stomach, my
friends. If the baby proposed to take walk
| at his usual hour-two o'clock in the morning
didn't you rise up promptly and remark,
| with mental addition which would not i'm
| prove Sunday school book, that was the
very thing you were about to propose your
self? Oh. you were under good discipline,
and you went faltering up and down the room
in your undress uniform you not only pratt
tied undignifed baby-talk. but even turned mp
D,aIr
| a-by, baby, in the tree top for instance.
What spectacle for an army of the Tennes-
see And what an affiction for the neighbors,
too, for it is not everybody within a mile
around that likes military music at three in
the morning. And when you had been keep
ing this sort of thing up two or three hours,
and your little velvet head iutimating that
| nothing suited him like exercise and noise,
what did you do? You simply went on until
you dropped in the last ditch. The idea that
baby doesn't amount to anything Why; one
baby is Just house and front yard full by
itself One baby can furnish more business
than you and your whole interior department
can attend to- He is enterprising, irrepressi-
bic, brimful of lawless activities. Do what
you please, you can't make him stay on the
reservation. Sufficient unto the day is one
baby. As long as you are in your right mind,
don't you ever pray for twins. Mr.. Clemens
is the father of pair. Twins amount to per-
manent riot And there amt any difference
between triplets and an insurrection. Yes, il
was high time for toast to the masses tc
recognize the Importance of the babies. Think
what is in store for the present crop! Fifty
years from now we shall all be dead, TRUST, and
then this flag, if it still survives (and let us
hope it may) will be floating over a Republic
numbering 2OO,OOO,O0O souls, according to thu
settled laws of our increase. Our presen
schooner of State will have grown into poll
tical leyiathan--a Great Eastern. The cradl
babies of to-day will be on deck. Let then
he well trained, for we are going to leave
big contract on their hands" (Laughter.)