Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1880-02-09
FACTS AND FANCIES.


Kisses by telephone taste like boiled
china egg on toast.
A suitable texture for baldheaded per-
son would be mo'hair.
1t is the man with the rheumatism who
IS every inch king.
finished lie may be called an accom-
pllshed fact. New Orleans Picayune.
! Bob Ingersoll can be cured, if he can be
made to swallow the gos-pill. II Whitehall
Times.
A recent poet bewails the loss of kiss.
Perhaps 1t was new Article with patent
on it.
A New Jersey man has sued a band that
serenaded him. New Jersey is a great
State.
When man rushes from his cub into
the street III towering passion it's an out
rage.
A pretty wife's big account from the
fashionable milliner is after all only bill
of fair
Professor Proctor says the moon is a
dried up affair. Spent its last quarter
| probably.
81 am dying for love-" said a melan-
choly young man, as he put the coal-black
fluid on his mustache.
The prime tenet of the Moderation, Soci-
| ciety Is that no member shall drink more
than one drink at time
An unlucky person replied, on being
asked what he cleared on a certain specu-
lation, " Nothing but.my pockets"
A contemporary tells the ladies that
they must "take heart" That's just what
they have been doing for ages.
A Hindoo baker, wishing to inform Eng
lishmen of his trade, put on his signp
European Loafer."
There is man named Ice in the peDi-
Tertiary of West Virginia. He froze on to-
somebody else's property.
No kissing by telephone for us. We
prefer to take the electricity direct from
the battery. Whitehall Times.
The large stock of pumpkin pie and crab
apple cider promises an unusually lively
social season at the White House.
Fond mothers easily prevent their youth
full offspring from creeping up the stairs by
scattering few tacks along the route.
In drinking the "good health of
your friends take care you don't get too
much in the habit OF swallowing your own.
The difference between barber and a
sculptor is very slight. The one curls up
and dyes, and the other makes faces and
busts.
"Nothing is difficult to the brave and
faithful" says the Philadelphia American.
How about getting No. 6 foot into a No.
3 shoe?
The old man with nine manageable
daughters would trade off one or two if he
could get a son-in-law to boot Cincin-
natl Star.
WomankInd is like cider, as it were
sweet when first squeezed but growing
more vinegar-like after lying around for
few years.
When youth is twenty-one he is sup
posed to have reached the years of discre-
ton, but it sometimes happens that discre-
ton fails to reach him.
Character makes the man, says an ex-
change. True, but character has been
working on half time for the last dozen
years. New York Express.
A weI-known litterateur and humorist
modestly says that his chief literary ac-
quirements are the books he has borrowed
and never returned.
Glow does painting agree with my
daughter" asked an anxious parent. at
makes her too red in the face, replied the
teacher.
&C Let loose dat hash, is the suggestive
way the colored walters roar their orders
to the commissary department in a restau-
rant in Chicago.
No boy ever yet had good chance to
shy stone through back window that it
didn't take twenty pounds of will-pressure
to the square inch to neglect the opportu-
nifty.
Promises for tomorrow are all right in
their way, but the man who sneers at mush
and milk to look for chicken-pie may have
to fill up ON cold water Detroit Free
Press.
Truth, crushed to earth, will rise again.
But if 1t be crushed to earth, it lies. And
if it lies, it cannot be truth Therefore it
cannot rise again. Q. Z. D.-[Philadel-
phia Bulletin.
s. Forgot it was the first didn't swear
off got to keep on as poor, miserable
drunkard for year more too bad ! -
signs heart-broken man who neglected
his chance.
Iago Is the name OF butcher in Des
Moines, Iowa, who supplies number of
customers with warm beefs blood every
day. They simply call around and sing
out, ''Blood, Iago, blood !"-[ Waterloo
Observer.