The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-03-05
He Wanted to be an Actor.

A citizen whose best weight never ex-
ceeds. 120 pounds was the other day buy
ing a couple of hens of farmer on the
market, and before the bargain was con-
cluded the two became quite friendly,
and the farmer said he had something on
his mind to communicate. One OF his
BOYS had O passion for theatricals, and
was desirous of becoming an actor. The
idea was so strong on him that he had be-
come worthless around the farm, and the
father was in peck of trouble to know
how to tu1n the boys thoughts from the
footlights to the pillow.
"'Spose I send him to you, and 'spose
YOU make fun and ridicule him and let
him see how foolish it is ?" suggested the
father, and the citizen agreed.
As result of their planning, the boy
walked into the citizens place of bust
ness, on Congress street East, next morn
ing. The father had called him boy,
but he weighed about 16O pounds, stood
nearly six feet high, and he had a pair of
hands as large as the chrome of the Yo-
semitic Valley. His arrival was expected,
and after few words about the weather
the citizen querled:
$50 you think you would make an ac-
tor, eh %
Eyes, kinder think so ?" was the re-
ssWhat line would you take ?''
''Well, I kinder like tragedy"
Tragedy! Why, you couldn't succeed
in tragedy! Look at your hands! Look
at those feet! Remember your voice!
You'd be hissed off the stage. Don't
never think of tragedy"
the boy.
Mot at all. In the first place your
ears are too large. Then your heels
stick out too far. Then your hands
would hide half the other actors. Don't
try the drama, for you will be a dead
failure
"Could I do anything in comedy ?"
''Not a thing. The sight of you in
comedy would be the same as the sight
of hearse on the stage. All the facial
expression that you have is behind your
ears"
s'I've thought some of being a nigger
MINSTREL" observed the boy, after a
long silence.
'sThat's the worst of all. I tell you,
boy, you'd better stick to the farm. You
are not cut out for an actor, and you
want to drop the idea.'
Couldn't act as usher?"
mo-. sir; you are too stiff in the
knees
Couldn't take tickets?"
"Neverp' Your hands are too big for
that work.
Couldn't shift scenes?"
'No; you are too big and unwieldy."
There was a long and painful silence.
Then the boy rose up and said:
well, I'm bound to go into theatri-
Gals. If I can't be anything else, I'll be
the feller that stands at the door to raise
a row, and I'll begin on you! Come over
herep'
He hauled the adviser over the table,
clutched him by the small of the back
and spun him around, slammed him
around, and dropped him to get better
hold. When the curtain rose on the
next act there was strictly private con-
versation going on between 'Hamlet"
and the ghost, and the ghosts coat was
ripped up the back and his collar torn
open. Then 'sHamlet" suddenly de-
manded, in loud voice:
s'Catiff! do you declare that cannot
act?''
Then the ghost lodged around the
table and replied:
'tNo, I don't! You are all right-you
are splendid actor-you can't help but
win!''
''And you'll tell my father SOP"
''I will; you bet, I WHIP
IF you don't"
Here "Hamlet" took three steas for
ward, two back; scowled his fercest, and
the ghost jumped behind the stove, and
howled that he'd even pay $50 for pri-
vate box on the night of the debut.
'Tis well," said Hamlet" and he
went over to the market to see if he
could sell three pecks of onion sets for
Dofa D,ooo