Richland beacon., 1880-07-10
PASSING SMILES.

THE spcculator may shape his course
hy the rise III cotton. The cotton will
help the shape
PATRICK on the zebra: "Phat kind Of
bastc l, that the mule wild his ribs on
the outside Of his shkin entolrly?"
PHILADELrHIA clcrgymcn state that
the commandment against swearing was
gotten up before cr"quet was invcn,cd.
A WIFE should preserve the honor Of her
husbands name, for frequently that is all
he has ever given her worth mcntio'..ng.
THERE are more watches WIN i'll the
United States than in any ofher country.
Of course the people Lave better time.
"DUTY stares NE in the face" said tho
deacon. wien the cIstom-house officers
caugh. MIN smuggling dozen pairs Of
gloves.
PRlNcIrAL, drawing out his watch to
an unpunctual clerk: "Mr. johnson. it
is already half-pas. nine" Clerk, draw
ing out his watch and lookipc at it:
Agrees, precisely, sir.
A COUPLE Of soldiers of the Salvation
Army approached a Philadelphia broker
recently and asked: chow is it with
you my fricnd?" II am short Oh Read
ing, replied the broker.
A VERMONT couple put off applying
for divorce one term Of court, so that
they could profit by their tin wedding.
And yet they tell us tho people Of this
country are needlessly extravagant and
unthrifty.
He was informed that lady had
called to see him in his absence. "A
lady" he mused aloud. "a lady" Upon
an accurate description he suddenly
frightened up and added, "Oh, dot vas
no lady; dot vas my wife"
STRAIGHT where she strayed, with stride he stIcde
sad sighe hs on the so,i and said
">ay, Sc sigh and sue you so''
She had no heed, but hid her head
/ Maud mood the mud Of NEED made mad,
NVr answer knew she now but "No."
-Wah Whitman
| A BARGAIN. (Scene, q country inn.(
Tourist" Confound it, woman; there's
a chick in this egg" Landlady-" Well.
sir, you are a lucky one In few weeks
| could have had half a crown for that
fowl, and ere you get it for twopcnce.
And still he was not satisfied.
A DAMsEL from over the river was look
ing over some books ill a Quincy book
store, endeavoring to make a selection,
when the clerk asked, "How would you
like the AutOcrat of the Breakfast
Table," She replied: "Oh. we've got
two Of 'em now, one of 'em just rs good
as new-only been washed twice.
"JoSEs propounded the following thu
other evening after slipping Of his alleged
tea; "Why is this drink like milk ?
OF course nobody could guess, and after
| H. 1,,-,,l,,.l l.o
teal fluid, nobody dared to smile. They
knew that the landlady's eyes were upon
them.
A SUCCESSION of direful shrieks is heard
on the first floor. Fond mother What
is the matter with Billy Colorcd SER
want" Please. nam, he is cryin' about
de jewberries. "He can't have any
more. He has had four sauccrfuls al
ready" "Dem is de berry ones he is
whoopin' about. He's all swolled up"
The Detroit Free Press has inter
viewed Boston ice cart driver. who
says that 1.-THE size of the lump left at
at the kitchen door depends considera-
! bly, on the good or badlooks of the cook"
| This argument ought to convince q
mans wife Of the desirability of keeping
a good looking cook, but it won't.
A CAPITAL anecdote is told of little
fellow, who in turning over the leaves OF
a scrap. book came across the wcll-known
picture of some chickens just out of thei,
shells. My companion examined the
picture carefully, and then with grave,
sagaciOus look at me, slowly remarked,
"They came out COS they was afraid Of
being boiled"
A PRUDENT lover sings:
The thrush in the thicket Is singing,
/ The lark is abroad on the lea,
And over the garden gate swinging
maiden is waiting for me.
| She will wait till she's weary, I'm thinking
| Though eager | am for the tryst;
! She vii! wait TIL the bright stars are blinking
And sigh for the kisses she miss'd.
For her father is watchful and wary,
A very ill-tempered old churl,
| And Im not the sort Of canary
To he kicked for the love Of a girl.
The following from Forney's Progress
is equal to anything in the creme dc In
chronigucs Of the French: What is
happiness? asked n man Of a woman.
"To he the best loved of some one"
she answered promptly. "To assure it
1 must add also to love that one best"
"Oh, I was talking Of the possible" said
she The conversation closed.