The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1880-10-07
HUMOROUS.

T.. HUMOROUS.
A LADY sends her couk to market,
with commission to obtain a fine fowl
Tor forthcoming dinner parry.
The servant returns; and her mis-
tress, after closely examining the pur-
chase, shakes her head dOubtfully.
ooh, madame" ," says the cook, "just
wait till It has been truffled, and see II
IL doesn't look splendid. tn be Just
like you when you dress up and put on
your diamonds" :"
"Which," said the cook, subsequent
~, In relating the anecdo;e, 81 got q
months warming on the instant"
WHEN rumor reached Versailles,
early In the course of the seven years'
war, that Frederick the Great had been
taken prisoner, and would shortly be
brought 20 France, the Duchess Of Or
leans, whose esteem for Louis XIV.
never was particularly great, cried in a
nicely affected rapture:
"On, that'll bejOlly! I do so want to
see II king!"
ing very badly. You not only got
drunk, but you resisted. the officer and
used improper language" Prisoner
~ say, did you ever get drunk, and
then just about the time you felt tir ed, ,
and wanted to 20 to sleep, did you ever
have policeman paw you about like
you were green watermelonP Say -
Recorder-"No; I was never drunk"
Prisoner-'Then don't talk
Bogus Certificates.
1t Is no vile drugged stuff, preten-
dih to be made OF wonderful foreign
roots, barks, &C., and puff.d up 6y
long bogus certificates of pretended
miraculous cures, but q simple. pure.
Gil. Give medicine, made of we'll known
valuable remedies, that furnishes its
own certificates by Its cures. We refer
10 Hop tters, the purest and best of
med 'c!nes. See another column
a TENANT had been dancing all night
over the head OF his landlord. At six
In the morning the, latter comes up
stairs and complains bitterly OF the
annoyance. "What ANNOYANCE ?'
asked the tenant. "Why, I haven't
slept wink all night" Is tho answer.
Neither have l." says the tenant,
"and yet Idon't make any fuss about
it,"
AN Irish woman called at the grocer's
the other day and asked for quart of
vinegar. 1t was measured, anu she put
1t into a gallon jug. She then asked
for another quart to be put in the same
vessel. "And why not ask for half Il
gallon, and have done with it?" said
the grocer. "Oh bless your little bit
OF SOUL answered she, Its for two
persons"
How bea utiful is night! How SILENT
ly she tiptoes across the meadows of
yonder peaceful vale. | hear, In fancy,
the soft rustic Of her shadowy gar
mants as they trail above thp-blank,
blank, the blankety cats! There they
go again! When a fellow does feel a
little touch ofsentiment there's always
something to startle hi IL back to @
stern realities of lie.
MARK TWAIN makes an excellent
suggestion for the sa fcty of stcamboa
passengers. He would have eyery
steamboat compelled to carry in con-
sptcuous place the following notice:
I'm case of disaster do not waste pre-
ctous time In mcddling with the life
Doats-they are out Of order.'
my dear doctor, where should vou
recommend me to 70 this SummerP''
"Whcre should you like to go?'
II don't care where, provided nv
husband isn't there"
"DUTY stares mo IN the face" said
the deacon, when the custom house
officers caught him smuggling dozen
pair Of gloves.
GIVE the chiluren llguG suppers, put
them to bed early. Bread and milk
toast, oat meal mush with sugar and
milk, and a little fruit, are excellent
for the juveniles to go to bed on.
WE 90 not pun up everything, but
when an article has as much merit as
Dobbtns' Electric Soap, (made bv Gag.
In q Co., Philadelphia, Pa. 1--WE gladly
praise 1t, as does every one who eve
tried 1t. Try 1t once.
SMITHERs believes III unlucky num-
bers. For Instance, he says it's unlucky
TO nave thirteen persons at table when
there Is only dinner enough for ten.
"OCH," safd love-sick Hibernian.
"what a recreation it is to be dying Of
love 1t sets the heart aching so deli
catel there's no taking a wink of slape
for the pleasure of the pain.'
"WHAT: only FIVE policemen for
place like this ?" exclaim ed IL traveller.
'Oh," replied the native calmly, "tbey
nave no difficulty Ia keeping what lit
tie peace we have"
GOD took his sOltest clay and his
pnresG colors and made fragile Jewel,
mysterious and caressing-the finger
OF woman. The devil awoke and at
the end of that rosy finger put--a nail.