South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1880-09-24
WIT AND HUmoR

SSuuiuS lOI d JUSTICE NJ iHS peace, H.
formed that functionary that they
wished TO be married.
'All right said the justice.
Then he inquired their names
and, on being told, it struck him that
he had performed the same service
for the lady some years before. Up
on inquiring if such was not the case,
the lady replied.
Yes: l have been married prcvi-
ously.'
Have you bill from your former
husband p asked the justice.
Yes
This being satisfactory, the cere-
mony was performed, and the couple
were declared man and wife.
AS they were about departing. the
justice, who had never seen bill of
divorce, and who had strong desire
to behold one of the documents,
thought this an excellent opportunity
to satisfy his curiosity. He therefore
said to the lady,
you say you have bill from your
former husband 2
'On, yes
Have You the bill with your
Yes, indeed
Have You any objections to allow
ing me to see the bill?'
oh, none whatever
And stepping to the door, and call
ing to little boy some three or four
years of age, left in the carriage, she
said,-
Here, Bill, come here quick: here's
n gentleman that wishes to see YOU
The gentleman wilted.
a young man, the other day, who
believed in such things, went to a
fortune-tcller. Il, said lie, 'am mad
ly in love, but have rival: unveil
the future The young lady was
the reply will be a widow in three
months. That young man went
strmghtway and used every induce
ment TO make the fair one marry his
rival
Sd have YOU to know, exclaimed
Mrs. Toppakrust, haughtily tossing
her head, that my family always
moved i'll the upper circles. Yes,
whispered Mrs Blunt to her friend
Sarah Jane, I've hearn tell that the
scum allus rises to the top
A Missouri girl dressed up as a
boy and went out as farmland, and
they never found her out until she
carelessly let them see that she could
thread q needle without pricking ev-
cry finger or swearing like a deputy
sheriff.
Did yer know that Simpllins and
l were Mt ON good terms 2 said Col.
Scion rs he dropped into the cditori-
al chair like Il bag of bran out Of q
wagon.
No. What's the trouble p
'Dum f know 'zactly. You see
the other night me n wife war invit-
cd out to party at Deekin Todd's
an we went, cause l knew the deck
IN didn't scrimp on eatables bit, an
alters had suthin' in a jug down cell
Ter, Well, when we got thar the
house was mighty nigh filled, an all
was a talhin' kind O. loose like an a
complimentin' each other in various
ways. Everything slid along as
smoothly US a chunk o. butter on a
lot knife till long arter supper-time
Mr.. Simpkins says to my wife, says
he Mrs. Scion, yer looks bout as
young tonight as yer did ten years
ago. an my wife says she, Yer a
hatterin' me, Mr.. Simpkins,' cause
my wife she knows what to say, she
does. An, war Mt gOin' to be out
done in politeness; an | seed Mrs.
SimpliIns [ other side of the room, so
| sings out, Iii Mrs. Simpkins! land
q Goshen but that 'ere wig / saw
Yer buyin' t other day makes yer
look as peart az n sixteen year old
gal. When yer Git yer false teeth,
we won't know yer from yer darter.'
And then / smiled pleasantly like -
But, sakes alive that ere room was
Just as still as haymow for about
two minutes, an Mrs Simpkina look
ed like she wanted TO kicl, somebody,
an, my wife says she, Solomon Sol
ONION = Jest az if I'd sot down on the
baby or broke q loollin' glass. The
i~'pi. N'b IL SCCiH 10 DIttLliC easy
Tor q long time an bimcby we kun
away, an my wife says she, solomon
Scion, some men are made fools, an
some men arc born fools > an says
!, sally, that IS so = but / don't know
for the life 20 ne who she was think
in' on less r was that nat raj fool O.
Todds.'
a mother once asked % clergyman
when She should begin the education
of her child, which She told him wa.
thcu four years old. Madam, wa,
the reply, you have lost three year.
already From the very first smile
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