New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1880-05-12
VARIETY AND HUnoR.

The London Chemist says that Ger
man writer's invariably smoke while
writing.
How can procrastination be the
thief of time when it never comes up to
time? Boston Transcript.
Smith wants to know what good
the new French cable is going to be
to the people who don't understand
French. :.
Husbands never, meet their wives
with smiles' on their lips; they wipo
them of before they get home. Chicago
Tribune.
Should the people of Leadville ever
run short of bullet-material, they might
start q crematory and sift the ashes.-
Rochester Cypress.
"A New Orleans newspaper is re-
ceiving deposits, paying interest at the
rate OF five per cent. per annum, and
exercising all the functions of q savings
bank.
=" Pa" said little boy, ga horse is
worth great deal more, isn't it. after
its broker" Eyes, my son. Why do
you ask such question: because
l broke the new rocking-horse you gave
me to-day
AN unknown man was killed by the
cars at Stratford the other day. The
contents Of his pockets, sixty cents and
. pair OF scissors, would indicate that
he was connected with journalism
Da'sbury Neos.
4
-"I was at church to-day, and en-.
joyed it greatly '.Ah.'' said his
pious landlady. 81 am glad of that. I
didn't see you, though; on which side
did you sitP'' '.Ahem-yes-ahem,"
stammered the Disconnected Jones, II
sat on the--outside."
Who wouldn't rather be President
than be right? Come, now, no shirk-
ing. The salary of President is fifty
thousand dollars q year; the salary OF
being right is all the way from fifteen
dollars month down to splitting wood
fora cold dinner. ~ y Post.
1t is calculated by Swiss hotel-
keeper that in the season which has
just terminated nine hundred thousand
foreigners have travelled in Switzer-,
land, each visitor staying on an aver
age between three and four days in the
country. The average daily expendi-
ture Of each amounted, it is further
calculated, to five dollars.
An old Scotch lady, who had no
relish for modern church music, was
expressing her dislike for the singing
of an anthem in her own church ono
day, when a neighbor said, "Why, that
is very old anthem. David sang that
anthem to Saul" To this the old lady
replied, "Weel, weel, moo for the first
time understan' why Saul threw his
javelin at David when the lad sang for
him."
Mill property in Switzerland has
rapidly deprecated in value. Three cot
ton mills were built q few years ago Ut
Q cost of $320,000. In 1875, when the
firm failed, the property was valued at
$3.50, 900. A few months since it was 40.
quired by the Berne Bank of Commerce,
that had made advances upon it, for
$4,000. The mills are now third
time advertised for sale at$7O, 900, with
poor prospect Of buyer.
Mrs. Hitippibob was in fearful dis.
trcss the other evening. 20 dear!''
she cried. "my new hat is spoiled
utterly ruined! The rim is all flattened
out, and the crown robbed of all ito
wavy capriciousness? o dear! O dearr'
But her grief was suddenly turned 70
Joy when she discovered It was only
Johns hat, after al. It looked Ill
right to him. What IL hat for tho
gander is not hat for the goose.-Bostos
Transcript.
"A Danbury young man offended
one of the lady clerks In fancy-goods
store, at . party few evenings ago.
A day or two later he went into The
store and inquired Of her If she had
"gcntlemen's gloves" She answered,
eyes" II want to get pair" ho
said. "Whom are they fora'' sh0
asked, looking him straight in the eyss.
"Why-for-me." he gasped, turning
scarlet under tho insinuation In hce
inquiry.-Da,sbsery Nescs.
"A manageable young man wusth
$500, 900 may be rs ugly rs hired bath.
Ing dress, and his young lady friends
will not admit that he is homely. They
will say, "Some persons call Nj.
Joughness ugly, but l can't see where
their eyes are" When Mr.. Joughnees
loses his fortune in stock speculations,
his LONELINESS becomes terribly appar.
ent, and the remark of his former
young friends is. "1sn't he awfully ug'
Typ Such is life.-Norristo'on Herald
They were meandering arm in arm
up the street, and = short distance
ahead of them walked a young lady
very handsomely attired. The sun was
about setting and its light was throw
ing a beautiful crimson glow all over
the earth. He said, in rather subdued
tone of voice: "How beautiful! per.
fectly grandr' etc. "Wen, I don't
know" was the response from the fair
one by his side, II don't admire her
style, and the dress is q mighty poor
it," He weakened, and the sunset In
terested him no more. Honkers Gazette.
Baltimore newsboys have struck
and carried their point against an sd-
vance of third Of cent in the price
of ono of the afternoon papers. They
formed in procession, two hundred
strong, and marched through the
streets, causing merriment by bearing
transparencies inscribed with such in
dammatory devices as BREAD OF
Blood" "Revenge on Old Jim," and
"Boys, Stand Up for Your Rights"
The manager promptly came down. and
one of the newsboys being interviewed,
said: "This is the second time they run
against the boys, and we licked 'em bad
both times. The next time we'll Iea
'sm severely alone, we WILL
II is suggested that celluloid might
be used in the manufacture of false
teeth. It is capable of high polish, il
hard without brittleness, and is not ex-
brilliantly high in price. There is one
objection, to be sure-its inflammabil-
ity. The person with celluloid teeth
would have to be very careful never to
give utterance to hot words, or even to
talk too glibly, lest the fractional heat
should set his teeth of one after
another, like bunch of Chinese crack
& a