The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1880-01-03
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

Men Of lettes-Sign painters.
The best thing out-A bad cigar.
Miss,le.aneous matter--Brickbats.
The lap of luxury--when the cat gets cream.
The pale of cvization-Pearl powder
How to make erockery ware-Don't fuse 1t.
Slight of hand-Refusing an offer Of marriage
The truth in a nutshell" is generally worm.
The wind always finds something to blow
about.
"Icc wear" said he when he fell on an icy
pavement.
Hope springs eternal in the spinster's thought,
man never is, but always to be caught,
The Chicago Tribune has discovered that pet
rifed body indicates that the man is stone dead.
A Peoria woman sneezed her jaw out Of place
lately, and the married men of the place have
been buying snuff ever since.
Dan Rice has been converted by Moody in st.
Louis and will next appear as an Evangelist. If
the Lord had converted him he might have de-
cided differently.
new play called "The Galley Slave" has been
produced in New York. Judging from the title
we presume it illustrates the life OF a country
editer.
"Show him an egg and instantly the air lie full
Of feathers" says Bob Ingerscll, defining san.
gulnc man.
James Gordon Bennett is having yacht built
that is to cost $4,000. The average country
editor is obliged to be content with schooner
of beer.
There is good deal more wind than substance
in the radical outbreak in Maine, The buster
Of a notorious horscthief over the robbery Of hi.
chicken roost seldom amounts to much
Susan b. Anthony has pronounced for Grant,
but admits she would be better satisfied with
Hancock and better with David Davis, now that
he is widower.
To add realistic effect to Uncle Toms Cabin"
at Logausport, Ind, n live bloodhound was in
troduced, and the brute heightened the realism
by breaking his chain and biting an actress
seriously.
If 1t takes a thief to catch a thief, why don't
Blaine call on John Sherman, j. Madison Wells,
Pitt Kellogg and the rest Of those seven by eight
fellows, to help him catch Garceion, II he is Il
thief!
Wives OF great men oft remind us
We should pick our wives with care,
SO we may not leave behind us
Hall our natural crop Of hair.
Boston doctor announces that scalskn Is
unhealthy to wear. Now why in thunder didn't
he say SO before Christmas' Twelve millions at
least were wasted on sealskin cloaks alone that
must now be thrown aside!
An Erie postal clerk the other day found let
ter in his hands addressed to West Of Mosques
Pa" There is no post-oiilce in Pennsylvania by
that name but by reading the direction aloud he
knew instantly that it was meant for "West
Damascus" which is a postoice opposite
Cochecton.
Another perpetual motion lunatlc An inven-
-,oIstavrvmpCs OF inc 0aggage-smasher. II is a
heavy iron sphere ribbed with Steel and has no
projecting parts for the demon of the baggage
room to lay hold Of. We predict failure, be.
cause some things ur impossible
A friend in Colorado sends us a copy of the
Solid .NrIoio0n, published at Ouray in that state
The editor says Of his enterprise: "The .SolM
SfuldoOn is the boss. The only fearless, WIDE
awake and red hot newspaper published in San
Juan. Democratic in politics, independent in
Development, and no religious convictions worth
speaking Of. She's daisy! 1t is published at
~. year, spot cash"
Says Mrs. A. to Mrs. b.:
"YOl must excuse me, dear!
But then know you cannot see
The SCOT in your left ear"
ooh! thank you, dear!" said Mrs. b.;
You're very kind to speak;
How could it get therey Let me see
Oh, yes! the cars last weekr'
This fable teaches plain, though rough,
Don't give yourself away
BY saying more than Just enough,
And battle on every day.
There is rejoicing among the New York papers
ver the end Of the trial Of Talmage for hetero.
oxy The IVord says "1hc case disappeared
into an abyss Of maudln mush. Most
4 the reasons given for the acquttal Of Talmags
nd some of the reasons given for his conviction
rere relevant to his case would be the ac.
initial Of a man charged with horsc stealing
pom the ground that he was an orphan.
According TO the Rev Mr.. Trumbower, the
ositon OF II Methodist pastor in West Hoboken
a peculiarly hard one, especially If he is
Dung man Of goodly presence and modest de-
leanor. This is the way, lie said, at the close
( his sermon on Sunday evening, he was persc.
uted. Holding aloft letter, he said it was
Tritten TO him by female member of his con.
regation, who threatened to compel him to re.
ign. IAN the trouble" he added "has arisen
ON the desire of a lot OF young lady members
the church to become my wife,
THOSE NEW YEAR BILLS.
hose New Year bills those New Year bills! {
low many a heart with anguish fills,
iheu knocks, aud rings, aud postmen's feet
lake echoing noises through the street
nd passing round from door TO door {
cave horrid notes which thus 'lmplore I
our kind attention; please 10 pay; 7
ur books closed on New Years Day"