The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1880-09-03
GnvERNnp,S IsIANn

kount NV General Hancock's faintin
in the presence NV two delegashuns
wich called on him.
The troo histry nv the case is this !:
We have electric arrangement
from the ante-room where / stand, to
the generals rooms. There are 60
keys marked with the states and the
shades Nv opinyun wich make up the
Dimekratic party. Thus, one is
marked "Noo York-hard money!"
another "Looxeaner-secesh,'an . and so
on.
My dooty is to admit only one
party at time to see the general,
and to notify him in advance wat
principles the visitin party perfesses,
that our candidate may make no mis-
takes.
For instance, ther comes man
from Pennsylvany. 1t is my dooty
to find what his noshuns are on the
tariff. / ask him, to begin with, how
trade is. He ansers, rHully." Then
I say, show does the present tariff
work for you?" He sez "Bully,"
wunst more, and then / know all
about it. He is interested III manu-
factors, and is a high tariff man.
Then the. matter looks conpara-
lively simple. tech key wich is
marked "Pennsylvania-taritf,." and
send him into the presence, and Gin
eral Hancock knows eggsactly wat TO
say to him, and he sez it, and sends
him away happy.
Eff the visitor is from Illinoy, and
happens 10 be free trader, a key is
teched SO labeled, sand the gineral
also knows wat to say to him.
The same rool applies to all other
visitors. We hav ez aaeny keys ez
ther are shades. NV oplnyun in the
party. 1t requires a gigantic intel
leck to keep the run NV EN-, and that
is why | okkepy that responsible po-
sishun.
Wv course I make mistakes occa-
sionally, for no man kin keep the
track Nv sich diversity nv prinsiple.
/ did tech the key marked "War
Dimekrat," for a secesh major from
and he come out in a
rage, at being informed by
the gineral that ke shood never be
satisfied till every man wich bore
arms in the confcderacy he'd passed
away, that we mite hev peace, and it
wuz mistake when teched the key
markt "confedcracy" and sent in
Wisconsin farmer witch he'd he'd two
sons killed at Antietam. The old
man didn't like to be told that CON
fedrit soljers shood hey the same
penshuBs ez the northern hirelins
wich invaded the south So brootally.
But the trouble referred to .olekuretl
There come delegashen
Nv wide hated men from Maine and
Injeany, wich wantid to consult the
gineral ez to his views on the CRATE
question NV ouiimitea greenbax, and
jist at the same mint ther cum del |
egashun from the city Nv Moo York
wich wuz a goin to demand ex
preshn ez to honist money.
/ insisted that but one delegashen
shood go in at time, and ez the
[njeany men ,wuz neerest the door, /
fetched the soft money key, and
asked 'em in. The hard money men
hustled them aside, and thinkin they
wood push in first, i teched the hard
money key. This demoraIized the
sineral, and to add to the horror Nv
he accident they both pushed past
ne, and rushed in altogether.
Then scene ensood wich battles
lescripshen.
s.Wat we want to Know sed the
spokesman Nv the Injeany and Maine
lelegashun, sis, in the event of your
election, is the kepiry to have onlimi-
id money and consekent prosperityY
s'Wat we want to know" sed the
1ed Nv the Moo York delegashep, Sis
# the Dimocrisy succeeds are we to
nev honist money, and is the nashenel
lebt to be paid in gold?"
The gineral turned pale and looked
1t me implorinly. He wuz not ekal
o the emergency, but l wuz /
in his ear "faint," and
'eezed him in my arms. Takin the
1int he drawd long sigh, and fell
,ut Nv his cheer, sepslis, to all ap-
Dearances.
sssGentlemen," sed I, "our noble
candidate hez bin oyerworked and
1acher asserts herself. Will yoo
please retire while i bring him to?''
They went out, and the gineral got
IN. aAre they all pone?n he asked.