The New Bloomfield, Pa. times. (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1877-188?, 1880-10-12
CouRTINe UNDER DIFFICULTIES.

C0URTlNG UNDER DIFFICULTIES.
CCHNEIDENBACK, who runs the
- principal grocery in our village, has
been without a young man for three
weeks, Nicholas Schneider, the pride of
his establishment, has been confined to
his room in consequent of an accident to
that portion of his torso which brave
men men never turn to their foes. 1t
came about In this way:
Nicholas fell in love with Lavinia, the
bouncing daughter of old Squire Lane.
True love, as usual, travelled along a
corduroy road. Squire Lane threaten
ed to give an exhibition of his personal
disapproval from the muzzle of a breech-
loader, if he ever found the grocer's
man skulking around his premises
Consequently, it was necessary to pay
surreptitious sacrifice to Cupid. On the
fatal night Lavinia had admitted her
lover through the drawing-room win
dow. 1t was close upon midnight. Old
Squire Lane was asleep, and the trump
| citing of his nasal serenade reached the
lovers as they sat at the open window
breathing the balm of the night.
! Lavinia is charming young lady in
full perfection of her physical well-be-
ing. AS he sat beside her at the win
dow the heart of Nicholas Schneider
was stirred to its profoundest depths
Her pearly teeth were shining in the
darkness. He was conscious from form
er experience that the lips that fripged
those teeth possessed such fragrant and
delicious ripeuings as the South wind
bears away from rose garden. More
than likely he tasted the notforbidden
fruit. He asked Lavinia to sit on his
knee. She liked to sit there. She had
tried the seat before. She sprang upon
his knee with playful bang, forgetting
in the gush of the moment that her
lovers chair was rheumatic and SPAWN
ed in one of its legs. OF course she had
no suspicion that her lover had a box
of parlor matches in his pistol pocket
There was a crack and crash as the
one hundred and fifty pounds avordu-
pois bore him and the chair to the floor.
She laughed and he giggled. The next
instant there was sudden hiss right
under Nicholas.
T" For the lands sake !" cried Lavinia
"we have squashed the catln bu
The Kissing was followed by regu-
lar Fourth of July fluffing and spit
ting.
"Suferin' man ~ roared Nicholas,
bounding up like lump of India rub
Der; " I'm afire !"
AS he pranced around the room, he
left on the floor train of burning luci-
fer matches and ignited fragments of
cloth from the rear of his pantaloons.
Fire firel', screamed Lavinia.
My darling-holy Jerusalem You
will wake the old man ~ gasped Nicho-
las, as he rubbed his rear with the table,
cover.
The warning came too late. The old
'Squire's foot was heard descending the
stairs. AS he reached the door he be-
held the skirts of the lovers burning
garment leaving the window. He
grasped his gun. The trail of fire was
dancing across the field like a will-o'-
the-wisp. He took rapid, and, alas
an accurate aim. A wild and fearful
yell pierced the midnight silence. The
last spark of fire was extinguished. The
young grocer went home with convic-
tion that his hips resembled an over.
griddled steak. His landlady wrapped
him In a sheet saturated with oil, and
then busted him over with molasses and
-four.
He says he will never visit Lavinia
again, for during his three weeks of suf-
fering his views on matrimony have un-
dergone a change. No woman, he be-
lieves, is worth the double sacrifice of
being burnt first and then shot on the
raw afterwards. AS for poor .Lavinla,
she Is said to be "pining away like a
poisoned bed-bug.o
The envious man is tormented not
only by all the Ills that befall himself
but by all the good that happens to an
other. He is made gloomy not only by
his own cloud, but by another's sun
shine.