The Northern Pacific farmer. [volume] (Wadena, Minn.) 1878-1885, 1880-01-01
MARK TWAIN.

MARK TWAIN.
'"Fresh'' Private Secretary: Of the
Postmaster General Played with Neat.
ness by Mark Twain. IL
Chicago Times. ~
Mark Twain's latest production is a
letter giving his opinion of private Sec
retaries, in which he sits down rather
hard upon Mr.. Kirby, private secretary
to Postmaster General Key. The letter
has caused great deal of amusement
among Mr.. Kirby's associates in the
post-otice, and that gentleman feels
very much torn up in consequence and
probably will not be anxious to. tackle
the subjec again, at least not for some
time. Some days ago Mr.. Kirby took
occasion to write a letter to Mr.. Glenn
ems, in which he had the temerity to
criticise some comments made by that
gentleman upon a recent order of the
post-offce department. Mr.. Kirby
felicitously inclosed tract issued by
the post department., saying that
lit was to meet just such hardened
cases as yours; and I also send you
copy of the postal laws, and hope you
will take the trouble to look into the
matter thoroughly" Clemens did look
into the, matter thoroughly, and Mr..
Kirby thinks now that he made too
searching study of it. Among other
things in his letter Mr.. Clemens saws:
my callow friend, when you shall
have outgrown the effervescence of
youth, and acquired bit of worldly ex-
perience, you will cease to make mis-
takes like that. That is, you will re-
cognize the simple wisdom of minding
your own business. You seem to think
you have been called to account. This
is q great error. It is the post-office de.
partmeDt of the United States that has
been called into account. There is a
difference here which you seem to
have overlooked. I will point it out.
You are not the post-offce department,
but only an expensive and unnecessary
appendage to it. Grave elderly public
instructors like me do not call private
secretaries to account. The mistake
you have made is simple; you imagined
yourself the dog, whereas you are only
the tail. You endeavored to
wag the dog. This was injudi-
cious. You should have hung quiescent
until the dog wagged you.
You seemed to have gathered the i'm.
preston, somehow, that you are men,
Der of the cabinet. This is an error.
Your chief is one of the guns of that
battery; you are not. You are not
gun, or a load, or even a ramrod; Meth
er do you supply ammunition; you only
serve as stick to fire it off. You are
not a barrel of molasses, but only the
faucet through which the molasses is
discharged. You are not q boot, but a
boctjack. Do you perceive? The thing
!! am trying to convey to you is that it
does not become you to assume func-
tons that do not belong to you. The
newspaper slip which you inclosed to
me | will return lV one of my private
secretaries. I Keep eleven of those
things, not for use, but for display -.
Speaking of the envelope in which
MIR. Kirby's letter was enclosed, Mark
says :3y:,.
written me an entirely personal letter,
enclosed in an envelope bearing upon
it's surface in plain print the warning:
"A penalty of $500 is fixed by law for
using this envelope for other than off,
cial business" The servants of the gov.
eminent ought to be, for decency's
sake, among the last to break it's laws.
You have committed an offense with
no element of joke about it, and if
your superior does his duty. he will i'm
pose the fine involved. As far as am
concerned you are safe, but if you in
trude upon me again may be tempted
to bring you before the courts for viola
ton of law. There, now. receive my
blessing. Go, and do not mix in other
peoples business any more; otherwise
you may pick up somebody who will
feed you disagreeable words instead of
sugar. MARK TWAIN, etc.