davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-12-09
HUNORS OF THE DAT.
Er.r, dnIIed-the oil reoipn.

HUM0RS OF THE DAY.
WELL driIled-the oil region. III
BOARD of Education-the blackboard.
FLoRIsrs stand in cowslip-pery places.
How much did Alphabet with Omega?
How 10 save time-ldt your watch run
down. - Y, -.
A soUH -mash--getting hit in the eye
with pickle. .
THEY make type now with a coat on
that'is tunic type.
A SUBURBAN Paris dealer announced
that he sold donkeys like his father.
A SICK child may be able to staTe off
castor-oi, but it can't always parry-goric.
A SEWING machine agent has no music
In himself when Ne condemns q Singer.
ONE characteristic about the fair ones
Is, they prefer 10 embrace cleansir fsces.
The most charming bridal wells are of
illusions. - Exchange. Delusion, we
should say.
IF you would be wealthy get upon a
mule. You would soon find out that you
are better Off
Or course smoking is worse than chew
a.T. sah~-., az ia.rs
AZ r l., T.,
@ hz uearss' the neares' ming .,o,hor
,,.r-. ~ . rnarest .se ~. ,h;na , = H. sI;n
~.9 "e",. ~, '"'Hs 70 .' ~
..Is. NsvADA H edi1or % began u ieaeeT ..Th;a Un
aai;s;S.s L.I"n win !. o u a.' saia a. tbe
uouo , p,'"'o 4" no" o'i '''o wv ''0
'""
A CLERGYMAN being asked Why ne
WIZ VII uilhia1u Love- iePne IT. ~,
sn my nBn, manu- W Ano" "n"' my
" nhno uoeu -
THERE is sucn 2 sng u lnn 'c ~ ~
tne mix Oh numan Andness, put tne
DwniiSn. mean .sla lolxs aie on-A1"' ~"
'ne oie =.
LIE new dreams rIcdyeo'e says mst
a, q re.ilsd traeeman - - eAn8 nl1n.
ohou,u ne Ns,re W ne s.aee, = ro-sc'lon
may oe eAPec'eu W 'ase p'"oe
DECLARE! exclaimed slovenly
writer, WISH L couid ma pen tiiht
would Just suit me. And instantly came
chorus, Try pig pen
IHE French Lady who said TO her maid,
NINE o'clock must pegin 10 nndfess
ior the oaii, unaerstood the true inward
ness OF modern iashlonaDie lie.
"OH, dearF exclaimed Penniman, 81
wish l could excel IN something! l 90
peneve II snouiu XII man, II wouldh
pe my tnihB pue Huroer III tne second
oesree. .f- -
A BosroN believer IN Bob IngersoH
says. III man smites you on one cheek
turn 70 hlm the other and whack him
over the head with whatever comes
mandy.
A POOR cornet got his skull fractured,
and was told by the doctor that his brain
was visible. He erepled-"Writea and tell
my father, for ne always swore L had
none.
A KENTUCKY girl died with the heart
disease few hours after her marriage.
This proves that young ladies shouldn't
marry until after they had given their
hearts away.
FDoErY lady-"But what am to do?
can't ride with my back to the engine. &"
Insolent youth-'Better speak to the
conductor; he'll turn the train around to
oblige you. Funny Folks.
SAID crofty husband to his business
partner: 81 have promised my wife an
immense surprise for her birthday. Z"
More extravagance?' 81 shall give her
nothing; it will be an immense surprise. F"
"CLorHE nee in dreams" saws Miss
Fannie Driscoll in a recent poem. If you
mean the kind Of dreams person has
after eating mince pie and omelette, you'd
be frightfully dressed, Fannie.
Post
"wHY, Frankie" exclaimed a mother
at the boarding-house, 81 never knew
The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-12-09

A roETEss in the Chicago Tribune
means, II am sick of the seasons that
come and 60" Her case is hopeless.
Not one of the 1900 patent nostrums
advertised in the newspapers and on the
board fences is warranted to cure per-
son who is sick of the seasons that come
and go. The only remedy we can sug-
gest is to employ all the almanac builders
to invent some new seasons and drop the
old ones. And have 'em made stationary,
80 they won't ''come and go. Morris
to,cn Herald.
The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-12-09

Leprosy exists TO considerable extent
in the parish Of Lafourche, La. An at
tempt 10 make nm official investigation
was lately resisted with arms the lepers
and their friends believing that the suf-
ferers were 10 be isolated on an island in
the ocean. The report of the physicians
is that the disease is not gaining ground.
-LouisviUc Courier Journal.
The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-12-09

A South CARoLINA Baptist church
contains in its old records the mention
of woman being excluded from the
church for doing too much talk
ing in the neighborhood." As no such
case is recorded of late years, it is sup
posed that the race of such women il
extinct.
The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-12-09

Az Iowa farmer says: "we raise four
hundred bushels Of potatoes to the acre
here, which would be big thing il we
didn't raise insects enough TO eat 5em ali
nm" .I
The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-12-09

other country OF our time, and has never been
surpassed by that of any country at any period
of its history. All our industries are thriving;
the rate of interest is low; new railroads are be-
ing constructed; vast immigration is increas-
ing our population, capital and labor; new en-
terprises IN great number are in progress; and
our commercial relations with other countries
are improving.
The ordinary revenues, from all sources, for
the fiscal year ended June 80, 1880. were:
From customs. ms.............. S166, 522, 064 60
From internal revenue. ....... 124, ,009, ,373 90
From sales of public lands. LOIS 5O6 60
From tax on circulation and de-
posits of National Banks. 7,014, 971 A
From repayment of interest by
Pacific Railway Companies. 1,707, ,367 18
From sinking fund for Pacific
Railway Companies. . 1856 621 %
From customs fees, fines, PEN
alties, etc. 1,fxs,sOo 1s
From consular letters
patent and lands. ........ 2,337, ,029 90
From proceeds of sales of Gov
ernment property ..... 2s2,616 80
From profits on coinage, etc.. 2,792, 1876 rs
From reEenues of the District
of Columbia. ..... 1,sos, 469 70
From miscellaneous sources. 4,099, ,603 8S
Total ordinary receipts . $333, 526, $40 9s
The ordinary expenditures for the same peri
cd were
For civil expenses. .s15, SOS, 96s IS
For foreign intercourse l,Zl1, 4U 5S
For Indians. ...... ............. 5,945, 457 90
For pensions, including S19, ,341,-
025. 90 arrears of pensions. sc, III, 14 A
For the military establishment, in
Guiding river and har3or improve
ments and arsenals. ..........3 SO, 116, GIG %
For the naval establishment, ,includ
ing vessels, machinery and I'M
rrovements at navy-yards. :. Is, $50, ,9s4 IA
For miscellaneous expenditures, in
cluding public buildings, light
houses and collecting the reve- m
II en;str;ct of Columbia ......... a272, ,3s4 63
For interest on the public debt. IS, 757.57 II
For premium on bonds purchased. 2,795, 800 AZ
Total ordinary expenditures s2s7, ,e42, s57 7s,
Leaving surplus revenue of. S65, ,SS3, 653 20
Which, with an amount drawn from
the cash balance in Treasury Of. 8,0S4, 434 81
The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-12-09

The man who took ipecac instead Of
nuinine. said he felt retched afterwards.
The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-12-09
.uNDnr RECOMMENDATIONS.

commend again to the attention of Congress
the subject of the removal, from their present
location, Of the depots of the several railroads
entering the city; and I renew recommends
tions of my former messages in behalf Of the
erection Of building for the Congressional
Library; the completion of the Washington
Monument, and Of liberal appropriations IN
support Of the benevolent, reformato1y and
penal institutions Of the District. -
RUTHERFORD B. HAYES.
EXECUTIVE MANSION, December 6. 1880.
The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-12-09

BsssnAsDr is . theatrical comet; Ger
stsr fixed star.
The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-12-09

city, the consumption by Government 10 neces-
sarily very greet In the hsvy.ysrd, arsenal snd
the various departrnents, and large quantity
is required for the proper preservation Of tho
numerous parks and the cleansing of sewers.
recommend that this subject receive the early
attention of Congress, and that, in making
provision for an increased supply, such means
growth Of the CITY,
The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-12-09

ahE roroAAo MAnonhc.
In my annual messages heretofore, have
urged upon the attention OF Congress the ne
tomac adjacent to the Capital, and am con-
strained by it's importance to advert to the
subject. These fats embrace an area Of several
hundred acres. They are an impediment to
the drainage Of the city, and seriously impair
its health. 1t is believed that, with this sub
stantial Improvement OF its river front, the
Capital would be, in all respects, one Of the
most attractive cities in the world.
1t should not be forgotten that the land
acquired will probably be worth the cost Of re-
claiming. It, and that the navigation OF tho
river will be greatly improved. I therefore in
vite the attention OF Congress to the import
ance Of prompt provision for this much needed
and too long delayed Improvement
wAsHIsoroN's WATER SUPPLY.
The water supply Of the city is inadequate.
In addition to the ordinary use throughout the
The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-12-09

In 1850, the postal receipts were $685.
067 40 in 1880, the receipts were S33 315, 479 81,
All the inhabitants of the country are directly
and personally interested in having proper
mail facilities, and naturally watch the Post
Office very closely. This careful oversight on
the part of the people has proved q constant
stimulus to improvement. During the past
year there was an increase of 2, 1874 postoffices,
and the mail routes were extended "a, 1T miles,
making an additional annual transportation Of
10, 6O4, 191 miles. The revenues Of postal ser
vice for the ensuing year are estimated at $685.
845, 10, and the expenditures at $42, 475,-
932 leaving deficiency to be appropriated out
Of the Treasury of $3,630, 1890.
The Universal Postal Union has received the
accession Of almost all the countries and col
onies of the world maintaining organized postal
services, and 1t is confidently expected that all
the other countries and colonies now outside
ing the grand idea and aim of the founders Of
the Union, Of forming, for purposes Of interna-
tional mail communication, single postal ter .
ritory embracing the world, with complete
uniformity of postal charges, and conditions Of
international exchange, for all descriptions OF
correspondence. To enable the United States
to do its full share of this great work, addi-
tional legislation is asked by tho Postmaster
General, to whose recommendations especial
attention is called. r-.
The suggestion of the Postmaster General
that it would be wise to encourage, by appro-
pirate legislation, the establishment OF Amer
lean lines Of steamers by our own citizens, to
carry the mails between our own ports and
those Of Mexico, Central America, South
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1880-07-30
Terrible Outrago-A Maryland

Lady Brutality Assaulted Search for tho Az.
sailan,, etc.
WASHINGTON, July 25.-Information
was received here to-day OF a terrible
outrage at DarnestoUD. Montgomery
Co, nd, which was perpetrsted on Sn-
turday night, the victim being Mrs. JAS.
Tscbiffvly, the wife OF well, known far
mer, who resides near that place. Up
to this time but few particulars have
been obtained, but s5 far ss received tie
story appears 70 be rs follows: 4 negro
man named John Digs, alias John Dor
sey, about % years 81 age, with num-
Der Of other negroes from this city was
employed 10y MIR. TschiTcly harvesting,
Mr.. JscLiIfely Was called away from his
farm on Saturday To another part OF the
State, one OF the lower counties, 90 at
tend TO some business Diggs was left
at tia farm TO look after thinga during
his absence. On Saturday evening Mrs.
Tschitfoly vas sitting in her dining room
when Diggs entered. lie boldly an
nouncod lis intention Of outr0ging her,
and after beating and clicking her,
forced her, 10 90 in one ~ TIE upper
rooms, undor throat Of killing her IL
she refused and setting fire 20 the house
and burning her and the house up
Mrs Igchilfely did every thiug in her
power 10 alarm tho ne.ghbo?s, but was
unsuccessful. She managed TO got out
OF the house and escaped some distance,
when he caught her and forced her 20
reIurn, dragging her Ivy the hair Upon
arriving 81 the house hc struck her on
tho head with o chair ard almost tore
her eyes out Of her bead. J; ia not
known whether or not lie accomplished
his devilisb purpose otherwise than by
brutally assaulting her. lie left her In
I'm unconscious condition, escaping from
tho neighborhood, at sunrise this morn
ing. Ito waJ seen 20 conc towards this
city.
At an carly hour this morning iho
condition OF Mrs TschGcly WAS dis.
covered and an alarm sent out. IL was
not long before the entire neighborhood
was aroused, and soon numerous parties
were on tho search Tor the ofcndor-
These parties have been sent cut In all
directions, and il is thought that bo will
be caught before morning, II ho has re-
manned in tho county. The most in
tense excitement prevails. aud IL seems
to be generally understood that which,
ever party catches him will lynch him
without delay, Word reached Rock
vile, the county seat. early to-day, and
everybody IN that ncighborhood has
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1880-07-30
Letter from Washington.


WASHINGTON. July 26,h. 1880.
Mn. HARPER General Sherman will
be in this city in a few days. Ills ar
rival will present the first opportunity
for publishing that letter of General
Hancock's in 1876 or Is77-detes vary
concerning the course the writer
would take In regard TO the Presidency
then in dispute. General Sherman has
said that he had large number of of
fetal and private letters from General
Hancock, meaning to convey the i'm
preston that he had lettor on this
subject. General Hancock is said TO
have admitted the writing OF letter TO
General Sherman on the subject. /
mention the subject now for only one
reason, and that is believe an attempt
will be made to publish portions OF the
letter-such portions as the Radical pol.
iticians think may help thcm-& sup
press the remainder. IfGencral Sbcr-
man is st all fair man lac will sec that
tie whole letter, If any, is published.
There is no letter, order. testimony,
or other production OF General Hancock
that any or his friends need be asham-
ed or.
There seems TO be no doubt that Ell
thec Senator Conkling or candidate Gar.
field has intimatcd TO Mr.. Hayes that
the removal of Collector Merritt OF the
New York Custom House, and the sub
stitution OF some friend OF Arthur is de.
sirab!o. II is impossible to say what
Mr.. Hayes will do about il. Civil scr
vice reform is evidently a subject too
great for him.
A gentleman who Was lately in Maine
tells ne that tho Republicans themselves
in that State do not expect to win in
November, and have hope in September
only because OF the local trouble OF last
year. He was in three Congressional
Districts, in only one Of which did the
Republicans expect success. One Rad
zeal newspaper nan told him he had no
hope Of electing bis candidate in ono CT
the Congressional Districts, though lis
psper was claiming a large majority
The trouble seoms 10 be thst the ex-
soldiers in Maine, especially those who
served in the ranks. are piedg;ng them.
selves to Hancock in very large mum
bers.
A long statement is going the rounds
of the Radical press, prepared at the
Treasury showing tho reduction Of
tho public debt from 1865 to 1880.
The Inference expected to be drawn
is favorable TO the party of which Gar
field is @ candidate, but u careful consid-
Grafton VI it will convince any one that
greater credit il due elsewhere. Under
b nvy reductions OK taxes the debt has
decreased surprisingly since Tho Dem
octats secured control OF the House, and
reduced Government expenses f400, 900.
600 per year, and the crsdit for this, as
lar AZ any party is concerned belongs
to the Democratic party. But this Is
not all. IL was, among other things
the gradual falling off in reductions OF
the debt under Radical auspices chat
Ssvo the Democrats @ majority in tie
House OF Representatives, and later in
tho Senate. The Treasury statement
designates Il Republican campaign doc.
umcnt, VIII not foar examination.
MEMO.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1880-07-30

Reports from Frederick, Md, states
that Tho storm in that section, on
Monday night of last week, was ter
rifle. Rain fell in torrents, and thun-
der aud lightning were loud and Wv
id. At come points the streams over
flowed their banks and fields were
flooded. Considerable DAMAGE is
said 20 have been done the corn IN
the vicinity Of jefferson, and where
hail fell. Mr. Ezra NJ. Thomas re-
ports q loss OF nearly his entire crop.
In Buckoystowu district the storm
was also very severe.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1880-07-30

We have no definite information
from the Martinsburg Convention. 1t
is however. reported that Jacob i.
Jackson, OF Wood county, received
the nomination for Governor.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1880-07-30

Hon. William G.. Brown, who is
popularity known throughout the
State as the cold war-horsc Of Pres
ton" has created quite a sensation, as
well as a deep impression among the
stalwarts, by coming over unequiyo-
cally and enthusiastically 70 the sup
port of Hancock and English!
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1880-07-30

MIR. HADPER You arc authorized
to announce ALFRED Z. WHITE,
Esquire, IS candidate for seat in
the next House Of Delegates, from
this County. MANY VOTERS.
July 80. 1880.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1880-07-30

The p
and p'
prcscr
peace
sckno
writiu
certify
may 9
jurisdi
specti
,'cdieI
stricti
eral I:
money
powcr
hundr
lowed
peace
scribe
30.
apple
or mo
Ivy ti'
lieu Il
ity OF
ut an
for TIA
quire
court
such
ticlc /
no up
IN lie
tribal
conti
court
80.
justic
comp
comm
md ]
by ti
the u
JoTS1
me
Re
9inia
20 eut
folio,
posed
ton (
TIL
az IL
ioviI
81
the v
dolla
the T
oithe
ruch
cousi
a jurI
In ~
OF th
.--<---
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1880-01-21

TIE BURNIEe OF TOXIC. The City of To-
kiO was destroyed by FIRE on the 26th of De-
ssmber. This 10 the third similar calamity in
seven years. The FIRST was in 1872 and the
second in 1873. Now seven miles Of ground
are laid waste, nearly Ii, 900 homes destroyed
and so, 200 persons rendered destitute. The
pscunisry loss is thought to be less than it
would have been in westerB countries, owing
TO the cheap construction of the houses. As
far as known, the loss Of life Is about 100 4
large Number died frors exposure on the
night succeeding the FIRE, which was sxesp-
Gonally cold. A considerable part Of the for
sign district was destroyed, including several
missionary establishments, one church, and
one Newspaper office, tho Toxic TI1se, The
United States Legation escaped unhsrmed.
Extraordinary measures Of relief are instita-
tod BY the Government authorities, and pri-
vate individuals, and no efforts are spared to
alleviate the suffering.
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1880-01-21
THE DUTIES OF A NEWSPAPER.

The Reno Gazstte, in it's issue of Monday
reads an excellent lesson on what the public
have Q right to expect from q good newspaper.
There is divorce trial in progress in Reno.
4 Mrs. Lake asks the law to sever the natri-
ssonial ties which bind her to husband whose
brutalitiss she is showing up in court. 1t is
in ersdsnce that Lake was in the habit of ap-
plying offensive and obscene epithsts to her,
and accusing her of lack of the wonanly
virtues which are looked for in q wife and
mother. Unable any longer to endure the
mental anguish caused by such treatment,
Nrs Lake drags the household skeleton from
the closet and shows it to the world. The Ga
sstte, mindful Of its duties to it's patrons, re-
ports this trial, and Lake and his friends raise
ahowl against the newspaper. Because Mr..
Lake il prominent citizen, pays taxes and
owns property in Reno, he considers himself
exempt from newspaper exposure man
who has no more respect for the ssnsibilities
Of . woman than Lake,appears to have had for
his wife, should be the last one to ask news
paper to hide his unmanly and cowardly traits
Of character, which for years he has only ex-
Aibitsd to his household. The subscribers of
anewspaper pay it 30 much week for news,
with the tseit understanding that the paper
shall use every sndeavor to publish al the
nsws of pablo interest, and fit for the columns
OF family journal. A paper that makes a
habit of suppressing news in the interest of
favored parties, is swindling its subscribers,
Just as much as = grocer who sells eleven
ounces of butter for q pound A man who
wishes to avoid press notoriety, can always do
80 BY behaving himself like a gentleman, and
keeping out of the courts There is q class Of
"highly respectable and wealthy people in
small towns Who regard their shortcomings as
something sacred to the touch of reporters
pencil. They imagine that their domain is
"hOly ground upon which no journalist
should presume to tread without divesting him.
self Of his shoes. Such people as rule, e1-
tend little or NO patronage to paper, and the
journal which caters tolthsir whins, loses the
patronage Of the masses. who pay money to
support it, and a. natural result it goes to the
wall. If q newspaper cannot give the news,
II should suspend publication and run a. job
office, devoted to poster and programme print
ing.
Morning appeal. [volume] (Carson City, Nev.) 1877-1906, 1880-01-21

A NHw TBLsaRAPH LIsR.-There 10 talk Of
establishing telegraph line between Virgins
City and San Francisco The Chronicle Of last
evening says: "A gentleman Of long expert
sncs in this business has been in town for sew
sral days ssdsavering to enlist capital for the
construction of . telegraph line between Vir-
Eiaia City and San Francisco, to connect also
with BOdis, Stockton, Oakland, San Jose and
other towns of importance on the coast. The
estimated cost of the line il $4,000. There
are ten firms in this city whose telegraph bills
fer ak months wsuld pay for building it.
Sach line would b of great benefit to the
Constoek and would be immensely profitable
even if only one-third the present rates Of the
Western Union we're charged.
The project il attracting = good deal of at
tsntion among stock brokers and business men
generally, although for obvious reasons they
are careful ~ to whom they speak ON the sab
lest. Half the necessary capital is guaranteed
in San Francisco if the men who pay out the
most money for tslsgraphing here will take
stock aad guarantee to give their business At
City per csst. below present rates. The En-
tsrprsss and Ch'onicle-the only papers in
6tersy county which receive the tslsgrHphie
hsws--srs taxed nearly 500 per week, while
The bills of the stock brokers, we are informed,
range from $500 to $500 per month There
10 a. opening here for investment, with a
guaranteed revenue"