, 1880-10-04
Wit and HumOr.

New SAw.-It is a wise fly that
knows the diffevence between eleomar-
garine and butter.
A Western paper heads the marriage
of bachelor of ffty-seven years, "An-
| other Old Landmark Gone"
The next" pupil, who spelled chin
ney correctly, was told by his teacher
to go up one-but he didn't want to.
Lady" But they have no smell T.
Dealer (aside) =" That's strange,
when I just sprinkled 'em with cologne.
Guess she must be deaf in the nose"
Wagmore-" Now. girls, what queen
of atiquity surpassed even Titania in
her fondness for donkeys ?-You give
it up? Why, Dido, of course, for she
fell in love with any ass-Eueas; don't
you see?"
A wit, in speaking of an illmannered
Judge, said there was but one thing to
which he was ever polite enought to
bow.
What is that % asked friend.
Necessity" was the reply.
The Germans are frugal people"
says an American writer, after visiting
the Berlin opera house. Gas soon as
the opera was over, the man in front
took wads of cotton from his pocket,
aud stopped up his ears to save the mu-
sic he had paid for"
"What do you mean by humbugging,
madam ?" asked an ugly barrister of an
old lady he was cross-examinlng. IL
don't know as I can exactly say, sir;
but if a lady was to say that you're
handsome man, that would be what I'd
call humbugging.'
A gentleman called professionally on
prominent physician and complained
OF total loss of appetite. I'll just
give you little tonic to take before
dinner" said the doctor. "Oh, I'm
ali right just before dinner. It's after
dinner that suffer so much
Dean Stanley Is reported as having
Westminster Abbey. This reminds US
OF Mrs. Partington's church views.
She was asked where she went to
church. ''Oh, it's no difference to me
any church where the Gospel is dis
pensed with"
Papa-(to Mabel. who has been to a
juvenile party. Did any one pay you
any attention, Nab ?"
Mabel don't know
Papa mean did any one talk to
you or dance with you o.
Mabel" Well, there was little boy
who made faces at me-
School-teacher Ito little boy. whose
father is grocer Now, Johnny, if
your father has barrel of whisky con-
tanning forty gallons, and one-fourth of
it leaks out, how many gallons does he
lose?"
Johnny" He don't lose none. He
fills it up again right off,"
First Yokel-"W be thee doing of,
James ?"
Second Ditto Nothing. What be
you p
First Ditto -" Winding the chill
dren."
Second Ditto" Where be they?"
| Frst Ditto" DANCED if oi know"
A speculator consulted q physician,
who told him, " Your feverish life is
thoroughly dangerous. If you coptin-
ue it another year. at the end you will
be no more of this world "Ah!"
cried the patient, if could only BE
sure, what an operation [ would make!
I would insur my life for million
Miss Flirtington-' Yes, I like the
place very much, Major; you have such
Jolly set of men down here"
The Major" Yes, awfully jolly.
You'd better steel your heart. Miss
Flirtingron, in case OF accidents"
Miss F." Well, while I'm about it,
Major, I'd rather steal somebody else's.
don't you know"
What monotonous life it must have
been in Eden, without those cheering
anhorisms that now everywhere bright
en- up the landscape, making every
rock, tree and fence to blossom out into
such gratuitous advice a." Purify your
Blood" "Chew Spherical Fine-cut y
Consumption can be Curedl" etc,
etc., ETC. Boston Transcript.
The following naive promise was Of
fered as an irresistible temptation to a
fair young maid: 81 thank you." said
she to her suitor, "but I can't leave
home. am widows only darling; no
husband can ever equal my parent III
kindness"
"She is kind" replied the wooer;
"but be my wife. and we will all live
together, and see if I dent beat your
mother"
Just before visiting the menagerie,
Johnny had passage at arms with the
Young amt who assisted at his toilet,
and with whom he flew into rage. Ar
rived at the menagerie, Johnny was
immensely interested by strange for
eign snimal with long, 1.-the body.
What animal is that, mammal" he
asked. cit is called an ant eater, my
son." After long silence: mamma.