davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

Turning his flank" Mr.. Brisk
ct (the bnfcher): "Good morning
Mr.. Chattlesl You're a lawyer,
and want your advice. What can
| do with a man whose dog steals
some meat from my shop" Mr..
Chattles 1.-THE lawyer]: Demand
the value, or summon the owner"
Mr.. Brislxet [triumphantly]: "Then
l want six-and-six-pence from you,
sir, or else I'll summons yer! Your
dog there ran away with a piece of
mutton o. that valley from these
premises last night" Mr.. Chattles
"Hum-ah-H'm! Then if you'll
hand me over twopence, we shall
just be square, Mr.. Brisket-as my
fee for consultation is six-and-
eight pence Punch.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

An attorney, not celebrated foi
his probity, was robbed one night
on his way from Wicklow to Dub
lin. His father, meeting Baron
O'Grady the next day, said: an,
lord, have You heard of my sons
rohheryl" "No, indeed" replied
the Baron, with a good deal of sur
prise. "Pray, whom did he rob p
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

"Honesty the Best Policy
Country practitioner surprised
at the visit of notorious quack
and pill-vender]-"Well, wha,
brings you here y Quack levi.
IDENTIFY suffering from disturbed
peristaltic action1-"Well, sir, the
fact is, l feel rather queer, and
Country practitioner-"Then why
don't you take one of your pearls
of health'p Quack.--"That's Just
IL, sir! / think I've swallowed one
by mistake i'-Punch.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

An Irishman was accused oI
stealing a handkerchief of fellow
traveller, but the owner, on finding
it, apologized to Pat aud said that
it was a mistake. "Arrah. my
Jewell" retorted Pat, "it was two
sided mistake-you took me for a
thaif, and l took you for a gentle
man."
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

When a country lad first comes
to the city he uses the very pro-
fame expression, "Gaul darn IT,"
with reckless ease. AS the re-
finement Of metropolitanism be-
gins to take hold of his speech, he
mildly says, "By durm," and when
he reaches the lavender trousers,
drab overcoat and eye-glass stage
of culture, he twirls his little wisp
OF . cane ip bis fingers and ,nur-
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

eff yon marry Grace" exclaim-
ed an irate parent to his son, 81
will cut you off without a cent,
and you won't have so much as a
piece of pork to boil in the pot"
"Well," replied the yonng man,
"Grace before meat" And he i'm
mediately went in search of a min
ister.-Cincinnati Saturday Night.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

The senior Greek professor in
his lecture to the juniors the 9th
er day, speaking of the marriage
of Venus and Vulcan, remarked
that the handsomest women gcner-
ally marry the homeliest men,
adding, grimly, "there's encour-
agement for good many Of YOU"
Amherst Student.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

Sentiment from French lady's
album: "a woman looks upon her
husband as charming during two
months of her life-the month be-
fore she married him and the
month after she buries him."
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

Why not erecr Clcopatra's Needle
as monument to the inventor OF
of the sewing machine. Howe
would that do Free Press.
First rate. Unless by engaging
Singer to assist in the ceremo-
nies, it would lose its Domestic
feature. Richmond Baton.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

They now say Of liar: "He
can tire out a fact quicker than
any newspaper writer living, by
the simple process of harnessing 1t
up TO bis imagination
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

Says the Paris Figaro: A wo-
man passes by on horseback. The
Frenchman stops and looks at the
woman. The Englishman stops
and looks at the horse. And the
American looks at both without
stopping.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

III nAAA MONTH guaranteed. sl2 a
" EfG11 lay at home made by the industri-
"a KsHsSbus Capital not required we
elV .EEkEE will start you. Men, wumen, boys
n ~ " and girls make money fuster at
work tor US than at anything else.
The work is light and pleasant, and such MS any
one can 90 right at. Those who are wise who see
tins notice will send us their ad rcsses at once
aud see for themselves. Costly outfit and terms
free. Now is the time. Those already at work
are laying up large sums of money. Address
TRUE CO., Augusta, Maine. 420yl
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

1t is now demonstrated that the
River Styx rises somewhere up IL
the Michigan pineries.-Cincinna-
ii Star.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

A man arrested for firing a barn,
whereby its contents were destroy
ed, said he didn't know it was
loaded.-Boston Transcript.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

Coachmen should be successful
pokers players. They generally
hold pair and sometimes four of
kind.-Boston Commercial Bull
letin.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

A Broadway engraver recently
made this mistake: "Mr. and Mrs.
-- respectfully request your
presents at the marriage of their
daughter"
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

Many writer of note languishes
in prison. Pot another mans
name on the note, you see.-Mar-
athon Independent.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

With a plentiful supply of twen-
ty-fve cent pieces in his pocket,
a traveller can always find good
quarters in any Christian town.
". O. Picayune.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

The Thermometer by degrees,
is getting below zero.-New Or
leans Picayune.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

The man who never smelt pow
der is the fellow who never held
his nose close to a woman's cheek.
Chronicle.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

"How nicely the corn pops"
said young man, sitting with
his sweetheart before the fire.
EYES," she responded demurely,
it's got over being green. New
York Star.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

There's always room for one
More in a compendium of Eng
lish poetry.-Free Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

Don't scold the boy; it's your
fault. You ought to have known
better than to bring that horn and
drum into the house. Boston Post.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

"Anothcr Statesman Gone ~
But don't grieve. He has merely
gone around the corper to get a
glass of containing a little water,
and go forth. He'll come back
Norristown Herald.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

The Nicar-auger canal is be-
coming great bore.-Philadel-
phia Bulletin.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14
ADvrpTTsvvG MATES.

line '
Local Notices, ten cents per line each insertion.
and all notices continued for three msatb. or
longer, a discount OF 25 per cent.
Advertisements unaccompnnied by written or
verbal directions will be published three mont "a a
Advertisements, under contract, ordered out be-
tore expiration Of time, will be charged full rates.
No paper discontinued until all arTearages are
paid, except at the option OF the publisher.
Transient advertisements must be paid in ad-
vance.
n-S- Terms. CASH. payable quarterly.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

tFlag stations.
All trains daily except Sundays.
Night express in both directions has Wagner
sleeping car attached to and from Saginaw and
Bay City and Detroit.
\. X. GALLAWAY, G. +. BARRON,
Gen' Supt. Gen1 Pass. Agt.
w. w. HEAFFORD, Travelling Agent.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14
WIT AND HUMOR.
No longer by the river

VIII AND HU UMUh.
No longer by the river
We wander as of yore,
To listen 10 the surging
OF the ripples on the shore,
Gone are those days of gladness,
OF pleasure and of peace
She's been and gone and married
A sergeant Of police.
Grip.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14
VICK -
illustrated Floral Guide,

A beautiful work Of 100 pages, one colored iow-
er plate. and 800 illustrations. with descriptions
OF the best howers aud vegetables, with price Of
seeds, AID how 70 grow them. All for a Ave cent
stump. In English OF German
Nick's seeds are the best in the world Five
cents for postage will buy vick's Floral Guide,
telling how 10 get them.
The flower and vegetable garden, 175 pages. six
colored plates, and many hundred engravine~
Tor 30 cents IN paper covers ~ In elegant cloth.
In German or English
Nick's Illustrated Monthly Magazine. ~ pages,
colored plate IN every number and many hne
engravings. Price si.25 year; Ave copies for
~. specimen numbers sent for 10 cent?; . trial
kadsss, -. = ''" LANES WICK. :.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14
"CATTION."

Beware OF limitations. See that the name Of r.
W. kinsman is in the glass OF the bottle.
Sold by druggists and dealers. Price, l0c., 35c.
and 75c. 433y1
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

.
II YOU
Want cook,
Want clerk,
Want a partner.
Want situation,
Want salesman,
Want q servant giri,
Want TO sell piano,
Want to buy horse,
Want to purchase a farm,
Want to sell carriage.
Want 10 borrow some money,
Want to sell some town property,
Want to find good boarding place,
Want TO sell groceries OF drugs,
Want TO sell dry goods OF carpets,
ADVERTISE IN THE WEEKLY August
Advertising gains new customers,
Advertising keeps old customers,
Advertising makes success easy,
Advertising begets confidence,
Advertising always pays,
Advertising shows pluck,
Advertising means biz,
Advertise or "bust,"
Advertise long,
Advertise well,
Advertise now,
Advertise,
Herol
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14
WM. p. P.,MALDEN, NJ. ID.
T.. NJ YER

Commission dealer in Pine and Turning Lands
Pine Lands examined, estimated and sold on
commission. Alpcna, Mich.
Pine and Farming lands for sale
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

Attorneys and ConnselOrs at Law. Office in Me-
Donald Block, over a Anspach g. Cos store, cor
Second and River streets, Alpena, Mich. $50
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14
ADAM
BOTANIC COUGH BALSAM

Has received the endorsement and recommenda-
tIon of cmminent Physicians and Scientific Men
ever! where il has been introduced.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14

ALPENA, MICHIGAN WEDNESDlY JANUARY H.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14
TUOS. NcG/NN.

County Surveyor of Alpcna County. Office at
te Union House, .t'rcaa Terms cash. No
Waiting for pay for three or six months.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1880-01-14
VIZ. III. PHELPS.

Contracts taken for all kinds of Mason Work,
rui., %. ornamental Material furnished ii re-
i,Hico. address Alpcna, Mich.
The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1880-06-19

RD-At an uptown theatre the other
evening a man at the back Of the audi
ence muttcrcd between acts that there
was large fire down town. lmmedia-
tely nincty-scven men hastily said to
their ladies, al will go out and see
whether il is in the direction of our Of
flee. They all returned a, the beginning
Of the next act and reported, "No; it
is in 4 different direction" One in
discreet young lady was heard to remark,
''It must have been fire in a Glove
factory"
The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1880-06-19
RAKPKk.s FKRRY

q,
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'"H - y'''" ~i, ~" .''o ''s -. .S''U~eis '..
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- a"I Iii -, 49,, ~ 81
- ~, pS,'.,,i:"" us..'
The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1880-06-19

in the way OF stimulant. II is great
thing if you can dine in cheerful, pleas
ant society--thc example of eating seems
TO be almost contagious. II is as,onish-
ing what great deal of bad cookery has
10 answer for in the way of exciting 4
distaste for food. The practice OF tax
ing bitters before meals with the view Of
increasing the appetite is a common one.
II is undoubtedly bad habit, but in
certain functional arrangements Of the
stomach an occasional gin and bi,tcTS or
sherry and bittcrS may have its adyant-
ages.
Probably the drug most frequently
employed with the view OF stimulating
the jaded appetite Is quinine. Two
tablcspoonsful OF the tonic quininc mix
turc should be taken about half an hour
before meals. or two tablespoonful OF
quininc wine will do equally well The
infusion OF quas,il mls also hc used for
this purpose. and It's efficacy !, grclil,
cnhane cd l., the addition ul three 81
four drops oi tlu,,ufe Of nuN Nomi,a.
NuN Vomi,d !, one ui the plca,1nic>,
bit,crs " know and will often succeed
admirably. even when given 90 plain
water Other iin,tufca and luiuelous
employed tot a ,lmil1i purpose ar those
ui columbia. gcn'I.r. 'hitc'tc AId f'l..
l1rA. Ihe lui4-l..- .a.sii D. .N.u
iu two iabicipur,a. d,,cs. ~h... VIZ
do.e - tuoiutc '>l .l-uuia. ~ water
The iin,tI;c - t.N ,.m..l. i ~lii o.
The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1880-06-19
THE FAMILY PURSE.

The money question between husband
and wife II one OF the mos, serious
drawbacks TO married happiness. and II
Is time /, was adjusted ON = more Jus,
and equal basis. The liic OF utter de
pcndcnCc which some women lead i
crushing and degrading Men do not
realize the utter hopclcSSncSs and yacui-
ty to which the system condemns wo-
men. They say ''my wife is 4 good.
wcll-inicniioncd woman. bu, she does
not understand business or finances. and
knows that for the welfare OF the whole
family IL IL best that ] should see To the
general disbursements. Now does
anybody believe that il is necessary for
the welfare of the family that she should
60 to him for sS cents every time she
needs il for car fare or 4 spool of thread ?
Is it right or just To take her imbccili,y
in money matters for granted before She
has been tested Is il not just such wo-
men, who are left by the failure of fsome
speculative craze, To their own resources,
with the burden Of family upon their
inexperienced shoulders, who often dis
play wonderful powers of energy and
calculation. in addition to thrift and
persevering industry. which ought to
put all such men to shamc1 Women,
as general rule. can make one dollar
go as far as two in the hands of men /;
and many conccited individuals who
now consider that the social system
bounded by four walls Of their dwelling
would cease to rcvolve il they were
taken out OF it, would find great happi-
ness and great pecuniary advantage in
the control Of all the interior details OF
their homes in the hands OF their wives,
with division Of the income equal to
the requirement.
The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1880-06-19
THE OLD MILL.

Here from the brow Of the hill look,
Through y lattice of boughs and leaves,
I'm the old gray mill with iis gaInbrel roof,
And the moss on its rotting caves,
hear the elaiter that jars its walls,
And the ru.hihg waters sound,
And see the black floats rise and fall
A. the wheel goes slowly round.
! rode there often when ! vas young.
With my grist on the horse before,
Aud talked With Nelly. the millers girl.
A. waited my turn a, the door;
Aud while shc tossel her ringlcts brown,
And hifted and chattcd 30 free.
The wheel might stop, OF the wheel might g..
IL was all the same to me.
'Tis twenty year, since last ! stood
TN the spot where stand ca day.
Aud Nelly Is vel, and the miller " dead.
And the mill aud are gray.
Hut both. tiii We fall into ruin and wreck,
t. our fortune of toll are bound
AMI the man goes ani the stream Aows.
And the wheel moves slowly round.
HtrF.afs N.rr4atuf
The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1880-06-19
ADVICE TO YOUNG MEN.

The Hon. Vim. T.. Dodge, in his re-
cent lecture on "Old New York. or
New York as il was fifty years ago, when
he was young man OF twenty-five years,
gave the following financial advice to
young men:
"All young men should aim to save
something. even a, the expense Of a
limited wardrobe and many little things
they think necessary. II there were
none but young men here ] would say
that from the first year when ! entered
store, with salary of fifty dollars, TO
my las; year when, As salcman, ! re-
ceived very large pay. ! never failed to
save part; and when started in bus
mess, those savings and my experience
were all my capital"
The advice here given, illustrated by
such an excellent example, is worth its
weigh, in gold 10 any young man who
practiCcs upon II; Almost every one
Who j, IN the working condition can
make hi, expenses less than his .inc ONE.
II the latter be- small he can cut down
the former 50 as 10 leave \ surplus each
ycar II. on the other hand, his income
be- large. hc can make larger saving.
ih0u' any melunc,, or sacrifice Oi dc
cent alpc4fAu,c,. Wha, lie thus save
b., uat extending J., !, las oap,A. and
-. ~, ,~,..,-.i -.
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-
~.
..'......
..
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t..
-.
I.
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,. ...- ........ .i'.".,...
.-...... >.
.,
The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1880-06-19
LOSS OF APPETITE


LOSS OF APPETITE.
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n,h.t... discomfort I.. ..m4 ~.
The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1880-06-19
I'm MEMORY OF CASH DOWN"


He is at rest. Cash Down is dead
and buried, and the mourncrs are home
from the funeral He was a well-known
man, but of late years he was not half
appreciated. There was 4 time when he
stood head and shoulders above Trust
and Dead Beat, but times somehow
changed. Cash Down lef, quite a large
family, who will take warning by his
sal fate lie cut his life short by many
years in his efforts to keep his word and
meet his pecuniary obligations, and they
will not follow in his footsteps.
There was 4 time when Cash Down
was me, with a.srnilc and hearty shake
Of the hand II he wanted his buggy
repaired the blac ksmiih would figure fine
and depend upon his pay the hour the
work WAS finished. lie could then take
the money and become Cash Down
himself, making difference Of ten per
cent ~ hi, favor ifCash Down wan,
"a a ncw SUI, II cloihc, the tailor made
difference of 3 between HIM and Slu~
Fay. and the money could b. sent Last
To- ldS tor his cloth. he last time
Cash Down wAs oui ou the street be saw
S.oN T45. E.d Dtbi aa! Dead Beat
Walking arm % lfu and the bla,k
smith. 'lr tailor 'Ac .'.,e- art 'sc
u,f. aai .l.a. il t, W.i. rt. . our ,i
'asm ad 'ei ri
-C.'iatA ,eron, lus,4uaa,,
MIR ...' .. t, tF .r tUt.
The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1880-06-19

Es-ys respectfully .iiicit AZ BALTIMORE
COUNTY TRADE. saaVss ss an sise iAel
BARGAINS Il .vsrytAias : a. aEe.
Mlr-a -. .h.-,r
The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1880-06-19

p1-An lrishman who had pig in his
possession, was observed TO adopt the
constant practice Of filling it to reple-
ton one day and starving it the next.
On being asked his reason for doing so
he replied: "Och, sure, and isn't il
that like bacon with strake o. fat
and strake O. lane equally, one after
the t'other."
The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1880-06-19

hT"Don't you love her still ?" asked
the Judge of man who wanted di-
vorce. Certainly ! d." said he; 81
love her better still than any other way,
but the trouble is she will never be STILL"
The Judge, who is married man him
self, takes the case under advisement.
The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1880-06-19

p4-"No, SIR" said he 81 don't feel
any sympathy for those fellows who have
lost in stocks. They were merely gam
bling" "My sentiments, exactly" re-
piled his friend. And then they parted,
and one bought real estate. because he
thought !, would 60 up, and the other
went and invested in hams for similar
reasons. Pest.
The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1880-06-19

MNlTRlNc GARDENS In the summer
drough;> which nov and then occur. II
l. common 10 see persons everywhere n
work watering the garden 10 keep things
alive until the regular rains come. Il
i however. the experience OF all. iha;
the more 4 garden i wa,ercd the more
IL wants. and thus on the whole il docs
little good. Yet water can he 81 given
As To be free from this objection. |; is
the hardening OF the surface which
causes the evil, and hard. compact
surface ALWAYS dries out faster than i
loose one. The proper way is 10 take
the earth away for few inches around
the plant to bc wa;crcd. 50 Il to make
sort OF basin, and into this pour the
water. letting it gradually soak away
After it has all disappeared and the sur
face gets little dry. then draw the earth
back again which has been misplaced to
make the basin. This will make loose
surface over the watered part. which will
preserve it from drying out rapidly
Tomatoes. egg plants, cabbages and
other things Of this character, waicrcd
in this way, will ncedno renewal of wa
ter for several weeks. IL is 4 slow way
of getting work done. but il is the only
sure way of doing it.-Gymantossw 7fi-
egyaph.
The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1880-06-19
.rAss NJ rnE MUSTARD

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