Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1880-08-07
SgSAN,S DARK HORBE.
An Episode of the Census.

ISan Francisco Post
Probably the ueaneSt piece or cold. FLOODED
deception ever practiced on q woman Occurred
out In Western Addition the other day. 1t
seems that the belle of that important suburb OF
our municipality is Miss susan Smiley. and
her less favored s'sterhood, credited with being
desperate little flirt-1n fact what Billy Rice,
the minstrel used to eau false hearted Gro
GENTLY indefinite q quality to cause her two
most favored visitors to look upon each other
with the most vindictive feelings common to
mated rivals. These gentlemsn-who were re,
spectively city hall clerk, with eye glasses and
freckleS, named Plif, and red-headed dry
goods manipulation called Dtggs-Occupied the
out three evenings week to fruitless attempts
to discover which OF the two was really the COM
Ing man In the matrimonial race so 70 speak.
Last Thursday morning Miss Smiley, In re.
spouse to buStneCs-like ring, admitted mid
dle-aged party with black beard, and wearing
blue goggles and long-tailed ulster.
II am taking the census, num-" he said,
opening the nat book on the piano and getting
out some blanks, lust look sharp, please, and
answer the necessary questions"
Miss Smiley trembles little, as women
always dO Tor some reason when talking to a
government officer, and said shed try.
"Lem'ne see-your names Smiley, l believe
first name?"
'SuSan."
Middle name?"
Haven't got any, SIR
"Come now young woman, no preyarication.
hlC yOu sue you haven't SOI d HlluQle name
somewhere, and you are trying to conceal it,"
No, Sir; indeed haven't" said the young
ladyi, turning very pale, 81 wouldn't deceive
you"
:. You'd better not. mum. The penalty is 25
years at hard labor
Gracious mer'
"Fact. mum. Now, then, let's see what's
next. All yes-hoW often married?"
Not once yet"
eh?D
oh roe, cir, ,o,or,1 +.,,o,,
call it six times" said the census man,
making an entry. whats next? All, yes-ls
your back hair falseo"
-m-must answer that?"
OF course you must. Don't trlf1e with the
United States government, mum. Come
now"
"Wen, it's sorter; that is, kinder"
"That'll do; Wen call ii mixed. Teeth sound?'
Yes, sir! with much emphasis.
Don't get excited. Let's see-Tn put your
age down as rs. The Uni ed States never allows
US. 10 d take 6, Womans age on oath. They will
'rm just is. don't care whether the gov
eminent likes 1t or not" said the citizeness
"Ol course. of course; they all say that. Pay
attention, please. What size corset?'
Must answer, mum. Remember the pen
atty. How many inches around the waist?'
wen, If you must know, 49, But think It's
just shame.
mo remarks, If you please. Ahem Wen
inches, ! find Size OF shoe?"
''TWo-but can wear one and "a"
III return you as No. f. That's about
what 'threer' always says. Any beauX?"
"W-w-what?'
81 say, any beaux?-and be very careful
about your answer, mum, The Washington
authorities are very particular on this point.
Has VerythlDg TO do with the next census, you
see. Now, how many sweethearus?"
'Well-of courSe-there are some gentlemen
coming here-and-n
''Of course there are; I've got you down In
the GOOD looks space as "A. A. /. /. handsome
SO, OF course, you have plenty of admirers All
The goVel nment requires, however, is the prin-
cipa1 ones.'
well said the young lady, somewhat mol
nned, " there Is Jimmy Pllf1, and Tom DlggS,
and"
Hold up, right there! Which of EN- do you
intend TO marry?" said the enumerator OF pop
ulattOn earnestly.
"Oh, neither Of them. There's-ahem -
there's splendid gentleman named Scud-
DerTy-Charl1e Scudberry-perhapS you know
curly hair, and"
and do these-these other gentlemen-Pliff
and Diggs-know of the existence-of this-this
fellow, Scudberry
"Oh, no! I'm too smart for that. 1 just tag
them along to buy ice cream and caramelS, and
take me to the theater. It's the biggest fun.
Charlie knows all about 1t, you see, and calls
himself the-the-oh. yes. the dark horse"
ION, ne does, does he?" roared the census
vealing the enraged features Of Mr.. Thomas
DlggS. II wish him joy OF his bargain, and I'll
give him just six months to get a divorce from
the most twOfaced little cat on the Pacific
coast!' And he banged the door like pile
driver behind time as he stalked out.