Sacramento daily record-union. [volume] (Sacramento [Calif.]) 1875-1891, 1880-05-29
A BOON TO MARRIED MEN.
cincinnati Enquirer.l

cincinnati Enquirer.l
Miraculous inventions are the order of
the day. Even Edison has been surpassed
by genius who has invented what is called
a " Married Mans Indicator" 1t is a won
derfully sensitive arrangement of the ordi-
nary thermometer, in convenient pocket
size, and is graded to scale of cabalistic
marks, which show the exact state of the
atmosphere at any hour OF the night. The
hard worked and belated husband arrives
home, say at midnight. He takes out his
indicator" thrusts it in the keyhole and
out quickly he scans the dial by the moon
lights titful cleaning. If it marks IS. A."
sound asleep the poor husband pulls off
his boots noiselessly, uses his night key
with bated breath, gives the door a quick
shove to keep it from creaking, steals
trembling to bed, and when his dear little
wiley wakes up about two seconds after
wards and wants to know how long he has
been home he is so sound asleep that Ca
briefs trumpet couldn't wake him. If the
indicator scores ga. A. G. B. d. K. W.
T." awake, awful cross, but does not know
what time it isl, the husband puts few
more grains of coffee in his mouth opens
the door boldly walks in with slam-b bang
air; hits his foot Intentionally against
chair wants to know why the devil the
chairs amt kept out of the way gets des-
perately mad on general principles; scares
his wife clear out of her crossness and in
tended curtain lecture refuses to let her
get up and strike match-never did like
a light at night, nohow remarks gruffy
in response to timid query "that it's
about % minutes after 10, " and then turns
into bed in such an apparently awful state
of mind that the wife of his bosom is afraid
to speak to him-at which he is very sad,
of course. There are numerous other marks
on the indicator showing just where it will
do to ''play the lodge dodge" or the &c sick
friend;" or "been standing on the corner
talking to So and-so for more than an hour ;"
or General or honorable this or that from
you know where, was in town, and had to
90 away on the o'clock train, and he in
sisted 80 strongly that the whole party
stayed to see him off, although it was a
great bore we did it through courtesy"
balistic signs on the dial is the one at the
top, about two marks above the boiling
point. When the weary husband comes
home about A. NJ, from the direction of
the butcher shop, with roll of meat held
high in the air, so that everybody he passes
cannot fail to see it, and sticks the "indi-
Gator" in the keyhole, he is almost too weak
to draw it out. With hair on end, he reads
it by the faint light streaming in upon him
from the eastern hills, and sweat breaks
out on his noble brow in drops as large as
walnuts, as he sees the bulb of the indica-
tor jammed smack up against "R. H. s. H.
w. F. Y. j. l. T." fred hot and still a
heating and waiting for you just inside the
door,. The inventor of this instrument
says that when this terrible misfortune
overtakes man he feels that there ia
nothing left in this life worth living for,
and appreciates the full force Of those beau.
tiful lines
This world is all fleeing show,
For mans delusiou given.
He sings the meat out in the yard and
braces himself for the coming fray, but
says nothing, for nothing can be said. Be
he ever so gifted liar his accomplishment
is more than valueless. No lodge, no sick
friend, no talking on the corner, no sitting
up to see the General off, no swearing that
he will never do it again in fact, nothing
will avail. 1t is an absolutely indefensible
case. He is caught in fagrdnte delictu.
Even the CHASTITY gaiety with which, tive
hours previous, he had said to the boys
that he guessed he'd see it out now
might as well be killed for sheep as &
lamb''-had all vanished. The indicator
| having told him the exact situation O
things, he knows what to do, and that i,
nothing, but get into bed at once and wray
the drapery of his couch about him, pull
/ the pillow over his ears and wait for hi
wife's breath to give out. It's awful Will
it lasts, but it has its use in relieving tn
unfortunate husbands mind OF part of it
load.