The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1880-05-01
FUNNINESS.

A Yankee editor, in his financial
article, says. money is close, but
not close enough to reach"
First Irate Female-"Td hate to
to be in your Shoes"
Second ditto-You couldn't get in
them.
The fool seeketh to pick fly from
a mules hind leg; the wise man let
teth the job out to the lowest bid
der.
In New York, il young man
cheats at croquet, the young ladies
caress the fange of his ear with
mallet.
The easiest and best way to ex-
pand the chest is to have good
large heart IN 1t. 1t saves gymnas-
tics.
An lows editor recently announced
that a certain patron of his was
''thicving, as usual" 1t was written
thriving.
A Methodist minister being recent
" asked il he had moved to his new
appointment, said: Eyes, but it is y
disappointment.
The editor Of the Panama SIR
apologies for the non-appearance of
his paper by saying that he had to
leave off to dig shot out of his legs.
A young lady being asked by
fich Bachelor, IF sot yourself, who
would you rather be p replied,
sweetly and modestly, "Yours truly
A voting man who was recently
married to girl, after proposing to
her eighteen times, now wishes that
he hadn't asked her but seventeen
times.
An old Indian who had Witnessed
the effect Of whisky for many years,
said barrel labeled whisky" con
tanned thousand songs and fifty
fights.
A young lady, intending to paint
her cheeks with rouge put all the
paint on her nose, and did not dis
cover her error until requested to
sign "the pledge
A man in Weston (Missouri) fir
cd in the dark at a man who was
stealing his corn, and the next day
the county sheriff was around with
mis- arm in sling.
A man from Chicago was asked
by Saratoga waiter what he would
have for breakfast, replied, swell, /
rather guess I'll just flop my lip over
a chicken"
When Chicago man loses the re-
spect Of the community, he takes his
gun and starts out to kill an alder
man as the only means of being res
torcd to popular esteem.
An Arizona girl shot her lover,
and then nursed him teDderly until
he died. His last words were, II for
give you Mary you did it with al
ivory handled postol." #a
"Heavens' what a cow was the
approving remark Of teetotle judge
OF Vermont, after swallowing a po-
tent punch which had been offered to-
him as a glass Of milk.
The great want in KanSas Is said
to be more telegraph poless or else
stronger ones, as the average pole
now standing in that State holds only
about four horse thieves very com
fortably.
A musical critic, in speaking the
other morning Of the vocal perform
ance of celebrated singer: "We
hang upon every MOTEL rcmarka-
BILE proof of the singers power Of ex-
ecution.
The old gentleman who spent a
fortune trying to raise colts from
horse chestnnts, is now attempting to
get 1t back again by cultivating the
egg plant with view to supplying
the market with eggs and chickens.
There was an old family fued be-
tween them,'' was what female wit
ness in Chicago murder case said
to the jury. A juryman asked her
III she uluH Inedu luel!
A Chicago man insists that le
saw a red and black snake forty feet
long, and as big round as a barrel of
whiskey. We have no doubt that he
did, but he subsequently saw the
whiskey.
A man in an American rural set
Element, who has been an invetcrate
smoker for twenty years, has sudden
ly and permanently given up the
practice. He knocked the ashes off
bis pige into key of blasting pow
der.
"Will you please insert this obitu-
ary?' asked an old gentleman of a
country editor II make bold to ask
it because l know the deceased had
a great many friends around here
who'd be very glad to hear Of his
DEATH"
ibid anything about the defend
ant strike your eye as remarkable?
a L. = Al Ia