The Mankato free press. [volume] (Mankato, Blue Earth County, Minn.) 1879-1924, 1880-04-23
COMICALITIES.

.
called ill-gotteu gains.
A CATS mouth is like free show.
Open to waul.-Boston Post.
A CALF cannot go into society without
revealing himself. -Ne,D Orleans Plea
yune.
The placidity of expression worn by
man who is "next in full barber shop
cannot be counterfeited.
The crematory at Washington, Pa,
has regular fixed rate of charges-S35
per adult, reasonable reduction being
made to families or clubs of ten.
A LoUIsvHLAIN made q resolve to
came dog after the first policeman he
saw in his neighborhood. The dog is
now 16 months old and nameless.-
Chicago Times.
The New York Matt thinks the song
Coming Home to Dmah Moore" is not
proper for prayer meetings. We do not
quite understand, but it looks reasonable.
-Elmira Free Press.
IT comes kind O. sudden like. lust as
the congregation have finished singing
"Salvation's Free, to have the preacher
announce that "the collection will now
be taken up.-Boston 7rdfascript.
"THAT's what I call finished SER
mon," said lady to her husband, as
they wendell their way from church.
"Yes," was the reply; "but, do you
know, L thought it never would be"
AN exchange says that if it is wrong to
cheat lawyer out of his fees. How
dye know? You can't tell about q thing
unless it has been tried. It's time this
reckless theorizing was stopped.-Bos-
ton Post.
"MY club" said Mr.. Sleek, when he
was invited to join one; "my club is at
home" EYES," responded one of the
boys, "and the old lady generally has it
ready for you when you get there.-Bos-
ton Bulletin.
In buying your tomato plants, plan
it 80 that they will bear ripe fruit while
you are on your vacation. Hens love
tomatoes. Small boys will eat them if
they can he stolen; not otherwise.
York World.
AN Irishman who happened to get into
fight was asked by an acquaintance
some particulars in regard to the affair.
Said he: "Well, sir, to tell you the
thruth, l saw but little of the fight.
was on the under side of it."
SOMEHOW you remember longer than
the dentist who, having gotten a grip ON
your tooth, utilizes your person to mop
up the floor, than you do the tooth puller
who jerks the offending ivory out before
you know it.-BOstOn Transcript.
OLD Mrs. Skittleworth don't know
why people will make counterfeit money.
She said she "tried to pass bad half
dollar a dozen times the other day, but
nobody would have it, and she thinks it
waste of time to make such stuff.
81 DO love fool, said Ophieleide,
with scornful glance at his neighbor.
"You conceited egotist" replied Horn
fog, with scathing calmness, and the
fight was over before the police could get
there.-BuriiE9ton Hawkeye.
The Montreal Witness speaks of q
small worm caught in filter as ga
curious object in the water we drink"
"The water we drink?" Oh, come,
now; you're joking. Folks who drink
water don't have 'em that way 81.
Atbans advertiser.
THERE was remarkably rank butter on
the table of Danbury restaurant the
other day. All it needed was hair, and
this the man who was wrestling with it
soon discovered. "Gol durn me-" he
calculated, "if it amt got a wig."-
Danbury NetoS.
A MAN told his friend that he had join
ed the army. "What regiment ?" his
friend asked. "Oh, don't mean that;
l mean the army of the Lord" "Ah,
what church ?" "The Baptists."
"Why," was the reply, chats not the
army; its the navy"
A WORTHY couple in a Massachusetts
town had lost their only daughter and
were deeply distressed. AS they sat one
evening in the drawing room, heaving
signs at intervals, the wife remarked:
"Well, George, there is one consolation.
Us we are, we could never have
gotten Jane into Boston society,"
Hour.
A SIGN in Towanda, Pa, reads as fol-
flows: "John Smith, teacher of cowtil-
lions and other dances-grammar taut in
the neatest manner-fresh salt herrin OH
draft-likewise Goodfreys cordjial-rutes
passage and other garden truck-N. b.
pu"A III AkteaS httC-pftycI ulcctlu
chuesday-also saline singing by the
quire.
A FRENCH physician has published q
pamphlet showing the terrible "effects
Of smoking on the heart. Duu NO hove
known more terrible effects to be pro-
duced on the heart in five minutes by q
little maiden i'll calico dress than by
twenty years of steady and untiring de-
votion to the weed.-Co0,n,ercial Advcr-
tiser.
"IsN't there some way of getting a
verdict out of that juIy?" exclaimed
Texas judge, after the "sworn twelve"
had been out over sixty hours. eyes"
the clerk of the court; "let the
officer in charge of them mention that
circus has come to town." That was
done, and it brought a verdict in ten
He tied his dollar bill to grindstone,
and set it afioat, and went down below
the curve to wait until it hoated down
the river. And the old tramp who came
along just then, patted him ON the head,
and said he was a smart boy. "Would
had known ut your age as much as you
do" he said; 81 put my money in min
ing shares in Wall street. "-Puck.
AFTER telegraph pole had fallen on
q Savannah negro's head he threw up his
hands and shouted: Don't hit me again
wild yer club, Nh. Policeman. 1t wasn't
me that stole der chickens. It was Dea-
con Henry" Then he looked, saw what
hit him, and walked of, saying, "Golly,
Use in luck dis mornin'. I 'spected dat
lie policeman had me shuah dat time"
OLD lady Ito eminent physician):
% Tell me, doctor, what do you consider
The most important rule of all for
health?" Doctor (whose ideas run much
On the hygienic properties of soils and
air, etc.: "My dear madam, always live
On gravel" Old lady (whose thoughts
AXE more gastronomic turn: ooh,
loctor! I'm sure couldn't digest it !"
Punch.
The Best Letter Of Recommendation.
In reply to the advertisement of mer-
chant wanting an Office boy, 80 boys pre-
,ented themselves. The merchant quick
y selected one of them and dismissed
he others. One of his friends said: 81
would like to know how you chose this
BOY, who had no letter OF recommends
,ion." "You are mistaken" was thean-
,wer. "This boy has several recon-
He wiped his feet befope
the room, and closed the door;
he is, therefore, careful. Without hest
tation he gave his chair to that old man,
yhsnh ohO1,o he lrsnIuaaa os haa,4 and