davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1880-08-13
Wanted.-A Reversible Fat Man.

There should be u law in this country
to keep fat men out in the woods dur
ing the summer. If it wasn't for fat
men on the streets, on the ears, in halls
and other public places. lean folks
woull never feel tho heat halt as much
as they 10. They are unabridged ther.
mometers. They arc the annoyance Of
every group and crowd. Let two lean
men make up to so fishing and along
comes fat man with his face as red as
a beet, the sweat trickling down his
back, ana his collar looking like wiltel
cabbage leaf, and he begins to tell how
Internal hot it is and what danger there
Is OF sunstroke, and how he wishes he
was an iceberg, and i'll two minutes he
knocks Tic G4hiu6 business in the head.
On. lat man ut "A church festival will
DO moro Injury than II thunder storm.
In the first place, he tries to discourage
TIE committee from holding the foSti-
val. Wnen he can't do tha' he goes AMI
tres to shut ont eli the air by standing
in the door. If people stand that he
goes putting and blowing aronnd AMI
says he is tfty-soven years old and never
saw such hot evening before. lie
warns the children that strawberries
will sour on the stomach, tells the ladies
that ice cream ii the foundation OF con-
sumption, AMI gives out that he has
had two sons die from the effects of
drinking lemonade Oh hot evening.
Perspiring though he is, lie casts cold
wave over the gathering and manages
to leave four gallons of ice-cream on
the committees hands.
1t is on the street-car that the fat
mans influence is most apparent.
Everybody in the car is all right until
he comes In. He drops down with an
awful grunt, begins to mop his Old
bald head and growl, aud in two min
utes ho starts the perspiration all
around. He takes up three seats, works
his elbows into other peoples ribs, and is
indignant at anybody who has to climb
over him to reach the fare box. He
won't be thankful for anything that is,
and he won't cease growing at anything
that isn't. He deliberately lies about
how his Thermometer stood when he
left home, and if that doesn't start a
headache he predicts hotter weather
for tomorrow. He gets up with u
grunt, steps on everybody between him
self and the door, and detains the Car
as long as possible before he tiually
drops to earth, as if he meant to bring
up in China.
What is wanted in this country is u
reversible fat mana chap who can be
opened out like an umbrella in Janu-
airy. and closed up like telescope in
July. When the thermometer is ut
zero, a fat man will go in for all public
improvements, sign any petition, at
tend any convention, and argue any
question. When the thermometer
shows eighty-four degrees in the shade,
he is obstinate. mulish, bigoted and u
nuisance, which ought to be promptly
suppressed. detroit Free Press.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1880-08-13
Marrying Money.

know . merry maieep, bright and fair,
A winsome Lass,
With eyes oiligh,est blue, and dark b. own LAIR,
But let that pass.
Hes ags ?" yeu ask. Tie no concern, wage,
And il may rest.
Beedss. a lady's judgmento; her age
L. no sure test.
1he has handsome face, 1cana attest,
or lily white.
Aud such complexion as you kaow shows best
by csndlelish,.
Her form is pretty, yes, aud lovely, too;
Aud-let mo see
he wears dainty little shoe
number three
1he's not pruGe, by any mean; OH, no.
Not this young miss!
Il must net dis sdmit the fact, know
She likes kris.
Aud even if Your hand should steal abou,
Her pretty waist
And she should purse her lips aud smiling pout
You'd lose no caste.
Delightful girl you say: Vel, yes, as you
Can safely judge.
But all this talk of marriage is, ii, true,
|ae merest fudge.
She's pretty, winsome lass, you know, jus;
Sweet as honey,
Bath N Shes pool, You see, snd J, must must
Marry money.
- Woneyisu
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1880-08-13
W0nan'S Fear Of Cows.

1t is now over one hundred years
since an American philosopher pro-
pounded the query, "Why is II woman
afraid Of a cow" and yet no one has
ever succeeded in giving q satisfactory
answer. There is once i'll while L
woman who doesn't seem to have the
slightest fear, even when passing a COW
with one horn ali twisted out OF shape
but follow that woman home and you
will find that she kicks the dog, cuffs
the children, jaws her husband, and
knows how to sharpen butcher knife
and An AK. The real woman has NOR
tal terror for COWS, and the real COW
seems to have an antipathy for her.
Friday afternoon a lady was walking
down Cass avenue, when she suddenly
came upon a COW. The animal Was
feeding on the other side of the street,
and the boy sent out to watch her sat
under shade tree and played on a
mouth organ.
The lady halted.
The COW looked up.
''Lost anything, ma'an ?" asked the
boy, as he moved the music from his
mouth.
"I-I'm afraid of that COW. :" the
lady replied.
"What fur? Cows don't bite nor
kick, sa.le as horse. All they kin do
is to run their horns through you and
pin you to the ground"
Oh my-shes cOming!'
"No, she hain't. She's just making
believe that she wants to get at We and
hook ye over the fence"
"Oh /! bat l dare not pass !"
Yes, you dare. Cows know when
woman is afraid just is quick as any
body. The mint you give cows to
understand that you are able to catch
'em by the heels and mop the ground
with 'em they go to hunting clover"
dear me, but guess Ill go back p
81 wouldn't. If yell only spit on
yer hands and shake yer fist ut her She II
wilt right down. Cows know who's
boss just as well as men do. Now, then,
I'll hold yer parasol while yer spit on
yer hands,"
"Oh! can't-I'm goins right home!'
swell, my little brother swears at
'em instead Of splitting on his hands.
See II you can do that"
"No-no-nol I'm going nowI'
If was woman and couldn't
swear or spit on my hands. I should
carry sword cane to stab COWS with,
observed the boy as he looked across
the way.
"My soul! but there's another COW
up there!" exclaimed the lady, as she
locked up the street.
Yes, Lots of COWS round these days
but never heard Of two COWS attack.
ing q woman at once. Iguess one gen.
orally hooks 'em all to pieces first, and
then the other comes up and paws al
the mangled remains. If you
The lady uttered first. class scream
and made jump for the nearest gate
1t opened hard, and after one pull she
went over the fence and up the steps O
a strange house, there to remain unit
her husband could be summoned by
telephone to come and act as body
guard.
I'D just like to be woman, muset
the boy, as he sat down to punish hit
mouth organ some more. I'D carry
a bowie knife down the back of N,
neck, and the first cow that tried Il
hook me would feel that ere knife play
ing numblety peg around her vicious
heart strings. Free Press.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1880-08-13
The Cucumber Man.

"Enos Turner, what's all this
about?' inquired his Honor of man
sixty who came out with his coat on
his arm and the sweat running down his
neck.
L won't answer one darnel ques-
toni squeaked the old man as he
bumped up bis back.
"Phew! What's the matter with you?
that's no way to answer civil ques-
ton"
Well, I'm mad-bilin' mad! the
more I think of it the madden 1 GIT"
You are charged with disturbing
the peace"
f 'sposed there was some internal
charge or other, but I'm going to fight
it If it costs me my hull farm. You
see, brought few airly cowcumbers
to town to sell. was in u grocery up
here somewhere to ask tho price, when
an old crowbait of a boss hitched to a
rag wagon moved up and reached into
my wagon and chawed six dozen COW
cumbers into mortal mush in about ten
seconds. II the owner If the boss had
bin wlliin' to settle like II man there
wouldn't have bin a word, but he de-
clared up and down that he wouldn't
pay one darned cent. Then l got mad
and the fust thing l knew | had that
rag man in the ditch aud was playing
on him like landroller. own right
up, Judge, and I'm sorry there wasn't
one or two more Of them
eff l could overlook this on the
ground of your general good character
you would be more careful in the future
/ take lt?'
" It's my first fight for forty years.
Well, don have any more trouble. :"
- | IL try not to. but cowcumbers are
awful high Just now, and I'm feeling
rAad clear down to my heels. Good
day, Squar'; l wish Id brought ye in
two quarts OF cherries ''-D5G'0H Press.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1880-08-13

Cold potatoes, mashe! with Eeas'
make an excellent and II tAl peas tu"'
ding.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1880-08-13

Patrick kearney, the Oregon pioneer
who IN 1862 threw into the neA bag
OF gold, the hard earning, Of any
years, to rescue little girl FRO dro w
ing, is now at the Skagis :Aiuos, sill
hard at work. He says that Le ii oe Il /
regret the loss of the gold.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1880-08-13

Elack straw is fashionable.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1880-08-13


The PorATo.-It is supposed that me
potato is indigenous. and conhnea "
no particular part of the world. MI,
Darwin, for instance, found 1t wlio ~
the Chonos archipelago. W. D. hooh
er says that it is common at Valparaiso
where it grows abundantly on the sanay
hills near the sea. In Peru ana var
GUS other parts OF South America IL ap
pears to be Mt home. 1t is we'll Known
fact that it was to the colonists Wnom
Sir Walter Raleigh sent out, IN ,9aeeaa
Eliz,beth's reign, that we are ih"eoseu
for our potatoes. Herrist, who went s
out with these colonists. and VINO wtoSe
An account Of his travels, makes wna'
may. perhaps, be regarded as the ear BAR.
Hest mention of this vegetable. lHuea
the heading OF "roots," he men Ti' oao
what he calls the openawk. inese
ROOTS" he says. "are round, some i .,.e o.,
as walnuts, others much larger; 1ney
grow on damp soils, many hanging W.,
gether as if fixed on ropes; they aIH
good food, either boiled or roaste!;,
In early times the potato was consul
cred by many to be poisonous anu u n1c
healthy, and was avoided as an aitlcle
OF diet, particularly By the very poor
| |Faoer(ey.
The Manchester journal. [volume] (Manchester, Vt.) 1861-current, 1880-05-06
ALoCOmorIvE IN THF suLKs.

He's been in the dumps because the loco.
motive has been OF for three or four
days, said a railroad man to companion
the other day, as he pointed to an engi-
neer
How Off
Go and ask him.
1t took a quarter Of an hour and cigar
to clear the cloud from the engineers
face, aud then inreply be said
II is queer thing. There's my engine,
one Of The best on the road, in perfect
order, only twelve years old, and able TO
run or pull with the best Of them. A
month ago hadn't the least bit trouble
IN making time, no matter how the track
was or the weight of the train. She was
ready at The word, held her steam beauti-
fully, aud she seemed to understand
every word said To-day she is down
In the round house, growing and sput-
tering, and acting as tshe wanted to
pick fuss with gravel pit.
Anything out of gearl
Not thing. She's been looked over
twice, and we can't find the least excuse
for her conduct, She'll get over il in a
day or two, perhaps. II she don't wen
punish her.
Howp
Put her before freight or stock train
I've seen 1t tried dozen times and 1t
most always works well. Here she is
now bright as new bolar and as hand.
some as picture, and III bet fifty dol
lars there isn't the least thing outoforder.
She's simply sulking, the same as a child
or woman, and know what started 1t.
Three weeks ago while on my run 10 the
night express, she just wanted to light
out for all she was worth. She took the
bit like running horse, aud If hadn't
choked her she'd have beaten schedule
time by twenty minuets. Sine acted mad
right away, and 10 running twenty miles
she gave me more trouble than ever ha {
with her 10 run Of three huadred. She
lost steam, tried to foam over, choked
her pipes, aud when wanted more
steam she'd slide on her drivers. She
went right back on me that night and
has been suIking ever since.
Do all engines do this2
Not all, but many OF them. Some folks
laugh al us and call It superstition, but
they never lived in an engine cab.
The Manchester journal. [volume] (Manchester, Vt.) 1861-current, 1880-05-06
Aour,un,ssviKw..

ysH, tdst aib'd de blaiDdsst gouaty
vat ever vas DC ieIlau dal Atcs 10 die
goaatey, tbey iak DsIlehmAu doai got
Some sense, acy asG DC taolishesi qacst.
ious ever secu Ven goes down io
my work De oder lay mine boss be says 10
me, Hans. dis va Won very vet morniu
Now, doni hnow Dot vos Won vet
moghinY lie uaks ! don'd know II i
rain or tebnow Don'd | Walk mi. dot
raiu2 Couldn', lolc Il Il vas vat2
Dan, dc next toe, he says, Hans, dis
vas Won very bot lay Now, Il dot vasn (
dc biggest fool question eler heard
Vasn' I vorklu' mlt The hot sun all tay,
and be vas vslkiu' around, bis hands nit
bis pockets, und sayin', Hurry up, poys,
hurry up, poys, und den be SAYS, Haus,
II vas hot don'd answer dot foolish
question al all n be don got some
sense nit bis questions don'd answer,
dots watts dc matter ! goes oud TO
schoyel dc schnow nit mine sidewalk of /,
aud efry ieller yot comes along, be say
Hans, dot vas goot pisuess for you.
Pretty soon gifts mad, und say, II some
Of you iellers don't got some sense init
Your questions you peter mind mine
own pisness Fiery feller tink Deiie,
herman Is a iooler.
goes down nit q shoe store to puy
myself pair OF poots 1ell say
Mister, dot poot vas 70 pig, Den be
be sticks bis face nit mine, und be says,
Hans, dat poot schrink awful; dot poot
some schmaller as dot, you could no wear
um. dries on some pools und den
say Dis poot Is too schmal. Den be git
oxoled, und be lay hand his NIT mine
shoulder on, und he vispers mine ear,
und say, Hans, tole you poot some pig.
ger as dot, pet you five hundred tollar
you no keep um on your feets.
Ven, take um, DE next tay | no git um
on. takes um back, und be say, Hans,
you must know your your own pisness.
Ven, | links know mino own pisness
in someshoe stores after dot.
The Manchester journal. [volume] (Manchester, Vt.) 1861-current, 1880-05-06

An interesting incident is told Of the
late Gov. Buckingham Of Connecticut.
During an important official consultation
In regard to The war, an old and feeble
woman dressed in simple mourning was
ushered into the room aud told her story
to the sympathetic Governor. She was
widow, and her only son, who bad gone
as private iu the Fourteenth Connecticut
regiment, had been killed in a recent &C.
tion, leaving her alone with her grand
son. She drew out a roll Of bills from a
much worn pocket book and asked the
Governor 10 take from II the value Of her
sons rifle and give her an order for II on
his captain, John didn't have much TO
leave bis boy besides good name and
patriotic example, said the old lady; but
| want TO get that rife so that he boy
can bo reminded often Of his father while
he is growing up. The Governor was
deeply affected. lie refused the money,
told her she should have her sons rife,
even If ho bad TO 90 In person to the
regiment to get II. After tho necessary
directions from her, be gave her bis arm
as she. rose to 20, he escorted her of the
steps, and then, with courtly bow,
bsde her good by and returned TO bis
Office. Gentlemen, said he, what are our
labors and sacrifices compared to bersg
The daily evidence receive Of the hero
ism OF our Connecticut women inspires
me with coGdence as nothing else could
do.
The Manchester journal. [volume] (Manchester, Vt.) 1861-current, 1880-05-06

Comfanyb fort, bow contains over seven
Thousand Inhabitants, Il Is jhs dislti'
bating ceaisr fot large rfkiau, pisge
q great bBs.uess sc,ivily, aud 30 situated
iu relation 20 ne back ceualry snd tha
facilities i5r transportation that ll Is
sometimes called the Ble5dsss Paradise
Il Is buiaon clay bank 81 tbs iapolion
81 The Assiulbove with ihe Red River
IAo Nature ot lbe sail . tuoA that Il ls
diNcali e fuj foundation ier a house,
aud many Of tbo larger buildings have
settled aud cracked
The Manchester journal. [volume] (Manchester, Vt.) 1861-current, 1880-05-06
WINNIPEG

Morning light revealed TO us the me-
tropoiis Of the Northwest. We saw a
broad main street bordered with high
wooden sidewalks aud rows Of shops Of
every shape and size. Some were rude
wooden shanlies; others we're fDe build
ings Of yellow brick High over all tow
cred the handsome tpire Of to the Knox
church. Several saw and grIsl milis sent
up ineessant puns Of white steam into the
clear air The streets were fall Of hustle
and life. There were wagons Of aii des-
criptions standing before the stores
Long lines Of Red river carts were load.
ing With freight lor the interior The
sidewalks were filed With miscellaneous
crowd Of people: German peasants, the
women 10 dark blue gowns and bead
kerehieis, the men marked BY their little
Fat caps; French half breeds, with jaunly
buckskin jackets, many colored sesrts
around their wsists, and their black hair
shining with oil; lndiaus, dark, solemn.
stalking along ia blanket aud inoccsinsi
Scotch and English psop.s, looking a.
tbfy DO 81 over, but they 90 all lbe
world over, bat here, perhaps. Iitlie
quicker aud more energetic. The middle
OF tie street, ibough there bad baen bot
single night Of rain, was yast eIpanse
81 mud -tnud soienaeioas that TIE wheels
Of the wagon driving though it were -
most As large as miliwheel sad when
we dared TO eross IL, We came oal Oh The
other side wilh much diff atty, aud feet
Of elephAntine proportions.
The city of Winnipeg, which eighl
years ago was nothing more thaa elns.
Ter Of houses about the Hudson Bay
The Manchester journal. [volume] (Manchester, Vt.) 1861-current, 1880-05-06

The chain mai vest which 10 said 70
have saved Gen MellkoG from Yladet
ski's bullet has for many generations past
been common article Of wear with tho
leading personaqes Of Europe, the most
notable examples being Oliver Cromwell,
Gustayns Of Sweden, The present ear
aud Louis XVI III tie middle ages
these msi coats were known as Milan
shirts, aud greatly esteemed for the Gne-
ness Of their workmanship a famous
Italian guerrilla, who vent into the bat
tie Of Rayenua thus equipped, was found
dead with the links OF bis mail still M.
broken, though tbe bones beneath Il
were completely shattered by The force Of
The death blow. 4 bullet proof yest of
this Kind was offered by spectator 70 the
Duke Of Wellington, who got rid Of him
10 very ebaraclerislic fashion. Bidding
the man pat il on, be called 10 tie sentry
outside 10 load With ball cartridge aud
come up at once hat tho visitors conf
dence 10 Bic invention dId not apparently
extend 70 the testing of Il on bis own
person, for be took to bic heels II once.
The Manchester journal. [volume] (Manchester, Vt.) 1861-current, 1880-05-06
MY rus ,rsr ault ur w,rsu.

Tho other day TG. me, 81 o!d friend
who was formerly prosperous Young
lumbermsn up norlh, bat whose habits
of drinking resulted as they often do,
though be las since reformed and il ty
Ing TO do better
How arc you2 said T. @
Pretty vel, thank YOU, bul I've just
been to a doctor 70 have hlm look Al my
throat
What's The mallctf
Well, the doctor, couldn't give any en-.
conragemont Al least ho couldn't 1ud
what ! wanted him 10 lnd.
What dld yen expect him to dnd
asked him to look down my throat
for the saw mill aud farm that had gone
down there.
And did be see any thing oliU
No, but he advised me if ever got an
other mill TO run il by water
The Manchester journal. [volume] (Manchester, Vt.) 1861-current, 1880-05-06

A. ia writer Of testimonials, commend
us to Gail Hamilton Recently al Irish
girl applied 70 lhe principal of the State
Norma School, at Salem, MASSACHUSETTS,
for situation "a eD0k, aud exhibited
with pride the following testimonial from
q. IL
Margaret F -haa lived with
ME foareeen weeks. have found her
ihyadsbiy good tempered, tDmuRaa
fdiuyJ, cheerful, obliging, eriii9sa ldes.
ifaeiigeJ, fespeeifal. sad iaeoulgible
She is bslter cook ihsn aBy lrisb girl I
have employed, aud one d tle beet bread
makegs ever cav Nilb neatness sad
e#ufaiaess aud ECONOMY, she would
make 40 excellent strYaat. ! heartily ~
commend her to sjl Chdstsn pLilantbfo.
pis,s, aud her employers 70 Divine mercy.
The Manchester journal. [volume] (Manchester, Vt.) 1861-current, 1880-05-06

a Minnesota correspondent sends the
following:
We have had for many years In this
county, as clerk OF the district court, au
intelligent aud CAREFUL German, who dur.
ing the sessions Of the court is very fss.
tidious about violations Of deoorum
Recently Ia an important trial some.
what bumpiious young man from the
rural districts was called rs a witness,
and took bis place on tho stand without
removing his hat lilo was told 10 hold
up his hand, which be did, aud the clerk
proceeded to administer the customary
oath, reading 1t from the statute. He
had read about half way through, when,
happening to glance up over his speola.
Giles, be noticed that the witness bad not
removed bis hat. The clerk slowly low.
cred the book, aud gazing intenty al the
young man, said Look here, sir, when
you swear before me aud Gott, take of
your hat, cir,
The Manchester journal. [volume] (Manchester, Vt.) 1861-current, 1880-05-06

Do not be undnly ismiilafi you will
merit contempt II you are. Neither
should yoa be dogmalie 10 your ssseF.
tons. srrogsiiBg TO yourself much eonse-
qssues 10 your own opinions
The Manchester journal. [volume] (Manchester, Vt.) 1861-current, 1880-05-06

A doctor attending : puasler who was
very li, spoioslzsd ior being ate one dsy
" saying lhst be Lad 70 slop to sse a man
who had fsllsn down well. Dii be
kick he bucket, Doctor groaned The
punster.
The Manchester journal. [volume] (Manchester, Vt.) 1861-current, 1880-05-06

DO not speak with contempt and ridi.
euls Of locality where you may be yislt-
leg; fad something 10 ituthiully praise
and commend thus maEe yourself agree.
Able.
The Manchester journal. [volume] (Manchester, Vt.) 1861-current, 1880-05-06

DO not inleuperse your language With
foreign words aud hlehaoundlng terms.
1t shows sneetaiion, and will draw ridi-
cule upon you.
The Manchester journal. [volume] (Manchester, Vt.) 1861-current, 1880-05-06

DO not silow yourself to lose temper OF
speak sxeiledlY.
The Manchester journal. [volume] (Manchester, Vt.) 1861-current, 1880-05-06

SPURTS sf disguAtinE Mueua,
SRaflss, Cr&okhng Pains in tho
Head. Fettd Breath, Deafness, and
AAy Catarrhal Comp mplaint, can be az
tsrminatsd BY Wei De Meyer,
CatArFh Cure. a Constitutional An.
tidoto By Absorption. Tho most Ina
psrtAnt Discovery since VaoeinatioE
The Manchester journal. [volume] (Manchester, Vt.) 1861-current, 1880-05-06

He's been in the dumps because the loco.
motive has been of for three or four
days, said a railroad man to a companion
the other day, as he pointed to an engi-
, 1880-12-29

carried the House of Representatives,
where they will have a majority of
seventeen They have not, however,
carried the Senate, where they will
remain in a minority of two. These
two, however, are Senators of whom
one never goes to Washington, while
tho other is a very imperfect Demo-
crat. 1t is calculated, therefore, that
with the influence of the President,
the Republicans will carry any laws
not too d%istinctively partisan.