Blount County democrat. [volume] (Maryville, Tenn.) 1879-1883, 1880-09-08
Off-Hand Talks, by Slim Jim.
FACTS WORTH KNOWING.

When | was young | was very re-
markable student Of signs and re-
cipes.
/ was a constant subscriber for all
the latest and most reliable medical
almanacs and rcceipt-books at the
drug stores in my native town, and
was also the happy posseSsor of a few
stray leaves out Of fortune-teller's
book.
/ studied these thoroughly and be-
came wise.
have often observed, with aching
heart, that the more ignorant a man
is, the less he knows,
In fact the ignorance of some peo-
pie is only exccllcd by the ignorance
of others.
have thought of these things and
worried a good deal; and it was in
this frame of mind that | resolved to
do something for the benefit of man
kind.
A few plain facts, which everybody
should remember to forget as soon as
Inc reads them.
The latest and most approved meth
cd of killing potato-buEs, is TO throw
snutr in their. eyes and stab them in
the back.
TO remove dandruf 90 to the Black
Hills and tell an Indian he hasn't
courage enough to collar a hen.
TO prevent husband from leaving
the house after supper, apply the
heavy end of a firc-shovcl to his bump
of self esteem, with vigorous empha-
sis; then pitch him down in the cellar
and lock the door.
After long and patient research, I
have discovered that the best way to
prevent bad dreams is TO keep awake.
TO prevent poor relations from ac-
cumulating in the family, put dynam-
ite under the walk leading from the
gate to the house, so that it will not
fail to explode if any one walks over
it.
A new way to cure a cold is to swal-
low a red-hot stove, wash it down
with aquart of New England rum,
and then see how long you can stand
up in the corner and spit fire at your
wifc's mother.
If this doesn't remove the cold it
will remove you; 50 you see it can't
fail of being either private OF pub
lie benefit.
A very effective way of getting rid
of bed-bugs is the following: M
Mix little arsenic with spirits 0f
turpcntinc; apply outwardly with a
brush to bcd-bug three times a week,
and give him a daily dose of it foul
times a week in preserves. This will
50 debilitate the constitution of the
bed-bug that, in the course Of few
years, he will begin to see the necessi.
ty of packing his carpet-sack and
travelling to Saratoga Springs i'll search
of his health.
Pickalilly is supposed to be good tC
eat, although it is made out Of greer
tomatoes, cabbage and onions.
If you are going to make pickalilly
you must first catch your tomatoes.
TO do this you chase them aroun(
| JllC IOU Will ~ HltNOI y bluD, tblNt w llCu
ever you get chance hit one of then
on the head and lay it out.
Drag it into the house by the hinC
legs, and slice it up.
You then 90 out and chase the cab
bages up a tree and catch them, cut
ting their heads off Of course, an(
throwing them away, using only thei
bodies.
These cut up with a knife an(
fork, or a wood-saw. Add sufficien
salt and vinegar, and also add few
pointed words to any one who happens
to get in your way.
Put in some spices Of life, cork TIN
bottles so securely that the childrel
can't get into them, and go away on {
visit to your relations till the pickalil
ly is fit for table use.
The length of the time will depend
altogether on how good yourhusbanC
wants it to be.
BE careful how you cross your wifi
when she is putting up her pickles anC
| preserves.
1t is a Tins when her temper il
90