The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1880-03-13
VARIETY.


Edison has named his electric machine 80 The
Tramp we presume because it WON'T work.
Speaking of nautical terms. was Noah's s wife
his first mate p Waterloo Observer. No, but
Ham was
A man is always wanting some one to tell him
how handsome he looks. a woman will just
stand before glass and see for herself
Py Shimmiuy, how dot boy studies de Ian
gnages - is what delighted elderly German
said when his four-year old son called him a
blear-eyed son Of a saw horse
A young man sent twenty-five cents to a New
York firm for the purpose Of learning " how to
get along without blotter in writing" and re-
ceived this reply . Write with lead pencil
There is a Spanish proverb which says
When you choose a wife, shut your eyes and
commend your soul to God" In other words,
60 it blind.
When the devil put a tack, business side up
wards on a chair, and waited for some one to sit
down, be graveIy called it a a barbinger of
spring
A little girl OF four years recently called as
a witness in a police court, aud in answer to the
question what became Of little girls who told
lies, innoeently replied that they were sent to
bed.
Mr.. G. w Child draws 81 900 profits day
from the Public Ledger; Mr.. j. G.. Bennett draws
81 500 day from the Herald. And the San
jose Herald got two dollars for single advertise
ment not long ago.
Is a ships rudder necessity p asked an
exchange. That depends what you want TO do.
II you want to drive a COW out OF the back yard,
a ships rudder is not q nccesslty--ETchange
Suppose you were trying to get steer out
wouldn't rudder come in handy.
Clergyman-''So, hear you We got
married again, Jacobs p Jacobs Ees, sir; l
thought as how winter was coming on, and Betty,
she'd got one blanket, and got tother. we
might as well make 'em pair, and be more COM
Portable like
An exchange says s,rIped parasols have taken
the place Of striped stockings We don't believe
it. The idea Of a woman holding striped stock
ing over her head 10 keep of the sun, and wear
ing parasols ON her-Oh, no J we don't believe
the story.
A California boy stood umbrella in public
doorway during religious meeting. To this um-
brelIa was attached strong cord, an end Of
which the boy held in his hand. Eleven different
people arc said to have carried the umbrella to
the length OF the string.
wouId-be-editor was advised once to try the
effect Of his writings upon the folks at home,
without confessing It's authorship. His mother
fell asleep, his sister grOaned, his brother asked
him to shut up, and at last his wife tapped him
- Won't that dO?''
The touching sentiment, sour first in Heaven"
appeared after an obituary notice Philadel-
phia paper, and the father of the child came into
the house raging mad. It was the third death
in the family. and he desired to know of the
clerk, where he supposed the other two had gone.
An Auburn boy, whose mother is very near
sighted, bought two dozen L. ID. pipes the other
day. and after breaking the bowls of, took the
81. -.
The next day his mother boiled them for ten
hours trying TO make them tender She said she
never knew before shat maccaroni would freeze so
hard that you couldn't thaw it out.
The theology Of childhood is very peculiar
The ouly difference between us and the little ones
is that while We think just as many funny things
as they do, we never speak of them, while they
put them into words. We reminded OF this
fact by reading Of the boy who asked his mother
If God made monkeys as well as men. When she
naturally replied the affirmative, he quickly
remarked: - Well l guess He must have
laughed when lie got the first one finished
WILL BE HAPPY.-Butchers find it difficult to
furnish each customer meat free from bone.
They have also found il exceedingly digicult to
cut up more than half thCusand-pound bullock
into tenderloin steak. Printers, on a popular
Journal, have also found it quite difficult to furn-
ish each enterprising advertiser with a special
and favOrite position in the paper. Another
thing over which the craft struggles heroically is
its efforts to set up an ad, and properly display,
in q half column space, matter that should be
spread out in a whole column. Still another
difficulty is to give TO each advertising patron
larger type than an other occupies. Whenever
all Of the above problems are solved printers and
butchers will be equally happy.-[Stanisaus
News.
NEW USE TOR THE TELEPHOSE--A proud grand
mamur. - awakened 10 the dead OF night by the
ine-orable bell. Mamma DEAR comes to her
the frightened voice Of her beloved but inexperi-
enced daughter, - am sure baby has a Group.
What shall I do with il p Grandmamma replies
that she will call the family doctor, and be with
her anxious daughter in a moment. She awak-
ems the doctor and tells him the terrible news she
had learned from her daughter. He in his turn
requests to be put in telephone Communication
with the too anxious mamma. "Lift the child 70
the telephone and let me hear it cough" "Thats
not the Group" be declares, and declines to leave
his house on such small matters. He advises
grandmamma also to stay in bed, and, all anxiety
auieted, the trio settle down happily for the
night.