Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1880-12-09
GRIM HUMOR.
How a Democrat Had Fun at a Funer-
al-Rich Speech at Republican
Jubilee.

Atthe Republican jollifcatiOn in Clar-
india, Iowa, recently, Mr.. L. b. Cake, IA
young Democrat of Page county, was OBJ
served in the audience, and being drag
ged out, delivered himself us follows:
FELLOW CITIzENs-A man usually
attends his own funeral, but it is not
expected tnat he should talk great
deal. l knew the funeral ceremonies
would go on without me, so | conclu-
ded would bring in the body. Laugh
teri But it takes great deal of grace
to sustain man who helps furnish the
corpse for an occasion like this. Laugh
ter. Nobody but Democrat could do
it. 1t is certain that no one save Dem
ocrat has had chance to try it for the
last twenty years. Disappointment is
the modern Democratic birthright, and
mourning his normal condition; they
took out a patent on disaster twenty
years ago, but it has never been infringed.
The patent run out in 1876, and they
have just got it renewed. Loud ap-
plause. Looking over the landscape
of the last twenty years l behold acres
and acres of busted hopes, cords and
cords of disgruntled ambitions, barrels
and barrels of unavailing tears, oceans
and oceans strewn with the wreck of
phantom ships once burdened with Dem
Ocratic delusion. Disappointment is an
anchor to the Democratic soul both sure
and steadfast. Continued applause
Leaves have one time to fall,
And flowers to wither at the north wind's s
breath;
And stars to set, but all, o, Democrat
Thou hast all times for thine own DEATH
l might say with Shylock, sufferance,
yea, Su6er-ance is the badge of our tribe.
/ could give you 329 reasons for that A
lawyer offered judge sixteen reasons
why his client was not in court. First,
he was dead. The judge told him he
might omit the other fifteen. The first
reason of my 329 is we lack the voters.
[Laughter.I You will allow me to omit
the other 32S. But l could give you 329
reasons. Yea, Morey letter. John Kel-
lydid it with his little racket. Wade
Hampton's mule broke his leg instead
of his neck, and Ben Hill wasn't born
mute. English had foreclOsed his mort
cages, and we couldn't redeem. Then
'Tis the South that can supply
Solid comforts while We die.
Loud laughter. In some States the
Greenback party fell through crack in
their platform and crippled u.s. But
Democracy still lives. It's like the mule,
it never dies. But unfortunately, like
the mule, while it lives it is forever
throwing its riders. Applause.
1t bucked Greeley off and kicked him
in 1872. Tilden stuck on till he passed
under the wire, but there was so much
daylight between him and this Demo
cratic quadruped the Judges counted
him off, although he had his feet in the
stirrups. This year we got splendid
send off and might have Won, but the
donkey was stricken down in Indiana
with (g)Landers. We close this chapter
of history with the hope that the story
may be continued in our next. We ac-
cept the defeat the more cheerfully be-
cause of the magnanimOns manner in
which you take the victory. We take it
every four years. 1t is standing pre-
scription. 1t might well be called the
quadrennial ipecac. 1t works up before
election and works down when the re-
turns come in. We thank you for the
magnanimous way in which you have
turned out to our funeral. We congrat-
ulate You on the magnificent and impo-
sing Obsequies. Long continued ap-
plause;