The Salt Lake herald. [volume] (Salt Lake City [Utah]) 1870-1909, 1880-05-15
AN ESSAY
On The Festive Goat.
BY PLUS ULTRA

There are several species of To,
goat. There is one kind that sits OF
empty boxes; lounges against ID,
sunny side of buildings; gathers il
crowds on the court house steps and
makes audible remarks about passing
females. The subject of t1is essay i,
the four-footed variety, the long
bearded, odorifelous, domestic goat,
usually seen in harness, hitched to
a smah wagon, aud driven by a num-
Der of boys. Like the weather predic-
tons of the average medical alma
nae, the goat can't be depended on ST
all seasons of the year; be may, IN
der the guidance OF mis- youthful
tutors, take the outer edge of the
pavement and 60 straight ahead in q
modest canter; but you can't most
always tell; he may go in hap
hazard, zig-zag fashion, with rush
and fzz like Fourth of July rocket.
When the goat Is taken with that
kind of fit, the male pedestrians
spring from side to side in frantic
manner, which is very entertaining
to the goat; the females, especially
the young ones, squeaI and gather
their skirts in one hand, whilst they
blindly feel for a dry goods box or 8
step ladder with the other. The
goat, not being very sensitive, rushes
along in seeming enjoyment Of the
whole affair. His enjoyment Is
more manifest when the performance
takes place on a Saturday in q
crowded thoroughfare. I've seen
several females go into costa
cies over a goat in these tRntrums,
and knew, by the way they bit their
lips after the close of the perform
anoe, that they were Offering up
heartfelt prayers for the welfare and
of the goat, the wagon and
the boys. The satisfied air which a
goat assumes, after running into a
tat mans underpinning, is simply
immense. How the fat man feels, l
can only Judge by the way he rubs
bis shins and hurls benedictions at
the goat race in general. a close
observer Of goats can always tell by
the way a goat Wags his tail just how
much satisfaction he takes in making |
A street vendor Of flowers yell at the
.op Of his voice and gather MS pots
lnder bis wings, "as the hen gathereth
Ter chickens. The goat Is lover
If the good things of this earth.
Nevertheless, he can masticate hoop
kirtF, old iIen, and has no objections
o table linen and beer bottles, pre-
'ided he can steal them. I have
never seen him try his teeth on q
.O.icemap or q politicians character,
,ut think he could worry down few.
Whilst the owner ofsn adjacent garden
S watching with hat!ull OF cobble
ock, the goat will hang around the
orner, like a hungry Niger around
chicken coop, chewing his oud with
look of injured innocence; but let
he man throw away the missiles
md 60 into the house for a good
moose. Lo, what change takes place!
The look of innocence is thrown
side, the osudal appendage is erected
q q Significantly. independent way
peculiar only to the tail of mis-
goat, and be proceedeth
0 enter the garden. like "a thief in!
he night" by the back way, and as
he bicycle and the rider, with siieDH
elerity, glideth by the foot-s6fe,
weary pedestrian, and vanisheih into ,
be gloom Of the evening, SO gldeth
nd vanisheth the early onions and
he tender lettuce into the ear2cious
nav Of the festive goat. Appended
} few lines appropriate TO the ocoa-
ion: L
ell me festive goat, with beard so lsng
and gray,
'efore whose onset, strong men and
weakly women flee,
Who, when they see thee bow thy mas :
sive head,
lake haste to mount e fence or climb a
Why does i! fill thy eoul with rapture
wild
o but a man or make woman squeal?
md tell me, gentle minded goat, if ;
ask l may
or tits an awful mystery to wisdom-
loving man
III, how dost thou contTive TO get away
With an old hoop-akirt or battered coal
oil can?
md when thou swallowest whole an old
bird cage,
lost not thy bowels hurt, thy stomach
ache?
b. lovely goat, thou who art ever alert
for prey,
urn but thy head for q moment, thou
will see
son Of Ham, poor fellow, walking DER
the wsy,
lie would look lovely rushing up a tree.
10, glorious goat, with him, and have
some sport,
leanwhile I'll take the chance, get off
this fence and scoot.