Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1880-02-01
Mark TWain's Opinion OF Private See
retarieS,

Mr.. Kirby, Secretary to Postmaster
General Key, tookoccasion to write a
letter to Mr.. Clemens, in which he had
the tenerity to criticise some COM
ments made by the gentleman upon a
recent order Of the Postofice Depart
ment. Mr.. Kirby felicitously inclosed
tract issued by the Postoffice Depart
ment, saying that " it was to meet just
such hardened cases as yours; and [
also send youa copy Of the postal laws,
and hope you will take the trouble to
look into the matter thoroughly" 1t
seems by the letter received in reply
that MIR. Clemens did look into the
matter thoroughly, and Mr. KIRBY
concluded that he made too searching
study of it. Among other things in
his letter Mr.. Clemens said:
My callow friend, when you shall have out
grown the effervescence of youth, and acquired
bit of worldly experience, you will cease to
make mistakes like that That's, you will rec
ognize the simple wisdom of minding your own
business. You seem to think you have been
called to account This is a great error. 1t is
the Postoffice Department of the United States
that has been called into account There is a
difference here which you seem to have over
looked will point it out. You are not the
Postofice Department, but only all expensive
and unnecessary appendage to it. Grave,
elderly, public instructors like me do not call
private secretaries to account. The mistake
you have made is simple. You imagine your
self the dog, whereas you are only the tail.
You endeavor to wag the dog. This was iuju-
dicious. You should have hung quiescent until
the dog wagged you. You seemed to have
gathered the impression, somehow, that you
are member of the Cabinet. This is an error.
Your chief is one Of the guns of that battery;
you are not. You are not a gun, or a load, or
even ramrod; neither do you supply ammu-
milton; you only serve as stick to fire it Off
You are not a barrel Of molasses, but only a
faucet through which the molasses is dis
charged. You are not boot, but bootjack
Do you perceive? The thing / am trying to
convey to you is, that it does not become you
to assume functions that do not belong to you.
The newspaper slip which you Enclosed to me
l will return by one of my private secretaries.
keep eleven Of these things, rot for use, but
for display.
Speaking of the envelope in which
Mr.. Kirby's letter was inclosed, Mark
said:
You, an unofficial private citizen, have writ
an envelope bearing upon its surface, in plain
print, tho warning: "A penalty Of $500 is
fixed by law for using this envelope for other
than official business" The servants of the
Government ought to be, for decency's sake,
among the last TO break its laws. You have
committed an offense with no elements o.
joke about it, and if your superior does his
duty he will impose the penalty involved. AS
far as am concerned you are safe, but if you
intrude upon me again / may be tempted to
bring you before the courts for violation Of
law. There, now, receive my blessing. Go,
and do not mix in other peoples business any
more; otherwise you may pick up somebody
who will feed you d;sagreeable words instead
of sugar.