The Middlebury register. [volume] (Middlebury, Vt.) 1850-1882, 1880-02-27
VARIETIES.

a broker replied, on being asked
what he cleared OH certain speculation,
"Nothing but my pockets"
The more good clothes lady has the
easier it is TO induce he to act as di-
rector in charitable object. - Detroit
Frer Press.
The ordinary life of locomotive is
thirty years. Perhaps ii would live
much longer if il did not smoke SO
much.
a newspaper reporter who died
recently left a large SUN Of money be-
hind him. In fact, he left all the money
there was in the world.
A man boasting of the smartness of
his children, said the youngest was SO
smart it would take its hand Off hot
stove without being told.
An Alabamian who lost hat on
James Buchanan's election, paid the
wager last week. The returns come
in very slow in Alabama.
A Philadelphia paper reminds the
country that while we are attending to
the suffering poor of Ireland, thousands
of American freemen have TO fasten
their suspcnders with shingle-nails.
A person who was sent to prison for
marrying two wives excused himself
by saying that when he had one, she
fought him; but when he had got two,
they fought each other.
The Gar being late TO dinner was
what saved his life the other day La
dies in the habit of scolding when their
husbands keep the table waiting, should
bear this fact in mind.
There are no cats in Greenland. But
they have native dog that never sleeps
and can howl hole through an ice
berg in thirty minutes, so that the ma
tives don't miss the cats so much as YOU
would think.
"Can there be happiness where there
is no loveT soleInnly queries an author
in book on marriage. Not much hap
piness, perhaps; but if the girl is awful
ly rich, there can be lots of fun.
One Sabbath afternoon worthy min
lister, observing by the time he had
reached the third head of his discourse
the drowsy disposition of sever al Of his
hearers, quietly remarked, "In the first
place, those ofyou who arc awake will
notice." etc.
Mr.. Watts, of Boston, locked up SO
Thomas cats in a loft the other dav
and omitted to ping up broken pane
OF glass. So when he rlimcd NJ TO look
at his pcts next morning Watts hilns
were AL gone but three, ovcr the roof
and far away.
Jones says his wife is the most
thrifty woman he ever knew. "Whv,
sir" he says, "she has made ten bed
spreads during the last two years, made
them herself, sir, out of the patteri
shc collected i'll her shopping tours dur
ing that time.
The question is continually bcino
asked, "What shall we do with our
boys?' The people know what to do
with the boys, but the trouble is the
boys won't let them do it, [Daniclson-
vile Sentinel.
a Zulu cannot marry n girl until nc
has whipped all her brothers and given
her father an upset, if demanded, in
addition. There is great scratching
around in Zululand to find only childre
and orphans.
A Maine man who didn't care two
shakes of lambs tail about the news.
papers, rode fourteen miles through n
ierce snow-storm to got a copy of a
weekly that spoke of him as "a promi
ncnt citizen."- Boston Post.
A French paper saws that no truc
count or lord is ever found PLAYING a
hand-organ on the streets of America.
Perhaps not. But if not, most of them
may be found playing what is not half
so honest game as hand-organ n.-rJer-
sey City journal.
A Connecticut man was brought be-
fore the court for assault and battery.
and he asked permission to pray. This
being granted, he knelt in the window
waited until all heads were bowed, and
then took sash and glass out with him.
, 1t is stated that there are more than
two thousand five hundred varieties of
American apples. And yet the train
boy never offers You any except the
same old thing; splitleather pairing and
saw-dust filling, with a Eastwood spool
for core.-r Burlington Hawkeye.
"What dreadful affair !" Indignantly
exclaimed good Mrs. Higginbotham
LAYING down the account of a prize
: fight which she had been reading 'sThe
awful men actually struck each other
! with their hands, and one of them Got
so sick that he threw up sponge! Such
things ought to be stopped by law p
[Rockland Courier.
S The woman who can sit sill and
,, smilingly entertain a male visitor. per.
d ceiving all the time that he has succeed.
$ ed in wriggling all the pins ont of heI
y new tidy, and is at that precious mo.
\ ment calmly sitting on it, and will
!, probably for the next hour, is sure of 4
u reward in the next world if she does
: not receive ii in this.-TAndrew's Ba.
Y Ear.
n Exchange: "There's something about
/, vour daughter," Mr.. Waughop said re.
e flectively, "There's something about
n your daughtcr,"- ,"-"Yes," said old Mr.
/ Thistlepod. "there Is, have noticed il
n myself. 1t comes every evening about
e 5 o'clock, and it doesn't go usually I'M
q til about 2. And some of these night,
J. am going to lit il all the way from
d the front parlor 10 the sidewalk and SCI
e what there is in it,"
$ An Englishman arrived in this coun
d try few weeks AGO. aud as he stepped
1t on the pier at New York a cable dis
r patch was placed in his hands summon
: ing him home. Two hours later h,
X sailed for London. II is now said tha
m he intends 10 write book descriptiv,
of America and Americans. Heretofor,
Englishman have been in this country
y al least two days before they have nm
~ taken such q work.-[Norristown Her
J. aid.
~ lausmnft0u' CupaI