The Benton weekly record. [volume] (Benton, Mont.) 1880-1885, 1880-03-19
-NO.40.
SEFTzSGS.

It's hardly likely that lie will strike, how
: ever.
al Laundry girls are TOO much among fats
II to be sharp--This is sad irony.
If DUTY stares me in the face" as GER
n tain prominent senior remarked. when the
: Custom-house officer caught him SNUG
a Cling few dozen promenade kids.
!. \ loving British wife's postscript to
: letter addressed to her husband in New
York: ssDear William, have perused the
police reports and Morguc returns every
day, hoping TO see your name"
Somebody discovers that it takes $50.
oo0,0o day to run the world. II that's
so we'Il take the contract for one day
and forfeit ten per cent, of the money If
we fail.
No said a Philadelphia undertaken.
: business has not revived as it should.
What we need in this country to make
things boom is the cholera, yellow fever, or
some other epidemic
Sweets to the Sweep. G7oody-And
whin wnll yer be gttin' up, sors Sure, I
want 10 come up and swape Under
grad-Oh! 70 way Goody, When You
come up and sweep I'll get up and dust,
A freshman who was around totn early
the other morning singing sMy Heart is
in the Highlands" +" was told by the watch
! ttll guardian Of the night that his body
would be in the police station II he did
not keep quier.
Care drives tie nails in your cofiins, but
/ what man can feel jolly when his wife
daily hands him list Of neighbork who
| have got twieeas many bonnets as she has,
and their husbands not earning half his
salary.
/ In the report of '.swell wedding 1t
1 was written: 'He1 dainty feet were incased
/ i'll shoes that might have been taken for
fairy boots" but the compositor made it
read, S'shocs that might have been taken
for ferry boats.
In England young gentlemen speak Of
their fathers as ''the governor, ''pater,'
s'the oTerscer,' etc. Here We are more
civilized, We say ''lad, y 'ithe boss or
''the old man." In heather countries
they say ''father,' but they are away be-
hind the age.
| "Well, Ethel, dear, said an uncle to his
little tive-year-old niece, >" if you like your
new toy, come and put your arms around
my neck and give me a kiss The little
maiden complied, but as she did so sha
remarked: "0h, uncle, how do spoil
you, >.
''If this scalp fits you, you may wear
it ;" scornfully remarked the under Indian
in the fight And the victor, who was Il
man open to conviction, wore it on his
leggings till he lost it, some years later, in
connection with his own
An old lady ut the revival meeting in
EmIenton, the other night, arose In tho
congregation and said, Brethren and
s;stel1l, feel very rcgretful for my sins.
and their burden is heavy, feel-I feel
like the sshucIker' OH Il brass candlestick.'
Pat; -tWe1l, Dan, and have you heard
the news-haye We heard that Rory the
millrr's 1ead?' Dan: ssRory, the miller,
is it that's dead now? Jabers, but We don't
say so, and he was young man, too"
Pat: .sFaith, an that's thrue for We, Dams
he was such a young man, now, that | eS-
pected to see him at my own funeral in~
stead Of me going to his"
An Unexpected Pleasure-Beioved but
unresponsive fair one: $50 glad to see you,
Cousin Charley, and SO kind of you to drop
in. Now, you'll sit couple of hours with
grandmamma, won't you-.jtist TO amtlse
her while arthur and take stroll in the
garden? And be careful 10 speak as loud
as you can, for she's very, very deaf
poor thingH
a clergyman asked his Sunday School;
with what remarkable weapon did Sam
son at enc time slay number Of Philis-
tines ~ For while there was no answer
and The clergyman, to assist the children
a Iittle,. commenced tapping his jaw with
The tip Of his finger, at the same time say
ing, what's this2-What's this?" Quick
as thought, a little fellow innocently re-
piled, THE .jawbone Of an ass sir''
The Latin term for cod-liver oil Is
AlleHn iecoris asseli. = A doctor pre-
scribed it for al old lady the other day,
and, as usual, in his prescription abbre-
waited the terms, which read: ssR. Oe .Jac
Ass, o. ill., A friend Of the old lady
Congratulated her upon her restoration to
health, when she said; es, it was that
beautiful medicine, the oil Of iackass, that
brought me OH my feet again.
Murder is sometimes justiffable, A cook
was dispatched by lady the other day and
buried in the back yard, and nobody who
knew the circumstances found the least
fault. There was a guest brought home
to dinner, and the cook selected that oc-
casion to come to the foot of the basement
stairs and bawI, ssSay, mum, win / warn1
up the soup left over since yesterday ?"
Anything in the literary line to-day,
gentss" said an old book peddler. as he
rested his bundle on 4 table in the boats
cabin, What hev yer got thar" queried
one Of the passengers, who was dressed in
! butternut suit. Most anything. Here's
Dickens, Thackeray, Sir r.. Bulwer Lyt-
ton Emerson Bennett, Ned Buntline, and
other distinguished authors Take a look. !"
Got ther Life Of Davy Crockett?' Here
it is complete in one eollime. Price 30
cents. !" Wall, just do me up two ov un,
Mister: I'm powerful reader: ! reckon
they'll do me till ] get fer Texas.
Pennington is a lnan of decision. The
other evening, upon reaching home, he
was met By his dearest Maria with tho
narrowing tale of Bridget, the cooks kerr
osene disaster. 20, John! z, she began,
sswe'ye had such Il dreadful time! Bridget
tried TO hurry the tire-poured Kerosene
into it-bleW up-barnt her to death-oh!
oh oh'' Perkington il a wonderful
man, a man for an emergency. dc repli-
/ ell. as a man who i not used 10 being
tlwarted III his purposes, discharge her
Immediately, Maria; discharge her imme.
Hdiately. I won't have such woman in
THE house
Once upon Il time the mule, without
having received All Invitation, attended
convention Of animals that was called for
the purpose of discussing the best methods
of family government. What do you
know about III thia2 asked the president,
tauntingly: nave you ever raised any
.children5' The mule wept. All, no, Il
she said, II have never raised anything
hn+ f1if.rr0sy man. hart tay1f3 .af fha nil.