davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17
An InfalliSIe Remedy.

Ifthere is one thing more than another
that annoys good wife, who is neryously
sensitive to all that is gross and ill-timed,
it Is the habit some husbands have OF
using profane language in their homes.
In many cases it is mere thoughtless
ness on the part of the good man, who
never gives thought to the better
half; even should she mildly remon-
strate, he pays no attention to the re-
buke
A lady whose husband was addicted
the badEpracticeto we have alluded to,
came to her family physician, laid her
grievances before him, and said
Now, DR.. N, won't you remon-
strate with him, and try to break him
of his habit? / know he will listen to
YOU"
why, madam" said the doctor he
would pay no attention to any thing
could say to him, although somewhat
out of my line, / will recommend 8
prescription to be administered by you
that will certainly cure him. 1t is an
infalhble remedy"
"Oh, what is it, doctor9"
well, when Jones comes home
again and swears, do You swear back
at him, OF course, l don't want to
take the name of the Lord in vain,
but, d-n things little for his bene-
fit.
And she did.
The next day John came in and in
quired whether dinner was ready and
was told it was not.
sWell, why in the devil isn't it?" he
asked
Because" she replied, "the wood
was SO id wet the fire wouldn't
burn"
why, Mary, what is the matter with
you? Are you crazy or have you been
drinking.
Neither" she said, and quietly pro-
ceed to put on the dinner.
Beef didn't melt like butter between
his teeth--it rather resisted all efforts
at mastication, like SO much India
rubber, and finally John blurted out:
s'What makes this id beef so in
fernal fought"
Mary looked up arehly and re-
piled:
s'Well, John, I suppose you went
down to the butchers, and without
knowing the difference, picked out a
piece of some id old stag that hadn't
been fed for a month"
John jumped up, looked at his wife
in dismay, and wanted to know what
such language from her lips meant.
'It means just this, John:-you are
the head of the family, and Just as
long as you think it manly to swear in
my presence, 1 intend to do the same.
If you don't like to hear it, you know
how to prevent it.
The cure was radical, and to this
date Mary has never been compelled to
administer another dose of DIR. Ms
prescription.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17

Miss Mary Flynn was studying medi-
cine and being courted at the same time.
Mr.. William Budd was attending 10 the
latter part of the business. One evening,
while they were sitting together in the
front parlor, Mr.. Budd was thinking how
he should manage to propose. Miss
Flynn was explaining certain physiologi-
cal facts to him.
"Do you know" she said, athat thou
sands of persons are actually ignorant
that they smell with their oIfactory pe-
duncle ?"
Millions of en- replied Mr.. Budd.
And Aunt Mary wouldn't believe me
when told her she couldn't wink With
out a sphineter musclci"
How unreasonable J"
sWhy, person cannot even kiss with
out sphincter p
Indeed p
IL know it is SO 70
May try if camp"
Oh. Mr.. Budd, it is too bad of yon to
make light of such q subject"
Mr.. Budd seized her hand and kissed
1t. She permitted it to remain in his
grasp.
Il didn't notice." be said, whether a.
a-what do you call it?--a sphincter
helped me then or not. Let me try
again.
Then he tried again, and while he held
her hand she explained to him about the
muscles of that portion of the human
body.
aft is remarkable how much you know
about such things. said Mr.. Budd-<
really wonderful. Nov, for exsr
what is the bone at the backof Ga
called ?"
why, the occipital bone, of course.
aAnd what are the names Of the muse
OF the arm ?n
srhe spiralis and infra.spiralis, among
others.n
"Well. now let me show you what
mean.. When | put nay infra-spiralis
around your waist, so, is It your ogcipital
bone that rests upon my shouider-biade,
in this way"
MY back hair, primarily, but the occip-
ital bone, OF course, afterwards Bur. oh.
Mr.. Budd, suppose pa should coms In and
see us ?"
Let him come Who eares? ?p said
Mr.. Budd boldly. | think Pil exercise a
sphincter again and take kiss.r
Mr.. Budd, how can you? ?u said Miss
Flynn, after he had performed the feas.
Don't call me Dir. Budd; call me Will
lie" he said, drawing her closer. HYou
oSSS ~ anSl ASA JOu4 A1DH YOl1 90.
darling"
"Nyillie.n whispered Miss Flynn family.
What, darling ?'
Il can hear your heart beat"
"It beats only for you, my angel.p
And 1t sounds TO me out OF order. The
ventricular contraction is not uniform
Small wonder for that when its BURST
ing for joy"
''You must put yourself under treat
tnent for it. will give you some medi-
cine"
SITS your own property darling; do
what you please with it. But somehow
the sphincter operation is the one that
strikes me most favorably. Let me see
how it works again ?"
But why proceed? The old, old story
was told again, and the old, old perform
snce of the muscles Of Mr. Budd's mouth
was enacted again. And, about eight
years later, Mr.. Budd was wishing that
Mary would catch some fatal disease
among her patients, and Mary was think
ing that the best possible use Willie
could be put to would be as subject for
the dissecting table.-Mdr 4deler.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17
GENERAL AND PERSONAL.

The Chinese believe that cats go to
heaven and howl around the same as on
earth.
Senator'S Anthony and Burnside are
called "the twins" because both love
fried clans.
Cremation is on the increase, but so is
murder, and if anyone can draw any
consolation from either fact he is wel-
come to it.
A number of political astronomers go
so far as to say that a slice of Mexico
will be pat into some of the next national
campaign platforms.
Mr.. P. T. Barnum has presented the
City of Bridgeport with $1,000 bronze
fountain Barnum has long been known
as q cold water man.
At Gateshead, England, q case has
come to light of female Fagin, wife of
clerk, who compelled her children, by
dreadful threats. to pick pockets.
Il London journalist wrote up an in
terview with Eugenie without having
been within 300 miles of her, and it read
better than the accounts Of those on the
spot,
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17
DREAM or rHE Flasr sR1xrER.


me en- matter az was set anu locked In the chase,
nj. ma me printer sat down 20 Ills rest;
hls FesI syes e. frsT Es. hs neaxy and md gently
hnt his spirit took hight through the entnino
years,
And lhs future was brought 10 bis view.
Ana r'a ne saw hs strange things As the centuries
Ana ali that he saw was true.
BIS eyes were sealed 70 the things of the earth
ne ess ~ nlS q ,,, ,sprlt IKE The winds was fre-:
Saw what the future would be-
no" , rs1 eiick OF the type and scratch OF the
Would open the doors Of the mind.
Give freed m OF thought TO {. echiidfen OF men
Ana open the eyes OF the blind.
he saw ia his dreams the priest and the k,ng
u,ss.Ir Were stripped Of tse robes they wore;
Hhiie Thousand bells made the Wejkin rinS
And the cannon's thundering roar -
froclasmed the birth OF maiden fair.
Born oftbe type and the press.
And starry flag she waved In the air.
That millions on millions would biess.
He saw 10 his dream . beautiful land
inst the foot OF no tyrant had trod:
say s.na, ~rltten on mountalns By inspired hands:
saw temples of FURNISHED gold
BY the rivers. the lakes aud the sea.
saw the Goddess Of Liberty wave 10 the skies
Tne nag OF the brave and the free
BY the men whs toll and slave
VINO awoke to life when they heard the Ehaut
- saw the nag OF "the free and the brave"
Inen chains were broke and fell 10 fhe earth
And u voice was heard to say
Men Lave their rights BY virtue OF birth >,
sor freedom was born to-day.
No longer shall men be ruled. by the few.
ana their minds be ensiaved by creed:
mat Engfne OF power. the type and the press.
The minds of the people viii lead
10 ~ highsr ana nobler condition OF life,
FOR no power on earth can stay
the onward march Of the gtoriour light
That viii sweep the dark ages away
The printer awoke: and over the press
A hand was seen 10 write
Thy ans through the years OF the future
will be
Written In letters of light,
For the types and the press will liberty bring,
When nag OF stars Is unfurled.
When freedom Of thought aud freedom OF
mind
Will be taught in the schools OF the WORLD
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17
Edison as q Physician.
IIIs poLYroRn.


This great inventors industry and
versatility of genius is ssrikingly exhib-
tied in his polyforul, preparation by
which he is enabled to bid defiance 70
sick headaches, neuralgia and other ner-
yous diseases, and to make himself largely
independent of physicians in times of
aiment. The polyform grew out Of
necessity Being considerably afflicted
with neuralgia, and obtaining no relief
from his physician, Edison set out to be-
come his own doctor. His chemical lab
oratory, one of the most complete in the
United States furnished him an ample
field from which to draw. Experiment
followed experiment, the inventor be-
coming more determined in proportion as
his nepralgia grew more painful. At last
lie obtained combination OF chemicals, q
slight application OF which to the face
Immediately relieved his pain. Gratifed
at his success but hardly yet conyinceds
he tried the application on others simi-
iarIy affected, and with eqnally satisfac-
tory results About this time there hap
pened TO stroll into the laboratory one
day tramp on his periodical begging ex-
pedifion from place to place. Now this
tramp was particularly unfortunate one.
his poverty being hardly more distressing
than his physical ailments. One Of his
legs was swollen with rheuma tisu,
neuralgia coursed along his face, and 3
dozen or more sores and bruises made
him veritable Job. Edison saw in him
a most excellent subject for further poly
form experiments. A hearty meal and q
little cash readily procured the tramp's
consent, and soon the inventor was snh-
jecting his new acquaintance to aH sorts
of chemical experiments. For more fhan
a week the tramp found food aud lodging
in Melno Park, giving 10 return few
hours Of his time every night TO be ex-
perimented upon. BY the time his en-
gagement was over his rheumatism and
neuralgia had disappeared and bis sores
were well-nigh healed. The news q tnss
now 1t Is no uncommon thing ler sleigh
bors to come to the inventors lsnorssofy
from miles around to request little pQz{=
form, request which the inventor so9c.
natnretlly complies With. s.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17

Prince Lucien Bonaparte, who follows
the life of peaceful farmer in Essex, is
an industrious student of the various dia-
lects of the British Isles Among philolo-
gists the good old man is little laughed
at on account of his foibles but he is
much respected every where, especially
around his old home. His garden pro-
duces some of the finest cucumbers in
Essex, which reminds us that the best
remedy for indigestion, diarrhea and
dysentery, gripping of the bowels, bilious
and liver complaints, etc., is Emil Frese' s
celebrated Hamburg Tea. Italways reg
ulates the bowels with comfort and
safety,
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17
"MY LAST DAY IN TuE CaMpAN5.'

,
The Ra-m Spirit says: On the third
day of the present month, when in con-
versation with Captain J. G. Ainsworth,
he made this remark: This is my last
day in the company (meaning, as you
are quite aware, the o. S. n. Coy.
Thirty-two years of our life seemed to
flash across our memory; for it was in
the summer of 1847 that we were walking
along the levee in st. Louis, looking to
see if there was any boat "up" for
Keokuk, Iowa, when our attention was
attracted by the singing of crew ON the
forward deck of well-appearing steamer,
the song being
"Oh, come on board the old Kentucky,
She win rock you slow and easy;
She is bully boat, with bully crew,
With bully mate and captain too.'
We stepped on board and soon made
the acquaintance of Captain Ainsworth
who, it was said, was the OILY captain
that could make the Kentucky pay
After short visit home, we again visited
the Great River and engaged our services
to the Iron City, Captain Bill Brown
being in charge, with the late W. G.,
Ralston as chief clerk. When the boat
ing season closed, we were placed in
charge of the latter boat. She proved to
be in bad condition, and we wrote to
"Old Uncle Jimmy" at Keokuk (the boat
being at Montrose) that she could not be
kept up" On the third day of January,
1S4S-iust 81 years ago-who should
take command but Capt. J. G. Aims
worth. After nm unsuccessful attempt to
get the Iron City to Rock Island, to put
her in condition, we returned to Mont
rose. At this place Capt. Ainsworth
left us. Captain Brown coming up and
taking charge, with orders to haul her
out for repairs. If Captain Bill Brown
| should ever see this article, We presume
he will call to mind the rock on the
capstan," and the order he gave to
| Charley Baker for the best horse he had
in the stable to carry the young mate
''ten thousand miles away" We met
Captain Ainsworth on his arrival in
| Oregon, and have known him ever since.
No pen or words can recommend Captain
| Ainsworth And now that he has retired
| from a successful business career, we
trust that he may live long and enjoy
the fruits of such an honorable and ex-
emplary spent life. We regret to learn,
however, that he expects to reside out
side of Oregon.
The temperature in Mercury is sup
posed to be seven times hotter than our
| iorrid zone; therefore If it is inhabited ii
must be BY people very differently con-
| stituted from ourselves.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17

An ancient burial ground is being exca-
waited by local literary society in Madi-
sonville, o. Many human bones and
stone implements have been found, but
the strangest discovery is that of about
four bushels of corn, thoroughly carbon
lied, but retaining its original appearances,
except in color. The conjecture Is that L
was put there as part of an Indian burial
rsfa
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17

BARBoT, CURIOUS MARINE IssEcT.-A
terrible accident has just taken place at
Biarritz. says Galignani's Messenger OF q
late 6ate. Miss Gordon, who had passed
a winter in Paris, was drowned while out
on an excursion. She attempted, with
out guide, TO go along the cliffs far be-
yond the point marked by the authorities
as the limit for the public to 60 safely.
She reached place known as the Fdtdiss
dc Ia Mort, and in STOPPING to pick a
flower, her foot slipped and she was pre-
cipitated into hole known as the Bar
bots, q spot said to have the peculiarity
that at the end Of 48 hours nothing more
than the skeleton remains Of any being
that ever falls into il. Il contains milf
lions Of small insects which devour the
body, and which are called BY the inhai5,
itauts of the district barbots. and which
are BY them held ii esseciai horror The
Duke of Frias met his death under sizni-
lar circumstsnces q few ysazz ego.
Our globe appeafs q Mnrsas tlI7 morn.
4e1r< ~ A. ~
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17

HgaEprTy IN CRIME.-An account was
recently published of Jukes family in
New York State, which. beginning with a
vagrant woman nearly one hundred years
ago, has supplied vast number of crimi-
nais of every degree of guilt to the jails
and prisons. Another instance of hered-
ity in crime has just come to light in
New Bedford, Mass. Charles Phillips, a
young man of eighteen years, and Grip.
pied in the right arm, has been convicted
of burglary. He is great grandson of
Malbone Briggs. who was in the State
prison at one time with seven of his sons.
For more than 100 years this branch OF
the Briggs family has furnished IN every
generation criminals whose names may
be found on the court records and the
rolls of penitentiary institutions. The
ancestory Of Malbone Briggs can be
traced back in direct line to noted
pirate in the time of Earl Belamont-
Cincinnati Gazette.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17

The Moon never leaves our elobes there
fore ii s called our satellite. Though %
Us II appears larger than the stars, II e
really smaller than any Of them, but much
neaxer to us.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17
MOTTO

NOTICE is HEREBY GIVEN - WHOM n
~ may concern That the uidrr-. ssi d has b'ea
awarded the contract for kerl,iu. tie Dousl.ts
County paupers for period Of wo years. MI
persons in need of assistance from said tohntr
must first procure certificate 70 that effect from
sny member of the County Beard AMI present 1t
10 one OF the following named persons, who are
authorized 10 and will care G1r thosc presenting
such certificates: Button & Perkins, !ta5.burs; Il.
L. Ksllogg, Oakland; Mrs Brown, Looking
Glan. DR.. Woodruff is authorized TO furnish
medical aid TO ali persons in need o! the sa'ne aud
who have been declared paupers Of D5itltas
Ccuntv " p. CLARK
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17

The temperature in Mercury is sup
posed to be seven times hotter than our
iorrid zone; therefore if it is inhabited it
must be by people very differently con-
stituted from ourselves.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17

Desiring share of public patronage, the un-
dersigne.l promises to offer extra inducements to
all patrons. Give me q trial
JOHN GILDERSLEVE.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17

A SYMPATHIzINa STRANGER. the
Grand river car the other day lady sud
denly discovered that she had lost her
purse. Tho other passengers consisted
of an old man and six women. Three OF
the women chuckled at the loss, two
whispered to each other that they didn't
believe it, and the sixth looked around
on the floor with eager eyes. The old
mans sympathies we're aroused from the
first, aud he asked. 'tDid your wallet
contain any money! s.Of course it did"
she sharply replied. ibid it contain o
photograph of your deceased husband
and other relics of no value to any one
but the owner?" s'No, siri My husband
is not dead had over So in the purse.
"Over So and winter right at your
doors" he unused. "Were you carrying
this wallet in your--in your pocket?'
Yes, sir. /" Did you stop in my tobacco
store down town?'' She gave him a
blast with her eyes and refused to an
swer Because" he went on, II allus
lose my wallet in tobacco store, if any
where. don't think you viii ever see
your lost wealth again Have your
permission to take up collection on
this car for your benefit" No, sir;
you will please attend to your own
businessp VERY well-I viii. My
sentiments, however, force me to say I
sympathize with the bereaved in her loss.
That's ALI Then be sat down.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17

coFFiNS MADE AND TRIMMED.
And orders filled cheaper and better than can
any other establishment.
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17

Our globe appeafs q Mnrsas ils morn.
ing and evening star. :. s
The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1880-01-17

OMAHA, Jan. 6.-An invitation has been
sent TO Parnell to make On aha visit on his
way to California. In case he accepts be will
De given big reception by Irish citizens, who
meet to morrow to make preliminary arrange
meut1
The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1880-08-19
Two Children Killed.

From Shreveport Times, August 18th
Sunday morning about three miles
southeast of Collinsburg, Bossier
parish, most distressing accident
occurred, resulting in the instant
killing OF two children, a boy aged
two years and girl aged four years.
The circumstances as we learn them
are about as follows: A white man
by the name of Robert Gilbert, liv.
ing Oh Mr.. Frank Strayham's place.
had been ont hunting Saturday but
from some cause his gun would not
fire, and Sunday morning he went
into MI. Stray hams workshop, screw
ed bis gun up in the wise, took off
one OF the locks and began hammer
ing about the gun when one of the
barrels was discharged, the load go
Ing through an inch plank, which
formed part of the wall of the shop.
Unfortunately Mr.. Strayhan's two
little children were playing Just out.
side of the shop and in range of the
gun, and when it fred the little boy
dropped dead, several of the shot
penetrating his brain, and his little
sister fell mortally wounded, having
been struck in the abdomen.
DR.. Waters, living at CoIiinsburg,
was Immediately Summoned, and did
all in his power to save the life of
the little girl, but bis efforts were of
no avail. She fingered until about
IL o'clock Sunday night, when she
expired.
This is one of the most unfortu.
nate and distressing accident we
have ever had to record, and we
deeply sympathise with the grief
stricken parents in the great caIam.
ity that has befallen them.
The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1880-08-19
Prolific Cotton.

lFrom Shreveport Standard, Aug 18th
Captain Il. A. Carmouche, of the
Banner plantation, Bossier parish,
called at the office of the Standard
yesterday and exhibited to us stem
of d cotton stalk, on which were Ia
large and full grown hollis of cotton.
The parent stalk, the Captain says,
grows 4 to 5 feet in height on ordi-
nary Red River lands, and each limb
having from 5 to IA bolls. The cot
ton is grown from seed procured
from South America by Mr.. l.. Duco,
of Hurricane Bluff. 1t is an early
variety and will, if planted early in
the season, commence opening iu
July. Capt. Carmouche has of this
variety about 10 acres, and it will
grow from l to Ii bales per acre on
ordinary Red River land. The bolls
are large and filed with long staple.
Capt. CarmOuche informs us that
the cotton worms had been quite
numerous in his crop, but that he
had been poisoning them with Paris
green, tue remedy proving perfect
success, and he is satisfied by this
means that he will be able to prevent
any serious damage to the crop from
the caterpillar.
The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1880-08-19
Obituary.

Died, OF swamp fever July 10Th, after u
briet Illness ALONZO +. ARNOLD.
Another spirit has taken its flight, Another
soul has vanished In the early prime of his
manhood, before time had c,.et one shadow Oh
his brow, this noble young man has been call.
cd IRON our midst How sad it is this Young
lie lately 80 fun OF vieor, 80 flushed with
health, should so soou experience the inevita
bic change OF life. Throughout the greater
part OF Bosser parish he was known aud es
teemed as generous whole souled and unas
suinlhg character, never lacking that want of
courtesy and aifabilitv which characterized
him true gentleman. AS a devoted brother
his reputation had extended az far as his
name He never endeavorcd to conceal his
fratcrnal love, aud the manifestations he
cvinced were those OF a genuine love, einanat
ing from true brothers heart In society he
was welcome member, and universal fayo-
rite; endowed with that nature so full of life
vigor, aud chiyairy to render him ALWAYS
popular But alas, he is gone No more will
his pleasant conntenance greet the friends
who loved h:mi That noble soul has crossed
The river styx, and is awaiting you beloved
brothers and sisters, to meet him III a brighter
world where sorrow aud parting arc no more.
Csss~