Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1880-11-04
Anmurpms department.
ANOTHER THEORY BUSTED.


held an auction of her household effects yes.
terday, and everything went ut prompt sale
until little but the beadstead was left Just
before this was put up some OF the women
went to spying around and discovered that
it was infested by bed-bugs. This fact was
noised around until it came to the ears of the
auctioneer who mounted his box and said:
"Words cannot express tho poignancy Of
my sorrow over the base canard which has
been put in circulation in this crowd. I have
sold goods jim this town for twenty-nin long
years, and this is the first instance in which
bugs have been permitted to step between me
and the purchasing public Ladies and gen.
tlemen, if there is bug in or about that bed
stead I want to see him. l cannot and will
not believe there is 1t would be SANDER
q most foul slander-on the character of this
worthy widow, who is about to remove to
the State of Ohio"
Being invited to step down and view the
bugs for himself he made an inspection.
They were galloping in and out and up and
Ladies and gentlemen" said the auction
eer as he resumed his post, II found bugs.
I don't exactly remember the Latin name
for them, but they are there. And now let
me talk to you as friend. Bedbugs were
not made for gaudy show, nor were they
made for life of ease. 1t is law Of
nature that they shorld inhabit bedsteads.
They can no more 60 out under the barn
and make a living than dog can be-
come an eagle and float through space. The
aversion among you to this insect is founded
on false principles. His bite scarcely irri-
tates the sleeper, but it cleanses and puri6es
the blood. But for bedbugs in this country
we should all have boils and carbunkles.
They keep down warts. They cause moles
to disappear Give them chance and they
would remove corns without pain. The
great"
"Fhy cents!" called an old woman who
remembered that she had remedy at home.
FIFTY cents! 1 am offered fifty cents for
$40 bedstead, and as l was going to say,
the great Napoleon always asked for bed
with bugs in it. I am offered fifty cents, and
yet Cesar had his bugs. I am"
"One dollar"
81 am offered one dollar, and yet the poets
of Greece immortalized the insects before you.
This widow tells me that she has not had an
ache or pain since the FIRST bug made his ap
pearance. How many of you have read what
Homer wrote of them? What was the foun-
tain of Mozart's twelfth mass?". And yet
i"
1.-TWO dollars"
"And yet I hear only two dollars Do
YOU have the headache? Are you afflicted
with giddiness? Do you have roaring in the
ears?'
"Three dollars!'
"My friends let me 60 home and get my
copy of Paradise Lost and read to you one
short chapter. What did Milton"
"Four dollars !"
"Ah /! | begin to see that art and culture
are not unknown to the audience. Did Alex
ander the Great have boils? Never, not
one! And why?"
give dollars"
81 am bid FIVE dollars. ! would like to
quote one verse from we'll known Latin
poet, but time presses and this bedstead is
sold for five dollars cash on the nail. | will
now direct your cultured attention to that
cookstove with a cracked oven."-Detroit
Free Press.
ONLY A GIMLET.-"I should like to sell
YOU a gimlet," said q. careworn looking man
as he walked into an Office the other day.
"We have no use for one," replied the cashier.
"But you should always look into the misty
future" went on the 6end, demurely. "Next
winter you will want to make holes in your
bootheels, so as to get your skates on" 81
use club skates-no straps required" "You
may want to screw some boards together some
time. The old.fashioned method Of driving
the screws in with hammer is pernicious, as
it deteriorates the tenacity of the fangs of
the screw, as it were" Nothing to day, sir."
"This gimlet acts as corkscrew." II don't
want it." ut also may be used as tack
hammer, cigar holder and toothbrush" !"
IL don't want it." "It has an eraser, pen
and ink:stand, table for computing COM
pound interest and lunch. box attachment" :"
81 can't help it; don't want it." 81 know
you don't; you're one of those men that don't
buy gimlet unless it has restaurant and
trip to Europe and an Italian opera company
attached You're the kind of man who
would live near an electric light to save a
gas BILL" And the careworn man walked out
with his mental plumage on the perpendicu-
lar, sighing at the dullness of his hearer
ggn"Is there any ford here?" asked an
English tourist, who came suddenly to full
stop before one of the little mountain torrents
of the West of Ireland. "Oh, to be sure,
your honor, there was ford" said a peasant,
standing at the brink, and making hundred
grimaces of civility. "When was it?" said
the tourist Before the bridge was built"
said the peasant "but when man and horse
went over the bridge, the ford was out of use"
"Well, now that the bridge has broken down,
suppose that the ford has got into use again.
Is it safe ?" "To be sure, your honor, all but
in the middle. But that's nothing; if you
can swim, there is no better ford in the coun-
try" But I cannot SWIM" "Then, your
honor, the only safe way l know of is, as soon
as you get beyond your depth, walk back
again."
paE A little girl, who was left in charge of
the house by her mother, with special warning
against going into press containing certain
good things, was found in the forbidden closet
on the ladys return. Vexed at her daugh-
ter's disobedience she asked her if she knew
who it was that tempted her to do wrong.
at was Satan," said the girl. "Then you
should have said : Get thee behind me,
Satan! !" said the lady. $50 l did, mother"
replied the girl, "but then he pushed ME into
the press"
R0- Fashion is often the result of accident.
A South End woman's hat blew off the 9TH
er day and was run over by horsecar, a
hack and wheelbarrow, besides being STEP
ned npon four times. before she recovered it.