The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1880-09-04
VARIETY.

Talk is cheap" Is it? just hire lawyer
once.
Motto for the mLkman-To the pure all things
are pure.
How rapidly a man losses all interest in poll
tics and national finance, when he shuts the door
on bis thumb.
." am very much afraid Of lightning" said
pretty lady. - And well you may be" replied
. despairing lover. - as your heart is made of
steel"
Davis got five years in prison for having two
wives. Cannon Of Utah, who has four got two
years in Congress. After all, perhaps Davis is
the happier man Of the two.
Wisconsin man who had Just recovered from
lung fever thinks It was caused by catching cold
IN the army 10 years ago, and he therefore
applies for pension
When q baby frets because You put a bib ON
it, you can put II down q whine bibber and q
mocker. Name this paper when mentioning the
fact to any one.
Ii Is simply wonderful how much higher the
standard OF scholarship II in some colleges than
IN others. The Princeton Baseball Club has lust
beaten that belonging to Brown University by
score Of 10 to ..
It d very cheering 70 be reminded that accord
ing TO the Book Of Revelations, the dimensions of
heaven afford more than one hundred rooms of
sixteen feet square each for 297 900 900 900 900
persons.
" Where can get a first class depuIatory, or
hair remOver?" asks anxious female per
postal card If you can lease Sioux Indian at
reasonable rates perhaps that would be the
cheapest way to accomplish what you are after.
Diner at n fashionable restaurant calling the
walters attention TO his plate: "What do you
call this stuff Waiter: THAT, sir; that's bean
soup" Diner: 'WelI, / don't want to know
what it has been, but what il 10 now"
Fdiknra all u1tta in aaLiny Ediaon 70 ,nva1t
style OF newspaper columns that will enable each
separate advertiser TO have a place next TO the
reading matter, at the top Of the column.
There's millions in it.
Can't blind the Boston Posi-. IL says
'' When Bret Harte developed a propensity to
lecture be was at once appointed Consul and
sent 5000 miles away And yet some people
maintain that our diplomatic service is of no use
to Us"
" How do you pronounce s-t-I-n-g-y !? " Pro
fessor Stearns asked the young gentlemen nearest
the foot Of the class And the smart bad boy
stood up and said it depended q great deal
whether the word applied to a man or a bee. Go
to the head, young fellow.
Summer meeting, Sandown Park; horsey
young snob to young wife Of old husband: ''lt's
rather rough, l think, to be mated TO an old
sloE-going cab horse" Horsey young wife, but
always sensible: "Ah, but mine is not 30 badly
broken as some of your faster creatures are |! He
keeps bis feet frst-rate, and never balks or shies
at the highest millinery bills"
Tommy had finished saying his prayers the
other night and was sitting on the bed with his
arms elapsed around his knees when he inter-
rogated his nurse in this wise :" Mary, why do
we always say men? Why don't we sometimes
say q sheep, dog, horse, cow?' DE was
tucked in with the remark that curiosity led to
the fall of our first parents
Eve was the first woman who ever went
g. af-of1n
Os,Dego Record The reason being that Adam
wouldn't Ietter.-Free Press. Eve bad no
necessity to 90 to the post-ofice the male came
to hcr.-BaLinnOre Ecery Saturday. Then she
never had the pleasure of buying a three cent
stamp with n tventy-doIIar bill.-Bloomingto
Eye That's why she raised Cain
An old Scotch lady, who had no relish for
modern church music, was expressing her dis
like for the singing Of an anthem in her own
church, ooe day when q neighbor said h" Why
that IL q very old anthem David sang that an
them 20 Saul" To this the old lady replied
weel, weel, moo for the first time understan
who Saul threw bis javelIn at David, when the
lad sang for him
Last year young D assiduously courted the
daughter Of a rich pharmacist, hoping to marry
her. At that time, whenever he spoke Of his in
tended fafher-in-laW, he always said, "fhat
great saFant,' The famous chemist" etc.
Much 10 his disgust, young D-was refused BY
the poafmociSb QauEnLer- anu uOHs Nucnc'ct
any one speaks to him or his unattained father
in-lav, be says. disdainfully, "Ah, yes, that old
herb-gatherer.'
s'It's 6stonishin,'' remarked the old forty
miner this morning rs he nodded over his glass,
to our reporter, 'sIt's astonishin' what coward
q man 10 at home reg'lar erawlin sneak, oy
Joye! I've travelled good bit, and help up my
end in most o. the camps on the coast since 4S
I've gos three bullets inside o. me. I've shot and
been shot at, an never heard nobody say
had7't ~ good grit most fellers that's goin
But at home I'm . kyote. Afore I'D let the old
woman know that her hot biscuit wanst Al
when iss like stile amalgam, I'D ill myself as
tan ~ q retort I've done it lots o times.
Most o. my teeth is gone from tuggin' on oeei,
steaks that the old woman fried. Dye think
roar out when 90 over q chair IN the DARK
No, SIR. While I'm rubin my shins an keep
N back the tears I'm likewise sweatin fur fear
the old woman has been woke by the upset. IL
didn's use 20 be So" sighed the poor fellow,
thoughtfully rubbing his shining scalp. "Wh hen
We 6rst hitched thought was the superinten-
dent, hnt year or two of argyin' the pint set
tied down to shown the car at low wages.
kin lick any man o. my age an size," cried the
old gentleman, banging the saloon table with bis
Wrinkled fist. "IH shoot, stand up, or rough
And-tumble for coin, but when hang my hat on
the peg in the hall, an take Of my muddy boots.
an hear the old woman ask If that's me, tell
yor ths starch comes right out o. me-