Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1880-03-27
SMILES.

THEODORE THOMAS Is very quick in all
his movements. He beats tme.-Chica-
90 Journal.
TIE Russian fourth Of July threatens
to last about all the year, il the CT
holds out So long a. that.
A CISCISSArI criticism on THE Pr
rates Of PenEance:" The thin pirate
with terrific moustache had his night
calf on wrong side out"
The Bridgeport Standard suggests that
everybody drop the discussion OF the
gem puzzle, and try TO find out why
bass violin players are always fat.
SUGGEsrroS by the Danbury Ne.rs
"When YOU have got through using
your puzzles give them to the poor.
We must get rid of the poor some
way"
The only thing American about a
brass band is the way small boys pad
die through mud and dust to catch
enough OF the tune to whistle.
Four of the widows OF Brigham Young
have found rest and consolation with
second husbands. The rest are so
homely that they are waiting to die.
HAVING been so long in office, Secre-
tary Sherman begins TO fear his party
will overlook the TACT that he Is an Ohio
man.-Ne'r Orleans Piedyuns.
FRANK d. MoULroS, the Beecher mu-
| tual friend, Is not so fresh as formerly,
and is making a handsome fortune in
| the salt business. Orleans Picd-
yrRe.
The David Davis boom has been so
quiet for the past two weeks, tina. 1t Is
confidently believed the Judge is sitting
on it.-Burli..giOH HawLeye.
A PHYSICIAN told a Chicago man that
he could cure him OF his love OF whiskey,
and the Mortified man at once notified
the doctor that he should employ an
other medical adviser.
A YANKEE manager finding that Sara
Bernhardt's terms are exorbitant is
now negotiating for the skeleton which
she keeps in her room. The brute says
no one will know the difference.
A ROBUST countryman meeting a
physician, ran to hide himself behind
a wall. Being asked the cause, he re-
piled: at is so long since have been
sick that am ashamed 10 look ply ST.
clan in the face"
"UHCLE BILLY Travers is a noted
Wall street wit. One day he saw a we'll
known finanCier standing at a street
corner with his hands in his pockets,
and turning 10 friend he said in his
stumbling way: There gig goes SIS
sam B.b-ar-ow, and by, he's g-g got
his hands in his own pockets.
The New York Times widens the
breach between that city and Cincinnati
by saying that it is difficult to establish
musical college "in minor and interi-
or city like Cincinnati" The latter city
will Immediately shut down on the hog
supply Of New York.
TnE inventor Of the comparatively
unknown game OF fifteen will endeavor
TO get bin passed giving him the sole
right OF manufacture OF the puzzle. lie
claims that the patent was applied for,
and that during the delay that ensued
the game got out. and consequently he has
lost over $4,000. The bill will very
likely be entitled "a bill for the protec.
ton OF game.
WHAT this country yearns ior is a wri'
ter who will visit Chicago and not begin
his letters with: Forty years ago,
where this city stands, there was
bowling wilderness, while now" etc.
Il is also out OF order to tell that story
about that man who could have bought
the city for pair of boots. There may
have been time when there could have
been found man reckless enough TO
have made such an expenditure for the
city, but that was before it was 30 heavi.
" mOrtgaged. No sensible man would
think of giving a new pair of good boots
for the city now, il he were forced TO
paw the taXes.-Dtroit Free Press.