The Portland daily press., 1880-10-28
TWAIN ON THE TARIFF.
Mark Takes the Connecticut Stump.

Mark Takes the Connecticut Stump.
The Hartford Republicans had grand raj
ly Tuesday night, at which many speeches
were made. The attraction of the evening was
the address of Mark Twain, who made his ini
iabpoitical speech 1t had been announced that
it would be devoted to discussion of the tariff
question, and he argued, in humorous vein,
that Democratic success would result in the
adoption of the Wood tariff bill, and conse-
quently the North would be relieved of the
distressing Nuisance of factory smoke This
now troubles the entire North. The speaker,
hitting at Senator Eaton's practice of literally
quoting statistics, said that the statistics of the
navy department showed that if factory smoke
could be done away with, there would be /.
saving of 100000 in wash bills. The statis-
tics of;the interiors6epartmen showed that fac.
tory smoke causes more profanity to;the square
mile than any known agent except book
agent. The statistics of the department of
justice show that, with the departure of fac
tory smoke, factory operatives and their fami-
lies will have glorious respite from labor and
a holiday with no work and no wages; then
you can get man to do odd Jobs for so cents a
day, as you can in England. Vote for the
Democratic standard bearers-English of Com
nectcut, English of Indiana and English on
the other side of the water, for this fight is an
English fight, pure and simple, and there is
nothing else to it, 1t is truth which we can
not ignore, for it involves our actual bread and
meat, and no amount of fine talk or cooked-up
statistics can take away from it that stern and
ominous fact In conclusion the speaker il
Illustrated by fable England's desire for free
trade policy in this country. and its effect
here-a policy which the Democratic party prac
ticaly support by advocating tariff for revenue
only Once there was community of happy
and prosperous sparrows living in pleasant
wood near lake. In the woods, on the other
side of the lake, lived community of cuckoos
You know the grasping and piratical habits of
the cuckoos. Well, these cuckooe were always
crossing the lake and trying to got chance To
lay their eggs in the sparrows nests, SO that
the industrious sparrows would have to 90 to
the trouble and expense of Matching and rear.
ing their young for them; but there was nro.
could not manage to get around. That is RI
say, there was family OF eagles living near
the sparrows, and, before the cuckoo could oct
in with her eggs she had to pay high duty,
her eggs. That sort of tariff had the effect of
persuadng the cuckoos to stay at home. Rnt
by and by certain of the sparrows grew discon
tented, and began to complain. They said.
"The tariff is too exorbitant, it hampers our
prosperity; what we need is tariff for revenue |
only; this wood is pleasant, but if we had a
Wood tariff it would be pleasanter, for then
cuckoos would come over and eggs would be
ever SO much cheaper and plentier than
they are now, eggs would be dirt cheap,
and we should all have just as many as
we wanted" This idea began to spread
around, and pretty soon more than |
half of the sparrows were enthusiastic over |
it. So they went into power at the next cleo |
ton, and the first thing they did was to 90 |
forth in their strength and disable the eaores
which removed the protective tariff Then
they passed their Wood tariff with great re-
jnicing. Straightway, sure enough, cuckoos
swarmed over from the other side of the lake,
focked past the eagles, d'smantled the custom
house, duty free, aud laid their eggs in the |
sparrows' nests. The prophecy had come trne.
there was abundance of eggs and a iprod,g |
ions prosperity; but things did not remain So |
bright. The sparrows found that thew had to
hatch out those eggs, heavy jobs bnt when If |
was done they had still heavier lob before |
them, for they had to feed the little cnckoos as
well las their own little birds. for a cuckoo |
never helps cuckoo, only furnishes eggs, that |
IS al. so the poor sparrows had to work |
double time, and yet all the real profit went to
the cuckoo tribe, for the little cnckoos were |
strong and voracious, and they gobbed nine. |
tenths of every bit that came into the nest. |
Wherefore they waxed stronger day by dav. |
while the starving little sparrows waxed |
weaker and weaker, and at last the natural re- |
suit came about. The powerful voung cuckoos. |
seeing they were boss of the situation kicked |
the young sparrows out ofythe nest AID took |
entire possession. 1t was about this time that |
the community OF sDarrows rose up as one bird |
and remarked, "We are but mortal: we are |
but spariows aud shall i've to do many unwise |
things yet, but the next time anybody hegules |
us with tariff for revenue only he will have |
to get up at a particularly early hour in the |
morning i