The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1880-09-04

A western journal heads an article: "A luna
tic escapes and marries widow" Escapes, eh'
We should say he got -Binghampton he
pnblicn.
A g,rl just returned to Hannibal Mo-, from q
Boston high school said, upon seeing fire en-
CINE work "Who would eva have dweamed
such very notwithstanding apawatus would
hold so much wattah!"
A correspondent writes from Monmouth, H.;
"Who is the handsOmcst editor in the United
StatesY' We really do not know, but you write
to Mrs. Burdet'e; she can tell you.-Br''"gton
HackeW.
A person is expected to he thankful because he
enjoys good health. Only q small boy can enjoy
bad health, and then IL must be bad enough To
keep him out OF schoOl.-N. o. P'cdyunc.
Why is II that whisky straight will make a
man walk crooked Boston Globe. Probably be-
cause you drink IL. Did you never think OF that
You leave the whisky in the jug, and 1t Will not
make you walk crooked.
A COW with seven arrows sticking in various
parts of her body was seen running at large near
West Chester the other day. It is supposed that
the West Chester Archery Club was practising at
target in the neighborhood.
When they told Secretary Thompson that four
new bars had been discovered off the Maine
coast, he shook the brny crystals from his salty
beard and said he always told Neal Dow that he
couldn't enforce that liquor law
At the Wentworth house. Newcastle, y. ii.
there is dish washing machine, which does the
work Of ten ordinary women, and is warranted
TO break no dishes.-N. Y. Erening Post Then
how in thunder does it do the work Of ten ordi-
nary women?
n the democrats can't be sure of a victory in
Ohio in October it is at least highly satisfactory
to them to witness the panicky condition Of the
republicans in that state.
j. r. Damit lives in Lorraine. He wants to get
the Legislature to change his name; he is a pious
man. and when Mrs. Damit in the gentle morn
ing hour yells over his slumbcring form, "Dam-
it, get up!' it sounds profane, ard shocks him.
Three little girls had great fun in neighbours
house at South Bend Ind, during the absence Of
the family. They first broke all the window
panes Then they poured several gallons of
milk on the parlor carpet. Finally, they emptied
six dozen cans Of raspberries and huckleberries
into tub, and dyed all the fire dresses they
could find in the juice.
We wish the Ottawa FREE TRADER would send
an advance copy OF each issue to Harpers Week
Ia. so that the Weekly could copy the FITS funny
ships Hsrper's has the deadest jokes, and the
r. r. the best, OF any paper that comes to our
shef.-Elgin Leader.
Thanks. While the FREE TRADER lays claim
to at least as much originality in its column of
ships as Harpers Weekly can boast, it claims in
addition to devote more care and hard work to it.
is a trhng job, try 1t on
He opened the door utiously, and poking his
head in in a suggestive sort OF way, as if there
was more to follow, inquired: as this the edi-
tOrial rinktumt' 1.-THE what, my friend"' as
this the Observation-Disclosures or some
such place where the editors livc?" "Ths is the
editorial room, yes sir. Come in" NO. guess
/ won't come in. wanted TO see what rink
tum was like, that's all. Looks like our garnet,
only wuss. Good day. ~ World.
1t was so common for Freeman to whip his
wife at Memphis that the neighbors paid little
attention to the bruises which she constantly
bore. She never complained Of them and was
seemingly resigned; but a few days ago a pistol
shot was heard In her house, and her husband
ded that I'd stood it long enough" she said,
land, Lordy sakes, wasn't he surprised when
hauled aut my pistol and popped at him"
The boy stood in the meon.patch,
When all but him had fed
And visions OF royal feast
Went dancing through his head.
But the farmer and the bulldog came,
And the boy, oh! where Is he?
Go ask the doctorman who patched
His sore an.ato-mee!
"Poor Richard" has given both chapter and verse
For living on slYpence day!
But the Tanner receipt is far better for purse
Air, water, and nothing to pay.
In the far West what may be termed the reli
gious traveller is occasionally met with-the pre-.
ambulsting parson or the migratory missionary.
"Where are you going" said young gentleman
TO an elderly one in white cravat whom he over
took few miles from Little Rock. ~ am going
to heaven, my son. have been on my way for
eighteen years" "Well, good bye, old fellow
IF you have been travelling towards heaven for
eighteen years and got no nearer than Arkansas,
will take another route"
AT THE PICNIC.
And one fair maid, the queen Of ALL
Hath on her brow frown;
She fears her pride will have a fall,
Her back hairs coming down.
-Erchange.
And one brave youth has sadder thoughts
Than ever yet were spoke
His mind Is full Of woe, because
His back suspender's broke
-Sdem Sunbeam.
And still another youth is here,
With frenzy In his eye.
Behold his yellow-seated pants!
Behold that custard pie!
- Ya,ccOb Strdus.
LITERATURE.
Magazines.
HARpERs MAGAZINE. QIarper 81 Bro, n.
y. S4 year, The September Hdrper's OPP
ems with 1.-THE American Graces," biographi-
cal sketch of the Miss Cations of Baltimore