Daily Republican., 1880-01-29
HUMOROUS.

/
enter his Office and walk boldly up
his magisterial desk. She led the nj
willing prisoner by means Of soal
about his neck, and ever and anon CAV
both scarf and neck an energetic JERK
Justice Davidson was informed by th
fair one, who spoke in most mellitiu
ously sweet tones, that the man ha
failed to put in an appearance on th
day fixed for their wedding. 81 wan
him to be fined for disappointing me,
she added, "and I've got notion I
sue him for breach Of promise" Tn
sheepish looking swain screwed hi
courage to the sticking point just then
and inquired whether it wouldn't b
better TO have wedding right there
The damsel consented and Justice Dav
idson smillingly married them.
Two oolored youths in Arkansas loved
the same girl. She accepted both, ant
prepared for the wedding day. Bott
suit0rs came, and each one thinking ht
was the bridegroom, warmly and mag
unanimously shook hands with his rival,
When the preacher was ready both
men stood up, and the puzzled parson
stopped. The rivals began to fight.
The BRIDES father said that if they
were going to fight, they had to fight
fairly. They adjourned TO the yard,
stripped TO the waist. chose their sec
onds, and "toed the scratch for bust.
ness" One was speedily victorious,
and while the bride was bathing the
beaten mans face with water, she said
she would marry the whipped one.
And she did. The other fellow tried
to prove that he was whipped, but
didn't.
4 strong minded Illinois mother in
law hated her s)n-in-law like smoke.
He lived on her husbands farm, and
did nothing, while she, her husband
and daughter did all the work. She
curtain-lectured that son, law, and
told him he was ogood, but lie, with
monumental gall, stayed idle and pa
trioticalIy sponged on his wife's rela-
tions. Soon his wife died and 80 did
her father. Then the mother-in-Iaw
told the young man to skip. He didn't
skip. But he told her he was going to
marry her other daughter, q widow in
the neighborhood. The mother in law
now grew excited, and declared that
she would not have him for tive sons-in.
law when he had nearly killed her as
one. She would marry him herself
first. And she bulldozsd that young
man till he married her.
A near-sighted friend went to an op-
tician the other day to change the
glasses OF his spectacles, which had be-
come too weak. He was given the next
"After this number what will II
take :" he asked.
"These."
"And after that 7"
"Thoss
"And then ?" asked the myope, with
All anxious air.
"Then," said the dealer, 81 II ink
small and sagacious dog, with string
attacked, will be about the thing"
Squire Quiverful, (who has large
family) to his eldest son: "These are
good cigars of yours, Fred. |
What did they cost your" Fred
Sixty shilling a hundred" Squire
luiverful Good heavens What
Do you know, sir, that
never pay more than three pence for
/ cigarH" Fred "And very good
price too!' BY George, Governor, if l
lad as many children to provide for as
Iou have | wouldn't smoke at ALL"
Two young folks were talking about
mistake in courtship, when Uncle Job
broke in with the declaration "thst
here was not any such thing, for"
aid he, "nobody ever makes any mis-
axes worth mentioning in courtship.
t's after the courtship's over and the
overs have been married that the
lurtful mistakes begin"
swell, Uncle" said one OF his nieces
what's the moral Of all tnatY"
"The moral" exclaimed Uncle Job.
Watts the moral ? Why suppose
be- moral is to keep on courting!"
Why is a handsome woman like 10
omotive? No-No-you're wrong. 1t
J not because she sometimes draws
Ong train; 1t is not because she indul-
es in sparks it is not because she
as something to do with switch; it
; not because she transports the males j
is not because she may have a head
ght; it-in fact, a handsome woman is
OF like a locomotive-nOt even when
be gets a little fast and blows up her =
Little Franky's mother was very pi. /
US, but she was an invalid and as his c
unite, who was also very pious, looked q
fter his religious instruction and lot d
o occasion pass to enforce some pre-
,pt. One day Frankly said: "Oh,
ear 4 wish had wings" This an.
.lical aspiration was regarded with
reat joy by the two sisters, and they
Igerly asked why he wished for wings.
OH" said Frankly, "I'd fly up into
le air and take aunt Susan with me
I'd when | couldn't go any higher I'd 9
t her drop" \
A very much inebriated fellow stands s
the edge Of the sidewalk and looks
at the crowd Of carriages.
ear him stand, an extremely venera- ,
3 and dignifled old gentleman, who,
ter looking on awhile, kindly takes =
10 young man by the arm and helps n
IN across the street. When he is safe
| the other side walk, he blurts out
ith tipsy gratitude: "Thank you.
40, l-,o,y ,r l. n, Il I, to h. J.,sl 81,