The Newtown bee., 1880-10-13
HUMOROUS.

Blood relations-War stories.
 A grate singer-The teakettle-
 The fat of the land-Petroleum.
 You can tell dogwood by its bark
 A grave error-Burying man alive
 A ioiner's bench-The hymenial altar.
 The Yonkers SiQteSntan calls falling downs.aiI- n extended trip.
 Any old bachelor will shriek for better half when 8 counterfeit fifty cent piece is showed on him.
 A Kansas paper ends marriage notice: "The couple left for the East on the night train where they will reside"
 When & Cincinnati man speaks of the productions of his pen, you never know whether he is Q literary feller or hog | raiser.-Bostofa IrdEscrtDt- Dogs lose all consciousness at l2,Ooo feet above the level of the sea, but 8 shotgun produces the same effect in one-[ifth the time.-Detron Free Press.
 The following sentiment was given at | q centennial celebration: The women in the Revolution they freely gave up their tea-now they shall not go with | out their toast.
 "Teach your boy to think for him. selfrn exclaims Bob Ingersoll. Don't
 YOU do it, bub. The minute you differ with the old man he'll bootjack you.- l Detroit Free Frees -------
 "Is your cough any easier9" said one
 of poor Hoods acquaiutances, on ca ihng
 to see how he was. 1t should be,
 said the wit. from his pillow we
 been practicing all night.
 Women have cheek enough to wear mems hats on their heads, but there Is one thing they do not do. Not one or them daTes remove their hats ln plolc
 and dust of the bald spot- s..s... Under the laws of Illinois what a per
 son sees through keyhole cannot be
 accepted as evidence in court. Bus no sewing society in the country would re- feet such testim auy.- Boston FoSt- A boy who won't take as big a bite ss he csn from another boys apple IS dis [ yu;sing his real feelings and should be
 narrovly watched, lest ne might make
 a sudden grab and run oil with the
 whole.
 A South Hill debating club is wrest- . lino with. Gan a community exist S without yomen?" We think il migh P exist for while, but then 1t wouldn' ] know what was going on.-BisTtt'agtoT 3 Yda05eye. .- An EualIsh servant girl w1o had re- z turned from the United States to vlsi, ! her home was told that she " looked t really aristocratie," to which she re
 sponded: "Yes; in America all oi u domestics belong to the hire class
 Porchaser-.sYou are fraud. sir !, When bought this horse from you yol
 assured me that he hadn' fault; why V, sir he's stone blind" Vendor-". ' know he is, but don't consider that /, fault: call thata misfortune. f-IoTOls' a Grip.
 ' m Why do you sigh, dearr" she tenderly said m As they sat in the glow ot a cheerful grat v fire, - ded his head ,n Toward eight Of their progeny, ready Tor ped And replied: Because, dear, I'm so muo le of a sire"
 n Two workmen were heard disputin about n new cemetery, near which the ' were standing. One of them, evidentl nf disiiking the fashion iu which 1t ws O .n laid out, said, in disgust: Ia ralhs 3n die than be buried in such place ed Well" said tbe other, I'll pc purie or anewhere else if I'm spared" eS The meanest woman on record is Il st. one who ran up to a lady friend on Il he street. and said: "Ot course you, he heard of the scandal in the churcl ed Awful. isn't it? Oh, here's my car to and then jumped into a horse-car ar ,y- was gone without explaining the scal n dal to the friend who didn't know aoo
 it-BoSton Post.
 One night we were sitting out m t 5e- moonlight, unusually silent, almost sa -en Suddenly some one-a poetic-lookl XII he man with gentle. lovely face said IT es. low tone: Did you ever think of t rst beautiful lesson the stars teach us the We gave a vague, appreciatlve mI nd mur, but some souless ciod said ng. what is it?" "Hov to wink" he a v a swered, with sad, sweet voice.