Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1880-07-18
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS.
BY ROBERT F. DoTY.

BY ROBERT +. DOTY.
Our American continent was first
made known by one Columbus, who,
having an idea that he could make liv-
ing by rowing over the wild, surging
ocean and picking up all fotsam that
was thrown overheard ships in order to
tighten their load in storms. Columbus,
or Columbia, as Spanish one-horse rail-
road conductor called him, conceived
the idea of making little tour out on
Goose island, place about three
leagues from shore. When this idea was
developed, he was severely rebuked by
his relatives, and most especially by his
uncle, Jim McPhooselpelter, who was
serving out three-years' term in Sing
Sing prison for stealing sheep. He got
such fogging from one of his uncle's
brothers that our youthful juvenile ever
remembered, as he had on pair Of thin
pants and it was very telling on his con-
stitution.
This unmerciful fiogging did not make
the subject of our sketch have an aver
sion to sailing by any means, but he
stuck to the idea till &c the last day in
the morning." as my old friend Shocks
used to say. Columbus was orphaned
sometime prior to the dying of himself.
At the death of his parents he felt so
elated over it that he and the two Smith
boys celebrated the occasion by torpe-
does and fre-cracks. After feasting on
the good things from the tables Of their
neighbors, he gradually turned himself
up, and, with self-possessed air, intro
duced himself to the King of England,
and asked him to fit him up half-dozen
of eight-by-ten hoat-boats. The naughty
King stamped his feet and sooffed at
him, and called him a silly blockhead
from the swamps. But Columbus, with
Indignation pictured on his face, swore
vengeance, and said, AGO it, old
Squeezer, you'll die Of melancholy after
this" Columbus was frustrated for sew
eral years. Illustration made him feel
blue. He spent his time in lounging
around old coffee-houses and other
places frequented by the lower classes
Of humanity in learning the latest slang
expressions of the day. 1t has been
said by that eminent poet, Horace Gree
ley, that he never would have been
known if he had not solved the problems
relative to the impossible. Generally
speaking, Columbus was considered
sharp and slow. Happening to enter
house where vegetables and ice-cream
were kept, he beheld a crowd of by
ISLANDERS trying to stand an egg upon
smooth-surface counter. Man after
man persistently attempted the trick,
but as many times failed. At last Mister
Clerk offered guinea to any one who
would perform this magical conjuration.
At this the subject Of our sketch walked
up, and, being out Of pocket money, Of
fered his services on the experiment.
Columbus took off his hat, green Cog
giles and wooden sandals, threw aside his
blow-pipe analysis and civil engineering
which he studied, rolled up his sleeves
and prepared for the job. "Now, gen.
tlemen," said Lum, see that I do it"
and with little overmildness gave his
arm little nerve force and crushingly
stood the egg upright on the plane. He
pocketed the guinea, and, with chin
erect and feeling fine, walked out, quot
ing all the while:
To be done or not to be done,
That is the question;
Whether it is nobler to suffer failure
In such an eggs-acting case
Remains to be told by the populace,
Who will some time look upon me
AS little less than village constable.
Some time after this Columbus got
leave from the Spanish Government to
make trip to Hogs Delight and the
Indies, as he thought. Isabella sent
Christie out sailing, sailing, sailing
He, onhis firstyoyage, set sail in three tug
boats. Suficeit tosayhegot out from land
and drifted wherever wind and waves