The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1880-05-15
VARIETY.

It something to be good, but it is ia finer to
be good for something.
An Irish doctor lately sent his bill to lady as
follows " To curing your husband till be died"
"No! Algenern, dear say that the boy shall
not be brought up on the bottle. Look at bis
grandpa's nose
A Michigan Congressman told friend that he
was filed With amazement, and the friend went
down to the bar and called for amazement.
Mr.. LAbouchere calls attention to the curious
fact that Napoleon l., Napoleon H., and the
Prince Imperial in succession wrote and LETT their
wills on British soil.
90 She frankly declared that the first time
coat-sIeeve encircled her waist she seemed to be
In q pavilion built Of rainbows, the window-sills
OF which were composed Of Rolian harps."
Al Oswego woman fell out of a lourth-story
window, the other day, and the first thing she
did after being brought to her senses was TO wish
she had on her new silk hose instead Of those
old cotton stOckIngs-
We know girl who will wrestle with a cro-
quet mallet IN the hot sun for hours and not
complain. But just ask her to hold on TO the
wooden end Of broom for few minutes and
she II have n ht.
An American paper states that at a railway
station n young man put his head out OF the car
riage window to kiss his girl goodbye, when the
train pulled out 80 rapidly that he kissed an
African woman at the next station.
Young man" says a quaint writer, &" if you
are TO be married, your future wife is living,
therefore pray for her" And while you are
about it, don't forget to pray for her future hus
band; he needs praying for as much as she
does"
How TO MEET A DOG.-A gentleman gives
the following advice in relation to dogs I" If -
says be, - you enter lot where there is a Vi
cious dog, be careful to remove your hat cap
as the animal approaches you, hold the same
down by your side, between yourself and the
dog. When you have done this you have Sc
cured perfect immunity from an attack: The
Such is my faith in this policy that will pay
all doctor bills from dog bites and funeral ex-
penses for deaths from hydroPhobia.
HIS PRAYER FOR HELP.-s' I'm a worthless lel- |
low judge - said George Thompson in the Fifty
seventh Street Court on Sunday. :" I've a fami- |
ly and do not support them. a toiling wife,
sir, who loves me too mnch to make a complaint
against me. Two little ones, who put their arms
around my neck and calls me Dear father |
drink and drink and cannot help il. beg OF |
you to send me where cannot taste liquor"
:" Do you want a month ?"
.. More than that, sir. Three-yes, six |
months year. Do make it for that long. She |
will try to get me 60, but keep me there. 1t is
my last hope"
His prayer was granted.
WoMAx's SrRATEGY-'' jack said pretty girl |
to her small brother the other day, :" want you |
to do something for me-that's good fellow"
What is it? 4" growled Jack, who is is the |
brother of the period.
Why, you know that wig and mustache you
used in the theatricals? 2?
{" Well? :"
" Well, won't you put them on and 60 to the
4 ill -
and Jack, want you to stare at me the whole
evening through your glasses"
What you want me to do that? -
Yes; and as we come out you must stand in
the door and try to slip me a note-and take
care that Gus sees you, too"
Well, declare +"
"a Because, you see, Jack, Gus likes me that /
know but then he Is awful slow, and he's we'll /
of. and lots Of other girls are after him, and
he's got to be hurried up little, as 1t were-'
A LOVING PAIR REsUKED-" Religion never was
designed TO mar our pleasures nervously Oh
served n clergyman, pausing in the sermon, Est
evening. a. but when the young man and woman
in the gallery get through feeding each other Bos
ton chips. we II go on
"a First class in philosophy stand up. Brown,
what's Iife?' - Life consists of money, house,
plenty Of wine and cigars, and fashionable
wife"
81 What is poyerty?D Reward of merit
v.bieb genius receives from discriminating pub
Iic."
81 What is reIigion? Going to church reg
ularly in good weather. and doing unto others as
you please, without allowing return Of the
What is fame2' a six line puff in a
newspaper
HALF SEAS OVER-Two sailors before the bar
in jefferson Market City Court Sunday morning. |
They were green and erestfallen.
ssWell, what is the matter " said the Court. /
Drunk, Yer Honor" replied the officer.
Drunk. eh ,"
Blin' Yer Honor
ssWho are they?"
a. A couple of sailors, Yer Honor
Where do you hail from, my man." said /
the Judge TO one
{" Am frae Classy JOOdge. A came wi the |
State o. Loosyanna," answered the fellow in a |
voice that seemed to have been squeezed out Of |
his throat by the tightly drawn folds Of the ten |
wards mufier which was wound about it.
And you ?" quoth the Court to the other.
90 We're chums. Am frae Classy tae, wi /
WuIIv but I'm no frae that shire. Am n cauty |
carl frse Dysart Dye ken whaur that is An |
thither side o. Leven2 p"
You were drunk last night"
A bit fresh Yer Wusship. A bit fresh.
"a Jest leettle Of aur course vol KEN"
When did you come from Glasgow"
The voyage ended yesterday morning.
"a How could the voyage have ended yesterday
morning when you were only half the seas over
-s~hk7 20 home -