Connecticut western news., 1880-09-15
WIT AND WISDOM.

ancient and decayed jokes, which the Chicago Times says he calls a circus.
 "MARY JANE, have you given the gold fish fresh water?" "No, ma'am. Whats the use; they haven't drank up what's in there yet"
 GUESSED are the piece-makers, "s said Barker, the other day, when he put his foot into tray of crockery that had been left outside his chamber door. WHAT need is there to worry and fret And vainly try more trouble to borrow, When we know that after the sun has set To-day will be yesterday tomorrow. A YoRKvInLE citizen states that he cured his daughter, just returned from Saratoga with bad attack of the Grecian bend, by pouring water on her and holding herout in the sun till she warped back rgain. EVERY now and then car falls off the New York elevated railroad into the street and hurts man. Some day one will fall off and crush dog, and then Mir. Bergh will take steps to have the whole elevated business pulled up by the roots.
 A MAN out West turned states evidence and swore he was member of gang of thieves. By and by they found the roll of actual members, and accused the man of swearing falsely. "Iwas mem- bel" said the man, "Iwas an honorable member p
 SPEcULAToRs will do we'll to paste this bit of philosophy as propounded by Josh Billings: "All that I kno about good or bad lux iz this-Our good lux we attribit to our shrewdness; our bad lux we charge over to someboddy's else ackount.
 "PRETTY wide cracks in this foor," remarked gentleman who had been looking at house, with thoughts of buying. "Yes," replied the real estate agent, "but, then, you will notice that they are quite far apart, sir-quite far apart"
 SENTIMENTAL young lady to the fiance selected for her by her mamma: "Ah, monsieur, how perfumed this summer air; how musical these heaven-soaring songsters of the wood! Do you like birds, monsieur?" "Yes, if not under done, and with bacon dressing"
 CAPTAIN Grote thinks, from the man. her shirts are made, that there ought to be an "inspector of sewers" A friend of his went to the expense of a new shirt the other day, and found himself, when he awoke ill the morning, crawling out between two of the shortest stitches.
 MRS. ELIZABETH STEWART PHELPS pays the price of her fame to over-curious ad- mirers. Walking on tie deserted beach the other day, and asked if she was not afraid of the terrific storm then raging, she replied: "No; prefer the voice of God to that of the summer boarder."
 "BUT, you know, pa" said the far mer's daughter, when he spoke to her about the addresses of his neighbours son, ts.you know pa, that ma wants me to marry man of culture" "So do l, my dear-so do I; and there's no better culture in the country than agriculture.
 A YOUNG lady, not accustomed to waltz ing, at the earnest solicitation of @ friend, made the attempt in the city recently. When the music ceased another friend approached and said gayly, "Well, I see you got through all right" "Yes,"- was the reply, but it was tight squeeze P
 UNro an Oxford professor, married late in life, child was born. That child has now advanced to the mature age of three years. GA charming little fellow" say all the professors friends. " Yes, yes" replies the learned man, deiectedly, "but fail to see in him the least lean- ing toward the exact sciences"
 JENNIE JUNE says that the flirting be- tween the young girls and young men on Broadway and Union Square, between three and six o'clock in the afternoon, may, from the freedom with which 1t is carried on in public, be without wicked ness, but that it is characterized by un- speakable vulgarity, which conveys Q very bad impression to outsiders.
 THE Central New York Farmers Club recently sent out invitations to- its annual picnic with its initials heading the card of invitation. 70. N. Y. F. 0. l" indig- nantly read an old fellow, "ef that ain't the blamedest way to spell knife. This comes of yer new-fangled spellin' re- form." And he immediately sat down and wrote wrathful letter to Professor North about it.
 A GEORGIA lyceum discussed the ques- tion, "Which is de most useful, paper or gunpowder ?" The debate was closed by disputant who spoke as follows: "Mr. President: S'pose dar was Q bar at de do, an you were to go and shake de paper at him, you'd see what de bar would do. But jess shoot cannon at him, and see what comes. calls forde question" The President forthwith de- clared in favor of powder.
 A YOUNG lady was speaking to friend who had called upon her regarding a trait characteristic of her mother, who always had good word to say to every one. "Why," she said, "I believe if Satan were under discussion mother would have good word to say for him. !" Just then the mother entered and was informed what the daughter had said, whereupon she quietly replied, "Well, my dear, think we mightimitate Satan's perseverance.
 THE worthy President of the Lime Kiln Club g1ves some advice to his con- stituents which may be of use to the