South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1880-05-07

In order TO encourage his young war.
riors, Sitting Bull has announced that
each one OF them may havc . wife for
every white person's scalp lie brings d.
Tha. beats all the booms yet invented.
WAKE MoxEY.-A good.iookiug Ir;sh.
man stopping at hotel 70 warm him.
self, inquired Of the landlord:
What is the newsf'
The landlord, disposed to run upon
him, replied:
They say the devil IL dead
An sure says Pat, that's news
indade.'
Shortly after, he went TO the bar, laid
down some coppers, and resumed his
seat. The landlord, always ready for .
customer, asked him what he would have.
Nothing at ALL said Pat.
Then why did you put down this
money!
AN sure. sir, it's the custom Ia my
own country, when . chap loses his dad
dy to give him few coppers 70 help
him pay for the wake
On Sunday the teacher OF Sunday
School class in one Of the East Bridge.
port churches gave the little ones de.
scriptiou Of the food. AMI. when she fin.
ished. inquired IL any one could tell ~ho
went into the ark with the animals?-
A perfect chorus Of hands few up.
Turning to little fellow. the teacher
said: Tell me who went into the ark
with the animalsf' ~. T. Barnum,'
promptly replied the youngster. The
lesson closed.
A Is )ston preacher sail: "The little
COOL any Of US can do must be done
with our hearts humping against the
hearts Of our fellow men," And every
young woman in church looked at every
other woman and smiled approvingly.
A school teacher recently electrified
her pupils who were annoying her with
questions: "Children, l am engaged"
Noticing the general look of astonish-
ment, she added: "But not to any fool OF
a man." and the excitement died away
"HATs OFF," An usher in o New
York church caused sensation one
Sunday evening recently. AS the pas.
tor entered the pulpit be was shocked
by sudden outburst of mirth in the
choir gallery. Two young persons
wearing ulsters and Derby hats, had
been shown to seats. The usher was
surprised when only one of them remov-
ell his hst, He waited some time for
the offending head covering TO be re-
moved, and then reached over the back
Of pew and removed 1t himself. I'm
mediately he discovered, as did many
other persons, that the wcarer was 3
young lady. and therefore entitled to
wear hat in church. Above the noise
of the ORGANISMS voluntary iose that of
the involuntary mirth Of many in the
congregation.
A young lady up town repels the do.
mes.ic sland ,r that she is Calculating"
For I'm always at par-to buy me some
thing.
The other day a dairyman called up
on Mr.. Kilshaw, the representative OF
the liquidators Of tho New Orleans
Savings Institution. and asked: what
are you paying now?' Twenty five
cents on tue dollar, but we expect to
pay 65 eventually replied Mr.. Kilshaw.
But are you sure you will at last he
able TO pay SOP persisted the dairyman.
There can be no doubt OF it. 'Ah.
then, l shall lose nothing How do
yon figure that out, my friendf' inquired
the puzzled financier. We'll. you see
sell my customers half and.half-half
milk and half water. Fifty cents on
the dollar covers the actual COST And
then that liquidator went home with
sense Of satisfaction and relief.
1t is customary for the father to give
the bride away at marriage, but it is the
real smart little boy brother that gives
her away TO dozen beaux before mar.
riage. So the girls say.
A WAsuINGToN correspondent OF the
Louisville Courier Journal gives the
story Of the man who had been promised
the first vacancy in the Post Office De-
partment. One day, while lazily saun-
tering near the river, he saw q dead
man dragged ashore. He looked at the
face and recognized clerk whom he
had known in the post office. He ran
all the way TO the department, rushed
into the presence of the Postmaster
General and demanded his appointment.
Il only promised you place when there
was vacancy said the Postmaster
General. There is one,' said the excit-
ed individual. i saw the dead body OF
John Jones dragged out Of the river
Slowly the Postmaster General enunci-
ated the following words; you are too
late. One hour ago the place was given
TO the man who saw John Jones when
ho fell into the river