Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1880-12-24
F. u n

u ~
THE MAN WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING.
Once in while the man who knows
everything comes to public grief. Such
was the case with a loud-mouthed individ-
ual who some years ago was travelling
through New Hampshire in a stage coach,
and was entertaining the passengers with
his views as to the inspiration of the Scrip
lures. He had doubts as to the creation,
did not believe in the miraculous passage
Of the Red Sea by the Israelites, and was
certain that the sun did not stand still
while Joshua fought. On the last point
he was particularly eloquent, and delivered
thrilling lecture on astronomy in general
and the revolution of the sun in partlcu-
lar, winding up by saying:
'sDarned if believe that old Joshua hes
itated about telling whopper when he
made his folks believe that be had pri-
vate bicker with the sum-
There was quiet old gentleman in the
corner of the stage who had listened to the
ranter with his eyes closed in apparent
slumber. But he was not asleep. The
gentleman was DR.. Carlton Chase, Episco-
pal Bishop of New Hampshire, and he had
been quietly taking the measure Of his
man. At this point he reused himself and
said:
ibid you ever read the further explana-
nation of this miracle given in thetwenty-
third chapter of the book of Zerubbabel?'
Eyes, have,' snapped the learned lee
turer, and it doesn't throw any light Oh
it either
A roar of laughter from the passengers
showed him that he had put his foot in it,
although he did not know; there was no
such book as Zerubbabel. and at the next
station the coach was relieved from the
presence Of the man who knew everythlngt
An inexperienced young bride being
asked by her cook to choose her dinners
during the honeymoon, was anxious that
her ignorance should not peep out. she
called into mind one dish, and one dish on
", and that she knew by name, it was
safe one, and substantial, too-a leg of
mutton. So for several days the mutton
came obedient to the mistress's order
Perhaps the cook was weary of it. At
last she ventured to inquire: "Should
YOU not like some other thing to-day,
ma'am?' .Yes, let us have leg of beef
for CHANGE
II would rather vote for long cared
donk, y than for you, said an independent
voter to Galveston candidate. so, CONT
now! you ought not to allow yourself to
be so Influenced by family ties, ;" responded
the candidate. The voter has been puz-
cling his head ever since to find out why
the crowd laughed Galveston NeaUs.
Alas! how far reaching is the evil infu-
ence of degraded stage! The example OF
the abbreviating Slote is seen even in our
school books. Picking up his sons arith-
metic the other day, Mr.. Redundancy
saw this: .'What is the &. c. d. of SIS and
$45? What is the l. C. m. of II TT. and 80
ftp" He dropped that book p. d. q.
A preacher in Syracuse recently told bis
congregation that if the women would all
dance by themselves in a ten-acre lot sur
rounded by high board fence, and the
men in another Enclosure of the same kind,
there would be no harm in dancing. Not
much fun, either.
A Quincy boy sat beside his girl for just
one hour last night, and during that time
kissed her ninety-six times out OF hum
dred. The other four-times she got in
hurry and kissed him.
There Are No Birds in Last Years
Nest is the title of a song. Probably
not. If we were equally sure that there
are no rats in last years rat-h0les, the pub
lie mind would become at rest.
One of Sir Coyle Rouche's invitations to
an Irish nobleman was rather eauivecal.
He writes: 81 hope. my lord, if you ever
come within mile of my house you will
stay there all night
A Western paper says: ga child was
run over by a wagon three years DID, and
crosseyed, with pantlets on, which never
spoke afterwards
An Iowa farmer says, I'VE raise four
hundred bushels Of potatoes to the acre
here, which would be big thing if we
didn' It raise insects enough to eat 'em all
up"
The only difference between pig max
ing elutton Of itself, and man making
a pig Of himself. is that the pig at some
future day will be cured.
Brigham Young has acquired the title
of general from having been called ''br;s-
gy. dearn SO often by his numerous wives.
A wise writer says: "Bustle is not in
dustry." Perhaps he will declare that
hoopskirt is not business.
The early bird catches the worm. La
ter in the day the leisurely sportsman
gathers in the bird.