Morris tribune. [volume] (Morris, Minn.) 1880-2000, 1880-09-23
SUNBEAMS.
'wel work-Assault and battery.

Hemmed into acorner-Initials on pocket
handkerchiefs.
Money is the mean mans conumdrum,
ana ne never gives it up.
The first "pop" of which there is any re-
cord was Adam. City Derrick.
The worst thing out is your last match on
a dark night. t.-AGrGthon Independent.
And now they say there is a "ring" in
door-bells.-Hartford Sunday Journal.
Singular there are no "Hans around" in
the German. Cincinnati Saturday Night.
There is one bone that even hungry dog
VII refuse to pick, and that is a trombone.
A wag got hold of an editors whisky bot
tie and labeled it, ITO be continued in our
necksn
1t was the colored man whose wife had
presented him with twins who gave up to
g dis pair"
The manufacturer of artificial diamonds
has solved the gem puzzle. ~ Cincinnati
Commercial.
No matter how many shoe buttoners a
woman may lose, she always hairpins to
have one.-Phaa Item.
1t looked like a butterhy-It had wings
He chased it. He caught it, and sure enough
it was but fiy.-Mer;den Recorder.
The Russian Fourth of July threatens to
last about all the year, if the Gar holds out
so long as that.-BurtingtOn Haaokeye.
Scientists now pretend that it was the jaw.
bone of lawyer that Samson slew the Phil
istines SO terribly with Greqor Neaos.
A Chinaman arrested for stealing a tidy
explained to the Judge that Time and
tidee waitee no nance Cfncinnati tSatsu'-
day Night.
A New England clockmaker has failed
for the ninth time. 1t is apparently neces-
sary to wind him up every twenty-four
hours.
A Dakota girl has married Chinaman.
He had some difficulty in explaining the
state Of his heart, but she finally got his cue.
Boston Transcript.
The ghost who entered Slimpkin's room,
the other night, and made away with his
watch and small change, must have opened
the door with skeleton key.-L0a0eU San.
When young Bluffkins quoted the good
book to the girl he was anxious to marry, that
it was not good for man to be alone, wasn't
it cruel in her to advise him to go home to
l. ~.
A New Jersey paper says that few men
were born to rule, and the way to discover
those who were is to present them with a
dog. If man has any "boss in him he
will show it out on dumb animal.
A man named Arthur Wrab stole pair OF
scales in Hoboken, recently, and after SELL
ing them he left for parts unknown. This
reminds one of Longfellow's line: "Wil
fold up their tents like A. Wrab, and silently
steal weigh"
No, John, brides don't wear trains OF
thought. ht.-EG. And for the benefit of John
we might suggest that grooms don't veal
coats of paint.-Mer1deao Recorder. But
they frequently do wear breeches of trust
ReOlt,tk Constitution.
A native of the Green Isle was pressed by
the collector for payment of the water rate
to which modest request he returned the fol
lowing answer "Sure, pay ten shillings
year for wather, and many's the day it'l
off for whole wake"
"What killed Cleopatra? )" asked the pro
fessor. "The bite hof hasp," said the boy
from Liverpool LAND p" exclaimed tht
boy from Vermont, "what if she had so
down on the staple ?" Prolonged and voci
ferrous silence.-Neritlen Recorder.
This happened in the far West, says al
exchange Schoolteacher, to stupid ant
fat boy" You are better fed than taught
or else 1 am mistaken" Stupid boy-"Yes
be, cause feeds myself, and you teach
me. ."-Nea0 York EGpTeSs.
A victim of domestic infelicity, who is il
the habit of dreaming, should never go tt
sleep in church. A congregation neal
Quincy was somewhat startled, last Sabbath
| when venerable member excitedly yelled
Here, now-drop that skillet, old wo
| man!
A fsherman's wife patiently waits for he
| husbands smack.-N. Y. Neus. And tn,
husband patiently waits for his smackerel.-
Rome Sentinel Oftener he waits for hi
schooner. ."-SGleno Sunbeam Then he get
"half seas over" over the bay" "splice
his main brace" and gets three sheets il
the wind. y Whitehall Times.
"Before give you an answer" said Ara
mantha to her lover, who had Just proposed
for her hand, 81 have secret to impart
"What is it, dearest" he asked, pressin,
his arm around her yielding waist Sh
blushed and stammered, MY teeth ar
false" ''No matter" he cried, heroically
"Pll marry you in spite of your teeth"
| A young pastor who has recently had
son born to him notifies brother paste
as follows: "Unto us a child is born
unto us o son is given-Is SO" 1t was writ
ten on postal card. The receive
showed the message to a sister in hi
church. "Ah, yes," said the woman, afte
reading tit weighed nine pounds, si
ounces"
1t was proposed to erect q monument i
the village square to the Father of his Coun
try, and old Squire Higgins was called upol
| for liberal donation. II can't give yo
anything this time" he said; ''bnt yo
may know that always carry Washington
in my heart" ''Well," answered the MAJ
with the subscription paper, " all can sa
is that you've got the Father of his Countr
in very tight spot"
A Cleveland lawyer, defending hand
some young lady charged with larceny
closed his appeal to the jury thus: "Gen
tlemenl you may hang the ocean ON grape
vine to dry, lasso an avalanche, pin nap
kin to the mouth of a volcano, skim til
clouds from the sky with a teaspoon, thro,
salt on the tail of our noble American eagle
whose sleepless eye watches over the wclfar
of our nation, paste For Rent on th
moon and star; but never for u momer
delude yourself with the idea that thi
charming girl is guilty of the charge pr,
ferred against her. The jury acquitted he
without leaving their seats.
On CRY DesTicE: The ministe
topped at house on the South Sid
last week, and sought to improve th
time by giving an 8-year-old boy an il
,luctive lesson in morality. My boy,
said the minister, CT have lived
| senrs and have never used tobacco