The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1880-12-14

mistress, she said, "J0hn, what did
you say to the lady ?" 81 told her that
you were not at home." "Well, John,
l hope you did not laugh. "Oh, no,
ma'am," said John, 81 never laugh
when l tell lie.''
They were walking arm IN arm ap
the street, and just ahead Of them was
woman In splendid dress. The set.
ting sun was gliding the western
heavens and throwing a beautiful
said, III a subdued tone, "Isn't it
lovely ?" "Well, / don't KNOW" was
the reply of his fair companion; "I
don't think tho trimming matches very
we'll, and 1t doesn't tit her Bit" He
shuddered.
"PA, are you in favor Of the Bible In
public schools ?" asked a youngster, ,at
the breakfast table. "Why, of course
am," responded the father. "What
makes you ask such a question. my
son ?" ooh! only thought maybe
you wasn't, as you never read it at
homo" The urchin lodged, but he
wasn't quick enough. 8.
A POP, In the country, met All ugly
stoer In narrow lane, and called out
to farmer in an adjacent field, "See
here, Mister, is this your animal ?"
EYES," answered the farmer. "Well,
he won't leu mo pass" 'Suppose you
let him pass, thenP'' "There isn't
room." "Well, then, perhaps he'll
toss up aoith you for it.'' The fop climb
AN exchange says: "Pennsylva MA
Ouch girls make good preserves" but
it doesn't say how much sugar you
take to pound Of Dutch girl, nor how
long you let 'em boil. The recipe for
preserving Dutch girls shoulI b6 pub
lished.
"THKsE timber thieves must be
checked IN their outragcs?" exclaimed
a member Of Congress. eyes," "mur-
INJURED number Of the lobby, cor who
knows how soon they may pounce
down here and carry ctfa lot of wool
en-headed congressman"
A BoYIsH movie In smoking turned
deadly pale and threw away his cigar.
Said he: s'Thar's sumthin' In that air
cigar that's made me sick" 81 know
what 1t is," said his companion, pull
ing away: "What?' "robucker."
A FEW years since, ut the celebration
of our national anniversary, u poor
pedler who was present, being called
upon for toast, offered tho following:
"llere Is health to poverty; it sticks 10
man when all his friends forsake
him."
LATELY gentleman sat down to
write Il deed, and began with "Know
one woman, by these presents" you
are wrong,' SAID a bystander, "lt oug gilt
to be "know all mcM." Very WE'LL"
answered the other, eff one WON an
knows it, all men will Of course"
AN Illinois chap, In describing
gale OF wind, says: "A white dog,
while attempting to weather the gale,
was caught with his mo nth open, and
turned completely inside out"
"1'M q census-taker," said he smil-
Ing in the doorway call right, but
you mustn't incensus," said the man Of
the house, and he was Immediately ar
rested and fined 800, according to law.
"SIr down - said nervous old gen.
much noise. 81 won't do it," was the
impudcnt answer. "Well, then, stand
up. will be obeyedr' ~
"The trouble is,' says Calino, the
mythical French innocont TO VINO. Al all
platitudes are now credited, THAT to
be celebrated one II ust be known"
~
JOHN Is. COUGH complains Of liquor
drinking on railway trains. here is
a "snash" there pretty often, to say
nothing OF the conductors punch.
A WESTERN editor says one hug is
worth dozen love letters, and they
cannot bo produced as evidence in a
breach of promise suit, either.
YOUNG housewife: "What miser-
able little eggs again! You really
must tell them, Jane, to let the hon set
on them little longer.'
A STRONG argument In favor Of short
skitts Is that they give plain girls
chance. What nature has denied the
face, she often gives to the under
standing.
DoCToR-"You must drink claret to
build up your SYSTEM" Patient-"Oh,
don t ask me to do that, doctor. am
a wine merchant; l know how it's
made.''
PERs >Ns who wear wigs are unsafe
In Mis- ouri. A tornado is liable TO
como along at any moment and leave
them baldhcaued.
LADovOHERE says that there is little
difference between the crossing sweep
CT who wants penny and politician
who wants a place.
AN Omaha bride was married bare
foot because her husbands family went
that way and she didn't want to seem
proud.
The fire. place Is n CRATE thing but an
old oyster-can punched full of fine
holes is q CRATER.
THAT woman who neglects hor hus-
bands shirt front Is no longer the
wife Of his bosom.
HINT to politicians: Millcrs make
poor party men. They are generally