The Dallas daily herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1873-1887, 1880-04-13
BRYAN.



BRYAN, April 49, 1880.
District Court adjourned for the term on
Saturday. In the year GA, when the
HERALD was published in Egypt, because of
the immense quantities of corn, and where
the proprietors had greater facilities fer
quonChiIif their thirst and could frequently
say to each other, "lot's have pyramid in
accordance with the social parlnnco of the
times, man named Israel came into the Of
fee one day with a lot Of ten cent domestic,
and asked to have II gorgeous circus poster
printed upon the same for his son Joseph,
who was addicted to dreaming, and who
thought if he had u coat got up in this style
and wore it TO bed, his dreams would be
more highly colored. beg pardon; have
got this thing mixed. l am writing a work
on ancient history, and have got hold of the
wrong Joe. | intended to write of
one Joseph Martin, who for more
than u year past daily dis
pensed beef steak, mutton chops swines
feet, and mystery in skins, called sausage, ut
our city market, and got hold Of my histor-
ical manuscript, and exposed a portion Of its
teeming richness yet hidden in the womb of
time and other seaports. 1t is copyrighted,
however, and no criticisms are allowable on
advan 20 sheets. But to Joseph, which signi
iies increase or addition, when not abbrevia-
ted to the two first letters. Joseph, surnamed
Martin, utterly disregardful of the commands
of Moses about swine flesh, secured unto him
self forty dollars worth Of these unclean ami
mails that divide the hoof, and be cloven-
footed yet cheweth not the cud, for which he
gave no equivalent. What else Joseph did
in this line is not known, and it is rumored
that Joseph took advantage Of its being leap
year and skipped out between the suns. No
more is Josoph's rudy face seen ut 3 a. m.
1t WIS not meet for Joseph to act IN this man
ner, for the market is now closed and rdeat
has be unattainable for week pat.
Little dogs now run gleetully about
with tails erect, as though they had conso-
lation of not having the starch taken out of
them. The majority of the male popuIa-
ton are indignant ut the manner in which
Joseph has acted, as the market being closed
gives them no excuse to get up early---and
visit the diile rent saloons to see which bell
punch has gained most on its register since
The day previous. Under these circum-
stances the situation is really distressing. In
the light of public benefactor would
make suggestion. Sleep next to the win
dow, and have it raised, and swear your wife
kicked the bed-cothes OF in the night. The
next morning 90 around and cough till you
get red in the face. Then have a friend to
Step in and conGdentially suggest TO your
wife that your case is getting serious and the
best thing she can do Is to force you to take
some rock and rye. She will naturally fall
into sympathy with your friends suggestion,
because ofyour wretched condition, and then
A. L., olnn- md II will actpnigh
even yourself to see how rapidly your
cough will improve l know how
It's myself. Pve been all along there
John Arnold was not considered one-horse
tailor, but he was one-legged tailor, and
could get as gloriously drunk on his one leg
n. most men could with two, and stand his |
ground. John, however, sat down one day |
and commenced to Shermanize. He conclu- |
ded he would get up an Arnold financial
boom. Although now widower, he had |
once been Benedict Yet strange TO say, |
he had no revolutionary longings to claim |
kin with Benedict Arnold, a celebrated CEN
tury ple that hourished when this great
RepubRgAyas in the teething business and |
using Washington soothing syrup. In |
order to make the boom successful John had |
to )ber up and put on the appearance of a
HAYES civil reform, which everybody knows |
is appearance only. John soon gained |
friends and borrowed money freely of them. |
In fact he had difficulty to refuse accepting |
loans. for fear of giving oifense. Following |
in the footsteps of his illustrious predecessor,
John, like Benedict, went back on his friends |
for money, but it was worth more than those
Continental d-s that Benedict received |
Those friends who rendered John loans
would now feel lonely if there were
not SO many of them. John,
hearing there would shortly be rise in
whisky took in tank full to soothe his dis
tressed feelings in regard to the news, then
skipped the town, without permitting ms |
friends to tender him farewell benefit. 1t
don't do to mention anything about tailor's |
goose in the presence Of the members OF this
mutual loan society, as they take it as per-
sonal aluson.-A gentleman whose COM
plexion was as refreshing as the end man to
a minstrel troupe, drove in town Saturday |
with n load of bones, some of which were in |
bulk. as though the stock had deserted them
in order to speculate on the hide. They had
not been abandoned sufficient length OF
time for the atmosphere to bleach them, con-
reouentlv there was considerable highly sea-
soned meat upon :hem. As the driver placed |
his load on the scales to be weighed, the |
,vei,,hsr remarked to him: eve are buying !
bones this year, don't think we shall need |
apy dried beef before next year. l immedl' |
atcly boned the wegher about the remark,
and he said it was original, it was none oil
the Jokes you Reid about.