The Superior times. [volume] (Superior, Wis.) 1870-1912, 1880-01-17
FUNNYGRAPHS.


it whey and still keep it.
SCHURz plays the piano nicely. He
also plays the Cabinet organ.
WHY shouldn't bald-headed bachelors
be in favor of the Turkish hair emf
EVERY living boy has an aching de-
sire to touch his tongue to frosty lamp
post, just to see if it will.
STRAWBERRIES can't be sold at any
price in Memphis. There are no berries
there to sell.
STRANGE, but true. A word in sea-
son is scarcely ever spoken by q man in
q peppery frame of mind.
A CELEBRATED Chinese engineer has
invented a new style of engine. We
presume it must go.-Chicago Tribune.
AN exchange says: Ono man ever
saw an alligator twenty feet long" 1t
depends, however, on the quantity and
quality of his whisky.
TAILOR Ito stout customer y" Have
kindness to put your finger on this bit
of tape, sir-just here! I'll be round in
minutel"
AN Ohio man met weeping woman
and kissed her tears away. The Jury
found verdict of SO 800 for the plaintiff.
1t is far better to let her squall.
ANACREoN was killed by grspe-seed.
There may be many men nowadays who
have gotten away with the seed, but the
juice has floored them.
| In the Boston newspaper offices, when
| the times are dull, the editors amuse
themselves by stringing coCkroaches on
clothes-lines.-Bufdi0 Express.
MIX together all the food on an Amer
lean dinner table, add vinegar and horse
radish, stir with an old iron spoon, and
the result would be one favorite dish for
Russian.
Chow far is it to Butler, if l keep
straight on2" Well, if you goin' to
keep straight or, it's about twenty-five
thousand miles, but if you turn round
t'other way it's about half milel"
TIE man who turned off the gas on a
citizens meeting in Dubuque was never
found, but the janitor picked up
twenty seven battered hats and eight
pairs of spectacles in the morning.
A SIGN which reads, " Positively no
! admittance," will stop tramp Just
about as long as bullet made of butter.
Money can be saved by cutting off the
positively"
TIE other day some inmates of the
Soldiers Home, at Bath, while they
were intoxicated, sawed off the leg of
companion, who was dead drunk. The
victim of the inhuman deed was obliged
to visit carpenters shop for repairs.
AT a social reunion few evenings
ago the question was asked, "Of what
sort of fruit do quarrelsome man and
wife remind your" The young lady
who promptly answered "a prickly
| pear" got the N edal.
DID you ever notice that if you go
| into an Office where the man is on the
street talking politics all the time he
isn't in bed, you will always see framed
! chrome motto hanging power the desk,
"Time is money ?"-Burdette.
The editor of the Bolton North Geor-
gian went out collecting one day last
week. When he returned his spoils
were summed up as follows: Three
dollars, some butter, a cabbage, some
peanuts and some soap.
A WESTERN editor wants the follow
ing: a substitute for the word boom, 8
man who is stingy with his advice, q
charity fair where young men are not
solicited to buy things, and man who
can borrow pencil without putting it
in his pocket after he has done using it.
A POETEss says: 81 fling my past
behind me like robe" That is right.
Always wear the past as you do your
pannier-bebind. And always fling the
future before you; and if an orator at 8
woman's right convention asks you to
" look back into the future" don't you
do it.-N2rristown Herald.
A MOTHER was trying to break her
fve-year-oId boy of the habit of lying
by telling him that all liars went to hell.
She gave him moving account of the
terrors Of the place, whereupon he ex-
claimed, Why, mother, | couldn't
stand it," "But you would be made to
stand it." ooh, well, said the young
ster, eff could stan it wouldn't care"
A CoLoRED Methodist preacher at
Madison, Ga, lately fell into a well on
Saturday night and remained there I'M
assisted until the next Thursday.
Though thoroughly soaked and pretty
well chilled, he was not seriously injured.
The heartless local newspaper intimates
that the well saved somebody's turkey
rOost.
WHEN an Iowa editor sits down to
write an editorial on the revival of pros
perity and during the next fifteen min
utes learns that the devil has pied a case,
the press broke a shaft, man who owes
! for sixteen years subscription has failed,
and the foreman has come in drunk, that
editorial appears, headed "The Gloomy
| Outlook" and vet the country at large
has taken no great stride backward.
NO." exclaimed Mr.. Penhecker.
Ono, madam, object most decidedly.
Once and for all l say 1.-THE girls shall
not be taught foreign languages" "And
why not, pray?' said Mrs. P, with
whitening sarcasm. Because" said
Mr.. P, with more whitening sircasm,
because, Mrs. P, one tongue is enough
for any woman!' Mrs Pc checker re-
sponded not-Judg.
The night is pitch-dark and the com,
partment in the car is crowded a.. an
honest peasant would like TO take I''io
nap, but his huge three c0rnered hSt 10
in the way and he docs not know WlaI
to do with it. "Here, put It ID tne
cupboard, my good man." says a com
mercial traveller, opening the WINDOW
! The drowsy peasant complies, muthiui u
| ing his thanks, and expressing ms ms
| ignorance Of the way of the rail, ana Iaiis
into a sweet sleep, during which inc
commercial traveller gets into sn0theI