The Worthington advance., 1880-09-09

~~T~Ay SRAAA0A<AA4s4A4s
THR piano first made its appearance
as musical instrument about the mid.
die Of the eighteenth century.
WHY have chickens no hereafter ?
Because they have their necks twirled
(next worldly in this.
WHY is it easy to enter an old mans
habitation Because his gait Is broken
and his locks are few.
HAVING asked his girl for q kiss a. .
tonic, she replied that there was such
thing as being too tonic.
I" You'RR a man after my own heart"
as the blushing maiden confessed when
her lover proposed marriage.
THE trouble with too many in this
world is that they want reserved seats
everywhere except in the family circle.
WHY is the strap Of an omnibus like
mans conscience Because it is an in.
ward check on the outward man.
a KISS, !" sad Charles, sis = noun, we allow;
But tel me, dear, 10 It proper or common7"
Lovely Mary bsushed deep, aud exclaimed, "why,
1thisi ih.s t,.. I. both proper md common"
WARS the best definition Of quill
Something taken from the pinions Of
one goose to spread the 'pinions of an-
other.
WIZ is the money you are in the
habit of giving to the poor like new.
!ly-born babe? Because it's precious
little.
HYaiEN is always represented as bear.
ing torch. This 81 mbolized the tortu.
<>$ ,o%
smooth.
"SHE never told her love''-because
the young man, anticipating something
OF the kind, hasn't called to sec her since
leap year opened.
WHEN fond parent sees boy walk
through a gateway, instead Of climbing
the fence, he is worried for fear the lad
isn't quite himself.
ARTEMus WARD once began lecture
by saying: Ladies end gentlemen, /
possess gigantic intellect, but I haven't
A LAZY boy was complaining that his
bed was too short, when his father stern
ly replied, "That is because you are al
ways too long in It, SIR"
Aa6 HAOtAACSO1 " 44Ou4StA40 DOQ0
factory announces that persons leaving
their bones with him can have them
ground at short notice.
NoEH1Na will please girl so much as
the information that rival, who is try
ing to rob her Of her best fellow, has
got q pimple coming on her nose.
A NEw JERSEY colored man, whose
wife had left, said "She would come
back if I frowed her some sugar, but
I amt frowing no sugar, do you heah?"
If IN unemrloyed man can find moth
ing else to do, he can always find situ-
alton as head waiter by going into q
crowded barber shop to get his hair cut.
"Do EAGLES give milk, mother 2
asked the boy. "No, my son what
made you think so?' "Becauss I've
heard OF the eagles scleam."
MOTHER Every sveetly) to her chill.
drcn, who have just had O distribution
Of oandy-"What DO children say when
they get candy?" Chorus-"M More!"
MISS JENNIE HONOR, of Pittsfeld
Mass, has been left SIC. 900 by the will
of a deceased uncle in New York. It
seems that sometimes an Honor is not
without profit in her own country.
WHEN woman requests her husband
to bring home dozen OF more needy
trifles, and he returns without them. she
realizes that in domestic life as well as
in politics instructions do not instruct.
The Cincinnati papers are making a
great ado over the discovery Of mica
bed. Mrs. Malony sends us word that
she discovers Mike abel every morn
ing when the boyd ought to be up, split
ting wood.
A COUNTRY editor being asked, "Do
hogs pay ?" says q great many do not.
They take the paper several years, and
then have the Postmaster send it back,
Refused"
DoN'T despise woman because she
can't drive nails or hang pictures if you
want to discover your own weak points,
just catTy 6x4 mattress down narrow,
winding stairs.
A sTRo11Na theatrical company was
at the dinner-table. A waiter ap-
preached one Of the members, and said :
,'Soup?" "No, SIR" replied the guest,
II am one Of the musicians?'
An unsuccessful vocalist went to the
poor-house and delighted the inmates
with his singing. He said it was a nat
ural thing for him to do, as he had been
singing to poor houses ever since he be-
gan his career.
BLISTER, whose wife was i'll, was sur
prised by one Of his friends writing let
ters of Invitation to funeral. "Then
she is dead?" said the friend "No,
she Is even q little better. But you
know when one il hurried at the last
moment they do nothing WE'LL"
A CHARMING widow owns q nice boy,
and q man wants to be appointed deputy
father to the lad. It Is only last Sun
day that, while the man was strolGng
with the lad he asked: "B1b, doee
your mother bang her hair?" and the
TOOL answered.: "Oh, no; but you
ought to see her bang dads head. Guess
the minister didn't know everything
when he told pap to prepare to die. Pre-
pare, why he was just aching 10 de-"
BRANDY CH1RR1Ea Choose fine, firm
fruit, wash, pick the stems of, stick the
cherries in two OF three places with q
needle; pour over them sizup made
by boiling pound Of sugar Ito every
pound Of cherries) in gill Of water
add pint Of brandy for every fou1
pounds Of sugar; pour the sirup hot
over the cherries /; cork and tie up care
fully when cold. They will be 6t to eel
in week, and vii keep for an inde6n