The Worthington advance., 1880-09-09
ALI. SORTS.

ALL SORTS.
b H1aHwAG1Hs-Elevated railway COM
paniea.
To CLEAN IvoR1.-Salts of lemon will
remove stains from tho ivory handles Of
knives.
A FAMILIAR instance of color.blindnees
ia that Of man taking brown silk um-
brclla and leaving green gingham in
its place.
Ar q recent railroad festival the fol.
lowing striking sentiment was given
"Our mothers-the only faithful tenders
who never misplace q switch"
In some parts Of Kansas farmers have
sown fax and spring wheat in the
same field. The profit il said to bs
greater than when either crop is sovn
alone.
One swallow makes no summer; but
one day with the thermometer 80 deg.
in the shade exercises more influence in
that direction than q square acre Of
swallows.
TIE little bit of q baby has his bur-
dens-all the good-looking girls kissing
him. He kicks aguinst It now, but in
after years let him do his own an.
ticipating.
That was clever remark of young
Spilkins (who was embracing his sweet
hearty when he said he liked that posi-.
ton better than the one he held on the
railroad.
IF farmer commences with one COW.
and every other calf she has is heifer'
in ten years the COW and her offsprinr
will drop forty-one calves. This shows
the rapidity with which farm can be
stocked.
A LADY engaged to be married, and
getting sick of her bargain, applied to
friend to help her unite the knot, before
it was too late. "Oh, certainly" she
replied, sit is very easy to unite it now
while it is only beau knot"
SOME one, who knows all about it, says
that, "to ride velocipede successfully
young man should see that his hair Is
carefully parted in tho middle, having
no more one side than on the other, in
the way of balance"
SIX medical experts examined a man
as to his sanity and were everly di.
vided. After they had wrangled about
it for week it was discovered that they
had examined the wrong person alto
gether.
THERE is no indignation more terrible
than that Of an elderly man in horse
car offered seat by sympathizing lady,
when he snorts, Kup your seat, nom
they hain't a stronger man in this car'n
mel"
"WHEN you order new covering for
your parasol, Of particular color, you
should always give the shade, my dear, :"
said q lady to her daughter, who ex-
claimed, "Give the shade, mamma
Why, the parasol will do thatr'
SAD crafty husband to his business
partner, II have promised my wife an
immense surprise for her birthday" I"
"More extravaganza II shall give
her nothing, it will be an immense sur
prise"
A LITTLE boy was walking with his
mamma, and there fell from above his
head an avalanche of SCOT blown by the
wind from q neighboring chimney.
"Helloa r cried he, quite astonished,
"some nigger snow r.
The Danbury Nevs, in long article,
tells How Hat is Made" The sim
plest, cheapest and quickest way to make
| hat is to bet on the winning candi-
date at the election. n.-NorristoWn Her.
0ld.
No. BuDERBACK laid down his paper
and gazed thoughtfully into vacancy.
"From the frequency of glowing and
highly eulogistic obituary notices." the
old man said, II Judge there is an un-
precedented mortality among the mean
men just now"
A scHoe1BoY spelled decimal and
pronounced it dismal. "What do you
mean by calling that dismal2 exclaimed
the teacher. "'Cause it u.s." answered
the boy. "It's dismal fractions. All
fractions are dismal. There isn't = bit
Of fun in any of 'em."
AN old bachelor was courting a widow,
and both had sought the aid of art to
give to their fading hair darker shade.
"That's going to be an afectionate
couple" said q wag. "How p" asked
a friend. "Why, don't you see they
are dyeing for each other already?"
WAR! war! war upon weeds! The
farmers success is the reward of con-
slant vigilance. The fertile soil of the
West, while yielding immense crops Of
grain, yields weeds in the same proper
ton. But, taken in time, on our mellow
soil, the weeds are easily destroyed.
Exchange.
THE farmer feeds the bleating uu,
The sailor sails tho oc,
The gardener p ants the p p, he does
The printer takes his q 9.
The sinner wipes hts weepingii,
Tho farmer swarms his b,
The printer daily eets his m "a, (.
Tho teamster yells h1s G.
The lawyer gathers In hisvv,
When he has tried bis kk;
The shet1n's ever On ths 9 6,
The gambler risks his T.
"MY son. said an illicit distiller'
remember that it is the early bird that
catches the worm.' "Perhaps so,
father, replied the slothful young man
-"perhaps so, in some localities, but
around here it strikes me that it is the
early revenue officer who catches the
worm"
The most original of advertisements
appeared lately in the Newark papers.
Il was put in BY q woman who notified
her absent husband that # he did not
return within three days she would
marry another fellow. She is from Po-
land, is this determined woman, and it
would seem that she is following ma
tional custom.
A LITTLE boy, 4 years old, having Of
ten been told it was wrong to ask for
anything at table, was down at dessert.
After patiently waiting for some time
without being noticed, he exclaimed,
{" Mamma, please, may have an orange,
if I don't ask for it?" Eyes, DEAR"
was the reply. But, after considerable
interval, the little fellow, not getting
his orange, again addressed his mother
with, Please, mamma, I'm not asking
tor an orange" This time he was duly
rewarded.
A0eAlnisceaceo 1l05A.
In 1874, DR.. Jacob Meyer, Saint Louis,
Mich eraxo fhx Eolla...: ... a.l.:a.. H.