Daily Republican., 1880-02-19
HUMOROUS.

"Yes, Sir, have been IN the business
FIVE years."
"Well, you're just the man for me-
want first class collector-some fell
low who will glide round pretty rapid
ly and not get drunk"
al never drink and as for gliding,
around, Pm just the boss"
"Well, then, you may start right
of. I'm q prominent man. pm known
all over. Now, you are to make col
lection for me. Say Pm dangerously
sick and haven't money to buy medi-
cine. You can raise 500 inside of 2
hours, and I'll give you five of it for
your trouble"
The man glided out.
A JoKE ON THE OLD MAS.-There we're
two men fighting In front Of the store
to-day, said northend man at the sup
per table, "and l tell You 1t looked
pretty hard fer one of them. The big
gest one grabbed cart-staks and drew
1t back. thought sure he was going
TO kno,k the others brains out, and !
jumped in between both Of the fighting
men,"
The family had listened with wrapt
attention, and as his head paused in
his narrative, the young heir, whose
respect for his fathers bravery, was
immeasurabls proudly remarked
"He couldn't knock any brains ont
~ ,,n, onnlJ ba fa+har9iJ
The head Of the family gazed long
and earnestly at the heir, but as the
yonth continued to MUNICH his fourth
tart he gasped and resumed his supper.
The Bangor Comllercial" says -
The stupid-st man In the State is q
farmland near Lebahcn. He was hired
to plow ten-acrs field, and his boss
wishing him to draw straight furrow,
directed his attention to COW grazing
right opposite, telling him to drive d.
rectly towards that COW. He started
his horses, and the farmers attention
was drawn to something else. In q
short time he looked around to see
what the hired man was doing. The
COW had left her place and was walking
around in the field, and the hired man
following her, drawing zigzag furrow
all over the field.
A congregation, anxious to get rid Of
their pastor, were considerably per-
picked how to DO it without hurting
his feelings. After considerable trouble
they concluded to Inform him they
were obliged to reduce his salary. A
delegate was appointed to wait on and
notify him of this fact. Brother"
was the reply, ~ have been with you
in prosperity, and will never desert
yon in ad 7ersity. IN. Y. Express.
Joaquin Miller was at Barnum's He
tel, Baltimore, q few weeks ago. He
wrote to friend Ia New Jersey, and
ended the letter "coine and see me
whenever you can; am at Barnnm's."
Ths friend who does not appear to have
been familiar with Baltimore, answer
ed. 81 am sorry to hear you are ex-
yourself. lfyou had stuck TO
literature you would have made your
mark and fortune. Whereabouts is the
show now 7"
A railroad clerk in a Southern depot,
who had been annoyed beyond eudu-
rance by inquiries as to ''wheiher that
was right time" placed the following
placard under the clock: "This is a
clock--it is running-it is Cincinnati
time-it is right--lt is set every day at
10 o'clock-now keep your mouth
shut"
"Have you Brown Eyssi' inquired
a charming brunette, as she raised her
soft and melting eyes to a clerk whose
optics are of the particular color de-
scri bed, in music store. He blushed
modestly and replied. 'Yes, miss, you
know have; but of what possible in.
terest can that be to your" "lt's the
music | want" she softly responded.
."Neriden Recorder
Some one has figured sp that when 8
man says his wife is worth her weight
in gold, and shs weighs 100 pounds,
she is worth just $4,000. A fat wife,
$50 pounds, would be worth
$50, 900 according to this calculation;
but l2O pounds OF wife is worth more
10 man unless he intends to exhibit
her in side.show to circus.
The North Carolina papers tell of a
man in Mecklenburg County, who light
I'd a fire in his house when he was mar
fied thirty six years ago, and has kept
i burning ever since. 1t may be so;
VI ere is nothing wonderful about it,
but we should think it would soon be.
gin to tell on his nerves and show on
his rose.-[ Hawkeye.
A young lady who had been carried |
4 little over year, wrote 10 her matter
1t-iact old father, saying: "We have the
dearest little cottage in the world, orua-
mented with the most charming little
3reeper5 you ever saw" The old man
read the letter and exclaimed, "Twipsp
"Dii any of you ever sac an ele-
plants skim" asked the master of an
infant school in fast neigaborhood.
Il haVe!" shouted six year old at tho
foot OF tae class. "Where?" inquired
Did spectacle5, amused by his earnest.
ness. "On the elsphantl" was the
reply.
A certain English General, being on
the point of death, opened his eyes, aud
seeing consultation Of four ply sicians,
who were standing by his bedside,
family exclaimed: "Gentlemen, if you
fire by platoons it's all over with mel"
and instantly expired.
"Csptain," said cheeky youth, "is
there any danger of disturbing the mag
netic currents if | examine that COM
pass too closely" And the stern
loving his little Joke, prompt- |