The river press. [volume] (Fort Benton, Mont.) 1880-current, 1880-12-22

4C . AIlfCs Y @I1S3A "
piteous appeal the physician met by suggest
ing the application Of a galvanic shock, and
offering to apply the apparatus. ooh, no, no.
exclaimed the grief-stricken widow hard as
it is to bear my fate, | will have no expert
ments against the law of Nature let him rest
in peace!'
When it is desirable to put any one to the
test, there is nothing like doing SO without
warning. An actor fond Of playing practical
jokes at the expense Of utility men, heard
that one of them-his particular aversion
had boosted that if any trick was played upon
him he would turn the tables in q way that
would astonish the actor. The latter, of
course, resolved to test the Boosters readiness
on the first opportunity. He did not have TO
wait long for the chance. One night, when
the house was crowded, the carpenters failed
to get-a set scene ready in time, and 8 dead
stick ensued. Knowing his man, the stage
manager entreated the joke-loviDg actor to
60 and gag for a few minutes. Certainly,
replied he; and seeing the utility man at the
wing, be seized him by the wrist and, spite
Of resistance, dragged him to the Genre Of the
stage, and said: Your sister then, has been
betrayed. Tell me the story! tn frightened
fellow had no story to tell, to the crafty
joker's delight. Whether the audience in
front and the manager behind were equally
pleased, the record saith not.
In olden days the burgesses of Grimsby
were wont to decide which among them
should be mayor, by a very odd process.
Having chosen three Of their number as eli
gible for the position, they blindfolded them,
tied punches Of hay at their backs, and con-
Quoted them to the common pound where q
calf awaited their coming. He whose bunch
of hay was first eaten by the calf was pro
nounced most worthy of the mayoralty, and
installed into Office accordingly.
William Thompson, the once famous Ma
orr chief, adopted a shrewd method Of decid-
ing which Of his two sons should succeed
him. AS they stood before him as he lay
sick unto death, he suddenly addressed him
self to the elder, saying: Shorthand, take
down that gun and shoot the white man
standing outside the hut" The youth was
about to obey the order, when his brother in
tervened with "Why should you kill the
man? what harm has he done to us?" Then
said the old chief: Yes, that is right. You
have what IS wanted-sense and discretion.
You will take my place when I am gone
And SO the succession was settled.
When the American Colonel Ellsworth
wanted a chaplain for his zouaves, he sent
word to the applicants for the Office to meet
him at the Astor House at a certain hour.
The room was full Of aspirants to the chap
long before the appointed time. At
the clock struck the hour, and while it
was striking, in walked another candidate.
The colonel rose from his seat, held out his
hand to the last conner, and said You are
my man; l can depend upon you. for you
come at the appointed time
The c%olonel's reasoning was as incense
q%uential as that Of the stage carpenter whom
Edmund Kean heard thus settle the preten-
Of impersonators Of Hamlet: You
may talk Of Henderson and Kemble and this
new man. said the carpenter but give me
Bannister's hamlet. He was always done
minutes sooner than any one of 'em!'
Self interest is a sad warper Of the judgment,
and deyises very straDge tests. Going over
he graveyard Of the old Meeting at Birm-
with the clerk, Joshua Vernal asked
him VIC was the greatest man lying buried
here. This is he, answered Mackey, point
lng to a grave; I get five shillings a year to
keep it in order But what was he? What
lid he do? inquired the incredulous Joshua.
Why, said the clerk, he invented the hole
ing Of thimbles!s Yernal thereupon pointed
@ the grave of Q distinguished scholar as be-
Ing that OF the greatest man there; but the
clerk pooh-poohed the preposterous sugges-
saying: "No such thing; only get a
shilling for that grave His test Of
greatness vas q purely professional one, like
hat Of the Norwich barber who confdentially
,old the Mayor be did not think much Of this
British Association nine out of ten of them
ion't shave at all, and the others shave them
Humboldt said q Middlesex militia-cap-
tain-'Humboldt is an overrated man there
very little in him, and be knows no more
Of geography than my terrier there. I met
him once at the Russian Ambassadors at
Paris, and put him to the proof. As long as |
was talking Of the Andes, and the Cordil-
leras, and places which none but himself had
ever heard Of, he carried it all his own way;