New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1880-08-04
Mrs. Smiths Tran.

THE domicile of the Smiths is located
on Mission street, just between Wood
wards Gardens and the city front. 1t
may be recognized by the front yard
and the very peculiar canvas apparatus
which is attached to the fence. This
piece of canvas stretches from the top
of the fence to pair of poles firmly
fastened to the sidewalk below, and
forms an inclined plane, reaching nearly
to the ground, which bears close re-
scmblance to the netting used in gym
nasiuns and circuses as safe recepta-
Gle for falling acrobats. This canvas
arrangement is only portion of the
great invention alluded to, the principal
part of which is located beneath the
doorstep. For several years past Mrs.
Smith, in common with her sister
housewives throughout the city, has
been harassed by the visits of pcddlers,
sewing agents, book agents,
medical canvassers, vegetable vendors,
travelling tinsmiths, insurance solicitors
and host of the other gentry who
annoy and render miserable the female
population of the city. Mrs. Smith,
less fortunate than many housewives, is
without a servant, and has hitherto
been compelled to make all the way
from three hundred to four hundred
trips day to the front door. In fact,
the bell rang, tinkled, buzzed and
ratified almost continually, and so great
was the strain upon tie Misunderstanding
apparatus that a new wire had to be put
in two or three times month, and even
the knob wore out quarterly. This
state of affairs was not only expensive
and troublesome. but it was gradually
reducing Mrs. Smith to a skeleton, and
she daily waxcd weaker and more at
tenuated. She calculated. and calcu-
lated very correctly, that she travelled
from six to eight miles day IN her
tranps to the door. At last Mrs. Smith.
inspired by desperation, hit upon the
plan which has since proved so effect
i've. A skillful machinist was i,nmedi-
ately employed and directed to con-
strcct beneath the front doorstep a
compact and powerful apparatus con-
ncctcd with spring on the inside of
the threshold, which, when pressed by
the light foot of Mrs. Smith, would
suddenly bring into play the great forces
of the hidden machinery and press the
door-stcps upward with such terrific We
locity that its unfortunate occupant
would be hurled into space. The
flying peidlcr was supposed, after be-
ing precjpitated from the doorstep. to
describe u graceful! parabola which
would have it's termination in tho
depths of the canvas. The receptacle,
being an inclined plane, was expected
to gently drop the involuntary acrobat
to the sidewalk below. At last the in
gerious apparatus was completed, and
the mechanic assured the inventress
that her idea would make the young
peddlcr shoot, thus unconsciously in
verting an old expression. He also ex-
pressed his confidence that the aforc-
said canvas would invariably be the
place of descent. The next day Mrs.
Smith placed chair near the door and
serenely awaited the jingle which
would indicate the approach of her first
victim. She had not long to wait. BE.
fore ten minutes had expired the bell
gave a premonitory tinkle. Opening
the door, Mrs. Smith smiled on the out
slider with more complaisance than she
had manifested for years before. She
did not forget, however, to place her
left foot in convenient proximity to the
little spring before mentioned.
Madame" ingenuously asked the
unconscious intruder, "maY sell you
sewing"
He was, however, called away so sud-
denly that he had no time to complete
his question, 70 Mrs. Smith had pres;-
cd the spring, the step had flashed up
ward, and 10! the poor sewing-machine
man had disappeared. Alas for human
ingenuity, however, he reappearcd at
the wrong place, and, instead of falling
into the canvas SO kindly prepared for
his convenience, struck against the
fence with great violence, just after
completing his third somersault. The
neighbors thought that an unfortunate
aeronaut had been pitched from a bal
loon, and tlocked to the spot in scores.
The poor fellow had a leg fractured,
and the doctor across the street added
another to his list of patients. The ma
chine was Immediately perfected, and
by Christmas morning operated with
beautiful accuracy. During the morn
ing Mr.. Smith advocated the emoval
of the canvas on the ground that in
trudcrs deserved to suffer. In the wee
sma' hours of yesterday morning, how
ever, he reached his house in condi-
ton of semi-incbriety which made his
footsteps uncertain. and while entering
the door he was incautious enough to
place his right foot on the little spring
before he removed his left foot from the
doorstep. The result was rapid aerial
flight, fall into the canvas, a slide on
the sidewalk and a walk back to the
door. This little incident removed the
objections which Mr.. Smith had for
merly to the canvas, and yesterday he
watched fifty or sixty peddlers and can
vassers practice muscular contortion
during their flights from the step to the
canvas, without feeling the slightest re-
greet that they were uninjured. It will
be proper in conclusion to inform the
public that Mrs. Smith has reserved
the patent right of her wonderful in
venti0n. -SGN francisco Chronicle.
There can be no surer test of the
value Of COW for dairy purposes than
her actual performances at the pail and
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