Morning journal and courier., 1880-04-07
UNCERTAIN QUANTITIES..

When the Indian brave starts on the war path, his sweetheart aGectionatley bids him ''take hair. Boston Commercial Bulletin.
 There is woman in Wisconsin who has been married hfty-eight years and who has never missed building the kitchen fire. Her husband is probably the oldest fire escape on record.
 $, A citizen of New Hampshire undertook to introduce to his townsmen MT. Green, at torney at-law. 'SGentlsmsu," said he, ''this is Mr. Turney, green at law."-Morfords 8 Magazine.
 Here is an argument for crsmRtionists, A. D. 1900. Scene in a cremation undertaker's shop. Small boy with pail: II say, sir, is dad done yet? If he is, please put his ashes in this ere tin kettle.'
 The attitude of f-ssvsra1 presidential caudi- dates reminds the New York Mail of Widow Bedotts retort about the mica young man she met on stage coach. Encourage him /! l didn't encourage him-I only gave him my photograph and address"
 Scene at Williams College. Junior trRnslat ing New Testament. And the-an-and the Lord said, Lord said unto-uuto Moses" :" Here he hesitated and looked appealingly at neighbor, who being also unprepared, whis- psred, Skip it." Junior going on: ''And tho Lord said unto Moses, akip it.'' Great oonsternation snSued.
 A Russian nobleman lay on his death-bed. One of his curious fancies was to have his wife robe herself in her wedding dress and stand by his badside It was very natural bit of sentiment, and in the course of an hour the beautiful woman stood by his side arrsyed in the garments of twenty years ago. "Ah," hs sighed, you look So beautiful in that dress that hoped when the angel cana he might take g fancy to you and carry you of instead of me-"
 Bidwell L. Stevens writes from North Yer non, Indiana: ''What is the Monroe doc trire ?" The Monroe doctrine, Bidwell, sim ply and explicitly declares that no foreign ton shall come over hsre and slide down OUT cellar door; that England and France shall not hang on our front gate to do their courtipg; that they can't bring over their own syrup pots and elder sprouts and make sugar in our maple groves that Germany and Aus tria can't spot no bee tree In our woods; that Italy can't cut her frewood out of our hedge rows; that Russia can't spank her neighbours children with our butter paddle. The Monroe doctrine simply means that we are the bull of the woods between the two oceans, and that the man who joins farms with us on either sids had better not move the boundary fence until he talks to us about it, and that he can't sublet patch of his farm to anybody until VIC are satisfied that the new tenant will make a good neighbor for us. That's about all there is of it.-Burlington Hawkeye.
 A rather amusing incident is told as having occurred recently at a church not many miles from Fairfield. The clergyman, it would ap- pear, desired to call the attention of his con- gregetion to the fact that it being the last Sunday in the month he would administer the rite of baptism to children. Previous to his having entered the pulpit he had received from one of his elders, who, by the way, was quite deaf, notice to tho effect that the children would be present that afternoon, and he had the new Sunday school book ready for distribution, he would have them there to sell to all who desired them. After the ser mon, the clergyman began the notice of the baptismal service thus: "All of those hay ing children and desiring to have them bap- tized will bring them this afternoon" At this point the deaf elder, hearing the mention of children, supposed it WAS something in refer ence to his books, and rising, said: And all of those having none, and desiring them, will be supplied by me for the sum of twenty five nAc