The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1880-01-24
WIT AND HUMOR.

walked into large grocery and asked
II he might see tho proprietor. That
individual soon put in an appearance
and inquired:
"What can do for you?'
81 am In search ofa tirSt-class place
to deal at 1 generally buy about fifty
dollars worth Of stuff a day when my
family is In the CITY,"
'"This is the best placen the city;
everything guaranteed" warbled tho
proprietor, as he took q pencil from be.
lio head Of DR.. Mary Walker on the top
of n barrel.
''Do you keep anchovies2'
"Yes, sir, and first class they are
too.'
"Well, there Is some relief in know
ing that" continued tho prosp ectiye
customer good-naturedly; care you
aware OF the faot, my dear sir, that
have always experienced great trouble
In securing good anchovics?"
81 was never before aware Of 1t, SIR"
replied tho grocer after thinking care
fully tor minute.
g., "Well, l have, and if you possess
hrst class ones l'll buy you out"
"Will you just taste one ?"
s'Certainly, sir, certainly"
He then got out one and took nib
bic.
"Isn't that just A No. 1? screamed
tho grocer, as he danced around in an
ccstacy of delight.
cylinder, kinder" responded the
other, as nc made strange faces to be-
come acquainted with the flavor, "but
they have a kind Of wire edge. If you
will kindly favor mo with II cracker
and bit Of cheese | may bc able to
reach tho foundation of those ancho-
vies."
Then he devoured huge cracker and
a hugcr bit Of cheese, after which the
proprietor inquired:
"llow about the anchovicsP"
"l'm too warm to taste them now,
but If you'll give mo pineapple to cool
mo oil. glass Of vino to cut the cheese
out OF my throat, and al Intimidad
cigar too cool my nerves, I'll proceed
with the eXamination.''
nothing"
"You can'teh ?'
"N0, sir"
GAIL right. Thep III movo out -
If you're too mean to go fifty cents
worth of second hand stuff on Il man
who wants to purchase a thousand dol
lars worth anchovics, then you can t
litRO OlNNCs MY S0U per OlCHl Will
go somewhere else"
Then he stepped out into the park
and digcsted what he had got at tho
groccr's, and calmly devoured the
things which he had appropriated dur
ing the conversation.
TANTALus.-Irish Waiter (to Com
mercial Gent, who had done Il good
stroke of business alrcady)-Brikfasl ?
Iessir. What'll ye have, yer honor
tay or cotloep Commercial Gent
(hungry and jubilant)-Cotfce, and
fried sole and mutton icutlct to follow
Waiter (satlricallyl- - anything ilse,
SURF? Commercial Gent--Ycs, stcwcd
kidneys. All ! and savory omclctte !
Waiter-Yesslr, Anything Com
mercial Gent-No, that will do
Waiter with calm contcmpt)-And do
ye expict to foind the likes o. them
things here? Sure, ye'll get what yez
always got-bacon an eggs?
The EDToR.-Josh Billings says
eff anybody has hard work to please
most people it is an editor. Ifhc ON It's
anything, he is lazy. If he speaks OF
things of they arc, people get angry.
IL he CLOSES over or smoothers down
the rough points, he Is bribed. If calls
things by their proper names, he is de-
clared unfit for his position. If lie
does not furnish his readers with jokes
he is mullet. If he does, he is cat-
tie head, lacking stability. If he in
dulges in personalities, he is a black
guard. If he does not, his paper is
dull and lnsipid."
''SEE the moon," said lady to her
nephew, a bright little boy Of five, as
they sat looking out Of the window the
ether day. "rhe moon," said the little
man; "you can't see the moon in the
daytime" eyes, you cam" continued
the aunt; "thcre it is over the trees. y
The little fellow had to admit that he
saw It, but added, "Taint lighted any
way"
A little girl In the infant class of a
Sunday school thoroughly appreciated
| the difference between being good from
| choice and from necessity. At the close
OF tho school one day the teacher re-
marked. "Bcckie, dear, you have been
very good little girl, to-day.' eyes.
m, couldn't help being good, | got
tin neck" the youthful Beckie re-
piled with perfect seriousness.
ANaLo-SAxoN.-What insight one
continues to get into the Anglo-Saxon
tongue! Take this for example, call
cd from a boat running between Caen
and Havre: "Mlstcrs the voyagers are
prayed to not smoke at the cabins by
the hour of the departure of the boat,
and in the oppsite port.''
THE PRoPHEts-A divinity student
| electrified his examiner recently by
his brilliant reply to the question
| GLOW many and who were the minor
prophets ?" "There were twelve" was
| the answer, "and they were SO called
because their prophecies were all writ
ten before they attained their majority
NOT A BEvERAGE.-"They are not a
beverage but medicine, with curative
| properties of the highest degree, con-
tanning no poor whiskey or poisonous
drugs. They do not tear down an al
ready debilitated system, but build 1t
up. One bottle contains more hons.
that IS, more real hop strength, than a
barrel OF ordinary beer. Every drug
gi~t In Rochester sells them, and the
|