Litchfield enquirer., 1880-02-19
CLIPPINGS.

CLIPPINGS.
 Mumps are exaggerating the Bridgeport jaw
 1 There's arrest for the wicked not for the weary.
 An eagle on ten-dollar gold piece is worth ] five hundred in the air. l Feed the hungry tramp who comes to your door Y You may be entertaining an Ohio man unawares.
 A man may be as honest as the day is long, and yet be little crooked on thirty days credit. The Travellers Record finds that biographies l of great men are usually their ought-to-be. | ographies-not what they really are. A California actress with a wooden leg re- gently appeared in tights. It was the most soulless deception of the confding public that | was ever heard of.
 Young man, if it is Ii o'clock and she goes to the piano and plays a few bars of ''The Sweet Bye and Bye," you may consider the seance over for the night.
 When death occurs in Fiji, it has to be registered and the native scribes not unfre- auentlv III the blank left for ''cause of death" with the words medicine supplied by the missionaries"
 Doctor-''You must drink claret to build up yonr system" Patient-"Oh, don't ask me to do that, Doctor. I am wine merchant; I know how it's made."
 The word .'bone" is commonly used as @ substitute for "steal," which accounts for it being the invarlable custom in Ohio to call cemeteries ''bOne-yards.
 "Maid of Athens, ere we part, take, oh, take this tissue chart Twill show you how your dress to cut, and where the padding must he putt Shopping feminine discreetly swoons
 "Kind words can never die" How bitterly does man realize that terrible truth when he sees all the kindest words he ever sawin his like glaring at him from his published letters in breach of promise suit.
 The observant ''small boy'' went to church and heard the minister repeated say in his prayer, ''Grant us O Lord" He repor ted at home that the minister had ''come out strong for Grant" r
 A young lady who came in last week to ad- vertise for kitchen help said with & sigh and wiring of her dainty gloved hands, ''Oh! l do hope we'll get one soon. For 1t does al- most break my heart to see mother wash dish es with her rheumatism too."
 Teacher-Now, Bobby what is the plural of mouse {? Robby-Dono' m'm. Teacher Why Robby, Pm surprised. The plural of mouse is mice. Don't forget that now. Robby nom. Teacher-Now tell me what is the plural of house. Robby-Hice. i..
 company of scapegraces meeting pious old man named Samson, one of them exclaim- ed, .Ah. now were safe. We'll take Samson along with us and then, should we he set up- on by a thousand Phlistines, he'll slav them al" My young friend" quietly responded the old man, ';to do that, I should have to borrow your jawbone!""
 'John, what odor is that ?" ''Cloves, love" /" "But that other ?" "Allspice, my beloved" "But isn't there another ?" ''Yes, apples, be- lovedst" "Just one more?" "Raisins, my most belovedestp "Wel John, if you'd on- ly drink just little brandy, now, think you would make a good mince pie"
 It is narrated that would-be joker in mixed company remarked 'tNow, my friends think Japan is the best place to live Tn in the world; understand that there are neither Jews nor pigs there." A diminutive specimen but with an unmistakable Hebrew cast of countenance, replied: "Well, mine friend, 1 tell you vat it is. Let's you and me go there and exhibit ourselves. We could make our fortune. could represent the Jews and you could take the rest of the role to perfection"
 An Oil City Irishman having signed the pledge, was charged soon afterwards with hav- ing drank. s"Twas me absentmindedness. said Pat, "an' habit have of talking wid meself. I sed to myself sez I, Pat, coon in an have advink.' No, ger, sez I, I've sworn off Thin I'll drink alone sez to meseh. An I'll wait for yes outside, sez I. An whiu meself cum out, faith an he was dhrunk."
 At the jam at the close of one of the recent grand social parties in Chicago the "Philoso- pher'' and chief of one of our great morning dalies wasobserved searching anxiously among the head tiles for covering to his .scanty locks. A witty lawyer stood looking some time at the fruitless search, and fnelly said: ''See here, what are you looking for?" "A first class hat" responded the editor, "which I had when I came here" ''Pshaw! !" was 
 class hats for over forty minutes"
 He was young fellow in the hardware line. One day. when the boss was at dinner, coun- tryman came in to buy some nuts. He found an article that suited him, and wanted doz- en. Young Blakie looked at the price list and found they weye listed 'twenty five cents a dozen, thirty off." He gave low, inverted whistle, and then, with a sudden inspiration, he handed the customer five cents and told him he could buy the nuts at the other store. ''By George" he said, when he was telling the Governor of the transaction, '1 thought the best thing I could do was to save the nuts, anyhow" -
 He had asked her for her photograph. She excused herself with some kind of story about her negative being lost and another would have to be secured, etc., when he inter- rupted her rather warmly with the remark, ''What do you suppose I care for your nega- tive, Carrie? It's your affirmative 1've been after these six months!" She said nothing, but kind O turned up the whites of her eyes. and he We'll, it is nobody's business what he dId. It is only necessary to say that he started for the tailor's first thing next morning. and she-why she has done nothing but try on all sorts of things ever since.
 A clergyman recently left Liverpool in 8 large ocean steamer, and, beginning to feel uncomfortable after leaving the mouth of the river, sought the captain to learn if there was any danger. The captain in response, led the clergyman to the forecastle and told him to listen to what was going on. The clergyman was shocked to hear the sailors swearing viz. orously and expressed his horror to the cap- tain. The captain merely remarked: ''Do you think these men would swear in such man. ner if there was any real danger p whereupon the parson seemed satisfied and retired. A day or two after, during severe storm, the captain saw the clergyman proceeding with they're swearing yetr