The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1880-05-29
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
The Common Lot-Drunk or Sober-To be
screwed IN our collins
No well regulated organist will play - What
VIII the Harvest Bel - for wedding march.
Why is this year like the Oxford and Cam
bridge boat race because there are two eights
in it.
The successful contestant in the New York
waIkIng-match pockets Sl7 IT'S For the manu-
script Of {" Paradise Lost y Milton received $50.
Physic, says an old surgeon, is the art Of a.
musing the patient while Nature cures the dis
ease.
1t il very easy to recollect actresses age
Get it once fixed in your mind and you We got
IL forever.
When a paragrapher alIudes to the burial of
a person who died at the age Of one hundred
verely sat down upon.
The Empress Of Austria, it Is said, gets up at
6 O'Clock every morning. OF course then che
builds the fire and puts on the teakettle before
Francis Joseph gets up
IL IL not safe for an Australian critic to say
the audience was " transported - with delight.
Some Of those present might take it as personal
allusion.
The price Of theatrical tickets in the palmy
DAYS Of Rome was fifteen cents for the best, and
the play lasted for five hours. Just think how
the stage is degenerated
Ah, is is a sweet thing to get close to trust
ing loving heart I-Er. Very saecharine, in
deed but how worse than wormwoOd and gall
when you discover that it beats for another.
Appointment and interment is rhyme sent by
a poet this morning. II be will kindly make the
former, we viii guarantee that he will get the
latter.
DISTINCTIVE GRArrruDE.-Maud ian aristocra-
tic child); =" How pretty and clever you are,
mother I'm so glad you married into our
family "
..Wou1an has many advantages over man /; one
OF theu Is that his will has operation until he
is dead whereas hers generally takes effect in
her f4fetime.
In the gallery or the Louvre, before the statue
Of the Venis Of Milo Little boy What did
thev cut her arms of for?" Mother" Because
she put her fingers in the sugar-bowl."
ProFessor-Which Is the more delicate of the
senses? Sophomore-The touch. Prof.-Prove
it. Soph.-When you sit on a tack, you can't
hear it; you can't see it; but its there
man gets into trouble by marrying two
wives. If he marries only one he may have
trouble and some men have come to tribulatIon
by simply promising to marry one. Trouble
anyhow.
A scientific Journal says that - cats be
made tender and quiet by playing soft, sad music
to them" They can also be made quiet and
tender by tying a rope to their necks and throw
ing them into a creek, which is much easier than
hiring an orchestra
A gentleman - who advertiscs himself as
possessing a 81 religious character y and - fine
moral distinctions, desires small boarding
place where his 's pious example and exempla-
will he ted
available equivalents for board.
A sermopising Aberdeen pastor said to one of
his congregation. who happened to slip down IN
the street while he was passing, - Brother,
brother, sinners stand in slippery places The
fallen one, sensitive and smarting, responded,
- see they do but could not.
DO you say I've been a hard drinker all my
life - said an old topper to his acquaintance.
Yes, / do - Well. there's where you re
mistaken. At one period didn't touch drop for
two years--in fact drank nothing but milk -
a. Indeed What two years was that? - My
first two"
A man who was kept awake hour after hour
by the barking Of dog said he never wanted to
use shotgun so bad in his life 80 What for
TO shoot the dog7 asked the friend. 50 No"
b. repIied - but to shoot the fool who wrote
'Tis sweet to hear the Watchdog honest
bark
Looking over an old ledger, we see long
array Of names of former subscribers who are in
debted to Us. Some Of them have moved away,
and are lost to sight, although to memory dear.
Others are carrying the contribution boxes IN
our most respectable churches, and others again
have died, and are now angels IN heaven, but
they owe as just the same
FAIL WHEAT IN MINNESOTA Let's see, they
raise some wheat in Minnesota, don't theyP'
asked Schoharie granger Of Minnesotian.
Raise wheat Who raises wheat? No, Sir
decidedly no, SIR. It raises itself Why II we un-
dertook 70 cultivate wheat IN that State il would
run us out There would ut be any place to put
our house..
But I've been told that grasshOppers take
good deal Of it,
.Of course they do. If they didn't don't
know what we would do. The cussed stuff
wouId run all over the State and drive US out
choke US up. Those grasshoppers are Tod
send onIy there ain half enough OF en-.
Is that wheat nice and plump?'
Plump Why, L don't know what you call
plump wheat, but there are seventeen IN our
family, including ten servants, and when we
want bread we Just 90 out and fetch in kernel
ofwheat and bake it.
DO you ever soak it IN water hrstI
sOh, no that wouldn't do. Ii would swell
n little, and then we couldn't get il in our range
oven'-N. Y. Herald
Tzz CuRREScV-In the U. 5. Senate. April 9th,
.he foIIowing resolutions were presented After
short debate q vote was taken and the resolutions
we're defeated-ayes IA, noes III
aL-