The Middlebury register. [volume] (Middlebury, Vt.) 1850-1882, 1880-02-13
VARIETIES.
Smoking is denounced as a useless
habit. How. about smoking hams?

Smoking is denounced as q useless
habit. How. about smoking hams?
1 say to 2 thirds make the most ov
your money, for it makes the most ov
you.
The fashions change, but the mantle
of charity is always made generously
wide and roomy.
There are too few men following the
| plow in this country and too many fol.
lowing the women.
The reason why man steals all I'M
brella is because he does not like TO 90
out in the rain and borrow one.
Slandcr is thing that can make i,
more hot for the people in this world
than the thought of birthstone in the
next. B.
s$lt is remarked that every living boy
has an aching desire to touch his tongue
will.
To keep resolution, base il firmly
on good and sufficient grounds. and do
not forget either the preamble or the
resolution.
Voltaire spoke kindly of Hallcr. but
was afterwards told that Haller had
said very unkind things of him.
"Well," replied the wit, "perhaps.
after all, we have both of us made a
mistake"
The story that Sir Charles Dixie
would marry Lady Rosebery's sister,
had to be contradicted, because the
lady had no sister; otherwise il made a
good item.
A Texas actress wears revolver and
bowie knife i'll her belt. Doesn't she
! know that there are nicer arms than
those to have around her waist?
love my friends very much, but /
find that it is of no use to see them
commonly when am near them: thev
believe themselves and deny me con-
| tinually.
The average housewife will take more
pains to carry sickly fifteen-cent
plant through the winter than to keep
butter on the ice during htrce months
of hot weather.
The cobbler firmly believes it is nev-
er too late to mend, and that's the rea-
son you invariably find him above all
tradesman at work on his bench SO late
in the evening.
"What is woman's will?' shrieks q
social scientist of the bachelor pcrsua-
sion. Experience in our younger days
teaches us that it is the only will that
the heirs don't want to contest.
Shall husband keep his wife inform
ed of his business affairs? asks an inno-
cent. There is no necessity. She will
| find out five times rs much as he knows
himself, without the least trouble.
When certain ignorant instice of
the peace had his attention called to-the
particular section of the law fatlv
contradicting his decision, he replied
that he always disagreed with the re-
vised statues in that particular.
Exchange: The Begun of Rhopal is
pronounced one ofthc cleverest women
in India. The Chcwgum of Vassar is
the smartest girl in New York.
Adarkey in South Carolina is Green
backer because he says these gold
pieces "iooks like slavery times, and if
dis ting goes OH much longer, we'll all
be put back into slavery agin, sure"
Boston Transcript: "What a beauti-
full sight!" exclaimed 1lrs. Jones, rapt-
urously, as she looked ont over the
beautiful scenery from a Pennsylvania
railroad car. "Yes," replied Jones.
without raising his eyes from his paper,
"anthracite.n
Pass the butter gently, Mabel, shove
it lightly thro' the air; in the corner of
the dish, love, you will find nut
brown hair. What fond mem'ries it
awakens of the days ere we were wed,
when upon my good coat collar oft was
laid your little head Lovingly strok-
ed those tresses, in the happy days gone
by; now ] strike them every meal
time in the butter or the pie.
"I wish you would keep your mouth
shut ~ exclaimed Ilollemout, the dem
ust, suddenly losing patience with his
patients prediction to talking. GAN
right" said the latter, suiting the action
to the word. And then Hollemout ask
ed him il lc would be so kind rs to
open it again long enough for him
| (HollemouD to get his fingers ont.
You never do know how to please
some men.
Charles Dickens once wrote to Sir
John Bennett: "4Ny Dear Sir-Snce
my hall clock was sent to your estab-
lishment to be cleaned it has gone (as,
indeed, it always has,) perfectly well,
but has struck the hours with great re-
luctance; and, after enduring internal
agonies of a most distressing nature, it
has now ceased striking altogether
Though happy release for the clock,
this is not convenient to the household.
If you can send down any confidential
person with whom the clock can confer,
} think it may have something on its
works that it would be glad TO make a
clean breast of. Faithfully Yours,
Charles Dickens"
i Paris Paper: A stout gentleman
rushed quite out of breath up to
) the ticket office of one of the Paris
railways, shouting, "A ticket for Rou-
en-, pleaser' He was late, the Office
had just closed, and the train was about
to start. A polite gentleman came NJ
to him smiling and showed him tick,
/, ct, saying that he had just purchased i
for Rouen and finding at the last mo
ment that he had forgotten something
, and must return, he was willing to lie
! ! him have it for the cost. The stou
gentleman was delighted, paid his mon
ey, got the ticket and jumped on boart
: the train. Soon the conductor came
around to see the tickets. The stou
, gentleman presented his. "Au right,
said the conductor, "but where is you
ownw "My ownl why that's mine.
! "You don't mean to say that you ar,
4 going to travel upon that?' "Certain
ly." H'Are you a dog?" "Sirl" "That'i
ticket for dog"
San Francisco News Letter: The fol
t lowing advertisements are taken from
: morning contemporary; "rhe gentle
man who sat down on cream pie In