The spirit of democracy. [volume] (Woodsfield, Ohio) 1844-1994, 1880-06-08
Editor Bagshot's Assistant.

Editor Bagshot's Assistant. = .
Colonel Bagshot runs weekly news
paper called the Union, up in Chodunk.
Recently the colonel. was called away to
New York on business, leaving the Un-
ion in the hands of an assistant who
had been in his employ some little,
time.
Now, the colonel knew that said as
sistant had the cheek of brass statue,
and the audacity Of New England fiy,
both Indispensable attributes of the news
|psper man; but still, after being in the
city about week, he began to grow un-
easy, and telegraphed TO .Choduuk:
"Hows thinga3" sa
Back came the answer from the Tn
ions whilom editor: :,
sBnlly! Circulation of the old things
cone up to q thousand. Been getting
up red.hot paper, and there's gdng
outside that are weeping because they
cant hoist the shingles off the roof and
knock the whole corner to thunder. Stay
away as long as you like"
Bagshot' didn't waste moment after
receiving his encouraging dispatch.
He started home in the first train, and
reached Chodunk before night ~
The first man that struck him was the
ticket agent.
"Look here, colonel!" he cried, excl.
tedlv, i've darned good notion to
punch your head; you brazen-faced old
liar"
"Why3" asked Bagsbot.
"Read that!" and the ticket agent
showed a crumpIed Union into his hand.
There was paragraph marked, as
follows:, $50
| RAILROAD ITEMS The bandy-legged
idiot who, robs the railroad company at
this village has purchased new pocket
knife. Mere knocking down from the
cash drawer" -
Bagshot hit his lip.
"Bill," said he, that's a calumny, and
I'll see it frightened in our next. It's
my cussed assistants work" .
/ 81 don't care whose work it isl
growled the agent. .!"but if it amt contra
dicted, somebody's got to die; that's
sll."
Bagshot didn't reply, but sailed down
the street to the Union Office.
He had not gone half block before
be collided with Deacon Marsh.
The Deacon seized him by the shoul-
der and exclaimed:
"What do you mean, Bagshot, by in.
serting that scandalously untrue item
about me ?"
"Didn't insert any item," replied the
fcolonel.
"Don't sneak out Of it in that way
4 You know you did. Why just cut i,
out of the Union'-listen:
"RELIaIoUs INTELLIGENCE That whit
ed sepuIchre, Deacon Marsh, was no
|ticed, last Saturday night, trying tc
open the coal-hole in front of his resi-
|dence with bis night key. The deacor
vas full as goat, and couldn't tel
4 jinoonshine from green cheese
"Now that's nice, amt it, saying thai
I was intoxicated Saturday night, wher
went to bed at seven with a raging
toothache
"It's that reckless fool whom left in
CHARGE" groaned the colonel "I'l
make it all right, Marsh" and Bagsho,
scurried on again; only to be confron.
ted by Major Blim.
"Colonel!" uttered Blim, in his des.
perate voice, ''this is 1illianous! It's my
intention, to call you out and shoot yor
through the heart, What the deuce dc
you mean by publishing this note in the
Union: = y
"MrLLrrARY JoTnNas.-Msjor Blim,
the tattered old heggar, who hid in an
oyster barrel during the battle of Bul
Run, wears wig. He ought to be sho,
in the back With baked apple.'' y
81 can't help 1t. Blim." said Baeshot
wiping his forehead, sits all owing to
that young devil in the Office. He has
made red.hot paper. just wait, Ma
jor, and I'll fix things" .ss.t
Then Bagshot started again. By the
post-oiice old Parker grabbed him. ID
"Oh, you unfeeling ghoul!" walled
Parker "you ought to be rode on rail
The idea OF making fun of my poor,
dead child" eaf
"How2" ta ~
sHow! Have You the cheek to ssh
how7 Maybe you didn't shove this into
the 'Union, did you, you heart-less by
pocrite:" #s,
"oBrTUARY." taa
e''Little Bennie Parker
Had stomach pain.
| Rhubarb and ipecac
Both were in vain:
! a He kicked the golden bucket. ,4c
His parents hearts are sore; n
THEY'LL bu ry him tomorrow,
At a quarter Of four" os59 +,