The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1880-12-15
MISCELLANY.
WIT AND WISDOM.


The trees are beginning to get their trunks
in order, and they'll keep them so all winter
so they can leave early in the spring
Gan seems to hinge on this, y remarked the
lover when he proposed to his sweetheart
while swinging on the gate in front of hel
house.
A man out West . was offered a plate Of
macaron soup, but declined it, declaring that
they couldn't play off any billed pipe-stems or
him.
Made of the mlst-drzzlng raiu.-Modern
Argo. Maid of the mister--his sweetheart
Made of the mystery--hash.- Narration In.
DEPENDENT
When in passing country villa the only
thing out of order is the front gate, it is evil
dent that there is a manageable daughter in
the house.
A Baltimore clergyman recently preached
on the subject why was Lazarus beg
CARP" We suppose because be didn't adver-
tse.-B Darlington Haaokeye.
The Boston Courier gives the following wise
piece of advice to its bachelor readers. !" Never
marry girl unless you have known her three
days and pic MIC
1t is a fortunate thing for Shakespeare that
he established solid reputation before the
newspaper critics of America had chance to
cut him up.--N o. Picayune.
A plot that most of Erin's peasantry would
gladly own 10 is a plot of land entirely to him
self. He'd have no other conspirators engaged
ON such plot as that.-Punch.
Gus Ito Frank, who is chatting him about
his thin legs)-" My dear fellow, we can't all
be Garth horses. Usefulness isn't everything.
you know and there must be few thor
oughbreds, here and there, if only for the
sake of ornament. "-[Punch.
tramp woke up suddenly with cold
sweat standing in great beads upon bis fore
head. What's the matter?" asked
companion. GA frightfu dream dreamed
/ was at work" 81 told You that last mince
pie would give you horrid nightmare"
A certain lawyer was compelled to apollo
gize to the court. With stately dignity he
rose in his place and said Your Honor is
right and am wrong, as your Honor gener-
ally isl The judge hardly knew whether to
feel happy or fine the lawyer for contempt of
court.
A Murray Hill, New York, girl had one of
her shapely feet modelled in marble and pre-
sented it as birthday present to her affianced
husband. A St. Louis girl did the same
thing, but the unesthetic creature to whom
she is to be united heartlessly utilized the
gift as foundation for his new residence.
Although very early this season, it has al
ready been discovered that during the present
winter ice will, as usual, freeze with the slip
perry side up.-Phila. Chronicle Herald.
The census shows something like twenty
per centum more females than males in the
country's population. Well, we can't have
too much of good thing. -Rockland Courier.
Mrs. Mountjoy, who was reproaohed with a
lack of sentiment, replied elbow can a
woman have any sentiment whose husband
gees to bed six nights out of the seven with
his boots on?
Why is 1t your loaves are so much smaller
than they used to be?" asked a Galveston
man of his baker. " I don't know, unless it
is l use less dough than formerly" responded
the baker GaSoestoa Nesos.
Accidents will happen" Brigson lat
last winging pheasant, after missing right
and left all day)--"Ah, ha Knocked him
over that time, Jenkins" Keeper" Yes,
sir they win fly into it sometimes. Punch.
Two Freshmen in the library discussing
English Lit. 1st F." Do you like Dickens
works ~" I'd F. "Oh, yes, those I've
read. Especially Pickwick and 'Olver
Optic LIST F." Yes 'Oliver Optic is a
good book
There is disguised chief in the Ute coun-
try. He says. " When was in Washing
ton the tongues of the white men were long
as my arm, but now they are no longer than
the joint of my little finger"
A friend of mine has now q cook. On be-
ing asked whether she was good one, he re-
piled petulantly. Good? Why IL she had
to prepare nails for an ostrich she'd boil them
hard. "-Forney'S Progress.
A young man went into restaurant the
other day, and remarked that "Time is
money" and added that, as he had half an
hour to spare, If the proprietor was willing
he would take it out in pie.
An old Vermont farmer came home drunk
the other night, and became the victim of an
irrepressibe desire to get still drunken. So
he thought he would bring out his wagon and
drive over to Shelburne Falls for more whis-
key. just as he was about putting the finish-
ing touches on the Harvesting arrangements
he said to himself, !" This horse has got
horns !" He brought out his lantern aud
found he had harnessed the COW to the wagon.
He muttered, "I'm drunk enough now, I'M
hitched the beast and went into the house to
sleep it off.