Connecticut western news., 1880-10-13
WIT AND WISDOM,

himself by a hedge.
 HE Watch on the Rind-Guarding &
 watermelon patch.
 WHEN is lamp in bad temper '
 When it's put out, of course.
 EXTREMES meet. The man with eorns
 on his feet will quite likely show wry
 face.
 WHY is the money you are in the
 habit of giving to the poor like newly
 born babe? Because it's precious little.
 AN EXCHANGE says :-" Threshing sea-
 son is over "-in the very teeth of the
 fact that the schools have just opened
 for another year. l A MASSACHUSETTS man has a lecture
 on "What Shall be Done With the
 Indian ?" Well, if we know anything
 about it, the first thing is to catch him.
 "A THING of beauty" remarked the
 dentist, looking into the patients
 mouth, "is jaw forever. A dollar and
 fifty cents, please" P. S.-That is what
 makes it so beautiful.
 WHEN somebody told MT. Whistler
 that friend of his had received legacy
 of ten thousand pounds, By love 1"
 cried the witty spendthrift, "that's
 twenty thousand pounds year for six months !"
 "WHAT is the first thing to be done in case of fire?" asked Professor Stearns.
 "Sue the insurance company" promptly answered the boy at the foot of the class, whose father had been burned out I once or twice.
 "How musically his hoof-beats soundp' exclaimed an enthusiastic lover of the l turf, as St. Julien speeded around the course at Brighton lately. "Yes, !" re- piled his matter-of-fact companion, che l is beating time."
 A LETTER addressed to "the prettiest girl in Sedalia, Mo-, i, posted up for claimant. The girls all say "I wish they had just sent it to me and not stuck it up that way in 8 public place. I'll never get it now" a.
 THE meanest man on record is the one who saw an archery club out practicing and went and got seven arrows and stuck them into a COW in the next field. No amount of protestation could induce her owner to acquit the archers.
 WHEN old Mrs. Pinaphor heard that @ certain young lady had "gone to Europe to catch husband, she innocently ob- served: "Why, is there no one in this country who will have the girl ?" It really does look that way. .-Norristo,on Herald.
 IT IS not sufficient, according to the Cincinnati Saturday Night, to have the golden rule worked on piece of per forated paper with green crewel and hung over the sitt1ng-room mantel with pink cord, but it seems as if some peo- pie think it is.
 A NASHUA man left cannon-ball on the grass in front of his house, and six teen boys, nine middle-aged men, two old men, ard one woman who had pretty stockings on, mistook it for football. Now draw on your imagination for the rest of the story.
 Punch gives the following as an ex- ample of self-sacriice: Boy 0o lady visitor)- Teacher, there's a gal over there a winkin' at me p Teacher "Well, then, don't look at her." Boy '" But if I don't look at her, she'll wink at somebody else p ...
 "SAY, have yor heard that Edwards has just been arrested on account his with his coal-ol company ?" ' The deuce you say I thought he always took the interests of the share holders, so-" "Yes, but the trouble was that he took their principal too."
 A HANDSOME lady entered dry goods house and inquired for "bow." The polite clerk threw himself back, and re- marked that he was at her service. '' Yes, but I want buff, not a green one, ," was the reply. The young man went on measuring goods immediately.
 MRS. HANCOCK is reported by corre- 'pondent of the Hartford Post to have said that she reads Republican papers because at the beginning of he campaign she found that the Demo- 'ratic papers praised her husband all he time. What she is really trying to ascertain is just how wicked Geneal Han ,ock has been.
 A YOUNG collegian of Providence, R. T., nade considerable noise in going to his oom after spending the evening out with his classmates. Next morning his ond mother asked him, with serious oicitude, why he had made so much Loise. He replied: "Mother, since you lave asked, must tell you. The fact vas, stumbled over pin."
 HERE, lend us hand, somebody" ried good little Billy, struggling to limb over the back fence to run away 0 the circus. And his kind father, who to be near and heard him, came p and lent him hand about the size sugar cured ham, sixteen or seven- zen times. And the next time he runs way to the circus Billy will try to get long alone.
 SCENE in the park (dramatis oersonc counting couple) "Are co happy, tile ootsy wootsy?" She" "Oh, so appy! Is topsy nopsy happy, tooP" Ie-"Oh, so happy l" he-"What ould topsy nopsy do if there was no otsy wootsy in the woIld?" Gruff oice of man in the bushes-"Snopsy opsy would be hugging some other irl, that's what" Tableau.
  scHooLMAsTER endeavors to instil ito the minds of his pupils the great