The New Bloomfield, Pa. times. (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1877-188?, 1880-06-29

~ ~ ach5 Aescb
g9T Old Deacon Dobson boosted that
he was always prepared for the worst,''
aud his neighbors thought he got it
when he married his second wife.
-.-->-.
RD' The best lip salve isa kiss. This
remedy should be used with caution, as
it is liable to bring on an affection of the
heart.
eY Sunday school teacher, examining
on Book of Kings -" Now, can any
child tell me why Elijah ordered water
to be put on the bullocks on the altar 2''
Small boy, aged nine and-a-half:-
Please, sur, to make the gravy with"
ca A New York stone-cutter received
the following epitaph from German, to
be cut upon the tombstone of his wife
Mine wife Susan is dead, If she had
lived till mex Friday she'd been, dead
shust two weeks. AS tree falls SO 1t
must stan.''
ET An exchange tells Of girl that
hated her lover to such an extent that,
when he called to see her on Sunday
evening she threw her arms around his
neck and squeezed him almost to death.
The youth was so alarmed he didn't call
again until the next evening.
81 This is getting to be well-padded
world: There are horse pads, foot
pads, hip pads, liver pads, back pads, kid
ney pads, lung pads and stomach pads,
and some one will soon have pad for
bald heads. AS a Dutchman might say,
dis is too pad.'
ggr A druggist sent his Irish porter
into darkened cellar. Soon after, hear
ing noise, he went to the opening and
called out,
" Patrick, keep your eye skinned ~
"Och divil an eye'' roared Pat, " but
it's me nose that's skint entirely"
Ey An Irish drummer who now and
then INDUCED in noggin of poteen,
was accosted by the reviewing general:
What makes your nose so red Y'
" Place yer honor" replied Pat, Il
always blush when spake to a gineral
officer"
ca An English servant girl who had
returned from the United States to visit
her friends at home, was told that she
looked really aristocratic, to which she
responded
+" Yes, in America all US domestics be-
long to the hire class.''
-
Eg- Pa" said boy to his father,
what is meant by close relation ?''-
Close relations, my son." replied the
father, Z" are relations that never give
you penny"
The boy said the old man then was
the " closest" he'd got.
ca They tell story about a Yankee
tailor dunning man for the amount of
his bill. The man said he was sorry,
very sorry indeed, but he could not pay
him.
Well" said the tailor, g took you
for a man who would be sorry, but if
you are sorrier than / am, I'll quit"
sg g Darling,' she whispered, as he
bent his ears back to catch her tender ac-
cents, won't you please go and buy
some of that elegant lace in the dry
goods window for me 2"
g Yes, my ownest," he murmured.-
He went by it all and never stopped
the unfeeling wretch
Esy A small but reckless boy from
town is visiting out in the country, and
has climbed on the back of an unbroken
colt.
What ails him, Ben 2'' he calls
from his unstable seat on the back of the
animal, which is walking around on its
hands, 4" what makes him stoop pup so 2"
- .------
HT Little Nellie was looking at some
pictures of wild animals when Mr.. Jock
ins called, and appealed to that gentle
man to explain one of the pictures.
''That is wild boar" said he; and
the little lady looked at 1t thoughtfully
and replied;
cit doesn't like you, does it Mr.. Jen-
kins s''
f" I hope not" responded the guest
/" Why ?"
+" Because" said the artless infant,
g mamma said, when your card was sent
up, There is that old bore Jorkins
again."