The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1880-05-20
WIT AND HUMOR,


WIT AND HUMOR.
|
\, THERE was q very pleasant gift party
the ether evening, and the company
sang, we give up all for heaven with
great feeling; but the next day the
munster expressed desire to resign,
ne SAID that three quarts of beans. q
pillow case of dried apples. two pounds
Oh head cheese, a pan OF twisted dough-
nuts ana calico dressing-gown were
unoouotedly very valuable in their
way, put they seemed to form an un-
natural basis to preach sound theology
| from.' 81
DEAN CowpER, of Durham. who was
very economical of his wine, descant
ing one day on the extraordinary per-
lormance OF man who was blind, re-
marked that the poor fellow could see
| no more than "that bottle" "I do
not wonder at it at all, SIR" replied
DIR. Drake, minor canon, "for we
have seen no more than "that bottle"
all the afternoon"
WHEN certain man had been made
inc freiect of u small village he
| bought his wife new fur garment.
she, proud Of her 1lnery, and full Of
| ner husband's new honors, entered
churct just as the congregation rose to
thelr Feet to hear the gospel read, She,
Ch1nk1ng this was done out Of rcpect to
her, and recalling her former condi-
tion, said gractously, "sit down, good
people! have not forgotten 1 was
once poor!"
MY dears, l miss something Or
somebody, ! can't toll what or. who,"
sald Jonos to his children, as he sat
down to tea the other night. "P'rhaps
it's mother,' said little Billy, t'she's
gone over to aunt jones to tca." The
chtld was right. 1t was Mrs Jones who
was missed, and Jones remarked In
continuance "Woll, lets have quiet
supper"
| DANIEL DREW originated the term
| "watcred stock" lie was drover in
early life, and one day when party
| desired TO sci him some Inflated stock he
sald: That stock makes me think of
| old farmer Brooks, up in put who
used TO salt and water his stock to
make the cattle weigh heavy when he
sold them" The broker told the story
III TIC street, and 1t became an adugc.
a LITTLE ave-year-old friend, who
was always allowed to choose the pret-
test kitten for his pet and his Dlay-
inate, before the other nurslings were
drowned. was taken to his mothers
SICK room the other morning 10 see two
tlny, Few, twin babies. He looked re-
iltctlVeiy from one to the other for a
minute or two, then poking his chubby
finger into the check OF the plupcst
baby, he said decidedly, Save this
IVY HAT shall bring you tor dessert.
slrr' said Il polite waiter at Il fashion,
ahle hotel, as he commenced removing
a formidable array Of empty dishes
from before guest, evidently from the
rural districts. "Now, young man."
said he, Jest you give me time; all
you've got to do now is to fill all them
dishes up again the same as they were
before, and bring 'em here; bymeby
we'll talk. .aboutyour pies and pudtlins.n
DANcER3 are Informed that the
'ihVerpooi lurch" and the "Boston
dip' have been replaced by the "Bos-
ton grip" and the "South-Sea cuddIe.u
We have often wondered why the grace
ttl "SouthSea cuddlo" didn't replace
the awkward Liverpool lurch" or
Boston dip" We never heard Of #
before, but there must be more poetrv
of motion about 1t.
"WHY, Jimmy," said one profession
nj beggar to another "are you going
to knock of already? It's only two
o'clock" "No you E.utton head" re-
~sponded the other, who was engaged in
unbuckllng his nrutch, "I'm only
going to put it on tho other knee. You
don't suppose fellow can beg all day
on the same leg, do you."
A young man who became engaged
to the daughter of a plumber last fall
has broken off the match. IIe expected
to marry an heiress, but owing to tho
mild winter her father didn't make two
hundred dollars, and as this was his
first season In business for himself, the
nlmshousc Is now staring him III the
face.
A ScoTCHMAN having warm dispute
with London cabman about his fare,
said cpd hae ye ken Pm a Mackin-
tosh"; to which the irevcrcnt cabby
replied, "9ou may be umbrellar for
all Know but my fare Is hcightecr
pence.
A LECTURER was explaining to lit
tie girl how lobster cast his shell
when he had outgrown 1t. Said he:
"What do you do when you have out
grown your clothes? You cast them
aside, do you not2" ooh, nor re-
piled the little one; eve let out the
tucks."
1T Is odd, and sometimes melancholy
TO sec man trying to "make up his
lnlnd,' when he has no material on
hand to work with.
"IL Ill make you prove that" said
man to another, who had accused him
OF theft. "Don't," said a witty by
standcr. "for you'll feel worse after it
than you do now"
WE have received important infor-
| nation that American girls have re-
lnQuish their lean wear nri yilepes dur.