The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1880-01-10
VARIETY.


A subscriber to southwestern paper died re-
Gently, leaving four years subscription unpaid.
The editor appeared at the grave and deposited
the coffin palm-leaf fan, linen coat, and a
Thermometer.
Now there abideth these things, which every
man can do better than any one else-Poke a
fire. Put on his own hat. Edit a newspaper.
Tell story-after the other man has begun It.
Examine a railway time table.-HaI0keye.
A little girl the other day told the schoolmist-
ress there was sickness in her house, and was
sent home to learn the name Of the disease.
Next morning after roll call she bashfully adgan-
ced and said: please, Miss, ma says we have 4
little baby at our house; but you needn't be
afraid, for it amt catching"
Yorkshire trainer lately revealed his method
Of meeting conjugal storm. His plan, he said.
was 70 keep silence and nod his acquiescence to
everything, no matter what was said by his
spouse. YES" remarked one Of his friends,
isbut then she has it all her own way &" just
80 >" replied the Tyke, with satisfaction; 50 and
nothing annoys her much. There is nothing
women hate like walk-Over.
Mark Twain contributed S25 towards defray-
ing the expenses Of the battle-hag celebration at
Hartford, but took ID cut of the money that be
intended 10 spend for pew in church. The
following is his defence Of that course: There is
nothing nObler than for religion TO support pat
riotism, and nothing wiser than for both to up
hold and encourage domestic economy; therefore
subtract this sum from the pew rent"
Old Mr. Harris, Of Dubuque, called on his
friend Of former years, General Grant, at Galena,
and, taking two cigars from a roll Of paper said:
ssCfeneral, you gave me one Of these cigars when
YOU were General Of the army, and | resolved
not to smoke it until you should be made Presi-
dent. The second you gave me in your first term,
and resolved not to smoke il until you were
again President. Now I want another cigar
The cigar was given without word.
date of Essex. Mrs. Buxton is benevolent and
sdvOeates temperance. The other day, says
TTnfh, she addressed audience of working
men on the waste Of money and loss Of time
by drinking and smoking, but her perOration
interrupted by a ludicrOus incident which was
the more unpleasant as il LETT her with no digni-
fed or adequate retOrt. - All, missus - shouted
one Of the hearers, where 'ud you be if us did
MT drink les all along Of us drinking as the
Buxtons be so fine; you'd be wuss of without it,
now, wOuldn't your
A PRoyIpEST citizen before leaving town for n
tr;q with has family affixed inside his hall door
pIacard couched follows - To burglars or
those intending to burgle-AU my plated jewelry
and other valuables are in the Safe Deposit Com
pany's vaults. The trunks and cupbOards con-
tain nothing but secondhand clothing and simi-
lar matters too bulky to remove, on which you
would realize comparatively little. The keys are
in the Ieft-hand top drawer of the side board if
YOU doubt my word. You will also find there
certified check to bearer for so. which will re-
munerate you for your loss of time and disap-
poiatment. Please wipe your feet on the mat
and don't spill any candlegrease on the carpets"
As the matrimonial season is approaching with
frightful velocity, we reprint, for the benefit Of
thOughtless girls, Mr.. TennysOns littls gem
titled :. After year
The young wife grabbed the griddIe cakes
From their place the glowing stove;
And her thoughts went back twelvemonth since,
when Augustus telling his love.
How he vowed that Earth hal never held
A treasure 20 rare as his pet:
And that after the wedding he'd toll for her
As tofled yet
~But that was year ago" she said
As the grsddle cakes fell a plate; +;
and now the ornery. stump-nosed cuss
won't get up put coal the grate-'
WHIsrLrG is not n lofty nor yet useful al
though it is n universal accomplishment. Though
Won prnetise n hundred years, and though you
whistle never so ~histIey. yet the commonest
switch-engine that ever scared human being
deaf can beat you at 10. The great and good
we're never great whistlers. George Washington
never sat in a friends Office. with hIs feet on the
wIndow-siII whIstling - Grandfather's Clock -
against the edge Of card. Strive to emulate
George Washington, and although you may never
be first in war, first peace and first in the hearts
of your eountTymen, yet fame will not forget you
az they can write upon your tombstone that you
never whistled your cOuntrymen into cOnvuls.Ons
The Virginia City Chronicle says: saloon
keeper went down to the train last night to over
haul man who owed him Sl6. He announced
bic intention Of wiping the platform with the
man if be once got hold Of him. lie found the
man, and the two had talk about the debt.
The creditor told pitiful story about his bard
luck, and said he had only just enough money to
get 20 ElkO. The salOon-keeper Is q kind-hearted
German. and. after hearing the story of the fel-
lows misfortunes, the tears stood in his eyes, and
I.N VII
here's two toller and half for you to get grub
on the way and thrusting the money in the
mans hand, be pressed It with warm grip and
a tremulous '-G0od by, Pill, and went up town
murmuring, .sDOt pOy ish always in hart lug"
A BALTIMORE lieutenant Of police, while sit
ting behind the desk, was accOsted by respect
abiy attired man, evidently just recovering from
a hard drinking bout, who requested the officer
to send him 70 Jail. This the Lieutenant refused
to do. when the man became violently abusive
and had 10 be elected from the station. On reach
;ng the payement he walked up the street and
meeting a policeman repeated his request to be
arrested which was again refused. lie became
Greatly enraged and, exclaiming to the otheer,
:. Won wont arrest me, wont you - struck him
.VEo heavy blows over the head with n heavy cane
which he carried The officer was partially stun
ned by the blow, but recovered and grasplng MS
assaiIant marched him into the station, where the
Individual gave the historic name OF John Jones;
ae was committed for the action OF the CrimInal
IIourt for assaulting the .oficer, and few hours
later was comfortably lodged in Jail according 70
his expressed desire.