The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1880-01-30
THE BABIES.
MARK TWAIN AT THE GRANT JAMB0REE
his MOST ELOQUENT DISCOURSE ON
BABIES.

l
like that. We have not all had the good
fortune to be ladies. We have not all been
Generels, or poets or statesmen, but when the
toast works down to the babies, we stand on
common ground Laughter for we have all
been babies. Renewed laughter. 1t is
shame that for thousand years the worlds
banquets, have utterly ignored the baby
laughter as if it didn't amount to anything
Laughter. If you will stop and think
minute if you will go back fifty or one hun
dred years to your early married life laugh
ter and recontemplate your first baby, you
will remember that he amounted to a good
DEAL and even sometimes over. Roars.
You soldiers all know that when the little |
fellow arrived at family quarters you had to |
hand in your resignation. Laughter. He |
took entire command. You become his lack |
ey; his body-servant laughter and you |
had to stand around, too, Renewed laugh
ter He was a commander who made no
allowance for time, distance, weather or any
thing else. Convulsive screams. You had
to execute his orders whether it was possible
marching in his manual of tactics, and that
was the double quick. Shouts, He treat
ed you with every sort of insoence and dis
respect, Iaughter and the bravest of you
didn't say word. Great laughter.l You
could face the death storm of Donelson and
Vicksburg, and give blow for blow, but when
he clawed your whiskers and pulled your hair
and twisted your nose, you had to take it.
Roars When the thunders of war were
sounding in your ears you set your faces to-
ward the batteries and advanced with steady
tread, but wher heiturned on the terrors OF
his warwhoop Llanghterl you advanced in the
other direction, and mighty glad of the
chance, too. Renewed laughter. When
he called for soothing syrup did you venture
to throw out any side remarks about certain
services to be unbecoming to an officer and
gentleman [Boisterous laughter No, you
got up and got it. Great laughter. When
he ordered his pap BOTTLE and it was not
warm, did you talk back ? Laughter Not
you. Renewed laughter. You went to
work and warmed it. Shouts. You even
descended so far in your mental office as to
take suck at that warm, insipid stuff
laughter just to see if it was right, three
parts water to one of milk, Ttumultuous
laughter tough of sugar to modify the col
ic, [laughterl and drop of peppermint to
kill those immortal hccoughs. Roars. I
can taste that stuff. Laughter
And how many things you learned as you
went along. Sentimental young folks still
take stock in that beautiful old saying, tha
when the baby smiles it is because the an.
gels are whispering to him. Very pretty
but too thin ; simply wind on the stomach
my friends. [Shouts If the baby propos-
ed to take walk at its usual hour, two O.
clock in the morning, tlaughter] didn't you
rise up promptly and remark, with a menta
addition, which would not improve Sunday
school book much, laughter that that wa
the very thing you were about to propose
yourself. Great roars. Oh you were un-
der good discipline, laughter and as yol
went pattering up and down the room in al
undress uniform [aughterly you not only pral
tied undignified baby-talk, but even turne,
up your martial voices and tried to lun.
Roek-a-by, baby, in the tree top for in
stance. [Great laughter.l What specta
Gle for an army of the Tennessee laughter
and what an affiiction for the neighbors, too
for it is not everybody within mile arounC
that likes military music at three o'clock il
the morning. Laughter And when you
had been keeping this sort of thing up two
Il AL L.
timated that nothing suited him like exer
else and noise, [langhter-'Go on'] what die
you do? You simply went on until 70,
dropped in the last ditch. Laughter
The idea that baby doesn't amount t.
anything Why, the baby is just hous
and front yard full by itsetf Laughter
One baby can furnish more business than 20,
aud your whole Interior Department can at
tend to. Laughter. He is enterprising
irrepressible, brim full of lawless activities
Laughter. Do what you please, you can
make him stay on the Reservation. Grea
shouts. Sufficient unto the day is one lately
Laughter As long as you are in your rigt
mind, don't you ever pray for twins. Laugh
ter. Mr.. Clemens is the father of pai
Twins amount to permanent riot, laughter
= and their amt any real difference betwee
triplets and an insurrection. Uproarou
shouts. Yes, it was high time for toast
the masses to recognize the importance of tn
babies. Laughter. Think what is in stor
for the present crop fifty years from nov
We shall all be dead, trust, and then th
flag, if it still survives, and let US hope
may, will be floating over "a Republic nun
bering 200, 900, according to the settle
laws Of our increase. Our present schoone
of State laughter will have grown into
political eviathan-a Great Eastern. Th
cradled babies of to-day will be on deck
let them be we'll trained, for we are going /
leave big contract on their hands. Grei
laughter.
Among the three or four million cradle
now rocking in the land are some which tn
nation would preserve for ages as sacre
things, if We could know which ones the
are. In one of these cradles the unconsciou
Farragut Of the future is at this momer
tecthing Laughter Think of it ant
putting in word of dead earnest, inarticula
ed, but perfectly justifable, profanity over i
too. Laughter. In another the future II
nowned astronomer is blinking at the shir
ing, milky way with but liquid interest
poor little chap-and wondering what has bt
come of that other one they call the wet nurs
Laughter In another the future great hi
torian is lying, and doubtless will continue /
lie laughter until his earthly mission is enc
ed. In another the future President is busy
ing himself with no proiounder problem
State than what the mischief has become
his hair so early, laughter and in might
array of other cradles there are now som
sixtu thansand f1tnra office seekora nattin