davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1880-04-24
THE FOX AND TIE sroRK.

A fox. one day invited . stork to
dinner, but provided fer the enter.
tainment only the fret course, soup.
This. being in = shallow dish,. Of
course the fox Tapped up readily, b1'
the stork, BY means of his long Dill,
was unable to gain q meuthfuf.
"Ysu de not seem to be fond o.
SOUP" said the fox, coneealing Z
smile in his napkin. "Now. it 10 one
of my greatest weaknesses"
You certainly tsem to project
yourself outside Of large quantity
said the stork, rising with som.
dignity, anu examining his watct
with considerable emprsssnsnt; ''bu'
l have an appointment at 8 o'cloei
which l had forgotten. l must asl
to be excused. An rsyoir. BY thu
way, dine with me Tomorrow"
"The fox assontsd, arrived at th'
appointed time, aud found, as he fully
expected, nothing OH the table but
single long-necked bottle containing
olives, which the stork was conpla
Gently extracting by the aid Of hi
long bill.
"Why, you do not seem to eat any
thing" said the stork. with naivstte
when he had finished the bottle.
"No," said the fox, significantly
II am waiting for the second course
"What is that 2" asked the stork
blandly.
"Stork stuffed with Olives" shrek
ed the fox in . post pronounced
manner, aud instantly despatched
him.
Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1880-04-24
FRIzzED AND BANGED SINNERS.
Mr.. TalHage Describes the Wicked
People who put only Per.
mics In the Box.
Iron the N. Y. World. :


Mr.. Talmsgs yesterday returned
thanks in q general way, and withou.
gong into particulars, for the sue
cess of his latest scheme to liquidate
the Tabernacle debt. He said that
the public had handsomely respond
cd, aud incidentally mentioned the
fact that he had acknowledged the
receipt of each dollar bill with his
Gown hand" aud should continue go
to do. Prof. ALI having played some
selections from "Robert le Diable,"
Mr.. Talnage proceeded to preach, by
request, as he said, a sermon about
the eldest brother of the prodigal
son.. 81 have many times" he said,
''tried to trail my Gamers obscura on
this young man. but the light was al
ways bad. Now L think.I have got
him, and I'll show you a full length
portrait Of him. From all the win
dsws OF the house goes forth the
sound Of revelry. Clack go the
cymbals, thrum go the harps, click 90
the glasses, up and down 90 the dane
ing feet. Servants are rushing ex-
citedly about, administering to the
comforts of the guests. 1t Is Il merry
scene within the old homestead. Now
look without. The older brother has
come up from the barn or the fields.
What 10 all this about?' he asks of
one OF the servants. He is told that
his brother has returned. Que would
think that he would hasten in to Join
tho Oriental schottische. No, lie stands
slsof aud grumblss. He is all ill.,
CRATE and Q liar, and d~lsobedieut. but
you can see that he 10 a self-satisfsd
man.. He thinks he ia perfect-the
charl. hate your perfect men.
never was - badly cheated in my life
az l once was by one of your 'pcrfect'
men. He had got so far up in tho NOR
ais that he couldn't see the rules of
common honesty. These men who
60 prowling around prsyer-meet-
lngs telling how much like saints
they ars-look out for them ; keep
year hands on your pocket-books.
The 'highsr-life' mau of a certain
class, whs goes around with a bible
under his arm aud who rushes into
the counting-room of a merchant,
who is adding a column of figures,
and exclsims, 'How's your soul 2 is
q nuisance. He makes religion q dose
Of ipeeacuanha. l tell you u roaring
roisterinz, bouncing sinner isn't So
rspulsive to me as one of that sort OF
higher-life men. Now take another
look at this elder brother and SET
how plainly faithlessness in the re.
formation Of = siuDsr Is written in
his face. lie doesn't believe the
prodigal has repentsd. OF course he
doesn't; there are thousands of sucf
man ThA 1.AnAntonnn f ,.
seems to be regarded as q persona
affront to their own pisty. Prodlgali
want to got into the warm gulf stream
~ofsvmpsthy, and such people + thu
icebergs against which they strike
and shiver. There is plenty of room
! for sinners, but there is o Inucl
Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1880-04-24
MONEY TO LOAN.

A s AGENT FOR EASTERN CAP @Ewwzyua
"A ITAL We are prepared to MAKE IMaEzHNM
LOANS on Lands in Lafayette Coun- ~
ty. on : to 5 years time. at reason u
able rates of interest. and in sum-frOm $500 I,
S25, 900. murchl3m5 Z. wINSOK son.
Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1880-04-24
BE TURNED THE TABLES.

There is nothing like presence OF
mind, after all. Ono dark. rainy
night, last week, old DR.. Bolts, who
lives on Van Mesa avenue, San Fran
cisco, vas trudgiDg homsward, when
he discovered that he was being dog
ged by burly rufaan. evidently In.
tent on robbery. They were in 9
lonely part of the tewn, and the MAI
was just at: his heels, when the doc
tor, buttoning his coat to his chin,
suddenly turned back aud said to bis
pursuer:
"PIease, sir, give ne q dime to buy
something to. eat. l don't want to
get whisky, indeed I don't hsven''
had anything to cat for two days"
"Great ScottW exclaimed tho foot.
pad, repocketing his slungshot with
profound disgust, "to think, here
I've been piping of . id paupel
for over q mile" Aud he walked OF
eursing his Internal luck.
Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1880-04-24
ABOUT Mr.. STURGEON.

When 1 was in England l made the
acquaintance of the Rev. G.. H. Spur
geon. He has $500 hearers in HE
church every Sunday. Ilosk on him
as one OF the greatest men Of the
volumes of his sermons. fourteen
hundred and eighty of them, al fresh
and free from repetition. l said to
him. "You are to me q marvel Of
production" Then look at his in.
stitutions, his pastors college, and
his celpertage and other societies.
Then think of his orphanagss.
He asked me If 1 would 20 with
him to visit those Stockwell Orphan
ages. / said l could only spare Satur-
day for the purpose. He said he could
not drive me there on that day, for
his herses "were under the law, and
not under grace" They kept the
Jewish Sabbath, while their owner
observed the Christian Sabbath. We
hired . brouSham and went to Stock
well. When The boys saw Mr.. Spur
geon's burly figure they set mp q loud
hurrahl They all looked SO happy
and SO glad to see him. l said to him !:
''What is necessary for admission
here 2" He said : Utter restitution.
There is nothing denominational. We
have Roman Catholics, Church of
England people, Baptists, Consrega-
tionalists aud Independents, AND it
don't make a bit of difference who
they are, SO long as they are utterly
dpstitute." He gathered around him
24O boys. and made them go through
their exercises, and asked me to speak
to them. l could not say anything.
He SAID :."You must say something. "
After the speech he had 24O boys
all throngiug round him. He said i:
What are twelve pennies" "a
shilling" they shouted. "And what
are twenty shillings?" A "pound."
time twenty ?" "24O." "Well, here
is a sovereign-that is a penny each"
And he threw q sovereign to them.
"Now." he said, 81 should like you
to come with me to the infirlnary /;
for we have an infirmsry, and we
have a quarantine. TOO, and some OF
our inmates need them both. In the
intirmary there is q boy now dying
of consumption, and he would not
like 1t if | went away without seeing
him" We went, and the boy in the
little bed frightened up, aud his poor
face lightened as he recognized hi,
visitor. The nurse said, "He is al
ways SO glad to sec Mr.. Spargson.''
Looking around the room, Mr.. Spur.
geon said, You have some prcciou,
promises here. Do you love Jesus
very mueh? He loves you better
than you love Him. 1t seems very
hard for you to lie here aud cough so,
while the other boys are playing and
laughing outside. Nurse, did he have
a good night ?" ''No, sir !; he coughed
all night" "Ah! am sorry for that.
1t seems very hard fer you to under.
Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1880-04-24

room for the returning prodigal.
Plenty of room in the world for sIn-
ners in satins and laces and furs for
pomatumed and crimped and rlzzled
and banged sinners. With Chester
field p%oliteness we hold open the
pew-deors that they may enter, and
pass them the contribution box with
an apeloge,ic air while they daintlly
open the gold hinges of their ivory
Partisan port-monnaies. and pushing
the $40 gold pieces with their dia-
mond fingers down into the bottom
of their purses, draw out as an otter
ing for the Lord-ene cent: Plenty
of room for such as these, but none
for the poor. wretch whe has openly
stunned and wants to return to his
fathers house. Mr.. Talmage closed
his sermon with a series Of trite re-
marks concerning jealousy and envy.
as shown by the Individual whose
portrait he had undertaken 10 ex-
hint
Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1880-04-24
INTERESTING FACTS IN A hut
SHELL.

Measure 2O9 feet on each side aud
sou will have . square acre within
an inch.
An acre contains 1900 .qusre yards.
A square mile contains $40 acres.
A mile is $3.50 feet or 1850 yards in
length.
A fathom is six feet.
A league is three miles.
A Sabbath days journey is 1855
yards (this is eighteen yards less than
iwo-thirds of q mile.
A days journey is thirty-three and
me eighth miles.
A cubit is Two feet.
A great cubit is eleven feet.
A hand (horss measure) is four
inches.
A palm is three inches.
A span is ten aud seyen-sighth
inches.
A pace 10 three feet.
A barrel of flour weighs 196
pounds.
A barrel Of pork weighs zoe
pounds.
A barrel of powder weighs twenty.
five pounds.
A firkin of butter weighs fifty-si1
pounds.
A tub or butter weighs eighty-foul
pounds.
Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1880-04-24

Each package Of siNFoRD.s RADICAL CURE
contains DR.. Senford's Improved Jnhaling Tube,
with full directions for its use IN ell cases. Price
&100. Sold by eli wholesale and rctsil druggists and
dealers Throughout the United States md CanEdas.
WEEKS & POTTER. General Agc-;o AMI Whole
sale Druggists, Boston, Mass.
Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1880-04-24
The value Of this remedy must not be cverlookt
in the cure of those
SYMPATHETIC DISEASES,

Affections OF the Eye, Ear. Throat, Lungs and
Bronchial Tubes which in many cases
q severe case of Cararrh. The innamed and dis
eased condition OF the mucous membrane is the
has been brought properly undrr the influence Of
the RADICAL CURE, perfect freedom from them
cannot be reasonably expected. ~
It Is but three years since RADI.
CAL CURE was placed before TIE public, but in
California, and Is everywhere acknowledged by
druggists and physicians to be tie most successful
preparation for the thorough treatment of Catarrb
ever compounded. The fact will be deemed OF
more importance when it IS coupled with the state
ment that within I've years over go different
remedies for Catarrh have been placed on sale, and
today, with one or two exceptions, their names
Advertising may succeed in forcing q few sales.
but, unless the remedy possess undoubted specific
medical properties. Il Is absolutely certain to fall
into neriteG oGscur:ty-
Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1880-04-24
COLLINS VOLTRIG PLASTER

Sole by all Wholesale and Est:ii D-;:s-is.
throughout the United States ard GsnaGa,. .r4 l.
WEEKS & POTTER Propri.to-s, E~s;o!.. E:s
Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1880-04-24
Weeklg- gntelligeufer,
OFFICIAL COUNTY PAPER.
RA1ES.

Subscribers to the Iutelllgencef can obtain our
Clubbing Rates on foreign papers and periodi-
Gals at any time during the year. In addition
to the above We extend TO our subscribers the
benefit of lowest cllb rates to all other leading
magaxlnes and periodicals.
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1880-08-14

as I was finishing it he began to cool
of, and at the same time to take an in
terest in the sign. Got . family?' said
]. Yes said he. Young uns, too,
may ber Yes said he, again. We'll.
now said l, 'ain't you ashamed of
yourself, to let your temper get the
better Of you in this way? Think Of
the bad effect on the children. But I'll
paint it OUT No; leave it on. strang-
er; like it, he answered, and we went
over to the house together, which
proves that, when mans blowing of,
it's best not to sit on his safety-valve.
l went up the Mississippi with old Cap
tain feathers, in the sNatchez,' with
her smOke-stacks painted crimson to
signify that they would be burned red.
hot before she should be, passed; and
at the first landing l set to work on all
the rocks. The Old Captain was i'm
mensely tickled with the idea. Look
at that darned Yankr he cried to the
passengers. How long before you
start, CapY shouted I.S,..We'n wait
till you get through he answered, and
he did the same thing at every other
landing. But the newspapers have
made such an cutlery against the desc
Grafton of Nature, as they call it, that a
law forbidding it has been passed in
some of the States, and on the whole
rock painting is discouraged by our pat
rons. who think it spoils the sale of their
articles. and we are limited to bill
boards and fences. in which we've got
the prettiest business to be found. Yes,
I'm Yankee. and have gone through
life with one motto: Don't be BASH
full. and never allow yourself to, be set
down upon by nobody. Nv H. Ride
ing, in Scribner's Monthly.
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1880-08-14
THE UBIQUITOUS ADVERTISER.

THE procession of sandwich men"
the banners and transparencies, and
the various advertisements on wheels
are usually tinobjectionable, and lend
additional activity and. perhaps. inter-
est to the city streets as sort Of every
day carnival. But many advertisers
have exceeded both taste and discre-
ton, especially the proprietors of quack
medicines and patent soaps; they have
emblazoned the ridiculous names of
their wares upon the loveliest spots,
and have invaded the most sacred pre-
cincts of Nature with their undesirable
notoriety. The offense given to al
sensible people by their vandalism
counteracted any beneficial effect their
advertisements might have had. and
now, when there is scarcely promi-
nent cliff or bluff in a frequentedpa
of the country that is undefaced by
them, they perceive the profitlessness
of the method.
One thing about the otherwise mon
strous business compelled some degree
of admiration. 1t was the ubiquity and
audacity of the siSn-painter, who, in
many instances, must have imperiled
his life, TO accomplish his purpose.
When-last summer-whirling toward
the Pacific, we saw his handiwork high
up on the colossal escarpments of Echo
Canyon; again on the somber granite
cliffs of Weber: further west on the
arid rocks of the Humboldt; even on
the forlorn wigwams of the Piutes,
struggling over the fallow desert, and
continuously over the 6ierras and down
the golden valley of the Sacramento
sign after sign high above the level,
and often in positions the manner of
reaching which was inexplicaole Our
first impulse of Indignation was miti-
gated by faint stirring of admiration
for the pluck and impudence of the one
individual whose name under most of
the inscriptions indicated how COM
pletely he had done his work.
When we came back to New York,
We sought him out and found him. He
was neither penitent nor apologetic. 81
guess I've desecrated more Nature than
any other man in the United States"
he said, with cool defiance and twink
ling eye that told us he appreciated his
own audacity, land what of it? Iguess
pretty bit Of lettering's a heap nicer
than an ugly rock, and though Iuse the
word 'desecrate,' and whole crowd
of people and newspapers are blowing
at me, l guess I've 6eautifed more or
less every city in the United States.
I'm gazetteer of the United States;
not town or village amt been into,
and can paint s. mentioning the
name of a patent medicine) standing
on my head with my eyes shut. Often
do it with my eyes shut, too, especially
when they are tired and the suns
strong. Eve walked six times up and
down the Hudson; painted on rocks
while standing up to my neck in water,
and I've put up the name of Vitality
Bitters' on Lookout Mountain. Seen q
good deal of human nature, and had
many queer experiences in our business.
That was one at Lookout Mountain. I'd
slung myself up on face of rock. with
my brushes and pots, and was slap-dash-
ing away, when spat, something hit
the rock. supposed may be it was q
stone rolling from above, when lipos!
came another one, and spas! spat! spatt
spat! four more. Well, 1 glanced at
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1880-08-14
HUMOROUS.


BAD Buy WORDS Charge 1t to me. !"
-Mdrddton I''d'pendeN. "a t'-..- q lA-
4 WISE as the owl is ssid 70 be, he is a
bird liable to have his head turned very
easy N o. Hcdyune. 70 ss1,usss15s
If you want correct information about
any kind of business, ask the individual
who has never engaged in it, Rhitehall
1snes. .i.t--.u -, Id
He was from the mountain side, and
was buying his first glass of soda: II
wish you'd skim Off that scum. boss. I
amt pawn for no ,froth, YOU bet.
Norwich St0r. s,ne. ID ..iii.I H.sII
ONE swallow NAV NOT max. !. s,n.
NOR bnt one horso c,n =, q -, sr,.;r..
N y Graphic. And one small b0Y.
give him q cherry tree, can. make afaiL
'-Bostop Advertiser. = . % - a ! NO
"THIs srsnense IA t;Il;ngo. - map, sold
a murderer wbo was ,w,;s;no !. da.;s.,
ion "a IN wbatber be shonid II. or ~,
..Ob vo,, Wait I'll, tbav settis tha No.. ~
ter y said the, i.iisr '..von,II Sna n,'.
how snsren.s k;ljs 'Yor ao,,,rk.n-. ~
THING about It vet = Eon Esr. 1r n
-. "
~ a s..., .aaAI gen..e"sn. sIner-
~ Inoi" ueo.ty' consu's
v voJ asEsS ~ .ia1.a so A.,
-yy..s;~.i.sh.d a &C.,. wV, an S.
=: ~ "iv s,"'ncu SncAs' LES otoP
r. IT. ou H.e .osuS .oo mucn oDcou
rnae ING matter Win you. =
A"sse'1e',''" Cn'ph''c'e; ie.a - d 3
WE 0Itsn near q small gathering OF
men aiinded 70 as Knot OF men. VI
course u the gathering IS composed OF
Pugilists and burglars 1t may properly
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1880-08-14
IN THE DARK.

I WALK amid the darkness, and yet l know
the light
Is shining just above me in beauty, full and
bright,
And soon. perhaps, its radiance will fall upon
my sight =
walk amid the darkness, in silence sad and
dear.
But somewhere very near me, If could only
hear, =
The heavenly song is ringing in accents sweet
and clear.
walk amid the darkness. my feet are tired
and sore
o Father look in pity. cannot travel more.
How sweet I'd know that sometime this dark
ness will be Ger.
! walk amid the darkness. My way cannot
see, .. d .a.r.
But still know it tendeth, o Father, unto
Thee:
And so I'll journey onward, for Thou art lead
Lucy WhcsiOck.
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1880-08-14

~ uhc puuti nldTkS, Dut cOulQn zee
where they came from. Spat! again
five more spdts! This was beginning to
get lively, and stretched myself out to
make an investigation, and away down
below I saw mean old photographer
who took pictures of the fellows and
their girls who came to see the noun
tain. He was standing in the smoke of
his own revolver, and was loading it
again to pepper me because was paint
ing part Of the mountain that came
into the background Of his darned old
photographs, Well, dabbed away as
fast as l could; spat! six times more,
but l finished the sign and then va
mOosed. Didn't remonstrate with the
old man when 1 got down? No. sir;
you bet l didn't They shoot remarka-
bly, well in thst country, and it was
lucky for me me that l was Just out of
the old mans range.n IfifI III u
He was evidently exhilerated BY his
own recital, and, as he lighted fresh
cigar, his eyes were sparkling and his
face was smiling with immense salts
faction.
why, my partner, old MIN Brad"
he continued, "painted Kaiser Bitters'
on the pyramid of Chops. or whateyee
yon call him. and just after the wan 1
stuck up 'Bufo's Liver Fills in letters
three feet high around old Fort Sum-
ter. You see, got darkey to take
me over from Charleston in one Of those
little boats tliat they sail down there
closer to the wind than anything ever
saw before. The fort was unoccupied,
except by an old soldier. who showed
me all over the place. Have 8 drink,
corporate? said T to him, after while.
No objections said he, and we walked
and talked a little further. Pretty
lonesome here, Ell, Sergeantr Very,
indeed, answered the old duel, waxu-.
ing to me as I brevetted him grade
higher every two, OF three milutes.
.Ah,' said E'it's 4 tough old biz the
army, amt it, Lieutenant?' Faith, an
it is, upon me life,' said he. Well, I
brought my flask out again. and pressed
it upon him. Now look here. Captain
said l, you dop't mind me painting
sign around the old fort, do you?
Not bit. my son; paint rs much as We
plaza| heVsnswered quite wiling
~, anu .n"e - wenbN AVA WokAs MI
ishing the lettering before shutdown.
That little business nearly got me
into trouble; it raised an awful dust,
and ! left Charleston in hurry. Nearly
as bad asthe tineIwh@ vH Painting
DR.. Didler's Elixir Of Life On a bee
hive. was walking along the railway
track with my pots and brushes. and
saw the hive. which was in an A No. l
position. bound to be seen by every
body in the trains. l stole up to it and
shattered on the paint, taking care not
to make much noise. BUZZ! one little
fellow came to look at me, then an
other, and then a score or more all at
once. They didn't seem to object-in
fact, seemed to admire, the richness of
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1880-08-14

AT recent farmers meeting, q
speaker gave recipe for making farm-
ing pay, as follows: Have but one
business, and get up in the morning and
see to it yourself"
Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1880-08-14

milk, and then wanted the prayers Of
the church because tho Lord took 10
away. .Nt'af lEsQ.HF
IT Is claimed that new Swedish
gun (adopted by the Russian nayy) is
even more deadly than the Calling 1t
can be carried up into the maintop il
necessary. raj - '.i - gf d'Fs q
In an article on pompous business
people. the Leeds (Engiand) Esprcss
says that thousands of dealers in the
world become bankrupt every year
through incivility.
A NEGRO washerwoman goes every
day to the depot at Richmond. Va, ex-
pecting to meet q man who told her ten
years ago that he would return and pay
bill due for washing 81 s.sslas - -
In olden times English boroughs and
shires often found it very dillicult TO Sc
cure suitable representatives,. The in-
tense anxiety to secure seat only began
about hundred years ago.
CROWDS Of excursionists 90 M
nightly BY the railway to see ves,ivius
illuminated by electric light. The
traffic at night is greater than in the
day time, and there are not enough
cars to meet the demand; ,..t..m-.-. +.
THOMAS NORMINGToN. Of Erie, Pa,
aged eighty-five, blind of one eye, lame
in one limb, and married to his fourth
wife, has papers TO show his military
service under George I'LL. Georges w..
William w, and Queen Victoria His
back Is scanned all over with the sears
Of fearful logging he received for alb
senting himself four days without leave.
IT is puzzling to the male intellect
to observe a young lady walking up the
street with the sun directly in front Of
her, holding over her shoulder the par
asOl which is supposed to be carried for
shade, and allowing the sun to shine full
in her face. The male intellect does
not at once grasp the fact that the par
sasol has silk lining whose color exact
ly hsrmonizes with the young lsdy's
complexion--Ne,cark Sunday Call
The Count d Hauteriye, member OF,
thedParis New Club, had three duels
within six days. The first ne fought
against NJ Frenzy, the son Of the fsr
NOUS financier who was for many yearsui
Governor Of the Credit iFoncier. The d
weapon was the sword, N. Frenzy was
woGnded. me 9PPohen. M ths secono !,
auei was Eount Laruare,; 'ne oroIner-
Count Mirafiori. 1t was fought with
sabers, and Count Hauterive again
wounded his adversary. The third duel
was fought with pistols. and once more
'ne count got tne pest Oh W. = Du ~ .Ho''iin
THAcKERAY claimed to know some
thing Of human nature and he advised
his friends not to depend too much
upon the face in Judging people. As.
an illustration he tells how he once fol-
lowed a man with the ugliest face he