The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1880-05-06
WAITS AND WHIMS.
A DEAD sure thing-man's mortality.
NEVER hit a mustache when it is

CHE was in the Legislature one year,
I believe; but wouldn't say anything
about that. Otherwise his life was free
from blot"
A MEDICAL student says that he has
never been able to discover the bone OF
contention, and desires to know if it is
not the jaw-bone.
"THE papers talk about civil engi-
neers," said old Mrs. Briggs. won
der why there amt no civil conduc-
TORS" Nobody could tell her.
The HON Jrnl sticks to its spelDg
with a prstncy worthy betr koz. The
language bgns to LUX like a vetrn ov the
lat war, minus wun arm and both legs.
"PHILADELPHIA policemen get So a
day and found" says an exchange:
Don't believe it. No one ever could lind
Philadelphia policeman.-Boston Post.
PARAGRAPHERs generally nave good
deal OF fun at the expense of the wo-
men; but they don't have bit more
than women do at the expense of the
men.
BFLvA LOCKWOOD, says the Picdyune,
is very kind-hearted, and when she sees
a poor sick woman in Washington she
always inquiries, Have you Ben Hill,
dearP'
ais your wife's name Margaret ''asked
the hired man. "No," said the far
pler; "Margy's short for oleomargarine,
and calls her that cause I don't love
any but her."
THE present and even popular style of
making love while holding on to the
gate sweetly obtained at that time. Ro.
neo predicts of Benuolio: Thou wilt
prop a gate."-Puck.
"SQUEAK, squeak, squeak" said a
heavily loaded wagon which was going
through a deep mud-hole. If you'll
hold your tongue" said the horses,
"we'll pull you through"
A JERSEY CITY paper wants to know
what is total abstinence. Total abstinence,
says the Albany Times, is one OF the
results of being-say, cast away on
desert island with no chest.
THE Chicago Tribune says that "speed
the plow" is all wrong. 1t can't be
speeded and plow the land worth
cent. How a plow would look going
around a field at 2:30 gaitl
THERE was young fellow of Crete,
Had such awful corns on his feet,
That he never just knew,
Which was safest to do,
To cut off the corns or the feet.
Burlington Hdukeye.
"WHAr pretty children, and how
much they look alike" says G, during
a visit at friends house. "They are
twins,'' his friend explains. What,
both of 'em?" exclaims G, greatly in
terested.
EDITORS all unite in asking Edison to
invent a style of newspaper columns
| that will enable each separate advertiser
| to have a space next to the reading
matter, and at the top of the column.
There's millions in it.
"DoN'T you wish you was big manP
said one little urchin to another.
"K'rect do. Pm just dyin' to be big
enuff to git shaved an have one OF 'em
barbers powder me all over and squirt
cologne Juice at me-" was the reply.
Arkansas weekly publishes fourteen
rules to be observed during a tornado"
We don't see the suggestion included in
the list, but it is a good plan to keep
out of its path, and not stand in its way
and attempt to mollify it by soothing
language.
THIEF before the severe Judge: "What
q disgrace! Are you not ashamed, an
old man like you, to be brought here
accused of theftT' "Pardon me, Your
Honor; do not upbraid me underserved-
". began stealing when was very
young"
"GooD morning, James; fine day"
eyes; person feels good after his bath
on such morning" "Ye-yes." az
take a bath all over every morning
now" "Cold water?' ''No; air
temperature, always" When did
YOU commence ?' "1his morning."
The statue of Byron is to be set up
opposite that of Achilles, which was
erected in honor of the Duke of Well
ington. If any of the spirit of the poet
is transferred to the marble he will step
down from his pedestal and knock
Achilles into the middle of Hamilton
Gardens.
CT SAY, old lady," said a man On
country road the other day, "did you
see bicycle pass here just now? "No,
[ didn't see no kind of a sickle, mister;
but lust now I seed wagon wheel run
ming away with a man. You kin be-
lieve it or not. I Wouldn't if I hadn't
seed it myself"
AN Indiana girl sat waiting at the
window to 90 with her lover to an ice
cream parlor, when bolt of lightning
killed her in an instant. We do not
hold this up as warning, because the
young man had made UP his mind to
tell her that ice cream was unhealthy
Detroit Free Press.
IT was a colored preacher who said
to his flock: eve have a collection to
make this morning, and, for de glory of
heaven, whichever of you stole Mr..
| Toxoa1 &,,r Any,,f onUfn on
the plate" One who was there says,
"Every blessed niggah in de church
came down with de rocks
A POOR fellow up town fairly danced
with joy when the doctor told him he
had Bnght's disease. What will the
Smith girl say nowP he exclaimed,
triumphantly. "She always said there
was nothing bright about me. On, 1
guess not; but the doctors certificate
will show what kind of a hairpin am" :"
FwEoUENTLY thought, in fact aw
had partially wesolved, that would
nevah bothah myself about getting
marwied. To considerable extent it
is a gweat baw to have to fasten ones
self to female cweachah verwy pw OBJ
ably faw the wemainder of >one's exist
ence. A fellaw weally ought not to do
it, unless he is Desperately in love.
But that sort of thing has almost gone
out of fashion, except among the lowah
classes and barbarwians, or inhawbi-
tants in recently discovered countwies.
How People Get Sick.
Eating too much and too fast; swal-
! lowing imperfectly masticated food; U.S.