South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1880-04-09


OF the race: God bleess you, Mr.. p.
An sure. if do I'll leave the gate open
for you"
'Heaven is my home" were the last
words Of an Arkansas negro executed
last Friday. It is comforting to know
that the gentleman has no home In this
Country, anyhow.
"A Wisconsin clergy man preached on
the SIN OF transacting money matters on
Sunday. and when the deacon passed
The contribution plate not q person
would put a cent in it. And somehow
the preacher didn't feel fiattered ut the
cffe ct his sermon had.
A CLERICAL RKBUKE.-A comical
story Is told Of two well known Southern
clergymen. ono Of whom undertook to re-
Duke the other for using the weed.
Brother G." he exclaimed. without
stopping to ask any other questions, lis
1T possible that you chew tobacco ?"
II must confess do" the other quiz
city replied.
"Then i would quit it, sir" the old
gentleman energetically continued. 1T
Is very unclerical practice and q very
uncleanly one. Tobacco Why, sir, even
hog won't chew it,
Father C., do you chew tobacco %
responded the amused listener.
Il? No, sirr' he answered grufIly,
with much Indignation.
Then, pray, which is the most like
the hog, you or i =
The old doctors fat sides shook with
laughter as he said:
We'll, have been fairly caught this
time
AN ExTRAvAoANr WIPE.-He set
down the glass. smacked his lips. ran his
hand into his pants pocket for his peck
et-book, when n frozen look of consoli.
dated horror crawled over his face
Great Caesar my money is gone" he
exclaimed; cleft it at home in my other
pants two whole dollars. If nv wife
lays hands on it she will squander it for
clothes for the children, or some other
frlvolity," and with beads of perspira.
tion OH his brow as big as hickory.nuts,
he broke for home like a quarter horse.
n bridgeport attorney recently took
strong exception to ruling of the Court
that certain evidence was inadmissihle.
81 know, Your Honor, said he warmly,
that it is proper evidence. Here have
been practising at the bar for forty
years, and now want to know if l am
fool ~ That" replied the Court. lis
question OF fact and not of law, and
80 shall not pass upon it, bat let the
jury, decide"
A tramp we saw last summer called
his shoes 'Corporations,' because the
had no soles.
Old Lady TO eminent physician y
Tell me doctor, what 90 you consider
the most important rule of all for
heaith| Doctor (whose ideas run much
on the hygienic properties of soils and
air, &c y My dear madam, always live
IN gravel Old Lady (whose thoughts
take more gastronomic tuIn:) oh,
doctor! I'm sure couldn't digest itv
-Punch.
When brave 'voltigeur' of the i'm
perial Guard wrote from the Crimea to
his father in Alsace, asking him to send
him pair Of strong shoes and q five
frame piece, the father bethinking him
self of the telegraph's speed, put the
money into one Of the shoes and hung
the shoes upon the wires. An i'll shod
fellow coming along soon afterward
made an exchange; and the cd man
upon discovering the substitution went
home TO tell his wife that their boy had
not only received his new shoes but
had returned the old ones.
John Granger's Cat, of Milton Centre,
Va, was gone three weeks. She
brought home family of chickens, and
she puts them to bed every night,
Daniel O'Connel once met a a con-
ceited literary friend, and exclaimed
Il saw capital thing in your last PAM
phlet.' Did your eagerly replied his
delighted listener, what was it?' "A
pound of butter
A shrewd negro once remarked that
it wasn't drinking that killed his old
lnaster-ft was drinking between
drinks
a SECRET SOCIETY MANA New
Hampshire woman has a husband who
IS addicted TO joining secret societies.
One Of her exasperated outbursts is thus
reported by the Manchester mirror :"
Jne He'd jine anything, There can't
nothing come along that's dark and SLY
and hidden, but he'll jine. If anybody
should get up q society TO burn his
house down he'd jine il just as soon as
lie could get in, and If be had TO pay to
get in he'd 60 all the suddener'
'Iephaniah,' said his wife, with a chill.
ling severity i saw you coming out Of
n saloon this afternoon We'll, my
darling replied the heartless man, you