South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1880-07-16
WIT AND HUmoR.

him dear brother Dear brother =
echoed the doctor, in surprise. why |
notS' asked the priest. DO we not |
both aid the sick to dic?'
When the daughters are infants.
mothers are anxious to keep matches |
out of their reach. It's different when |
they grow up.
A well-dressed man was recently |
sitting at a table in first-rate hotel, |
and was served with soup. He look. |
ed up at the waiter, and said: NO, |
you can't come any soup dinner on
me. Bring me some things that l |
pay for-almonds, salmon, water
brushes, chickens, icc-cream, and that
ham with Champagne. Leave out
the Champagne, and I'll make it up
in beer'
Pedestrian (who has dropped a
dime IN front of the blind.0 why,
you COMPOUNDED humbug, you're not
blind =
Beggar. Not l, sir. IF the card
says l am, they must have given me
the wrong one. I'm deaf and dumb
Come here, sir, and 1 will settle
with you for your impudence yester-
day. said doting parent. No,
thank'ec, dad L have conscientious
scruplcs about receiving back pay
THAT PARTICULAR NIGuT.-Sever-
al days agoa man charged with steal
ing chickens was arraigned before an
Arkansas circuit court. The proof
against him was pretty strong, and
when the prosecuting attorney arose
he showed exactly how the defendant
lifted the chickens from the roost. n
lie described the surroundings andI
the excited haste of the prisoner, until
tho charged man arose and said
'Jedgc / reckon you'll lot me say u
few words No objection was ex-
pressed and the man continued Jest
set me down guilty
DO you plead guilty p
Il reckon I'd gist as well THIS
Teller is determined that I did steal
the chickens, an ruther than dispute
his word, for lie seems to be clever
sort Of feller, I'll let it go his way
'The question is, did you steal the
chickens
No, Jedge, was at pra'r-meetin'
on that night an can prove it, but
ruther than make the young feller
feel bad I'll let him have his way
You say you was at prayer-meeting
on that night
Yes, SIR
sIUbicl ,,;,.l4 Q,
why, on the night | stole the
Chickens
Ten minutes after his declaration
he was sentenced to the penitentiary
for two years.
A recently arrived foreigner lately
stopped at one OF ou hotels and ut
the supper table began to play fearful
havoc with plate Of hardboiled eggs,
scooping out the yolk and leaving the
white untouched. just as he was de-
vouring the tenth one the waiter re-
monstrated with him, calling his atten-
ton to his wastefulncss. Good era
cious, man, hc remarked, you would |
not have me eat ten vites, would you2
De yolk is der shichen und der vitcs
der fedders. Do you tlnks [ wants to
make one great bolster OF mine stom-
ach2'
DO not marry widowcr, said an
old lady; "a ready-made family is like
a plate OF cold potatoes 'Oh, III |
soon warm them over replied the
damsel; and she did.
They say the difference between a |
grasshopper and n grass widows-is-l
by heavens there is no difference.
They'll both jump at the first chance.
Its all very well, said hcnpecl<ed
husband, when told to look after the
children. It's all very well to tell me
TO mind the youngsters but it would
suit me better if the youngsters would
mind me-
Snodgrass says that two Young Ia
dies kissing each other is like an cm-
bIem OF Christianity because tbev are
doing unto each other rs they would
men should do unto them.
One touch of humor makes the
whole world grin.
'Of course, if they don't want "a
we won't stay here, is the way Mrs
Hayes feels about il.
a few days ago . Norwich Conn
man bought chest of tea u prny.
dence, Il. l., and on opening found "a
stone inside weighing eleven pouuJ.
ne remarked that the weighs Of Prov
idencc were worry mysterious
The fear OF infection caused Some
persons at Memphis to burn an nairI
clothing, end even tho praycr-bo.t o.
q deceased cholera potiouI was .o.
signed to the flames but six SOL
bills found on his person were religi-
ously preserved.