The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1880-02-07
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

tulhHio.
A tramp and Keely's motor are alike, lnasmuch
~ they won't work.
The earliest mention of neck.wear is that OF
Jobs three comforters.
The most comfortable hat man can wear III
cold weather 4. one that is little stove.
frog was recently found in Cincinnati beer
vat. Putting his hops to bad use.
Victor Hugo never heard Of Emerson. Poor
lingo, Billy Emerson is the best song and dance
man in the country.
The daughter of Mr. Welsh, late American
Minister in London, was very popular, lne io,,
don World says, for her repose oi ihan"ei anu
her eQuanmity.-EI.
Had kind Of sleepy look-as 1t were
Young man while attempting to Ak a "mis-
placed switch" on n young ladys head in ball
room. stepped on her dress and "wreckcd the
train"
While collection was being taken in church
in Heath, Mass, the pastor remarked that ne
would rather have buttons dropped into the box
than lead COIN because good buttons had some
value
The Kansas City Journal says that If George
William Curtis should be nominated for Presl-
dent, It could support him without scratching
But It would be an awful scratch that would elect
George William Curtis
Mary, we shall always miss you,
Gone will be your pleasant sElllc;
Had the oil can been much larger
You'd have gone about mile.
ASt. Louis editor who was converted under
Noodys preaching said in his next mornings pa
per: ave hereby forgive all our enemies. We
hope they will stay forgiven; bat we warn them
that they will have to behave themselves mighty
sharp"
The Kankakee Gazette rashly claimed that Kan
kakee contained 1000 souls, but on reflection
modified the statement. ave take that back,
There is one man here without u soul. The num-
Der is $3.50.
"Shall hereafter darn your stockings" is the
fashionable formula adopted by the Philadelphia
ladies for making cap.year proposal "Darned
il you do" is the popular but somewhat equivo-
cal reply.
A California boy stood an umbrella In public
doorway during q religious meeting. To this
umbrella was attached u strong cord, an end OF
which the boy held in his hand. Eleven differ
ent people were said to have carried the UNI
brella to the length OF the string.
An agricultural statestician figures 1t out that
there are IL 600 600 mich cows in the United
States As our cow has gone dry since he made
up his footinss the number is reduced to IL, $685.
900.
II you are in a thcatcr when it takes fire on the
iaas min to omar
before smoke or flames will injure anyone be-
yond the orchestra. Devote this time to picking
up watches and wallets.
The Greenback National Committee having
failed to secure the Exposition building in Chica
70 as place for holding their national Conven-
ton in June now negotiating for crippled
Pullman car to hold 1t in.
1t is said the great obituary poet Of the age
the illustrious q. Washington Chds-is about
10 electrify the world with his masterpiece OF
monumental lyrcs-a thrilling poem In COM
memoration OF the sudden narrowing decesse Of
the Grant boom.
The following verse cost the author his life:
When first saw my Susie dear
Twas on q summer eve,
And ever since her face l saw
I've reason to believe
That she has robbed me OF my heart;
And now that am free
j will be true to Susie dear
II she will be true to be.
rival lover OF Susie dear murdered the poet
and lived IN st. Louis.
The conductor OF a certain train on the Union
Pacific railroad charges that fly having alight
ed on one OF the glasses Of the engineers spec
tscles, the engineer thought 1t was Il buffalo or
the track ahead, and turned on the air brakes to
avert disaster. The engineer retorts that one
night the conductor saw what he thought was
the headlight OF an approaching locomotive He
kept his own train waiting a while and then,
somewhat confusedly, started her "IIe is the
safest man ever ran WITH" says the engineer
"Venus Is millions Of miles away, and he waited
twelve minutes on side track to allow her to
pass"
ave been talking with my sire
Mary mine! Mary nine!
And simply did inquire
II he would! Mary mne
When IL kinder raised his ire,
And he got as mad as fire,
And he said he'd kick me higher
Than the NJ, K. church spire-
Mary mine! Mary minei
II eyer did aspire
To thy hand, Mary mine!"
SAD TALE OF DISAPPOINTED HOPE.
She was waiting at the lattice,
Where the snowy plumed clematis
Translated for her gratis
What the breezcs sung and sighed;
And the dainty tendernesses
or the sunbeams on her tresses
Left her traced In the caresses
or the golden morning tide.
The linnets were a.coolng,
And the draper bees a-woong,
And the dews were interviewing
All the flower covered fays;
While lightly from the dingle
The zephyr, lone and single
Came up TO intermingle