The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1880-12-30
A Funeral Grafton.

AT Cne ItepuDl1Can JOlllHcatlOn at ClarInQa
Iowa, Democrat by the name of Lou B
Clark was called out and spoke as follows:
FELLow-C rTIzENs:-A man usually attends
his own funeral, but it is not expected that b..
should talk great deal. Laughter knew
the funeral ceremonies would not go on with.
out me so I concluded / had better bring III
the body. Laughter But it takes great
deal OF grace to sustain man VIII, helps fur
| nish the corpse for an occasion like this
Laughter Nobody but Democrat could
do it. [Shrieks and grins. 1t is certain that
no one save a Democrat has had chance to
try it for the last twenty years. [Shouts OF
applause.] Disappointment is the modern
Democrats birthright and mourning his nor
NAL condition. [Explosior] They took oul
patent on disaster 20 years ago and it hat
never been infringei. [Cyclones of applause. 4
The patent run out in 1876 and they have
just got it renewee. More applause Look
ing over the landscape Of the last 30 years
behold acres and acres of bursted hopes,
Smiles cords and cords of disgruntled am
billions, [shrieks. barrels and barrels of una
vailing tears, [grins oceans and oceans strewn
with wrecks Of phantom ships once burdened
with Democratic decisions. [Spasms.] Dis
appointment is an anchor to the Democratic
soul both sure and stezdfast Whoops and
COMMISSIONS.
Leaves have one time to fall
And flowers to wither at the north winds breath,
And stars to set, y, Democrat,
Thou hast all time for thine own death
[Suffering sobs.] I might say with Shy
lock, Suffrance, yea, suffer ance is the badge
of our tribe. [Grief] l could give you 1923
reasons for this [Shrieks.] A lawyer offered
sixteen reasons why his client was not in
Court First, he was DEAD. The judge told
first reason of 1923 is we lacked the voters.
laughter You will allow me to omit the
other 1923. [ApDlausive consent.] But could
give you more than 329 reasons, Yea. More-y
letter. [Howls.] John Kelley did it with his
little racket. General broadside. Wade
Hampton's mule broke his leg instead of his
beck, and Ben. Hill wasn't born mute. I'm
dian war dance.] English had foreclosed his
mortgages and we couldn't redeem. [Explo-
sion.] Then
IT'S the South that can supply
SOLID comfort while we die.
[Tableaux. In some States the Greenback
party fell through crack in their platform
and crippled us [Screams.] But Democracy
still lives. It's like the mule, it never dies.
But. unfortunately like the mule, while it
lives it is forever throwing lis riders. Demo
cratic sympathy.] 1t bucked Greeley off and
killed him in 1872. Tilden stuck on till
he passed under the wire but there was
so much daylight between him and this
Democratic quadreped the judges counted
him off, although he had his feet in the STIR
lups. Yoops and yawps]. This year we got
splendid send off and might have won, but
the donkey was stricken down in Indiana with
| (g) Landers. Applause. We close the chap
| ter of history with the hope the story will not
be continued in our next. [Gufaws] Weaccept
defeat the more cheerfully because of the mag
unanimous manner in which you take the vic
tory We take it every four years. 1t is a
standing prescription.-It might well be called
the quadrennial ipecac. [Cheers.] 1t works
up before election and works down as the re-
turns come in. [Shrieks]. We thank you fol
the unanimous way in which you have turned
out to our funeral. Vocal thunder.] We
congratulate you on the magnificent and inn
posing grandeur of the obsequies. Here the
speakers feelings overcame him and he retired
amid concurring earthquakes and applausivt
avalanches.]