The New Bloomfield, Pa. times. (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1877-188?, 1880-08-24
A Thick Headed Witness.

NO levlty, saiu the lawyer, sternly.
Now, sir, did you ever see the pris-
oner at the bar?"
TOOK many a drink with him at the
BARI
"Answer my question, sir" yelled the
lawyer. How long have you known
the prisoner Y''
From two feet up to five feet ten
inches.''
VIII the court make the"
I" have, jedge," said the witness,
anticipating the lawyer 81 have an
swered the question. L knowed the
prisoner when he was boy two feet
long and man five feet ten"
6 Your Honor"
"It's fac, jedge; I'm under my
OATH" persisted the witness.
The lawyer arose, placed both hands
on the table in front of him, spread his
legs apart, leaned his body over the
table, and said:
VIII you tell the court what you
know about this case ?"
"That amt his name," replied the
witness.
"What amt his name p"
Cease"
"Who said 1t was ?"
:" You did. You wanted to know what
l knew about this Case-his names
Smith"
Your Honor" howled the attorney,
plucking his beard out by the roots,
twill you make this man answer p'
Witness" said the judge, "you
must answer the questions put to you"
Land o. Goshen, judge hain't L bin
doin' ii ? Let the blamed cuss fire away.
I'm ready"
"Then," said the lawyer, don't beat
about the bush any more. You and
this prisoner have been friends p'
" Never" promptly replied the wit
ness.
"What Wasn't you summoned here
as friend?"
"No, sir. L was summoned here a
Presbyterian. Nary one of us was ever
Friends-he's an old line Baptist with
out drop of Quaker in him."
"Stand down." yelled the lawyer in
disgust.
"Hey ?"
"Stand down."
"Can't do it. I'll sit down or stand
up"
'Sherif, remove that man from the
box"
Witness retires, muttering, We'll, If
he amt the thickest headed chap L ever
laid eyes on"
Some of the Advantages of Free Press.
THE beautiful idea of getting some
i thing for nothing is nowhere more
readily traceable than in newspaper
office.
So much has been spoken, written and
sung about o +" free press" that people
have come to accept the term in sense
entirely too liberal.
If man has scheme of any kind
terminating, he just steps into the edi-
torial room and details it with the re-
mark, I'm not quite ready to adver-
tise yet, but a few words will help me
along" He gets the few words but
never gets ready to advertise.
Two tickets admitting lady and gen.
tleman to the :" G. r. X. M. T.'s Grand
Ball." are expected to produce six-line
local and quarter column description
of the ladies' toilets after the ball Is
over.
Church fairs and tho like are worse
than balls They never leave tickets
but demand more space, because it's 6
matter of news, and help to the
cause"
Should boy saw off his finger, " DIR
G. o. Plaster dressed the wound will
great SKILL" would be a graceful way o
saying 1t, and besides it is unprofes
sional' to advertise.
The patent rat-trap man brings in ont
of his combinations of wire and mouldy
cheese bait, sticks it under the editor
nose, and explains how they catch ZEN
every time the springs work. /" IT.
something of interest to the communit.
and If you put in piece save me dozel
papers," which he quietly walks OF
with, as though he had bestowed a favo
J in allowing editorial eyes to gaze oil
such marvel of intricacy.
An invitation to "come down AM