The Portland daily press., 1880-06-24


Garfield" Was Received-A Set OF Reso-
lutions Which Came to Grief-Tilden's
Withdrawal Strikes the Corners with a
Cold Chill, but the Report that Payne
Will Be the Man Warns Them Up.
The nooze nv the nominashun NV the liber-
ty-crushin, freedom-stranglin Garfield wuz re-
ceeved at the Corners Yesterday afternoon with
perfound surprize. Not one Nv us he'd antiss-
pated it. We he'd expected it wood be either
Grant, Blaine or Sherman, and 1 he'd spent
two days in Louisville, gettn together the nes-
sary aboose to be yoosed in the deestrik aein
them three men, but Garfeld's nominashun
makes that labor all in vane. 1 cant beet Gar
field by sayin that Grant wuz hoss-theef, or
that Sherman wuz bank-robber, or Blaine
ralerode recker. 1 shell hev to either wait ii
our committees git up their skandals on Gar
field or invent some myself don't keer about
it here in Kentucky, for it wood do Jest ez well
to yoose the Grant matter for Garfield, but
when go over into Injeany WHARF some NV
the Dimocrisy at leest kin reed, it wood be
difrent. My people here are difikult to ham
uiOp tuO uOt III tuo Sttlu0 way. w u6u GTaut y
name wuz fust perposed spoke NV him ez be-
in connectid with the whiskey ring Imme-
jitly the Corners broke out ez one man in
cheers for him, and he'd diffikulty to keep
em from organizin Grant club on the spot.
They admire man who kin beet the Guver-
ment in whiskey Deekin Pogram sed NV Gem
raj Grant, in Sunday skool, "He who perdooses
cheep whiskey is crater than he who conkereth
a Confederacy." The old saint is, NV late.
droppin into habit nv mixin his scripter.
Suthin he never docs with his likker
The moose struck us unfavorable. Deekin
Pogram, arter askin who Garfield wuz, sighed,
wat kin be expected nv republik WHARF
canal boat drivers and skool teechers aspire to
high of6ses?" Whoever the Democrisy nomi-
natld he wanted a gentleman, and drawin a
still longer sigh and remarkin thet the day for
good old Suthern gentility wuz gone and thet
the Guverment he'd gone into the hands NV
grovelin mekaniks and skoolmasters, he asked
Bascom to give him credit for drinks all round
wich Bascom promptly deklined to do, and the
deekin sot down dry-lipped and diskontentid.
lssaker Gavitt wuz NV the opinyun thet wen
party recklissly nominated so korrupt man
ez Barfeld Il immeiitly corrected him) well,
Garfield, thare wuz no hope for )the republik.
a candidate for the Presidency shood receive
1t from the hands of the people with pure
hands. 1t must come to him unbot, and fssa-
ker, puliin out the last S5 NV the $25 he he'd
received from Tilden to kerry our deestrik,
askt the deekin up to take suthin. The toast
wuz: "Tilden and his bari. May the one. last
Jest ez long ez the other" |r'lAf ,aa
Captain McPelter, wich wuz layin on his
back on Bascom's long table. remarkt that the
eleckshun nv Garfield ment room. 1t wood
be extingisher to enterprise, crusher to
honist labor and a squelcher Nv industry. The
captin wood hev gon on, but fetchin friteful
yawn he remarkt that his corn wuz suffrin fur
want Nv labor to hoe it, and turned over and
went to sleep, the flies settlin one by one on
bis noze. Ez he hedn't any money we let him
slumber.
Captain Podgers remarkt thet ef thar wuz
one thing above another that he worshipped it
wuz kentry in wich all men he'd ekal rites
1t wuz the corner-stun Nv the republic and
the foundashen NV the Dimekratic party. Ez
fur hisself--
The captin seein suthin in the street rushed
out in the middle Nv his speech. He returned
in few minits and washed his hands in Bas.
com's sink
"Wat wuz it, captin?" 1 asked.
"Oh, nothin. 1t wuz that nigger from Lin
rite to vote here last eleckshun. swore I'd
kill him ef he ever put his nose into this place
agin. I'd done it, too, only Jo Bigler kim
up afore he'd time to finish him. But he
wont never offer vote at these poles no
more"
Feelin that sum formal expression wux
nesessary from the Corners we organized
meetin, and l proposed sum resolooshens,
orally. In them resolooshens L denounst the
Republican party ez one that wuz sappin the
very foundaShens NV Amerikin liberty, and
that the safety Nv the kentry demanded that
the government NV the kentry be entrusted to
the Virchoo and Intelligence NV the Dime
kratic party Nv wich the Cross Roads wuz
shinin part. sketched these ruffiy with a
pencil and sot down to draw EN- out in full,
when the cussid chair broke under me-Bas-
CONS chairs are alluz brakein-and spraned
my wrist so that Good not rite.
Ez am the only Dimekrat in the Corners
ez kin rite, and ez no proud and hawty Cor
feriOr Afrikin, them resolooshens wuz not put
upon paper, and are lost to the party forever.
1t wuz pervokin, but my life hez been sue
cession nv disappintments. ~
Ez soon ez the Nashnel Dimekratic Com
nifty shell send me the nessary dockements
concerning Garfield, 1 shell take the stump
agin him, pervided alluz that they send the
sinOos NV war. For wat kin Dimekrat do
without money? 1 snuff the battle afar off.
and am glad the fray is at hand. 1 shell liv in
clover till November, anyhow.
PETROLEUM v. Massey,
(Champion.)
P, S.-A cold chill struck the Corners last
mite when the moose reached US that Tllden
wusn't a-goin to run. "Wat kin we do in the
Corners without his barl?'' asked Issaker.
And Bascom, wich knowed he'd git all that
wuz appropriated for this seckshun, wuz in
sich state Nv disgust that he threatened to
shet up at eight clock. Confidence wuz restored
however, by Subsequent snooze that he shood
hev Payne nv Ohio nominated and that Payne
he'd even bigger barl than Tilden. Then
Bascom smiled agin, and hope wunst more
illumined our noses. The Corners don't keer
wich gets the Dimekratic nomination so that
he hez barl and knows how to yuse it, Pos
sibly Payne wood be better than Tilden, for he
is new man and would hev to buy us all
over. Sich Nv us ez hev reserved money frum
Tilden held a meetin' and resolved that wat
Tilden he'd paid us shood not count for eny 9TH
or man. The moo man must commence
at the beginnin, jest ez Tilden did
Bascom wuz so elated at this prospeck that
he called for three cheers for Payne, and
set up drinks all around. Thus in the general
Sahara Nv my life there is occasional oasisses.
P. s. No. 2.-The Corners is wild with egg
sitement. A man from Lossiville arrived last
night, and sed it had been determined TO nom-
mate Payne Nv Ohio, and that he wuz not
worth cent less than five millions NV dollars,
and wuz more liberal even than Tilden. The
Corners is neerly crazy. We only wish the
copYeushun WIZ further off that their mita be