The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1880-03-20
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

Midnight brawlers-Cats.
Important il true-A wife.
Always tircd-Carriage wheels
The Great American dcsert-Pie.
Dr. Bradreths pilgrimage is DER
Problem-W Which is the butt end OF goat'
Always striking for wages-A blacksmith.
An appeal to the understanding-"Wipe your
feet"
Why should Logan be a temperance man: Be
cause Porter made him sick.
Why Is the rabbit courageous animal' Be
cause no cook can make 1t quail.
Rochester claims to have a woman with his
tory She's book agent.-pord
Lydia Thompson having left the stage, the
Syracuse Hcraid concludes that she is living an
attlred life.
The Gar escaped blowing up because he was
late to dinner. With most married men the case
Is exactly the other way.
There is no fish in the world that will increase
in weight like trout after it has been pulled from
the water.
John A. Logan claims n right to have his own
SpinioIs Let him have them. Nobody else
wants them.-Boston Post.
Alexander H. Stephens is growing fat. At the
end of the war he weighed seventy-one pounds
now he weighs ninety three.
Dakota girl has married a Chinaman. He
had some difficulty in explaining the state OF his
heart, but she finally got his cue.
The Boston Post has discovered humane
butcher, who whistles "Pinafore" airs to the AMI
mails and makes them want to be killed.
Up to the present time Blaine has had all the
boom and Grant has got the delegates. This can
hardly be called fair division.
Bob Ingerso,l, says Washington correspond
,ent, Is about TO take up his residence in Chicago.
Well, Bob always did say he wasn't afraid OF b -
Chicago. ...4
A tramp who was clamoring for bread or
blood" was kicked into slaughter house In Pco-
ria Last week and told to help himself
After she had eaten an enormous dinner Smith
objected to his wife being kissed by her cousin,
because he didn't want to see her busscd.
A Tennessee man can 30 perfectly initiate the
sounds made by two dogs engaged in fighting
that he can call Memphis congregation out OF
church in three minutes
II O jury will send a man up four years for
stealing a FIVE dollar watch, what ought they to
give man for stealing two dollar newspaper
for four or Ave years!
. Doctor-"You must drink claret to build up
your system" Patient-"Oh, don't ask me to do
that doctor. am wine merchant know how
: It's made."-Bafalo Express.
f.. "Yon eorgeously attired dame is the Duchess
; of whaty' asked Yankee spectator at n royal
reception at Buckingham Palace. ''She hlsnt u
Duchess hat all, )" said the gold.stick in waiting,
''but ear as 'ow she be the wife OF han Hamer-
f, lean plumber"
There is good deal Of courage about those
Indiana Republicans. In going for Blaine they
have indicated that while some Republicans are
too weak. knccd to face Grants civil service re.
cord, they are ready to face even the Mulligan
letters.
Now that the paragraph fend has taken hold
Of the fifteen puzzle it will soon become great.
er nightmare and horror than Pnaforc. We
give n few specimens to show its wit strangling
power:
"Pinafore" was bad enough without this new
misery Of trying to pin n fourteen between the
10 aud the 15.-Brookiyn Union Argus.
''Fifteen- ball pool" is rather a fashionable
game, but the Commercial ADVERTISER says 1t il
nothing to "ffteen- block fool"
1.-THE game Of fifteen can be worked. Seven
and eight are the trying numbers but they will
come all right II properly manipulatcd."-R b.
Hag@.
"Oh, hubby, dear, I've called you twice,
Your dinner is quite done"
Just wait moment" shrieked the man,
awe got 'em all but onen'
In a westsidc drug store
The learned dispenser sits,
Carefully asserting
Wood in little bts;
Just behind the bottles
That he keeps the port in
He sits alone and mutters.
n-iitecn-fourtecn!"
Ger the puzzle Brown is bending,
Never once his strained eyes iftin'--
See! He thinks at ast he's triumphed
MOI tits "a ---l3---l5
Once again he tries the puzzle,
Puzzle that there's fatal sport in
Ha! He's got it now! Not much, he
Hasn't, l3----l5-----H
Long he pauses, long he pOnders,
Now he thinks he's got 1t certain,
Moves the figures very slowly
Pshaw! tits l5-----li----l3
See! his eyes dilate and glisten!
Into madness he IL driftin!
One more victim for the asylum,
CraZad by l3--l4----l5.
American tradcsmen can claim no genius for
advertising. 30 long MS they are easily beaten by
a Reylin prncpr who Tins informs the nuhlic