Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1880-11-05

And III Trying 10 MAKE II 90 lOuueI,
lie succeeded SO well
That ms friends couldn't tell
HIS remains from disl OF clam chowder.
Yale Record
The wife who, when her husband was
brought home intoxicated, thanked God
he was not blood relation, had high
sense of family pride.
While on the Peninsula, during the
war. an officer one day came across prl-
waite soldier belonging to one of the most
predatory companies of the Irish Brigade.
The fellow had the lifeless bodies of a
goose and hen tied together by the heels,
dangling from his musket Where did
Won steal those, YOU rascal? % the officer de-
handed. steal is it ? Faith l was march
ing along with Color Sergeant Mcguire,
and the goose-bad cess to it-came out
and hissed at the American flag. and be-
dad l shot him on the spot But the
hen. sir, how about the hen ?" Its the
hin. is it," Bad look 10 the hin l
caught herlaying eggs for the rebel army,
and as Federal soldier L couldn't stand
that anyhow, and L give her lick that
stopped that act Of trason,"
Some savings of Josh Billings -
Truth Is said to be stranger than tick
suul-lL lS ~ SOlAIt IAlOlAS.
Fiattery Il like colone water; to be
smelled OF, not swollewed.
Ii young man haint got well-bal-
anced head, | ike to see him part his hair
in the middle Don't you ?
The iutidel argys Just az a bully duz
chaned to post. He bellows and paws,
but he don't git loose from the post, |
notiss. Not much.
| hav seen men SO fond OF argument
that they would dispute with guideboard
at the forks ov a kuntry road about the
distance to the next town. What fools
\ darky came TO Galveston justice of
the peace and asked for a warrant for the
arrest of Jim Webster. What's he
lone,' "He stole my chickens dars
de fetidcrs in the yard. ''How do you
know those feathers belonged to your
chickensy Il kin prove 1t by Col. Jones,
but doesn't like TO have him brung inter
court, case he is modest like" What's
the matter with Colonel JOnes?" "Noth
ing boss, but 10 tell the troof, cher since
L stole his chickens | looses all conf
dence in the man as he looks me squar IN
lie face.-GaLreStoa Ne1cs.
I'm on the press" said john Henry,
as he folded his girl IN one sweet embrace.
well, that S no reason why you should
try to pi the form, she replied, as she re-
arranged her tumbled collar
A merchant whose time for the past
wear has been much taken up that lie has
been unable to remain at home except at
mealhme, concluded to take vacation.
4 friend asked him where he intended to
90, and he SAID he thought he would go
home and get acquainted with his family.
Rome .ScHtulet.
Unto an Oxford professor, married
late in life, a child was born. That child
has now advanced to the mature age of
three years. "A charming little fellow y
saw all the professors friends. "Yes, yes,
replied tine learned man, dejectedly, but
L tail to see in him the least leaning to-
ward the exact sciences.
A Kentucky woman, ninety-nine years
old, not only walked three miles to attend
a circus the other day, but she saved fifty
cents bv crawling under the canvas.
4 young man in Yale college went to a
BARRIERS shop to be shaved. 1t was the
first time that any other hand than his
own had performed that operation, and he
had allowed his beard to grow for week
in order to appear us if he needed shay
ing. He sat down IL the chair. The
barber passed his hand lightly over his
sEeek and said: Shaved once to-day,
slr, haven't you:
There was man In our tOwn,
lie was vUnd.cus Wise.
lie tEuugh' his business would run Itself
AID he u4dnt adyeltsc
Wei, business was dull at first.
Eut better times came, and Ii's queer,
oIc day with rush he sold all his stun,
BGt tue sheriff was auciloaeer
Theological professor asked his class
the question whether they could think of
any reason why the grave Of Moses should
have been SO strictly concealed and
simple youth who unfortunately stam-
mers, thought it must be because
they would t'take him up and st-stuif
him"
A dentist. love. makes teeth Of bone
fog thoa= whom late has left without,
And finds provision for his own.
BY paIlug other peoples out.
The Elmira Free Press tells this one
will you oblige me with light 2" said
one gentleman. "Sir," said the other
gentleman, Indignantly, do you take me
for torcl-light procession ?"
It was at late quarterly meeting Of the
Seventh-Day Baptist Churches in Wis
consin that two clergyman were to pre-
sent papers on the same day, and the
question Of precedence having arisen,
Mr.. 4 spraug TO his feet and said, Il
think Brother i ought TO have the best
place on the programme; he is an Older
man than am, and besides, is full Of his
subject" When the audience remem.
bered that Bother B's subject was ''lhc
Devil" a cheerful smile seemed to bean
around the assembly.
johnny. Won must nCyeruse tobacco,
said a fond mother, ''even the hogs don
do that. Il know they don't, dear man
ma. and hogs don't go to heaven, neither,
and Johnny went out soon after and hic
two cigar s;umps under TIE doorstep
,StcuJca.Utc UcrdH
wife vio lad haou iccturngher hus
.i..4...... coming home intoxicated he
came ilcsuscd at his Indifference, and OK
claimld: "Oh. that / could wrng tcaI
of anguish from your eyes - To whicl
the hardened wretch hiccoughed: 'Tai
tain't no use, old woman. TO bo-bore 70
water here"