Ashtabula weekly telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1880-1886, 1880-08-27
AN EsPIODE OF THE CENSUS.

AN ESPIODE OF THE CENSUS
Probably the meanest piece oi
cold blooded deception ever practic
ed on a woman occurred out in West
ern Addition the other day. Il
seems that the belle of that import.
ant suburb of our municipality is 9
Miss Susan Smiley, and whom a
vigorous rumor, kept in circulation
by her less favored sisterhood, cred.
tied with being n desperate little
tiirt-in fact what Billy Rice, the
minstrel, used to call false hearted
croky. At all events her affections
were of sufficiently lndefinate quail.
ity to cause her two most favored
visitors to look upon each other with
the most vindicitive feelings common
to hated rivals. These gentlemen
who were respectively a city hall
clerk, with eye glasses and freckles,
named Pliff, and a red.headed dry
goods manipulation named Digs
occupied the intervals devoted to
gloomily sitting each other out three
evenings week to fruitless attempts
to discover which of the two was
really the coming man in the matri-
mOnial race, so to speak
Last Thursday morning Miss
Smiley, in response to a business
like ring, admitted a middle-aged
party with black beard, and wear
blue goggles and long ulster.
81 am taking the census, num-"
he said, opening the fiat book on the
piano and getting out some blanks,
Gust look sharp, please, and answer
the necessary questions"
Miss Smiley trembeled a little, as
women always do when talking to a
government officer, and said shed
would try.
"Lem'me see-your names Sniff.
fey, l believe-first name?"
"Susan."
"Middle name?"
"Havn't got any, SIR"
"Come, now, young woman, no
prevarication. Are you sure you
haven't got a middle name some
where, and you are trying to con-
ceal it?"
"No, sir, indeed haven't" said
the young lady, turning very pale.
81 wouldn't deceive you"
"You'd better not, mum. The
penalty is twenty-five years at hard
labor.
"Gracious mel"
"Fact, mum. Now, then, let's see
what's next. All! yes--how often
married"
"Not once yet"
"Ahum! Going to be, l s'posei
Been asked, ehP"
"Oh, yes, sir; several times"
"Call it six times" said the census
man, making an entry. "What's
next? All, yes-is your back hair
false?"
"M-m-must l answer that?"
"Of course you must. Don't
trife with the United States Gov
ernment, mum. Come now"
"Well, it's sorter; that is kinder"
"That'll do; we'll call it mixed.
Teeth sound.
"Don't get excited. Let's see
I'll put your age down as twenty
five. The United States never al
lows us to take a woman's age on
oath, They will lie; can't help it, ]
guess"
"I'm Just eighteen. l don't care
whether the government likes it OF
not" said the citizeness snappish'
ly.
"Of course, of course; they all say
that. Pay attention please. What
size corset?"
"Eh?"
@Must answer, mum. Remember
the penalty. How many inches
around the waist?"
"Well, if you must know, sixteen.
but I think it's just shame"
"No remarks, please. Ahem.
Well call it nineteen. They gen
orally throw off about three inches
I find. Size of shoe?"
"Two-but l can wear one and
a"
"I'll return you as number 4
That's about what a 'threer' always
says. Any beaux?"
"W-w-what?"
81 say any beaux?-and be very
careful about your answer, mum
The Washington authorities are
very particular on this point. Has
every thing to do with the next cen
sus, you see. Now, how many
sweethearts?"
"Well-of course-there are some
gentlemen coming here-and-"
"Of course there are; I've got you
down in the good looks space as
"A. A. /. l. handsome.' So of course
! you have plenty of admirers. All