Daily Republican., 1880-03-04
HUMOROUS.

| ~
my son yesterday"
"Yss, ma'am, | sold 1t myself" re.
piled the clerk as he looked at the gar.
ment.
"Did You tell my son that this dus'
ter could be worn either TO picnic,
funeral, bridal.party or quarterly meet
ing"
~ did, madam, and 40 1t cam"
"Did you tell him It made good ay-
blanket when not otherwise needed ~
:" did,"
"That II could be used as . boat-sail,
q stretcher, q straw bed and a bad
spread 2"
"Yss, ma'am, l did,"
"And that many people used them
as table-covers p
81 did,"
Sand that they would last for years
and then make excellent stuff for rag
carpet :"
~ did,"
"And you only charged dollar :"
"Only q dollar, madam"
swell, when John came home last
night and brought the duster and told
me all you said, made up my mind
that he must have been drunk, and l
was little afraid he stole the garment.
| am glad 1t is all right"
at Is certainly all right, madam,
and since he was here yesterday we
have discovered that the duster Ia q
great conductor Of sound, preventive
Of sunstroke, and that no man with
one on his back ever dropped dead Of
heart disease"
"Land save u.s." she gasped, as she
waited for the bundle, "but who knows
that they won't fix 'em 80 fore long
that they'll raise q mortgage off the
farm"
A tavern-keeper on the San. Bruno,
CAL, road was aroused the other night
by an antiquated old granger, who sat
over the front wheels Of an open lum-
Der wagon, and who was evidently
much disturbed about something: ~
say, mister" said the rustic, scratch
ing his head with the butt Of his whip,
'this here's the road to Frisco, amt
It ?" Certainly; but old man what
have you done with your hind wheels ?"
Great Scottl" exclaimed the old party
'ubbing his specs and looking behind
,im, "if l haven't gone and lost them
wheels. That explains the whole thing.
seemed like I'd been going up such an
sll-frsd long hill / was beginning to
hink had lost the way"
The late Rev. Mr.. Foote Of Fetter-
,airn, having occasion to attend mar
'iage party on Saturday evening, was
sbout to retire at an early hour, and
lad bidden the company goodnight,
when one Of his own pensioners, q
armer who seldom attended church,
md who had always something to say,
emarksd, SAY, ay, sir, ye'll be gaun
swa' hame to thresh your Sunday
trae !" "Indeed; Mr.. g., replied the
worthy clergyman. "you desire 30 little
odder, | think | might even give you .
heat without threshing it,"
"Ah, you don't know what musical
is ~ said music. mad miss
o Hood. excuse me, madam, but |
hink do" swell, what Is it, Mr..
Iood ?" Musical enthusiasm is like
urtle SOUP" answered the wit, thought
ully. "What do you mean, Mr..
iood ?" answered the lady. "What
'ossible resemblance is there =" ]
why, for every quart Of real there are
inety nine gallons of mock, and calves,
lead in proportion /"
A new explosive compound has been
isoovered by an Austrian scientist,
'hich is said to possess greater expan
i've power than any substance hereto
pre- known. Something OF this kind
'as needed. When man is blown up ]
nth nitro. glycerine or dynamite, a few
ieces OF his remains are discovered,
yer which 1t in necessary to hold a 9
lneral. This new explosive compound :
is supposed, will prevent this trou- t
le and expense.
Why is a handsome woman like q
No-No-you're wrong.
is not because she sometimes draws =
long train 1t is not because she in i
alges in sparks it is not because she I
as something to do with switch; it =,
not because she transports the males; r,
Is not because she may have q head :
ght; it-in fact, q handsome woman
not like looonotive-not even when +
10 gets little fast and blows up her x
"
A gentleman who took rather broad =
ew Of things in general recently lost I
Is wife. Seeing him q few days after r. 1
ard, and without any badge Of mourn II
g, friend demonstrated, and hinted 5l1
hen so close relation was broken, r
le courteses Of life demanded some
'oognition Of 1t in the style of dress. \
Quite true," he replied, "but don't a
~ see, Maria was no relation of mine; al
only married her, and why should l TO
1t on black ?"
'Oh, DOCTOR said an anxious mother, 7
the family quarantine, what can 4
N do for my boy : He sits around 4
o house, and wants boiledchicken all
q time.' There is nothing very SER
us the matter, madam. The boy has =
fowl stomach, that 10 all. Give him I
few eggs for change. a
A New Jersey milkman committed 20
icids last week by hanging himself =
a COW shed. 1t is presumed that he l
rgot TO water his milk that morning, Il
ID the thought of 1t drove him to this =.
sh act.
Sweets to the sweep: Goody- "And r
lin wull yer be gettin up, sor? Sure, i
want to come mp and swape." I'm ~ ~
rgrad.-"Oh! go way, Goody. When in,
u come up and sweep. I'll get % and -