Nebraska advertiser., 1880-08-19
MONTANA'S GOATS
a Momentous Matter.

business OF the census bureau, says:
The special thing which is operating
on them all now. General Walker
among the rest, is why there are only
two goats in Montana Territory; how
they came to be there; why one should
not be as valuable as the other, and a
hundred other things about them. 1t
is desired to know whether both are
males are females, and if they are of
opposite sexes, that they are not put
on the same farm instead of being hun
dreds of miles away from each other.
According to the report on the wealth
of Montana, there are but two goats
| in that Territory. The census Office
clerks thought there must be some
thing wrong about this, so they wrote
to the Auditor of the Territory to look
it up. They argued and convinced
themselves that there must be more
than two in SUCH big country as Mon
tana. But the Auditor answered that
the reports of the enumeration showed
only two. The Auditor also reported
that one of them was on a farm at one
side of the Territory, and the other at
the other end. He gave the names of
the farms they were on and their own
ers. The census office clerk held an
indignation meeting over the informa-
| ton, and resolved that the Auditor
was lying. The discovery was made
that one of the goats was valued at
SO, while the other was assessed at
only s.. The census clerks then made
up their minds, individually and col
lectively, that they had the Auditor
certain. A letter was framed asking
him to explain the wonderful difference
in the valuation of the two animals.
1t was also suggested that possibly he
may have overlooked the existence of
other goats in the Territory, and if he
would be so kind as to make a special
inquiry he would Oblige the census of
flee and probably perfect the other
wise unusually correct enumeration of
Montana"
The Auditor of Montana answered
in week or so. He said he did not
desire to be quarrelSOme or unaccom-
mOdating. but that if he was bothered
any more about those two damned
goats" he would know the reason why.
He added in explanation that the
reason why one was put down at SO
was because he was worth SO, and
that the one put down at So was worth
but So; that he had done his whole
duty and did not want to hear any
more about the matter
| Strangely enough every word in the
letter of the Auditor was written plain
except the adjective damned" 1t
was thought by some to be "hundred."
This would make it appear that there
were tive hundred goats in that Tel
ritory, which was agreed to be some
thing more like it. 4 council of war
was held, and it was declared that not
withstanding it might further agitate
the Auditor to be asked again to explain
his figures, yet it must be done. A
| Virginia clerk, Imam who ''haS a rec
ord as brave man, was requested to
address letter of inquiry to the Audi
tor again, asking him if he wanted to
be understood as saying that there
were 200 goats in Montana, and if so
to state what counties they were i'll,
and that the census Office, or at least
the wealth, debt and taxation division
of it, would be glad to know the fact
| in the case. The letter wound up with
the remark that this was no trifling
matter, and that while he may be the
Auditor of Montana, it must be remem-
| bered that the Census Commissioner of
the Nation, with a big n (the Virginia
man was Republican with a big r.,
wanted the information, and that if it
was not sent one of the numerous reg
imentS of the army, which has one of
| ficer to every eleven men, would be Or
dered there to take the information,
even if it had to be taken over his dead
| body. The Virginia man added in
closing that he came from Virginia,
and although he was now clerk in
the census Office, he was a gentleman
and was rich man before the war.
and that if the Auditor of Montana did
not like the request, he could cOmmun-
icate with certain person who was
| his friend, and that the friend would
make all the necessary arrangements
| for a meeting where the differences
could be settled according to the code.
The answer was anxiously looked
for. 1t came yesterday and was brief
| Its words were: 81 am a Democrat
with big d, and only recognized a
Union with big U. There are but
TWO goats in Montana. l have come
to the conclusion that the whole damned
crowd in the census office are crazy,
and don't fight, but only pity, crazy
men,"
Another meeting was held, and it
was decided that, while there were
more goats in Montana, it would not
do to fool any longer with the official
in question; that he was evidently a
bad man, and probably used a dirk
knife for a tOoth-pick. The census re-
port for 1880 will show but two goats
in Montana, and 4S,000,000 people in
the country.