, 1880-09-13
Wit and HumOr.

lq quoT. IL is very easy 10 SeI Dl1nO
drunk.
A sensitive repo rter is the wrong man
in the right place. Hackensack Re-
publican.
Presidential candidatee have as many
lives as a cat. or will have before all
their biographers get through.
II called twice and found you out, -
said Mrs. Jones' every good" said
Mrs. Smith, 81 had to call but once to
find you out"
A paper in the neighborhood of
Rochester advertises church pew for
sale, " commanding beautiful view of
nearly the whole congregation.
A little girl in church, after the con-
ribution-plate had been passed, COM
placently and audibly said: II paid
for four, mamma; was that right 2"
Professor "Can any one tell us the
origin of the expression Go to ?'''
Embryo Minister: Perhaps there was
something more to it once, and they
left it off because it didn't sound WE'LL
A wealthy manufacturer of Connect
cut having built an elegant mansion,
and wishing to take a second wife, said
Which agrees best with brick and
brown stone. brunette or a blonde "
A Southwestern editor, speaking of a
large and fat contemporary. remarked
that if all flesh were grass, he must be
a load of hay. 81 expect I am," said
the fat man, from the way the donkeys
are nibbling at me-"
The Tay bridge is to be rebuilt.
Bridget says that it should have a good
draw to it in order to make it strong.
She is evidently thinking of her favor
ite beverage, which is always to be found
on the kitchen stove.
Governess Ito small boy): Benny,
l shall keep you in if you don't learn
your lesson better tomorrow; I'm GO
ing to turn over a new leaf with yoa."
Small Boy: "You can't turn over a
new leaf; it's tear'd out"
HIS WEALTH GoNE.-An impecuni-
Gus fortune-hunter having been accept
ed by an heiress. at the wedding, when
that portion of the ceremony was
reached where the bridegroom says,
with all my worldly goods I thee en-
dow" a spiteful relative of the bride
exclaimed, "There goes his valise! -
Philadelphia Bulletin.
A. CLEAN "CHEEK." - Examiner:
What is the meaning of the verb pre-
pare p" Small Boy: dunno, sir"
Examiner: "What did you do before
you came up for examination ?" Small
bov: Er-washed my face!"
AT THE CATTLE SHOW Young
Farmer" Are you fond of beasts,
Miss Gusherton
Miss Gusherton-" oh, really, Mr..
Pawker, if you mean that as declara-
ton, you must speak to.mamma."
A gorgeous swell leading adog, in
duired at a railroad station, Must-I,
aw-take ticket for a puppy ?" The
bewildered clerk regarded him for q
moment, and then replied, "No, sir;
you can go as an ordinary person."
"No, William" she mournfulIy ut
tered, still allowing him to retain her
hand. "No, William, I can't marry
you. don't believe you can provide
a wife with butter upon your present
salary, and l can't eat oleomargarine. :"
1t would never do to elect women to
all offices. II female sheriff should
visit the residence of a handsome man
and explain to his jealous wife that she
had an attachment for him, there would
be u vacancy in that Office in about two
minutes.
A person inquirlng at one of the
northern railway stations what time the
7:45 train would start, was sharply an
swered, AT quarter to eight"
Bless mel" exclaimed the inquirer,
"you are always changing the time on
this line."
A school-teacher recently electrified
her pupils, who were annoying her with
questions: Children, 1 am en-
gagged. Noticing the general look
of astonishment, she added, But not
to any fool of man." and the excite
ment died away.
"Do you believe in second love, Mr..
McQuade ?" do I believe in second
love! Humph! If a man buys pound
of sugar, isn't it sweet and when it is
gone, don't he want another pound, and
isn't that pound sweet, too? Troth,
Murphy, I believe in second love-"
The Rev. Mr.. W paid his devoirs
to lady who was prepossessed in favor
of Mr.. Psalter. Her partiality being
very evident, the former took occasion
to ask, in a room full of company,
Pray, miss, how far have you got in
your Psalter?" The lady archly re-
piled, "As far as Blessed is the man. ="
A London tourist met a young wom-
an going to the kirk, and as was not un-
usual, she was carrying her boots in
her hand, trudging along barefoot "
" My girl" he said, is it customary
for all the people in these parts to go