The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1880-08-25
,oHanIRAoY AaATNsr lLARRIAGE.
A Hirhly Imaginative discourse Delly.
ed by one OF the Victims Of the conspir-


AHIghIy Imaginative Discourse Deiiy.
ed by one Of the Victims Of the consp1r'
acy. 'ssi
Miss:Hellyer, whose great moral aggre.
CATION and picturesque panorama Of
scenes from a drunkard's experience was
,,nceremoniiously interrupted Monday eve
ing by rival Greenback show, held forth
10 n moderate sized crowd from the Court
House steps last evening. She had an
nounced on Monday evening that the
burden OF her disiointed and scattering
remarks when she next appesred before
he people would be on 1.-THE Conspiracy
against Marriage" According TO her an.
nouncement she promptly strutted to the
north ledge Of the Court House steps,and
through the kindness Of lad, whose
name will be lost to history, had o stand
and pitcher OF cooling beverage placed
at her disposal, the principal ingredients Of
the pitcher being mud and water. Thus
armed for the fray, in bold and confident
manner she introduced her subject by
launching heringrammatical anathemas at
the editor OF Bellaire journal who had
the temerity to designate her mental con.
dition as being decidedly out Of plumb.
Her indignation led her TO indulge in 0
reckless TRADE which was more amusing
TO the people than damaging TO the charac-
ter OF the gentleman assailed.
I Being stated with this subject, having
massacred the aforesaid journalist before
the vast and intelligent audience, who
hung upon her words OF wrath as the
honey bee clings TO the sweetened flower,
she paid her delicate attentions to the
tender exotic OF our morning Contemporary
who, she said, told taller lies about her
than Eli Perkins could manufacture in six
months. She flew at him "a figure oil poetic
license) like an enraged tigress, and pierre.
ed his body with poignards OF sarcasm
and thrusts OF irony to the great delecta.
ton Of the madding crowd. In herlucid
moments, however, she clutched ut the
subject she was announced to dissect. She
said something about women, young
women-the buds Of promise we believe
was her descriptive and highly wrought
smile. She apostrophised the languid
beauty OF the tropics, and praised the
aristocratic hand and foot OF the Western
girl, which directly contradicts the vera
cious historians OF Chicago, whose nara
tons OF the linear measure oil st. Louis
yiIl's foot raises q suspicion OF the expans-
I've quality OF some descriptive writer's. The
fair lecturer, we suppose she was fair, set
sail on this subject at the rate OF
ten knots an hour, but slackened
up her speech few moments.
filling the interval by taking sip oil
water. and thus refreshed increased the
rapidity of her utterances to such q speed
that would have distanced lightning
photographer. The matter and manner
OF her eloquent harangue putlthe writerin
mind of Sam Prices famous stump speech
"Where, my fellow citizens, was this
country years ago. The. great American
eagle screams for prey and you, nv fellow
sufferers in bondage sit idly by ard wit
ness the dethronement OF reason. But
what has this got TO do with the Constitu
ton and DR.. Mary Walker, &C." The
TRADE OF the great reformer OF morals
men, &C., was about as logical, connected
and Ineligible as the above quoted re-
marks OF the veteran minstrel and equally
ludicrous.
Laboring under the impression that she
was talking too fast for the average mind
To follow her, and thinking like Col. Sell
lers, that the audience failed TO grasp bel
idea, she considerably announced that
abe would reel sail or two Tor the benehi
OF the shorthand reporters in order te
allow them an opportunity OF taking
down her Elusive sentences, which were
fired off with the rapidity OF gatling gun
She vehemently displaimed being an
advocate of woman's rights, aud every
once 10 while she would branch off or
the subject OF the offending reporter. She
dared him to come up where she wa
posed and utter his charges to her face
She was Modified with one consolation,
however, IN regard to one statement he
had made, which YES the truth. "Whet
he printed in his paper that was
woman five feet three inches high, he hi
the mark" said Miss Hellyer. "and
must say that II Is the most intelligent re
mark that has been passed upon me fol
some time" Here she studied the lace
OF the crowd for moment in an inquirini
manner, and said, ~ hope no one In Thu
audience will 20 away and say they heart
my lecture on the Conspiracy agains
Marriage can't deliver 1t here; 1t is too
delicate matter to mention In 0 promis
cuous crowd" This was startling piect
OF information, but it didn't seem to hav,
any depres effect on her auditors. He
excuse was similar to Silas Wegg's expla
nation as TO why he couldn't explain 4
Mr.. Boffin the difference between the de
cline and iall OF the Russian empire ant
the descent and demolition OF the Roman
empire. 'There Is difference" said Mr.
Wegg, in mysterious manner, "but !
won't do to mention 1t in the presence o
Mrs. Bofiin."
After again returning to that delicious
and appetizing morsel, the audaolous re
porter, she drew herself up, that is w
thought she did, and with heroism sci
dom recorded in the conduct Of the early
martyrs, declared that 'she was old ant
tough, aud could stand abuse"
| II this could have been put to vote Il
would have been carried without dis
senting voice. It would have been Q
brilliant epoch in the history Of 'the
lecturer to have retired at this juncture
with red fire and the usual startling &C
cessories OF q dramatic climax. But
the opportunity was lost. She freely
| cOQIesheu tuht uhuy uhu pGol
puzzled that she was not married. This
conundrum she solved In delightfully."- re
freshing manner by frankly declaring that
she had never had an offer. She did moi
want to deceive anyone Not she. The
poets lines were brought into requisition
to substantiate this position:
whata tangled web We weave
vu When hrst We practice TO deceive.
More might be written but it enough
to say that in describing her birth place
the fact which had been surmised all
along was suddenly sprung upon the gap.
ing crowd that she was the inevitable
"0hio man." Born in Guernsey county,
she said, but now hailed from Hartford
When asked where hall from,
Ny sole reply shall be,
From good old Guernsey county,
But latSly Of Hartford Citee.
Miss Hellyer will preach in an unknown
tongue on the South Side this evening.
BOATING MATTRRs.-The first annual