The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1880-07-08

wen, she's not as ugly as they told me
she was Pa compliment the astonished
Queen gracefully accepted, saying
well, my good woman, | am very glad
Of that" Probably her majesty forpaye
her critics rudeness as the outcome Of
rustic Ignorance and simplicity.
There is nc cooler man than your sim
pie fellow. While General Thomas was
inspecting the fortress at Chattanooga
with General Garfield, they heard some
one shout: Hello, mister! Youi I
want to'speak to your General Thom-
as, turning, found he was the "nister,
so politely hailed by an East Tennessean
soldier. d
well, my man." said he, .what do
you want with me ~
| Il want to get a furlough, mister. that's
what want" was the reply.
| "Why do you want furlough. nv
manY inquired the general.
"Wall, want TO 60 home and see nv
| wife,"
"How long is it since you saw. herr"
Ever since ! enlisted; nigh on to
three MONTHS j
'Three months !" exclaimed the com
mander. why, my good fellow, / have
not seen my wife for three years ~
The Tennessean looked ineredulous.
and drawled: "Wall, you see, me and
my wife amt that sort!"
The postmaster general of the United
States once received an odd official com.
munication, the Raeborn postmaster, new
to his duties, writing to his superior Of
deer: Seeing by the regulations that
am required to send you letter of adj
vice, must plead in excuse that / have
been postmaster but a short time; but /
will say, if your office pays no better
than mine, / advise you to give it up"
To this day that postmaster has
not decided whether his subordinate was
an lgnoramous or was quietly poking fun
at him.
Spite Of the old axiom about self
world is apt to take a man at his own
valuation. If that be true, there is a
church dignitary.. in embryo somewhere
in the young deacon. whose examining
Bishop felt it requisite to send for the
clergyman recommending him for ordi-
nation, in order to tell him to keep that
young man in check; adding, by way Of
explanation: 81 had the greatest diff
Guilty, sir, to prevent his examining me ~
This not to be abashed candidate for
clerical honors promises to be as worthy
of the cloth as the American minister
who treated his village congregation to
one ofMr. Beecher's sermons, unaware
that the popular Brooklyn preacher made
one of his hearers Accosting him after
service. Mr.. Beecher said: THAT was
fair discourse: how long did it take you
to write it??' q,
ooh, / tossed it off onB evening" was
the reply.
Indeed Y said. Mr.. Beecher We'll, 81
took me mucn longer than that to think
out the framework of that Sermon
Are you Henry Ward BeecherW ask
ed the sermon-stealer.
am" said that gentleman.
'Well, then" said the other, not in the
least disconnected, "all have to say, is.
that l amt ashamed to preach one Of
your sermons anywhere"
We do not know if Coleman invented
the phrase, GAS cool as a cucumber"
but he makes the Irishman in sThe
Heir-at-Law" say: These two must be
a rich man that won't lend and bor-
rover; for one Is trotting about In great
distress and t'other stands as cool as a
cucumber" OF the two the latter was
more likely to have been intending a
raid on another mans purse, for the men.
whose very trade is borrowing" are
usually, we might say necessarily, the
coolest Of the cool; like Bubb Doding-
toms impecunious acquaintance, who,
rushing across Bond street, greeted Dod-
ington with: "I'm delighted to see YOU,
for am wonderfully in want Of a
guinea
Taking out his purse, Dubp showed
That it held but half a guinea.
"A thousand thanksp' cried bis tor
mentor, deity selling the coin; chat
will do very well for the presents" and
then changed the conversation. But as
he turned to leave, he inquired: 'sBy-
the-by, when will you pay me that half
guinea p
"Pay you? What do you mean? ?" ex-
claimed Dodington.
"Mean? Why, I intended to borrow
| a guinea of you. have only got half;
but Pm not in hurry for t'other. Name
your own time. only pray keep itw say
ing which he disappeared round the cor
ner.
John Fn@niS," the American humor-
ist, being one night at theatre, fancieo
he saw a friend some three seats in front
of him. Turning to his next neighbor
| he said: "Would you be kind enough
to touch that gentle with your stick?"
Certainly" was the reply, and the thing
was done; but when the individual thus
assaulted turned round, Phoenix saw he
was not the man he took him for, and
became at once absorbed in the play,
leaving his friend to settle matters with
| the gentleman in front, which, as he had
no excuse handy, was not done without
considerable trouble. When the hub
bub was over. the victim said: Didn't
you tell me to tap that man with my
stick ?'' stssYes.n .sAnd what did you
/ want % Oh" said Phoenix, with imper-
turable gravity, II wanted to see wheth-
er you would tap him or not
Jack Holmes" a man-about town,
living no one knew how, was once under
cross-examination by certain sergeant
at-law, who knew his man too well.
Nov, sir, said the learned gentleman,
tell the jury how you live! r
WELL" said Holmes, "a chop or a
steak, and on Sunday perhaps little bit
of fish; I'm a very plain living mar"
You know what mean. sir, !" thun-
dered the questioner. What dosy ou do
for ivingY
The same as you. sergeant. said the