The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1879-06-21
VARIETY.

The average small boys ambition is to be
trapper, pirate, or n s1ng-and-dance-man.
Great heavens 80 he murmured, as the dea-
Ter named the price, - don't want whole
strawberry / only want q small slice of the
round
The name Of n New Hampshire sehOOl-teaeher
is May I. Cough. IL is much more common to
hear schooI-teachers addressed as May /. GwOut.
The difference between honor and discretion is
that honor tells you not to hit man when he's
down, and discretion warns you to be careful
about hitting him when he isn't down.
Premiums will soon be offered for certain pos
itions which hitherto have not been more than
ordinarily popular. For example, the position
OF coachman to a wealthy man with grown up
daughters.
An enterprsing Jersey farmer wants to know
what is the latest style Of fence. Walt Whit
mans poetry.
If in this season of banana skins on the side
walks any flag should pull down the American
man-sh0ot hum away from that spot.
Love rules the court, the camp, the grove, and
earth below and heaven above, but it never sewed
n gray patch in the seat of your husbands back
trousers That isn't love- That's revenge. An
drews' Bazaar.
Look pleasant" said the photographer to
Charles Francis Adams - smile little.'' MIR.
Adams slowly and frgidly smiled. - Mother of
Pluto :" hOwled the artist, 50 cry cry little
Mother (to daughter who has just given aims
TO n poor tramp) :-'' Now, what in the world
did YOU do that for? Suppose he should buy rum
with it?'' Poor Tramp (overhearing and max
ing a low bowl But l promise | will not,
my dear madame. ! prefer GIN
THoRoUGu EcoSoNT.-First topper; - Why do
I come 10 Highgnte? Because | get my drink for
n uenny glass cheaper" Second topper: - Yes,
Bas it cost you the bus fare to get there. First
topper - True, man; but, once here, L drink
till make profit"
Patrick And, Biddy, darlint, they've been
teIIin' me there's too many Of US in the wurrld
Now, IL you and me get the praste 10 make us
two wan, troth won't there be wan the less?"
- I suppose the bells are sounding an alarm Of
fire. sneeringiy said man as the church bells
were calling the wOrshippers one Sunday morn
ing to which clergyman who was passing re-
piled - Yes, my friend but the fire IS not IN
this world
An old genius who lives at Westield, Mass,
but expects to die, has made will in which he
beaueaths 81 to each man, woman and child who
attends his funeral. lie will be certain to have
large following to the grave.
The Louisville :. Couricr-JOurnal - has discov
cred young lady who blushes. goes to bed at
nine o'clock, eats heartily, speaks plain English,
respects her mother, doesn't want to marry lord,
and knows how to cook. She must be one Of
Edison-s new inventions y young lady was
never born that way
A Georgia coIorcd debating society was lately
discussing, Which is tie better for the labour-
ing man, TO work for wages or part Of the crop?'
An old uncle " spoke the sense Of the meeting
when he thought bOfc was dc best, If dcy could
only be bruug to geddcr somehow"
A Harrison county (Ky.) jury has decided
that II n man shoots at another, misses him and
LiIIs a third, he should not be punished. lie
0Oes free because ho did not Kill the right man
The LAWYERS in the defense argued that 1t he had
killed the man he shot at he could not be pun
- -FrII a
OF self-delense-
Danburv Neirs :-.' The Prince Imperial of
Of France FIRMLY believes that he will one day be
enthroued ruler Of that country There was
once a man who firmly believed he could lit him
elf over n fence BY the slack Of his pants, but
there being no fence handy he did not undertake
at"
Puaeh's cartoon on the Egyptian crisis is ad-
.nirablv drawn The Khedive IS sitting upon
heaviIy-lnden donkey, and Hourlshes stick IN
,,ribed =. Taxation" The English and French
Cabinet Ministers, Rivers Wilson and DE Big
nieres arc striving to allure with bundles Of
carrots the disc0nsOlate ass, but the hhedIye
roars Clar de way, you giaOurs; he's berry
fine donkey when I'm lowed to ride him myself
and plenty Of stick"
At the entrance Of restaurant in Pesth,
where Young ladies are employed to stand and
,voit i posted n notice reading - Gentlemen
are requested to abstain from kissing the
vVaitresscs on the stairs, rs this - fruitful
source OF brcakage. and impedes the service
Human nature being the same the world over,
the placard calls a great many customers who
are anxious to see the girls whom they are en-
ioined not to kiss on the stairs
George Eliot says that girls are delicate YES
sells - They are the sort of vessels that young
men frequently put to their lips; but they are
not so delicate as their pallOr often implies Did
George never hear OF girl walking 5000 quar-
ter miles in 1000 quarter hours? Ii is the girl
who dances until > y NJ. and who sits at the pa-
no two hours in the afternoon, and sings - Moth
or. Dear, is Growing Old, while her maternal
parent is frying slapileks for supper, who Is
- delicate vessel ="
The President spread the document out before
him. shut his eyes, and raised his pen high
g Rutherford, don't you dare to sign it,"
screamed Mrs. Hayes, irom the opposite side OF
the room. There amt no County FAIRS to go
TO- retorted the President, great drops Of per-
spiration standing upon his corrugated brow
- YOU won't allow me to even smell the black
hottie with the corncob stopper, an ! IN desper-
atel d., YOU hear, Mrs. H.? I'm desperate -
Mrs IIaycs crossed the room at single bound,
hut her husbands pen had danced wild mazur-
ka over the paper. and the veto message was
sisued - Cincinnati Enquirer