The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1879-12-25
KEYS YOUNG MAN.
The Valuable AdvfceWhich Marked Twain
ss.-r-- Gave Him.


Marx Twain's latest production is a
letter giving his opinion of private
secretaries, ia which Ne sits down rather
hard upon M tsKtfb9s Private Secretary
to Postmaste General Key. The letter
has caused great deal of amusement
among Mr.. Kirby's associates in the
poss office, aud that gentleman feels
very much torn up in n'conseq uence, and
probably will not be anxious to tackle
the subject again, at least not for some
time. Some days ago Mr.. Kirby took
occasion to write letter to Mr.. Clemens,
in which he had the temerity to crit. else
some comments made by the gentleman
upon a recent order of the Postoffice
Department. Mr.. ifbv felieitousIysin-
closed tract issued by the Postoffice
Department., saying that it was to
meet just such hardened cases as yours !;
and also send you copy Of the postal
laws, and hope you will take the trouble
to look into the matter thoroughly"
1t seems by the letter received in reply
that MIR. lemens did look into the mat
ter thoroughly, and Mr.. Kirby now
thinks tfat ne made too searching a
study of it. Among other things in his
letter Mr.. Clemens says:
"My callow' friend, when you shall
have outgrown the efiervescence of
youth, and acquired bit of worldly
experience, you will cease to make mis-
takes like that. That is, you will re-
cognize t ie simple wisdom of minding
your own business. You seem to. thin (
you have been cal ed to account. This
is a great error. 1t is the Postotfice
Department of the United States that
has been called into account. There is
difference here which you seem to have
overlooked. l will point it out You
are not the Postofice Department, but
only an expensive and unnt cessary ap-
pendage to it. Grave, elderly public
Instructors like me do. not call private
secretaries to account. The mistake you
have made is simple; you imagined
yourself the dog, where you are only the
tail. You endeavored 10 wag the dog.
This was injudicious. You should have
hung quiescent until the dog wagged
you. You seemed to have gathered the
impression, somehow, that you are a
member of the Cabinet This is an
error. Your chief is one of the guns OF
that battery; you are not. You are moi
gun, or load, or even a ramrod
| neither do you supply ammunition; you
| only serve as q stick to fire it off. You
are not barrel OF molasses, but only the
faucet through which the molas$es is
discharged. Yon are not boot, but 8
bootjack. Do you perceive? The thing
| am trying to convey to you is that il
does not become You to assume functions
that do not belong to you. The news
paper slip which you inclosed to re
will return by oneof my private secre
taries. keep eleven Of these things
not for use, but for display.
Speaking Of the envelop in which
Mr.. Kirby's letter was enclos. d, dazl
says: s
"Yous an ppoficial priva1e citizen
have written me an entirely persona
letter inclosed in an .envelop bearins
upon its surface in plain print thu
warning: GA penalty of $500 is fixee
by law for using this envelope for othel
than official business" The servants o
the Government ought to be, fol
decencys sake, among the last to bresl
its laws You have committed an offens,
with no elements of joke about it, ane
if your superior does his duty he viii
impose the penalty involved. As far a
am concerned you are safe, but if yo,
intrude upon me again may be tempted
to bring you before the courts for viola
tion of law. There now, receive my
blessing. Go, and do not mix in othe
peoples business any more; otherwis,
you may pick up somebody who will
feed you disagreeable words instead o.
sugar. MARK TWAIN, ETC"