Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1879-04-17
FUNNYGRAPHS.

SPRING is always beautiful to the poet
who wears green spectacies.-NeaO Or
leans Picayune.
"1F man has no views of his own"
says the New Orleans Picoyune, she
should buy few of the stereoscopic
kind"
IT'S only spring opening, me-" ex-
planned that awful boy as he exhibited
his torn trousers after leap over the
picket fence.
SITTING BULLS medicine man is
about to issue little pamphlet on the
Treatment Of the Scalp."-Burlington
Haaokeye.
REMEMBER" said trading Quaker
to his son, Tin making thy way in the
world a spoonful of oil will 20 further
than quart of vinegar"
NEVER say to a man running across
lots in the immediate lead of wild bull,
"Be not swift to take e!'-Boston
Transcript.
Now clean up the rubbish about your
premises and dispose of it by tossing it
over into your nei ghbor's yard Water.
loo Nv. ~ Observer.
SCoT (on Waterloo bridge)-"Rech!
To think I save a bawbee every time 1
cross this bonny brig! I'll just pit it in
the plate the next time I gang to the
kv-London Punch.
SCHooLM1sTREss Gust beginning a
nice improving lesson upon minerals to
the juniors): "Now, what are the prin-
cipal things we get out of the earth7"
Youthful angler, aged four Confident
ly): "Worms."
The Chicago Journal remarks that
"the Florida orange crop has taken
possession of the streets, and fat men
have again began to step on peelings,
and forthwith proceed to jar the founda-
tions of the CITY,"
SCHooLM1srREss Gust beginning a
nice improving lesson upon minerals to
the Juniors y" Now, what are the prin-
cipal things we get out of the earth?"
Youthful angler, aged four Confidently
-"Worms."
In street car-Lady in shabby dress
to animated tailor's model standing in
front of her: evil you please ring the
bell, sir?' "Pawdon, madam, I'm not
the conductaw-ah." "lndeed? What
are your" He gives it up.-Puck.
A COMPANY is being organized in Hol-
land for the importation of American
live meat. That is all right. You just
want to remember there is an immense
difference between live meat and live
cheese.-Eurlington Hasckeye.
A YOUNG man, who has tried every
thing else and failed, writes to the
Vicksburg Herald to inquire the re-
quisites fer good reporter, and gets for
answer: "a bottle of whisky, & lead
pencil, a cast-iron constitution and q
rhinoceros hide"
1T is entertaining to note the variety
of opinion that prevails regarding per-
feet happiness. The printer. for in
stance, imagines that the millennium
means time when he will get fifty cents
per thousand ems and bedstead Stats will
be used instead of leads.-&. Louis Times
journal.
A WRITER of the gentler sex says that
"a womanly woman never gets jammed,
crowded or pushed" and adds, IL am
neither young nor pretty" This ex-
plains it. No man cares to squeeze
woman who is neither young nor pretty.
Let us have the experience of some of
the young and pretty CONSIDERATIONS
Herald.
DoUBLEDRAM will drink, though he is
frightfully ashamed of it. He was ex-
planning to Simpson the other day that
he took it for his stomach's sake-as
tonic, you know. eyes, understand"
said Simpson. It's play-tonic love
that you have for the critter." And,
would you believe it, Doubledram actu-
ally looked hurt at the remark.
A REsTACRATEUR at Berlin has de-
vised an ingenious plan for keeping his
place free from beggars, street nuisances,
dead beats and other undesirable Gus
toners. He just puts policeman's hat
on table near the door, and when the
undesirable customer looks in it meets
his fascinating gaze and he closes the
door gently and departs holding his
breath.
Miss DoD's cooking lecture the other
evening. Lady soliloquizing: ''Now
that she's got it cooked, l wish she'd tell
us how to use up cold mutton" Next
lady overhears and remarks: 81 have
some infallible recipes" First lady,
alert with pencil and notebook: "Will
you please favor me?' Second lady:
"Six boysW-Phila. Bulletin.
To estimate what bridge will cost
any city if it is done by contract: Take
the highest figures presented by any en-
gineer and multiply them by the length
of the bridge in inches, point of two
places, and then add enough to prosecute
any one who has anything to do with
handling the funds, and the result is
that the bridge is an obstruction to navi-
CATION. Free Pres.
A YOUNG lady was sitting with gal
liant captain in charmingly decorated
recess. On her knee was diminutive
niece, placed there pour les convenancfs.
In the adjoining room, with the door
open, were the rest of the company.
Says the little niece, in jealous and
very audible voice, "Auntie, kiss me,
too" leave you to imagine what had
just happened. "You should say twice,
Ethel dear; two is net grammar" was
the immediate rejoinder. Clever girl
that.-London World.
The recent incarceration of the edi'
tor of the Thomastown Nidette in the
insane asylum, hopeless maniac, has a
sad, sad history. People who recently
saw an article in his paper entitled
"Death of an Angle Worm." and did
not read beyond the heading, were not
aware that the article was an obituary
of the editors aunt, Who had just left
him all her money, and that as the arti-
! Gle went to the printer it was headed,
"Death of an Aged Woman. "-Burling-
ton Haa0keye.
The rope of the hangman which has
broken in the operation has special
virtues for the superstitious. The other
day they tried to hang a negro in Amer.
lea and the rope broke. In consequence
the poor sheriff has since been receiving
letters every day asking for pieces of the
enchanted rope. He has replied and the
newspapers have published his answer
1t is this: thereafter l will hang only
with our end of the Atlantic cable
You will of course have the other emo,
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