Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1879-06-27
VARIETY AND HUMOR.


matches mischief.
The times that tried mems soles-
Pedestrian contests.
Summer roses fade and die because
there is no way Of releaYing them.
Was Boreas ever marriedP Shakes
peare writes of the merry wives OF
wind-sir.
An ancient sewer has been diseov-
cred in Rome, but the old lady's name
is not given.
The nose ruay not be a counterfeit
deteetor, but it can distinguish bad
scent from a good One.-HacbenSGck
Republican.
You may break, you may shatter
the lamp any night, but you may be
blown higher than Gilderoy's kite
Boston Transcript.
The druggist is laying in paregorie
by the gallon, and ehuckling to him
self, as he thinks how near is the green
apple and watermelon season.
What is the difference between q
conjecture and q man who boards his
pelfP One is surmise, and the other
is miser.-ChieGgo Commercial Id
Uertiser.
Texas papers declare that it is folly
to catch murderers in Texas and 90 to
the expense of trying them, because
they are almost invariably turned loose
by the jurors.
The man who wrote that "duty''
was the most sublime word in the En-
glish language is believed to have been
the collector ola lucrative port.-AlbGny
EUening Journal.
"A Genuine Irish Bun.-Sir Boyle
Roche said: Z" Single misfortunes never
come alone, and the greatest of all
possible misfortune is generally fol-
lowed by greater" !"
"A young man, to hector a young
lady, said: q This Is st. Patrick Day.
Where is your green boWP'' AS quick
as a flash came the response: You
are green enough for mei come along"
1t is easier for a camel to pass
through the eye of needle than it is
for a young woman in fur-Iined cloak
to walk along without letting it flap
open just a little, to show that the fur
is more than mere bordeT.-ETchGBge.
The following epitaph is simply a
sign of the times. It repeats in verse
what we have all thought of in prose:
"DaEhridge shut, " the signal said,
'TWasn't shut Alss, how solemnl
Such is life. See list Of dead
On the other side tins column.
An old farmer once said to his boys:
Boys, don't you ever spekerlate, or
wait for sOmethin' to turn up. You
s,--4 Ill ~
a stone IN the middle Of q medder, with
a pail twix' your legs, and wait for a
COW to back up to you to be MIXED"
Human nature is very diseouraging.
Put up the sign, ''No thoroughfare,
dangerm and every teamster on the
continent feels that that particular
street is the only one that leads to his
stable. Or, as some one else has sug-
gested, put up the sign, Fresh paint
and every passer-by viii touch it with
his finger to see whether it is dry yet
~ Z. Herald.
The Rev. a. B. Kendig, pastor Of
the Trinity Methodist Episcopal Church
in Worcester, Mass, made a prayer
before his farewell sermon recently, in
which, after having prayed for every
member Of the church, the choir, or
ganist, sexton and ushers, he finally
PRAYED for the cone who, although
hidden from sight, yet contributes so
much to the musical part of our WOr-
Ship ending, 90 Lord, 1 mean the
boy who blows the organ"
We never weary of reading a good
epitaph, one which indicates the work
Of a lifetime in 3 few short, crisp
words. Here is one, for instance,
which needs no explanation. 1t was
inscribed on the tomb Of cannibal:
g He loved his feIow-men." And here
is double obituary, which shows that
the state Of matimOny is sometimes a
happy one:
/ am anxiously expecting you. A
D. 1927.
Here I am. A. d. CBristian
at Work
The following is a copy of letter
received by railroad officer in Boston
demanding damages for the killing of
g COW on the track OF q railroad in the
West:
DEAR srn: am informed that some time
about Christmas one of your trains run over and
50 crippled black spotted helfer OF mine that
she had to be killed. Mr.. - says he skinned
her and can give date-or near it-Of the accl-
dent. This heifer was not a Durham or any
other thoroughbred stock, butshe was the last OF
the yPung stock from COW my wife's mother
gave her fourteen years ago and We hoped %
perpetuate the stock through her. Now my wife
says she wants Si5 for that heifer as legitimate
damages; if you pay e0HStTtcftU5 or any other
damages on the love and affection part. why it
viii foot up more. Let mehear from yOu-ifI
have got to prove up and al thRt-if not send Us
what you usually pay. OF course We hated es-
peciRlly to lose this heIfer. but / have always
received such fair dealings from you that Twill
not grumble st whatever you nay do IN the
premises. We have only two more COWS In the
and run over them at your leisure, make Us a
proposition"
-Talmage tells funny story on him.
self, this wise: '' In the second sermon
1 ever preached from that text, "A
mess of pottage,' l got it a pot Of
message and the worst of it was that
kept repeating the blunder all through
the sermon to the intense amusement
af the congregation, and some impair
ment, / fear, of the lesson Of the dis
course. The Devil seemed to be on my
tongue, and I spoke the text wrong in
spite of myself, almost every time, l
grew hot as a furnace; perspired to
nv finger-ends; my face was like s
beet; and when I came to that awful
text 1 would make q great pause, INK
my lips right, and then, to my intense
say A pot Of messageP
I was in agony. Finally ceased to
try to pronounce if, but only said my
kn,-ka -T,ofrsFSnor of II -