Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1879-04-10
A Truthful Trio.

L
prlsed, say, because [ supposed these
| gentlemen were thousands of miles
| away. These men were Mark Twain,
sometimes called the Great Truthteller
OF the Sierras, and P. V. Nasty, generally
kno Nh as the Great international Truth
teller at Large from the State of Ohio.
Now, L thought Mark Twain was doing
missionary work in New Jersey, and l
had been informed that Mr.. Nasty had
gone to labor in the temperance field
IN Italy with Mr.. Murphy, Notwith-
standing my surprise at seeing them, l
was glad to have a chance to sit at their
feet and hear the truth defended.
After We had talked a spell, Mr..
Twain laid down his cigar and told us
about fast horse he once owned in
Virginia City. Said he:
Gentlemen, this horse of mine was
tough bitted, and he was so fast that
had to guide him by electricity-had to
have wire lines and keep battery in
the wagon on all the time in order to
stop him."
"Why didn't you stop him by holler-
ing whoa!" [ asked.
Stop him by hollering whoa" ex-
claimed Mr.. Twain. why, l could
| not holler loud enough to make that
horse hear me. He travelled so fast
that no sound ever reached him from
behind. He went faster than the sound
did. HOller whoa. and he'd be in the
next town before the sound Of your
voice could reach the dash-bord. Travel
fast?' | should say he could. Why, /
Onoo cfortoJ e
Meadow Greek right in front of one of
| the most dreadful rain storms we ever
had on the Pacific Coast. Wind and
rain? Why the wind blew eighty miles
an hour, and the rain fell in sheets. I
drove right before that storm for three
hours-just on the edge of that hurri-
cane and rain for forty miles"
"Did you get drenched?"
"Drenched? No, sir! What did keep
that horse for? Why, tell you [ drove
right in front of that rain storm. / could
lean forward and let the sun shine on
me, or lean backward and feel rain and
catch hailstones. When the hurricane
Stacked up the horse Stacked UP, too.
and when it blew faster I just said
'G-lk' to the horse and touched the
battery, and away we went. Now |
don't want to lie about my horse, Mr..
Perkins, and don't ask you to believe
what say; but I tell you truthfully
that when [ got to Meadow Creek my
linen buster was as dry as powder. Not
a drop Of rain On the wagon seat either,
while the wagon box was level full of
hailstones and water, or Pm --,
-"
"Look here. gentlemen" interrupted
Mr.. Nasty; speaking of the truth, did
you ever hear of my striking that man
in Toledo?"
We said we had not.
"Well, sir. it was this way: There was
a man therefore of those worldly,
skeptical fellows, who questioned my
veracity one day. He said he had
doubts about the truthfuiness of one of
my cross roads incidents. He didn't
say it publicly, but privately. Pm sor-
ry for the sake of his wife and family
now that he said it at all-and sorry for
the man, too, because he wasn't pre-
pared to go. If he'd been a christian
it would have been different. | say [
didn't want to strike this man. because
it's bad habit to get into-this max
ing human chaos out of fellow man.
But he questioned my veracity and the
earthquake came. remember he was
putting down carpet at the time, and
had his mouth full of carpet tacks.
But man can't stop to discount carpet
tacks in a mans mouth, when he CUES
toned your varacity, can he? [ never
do. l simply struck the blow"
"Did it hurt the man much?' I asked.
81 don't think in did. 1t was too sud-
den. The bystanders said if [ was going
to strike a second blow they wanted to
move out of the state.
"Now I don't want you to believe and
| don't expect you will, but to tell you
the honest truth. Mr.. Perkins, /
squashed that man right down into a
door-mat; and his own wife, who was
lacking down one edge Of the carpet at
the time, came right along and took
him for a gutta percha rug, and actual
ly tackled him down in front of the
door. Poor woman, she never knew
she was lacking down her own husband!
What became of the tacks in his mouth?
you ask. Well, the next day the boys
pulled them out of the bottoms Of his
overshoes, and"
Gentlemen" interrupted, cit does
me good to hear such truths. / believe
every word you say; and [ feel that
ought to exchange truths with YOU
Now, did you ever hear how | went to
prayer-meeting at New London. Conn,
in rainstOrm?"
They said they had not.
oil T 81, I'D
for the New London prayer-meeting, on
horseback. When | got about half way
there, there came up a fearful storm.
The wind blew a hurricane, the rain fell
in torrents, the lightning cleaned
through the sky, and I went and
crouched down behind large barn.
But pretty soon the lightning struck the
barn, knocked it into a thousand splin-
tiers, and sent my horse whirling over
into neighboring corn-patch."
did it kill you, Mr.. Perkins," asked
Mr.. Twain, the tears rolling down his
cheeks.
mo, it didn't kill me, but I was
good deal discouraged"
swell, what did you do, Mr. Perkins,"
"What'd l do? Well, gentlemen, to
tell the honest Connecticut truth, went
right out into the pasture, took off my
coat, bumped up my bare back, and
took eleven clips of lightning right on
my bare back bone, drew the electricity
all out of the sky, and then got on to
my horse and rode into New London in
time to lead at the evening prayer
meeting"
Arise and sing! ELI PERKINS.
Handy to Have in the House.
There are some men who are consid- |