Spirit of Jefferson. [volume] (Charles Town, Va. [W. Va.]) 1844-1948, 1879-12-02
MISCELLANEOUS.
MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.

at the banquet of the Army of Tennessee
at Chicago, the usual toasts we're drank and
responded to- A feature was the humorous
response of Mark Twain to the toast of "The
Babies" 1t was greeted on all sides with
laughter, aud caused considerable merrimsnt.
He said {:
Babies as they comfort us in our sorrow,
let us not forget them in our festivities
Laughter We haven't all had the good
fortune to be ladies. Laughter. We
haven't all hecn generals or poets or states-
men, but when toasts work down to babies
we stand our common ground, for we have all
[Laughter aud appIause.1 1t is shame that
for thousands of years the worlds banquets
have utterly ignored the baby, as if he didn t
amount to anything. If you gentlemen will
stop and think minute, if you will go back
fifty or one hundred years to your early marS
ried life laughter and contemplate your
first baby, you will remember that he
amounted to good deal, aud even something
over. You soldiers all know when that little
fellow arrived at family headquarters you had
to hand in your resignation. Laugbter.1- J.
He took entire command, you became his
lackey, his mere body servant, and you had
to stand around, too. He was not a COM
man6er who made allowances for time, dis
tance, weather, or anything else. You had
to execute his order whether it was possible
or not, laughter and there was only one
form of marching in his manual of tactics,
aud that was double quick. He treated you
with every sort of inso!ence and disrespect,
and the bravest of you didn't dare to say a
word You could face death at the stormipg
of Donclscn and Vicksburg, and give back
blow for blow [applause1; but when he
clawed yoHr whiskers and pulled your hair,
and twisted your nose you had to take it
GLaughter. When the thundcrs Of war were
sounding in your ears you set your face to-
ward batteries and advanced with steady
tread, but when he turned on terrors of his
war whoops you advanced in the other direc>
ton daughter mighty glad of the chance,
too When he called for soothing syrup, did
you venture to throw out any remarks about
certain service being unbecoming an officer
and a gentleman Laughter.I No, you
got up and got it. If he ordered his psp
bottle, did you talk back No, you went TO
work and warmed it. You even descended
so far in your mebial Office as to take sup at
that warm, insiped stuff yourself to see if it
was right, three parts water to one of milk,
q tOuCu VI " COtAOS auN NtOf
of peppermint to kill the immortal hiccouehs.
l can taste it yet [Roars of laughter. J.
And how many things you learned as You
went along. Sentimental young folks still
take stock in that beautiful old saying that
when a baby smiles in his sleep it is because
angels are whispering to him. Very pretty,
but too thin. daughter. Simply wind ON
the stomach. My friends, If the baby pro-
posed to take walk at hi. usual hour, at half
past two in the morning. didn't you rise mp
prompt and remark, with a mental addition
which wouldn't improve Sunday School
book much, that it was the very thing you
were about to propose yourself. Oh yes, you
were under good discipline, and You went
fluttering up and down the room in your un-
dress uniform. You not only prattled un>
diguifed baby talk, but you tuned up your
martial voice and tried TO sing 'Rock-a by
baby in the tree top, for instance. What q
spectacle for the Army of the Tennessee
Croars of laughter J and what affection for
neighbors. too for it isn't everybody within
a mile that likes militsry music at three
o'clock in the morning. When you had been
keeping this sort Of thing up two or three
hours, and your little velvet had intimsted
that nothing suited him like exercise and
noise go on did you say2 he simply
went on till You dropped in the last ditch
[Great laughter The idea that baby don't
amount to anything. Why, one baby is just
house and front yard by itself. One baby
can furnish more business than You and your
whole interior department can attend to-
He is most enterprisiSg, irrepressibIe, brim-
full of lawless activities. Do what you please,
you can't make him stay on his reservation.
prolonged lsughtsr Sufficient unto the
day is one baby. As long as you are in your
right mind don't you ever pray for twins
TRoars of laughter and bushes by Gen.
Sheridan.J Twins amount to permanent in.
surrection. [Laughter.1 1t was high time
forthe toastmaster to recognize the importance
of babies when think what is in store for the