Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1879-07-04
SENSE AND NONSENSE.
AN old settler-fsh-skin.

E1A OAA o0NllUL-u1l~oAA
TICE is not a great storm scenter.
The eombing mantle hairdresser.
People of settled eonVietion-pris-
oners.
IRIS better to give than to receive
"a bill.
OVERCHARGNe explodes a gun.
Hackmen thrive on it.
A MASSACHUSETTS corn-doctor boasts
of being a Bos-to-nian.
SWEET are the uses of pedestrian
ism-tO the shoemaker.
To A COW a lost cud is more impor-
tant than lost continent.
THE best thing in the world is to be
able to live above the world.
THE mule kicks in the way he does
because he cannot talk back.
THE greatest philosopher of the day
is he who admits what he can't do.
A MAN may grow up to be like s
sturdy oak; but he commences life as
a creeper.
SHOES should be over two feet. A
dress train should not be under one
fOOt-N. o. PicGyuns.
SICKNESS turned Western mans
hair from white to a dark brown.
Probably the sick man dyed.
Why is a river like Wall street, New
York? Because there are banks on
either side.-DGls6Ury Ne10s.
A JOKE is not so durable as a church
bell. After it has been tolled few
times it is worn out.-PIeGy1Ene.
"TaERE's music in the heir"
mOaned the young husband, as he
reached for the paregoric bottle.
WESTON is behind as usual in the
London tramp contest. This remark
able man has been a professional
walker for twenty years and has gen
orally succeeded in coming in last
N. o. Times.
PARIS hard times-A sidewalk mer-
chant on the boulevard follows up q
gentleman who is in a great hurry, Of
tering him cane. The gentleman,
without stopping: "HoW much?i'
&c Twenty francs" "Twentv cents.''
'' Take it.''
PETER THE GREAT once said: "God
established wedlock for happiness, for
mutual support, and for consolation in
the vicissitudes of life, and, as wretch
ed marriages do not sustain Gods pur-
pose in matrimony, it is proper, in such
cases, to grant divorce"
A PICKPOCKET taken with his hand
in some one else's pocket endeavored
to invent all manner of impossible ex-
plantations Of the phenomenon.
"What's the use of your trying to lie
about it so clumsily9'' said the Magis-
trate, benevolently; "haven't you a
lawyer?'
A ARAGGED-LOOKIEG pedestrian came
10 the back door of the Dunshudder
mansion, and the hired girl shouted,
&" We've nothin' for tramps (" "Fair
lady, pause" said the visitor; ''Pm
not q tramp nor beggar.n " What
are ye, then?' Madam, I'm a sOIici-
tor-generaL L"-UticG Observer.
SCENE: The outside of an omnibus.
Party (who doesn't know much about
'osses) -" And what do you call the
horse on the right-hand side, driver2
He looks a good sort" Driver" Oh,
that's the of un." Party-"Is it, In
deed? Dear me! Lost both his parents,
I s'pOsep (But what on earth were
they all laughing at9)-PuBeh.
COUNTRY psrson (who is taking the
views of his congregation regarding
the introduction OF an organ) to elder
" parishioner-"W Well, Donald, areyou
in favor of an organ?" Donald (tart-
ly9-" Nor' Country parson-' Then
you don't admire instrumental music"
Donald (seyerely)-"H If ye wu1 haaf
music in ia kirk, let it pc ia bagpipes."
The Scotsman.
A MINISTER who, after a hard days
labor, was enjoying a ''tea dinner,
kept necessarily praising the ham and
saying that "Mrs. Dunlop at hame was
as fond o. ham as he was" when the
mistress kindly offered to send her the
present Of one. ''It's uncO kim o. We,
unco kim bat I'll na put ye to the
trouble o. sending If, I'll Just tax it
hame on the horse afore me" When,
on leaving, he mounted, and the ham
was put into q sack, some difficulty
was experienced in getting it to lie
properly. His inventive genius soon
cut the Gordian knot. 81 I think, mis-
tress, a cheese in the ither end wad
max grand balance" The hint was
Immediately acted on, and like John
Glpin, he moved away with this bal
ance true"
"WHY is it." asks a correspondent,
50 that if LeadVille is SIS bad q place as
you describe it, we never see any of
the people who go there, come backP''
Oh, well, that is easily enough ex-
planned. When q young man sets out
for Leadville, he arrays himself con-
spicuously for day or two prior to
his departure, then he has the fact of
his going and the train he viii take an
nounced in the village paper, and at
the appointed time he goes rafting
down to the depot IN an open carriage
two hours before train time, and sWag-
gers up and down the platform while
he waits, and as the train goes of he
leans out of the window and yells Q
personal goodbye to everybody on the
platform. But when he comes back,
he times his return so as to strike his
native town by 3 back road, after dark,
then ne sneaks home through the a.
leys, climbs over the back fence, taps
at the kitchen window and begs, under
his breath, to be let in, and when he
gets in he stays in led three or four
days, while his new clothes are being
made and the doctor is trying to count
the blisters on his feet Oh, it's easy to
explain why we never see them come
back; but they do come back all the
saIne.-BurljBgtOB HG1Cb-Eys.