Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1879-07-16
Mr. Whooper's Afiiiction.

Mr. Whooper's Afffiction.
Mr.. Whooper came into Judge Perkin':
office the other day, and after drawing q
chair close up to the Judge he took seat,
put his hat on the table, wiped his nose
thoughtfulIy, and said:
- | say, Judge, what do you charge d
man for getting him divorce
"a divorce, Mr. Whooper7 You are
not thinking of that, hopel"
"Well, yes was, said Mr.. Whooper,
with mOurnful air.
"Quarrelled with your wife,"
"Not exactly-but-we | reckon ]
might as well explain the matter to YOU.
You see, love Pandora well enough
think good deal of her, but blame it,
Judge, can't stand her ridiculous ways"
"How do you meanl" "
''Why, you see, she's a somnambulist-
has habit Of walking in her sleep. She
will get up at night, any time almost, and
go fumbling around the house in the most
reckless manner. When she gets tired she'll
turn in anywhere and roost until morning.
| have found her twice sitting on top of the
| flour barrel, sleeping sweet as baby: three
times I've walked her up in the coal bin,
and once, when she had the nightmare, |
found her hanging across the back fence
said she dreamed she was a pillow case,
and that she had been hung there after the
wash to dry tell you it tears a mans
feelings up like thunder"
you Oughto bear it with great resigna-
ton"
'Well, | have tried to; but | can't
About a month ago, while she was mean
dering around in the dining room, she
kicked over a table and made Il terrific
noise. Nearly scared me to death. |
thought there were burglars in the house,
and so sprung a rattle out of the window,
and fired my revolver twice down into the
entry. When the policemen came | let 'em
in, and we began search, with pistols in
our hands. Upon entering the dining room
we found Mrs. WhoOper sitting there, hold
ing an umbrella ON her left arm, as if il was
baby, while she was trying to feed it with
the vinegar cruet. Fast asleep, of course !,
I'm ashamed to meet the neighbOrs on the
street, now; | can hear EN- snicker as / 90
past
"No doubt Mrs. Whooper was sorry ?"
''Oh. of course, sorry, Apologized and
all that " Said she'd never do it again.
But only two nights later she had a vision
or something, moving her to rise, pick up
my waistcOat and shirt from chair, and 20
out and bury them in the asparagus bed.
When she came back | was awake. She
had the shovel over her shoulder, and |
watched her seize my socks and false teeth
and start down stairs with them. | Jumped
out of bed and caught her. shook her
until she woke, and then she tried to beg
off by explaining that she dreamed she had
discovered way of raising waistcOats and
artificial teeth on trees, 50 that she could
pick 'em for me when they were ripe. That
woman has the insanest old dreams that
ever ratified around in a female brain
pan"
at is merely her misfortune
''That's true, That's sol | pity her
but what's man to do! You know the
headboard on our bedstead. Wei. it's
about nine feet high. Last Thursday week
| was walked in the night by a strange
noise. | missed Pandora, but looking
around found her perched on the top OF
the head-bOard with an open umbrella IN
one hand and bandbOx in the other. She
had on a night dress and q sun-bOnnet, and
when / asked her what on earth she was
about, she told me to give some oats to
the off-horse.' Then she kicked the head
board with her heels. uttered a wild cahOOt.
and the next minute she plunged head
downward upon the bed, broke three Stats
and brought her aunt down stairs from the
third story, four steps at a jump, under the
impression that there had been an earth
quake. When she came to she said she q
been reading in the papers about the four
INLAND coaches, and somehow she got to
dreaming she was driving one for bet
Now, / tell you it's pretty hard for a man
to stand this kind of thing, isn't itl "
''Yes, of course
- But would have stood il if she hadn't
carried it a little too far. She asked me
few days ago to let her tie a string to her
ankle and to pine, so that when she got up
in her sleep she would wake me. | agreed.
She said string, mind YOU, but when she
came to do the tying she used the stOutest
kind of twinel Anyhow, all went well
until last night, when Pandora, while asleep,
became impressed with the idea that she
was crossing. the Alps, or swimming the
Atlantic ocean. or something, for she rose
and went over to the staircase. Just as she
reached the top landing her foot must have
caught in the carpet, for she shot down the
stairs head foremost, like a stone out Of
catapult; and, of course, as | was tied to
her, | suddenly went booming out Of bed,
ana the first thing | knew was lying on
the floor feeling little uncertain whether
a volcano had all at once developed under
the bed, or whether barrel of gunpowder
had exploded in the cellar. Then | felt
Pandora pulling at the other end of the
rope, and | comprehended the situation.
When picked her up she said she wasn't
hurt much, and I've no doubt she'll spend
tonight sliding up and down the water
spout on the outside of the house; only
she'll have to go it alone. This lets her out.
I'm going to get divorce. How much will
it cost :"
The Judge promised to give him the in
formation next day, but he didn't call, and
the supposition is that he was persuaded to
give Pandora one more chance. But there
is going to be painful domestic tragedy at
Whooper's some day unless Mrs. W. learns
..n-s l..