The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1879-04-19


After ALL Simon Cameron says it might have
been worsr-lt might have been Nil, Harms
simon Cameron says he Isn't sorry now that it
| is ati-ONGr cOlSo,-eccD
It is hoped, however, now that it is all over,
that Simon will have nothing to do with widows
until he Is old enough to take care Of himself
Albany has an umbrella maker by the name Of
Whisky. Whiskcy always keeps folks dry
Chicayo Times.
The New York Sua cries, "Down with Kings"
Certainly, they are 40 coed, # ths other fellow
holds aces.
! The old song Of Nothing but Tears" is com
Ing in vogue again with the Wcathcrsield girls,
They are planting onions
Colfax cleared $40 900 by his lectures last year,
which shows that fool and his money arc soon
parted Times.
What reason is there for ntimatngth that ColfaX
ha, fooliolly spent all that money:
\ Texas jury arose after the evidence was all
in and requested that the case go to them with
out "any lawyers speeches" and it did.
1t has been found that one swallow doesn't
make a spring. Therefore, if you are in q hurry
for spring, take two or three swallows
Pedestrian Item: Boston fellow has kissed
his girl 40 times in two hours and one lap and
claims the bclt-and all there is in it.-Syr0ctSc
StdHddJR.
Virginius inadvertently stepped ON the body of
Appius Claudius in Il Philadelphia thcater, and
the supposed dead Roman let out loud grunt,
which spoiled the scene and made the audience
laugh.
We acknowledge with thanks the receipt of an
invitation to attend the Worlds Fair at Mel.
bourne, Australia, in 1850. We shall 20 if the
government lends the steamer Richmond to con-
ycy US. Otherwise we can't-our walking days
are over
Some wicked Washington urchins took adyan-
tage Of the 1,t Of April and the appearance of
Widow Oliver to surrcpttou,ly decorate her OF
erskirt behind with q tag bearing the legend,
"Dangcr Here"
Probably there are some persons who viii pay
fifty or twenty five cents, ~ the cas-" may be, to
hear Widow oliver lecture oA Simon Cameron.
Whether there are enough Of thcln to make the
widows new speculation pecuniary success, re-
mains to nc seen. i
4 telegraph operator sent 4 message from Bos
ton to Springfield for accommodations for twenty
"prisoncrs" instead of twenty persons" and
the consequence was that travelling dramatic
was received at the railroad by party
of deputy shcriiis.
In another case the operator in "A rural Maos0- |
chuse,ts town made no mistake, but the clerk in
Boston smiled as he gave a man this message
from his wife: unto US a child is born nine feet
60, I'm. bn
well enough that he was to buy, for Use in the
village church, an illuminated Easter text.
As an evidence of the revival of the iron bust
ness IN Pennsylvania Il Pttsburg paper says, the
Penn Hardware company has taken contract
Tor 100000 worth Of egg heaters to DC filled
within three years. We don't say it is not true,
but il shows an amazing confidence in the hens.
The act of the Republicans in nominating a
negro for clerk of the House, when they knew
hey couldn't elect him is regarded by the Albany
Argt,s as only one more affecting than their omis-
sion to nominate in the years when they
,ould have elected him.
Senator Marshall writes from Springfield TO
he Yorkvillc Record, that he :" believes members
If the general assembly are honest" The. eX-
preston Of confidence in himself and his col
cagucs is comforting in the extreme. But the
senator must feel lonesome in his belief.-Elgin
LedR.r.
1t seems odd but al most anybody has seen
oft -palmed woman pass q hot pie-plate to her
,eighbor at the head Of the table with a smile as
weet as distilled honey, while man with hand
Is horny rs u crocodic's back will drop it to the
loor and howl around like Sioux Indian ut IL
calp dance.
Every now and then some chap writes to
newspaper for recipe to prevent hair from com
ny out If men would 80 home from the lodge I
cforc midnight with their legs sober their hair
wouldn't come out so rapidly. We always go
omc early, and We have more hair now than the
ay we were hOrn.-Nor'iStOtnn UordH. I
\ Frcuchman has been fined 100 francs and
cnt to prison for offering for publication . Far
zeal Bible. The New York UprH doubts, how 4
yer, not having seen the Frcnchman's manu- I,
crypt, whether sin rollicking humor and keen Il
cnsc of the ridiculous III human nIscry and di-
Inc mercy it can compare with Mr.. Tamagc.
The Republicans of milwaukee, have been dis ,
u-~ing President Hayes and the Army Bill One [
pcakcr moved that delegation shouln bee sent
D the capitol to lick the President, but another I
cieatcd the resolution by rcmarking that it was ;
impossible To lick backbone into the iclly-hsh. :
The reporter for Detroit paper, who happened
D br In 1. shoe store at Sandusi>y when lady of =
hat city left an order Tor pair of shoes, was so
stonishcd at the measurement that he copied it: =,
.cngth, Il inches; size around the heel, - inch
3; around the nstcp, IS. inches: around the q
all Of the foot, 10 inches, around the smallest 4
art OF the ankle, 10 inches The young lady q