Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1879-12-06
BABIES.
WHAT MARK TWAIN HAD To SAY os
THIS REMARKABLE THEME.

The ifteenth and last regular toast at
the recent banquet of the Army OF the
Tennessee, in Chicago, at which Gener-
al Grant was present, was ''The Dabies
As they comfort US in onr sorrows,let
MS not forget them in our festivities;
and to this Samuel l.. Clemens respond
ed. He said:
| like that. We have not all had the
good fortune 10 be ladies. We have not
all been generals, or poets or statesmen,
but when the toast works down to the
babies, we stand on common ground
! rlaughter1, for we have all been babies
! TRencwed laughter. 1t is shame that
tor thousand years the worlds ban
! quets have utterly ignored the baby
| laughter as if he didn't amount TO any
thing. Laughter. If you will stop aud
think minute; If you will go back fifty
or one hundred years to your early mar
ried life [laughter] and recontemplate
your first baby, you will remember that
he amounted 10 great deal, aud some,
thing over. Roars. You soldiers all
know that when the little fellow arrived
at family headquarters you had to hand
in your resignation Langhter.l He
took entire command You BECOME his
lackey; hismere body servant laughter
and you had to stand around, too Re
neweG laughter He was not com
mander who made allowances for time,
distance, weather or anything else Con
vulsive screams You had TO execute
his order whether it was possible or not
: rroars1 |, and there was only one form OF
marching in his manual of tactics, and
that was double quick. LShouts. lie
treated you with every sort of insolence
and disrespect laughter, and the bray
est of you didn' dare say word Great
laughter. You could face the death,
storm of Donolson and Nicksburg, and
give back blow for blow, but when he
clawed your whiskerS and pulled your
hair and twisted your nose you had to
take it. rRoars When the thunders
of war were sounding in your ears you
set your faces toward the batteries and
advanced with steady tread, but when
he turned on the terIors OF his warwhoop
daughter you advanced in the other
direction, and mighty glad OF the
chance,t too. [Renewcd laughter. When
he called for soothing syrup, did you
venture to throw out any side remarks
about certain services being unbecom
ing an officer and gentleman! Bois-
ferrous laughter. No, you got up and
got it. Great laughter When he or
dered his "pap bottle and it was not
warm, did you talk back? Laughter.
Not you. Renewed laughter. You
went to work and warmed it, Shouts
You even descended so far in your me-
NAL office as to take suck at that
warm, insipid stuff laughter, just TO
see if 1t was right-three parts water TO
one of milk [tumultans laughter a
touch of sugar to modify the collie
Tlaughter], aud drop of peppermint 10
kill those immortal hiccoughs. Roars.
can taste that stuff. Laughter.
And how many things you learned as
you went along. Sentimental young
folks still take stock in that beautiful
old saying, that when the baby smiles
it is because the angels are whispering
to him. Very pretty, but too thin; sim
ply wind on toe stomach, my friends.
Shouts If the baby proposed to take
walk at his usual hoUr, two o'clock in
the morning laughter], didn't you rise
up promptly and remark, with mental
addition, which would not improve a
Sunday school book much laughter,
that that was the very thing you were
about to propose yourself Great roars
Oh, you were under good dicipline
laughter and as you went pattering
up and down the room in an undress
uniform laughter you not only prattled
undignitied baby-talk, but even tuned
up your martial voices and tried 10 lung
"Rock-a by, Baby, in the tree top" for
instance. Great laughter. What a
spectacle for an Army of the Tennessee
daughter and what an affliction for the
neigEbors, too, for it is not everybody
within a mile around that likes military
music at three o'clock in the morning.
Laughter And when you had been
keeping this sort OF thing up two or
three hours, and your little velvet head
intimated that nothing suited hlm like
exercise and noise Claughter-"Go on
what did you do? You simply went
on until you dropped in the last ditch.
Laughter The idea that baby
doesn't amount to anything! Why,
the bsby is just the house and front
yard full by itself. [Laughter.1 One
baby can furnish more business than
you and your whole Interior Depart
ment can attend to. Laughter. lie
is entcrprising, irrepressible, brim full
/ of lawless activities Laughter DO
what you please, You can't make him
stay on the reservation. Great shouts
Sufficient unto the day is one baby.
/ Laughter As long as you are in
your right mind don't you ever pray for
twins. Laughter. Mr. Clemens is the
father Of a pair. Twins amount TO a
permanent riot [laughterJ, and there
amt any real difference between triplets
aud an insurrection. Uprorions shouts ]
Yes, it was high time for toast TO the
masses to recognize the importance of
the babies. Laughter Think what
is in store for the present crop, fifty
years from now. We shall all be dead.
trust [laughterl, and then this flag, if
it still survlve-and let us hope it may
will be floating over republic number
ing 100000 souls, according 10 the
settled laws of our increase. Our pres