The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1879-04-25
WIT AND HUMOR.

A woMAN's weepins-Tears.
How is that for eyer" was originally
said of Argus.
"CoME, gentle spring; diphtherid
mildness, come"
A WHITEHALL woman calls her hus-
band "Good Resolutions" because he's
always broke.
If you are in love, just constitute
yourself "Teller COMMITTEE" of one,
and settle the business.
On account of having invented the
Socratic method, Socrates is called the
why -is-est man in Greece.
The favorite resource of the Turks is
ocrastination-their national weapon
is the yet again, as it were.
SIMPLE pity amt much better to
person than an Insult: but to pity him
with S. bill is bizziness.-J. Billings.
Who was the author of that little
poem beginning:
yTis sweet to love- but oh. how bitter
To love girl and then not git heri
"WHAT's the man yelling at?" asked
farmer of his boy. Why" chuckled
the boy, he's yelling at the top of his
voice."
A CRUsTY bachelors objection to
ladies with beautiful teeth is that nine
out of ten of them would laugh at a
funeral.
"CAN a clergyman marry himself?"
asks an exchange. We suppose he can,
but we are afraid he would not be
happy couple.
A BACHELOR cynic remarks that it is
singular how early in life child gains
the reputation of resembling the rich
est and best-looking of his relatives.
"Is THAT air tight ?" inquired man
in a hardware store as he examined
stove. mo, sir" replied the clerk;
"air never gets tight" He lost Gus
toner.
NEVER use slang. 1t may not always
apply. Listen as A. comes into BIS
room. Says B.: "How do you like
my new shoes?" A.-"Oh. they're
immense!"
AN impossible feat for female pc
destrian is to walk thousand miles in
thousand hours past thousand MILL
merry stores displaying the latest styles
of spring bonnets.
A DUBLIN professional man addressed
an artisan, who was waiting in his hall,
rather brusquely-"Halloa, you fellow,
do you want me?" The answer was
neat-"No, yer homer, I am waiting
for a gentleman
ARE you engaged?" said a gentle
man to young lady from Marysville at
the ball the other evening was,
but if that Pete johnson thinks I'm
going to sit here and see him squeeze
that freckle-faced Wilkins girls hand
all the evening, he'll be mistaken, soil
taire or no solitaire"
Up in the loft the old man kept keg
OF the very best. The carpenter, who
was working on the first floor, was
found in the loft, and tried to fool the
old gent by saying that he had just
come up to measure a rafter. The old
un simply winked as he said, L think
you're after my measure"
COLUMBUS avenue, Sunday afternoon
Miserable street mucker to Snodkins,
the belt of whose ulster was dragging:
Il say, old boss, if you don't tighten
your belly-band you'll lose your
blanket" (And Snodkins had to keep
on looking pleasant, as if he hadn't
heard it.)-HarUard Lampoon.
CRITICAL SoPH--"Don't you think,
sir, that the use of the term hoplite is
an instance of great inconsistency on
the part of the Greeks?" Tutor-"Why
how so, Mr.. o." Critical Student
well, you know hoplite means heavy
armed man; and if man was heavy
armed, I don't see how he could hop
light"
A BAsHFUL young man could defer
the momentous question no longer, so
he stammered: Martha, lido YOU
you must have-are you aware that the
good book says-er, says that it is not
g-g-good that m-man should be alone?"
"Then hadn't you better run home to
your mother?" Martha coolly sug-
gested.
A RAILROAD company suspecting dead
heads put a detective on the track.
One day he heard passenger remark
that it was very easy to go from B
to D without ticket. He watched
the speaker and was surprised to see
him hand the conductor ticket. Get
ting into conversation with the passen-
ger, he said, I'D like to know your plan
for travelling without ticket, and don't
mind giving you a couple of dollars for
it." Done" said the man, pocketing
the bill. when want to travel with
out ticket walk"
SPRING.
What q beautiful time IL spring.
When the woodchuck begins to sing,
And the bumblebee and chickadee
Garry their heads around In a sling;
When the black and tickling ants
Crawl up the young mans pants
And the straddlebug and mosquito hug,
While the spiders engage In dance;
And the bird gets drunk on dew,
And offers the robin q chew,
While the great owl blinks and the sparrow winks
| At the wife of the gray cuckoo;
And the coon goes OF on spree
Along with the chipmunk and flea;
The odorous skunk gets laundering drunk,
And tries TO make love to the bee.
-Burdene.
IT is stated that Minnesota miller
has invented an entirely new process of
grinding wheat, which does away with
the mill.stones now in use, and substi-
tvtao <borafor a vertically n, N uino grau-