The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1879-10-11
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

Good butter--A 2-year old goat
A smoke house-A cigar store.
storm scenter-The barometer.
The most ancient of trees-Thc elder.
Down in front-An ncipient mustache,
Satisfied at last-A contented shoemaker
Sure cure for bad spells-A dictionary.
You can learn from the thermometer the TEN.
perature by degrees.
Definition by young naturalist-A dromedary
is a camel ''that has got his back up twice
The human race probably began when Adam
and Eve got start out OF the garden.
81 know shall go straight to heaven if hung, "
remarked Virginia murderer, but yet would
leete rather be pardoned by the Governor
The difference between a woman and nm UNI
brella is that there are times when you can smut
up an umbrella. -!SteuJenuhe HcrdM.
Gladstone SAYS Beaconsteld is regular old
woman-probably because he spends his time
darning Afghans.
A gentleman who was asked for his marriage
certificate quietly took his hat oil and pointed to
bald spot The evidence was conclusive.
Mrs. van iylOne. GU Hhu ucltcl op'H thS
blinds in front this morning, Bridget, and if any
one calls say that we are coming to town to-
morrow"
4 Milwaukee paper says Il young woman IN
that city who writes well is training herself FOR
an editor" We can't commend her taste II it is
any Milwaukee editor she is training hcrsclffor
The Cincinnati CdH mentions an Ohio paper
that has been publishing continued story,
called the Wasp" for five months, and is now
in distress because the writer shows no sign OF
getting to the end being afraid Of it.
The lily droops its gentle head.-Er The mule
stands sadly meath the shed.--Shelirock Ne,rs.
The north wind makes fellow shiver.-Peoria
Journal And holler out for more bed aiyer.-
Diroa Sun. o time, how varied is thy sway
Vaicrto,ca Jour- 'Twixt Easter-tide and lection
day
mud turtle can neither fly, sing, galop, cry,
or go blackberrying, and yet, if they are letaone,
they get along Just aa well as the young man
who tries to be funny at lawn party.-Ntrot
FIRE. Press
Money invested in good gun is not thrown
away.-Anboy Journal.
Certainly not, but the hours spent in finding
the shot in your shin bone nay be set down as
lost time.-Dtc0H Sun.
Why can't grapes be filed with sugar Instead
OF seeds ?-Dctroit Free Press. They can be when
the seeds are out. Hadn't you thought OF that!
--ChtcdgO Journal.
By referring to "The fatted calf, as in the case
Of Joseph Of old" is the way Joliet editors show
their familiarity with scripture.
The Mongols ascertained the number OF the
enemies slain by eating of the right ear Of each
OF the dead.-E1.
Whenever the great Mongol invasion Of Amer.
lea takes place, and the barbaric hordes reach
ST. Louis they will leave the ears OF the slain and
take the rest of the bodies as being more porta-
be.-ChicGgo Tribune.
When Hayes and his party showed themselves
from the rear platform of their Pullman at Han
nibal last week man in the gaping crowd cried
out-"We have seen Mr. Hayes, Mrs. Hayes and
Gen. Sherman-now where is the President? Il
don't see Tilden."
When ia a married man birdy When he
comes home at two A. N. p. S.-For the benefit
Of bachelors Gt not being necessary for the mag
RED faction) we explain that when d man comeB
home at the hour named his wife makes him
quail
He was inclined to be facetous. what guam
titles of dried grasses you keep here, Miss Steb-
bins! Nice room for donkey to get intow
Make yourself at home" she responded, with
sweet gravity.
Score another for the cutty-pipc! Mrs. Marga-
ret Duncan, the Oldest woman in Scotland, who
died at Cupar Angus on Tuesday at the age OF
lO6 having been born in ITS, was great
smoker, and until recently when she became
lid IN of har ShaI
leaves an orphan only sixty years of age.
1t is stated in Washington dispatches that Sec
rotary Sherman has had fifty crayon busts Of
himself struck OFF for distribution among the
custom. houses and sub.treasuries 10 help along
the Sherman boom. The Secretary has gone to
a useless expense. Since the arrival OF Grant at
San Francisco the Sherman boom is past any
further busting.
Two souls with but one single thought,
Two hearts that bill and coo;
He said: 81 am DOR sugar plum,
Whose sugar plum is 90"
Then she said: ~ am Bill Smiths sugar plum,
and don't want any Of your taiiy.' SO he picked
up his hat and went out into the world, and there
was GOODNESS between them ever after.-Stu
beEUiNe HerdH
Grant refused to see Kearncy because Dennis
being an honest drayman who had never stolen
money either from individuals or the govern
ment Grant had too much regard for his good
fame to have him mix with the whisky thieves,
treasury punderers and robbers OF broken banks,
by whom the boom" was being engineered.
Blaine made terrible bull last week in his
frat speech in the present Ohio campaign.
Vote for the men whsfought for their country"
said he. As Ewing and Rice, the democratic
candidates, had fought all through the war, while
Foster staid al home and sold calico to the sol
diers' widows at G5 cts. a yard, Blaine's speech
was regarded 10y the stalwarts as brutal thrust
OF their candidate.
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