Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1879-02-27
A wife who is seldom at Home.

When the peddler rang Mr.. Birds
door-bell, the other day, Mr.. Bind
himself opened the door. Mr.. Bird
had the baby upon his arm, and there
we're four other children at his heels.
is the lady Of the house imp asked
the peddler.
Certainly she isn'tr replied Mr.. Bird.
She is out. She Is pereunially and
eternally outi'
Where can see her?'
why, 20 down to the Woman Suf
frage Club rooms, and il she is not
there. go to the Society for the Preven-
tion of Cruelty TO Animals, and If she
is not there, visit the hall Of the Asso.
citation for Alleviating the Miseries of
the Senegambians, and II she has fn-
ished up there, look for her at the
Church Aid Society, or at the 9th Ward
Soup House, or at the Home for the
One legged, or at the Refuge for ln-
firm Dogs, Ur at the Hospital for the|
Asthmstic, or at the st. POllycarp Or
phan Asylum, or at least some of these
places. II you can get ON her trail,
you'll see more paupers, and strong
minded women, and underclOthing for
the hesthen than you ever saw in the
whole course OF your hfe.'
Il wanted to sell her q cold-handIe
hat-iron, just out. Do you think she
will buNspHe?
She wsIiif you can prove that the
naked ctnnlbals In Senegambia are
yearnina for cold-handle fiat-irons. !
She would buy diamond bresst-pins for
those niggers il they wanted them, ] |
believe.
Il intended also TO offer her a new
kind OF iBmovable hsir-pin, which,
All right. You just go down to the !
Home for the One-legged, and persuade
those eripples to cry for immovablel |
hair-pins, and she'll order them by the
tom ,e i8Is
HAS she any children?'
We'll f4'm the one that appears tOI
have 'em, just now. anyhow
Because I've got a gum top for q
feeding bottle; this is the incest thing
you ever saw fH 1WFH01
Now said Mr.. Bird, 'Ill tell you
what to de. You get these paupers to
swear they can't eat the soup they get
at the soup-bouse with spoons, but they
must hsve bottle with rubber noZ-
zie, and Mrs. Bird will keep you so busy
supplying the demand that you won't
have chance to sleep. You Just try
it. Buy up the paupers; bribe 'emp
How'll | know her IL see her?'
why, she'sa large woman with |.
bent nose, and she talks all the time.
You'll hear her talking as soon as you
get within mile OF her. She'll ask |
you to subscribe to the Senegambia
fund, and 10 the Asthmatic Asylum,
before you can get your breath. Prob
ably she will read you four or five let>
ters from reformed csnnibals. But
don't mind them at all. My opinion
is that she wrote 'em herself.'
Shall i tell her you told me to call
upon her?'
1T don't make any difference. But
you might mention that since she left
home the baby has had four fits, John
ny has fallen of the pear tree and
cracked his skull. Mary and Jim both
have something like the Group, and
Tommy has been bitten by Jones' dog.
1t won't excite her; she won't care a |
cent; but I'd like her to have the latest
news. Tell her If she can manage to
drop in here for 4 minute between now
and the Fourth of July, she might
maybe wash the baby and give the
other children chance to remember
how she looks. But she Deedn't come
If 1t will interfere with the hsppiness
OF the one legged mendicants, or make
her asthmatic patients miserable. I
Mind and mention 1t to her now, will.
your
i will'
All right, then. I'll go in and put
some fresh sticking -plaster on Johnny's
skull L
And with the baby singing q vocif-
ing TO his legs, Mr.. Bird retreeted and
shut the door. The peddler had de-
70 propose to girl that
night. He changed bis mind, and rel
solved to remain Q bachelor.-MaxI I
Adeler. ffa4elafs t. ~.