The Worthington advance., 1879-01-09
Wit and HulnOr.

waist Just! 4! !-22 q! ! y
nonsense! You don't believe it! Fact. But
don't repeat it; its only waste OF words
"What is the name of your cat, sir?'
inquired visitor. "His name was VIII
lism," said the host, ''until he had tits
and since then we have called hum Fitz
William"
Love is deaf as we'll as blind. If it
wasn't, how could the tendrils of woman's
affection wind themselves about the man
who talks through his Eoee2--Breakfast
Table.
A coxcomb, talking of the trausmigra-
tion of souls, said: "1n the time Of
Moses, l have no doubt was the golden
calf" "Very likely" replied lady, land
time mas robbed sou of nothing but the
aiding"
Fussy and partially deaf officer, in
specting stables: .'Ah, Smith, what on
earth have you been cleaning your har-
ness with2'' Smith-Nothing, sir. Off
cer-Ab, then don't do it with that again !;
see how it rots the leather.
1t is when a dry goods clerk of sixty
seven pounds weight attempts to help
from a farm wagon farmers wife of 202
| pounds weight. that the reporter seats
himself contentedly on the curbstone and
waits for the catastrophe.-I.os Angles
! Star.
A gentleman who resides very close to
the railroad was praying one evening,
when train of cars came by, and his lit
tie girl remarked to him. "Pa! pa! what
is the use of praying while the cars al e
going by2 God cannot hear you."--
Rochester Union.
"What have they taken the hands off the
town clock for2' asked citizen who had
walked half.square, and looked around
the corner seven or eight times, only to find
a blank face staring at him. "ro warm
them, you ol," put in street. corner
ornament, foo stood leaning against a
building wiring hard enough to shake
it down.
professor in Leipsic University asked
4 student what the Aurora Borealis was.
Putting his finger to the side of his head
and looking wise, the student said, II
know very we'll, but forgot just now wha.
lis" "There," said the professor, 1--WE
are in fix. The only man in the world
who ever knew what the Aurora is, has
forgotten
Mamma (who has been screaming at
the top Of her voice for over ten minutes,
to Johnny, who has just crawled down
from the hay-lofD: You naughty,
naughty boy. why didn't you answer me
beforel' Johnny (very innocently):
"Weally and truly, mamma, l didn't
hear you till you called free or four
times. s."-PucI.
A Bridgeport man stopped his pape,
because it didn't contain a sure cure fol
dyspepsia, as usual. The infa:lible rem.
edy for consumption was there al right
out by some accident the dyspepsia cure
was left out. He was awfuIly Indignant,
and said he was IS years old, and had
never known paper to fail like that be-
fore.-Bridgeport Standard.
"Can you tell nae where Washington :
monument is?" asked rural gentleman in
Charles street, Baltimore, the other day
"Just lift your eyes off the ground" said
the person addressed, rather tartly, "and
you'll see it." swell, 1 have lifted my
eyes" said the rural party, looking his in
formant calmly IN the face, IAN dom
see nuthin' but blamed old fool"
During dense fog Mississippi
steamboat took landing. A traveller, anx
ious to 60 ahead, came to the unpcrtur
bed manager Of the wheel and asked why
they had stopped. "Too much fog; can
sec the river" But you can see tn.
; stars overhead" 'Yes," replied the ur
bane pilot, "but until the boiler burst.
we amt going that way" The passcn
ger went to bed.
She sat upon the parlor lounge,
And William, he sat by her;
And neither spakc a sin gle word,
But both gazed in the fire.
At last he clasped her dimplcd hand,
And told her Of his love,
And swore that he'd be true to her,
BY moon and stars above.
He said he could not live without
Before he could say more
The father came. and with club
Entice,l him out the door.
The little folks wanted the head of thu
family to spend the evening with them
Father said he thought of attending ,
meeting. Various measures were dis
cussed for keeping father at home, wher
Tommy, aged five, addressed his brother
aged seven, as follows: "I1l tell you wha
we'll do. Well put sign on the from
door-'No admittance to 90 out of tn,
house nigLts.'"
Ono of Murphy's men called at drul
store yester lay, and after vainly search
ing his pocket, said, Il believe I've los
that prescription"
II understand your case, sir" said th'
clerk. "Step back of that door to th,
right; you'll find your medicine on tn,
SHELF
"But"-began the customer.
"No danger, sir. You'll recognize the
: smell. just leave quarter on the SHELF
The Springfield Republican saws on,
seldom sees anything voluptuous or fam
boyant, or, on the other hand, anything
blanched and etiolated" ameng the Bostol
girls. Right. But what you always d,
see, when you meet representative Boston
girl, is her last translation of the Dies Ira
clasped in her right hand, and in he
left sonnet either to Brahma, the Over
SOUL or the Old South.-Albany Ece:in.
Journal.
! A promising youth recently surprised
his father by asking, "Father, do YOU
like mother?" "Why, yes, OF course
"Ana she likes you;'' ''Of course sht
does" "Dld she ever say soa' Many
time, my son." did she marry you
because she owed your "Certainly she
did," The boy carefully scrutinized hi.
parent, and after a long pause, asked
well, was she as near sighted as she il
now?"
Mrs. M. is beautiful, rich, and fashion
able, but is unable to read. One day
while calling on her friend, Mrs. B., she
perceived a richly bound copy of the
Bible, and, smiling, she imputed if she
might take it home and read it. Wend
ering much, Mrs. B., assented, and one
week later the book was returned
Were you pleased with it2' asked Mrs.
B., dryly. The sweet b.ue eyes of Mrs