The Hawaiian gazette. [volume] (Honolulu [Oahu, Hawaii]) 1865-1918, 1879-10-22
Mark Twain az n Presidential /; I
Candidate.

This is the way in which Mark Twain once
announced himself as candidate for President
have pretty much made up my mind to run
for President What the country wants is a
candidate who ca:not be injured by investiga-
ton OF his past history, that the enemies of
the party will be unable TO rake up anything
against him that nobody ever heard Of before.
II you know the worst about candidate to be-
gin with every attempt TO spring things on him
will be checkmated Now ] am going TO enter
the field with an open record. ] am going to owe
up in advance 10 all the wickedness | have done,
and if any Congressional Committee is dis
posed to prowl around my biography in the hope
Of discovering any dark aud deadly deed that
have secreted. why-let it prowl.
In tine first place admit That freed rheu-
matte grandfather of mine G the winter oil 1850
He was old aud inexpert in climbing trees, but
with the hearless brutality that is characteristic
of me i ran him out OF the front door IN his
night-sbirt at the point of shotgun and caused
him TO bowl up maple tree. where be remained
all night. while | emptied shot into bis legs.
did this because be snored. | will do il again
if ever have another grnnfalher. am as in
buman now as ! was in 1850. ] candidly ac-
knowledge that ran nway at the battle OF Get
iysburg. My friends have tried to smooth over
this fact by asserting that did SO for the pur.
pOcC
the woods at Valley Forge for the purpose of
saying his prayers. 1t was miserable subter-
fuge. | struck out 10 a straight line Tor the
rropic of Cancer because was scared. want
ed TO have my country saved, but | preferred to
have somebody else save it. | entertain that
preference yet. II the bubble reputation can be
obtained only at the lannon's mouth, am will
ling TO go there for it, provided the cannon
is empty. If it is loaded my immortal and in
flexible purpose is TO get over the fence and go
| home. My invariabe practice in war has been
to bring out of every fight two-thirds more men
than when | went in. This seems to be NapO-
eonic in its grandeur.
My financial views are of the most decided
character but they not likely. perhaps, to IN
crease my popularity with the advocates Of infa-
ton. do not insist upon the special supremacy
of the rag money or bard money The great
fundamental principle of my life is to take any
| kind ] can get
The rumOr that | buried dead aunt under
/ my grapevine was correct. The vine needed
lurtilzing. my aunt had to be buried, and dedi.
Gated her to that purpose. Does that unfit me
| for the Presidency? The Constitution of our
country does not say so. No other citizen was
ever considered unworthy of this Office because
he enriched his grape-v vines with his dead rea.
tives. Why should | be selected as the first
victim of an absurd prejudice?
admit also that | am not friend of the poor
man. | regard the poor man, in his present con-
dilion. so much wasted raw material. Cut up
and properly canned be might be made useful to
tatten the natives of the cannbal islands and to
improve our export trade with that region.
shall recommend legislation upon the subject IN
my first message. My campaign cry will be
''Desscate the poor working man stuff him into
sausages."
These are about the worst part of my record
On them ] come before the country. If my
country don't want me, l will 90 back again
But recommend myself as safe mana man
who starts from the basis of total depravity and
proposes to he fendsh to the last.