Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1879-11-01
Rich, Rare and Racy.
Mark TWaiE,s Presidential Bid wherein
He Omns.up All lie Did.

al have pretty much made up my mini to
run for President What the country wants
is a candidate who canuot he injured by inyes-
I tigaiiou OF his past history, so thai the enc
mics Of the party will be unable to rake UP
! anything against him that nobody ever beard
/ Of before. If you know the worst about a
candidate, 10 begin with. every attempt 10
spring things on him will be checkmated.-
/ Now ON going to enter the field with All
open record | am going TO own up in ad-
/ vsnce 10 al the wicke1ness have done. and
/ if any Congressional committee is disposed to
prowl around my biography in the hope Of
discovering any dark and deadly deed that ]
have secreted, why-let it prowl.
"In the first place, admit that | treed a
rheumatic grandfather OF mine in the winter
of 1850. lie was old and ine,pe't in. climb
ng trees. but with the henrtless brutality that
is characteristic OF me ran him out Of the
/ front doJr in his uight-shrt at the point Of 8
shot gun. and caused him 20 bowl up maple
tree. where he remained all nighi. while
emp,.ed shot into his legs. I did this because
( he snored | will do i. again il ever have
another grandfather. am rs inhuman now
as ! was iu 1850.
81 capdidly acknowledge that ran away at
the battle Of Gettysburg. My friends have
tried 10 smooth over this fact by asserting that
/ did 20 for the purpose OF initiating Washing
( ton. who went into the woods at Valley Forge
/ Tor the purpose of saying his prayers. u was
miserable subterfuge. struck out 10 a
straight line for the Tropic Of Cancer because
! was scared / wanted my country saved,
! but preferred 20 have somebody else save il.
/ I entertain that preference yet. II the bubble
reputation csn be obtained only at the Gao
/ mons month am willing 10 go there for Il.
provided the cannon is empty. II il is load
ed my immortal and inflexiblc purpose is TO
/ Get over the fence and 90 home Ny invaria-
BILE practice 10 war has been 10 bring out OF
every e. ght two-tnirds more men thin | had
when went in. This seems TO me to be Ma
poeonic 10 its grandeur.
"My financial views are Of tie most de-
cided character, but they are not likely, per-
baps, to increase my popularity with the ad-
yoc.tcs Of initiation. DO not insist upon the
special supremacy Of rag money OF hard mon
ey. The great fundamental principle OF ny
life is 20 take any kind can get.
"Tbe rumor that buried dead aunt IN
der NV grapevine was correct. The vino
becsfb lcftlilNiups NY e""f '"' ~ ~ S"''N-
and dedicated her 20 this high purpose
Does that unfit me for the Presidency? The
constitution Of our country does not say so.-
No other citizen was ever considered unworthy
of this Office because be enriched bis grape
vines with his dead relatives. Why should !
be selected as the frst victim Of an absurd
prejudice?
II admit that am not The friend Of the
poor man. regard the poor man, in bis pre-
sent condition, as so much wasted raw material.
Cut up and properly canned, he might be
made useful to fatten the natives Of the can
uibal islands and toimprove our export trade
with that region. shall recommend leeisla-
ton upon the subject in nv first message
My campaign cry will be 'Desiccate the poor
workiugman stuff him into sausages.
.'Thesa are about the worst parts Of my re-
cord On them come before the countrs.-
If NY country don't want me, viii go back
again. Bot I recommend myself as safe
mana man who starts from the basis Of to-
tai derraviiy and proposes to be hendish to
the lasi"