The comet., 1879-11-29
MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.
Response of Samuel l.. Clemens at
tile Banquet of the Army OF the
Tennessee.

The following is Mark Twain's re-
sponse to the toast Babies" which
was the humorous event of the occa-
sion. The fifteenth and last regular
toast was "'The Babies-As they COM
fort us in our sorrows, let us not forget
them in our festivities" and to this
Samuel L. Clemens responded. He
said:
From the Cincinnati Enquirer.
I like that. We have not all had the good
fortune to be ladies'. We have not all been
Generals, or poets or statesmen, but when
the toast works down to the babies, we
stand on common ground, laughterI for
we have all been babies. Renewed
laughter 1t is shame that for thousand
years the worlds banquets have utterly ig-
nored the baby laughter as if he didn't
amount to anything. Laughter. If you
will stop and think a minute if you will
90 back fifty or a hundred years to your
early married life laughter aud recontem-
plate your first baby, you will remember
that he amounted to good deal, and even
something over. [Roars. You soldiers all
know that when the little fellow arrived at
family headquarters you had to. hand in
your resignation. Laughter He took
entire command. You became his lackey !;
his mere baby-servant laughter and you
had to stand around, too. Renewed
laughter He was not commander who
made allowances for time, distance or any
thing else. TConvulsive screams.
You had to execute his order whether it
was impossible or not [roars and there was
-nI, ,F raI,i iurr in lid m al
of tactics, and that was the double quick.
He treated you with every sort of insolence
and disrespect TlaughteI, and the bravest
of you don't dare say word. Great
laughter You could face the death-storm
of Doneison and Vicksburg, and give back
blow for blow, but when he clawed your
nose, you had to take it. Roars When
the thunders of war were sounding in your
ears you set your faces toward the batteries
and advanced with steady tread, bat when
he turned on the terrors of his war whoop
TIaughterl you advanced in the other direc-
tion, and mighty glad of the chance, too.
1Renewed laughter When he called for
soothing syrup did you venture to throw
out any remarks about certain services be-
ing unbeeoming an officer and gentleman!
TBoisterous laughter. No. When he or
deled his ''pap bottle" and it was not warm
did you talk back? Laughter. Not you.
[Renewed laughter. You went to work
and warmed If. Shouts. You even de-
scended so far in your menial Office as to
take suck at that warm, insipid stuff
laughter, Just to see if it was right, three
parts water to one of milk [tumultuous
laughter, a touch of sugar to modify the
collie laughter, and drop of peppermint
to kill those immortal hiccoughs. Roars.
1 can taste that stuff. Laughter
And how many things you learned as you
went along, Sentimental young folks still
take stock in that beautiful old saying, that
when the baby smiles it is because the an
gels are whispering TO him. Very pretty,
but too thin; simply wind on the stomach,
MY friends [Shouts- II the baby pro-
posed TO take walk at his usual hour, 2
O'Clock in the morning, [Iaughter,l didn't
You rise up promptly and remark, with a
mental addition which would not improve q
Sunday school book much. [laughterl, that
that that was the very thing you were about
to propose yourself? Great rosrs- Oh,
You were under good discipline laughter,
and as you went pattering up and down the