Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1879-09-07
WIT AND WISDOM.

When we humans are asked sor a dol
lar to help bury poor fellow, we shell
out immediately; but there are those
among ms who would not give the dollar
to the poor fellow before he died.
A woman in New York says that when
her husband is little drunk he, kicks
her, and that when he is very drunk she |
kicks him and she adds that she does
most Of the kicking.
why, Willie" said his mother at din
ner, "you can't possibly eat another
plate OF pudding, can you?' ''Oh, yes, I
can, ma; one more plate will just I'LL the
Bill"
"But you know, pa said the farmers
daughter, when he spoke to her about the
addresses of his neighbours son-"you
know, pa, that ma wants me to marry
man of culture $50 do I, my dear
so do /; and there's no better culture
in the country than agriculture
Thrift is one of the Iowa virtues. A
Davenport clergyman was called upon to
marry couple one night last week.
They were nicely dressed, in their twen-
ties, and we'll to-do. After the cere-
mony had been performed, the groom
thrust his hand in his pocket and fshed
out three quarters, which he held in the
palm of his hand, saying to the minister
'There, take your pay from that!' "Let
ussee," mused the minister, Sthe publish
ing Of the marriage notice will cost half
dollar! 20. will it9'' replied the
groom; "well, them take the whole oft!
it amt much matter, anywayw
Mr.. E. P. Whipple was once intro
duced by the chairman of a rural lyceum
as follows: Tonight, fellow-citizens,
we are to hear some remarks from E. P.
Whipple, of Boston, who will amuse and
instruct you, pro6a6ly!" DR. Bellows tells
of a man who dropped dollar in his
hand, with the remark: II heerd your
lectur' last night. Iapprove your views,
and want to sec 'em foraded"
There are few, even among the good
notices of our time. which will rival the
following, when carefully put into prac-
tise. 1t contains within few words the
positive, the comparative and the super
tative duty of man: ''Get on; get honor;
keep honest.
Meeting trouble halfway is pitiful
exhibition Of folly. So is breaking your
neck or falling in love; but if you happen
to have a weakness that way you can't
always, somehow help it. Besides, lit
tie worry now and again, Is the mustard
of life.
While swinging their hoes in the weedhaun-
ted rows,
Where beans and tomatoes were growing,
The son to his father set out to remark,
AS warmly the sunbeams were glowing,
Why is this spot to the place that was not
known to fame till that apple proceedin'?"
Il pass J" quoth the parent; then answered
the son,
Because tits the garden o: weedin.w
''There is a heavy European hegira this
year," remarked an old lady with com
pact forehead and a chin more pronounc.
ed than ever, since her teeth were all
gone. 81 wonder what he gira is any
how. He must be something dreadful.
I never heard of a she gira; SO that shows
which sex preponderates in wickedness."
''The party of the other part" mild-eY-
ed rather meek-looking gentleman, who
had cherished the lovely creature above
quoted his wife for thirty or forty years,
remarked, on reading the same item a
few hours later: "a he gira, eh? A gander
scrape, I s pose. No ladies going. Won't
they have blessed time, thought" Such
is ife.-Amer1can Punch.
The surgeon had prescribed bath for
a soldier who was a little ailing, and or
dered that he be conducted to an adioin-
ing establishment by a sergeant. At the
end of an hours waiting at the bathroom
door the sergeant, hearing no noise, en-
tered the room, and found the soldier seat
cd by the side Of the bath-tub. The wa
ter was as 1t was when the soldier went
into the room, except that its level had
been pcrceptibly lowered. "dIa fol, ser
geant,' said the soldier "you may put
me in the guard-house if you want to, but
l can drink another drop"
When a man comes up to US anil men
tons "that little BILL" we reply: "Oh,
yes; we should have fixed that some time
ago, aut had to 60 t. Memphis ia write
about the scourge. Just got back to day.
Come down ts the Office and we'll give
you the money; it's in our travelling bag"
And he says he's got to run to catch
train.
In little town in Missouri lady teach
er was exercising class of juveniles in
mental arithmetic. She commenced the
question. eff you buy COW for $40"
when up came little hand. What is it,
ohnny?" "Why, you can't buy no kind
a COW fol- $40. Father sold one for
$50 the other day, and she was regular
old scrub at that
Virginia has reason to be proud Of
model Judge. His name is Barksdalc.
At Halifax court house two men were
fighting. A crowd stood around seeing
the fun. Watch in hand, the Judge
stopped and said to the principals: If
you are here five minutes hence ! will
Jail yon." The fight ended at once.
A Detrolter cured long and severe at
tack of neuralgia by falling down. That's
nothing. Some years ago Norristown
youth VAS cured of bad habit of swear
ing by falling off a cherry tree. Not
single oath passed his lips since The
fall broke his neck.
First Honest Villager-'W how
did Jean Pierre come out? Did they con-
vict him of poaching?" Second honest
villager-"No; there was no evidence
against him, and he swore solemnly that
he was innocent" First honest villager
with fearful snee1)- "Innocent2 o,
yes, he's innocent; just as innocent as I
am. The COMPOUNDED scoundrelr'
In sick-room: "Ah, my dear friend,
you are too kind to come and spend the
evensng with me, though of course, it