Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1879-09-30
LAUGHABLE LACONICS.

stepped on the girls foot in the dance.
"Don't apologize, said she; "beaux on
the shoes are fashionable, and We can
stand anything for style"
GATH says blamed fool can edit a
newspaper. You needn't come around
this office limiting at your qualifications,
Gath, for we don't believe in that kind,
and there is no vacancy in our force.
"BLEss me, Emily, you don't look as
well as usual Indeed, do not think |
ever saw you looking as old as you look
to-day" "My dear, never was as old
as am to-day"
WHEN an extravagant friend wishes
to borrow your money, consider when
of the two YOU would rather lose.-Er.
We've been there, thank you, and lost
both.
An exchange says Pennsylvania Dutch
girls make good preserves; butt doesn !
say how much sugar you take to pound
ofDutch girl, nor how long you let 'em
boil.-PeRsdcOld Adrdnce.
Too MUCH refinement is bad. Call a
San Francisco man square, and he likes
it; but a Boston man OF culture, who
called a Friscan quadrilateral, promptly
got filled with buckshOt.-BOSton Post
WOMEN somehow get over childish no.
tious that men never outgrow. Some
men celebrate the anniversary OF every
birthday as long as they live, while wo-
men quit doing so almost as soon as
| they grow up.
IT being claimed by one Of the sternerr
sex that man was made first and lord OF
creation, the question was asked by an
indignant beauty how long he remained
lord of creation. "Till he got wife.
was the reply.
An agent was in recently TO sell us a
safe. We investigated, and found that
a safe was a square iron box used to
put money and valuables in for the con-
venience of burglars, who otherwise
might experience difficulty in finding
them. -MdrdihOn Independent.
An Irishman went to the theatre for
the first time. Just as the curtain de-
scended on the first act boiler in the
basement exploded, and he was blown
| through the roof, coming down IN the
next street. After coming to his senses
he asked: can what piece do yez play
! neXt|
IT was a very mean man who slipped
his hand between the heads OF young
man and young lady in the front seat,aa s
| the train entered the tunnel. lie SAID
afterward the young mans beard was
very stiff, but the pressure on the other
side of his hand felt like the tips OF iur
tie.-Oa CITY Derrick.
THE Danbury Ne,cs says the time vii!
come when all civilized nations viii
speak one language and drink one beer
That will be happy day for the per
sons who are now employed IN tht
| TEMPERANCE movement. But we don
believe such a day will come. "OnC
beer" would not be drop apiece Tor al
civilized nations.-NorriStor Herald.
In San Francisco General Grant heard
Pinalore for the first time III his lie
How striking must have been the con,
trast between his fresh face, as the band
reeled off those dreadful melodies, and
the haggard cOuntenances OF those
around him who had gone through the
epidemic All, General, General, you
| little know the suffering that Is before
you!
"SEE." said reverend gentleman,
"here is an illustration. At one time
should have sworn awfully at this fly
but. look now" Raising his hand, he
said gently, 600 away, fly, go away.
But the iiv ONLY tickled his nose the
more. The reverend gentleman, raising
his hand with some vehemence, made
grab at the offender, and, being success
full, opened it to throw the insect iron
him, when, in extreme disgust he eN
claimed: "Why, d-n it, it's wasp.
A SERVANT of an old maiden lady, {
patient of DIR. Poole, formerly Of Edln
buryh, was under orders to 60 TO the
Doctor every morning toreport the state
with strict injunctions always to prefix
"wlth her compliments" At length
one morning the girl brought this eX'
traOrdinary message: "Miss SIS
compliments, and she died last night al
O'Clock "-ChGmbcr'S Journal
A CINCINNATI gentleman, once i'm
mensely wealthy, was reduced to power
ty by umbrella thieves, has invented q
novel umbrella by which he hopes ia
build up his shattered fortune and get
even with the men who robbed him.
There is nothing peculiar in the appear,
ance of this new-fangled umbrella but
each and every one of them is an infer,
nal machine set to blow off the head OF
any person who attempts to move ii
from the spot where the owner left it.
As an advertisement, 100000 of these
terrible instruments OF destruction,
each containing double charge, were
distributed among our citizens last night,
and will be in use after daylight this
morning. - Cincinnati Enquirer