Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1879-06-28
MARK TWAIN AND THE
PRESIDENCY.
He Offers Himself as "a Candidate
and Points to His "RecOrd."

Mark Twain has published the follow
ing open letter to his cOuntrymen OF
either or any part
Il have pretty much made up my
mind to run for President. What the
country wants is candidate who can
not be injured by investigation OF his
past history, SO that the enemies OF the
party will be unable TO rake up any
thing against him nobody ever heard of
before. III YOU know the worst about a
candidate to begin with, every attempt
to spring things on him will be check
mated. Now | am going to enter the
field with an open record. am gong
to own up in advance to all the wicked
ness have done, and if any congress
siunal committee is disposed to prowl
around my biography in the hope OF
discovering any dark and deadly deed
that have secreted, why-let it prowl.
In the first place, admit that freed
q rheumatic grandfather OF mine in the
winter of 1850 He was old and mex
pert i'm climbing trees, but with the
hcartless brutality that is characteristic
of me | ran him out of the front door IN
his night-shirt at the point of a shotgun
and caused him to bowl upamaple tree,
where he remained all night, while l
emptied shots into his legs. / did this
because lie snored. | will do it again ii
ever have another grandfather. l am
rs inhuman now as | was in 1850
candidly acknowledge that | ran
away at the battle of Gettysburg. My
friends have tried TO smooth over this
fact bv asserting that did so for the
purpose of initiating Washington, who
went into the woods ut Valley Forge for
the purpose of saying his prayers. 1t
was a miserable subterfuge.-l struck
out in a straight line for the Troplc OF
Cancer because i was scared. / wanted
mycountry saved but l prefcrredtoh have
somebody else save it. | entertain that
preference vet. If the bubble reputa-
ton can be obtained only at the can
mons mouth, am willing 10 20 there
for it, provided the cannon Is empty.
lit is loaded my immortal and flexible
purpose is to get over the fence and 90
home. My inyariablc practice IN war
has been to bring out of every fight two
thirds more men then when | went in.
This seems to me to be NapOleOnlc in
its grandeur.
NV financial views are of the most de-
cided character but they are not likely,
perhaps, to increase my popularity with
the advocates of initiation. ] do not in
sist upon the special supremacy OF rag
money or hard money. The great fun
damcntal principle Of my life is to take
any kind | can get.
The rumor that buried a dead aunt
under my grapevine was correct. The
vine needed iertilizing, my aunt had to
be buried, and dedicated her to this
high purpose. Does that unfit me for
the Presidency? The constitution OF
our country does not say so. No other
citizen was ever considered unworthy Of
this office because hc enriched his grape
vines with ms dead relatives. Why
should | be selected as the first victim OF
any absurd prejudice?
| admit also that | am not q friend OF
the poor man. / regard the poor man
i'm his present condition, as so much
wasted raw material. Cut up and prop
crly canned ne might be made useful
10 fattcn the natives of the Cannibal
Islands and to improve our export trade
with that region. | shall recommend
legislation upon the subject in my first
message. My campaign cry will be:
"DessicatC the poor wOrkiugman; stull
him into sau-SageS,'