Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1879-09-30

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with spectacled anxiety counting ou
his lucre l took my seat amid subdu
ed applause.
Bang that nerves straining MALE
fell again, preceding the command O
the mogul:
Examine the candidate on home af
fairs"
The hollow voice obeyed. His frs
question was "Do you know the news
paper men Of this town?"
"All but one; he refused an introduc
ton; said he wanted me to meet onl,
the clever people during my stay.
consider him the kindest in the south.
"What do you deem the greatest sac
rifice Georgian is capable of?"
"Acting as legislator at four dollars &
day for six months rather than see the
country's money spent.n
"What have you found out in the way
of Irregularities since you have beer
here ?"
"Am I perfectly safe"
"You are the press af1irms it." Agar
that mallet. I was getting tired OF i
and said I didn't "see any use CT 81
much confounded formality." It die
no good; he banged harder than ever
I drew out my book. Every eye wa:
fxed on me; this was fruit of the loom
for the crowd.
"The first fraud. gentlemen, l have
discovered is one that affects you; it is
in DR.. Janes's office ?"
"JanesW The mogul rose.
"JanesW The balance ro e.
"JanesW The two Dromios crossed
over and looked at each other as though
they were absolute strangers.
eyes, james. Don't you propose to
give agriculture a chance along with
the balance?n
James! !" They sank back into their
seats the mogul buried his face in his
hands and falteringly bade me proceed
1 did so the silence was intense. You
could have heard coupling pin drop
Il find that the said james has know
ingly, and with malice aforethought
moved the states' city of Macon down
into south Georgia into the malarial dis
trict, and the tertiary formation, thus
making 1t not only unhealthy, but eX.
pensive for her citizens to reach the ca
pitol. If this thing continues, gentle,
men, you will not be able to get papers
delivered there in three days after print
ing"
'Oh James! james! My hearers were
deeply moved.
II find tii.at in the tests of various
guanos. said James did consider, and
was influenced by the appended certif-
cate, to give TO the brand OF guaEo
known as 1.-The Skyseeker," high and
undeserved recommendation Copy of
certificate.
CDR. Janes-I used the five bags OF
guano sent me for practical test, on five
acres of ground. The day after putting
the guano down, my little three y ear
old boy started down q cotton row.
Judge OF his mothers horror, when
looking out the window she beheld him
returning, having grown seven feet,
and with his little dress sticking straight
out from around his waist, giving him
the appearance of gigantic baliet-dan-
Ger leaving the stays.
| "TSigned1 4. S. TONISHMENT"
"Oh James James !" Several handker-
chiefs had made their appearance and
several of my audience were in tears.
"And I further find that said James
has published book at the states ex-
pense in which occur such words as me-
tamorphic, quaternary, cretaceous, car
boniferous, reptilian, calcareous, pliO-
Gene and sozoic; words of unnecessary
length thereby causing the state to pay
for extra printing, and involving the
reader in doubt and terror"
"Oh James! JanesW The whole as
semhly was now sobbing. 1t is always
pleasant, however, to feel that you inte-
rest your audience, SO [ continued:
"And l furthermore find that the
doctor has circulated the report that he
is farmer a report that cannot fail to
mislead many (strangers), and cause
short crops, thereby damaging the
state.h
"Oh James! Janes!' The emotion OF
the examiners at this point became sc
violent that I paused, saying:
'Permit me, gentlemen, to end these
sad revelations"
Without looking up the mogul waved
his hand, exclaiming between his sobs
"No; let us hear-all-it is-better-
So" l continued cheerfully and l find
that competent witnesses stand ready
to impeach his many statements which
have been sent out all over the state tC
the farmers thereof to "assist them.n as
he says, Into a more thorough knowl
edge of scientific farming" The fol
lowing are a few of the "hints' taken
from the doctors forthcoming work
"Hints to Farmers ~
A little sweet oil rubbed on each cot
ton plant at night will prevent rust in
the locks.
Unless each plant is visited immedi-
ately after rain, and the water emDti
ed from the bolIs, it will surely perish
WatermelOns should never lie allowed
to remain lying on their backs it give:
them nightmare.
Pumpkins should never be shaker
from tree; they should be allowed to
ripen thoroughly and then be carefully
plucked.
Never swear, if you wish to make {
successful farmer [ have before mt
the affidavit of reliable planter that
he caused an overflow on his crop once
by simply damming creek. He
l never finished the revelations; will
one desparing shrek, "Oh James :" th'
mogul doubled up, and rolled dowr
from the throne. We piled him will
stimuiants until he was able to sit up
he motioned for the pen it was HANDED
him and in trembling hand he signet
my certificate, and fixing his CLASSY ey
on the door, bade me by sign begone
[ went. The next thing 1 knew I wa
in the street, minus all my stock il
trade, and with nothing left, save an il
legible certificate.
WHAT Iowa GIRLS ARE TAUGHT
At the Iowa Agricultural College ever,
pir1 in the iuniOr cIacS h os IearDp1 hOy