River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1879-09-25
WIT AND HUMOR.
One out of a hundred--99.


Old gentleman's wills-Brandy and
water.
Isn't our national anthem written in
Amerry-kee7
House flies are "spec"- ulatlng extern
sively in window glass.
The dentists in convention agree TO pull
together for another year.
SuspicIous-A sausage maker adver-
tises his wares as dog cheap"
Moses never had the govt. This was
one of the missed aches of Moses.
No bald-headed man was ever convert
ed by sermon during the fly season.
''All the worlds STAGE" and all the
men and women want TO ride ON top.
1t is no sign that hen meditates evil
to her owner simply because she lays for
him.
The man afraid OF tramps has tied up
his dog and put up notice, "Laborer
wanted"
An Eastern man advises his dissolute
son to ''go West and run down with the
country"
There are great many people who
will never 60 to heaven unless they can
go at excursion rates.
Ninety and nine folks out of a hundred
make mistake when they cut of dogs
tail. They preserve the wrong end.
There is a man in this city who has
been angry tor thirty years on a stretch.
1t is the worst case of standing choler
/ that wa ever knfu
A tombstone with a simple cucumber
carved upon it is oftentimes more express
i've than one with ten thousand lines OF
obituary poetry.
The man who got into barberchair,
| pinned the newspaper around his neck
and began to read the towel may justly
be called absent-minded.
| An Englishman OF the world, speaking
Of LAYING a great many flowers on din
ner table, says "No one can be fonder
of flowers than J AMIN their proper
| place, but | do not care about dining IN
a dollhouse"
| The Rev. Mr. was called upon to
marry a man to his fourth wife. AS soon
as he approached the couple he said
''Please to rise" The man wiggled
about IL his chair moprent and finally
spoke We've usually sot!"
she had frugal mind" Mournel
docking at gloves handed him by the
undertaken: "Look here, | shan't wear
EN- at the ground. Couldn't you stand q
pair af slate colored instead2n Under
taker Very sorry, sir, but we never dc
anything in 'mitigatedl"
A park policeman, seeing vel ow dog
near two handsomely dressed women, ap
proaches respec fully and says: Does
this beauchiful little creachure belong t.
you, ladies2" 'Mercy, MOI" Park police.
man lifting his cane)-Get out o. here,
you beast"
The baseball fever is raging in Rhode
Island. The only difficulty in playing
the game there is that the centre and
right tielders have to stand in Massachu-
sets and the left in Connecticut, while
the catcher is In constant danger OF back
| ing off into the Atlantic ocean.
The man that would kick another out
of his store or office for advising him
how to run his business can be seen after
working hours strollng round toward the
printing office, filled full Of suggestions
to offer the editor, as to the proper meth
cd of conducting newspaper.
A Farmers Logic.-FaImer Giles: Re-
spect his theological opinions! Why,
look ere, mum! He was looking at that
| there field OF oats O. mine the other day,
and he seq, SEE he, THAT there's a nice
lot o'young aoheat you We got, Mr.. Giles, y
SEE hel There's a theological opinion for
yel
Rev. Mr.. Pogson OF Bridgeport is the
father of boy who will probably dis
tinguish himself The evening before
the last circus in that city the reverend
| gentleman was talking to his son about
the beauties of heaven, when the child
suddenly observed, "Papa, let's drop
| heaven and talk circus"
A Bridgeport girl got button in her
ear some years ago, and has had terrible
attacks of headache since. AS no one
knew button was in her ear, the excel
lent idea of pushing button-hole into
the other ear did not occur to her friends,
and the button remained there until the
other day, when II fell out of its own ac-
cord.
GLOW came these holes in your ell
bows9" said the widow Smith to the ire
pressible small boy. "Oh, mother, hid
behind the sofa when little Jack Horner
was sayin' to our julie that he'd take her,
even if YOU had to be thrown in; and he
didn't know | was there, and so | held in
and laughed In my sleeves till | burst
EN-"
A little squlnt-eyed Chicago boy pranc-
d up to his mother, and said: "Ma, haln't
been real good since I've begun goin' to
Sunday -school2' "Yes, my lamb, an
swered the maternal, fondly. 'And you
trust me now don't you, MAJ" Eyes,
darling "Then," spoke up the little
innocent, "what makes your keep the
cookies locked up in the drawer the same
as usual.
New beauty tuniversed as yet in the
mysteries of high life) "Whos that
wonderful old gentleman" The captain
Sir Digby de Rieby, Hampshire bar
onet; one of the oldest in England; James
the FiIst's creation, you know" New
beauty determined to be surprised at
nothing): Indeed How well preserv-
ed he isl ] shouldn't have thought him
more than seventy or eighty.
He had just landed from a three years
whaling voyage and overcome by his JOY
iul reception found himself before the po-
lice court. "Your honor, he said plain
lively, 'I'm a simple sailor, lowly born.
Thirty days for the drunk, six months
tor pinaforing,' was the ringing sentence,
and the poor tar, bewildered, was dragged
to his dungeon cell and deprived of tele-
ph0nic communication.
A Minnesota man found beautiful
young squaw almost frozen to death. He
took her to his campfire and tried to
thaw her out When she had melted
little he proposed marriage and was ac-
cepted, They are now /.
An lnnocent-looking young man, travel
ing on a train from St. Paul to Chicago,
was observed suddenly to reach up and
pull the bell-rope. The train, of course,
came at once to stand still while the
conductor and porter rushed into the
car to ascertain the cause of detention.
"Gentlemen," explained the young man,
''you must excuse me. | wanted the
porter, who was in the 'forard' end of the
car, to make up my bed and thought if
| pulled the rope that would fetch him."
Nothing is so calling to a second wife
as any mention-particularly honorable |