The weekly miner. [volume] (Butte, Mont.) 1878-1881, 1879-07-22

nask1ssaaasl ~ aRrssGxsasiau Csndfdass.
Fifts8 l@sa!s u baa-m;F ,snfti0M attE
i This q the wayiinsowhleh Marx Twsln
once anaouhced himself is,s cGnAidats sSsr
President: a taese 5aFs. .iNe,fA .xxe1l
~ hays pretty much Eiihsas up my mind to
for, Prssidepk What me country wants
isa csndidatsI Who rsApot ~ injured BY In
.ysssisation Of his past shistory, % thai. abe
eneraies III his party will be unable to rake
up anything asainst him that nobody ever
heard Of befprs, il yon know the worst
about . candidate 10 begin with, every atr
tempt TO spring things ON him will Be check
mated. Nov I am goiuig 70 enter. the field
with A, open record. 1 nm going to own up
in advance u ell the wickedness ! have done,
and II any Congressional Committee Is dis
posed 70 prowl around my biography in the
hopes or discovering any dark and deadly
deed that I have secreted, wKy-let It prowl,
In the first place, / admit that I freed
= rheumatic grandfather Of mine In the win
ter Of 1850. He was old and and inexpert in
climbing trees. but with the heartless brutal
ity that Is characteristic Of me, l ran him out
Of the front door IN, his night-shirt at the
point Of shot gan, and caused him to bowl
up q maple tree, where he remained all
night, while I emptied shot.into his legs. I
did this because he snored. I will do it
again II I ever have another grandfather. I
am as inhuman now Is T wa in 1850. l
candidly acknowledge that / ran away at the
battle OF Gettysburg. Ny friends have tried
to smooth over this fact by asserting that I
did SO for the purpose Of initiating Washing
ton, who went into the woods at Valley
Forge for the purpose Of saying his prayers.
1t was q miserable subterfuge. I struck out
in a straight line for the Tropic of Cancer
because I was scared. WANTED to have my
country saved. but I preferred to have some
one else save it. l entertain that preference
vet. II the bubble reputation can be OBJ
tanned only at the lannon's mouth, / am will
ling to 20 there for It, provided the cannon
is empty. If it is loaded, my immortal and
infexible purpose is to get over the fence and
60 home. My invariable practice in war has
been to bring out Of every fight two-thirds
more men than when I went in. This
seems to me to be Napoleonlc in its gran
deur. "i. '"'' ."' 70
My financial views are Of the most decided
character, but they are not likely to increase
my popularity with the advocates Of infla-
ton. I do mot insist upon the special SUI
premacy Of rag money or hard money The
great fundamental principle Of my life is to
take any kind I can get. @."& 2 &o''it '9"t"
The runor that l buried a dead aunt under
my grapevine was correct. The vine needed
fertilizing, my aunt had to be buried, and l
dedicated her to that purpose. Does that I'M
fit me for the Presidency? The Constitu-
ton of u country does not say so. No
other citizen was ever considered unworthy
Of this Office because he enriched his grape
vines with his dead relatives. Why should ]
be selected as the first victim OF an absurd
prejudice? es,asla el2a1a1d
l admit also chat I am not q friend of the
poor man. l regard the poor man as SO
much wasted raw material, in his present
condition. Cut up and properly canned, he
might be made useful to fatten the natives Of
the cannibal islands and to improve our ex.
port trade with that region. I shalt recon.
mend legislation upon the subject in my first
message. Ny campaign cry will be, "Des.
sicate the poor ~workingman; stuff him into
sausages."' '".' '' '"5.' .'" .''. ''
These are about the worst parts of my
record. On them I come before the country
II my country don't want mel will 60 bacl
again. But I recommend myself as a safi
man, a man who starts from the basis Of to
tai depravity and proposes to be tiendish t.
the last" t ~ .''