The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1879-05-20
HUMOROUS.

MAYOR OF BANdOR.-Ihe other day,
| while Bijah was dusting of chairs and
growing about the near approach of
next winter, in came u man who intro
duced himself as Mayor Of Bangor. He
| spit all over the stove hearth and said
he had often heard Of Biah. lie
rubbed his muddy feet against the base
board and observed that he had come
five hundred Eliles out of his way on
purpose to shake the old janitor's hand.
lie had some three-ccnt cigars, and 1t
wasn't long before he made such good
impression that Bijah lent him six dol
lars. lie was to pay 1t back that eve-
ming, but when he was walked in,
about ten o'clock, DRUNK rs Il sea cap
even Mayor Of Bangor any longer. On
the contrary. he gave his name rs
Timothy O'Iale, and said he had been
III tho soap business In Buffalo. Bijah
sat down in front Of him and tried to
convince him that he was liar, horse
thief, swindler and impostcr, but the
"late Mayor" had his own ideas and
couldn't be argued out Of them.
"l'll have you sent up for ten thous-
ana years y was the oft-repeated
threat of the old Janitor, and even
OIL but one thousand years from the i'm
pending sentence. When he stepped
fol ward to be sworn the eCourtinquired:
izcd2"
Naturallzed Why, l was born in
this c0untryn'
"Werc, eh2 Have you ever been con-
victeu OF conspiracy against the gov
| ernmcntp",
"Ncver!'
DO you know the nature Of an
oathY"
Bijah swallwed three or four times
and he said he thought lie did.
! "Well, then, go ahead, but don't
| wiring In anything about Mexico.
want plain statement of facts-facts.
| MIR. JOY"
Bijah was very red in tho face as he
| began his story. When he was through
the prisoner turned and denied that he
| borrowed six dollars, or that he claimed
to bc tho Mayor of Bangor, and he ap-
| pcnlcd to the court to know If the testi-
mony Of IL man with such phiz on
him was any better than a prisoner .
statement.
Prom the evidence put in | cannot
tell whether tho prisoner passed him.
self off as tho Mayor of Bangor, or
whether Bijah passed himself otfns May
or of Detroit" said the Court, and he
gave Timothy thirty days for being
drunk.
Bijah fell back with his knees as linn
Der as u clothcs-line after q four weeks
drought, and he was heard to observe
that he would resign his situation that
very morning If he didn't expect some
relatives from Chicago.
| A NEW FARM. .--Keatlcrs Of The Hour
arc posted on the fact that BJah's farm,
In the rear Of the Central Station. was
not asucccss last year. lie expended
$27 In cash for seeds anu extra work,
and tho income footed up four string
beans, Il landrlion, and about dozen
ola paper collars. The Police Commits
sionerS have kinuly offered him the use
of the same ground this year, the Old
janttor has planned to turn 1t into u
park for tho benefit of the city poor. 1t
Is to be called " Poor Folks Paradise" 4"
and plans are already out for fish,
pond wi Orc poor, sad boys can always
be sure Of bitc; gondola for babies
with the measles to ride in; seven
lenchcs OH which men can sit and
smoke as tho sun slowly sinks away; II
baseball grounds, and various other
matters of interest. Admission to this
park will be free, and it will be open
| all day and all night, the same rs a
| drug store. Any one found throwing
cats into this park from ncighbnr,ng
WinawHs&Vt ""l ting ltRnds 'pGSGIinc aSssiire" ii"tiS t6
| contribute stone dogs. vases or old
ROLES, they will be set up rs ornaments,
and carefully treasured.
A MAN never fully realizes to what
| extent he il dependent upon others
until at the barber shop he was waited
patiently for III hour and half for his
turn.
"A COMMERCIAL advertisement for ga
man to travel" was answered by Il
tramp. He said he'was used to the
business.
A LADY, joking about her nose, said ::
g had nothing to do In shaping it. 1t
was birthday present."
WHAT Is one mans food is another
mans poison, but that rule won't
work both ways. .'~
TEACHER: "What kind of verb is
love" Young lady pupil: Fine
night verb"
IT HAS been said that figures will not
lie, and yet almost anyone can set them
down.
WHAT sort of voice has the washer
womanP Why, soap-ranO, of course.
THE occupant Of a villa Is not ncces-
| sarily a villain.
A sEAsIDE invocation -" Let us
| spray. r ,
| A Boon TO Humanity
| Is anything that will eese pain. and public
benefactor ono who is able to relieve human
ailments. The most painful Of all bodily ills
Is surely piles aud such has been tho absurd,
empirical barbarous treatment Of this terrible
disease for 5000 years that scientific men began
todespair, and distinguished modern surgeon
hss pronounced It tho ''opprobIium Of the
| profession" Afflicted millions tortured with
pain and deceived by the false pretensions Of
pile nostrnms. cried out in the language Of the
Bible: Who is this that darkeneth counsel by
words without knowledge; canst thou draw ont
Leviathan with hook1" DR.. Silsbee is .
benefactor and Anakesis the great infaiIible