The Cincinnati daily star. [volume] ([Cincinnati, Ohio]) 1875-1880, 1879-01-31
A Bolt Always In Order.

Squills declares that his wife is always
taking some kind of mean advantage of him.
"Ihe best woman in the world, sir, " says
Sqaills; "but now and then she will act
mean, and she can't help H."
"Jsst Sunday, at breakfast," " says Squills,
"she was as smiling as basket of chips"
"Are your chops done to your liking,
Squills, dear?"
"Delieiously, my love-" ...
"T broiled them myself, dear"
81 knew it was going to be hot" said
Squills, "and when l got into the hall to
leave, Mrs. Squills was there, with my hat
in one hand and my overcoat in the other"
"Squills, DEAR" she began.
81 thought it time to pitch in here" said
Squills, $50 said quietly -
"How much, Mrs. Squills? Out with it,
my love-"
"Mr. Squills, don't be unmanly, sir, |
beg, not to say ridiculous. Gussy wants q
silk dress to 60 to church in; the poor child
really isn't decent-you are very sorry?
Well, so you ought to be. Let her say her
prayers at home? No, Mr.. Squills, she
shan't stay at home, and she shant say her
prayers; and, Mr.. Squills, you're enough to
aggravate a saint, and your conduct is dis
gustng, and it's enough to drive a woman
to bolt right off to Chicago and get
DIVORCE
81 thought this was good time to fire
off my pet Joke" said Squills, $50 said -
Mrs. Squills, bolt is always in order.
Then bolted myself, for Mrs. Squills comes
of a fighting family.
"When | went home that night Gussy,
dear child, played all my pet Ofenbach
music, and | knew was in for the dress,
only | wanted to hold out till morning, just
for the looks of the thing.
"For five years after we were married
Mrs Squills would persist in looking under
the bed for man. It's the same man every
woman looks for, I suppose, because they
all do it. Well, failing to find the man,
Mrs. Squills gave up in disgust, and took to
something else. Mrs. Squills' weakness is
boiling the door. Mr.. Squills have you
bolted the door?' is always the last thing at
night.
"This particular night, Mrs. Squills was
very digni6ed and distant. mo familiarities,
Mr.. Squills, if you please; wounded my
feelings in their tenderest point this morn
ing; and l cannot forget, though you did ,
that | am your wife, sir, and the mother of
your children, Mr.. Squills.'
"This was pitching it uncommonly strong,
you know" said Squills, "and l was about
to surrender, when Mrs. Squils turned off
the gas and then coiled herself up in pet,
somewhere on the outside Of the bed rail.
Not even Good night, Squills. l felt
pretty bad about it, can tell you, but |
went to sleep, butafter while experienced
a kick in the back, as if some playful mule
had been tanning me. Perhaps it was nee
essary as | always sleep hard.
| MI. OQulilS, at ldSI nearu MIS-. ..
say, 'Mr. Squills, have you bolted the door?'
"Now, | leave it to any man whether that
is the correct thing for the mother of the
family to do? OF course got up and bolted
the door, and said, Mrs, Squills, why
didn tyou think of boiling the door before
went to sleep, and not to wake up man in
the middle Of cold night to do it?' And
what do you suppose her answer was?
"Why, Mr.. Squills, said she, 4 thought
bolt was always in order
"What did l say? What could | say
And the worst of all, said Squills, "Ill be
hanged if she wasn't laughing at me-