Butler citizen. [volume] (Butler, Pa.) 1877-1922, 1879-09-03
THE DARK HORSE"
MARK TWAIN AS THE eoNIING cANDI-
DATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY.

DATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY.
| | have pretty much made up my
mind to run for President What the
people want is man who cannot be
injured by investigation OF his past
history, SO that enemies Of the party
will not be able TO rake MP against
him things that nobody ever heard of
before. II you know the worst about
a candidate, to begin with, every at
tempt to spring things on him will be
checkmated Now | am going to
enter upon the field with an open rec
ord am going to own up in ad-
vance to all the wickedness | have
done, and if any Congressional Com
mittce is disposed to prowl around nv
biography, in the hope of finding any
daring and deadly deed which | have
secreted, why let it prowl
In the first place l admit that did
freeze rheumatic grandfather of
mine in the winter of 1859 He was
old and inexpert at climbing trees
But with hcartless brutality that is
characteristic of me, | ran him out of
the front door in his night shirt at the
point of shot gun, and caused him to
bowl up a maple tree, where he re-
mained all night, while l emptied shot
in his legs. | did this because he
snored | will do it again if | have
another grandfather. | am as inhu-
man as | was in 80. No rheumatic
person shall snore in my house.
l candidly acknowledge that l ran
away at the battle of Gettysburg
NY. friends have tried to smooth
this fact by the assertion that l
merely got behind a tree, that | did
so for the purpose of initiating Wash
ington, who went into the woods at
at Valley Forge to say his prayers.
1t was miserable subterfugc
struck out in straight line for the
Tropic of Cancer simply because was
scared. | wanted my country saved,
but | wanted some one else to save
her entertain that idea yet IL the
bubble of reputation can be obtained
only Mt the cannon's mouth, | am
willing to go there for it, provided
the cannon is empty. If it is loaded,
my immortal and inhcxiblc purpose is
to get over the fence and go home.
My invariable purpose in the war has
been to bring two-thirds more men
out than | took in This seems to
me to be Napoleonic in its grandeur.
Nv financial views are of the most
decided character, but they are not
likely, perhaps, to increase my popu-
larity with advocates of initiation or
contraction. l do not insist upon
special supremacy of or rag money. The
great fundamental principle of my life
is to take any kind | can get
The rumor that i buried dead aunt
under grapevine is founded upon
fact The vine needed fertilizing, my
aunt had to be buried and | dedicated
her to that purpose. Does that unfit
me for the Presidency? The Con-
stitution of our country does not say
So No other citizen was considered
unworthy Of Office because he enriched
his grapevine with his relations.
Why should be selected as the first
victim of an absurd prejudice?
| L duliilt, dlSO, tndI dii HOI thc
friend of the poor man. | regard the
poor man, in his present condition, as
so much wasted raw material. Cut
up and properly canned, he might be
made useful to fatten the natives of
the Cannibal Islands, and improve our
exports in that region. | shall rec
ommend legislation upon the subject
in my first message. My campaign
cry will be to dessicate the poor work
ingman Stuff him into sausages!
These are about the worst parts of
my record. On them come before
the country. If my country don't
want me, / will go back again. But
I commend myself as safe man-a
man who starts from the basis of social
depravity, and proposes to be fendish
to the last