The Douglas independent. [volume] (Roseburg, Or.) 187?-1885, 1879-12-06
ssThe Babies. -

The fifteenth and last regular toasl
was tThe Babies. As they comfort ns
in our sorrows, let us not forget them in
our festivities and to this Samuel l.
Clemens responded. He said:
| I like that. We have not all had the
good fortune to be ladies. We have NOT
all been generals, or poets, or statesmen,
! but when the toast works down to the
babies we stand on common ground. fol
we have all been babies. 1t is o shame
that, for thousand years, the worlds
| banquets have utterly ignored the baby,
| as if he didn't amount to anything. Il
| you will stop and think minute If You
viii go back fifty or one hundred years
to your early married life laughter and
recontemplate your first baby-you will
| remember that he amounted to a good
deal, and even something over You
soldiers all know that when that little
fellow arrived at family headanarters
you had to hand in your resignation. He
took entire command. You became his
lackey his mere body servant, and you
had to stand around, too. He was not q
| commander who made allowances for
time, distance, weather, or ANYTHING
else. Convulsive screams. You had
TO execute his order whether it was pos
sible or not. Roars. And there was
only one form of marching in his manual
of tactics, and that was the double-quick.
Shouts. He treated you with every
sort of insolence and disrespect [laugh-
ter and the bravest of you didn't dare
to say word. Great laughter. You
could face the. death storm of Donelson
and Vicksburg, and give back blow for.
blow, but when he clawed your whiskers.
and pulled your hair, and twisted your
nose, you had to take it. TRoars. I
When the thunders of war were sound
ing In your cars, you set your faces to-
ward the batteries, and advanced with
steady tread, but when he turned on the
terrors of his war-whoop [laughterl, you
advanced in the other direction. and
mighty glad of the chance, too. When
he called for soothing syrup, did you
venture to throw out any side remarks
about certain services being unbecoming
an officer and gentleman? TBoisterous
laughter. No. You got up and got.
When he ordered his pap bottle. and It
was not warm, did you talk back? Not
you. Renewed laughter. You went
to work and warmed it. You even de-
scended SO far in your menial Office as to
take suck at that warm, insipid stuff.
just to see if it was right-three parts
water to one of milk ftumulfuous
laughter Ia touch of sugar TO modify
the collie, and drop of peppermint to
kill those immortal hiccoughs. TRoars. 1
can taste that stuff. And how MANY
things you learned as yor went along!
Sentimental young folks will take stock
in that beautiful old saying, that when
the baby smiles it is because the angels
are whispering to him. Very pretty.
but too thin-simpIy wind on the
stomach, my friends. If the baby pro-
posed to take walk OF his usual hour.
two o'clock in the morning, didn't Won
rise up promptly and remark, with q
mental addition which would not inn
prove Sunday school book much
laughter, that that was the very thing
you were about to propose yourself? !?
Great roars. Oh! you were under good
discipline, and, as you went faltering up
| and down the room in your undress
| uniform laughterf, you not only pratt
tied undignifed baby talk, but even
tuned your martial voices and tried to
sing, "Rock-a-by baby, in the tree top. i"
for instance. Great laughter. What
spectacle for an Army of the Tennessee.
! And what an affiiction for the neighbors.
| too, for it is not everybody within mile
around that likes military music at three
in the morning. Laughter. And when
you have been keeping this sort of thing
| up for two or three hours, and your little
velvethead intinated that nothing suited
| him like exercise and noise, what did
you do? You simply went on until You
dropped In the last ditch. Laughter.
The idea that a baby doesn't amount to
anything! Why, one baby is Just house
and front yard full by itself. One baby
can furnish more business than you and
your whole Interior Department can at
tend to. Laughter. He is enterpris.
ing, irrepressible. brimful of lawless
activities. Do what you please, you
can't make him stay on the reservation
Great shouts. Sufficient unto the day
IS one baby. As long as you are in youl
right mind, don't you ever pray fol
twins. MIR. Clemens is the father of 9
pair. Twins amount to permanent
riot; and there isn't any real difference
between triplets and an insurrection
Uproarious shouts
Yes, it was high time for toast to til,
masses to recognize the importance of th,
babies. Think what is in store for til,
present cropI Fifty years from now ",
shall all be dead, trust laughterl, ans
then this flag, if it still survive ian.
let us hope it mayl will be floating owe
a republic numbering 200, 600 900 souls
according to settled laws of our increase
Our present schooner of state will hay
grown into a political leyiathan-a Grea
Eastern. The Graded babies of to-da,
Will be on deck. Let them be wei
trained, for we are going to have bi
contract on our hands. Among th
three or four million cradles now rockin
IN the land are some which this natlo1
would preserve for ages as sacred things
II we could only know which ones the
are. In one Of these cradles the uncon
scious Farragut is now teething; think o
it. and putting in word of dead earnest
inarticulated, but perfectly iustiiabl
profanity over it, too. In another tn
future renowned astronomer is blinking
! at the shining milky way with but
liquid interest, poor little chapl an,
wondering what has become of that othe
one they call the wet-nurse. In anothe
the future great historian is lying, an,
doubtless will continue to lie laughter
until his earthly mission is ended. Il
another the future President is busyinJ
himself with no profounder problem O
state than what the mischief has becom
of his hair SO early Glaughterl |, and ii,
mighty array of other cradles there ar
now some 10000 future office-seeker
getting ready to furnish him occasion Il
grapple with that same old problem
second time And in still one more era
die, somewhere under the flag, the futur
illustrious Commander-in-C Chief of tn
American armies is so little burdene,
with his approaching grandeur and re
sponsibilities as to be giving his Who'll
strategic mind at this moment to irwin,
to find out some way to get his big to
into his mouth, an achievement which
meaning no disrespect, the ilIustriou
guest of this evening turned his atten
ton to some Sc yesrs ago; and If th
child is but a prophecy of the man, t1er
are mighty few who will doubt that h
succeeded
Il THE FLESH OF A French SCI
want having been called upon to give hi
views regarding the eating of horsefiesl
says It is like third rate beef, it ca
not be said TO have disagreeable taste
for it has no taste at ALL Donkey, O.
, the other hand, is delicious, and ifnitel
better eating than beef or mutton. Thi
the French soon discovered during til
siege of Paris. for d portion, of f7oTlka