The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1879-04-11
MARK TWAIN AS A CANDIDATE.

have pretty much made my mind to
tin for President. What the people want
is man who cannot be injured by iuvesti-
CATION of his past history, so that enemies
of the party will not be able to rake up
against him things that nobody ever heard
of before. If you know the worst about a
candidate, to begin with, every attempt to
spring things on him will be checkmated.
Now l am going to enter upon the field
with an open record. am going to own
up in advance to all the wickedness l have
done, and if any Congressional committee is
disposed to prow around my biography, in
the hope Of finding any daring and deadly
deed which l have secreted why let it
prowl
In the first place, l admit that l did
freeze a rheumatic grandfather of mine, in
the winter of 1859 He was old and in-
expert at climbing trees. But with heart.
less brutality that is characteristic of me.
ran him out Of the front door in his night
shirt, at the point ofa shot. gun, and caused
him to bowl up maple tree, where he re-
mained all night while | empted shot in
his legs | did this because he snored.
will do it again if have another grandla
ther. | am as inhuman now as was in $50
No rheumatic person shall snore in my
house.
! candidly acknowledge that ran away
at the battle of Gettysburg. My friends
have tried to smooth this fact by the asser-
ton that | merely got behind tree, that |
did so for the purpose of initiating Wash
ington, who went into the woods at Valley
Forge to say his prayers. 1t was miser-
able subterfuge. | struck out in strait
line for the Tropic of Cancer, simply be-
cause was scared. l wanted my country
saved, but perferred some one else to save
her. / entertain that idea yet. If the
bubble of reputation can be obtained only
at the cannon's mouth, | am willing to go
there provided the cannon is empty. If it
is loaded, my immortal and inhexible pur-
pose is to get over the fence and go home.
My invariable purpose in the war has been
to bring out two-thirds more men than
took in. This seems to me to be Napoleo-
mic in its grandeur.
My financial views are of the most decid.
ed character, but they are not likely, per.
haps, to increase my popularity with the ad.
vocates of Imitation or contraction. ! do not
insist upon special supremacy ofrsg-money.
The great fundamental principle of my life
is to take any kind can get.
The rumor that buried a dead aunt under a
grape vine is founded upon fact. The vine
needed fertilizing, my aunt had to be bur
led, and | dedicated her 10 that purpose.
Does that unfit me for the Presidency? ? The
constitution of our country does not say so.
No other citizen was considered unworthy
of office because he enriched his grape vine
with his relations. Why should / be se-
lected as the first victim of an absurd pre-.
| iudice?
| admit, also, that am not a friend OF
the poor man. regard the poor
man In his present condition, as SC
so much wasted raw material. Cut up and
properly canned, he might be made usefu
TO fatten the natives of Canibal Islands, and
improve our exports in that region shall
recommend legislation upon the subject il
my first message. My campaign cry will b,
to dessicate the poor workingmsn. Stuf
him into sausagesl
These are about the worst parts of my re
cord On them come before the country
If my country doesn't want me, | will g
back again. But | recommend myself as
safe mana man who starts from the bash
of total deprayity, and proposes to be fvnd
ish to the last.