The spirit of democracy. [volume] (Woodsfield, Ohio) 1844-1994, 1879-03-11
A Wife who is Seldom at Home.

one, like the eunuch and like Minus, who
dare disobey my orders!'
A Wife Who is Seldom at Home.
When the peddler rang Mr. Birds
door bell the other day, Mr. Bird him.
self opened the door. Mr. Bird had the
baby upon bis arm, and there were four
other children at his heels.
'Is the lady of the house in p asked
the peddler
Certainly she isn't" replied Bird
"She is out. She is perennially and
eternally outl'
"Where can see herr"
"Whys 20 down to the woman suffrage
elubsrek -; and il she isn't there, go to
the society for the prevention Of cruelty
to animals; and if she isn't there, visit
the hall of the association for alleviating
the miserie, Of the Senegambians; and
IL she has finished up there, look for her
at the church aid society, or at the Ninth
ward soup-house, or the home of the
one legged, or at the refuge for inflrm
dogs. or at the hospital for the asthmatic,
or at the St. Polycarp orphan asylum,
or at some of these places II you ge,
on her track, you'll see more pauper and
strong-mindel women and underclothing
for the heather than you ever saw in the
whole course of your life"
II wanted to sell her a cold handled
Aatiron, just out. Do you think she
will buy ohe7''
"She will if you can prove that the
naked cannibals in Senegambia are yearu'
ing for cold handled datirons> She
would buy diamond breastpins for those
niggers, if they wanted them, believe u
81 intended, also, to offer her new
kind of immovahle hsir-pin, which"
"All right You just 60 down to The
Home FOR the One legged, and persuade
those cripples to cry for immovable hair
pins, and she'll order 'em by the tom
"Has she any children ?"
swell, I'm the one that appears to
have 'em; just,now, anyhow"
Because / have gum top for feed.
ing bottle; that is the incest thing you
ever saw
Now" said Mr.. Bird, "1'll tell yur
what you DO You get those paupers to
swear they can't eat the soup they gel
at the soup houses With spoons, they
must have it from bottles with rubber
nozzle, and Mrs Bird will keep you sc
busy supplying the demand that you
won't have chance to sleep. You just
try it Buy up the paupers Bribe 'em."
"How'll l know her if I see her 7"
"Why, she's large woman with a
hent nose, and she talks all the time
You'll hear her talking as soon as you
get within mile Of her. She'll ask yor
subscribe to the Senegambian fund
and to the Asthmatic Asylum before you
can get your breath. Probably shell
read you four or FIVE letters from re
formed eannibals But don't you mind
'em Ny opinion is she wrote 'em her.
self"
at don't make any difference. Blu,
You might mention that since she left
home the baby has had four fits, Johnny
has fallen out Of the pesr tree and crack.
ed his skull Mary and jim both have
something like Group, and Tommy has
been bitten by Jones's dog. 1t won't
excite her She won't care cent; bu,
l d like her to have the latest news Tell
her if she can manage to drop in here
for a minute between now and the 4th ol
July, sle might maybe wash the baby
and give the other children a chance to
RENE ember how she looks But sbe
needn't come if it will interfere with the
happiness of the one legged mendicants
or make her asthnatic patients miserable
Mind aa6 mention it 10 her now, will
your"
II will"
"All right, then, I'll 90 in and put
some fresh sticking plaster on Johnny's
skull"
And with the baby singing vocifer
nus solo, and the other children cling
ing to his legs, Mr.. Bird retreated and
shut the door. The peddler had deter
mined to propose to girl that night :
He changed his mind, aud resolved to
remain bachelor