Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1879-11-18
A Family Jar.


her, totally infatuated with each 9TH
er. Never such happiness as theirs be.
fore! The felicity of Adam and his lar
dy before they made the acquaintance
of the serpent was not to be mentioned
in the same breath.
They kissed each other between every
cup of coffee, and embraced twice
sometimes thrice-during every meal.
Just now they were speaking of disa-
greements. Some friends of theirs had
fallen out, and refused to fall in again.
1--WE never will disagree, will we,
Phil, dear ?" asked Mrs. Fanny.
Disagree! Will the heavens fall?"
returned Phil.
Il sincerely hope not. It would be
decidedly disagreeable," laughed Fan
ny "but if thought we should ever
qurrel and have harsh thoughts towards
each other, 1 should be tempted to ter
inmate my existence"
MY precious Fanny! ~ cried Phil,
springing up and upsetting the toast
plate on the carpet, of which he was
perfectly oblivious in his eagerness to
ish little darling as if we should ever
be so absurd "a kiss May be drawn
and quartered another klss) if I ever
speak one word that shall cause tear
to fill the divine eyes Of my dearest Ia
third explosion FannYW
90. how happy you make me. Phil.
1 shall try SO hard to be just the faith
full, loving wife you deserve. Now fl
nish your breakfast, deary. The toast
will be growing cold. And O, Phil,
did you notice Mrs. Smiths horrid new
bonnet last night? declare it destroy
ed all my pleasure in the music. I do
wish people who wear such distasteful
bonnets would stay at home from these
delightful concerts :"
so do /, Fanny. [ noticed the ugly
thing the moment we entered the hall.
Blue flowers and pink ribbons, and she
as dark as a Creole!"
mo, my love the flowers were green.
Green and blue looks so much alike by
gas light"
II know they do, but I noticed it so
particularly that could not be deceiv-
ed. Blue-especially light blue-looks
fearfGlly on dark complexioned wo
man."
$50 it does Phil; quite agree with
you dear. But the flowers were not
blue, they were green. [ saw them at
Mrs. Gray's shop before they were pur-
chased"
my dearest Fanny, of course you
think yourself right, love, but have a
very good eye for color, and noticed
these flowers with great attention. Blue
anemones with yellow centers."
"Green hibiscus with white centers,
my dear Phil, Very pretty for light
skinned woman but horrid for bru-
nette."
"Why, Fanny, how absurd. AS if
could not determine color when I stu
died it half the evening'
But it was by gas light, my love. 1t
would look altogether different by day-
light. 1t was such pale green"
''It was such pale blue. I remem-
Der I thought of the sky before storm"
"And I thought of the sea. It was
nearly sea green"
"Why, Fanny-ridiculor It was
sky blue"
How you do contract me, my Pmle-
mon. 1t was very light green.n
''And 1 insist it was blue.n
"Do you mean to tell me I lie?n
ct mean to tell you you are mista-
ken"
(which amounts to the same thing"
"You make the application, Mrs.
Fanny Hayes"
"Mr. Philemon Hayes"
"FannyW
Sdy IL w as SIc6u,
II say 1t was blue-so there!"
"You are wretch, Phil-a real mean,
heartless wretch !" and Fanny pushed
back her plate angrily.
"And you are an opinionated, self
wilIed woman J" and Phil, in his agita-
ton, upset the coffee, scalding the cats
back and himself at the same time.
Thunder J" cried he, rubbing his red
fingers with his handkerchief. "I wish
h had never seen woman!"
What's that sir ?''
"Confound the women? They are g
curse to the world!'
You brute !" cried Mrs. Hayes, now
thoroughly insensed take that! and
selling the plate of mullins, she took
aim at Phil's head, but being a woman,
her aim was not so accurate as it might
have been, and the plate went through
the window, smashing in the tile of
Fitz, James Jones, who was passing,
and the mullins were scattered in wild
confession about the room.
Phil was indignant. He laid his hand
e on the poker.
~ "Oh, strike" exclaimed Fanny. ut
will only be in place with your other
conduct. Don't let any motion of hon
or restrain you, because you never had
any".
Fanny, beware; you try me too
far.n
"I'll go home to pa, that I will. You
1nhuman monster you-I'll be divorced
from you this very day. So there!"
and the platter of ham made a journey
after the mullins.
Just at that moment Pills Uncle
John, shrewd old fellow, appeared on
the scene.-He surveyed the group with
an anxious twinkle of the eye.
Whats the matter, Fanny? Any
thing gone wrong? he inquired.
leone wrong! Matter enough Oh
Uncle John, he's wretch, and set out
to strike me with poker"
"And she threw plate of mullins and
ham at me.n
Hes a monster, Uncle John. Tai
be divorced from him this very day. He
is worse than a savage,u
80 he is" cried Uncle John enter
ing warmly into the spirit of the thing.
30 ne ls"-stripping off his coat
land III settle the matter at once. You
stand back, Fanny I'll give him such
thrashing as he'll be likely to remeim-
Der. Striking his wife with a poker,
indeed! I'll rectify matters :" and I'm
Gle John grasped the longhandled fea-
Their buster, and fiourished it threaten
ingly around the head Of his nephew.
There, sir, take that. and that and
that" exclaimed he. bringing down the
feathers on the shoulders Of the amazed
Phil Fanny, my dear, TIL not leave
hone of him whole"
Fanny's round blue eyes had been
growing larger and larger-and now her
indignation broke"
John Hayes" she cried. "you're a
heather, and an old meddling vagabond!
Let Phil alone! He's my dear, dear
husband, and you've no right to touch
MIN. He's an angel. Henever intended
10 strike me. Stop striking him or
you'll DE sorry! and Fanny seized the
broom from behind the door, and pre-
pared to do battle.
"Stand back cried Uncle John, she's
monster and deserves death. The
man who had threatened to strike a
woman ought to be hung"
Fanny's eyes blazed. shefew at Uncle
John with the spite of tigress, and the
way the trio went round the room was
worth witnessing. Uncle John after