Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1879-05-30
F. U n =

The rest wouldn't suit ears polite)
Scribner's Bric-a-Brac."
Fl u ny
How BoGGs RAN FOR OFFICE.-Boggs
was peaceable man as ever lived. He
was sober, honest and respected. He had
never yet pounded his wife. Never took
any interest in dog fght.-Had never
been known to pawn somebodyelse's watch
and never had attempted to steal saw
mill. Boggs' character was above reproach.
He was shining light in society. All
BogRsville looked up to and honored him.
But change came-a fearful, direful
change. In an evil hour Boggs accepted
the nomination for constable of his native
village. Alas! poor B0ggs! Little did he
understand the deceit and treachery of the
world. His eyes were soon opened, how
ever. In less than week after he was
nominated the opposition had fully and
sonelusively established the following
damaging charges against his character:
l. That he was free lover and an inf
del.
2. That he had fed his neighbours hens
on poisoned corn.
8. That he had broken his mother-in
laws jaw with an iron boot-jack.
4. That on one occasion he had given a
whole wagon-load of green water melons
to an orphan asylum.
S. That he had sci ved a term in the
State prison for DEMONSTRATING.
6. That he had set fire to his next neigh
boris barn, merely because he refused to
lend him a hoe.
Z. That because he found button off
his shirt, he tied his wife to the bed-post
and mashed in three of her ribs with the
stove poker.
s. That his chief Sunday amusements
were cock-fghting and card playing.
9. That he sold his vote every year reg
ularly to the highest bidder.
10. That he wasn't fit for the place any
how.
These charges, although without the
slightest foundation, we're religiousiy be-
lieved by the majority of the voters of
Boggsville. And Boggs' political goose
was cooked. His chances of being elected
were not worth three cents on dollar.
When Boggs passed along the street his
neighbors looked at him with suspicion
and crossed over on the other side-Boggs
was miserable being. The day of town
nesting came at last, and Boggs' opponent
sco0ped in the constableship by two
thirds vote. The anti-Boggs' party swept
their candidate into Office on the tidal
wave of popularity, and poor Boggs was
left high up on the spike-mounted picket
fence of despair.
Boggs will never run for office again
not even for President. He says it is too
great strain on the character. If he can
regain the esteem of his neighbors by
grubbing along in the old way he intends
to do it, and leave ofice-seeking to people
Of cast-iron reputation. Boggs is just COM
ing to his senses.
THE SECOND EXPLosION.-They were
in the backyard. One was boy of twelve
and the other had seen only half as many
years. The younger one sat on a barrel,
and the older one had two ounces of pow
der in one hand and a burning-stic in the
other.
81 don't want to be blowed. " whined the
boy on the barrel. trying to get down.
s'Keep right still, bub," commanded the
other. ''This thing has been figured right
to a science. If forty five thousand pounds
Of explosives raised Hell Gate twelve feet,
two ounces of powder will raise you just
exactly the fiftieth part of an inch. Don't
make an alarmist of yourself
''But it'll hurt,'' persisted the small boy.
sit can't, say! Haven't figured on
it !? You may unbutton your coat and keep
your mouth shut. but that's safeguard
enough. Now, then. keep quiet and listen
for rumbling NOISES
The powder was well confined under the
barrel. Figures were at fault. The head
Of the barrel went up, the small boy went
up, the big boy went end-ways, and when
the smoke cleared away things were bad
~ mixed up. The big boy had sore legs.
The little boy was as black as a coal and
choking with the odor, and woman ran
out and shouted:
''I'n blow--you good for-nothings There
is shilling barrel all split to pieces, two
pair Of pants to be patched, one coat-tail
on the roof, aud the other just hanging
and the poor dog il wedged under the
house SO tight that he will have to be drill
ed out by machinist."
The pleasure of going shopping with
your wife is not enhanced when your are
obliged to stand like craven image for
three mortal hours till she comes right
back meanwhile every clerk in the store
looks at you as suspiciously as if you were
a shop litter waiting for a good chance to
operate.
A gentleman who was trying to think of
the word Universalist, but could not get
hold of it at the moment, exclaimed:
"Why, he is ono Of these desplphurizers!'>