Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1879-10-24
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VALUE OF A VOTE.-INTEREsTINGT TO
CANDIDATEs.-Itw was the morning after
an election A weary-faced, patient-eyed
man came to the reporter and said: q
ST want you to make few figures for
me- Pm q. little unstrung to-day, and
can't trust myself"
We recognized him as defeated candi-
date for the Legislature and good fellow
in. his way. We signifed our willingness
to accommodate him, whereupon he drew
forth q little note book, with the explana-
tion: ....s..s..
ssYou SO 1 have beens keeping little
account Of my expenses in this canvass :
wanted to find out what it would cost me,
you know. set the items down as they
came, and think I've got nigh about all,
though there may be few which over
looked. I want to see what each vote I
got cost me. Are you ready? Well, put
down Benjamin Joseph Mallen, candidate
for the Legislature. S @k.E .I&E
Received 361 votes.
Costs months and % days. time, 1915
hours sleep, acres Of tobacco, Is acres OF
corn, whole sweet potato crop, Is sheep, 2
front teeth and one handful of hair.
Gave Aacay-531 papers.garden seed, 81
plugs tobacco, SOB drinks Of whiskey, 81
Sunday school books, 2 pairs Of galluses, a
calico dresses, Z dolls, 10 baby rattles.
Miscellaneous 2,499 times, shook
hands 14,77O times, talked 1900 Patent
Office Reports full, held 122 horses and
1875 babies. kindled. 6 kitchen fires, cut 2
cords of wood, pulled 80 bushels Of fodder,
toted II buckets of water, hung out one
washing of cloths, put up three stoves. got
dog bit twice, got watch smashed by corn
shelter:
Lent Om4Three barrels of flour, eight
bushels Of meal, rs lbs. bacon, IS lbs. but
ter, five dozen eggs, three umbrellas, 10
lead pencils, one Bible dictionary, enc
mowin' blade, one hoe, one pair pants
none of which have been returned. a.
Called opponent perambulating liar,
Doctors bill $40, had two arguments with
wife resulting in destruction of flower
vase, one dish Of 5hssh, one shirt bosom,
1Ocents worth Of sticking plaster.
Had it proved in public that my great
uncle was q cannibal, that my grandmoth-
erWore hoops, that will die in the peni-
e tentiary, thatmy body will worth q
million in bonds, and that myson will have
% children, all gals. FL
Spent $341 travelling and sundry expen-
ses, and, femme see, OBJ yes, left the 9TH
CT items at home. VIII get 'em and bring
'em this evening. And then I want you
to add up and divide, and tell me how
much the 391 votes cost me divided into
all them items separately, you see !; / vote
to SO many dollars and SO many potatoes
and handshakes and cannibals and front
teeth, and so on and so on, all run into
. fractions you see. And then you can go
on and calkerlate how long them things Or
their equivalent would 'er run Memphis dll-
rim the yellow fever, and how many eight
day clocks the time spent would run, and
how many threshers, and how many grist-
mills, and how many trains of cars from
here to Boston, filed with pig iron, could
be moved by the power and energy spent
in the race and oh you can make lots of
beautiful statistics out Of them when I
bring you the other items this venin'-
lots and lots" Il = aa. s..h
Then he left, and we have been dodgin'
around corners ever since to keep from
meetin' him again. e.
HE WOULD BRAa.-A party, of young
men travelling in Europe had among them
q citizen Of our own great republic, who
was SO thoroughly patriotic that he could
see no excellence in anything in the Old
World as compared with his own country
Mountains, waterfalls, churches, monu-
ments, scenery, and all other objects of in
terest were inferior to what the United
States could show. G f''1>'+
His companions became somewhat tired
Of his overweening boastfulness, and de-
termined to stake him down peg" The
party spent winter in Rome. and one
evening, having all things prepared, they
induced their boasting friend to join a
drinking bout, and so managed to keep So
Der while he got gloriously drunk. There
upon they took him into the catacombs.
laid him carefully down with candle in
reach and retired a short distance out of
sight to wait for developments. II
After awhile their friend reused up, hay-
ing slept off his drunken stupor, and in a
state Of some astonishment began endeav-
oring to locate himself, at the same time
muttering
swell -'tis little strange. Won
ner-where am, anyway 20
He got out match, lighted his candle.
and began to study his surroundings. On
each side were shelves piled with grinning
SKULLS and inches filed with skeletons.
while allaround were piled legs, arms, ribs
and yertebra-a CHASTITY array, and alto
eether new to him. He nodded to the
skulls on one side with drunken SHOW
do YOU do-hic ?' and on the other with
t.How dye! feel-hic-an anyway ?" took a
look at his watch and one at his surround
ings. got On his feet, took off his hat and
holding it above his head remarked loud
enough for his friends to hear:
ssSis all nght-hic-aH right. Morning
Of the resurrection, by jingo-hic First
man on the ground-'rah for the United
20