The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1879-09-06
VARIETY.

IL was a selEmade doctor in Michigan who
wrote to John Bright and asked him how bis
disease got along, and ne is justly indignant that
his letter was never answered.-DefrOf Free
Press.
{" Are these pure eanaries p asked gentle
man Of bird-dealer, with whom he was negoti-
ating for gift for his fair 50 Yes, sir,
said the bird-dealer. Confidently; 90 raised
them ere birds from the very best canary seed. "
Nine tenths OF the quarreIs of this life would
be averted lf we would never take the doubt
against charity. Never expect an insult Men
who 20 about looking for men to kick them are
seldom disappointed. Men who accept only the
best Interpretation of every act are sure 10 have
always the best acts to interpret.
One Of tie saddest and most yexatious trials
that come 20 girl when she marries is that she
has to discharge her mother and depend upon a
hired girl.-TToy Times.
But the saddest time for the new-made husband
is when the wife doesn't discharge her mother,
but takes her home with her.
"a You are nothing but demagogue,' said
tipsy fellow 10 Tom Marshall who promptly
paid him back: 's Put wisp Of straw around
you, aud you will be nothing but demijohn.''
The following testimonial of a certain patent
medicine speaks for itself g Dear Sir Two
months ago my wife could scarcely speak. SDe
has taken two bottles of your Life Renewer,'
and now she can't speak at all. Please send me
two more bottles, wouldn't be without it,
The exasperated New Haven Register says
{" An odorous perfume waits across Connecticut
every time there is clam-bake in Rhode Island
and an east wind blowing. If that little finger
OF a State cant keep Its savory smells at home, a
delegation will be sent down to roof it in, or else
eat up the clans
They say that profanity not known in the
world until one day, somewhere about 5000 years
before the Christian era, when ArIstldes, chasing
from his Office in desperate haste To catch the last
street car, was stopped by Themistocles. who
wanted TO tell him how the Rheumatism had been
troubling him nearly all winter, and how many
things he bad tried for it.
Advertisement in an exchange Ii the young
man who went to call on girl an Fourth street,
last Sunday night, but who suddenly left the front
door and shot out Of the yard, with dog attach
ed to the dome of his trousers, will return the
dog a reward Of five dollars will be paid by the
girls father, and nO-questiOns asked"
An Irish self-taught poet, being asked to say
grace over a small piece Of beef and few pota-
toes rather OF the dwarfed size, pronounced 1t
thus extempore -
o Thou that blest the Ioaves and fishes,
Look down upon these two poor dishes;
And though the 'tatoes are but small,
Oh make them large enough for all
For if they do our bellies all
Twill be kind OF miracle.
EDrroaIAL HAPPISEss.-If, as it is said, happi-
uess consists in occupation Of the mEd, the aver
age editor should be moderately content With
two men sitting on his table, reading exchanges
book agent whispering in bis ear that he III
never get such . chance again because there
WASH { but Que made, boy or two hanging round
the or.lakirts with base ball item concealed
ab5nt their persons, a cOmpOsitOr iainting away
nfs of nj fuI
chirography, couple Of patrons pressing him for
q seven-dOllar puff for dollar and quarter ad-
vertisement, and lerOciOus-lOOking Individual
sitting Just outside the door with heavy weight
cane, and a crumpled copy OF the paper IN his
hand, waiting for - a chance to see him alone,
the newspaper man may be said to be just in the
suburbs of occupation, and threatening to be
quite busy IN time.
A NEVADA JuDGE.-s' IL is a surprise to a
young man like you here, said Judge BOwker, at
Reno, New, the other day, TO fellow who had
been whooping il over night. - You filed your
self up with enemy to deprive you Of your
brains proceeded the court, ,re-arranging its spec
taees and glaring at the culprit. - Now, here
you are, n young Of intelligence and good
clothes on, and doubtless you have a mother and
sisters you think great deal more of than do.
YoEr have been sent to sc1Ool and taught how To
earn good living. In return for this you go
screaming around the streets ut midnight, tear
ing down signs and making Wild beast of your
self. Is that like the conduct of a reasonable
creature? No, Of course 1t ISN'T. Now, | am
going to teach you u lesson, young man. You
needn't turn pale, for it won't help you any.
Have you got any chewing tobacco about you
Thankee Chew more aRd drink less, like | do.
You re discharged. Next time you re tempted to
take q drink, think Of my kindness and weep,
and refrain from the debasing habit. Eh? Well,
l don't care il do. Avery, come out and join
me with this young gentleman. Exchange.
A statement has been issued by the War De-
partment OF the United States giving the num-
Der OF men furnished for the Union Army by
each State and Territory and the District of Col
umbia from April 18th, 1861, to the close Of the
War of the Rebellion. 1t shows that the total
number Of volunteers was 2 ,67S .967, distributed
as follows Maine. ~, ia; New Hampshire,
SO ,629 Vermont, 1862 Massachusetts,, l52,
O4S Rhode Island, 23,699 Connecticut, 81,
379 New Yo.k, 467 .074 New Jersey, 81 .0l0
Pennsylvania 366. 10Y; Delaware, I3 go
MARYLAND so .316; West Virginia, 30 .06S ; Dis
trict OF Columbia, 1882; Ohio, 3l9 ,659 In
diana l97, ,I47 Illinois. 259. .l47 Michigan, 80.
372: Wisconsin, 90 .424 Minnesota, 25,052;
Iowa, 763Oo; Missouri. 100 Ill; Kentucky,
79. OPS Kansas, 20. ISL; Tennessee. 81 .092; Ar
kansas. s 239 North Carolina. 3.I56 Califor-
MIA. I5725: Nevada, l050: Oregon, l,Sl0 I;
Washington Territory, 964 Nebraska Territory,
3.I57: Colorado Territory, 1903; Dakota Terri
tory, 256 New Mexico Territory, 6,561; Ala
bama. 2576 Florida, 2. 100 t.: Louisiana. 8, ,224 /;
Mississippi, 545 Texas, ,965 and the Indian
nation. 3. SOB. The troops furnished By the
southern States were, with the exception Of those
,f T.,uiaiana nearly all white. Florida fnrnish-