The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1879-10-25
. NINErY-r1vE POUNDS OF REPUBLICAN,


1t Is SAID when that promising young attor
ney whose broad shoulders support all the
cares and responsibilities o. that massive in
sttution known as the Juvenile Republican
Club of Ottawa, was indicted by his honest
paternal ancestor into the office of noted To-
cal attorney with the view of entering him a
law student, he prefaced the application III
this wise: II say, mister, | want you to make
u lawyer of this ere boy, | know he'll make
a good one, for young as he Is he's the derndest
liar in our whole township" How the young
man has justified the parental confidence in
his supreme qualification is shown by the
character of his last and most shining forensic
effort that amazing circular which he wrote
and had put ont week ago IN the name of the
Juvenile Republican Club of Ottawa. AS a
sample of stalwart lying-lying in all its vari-
Gus grades and clasificatlons-lying direct, ly-
ing 10y inuendo, stupid lying, cunning lying,
white lying and black lyng-the whole range
of satantic literature may be vainly searched
for its superior.
But the genius Of this amazing youth crops
out in another very singular quarter. Science
for ages has sought to establish certain com
parative tests by which to gauge average man
hood. The phrenologist claims to be able TO
measure mans mental caibcr by his bumps;
the Psychologist by the lineaments Of his coun.
tenancc; Napoleon is said to have judged of
the stuff in a man by his nose; but 1t remain
ed for our genius to discover sundry other tests,
first among which is what may be called the
aC0irdUp0ts test. This test, however is useful
only to gauge the consequence of a man as a
politician, or to bring 1t down to its finest
point, as a republican politician. A man who,
like Mr. Duncan McDougall for instance, the
President of the aforesaid }. o. X. Club, weighs
1865 lbs is a high grade first class republican
Chas, Blanchard, now, who weighs but 1856, is
obviously but a second grade; some of the I'M
der age infants Of the j. o. II. Club, who weigh
1l5 TO 1875, are evidently but third rate stuff
while Mr. j. f. Nash, who IS alleged by this
genius to weigh but 95 lbs, Is so low grade,
scalawag republican US to be of no account
whatever!
But our astonishing genius don't stop with
his wonderful avolrdupoiste test He has anoth-
er that lays over the ayoirdupois all hollow
Hear him:
Fourth, the writer is necessarily a weak and
effcminate man, because his syllepses betray |
his mental and physical developments unmis-
takably.
"iis syllepses''" A mans mental caliber
and physical developments are to be judged by |
his syllepsesM 0 dear, o dear, won't some
body please fan us! And now, in heavens
name, what are syllepses? We turn to Webster
and find this" SWepSis-The agreement of
a verb or adjective with one rather than anoth.
er of two nouns, with either Of which it might
agree IN gender, number &c" So mans
mental development-that is, his grade as
,talwart republican, his capacity to judge Of
1 candidates fitness, in short the general big
ness or litleness of his whole mental git up
are to be judged by the agreement of his verb
lr adjective with one rather than another of
wo nouns" &c, &c. !! Worse yet a mans
physical dcvelopment-th the size of his head
lis ears, MS lcct, MS Dutl anu OtHef WlhgS,
ire to ne gagged by the fact whether his lad
ectlvcs agree with his nouns in number and
yender!" AS if one should say, for instance
hat the genius we are talking about, though
perhaps, as he claims to be, A Young Repub
lean, is really an old granny, there would be
such mixing up of gender" as to show on
,ne's part some abnormal or peculiar physical
development, as overgrown, or too small feet
90 small or too big a nose, too long or too
hort limbs, &c
Alas alas however, that such genius should
lftcr all fail so ridculously of its mark! The
'sylepscs" test has proved deluslon and a
mare. Instead Of being 95 lb. republican,
We beg to assure the stalwart President of the
Juvenile r G. of Ottawa that the author of
he FREE TRADER article commented on by
"A Young Republican" in the last Ottawa Re
Dnbliran is good solid l15 ID. republican, and
both mentally and physically considers him.
self IA full match for at least half of SAID jul
'enile institution, either fistically or forensic
,lly
Tempt of a man he usually calls him Meth
Ddlst preacher, exhorter, pulpit FOUNDER, or
bowler" Evidently the Deacon don't like the