Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1879-06-14
Mark Twain as a Presidential Can.
didate.

Mark Twain as a Presidential Cam.
dtdate.
This Is the way In which Mark Twain once
announced himself as candidate for Presi-
dent:
"Ihave pretty much mace up my mind to run
for President What the country wants is a
candidate who cannot be injured by fnveStiga.
ton OF his past history, SO that the enemies OF
the party Will be unable to rake I'D ANYTHING
against him that nobody ever heard OF before.
If you know the worst about a candidate to be-
gin with, every attempt to spring things on him
will be checkmated. Now / am going to enter
the Held with an open record. l am going to
done andif any Congressional committees is dis
hope Of discovering any dark and deadly deed ed
In the flTst place, admit tb Raew[ treed
rheumatic grandfather Of mine In the winter
OF 1850. He was Old and inexpert In climbing
characteristic Of me I ran him out OF the front
door In his night shirt at the point OF a shot
gun, ard caused him to bowl up maple tree.
where ne remained all night, while | emptied
wiz do 1t again IL ever have another grand
rather. / am as 1nhuman now as was In 1880.
candidly acknowledge that ran away at the
smooth over this fact by asserting that did SO
Tor the purpose OF Initiating Washington, who
Went into the woods at Valley Forge for the
purpose OF saying his prayers. 1t was miser-
aole Supterfuge. struck out In straight line
Tor the Tropic OF Cancer because was scared.
wanted my country saved, but preferred to
nave somebody else save 1t. / entertain that
preference yet. II the bubble reputation can
oe obtained only at the lannon's mouth. am
w,iailng 10 60 there for 1t, provided the cannon
Is empty. II 1t is loaded my immortal and in
neAiOie purpose Is to get over the fence and 60
Hoihe My nvariable practice In war has been
10 Dflng out OF every fight two-thtrds more men
Inan wnen went In. This seems to me to he
Napole0n1c In its grandeur.
MY financial views are of the most decided
character, out they are not likely, perhaps, to
ineiease my popularity with the advocates OF
tniIaClon. l DO not Insist upon the special
supremacy OF rag money or hard money. The
gIeat iundamental principle OF my life is to take
any kind can get.
''The rumor that.I buried a dead amt under
my grapevine was correct. The vine needed fer.
uilZlng my aunt had to be buried, and dedi-
Ga.e1 ner 10 this high purpose. Does that unfit
nee Tor the Presidency? TIE Constitution OF our
country does not say SO. No other CITIZEN WAS
ne enriched his grapevines with hts dead rela-
yves. why should 1 be selected as the flrst
Vlctim or an absurd prejudice?
aomlt also that am not a friend OF the
poor man. regard the poor man, In his pres
emf condition, as so much wasted raw mate
RAJ: Cut up and properly canned he might be
mace useful to fatten the natives OF the can
ni6al islands and TO improve our export trade
with that region. shall recommend legisla-
ton upon the subject In my first message. MY
campaign cry Will be: Desiccate the poor work
ingman; stuff him into sauSageS.'
"TheSc are about the worst parts OF my
record. On them come before the country
II my country don't want me, ] will 60 back
again. But recommend myself as safe
mana man who starts from the basis OF total
depravlty ana proposes to be flendish to the