The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1879-06-24
HUMOROUS.

WE WOULDN'T PAY "WAN Gimp
"Mr. Murphy, the officer says you
were intoxicated last night. What have
you to sayp"
"Does he, faith ?" querled Murphy
In return, rs he seized the bar of the
police court and heard the charge of
His Honor.
you were unable to take care Of
yourself"
Well, now, av that don't bate all |"
Is there any reason why you should
not be punishedp''
R'ason It's the most onr' r'asonable
thing ever done to mortal man to take
me to the station house,"
You were drunk"
lis 1T me drunk2 No, sor, half
drunk. Sure, av man can't walk
along wud frind, an ould frind at
that, wudout goln' to the lookup
dunno phat do at all, at ALL"
"He couldr't walk, Yer Honor"
said the officer.
"I'm as good q walker as he is or any
other man and sure there's me daugh-
ter, Berjnlia. phat's goin' to be a
manly maker, sure"
"You are fined $40, Mr.. Murphy"
He walked into the corridor on mis-
way, to the prison, with frown on
his face and anger In his eye.
DO you want to send for a friend p;
asked Messenger MacEnvoy, kindly.
A frind! For phat?"
To pay your fine"
Niver, nivcr. No, sor, not av !
was to shtay here till doom's day, I'll
niVer pay wan cint. That's phat's the
matther wud me, dye mind that now"
A FEW days since party of gentle
men were together. One man, a joker,
stepped up to member Of the party
and, holding long hair before his
eyes, said "Scc here, old fellow, this
| looks suspicious. Where did this long
hair come 1rom?" 'Why, that's from
my wife's head !" care you sure OF
it2" "Sure of itp of course l am.
You don't suppose you would find any
other woman's hair about me, do you
"No, probably not; but 1 am sorry to
see you are so sure it Is your wife's
hair. for L just picked it Off the coat of
this gentleman" pointing to a friend
near by.
a DUTCHMAN once met IN Irislman
on lonely highway. AS they met
each smiled, thinking he knew the
other. Pat, OH seeing his mistake, re.
marked, with a look Of disappointment
" Faith, and thought it was you, and
you thoughtit was me, and it's naythul
of u.s." % Yaw, dat is dru. am an
oder man, and you ism OF Yourself, ans
| we are both some other bodies"
HERE" said the farmer, as he ex.
hibited broken jar to the manufac.
turer, packed this jar full Of butter
AMI the jar split from top to bottom
Perhaps you can explain the phenomc
ma" Oh, yes, can," was the ready
reply, "the butter was stronger than
the jar"
A RAW German who had been sum
moned for jury duty desired TO be re
lieve,, giving this reason: Schudge
| can Mich goot Inglish understand ,
Looking over the crowded bar the
Judge replied: "Oh, you can serve
You won't have to understand gooC
English; you won't hear any sucl
| here"
| GENTLEMAN addresses another
gentleman, whom he doesn't know, a
Il party: "This affair Is awfully
stupid. Let's go out and take drink. )
" would like to do it," was the reply
"but can't leave very we'll" "Why
that is giving tho party"
The rich young lady VINO recently
married Il horse car driver had taken t(
heart Sir Joseph Portcr's pronuncia
montO, that Glove Is Il front platform OF
which all ranks meet"
TEACHER - Have you not Learned
your geography lesson? Smart French
Boy-llow could |, m'sicu, withou
hearing from Berlin.
LADIES will be interested in knowing
that fur-lincd cloaks have been worl
In Poland by peddlers for the last hun
dred years.
"PooR man, indeed ~ she remarke,
of one who had lost the faculty 0
smell )" he hasn't scent in the world.
"WEIanT for the wagon" observe,
the farmer, as he helped his 300-poun,
wife to seat In thehwagon.
The weight Of the transgrcssor +
fifteen ounces to the pound.
BUcKsKIN gloves are dear becaus
the deer Is the bucks kin.
SOLID men are generally fond 0
, liquid refreshments.
E@..m...~s.-.n-
81 DON'T WANT THAT srUFE" ls wha
lady Of Boston said to her husband
!, when he brought home some medicine
to cure her of sick headache and neu.
for fourteen years. At the first attacl
thnraN OIL, jnf 70