The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1879-10-16
All Sorts.

Inc man VINO tumbled over the stove DUR
ing the summer, rather than take it down,
now laughs at his neighbors who took the
other course.
He who makes Canadian thistle grow
where none grew before is liable under the
laws of Michigan to get clawed around by
constable.
s'Scratch a Russian and you will find a
Tartar" Harpers' Weekly advises voters
to scratch Cornell, but doesn't state what
they will find.
Election day is rapidly approaching, and
the man with a vote to sell begins too look
as important as South American war dis
patch.
An old hat belonging to Napoleon I. was
recently advertised in Paris. We shouldn't
think it would bring much, as both the Nap
and crown were gone.
It was new Idea, that of an Iowa man
who got up Bible with one page of holy
writ alternating with page advertisement
of business houses, but somehow it didn't
sell.
An auctioneer was endeavoiing to sell a
fowling piece, and failing to get bid, by
stander who had read the papers said: "Blow
in the muzzle and it will 60 off,
We have at last discovered why so many
Of our young men become bald. They wear
their straw hats until the frost strikes in
and kills the roots of their hair.
San Francisco went enthusiastically wild
over Grant because it knew be wouldn't
mount the lecture platform.
It is said to have been demonstrated that
General Sherman can eat more watermelon
than Hayes. But he is not such an author.
ity on pumpkins.
About the first thing savage does after
becoming converted by missionaries is to
build better house and buy locks for his
doors.
That wonderful man, Beaconsfield, has
been writing another work of fiction. 1t isa
review of the state of trade and agriculture
In this country.
"Here, landlord, I'll take no 'Pinafore' in
my coffee, said a guest as he uncovered the
sugar bowl to find it fairly swarming with
ants.
We sawa lovely family party taking the
air yesterday. The wife bore in her arms
plump, happy, twenty pound youngster, and
the husband carried the youngsters doll.
The Indians of Western Texas use cotton
wood leaf, instead of whisky, as an antidote
for snake bites. This is sufficient evidence
of the imposibi,ity OF civilizing the red man.
The Prince Of Wales sons are receiving
thirty. seven and half cents per day for
their services in the British navy, and it is
believed that the navy pays for all it gets,
even at that rate.
The New Haven Register complains Of
''life's dull routine" and yet it is the best
season of the year to 60 out with bag and
rob pear trees or pile boxes up in front OF
store doors.
A strange freak of nature is re ported by
gentleman living out on the western SUI
burbs. Last week his wife gave birth to a
daughter with bear neck and deer little
feet.
When boy gets a new pair of suspeuders
he has to give one day to seeing if he can
draw them tight enough to lift his feet off
the ground. The male sex and Mary Walk.
er will understand how this is.
Seth Green thinks all brook trout taken
under seven inches in length should be
thrown back. But who ever knew of a
brook trout weighing less than half pound
to be captured.
the Cincinnati Commercial doesn't know
what they are waiting for, unless it is for
her to turn out OF bed in the morning.
The New York Evening Post has an arti-
Gle on "How to Get the Paternal Dollar into
Use," just send them to us and We'll show
a way in no time.
Illinois boasts Of the leanest girl in the |
world. She is so thin that Sara Bernhard |
could travel as the fat woman along side Of |
her. She is probably native Of Galena.
A religious wag in a Fairfield prayer |
meeting recently prayed for the absent |
sswho were PROSTATE on beds OF |
sickness and chairs of wellness."
When you see young gentleman escort
ing young lady with suspicious regularity,
yuu can bet on that walking match.
If the grave robbers can only be quiet Ole
Bull will make his positively last appear
ance" on the occasion of his own funeral,
not before.
Only three animals, says the Jersey City |
Journal, can endure physical strain, long
bulldog, the ass, and the
who walks at Gilmore's Garden.
Medical men say that good cigar will
teady the nerves of man on the gallows,
md the Detroit Free Press advises its read
rs to try it once and see.
1t is proposed to take lot of baseball
lines out to California this winter to get
ven with that State for sending Dennis
Iearney east last year.
No American is ever guilty Of meeting
mother without asking: swell, how's
rade?n And it doesn't matter If one of
hem is hangman.
Life, Growth, Beauty
sWhat we all admire" and how to secure
!: A fine head of hair in its natural color
] such an adjunct to beauty that no one who
rizes good looks should neglect to use
London Hair Color Restorer,' the most
Ieanly and delightful article ever intro
uced to the American people. 1t is totally
iferent from all others, not sticky and ff
ummy, and free from all impure ineredi- I