Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1879-08-14
FUNNYGRAPHS.

! SohS VI tlIS IldTNaTu SIdUutle-
That last examination did so much for
me, that now am the owner of the big
A. B.
A little boy in the neighboring village
swallowed a coin the other day. He
was like man who was eating onions
had a scent in his Syracuse
Sunday Times.
Chow do you sell these fearful
bulbs? ?" asked an affected young lady
of a green grocer. He stared at her for
a moment recovered himself, and said,
"Oh, them inyuns" ''By the rope"
There was once a man in Louisiana
who couldn't tell a lie. He was tran
slent vlsltor-exceedingly transient.
They killed and scalped him three min
utes after he reached the State.
Professor in law recitation; "Mr
=. what is excusable homicide ?"
Senior, promptly: "Excusable homi-
eide is when man kills himself in
eelf-defense."
An exchange inquiries, Does hang
ing prevent murder ?" 1t certainly
does. Who ever heard of a man COM
hitting murder after he was hanged ?"
Bufalo Express.
Kate Cobb, the Connecticut fendess.
as the Detroit Free Press calls her, has
had three offers of marriage since she
went into retirement. Three more I'M
fortunates weary of breath.-Neoo York
Commercial Advertiser.
These are the days when the small
| how olI he ha ta11oct Nh -
the back yard, exhibiting the utmost
recklessness, until finally he steps On a
limb more brittle than the rest, and oh,
horrors falis--to devouring the fruit
with an energy that betokens first
class job for the nearest physician
L0ckport Union.
During the recent heated term a
Chicago clergyman told his hearers that
unless they repented and were born
again, they would go to St. Louis,
where TIE worm dieth not and the
thermometer is 100 degrees in the shade.
He made many converts .-NorriStooUn
Herald.
To the Khedive of Respected
Sir: Having learned that in conse-
quence of your recent dethronement
you are troubled about a place to live,
we hasten to offer you the freedom of
Cincinnati. Rents are very low here,
the Theodore Thomas concerts are in
full blast, and you can get a schooner
of beer for cents.-Cincina0ti Times.
1t Was new girl who was stranger
in town. The young lady of the house
was much put up by he1 wanting to go
to church Sunday morning when she
wanted her aid in dressing. 81 don't
see what you are so anxious to go to
church every Sunday for" she pet
ulantly exclaimed; ''you can't know
any fellow in Danbury." Dan6ury Neacs
If you want slight commotion in
your physical system buy tomatoes; q
little unpleasantness, blueberrles; an
opportunity to clay off" half a day,
green peaches; a general hubbuo and
two days vacation, watermelOns; real
double and twisted bow knot, cucum-
bers; an entire season in bed ard the
full fruition of the autumn in the
"happy land" green apples.-NeaU Ha-
zen Register.
1t is hard for professional pride to
remain silent when good old tradition
of the craft is outraged. The other
night, when a new drama was produced
at a London theater, the gallery was
crowded; and the goods" were pleased
to approve Of the piece generally until
the burglary scene. But, when the
burglar was seen "doing" the place with
all the blinds up, so that he could be
seen sat work" from the street an ex-
I ~
but yelled out, "Why don't you pull
your blinds DOWN."
The superintendent of one of our
cemeteries was called upon not long
since by man who said he wanted to
select a lot in which to bury his wife
who had died the day before. The off
ciai started out with him to walk
through the grounds, and on the way
fell into conversation concerning the
deceased. "Was her death sudden ?"
he asked. "Well, yes; rather" an
swered the bereayed husband; "that is,
at the last. She was ailing like for a
good while, but the last week she went
off hand over fist. "-Boston Traveller.
"Run for doctor and glass of bran
dy, quick" cried red-nosed man,
slightly overcome by heat and so forth,
on Pawtucket avenue, Sunday after
noon. Good Samaritans started off in
answer to his appeal in every direction,
when they were rounded to by an addi,
tional cly, "Don't too many of you go
for the doctor and not enough for the
brandy. l guess You better all go for
the brandy first and for the doctor af-
forwards" They all looked upon the
old humbug, who was thus presuming
upon the best impulses of humanity,
and then left him alone with his thirst
under shady tree.-Providenc Press.