Weekly Trinity journal., 1879-12-13
MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.
Response ofSamuel ~. Clements ut
the Banquet of the Army OF
the Tennessee.

AT the recent banquet given in Chica-
60 by the Army of the Tennessee in hon
or of General Grant, Mark Twain res
ponded as follows to a toNst of The Ba-
bies-as they comfort us in our sorrows,
let us no; forget them in our festivities :"
/ like that. We have not all had the
good fortune to be ladies. We have not
all been generals, or poets or statesmen,
but when the toast works down to babies,
we stand on common ground, for we
have all been babies. 1t is shame tina,
for thousand years the worlds ban
quets have utterly ignored the baby as il
he didn't amount to anything If you
viii stop and think a minute if you will
80 back fifty or one hundred years to
your early married life and recontemplate
your first baby, you will remember that
he amounted to a good deal, and even
something over. You soldiers all know
that when the little fellow arrived at the
headquarters you had to hand in your
resignation. He took entire command.
You became his lackey his mere body
servant and he had to stand around, too
He was not n commander who made al
lowance for time, distance, weather or
anything else. You had to execute his
order whether it was impossible or not
and there was only one form of marching
| in his manuel Of tactics, and that was the
/
! double. quick, He treated you with ev-
cry sort Of insolence and disrespect and
the bravest OF you did not dare to say "A
( word. You could face the death,storm
of Donelson and Vieksbur., and give
back blow for blow but when he clawed
your whiskers and pulled your hair, and
twisted your nose, you had TO take it,
When the thunders of war were sound
ing in your ears, you set your face toward
| the batteries and advanced with steady
tread, but when he turned on the terrors
of his war-whoop you advanced in the
other direction, and mighty glad of the
chance, too. When he called for sooth-
ing syrup, did you venture to throw out
unbecoming an officer and gentleman Z
No, You got up and got it. When he or
dered his pap bottle,n and IL was not
warm, did you talk back ? Not you.-
You won't to work and warmed it. You
even descended SO far in your montal
Office as to take a suck at thai warm, in
sipid stuff just to see if it was right, three
| parts water to one of milk touch of su
gar to modify the collie and drop oil
peppermint to kin those immortal bic
coughs. | can taste that stull. And
| how many things yoG learn rs you went
along ! Sentimental young folks still
take stock in that beautiful old saying,
that when the baby smiles it is because
the angels are whispering to him. Very
pretty, but too thin simply wind on tn,
stomach, my friends. If the baby pro.
posed to take II walk Mt his usual hour
two O'Clock in the morning didn't you
rise up promptly and remark, with {
mental addition, which would not i'm
prove, Sunday School book much, tha
that was tho very thing you were abou
to propose yourself. "Oh, you were un
der good discipline and rs you went pat
tering up and down the room in nm un
dressed uniform you not only pratteC
undignilled baby talk, hut even tuned
up your martial voices and tried to uUg
Rock II. by, Baby, in the tree-top,' for
instance. What a spectacle for an army
Of the Tennessee ! and what an'alllctior
for the neighbors, too, 70 it is not every
body within mile around that likes mil
itary music at three o'clock in the morn.
ing. And when you had been keeping
this sort of thing up two or three hours
ard his little velvet head intimated tina
nothing suited him like exercise and nois
what did you do You simply went or
until you dropped in tho last ditch. Th
idea that n baby doesn t amount to any
thing Why, the baby is just a hous'
and front yard full by itself. One bab,
can furnish more business THAI you ah(
your whole Interior Department can at
tend to. lie is enterprising, irrepressible
brm full! Of lawless activities. Do WIN
you please you can t make him star OF
the Reservation. Sufficient unto the da,
is one baby. As long as you are in you
right mind, don u you ever pray for twins
Mr.. Clements is the father of pair -
Twins amount TO perm anent riot, an,
there amt any real difference betwee,
triplets and an insurrection. Yes,
was high time for toast TO the masse
to recognize the importance OF the babies
Think what Is in store for tho presen
be dead, trust and thon this flag, ii
still survive, and 10: US hope it muy, vii
be floating ever a Republican number
ing 200 900 900 souls according to th
settled laws OF our increase. Our presen
schooner Of State will have grown into
political leyathan-a Great Eastern. =
The craded babies of to day will be ol
deck-let them be we'll trained, for W
are going to leave big contract on thei
hands. Among the S3,000,0 900 or 4, 900, 90
cradles. nov rocking in the land are som
which this nation would preserve for rage
as sacred things, If we could know whicl
ones they are. In one of these cradle
the unconscious Farragut of the future
at this moment teething. Think of il
and. putting in word of dead earBe,
inarticulated, but perfectly justidablC
profanity over it, too. in anot her, tn
future-renowned astronomer is blinkin
al tho shining milky-way with but
liquid interest-poor little chap an