The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1879-10-02

SORRY her lot who loves two swell.
IMPORTANT suit--frst jacket and
trowsers. = sskatss.
UNLIKE the flea, when you put your
finger on hornet, he is there.
MIsERs, as a class, must have very
poor memories. They are forgetting.
SCOTLAND must be windy place.
They have Gaels there all the time.
SOME of our subscribers are trying to
kill us with kindness unremitting kind
ness.
SOMEBODY says that the flower of the
family should. be we'll bred and have
very little crust about her.
In rounding his periods we are panied
to notice that the fly gives no heed to
Wilson's rules of punctuation.
EDISON says the newspapers make
| light of his latest invention more sue
cessfully than he can do it himself.
WHY is an empty fish net like an
English title of nobility? Because it is
barren net. See?
IT'S passing strange that amid all the
mistakes of the world, nobody ever
passed quarter for twenty-cent
piece. o7- rtsa
A PHILADELPHIA barber refused to
color Bob IngersolPs mustache, on the
plea that it never should be said OF him
=" that he dyed an infdel."
WHEN his wife asks him for dollar
or two for current demands, he smiles
sweetly and says, "True love, darling,
seeks no change" .f
WE believe that if an angel should
call into the sanctum of the average
scissors fiend, that he would clip its
wings and pass them off as his own.
i You might as well back mule up
against beehive and tell him not to
kick, as to tell woman about wedding
and not set her under jaw in motion.
/ A MAN who had a pig to sell led it
into market, Because" he said,
lead pig was heavier than the flesh and
blood kind.''
1T puts man on his mettle to say
there's good deal Of steal about him.
He doesn't know whether it is irony or
not, although he may be lead to believe
; that it is. s
4 AN old farmer, the first time he ate an
oyster stew, was asked how he liked it.
"Well," he answered, liked the soup
. well enough, but wish they'd left out
, them pollywogs." s-ss--
+ SEASIDE hotel keepers are overhauling
,, their stock of bathing suits to see how
many can be patched up for next sea-
sons service and how many will have to
| be put aside for dish rags.
! MELANCHOLY barber with soul above
his business)-"I don't get much of a
: livin' by it, sir.''' Customer Through
: the lather)-"T Then-you ought-for
/ you scrape hard enough-for itP'--
e Punch.
!. A MICHIGAN tramp who has shot at
+ five times by farmers wives, says he has
t avoid the contents, as a woman always
|, shuts both eyes when she pulls the
}, trigger. @
). "LET me supply the bustles of the
; women, and will have the largest
e circulation in the nation" was the
/ laudable ambition of an editor. But
he never thought the whole sex would
t sit down on it.
THEY had a very sad affair at West
= Point. A lady at Cozzen's told her
= mamma that the cadets wear pants; and
a man said: $50 do their sisters, and
's their cousins and their aunts;" and he
$ was shot through the heart.
:. The Editors Easy Chair" is all in
:, your mind. It's a piece of furniture
;, that's used only by those that wear the
= honors the ones that do the work don't
= have anything easy. Put this in your
Is scrap-book, among the anxious.
II STATISTICS show that all the church
"a property in the United States is worth
II 1854, ,000,0 900, while every year 800 900.
II 900 are spent for drinks. The newspaper,
"a have often protested against the practice
= of building such expensive churches.
"YEs, mamma, took three Jumps ol
sugar out of the cupboard, ,"says the little
girl, eontritely. "That was very naught,
indeed; but as you have confessed it,
70 shall forgive you Go and sin no more. ;
~ ~ "Then give me the other lump-I only
- took two"
" SKIRTS are to be gathered to the wais
,e this winter, says the fashion journals
n Hevings! are we going to have muc
II waist deep!-l Mss Addie Boyd. No, no
5. that means the waist of the young men
to and includes the young woman in th'
ar skirt. "
IN AN agent who had sold Dutchmar
,f some goods was to deliver them at thu
10 residence of the purchaser. The Dutch
~ man gave him the following directions
.. You shoost goes behindde church; der
C. you turns up de right for a while til
e. you come to house with big hog il
" the yard. Dots me-"
,e He had Just landed from a three year.
,e whaling voyage, and overcome by hi
rs joyful reception, found himself befor
ID the police court "Your honor" h
,e said, plaintively, "Pm a simple sailor
" lowly born" Thirty days for tn,
ct drunk, six months for Pinafore,'" wa
ye the ringing sentence; and the poor tar
e.! bewildered, was dragged to his dungeol
IL, cell, and deprived of telephone com
Ir. munication
IL A GOOD woman, after the death of he
n husband, had married the brother of tn
Id departed. She preserved, nevertheless
~ in her diningroom, picture of her frs
ne spouse. One day a guest at the table
ID noticing the portrait, asked her if it wa
ry a member of her family eyes" replie'
ts the lady, frankly, ait is the portrait o
my poor brother-in-law."
a A.