The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-02-20
RATES OF
WHOLE NO. 1862.
Miscellaneous.

|
Ode to money lender--meet me aloan.
The LATEST place in Germany-Eidle
berg
A capital letter-One containing re-
mittance.
Why is it that people boot dog and
| shoe hen?
A hair dressers widow is spoken of as
a relict of barbarism.
Satan" was the application Adam
gave the devil in Eden.
When a man knits his brows he is very
apt to darn something-or words to that
effect.
"Set solid," as Shake said when the
chair he sat down wasn't there, and he
landed on the floor.
eff all the world were blind. what
melancholy sight it would be!' said an
Irish clergyman.
We have seen a chimney smoke and a
chimney swallow, but we don't know
whether it drinks.
"Be careful how you punctuate the
stove" is the latest. 1t means not to
put too much colon.
1t cannot be said that ''all flesh is
grass" grass gets its dew-which is more
than our shake will get, till he's married
small boy declined to eat soup at
dinner the other day, on the ground that
he hadn't any teeth that were. little
enough for soup.
Young housewife: what miserable
little eggs againl You must really tell
them, Jane, to let the hens sit on them q
little longer"
II think our church will last a good
many years yet, said waggish deacon
to his minister: II see the sleepers are
very sound"
When may ones teeth be said to usurp
the functions of ones tongue2-When
they are chattering.
1t is great shock to a mans nervous
system to have a suspender button fly off
Just when he is making a profound bow
to lady in the street.
A man seldom finds out that the Bible
is not true until he discovers that his
course of life is condemned by it. After
that the Bible becomes book that will
not bear the tests of the scientific meth
cd.
In the midst of a quarrel II don't
know what keeps me from breaking your
headl" well, l know what keeps me
from breaking yours I'm a member of
the society for the prevention of cruelty
to animals"
A man can live more economically this
cold weather, for nothing short of abso-
Lutte necessity could induce a woman to
get out of her warm bed in the middle of
these cold nights to rife her husbands
pockets.
"Say, Mr.. johnson, why does you re-
mind me of mad dog2" said one colored
gentlemen to another, who was recumb-
ing under q buffalo-robe. Cub it up,
Mr.. jackson" "Kase you's got hide
rough-ober-you Yahl yahl"
I'm a ruta- baga, and here's where l
plant myself" said tramp as he entered
a farmhouse near Freeport. ILL.,, and
seated himself at the table. I'VE alters
bile ours" said the farmers wife, and
soused him with dish of boiling water.
A wit having been asked by another
person whether he would advise him to
lend certain friend of theirs money,
said, What lend him money! You
might give him an emetic, and he would
mt return it"
On being deserted by her adorer,
young lady in the millinery line broke
forth in this way: Such wretch ought
to be battered to death with thimbles,
and buried in a band box"
A bereaved widower, while receiving
the coincidence of his friends, acknowl-
edged that it was indeed great loss, a
sad bereavement, that he had suffered,
and added: "And just to think Only
few days ago l bought her whole box
of pills, and she hadn't had time to take
half of them before she died"
A lannon's punster, after calling for
some pipes in a tavern, complained that
they were too short The waiter said
that they had no others, and that those
had just come in. "Ay," said the wit,
Il see your master has not bought them
very long"
what shall l leave you when die2"
said an insipid fellow to a young lady
whose patience he had nearly exhausted.
Needn't wait till you der said she;
"you can leave something now, if you
you will" What shall leave2" he ask
ed Leave yourself" she replied,
A tall Western girl, named Short, long
loved certain big Mr.. Little; while Lit.
tie, little thinking of Short, loved little
lass named Long. To make long story
short, Little proposed to Long, and Short
longed to be even with Longs shortcom-
ings. So Short, meeting Long, threat
ened to marry Little before long, which
caused Little, in short time to marry
Long. Query.-Did tall Short love big
Little less because Little loved Long?
Bashful Lover Ito his sweetheart)-
"Ahem, miss, want to see your father.
I've an important matter to propose to
him"
Young Lady Considerably =" I'm
sorry papa is not at home, but couldn't
you propose to me just as well2'
He did, and with perfect success.
FITTED.
SCENE: Fancy hosiery. Facetious Youth pur-
chasing Bow for his Sweetheart.
Facetious Youth Ito shop girD-"I sup
pose you have all kinds of ties here,
missP'
Shop Girl-"Yes, believe we have,
Sir. What kind would you like to see2'
Facetious Youth (winking to his sweet
heart)- Gould you supply me with a
pigs-ty?"
Shop Girl-"With pleasure, Sir. Hold
down your head and I'll take your mea-
sure" [Tableau.
Straub says he has thought it over a
good deal and wonders if the curious phe-
nomena have been generally observed.
that to day was tomorrow yesterday, and
yesterday yesterday was to-day. To-
morrow today is tomorrow, but to-mor-
row tomorrow is day after tomorrow to-