davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26
HARD To GET AT.

81 want to know, Mrs. -" interrupt
ed Hubbard; II want to know on which
side of the house the L is, north, south,
east or west ?"
Its on this side," replied the lady,
motioning with her hand.
THE east sideg"
No"
1.-THE west side?''
mo, it's straight across from Mrs. BIS
parlOr window, not twenty feet from
it, you" =,
you tell me if that L is on the east, west,
north or south side of your house?"
sit amt on any side of the house,
replied the witness, COMPRISING her lips
"it's at the end. You know it as we'll as
/ do. You've seen 1t many a time and
there amt no use"
"COme, come, Mrs, =" interrupted
Judge Cromer, tell the gentleman where
the L of your house is situated"
Haven't l been telling you as plain
as l cOuld:''
Where is the L situated ?" said Hub.
bard desperately.
Right in the lot, back against the end
of the house.
"Will you answer my question ~
shouted the affable Captain, running up
HIS ndlE III ueSIcIdllOH
What question -
rs the + on the east, west, north, or
south side of the house,"
Judge, I've told him as plain as ever
person could, didn't come here to be
sassed by one-horse lawyer. | know
him and his father before him. He
amt got no business putting on airs
What kind of family"
"Silence?r Numbered Cromer. Nov
Mrs. -, which side of your house
does the sun rise on:'
THAT one" said the witness indicat.
ing.
rs the L ON that sides"
''Yes sir"
Then its on the east side"
"Yes"
why didn't you say so, them asked
the exasperated captain.
"Cause you never asked me. you bald
headed old snipe. know a thing orr
THAT will do" said Hubbard Take
the Witness" he added turning to Tom
Wren, the opposing counsel.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26
CONGRESsIONAL.

WASHINGTON, Dec. Ex-senator Bruce
introduced bill to provide for the in
yestment of certain unclaimed pay and
bounty moneys now in the treasury, and
to facilitate and encourage education of
the colOred race. Referred.
Senator Window offered an amend
ment to the resolution offered yesterday
by Senator voorhees, for the appoint
ment of a commission of five senators to
investigate the causes of the exodus of
blacks from North Carolina 10 Indiana
The amendment instructs the commits
sion if it finds that the colored people
have been deprived of their rights, to
consider the expediency of providing
such territories as may be necessary for
the use or occupation of such persons as
may desire to emigrate from their present
homes in order to insure the enjoyment
of their constitutional rights. Ordered
printed and laid on the table.
Senator Booth introduced a bill appro-
priating $4,000 for the erection, IN the
OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES grounds of statue
of Prof Joseph Henry Referred.
Senator Plumb reported, with amend
ment, the bill introduced by Paddock in
March la 20 authorize the secretary OF
the interior to ascertain and certify the
amount of lands located with military
warrants in the states described therein
and for other purposes 1t provides fol
the payment Of what is known as the five
per cent. claim of various western states
HOUSE
Mr. King offered resolution for thf
appointment of a select committee of II
members. whose duty shall be to exam
inc into the subject of the selection of {
suitable route for an oceanic steamship
canal, 10 which all petitions, memorials
and reports relative 10 said canal shall
be referred, and which shall have author
ity to report at any time
-Ar. Scales attempted to report bacl
the senate bill for the REIMBURSEMENT o
the Ute reservation. Objected TO by Mr.
Mills
Monroe, chairman of the commifte,
ON post offices and post roads, reported
resolution calling for information as Il
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26
TAKE BREATH, SIR.

Stop minute. Don't hurry so. Move
slower; it may be you will move surer
Grind, grind, grind; one everlasting
grind from five IN the morning until
ten at night, chasing the bubble of
human riches. What is the need, pray
tell me? You always have enough, and
even more than you can use. You are
heaping up wealth for others to waste,
or perhaps quarrel over when you are
dead. And half your heirs, instead of
recollecting you gratefully, will contem-
plate your departure from this hurrying
scene with infinite satisfaction. Do rest
awhile. You are wearing out the vital
forces faster than there is need, and in
this way substracting, years from the
sum total of your life. This rush and
worry day by day, this restless anxiety
after something you have not got, is like
pebble stones in the machinery They CRATE
and grind the life ont of yOu. You have
useless burdens; throw them Off You
have a great load of needless care; dump
it. Pull in your strings. Compact
your business. Take time for thought of
better things. Go out into the air and
let Gods sun shine down on your busy
head. Stop thinking of business and
profit. Stop grumbling at adverse prov
licences. You will probably never see
doomed world. Your most opportune
season is now; your happiest day is to-
day. Calmly do your duty, and let God
take care of his own world He is still
alive and is king. Do not imagine that
things will all go to everlasting smash
when you disappear from this mortal
stage. Don't fancy that the curse of
heaven, in the shape of the vain task of
righting up disjointed earth, is impos-
ed upon you. Cease to fret and fume;
cease to jump and worry early and late.
The good time is coming, but you can
never bring it; God can and will. Take
breath, sir. Sit down and rest, and draw
a good long breath. Then go calmly at
the tasks of life, and do your work well.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26
JoHNsoN's WITNESS.

A farmer named johnson was on trial
before Detroit justice the other day for
assault and battery, and when the pros
ecution had finished he put a little old
man of about 65 on the stand as a wit
ness. The lawyer began:
"What is your names''
.If you'll tell me your name I'll tell
you mine" was the prompt answer
where do you reside:'
II won't answer no such foolish ques-
toni I've paid taxes in this county for
30 years, and won't be talked to as if
was childt''
"Well. Mr.. Blank, you saw this Diff
Guilty, did your
IF / hadn't seen it would l be here ,
Do you s'pose want to be arrested for
forgery"
''How did it begin?''
"How does anything begin?" snapped
the old man.
well, now viii you tell the jury all
about its''
mo sir; I won't If the jury want to
know anything about it let them ask
me-"
You must answer the questions. . re
marked his honor.
81 will if want to; but they haven't
asked any questions yet"
did the plaintiff and the defendant
have any hard words ~
II s'pose they did but I wouldn't swear
to it."
ibid either one call the other a liar 80
81 s'pose they did, and that's what
brung on the fuss. I'm over sixty, but if
any man calls me liar I'm going to
knock his burned head off,"
well, when the plaintiff called the
defendant liar, what was the result?'
why, how do l knows'
didn't you see blow struck?"
Not there; but the next day after this
fuss saw the purtiest fight in the world !!
One of the Jones boys was"
did you see any part of this fuss?"
mo. How could / when l was
three miles away? You ought to know
better than to ask such foolish ques-
tions"
"How did you hear of this difficulty 81
"Mr johnson told me-"
That will do-you can co.
But argeed to come here for dol
lar and swear and I'm going to do it,
You needn't think you can doze-bull me
around because I'm old.''
A constable had TO haul him out of the
box and put him out of doors, but he
wouldn't go away until he had put his
head into the window and said:
ST you think I'm scairt come out here
and put chip on your shoulder"
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

practically the same ground. The Rio
Grande company, under a decision of
the supreme court, claims that it has the
prior right of choice, as we'll as first To-
cation, and has warned all opponents off
its line. The Santa Fe company, claim
ing under general act of 1915, has put
men to work at places on the same line
and conflict seems unavoidable. Each
party has a large engineering force in
the field engaged in locating down the
valley, in a race for FL Paso.
He Got an Answer.
PHILADELPHIA, Dec. IS General
Grant was asked personally, this after
noon, whether he had, as was announced
in some of the morning papers, accepted
the presidency of the Nlcaraguan canal
company, rendered him by admiral
Ammen, yesterday. II hardly know
enough about the scheme to say much
about it, remarked general Grant.
But" urged his questloner, you can
say whether or not you accepted the
presidency"
Yes replied the general, az can sat
isfy you on that point. certainly have
not accepted t."
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

The Chicago Inter-Ocean has the fol-
lowing, which, we take, ii is about as
neatly put and as true as anything we
have seen. IL says;
1.-The Independent newpaper' the in
dependent citizen and tho Independent
christian always like TO make boast
of their superior virtues. Like the
Pharisees of old, they are ever ready to
beat their breasts, and thank God they
are not like other men And thinking
men in all ages have had reason Ia give
thanks that they are not For a man TO
think for himself alone is manly, 10 re
fuse to cooperate with all who do not
adopt his sentiments is seliishness, and
in nine cases in ten, as illustrated by
newspaper independence and boosted
individual Independence, IL amounts to
simple cussedness, and nothing more. !"
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

Davitt, DAILY and Kiilen, the Irish po-
htical prisoners lately released upon bail,
left Carrick-on-ShannOn for Dublin on
the 10Th. AS il appears from the cable
dispatches, their departure was the oe-
casion tor nationalist demonstration, n
crowd, with band playing Irish airs
accompanying them to the railway
station. The whole affair, however,
passed Off without any disturbance, and
goes to show that the Irish people are
not to be easily provoked into ebulitions
which could but damage their cause.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

How it came about that 5000 Confed-
crate soldiers cheered Justify for Flight
ing Joe Heeker'' is explained by the
editor of the Rural Sun Nashville,
TENN who was prisoner at Rock Is
land H., during the severe winter of
IS63-'64. The General visited the mill
tary prison one day, and all the inmates
were drawn up in line for inspection.
His keen eyes seemed TO scan every man
from head to heel, as he slowly passed
before them, and at the upper end of the
lines the party halted. The old general,
halfwheeling his horse, lifted his plumed
hat with as much knightly grace as if
they had all been courtlers. and soft
expression passed over his face as he
said: young gentlemen, am sorry,
very sorry for you, and hope soon our
differences will be settled so that you all
can return safely home again" Simple
as the expression was il was so different
from those they had been accustomed to
hearing from the commander of the
prison that it touched the hearts of the
ragged Rebs" like a current of electrici-
", and instantly three thousand Threats
gave lnsty cheer for Joe Hooker.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

Gen. "Billy" Malone, as the newly
elected senator from Virginia it called,
is quite unlike the typical southerner in
almost everything. He is an active bus
mess man, in the northern sense of the
word, and has been, since the war, a lead
ing railroad man. He was II general OF.
ficer in the Confederate service, and was
remarkable for never wearing any sword
or even revolvers, claiming that they
only encountered his person. He rode
into the crater to attack our troops after
the explosion of the mine AT Petersburg.
with no weapon except the penknife in
his pocket
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

Dir. Keifef, II member of congress
from Ohio, is hard money man and an
intimate friend of the president, but he
says:
ANY one who has the slightest knowl-
edge of the business interests of the
country will say that the thing we need
in this country is 10 quit financial agita-
tion and legislation until we are entirely
recovered from the reverses we have eX-
perienced resulting from an inflated, de-
preciated currency
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

THE GRANT Boon IN ENGLAND
The Grant boom, rs will be seen from
the cable dispatches, attracts no small
share of attention in England, and the
leading British journals comment upon
it with lively interest. The Times, which
is distinguished for nothing so much as
for its quick perception of the drift of
public sentiment, accepts it as practical
ly assuring his election to the presiden-
cy, and swells the boom by declaring
that il would be hailed with satisfaction
by the English people.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

There is certain bonhommie fresh
ness, wealth of expression and gener-
Gus disregard OF the so-callcd convention
alItios of life, among certain newspaper
men, that is certainly refreshing il not
commendable. AS specimen we give
the beginning of an article in a Chicago
paper: ~ prominent society belle OF
the west side, who has so many pair of
striped stockings that on wash-day the
backyard looks rs if it had been decor.
ated for-thc coming of Grant, recently
told the young man who had leased her
hugging qualities for the season, at the
expense of four theater tickets and a like
number Of oyster stews per week, that
hereafter they must meet no more, etc,
etc, etc.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

A minister once told Wendell Phil;
lips that if his business In life was to
save negroes, he ought to go TO the south
where they we're, and do it. THAT is
worth thinking Of" said Phillips, land
what is your business of life 81 ITO save
men from going to hell" replied the
the minister. Then go there and attend
to your business!' said Mr.. Phillips.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

AT the conference of southern Demo
cratic senator's Monday there was a sig
nificant failure TO get up any boom for the
Bayard resolution against the legal ten
der act. The nearest approach TO an in
dorsement of the resolution appears to
be embodied in an amendment offered
by Butler, of South Carolina, that pro
vides that legislation for carrying the
resolution into effect be postponed for
five years, which is equivalent TO post
ponment of the question for so long.
This amendment, which practically
kills the Bayard resolution, it is stated,
will receive nearly the entire Demo
cratic vote in the senate.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

c. G. Carpenter is going to lead anoth.
err party to Oklohoma next spring IN
less he is prevented by the government.
He saws four thousand are ready to go
with him and ten thousand more win
follow in time to get in "A spring
crop. The district these men pro
pose to occupy is situated in the
heart of the territory and is surrounded
by Indian reservations. This is the
same blatherskite who tried 20 in
wade the Indian Territory last spring
and failed. He will fnil again. Let that
enterprise alone.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

Said old Mr.. Wiseowl: There is a
message o: scriptur, brutherin, thet's
impressed me much, very much; I've
thought oa't and ont and I'm alluZ
thinking ont. / disrembember just
what it is, but you carn't tell how much
Nv Soils it is to me on my journey
through this vale otears
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26
"wHEN HORACE GREEDY WAS ALIVE
Chfeago T,rihuna

A tall old gentleman of large frame,
crowned with flaxen hair, visits the New
York Tribune counting room NOW and
then, with Jersey mud upon his boots.
and asks ifthere is not enough money
on hand TO allow him little as stock
holder. "When Horace Greeley was
alive" said he once, 81 used TO get
enough from my dividends to support
me. I am getting too old now to work,
and need the money. l own one share
of the stock, which my son paid $4,000
for. He gave it to me to live off of as
long MS lived" "Who was your son ~
Theodore Tilton-"
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

The latest test TO which the electric
light has been put, is announced in n
New York dispatch which chronicles
how it was successfully applied for the
illumination of the steamship Berlin,
which arrived in New York Dec. -, on
her voyage from Liverpool. Six lights
Of four hundred horse power each were
used with such satisfactory results that
before landing the passengers voted an
address of thanks for the illumination.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

Thursday, the Maine canvassing board
Will declare the result of the late cleo
ton In that state. The performance hith-
erto of the board leaves little room for ex-
pecting other action on its part than an
attempt to cOnsummate the frauds already
perpetrated in the canvass of the returns,
by the fraudulent election and installa-
tiOn of Democratic state officials. Wheth.
ct the people of the state will tamely
submit to such an outrage, rs appears
from our Washington specials, is deem
ed questionable, and the result is await
ed with considerable interest ON both
sides.-Inter-Ocea 10.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26
A LITTLE MISTAKE.

A queer story, one which the Italians
have characterized as "well-founded, if
not true, reaches us from st. Petersburg.
Lady Dufferin went to court to be pre-
sented to the CZarina. On arriving at
Winter Palace, she was shown into an
ante-room, as she thought, where an aged
lady, whom she took TO be mistress of
the ceremonies, was seated on an otto
man. The lady motioned her to a place
beside her, and entered into conversation,
but in frigid Russian style. The hand
some Irish woman with the Hamilton
blood in her veins, has little pride OF
her own, and thinking the Muscovite
waitingmaid was rather patroniZing TO the
wife of an ambassador, assumed a
stand OFF, air on her side. At length
she asked:
"Have you seen my daughter lately ~
Pardon me, madame" said Lady
Dufferin, Il fancy we do not move in
the same circle. Pray, who may your
daughter be ~
The answer led to a tableau.
THE Duchess of Edinburgh said the
stately old female, who was no other than
the Empress of Russia herself.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

Brick Pomeroy, who during the war
for the Uuion was the yilest and most
venomous Copperhead who wriggled and
Missed anywhere on the surface of the
United States, lately lectured AT Clay
Centre to large audience. The Dis
patch intimates that Col. Jesse james, of
Missouri, would have drawn equally
well for the same reasons.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26
Refore the cadi a Mobammedan W.

Before the Cadl a MOhammedan was
brought up for burning down Chris
tian's house "Where is the complain
ant?' May our souls be sacrifice, but
he is in the other world! He was
burned with his house" THE Koran, -
said the magistrate, provides that where
the complainant is unable to appear, if
his abiding place be known the culprlt
be taken there and confronted with him.
In the present case the plaintiff does not
appear, and is known to be in the next
world Let the law be executed-ditto
the prisoner" Gone to meet his victim.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

Whenever you are tempted to criticise
your minister very bad habit to get in
to- by the way-you ought to be careful
in your choice of language. THAT is
what call finished Sermon" said one
man to another as they wendell their
way from church. YES" was the reply,
with yawn, but thought it never
would he''
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

He WANTED ~ col
ored man who had contracted debt
some years ago with one OF our mer-
chants came to town and called ON his
creditor.
"Didnt you 'splain to me dat il set
tied up dat account you would give me q
'lowances' said the darkey q the mer-
chant.
ayes, / did say so, Sam said the
merchant "If yon are ready t0ssettie
ance," and the merchant waited for tie
colored individual to pull out his peck
et-book.
''Well, sir, hasn't got de money jes'
now, but / thought I'd come in and gel
de 'lowance; my wife wants a shawl. -
Columbia (Miss.) Index.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26
MAINE.

The situation in Maine is one that at
fOrds very little chance for remark When
a rogue undertakes a defence there is oc-
casion for reply, but in this case glar-
ing outrage has been perpretrated and
nothing worthy of the name of Defence
much less a denial has been attempted.
1t Is the game of that eminent Democrat,
Mr.. Tweed, over again, with his what
are you going to do about it?'' as the on
ly reply TO remonstrance. There is no
man, Republican, Democrat or Green
hacker, in Maine or out of il, who pre-
tends TO say that any frauds were com.
mitted at the election vitiating the claim
of any Republican member to n seat. 1t
is not now claimed that there were such
frauds. Nobody denies the Republican
members now counted out, were, as far as
the people could do so, voted in. Nobody
denies that to deprive these members of
their seats is TO defeat the expressed wish
of IA majority of the voters. The legal
bubbles INDUCED in are such as in COM
mon affairs pettifogging scoundrels of
lawyers have used to swindle some wild
ow out of little farm or devour the
subsistence of orphans. They are
worthy of the brain of the fellow who
once signed note payable Tomorrow
and then tried to avoid payment on the
ground that tomorrow never comes"
That fellow, in the judgment of decent
mankind, was a sneak, and so is govern
or GarcelOn, of Maine. The only aston
isling thing, after all, Is that any Re
publican should be astonished at this
truly Democratic proceeding 1t is prob
ably because men forget so easily. OF
late years the Democratic party has re-
lied SO much on violence TO carry cleo
tons, that il had escaped our memory
that il was also party of dirty tricks
and big and little frauds. But it is the
same old party that has made elections
in New York city farce, time out of
mind; which covered Kansas terrific
rial poll book with names from a Cincin-
natl directory; which forged naturali-
cation papers and soaked them in coffee
grounds in Pennsylvania. This Maine
business is piece from venerable De.
mocratic pattern, and probably such
things will occur as long as the hog
cholera Democracy exists. - Atchisen
Champion.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

I'm going on journey, pa" the
the printers daughter said, and as he
thought of losing her, tears sad and salt
he shed; but when he soon discovered
her upon wOrkman's lap, this is my
jour-knee that / meant" she said unto
her pap.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

When the Maine muddlers get the POI
htical complexion of the Legislature fixed
to suit them, probably they Will condo
scend TO lei the public know something
ahoiif II
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

a SoN's ENrHUsIAsM.-A small bov.
boasting of his fathers accomplishments
said. S1Iy father can do almost any
thug; he's notary public, and he's an
apotheeary, and can pull teeth, and he's
. doctor. and can mend wagons and
things, and play the fiddle; he's jack
ass ct all trades. -
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

The Globc-Democrat displays this
motto regarding the Irish troubles:
millions for grub, but not cent for
gsb." This is cruel Ii will prevent
thousands of patriots from contributing
Inter Ocean.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

A gentleman complained to an old
-barrister that some one had cut off his
horses tail, which. as he meant to sell
him, would be great drawback. Then
you must sell him wholesaler whole
sale! how SOY" Because you cannot
retail LII ~
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26

Ben Harrison ought to be nominated
and elected vice president. His defeat
for governor WAS a stain on the civiliZa-
ton of Naturalization Champion.