The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-12-26
CLEANS OF HuMoR.
It's the man with the rheumatism who
is every inch aking.

It's the man with the rheumatism who
is every inch aking.
A glass blower recently died at the
age of ITO years. His great age is anoth-
er proof of the blew glass theory.
The young man who fell off the fence
into the braInbles was much nettled by
the occurrence. I'VE hope thistle be APP
preciated," said the punster.
A mob tarred and feathered comic
singer out west for clipping with another
mans wife. His manager bills him as
1he great feathered songster."
A young man in Nebraska sent an Of
fer of marriage to n girl whom he fancied,
and in reply, received a telegram :
Come on with your minister"
Only one boy in seventeen in Ameri-
ca can bend a pin 10 make it answer the
purpose of a tack. Schools of design
should be opened in every town in the
land.
Cannot something be done to prevent
young ladies from being insulted on the
streets at night :-Ex. Why, yes; have
the old lady tuck them snugly in bed at
shutdown and lock the door.
"What are you looking for 81 asked one
of the widow Bedott's two daughters,
who were entertaining two young fell
lows on the piazza, rather late one night
last summer, of the old woman who
seemed to be hunting for something
around the front yard. ''The morning
papers, /" answered the widow. The young
men left.
Courage always wins" said the Sun
day school superintendent to the boys
L. EGNa cir -afA he,
est boy, nesting down in the corner of
the seat, ''ncthin' can beat four aces!"
And the answer struck such a popular
chord in the heart of each teacher that
they Immediately began feeling in. their
sleeves for cards.
There comes time in young mans
experience when 1t suddenly dawns up
on his mind that life is stern and real,
and that only By the severest labor and
greatest self denial can he hope to pro-
cure a modicum of wealth. Then he
promptly marries a girl with wart on
her nose, and goes home to live with her
sixty-thousand dollar parents.
a poet is to be hanged in England"
Is this boosted land of freedom and intel
ligence-this land flowing with with
well, with great many things-going
to sit supinely on her hind legs and see
England, her rival, making rapid strides
towards a perfect civilization without
making an effort TO surpass herr Let
us hang two poets.-NOrristOwn Herald.
He was plain old granger. and when
his son informed him that he had de-
termined to go to college and learn some
thing, the old gentleman looked straight
at him and said Now, lOok-a-here
John, you may learn readin' 'ritin, 'rith-
metic and little Biography, but if you
grapple with apy them dead langwidges,
I'll kill you when you come home, so
they'll do you some good"
Necessity knows no law" said a
member of our bar one day at dinner.
Are you the necessity >" asked his
four-yearoId daughter.
"Well, l can't see. Why do you
ask ~
Cause Mr. Spear says you don't know
anything about law" was the innocent
reply.
with a brick.
Baptist minister, fishing near Cape Cod,
catches a strange fish, and asks the skip
per:
"What manner of fish is this, my good
man? 1t has curious appearance"
"Yass. Only been round here this
year"
what do you call them?"
1--WE calls 'em Baptists."
"Why SOY"
Because they Spite so quick arter
comm out o. the water.''-Cincinnati
Times.