The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1879-05-22
PASSING SMILES.
The mule kicks in the way he does be
cause he cannot talk back, 9E

HE mule Kicks IN the way ne does DO
cause he cannot talk back.
MISS CONSTRUCTION - Whalebone,
paint, powder, and SO forth.
The woman who rejects an offer of
marriage practices slight Of hand.
WHEN does man smoke cigar too
long? When he smokes it too short.
Miss SHEETS is the new popular
ought to make tolerably good choir.
In character, in manners, in style,
and in everything, the supreme excel
lence is simplicity.
MEN of weak, envious, selfish natures
are more apt to secretly hate q friend
than an acknowledged enemy. a.e.
IT'S too much proved, that, with devo-
tion's visage, and pious action, we do
sugar o'er the devil himself.
THERE is one kind of canned goods
that goes off quicker than any other
gunpowder.
THE elephant is the first traveller of
the season, to have his trunk covered
| with canvas. -
| You've housewife: "What miserable
little eggs againl You really must tell
them, Jane, to let the hens sit on them
little longer"
The LEWISTON Gazette knows fid-
dler who "draws the hairs of the equine
over the intestiues of the feline in q
most masterly manner" 81 .sa5,
TIE manager of country theater,
| whose audience consisted one night of
but two men, both drunk, declared that
| he had q "iull house."
| A"HARDLY EVER" temperance So
| city has been formed down East. When
a mem6er is asked if he drinks he says,
"Hardly ever, but if do, it is about
this time of day." ..zs.-z..sr .,
"CoULD you tell me, sir, which is the
other side Of the street?' On being told
it was across the way, the drunken man
said: " That's what l said; but fellow
over there sent me over here"
| JOSH BILLINGS makes very frank
admission when he tells US: "After all
| | don't know az there is eny thing in
this world that pays much better than
being natraf phool." eg i
The New York police picked up q
drunken man the other day, with ton
thousand dollars in securities on his
person, and the thieves are tearing
their hair and cursing their hard luck.
BILLINGS once in a while strikes q
bottom fact in connection with human
nature, and this is one of them: "Thare
il no good substitute for wisdum. but
silence il the best that haz been discov-
cred yet"
| A PREACHER in Kentucky, the other
Sunday, becoming exasperated, paused
l L.. i To- ~ l or !
| will give me your attention I will keep
lookout on that door, and if any
| thing worse than man enters, will
warn you in time to make your escape"
"Give me five cents, mister p queried
| a corpulent woman, day or two ago.
{" You don't seem to be much in need, "
replied the party solicited. You are
a pretty well-dressed, healthy-lookingy
woman, and you have a large basketful
of groceries," eyes," she responded,
"but I want five cents. want to hire
boy to carry my basket for me-"
I -~~-s THE SEA.
Il The sea is jovial comrade:
he laughs wherever he goes;
| His merriment shines In the dumping lines
| That wrinkle bis hale repose; 5
He lays himself down at the feet of the sun.
And shakes all over with giee;
L
In the mirth of the mighty sea;
i A PROMINENT attorney, residing in
Syracuse, while fishing a day or two
since, pointed out sign-board, remark.
ing: "That fellow that put that up il
a iiarr Whyf' asked his companion
Because that sign reads, No fishing
in this brook and 1 caught the best
j trout in my basket directly under thu
board" m
THE Louisville Democrat tells of {
: Kentuckian who, criticised by a friend
for bad playing at cards, turned and
said, quietly: can old gentleman. by
the name of Roas, had two sons, Robert
and William, who each made fortune
Robert Ross attended to his own bust
ness. and William let other people
alone" The hint was taken, and the
game went on without further comment
II "MY love-" said an adoring husband
, to his second wife, as they were leaving
the church, where they had just beer
, married." Ny love, how embarrassed
, YOU seemed to be. was afraid yot
, wouldn't get through with the cere
mony.o "Oh, well, you know, my dear
.. this is nv first marriage. Next time
shall be. as lively as can be-" was ths
soothing reply.
AT the entrance of a restaurant II
; Pesth, where young ladies are employed
to stand and wait, is posted a notic'
: reading: Gentlemen are requested K
abstain from kissing the mattresses OF
t the stairs, as thisis fruitful source o
E breakage, and impedes the, service
: Human nature being the same the work
,, , over, the placard calls in great many
customers who, are anxious to see IN
girls whom they are enjoined not to kis
on the stairs.
: ONE of the Secretaries of the Churcl
: Missionary Society, a distinguished
I man, was about to preach to coloret
5 congregation, when he was introduced
: by the regular minister Of the church
!; a black man, in these words: Now
den, gbrudden,, Use heah to info'm yol
!, dat Brudder Blank is gwine to preach 7
: YOU to-day. He is the Secretary of tn
a Missionary Society, q distinguished an
e eloquent man. In fac, my brudoen
he is soundin' brass an tinklin
: ey mbaL" "a s@s
: Great Peanut Match.
: The great peanut-eating match be
i tween A. Sniff and j. Junks for $1,000
9 side came off at Swoony Hall yesfer
: day. The conditions were, each con
testant to eat quart Of baked peanut'
q each quarter-hour for forty-eight CON