The Corvallis gazette. [volume] (Corvallis, Or.) 1862-1899, 1879-12-12
"Ihe BabieS.''


The fifteenth and last regular toast
was 'sThe Babies. AS they comfort MS
in our sorrows, let us not forget them in
our festivities" and to this Samuel L.
Clemens responded. He said:
like that. We have not all had the
good fortune to be LADIES' We have not
all been generals, or poets, or statesmen.
but when the toast works down to the
babies we stand on common ground, for
we have all been babies. It is a shame
that, for a thousand years, the worlds
banquets have utterly ignored the baby,
as 1t he didn't amount to anything. IF
you will stop and think minute-if you
will go back fifty or one hundred years
to your early married life laughter and
recontemplate your first babylon will
remember that he amounted to a good
deal, and even something over. You
soldiers all know that when that little
fellow arrived at family headquarters
you had to hand in your resignation. He
took entire command. You became his
lackey-his mere body servant, and you
had to stand around, too. He was not a
commander who made allowances for
time, distance weather, OF anything
else. Convulsiye screams. You had
to execute his order whether it was pos
sible or not. Roars. And there was
only one form of marching in his manual
of tactics, and that was the double-quick
Shouts. He treated you with every
sort of insolence and disrespect laugh
ter and the bravest of you didn't dare
to say word. Great laughter. You
could face the death storm of Donelson
| a. nbo1 III Sc,
blow, but when he clawed your whiskers,
and pulled your hair, and twisted your
nose, you had to take it, Roars. |
When the thunders of war were sound
ing in your ears, you set your faces to-
ward the batteries, and advanced with
steady tread, but when he turned on the
terrors of his war-whoop laughter !, you
advanced in the other direction, and
mighty glad of the chance, too. When
he called for soothing syrup, did you
venture to throw out any side remarks
about certain services being unbecoming
an officer and gentleman? Boisterous
laughter. No. You got up and got.
When he ordered his pap bottle, and it
was not warm, did you talk back? Not
you. Renewed laughter. You went
to work and warmed it. You even de-
scended so far in your menial Office as to
take suck at that warm, insipid stuff,
just to see if it was right-three parts
water to one of milk [tumulfuous
laughter la touch of sugar to modify
the collie, and drop of peppermint to
kill those immortal hiccoughs. [Roars.
can taste that stuff. And how many
things you learned as you went along!
Sentimental young folks will take stock
in that beautiful old saying, that when
L Il, 1,xye,r l.
are whispering to him. Very pretty,
but too thinesimpIy wind on the
stomach, my friends. If the baby pro-
posed to take walk at his usual hour.
two o'clock in the morning, didn't you
rise up promptly and remark, with a
mental addition which would not i'm
prove a Sunday school book much
laughter that that was the very thing
you were about to propose yourself? :?
Great roars. Oh! You were under good
discipline, and. as you went faltering up
and down the room in your undress
uniform Tlaughter] you not only pratt
tied undignified baby talk, but even
tuned your martial voices and tried to
sing, 'Rock-a-by baby, in the tree top"
for instance. Great laughter. What
spectacle for an Army of the Tennessee.
And what an affliction for the neighbors,
too, for it is not everybody within mile
around that likes military music at three
IN the morning. Laughter. And when
you have been keeping this sort of thing
up for two or three hours, and your little
velvethead intimated that nothing suited
him like exercise and noise, what did
you do ? You simply went on until you
| dropped in the last ditch. Laughter.
The idea that a baby doesn't amount to
anything! Why, one baby is Just house
and q front yard full by itself. One baby
canmnrnish more business than you and
your whole Interior Department can at
tend to. [Laughter. He is enterpris-
ing, irrepressible, brinful of 1awless
can't make him stay on the reservation.
Great shouts. Sufficient unto the day
is one baby. As long as you ire in your
right mind, don't you ever pray for
twins. Mr.. Clemens is the father of a
pair. Twins amount to a permanent
riot; and there isn't any real difference
between triplets and an insurrection.
| Uproarious shouts.
Yes, it was high time for toast to the
masses to recognize the Importance of the
babies. Think what is in store for the
present crop! Fifty years from now we
shall all be dead, trust laughter |, and
then this flag, if it still survive land
let us hope it may), will be floating over
a republic numbering 200 10000 souls,
| according to settled laws of our increase.
Our present schooner of state will have
grown into political leviathan-a Great
Eastern. The Graded babies of to-day
| will be on deck. Let them be well
| trained, for we are going to have big
contract on our hands. Among the
three or four million cradles now rocking
| in the land are some which this nation
| would preserve for ages as sacred things,
if we could only know which ones they
| are. In one of these cradles the uncon-
scious Farragut is now teething; think OF
| it, and putting in word of dead earnest,
inarticulated, but perfectly iustifable
profanity over it, too. In another the
! future renowned astronomer is blinking
at the shining milky way with but a
liquid interest, poor little chapi and
wondering what has become of that other
one they call the wet-nurse. In another
the future great historian is lying, and
doubtless will continue to lie Laughter
until his earthly mission is ended. In
another the future President is busying
/ himself with no profounder problem OF
4 state than what the mischief has become
of his hair SO early laughter and in q
mighty array of other cradles there are
now some &C, 600 future office-seekers
4 getting ready to furnish him occasion to