Stevens County tribune. (Morris, Minn.) 1877-1880, 1879-09-25
WIT AND HUMOR.
One out of a hundred--09.
Living in vein-The blood.


The last resort-A shoemaker's shop.
Old gentleman's wills-Brandy and
water.
Isn't our national anthem written In
| Amcrry-keeP
House flies are ''spec"ulatlng extern
sively i'll window-glass.
The dentists in convention agree to pull
together for another year.
Suspiclous-A sausage maker adver-
tiscs his wares as 'dog cheap"
Moses never had the govt. This was
one Of the missed aches of Moses.
No bald-headed man was ever convert
ed by sermon during the fly season.
Cali the worlds a stage" and all tho
men and women want to ride on top.
1t is no sign that hen meditates evil
to her owner simply because she lays for
him.
The man afraid OF tramps has tied up
his dog and put up a notice, 'Laborer
wanted"
An Eastern man advises his dlssolute
son to Ego West and run down with the
country"
There are d great many people who
will never go to heaven unless they can
90 at excursion rates.
Ninety and nine folks out of hundred
make mistake when they cut of dogs
tail. They preserve the wrong end.
There is a man in this city who has
been angry for thirty years on stretch.
1t is the worst case of standing choleE
that we ever knew.
s tombstone with simple cucumber
carved upon it is oftentimes more express
i've than one with ten thousand lines Of
obituary poetry.
The man who got into a barber chair,
pinned the newspaper around his neck
and began to read the towel may justly
be called absent-minded.
An Englishman OF the world, speaking
of LAYING a great many flowers on din
ner table, says: "No one can be fonder
of flowers than l AMIN their proper
place, but do not care about dining in
! dollhouse"
The Rev Mr. was called upon to
marry a man to his fourth wife. AS soon
as he approached the couple he said:
"Pfease to rise" The man wiggled
about in his chair NOR ent and finally
spoke: We've usually sot!"
"He had a frugal mind" Mourner
docking at gloves handed him by the
} undertaker): Look here, shan't wear
EN- at the ground. Couldn't you stand q
pair at slate colored instead?" Under
: taker: Very sorry, sir. but we never do
anything in 'mitigated!"
A park policeman, seeing vel ow dog
; near two handsomely dressed women, ap-
proaches respectfully and says: Does
: this beauchiful little creachure belong to
: you, ladies?" "Mercy, moi" Park police
man Qiftlng his cane)-Get out 90 here,
, you beast"
The baseball fever is raging in Rhode
Island. TIE only difficulty in playing
the game there is that the centre and
right tielders have to stand in Massachu-
sets and the left in Connecticut, while
the catcher is in constant danger of back
ing off into the Atlantic ocean.
The man that would kick another out
of his store or office for advising him
how to run his business can be seen after
working hours strolhng round toward the
printing office, filled full Of suggestions
to offer the editor, as to the proper meth
od Of conducting newspaper.
A Farmers Logic.-Farmer Giles: Re
, spect his theological opinions! Why,
5 look ere, mum! He was a-looking at that
there field of oats o mine the other day,
and he seq, seq he, THAT there's a nice
} lot o'young aohedt you've got, Mr.. Giles"
seq he! There's theological opinion for
: We!
Rev. Mr.. Pogson of Bridgeport is the
father of a boy who will probably dis.
tinguish himself. The evening before
the last circus in that city the reverend
gentleman was talking to his son about
the beauties of heaven, when the child
0 suddenly observed, papa, let's drop
e heaven and talk circus"
A Bridgeport girl got button in her
car some years ago, anu has had terrible
6 attacks Of headache since As no one
knew a button was in her ear, the excel
J lent idea of pushing button-hole into
the other ear did not occur to her friends,
and the button remained there until the
other day, when 1t fell out of its own &C
cord.
a "How came these holes in your ell
o bows4" said the widow Smith to the ire
. pressible small boy. "Oh, mother. hid
behind the sofa when little Jack Homer
was sayin' to our julie that he'd take her,
, even if you had to be thrown in; and he
, didn't know I was there, and so held in
: and laughed In my sleeves till burst
EN-"
A little squlnt-eyed Chicago boy pranc-
d up to his mother, and said: Una. halnH
been real good since I've begun goin' to
Sunday schoolg' Eyes, my lamb an
swered the maternal, fondly. "And YOU
trust nae now don't you, maj" "Yes.
darling" "Then," spoke up the little
t innocent, ''what makes you keep the
t cookies locked up in the drawer the same
as usual
New beauty (universed as yet in the
mysteries of high life) "Who's that
wonderful old gentleman9" The captain:
"Sir Digby de Rioby, Hampshire bar
onet; one ofthe oldest in England; James
the FiIst's creation, you know" New
beauty determined to be surprised at
nothing): "Indeedl How wei. presery-
ed ne is! shouldn't have thought him
more than seventy or eighty.
| He had just landed from three years.
whaling voyage and overcome by his ioy-
Jul reception found himself before the DO
lice court "Your HONOR he said plain
lively, I'm simple SAILOR, lowly born.'
Thirty days for the drunk, six months
tor plnaforing," was the ringing sentence.