Litchfield enquirer., 1879-06-05

A stand up collar, and setting hen,
 Are the joking stock of the paragraph men
 Bob Ingersoll fills his scoffers by featuring
 A promising young man is chary of hi promising.
 Letters must be wicked things. They're al ways indted.
 In Texas man who is shot is considered to have died natural death.
 The boy found bathing under a bridge was descended from pier.
 We warn boarders that meat pie is nothing but hash with an Asbestos roofing.
 A single breath of islander exercises more than whirlwind of praise.
 "There's music in the heir," said Jones' Jones had brand-new baby at his house.
 Hears cannot restore my wife, therefore ] weep,' was the inscription on a French tomb stone.
 If the barbed wire fence comes into general use where is the undecided politician to seat himself?
 It must have been great relief to the fence when Judge Davis got down off it and squat ted On one side.
 When two dogs meet and don't quarrel they simply concur. This joke is registered, and the author muZZled.
 The delicious strawberry has reached a price where it agrees better with the impecunious Bridgeport stomach.
 A book just published is entitled "Sayings and Doings of Great men," We notice that the Sayings" have large majority.
 The happiest moment in boys life is when he can smoke cigarettes in the presence of his paternal without endangering his life.
 The warm spring sun is clothing the face of nature with beautiful flowers To the face of a dog, however, it brings nothing but muz- gle.
 Ambitious young writer: "What magazine will give me the highest position quickest?" Sarcastic friend.--A powder magazine"
 A good many young men are using petrole- um for hair oil. It washes out of cloaks and dress fronts much easier than bears grease.
 When you hear a man say that he is perfect ly contented with hls lot, take him bY the shoul- der and lead him where he will not get run over.
 It is the general verdict of the boys not to measure the amount of dinner you put up, to take a-fishing by the way you feel when you put it up
 It is reported that all the Presidential can- didates from Ohio are to take the stump. Good gracious, there won't be stumps enough to go around.
 My lord, began pompous young barris- ter, ''it is written in the book of nature---" ''On what page, sir---on what page?" inter- rupted the judge, with pen in hand.
 We understand that those States in which the death penalty had been abolished, have re- vived it temporarily during the prevalence of 'Pina fore" quotations.
 An Irish crier at Ballinsloe being ordered to clear the court, did so by this announcement 5 ''Now, then, all ye blackguards that isn't law < yers must lave the court" g The man who denounces marriage as an in- stitution, is generally the person who thought he was getting rich widow and didnt---or else he is an idiot.
 It is to be regretted that the amendment providing for the payment of Congressmens salaries in BuZzard dollars was lost. That is the best use that dollar could be put to.
 Some of our weekly exchanges have ''do- mestic department" This must be hard de- partment to get up, if it is anything like our hired girl Tn the morning.
 It has been discovered that young men are more bashful in summer than in winter. You can'tget some chaps within fifty yards of girl during the ice-cream season.
 A young lady in the East-end ate half a wedding cake and then tried to dream of her future husband. Now she says that she would rather die than marry the man she saw in that dream.
 The finding of the body of drowned man in the reservoir from which town is supplied with drinking water will undo all the good work the temperance cause has accomplished in five years.
 At the close of the sermon the minister be- came impressive Raising his voice he said: Judgment! Judgment" and small boy near the vestbule door shouted: Out on the first!"
 MT. Howells says he saw an English family stop before Titian's John the Baptist" and heard the father sum up his impression in one sentence, Quite my idea of the party's char acter!'
 Charles White and Walter Fayerweather left Monday for two weeks jaunt at Lake VaduIauS. IHey say ble ltthe IS III a great state of agitation. It will quiet down when it sees these two anglers. --Dan6u.y Neaos.
 A painters apprentice fell off ascaffold with pot of paint in each hand. He was taken up. insensible, but as soon as restored to conscious ness he murlnured, ''I went down with flying colors, anyhow"
 Dr. Newman spoke, in a recent sermon, of ho cod fall Abel to the grave. An irreverent woman in the audience nudged her companion and whis- pered: "Not such a large procession but very select. None but the first families"
 A Western man constructed flying ma chine and organized stock company. At last accounts the inventor had not ''fiew," but the treasurer had---and this is about as much as the stockholders should ask of themachine
 'King Humbert," old Mr. Throstlewaite read from his paper, lis said to be very fond of Garibaldi." And it's none to his credit" sputtered Mrs. Throstlewate, ''that he is The King of Italy might have better taste than te be a-sitting on his royal throne guzzling and swilling spirituous liquors withfunny names |"
 Professor--W is monarchy9 Freshman A people governed by King. Professor Who would reign if the King should die Freshman---The Queen. Professor---And if the Queen should die? Freshman---The Jack. The proprietor of building site in Wiscon- sin advertises his land for sale in this wise: ''The town of Pooggis and surrounding coun- try is the most beautiful nature ever made. The scenery is celestial; also two wagons and a yoke of steers"
 The capacity of the stomach is only five pints, yet what large numbers of uncouth men are to be seen at the table every day shoveling food into their mouth with knife, as though they were loading nine hundred. ton vessel by contract.
 ''There is truth in my remarks" yelled out a scolding wife to her suffering husband, and he meekly answered, '1'll grant all the truth there is in your remarks if you will only put fewer remarks into your truth"
 Instructor Tn astronomy, "And now. young gentlemen; which of you can tell me the name