Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1879-01-31
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for President. What the people want is
man who can not be injured by investiga-
ton of his past history, so that enemies of
the party will not be able to rake up against
him things that nobody ever heard Of be-
fore If you know the worst about can
d1date, to begin with, every attempt to
spring things on him will be check mated.
Now / am going to enter upon the field
with an oren record. am going to own
I'D in advance to all the wickedness have
done. and if any congressional committee
is disposed to prowl around my biography,
in the hope Of finding any daring and
deadly deed which have secreted, why,
let it prowl.
In the first place, 1 admit that I did
freeze rheumatic grandfather of mine in
the winter of 1859. He was old and mex
pert at climbing trees. But with heart
less brutality that is characteristic OF me-
I ran him out of the front door in his
night shirt, at the point of a shotgun and
caused him to bowl up maple tree. where
he remained all night, while l emptied
shot in his legs. did this because he snor-
ed. will do it again if [ have another
grandfather. 1 am as inhuman now as /
was in 1859. No rheumatic person shall
snore in my house.
1 candidly acknowledge that ran away
at the battle of Gettysburg. Ny friends
have tried to smooth this fact by assert
ing that merely got behind tree, that
I did so for the purpose OF Initiating
Washington, who went into the woods at
Valley Forge to say his prayers. 1t is a
miserable subterfuge. / struck out in a
straight line for the Tropic Of Cancer,
simply because was scared. l wanted
my country saved, but 1 preferred to have
some one else to save her. entertain that
idea vet. If the bubble Of reputation can
be obtained only at the lannon's mouth, l
am willing to 60 there for it, provided the
cannon is empty. fit is loaded my immor-
tai and infexible purpose is to get over the
fence and 90 home. My invariable pur
pose in war has been to bring out two
thirds more men than I took in. This
seems to me to be Napoleonic in its gran
deur.
Ny financial views are of the most deci-
ded character. but they are not likely, per-
haps, to increase my popularity with the
advocates of imitation or contraction. l
do not insist upon special supremacy of
rag money. The great fundamental prin-
ciple of my life is to take any kind l can
get.
The rumor that buried dead aunt
under grape vine is founded upon fact.
The vine needed fertilizing. my aunt had
to be buried, and dedicated her to that
purpose. Does that unfit me for the pres
idency? The constitution of our country
does not say so. No other citizen was con-
sidered unworthy of office because he en-
riched his grape vine with his relations.
Why should I be selected as the first vic
tim of an absurd prejudice?
[ admit, also, that [ am not friend to
the poor man. 1 regard the poor man, in
his present condition, as so much wasted
raw material. Cut up and properly can
ned. he might be made useful to fatten the
natives of Canibal Islands, and improve our
exports in that region. shall recommend
legislation upon the subject in my first
message. My campaigncry will be to desc
crate the poor workingman! Stuff him
into sausages!
These are about the worst parts of my
record. On them come before the coun-
try. If my country don't want me, viii !
20 back again. But 1 recommend myself
as a safe mana man who starts from the
basis of total depravity, and proposes to
fendish to the last.
A YOUNG GIRLS OBrUsENEss.--
young man and his favorite companion sat
near the front at Burdette's lecture the
other evening" When the Hawk-sye man
had just finished convulsing his hearers
with an account Of youths first shaving
encounter with a barber, the young man
leaned over and whispered:
"That's true to life, can tell you"
How can you tell me?" inquired his
girl.
ssHow?" he replied in whisper; ''why,
that's just the way felt when first got
shaved
''When was that?" she asked.
''Oh, before raised my mustache,' be
returned.
What mustache % she queried a little
surprised.
what mustache do you Supposed he
retorted, turning red.
why, Charley whispered the girl. 81
never saw any mustache. Do you mean"
ssNever mind what / mean,'' Kissed the
Young man between his clinched teeth.
And he stared very hard at the lecturer
all the rest of the evening. but somehow
couldn't see anything to laugh at. Sun
day night he went to see new girl.
a man may be ever so strong, and
brave, and self. reliant, but when the rear
button comes off his shirt band, and bis
collar insists upon climbing up and sitting
on top of his coat he feels that his happi-
ness, his every hope Of comfort in this
life, is in the hands Of some woman.
A Young man at social gathering at
Milwaukee recently got into trouble with
another gentleman, whose sweetheart he
monopolized; and when he tearfully ex-
n,asned that be had known her for thirty
five years. she took hand in and nearly
scalped him.
Homes 1who has been to the 'club" until
M.E"Mary, wasser use keeping light
for me. anyway P" Mary-''Because, Hen
w Won know that while the lamp holds
ont TO burn, the yilest sinner may return. >
ZONES kept better hours for the next weeA