The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-01-23

In Dan rrduclsco hangs Inc Sign OF D
Chinese washerman which reads thus
Washing and Ironing by Wa Shing."
"You must be a quarrelsome fellow"
said a. phrenologist to a man whose
bumps he was examining. "Say that
again, and I'll knock you down p was the
response.
A police officer in New Haven has been
fined two days pay for taking off one of
his boots and going to sleep. Will a po-
liceman ever learn to never pull off his
boots until after he has got asleep?
Solomon was one of the best paragraph
ers of his day. but he must have received
double the amount of salary of paragraph
ers of the present day, or he never could
have supported seven hundred wives offit.
spell cat said little girl of FIVE
years to a smaller one of three. II can't"
was the reply. "Well, then" said the
youthful mistress, "If you can't spell
cat spell kitten
If you pick a paragrapher up for fool,
simply because he writes foolish things,
and printer for a saint, simply because
he sets up hymn-books, you'll get most
terribly fooled in both instances.
Guests in the hotels in New York are
not allowed to mash bedbugs on the
walls, but must get 'em on the floor and
choke em to death and ring for the por-
ter to draw off the carcass.
A joker says that it is all nonsense to
say that lightning never strikes twice in
the same place Every time the Jersey
kind comes within reach it never misses
him.
A young man in this city is said to
have visited his sweetheart forty times in
wonder where he got his living before he
met his daughter. He must have met
some other mans daughter.
In Mobile a man seized dictionary to
settle dispute about a word and was
shot through the heart by pistol lying
on the book "Its dangerous to be safe
when even the dictionaries have to 60
armed.
At a parting at the Chicago railroad
station-"Do not forget me, nor cease to
love me-" murmured the husband.
Never, neverl" sobbed the wife, and
she pulled out handkerchief and tied
knot in it, that ahe might remember.
Rabbi Joshua once met boy who car
ried something in covered vessel. "My
boy, said the rabbi, what have you in
your covered vessel p "If it was in
tended for you to know" replied the
boy, lit would not be covered"
Talleyrand once complained that the
English had thirty nine religions and
only one sauce, which evoked the retort
from witty Englishman, "And the
French have thirty-nine sauces and no
religion.
A bright little Shoreham boy, who had
been engaged in combat with another
boy, was reproved by his aunt, who told
him he ought always to wait until the
other boy pitched upon him" well"
explained the young belligerent, "but if
wait for the other boy to begin I'm
| fraid there won't be any fight"
When Johnny was questioned as to
why his engagement with Miss Fl had
been broken off, he rolled his eyes, look
ed very panied, and groaned, "Ohl she
turned out deceiver." But he forgot
to state who the deceiver was.
The question whether the top of car
riage wheel goes faster than the bottom
is again creating discussion among scien-
tific men. When they get tired of the
subject we know felloe from the Hub"
that will be a final spokesman.
preacher in Kentucky the other
Sunday, becoming exasperated, paused
in his discourse to say: Ladies if you
will give me your attention 1 will keep a
lookout on that door, and if anythin &
worse than man enters l will warn you
in time to m axe your escape
What is your name ?" asked teacher
of boy. MY names JULIE" was the
reply; whereupon the teacher impress
lively said: You should have said julius,
sir. And now, my lad," turning to an
other boy what is your name p BILL
ious, sir"
Sausage bees are now the fashion in
Kentucky, the young men and maidens
gathering to grind neighbor's scrap
| pork into usagemeat. Such "bees''
may be very enjoyable and refreshing,
but for "linked sweetness long drawn
out" the game of Copenhagen at a
grown-up Sunday-school picnic knocks
the stuffiing out of EN-, as the poet saws.
This is the period of the year when the
editor of country weekly paper an
nounces, that "in accordance with Gus
| tom will not issue a paper next week, in
order that our employees may celebrate
New Years" Why the country printer
should require six days to celebrate New
Years is an unanswerable conundrum
1t is a Typographical error" that should
be corrected.
A man once offered to bet that he
could prove that this side of the river
was the other side. His challenge was
accepted, and pointing to the opposite
shore of the river he asked-"Is not that
one side of the river ?" "Yes," was the
answer, of course. Agreed" said the
man; "and is not this the other side p
Certainly" said the other Then"
said the man, pay me the wager, for by
your own confession have proved that
this side of the river is the other side !"
The dumb-founded antagonist, overcome
by this profound logic, Immediately paid
the money.
| The little folks wanted the head of the
family to spend the evening with them.
Father said he thought of attending
meeting. Various measures were dis
cussed for keeping father at home, when
Tommy, aged 5, addressed his brother,
aged 7, as follows: "In tell you what
we'll do Well put sign on the front