The Middlebury register. [volume] (Middlebury, Vt.) 1850-1882, 1879-11-21
MARK TWAIN on BABIES.

quct of the Army of the Tennessee wer
in response to the following toast:
The babies: As they comfort us il
our sorrows, let us not forget them il
our festivities.
Now, that's something like. w
haven't all had the good fortune to b
ladies'; we haven't all betn generals, O
poets, or statesmen; but when the toas
works down to babies, we stand OF
common ground-for we've all bee
babies. 1t is shame that for thous
and years the worlds banquets hav
utterly ignored the baby as if he didn'
amount to anything! 1t you, gentle
men, will stop and think minute i
you will go back fifty or a hundred
years, TO your early married life, ant
recontemplate your first baby, you vii
1 remember that he amounted to a goot
deal-and even something over.
You soldiers all know that when tha
little fellow arrived at family headquar
tcrs you had to hand in your resigna
ton. lie took entire command. Yor
became his lackey, his mere bodyguard
and you had to stand around too. lie
was not commander who made al
lowances for time, distance, weather oil
anything else; you had to execute hi:
order whether it was possible or not
And there was only one form OF
marching in his manual of tactics, and
that was the double quick. lie treated
you with every sort of insolence and
disrespect, and the bravest of you didn'l
dare to say word. You could face
the death storm of Donelson and
Vicksburg, and give back blow foi
blow; but when he clawed your whis.
kers, and pulled your hair, and twisted
your nose, you had to take it. When
the thunders of war sounded in your
ears, you set your faces toward the
batteries and advanced with steady
tread but when he turned on the ter.
ror of his war-whoop you advanced. IN
the other direction, and mighty glad OF
the chance, too. When he called fol
soothing syrup, did you venture to
throw out any side remarks about Ger.
tain services being uubecoming an off.
Ger and a gentleman? No, you got w
and got it! If he ordered his pap bot.
tie, and it wasn't warm, did you talk
back? Not you; you went TO work
and warmed it. You even descended
so far in your menial Office as to take q
suck at that warm, insipid stuff your
self to see if it was right three parts
water to one of milk, touch of sugar
to modify the collie, and a drop of pep
permint to kill those immortal hic-
coughs. | can taste that stuff yet!
And how many things You learned as
you went along! Sentimental young
folks still took stock in that beautiful
old saying that when the baby smiles
in its sleep it is because the angels are
whispering to him. Very pretty, but
''too thin"-simply wind on the stom-
ach, my friends. If the baby proposes
to take walk at his usual hour half
past two in the morning-didnt you
rise up promptly and remark with a
mental addition which wouldn't i'm
prove Sunday school much) that that
was the very thing you was about to
propose yourself? Oh, you were under
good discipline. And us you went flut.
tering up and down the room in your
"uhdress uniform" you not only pratt
tie undigniied baby talk, but even
tuned up your martial voices and tried
to sing "Rock-a-by-baby on the tree
top" for instance, What a spectacle
for an army of the Tennessee! And
what an afiliction for the neighbors,
too, for it isn't everybody within mile
around that likes military music at
three i'll the morning. And when you
had been keeping this sort of thing up
for two or three hours, and your little
velvet head intimated that nothing suit
ed him like exercise and noise, and pro-
posed to fight it out on that line if it
took all night-"Go on!" What did you
do? You simply went on till you
dropped in the last ditch.
| like the idea that a baby dosen't
amount to anything. Why, one baby
is just house and front yard full by
itself; one baby can furnish more bust
ness than you and your whole interior
department can attend to; he is enter.
prising, irrepressible, brimful of law.
less activities-do what you please you
can't make him stay OH the reservation
Sufficient unto the day is one baby
! AS long as you are in your right mind
don't you ever pray for twins. Twin:
amount to permanent riot; and there
amt any real difference between trip
lets and an insurrection.
| Among the three or four million era
dies now rocking in the land are some
which this nation would preserve fol
ages as sacred things if we could know
which ones they are. For in one o
these cradles the unconscious Farragu
of the future is at this moment teething
Think of it! and putting in a word o
dead earnest, unarticulated, but per
fectly justifiable, profanity over it, too
in another the future renowned astron
omer is blinking at the shining Milky
Way, with but languid interest, poo
little chap, and wondering what has be
come of that other one they call tn,
wet nurse; in another, the future grea
historian is lying, and doubtless he will
continue to lie till his earthly mission
is ended; in another, the future presi
dent is Dusying himself with no pro
founding problem ofstate than what tn,
mischief has become ofhis hair so early
and in mighty array OF other cradles
there are now some 60, 900 office seeker
getting ready TO furnish him occasion
to grapple with that same old problem
a second time And in still one NOR
cradle, somewhere under the flag, tn
future illustrious commandments O
the American armies is so little burden
ed with his approaching grandeur anC
responsibilities as TO be giving hi
whole strategic mind, atthis moment,u .
trying to find out some way TO get hi
own big toe into his mouth-an achieve
ment which (meaning no disrespect
the illustrious guest of this evening ais
turned his attention to some fiity-si,
years agol And if the child is but tn,
prophecy of the man there are might
few will doubt that he succeeded.