The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-01-02
WHOLE NO. 1915.
Miscellaneous.

Titus took Jerusalem A. D. 70, but
who in thunder took our umbrella De-
cember 10, 1872
The mouth-an instrument for render
ing ideas audible, and of rendering vict-
uals invisible.
The importer is said to owe duty to
his country. Ahem yes; which his Gus
toners have to pay.
Ladies who use an excess of perfume
must think men are like seals-most as
sailable at the nose.
A very small boy wants to know if Or
anges cost four cents a piece, how much
a whole one would cost
As the day breaks every twenty-four
hours, why don't we see some of the frag-
ments lying around loose?
door at Boston, by the sexton, during the
absence of the pastor.
Don't despise a printer because he
wears ragged cardigan. He may do it
for effect, and an increase of salary.
The terrible goat prefers show bills to
times called the bill-ey goat.
The man who went into a Quaker
meeting with hammer to break the 81
lence was bound over to keep the piece.
The New York Sun says there are
10000 men in New York who cannot
write" A good many of them are edi-
tors.
Every mans roof covers little corner
of Paradise, unless the baby has the collie,
in which case the climate changes.
There is no mistaking real gentle
man. When he approaches free lunch
table he always wants napkin and a
chair.
The great talker cannot be suppressed.
He tells all he knows in q minute, and
then tries to tell what other people
know.
A scientific man has discovered that
blue stockings contain poison. People
cannot be too careful about what they
eat nowadays.
II jes tole ye, Mis- Anduson, dis ep-
pumdimmy wuz hard on de culled folk.
Dere wuz mo- fussin, and mo- nussin,'
IL
a second Sockem an Tomorrer. You
heath me? ?''
Hunting for bean in charity soup is
very much like skirmishing for little
slick piece of soap in full bath.tub. It
is there, but you don t kin got s.e!s
A physician, finding a lady reading
Twelfth Night" said: when Shaks,
peare wrote about Patience on a monu.
ment, did he mean doctors patients2'
NO." she answered: "you don't find
them on monuments, but under them"
A fellow would rather be unhealthy
than to wear red flannel chest protector
that would creep up around his paper
collar and make him look as if he had
cut his throat with buck saw.
We've lots of brains in our family"
modestly remarked prominent journal
ist and lecturer. Have you got a clue
to emp" sleepily inquired reporter,
who had just finished writing up his
Stewart report.
Now that the patent has run out on
nearly all styles of sewing machines, if
some smart fellow would invent ma
chine to collect rents, mend manners,
and repair family breeches, wouldn't it
be in demand, thought
Mr.. Bentley has been indicted in Ala
bama for severely wounding stranger
with an axe, alleging as a reason that
"he didn't know but the stranger was
robber." He didn't know, and SO he
axed him, we suppose.
The wise man who writeth to the news
papers for information for his own be-
hoof, encloseth postage stamp for re-
ply, and is informed; but the fool dis
cerneth not the value of governmental
adhesive plaster, and remaineth in dark
ness.
A woman Down East" sent to borrow
her neighbor's twin babies for few mo-
ments, and when asked what she wanted
them for. replied that she wanted EN- to
suck off new bottle, because it made
her own baby sick to taste fresh India
rubber"
A chap was blowing the other day, be-
cause he has patented process for turn
ing turnips into wine. If he had patent
ed some kind of scarecrow that would
make rumsellers pause when they are
about to turn nips into men, he would
When some one was lamenting Foote'S
unlucky fate in being kicked in Dublin.
johnson said he was glad of it. HE is
rising in the world" added he; when
he was in England no one thought it
worth while to kick him Ex. If
Foote had heard johnson make use of
such an expression, he might make him
do some tall doublin'.
western paper gives as the last "con-
fidence" dodge an account of the pre-
tended suicide at hotelof well-dressed
young man, who, after writing to the
landlord that he has taken poison, re-
ceives the consultations of clergyman,
the stomach-pump of doctor, $25 from
sympathizing friends, and then leaves on
the first train to lie at the point OF death
somewhere else.
"Above all things in this world" said
a youth who stands on street corners for
a living, "do 1 value the love of my dear
mother" "God bless you, young man,
for those noble sentiments" said a mis-
sionary Having 80 much respect and.
love for mother, you need no other re-
commendation to successful men who
will, aid you" "Yes," continued the
young man, mother feeds me, clothes
me, does my washing. and has been doing
it for twenty-five years. l don't know
what 1 should do without her"
Do good and leave behind you monu-
ment of virtue that the storm of time
can never destroy. Write your name in
kindness, love and mercy on the hearts
of the thusands you come in contact with
xJno hxyx h