Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1879-02-24
The days of the month are numbered.


Mosquitoes have retired from business
only to recuperate for the coming season.
When the collection box threatens. an
audience would sooner disperse than
dis-purse.
A Michigan farmer writes to the fac
ulty of Yale: "What are your terms for
a year? And does it cost anything extra
if my son wants to learn to read and
write as we'll as row boat?
Girls, as you value your lives, don't
get up and get breakfast in the morning.
A young lady in Chicago attempted it
the other day, and was burned to death.
Show this to your mamma.
"You told me, sir, that the horse was
entirely without fault, and yet he is
blind" The dealer looked blandly into
the irr1tated countenance of the loser by
the transaction and said, with charming
naiivete, 81 do not regard blindness as
fault, sir; it is a misfortune"
A preacher in Kentucky the other
Sunday, becoming exasperated, paused
in his discourse to say: "Ladies and
gentlemen. if you will give me your close
attention l will keep lookout on that
door, and if anything worse than man
enters l will warn you in time to make
your escape"
"Are you engaged ?" said gentleman
to a young lady at ball the other even
ing 81 was, but if that Pete johnson
thinks I'm going to sit here and see him
squeeze that freckled face Wilkins girls
hand all the evening he'll be mistaken,
solitaire or no solitaire!" The gentleman
explained and went out to get air.
A young newspaper reporter penned a
paragraph on a snowfall as follows
"The angels rustled their wings at the
hour when Aurora goes forth to fulfil
her mission. and the earth was covered
with feecy mantle of white" He
thought it was very nice. but the unim.
aginative editor quietly dropped it into
the waste basket, and wrote in place Of
it, "Snow fell this morning"
DR.. Abernethy did not like to be dis
turbed in the night. Once when he hac
gone to bed at one in the morning in ;
very bad humor, because he had beer
woke up at midnight. he heard his bel
ring. "What is it? ?" he exclaimed an
grily. "Oh doctor, doctor; quick
quick; my son has just swallowed {
mouse "Very well, tell him to swal
low cat, and leave me in qulet!' saic
the doctor, going to bed again.
A learned clergyman in the State o
Maine was accosted in the following man
ner by an illiterate preacher, who de
spised education: "Sir, you have bee
to college, suppose 2" "Yes, sir" wa
the reply. 81 am thankful" rejoine
the former, "that the Lord has opene
my mouth to preach without any learn
= ing" "A similar event." replied tn
clergyman, "toOk place in Balaam'
time, but such things are of rare occur
renee in the present day."
A class in the Baptist village (HoI
yoke) school was up for recitation i
) spelling and defining. The teacher wrot
the letters sew on the blackboard an
D asked the class how the word should
8 used. "To sew with needle and thread.
was the correct reply. Sow was th
next variation. and the answer VIZ
o prompt, ITO sow grain in the field.
The teacher then wrote SO and aske
d what that so meant. The class hesitate,
n Then small girl near the end of ii
class answered, "It's what we say whe
we want the old cow to stand still.'