Smyrna times., 1879-07-02
Mark Twain as a Presidential Can
didate.


This is the way in which Mark Twain
once announced himself as a candidate for
President:
" have pretty much made up my mind
to run for President. What the country
wants is a candidate who cannot be injured
by investigation of his past history, so that
the enemies of the party will be unable to
rake up anything against him that nobody
ever heard of before. If you know the
worst about q candidate, to begin with,
every attempt to spring things on him will
be checkmated. Now l am going to enter
the field with an open record. l am going
to own up in advance to all the wickedness
l have done, and if any Congressional com.
mittee is disposed to prowl around my
biography in the hope of discovering any
dark and deadly deed that have secreted,
why-let it prowl.
" In the first place, admit that treed
a rheumatic grandfather of mine in the
Winter of 1850. He was old and inexpert
in climbing trees, but with the heartless
brutality that is characteristic of me l ran
him out of the front door in his night.shirt
at the point OF shotgun, and caused him
to bowl up maple tree, where he remained
all night while | emptied shot into his legs
| did this because he snored. l will do it
again if [ ever have another grandfather.
am as inhuman now as l was in 1850. l
candldly acknowledge that ran away at the
battle of Gettysburg. My friends have
tried to smooth over this fact by asserting
that did so for the purpose of initiating
Washington, who went into the woods at
Valley Forge for the purpose of saying his
prayers. 1t was {! miserable subterfuge.
struck out in a straight line for the Tropic of
| Cancer bqnanCa | maC caoraA I to1 NV
country saved, but l preferred to have
somebody else save it. l entertain that
preference yet. If the bubble reputation
can be obtained only at the cannon's mouth,
am willing to go there for it provided the
cannon is empty. If it is loaded my i'm
mortal and inAexable purpose is to get over
the fence and 60 home. My invariable
practice in war has been to bring out o.
every fight two-thirds more men than wher
l went in. This seems to me to be Napo
leonic in its granduer.
"My financial views are of the most de
cided character, but, they are not likely
perhaps, to increase my popularity with thu
advocates of initiation. l do not insist upoI
the special supremacy of rag money O
hard money. The great fundamental prin
ciple of my life is to take any kind l cal
get.
1.-The rumor that | buried a dead aun
under my grapevine was correct. The vim
needed tertili2ing, my aunt had to be buried
and dedicated her to this high purpose
Does that unfit me for the presidency? Tn
+ Constitution of our country does not say SO
No other citizen was ever considered III
. worthy of this Office because he enriche,
i his grapevines with his dead relative,
Q Why should be selected as the first victir
of an absurd prejudice?
u " admit also that am not a friend {
II the poor man. regard the poor man, i
n his present condition, as so much waste
k raw material. Cut and properly canned, h
!; might be made useful to fatten the native
d of the cannible islands and to improve OF
e export trade with that region. l sha
% recommend legislation on the subject in m
e first message. My campaign cry will be
a 'Desiccate the poor workingmen; stu
q them into sausages.
1T "These are about the worst parts of II
le record. On them ! come before the cou
try. If my country don't want me, W
y, 60 back again. But l recommend myse
1T as safe mana man who starts from Il
to basis of total depravi!y and proposes to
m fendish to the last