Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1879-05-22

HUni0r.

Hum0r.
Why can you never expect fisher
man to be generous Because his bust
ness makes him sell fish
ooh, see that my grave is kept green,
darling" She did. She bought seven
pounds of Paris green, and planted it
three inches thick.
A woman can't put on any side-saddle
style when she goes in a-swimming. She
has either got kick out like man or
get drowned.
A small boy in the parlor where a
dry goods clerk is sparkling the boys big
sister, will make the course of true
love rougher than riding in a lumber
wagon.
"Well;" remarked a bar-rCom philos-
opher during the progress of scorch-
ing sun spot, "whenI can't get cool any
other way, l go home and have a breeze
with my wife,"
Why, hello! Here's our good old
friend Stanley Matthews in the "Stal-
wart" camp. Why, Stan, old fellow,
how are you? Shake.-B,srl5ngtora Ha'0k-
eye.
Some one overheard David Davis
pray the other night. The burden of
the prayer was: "Oh, Lord, derrick
me back on the fence" -BuIngton
HaWkeye.
Good morning, Mr.. Brown, you're
first at last; you used to be behind be-
fore, but [ notice you have been getting
early of late.'
An Albany woman woke her hus-
band during storm the other night,
and said; " [ do wish you would stop
snoring, for | want to hear it thunder"
"Why, Willie" sid his mother,
you can't possibly eat another plate of
pudding, can your" Cob! yes, can,
Ma. One more plate will Just fill the
Bill.
"Well, miss" said knight Of the
birch rod, can you decline kiss ?"
" Yes, sir" said the girl dropping a per-
picked courtesy, q can; but hate to
most plaguily."
An exchange strikes the nail fairly on
the head: Never go where you are
not wanted! If man wants you to
come TO his place of business he will
invite you through an advertisement.
Ii is wrong to intrude on privacy"
Adam never smoked. Eve said she
wasn't going to have the lace curtains
spoiled by the nasty old smoke, and he
didn't dare to go in the wood-shed for
fear he'd set something afire.
A gentleman noticing that his wife's
bonnets grew smaller and smaller, and
the bills larger and larger, calmly said,
/" l suppose this thing will go on until
the milliner will send nothing but the
BILL"
Miss Sarah L. Stocking is lecturing
in indianapolis, under the auspices Of
the ladies of Plymouth Church, Brook
Ign. The real nice young people Of
indianapolis speak of going to hear
Miss Hose.-Deacon Richard Sneith.
"Sambo, what's yer up to nova
days" cob! Use carpenter and
jiner." "Ho! guess yer is is. What
department does yer perform. Sambo?"
" What departmental does de circu-
lar work" What's dat?" "Why, [
turns de grindstone. "-Binghanato,s Re
publican.
The following effusion is as accurate
in fact as it is in rhyme:
The mao who knows himself is true
Who best knows what he ought TO do,
Who gets away with lfeS best prizes,
Is simply he who advertses.
Every now and then some chap
writes to newspaper for q recipe to
prevent hair from coming out. If men
would go home from the lodge before
midnight, with their legs sober, their
hair wouldn't come out so rapidly. We
always go home early, and we have
more hair now than the day we were
born.
A gentleman, being threatened with
an infectious fever, said to his little son,
embrace him, "You mustn't hug me;
you'll catch the fever" Willie, stand
ing back, looked in Amusement upon
his papa, who, by the way, is a pattern
of proprlety, and quickly asked, "Why,
papa, who did you hug?"
One day DR.. Whately was walking
with a young officer of artillery who was
allied to him in blood, when the latter
propounded the following riddle: ''What
is the difference between a donkey and
an archbishop" Whately gave 1t up,
and received the following reply: "The
one carries his cross behind, and the
other before, referring to the marks of
the cross on the backs of the domestic
ass and on the apron of an archbishop.
Every good, indeed, laughed Whately.
"And now can you tell me the differ
ence between donkey and
a captain of artillery" mo, indeed |
cannot" replied the officer. There is
none whatever" rejoined the archbisb-