The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1879-05-10
Some Tales of White Ele.
plants.
BY JAMES PAWN.

IL as us opinion and bis OPT MON IS WDaI
people give pounds and pounds for-that it
Is great mistake to be much respected"
His experience is, he SAYS. that most persons
who have been thus designated are dead;
and that the rest suffer from their good rnpu
tations. He has himself often succored the
widow and orphan, free, gratis, for nothing;
and When the orphans have grown up they
are apt TO oe grateful. They send presents
to their valued and much respected iriend,"
from the utermost ends of the earth, which
is what he objects to, even when they pay
the carriage.
And true it is, it often happens (even in
this country that present is misfortune
TO one. For example, 1 am myself poor
man, and rich friend sends me haunch OF
venson. My arder is not big enough for it
to hang in, my kitchen-rapge is not large
enough to cook it, and it has to lodge and
even to board out (for it requires flour and
all sorts of APPLICATIONS daily; thus it costs as
much as a leg of mutton to begin with.
Then am obliged to ask ten people to eat it,
the expense of which entertainment reduces
no wish TO impoverish me, but the effect OF
his munifcence is similar to that of
the present OF the white elephant
which the King OF Sam gives TO
those whom he intends to rain; its meat,
drink and clothing ('or they supply its trunk,
OF course), eats them out pf house and home
Or, suppose am rich man and poor
one sends me, as friendships offrriug, some
ornament for my drawng-room, which is
very tasteiully aud eiegsntly furnished; what
the deuce am to do with II? II it is really
handsome feel that have robbed him; if it
is otherwise, though Que does not prize gilt
according 10 its cost, it spoils MY drawing
room By its contrast with what is already
there.
Again, there are a lot of people in the world
who are always giving one presents W hlch
are worthless. They remember oue's birth
day, and ones marriage day, and the ami
veTsary OF the day one was appointed re-
visiug barrister. or the CHAPLAIN TO a lunatc
asylum. They think it very touching 10 Call
to mind these interesting dates by The gilt ot
a paper-kb te, OF box OF tooth picks, or
volume of Tuq per Potms For my part, l
would much rather compound" for all thrse
subscriptions, as is done in he luns Of Court
and that they gave me e5 note, and had
done with them.
There is still more troublesome sort of
PROFESSIONALLY very weathy-wbo insist
upon paying your fare for you when YOU
travel with them upon the Underground, or
on defIayiDg the turnpike toll when you
drive over BRUCE; but to get ass noie out
of them in the way of composition or any
the most sangune.
Then there are some excellent persons who
insist upon providing US with some spec
mems Oh their own particular productions;
what they have themselves invented, con-
cocted, or made captive to their own bow
and spear; and which in nine cases out of
ten aud independently of the obligation in
CURED, one would infinitely rather be with
out.
Your friend, the amateur author, for ex-
ample, sends you presentation copy of his
first novel in three volumes. New, what
are you TO do with that2 OF course if you
are prepared to read it, l have nothing fur
lher TO say; but suppose you shrink from
proceeding to that dread extremity; you
have in that case to sit down and write
quickly that you have received his most
thoughtful present, which will indeed be
highly prizedpand that you are Stocking for
ward with the greatest eagerness" to its pc
rusal. But if you think that will satisfy him
except for the moment, you are very much
mistaken. He will be sure to inquire your
opinion sooner or later, about that immortal
work, and then be on your guard for fatal to
your friendship with him will be the moment
when he ELECTS the truth. Above all things,
cut the book-I mean with the paper-kniie-
on the instant of its arrival; no eulugv, how
ever vague or skilltu, will avail you if he
discover that this precaution has not been
taken.
Inc most terrible present, however, have
ever received was from the West Indies. Ii
came from an orphan who hadIgieatly pros
pered la the world, and who, tniuking him
sell TO be under great obligations TO me, must
have wished to pay them of at swCop He
sent me- packing case OF goods so arge that
it might have COME from the sWest Iudies
talone like the Cleopatra N-tdle) without
beng shipped at all. For sume reason Ut
known 10 me tit was too large, perhaps. %
be got out OF the gates it was stopped and
opened at the docks, tb- authorities OF which
senl me the following Official Memorandum !:
"'Several articles have been consigned to
you from ST. Kits, w. l., which await here
your esteemed orders; they comprise a cask
(large( of plne apples, aud three live turtle,
one of them dead Another seems to be in
All ai.ing state. We would recommend your
sending for the above. The DICK dues are as
pei inciosed.'
"The last item was very considerable; but
lone must not Thought y look gift cask 10
II the bunghole; and them the turtle at
guinea pint would pay their own expenses
and those OF the pineapple, LOO. 1 was par
tlal to turtle and also 10 pine apple, and the
notion of 'the Whole amman being nslgned
to me III one case, aud OF cask (large) in the
IL was only in accordance with the fitness OF
things that man like me should be supplied
with such daInties wholesale.
II lei my cileuts run loose that morsing
and took hanson 10 the docks m1 self 10 Or
der to Inspect my property. l bad some diff
cuity in findng il by-tDe-by when [ reached
the docks; 1t is Bos only he law, let me tell
yon, which IS hedged about with forms and
technlcaiites, aud r.qunes lubrIca'ion-gold-
Gu ointment-tor It's wheels. However, [
loud It al last; pc ton of it-the dead tur-
tie could have id-otiied it at some dis
lance. No. 2 had also died by that time but
was comparatively uesb, though of ,t,rse
uueatab'e. The third turtle was he most d.
m'nutlve OF its kiud l ever saw III my life.
Even al guinea plot l didn't think its
soup could have peeu woi tn more than seven
aud-slxpence 1t was more like one of those
tortoses that are sold in the streets for niue
peuce apiece. However, thouph small
thing, IL was my own, and brought it 10 my
office 10 the hanson, on ny lap, to the aston
ishment OF the nelghborhood. which is legal.
"rhe pr e-appes directed to be sent home
by paictls delivery, bat the clerk of the docks
said, Not il, it'll have to go by van : and it
was certainly Verv large cask. At five shil-
lings a pineapple u reckoned, roughly, its
contents would about deiray the dock dues.
ut is customary with persons of my pro-
TESS on to talk darkly about their office Sc
crets. You have no dea,' they say, what
strange things come under our professional
eye But never had anythieg in my Office
which exc ted greater smszemt nj than that
turtle, especially among the junior clerks.
Some supposed it to be household PCT which
l could not bear out OF my sight, and which
l ,hould bring with me to business every day:
Others that bad Iaken it ID liquidation of a
bad debt from a house in the West Iudia
trade. lady Glen, III delicate SITUATION,
VIII came to consult me upon a succession
case, was seriously alarmed by the quadruped
winch had placed for security in the waste
paper basket-so much so, indeed, that The
sue esslob to k subsequently quite new d.
r-ctiOn Altogether was Injured in nv pro-
fessioDal character by that animal, which.
moreover, died in the basket
- However, thank heaven thought 1,
Though, as il turned out, was acknowledg-
ing an obligation quite unnecessarily, there
are still those pibe-apples.'
''The door was opened to me at home that
evening by policeman.
Why are you here?' inquired Where
is John?'
"'John is gone to the hospital, SIR he re-
piled. being as fixed 1 don't know what
tbey call it,