Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1879-06-12
FUNNYGRAPHS.

NEVER make uXQC VI 1duteIu-JAWeu
man.
The fattest hog has the most winning
weigh Utica Observer.
How to get up spring meeting-Put
two fat men in light buggy.
HOPE is the sugar coating on the pill
of life.- Whitehall Times.
CAVALRY officers first charges
military tailars' and outfitters'.
IT is never too late to mend. Even
+ho devil has his darniDg needle.
REQUIEsCAT in space as the mulo
said when he kicked a man up into the
clouds.
A MAN in Utica has been detected in
the act of translating Pinafore into
Welsh.
NEITHER the lightning nor the blind
mule respects distinctions of worldly
rank.
"G1vEN up by the doctors" All hope
of collecting more than one.third of their
bills.
A STOCK speculator feels better when
he gets Comstock lode off his mind.-
Ncao Orleans Picayune.
The soul that is in earnest will not
stop to count the cost. 1t is the same
way with hen.-Neao Orleans Psc.zyune.
ONE of the female archery club we
read about was when Ruth was cut in
the field with her Boas and harrows.
The college boat races have begun,
and We shall now see the result of the
winters hard study.-Boston Transcript.
A WRITER having spoken of ga
charming young lady of Gig hteen
springs" a punster suggests, probably
her name is Sofy."
CHANG up your 'phone," is the new
est slang of the times, for which we are
indebted to the Bell telephone. The
reply is, Wait till l strike twice."
LADIES are like watches-pretty
enough to look at; sweet face and deli
cate hands, but somewhat difficult to
"regulate after they are set agoing.
We should think the conductors wife
would be jealous of her lord. He is
always looking after the fare, you know.
Boston 2ranscript.
WHILE the lamp holds out to burn it
is liable to explode. shall therefore
give it to the vilest sinner.-Our second
Soloman.-Bu6alo E1press.
WHEN children get few cents they
generally spend them for c&y. When
they get older they learn to save their
money to buy a 3 of l&.-Newburyport
Herald.
"WHo was the first man?" asked a
Sunday school teacher of her prodigy.
"Adam." "And who was the first
womanW He hesitated but moment,
and then shouted, "Madam"
Two men started out on wager to
see which could tell the biggest lie. No.
commenced: GA wealthy country
editor" whereupon No. 2 stopped
him right there and paid the forfeit.
SPEAK of a mans marble brow, and
he will glow with conscious pride; but
allude to his marble head, and he s mad
in a minute. Language is slippery
thing to fool with too much.-Boston
Post.
TWENTY-FIVE years ago q Missouri
boy left his home and started out to
become president of the United States.
He got as far az Cincinnati. The boy is
now man, and is also one of the best
shoemakers in the Ohio state prison.
SAID Miss Dotonart at the art
museum: eyes, I am so delighted,
Chawles; and what beautiful burst is
that opposite" Money could not force
her into saying "bust." ."-Boston Tran
script.
A MAN aud wife in Upton, Ind,
agreed to separate. Their property was
divided, piece by piece, until nothing
was left but baby and COW. The
husband gave the wife her choice, and
she took the COW.
BUTCHER: "Come John, be lively
now; break the bones in Mr.. William
sons chops and put MI. Smiths ribs in
the basket" John briskly-" All right,
sir just as soon as I've sawed off Mrs.
Murphy's leg."
!EHE man, says the Norristown kferatd,
who bored the first oil well is still alive
and residing at Bethlehem, Pa. The
man who bored the first editor went to
his grave years ago, "unwept, union
ored and unsung."
A GENTLEMAN was pr0menadlng the
street with a bright little boy at his
side, when the little fellow cried out:
"Oh, pa, there goes an editor!" ''Hush,
hushih said the father, "don't make
sport of the poor man-e'od only knows
what you may come to yet."
THE wheelbarrow is the most useful
and elegant appendage of wel!-regu-
lated back yard. Any one coming in
contact with one on a very dar < night
cannot fail to be struck forcibly with
the truth of this remark. He'll tumble
to it at once.-Keokuk Constitution.
We overheard the following converse
ton at the Westville blacksmith shop
the other day: Landlord -" Well, Mr..
have come to the conclusion
that | must raise your rent" MI.
-" Well, Pm glad Of it, for I can't raise
it, Yale Record.
THAT was not inapt advice given by a
deacon at Oil City to a young minister,
who asked if he thought one should
preach more than half an hour. "Well,
that depends on whether after half an
hours boring he strikes lie. e."-2he Ad-
vd,ace. o.
MI. Bright not being up in Pima:
FORE" was much troubled in mind, and
brought the dispatch to we'll known
Indianaian, then in Washington, for in.
terpretation. II know Dams wifi" ," said
Mr.. Bright, IL know his sister, but !
don't know these other members of his
family."-Indianapolis Ne'os.
IHEAR of an excessively modest lady
who cannot talk to a gentleman Except
ing, of course, her husband) without
bl1shing, who turned red, as usual
when on asking !" Charles" through the
telephone which connected home with
Office what time he would be home to
dinner :, q strange male voice replied
Forney's Progress. go ..
! MISS McFL1MsY's dog is dead. In
j the midst of his morning bath, while
covered with lather, he broke away and
ran into the street; and Immediately thu
people began to ascend lamp posts ant
!, trees, and finally policeman came along
and shot the animal, and all the paper
, chronicled the first mad dog scare OF tht