The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1879-08-23
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.
cheap country seat--a stump.

A Knight Icmplar that CHARACTERIZATION ."
Gus.
The best way TO raise strawberries-with
spoon.
Why is a dogs tail like very old person. Be
cause il is n.frm,
why is it like the heart of a tree? Because il
lie rarthest from the bark
First irate female-Id hate to be in your shoes
Second ditto-You couldn't get into them.
A Jaw fourteen feet long has been found IN
Florida Now, there was woman for you.
A gentleman was killed at Louisville the other
day while drawing an ace from bis coafsleeye'
Now what is an ace?
Throw him rope" is what they now say
when friend is oyer5ored.
Mrs. Spraguc is rvalling Mrs. Tilton in max.
ing statements. VIII they be also followed by a
confession:
A colored man and brother made bet that he
could eat fifty watermelons, but stalled on the
thirty.seyenth. They inscribed on his tombstone
Act 81.
Young clerk in Chicago spent six hours in a
refrigerator the other day, having been imprson-
ed by mistake He said on coming out that he
felt as if he had just been entertained at fash
ionabe church suciable.
How to get a Husband" is the title Of a little
work advertised in the eastern papers. The Ell
mira Geftte thinks the safest place to get him is
by the ear, as a good grip on that fayorite appen-
dage will fetch the most refractory husband in
an abbreviated period.
Women ALWAYS become indignant and men al
WAYS get mad. Is this difference 10 be explained
upon geological or psychological grounds
quincy Uo}tr6 Irgo We think 1t is.-Ef.
The following advertisement appeared in the
Rochdalc England Observer Of June 26: "On sale,
z set Of teeth the owner having n use for them,
having nothing TO chew on account Of hard times.
Apply Burgess street, Freehold 9l7f.'
The reason why Ex-Governor Sprague didn't
shoot when he went cunning the other day, was
because there wasn't room enough in tie state
10 get good range on his game.
The Chicago TriJen. doubts the statement that
Matt Carpenter, Simon Cameron and Roscoe
Conkling have applied for admission TO Beccher's
church
There are two little girls Of the same name in
New AULAOli, N'H.i' iHc obhNI h'Sh' 'hN VI
them said her prayers, and for fear they might
be credited TO the other child, she added, after
the amen, "No. 10 Orange street.
Astronomers tell Us that it would take 10000
wears, provided there was telegraph wire from
the earth to the nebula in Andromeda, for a des-
patch TO reach there. SO no wire will be put up,
il would take too long to get the news.
Whatever may be Mrs. sprague's other accom-
plshments she seems to be deficient in the art
of selfdefcnce.
According TO the latest revelations from the
spirit world one Of the popular institutions there
is a dvore court, Of which Henry VIII is the pre-.
siding Judge Let Mrs. Sprague be consoled.
A FINE PAIR
Your cannon-let 1t shoot
Bring out your kfe and let il tsotl
your drum and pound away!
On glorious Independence day
Whtehan 7ios.
Your red and groggy snoot!
Take in your parched lips you old gaoot!
your sign which gives away
How YOU spent Independence day.
PhiIade,phid T,anscriDt.
a. knew western senator" says a correspon.
dent of great ability and the leader Of his party,
English mission, who always conveyed food to
his mouth with knife, and who would drink
from pitcher al a hotel table" The Leadership"
and the great ability let Oblesby out. 1t wasn't
Oglesby.-thcdgo Times.
One of the effects OF the returning good times
is already manifest in the advance in the price OF
dogs Our Somonauk correspondent mentions
law suit up there about miserable cur valued
nj $50
The al-the morality and all-the.decency repub-
lcan party is about centering on the following
presidential ticket; For President, Roscoe Conk.
ling; for Vice President Henry Ward Beecher.
Simon Cameron and Zach Chandler are to have
seats in the cabinet No platform is necessary.
These names sufficiently indicate the principles
Of the party.
The Harkeyc says that yonng man wrote to
the answers to correspondents department as fol.
lows tenderly love n beautiful girl who lives
in the house with new porch, just painted. Can
YOU tell me what will take fresh paint out of the
foundation of a new pair Of broadcoth pants?
Detroiter cured long and severe attack of
neuralgia byfalling down stairs. That's nothing.
Some years ago a Norristown youth was cured Of
3 bad habit of swearing by falling off a cherry.
tree. Not single oath has escaped his lips
since The fall broke his neck Norristoion
Herdld.
When somebody suggested to the late Mr.. Al.
len, Of Ohio, that lie should re.entcr politics and
strive for the presidency, he is reported as saying:
q Leaving the senate gentlemen, retired to ny
home and gave myself to study-profound study,
deep study-and after twenty five years Of com
panionship with my books, came to the conclu.
sion, gentlemen that to be the president Of lit.
tie patch Of territory a third-rate planet by
Cd, was unworthy the ambition Of a statesman
aud scholarw
There is new religious sect holding revyals
over near Amboy calling themselves the Halle.
lujah Lasses." One Of them, says the Amboy
Journal, presented evidence that she had found
the Saviour. Before she joined the Lasses,
she said she allowed the breakfast dishes TO re-
rafr .ba faI b.r l,,ah Ia,