Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1879-01-17
F. u N y
Derrick.

HOW TO fUNlSH AN ENEMY.-A Pal
faced mother dropped in to see if Bijah
advised suit for damages or an arrest for
false pretenses, and, when invited to IN
fold, she said:
'sYou don't know my daughter Mary,
s'pose? Well, I don't care to brag about
the smartness of my own family, but 1
will declare, and stick to it if it kills me.
that Mary writes better poetry than I ever
saw in the papers,
ssDo you take the Chinese dailies?"
softly inquired the old man.
sThe other day she finished some
verses" continued the mother, without
noticing his meanness Il never heard
such poetry! The rhyme was just as soft
and sweet and nice as anything in Shakes
peare, and the lines we're about an orphan
child who didn't have anything to eat or
wear, and finally became an angel. She
read it over to me nineteen times, and l
cried every time, and her father, he cried,
and said she must sell it to some paper for
fifty dollars
NAnd she did, of course, and she took
the money and bought her new corset,
some bandoline, a."
mo, sir. she didn IT," was the indignant
reply. ''She took it over to read it to the
woman next door, and before dark that
woman was goin' all over the neighbor-
hood with the verses written off in pencil
on a four-sack, and claiming to have in
vented them! And when we disputed her,
sir, she called us liars and plagueyanrists,
and now all the folks think my Mary stole
the verses from that deseiving woman
that woman, sir, who never saw an angel
in her whole life.''
swell, what is this world coming TO,
anyway" sighed the old man as she
stopped. ssThat same game has been play
ed on me so times, and know what the
feeling isl
''And our Mary, sir, does nothing but
lie on the lounge and look across the room
under the bureau as if her heart would
break"
"Jess so-used to look right there my
self.'
s'And what can we do about it, Mr.
Joy? Can't we sue that woman for dam
ages, or shall we have her arrested for
false pretenses? A woman who will steal
poetry is dangerous character to be at
large, isn't she?''
'.Lertainly, she is-very dangerous, but
I don't think the law can touch her. It's
false pretenses, of course, but Pm afraid
Won can't convict her.
'sAnd is she to escape?" LIZ
sNot entirely. When you 90 home you
want to pass the following resolution:
Resolved, That the action of Mrs. Blank
in stealing my daughter Mary's poetry
about an orphan child who starved to
death and then became shining angel, is
hereby characterized as brutal and ma
icious in the highest degree, and she is
hereby reprimanded in the most emphatic
manner. Pass that, madam, and you'll
fix her"
''Goodl good! I will!'' she exclaimed
as the tears left her eyes. ''It's wonder
didn't think of that before, but l was S.
busy with my sewing that couldn't thlnl
of everything
Madam, let this little incident Gauss
you to remember foreyermore that theif
is nothing like passing proper resolu-
tion.'' said Bijah. sWhen I am in trou-
ble-when my skies darken--I at once pass
resolution that am all right and max
ing money hand over first, and it affords
instant relief.''
81 am thankful woman, and my
daughter Mary shall knit you some wis
tlets," replied the mother, as she took her
leave and cantered off to catch car
Detroit Free Press.
A Jersey widower, who had taken anoth-
er partner, was serenaded on his wedding
night. The parties brought a phonograpt
in which was preserved some of the obju-
rations of his first wife. and when they sci
it going under his window, the happy
bridegroom broke out into a cold sweat,
and crawled up the chimney on bridal
tour.
A newly imported Hungarian en-
ployed On farm, tilted up a bee hive
the other day to see what the bees
we're doing under there.-He knows now
He says they were making chain lightn ng
and had two thousand tons OF it on hand,
which exploded before he had time to let
the box down.
Said Mrs. Fitz Maurice: ssThe child is
such an ETHEREAL creature. and so delicate.
You will scarcely credit it, but she lost a
HAIR pin out of her head one day last week
and she has had frightful cold ever since.
A st. Joe editor had an article headed
MWhat is it we drink 20 and rival editor
went over to the nearest saloon and ascer-
tanned that it was unusually clear corn
juice.
An editor in Iowa has been fined $3.50
hugging girl in meeting. cheap enough!
saws another of the same fraternity; we
once Rugged girl in meeting, and it has
cost us thousand dollars year ever
since.
'sTime softens all things,' except the
young man who parts his hair in the mid
die and whistles on the street cars. Moth
ing can't make him any softer than he is.
.sWeight for the Wagon observed the
farmer as he helped his three hundred
pound wife to seat in the vehicle.
1t is sweet to have friends you can
trust, and convenient some times to have
friends who are not afraid to trust you.
The Washington monument has one
Fart of it finished. That is the fund