Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1879-04-28
Ladies' saques-Jilted lovers.

Lauies saques-Jllted lovers.
Why is corner peanut-seller like an
apothecary Because he does business
on small scale.
When mother called her son to ac-
count because he had a golden hair on
the lapel of his coat, he exclaimed that
his girl had put head on him.
1t has been discovered by close OBJ
server that henpecked husbands are in
variably men with hairless lips. 1t
takes a moustache to awe female.
"Jane, said he. 81 think if you lifted
your feet away from the fire we might
have some heat in the room" And they
hadn't been married two years either.
A doctor announces that he has chang
ed his residence to the neighborhood of
the churchyard, which he hopes may
prove a convenience to his numerous
patients. --,-'.
Photographer-"You look sober
smile a little" He smiles, and the
photographer says, mot so much. sir !;
my instrument is too small to encompass
the opening"
Look carefully at such $50 bills as
you may have among your small change.
There is dangerous counterfeit in cir
culation on the National Bank of Com
merce of New York city.
'"Why," asks the Wheeling Leader,
don't some one write song on the first
fly of summer?" Because the fly won't
hold still long enough for any one to
write song on it.-Norristoaon Herald.
What is meant by conscience ?" asks
an English schoolmaster of his class. "A
Inward monitor" is the almost stimuli
taneous reply. "And what do you un-
derstand by a monitor ?" IA hiron.clad >"
yells an intelligent youth.
Bus stops: Smiling young lady enters,
every seat full; an old gentleman rises
at the other end. "Oh. don't rise !' says
the lovely girl; Il can just as we'll
stand" "You can do as you please
about that, miss said the old gent,
"but I'm going to get out
A family is like unto an equipage.
First, the father, the draught horse :;
next, the boys, the wheels, for they are
always running around; then the girls,
they are surrounded by fellows. The
baby occupies the lapboard, and the
mother-.well, what's wagon without a
tongue, anyhow?
That is good story given IN the
Graphic about an aged lady on her
death bed, who was in penitent mood.
She said: II have been a great sinner
more than 80 years, and didn't know it. -
An old colored woman, who had lived
with her long time, exclaimed: "Lors
l knowed it all the time"
President Lincoln once listened pa
tiently while friend read long manu-
script to him, and who then asked
"What do you think of it? How will ii
take?" The President reflected little
while, and then answered: "Well, fol
people who like that kind of thing,
think that is just about the kind of thing
they'd like"
A small boy in Belfast, whose deport
ment at school had always ranked lOC
per cent, came home one day recently
with his standing reduced to ninety.
eight. "What have you been doing, my
son ?" asked the mother. "Been doing p
replied the young hopeful. 'been doing
| just as l have all along, only the teacher
caught me this time"
Says the Norristown Herald: "Tht
world is growing better, sure enough
Ten years ago you could find a dozer
authors of Beautiful Snow without 60
ing West. Now you may travel all ovel
the Union and not collide with person
sufficiently abandoned and lost to al
sense of shame as to confess that b.
wrote those anonymous lines"
A good colored man once said in
class-meeting Brethren, when | wa
boy l took Ratchet and went into d
woods. When | found tree dat wa
straight, big and solid, | didn't toucl
dat tree; but when l found one leanin
a little and hollow inside, l soon ha'
/, him down. So when de debbil goes afte
) Christians, he don't touch them dat stan
straight and true. but dem dat lean
little and are hollow inside"