Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1879-01-10
F. u II !.

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How LETTER FROM BEAUFORT
STIRRED THE OLD FOLKS AT HOME
One of the prettiest girls down at the sea-
coast has gotten ito tronble through the
exhuberance of her language. She wrote
home: "Every evening that charming old
SWELL Aqueus, spreads himself beneath
our window, and hasten to slip down the
back stairs and cast myself upon his bo-
som, all by myself" The old folks didn't
graduate at Peace Institute. and la! the
fuss that letter made! Daddy Blank had
a hickory stick as thick as your arm, hid
den away in his gingham umbrella, a out
to start far Beaufort, when a friend of the
family exclaimed that "Old Aquaus'' was
s'that ar chap that Hinged the nose-gay at
Polly Ann commencement night"
An ambitious young man Of Monroe
county, ILL.,, thought it would evince his
familiarity with the usages Of fashionable
society if he were to have his engagement
printed in the village paper under the head
of 'sBetrothed,' but when, at the trial Of
the action of breach of promise, the adj
vertisement marked Exhibit A." was put
in by the plaintiffs attorney. he was sad
indeed.
E. Questrian, giving rein to his hui
morous fancy, said to his wife. "lf you
don't stirrup your coffee you will lose all
traces of the sugar, and saddle be the con-
Mro
mark bit, but she bridled her temper 80
well that no one could tell by her carriage
that she was little sulky.
Drunk, by thunder!" exclaimed a
gentleman on seeing an intoxicated indi-
yidual pass. The latter heard the remark,
stopped. steadied himself, looked wise as
an owl, and said, sash mishtake, I'm
drunk by lightning; -hlc-rod.' The
corn was Immediately acknowledged on
both sides.
Irate passenger to cabman, who gets off
his box and opens the carriage door: Il
told you lived at the top of the hill, not
at the bottom. you blunderhead.' Cabby
.sWhist. your honor, whist! I'll merely
slam the door and the haste II think your
out. and 20 up the hill like the divil."
Somebody says that the woman who runs
into neighbor 9 because it thunders. and
screams at every fash. will, when she goes
home and finds The ire low, hurry it up
with kerosene turned on from gallon can
as calmly as a doctor giving baby
spoonful of narcotic soothing syrup.
ssSecOnd class in grammar stand up.
said the schoolmaster. John is. What
does John correspond with?" IL know
said the little boy at the foot, holding up
his hand. "If you mean John Smlthers:
he corresponds with my sister Susan.''
A Shepherdstown lady is SO jealous OF
her husband that on hearing him say tie
other day that he had seen handsome
opportunity and meant TO embrace it, she
flushed up and said she would like to
catch him at it.
The sermon of the best preacher in the
world will not make as much impression
upon congregation as the sudden patter-
ing of rain on the panes Of a church con-
tanning two hundred new winter bonnets
It is useless for physicians to argue
against short-sleeYed dresses. The consti-
tuition of the United States says: "The
right to bear arms shall not be interfered
WITH
No matter how hard it is to find rock
ing chair during the day, man is sure to
fall over one when he is in search of the
match box after dark.
A clergyman was telling story of ra-
ther incredible dimensions, while his little
girl made the inquiry: "Father is that re-
ally true, or is it only preaching?"
A barking dog never bites, but the same
measure of confidence isn't to be placed in
.. buzzing bee, even if he does go to war
backwards.
A bachelor paragrapher asks: "What
shall we do with our girls ?" Marry one
and shake the rest of them. young man;
you'll find it cheaper in the long run.
ssHave you cologne ?" she asked, 'sNo,
ma,am,'' replied the druggist; II have no
scents at ALL She said he didn't look as
though he had.
When loafer enters the sanctum Of
busy editor, and the editor says Glad to
zee you're back,' what does he mean2
The vigiiant mother changes the seat of
government every time she put new
breadth in her boys trousers.
"Hcre is your writ of attachment" said
a town clerk, as he handed loyer mar
riage license.
What a barber should talk about whilst
.sov;n. a man-About 2 seconds.