Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1879-07-18
A Secondhand Suit.

A BIG one hundred and eighty pound
er, whose long legs and bulky body
were jammed into q secondhand suit
of clothes two sizes too small, entered
the Central Station yesterday with his
ear bleeding and bunch on his jaw.
As soon as encouraged to speak he be-
gan:
"WeIl, to begin on, I'm mass, and
to end on, Pm a foolr'
oPTe got that down." said the Cap
tain, as he made notes on a sheet OF
"You see,' continued bulky, ''I
wanted to get my tintype taken, and !
wanted it took with red necktie on.
Red Just shows off gorgeous on a tin
type, and this one O. mine was going
clear to Injiany."
That's down."
well, I went to a clothing store
down here, and the feIIer he bowed
and shook hands, and his wife she
bowed and shook hands, and he had
red neckties ranging all the way from
fifteen cents to three million dollars
apiece. l got one-here she is. l
don't claim to know anything about
carpets, but do believe [ kin pick out
the best red necktie cf any chap of my
inches in North America. That's ali
right, Pm satisfied with the tie, but
just put your eyes on this suit OF
clOthesP'
"Pve seen better fits and more har-
mony In colors," observed the Cap
tain.
Fits! Why,ssthese clothes was built
for yearling calf, while I'm a three
year-old elephant HARMONY Why,
here's brown, black, red, green and
saddle-color, all in heapr'
"Well, why did you get 'em?"
eyes, why did get 'em," repeated
the man as he fell into chair. 'sWrite
me down as another fool, and draw q
line under the foolI These 'ere clothes
hung there In that store, and when that
ERE man smiled and bowed and of
fered 'em to me for fifteen dollars 1
had no more idea of takin' 'em than
you have of eating alligator steak for
dinner. Then his wife bowed and
smiled and offered 'em to me for thir-
teen, and said had the purtiest pair
of shoulders she ever saw. Then the
old man knocked off another dollar and
said the clothes once belonged to a
millionaire here, and that when l got
into 'em and walkedup the street every
hat would come off to glorify me-"
"And you believed it?''
Believed it, Write me down as an
idiOt-a nass-a fool who don't know
'nuff to chaw slippery-elmi Ofcourse,
I believed it, One of 'em was praisin'
my legs, and the other my shoulders,
and both smiling and bowling, and I
took these duds at 'leven dollars-shoot
me, if l didn'tp'
"And pedestrians took off their hats
to you, did theyP''
''Did theyl That's the meanest
thing of all! 1 bought these ERE things
'sposin' they belonged to amillionaire,
but hadn't got block from the store
when a big-necked ruff dances up to
me, calls me Jim the Kicker, and says
he's going to lick me for giving HIM
away to the police. These ere duds
sold me right out in a mint, and l got
a couple of cuffs on the head which
have Kept my brains playin' pull-away
ever since the boyshelped me up"
"And what do you want me to do
make an arrestP
"Arrest be hangedP' shouted bulky,
as he jumped up. ''Do you 'spose Pm
a squealerP Do I cry when I get Bit
ten? Never! 1 kin perish, but can
not squeal! Farewellr'
He started for the river, an officer
following at distance, but he changed
his mind about suioiding, and was last
seen sitting on barrel of Akron cement
peeling a herring with one hand and
pulling down his vest with the other,
while an old apple woman was saying:
''I 'spose ye was driven into them
clothes by machinery, but what sart Of
machinery it is that'n drive ye out Of
'em is more than poor old woman
likes me has business to know. ."-De-
troit Free Press.