The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1879-03-07
JOHN PEENIZ AND JEFF. DAVIS.
A NEW STORY TOLD OF THE GREATEST OF
AMERICAN HUMoRIsTs,

| A New York CORRESPONDENT Of the Indi-
annapolis Journal gives the following inter-
esting "reminiscences of the late John Phoe-
nix-Lieut. Derby, of the United States
Army:
When Frank Pierce was President. JEFF.
Davis, then Secretary of War, issued a
| general invitation to officers of the army
who were skilled draughtsmen to send sug-
gestions for the new uniform which it had
been decided to adopt. One such invita-
tlon was sent to each officer. Lieut.. Derby
was very ready with his pen-a really in
genious artist. In reply he sent to the
War Department design for new uni
form-or rather, q peculiar addition TO the
old unlform-the amendment consisted
merely of ring attached to the seat of the
| trowsers of each private soldier. Each Off
Ger was to carry, instead OF a sword, long
pole with hook in the end like shep-
herds crook. The pole and the ring ena-
bled the officers to keep the privares from
running away in battle. Fugitives could
easily be caught by it and brought back.
Stragglers could be kept in line. Moreover
the ring would be very useful in the eaval-
ry service to fasten soldiers to thu saddle to
prevent them from falling off; and in the
artillery service the rings were to be used
for draught purposes in the absence of
mules.
| These specifications were accompanied
by the most grotesque pictures, represent
ing officers hauling back cowardly recruits
by the serviceable ring, cavalry securely
fastened to the top of their steeds by the
same device, and artillerymen harnessed to
cannon, drawing them through narrow de-
files, or up declivity inaccessible to
mules, by cables attached to the posterior
staples.
On another sheet of bristol board was an
illustration in gaudy colors of "Derby's
Rotary Mule Howitzer,''' accompanied by
the following description "Upon the
back of young and vigilant mule, strap a
mountain howitzer, the muzzle pointing
toward the tail. A similar piece of ord
nance is fastened with iron bands under
the animals abdomen, the muzzle aimed
between his forelegs to the front. The are
four runners, two to each piece, and a
spersuader,' as he is called, whose business
it is to persuade the mule to stand still
and not retreat, by stufdng him with oats,
after each discharge, with tin sausage
suffer. When Indians, or OH h,r legitimate
game, appear in front, the mule is, by a
crank movement on the tail, limbered to
the front. 1t don't make any difference
which way the mule turns (and here is
where my patent comes ln), one gun is al |
ways pointed to the front. At the COM
mand ''tire" the top howitzer is discharged. |
The recoil throws the mule on his back, |
bringing the second gun into position.
This is discharged, which suddenly brings
the mule to his feet again, when the gum
ners swab out the mules throat with hay |
and reload. The accompanying ilIustra-
lions lin brown. red, blue and gold, and |
still on file in the War Department. repre-
sent the rotary mule in seven different po-
sitions, looking happy and contented all |
the time"
This was felt to be an outrageous audae-
ity on the part of subaltern. The clerks |
in the War Department laughed at the
funny letter immodelately, but their SUI
periors looked serious. Jefferson Davis,
the head of the Department, was terribly |
indignant, and he resolved to defend his |
wounded dignity. Charges and speciiica-
tions were drawn up against Lieutenant
Derby, and the officers were actually named |
for his court-martial, when VIM. L. Marcy, |
Secretary of State, man of more sense and |
self poise, said to the irate Secretary: |
"Now, see here, General Davis, don't do |
it. This Derby has doubtless asuperhuous
development Of brevity. He is shrewd
and ingenious, and really a fine draughts-
man. He has valuable qualities. You
can organize court that will convict him,
but you will. be butt of ridicule on ac-
count Of it all yourlife. Better file the
suggestions of the crook and ring and the
lively rotary mule, and say nothing" And
he did.