The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1879-05-02
Ghe 99ailg Arens,
RocK ISLAND. ..rLLIuoIg
a Wife who Is seldom, at home.

N " 140 VINO Is SELDOM at home,
When the peddler rang Mr.. Birds
door-bell, the other day, Mr.. Bird him
self opened the door. Mr.. Bird had the
baby upon his arm, and there were fonr
other children at his heels.
Is the lady of the house in?" asked
the peddler.
Certainly s6e isn't!" replied Mr.. BIRD.
She is out. She is perennially and eter-
nally outl"
Where can see her?''
ny, go down to the Woman Suffrage
Club rooms, and if she is not there. 90 to
the society for the prevention of cruelty to
animals, and ii she has left there, visit the
hall OF the association for alleviatlng the
mlserles OF the Senegambians, and if she
has finished up there. look for her at the
church aid society, or at the 9th Ward
Soup House, or at the home for the one
legged, or at the hospital for the asthma
tic, or at the St. Polycarp Orphan Asylum,
or at some OF those places. If you get on
her trail you'll see more Taupers, and
stroDg-minded women, and under clothing
for the heather than you ever saw in the
whole course of your life.
Il wanted to sell her a cold-handle fat
iron, just out. Do you think she will buy
one?"
She will If you can prove that the
naked cannibals in Senegambia are yearn-
ing for cold-handle f1at-irons. She wonld
buy diamond breastpins for those nipeers
if they wanted them, | believe"
Il intended also to offer her a new kind
of immovable hair-pin, which--''
All right. You just 60 down to the
home for the one-leRged, and persuade
those cripples to cry for immeYable hair
pins, and she'll order 'em by the ton.
HAS she any children?'
| well, I'm the one that appears to have
EN-; just now, anyhow"
Because [ have gum-top for feed
ing bottle that is the incest thing you ever
saw"
Now said Mr.. Bird, I'm tell you
what you do. You get those paupers to
swear that they can't eat the soup that
they get at the soup-house with spoons,
but that they must have it from a bottle
with rubber nozzle, and Mrs. Bird will
keep you SO busy supplying the demand
that you won't have chance to sleep.
You just try it. Buy up the paupers
Bride EN-.
How'll | know her if | see her2"
uy SuC d idI Ro WU4du WILL Ocu'
nose, and she talks all the time. You'll
hear her talking as soon as you get within
a mile of her. She'll ask you to subscribe
to the Senegambian fund, and to the AS
thmatic Asylum before you can get your
breath. Probably she'll read you four OIL
FIVE letters from reformed cannibals. But
don't you mind EN- My opinion is she
wrote 'em hereslf.
Shall | tell her you told me to call upor
herr"
1T don't make any difference. But ou
might mebtiOn that since she left home
the baby has had four fits, Johnny ha
has fallen out of the pear tree and cracked
bis scull, Mary and jim both have some
; thing like Group, and Tommy has beer
bitten by Jones dog. 1t won't excite her
she won't care a cent, but I'd like her Il
have the latest news Tell her if she cal
, manage to drop in here for minute be-
tween now and the Fourth of July, she
: might maybe wash up the baby and Civ
, the other children chance to remembe
j how she looks. But she needn't com
T if it will interfere with the happiness o
e the one-legged mendicants, or make hel
asthmatic patients miserable Mind an
mention it to her now, will you?'
Il will.
"All right, then. I'll 90 in and pu
some fresh stickng-p plaster on Johnny
SKULL
And with the baby singing a vociterou
solo, and the other children clnging to hi
legs, Mr.. Bird retreated and shut the door
The peddlor had determined to propose t
' girl that night, He changed his min
and resolved to remain bachelor. ~4Nd
Adeler