The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1879-05-03
VARIETY.


At a cockney theatre in London '' Me lud
the Duke Of Buckingham as harrived ~ 81 As
e? Be 'hevingsl then OFF with is blarstered
cad -
'sThere are too many women in the world !;
sixty thousand more women than men in Massa-
ehusetts,' - growIed the husband. '' That is the
survival Of the fttest,' my dear, replied he
wife.
Tell a woman that England had changed to 4
republic, the Sandwich Islands had sunk and
Lake Erie had dried mp, and she wouldn't exhi-
bit half the interest that would possess her over
the statement that something had at last been
invented to remove freckles.
He had broken his promise to marry the girl,
and her father wanted money consideration to
help heal q wounded heart. The young man
said he would consider a reasonable proposition.
Well, them said the irate father, who was
seeking Justice for his daughter, ''young man,
hsw does dollar and half strike you?'
A gentleman recently about to pay his doctors
bill said; &" Well, doctor, as my little boy gave
the measles to all nv neighbors' children, and as
they were attended by you, think you can af-
ford, at the very least, to deduct ten percentum
nom the amount Of my bill for the increase Of
business we gave you.
There was paragraphist on q moral Toronto
paper who swore a solemn oath that he would
make q joke on the name Of Bob Ingersoll or
perish in the attempt. He shut himself up on
Saturday evening and crawled forth Monday
morning, pale, emaciated, and with solemn
look in his eyes and with the following item in
his hand. "T They ought to spell his name Bob
Injuresoul.' -
ssThey tell me LeadyiIle is pretty high up
remarked Denverite to a visitor from the car
Donate field. High up" CALCULATED the other,
ssweIl, should say The air is so thin that
you've got to fan it into corner to get square
breath. Why, 1 live sorter in the valley, but
MANY q time when / went home at night had to
push cloud from the front door to get in. -
Dearer Nelcs.
A boys mind looks at everything from the
standpoint Of baseball and marbles. a. Why
DO you suppose said a Suaday-school teacher
to his class, .'why do you suppose they took
Stephen outside the city wall when they stoned
him - IL was n poser, but one Of the aspiring
youths was equal to the emergency. He said:
at was so they could get better crack at him,
I guess"
If the spelling reformers ever sit in Conven-
tion to consider different systems that may be
proposed to them, the following letter written by
an applicant for a pension, and furnished by
correspondent, may interest them: 80 Dear Sir:
You say in your Last Letter that iwould have to-
prove that twas in the Battle at Platsburg on the
iIth Of Sept. 1914. idont now remember But
one that is now alive and that is the olmyta
IL be ever comes THAR you can prove all ihave
ever said on the subject. think all theas Pro-
maees Of Pensions all gass- j. y. s. am as
Poor as HI and must Dyso."
Jrsr LIKE The REST OF 'EX.-I am enjoying
one of the pleasantest lecture tours / ever made,
and Providence is evidently on my side. have
nearly lost my diamonds, like MOdjeska; had
railroad accident, like Roze; got myself scratch
ed with a cat, like Cary sprained my back kick
ing over n piano stool, like Nilsson had row
about my dressing-rOOm, like Minnie Hauk
cantor wouldn't let me hang my oyercoat on
spell nv name with n " :" like Wilhelmj. The
men who plunder the people from the platform
have too long neglected their opportunities, aud
propose to make the stars OF the musical world
hump themselves around like comets if they have
any more advertising incidents happen to them
than intend shall occur to myself and my col
Ieagues.-Burdefie, an the Hal1keys.
One Of Henry FOx's jokes was that played of
on the late Mrs, who had great fondness
for making acquaintance OF foreigners. He first
of a German nobIeman, the Baron Won Sedlitz
Powdertz, whose card was left at her door, and
for whom a dinner was Immediately planned by
Mrs.- and an invitation sent in form. After
waiting considerable time, baron appearing,
the dinner served; but during the second
course a note brought to the lady OF the
house. with excuses from the baron, who was un-
expectedIy prevented from coming by the sudden
death Of his aunt, the Duchess Won EPSON SaltZ,
which she read out to the company without any
SUSPICION Of the joke, and to the entertainment
Of her guests, among whom was the facelious
a,.shsar-... E,razs. RElc Rkac- -Sexles.