Daily Republican., 1879-06-19
HUMOROUS.

The bank, but pitch in and stick your
head under, and the shiver is over.
There amt any more trick in getting
married after you are ready than there
Is in eating peanuts.
Menny a man has been shivering
On the shore till the river is all run out.
Don't expect to marry an angel, them
hev all been picked up long ago. Ne
Joe, you amt saintyourself'
Do not marry for buty exclusively; buty
ia like ice-awful slippery, and thaws
dreadful easy. Don't marry for low
nuther; low is like cooking stove
good for nothing when the fuel gives
out. But let the mixture be some buty
becomingly dressed, with about $50
buzzard dollars in her pocket, gud
speller, handy and neat in her house,
plenty OF good sense, tuf constitution
and bylaws, small feet, light step;
add to this sound and clean teeth and
warm heart.
This mixture will keep in any eli
mate and not evaporate. If the cork
happens to be out for two or three min
utes, the strength amt all gone, Joe.
Don't marry for pedigree. There amt
much in pedigree, unless it is backed
by bank stock. A family with nothing
but pedigree generally lack sense.
HIS WAY OF DONG GooD.-Up in New
Hampshire is a well-known eccentric
individual, self-constituted curer OF
all ills, sort of universal panacea
"body and soul, head, heart, and con-
science doctor, " who, with all OF his
eccentricities has fund of actual wit
that is hard to beat. Not long ago the
"doctor =" was called upon the witness
stand. The opposing counsel, who is
said sometimes to wet his whistle y
with liquor pizen, " knowing tho
doctor's peculiarities, ventured in cross
examining him to show him up bit.
The result will be appreciated.
"What is your business ;" pom
pously inquired the counsel.
"My business is to do what good l
can to nv fellow men,, modestly re-
piled the doctor.
"Eut that doesn't answer my ques-
ton, y" gruffly remarked the counsel.
:" How do you spend your time ~
"Why, Squire, it takes about all
nv time to do what said, remarked
the doctor.
"But want something more def,
nite," s.outly demanded the counsel.
Chow do you 60 about your busi'
nesst'
"That depends upon circumstances,
according to the name of the case,
exclaimed the doctor. "For instance,
, if were going to begin on you, the frs
J thing 1 should do would be to advise
3 you to sign temperance pledge. y
: The court roared, and the counsel, a
| If convinced that the doctor was pursu
r ing a legitimate and respectable avoca.
} ton, proceeded with the regular cross
examination.
,, A party of visitors were inspecting
poorhouse. Among tbe Inmates was ,
venerable looking old man, ehose fac
indicated perfect happiness. Said on
ofthe visitors, "You seem to be satis'
; fed with your lot ;" 81 an, " he re
piled 81 have scarce of consolation
p that is denied to most men," "Ah,
said the visitor, "you lock forward t
blissful future beyond the grave ?
: eyes,, " responded the old man "bt
: / also find much comfort in the prover
that says one mans soss is anothe
= mans gain. 1t makes me happy
y think never lost enough to do the fel
Ter that found it mach good. "
The famous pianist Listz, haEin
- !, heard great deal of nOnsence talke
II at party about music, was asked
e play. He sat down and thummed G
II the piano the widest chaos of chort
u and scales he could think Of. "Bsaut
y full p" 'Lovely!" "Sn.blime!' "Exl uis
ite - echoed from all corners of th
Il room. $50 much fer musical rsptu
y. ~ es !" said Listz to friend who ccmpr
e he nded the joke.
,r A newly married lady was tellil
,r ing another how Eicely her husbar
q could write. "Oh you should just St
"a some OF his love letters" "aes,
= know" was the freezing reply, "P'
"a got a bushel of 'em in my trunk
i. The QUESTIONS AyswERED.-"Is the
e, any one distinctive trait or tunctic
ii possessed by man eEclusively'" askt
y. Prof. ", Lafayette College, Easton,
ID the members of the sophomore clas
III eyes, sir, he talks" $50 does tt
or parrot" "He walks erect,' quick
n responded another. $50 do the chin
panzee and kangaroo. "lle thinl
reasens.' $50 it is believed do hOrs
D. =. and ether animals" J." "He loves, hates
;" Faculties given to Ged's lowest,&s W.
80 as highest creatures" ''Ile weeps
~ ~ said a big headed youth who had n
10 spoken heretofore. "Ah," exclaim
vi ", the professor, rubbing his hands,
a' a think you have it He weeps.'
Il u does mule, SIR" said slow boy
10 the foot of the class. "a mule?" aye
Vi SIR" answered the boy; 81 was readil
70. %. only to-day about the weather being
~, " cold that the mule-teers were near
y frozen on the tow path Of the canal
20 Discussing AN ABSENT FRIEND.-'1
lie Robinson is clever feller, and hes
he modest feller, and he's sn honest fells
he but, twixt you and | and the post, N
us JONES'" said Brown CONFIDENTIAL
.pt Robinson amt got neither the look
n. nor yet theianguage, nor yet the maj
re- re- ners of gentleman " D." Right "
al are, sir " said Jones, showeliag t
melted remaiEs of his rice pudding
to his mouth With steel knife whi'
a he afterwards wiped on the table-ola
- "You've 1T 'im orr to a T
A A colored man said in class
70, ing: Bredren, when was boy,
eo took a kStchet anil went into de wood
10 When found tree dat was straigt
ne bip and solid. | didn't touch dat TIRE