The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1879-10-25
WIT AND HUMOR.

WIT AND HUMOR.
| DIR. L. Is cautiously treating q
sick man concerning the nature of
whose disease he is quito In the dark
"WeH," he says to the nurse, on max
Ing his usual morning visit, how do we
find ourselves to-dayp Did he sleep
we'll? Did the medicine act? eyes,
sir, he slept but left the gas burning,
slept well. did hep l thought he would.
and you left the gas burning-turned
down very low? Very good, very good !;
all is growing very nicely" Aud he
takes his hat. "What, doctor! Have
you no instruction-no prescription
nothtng?" The doctor (sagely, and
after mature deliberation)-"Yes keep
low"
"GENTLEMEN OF the jury" said an
eloquent Chicago advocate, "you hcy
hcern the witness swar he saw the
prisoner raise his gun; you hcv hecrn
him swar he saw the flash and heered
the report; you hev heern him swar
he saw the dog fall dead, you have
heern him swear lie dug the bullet out
with his jackknife, and, and you have
seen the bullet produced in court; but
whar ask you, is the man who saw
that bullet hit the dog"
THE train just emerged from tun-
mel, and Yinegar-faced maiden of
thirty summers remarked to her gentle
man companion, Channels are such
| bores ~ which nobody can deny. But
young lady, Of about sweet eighteen,
who sat In a seat immediatly in front
of the ancient party, adjusted her hat,
| brushed her frizzes back, and said to
the perfumed young man beside her,
~ think tunnels arc awfully nice.'
"OH, my darling your voice is as mu-
sical to mo as a vcsper bell, whose
tones fall softly Oh the pert'umed even-
Ing air. Speak again and say those
words, my beloved, for l could listen
to your voice until tho stars are extin-
guished into everlasting night" After
marriage: ~ have had just about
enough of your clapper, old woman,
and If you don't let up l'll leave the
| house."
The Grandma Of little four year old
had been telling her one day not to say
people lied, but rather that they wero
mistaken. Her grandmother, to amusc
| her. told her Il bear story, which was
a tough one to believe. After she had
finished, the little girl looked up into
her face and exclaimed, "Grandma that
is tho biggest mistaken l have ever
heard -
| HENRY was sitting lii the parlOr
with Laura, and in attempting to tnrn
the gas dim he extinguished it. "rhere''
he exclaimed, "rhc gas has gone out"
"Ges," murmured Laura, "and | wish
somebody would follow its example,"
Then Henry went out.
JOHNNY" said a fond mother 70
her boy, which would you rather learn
French or Spanish p" ""l would rather,''
said johnny rubbing his waistband and
looking expressively Mt the table, 81
would rather talk Turkey"
They don't know how to manage it
in ST. Louis. The way to put life into
a walking match between newspaper
reporters Is to put bloody tragedy at
tho other end of it and give the word
an hour before the time OF going to
press.
A VERY much whiskercd individual
driving in Victoria downtown with
his Scotch terrier, asked a witty lady
what she thought Of them. "Why -
said she, "l thought you were beside
yourself" --,>-
TIE bell punch is generally supposed
to be modern invention, but it was
evidently in use In AIacbeth's time,
from the fact that he says eco bid thy
mistress, when my drink is ready, sho
strike upon the bell"
IT takes woman with Il remarkably
strong mind to gaze straight at the Dul.
pit and not loo!; around whom new So
prano starts up tune In the rear.
81 FEEL sure this hats not broa
enough in the brinl, Aunt Jemima -
"What does it matter, child Look a,
me put on anything"
He sail but little, yet as he gaZed on
the mutilated edge of his best razor he
mentally vowed never again to marry
a woman with corns.
A wag who had lent a minister q
horse that had run away and thrown
the clergyman, claimed credit fol
spreading the gospel.
The glass houses of Plttsburg are
running day and night to supply tic
demand for diamonds for seaside hotel.
clerks.
If you have Sick Headache take q
dose Of DR.. Bulls Baltimore Pills; we
know you will find relief.
"What do we eat?" That depends
If you live In boarding house no hui
man being can tell.
There are thirteen different grades
of brown sugar, and yet some can't be
sweet.
WHEN Is a lamp-lighter like coward.
ly soldier9 When he fires and runs
away.
| BREACHES Of trust are not as Otter