Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1879-12-13
marx Twaiu and Postal MATTERS.

Mark Twain and Postal Matters.
10 the EhtH Of the C0srant:-Sir: A uay or
| two ago received a formidable envelope from
Washington enclosing letter and some printed
| matter. This envelope had certain peculiariiieS
| about it. For instance. In Its right hand upper
the words. "United States Postal service: in The
upper left-hand corner the following words Were
printed, is large, bold type, in three separate
Post Office Department,
| Office of the Postmaster General.
Official Business.
In the lower left-hand corner was printed the
following words. in two separate lineS-thuS:
A penalty Of $500 is fred bV lar. for using this
Ehreiope .r0r other than OFFICIAL Business.
In this majestic envelop found the following
among other things:
Posi- OFFICE DEPARTMENT,
WASHINGTON, d. c., Nov. 39th, 1921
S. H. Clements, Esq, Hrrtfoitt, Conn:
Dear Sir: Noticing your letter to the Huiford
C,att,ht upon the recent order of the PoStmaS-
ter General, take the liberty of enclosing a few
| copies OF tract which the Department has pre-
pared in order to meet such hardened cases as
| yours. After reading the tract and the enclosed
clipping qrom the Cincinnati Eaquf'er), which
| latter wish you would return to me. as 1t Is
| the only copy have, you will see that the
unnecessary labor" OF which you complain was
utfv az o Wheb n as s TO tba aire . ,de only
| Plus stock OF transformation in the world, and
TO enable some needy compoSitor5 to increase
their strings by several thousand. which latter
end might have been just as well attained by
| the use of bogus.
send you by this mail a copy of the Postal
| Laws and Regulations to explain the illusions
in the tract, and hope you Will take the trouble
to look into the matter thoroughly. The Depart
ment is unit in regarding the order as the
greatest step towards perfecting the postal SER
vice that has been taken for years, and its
officers are confident that when the public
understand nd it they will sustain 1t.
private secretary to the Postmaster General.3
No Gallon Fs'iend-When you shall have out
| grown the efervescences- of youth, and &C
| quired bit of worldly experience, you Will
| cease TO make mistakes like that. That is to
say, you Will refrain from meddling in matters
| which do not concern you, you viii recognize
the simple wisdom of combining yourself strictly
| to your own business.
There are persons who would resent this inno-
! cent piece OF tmpertinence OF yours and say
| harsh Things to you about it; but fortunately
for you, am not that sort OF person. What
ever else l may lack, 1 have a good heart.
| Therefore, in humane and gentle SPIRIT will
| try to set you right upon certain small points,
not to hurt you, but to do you good.
You seem to think you have been called to
account This is grave error 1t is the Post
once Department of the United States OF Amer
| lea which has been called to account. There is
difference here, which you have overlooked-I
| will point 1t out You are not the post Office
| department, but only an irresponsible, mex
pensve, and unnecessary appendage to it.
Grave, elderly men, public instructors. like me,
| do not call private secretaries to account. Bear
| this in mind it Will be q help to you. The mis-
| take you have made is simple-you have i'm
| agined yourself the dog, whereas you are only
| the tail. You have endeavored to Wag the dog:
| this was not judiciOuS; you should have hung
| quiescent until the dog wagged you. II stepped
on this ta1l-and we will grant, for the sake of
argument, that l dfd-t was not to call tile tails
| attention to anything, but only to direct the
attention of the main body of the animal to
| certain matter. You perceive, it was simply In
| the nature OF ringing a bell, that Is all; my
| business was not with the bell itself. but with
the owner Of it. A bell is a useful thing, in
measure, but it should not keep on ringing when
| one is done with it.
Do make myself partially understood Lest
there be any doubt, let me illustrate farther-by
| parable; for the parable is the simplest and
| SureSt vehicle for conveying Information to the
| immature mind You seem 10 have gathered the
| impression, somehow, that you are a member of
the cabinet. This is an error. You are only
| eAtraneous matter connected rith a member OF
| the cabinet. Your chief is one Of the guns OF
that battery, but you are not. You are not the
gun, CT the load, or even the ramrod; neither do
| you supply the ammunition. You only do up
the cartridge and serve as fire-Stck to touch it
off. You are not the barrel of molasseS, you are
only the faucet through which the molasses is
discharged. You are not the boot, but the boot
Jack; that is to say, you do not furnish the idea,
you only pull it Off. You are not the lightning,
but only the lightn1ng-rod.
convey to you is, that 1t does not become you to
| assume functions which do not belong to you.
You may think it strange that am closing this
note without saying anything upon the matter
| which you have preached. Overlook that. drop
it out OF your mind-we do not disturb the re-
pose Of private secretaries with affairs with
which they have nothing to do.
| The newspaper slip which you have enclosed
to me Will be returned to you by one of my pri-
vate secretaries. keep eleven Of these things
| not for use, but display.
Although cannot consent to talk public bu-
siness with you, benevolent impulse moves me
to call your attention to a matter which IS of
| quite serious Importance to you as an individ-
ual. You, an unofficial private citizen, have
| written me an entirely personal and unofficial
| letter, which you have had the temerity to en-
close to me in department enyelop bearing
upon its surface in clear print this plain and
/ unm1stakable warning: "A penalty OF $500 is
urea ta lar, for as,ag this enrelop to, o'Ie''
governments officers ought to be, for simple
decency's sake, among the last to break its
laws. You have committed serious offence
a joke about it-and only plain and sim
pie treacEery to his duty, on the part OF
your superior, can an save you from the pen
you is SUFFICIENT evidence that do not
wish you any harm, but indeed the reverse
So, if that treachery shall intervene to shield
you, shall not be solry-as far as you indtvd-
! ually are concerned-but should be unfathful
to my citzenshiptf 1 did not at the same time
| land coolly ignored and degraded by one of the
very highest officers OF the government. AS far
as am concerned. you are safe-unless you IN
trude upon ne again; In which case I may be
| tempted to bring you before the courts myself
| for the violation OF that law.
| There, nOw-receive my blessing. Go, and do
not mix into other peoples affairs any more
| Otherwise you may pick up somebody who viii
feed disagreed able words to you instead of sugar
| MARK TWAIN
| To HP Editor Of the C0atrant:-Sir:-If YOU
viii allow me brief word I can furnish some
information which, for excellent reasons, not
two Americans in twelve hundred are ac-
| Quainted with. 1t is this. The issuing OF the
wild postal edict Of last September raised such a
tempest OF prOteStationS in every quarter OF the
| country, that the department, after enduring
| the Siege for few days, misunderstanding.
| 1t did not retire from the fortress openly how
ever. That is to say, it surrendered part of its
armament, but nobody knew about it, for the
| reason that the fact was not made public. The
| fact was printed in the Postal Guide-that is to
| say, 1t was Secreted there. II it had got into
| the newspapers we should have heard Of it, and
| our complaints would have assumed dimin-
| iShed form. Here is the modification
"56. When postmaSters and employees OF the
railway mail service E7iO,r that matter deposited
| in their offices for mailing. addressed to city
| without the name OF the state being given, is
intended for the principal city Of that name,
| being for instance, addressed to a well-known
| citizen, firm, newspaper or institution of such
| principal city, or to street and number which
| could only be found therein it should be for
| Marded as directed in section 467. Otherwise