Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1879-07-05
MARX TWAIN AS A PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE.

This is the way in which Mark Twain |
once announced himself rs Il candidate |
for President:
81 have pretty much made up my
mind to run for president. What the
country wants is candidate who
can not be injured by investigation
of his past history, so that the enemies
of the party will be unable to rake up
anything against him that nobody ever
heard of before. If you know the worst
about candidate, to begin with. every
atten pit to spring things on him will be
chCckmated. Now am going to enter
the field with an open record. l am
going to own up IN advance to all the
wicketlness | have done. and if any con-
gressional committee Is disposed to
prowl around my biography in the hope
of discovering any dark and deadly deed
that have sccreted. why-let it prowl." ,"
'.In the first place, l admit that
treed Il rheumatic grandfather OF mine
in the winter OF 1850. He was old and
lncxpert in climbing trees. but with the
, heartless brutality that is characteristic
, OF me ran HIM out of the front door in
his night shirt at the point OF a shotgun,
and caused him to bowl up u maple
tree, where he remained all night, while
| emptied shot into his legs. l did this
; because he snored l wiz do it again
if | ever have another grandfather.
am as inhuman now as | was IN 1850
= l candidly acknowledge that ran away
!. at the battle of Gettysburg. My friends
u have tried to smooth over this fact by
asserting that did so for the purpose o
J. initiating Washington, who went int
II the woods at Valley Forge for the pur
u pose of saying his prayers. 1t was
= miserable subterfuge. l struck out IN
e straight line for the Tropic of cance
= because l was scared. l wanted m
II country saved, but l preferred to hav
70 somebody else to save it. l entertai
IL that preference vet. If the bubble repr
+ tation can be obtained only at the car
T. mons mouth, l am willing to go ther
i for it provided the cannon IS empty.
- 80 it is loaded, my immortal and indexlbl
~ purpose is to get over the fence and
o. home. My invariable practice in W.
10 ~, has been to bring out of every hgl
Ills two-thirds more men than when wei
u in. This seems to me to be Napoleon
90 in its grandeur.
" .'My financial views are OF the mo
he decided character, but they are not lik
t' ne ly, perhaps, to increase my populari
ne with advocates of imitation. l do n
ue ue insist upon the special supremacy OF II
eh M money or hard money. The great III
in r. damental principle OF my lite is to ia
~ any kind can get.
lhe 1.-The rumor that buried dead au
~ under my grapevine was correct. l
'ye vine needed fertilizing, my aunt had
ear be buried, and 1 dedicated her to t
,ui ~, high purpose. Does that unfit me
I,' nu' the presidency The constitution
tne ~, our country does not say so. No otf
,"u az citizen was ever considered unworthy
ca I.a' this Office because he enriched his graz
lie, lIe vines with his dead relatives. W
nea ns should be selected as the first vicl
onI, onI of an absurd prejudice?
oIn ~ Il admit also that am not a trlt
.ru NV of the poor man. l regard the
a,y man, in his present condition. as
.Syr much wasted raw material. Cut up
u properly canned, he might be made
1ul to fatten the natives of the cannl
,pc islands and to improve our export tr
'A'0' with that region. l shall recomm
legislation upon the subject in my
rate message. My campaign cry will
te- sDessicate the poor workingman;
gis- him into sausages.'
pre- s.These are about the worst part
in my rAcorh o.. t''.r, osne halere
} by country. II my country don't want
as Il l will 90 back again. But recomn
lom- myself as safe mana man who st
oune from the basis of total depravity
e OF proposes to be iiendish to the last