The Cecil Whig. [volume] (Elkton, Md.) 1841-current, 1879-11-29
MARK TWAIN DISCUSSES BABIES.

Mari, Twain remarks at the banquet
Of the Army Of the Tennessee at Chicago,
on Thursday night, were in response to
the following toast:
The Babies: rs they comfort us in
their SORROWS, let us not forget them in
our festivities.
Now, that's something like. We
haven't all had the good fortune TO lie
ladies': We haven't all been generals, or
poets, or statesmen: Gut when the tOasts
works down to the babies, We stand on
common ground-for we've ali been
babies. 1t is a shame that for Thousand
years the worlds banquets have utterly
ignored the haby-as if he didn' amount
to anything. If You, gentlemen. viii stop
and think 4 minutc-if you Will g back
fifty or q hundred years, to your early
married life and recontemplate your first
baby, You will remember he amounted to
Il good dcal-and even something over.
You soldiers all know that when that
little fellow arrived at family healquar-
ters you had to hand i'll your resignation.
He took entire command. You became
his lackcy, his mere bodyguard: and you
had to stand around, too. lie was not
a commander who made allowances for
time, distance, weather, oranything else;
you had to execute his order, whether it
was possible OF not. And there was only
one form Of marching in his manual Of
tactics, and that was the douDle-Quicil.
lie treated you with every sort Of inso-
lence and disreSpect. and the bravest Of
you didn't dare to say 4 word. on
could face the death storm Of Donaldson
and Nirl,sburg. and give back blow for
blow: but when lie c!awcd your whskerS
and palled your hair, and twisted your
nose, You had to take it. When the
thunders Of war were sounding in your
ears, you set Your faces toward the bat
tclieS and advanced with STEADY tread:
but when lie turned on The terriers Of his
war-waoop you advanced little other
direction. and mighty glad of the chance,
too.
When he called for soothing syrup, did
you venture to throw out any side re
marks about certain SerN ices being unbc-
coming an officer and 4 gentleman? NO:
You got up and got ii. II he ordered his
pap bottle. and it wasn't warm, did you
tall, back? Not you: You went to work
and warmed it. OIL even descended SO
far in your mental Office as to take a suck
AT that warm. insiiid stun yourself to see
i
of milk, a touch OF sugar to modify the
collie, and a drop of peppermint to kill
those immortal hic-cougis. | can taste
that stuff yet.
And how many things you learned as
you went along, Sentimental young folks
still took stock in that beautiful old say
lng that when the baby smiles in his sleep
it is because the angles are whispering to
him. Very pretty. but too thin sinh
ply wind on the stomach, my friends. If
the baby proposed to take walk at his
usual hour-hali-paSt , in he morning
didn't you riscd up promptly and remark
with mental addition which wouldn't
improve a Sunday school much) that was
the very thing you were about to propose
yourself? Oh. You We're under good dis
cipline. And as you went ttuttering up
and down the room III your ''NnCresS Nil-
formed, you not only prattled undigni-
fed baby talk, but even turned up your
martial voices and tried to sing, Rock
a-by-baby on the tree top, for instance.
What Il spectacle for an army OF the Ten
ncssee And what an atiiictiOn for the
neighborS, too, for i ISL everybody
within mile around that likes military
music at in the morning. And when
you had been keeping this sort OF thing
up two or three hours and your little vel
vet head intimatCd that nothing suited
him like exercise and noise, and proposed
to fight it out.On that line If it took all
night--,Go on o hat did You do You
simply went on till You dropped III the
last GttGh.
| like the idea that & baby doson't
amount to anything. Why. one baby is
just q house and front yard full OF it
self: one baby can furnish more business
tllan YOU and your whole interior depart
mcnt can attend to: lie is enterprising,
irren nssiblc. brimtul of lawless activi-
ties-do what yu,. please YOU can make
him stay on the reservation. Sufficient
unto the day is one baby. As long as
you are in your right mind don't you
ever pray l'or twins. Twins amount to a
permanent riot; and there amt any real
difference between tripetS and al lnsllr-
rcctinn.
Among the three CT four million cradles
now rocking i'll the land are some which
this nation would preserve for ages, as
sacred things if We could know which
ones they are. For in one Of these era
dies the unconscious Farragut Of the
future is at this moment teething.
Think Of it . and putting in a word of
dead earnest, t.h:,,tiGulatedi but perfect
~ iUstitiahc, profanity over ii, TOO; III
another the future renowned astronomer
is blinking at the shining Milky Way.
with bat Il languid interest. poor little
chap and wondering what has become of
that other one they call the wet nurse:
i'll another. The future Great historian is
living. and doubtless h. viii C0n.in!e 10
lie till his earthly mission is ended; in
another. The future President is buSying
himself with no profoundcr problem Of
State thal What the mischief mas become
of his hair So early, and in a mighty ar
riv of other cradles there are now some
80 o00 future otiice-seckers getting ready
to furnish hitn occasion to graphic with
that sam.r ell problem 4 gcro"d time,
And in still one i..Cly .i:.Gio. .;,:l.ic;..h2rc
under tile fla. the future i!tuS!rio:.S
''"IH!h&h|iti-iil-chlti o. Tue American al
mics is - little burteHld with his ap-
proachiu. grandcura and responsibilities,
Is to hr giving his whole &tratagctic
mind. at this moment, to trying to find
cat some way to get his own BIZ toe into
MS moui:.--an achievement which, mean
ng no ,i;sre$rc,D tnt il.ustg!aus ,.:se@; of
this evening also tur"ed his attention to
some titty-eiE Years ago. And itthe child
is bat thu prophecy of the man. there are
mi.uty lev; VIII doubt that lac succeeded.