Gold Hill daily news. [volume] (Gold Hill, N.T. [Nev.]) 1863-1882, 1879-03-06
JOHN PHOENIX AND JEFF DAVIS.
How Frank Pierce's secretary
Ceuidn't lake n Joke.

Jerems'. LAIR 70 Iadiorapoii. Journal.
"But there's one thing about him."
said Milford. "that l don't believe has
ever been published-s practical joke,
OF course" When Frank Pierce was
President, JEFF Davis. then Secretary Of
War. issued a general invitation to oil.
GERS Of tho army who were skilliul
drauahtsmen TO send in suggestions for
the new uniform which 1t bad been de.
cided to adopt. One such invitation
was sent to each officer. Lieutenant
Derby was ever ready with his pen-a
really ingenious artist. In reply he
sent to the War Department q design
for new uniform-or rather u peculiar
addition to the old uniform the amend.
ment consisting merely OF q ring ct.
tached to the seat OF the trousers o!
each private soldier. Each officer was
to carry, instead OF a sword. q long pole,
with n hook 10 the end like u shepherds
crook. The pole and ring enabled Off.
GERS to keep privates from running away
In battle. Fugitiyes could easily DO
caught by II aud brought back. Strag.
glers could DO kept in line. Moreover.
the ring would DO very useful in tho
cavalry service to fasten soldiers TO tho
saddle to prevent them from falling of;
and In the artillery service the rings
were to DO used for draught purposes In
the absence OF mules.
These specifications were accompanied
by the most grotesque pictures, repre-
senting officers hauling back cowardly
recruits by the seryiceable ring. cavalry
securely fastened to the top Of their
steeds by the SAM device aud artillery
men harnessed TO cannon. drawing them
through narrow defles OF up an ACTIVITY
inaccessible to mules by cables attached
to the posterior staples.
On another sheet Of br%istol.board was
an illustration in gaudy colors Of
"Derby's Rotary Mule Howiizer." nc.
companied by the following description:
"Upon the back Of young aud vigilant
mule strap q mountain bowitztr. the
muzzle pointing towards the tail. A
similar piece OF ordnance IL fastened
with iron bands under the animals
abdomen, the muzzle aimed between his
forelegs to the front. There ars four
gunpers-two TO each piece and n
'%persuader,' as no Is called. whose
business 1t Ia TO persuade the mule
to stand firm aud not retreat by
stufing him with oats after each
discharge with q tin sausage suffer.
When Indians or other legitimate game
appear in view the mule is by u crank
movement on the tail limbered 10 tho
front. 1t don't make any differences
which way the mule faces land here IL
where my patent comes in) u gun is
always pointing toward the front. AT
the command Fire 7 the top howitzer
Is discharged. The recoil throws tho
mule ON his back, bringing the second
gun into position. This is discharged,
which suddenly throws the mule to his
feet again, when the Runners swab out
the mules throat with hay and reload"
The accompanying illustrations lin
brown, red. blue aud gold aud still on
fle in the War Department. represented
the rotary mule in seven different atti.
tudes, looking contented and happy all
the time.
This was felt to DO outrageous nu-
dacity on the part Of u subaltern. The
clerks In the War Department laughed
at the funny letter immoderatsly. but
their superiors looked serious. Jefier-
son Davis. the head OF the Department.
was terribly indignant. aud he resolved
TO defend his wounded dignity. Charges
aud specifications were drawn up against
Lieutenant Derby. aud the officers wero
actually named for his court-martial.
when William K. Marcy. Secretary OF
State. q man o! moro sense and self
poise, said to the irate Secretary :
"Now. see here. General Davis, don't
do II. This Derby has undoubtedly a
superfiuous development OF hnmor. But
he Is shrewd aud ingenious aud really q
fno draushtsman. lie has va luabls
qualities. You can organize u Court
that will convict him. but you will be
the butt Of ridicule on account Of 1t all
your lite. Better file the suggestions Of
the crook.and.r ring and the livery rotary
mule and say nothing" And he did.
Derby died (of suicido) q few years after
wards but / think he saw the inside Of
AN in.ane asyIum first.