The Portland daily press., 1879-12-11
Mark Twain.
On Postal Matters and Private Secre-
taries.

| To the Editor Of the COUFdnt:
| SIR: A day or two ago 1 received formid-
able envelop from Washington enclosing a
| letter and some printed matter. This envelop
| had certain peculiarities about it. For in
stance, in its right hand upper corner an oval
black stamp was printed, bearing the words,
| Omitted States Postal service:" in the upper
left hand corner the following words were
printed in large, bold type, in three separate
lineS-tbus:
Post Office Department.
Office of the Postmaster General.
OFFICIAL BUSINESS.
In the lower left-hand corner was printed
the following words, in two separate lines
thus:
A penalty of $500 is 6red 6y lac for using this
Enrelope for other than OFFICIAL Business.
In this majestic envelop found the follow
ing among other things;
PosT OFFICE DEPARTMENT, |
WASHINGTON, ID. c., Nov. 3Oth, lo79.J
S. NJ. Clements, Esq,
Dear Sir:
Noticing your letter to the Hartford Courant upon
the recent order of the Postmaster General take
the liberty of enclosing few copies OF tract which
the Department has prepared In order 70 meet sueh
f cases as 7d b 19 E
quirer, which latter wish you would return to me,
as it is the only copy have you will see that the
really as unnecessary as the complaint, the only
utility of which was to add to the already surplus
stock of misinformation in the world and to enable
needy compositors to increase their strings by
several thousand which latter end might have been
just as well attained by the use of bogus,
l send you by this mail copy of the Postal Laws
and Regu to explain the illusions in the tract
and hope you will take the trouble to look into the
matter thoroughly. The Department is unit IN
regarding the order the greatest step towards per-
fectng the postal service that has been taken for
years. and its officers are confident that when the
public understand it they will sustain it.
Yonrs Truly,
private Secretary to the Postmaster General9
My CALLow FRIEND-When you shall have
outgrown the effervescences of youth, and ac-
quired bit of worldly experience, you will
cease to make mistakes like that. That is to
say, you will refrain from meddling in matters
which do not concern you, you will recognize
the simple wisdom of conining yourself strict
ly to your own business.
There are persons who would resent this in
nocent piece of impertinence of yours, and say
harsh things to you about it, but fortunately
for you am not that sort of person. What
ever else 1 may lack, 1 have good heart.
Therefore. in humane and gentle spirit, l
will try to set you right upon certain small
points, NOT to hurt you, but to do you good.
You seem to think you have been called to
account. This is grave error IL is the Post
Office Department of the United States of
America which has been called to account.
There is q difference here, which you have
over-looked-I will point it out to you You
are not the post Office department., but only an
Irresponsible inexpensive, and unnecessary
appendage to it. Grave, elderly men, public
instructors, like me, do not call private secre-
taries to account. Bear this in mind, it will be
a help to you. The mistake you have madeis
simple-you have imagined yourself the dog,
IL Onlu n have n
deayored to wag the dog; this was not judi
cious; you should have hung quiescent until
the dog wagged you If stepped on this tail
and we will grant, Tor the sake OF argument,
that did-it was not to call the tails atten-
tion to ANYTHING, but only to direct the atten-
ton of the main body of the animal to a Ger
tain matter You perceive, 1T was SIMPLY IN
the nature of ringing bell, that IS all; my
business was not with the Dell ltSeii, put WIN
the owner of it. A bell is a useful thing in
measure, but it should not keep on ringing
when one is done with it.
Do / make myself partially understood?
Lest there be any doubt, let me illustrate iar-
ther-bv parable; for the parable is the sim
plest and surest vehicle for conveying infor-
nation to the immature mind. You seem to
have gathered the impression, somehow, that
YOU are member of the cabinet. This is an
error You are only extraneous matter con-
chief is OF the gums OF that battery n ont
| or even the ramrod; neither do you supply the
| AMMUNITION You only do up the cartridge and
serve as a fire-stick to touch it off. You are
/ not the barrel of molasses, you are only the
| faucet through which the molasses is dis
| charged. You are not the boot, but the boot
| lack: that is to say, you do not furnish the
| idea, you only pull it off. You are not the
lightning but only the lightning-rod.
DO YOU perceive? The thing am trying to
convey to you is that it does not become you
to assume functions which do not belong to
you. You may think it strange that am clos
ing this note without saying anything upon the
matter which you have broached. Overlook
that, drop it out of your mind-we do not dis
turb the repose of private secretaries with al
fairs with which they have nothing to do.
The newspaper slip which you have enclosed
to me will be returned to you by one OF my
private secretaries. L keep eleven oil these
things,-not for use, but display
Although cannot consent to talk public
business with you, benevolent impulse moves
me to call your attention to a matter which is
of quite serious importance to you as an indi-
vidual. You, unofficial private citizen,
have written me an entirely personal and un-
official letter, which you have had the temerity
to enclose to me in a department envelope
bearing upon its surface in clear print this
plain and unmstakable warming 81 penalty
of $500 is fired by taao for usiRg this en0etop
for other than OFFICIAL business" The SER
wants of the governments officers ought to be,
for simple decency's sake, among the last to
break its laws You have committed serious
offense-an offense which has none of the ele-
ments of joke about it-and only plain. sim
pie treachery to his duty, on the part of your
superior, can save you from the penalty in
volved The kindly and almost 'affectionate
spirit which have shown you is sufficient evil
| dence that I do not wish you any harm, but
| indeed the reverse. So, if that treachery shall
| intervene to shield you, shall not be sorry-as
| far as you individually are concerned-but
should be unfaithful to my citizenship if l did
| not at the same time feel something of pang
to see n law of the land coolly ignored and de-
graded by one of the very highest officers of the
| government. As far as L am concerned you
| are safe-unless you intrude upon me again; III
| which case l may be tempted to bring you be-
fore the courts myself for the violation OF that
| law.
| There, now-receive my blessing. Go, and
| do not mix into other peoples affairs any more.
| Otherwise you may pick up somebody who
will feed disagreeable words to you instead OF
| sugar. MARK TWAIN.