The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1879-11-06
HAiFs AND KHlxs
MADE to order-slaves.

MADE to order-slaves.
The dress-circle-the belt.
A GERMAN Count-zwei lager
MANY persons use virtue as a bait fo1
gulls
SEE Leadville and die.-Rone Sentinel.
See lead wash and dye. @
A HANDSOME thing in dress goods-a
pretty girl.
How to cure the itch; first, catch the
itch
Togatner nuts he climbed tree,
He feH-neck broke-new grave you see.
THERE is change in everything but an
editors pocket.
THERE are plenty of people who be-
lieve that non est confession is good
for the soul.
HOW can you expect a pie-eater to do
well in a long run when he's been taking
in shortening all his life?
THERE are only three things you can
get for nothing in this world-air, water
and advice. -
WoMEN's heads are like safes; you
can't tell how much they have in them
by the number of locks they have on.
HUSBANDS nyer meet their wives with
"smiles on their lips; they wipe them off
before they get home. -
d A WESTERN paragrapher remarks: "a
car bunk'll do, if it is in Pullman, and
not on your neck"
AFTER hungry customer has been
served at restaurant, it is the first duty
of waiter to check him. qsz -t tz.. -
= "WHY, Charley, I. don't see how you
can stand such awful high collarsp'
"Well duckie, Pm used to standing col
lars"
= "WELL, Billy" said an old farmer
"when you take off that 'ere plug hat
and spit two or three times, there amt
much of you left, is theref' 3s
that stout, healthy, one-imbed vete-.
ran is near dissolution, because he has
Zone foot in the grave" .
Z A DETROIT restaurant keeper hangs
out sign of 3" Free Chops" and when.
the old loafers come around he shows
them an ak and woodpile. n qisg -r
Z THERE be those who are forever talk
ing about themselves, and yet are ex-
tremely sensitive about being talked
of by Others. Strange, isn't it? 5000
WE know Of a great many men who
are so anxiously advocating the payment
of the national debt, that they forget all
about those contracted by themselves.
MANY girls would rather wear their
stockings with holes in, than have them
darned, because when darned they are
men-ded, and girls prefer men alive 17ia
A MRS. GIBBS, living in St. Louis,
notifies ON her door plate that she is an
elocutionist, poetesss washer and
ironer." az -.s--.--o. ,...-
AN exchange says: "There is no
king and pauper have to waltz right up
to the Captains office and interview the
old man.
| A YOUNG lady named Ruth, after being
knocked down and trampled upon by a
horse, picked herself up and walked
home unassisted. This proves that
Ruth crushed to earth will rise again.
"A sTROLLING theatrical company was
at the dinner table. A waiter approached
one of the members and said, "Soupw
| HNo, sir" said the person addressed, sI
| am one of the musicians" 7o
s"ARE you professor of religion, my
little fellow?'' asked a lady of her pastors
six-year-old boy, recently. "No, man,"
was the little boys prompt response,
''I'm only the professors sonl"
A YOUNG lady who didn't admire the
custom in vogue among her sisters of
writing letter and then cross-writing it
to. .illegibility, said she would prefer her
epistles without an overskirt." SEN
sible.
nett is 81, 500 a day. There is not so
much difference in his income and ours.
Ours is fifteen hundred infive years, part
| of it in sewing-maehines.-P Ill.,
aoaukee Sun. EE9s ~, -
| CAN honest man is the noblest work
of God but it has been SO long since
our gaze has rested upon one, that we
| give this item as a historical fact, and
not one deduced from personal obserya-
"CHARLEY, are you not going to bid
goodbye toyour sistersW eff they love
me less, mamma, if their affections were
less sincere and unconventional. But I
must positively put my foot down once
for all. cannot be rumpledP
A JOURNAL gives reasons for not pub
fishing poetic effusion, asfollews: s'The
rythm sounds like pumpkins rolling over a
floor, while some lines appear to have
been measured with yard-stick, and
others with ten-foot pole" s 9SS ssl
l. DosT know some pastoral vale, srn
| Some fragrant, fowery dale, ~ @
| Some quiet, lovely spot, r s-ce ,-.s
| Some sweet, secluded cot s->ts tt-.-s
| a- Der which the vines do creep, zr
Where they'll board fellow cheap7
A New JERSEY farmer put mop on
the end of long pole, saturated it with
coal oil, set it on fire, and then under
took to, dislodge some aggressive hornets
that had erected a nest under the caves
of his barn. He dislodged them. He
also disloged horse, two cows, and all
his summer crops. No insurance. vsa
SOME boys undertook to play base bal
in field where a ram was feeding re-
lcently.g He butted the short, stoI
through picket fence,and forced all the
rest to make home run. The boy who
was butted through the fence was the
only one scored, andhe carries the score
with him.
ApM1RINa FR1ENDlWhat, another
picture2 Why, that's the second you've
finished this week! Pictor-The third
, | nv bow the third + Admirinps Friend