Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1879-09-05
F. u N :!

THE CAUSE OF HIS FoRGETFULNEss.
AT the farmhouse gate the other morn
ing Mrs. Whitehall said to Joseph as he
was ready to drive into town !:
.sKemember, now, what told you. I
want spool of thread No. 80, ten yards
of calico with dot in it, and yard and a
hall of brown drilling to line the waist"
Joseph drove into the city as straight as
a Decline and as happy as an old giraffe
when the circus is out. He sold his but
ter and eggs, was on his way to dry
goods store when he met man who once
came awful near marrying his sister. This
was reason enough why they should drink
together, and they drank. When a man
meets fellow who might have been his
brother-in-law, if mule hadn't kicked the
prospective bride across the dark river. he
can't tell when to stop drinking.
Whitehall couldn't remember whether he
imbibed seven Or seventeen glasses, but
the result was the same. When he finally
got ready to do his trading he entered
store and said:
s.Shir, want shixty spools of dots wiz
waist in 'em."
That was as plain as he could make it
in any of the half dozen stores he entered,
and by the by he suddenly discovered that
he wasn't in the right mood for trading
He found another saloon and more beer,
and it was evening when he entered a jew
elry store and said:
''Shlr, want yard an half of dots
wiz shixty in 'em."
He was turned out. and late in the even
ing he fell down on the street near the
monument, too tired to go further. As
the officer raised him up he murmured:
''Shir, wan It ten yards drlllin' to line
FER spool thread wiz ~ asftI
He was quite sober when he walked out
for trial, and moreover, a little anxious to
know what had become of all his vest but
tons and one coat-tail.
''Do you feel better 2;' tenderly inquired
his honor, as he looked down at tn Q pris-
Oner. ss 2
mo, sir-I feel WORSE. was the answer.
bgsNice time you had rolling around in
the street last night g4eI
a. s'Squar,'' begun the man as he faced
around. this is the fust time ever made
fool o. myself with both eyes open. I've
got leven dollars down here in my vest,
and you kin take it all if you'll let me 60.
I'll bet a cucumber the ole woman didn't
sleep wink last night, and she'll put one
of the boys on a boss and send him up the
road after me this morn1n. ~
''Then you plead guilty p d
81 do. Pm guilty, and an idiot to
boot"
do you want to dust right out for
home p 1890 -
"DoI? Why, can't hardly stand
still. I want to meet the boy as fur out as
I kin, and I'll tell him I got upsot.''
s'Can you remember what your wife told
you to get p
ssIkin. She wanted sixty yards of waist
lining, yard and half of dots, and ten
spools Of calico, and I'll get EN- as go
out" gr6F
swell. you may go.
''Thankee Whar's my hats goodbye"
Detroit Free Press.
A PHnosoPHIC FIEND.-ssI should like
to sell you gimlet." said care-worn
looking man as he walked into an Office
the other day.
eve have no use for one,'' replied the
"Bdt you should always look into the
misty future, - went on the fiend demurely,
4snext winter you win want to make holes
in your boot heels, SO you can get your
skates on" 6 fsgat oa-:.-
ssI use club skates-no straps required. "
"You may want to screw some boards
together some time. The old fashioned
method of driving the screws in with
banner is pernicious. as it deteriorates
the tenacity Of the fangs of the screw as it
were''
''Nothing to-day. SIR"
s.This gimlet acts as corkscrew."
IT don't want it,
'.It also may be used as tack hammer,
cigar HOluoI ANU Goobu UIuSu
81 don't want it,.
cit has an eraser, pen, an inkstand,
table for. computing compound interest,
and a lunch box attachment
81 can't help it; don't want it,
.Iknow you don't, you're one of those
men that don't buy gimlet unless it has
a rest aurant and trip through Europe
and an Italion Opera company attached.
yon're the kind Of man who wouldn't
live near an electric light to save gas
bill.'' go
And the pedler walked out with his men
tai pluu,age on the perpendicular.