The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1879-02-26
HOG VERSUS POLONAISE.
JOshun's Midnight Chase and Its DIsns-
trOus Results.


in ghostly accents "Jeshua, there is
n hog in the garden. have lived with
Maria long enough to know that she ex-
poets me to catch her ideas instantly;
and although she had said nothing
about it, knew that she anticipated
that would fise in my might and 60
for that hog. L accordingly rose in my
might, and began cropping around for
my pantaloons. l felt that without
them | could not appear TO that advan-
tage that would command the respect of
the hog. L had no idea we possessed so
much wearing apparel until 1 began to
inventory it in the dark, while looking for
my pantaloons. I got hold of articles
OF edging, and articles with founces.
and with embroidery, and with strings.
while Maria kept whispering through
the gloom: "That hog will eat up all
the potatoes before you get down stairs.
You are fearfully slow" l supposed she
whispered for fear the hog would hear
her and become offended, She never
could bear to give any offense, not even
to hog, except me. All this time
was trying on things that did not fit
me, but finally l lit into some sort of a
garment that had what was intended for
a row of buttons on it, and l buttoned
it up, although there was a liRhtness
and eheerfulness about it that did not
seem entirely familiar. 1 got halfway
down stairs, when it suddenly occurred
to me that the hog was not in our gar
den, for the very good reason that we
had no garden for the hog to get into;
still, we had cistern, and the hog
might get into that. It would be lust
like hog. This thought 80 startled
me that rolled down to the bottom of
the stairs, feat made easier from the
fact that seemed pretty well tangled
up IN the garment l had adopted. Maria
Ann, who always proves equal to anv
emergency, soothed me good deal by
coming to the top of the stairs, and cali
ing me an idiot and other pet titles she
is IN the way of applying in moments of
tenderness.
L got out of the front door as soon as
possible, and the hog, who was looking
at the house from the front yard, appar-
emily with a.view of renting it. stood
appalled,. did not wonder at this. In
my haste in dressing 1 inadvertently
put on Maria AIMS polonaise, and it
stands to reason that man arrayed in
white nightshirt and blue polonaise.
rushing from the front door of a bouse
at the solemn hour of midnight. must
present an appalling spectacle to any
hog' After recovering from his mo-
mentary astonlshment. the hog took
three more kinks in his tail and scooted
three times around the yard. The front
gate was wide open, but he never
thought OF going through that. He
seemed to be looking for a good place
to Jump over the fence. 1 tangled N.Y.
self up IN the polonaise again and took
flying leap into the yard. landing on
my left eyebrow. We do not give the
women half the credit they deserve. i
am convinced that it requires more
downright genius to pilot a polonaise,
cut with darts in the back and trimmed
with knife plating, than it does to man.
age national presidential convention.
The hCg ran around the house three
times more In the opposite direction
With four kinks in his tail. I am slow
to wrath, but l am afraid I was begin.
ming to get mad, and when I went
around behind the house and got a
hatchet, l am obliged to confess that il
was with firm purpose to kill that hog
or die trying to. don't think the hog
had noticed the woodshed until I went
there for the hatchet, but when re-
turned to the front yard he Immediately
retired to the woodshed, and then 1
knew had him cornered.
Maria had by this time recovered her
presence OF mind, and had got her head
out OF front window upstairs. and was
yelling Fire !" with ali her might. and
in a way calculated to be of inestimable
service to me. All I needed to spur me
on to glory was some one to yell "Fire I"
entered the woodshed cautiously end
found the hog completely at my mercy.
unless he made hole through the
Kitchen door, and escaped that wav, He
did not do that. On the contrary he
rushed right at me. 1 stepped back
rather hastily, not because he scared mo
any, but to prevent him from tearing nv
polonalse; L am always careful to keep
hoSs on my polonaise, 30 far as is posi-
ole. There was washtub full of suds
oehind me, and as stepped back out
OF the way OF the hog, in fit of absent
mindedness, 1 sat down in the tub. 1t
may seem curious, but my recollection
now is that the tub fitted me good deal
more snugly than the polonaise had. and
yet had never tried the tub on before
in all my born days. The only way ont
of the tub was to tip it over and float out
on the suds, and that I at once did.
Maria, still true to me in my afliction,
opened the kitchen door, and with her
face full of wifely anxiety, and surround
ed by nlghtcap frill, and her mouth
wide open, she really looked like a saint
or something, but she was remarking
" Murder " at the time, and her voice so
startled the hog that he ran over me
before l could get out of the sude. How
he managed to step on me thirty-tWo
times in running over me once, is a mys-
terry both to Maria Ann and myself; but
he did, for we counted the spots his hoofs
made. After running over me he walk
ed out of the front gate as solemnIy as
though he were on his way to church /;
and 1T is my sober belief that he came