The Ouachita telegraph. [volume] (Monroe, La.) 1865-1889, 1879-07-04
MARK TWAIN AS A PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE.

Twain once announced himself as q
candidate for President:
have pretty much made up my
mind to run for President. What the
country wants is a candidate who can
not be injured by investigation of his
past history, SO that the enemies of the
party will be unable to rake up any
thing against him that nobody ever
heard of before. If you know the
worst about q candidate to begin with,
every attempt to spring things on him
will be checkmated. Now 1 am going
to enter the field with an open record.
am going to own up In advance to all
the Wickedness have done, and il
any Congressional committee is dis
posed to prowl around my biography
In the hope Of discovering any dark
and deadly deed that have secrete(l,
why-let it prowl.
In the first place, I admit that I freed
a rheumatic grandfather Of mine in
the winter of 1850. He was old and
fnexpert in climbing trees, but with
the heartless brutality that Is charac-
teristic of me, I ran him out of the
front door in his night shirt Mt the
point of shotgun, and caused him to
bowl up maple tree, where he re-
manned all night, while I emptied shot
snored. I will do it again IL ever
have another grandfather. lam as in
human now as was in 1850.
1 .candidly acknowledge that ran
away Mt the battle of Gettysburg. My
friends have tried to smooth over this
by asserting that did SO for tho pur-
pose of Initiating Washington, who
went into the woods at Valley Forge
for the purpose of saying his prayers.
1t was a miserable subterfuge. Istruck
out in straight line for the Tropic of
Cancer because was scared. wanted
my country saved, but preferred to
have somebody else save it. enter
tain that preference yet. If the bubble
reputation can be obtained only at tho
lannon's mouth, I am willing to 20
there for it, provided the cannon is
empty. If it Is loaded, my immortal
and inflexible purpose is to get over
tho fence and go home. My invariable
practice in war has been to bring out
Of every fight moro men than when 1
went in. This seems to me to be
Napoleonic in its grandeur.
MY financial views are Of tho most
decided character, but they arc not
likely, perhaps, to increase my popu-
larity with advocates of imitation. I
do not insist upon tho special suprem-
acy Of rag money or hard money. The
great fundamental principle OF my life
Is to take any kind I can get.
The run0r' that I buried dead aunt
under my grapevine was correct. The
vine needed fertilizing, my aunt had
to he buried, and dedicated her to
this high purpose. Does that unfit me
for the Presidency? The Consultation
Of our country docs not say so. No
other citizen was ever considered un-
worthy OF this Office because he en-
riched his grapevines with his dead
relatives. Why should I be selected as
the first victim of an absurd prejudice?
1 admit also that am not friend
OF the poor man. regard the poor
man, In his present condition, as so
much wasted raw material. Cut up
and properly canned, he might be
made to fatten tho natives of the Can
hibal islands, and to improve our OK
port trade with that region. 1 shall
recommend legislation upon tho sub.
Ject In my first message. My Campaign
cry Will be, t'Dessiccate tho poor work |
ing man ;sstuf him into sausaces.n
Inese are about the worst parts of
my record. On them I come before
the country. IT my country don't
want me, will go back again. But I
recommend myself as safe mana
man who starts from the basis of total
depravlty and proposes to be fiendish
to the last.
"Dariing husband" she said. .sam 7
not your treasurc?'' "Certainly.0 be
to MI Oh =