Claiborne guardian. [volume] (Homer, La.) 1877-188?, 1879-07-09

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Ihave pretty much made up my
mind to run for President. What
the country wants il = candidate
who cannot be injured By investiEa-
ton of his last history, 80 that the
enemies of the patty will be unable
to rake up against him things that
nobody ever heard Of before. Ifyou
know the worst about o candidate
to begin with, every attempt to
spring things on him will be check.
mated. Now l am goiug to enter
the field with an open record. am
going to own up in advance to all
the wickedness have done, and II
any Congressional committee 10 dis
posed to pr0wl around my biography,
IN hope Of finding any dark aud
deadly deed which secreted, Why
let il prowl. -.
In the first place l admit that
freed q rheumatic grandfather OF
mine iu the winter of 1880, He was
old aud inexpeIt in climbing trees;
but with q heartless brutality that
is characteristic Of me, Iran him
out of, the front door. in his night
shirt at the point of Q shot ghn, end
caused him to bowl up q maple tree,
where he remained all night while /
emptied shot in his legs. ] did this
because he snored. Twill do itAgain
, If ever have another grandfather
! am as inhuman now as wAs in
1850. No rheumatic person shall
! snore in my house. IN. !: 20
candidly acknowledge that l ran
away ut the battle of 0ettysbufg.
NV friends tried to smooth over this
T., fact by asserting that l merely got
D behind tree-thAt did % for tue
purpose OF initiating Washington,
! who went into the woods to say his
I prayers. struck ont in straight
!. line for the Tropic of Cancer, simply
] because | was scared. / wanted
my country saved but preferred 70
have some one else save her. en-.
terrain that preference yet. 1.-THE
bubble reputation can he obtained
4 only at the cannOn's mouth, am
willing to 60 there for it, provided
> the cannon is empty. lift 10 loaded,
!, nv immortal and infisxible purpose
!. is to get over the fence and 60 home
. Nv invariable practice in war bas
a been to bring out of any fight two
y thirds more men than l took In
y !, This seems to me to be NapoleOnit
. in it's grandeur.
Nv financial views are OF most
,, decided character, but they are moi
= likely, perhaps, to increase my pop
" ularity with the advocates Of infia
ton. do not insist upon the su
- premacy of rag money. The great
$, fundamental principle of my life il
=, to take any kind can get.
The rumor that buried q dead
- aunt under one of my grape vines
y, ~ is founded upon fact. The vine'
= need fertilizing, my aunt had to b'
~ buried, and I dedicated her to thu
e purpose. Does that unfit Inc for thu
~ Presidencyi The Constitution o
a. our country does not say 50. N
!. other citizen was ever considered
a. unworthy Of office because he enrich
:" ed his grape vines with his relations
. Why should I be the first victir
o. q, of an absurd prejudicef
w l admit also that am not frien
vi of the poor man. regard the poo
= man in his present condition, as .
on much vast ed material. Cut up an
properly canned he might be mad
=. useful to fatten the natives Of th
,n' Cannibal Islands, and to improv
~ VI our export trade with that regiol
~ ~. nj recommend legislation on II
O oH subject in my first message. M
y. I' campaign cry will be, "Dessica,
~. ~ the poor workingman; stuff him in'
al sausages!'
M. M These are about the worst par
' e of my record. On them ! come b
.on fore the country. If my COUNT
're doesn't want me, will 60 bat
again. But l recommend myself
no a safe mana man who starts fro
Gun the basis Of total depravity, and pr
'su poses to be fiendish to the last.