Connecticut western news., 1879-01-08
WIT AND WISDOM.


 Nothing was made in vain, except human blsod.
 -P,inte and setters-proof-readers and compositors.
 Song of the dry goods clerk Swinging in delaine."
 The perfectly contented man is also perfectly useless.
 Money" says an American editor, |" is the missing link between our sub scribers and editor"
 A Cincinnati man is resisting con- tract with an insurance agent on the ground that he gave it to get rid of him.
 When @ Chicago paper recently spoke of "the black halcyon of human ferocity," it meant murderer.
 -"How do you make Maltese cross ?" was the question before the in- stitute. And one of the schoolmarms answered "Tread on her tail.
 An Iowa clergyman boasts that he can marry twenty couples in an hour. Twenty knots an hour is pretty good speed for clergyman to make.
 -"We had shortcake for tea, 7" said little girl to little boy. "So had we," he answered; "so short that l didn't get bit of it."
 The Chicago Times has come to the conclusion, not hastily, that all men arc liars, with the exception of witnesses | kI.. lofa,oa s,, ar trials
 A joker says it is all nonsense to say that lightning never strikes twice in the same place. His grocers scales show the effects of at least half dozen lightenings.
 A story is going the rounds about young man kissing Marie Roze in the entry of a hotel by mistake, instead of his sister. Some people doubt the story we doubt the mistake.
 --" Sammy, my boy, what are you crying for" "Bill throwed the Bible at me and hit me on tho head. "Well. you are the only one in my family on whom the Bible ever had any impress sion."
 -" Sir" said tho lady to would-be wag, "your jokes always put me in mind of sphere" "Of what sphere, madam Why so, prnyP" Because you never have any point.
 A schoolboy being asked by the teacher how he should punish him, re- piled: "Please, sir, I should like to have 1t upon the Italian system-the heavy strokes upwards, and the down ones light"
 Soft Hearted Grandpapa (to Tom my. who has just been castigated by his mamma)-And you know, Tommy, it really pains mamma more than It does you. Tommy-Oh, yes, know It does. She SAYS so, 1t hurts her hands.
 A newspaper in the inside cont pocket saved New Workers life from an assassin's bullet. The time IS not far distant when it will be suicidal for man not to take apaper. Now IS the time to subscribe to the.-O Oa0ego Record.
 A country clergyman was good deal astonished one day by the jollity of the mourners at the |" breakfast" of fune- ral, and was gravely told in explanation, "Bless you, sir, they're not laughing they're only dissembling their grief"
 -"See here," said an eccentric old man to an office boy who had brought doctors bill to him. |" See here; tell your master that I'll pay him for the items of medicine charged in this bill, but as for the visits, why I'll return them W
 .-"Go to the old Nick, said an irate householder to the tenth man who had pulled the bell within half hour to inquire if he wanted |" his side walk shoveled off," "Be gorra, sald the Hibernian applicant, "1'm afeared he has no snow to shovel" He was en- gagged. d. fact thar some women in New York re- ceive but thirty five cents dozen for making shirts. Hood was right. It isn't linen we're wearing out, but other peoples, lives. Having ascertained this shameful fact, of course the investiga- tion will stop right there.
 Of course.-Judge (to witness, bricklayer)- )-" Now, Job Trowel, you made an affidavit in this case?" Wit ness" Yes, sir." Judge" And you know what an affidavit is, I suppose ?" Witness (concdently)-"Yes, sir; it's the second course O bricks"
 A young Scotchman at Aldershot , fell sick, and was sent to the hospital. A bath was brought into the chamber where the invalid lay; he looked at 1t hard and for some time, then he threw up his hands and bawled, "Oh, doctor ! [ doctor I canna drink a that r F -Arrah, Pat, wouldn't ye be afther bringing home the shovel lent ye last Christmas ?'' "DiviI bit! haven't f done with it this three months." Be , iabers and whatll I do for shovel 3 meself ?" "It's perfectly aisy for ye to borrow one, as did so be off wid yer ] self, and not be afther bothering me