Smyrna times., 1879-02-19
A Wife Who is Seldom at Home.

When the peddler rang Mr. Birds door
bell, the other day, Mr.. Bird himself opened |
the door. Mr.. Bird had the baby upon his |
arm, and there were four other children at
his heels.
" Is the lady of the house in?" asked the
peddler.
Certainly she isn't?' replied Mr.. Bird
"She is out She is percnnially and eter-
nally out!'
"Where can see her?"
Why, 90 down to the Woman Suffrage
Club rooms, and if she is not there, 90 to
the society for the prevention Of cruelty to
animals, and if she has left there, visit the
hall of the association for aleviating the
miseres of the Senegambans and il she
has finished up there, look for her at the
church aid society, or at the 9th Ward
Soup House, or at the home Of the one
legged or at the refuge for intirm dogs, or
at the hospital for the asthmatic, or at the
st. PO!ycarp Orphan Asylum, or at some of
these places. If you get on her trail, you'll
see more paupers, and strong-minded
women, and under-clothing for the heather
than you ever saw in the whole course of
your life"
81 wanted to sell her cold,handle fat
iron, just out. Do you think she will buy
one?"
"She will if you can prove that the
naked cannibals in Senegamba are yearn
ing for coldhandle fiat irons. She would
, buy diamond breastpins for those niggers if
they wanted them, believe"
~ intended also to offer her new kind
} Of immovable hair.pin, which
"All right. You Just 90 down to the
! home for the one-egged, and persuade
those cripples to cry for immovable hair
pins, and she'll order 'em by the TOM
Has she any children?"
, "Well I'm the one that appears to have
. EN-; just now, anyhow.
! Because | have a gum-top for a feeding
Y bottle; this is the incest thing you ever
; saw"
: "Now," said Mr.. Bird, "Tll tell you
what to do. You get those paupeIs tc
y swear they can't eat the soup they get al
the soup-house with spoons, but they mus
have it from a bottle with rubber nozzle
# and Mrs. Bird will keep you SO busy sup
q plying the demand that you won't have {
n chance to sleep. You just try it. Buy VI
= the paupers Brbe 'em y
- How'll know her if | see her?'
; "Why, she's large woman with a ben
i nose, and she talks all the time. You'll
=, hear her talking as soon as you get within
:. a mile of her. She'll ask you to subscrb
- to the Senegamban fund, and to the Astl
' matte Asylum, before you can breathe
IL Probably she'll read you four or five letter
~ from reformed cannibals. But don't yot
~ mind 'em. Ny opinion is she wrote 'en
= herself"
N N "Shall tell her you told me to ca
NJ NJ upon her?'
~ 1t don't make any difference. Butyo
20 might mention that since she left home tn
" baby has had four tits, Johnny has fallei
out of the pear tree and cracked hi
skull, Mary and Jim both have somethin
like Group, and Tommy has been bitten b
w Jones dog. 1t won't excite her; she won
i. care cent; but I'd like her to have til
v latest news. Tell her if she can manage t
ri drop in here for a minute between no
he and the Fourth Of July, she might mayb
1e wash the baby and give the children
~. chance to remember how she looks. Br
% she needn't come if it will interfere wit
yo the happiness of the one.legged mend
re cants, or make her asthmatic paten
III miserable. Mind and mention it to h,
ed now, will you y
is. 81 will
va "All right then. I'll 90 in and put son
NO fresh sticking plaster on Johnny's skull"
And with the baby singing vociiero
solo, and the other children clinging TO Il
le. legs, Mr.. Bird retreated and shut the doc
de The peddler had determined to propose
he girl that night. He changed his min
,us and resolved to remain q bachelor.-M
I'd. Adeler.