The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1879-11-14
Cap and Bells.

| Advice to oyster-eaters, candidates and
American mothers in Europe-watch the
| count.
| Detroit Free Press: If the Herald fails to
bring home the north pole the Worlds mono
| lith will be the oldest monument to newspaper
enterprise in the world.
Mile. X, pretty young actress, has hands
so red as to resemble boiled Holsters. "She is
a most charming young person." said Condi-
net, "but her hands are rather bashful."
Danbury News: An unknown man was
killed by the cars at Stratford on Saturday.
The contents of his pocket, sixty cents and a
pair of scissors, would indicate that he was
connected with journalism.
Rome Sentinel: Editors are generally poor
ly off for clothing. When you hear of one of
them having two suits, you calculate that
one is the suit he wears every Gay and Sun
days too and the other is q libel suit.
Never use fast words. 1t may not always be
agreeable ''How do you like my boots, love?"
exclaimed youthful bride to the partner Of
her joys. "Oh they're immense" he replied,
away as the result.
Boston Post: NJ Zola observes that the ''ae-
tivity of the modern novelist is born of the at
titude of doubt in which he places him
self toward imperfectly known truths and
unexplained phenomena" We would like NJ.
Zola to understand that one Joseph Cook is all
this world requires at one time.
Boston Post: The Western lady who read in
a newspaper that baking powder was good
thing, thought she'd bake some, and her old
man on arriving where the cabin had stood
said he wouldn't mind the affair so much if
she'd let the dog out before blowing herself
and the property to glory in that STYLE
Pecks Milwaukee Sun: 1t appears that in
Virginia ON Tuesday last the people voted for
o read diustment of the State debt. Readjust-
ment is term that needs explanation. 1t is
like man who has owed bill of fifteen dol
lars for advertising for six months, and then
moves out to Nebraska 1t does not pay the
debt exactly, but 1t settles it.
London Punch: The Time honored British
Threat Indignant Anglo-Saxon Ito Provin-
cial inn-keeper, who is bowling his thanks for
the final settlement of his much disputed and
exorbitant account-"Oh, oui, mossol pour le
matiere de ca je payei Mais juste vous regar-
dez ici, mon ami! ct juste-vous-m marquee
mes-mots! Je pdye-mojsjo ia melt te dams la
'TiDaesr"
London Punch: The height of Esthetic
Exclusiveness: Mamma" ho are those ex-
traordinary looking children?" Efie-"The
Cimabue Browns, mamma. They'e @sthetfe,
you know" Mamma-"So should imagine.
Do you know them to speak to?" Efie-
"Oh, dedri no, mamma-they're most excu-
sive Why, they put out their tongues at US II
we only look at themp'
San Francisco Post: Talking about down.
right bullheaded luck" said old Buffers the
other day, ''why, that fellow, Blivens, beats
any one ever heard Of" "Hows that?' said
the barkeeper. "Why, the other day his
tailor ran away with his wife. Just think of
1.-TWO ten strikes in single day." And
Buffers walked off, grumbling at the unfair
partiality of Providence.
A politician who has been on terms of init
macy with actors and artists, is suddenly ele-
vated to an important official position. One OF
his friends, a distinguished actor, goes to call
on him, and entering the office, says genially,
"Hullo old fel., How's-"s 81 beg your
pardon, SIR" says the official in glaccal mar
ner; 81 am occupied for a moment, be so good
as to take a seat" The actor sits down in
surprise in chair and presently his friend
says, "Now, sir, what can I do for you?"
"Why, don't you know me? I'm" II do
not precisely follow you," says the official.
"You have come to" 81 came, sir,' said the
actor, in a terrible voice, jamming his hat
down on his head-"I came, sir, to give you
some advice ON your department now that You
are public official, but, by the nine gods, you
don't need any! Good morning, sir"
Punch: Young Rattleton Bragge (affably,
to middle-aged stranger whom he finds alone
in Brownies studio)-"Good picture, amt it?
Old Stiuon's bought 1.-THE Duke, you, know.
Brownies going down to Stilton to shoot Wish
could go with him. but I'm booked in Lon
don till Christmas-just my luckl Capital
old boy, Stiltonl Looks like an old clothes
man; gets tight after dinner; tells rummy sto-
ries; makes you roar! Fine old place; capital
shooting! Awf'ly jolly girls, the ladies CAM
embert-nearly dozen of em all freckled.
Duchess tremendous matchmaker-bag you
before yon can say Jack Robinson If you
don't look out! Awful fun, the old Duchessl
Dye happen to know her by sight?-shiny red
nose, and as UNDERLYING as buIl-dog-Ah,
here's Browne at last!'' Enter Browne, sud-
denly. "Ah, Bragge, how are you? Let me
introduce you to the Duke of Stilton!"