Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1879-05-10
MARX TWAIN APOLOGIES FOB NOT
MAKING A SPEECH.

Mark Twain was recently at dinner
of the Stanley Club in Paris. and, being
called upon to make a speech, IS thus
reported by the Continental Gazette:
.'Mr. Ryan said to me just now that I'd
got to make q speech. ! said to Ryan,
THE news came too late to save Roger
McPherson.' 1t is sad to know that some
things cume too late. and when look
upon this brilliant assembly feel disap-
pointed to think what nice speech
might have made about Paris-its his
toric monuments, the tower oil Notre
Dame, the caves and other ancient things.
Then might have saIi somethingabout
the objects of which Paris people are
nd-literature, art, medicine then
taking card from his vest pocket as it
to take glance at his notes) and adul-
tery. But the news came too late to
save Roger McPhersor. Perhaps you
are not rs we'll acquainted as am with
Mcpherson? Well. I'll explain who he
was, When we sailed from New York
there came on board man all haggard
ia mere skeleton. lie wasn't much Of
man. and on the way we often heard
him say to himself, The news came too
late TO save Roger McPherson. l got
| Interested, and l wanted 10 know about
the man. su asked him who McPher-
sun was, and he said. Il am Mcpherson.
hut the news came too late to save Nc
Phrrsun.' How toU late?' l asked.
About three weeks too late, he replied;
Ill tell you how it happened: "A friend
OF mine died, and they told me must
take his body on the cars to illinois.
said d do it. and they gave me a card
with the address and told me TO go down
To The depot and put it on II box Il find
there, have the box put on the baggage
cat. and go right along with it to Iii.
nois. l fund the box, nailed the card
on it. and put it on the cars; then went
in the depot and got Il sandwich. l was
walking around. eating my sandwich.
and passed by the baggage room. and
there was my box, with young man
walking around, looking ut it, and ielt
like going up to that young man and
saying, Stranger. that's my corpse. But
didn't. l walked on, ate my sandwich
and when ! looked in again the young
man was gone, but there was that card
nailed right on the box. went on that
card. 1t was directed to Col. jerks,
Cleveland, OHIO. looked in the car.
and there was my box all right. just
before the train started, a man came In.
to the baggage car and laid a lot OF linn
burger cheese on my box. you know. and
I didn't know what was in his paper but
found out later. 1t was an awful cold
night, and after we started the baggage
master came in. He was a nice fellow,
Johnson was, and he said, "A man
: would freeze to death out there. I'll
make it all right So he shut the doors
and windows, and built rousing fire
IN the stove, then he took turns fixing
} the car and poking the fire till begun
to smell something uncomfortable. SO
moved as lar away from my corpse as !
could. and johnson says to me. "A friend
of yours? Did he die lately-this year,
/ / mean Says l. III fix it so open.
9 ed window. and we took turns breath
t ing the fresh air. After while John.
v son said, Let's smoke; think that II
l fix IT. So we lit our cigars and puffe'1
n a bit, but we got SO sick we let lem g.
e QUIT didn't do any good. We trie,
}. the air again. Says johnson, He's II
r trance, is hep We stopped ut a station,
d and as we started of johnson came In
# with a bottle OF disinfectant, and says
9 I've got something that'll fix it, So he
n sprink led 1t all around, over the box, thu
: limburger and over everything; but j
:. wouldn do. johnson said, Just thinl
- of il. We've all got to die i all got t,
l. come to this Then we thought we't
d move the box to one end OF the car, 81
). we stopped over it, took one end and
! he took the ether. but we couldn't get j
d far. johnson says. Well freeze t.
5. death if we stay out on the platform
we'll die it we stay here So we took
% hold of it again but johnson couldn'
V move it; he tell right over. dragget
IT him out on the platform. and the cold al
j. soon brought him to, and we went int
# the car to get warm. What are we 60
Is ing TO do asked johnson. .and he locke,
e i'll. we are sure to have typhoid feve
rs and half dozen other fevers. We ar
E. poisoned, we are!' At last we though
IS it best to go out on the platform. In a
,r hour and half was taken off that plat
at form stiff. nearly frozen to death. The
s put me in bed, and had them fever
In johnson spoke about, You see th
Y thing worked on my mind. 1t didn'
,e do me no good to learn, three week
ir later, that there bad been mistake
to that my corpse had gone to Col. Jen
T. kins. and that I'd taken his box OF rifle
r for decent burial to Illinois. The nov
re came too late to save Roger NlcPberso
,h about three weeks too late.' Ami
ut roars of laughter MIR. Twain closed b
nr saying: when l am not prepared I
i'll speak always apologize. and that's th
at reason 1've told you 90 mach abor
Roger McPherson,