Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1879-02-27
FUNNYGRAPHs.

-NIeriden Recorder.
The border troubles are nothing i'm
comparison with boudoir warfare.
The fellow who rang the bell for
false alarm of fire tolled a lie.-Inde-
pendent.
"D1sTANCE lends enchantment to-
the creditor" We might credit this,
but it is of little credit to the man who
said it.
Miss KELLOGG having decided to retire
from the opera field, will devote the rest
of her life to last appea1ances.-Boste'
Bu lttin.
We are often asked if foreigners like
our institutions From the number
that are found in them We should say
they did.
"To get the sack" is from the French
but young man does not care where
it is from as long as it is not from his
girl.-EE.
NOTHING perplexes married man
more than to find bis wife using his
bachelor cigar case to keep hairpins in
Oil City Derrick.
WHAT were the worst resu).s Of the
late c;vil warp cried Democratic ora
tor. Widows" shouted Jones, who
had married one.-Chot.
PROBABLY the happiest combination in
all this wide world; during these merry
winter days, Is half mince pie with a
boy around it.-Hovktge.
MY brother-in-lav, who "has been
there" says that any man is very near
L =. lot.
ter end of a mule.-Chat.
FRIENDS do not grow on every bush,
though lovers may, and when one finds
good, true friend, one ought to value
him-nor feel ashamed of it either.
The Buffalo Express thinks that pre-
vailing economy is "lighting match
with bank.bill to see whether ten
cent piece is made of silver or pewter -
The New York Worlds last questions
is, "Why should the Oil City Derrick be:
the han man's organ7" So far as We:
are concerned We gibbet it out.-Dsr7'ck.-
MRS. PARTlNGToN again." Poor
man!'' said the old lady; "and SO he's
really gone at last! Ninety-eight, was
he? Dear, dear! to think how that il
he'd lived two years more he'd have been
a centurion" -London judy.
"WB1 are you looking at me go H.
tently, Alice?' said Theodore. 81 was
gazing at vacancy replied Alice,
dreamily; and yet there is twinkle
about her mouth that shows her appralse-
ment of the young man.-Boston Tran
script.
SPEAK gently, speak gently; no mat
ter how much bigger and how much
broader across the shoulders than Your
self the other man is, nor how cross be
looks, speak gently. The bigger and
broader and crosser-the gentler.-Bu1-
lington Howkeye.
IT is told as good thing at Bay View,
in South Boston, that a well known lady
there being unable to speak aloud for
short time from bad cold, her four
year-old boy, was wonderingly let to ask
of member of the household, "Where's
mothers boiler gone to?"-Boston 7raa-
script.
A NEwLY-MARR1ED lady made her
first plum pudding the other day. II
! aimed to make q good pudding" she
said to her husband, who is 1iAeman,,
when the dish was served. "You aimed
WE'LL" he replied, as he inhaled its de-
licious fragrance. eyes, she said, IL
made plum scenter."
AN eastern poet having seen "glim-
mering on the dumb, cold lips of dawn.
Pale languors of inscrutable unconcern,"
western critic inquiries whether 81 the
fellow who happened to,be out about the
same time, feeding his hogs or splitting
wood for his wife to get breakfast with,
noticed that remarkable phenomena n 2
The other day ayoung swell fell asleep
while spending an evening with some
friends, and they, for joke, shaved of
one side of his mustache, and laughed at.
him about it when he awoke. He has
been in the most distressing corsterna-
ton ever since, because he cannot dis
cover which side it was.-Ney York
! Mail.
A sHORT.SIGETED man went to an op-
tician's to change his glasses which were
not strong enough. After he had got
the right ones, he asked, "What num-
Der must wear after these cease to be
strong enough" "This one," said the
optician, showing him another pair.
"And after that?" "This." land
after that?" "After that7 after that {:
You'll need little dog and string
WHAT constitutes "news?" A man
reads long columns of murder cases, half
dozen suicides, SIS many divorces,
twice as many defalcations, an entire
renovation of the man of Europe, deaths
of statesmen, Swans, and poets, and the
nomination of a score or two OF presi-
dental aspirants; and when his friend
asks. What's the news?" he languidly
replies, ooh. nothing" Again We ask,
what is "news? "-Boston transcript.
On, king Of the fiddle. Wilhelmj.
! If truly you love ne, jus. tellmj;
Just answer my sigh
By the glance CT your eye,
Be honest, AMI done try to sellmi.
With rapture your music did thrilling,
With pleasure supreme did 1t h!ln'J,
And if could believe
That you meant 10 Deceive
Wilhelmj, think would kilimi.
Burlington Harkeyf.
ONCE upon time when yong and
inexperienced lawyer was conducting
the defense of murderer in manner
which cast gloom over the opponents
of capital punishment, when ne had
concluded his speech the judge said to
the prisoner in the usual form: Ac-
cused, do you desire to add anything 20
that which has been said in your de-
fenseT' Berger, who was present, whis-
pered very audibly: " Advise him to cast
his lawyer upon the 'rer"s -: Re court"
Al GIN SING, a Chinaman, was
arrested in a Massachusetts, town last
week for stealing chrome of Wash
ington Crossing the Delaware" He
told the astonished court that he
"wantee much Mclean man makee
icee," whereupon the arresting officer
said that some one had told the celestial
that the picture was a rare painting by
Michael Angelo of the father of his
country getting in MS . wlnt ef the te NAM
in the bow of the boat was the north
uo,e. The infatuated Chinaman imme