Smyrna times., 1879-04-02
WHOLE NO. 1,24S.
Wind Watts.

Is those who extract teeth without payin."
A lady was dreadfully insulted because
gentleman accosted her as an oM acquaint.
ance.
Some vocalists take pride in exhibiting a
line talsetto voice: others in displaying a
fine set O teeth.
Much is said in these days Of woman's
sphere. Is it not true that her principal
tt@r is she will not get married?
The last baby born in Pennsylvania
weighed nineteen pounds. 1t would be
cruel to ask anybody to " beat that"
Medical examination. "What is there
besides ether and chloroform to produce
unconsciou-nea?' Visiting Boy.-"A Club"
" Are oysters healthy?" asked an old lady
OF her physician. " | never heard any of
them complain Of being unwell," was the
reply.
"I'd like to club that mountain, said
traveller. 81 hear it is full Of copper"
Pshaw !" answered a resident at isn't
worth ascent"
wag one evening pulled down a turner's
sign and put il over a lawyers door in the
morning it read :, All sorts Of turning and
| twisting done here
A fop just returned from a Continental
| tour, was asked how he liked the ruins Of
| PompeiI. " Not very WELL was the reply;
they ere so dreadfully out Of repair"
A subscriber wrote to journal to make
some inquiries about the next Worlds fair.
whereupon the wicked editor replied that
the next world wouldn't have any fair.
You've destroyed my peace of mind,
| Betsy" said a desperating lover to a truant
lass. " 1t can't do much harm, John, for it
was an amazing snail piece you had any way"
A housewife gives information that ground
cayenne pepper will kill bedbugs, ifapplied
with liberality. She don't mean, though
| that it must be .jammed down their throats
with whitc,wash brush.
"The class in grammar will please stand
up and answer this questiOn-IIow do YOU
parse the word dollar?' "Please, sir, if it's
a trade dollar, you parse it for ninty five
cents" Mexican so cents.
Who is your fayorite preacher? p asked
a man of another. Why said he,
like to hear Mr.-preach best, for don't
like preaching anyhow, and his comes
nearest to nothing of any that ever heard"
1t has been remarked that ladies have
generally great fear OF lightning, and this
has been specifically ascribed to their
natural timidity; but the great truth is that
it arises from their consciousness Of being
attractive.
A tutor of a college, lecturing a young
man on the irregularity of his conduct,
, added with great pathos: The report of
f vices will bring your fathers gray,hairs with
sorrow to the grave" 6 beg your pardon,
sir, replied the pupil, my father wears a
wig"
Patrick asked poulterer the price of
: pair of fowls. "Two dollars, SIR" In
my dear country, my darling, you might
buy them for sixpence a pace" "Then
why didn't you stay in your dear country
then " Case we have no sixpences, my
jewel" said Pat
A Lover of his Country. A Western
stump-orator, ir the course of one of his
speeches, remarked "Gentlemen, if the
Par sy-fx Ocean was an ink-stand, and the
hull clouded canopy of heaven and the level
ground of our yearth wOr a sheet of paper,
: l couldn't begin to write my love of country
r onto it."
; "Nan, the Newsboy,', of New York, has
, saved fifteen persons from drowning, yet he
never heard from any of them afterwards
by way Of gratitude or reward. Capt. Paul
Boynton, who also speaks from experience
: says it's only necessary to lend man SIC
or save his life to have him dislike you and
: shun you ever after.
1t is told of Benjamin Franklin that when
he was a minister to France, he once
# attended meeting of a literary society, and
), not well understanding French when de
}. claimed, determined to applaud when h'
r saw a lady friend express approval. When
they had ceased, little child who under
stood French said to franklin Why
;, you always applauded most when they were
: praising you Franklin laughed heartily
= and explained his dilemma
A Newark bachelor dropped in, the othe
evening, to see a married friend whose wifi
|. was absent from home on prolonged visit
J. He found him smoking at a cigar nearly
& foot long. "Why, " asked he breathlessly
"where on earth did you get such prepos
ferrous cigar as that, Charley p Had /
r. built on contract" was the response, "yol
|. see," continued the smoker, explanatory
g F." | promised my wife before she went ava,
bless her, that | wouldn't smoke more thar
six cigars a day. Promises to a wife ar
4 sacred, YOU know, and mean to keep min
n if. have to get cigars as long as rail-
- Ne,cark Call.
Among the new items coming by mai
from Japan is the following: "The news
e paper lately started at Yokohama, moveC
e into new quarters, and set up outside 1t
)r door large box, intended to receive com
munications for the editor. This was quit
a novelty, and a country woman stopped
rs wondered q little, and then taking 1t for
h. temple.shrine, prayed very earnestly for
10 time. threw into the box her offering OF casl
and nassed on. The editor, the mex
morning. came out with long article, lauC
of ing the religious feeling of the cOuntr
to people." You can Japan us as much q
you please.
SHE WASN'T TO DE CAUGHT AGAIN.-lnnC
is cent females astonish Plattsmouth occasion
IN ally. The other afternoon one went
Merges and bought pair Of shoes. Pete
was in the act of sprinkling some chalk
" powder inside, so they might not slip o
easily. She glanced furtvely at him an
remarked: al know what you're doing.
III Tho genial Peter smiled acquiescence. Sh
slid toward the door, and said, in tones tha
startled the nerves of Peter, Heubner, Ma
re shall, &C.. "You can't choloform mt
Mister; l was fooled once before, and II
blamed if do it: again" And she lie
IS, without the shoes.-PlattSmOah Neb
| Watchman.