The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1879-06-13

An Essay on Woman.
After man came woman.
And she has been after him ever since
She is a person Of noble extraction, be,
ing made Of mans rib.
don't know why Adam wanted to fool
away his ribs in that way, but l sup
pose he was not accountable for all he
did.
1t costs more to keep a woman than
three dogs and shot gun.
But she pays you buck with interest =
by giving you house full Of children to
keep you awake ut night and smear mo.
lasses candy over yourSunday coat.
Besides, u wife is very convenient arti.
Gle to have about the house.
She is handy to swear at when you cut
yourself with u razor, and don't feel like
blaming yourself
Woman is the superior being in Massa.
chusetts.
There are about sixty thousand more
OF her sex than males in that State.
This accounts for the terrified, hunted
down expressions OF the single men who
enligrated from the East.
Woman was not created perfect.
She has her iaults-such as false hair,
and false complexion, and so on.
But she is great deal better than her
neighbors, and she knows it.
Eve was woman.
She must have been moral wife, for It
cost Adam nothing TO keep her in clothes.
Still don't think she was bit happy.
She couldn't 20 to sewing circles and
air her information about every boy she
knew, nor excite the envy Of other ladies
by wearing her new winter bonnet to
church.
Neither could she hang over the back
fence and gossip with her near neighbor.
All these blessed privileges were denied
her.
Poor Eve! she's dead now.
And the fashion she inauguratedis dead
now.
II it hadn't been for the COMPOUNDED
snail" perhaps the ladies Of the present
day would dress us economical as Eve did,
But the only place where her primitive
style is emulated is in certain portions OF
Africa, where the women consider them
selves in full dress when they have on but
postage stamp stuck in the center OF their
forehead.
What beautiful example in simplicity
OF dress is shown some ofthe followers OF
fashion by that domestic animal, the cat,
which rises in the morning, washes its
face with its right hand, gives its tail three
tremendous jerks, and is already dressed
for the day.
Woman is endowed with tremendous
fund OF knowledge and tongue to suit.
She has the capacity for learning every-
thing she was divinely intended 10 know,
and few extra items besides.
Young ladies take great deal OF stock
in classics and learn fast.
When you see young lady student
from Nassar, with an absorbed look in her
eye, and her lips moving, you understand
at once that she is memoriIing passage
from Virgil.
But perhaps closer inspection will re.
veal the fact that she is only chewing gum.
a woman may not be able to sharpen a
lead pencil, or hold an umbrella, but she
can pack more articles in trunk than u
man into one horse wagon.
The happiest period Of woman's life is
when she is making her wedding gar.
ments.
The saddest is when her husband comes
home late at night, and yells 10 her from
the front.door steps to throw out hand.
full OF keyholes Of different sizes.
There issone curiosity in feminine ma
ture.
For instance, once knew q young lady
who could easily pass another one on the
street without looking around to see what
she had on.
Poor thing. she was blind.
One OF the worsthabits q woman can get
into is a riding habit.
But it is not much worse than the mod.
ern walking dress, which ladies' persist in
wearing on the streets.
When woman approaches crossing
she pauses for one tleeting instant, gives
sudden kick that would fire the envy OF a
Mexican mustang, and catches her train on
the fly.
There is no Fun in kissing a girl when
you know you have got to do it and a
crowd is standing by to see lair play.
The best way is to lie in wait for her,
and jump out when she is not expecting it,
catch her round the neck, knock her hair
down, tear all the gathers out OF her dress,
pull her hands away from her face, have her
cry, "Oh don't!" as you press your lips to
hers then so off to quiet place and think
about it.
The average age Of woman is about
twenty-five.
She never lives to be very old.
Some OF them look well advanced in
years, but you should not fudge by appear.
anCes.
II you will take tho trouble to ask a
woman how old she is, you will get ut the
matter.
And discover she is quite young. She
seldom ever passes her thirteenth birth.
day.
About that time she begins to tear out
certain leaves in the family Bible.
Scientific men are trying to explain why
women can't throw stones with the force
and precision of the sterner sex,
This is glazing nonsense.
Woman may not be able to throw stones
with force and precision, but they can hit
the mnrk every time with grid iron OF
stick OF stove wood.
Experience has taught me that.
Women, as general thing, are very
hard to manage. | know but one way tC
keep q woman quiet.
And that is to make her dress in ging
ham.
Length ofIhe Days.
At London, England, and Bremen