Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1879-11-13
THE TRUE ELIXIR WIFE,
Life to Be Prolonged by Progressive
Absorption of Lemons.

MakrOblotlk and Eubanlk, two scien-
| titic methods for the prolongatiCn and
establishment of human life," has re-
Gently been subjected to somewhat Sc
we're criticism ID the German press, one
Of the four great natural secrets that
have baffled investigation for at least
score Of centuries has at length been
discovered by a gentleman whose uni
versity diplomas demonstrate him to be
equally at home in philosophy and med
icine, and who. moreover, is full-blown
Professor of Pathology. The transmit
tation of metals. quadrature of the cir
Gle, and perpetual motion still remain
unsolved mysteries, probably because
Dr. Schmoele has not yet turned his
attention to them; but the Elixir of Life
stands revealed to US by his patient and
laborlous researches into the arcana of
nature. This precious liquor gifted
with the inestimable faculty of protract-
ing existence for an indefinite term-the
panacea for the greatest Of those ills
that flesh is heir to, DEATHS no cum
ming distillation of weird and costly
drugs, no essence of the dreadful broth
brewed by witches from such grisly
, "stock" as juice of toad and oil of adder.
1t is fluid with which ali are familiar,
chiefly in convivial association with hot
water, sugar and more or less copious
modicum of alcohol. Blended with
these materials, humanity has hitherto
gratefully acknowledged its genial and
exhilarating qualities. little dreaming
that infinitesimal doses of Immortality
were floating perdus among the aro-
| matte contents of the punch-boWl. 1t
was reserved to DR.. Schmoele to glad
den the world with the disclosure that
lemon Juice is the tfair Uit5@. To rival
the patriarch in number of years, to
blunt the edge of deaths sickle in
such sort that it shall not avail to
sever the slenderest Of life, threads, all
that the aspirant to immoderate iongev-
ity has to do is to absorb a sufficient
quantity oflemon-juice daily, or bet
ter still, to eat a fixed number Of lem
mons, having relation to his or her age or
sex, every morning ana evening. DIR.
Schmoele's work contains the most
elaborate and exhaustive rules for the
practice of the lemon treatment which
may be commenced with equal certain
ty of Interior success at any time of life.
The Professor also adduces several in
stances Of the efficacy with which the
consumption of lemons stimulates aged
persons to evade the assaults of the
phantom on the pale horse he is yet I'm.
able to mention any case in which the
inhibition of the lemon juice has en-.
abled an authentic human being to live
forever: but he confidently hopes, in flu.
ture not far remote, to supply posterity
with an illustration, in his own person,
ofhis theory that "He who will eat lem
Ons enough need never de-" Failing a
living example of indisputable immor-
tality, such as would carry conviction
to the soul of the most hardened skeptic
DIR. Schmoele directs our attention to
the celebrated painter, Count Waldeck
who died in Paris short time ago at
the advanced. age of 120 years.
The Professor seems to fancy that this
tough artist proves the correctness of the
above quoted theory, because Count
Waldeck was in the habit, every spring
tide, of devouring huge quantities of
horseradish soaked in lemon-iuice. sit
was not the horse-radish," says Dr.
Schmoele, "but the lemonjuice, that
prolonged his life for so many years."
But We have only the Professors word
for the truth of this postulate. 1t may
be that the horse-radish kept Count
Waldeck's vital spark aglow for such
an incrdinate length of time, and that
the secret Of Immortality turks within
that fiery root Besidse the Count died
after all, SO that lemon juice, or horse
radish, or both combined, only enabled
! To of tho g.,
iod of time which, considered in rela-
ton to.eternity, cannot but he accounted
brief and unimportant.
"Makrobiotik and Eubanik," which
work we should mention, has been
published by the printing office of Bonn
University, whereby it is invested with
a somewhat authoritative character,
teaches us what we are to do in the
way of swallowing lemon-juice in order
to attain an age tc which that of Me-
thusaleh was, so to speak mere imma-
ture adolescence. To ladies over 40 and
under 80, commencing the citronian
systems, he prescribes two lemons per
diem, while gentlemen between those
ages must "assimilate" at least three
lemons daily. Between SO and 60 the
dose for ladies is set down at three, for
gentlemen at four lemons day. One
lemon more per diem is ordained to
each sex for every additional decade, so
women, their eight lemons daily-if
men, no fewer than nine. Upon attain
ing his 120th year, therefore, like
Count Waldeck, the gentleman who
should at that period experience the
desire further to prolong his existence
would find himself face to face with the
terrible prospect of having to swallow
4 O15 lemons per annum for ten success
sive years, if he wished to live so long.
Perhaps decade of life would be held
dear by the majority of the centen-
arlans, if had to be purchased by the
deglutition of 40. 900 lemons. The mere
notion of so sour q diet is enough to
suggest to those with sweet tooth
''surcease ofsorrow" by the friendly aid
of the dagger or the bowl. 1t is scarcely
possible even to think of eating 10000
lemons without shudder and a con-
vulsive contortion of the facial muscles,
What would life be worth, even to the
''heir of all ages" if saddled with the
chronic stomach-ache that, one would
demned to imbibe the juice of a dozen
lemons daily? The 'dura tia mes
Yosuma" themselves could pot cope with
the perturbation that such a dose of
natural acid would set up whiting their
precincts. DR.. Schmoele's nostrum is,
however, such as has been stated, ana
Immortality, according to this sage, de-
ponds upon the consumption of
| lemons.