Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1879-06-06
CAPS AND BELLS.

This IS a nice little co-edueatiunal racket
Professor who will see Mr. H. before mex
Monday Lady student Il shall see hin
SUNDAY night"
The dilaIury lover who dreams away these
balny, moonlight nights IN blissful content
as long as his Iuamorata Is by his side, should
remember that a bird in the hand is worth
two ON the front gate.
as that q layonet which | see before me !?
asks the ininnidattd Bourbon voter, with
two reyolyeTs IN his belt, bowie-knife down
his back and a shotgun slung over his shoul-
der Pittsburgh Commercial Bulletin.
Sprggins was saying at the boarding house
that the parlor OF his new house was TO be
finished IN ash when the melancholy Eng
lisLman remarked, Whatever you ave in
the parior, Spricgins don't ave any hash in
the dining room. w. Boston Commercial
This IS the season when the love-strioken
youth who doesn't know violet from por-
cupine quill, goes forth to gather flowers for
the idol of his heart And she, bless her,
takes the flowers with a gracious SMILE aud
when night comes sits in the paror with her
other fellow and pins button hole bouquets
all over his coat. Tell you, young man, 1t is
better far better 10 be cher other fellow than
simply "Ler fellow. Put pin there De
troit Post
X cntucEy newspaper boasts of society
editor who has no peer outside the lunatir
asylum
.Why. Charles" she exclaimed IN great
surprise, 'aIe you chewing tobacco = And
Charlie Tapped the quid carefully under his
tongue, and replied Why no. dear I've
been ont good deal to-day. and my teeth
got badly suuburut. 1t was a new idea to
her, but she would rather have his whole
T., Ind nI,a
tobacco These women are so suspicious.-
detroit Post.
Once upon a time. according to a cores
pondent OF the Chicago Tribune. Jake Nj son
went to a donation party where six farmers
were to contribute jug of milk apiece.
v ell, one man Il very mean man-this mean
man was Jake Mason-thought it would not
make any diff renee if he contributed water
IN place OF milk. SO lie filed his Jug with
water and tool, 1t to the donation When he
got there, he Turned it over the bung and it
ran into - larrel where all the other farmers
had poured their milk. Now, what do you
think was the r,sali Why, every One of
the six farmers happened to be as mean.
\ Lald-helded gentleman stopped at the
corner of Mciil,n and Washington street,
the other morning, where sat an Italian with
a cage containing three canaries with the
following placard placed above them Ia
dies and gents take advantage OF the occa-
sion OF these birds which with 3 cents will
select from the several boxes "A planet Of the
, fortune which will tell you Of your past and
future life said planets are for all. The
baldheaded gentlemen handed over nickle,
little bind flew out iluttered over the boxes
a moment and drew out All envelope with IFS
bill. lie read that be would travel to the
East and marry an Egyptian lady of great
wealth and beauty who had long secretly
losei him, and who @ Here Il sweet
smile vas spreading over his countenance,
whea an elderly lady IN smoked spectacles,
who had approached him from the rear, twist
ed the ierule OF her umbrella between his
fifth and sixth ribs and said why haint
you sent that wood up. jacob DO you sup
pose | can git dinner without as much As a
splinter to burn in the stove = and he an
swerci not, but meeEly followed her.
\ near relative Of Uncle Josh Whit
comb has turned up in St Louis. A young
man. evidently from the rural districts. wen,
into barber shop in that city, the other day,
set barber at work shaving him and u boot
black to shining his boots. The work OF
renovation was progressing fayorably at
both ends Of the youth, when suddenly the
fire buil around the corner sounded an alarm.
The rustic lesped from his chair, and with
one side OF his lace covered with lather and
with one boot POLISHED, rushed out pursued
by the haiher and boot black, vino feared to
lose customer. Only when he found that
the nearest engine WAS not going to the fire
would he conseht To- return TO the shop, say
ing in explanation ui his conduct that he had
come from Texas and had been in the city
two weeks but had not seen the engines turn
out to a fire. But You bet your ears" he
added, when they do 60, I'm going to be
thar.
Spelling and defining bee. Leader giving
out a word and ueiinlng II, IN order TO pre-
vent misapprehension)- y Hennery place to
keep hens. Correct speller II, e, H. hen,
n, e, T. ner, hcnnor y, henuery. Leader
Chicory. Incorrect speller defining, We fear,
in order TO promote misapprehension) A
place to keep chickens. Disturbance
Said hospitable Dutch lady one day
Take some apples and have a knife, for they
have uncommon tough bifeS.'
Instructor, measuring our city map: at is
hat mile from the academy for boys to the
seminary for girls iInnocent stndent
thoughtiully: at doesn't seem so far"
The young lady who gave the mitten to the
young man who wouldn't 60 in the house
where 1t was comfortable, but persisted in
keeping her out a; the front gate now refers
to him ns one of her cast-off CATERS
Mrs. Pariington Las been reading the
he 9TH olircGs weekly reports, and thinks
"total must be- an awful malignant disease.
since as many die Of it as Of all the rest put
together
y. Is oaotlaiic in the extreme. The other
day be had occupied about ten minutes in
delivering some personal "reminiscences of
himself. when he was interrupted where
was what was | saying when | left OFF,"
he asked, the interruption being at an end.
"You were saying 4 replied one Of the
listeners with the passing tribute Of yawn
''Are you bulling air castles in Spain,
Mr.. Jones said landady to "a boarder.
who was thougltfu,ly regarding his coffee
cap. "No. madame only looking over my
grounds ia Java, replied Jones'
The old gentleman who threw the paper
down the other morning with the inpatient
ejaculation. "Oh there's nothing in it ! and
went out 10 look at his garden, was ths same
one who, coming back half an hour later
and discovering that his wife had cnt up the
paper into patterns, thereuPpn ripped around
like yellow Jacket, broke an important
comman Uncut an window pane by kick