The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1879-05-29
HUMOROUS.

ing his spectacles and glaring at the
cnlprit. Now. hero you are, Il young
man OF Intelligence with good clothes
on. ana doubtless you have Il mother
ana sisters who think good deal more
OF you than L do. You've been sent to
school and taught how to earn good
living. In return for all this you 90
screaming around the streets at mid
night, tearing down signs and making
wild beast of yourself. Is that like
reasonable creature? No, of course
1t Isn't. NOW, Pm going to teach you
lesson, young man. You needn't
turn pale, for it WON'T help you any.
Have you got any chewing tobacco? !?
chew more and drink less, like | do.
YOU'RE discharged. Next time you
take drink think Of my kindness aud
refrain from the dCbasing habit. Eth !?
Well, l don't care If 1 do. Avery,
won't you come and join with tins
young gentleman?"
"THE WEATHER has undergone Il
great many changes-a great many
changes" unused Mr.. Smiley, as he
took his ulster from it's nook of retire.
ment for the seventh time this season.
" You could depend upon something
settled this time Of tho year when 1
was young man, but since this new
tangled Probabilities man has taken
charge of winds and waves, everything
has gone topsy-turvy. He seems to
have wonderful control Of the elements
now, tell you. Why, the other morn
ing the sun popped up above tho horl-
Zon us bright as a pewter platter, and l
thought should get some peas planted
before noon. But Old Probabilities,
alias Indications, read light rain, pos
sibly snow and IN be smitten If there
wasn't six inches Of snow before din
ncr was over. Therc'll be no peas this
year, If he's going to keep the weather
contract And the old gentleman
turned up his coat collar, and uejcctedly
strolled down to the market to sec what
was left over from last year that would
boil up nice and tender tor greens.
NOTHING can reach out further than
II cough at church. l. may come from
the remOtest corner of the rear, but its
echoe tickles the throat OF those in
front, and then creeps down the aisle
and touches the ushcrs, and floats from
the chttr to the minister, and never
loses its hold till it has wrung sympa-
thetic explosion from every victim.
Perhaps you've noticed 1t.
PRACTICAL YANKEE-" Well, yes, sir.
| give in to you. Shakespeare was a
genius. But he didn't seem to put IL to
practical use. Never benefited civil
lizatlon with washing-machine nor a
patent turnip-peeler, nor anything OF
that sort. Still, he was Il smart man."
"WHAT,' asked Professor Mills of
the smart boy in the history class,
what did the pilgrim fathers first do,
after landing at Plymouth Rock ?"
- Licked a hackman, replied the smart
bad boy, who went to Niagara with his
parents last vacation.
AT recent hail storm in Florida the
stones were as large us hens eggs. The
foolish Floridians allowed them 10 melt,
but Connecticut folks would have
painted them white, and then shipped
them to New York as genuine hen
fruit.
"SAM," said one little urchin to an
other" Sam, does your schoolmastcr
over give you any rewards Of merit 2"
" s'pose he does," was the reply "he
gives me lickin' every day, and says
| merit two"
A MAN may be day dreamer; he may
take no interest in everyday affairs; in
the busy world he may be as drone in
hive-buC just step on his pet corn,
and sec how quickly he will wake up.
The man who comes to the station
two minutes behind time, and sees the
train standing out at the other end, de-
riyes no satisfaction from the proverb,
Better late than never"
THE man who got into a barber's
chair, pinned tho newspaper round his
neck, and began to read the towel, may
be called absent minded.
a DULL clergyman once said to some
boys III the gallery, "Don't make SO
much noise up there, or you will awake
your parents below"
The wages Of sin we believe are not
paid in trade dollars.
-A-