The daily intelligencer. [volume] (Seattle, Wash. Territory [i.e. Wash.]) 1876-1881, 1879-12-02
MARK TWAIN on BABIES.

The Babiss: As they comfort n. 10 Cur sorrow,
let as not forget them In our festivities.
Now. that's something like We
haven't all the good fortune to he Ia
dies; We haven't 81, been generals, OF
poets or statesmen; but when the toa .,
works down to babies. We stand on
conmon ground--for We We all been ba.
bies. 1t is shame that for thou "a n d.
OF years the world's banquets have ut.
terly ignored the baby ~ il he doe.n' :,
amount to anything. II you, gentle
men, will stop and think . minute-ii
you will 60 back fifty or q hundred
years. to your early married life, and
rccontemplate your first baby. you will
remember that he has amounted to q
good deal and even something over.
You soldiers ell know that when the,
little fellow arrived at fanily head
quarters you had to band in your res.
ignation. He took entire comm md.
You became his lackey. his mere body
guard: and you had to stand around,
too. He was not a com mander who
made allowances for time, distance.
weather or anything else; you had to
execute his order whether it was posi-.
BILE or not Aud there was only one
form Of marching in his manual Of tao
tics. and that was the double quick.
He treated you with every sort Of inso-
lence and disrespect. and the bravest Of
you didn't dare to say a word. You
could face the death storm ut Donel.on
and Vicksburg. and give back blow for
blow; bdt when he clawed your whis-
kers. and pulled your hair. and twisted
your nose. you had to take it. When
the thuDders Of war wereTsDunding in
your ears. you set your faces toward
the batteries and advanced with steady
tread; but when he turned on the ter
rors of his war-whoop you advanced
in the other direction. and mighty glad
of the chance, too. When he called
for soothing syrup. did you venture to
throw out any side remarks about GER
tain services being unbecomirg an Off
Ger and . gentleman No; you got up
and got it! he ordered his pap bot
tie and it wasn't warm. did you talk
back Not you. you went to WORK
and warmed it. You even dtscenled
80 far in your menial office 40 TO take q
suck at that warm. insipid stuff yourself
to see it it was right! three parts wa
ter to one part milk. and O touch of
sugar to modify the collie, and drop
of peppermint to kill those Internal
hicconghs. l can t'ste that stuff yet
And how many things you learned
as you went along. Sentimental
young folks still took stock in that
beautiful old saying that when the
baby smilcs in his sleep it is because
the angels are whispering to him.
Very pretty. but "too thin"-simply
wind on the stomach. ny friends. II
the baby proposed to take u walk at
his Usual hour ur--hslf-pasr 2 in the
morning-didn't you rise up and re-
mark with a mental addition which
wouldn't improve Sunday School
much) that that was the very thing you
were about to propose yourself? Oh,
you were under good discipline. And
as you went fluttering in your undress
uniform. you not only prattled undig-
nified baby talk, but even tuned up
your martial voices and tried to sing
Rock ably baby. on the tree-top," for
instance. Whist q spectacle for the
army Of the Tennessee! And whatS an
infiiction on tho neighbors. too. for it
isn't veIybody within mile around
that likes martial music Ut in the
morning. Aud whom you had been
keeping this sort Of thing up two or
three hours. ana Your little velvet head
intinnated that nothing suited him like
exercise and noise, and proposed to
fight it out on that line il 1t took ell
pight-'.Go on!' What did you do.
You simply went on until you dropped
in the last ditch.
l like the idea that q baby doesn't
amount to anything. Why. one baby
10 a house and front yard full by it.
self; one bsby can furnish more busi-
iness than you and your whole interior
department can attend to; he 10 enter.
prising, irrepressible. brimfol Of law
less inactivities- what you please,
you cannot make him stay on the res
ervation. Sufficient unto the day il
one baby. As long as you are in your
right mind don't you ever pray for
twins. Twins amount to . permanent
riot; and there isn't any real difference
between triplets and an insurrection.
Among tho three or four million
cradles now rocking in the land are
some which the nation would preserve
for ages as sacred things il We could
know which ones they Arc For in one
Of these cradles the unconscious Farra.
gut of the future is at this moment
teething. Think Of it! and putting in
a word Of dead earnest, unarticulated,
but perfectly justi6sble. profanity over
il, too; in another the future renowned
astronomer is blinking at the shining
Milky Way, with but languid interest
poor chap. and wondering what has be-
come of that other one they call the wet
nurse; in another. the future great his
torian 10 lying. and doubtless he will
continue to lie till his earthly mission
is ended; in another; the future Presi-
dent is busying himself with no pro-
founder problem Of State than Whist
the mischief has become Of his hair so
early. and in q mighty array OF other
cradles are now some 10000 future Of
fee seekers getting ready TO furnish
him occasion to grapple With that came
old problem . second time! And IN
,t;ll one more cradle. somewhere under
the flag. the future i!lustrious comman'
der.in.chief Of the American armies Is
so little burdened with his approaching
crandeurs and responsibilities IS to Be
giving his whole strategic mind. st
this moment. to trying to End out some
way to get his own big toe into his