The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1879-11-15
MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.
A Speech which OceasEopcd R0ars of
Laughter I'm Chicago.

CHICAGO, November 13.-The banquet OF
the Army Of the Tennessee ut the Palmer
House in the evening was a grand affair,
many prominent gentlemen being present.
The usual toasts were drank and responded
TO in an able manner. A feature was the
humorous response OF Mark Twain 10 the
toast OF "The Babies" 1t was greeted on
all sides with laughter, and caused consider
able merriment. Ee said:
"Babies as they comfort us in our sor-
row, let US not forget them in our festiv-
ties. ILaughter.] We haven't all had the
good fortune to be ladies. [Laughter.] We
haven't all been generals or poets or states
men, but when toasts work down to babies
we stand on common ground. for we have
all been there, for we have all been babies.
Laughter and applause.] 1t is shame
that for thousands of years the worlds
banquets have utterly ignored the baby, as
if he didn't amount TO anything. II you
gentlemen will stop and think minute, II
you will go back fifty or one hundred years
to your early married life [laughterl, and
contemplate your first baby, you will
remember that he amounted TO 4
good deal, and even something over. You
soldiers all know when that little fellow ar
rived at family headquarters you had to
hand in your resignation. [Laughter.] He
took entire command, you became his
.Iackey, his mere body-seryant, and you had
to stand around, too. He was not COM
mandcr who made allowances for time, dis
tance, weather, or anything else. You had
to execute bis order whether it was possible
| or no Ilaughter], and there was only one
| form OF marching in his manual OF tactics,
and that was double-quick. Hetreated you
with every sort OF insoence and disrespect,
! and the bravest Of you didn't dare to say
word. You could face death at the storming
OF Donelson and VicksburS, and give back
! blow for blow [applause]; but when be
clawed your whiskers and pulled your
hair, and twisted your nose you had to take
it. 1Laughter.l When the thunders OF war
were sounding in your ears you set your
face toward batteries and advanced with
steady tread, but when he turned on terrors
of his war-whoops you advanced in the
other direction [laughterl-mighty glad Of
the chance, too. When be called for sooth-
ing syrup, did you venture to throw out any
remai ks about certain service being unbe-
coming an officer 2nda gentleman? Laugh
teri No, you got up and got it. II be or
dered his paD-bottle, did you talk back No,
YOU went to work and warmed it. You
even descended 80 far in your menia office
as to take sup at that warm. insipid stuff
yoursel! to see if it was right, three parts
water to one of milk, touch of sugar to
modify collie, and drop OF peppermint to
kill the immortal hiccouShs. can taste it
vet. lRoars of laughte:.] And how many
things you learned as you went along. Sem
timental young folks still take stock ia that
beautiful old saying that when baby smiles
in his sleep it is because angels are whisper.
ing TO him. Very pretty, but too thin.
rT. yyin 4.
My friends, il the baby proposed to take a
walk at his usual hour, at haIf-past i'll the
morning, didn't you rise up prompt and
remark. with mental addition which
wouldn't improve Il Snnday->chool book
much, that it was the very thing you were
about TO propose yourself. Oh, yes, you
were under good discipline, and you went
ifuttering up and down the room III
vour undreSs uniform. You not only pratt
fled uudignitied baby talk, but you tuned
ND your martial voice and tried to sing
.Rock-aby baby in the tree-top,' for in
stance. What q spectacle for the Army OF
the Tennessee lroars OF laughter]; and
what afllction for ncighbors, too; 1or II
isn't everybody within mile that nkcs
military music at 8 O'Clock in the morning.
When YOU had been keeping this sort of
thing uD TWO or three hours, and your little
|
him like exercise and noise, 'Go on did
vom w say. He simply went on till you
droppcd in the last ditch. [Grcat laugh
teri The idea that Il baby don't amount
to ANYTHING. Why. one baby is just
house and front yard by ltsel. one
hohy can furnish more business Than
yo,1 and YOUR whole interior department
can attend to. He j.: most cnterprl>ln9,
irrpnressib!e. brimful of lawless activities.
Do what YOU please. you can't make MN
STAY on his reservation. prolonged iaI%h-
teri Sufficient unto the day is one Daoy.
As long as YOU are in your right mlnd Don
YOU ever pray for twins. Roars OF lau@h,
fer and blushes by General Sheridan
Twins amount to permanent lnsufrec'lon'
||Laugh!er.] 1t was high time for the TOAST
master to recognize the importance OF Di'
bies when think what is i'll store Tor inc
present crop. Fifty Years hence we snail
all ke dead | trust, and then this flag, II II
still survives-and let It's hope 1t may
will he floating over republic NUM-
brrinr two hundred millions. According
TO the settled laws OF increase our present
schooner OF State wiR have grown into
political leviathan or Great Eastern, ana
ihe Graded babies OF to-day will be on deck
Let them he well trained, for we are gong
to leave big contract on their hands. ap-
pa,lse.5 Among the three or four million
cradles cow rocking in this land are some
which this nation would preserve for ages
as sacred things, if We could know when
ones they ore. In one Of these cradles an
UNCONSCIOUS Farragut OF the future is ut
this moEsent tcething; think OF It, In
another failure renowned astronomer is
blinking at the shining milky substance
| with but ianguid interest in the poor little
j chap, and wondering what is TO become OF
Ithc other one they call wet-aurse. In
4 another futus great historian is lying,
LAND doubtless lhe will continue to lie Till
1 his earthly mission is ended. Laughter
In another, a future President is busylng
himseli with no profounder proslem OF
Stale than that what in the mischief has
become Of his hair. 80 early and in mighty
array in other cradles there are some $4,000
future clice.seekers getting ready to tnrmsh
him the occasion to gfapple with that same
old problem second time. AND s.l'i one
more cradle: somewhere under the nag the
foture illuSrious commander'in 'in-chief OF
the American armies is SO little burdened
with his approaching grandeurs ana re-
snonsibilities ss to be giving bis Wnoie
Strategic mind at this moment to Trying 10
find out some way to get his own D1s Toe
into bis mouth" u,1
Mfr. Clemens continued al great iensSln,
bringing down the large audience with roa.'s