Connecticut western news., 1879-01-29
WIT AND WISDOM.

WIT AND WISDOM.
 A strapping fellow the barber.
 If "home is where the heart is, what vagrant is the coquette !!
 Will the pews in Heaven be put up at auction ?-Philadelohia Chronicle. .
 "A lady describing an ill-natured man, says he never smiles but he feels ashamed of it.
 Should young ladies be good oars- men because they know how to Heather" their "sculls ?''
 -"Has sound color ?" asks philoso- pher. "Oh, yes. Have you never heard of your roan voice ?"
 When does the rain become to fa- miliar with lady? When it begins to batter on her back.
 A new brand of cigars is called "The lottery ticket" because only one in thousand draws.
 -Sleighing item-One of our fash ionable tailors has cutter that costs him fifteen hundred dollars @ year. -" How greedy you are ?" said one little girl to another, who had taken the best apple in the dish; "I was going to take that"
 Shovel brothers, shovel with care,
 Shovel if none of your neighbors dare,
 Shovel in the teeth of the Nor'westaire,
 Shovel in spite of the biting air,
 Shovel a path for the pnssengairo.
 "A good soldier, who goes to perform an act of charity, must observe the fol- | lowing orders 1st-Order aims 2d-- | Garry aims 3d-Present aims !- IVhite- haU Tunes.
 It IS said that the very center of the earth is the only spot where one can be merry all the time, and the reason is that, as science tells us, everything there loses it's gravity.
 -" Gut glass bottles," in large letters, stares at us from the advertising pages of contemporary. Yes, young man, "cut glass bottles, especially if they have wine or spirits of any kind in them.
 Said railroad engineer to an Irish man whose COW had been killed: "But sue did'n get out of the way when rang the bell" Faith, thin" said Pat, "ye didn't sthop when she rang her bell, nayther."
 "A divine passing fashionable
 church, on which new spire was being
 erected, was asked how much higher 1t
 was to be. "Not much that congre-
 gation don't own very far in that direc-
 tion."
 Some people can even jest with
 misfortune, as was evinced last week by man who, when thrown out of his
 sleigh into heap of snow by the road
 side, said that he had lost his balance in the bank.
 } In struggling to make a dull -brained boy understand what conscience is, a ) teacher finally asked, "What makes you : feel uncomfortable after you have done wrong ?" "Father's leather strap, !" feelingly replied the boy. Resident gentleman to Town Crier "What @ horrid sound that bell of yours has, Walter you ought to have one with better tone." Walter (sar- castically)-"S Sir ! It's informashin l give the people, nae mewsik r --The man who strikes his wife and afterward repents and takes her to his , arms again can find but one song in the
 language with which to express his feel ings. It is the one which begins, "Come to my bosom, my own stricken dear" :~,. k<1b bsa en,, . "When you meet tho first floor, bow and take off your hat i; for the second, 3 uncover for the third, carry your hand to your head for the fourth, nod; for , the attic floor, let the lodger nod first. : Squire Go old butler)-" Pat, ye : old rascal, you've been at the whisky
 again can tell by the smell" Pat
 "Arrah, yer honor, if twas yerself that
 didn't know the smell of the whisky so we'll, it would be the betther for all av us." y She was trimming the lamps, and i just as wick dropped out of reach her B mother heard her exclaim, 70, the l. Dickens p "There there, my child 5 why will you indulge in such express '' sions ?" Then she fingered for the lost
 wick and exclaimed: ''Why, ma !! isn't . that natural suggestion of Pickwick ?' | The Season says that the late Dean :. Richmond once asked would-be dead. d head the grounds of his application fol ,- free pass. "Simply because dont want to pay" The testy old railroad D,- king at once handed him a pass, and ia said /: "Sir, respect you. You're the a first deadhead that ever told the truth. l. A lady taking tea at a small com tt pany, being very fond of hot rolls, wal e asked to have another. Really, lean y not" she modestIy replied; 1T don Q know how many have eaten already. a. "I do," unexpectedly cried luvenh' x- upstart, whose mother had allowed hin m Q seat at the table. "You've eaten eight l I've been countin' p " LOST Ills LIFE" Accidents vii o bop,,on O eavs +ha Mooresville IN C.