, 1879-12-08
Wit and Humor.

B
Sir Charles" shall like of all
things to see you in Parliament, Clar.
ley Son and heir" Well, sir, I don't
mind. I believe it's good eort of a
place; and then it's so handy to the
Aquarium. " Punch.
What is the meaning of back
bitter p asked gentleman at Sunday
school examination. This was puz-
zler. It went down the class until it
came to simple urchin, who said,
Perhaps it is Aea.'
The Atlcntic Monthly says that "a
Vassar young lady offers to wager that
she can sit down in one hundred laps
in one hundred quarter hours, and will
donate the admission receipt to the ed
ucation Of the heather"
Mr.. Pott Shot" See, Maria I've
shot better to-day than ever, and won
the first prize-this magnificent cup y
Wife with sympathetic alacrity -
''Oh, bother Another pot to keep
clean RI Funny Folks.
The gentlemen at dinner-table were
discussing the familiar line, IAN hon
est man is the noblest work of God,"
when q little son of the host spoke up
and said, d" 1t isn't true. My mothers
better'n n any man that was ever made" p"
The clergyman in certain town, as
the custom is, having published the
banns of matrimony between two per-
sons, was followed by the clerks read
ing the hymn beginning with these
words: "Deluded souls, that dream OF
heaven !"
Slow WoRK.-Two Quakers were re-
Gently married at Albany, after u
courtship of fifty years, which the New
York Commercial AdrertaSer calls slow
work. but still thinks it not best for
people to marry before they know their
own minds.
Elder Sister Ito little one, who ap-
peared to take great interest in Mr..
Skibbons) -" Come, little pet, it is
time your eyes we're shut in Sleep"
Little Pet" think not. Mother told
me- to keep my eyes open when you and
MIR. Skibbons were together"
First Boy with Basket" Is it here
ye gifts yer coal, Jimmy?" Second Boy
with Basket" Yis; it's here me sis
ter's living out this winter, and she
laves our coal out livery day. 1t is
handler than going to lot of barrels
before yez git yer basket full"
When q man sneaks into the house at
midnight. and tries to get into bed
without waking up the family, every
stair and floor board creaks like rusty
swinging sign in a gale; but burglar
can 90 through the same house as
noiselessly as floating zephyr.
A park policeman seeing a yellow
dog near two handsomely dressed
women, approaches respectfully and
says: docs this beauchiful little
creachure belong to you, ladies ?"
" Mercy, mol" Park Policeman diff
ing his cane)-" Get out o here, you
beast"
"Isn't yours perilous life?" asked
lady of railroad conductor. - Yes,'
he said, as he gently. persistently
charged her ten cents extra for not hav-
ing purchased ticket previous to en-
tering a car yes, it is perilous, but.
you see, none but the brave deserve the
fare p
Small Husband (who, whist his wife
is away in the country, asserts his au-
thority)- 1t comes to this. cook; am l
the master of this house. or am l not ?"
Cook" Well, sir, you precious we'll
amt when the missus is at home. y
[Judy.
A good lady who on the death of her
portrait of the former hanging in her
dining-room. One day q visitor, re-
marking on the paikting, asked: rs
that member of Jour family?" ooh,
that's my poor brother in law" was the
ingenious reply.
Old Tom Purdie, Sir Walter Scott's
favorite attendant, once said: YThem
are fine novels of yours, Sir Walter;
they are just invaluable to me- Il
am glad to hear it, Tom," returned the
novelist. " Yes, sir" said Tom; for
when have been out all day hard at
work. and come home tired, and take
up one of your novels. I'm asleep di-
rectly."
"Stop ze moozeek y shouted Prince
PerrinO, rushing frantlcally throuHn
the hall of his villa. "Zs partie he is
break up-one of re guests insolt my
wife ~ But before the ladies could get
their shawls tine Prince came running
back, saying: Never mind; you dance
plentee more. Eet is all right-ze gen.
teelman say he did not know it was my
wife r. Boston Traveller.
Prof. Granger Stewart, delivering
an address to the graduates in medicine
at the University of Edinburgh the
other day, told of practitioner who,
when asked forty years ago whether he
believed in phrenology, replied,
never kept it-he had q shop--and l
never use it, but think it highly prob
able that if given frequently, and in
liberal doses, it may be useful in lr-