St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1879-02-14
One of John Phenix's Jokes.

SAID Milford, ''GnaG uOnC OelleVe mas
ever been published practical joke,
of course. When Frank Pierce was
president, jeff Davis, then secretary of
war, issued a general invitation to Off
GERS of the army who were skillful
draughtsmen, to send in suggestions
for the new uniform which it had been
decided to adopt. One such invitation
was sent to each officer. Lieut.. Derby
was very ready with his pen-a really
ingenious artist. In reply he sent a
design for new unifOrm-Or rather d
peculiar addition to the old uniform
the amendment consisting merely of Il
ring attached to the seat of the trousers
of each private soldier. Each officer
was to carry, instead of a sword, long
pole, with a hook in the end, like IL
shepherds crook. The pole and the
ring enabled officers to keep privates
from running away in battle. Fugitives
could easily be caught by it and
brought back. Stragglers could be
kept i'll line. Moreover, the ring would
be very useful in the cavalry service to
fasten soldiers to the saddle to prevent
them from falling off, and in the artil
lery service the rings were to be used
for draught purposes in the absence of
mules. These specifications were ac-
companied by the most grotesque pic
lures, representing officers hauling back
cowardly recruits by the serviceable
ring, cavalry securely fastened to the
top of their steeds by the same device,
aud artillery men harnessed to cannon,
drawing them through narrow detiles,
or up an ACTIVITY inaccessible to mules
by cables attached to the pOsteriOr sta
piles. On another sheet of bristol board
was an illustration in gaudy colors of
'Derby's Rotary Mule Howitzer,' accom-
panied by the following description
Upon the back of Young and vigiIant
mule, strap mountain howitzer, the
muzzle pointing toward the tail. A
similar piece of ordnance is fastened
with iron bands under the animals alb
domen, the muZzle aimed between his
forelegs to the front. There are four
gunners-two TO each piece-and IL
"persuader," as he is called, whose bu-
sineSS it is to persuade the mule to
stand firm and not retreat, by stutfing
him with oats after each discharge.
with tin sausage stuffer. When In
dilns, or other legitimate game, appear
in view, the mule is. by crank move
mcnt on the tail, limbered to the front.
1t don't make any difference which
way the mule faces, (and here is where
my patent comes in), one gun is always
pointing toward The front At the COM
mand ''Firem the top howitzer is dis
The recoil throws the mule
on his back, bringing the second gun
into position. This is discharged, which
throws the mule to his feet
again, when the guuners swab cut the
mules throat with hay and reload
The accompanying illustrations lin |
brown, red, blue and gold, and still on
lille in the war Department., represented |
the rotary mule i'll seven different atti-
tudes, looking cOntented and happy all |
the time. This was felt TO he outra-
geous audacity Oh the part of a subal- |
tern. The clerks in the war depart |
ment laughed at the funny letter i'm
but their superiors looked |
serious. Jefferson Davis was terribly !
indignant, and resolved to defend his |
dignity. Charges and speci- |
ications We're drawn up against Lieut.. !
Derby, and the officers were actually !
named for his court martial when Mar |
y, "S'iSt"N vi StdtC, indn vi more
sense and self-poise, said to the irate
secretary: Now, see here, Gen. Davis
don't do it. This Derby has undoubt-
eddy Il supertiuous development of hui
NOR. But he is shrewd and ingenious
and really fine draughtsman. He has
qualities. You can organize
court that will convict him, but you
will be a butt of ridicule on account of
it all your life. Better file the sugges-
lions of the crook and ring and the live
Iy rotary mule and say nothing And
he did. Derby died (of suicide) a few
years afterward, but | think he saw the
inside of an insane asylum first.-Cor-
respondent Of Indianapolis Journal.