Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1879-11-17
MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.
HIS Response to the Toast "The Rabies.
at the Grant Banquet at Cktca0o.

link Tor mlnute-n you Will go back
fifty or hundred years, to Your early mar
ried life laughter and recontemplate
your first baby, you will remember that he
amounted to good deal, and even some
thing over. You soldiers all know that
when that little fellow arrived at family
you had to hand in your
resignation. Laughter. He took en-
tire command. You became his
lackey, his mere body -servant, and
-., YOU HAD TO STAND AROUND
too. He was not commander who made
allowances for time, distance, weather or
else-you had to execute his order,
whether it was possible or not. Laughter
And there was only one form of marching
in his manual of tactics, and that YVES the
double quick. He treated you with every
sort of insolence and disrespect, and the
bravest of you didn't dare to say word.
You could face the deathstorm of Donelson
and Vicksburg, and give back blow for blow
-[applause but when he clawed. your
whiskers, and pulled your hair, and twisted
your nose, you had to take it. Laughter.
When the thunders of war sounded in your
ears, you set your face to the batteries, and
advanced with steady tread; but when he
turned on the terrors of his warwhoops, you
advanced in the other direction laughter
mighty glad of the chance, too. When
he called for soothing syrup did you venture
to throw out -
ANY SIDE REMARKS
about certain services being unbecoming an
officer and gentleman? Laughter No!
You got up and got it. If he ordered his
pap.bottle, and it wasn't warm, did you talk
back? Not You! You went to work and
warmed it. You even descended 80 far in
your menlal Office as to take suck at that
warm, insipid stuff yourself, to see if it was
right three parts water to one of milk, 8
touch Of sugar to modify the collie, and q
drop of peppermint to kill those immortal
hiccoughs. can taste it yet. [Roars of
laughter.
And how many things you learned, as you
went along. Sentimental young folk still
took stock in that beautiful old saying, that
when the baby smiles in his sleep it is be-
cause the angels are whispering to him. Very
pretty, but 'too thin.' Laughter. Simply
wind on the stomach, my friends! If the
baby proposed to take walk at his usual
hour-half- past two In the morning-didn'
you rise up promptly and remark, with a
mental addition which wouldn't improve a
Sunday school book much, that that was the
very thing you were about to propose your
self Roars. Oh, you were under good
discipline! And, as you went fluttering up
aud down the room in your "undress uni
FORM" you not only prattled undignifed
baby talk, but you tuned up your martial
voice and tried to sing, "Rook-a-by, baby, in
the tree-top," for instance. What spec
ofSIo fNp 1E H."
of laughter. And what an affection for the
neighbors, too; for it isn't everybody within
mile around that likes military music at 3
keeping this sort of thing up two or three
hours, and your little velvet head intimated
that nothing suited him like exercise and
noise-"go on what did you do?
YOU SIMPLY WENT ON
till you dropped in the last ditch. TGreat
laughter. The i1ea that baby doesn't
amount to anything! Why one baby is just
house and front yard full by itself; one
baby can furnish more business than you
and your whole interior department can at
tend to; he is enterprising, irrepressible,
brim full of lawless activities: do what you
please, you can't make him stay on the res
ervation. Prolonged laughter. Sufficient
unto the day is one baby. AS long as you
are in your right mind, don't you ever pray
for twins. Roars of laughter and bushes
by Gen. Sheridan. Twins amount to per-
manent riot, and there amt any real differ
ence between trjplets and an instruction.
Laughter. Yes, it was high time for a
toastmaster to recognize the Importance of
the "Babies." Think what is in store for
IL THE PRESENT CROP
Fifty years hence We shall all be dead-I
trust then this f1ag,if it still survives
and let US hope it may-will be floating over
republic numbering two hundred million
souls, according to the settled laws of our in
crease; our present schooner of state will.
have grown into political leviathan-a
Great Eastern-and the Graded babies of to-
day will be on deck. Let them be we'll
trained, for we are going to leave big con-
tract on their hands. [Applause.] Among
the three or four million of cradles now
rocking in the land, are some which this ma
ton would preserve for ages az
sacred things if We could know which
ones they are. In one of these cradles
the unconscious Farragut of the future is
at this moment teething--think of it!-and
putting in world of dead earnest, inarticu-
lated, but perfectly justifable profanity over
it it, too, [laughter]; in another, the future
renowned astronomer is blinking at the
shining milky way with but q languid inter-
est, poor little chap, and wondering what
has become of that other one they call the
wet-nurse [laughter]; in another the future
great historian is lying-and doubtless he
will continue to "lie' till his earthly mission
is ended laughter; I'M another the future
President is busying himself with no pro-
founder problem of state than what the mis-
chief has beeome of his hair so early, and
in .. .... '..1.. -.
4 MIGHTY ARRAY OF OTHER CRADLES
there are now some sixty thousand future
ofice-seekers getting ready to furnish him
occasion to grapple with that same old prob
lem second time; and IN still one more
cradle, somewhere under the flag, the future
illustrious commander in chief of the Amer
lean armies is 80 little burdened With his an
grandeurs and responsibilities az
to be giving his whole strategic mind at this
to trying to find out some way to
get his own big toe into his mouth-Tlaueh-
ter AN achievement which-meaninp no
disrespect illustrious guest of this even
ing also turned his attention to some fifty-
BIZ years ago. And if the child is but the
prophecy OF the man, there are mighty few
who will doubt but that he succeeded. PRO
longed and uproarious laughter.
Chance to Organize a Partv.
Saltwater Gazette
The GLOBE thinks the Democrats of Hem
nepin county should organize a partv. We