The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1879-03-08
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
He is the only happy man in the world who ha:
learned to be content with what he has.
Who Mrs once to take kiss
Has Mr.. thing he should not Miss.
The most honest, efficient and disinterested
employee OF the government is the government
mule. "a = -l
Thompson calls his baby Macbeth, because
il murders sleep.
To English school boy-' Now, my son, how
is the earth divided ?'' '' By Disraeli, sir
Some graceless scribbIer declares that the
Marquis Of Lorne is the only man who ever swore
allegiance to his mother-in-law.
Marriage" says q cynic, Z" is like putting
your head into bag containing ninety-nine
snakes and one eel. You may get the eel, but
the chances are against you"
"Ez gineral thing" said John Quincess
last evening, IS L am down on puns, but apun
my word, I've allus considered blacksmith a
hose sure YOrkers IN. W Gazette.
Distinguished Divine Ito recent conUer).
- We propose to baptise you by the Turkish
bath method. It is really the only means to
scrub your years Of sins out OF you"
aAnzchaugc says: :" Alcohol will clean out
the inside Of an inkstand." 1t will also clean
out the inside Of pocketbook little more thor
Oughly and quickly than anything else on record
:. Angels on toast" Admiral Porter says,
in a recent article, " would not satisfy some OF
the people that growl about the navy"
The dairy maid pensiyeIy MIXED the goat,
And ponsing she paused to mutter:
81 wish, you brute, you would turn to milk, ,"
And the animal turned to butt her.
This Joke, considering that it comes from
scotland. is NOT bad: Why is Professor- the
greatest rsviyalTst OF the age? Because at the
end OF every sermon there Is great awakening
8. How do you feel when you have killed
man PROFESSIONALLY said doctor to an officer.
"Oh," responded the officer, as don't mind
it; but how do you feel under the same cir
cumstances, doctor ?''
AT funeral in Ireland the clergyman had
nok been informed OF the sex of the deceased.
He accordingly leaned over to the sexton and
said; a. Shall say " brother or sister here de-
parted ?'" 'It's neither, SIR whispered the
man; " shure, he was only an acquaintance.
Tho whole science of social economy is found
in these lines -
Well, while beggAr viii rail
And say there z no sin sia %; & g be .5is1 E,sh
10 say there is no vice but bessAry.
There is many man who prays feryently
not TO be led into temptation, and then goes
into it OF his own accord, expecting the Lord
to get him out
Not every Judge conIesses it, but great many
of them really do what the Dutch justice did
when he said SO shall dake dree days to
consider de points Of dis case, but shall even
tuaIly decide for de plaintiff"
If YOU have ever been pestered by book
neJlers YOU will be pleased with the following -
The editor Of the Hairkeys was asked if he was
the editor Of the " New American Eneyelopae-
dia?" His pithy reply was, " No, not exactly
the editor, bat We killed the canyasser, if that
is what you mean
learned clergyman 10 the State of Maine
was accosted in the following manner by an
ilIiterate preacher, who despised education
/" Sir, YOU have been to college, l suppose?"
Yes, sir" was the reply. &" am thankful,
rei1ined the former, s that the Lord has opened
nv mouth to preach without any learning"
- similar event. replied the clergyman,
50 took place in Balaam's time, but such things
are Of rare occurrence in the present day."
The average man will sit passive in barber's
chair and unmurmuringly submit to having his
countenance yeneered with soapsuds and thump-
ed with q Wad of hog bristles, but if his wife
should accidentally spatter him with dish
elout all the recording angels IN the land couldn't
do Justice to the remarks.
Science has given us many instances of strik-
ING resemblance between children of the same
mother. The old adage that nature never makes
two things exactly alike is, therefore, myth.
We heard the other day OF two brothers who
were so nearly alike that they frequently
borrowed money Of each other without know
ing it.
Do you think writes young student of
human economy, - do you think the human
race is decaying?-' Not at all-not at all. Part
of it isn't decaying because it is yet alive, and
the portion Of it that is dead doesL't decay be-
cause the medical student doesn't give 1t
chance Oh. my the human race was never,
in all ts history, well protected against decay
"a it IA ut present Be thankful that you live
In an age when the grave has been so shorn OF
ia mower that it can't hold a man so long as it
would hold spoonful Of quicksilver.-BlThHg-
ton Hagkeye-
The poets eye in q frenzy rolling
moth glance from heaven to earth, from earth
The heaven, thence TO the rhyming dictionary,
And as Imagination bodies forth
The forms OF things unknown, the poets pen
Turns them to shapes and gives to airy nothings
A local habitatiOn and n name
Then he takes it around 10 the editor,
saws be scratched is of in a hurry,
Rat that It win do to I'll up,
And gets kicked down stairs for his pains.
oil City Derrick.