River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1879-08-14

races, DuI UdfSmen never indulge IN urY
goods stores. This only proves that both
Try goods clerks and scullers have more
brains than they are generally credited
with.
Total Abstainer-"Oh. Shuffies, Shut
fies, intoxicated again. Do you know
the place where drunkards go to2" Shut
1es-"Course / do-lhic-the plas h
where they--(hic-cansh get mosh tor
their monish-(hic1."
Fish and mosquitoes" says the Albany
argus, 'have begun biting at Saratoga
lake" What has Saratoga lake done
that At should be bitten at9 Anyhow,
we had rather they would bite at the lake
than at us.
That was heavy prayer the minister
made this morning." said the deacon, as
he came out of the church last Sunday
Yes returned the sinner who was adj
dressed, ''yes-too heavy to rise very
high
There is truth III my remarks, yelled
out scolding wife to her suffering hus-
band, and he NEE ly answered, "I'll grant
all the truth there is in your remarks, if
you will only put fever remarks into
your truth.
"a little nonsense now and then,
Is relished by the best of men"
But with sllrfet Of the stuff,
We cry, in agony, "enoughm
And from the gods curse invoke,
On every second handed joke.
At our boarding house the fellows are
all in love with the landlady's daughter,
and. since the old lady heard that 'Hove
can level rank, she let's her daughter serv-
butter to the guests. Blu it doesn work.
THAT man is rich, said the conductor
'You know Ii M then9' said compan-
ion. so: but he groaned when he paid
his farel'' docs every rich man groan
when he pays his fair!' NO, but every
one who does groan is rich
With the advance Of spring every man
who is careful of his health will at least
turn his soces. HcGsegor Meas.
II do not want jackass scalp in my
belt" says Commissioner of Agriculture
lie Due. No, indeed, old fellow, it is far
better to carry it on the place here it
grows.--Bnf"lO EaprtSs.
When Richard J. Bright was made
sergeant-at-arms OF the United States
Senate, Dan Macauley, with a genial
swelling of the heart, that his friend had
succeeded in getting so good berth,
rushed to The telegraph office and sent
this:
II send you my congratulations for this happy
circumstance,
And so do my sisters and my cousins and my
aunts."
Mr.. Bright not being up in "Pinafore, :"
was much troubled IN mind and brought
the dispatch to well tnown Indianian,
then in Washington, for Interpretation.
II know Dams wife, said Mr.. Bright, 81
now his sister, but don't know these
other members Of his family. y Indtdn4-
p0t'S Ne~S
Cetewayo is drawing considerable of
the worlds attention at present. The
latest information we have about him is
that he is the husband Of 1000 wives.
The next i'll probably be that he has
Russianized his name into GetywayOtf.-
Louisville C0urter-JOurnoL.
No quarter-A twenty cent piece.
A man overheard: Ourself, by spring
poets Batttmofe Epery saturday.
T New Orleans Times says: ''Per
spiration is the cheapest luxury of the
pore"
We have heard of man Who keeps a
temperance hotel on a small scale. We
presume what he means is, that he buys
his gin by the quart-Tuner Falls Re
porter.
A thief is really a profound philoso-
pher and always candid thinker; that
is, he looks at everything in an abstract
way and if you reason with him, he is
open and liable to conviction.
In May when soft, warm breezes blow.
The masher, blithe and gay,
Blooms radiant in new spring suit,
His ulster fires away;
But when east winds blow cod and chill
His spirits get reduced.
He hastes to shoot the new spring suit
The ulster rules The roost-BoSton Post.
A pickpocket taken with his hand In
some one else's pocket, endeavored to in
vent all manner of Impossible eXplana
lions of the phenomenon. whats the
use of living about it so clumsily2" sal d
the magistrate, beneyolently; "haven't
you lawyer?"
This is the time of the year when the
boy who has accidentally changed shirts
with a companion, while enjoying the
surreptitious swim, tells his mother.
@hen she discovers the swap, that the
other boys mother took a ancy to his
shirt and borrowed it as a pattern to
make some shirts for her little boy. No
BILE, unselfish little fellow
If love and affection could be won
with gifts AMI Jewels, then indeed love
would have its price; but it is not SO.
Affection springs from the heart only
no gifts can produce it. A child S love
is won more truly by q parent fond en-
brace and iss than with glittering toys.
Mrs. Henry Ward Beecher advocates
the establishment of girls schools along |
the banks of the st. Johns river. 1t
wouldn't do. There IS such an absence |
of coachmen in Florida that poor girls |
would feel themselves obliged to run off |
with aligators. Bufdto ErDr So.
There is boy IN Kankakee so exceed
lngly bright that his mother is obliged |
to use pelce Of smoked glass when she |
looks at him.
A circular advocating summer resort
calls attention to numerous cosy seats in |
forked trees and elsewhere-some OF them
just large enough for two persons We
defy the production of an attraction that |
can go ahead of that We shall pass the
major part of the summer there.
Soft putty Is composed of flour, whiting
and raw linseed oil; hard putty, OF
whiting and boiled linseed oil; harder
putty, the same ingredients as the last,
with the addition of small quantity OF
for more quickly drying it:
hardest putty is composed of oil, red or
" lite lead and sand.
professor, is there any danger Of dis
turbing the magnetic currents if exam
inc that compass too closelyl7 And the
stern Professor, loving his little joke,
promptly responded, mo, sir, brass has
no effect whatever on them
Diptheria is pIeyalling TO remarkable
extent all over the world. In this coun-
try it has exhibited itself as malignant
from north, south, east, add west. 1t has
shown itself in nearly every country OF
Europe, and IN Russia Its ravages have
been more fatal even than plague This
disease, which rarely occurs except as ep-
ldemic, has only been known in this
country within the last twenty-five years,
except in the way Of occasional sporadic
cases.
A iayorite way OF wearing the bread
sash so popular at present is TO place it
around the waist 10 form belt. and to
lie ii carelcssIy on the eft side IN n LARGE