Litchfield enquirer., 1879-07-03

He IS Reportalre
 For he himself hath said it, And it ain't much to his credit, | That he is a Reportaire.
 He might have been preacher, # A doctor, or teacher,
 Or smart law-yi-e-ar!
 But in spite of all temptations, 8 T'indHlgein such recreations, F. He remains Reportaire.
 Life isn't long enough tp get used to New Engla2d weather.
 "Gemini :" shrieked tue father when nurse told him it was twins.
 A wife costs ten COWS in Zuuland. What can be the matter with the COWS!
 Necessity may be the mother of invention, but laziness is certainly the father of of it.
 We should think the roads leading out of Chicago could charge any price they pleased.
 When society reporter wishes to puff plain, vulgar girl he remarks that she is as beautiful as she is accomplished.
 This is the time of year when the sentimental youth names row-boat after his girl, and has it painted green. a'fFF -!
 A child without legs has just been born ''Thank heaven!" said the weeping father, 'this will never be champion pedestrian.
 It is estimated that ninety nine and half per cent. of the young girls who are wearing spectacies will die old maids-if they live long enough. (
 A New York detective has lost his position because he didn't know enough to mind his own business. He traced out criminal and arrested him. .sE
 We recently read of an actor who had pair of tights which were worth one hundred dol lars; but we know a man who paid twice as much as that for only one tight.
 There was once man in Louisiana who couldn't tell lie He was transient visitor exceedingly transient. TEey killed and scaped him three minutes after he reached the state.
 A tender hearted woman in Monroe county, Mich, has her daughter play on the melodeon while she wrings hens neck.-[ Detroit Free Press. Probably it makes the hen resigned to it's fate.
 It is reported that brand new comet has been dug up in the heavens by Professor Smith, of Rochester, but those people who fail to see it will of course say he can't comet over them. s.sz-
 Mamma" remarked an interesting infant of four, "where do you go when you die? ?" "One can't Dc quite certain, darling. How can mamma tell ? she las never died yet" "Yes, but haven't you studied geography"
 A Cleveland 'lady who has lately passed few weeks in Paris always refers to her ktcl- en girl as her lille de cuisine" Her son will insist on referring to the worthy domestic as our pot rassler" much to hi mothers horror but he hasn't had the benefit of fortnight in 'Paree."
 Scene-Hotel reading room. Gentleman: q beg your pardon, hut where in hell have seen you before, sir 7" Gentleman Qooking up from his paper) '1 am sure l can't tell What part of hell are you from, sir"
 A parshoner of Berkshire pastor was ask ed what the color of the parsons eyes was. He didn't really know, for" he said, ''when he prays his eyes are shut, and when he breaches generally shut mine." Il
 Some queer, crooked things were dug up in the Treasury yard at Washington the other day, and now they don't know whether they I are petrified signatures of Ex-Treasurer Spin ner that fell out of the window or lot of old sofa springs. -tt T
 "Did you see Baron X.'s horse fall on his jockey over that hurdle?" ''Oh, yes. The jockeys killed, but the horse is all right" "Yes, l know. It don't amount to anything; but the Baron must have been fearfully scar ed.'"
 A young man who went from Burlington to Leadville about six weeks ago writes cheerful ly back to his friends: "I have gained three pounds since came here, and gained It all in half ounce instalments. Haven't been shot in the head yet" A ..
 It is always the young man at the picnic whose rear suspender buttons are endowed with the weakest spinal column who is select ed by the young ladies to climb tree and put up a swing-provided young man with white trousers is not on the ground.
 A tramp on Main street this morning sadly but firmly repelled the accusation that he was not willing to work, but admitted that there hadn't been doing much at his business fer the past fourteen or fifteen years. He was bounty jumper.
 Such is the formidable antagonism of the sexes that a chance to give Roland for an Oliver is never lost 'tDon't you think that good lkeuess of ?" said wife to her small fraction of herself called her husband. I've y good" was the reply, ''eXcept that there is little tee much repose ab, Il. the mouth."
  doors )-''Now that's real kinder natera aint it? But what makes ye waste yer time on them darned old ellum trees? Ye'd ought to go right up back here onter Skinner's Hil where ye could see something sorter nterestin'
 the Town Hall, an the Baptis' meetin' house an the new brick High-skule.
 A young man having been requested at a dinner to reply to the timehonored toast of "Woman" closed his remarks with the famit- far quotation from Scott 70 woman, Tn our hours of ease, ,. Uncertain, coy and hard to please" | Here his memory failed hlm, but after little l hesitation he continued in triumph:
 'But seen too oft, familiar with her face,
 We first endure, then pity, then embrace" |
 A conductor on local road saw lady friend, a sweet-looking young girl, onhis train | and stopped for a moment to chat win her. He | leaned on the arm of the seat in front, occu- pied by a near sighted, rather deaf old maid with cork screw curls. The conductor hadn't | spoken more than two words before the occu- pant of the front seat yelled in voice that sounded through the car like base drum: 'sYeung man, if you want to flirt with Il e you've got to speak louder" A large number of high-toned potato bugs and burgesses left town this morning on foot bound for more congcnial cline. A gray headed and cross s-eyed bug explained as they started off that they didn't object so much to being washed down with lye, or fed with drugs while as to the matter of clubbing they ex- pected that once in while on general princi- pies, but when it came to frost every two or three days they proposed to shake the dust of New England from their claws and go where more reliance could be placed on the weather. They couldn't stand the climate.
 About 10 c, o'clock in the morning, recently, two men met on Sixth street and began threat | ening and calling each other names One finally called the other a liar, and the two were about to grapple when woman opened the | door and said tslxentlemen are xnn ahont Id