The Carbon advocate. [volume] (Lehighton, Pa.) 1872-1924, 1879-07-05
MARK TWAIN AS A PHEsIDEN-
TIAI CANDIDATE.

This is the way in which Mark Twain
once announced himself as a candidate for
Presidents
al have pretty much made up my mind
10 run for President. What the country
wants is candidate who cannot bo injured
by investigation of his past history, SO that
the enemies of the party will be unable to
rake up anything against him that nobody
ever heard of before. If you know the worst
about a candidate. to begin with, every at
tempt to spring thingson him will be check
mated. Now am going TO enter the field
with an open record am going to own
up in advance to all the wickedness have
done, and if any Congressional committee is
disposed to prowl around my biography in
the hope of discovering any dark and dead
ly deed that have seereted, VIZ - it
prowl
ain the first place. | admit that treed
rheumatic grandfather of mine in the win
/ ter of 1850. lie was old and inexpert in
climbing trees, but with the heartless bru-
tality that is characteristic Of me ran him
out of the front door in his night.shirt at the
point of a shotgun, and caused him to bowl
up maple tree, where he remained all
night, while etnpted shot into his legs. |
did this because he snored. | will do ii
again il ever have another grandfather. |
am as nhuman now as | was in 1850.
acknowledge that ran away at the battle
of Gettysburg, My friends have tried to
smooth over this fact by asserting that did
so for the purpose of initiating Washington,
who went into the woods at Valley Forge
for the purpose OF saying his prayers. 1t
was a miserable subterluge. l struck out in
A straight line for the Tropic Of Cancer be-
cause was scared. l wanted my country
saved, but preferred to have somebody else
save it. entertain that preference yet. If
the bubble reputation can be obtained only
at the cannons mouth, ana willing to go
there for it, provided the cannon is empty.
If it is loaded my immortal and inflexible
purpose is to get over the fence and go home,
My inyariable practice in war has been to
bring out of every fight two-thirds more
men than when | went in. This seems to
me to be Napoleonlc in its grandeur
"My final views are of the most decided
character, but they are not likely, perhaps,t to
increase my popularity with the advocates Of
initiation. do not insist upon the special
supremacy Of rag money or hard money.
The great fundamental principle Of :::.r ~
is to take any kind can get.
"The rumor that buried a dead aunt un-
der my grapevine was correct. The vine
needed fertiizing, my aunt had to be buried
and dedicated her to this high purpose
Does that unfit me for the Presidency? Tho
Constitution of our country does not say so
No other citizen was ever considered un
worthy of this Office because he enriched hi
f grapevines with his dead relatives Why
| should be aelected as the first victim of al
! absurd prejudice?
, 81 admit also that am not a friend Of tn,
e poor man. regard the poor man, in hi
5 present condition, as so much wasted raw
' material. Cut up and properly canned, b.
! might be made useful to fatten the native
t Of the cannbal islands and to improve on
+ export trade with that region. shall re
4 commend legislation upon the subject in m.
:. first message. My campaign cry will be
S 'Dosccate the poor workingman stuff hin
c into sausages.'
c "These are about the worst parts of m
= record. On them come before the country
u If my country don't want me, ! will go bac
At again. But recommend my myself as
a safe man a man who starts from the basi
n of total depravity and proposes to be fendis
y to the last"