Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1879-04-11
F. u II :.

JOSH BILLINGS PHILOsoPHY.--The
philosophy ov the monkey will outlast the
philosophy ov the sage; if Solomon was on
earth to-day, and wouldn't put on the cap
and bells, he couldn't get twenty dollars
week for writing proverbs.
Young man, saw wood, she'll beans, tend
a guideboard at the forks ov sum kuntry
road. do ennything almost except to steal.
rather than undertake to liv hi yure wits;
nine men out ov ten who undertake to iiv
bi their wits are no better off than lost
dog.
1t takes very smart man to be suk-
cessful phool.
Whiskey il responsible for sum patriot
ism. mulch poetry, and more pauperlsm.
Man is a kritter ov habits, and biz glory
liz that he controls them-and biz disgrace
il that they control him.
I was the football ov most men and
most things for thirty years CIV my life.
then one day sot down and sed-lf emmy
man ever beats me agin he haz to be mean
er than am; am proud to say that hav
been doing good fair paying dizziness
ever since.
1 envy the man who can talk three hun
bred and sixty-ive days in year on one
subjekt, and think he il original and in
teresting all the time; but don t want to
be a sun-in-law ov one oY these kind ov
people.
Young man, the citizens ov the world
are watching yu, not SO mulch to see yu
reach the top ov the ladder as to see yu
fall off, and perhaps sprain your ankle.
It IL eazy enuff to git along with our en-
emies, to manage friend requires mulch
pashunce and skill.
It il often the case that the shrewdest
men are unable to advise others at all kor-
rectly.
Thare are multitudes ov people now liv-
ing who are anxious to prove that and 2
makes 5, and am astonished to kno that
thare are full as menny who are az anx-
ious to beleave it.
A medical journal advises it's readers
mot to yell when frightened as it only in
creases terror; keep control of yourselves.
and do something to calm your nerves."
That's the doctrine. If you 6ndth house
is on fire, don't jump up and yell loud
enough to bring all the fire companies from
the neighboring towns to thespot: but just
sit down quietly, take up a last years al
manac and read it through. By the time
YOU finish it, you will perceive there is no
necessity for yelling, as the fire will either
have gone out or the house burned down.
ssNow, Children" said Sunday school
supcrintendent, who had been talking to
his scholars about good people, when I'm
walking in the street, speak to some per
sons meet, and 1 don't speak to other;
and what's the reason?" He expected the
reply would be, s'Because some are good
and others are bad;" but, to his disctmht-
ure, the general shout was, because some
are rich and others are poor"
The Burlington 'sHawkeye" says: ''The
women in Kansas vote at the school cleo
tions. At recent election in Usage city
one woman went up to vote, but before
she got through telling the judges what
time her Willie had with the scarlet fever
when he was only two years old, it was
time to close the polls and she had forgot
to deposit her ball0t.'
A gentleman having occasion to praise a
kind-hearted Irish woman for her good
deeds, said to her: "Well, Kate, if there Is
a heaven in the next world you will get to
it.'' AS quick as lightning came the reply.
with all the heartiness of the race: ''God
bless We, Mr. P. An shure, if dc
I'll lave the gate open for yOu.o
s'Ma, has aunty got bees in her mouth?''
ssNo; why do you ask such question:
ssCause that leetle man with heap of hail
on his face cotched hold of her and said
he was going to take the honey from he1
lips: and she said. well, make hasteH'
An old gentleman has just died in Hi
nois who has held the Office of postmaster
ina small town for more than thirty years.
He said he thought he might have worried
through another summer if their hadn It
been SO many postal cards to read.
sMama,'' said wicked youngster, lam
canoe?" mo, child; why do you ask?''
''Oh, because you say you ike to see peo-
pie paddle their own canoe, and l didn't
know but was maybe yours" Tableau.
lsThe first shall be last" Little boy;
s.Mama, what relation is auntie's new ba-
nv to me?'' Mama: "Your first cousin
dear" Little boy: well, ma, who is my
last cousin?"
An attorney having died in poor circum.
stances, one of his friends observed that he
had left few effects. 'That is not much to
he wondered ats said another, ''for he
had but few causes"
Some men are lika popcorn, as long as
shey keep cool they can conceal what's in
them, but whenever they get right bot they
surn wrong side out. tf
An unsuccessful lover was asked by What
means he had lost his divinity. "Alas!" be
cried, 81 battered her until she was too
proud to speak to me-,
Provident Minister wish to tate that
I have procured an alarm-clock that will
wake up the congregation as soon as the
services are over.
Little boy. at the, opening of a proposed
spelling mateh-'sL start fair, grand
mother. You take Acknowledgement and
I'll take fcat.'"
4sThat settles it," as the eggshell said to
the coffee.