Saint Mary's beacon. [volume] (Leonard Town, Md.) 1867-1983, 1879-11-27
Mark rvaia's Teas. Upon Babies.

Last week the Army Of the Tennes-
see participated in a banquet at the
Palmer House. Among the toasts was
humorous response OF Mark Twain to
the toast Of "The Babies" II was
greeted on all sides with laughter, and
caused considerable merriment. He
sand:
Babies as they comfort us in our
sorrow. let Us not forget them in our
festivities. Laughter. We haven't all
had the good fortune to be ladies'.
Laughter We haven't all been gen.
erals or poets or statesmen, but when
toasts work down TO babies, We stand
on common ground for we have all been
there, for we have all been babies.
Laughter and applause. It's a shame
that for thousands of years the worlds
banquets have utterly ignored the baby,
as IL he didn't amount 10 anything.
"If you gentlemen will stop and think
a minute, if you wall 90 back fifty or
one hundred years TO our early married
life laughter, and contemplate your
first baby, you will remember that he
amounted 10 good deal and even some
thing over. You soldiers all know
when that little fellow arrived at fami-
ly headquarters you had to hand in your
resignation. Laughter. He took en-
tire command, you became his lsckey.
his mere body-servant, and you had TO
stand around, too. He was not COM
mander who made allowance for time,
distance, weather or anything else. You
had 10 execute his order whether il was
possible or not, laughter |, and there
was only one form of marching in his
manual of taciIcs. and that was double
quick. He treated you with every sort
of insolence and disrespect and the bra
vest of YOU didn't dare to say a word.
"You could face death at the storm
ing of Donelson and Vicksburg, and
give back blow for blow. Applause. !
But when he clawed your whskers
and pulled your hair and twisted your
nose you had to take it. Laughter.
When the thunders Of war were sound
ing in your ears you set your face to-
ward batteries and advanced with steady
tread, but when he turned on the ter
rors of hrs warhoops you advanced IN
the other direction laughter Nigh
ty glad Of the chance, too. When he
called for soothing syrup did you
venture service unbecoming an OFF,
Ger and a gentleman Laughter.
No, you got up and got il. If he or
dered bis pap bottle did you talk back 7
No, you went to work and warmed IT,.
You even descended so far in your me-
NAL Office as to take sup at that warm,
insipid stuff yourself, to see il it was
right-three parts water to one OF milk,
a touch Of sugar to modify collie, and a
drop Of peppermint 10 kill the immortal
hiccoughs. can taste il yet. Roars
Of laughter.1
"And how many things you learned
as YOU went alongl Sentimental young
folks still take stock IN that beautiful
old saying that when baby smiles in
his sleep it is because the angels are
whispering to him. Very pretty, but
too thin. Laugh.er.r Simply wind
on the stomach. My friends, if the
baby proposed to take walk at his US
ual hour at half-past two in the morn
ing didn't you rise up prompt and re-
mark, with > mental addition which
wouldn't improve Sunday-school book
much, that II was the very thing YOU
were abou. to propose yourself. Oh.
yes, you were under good discipline.
and YOU went futtering up and down
the room in your undress uniform. Ycu
not only praitled undigniied baby talk.
but you tuned up your martial voice and
tried to sing 'Rock-a-by baby in the
tree-top,' for instance.
"w6at a spectacle for the Army oil
the Tennessee roars Of laughter :
and what affection for neighbOrs. too,
for il isn't everybody within q mile that
likes military music at 3o'clock in the
morningI When you had been keeping
this sort ofthing up two or three hours,
and your little velvet had intimated
that nothing suited him like exercise
and noise, go on did you says He
simply went on, It'll you dropped into
the ditch. [Greai laughter.
"The idea tha, . baby don't amount
to anythIngl Why. one baby is just :
house and front yard by itself. IL one
baby can't furnish more business than
you and your whole interior department
can attend 70. He IS most enterprising,
irrepressible, brimfal OF lawless activl-
ties. Do what you please, you can't
make him stay on his reservation.
Prolonged laughter.l Sufficient unto
the day Is one baby. As long as You
are in your right mind don't you ever
pray for twins. Roars oflsEghter and
il.a.. a. nan.--l Chnr;danl Tsrsn .