The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1879-07-12


whisky by taking his bier.
Sandwich, according to the Sheridan N'NS'"'-
,,y celebrated the 4th with mammoth poster
When asked to enter go.as.you- please race
he said he would 90 on the cars
Pride coeth before a fall, but a great deal OF
had language cometh after it.
Pigs like prates; cows like squash;
But we like beer-wc DO by gosh
-OH city Derrick
Rrass masses for gold in Africa, and, by the
way it does here too.-BgtaIo E'p'eSs'
The DAYS are growing shorter and its getting
cool, or oughtcr.- Boston Transcript
oTbere's a woman at the bottom OF it, as the
man said when his wife fell in the well.
"stage struck" remarked the toad when run
over by an omnibus wheel.
There's no place like Chicago, says the Joo:
nal. And deuced lucky thing 1t is too'-bW-
tGo Er.
Eli Perkins is in the Indian country. The
sayages would have raised his hair but they
knew it was false
Now the swell in style arrayed
Goeth forth to promenade,
But willis meath the fervor OF the
sunbeam's glance,
And so do his collar and his jacket
and his pants.
What is an island? 4 body surrounded by
water. Give an example. boy in swimming.
The Hebrew word ''abaddon" means the angel
Of the bottomless pit Well, of course he's a
bad 'un.
But will not Inger on this point as the
. preacher said when he sat down on carpet
tack
"a fellow feeling makes US wondrous kind"
But a fellow feeling for our pocket book makes
us wondrous mad.
We should think the roads leading out OF Chi
cago could charge any prices they pleased-BSs-
ton Post.
To change window glass to tin: Leave the
window open when il rains, and 1t VIII beat IN
Alta Californian.
oh" she said, II think soda water is soda
Hcious." He took the hint and soda dime on
the harvest field Of love.
More people should die on Saturday than any
other day; it's the recognized end of the weak.
The result Of the recent college boat races does
not speak well for the winters ha study.
All" sand the fly as ii crawled around the bot
tie, u have passed through the Matching age,
and now ! am in the mucilage and" there il
stuck.
In the vegetable race who ever saw the tomato
ketchup?-BOstGa Jorndl Of Commerce. Nobody
the cabbage is always head.-AWord Ners. jus,
so, and the cabbage can never be beet
He stood on Afric's burning sands,
nd mi cd nm Hottentot and kaftir.
He said "I'm safe;" and rubbed his hands,
When, 10, there stood Photographer!
The opinion is rapidly gaming ground among
the more conservative Republicans that Mr.
HAYES has put his foot in it.. He did it with hi
little V-toes
A very sad expose has just been made in New
Orleans. 4 handsome, swectly-dressed, refined
and altogether captivating young man, who ha'
been dancing with half the bellies Of that city
turns out to be cook
Twas q black. and-tan dog on the o. & NJ. track
And no thought of danger had he,
AS he sat there and gazed on the landscape around
And scratched an occasional flea.
Twenty four was the engine--remorseless as fate
With the engineers hand on the lever,
Came down on that dog like tramp on a pie,
And his bark was stranded forever.
School Superintendent Mann, Of San Francis
co, makes this weighty expression in an oflicia
report: Providence has wisely ordained that In
the family the parents, the natural guardians and
instructors Of children, shall be Of diiferen,
sexes"
A Colorado man astonishes people by walking
on the water while q Texas man probably a new
conner astonlshes people by drinking water
Wonders never cease.
Georgia has developed poet OF the coored
persuasion-an ebony warbler, as it wcre-whc
strikes his banjo and sings:
" De big sunfower may rise above
De modest 'tater vine,
And brag about its Sunday clothes,
An put on airs so fine;
But when de winter howls around,
An the snow lies at de doah,
De biz sunflower, oh! whar am he
De later hez de iloah."
The clam-chow Ter man on the Norristown
HcrdH remarks: 1.-THE idea of Prof. Swift get.
ting out OF bed at o'clock A. VI. TO 20 hunting
for new planets! And when he captures one lac
can't sell II for fifteen cents. There is more
money in clans"
An Albany girl was frightened into convul.
eions by brass band and died. Usually the re.
suits OF such infections are not fatal, but tend To
produce bad language and sometimes insanity
Boston Post
The following touching obituary was not com
posed by the gifted mortuary poet Of the Pha
delphia Ld9r, but it is freely at his service:
He needed not his mothers warning,
Our Bobby dear and naughty too,
For he went out on Monday morning
And ate green apples quite q slew:
That night he sckened, and the doctor
Gave HIM pint Of castor oil,
But Bobby yelled just like a Choctaw,
And shufiied off this mortal coil
The following testimonial Of q certain patent
medicine sneaks for itself. "Dear Sir-Twl