Butler citizen. [volume] (Butler, Pa.) 1877-1922, 1879-12-17
MARK TWAIN on BABIES.
The following is Mark Twain's r

| ut SulcdpO, WHICH Was llt uuHiol ou-
event of the occasion The fifteenth
and last regular toast was The Ba-
| bes-As they comfort Us in our sor-
rows. let us not forget them in our
festivities :" and to this Samuel l..
Clemens responded. He said:
like that. We have not all had the
good fortune TO be ladies. We have
not all been Generals, or poets or
statesmen, but when the toast works
down to the babies, We stand on COM
mon ground laughter for we have all
been babies. Renewed laughter It
is a shame that for thousand years
the worlds banquets have utterly ig-
nored the baby laughter as if it
didn't amount to anything. Laugh
ter. If you will stop and think a
minute; if you will 90 back fifty or
one hundred years to your early mar
ried life laughter and recontemplate
your first baby, you will remember
that he amounted to good deal, and
even something over. Roarsl You
soldiers all know that when the little
fellow arrived at family headquarters
you had to hand in your resignation.
Laughter He took entire command.
You became his lackey his mere body
servant, laughter and you had to
stand around, too. Renewed laugh
ter) He was not commander who
made allowance for time, distance,
weather or anything else. Convulsive
screams You had to execute his
order whether it was possible or not
roars and there was only one form of
marching in his manual of tactics, and
that was the double quick Shouts.
He treated you with every sort of in
science and disrespect, laughter and
the bravest of you didn't dare say a
word. Great laughter You could
face the death storm of Donaldson and
Vicksburg, and gave back blow for
blow, but when he clawed your whis-
kcrs, pulled your hair and twisted
your nose, you had to take it. Roars.
When the thundcrs of war were sound
ing in your ears you set your faces
toward the batteries and advanced
with steady tread, but when he turned
on the terrors of his war-whoop laugh
ter you advanced in the other direc-
tion, and mighty glad of the chance,
too. Renewed laughter. When he
called for soothing syrup did you ven
ture to throw out any side remarks
about certain services being unbecom-
ing an officer and a gentleman Bois-
ferrous laughter No, you got up and
got it. Great laughter. When he
ordered his pap bottle" and it was
not warm, did you talk back? Laugh
ter. Not you. Renewed laughter.
You went to work and warmed it.
[Shouts. You even descended so far
in your mental Office as to take suck
at that warm, insipid stuff, laughter
just to see if it was right, three parts
water to one of milk, tumultuous
laughter touch of sugar to modify
the collie, laughter and a drop of
peppermint to kill those immortal hic-
coughs. y Roars. | can taste that
stuff. Laughter And how many
things you learned as you went along.
Sentimental young folks still take stock
in that beautiful old saying, that when
the baby smiles it is because the angels
are whispering to him. Very pretty,
but too thin; simply wind on the
stomach, my friends. Shouts. If
the baby proposes to take walk at
his usual hour, two O'Clock in the
morning, laughter didn't you rise up
promptly and remark, with a mental
addition, which would not improve a
Sunday School book much, laughter
that that was the very thing you were
about to propose yourself. Great
roars. Oh, you were under good dis
cipline, laughter and as you went
pattering up and down the room in an
undress uniform laughter you not
only prattled undignified baby-talk, but
even tuned up your martial voices and
tried to lung "Rock-a-by, Baby, in the
tree-top," for instance. Great laugh
ter. What spectacle for an army OF
the Tennessee laughter and what
an affliction for the neighbors, too, for
it is not everybody within mile
around that likes military music at
three O'Clock in the morning Laugh
ter And when you had been keeping
this thing up two or three hours, and
your little velvet head intimated that
nothing suited him like exercise and
noise, Tlaughter-"Go on what did
you do? You simply went on until
you dropped in the last ditch. Laugh.
ter. The idea that baby doesn't
amount to anything! Why, the baby
is just a house and front yard full by
itself. Laughter. One baby can
furnish more business than you and
your whole Interior Department can
attend to. Laughter. He is enter
prising, irrepressible, brim full of law.
less activities. Laughter. Do what
you please, you can't make him stay
on the Reservation. Great shouts.
Sufficient unto the day is one lately
| Laughter. AS long as you are in
your right mind, don't you ever pray
for twins. Laughter Mr. Clemens
is the father of pair Twins amount
to a permanent riot, laughter and
amt any real difference between trip.
lets and an insurrection. Uproarous
shouts Yes, it was high time for a
toast to the masses to recognize the
importance of the babies. Laughter.
Think what is in store for the present
crop, fifty years from now. We shall
all be dead, ] trust, laughter and
then this flag, if it still survives, and
let us hope it may, will be floating over
a Republic numbering 100000, ,O00
souls, according to the settled laws Of
our increase. Our present schooner Of
State laughter will have grown into
a political leviathan-a Great Eastern
The cradled babies of to-day will be
ON deck-let them be well trained fol