The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1879-09-27
WIT AND UUMOR.

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TIE following arc some of the mean
ings attached to precious stones :-Dia-
mond, innocence; ruby, forgetfulness
of and exemption from the vexations
caused by friendship and love; sap
phire, acceptance; amethyst, SINGER
est; garnet, constancy; topaz, fidelity !;
turquoise, prosperity; opal, hope !;
bloodstone, courage; agate, health and
long life; cornelian, contentcd mind {;
sardonyx, conjugal felicity; chrysolite,
antidote against madness. Malchite Is
not precious stone, but its color,
green, signifies hope.
VICToR Hugo was talking about age,
and confessed, In a charming humOr,
that the most disagreeable advance to
him was from thirty-nine to forty.
ooh, that terrible forty!" he said:
"But," remarked some one, "l should
than fifty" "Not at ALL" replied
Hugo, "forty years is the old age Of
youth, while fifty years is the youth Of
old age"
AN English showman's version of
tho story Of King Darius, Daniel and
the lions was as follows "At him.
says the king. we won't says the
lions. 'At him again. says the king.
'Blowcd if we WILL says the lions
which was a sell for the great King
Darius, and very veXatious."
lr Is very extraordinary, but it is
neve rtheless quite true, that it was the
first pair that ate the first apple. Why,
and this, now, is really a tirst-class AL
cOnundrum: Why arc Cashmere shawls
like deaf people ?-Don't you sec, be-
cause you can't make them here.
Get out yourself!
BIG stories are booming in about the
man who eats between three hundred
and four hundred clans at the clam
bake. Oil City has man who eats
over three Or four barrels at one time,
and never moves n button. lie leans
over them while he eats out OF the
farthcSt barrel.
~ wELL-KNowN minister rcputliates
the received theory that there is music
In heaven. He declares that his choir
has given him so much trouble on earth
that the idea Of music in the world to
come is wholly repugnant to his ideas
Of eternal peace and rest.
-e
THE man who bored the first oil well
is still alive and residing ut Bcthlem,
Penn. The man who bored the
first editor went to his grave years ago,
"unwept, unhonorcd, and unhung."
The man who could not find words
enough to express his gratitude will be
pleased to hear that the new edition of
Wcbstcr's Dictionary, just published,
contains five thousand new words.
The woman who put her tongue to q
hot Hat iron to see if it was hot, now
sits camly and sees her husband pull
of his dirty boots on the parlor carpet,
without q word Of dissent.
AN exchange thinks the time will
certainly come when men will go fly
ing through the air. And so do we.
1t will come when three or four men
handle a keg of nitro-glyccrine rs n
baggage smasher handles trunk.
AN old miscr, who was notorious for
sclf-denial, was one day asked why he
was so thin. CT do not know" said
the miser; "I have tried various means
for getting fatter but without success. )"
"Have you over tried victuals ?" in
quired his friend.
SHE wanted the appropriation bills
passed with a prOgiso that he, she and
the children were all to go to Saratoga /;
but he vetoed it and they went to the
country with their Issues.
-----
~ MAN who isn't sea-sick on pro-
peller in a heavy sea could stand being
barrelcd up and rolled up and dowIs
hill all day on the Fourth of July, to
please people from the country.
Miss Sallie Root, of Reading, refused
all food for over two weeks. She
wanted to be put under the ground
which Is the natural place for roots.
1T is folly to pay forty cents for a
sheet of music when you can go to
church and get it by the choir for
nothing.
MosT Of the ministers are at the
watering places, and the sinners, as a
rule are also there wa tching them.
The weakest spot on earth Is a man s
stomach after he has eaten two-thirds
of a gay and festive watermelon.
IT Is the quality Of the music that
makes 1t necessary to chain the monkey
to the hand organ.
81 LIKE to make sponge cake" she
said, innocently; cit makes my hands
so clean"
TO dead hog-Such is the aspect OF
this boar; tits grease, but living grease
no more.
WICKED FOR CLERGYMEN--"I believe
1t to be all wrong and even wicked fol
clergymen or other public men to be
led into giving testimonials to quack