Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1879-01-24
GOSSIP OF THE DAY,

l
| ing expedition across the room, he can look
under the bureau for it without resorting to
| the dangerous and unsatisfactory expedlent
of laying glass kerosene lamp down on its
side on the floor. That is, if the impress
sion We have received is correct, that the
electric light makes ali light and no shadow.
Huntington Hawkeye.
| The philosopher of the New Orleans Picdy-
,ne expresses the belief that ''if bank Off
Ger would look at burglar with bag of
tools as severely as he does at an honest man
viii a small note, many robberies might be
| prevented"
A retired army officer had not attended
divine service for years. On his return to
the fold, the first lesson for the day COM
menced thus And Joseph was brought
down to Egypt , and Potiphar, an officer of
Pharaoh, captain of the guard, etc. What r
exclaimed our military frlenu, "a eap.Ain
still Why he WAS captain when L last
heard of him, years ago. thought he'd
surely have got his promotion before this"
Mary, do not approve of your enter
tanning your sweetheart in the kitchen, said
q lady TO her servant. "Well, mean, it's
very kind of you to mention it but he's
from the country, you see. ma'am, and I'm
afraid he's too shy and awkward in his man
ners, mvan, for you to like him to come into
the parlor, replied Mary.
A Rockland man gave a vest into his wiie's
hands to be repaired, and when he came
home to dinner she showed him three pencil
stubs, a piece of chalk, four watch keys,
nineteen matches, six pants and four coat
buttons, receipt for making milk punch,
buckle, II blank lottery ticket, small hand
full of cloves, part OF a roll of lozenges, three
seat coupons TO last winters lecture pok-
er chip and chew of gum that had slipped
down into the lining OF the vest through a
hole in the pocket. 1t was the most start |
ling disclosure the Rockland man had seen |
since he read the cipher dispatches. = Rock |
land Courier.
Some of our plodding readers may like to
peruse the following curious variations of
the well-known line frem Grays "Elegy,
"The ploughman homeward plods his weary |
way"
The weary ploughman homeward plods his way.
The weary ploughmsn plods his homeward way.
The homeward plou gilman plOds his weary way.
The homeuard ploushnsn. weary, plods his way.
The homsvard, weary, ploughman plods his way.
The weary, homeward plough plods his way.
Homeward the weary ploughman plods his way,
Honeward, weary, the plou ghman plods his way.
Homeward the poughman piods his weary way.
HomswArd the ploug gilman, weary, plocs his way.
Weary, the honeward pl oughman plods mis- way.
Weary, homeward the ploughEan plods his way.
The ploughman plods his hCmeward weary way.
The plou. hnan plods his weary homeward way.
lhe plOuglman hOmeWArd, weary plOGs his way.
The ploughman, weary, homeward piods his way,
The ploushman, weary plods his homewsrd way.
A lady named Mary Magui-ah
Had trouble in lighting her a-ah
The wood being green,
She used kerosene-i
pause. lhcn continued solemnly.)
She has gone where the fuel ID dry-ah.
A Detroit restaurateur who hangs out o |
sign labelled Free chops, shows the loaf |
ers an axe and woodpie when they come |
In.
An art critic going into a gallery in a |
state of mild lnebrlatlon to critlcise some |
pictures, sees himself in glass, and taking |
out his note book, writes as follows: First |
room head of drunkard no signature has |
a great deal of character red nose remark
ably truthful. Must be portrait from life
think I've seen that face somewhere"
Are you the saleswoman of whom l |
bought this handkerchief yesterday" asked |
IL purchaser at one of our dry goods stores.
81 am the saleslady who served you. madam"
responded the reduced empress in banged |
hair, long watch chain and ringed fingers,
who presided at the counter. well, said |
the customer, II will take q dozen more,
and as ] wish to get them to my washerlady |
at once l will get you to send them to my
carriage around the corner. My coach |
gentleman cannot get TO the door Just now |
TOR the cart OF the asbgentleman."
"And did you ever the likes of it 2"
she calls out she around the corner
after policeman What the trouble now? 2"
he asked. why, first the house caught fire
then our boy William broke his leg thea
our boy Thomas got in jail, and then my hus-
band began to fail in health" Anything |
more-is he dead z" Not dead, sir /; but |
lie might as well be. The doctor was around
yesterday. and gave him something to bright
en- his appetite, and he is this minute smash
ing the cook stove because he's as hungry as
a bear and we haven't even cold potato in
the house ! I'd like to have the doctor ar
rested, sir
"William," observed Milwaukee woman
to her husband, Mrs Holcomb feels pretty
badly now, since the loss of her child, and l
wish you would drop over there and see her.
You might say, that all flesh is grass that |
we've all got to go the Same way ; and see if
she is going to use her dripping-pan this
afternoon"
NONSENSE FROM PARIS PAPERS.
well, dear, what did you learn at school
this week r "Oh mamma, darling, such
stupid, stupid things that | never want to
think of them again ~
Opinion Of restaurant-keeper on pre-
serving the buildings of the Exposition
"oh blow the buildings What they ought
to keep is the visitors"
Hi ! Cabby, where in tie world are you
driving to 2 Exposition. But, you con-
centrated idiot, don't you know it's closed 2"
80 much the worse One can't change his
habits in a day
In the midst of a quarrel-'I dent know
what keeps me from breaking your head ~
We'll, know what keeps me from breaking
yours. I'm n member Of the Society for the
Prevention of Cruelty to Animals -
NJ. A-has been rudely guilty of a mo-
mentary forgettulness of Nine. B, in
whose boudoir he is sitting Come, do
you want me to make my apologies with my
head bowed down III the dust 7" Mime b
(sourly) In the dust That's sweetly
cOmplitneutary n my nOuseleepinu ~