The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1879-01-09
A Wife Who is Seldom Mt Home.
fBr Max Adeler.I

When tue pedQIer rang MI. Dlru
door-bell, the other day, Mr.. Bird him
self opened the door. Mr.. Bird had the
baby upon his arm, and there were four
other children at his heels.
Is the lady of the house in?" asked
the peddler. f' So 4est es' $50 s.H9
"UertainIy she .isn't!" replied Mr..
Bird. b".aShe is out. She is perennially
and eternally out!' ey;f, s.a a.7.,-.
"+Where can see her p" -,
"Why, go down to the Woman Suf-
frage Club Rooms, and if she is not
there, go to the Society4for the Preven-
tion of Cruelty to Animals, and if she
has left there, visit the hall of the asso-
citation for. alleviating the miseries of
the Senegambians, aud if she has fin
ished up there, look. for her at. the
church aid society, or at the Ninth Ward
Soup House, or at the home of the one-
legged, OR at the refuge for infirm dogs,
or at the hospital for the ,asthmatic, or
at the ST. PoIycarp Orphan Asylum, or
at some of those places II you get on
her trail you'll see more paupers, and
strong-minded women, and under-cloth-
ing for the heather than you ever saw
in the whole course of your life
wanted to sell her cold-handle
fat-iron, Just out. Do you think she
will buy oneW 5sf4aa .TsigcEG Il rem
)" She will if you can prove that the
naked cannibals in Senegambia are
yearning for cold-handled fat-irons.
She would buv diamond breast-pins for
those niggers if they wanted them, 1
believe. IL s5 soisars;d -ia5 : - so0A
q intended also to. offer her new
kind of immoyable hair-pin, which
"All right you just go down to the
home for the one-legged, and persuade
those cripples to cry. for immovable
| hair-pins, and she'll order 'em 3 by the
| TOM 55t..su .s.ssgs Il. vz..a..-.f adj
Has she any children p. -.
Well, I'm the one that appears to
have 'em; Just now, anyhow" Az. -
" Because / have a gum-top for feed
ling-bottle; this is the INCEST thing you
ever saw" l-etg.E s.,, s-5-eos.is
| "Now,p said Mr.. Bird, I'll tell you
| what you do You get those paupers to
| swear they can't eat the soup they get
! at the soup-house with spoons, but they
must have it from a bottle with rub
| Der nozzle, and Mrs. Bird will kee p you
so busy supplying the demand that you
won't have chance to sleep. You just
try it. Buy up the paupersl Bribe
4 'emr krz zs,s5a ssfS $50 at
/" How'll I know her if see herp
| "Why, she's a large woman, with 9
bent nose, and she talks all the time
| You'll hear her talking as soon as you
get within mile her.. She'll ask yot
/ o subscribe to the Senegambian Fund
and to the Asthmathic Asylum. before
you can get, your breath. :, Probably
she'll read you four or five letters from
| reformed cannibals. But don't you
mind 'em.a My opinion is she wrote ZEN
herself" sstsas4s ess assis a.sssgs Vi sol
| s"Shall I tell her you told me to cal
upon her p ss;v sifs r.sss s.s.a,.i.,sas
1t don't make any difference, Blu
| you might mention that since she lef
home the baby has had four fits, Johnn,
has fallen out of the pear tree ant
cracked his skull, Mary and Jim boil
have something like Group, and Tomm.
! has been bitten by Jones's dog. 1t won
excite her; she won't care cent; bu
I'd like her to have the latest news
Tell her if she can manage to drop il
here for minute between now and tn
, Fourth of July, she might maybe was
. the baby and give the other children
chance to remember how she looki
! But she needn't come if it will interfer
with the happiness of the oDe-legge
, mendicants, or MARE her asthmati
patients miserable. Mind and mentio
it to her now, willyouP' ds aetH
will. nsaa 4ySEzsl ssi a,sss4s
"All right, then. I'll go in and pr
!. . some fresh sticking-plaster on Johnny
skull"
}. And with the baby singing vocife
8 Gus solo, and the other children clin
r ing to his legs, Mr.. Bird retreated an
n shut the door. The peddler had dete
s mined to propose to a girl that nigh
n He changed his mind, and resolved
IS remain bachelor. aba .5..rh.s...