The weekly miner. [volume] (Butte, Mont.) 1878-1881, 1879-12-16
BAGSHOTS' ASSISTANT.
The Trials Of a COnfiding Newspaper
Editor.

Colonel Bagshot runs a weekly newspaper
called the Union, upin Chodunk. Recently
the Colonel was called away to New York on
business, leaving the paper in the hands of an
assistant, who had been in his employ some
little time.
Now the Colonel knew that said assistant
had the cheek of a brass statue and the auda-
city of a New Highlander, both indispensable
attributes of the newspaper man but still,
after being in the city about a week, he began
to get a little uneasy and telegraphed to Cho-
dunk: elbow is things?"
"Bully! Circulation of the old things gone
up a thusand. Been getting up a red hot pa
per, and there's a gang outside that are weep
ing because they can't hoist the shingles off
the roof, and knock the whole concern to
thunder. Stay away as long as you like.'
Bagshot didn't wait a moment after receiv-
ing this encouraging dispatch.
He started on the first train and reached
Chodunk before night.
The first man that struck him was the ticket
agent.
"Look here, Colonel!''' cried he, excitedly;
"I've a darn good notion to punch your head,
you brazen-faced old liar"
"Why? ?" asked Bagshot.
"Read that" and the ticket agent showed a
crumpled Onion into his hand.
There was a telegram, marked, reading as
follows:
"RAILRoAD NEws.-The bandy-legged i'd
lot who robs the railroad at this village has
purchased a new pocket knife. More knock
ing down from the cash drawer"
Bagshot bit his lips.
"Bill," said he, sthat's a ~calulnny, and I'll
see that it is righted in our next. It's my GUS
sed assistants work."
"Don't care whose work it u.s." growled the
GRANT &C hIf ,T r. oi MI aNpf odiofnl cor,al,o6v5S
got to die, that's ALL"
Bagshot didn't reply, but sailed down the
street to the Union office.
He had not got half a block before he col
lided with Deacon Marsh.
The deacon seized him by the shoulder and
exclaimed
"What do you mean, Bagshot, by insert
ing, that scandalously untrue item about
"Didnt insert any item,'' replied the Col
onel.
"Don't sneak out of 1t that way. You
know you did. Why, I just cut it out of the
Union-listen:
RELIGIOUS INTELLIGENCE.-That whited
sepulcher, late on Saturday night, tried to
open the coal hole in front of his residence
with his night key. The deacon was as full
as a goat, and couldn't tell moonshine from
green cheese.
"Now that's nice, amt it, saying that l
was intoxicated Saturday night, when l went
to bed at seven with a raging toothache."
"It's that reckless fool who l left in
Charge groaned the Colonel. "rll make it
all right, Marsh,' and Bagshot hurried OH
again, only to be again confronted by Major
Blim.
The Major clutched him by the collar.
Colonel" uttered Blim in his deepest
voice, "this is infamous. It's my intention
to call you out and shoot you through the
heart. What the deuce do you mean by pub
fishing this note in the Union?
MAJOR BL1M.-Major Blim, the battered
old beggar, who hid in an oyster barrel during
the battle of Bulls Run, wears a wig. He
ought to be shot in the back with a baked
apple" ...a..
81 can't help it, Blim. It's all through al
lowing that young devil into the Office. He
has made a red-hot paper. Just wait, Major,
and III fix things" N4
Then Bagshot started again for the office.
Ay the postoffice old Parker grabbed him.
ooh, you unfeeling ghoul," walled Parker,
"yOu ought to be rode on a rail. The idea
of making fun of my poor dead child"
"How?"
"How! Have you the cheek to ask how?
Maybe you didn't shove this into the Union,
did you, you heartless old hypocrite
%oBITUBRY.
Little Benny Parker
Had a stomach pain,
Rhubarb and epicac,
Both were in vain,
He kicked the golden bucket,
His parents hearts are sore;
They'll plant him Tomorrow,
AT a quarter of four.
Of course, Bagshot had to explain and
promise the bereaved father a two column
notice of the dead Benny's many virtues.
Hardly had he done so before young Cooley
appeared.
Colonel Bagshot," announced he, '.you're
a lying scoundrel. This is a nee, lying thing
to put in your blackguard sheet about a young
lady,
SOCIETY lTEM.-MiSs Cooley, the old bag
on South street, waltZes around in a patent
hustle in the hope OF catching a fellow. But
she can't, not even if she puts paint OF twice
as thick as she does now
But Basshot did not stop TO hear it all. +
He flew across the square and into the
Union office like a fash. +
No one was there. That able assistant
editor, warned by friends unknown, had de-
parted forever. Lying Oh the desk was ai
Union, folded so that this notice caught
Bagshot's eye:
"LITERARY MEN.-Tie baldlIeaded ole
saipe who pretenGS 10 run this paper has gone
10 New FORK. We expect to hear every
moment OF his ,huteitce 10 Sing Siu2 Tor arsoi
0rhighwaS robbery. The citizens OF Choduul
should congratulate themselves il the Colonel
does not disgrace this village by being huns
for inilnliride.'
Bagsllot never intends 10 employ anu1he
assistant editor, and journalists In search ut
situation will :ind it ttHt!tIN O. keep avail
from him. #