The Wellington enterprise. [volume] (Wellington, Ohio) 1867-188?, 1879-04-17
Hunting for Burglars.

Of late several burglaries have beer
committed in the neighborhood in which
Mr.. James Simpson lives, and, of course
the folks are not u little alarmed. Ii
Simpsons row alone enough fire arms ant
ammunition have been collected to con
duct very fair sized war with Mexico
and Simpson, particularly, has bought 8
whole armory of weapons and loaded them
10 the muzz'e. Simpsons brother-in-law
George Washington Budd, commonly
known as Wash, lived with him, and fol
weeks past Wash, upon going to bed, has
made such a preparation and display ol
various kinds of engines of destruction
that a looker-on might have concluded
that his purpose was to conduct kind OF
battle of Gettysburg on his own RESPONSE
bility.
The other night Wash, after recapping
all his revolvers, running his thumb along
the edge of his broadsword, halfcocked
his gun, and laying his bOwie-knife on the
chair, thought he heard q burglar prowl.
ing about down stairs. Buckling on his
artillery. Wash, in his stocking feet crept
down the back staircase determined to an
nihilate the thief
/ Simpson hesrd the noise at the same
moment, and he, thinking Wash WIS in
bed asleep, loaded mp his machinery of
death and crept softly down the front
i
| Both reached the first floor at the same
moment. They stopped and listened.
Wash thought he heard the burglars in
the parlor. Simpson felt sure the rascal
was in the dining room pOcketing the
spoons. So while Wash trod noisclessly
frontwards Simpson stepped stealthily to
the rear. Midway in the hall they came
into collision. Each felt perfectly certain
that the other was the burglar.
/ Ii, -.,l, L.. ,et -,
stantly. Simpson knew that death strug-
gle had begun, 50 he took hold with all
his might. Neither had a chance to draw
his weapons.
Wash struggled to throw his burglar
down, and Simpson, perceiving the game
made a huge effort to prostrate Wash.
rhey pushed, and pulled, and jerked, and
showed, and painted, humping up against
the wall. kicking up the carpet and max
ing such hubbub that Mrs. Simpson, up
stairs in her room, and afraid TO come out,
lifted up her voice and screamed with
awful vehemence.
After a fearful and desperate struggle,
during which Wash had his coat turn to
rags and couple of handfuls of hair
pulled out, and Simpson had his nose
jammed up against the wall until it felt rs
if it had swelled to the size of a water
melon, Wash let go a moment 10 get his
breath. Thereupon Simpson made rush
for the front door quietly, in the dark, and
Wash, pretty we'll scared and tired of war,
dashed off up the back stairs, resolved to
go and see why Simpson didn't come and
help wipe that burglar out. -I...
As Simpson got to the landing, he saw
Wash's, form by the dim light OF the bath
room, in the back entry.
"Who's thaty' shouted Simpson, ner-
vously, feeling for his revolver.
Me, WASH" replied his 5rother-in-law.
Simpson went to him, and said:
Thunder and lightning, Wash, why
didn't you come soonerg'
Sooner! Why, where have you been
I've had the most awful time you ever
heard of
"So've l." replied Simpson. There's
burglar in the hou e, and I've been tear
ing him to pieces"
You don't say SO! Why, my gracious,
I've had fight with one, too; and think
1 laid him out"
"You did? Whcre%'
why, down stairs there, in the front
entry"
Mot in the entry. you don't mean?"
"Yes," said Wash, in the entry. "Near-
Iy banged the head off of him. Where
was your MANI"
"Why, in the entry, too. Queer didn't
hear youw
at is queer" replied Wash; because l
hammered his nose against a chair until
it must be mashed flat"
Whose noseg"
"Thc burglars; and he tore my coat to
rags, and pretty near scalped me-"
"Who did ~
"The burglar"
Simpson was silent a minute, and then
he said:
"Come in here to the light"
They entered the bath room, and Wash
looked at Simpson, and Simpson looked
at Wash.
"Wash" =" said Simpson.
"What ?" said Wash.
"Wash, you're the biggest idiot i'm the
state. Hang me if don't believe you've
been fighting with me! Look at my nose"
"Noi you don't say? Did you pull out
your burglars hair, and splinter up his
coa" ~
"I'm afraid did," said Simpson.
"Mr. Simpson," said Wash. calmly, if
there is a bigger ass on the continent than
/ am, think 1 can lay my hand on the
man; party by the name of Jim Simp-
son."
Just at this moment Mrs. Simpson flew
from her room, down the hallway, and
into the bathroom. where she fell on her
knees, clasped her hands, and shriekcd:
''Saye me, Jamcsi oh, save mel Wash
ington, save me! save me! Don't let me
be murtlercdi Dcn'ti don'ti oh, dontr'
Simpson looked sheepishly at Wash,
and then, without saying a word, he
seized Mrs. Simpson by the arm, ran her
over to her bed room, and slammed the
door. Then George Washington Budd
went sadly up stairs, disgorged his muir
dcrOus apparatus locked his bowie in his
trunk, and went to bed.
Both combatants swore secrecy; but
Simpson couldn't help telling his wife,
and she spread it of course, and here it is.