The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1879-10-23
HUMOROUS.

A CONDUCTOR OF Il Western train saw
the bell rope jerk one night last week,
and the train soon came to stop.
Rushing out to the engine he found tho
engineer, who wanted to know why
the signal to stop was given, and just
then the bel! in the cab rang again.
Rushing back through the train, the
conductor reached the sleeping car,
where he saw young grccnlooking
fcllow pulling Justify OIL the rope. AS
the conductor came up The young man
said, $50 you've come ut last. l've
been ringing for the last fifteen min
utcs. Bring me II lemonade with Il
dash Of whisky i'm it, and bring me Il
pitcher Of hot wator." "Pll pitch you
out of The window if you pull that cord
again." yelled the cnragcd conductor.
The young man didn't know what
trouble he had caused until he gave
the porter Il quarter to give him the
name of the waiter who had insultcu
him, so he could be reported to the
landlord Of the sleeping car.
TIE WAITER CAUGHT IIIM.-When
they serve you brandy in Paris it IS
brought in Il little caraife marked off on
the sides so rs to show exactly how
many glasses arc taken out. When
you come tOpay, the garcon has only
to look at the caraife and the amount
remaining tells how much has been
used. This gave an 49,, ,niOus gentle
man an idea. lie void drink three
pctits vcrrcs and then p.ur in water so
that 1t would appev nc had but one.
Tie thought hobody obsc rvcd the mean
trick.
After two or three davs this CUSTOM
CT found the brandy very feeble, and
he called the garcon.
"Garcon,' he said, s,what is the
matter with this brandy ?''
'It is the same, SIR"
"Fhat cannot be. Day before yes
tcrday it was delicious, to-day it is
hardly stronger than water"
81 have the honor to inform Mon
sicur that it is not only the same BRAN
dy, but that l have carefully given
Monsieur every day the same bottle.
ENpECTANCY.-A belatcd pedestrian
going up Fort street cast at Il late hour
the other night thought he observed
figure crouching in tho latticed porch
covering front door. The matter had
4 suspicious look, and he halted and
looked over the fence,
"Go on now 20 called the voice of a
female through the gloom.
"Do you live thcrc?" inquired the
man.
"Indccd do.''
'Can't you get in 20
"lndccu | can.''
"Wcll, what arc YOU waiting for 2"
he asked after pause.
"What for?" she demanded. "Would
Il respectable woman be crooked over
here at this hour Of The night with
club III her hand if she didn't cXpect
her husband every blessed minute? ?"
n MINIATURE NILLAIN.-Therc is Il
miniature villain in town. lie is red
headed small boy. The other day he
had just the wind he wanted, and call
ing on the near-sightcd boy over the
way, he tempted him into the yard,
edged behind him, dcXtcrously rcmov-
ed and sccrctcd his head-gear, and
then had the fun of seeing him chase
Il black hen all around, thinking it was
his cap.
Two A[cridcn men are in trouble
over the ownership of a ladder, and are
taking steps for lawsuit. The result
of this will be that ono lawyer Will
get the sides AMI the other lawyer will
get the rounds, leaving the holes to
the lltigants.
lT WAS an unfortunate mistake of the
c0mpositor to put under the headline,
"Rcduclion in the price of gas" the
statement that Mr.. - receives only
fifty dollars for lecture now, instead
OF hundred, as formerly.
MFTRoPoLITAN Railway station.
Swell, in taking his change, drops
pcnny-looksa at it wistfully, but leaves
1t. British Workman pouncing on it,
to bystandcr). "Thcrc, that's what
call a perfect gentleman !"
GRANDPArA: "Nhat on earth is the
matter with you Tommy? You have
been crying all the morning." "Tommy
$50 would you cry, too, grandpapa, if
you fell down twice without getting
up once"
PHILADELPHIA lawyer married q
boarding house keeper to cancel Il
board bill, but it now turns up that
there is an uncancelcd marriage with
another woman, which will got the
thriftlcss attorney into trouble.
Or course employers and employees
can never agree while there Is stri-
kiDg difference between them.