The Hillsdale standard. [volume] (Hillsdale, Mich.) 1851-1909, 1879-08-26
Wit and HnmOr.

Turing the autumn gales the volume
Ga nature is full Of hy-leaves.
The bachelor has to look ont for num-
ber one-the married man for number
two.
"Very good, but rather too pointed"
as the fish said when it swallowed the
bait
Husbands are probably the most i'll
used of all classes of persons-except
| wives.
The right thing in the wrong place isa
! Iove-letter written on mourning sheet
of paper.
In the march Of life, don't heed the
order of fright about" when you know
you are about right.
1t isn't enough that men and women
should be of the true metal they should
also be well tempered.
Why is an invalid cured by sea-bath-
| ing like a confined criminal? Because
| he is sea-cured (secured).
DEPRAvED TAsTR-The small gentle
man who INDUCED so freely in biting
sarcasm, has taken TO swallowing afronts.
"How are you to-day" inquired a
doctor of his patient. "A little better,
thank you" Have you taken any din,
ner to-dayg' Yes, a little goose
with appetizer "No sir, with sauce"
A COMMON CAsE.-"Silence-keep si-
lence in court !" said an angry judge.
Here we have judged a dozen cases this
morning, and j have not heard one or
them" Justice was blind as well as
| deaf
A newspaper reporter says Of very
elegant female pick kpocket: "She rarely
speaks to any one; is always quiet, gen.
| tie, smiling, and genteel-comes like a
sunbeam, and like il, steals noiselessly
away"
"You would be very pretty indeed"
said a gentleman, patronizingly, 10 a
young lady, "if your eyes were only a
| little larger" "My eyes are very small,
sir, but such people as you don't fill
them
"Do you think" asked Mrs. Pepper,
rather sharply, that little temper is a
| bad thing in a woman {" Certainly
not, ma'am," replied the gallant philoso-
pher; "it is good thing, and she ought
never 10 lose IT,"
A barrister, noted for his absence Of
mind, was once witnessing the represen-
tation of Macbeth and o. he witch's
replying 10 the Thames inquiry, that
they were "doing a deed without a
name" catching the sound Of the words
| he started up, exclaiming, to the aston
ishment of the audience. a deed
without name! Why, it's void; it's
not worth sixpence."
From the son of prominent states-
man in Washington 10 q pretty girl:
Our HOUSE, April 81, 1873. = DEAR
| MISs-I want you to come around 10 our
| house if you can't get anybody to come
| around to your house and fetch you
around TO our house / will come around
10 your house and fetch you around TO
our house. Respectfully, etc.
There was a little fellow who knew
| Mother Goose better than he knew his
| bible. One Sunday he was asked in his
class, "Who were thrown into the fiery
| furnaceY That was too much for him.
| The question was passed; the answer
came promptly, "Shadrach, Meshaeh,
and Abednegob This was mortifica-
| ton TO the little fellow; and when the
next question came, "Who put them in?"
ne answered with jump, Little Johnny
Greenw
Miss Bella, do you sing that exquisite
little ballad entitled, Darling, Kiss my
Evelids Down." Bella gave kick like
a mule whirled around upon the piano
stool. and replied: "No, Gawge, but you
ius. bet your shirt | can get away with
Sweetness, Wipe your Little Snout.'
'Ifs n rattler :" and while Bella got
away" with the song he got away"
| from the house. He goes 10 see another
girl that amt so full Of life and didnr
graduate at the female high scho0a.
Bella sits in the parlor now and paws
IVORY all alone.
This is n boy's composition on girls
but ne evidently had a mans head on
his young shoulders. What he learned
by shrewd observation others have
| learned 10y experience. He says: Girls
Is the only folks that J as their own way
every time. Girls is of several thousand
kind, and sometimes one girl can be like
several thousand other giEs If she wants
! 10 do anything This is all know about
girls, and father says the less know
about them the better of i am."
"A boy called to see General Vance.
lie modestly communicated his wishes
| To the doorkeeper. "Have you a card
sirY' he grufIiy growled. Cards" said
the boy, thOughtfully, mechanically
| running his hand in the rear pockets OF
his coat, "No, sir, I don't carry EN-"
"Where are you FROM inquired tho
doorkeeper. North Carolina" was the
prompt answer. "Well, how do you DO
In North Carolina when people so
visiting" "Why they ride up 10 a
fellows fence and holler TO him 10 tie
his dog, and they gets down and goes
in" was the laconic reply.
Before she could utter the "Where
have YOU been till this hour Of the
morning anyhow" which was tremb-
ling on her lips, he said, "Bin tther
mnd-rcadi': bet you 81 | can read yer
mind this very minnit." well, Won
old fool, what am thinking Of nowT'
she said in tone Of sadness. Think
ing Of Why, can read yer mind like
thcr open pages Of 'er book yer think
in I'm drunken'r billed owl hut yer
never was worse fooled in Yer life"
She only said that there must be some
thing in mind-readng after all, for he
had hit the nail right square on tho
head.
| Can YOU cure my eyesg' said a man
IN Dr. Brown. Yes" said the doctor,
"if YOU will follow my prescription"
20 certainly, doctor" said the patient.
III will do anything 90 have my eyes
cured. "What Is your remedy, doctorp
"You must steal a horse" said the doe
tor. very soberly. "Stcal horse. doctor"
sail the patient In amazement. how will
that cure nv ewes 7' ''lou viii be sent
10 State prison for five years, where you
could not get whiskey, and during your
incarceration your ewes would get we'll
said the doctor The patient looked
somewhat credulous, bnt h did not
adopt the doctors remedy.
"A few drops Of harishorn put into a
little water will clean hair-brush better
than any thing else, and does the brush
no harm. IL very dirty, rub a little soap
on the brush. After cleaning rinse in
clear water and hang the brush ~ ~
the window 90 dry. DO not LET the
bristles rest on any hard substance while
wof N IL better 10 tie n string round