The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1879-02-20
"After the show broke, Mr.. Guzzler

what did you do? 2"
Why, then I went into the cham
pien business. That was two years
ago come Decoration,Day. Since then
have ct seventy-two matches, and
lost only two of 'em."
"Lost, did you? ?"
"Yes, sir. Pm 'shamed to tell it,
but lost 'em. 'Twaren't fair, how
ever-'twaren't by fair means. First
time had to knock under was up in
Vigo county. My competitor ware
feller who had no fine pints of honor
about him, an him and his hackers set
it up on me-"
How so?'
Why, the derned rascal bribed the
contractor who furnished the pies.
They were to be dried apple pies. Well
sir, the apples in his pies had been
cooked and swelled afore they were
baked. Some way or mother they sue
ceeded in putting my apples into the
crust just as they cum out of the bag.
You can guess the rest"
"Not exactly" we urged.
wall, while 1 was corrallin' the
sixth pie them blamed apples I had al
ready overcome began to soak and
swell into me. Then, Mister, I had to
cease further operations and tried fruit
swellin' up under my waistband like
bubbles from a pipe. They kept a
swellin' and swellin' till thought I'd
heve to git cut open."
But you didn't"
"No, didn't. After they had in
flated to their full capacity, 1 found I
had breathin' room left, but thet was
about all. My heart was pushed away
to one side, and had to thump and do
duty off in one corner for half day."
Marrow escape 2" we suggested.
marrow escape? Well, 1 should
say so. One more of them id con-
tracted pies would have blown my
head right off my shoulders like a
busted biler."
"And your second defeat /"
"Cum about in this wise. That was
up in Grant county. My component
didn't try no dried-apple dodge on me
not much. It wouldn't hev been
healthy eff he had. But it was my own
fault. had told my baker to hev the
pies ready sure at the appointed hour
when we were to start. Well, he had
'em ready-too red-dy."
Guzzler smiled at the pun, and then
suddenly WINGED and sucked in a
mouthful of cool cir as he seemed to
recollect something.
"Them pies had just come from the
oven, and were SO hot they would
have melted stone. The hour was at
hand, however, and must either eat
'em or lose the match. Well, sir, there
never was nothing wouldn't attempt
and charged"
enlarged ?"
"Yes, sir; I attempted to carry 'em
by storm. It was just awful. Talk
about your Chicago fire. Twern't no
comparison"
Guzzler picked up his hat and tried
to fan away the recollection before he
continued.
II didn't get through the contract
They tell me it was an awful sight
while it lasted. The smell that rolled
out of my mouth was like burnt crack.
lings. The tears poured down my
cheeks, fell on the pie. and were turned
into steam till my face was scalded
like a hog on the outside, and I couldn't
see two inches before my eyes. kept
it up till tainted"
tainted ?"
"Well, yes, might as we'll own up
I tainted. But, stranger, if you had
seen the inside of my mouth durin'
the two months was in the hospital
you wouldn't have wondered that I
tainted. tell you, Mister, the doctor
said the roof of my mouth got SO hot
that it cooked the lower globe of my
brain. He wanted to cut my head
open and amputate the cooked globe
but I said hadn't t any to spare, cooked
or raw"
"Then you lost the match ?''
"Lost the match! Well, reckon
did and cen almost lost my derned
head in the bargain. claimed foul
on the other fellow, but the refugee
wouldn't low it. He said if I didn'l
know when it got too warm for me he
guessed I'd have to smoke"
Mr.. Guzzler appeared to have finish
ed his "reminiscences, for he UNFINISHED
his legs, poised his hat on his scorcheG
Uranium, stood up pretty much as 8
telescope is drawn out, and rendered III
the following challenge for publication
To ALL WHO 1T MAY DISCERN:
hearbuy chaleng emmy man (or wum
men) in the us. black, white or yalleI
between the ages of six and sixty tt
etc pize with me. Sed Pie to be Nv
standard materiale Nv equel sighs with
tn krussts and All inch NV insides
Steaks To Bee hundred s up.
CHAMPION GUZZLER,
Posey Co. Ind.
P. s. Pie to be cold. P. p. S. bride
aDnel niZs. hard C. g.