davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
Sheriff,s Sale of Real Estate.
State of Ohio, Jackson County, SIS.
Court of Common Pleas.

0ldIe OF OulO, jackson County, IS.
Court of Common Pleas.
Home Building and Loan Association VS.. Sam
ual A. Zaneis et al.
On order of sale.
Notice is hereby given that in pursuance of
an order of sale issued out of said Court, on the
9th day of October, A ID. 1879, and to me direct
ed as Special Master Commissioner, will offer
for sale at public auction, at the door of the
Court House in jackson, in said county, on
Saturday, November go, A. ID. 1879,
at O'Clock P. NJ, the following described real
estate, situated in the county of jackson and
State of Ohio, to-wit:
Being part of in lot No. in the town of
Jackson, and bounded and described as follows:
Beginning at point on Church street fifty feet
north from the southwest corner of said in lot,
thence north along Church street thirty-six and
one-half $3.50 feet, more or less, to the GEN.
ter of the west line of said in lot, thence east
parallel with Main street across said in lot,
thence south along the east line of said in lot
parallel with Church street to point fifty feet
from the southeast corner of said in lot, thence
west parallel with Main street to the place of
beginning. This description is on the hypoth-
es1s that Main street runs east and west.
Appraised at $6S3.33.
Terms of sale, cash on day of sale.
TO be sold as the property of s. A. Zaneis, to
satisfy judgment and decree in favor of the
Home b. q l.. Association.
Given under my hand this 28th day of Octo-
Der, 1879. Z. T. JONES, Sheriff.
and Special Master Commissioner.
j. W. Longbon, atty for pPf. oct30-5w
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
CONNECTIONS.

At COLUMBUS with Pittsburgh, Cincinnati q
st. Louis R'y, for Philadelphia, Baltimore,
Washington and New York.
For Chicago, Indianapolis and st. Louis and
all western points.
For CINCINNATI, Dayton and points on Little
Miami Division.
With Baltimore Ohio R. R., for Chicago, Bal
timore, Washington, Newark and GAINESVILLE.
With Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati & In
dianapolis R'y, for Delaware iCleveland, Buff
falo and points North.
With Columbus & Toledo R. R.. for Delaware
Toledo, Detroit and the West
With Columbus, Springfield & Cincinnati r. r.
for London, Springfield, Sandusky and Gin
With Cleveland, Mt. Vernon & Columbus R. R.
for Cleveland and Mt. Vernon.
AT C1RCLEVILLE with G. M. ". R'y, for
Lancaster, GAINESVILLE, Washington G. H., and
Wilmington, Ohio.
AT CHILLICOTHE with M. & C. R. R. for Ham
den, Athens, Cincinnati and intermediate
AT WAVERLY with s., J. & P. r. R. for Jack
son.
ATPORTSMOUTH with Ohio River Steamers
for Ironton, Pomeroy, Gallipolis Maysville
and Huntington; connecting at Huntington
with Chesapeake and Ohio Railway for Char
louisville, Gordonsville and Richmond Va.
GEO. CHANDLER, q. T. Ag't.
j. b. PETERS, Supt.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
Sheriff's Sale of Real Estate.

Notice is hereby given, that in pursuance of
an order OF sale issued out of said Court, on the
Zoth day OF October, A. ID. 1879, and to me di-
rected as Special Master Commissioner, will
oHer Tor sale at public auction, at the door of
the Court House in Jackson, in said county, on
Saturday, November goth. A. ID. s79,
al one o'clock P. M, the following described
real estate, situated in the county of Jackson
and State of Ohio, to-wit:
Part of in lot number ninety (90), in the town
OF Jackson, described as follows Beginning at
the north east corner of said in lot, thence
south along the line of Broadway street q feet,
thence west parallel with Pearl street II feet
ana inches, thence north parallel with Broad
way street Il feet to Pearl street. thence east
along the line of Pearl Street II feet inches to
the place of beginning. This description is on
west. 1t is also agreed and understood that
this conveyance of said part of said in lot shall
include the privilege and use of an S-foot alley
on the west side thereof, located by Harvey
wells for the convenience of the premises on
either side thereof. 1t is also further under
stood and agreed that the aforesaid grantors
hereby reserve the privilege and use of any
wall or walls on the south side of any building
or buildings hereafter to be erected on the south
line of said in lot.
Also the easteriy half of in lot number 40 in
the town of Jackson.
First described tract appraised at 81 900
=Second described tract appraised at S3S3.33.
Terms of sale, cash on day of sale.
To be sold as the property of John d. Mitchell
cree in favor of the Home Building and Loan
Association.
Given under my hand this 28th Cay of Octo-
Der, A. ID. 1879. EFT. JONES,
Shift and Special Master Commissioner.
]. w. Longbon, atty. oct3Ot5t
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
WellStOn Items.

Report has it that trains on the d. & S.
E. will begin running through to Coal
ton on the Sd. How true it is we know
not.
Wellston Coal and Iron Company now
give one-half the price at which coal is
sold, for mining it.
Miss Penn. Poor, who has been visiting
in this vicinity for the past six weeks, has
gone home.
Three miles of new rails are being laid
on the NJ. & C. R. R. from the Junction
south.
On. B. This grammar is open to criti-
cism.)
D. A. Walker is visiting at Logan.
REX.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04

every fellow to his TASTE" is an old
saying, and perhaps by persevering at
tempt, a man may come to regard as a
very commonplace matter that which
would be extremely disgusting to others.
In the vicinity of Jackson there is GER
tain slaughter-house. That slaughter
house has yard into which is thrown all
the offal from the slaughtered animals.
In this yard is kept number of fattening
hogs. These hogs fatten in part upon the
filth from the slaughter-house. We have
passed this place time after time, and we
have seen hogs besmeared from their
noses to their shoulders with blood and
filth from the slaughter-house. 1t is not
a pleasing picture for pork-eaters to con-
template. For there is no room to doubt
that these hogs, thus fattened, are butch
cred for market. How many people are
there in this community who could eat
their pork-steak with clear conscience,
knowing that it had been fattened upon
carrion? We believe such people would
be hard to find.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04

Uncle Pete invited few of his friends
in to eat very fine turkey, on Thanks
giving day. The roast showed up tempt
ingly, and it was a pleasant dinner party.
"Pete," said one of the company, "dis is
fine turkey"
"De cold weather settin in befo we have
any rain will make water VERY skerce,"
said the old gentleman, changing the sub
ject.
Eyes" remarked another of the party,
$50 tender an juicy 1 nebber saw a
nicer roast
"De lection in Moo York" said Uncle
Pete, "wuz big thing fur our side,
wont it?"
"Yes," said a third one of the company,
"an de stuffin is seasoned jes right
''Dey do say" said Uncle Pete, "dat de
seventeen yeah locusts is comm dis yeah
fo shu.'
"Uncle," said little Jim, who was gnaw-
ing "drum-stick" at the lower end of the
table, 'whah did ye git dis yer turkey?"
The old man shook his head significant
ly at Jim, but the latter went on:
"Bill Scroggins tole me dat dey had
big turkey stole day fo Yesterday"
"Jim," said the old man, somebody's
callin ye," and he got up and led the in
quisitive young gentleman away out into
the back yard, into the wood-shed, and
behind the door, where he addressed him
after this fashion:
"Now look heah! You gittin little
to 'quisitive to suit me. What's yO busi-
ness whah de turkey cum frum? Don't
We git huff to eat? De nett time ye cum
to de table, jist eat, an ten to yo own bis
ness. Dye want to humiliate me? But
eff yell promise to behave better in futur',
I'll tell ye whah 1 got de turkey Here
the old man lowered his voice, shook his
finger warningly at Jim, and said:
dat turkey weighed seventeen pounds.
He jist cost me twenty-five cents 1
bought him NV Greenback Dimocrat.
Part Nv de bargain wuz, wuz to ak him
no questions bout de turkey. didn't ak
him any-and you shan't ak any!' And
the old man and Jim went back to finish
their dinner.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
A East Hound.

We had been thinking for some time
that it would be real nice to go rabbit
hunting ON Thanksgiving day-to take
some vigorous exercise in the fields, in
order to get up good appetite for our
turkey. Therefore we were much pleased
when young friend proposed to loan us
a splendid 'rabbit-hound."
81 want you to take this hound" said
the young man, because 1 want you to
town.
So we cleaned up our shotgun, took the
hound in tow by means of a section of
clothes-line, and set out for the "trackless
forest"
Coming in sight of the Jungle" we
slipped the lash from our fierce hunter,
and awaited developments. The red
birds "chipped' nervously, a few lone
some-looking snow-birds hoped here and
there, but we did not hear the fierce bay
ing of the hound.
We looked around. Our "fast hound
was quietly sitting in the path. By dint
OF much cOaXing we got him to the next
fence. This we had to lift him over.
Then we entered piece of woods. We
saw gray squirrel running on the
ground, about seventy-fve yards Off We
desired to find which tree it had ascended
so we called the "fast hound" and taking
him to where we had seen the squirrel we
pointed to the ground. That hound en-
tirely misunderstood us. We pointed to
the ground because we wanted him to
track the squirrel. He evidently thought
we wanted him to lie down, for after
'nosing" around and finding nice dry
place. he quietly curled himself up, and
was soon chasing rabbits far into dream.
| land.
Then it occurred to us that the young
man had told us the truth. 1t was, in
reality "fast" hound-FAsT ASLEEP!
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
Transfers of Real Estate.

Amanda Childers to Martha Tufts, ~ in Liber
ty tp.. $500.
s. A. Stephenson to James W. Henry, part OF In Lot
72 in jackson, $2500.
James A. Aleshire to Maria E. Carpenter. quitclaim
to part In Lot 6S in Jackson $780,
Beni Callaghan to Evan o. Evans, I2s acres in Mad
ison tp $210O.
Adam Winfough to Rees Grifiths, Lot SO in Eure-
kaville, $3.50.
David Evans to j. A. Wilson, acre in Lick tp.
$50.
John Hippel to S. II. Wilson ct al s.7 in Lick
TO-. $780,
Adam S. Scott al Winfield Scott, part Lots i5 &
46 in Eureka $l00.
Winfield Scott to Pearl Brown, part Lots As 46 in
Eureka, 5000.
John Hippel to David Higgins, i in Lick tp.,
$5)
No mortgages recorded 8: amount secured S2l37. So
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04

The fast young man was in town Oh
Thanksgiving day. There were several
of him. The fast young man is always
around, when there is anybody to look at
him. He appears to be fixture, in every
community. He blooms upon the street
corners, remains there during the best
years of his life, then disappears, and is
succeeded by one of another generation.
What he was originally created for, and
why his class is perpetuated, are among
the things that are past finding out. He
may be fttingls described as scab, re-
sulting from diseased condition of So
ciety. He was tight" on Thanksgiving
day. Of course, being smart enough to
get tight, he must take pains to let every
body know it. "Whazzer use O. gittin
tight, fu don let er people know it?"
In this life we are compelled to look
upon the fast young man daily, but we
believe there is one place where he does
not abide, and such a thought always
gave us greater zest for our Sunday
School lessons.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04

This weather just "gets away" with the
clothing store clerk. Early in the morn
ing he may be seen hanging out, for sign,
some nice, light dress suits. A few hours
later he may be seen hustling them in,
and hanging in place of them, rubber
coats, "ponchos," umbrellas, etc. These
in turn he takes in, and puts out buggy
robe, and pair of horse-blankets. A few
hours, perhaps, and he rushes out, seizes
the robe and blankets, rushes into room,
and shortly reappears with three or four
vercoats and string of winter gloves,
ehich he hangs up, to be blown down in
few minutes by fierce "Norwester."
lis weather is the delight of the clothing
BE clerk.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
For THE PRESIDENTIAL YEAR
The Leading American Newspaper.
The New York Tribune
FOE 1880.

During the coming Presidential year THE
TRIBUNE will be more effective agency than
ever for telling the news best worth knowing,
ana for enforcing sound politics. From the
Tor an end of sectional strife. But 1t saw two
years ago, and was the first persistently to pro-
claim the new danger to the country from the
many Hail.. Against that danger it sought to
raily the old party OF Freedom and the Union.
personal dislikes, and set the example. 1t call
ed Tor an end to attacks upon each other in
ment upon whatever fit candidates the party
should put up against the common foe. Since
then the tide of disaster has been turned back;
every doubtful State has been won, and the
omens for National victory were never more
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
SCIOTO VALLEY RAILWAY.

Commencing Monday, October 27, 1879, Trains
will run follows
GOING SOUTH.
- uErpress-Leayes Columbus 9 20 a m; arrive
Circleville 10 40, Chilicothe ii 49, Wayerly II 42
p. M, Portsmouth 10 d, m.
Mai!-Leaves Columbus 90 m arrive Cir
Portsmouth 10 90 m.
Fast Freight and accommodation - Leaves
Waverly 4s m, Portsmouth 35 m.
GOING NORTH.
Mdfl-Leaves Portsmouth 10 m; arrives
Waverly SS, Chillicothe 80, Circleville 10 40,
Columbus IL 10 p. m.
Erpress-Leaves Portsmouth IL 90 m, arrives
Waverly q p m. Chillicothe 2 2S p m, Circle
vile 80 p m, Columbus 90 IN.
Fast Freight and accommodation - Leaves
Portsmouth 80 p m arrives Waverly 10.
All trains daily except Sunday.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04

deem it my duty to acquaint suffering humanity
with fact that ST. JACOBS the most bene-
fetal remedy introduced; this have practically
tested For the past sixteen years L have suffered
with Rheum atism, and severely that 1 was often
robbed Ofmy nights rest change of weather would
have the most painful effect me, for then 1 could
move neither hands nor feet. 1 tried every known
remedy, but of avail; at last somebody recon-
mended ST. JACOBS OIL, and concluded to try it,
but with little hope for relief. Having hardly used
half bottle, the pains diminished, and to-day am
well and hardy more. The small of fifty
cents had cured me. THOMAS OFT,
Roniface Pa
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
Probate Notices.

The accounts of John Martin, administrator
of Joel Martin, deceased; Benjamin F. Kisor,
guardian of Charles g. Jenkins and Ann E..
Jenkins, minors Allen H. Keller, administra-
tor of Zenas Keller, deceased /; Rufus Hunsing-
er, guardian of James Lake, minor; James
Boyd guardian of Napolean and William Boyd :,
minors; Hancy jerks, guardian of Truman
jerks and Grant jerks, minors, and j. H.
Wilson,, administrator of William Hays,
deceased, Alex Dickason, Assignee of Carrie
F. Niewahner, have been filed in the Probate
Court of Jackson county, Ohio, for set
tlement, and the same have been set for
November, A. d. 1879, at 10 o'clock A. NJ. OF
said day. JNO. j. c. EVANS,
l3nov3t Probate Judge.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
ealth and Happiness,

1t seems strange that any one will suffer from
the mahy constitutional arrangements brought
on by an impure state of the blood when Guy
sott's Yellow Dock and Sarsaparilla will re-
store perfect health and physical organization.
1t has proven itself to be the best blood purifier
ever discovered, effectually curing Scrofula,
Syphalitic disorders, Weakness of the Kidneys,
all Nervous disorders and Debility. 1t corrects
Indigestion, etc, rejuvinates the old, exhila-
rates the young, and invariably drives ou OF
the system all the ills that human flesh is heir
to. Price of large quart bottles S1-OO. A
strengthening cordial pleasant to take.
W.. SCOTT, Wholesale Agent.
3Ooct79-Sm
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
THE rRIRUNE's POSITION.

OF THE TRIBUNE's share in all this. those
speak most enthusiastically who have seen
most of the struggle. 1t will faithfully portray
the varying phases of the campaign now begin
nlng: 1t will earnestly strive that the party of
freedom, Union and the Public Faith may
select the man surest to make good President.
But in this crisis 1t can conceive of no nomina-
ton this party could make that would not be
preferable to the best that could possibly be
Hall.
The TRIBUNE is now spending more labor
ton it has long enjoyed of the largest circuIa-
tton among the best people. 1t secured, and
means to retain 1t, b becoming the medium
conscience of the times, by keeping abreast of
the highest progress, favoring the freest discus
sion, hearing all sides, appealing always to the
best intelligence and the purest morality, and
refusing TO cater to the tastes of the vile the
prejudices of the ignorant.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04

If the fool is known by his folly, what Is he who
trihes with cold? A cough is natures warning of
peril prophetic of disease consumption and DEATH yet
how many neglect to practically recognize this plain
truth till their health is impaired and strength vast
ed. Have you cold; Eilert's Wine of Tar and Wild
Cherry is invaluable safe and reliable remedy for
coughs colds Group catarrh and consumption andr If
you wise you will at once try it. Sold and war
ranted by Druggists. For sale by Geo. W. Miller,
Innl
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04

FACTS THAT WE KNO'--.-If you are suffering with
cough, cold, asthma bronchitis, consumption
loss of voice. tickling in the throat any affection
the throat lungs, we know that DIR. Kings New Dis
covery will give you immediate relief. We know OF
hundreds of it has completely cured. and that
where all other medicines had failed. No other rem
edy show one half as many permanent cures Now
to give you satisfactory proof that DIR. Kings New
Discovery will you of Asthma, Bronchitis, Hay
Fever Consumption, Coughs and Colds Hoarse-
ness any Throat Lung Disease, if you call at E.
d. Lewis drug store you get trial bottle free OF
cost. or a rng;Ilar size bottle for 81 90.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
Probate Court Proceedings.

The State of Ohio Martha Troy. Vagrancy. De-
fendant found guilty and application made for her
admission into the State Reform School for Girls.
The State of Ohio James E. Erwin. Vagrancy
Warrant to convey returned. Defendant safely con-
veyed duly received into State Reform School for
Boys.
The State of Ohio Phillip Nance. Vagrancy.
Warrant to convey returned. Defendant safely con-
veyed duly received into the State Reform School
for Boys.
Charles Stockman appointed administrator of James
J. Willis, decd. Bond 900.
David NJ. Lewis, admir- of Morgan Lewis, decd VS..
Jane Lewis Cor Davis). Petition to sell land. Order
of sale made and issued.
MARRIAGE LICENSES.
VIM. NJ. McMillen and Erretta Perkins
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
Sheriff's Sale of Real Estate.
State of Ohio, Jackson County, S.:

State of Ohio, Jackson County, ss.:
Court of Com mon Pleas.
Oak Hill b. and L. Association VS.. A. G. Eli
OFT ct al.
On Order of Sale.
Notice is hereby given, that in pursuance of
an order OF sale issued out of said Court on the
3Oth day of October, A. D. 1879, and to me di-
rected, will offer for sale at public auction at
the door OF the Court House, in Jackson, in
said county, on
Saturday, December 9Th, A. d. 1879,
at one o'clock p. NJ, the following described
real estate, situated in the county of Jackson
and State of Ohio, to-wit:
Lot No. 583 in the town of Wellston, in said
county, excepting the stone coal and minerals
underlying said Lot.
Appraised at S105O 90.
Terms of sale, cash on day of sale.
Taken as the property of A. G. Elliott, to sat
Isfy Judgment and decree in favor OF the Oak
Hill Building and Loan Association.
given under my hand this 4th day of Novem-
Der, 1873. E. 7. JONES, Sheriff J. c. o.
r. H. Jones, Atty for Plaintiff.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04

Two or three weeks ago we advised our
subscribers to look at the figures on the
label on their paper, and the result was,
many looked, were convinced that they
owed us, and ought to pay, and many
have paid.
Now there are many yet who have not
looked at those little figures, or, if they
have, they have not yet responded.
Now get your last Standard, and look at
the figures on that little slip.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04

AS we were not able to attend church
last Sunday, Mrs. Marshall called to see
u.s. She is very pleasant lady. She
spoke at the M. E. Church at night, Some
twenty-five persons became members of
the Women's Foreign Missionary Society.
Any one can become a member, by paying
two cents per week.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
A Card,

To all who are suffering from the errors and
indiscretons of youth, nervous weakness, early
decay loss of manhood, &C., will send re-
cipe that will cure you, FREE OF CHARGE.
This great remedy was discovered by a mis-
sionary in South America. Send self-address-
ed envelope 10 the Rev. Joseph T. Inman, Sta
ton d, New York City. 7aug79-6m
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
Bucklin's Arnica Salve.

The BEST SALvE in the world for CUTS brus-
es sores, ulcers, salt rheum, fever sores, letter
chapped hands, chilblains, corns, and all kinds
of skin eruptions. This Salve is guaranteed to
give perfect satisfaction in every case or money
refunded. Price 25 cents per Box
For sale by E. d. Lewis, Main street.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04

The cows and pigs about the streets
bless our old friend Charley Dickson.
The reason is, Charley bought in large
lot of potatoes, some weeks ago, and
stored them in his cellar. Now he amuses
himself by dumping out the rotting ones,
at the rate of half bushel day, more or
1aSc
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
The Place to Get Your CIoaks.

Charley Dickson wishes us to say that his store,
between the First National Bank and the Isham
House. is the place to get coaks. Charley most always
what he says, and advise readers to call
and the cloaks there well goods of all kinds.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04

Mrs. Louisa j. Rockwell, wife of James
Rockwell, has been visiting friends in
Jackson. Mrs. Rockwell resides in
Wheeling, West Virginia. Leonard Rock
well is connected with the Postoffice in
Wheeling.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04

Mother when your dear baby suffers in teehing use
DIR. Winchers Teething Syrup, it soothes the pain
regulates the bowels quickly collie, brings nat
ural sleep and is charming in all its effects that II
YOU use it once YOU will it always. Sold by all
Druggists at only 25 cts. bottle. For sale by Geo. W
Miller. Jackson.
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04
We learn that Thanksgiving day passed

We learn that Thanksgiving day passed
off pleasantly in Jackson. We had sud-
den attack of illness-a touch of severe
cold, affecting our lungs, and did not get
out to respond to the invitations of our
neighbors to take dinner and supper with
them; but Mrs. Sutherland and Sam.
Poindexter sent us some nice, tender tur-
key, and other good things
The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1879-12-04

Little boy, when you grow up to be a
man, don't take any part in politics then
you will not be compelled to see your
name in print as possible Presidential
Candidate, and the word '.boom" printed
after