The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1879-06-19
MARK TWAIN AND THE PRESI.
DENCY.

Mark Twain has published the follow
ing open letter to his countrymen of
| either or any party:
81 have pretty much made up my
mind to run for president. What the
country wants is a candidate who can
not be injured by investigation of his
past history, SO that the enemies of the
party will be unable to rake up anything
against him that nobody ever heard of
before. If you know the worst about
candidate to begin with, every attempt
to spring things on him will be check
mated. Now [ am going to enter the
field with an open record. I am going
to own up in advance to all the wicked
nesses 1 have done, and if any congress
ional committee is disposed to prowl
around my biography in the hope of dis
covering any dark and deadly deed that
I have secreted, why-let them prowl.
In the first place, 1 admit that I freed
rheumatic grandfather of mine in the
winter of 1850. He was old and mex
pert in climbing trees, but with the
heartless brutality that is characteristic
of me ran him out of the front door in
his night-shirt at the point of shot gun
and caused him to bowl up maple tree,
where he remained all night, while I
emptied shot into his legs. l did this
because he snored. will do it again if
ever I have another grandfather. am
as inhuman now as 1 was in 1850.
I candidly acknowledge that 1 ran
away at the battle of Gettysburg. My
friends have tried to smooth over this
fact by asserting that 1 did SO for the
purpose of initiating Washington, who
went into the woods at Valley Forge for
the purpose of saying his prayers. 1t
was miserable subterfuge. l struck
out in straight line forsthe Tropic of
Cancer because was scared. l wanted
my country saved, but I preferred to
have somebody else save it. I entertain
that preference yet. If the bubble repu-
tation can be obtained only at the can
mons mouth, I am willing to go there
for it, provided the cannon is empty. If
| it is loaded my immortal and infexible
purpose is to get over the fence and go
home. My invariable practice in war
has been to bring out of every fight two
thirds more men than when went in
This seems to me to be Napoleonic in its
grandeur.
My financial views are of the most de-
cided character, but they are not likely,
perhaps, to increase my popularity with
the advocates of imitation. I do not in
sist on the special supremacy of rag
money or hard money. The great fund
amental principle of my life is to take
any kind 1 can get.
The rumor that buried dead aunt
under grape vine is correct. The vine
needed fertilizing. my aunt had to be
| buried, and dedicated her to this high
purpose. Does that unfit me for the
presidency? The constitution of our
country does not say so. No other citi-
zen was ever considered unworthy of
| this Office because he enriched his grape
vines with his dead relatives. Why
should be selected as the first victim
of an absurd prejudice?
I admit also that / am not friend of
the poor man. l regard the poor man
in his present condition, as so much
wasted raw material. Cut up and pro
perry canned, he might be made useful
to fatten the natives of the cannibal is
lands and to improve our export. trade
with that region. I shall recommend
legislation upon the subject in my first
message. My campaign cry will be:
"Desicate the poor workingman; stuff
him into sausages."
These are about the worst parts of my
record. On them L come before the
country. If my country don't want me
| will go back again. But recommend
myself as safe mana man who starts
from the basis of total depravity and
proposes to be fendish to the last
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