The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1879-12-18
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phone STOCK made SOUND investment.
SOME people are so. unreasonable.
Now, nothing would please us more than
to find hare in our hash.
DAY-AFTER-To-MoRRo is the name
of Cherokee Indian Chief. He is a
brother of Procrastination.
THE latest news of the South Ameri-
can war is that Chill man-of-war has
taken the Peruvian bark Quinine.
In boarding-house you don't knock
the stufhng out of the turkey you knock
the turkey out of the stufiing.
It's hard to fool castor oil-that is, it
is hard to take it in.- Wheeling Sunday
Leader.
TRAMPs have generally no religious
belief: but lean towards the church of
roam.
A NINcE pie at bedtime is the shortest
route to The menagerie.-C Cleveland Plain
Dealer.
IT is difficult to understand why a
wife never asks her husband eff the
doors are all locked" until after he is
snugly covered up in bed.
DEAREST let me correct your morals.
You address me, My dearest Maria
Am to suppose that you have other
dear Marias?''
The difference between us and Van
derbilt is that Wander has $4,000, 900
in four per cents. and we haven't four
per cent. in Sic, ,0Q0,O 900.
7 THE foolish virgin On the train sitteth
| demure and quietly in her seat, but the
wise one firteth with the conductor
| and passeth free of charge.-OI City
| Derrick.
| THE rumor is out that Gen. Grant is
using the silk copy of the Hawkeye pre-
sented him, for ahandkerc lief.-Quincy
Modern Argo. This is sad blow for
Burdette. Who nose if it is true?
A SON who had always been sup
ported by his father, cremated the old
gentlemaH4 after death, and put his
ashes in an urn, SO thatpeeples scouldn't
say hei1ever urned his living. 6.sF : ! 50
PEOPLE with political communica-
tions are respectfully informed that we
have no italic type in this office. We
will not need them ourselves until after
the next election, and we sincerely trust
not then.
RUNNER Ito educated man on train)
"My own" "What line of goods do you
| Oodl OOhAOA hChoC. w Gil,
my friend, I must say you carry very
small sample case"
If you haven't spunk Just eat buck
wheat cakes. They'll make you come to
the scratch.-Meriden Recorder. You
Just come to the scratch and acknowl-
edge that this is our paragraph, writ
ten by us months ago.-Keokttk Constitu
tion.
WHAT'S HONOR?
Ask not the soldier in the battles van,
Nor yet the statesman, uncorrupt as gold,
But her beneath your own roof-tree who can
| And will most willingly, to you unfold
The secret. Bid her mark your neighbor's wife
when she her ample wardrobe seeks, to don her
Fine garments; when she reappears, my life,
I'll stake, your better half tell what's on her.
CHILD (scarcely three years o'd) look
ing wistfully at diminutive pie:
Mother" Now, Meta, want you to
save your nice pie so your papa can see
it when he comes home" Child-look
ing still more wastfully-"I sink (
could tell papa ezacly how it looks"
4 CHILD of six years of age, having
the story Of Il, fall Explained to her,
meditated for considerable time on it,
Awhen she sudden1E broke out: "Aunty>,
4 when Adam ~ He. disobeYe1 =
\ NY did He them
xNIE Code his her g6
Miss H6s, vile ma ash
h4ve some N5n6 at d.
Il please, say yes 9Sverness " hy
8 What do you Wish me to take mof6l
wine torT' Jane" Oh, l only want
to see mas face"
A YOUTHFUL enthusiast, who recently
took to himself wife because he had
heard that what would keep~one would
keep two, and consequently that we'd
lock was as cheap as single blessedness,
has at last expressed his opinion. He
says that he finds wife just little
dear.
How to get into a mess and how to
get out of it. At an art exhibition:
"That picture of KS is fearful daub,
don't you think?' The gentleman ad-
dressed-I beg your pardon, but am
the artist" "Oh, l beg ten thousand
pardons. The fact is, don't know any
thing about art-I just repeat what.l
hear every one saying!'
IT is fact which argues somewhat
against Christian consistency that the
most unpopular minister is he who Oft
euest holds up the sins of his people be-
fore their eyes, and exhorts them to bet
ter things. The average Christian is
very we'll satisfied to confess in his closet
that he is wicked sinner, but when
anybody else tells him so, it makes him
mad. Why is this thus?