The Cecil Whig. [volume] (Elkton, Md.) 1841-current, 1879-05-24
HOW TO MANAGE A HOG.

At midnight the summons came Maria
Ann thurst her elbows cleverly between
two Of my ribs, and whispered in ghostly
accent
Joshua. there is hog in the garden"
| have lived with Maria long enough to
know that she expects he to catch her
IDEAS instantly, and although she had said
nothing about it, | knew she anticipated
that | would rise in my might and go for
that hog.
accordingly rose in my might, and be-
gan CROPPING around for my pantaloons.
felt that without them could not appear
to that advantage that would command
the respect of the hog. | had no idea we
possessed SO much wearing apparel until
l began to inventory it in the dark, while
looking for my pantaloons. got hold
of articles of cdging, and articles with
tlounccs and with embroidery, and with
strings, while Maria Ann kept whispering
in the gloom:
That hog will eat up all the potatoes
before you get down stairs. You are fear
fully slow
suppose she whispered for fear the
hog would hear her and become offended.
She never could bear to give any otlense,
not even to a hog. except me. All this
time ! was trying on things that did not
fit me, but finally lit in some sort of Il
garment that had what was intended for
a row of buttons on it. and buttoncd it
up, although there was Il lightness and
chcerfulness about it that did not seem
entirely familiar.
got half way down the stairs when it
suddenly occurred to me that the hog was
not in our garden, for the very reason
that We had no garden for the hog to get
into: STILL we had 4 ciStern, and the hog
might get into that 1t would be Just like
a hog. This thought SO startled me that
rolled down to the bottom of the stairs.
a feat made easier from the fact that
seemed pretty well tangled up in the gar
ment had adopted.
Maria Ann. who always proves equal
to any emergency, soothed me good deal
by coming to the top of the stairs. and call
ing me an idiot and other pet titles she is
i'll the way ofapplying in moments of ten
derneSS.
| got out of the front door as soon as
possible. and the hog, who was looking
at the house from the front yard, appar-
emily with view to renting it, stood APP
palled. did not wonder at this. In my
haste in dressing inadvertently put on
Maria AIMS polonaise, and it stands to
reason that a man arriyed in a white
night-shirt and Il blue polonaiSc. rushing
from the front door of a house at the
solemn hour of midnight. must present an
appalling spectacle to any hog. After re-
covering from his momentary astonish-
ment, the hog took three more kinks i'll
his tail and scooted three times around
the yard. The front gate was wide open
but he never thought of going though
that. He seemed to be looking for a
good place to jump over the fence. |
tangled myself up in the polonaiSe again
and took flying leap into the yard, land
ing on my left eyebrow.
We do not give the women half the
credit they deserve. lam convinced that
it requires more down right genius to
pilot Il polonaise, cut with darts i'll the
back and trimmed with knife pleating
than it does to manage a National Prcsi-
dental Convention. The hog ran around
the house three times more in the oppo-
site direction with four kinks in his tail
| am slow to wrath. but lam afraid was
beginning to get mad, and when | went
around behind the house and got a hatchet
| am obliged to confess that it was with
ing to.
didn't think the hog had noticed the
wood-shed until | went there for the
Iatchet. but when returned to the front
yard he Immediately retired to the wood
she'd and then knew had him corner
ed.
Maria had by this time recovered her
presence of mind, and had got her head
out of the front window up stairs, and
was yelling Fire. with all her might
and in way calculated to be of inesti-
mable service to me. All | needed to
spur me on to glory was some one to yell
Fire ' entered the woodshed cautiously
and found the hog completely at my mer-
cy, unless he made a hole though the
kitchen door, and escaped that way. He
did not do that. On the contrary. he rush
ell right at me. | stepped back rather
hastily. not because he scared me any, but
to prevent him from tearing my polonaise.
am always careful to keep hogs off my
polonaiSe, so faras is possible. There was
a wash-tub full of suds behind me, and as
stepped back out of the way of the hog
in tit Of absent mindedncss, | sat down
in the tub. 1t may seem curious, but my
recollection now is that the tub fitted me
Il good deal more snugly than the polo
naisc had, and yet had never tried the
tub OH before in all my born days. The
only way out of the tub was to tip it over
and float out on the sudS, and that I at
once did.
Maria, still true to me in my affection,
opened the kitchen door, and with her
face full of wifely anxiety. and surround
ed by nightcap frill. and her mouth wide
open, she really did look like a saint or
something, but she was remarking Muir
der at the time. and her voice SO startled
the hog that he ran over me before could
get out the suds. How he managed to
step on me thirty-two times in running
over me once, is Il mystery both to Maria
Ann and myself; but he did for we count
ed the spots his hoofs made.
After running over me, he walked out
the front g tte as solemnly as though he
was on his way to church. and it is nv