The Newtown bee., 1879-03-04
THE PIE-EATER.
Varied and Thrilling Adventures of the
 Champion of Posey County.

oaJor or the UnlGoQ SGatoS. 1Ou,Ve probably heard tell of me-
 sSit down, MT ''--
 Guzzler, sir. Champion Guzzler, sir, of Posey county. You see, MT. Editor, I thought as how I'd step in and tell you some of my experience during the two years of my professional career. You can print it in your newspaper if you like. Idon't keer.'
 He turned up the lappel of his coat end exhibited a badge.
 "D'ye see that, stranger ?"
 Yes," we ventured. New style of button ?'
 Button Blazes, no l Why, that's my badge. That's me championship medal. These here fellows what walk so many miles in so many dissecutive hours are all frauds. Every body ought to be able to walk. That only requires legs and wind. But it takes a man of indomitable character to eat pie."
 'How did you first get into the pro- fession, Mir. Guzzler?"
 I'll tell you, mister, how that was. One day cum up hyar to the city and went into bakery to get something to eat. I was alfred hungry, and the first thing I seed was @ tablefull of fresh-baked pies. An idear struck me. I axed the baker what he'd take to let me eat as many of them pies as wanted. He looked at me all over, and after taking my measure, he said might have cart blank commission for fifty cents.
 "I took him up and paid my half dol lar rather rashly. I had no sooner done it than regretted my rashness kinder, and offered him dime to let me off, and I'd pay for what got. But he said bargain was bargain. Then I got mad and set to work, beginnin with the specie called apple. I had absorbed eight pies, and was on the pint of quar- tering 8 pumpkin beauty, when I be- came aware that the baker was in- terested. When the third pumpkin pie had succumbed he tried to buy me off said he'd give me back quarter if I'd call it square. I told him guessed not. Now that I had got my hand in, I reckoned might inst as well see how far could go without bustin' blood vessel.
 linen I tackled a new row and laid 'em in promiscuous-like. There were just forty-two pies of assorted variety oa that table, and swamped lem all. If the pies hadn't given out, I might have found my capacity then and there. The baker was speechless. axed him twice before he could answer if he knew of any tavern nearby where could git a square meal. He said he didn't; but there was pork-house out at the stockyards. As went out of the door heard him tell his boy to go and build the fire up in the oven again.
 Yes, sir. Well, hadn't got to the corner when the baker came running up, and, said he, I've got an idea I thought he was going to say he had baked some more pies; but he only wanted to make deposition. He said there was millions in it-that plan of his. I should travel and give free eatin' exhibitions. He would furnish the pies if would perform, and we'd divide the profits. I agreed, and we drew up ar- ticles of partnership" "Well?" we suggested, intensely in- interested, as he hesitated, with rue- ful cast of countenance.
 ssIt didn't work. The baker lost on I the pies, and drew out at the end of the week $250 behind"
 "People didn't appreciate your tal- ent ?" we suggested.
 "Yes they did, though. That's what swamped us. It warn't the natural business that cost, but the angcores. You see they insisted so much on me repeatin' an act that the pies piled up like thunder. May be you wouldn't believe it, but I've been called out afore the curtin as many as six times night" He stopped to reconnoitre for the eff feet of his statement. Feeling assured, he added:
 basket of pies"
 "After the show broke, Mir. Guzzler, what did you do 2"
 z Why, then went into the champion business. That was two years ago come Decoration day. Since then hev ct seventy two matches, an lost only two of 'em. y
 Lost, did you 2"
 {. Yes, sir. ssI'm 'shamed to tell it, but lost lem. Twarn't fair, however l 'twarn't by fair means. First time I had to knock under was up in Vigo county. My competitor ware feller who had no fine pints of honor about him, an him an his packers set it up on me-" ss How so2
 ssWhy, the rascal bribed the con ; tractor who furnished the pies. We'll, sir, dye believe it. the apples in his l pies had been cooked and swelled afore 1 they were baked. Some way or mother they succeeded in putin my apples into the crust just as they cum out of the bag. You kin guess the rest ]" Not exactly, we urged.
 We'll, while was corralin' the sixth pie, them blamed apples had already overcome began to soak and swell into me. Then, mister, I had to cease far ther operations, and tend to the contract I already had taken. Never had sich g time in my life. could jest feel them dried fruit swellin' up under my waist band like bubbles from pipe. They kept a-swellin' and a-swellin' till l thought I'd heye to git cut open"
 < But yon didn' f''
 | No,sK didn, ,kt sA4tersthey had inflat- ed to their full capacity, found I had breathin room left, but that was about alI:s nfysAeaft w4s ptishea away to one