The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-01-18
A Wife Who Is Seldom at Home.



When the peddler rang Mr.. Birds
door-bell, the other day, Mr.. Bird him
self opened the door. Mr.. Bird had the
baby upon his arm, and there were four
other children al his heels.
Is the lady of the house in?'' asked
the pedder.
Certainly she isn't" replied Mr.,
Bird ''She is out. She is perennially
and eterpslly outw
Where can | see her 2"
Why, go down to the Woman Suf-
frage Club Rooms, and if she is not
there, go 10 the Society for the Proven
ton of Cruelty to Animals, and if she
has left there, visit the hall of the assoc
citation for alternating the miseries of
the Senegambians, aud if she has fin
ished UP there, look for her at the
church aid society, or at the Ninth Ward
Soup House, or at the home of the one
legged, or at the refuge for infirm dogs,
or at the hospital for the asthmatie, or
at the st. Polycarp Orphan Asylum, or
at some of those places. If you get on
her trail you'll see more paupers, and
strong minded women, and under-cloth-
ing for the heather than you ever saw
in the whole course of your life"
wanted to sell her cold handle
fat-iron, just out Do you think she
will buy oneY'
She will il you can prove that the
naked cannibals in Senegambia are
yesrning for coldhandled hat-irons.
She would buy diamond breast-pins for
those niggers if they wanted them, |
believe"
intended also to offer her a new
kind of immovable hair-pin, which,
All right you just go down to the
home for the one-legged, and persuade
those cripples to cry for immovable
hair-pins, and she'll order 'em by the
ton"
Has she any children?r ail
Well, I'm the one that appears to
have 'em; just now, anyhow"
Because | have gum-top for feed
ing-bottle; this is the incest thing you
ever saw"
Now" said Mr.. Bird, "I'll tell you
what you do. You get those paupers to
swear they can't eat the soup they get
at the soup-house with spoons, but they
must have it from a bottle with rub
Der nozzle, and Mrs. Bird will keep you
SO busy supplying the demand that you
won't have chance to sleep. You just
try it. Buy up the paupersl Bnbe
emf
How'll | know her if | see her f'
Why, she's large woman, with a
bent nose, and she talks all the time.
You'll hear her talking as soon as you
get within mile of her She'll ask you
o subscribe to the Senegambian Fund
and to the Asthmathic Asylum before
you can get your breath. Probably
she'll read you four or FIVE letters from
reformed cannibals. But don't you
mind 'em. My opinion is she wrote 'em
herself"
"Shall tell her you told me to call
upon her?"
1t don't make any difference. But
you might mention that. since she left
home the baby has had four fits, Johnny
has fallen out of the pear tree and
cracked his skull Mary and Jim both
have something like Group, and Tommy
has been bitten by Jones's dog. 1t won't
excite her; she won't care q cent; but
I'd like her to have the latest news
Tell her if she can manage to drop in
here for minute between now and the
Fourth of July, she might maybe wash
the baby and give the other children a
chance to remember how she looks.
But she needn't come if it will interfere
with the happiness of the one-legged
mendicants, or maize her asthmatic
patients miserable. Mind and mention
it to her now, will your
al will"
"All right, then. Pll 60 in and put
some fresh sticking-plaster on Johnny's
skull"
And with the baby singing vocifer-
Gus solo, and the other children cling
ing to his legs, Mr.. Bird retreated and
shut the door. The peddler had deter
mined to propose to girl that night.
He changed his mind, and resolved to
remain a bachelor.