The Portland daily press., 1879-03-31
Cap and Bells.

This is what John Chinaman says of Hayes:
He hilselfee self have said it
And its glatey to his cledit;
He bee one Haysee Chinee man;
He mighee bee Tilden or Potter or q Pelton,
Or perhaps Danlee Kaur-ar-nee:
But spitee ale temptation
To belong to some ollie nation,
He bee one Haysee Chinee man.
New Haven Register; In the race for matri-
mony it isn't always the girl that covers the
most laps that wins.
If Queen Victoria comes to America this
summer, the speculator who can get her to
walk thousand miles in thousand hours at
some beer garden will make good thing.
Utica Observer: Emperor William of Ger
many had fall on a piece of slippery pave
ment last Friday. II didn't hurt the emperor
much, bat 1t Jared all Germany.
Whitehall Times: "a mandanus,' saws
the Albany Argus, "has been served upon Sec
retary of State Beach," Pshaw, day scarcely
passes that we don't have more than one man.
damus forsomethiDg we have Published.
An old-fashioned lady wants to know why
the graduates of Vassar and other "female''
colleges always have their ages printed after
their names in reports of alumni meetings
Miss Smith. President t'70), Miss Jones, vice.
president, c60), Mrs. Robinson, secretary, C7S)
etc., etc.
What ha Fao
Little Jack-'T Trust. Tommy, that you be-
lieve in the non-essentialty of a preexistent
First Cause" Little Tommy-"O, certainly
At least go no farther back than the prim-
srdial Atomic Globule." (Exeunt, driving
their hoops.l
Cincinnati Saturday Night:-A gentleman
addresses another gentleman. whom be doesn't
know, at party: "This affair is awfully stu
pid; let's 60 out and take drink" 81 would
like to pit" was the reply, "but can't leave
very WELL" "Why not?" "Why, you see, 1
am the one who is giving the party"
New Orleans Picayune:-A boiling spring
has been discovered in Tulars County. Califor-
nia, which washes clothes beautifully in about
forty minutes Kearney says this spring must
60, first, because it washes too cheap, and sec.
ondly because clean shirts are Inconsistent with
the universal sand-lot principles he represents.
The philosophy Of the Saltwater Lumberman
runs deep. He says: "When q boy wsias
with girl as though he was afraid some one
would see him, the girl is his sister. II he
walks so close to her as to nearly crowd her
against the fence, she is the sister of some one
else."
The manner of detecting different rationale
ties: Place before each man glass of beer,
with fly floating on the surface. A Spani-
ard will seize the glass. beer and fly, and fling
them against the wall. A Frenchman will ask
for silver spoon, and carefully fish out the fly.
An Englishman will take out the fly with the
tips of his fingers and drink the beer. A Ger
man will swallow both at one draught. And
last, the Russian win seize the fly, masticats
it, and pitch the beer down his throat.
nonplussed theologian Is said to have sat
up until late hour fruitessly trying to get the
tangle out of the following anecdote, which is
related in Mr.. ConwaY's recent book: "In an
orthodox family, with which have had some
acquaintance, q little boy who had used
naughty expressions of resentment toward q
playmate was admonished that be should be
more like Christ, who never did any harm to
his enemies! No. answered the wrathful
child, but he's a-going to-"