The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1879-10-11
WIT AND HUMOR.

a HAPPY FAMILY.-The other evcn-
ing ats O'Clock policeman found a
family Of five persons and two old
trunks under shed near tho foot of
Second street, waiting to go up the
river or II wood-bargc which wouldn't
leave until tho next forenoon. The
man had both hands pressed to his face,
handkerchief and all the children were
squalling.
"What seems to be the mattcr?" IN
quircd the officer as he halted among
them.
ooh, nothing much," answered the
man. "I'vc got the jumpin' toothache,
but 1t allus slacks up on mo about mid
night"
"What ails your wife ?"
"Oh, she's kinder tired out and ner-
vous, but as soou as she gets good rest
for hor back agin the wood-pile she'll
go to sleep and forget all about it,
She's all right, she is"
"But the children are crying" con-
tinued tho officer.
"Yaas, kinder crying" replied the
man, "but that's nothing. That boy
Augustus Caesar he wants q stick Of
gum, but he'll soon chaw himself to
sleep OH a silver. The next one, Chas.
Henry, he's howlin' 'cause l wont buy
him a rockin-horse, but soon's | get
time to spank him he'll curl down and
60 to drcamin' of ar "ls. That gal,
Minerva, has got her mouth made up
for fried cakes and ;lh but I'll give
her bite of pork AMI bread from the
trunk and she'll never rinow the differ
cncc. We are kinder sprawled out
here and seem to be kinder afflicted,
but we arc Il regular happy family"
BOY, apparently very much agt
tated, rushed into house and said to
the lady: 81 don't want ter alarm yer,
me up from tile livcry-stablc to tell
yer" "Good heavensl what is it,"
"Why, you know yer little boy Aleck,
what the man can't keep outcn the
livery-stablc 'round the corner?'-
eyes, wcll?" "I told Alcck Just now
not to go inter the stable among the
horses, but he wouldn't mind me."
"Oh dear, what has happened ?" "He
said he wanted ter sec what mule 'ud
do when yer ticklcd its heels with a
straw" ooh heavens" gasped the
lady, and clung to the mantcl for sup
porc. "Wcll, sir, yer boy Aleck goi a
straw, snuck up behlh' a sorrcl mule,
ticklcd him on the heels, an - The
lady started for the door. cam the
blamed crltter never lifted hoof,"
called the boy, "Nevcr so much rs
switched its tail. It's Il mighty good
thing for Aleck that he didn't, too; an
| thought I'd como up an tell yer.'
And he lodged out at the side entrance.
\ PRINCELY OFFER.-Whcn he came
in, III answer to an advertisement, tho
y u i'm, 70 fol
wh;rh he did.
you lave had some cXpcrlcn'n rs /
c,!iAc;or, ch ?'
Yes, sir; l have hrn in the busi-
less five years.
'Wcll, you're just ttt man for nc.
| want a iirst-class coiecSor-some fell
low who will glide round pretty rapidly
and not get drunk"
"I never drink; and us for gliding
around, Pm just the boss"
"Ncll, then, you may start right off.
Pm prominent man. Pm known all
over. Now, you arc to make q collec-
ton for me. Say Pm dangerously sick
and haven't money to buy medicine.
You can raise hundred dollars inside
1t for your trOuble.'
The man glidcd out.
IRISH landlord (to his II. w secretary
"Doylc, dye hear! | want you to send
a telegram-at once, moind--to O. Brian,
ordering him to quit the farm. Doyle
(aftcr moments rctlection)--"SOr,
might | ask your honor to write out the
tiligram? Sure, if l wrote it miself
that ovid O'Brian would know mi
hlandwrlting, and I'D be shot dead as
blaZeS, sOr.''
SCENE: Highland Ferry wild sea :;
farmer going to market, and fcrry-man.
Farmcr-"She's tcry, ferry stormy
get over, tn boat? Ferry -"Ay,
goot storm, fiery goot storm, too, Mais-
ther M'Tavish. Heck, but she'll try,
she'll try" Farmer-"Ah, but she
wouldna like ava to be trowned an lost
all her monish!" !"
NEW Beauty (unversed as yet in the
mysteries of high life): "Who's that
wonderful old gentleman ?" The Cap
tain: "Sir Digby de Rigby, Hamp-
shire baronet; one of the Oldest in Eng
land; James the First's creation, you
know" New Beauty determined to
be surprised at nothing): ''Indeed |
How we'll preserved he Isl shouldn't
have thought him more than seventy
or eighty"
SCENE, "The Row." He on the cob I:
"llallo3 a gay-looking animal you've
got there, Gus" Gus ION showy Fie-
bald-a regular "Myers 'Haw
Ya-as, you see I've taken chambers in
the circus for the season, 80 l thought
I'd have nag to match!"
The NEW PoIsoN.-Mistress- -"Why,
Eliza Jane, whatever has become of the
cold pie ~ Eliza Jane-"Oh, that
mem2 Why, see in the papers e cold
pic was pison If KEEP, and SO I-well,
mcm--I give 1t to the policemanr'
How TO GET SICk.-Expo: % yoursel.
DAY and night, eat too much withon
exercise; work too hard without rest: {:
doctor all the time; take all the vile
nostrums ADVERTISED; and then you
Will want to know
HOW TO GET WELL.
which Is answered in three words-
Take Hop BitterSt Son otbny ool,n,,,