The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1879-12-30
HUMOROUS.

nsh OF man arrived at tho Brush
street depot, Detroit, recently, in COM
pany with Il shocp's-gray ulster and
y bulky satchel, and when the hack
drivers went for him he called one of
them aside and said: -
"l'm Il singular man. I'm worth
over million of dollars, and when l
take notion to Il person can afford
to buy them house and lOt.'
.'fnke you right up, sir" replied
| the hackman. ..''-. - :"
"Perhaps you will-pcrhaps so. Let
me tell you something. | landcd d in
TOLEDO ten years ago, got INTO hack
ana drove up town, aud the haokman
never said word about fare. He
seemed to take a liking to me. In
tour weeks L presented him with q
team and hack worth 81, 200. Yes
Pm singular man.
Get right into my carriage, SIR"
said the hnckman us he opened the
door, and the stranger complied and
was driven to a hotel. AS he got out
he said:
81 guess I'll take your name. Imay
take freak to present you with
house and lot"
"The fare is so cents, STRIP replied
the driver. -
"what"' Didn't tell you was
|
"You did, sir, and Pm another.
want my farc.''
| "Look hcre!' whispered the man,
as he put up his pencil, "you have lost
just exactly $4,000. On the way up
here | determined to put you in my
Will for that amount Now I'll be
hanged if do"
"I had rather have my 90 cents now.
and [ can't walt here all day for it,
eithor.'
"rhcre it is," growlcd the stranger,
us he hshcd up II half-dollar after a
great deal of trouble, "nnd now, --n
Bat tho hackman didn't wait, The
singular man watched him turn the
corner, and then entered the hotel,
turned the blottcr wrong end Up to
register his name, aud his voice was
heard saying:
If can't gcta room looking out on
acircus procession, L DON'T want any
at ALP
In HIS WEES NAME.---A middle
aged man, with black eye and Il
skinned nose, found hls way into JUS
tice alley, DctroiC and asked for u war;
rant for the arrest of the man who had
| pummelcd him. Ills Homer made some
inquiries and wrote out the warrant,
and when the witness had sworn to
| 1t, he asked:
Nov as understand this thing, the
constable will arrest this fendish de-
fendant.
"And the case W iii bn tried? ?'
"DouOtless.''
"And the jury will give me Il YER
dict3"
| "That remains to be Seen."
"Well, what | was going to say was
this: In case do get Il verdict I'd like
to have them give it in my wife 8 name,
rs Pm somewhat in debt and don't
want to be garnishced -
| a TRAVELLER says "Lhere is no Sab
bath i'll Austria" Then we suppose
nan there Is not obliged to carry Il
| tishing-polc under his coat on the first
day Of the week, and if Philadelphia's
permanent exhibition was in Austria
there would be no objections to Sun
day openings. But IT there are no
| Sundays there are no churches, and
without churches ministers cannot be-
come impoverished by donation par
| ties, and Austria contributes nothing
| toward the heather in Ker Chunk.
| We prefer almanacs with Sundays in
'em. On Sundays one can lay in bed
| until dinner ttmc-if he wants to.
| How He MADE HER PREsENr.-A
certain old gentleman, very rich and
| still more stingy, is in the habit of
| wearing his clothes to the last thread.
| One of his friends, meeting him cx-
! claimed "They told NE that you had
new hat, and I'n be hanged if you
| haven'tn' ooh, yes," said the miscr,
| looking as if he were tritlc ashamed
of himself, "you sec my wife kept tell
| ing me that the old one was good
deal worn out. Well, yesterday was
my wife's birthday, and l got new
hat for Ler birthday present."
A MAN who was trying to sell rather
| dismal residence boasted that it COM
| mandcd Il view Of the railway station.
"But that doesn't make it any more
PLEASANT said tho party who was ex-
pectcd to purchase it. "Oh, yes It
does," replied the owner, confidently;
cit makes it gay here. You can stand
on this step and sec everybody that
| misses the train.''
BARRIERS say that about q month after
| middle-aged man loses his wife he
begins TO have his mustachc dyed-it
ne owns such hirsute appendsge.
| There Is food for reflection here. Does
| Ing for the departed, or to enable i.im
to more readily get another wite2
o-~--
A SUNDAY-school visitor, who was
interrogating the children, asked the
question: "Why was Lots wife turn
cd into pillar OF saltp" There was a
pause, and then a small boy, with a
preternatural growth of head, piped
out, 81 s'pose 1T was because she was
| too fresh"
WIEN Pat Orion leaves his shop on
business he posts this ambiguous not
Ice on the door MOT lost but back be
4! ~ =
! ALL kinds Of insects are fashionable
for pins, and the mosquito can always
maze your ear ring. ag .r. ,.
e1xzsopszzzxxszzHEsa
| THOUSANDS will boar Testimony land do Il yolun-
| tariy) Tint VkGETINE Is tho best medical com
pound yo placed before tho public for rcnovatine
| and purifying tho blood. cradle ,ting all humors
1 nnlI nnIu