The Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1877-1885, 1879-08-22
ALL SORTS.

After trvipe in vain to start baiky
mare, the driver touched her flank with
his lighted cigar. saying, i've tried al!
means 20 start her, now I'll try to back
or. Boston Commercial Bulletin.
Oar forefathers may not be to blame tor
It, but some way or other the average man
Of to-day is burned with an insane desire
to use bis largest bank bill for a wrapper
around his wad of wealth Fulton Times.
When you have allowed a man to en-
ploy your knife to pare a peach, you
shouldn't con6de to him the secret that
the particular blade he used is ripper to
trim corns Somehow, it makes him wish
he hadn't eaten the peach. -BoSt0n f10St.
If there is one thing that will disgust
man with woodcock- hunting, it is to mount
an old stump, and while intently scanning |
the horizon In search of game. to awaken
to the stern reality that an army OF red
ants has taken possession of his trousers |
legs Waterloo Observer.
A small boy undertook to infuse a little
astouishment into a cross dog on Main
street, last evening, and as a result got so
loaded down with surprise himself that he
burst off three suspender- buttons stepping
around the corner to tell the rest OF the
boys about it.-Bridgeport Standard.
Would it be better for the attendants of
race horse to rub the whisky on the
horses legs, or drink the whisky and rub
the bottle on. or drink the bottle and rub
the whisky on, or drink the legs and rub
their stomachs. or drink their stomachs
and rub the bottle, or-or- well, we are
all mixed up Go1oGnda Enterprise.
A lady who lays some claim to having
studied human nature in its masculine de-
velopment, says that the man who is of a
sufficiently calculating mind to ask his
sweetheart before marriage how many
yards it takes for silk dress, will snort
terror into her soul after marriage it she
asks him for a sixpenny calico. -Andre10s'
Bdzdr.
She had ordered beef heart Of her
l favorte butcher, and when it came, lust
as the setting sun was gathering up the
golden threads he had spun into a web
over the world, preparatory to going to
rest for the night, she bushed from the
dainty face encircling her throat to the
bangs on her forehead, as she read or
the brown paper wrapper: IT'S evening
brings my heart to thee Syracuse San.
day Times
, A small boy was hoeing corn 10 sterile
field by the roadside, near Bethel, Indiana
when a passer-by stopped and said
Pears to me your corn is rather small. y
} Certainly" said the boy. 1T is dwarf
corn" But it looks yaller," Certainly
We planted the yaller kind" But il
locks as if you wouldn't get more thar
half crop" OF course not" said tht
boy. I'VE planted her on shares. y c
: Have you ever read Jules Verne
novels?' inquired gentleman of a younG
lady graduate who had just returned home
"Oh! yes" simpered she; I've read hi
Around the World" aud one or tive
D others. They are pretty good; but thel
cant begin to compare with his first novel
Pickwick Papers This raised tn
Dickens" so to speak. and the young lad,
wondered why everybody looked so smiling
D and pleased like-Hachensack Republican
. Clump! Clump! went the frozen eartl
on the coffin as the dimmed eyes of tn
O widower were fixed on all that was earthl
= of the partner of his few joys and man,
sorrows The good man said, Ben, 20,
J. will be lonesome now that Susan has gon
t from you forever" The solemn air car
q ried the squealing voice of Ben to the ear
drums of the mourners: "Yes-ves-
'spose so-'spose so-but I've my eye on
: -darned sight better-better woman
it than she ever-ever dared to be!"-
|. Turner's Falls Reporter.
: Nobody except the people in the from
! pews and only the few who listen very in
- tently can hear the tenor when the choi
starts out When | can read nv It'll
r, clear" singing very distinctly, with hi
e iface turned toward the leader at th
- tother end of the organ:
= I've lost the place | N in a fix.
What ever shall l. do?"
ID And the leader, in his profoundest bas
replies in fauitless tone and metre:
n The tune is on page ninety six,
The words on forty two.
~ Mr. Plug and bis niece from the Gil
% were sitting off the piazza the other eyer
We ing, just as the moon rose, and the ia
ut maiden remarked There's two ne
ts moons this month, Maybe there
~ down to Boston, where folks are we'll off
~ said Mr. Plug. up here we have so Ii
s tie money, and taxes are SO high, Y
make thu old moon last just as long
% ever we can before we get a new one. v
cant afford more Q one in six weeks here
va st. Adams Advertiser.
~ Nothing usually creates more constern
I'M ton among the females Of a family TIL
as to have the door bell ring at 9 in the NOR
or ing when the hired girl is down at Il
grocery after potatoes They can't ma
Gu up their minds whether to show up at t
y door with no crimps and no belt on The
wrappers, wait on the girl, or ask WHO
q, there?' between the shutters Of secon
story Window Wheeling Leader.
ey Virginia (Neb) Chronicle.)
e A small boy yesterday stepped upon
re bit OF plank and had the bottom of
by foot punctured by a nail projecting thel
- from He heard that nail wound in 4
= foot caused lock jaw and lock jaw caus
ey death. He therefore sat down on t
p edge of the sidewalk and considered biz
as self a goner, Sammy" said he to
nd companion, I've got ter die, I'll be to
with the lockjawr in about mint, th
Gu I'll die. I'd like to see mother first, b
I've got to die and go to Heaven, and
p can't help it.
De ReV G. r. Davis, of Carson, and Re
r. W. r. JeuYey, of Reno, never lose an O
re portunity Of giving each other a sly d
says the Virginia Chronicle. Parson D
no Wis preached at Reno the other Sunda
ks and while taking breakfast at Parson Je
ed vey's house, remarked: Guess III ia
ed some more steak, as | have to preach
- Guess I'll brace up little, too, reioi
:, ed Jepvey, passing his plate for auoth
lily section of the meat; I've got to listen,' -
Ell Can have half of this seat?" N
en- shouted the occupant, who was trying
I'D spread himself oyer the whole of it.