Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1879-07-24
FUNNY0RAPHS.

FUNNY0RAPHS.
THE girl of the period-.Rusty Kate.
TOAST by our bachelor friend-The
day we celibate.
Truth IL like the sun; tho it sinks out
ov sight, it allwuss rizes agin with nu
splendor.-Josh Billings.
"PEoPLE never cough after taking my
medicine" advertises doctor. Isit 80
fatal as that?
MAN il kurious kritter; nothing will
discourage and disgust him more than to
Civ him all he asks for.-.losh Billings.
IT is one of the curious ways of the
world that male hairdcesser often dyes
an old maid.
POVERTY IL no kure for extravaganse;
pauper had rather hav one feast than
three square meals.-Josh Billings.
GOOD resolutions, like a squawling
baby at church, should always be car
ried out.
The same man who finds the weather
too warm for church sits under the blaz-
ing canvass of circus without MUIR
mur.
A MILITARY man pitching into an
opponent, exclaimed, "Why, his sword
was never drawn but once, and that was
in rafle."
The frs thine that David Davis ever
realized his fatness was when he was a
boy of II. The other boys all crawled
through the fence and left him alone
with mad steer.-DetroI Free Press.
A MICHIGAN photographer advertises
among his accessories, "a new front
gate-just the thing for lovers pic
ture." He ought to secure a lively run
of custom.
| 1.-THE more a man is spurred by pow
erty," says the New York Mail, "the
more likely will he be to exert himself
to acquire wealth. 1t is always the
hungry dog who makes a bone-answer."
"WATER costs pooty near more than
the bread, hay?" was the remark of a
citizen yesterday as he glanced over his
receipt for his quarters water tax
Detroit Free Press.
GONE kind of a ship I always steer
clear Of" said an old bachelor sea cap
tain, and that's courtship; cause on
that ship there's always two mates and
no cap'n."
''THIs," said the dentist, "is my effice."
"And that?" inquired visitor, pointing
to the apartment where stood the tooth
pulling chair. "Ah, that" replied the
proprietor, "that is my drawing room."
"MRs. JONES, you must come into
my room soon and see my lovely baby"
said fond mother to a fellow-lodger.
Thank you, l heard him all last night"
was the equivocal reply.
MRS. PARTINaToN has been reading
the health officers weekly report, and
nant disease, since as many die of il as
all the rest put together.
LANDLADY," said he, the coffee is
not settled" "No," she replied, "but
it comes as near it as your last months
board bill does;" and that man never
spoke again during the meal.-Syracuse
Times.
A MAN asked for admission to a show
for half price, as he had but one eye.
But the manager told him it would take
him twice as long to see the show as it
would anybody else, and charged him
double.
He had killed man while under the
influence of liquor, and as the sheriff
doomed criminal said he had sworn never
to take another DROP" and he hoped
they wouldn't insist.
"WHAT we want now," commenced
confused and tinid speaker at meeting
Of debating society, "is-is-not-no
SO much what We don't want rs that
which we most require" His hearers
agreed with him.-No,ristooon Herald.
IT is to be desired that the race of
fools shall become extinct as soon as pos
sible, and We trust that none of the wo-
men who have visited Chastine Cox and
presented him with bouquets are mar
ried, and that none of them ever will
be.-Puck.
A LONDON newspaper relates that
when a Frenchman, who fell overheard
from the steamer which took the Golden
club back from Greenwich, was rescued
and returned to the deck, the first thing
he courteously said was that he hoped
he had not kept the steamer waiting.
A WIFE wanted her husband to SYM
pathize with her in a feminine quarrel,
but he refused, saying: "Tve lived long
enough to know that one woman is as
good as another, if not better. "And
l." retorted the wife, shave lived long
enough TO know that one man is as bad
as another, if not worse"
A QUAINT writer says: II have seen
women so delicate that they were afraid
to ride horse for fear of the horse rum
ming away; afraid to sail for fear the
boat might upset; afraid to walk for fear
they might fall; but have never seen
one afraid to be married, which is far
more riskful than all the others put to.
gether."
"WHAT are you worth?" asked rich
old miser of young man who was court
ing his only daughter. "Not much
now, but Pm coming into large fortune
in few years." was the reply. The
marriage took place, and then the old
miser learned that the large fortune
which the young man was coming into
was his father-in-law's.
AN original thinker never thinks the
things that other people think.-Ne,o
Orleans Picayune. But when one thinks
that another is thinking things that no
other could think, and he thinks he will
, try to outdo him by thinking greater
thinks than he thinks the other is think
ing, We think he is about as foolish ~
, We are in thinking of this thing at ALL
Boston Com. advertiser.
A CERTAIN colonial legion now extinct,
, possessed at one time an officer who
, would have we'll passed for an own
. brother to Mrs. Malaprop. His son be-
came victim to the tender passion, aud
while the spooning was at its hottest,
. S-"of ours" meets Malaprop pere,
and says: cold fellow, is it true that
. your son Joe is engaged to Miss Daeh2
Every one talks Co." "It matters but
little, Captain 8 -" replies Malaprop,
pompously, " what people talk. There
are always 50 many cunards flying about
} that it is difficult to believe anything.
} Whatever hear, Iswsllow with = dose
of salts. Joe is not afianced. Miss
Dash has certainly enameled him, COM
| pletely enameled him. He has put
/, | I'll ~