Smyrna times., 1879-09-17
WHOLE NO. 1912.
Newspaper Waits.

Suspicious-A sausage.maker advertises
lis wares as dog cheap"
"Troth is there; just fine spring bub.
bling up beside the ash-tree."
A Dublin newspaper says: GA number
Of deaths are unavoidably postponed"
Mr.. Talmage will return in October, and
then the theatrical season will be fairly
opened.-B'11alo ErpreSs.
The watering places are better patronized
this year than since 1872, and Niagara's
visitors show falling off.
The chrome that comes with package of
tea is less a work of art than is the stuff
called tea.-Nc,0 Orleans Pcapne.
A writer stated in a recent obituary
notice that the deceased was born in his
native town, where he has ever since re-
sided"
One man asked another why his beard
was so brown and his hair so white. "Be.
cause" he replied, lone is twenty years
younger than the other"
Investigator " wants to know what is
good for cabbage worms. Bless your soul,
man, cabbages of course. good plump
cabbage will last several worms a week.
Some people will commit crime with one
foot in the grave. A woman one hundred
years old is reported as learning to play an
an accordeon up in Vermont.-BoSton Post.
The widows of Brigham Young do not
bedew his grave with tears, and the New
Haven Register thinks it is fortunate, as "if
they should, and all at once, it would wash
the whole business away"
A Pennsylvania boy made gun of sec
ton of gas pipe. He was an ingenious
| little fellow, and but for his untimey death
might have accomplished perpetual motion
some day.-Bo6alo Erpress.
The Worcester Gazette prints some com.
ments on the Frye murder in the middle of
its baseball article. The mistake was in
heading the column : Sporting Matters"
instead of murders.-BOstOn Post.
Some one asked Prince c. what the
great powers of Europe were. He replied
as only n Frenchman could, and wits the
wit of Talleyrand: "They are England,
Germany, France, Russia, and-women."
"Can there be happiness where there is
no love?" solemnly queries an author in
book on marriage. Not much happiness,
perhaps, but if the girl is awfully rich there
can be lots of fun.-DePrsred RockLand
Courier.
The japanese Premier, Prince Kung,
addressed General Grant in English, so
called. Trying to compliment him by as
suring him that he was born to command,
he said: "Sre Brave Generate you vos
made to orderr
"If Lincoln had not died." exclaimed a
political orator, what would he have been
t to-day ?" "Alive," sadly ventured a timid-
looking man on back seat, and the tide Of
eloquence was momentarily checked
E Burlington Hao0keye.
. Some one has opened cafe just opposite
a cemetery in Paris. He dedicates his
house {" to those coming from funerals" and
= = announces on his private sign, Private
= rooms for all who desire to weep by them
! selves. Wine and liquors of the very best. "
,. . Paris Letter.
r The boy who substitutes a living for a
e dead hornet in the collection of neal
n sighted entomologist, and then asks the
IS man of science to show where the insects
d sting is located, should be held responsible
If for any irreligious sentiments the victim
n may advance.-BoSton Globe.
r. A very tedious old actor, whose Hamle
e occupied four hours, was once playing tht
is part in a town in the Potteries, and
y with plenty of emphasis, and no discretion
Is was Ilading out" the celebrated soliloquy
be-or-not-to-be,' when al
irreverent gallery-boy called out to him
IN "Oh, toss up for it, mister and don
ps preach. ."-B,rLngtOn Ha,0keye.
to The man who attempted to ruin Edlso
IS. when the phonograph was exhibited, b
RS surreptitiously substituting for the TO
ut registering the notes of a celebrated prim
IS, donna a foil registering the vocal efforts Q
ty n cat suspended by the tail, had the satl
IS, faction of hearing the enlightened Ne
lis York audience, including several muslca
er critics, 90 into raptures over the correct r
l." production of the diva's singing, while th
ee only man who found fault was leathe
ed dealer from Boston.-BoSton Post.
est
it. A well-known joker, being one night at
ig. theatre, fancied he saw friend some thr'
IN seats in front of him. Turning to his ne1
neighbor, he said F.: " Would you be kin
enough to touch that gentleman with yor
no. stick ~ Certainly" was the reply, an
90 the thing was DONE But when the indivi
as. nal thus assaulted turned round, the wa
~ saw he was not the man he took him 10
.co ane became at once absorbed In the pla
I'd leaving his neighbor with the stick
On. settle matters with the gentleman in fror
Ie which, as he had no excuse ready, was n
done without considerable trouble. Wht
ob the hubbub was over the victim sal
ms "Didn't you ask me, sir to tap that mi
he with nv stick 2" "Yes." "What did "
nili want?" "Oh," said the joker, with impel
,ne urable gravity, {" l wanted to see wheth
olt you would"
'eu A traveller stopped at an inn for SUPP
and lodging, and, on retiring, put his boz
outside his chamber door to be cleaned.
he. the morning he found them as he had l.
lral them, whereupon he rang his bell furious
Gus The landlord came, and, having hea
ent the guests complaint, he sent for "boot
ing, The how came-a tow headed lout oi sev'
grl' teen years. in corduroys and smock'tro'
rles Bow" demanded Bonifce terribly, W
ger didn't you clean this gentleman's DO
when YOU cleaned the othersT Boo
eur ?" drawled the lout. "Whar be they
ons "There they stand-right where !
end them,m said the guest. The boy looF
sing down at the boots, then bent and lifted
fern of them into the light of a distant wind'
{ an 1t was certainly an exceptional boot-rei
red. monstrosity. Waal," grunted
clown, looking up with dubious Ii
cost struggling upon his grimy visage, come
kill see 'em in ter lott und 'ey be summat !
L. 81.