Connecticut western news., 1879-02-26
WIT AND WISDOM.

Why's beefsteak like nowiy-made hay? Because the cat1l eat it. i The waters very often get angry, and then you see the waters pout.
 Some tramps are good singers until they strike chord-of wood.
 Almost ell of us are generous to fault, if the fault happens to be our own.
 A Baltimoreaa advertises for a' position as son-;n-law in family ot means"
 A lively female gossip, who has but one arm, is known as "ths shorthand reporter"
 There is very little use in making to-day cloudy because tomorrow ia likely to be stormy.
 There is only one better thing than to appear to be virtuous and happy, and that is to really be so. i;-A bad boy becomes @ bad man about as easily and almost as inevitably as stadpole becomes frog. W
 House cleaning is like man going through tunnel on dark night. He never knows when he's through.
 The man who sighed for the wings of bird did not, apparently, know that the legs were much nicer eating.
 Twins are the paro-pets of 9 house. You wouldn't think so though If you occupied the same room at night with them. "
 The tramps have already begun to palm themselves off as Afghan sufferers, driven away from their homes by the British army.
 We have been requested to state that all the doggerel under comic valentines this year was written by inmates of insane asylums.
 The immaculate purity of politics is indicated in the Buffalo Express by the modern motto of office-holders, "United we steal, divided we can't"
 Help others when you can but don't give away Q two-shilling iack-knife when you are too poor to even buy tho busted end of tooth-pick.
 Says Giles, "My wife and I are two. yet faith I know not why, sir Y Ouoth Jack, "You're ten, if think true-she's one and you're cipher"
 When man owes debt and re- fuses to pay more than half of it. he calls the arrangement a compromise with his creditors. The creditors call 1t Q swindle.
 One of the meanest things on earth is to get mans signature to 8 petitlon to open lateral sewer and then uHe nus name to certify to the virtues of some one's cough syrup.
 Why do women do less scolding m February than in any other month m the year? Answer by smart chap who bangs his hair" Because 1t IS the shortest month."
 -"You see," said Col. Flipem, 1T didn't marry the girl because she turned out a deoeiver." "Yes," said bystander, "the deceiver she turned Oub Whb SOAs t hPOhAs
 It is said that the laws of nature are always consistent with themselves. This can hardly be true, since many Q man who sowed wild oats has been known to reap hemp instead.
 We wish it distinctly understood by ouack doctors that we have no room m this paper for their humbug advertise ments, although we appreciate their un- selfishness in offering to pay us in pills.
 "Have I not promised you would | do better ?" asked dissIpated husband of his wife. "You certainly have, my dear, but you have fed me on nothing hut promises ever since we were wed.
 Mother to her child Now, then, Arthur, do try and eat your broth. Arthur-I can't. Mother-Nonsense. i One can do anything one wants to do. Arthur-Well, then, I don't want to. Already it is announced that the "heft" of the fruit crop for another season is ruined. Shippers will probably order the bottom of their baskets raised another inch or so on the strength of it. A rich man sent to call a physician for some slight disorder. The physician felt his pulse and said, "Do you eat we'll p' "Yes," said the patient. DO you sleep we'll ?" "I do." "Oh, then," said the physician, "I must give you something to take away all that.
 Fortune very closely resembles a coy young girl who is playing young man as he would play trout. If she finds that you have the pluck to be indifferent she is apt to bestow her smiles, but if she sees that she can break your heart she will do 1t just for the pleasure of mending it again.
 A short-sighted man went to an opticians to change his glasses, which were not strong enough. After he had got the right ones he asked, "What number must wear when these cease to be strong enoughP" This one, :" said the optician, showing him another pair. "And after that ?" "This. "And after that?" "After that After thata You'll need little dog and okrspsy 0