Millheim Journal. [volume] (Millheim, Pa.) 1876-1984, 1879-11-06
HUMOROUS.

HUMOROUS.
nj. Y. and his spouse dine together.
The meal is almost over, wheE he takes
the bottle of Bordeaux, in which Is left
n scanty half-glass OF liquor, and pre-
pares to empty it into his own tumbler.
"Don't, darling, DON'T" cries his
wife, who il superstltious; "if you
drink the last drop of that wine you
VIII be married again before the year
is out, and love you tso much for
that"
And she emptied the wine into her
own glass and tosses Ii off.
ScKNE.-Augusta's boudoir. Lucy
holds an open letter In her hand, and
says: "Well, you see, dear, only met
him at Mount Desert this summer, and
we did fiirt desperately, but its too alb
surd, his writing to me now and propos-
ing now isn't itP" "Awfully
bold, l think; but then it is just like
man. Shall you accept him?" Lucy
-Welll | don't know what to do. lie
don't deserve 1t, but then he's awfully
handsome, and besides | really think |
would be good wife. | can make
splendid corn bread.
A GOOD woman, after the death cf
her husband, had married brother OF
the departed. She preserved, never
theless, In her dining room, picture
of her first spouse. One day guest at
the table, noticing the portrait, asked
her IL it was member OF her family.
"Yes," replied the lady frankly, cit is
the portrait of my poor brother-in-
law"
A NAN was once asked how he and
his wife got along with so little fric-
ton in the family machinery. "Well,
said he when we first married we both
wanted our own way. | wanted &c
sleep on linen sheets, my wife preferred
cotton, and we couldn't agree. Finally
we talked the matter over and came &c
the conclusion that it was unchristiar
TO live in constant bickerlng; so we
compromised on linen and have got
along all right ever since.
BoGCS CERTIFICATEs.-It Is no vile
drugged stuff, pretending TO be made of
wonderful foreign roots, barks, &C.,
and pulled up by long bogus certificates
of pretended miraculous cures, but q
simple, pure, effective medicine, made
of we'll known valuable remedies, that
furnishes its own certificates by Its
cures. We refer TO Hop Bitters, the
pureSt and best of medicines.--El-
! change. See another column.
COLONEL McClurg kicked a man out
of an Alabama hotel for n personal af-
front. Six months after he saw the
same man kicking another poor fellow
out of another hotel. "Tush, man" "
said the Colonel-"Hold, but aln't you
the man / kicked out of the Nassau
House, n little while ago?" keep
still, colonel" was the response
Don't say one word. You and know
who it viii do TO kick"
HE was plain old granger, and
when his son informed him that he
had determined to go to college and
learn something, the old gentleman
looked straight at him and said: Now
look-a-herc, John, you may learn
readin', ritin', 'rIthmetic, and q little
biography, but il you grapple with any
o. them dead langwidges, III kill yeu
when you come home, SOS they'll do
you some good"
NINE. D., who has been guilty of ut
tering a hasty word to one OF the SER
wants, repents and says kindly to him,
"John, I'm afraid / spoke Grossly to
you few moments ago."
John generously, "Oh, madame, you
know that | always make allowances
for my poor employers!'
"Do you see here where you are
charged, sir. with being drunk and
| disorderly ?" observed the recorder
holding out the affidavit Just signed and
sworn to by policeman. The tramp
took the affidavit, read it carefully, uI'
side down and replied: Am TO blame
never wrote that"
FIRST Boy-"Where yer bin, Billy p
Second Boy-"Bin fishin'." First Boy
-"Ketch anythin'P" with an anxious
expression on his face. Far-seeing
Second Boy-'No. But L expect ter
when / get into the house."
AN unpleasant passenger on a street
car iS n crying Baby. In such cases
DIR. Bulls Baby syrup should be given
to the little sufferer to ease its troubles
| 20 cents q bottle.
THE pastor and deacons OF a church
at GAINESVILLE, Texas, are said to have
played poker, at 5 cents ante and 81
cents limit, while waiting for quorum
at business meeting.
He is a wise preacher who pauseS In
his PRAYER when the flre alarm sounds
to allow his people to count the strokes
and locate the box.
THOSE who work can take care o.
themselves, A kind Providence mus
provide for loafers.
ARE you a wall flower" he asked
and she replied, s'No, am wall SIR
Then they waltzed.
AN Oswego woman thinks her hus
band very stern-because he's Away
behind.
WAS William Penn's pocket-hand
kerchief the original pen wiper? Who
nose?
CHEMICAL analysis fails to find the