The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1879-11-19

parauvely dull.
Detectives are now busy in an effort to
ferret out the incendiarY who destroyed the
newspaper establishment. The agitation Of
the community and the bitterness of the diff
ferent factions are not surpassed in YaZoo
county, nor in any other hot-blooded South
ern district. -..H ~.
MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.
Has Response to the Toast "The Babies"
at the Grant Banquet at CHICAGO.
The humorous speech of the evening was
made by Samuel L. Clemens, otherwise
"Mark Twain,'' in response to the novel SEN
timent of "The Babies
''The Babies" As they comfort us in our
sorrows, let us not forget them in our fes.
tivities. 1 Laughter.]
like that! We haven't all had the good
fortune to be ladies' laughter I'VE haven't
all been generals, or poets, or statesmen;
but when the toast works down to the ''Ba-
bies'' We stand on common ground, for we:v We
all been there-been babies. Laughter and
applause. It is shame that for thousand
years, the worlds banquets have utterly ig-
nored the baby, as if he didn't amount to
anything. If you gentlemen will stop and
think for minute-if you will go back
fifty or hundred years, to your early mar
ried life-[laughter]- and reoontemplate
your first baby, you will remember that he
amounted to good deal, and even some
when that little fellow arrived at family
resignation. Laughter. He took en-
fira md /:
lackey, his mere body-servant, and
YOU HAD TO STAND AROUND
too. He was not q commander who made
allowances for time, distance, weather or
anything else you had to execute his order,
whether it was possible or not. Laughter
And there was only one form of marching
in his manual of tactics, and that was the
double quick. He treated you with every
sort of insolence and disrespect, and the
bravest of you didn't dare to say q word.
You could face the deathstorm of Donelson
and Vicksburg, and give back blow for blow
applause -but when lie clawed your
whiskers, and pulled your hair, and twisted
your nose, you had to take it. Laugnter.1
When the thunders of war sounded in your
ears, you set your face to the batteries, and
advanced with steady tread; but when he
turned on the terrors of his warwhoops, you
advanced In the other direction laughter
he called for soothing syrup did you venture
to throw out ..
ANY SIDE REMARKS n
about certain services being unbeooming an
officer and a gentleman? Laughter.l No.!
You got up and got it. If he ordered his
pap-bottle, and it wasn't warm, did you talk
back? Not you! You went to work and
warmed it. You even descended 30 far in
your mental Office as to take a suck at that
warm, insipid stuff yourself, to see if it was
right three parts water to one of milk, q
touch of sugar to modify the collie, and q
drop of peppermint to kill those immortal
hiocoughs. I can taste it yet. [Roars of
laughter. 5-.. a-, -. ~ veg
And how many things you learned, as you
went along. Sentimental young folk still
took stock in that beautiful old saying, that
when the baby smiles in his sleep it is be-
cause the angels are Whispering to him. Very
pretty, but "too thin" Laughter. Simply
wind on the stomach, my friends! If the
baby proposed to take walk at his usual
hour-half past two In the morning didn't
you rise up promptly and remark, with a
mental addition which wouldn't improve q
Sunday school book much, that that was the
very thing you were about to propose your
self :? koars.] Oh, you were under good
discipline! And, as you went Tutoring up
and down the room in your s'undress uni
FORM" you not only prattled .undignifed
baby-tslk, but you tuned up your martial
voice and tried to sing, tRock by, baby, in
the tree-top,'' for instance. What spec
tacle for An army of the Tennessee TRoars
of laughter. And what an affliction for the
neighbors, too; for it isn't everybody within
mile around that likes military music at
in the morning. And when you had been
keeping this sort of thing up two or three:
hours, and your little velvet. head intimated
that nothing suited him like exercise and
noise-"go on''- what did you do?
I'D. YOU SIMPLY WENT ON
till you dropped in the last ditch. [Great
laughter. The iSea that baby doesn't
amount to anything! Why one baby is lust
house and front yard full by itself; one
baby can furnish more business than You
and your whole interior department can at
tend to; he is enterprising, irrepressible,
brim full of lawless activities; do what YOU
please, you can't make him stay on the res
ervation. Prolonged laughter. Sufficient
unto the day is one baby. As long as you
are in your right mind, don't you ever pray
for twins. Roars of laughter and bushes
by Gen. Sheridan. Twins amount to per-
manent riot, and there amt any real differ
ence between triplets and an instruction.
Laughter. Yes, it was high time for
toastmaster to recognize the importance Of
the "Babies." Think what is in store for
THE PRESENT CROP.
Fifty years hence We shall all be dead
trust-and then this fsg,if it still survives
and let Us hope it msy-will be floating over
republic numbering two hundred million
souls, according to the settled laws of our in
crease; our present schooner Of state will
have grown into political leviathan-a
Great Eastern-and the Graded babies Of to.
day will be on deck. Let them be we'll
trained, for We are going to leave big con
tract on their hands. Applause. Among