, 1879-04-05
DiVerSitieS.


20 your pocketbOok, for that is his objective
point.
0'Leary was alcoholised, the HorM says
before he began to walk. The result was
that he was alcohaulded off.
There is no time when it is so instructive
to read the hymn book as when the eontri-
butian box is being passed.
The great moral question of the hopr is
whether the wife of a man who is divorced
ought to be called a spare rib.
Music hath charms to sOoth the savage.
THIS is why We occasionally see . cross dog
with a brass band around his neck.
II you do not want to have wrong deed
knGwa there is one rule, and only one,
which leads to perfect success. Don't do it.
The reason why lady has never become
famous as a paragrapher is that a two line
paragranh with ten line postscript is a
failnre
The man who blows his nose at the thea
have beautiful busle, but he has no soul
for the unitics
there are some men in the world so mean
J..as Uliey skim the milk at the top and then
sigh because they can't turn it aver and
skim it on the bottom
If you want to spoil your child give him
kerosene lamp to play with. The chances
are that after the explosion he will lie apo led
pretty completely.
De Lord made lie clullud man,
He made him In de night +;
He made him in n hurry,
An forgot to make him white.
A typo went a skating,
And slipped into the drink;
They advertised and found him quick
So much for printers sink.
':Do you, said Fanny, t'other day,
I'm earnest love me rs you say?
Or are those tender words applied
Alike to fifty girls beside:'
"Dear, cruel girl cried |, ''forbear;
For by those eyes, those lips i swear"
She stopped me as the oath | took,
And cried, you've sworn, NOW E!ss the book .
A son Of one OF the Siamese TWINS is
achieving high honors III an Eastern college,
which leads funny man to ask, why
shouldn't he rise in tie world? His father
was well connected"
A Pennsylvania cow dispoSes of nineteen
buckets of water at one drinking, and she
doesn't live near a river either.-N. \. Com.
4du She probably drinks one and kicks
over the eighteen,
Mr. Conkiing We learn, pares his nails in
the Senate Chamber. We blush, we deeply
blush, for Mr. Conkiing,s manners. But
perhaps he parcs them merely to keep HIM
self from scratching somebody.
He stood at his window one Sunday,
Thinking to see something funny
He saw L girl in 4 ear,
And leaned out too far,
And there WAS funeral on Monday
No man can be suspicious of Others with
out making others suspicious OF him, and no
man can spend his time IN talking against
the honesty Os others without exciting the
feeling that he himself will bear watchin:.
The male is disappointing animal. One
fell down shaft IN Maryland q.shty-five
fset deep. Every one sai4l, That mules
dead, but it was hriste', up un,nj'ired, and
walked away, and lust IS every one S4;d,
That mules hot hur;, 1t l4:d down and
died
The Austrian Parliament House iS TO be
provided with a new machine for voting. As
Ii is warranted. to refuse all 81, 009 bribes, 1t
is not likely 20 he introduced into this eoun-
try. What the Amer can $: want Is machine
that will noJ vote i.se!t thousands ot dollars
worth of back pay, nor prolong the sessions
by doing 10 work the first three months.
Johnny Gaus, a republican member OF the
Legislature from Lycoming county, Is re-
ported as saying before the senatorial e.ec.
ton: IF | vote for Cameron, | hope God
Almighty will strike me dead" As he did
vote for Cameron and is still living, We infer
that the Almighty has delegated the Devil
to attend to Johnnie's case.
Bishop Gilbert Haven comes to the front
sggain with proposition to hang most OF the
Southern people. He wants the Govern
ment to exercise the wise bnt bloody sever
ity of Pennsylvania in tie ''Alollie Mcguire
business Bishop Haven is a--a-bishop! !!
We were going to say christian, but on
second thought find that it wont TT him.
If Corbin, the miserable South Carolina
carpet -basger, had got Buffers seat IN the
Senate, as the republicans desired, he wonld
have had only one week to serve but eoni'
haze drawn his salary the same as if he has
served the whole session. II Is sort OF re-
yiving to think that Don Cameron helped
it to sit down on the pretenticas wretch.
The great difficulty with some young men
who fan distractedly in love is that their al
feesion Is too deep. 1ney even love IL
ground The lady walks on, bat if she had no
ground to walk on they wouldn't love her so
much. Human nature can exhibit a fearful
amount of devoted affection, provided the
Youur lady has real estate enough to make
it an object.
Commissioner of the Liquor Business
is the title OF new officer to be created
under Fo4st's bill to prohibit the nanufac-
ture and sale of Intoxicating liquors. This
officer is to have 4 big salary, OF course
only 81, $40 per annum-and he Is to be a
sort of general Paul Pry and stick-his-nose-
into-othsr peoples business sort OF a fellow
Mr.. Foust ought to hav a leather medal.
4 vialont anti-tobaeco lecturer recently
made the astounding statement that there
were |, $50, l43, OD0 cigars made in this conn
try last year, and if they were all laid end
to end, they would encircle the globe hive
times. Well, land alive, what if they wcnld
That's no argument against smoking. There
.%enty times so many ioaves OF bread
3 81 A t baked in this country last year,
hrere ell piled up in one straight
re would stick cut Of the other
-'llery stack, but
'-,ad WAS 4