Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1879-11-21
BABIES.

- nIll1u1nlalnulunrn
BABIES. !
WHAT MARK TWAIN HAD TO SAY ON THIS |
REMARKABLE THEME
) The fifteenth and last regular toast at |
the recent banquet Of the Army Of the
Tennessee. in Chicago, at which General
Grant was present. was 1.-The Babies AS
they comfort US In our sorrows, let us not
forget them in our festivitles;" and to- this
Samuel L. Clemmens responded. Hesaid:
like that. We have not all had the
good fortune to be ladies. Wehave notall
been generals, or poets or statesmen, but
when the toast works down to The babies,
we stand on common ground [lauRhterl,
for we have all been babies Renewed
laughter.l 1t is y shame that for thous-
and years the worlds banquets have utter
ly ignored the baby Llaughter] rs though
he didn't amount to anything. Laughter
will 60 back fifty or one hundred years TO
your early married life Caughterl and re-
contemplate your fist Oaby. you will re-
member that he amounted to q good deal,
and even something over. Roar. You
soldiers all know that when the little fel.
low arrived ut family headquarters you
had to hand in your resignation. Laugh
teri He TOOK entire command. You be-
came his lackey; hismere body servant, land
you had to stand around too. [Laughter.]
He was not q commander who made allow
ances for time, distance weather or any
thing else. Convulsive .screams.l You
had to execute his order whether it was
possible or not [r0arsI. and there was only
one form Of marching in his manual OF
tactics, and that was the double quick
[Shouts.l He treated you with every sort
Of ins0lence and disrespect [laughterl. and
the bravest Ut you didn't dare say word.
death storm Of Doneison aud Vicksburg.
and give back blow for blow. but when he
clawed your whiskers aud pulled your hair
and twisted your nose, you had 10 take 1t.
[R0ars.l When the thun iers.0f war were
sounding in your ears YOU set your races
toward the batteries aid advanced with
steady tread. but when he turned on the
terrOrs Of his warwhoOp [laughter] you ad-
vanced IN the other direction, and mighty
glad of the chance, too Renewed laugh
Ter. When he called for soothing syrup,
did you venture to throw out any side re-
marks about certain services being gnbe.
coming an officer and . gentleman? Boist-
erous laughter.1 No, you got up and got
it. lGreat laughter When he ordered his
pap bottle" and it was not warm, did
| you talk back? Laughter.] Not you
Renswed laughter. You went to work
and warmed it. [ShOuts.] You even de-
| scended so far in your mental Office as. to
take suck ut that warm, insipid stuff,
[laughterl. just to see II it was right-three
parts water to one Of milk, (tumultous
laughter. j touch of sugar to modify the
collie [lauRhter]. and drop Of peppermint
| to kill those immortal hiccOughs. ROars.
can taste that stuff. Laughter.] And
how many things you learned as you went
along. Sentimental young folks still take
stock in that beautiful old saying, that
when the baby smiles it is because the an
giles are whispering to him. Very pretty,
but too thin; simply wind on the stomach,
| my friends. [Sh0uts II the baby pro-
posed 10 take q walk ut his usual hour two
O'Clock in the morning [laughter.] didn't
you rise up promptly and remark, with .
mental addition, which would not improve
Sunday -sch0ol book much laughter that
that was the very thing you were about to
propose yourself. [Great roars.l On, you
were under good discipline [laughterl and
as you went pattering up and down the
room in an undress uniform [laughter] you
not only prattled undignifed baby talk but
even tuned up your martial voice and tried
| to lung 'Rock-a-by, baby. in the tree-top,'
spectacle for an Army of the Tennessee.
daughter, and what an affection for the
neighbors, too, for it is not everybody with
IN mile around that likes military music
1T three O'Clock ia the morning. Laugh
teri And when you had been keeping this
thing up two or three hours, and your lit
tie velvet head intimated that nothing
suited him like exercise and noise laugh
ter go on''l. what did you do? You
l a ho a.
ditch. [Laughter.] The idea that baby
| doesn't amount to auythingl Why, the
baby is just house and front yard full by
itself. Laughter One baby can furnish
| more business than you and your whole In
to, ior Department can attend to-. Laugh
ter. He is enterprising, irrepressibie. brim
full of lawless activities. LAughter.] Do
what you please, you can't make him stay
on the reservation. [Grcat shouts SUI
ficient unto the day IL one baby. Laugh
ter. As long as you are in your right
mind don't you ever pray for twins
| Laughter. mir. Clemmens is the father
of pair.1 Twins amount to permanent
riot [iaughter], ind there amt any real diff
| ference between triplets and an insurrec-
ton. [Upreari"us shouts Yes, it was
1 high time for toast 10 the masses to rec
o2nize the Importance Of The babies
| ]LaOghter.] Think what is in store for the
present crop. fifty years from now. We
shall all be dead, trust [laughterl, and
| then this flag, if it still survive-and let US
hope it may-will be floating over repub-
! lie numbering zoo. 00u, 600 souls, according
/ to the settled laws of our Increase. Our
| present schooner of state [laughter] will
have grown into q political levlathan-
4 Great Eastern. The Graded babies of
! to-day will be on deck-let them be we'll
trained, for we are going to leave big
contract on their hands. Laughter. j.
Among the three or four million cradles
now rocking in the lsnd are some which
| this nation would preserve for ages as sa-
| they are. In one Of these cradles the un-
| conscious Farragut of tie future is at this
moment teething. daughter Think VI
it, and, putting III q word Of dead earnest,
! inarticulated, but perfectly justi6able, pro,
family over it, too. Lau..h,er ! IL an
other the future-renOWned astronomer is
blinking at the shmlhg milky way with but
q liquid interest-poOr little chap-and
| wondering what has become Of that one
they call the wet nurse. [Laughter.] In
| another the future great historian Saying,
ana doubtless will continue to lie laugh
teri until his earthly mission is ended. In
another the future president is bnsying
himself with no prDfounder problem Of
state than what the mischief has become
of his hair So early, [laughterl, aud in a
mighty array of other cradles there are now
some sixty thousand future office
getting ready to furnish him occasion to
Rrapple with that same old problem sec
ond time; and III still one more cradle,
some where uuder the flag, the future illus
trious Commander in. chief Of the Ameri-
can armies is SO little burdened with his
approaching grandeurs and responsibilities
as to be giving his whole strategic mind at