Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-05-23
Turning o Joke ON Artemus Ward.

A writer in the Baltimore Ernv Sat.
.srddy received the following story
from John p. Smith, who was the ed.
vance agent of Artemus Ward during
his lecturing tour in this county,
Artemus was lecturing with his PIANO.
rama Of Salt Lake. in Canada, and a
business was good he was in CORES.
pondingly high spirits and his pockets
were full Of coin.
The day before they were to leave
smith told Ward that as silks were so
much cheaper in the British Posses.
sions than in the United States, he had
purchased . large piece Of silk and was
going to take it to his wife a. present.
Ward was pleased with the idea, and in
the same confidence told Smith that he
had also purchased Q piece Of melton
cloth, and both conferred with each
other 80 - to pass the custom house.
Ward suggested to Smith to wrap the
silk around his body, and Smith in turn
advised Artemus to place his cloth
within the folds OF his panorama of Salt
Lake. They each agreed to take the
others advice, and Smith left the next
morning to go over to the States in ad.
vance. The bundle of silk wound
around him made him feel quite un.
comfortable, especially when he came
to the custom house and commenced in.
terrogating about his baggage.
The official was very polite and passed
his baggage without murmer, and
then invited him into his private Office,
handed him cigar, and begged him to
take q seat.
The heat of the room began to make
Smith very uncomfortable and he arose
togo.
Be seated, sir" said the official,
"I want to have little chat with you"
mol must be going" said the
genial John. Il can't stand sitting so
long, and then I've great deal to at.
tend to-"
You seem to be very stoutish
kind of a man." said the officer.
Yes," said Smith, his face getting
red, and the warmth from the silk in
creasing--" I'm pretty solid, but I can't
stand hot ROOM"
"Ah," said the inspector, "what's
the trouble2 Anything the matter with
your chest or lungs?"
"Only a slight oppression" replied
Smith.
Oppression about the lungs p ex.
claimed the officer, rising and advanc.
ing toward the suffocating agent. "Let
me make an examination for you, sir,
it may be dangerous. Please remove
your coat"
Its nothing-it will soon pass
away" replied Smith, inwardly pray
ing for chance to escape.
my dear friend, you should not al
low yourself to suffer q moment" said
the officer. land I insist upon examin-
ing your chest. Doubtless can relieve
you of all your trouble"
The inspector insisted, and the discom.
fitted agent, after vainly trying to escape
from his solicitation, finally acknowl-
edged the corn, and confessed to having
the concealed silk upon his person.
The officer laughed heartily, and
said: I" knew it all the while. Here's
letter received this morning." And
he handed Smith letter written by
Ward, informing the inspector that a
smuggler would endeavor to pass q
quantity of silk, describing Smiths APP
pearance, and claiming one-half of the
reward for the information. Smith
was indignant, of course, but deter
mined to get even with the incorrigible
joker, so he told the officer about Ward
having the roll of cloth concealed in his
panorama.
The inspector appreciated the joke,
and let Smith off with small penalty.
The next morning Artemus Ward ar
rived ct the custom house with his pan
Drama, when the inspector commenced
intorrogating him, and insisted upon
his letting him have glimpse of his
beautiful pictures. ..-t.
Ward tried every excuse, but the off,
Ger was importunate, and finally he was
obliged to have his man unwind one
section of the panorama before the in
spector.
Artemus stood by and explained the
views, until suddenly the cloth came to
light, and as it slowly unwound in front
OF the pictures Ward struck an attitude
like his performance upon the stage,
and in the drawl of the exhibitor said:
"This view is slightly encountered
with twenty yards of melton cloth.
That d-n Smith told you all about it.
What's the damage? -.
The inspector soon settled the ques-
ton of charges, and for once Artemus
found himself caught by his own joke.
If Darwin would change his tactics
and insist that all men were once brutes
because some men are brutes now, and
that the generalization is fair one, we
should be inclined to accept his theory
At once. 1t is simply absurd to place
20 much emphasis on the hypothesis
that the human race once had tails,
which tails were curtailed by slow de-
grees, until at last the peculiarly of no
tail was entailed, so that nowadays no
one can truly say of man thereby
hangs q tail" We say it is simply ab.
surd to suck at this dry orange when
better facts and arguments are to be bad
for the asking. It would not be great
strain on the scientific imagination to
assert that, even in good society, there
are human cats, who affectionately NEW
and purr at the feet of the rich man and
lift the velvet from their claws when
they deal with the poor man and hui
m an anakea who crawl athrOu0b the