The weekly clarion. [volume] (Jackson, Miss.) 1863-1882, 1879-11-26
Boss1NG BABIES.

MARK TwAIN'S RESPONSE To THE FIJI
n TENTH TOAST AT THE BANQUET AT TIL
2 REUNION oFTHE CUMBERLAND, RECENT
LY HELD IN CHICAGO.
10 The Babies, as they comfort us in on
i SORROWS, let US not forget them in our fes
. tiyities.
The following is Mark Twain's respons
! to the toast Babies" which was the hu
merous event of the occasion. The fifteenth
, and last regular toast was The Babies-A;
I they comfort US in our sorrows, let us mo-
, forget them in our festivities" and to thl:
Samuel L. Clemens responded. He said
| like that. We have not all had the
: good fortune to be ladies. We have not al
been generals or poets or statesmen, but
when the toast works down to the babies,
we stand on common ground, laughter
for we have all been babies. Renewed
laughter. 1t is shame that for thous-
and years the worlds banquets have utterly
ignored the baby laughter as if he didn't
amount to anything Laughter. If you
will stop and think a minute; if you will
go back fifty or one hundred years to your
early married life laughter and recontem-
plate your first baby, you will remember
that he amounted to good deal, and even
something over. Roars. You soldiers
all know that when the little fellow arrived
at family headquarters you had to hand in
your resignation. Laughter He took
entire command. You became his lackey /;
his mere b0dy-servant laughter, and you
had to stand around, too. Renewed laugh
ter. He not commander who made
allowances for time, distance, whether or
any thing else. TConyulsive screams.
You had to execute his order weather it
was possible or not roars and there was
only one form of marching in his manual
of tactics, and that was the double quick.
TShouts. He treated you with every sort
of insolence and disrespect laughter and
the bravest of you didn'td dare say word.
[Great laughter.l You could face the
death-storm of Donelson and Nlcksburg,
and give back blow for blow, but when he
clawed your whiskers and pulled your hair
and twisted your nose, you had to take it.
! TRoars When the thunders of war were
sounding in your ears you set your faces
| toward the batteries and advanced with
steady tread, but when he turned on the
terrors of his warwhoop laughter you
advanced in the other direction, and nigh
| ty glad of the chance, too. Renewed
| laughter When called for soothing strip
did you venture to throw out any, side
remarks about certain services being
unbecoming an officer and a gentleman
| Boisterous laughter. No, you got up and
| got it. Great laughter. When he order
ad his ''pap bottle and it was not warm,
did you talk back? Laughter. Not
you. Renewed laughter. You went to
work and warmed it. Shouts You even
| descended so far in your mental office
as to take a suck at that warm, insipid
stuff laughterl |, just to see if it was right,
three parts water to one of milk tumultu-
Gus laughter, a touch of sugar to modify
| the collie laughter and drop ofpeppermint
to kill those immortal hiccoughs. Roars.
| can taste that stuff. laughter. And
how many things you learned as you went
along. Sentimental young folks still take
stock in that beautiful old saying, that
when the baby smiles it is because the an
gels are whispering to him. Very pretty,
but too thin; simply wind on the stomach,
my friends. Shouts If the baby propos
ed to take a walk at his usual hour, two
O clock in the morning laughter, didn't you
rise up promptly and remark, with a mental
addition, which would not improve a Sun
day school book much [laughterl, that that
was the very thing you were about to pro-
pose yourself Great roars ooh, you
were under good discipline [laughter], and
as you went pattering up and down the room
in an undress uniform laughter you not
only prattled undignifed baby-talk but even
tuned up your martial voices and tried to
lung "Rock-a-by, Baby, in the tree-top," for
instance. Great laughter. What spec
tacle for an army of the Tennessee! laugh
ter and what affection for the neighbors,
too, for it is not every body within mile
around that likes military music at three
clock in the morning. Laughter And
when you had been keeping this sort of
thing up two or three hours, and your little
velvet head intimated that nothing suited
him like exercise and noise laughter-"Go
on what did you do? You simply went
on until you dropped in the last ditch.
I I hot hat noINx
doesn't amount to any thing! Why, the
baby is just house and front yard full by
itself Laughter One baby can fur
nish more business than you and your whole
Interior Department can attend to. Laugh
ter. He is enterprising, irrepressible, brim
full of lawless activities. Laughter DO
what you please, you can't make him stay
on the Reservation. Great shouts Suf-
ficient unto the day is one lately. Laugh
ter. As long as you are in your right
mind, don't you ever pray for twins.
Laughter Mr.. Clemens is the father of a
pair. Twins amount to permanent riot
[ laughter], and there amt any real differ
ence between triplets and an instruction.
Uproarious shouts. Yes it was high time
for toast to the masses to recognize the
Importance of the babies, laughterl. Think
what is in store for the present crop, fifty
years from now. We shall all be dead, |
trust laughter and then this flag, if it still
survive, and let US hope it may, will be float |
ing over Republic numbering 200,000,0 900 |
souls, according to the settled laws of our |
increase. Our present schooner of State |
laughter will have grown into political |
leviathan-a great Eastern. The Graded |
babies of to-day will be on deck-let them |
be well trained, for we are going to leave |
big contract on their hands. Laughter |
Among the three or four million cradles |
now rocking in the land are some which |
this nation would preserve for ages as
sacred things, five could know which ones
they are. In oneof these cradles the I'M
conscious Farragut of the future is at this |
moment teething. Laughter. Think of /
it, and, putting in word of dead earnest, |
inarticulated, but perfectly justifable, |
profanity over it, too, laughter In |
another the future-renowned astronomer is |
blinking at the shining milky way with but |
a liquid interest-poor little chap-and |
wondering what has become of that other |
one they call the wet nurse Laughter |
In another the future great historian is "
ing. and doubtless will continue to lie /
Laughter until his earthly mission is end |
ed. In another the future President is busy |
ing himself with no profounder problem of
State than what the mischief has become /
of his hair so early. Laughter and in |
mighty array of other cradles there are now /
some sixty thousand future offce-seekers |
getting ready to furnish him OCCASION to |
grapple with that same old problem sec
ond time; and in still one more cradle,
some where under the flag, the future |
illustrious Commandments of the /
American armies is so little burdened with |
his approaching grandeurs and responsible
tiles as to be giving his whole strategic |
mind at this moment to trying to find out |
some way to get his big toe into his mouth,
Laughter an achievement which, meaning |
no disresnect. the illustrions guests of this |