Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1879-04-10
Practical PhilOSphy.

We can never bridge the Styx with
the span of life.-Turner's Falls Repo1tey
The Free Press calls baby carriages
that turn out IN this weather croupees.
The small boy inwardly yearns to be
curled up by cucum ber.-NelO Orlean.
Picagune.
Late to bed and early to ryes wears
out the strongest censtitution.-Ne,V Or
leans Pioay1sqe.
An exchange shouts Spring is or
hand" Yes; a regular on handspring
-Ne,U York Herald.
Cheering to owners of real estate
The small boys pantaloons are easily
rent.-Boston Transcript.
Some men read very funny thing
with an inward chuckle-others indulge
in jest-tickleation.-Puck.
Your professional pedestrian may be
said to be a man who profits by his ex-
tremities. -ALbany Journal.
You have, of course, seen many a
beer basement, but did you ever see a
dram attic?-C Chicago Commercial Adler
tiser.
The woman who is ambitious to
make her husbands shirts shine re-
splendently must have an iron will
Toledo Commercial.
The soldier may draw a useful lesson
from the old carpet, observes Puck. 1t
shows its colors the palmer the more it
is beaten.
LAST years beats should now be bur
led six feet deep. If not, they are sure
to sprout again and give much trouble.
Boston Transcript.
"Jane," said he, 81 think, if you lifted
your feet away from the fire, we might
have some heat in the room" And
they hadn't been married two years
either.
THE Canadians did not yell for "pro-
lection" until they learned that their
new Governor General Lorne wrote
spring poetry.-NorristOWn Herald.
THE Nebraska farmer swears that the
blackbirds and grasshoppers sit on his
fence while he is sowing grain and chant
''in that's wheat by and by Territorial
Enterprise
The man who can calmly and serene
ly roll up his trousers and walk half a
mile in a driving rain to catch a train.
is destined to become either a bank
president or Il cherubim. -NciU York En-
press.
IF you don't believe the ladies have
llcense-large license-to become ped
estrians, just watch as she paddles home
in rainstorm. with her love of bon
net on and no UMBRELLA Waterloo Oh.
Serrer.
The small boy is now taken in by his
bigger companion, who persuades him
that dilapidated jack-knife is a good
trade for nice new ball of string and
four three-cent glass agates.-Ne.O Ha-
zen Register.
That was a neat bull one of our cler-
gymen perpetrated in his sermon the
other day. Speaking of Bunyan in
prison, he said: mo one but his blind
daughter came to see him. "-SprinqtfeEd
Union.
Wives are reminded that it is time to
drain their husbands pockets IN antici-
patton of Easter bonnets. Without
thorough draining, no flowers can be ex-
pected.-BoSton Transcript.
Thirty years ago a careless little bow
threw banana skin on the sidewalk.
A few days ago he was hanged. The
rising generation will perceive in this
terrible warning. Philadelphia Chronicle
Herald.
1t is easier for camel to pass through
the eye of needle than it is for q
young woman in a fur-lined silk cloak
to walk along without letting it flap open
just little, to show thai the fur is more
than mere border.
"What do you know of the character
Of this MANI" was asked of witness at
a police court the other day. "What
do | know of his character? / know it
to be unbleachable, your Honor" he re-
piled, with much emphasis.
If you think that no one cares for you
in this cold world, just tell your neigh
bors that you propose to keep hens.
You will be surprised to see what an
immediate interest they will manifest in
LatnabeTnea7,.
If there is any one thing that will
grab man by the ooat-collar and maui
him down through memory's halls it is
to stand idly by and see troop of child
rem enjoying the childish rapture of
sliding down the banisters.-W Waterloo
Observer.
A young man who was kicked off the
front doorstep, while endeavoring to
serenade his girl, by her enraged papa,
was too cautious to call him an old
pirate. but he didn't hesitate to desig-
nate him as a freebooter Cincinnati
Saturday Night.
A raw German who had been sum-
moned for jury duty desired to be re
lieved, giving this reason: "Schudge,
can Mich goot Inglish onderstan'"
Looking over the crowded bar, the
Judge replied: ooh, you can serve.
You won't haYe to understand good
English; you won't hear any such
here"
Horny-handed son of hod-carrier
log. -"Share all money equally, that's
what say" Wife of the same-"And
PLAT would you do wild your share,
O'Shaunnessey?" "Spend it
like brick, we ould fool" "And PLAT
would you do thin?" "Share it all over
again, av course; hand me down that
pipe"
Wash baby up clean and dress him
up real pretty and he will resist all
advances with mostsuperlative cross
ness; but let him eat molasses ginger
bread and fool around the coal-hod for
l half-hour and he will nestle his dear
title dirty face close up to your clean
'hirt-bosom and be just the lovingist
,unningist little rascal in all the world.
-Nea0 Hauen Register.