Ellsworth American. [volume] (Ellsworth, Me.) 1855-current, 1879-06-26
Down-East Wit and Humor.
BY ARTHUR GILMAN.

| bird the owl. and the xrayest nsh the oys-
ter. 1t Is the fools only who are always
serious. Gravity Is often the very essence
OF imposture. Gravity OF demeanor l. no
test Of mental capacity. There are people
| who think they are pious when they are
bilious. Most OF you can call to mind per-
| sons who never make an attempt at mirth
have seen some as inviacibIe as the old
lady At Concord. Have you given cleo
tricity trial for your complaint, madamg'
| asked the minister, as he took tea with the
old lady. "Electric;tyg' said she. well.
yes, reckon have. I was struck by
! lightning last summer, and hove out Of the
/ window. but 1t didn't seem to do me no
sort OF good"
| On the morning after the frat delivery Of
| this lecture in Massachusetts, town the
! driver who Was taking me to the station
! said to me: That was pretty torabie
good what you gave 'en up to the ball las,
/ uight. haven't seen nobody that didn't
/ like it but old Deacon Fry, and he never
| likes iothiug. lie said it might be well
| enough for lish,-minded Kind OF folks. bu,
/ he thotght there was parts on Il was dred-
| ful shallow" The princple OF mirth is not
a deep one. but It Is as innate in the mind
a. any other original faculty we possess.
| More sayings and incidents provocative uf
| tue mHth can be found nowhere than In
I our NEfIutfu STATES On sUDltCts. we
are apt To fnd only what we look for, and
/ this peculiar wit often has to be explained
| 10 people In good set terms.
| once heard . man inquired OF 10 a shop
~ to the health OF his wife.
1 '.Oh. well" said he. shes pretty poor
/ Is; she don't seem To get no better At all.
| She has been sick about seven years. now.
| aud thc doctors don't appear to know wha,
! 10 make OF IL; but she Kind o. hangs along
4 and IL Is great trial. | declare, do wish
she get we'll, or-something. But the
other party gravely scquiesced. and neither
/ OF them saw anything funny in it.
/ Frequently the speaker has no adequate
/ conception OF the force OF his own remarks.
I 'rn Kept so busy with this big estate my
7 brother left me-" said a sharp Yankee law
Y yer. IL declare. sometimes | almost wish
/ John hadn'i died" I remember having
read, - letter from tourist In our North
western States, absorption OF the di'!cu'-
\ ~ OF shooting the rapids OF one OF our
7 Northern rivers. and the slow process OF
I polling up stream again. Two OF the set
/ tlcrs undertook To dispense with the usual
boaiman, the boat was upset. aud the tao
adseninrcrs were swept rapidly down the
I river. tall. gauht shopkecper ran down
Y The pier. crying. save the red headed one
For heaven, sake, save the mau with the
. red head, This started the people to
work. aud they saved him. The tall, gaunt
Z mAn waited TO see that life was not quite
7 extinct, aud then tarued away with the re-
marx, Il wouldn't hav, had that man
drowned for coasid' able. lie owes me six
/ teen dollars" We'll, there's something iu
that" said one OF the bystsBdrrs. Il *
pect man don't know how valuable be Is
| In this world TIL he owes somebody some
moaey. Then folks want To know vheTr
! he goin'.' 4 stage-driyer In the White
I Mouhtsin., when asked What hc thought
, OF the Notch, replied: We'll, | was born
around here, you know, aud | don't IN I'D IL
50 much but II | should 20 down to New
| York | reckon likely Id gs~k around con
siderable myself Violent contrasts are
/ common 10 both xit and aumor. None Of
/ the more acute writers on mirih vary much
from this idea. The most exhaustive de-
nniton has been given by DR.. Barrow !:
\ ">omel!mes the Wit OF thing leth In tie
| pat aliu-lon 10 known story; sometimes
Is wrapped up IN dress Of humorous
! expression; sometimes couched IN bold
I form OF speech or Ia acute nonsense; some
\ tunes In an affected simplicity; sometimes
| from a crafty resting, but oltener from
one hardly knows what" But We may get
| a more distinct idea from the remark Of
| Hazli,t: Man Is the only animal 10 the
world who laughs, because he Is the only
one who can see the difference between
thinxs as they are and thlGss as be knows
tiey ought TO be" During the exlsie nee
OF The Dorr rebellion In Rhode Island the
leader OF the insurgents drew up his men
| oG the summit OF "a hill. near PIoyiden nee
! foiutins TO the adv suclng troops, he said !:
| y ondr, my men, come the enemy; the
aristocrat4. who would rob you OF your
safirages. Flght 'em 10 the last gasp. and.
| 4 you have 10 retreat, do * with your face
To The foe. selAng your life dearly at every
step you take; aud as the troops came
| nearer as Tn q little lame ! guess III
| start pow"
When the charm.eg Sidney smith com
! planned to a Yorkshire lady that it was so
ho, be wished he could take OF his flesh
and sit in his bones. We detect the same
| principle. A small boy was hoeing corn
IA a sterile field by the roadside when q
passer-by stopped and said: Pears 10 me
yOrr corn Is rather small -'Certainly ;"
said the boy, ''it's dwarf com But IL
/ iooks as II you wouldn't get more than Il
1 halt a crop" ''Of course not" said the
tay; 1--WE planted her Sn shares la u
| cape Cod village, some years ago. lived n
| very argumeutative schoolmaster. One
dAy he opened an attack upou travelling
.sesman. an Euglishman, telling him that
.
Al, yes" said the Engli.hman. "bot ho "
wac 1t At the battle OF Long Island-Brook
lyn Heights-how was 1t therer' ''Oh,
YES, I renember that. now you speak OF
IT," replied the schoolmsster. That
wasn't of no account. Somehow, our folk :
| didn't appear TO take no sort OF interest In
that scrinage'" A boy who was too lazy
| TO work q farm was asked by his father
what Kind OF business he would like TO go
into. The boy said he thought he would
Ike To go into a counting room In Boston,
for he thought ii would take long time to
fad him place. and, meanwhile, he could
remain idle. So they sent tor The school
master To sec ~L-AL the boy knew about
arithmetic "Tell me, - said the schoolmas-
ter. ''how much would 8 l-2 pounds OF beef
cost at . 1-2 cents u pOund?" That's a
hard one to do" said the boy, with two
| ha ives in Il. Couldn't you make one OF
'eiu teuf" VERY we'll - said the school
ms ster; "then tell US what 10 pounds OF
bee would cost al l2 cents poand p
| The 10Y WAS in a quaDdary. He had NO
! Idea of the multiplication table, but he was
. Y .nkee Toy and he got out OF the scrape.
''Sev en- cents and half a pound" said he
"psh sw! that's nonsense. You can't buy
no kind OF beef for IL cents a pound. y
Another Yankee boy invented flying
machine, but kept everything secret, and
| sprsng iron the ewes OF his fathers barn
with the machine and nearly broke his
neck. Looking up, he saw his brother Bill
looking out OF one of the barn windows.
and Bill asked him: "How do you like ny
in. Tom?" He had his wits about him
| aud instantly replied: "Oh, hyin's well
enough; they amt no trouble about nyin
lighfin's the pint"
An old man in Massachusetts town an
old farmer from the North Parish, entered
the village bar.roOaa one evening. "Oh,
said he, YOU'D outer ben over to Our place
shls mornin'. PetteHEill's new barn wa:
burnt down hstter'n Jerusalem" He wal
asked by half q dozen voices how 1t hap
pened. "weli. you see, /" said he. ''Petten
gill was away. and Zeke, the Irishman. be
vent out TO shoot one Of them brown owls
tAst come around in the daytime. The
wadding set fire to the hay, and the whole
things burnt up, and no Insurance on il
| Pettengill's most crazy about it," lSiiencs
I II the bar-room for several minutes, per
haas out Of sympathy for Pettengill.