The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1879-12-13

genius to maka 500 miles in six days.
Colonel Ingersoll will not trim the hair on tol
Of his head till General Grant becomes President
again. (P. S. He's bad)
Chicago claims to have cleared over Il million
dollars on the Grant show. Small towns are now
writing for terms.
The eopord cannot change his spots any more
than country editor can change five dollar
bill-Aurord NerS
"What shall be done with TurkeyT asks Eu
rope. Thanksgiving and Christmas solve the
conundrum in America
The manager of a church fair when asked il
there would be music each evening replied, NO
but there will be singing"
The difference between a hill and pill is, that
the hill is hard to get up aud the pill is hard to get
down
Philadelphia Item: Notwithstanding the SC.
verify Of her exertions, the female circus rider
pants very little.
Caesar burned his bridges behind him, and
that is what the man did who sat down on n red
hot stove.
1t is looked upon as very unfortunate by the
legal profession that Senator Chandler left no
wll-for them to break--and yet nearly two mil.
lions in the pot.
America has her peculiarly in this respect, too.
1t is wonderful how rich papa improves u girls
looks.--Rochestcr Express.
His laughter echoed everywhere,
His heart was free from pain;
But All! he took the temperance pledge
And never smiled again.
An unknown man killed by the cars in
Connecticut on Saturday had in his pockets &C
cents and a pair of scissors indicating that he
was connected with journalism.
The toughest thing we have heard about any
candidate for Office in this section, says the Bos
ton HeaN, is that he got his poker chips csshcd
after he experienced religion"
Boston lady lost u pocket book containing
500, aud when an honest little boy returned il
10 her she was SO grateful that she gave him a
great deal Of good advice and didn't charge him
cent for IL.
Broad is the road that leads to debt
And thousands walked together there;
Prompt payments find II narrow rut
With here and there passenger.
A maiden lady of our acquaintance has resolved
to change her name to Conclusions" having
heard that men sometimes jump ut them.-N. Y.
Commercial advertiser.
An exchange informs II correspondent that the
Hoosac tunnel is under the Hoosac mountain, in
western Massachusetts,. This shows that the
mountain has not been moved and that the tun-
mel is not over the mountain.
A man exhibited at fair ut Montpelier, VI,
three packages Of butter from the same churn-
Ing, but differently Marked und got first pre-
was condemned poor.
Tie Western lady who read in newspaper
that baking powder was good thing, thought
shed bake some, and the old man on arriving
where the cabin had stood, said he wouldn't
mind the affair much IL she'd let the dog
out before blowing herself and the property 10
glory in that style.
printer was shot the other day for kissing
woman. Thus, remarks the Toledo Blddc, de
InorsliLstion works its way toward the head Of
society. while ago 1t was only lawyers and
doctors aud clergymen who got caught in such
scrspes.
That uan who slipped that poker chip into
our pocket, aud so caused us TO put 1t into the
contribution box at church, ought to be ashamed
OF himself and the deacon who called our atten-
tion to what done in a tone loud enough TO
be heard ali over the house ought to be ashamed,
too.--BsstOn Post.
A standing toast on nearly every festive occa.
sios among gentlemen is &" The Ladies'" but it
10 net sftea that the ladies have an opportunity
To return the compliment. Mrs. Dunaway, how
ever, got ose at literary festival at Salina, Ore
gon. aud she improved it as follows:
1.-THE gentlemen" God bless them. They
balye our joys; they double our sorrows; they
treble our expenses; they quadruple our cares;
they excite our magnanimily; they increase our
self.respect; they awake our enthusiasm; they
arouse our affections; they control our property,
and out manOeuvre US in everything. This would
be a very dismal world without 'em. In fact,
may say, without prospect Of successful contra.
dicti0n that without 'em IL wouldn't be much Of
a world anyhow. We love ZEN and the poor be-
ings cant help it; we control 'em, and the pre-
cious feli0ws don't know IL.
As husbands they are always convenient
though not always on hand; us beeux, they are
by no means "mAtchless" They are most agree
able visitors; they are handy at stale fairs, and
indispensable at oyster saloons. They are spcn-
did az escorts for some other fellows wife SIS
ter, and friends they are better than women.
As our fathers they are inexprcssiby grand
mau may be a failure in business, a wreck Ia con
stitution, not enough TO boast OF as a beauty
nothing To speak Of as q wit, less than nothing
as a legislator of wonan's rights, and even not
very brilliant rs member Of the press; but II he
Is our father We overlook his shortcomings and
cover his peccadilleos with the divine mantle Of
charity Then, as our husbands. how we love to
parade them as paragons! In the sublime Ian
guage u the inspired poet
''wc'll lie for them,
Wen cry for them,
And II we could we'd fly for them.
We'd anything bet die for them"
Th,s drre To the dead or dying ny Is BY A. T. |