Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1879-11-21
F>U NJ

A bold, bad burglar recently broke into
the house Of an editor in the sti II watches
of night. The editor awakened and ques-
toned the intruder: "What do you want
here? What do you loo forp" Said the
burglar, gruf1y, "Money." ''Hold on
minute" quoth the editor, ''and I will
help you; I've been looking myself for ten
years. but perhaps the two of US may have
better luck, Then was the burglar
much disgusted. but the editor called tia
joke, and insisted that the burglar should
set 'em up.
"When young man has learned to
watt" says writer in the Boston Jour
nal," che has mastered the hardest les
son." Indeed he has, and the truth is par
ticularly applicable when the young man
has called to take his girl riding and she
keeps him waiting two solid hours while
she ''fixes up"@keeps him waiting with
team from the livery stable which costs a
dollar an hour.
The minister asked the Sunday school:
s'With what remarkable weapon did Sam
son at one time slay the Philistines?" Fol
s while there was no answer land the min
lister, to assist the children a little, COM
menced tapping his jaw with the tip of his
finger, at the same time saying: Whats
this-what's this?' Quick as thought, Ii
little fellow quite innocentIy replied: The
jawbone Of an ass, sir.''
A school girl of tender years thus writes
to bosom friend: Dear Suisa-I shan't
attend school agin until Get some new
cuffs, collars and JeWelry-dear Mama
agrees with me that It is my Booty to
take the shine out of that Upstart Mary
Jones, and I'll do it if never learn no.
thing"
A man passing through a gateway in
the dark ran against a post. 81 wish that
post was in the lower regions!" was his
angry remark. 'Better wish it was some
where else," said bystander. "You
might run against it again" sSA - . -
A Wheeling inventor is getting up
new patent chair for dentists. A con-
cealed spring in it runs a tack up through
the seat, and while the patient is bowling
and his attention is diverted by the attack
below. the tooth is yanked out.
II didn't at all expect company to-day"
said lady to her visitors, with not very
pleasant look. ''but hope you will make
yourself at home" Eyes indeed" replied
one of them; starting off, Il will make
myself at home as quick as possible. J" ~.
'Young man." says quaint writer, .'if
you are to be married your future wife is
now living; therefore pray for her, And
while you are about it don't forget to pray
for her future husband; be needs praying
for as much as she d0es.'
A little girl heard some one say sTem-
pus fugit," and asked her mother what it
meant She was told it was one way of
saying time flies."l A few days after
wards she said: "Why, ma. how tempus
does fidget!" .-......
An old farmer. the first time he ate an
oyster stew, was asked how he liked it.
w CAs uO esboWOiCNs Alh0 ktlO cup
well enough, but wish they'd left out
them pollywags.''
= - II y q
Whenever you hear that the young ladies
of certain town have organized cook
ing club, make sure that the dyspepsia has
got mortgage on that neighborhood draw
ing twelve per cent
vas.ar girl, eating her first gooseberries
-Nyum! N.,yum! ypm-m-m mn
wouldn t / like to see the goose that laid
these berriesl'' e,aaee A sa1
Young housewife: stsWhat miserable lit
tie eggs again!y You really must tell them.
Jane. to let the hens sit on them little
longer?"
Talk about tho jaws Of DEATH exc
claimed an, !, man Who had 3 termagant wife.
II tell you they are nothing y he jawsof
lifa -