The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1879-07-19
Mr.. WlioOper's AflictlOn.

Office the other day, and after drawing a
chair close up to the Judge he took seat,
put his hat on the table, wiped his nose
thoughtfulIy, and said:
say, Judge, what do you charge
man for getting him a divorcc2"
GA divorce, Mr. Whooper7 You are
not thinking of that, hopc2"
"Well, yes l was," said Mr.. Whooper,
with mournful air.
"Quarrcllcd with your wifc?"
"Not exactly--but-well I reckon [
might as well explain the matter to you.
You see, | love Pandora well enough.
think good deal Of her, but blame il,
Judge, l can't stand her ridiculous ways"
GLOW do you mean2"
'Why, you see, she's somnambulist--
has habit of walking in her sleep She
Will get up ut night, any time almost, and
go fumbling around the house in the most
reckless manner When she gets tired she'll
turn In anywhere and roost until moruing.
| have found her twice sitting OH top of the
flour barrel, sleeping sweet as a baby; three
times I've walked her up in the coal bin,
and once, when she had the nightmare,
found her hanging across the back fence
said she dreamed she was a pillow case,
and that she had been hung there after the
wash to dry. tell you it tears mans
feelings up like thunder!"
You oughto bear it with great resgna-
tion."
"Wcll, l have tried to; but can't.
About month ago. while she was mean
derns around in the dining room, she
kicked over table and made terrific
noise. Nearly scared me to death.
thought there were burglars in the house,
and 80 sprung rattle out of the window,
and fired my revolver twice down into the
entry. When the policemen came let 'em
III, and we began Il scarclh with pistols in
our hands. Upon entering the dining room
we found Mrs. Whoopcr sitting there, hold
ing an umbrella Oh her left arm, rs If il was
Il baby, while she was trying to feed IT, with
the vinegar cruct. Fast asleep of course
Pm ashamed to meet the neighbors on the
street, now; | can hear 'em snicker as go
past
"No doubt Mrs. Whooper was sorry9"
"Oh. of course, sorry! Apologized and
all that!" Said she'd never do IL again
But only two nights later she had vision
or something, moving her to rise, pick up
my waistcoat and shirt from chair, and go
out and bury them III the asparagus bed.
When she came back was awake. She
had the shovel over her shoulder, and |
watched her seize my socks and false teeth
and start down stairs with them. julAped
out OF bed and caught her. shook her
until she woke, and then she tried to beg
OIL by explaining that she dreamed she had
discovered way of raising waistcoats and
artiliclal teeth on trees, so that she could
pick om for me whom they were ripe That
woman has the insanest old dreams that
over ratified around in female brain
pan."
cit Is merely her misfortune"
"That's truei That's so! l pity her
but what's man to do2 You know the
hcadboard on our bedstcad2 Well, it's
about nine feet high. Last Thursday week
| was walked in the night by strange
noise. l missed Pandora, but looking
around found her perchcd on the top OF
the hcad-board with an open umbrella in
one hand and a handbook in the other. She
had on night dress and a un-bonnet, and
when asked her what Oh earth she was
about, she told me to give some oats to
the off-horse.' Then she kicked the head
board with her heels, uttered wild cahoot
and the next minute she plunged head
downward upon the bed, broke three Stats
and brought her aunt down stairs from the
third story, four steps at a jump, under the
Impression that there had been an earth
quake. When she came to she said she'd
been reading In the papers about the four
finland coaches, and somehow she got to
dreaming she was driving one for bet.
Now, tell you it's pretty hard for a man
to stand this kind Of thing, isn't it2"
eyes, of COURSE"
But wonld have stood it If she hadn't
carried 1t little too far. She asked me
few days ago to let her tic string to her
ankle and to Esinc, so that when she got up
In her sleep she would wake me. agreed.
She said string, mind you, but when she
came to do the tying she used the stoutest
Kind of twincl Anyhow, all went well
untillast night, when Pandora, while asleep,
became impressed with the idea that she
was crossing the Alps, or swimming the
Atlantic ocean. or something, for she rose
and went over to the staircase. just as she
reached the top landing her foot must have
caught in the carpet, for she shot down the
stairs head foremost, like stone out of
catapult; and, Of course, rs was tied TO
her suddenly went booming out of bed
anu the first thing I knew was lying on
tho floor feeling little uncertain whether
II volcano had all at once developed under
the bed, or whether barrel of gunpowder
had exploded In the cellar. Then l felt
Pandora pulling at the other end Of the
rope, and | comprehcndcd the situation.
When picked her up she said she wasn't
hurt much, and Tve no doubt she'll spend
tonight sliding up and down the water
spout on the outside of the house; only
She have to 90 it alone. This lets her out.
Pm going to get divorce. How much will
1t cost 2"
The Judge promised to give him the in
formation next day, but he didn't call, and
the. supposition Is that he was persuaded to
give Pandora one more chance. But there
is going to be q painful domestic tragedy at
Whooper's some day unless Mrs. w. learns
to stick to her pillow.