The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1879-09-18


A LAY sermon-A "curtain lecture"
e HARD money is that which is hard to
get. et.@7s=szsSs==szazasE s'7=ssz.z-=,esfss
~" NEVER dispair," is the motto for
married people.
Is the man who beats his wife enforc-
ing the lick her law? Jfa Il
WHY is a chicken like farmer?-Be-
cause both delight in full crop.
A PIsCAToRIAL banker may be called
a loan fisherman. = Cincinnati Commercial.
IT is not Unable ofense for rocking
chair to carry arms.-C Cincinnati COM
merciol. ga y H&sttiH
VERY naturallya good many matches
are made every summer at. the Sulphur
Springs. g.9 1ae..asEt
"Now 1 am undone,'' as the package
of sugar said when it fell from the
grocers wagon. fA "'AsSt
IT is easier for needle to go through
the eye of a rich man than for an editor
to please everybody.
"WHY is the sun masculineY' Coos
sons allus is" "And the moon feminine?'
Cos it is SO changin'." '@
"STAND up and tell the truth like a
little bell punch, is the latest addition
W ehO pm AooSoAoSyi VI Cie@A,6'
THERE'S no special way in engraving
engagement ,rings-a SPIDER web with
fly in it is very good device.
His optic was red as the sky in the west
When the rubescent sun slowly sinks to his rest;
And softly he murmured, while leaving sigh,
"a sty In the farm is worth two in the eye."
IT is difficult, says I" Girls" to imagine
soul living forever when we consider
how exceedingly small some mems souls
| are.s +T& = = SAssFs FSH@
IT is one of the physiological mysteries
why a boys hand will blister so much
sooner on a hoe-handle than on base
| ball bat. i 181fGf 8s1sft5ES
In New York they know of Boston
man who broke off his marriage with a
| young lady because she spelled hugging
| with one g.
The Post has discovered that you can
wonderfully develop mans capacity
for using language by playing garden
hose on him.. +7' ,'
'fsSAvEDW as the editor said when he
fshed a piece Of copy out Of the spittoon
| with the shears-the editors friend in
times Of adversity. 2 is y -
lB-" DAUGHTER" said an anxious parent
to his little one, didn't I tell you to
eat no more green applesw Yes, papa;
but this is a yellow one.n ss 4eA
II PROFANITY reached its sultimatum
when the minister who failed to stop
stream of water said, It isn't worth
dam. ."-Hackaasack Republican.
BUSINESS life-Efle: "Oh, my dear
4 husband, 1 can't consent to your going
across the ocean until your life is fully
covered by insurance" -
Mr.. SANKEY asks: elbow can keep
from singingp Let him try holding
sponge in his mouth That'H choke off
the worst of it, anyhow.-Graphic.
80 ALWAYS some hitch about it-harness.
1--Americaa Fuach. Always some itch
about it-a mosquito bite.-1Ae Union.
Always some tch' about tia sneeze.
T. "VILL you take sumdingT' said
German teetotaller to friend while
standing near a tavern. g don't care
if I do," was the reply. "Vell den, let
us take Walk Jt.z'' - ~ 522t
IszFt WHAT is the meaning of lost in
French?' said a, cab-driver to; a foreign
Igentleman. "Perdu," answered the
gentleman. ." Well, then, your trunk is
perdu," said the Jehu. 1 aa
g " MONEY does every thing for man.
said one old gentleman, pompously.
1"Yes," replied the other one, but
money won't do as much for asmanAas
some men will do for money"
A LAZY man, says the Yonkers
Gazette, having a wife named Hope,
whose custom itrwas to pull off her hus-
bands boots every evening, was wont to
exclaim on such occasions: How truly
it is said that Hope is the yanker of the
sole.'" r.s-l r,7.,r
IT has been left to the New Orleans
PScayune to discover that the world re-
wolves on its own axis, because there is
nothing else for it to revolve on. This
fact having been learned, of what use is
it to be hunting around for the north
pole 3l1essssl5 1l7. ess $ Es
THERE" said Fourth street girl,
there, you dear, sweetest, best old pa
in the world, you'll give your consent to
my going to the sea shore, won't you,
you darling precious, sweet papa?'
The old man said there was too much
sugar for assent, and she didn't go.
R-A' I CAN'T trust you," said rumseller
to an impoverished customer. " You
should let liquor alone; if you hadn't
drank SO much of it you might now be
riding in your carriage" "And if you
hadn't sold it," reported the victim,
you'd have been my driver" .
A MINISTER made an interminable
call upon lady of his acquaintance the
other day. Her little daughter. who
was present, grew weary of his conversa-
ton, and whispered in an audible tone.
"Didn't he bring his amen with him,
mammaT' T'aaaa 9af 1.5SS @>4
AN absent minded man entered shoe
store the other day and wanted his boy
| measured for pair of shoes. " But
where's the boy?" asked the dealer.
, "Thunderl' said the man, "Tye left
, the boy at home. I'll go and get him.
, and off he started for his house six
! blocks away.
AN Engfishman travelling in Ireland,
) remarked to the driver of a coach upon
: the tremendous length of the Irish miles.
, "Confound your Irish miles! Why,
: there's no end to them" Sure, sir,
] said the coachman, the roads are bad
about here, and so we give good mea-
: sure"
. "Now, Mr.. Robinson" said fair
, young city visitor to the kind hearted
, farmer, "won't you show us your water
) melon orchardr' 81 haven't a water
melon tree on the place this year, ma am;
they were all winter killed." and his
questioner wondered why he smiled SO
). pleasantly, as he answered.
A smart young man passed a butchers shop.
And esped quarter Of calf;
g "Pray tell me. s,r," said the fresh young fops
"Win you kill soon the other half?"
/. The slayer Of veal gazed upon the young fop,
! With sinister sort of laugh,
And said, as he knocked him fpperty-hop:
! "There's the other part Of the calf. -ta
--Hackeasaek Rspubliedn.
9 THERE is no printers strike in Chicago,
: but the papers there have serious provo