The Portland daily press., 1879-06-13
Strippings.
What the Funny Papers Give Down.
A PLEASANT AFFAIR.


who had the unmistakable imprint OF back
woodsman, and inquiring for the editor pulled
up chair and sat down.
Give come" said he, "to git you to print a
notice Of funeral we'uns had outen our way"
'All right" was the answer; "what do you
want published?"
81 jist writ down a few notes here, what
I'll read to you'un while you put 'em in shape.
Jim Smith died of the fever-last week-bein,
much respected in the naborhood--a large and
respectable audience turned out"
I'VE began to suspect that the old fellow had
got hold o1 press notice to some entertain
| ment.
| Ito witness the performance The ulogy
was spoke blythe Rev. Snydeker who performed
his part totectson, bringing tears to the eyes Of
| many, and when he retired was greeted with an
| n-kore''--
The old man hesitated at that word for
moment, and then said: 81 don't know as how
that's the right word, but Sally said twas good
word anyhow, so l put it down. Then go on
and say somethin consolin' about the last Of the
arth, and tho't as how you'd better wind up
| somethin' like this: There was an immense
crowd present. the affair passed off pleasantly,
| and every one seemed to enjoy themselves. -
| Oil City Derrick
SNAKES AS REFoRMERs.
1t doesn't do to look a gift-horse in the
mouth, but in the case Of gift-snake it is diff
ferent A bar-keeper on Clay street was as
| tonished the other day on receiving present
| from saloon keeper next door. 1t was pair
of beautifully stuffed rattlesnakes, which the
donor said were killed by friend over on
| Mount Eamalpais. The first bar-keeper orna-
mented the shelf behind the bar with the rep
tiles and thought in his heart that his neigh
Dor was pretty good fellow after all. He was
Surprised, however, to notice singular diminu-
fion of trade Customer after customer would
come in, and while engaged in the apparent
profound indecision as to choice of beverage of
the man who invariably ends by ordering ga
little straight" would turn pale and 90 out
hastily. At the close of the day he had dis
posed OF but one drink, and that was to a man
already blind drunk. The cocktail compound
er unused over this state of affairs all night
and the next morning he followed out a ward
politician who had just made the same strange
break for the door, and asked him the cause of
his exit.
"The fact isl said the customer, wiping the
perspiration from his pale brow, ':Ive been
going it leetle strong for week or two, and
I've got to brace up. When a man gets to see
ing two snakes at time, there's no time for
fooling, you bet yer life.'
The reptiles in question were sent up to
Woodward's Gardens that day. and the indig-
nant saloon keeper is now suing his serpentine
rival for 100000 damages or thereabouts-
bod Derrick.
COLLECTING THE BILL.
A collector in this city has invented new
dodge, which he employs with great success in
scooping in the unwary debtors. He finds out
what night in the week the debtors daughter
young man visits at the house, and as soon as
the young man has entered he goes and rings
the bell. "Mr. So-and-so is not at home" says
InINto 60 -
the bell. sit wasn't Miss So-and-so wanted
to see, says the caller, in the high, clear tone
peculiar to the deaf; 81 called about -" "He
won't be home to-night,-not till tomorrow"
says the lady, in a voice intended to be loud
enough for the deaf man, but not loud enough
for the young lover in the parlor. II don't
want to borrow nothing" yells the collector
loudly; "It's bill 1 want to get -" "Shl
for Heavens sake" gasps the lady, turning
pale. "I'll give you the money by-and-by.
It'll be all right" "All night?" shouts the
collector, 81 don't care if have to stop all
night and next day too-I'm going to get that
money before 1 leave" and the unhappy wo-
man has nothing for it but to fork over or leave
an impression upon the mind of her intended
son-n-law that the volume of currency in the
family is contracted, and as likely as not, if he
marries into it, he'll have the old woman and
at least two of the children staying with him
most of the time. Then she goes into the par
lor trembling to think of what narrow escape
she has just had, and says to her daughter,
Louisa, that stupid old Saunders gets deafer
and deafer every day. Here he was trying to
get change for a $40 bill, and shouting at the
| top of his voice. It's bill that want to get
| changed, so that people could hear him all
over the block. Chicago Tribune.
THE BOY AND THE LAWN MOWER
Every well-regulated family should have
boy about fourteen years old, lawn mower,
and grass enough to set the boy to work for
half an hour after school. 1t is an interesting
study to see boy showing lawn mower
around. Off comes coat, vest and hat as he
goes out and he vividly realizes that President
Hayes got his first start by cutting half an acre
of grass before breakfast-and it was cut
mighty poorly at that. No boy can strike bee
line with mower. He starts out to do it, but
he sees boy on stills up the street and he
stops to rest He has Just started off again
when he sees boy with ball down the street,
and it is also time to oil the mower He has
Just braced himself for new effort when o
stray dog comes trotting along, and it is that
boys duty to watch that dog out of sight. He
turns and shoves the mower along for about
ten feet, and then he must have a drink Of
water. If the old gent is at home the boy can
drink gallon of water and get back to his
work in about twenty minutes, but all depends
on circumstances. If he gets back he stands
and wonders whether it is a right or left-hand-
ed mower, and why it wasn't rugged to run it
self. If rap ON the window admonishes the
boy that procrastination is the thief of time he
buckles right down to business and rushes the
mower over four brickbats, a hoop and several
coal clinkers, and then comes an examination
of the knives Let boy get in the shade with
good brace for his back, and he can examine
lawn-mower from basement to garrett in
about half an hour. At the end Of the second
cut across the sward it is boys duty to scan
the heavens and see if any kites are up. A good
boy can do this in about fifteen minutes, and
he can put in ten more looking across the street
at white-washed fence and a cat. BY this
time he feels hungry, and when he has hunted
the house over for cake it is high time to go
around the corner and see if that Smith boy
has got that bird trap inished.-Detroit Free
| Press
MEMoRY's QUEER FREAKS.
There is one remarkable effect of our pecu-
liar climate that has probably struck every
body, and yet we have never seen it referred to
in print. 1t is the absence of any noticeable
change in the seasons. The monotonous con-
tinuity of even sunshine insensibly merges
days into weeks and months into years without
the usual suggestion of lapse of time occurring
elsewhere. One shakes hands with friend on
the street corner to-day, and next year meets
him fresh from trip round the world, and is
rather surprised to find him in another suit of
clothes, the pattern of the old being as fresh in
our minds eye as if we had seen it yesterday.
The other day Front street merchant and his
wife were seated in a street car, when another
gentlornan stepped in Tho moment he saw
the first mentioned party the latter said,
eagerly:
Because it comes to the surface to blow.
That's the answer, isn't it?''
'Yes," said the other, 'but 1 didn't think
you'd guess it,
"Why, what did that gentleman mean2'
asked the merchants mystifed wife after they
had left the car.
''Well, you see, down at the club the other
day asked them all conundrum: first rate
thing, too-why is a whale like a water lily?-
and none of them could guess it,
"Club? Why you haven't belonged to a
club for five years-not since we were mar
ried."
Haven't 1? That's fact. Now, let me
see when it was / asked Brown that conun-
drum," and by careful comparison of dates it
was ascertained that Brown had kept the
answer fresh in his mind for exactly six years
and five months. This story is literally true,
and will be sent carefully stuffed to any muse
um in the country on receipt of the postage
San Francisco Post.
Gleanings from the Mails.
Secretary Thompson celebrated his SEVENTEEN
h,rtb1 10