Iowa County democrat. [volume] (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1877-1938, 1879-12-26
MARK TWAIN.

A "Fresh, Private Secretary Of The
Postmaster General Played with Neat
ness by Mark Twain.
Chicago Times.
Mark Twain's latest production is a
letter giving his opinion Of private Sec
retaries, in which he sits down rather
hard upon Mr.. Kirby, private secretary
to Postmaster General Key. The letter
has caused great deal OF amusement
.mong Mr.. Kirby's associates in the
. ,st.ofiice, and that gentleman feels
very much torn up in consequence, and
probably will not be anxious TO tackle
me subject again, at least not for some
time. Some days ago Mr.. Kirby took
occasion to write letter to Mr.. Glenn
ems, in which he had the temerity to
criticise some comments made by that
gentle man upon a recent order of the
post.o flee department. Mr.. Kirby
felicitously Enclosed tract issued by
the post-oflice department, saying that
at was to meet just s1ch hardened
cases as yours; and also send you
copy of the postal laws, and hope you
will take the trouble to look into the
matter thoroughly" Clemens did look
into the matter thoroughly, and Mr..
Kirby thinks now that he made too
searching study of it. Among other
things in his letter Mr.. Clemens says;
"My cailow friend, when you shall
have outQrown the ellervescence of
youth, and acquired bit Of worldly ex-
perience, You will cease to make mis-
takes like that. That IL, you will re-
cognize thesimple wisdom OF mlnding
your own business. You seem to think
you have been called to account. This
Is great error. 1t is .he post-oilice de.
partmept Of the United States that has
been ca He'd into account. There is a
difference here which you seem to
have overlooked. will point 1t out.
You are not the postoilice department,
but only an expensive and unnecessary
appendage to il. Grave elderly public
instructors like me do not call private
secretaries to account. The mistake
you have made Is simple; you imagined
yourself the dog, whereas you are only
the tail. You endenvored to
wag the dog. This was injudi-
cous. You should have hung quiescent
until the dog wagged you.
You seemed TO have gathered the inn
preston, somehow, that you are amem-
her Of the cabinet. This il nm error
Your chief IL one Of the guns of that
battery; you are not. You are not
gun, or q load, or even u ramrod; Meth
or do you supply ammunition; you only
serve as II stick to fire il OIL. You are
not barrel of molasses, but only the
faucet through which the molasses is
discharged. You are not boot, but n
bootjack. Do you peroeive2 The thing
! am trying to convey to you IL that II
does not become you 10 assume lunc-
tons that do not belong to you. The
newspaper slip which you Enclosed to
me will return by one Of my private
secretaries. ! keep eleven of those
things, not for use, but for display"
Speaking of the envelope in which
Mr.. Kirby's letter was enclosed Mark
says:
"You,a unofficial private citizen, have
written mo an entirely personal letter,
enclosed in M envelope bearing upon
it's surface in pluin print the warning;
"a penalty Of $500 IL fixed by law for
using this envelope for other than OIL
cial business" The servants of the gov
eminent ought to be, for decency's
sake, among the Inst to break its laws.
You have committed IN ollense with
no element of n joke about it, and if
your superior does his duty, he will inn
pose the fine involved. Az FIR M am
concerned you nro safe, but il you in
trude upon me again may be tempted
to bring you before the courts for viola-
ton OF law. There, now, receive my
blessing. Go, and do not mix in other
peoples business any more; otherwise
you may pick up somebody who will
feed you disagreeable words instead Of
sugar. MARK TWAIN, etc.