Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1879-01-02
HuniOr.

HumOr.
Partridges are among the things that
whirr.
Nothing hut time can keep up with
the indicator on gas meter.
Send along your big apples! On core
On coreI-PhiLadeipltia Bulttin.
1t only takes a popular song three
weeks to get twenty years old in this
country.
What law has been a terror to evil
doors ever since the world began? The
mother-in-laW.-Ch0t.
The Washington monument has one
part Of it finished. That is the fund
that was used up long ago.
Thousands of boys would go dirty al
summer if it were not wicked and dan
gerous to battle in the lake.
A mule will behave himself eleven
years and six months just to get one off
hand shot at middle shirt-stud
A little melted India-rubber mixed
with ice-cream will preserve this favor
tie dish against the weather for hours.
Whenever yu cum akrost man who
distrusts everybody, yu have found
one whom it is safe for everybody to
distrusf Josh Billings
is sad that nothing can equal the
anguish of wife with hair-pulling pro-
pensities who is the unfortunate pos
SCISSOR of a bald-headed husband. Chat.
Gle seems to have ttea shot in the
diaphragm" said the doctor. "Oh, mop
exclaimed his weeping listener, she was
shot right in the lower end of the sa-
LOOM"
A cat finds its own tail by looking
around for something to play with.
From just such trifing causes the great
est discoveries of all ages have been
made.-NelU Orleans Picavuoe.
Two fishers went talking aoout things
in the west: First Fisher" Having
pretty lively old time out here on the
Danube. l see they've blown up big
fleet" Second Fisher" Thazzo?
Scares the fish"
Mercer-Stockings, miss? Yes. miss.
WHAT number, miss, do you Matter
offact Young Lady-Why, two, of
course! Do you think I've got wood
en- leg?
Cause and Efect-Mamma: " Look,
Regy, at the pretty white COW that gives
US the nice white milk" Little Boy
a And does the pretty brown COW give
us nice brown coffee, ma?'-Judy..
doctor, Doctor" painted a messen-
ger, "come down the street-quick!
There's man dropped in fit" 'In
an appopletic?" questioned the doctor.
mo, sir; in an ulster" answered the
messenger.
The man who waits to get three cats
in line before he shoots will some day
find the poor-house waiting for him. 1t
is the man who peppers away at cats
whenever chance offers who will lay up
ducats for old age.-Dttrot Free Press.
The New York Express is determined
tc tell the truth though the heavens
fall. 1t says; at isn't overwork that's
running the young men of this great
city by any means. No, it's waiting on
the street corner for SOM body to invite
them into the nearest saloon"
A bright little Shoreham (Vt.) boy,
who had been engaged in combat with
another boy some time ago, was reprov-
ed by his aunt. who told him he ought
always to wait until the other boy
"pitched upon" him. "Well." ex-
planned the little hero, " but if I wait
for the other boy to begin, Pm 'fraid
there won't be any fight"
On dangerous Ground.-Archie:
" Auntie, what's torpedo?" Auntie:
" Something that blows something up.
my love-" Archie: "Then are you a
torpedo, auntie?" Auntie: "No, my
dear. Why?" Archie: Because
heard uncle telling pa you were always
blowing him up."-Judy.
Fidgety and cantankerous old lady:
" Can you tell me, young mar, if this is
the right train for Isleworth ?" Young
man: ellsworth No, madam; you
should have changed two or three sta
tons ago" Old lady: "WelI, I'm
sure, l think you miaht have had the
decency to tell me that before and not
let me come all this way for nothing
Fun.
Father of adored one" Then it
comes to this sir: you have lost your
fortune, you have lost your
appointment, you have no prospect of
another, and you come to ask for my
daughters hand-and fortune? mo!
Suppose we putt this way: I am IN
embarrassed by wealth, am free from
the cares OF business, and my future is
irradiated by hope; therefore this is the
crisis when [ can best devote myself tc
your daughter, and enjoy that affiuence
with which you will crown our love-
THE story that Stonewall Jackson was
shot by his own men is received by
General Juhal A. Early, who, in a con-
trlbutlOn to the southern historical
papers, says: Instead of riding to the
front to reconnoiter the enemy and
then imprudently galloping back
toward his own line, General Jackson
was slowly riding to the front, while
making every effort to hurry forward
to the troops when he was fired on
by portion of his own men
on the right (sOuth) of the road
and obliquely from the rear, and then
the horses of his party that were not
shot down wheeled to the left, and he
galloped into the woods on the left to
escape the fire, when he was fired upon
by another body of troops on the north
side of the road. 1t was by this last
fire that Gen. Jackson was wounded.
A New ENGLAND agricultural paper
says that Vermont is relatively more of
an agricultural state than any of her
New England sisters, 80 per cent of her
10 ha+