The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1879-12-03
MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.
His Serious Talk to the Soldiers OF tp1
Army of the Tennessee.

were IN response to the following toast:
The Babies As they comfort us in SOL
rows, let MS not forgot them in our festiri.
ties"
The humorist said: Now, that's
something like. Wehaven't all had the
good fortune to be ladies; we haven't
all been generals, or poets, or statesmen;
but when the toast works down to the
babies, we stand on common ground
for we've all been babies. Itis a shame
that for a thousand years the worlds
banquets have utterly ignored the baby
-as if he didn't amount to anythingl
If you, gentlemen, will stop and think
minute-if you will go back fifty or a
hundred years, to your early married
life, and recontemplate your first baby,
you will remember that he amounted
to good deal-and something over.
You soldiers all know that when that
little fellow arrived at family headquar
ters you had to hand in your resigna-
zion. He took entire command. You
became his lackey, his mere bodyguard;
and you had to stand around, too. He
was not commander who made allow
ances for time, distance, weather, or
anything else; you had to execute his
order whether it was possible or not.
And there was only one form of march
ing in his manual of tactics, and that
was the double-quick. He treated you
with every sort of insolence and disre-
spect, and the bravest of you didn't dare
| to say wOrd. You could face the death
storm of Donelson and Vicksburg, and
give back blow for blow; but when he
clawed your whiskers, and pulled your
hair, and twisted your nose, you had to
| take it. Wnen the thunders of war
Y1o n w of
faces toward the batteries and advanced
with steady tread; but when he tuI ned
on the terrors of his war-whoop you ad-
vanced in--the other direction, and
mighty glad OF the chance, too. When
he called for soothing syrup, did you
venture to throw out any side remarks
about certain services unbecoming an
officer and a gentleman No; you got
up and got it! If he ordered his pap
bottle, and it wasn't warm, did you talk
backP Not you; you went to work and
warmed it. You even descended so far
in your mental office as to take suck
at that warm, insipid stuff yourself to
see if it was right three parts water to
one of milk, touch of sugar TO modify
the collie, and drop of peppermint to
kill those immortal hiCcoughs. l can
taste that stuff vet.
anu llOW JulUHS yOu dS
you went along Sentimental young
folks still took stock in that beautiful
old saying tn It when the baby smiles in
his sleep it is because the angels are
whispering to him. Very pretty, but
St too thin "-simply wind on the stom-
ach, my friends. If the baby proposes
to take a walk at his usual hour-half-
past two in the morning-didn't you
rise up promptly and remarlSl with
mental addition that wouldn't improve
Il Sunday-school much) that that was
the very thing you was going to propose
yourselfP Oh, you were under good
discipline. And as you went fluttering
up and down the room ineyour undress
uniform" you not only prattled undig-
nified baby talk, but even tuned up your
martial voices and tried to sing. Rock
a-by-baby on the tree top" for instance
What spectacle for an army of the
Tennessee! And what an affliction for
the neighbors, too, torit isn't every body
within mile around that likes mil
itary music at three in the morning.
And when you had been keeping this
sort of thing up two or three hours, and
your little velvet head intimated that
nothing suited him like exercise and
noise, and proposed to fight it out on
that line if it took all night-"Go on!
What did you doP" You simply went
on till you dropped in the last ditch.
like the idea that baby does not
amount to anything. Why, one baby
is just house and front yard full by
itself; one baby can furnish more bust
ness than you and your whole interior
department can attend to; he is enter.
prising, irrepressible, brimful of lawless
activities-cO what you please you can't
make him stay on the reservation. Suf-
iicient unto the day is one baby. As
long as you are in your right mind never
pray for twins. Twins amount to II
permanent riot; and there amt any
real difference between tripets and an
insuTectiOn.
Among the three or four million
cradles now rocking in the land are some
which this nation would preserve for
ages as sacred things if we could know
which ones they are. For in one of
these cradles the unconscious FaTagut
OF the future is at this moment teething.
Think of it and putting in a word OF
dead earnest, unarticulated, but perfectly
justitiable, profanity over it, too; in
another, the future renowned astrono-
mer is blinking at the shining milky
way, with but Il languid interest, poor
little chap, and wondering what has be-
come of that other one they call the wet
nurse; in another, the future great his
torian is lying, and doubtlessly will con-
tinue to lie till his earthly mission is
ended; in another, the future president
is busying himself with no profounder
problem of State than what the mis-
chief has become of his hair so early,
and in mighty array of other cradles
there are now some sixty thousand iu-
ture oflice-seekers getting ready to fur
nish him occasion to grapples with that
same old problem a second time! And
in still one more cradle, somewhere
under the flag, the future illustrious
| commander-in-chief of the American
armies is so little burdened with his ap-
preaching grandeurs and responsibilities
as to be giving his whole strategic mind,
at this moment, to trying to find out
some way TO get his own big toe into
his mouth-an achievement which
(meaning no disrespect) the illustrious