The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1879-01-02
.04<&,
PASSING SMILES.

On the banks of the river Indus grows
a very fruitful bread tree Hence the
saying of the natives of India: "By
Indus tree we thrive" ~ Utica Observer.
BE polite, sonny" aid the boarder
to an impertinent .youDgster, "be po-
lite, and when she offers you a cup of
tea, don't you take cup and sauce'er."
SoFT- HEARTED grandpapa Ito Tommy,
who has just been castigated by his
mamma y" And you know, Tommy, it
really pains mamma more than it does
youp' Tommy" Oh, yes, know it
doesl She says sol--It hurts her hands,
Puck. e.. zsgs s.--.-.... -....-. t-,.
Since the death of Bryant the New
York Post has assumed a higher and
broader tone It now makes jokes on
DIR. Mary Walkers trowsers No won
ker Mr.. Croly. late of the Graphic, says
the tone of New York journalism is too
high for the readers in that city.-Nor-
rich Herald
The Boston gravestone cutter contin-
ues to give US some good things in the
way of graveyard poetry. Here is an
inscription on wife:
This stone was raised by sarah'slord,.
Not Sarah's vii tues to record
For they're we'll known to all the town;
BUTT was raised to keep her down"
THE man who objects to allowing fif-
teen or twenty schoolboys to see who can
come the nearest to his left ear with a
snow ball would kick the cat off the
family hearthstone.-Detroit Free Press.
AT a recent trial in Chenango County
as to whether cider is intoxicating, sew
eral gentlemen were swern and testified
that the beverage so confused them that
they didn't know their own wives from
those of other men. The Elmira Gazette
says that it has known the same confu-
sion to occur where the person merely
drinks cold water. nGa r:.-.
IT comes to us with show of authenticity, .-..
That Mr.. Edison's luxurious invention
Has found an office new for electricity, te
@ Surprising all our previous apprehension.
Come ttnT' to our homes pacific of Intention
To revolutionizs the light of this city,,
| And pale our gas by its bright Intervention.
Then kerosene, the house sifes infeicity, .-
VIII 5asshea be- with S too great mention
No evil following gas stocks sure declenson.
But t-'lowance must be given for eccentricity
''''''' W. '-A~' WV boston Post.
The English language is wonderful
| for its aptness of expression. When a
number of men and women get together
| and look at each other from the sides
| of a room-thats called a sociable.
| When a hungry crowd call upon poor
minister and eat him out of house and
| home-that's called donation party
Turner'S Falls Reporter. -a $500 F..
THE Norristown Herald notes the fact
! that good locomotives that used to bring
! $4,000 can now be bought for 81, 900.
That's big come down, but it's not
enough What the age demands is a
dollar and half locomotive to attach to
4 the trowsers' seat of the errand boy.
/. When that is accomplished the world
will have progressed one hundred years
and profanity will receive its worst set
back.-Ne,odrk Sunday Call. Il e.t
il A AwELL-APPEARING gentleman walked
into the bar-room of a leading hotel the
other evening, and protesting to be out
of change, asked the bar keeper if he
could put his umbrella up for drink.
I Asiit was a good silk one, the security
was agreed upon. The man, swallowed
his beverage, and, quietly raising his
umbrella, walked out. Jimmy did not
call him back, but took the joke as
philosophically as possible.-Rochester
Union. -
BY some accident the headings of the
Marysville Bonner of Freedom got trans
posed the other day, and the next day
the nuptials of old Mr.. Penny ybacker,
who had married a young lady of six
teen, appeared under the caption of
"Cold Blooded and Terrific DeedW
while report of the murder of Mr..
Bolts was announced as GA. Most De-
lightful Affair" Ever since that issue
Mr.. P has been sitting on the carriage
step in, front of the Banner Office with
shotgun, waiting for the editor to come
out while Botts's brother-in-law is pa
trolling the back alley, waiting to head
off that efficient journalist with club.
,diDo you think" writes young
student of human economy, do you
think the human race is decaying%
Not at all, not at all. Part of it isn't
decaying because it is yet alive, and the
portion of it that is dead doesn't decay
because the medical student don't give
it a chance. Oh. no, the human race
was never, in all its history, so well pro-
tected against decay as at present. Be
thankful that you live in an age when
the grave has been so shorn of its power
that it can't hold a man so long as a
sieve would hold a spoonful of quick
silver r.-Bmli limgton Haaokeye. rJ 81