Daily Republican., 1879-08-28
HUMOROUS.
A BoY'a FIREWORKS.

49,. A BoY's FIREWORKS. ..
Josephus Thistlehummer is . gooG
little boy, and he told all the boys tina
he was "goin' to have a bully old
Fourth, you bet yer boots |" He KEEP
his money in q savings bank. The
bank was tin, and he put the money in
at the roof. The savings banks always
pay out 100 cents on the dollar. Some
other savings banks do not pan out SC
well.
Jossphus held a meeting Of directors,
and 1t was unanimously resolved to re-
move the deposits from the vaults Of
the bank until after the Fourth. Per
haps labor riots were feared. He re-
moved the nickel and copper accumu-
lations through the roof by means of a
case knife and a two pronged fork
They amounted to 1891, which he put
into first class securities Ro-
man candles, serpents, torpedoes, pin
wheels, crackers, etc. He took advan-
tage Of his younger brother Sebs's Gu
sebius) absence to climb to the top Of
the bookcase and put his pyroteohnic
acquisitions there. In two minutes he
thsught of a better place. Hide 'em
under the bookcase. His mother will
find some scratches ON the mahogany
to morrow, and somebody'll get hurt.
Then he thought Of tiptop place. and
took them to the kitchen. He'd be up
before daylight in the morning, Of
course.
But the cook got up first. She was
up at five o'clock, and much surprised
was she to find the fire all ready for
filed with nice round
pine sticks and colored paper. Old
Thistlshummer was growing kind, she
thought. She touched the kindling of
with match and began pounding the
beefsteak. The cat came in from her
family Of six at the stable and rubbed
her side aud back on Malinda's ankles,
her tail waving, her spine gracefully
and billowy. She purred loud and ex.
pectant. The fire was cracking glae.
fully. Great guns sizs, whizz, bang,
boom The top Of the stove went out
first.
The cat bowled through the window,
leaving strong smell of burnt fur
trailing after her. The hired girl ran
'ut into the yard and wert over the
'snce like hurdle jumper. Then she
ell into . fit. Old Thistlehummer
woke and remarked to his wife that
AZ supposed the blamed idiocy had
begun. Then he heard more, and the
house rocked like 4 canal boat in q |
torn. Thistlehummer Is a brave man,
'ut when he came down stairs and
,azed in the kitchen he was somewhat
haken.
Rockets, Roman candles, pin wheels,
errents and fire crackers were holding |
high carnival in the sacred place, chas-
ng each other as if possessed. A sky
'scket which had been impotently
puttering away in a corner, reused
:self for final effort, and carried away
wo Of tho old gentleman's front teeth,
they we're false, though,) and then
ave him parting kick in the back,
eaving permanent lumbago. They
managed to save the rest Of the house
7ithout calling on the fire department,
hough the end next to the kitchen
,as burned az black as free lunch
Iver.
Josephus will never forgive Malinda
never. "Nothin' but keerlessness,
ays Master Thistlehummsr "she'd
rter looked"
But Malinda went to the hospital,
nd the cat, as she has never returned,
as, 1t is presumed, found another
house.
SERIOUS FALL.
"You are very late this morning,
II. Jinks, was the gruff sslutation Of =
ty merchant to one Of his clerks. "Do
OF let it happen again."
"Very sorry, sir" said the clerk,
umbly, "but l met with a serious .
H." :
"Ah, indeed" said tho merchant,
'lenting. "How did it happen Are
gu much hurt 2"
"Prinoipally, sir, in your estima- i,
en-" said the clerk. :
''Oh, never mind" said the mer- i
lant, in a kinder tone 'never mind
lat. commisserate you. We are all
able to accidents. How did you get a
IL fall ?" t
swell, you see, sir" said the clerk,
II was called quite early :
lis morning, in fact, you will observe,
r, somewhat earlier even than usual"
"Ah ~
"Yes. sir ; but somehow or other, l
II asleep again." b
"Mr. Jinks, you're humbug I" ex- ;
aimed the merchant, in bantering a
ne, for, in spite of his gruffness, he
rs fond Of joke. ''Go to your desk, "
r, and don't try it on again." s.
GRIsTs FROM OUR GRIN FACTORIES. I
Joseph Cook illustrates motives by !
ying that when a boy steals apples I
y apples are the external objective
olive, the boys love of apples is the
ternal subjective motive, and his de- b.
lion to steal them the moral motive. q
IL of the Sunday School papers adds n
at if the owner of the apples comes 81
'ng at just the right time the sole of >,
J boot becomes the external looomo- Of
".
When some years ago an eminent
lstralisn was inspecting in that coun,
, d lunstic asylum, miserably defect
, in construction and appointment,
asked what was the special feature
the lunacy Of a certain patient. A
''He thinks he Is in HE'LL" was the r
ply. Z
IF that's all his delusion," was the
olnder, ~ think he has a very sub. .
initial basis tor it."
A boy on South Hill toiled hard all ~