New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1879-09-24
WHOLE NUMBER 81.
VARIETY AND HUMOR.

but forcep-ly.
The mule never kicks against his
own convictions.
Horse clipping Is not approved Of
BY the hew-mane society.
"A man who owns q good oil well is
said to live on the fat Of the land.
No man ever yet looked on the
dark side Of life without finding it.
"His professionl What IL his pro.
fessionp Madame. he pedals music -
Every State in the Union except
Louisiana has Sunday law Of some
kind.
Ii you have good health, you have
nine-tenths Of all the Lord ever gives to
any man.
-" Missus Brown mighty kind"
said Sambo johnson; $. dis mo- MIN she
boil free eggs for herself, and CUB dis
chile de brof."
True worth, like the rose, will
blush at It's own sweetness" GoOdl
Could never understand why our face
was 80 red.-Eastern Ezchange.
1t Is vastly better to have little
with contentment than riches with
worry. The ass that carries you il
worth more than the horse that throws
you.
There is no good way to keep .
lawyer from talking. If he has no
real case he will suppose case, and
continue the argument-M. O. Pea
vI.se.
=. How do you tie love knotf''
asked Laura, toying with bit of blue
ribbon. .'Oh. any way" growled Tom,
behind bis newspaper, "just SO it will
pull out easy"
-" What Shall My Son Bep'' is the
title of new book. The chances are
that he will be the step-son of q new IA
Their, or the son-in-law of some other
woman.-Rcayune.
The first use of balloons in aerial
scouting was during our civil war.
They served the same purpose in the
Franco German war, and now they
are called for in the war with the
Zulus.
The old gentleman looked out of
the front window the first warm moon
lit evening, and the faint vision of two
forms down near the sidewalk caused
him to remark, with q sigh: "Ah!
they've struck their old gate again"
-Croton Lake. whence New York
City derives its supply of water. is
patroled daily by competent person,
who goes up in boat along the shore
on one side and down on the other, re-
moving all dead fish, brush and drift
wood.
An Irish waiter at Christmas
gathering complimented a turkey in
the following manner: Faith it's not
six hours since that turkey was walk
ing around his real estate with his
hands in his pockets, never dhraming
what purity invitashun he'd have to
iine yees gintlemen at dinner"
When caterpillar first goes into
business he is called caterpillar, Just
plain, unvarnished caterpillar; then
he turns into larva, then he is called
apupa, and sometimes q chrysalis, and
by the time he is butterfly he feels
like runaway bank president, he has
tOted around such q cartload of names.
"A Cleveland lady VINO has lately
passed few weeks in Paris always re-
fers to her kitchen girl as her " file de
cuisine" Her son will INSIST on refer
ring to the worthy domestic as our
"pot rassler," much to his mothers
horror-but he hasn't had the benefit
OF q fortnight in "Paree. ''-C1eveland
Voice.
The Louisville Co,rier-Jou-,,al, In
q burst of patriotic indignation, warns
the people Of the United States that the
Royal family of Great Britain have de-
signs upon Niagara Falls. When the
Princess Louise first looked upon the
Falls she threw her head back in
ecstacy, and exclaimed: "Don't speak:
let me drink in the whole scene!''
-" say" said bank cashier to =
friend, What do you think that
bloated old bondholder, the President
OF our deposit trap, has had the impu-
dence to dop He has told me to have
my books and cash ready for examine
ton tomorrow. Hanged if I haven't q
good mind to call him Out.'' go never
mind; it can't make any earthly differ
ence to you if your books are all right"
IS But that Is the mischief of it-they
amt
Blowing into the muzzle of shot
gun is standard method Of producing
newspaper items. It remains for q
young lad in Hartford, Conn.,, to intro
duce variation. The street hose
wouldn't work. The water was turned
on at the spiggot all right; but there
seemed to be an obstruction. He
placed his mouth completely over the
end of the nozzle and bowed Just once.
The pressure of the whole reservoir
suddenly broke loose, concentrated into
that one nozzle. The lad let 20 with
his mouth and sat down about fifty
feet away, and he has not yet been re-
lieved of the impression that his brain
is water-soaked.
He was crisp and blue-eyed old
gentleman, with benevolence beaming
from his countenance. He was looking
up to the handsome horse-chestnut
blossoming, when he suddenly slipped
upon some object on the sidewalk,
whereupon he examined it and began
to weep. Then he carried the little
crushed body to the cap of a fence.post
and bent sorr0wfully over it. He had
never, would never kill even fly. He
was as tender-hearted upon this point
as Uncle Toby. To be sure the little
creature was nothing but . potato-bug
-one Of the old school in q striped
smock, but still he wept over, it, and
wrung his hands, and lifted up his voice
In wild lamentations. He was dealer
in Paris-green. The end.-Neu London
Telegram.
An ingenious continuance for
awakening sleeper at any required
hour is announced among the recent
minor inventions. The apparatus Is to
be fixed on an ordinary clock, and is
20 arranged that when the hour-hand
Of the clock touches q button, an cleo
trio circuit Is completed. the minute
hand passing over the button without
eject. There are series Of holes for
the different hours, into any one Of
which the button can be pushed, &C.
c0rding to the time selected for awaken
in8 The cOmDlefi0n ~ tina alocfric