The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1879-08-01
TERMS $500 PER ANNUM, IN ADVANCE.
Plays Upon Words.

Plays Upon Words.
How the Pun-Makers Pass the Summer
81 wouldn't marry the best man liying" she ,aid
And she kept her vow from the first,
But she did not live to die old maid
For she married one Of the worst.
Engineers have to whistle for their pay
New Orleans Picayune The postage stamp
knows its place after it has been licked once.
The Lowell Courier says no Jew d'esprit
will hereafter 60 to Manhattan beach.
Waterloo Observer: Are book worms good
for bait?
New York Mail: The Jeanette is a belle
destined to move in the highest circles
New Orleans Picayune: If o man ever in
tends to shorten his days he should do so when
they are hot.
Worcester Gazette: How is 1t that trees can
put on new dress without opening their
trunks? Because they leave out their clothing.
Someryille Journal: Nero, Pompey and
Caesar are common names for dogs, but
wouldn't Agrippa be more appropriate?
New Orleans Picayune: West Point has q
Filtration Walk, where the cadets learn the
tactics used in engagements.
Fond du Lac Reporter: We never heard Of
man 80 mean that fly wouldn't become at
tached to him.
Yonkers Statesman; The man who was
heard to exclaim Lets have good DEAL
referred more to the quality than the quantity
Of the cards.
Yonkers Gazette: Scandal mongers may
learn this lesson from the frog Once over
passed the season of his adolescence he gives
up tail-bearing.
N. Y. Commercial Advertiser: A Brooklyn
pork packer reioices in the name of Eden
Figge. Who says that Bible names are going
out of fashion?
Boston Post: "Habit is second-nature,"
said the dramatic critic, as he gazed at the bar
lesque actress arrayed in flesh-colored, close
fitting garments.
The baby rolls upon the floor
Kicks up his tiny feet,
And pokes his toes into his mouth
Thus making both ends meet.
The dog attached to tin pail
Runs bowling down the street.
And, as he madly bites his tall
He maketh both ends meet.
ssa-sa The butcher slays the pensive pig,
fs.@.sss<sss his es~s and feet
And grinds them In a saL-age big
Thus making both ends meal. 49,
The farmer coops his skinny hens
And feeds them with choice wheat;
The means must justify the ends,
Andseo he makes them eat
-Hackensack Republican.
New York Commercial Advertiser We
have a shrewd suspicion that half the planets
recently discovered are merely old fellows who
have been off on starring tour.
Syracuse Times: A Syracuse boy put his
sisters switch into cannon for wadding on
the Fourth. He said that was the proper way
to bang her hair.
Detroit Post: Emile Zola's new novel
"L'Assommoir," is very taking. But when
man says to you, az 'Assommoir," prudence
will dictate, at least his careless articulation
will suggest, that he has had enough already.
Cincinnati Gazette: She wanted the appro-
priation bills passed with proviso that he,
she and the children were all to go to Sarato-
ga. But he vetoed it, and they went to the
country with their issues.
Philadelphia Chronicle Herald: A clergy
man won the canoe race at Lake George the
other day. The rest of the cloth will please
observe that it was practice, not preaching.
that
Newly married husband: "Thls is friend
of mine, my dear-a friend Of twenty years
standing" His bride: Good gracious Then
pray give him seat, for am sure he must be
tired"
man tried to get into Barnum's circus the
other day, without paying. He said he'd BE-
blowed, he would, If he was goin' to pay any
thing to go into the gratis show on earth. BE
guessed be knew what gratis meant.
As all the world knows, Paris has new
headsman. Cham, the French caricaturist, rep
resents condemned man in his CELL awaiting
the fatal summons The new headsman enters
and says, MY friend, this will be my debut"
YES" answers the poor fellow; "it's mine too"
Detroit Post: He had killed a man while
under the influence of liquor, and as the sher
iff marched him up to the gallows the doomed
criminal said he had sworn never to take an
other drop" and he hoped they wouldn't in
sist.
New York Commercial: During the delugs
Noah used to call his wife his ark angel,
which leads the Albany Journal to think he
had the making of a paragrapher in him.
ha oa11 bar
"dovey," and send her off to take observations?
We respect Noah, hut he had his peculiari.ies.
The story is told that Longfellow and Fields
were making short pedestrian tour some few
years since, when to their surprise an angry
bull stood in the pathway. evidently intending
to demolish both poet and publisher "I think"
said Fields, "that it will be prudent to give
this reviewer wide margin" "Yes," replied
the poet, it appears to be disputed passage"
Philadelphia Sunday Item: A country chap
had his girl in town last Sunday, and his city
cousin was showing them the sights. They
passed certain institution and the girl asked,
WHATS that?" "The Old Mans Home" re-
Piled the cousin, and the way that country
chap made for the car door was an excellent
example of the force of habit.
French paper: At Red Republican BAN
quet the chairman rises and begins his speech
thus; Follow citizens at this banquet where
fraternity reigns over all"- Frightful cries
of mo, mol" "Down with the tyranti" mo
reigns-this is a republic!" warn the orator
that he is touching on dangerous ground. He
adroitly recommences: Fellow citizens, at
this festival where fraternity is equal among
us alp Frantic applause