Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1879-03-09
Humorous Items.

Humorous Items.
There's one melancholy fact about a
calendar; there's no time when its days
are not numbered.
| We should think that weak man with
a heavy voice would sometimes be unable
to lift it up.
| When you visit the menagerie and be-
gin lion about the animals, don't give
jackal the bad names.
Anthony Comstock heard somebody
speak of a 'new departure" "a nude
departure? I'll have it arrested at once p
he exclaimed.-Butazo Sunday News.
One Of the seventy five points of differ
ence between Judge Hilton and St. Paul
is that the latter except his body under:
and the former didn't-PAHa. Bulletin
The father OF St. Louis bride presen'el
his son-in-law with $4,000 head of cattle.
"Papa, DEAR exclaimed his daughter,
when she heard of it, that was so kind
o: you; Charley's awfully fond of ox-tail
soup"
"Why are you looking at me so intent
~, Alice?' said Theodore. 81 was gazing
at vacancy" replied Alice, dreamily; and
yet there is a twinkle about her mouth
that shows her appraisement Of the young
man.
| | suppose the same man would live to
be eighty years old on brown bread, roots,
and green CRIBS, who would reach seventy
eight years on plum puddin and milk
punch. Which Of the two ways do you
consider the whichest2-Jos' Billings.
YOU'RE drunk, SIR said the captain
to an intoxicated blue acket, fresh from
an unlimited absence without leave. II
know I'm drunk" returned the tar, "but
| shall get over that. AS for you, he
went 90, looking at his commanding Of
fcer pityingly, you're a fool, and you'll
never get over that"
An exhorter in campmeeting in Geor-
gia was telling his congregation OF the
wickedness of the world, and how many
people cheated and lied and backbited,
and al! that sort Of thing, when an old
storekeeper jumped up and said, IL know
who you are hintin' at. faint no such
thing"
A bright little Shoreham boy, who had
| been engaged in combat with another
boy, was reproved by his arnt, who told
him he ought always to wait until the
other boy pitched upon him. "Well,"
explained the young helligerent, ':but if
wait for the other boy to begin, I'm
afraid there won't be any fight"
A scientific lecturer put out flaming
handbllls headed "Know Thyself." A
wag soon called on the lecturer and told
him he was inducing a great many peo-
pie to form acq laintances of very low
order. The lecturer looked at the wag q.
moment, and said, "My friend, you are
right, but it never occurred to me until l
saw you"
MADAM" said a doctor one day to the
mother of sweet, healthy babe, Il wish
to enquire what you do to have such a
lovely, happy, uniformly good childs"
The mother unused for a moment over the
strangeness of the question, and then re-
piled, simply anu beautifully, "Why,
God has given me healthy child, and I
let it alone"
A minister of West Anstruther appealed
to Sir Robert Anstruther, who was an ex-
tenslve landowner in that parish, to
assist in placing stove in the church,
which he said the congregation found
very cold. "Cauld, sir! cauld!" Sir Robert
exclalmed-"then warm them with your
doctrine, sir. John Knox never asked
for a stove in his kirk!'
During the debate on the civil rights
bill, General Butler, who was leading the
Republican side, asked Mr.. Randall. the
Democratic leader, to agree to Sunday
session, in order to finish up the business.
Randall objected, saying that he had
some hopes of hereafter. Butler re-
lied, eff you have, you will be the same
there as here, a member of the lower
house."
A reverend gentleman WHO resides in a
nelghboring town has the misfortune to
own a son who IS addicted 70 drink. The
other night when the family had retired
to rest, the son returned home in his
usual condition. When the father open
ed the door to his graceless offspring, he
exclaimed, sadly, 'Drunk again, Henry
drunk aga;n!' ''All right, father" re-
piled the staggering reprobate, $50 am
, Ip
railroad company suspecting dead
heads, put detective On the track. One
day he heard passenger remark that it
was very easy to 90 from B. to
D. without ticket He watched
the speaker and was surprised to see him
hand the conductor a ticket. Getting in
7 to conversation with the passenger he
said: I'D like to know your plan for
travelling without ticket, and don't
mind giving you couple Of dollars fol
it." Done" said the man, pocketing
: the bill. "When want to travel with
: out ticket I walk"
Some tests have been made at Ports
t mouth, England, to ascertain the effect o.