The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1879-10-07
HUMOROUS.

sell toothache-drops and corn -salYe to
Il small crowd at the head of Monroe
avenue. AS sales were slow he thought
to flattcr the crowd by saying: "Gen-
tlemcn, L have travelled over 25,OOA
miles IN this country, seen all sorts of
people ana come In contact with all
colors, and must say that you twenty
men now surrounding me have tho
most Intelligent appearance Of any
coterlc ever saw" In the crowd was
u six-footer who drives coat-cart. lie
had been chewing gum in a very de-
libcratc and mcthodical manner, and
when tho speech was ended he slowly
turned from man to man to sec what
erect had been produced. Finding Il
look OF indifference on each face he
swallowed his quid, pushed his way to
the front. and kicking over tho dry
goods box used by the "doctor" as
counter, he flourished his fists and
called out 'Mebbc this 'ere crowd
can stand to be insulted to it's teeth,
put I'm clothcs-pln who can't bc
stepped on in my own town by stran-
ger! CoEe up here like a man and
strike right out from the shoulder
No man can call me Il coteric and keep
Il sound head on him - The doctor
had pressing business elsewhere.
WHAT lie WANTED.-As lie walked
into the grocery store the clerk leaned
over the counter and asked him what
he wanted.
.'Do ! look as though in need of any
thing?"
81 thought perhaps you wanted some
potatocs,' the clerk said, appologeti-
cally.
"ls there anything peculiar about my
eyes, nose or teeth which seems to sug-
gest lack of potatoes on my part?"
81 don't know that there is"
Can you construc the appearance of
the lobe OF my left car into an admis-
sion that at the present moment | am
out of wine-jclly and cucumbers? Can
you infer from the dishevelcd state Of
my hair that my children are at home
crying for soft crabs aud tomatoes :?
wen, | didn't suppose you could.
DON'T want to buy anything; but I'll
be Obliged to youlf you'll lend me your
coal shovel for an hour or two?"
1t was handed out to him.
a wELL-knOwn joker, being one
night ut theatre, fancicd lie saw q
friend some three seats in front of him.
turning to his next neighbor, he said :
"Would you be kind enough to touch
that gentleman with your stick ?''
'Certainly," was the reply, and the
thing was done. But when the indi-
vidual thus assaulted turned round, the
wag saw he was not the man he took
him for, and became at once absorbed
III the play, leaving his neighbor with
the stick to settle matters with the
gentleman in front, which, as he had
no excuse ready, was not done without
considerable trouble. When tho hub
bub was over the victim said, "Didn't
you ask me, sir, to tap that man with
my stick" Yes" "What did YOU
want3" "Oh," said the joker, with
imperturbanlc gravity, 81 wanted to
see whether you would"
~ SMALL boy with big cent In his
hand stood before a Michigan avenue
grocery for long time before making
up his mind to enter. When asked
what he desired, he inquired: eff a
Doy should come here and get trusted
for stick of gum, how much would it
be2" zone cent" was the reply.
"One cent" was the reply. "And if a
boy should come here with the cash :,
how much would It be?'' "Just the
same" 'Thcn Igucss I'll get trusted ,
Quietly remarked the 1lnnucier as ho
slipped the cent down into his pocket.
a WRITER recently set himself at
work to get ont series OF papers on
"Thc Great Men of America" but
aftcr diligently reading them up in the
Journa Is OF opposite political faiths, lie
came to the conclusion that wa had
none at present, and never had more
than one or two in all our history as q
nation, and he could not find out Just
who they were.
CUsTARD PIES WITHOUT MILK.-Beat
together five eggs, five tablcspoonsful
OF sugar, and little salt; pour one
pint OF boiling water, stirring briskly
while adding the water, flavor with
spices most pleasing to the taste, and
complete the pic the same as other
custards. The quantity is sufficient
for two.
GREEN sage put in closet, will
clear it Of red ants.
~ HAVE nothing but my heart tc
give you,' said Il spinster to a lawyer
who had concluded suit for her
"Well," said the lawyer gruflly, "gc
to my clerk; he takes the fccs.''
a YOUNG man went into a restaurant
e.iS oo'iSA way GnQl
"Time is money!" added that as ne had
had half an hour to spare, if the pro.
p!rictor was willing he'd take it out In
pic.
TEMPERANCE rcformers should turn
their attention to money; it is always
tight.
BRASS hornists are quick witted; they
are we'll known as-tOot men.
Is IT POSSIBLE that a remedy made OF
such common. simple plants as Hops,
Buchu, Mandrake, Dandelton, &C.,
make so many and snch marvellous and
wonderful cures as Hop Bitters dop II
must be, for when old and young, rich
and poor, Pastor and Doctor, LAWYER
and Editor, all testify to having been
cured by them, we must believe and
doubt no longer. See other column.
DccToKs arc to guard human life and
bring relief TO the sick. 50 does Or.
lull's Baby Syrup; it contains nothing