Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1879-08-29
HITS AND MISSES.

If poverty is a disgrace, mendod stockings
are n darned shame
Something strange, but true-A railway
brake often prevents a railway smash.
The most treacherous memory in the world
belongs to n young man with new watch.
No, young man, lisle-thread gloves are not
legal tender for a lost bet with a pretty girl.
An exchange asks if it would be proper to
speak of a kerosene explosion as a light af-
Fiction.
Ajax defed the lightning, but it is worthy
OF remark that the Jersey variety was not
then invented.
"And the iron entered my sole" said Gray
head, as he pulled the tack out of the bottom
of his slipper.
The Boston Post knows boy who crawl.
ed under a camp meeting tent, thinking that
he was going to a circus.
'If there's no moonlight, will you meet
me by gaslight dearest Juliana?" mo, Au-
gustus, l WON'T, replied she; 'Tm no gas
meter"
1t is great piece of folly for man to be
always ready to meet trouble half way. If
he would put all the journey on trouble he
might never meet it all.
visitor observed to Meissoner that he
seemed to have none of his own pictures
''Too dear, my dear madam" said the great
artist Il can't afford them"
Yes" said a Texas lawyer who was de-
Tending murderer, the prisoner at the bar
will prove an alibi. Gentlemen, we shall prove
that the murdered man wasn't there"
The idea of having your wife's mother to
stay with you this kind of weather." '"The
very thing" "How so ?" 81 get the advan-
tage of the decided GOODNESS between us"
gentleman being asked whether he was
seriously injured when n steam boiler e1-
ploded, is said to have replied that he was so
used to being blown up by his wife that steam
had no effect on him.
Boys don't be deceived. A girl who will
talk of the climbs" of table will after mar
riage, chase you all around the ragged ram
parts of two-acre lot with a rolling pin and
a regular kerosene confagration in both eyes
Pa" said n little boy who was looking at
pictures of strange creatures, IAN aux is
bird which one would be apt to shun, isn't
it," II suppose so" TRANQUILITY answered the
father And if anyone should shun an aux,
then that would be an auk-shun, wouldn't ?"
Professor (in answer to request of fresh
man class president, for use of recitation
room, to hold a class meeting (-''Would it be
a great convenience to you, sir n Freshman
Yes, sir; we can hardly hold it anywhere
else" Professor-"Well, sir, then you can't
have it."
An English showman's version of the story
of King Darius, Daniel and the lions, was as
follows: AT him, says the king. We
won't says the lions AT him again, says
the king Blowed if We will, SAYS the lions,
which wos q sell for the great King Darius,
and VERY we1atious."
A party of Baptist clergymen were blue
fishing off Martha's Vineyard the other day.
A question arose as to whether a certain spe-
cimen was really a bluefsh. I'VE call em
Baptists," said native fisherman. The
Baptist clergymen rather eagerly asked why?
cease they spile so soon arter they're taken
out % the water"
pretentious fussy man, who wanted to
make speech to a Sunday school, thought
began by saying Now, boys, what does a
man want when he goes a tishing?" A shriu
voice in the crowd went directly 10 the point
with wants bite" The gentleman sat
down without further remarks.
An old gentleman of eighty -four having
taken to the altar n damsel of sixteen, the
clergyman said to him You will find the
font at the opposite end of the church"
'What do I want with the font ?" asked the
old gentleman. Il beg your pardon" said
the clerical wit, Il thought you had brought
the child to be christened."
Instructor in Astronomy "And now,
young gentlemen, which of you can tell me
the name of the greatest of planets-the
champion planet, SO to speak, of our solar
system p
Student. 81 can, Sir. It's Saturn"
Instructor. "And hows that, pray!"
Student why, because he carries tho
belt"