The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1879-12-11
KAlFs AND wAlMs.


sity.
A SINGULAR fact-to-day will be yes
terday tomorrow.
FARMERS, look to your interest-par-
ticularly if it is overdue.
A GOOD name is better than precious
ointment -on the back Of bank note.
MAN gets but little here below, but
COWS get considerable here below.
TINS thing should be looked into,"
as the microscope dealer said.
LOVE levels all ranks" but tits the
sexton, and not CUPID, that sods taem
down.
Go to thine auut, thou sluggard, and
if she is worth any money, Consider her
way.
ONE of our reporters came in the
other day and because the wind blew his
nose, was red.
" IT is the nudestest statue ! ever
saw" says somebody, speaking of a re-
cent work of art.
A PAPER, and not Western journal
either, suggestively speaks OF doctors
s-killful treatment.
IT is mistake to wish the butcher
would remove the bones before weigh
ing your meat. How would you like to
be wei shed that way yourself?
IT is one-quarter safer to fall into the
Atlantic Ocean than into the Pacific:
for the latter is four miles deep, while
the Atlantic is only three.
ON Kentucky bridge is this notice:
" No vehicle drawn by more than one
animal is allowed to cross this bridge in
Of ~ fhnc
PEOPLE are beginning to find out that
Sara Bernhardt is not SO thin as the
Jokes that are being made about her
Modern Argo.
You can shorten courtship at least a
year by presenting the female with a
big locket from the nearest dollar store,
and dropping hint that it cost about
twenty dollars.
WHAT relation is loaf of bread to
steam engine? A steam engine is an in
vention, and bread neces sity there
fore, necessity is the mother of inven-
ton.
A BUFFALO school teacher went fish
ing all one holiday week and never had
bite. One of his scholars slipped out
of school for two hours and caught
SOME men are very careful in their Sc
lection of associates. Yet many of
them who own gold watches wear black
guards about their necks.-SteubeneaUe
Herald.
THREE hundred and eighty-three
years ago Christopher Columbus made
it possible for "reaI Havana cigars to
be made in Hartford from Connecticut
tobacco, by discovering Cuba Boston
Post
"MR SMITH. wish to speak to you
privately. Permit me to take you apart
for moment" Smith (who wasn't the
least frightened) =" Certainly, sir, if
you'll promise to put me together
again."
A BRIDAL couple from Washoe Val
ley, at breakfast this morning, con-
versed as follows: He-"Shall | skin
your partater, honeyT She-"No,
| thank ou, dearie, l have one already
skun."- Virginia Chronicle.
BLISS. This is a hard word to define:
but we'll try it. just imagine a man
| with a mouthful of hash half way down
his throat while he is pulling UP a long
| hair from between the hash and his
plate. Well, that amt bliss.
THIS season appears to lack fixed
meteorological principles, but it keeps
| up pretty fair catarrhal pressure, with
areas Of influenza in the north and east
aud precautionary chest protector sig
mails ordered agl ..long lie -oast. Puck
Two friends meeting, one remarked,
" have Just met man who told me
looked exactly like you.". &c Tell me
who it was, that l may knock him
down." replied his friend. "Don't
trouble yourself" responded the ether.
81 at once did that myself"
I A COUNTRY paper, speaking of the
| good things of the town where it is
published, says: Z" We are proud of
the oppressively solemn appearance of
| our undertakers. A smiling undertaken
is hideous incubus on the growth of
place."
HE was an old man and sick unto
death, but when the minister promised
| him that he would shortly meet his wife
in heaven he said that if it was all the
same to her, he guessed he would try
the other place for spell. You see he
had lived with his wife good while on
earth.
| M ucdIcSI uuClc, says nuuOIOUo
writer, 90 was the most polite man in the
world He was making a voyage on the
Delaware,a and the boat sunk. My
uncle was just about drowning. He got
his head above the water for once, took
| of his hat, and said: Ladies and gen.
tlemen, will you please excuse me?"
and down he went.
ONE of the curiosities to be exhibited
at the loan exhibition in this village,
we are told, is printers recelpted
board bill. Of course we can't vouch
for the truthfulness of this statement,
but you can take it for what it is worth.
If it be true it is we'll worth the price
of admission. Os,cego Times. 49,
SHE never will crown with her earnest love
The life of some honest, loving man,
For she kindled the fire in the kitchen stove,
With the lightsome tilt of the kerosene can.
! And he-his work has been laid away
Almost before it well begun;
For he didn't know, they heard him say,
There was any load in the einpty gun
-BwvtiNysos Ha,ekeye-
WE have the girl of the. If you
would = her call early; she has no Il.
Editors should not approach with -,
as she might look RI at fellow, or make
him see M: but as .ical visits may ex-
cite Sal jealousy, we enjoin great caution.
Use your $$ freely, and make the 2?
pointed, heed not her II, but get a Il de-
cisive answer. She may say, e, put him
on the der and give an to autumn"
Al d., 49,.