Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1879-08-01
NO. 81.
HITS AND MISSES.
Noah's arc-the rainbow.
Tan bark-A terricr's vein


Cruelty to animals pounding dogs
Some sticks require little lemon mid
Forkcd lightning is not usually tiny af-
fair.
The most unpleasant section Of surgical sci
euce- PiCi-section.
The chances Of running bull out of a ten
acre lot are toss-up.
When q man hasn't "rod, ." he gets 20 blue
that everything looks black.
Farmers gather what they SOW, while seam
stresses sew what they gather.
The fellow made a bad bull when he went
to steal n squash and got gourd
The elephant is 80 afraid of baggage smash
ers that he never checks his trunk
"a charge to keep l have" as the gun said
when it was loaded and put away for future
use.
Where you can't find good looking glass
you will scarcely find goodlooking lass, ei-
ther
"We don't find the times so very hard"
said a hackman. "Wo all do driving bust
ness"
When the time arrives for a baby to COM
mence eating bread you should break il to
him gently.
horse can use straw all his life and keep
sober but it is a mighty dangerous expert
ment for a man.
DO right" cried the preacher "Do
write" gushed Miss Limberchin when she left
for the mountains.
A witty writer says freedom is known to be
Of the feminine gender because she "shrieked
when Kosciusko fell"
The boys are coming out of the creeks in
undress uniform these days. They get "tlrcss-
ed" when they get home.
That's what call political shy cane"
said Brownrigg when the opposing candidate
threw his walking stick at him.
One point of difference between tiinid
child and shipwrecked sailor is that one
clings to its ma and the other to its spar.
You mustn't think it is heart trouble that
makes the young lady cry "Oh!" so often,
these days. 1t is simply oh-ing to the heat.
A man can never succeed in holding two or
three dozen pins in his mouth, as a woman
does, no matter how much he practices OH
shad.
When n boy sees nice, round, smooth
stone lying on the ground he always thinks
it rather mean that there isn't yellow dog in
the vicinity.
A circular advocating a summer resort calls
attention to numerous cozy seats in forked
trees and elsewhere-some of them Just large
enough for two persons"
Two lawyers, while bathing at Santa Cruz
the other day, were chased out of the water
by shark. This is the most fragrant case of
want of professional courtesy on record.
The difference between honor and discre-
tion is, that honor tells you not to hit n man
when he's down, and discretion warns you TO
be careful about hitting him when he isn't
down.
A young artist has painted picture of n
flCfr a Al,
ly done that none but the best connoisseurs
can tell the bark Of the tree from that of the
dog.
Etiquette says call should not be less than
fifteen minutes in length. But when a cler-
gyman receives q ''call," he prefers it not to
be less than one thousand dollars longer than
the old one.
Il would box your ears" said a young lady
to her stupid and tiresome admlrer, if
IF what?' he anxiousy asked. ''If," she
repeated, II could get box large enough for
the purpose"
Denmark has an organization called The
Maiden Assurance Society" Such societies
are not needed in this country. Many Amer
ican maidens have too much assurance already
especially at fairs.
How do you like my new hat ?" said
Augustus to his fiancee. oh that 'snobby :"
exclaimed she. And now Augustus wants to
know where that apostrophe belongs, and
what she really meant.
"Well sonny" said a doting uncle TO his
little nephew, who had been absent all day
fshing-''well sonny, did you catch q good
many fish ?" mo uncle, but l drowned a
good many worms" was 'sonny's" reply.
Whatever shall I do with such bad, bad
boy :" said loving mother, as she tried to
impress on the mind of her six-year-old tow
head his manifold troublesomeness. "Oh,
you let me alone amt half so bad as | can
be-"
gentleman at Newark, N. j., leaped from
the carriage when his horse ran away and
left his wife to be smashed. She reined the
horse into fence stepped down, and in half
an hour was consulting lawyer about di-
vorce.
'One hundred and sixty-seven dogs go to
the pound" was the heading of an article in
the paper the other morning "Sakes alive"
exclaimed Mrs. de Finkey, when she read
this mo wonder dogs can swim, if they're
as light as that :"
When a man is standing with one foot on q
truck and the other on a case on the sidewalk
and the horse suddenly starts and causes him
TO open like pair of shears, the rapidity with
which he can't decide what to do is one of the
most insOluble phenomena of human nature.
or gentleman" is often puzzling, but Dun
barton correspondent of the Manchester IN.
H. ) Mirror, in describing barn raising,
seems to have hit upon happy medium. He
says the attendants numbered over 300 males
and 10 ladies.
A Georgia judge has decided that a woman
is not an old maid until she has reached the
age of thirty five. This decision being with
out recourse, the unmarried ladies of Georgia
have one and all decided that the line shall be
drawn anterior to five and thirty. Thus far
will they go, but no farther.
1t doesn't take much of a mathematician to
count flies but for fear that some of our
readers may not know what fly is and how
they are weighed, we append the following
table Green -grocers will find it an excellent
authority for weighing butter lG2 house
flies one ounce 2592 house flies one pound;
259, POO house flies one hundred d-weight;
:, 1S4, 900 house flies one ton. The reader
may extract some consolation by pasting this
on the bedroom wall and studying it at night,
- Ke3n York ErIreSS