Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1879-01-09
THE EVENTS OF THE. YEAR.
A Graphic Forecast Of Remark
able Occurrences Of the Future.


The year 1879 is to be very happy
ONT.
Any newspaper back writer with q
tile of his journal and pair of scissors
can make out record of the past. But
one requires peculiar faculties and op-
portunities to tell in advance what will
be the events of the year that is to
come.
Col. Bob Ingersoll will be converted
by Mr.. Moody and will conduct se-
ries of revival meetings at Ocean
Grove.
Joe Cock will lose the power of
speech and become pupil in the deaf
and dumb school of DIR. Gaudellet.
Mr.. Dana and President Hayes will
become recOnciled, and Mr.. Dana will
accept the position of Minister to Ber-
lin. Before sailing for his new post he
will take the total abstinence pledge
from the hands of Mrs. Hayes, and be
decorated with the Blue Ribbon of
the Murphy Association.
Queen Victoria, Emperors William
and Francis Joseph, the Czsr, Kings
Humbert, Alfonso and Leopold, and
all the other sOvereigns will form the
Mutual Anti Assassination Association
Qimited), capital 9710 81 3d., and go to
live together n the Island of Caprera,
appointing Garibaldi as Secretary and
Treasurer of the company, at weekly
salary of los 4d.
Mr.. Gladstone and Earl Bacons6eld
will retire from political life and go
into q commercial partnership under
the firm name of "Glad & Dizzy"
They will deal chiefly in waste paper,
and the unsold copies of their speeches
and books will form their principal
stock in trade.
The Primes OF Wales will become
the President OF the Society for the
Preservation of Puritanical Purity.
The Indians will be paid their annu-
tiles promptly and without cheating,
the bargains made with them will be
faithfully carried out and the foremen
in the newspaper offices will distribute
the standing headlines, Another In
dian Outrage" death to the Red
Devils" and so on.
Theodore Tilton and Mr.. Beecher
will start new family journal OF q
highly moral character, entitled The
Re Union. Mr.. MoultOn will be the
manager and Miss Bessie Turner will
contribute art and theatrical gostip.
Mr.. Jay Gould will retire from Wall
street, become lay-brother in . Trap
pist Monastery, give all his money to
the poor, and spend the rest of his
days in Silent meditation upon the
vanity OF riches.
Mr.. Evarts will write and speak In
sentences containing only five words.
The Washington Monument will be
finished.
All the tramps will become industri-
Gus, hard working and thrifty mem
bers Of society, and will contribute lib
orally to the funds for extending the
work of the foreign missionary socie'
ties.
No will case will be tried in any of
the courts.
The best pews in the churches will
be reserved for the poor, aud no SER
mon Of more than 80 minutes will be
preached.
The English Parliament will con-
cede Home Rule to Ireland.
The United States Congress will do
all in its power to promote our trade
with Mexico, South America aad the
East.
Politicians of all parties will keep
the pledges made before election.
Dennis Kearney and Yung Yang
Ying will pool their issues; Dennis
will become controlling director in
the Chinese Six Companies and the
Sand Lot people will parade under 3
banner inscribed 1.-The Chinese Must
Stay"
Eli Perkins will tell the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the
truth.
The credit system will be abolished
and the people will only buy and sell
fOr cash