Daily Republican., 1879-03-27
HUMOROUS.

MR. JBHKB AND THB CATS.-MI. JOslel
Jsnks has been for long time greatly
annoyed by feline intruders that 90 in
to his yard, and make night hidsous BY
their noise. He had tried every way
imaginable to get rid Of them; but eve
ry attempt proved unsuccessful. One
day he was oontriving TO form plar
BY which he could annihilate his un'
welcome guests; after neditating = long
while, . happy thought struck him, h.
knew Of pile Of bricks which lay 10
hind the house, and resolved to take Z
half dozen TO his bedroom, and throw
them At the first thing he should hear
caterwauling. And when evening
came he carried six bricks into his
bedroom, without being seen by Mrs.
Jenks, placed them near the window,
and awaited osming events.
He went to bed, and had been there
about an hour when he heard . "mee.
ow." He got eut Of bed very quietly,
and seissd ) large brick. Going to the
window he threw up the sash, and lean
ed far out on the sill, with ths missile
clutched in his uplifted right hand.
1t happened that Bill Johnson was
passing jenk's house at the time, AID
feeling thirsty, stepped into the yard
to get drink Of water. He saw tho
aight.cappsd head protruding from the
window; and supposing that perhaps
Mr.. Jenks thought him thief, he was
going to say:
ii Am not q robber, Mr.. jerks; only
want 10 get . drink Of water"
But Mr. Johnson's remarks wero
greatly abbreviated, and were as fol-
lows:
81 am not a-ou ouch! what is the
mischief Ny head is crushsd!'
"Wha-wha-whst Is tho matter"
said Jsuks.
You come down here, and I'll tell
ysu what's tho matter, you detestabls,
lopsidsd, infamous old poltroon. I'll 80
right down to Squire AoGrath's te.mor-
row morning, and have you put in Jail
for attempting to assassinate ms,yellsd
Johnson.
In vain Mr.. jerks tried to explain
that hs was annoyed by cats, and was
thus trying to dispsrse tho unwelseme
visitors. But the irato Johnson rushed
out Of the yard, after tearing in half
Jsnkss best shirt Chat was hanging on
the line, 70 tie around his cut head.
Mr.. Jenks then went 70 bed, fully
convinced that.the brick process was
not . sucosss. He did not rest we'll
that night, for hs imagined that about
aftssn cats were playing around bis
window, each trying to make tho most
noise. But he threw NO more bricks.
In the morning constable invited
Mr.. Jenks to call At Squire hcGrath's
Office. He WAS charged with assault
and battery on William Johnson. The
result was, Mr.. Jsnks paid the costs,
was dismissed with = reprimsnd, and
advised to throw no moro bricks.
Any person passing Jenks' house
during the day can see him carrying
largo double barrel gun and three
pounds Of buckshot In > pouch. Cats
are now scarce, and Mr.. jerks is = hap
py man.
A Wsll-ts-ds but indeffersntly-edu
sated farmer Of Wisconsis, who Wa
once elected to tho State Assembly,
and who has since then used varlsus
high sounding terms picked up during
his brief legislative experience, was
enc day speaking with = neisAbor
about the similarity of their residences,
just completed, "oxcspting," said tho
garrulous man, "ths kitchens, which
are Just vira uoce." A few days since
no lost a valuable pair Of mules. Dis
tressed At the loss, he wont toa neigh.
Dor to inquire after the strays. Said he,
That mule team OF mine ran away
last night. Tvo hunted the farm trom
end to end, and I'm blessed if l can
find a thing OF 'em, pro or con-"
By THE CARD.-That Is = clever DE-
vice, reported from the West, Of = hotel
keeper who could find No painter in
town to place the numbers on the
rooms, and whs accordingly distin.
guished then by pssting a pack OF
cards on the several doors. He could
Of course pay no more delicate oompli-
1aent to q lady than to label her
"qussn OF hearts," and could not
better tickle the pride Of wealthy
patron than to dub him liking Of dia-
monds." Thsn, too, the supercilious
night clerk could send any person he
did not like to the "douce."
The provsrbial wit Of the Irish jsrvey
is ottentimss mixed with an undercur-
rent Of stern reality that is as touching
as it is eloquent. Driving through
Sackvills street, Dublin, the other day,
on outside cal, the wretched appearance
Of the horse suddenly struck a visitor.
Hs said, "Pat, you ought to be taken
up for cruelty to animals, driving such
an old screw as that "Begor, sur"
was the quick reply, "if didn't dhrive
that, I'd be taken up for cruelty to
wife and six children!'
An art critic, going into gallery in
4 state Of mild insbriation 10 criticiso
some pictures, sees himself in 4 glass,
and taking out his note book, writes as
follsws: "First room; head Of = drunk
ard, no signature; has great deal Of
red nose remarkably truth
full. Must be 4 portrait from life; think
I've seen that face some where"
A short sighted man went to an op-
4. - hio ri rluulaa -hioh