The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1879-05-22
D proceed with az little delay as posi-.

20 proceed with az little delay as posi-.
Die. His first act was to feed his !
horses, and in doing that his trouble
for in feeding the last
horse he managed, while in the stall,
to make the horse pull somewhat sud-
denly and violently upon the halter.
Our friend was in such position as to
be thrown with considerable force
against the side of the stall, jarring
him severely, his hat-a new one
falling on the floor by the horses heels
and the grain flying in all directions,
He didn't stop to moralize with the
horse upon the necessity of greater
discretion if he persisted in the prac-
tice Of such vicious habits, but with as
little discretion as the horse had prac-
ticed, he got a whip and larruped him
until both were satisfied. In the fracas
the hat still remaining OH the floor,
was filled about One-third with genu-
inc horse fertilizer. After taking
breath, our much irritated friend
picked up his hat, and, unmindful of
its contents, placed both upon his head
and again proceeded to business with
vigor and haste, but everything went
wrong. He began to perspire, or
thought he did, and wiped the sup
posed perspiration from his brow and
face with clean linen handkerchief,
which his wife had that morning Civ
en- him, highly perfumed with new
As,I ~I~ i~lA oh al h cd
chased the day before, and which she
had brought out especially for his
days use. He was too much occupied
to notice the delicious perfume the first
time he used his handkerchief, but the
next time he did. and he did not rel
ish it.; the third time he used it he
THOUGHT "damn" such perfumery.
As he progressed, he thought he was
perspiring freely and began to blame
himself for getting 80 excited with the
horse, thinking that was the cause of
such copious perspiration. He was too
much occupied with business to notice
tho deep yellow, fertilized color his
white handkerchief was assuming, but
he DID notice the perfume, and the
more he noticed It the less he THOUGHT
damn-and tho more he spoke it, and
was resolved to reprimand his wife Sc
verely for being 80 humbugged. But
as all things wane, 30 did our friends
i'll temper as he neared the end, and
he thought, a. he was going into the
house, that he would merely intimate
to his wife that she had been slightly
cheated in her purchase. On entering
the house he found there a lady friend
and neighbor, who had called thus
| early of an errAnd, whose dress was
finished Off with an apron of the latest
pattern snd Of snowy whiteness. As
the croesest husbands are generally OF
the best of good nature when in COM
pany, 30 our friend became extremely
gentle and polite. He tipped his hat
and bowed, and as he did so, the great
er part Of that manure pile that he
had carried in his hat all the morning,
went plump into the lady's lap, the
balance came tumbling down over his
face and shoulders, and fell at her feet.
The lady was indignant, her nice apron
elaborately worked and trimmed, was
ruined. Our would-be facetious friend
stood before her speechless, with glar-
ing eyes and open mouth, the very
personification of petrified vacancy.
He looked into his hat, then into her
lap, then down upon the floor, and
then to the ceiling above, for solution
of the mystery. His appearance was
SO ludicrous that the lady forgot. her
indignation and Joined the wife in
screams of laughter at tho situation,
whlle our completely nonplussed friend
merely inquired "what in hell has
happened now ?' It is considered q
RICH joke.
Moral-Don't have a horse that pulls
only in the harness.
II you have such a horse, don't whip
him in the stable, unless your hat is
on your head.
Don't tip your hat to a lady unless
you are practiced in the art, and don't
practice unless you KNOW what is in
your hat. III.