The Milan exchange. (Milan, Gibson County, Tenn.) 1874-1978, 1879-11-27
/" THE BABIES"
Mark Twain's Speech at the banquet of
the Army of the Tennessee.
1Chieago Ifmes Report.l

was made by Samuel l.. Clemens, other
wise " Mark Twain, . in response to the
novel sentiment of 1.-The Babies"
1.-The Babies. - As they comfort US
in orr sorrows, let rs not forget them in
our festivities. Laughter.
/ like that We haven't all had the
good fortune to be ladies' laughter -
we haven't all been generals, or poets or
statesmen, but when the toast works
down TO the " Babies - we stand on
common ground, for we've all been
there-been babies. Laughter and
applause. 1t is a shame that, for a
thousand years, the worlds banquets
have utterly ignored the baby, as if he
didn't amount to any thing If you
gentlemen will stop and think a minute
If you will go back so or 100 years to
your early married life laughter and
recOntemplate your first baby, you will
remember that he amounted to good
deal, and even something over. You
soldiers all know that when that little
fellow arrived at family headquarters
you had to hand in your resignation.
Laughter. He took entire command.
You became his -lackey, his mere body
servant, and you had to stand around,
too. lie was not commander who
made allowances for time, distance,
weather, or any thing else-you had to
execute his order, whether it was posi-
BILE or not. Laughter.
And there was only one form of march
ing in his manual of tactics, and that
was the dOuble-quick. He treated you
with every sort of insolence and disre-
spect, and the bravest of you didn't dare
to say a word. You could face the
death-Storm of Donelson and Vicksburg,
and give back blow for blow APP
plause but when he clawed your whiS-
kers, and pulled your hair, and twisted
your nose, you had TO take it Laugh
ter When the thunders of war were
sounding in your ears, you set your face
toward the batteries, and advanced with
steady tread; but when he turned on the
terrOrs of his war-whoOps, you advanced
in the other direction laughter l.
mighty glad of the chance, too. When
he called for soothing sirup, did you
venture to throw out any side remarks
about certain services being unbecom-
ing an officer and a gentleman? Laugh
ter. No! You got up and got it. Ii
ne ordered his pop-bottle, and it wasn't
warm, did you talk back2 No! You
went to work and warmed it. You even
descended so far in your mental office
as To take suck at that warm, insipid
stuff yourself, to see if it was right
three parts water to one of milk, a touch
of sugar to modify the collie, and a drop
of peppermint to kill those immortal
hiccoughs. | can taste it yet. ROars
of laughter. .-..
And how many things you learned, as
you went along. Sentimental young
folk still took stock in that beautiful old
saving, that when the baby smiles in his
sleep it is because the angels are whis-
pering to him. Very pretty, but "too
thin" Laughter. Simply wind on
the stomach, my friends! If the baby
proposed to take a walk at his usual
hour-2 80 in the morning-didn' you
rise up promptly and remark. with
mental addition which wouldn't in
prove Sunday-schoOl book much, that
that was the very thing you were about
TO propose yourself? Roars. Oh,
you were under good disciplined And
as you went fluttering up and down the
room in your undress uniform, " you
not only prattled undigniiied baby-talk,
but you tuned up your martial voice and
tried to sing, Rock-a-by, baby, in the
tree-top,'' for instance What specta-
Gle for an Army of the Tennessee!
GRoars of laughter. What an affiiction
tor the neighbors, too for it isn't every
body within a mile around that likes
military music at , in the morning.
And when you had been keeping this
sort of thing up two or three hours, and
your little velvet-head intimated that
nothing suited him like exercise and
noise g. 90 on what did you do?
You simply went on, till you dropped in
the last ditch. Great laughter. The
idea that baby doesn't amount
TO any thing! Why, one baby is
Just a house and front-yard full |
by itself; one baby can furnish
more business than you and your whole /
Interior Department can attend to; he |
j. enterpriSipg, irrepressible, brimful of
iawiess activities; do what you please, |
YOU can't make him stay on the reserva-
ton. Prolonged laughter. Sufficient |
unto the day is one baby. As long as
YOU are in your right mind don't you I.
ever pray for twins. Roars of laughter I.
and bushes by Gen. Sheridan Twins
amount 10 a permanent riot, and there .
amt any real difference between trip |
lets and an instruction. Laughter.
Yes, 1t was high time for POSTMASTER
10 recognize the Importance Of the
" Babies Think what is in store for
the present crop. Fifty years hence we
shall all be dead trust and then this
FLAG. if it still survive and let us hope
it may-will be floating over a republic
numbering 200, 100000 souls, according
I'D the settled laws of our increase; our
present Schooner of State will have
grown into political leviathan-a
Great EaStern-and the Graded babies
Of to-day will be on deck Let them be
well trained, for we are going to leave a
big contract on their hands. APP
plause.l Among the 100000 or
/, 100000 cradles now rocking in the
land are some which this nation would
preserve for ages as sacred things if we
could know which ones they are. In
one of these cradles the unconscious
Farragut of the future is at this moment
teething-think of it!-and putting in a
world of dead-earneSt, unarticulated,
bu, perfectly justifable profanity over
il, to Iltughterl; in another, the fu
.urr .a.owned astronomer is blinking at
tn, 5 king milky way, with but a Ian
guild interest, poor little chap, and
wOnd ny what has become of that
Othe re they call the wet-nurse /
1al.he-l; in another. the future great
uiStor,.t., j. lyinC-and doubtless he will
.e to "lie" till his earthly mis-