Montgomery County sentinel. [volume] (Rockville, Md.) 1855-1974, 1879-12-12
Mark Twain on Babies.

Mark Twain to the toast of "rhe Babies"
1t was greeted on all sides with laughter, and
caused considerable merriment He said
Babies as they comfort us in our SORROW,
let Us not forget them in our festivities
Laughter We haven't nll had the good
fortune to be ladies Laughter Wehayen't
all been generals or poets or statesmen, but
when toasts work down to babies, we stand
on common ground for we have all been
babies. Laughter and applause. 1t is a
shame that for thousands of years the worlds
banqucs have utterly ignored the baby, as
if he didn't amount 10 anything.
''If you gentlemen Will stop and think
minute, if you will go back fifty or one hun
dred years to your early married life laugh
ter and contemplate your first baby, you
will remember that he amounted to good
deal and even something over. You soldiers
all know when that little follow arrived st
family headquarters you had to hand in your
resignation. LaughterI lie took entire COM
mand, you bccamch his lacEey, his mere body
servant, and you had to stand around, too.
He was not II commander who made allow
ances for time, distance, weather or anything
else. You had to execute his order whether
it was possible or no aughterI, and there
was only one form Of marching in his manual
of tactics, and that was double-quicl He
treated you with every sort ofinsoIonce and
disrcspect and the hrayest of you didn't
dare To say Il word.
"You could face death at the storming OF
Donclson and Vicksburg, and give back
blow Tor blow Applause But when he
clawed your whiskers and pulled your hair
and twisted your nose you had to take it.
Laughter. When the thunders OF war were
sounding in your ears you set your face 10
ward batteries and advanced with steady
tread, but when he turned on the terrors Of
his warhoops you advanced in the other lii
rection--I laugh'r mighty glad Of the chance
too When he called for soothing syrupdid
You venture TO throw outany remarks about
certain service being unbecomlng an officer
and a gentIemanl Laughter. No, you
got up and got it. II he ordered his pap
bottle did you talk back? No, you went 10
work and warmed it, You even descended
so far in your mental Office as to take Il sup
at that warm, insipid stuff yourself 10 see if
it was right-three parts water to one of
milk, touch Of sugar to modify colo, and
drop Of peppermint to kill the immortal
hiccougbs | can taste ii yet. Itoars Of
laughter
"And how many things you learned as
you went along Sentimental young folks
still take stock in that beautiful old saying
that when a baby smiles in his sleep it is
because angels are whispering TO him. Very
pretty, but too thin. Laughter Simply
wind on the stomach. My friends, If the
baby proposed 10 take walk at his usual
hour at half-past two in the morning didn't
you rise up prompt and remark, with mem
tai addition which wouldn't improve Sun
day school book much, that il was the very
thing you were about 10 propose yourself
Oh, yes you were tnder good discipline
and you went huttering up and down the
room in your undress uniform. You not
only prattled undignided baby talk, but you
tuned up your martial voice and tried To
sing Rock-a-by baby in the trce-top, for in.
stance
What u spectacle for the Army Of the
tennessee rpars Of laughter; and what
liilction for ncighbors, too for it isn't every
lody within mile that likes military music
II o'clock In the morning When you had
'ccn Keeping this sort Of thing mp two or
hrcc hours and your little velvet had in
mated that nothing suited him like exer.
'isc and noise, 'go ON, did you sayy lie
imply went on, I'LL you dropped into the
a't ditch Great laughter
"lhc idea that baby don't amount to
inylhingl Why, one bnby l. Just house
md front yard by itself II one baby cant
urni5ll more business thnn you and your
Fhoic interior department can attend 10.
le 10 most enterprising, irrepressiblc, brim-
III Of hwless activities. DO what you pleasc,
'on can't make him stay on his reservation.
Prolonged laughter Sufficient unto the
iay is one baby As long as you are in
our right mind don't you ever pray for
wins. ltoars Of laughter and bushes by
ienerai Shcridan.l Twins amount to per.
nanent insurrection Laughter
NIt tguu biVI fftn,, f.p a.. 49, 80.
ccognizc the Importance Of babies when
hlnk what is in store for the present crop.
'ilty years hence we shall all be dead.
rust, aud then this flag, If II still survives,
nd let rs hope ii may, will be floating over
Republic numbering 20OOO0,0OO Ac.
oming % the settled laws Of increase our
resent schooner Of State viii have grown
iioa political lcyiathan or Great Eastern.
nd the Graded babies Of to-day will be- ON
eek. Let them be well trained for we are
DING 70 leave big contract on their hands.
Applause
among the three or four million cradles
ow rocking in this land are some which
is nation would preserve lorages as sacred
lngs, If we could know which ones they
re-. In one Of these cradles an unconscious
'arragut Of the future Is at this moment
'ething; think Of il If in another n-
irc renowned astronomer h blinking at the
Inning milky Substance with but languid
liercst 10 the poor chap, aud wondering
'hat Is 70 become Of the other one they call
wci-nurse, IN another future great histori-
O b. lying and doubtless he will continueto
e till bis earthly mission Is ended laugh
sr IN another a future President Is busy.
ny himself with no pr1iounder problem of
.tate than that what in the mischief has be-.
ome Of his hairy So early and in mighty
ray 100 other cradles there are some GO.OO0
uium Office seekers getting ready 10 furnish
him the occasion % gnpp.c with that same
bid problem % second time And sin one
more cradle. somewhere under The flag the
future illustdous commandments Ut the
American armies i..o little burdencd with
biz approaching grandeur. and responsible.
tles as to he giving his whole strategic mind al
this moment 10 trying 10 find out some.
wac D.. l.f It. ..tt... a. s a.. loo. a. III -