Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1879-06-07
APOLOGIES.
Their Mere WantOmness I'm Society.
From the London anectator

IFrom the London 8pectator1
We have sometimes wished that In small Sc
SONS should be made aware OF the IMPRESSION
they prCduce on their neighbors to the same
extent Il at public men are, and have imagined
10 Ourselves some such officer on small scale,
as the speaker OF the House Of Commons, EN-
powered TO watch over social demeanor, and
impose On the offender against the laws OF
goca breeding the expiation Of an adequate
apology good deal that ruff1es and chills the
surface OF Intercourse would, If 1T were ac-
kLOWle0ged and regretted, be at an end
Sometlmes lt would be changed into an infiu-
ence 1or good. Many little Slip of manners,
many momentary lapse of cOnSideratenes5
and self control, would not only be wiped out
~ an alologyan would be often replaced by a
pleasing recOiiectfOn OF the frank and hearty
expression of regret which always draws peo-
pie neaI er: and such an expression would often
be readily forthcoming, If only there were any
perception OF Its necessity or any easy way OF
making it. OF course, there are offences In
which an apology makes very little difference
If man has abused confidence or made mis-
Chief, then though the apology ought to be
made, We cannot promise him that 1t Will REIN
state him In the good graces OF his friends.
the harm here Is In the thing dOne-the doer's
sand tiny social offences the proportion is tie
Otner way: To speak OF one which may seem
10 sman 70 mention, and yet which Is one OF
tie commonest sources Of minute social annoy
ance-how many tiny gnat sting would have
all Its irritation allayed, IL our friend could
realize that being kept waiting is disagreeable
and that ne, having caused us this unpleasant
little experience. ought to express and to feel
regret for 1t. Ii this were acted upon, not only
would these small offences be often readily for
gotten, but also they would be much schooner
repeated. There Is greater influence than We
are apt to imagine In any symbol Of intention
and an apology, If it were really adequate
would always impress On the mind of its author
that he must not make 1t over again.
Our most absolute prohibition should be made
against the form OF apology which Is much the
commOnest. There should, under our rule, be
a
gies for neglect of social attention. Nobody
should be allowed to give the statement that he
9r asSee Of e e1ms and see
this form OF attention Is a curious instance of
the prevalence OF egotism, even when people
most wish to consider their neighbors. How
answer Mr.. ToOtS well-knOwn comment: Its
OF no consequence, thank YOU" Very often
the apology Is the first intfmatiOn Of the neglect
Why are you to force your friend 70 find some
civil paraphrase for II was not aware that you
had not been TO see me?" What answer can be
given to these apologies combining truth and
politenesS, indeed, we are entirely ignorant.
There Is ditch On each side the way. You
may easily contract too much OF MIR. Toot'S
style, and be too eager to make your friend
quite easy as 10 any intermis5on OF his visits,
and this is the side on which we would counsel
Our readers to be most aSSidu0uSly On their
guard. But If In your desire to escape this
pleasure OF your friend society, you are
enhancing the sin for which he Is processing
penitence. We really are unable to recommend
q suitable formula for well bred person On
receiving this kind Of apology. All the answers
which naturally suggest themselves are a
rebuke to self-fmportance, or reproach. Surely
1t Is the most elementary rule OF p0liteneSS that
one should make no apology which 1t Is difficult
to answer.
OF course 1t does happen occasionally that one
person feels disappointed at want OF attention
from another. But it happens so much more
often that we overrate the importance of our
attentions, that on this account alone we would
recommend each Of our friends TO take 1t for
The crowd. 1t Is curiously difficult to take this
for granted. 1t Is more difficult, we believe,
any one really and practically to bring home to
ind11el ence, than that he is disliked This last,
indeed, Is not matter OF great difficulty. We
are all, at times, distasteful to ourselves We
can readily imagine, even en- before We are forced
others. But that We should actually not be
taken cogniZance OF, one way Or another, that It
should be all one whether we are there or not
there, this is state OF mind nobody has any
help In imagining from the most d1ltgent SELF
examination. He must, to understand 1t, make
that most difficult effort OF suppressng all sense
other. Nobody can really believe that he Is the
average man. He may think himself excep-
dOnally faulty, perhap5+We are speaking OF q
Of men-st1n he cannot realize that the chief
thing about him to other people Is that he Is
just specimen of humanity. IL Is strange, for
acquaintance. However. the difficulty of con-
ceiviDg this of oneself Is almost 1nsuperable.
Each OF US knows so much In himself that Is IN
like other people, that he cannot conceive how
these things are not present to the mind Of any
one who reflects upon them for moment. He
fOrgets that the most common place person of
his acquaintance might say the same. 1t our
own belief that commonplace person Is
merely relative term, like first cousin once re-
moved. At a certain distance people are CON-
mon-p1ace. and the distance varies. A cOnsid-
cradle force OF character impreSSeS Itself on the
attention long way of. But most people must
seem commonplace outside the range OF In
timacy, and the capacity for intimacy Is linn
tied.
These considerations indisputable az they
are, being so difficult to realize, we would bring
forward another, not more obvious, for that is
ton. Surprising you are one of the small num-
Der OF people who can say 81 am sorry have
not been able to come and see you," without
rousiDg to the bps OF your friend the suppressed
reply, Il really have not missed yOu still, it
must be remembered that neglect Is not one of
the offences that an apology wipes out. We are
not, OF course, taking into account the cases
where there Is any explanation to be offered.
We do not call the Information that our friend
has been laid up with sprained ankle an apol-
ogy. We are speaking of bOnafide APOLOGIZE
what is assumed to be the duties Of friendship;
and while We allow that great many failures
are more than compensated for BY being con-
fessed, we urge that neglect Is commonly en-
HANGED thereby. ~ am sorry you are so little
brilliant or interesting, that / can always lind
something better to do than TO come and see
YOU is statement you cannot make pleasing
by the clevereSt paraphraSe. Yet people are
always thinking this may be done by simply
SURPRISING the most obvious part OF their case,
They hope their friend viii jump at once from
the fact TO their sorrow for it, and will feel
gratifed by the association. But he can only
make the transit by the ordinary stepping
stones; the least logical OF human beings must
feel, with Polonius,-
"But this effect, defective, comes by cause"
and so finds himself contemplating his own STU
pidity or vulgarity, even his simple insignifi-
canoe. A pleasing object you have pointed out
to him in your anxiety 10 be civil, We are un-
able to suggest a good recipe for rendering
cd" Is the only scrap OF wisdom we have to
offer on the subject We have, indeed, heard
Of an apology made TO lady for omitted atten-
lions Oh the score that the apOlOgiZer had been
unaware OF Ler good position la society, which
apology so delighted her that she rather encour-
aged the acquaintance In consequence. But her
qualification was OF kind which probably the
most benevolent OF us are not eager to afford
our friends, and we cannot recall another In.
stance OF this kind OF excuse proving satisfac-
tory.
Another form OF apology with which we
would wage war Is any In which the apOlogizer
assures his friend he had no intention OF giving
ofTense. Has he ever such an Intention? The
excuse had some meaning In former days: it
was allowable TO tell man the speaker had no
Intention OF offending him when the offensa