The Portland daily press., 1879-07-09

I'll snatch rib out of him; I'll tear him to
pieces if ever he crosses my patch If ever l
meet him again-Come in!' he shouted, as
some one knocked. "Are you sure it is Mr..
Conkling?" he whispered to the servant.
"Then, he added grandly, "you may say TO
Mr. Conkling that was suddenly called out of
the city last evening to attend at the bedside of
q beloved, dying aunt and may not return for
several days. Thus" added the Senator, 'do
we ignore, with unspeakable contempt, the
very existence of these sons of the mudsills of
former day. and haughtily repel with true
Southern scorn, their insolent and presuming
advances. Huntington Hawkeye.
THE ELECTRIC LIGHT.
About 8 o'clock yesterday forenoon a man
whose form was full of wrinkles and twists and
kinks, crawled out of coal-shed on the wharf
and began yawning and rubbing his eyes like
one who had passed heavy night. A police
man lounged that way, gave him a looking
over, and asked:
'Sleep in there last night?'
''Yaas, kinder" was the reply.
"Looking for work?"
"N-n-o, not exactly"
you'll be run in if you hang around in this
way" remarked the officer.
The man put his hands on top of a snubbing
post laid his chin on his hands, and after a
long look at Canada he turned and said:
~ dunno exackly what I'm going to do. L
did live out here about eight miles, but I've
separated from the old woman. Yes. separated
last night
''What's the trouble?''
"Waal, she was my second, and was her
second, and we never got along any too sweet
We both of us think we know it all, and neith-
er feels like giving in. We came in to see the
circus"
'Ah! you did?''
"And that's where the separation took place
OH in Of cnprn1 bynnac of
You know they advertised an electric light
there?'
eyes"
"Waal, we'd never seen one. When we got
into the menagerie there stood the elephant
Then came the camelS. Then we came to q
darned old bear. Further on were the lions
and tigers and monkeys, but no electric light.
We walked three times around that old tent
without coming to his cage and 1 got mad.
Says to one of the chaps over the rope, 'Whar
in thunder is the cage with the electric light
int? We want to see him or hev our money
back The feller he grinned all over, and lots
of folks laughed right out, and my wife she
flew up and said I'd made a fool of myself.
'How?' says 1. why! the electric light isn't
an animal at all, says she, but it has some
thing. to do with the clown We had big
jaw right there. She caved my hat in and
broke her parasol, and then / separated"
"And you won tmake up?'
''Make up? Neveri She can take the cleo
trio light and bake and eat him, but I'm a
man that never crawls! I'm going down to
Toledo, L am, and by this time to-morrer I'll be
drunker'n horse"
"And you didn't see the electric light after
all?'
''No. don't believe they had any. Maybe
they thought they could work that air rhinoce-
ros off on the public by another name, but L
tumbled in a mint. I'm an old rhinos myself,
and my wife is another and when L think of
how 1 stood there and let her call me fool be-
fore all the people I'm mad nuff to walk clear
home and pizen her half of the yoke of oxen.
Detroit Free Press
A CANTATA IN TEXAS
We are prone to form bad opinion of the
morals of Texas by the reports that are con-
veyed to our ears through a venal press. One
would be led to think that every citizen csr-
ries from six to ten revolvers, to saw nothing of
few dirks and several torpedoes in his coat
tail pocket. Now, am pleased to correct this
false impression, having but recently returned
from that State, where attended cantata of
Queen Esther. Will you let me tell the gos-
sipers how the affair passed off? St. Killiad is
pleasant town near the Mexican line. 1t is
noted for its docility. No man is allowed to
carry more than six pistols at once there, and
the Magistrate recently fined dead niger for
carrying a shotgun concealed about his per-
deposit their pistols in the vestibule before the
school opens, and no minister is permitted to
keep more than two shot-guns in the pulpit
The cantata, the first ever gotten up at st.
Killiad, was sublime affair. Hobson Hall
was filled at an early hour During the open
ing chorus a strange noise was heard behind
the stage, and the manager said that Haman
had accidentally shot himself while practicing
with Mordecai; and Bill Biggs was substituted.
Bill Biggs forthwith made his appearance with
pants stuck in his boots, in the most nonchal-
ant manner, and began to call Mordec sec
ond hand clothing store, and other pet names
saw at once that Bill had the heart of the
audience, for cries of go in, Bill" go inp'
came from every part of the house. 1 really
think that Bill actually believed himself to be
Haman; but he was finally coaxed from the
stage by the muzzles of the shot-guns that were
poked at him from the wings, and Ahasuerus
came on.
Bully for 4haz!" yelled boy in the gal
lery.
The Assyrian King stopped suddenly and
looked up at the enthusiastic youth.
See here" he said, ''this is a religious play,
and decency must be observed. That boy for
going to have order if we've got to get it with
the pistol. I'm playing Ahasuerus Just now,
but after the show I'll be Sam Turner again,
and if any man wants to see me then he can
make his wants known"
The cantata proceeded but felt uneasy. |
thought that for an Assyrian, Ahasuerus
handled his revolver in very careless man.
ner, but somebody said it was natural. The
King had hardly got securely seated on the
throne when Haman rushed from one of the
l. A.
cans were in the house, and that che wouldn't
play until the Greasers were put out" A sa-
cred concert shouldn't be spoiled by the pres
ence of q couple of louzy Mexicans His re-
marks were greeted with tumultuous applause,
and sudden tussel near the door followed.
The next day the coroner held an inquest on
the bodies of Rive. .Golaid and ST. Jose Miguel,
two Mexicans who had displayed bad sense in
attending o sacred concert in st. Killiad. After
the tussel just referred to, the cantata pro-
ceeded
Mordecai wasn't the meek-looking fellow ]
had expected to see. He was six-foot chap
with piratical mustache, who remarked tC
Hannah in hearing of one-half the audience
that he was the ''man-eatin' alligator of Tex.
as" He certainly in appearance bore out his
remarks. He and Ahasuerus had several
spirited interviews, and once while Esther was
singing for the King, Mordecai's revolver was
accidentally discharged, killing the boy who
was overhead helping to manipulate the ma
chinery. As the hanging of Haman approached
l moved toward the door. From some side re-
marks Mhich heard Haman drop on his down
fall, L expected lively time. | knew that
Bill Biggs would not be seized without a des
perate resistance, so sloped 1t came just a:
I expected. The King and his bodyguard
made rush for Haman and the fun began
Bill got the drop everywhere. Bullets whistleC
through the auditorium, but not man moved
except one red-shirted fellow from Galveston
who jumped on the stage and knocked Ahas
uerus down.
The next morning heard all this summed
up as follows Haman shot in the mouth anC
cut in the groin; Mordecai killed dead; Ahas
uerus's nose broken, and shot in the thigh; two
Assyrian officers badly wounded; Queen Esther
badly bruised. The St. Killiad Weekly Buck
shot called it one of 1.-THE liveliest cantata.
ever witnessed in the State, and hoped it would
he repeated at some future day.-Bradfort
Era.
The citizens of Evansville, Ind, have voted
by majority of 1900, to have the city sub
4,,4 - of in, .