The Osceola times., 1879-05-31
NO FUN IN ENGLAND.
why Mnrk Twain Coulss't MAKE n Book
About England.

New 10rK W0tld. he WAS asked:
"Wby have you never written book
about England 2"
l have spent a great deal OF time in
England (yonr question is not a new one
to me) and made a world of notes, but
it was OF no use. ] couldn't get any fun
out Of England. 1t is too grave coun.
try. And its gravity soaks into the
stranger and makes him as serious as
everybody else. When l was there /
couldn't seem to think of anything but
deep problems Of government, taxes,
free trade, finance-and every night !
went to bed drunk with statistics.
could have written million books, but
my publisher would have hired the COM
mon hsngman to ibuln them. One is
bound to respect Englan1-she is One Of
the three great republics of the world
in some respects she is the most real
republic of the three, too, and in other
respects she isn't, but she is not a good
text for hilarious literature. No, there
wasn't anything to satirize-whst / mean
is, you couldn't satirize any given thing
in England in any but a half.hearted
way, because your conscience told you
to look nearer home and you would find
that very thing at your own door. A
man with humpbacked uncle mustn't
make fun of another mans cross eyed
aunt"
"The English love for the lord, for
instance / don't mean the Lord of the
prayer.book, but the lord of the peer.
age"
81 couldn't grid at the English love
for titles while our own love for titles
was still more open TO sarcasm. Take
our Hon for instance. Unless my
memory has gone wholly astray, no man
in America has any right to stick that
word before his name; to do it is shame
and very poor shame at that. At the
beginning of this century members OF
the two houses of congress we're referred
to simply as 'Mr.' So~and-so. But this
sham Hon has sine, crept in, and now
it is unlswfully conferred upon members
Of state Legislatures and even upon the
mayors and city councillors of the pal
tr.est back settlements. Follow the
thing little further. In England TEN.
porsry titles are dropped when their
time is up. The lord mayor of London
is addressed as my lord all through his
year OF Office, but the moment he is out
he becomes plain Mr. again. But with
us, once Hon. always Hon. once
governor always Governor | know
men who were members Of Legislatures,
or mayors of villages twenty years ago,
and they are always mentioned in the
papers as the Hon. to this day, / know
people who were lieutenant-governors
years ago and they are called governor
to this dsy-yet the highest title they
have ever had any right to, in Office or
out Of it, was plain Mr. You
see, yourself, it wouldn't quite
answer for me to poke fun at titlee
loving Englishmen-I should hear some'
body squeal behind me and find ! had
stepped on the tail Of some ex-official
monkey Of our own. couldn't satirize
the English civil service; it was excelo
lent and ours want; it was open to
everybody, rich or poor, conspicuous or
obscure, whereas ours was only open to
scrubs who would do political dirty work
for public enemies like Mr.. Conkling-
Hon. Mr., Conkling, to use the obse>
quious illegal phrase Of the day.
couldn't venture to be sarcastic about
the horrible corruption of English off,
cials, for how could ] but know that
something of the same kind, in minor
degree. might be discovered among our
own officials at any momentY l could
not poke fun at the court column
which daily sets forth the walking and
driving and dining achievements Of
kings and queens and dukes, while oul
own papers have still longer court col
umn of personals, wherein the move
ments Of half dozen permanent cele.
brities, a dozen evanescents aud two
dozen next to.nobodies are duly and
daily recorded. I couldn't satirize Eng
lish justice, for it was exactly like oul
own and every ether oountry's. That il
to say, there didn't appear to be any
particular rule 10 the matter of penal,
ties. In New York l have known ar
Irishman to be sentenced to months
confinement for nearly killing his wife,
and another man to be jailed for 9
dreary long term for stealing blanket
Now here is some English iustice-tbest
two paragraphs are from yesterday
London Standard:
HAELEY.
A arrange case Of c. uelty came helor
the stipendiary magistrate this morning
An elderly woman was charged with
assaulting her niece. The allegation
were that the child had been beatel
with undue severity until she was muci
bruised, and she was then washed in tur
pentine and salt, causing ereat agony
The defense was a denial, and that tn,
child WAS incorrigible. The bench, com
menting on the undue severity of tn