Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1879-11-17
"BABIES."
Mark Twain,s Opinion of Them.

"BAbIEOs
Mark Twain's Opinion OF Them.
At the reunion of the Army OF the
Tennessee, at Chicago, last Thursday
the fifteenth and last regular toast was
"The Babies. AS they comfort US IN
our sorrows, let us not forget them IN
our festivities" and TO this Samuel |.
Clemens responded. He said:
like that. We have not all had the
good FORTUNE to be ladies. We have not
all been Generals, or poets or statesmen,
but when the toast works down to the
babies we stand on common ground
Tlaughterl, for we have all been babies
Renewed laughter. 1t isa shame that
for thousand years, the worlds ban
ouets have utterly ignored the baby
laughter II you will stop and think
a minute-if you will go back fifty or
100 years to your early married life
Tlaughterl and recontemplate your first
baby-you will remember that he
amounted 10 a great deal, and even
something over. [Roars.l You soldiers
all know that when that little fellow ar
rived at family headquarters you had to
hand in your resignation. Laughter
He took entire command. You became
his lackey-his mere body servant
Tlaugbterl, and you had tostand around,
too. Renewed laughter.l He was not
a commander who made allowances for
time, distance, weather, or anything
else. [COnvulsive screams.l You had
10 execute his order whether it was pos
sible or not. [Roars.l And there was
only one form OF machinery in his man
nal of tactics, and that was the double
Quick. rShouts.l He treated you with
every sort OF insolence and disrespect
Ilaughterl, and the bravest OF
YOU DIDN'T DARE To SAY A WORD.
TGreat laughter You could face the
death storm of Donelson and Nicksburg,
and give back blow for blow, but when
he cIawed YOUR whiskers, and pulled
your hair, and twisted your nose, you
had to take it. Roars. When the
thunders of war were sounding IN your
ears YOU set your faces toward the bat
teries. and advanced with steady tread,
but. when he turned on the terrors oil
his war-whoop laughter, you adIyanc-
ed in the other direction, and mighty
clad ofthe chance, too. Renewed laugh
fer.1 When he called for soothing syrup,
did YOU venture to throw out any side
remarks about certain services unOe-
coming an officer and a gentleman!
CBoisterous laughter.l No. You got
up and got it. [Great laughter. When
ne ordered his pap bottle and it was not
warm. did you talk back? laughter
Not you. Renewed laughter. You
went to work and warmed 1t. Shouts.I
You even descended so far in your men
ial office as to take suck at that warm,
insipid stuff laughter, just to see II 1t
was right,-three parts water to one oil
milk Ttumultuous laughter "a touch OF
sugar To modify the collie laughter and
a drop of peppermint to kill those I'M
mortal hiccoughs. Roars.l
ICAN TASTE THAT STUFF.
Laughter. And how many things you
learned as you went along! Sentiment
tai Young folks still take stock in that
beautiful old saying that when the baby
smiles il is because the angels are whls-
pering to him. Very pretty, but too
thin,-simply wind on the stomach, my
friends. [Shouts.l If the baby pro-
posed 10 take walk at his usual hour,
3 o'clock I'm the morning llaughterL
didn't YOU rise up promptly remark,
with a mental addition which wouldn not
improve a Sunday-schOol book laugh
teri, that was the very thing you were
about 10 propose yourself? Great
roars.1 OH YOU were under good dis
cipline Tlaughterl and, as you went
faiterIng up and down the room in your
undress uniform laughterb you
not only prattled undignitied baby
talk, but even tuned up your mar
tial voices and tried to sing Rock
adv baby in the tree top" for instance.
TGreat laughter What spectacle Tor
an Army of the Tennessee. Laughter
And what an atiliction for the neighbors,
too. for it is not everybody within a
mile around that likes military music
at 8 in the morning, Laughter. And
when YOU had been keeping this sort OF
thing up two or three hours, and your
little velvet-head intimated that nothing
suited HIM like exercise and noise
laughter; 600 on. what did you do?
You simply went on until you dropped
in the last ditch. Laughter. The idea
that baby doesn't amount to anything!
WHY, one baby is Just house and a
front ward full by itself. Laughter
One baby can furnish more business
than YOU and your whole Interior De-
partment can attend to. Laughter
lie is enterprising, irrepresslble, brlm--
full of lawless activities. laughter
DO what you please,
YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM STAY on THE REsER-
WALTON.
TGreat shouts. Sufficient unto the day
is one baby. TLaughter.l As long as
you are in your right mind don't you
ever pray for twins. Laughter: Mr.
Clemens is the father OF a pair. Twins
amount TO permanent riot. Laugh
teri And there amt any real differ
ence between triplets and an insurrec-
ton. [Uproarious shouts.
Yes, il was high time tor a toast 10 the
masses TO recognize the importance of
the babies. [Laughter.l Think what
is i'm store for the present crop! Fifty
years from now we shall all be dead,
/ trust, [laughterl, and then this flag,
ifit still survives, land let us hope 1t
mav), will be floating over Re-
public numbering 200,0OO,OOO souls,
according to the settled laws OF
our increase. Our present schooner OF
state laughter will have grown into
political leviathan--a Great Eastern.
The graded babies of to-day will be on
deck. Let them be well trained, for we
are going 10 leave big contract on their
hands. Laughter Among the three
or four million cradles now rocking in
the land are some which this nation
would preserve for ages as sacred things,
il we could know which ones they are.
In one of these cradles the unconscious
Farragut of the future is at this very
moment teething laughter; think 1t,
and putting in word OF dead earnest,
inarticulated, but perfectly justltiable