The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1879-05-01
PASSING SMILES.

rise in debt, now that the bankrupt law
has expired.
WHAT have you to remark, madam,
about my singing?' Nothing, sir. 1t
is not remarkable"
The fool never thinks higher than
the top of his house, and penneth the
festive joke at the expense of the light
ming rod agent.
The fiddler of the same town never
plays we'll at their feasts, because he is
too full to distinguish the "Arkansas
Traveller from the dead March in
Saul"
WIFE," said a man looking for his
boot-jack, "I have places where keep
my things, and you ought to know it."
yes" said she, 'I ought to know where
you keep your late hours, but I DON'T"
MAMMA-"Now. Arthur, be a good
bow. and take your medicine, or mamma
will be very angry" Arthur (after
mature deliberation) )-"I would rather
mamma was very angry !"-Punch.
The immortality of the ages, says one,
is with some men standing topic OF
complaint. But if any one likes to be
moral, I can see nothing in the age to
prevent him.
"CLEM, what's yo' 'pinion OBJ de
iyster 2" "Well, 'Relyus, I calls de iyster
de mos knowin' OBJ yarbs; if ye put i'm
in yer mouf, he takes de hint, an makes
de res oh de wage without any
boostin'."
MEN who complain of the miseries of
this life are, for the most part. such as
are unwilling to practice self-dt nial or
submit to those rules of their animal
and moral economy upon which salu-
tary and uniform happiness is founded.
"IT is a sad moment in life," said
Cynic, "when you find that love,
glory, happiness, are not worth cigar"
1t is a sadder moment still" :" said his
friend. "when you find the cigar itself
is bad!"
AS an evidence of enterprise and
prosperity, we are glad to hear that
company is about being formed In thu
city, composed entirely of practical
men, with view of digging out cellars
and shipping them to Europe.-Phata-
delphia Bulletin.
AS every living thing that knows lam
guage is sensitive to praise, SO every
person endowed with the gift of speech
is expected to cultivate the art OF pleas
ant talking; and he is the best speaker
| who can make his hearers most content
with themselves.
ONE afternoon, while tight-rope
walker was going through his perform
ance, boy remarked, "Tom, don't you
wish you could do that9'' eyes, do"
sadly replied Tom; "but my folks make
me 90 to school, and are determined
that shan't never be anybody"
A PRETTY girl "out West told her
beau that she was mind reader. You
don't say sol" he exclaimed. Can
you read what's in my mind?" " Yes"
said she; :" you have it in your mind to
ask me to be your wife, but you're Just
a little scared at the idea" Their we'd
ding cards are out.
PASSING AWAY.
| Once in a while we see man
| Who rides the wild, uutaned velocipede;
Once in a while meet a man who strides
| Around the track to test his walking speed.
| Oncein q while meet the man
| Who wears the helmet hat we once al wore;
| And now and then we meet the man who quotes
burlington Haackeye.
A CORRESPONDENT at Portland, Ore
gon, furnishes this of the Heather
Chinee: John" had bought watch
at our jewelers., but, as it ran too slow,
he took it back, saying, watchee no
good" "What is the matter with it %
asked the ieweler "Oh," said John,
watchee too much by'm-by.'
No wonder the rattlesnake's bite is
deadly. Why, the poison is "a species
,, of flamentous protopiaslnic matter, con-
sisting of cellular aggregation dis
form, hi O
i copods." And yet in the face of this,
prohibitionists say you mustn't take
whisky for a preventive i CdtskiH Re
corder.
AN exchange recently alluding to a
politician called him well-known
rigger." This the intelligent compost
| tor transformed into " the wellknown
nigger," while the proof-reader, to tone
it down little, made it read "the we'll
known negro" and now that politician
with blood in his eye, is anxiousiy In
, quiring for the whereabouts OF the
editor.
!: A CERTAIN lawyer was compelled te
, apologize to the court. With stately
t dignity he rose in his place and SAID
"Your honor is right and | am wrong
as your honor generally is" There
was daz d look in the judges eyes
: and he hardly knew whether to fee
|, happy, or fine the lawyer for contemp
e of court.-Rochester Erpress.
THE most economical of glove cleaner
is undoubtedly benzine, when applied
Y as it was by young lady out West
After putting on one glove, saturatin!
it with the fluid, and rubbing it unit
r. had assumed it's pristine beauties, sh
S held the gloved hand over the ire t
o dry it. Result-She has to buy bu
# half pair of gloves nova great saS
e ing in time anu money.
q PHYSICIAN (who has Just examines
) an Irishman's lungs)-"There seems t
= be some trouble here-pneumonia, o
- something of that sort. Have you eve
le expectorated blood?" Irishman-" Oct
,, yes, sir!" Physician" How long age?
l. l. irishman-" About eight years" PLY
I. sician-" Did you feel sick ?" Irishma
~ -"Och, I did that!" Physician
10 "What was the matter?" 1rishman-
~ ~ "I had tooth pulled. .'-Harrdrd Ian
st poon.
% % AN old gentleman without tact, O
70 meeting some ladies when he had know
le as girls in his boyhood, cordially r
marked: "Bless me! How time tiles
VI VI Let me see. 1t is fifty-two years CON
q next April since we used to go to scho
40 together in the old red school house.
y was little chap, then, you remem6e
~ and you were fine young women" IL
a old gentleman could never understar
of e1f why his cordial greeting was received
as coldly.
he DISSYLLABLE TRAGEDY.
\ -
he A fat m whined When that