The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1879-06-19
Cap and Bells.

zap ct1lo DO1lS.
THE MOSQUITO.
Bux-z-z-z-zip! Buz-buz-z-z-zip!
Then we chase around the room
Bark our shins up in the gloom,
To build that insects tomb
With loaded pillow slip.
But how vain is endeavor;
More uncertain than the weather,
For we hit him 'hardly ever"
Forgive us),
And back he comes upon our blood to sip.
Wheeling Leader.
AS soon as strawberries get little cheaper,
the average church will endeavor to clear it
self of debt.
Boston Herald; The Duke de Peuthievre,
son of the Prince de Joinville, and lieutenant
in the French navy, has ''thrown up his COM
mission" He must have been very seasick.
Lowell Courier: ''The army at the polls
began political enthusiast to his neighbor
farmer ooh, cut that replied the other.
'The beans at the poles is the topic which in
terests me just now"
Burlington Hawkeye: Byron, my son."
said literary father to his athletic son, 'Byron
never played base ball. NO." said the boy
pulling on his orange-colored shirt, "and
George Washington never wrote poetry"
Here the morning hour expired and the bill
went over.
Harvard Crimson Scene: Union railroad
horse-car (party of sophomores coming home
from "little supper'). No. 1-"Don't make
so much noise, Fred, yon'll give yourself away
to those freshmen opposite" Fred (hic) ''I
don't care, freshie (hicl s goods any other
Funny Folks Adolphus-''W What is that
noise, darling" "Oh, it's only papa. Ever
since he read in the papers of actions for breach
of promise of marriage being abolished, he is
always going about cracking his horsewhip."
Adolphus = ooh! (pauses reflectively) Well
would tier be troubling you to-er-name
the day?'
Norristown Herald; A young subscriber in
the country says she has seen in the papers
that goats eat old fruit cans, wire clothes-lines
barrel slaves, hoop iron, defunct coal-scuttles
old boots, broken bottles and grindstones, and
she asks us if it is really true that these ami
mails Subsist on such diet? 1t is not true.
This bill of fare is slightly exaggerated. A
goat will not eat boots as long as there are any
old hoop skirts about the premises, and their
line of food must be drawn at broken bottles.
Probably if goat was buried eight days in a
coal mine, with no food save a lot of broken
bottles, he would dovour them before he would
undertake to eat through a solid vein of coal
seventy-hve feet thick, but it is extrmeely
doubtful.
Louisville Courier-Journal The terrible
commandments are at hand, and out of ev-
cry 1000 "esssays" which the sweet girl gradu-
ates of this country will read, Judging from our
observations in the past, we predict that unless
the subjects be changed, 81 of those essays will
be on "The Voyage Of Life" 1877 on "Woman's S
Mission; 50 on "Man the Architect of His
Own Fortune; 90 on "We Launch Our Bark
Where is the Shore; "a on True Heroism'
103 on "Night Brings Out the Stars; 81 on
Honor and Fame from No Condition Rise,
Act Well Thy PART" etc.; 20 on THE Philoso-
ply of the Unconditional S5 on "We Gather
Light to Scatter" and the remaining 269 on
miscellaneous subjects. With some changes
in themes, these figures will be equally appli-
cable to the orations of the boys.
Norristown Herald: Some tricks in ''Parlor
Magic" printed in juvenile publications are
very amusing, as well as very simple. 'Thc
Enchanted Pin" for instance. To perform
this trick you take common brass pin, such as
man sometimes uses to fasten his shirt collar
when rear button flies off To satisfy your
audience that the pin doesn't contain false
bottom, let them have it in their hands to in
spect This will convince them that there is
no deception about it. Now bend the pin in
two placeS-tirst, about one-third from the
head, and second, the same distance from the
point, so that the business end will project up
ward. Again show the pin to your audience
in order to satisfy them that it is the same pin,
only bent-bent on mischief Now, place the
pin on hard-bottomed chair, and when a late
visitor enters invite him to sit upon the chair.
The effect will be magical. If the ceiling is
not more than ten feet from the floor the prob
abilities are that the man will arise so sponta-
neously that his head will make dent in 1t.
This innocent little trick never fails to amuse
an audience, and if such amusements received
more encouragement in the domestic circle,
there would be fewer poems written asking
"Where is my boy, to-night?''