Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1879-11-17
Nv: I'm: SIN: 8 m: , =.
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Mark Twain 0sl Babies.

H1arA Twain Osl Babies.
at the banquet Of tho Army OF the Tenucs-
SEQ at Chicago, the usual tossts wara drank and
responded to. a feature was the humorous
response OF Mark Twain to the toast of Tho
Babies" 1t was erected on all sides with
laughter, and caused considerable nc7rimcnt.
lilo said:
"Babics as they comfort US 10 cur sorrow.
let Us not torgcs thom in our festivities. Laugh.
tcf. We haveo't all had tho good fortune to
be ladies. IL1ush.er.l We hsvou's all been
gcoeraIs or poets or statesmen, but when toasis
| work down to babies VIC staud on common
grouad tor ws haVc ell bccn there, for We have all
boon battles. Laughter ald applause. 1t is
shame that tor theu5snds OF years tho worlds
ba5qucts have utterly Ignored tha baby, as il
be didn't amount TO apyihiag. If you gcutle-
mcn Will stop and think a minute, if you will
| 80 back fifty Or ono hundred years to your car
| y married life llaughter,I ana contemplate
your GFss baby, you will rim.mbsr that he
amounted to good deal, and even something
| over. You sodlersal know when that little tcl,
low arrived at bniiy headquarters you had to
| hand 10 your resignation. Laughter. He
| took entiro command, you became bis
| lsckey, his nero body servant, and
| you had to stand 2rouad, i0o IL, was not u
| oommauder Rho made allowances f,r time,
distance, weather, or aoyth;ng else. You had
| to execute his order whether it Was possible OF
| not (Isughtcr) ard there WAS only ono -form Ct
marohiag 10 ais manual Of tsclics aud that
| vas double quick. !ia treated you with every
sor! oil rsoleaoG aud GisrcSacct. and tho travcsS
OF you didn't dare to say y Wor;. You c>uld
face death st :he sScrriaE Of nlneIscn and
Vlckshurg, and give back blow Tor blow ap.
nj H.. l,,k |, l. J
pulled your hair. aud twisted your Dose you
had to tskcif. Laughter. When the ,huniers
OF war were a9nnding in your cars you set your
tsco towarl, batteries aad advanced with
steady tread, but when be iuraci On t,rrors Of
| his Tsr whccp5 you advauc, I'd in the other di
. rcctlon laughter l-nghty glad Of tho chanoc
| tco. When ho called for soothing syrup. did
yau venture to throw ouo any remarks about
| certain service being unbccom!ag an officer and
| q gentleman? lLauehtar.i No, you got up aud
| got II. ii he ordered hiE pap bottle, did you
| talk back? No, yougeot 20 work and warmed
| il. You even descended So far 10 your menial
oitloo as to take sup at that warm, insiped
stutt yourself to see il il was right, ttrsu parts
| wator TO enc oe milk, touch Of sugar to
| modify c3lic, aud a drop of peppermint to
| kill the immortal hioooughs. can taste il ytt
! Roars Of laughter. Aod how many Thugs
you learned ~ you wcpt along. Sentimental
| young folks still take stock in that beautiful
| old saying that when baby snes in his sleep
1t ls btc.use angels ara whispering to him.
Very pretty, but too thia. laughter Simply
| wind on the stomach. My friends, il tho baby
proposed to iaka q walk at bis usua hour, ag
halt pssS t~o in the morning, diI1t gou riso
up prompt and remark, with mental addition
which wouldn't improve a.Sunday School book
| much, that it was tho very thng you were about
| to propose yourself. Oh yes, you werc uuder
| good discipline. and you went nuttcrin3 up and
| down the room in your undress uutrrm. You
| not only prattlcd undigniGed baby talk, but
You tuoed up your martial voice and tried to
! sing Rtct by baby 10 tho tree top, for iu-
! stsuoc. What spectacle tcr the Amy of
F! the Tennessee troas of lsughtcr;) aud what
athctiou for neighbors, too; for it iant cvety-
| hody within mile tlat likes military music at
| tbrco o'clock 10 tho morning. When you had
been keeping this SORT Of thing up two or three
hours, aud your little velvet bad i1timated
that nothing suited him like exercise and noise,
| Go on did you say? Ho simply went on
till you dropped in the last ditch. Great
laughter. The idea that baby don't amount
to anything. Why, one baby is Just
baby cau furoish moro business than
can attend to. He is most enterprisiog, irre-
rrsssible, btm!ul Of swlcs activities. DewSa.
you please, you can't make him stay on bis
reservation. Prolonged laughter. Sufficient
unto Tho dey is onc baby. AS long as you sre
10 your right mind don't you ever pray ior
twlos. ltoer5 OF laughter and bushes by Gen.
Sh:rld Twins amount to permanent lnr
surrtcioD. Laughter 1t was high time for
the toastmasttr 10 rccogDizI the importance OF
babies WHOM | think what is in s:cro for tho
present crop. Fsfts years hence We shall ell
| be dead, ] trust aud then this Tag, if it still
surYivos-snd let US hope it may-Til! be ti,s;-
ing over republic numbering two huodrad
milIions According to the s.ttled laws Of In
c.esse our present schooner Of State will haya
l grown ioto political loviathan or Great Est
eru. and the crsdlcd babies OF to day will be on
deck. L:s them be well trained, for VIC are
going 10 leave big contract on their hands.
IApplauss.) Among the throe CT four million
cradles now rocki5g 10 this lard are some
which this na,ion would preserve for ages
as s:cred things, il VIC could kuow which
, ones they arc. Ia one of these cradles an un-
= conscious Farragut of the future is at thia mo
!, rlent taethiup; think of it. Ia another future
renowned astronomer is blinking ct the shining
milky substance with but laneuid interest II
the poor little chap, and wondering what is Il
become of the other one they call wet.nurse
Ia another future great historian is lying, and
doubtless he will continue to lie till his earthly
mission is ended. Laughter. 10 another, ;
. future President is busyipg himself with NJ
protou1dor problem Of State than that what il
,, the mischief has become OF his hair. So early
aud 10 mighty array in other cradles thers ar
some GO,G00 future ofice-seekers getting read
to furnish him the occasion to grspple With tha
a. same old problem a second time. And Bill
d one mora cradle; somewhere under the flag th
y future iliusrious commander 10 chief of th
American armiea 80 little burdoned with hi
Ie approaching eraudeurs and responsibilities q
"a to be giving his whole strategic mind at th
W moment to trying to fnd opt some way to g
z his own big toe into his mouth
Mr.. Clemens continued at length, bringiu
- down the large audience With roars Of laughte