South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1879-07-11
WIT AND IIU NOR.

A gentleman was threatening TO beat
dog which barked intolerably. "Why,"
exclaimed an Irishman, would you beat
the poor dumb animal for spakim' out z"
"You told me, sir, that the horse was
entirely without fault, and yot he is
blind" The dealer looked blandly into
the irritated countcnance of the loser by
the transaction, and said, with charming
NAIvETE, 81 do not regard blindness as
fault, sir it lie a misfortune"
Otis has just come to light He was at
one of the fsh-markets on the wharfs
clad i'll his customary overalls and, as
ever, unassuming in his department,
when the captain Of sinking vessel
rushed ashore, and Selling Mr.. Otis by
the shoulder, shouted: "Say, old man,
quick. Do you want jobf" Mr.. Otis
looked at him little surprised, and
turned away, whereupon tho persistent
captain followed him up and again de.
manded: "Say you, don't you want
job to pump out my vessel - but Mr..
Otis remained unreplying, at which the
exasperated captain exclaimed "Well,
old chap, if you are too lazy to work you
Will die In the poor-house" This quiet
man in the overalls was then the owner
of more than three millions of dollars.
NIGHTMARE.-Prof. Hartley gave us
Mark Twain's literary nightmare which
was not more amusing than q night
mare in which one of our citizens indul- |
ged few nights ago. He had been out
raking In very rough field, and about
twelve O'Clock at night, he was again, in
vision, engaged in the same occupa-
ton. He sleeps on bed that has rollers.
His wife was suddenly startled by finding
the bed pulled from one side of the room
to the other, while her husband was cry
ing out, DOG on the rake. This ground
is ALFRED rough, whoa, Bally," and
then another series of pushes and Jerks
and rough talk to Bally. 1t was some
time before he could be convinced that
he had hold of bedstead instead of
hayrake. Finally, he became quiet and
surrendered himself to that sweet repose
which none enjoy more than the hard
working farmer.
An absent minded man in Monroe.
Conn, went to church on recent Sun.
day morning with his spring overcoat, as
he supposed, on his arm but the mirth-
fulness of the people in church directed
his attention to the fact that he had ia
Ken his everyday pantaloons, and that
the suspenders attached to them were
dangling about his legs. Ho returned
home without waiting TO hear the sermon.
Have you enjoyed our strawberry
festival, boys 2" "Oh, yes, sir !" "Then,"
asked the teacher, seeking to append
moral. eff you had slipped into my gar
den and picked those strawberries with.
out my leave, would they have tasted as
good as now T" Every little boy in that
stained and sticky company shrieked
out, "No, sir - "Why not? z" Cause
said little Thomas, with the cheerful
ness of conscious virtue, "thcn we
shouldn't have had sugar and cream
with EN-"
"My dear" said vain old man to
his wife, these friends here won't be-
leve I'm forty-five years old. You know |
speak the truth, don't your" Well" |
answered his simple wife, 81 suppose |
must believe it, John, since you've stuck |
to it for fifteen years" Unidentified Tx. |
Lady Ito rheumatic old womln) Il
am sorry you should suffer so ; you
should try galvanism." Old woman
Thank you kindly, mum be to swallcr
it or rub it in 2"
eyes, Agnes. I'm going to have a
cream -colored summer silk, provided pa |
doesn't veto the appropriation ma has
passed"
Lady TO waiter) Don't put that ice
into the goblet with your fingers"
Waiter: "Lor, ma'am, | don't mind
my hands are very warm"
There's a good deal Of human nature
about strawberries. The big fellows
naturally tramplo on the little ones, and
as a consequence, arc always seen at the
top of the box.
Children have their own way Of solv-