The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1879-03-01
VARIETY.

Truth Is stranger than fiction. A man may
know that he is liar, and yet he'll feel decided
Iy strange when he is called one.
They are talking Of abolishing funerals in
Ohio. Not that people will cease to die, but the
funeral is expensive, and the medical colleges get
the bodies anyhow.
Good-day, Nose. How you vas shanged.
youldn't never hafe knowe'd you - ''B But my
name is not Nose, SIR. ~ 50 KTeat hefens your
name shanged too"
In 1894 there was to be q new church at Nor
ridgeIock, Maine, and it was 9 voted to buy one
barrel or good West India rum to be used at the
raising
The average women is composed of two hun
dred and forty-three bones /; one hundred and six
ty-nine muscles, twenty-five old newspapers, and
two hundred and ten hairpins.
England boasts Of q woman who Is in her l4Sth
year Her wonderful longevity is owing to the
fact that she never growled at her husband. Inc
wise married man will paste this item on the
looking glass
So I'm a rutabaga and here's where plant
nyself" said q tramp, as he entered a farm
house near Freeport, ILL.,, and seated himself at
the table. I" We alters bile ours" said the
farmers wife, and sonsed him with dishpanful
of boiling water.
Paris Chdrirari. Small gentleman appears in
q huge hat which engulfs him to his shoulders.
His wife But that doseH't fit you, my love-"
He That's what told the man, but he show
ed me his medal, the only one awarded for hats,
and what could dop
Claiming said We smile at the ignorance Of
the savage who cuts down the tree in order to
reach It's fruit but the fact that blunder Of
this description is made by every person who is
eager and impatient in the pursuit of pleasure.
When we are in our teens, or just out of them,
we say, d" What nonsense" when we read Of ''a
young man Of as" But, as soon as We get past
80, and meet the same phrase, it strikes US as
perfectly proper. Human nature is rum Gus
TONER
Two Irishmen were talking about an accident,
when the following colloquy ensued: Z" Shure,
how is the man that was hurt?' " He's no
betther" - Is he conscious ?'' '' Yis, he's con-
sciOus. bat devil a thing does he know
What Is your name % asked Sunday
school teacher Of boy. - My names julie"
was the reply vhereupon the teacher impres-
siYeIy said: - You should have said Julius, sir.
And now my lad" turning to another boy,
what is your name?T- - Bilious, sir
In the sweet, balmy, delicious happiness of
loves first young dream, youth will not only
insist in cracking Walnuts for his girl, but 10
picking out the goodies Is well. Two years
ef.sr marriage he will not even let her have the
nut-craeksr until he IS through Girls, get mar
ried-
mother was explaining the origin of things
God made the earth, the child asked: "a Who
made God ?" The mother hesitating for n mo-
ment for an answer, the child said, =" suppose
lie just blistered right OUT
An old eoIored preacher in Atlanta, Ga, was
Ieeturng youth Of his fold about the sin of dan
cling, when the latter protested that the Bible
plainly said, There's a time TO dance. Yes
dar am q time to dance said the dark divine,
and its when boy gets whippin for gwine
TO ball
During a dense fog a Mississippi steamboat
took landing. \ traveller, anxious to 60 ahead,
came to the unPerturbed manager at the wheel
and asked why they stopped. . Too much fog
can't see the river '' But you can see the stars
overhead Yes replied the urbane pilot, 'but
until the boiler bursts We aint going that way
The passenger went to bed.
Burlington Halrkeye: And now the Chinese
claim thar the telephone is nearly 1000 years DID,
having been in use about that time in their
country. Oh, pagans with the almond eyes,
here is something that is older than the telephone
Lying 1t Is older than the great Chinese wall
Ii is older than the city of Pekin. 1t is as old
as the fret Chinese historian. And about as re-
liable.
An Irishman, in describing America, said 81
am told that you moight roll England through it,
an il wouhn't make dint in the ground !;
there's fresh water oceans inside that ye moight
dround Old Ireland in ; an as for Scotland, ye
moIght stick IL in a corner an ye'd niver be able
to find it out, except it might be by the smell Of
Whiskey
IL is said that nearly all Of the Southern cities
will default on their January interest. Old Ben
Wade-s advice to the south was brIefand wicked,
bat it was good. Said he, a. The south will new
er prosper until il raises more corn and cotton,
and less HE'LL Corn and cotton will pay inter
est on bonds. but nobody seems able to convert
che other into cash except Bob IngersOll.