The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-11-29
THE TRUE ELIXIR WIFE.


whose voluminous treatise entitled
"Makrobiotik and Eubanik, two scientific
methods for the prolongation and EN-
Enlistment of human life" has recently
been subjected to somewhat severe criti-
cism in the German press, One OF the
four great natural secrets that have
batlled investigation for at least q score
of centuries, has at length been discov-
cred by a gentleman whose university
diplomas demonstrate him to be equally
at home in philosophy and medicine,
and who, moreover, is full-blown Pro
fessor of Pathology The transmuta-
ton of metals, quadrature of the circle
and perpetual motion still remain UNI
solved mysteries, probably because DIR.
Schmoele has not yet turned his atten-
ton to them, but the Elixir of Life
stands revealed to us by his patient and
laborious researches into the arcana of
nature. This precious liquor, gifted
with the inestimable faculty of pro-
tracing existence for an inefnite term
the panacea for the greatest of those ills
that flesh is heir to, DEATH is no cum
ming distillation of weird and costly
drugs, no essence of the dreadful broth
brewed by witches from such grisly
stock as juice of toad and oil Of
adder. 1t is a fluid with which all are
familiar, chiefly in convivial association
with hot water, sugar and a more or less
copious, modicum of alcohol. Blended
with these materials, humanity has
hitherto gratefully acknowledged its
genial and exhilarating qualities, little
dreaming that intinitesimal doses of inn
mortality were floating perdus among
the aromatic contents of the punch
bowl. 1t was reserved to DIR. Schmoele
to gladden. the world with the disclosure
that lemon-juice is the eiirir vitp To
rival the patriarchs in number of years.
TO blunt the edge of deaths sickle in
such sort that it shall not avail to sever
the slenderest of hie-threads all that
the aspirant to immoderate longevity
has to do is to absorb sufficient guam
tity Of lemon-juice daily; or, better
still, to eat fixed number of lemons,
having relation to his or her age or sex,
every morning and evening DR.. Schmo-
ele's work contains the most elaborate
and exhaustive rules for the practice Of
the lemon-treatmen which may be COM
menced with equal certainty of Interior
success at any time of life. The Pro-
fessor also adduces several instances of
the efficacy with which the consumption
of lemons stimulates aged persons to
evade the assaults of the phantom on the
pale horse. He is as yet unable to men
ton any case in which the inhibition Of
lemon-juice has enabled an authentic
human being to live forever; but he con-
fidently hopes, in future ages far remote,
to supply posterity with an Illustration
in his own person, of his theory that
" He who will only eat lemons enough
need never die" Failing living ex-
ample of indisputable immortality, such
as would carry conviction to the soul Of
the most hardened skeptic, DR.. Schmoele
directs our attention to the celebrated
painter, Count Waldeck, who died in
Paris a short time ago, at the somewhat
advanced age of 120 years. The Pro-
fessor seems to fancy that this tough
artist proves the correctness of the above
quoted theory, because Count Waldeck
devouring huge Quantities of horserad-
ish soaked in lemon-juice. q" 1t was not
the horseradish," says Dr.. Schmoele,
but the lemon-juice, that prolonged
his life for so many years. Butwe have
only the Professors word for the truth
of this postulate. 1t may be that the
vehement pungency of the horseradsh
kept Count Waldeck's vital spark aglow
for such an inordinate length of time,
and that the secret of immortality turks
within that fiery root. Besides, the
Count died after all, so that lemon-juice,
or horseradish, or both combined, only
enabled him to stay off the evil day for
period of time, which, considered in
relation to eternity, can not but be ac-
counted as brief and unimportant.
"Makrobiotick and Eubanik," which
work, we should mention, has been pub
lished by the printing-office of Bonn
University, whereby it is invested with
a somewhat authoritative character,
teaches us what we are to do, in the way
of swallowing lemon-juice, in order to
attain an age to which that of Methuse-
lab was, so to speak, mere imma ture adde's.
cence. To ladies over forty and under
ifty and sixty, commencing the citronian
SYSTEM he prescribes two lemons pc,
diem, while gentlemen between thoD
ares must assimilate "at least three
lemons daily. Between fifty and sixty
the dose for ladies is set down at three
for gentlemen at four, lemons a day
One lemon more per diem is ordained tc
each sex for every additional decade, sc
that centenarians must consume, if wo
men, their eight lemons daily--if men
no fewer than nine. Upon attaining
| his hundred and twentieth year, there
fore, like Count Waldeck, the gentleman
who should at that period experience the
desire further to prolong his existence
| would find himself face to face with the
| terrible prospect of having to lswallow
| 4,015 lemons per annum for ten success
| i've years, if he wished to live SO long,
Perhaps decade Of life would be helc
dear by the majority of centenarians, j
it had to be purchased by the degluti
ton of 10000 lemons. The mere notion
of so sour diet is enough to suggest tt
those of a sweet tooth "surcease O.
sorrow" by the friendly aid Of the dag
| ger or the bowl. 1t is scarcely possible
to even think of eating forty Thousand
lemons without shudder and convul
sive contortion of the facial muscles
What would life be worth, even to thu
"heir of all the ages" if saddled to tn,
chronic stomach-ache that, one would
think, must accrue to the wight con
demned to imbibe the juice of dozeI
lemons daily? The "dura aia nesso,sm
themselves could not cope with the pei
turbation that such dose of natura
acid would setup within their precincts
DR.. Schmoele's nostrum is, however, sue
as has been stated, and immortality, az