The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1879-11-20
WAITS AND KHIMS.
A BARBER generally dyes by over

work. t.tt
MARY had little lamb. It was
roasted and she wanted more.
EVEN criminals like paraglaphs-that
is to say, they prefer short sentence.
IT is rule of the penitentiary to cut.
the locks off before turning the locks on
prisoner.
THE boy who is well-spanked fully
realizes the deep meaning of sterns
juitice. E..
"BE careful how you punctuate the
stove," is the latest. 1t means not to
put too much colon.
IT's not only hard work to pop the
question, but it is equally hard to ques-
ton the pop about it afterwards.
A LAME farmer was asked if he had a
corn on his toe. "No," he said, "but
I've got lots on the ear"
CERvANTEs has said, Every one is
son of his own works." This makes the
great Krupp son of a gun.
A MAN may have Boston look in his
eye simply by letting his imagination
dwell on the things that have bean.
PARIS has 1000 tobacco shops, ten
times that number of drinking booths,
and few churches
JUST as soon as ladies' belts are made
to look like surcingles horses will de-
mand a change of fashion for them
selves.
DON'T Judge a man by his clothes.
Can YOU tell what the circus is going to
be like by looking at the Italian sunset
pictures on the fenceg'
JOB has been marked down in history
as the patient man. The fact is that at
one time he was just boiling over with
impatience to die.
IF the. surrounding circumstances are
congenial, it is fair to conclude that the
position preferred by lovers is juxtaposi-
tion which suits them.
A PRoJEcTILE weighing 1,700 pounds,
shot from cannon charged with 40
pounds of powder, is the latest. Why
not use the earth for cannon ball?
AN Irishman should patronize the
concrete pavement, because every time
they look upon it they will see their
country's emblem-sham-rock.
KANSAS school-teacher: 'tWhere does
our grain 60 tor Into the hopper"
"What hopper?'' "Grassaaopper," tri-
umphantly shouted a scholar"
FULL many mower was Dorm
And many man takes his corn
Behind the screen.
"I AM glad that painted belts are in
STYLE" said frisky fellow, as he artis-
tically decorated the one he received
over the eye the previous day.
A CORRESPONDENT wants to know
what is an affinity. An affinity, my
dear sir, is something that exists be-
tween a small boy and his neighbor's
grape vine.
A MANS clothes are not always indi-
cative of his character; for fellow may
wear the loudest kind of garments and
yet be as mild and quiet as an autumn
sunset.
FASHION understands that lady is
in a full dress when the trail of her
garments cover her form, the spittoon
and Tar e. s1S,.:ares q DI,iSSels carpet at
the same time.
A RATHER gaily dressed young lady
asked her Sunday-school class what was
'tmeant by the pomp and vanity of the
world.' The answer was honest but
rather unexpected: "Them flowers on
your hat" 4
HE stole along the edge of the patch
Till an object his keen eyes fell on;
He snatched itiup and waltzed away
Twas SOU ash'instead Of melon.
Joaquin Miller
How came you to be lostw asked a
sympathetic gentleman of little boy he
found crying in the street for his mother
"I amt lost" Indignantly exclaimed the
little three-year-old; "but m-m-m-y
YOUNG man, don't waste your ener-
gies in attempting to wear too delicate
shade of clothes; the girls don't care for
them. Their own finery occupies their
attention.
THE other day, an old topper, recover
ing from prolonged spree, sat reading
the morning paper. Soon he looked up
and exclaimed. "Why, bless my soul,
the rebels have been firing on Fort
Sumterw- Cincinnati Saturday Night.
JOHNNIE, what is noun?'' ':Name
of person, place or thing" every
good; give an example" "Hand-organ
grinder" "And why is hand-organ
son plays thing"
HE is fruiter's factotum; and when
he writes letters for his employer, and
signs them "John Smith, per Simmons
he instinctively Fuckers up his lips, 1t
is seasonably suggestive, and he can't
help it.
A STORY in an exchange is entitled
"1n Two Halves" Will the author
kindly inform suffering public, blindly
| cropping about in the misty avenues of
! ignorance, in how many more halves it
would have been possible to have had
AN exchange says: "Two unknown
tramps went to sleep in furnace near
Youngstown, O., on Saturday night, and
were fatally suffocated by the gas" To
be suffocated is bad enough, but to be
fatally sufiocated must be perfectly
| awful.
HE was sitting by the fire,
With Marier;
And toward her every moment he
Drew higher,
Till her chair did interpose,
When he bit her on the nose
They'll be married if coal doesn't
Go up higher.
A LITTLE Chicago girl who lived on
the west side, between two avenues
which approached cemetery, was told
by her mother that the passing funerals
were of those who were going to God"
Some time after, the little one remarked.
with a perplexed air, not realizing that
all roads lead to Rome, "When go to
God, mamma, don't know whether l
shall 60 by Lake or Madison-street."
"LoNG Metre" inquiries How do