Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1879-07-25
ELM GROVE RAILROAD.
THE LIME KILN CLUB.
Honorary Degrees Conferred
Upon Brother Gardner and Sir
Isaac WalpOle.


Isaac WalpOle.
From the Detroit Free Press.
The very first letter opened by the
Secretary as he turned TO his desk caus-
ed a grand tlutter OF excitement IN the
hall. Il contained a communication
from the President OF q well known col
lege comforting upon Brother Gardner
the title of Ii. d., and upon Sir Isaac
WalpOle that of A. b.
'Fo' lie Lawd, but jiss lissen to dat! -
yelled Trustee Pullback, rs he rose and
swung his hat.
There was grand yell from every
member present, and during the excite
ment Samuel Shin managed to get in
his work on the stovepipe, knocking 1t
down for the fifth time this summer.
When the excitement somewhat suOsld-
el the President arose and said:
"Gem'len, am token by surprise,
Had a pocketbook wild fifty dollars in 1t
dropped frew de roof, de cold chills
couldn't creep up my back any faster.
But surprised or prepaid, deere am but
one course to take. l shell decline de
title"
A groan of anguish resounded through
the hall.
"Gem'len, you forgit dat titles am
only worn on the sleeve" continued
the President. Eve hey seen judges
put of de bench for corrupshun. We
know aldermen who kin be bought fur
money. Doctors Of divinity hev stolen
horses, and bachelors of art hev robbed
smokehouSes. has tried hard To win
de title Of an honest, hard-workin' man,
who kin behave like a gemlen at all
times an in all places, an dat's title
'nuF fur me. am pleased at de com
pliment an ! am pleased to see de club
take il a. an honor, but | must firmly
decline To lengthen out my name
"Gem'len an brudders." began Sir
Isaac, as he rose up, 81 am an ole man.
lie gittin' so tremblin' an feeble dat |
kin hardly walk about, an | know dat
de time am not fur ahead when dey
shall h'ar my knock at Heavens gate.
| hev tried TO DO right by all, an dat
ieelin' am WORT iOusand times more
10 me dan all dc titles all de colleges in
the land kin kiver me up wild. Tell EN-
dey hey my thanks, but dey kin tie de
title 10 somebody who needs 1t atore he
kin git trusted at de grocery"
4 letter signed Jonas Parker, dated at
Scottsvillc, o., and making inquiries
concerning the present buCkwheat crop,
called forth the following report from
the Committee on Agriculture.
"Dis committee yesterday visited 10
hardwar' stores an butcher shop to
Ak bout dis very buckwheat crap, an
lie reports i'm each case war to de eiteck
dat de crap am on de hum. All de
prospects, pint to buckwheat cakes fur
breakfast till lie cook am tired in de ell
bows
A Chicago Statistician, OF curious turn
Of mind, made inquiry by letter as to
the exact length of the shortest pair OF
feet i'm the club. AS the Secretary read
the letter, siNty-(Our pair of feet were
suddenly drawn under chairs and bench
-. The sixty-litth pair, belonging to
Elder TOOtS, were too large to be hauled
away all at once, and they therefore
stood out like Jay Cookies kitchen cX-
pgnSes. =.
DAT am leadin' queShun," replied
Brother Gardner, as ne looked around
the hall. 1T am my private Oplnyun
dat lie length OF mans feet do not pro-
pcrlv come under the head OF public
stavtiSticks, and de Seckretaty needn't
bodder hiSSeli 10 answer de letter.
Among the home Industries built up
by de organization oh dis club am dc
rapid sale of No. Ia butes and brOgans,
but iurder dan dis hev no particku-
lars
Last week the Committee on the Jul
dietary and Buckwheat Interest were
asked To report in one week on the con-
undrum ni the Attorney General OF
Iowa: "What do YOU consider the first
duty Of man who finds a sack OF flour
in the road on dark night, with no
one around anywhar' to see him shout
der it2'
The committee, through its Chairman,
the Hon. Benign Crab.ree, submitted
the following answer
"Dc undersigned got togedder an
took i'm the qucStun, an dar war only
ten minutes i'm arrivin' at deluShun.
Dat dr!uShun am 10 de elfeCk dat sich
streak of good luck doan' happen once
i'm ten thousand vars, but when she
does happen il am dc duty OF de finder
20 take de flour home an eat it up to
keep il from being struck by light
ming
Trustee Pullback and Deacon sun
shade hoped the report would be adopt
eel. Ii was their firm conviction that
the find should be advertised in all the
morning papers and held thirty DAYS
for claimant. III none appeared in
that time the property should be turned
over to an orphan asylum. The club,
however, adopted the report by large
majority, and when the vote was an
nounced Samuel Sims feet made 81
much hurrah that the bear-trap felI
from its nook and cut a bad cash in the
scalp OF Lord CORVALLIS Jones, who was
dreaming OF flirting with an octoroor
on the ierrybOat.