The Milan exchange. (Milan, Gibson County, Tenn.) 1874-1978, 1879-06-05
NO FUN IN ENGLAND.
why Mark Twain Cou1dn't Make q Book
Abouf England. ia

Abouf England. r. !
Mark Twain was interviewed the other
day in Paris by correspondent OF the
New York World. He was asked:
"Why have you never written book
about England %
"I have spent great deal of time in
England (your question is not new one
to mel and made world of notes, but
it was of no use. couldn't get any fun
out of England. 1t is too grave a coun-
try. And its gravity soaks into the
stranger and makes him as serious as
everybody else. When was there I
couldn't seem to think of anything but
deep problems of government, taxes,
free trade, finance-and every night l
went to bed drunk with statistics. |
could have written million books, but
my publisher would have hired the CONF
mon hangman to bum them. One is
bound to respect England-she is one
the three great republics of the world
in some respects she is the most real
republic of the three, too, and in other
respects she isn't, but she is not good
text for hilarious literature. No, there
wasn't thing to satirize-what mean
is, you couldn't satirize any given thing
in England in any but hslf-hearted
way, because your conscience told you
to look nearer home and you would find
that very thing at your own door. A
man with humpbacked uncle mustn't
make fun of another mans cross eyed
aunt"
"The English love for the lord, for
instance2 1 don't mesn the Lord of the
prayer.book, but the lord of the peer
age"
81 couldn't grid at the English love
for titles while our own love for titles
was still more open TO sarcasm. Take
our Hon fer instance. Unless my
memory has gone wholly astray, no man
in America has any right to stick that
word before his name; to do it is shame
and very poor shame at that. At the
beginning Of this century members OF
the two houses of congress were referred
to simply as Mr. SoNand-so. But this
sham Hon has since crept in, and now
it is unlaWfully conferred upon members
of state legislatures and even upon the
mayors and city councillors of the pail
tr:est back settlements, Follow the
thing little further. In England TEN.
pOrary titles are dropped when their
time is up. The lord mayor of London
is addressed as my lord all through his
year of Office, but the moment he is out
he becomes plain Mr. again. But with
us, once Hon always Hon. once
governor always Governor | know
men who were members of legislatures,
or mayors Of villages twenty years ago,
and they are always mentioned in the
papers as the Hon. to this dsy, L know
people who were acknowledgement
years ago and they are called governor
to this day-yet the highest title they
have ever had any right to, in Office or
out Of it, was plain Mr. You
see, yourself, it wouldn't quite
answer for me to poke fun at titles
loving Englishmen-I should hear some>
body squeal behind me and find 1 had
stepped on the tail of some ezSoficial
monkey of our own. couldn't satirize
the English civil service: it was excelo
lent and ours wasn't; it was open to
every body, rich or poor, conspicuous or
obscure, whereas ours was only open to
scrubs who would do political dirty work
tor public enemies like Mr. COnkiing-
Hon. Mr.. Conkling, to use the obse>
quious illegal phrase of the day. |
couldn't venture to be sarcastic about
the horrible corruption Of English Ofi7
ciais, for how could but know that
something of the same kind, in a minor
degree might DE discovered among our
own officials ct any moment? could
not poke fun at the court column
which daily sets forth the walking and
driving and dining achievements of
kings and queens and dukes, while our
own papers have still longer court col
umn of personals wherein the move
ments CT half dozen permanent cele-
brities, s dozen evanescents aud two
dozen next to-nobodies are duly and
daily recorded. / couldn't sstrize Eng
lish justice, for it was exactly like our
own and every ether country's. That is
to FAY, there didn't appear to be any
particular rule in the matter of penal>
ties. In New York / have known an
Irishman to be sentenced to months
confinement for nearly killing his wife,
and another man to be jailed for
dreary long term for stealing blanket.
Now here is some English justice-these
two paragraphs are from yesterdays
London Standard:
HANLEY.
A strange case of cruelty came before
the stipendiary magistrate this morning.
An elderly woman was charged. with
asssulting her niece. The Allegations
were that the child had been beaten
with undue severity until she was much
bruised, and she was then washed in tur-
pentine and salt, causing great agony"