The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1879-05-26

OIIen.
Boston Transcript: The latest question re-
ported to have been asked by an errand boy
after place is do you keep telephone?''
Salem Sunbeam: If any woman attempts to
pull down the dining-room wallpaper stop
her on the spot.
An Indiana man shaved off his mustache.
and thereby spoiled his marriage with girl
who thought he looked "iust as handsome as a
brigand."
Fun: A Grave Rebuke-Individual fresh
from his club: 'My good sir Chic), can you
tell me where this w-(hic)-way leads TOP"
Sedate Party-"To the churchyard.
London Punch: Revolving meanness:
Nurse Examining christening presents, just
received]-"Lor, MEAN, if Mr.. Macestingy
hain't sent dear baby the cup his Cochin
fowl won at the poultry show.
St. Adams Advertiser: Mrs Burton thinks
the Koh-i-Noor the cause of England bad luck,
and wants it given to England's greatest enc
my That's right; give it to us. Well hate
England like pizen
AT recent performance in the New Haven
opera-house, as a number of students left their
seats between the acts, good lady was heard
to observe: "Ain't it too bad those fellows have
to go home and go to studying?'
A Minnesota man found beautiful young
squaw almost frozen to death. He took her to
his camp fire and tried to thaw her out. When
she had melted little he proposed marriage
and was accepted. They are now l. This is a
romance.
How sublimely ethereal" murmured Miss
de Flunkey, as she leaned over the rail Of the
fine steamer that plies between Venice and
Messina, and watched the play of the MOON
beams on the waves. "How lust too tremen-
dously magnificent! call this simply Joy ON
Lloyd!"
Punch Uncle John Suddenly bursting on a
newly-wedded pair, who are evidently in tiff)
''Hullo, my turtle-dovesl What's the row?
Not quarrelled already, 1 trust?"-Edwin:
"oh, dear, no. We've been going in for high
art, that's all."-Angelina: "And drawing
from casts of the antique. Edwin: "And
Angy's nose turns up so at the end, and she's
got such skinny waist, and such big head
and such tiny little hands and feetl Hang it
al, L thought her perfection. Angelina:
eyes, Uncle John; and Edwin's got a long uD-
per lip, and a runaway chin, and he c-c-can't
grow beard and moustachel Oh, dear! Oh,
dear" with difficulty restrains her sobs)
Unidentified Exchange: One day Bildad
that's the new dog was lynn fore the fire,
were it was orffie hot for his nose, and every
littel vile he wude haf to lift it up for to make
it git cool, and then he wude lie it down agin
M nj in OF 70
afore Uncle Ned, he sed: ''Ile teech that
feller lesson, seef don't" So Uncle Ned
he got sum wax, and made it warm and soft,
and when Bildad rose his he'd, Uncle Ned he
lade the wax tween Bildad's poz and Bildad
he lade his chin in it and shet his eyes up and
smiled, much as to say "That's a goodeel
more cumfitable, thank YOU" But bime by
wen Blldad snose was red-hOt agin, and he
went for to lift it up, he cuden't make it cum,
and you never seen sech campmeeting per-
formance in ol yure life, and sech yellin glory
hally looya!
New Haven Register "Spring has really
got along at last" remarked Mr.. Smiley, as he
glanced over the breakfast table in search of a
palatable morsel II always notice that about
this time it is between hay and grass about get
ting anything good to eat. Now buckwheat
slap-jacks are Just out of season and green corn
hasn't got along. Hannah, why don't you stir
ere~>,Aa eaad set ~r reIinl.Obls sort o brock
fast. 1t strikes me that have seen that same
plate of rolls for three days" "Ichabod Smi-
ley, them rolls is jest hot out of the oven, and
if they amt good enough for such fault-ind-
ing old hunk, you can get your meals some
where else; l won't be tied up to waiting on
you for nothing but abuse and one new dress
year.; and the floodgates of her eyes opened
and the hot tears rolled down her face. Smiley
looked little sheepish but managed to get
outside OF four rolls and two cups of coffee
Vowlng that he would send up a shad for din
ner, something that wouldn't allow time for
the old gal to get to sniveling.'