Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1879-06-19
NO 26.
HunlOr,

Eight hundred thousand base ball bats
are made every year in this country, and
that's what becomes of all our forests.
1t is one of the physiological myster-
les why a boys hand will blister so much
sooner on a hoe-handle than it will
on baseball bat
Keep still. The Fourth of July will
be along in few weeks, and, if possible,
the small boy should not be informed of
its approach until it is all OVERHEAD
Haven Re9ister.
A Hardly Ever" Temperance society
has been formed down East. When
man is asked if he drinks he says,
Hardly ever, but if l do, it is about
this time of day"
l rise, sir, for information" said an
official in Western legislature. 81 am
glad to hear it, said a wag, for no one
needs it more than you do"
A Bob Ingersoll sort of a Christian
wants some one to explain why, when
thunder storm visits a town containing
thirty beer saloons and five churches,
the lightning will travel all around the
saloons and strike a church?
Miss Josie Baker, sixteen years of age,
has been appointed Greek tutor in an
Illinois college. She is proficient in
Greek, French, Latin and German, but
can't make bread Or sew on shirt but
ton in simple United States.
In consequence of the threatened
trouble in Alaska, the United States
army Is being rapidly put on war
footing. Two more soldiers have re-
ported for duty at San Francisco, and
man In the hospital with sore leg will
be ready for business in less than a
fortnight.
A contemporary wants to know, says
the NOrristol0n Herald, "why women
never sleep in church ?' And it is
difficult to tell whether it is because
they go to bed so much earlier than the
men on Saturday nights, or because of
the dread of waking up and finding
their mouth open to the extent of ten
inches.
AT the marriage of an Alabama
widower, one of the servants was asked
if his master would take bridal tour.
Dunno, sab; when old missus's was
alive he took paddle to her; dunno if
he take bride to the new one or not"
"A man who drinks ON the sly when
he does drink, inadvertently began
speech the other night "Unaccust-
omed as L am to public drinking
stopped, stammered and tried to recover
himself but the point was seen and the
applause became tremendous.
A Greenfield child has said It's prayers
regularly every night since it was taught
to lisp "Now lay me down to sleeep."
Hearing that its parents were about to
remove hither, it closed its last evening
prayer thus: Dood-by bod, we's goin'
to live in Turner's Falls"
az move the present question" said
delegate to Montana convention. The
chalrman-"lf the chair recollect right
the question was on adjourning for
drinks. Those in favor say yes; contra
ry minded, no." The chair was about
to announce the unanimous result when
he noticed the room was empty.
Then out spake Charles Augustus,
! To his sweetheart at the gate;
| Nv hat does your placid pap remark
| When we hang out 20 lateg'
| "Oh, that's all right, my Gussie DEAR"
| She blurted out en- naGSSe,
| "He says il saves heap of coal,
| Likewise the parlor gas"
A New Jersey physician, heavily load
ed with town lots, for which he had paid
only IN part, hastily prescribed a box
of pills for patient and allowed his
mind to wander back to his real estate.
The patient asked how the pills were to
be taken. The doctor replied, "One
third down, the rest in six and twelve
months, with interest"
Whena a woman buys kettle ofpaint
to paint, say, the kitchen door, she
doesn't let what's left after covering the
door dry up. No; she paints everything
paintable in the house with it till the
last drop is exhausted; until all things
barrels, fower-pots, wheelbarrow and
hoehandle-have put on the kitchen
door tint, be it green, yellow. or brown,
black, purple or crimson She does
this to save the paint; only this, and
nothing mOre-B0stOn Transcript.
A little Elko New girl surprised
compony of visitors by her knowledge
of the Creators works. At the dinner
table she exclaimed: "God made all
this big world in just six days. God
made me and everybody else. He
made mamma, TOO, but he forgot to put
any hair on her mead, and papa had to
| buy it for her" When the mother got
through interviewing the young miss,
after the company dispersed, the little
one wished she hadn't known so much.
A facetious brakeman on the Central
Pacific railroad cried out as the train
was entering tunnel: "This tunnel is
one mile long and the train will be four
minutes passing through it." The train
dashed into daylight again in four sec
onds, and the scene In the Car was one
for painter. Seven young ladies were
closely pressed by fourteen pair of Inas-
culine arms, four pair of lips were
glued together and two dozen inverted
whisky TASKS flashed in the air.
Girls, if you want to encourage young
men, get an album. It's the first thing
bashful young man grabs when he
enters strange house where there are
girls. "We've seen them look through
one until they know every picture by
heart, from page one to Gen. Grant in
the back part. It's wonderful what in
terest bashful man will take in a girls
grandmother and pug-nosed uncle at
the first visit, but it's always so. Get
'em girls. It's the best thing in the
world to occupy fellows hands, ,and it's
sure cure FIR bashfulness.
In town of Medford, Mass, famous
for its vintage of the still, there is an in
dividual who sometimes publicly ex-
hibits its effect, and also, in close prox-
unity to each other, three town CLOCKS,
Of sonorous and emphatic sound when