The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1879-02-28
Frantic COLoNELs.
Disastrous Results of Reading the
s'Press.o

s'Press.''
sPREss, Colonel" said a small urchin to
Colonel Cushman as that gentleman was COM
ing down the street the other morning,
"PREss?" The Colonel was not feeling we'll
that day. 1t happened to be the morning after
the Greenback caucuses were held, and he was
suffering keenly from the ibgratitude of Re-
pubcs. For some reason he had conceived a
violent hatred for the paper which the boy had
in his hand, unmindfal of the fact that it
had given him the only title he has ever
had. Consequently when he heard the word
PRESS all his pent up passion sprang to the
surface. He knitted his eyebrows and scowled
at the boy in very threatening manner "Take
that low, scurrilous sheet out of my sight," said
| he, and at the same moment nervous tremor
ran down his right leg, which the boy noticed,
and construed as q premonition Of violent
movement of the flexor and extensor muscles
OF that member. He accordingly reiterated out
of range, but being bad boy he again extend
ed the PRESS, this time adding. Something in
| it about you, Colonel" Col. Cushman's curl
osity was excited. 81 wonder what it ISL he
solilIqaized as he walked on, permitting for
the moment his curiosity to get the upper hand
of his anger, something bad probably" At
any rate must have the paper" So he step.
ped into the first periodical store he came to
and called for religious weekly. Now we are
compelled to say that TIE Colonel in this case
practiced little deceit. He didn't really want
religious paper, but he bated to be seen buy
ing the PRESS, snd it occurred TO him that
while the periodical man was hunting up re.
lgious sheet he might slip PRESS slyly into
his pocket.
"Have you any religious predictions which
would lead you to prefer one religious paper to
another" inquired the storekeeper.
The Colonel had spied the PRESS by this time
and sidled over to where it lay. 1t was but a
moments work to put one in his pocket, and so
he told his questioner that any one would do.
The stofekeeper turned to look for his religious
literature and the Colonel slipped PRESS into
his pocket. A religious paper was soon found
and the Colonel thrust that toto his pocket also
and threw down ten cents and refused to take
any change, thus honestly paying for the two
The Colonel then fastened to his shop and
after examining it thoroughly to see that there
was no one around opened the PRESS. He
kicked over all the rocking horses in the store
and threw everything that resembled cavalry
sabre into the cellar. Hs next walked cut Of
the store door and made a bee line for Col.
Todd's On the way he encountered a yellow
dog and the color reminding him of the stripes
on cavalry uniform he kicked at him violently.
At Col Todds be behaved in the same strange
and unaccountable manner. He threw the
razors all over the floor, presumably because
they were made of steel ard had edges, and
the brushes out of the window because be
thought he detected horse hairs in them. After
he had thus disposed of all the irritating
material he grew calmer and Col Todd
ventured to ask him what the matter was. He
could only speak one workplaces, but that
was enough. At the sound five colonels-Col
Ames, Col King, Col Drinkwater, Col. Waite
and Col. Turner-sprang up from behind the
stove. executed war dance, whoopng
ferociousy and brandishing war clubs. COL
Todd was the only calm one in the room ex cept
Col. CushmaD who by this time was physical
ly exhausted. Col. Todd begged the gentle
men to compose themselves. But the gentle
men would not compose themselves. ppm no
pedestriauand haven't got any feathers ON
L IN
Shaug and he kicked off one boot to ocular.
ly demonstrate the truth of his assertion.
"Cuss that rooster he Kissed as he heard
crow in the distance and recognized the
voice of the hated Asiatic bird, for the Colonel
had conceived the strange idea that the PRESS
by its allusion to feathers meant to insinuate
that he resembled that species of fowl which
was by no means the case. t'The whole
story is an infamous falsehood" shouted Col.
King. "But the public will believe it,"
grosned Col Cushman who had begun to
revive.
"Well," said Col Todd who seemed to be
the only man who had not lost his head, 1--WE
must do so netting to couuteract it. us no
use whooping, and dancing about. We must
brand it publicly as an infamous fAlsehood.
COL Wate's feet must be photographed. This
will be sufficient to dispose of the charge made
against him. Pictures must b. taken also of
Col Cushman and Col Ames, each in his /
character of member of tho cavalry or
infantry arm of the service, and placed in the
store windows. If one glance at them doesn't
expose the absurdity of the whole thug then
its no use to try any thing else.'' The idea s
struck all hands as capital. So Col. Cushman
borrowed a cavalry uniform, buckled on a
sabre aud took rocking horse under his arm
and marched out in search of a photograph
saloon. Col. Ames followed with Spring
field mnsket and revolvers and Col. Waite be-
hind him barefooted. The photographers was
soon reached aud sunlight brought toto
requisitiDn to refute the slauders of the PRESS.
The public will doubtless watch the windows
Of our art stores for several days to come with
unususl interest.