The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1879-05-29
Prof. Thrum's Pills.
"Ever met Prerfesser Thrum- Lias

Prof. Thrum's Pills.
"Ever met Prerfesser Thrum -Lias
J.?" e. "
II never have. Who is hep"
"Oh, he's a geenyus; lone O. the finest
'pearing old gentlemen We ever see;
highly edyecated, comes Of good family,
and jest as keen's brier"
= whats his business?"
"Preachin' and pillin', mostly; he's
principal agent for the Ben Franklin
Self-Supportin' Pill, and he ex' ortseven-
ms when he's trayelin'. The wimmin
folks jest goes crazy abaout 'Lias. No
discount on 'Lias j. Thrum, tell yew!
Good many min listers is more or less
pestered in prare, but 'Lias goes rite
long, s if nothin' t all was the matter.
No hitchin' and coughin' to him when
he's ingaged; frees bird, every time"
us he a good speaker?" Il . ara
o9 "The most sperrited ye ever heered."
Fine voice p" +''''' '"' '@'
"Clear's quill, and louder'n gun.
When the winder is open in aour school
haouse, where he labors frequent, emmy
body t'other side the river kin hear
him. He meks things Jump, I tell yew,
when he gifts agoin'!" '.j7ho 19 ."''%
+ Show is he in argument?" 2.. -m
J. up tew emmy on 1'em, We may depend.
Karnt ketch 'Lias where the wools
short, from Genesiz to Revelations.
Wish ye'd heered him tackle wun O.
yore Boston transildentist fellsrs who
woz up herein East Nineveh last sum-
mer.i Fun then, I tell yew. There
warnt piece left ov that Massachusetts,
onbeliever's bigas cloze-pin. Sumbdy
said that air radikel he'd lost his mind.
'Lias bust aout larfn, and SEE he, I
wouldn't pick it up eff faound it layin'
raound ennywhere.' That's 'Lias! he's
jest's quick's flash. He's barmy Gil
yud all over, and big dog under. the
wagon tew boot, as the old sayir' is"
"Are the Ben Franklin pills popular
in this town." ~1""'a' .-1'-1f "
Il eyes, sir, and everywhere else, tew.
Look here, yew. Jest work into your
Letters suthin' bout them pills, and
'Lias IL sartisfy ye. He wouldn't mind
payin' ye we'll for yer trubble. Most
estonishin' cures them pills s brought
abaout Miss Witkum, daown here to
the Four Corners, couldn't see aout ov
her head for more'n year, on account
ov havin', both to wunce, neurology and
dispepsy on the spinel marrer; but
Lias cured her up with cupple O boxes
cleans a wissel. Hiram Perkings's
teeth was all a-gittin loose, but a box
and hart O the Ben Franklin fixed 'em
in agin tights a drum. Hundreds O.
cases jest like these is we'll known in
aour caounty, and all over the United
States. My brother-in-law 'Rastus
Frink's bin in eyry port in the world
| 'cept Californy, and he sez the crowned
heads in Urup is naow takin' 'em ey'ry
where. Wish We could hear the prer-
lesser, with tears in his eyes, indorse
'Rastus's statemunt!" Il. - s.E'g ,3"u
"The professor believes IN the efficacy,
of the pills he is dealing in so largely,
SUPPOSED"
That's SO; and we'll he may, for they
saved his life when he had water on; the
heart so bad" et.. ...... .: ....+. ....-
when WAS UIlaC ...gs. tt.. .... gre
Years ago, when he was a young
man, comparatively speakin'. Let's
see: He was 'tacted with this water on
the heart when he was sent's mission
cry into the old Gypsum country.
He tells the story that when he got rort
up a-speakin' to them heather ladies
and juntlemen over there on the bank
| IL. l. 80
for his strength, and so this water sot
in, fust on his chist Poorly soon, he
seq, his heart gut het up and went to
bilin'. If ye put yer ear daown, ye
could hear it. Wa'al, 'Lias spent thaou-
sands o. dolluz, calm in the doctors
near and fur No use! They all gin
him up, and he come home to de- One
day he overheard man in New York
say the Ben Franklin pills was a shore
remedy for water on the heart, and 'Lias
went in for box on 'em; KEEP takin'
box arter box, and at, the end O the ff-t
teenth or sixteenth box Che don't naow
zactly remember which it was), he be-
gun to improve, and the sizzin' stopt
inside ov him. Out O. gratitude he ex-
| copGou agency, anu uo gone Oh Ii
trodoocin' them pills into ev'ry quarter
O. the known globe. Turkey, Prooshy,
Aysha, Chiny, everywhere most, he's
introduced 'em by word O. 'maouth.
When he goes aout to Ingey he alters
stops at the pallis, and all the high
priests waits on him abaout. The
grandees thinks ev'ry thing on him oau-t
there in highland and Rooshy. It's
goods play to hear 'Lias tell of his
travels aout there. When he went to
Kanky-noo, aout in Japan, moren
hunderd elefunts, all rugged up in golden
jewills, walked tew and tew in the royle
percession to meet him on the WORT.
'Lias sez the Kings family warnts him
to come aout there and settel, but he
ruther thinks he sharnt dew it at pres
ent. He's dreadfully 'tached to this
ere form @ government, but he may
alter his mind, byme-by, and pull up
stakes agin. Wish We could see Prer-
lesser Thrum's kleckshun curiositiz he