The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1879-12-17
WANTED-A LOCAL EDITOR.

Pm the precise individual for whom you
pineth. For eighteen months I've wait
ed for some live newspaper men to adj
vertise for my invaluable services. ]
presume modesty restrained them, and
I'm glad. aye, jubilant, that you have
leaped that blushing barrier.
I'm suffering from impecunious gan
creme, and need change of atmosphere.
| / think that of Rome will suit me- in
deed, I've had desire to visit Rome
ever since | read the story of how Billy
Brutus stabbed Caesar in the House OF
Representatives, and Pompey, at whose
feet Caesar fell, failed to give in his testi.
mony before the coroner's jury. Iwould
have been down your way long ago, but
up in these knobs the points of the COM
pass fail to indicate anything, the sun
dial has been abandoned as futile, and
the people rely entirely on Waterbury
clocks. Occasionally, gentlemen from
the outer world drop in and instruct us
in the science of Political Economy and
the Art of Self-Government. For this
our people feel grateful; they present
them with mineral specimens and balsam
walking sticks, which Is equivalent to a
benediction.
But must go. Change chat bearing
the stamp of the U. s. Mint is impera-
tive. 1t is the most cogent reason tina
ever influenced me in changing my base
My impecuniosity has superinduced a
melancholy that has settled down in the
cardiac region. If l had possessed enough
of the circulating medium of the realm
to have paid old Charon his ferriage, the
temptation to confer favor on society
by committing bari bari would have been
overpowering. I've no doubt but that l
would have disembowelled myself if |
had not been afraid to take in my own
hand prerogative of the Great Master,
and like an audacious robber, charge
headlong at tue Kingdom of Heaven
However, j went far enough to antici-
pate such an extremity, and wrote my
epitaph. Here is the mortuary gem;
Upon the lap of earth here rests his head,
A youth to fortune and to fame unknown,
He asked his fellow-craft for meat and bread
And in response received large-sized stone.
You will say that is a paraphrase of
Gray's Elegy. True. But, my dear
sirs, it will pass current, especially on a
tombstone. No improperly in that.
Oh, no. In comparison with the literary
brigandage of the day, mine is mild
form of kleptomania. And then, it was
intended for tombstOne-ap place where
virtues are recorded to which the in
mates were strangers. In fact, if some
of them could rise from the dead and
read epitaphs which kind and loving
hands had placed above them, they
would bring actions for libel and take
the awards in counterfeit greenbacks,
provided the mechanical execution was
good enough to deceive the Secretary of
the Treasury. No reflection intended
on Spinner's signature. Blythe by, did
you ever see anything in old Saxon
hieroglyphics that capped his chirogra-
ply? We saw in the papers some time
since where the gentleman was soiourn-
ing in Florida. When not occupied in
writing letters on "The Situation in the
South, " he would stroll on the beach and
write his name in the sand. The alliga-
tors would come up, stare at it, and be
seized with the jim-jamS. l understand
that the ex-Treasurer has contracted
with Prof. Seligmann to accompany him
to the excavations at Pompeii, for the
purpose of carving his autograph on old
pottery for the edification of antiQuaries
and other sGUGl1ts of Europe. So the
world may expect to be startled by clas-
steal translatiors from the old Egyptian,
Phenician, Cypriot, or other subterran-
can alphabets.
But I'm depressing. l want the posi-
ton of local writer on your paper, and
entertain an overweaning confidence
that l will please you. But must posi-
lively decline to 'hold the mirror up to
Nature" Nature has dotted her gar
ments; she's in a nude state, and IL
I'm married man Possibly you could
get George Alfred Townsend or Anna
Dickson to do the looking glass business
for you. They are moral saiamanders,
while my position is delicate one; and
what's more, the UGLet de chGnabTe is not
in my line.
Pm not hide-bound either in morality |
DR. religion. Ny piety oscillates between |
that of an old Scotch DissenteF and q |
modern Spiritualist. In politics, I'm |
Utilitarian-a kind of Radical Conserva-
Union-man, and like the N.
7. Herald, always found floating with |
he popular current. Ia political finesse
doubt if any prominent men of the
lay excel James Gordon Bennett and
myself.
I'm not rapid writer, my ideas moYe
luggishly, but ! tell you they are hefty;
md therein consists the beauty of the
)rick work. Most localizers WELD
They are the best, and are furnished by
he Government.
Don't understand me now az intima-
ing that I'm self made. I'm the last
nan in the woEld TO relieve my parental
ncestors OF any responsibility. True,
We been hard uphill fighter, and my
ducation has been picked up around
locks and wood-yards, but there are few
ubiects that I've not tackled Look up
nto the immensity of space, aud then
make pass at me on Astronomy. No
eed of q telescope. Why, sirs, I've
ain out so many nights on cotton bales
hat / know all the movements of the
ntire planetary system. You may talk
Purbach, Mullerus, Copernicus, Des-
artes, Calico, August Comte, and all
Their star gaZers through cylindrical
lbes, lenses, smoked glass, ETC., but
i've me the naked |.
I've been offered a position in Wash
lgton, but the National Capital Is no
lace for one with my code of ethics
We children to take care of, and large
oil on the back of my neck. 1t is a
ad place, Messrs. Editors. Were you
. dose hell with tartar emetic, you
0uidn't throw more sooundrels to the
lrface than are to be found there dur
lg the session of Congress. I've been I
lere. The chief staples are Loaves and
ishes. I
1 would write you more, gentlemens a
ut the old woman needs some wood /
wed, and always prefer complying J
it'll mild request cheerfully than be-
'ming prematurely bald by an act of {
zen INSTRUMENTATION. I
Hoping that you will consider my APP I
ication faVorahly, ! remain your SER
INT, G. W. EVE. c
Asheville, N. c., Dec. 8, 1879.
READY FOR THE HOLIDAY