Union County courier. [volume] (Elk Point, Union County, D.T. [S.D.]) 187?-1913, 1879-12-03
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 3, 1879.


EMBER 3, 1879.
"THE BABIES"
mark fWain's speech aa the Dan~uet
Given 0e0eEAl Grant.
Following IL the speech BY MARI
Twain ut tho banquet given Cen. Grant
by the Army of tho Tennessee at the
Palmer house, Chicago, on the even
ing Of the 18th:
The humorous speech of .he evening
was made by Samuel 4. Clements, other.
wise Mark TWAIN" in response to the
novel sentiment of " The Babies."
"The Babies" Al they comfort us in
our SORROWS, let us not forget them in our
festivities. Laughter,
/ like thatl We haven't all had the
good fortune TO be adiee-llaughter]-
statesmen; but when the toast works
down to the Babies" we stand ON COM
mon ground, for we've al been there
been babies. Laughter and applause.
1t is . shame that, for thousand years,
the worlds banquets have utterly ig-
nored the baby, as If he didn't amount
to anything. 1t you gentlemen will stop
and think minute-if you will 20 back
fifty or hundred years, to Jouf early
married life laughter land recon-
template your frst baby, you will no
member that he amounted to q good
deal, and even something over. You
soldiers all know that when that little
fellow arrived at family headquarters
you had to hand in your resignation.
Laughter,] He took entire cop.mand.
You became his lackey, his mere body.
servant, and you had to stand around,
too. He was not . commander who
made allowances for time, distance,
weather, or anything else-you Lad to
execute his order, whether it was posi-.
Bile or not. Laughter.
And there was only one form Of
msrching in hts manual Of tactics. and
that was the double-quick. He treated
you with every insolence and direspect,
and the bravest of you didn't dare to
say q word. You could face the death
storm of Donelson and Vicksburg, and
give back blow for blow-[ applause T.
but when he clawed your whiskars, and
pulled your hair, and twisted your nose,
you had to take 1t. Laughter. When
the thunders of war were sounding In
your ears, you set your face toward the
batteries, and advanced with steady
tread; but when he turned ON the terrors
of his war whoops you advanced In the
other direction = laughter l. mighty
glad of the chance, too. When he called
for soothing syrup. did you venture to
throw out any side remarks about certain
services being unbecoming an officer and
q gentleman Laughter Mol You
got up and got it. If he ordered his
pop bottle, and it wasn't warm, did you
talk back7 Not you'll You went to
work and warmed it. You even de.
scended 20 far in your menial Office a. to
take suck at that warm, insipid stuff
yourself, to see if 1t was right-three
parts water to one of milk, . touch Of
sugar to modify the collie, and drop of
penpsnnaint~ t. kil *hoao inAnoa<aA Ais-
coughs. can taste It yet. Roars Of
laughter.
| And how many things you learned ~
you went along. Sentimental young
folk still took stock in the old saying,
that when the baby smiles in his sleep It
is because the angels are whispering to
him. Very. pretty, but "too thin"
Laughter Simply wind on the
stomach, my friendsl II the baby pro-
posed to take walk at his usual hour
hall. past two in the morning-didn't
you rise up promptly and remark, with
: mental addition which wouldn't inn
prove Sunday school book much, that
that was the very thing you were about
to propose yourselfi [Roars Oh, you
were under good disciplined And ~
you went strutting mp and down the
room in your "undress uniform, y
you not only prattled undignified baby
talk, but you tuned up your martial
voice and tried to sing & tRock-a-b by, baby,
in the trce-sop," for instance. What .
spectacle for an Army of the Tennessee
TRoars of laughter.] And what an
afhiction for the neighbors, too; for 4
isn't everybody within . mile around
that likes military music ct 8 In the
morning. And when you had been
keeping this sort OF thing up for two OF
three hours, and your little velvet-bead
intimated that nothing suited him lik,
J exercise and noise" 70 ON "-what die
lyou dot You simply went on
till you dropped in the last ditch
TGreat laushter.1 The idea tha
1 baby doesn't amount to anything
Why, one baby h just house and ,
front yard full by itself; one baby Cal
furnish more business than you ami
your whole interior department can ut
Il tend TO; he II enterpFisipg, irrepreeafble
! tr,,, f.,ll ~ 1ewlAaa a~kSv{fioa An Wha