davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09
i'uns.

Punning has come to be one of the
fine arts in the estimation of some. As
many newspaper readers may think it
strange that the supply of puns keeps
up so WELL we submit rough calcu-
lation.
Number of words in the language ca
pable of two puns, $4,000; number Of
one pun. 10000; two-word puns possible,
10000; phrase puns ditto, 10000. Total
puns possible, and indeed probable, 1885,
600 This would allow 1000 puns a
week for three years. or 100 week for
thirty years. Then we must take into
consideration the fact that good pun is
stolen, slightly transformed, and made
to do duty over and over again. Fur
thermore, after few years, new sci of
writers will be in the harness, and in the
exercise of their vocation will honestly
perpetrate, as original, puns which went
the rounds of the press years ago. On
the whole the outlook is gloomy. We
advise readers of newspapers to cultivate
resiQndtiOn
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09
Take n Drink, Old Fellow.

The following story is told of young
man who was taken to a home for inc
brates for treatment:
In three days Mr.. Coles had brought
the young man through all the dangers
of delirium tremens, and had placed
him, as it were, on his feet.
How do you feelG' said Mr.. Coles,
when his patient had recovered his
senses.
every well, indeed" saa
Mr.. Coles gathered up the young mans
clothes in his arms, including his boots
and shoes, and carried them down stairs.
When Mr.. Coles left the room the
patient was determined to procure some
spirits. His room was two stories from
the street, but there was pipe that ran
from the roof to the grounds water
spout.
Il can descend by that" said he.
He looked around for his clothes; they
were gone. He found nothing but
pair of old slippers. The money he had
in his pockets when he was brought to
the asylum was in the bureau-drawer OF
his room. The young man tore the
sheets of his bed into strips and wound
the strips around his legs, making pair
of pantaloons; then he took a comforter
from his bed, cut holes in it for his
arms, and thus made a tolerably nice
dressing-gown. Going into the bath
room he found large sponge. He cut .
slit in this with his razor, and putting
his head into the slit he had fur hat at
once. Then raising his window he step
ped outside and slid down the water
spout, with the money he had in bis
possession when he came into the institu-
ton, in the crown of his sponge hat.
Half an hour later Mr.. Cole, in passing
bar-room on his way to the station,
heard noise of great hilarity, and,
thinking that he recognized the voice OF
his patient, dropped in. There he was,
with his dressing gown, sponge hat and
his skin-tight pantaloons, the center of
an admiring circle, drinking whisky
punches and rattling off jokes at the rate
of twenty minute.
al give in" said Mr.. Coles.
"Take drink, old fellow" said the
inebriate, with drunken familiarity.
The offer was declined, and the gro
tesquely clothed patient was induced to
return to the home.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09
She Didn't Say Anything.

Extract from woman's testimony in
the trial of her husband for abusing
her:
He struck me in the face. didn't
say any thing to him, but gave him a
good talking to-"
The attorney scratched his chin for
moment, and asked the woman if she
would please repeat her statement.
al say he struck me. | didn't say any,
thing to him, but gave him good talk
ing to.
Again the attorney scratched his chin,
but finally told the woman to go on and
tell what else had happened
"That same afternoon he struck me
again. can stand great deal, and l
didn't say word to him, but / gave
him good talking to-"
The attorney thought long and deeply,
and then asked
Did he strike you the third time7'
Yes, sir; he did"
Did you say anything to him?'
ono, sir"
"Not a word?'
Not word"
Dut perhaps you gave him good
taking to-"
You can just bet your life did"
The lawyer began to scratch his chin
igain, but the judge dismissed the
case.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09
THE Colonies and India" furnishes

The Colonies and India" furnishes
some interesting particulars respecting
the so-called vegetable ivory" which
is now so much used as a substitute for
ivory. The vegetable-ivory-nut is the
produce of a species of palm found wild
in South America and Africa. Inside
the hard shell is the white kernel, which
being softer than ivory and easily carved,
as well as readily dyed, and being less
brittle than bone, is largely used in max
ing buttons, etc. The unripe fruit con-
sists of green shell, containing watery
fluid, which, as the nut ripens, gradually
thickens until it becomes a pulpy mass,
and eventually hardens into solid mat
tor The water, though bitter to the
taste, is wholesome, and often renders
invaluable service to travellers, who can
not otherwise obtain water to drink.
The tree on which the fruit grows is un-
like an ordinary palm, having little or
no stem and dropping downward, espe-
cially when the weak branches are over
weighted by the six or seven punches of
nuts, each containing six or seven seeds,
inclosed in thick heavy shells and outer
sheath, and weighing altogether from
twenty to twenty-four pounds
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09

HoRMUzD RAssAM has completed his
second Assyrian expedition. He ex-
plored the mound of Nebi Yunns, the
prophet Jonah, and discovered remains
of palaces erected by Esdarhaddon and
Sennacherib. His labors on the mounds
of Nineveh resulted in the recovery of a
number of inscriptions of extreme in
terest. Passing southwark, he visited
Nimroud and its Temple of Venus. The
explorations in Assyria have discovered
many valuable monuments. Mr.. Rassam
extended his operations into fields un-
touched since the time of Layard's ex-
petition, and he was able to carry out a
series of explorations on the mounds Of
ancient Babylon. Here his discoveries
were most brilliant. In mound hitherto
untouched he discovered a palace of
Nebuchadnezzar's, with rich enameled
columns, beams of Indian wood, ana
every indication of having been most
splendid edifice. His excavations in the
mound of the Birs Nimroud, the site of
the supposed Tower Of Babel, have
proved that the destruction of this great
edifce was due, not to lightning or hos
tile attack, but to a volcanic eruption.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09
What Thirsty Italian Found In q
California Snring.

Four years ago two Italians left Naples
for California, hoping to better their for
tunes. They arrived within the Golden
Gate with just enough money to convey
them to the mines in the interior. They
we're advised to go TO Downieville and
seek work in the Sierra Butts Mine,
whore large force was wanted. On their
journey one fell sick by the wayside, and
was taken in by kind hearted farmer.
The other pushed ahead and finally
reached the end of his journey in safety.
He failed to obtain employment on the
ground that he neither understood min
ing nor the English language. After re-
ceiving numerous rebuffs he started to
return to the lower country again. At a
point between Loganville and Downie-
vile, and ten miles from the latter place,
he became 30 weary, footsore and dis
heartened that he began to wish himself
back in sunny Italy once more among
the vines and olives. He grew feverish
thinking over his trials and tribulations,
and stopped at spring TO lave his head
and moisten his parched throat. Cattle
had been that way short time before,
and with their feet stirred up the limpid
water until it became thick with mud.
The Italian scooped out the basin in one
side of the shallow spring and waited
until the debris should settle to the bot
tom. By and by the water became clear
8 a crystal, and he stopped over to quaf
I it. As he did 30 an astonishing sight
burst on his vision. The bottom of the
spring was strewn with bright yellow
particles that glittered in their watery
bed. With all his ignorance of mining,
he knew he had found gold. He scraped
up a handful of dirt and took from it
four or five dollars worth of coarse and
fine pieces of gold. With them he
rushed excitedly to camp where lived
some of his countrymen, and offered to
give them an interest in his find. He
void the story Of his discovery, but they
ere incredulous, saying that some miner
ad stopped at the spring to drink and
lost what was found from his purse. One
of them, however, who was more kind
hearted, sympathized with the stranger
and volunteered to help prospect the
claim, although he had no confidence in
developing a profitable one. The first
day panned out seven hundred dollars.
Since then they have worked it con-
stantly and on an extensive scale. 1t has
paid handsomely from the first. Last
year they took out forty thousand dol
lars and sold q one-quarter interest for
twenty thousand dollars more. 1t is not
yet fully developed. They work by the
hydraulic and drifting processes The
story reads like romance; still there
never was a truer one, as everybody
around Downieville who has taken the
trouble to inquire into it knows.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09
An Incident Of the Steamer Explosion
on Lake Mime tOnka.

Mr.. 5. f. Tate, the gentleman referred
to in printed accounts of the explo-
sion of the steamer May Queen ms the
persod who was instrumental in rescuing
several persons from the wreck, furnished
one rather ludicrous incident connected
with the catastrophe. Mr.. Tate, who was
fishing in the vicinity and was an eye
witness of the explosion, hurried to the
wreck with the intention of rescuing
any unfortunate who might need succor.
His search among the debris resulted in
discovering a lady imprisoned in the
rear cabin in the only portion of the
boat that was not blown almost to atoms.
Some six feet of the stern was left unin-
jured, and the roof above had been
driven down, and in here the lady was
found. As soon as Mr. Tate discovered
her condition he put his boat up to the
remaining window, and, after some per-
severance and the exercise of little
necessary force, he induced her to crawl
through the aperture into the boat. Her
first ejaculation, after being rescued,
was: "Oh, my poor dogl See il you
can find him."
Mr.. Tate had other business to attend
to lust at that time, and SO informed her,
but at her earnest solicitation looked
about for that dog, but without success.
Imagine hissurprise when, minute later
the lady pointed to a gentleman who,
half in the water and half out, was cling
ing, beside the engineer, to a large piece
of the wreck that was floating in the
vicinity, and screamed out: "Oh, my
poor husbandp Sure enough twas her
husband, and, fortunately, but little
injured. The dogs corpse foated to the
surface few minutes after the passen-
gers reached the shore.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09

THE Boston Transcript says An in
complete idea is apt to be a false idea
it is necessary TO take the whole in order
to make it valuable. Causeur remem-
bers good country parson who preached
a series of sermons on practical morality,
and very interesting and instructive they
were. A lad in the village who had
heard only one of them was coming out
of an orchard one day, his pockets bulg-
ing with stolen fruit. He met the par
son, who noticed his efforts to conceal
the evidences of his guilt. "Have you
been stealing applesT asked the minister.
" Yes sir" answered the boy, sheepishly.
"And you are trying to hide them from
mew continued the good man. Yes,
sir" said the culprit, and then added,
his face Frightening up, "you said last
Sunday that we must avoid the appear.
once of evil"
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09
Scene i'm n Paris Court.

An Unprecedented scene occurred in
the Assize Court the other day, on the
tria; of three most dangerous scoundrels,
who stole cabs and in many instances
drove fares to remote places, and then
robbed them. They were all powerful
men, and the police rightly, as it turned
out, thought them likely to make vio-
lent attempt to escape yfrom the dock.
In consequence, the usual military
guard was doubled, and sentinels were
placed at every issue of the court. The
law does notallow prisoners to be chained
or handcuffed during their trial, but, as
a precaution, officers were ready to clap
on the handouts the moment sentence
was pronounced. The court condemned
the three to penal servitude for life, and
in an instant two of them were seized
and pinioned, but they kicked the police
men who held them. The third fought
for long time with half dozen guards
and very nearly drew the sword from the
scabbard of one of them, cursing all the
time.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09

THE cost of excavatlng the canal
through which the waters of the Medit-
erranean are to flow from the Gulf of
Gabes into the so-called "Chotts," and so
convert the desert region to the south of
Algeria and Tunis into vast inland sea,
will not, it is estimated by Roudaire,
under whose supervision the preliminary
urveyslately made have been carried out,
exceed four million dollars. 1t is only
necessary to cut through the narrow 18TH
mus separating the head of the Gulf of
Gabes from the extremity of the Chott
El-Dierid.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09

Mr.. HADLEY lives in Naugatauck.
The otherev evening at supper his wife had
a strawberry shortcake. Mr.. Hadley
made remark that irritated her. where
upon Mrs. Hadley smashed him on the
face with the shortcake. The frightened
man ran for the police without stopping
to clear his features of the debris. The
spectacle of the flying man, with his face
covered with berry clots and streaming
with berry juice, was of such a CHASTITY
nature that many people tainted dead
away, and the police force straightway
bolted under barn that mad been but
recently erected.-Danbury Ne,cs.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09

M. DE. LEssEPs, in a lecture at
Amiens, on the Panama Canal, stated
that the subscription would be opened
soon; that in November he should him
self start for the Isthmus, that the first
sod should be turned on New Years
Day, and that with thirty thousand or
forty thousand workmen, some of them
Chinese, but fifteen thousand of them
free negroes from Brazil, whom the En-
peror Pedro would doubtless agree to
send, the work would be completed in
seven or eight years ...r..-
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09

A NEWSPAPER correspondent who has
travelled over France, Belgium and Ger
many, says that the French are less
prosperous than they were, but that
there is very little actual distress in that
country. In Belgium there is less bust
ness doing than usual, but there are no
signs of a diminished consumption.
The depression in Germany isworse than
in Belgium, though in neither country is
it SO bad as in England.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09

SOME years ago an eminent English
surgeon stated that, on no account, ex-
cept that serious fire was on hand, or to
save a life, should any person ever run
after having reached fifty years of age.
The reason alleged was that tendency
to heart disease, apoplexy, ETC., might
suddenly be brought to a climax by vio-
lent exertion, and especially with corpu-
lent persons. This warning has been
vindicated lately by the death of several
persons who have run for the cars, OF
otherwise unduly exc rcised. ...-,..---.-
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09
Dust to Dust.

The romantic suggestion that earth
should be brought over from France to
make grave for the late Prince Impe-
rial, has singular parallel in the life Of
Admiral Nelson. When the famous
French three-decker L Orient the scene
of young Casabianca's heroic death
blew up at the battle of the Nile, large
piece Of foremost fell into the rigging Of
the Swiftsure, an English frigate. The
latter's commander, Capt. Benjamin
Hallowell, one of Nelson's warmest
friends, at once ordered the ships ear
penter to make the fragment into coffin,
which he presented to the Admiral with
a letter expressing his hope that " the
day might be far distant when the trophy
of Nelson's greatest victory should be
his last resting place" Nelson was
greatly pleased with this characteristic
gift, which he Immediately installed in
corner Of his private cabin, and, in com
pliance with his own request, his body
was actually placed in it after his death
at Trafalgar.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09
:s;SrnL It remains true,p remarks the

Saturday Review, that Americans in
general find it hard to acclimatize them
selves in England. They land at Liver
pool, spend three days at the lakes,
where it usually rains, stop half a day
at Chester, and perhaps a day at Kenil-
worth, on their way to London, visit the
Tower, Westminster Abbey, the Zoologi-
cal Gardens and the Houses of Parlia-
ment, and then take the train to Paris.
1t is clear that they do not find the time
Pass pleasantly in England stE NY
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09
rBE Cslestiol zaapre tells of a Chin,

THE Celestial Empire tells of China
man who has lived among one of the
most peculiar tribes and gives curious
account of, their love-making When
the parents of a lad and girl think that
q match between their children will be
suitable, the latter are directed to mount
each hillock distant one hundred PAGES
or so from the other. From the summit
the girl sings or chants, and when she
has finished the lad responds in suitable
language. The parents then ask the
daughter if the youth song reciprocates
her sentiments. If she say eyes," he is
asked whether he will take her or no.
If he declines, both parties must begin
all over again on some other occasion.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09

THE recipe for the following dainty is
said to have been inherited from Alex
andre Dumas, the elder. The dainty is
called Anchois Monte Cristo: You take
a Spanish olive, and you put rolled an
chovy in the place of the kernel; then
you put the olive into an ortolan, the
ortolan into quail, the quail into a
pheasant, the pheasant into turkey,
the turkey into little pig; you roast
the latter for five hours; then you cast
away every outward envelope to the
dogs, and you keep only" "The
oliver "You glutton! the anchovyp'
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09
INrEMpERANcE among the women

IN1EMPERANcE among the women of
Springfield, Mass, has excited the ALARM
of a local temperance society. The
Republican says that two women who
were richly dressed, and who are &C
customed to move in the city's best So
ciety, went shopping while so obviously
drunk as to attract the attention of all
who saw them These are not the only
womenof good sociafposition who have
been seen in public, within few months,
the worse for wine or something stronger.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09

A MAN was standing on the corner
the other day gazing around at
nothing in particular, when friend
stepped up to him and said:
II see you have a mourning on
your hat?'
Yes, l have; it's for my mother-iD-
law"
"Your mother-in-law
eyes, my mother-in-law," replied the
man in mourning.
"Why, / didn't know she was dead?"
"Well, she isn't-she recovered"
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09

A GERMAN writer recently discussing
Germany says: Renan is right, in CALI
ing Germany the country Of caste, for in
no ether civilized country do the differ
emit nationalities religious beliefs, ranks
and industries present such impediments
to social unity as in Germany. Tbs
nobility holds aloof from the men OF
science and the scientists ignore the men
of industry and trade. The lack Of poll
teal activity, the poverty Of the people,
and the caste prejudices induce separa-
ton in society, haughtiness in the higher
classes toward the lower. and mutual
animosity.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09

A MAN who was great stickler for
etiquette, having married widow before
her period of mourning had expired,
soon after made his appearance with a
weed on his hat. On being asked as to
his reason for it, he remarked that he
considerable no more than the handsome
thing toward his lamented predecessor
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09

A WOODEN doll which William Penn
brought over from England as a present
to one of his daughters, is still cherished
by Washington family. 1t is known
as Letitia Penn, the name of the great
Quakers daughter, and is faded beauty
twelve inches high, without . joint in
its body.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09
} IT is relatedIby Hon. Charles Holmes

y 1T is relatetby Hon. Charles Holmes,
Schoharie County Judge, of certain
Justice of the Peace of his county, that
he held his Office in a building used by
him az an undertaking apartment, and
when parties were particularly stubborn
and would not settle, he caused them to
retire to a room where eight or ten cof-
fins stood around to talk over their
cause of action The Judge says that
they usually settled.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09

A ZULU assegai is between five and
seven feet in length. The pole is made
of wood, and the spear head bs-bed
shape, of metal or stone. The wound 1T
leaves is of the most frightful character,
and can better be understood by COM
parison with q fish hook torn out Of
hesh. magnifed one hundred times.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09
TOPICS or THE DAY.

FIELD bakeries form part of the train
of nearly every European army. Despite
these arrangements, it has in recent wars
been frequent found impossible to supply
the large armies with fresh bread from
day to day; and it seems likely that the
attempt to do so will be abandoned, and
biscuit issued instead of bread.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09

If anybody would invent some mucil-
age that would stick as well as fly does
to bald-headed man, he would make q
fortune. Boston Commercial Bulletin,
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09

THE salary of the new King Of Bull
garia is only $4,000 q month, and we
are consequently not sorry that we re-
fused tho crown.
The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-08-09

ENoRMous horssshoes of roses are
used in New York in place Of the mar
riage belh