The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1879-11-27
MARK TWAIN on BABIES.

MARK TWAIN on BABIES.
His Serious Talk to the Soldiers OF the
Army of the Tennessee.
Mark Twain's remarks at the banquet
of the Army of the Tennessee on the
night of November Is, at Chicago, were
in response to the following toast:
The Babies: AS they comfort as in our
sorrows, let us not forget them in our fes-
tigities. -
Now, that's something like. We hav-
emit ali had the good fortune to be Ia
dies; we haven't all been generals, or
poets, or statesmen; but when the toast
works down to the babies, we stand on
common ground-for we've all been ba.
bies. It is shame that for thousand
wears the worlds banguets have utterly
ignored the baby-as if he didn't amount
to anythingl If you, gentlemen, will
stop and think minute-if you go back
fifty or a hundred years; to your early
married life, and recontemplate, your
first baby, you will remember that ne
amounted to q good deal-and even
something over. :, i
You soldiers all know that when that
little fellow arrived at family headquar-
ters you had to hand in your resignation.
lie took entire command. You became
his lackey, his mere bodyguard; and You
had to stand around, too. He was not. a
commander who made allowances for
time, distance, weather, or anything else;
Won had to execute his order whether it
was possible or not. And there was only
one form of marching in his manual OF
tactics, and that was the double.quick.
BE treated you with every sort of inso.
lence and disrepect, and the bravest OF
you didn't dare to say word. You
could face the death storm of Donelson
aud Yicksburg, and you give back blow for
blow but when he clawed your whiskers,
and pulled your hair, and twisted your
nose, you had to takeit. When the thun-
ders of war were sounding in your
ears, you set your faces toward
the batteries and advanced with
steady tread; but when he turned on
the terrors of his war.whoop you advanc-
ed in-the other direction, and mighty
glad of the chance, too. When hecalled'
for soothing syrup, did you venture to
throw out any side remarks about certain
services being unbecoming an officer and
q gentleman? No, you got it If he
ordered his pap bottle, and it wasn't
warm, did you talk back? Not you;
YOU went to work. and warmed it. You
even descended so far in your menial
Office as to take suck at that warm, in
sipid stuff yourself to see if it was right?
three parts water to one of milk: touch
of sugar to modify the collie, and drop
of peppermint to kill those immortal
hiccoughs. can taste that stuff yet.
And how many things you learned as
you went alongl Sentimental young
folks still took stock in that beautiful old
saying that when the baby smiles in his
sleep it is because the angels are whis-
pering to him. Very pretty, but "too
thin"-simply wind on the stomach, my
friends. If the baby proposed to take
walk at his usual hour-halfpast 2 in
the morning-didn't you rise up prompt
ly and remark with a mental addition
which wouldn't improve Sunday school
much) that that was the yerything you
were about to propose yourself? Oh you
were under good discipline. And as you
went futtering up and down the room in
YOUR "undress uniform" you not only
prattled undignifed baby talk, but even
tuned up your martial voices and tried
to sing, "Rock-a-by-baby on the tree
top" for instance. What q spectacle for
the army of the Tennessee! And what
an affection for the neighbors, too, for
it isn't everybody within mile around
that likes military music at 3 in the
morning. And when you had been
keeping this sort of thing up two or three
hours, and your little velvet head init
mated that nothing suited him like exer-
else and noise, and proposed to fight it
out on that line if it took all night-"Go
on! What did you do You simply
went on till you dropped in the last
ditch. ,...-
I like the idea that baby dozen't
amount to anything. Why, one baby is
just house and a front yard full by itself;
one baby can furnish more business than
you and your whole interior department
can attend to; he is enterprising, ire
pressible,.. brimful of lawless activities
do what you please you can't make
him stay on the reservation. Sufficient
unto the day is one baby. AS long as
you are in your right mind don't yon
ever pray for twins. Twins amount to 9
permanent riot; and there amt any real
difference between triplets and an insur-
rection.
Among the three or four million era
dies now rocking in the land are some
which this nation would preserve for
ages as sacred things if we could know
which ones they are. For in one OF
these cradles the unconscious Farragut OF
the future is at this moment teething.
Think of it! and putting in word OF
dead earnest, unarticulated, but perfectly
iustifable, profanity over it, too; in an
other the future renowned astronomer is
blinking at the shining Milky Way, with
but languid interest, poor little chap,
and wondering what has become OF that
other one they call the wet nurse In
another, the future great historian IS ly-
ing, and doubtless he will continue to
lie till his earthly mission is ended; in
another, the future President is busying
himself with no profounder problem of
State than what the mischief has become
of his hair so early, and in mighty ar
raw, of other cradles there are now some
10000 future ofice-seekers getting ready
to furnish him occasion to grapple with
that same old problem second time!
And in still one more cradle somewhere
under the flag, the future illustrious COM
mander-in-chief of the American armies
is so little burdened with his approach
ing grandeurs and responsibilities as to
be giving his whole strategic mind, at
this moment, to trying to find out some
way to get his own big toe into his mouth
an achievement which (meaning no
disrespect) the illustrious guest of this
evening also turned his attention to some
ffty.siSty years ago! And if the child
is but the prophecy Of the man there are