The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1879-05-10
LEGISLATIVE FUN.

to the consulshlp at Hamburg So II was
deemed appropriate, before his retirement from
our legislative halls, that his fellow members
should testify their appreciation Of his worth
by some fitting testimonial which the Hon L..
b. Crooker, the most eloquent man in the
house, was selected to present accompanied
with remarks appropriate 10 SO high an occas-
ion, The august ceremonial took place just
before the adjournment on the 3Oth ult, and
the following was Mr. Crooker's speech;
Mr.. SPEAKER: I rise to Il question Of high
and, might add, holy privilege. AS the oc
Casion is mOmentOus one, will beg the right
of occupying the speakers platform, so that
may shine by borrowed light, and, if possible,
equal the occasion. We are sometimes rent
asunder by politics and divided upon questions
of policy, but when it comes to question OF
mutual admiration and doing honor to our col
leagues, we are united Nations have always
honored their dead, but not always their he
rocs.
Seven cities claimed illustrious Homer dead
Through which the living Homer begged his bread.
But it is left for American people to honor her
men while living. We made Grant u mai or
general, and we made Gen. Grant president;
we gave him houses, lands, horses and bull
pups and now the great state of Illinois,
through the thirty-tirst general assembly, and
it through me, its most humble and obese mem
Der, makes its obcisance and proposes to fol
low this illustrous example by appropriately
h0noring this member who is so soon to be
taken from US and transplanted to foreign
shores as a representative of American great
ness Among the early products of Illinois
soil none were more thriving or verdant than
our hero "SOmc men are born to greatness
and some have greatness thrust upon them )"
but in the case of our tavOrIte son he inherited
greatness from long and INDECENT but proli-
tc line of ancestry. He also Inherited the
meodlous surname o: Scroggs When he ar
rived at manhood he was stabbed, and in com.
memoratlon of this approach to assassination
we propose to pay tribute TO his large under
standing. His birth was ushered in by peas
of thunder and flashes Of lightning, and as he
lay pulling IN his mothers arms trowns of am
bition wrnkled his eyebrows When he dotf.
ed his swadding clothes, put on his first pair
of pants and went forth, common urchlnS were
made to respect his greatness. His mud pics
were always the largest as he insisted on hav.
ing AL ,hc mud, aud i! anycommon youth IL.
tcriered, he at once got IA dab over his right
eye. AS years passed by, Scroggs' limbs and
brain expanded until people wondered much
- Ana SUN tle wonder grew,
That one small head could compass (sic all nc knew.
Most men are obliged to address people orally
or TO embaln their thoughts in writing; bH,
Scroggs possessed dual clements of greatness
His tongue was silver-tipped and his pen dia
mond-pointed, He could write like IA poet and
talk like statesman, or he could talk like Il
poet and write like a statesman; and some
times both He TAUGHT Illinois true provincial
journalism. He mounted the stump and
dropped solid chunks of political wisdom. He
made Frew iumc furlously. He made llar
low halloo horribly, and finally, in recognition
of his greatness, people arose majestically, bu
not elegantly, and elected HIM member of the
thirty first general assembly. Here ordinary
an. hiion would have been satisfied; ordinary
ability would have been rewarded. But we
are not long to remain in possession of this
intellectual bonanza The mighty executive
| hand reached out from Washington, metaphor
| ically took our Scroggs by the slack Of his
pants, held HIM up before an admiring United
| States senate, and they with one accord shout
;, ed That's the teller we're after; that's the
chap to represent rs abroad that's the galoo
to teach these degenerate Dutchmen true re
spect for American greatness" and with one
accord they confirmed him consul to Ham
burg, While the whole Legislature of Illinois
stood up, stood back and shouted "Bullyn
| Now (said the speaker turning to ScrOggs,) as
you are about to leave our shores and be rock
ed in the cradle of the deep, we propose tt
make YOU an appropriate, ponderous and use
full present as testimonial of our esteem.
Here the speaker held up an immense pail
of wooden shoes, amid a perfect tempest OF ap
plausc and laughter from the house, now
Icrowdcd with members, senators and Specta
| tors.
! These are not Mr.. Croker continued, Il!
some inspired idiot would assume gunboats
They are not, as other Maynard lunatics woult
assert, coalchutes but they are PLAIN wOodcr
shoes. Take them, Scroggs, and wear them
but not on ordinary occasions. Poor, paif
leather must do for every day; but when mon
archs put on their crowns then put on thes,
and stamp your feet till the earth shakes
crowns tumble from off etlete kings and throne
are shaiIv.,d ia heir very foundations; and, /
n any unregcneralc Dutchman dares to wink "A
the stars and stripes, place one OF these canoe
in close proximity to his posteror and elevate
: him Then when he comes to, Il week or 81
after, and asks whether the lightning kilict
any of his neighbors, if he opens his moutl
I, make it painful for HIM again, and teach HIN
to respect American greatness. SO when yG
have done your duty, as we know you VIII
. when you can eat Limberger like true Han
burger Wlcu YOU Silitl NC ltNiNIuttl, tilIdl 70
: and revised by the use Offoaming lager, retur
| to us ful-breasted and bulbous-bottomed, an
people will receive you with open arms. ie
, sir; we, the citizens Of Illinois, will meet 20
upon the hostile borders of Indiana and escol
\ YOU to your humble home Wcwill sound tn
loud hewgag, we will whack the dumbfrizzy
: we will beat the tom-tom and We will let ml
. cellaneous things rip generally. Again, vher
t alas. llfe's fittul dream shall he DER, whe
the last fleeing breath shall have passed you
pallid lips, and when you shall have become
.sorrel angel, we will mournfully and sorrow
i, fully open the bosom Of our loved pralries an
+ Law YOU away To Judgment with suitable M
/ chanical applicanccN. We will erect thes
wooden shoes. one at your head and one {
a your feet, and write upon them an cpitaph a
complete as tongue OF poets can utter; 80 whe
postcrity goes hurrying by they will pause an
say: There were giants IN those days u
roarious applause.
/, Mr. Scroggs was then escorted 10 the Speal