, 1879-12-18
WE ALL HAVE BEEN THERE,

OF Jne hepuollN, SPC'Nu'' 'N'N ~
toasts responded to by some OF the
ablest speakers of America. "Mark
Twain" was the last speaker OF the
evening, and amid much merriment he
replied to the following toast;
"The Babies-As they comfort US in
our sorrows, let us not forget them in
our festivities
| like that. We haven't all had the
rood fortune TO be ladies' we haven't
all been generals, or poets, or statesmen
but when the toast works down to the
babies, we stand on common ground, for
we've all been babies. 1t is q shame
that for a thousand years the worlds
banquets have utterly ignored the baby,
as if HE didn't amount to anything! lfi
YOU gentlemen will stop and think
minute-;f you will go back fifty or a
hundred years, to your early married
life. and re re-contemplate your first baby,
YOU will remember that he amounted to
q good deal, and even something over.
You soldiers all know that when little
fellows arrived at family headquarters
YOU had to hand in your resignation.
HE TOOK ENTIRE COMMAND.
You became his lackey, his mere body
servant, and you had to stand around,
too. He was not commander who
made allowances for time, distance,
weather or anything else-you had to
execute his. order whether it was posi-
ble or not. And there was only one
form OF marching in his manual Of ta;7
tics, and that was the double quick. He
treated you with every sort of insolence
and disrespect, and the bravest Of you
didn't dare to say word. You could
face the death-storm of Donelson and
vicksburg, and give back blow for blow;
but when he ciawed your whiskers and
pulled your hair and thisted your nose,
YOU had to take it. When the thunders
of war were sounding in your ears, you
set your faces towards the batteries and
advanced with steady tread; but when
he turned on the terTors OF his war
whoop, you advanced in the other direc-
tion -and mighty glad Of the chance,
too. When he called for soothing
syrup, did you venture to throw out any
side remarks about certain services un-
becoming an officer and a gentleman ?
NC-you got up and GOT it. If he or
dered his pap-bottle, and it wasn't warm,
did you talk back Not you-you
went to work and war ned it. You
even descended so far in your menial
Office as to take suck at that warm, in
sipid stuff yourself to see if it was right
three parts water to one of milk, a
touch of sugar to modify the collie, and
IA drop Of peppermint to kill those i'm
mortal hiecups. / can taste that stuff
yet And how many things you
learned as you went along sentimental
young folks still took stock In that beau
tiful old saying, that when the baby
smiles in his sleep it is because the an
gels are whispering to him.
VERY PRETTY, BUT "Too THIN"
Simply wind on the stomach, my
friends If the baby proposed to take
a walk at his usual hour-2:30 in the
morning didn't you rise up promptly
and lemark-with mental addition
which wouldn't improve Sunday school
book much-that that was the very
thing you weIe about to propose your
self @, you were under good disci-
pllne. And as you went huttering up
and down the room in your "undress
uniform" you not only prattled undigni-
fed baby talk, but even turned up your
martial voices aud tried to sing 'Rock-
aby baby on the tree top" for instance.
What spectacle for an Army of the
Tennessee And what an affliction for
the neighbors, too--for it isn't every
body within a mile around that likes
military music at 3 in the morning.
And when you had been keeping this
sort OF thing up two or three hours, and
your little velvet-head intimated that
nothing suited him like exercise and
: noise-"Go on what did you do
You simply went on, till you disap.
peared in the last ditch.
The idea that baby does not amount
TO anythingl Why, one baby is Just a
house and front yard full by itself
oSg BABY CAN FURNISH MORE BUSINESS
Than you and your whole interior de
partment can attend to- He is enter.
Prising, irrepressible, brim-full of law
less activities Do what you please you