The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1879-12-20

4
we say big, bigger, biggest, it's di-
mansions are not half told; besides,
it can assume more shapes, sizes,
colors, character and moods, than
any thing else, living or dead. 1t
! can be saint or sinner, wise or fool
ish, mournful or merry, rich or poor,
politician, preacher, President, doc
tor or lawyer. 1t is very popular
and attractive bug-!lts teeth are
keen, and it is sure to bite wherever
you touch it; but the popularity of
its bite is, that no sooner does the
wound heal, than we seek its bite
again, again and again; it is always
noving-omniscient and omnipre sent.
In no other country, or continent,
does this bug grow so large, because
no where else so well fed or patron
lied. And perhaps it is we'll that it
is so, for if the other quarters of the
Globe were as full Of humbuggery
as ours, the earth might jump from
its orbit to chase the 9ilded tail of a
comet, and be lost in space. Hum
buggery then is par excellence an
American institution. What other
people will of choice let go buffalo
to chase gilded butterfly? What
'other people would sooner stride the
gilded back of the auroraboreali S
and ride to pomp and pleasure, than
to ride an Angels wings to Paradise !!
England produced Milton and &
Shakespeare; America, Beecher
and a Barnum. Carthage produced
Hannibal, Greece an Alexander;
but none but America could produce
a Grant or Butler. Where else
could Beecher be esteemed a Saint;
or Barnum benefactor; Grant q
Statesman; or Butler Hero9
Where else would men, for the sake
of little cheap notoriety, push
a wheelbarrow, as empty IS their
heads, across q continent, and cause
an enlightened press Of the country
to herald the exploit. Where else
will women, for the sake of notoriety,
and to be seen of men, turn pedes
trian, roll up their silken trains, and
stride four feet to the jump, and the
country tremble for the result?
What other country, nearer than
PandemoRium, can support so many
boat clubs, base ball clubs or glee
clubs, as ours? Where else do the
tncidentals of an enterprise cost
more than the substdatials? or the
trimmings more than the fabric?
Where else do the number or saving
| qualities of the ministers sermon de-
pend so much on the amount of has sal
arg? Or where does ladies attend
anec at Church depend so much on the
! number of new dresses she gets; Or
where else will delicate women walk
half score of miles, with babe on
one arm, and bucket of berries on
the other. to see the elephant? Where
else will people spend their last dime
to get bitten by this mysterious and
mammoth bug, and the next day
starve for bread? Or, where else do
Christian people draw So heavily up
on the means and charities of the
people to build fine and costly
Churches, and then choose to go to
the bushes to break bread? Or what
other people SO much prefer glitter to
gold? What other people so wicked
yet so pious? SO divided and yet uni
ted? Or what other people can vio-
late all the commandments, standing
at the pearlygates of Heaven? Where
else is it so hard to distinguish be-
tween saint and sinner? Or where
else, if you please, will an editor
condemn humbuggery in all its phas-
es and characters; and at the first
opportunity publish its coming and
puff its virtues, for the sake of a
free ticket to its august presence:
These are but few of the shapes,
phases and characters of the Ameri-
can bug, of which we could fill a
book as large as Webster's Una
bridged, and then be only half be-
gun; but, after all, we do not mean
to say that all Americans are hum
bugs, or all Americanisms humbug-
isms; far from it, for we have the
good as well as the bad; the real as
we'll as the unreal; the useful as
we'll as the useless; and with all, a
people and a country, with institu
tions, if equalled, surely not excel
ed, on our globe. Wherefore, we say,
Hurrah for America with her Hum
bugery, and thrice hurrah for her
! xr;fhouf n