The Leavenworth weekly times., 1879-06-05
TALK WITH MARA TWAIN

could De no mistake about.
sTALk WITH MARA TWAIN.
Why lie Doesn't ~ rite n Funny Book
Sbou; Ensland-POkinG Fun at III
ties.
4 Paris correspondent Of the New York
Word gives a tie q tete with Mark Twain.
wherein the humorist is made to discourse
thus:
| Finally came the inevitable question,
| "Why have you never written book about
England"
! ~ have spent great deal Of time in
| England iyour question is not new one to
| mel and made world Of notes, but it was
of 10 use. l couldn't get any fun out Of
| England. II Is too grave a country. And
| its gravity soaks into the stranger and
| makes him. as serious as everybody else.
| When | was there | couldn't seem to think
OF anything but deep problems of govern
ment, taxes, free trade, finance; and every
night / went to bed drunk with statistics.
could have written a million books, but
my publisher would have hired the cons
| mon haugman to burn them. One is bound
| to respect Ensland-she is is one of the
| three great republics of the worid-in some
| respects she is the most real OF the three,
| too, and in some other respects she isn't, but
she is not . good text for hilarious li,era-
| ture. No, there wasn't anything to satirize
| what | mean is, you couldn't satirize any
| given thing in England in anything but 3
| hali.hearted way, because your conscience
| told you to look nearer home and you
| would find that very thing at your own
door. \ man with hump-backed uncle
| mustn't make fun Of another, mans cross
| eyed aunt.
| The English love for the lord, for in
| stance? 1 don't mean the Lord OF the
| prayer book, but the lord of the peerage.
| ! couldn't growl at the English love for
| titles while our own love Tor titles was
| still more open to sarcasm. Take our
Hon" for instance. Unless my memory
| has gone wholly astray, no man in Amer
| ica has any right TO stick that word before
his name to do it is a shame, and a very
poor shame ct thst. At the beginning OF
| this century members OF the two Houses OF
Congress were referred to simply a. "Mr."
| So-and-So. But this sham "Hon" has
since crept in, and now it ia unlawfully
| conferred upon members OF the State Leg
is,ature and even upon the Mayor and city
| Councillors OF the pa!triest back settlements.
| Follow the thing a little turtle. 10 Eng
land temporary titles are dropped when
| their time Is up. The Lord Mayor Of
London is addressed az My Lord" all
through his year of office, but the moment
he is out he becomes plain "Mr." again.
| But with US, once Hon" always "Hon :"
| once "tTovernor," always Governor" |
| know men who were members OF Legisla-
lures, or Mayors Of villages, twenty years
| ago, and they are always mentioned in the
psuers as the 'Hon." to this day. / know
people who were Lieutenant Governors long
ago, and they are called Governor" TO
| this day-yet the highest title they have
ever had any right to, in office or out OF
| it, was plaiu "Mr" You see, yourself, it
wouldn't quite answer for me 10 poke fun
at title-loying Englishmen-l should hear
something squeal behind me and find that
| had stepped on the tail of come ex-ofiicial
| monkey of our own. / couldn't satIrizs
the English Civil Service il was excel
lent, and ours wasn't; it was open to
everybody, rich or poor, conspicuous or
| obscure, whereas ours was only open to
scrubs who would do political dirty work
for public enemies like Mr.. Conkling, to
use the obsequious legal phrase Of the
day. ! couldn't venture to be sarcastic
about the horrible corruption Of English
officials, for how could i know but that
something of the same kind, in a minor
degree, might be discovered among our own
officials at any moment? / could not poko
fun at the "court column" which daily
sets forth the walking and driving and din
ing achievements Of Kings and Queens and
Dukes, while our own papers have a still
longer court column Of personals" wherein
the movements of half a dozen Permanent
Celebrities, dozen Evanescents and two
dozen Next-to- Nobodies are dulv and daily
recorded. | couldn't satirize English JUS
tice, for it was exactly Ike cur own and
every other country's. That is to cay
there didn't appear to be any particular
rule in the matter Of penalties. In New
York | have known an Irishman to be
sentenced TO a months confinement for
nearly killing his wife, and another man to
be Jailed for dreary long term for stealing
blanket. Now here is some English JUS
tice-these two paragraphs are taken from
yesterdays StradGrd::
A strange case OF cruelty came before the
stipendlary magistrate this morning. An
elderly woman was charged with assaulting
her niece. The allegations were that the
child had been beaten with undue severity
until much bruised, and che was washed in
turpentire and salt, causing great agony.
The defense was a denial, and that the
child was incorrigible. The Bench, COM
menting on the undue severity of the pun
ishment, imposed fine of ls and costs.
NORTHAMPTON.
At the Police Court to-day John Old wac
summoned BY the Society for the preven-
ton of Cruelty to Animals for gross cruelty
TO doc. The evidence showed that the
prisoner had brutslly ill-trea.ed the ami
NAL. He was seen to dash it against the
stones and kick it repeatedly in the streets.
He afterwards severely wounded it by
20 bury it while still alive, but vas pre-
vented. The animal died soon after from
the effect Of the prisoners i'll usage. Old
was sentenced to q months hard labor Uithort
the option oia fRs.
"The italics are mine. You see, if you
treat dog inhumanly you can't get of
with fine; you must 60 to prison for a
month at hard labor. But if you treat q
little girl ihhumanly you catch . scsthing
lecture from the Bench, and you have to
pay fine of twenty-five entire cents be-
sides and stand the costs on top of that.
No, / whitfield my opportunities down to
this: One could fling criticisms at the ILL.,
matched colors of English ladies' dresses,
he could poke fun AZ the peddling OF ser
mons and reversions of 'slivines,' and say
sarcastic things about various other trifies,
but after his book was finished there
wouldn't be fun enough in It to keep the
reader from dying of melancholy. No. 1
looked the ground all over, there's nothing
funny in England"
L aItyl- ILL.,. Sl,> Ea~l;.h hn..a-nu. ~