The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1879-10-09
MINNESOTIANS CARICATURED.
LEARNED FROM An ENTECSIAS-
TIC MINNEsOTIAN.

Willie 2. Hawkins (Ben Wilde,) one
of the editors of the Aurora (Ill.) News,
formerly resided in this state, and re-
turning for a visit few weeks ago, to
escape the malaria of Suckerdom, and
quartered at Elmo, writes letter to his
paper, in which he caricatures the enthu
siasn of the average Minnesotian in q
way that he will dispise, as the following
extracts will show:
care not your winters terribly severe"
] asked.
"Severe! [ should say not. Why,
there isn't day in December or January
that man can't, with perfect comfort,
go to his business in his shirt Sleeves
Our winters are very mild. I've seen
men plow in November and make hay in
February. Frequently we go in swim
ming in January. just to cool OFF. ;"
"But," said I, 'Tve heard that mer-
curry goes very low in that state in win
ter"
"It's the fault of the mercury. 1t
hasn't got acclimated when it goes down
like that. Take old mercury that has
been in the state long time and it never
goes below 81 in winter
"Do the people get sick frequently?"
s'Sick, What's that"
"Well," 1 explained, "do the people
enjoy good healtb2"
''Health! Oh, now [ see! l should
say SO. Why, o man came over from
Wisconsin the other day and fell in front
of a reaper so that the sickle cut off both
of his legs and head and then the mules
kicked his body half way round the field
Did he live2 OF course he lived. But
lis foolish friends came over from Wis
consin, gathered up the pieces and cart
ed them back to Wisconsin. He died in
less than ten seconds after he left the
Minnesota shore. But there was one
leg that they didn't find until the next
week. When they did come across it it
started off on run, al ] last seen of it it
was picking off toward the center of the
state like walking match. If they don't
catch it and take it out of the state, our
Minnesota scientists will think man
will grow up from tbat leg"
'sYou have good many lakes?" I said.
eyes; seven million of them have been
discovered, and there are twice as many
more that have not yet been found"
DO people ever drown in them2"
"Lor' no; man can live in one of
those lakes nine months and never think
of drowning. let my Youngest boy go
swimming last February in lake in our
back yard and havn't seen him since;
but I'm not in the least concerned about
him. I'm pretty certain he went down
in about six hundred feet Of water; but,
heavens! he'll come out when he gets
ready"
GLOW is business up there?'
"Business! Why, we don't call busi-
ness anything in Minnesota. We don't
have anything that corresponds to the
Illinois definition of that word. It's just
pastime for us to rake in three OF four
thousand dollars q day. Oh, it's just
like finding it, only that you don't have
to take the trouble to stoop down and
pick it up
Lets see, they raise some wheat in
Minnesota, don't they2"
"Raise wheat, Who raises wheat? No,
sir, decidedly no, sir. 1t raises itself.
Why, if we undertook to cultivate wheat
in that state it would run us out. There
wouldn't be any place to put our houses. }"
''But I've been told that grasshoppers
take good deal of it,
'Of course they do. If they didn't l
don't know what we would do. The
cussed stuff would run all over the state
and drive us out-choke us up. Those
grasshoppers are God-send, only there
amt enough Of EN-
''Is the wheat nice and plump"
Plump! Well don't know what you
call plump wheat, but there are seventeen
in our family, including ten servants, and
when we want bread we just go out and
fetch in kernel of wheat and bake it. :"
"Do you soak it in water frst2"
"Oh, no, that wouldn't do; it would
swell little, and then we couldn't get it
III our range even."
| began to feel sort of dizziness, and,
excusing myself, went out, stood on the
rear platform, and matured the belief
and when George Washington said: II
cannot tell lie," he must have been
speaking comparatively after hearing
some Minnesota man talk of his state.