The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1879-11-13
PASSING SMILES.
To keep warm-get coaled.
SPARE ribs are ripe enough to pick.

To keep warm-get coaled.
SPARE ribs are ripe enough to pick.
The chestnut crop reports are all in.
THE Indian ilIuminates with fire.
water. fi''''i' 3 ''-'iis-9 tsit
JOB was probably the first doctor, a.
he had patients.
JONAH is reported to have been the
first man who struck oil.
MEN whose business drives them to
the wall-bill posters.
4 PEDESTRIANS go-as-they-please = ser
want girls go-when-they-please.
SORROWS and woman's age grow less
and less every time they are told. -.
A LONDON paper says, Women mako
tolerable wives" Who, then, make in
tolerable ones? 175 73dl
PUPIL-"I know how many days
there are in year-three hundred and
sixty-five and fourth" Parent" Is
that so? Where does that fourth come
in7' Pupil" Fourth Of July"
A CELEBRATED German chemist, to
whom was addressed the question,
What is man p promptly replied, "A
pinch Of phosphorus and bucketful OF
water"
A MUD turtle can neither fly, sing,
gallop, cry or go blackberrying, and yet
If they are let alone, they get along just
as well as the young man who tries to be
funny at lawn party. ii 7i. ~.
ONLY one out Of every ten, members
| of the British House of Commons is
| lawyer, while three out of every four OF
our House of Representatives have
"plead at the barr - li..o -
| Ii OF course it's wrong to "use big,
big D !" but when YOU discover that youI
wife had been using your razor to cut her
fnger-nails with, what else can you say
We leave it to candid public.
"YoU seem sad and detected tonight,
Claude, dear" eyes, darling; men of
nv emotional nature are not easily af-
fected either by the smiles or frowns of
fortune" His washerwoman had dis
charged him. g. h9vis9zI Z I!fi $50
"THE Emperor of Germany reads the
Bible every morning" You wouldn't
think it, to hear what he says in the
night, when he hears the fire bells ring
ing and, can only find one boot and no
i matches.
FAT has its advantages, but no one
ever gives it credit for emotion, and yet
we have seen fat man weep. 1t was
a melting and beautiful sight, and the
country for several miles around was
greatly benefited. la8,-}f RS fss4
A NEW song is called "Oh Stay With
Me, My Darling, Stay" But the young
man looked at the clock and said he
must get home in time for breakfast, as
he had over half mile to drive. Then
he bit her on the lips and left. .
THE following advertisement appeared
in the Rochdale, England, Observer, of
June 26: "On sale-a set of teeth, the
owner having no use for them, having
nothing to chew on account of bad
tImss; F4esho,d aREpll'y aREgpl'y No, z Burgess street.
els Mike doin' we'll in the new coun-
thry?" asked Mikes father Of a friend
who had just returned to old Erin from
America. "Doin' well, is it?" replied
Mixes friend. "Shure an ye may well
say So Yell niver find Mike without
quart av the best twenty-five cent
whiskey in the house." ag4
THE Steubenville Herald contains this
startling, but pleasing announcement:
"Watch the credit opposite your name.
We want all arrears settled up" Yes,
we've been watching it. 1t says x.
We presume you know how much that
is. Please forward without delay" q
A MAN read that he should endeavor
to draw something useful from every
thing he saw, and nobly resolved to profit
by the teaching. That night when ths
moon was shining, he essayed to draw q
number of useful cord wood sticks from
his neighbor's wood-pile, and got filled
SO full of rock-salt out of gun, that he
won't be able to taste anything fresh fol
'''1 A Al PHYsfcf1N should Know something
of the human heart. Nine. de c.
sends for her medical adviser, and as
soon as she sees him, she bursts out with,
doctor, I am i'll my nerves are out
of order-I feel melancholy-I"-
The doctor, interrupting her" The fact
is, you want q change" "Just so"
"Well, then, send your husband to the
country"
aHALLo, old man, what's wrongi
You look pretty pale about the giiis
Sick?' "Sick? l have been sick, and
you'd be sick, too, if you had ridden five
hours in a railway carriage with youi
back to the engine" But why % dian =
you change seats with somebody
aHow could 1? l was all alone in the
| cOmDaTImeQb. lH0It WINS uO ouo IA eAS
opposite seat to change with me.-Boston
/ Courier. s4 = /,
A LADY walking down street, the
other day, while she cast fur-tive glances
| at the store windows, was heard to re-
mark: ''That husband ermine is such
an old muff he won't get me new sett
this fall. I've a notion to gopher new
boa that sable to furnish such things AZ
he had otter. He'll have to beavery
careful; if l catch him trading with
young mink again, Pll make him pull
his weasel, or seal his destiny for him
won't bear it any longer, so noww
4 YoUNG PoET-You have some poetic
fancy, but your poem will never be &C
cepted by an magazine in the world. Ii
is sufficient to say that anybody can
understand it. The poem of the period
must be an enigma, rebus, conglom-
Grafton of the vast, the infinite, the
J homeopathic, the perpetual, and the
serio-hieroglyphic. You take our mean
ing? Write for lunatics, not for men Of
sense, and you will succeed.
Parting Words.
Brother Gardner closed recent ex-
hortation as follows "Brothers, in
paoin' off our var'us ways to our var us