The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1879-02-06
Mark Twain as a Candidate,

/ have pretty much made up my
mind to run for President. What the
country wants is a candidate who cannot
be injured by investig ton of his past
history, so that the enemies of the
party will he unable to rake up against
him things that nobody ever heard of
before If you know the most about a
candidate, to begin with, every attempt
to spring things on him will be check
mated. Now | am going to enter the
field with an open record. am going
to own up in advance to all the wicked
ness l have done, and if any Congress
sional committee is disposed to prov
around nay biography in the hope o.
finding any dark and deadly deed
which l have secreted, why, let tprowl.
In the first place, admit that | did
tree rheumatic grandfather of mine in
the winter of 1859 He was old and
inexpert at climbing trees. But with
heartless brutality that is characteristic
Of me, l ran him out of the front door
in his night-shirt at the point of a shot
gun, and caused him to bowl up maple
tree, where he remained all night, while
l empticd shot into his legs. | did this
because he snored. l will do it again if
l ever have another grandfather. l am
as lnhuman now as | was in 1859. No
rheumatic person shall snore in my
house.
candidly acknowledge that l ran
away at the battle of Gettysburg. My
friends have tried to smooth over this
fact BY asserting that l merely got be-
hind tree, that | did so for the purpose
of initiating Washington, who went into
the woods at Valley Ford to pray 1t
is miserable subterfuge. | struck out
in straight line for the Tropic of Can
GER simply because | was scared. |
wanted my cou tr5 saved, but | pre-
ferrcd to have SOL ,ody else save it. |
entertain that preference yet. II the
bubble of reputation can be obtained
ing to go there for it, providing the can
non is empty. If it is loaded my i'm
mortal and inhexible purpose is to get
suddenly over the fence and 90 home.
My invariablc practice in war has been
to take out of a fight two thirds more men
than l took in. This seems to be Napo-
leonic in its grandeur.
My financial views are of the most de
cided character, but they are not likely.
perhaps, to increase my popularity with
the advocates of imitation or contraction
! do not insist on the special supremacy
of rag money or paper money. The
great fundamental principle of my life is
to take any kind | can get.
Tnc rumor that | buried 4 dead aunt
under one OF my grape vines is founded
upon fact The vines needed fertili2ing
my aunt had to be buried. and | dedica-
ted her to this high purpose. Does that
unit me for the Presidency The con
stitution OF our country does not say SO.
No other citizen was ever considered
unworthy of Office because he enriched
his grape vines with his relations. Why
should be selected as the first victim of
an absurd prejudice
admit, also, that | am not friend
to the poor man. j regard the poor
man, in his present condition, as so much
wasted raw material. Cut up and prop
erly canned, he might be made useful to
fatten the natives of the Cannibal
Islands and to improve our export trade
with that region. shall Recommend
legislation upon the subject in my first
message. My campaign will be, "Des-
iccate the poor workingman Stuff him
into sausa9es ~
These are about the worst part OF my
record. On them come before the
country. If my country don't want me,
! will go back again. But recommend
myself AS safe mana man who starts
from the basis OF total depravity, and
proposes to be tiendish to the last.