Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1879-04-03
THE FROZEN NOSE THAT WON A
WIDOW.


sparkled on the house-tops and danced
everywhere; and lighted by that great
host Of scintillating stars, which twinkled
their happiest wrinkles and seemed bub-
bling over with merriment because it
was Christmas eve. A spirit of brisk
good humor pervaded every animate
thing. The policeman, buttoned to the
chin, paraded his beat with martial
ar, on quick time, pausing only to ex-
change friendly word with the girl who
attended to the peanut-stand or to
warm his hands at the charcoal furnace.
The very hack horses switched their
tails in glee and started off at q brisker
gait, while the driver Whistled his live
hest tune. A crowd of belated purchas-
ers crowded the streets, jostling one an
other good-naturedlv and bobbing in
and out of toy-shops and confectioner-
les, burdened with great packages of
Christmas goods.
We follow only two-a pair of genial
gentlemen, who threaded their way,
arm-in-arm, with much difficulty.
Bearing no bundles to indicate that they
had been shopping, it was still apparent
to the practical observer that they had
been spending their money freely, and
investing literally at the numerous bar
rooms which had come In their way.
There was that suggestive disconnection
III their conversation, and that SUSPECT
Gus unsteadiness in their walk, and that
abundant caution exercised in crossing
streets, which betray the conviyalist in
spite of all his efforts. Rather paradox
ically, the farther these cronies advanc-
ed the less progress they made, as their
difficulties Of locomotion increased at
every step, and they found it necessary
to make frequent halts In friendly cof-
fee-houses, in order to rest their weary
limbs, warm their benumbed fingers
and sample the excellent egg-nog with
which they were continually tempted.
1T is a long ways between Saloons"
seemed to be the burden of their re
marks, which, indeed, was but a slight
variation In words, and none at all in
effect, from the famous observation
made by ihe governor of North Carroll
M to the governor of South Carolina, to
wit: cts long time between drinks"
Finally, however, they visited their last
saloon and dispatched their last glass of
egg-nog, after which, with their arms
twined most affectionateiy about each
other, they turned down Longwcrth
street in search of their lodgings.
Sad to relate they had arrived at that
state of intoxication when we may safe
ly say they were muddled, or-ifthe ex-
preston is more forcible, most wofully
drunk, and, being unaccustomed to this
condition, the finding of their place of
abode was a task of greater magnitude
than one would suppose. Through
pluck, perseverance, or good luck, how
ever, they at last found themselves gaz-
ing stupidity on tin sign inscribed "Pri-
yate Boarding" tackled upon a house
which they agreed, after heated debate,
was their own. They fumbied time
at the key-hole before effecting an en-
trance, and then, with many maudlin
go0d-nights in the hall, they sought
there respective apartments and beds.
Tucked away between her warm
blankets, and blissfully ignorant Of the
dissipation into which her boarders had
plunged, peacefully slept and sweetly
dreamed, the buxom little widow who
presided over this house. Buxom she
was, indeed. and so decidedly hand
some that it were beyond the pale OF
reason to believe she would long remain
in widows weeds. So cheerful, so
sprightly, so very fascinating was she,
that boarders focked to her little es-
Enlistment, quite contented, if they re-
ceive no more substantial nourisnment,
to subsist on the smiles and sweet
words of the widow Lamar.
The festive gentlemen already intro
duced, Jack Rogers and Bob Carter,
printer and sewing machine agent, res
pectiyely; were both widow struck.
They sat at her table daily, quaffing in
sipid coffee and devouring doubtful
hash, but superlatively happy while
basking in the light of her resplendent
eyes and the sunshine of her smiles.
Each of them really had designs on the
widows heart and home, and each an
ticipated the time when he should hap
PLY possess the plump little lady with
all her charms, and reign as lord and
master of the clearinghouse.
Rogers was quite gentleman, who
worshipped his iadmordta in silence.
He was possessed of numerous manly
attractions, such as a superb form, a
piercing eye and luxuriantly flowing
beard, but, as if to mock the advantages
already bestowed upon MIN, nature had
been rather extravagant in the con-
struction of his nose. This nose, which
performs an important part in our
story, is probably worthy of detailed
description. but the briefness of our
narrative precludes anything more than
the observation that it was a remarka-
bly, prominent nose, of the Roman per-
suasion, which was peculiarly adapted
to pulling, blowing and snuf-taking.
Be that as it may, the widow had been
heard to remark that it was a well-dis-
posed nose, indicative of intelligence
and a pleasant disposition, upon which
hint, fragile as it may seem to you, Jack
founded his hopes.
Bob Carter, the garrulous sewing ma
chine man, was dapper little fellow,
confident, conceited and effeminately
pretty. He attacked the widows afec-
tons IN a dashing way, which, after all,
is the proper mode of attack, and was
ready to swear, that he could have her
hand at the asking, any time. So fully
assured was he of this, in his own mind
that he did not regard anybody else in
the light of a competitor at all, and
therefore he was on the kindest terms