The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1879-03-15
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
great many men are Of opinion that a GER
tain quantity OF wine is good for q man. 1t is
the uncertain quantity that hurts him.
You ought to husband your coal more, >"
said the charity woman. '' l always dose.
makes him silt ashes and pick the cinders."
In divorce suit in Iowa the wiie's complaint
was that her husband rubbed her nose with q
nutmeg CRATER. The Judge said he never heard
of n CRATER crime.
Some peoples ideas OF religion are about as
sensible as those OF the woman who gave to poor
soldier who had lost both legs tract on the sin
OF dancing.
The father Of q st. Louis bride presented his
son-in-Iaw with $4,000 head of cattle. " Papa,
dear" exclaimed his daughter when she heard of
it, "a that was 50 kind Of you Charley's awfully
fond Of oxtail soup"
What city in France is a man about to visit
when he goes to get married? He is going to
HaVre (haVe her)- An old bachelor being asked
the question promptly replied, " To Rouen"
(ruin).
A special telegram from Edison in New York
to Punch in London, says: "Just discovered
method Of lighting drawing room by means Of
the electricity generated by stick Of sealing-wax
AMI n tOm-eat. Specifications by mail. Sell gas
shares short"
Etiquette writes to the Journal Of Commerce
to know what is meant by full dress ball. We
think it was n. r. Willis who once said full
dress ball was entertainment where the
dresses began too late and did not leave of early
enough.
good story is told Of New Haven c0lOred
preacher, who, when his church was out Of COM
munion wine recently, called on dealer to get
more, and. on being asked what kind he wanted,
replied that Z" some OBJ de ladies OBJ de cOngrega-
shun had expressed preference for gin."
Rutland lawyer, in referring to some prison
ers, addressed the jury as follows: - L tell you
their knees shook shook the knees OF Beltiheez-
er, when Paul said unto him Thou art the
man" And Biddeford advocate, blushing at
the conduct OF his opponents client, shouted in
open court :. Tell it not in Gath, publish it not
in the streets Of jerusalem"
A clergyman said that he once visited a lady
Of his parish, who had Just lost her husband, in
order to offer consolation; and upon her earnest
inquiries as 10 the reunion Of families in heaven
he strongly asserted his belief in that fact, and
when she asked with anxiety whether any time
must elapse before friends would be able to find
each other in the next world, he emDhatically
said, 80 No. they will be united at once" He
was shrinking Of the happiness Of being able to
offer the relief OF such faith, when she broke in
upon his meditations by exclaiming sadly, ''Well,
his first wife has got him by this time!''
80 This Is an ice morning said Pericles to
AIcibiades with grave smile. - Yaas - re-
plied Alcibi, with q grin Of triumph, " and
that's now name for 1t :" And then they shook
hands and hawhawed over it till they cried
inst as IL they had not both read the puns long
before in the tattered joke-books of the Lacede-
mOnians.-GTdPhie.
widow, intending to succeed her husband
in the management of hotel, advertised that
the hotel will be kept by the widow of the
landlord, Mr.. Brown, who died last summer on
n new and improved plan" \ coroner's YER
dict read thus: Z" The deceased came to his
death by excessive drinking, producing apoplexy
in tue mind Of the jury" country paper
saws " A child was run over by wagon three
wears old, and eross-eyed, with pantalets on"
He had been sitting still so long that the
mother expected to find him asleep when she
looked around and asked a. Well, Harry, what
are YOU thinking Of?'' " Ma, are we very rich ~
he solemnly inquired. BY way of reply, 80 In
one way we are,' she said, "yOur father says
he values me at three million dollars, you at
two millions, and the baby at One." That
closed the conversation on that subject, but
next morning as Harry was getting on his over
coat, he examined the new patch which had
been added, and coOlly observed 80 Well, l
think father had better sell of about half OF
YOU or the whole of the baby and get the rest
Of us some decent duds to put on.''-DefrOH
Free Press
Svmpathy always indicates 4 certain refine
nent Of nature but it is sometimes curiOusly
misplaced. The Siamese twins were on exhibit
ton, and among the spectators was an Irishman
who had an original way of looking at things.
lie told a friend who was standing at his side
tbak the most fortunate thing in the world was
that they were brothers, because If they had
bseu strangers to each other they would never
have been able TO get on together
Would you mind readin' this for me, sir
can't read myself" It was a snow shOveller on
Walnut street that spoke, as he handed over an
envelope, enclosing telegram, which read
Nashville, January Q, 1879. will arrive at
Louisville by the three O'Clock train this evening
Jerry A. TAFT" &" Will you read it again, sir !?
asked the snow shOveller. 1t was read again
"a You said it was signed Jerry 4. TAFT" ''Thai
was the name.' - Please read it once more
His request complied with. - Ii goes righ
straioht aIong-iust them ere words, without any
bitehin' or stumbIin2' - Just that way ''I
can's be Jerry, then, it can't be jerry he mus
cd 81 Jerry couldn't say that many words with
out stutterin' al to pieces, to save his life
Smart fellow trying to fool me, but / am toe
There is n certain want Of logical sequence il
a boy's mind which - appalling. After being
toId that he ought always to spit out the skins o
,~rnnes because they were unhealthy, he eamt
e.rass the story Of Jonah. lie reasoned that If tn
yboIe would swallow one man he would not OBJ
;ect 40 another, and that he was probably in th
habit Of exercising the throat muscles wheneve
g onportunity presented Still his mind linger
a on the grupes, and IN some unfortunate wa,
6e cot the two subjects mixed, for he said to hi
mother, - Do yOu think the whale always spit
ont the skins 2''