The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1879-05-31
VARIETY.

II lady should knit black scarf for her
young man, wouldn't it be erowshade?
One Of our horsemen calls his latest purchase
Regulator, because oil the other horses 60 by
him.
The amount OF pin-money required by the
married women depends on whether she uses
diamond puns or rolling pins.
Though the average small boy may steal away
and eat a watermelon all by himself, he never
refuses to divide his medicine with little sister.
Ii may be for years and it NAV be forever"
was the tune he hummed as he took his place in
the dock to receive his sentence for burglary.
In this busy land man is always liable to be
aroused from bis slumbers, but in Ireland they
never wake person until he is dead.
80 Perdidi dime as the ancient Roman philo-
sopher remarked, when feeling in his pockets for
the elusive coin wherewith to pay for his matu-
tinal roOster-narratiye.- Traveller.
The pedestrian fever has even extended to the
most secluded precincts Of the family circle. We
hear of several young ladies Of highly respectable
parents in this city who are in training to walk,
and nearly all Of them under two years of
age.
Il takes n drug clerk Of broad Judgment and
liberal views, and a calm, statesmanlike control
OF bis features, to know how to give citizen the
l right kind Of syrup in bis soda-water when the
husband.
A short time ago Danbury man had forty
dollars stolen from him. The thief subse-
quently struck with remorse and sent back twenty
dollars, with note to the effect that as soon as
he received more remorse he would send back
the rest.-DdH6Ty Ne1cs.
Arabela (after three months abroad)-" Brid-
get, je prize to use extreme care when busting
the articles Of yertu- the bric-a-brac and cera-
mics" Bridget Sure, nam L understand
what ye says, but don't know what ye name"
The dairymsid pensiveIy miIked the goat,
And POgting. she Paased 70 3, muttsr: lutte. tn.
And the animal TUNED to butt her.
An exchange says: You can't advertise enough
in q week to last q whole year, any more than
you can eat enough in seven days to last 365;
and vet some so-eaIled business men and boarding
house keepers seem TO think so.
The irst waIking-match on record must have
been when Satan went up and down the earth.
Don't see it Why, yes; peripatetic Lucifer-
waIkinx-match, eh p s.. Adams Advertiser.
The william who perpetrated that wouldn't be
going around Lueifer proper spirit prevailed in
the community where he lIves.-S. +. Chronicle.
Both Of you should be Satan.
Women were never cut out for professional
base ball players. A determined woman can do
most anything, but she can't slide il on the home
base, bark her shins, sprain her shoulder, put |
three fingers out Of joint, and then get up smiling
as sweetly as il she were eating mOlasses taffy,
while waiting for her best fellow to take her to
the circus EL1lira Ga=SIe-
Augustus, did you think to take my hymn |
book out OF the rack after service this morning 2"
a. L did't love" "Oh what q shame lt isn't |
bit fashionable this year to leave books in pews
and besides that binding was 30 outrc. Ii does
seem If we were just beset by calamities wher-
ever We go."-Y0Hker GG=ette-
+" Have you given electricity trial for your COM
plainE, madam?' asked minister, as he took
tea NTH an old lady. H Electricity ." said she.
lightning last summer and hove out OF the win
dow, but il did't seem to do me no sort Of good"
Nv son would you like to steal one Of those
melons p - Yes, SIR the prompt reply.
.. You would, eh / am sorry TO hear that. If
YOU should steal one OF those melons, my boy, do
YOU know what the result might be ?" The lad
scratched his head, surveyed the pile again, and
answered % 'spect the plaguey things would
be green all the way through ''-DetroH Free
. Press
Huxley is about to deliver new course of lee
lures adducing fresh proof that mankind original
Iy had tails lie may probably be able to show
that man was originally a wag, but he cannot
convince US that be column Of humorous
paragraphs in daily paper. Nor was the wag'
much Of an author, because his tail was not con-
tinued.-NoTriStOIrn Herald.
.sAre YOU the saleswoman Of whom bought
this l1DkerCOlcl yS5lcluAy ASkCu puASHocA ~
at one flour dry goods stores 81 am the salesady
who served you, madam, responded the reduced
Empress IN banged hair, long watch-chain, and
ringed fingers, who presided ut the counter.
ssWeIl, ;" said the customer, IS will take dozen
more, and as wish TO get them to my washer
lady at once, will get you to send them to my
carriage around the corner. Ny coach-gentleman
cannot get to the door just now for the cart oil the
ash gentleman"
An English lady at the Court of Vienna with
whom an 'sImperiaI Highness" danced three times
on the same evening, hattered by his attention,
frankly expressed her qualification at the compll-
ment 81 did not intend 1t as a compliment,
was the answer. a. Then" said the lady ''yOur
Highness must be very fond Of dancing" "I
detest dancing" was the unsatisfactory response.
a. What, then, may ask, can be your Imperial
Hizhness's motive for dancing?" Madame" !" was
the exalted personage's curt reply, "my medical
attendant advises me to perspire."
Incongruities will sometimes occur, not in
spite Of fate, but because fate seems to take a
sort Of sarcastic delight in producing them A
man who weighs several hundred pounds Is al
most always deluded into taking for wife
woman small enough to wear as charm on his
v-atcb chain. Only the other day we heard OF q
man who was nearly seven feet high, while his
wife was considerably less than i've leet The
minister tried to dissuade them, but the groom
simply replied, ~ Well, sir, the long and the
short or it is''-when the clergyman broke IN
a.