The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1879-03-29
VARIETY.

Some men are socOnstituted that they can even
look at n mule and say, So We are fearlully and
wonderfully made -
IL does not follow that the clergy would make
good railroad men because they are we'll versed in
the art Of coupling.
The fundamental difficulty with human nature,
and the cause Of half the disappOintments Of life,
is that men are always trying to get cider out of
the barrel with straw that is too short to reach
the cider.
The devil runs an immense mandatory of ex-
euses They are Of all sizes and shapes, suited TO
eyery possible occasion, and such is the demand
for them that it is impossible to OverstOck the
market.
IL is considered quite proper to call your vile
a. BIrdie," because she is always associated with
n bill.
a. Vat ish your name ?'' inquired German
salesman Of n customer. My name is Cox"
replied the gentleman. - Veil, how was dot
name spelled ?" asked the salesman. Why,
Cox said the customer. - o yah, L see,''
said our German friend as he wrote down Co
bat Won't you blease dell me how you shpell
dot X2'
Among its predictions for the year 1879, the
New York Graphic gives the following 1" Col
onel Bob Ingerssu will be converted by Mr..
Moody, and will conduct series Of revival meet
ings at Ocean Grove" \ religious contempO-
rary adds {" We predict that at the same time
Bob is REVEALING at Ocean Grove Moody's part
ner, Sankey, will be engaged as an Ethiopian
minstrel in a Chicago dive"
They were playing game Of euchre together,
when she casually remarked 80 80 you take my
heart, do YOU ?'' Z" Why, certainly yes,'' re-
piled he, hurriedly glancing into her eyes. And
the game was up lCards of course.l
John B. Cough, in lecture in England, refer
ring to the question whether alcohol was a food
or a medicine remarked that in his opinion it was
- very much like sitting down on q hornets nest
stimulating but not nourishing-'
IL is said that in London it is not a very un-
common thing to find yourself riding in n handsome
cab driven by q broken-dOwn lawyer, retired
doctor, or even n played-out lord. A pa-t Of
this story will do for the marines only. Nobody
else could be made to believe that an English
lord or any other sort Of lord, no matter how
thoroughly played-out he might be, would rather
drive q cab for living than marry an American
heiress with an annual income Of half n million,
knowing how mnrvelOusly easy it is for him to do
so.-LOliSUiks C0Urier-J0uTHaL.
He QUALRIED.-In Augusta, Me-, no provision
has been made the present winter for feeding and
lodging trnmps. A yagabOnd went into police
station and wanted to sleep there.
1--WE only lodge prisoners" said the sergeant
behind the desk.
''You only lodge prisoners?' repeated the
VagabOnd meditatIyely.
to steal something, or assault somebody, or some
thing Of that kind
"Ive got to assault somebody, or something
Of that kind again repeated the vagabond,
thoughtfully. Then he reached across the desk
with his right arm, and knocked the sergeant of
his stool, saying, the officer got up with his
hand TO his eye "Give me as good bed as you
kin, sergeant, cause DONE feel very well to-
night"
RICHNESS Born WAYs.-He had been sitting
still 80 long that the mother expected to find him
asleep, when she looked around and asked:
Well, Harry, what are you thinking of?''
s'Ma, are we very rich - he solemnly inquir-
ed, by way Of reply-
''In one way We are,' she said ''your father
Gays he values me at three million dollars you ct
two millions, and the baby at one
That closed the conversation on that subject,
bat next morning as Harry was getting on his
oyerccat, he examined the new patch which had
been added, and cOOlly observed
'Well l think father had better sell of about
half Of you the whole Of the baby and get the
rest Of US some decent duds to put On.''-Ds-
fr0h Free Press
The passion for tidics is a mania which over
balanches the best regulated female mind.
When your wilc brings you up call standing" in
the street, with tug at your arm like n vacuum
brake, calculates '.wait minute and then
rushes wildly at shop window, you may know
that hitherto unknown species Of :idy has been
discovered. When Mrs. HOunglOye calls on her
dear friend, Mrs. COsey, after the insincerc kiss
has been interchanged, her eye rOams fercely
about the apartment in search Of tides, and If
her eager optic detects some new combination Of
silk, cotton, linen or embroidery, she immed-
ately exclaims, - How awfully nice; isn't It
pufeckly lovely; where did you get it ?'' and
on being informed nOnchalantly By her friend
that she picked it up in Dublin South
KensingtOn, If she occasionally visited those
places Of an afternoon for shopping purposes, is
Immediately permeated with deadly envy, and
revolyes in her mind the possibility Of trip to
the North Pole OF Central Africa to secure some
unapp.ochable hideOus article of the same
nature.
A trance medium reports having had vision
of the future world. lie didn't see any winged
angels or hear any barps playing, but there were
Iots Of sharp-featured young ladies working out
aI0ebraic problems on blackboards, and be con-
cI9des that his vision must have been confined to
the Massachusetts, department.-AHdreIr'sB BG-ar.
There being minister to read the burial ser
vf.es at the funeral Of Sullivan. who died last
Saturday, Judge Turin kindly volunteered to
reod II While he was reading it, friend Of
tbe deceased exclaimed, - Go slow, Judge - and
nnIIin1 a Prayer-bOOk from his pocket, said :
!. Here's an od-eountry prayer book, read that "
-Ty6O Sun, January Is-