Daily Republican., 1879-03-13
HUMOROUS.

Blummer is tight fisted. Several day.
ago he said to his wife: "Maria, Iwant
you to look over that broadcloth vest O.
mine and put new buttons on it, cause
l am going to card party tonight
"But, Ely" answered Mrs. b., 81
haven any buttons to match the vest
and"
"Thunder!' broke in Blummer, "the
idea of a woman keeping a house as
long as you have an pretendin' to be
out Of buttons. By George! ] b'lieve
you'll II ask me for money to buy 'em
with next"
That evening Blummer hurried through
his supper, and began arraying him
self for the card party. Presently he
called for the broadcloth vest, and Mrs.
B. with marvellous promptitude, hand
ed it to him. He took it, hastily un-
folded it, and then, as his eye took in
his complete appearance, he stood as
one transfxed. 1t was six-button
vest, and there were six buttons on it,,
and the dazed optic of Blummer obsery-
ed that the first, or top one, was tiny
pearl shirt button, and that the next
one was brass, army overc0at button,
with U. S. cleaning upon it, and that
number three was an oxydized silver
affair, and that number four was horn
button, evidently from the back Of one
OF the Puritan fathers coats, and
then came a suspender button, and
then, as the puzzled eyes Of old Blum
mer reached the bottom buttons po.
ker chip (found in Blummer's pocket)
with two holes punched through it--he
gave a snort that made the chandelier
jingle. There is, after all, fine sense
Of humor about uBlummer, and he laugh
ed till he cried. And there won't be
any button money grudged in that
household hereafter.
A stupid-looking countryman halted
before blacksmith shop, the proprie-
tor Of which was forging shoe, and
eyed the performance with much inter-
est. The brawny smith dissatisfied
with the mans curiosity, held the red
hot iron suddenly under his nose, hop
ing to make him beat a hasty retreat.
"If you give me six-pence will lick
it," said the Duntryman. "I'll stop
the braggart's Jaw" thoughtthe smith,
as he took from his pocket six-pence
and held it out. The countrymanq quick
ly grabbed the coin, licked 1t, and
walked away whistling, "Did you
ever catch a weasel asleep?'
A class in village school was up
for recitation in spelling and defining.
The teacher wrote the letters sew on
the black board and asked the class
how that word should bs used. "To
sew With needle and thread" was
the correct reply. Sow was the next
variation, and the answer was prompt,
"To SOW grain in the field" The
teacher then wrote SO, and asked what
so meant. The class3 3hesitsted. Then
a small girl near the end of the class
answered, cts what we say when we
want the old COW to stand still"
A lady who had been teaching her
little our-year-old the elements of&rith-
metic was astounded by his running
in and propounding the following pro-
blem; "Mamma If you had three but
ternies and each butterfly had a bug
in his ear, how many butterflies would
you haveY" The mother is still at
work on the problem.
M:stress-"Coms, Bridget, how much
longer are you going to be filing tho pep
per.box ?" Bridget -" Sure, mama,
and it's meself can't say how long it'll
be taken me to get all this stuff in tho
thing through the little holes in the
top
"What want to get at is the ami
mus of the transaction, said the judge.
"But, your Honor" said the complain
ant, there wasn't any at all. He came
up quiet-like and grabbed the coat,
and was off with it before saw what
he was at, No, sir, there wasn't any
MIS-"
In struggling to make dullbrained
boy understand what conscience is, a
teacher finally asked. "What makes
you feel uncomfortable after you have
done wrongi" "Father's leather
strap" ieelingly replied the boy.
He could stand it, he said, to have
bis wife paint everything from tin cup
to an old straw hat, and stick it all
over with Cupids and heather Chinese.
Bat when she swooped down upon their
last mince pie and embellished that,
he thought it was time to "kick,' - and
he did.
!ohn b. Cough says: "They tell us
that alcohol gives strength and nourish
ment. 1t does not. 1t gives stimulus.
You sit down on hornets nest, it is
very quickening, but not particularly
nourishing."
"To this day." writes Emma Abbott,
81 love the school girl who gave me
half her apple one day when was hut
gry." To divide apples is characters-
tic Of the sex. 1t began with Eve.
The father of st. Louis bride pre-
sented his son-in law with $4,000 head
of cattle. "Papa, dear" exclaimed
his daughter when she heard of it,
"that was so kind of you; Charley's
awfully fond of ox-tail soup
"Well, 1 always make it rule to
tell my wife everything that happens"
observed Browning. "Oh, my dear
fellow, that's nothing" said Smithwig;
81 tell my wife lots CT thing that never
happen at ALL"
A German out west, being required
to give a receipt in full, produced the
following, after much mental effort
'I'sh full. | wants no more monish.
John Swackenhammer."
An injudicious sister said to three
year old "Johnny, if you're bad
you cannot 60 to heaven! "No." "Why
you don't want to go to the bad place,
4 NJ