Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1879-12-16
MARK TWAINS RESPONSE TO
THE BABIES

At the banquet of the Army of the
Tennessee, toast was proposed to The
Babies" Mark Twain responded as
follows -
The babies As they comfort us in our
sorrow. let us forget them in our festivi-
ties Laughter | like that We
haven't all had the good fortune to be
ladies. Laughter. We haven't all
been generals or poets OF statesmen. But
when toasts work down 10 babies, we
stand on common ground, for we have
all been there: we have all been babies.
Laughter and applause. 1t is a shame
that for thousands Of years the world 5
banquets have utterly ignored the baby as
if he didn't amount to anything. If YOU,
gentlemen, will stop and think a minute;
il YOU will 90 back fifty or one hundred
years to your carly married life. Laugh
ter and contemplate your first baby, YOU
viii remember that he amounted 20
good deal, and even some.hia. over Ioa
soldiers, YOU all know that when that
little fellow arrived at family headluar-
tiers. YOU had to hand in your resignation
Laughter. He took entire commend
Iou became his lackcy, his mere body
servant. and you had to stand around.
too. He was not commander who
made allowances for time, distance,
weather or anything else. You had 70
execute his order whether it was possible
or not Laughter and there was only
one form Of marching in his manual of
tactics, and that double-quick. He treated
YOU with every sort of insolence and dis
rcspcct and the brayest of YOU didn't
dare IN sav a word You could face the
dc.,b-.,orm Of Donaldson and Nick,burg.
and gjye back blow for blow. Applause.
Blu, when he clawcd your whiskcrs and
nulled your hair and twisted YOUR nose.
Won had TO take il. Laughter. When
the thundcrs Of war were sounding in
YOUR ears. YOU set YOUR face toward bat
ierics and advanced with steady tread
but when he turned on the terrors OF his
war whoops. YOU advanced in another
direction Laughter and mighty glad OF
the chance. too. When he called for
soothing syrup. did YOU venture to throw
ou, any side remark, about certain ser
vice bciDg upbecominp an officer and
gentleman: Laughter. No. YOU got
M and cot il. If he ordered his pap
bottle. did YOU talk back: No, You
went 10 work and warmed il. You even
descended so far in your menial office. As
- t,ke a sun At ,be warm insipid stuff
,.o,,.ol, - COO ;f . was r;gbt-tbree
nar,. ,yo,cr 70 ono Of milk touch Of
su.,,r ~ mod;f, the collie and = drop OF
nc9ncrmint 70 Kin the immortal hiccough
I can taste il vet Roars Of laughter.
And how many thing. you learned a,
,o,, vcn, ,lopg, Sentimental youu,
.olt. s,iIl take stock in that beautiful old
.,virg that when the baby smiles in his
.Ia,n :, :. hec,use a,geI. arc wbi,perinr
- him Very nycttv but too thin.
II,ngbter S;mply wind on the ,tom-
cn Nfy ,r;cnds iftbe baby proposed to
,ai'o ,,,IE ~, his r.u,I hour 80 i,
'J'n r,or,ir. didn't Won rise uD promptly
,rJ r.n,,rE with mental addition which
vo,lJ,., inproye the SUNDAY School ooo..
r,,rb tbst +. va, the very thin, you
,,c-. ,hon, - nro,oso vour,cifs Roars
Gb ,o. Won, ,rorc rrjer oood discipline
.nJ ' - rcn ,ron, sr,,cring up and down
,Le M ra,I, :, yonr undrc.s uniform. you
wv. ,'' a,I, rr,,,Icd undjgnjded baby talk.
bYt ya1 ,i,r.d nm youT martial voice and
tricj 10 SING .:Rock-a-by baby, in the
tree ton" for instance What a spee.a-
II, Inv IN. army of the Tennessee, Roar,