The Portland daily press., 1879-10-29
A True Tale.
The Wiles of the Lightning Rod Agent.


The Wiles of the Lightning Rod Agent.
Next to the levathian OF Scripture, the light
ning-rod man is one of the most terrible objects
of the animal kingdom. Such, at least is the
opinion OF an honest farmer in the vicinity of
Waukesha upon whom one Of those individu-
ais waited few days ago, urging him to pro-
tect his buildings with the three-ply, stub-and-
twist, agate pointed, platinum-tipped lightning
rod.
.'I thought 1 see you round here year or
two ago. selling another variety of them condi.
mentS," observed the honest old agriculturist,
''and you said that these here lightning-rods
were frauds"
aOh, yes; that was when was in the bonds
of sin and the gall of bitterness" said the
agent contritely; ''but I've been converted
since. / often shudder nowadays when think
that if my foot had slipped when was putting
up one of the internal articles which l was
then palming off upon credulous and unpro-
tected community, might have gone plump
down to perdition with lie on my lips and q
hammer in my hand. The remorse which even
my case-hardened soul had to feel at last be-
came too much to be borne with impunity; but
now 1 am endeavoring to atone for the evil
which / committed, by exposing the inferior
replacing them with those for which l am now
agent, at cost price"
The old farmer said he didn't exactly know
that he wanted to put up any lightning rods,
I'll do. I'll put up set of lightning-rods for
you, and if you don't like them I'll make you
present of them"
The honest old agriculturalist eyes spar
kled at the proposition; the agent went to work
and when at dewy eve, he had completed his
to ha clonpQd the farnar the hack and
asked him if he liked the material of the rods
and the workmanship.
The farmer said he didn't.
"All rightp' said the agent pleasantly;
''then the rods are yours, and L don't charge
you a cent. Our company always sticks to its
word, and would rather lose a million dollars
than do job that wasn't satisfactory to the
customer. If any one asks you, tell them thet
800 set of lightning-rods didn't cost you cent
you didn't think they were quite satisfactory
and so there was no charge"
The farmer asked the lightnng-rod man to
come in and have some dinner, and the light
ming rod man said he didn't mind. There
seemed to be something funny on the light
ming rod mans mind, for he used to look ut
the farmer every minute or two and laugh to
hituself and when asked what was wrong,
say, fOh nothing! nothing! and then
choke with inward mirth All through the
meal he entertained his hosts with interesting
"reminiscences of houses that bad been struck
by lightnipg-how in one case everything me-
tallic within the building was fused, and
fac-simile of campaign supplement- printed
upon the person of the woman of the house,
while her beautiful daughter was snatched
bald-headed and driven through stove-pipe
hole leaving great strips OF her SOFT white
flesh on the ragged edges OF the sheet-iron.
(Here the farmers daughter got up hastily and
left the room, while her mother said Laws a.
massy!" and famed herself with her handker-
chief) Then the agent burst out laughing cat
nothing" he said), and asked the farmer if he
was insured, and when the farmer said YES"
asked to see his policy and pointed out to him
that the company waived any responsibility
for damage by lightning, and said he must be
up and off. But when he was climbing into
his wagon, the fit of mirth with which he was
seized so nearly approached the proportions OF
an apoplectic seizure, that the honest farmer
got alarmed and asked him what in the name
of Charles Foster he was laughing at.
81 was laughing-ha, ha! he, he! hi, hi! no,
ho!''-panted the merry agent, "to think that
you think you've got ahead OF me. BY Jove!
as I used to say in the days when was an un-
repentant sinner, it's the biggest lark ever re-
member since man stole my dog the day the
animile went mad"
"Get ahead of you?-well did get ahead of
you,'' said the farmer. II got them hghtnin'
rods for nothin'."
eyes" gasped the agent in paroxysms OF
mirth, 'but go and look at those lightning rods
and see if they are wound up hol hol ho!'
"Well, and suppose they amt wound up;
"What darned difference does it make?"
echoed the agent in well-fegned astonishment.
"Shades of S. +. b. Morse Here is q man that
doesn't know the difference between positive
and negative electricity! Just you go up to
the house. and if you have Whetstone's 'Prag-
matic Analytical Synopsis of Differential Elec-
tricity'-the edition of 1876 is the best-over-
haul the eleventh chapter, and you'll see what
the difference is"
81 haven't got the book" said the farmer,
tsxyhat IS the difference. aQYWay?''
"The difference is that a lightning rod when
properly wound up conducts positive electrici-
ty from the clouds to the earth; when not
wound up it conducts negative electricity from
the earth to the clouds. That is all the differ
ence there is. The earth as Huxley says, is q
great reservoir chockful of electricity which is
constantly seeking utilization with the oxygen
and metheglin of the atmosphere. Your light
ming rod is probably the only one in the North
western States that is not wound up; conse-
quently the surging currents of electricity
which have been meandering all over the
country, striving to find an outlet, like rats
seeking to escape out of barrel, after Valniy
trying every other lightning rod, are accumu-
lating beneath your house, and corruscating
and dilating and titillating all along the sur
face of your lightning rod. Wait till 1T gets
dark and you will see pale, lamoent name
PLAYING all along its surface; and II any be-
nighted lightning rod pcddler happens to be in
the vicinity and observes this beautiful and
significant phenomenon, you'll see him whip
mn his horse and get over the hill so as to be
away from the neighborhood when the eXplo-
sion takes place. Talk of electric lights and
Fourth of July fireworks! The first touch of
thunder storm you have up here the spectacle
of awful grandeur presented by your lightning
rod'll knock anything ever seen since the COM
buston of Sodom and Gomorrah. BY the way
there's dark-blue cloud coming up yonder,
which from the size of mans hand has rapid
ly attained the dimensions of st. Louis girls
foot. / guess we're going to have thunder
storm. Goodbye: must get out of here, for
owe it to my family to preserve my life. If
your daughter survives, don'tyou worry about
the future. I'll make proper provision for
her, for it will be 100000 in my pocket to be
able to point to her as the sole survivor OF
man whose house was knocked into brick-dust
and match-splints because he wouldn't take my
advice about the arrangements OF his hghtnng
| rod" -. ~,
"I'll get an axe and crowbar and tear the
| dunn thing down." said the farmer, after mo-
| ment's irresolute pause.
"All right; only want as a special favor to
| ask you not to begin until L am over the hill
| and out of sight. With that lightning rod in
stinct with negative electricity, as it is, it is
| sure death for any uninsulated man to approach
it. If you send hired man to tear it down,
then don't want to be q witness and have the
coroner's jury bring in a verdict that the de-
ceased's employer was guilty of homicide in
the second degree in sending the deceased into
the jaws of death. If you go yourself, don't
want-as in duty L should be bound to do-to
| have to inform the life insurance company
| that you violated the conditions OF your poncy
| by taking deliberately risk which virtually
4 -. lxys i