The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1879-04-11
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VARIETIES.

The beauty of mans parting his hal
in the middle appears to be that it gives boil
ears an equal chance to flap.
Never borrow money and neglect to pay
it. If you do you will soon he known as
| person of no business integrity.
-"Can clergyman marry himself?" asks
an exchange. we suppose he can, but W.
are afraid he would not be happy couple.
Always pay as you go" said an old mar
to his nephew. But, uncle, suppose
haven't anything to pay WITH" Then don't
CO."
AN old bachelor says he's been so often
deceived by the chicken of the restaurants
and clearinghouse that he calls it "the
hooking bird"
-"How much.did he leave?" inquired q
gentleman of n wag, on learning of the death
of a wealthy citizen. Everything" respond
ed the wag, "he didn't take dollar with him. y
An inveterate wag, seeing heavy door
nearly of its hinges, in which condition OF
neglect it had been for some time, observed
that when it had fallen and killed some one
it would probably be hung.
"A French gentleman meets young and
pretty American girl in Paris. "What in the
world are you doing here ?" "Pm spending
my honeymoon" "But where is your hus-
band ~ "Oh he's in New York;
"A clergyman of Bath created consterna-
ton at funeral by praying earnestly in be-
half of "the bereaved husband and the one to
come who shall fill the place made vacant by
the death of the deceased sister"
"A gentleman who recently travelled over
a VIGOROUSLY slow branch railroad declared
that it is the safest road in the country, as
the Superintendent keeps q boy running
ahead of the train to drive off the cows and
sheep.
II wish you would give me that gold
ring on your finger" said village dandy to
country girl, "for it resembles the duration
OF my love for you; it has no end" Ex-
cuse me, sir" she said, II choose to keep it,
for it is like my love for you; it has no be-
ginning"
"A family is like an equipage First the
father, draught horse: next the BOYS, the
wheels, for they are always running round;
then the girls, they are surrounded by fel-
lows; the baby occupies the lap board and
the mother-well what's a wagon without
tongue, anyhow?
"A small boy in Belfast, whose department
at school had always ranked 100 per cent,
came home one day recently with his stand
ing reduced to ninety-eight. "What have
you been doing, my son ?" asked the mother.
Been doing| replied the young hopeful,
"been doing just as have all along, only the
teacher caught me this time"
There are three kinds of men in this
world-the wills" the "won'ts" and the
"can'ts." The former effect everything, the
other oppose everything and the latter fail in
everything. I"wilP' builds our railroads and
steamboats,, won't don't believe in exper-
iments and nonsense, while "can't" grows
weeds for wheat, and commonly ends his
days in the slow digestion of a court of bank
ruptcy.
"A girl in st. Joseph, Mo-, went to drug
store to buy arsenic with which to kill her
self. The clerk happened to know that she
had quarrelled with her lover, and he guessed
her purpose. He gave her cornstarch instead
OF arsenic, and hurried out to tell her lover.
The lover repented having grieyed the girl
went to her house. found her lying on n sofa
waiting in vain to die of dose ofcornstarch,
and made up with her.
-"What great thing the invention of the
steam engine is" exclaimed Frenchman,
slipping his coffee in one of the Paris restaur-
ants. "Why So" inquired friend sitting
next to him. Because it is to that great in
vention that owe my fortune My aunt,
who was killed last month by railroad acct
dent, has left me 100000 A month ago to-
day was hard at work trying to earn liv-
ing, to-day am gentleman. What great
invention the steam engine is"
ABRAHAMs JEwEI.-There is n rabbinical
story which tells the value in which pearls
were held in the early ages, only one object
in nature being thought to be placed above
them: "On approaching Egypt Abraham
locked Sarah in chest, that none might be-
hold her dangerous beauty. But when he
was come to the place of paying customs the
collector said, PAY us the custom :" and he
said, II will pay the custom" They said to
him, "Thou earliest clothes" and he said, 81
will pay for clothes" They said to him,
"Thou earliest gold" and he answered. II
will for my gold" On this they further said
to him, Surely it must be the finest silk" he
replied, 81 will pay the custom for the finest
silk" Then said they, Surely it must be
pearls that thou takest with thee" and he on
ly said, 81 will pay for pearls" Seeing that
they could name nothing of value for which
the patriarch was not willing to pay custom,
they said, at cannot be-but open thou the