davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1879-03-26

streams, and in consequence Georgians
are doing for the beavers what beavers
are doing for the water courses.-OH
City Derrick.
Jeams-I see, Robin, that the paper
says we're tae haze anither storm next
Monday. Robin Man, it's terrible!
Since thae Yankees haze gotten the
weather intae their keepin' we've a
storm every ither day
His name was wrath, and when Inc
asked his girl to marry him she gave
him a soft answer, and soft answer
turned away Wrath. .....
1--WE old maids" remarked Miss Stib-
bens, love cats because we have no
husbands, and cats are almost as treac CHI
erOus as men"
"There are too many women in the
world; sixty thousand more women
than men in Massachusetts, growled
the husband. "That is the survival of
the fttesL', my DEAR" replied the wife.
A little girl was asked by her mother,
on her return from church, how she
liked the preacher. Didn't like him
at.all." was the reply. " Why?' asked
her mother. Cause be preached till
he made me sleepy, and then hellored
SO loud he wouldn't let go to Sleep"
No one ever succeeded in extracting
honey from a spelling bee. Didn't eh ?
A young man who attended a spelling
bee in this town three years ago took
therefrom q young lady whom he re-
rently married, and he calls her
"hOney" for short, and thinks she is
ten times sweeter than that saccharine
product of the bee What he will call
her few years hence is a question we
hand over to our puzzle sOlvers.-NoT-
ristoun HeTud.
A French colonel, on q tour Of inspec-
ton, addressed o soldier: care you
contented with your food? p The Sol
dier-"Yes, colonel" The Colonel
Glow do you divide the rations {?
Does it not often happen that some of
you get a large portion and others a
small one" The Soldier-"No, Col
onal; all the portions are SMALL
Professor-"Yo on will repeat the les
sion on the battle of Bunker HILL"
Student after q long and painful silence)
-''Please, sir, I can't" Professor with
frown) -"Why not ~ Student tim
idly)-"Because | have been deceived"
Professor (astonished) lin what way 2"
Student (humbly d have always been
told that history repeats itself, and so /
didn't trouble t. study the lesson
Rockldnd Courier. ...
| think twas IN September, if | right
ly now remember, that l heard a
knocking, knocking at my door; yes, /
know twas in September, for quite
we'll now remember he had been
there about fifty times before; had been
there knocking at my door. But [
opened not. nor wondered, as upon the
door he Numbered, for be yelled s'say
how will you, settle this ERE bill | bring
you" as he battered on the door, and |
answered calmly answered, "Never-
more" -Ou City Derrick
A music seller announces in his win
dow sentimental song: "Thou hast
loved and left me" for ten cents.
First syell-Look here, Fred, you
shouldn't wear SO many big diamonds.
It's awfully bad form. Second swell
Bless your soul, dear boy, they amt
real.
"What," asked Professor Miles of the
smart boy in the history class, "what
did the pilgrim fathers first do after
landing at Plymouth Rock o. Licked
a hackman," replied the smart bad boy,
who went to Niagara with his parents
last vacation. Boston Globe.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1879-03-26

CLERK ADAMS was re-nominated by
the house democratic caucus on the
first bollot, his only contestant being
Caldwell of Alabama. The former
sergeant-at-arms and doorkeeper were
renominated by reclamation.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1879-03-26

A Kansas man &ho offered bail for a
friend was asked by the Judge if he had
any incumbrance on his farm 40 yes"
said he" my old woman"
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1879-03-26

For Nervous Debility, Los Mani God, Sem
inal Weakness, Impotence,
and all ailments caused by early abuse and ex
cesses in later life. Instead of tampering with
quacks, write to DR.. WILLIAMS, who during 20
years of city practice has won reputation second
to none in the Northwest. for his littlc book on
the Home Treatment Of the above and kindred
diseases, with PRESCRIPTIONS end plain direc-
tions for self-cure at home. 1t is Illustrated by
Anatomical Plates, and is worth its Weight In
Gold to the afflicted, especially those who have
been yictimlzed by Quacks. 1t can be obtained
by enclosin, 25 cents in currency or stamps. No
fee required Address DIR. L. WILLIAMS,
425 East Water Street. MILWAUKEE, WIS.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1879-03-26

At midnight, Lucy rose as before;
the Duchess was aroused from her I'M
quiet sleep and called all the ladies to
witness the confirmation of her suspic-
ions. With lighted fambeaux, the
duchess, attended with ~ numerous
suite. followed Lucy, who traversed
again the long hall and numerous pas
sages and arrived at the door of the
monastery. Her culpability could no
longer be doubted; but they followed
her even to the painting room, where
she was already seated before the easel.
The noise around her and the brilliancy
Of the lights awoke her in fright.
She was q sOmnambullst.
Thus unconsciously had she served
as a model to the artist, who fully re-
paid in love what she had given him in
renown. He obtained the prize and
was loaded down at the court with hon
ors and riches.
A few days afterward there was cele-
brated at St. Paul's the union of Van
Dyck and Lucy, the daughter Of the
noble Count Ruthven de CORY.
Montenegro.
The Montenegrins, those brave inbab-
itants of the Black Mountain, VINO de-
fed the Turk for 450 years after he had
succeeded in enslaving their brethren
of Servia, Bosnia, and Herzegovina, ale
savagely discontinued at the results of
the Berlin treaty. They had to bear
the brunt of a bloody and exhaustive
siege, which lasted practically from the
autumn of 1875 until the spring Of 1878;
they contributed largely to the downfall
Of the Ottoman power in the Balkan
Peninsula; and they have been misera-
bly, rewarded. A manifesto recently
issued by the Montenegrin government
a document in which it is easy to see
the hand of Russia-sets forth the causes
Of grievance as follows: "This country,
the very existence of which depended
upon the extension of it's frontiers be-
yOnd the stony mountains which fur
nish no meals of livelihood, and no
possibility of progress III the sense of
culture and civilization, has come out
of the Berlin congress flayed, restrain
ed ana ruined. Even that which it had
obtained at the price of the bloodiest
sacrifices has been taken from it, and
to heap the measure of the injustice,
to-day. long after the congress has ad-
jodrned, when all the other powers have
received whatever was allotted to them,
Montenegro alone is still to receive the
mouthful which mad been granted it.
It is with indescribable sorrow that the
Montenegrin people has witnessed such
actions on the part Of the European
powers, and only the high wisdom of its
sovereign and absolute submission to
his authority, have kept it from a
course which would have brought about
a decisive coun,er-revolution in Orien-
tai Europe" This may be regarded as
the beginning of a series of protests by
Russia against the treaty which Serbs
and Muscovites alike regard as hateful
and degrading.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1879-03-26

At a cockney theatre in London:
Me lud ! the Duke of Buckingham as
arrived !" CASE? Be'evings then orr
with is blarsted 'ead !"
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1879-03-26

PROBABLY there is no better judge Q,
musical instrument, or Of the opinions
of musicians respecting them, than
THEODORE THOMAS. He says the Mason
& Hamlin Cabinet Organs are much the
best of this class Of instruments made,
and that musicians generally agree in
this.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1879-03-26
Women on VeIOcipedes.

Bicycle riding by women promises to
become fashionable in Detroit. The ex-
ample was set by q wealthy and reput-
able young lady, who at first rode
in secluded places, bat afterward took
to the suburban roads. She uses the
ordinary two-wheeled machine, sits as
tribe, wearing very loose trousers, and
is frequently accompanied by half
dozen female companions. Altumble
resulting in a broken nose temporarily
cooled her ardor, but the sport has
more than regained the lost favor.
St. Landry democrat., 1879-09-27


The fight for mayor Of San francisco,
the other day, was substantially con
test between kalloch, the candidate OF
the Workingmen, and Flint, the Re-
publican nominee; the regular. Demo
cratic candidate, Griswold, getting only
SG4 votes in the entire city. The Honor,
able Isilks and the Democrats divided
between kaiiocsi apd Flint; but, where
as, the former got 1886 votes more than
the candidate OF his party for Governor;
his party. 1t is thought that kalloc!
owed his success to De YouDg's pistol
Booths theatrical business has been
good eyer since he was shot. at by a
Chicago maniac. some time since, and
De Young's pistol shots wcp bis enemy
5000 votes. The best boom that eanll'
date or an actor can get is to have a
pistol pointed at him.-[N. 0. Democrat
St. Landry democrat., 1879-09-27

We, presume the Mormon young man,
like his more constrained fellow, says
to his No. / to be, "Will you make me
happy by linking your fate with mine 7"
After that. when he goes forth to cap
ture other hearts to nestle in his bosom,
that, like little Oliver, is forever asking
for more, the formula has to be changed
ent H stock % of eonnnbial M sI bliss by W adding
your heart and soul to the two hearts
and souls already enlisted for life?n
St. Landry democrat., 1879-09-27
1 Boys Indignation NIeetings


At a largely attended Indignation
meeting, held in Teddy McGinness' barn,
Teddy himself in the chair, Jimmy New
conner secretary, and Skinny" Oldham
treasurer, the following preamble and
resolutions were adopted by rousins
rising vote:
Whereas, We boys don't have no fun
nova days.
Resolved, That we know the reason
why, and this is What it is:
We can't fly our kites because telc-
graph wires is SO thick and the man
that put 'em up ought to be made to
give tight rope performance on 'em,
and the poles point to heaven from the
top and to the place where the company
will go to from the bottom.
We can't play base ball because our
dads won't pay for the glasses we break +,
and they break all the glass they want
to, for we've seen 'em do it, and it was
glass bottles.
We can't go swimming because our
pockets isn't big enough to carry around
swimmin' drawers and it is 'nough sight
better to 60 i'll without 'em and we're a
going to.
We can't yell and holler half us much
as We want to, because the neighbOrs
VIII Ut tlSGltlUCus ttuu IlOSt vi tIl
keeps Il cornet and a piano and an ac-
cOrde0n.
We can't smoke cigarettes because
they put the awfuliest strongest kind
of tobacco i'll 'em, and it makes lis sick,
and we've all been licked for smoking
sweet fern, and we're mad about it.
We can't play marbles because it
! 'cumbers the sidewalk and the "peel-
crs' drive us Off, and every man what's
got goods to sell sets his whole store
out doors and folks has to walk in the
gutter. This amt right.
We can't ride on our velocipedes, be-
cause it scares the horses, and twin
baby carriages is a sight more fright
| full. Ask the father Of 'em.
/ We can't go on an excursion, because
| it costs half fare, and our dads buy
whole ticket for red-headcd girls that
our mas don't like.
! Resolved, That telegraph wires,
neighbors, storekecpers, twin babes
and red headed girls be abolished and
| that-
Just as the climax was about to lie
reached Mr.. McGinness came around
! tn corner of the barn, and the boys
slid off the hay NOW and made tracks
| through the stable door.
St. Landry democrat., 1879-09-27

It was in Paris that q wretch was ar
faigped for attempting to dispose OF his
wife's mother in summary way. The
Judge, who was also q man OF expert.
ence, said severely: You age ACCUSED
of an attempt to murder your mother
in-law. What have Eou to say?' The
accused replied, 81 have nothing to say,
judge, except that the attempt failed,
through circumstances over which L had
no control" Then your punishment, u
returned the judge" shall be still more
severe
St. Landry democrat., 1879-09-27

4 school system that sllarpens the
wits and .softens the hands of pupils
will revenge itself upon its promoters.
The country is getting full OF young
men and woE:eQ Of fair education who
find it Impossible to support themselves.
They might make passable clerks, bHt
there is no kind of hard labor for which
they have any aptitude or inclination.
The Scientific American says MANU-
facturer advertised in Boston and New
York for twenty-five shGefitters, offer
ing current rates and steady work. The
advertisement brought one application.
Another firm advertised for q book
keeper, and the next days mail brought
34r answers. In this country more
farmers, black smiths, weayers and car
penters are wanted. while education
should by no means be neglected, j
should be given practical turn. No
man is we'll educated who does not
know what to do with his hands.
St. Landry democrat., 1879-09-27

Jesse Pomeroy, the Boston boy muir
tlerer continues to bother the Charleston
officials, In the arm of a chair in his
cell. a large knife was lately found. He
had dug out hiding place for the
weapon. and filled the aperture with
soap, staining SO as to match the color
of the wood.
St. Landry democrat., 1879-09-27

FITzNooDLE IN AMEIICA.-Aw I'm
almostwearwy of the perpetual measur-
wing of stwength between Englshmen
and these pwetended AmerWlcan sport
ing men, 1t worwies me--if it be at
ali possible for anything OF such char
wachta to tWouble me III the slightest
degwee. It is a pwetty well understood
thing by all individuals endowed with
the pwopah weasonable poWahs that
slndah ordinary circumstances 1t is ut
terly widiculous for Amerwlcans to tWy
ing mattahs who is born under BWitisll
Wale. The Amerwicans must inyer-
wiably get uttahly wouted when they
make the attempt, unless by some ex-
twaordinary accident English fellah
bweaks down Observation-Disclosures
St. Landry democrat., 1879-09-27
Don't.

Don't insult poor man. His muscles
may be we'll developed.
Don't color meersChaums for living.
1t is simply dying inches.
Don't throw dust in your teachers
ewes. It will injure tie pupil.
Don't tuEn up your nose at light
things. Think of bread and taxation.
Don't boast OF your pedigree. Many
d fool has had a wise ancestor.
Don't buy coach to please your wife.
Better make her little sulky:
Don't write long obituaries. Save
some of your kind words for those
living.
Don't publish your acts Of charity
The Lord will keep the account straight.
Don't put on airs III your new Clothes
Remember your tailor is suffering.
St. Landry democrat., 1879-09-27

Texas produced the past year year
ss5l horsheads of sugar and 1890 bar
gels of molasses.-[[N. Q. Democrat.
St. Landry democrat., 1879-09-27

4 CURIOUS BREACH OF PROMISE
CAsE.-Of all the accusations brought
against the City OF Glasgow Bank, that
of being the cause Of all action for
breach Of promise Of marriage is Ger
tainly the straugest. but nevertheless it
is fact. The names of the parties are
well known, but there is 10 nccessity
for mentioning them; suffice it to say
that the lady belongs to Glasgow, the
gentleman to Greenock, both Of them
being people of some wealth. The lady
unfortunately held some of the stock
of the bank, and when the crash came,
although the marriage invitations had
actually been issued, the gentleman
cried off until he ascertained how far he
would be affected as her husband.
/ fter the decision of the House of Lords
that no liability would extend to him, it
was, OF course, expected that be would
at once complete his engagement, but
for some reason or other he had changed
his mipd, and positively refused to do
50. After all persuasion had failed an
action claiming $4,000 was raised, which
lie has now compromised by paying
1000.
St. Landry democrat., 1879-09-27
Lottery
COMPANY

This Institution was regularly
incorporated by the Legislature Of
the State for Educational and
Charitable purposes in 1868, with O
Capital of s1,ooo,ooo, to which it
has since added q reserve fund Of
$35O,OOO. Its Grand Single Num-
Der Distribution will take place
Monthly, on the second Tuesday.
Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1879-03-02
Strength Of Insects,

The following are striking illustrations
of the superhuman strength with which
the commonest insects are endowed. The
common flea, as every one knows, will,
without much apparent effort, jump two
hundred times its own length, and sever
al grasshoppers and locuts are said to be
able to perform leaps quite as wonderful.
In the case Of the insect they scarcely ex-
cite our notice; but if man were coolly
to take standing leap of three hundred
and eighty odd yards, which would be an
equivalent exertion of muscular power,
perhaps our admirers of athletic sports
might be rather startled at such per-
Torrance.
Again, for man to run ten miles with
in the tour would be admitted to be a
tolerably good display Of pedestrianism
but what are we to say to the little fly OBJ
served by Mr.. Delisle, $50 minute as al
most to be invisible" which ran nearly
six inches in second, and in the space
was calculated to have made one thousand
and eighty steps? This, according to cal
culation, is as if a man whose steps meas
ured only two feet, should run at in.
credible rate of twenty miles in minute
Equally surprising are the instances of in :
sect strength given by Mr.. Newport
The great stag beetle, which tears off the,
bark from the roots and the branches of
trees, has been known to gnaw hole, an
inch in diameter, through the side of an
iron canister in which he was confined,
and on which the marks of its jaws were
distinctly visible, as proven by Mr.. Steph-
ems, who exhibited the canister at one of
the meetings of the chronological
Society.
Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1879-03-02
Pneumonia.

There are few diseases in which special
treatment adapted to individual cases is
more important than IN pneumonia; for
the measures that would be saiutary in
one case would &c injurious, or even fatal,
in another. In the belief, therefore, that
such general directions as could be given
in the limited scope of this article would
be likely to do quite as much harm as
good, the few remaining remarks shall re-
fer to the office of nurse rather than to
that of doctor The patient should lie
with his shoulders somewhat elevated. In
protracted and debilitated cases, his posi-
ton should be changed occasionally, in
order to prevent the setting of the blood
in any part Of the lungs. Care should be
taken to expose the chest and body as
little as possible. The air Of the sick
room should be of uniform tempera.
ture, and warm, yet purified by sufficient
ventilation. In early stages, what little
diet the patient can take should be fari-
naceous drinks, such as gum water, bar.
ley-water, thin cruel, to which may be
added a decoction OF ripe fruit, or the
juice of oranges or fresh grapes, the in
digestible portion being carefully rejected.
As the fever abates, give tea, with toasted
bread or crackers, or little rice; then In
dian mush, milk, brorhs, lighter meats,
eggs, oysters. In this. as in other dis
eases, nature powerfully aids a sound
constitution, and, with good nursing, lit
tie medical treatment will very often
suffice.
Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1879-03-02
Death in a Mans Bite.

Is man poisonous animal? It
would seem so when he is very angry.
and that he poisons those he bites. as
other beasts often do. Every once in a
while the press records a case of some
body dying from the bite of man, and
the cases appear to be we'll authenticated.
The latest instance was in WASHINGTON.
where Peter McNamra died from the bite
Of one Danaher, with whom he had had
fight two months bfeore. The physician
discovered poison in his blood, and am pu-
tated the finger on which the brute had
fastened his teeth. The poison had
spread, however, to the arm, which would
also have been removed had the sufferer
been able, in the opinion of the surgeon,
to 'endure 1t. Deaths Of this sort demand
investigation of the abiest physicians.
II we can impart mortal poison BY our
bite; but, If it were, we might be as
dangerous as mad dogs. There has been
vast deal of discussion lately on the
subject of hydrophobia, some medical
authorities maintaining that such disease
can be engendered by the canine species.
Can hydrophobia or aught approaching it
De communicated by human species?
we certainly need light on this point.
Ii man is Capable of rabies and of CON
veying it by a bite, it would appear to be
a new argument in favor of evolution.
Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1879-03-02
Bismarck on the Road to Busancy.

On the road to Busancy the Chancellor
said: "The whole day had nothing but
ration bread and bacon. Now we got a
few eggs-fve or six. The men wanted
to have them boiled I, however, like them
raw. Accordingly appropriated couple,
smashed them with my pommel, and re-
freshed myself. At daybreak l enjoyed
the first warm food had tasted for thirty
six hours; 1t was only pea-soup, offered
me by Gen. Cohen, but 1t seemed most
delicious. Later there was roast fowl,
whose toug hness was, however, too much
for the best TOOTH" 1t had been offered
to the Minister by sutler after he had
purchased an undressed one from q
soldier. Bismarck had taken the former,
paid for it, and had given the man in ad-
dition the one purchased from the soldier.
"Ifwe meet again in the war;" he said,
"you can return me the fowl roasted. If
not, hope you restore it in Berlin" <
On the road we caught up to some tagged
Bavarians, common soldiers, who were
dragging themselves slowly along under
a scorching sun. 'sHo, couatrymen %
called out the Chancellor to one of them.
"Would you like drink of Cognac?n
Of course he would, and so would another,
to judge from his longing eyes, and a
third, too, and, so they drank, aud few
more, too, each a draught QUE of the Min.
listers travelling flask, and then out of
mine. A cigar, apiece appropriately closed
the proceedings.-Grqf Bismarck und
Seine zeute.
Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1879-03-02
Wives That We're appreciated.

II tell you what it is" said one of the
the small coterie of wealthy men who
had met in the Office of one of their num-
Der, "they may say what they please
about the uselessness OF modern women,
but my wife has done her share toward
securing our success in life. Everybody
knows that her family was aristocratic
and very exclusive, and all that, and
when married her she had never done a
days work in her life; but when W. &
Co., failed, and I had to commence at
the foot of the hill again, she discharged
the servants and chose q neat little cot
tage, and did her own housekeeping un-
til was better off again.
''And my wife, said second, twas an
only daughter, petted and caressed to
death, and everybody said, well, if he
will marry doll like that, he'll make
the greatest mistake his life;' but when
l came home the first year of our mar.
riage sick with the fever she nursed me
back to health, and l never knew her to
murmur because we could not afford any
better style, or more luxuries."
swell, gentlemen" chimed in a third,
II married smart, healthy, pretty girl,
but she was regular blue stocking she
adored Tennyson, doated on Byron, read
Emerson, and named the first baby Ralph
Waldo, and the second Maud; but tell
you what it ISL and the speakers eyes
grew suspicious,y moist, s'when we laid
little Maud in her last bed, at Auburn,
my wife had no remembrance of neglect,
or stinted motherly care, and the little
dresses that still lie in the locked draw
er, were all made by her own hands,