Wheeling register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1878-1935, 1879-12-18
ATACHURCH FESTIVAL.
MIR. Burdette Gives the Young
Man Some Valuable Hints.

When YOU 20 to the church festival,
n. son, wear your old clothes. lou
will not actract so much attention, but
then the wise man never goes to the
festival 10 be seen OF men; or, that Is
to say, to be sought OF woman.
Be pleasant and smiling and cheerful.
When they offer you the seductive bow
of oyster soup, bend over it, affect to
examine il critically, smell it, then rise
no. shake your head sadly, and with
sweet suggestive smile, say, mo, thank
Won. Iguess not" This adds greatly
TO the extreme happiness OF the silver
haired, motherly old lady who made the
soup.
Lie boldly to the first girl who wants
Won 10 take a chance IN the parsonage
cake. Tell her you have already taken
two chances. This will make 1t easier
for the next lie. Then when she looks
over her list and SAYS she can't find
vour name, tell her you bought your
chance of the other young lady. Then
when she SAYS she Is the only person
selling chances nthis cake, tell her then
il must have been the other cake. Then
when she sayst this is the only cake they
are ratilng on, brace up, look her right
i'm the eve, and tell her, "Oh yes, you
remember now, il must have been in
the cake last year" She can't deny
this. and YOU can look triumphat. But
remember. my son, il you start IN
a thing ofthis kind you will have to keep
it up. 49,, i'll
Ifvou pick up any pretty little article
ON the fancy tables, ask the price OF the
same. and when YOU are told drop IT
from your nerveless fingers, and as 1t
falls upon the floor exclaim IN tones OF
amazement. "Well, | am and
leave the audience to imagine what you
are. This never tails to please the
Young lady who has charge OF the
table. She will mention you to her
friends.
Should YOU meet the pastor during the
evening saw to him, if he asks whether
YOU are having good time, "Oh, yes,
| I feel like a man who went down 10 Jer-
/ icho and" here look very archly at the
Young ladies lust behind the embrold-
ery table and proceed-"fell among
/ thieves
After a pleasant, but natural and un-
disguised horror Of the tides, designate
the worsted work as "Stutf. Wonder
what the lambrequins are Tor, and
/ laugh, short, explosive, sardonlc
/ laugh, when the ladies' tell you. II
some girl has sent a water color or oil
painting OF her own TO the fair, affect
I 10 mistake the road for the river, and
wonder how people are driving along
/ the top of the water in wagon. Also
/ try 10 spell out the name OF hotel on
/ the elm tree i'm the foreground, affecting
| to mistake il for an old-iashlOned swing
/ ing country inn sign.
! Ifpossible, coax the prettleSt girl away
I from the reireshment table and keep her
promenading the room all evening with
YOU. while the tired old woman does
/ her work. Talk great deal to all the
girlsa all the tables, and spend just as lit
/ tie as YOU talk much. Your CONVERSE
/ ton is considered vastly more valuable
/ church fair than your money.
/ Bv closely observing these rules, my
| son, and carrying out the line of con-
\ duet they vaguely suggest, you Will not
\ be much ANNOYED by the begging com
mittees, for they will soon learn you,
| and YOU will be set down as man about
/ town, aud young man who knows
/ what's what.
You will also be set down as an ass,
an empty head, cOnceited, stingy, shallow
, Drained ass.
Ii YOU want to pay the price, my son,
sail in, the article Is yours.