The Worthington advance., 1879-05-22
HumOr of the Day.

Why was mother OF one OF the old
Peruvian rules like piece Of RUBBER
She was an inca-raiser. Boston Tran
script.
Waiter to member of the Ohio Legis-
lature-will you have some dessert2
Member to waiter-No, thank you; III
take piece of pie.
The proprietor of bone factory an
nounces that the persons leaving their
bones with him can have them ground At
short noticc.-Neeo Orleans Picayune.
Very kind gcnt-Do you know, my
dear, that We have to-day the shortest day
in the year2 Lady-Very true! But
your presence makes me forget it.
The rooster that is to hatch out dozen
eggs in Chapel street window evidently
doesn't know his place, but he is very
persistent.-Ne,o Haven Register.
A downtown man says he has the best
auction ear in his family. 1t belongs
to his wife, and it hears of every auction
in the city, much to the lightness of his
purse Haven Register.
"You see," said Col. Flipem, II didn't
marry the girl because she turned out q
deceiver." ''Yes,' said a bystander, s'and
the deceiver she turned OUT was Col.
Flipem."
An apothecary, in decorating for Wash
ington's birthday, placed jar of Gala
mus root in the show windows, labeled,
"sweet flag of my country" but no ono
saw the point.
"Has the cooking book any pictures?"
asked young lady Of a bookseller. "Not
one," replied the dealer in books. "Why,''
exclaimed the witty miss, 'what is the
use OF telling us how to make dinner if
you give us no plates9'
"What, asked Professor Miles of the
smart boy in the history class, ''what did
the pilgrim Fathers first do after landing
ut Plymouth Rock" clicked q hackman,'
replied the smart bad boy, who went to
Niagara with his parents last vacation.
An unknown thief in Chesterfield sent
letter to the man whose poultry house
he had depleted, saying: "Mr. Britt
must not forget to tell you that the
Black Hen was very tough We could
neither roast nor boil it it was disap-
pointment as I had asked friend to
come to dinner and with pulling at the
old Black hen he Loosened all his Front
teeth the cock was very good and ten
der. r.'-Shetfeld Telegraph.
One Of the Paris papers publishes the
following: "Therc are Gascons (boasters)
in America as everywhere else. One Of
them recently said: "In the state of Ohio
the cold is SO intense in the winter that
this happened to me l was attacked by a
robber. 1 took out my pistol. There
was powder, in it but no ball. I was
seized with lucky idea. l spat in the
barrel and fired. The spittle froze on
its way, and the malefactor was shot
dead"
At the Queens Theater, Dublin, in
those halcyon days when the Trinity
College boys used to occupy the gallery
en- massc, an italian opera company once
occupied the stage. The orchestra was
very bad, the violins especially doing vi
olcnce to the score. Some obnoxious party
started row among the gods, and the
usual cry of ''Thow him ovcr2'' was re-
verberated through the house, when one of
the b'hoys roared, "Hold on boys! Don't
waste him, kill fiddler wild him!'
Bill Arp says in the Atlanta Constitu-
ton: BLESSINGS on the children and the
children's children! How I do love to
have 'cm round and see 'em frolic, and
ever and anon hear one squall with cut
hnger or a stumped toe, or the bark
knocked off lis hide somewhere. What a
pity they have to grow up and see trouble
and ''e sent to the Legislature or Con-
gress, and there get little behind in
morals and in money! But sufficient un-
to the day is the evil thereof"
Rare Peoplc.-People who have never
attempted "Baby Mine. People who
expect correct time from "Grandfather's
Clock."-Old bachelors who dotc. on
babies, and young ladies who do not
People who expect to wade rivers with
gum shoes and not wet their feet.
Photographers who don't have their auto
graph pasted on each picture.-street-
car conductors who. never forget to
''punch" when the collect fare-1 ladv
who can smile sweetly when q by 9 foot
Is planted on her trail.--Membera Of
Congress who can return to their constit-
uents with clear conscience.-Men
with eye glasses who don't elevate their
nose at an angle Of farty-five when they
speak to you.