The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1879-01-22
Mark Twain as a Candidate.

the country wants is q candidat
who can not be injured by investig,
tiOn OF his past history, SO that tn
enemies Of the party will be be ur
able to rake up against him thing
that nobody ever heard Of before.
you know the most about a cand
date, to begin with, every attemp
to spring things on him will be checl
mated. Now / am going to ente
the field with an open record. an
going to own up in advance to al
The wickedness / have done, and i
any congressional committee dis
posed to prowl around my biography
in the hope Of finding any dark anC
deadly deed which 1 have secretsd
why, let it prOWl.
In the first place. 1 admit that
did tree a rheumatic grandfather o.
mine in the winter Of 1859. He Was
old and iHexpert at climbing trees
But with a heartless brutality that il
characteristic Of me, I ran him ou;
of the front door in h.s night-shirt
at the point of shot gun, and caus.
ed him TO howl up q maple tree.
where he remained all night, while
emptied shot into his legs. did
this because he snored. l will do it
again if l ever have another grand
father. l am as inhuman now as l
was in 1859. No rheumatic person
shall snore in my house.
candidly acknowledge that l ran
away at the battle of Gettysburg.
My friends have tried to smooth this
fact by asserting that l merely got
behind a tree. that did so for the
purpose of initiating Washington,
who went into the woods at Valley
Forge to say his prayers. 1t is a
miserable subterfuge. 1 struck out
in a straight line for the TrOpic Of
Cancer, simply because was scared.
! wanted my country saved, but l
preferred to have somebody else
save her. | entertain that idea yet.
If the bubble Of reputation can be
obtained only at the cannon's mouth,
l am willing to 60 there for it, pro-
vided the cannon is empty. If it is
loaded. my immortal and inhexibls
purpose Is to get suddenly over the
fence and go home. My invariable
practice in war has been to bring
out Of any given fight two-thfrds
more men than l took in. This
seems to me to be Napoleonic in it's
grandeur.
My financial views are Of the most
decided character, but they are not
likely, perhaps, to increase my pop.
ularity with the advocates of infla-
ton or contraction. l do not insist
upon special supremacy of rag mon.
ey or hard money. The great fun.
damental principle of my life is to
take any kind that can get.
The rumor that | buried a dead
aunt under one OF my grape vines is
founded upon facts. The vines need
ed fertilizing, my aunt had to he
buried, and / dedicated her to this
high purpose. Does that unfit me
for the presidency? The censtitu-
tion of our country does not say so.
No other oitiSen was ever consider
ed unworthy of Office because he en-
riched his grape vines with his rela-
tions. Why shoald be selected as
the first victim Of an absurd preju-
dice T
l admit, also, that am not a
friend of the poor man. 1 regard
the poor mao, in his present condi-
tion, as so much wasted raw mate
rial. Cut up and properly canned,
he might be made useful to fatten
the natives of the Cannibal Islands.
and to improve our expcrt trade
with that rsaic1. l shall recon-
mend legislation upon the subject in
my first message. Ny campaign cry
will be "Desiccate the poor working.
man! Stuff him into sausages r.
These are about the worst parts
Of my record. On them come be-
fore the country. If my country
don't want me, will go back again.
But l recommend myself as a safe
mana man who starts from the
basis Of total depravity, and pro-
poses 10 be fendish 10 the last.
------ Co..