Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1879-02-12
nark Tw ain as a Candidate.

have pretty much made up my mind
to run for President. What the people
want is a man who can not be injured
by investigation Of his past history, SO
that enemies Of the party will NOT be
able to rake up against him things tia.
nobody ever heard Of before. II you
know the worst about a candidate, to
begin vith, every attempt TO slring
thiRgs on him will be check mated
Now am going to enter upon the field
with an open record. l am going to
own up in advance to all the Sickedness
shave done, and if any congressional
eOmmitte is disposed to prowl around
my biography, in the hope Of finding
any daring and deadly deed which l
have secreted. why, let it prowl.
In the first place, l admit that l did
freeze a rheumatic grandfather ofmine
in the winter Of 1859. He was olG and
ine2pert at climbing trees. But with a
hearless brutality that is Characteristic
of me ! rs,,s hinl. outos the front door
in his night shirt, at the point Of shot
gun and caused hlm TO bowl up maple
tree, where he remained all night. while
I cmptied shot in his legs. l did this
because he snorcd. 1 will do it again
i'll have another grandfather. 1 am as
nhuman now as l was in 1859. No
rheumatic person shall snore in my
house.
candidly acknowledge that l ran
away at the battle Of Gettysburg. My
friends have tried to smooth this fact by
asserting that l merely got behind
tree. that l did So for the purpose OF
initiating Washington, who went into
the.wsods at Valley Forge to say his
nrayers. It's miserable subteriuge.
| struck out in straight line for the
Tropic OF Cancer, simply because l was
scared. l wanted my country saved,
but I preferred to have some one else
fo save her. l entertain that idea yet.
Ifthe bubble of reputation can be Oh
tanned only at the cannou's mouth, /
am willing to go there for 1t, provided
the cannon is empty. If it is loaded,
nv immortal and Infexible purpose IS
to get over the fence and 80 home. My
inyariablo purpose in war has been to
bring out two-thirds more men than l
took in. This seems to me to be Ma
poleonic in its grandeur.
Nv financial views are Of the most
decided character, but they are not like
ly, perhaps, to increase my popularity
with the advocates Of imitation or con-
traction. 1 do not insist upon special
supremacy Of rag money. The great
fundamental principle Of my life is 10
take any kind l can get.
Tie rumor that 1 buried a dead aunt
under a grape vine is founded upon fact.
The vine needed fer.iliz.ng, my aunt
had.to be buried, and l dedicated her to
.s.... ,.-s,,e-a. Dooe ihat unfit raa fari
the presidency The constitution ofour
country does not say so. No other cit
zen was considered unworthy Of office
because he enriched his grape vine with
hi. relations. Why should be select
ed as the first victim Of an absurd preju-
dice?
| admit. also, that am not a friend
to the poor man. l regard the poor
man. in his present condition, as so
much wasted raw material. Cutup and
properly canned, he might be made
useful to latten the natives Of Canibal
Islands, and improve our exports in
that region. / shall recommend legIs-
lation upon the subject IN my first mes
sage. My campaign cry will be to des-
ocrate the poor workiDgman! STUFF him
into sausages.
These are about the worst parts oil
my record. On them l come before the
country. Ifmy country don't want me,
| will 20 back again. But l recommend
myself as a safe man--a man who stars
from the basis of total deprayity, and
proposes to be fendish to the last.