Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1879-02-27
FUNNYGRAPHS.

Recorder.
The border troubles are nothing in
comparison with boudoir warfare.
The fellow who rang the bell for
false alarm of fire tolled lie.-lnde-
pendemf.
"D1gTANCE lends enchantment to
the creditor" We mi ght credit this,
but it is of little credit to the man who
said it.
Miss KELLOGG having decided to retire
from the opera field, viii devote the rest
Of Ter life to last appeaz&nces.-Bost1n
Bu ktin.
WE are often asked if Foreigners like
our institutions.' From the number
that are found il than We should say
they did.
"To get the sack - is from the Frencl:
but young man does not care where
it is from as long as it Is not from his
girl.--Ez,
NOTHING perplexes married man
more than to find bis wife using his
bachelor cigar case to keep hairplns in
OIL City Derrick.
"WEAT were the worst result: 81 the
late civil war?' cried q D2mocr:*tic ora
1or. widows" shouted Jones, who
had married one.-lhot.
PROBABLY the happiest combination in
al this wide world: during these merry
winter days, IS halt nince pie witt.
boy around it.--H9wktgf.
My brother-in- lay; vino "has been
there" says that any nan is very near
l. =, 1c+ n T.
Ter end Of a mule.-Ch1t.
FRIENDS do not grow on every BUSH,
though lovers may, aAd when one lnds
a good, true frienj, one ought to value
him-nor feel ashamed Of il either.
The Buffalo Express thinks that pre-
vailing economy is " lighting Z match
with a hank bill TO see whether a ten,
cent piece is made of silver or pewter.
TIE New York Wor!d's last question
is, "Why should the Oil City U<rr'cE ;e'
the hangnans organ?" 50 lar 4: We
are concerned We gibhet it out.-Osr2" H.
Mrs. PARTlNGToS again." Poor
man." said the old lady: and So be-
really gone at last! Ninety-eight, was
he? Dear; dear. to think how that ii
he'd lived TWO years more he'd have been
centurion" -Londo,a Judy.
"WB1 are you looking at me 20 IL
tentlv, Aliceoh said Theodore. Il was
gazing at vacancy replied Alice,
dreamilv; and yet there is a twinkle
about her mouth that shows her appralse-
ment of the young m&n.-Boston 7ron-
script.
SPEAK gently, speak gently; 10 mat
ter how much bigger and how much
broader across the shoulders than yoAr-
self the other man IS, nor how cross he
looks, speak gently. The bigger and
broader and crosser-the gentler.-Bu7-
Angton Houkeye.
IT is told as good thing at Bay View,
in South Boston, that a well known lady
there being unable to speak aloud for a
short time from bad cold, her four
year-old boy, was wonderingly let to ask
of member of the household, " Where's
mothers boiler gone to?"-Bo7ton lroa-
script.
A SEwLY-MARR1ED lady made her
first plum pudding the other day. 9 I
aimed to make 8 good puading,' she
said to her husband, who is -sAeman:
when the dish was served. "1ou aimed.
WE'LL" he replied, as he inhaled irS de-
licious fragrance. eyes, she said, -
made plum scenter."
! AN eastern poet having seen glim-
mering on the dumb, cold lips Of dawn.
Pale languors Of inscrutable unconcern,'
western critic inquiries whether s. the
fellow who happened to be out about the
4;.,, fool;ro his horc or 81, liz ri.,
wood for his wife to get breakfast with.
noticed that remarkable phenomena L:
! TIE other day young swell fell asleep
while spending an evening with some
friends, and they, for joke, shaved of
one side of his mustache, and laughed at
him about it when be awoke. he has
been in the most distressing corsIerns-
ton ever since, because he cannot dis
cover which side it was.--SeE York
; Mail.
! A sHORT-sIGRTFp man went to an op-
tician's to change his glasses which were
; not strong enough. After he had got
the right ones, he asked, What num-
Der must I wear after these cease to be
strong enough" "This one," said the
optician, showing him another pair.
e And after that?'' "This.'' land
after that?" "After that? after that ::
You'll need little dog and string
! WHAT constitutes "news?" 4 nan
reads long columns of murder cases. halt
dozen suicides, SIS many divorces,
twice as many defalcstions, an entire
renovation Of the man Of Europe, deaths
of statesmen, savans and poets, and the
nomination of score or two OF presl-
dental ;spirants; and when his friend
asks. What's the news:" he languidly
replies, ooh. nothing" Again We ask,
what is *news? "-Bostoa Tron$cri;t.
Oh, king OF the fiddle. Wiihelmj
/ If truly you love ne, jus: tellmj;
| Just answer my sigh
! By the glance CT your eve,
/ Be honest, AMI don, try to Sslm.
| With RAPTURE YOUR music did thrilling,
| With pleasure supreme did it ti!lc;,
| And if conld believe
That You meant 10 deceive
/ Wilhelm, think ] would kiHml.
Burlington Hn7rfc2r.
ONCE upon time when a young and
inexperienced lawyer was conducting
the defense of murderer in manner
which cast gloom over the opponents
of capital punishment, when he ! tad
concluded his speech the Judge sald TO
the prisoner in the usual form: " Ac-
cnsed. do YOU desire to add anything 20
that which has been said in your de-
fense?" Berger, who was present, whis-
pered very audibly: " Advise him to cast
his lawyer upon the lcer"v' -: Re court. y
All GIN SING, a Chinaman, was
arrested in Massachusetts town last
week for stealing chrome of "Wash-
ington Crossing the Delaware He
told the astonished court that he
"wantee much Mclean man mak"e
icee," whereupon the arrestins officer
said that some one had told the celestial
that the picture was rare painting by
Michael Angelo of the father OF MS
country getting in his winters ice, and
that the pole in the hands OF the man
in the bow of the boat was the north
pole. The infatuated Chinaman lmme-