Rocky Mountain husbandman., 1879-12-11
THE BABIES.
Mark Twain's Response to the Toast Babies"
at the Grant Reception at Chicago.

tivitles'
like that. We have not all had the good
fortune to be ladies' We have not all been
generals or poets or statesmen, but when
the toast works down to the babies, we
stand on common ground, for we have all
been babies. 1t is a shame that tor thou
sand years the worlds banquets have utter
ly ignored the baby as if he didn't amount
to anything. If you will stop and think
minute; if you will go back fifty or one
hundred years to your early married life and
recontemplate your first baby, you will re-
member that he amounted to good deal,
and even something over. You soldiers all
know that when the little fellow arrived at
family headquarters you had to hand in
your resignation. He took entire command
You became his lackey; his mere body
servant, and you had to stand around, too.
He was not commander who made allow
ances for time, distance, weather or any
thing else You had to execute his orders
whether it was possible Or not, and there
was only one form of marching in his man
ual of tactics, and that was the double-qnick.
He treated you with every sort of insolence
and disrespect, and the bravest of you
didn't dare to say word. You could face
the death storm of Donelson and Vicksburg.
and give back blow for blow, but when he
clawed your whiskers and pulled your hair
and twisted your nose, you had to take it.
When the thunders of war were sounding
in yonr ears you set your faces toward the
batteries and advanced with steady tread,
but when he turned on the terrors of his
war-whoop you advanced in the other direc-
ton, and mighty glad of the chance, too.
When he called for soothing syrup did you
venture to throw out any side remarks about
such services being unbecoming an officer
and a gentleman? No, you got up and got
it. When he ordered his "pap bottle" and
it was not warm, did you talk back? Not
you. You went to work and warmed it,
You even descended 50 far in your menial
Office as to take suck OF that warm, lnsip-
id stuff, just to see if it was right, three
parts water to one of milk, a touch of sugar
to modify the collie, and drop of pepper
mint to kill those immortal hiecoughs. I
can taste that stuff And how many things
you learned asyou went along. Sentiment
al young folks still take stock in that beau-
tiful old saying that when the baby smiles
it is because the angels are whispering to
him. Very pretty, but too thin; simply
wind on the stomach, my friends. If the
baby proposed to take walk at his usual
hour, two O'Clock in the morning, did you
rise up promptly and remark, with mental
addition which would not improve san
day school book much, that that was the
very thing you We're about to propose
t yourself. Oh, you were under good disc
pline, and as you went pattering down the
room in an undress uniform you not only
prattled undignifed baby talk bnt ever
/ tuned up your martial voices and tried te
]nng f" Rock-a-bye, Baby, in the tree top
for instance. What spectacle for an army
of the Tennessee and what an affliction fol
: the neighbors, too, for it is not everybody
: within mile around that likes military
music at three O'Clock in the morning. Ant
when you have been keeping up this sort 0
: thing for two or three hours, and your llttl
velvet head intimated that nothing suitet
: hiiii oooeSi oiaiI CAoi oioO ailt' HoloC, Wii't
# did you do? You simply went on unit
/ you dropped into the last ditch. The ide
{ that baby doesn't amount to anything
1 Why, the baby is justa house and iron
yard full by itself. One baby can hlrnis
+ more business than you and your whole in
terror department can attend to-. He is er
:, Eterprising, rrepressible, brm full OF lawles
:. :. activities. Do what you please, you can
= :, make him stay on the reservation. Suff
: cient unto the day is one lately arrived. A