The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1879-11-04
HUMOROUS.


HUMOROUS.
NJ. X. and his spouse dine together.
The meal Is almost over, when he takes
the bottle of Bordeaux, in which Is loft
scanty half-glass of liquor, and pre-
parcs to empty it into his own tumblcr.
"Don't, darling, don't,' cries his
wife, who is superstitious eff you
drink tho last drop Of that vino you
Will be married again before the year
is out, and | love you tao much for
that"
And she cmptlcd tho wine into her
own glass and tosses 1t or.
ScENE.-Augusta's boudoir. Lucy
holds an open letter IN her hand, and
says: "Well, you see, dear, only met
him at Mount Desert this summer, and
we did tlirt desperately, bat It's too alb
surd, his writing to me ntw an;l Dropos-
Ing now isn't it?" Augusta---"Aw Awfully
bold, think; but then 1t IS just like II
man. Shall you accept hlm?" "Lucy
We'll | don'tknow what to do. He
don't deserve it, but then he's awfully
handsome, and besides [ really think
would be Il good wife. | can make
splendid corn bread. .
A GOOD woman, after the death Of
her husband, had married Il brother of
the departed. Sho preserved, never
Of her first spouse. Ono day u guest at
the table, noticing the portrait, asked
her If 1T was Il member Of her family.
eyes," replied the lady frankly, "it Is
tho portrait of my poor brothcr-in-
law"
A MAN was once asked how he and
his wife got along with so little fric-
ton In the family machinery. "Woll,'
said he when we first married we both
wanted our own way. [ wanted to
sleep on linen sheets, my wife preferred
cotton, and we couldn't agree. Finally
we talked the matter over and came to
tho conclusion that 1t was unchrlstian
! compromised on linen and have got
along all right ever since.
COLONEL McClurg kicked man out
of an Alabama hotel for personal af-
front. Six months after he saw the
Same man kicking another poor fellow
out Of another hotel. "Tush, man" "
said the Coloncl--"Hold, but amt you
the man l kicked out Of the Nassau
House, a little while ago?" "Keep
still, colonol," was the response.
'Don't say one word. You and know
who 1t will do to kick"
He was a plain old granger, and
when his son Informed him that he
had determined to go to college and
learn something, the old gentleman
looked straight at him and said: "Now
| look-a-hcre, John, you may learn
rcadin', ritin', arithmetic, and little
Biography, but if you grapple with any
O. them dead langwidgcs, I'll kill you
when you come home, SOS they'll do
you some good"
NINE. D., who has been guilty Of ut
| tcring Il hasty word to one of the SER
wants, rcpents and says kiHdly to him,
"John, I'm afraid | spoke Grossly to
you Il few moments ago"
John generously, "Oh, madame, you
know that always make allowances
for my poor employers -
"Do you sec here where you arc
charged, sir. with being drunk and
disordcrly 2" observed tho recorder,
holding out the affidavit Just signed and
sworn to by apolicoman. Tho tramp
took the affidavit, read 1t carefully, up
side down and replied: Am to blamc ?
| never wrote that"
FIRST Boy-"Whore yor bin, Billy?"
Second B0y-"Bin fishin'." First Boy
-"Ketch anythin'?" with an anxious
expression on his face. Far-sceins
Second Boy-"No. But | expect ter
when get into the house,"
TIE pastor and deacons Of a church
at GAINESVILLE, Texas, are said to have
played poker, Mt cents anto and 30
cents limit, while waiting for n quorum
Mt business meeting.
He Is wise preacher who pauses In
his PRAYER when the rre alarm sounds,
to allow his people to count tho strokes
| and locate tho box.
THOSE who work can tako care of
themselves, a kind Providence must
provide for loafers.
ARE you Il wall hower," he asked,
and shc replied, "No, am Il wall sir. .
Then they waltzcd.
AN Oswcgo woman thinks her hug
band very stcrn-bccause he's always
behind.
WAS William Pcnn's pockct-hand-
kcrchicf the original pen wipcr2 Who
nose?
Can the fellow who tenders q lady q
biscuit be said to offer her dou CHINA
ton.
In malarial district Of Indiana they
have baseball club they call "Qui
nine."
A MAN who goes fishing should take
luncheon along. lie may got no other
bite,
a man cares littlo for his wrongs
when getting his funeral rites.
It's game Of bluff when you try to
scale preclpice.
a SAILOR makes tarring tours.