The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1879-05-08
Wanted-An Issue.

DcIOfe the country III 1SoU, anu sweep
like the traditional whirlwind. For som,
time it has been observed that the stock Oh
hand was being gradually depleted, .an(
mat the supply pipe was becoming less ant
less reliable. About 4 year ago almost an.
| talented young Democratic politician woult
have undertaken the contract to keep thu
market glutted, and the difficulty was t,
prevent the country being swept so often
that the sweepings would not wholly Absorb
the country. Intact nearly every individual
candidate OF the great party OF Retrench
ment and Reform had his own particular
issue with which he proposed TO pulvcrizt
Republicanism, and bear away the last dus
ty particle thereof upon the aforesaid whirl
wind. It would be amusing, il it were no
so cruel, TO look over the records for tht
past year or two and note the great convul
sions and tornadoes to which the country
has been subjected without being made
aware OF it. The irresistible issues which
were TO have made clean sweep from
Maine TO Texas, have risen. fourished and
disappeared like the shifting scenes of s
drama, each proving more ridiculous than
its predecessor. until the amusing gave place
to the pitiable. First there was to be heavy
tragedy in which Watterson and his hundred
thousand lion-hearted and valiant troopers
were to make the grand entry. to be fol
lowed by dclugc of blood. The slleet-iror
of country and nerve the other to deeds OF
daring. Before the rehearsals were over,
however, ii was concluded to drop this
scene, for the section that was to march to
the support of the troopers declared that
Watterson was either a lunatic or fool. and
the lights were turned down very low,
While the fiery troopers were being eNtin-
guished under 4 wet blanket.
Next came Potter with the drama
entitled the Search for Frauds 1t was
heralded by the most tlattering newspa-
per notices, and al the nation was agog
with anxious interest and feverish expecaa-
tons. The performance was postponed
from time to time, but before the curtain
rose, it leaked out that the great ''search'' of
the manager had resulted in an interior dis
covery, and that the dcaoaemem was too I'M
pleasant for sensitive nerves; and so the all-
dience turned away disguised and sought
TO drown disappointment in the delights of
the comedy which Glover was just then
to present. The programme was
all made out with an interesting synopsis,
showing how the heavy Williams were to be
brought to the bar of justice. whilst the in
nocent Immaculates stood by serene. glo-
rious and triumphant.
When the play was put on the boards,
things became so terribly mixed in the first
act that the ImmaculateS were constantly
when the Williams should have
stalked, and in the end it turned cut that
The heavy Williams were transformed into
heroes, Whilst the injured Ilnm,acuIates
rushed frantically around in the cndeavor
% elude the search OF Justice. The au-
Hence commenced Kissing, and the cnragcd
manager screamed to Glover to put down
he curtain. The moral of this erformance
Nas so Injurious to society, and the pro-
5ramme had proven so unreliM de. that the
management had great difficulty in induc-
ng the public TO again patr onizc. The
'epeHoTe was by no means c. shausted, but
there seemed TO be such lack Z If enthusiastic
Ippreciationtbat it was determ med TO change
he character OF the entcrb ainmeut from
he eomical to the gloouiIy grand. After
ong and careful preparation the announce
ncnI went 1orth under the ;lppaling title of
'Dtes ire" 1t was to b., q presentation
ugh toned in every partiei liar, and repre-
eheeo Johh sherman ecffT sing the Sun of
Prosperity with a gold do liar. whilst dark
less intense and terrible covered the face
II the earth, and despair settled like pail
bout the people. The first of January.
$40, was allHanaced rs the day of wrath, -
nd all the nations OF the earth were in
1ted to occupy front seats. When the time
anne, and the, orchestra was instructed to
'our OFT its soul in doleful dirge of expir-
ng agony, Sherman stepped forth with mag
wand IN hand, and welding it over the
oiled and crumpled bits of paper, with
ERICH the stage was strewn, trans formed
mem into golden shekels, whilst the Sun
'urst forth with unwonted splendid L, and
IL Christendom joined i'll chorus Of praise.
The audience applauded to the echo,l out the
management tore their hair and rayed.
wearing that a miserable job had be Ell put
Up on them by rival concern. Iyhe. N they
lad sufficiently recovered from the shock
hus occasioned and the ridicule that fol-
owed, they determined to make one more
Hort, and TROOPS at the Poll 81 was put
lpon the boards. This was repared with
scenery and great are. The bill
tlckeTs throughout the Who'll 2 country were
supplied with flaming pictu res OF Patriot
SIN marching to the polls, whilst at every
tep Federal bayonets pierre ed her through.
5efore the gauntlet was run. Patriotism
vas PROSTATE in the dlr Il, Will, lust life
nough to reach for the ballot box. and
lieh go down III The gloc sn of eternal night
rom the hand of the e2 rairipo Goddess. the
'yrant Grant snatched the ticket and tore
to atoms, whilst wit the Iron Heel OF
'espotlsih he ground % powder the repos-
DRY Oh hoerty-comm .onIJr called the bal
ot-boA, When everyt hing was ready. and
ne oft deluded public had secured reserved
eats the managers found they could not
cure soldiers enough to ! ill the bill, and
esdes, Mr.. Hayes told the m that the law
ldn't permit troops at the nolls. and they
ealay would have to exc Use tbe Govern
ieiit ior nor furnishing th e supplies. The
'ioiers Oh paper We're all they could eX
ect, and if the public co uldn,t he nul]ed
itii u phantoAf exhibition /. it would have
} go by the boards.
ihls last bioV| was 81 asher. The man
'eis lusned into darA room, stopped tho
y -lioles, ooked undsr'' dhe bed, and theI
Ii TO sW ,aring at each other Each indi
olai member was WIN Nc dry in the hope
ois' covering some new issue that nigh
round loose ,pon his person. They
" mted up the { yoat o! the seasons run
Id found themse Ives b ankrupt i'll reputa
ion. morals and money , ridiculed at HON,
nd abroad wi thout renown, respect O.
csources, and V forse til an all, barren of ;
,1n