River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1879-11-13
THE TRUE ELIXIR WIFE.
Life to BE Prolonged by Progressive
Absorption of Lemons.
London Telegraph, Oct. 81.

" Makrobiotik and Eubanik, two scien-
tific methods for the prolongatiCn and
establishment of human life" has re-
Gently been subjected to somewhat Sc
we're criticism In the German press, one
of the four great natural secrets that
have baffied investigation for at least a
score of centuries has at length been
discovered by gentleman whose uni
versity diplomas demonstrate HIM to be
equally at bone in philosophy and med
icIne, and who. moreover, is full-blown
Professor of Pathology. The transmu-
tation of metals. quadrature of the cir
Gle, and perpetual motion still remain
unsolved mysteries, probably because
Lr. Schmoele has not yet turned his
attention to them; but the Elixir of Life
stands revealed to us by his patient and
laborious researches into the arcana of
nature. This precious liquor gifted
! with the inestimable faculty of protract-
| ing existence for an indefinite term-the,
| panacea for the greatest Of those ills
! that flesh is heir 10, DEATHS no cum
| ming distillation of weird and costly
/ G-ugs, no essence of the dreadful broth
| brewed by witches from such grisly
''stock" as Juice of toad and oil of adder.
! 1t is a fluid with which ali are familiar,
chiefly in convIvial association with hot
water, sugar and more or less copious
modcum of alcohol. Blended with
these materials, humanity has hitherto
gratefully acknowledged its genial and
exhilarating qualities. little dreaming
that intinitesimal doses of Immortality
were floating peTdus among the aro-
matte contents of the punch-bowl. 1t
was reserved TO DR.. Schmoele TO glad
den the world with the disclosure that
lemon juice is the eliair Uiti0. TO rival
the patriarch in number of years, 10
blunt the edge of deaths sickle in
such sort that it shall not avail to
sever the slenderest of life. threads, all
that the aspirant to immoderate lcngev
ity has to do is to absorb a sufficient
quantity oflemon-juice daily, or bet
ter still, to eat fixed number of lem
mons, l;Hn3 ),h > age or
sex, every morning and evening. DIR.
Schmoele's work contains the most
elaborate and exhaustive rules for the
practice of the lemon treatment which
may be commenced with equal certain
ty of Interior success at any time of life.
The Professor also adduces several in
stances of the efficacy with which the
consumption of lemons stimulates aged
persons to evade the assaults of the
phantom on the pale horse he is yet I'M
able to mention any case il which the
inhibition of the lemon juice has en-.
abled an authentic human being to live
forever: but he confidently hopes, in flu
ture not lar remote, to supply posterity
with an illustration, in his own person,
of his theory that "He who will eat lem
ons enough need never die" Failing
living example of indisputable immor-
tality, such as would carry conviction
to the soul of the most hardened skeptc
DR.. Schmoele directs our attention to
the celebrated painter. Count Waldeck
who died in Paris short time ago at
+. the advanced. age of 120 years.
The Professor seems to fancy that this
tough artist proves the correctness of the
above quoted theory, because Count
Waldeck was in the habit, every spring
tide, of devouring huge quantities of
horse-radish soaked in lemon,juice. at
was not the horse-radish," says Dr.
Schmoele, "but the lemon juice, that
prolonged his life for so many years"
for the truth of this postulate. It may
be that the horse-radish kept Count
Waldeck's vital spark aglow for such
an incrdinate length of time, and that
the secret of Immortality turks within
that fiery root. Besidse the Count died
alter all, so that lemon.juice, or horse
radish, or both combined, only enabled
him to stave off the evil day for per-
iod of time which, considered in rela-
ton to.eternity, cannot but accounted
brief and unimportant.
"Makrohio.ik and Eubanik," which
work We should mention. has been
publs ned by he printing office of Bonn
University, Whereby it IS invested with
a somewhat authoritative character,
teaches us what we are to do in the
way of swallowing lemon,juice in order
to attain an age TO which that of Me-
thusaleh was, so to speak mere imma-
ture adolescence. To Ladies over 40 and
under 80, commencing the citronian
systems, he prescrbes two lemons per
diem, while gentlemen between those
ages must "assimilate" at least three
lemons daily. Between 80 and 60 the
dose for ladies is set down at three, FOR
gentlemen at four lemons day. One
lemon more per diem is ordained TO
each sex for every additional decade, so
that centenarians must consume, If
women, their eight lemons daily-if
men, no fewer than nine. Upon attain
ing his 10th year, therefore, like
Count Waldeck, the gentleman who
should at that period experience the
desire further to prolong his existence
would find himself face to face with the
terrible prospect of having to swallow
015 lemons per annum for ten success.
sive years, if he wished to live so long.
Perhaps decade of life would be held
dear by the majority of the centen-
arians. If had to be purchased by the
deglutition of 40 600 lemons. The mere
notion OF so sour diet is enough to
suggest to those with a sweet tooth
ssurcease oesorrow" by the friendly aid
of the dagger or the bowl. 1t is scarcely
possible even to think of eating 40 600
lemons without shudder and con-
vulsive contortion of the facial muscles,
What would life be worth, even TO the
''neir of ali ages" if saddled with the
chronic stomach-ache that, one would
think, must accrue TO the wight con-
demned TO imbibe the juice of dozen
lemons daily2 The ''dHrd nia mes
soruna" themselves could rot cope with
the perturbation that such dose of
natural acid would set up whiting their
precincts. DR.. Schmoele's nostrum Is,
however, such as has been stated, and
Immortality, according to this sage. de-
ponds upon the consumption 81
lemons.
A boy who is polite to his father and
mother is likely to be polite to every
body else. a boy lacking politeness to
his parents may have the semoiance OF
courtesy in society, but is never truly
polite in spirit, and Is in danger. as be
becomes familiar, of betraying his want
or courtesy.
To be Kept at the Head
Each of warmers safe Remembering safe Kid
ney ana liver C,grs SAT-. Pills, safe NeTyin- ana
saf Buffers IL asserted to Ne the est OF fs class
aud the intention il - keep1s So II any med cai
expert can add an ingredient Hnio1 VIII Improve
any one Of Them be VIII be paid high prlce ior
the improvement