The Princeton union. [volume] (Princeton, Minn.) 1876-1976, 1879-09-10
' WIT AND WISDOM.

WIT AND WISDOM.
Heaven says worthy gourmand,
whose merit Is the greater because he is
dyspeptic-"Heaven is where we eat;
hell is where VIC digest"
Sarah Bernhard is by no means stout,
still this does seem to be little exager-
ated: IAN empty carriage drove up to
the door and Sarah Bernl,ardt dismount-
ed from it, "
Some one asked the master of colored
! servant why the latter always wore an IT.
reproachablc white cravat $50 as to
know where his head begins, replied the
master. - liza
A woman in New York says that when
her husband is little drunk he kicks
her, and that when he is very drunk she
kicks him; and she adds that she does
most of the kicking.
"Why, Willie," said his mother at din
ner, 'you can't possibly eat another
plate Of pudding, can you2' ooh, yes, I
can, ma; one more plate will just ill the
Bill" -. r..
When we humans are asked Cor dol
lar to help bury poor fellow, we shell
out Immediately; but there are those
among MS who would not give the dollar
to the poor fellow before he died.
A servant whose bachelor employer is
dead seeks another situation. "Can I
call on your last master?' says the lady
to whom he applies, ''and obtain, your
character from herr" ~"Not at present,
madame-he is dead!"
"But you know, pa" said the farmers
daughter, when he spoke to her about the
addresses of his neighbours son-"you
know, pa, that ma wants me to marry q
man of culture" $50 do I, my dear
so do I; and there's no better culture
in the country than agriculture"
There are few, even among the good
notices Of our time. which will rival the
following, when carefully put into prac-
tise. 1t contains within few words the
positive, the comparative and the super
tative duty of man: "Get on; get honor;
keep honest.
Meeting trouble halfway is pitiful
exhibition of folly. So is breaking your
neck or falling in love; but it you happen
to have weakness that way you can t
always, somehow help it. Besides, lit
tie worry now and again, IS the mustard
of life
While swinging their hoes in the weedhaun-
| ted rows,
! Where beans and tomatoes were growing,
! The son to his father set out to remark,
| AS warmly the sunbeams were glowing.
"Why is this spot to the place that was not
| Known to fame till that apple proceedin'?'
| Il pass u quoth the parent; then answered
! the son,
because tits the garden o: weedin,w
A Detrolter cured a long and severe at
tack ofneuralgia by falling down.. That's
nothing. Some years ago Norristown
youth as cured of bad habit of swear
ing by falling off cherry tree. Not a
single oath passed his lips since. The
fall broke his neck.
Virginia mas reason to be proud of a
model judge. His name is Barksdale.
At Halifax court house two men were
fighting. A crowd stood around seeing
the fun. Watch in hand, the Judge
stopped and said to the principals: If
you are here five minutes hence will;
Jail yon." The fight ended at once.
In little town in Missouri lady teach
er was exercising class of juveniles in
mental arithmetic. She commenced the
question. eff you buy COW for 80
when up came a little hand. What is it,
Johnny" "Why, you can't buy no kind
of COW fol- $40. Father sold one for
$50 the other day, and she was regular
old scrub at that
When man comes up to US an men
tions "that little BILL" we reply: "Oh,
yes; we should have fixed that some time
ago, kut had to go t., Memphis to write
about the scourge. Just got back to-day.
Come down t. the Office and Well give
you the money; til in our traveling-bag.' -
And he says he's got to run to catch a
train.
In sick-room: 'Ah, my dear friend,
you are too kind to come and spend the
evensng with me, though of course, it
can be little pleasure to ycu.' 20 nom
sense; you mustn't think anything of the
sort. Life isn't all pleasure. We can't
always expect to do what would he most
agreeable for us to do. sSome one had to
come and see you, you know.
! First Honest Villager- swell, how
did Jean Pierre come outs Did they con-
Wet him Of poaching?" Second honest
vlllager-"No; there was no evidence
against him, and he swore solemnlv that
lie was innocent" First honest villager
with fearful snee1) -"Innocent? o.
yes, he's innocent; just as innocent as /
am. The confounded scoundrel!' .~.
Mr.: E. P. Whipple was once intro
duced by the chairman of a rural lyceum
as follows: ''To-night, fellow-citizens.
we are to hear some remarks from E. p
Whipple, Of Boston. who will amuse and
instruct you, pro6ably" DR. Bellows tells
Of man who dropped dollar in his
hand, with the remark: II heerd YOUR
lectur' last night. approve your views,
and want to sec 'em foraded."
The surgeon had prescribed bath for
a soldier who was little ailine. and or
dered that he be conducted to an adioin.
ing establishment by a sergeant. AT the
end of an hours waiting at the bathroom
door the sergeant, hearing no noise, en-
tered the room, and found the soldier seat
cd by the side of the bath-tub. The wa
ter was as 1t was when the soldier went
into the room, except that its level had
been perceptibly lowered. VIA fol. ser
geant," said the soldier, "you NAV mt