St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1879-11-07
SQuibs.

An Iowa woman has invented a spank
aphone. She likes it but the boys don't.
No use trying to rouse any enthusi-
asm in carpenter; he always keeps
his spirit level.
The only housework that some girls
do is when they begin to dust around
after a beau.
Three feet make yard. Very true
but two feet unmake it mighty quick,
provided they are hens feet.
An exchange suggests that Parole
lecture; but the Chicago Times says
that Parole is horse-not an ass.
No, John, pig born in May does not
turn into May-hOgany-way you can fix
it Whitehall Times.
at is said that the Chinaman who
married the Newark lady the other day
now wears his hair cut short" His
queuerosity is satisfied.-[New Haven
Register.
''If there's no moonlight, will you
meet me by gaslight, dearest Juliana ~
''No, Augustus, l WON'T" she replied
''Tm no gas meter"
A Sunday school teacher asked what
was "meant by the pomps and vanities
of the wOrld.n The answer was rather
unexpected, "Them flowers on your
hat"
Fishing in the Tennessee river is
pretty good just now. The other day
a fisherman hauled up his wife, who
had been missing for two weeks, and
saved the 5000 reward offered for her
discovery.
care you professor of religion, my
little fellow ?" asked lady of her pas
tors six-years-old boy, recently. "No,
man," was the little boys prompt re-
sponse, ''Pm only the professors son !"
Some boys undertook to play base
ball in field where a ram was feeding
recently. He butted the short stop
thro' picket fence, and forced all the
rest to make home run. The boy
who was butted through the fence was
the only one who scored, and he carries
the score with him.
1t is said that Oliver Wendell Holmes
the poet, although seventy years of
age, splits his own wood. Some day
his axe will strike the clothes line, and
int1ict a cash in his head, and then he'll
wish he had let his wife do her own
work.-[Troy Times.
A Detroiter cured long and severe
attack of neuralgia by falling down
stairs. That's nothing. Some years
ago Norristown youth was cured of a
bad habit of swearing by falling off a
cherry tree. Not a single oath has es-
capped his lips since. The fall broke
his neck Norristown Herald.
Porous plasters were marked down
to fifteen cents by a Danbury druggist
yesterday. This is much cheaper than
an undershirt, to say nothing about the
saving in washing. Besides, you al
ways know where it is Danbury
News.
He was new man in the music store,
she was a delicate blonde. She enter
ed, and approaching the young man,
timidly asked, "Have you Rocked in
the cradle of the deep Fn He answer
ed with slight blush and some hesita-
ton, gazing far away toward the hori-
zon, "Well-I couldn't say-I must
have been very young at that time if 1
did."-[ cleveland Herald.
Sum people marry bekase they think
wimmin will be scarce next year, and
live to wonder how the stock holds out.
Sum marry to get rid of themselves,
aud discover that the game was one
that two can play at and neither win.
Sum marry for love without a cent in
their pocket, nor friend in the world,
nor a drop of pedigree. This looks
desperate, but is the strength of game.
Sum marry in haste, and then set down
and think it carefully over. Sum think
it carefully over fust, and then set down
and marry. No man kan tell jist ex-
actly what calico has made up her mind
tew do. Calico don't know herself.
Dry goods OF all kinds iz the child of
clrcumstance.-[ Josh Billings.
In fiourishing young city of Michi-
gan lives worthy man who has had
the misfortune to be a widower three
times, and is now living with his fourth
wife, who has two boys by former
marriage. These have been taught to
call the step-father "pa". While en-
tertalnlng company at tea few eve
nlngs since, an aggravated case of di-
vorce became the topic of conversation.
A lady expressed herself emphatically
against divorces, quoting several pas
sages OF Scripture, and concluding with
this: "And st. Paul says he that put
teth away his wife commits a grieyous
sim" At this, the oldest boy having
duly filled his stomach, suddenly took
in the whole subject by saying, ''Why,
pa has put away three or four on 'em.
and he's a deacon, [Harper's
Drawer.
The other day genuine tramp with
stomach yeaIning for a picked ND
meal, undertook to enter a yard on
Winder street. A large, fierce dog
stood at the gate to give him hearty
welcome, and after vainly trying to
propitiate the animal the tramp called
to lad of ten who was making kite
on the veranda, "Hey, sonny p eyes.
Pm hay" was the reply. "Say, bub,
call off yer dogn "No use~no use =
replied the lad. Given if you got in
here mas waiting at the kitchen door
with kettle of hot water, Sarab,s
working the telephone to git the police.
and Pm here to holler, 'murderr > and
Free Press.