Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1879-01-17
THE WITS OF THE PRESS.
THE BARBER's LOVE.

THE BARBER's LOVE.
Fair maiden, wilt thou share my fate =
love sick barber cried
oh no. sld she, 81 cannot be
A little shavers bride"
THY lip, pomade, doth wound me deep,
And cutteth sharp and keen
Soap precious art thou TO my heart,
Which homes no other queen
And since to be my bonny bride
Thou wilt not cOndesoend,
| fear my days have run their race,
And reached their lather end.
This form must crumble in the dust
These lips in death grow dumb,
This BARRIERS mug, SO fair and sau2,
Mustache-n pale become"
'Ah, there are only n very few more of us
great poets left r. sighed the Sweet Singer OF
Michigan, as she read the announcement OF
the death OF Bayard Taylor. And then she
resumed her poem on the 'Sad Death OF
Johnny Bopkins by falling of II Shed. Nor
ristown Herald.
Occasionally joaquin Miller tells bit OF
frank truth that is SO fresh as to have touch
genius in it. He is now lecturing, and speak
ing of it to an interviewer, the other day, he
said Il never get a second call to town,
but haven't got around yet, and new towns
enough are beng started to keep me moy-
ing "-[Toledo Blade.
Kansas man makes known through the
medium of the press, that one OF his hens
recently laid an egg containing the legend,
War, 1880 Some persons out there think
the man lies-but he doesn t. Heus often
lay such prophetic eggs hens 1t will be be-
ieved when We state that a Norristown hen
last week laid an egg ten inches around the
waist which not only prophesied general
war in 1885, but contained on one side u
very elaborate and artistic war map, a thrill
ing battle scene on the other, ana picture
OF a newspaper correspondent writing up
the battle for the Herald on the tapering end.
The hen is doing as well as could be expect
ed under the circumstances, and-and SO are
We. Persons who doubt this story can See II
feather OF the hen by calling at this office
after business hours. Business hours from
6 a. m. to IL p. M [Norristown Herald.
The Indianapolis Ne,rs says that ruralist
seated himself at restaurant table III that
city the other day and began on the bill of
fare. After keeping three walters nearly an
hour employed in bringing dishes 10 him he
called one OF them, Eeaved sigh and whis-
pered as he spread the bill of fare before
him and pointed with his finger Mister.
I've ct to thar and moving his finger down
to the bottom of the page-''ef it amt agin
the rule I'd like to skip from thar to thar"
That was a good. though rather severe pun
which was made by an Edinburgh student
when he asked why is Professor the
greatest revivalist of the age = and, on all
giving it up, said because at the end of
every sermon there is great awakeniug.'
A lady entered a shop lately and requested
to see some lavender KID gloves, whereupon
she WAS shown several different shades Of
that color. Being little overcome with so
great variety. she asked : Which of those
pairs is the lavenderest 2"
Pat was tending masons" who were doing
some repairs about the house day or two
ago. The hose had been in requisition, snd
Pat was directed to go into the basement and
shut of the water. few minutes after the
kitchen girl found him turning the crank of
the clothes wringer with the zeal of a man
moving. "What on arth yez doing?" de-
manded Bridget. An sure I'm just shurt-
ing off the water. compacently replied
Pat
After the Turtle is the name OF new
book published IN London. Ii Ii is the least
bit lively il ought to be able to catch up
New Orleans Picayune.l
Archie Auntie, whats torpedo. Auntie
that blows something up, my love
Archie Then are you torpedo, auntie!
Auntie No. my dear. Why Archie
Because | heard uncle telling pa you were
always blowing him up.-[Judy.
Mr.. Blades from Sheffield (atflbly to noble
lord in Bath chair, with the hereditary gou;)
'Ope your loF1ships better this morning.
can Just manage TO 'op about blt-Noble
lord severely -Aw-I was not aware that
people Of your class were subject tc my com
plant Punch.
An old colored preacher in Atlanta, Ga,
WAS lecturing youth OF his fold about the
sin of dancing, VIXEN the latter protested
that the Bible plainly said There's
time to dance ''Yes dar am a time to
dance, said the dark divine, ''and its when
:. boy e~t- whippi"' for gwiue to ball"
well-appearing gentleman walked .-,o
the bar-room OF II leading hotel the other
evening, and, protesting to be out of change,
asked the bar-keeper If he could put his UNI
brella up for drink. As it WAS II good silk
one, the security was agreed upon. The man
swallowed his beverage, and, quietly raising
his umbrella, walked out. jimmy did not
call him back. but took the Joke AS philosoph-
ically as possible dorchester Union.
Catching at a straw Curate visiting
poor cabman down with bronchitis) Have
you been i'll the habit OF going to church
Poor Cabby (faintly) Can't say | hev, sir
but [eagsrlyl I've druv a good many parties
there, sir II Punch
She wept, the poor laundress. on return
ing five shirts, where her patron had entrust-
ed her with SIX, aud confessed that she had
burned big hole in the SIKH while ironing.
Never mind, says, kindly, her customer
christmas comes but once year, and thatll
be all right. How much do | owe you!"
Six shirts at l2t cents each-75 cents.
But, | say. you burned one OF EN- up"
well, suppose / did. Hadn't washed it
before | burned it? Go along wild We ; try
ing to chate poor dissolute widow. IN. Y.
" orld.
As Prof. Nordenskjold. the Swedish e1-
plorer, WAS crossing some ice blocks in the
North Polar watels, the last syllable OF his
name got jammed between two blocks. and
At last accounts lie had not got it out, and was
in danger of losing It,