Litchfield enquirer., 1879-04-17
The Mysteries of College Life.

"Come here my little fellow can you tell me what a college is ?"
 ''Yes, sir A college is place where man can acquire thorough knowledge of athletic sports, and where he may, if he chooses, lay
 in good deal of valuable information about things which never happened"
 Right. How many colleges are there in this country ?"
 "There are only seven colleges in this coun- try-Columbia, Cornell, Harvard, Princeton, Trinity, Vassar, and Yale"
 ''What do Columbia men learn?
 "They learn how to row boat, and to jump with poles, besides the complete art of swing ing a came. They also practice horseman- ship good deal just before examinations"
 Are not Columbia men domestic in their tastes?"
 '.Yes they spend many hours by the side of their cribs
 "What do they study at Harvard ?" ''At Harvard they study Soldene unabridg ed, with electives in billiards and waltzing." "What IS dsne at Princeton?" ''They have four year course there, in the study of the shotgun scientiicalykapplied to theology, besides practical exercises in Presby terian pugilism under the direction of Dr. Nc Cosh"
 'Do you know what are the mostimportant | brancher at Cornell?"
  course in Pneumatics G. C., blowing)" Gan you tell me what they do at Vassar ?" 'Yes, 1 can, but would rather not, as it is | wrong to give such things away" "Very good when you are older you will know more about these points. Now let me ask you how Trinity men employ them selves? ?"
 ''They attend chapel the greater part of the time then they go to their rooms and illumine missals in Greek text" "What do they learn at Yale?"
 ''Ths is something that has never been dis covered. Probably never will be-" "What is a senior?" | "A senior is man who is hourly thunder struck at the immcnsity and variety of his own | learning. A senior usually discovers the cold, harsh nature of the world when he falls in l love with green-eyed girl who will not mar " him until he has an income of $2, 900 a | month and a brown-stone front in Harlem" "What is junlOr?" "A junior is one who writes poetry and
 nourishes secret griefs." ''Tell me something about sOphomores." "Sophomeres are men who carry big bang | CTS, and rent seats in chapel to freshmen for l $4 90 apiece Probably more beer is required to run good healthy class of sophomores than 1 they cenld ever pay for, if they were not al- | lowed to hang it up.'" "Do sophomeres like freshmen? ?" 'Yes sophemores do like freshmen, but you would perheps never suspect it from their manner. They are naturally reserved" "Describe freshmen" "Freshmen are babes in the wood who fall an easy prey to unprincipled tutors A cheeky freshman IS probably the lowest type of hu- | manity. Freshmen, however, should be treat ed well, because they will be seniors some | day, if they can rub along until they are out of their swaddling clothes" 'What are tutors ?" '"Tutors are beings created for the purpose of inspiring students with longing for bet ter world hereafter Many and many an in- | nocent boy, reared in Christian home, and
 with childhood full of bright promise, has been led astray and gradually sunk lower and lower until he has ended by becoming a tutor in a college" (Which department of Columbia College is the most popular with the students ?" 'Frtz's.'' "What studies are the best liked?" Navigation (with schooners), equestrian | ism (with ponies), surveying (the snob on the | avenue), and cremation with Bojesen.") ''Is it ever possible for man who is igno- rant of his own languag, who study nothing but athletics and who is remarkable chiefly for his cheek, to graduate at college?" "Oh, never '" "What, never?" "Well, hardl--"
 ''Sh-h-h! That'l do; now put on your lit- | tie striped ulster and run out and play till | dark. From Tue ActG CO5um6iana.