Daily Republican., 1879-08-14
HUMOROUs.
NO SMOKING IN HERE.


John street conductor 10 Q man wit
was pulling away vigorously at thre'
cent cigar in street car half iull Of 10
dies.
The man didn't seem TO hear.
~ say" cried the man Of the bell
puncher, in q louder key, 'if you wan
to smoke come ont here ON the plat
FORM" .t"
"All right" returned the passenger,
and he stepped ont. "Didn't think il
would hurt nothing" he said apollo
getically ; "sesin's there amt no straw
in the car to catch fire."
"But there are ladies there"
"Oh yes. l didn't think moth.
in bout that. Might get ashes on their
gowns and spile EN-"
ut isn't 50 much that" explained
the conductor, ''but ladies object ia
smoke"
swell, didn't ask any on m to
smoke, did II They needn't object be-
fere they are invited"
"You don't understand. Smoking ia
disagreeable to ladies'"
"Best reason in the world why they
shouldn't practice it. Catch me smokin'
il it was disagreeable to me ~ And he
TRANQUILITY puffed away at his three
center.
NOT ENTIRELY CONVINCED.
There was fight on Gratiot avenue,
Saturday, between man who had been
called a liar and one who had called
him thus, and the man who objected to
the epithet was only about minute
getting all the advantage to be asked
for on such occasions.
"I've had all the pounding care
for" said the under man, after he had
realized his fix.
swell, are you still Of the opinion
that I'm q liar" asked the other, as he
rose up.
"To be honest about it," slowly re.
piled the other, as he wiped the blood
off his nose, ~ am not entirely con
vinced. II l was on the roof Of 3 horse
barn, and there wasn't any ladder
handy, l think I'd call you liar again,
and run my chances Of lodging clubs. :"
Free Press"
When Macrsady was playing Mac.
beth in the English provinces, the &C
tor cast for the part Of the Messenger
in the last act was absent. So the stage
manager sent supernumersry on to
speak the lines set down for the Mes
senger, VIZ:
"As / did stand my watch upon the
hill, l looked towards Birnsm, and
anon me thought the wood began to
move"
Macbeth-"Liar and slave"
"Pon my soul, Mr.. Macready, they
told me to say it,"
The following is the latest in Califor-
MIA:
"say, Pat, have you seen Dinnis
yet ?"
"Who's Dinnis 2"
"Why, Dinnis Kearney 7"
sand who is Dinnis Kearney!' y
"Don't you know him ?"
$50, what does he do ~
"Be dad, he don't do nothing; he's
a working man."
A young man dressed in the height
Of fashion, and with a poetic turn of
mind, was driving along 3 country
road, and, upon gazing at a pond that
skirted the highway, said:
"Oh, how I would like to lave my
heated head in those cooling waters"
An Irishman, overhearing the excla.
nation, replied:
"Bedad, you might lave it there and
it would not sink"
A Whitehall man unconsciously got
himself into trouble recently. His
wife asked him where he was going as
she observed him putting on his over
coat.
"I'm going to sally FORTH" was the
reply.
''Lat me catch you going with any
Sally Forth, and there'll be first class
opportunity for set of obituary reso-
lutions."
A New York stable keeper who inva-
riably cautions his patrons against fast
driving repeated the injunction to a
gentleman who was hiring q team OF
him the other day, and received the
following response:
~ am going to q funeral, and must
keep up with the procession if it kills
the horse"
lie was permitted to drive on.
A Scotch witness somewhat given to
prevarication was severely handled by
a crosse xamining counsel. "How far
is it between the two farms ?" asked
the counsel.
"By the road it's two mile," was the
reply.
ayes, but, on your oath, how far is
it as the crow flies :"
"Well, l diuna ken +; l never was a
crow"
If you know man who is willing to
kiss your boots because you are rich
you may be sure that there is some one
whom he compels to kiss his boots in
return. He who will cringe before one
who is bigger than himself will play
the tyrant over one smaller than him
self.
A young Scotchman at Aldershot fell
ill, and was sent to the hospital. A
bath was ordered. 1t was brought into
the chamber where the invalid lay
He looked at it hard for some lime, and
then he threw up his hands and bawled
out:
ooh, doctor, doctor, Gamma drink a
that!
A dreadfully big sea serpent is sport
ing in the water near Massassauga
Point. It is about as big as stove.
pipe and wears green striped stockings
-. ka@ ~