The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1879-08-14
Putting on u Collar,

At this time of the year almost every
| man purchases some new style of Piccadil-
~ collar. AS the heat has an alarming
| tendency TO make the average collar wilt
| and look mean, he gets some with as
many phys as possible. What he wants
| is Il collar about rs thick as the wood
which is used for making cigar boxes. He
| succeeds after a diligcnt search in getting
| just what he needs, and in the evening, be-
fore cnlling on his fair one, he thinks he
will put on a new collar and white neck
| tic. lie goes to his room and selects COL
| lar, and buttons it on behind then he fas-
| tens one Of the ends in 'front.' and in doing
50 is compelled to look up in the air like a
chicken swallowing water, and to make
| facial gyrations which would bring him Il
| fortune if hc could execute them upon a
pantomimic stage. After sustained effort,
which bring forth tears and pcrspiration, he
manages to button the first end, and takes
breathing spell before cssaying to fastcn
the second. lie is in a state of desperation
now, for, unfortunately, he has but two
| hours since cut his nails 80 short that he
| finds it utterly impossible to pinch the but
tonholc around his collar button, tho inside
portion OF which occasionally grips him
| like Il wise, and causes him to puclscr up his
| pcrsimmon, and to close one eye us though
about to glancc over gun-barrcl at de-
camping cat. 1t is terrible ordeal for
him he turns around on his heel, and
sways his left arm to g i've impetus TO his
! short nails, but IL is all in vain that collar
| seems more pcrvcrsc and fixed in its inten-
tions every moment and the man feels as
| though he would like to grasp the unbut-
toned end and with one effort yank himself
off his feet. lie now grits his teeth and
takes hoid with both hands and after a
desperate encounter Of three minutes the
collar is on. After breathing spell, he
bends tho ends over, and sort of psyche
| logical rainbow cnamcls his features. The
next thing OH the programme is to get out
| white nccktc, which he does, and soon
has it around his neck and fastened in n
bow, which he thinks will find favor in the
| critical eyes of Angelina during the even
| ing. by the time he has donncd his coat
and has picked up. his walking stick and
silk hat to sally forth, he happens to notice
! in the glass that his cravat bow has per-
| cgrinatcd around to that portion of his col
| lar located directly under his left car. In
an instant his cont and vest are off, and he
| puts the bow in place, and takes pin from
his bureau to fasten his nccktic to his col
lar in Il manner which will make its shift
ing from a fixed position al utter impossi-
bility. So he cranes his neck forward for
the operation. The collar is 80 thick that
the feat of penetrating 1t with pin is no
easy matter. This he discovers after he
has made a few desperate but Intellectual
lungcs in vain. Every time he presses his
thumb against the pinhcad he imagincs it Is
about to run up into him and shoot out
| somewhere between his wrist and knucklcs;
so lie puts the back of his brush handle be-
tween his thumb and tho pin, and, after
| having 1t slip off and scratch his fingers
several times, tho pin Is finally forced
through with velocity that carries it into
his neck. Then he whimpers some, and
grasps the brush again to drive the pin from
the inside to the outside of his collar, and
thus have everything fixed to his satisfac-
ton. The pin then bends ont of shape,
and he Is compelled to throw it on the floor
| and jump on 1t for revenge Going to the
cushion for another pin, he discovers there
| Is not one In 1t 30 he picks tho Bonded one
| up oil the floor and straightcns 1t out with
his teeth. In order to fastcn that nccktic
| to his collar without having the trouble he
| experienced III his first essay, he removes
| 1t from his neck and soon has the operation
performed. He then has to button 1t on his
shirt again. After tugging at the back
button for few minutes, that valuable
member flies off, and with an expression
moro forciblc than elegant, he comes to the
conclusion that he will be obliged to put on
clean shirt. All this time he is boiling
away like mental Vcsuvius, and after he
dons the fresh shirt, he glidcs around to
her house only to discover that the object
of his affections is laid up with chills and
can't be seen. At this juncture his feelings
bcggar description, 80 the reader will please
cndeavor to imagine them.