The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1879-12-13
VARIETY.

All that the American Navy needs is some
boats. 1t has plenty of water.
The man who gets home very late at night is
frequently overjawed on meeting his wife
II YOU don't want to be robbed of your good
name, don't have it printed on your umbrella.
socIabIe man is one who. when be has ten
minutes to spare, goes and bothers somebody
who hasn't
Emmy man who kan swap horses, ketch
FISH, and lie about it, IL just about plus az
men ever git to be in this world
Some horrid brute - has discovered that the
difference between woman and an umbrella Is
that there are times when you can shut up an
umbrella
The New York World. in speaking Of Post
Master General Keys order in regard TO return
ing misdirected mail matter, says: q" Key ought
to trade surnames with Don Cameron
Whenever doctor makes his appearance in 4
new settlement IN the far West, the inhabitants
know that it is about time to pick out a location
for cemetery.
:. Green street s" called out the conductor
.. Green's treat, eh 9 q" CALCULATED an inebriAted
individual in the car - all right (hic) just's
Iieve drink of Of Green (hic)'s any other man.
Doctors say that mixed drinks are more in
furious than plain ones, and history bears out
the assertion, Tor Goliath was killed with
sling"
There is a Spanish proverb which says:
Z" When you choose a wife shut your eyes and
commend your soul to God" In other words,
60 it blind
IL is said that girl who can shed three or
four tears at a critical moment, and follow them
up with quiyering sigh, can marry all around
a good looking blonde who does nothing but try
to blush.
The Galveston Ne,rs gives some interesting
marriage statistics. Ii states that Shakespeare
was married at Is, Dante at %, and Brig gham
Young at Is, 10, %, 2l, %, %, "a, etc.
History repeats itself, but sometimes with de-
cided variations. Diogenes had a tub. 5. j. L.
had barrel. One was looking for honest men
the other for dishonest Ones.-PhiEadeIPhiG BIile-
tim
Student, fresh from college, to conductor
IS l wish TO get on the penuItimate car" Con-
take the smoker" Mutually disgusted.-PHtS-
burg Chronicle.
A bridal couple from WashOe Valley, at
breakfast this morning, cOnVersed follows
=" He. Shall skin you q pertater, hOney?"
She No, thank you, dearie; I have one al
ready skun.''- Virginia Chronicle.
To the advice, drink whisky only IN the
months that have X in their Names the
Ottawa RepubkcaH says nine-tenihs Of the fellows
would spell that month - Oktober." And, Of
course your Knovember can be counted too.
In his address at the Savannah Centennial,
General Gordon asked, - What does not England
owe 10 Ireland2'' Well, she doesn't appear to
owe her any good will. Ask n hard one, away
:n the back Of the book.-Halrkeye.
Col IngersoIl's "a Bible " lies on the center
table in his parlOr. In &c, at the appropriate
places, are leaves for the family record, and on
the cover in raised gilt letters, is the inscription
a. This is an inspired book" The volume is
copy Of Shakespeare
A paper in Memphis relates q case of a beauti-
full Young lady, the daughter Of wealthy parents
eIoniug with an editor. This Is it should be.
we thought all along that the young lady would
eventually recover from the coachman mania and
aspire to the nobility again.
A teacher defined conscience - something
within you that tells you when you have done
wrong - bad It once" spoke up young
tow-head Of six summers, - but they had to send
for the doctor"
The Oil City Derrick asks this conundrum
What is a gentleman ;" gentleman, old
fellow, Is man who comes into newspaper
Office once in a great while and pays for his
paper in advance. We always thought you
knew that else we should have told you before.
A man can always write better than he can
speak. ThiEls rule of universal application.
Even when a gentleman stands on the bank of a
traut stream, he gets no fish by speaking, though
never so eloquent: but, on the other
nd, If he Just IS drop line to the finny tribe,
the, respond with great alacrity