Daily globe., 1879-02-23
Look Not Upon the Mlnce Pie When It
Is Red.

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wish all to guard against. 1t is hidden
by the still summer sea, but upon it many
a human bark has split. ! refer to the
mince pie. Yes, my hearers, the mince
pie is rock that has brought. thousands
to watery graves-or, not to watery
graves, exactly, but you understand what
l mean. The mince pie is the curse of
our land. 1t is alluring our youth from
the path of virtue and soDriety, and lead
ing them down to ruin. 1t begets an ap-
petite for strong drink that sweeps every
thing before it. Look not upon the &C
cursed thing. Shun it as you would a
viper. Sit on it; trample it under your
feet, as it were.
once knew brilliant young man,
loved and courted by al! who knew him
His is the story of thousands. This
young man used to visit his aunt in the
fall, that fatal time of year when the
mince pie stalks up and down through
the earth, seeking where it may devour
somebody. This young mans aunt could
make mince pie till you couldn' rest
and her arts lured him to destruc-
ton. That insatiate monster. At first
IC alC llSuCiN VI IuC uuluS ]')DN, tucu,
as his appetite grew by what it fed upon,
ne ate deeper and deeper. until after
every meal he would sink into heavy
sleep only to awake with head on him
bigger than Daniel Webster's. He would
chew cloves and cardamon seeds for hours
and yet you could smell his breath across
the biggest county in the State.
He saw that he was becoming slave
to the accursed pie. His afianced bride,
who to him was the one fair woman be
meath the sun, said she would never marry
man that smelled like distillery that
employed three hundred hands and was
in full blast all the time, and unless he
reformed, she would be nothing to him
but sister. The young man had all the
sisters he wanted, and, falling at her feet
he registered solemn oath, and had ii
copyrighted next day, that a mince pie
should never pass his lips again as long
as be lived. But, alas he was already a
slave to strong pie,and in less than twenty
four hours he tore himself away from his
sweetheart, who made frantic grab for
his coat tails, and fled to his aunt's in the
city, and said he hoped she would have
some Of her excellent mince pies fo1
dinner.
The good aunt, Ignorant of the fact that
she was putting an enemy in his mouth
to steal away his brains; set 'em up,
so to speak, and in less than two
hours the young man was rip-roaring,
staving drunk, as usual. All, my friends,
the story is CHASTITY one, and needs nc
establishment. While in this condition
the young man, the pride of his parents
and the whole of a woman's heart, was
arrested for drunkenness and disorderly
conduct. On the way to the mayors
office he shot the officer dead in his
tracks, blew out his own brains with an
other barrel of the pistol, and then went
back and killed his aunt and dog that
she paid three dollars tor.
My friends and fellow sufferers, from
the mince pie to the tomb is but step.
1t mince pies must be made, I demand,
IN the name of the youth of our country,
that people who manufacture them be
compelled to take out license. If thew
must be eaten, beg of you, as you value
your souls salvation, do not eat them
straight A serpent turks m every one of
them. Ten thousand devils lie beneath
every crust, be it baked ever so nicely.
Every currant hides a demon with a
forked tongue of flame and a seven
pronged pitchfork. The suet, the citron
and the chopped meat are the broth of
hell, and the whole business from stem to
stern ia mockery, and strong drink is
raging.
The conclusion, my beloved hearers,
touch not, handle not-enter not into
into temptation; or, in other words, look
not upon the mince pie when it is red,
when it giveth its color in the cupboard.
--OI CitY Derrick.