The Portland daily press., 1879-01-20
Cap and Bells.

The way was long, the wind was cold.
Inc minstrel was infrm and old,
but MS jokes were darned sight older:
as Ior Their inhrmity, they were so
IDlernally intrm, that If printed
In newspaper they would not
stand up unless clasped around
The waist with aud } and
braced up with italicized letters.
-OU City Eerrick.
Chic. Times: Smoking is very ipjurious-to
tobacco.
New York World: Elijah and not TyndaIl
was the originator of the prayer test.
New York Commercial Advertiser: L. must
have been peculiarly touching to see the para
grapher of the early evolutionary period wsg
his tail with approval when he read or wrote
something more than ordinarily funny.
Here Is another method of reversing the sit.
uation:
The dalry-maid pensively MIXED the goat,
And pouting she paused to mutter:
81 WISH you brute, you would turn to milk"
And the animal turned to butt her.
A little girl visiting a neighbor with her
mother was gazing curiously at the hosts new
bonnet, when the owner queried, "Do you like
1t, Laura?" The innocen. replied, "Wby,
mother said it was perfect fright, but 1t don't
scare me-" Laura's mother didn't stay long
after that.
The bay is father to the map. It is recorded
OF General Grant that when he was q little boy
at school, one of his com panions Dire W from his
pants pocket big apple. The future general,
with the instinct of coming greatness, imme-
diately said, "Lst as have piece, an I'm goiu's
havit If it takes all GUNNER" He got it,
New York Herald, P. L-If you are too poor
to get telescope that will discover planets
invisible to the naked eyes, buy pair of club
skates. strike out boldly on the ice, and when
your blood is up and your heels are also up,
look right into the blue sky, and the planets
will come right down and play tag around the
tip Of yoar nose.
Captain Bogardus offers to shoot DIR. Carver
for 81, 900 -Ex. DR.. Carver never harmed US,
aud we shall not contribute a cent towards
having him shot, But if the Captain will shoot
MIR. 1--WE withhold his name out of re-
spect to the feelings Of his aunt in the country
for thousand dollars, Wen subscribe OH the
spOt.-Norristown Herald
Fond du Lac Reporter: The mental discom-
htuie OF the man who slips down on an icy
pavement, and who knows that nunbsr of
his acquaintslcss witnessed his fall, ia only
squalled by that Of the man who claps his
hands enthusiastically 10 applause of a speaker
or singer, only to find that no Que else joins
him in his expressions of delight, but that all
the rest OF the audience are turning their heads
to find out who that impulsive fool is.
Datroit Free Press:-A few morning since a
lady living on Clifford street answered the bell
to find bulky boy with an innocent face and
peach colord ears standing on the steps He ex-
planned that he wanted to see her bus bind, and
she answered that her husband had left for his
Office. 'Pm the boy who sweeps out all the
offices where he is," said the boy as hs backed
down the steps, 'aud this morning 1 found
letter in the big scrap-3ack" "Wen, you can
leave it," she replied. "I-I guess hadn't bet
ter" he half whispered, as hs showed the
small pink envelope. "Boy-taat s-boy, let
me see that letterP' she said, as she advanced
and extended her hand "Oh, twouldn't be
'zactly right. ma'am, cause know he'd gin
me fifty cents" ''See here boy" she said as
she reached for the dollar bill left her to buy
coffee and tea, "you take this, give me the let
ter, and don't say a word to Mr.-about
finding it," II don't believe it's much of o
letter" he remarked. "Never mind-hand it
over-here's your money! '.Mebbs there
han't word of writing in it, ma'am" "Here
give me the letter-now go" Sne took il
and entered the house and the boy with peach
colored ears flew down the street like a can
nibal going to dinner. In about forty seconds
the woman came out, looked up aud down the
street, and the expression around her mouth
was not happy and peaceful. The boy had
seemed to doub. that there was any writing in
side the envelope, put she was not quite pre-
pared to tear it open and find a printed docu-
munt commencing: "Whereas, default having
been made in the conditions of a certain
mortgage" Sc. She wants to hold another To-
terview with the lad If this meets his eye he
will please call between the hours of eight and
t5n O'Clock a. M, when she feels the strongest
American State Pride.
oft tbo