The Portland daily press., 1879-06-13
Mark Twain as Presidential Can

OlQdU0.
This is the way Mark Twain once announced
himself as candidate for President:
Il have pretty much made up my mind to
run for President What the country wants is
candidate who cannot be injured by investi-
gatlon OF past history, so that the enemies of
the party will be unable to rake up ANYTHING
against him that nobody ever heard of before
Ii you know the worst about candidate to be-
gin with, every attempt to spring things on
him will be checkmated. Now L going to
enter the field with an open record I am 60
ing to own up in advance to all the wickedness
L have done, and If any Congressional commit
tee is disposed to prowl around my biography
in the hope of discovering any dark and dead
ly deed that L have secreted, why-let it
prowl.
In the first place, admit that treed a
rheumatic grandfather of mine in the winter
Of fee ls50 S He was old and inexpert at climbing
Characteristic of me, I ran him out of the front
door in his night-shirt at the point of a shot
gun and caused him to bowl up maple tree
where he remained all night, while emptied
shot into his legs. did this because he snored.
l will do it again if ever have another grand
father. 1 am as inhuman now as was in
1850. L candidly acknowledge that ran away
at the battle of Gettysburg. My friends have
tried to smooth over this fact by asserti ng that
did so for the purpose OF initiating Washing
ton, who went into the woods at Valley Forge
for the purpose of saying his prayers 1t was
miserable subterfuge struck out in a straight
line for the Tropic of Cancer because was
scared. wanted my country saved, but l
preferred to have somebody else save it. en-
tertain that preference yet. If the bubble rep
utation can be obtained only at the cannon's
mouth, 1 am willing to go there for it, provided
the cannon is empty. If it is loaded, my i'm
mortal and inhexible purpose is to get over
the fence and go home. My invariable prac-
tice in war has been to bring out of every fight
tWO-thlrdS more men than when + went in
This seems to me to be Napoleonic in its gran
deur.
My financial views are of the most decided
character, but they are not likely, perhaps, to
increase my popularity with the advocates of
imitation. do not insist upon rag money or
hard money: The great fundamental princi-
pie of my life is to take any kind 1 can get
The rumor that buried dead aunt under
my grapevine, was correct. The vine needed
tertilizing, my aunt had to be buried, and /
me for the Presidency? The Constitution of
our country does not say so. No other citizen
was ever considered unworthy of this office be-
cause he enriched his grapevines with his dead
relatives Why should l be selected as the
first victim of an absurd prejudice
admit also that 1 am not friend of the
poor man.. regard the poor man in his pres
ent condition as so much wasted raw material.
Gut up and properly canned he might be made
useful to fatten the natives of the cannibal
Islands and to improve our export trade with
that region. l shall recommend legislation
upon the subject in my first message. My
campaign cry will be: Desiccate the poor
workingman; stuff him into sausages'
IheSe are about the worst parts of my rec
ord. On them come before the country. If
my country don't want me, l will go back
again. But 1 recommend myself as a safe
mana man who starts from the basis of total
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