South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1879-10-10
WIT AND HUNIOs.

dantic bore who forced himself upon
him, and made great parade of hi,
shallow learning. The Doctor bore it a,
long rs he could, and at length, looking
at him gravely, said: "My friend, YOU
and 1 know all that is TO be known >
GLOW is that?'' said the man, pleased
with what he thought very compliment
tary association. "Why," said the Doc.
tor, "You know everything except that
you are fool, and / know that"
Two eminent members of the Irish
bar. Doyle and Yelverton, quarrelled one
day SO violently that from words they
came to blows. Doyle, the more pow
erful man of the two. knocked down his
adversary, exclaiming most vehemently.
"You scoundrel, I'll make you behave
yourself like a gentleman To which
felverton, rising. answered with equal
Indignation, ''No, sir, never DEFY YOU !,
l defy you you can't do it,
A great many of our modern Young
LADIES resemble the lilies of the field
they toll not neither DO they spin, But
they spend pile of money and Law a.
round the house and let their mothers
do all the work. That's the kind of
hollo-hock they are
Old Tom Purdie, Sir Walter Scott's
favorite attendant, once said, "Ihem
are fine novels of yours, Sir Walter
they are just invaluable to me-" 81 am
glad to hear it, Tom" returned the nov.
elist. eyes, sir" said Tom "for when
have been out all day hard at work,
and come home tired, and take up one
of your novels, I'm asleep directly"
The difference between riding horse
and riding hobby consists in this
that one can get off horse at any time.
but once on hobby, man can never
get off.
A MINNESOTA LIAR.-"Lets's see.
my ieSiSc sumo wheat III hlllucSOta,
don't they ?" asked Schoharie, gran
ger of Michigander
"Raisc wheat Who raises wheat p
No, sir; decidedly no, sir. 1t raises it.
self Why, if we undertook to cultivate
wheat in that State it would run us out.
There wouldn't be any place to put our
house"
"But I've been told that grasshoppers
take good deal of it,
"Of course they do. If they didn't |
don't know what we would do. The
cussed stuff would run all over the State
and drive us out-choke us up. Those
grasshoPPers are a Godsond, only there
amt half enough o en-
Is that wheat nice and plump z"
"Plump Why, I don't know what
you call plump wheat but there are II
in our family, including 10 servants, and
when we want bread we just go out and
fetch in korncl Of wheat and bake it,"
"Do You ever soak It in water first 2"
ooh, no that wouldn't do. 1t would
swell n little and then We couldn't Get it
III our range oven
A little three-ycar old boy ran to his
mother the other day with q bunch of
corn silk crying, "Me dot some hair for
papa's bald head" There were several
ladies by, and the father didn't apprc.
oiatc the joke exactly.
A BURGLARS KIss-A few nights
ago several burglars effected an entrance
to a house in Montreal. They wandered
through the house collecting all the val
liable clothing they could find, rolled it
up, and threw it out Of the window
They found their way into the bedroom
where Mr. Mernrd, the man Of the
house, and his wife, were asleep. Here
they found watch and chain. gold
ring, and several other valuaJlcs, Of
which they took possession. The last Of
the burglars to leave the room had 10
pass by the bed where Mrs. Meuard Inv
asleep. He paused for q moment, and
then resolved to add to his sicllings the
theft of a kiss. lie stopped down and
kissed the sleeping beauty who was
awakened. She recognized the burglar,
who has since been arrested The NOR.
al Of which is young man, never steal
a kiss"
Boy, don't you know my better than
to be lettering around the streets in this
way on this beautiful Sabbath day2''
said n Sunday-school teacher on his way
to his Bible class. oh, my cye,
guess do, sir; I'm O goin hshin just
az soon as the other fellows come along.
exclaimed the young hopeful.