The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1879-03-12
EDITOR DAGsHors ASSISTANT.


Colonel Bagshot runs weekly newspaper
called the Union up in Chodunk. Recently
the Colonel was called away to New York on
business, leaving tho Union in the hands Of
an assistant who had been in his employ some
little time.
Now the Colonel knew that said assistant
had the cheek Of a brass statue, aud the au--
dacity of a New England fly, both indispen-
sable attributes Of the newspaper man but
still, after being in the city about week, he
began to grow uneasy and telegraphed to Cho.
dunk
How's things"
Back came the answer from the Unions
wliilom editor:
Bully circulation of the old things gone
up thousand. Been getting mp a red-hot
paper, and there's a gang outside that are
weeping because they can't hoist the shingles
off the roof and knock the whole concern to
pieces. Stay away as long as you like.''
Bagshot didn't waste q moment after re-
ceiving this encouraging dispatch
| He started home on the first train, and
reached Chodunk before night.
The first man that struck him was the tick
ct agent.
Look here, Colonel - he cried excitedly,
1--WE good notion to punch your head you
brazen.faced old liar''
"Why? ?" asked Bagshot.
Read that" and the ticket agent showed
a crumpled Union into his hand
There was paragraph marked as fol-
lows:
/" Railroad News.-The handy legged idiot
who robs the railroad company at this village
has purchased new pocket knife. More
knocking down from the cash drawer.'
Bagshot bit his lip.
Bill, T" said he, that's calumny, and I'll
see it righted in our next. It's my mean
assistants work"
don't care whose work it is" growed
the agent, but if 1t amt contradicted some
body's got to die that's ALL
Bagshot didn't reply, but sailed down the
street to the Union Office.
He had not gone half block before he col
lided with Deacon Marsh.
The Deacon seized him by the shoulder and
exclaimed
What do you mean, Bagshot, by insert
ing that scandalously untrue item about
me?"
" Didn't insert any tem," replied the COL
onel.
Don't sneak out of it that way. You
know you did. Why, just cut it out of the
Union-listen
g Religious Intelligence. That whted sep
nlChre, Deacon arsh, was noticed, last Sat-
urday night, trying to open the coal-hole in
front of his residence with his night key. The
Deacon was full as a goat, and couldn'5 tell
moonshine from green cheese"
Now, that's nice amt it, saying that
was intoxicated Sunday night, when went
to bed at seven with raging toothache Pr
:" It's that reckless fool whom I left ii,
CHARGE" groaned tho Colonel am make it
all right, Marsh" and Bagsbot hurried on
again, only to be confronted by Major Blim.
The Major clutched him by the collar.
Colonel uttered Blim, in his deepest
voice, "this is vilainous It's my intention
sir, to call you out and shoot you through the
heart. What the deuce do you mean by pub
lishing this note in the Union: M
Z" Military lettings Major Blim, the tat
tered old beggar, who hid in am oyster barrel
during the battle of Bull Run, wears wig
He ought to be shot in the back with baked
apple"
" can't help 1t, Blim," said Bagshot, wip-
ing his forehead, it's all owing to that young
devil in the Office. He has made q red-hot
paper. just wait, Major, and I'll fix things.
Then Bagshot started again. BY The post
Office, old Parker grabbed him.
"oh, you unfeeling ghoul /" walled Park
or, "you ought to be rode Oh rail. The
idea of making fun of my poor dead child -
How ?"
How Have you the cheek to ask how |?
Maybe you didn't shove this into the Union,
did you. you heartless hypocrte
OBITUARY.
Little Bonnie Parker
Had stomach pain,
Rhubarb and pecac
Both were in vain
He kicked the golden bucket,
His parents hearts sore,
| They'll bury him tomorrow,
AT quarter of four.
promised the bereaved father a two. column
notice of the dead Benny's many virtues.
Hardly had he done so, before young Zim-
mers appeared.
''Colonol Bagshot" announced he, you're
a lying scoundrel. This is a nice thing to
put in your blackguard sheet about young
lady
+" Society Hens.-Miss SimpkiDs, the old
maid on South street, values around in
patent hustle in the hope of catching fellow.
But she can't not even il she lays the paint
on twice as thick as she does now"
But Bagshot didn't stop to hear 1t.
lie flew across the Square and into the I'm
| ion Office like fash.
No one was there. That able assistant ed
itor, warned by friends unknown, had dust
ed " forever. Lying on the desk was Union,
folded SO that this notice caught Bangshots
eyes:
g Literary Mems.-The bal l-headed old
snipe who pretends to run this paper has gone
to New York. We expect to hear every mo-
ment Of his sentence to Sing Sing for arson
and highway robbery. The citizens of Cbo-