Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1879-06-13
F. u N :


s'What is home without baby?" is a
question we are tired of seeing in our ex-
changes, SO we will settle this matter at
once. A home without baby is one
where you won't get hold of bottle of
paregoric every time you make for your
whisky flask; a place where men are not
made bowling maniacs by sitting down on
diaper pins; house where diminutive
shoes are not fshed out of the soup, and
watches are not found floating in the
washbewl; house where the man of the
house is at the head instead of the foot of
the class; a place-but we don't want all
the mothers of the land sailing into us; let
somebody else continue the refrain
Toledo Commercial.
In little town in Missouri lady teach
er was exercising class of juveniles in
mental arithmetic. She commenced the
question, eff you buy COW for ten dol
lars" when up came little hand.
''What is it, Johnny?" "Why you can't
buy no-kind of cow for ten dollars. Faith
er sold one for sixty dollars the other day,
and she was regular old scrub at that!'
In primary school, some time ago, the
teacher undertook to convey the idea of
the use of the hyphen. She wrote on the
blackboard ''Bird's-nest,' and, pointing
to the hyphen, asked the school: "What is
that for?"N After short pause, young
son OF the Emerald Isle piped out: ''Plaze,
oo9o for% 1o 10
''The best way remarks an exchange,
s'to find out, at this season, whether you
ought to carry an umbrella is to toss a
cent. The result will be just as reliable as
if you spent half an hour straining your
neck and getting pains in your back look
ing out of the window at the sky, and you
will save yourselves a series of exhausting
mental efforts"
'sWhy, papa" said girl to her father,
away long in the night when she and her
Adolphus were in conversation upon the
ethics Of dust and kindred topics. "Why,
papa, what are you looking for?'' sob,
nothing; just thought I'd get up an6 see
sun rose and vanished, and the old man
went back to bed.
'Will you marry me2'' asked Sir Rep
titiOus of Miss Jennie Rossity. ssCertain-
ly," replied the blushing maiden; 81 am
too generous to refuse to grant small
favor like that.'' Yet, after they had
been married few months the gentleman
found it was case of mistaken generosity
Practical Yankee-'Well, yes, sir, 1
give in to you. Shakespeare was genius.
But he didn't seem to put it to practical
use. Never benefited civilization with a
washing machine, nor a patent turnip-
peeler nor anything of that sort. Still, he
was smart man,
Waiting maid.-s'Good morning, doc
tor; my gracious lady sends me to beg
you to come to her husband as quickly as
possible; she does not wish him to die
without your assistance
A sewing machine agent who was very
i'll being told that he must prepare to pay
the debt Of nature, wanted to know if it
couldn't be paid on the monthly Install
ment plan.
The man who comes to the station two
minutes behind time, and sees the train
starting out at the other end, derives no
satisfaction from the proverb, ssBetter late
than never"
A man in the west-end guarantees an in
fallible cure for consumption for the trifl-
ing sum of one hundred dollars. This
amount of course includes the price of the
coffin and other funeral expenses.
The weather has undergone great
many changes great many changes,
unused Mr.. Smiley, as he took his ulster
from it's nook of retirement for the seventh
time this season.
'Never deceive your children" says
Professor Swing. No, don't do it. Many
child has been ruined for life by pill
hidden under spoonful of preserves.
A grocer had pound of sugar returned.
with a nete, saying: "Too much sand for
table use, and not enough for building
purposes"
Reubenstein is writing Russian opera
called "Kupee kalasenhlhold." We have
often wondered why some one didn't write
an opera on that subject.
A Scotch lady hearing that it was de-
sirable in any danger to have presence Of
mind, replied, ST would rather have ab-
ses.ce Of body"
One of the most interesting sights in
life is that of spirituelle young lady
sharpening lead pencil with table knife.
Music hath charms to soothe the savage.
This is why we occasionally see cross dog
with brass band around bis neck.