The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1879-02-20
JOHN PHGNIx AND JEFF. DAVIS.
New story Told of the Greatest OF Ameri-
can Humorisfs.

A New York correspondent of the
Indianapolis journal gives the following
interesting reminiscence of the late John
Phoenix Lieutenant Derby, of the
United States Army:
When Frank Pierce was President,
JEFF. Davis, then Secretary of War,
issued general invitation to officers of
the army who were skillful draughtsmen
to send in suggestions for the new uni
form which it had been decided to adopt
One such invitation was sent to each
officer. Lieutenant Derby was very
skillful with his pen-a really ingenious
artist. In reply he sent to the War De-
partment q design for new uniform
or rather peculiar addition to the old
uniform - the amendment consisting
merely of ring attached to the seat Of
the trowsers of each private soldier.
Each officer was to carry, instead of a
sword, a long pole, with hook in the
end like a shepherds crook. The pole
and the ring enabled officers to keep the
privates from running away in battle.
Fugitives could easily be caught by it
and brought back. Stragglers could be
kept in line. Moreover, the ring would
be very useful in the cavalry service to
fasten soldiers to the saddle to prevent
them from falling off; and in the artil-
lery service the rings were to be used
for draught purposes in the absence of
mules.
These specifications were accompanied
by the most grotesque pictures, repre-
senting officers hauling back cowardly
recruits by the serviceable ring, cavalry
securely fastened to the top of their
steeds by the same device, and artillery
men harnessed to cannon, drawing them
through narrow defiles, or up an accliv-
ity inaccessible to mules, by cables at
tached to the posterior staples.
On another sheet of bristol board was
an illustration in gaudy colors of "Der-
by's Rotary Mule Howitzer," accom-
panied by the following description:
"Upon the back of young and vigilant
mule, strap mountain howitzer, the
muzzle pointing towards the tail. A
similar piece of ordnance is fastened
with iron bands under the animals ab-
domen, the muzzle aimed between his
forelegs to the front. There are four
gunners, two to each piece, and per-
suader,' as he is called, whose business
it is to persuade the mule to stand firm
and not retreat, by stufing him with
oats, after each discharge, with tin
sausage-stufer. When Indians, or other
legitimate game, appear in view, the
mule is, by a crank movement on the
tail, limbered to the front. 1t don't
make any difference which way the mule
faces (and here is where my point comes
in) one gun is always pointing towards
the front. At the command Fire I"
the top howitzer is discharged. The
recoil throws the mule on his back,
bringing the second gun into position.
This is discharged, which suddenly
throws the mule to his feet again, when
the gunners swab out the mules throat
with hay and reload" The accompany
ing Illustrations Tin brown, blue, and
gold, and still on file in the War Depart
ment) represented the rotary mule in
seven different attitudes, looking con-
tented and happy ali the time.
This was felt to be outrageous audac-
ity on the part of a subaltern. The
clerks in the War Department laughed
at the funny letter immoderately, but
their superiors looked serious. Jefferson
Davis, the head of the Department, was
terribly indignant, and he resolved to
defend his wounded dignity. Charges
and specifications were drawn up against
Lieutenant Derby, and the officers were
actually named for the lt-martial,
when VIM. L. Marcy, Secretary of State,
a man of more sense and self-poise, said
to the irate Secretary: "Now, see here,
General Davis; don't do it. This Derby
has doubtless superhuous development
of humor. But he is shrewd and inge-
nious, and really a fine draughtsman.
He has valuable qualities. You can
organize court that will convict him,
but you will be butt of ridicule on ac-
count of it all your life. Better file the
suggestions of the crook-and-ring and
the lively rotary mule, and say moth
ing" And he did.