Daily Republican., 1879-11-06
HI MOROUS.

Professor Thomas, recently connected
with Butler University, was notet
chiefly for his exactness in the use o
the vernacular. One night he wa.
awakened at an unseenly hour by dis
cordant sounds of midnight revelry
from the direction OF a students bed
room. Dressing himself hastily, lit
hurried down the hall, and, after few
knocks on the bolted door to enforcs 81
lsnce, he called out, eli, you fellows
in there Can't you make less noise p
"Who's out there '' was the respone
OTIS me-"
J "Who are you ?"
I "PrOtessor Thomas"
"You're q liar. You can't fool us
Thomas would have said, 1T is l.
Come on bows, just once more" And
the strains of Landlord, fill the flow.
ing bowl !" resoundej through the
house till daylight The affair was
nevsr alluded to by the Professor.
WELL AEswERED.-"Havs you been
in prison :" asked a lawyer of wit
ness, whom he was disposed to badger
and bully, as the profession are apt to
do.
"Yes, sir..'
"When :"
"In 1868"
"Where 7"
"In AndersOnyille.
There was momentary pause for
breath, and then round Of applause
tn at shook the court room. The law
yer felt all the rest of the day as if an
inch and a half hose attached to a
street, ,hrydrant were playing to the tune
Of the "Rogue's March" up and down
his spinal column.
The other night at a London club
some Americans were boasting about
their inventions and the wonderful ma
chimes to be found in the States. One
of them told of the well-known machine,
which, live pig being introduced at
one end, turns out the animal into sau-
sages at the other. An Irishman, who
was not going to have the Yankees rid
ing rough-shod over every other nation,
turned on them and said "Bedad,
we've got the same machine in Ireland,
only ours is more perfect, sure, for if
you don't like the sausages, you can
put them back into tho machine, and
by reversing the action they'll come
out live pig agin where he went in"
A ford mother on the West Side who
wrote to the Tribune Home Department
inquiring what was good for sore mouth
in babies, inadvertently left her COM
munication on the table of the gentle
man who runs the veterinary column,
and was shocked in receiving an an
swer sta ing that she had better try a
rubber bit and an overhead check. elf
this fails" continued the Vet, "have
his teeth fled" The fond mother i'm
mediately discontinued her subscrip-
tion to the paper and walked up four
flights of stairs to communicate the
dreadful intelligence to the editor
Chicago "Tribune."
The train had pulled out. A young
man rushed breathlessly in. The OIL
City Derrick tells the rest of it: scot
left, did youN' "Well, amt | here!"
he responded. Then one said he could
go across the bridge and catch it, and
another told him when the next train
would go, and made various sugges-
tons. The chap looked at the disap-
pearing train few moments, when
asked, 'Where were you
going?' Then the wicked fellow said:
son. | wasn't going on it, but there
was a fellow on that train to whom |
promised to pay BILL
AmAS UP on North Hill is just the
madest man. He went to Philadelphia
and paid $500 for pure-blooded bird
dog, with pedigree longer than the
table of the kings of Eng.
land, and the dog hadn't been home
two days before the next door neighbor
killed him with q brick in his hen
house, where the thoroughbred was suck
ing eggs. Blood is as uncertain and
are in dog as it is i'll the South
American cattle.
"WErL MY SON. said good.natured
'ather to an eight-year old son the her
night, "what have You done to-day
hat may be set down as q good deed?"
Gave poor hoy five csnts," replied
he young hopeful. "Ah, ah?' that is
aharity and charity is always right.
He was an orphan boy was her"
Iidn't stop to ak, replied the boy. 81
gave him the money for licking a boy
who upset my dinner basket"
Lady L. Duncan was an heiress, and
Sir W. Duncan was her physician dur
pg a severe illness. One day she told
nim she had made up her mind to
marry, and upon asking the name OF
he fortunate chosen one she bede him
70 home and open the Bible, giving him
,hapter and verse, and he would tiud
I out. He did so, and read what Ma
han said unto David, "Thou ART the
man."
The proprietor of a bulding.site in
advertises his land for sale
n this wise: "The town of Poggis and
country is the most beau