Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1879-04-17
HUMOR OF THE HOUR.

A pressing necessity-A fla, iron.
A poor relation-A story badly told.
A temperate barber will seldom razor now.
An honest dog is right up and down-that
is purp-endcular.
If you want TO make ''match-safe," put
it in damp place.
Nothing so lubricates the muscles as sweet
toil.-Boston Transcript.
The fellow who wrote, "Ob, ask me not
again." must have been full.
Faber, the pencil man is dead, but no man
left more marks behind him.
A New York insurance man calls his wife
Honesty, because lis the best policy.
AS rule, journalists have small purses
and the humO.st is not wit better off.
An Idaho town having but one girl, is
called Onegirlia. How far is this from Boise
City.
Why are your nose and your chin con-
stantly at variance? Because words are con-
stantly passing between them.
This is the season of the year when vener-
able hens enter their second childhood and
are broiled for spliug chickens.
'My lord" began pompous young bar
rister, ut is written in the Book of Nature"
Ou " udG page, SH-Ou WudL page! lulcE-
rupted the judge, pen i'll hand.
IL say Jim," said creditor to bankrupt
the other day, ''whatll you pay?" ''Wall,
Pm going to pay fifty cents on the dollar if I
have to pay it out of my own pocket"
A sparkling young debetor, in a flight of
eloquence exclaimed: ''Mr. President, the
world is divided INTO two classes, the learned
and the unlearned, of which l am one.
When Kentucky judge, some years ago,
was asked by an attorney, upon some strange
ruling: els that law, your honor?' he re-
piled, eff the court understand herself, and
she think she do, it are!
Professor, lecturing on psychology-"All
phenomena are sensations. For instance,
that leaf appears green to me. In other words
l have sensation of greenness within me-"
Of course no harm was meant, but still the
class would laugh.
A professor in Cornell lecturing on the
effect of the wind in some western forests re-
marked: In travelling along the road l even
found that logs bound and twisted together to
such an extent that mule couldn't climb
over them, so went round
II once held the boards at the Old Drury, ;.
cried a fellow of the crushed tragedian
stamp. Said bystander, ''Held the boards
Tor the carpenter to saw, suppose, and the
crushed walked off, muttering that he hadn't
saw such fool as that man was.
A Riddeford, Main, man, who was going
camping out, dropped a memoranda on the
pavement, which passer-by picked up.
Here is copy: ''Saleratus, hardtack, keg of
larger, gin, rum, Euening Times, tobacco,
matches and little hatchet.
The fashion reporter who wrote, with refer
ence to a. belle, "Her feet were encased in
shoes that might be taken for fairy bocts,'
tied his wardrobe up in a handkerchief and
left for parts unknown when it appeared the
next morning: ''Her feet were encased in
shoes that might be taken for ferry-boats"
An Irishman, in describing America, said
Il am told that you might roll England thru
it an it wouldn't make dint in the ground
there's fresh water oceans inside that We
moight dround old Ireland in; an as for
Scotland, ye moight stick it in corner an
ye'd niver be able to find it out, except it
might be for the smell of whisky"