, 1879-07-26
THE PARD'S EPISTLE.
He Crificises OakfaMd's Farorfte Soas a
DUW0kfcrx

yS o"otuct adteic, ScSiu We WAS ktuuer DacK'
ward yerself IN the ink-slingin' line.
Didn't move into Tuhbs' tavern. up at Doc
Merritt's duck pond ez | said was goiu' t.
las week. because ye see I've moved my
traps down to Phil. Raglius-ye might a
knowed Phil. in the OF times prospected
'ith me down Oh GreenhO,n Gulch in SO,
busted in the Fraser river rush, KEN to
FRISCO, got into stocks, swindled few RATS
o servant gals an milliners. an arter iinin
two or three churches, manages to sport his
double team an live In fnst- class ranch,
18th big glass house out hack full o scrub
pines, pisin oak an sich. Well, met Phil,
an nothin' d do but mus come down an
bunk at his shebang so here am ivin' on
the fat o the land-atween you az an the
big dam at French bar, | reckon Pm fatteu-
in on the sweat o them servant gals brows
an the hearts blood o them milliners. But
watts the difrence "a ioag ez thet's the style
q dom tizaess in this yer settlement. One
thing why Ike to bunk 18th Phil, besides
benz pardner O his zen he wasn't high
toned operator. is because kin git inter the
house arter I've bin on bust, ithout heviu'
pack O grimm gsloots passin' remarks
! bout OF men spreein' round disgrsein' their
mother-in-laws biifed one o the shiniu'
lights o Oakland society in the jaw the
other day, up to the Gran Central tavern,
> fur maxim jes' sech remark fur ef theirs
one thing moren another TN dcwn on. its
young brats passin' remarks an maxim light
of OF men like me. Ell ther parents amt
iarned 'em no better it's time somebody else
was takin the job in hand. Speakin' bout
! the youngsters hereabouts, ther the wust
you ever see amt chinin' bout them
! toughs they call hoodlum, but the purity
boys ez parts their hair in the middle an
don't cliaw terbacker. Bill, Of boy, you
oughter see one o. these society dncks, yed
larf Yourself bline o watchin' the didos they
cuts up. Phil. an Inc was goIn' over to
Frisco the other DAY wen | drops ON = little
game sleepy-eyed young rooster 'ith pigeon
tail feathers Oh his upper lip was givln'
peakeI-nosed gal 'ith a brass honnd hat
stuck on the back o her head, an her yaller
hair frlz.zl down in front so thet she looked
like a sick calf lookin' through a hedge
fence. Iher was bout five seats atween
'ern-we was on the steam keers-an' of all
the winkin' an blinkin' | ever saw they
topped the deck. 1t made me sick to Look
at em. an / turns to Phil. an asked him
at Tie tit0ukSs Sill'icS WAS saii doout.
They're mashin'," seq Phil
"Mashin'!'' sez |.
! "Yes, can't You tumble, He's a glvin'
her the eye bizness an she's gisin' it back
to him., an Pail. larfs at HE fur not bein
up to the game.
"M.bbe ye'd be kind enough to give me
the true bizuess on this mashln' an eye biz
ness," SEE to Phil, kinder mad at myself to
think thet tier was somethIn' gOiu' Oh thet
| wasn't up to.
"WeIl," sez Phil, "them two wants to
cit acquainted an they're interjooein them
selves 'itn their eyes. Jes' watch EN-
minute an you'lI drop to the racket"
SO | watches the par, an purity soon
Iotices the buck screw his month INTO L grin
the. reminded ,ne o sick kiitcas an no;
i,ricL-ia.s. it was So laaguishin' an lnngin'
Hse. Inc gal kinder raised her front hair
an snrter wagged her ears. Tnen the roos-
ter duckeJ al gr,une,l, an wagsed his ears,
an size boubed her head muca eZ 10 say
"kurrec:." An I'm hoss-tl,ief ct rhet
youn.sser 'i.h the tail feathers didn't hist
himself into the 5 l,ie scat 18th the dinlty.
You'd Thought they'd Ell engaged To be
married far seven Weeks by the way they
cuddled up to each other.
rs tnem two III society? SEE to Phil.
Like ez Bot, SEE ne.
"W at bizness Il ye pose thet teller
in , sez |.
"Menbe his father shoemaker, sez
Phil. .an works sixteen hours \ day to
SUPPORT that Rooster 1T the 1uneryarsIGy or
suiIic srcn place.
And tnu gal, sez |.
"Oh, she's kI der gin'ral like, SEE P.li
winkIn' I'm bet snes bin ridIn up al
down Oh this Yer tram fur five hours watehln
fur suIncbudy Ia mash. don't say her
mother takes in wasiliu, but Ill bet she
don't kruY now to rats young gas
lis tner much uf this masnin bizness
goin' ON: sez l.
If ther much mashia goin' on! " says
Pail, kinder seorptul hike; well. you Loaf
rouud tncse parts long an reckon You IL
find ont Why, jim, they don't do nothin
else on these yer traIus an boass-ltS Sot
down To a science, you hear me- lhey tra'
els GU ther snape, All SOME y them gltt'ii
cruss-eyed an s1mnt-earcd 'lth tneI wInkin
an wassgln' Even the p'iicemen Is on II,
an ef yc keep yer eye peeled ON tibet one
thet prauces through these yer keers ez ef
he thought all the wiinmen on board was
dead gone Oh him. yen p raps drop on ms
httle game-ne's the vast III the deck.
But didn't swallow all theG Pnll was
giyIn' HE till Id nosed round an got the
rlg is o the bIzness myself an bill, you
ken kick HE fur the wust liar III forty-t~o
count,es ef 1t ain the solid lac, eyry word
of it. / tell ye wat 1t Is, or son, L Ken See
xcre tom foolery AL r,eauer SIDE q human
:, tI,.
wat they calls Long W'arf an Alameda
or Brooklyn n I'd See round Jaekass ef 1
was 10 live a hundred years. Theirs the
mar o blzness thet goes over In the morhih
to Frisco He's dead ON bizness All no mis-
take-chinnin' bizness. He 2lts on the k.ers
at Broadway, an chins the fust man he
meets 'b,ut wat the Hon fable Bllks was
d,lu' las night. Biaehy he sights another
, man he knows, an he says somethln bout
se.in' w'rther ..thet sale was made yester-
day." :" an yits out o his seat to tackle HIM,
maxim the hombre he's jes' left think he's
th. heaviest duck on sohd 6izness thct ever
b,st.d hank. Wen he tackles the other
man he opens 18th some remark bout at
KIND O. weather's goin to happen, an then
slides into the Zulu war, an thinks ITS .
mighty good thing fur Europe thet little
Nap was sent up tho Aume. On the boat he
cb,ns the two or three roosters on STOCKS an
the D.mmyeratic party. an wen he gi,s to
his Mace o bzness, ez he calls 1t, he's chilli
n,.' curbstoue sharks on Caiiforny or Mont
,, gom'ry Streets. He kerries his office In his
hat. sad his bizness IS chinnin' two to one
; his wife hez shingle hung out 18th "fash'-
n.be dressmakin' painted on to it.
/ tell ye, Bill, I've watched these yer
h;lks. an TIN gavin the solid fax wen calls
! 'sm dead open an shut frauds. Then sher's
the s.Is thes sports goggles an dou's need
;sm was speskin' to Phil bout EN-. an
he says they're ou the literary lsyIthey
think tn ey'ry6odylI take 'em fur smart Alecks-
a. the fasbions, Bill. Ye oughter see the