Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-02-22
Hawk-Eyetems.

England appears to be getting ready
to carry on war in four or five Ian
guages.
A council of eminent physicians have
decided that there is no permanent cure
for secondary attack Of suicide.
My latest hempressions," remarked
the horse thief, looking above his head,
" are the most -" But Just then
the crowd caught on and the debate was
closed.
II the graves were rified in the inter
ests of science people wouldn't mind il
so much. That is, if the average medi.
cal student learned anything in the
dissecting room, people wouldn't be-
grudge him a body now and then
but
"Sir," said weary tramp, to the
gentleman who stands behind the coun-
ter at the Barrett House, Sir, I am a
social conundrum." "Then," ex-
claimed Bell, pointing sadly toward the
door, Then never more be guessed of
NINE"
Some of the smallest insects, natural
lists say, can make louder noises with
their Threats than men can. They can't
initiate that peculiar gutteral noise that
a man makes at regular intervals, when
he is standing just in front of the for
ward end of a bottle.
You can buy the best hard wood in
southern Indiana for two dollars cord.
1t used to be cheaper than that in Bur
lington, before they made us quit steal
ing it off the government islands. This
government never did care very much
for the prosperity of its citizens.
1t is dishaartening reflection, to q
man who has fondly counted on poison
ing few of his neighbors' dogs and
laying the crime at the door of the dog
marshal, that all the worst and most
worthless dogs in Burlington were the
first ones to have their tax paid.
England to Afghanistan "Blast ye,
be friendly, what's the use? Be friend
ly, or I'll lick ye into good humor and
fraternity" "The maintenance OF
Afghanistan as friendly power has at
all times been an object of the British
policy. "-LoSd Crawford's aispatch.)
We are glad this postal clerk, Kim.
ball, on the Erie and Rochester run has
been arrested. For the past few weeks
we have been sending thousands of dol
lars over that route to our correspond
ents, and still we are in almost daily
receipt of letters signed, Please remit
and save trouble" This explains it.
Harper's Bazar says that "much yet
rov,ooinc IN ho Hnna 1Nafnva uynr,a, On =,
move as comfortably in her investiture
as q man does in his" No man, wor-
thy of the name, will wear an investi-
ture. A man with an investiture on
would look worse than DIR. Mary Walk
er, and people would laugh and boot
at him on the streets.
They tell us in Elkhorn, Wisconsin,
of brakeman on the Western Union
railroad who roared out the stations in
such harsh, savage tones, that the ner-
vous passengers begged him to modu-
late his elocution little, and speak
more softly. "Thunder!" replied the
indignant railroader, "Do you expect q
fellow to have nice silver-tenor voice
for thirty-five dollars month 2"
Brethren, before we sing the next
verse of John Browns body lies all
mouldy in the grave" let us take look
into the grave and see that it is there.
In these days of Ohio medical colleges
a cemetery isn't no safer than savings
bank, and it may be that political glee
clubs, who have been singing the song
quoted above, have been chanting a
rhythmic lie for the past fifteen years.
An English chemist has discovered q
new and apparently very convenient
way of killing children. He makes q
violet powder of arsenic that lays them
out with neatness and dispatch, more
thoroughly even than painted candy.
Orders from the country promptly at
tended to. Be sure and call and exam
inc the goods before purchasing else
where. He has testimonials from thir-
teen excellent families in Loughton,
certifying that his powder killed their
children very successfully. His pres
ent address is cell lat. at which all let
tiers addressed to the warden will reach
him.
The other day the restless ghost of
Julius Caesar ssrolled into Burlington
and sat down on fire plug and watched
the little bay mule from West Hill try
ing his new hind shoes on the cornice
of two.story brick house. The shade
of the great soldier rose to go. "Ah,"
he sighed, dejectedly, to Ha,okeye re.
porter, this world moves too fast for me.
l thought that rified artillery was q
marvellous improvement on our old
battering rams, and now the Americans
have brought out new projectile on
the old principle that discounts any
thing that ever carried powder" And
he went back to his present lodgings.
"Supper is now ready in the smok.
ing car" shouted the brakeman, and
q young man from Hartford who was
on his way to San Francisco, got up
and went forward to see what the
brakeman meant. He went into the
smoking car and found party of Ba-
varian emigrants cooking two kinds of
cheese and three denominations of sau
sages on the stove. He came out very
pale and gave the brakeman half dol
lar to stand on the platform and burn
matches under mis- nose. "Was livery
bad?" an old gentleman asked him,
when he returned to the coach. "Sir,"
said the young man of Hartford, "you'n