Smyrna times., 1879-04-09
Newspaper Waits.

married.
The best are the cheapest. This is more
so in the matter Of wives.
Whiskey is about the only enemy man
has succeeded in loving.-DanJ.uy Ne'cs.
Women are generally in quest of some
thing. Conquest seems to suit them about
as well as anything.
Which is the most wonderful animal in
the tarmyard "A pig, because lie is killed
first and cured alterward.
Why are your nose and chin constantly
at variance? Because words are continu-
ally passing between them.
A gravedigger buried man named
Button, and brought in the following bill to
his widow: TO making one Button hole
So" :.
Sydney Smith once re6uked a swearing
visitor by saying, Let Us assume that
everything he damned, and proceed with
our subject
"On his head said the lecturer. " there
is nothing left to he desired" The bald
needed man in the front row immediately
rose to Cal! order.
If Edgar A. Poe wors living to-day he
would change the refrain of his most famous
poem to" Said the raven, 'never-that is,
hardly ever-moro.'"
western editor thus kindly alludes to
contemporary: lie is young yet; but can
sit at his desk and brush cohlveLs from the
ceiling with his ears"
An old bachelor says that he's been so
| often deceived by the chicken of these
restaurants and boarding-houses that he calls
it :, the mocking.bird."
The proprietor Of bone factory announ.
ces that persons leaving their bones with
him can have them ground at short notice.
-Ne'0 Orle1ns P,cqy,me.
In answer to Shakespeare conundrum,
What's in a name?" the Syracuse Times
says that if it is Russian generals name
tue entire alphabet is is in it.
The other day a professor of German
/ asked an unregencrate Junior what the
| gender Of It certain noun was. The Junior
quickly replied: " think it is neuter, sir
At any rate it is ncuter me-
Two sophomorcs enter horsecar; the
first takes the only vacant seat, and the
second sits in his lap. Presently young
lady enters, and the second soph, rising,
| says, Take my seat, madam. Fact
Harvard Crimson.
What do you know Of the character Of
this man?' WAS asked Of witness at a
police court the other day. What do l
know of his character? l know it to
be unbleachahe, your Honor" he replied,
with much emphasis.
Old Gent (who firmly believes in compul-
sorry education to Cow. Boy "Oh you 90 to
school, do you? Now, | daresay you can
tell me who it was that was saved when the
world was drowned, can't you? Cow Boy
Yes, sir; but forgit his name.
Rescuer: q have brought your son
home, that rescued from drowning"
Mother: Accept a mothers thanks.
Now Charles, hope this will he a good
lesson for you. Don't 20 near the water
again till you know how to swim. ."-1mcri-
can Punch.
An old,fashioned lady wants to know why
the graduates Of Vassar and other female"
colleges always have their ages printed after
their names in reports of alumni meetings
Miss I. Saith. president (70l; Miss Jones,
vice-president (G0); Mrs. Robinson, secre-
tary ('78), etc, etc.
Boston precocity-Jack tagged ten years
or under) 81 trust, Tommy, that you
believe in the non. essentially of pre-exis-
tent first cause" Tommy "Oh, certainly.
At least, 60 no further back than the
primordial atomic globule." Exeunt, driv.
ing their hoops.-Harrord LampoOn.
, A waggish druggist at Madison, Ind, the
other day hired a man to place piece of
red flannel on the carcass Of horse and set
it afoat, making people along the shore
believe that it was Boynton. Skiffs shot out
f from either side to meet the gallant swim
. mer, and by the time the object came op-
! poste the city hundreds Of men, women
! and children lined the banks.
think twas in September, if l rightly
n now remember, that heard a knocking
! knocking at my door yes, know twas IN
b September, for quite we'll now remember
r he had been there about fifty times before
n had been there knocking at my door. But
e | opened not, nor wondered, as upon my
5 door he thundered, for he yelled, " Say nov
e will you settle this ere bill bring you 2
e as he battered on the door and answered
g calmly answered, 4" Nevermore."- Ct
Derrick.