The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1879-05-21

4 have pretty miucn m6ue up my
mind to run for President. What
the people want is q man who can.
not be Injured by investigation of his
past history, SO that enemies OF the
party will not be able to rake up
against him things that nobody ever
beard of before. II you know the
worst about o candidate. 10 begin
with, every attempt to spring things
on him will be checkmated. Now ]
am going TO enter upon the field with
an open record. am going TO own
up in advance to all the wickedness
| have done, aud if auy Congression-
al committee is disposed to prowl
around my biography, in the hope OF
finding any daring and deadly deed
which | have secreled, why let him
prowl.
10 the first place | admit that |
did freeze o rheumatic grandfather OF
mine, in the winter of 1859 He was
old aud inexpert at climbing trees
But with a heartless brutality that is
characteristic Of me, | ran him out of
the front door in his night shirt, ~
the point of a shotgun, and caused
him To bowl up a maple tree, where
he remained all oight, while emp
tied shot ia his legs. | did this be
cause be snored. | will do it again
if | have another grandfather. am
as iuhuman now as | was in 50 No
rheumatic person shall snore III my
house.
l candidly acknowledge that ran
away at the battle Of Gettysburg
My friends have tried TO smooth this
fact by the assertion that ! merely
got behind q tree, that | did 81 for
The purpose of imiIstiog Washington
ho went into the woods at Valley
Forge TO say his prayers. 1t was a
miserable subterfoge. | struck cot
ia a straight line for the Tropic 81
Cancer, simply because | was scared
| wanted my country saved, but
wanted some one else TO save her.
entertain that idea yet. If The bub
BILE of reputation a be obtained 90
ly al Inc cannon's mouth, | am will
ing TO go there for it, provided the
cannon is empty. If it is loaded. my
iDiexible purpose is to get over The
fence and go home. My invariable
purpose 10 the war has been to bring
iwo-,birds more men out than | took
ia. This seems to me to be Napo
%leonic 10 its grandeur.
Ny financial views are of the most
decided character, but they are moi
likely, perhaps, to increase my popu'
larity with advocates of initiation or
contraction. | do not insist upon
special supremacy of rag money
TIE great fundamental principle OF
my life is to take any lind | can
get.
Tie rumor that | buried q dead
aunt under a grape vine is founded
upon fact. The vine needed f~ertiliz.
ing, my aunt had to be buried. and
dedicated her to that purpose. Does
that unfit me for the Presidency
The constitution of our country does
not say SC. No other citizen war
considered unworthy OF Office because
be enriched his grapevine with hi:
relations Why should be selected
as the first victim Of au absurd preju.
dice?
| admit, also, that | am not the
friend of the poor man. regard The
poor man, in his present condition a:
so much wasted raw material Cut
up and properly canned, be might be
made useful to fatten the natives O
the Caunibal Islands, aud improve
our exports in that region. shall
recommend legislation upon the sub
ject in my first message. Ny cam
paign cry will be o dessiesie the
poor workiugman. Stuff him into
sausagesi
These are about the worst parts o
NY record On them ! come before
the country. If my country doesn'l
want me, | win go back again. Blu
| recommend myself as a safe man
a nan who starts from the base ot
human deprarity, and proposes to be
feEdish to the last.