Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1879-10-10

The man who patronizes- a second
hand clothing store is never troubled
with fits.
The reason why wine is put in mock
turtle soup, is probably because wine Is
mocker.
A Glasgow paper says next to a young
rabbit nothing is so hard to raise as a
young newspaper.
at seems that you do not quite appre-
hend me-" as the escaped burglar said to
the bafied policeman.
We never knew but one man who had
absolute faith in humanity, and he ad-
vertised for lost umbrella.
There is said to be woman in New
man whose hair is so stiff that her hus-
band uses her curs for post augurs.
A paragraphist has written a song en-
titled, ''Hug me to Death, Darling" 1t
is intended for duet, and no audience.
IF it is a success it will be a tight
squeeze"
zone half of the world don't know
how the other half livep exclaimed a
gossiping woman. @Oh, well, said her
neighbor, don't worry about it; it isn't
your fault if they don't"
A Sunday school pupil of tender age
being asked how ne liked the gentleman
who had addressed the school, replied !:
HE was funny man. He told about
the handwriting on the wall, and said
it was Minnie, Minnie, tickle the par
son.
Mrs. Mackay, wife of the Bonanza
o,-o,- kr.ro hr1vJro1 ond fffu
thousand dollars worth of jeWelry, and
when she gets the toothache she suffers
Iust as much as the woman whose brace
lets and diamonds came from the ninety
nine. cent store.
There is a village in New Hampshire
which has produced twenty-six editors.
It was in allusion to this circumstance
tina a pious deacon remarked: eyes,
there are twenty-six of 'em, but as
they've all left the town, 1 reckon the
Lord won't lay it up agin US"
An Englishman was once boasting to
a Yankee that they had a book in the
British Museum, which was once owned
bv Cicero. "Oh, that amt nothin'," re-
torted the Yankee. ain the Museum in
Bosting they've got the lead pencil that
Noah used to check off the animals that
went into the ark"
Old Mr.. Dudley was a prominent law
yer in Tuolumne. He was employed to
defend a client for stealing hog-jury
trial. He made an eloquent and success
full plea. The man was acquitted. "How
can I ever repay you, Mr.. DudleyP l
haven't a cent. Accept my thanks"
'sThanksT cried the lawyer, "seld me
8 side of the pork"
The relationship of a man and woman
in rainy weather IS easily discovered. If
they are lovers, the woman will have all
of the umbrella, and the man won't care
a fig how wet he gets. But if they are
married, it is just the opposite. Marriage
makes the difference, that is all.
"Is that friend of yours ?' said gen.
Eleman, pointing TO one who was rapidly
moving down the street. Cant tell you
till next Saturday." returned the indi-
vidual addressed. "Ive just lent him
dollar"
A boy flo and q girl of 8 eloped from
Brookline, Mass, and went to Boston.
streets. Their expectation was to get
AAAclAA4C0 anu ANO IL a AlAC 4lOu6C
where. The reality was a spanking.
A Nebraska minister preachedan hour
aud three-quarters last Sunday, and by
that time the pews were about emptied,
and, as the last worshipper collared his
hat and slid out, the disgusted preacher
asked the choir to sing Nothing but
leaves"
The hotel boy had been instructed.
when he knocked at Dean Stanley's
door, aud heard the inquiry, 'Who's
there f' to reply, "The boy, my lord"
The boy answered the first call with con-
siderable trepidation, and surprised the
dean by loud response to his ques-
tlon-"The lord, my boyP
A lady at Binghamton while looking
over her husbands old clothes recently
discovered letter which she had given
him to post eleven years ago. The letter
was addressed to lady friend, and its
non-arrival was the cause of an estrange-
ment between the families ever since.
And yet girls continue to getmarried.A q
It is now generally urged in extenua-
ton of Ananias' offense that he was
raised with no other playmates than a
couple of gas-meters.
There are two million bee-hives in
The United States. Every hive Yields, |
on an average, little more than twenty
two pounds of honey. The average |
price of honey which is sold is twenty |
i've cents a pound. so that. after paying |
for their own board, our bees present us |
with a revenue of $8,S00,OO0. To reckon
It another way, they make clear gift |
Of a pound of honey to every man. 4!
and child in the vast realm of |
the United States.
TIE WEATHER.-Said a very good Olu
man, "Some folk are always complaining
about the weather, but am very thank
sul when I wake up in the morning and |
ind any weather at ALL" We may smile
It the simplicity of the good old man,
but still his language indicates spirit
that contY .butes much to a calm and
peaceful life. It is wiser and better to
cultivate that than to be continually
of things as they are.
IL Is gwen out that ladies' viii wear
,esIS precisely like the gentlemen's af-
er TINS. When married man goes to
'ed he Will have to put chalk-mark on
lis vest, or next morning he NAV slim ON
lis wife's and not discover his mistake
lntil he inserts his thumb and forefinger
II the righthand pocket for pinch of
10 -nrTk s,I Il. L. I