The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1879-11-22
WIT AND HUMOR.y

- - -
WIT AND HUMOR.,
A SAFE RULE.-After the conclusion
Of lively horse-t trade, u witness of the
transaction asked one of the traders
what sort Of a horse he had got by the
exchange.
"Oh, just medlum-just a common
sort Of Il plug" was the reply.
"And how old is hc2''
"Twenty years DID," .
''But did not sec you look at his
teeth" g
''No, you did not, young man. |
have traded horses for the last thirty
years, and / have owned as many as
eight hundred different animals. My
rule has always been to mentally cal
culate the age of the other mans horse
at twenty. In this way make no mis-
takes aud suffer no disappointmeuts.'
"Didn' your rule ever fail?"
"Well, 1t did fail once. 1 was trad
ing horses in Pontiac, and l made the
usual estimate Of tw,nty years, but the
critter died of old age while was try
ing to beat grocer down two cents on
the price of peck Of oats"
AN amusing reply was given by
girl, who, while at London ball,
strayed away from the ballroom. Her
mother subsequently, discovered her in
remote nook with a gentleman, who
had his arm around her waist, while
she rested the tips of her pretty little
fingers on his manly shoulder.
"My dear, what's all this? ex-
claimed the irate mamma.
"Mamma, allow me to Introduce
Captain X. to you. [ had promised
him dance, but was so tired that |
couldn't keep my word, and Pan lust
giving, him sitting-still waltz in
stead"
The BEST DIAMOND oUr.-"Jerush-
err" exclaimed her true love (lt was in
Bridgctown, Conn..) "Sorush, what'l
you take for that gold ring of yourn?"
"Well, don't know Jcremiah," said
she. s'you know it's 1Sk.''
"Just let me have it," pleaded Jerry,
"and I'll send we diamond for it to-
morrow. AS good a one as there Is
anywhere"
'IIoncst Injun, jeremiah ?"
"No mistake"
lie captured the ring, and Just be-
fore he started far Texas next morning
he sent her q jack of diamonds, bear
ing this inscription '"This is the best
diamond out" Amen.
a BUG scientist says "thc bumblc-bee
gives out two very different sounds,
which are an octave Of each other-a
grave sound when it flies and sharp
sound when it alights." The bug sci
enlist IS right. The sound given out
when the bumblc-bce alights-cn
girls ncck-is about seventeen octaves
sharper than when the insect merely
n w 4 ~ N-1
mans trousers leg at picnic the
sound produced is all the way from
tenor TO bass. The profanity with
which it is garnishcd makes it base.
THEY were standing on the corner of
MILK street at twelve O'Clock, when
the sound Of q steam whistle from
neighboring manufacturing establish
ment pierced their ears. "That is a
public nuisance, Mr.. Spicer," said one.
NO." responded the other, otis a
private tootnr," and then the first man
whistlcd.
AN abundance of guests and limited
lodging rooms caused Jimmie to be
'slcpt out" at Il neighbours. On aris-
ing in the morning he was invited to
remain at breakfast. "Well, ! guess
noJ," he replied; eve have mighty
good breakfasts at our house when we
have company
a Miss Gush was elected school SUI
pcrintcndentin in Mono county last Tues
day, on Wednesday appointed a male
deputy and on Thursday married him.
This shows how mean women can be
when they lave tho advantage Of a
man.
"What have you been doin'2 2' asked
4 boy Of his playmate, whom he saw
coming out of the house with tears In
his eyes. "J've been cbasin' birch
rod 'round my tathcr," was the snarl.
ing reply. ..n
a COLLEGE student from this city In
rendering to his father an account OF
his term expenses, inserted; "To char
ity, thirty dollars.' His father wrote
back: "Charity covers multitude Of
SINS"
WHEN the old gentleman comes home
and finds daughters have got his slip
pcrs and the easy chair and the evening
paper ready for him, he realizes that It
Is the season for Fall opening Of his
poCketbOOk.
a MANS word Is tho handspring Of
his character. Once break the main
spring and, like watch, the man runs
down.
1r Is an old adagc that the tongue
cannot be easily bridlcd. But it Is
easily bit.
"I should like to see that goldmine,"
said Smythckins, as he watched them
counting quartcr-eaglesi in the treasury.
No man is smart who eXaggcrates
lies when he can just as easilo anplify
tho truth.
THE early passenger catches the
train.
How to manage wite--Remain sim
gle.
a single instance--A bachelor.
ssu.n.Wz1DDu.,nn>uus0
EVERY mother-ln-law should recon-
mend DR.. BULBS Baby Syrup for her