Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1879-12-12
Marx Twain o. Babies.

Mark Twain's remarks at the banquet
of the Army of the Tennessee. were in re-
sponse to the following toast:
The babies: As they comfort us in our sorrows
let Us not forget them in our festivities.
Now. that's something like We
haven't all had the good fortune to be
ladies, we haven't all been generals, or
poets, or statesmen but when the toast
works down to babies, we stand on COM
mon ground-for we've all been babies
1t q shame that for a thousand years
the worlds banquets have utterly ignor-
ed the baby-as if he didn't amount to
anything! If you, gentlemen. will stop
and think 4 minute-if you will go back
fifty ora hundred years, to your early
married life, and recontemplate your first
baby, you will remember that he amoun-
ted to a good deal-and even something
over
You soldiers all know that when that
little fellow arrived at family headquar-
ters you had to hand in your resignation.
He took entire command You became
his lackey, his mere body guard and you
had to stand around, too. He was not q
commander who made allowance for time,
distance, weather, or anything else you
possible or not. And there was only one
form of marching in his manual of tactics,
and that WAS the double quick. He treat
ed you with every sort of insolence and
disrespect. and the bravest of You didn't
dare to say word. You could face the
death storm Of Donelson and Vicksburg,
and give back blow for blow; but when
he clawed your whiskers, and pulled your
hair, and twisted your nose, you had to
take it. When the thunders of war
sounded i'll your ears, you set your faces
toward the batteries and advanced with
steady tread but when he turned on the
terrors of his war-hoop you advanced
in-the other direction, and mighty glad
of the chance, too. When he called for
soothing syrup, did you venture to throw
out any side remarks about certain SER
vices being unbecoming an officer and
gentleman? No; You got up and got it,
If he ordered his pap bottle, and it wasn't
warm, did you talk back? Not YOU; You
went to work and warmed it. You even
descended SO far III your menial offices as to
take suck at that warm, insipid stuff
yourself to see if it was right three
parts water to one of milk, touch OF
sugar TO modify the collie, and drop of
peppermint to kill those immortal HE
coughs | can taste that stuff yet
And how many things you learned as
you went along! Sentimental young
folks still take stock in that beautiful old
saying that when the baby smiles in his
sleep it is because the angels are whisper
ing to him. Very pretty, but too
TIN" simply wind on the stomach. my
friends. Ii the baby proposed to take
walk at his usual hour-half- past two in
the morning You rise up prompt
ly and remark with a mental addition
which wouldn't improve Sunday school
muchD that that was the very thing You
were about to propose yourself? Oh, you
were under good discipline. And as you
went tiuttering up and down the room in
''undress uniform" you not only prattled
undignifed baby talk but even tuned up
your martial voices and tried to sing
''Rock ably baby on the tree top, " for in
stance What spectacle for an army Of
the Tennessee And what an affliction
for the neighbors, too, for it isn't every
body within a mile around that likes mill
tary music at three III the morning. And
when you had been keeping this sort of
thing up two or three hours, and your
little velvet head intimated that nothing
suited him like exercise and noise, and
proposed to fight it out ON that line if it
took all night-''Go on What did Won
do?' You simply went on till you drop
ped in the last ditch.
like the idea that baby doesn't amount
to anything. Why, one baby is Just a
house and front yard full by itself one
baby can furnish more business than
you and your whole interior department
can attend to; he Is enterprising, ire
pressible brimfull of lawless activities-
do what you please You can I make him stay
on the reservation. Sufficient unto the
day is one baby. As long as you are in
your right mind don't you ever pray for
twins. Twins amount to permanent
riot and there amt any real difference |
between triplets and an insurrection.
Among the three or four million era
dies now rocking in the land are some
which this nation would preserve for ages /
as sacred things if We could know which .
ones they are. For in one Of these era
dies the unconscious Farragut Of the .
future is at this 4oment teething. Think .
OF it and putting in a word Of dead ear
nest, unarticul fed, but perfectly iustifi- .
able, profanity over it, too; in another |
the future renowned astronomer is blink /
ing at the shining Milky Way, with bu: .
languld interest, poor little chnp, and .
wondering what has become of that other
one they call the wet nurse in another.
the future great historian is lying, and .
doubtless he will continue to lie till his .
earthly mission il ended in another, the |
future president is busying himself with |
no profounder problem of state than
what the mischief has become of his hair
so early, and in a mighty array Of other
cradles there are now some 60, 900 future
office-seekers getting ready to furnish
him occasion to grapple with that same
old problem a second time And in still |
one more cradle, somewhere under the I
flag. the future illustrious commander lii /
chief of the American armies is 50 little .
burdened with his approaching grandeurs
and responsibilities as to be giving his
whole strategic mind, at this moment, to .
trying to find out some way to get his .
own big toe into his mouth-an achieve
ment which( meaning no disrespect the
illustrious guest of this evening turned
his attention to some fifty-six years ago .
And if the child is but the prophecy of .
the man there are mighty few will doubt
that he succeeded