The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1879-11-18
WIT AND HUMOR,

WIT AND HUMOR.
The venerable wife of Il celebrated
physician one day casting her eyes ort
OF tho window observed her husband
In tho funeral procession of ono OF his
patients, at which she exclaimed, w
do wish my husband would keep away
from such professions. 1t appears 50
much like tailor carrying home his
own work.
GRACE Greenwood relates Us an in
stance Of the extravaganza Of Now
England humor, that when young
farmers wife made her first boys
pants precisely as simple before as be-
mind, the farmer exclaimed: "Good-
ness, he won't know whether he is 90
ing to school or coming homc!"
A YOUNG woman from the rural dis
tricts entered dry goods store tho
other day and asked for Il pair Of stock
ings. The clerk politely asked her
what number she wore. "NYhy, two,
you fool. Do you think | am a cent?
rede, or that l have u wooden legp"
AN unsuccessful vocalist went to the
poor-house and delighted the inmates
with his singing. He said it was nat
ural thing Tor him to do, as Ire hau
been singing to p0Or-hOuSes ever since
he began his career.
1t Is said that Il minister in country
kirk In Scotland stopped in the course
OF his sermon to ask member who. was
deaf. "Aro yo hearin, John?" ooh,
aye, was the response, 81 am hearing,
but to verra little purpose.'
lie man who fell of the fence into
the brambles was much ncttled by the
occurrence, "We hope thistle be apprc-
c1at ated," says a punstcr. Weed have
said the same thing.
A NEW song is called ooh Stay With
Me, My Darling, Stay" But the young
man lookcl ut the clock anu said he
must got home in time for breakfast,
ana he had over half Il mile to drive.
"BUY a trunk, Pat" said dealer.
And what for should buy trunk?
reJoined Pat. ''ro put yonr clothes
in," was the reply. "And 90 naked %
exclaimed Pat; "not bit iv It'll"
"PA, what is meant by paradise |"
"Paradise, my son." replied the father.
gloomily-"paradis my son, is the
latter part of next summer, when your
mother goes on a visit to your grand
mother.'
GLOW much are those fearful bull
Dy the quart?' asked maiden of a
tradesmau the other morning. He
stared at hers moment as If bcwiluercd,
but soon recovered himself, and blutlly
said, "Oh, them inyuns: Tenpcnce.
A NORWICH man calls himself on
his card Il 'Temperance Bootmuker.n
The need Of the temperance boots is
apparent; for, though they're not gen
crall y drunk. it's Il notorious fact that
they're often tight.
LADY-"And put just tint of car
mine on the cheeks, but not too much,
you KNOW" Photo9raphcr-"EX
ly, madame; l perfectly understand;
about rs much rs you have on now"
'PRIsoNER, were you not afraid to
take that money from your EMPLOYERS
till-you, mere child in years ?''
ooh, yes, sir; was AFRAID I'd be
CoiChcd.'
"MAMIH," said a mother to siX-year
old, "lf was little girl like you I'd
pick up all those chips.' "WelI, ma
ma" said the little one, "Ain't you
glad you arc not little girl?"
SUNDAY school teacher: "You must
remember that all am telling You hap
pencd 1879 years ago" Pupil: "I.or,
Miss, how the time do slip away"
nf II,
required by married women depends
on whether she uses diamond pins or
rolling pins.
WHEN mans chin whiskers turn
gray before the hair on his head does,
it shows which part OF him has done
the most work.
WHY is a ship the politcst thing in
tho worlds Because it always ad-
vances with a bow,
IT'S coming about the time when
men begin to like theirs hot with lit
tie sugar In it.
THE rou"d, innocent and trusting
face OF the pumpkin now beams in our
market.
WHICH IS inc best OF trees A
straight fir? Because it is tir-straight.
TIE reigning beauties Of England
are daughters of clergymen.
Boiled starch Is much improved by
the addition of a little sperm, or a little
salt, or both, or little gum arabic dis
solved.
Salt will curdle new milk hence In
preparing milk porridge, gravics, ETC.,
the salt should not be added until the
dish is prepared.
COOP flour is not tested by its color.
White flour may not be the bost. The
fest Of good nOnr ia nv tho amount of