The news and herald. (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1877-1900, 1879-07-15
HUMOROUS.

BRIDGING THE RIVER Apple-
gate had no idea that Detroit was such
nice town until he arrived there from
Columbus, o. He went there to exert
ms influence IN favor of bridge across
the river. and he thought the quickest
way to get a bridge was toascertain the
depth Of water. Ho didn' t get the txact
figures, but thought he went down
twenty-six teet after he struck the wa
ter. He was in an awful hurry to be
pulled out, and the only reason why he
didn't swallow a quart OF water was
because quart Of whiskey was down
there ahead of 1t. The police took him
In very wet and very drunk, and his
hair was not yet dry rs hq was walking
out to answer at the bar Of justice. q
"What seems to be tho matter with
you this mornlng?" kindly Inquired
his Honor.
"N"thing--nothing at all-l'm all
right was tho prompt reply.
mo, ning"
~ do"
you ISs" gss 10 you xoaR. ine Co. Don't stop after
~ won't sir. You can follow me If
you think l won't dust out of this town
like fly climbing out of hot butter.
Go0d-byc-much Obliged"
There being no more cases, his Honor
locked up Ills apples and started for
breakfast. .
DEAR TO EVERY HEARr.-Dr. Lilien-
thai recently stepped into school room,
during Il recitation In geography, and
was invited by the teacher to ask the
class a few questions. He courteously
complied.
What Is the capital of Michigan ?"
Lansing" was the prompt reply.
What Is the largest city In Michl-
gan?"
"Detroit.'
"Whero is the great University of
Michigan located?"
"At Ann Arbor."
MAP"
"Harrisburg."
"What is tho largest city in Pennsyl-
vania?'
philadelphia"
"W hat building is there In Phila-
phta that Is dear to tho heart of every
patriotic American citizen2"
That was poser; tho class was trou-
oled. put made no answer. The doctor
repeated tho question.
~ KNOW" said a little fellow on a
BACK seat, as he stretched up his arm to
It's full length.
"rell US what it Is then, my boy, +"
said the doctor.
"rhe Mint" was the confident an
swer.
ECnNnxfX Ill
take naturally TO practical view OF
things. A little girl in Brookline,
Mass, saying her PRAYERS the othe r
evening, closed wi,h-"Bless pnpa and
mamma, little sister and every body and
keep us from harm tl.is night, amen" :"
The little sister, a bright-eyed girl OF
five years, quietly remarked: "It you ID
Said every body to begin with, yo,,
needn't have made such a long prayer. "
Physician (who has just examined
an lrishman's lungs)-rhere seems to
some trouble here-pneumonia or some
thing of that sort; have you ever ex-
perforated blood ?-Irlshman-Och,y yes,
SIR! Physician--How long agop Irish
man-About eight years. Physician-
Did you feel sick? Irishman-Och, l
did that. Physician-What was the
mntterp lrishman had tooth
pulled.
81 SUPPOSE the bills are sounding an
alarm ot fire. sneerngly said man,
as the church bells were calling the
worshippers one Sunday morning to
which II clergyman who was passing
replied: Eyes, my friend, but the flre
Is not in this world &"
-4
PARTY-(who doesn't know much
about 'osses)-"And what do you call
the horse OH the left-hand side, driver.
lie looks good sort" Driver-"Oh,
that's The off 'un." Party-'Is IT, In
deed2 Dear me! Lost both his parents,
l suppJse!"
ScENE-Ar eating Household gem
tleman: "Waiter, how's this? These
potatoes are quite hard" Waiter (with
presence Of minD: "Hard times, you
know, SIR"
They do things in hurry in Texas.
A man who had lost valuable mare,
recently received the following dis
patch: "Mare here Come get her.
Thief hung"
"A THIEF IS really profound philOsO-
pher aud ALWAYS a candid thlnker--i.e.
he looks at everything In an abstract
way, and If you reason with him he is
open and liable to conviction.
WHEN you are down-hearted and the
world looks black to you, you ought to
be hospitable enough to entertain a
hope Of better days.
IT is said by some crusty evolutionist
that Adam and Eve would havo newt
ably become gamblers had not pair o.
dice been taken from them.
The course OF true love never runs
smooth with people who sit down and
put their trust IN Providence.
a KISS Is like clearinghouse soup
formed from nothing.
PREJUDICE KILLS. - "Eleven years
our daughter suffered on a bed OF
misery under the care of several OF the
best (and some Of the worst) physI-
clans. who gave her disease various