Weekly Trinity journal., 1879-07-19
A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE.

This is the way in which Mark Twain
once announced himself as candidate
for President
l have pretty much made up my mind
to run for President. What the country
wants is a candidate who cannot be in
jured by investigation of his past history,
SO that the enemies of the party will be
unable to rake up anything against him
that nobody ever heard ofbefore. If you
know the worst about candidate to be-
gin with, every attempt to spring things
on him will be checkmated. Now | am
going to enter the field with an open
record. am going to own up in ad.
vance to all the wickedness | have done,
and if any Congressional Committee is
disposed TO prowl around my biography
in the hope of discovering any dark and
deadly deed that L have secreted, why
let it prowl.
In the first place, admit that treed
a rheumatic grandfather of mine in the
winter of 1850. He was old and inexpert
in climbing trees, but with the heartless
brutality that is characteristic of me, l
ran him out of the front door in his night
shirt at the point of shotgun and caused
him to blow upa maple tree, where he
remained all night; while emptied shot
into his legs. did this because he snor.
ed. l will do it again if ever have an.
other grandfather. / am as inhuman
now as was in 1850. l canddly &C
knowledge that ran away at the battle
OF Gettysburg. NY friends have tried to
smooth over this fact by asserting that |
did so for the purpose of initiating Wash
ington, who went into the woods at Val
ley Forge for the purpose of saying his
prayers. 1t was miserable subterluge.
| struck out IN a straight line fo- The
Tropic OF Cancer because | was scared.
| wanted to have my country saved, and
L preferred to have somebody else save it,
entertain that preference yet. If the
bubble, reputation can be obtained only
at the cannon's mouth, I am willing to
go there for it provided the cannon is
empty. IT it is loaded, my immortal
inaoxibIe purpose is to get over the fence
and go home. Ny invaria5le practice in
war has been to bring out of every fight
two thirds more men than when / went
in. This seems TO me to be napoleonic
in its grandeur.
My financial views are of the most de
cded character, but they are not likely.
perhaps, to increase my popularity with
the advocates OF imitation. do not insist
upon the special supremacy Of rag money
or hard money The great fundamental
principle Of my life is to take any Kind |
can get.
The rumor that | buried dead aunt
under my grapevine was correct. The
vine needed Iertjlizing, my aunt had to
be buried, and dedicated her to that
purpose. Does that unfit me for the
Presidency ? The constitution of our
country does not say so. No other citi
zen was ever considered unworthy of this
office because he enriched his grapevines
with his dead relatives. Why should
be selected as the first victim of an alb
surd prejudice ?
| admit also that | am not friend of
the poor man. | regard the poor man,
in his present condition, rs so much vast
ed raw material /; cut up and properly
canned he might be made useful to fat
ten the natives of the cannibal islands
and to improve our export trade with that
region, shall recommend legislation up
on the subject in my first message. My
cry will be: Dedicate the
poor workingman stuff him into sau
sages."
These are about the worst parts of my
record. On them | come before the
If my country don't want me,
| will go back again. But | recommend
myself as safe man who starts from the
basis of total depravily and proposes to
be fendish to the last.