The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-10-31


'>It's better late than never"
"Well, Billy" SAID an old farmer,
"when you take off that ERE plug hat and
spit two or three times, there amt much
left of you, is there?''
A mustard plaster is a good thing in
its place, but the best place, as far as our
| experience goes, is to have the mustard
plaster on ham sandwich.-Oswego
Times.
Somebody suggests that one of the
leading topics touched upon in Thanks
giving sermons this year will be the fact
that the next great walking match is to
take place in England.
An old farmer, the first time he ate an
oyster stew, was asked how he liked it.
well, he answered, 81 like the soup
well enough, but | wish they'd left out
them polly-wogs."
Our advice to the fair ladies Is, better
make pet of your husband than of your
pup dog. The husband may get mad,
but he never-that is, hardly ever-bites,
and even if he does, he can't give you
the hydrophobia.
II don't see how there ever came to be
so many words in the world.' exclaimed
girl who was studying her spelling
lesson. "Why, sis,' said her brother,
they come through folks quarreling
Then, you know, one word brings on an
other.'
A perplexed German who had made
a garment for youth and found him
self unable to dispose of the surplus full
ness which appeared when trying it on
the young candidate, declared vociferous-
ly that ''de coat is goot. 1t is no fault of
de coat. De poy is too slim!'
81 like you," sighed a girl to her
sutton, "but / can't leave home. I'm a
widows only darling; no husband can
ever equal my dear parent in kindness"
"She is kind" pleaded the wooer, 'but
be my wife; we will live together, and
see if l don't beat your mother"
1t was a very mean man who slipped
his hand between the heads of a young
man and a young lady in thefront seat
as the train entered a tunnel. He said
afterward the young mans beard was
very stiff, but the pressure on the other
side of his hand felt like the tips of a
fur tie.-OIl City Derrick.
HOME TEACHINGs.-I must tell you of
a conversation l overheard on the beach
at Treport between two children who
were playing in the sand together. The
small boy said to the little girl: ''Do you
wish to be my little wife 81 The little
girl, after reflection: "Yes,-" The
small boy: "Then take off my boots!''
LadY-"But tell me, Miss Jenkins,
why you are not satisfied" Governess-
"Well, the fact is, madam, / should be
perfectly contented to stay if Master
Tommy were not so handsome; but am
afraid of his being taken for my little
L how dow Union NM Fon HI
and that would be so very unpleasant
A Geneva physician beats the world
for cheek. He advertised in the Ger
man newspapers a radical cure for corns,
price two francs. A Berlin lady gave
him away to the Geneva chief of police
His ''cure" consisted IN the prompt am
putation of the suffering toe, for which
purpose he recommended a saw of his
own invention, guaranteed to perform
the operation without pain TO the patient.
a man was recently married down In
Texas, and we infer from the notice a
local paper gives of the wedding that
he was an intimate friend of the editor.
The journal remarks: 1--WE would have
preferred giving our readers an account
of his hanging, but this is world of
disappointments. However, we hope
TO make our readers happier the next
time we have occasion to print anything
concerning this man."
my first wife, said Mr. Marigold,
running his eye over the dressmaker's
bill which his second matrimonial ven
ture had just handed him, FUSED to make
one calico dress last longer than you
wear silk one.n YES" replied Mrs
| Marigold, ''and she made one husband
last her great deal longer than I can,
/ too And as she bent her gentle glance
upon his countenance, he felt all the
blood In his back turn into hail stones