The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1879-06-12
PzSSING SMILES.
THE Book of Numbers-An arith-

s4F4FaIa Il III ~.
THE Book of Numbers-An arith-
metic.
NEVER make light of a lantern-jawed
man, a.
THE Chilian war was brought on by
the fates-phosphates.
He who freely praises what he means
to purchase and who enumerates the
faults of what he means to sell, may set
| up partnership with honesty.
A CRUST Of bread with contentment
Herewith, is better than dish of straw
berry ice cream with a sore TOOTH
Whitehead Times. &c.. ~, ...,,
i He who learns and makes no use of his
learning, is beast of burden, with
load of books. Comprehendeth the ass
whether he carries on his back bundle
of fagots? f.'g4,Y on, - tlist f,pe
MEN and statues that are admired in
| an elevated situation, have very differ
ent effect upon us when we approach
them the first appears less than we inn
agine them, the last bigger. .,r.tI ..8t
THE New Haven Register asks the pro-
found question: . GO When are we
dead ?' The only correct answer is,
when we stop advertising.-Syracuse
| Times.
| STRAWBERRIES are no longer worth
their weight in gold, but you'd never
suspect it to see how carefully they are
| dished out at a church festival.-PkSld
delphia 'Chronicle- Herald. ...r,.. -.e....
| IT is said that the croak of the raven
| is equivalent to the B.fat of trumpet,
and that the growl of a dog corresponds
| to the same note of a bassoon, while the
/ bark of cur is exactly the B-natural Of
the hautboy, and the grunt of hog re-
| produces G. on the Ophicleide.
THE NinsteepM Century has an article
| in which it attempts to prove that there
is now no fun in the world. Well wager
that the man who wrote the article never
! attempted to carry home fish under
one arm and bunch of rhubarb under
the other-Neao York Express.
! A WILL written by colored citizen
i of Albany reads as follows: This is the
last will and testament of me, William
| II. Cross. I give all my things to my
4 relations to be divided among them the
I best way they can. N. B.-lf anybody
kicks up a row or makes fuss about it
he ism t to have anything.
4 BYRON, my son." said a literary
father to his athletic son, Byron never
played base ball" No." said the boy,
pulling on his orange-colored shirt,
and George Washington never wrote
j poetry" Here the morning hour ex-
pired and the bill went over.-B~rting-
ton Haackeye. r:t4efy Ga ae.l.a a.f
"NEYER," says writer on etiquette,
ba take bits out Of your mouth with your
hand" Heis evidently writing for the
lower class of society. People of tone
, and culture never take bits out of their
}, mouth with their hands. They remove
them with a fire shovel.-Nor. Herald.
II A GENTLEMAN was disturbed from his
! rest in the middle of the night by some
. one knocking on the street door.
"Who's there" he asked. {" A friend, y
: was the answer. What do you want?'
! "I want to stay here all night" I"
! +" Queer taste; stay there by all means" /"
5 was the benevolent reply. IN ffita.9
!. THERE are still too many men sitting
4 with their hats on in restaurants, too
: MANY who will take Jumps of sugar with
: their fingers when spoons in abundance
are lying round too many, in fact, who
ignore the existence of butter knife,
!. and, alas, vet too many who use their
5 own knife altogether too much.-N. Y.
e Graphic.
Ei-r GAYLY the maiden, Al
;. L. In colors bright, ..- .-i -,
8 Walks with her lover
q In twilight, +.l.' ..a5t.
Chattering so merrily
Ger hill and dale, ..rH
Till they encounter
"Ice cream for sale"-
D Then the young man wishes that
j. ....s Socrates had never discovered
ice cream, that he had bor-
= ..lll rowed quarter before he left
| ". ASAAAo'
!. A SOUTHERN paper informs us that
"Mary Brown burst her boiler on Tues
day last" and we were just about making
. up our mind that perhaps Mary had
e been lighting the fire with kerosene,
s when the paper informs us that three OF
J, her deck passengers were instantly
u killed. The last statement leads US to
/ infer that Mary was steamboat.
: To every. affection there is a bright
q side, and you can always find something
J. to be grateful for if you only look for it.
!, " Doctor" said a lady patient, {" suffer
q a great deal with my eyes," The old
gentleman adjusted his spectacles, and
J. with Socratic air replied, do not
o doubt it, my friend but then you ought
r not to forget that you would suffer
great deal more without them" ..f
A RELIGIOUS paper in Georgia says
4 Recently, during night services at
d Morganton, screech owl sailed noise
i. lessly up the aisle and perched himself
! eomplacently upon the bald head of a
e good brother sitting on the front bench,
: Just facing the hepreacher. The surprised
:, look of the man and Solomon-like look
), of this Roman-nosed bird presented the
!. funniest sort of contrast"
-
! A BUFFALO man bought a revolver al
e store in that city, and when the CLERK
a, asked for what purpose he wanted it, ht
'r replied: 81 am going to shoot my
n father-in-law and my brother-in-l law
o After he had lodged few ounces of lead
~ in each one of those relatives. the clerA
% observed that, "blamed if he wasn't 8
'. little sorry he had let him have the pis
T. tol." And he spoke as if he meant it
1t too. 1aF ..v.f1li}.. Hat B.
{. FALSE AND TRUE.
N The false is fairer than the true. Behold
- Yoa cloudy giant on the hills sup1ne-
er The figure of falsehood that doth shine,
N Armored and belmeted in such gold - Z
ne As in the marts was never bought or eoldf-
ne Giant and armor the exalted sign tlt-
OF shapes less glorious and tints less nne-
OF forms of truth ou.matched thousand fold
Ah, Poesiei Thou charmer aud thou cheati
: Printing for ewes that fli with happy tears,
us In tints de uslve pictures that repeat
Dull, earthly forms in heavenly atmosphefesl
- How dost thou shame the truth till It appears
n, Less lovely far than thy divine deceitl
L