Saint Mary's beacon. [volume] (Leonard Town, Md.) 1867-1983, 1879-05-08


A New PnRsEDRnTiAE CAsDsDATR.
MARX Twsin = in the feld for re
next presidency and We take great plea
sure i'm making tie fact known. what
we particularly admire in Mark i The
candid way 10 whseh be announces bis
political principles and veniiIates his
persessl record. we submit his pro-
gramme TO . discerning public.
have pretty much made up my mind
to rwn for president. What the coun-
try wants 10 o candidate who can not Be
injured by investigation Of his past his
tory, 80 that The enemies Of the pariy
will be unable 10 rake up against him
things that nobody ever heard of before.
II you know the most about Q candi-
date. to begin wiTb. every attempt 70
spring things On him win be checkma-
ted. No. am going to enter the field
with an open record. lam going 10
own up IN advance to all the wicked
ness have done. and if any congress
siousl committee y disposed 10 prowI
around my biography, in the hope ol
finding any dark and deadly deed which
have secreted, Why let il prowl.
In the first place, admit that | did
tree o rheumatic grandfather Of mine
m the winter Of 1859. He was old and
inexpert al climbing trees. But with
a hearttess brutality that Is characteris-
&c ofme, Fran blm out the front door
IN hiknightf burt, at 4 point Of fhot-
gun, and caused him 10 bowl up ma
Die tree, where be remained oil night,
while emptied shot IN his legs. | did
this because he sncred. will do IL
again If ! ever have another grandEath-
er. am as iEhuman now as i was in
1859. No rheumatic person shall snore
m my house.
candidly acknowledge that ! ran
away at the battle Of Gettysburg. My
friends have tried to smooth over this
fact by asserting that ! merely got be-
hind tree, that did so for the pur-
pose eliminating Washington, who went
into the woods at Valley Forge to say
his prayers. Il isa miserable subter-
fuge. / struck out in . straight line for
the Tropic oil Cancer, simply because
was scared. I wanted my country
saved, but preferred to have some
body else save her. | entertain that
preference yet. II the bubble OF repu-
iation can be obtained only ut the can
mons mouth, I am willing to 60 there
for Il, provided the cannon is empty
IT IL is loaded, my immortal and fixed
purpose is to get suddenly over the
fence and 90 home. My Invariable
practice in war has been 10 bring out
OF any given fight two-thirds more men
than / took IN. This seems to me to be
NspoIeonic in its grandeur.
Ny financial views are OF the most de-
cided character, but they are likely,
10 increase my popularity with the adj
vocates OF imitation or contraction. ]
do not insist upon the special suprema-
cy Of rag money or hard money. The
great fundamental principle Of my life
Is TO take any kind that can get.
The rumor that buried dead aunt
under one Of my grape vines is founded
upon fact. The vines needed fertiliz-
ing, my aunt had to be buried. and i
had dedicated her to this high purpose.
Does that unfit me for the presidency !
The constitution Of COR country does
not saw so. No other citizen was ever
considered unworthy of Office because
he enriched his grape vines with his
relations. Why should be selected as
the first victim OF an absurd prejudice |.
admit, also, that am not = friend
of the poor man. | regard the poor
man, in his present condition, as SO
much wasted raw material. Put up aud
properly canned, he might be made use
ful to fatten the natives Of the Cannibal
islands, and to improve our export trade
with that region. ! shall recommend
legislation upon the subject in my FIRST
message. My campaign cry will be !:
"Deslccate the poor workingman -
Stuff him into sausages %
These are the orst parts Of my re-
cord. On them | come before the coun-
try. IL my country don't want me |
will 60 back again. But recommend
myself as a safe mana man who starts
from the basis of total depravity, and
proposes to be iiendish to the last.