Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1879-12-20
The Great Controversy Betwe en-
Mark Twain and Private Sec re.
tarV Kirby.
THE PRIVATE SECRETARY REToRTs.

The Great Contrever.y Between
tary Kirby.
THE PRIVATE SECRETARY REToRTS.
To the Editor Of the Hartford Ere,aing Post:
SIR: My attention has been called to lette'
in the Coardnt OF Dec. Q, signed 'tMark Twain
and apparently Intended FOR me, although NJ.
Twain has not as yet had the courtesy to dire t
one OF his eleven private secretaries to SEMI
me q copy thereof, so that should never have
known of this letter but for the kindness of SOM
friends. The experience of Others during som,
10 years that owned and edited country daily
satisfied me that correspondent who attempted
to correct an editor in his own paper had mis-.
taken his calling, and as MI. Twain is evidently
sadly In need OF correction, must ask your In
diligence for the following:
WASHINGTON, D. c., Dec. IL, 1879.
Mark Ttcain, Esq:
AGED AND RESPECTED SIR: I don't know
that quite grasp the meaning of your letter in
the CO'trdm OF the 9th inst; there is such a
wealth of Illustration in 1t that one almost loses
s1ght or the matter intended to be illustrated
III his admiration OF the beauty of the illuStra-
tons; but as near as can make it out you seem
to be under the impression that felt aggrieved.
trod upon, sat down upon, pulled, or otherwise
misuSed, either personally or as an 'sirresponsi-
to the Post Office Department, by your letter to
which my communication referred.
Now, right there is where you make very
serious M1Stake There was nothing in your
first letter personal to myself. and its miSrep-
RESERVATIONS of the regulations of the Post Office
department were In themselves no more worthy
or notice than those OF hundred irresponsible,
ignorant, and unknown newspaper writer's
whose marked illusions are daily sent to the de-
Hartment by their misguided readers. So far as
The order OF the Postmaster General and the
regulations OF the department are concerned
they need no defense. because any man who has
sense enough TO comprehend them. sees at
lance that they are right, and the officers of
the department have no time to waste In cor
lectiDg the miSinformation concerning them so
seGulOusly disseminated by many OF the COM
mon run of newspaper men.
Nothing in the world could have induced me
CT anybody connected with the postal service To
notice your letter had it appeared an editorial
III the BarkhamSted BtgJe or Freedom, from
which thought it had been extracted by the
came to the signature; but when saw the sig
nature, said TO myself: Now here is another
good man gone wrong, previously wrong. Here
is a man that have been looking up to for
years as my guide, philosopher. and friend. a man
whose fame covers the hemispheres as the invent
or OF scrap-book, the Inaugurator OF the move
ment to erect monument to Adam, and the
only man who ever dared to speak irreverently
Of members of the Boston Mutual Admiration
society In the presence OF meeting OF that so
ciety, and this man has been writing about a
matter Of which he is so utterly and hOpelessly
ignorant that he thinks he knows all about it,
sit won't do" said l to myself "to let such a
man as this continue to languish In darkness
and reflect the same upon his neigibors." So,
cut OF pure DenevOlence l sent you the dOcu-
ments, believing that when you had been fur
nished the evidence that you were all wrong.
and had been so from the beginning, you would
Lot retract, for that would be fatal, but that
you would, at least, say that the department
had reCeded from the position in Which you had
placed 1t, and that 1t was at any rate. according
10 your latest adviceS, not exactly the imbeclle
Institution which you had represented 1t to be.
l am glad to see that was not disappointed,
but am little surprised to find you laying the
responsibility Of your former ignorance upon the
department.
Still don't know that can blame you either
for that or for the go mel somewhat personal
preface to your recantatiOn. In an ordinary
man it would be regarded as natural, but had
somehow thought better things of you. You
see supposed, as matter OF course, when you
killed your conscience you had also made away
with your SensftiveneSs. To professional hum
orjst, a man who makes his living by prodding
other people, a thin skin is even more incon-
slightest idea that you would get mad at a little
thing like my letter. l can only say by way OF
pallfation, that If have done anything for you
to be sorry for, am glad Of 1t.
In conclusion, permit me to suggest that II
you will kindly stir up that particular one of
your II private secretaries, whose duty it is to
return that newspaper clipping sent you, you
will greatly oblige
Yours truly, THOMAS B. KIRBY.
Among the Romans.
When good Governor s., who is a moSt de-
vout Episcopalian, was the chief magistrate of
Kentucky, he was wont to frequently entertain
lut uleluUtTS Ol Cue general ASSEMBLY at U0e
governors mansion. To one Of these levees
came, with the member from his county, an old
mountaineer who had just reached Frankfort
with the raft of logs which he had brought down
the Kentucky river. The old man. who was
called Familiarity "Uncle Johnny" soon became
the center OF an admir1ng group to whom his
jean clothes were not at all an improper attire
for the governors levee, and his tongue being
lOOSed by glass Of sherry wine, which he then
tasted for the first time In his life, he was enter
tanning his auditors with stories from This
county," when the governor approached.
"Uncle Johnny, here is the Governor" said
one OF the company; and straightway the Old
man was silent, for he was Overwhelmed by
I his first vision OF the majesty of the common
wealth.
$50 On with your story, Uncle Johnny" said
some one; ''the Governor would like to hear
it,"
ayes, so on, Uncle Johnny" said the Gov
ernOr with a kindly smile OF encouragement;
and the old man, thus convinced that even the
Governor was also man. concluded his MARIA
tive.
Then becoming bolder, he ventured to adj
dress the Governor. saying, "Guynor, l went
to your meeting yistiddy, and l seen whar You
SETS"
He had been to the Episcopal church, and had
been shown the Governors pew.
ibid you Uncle johnny" responded Governor
s.. "And how did you like it?'
"Well. GuvnOr, / never knOwed much what
they was a-doin' bUt rig ana fel 1cit 'eil erely
tinae.-]EditO1'S D''dl1eT, in Harpe'''s Magazine
FOR JuHUd7'H.