The New Bloomfield, Pa. times. (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1877-188?, 1879-09-09
Patrlck's Theology.

t"h'oN tUpuiNuJ'
Patrick )" said Il priest :" The widow
Molony tells me that you have stolen
one of her finest pigs. Is that 80 7"
Eyes, yer honor"
what have you done with III"
"Ililled IL and ate IT, yer honor"
"Oh Patrick, when you are brought
face to face with the widow and her pig
on Judgment Day, what account Will
you be able TO give Of yourself, when she
accuses you OF the theftY'
"Did you say the pig would he there,
yer rlverence ="
"To be sure / did"
"Well, then, yer reverence, III say,
Mrs. Molony, there's your pg.'"
-.
n9g You have given me Scotch whls-
key; asked for Irlsh," complained a
hurried imbiber.
"Never mind" said the publican;
fancy It's Irish"
The man drank up the liquor, and
made for the door,
"Stop cried Bonlface; you haven't
puid me-"
Never mind fancy | have said
his customer, and away he went.
gas' " Just think of the nasty men
eating cigars" snid Mrs. Fllhllan, the
other day.
"They don't eat cigars, MOTHER"
interposed her son "they only chew
tobacco"
Hold your tongue" snapped the old
lady, wasn't IL only this morning that
that heard your father ask Mr.. Simp-
kins If he had u cigarette ~
EB'A pretentious, fussy man, who
wanted TO make speech to Sunday
School, thought he would adopt the
colloquial style, and so began by saying:
"Now, boys, what does man want
when he goes a-fishingp" A shrill voice
in the crowd went directly to the point
with Wants bite" The gentleman
sat down without further remarks.
Hsg George Alfred Townsend ("Gath'o
tells of mineral spring in the State Of
New York that Is 80 strongly impregna-
ted with iron that farmers horses that
drink of Its waters never require to be
shod.-New York Port. George Alfred's
claim to relationship with George Wash
ington, of little hatchet fame, can no
longer be questioned.
R5g" Say, Caesar Augustus, why am
your legs like an organ grinder?"
"Don't know, Mr.. Sugarloaf-why is
deyY"
"'Cause they carry monkey about
the streets"
A brick grazed the head of Mr.. Sugar
loaf as his ears disappeared around the
corner of a street.
e7"" Rash, sinful man." said unbraid-
ingly the chaplain to the prisoner,
suppose you were to die now, what
sort of conscience would you die with,
eh ?n
"Oh, my conscience is as good as
new never used 1t Bit" said the pris-
oner, proudly.
eD A young lady pupil Of high
school put on mass of false hair, pen
ciled her eyebrows, rouged her cheeks,
etc., and then went to the Commence
ment and read her essay, entitled, De-
ception Prevailing Folly"
ca A modern philosopher thinks it Is
a mistake to suppose that women have
stronger attachments than men. A
man is often attached to an old hat;
but, he asks, "Who ever heard OF
woman being attached to an old bon
net 7"
B1" " Must have rained around about
last night, +" remarked the old farmer, as
he looked abroad in the morning. And
his little boy, whose jacket was very
ragged, said he wished that it had rained
a roundabout for him.
e. Kinkakee has justice who beats
them all in the way of doing up a job Of
matrimonial splicing with neatness and
dispatch. This is his formula: Have
FER ?' Eyes" Have 'im?" F" Yes"
Married; 81"
E9e "This is a friend of mine, my
dear-a friend of twenty years stand