The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1879-04-18
THE SMART ALECK.

The "Smart Aleck" Is Cross between
thorough bred ruffian and a social bore.
He has a weakness for notoriety and is
never at ease when alone, and when In
company he is the only one present who
does not think about the destinations of
the life of a hermit. We have often
thought that Belzebub must have started
out as Smart Aleck," and that instead
of living and enduring as we of the pres
ent day do, the company rebelled against
him, and thus caused the first war of
which we have any record. We have
never mingled in society high enough or
low enough to escape the fortunes inflict-
ed by the ''Smart Aleck.'' He secures a
seat just behind you at the theater and
proceeds at once to create more misery
than all the star actors in the world
could dispel with talent. He comments
on the play loud enough and with spec
ial view of being heard by all present.
He has seen the same play so often back
east that 1t is a bore to him. 1t is being
fearfully butchered. If you could see it
played by the actors with all of whom he
was personally acquainted back east you
would not recognize it as being the same
thing. He frequently forgets himself,
however, and becomes so interested in
the play that the other spectators valnly
hope he will not again remember his
dignity. When he RECEIVERS himself he
wonders how much longer the thing will
last and unconsciously expresses the
heartfelt wish of the whole audience,
that he had STAYED at hOnae
As soon as the "Smart Aleck" hears
the mail train whistle he rushes off to
the post Office and impatiently awaits
for his daily portion of nothing. He
raps on the closed windows and
of course the post master opens up
three or four hours sooner than he in
tended to. He intimates to the crowd
that a couple of old ladies would get
through the work great deal quicker
than the present force of clerks do. He
looks at doubtful watch and remarks
that he cannot wait much longer. He
only has three minutes to go on. The
bystanders have fiendish desire to set
that watch 40 minutes fast.
He mOnOpolizes the window as soon
as it is opened, and is astonished to hear
| that there is nothing for him. He is
sure there is something wrong and he
proposes to see about it.
He often turns up at the depot an
hour and half before train time, and
asks the agent what time the four O'Clock
train is due. He wants to know if it is
tri-weekly train, that is, does it run
west one week and try to get back the
next. He gets off various other jokes
which were worn thread-bare before the
timber in George Washington's hatchet
handle ever grew. He reads aloud all
the posters in the waiting room, to the
best of his ability and to the utter dis
| gust of the company. He smokes a mil
cigar or fires up a pipe, the fumes Of
which cause you to think of fire insur
ance policy on harness shop, or the
conf1agratiOn of an indian-rubber boot
and shoe factory. He sprinkles enough
profanity through his language to let al
present know that he is not agreen-horn
He compares the railroad with tn,
road where he used to live, and if you
had never been east of Reading or hearC
a man lie, you would think that tn
trains on eastern roads were only visabl
while stopping at stations.
The Smart Aleck" lisa living, moving
auger, and it has always been a mystery
to us, why he is not mentioned as one o
the dangers to be charged for, in a lif
insurance policy. QUIIP.