The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1879-05-30
Prof. Thrum's Pills.

Ever met Prerfesser Thrum-'Lias
J.?"
Il never have. Who is hep"
"Oh, he's geenyus; one O. the finest
'pearing old gentlemen We ever see |;
highly edyecated, comes of a good fam Iy,
and jest as keen's a brier"
whats his business?"
"Preachin' and pillin', mostly; he's
principal agent for the Ben Franklin
Self-Supportin' Pill, and he ex'orts even
ms when he's travelin' The wimmin-
folks jest goes crazy abAout 'Lias. No
discaunt on Lias j. Thrum, 1 tell yew |!
Good many minister's is more or less
pestered in prare, but 'Lias goes rite
long, g if nothin' t all was the matter.
No hitchin' and coughin' to him when
he's ingaged; frees a bird, every time"
lis he good speaker?"
"The most sperrited we ever heered.
Fine voice?"
"Clear's a quill, and louder'n gun.
When the winder is open in aour school
haouse, where he labors frequent, emmy
body t'other side the river kin hear
him. He meks things Jump, / tell yew,
when he gifts agoin'!"
"How is he in argument?'
up tew emmy on EN-, we may depend.
Karnt ketch 'Lias where the wooPs
short, from Genesiz to Revelations.
Wish ye'd heered him tackle wun o.
yore Boston transildentist fellers who
woz up herein East Nineveh last sum-
mer. Fun then, I tell yew. There
warn't piece left ov that Massachusetts,
onbeliever's bigas cloze-pin. Sumb'dy
said that air radikel he'd lost his mind.
'Lias bust aout larfn, and seq he, 1
wouldn't pick it up eff 1 faound it layin'
raound ennywhere.' That's 'Lias! he's
jest's quick's flash. He's barmy Gill
yud all over, and big dog under the
wagon tew boot, as the old sayir' is"
Are the Ben Franklin pills popular
in this town."
Eyes, sir, and everywhere else, tew.
Look here, yew. Jest work into your
letters suthin' bout them pills, and
'Lias II sartisfy We. He wouldn't mind
payin' we well for yer trubble. Most
estonishin' cures them pills 8 brought
abaout! Miss Witkum, daown here to
the Four Corners, couldn't see aout ov
y
ov havin', both to wunce, neurology and
dispepsy on the spinel marrer; but
Lias cured her up with cupple o boxes
cleans a wissel. Hiram Perkings's
teeth was all a-gittin loose, but box
and harf o the Ben Franklin fixed 'em
in agin tights drum. Hundreds O.
cases jest like these is well known in
aour caounty, and all over the United
States. My brother-in-law 'Rastus
Frink's bin in ev'ry port in the world
'cept Californy, and he SEE the crowned
heads in Urup is naow takin' 'em ev'ry
where. Wish We could hear the prer-
lesser, with tears IN his eyes, indorse
'Rastus's statemunt!"
"The professor believes In the efficacy
of the pills he is dealing in so largely, I
SUPPOSE"
"That's so; and well he may, for they
saved his life when he had water on the
heart so bad"
When was that?"
Years ago, when he was young
man, comparatively speakin'. Let's
see: He was 'tacted with this water on
the heart when he was sent s mission
cry into the old Gypsum country.
He tells the story that when he got rort
up a-speakin' to them heather ladies
and juntlemen over there on the bank
ov the Nile, his feelin's was tew much
for his strength, and so this water sot
in, fust on his chist. Poorly soon, he
seq, his heart gut het up and went to
bilin' If we put yer ear daown, we
could hear it. Wa'al, 'Lias spent thaou-
sands O. dolluz, calm in the doctors
near and fur No use They all gin
him up, and he come home to die. One
day he overheered man in New York
say the Ben Franklin pills was shore
remedy for water on the heart, and 'Lias
went in for box on 'em; KEEP takin'
box arter box, and at the end o the fif-
teenth or sixteenth box Che don't naow
zactly remember which it was), he be-
gun to improve, and the sizzhn' stopt
inside ov him. Out O. gratitude he ex-
cepted agency, and he's gone on in-
trodoocin' them pills into evry quarter
o. the known globe. Turkey, Prooshy,
Aysha, Chiny, everywhere most, he's
introduced 'em by word O 'maouth.
When he goes aout to Ingey he alters
stops at the pallis, and all the high
priests waits on him abaout. The
grandees thinks ev'ry thing on him oaut
there in highland and Rooshy. It's
goods play to hear Lias tell of his
travels aout there. When he went to
Kanky-noo, aout in Japan, more'n a
hunderd elefunts, all rugged up in golden
jewills, walked tew and tew in the royle
procession to meet him on the WORT.
'Lias seq the Kings family warnts him
to come aout there and settel, but he
ruther thinks he sharn't dew it at pres
ent He's dreadfully 'tached to this
ere form o. government, but he may
alter his mind, byme-by, and pull up
stakes agin. Wish we could see Prer-
! lesser Thrum's kleckshun curiositiz he
gut together in Jruslum; gut leetle
piece o. Maount Arrerroot 'mung 'em,
and genowyne lock O. hair o. the
prodigal son. One o. the most valooble
things he's quits the stun that killed
Collar; seq he wouldn't take ten thaou-
sand dolluz for it, bin offered nine by
the British Guvment. over'n over agin.
Il notice you call Mr.. Thrum Pro-
lessor. What is he professor OFF"