Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1879-06-12
MARK TWAIN AND THE PREsI-
DENOY.
He o rers Himse n a. Candidate, and Points
10 His.Record,S


Mark Twain has published the
following open letter TO his coun-
trymen of either or any party:
81 have pretty much made up my
mind to run for president. What
the country wants is q candidate
who can not be injured by investi-
cation OF bis past history, so that
the en- smies of the party will be IN
able to rake up anything against
him that nobody ever heard Of be-
fore. If you know the worst about
a candidate to begin with, every at
tempt to spring things on him will
be checkmated. Now 1 am going
to enter the field with an open rec.
ord. l ana going to own up 10 ad-
vance to all the weaknesses / have
done, and if any congressional COM
mittee is disposed to prowI around
my biography in the hope of dis
coveriog any dark and deadly deed
that have secreted, why--let it
prowl.
10 the first place, l admit that /
freed a rheumatic grandfather of
mine in the winter of 1850. He was
cid and inexpert in climbing trees,
but with the hesrtless brutality that
is charact eristic of me l ran him out
of the front door in his night shirt
at the point of shotgun and
caused him to bowl up q maple
tree, where be remained all night,
while emptied shot into his legs.
did this because be snored, | will
do it again if ever have another
grandfather. I am as inhuman now
as / was in 1850.
l candidly acknowledge that 1
ran away at the battle Of Gettys.
burg. My friends have tried to
smooth over this fact by asserting
that | did so for the purpose of i'm
itatIng Washington, who went into
the woods at Valley Forge for the
purpose of saying bis prayers. It
was miserable subterfuge. struck
out in straight line for the Tropic
OF Cancer because l was scared. l
wanted my country saved, but |
preferred to have somebody else
save it. I entertain that preference
yet. If the bubble reputation can
be obtained only at the lannon's
mouth, am willing to 60 there for
it, provided the cannon is empty.
If it is loaded my immortal aud in-
flexible purpose is to get over the
fence and go home. My invariable
practice in war has been to bring
out of every fight two thirds more
men than when l went in. This
seems to me to be Napoleonic in it's
grandeur.
My financial views are OF the
most decided character, but they are
not likely, perhaps, to increase my
popularity with the advocates of
imitation. l do not insist upon q
special supremacy of rag money or
hard money. The great fundamen-
tai principle of my life is to take
any kind ! can get.
The rumor that | buried dead
aunt under my grape vine was cor
rect. The vine needed fertilizing.
my aunt had to be buried, and
dedicated her to this high purpose.
Does that unfit me for the presiden>
cy? The constitution of our country
does not say so. No other citizen
was ever considered unworthy of
this Office because he enriched his
grape vines with his dead relatives.
Why should be selected as the
first victim of an absurd prejudice :?
| admit also that l am not a
friend of the poor man. / regard
the poor man, in his present con-
dition, as so much wasted raw ma
terial. Out up and properly canned
he might be made useful to fatten
the natives of the cannibal islands,
and to improve our export trade
with that region. l shall recon-
mend legislation on the subject in
my first message. My campaign
cry will be: "Dssicate the poor
workingman stuff him into saus.
ages"
These are about the worst part oil
my record On them / come before
the country, 1t my country DONE
want me | will go back again. But
l recommend myself as safe man
"a man who starts from the basis
of total depravity and proposes to
he fandiah IN tho laat -