Montgomery County sentinel. [volume] (Rockville, Md.) 1855-1974, 1879-02-28
Mark Twain as a Candidate.


to run for president. What the country
wants is candidate who cannot be in
jured by investigation of his past histo-
ry, so that the enimes Of the party will
be unable to rake up against him things
that nobody ever heard Of before. If
you know the most about candidate to
begin with every attempt to spring
things on him will be check-mated. -
Now, am going to enter the field with
an open record. am going to own up
10 advance to all the wickedness l have
done, and if any Congressional commit
tee comes prowling around my biogra-
ply in the hope of finding any dark and
deadly deed which have secreted, why,
let it prowl.
In the first place. I admit that I did
tree a rheumatic grandfather Of mine in
the winter of 80. He was old and in
expert at climbing trees, but with a
heartless brutality that is characteristic
Of me, ran him out of the front door
in his night shirt. at the point of shot
gun, and caused him to bowl up maple
tree where he remained all night while
I poured bird shot into his legs | did
this because he snored. I will do
again if ever 1 have another grandfather.
| am as inhuman now as then. No
rheumatic person shall ever snore in my
house.
l candidly acknowledge that / ran
away at the battle of Gettysburg. My
friends have tried to smooth this fact by
asserting that | merely got behind a
tree, that | did SO for the purpose of i'm
tating Washington who went into the
woods at Valley Forge to say bis pray
ers. 1t is miserable subterfuge. I
struck out in straight line for the trop-
ic of Cancer, simply because l was
scared. | wanted my country saved,
but preferred to have somebody else save
her. | entertain thst idea yet. If the
bubble reputation can only be obtained at
the lannon's mouth, am willing to go
there, provided the cannon is empty
Il it is loaded my immortal and inAexiblc
purpose is to get suddenly over the fence
and 90 home. My invariable practice
in war is to bring out Of any fight two
thirds more men than | took in. This
seems to me to be Napoleonic in its
grandeur.
My financial views are of the most de-
cided kind, but they are not likely, per-
haps, to increase my popularity with the
advocates Of contraction or imitation. I
do insist upon the special supremacy of
rag money or hard money. The great
fundamental principle Of my life is to
take any kind that can get.
The rumor that buried a dead aunt
under one of my grape vines is founded
upon facts. The vines needed fertilizing
and my aunt had to be buried. and I
dedicated her to this high purpose. Docs
that unfit me for the presidency The
constitution Of our country does not say
SO. No other citizen was ever consider
ed unworthy of Office Because he enrich
ed his grape vines with his relations.
Why should be selected as the first
victim of an absurd prejudice
admit that am not the friend Of
poor men. | regard the poor man in
his present condition as so much raw
material. Cut up and properly canned
he might be made useful to fatten tho
natives Of the Cannibal Islands and to i'm
prove our export trade with that region.
| shall recommend legislation upon that
subject in my first message. My cam
paign cry will be: STUFF him for saus-
ages !"
These are about the worst parts Of my
record On them | come before the
country. If the country don't want me
then will go back again.
But l recommend myself as safe
man "a man who starts from the basis
of total depravlty, and proposes to be
ficndish TO the last extreme.