davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04
Wit and HumOr.

1t takes rick-pocket to dis-purse q
crowd.
What the milk-man never treats you
to--a nice-cream.
You can always find sheet of water
on the bed of the ocean.
A man never wants to laugh when
there is fly on his nose, but he is
greatly tickled.
If you don't want to be robbed of
your good name, do not have it printed
on your umbrella.
The woman who maketh q good pud-
ding in silence, is better than she who
maketh tart reply.
'Have you heard my last speech ?"
asked political haranguer of wit.
II hope So" was tie reply.
In Wales a signboard reads: "Take
notice that when this post is under wa
ter the road is impossible"
Language first came into the world
during Adam and Ewes first quarrel,
when one word brought on another.
Soliloquy by tipler--The public
always notices when o mans been
drinking, but never when he is thirsty.
A Dubuks firm hangs out the sign,
"Schott & Liven." He couldn't have
been very ba 1ly shot then; or it would
have killed him.
A Frenchman, intending to compli-
ment young lady by calling her a
gentle lamb, said: "She is one tame
mutton as is small"
Grandfather to his hopeful: "My
son, which would You rather have when
you go home-a little brother or sister p
Grandson: "Well, would rather have
little pony"
A timid Bostonian has married lady
whose weight verges closely upon 300
pounds. my dear" says he to her,
''shall 1 help you over the fence O.
''No," says she to him, help the
fence"
The colored brother in yirginian
church just hit the nail Un the head
when he prayed ut the close Of a whita
brothers sermon. Lord, bress de
brudder TO whom We has listened 20 90
patiently"
A Western paper apologies thus: In
place Of Mayor n. was tight Last even-
ing BEYOND a doubt" please read
Mayor y. was right" etc. The eoEa-
position that did the mischief has been
asked to remove himself.
An honest Hjbernian, trundling q
hand-cArt cc-tAlning all his mosaises.
Was sccOsted by q friend with: well.
Patrick. yOa are moving again. 1 See
Path l am. replied he The times
are 20 hard it's dale cheaper hiring
hARd-earts than paying Fints-"
A little boy, whose f3ther was . rather
imm03er&te drinker Of the moderate
kind. one day sprained his wrist, and
has mother utilized the whiakey In her
"H<f'~ndis bottle 30 hsthe the little fel-
l0~s eth. After while the pain
began 3, ai-nse. and the child surprised
hi- saother by exei.iming, Ma, has pa
gos sprAined throAf
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

The utility of the electric lights for
ocean steamers was forcibly illustrated
during the last voyage of the Faraday
from New York. During thick fog, near
the banks of New Foundland, at 10
clock at night, size suddenly discov-
cred large emigrant sailing ship i'm
mediately under her bow. The bril-
liancy of the electric light revealed the
danger Just in time to enable the Cap
tain to reverse the engines. and the two
ships passed each other at a distance OF
q few feet. The lantern ordinarily used
could no. have penetrated the fog suIli
GENTLY 10 have avoided collision, and
more than q hundred lives would have
been lost.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

had bronLed. Samples that have been
analyxed, and even those partially
tested, have shown the presence OF
these foreign substances. L can not
indicate the percentages developed by
the analyses; but the degree OF adulter-
alton is of slight Importance SO long as
it is sufficient to iujure the health OF
consumers. Nuriate of tin, OF course.
is q rank poison, but glucose is believed
to be very injurious in causing dis
eases of the Edneys.-Cmcinnah Ga
zSths
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

Last evening when the c., B. & @.
train bound west, was streaking it for the
grade, o belated man with gripsack in
his hand came charging down Eight
street, Just as the last Pullman cleared the
crossing. He made frantic grab at
the hand rail, just caught it with one
hand, the train ierked him off his feet,
threw his grip sack on top of lumber
pile, banged him against the coupling
buffer and then slammed him down in
the street on the other side of the track.
"Were you going west, my friend ?"
softly asked wild looking little man in
green spectacles. mot tonight" said
the delayed passenger, sitting up and
gazing after the rapidly receding red
lights, and then he added, in lower
tones, but very earnestly, "Blast the
train, / didn't know it was loaded"
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

SROorIxs SrARs.-As they sat upon
the step, on Sunday evening, he
claimed his right to kiss for every
shooting star. She at FIRST demurred,
rs became a modest maiden. but finally
yielded. She vas even accommodating
enough to cali his attention to the fly
ing meteors that were about 10 escape
his nOtice. and then TO go to ealing
him On lightning bugs, and at Last got
him down 30 steady work on the
light OF q lantern that q man vac
swinging about Q depot, in the dis
tanes. where the trains xsrs switching.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

One of the most singular expedients
for shutting off the mortal coil" is
voluntary starvation. We can con-
ceive of desperate or Respondent man
hanging, shooting, drowning, or poison
ing himself, but that he should deliber-
ately choose the lingering death of star
walton seems strange indeed. Yet several
instances of this form of suicide have
been recorded in the newspapers of
late. Conrad Knapp, a resident of
Keokuk, is starving himself to death
through fear of his family coming to
want. For three weeks he has tasted
no food at all, and for six weeks has
not laid down in bed, and has had
scarcely twenty-four hours sleep in all
that time. He sits up in chair, and
occasionally through sheer exhaustion
falls into doAe. but soon wakes up,
and is as immdvable in his purpose to
starve himselfRto death as ever. He
has become fearfully emaciated, and
his body begins to emit sickening
odor. Every conceivable means has
beed usefto induce him to taste food,
sip water, or to take medicine, but all
without avail. He remains firm in his
refusal, and persists in saying that it is
fate-the fate of the family to starve,
and that the rest will follow him soon
enough. At last his friends have inter
fered and forced beef tea in his stom-
ach.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

"HoLD THE Fort. Everybody sings
"Hold the Fort" but few know the
origin of the remarkable song. The
Chicago Inter Ocean gives the follow
ng: "There was a fort at Altoona,
iabout eighteen miles from Kennesaw
Mountain, which was being badly
pressed by the Confederate forces.
When Sherman reached Kennesaw he
signaled to Altoona, which was COM
manded by General Corse, Hold the
Fort, for l am coming The message
was seen and read by the men at the
fort, and as reply was necessary, Cen
eral Corse ordered the young officer
standing near to send the reply-'Wave
the answer back to Sherman that We
hold the fort It was easy to order,
but while rebel bullets were flying
thick and fast several members of the
signal corps declined to signal, until
General Corse was impatient, when the
young officer referred to above grasped
the flag, mounted the dangerous post
and waved the answer back to Sher-
man. That young man was James w.
Mckenzie, of Hampton, Iowa, and the
war records mention the brave and cool
act for which he was promoted"
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

INDIAN CREDIBLE CAKEs.-Beat t~o
eggs light, stir into them one quart
sweet milk, one teaspoon salt and corn
meal enough to make a good batter,
bake ON a soap stone griddIe Is soon as
raised, or on an iron One CREASED with
pork. One spoonful Of batter for each
cake.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

One of the pretty fancios of the
French people is to make colors the ex-
preston of sentiment. They hold that
violet is analogous to friendship, blue
to love, as suggested by blue eyes and
azure sky. A bunch of violets would
therefore tell a lady's sutton that friend
ship is all he has right to expect.
Yellow is paternity or maternity; it is
the yellow rays of the spectrum which
cause the germ to shoot. Red figures
ambition; indigo, the spirit of rivalry;
green, the love of change, fickleness;
black, favoritism; white, untidy, uni
versity. In addition to the seven primi-
tive colors, gray indicates power;
brown, prudery; pink, modesty; silver
gray (semi-white), feeble love; lilac
(semi- violet, feeble friendship; pink,
false shame.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

The other day visitor surprised
Richard Grant White saying to his
baby: "Oha y, no.ay, mussy tick
hick his title tootsy tootsies out from
indy re banky wanky OF e catch coly
woly an have re snufiies." Just then
he caught sight of the visitor, and said
to the infant: "No, no, you must not
expose your pedal extremities by ex-
tend ng them beyond the protecting
cover of the blanket, or you will lay
your system open to attacks of catarrhal
affections" And the astonished child
shrieked as though some one had
winged it with defective safety pin. -
Burlington Haapkeye.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

VANILLA CAKK.-Four eggs, one
half cup sugar, four tablespoons sour
cream, one teaspoon salt, one teaspoon
cream tartar, One-hah teaspoon soda.
one and one-half cups -four; favor
with Vanilla
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

Nut CAKK.-Two cups Of sugar. one
cup Of butter, three cups OF -four, one
cup Of cold water, four eggs, three
teaspOonfuls Of baking powder, two
cupiuls OF kernels Of hiekOry-nuts or
white walnuts. carefully picked OUT
and added last Of all.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

The Hon. Neal Dow, of Maine-Iaw
fame, writes letter to the New York
Tribune. in which he proposes rene
dy for college hazing. He says:
The sheriff, the police, the grand
jury and courts could and would put
an end at once to the whole system OF
hhzing in American colleges, and moth
ing else can or will, until those institu-
tons are pervaded by a higher moral
tone and a higher civilization, to say
nothing of higher standard OF gospel
teaching and higher appreciation OF
gospel truth.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

A CURE FOR DIPHTHERIA.-The cele-
brated DIR. Field, during the ravages
of diphtheria in England o few years
since, used the following remedy: A
teaspoonful of flowers of birthstone in
q wineglass of water, stirred with the
finger rather than spoon, as sulphur
does not readily amalgamate with the
water; when well mixed use as gargle
and swallow. In extreme cases, where
the fungus was too nearly closed to al
low gargling. he blew the sulphur
through a quill into the throat, and
after the fungus had shraak, then gar
gled. II the patient cannot gsrgle,
sprinkle the flowers Of birthstone on a
live coal and let him ihhale the fumes.
Brimstone kills every species of fungus
in man. beast, and plant. DIR. Field
never lost n patient from iiphtheria
during AL his immense practice.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

NoSPARKrL PuDDIxG.--One pint of
bread crumbs, one quart Of milk, one
cup OF sugar, the yolks Of four eggs
sell beaten, the rind a one lemon
grated fine, a piece Of butter the size
Of an egg. bake until well done. Beat
the whites Of four eggs to a stiff freth,
adding teacup Of Palverized sugar in
which has been previously stirred the
juice Of lemon; spread over the pud-
ding q layer Of any kind Of Jelly. then
pour the whites a the eggs over and
place in the oven until slightly brown.
serve with cnsa cr~avn.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

A western iasysE ..seIsAed in his hiil
against his client: ITO waking mp in
the night and thinking about your
ease, s."
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

On FOR KNIvEs.--A lady writes to
say that our advice to grease steel
knives before laying them away, in or
der to prevent rust, has not proved
good. Perhaps the right kind of ma
terial was not used. Never use salad
oil to preserve steel from rust. Beware
also of candle grease or rancid tallow,
for knives especially, fresh mutton or
venison suet is the best, beef suet next.
Common lard is better than salad oil;
there is less water in it, and it does not
stain the steel as salad oil, il left on for
any time, invariably does.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

The motto for lovers is, "E plural
buss yum, yumT
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

CURE FOR HYDRoPRoBIA.-T dread.
full disease, which has always been con.
cidered incurable, seems in fair way
of yielding to medical treatment. II
appears that the Arabs have a secret
remedy for it in the shape of fragments
of beetle tolerably common in Tunis.
These fragments are taken internally,
and, according to recent rep ts by q
French savant, possess powerful vesi.
eating properties, and it would endan.
ger the patients life to increase the
dose too much. The Arabs are unani.
mons in affirming the efficacy OF this
remedy, which will act, however, only
during the Is or 20 days subsequent to
the biting. 1t scarcely admits Of q
doubt that the remedy occasions at
taeks of the collie. and, being extremely
powerful. should be administered with
the greatest prudence. Whether this
Is the only known remedy remains to
be shown, but il should serve to pui
doctors on the right track.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

Gold has been discovered in Backs
c0unty, Pennsylvania The as~Ry il
about three cents 10 the ton. am sh~ ex-
cited PeLnsylssuskns actually ielieve
thai man can make IL o. l. ,iay
w5rking fourteen bours. Nov 1T ue
resume withoutfar selsy. Is there
no mins in Phiiaael, .biae
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04
Oak Leaf Edging.

Use two knitting needles, and upon
one cast ten stitches.
l. Knit two. thread over twice, (put
thread over twice, every time directions
say "thread over seam two together,
knit one, thread over, narrow, thread
over, narrow, knit one.
9. Knit two, knit first loop, seam
next, knit one, knit first loop, seam
next, knit one, thread over, seam two
together, knit two.
3. Knit two, thread over, seam two
together, knit three, thread over, mar
row. thread over marrow, knit one.
4. Knit two, knit first loop, seam
next, knit one, knit first loop, seam
next, knit three, thread over, seam two
together. knit two.
5. Knit two, thread over, seam two
together, knit five, thread over, narrow,
thread over, knit one.
6. Knit two, knit first loop, seam
next, knit one, knit first loop. seam
next, knit five, thread over, seam two
together, knit two.
7. Knit two, thread over, seam two
together, knit seven, thread over, NOR
row, thread over, narrow, knit one.
8. Knit two, knit first loop, seam
next, knit one, knit first loop. seam
next, knit seven, thread over, seam two
together, knit two.
8. Knit two, thread over, seam two
together, knit the remaining fourteen
plain.
10. Knit two, bind one over the
other, and so continued until ten in all
remain; knit six plain, thread over,
seam two together, knit two.
This completes one scallop; proceed
in like manner for others.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

.
SOMETHING To RING BELLS FoR.-
The Rev. DIR. Day, in q recent sermon
at Plaintield, New Jersey, told this
simple story: In town not far distant,
few years since, two Christian young
men. brothers, were doing q prosper
GUS business, assisting many noble en-
terprises, and each living in a beauti-
full home. A combination of disasters
suddenly rendered them insolyent.
What did they do? They did not con-
suit the law to see how much of their
property might he kept from their
creditors, but at once surrendered to
them homes, factories, assets, all and'
promised, if possible, the balance
should yet be paid to each creditor in
full. Resuming business, poor in
means, but strong in character, living
in cottages in which their noble wives
did the housework, until, by industry,
the last dollar fthe oldindebtedness was
paid, with interest. The day on which
this was completed the bells of the
churches were rung in honor, and the
whole town joined in the expression of
grateful joy-a triumph of character
such as the bells of any church might
we'll celebrate, and any community de-
light to honor.
A BIRDS GAME WITH BUTTERFLY.
"A Norwich man saw, the other even
ing, swallow whose action reminded
him of cats playful antics with q
mouse. The bird was in pursuit of q
gaudily-colored butterfly, and as it
chased the tiny insect over the house.
top and through the treeboughs, the
observer noticed that as often as the
butterfly was caught by the bird it was
elected from its mouth and the chase,
with all its features of hot pursuit, cap
ture and escape, was repeated score
or more of times. At length the bird,
tired of its sport, descended on the in
sect with a swoop, caught in its beak
and quickly devoured it.--Ne,o Haren
PdltadiuDa.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

Those writer's who think that thought
should spring into the mind full armed
and equipped, and who consider it be-
meath their dignity to correct and erase,
should see Tennyson at work writing
and rewriting his poems over and over,
or rather printing them, for the poet
laureate rarely uses pen. He keeps a
printing press, and has his poems set in
type, line by line. Imagine what a
nice, leisurely time the poet must have
strolling about on his lawn smoking
cigars, with that eccentric Texan hat of
his slouched over his moody brow COM
posing verse dayl Perhaps il some
of our prolific American poets would
try the verse a-day plan they might get
something like the prices the poet lau-
reate receives. Let them try it a day
or two, anyway.
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04
The Poetry and the Prose.

LamartiDe once wrote an invitation
in verse to Victor Hugo to visit him at
his house. The poetical epistle
contained minute account of the man
sion in which Lamartine was the master.
Victor Hugo consented; undertook the
long journey, and reached the dwelling
OF his brother poet. He looked about,
but in vain, for the "embattled sum-
mits." the .'bushy IVY" and the .'stones
tinted by the hand of time" of which
he had read. What he saw was an or
binary house rooted with flat tiles, un.
mantled OF ivy, and painte dirty
yellow. At first he thought the coach
man had Numbered. But Lamartine
appeared to welcome him, 80 that there
could he no mistake. On asking where
was the house which had been 50 beau
tifully described in the invitation, La
MARITIME replied: lyon see it before
You; have but rendered it habitable.
The bushy ivy made the walls damp
and gave me rheumatism. so l had it
removed. had the battlements pulled
down, and the house modern;zed; its
gray stones made me feel melancholy.
Ruins are nice things to write about,
but not to inhabit."
Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1879-01-04

GRASDN0THKK's PANCAKES. Three
egg. three sAblesPconfuls Of sugar. SIX
talk sPOonfuis Of sweet milk. three
tAbsexpOOnfnls q sour cream, oae-
half te&sPoonsGl Of soda; one-hAlf
teASpoonfai Of salt; spice 10 taste; stir
TO thick batter. and drop by the spoon
fnl into bot lard and fry like erullers-
Daily press and Dakotaian. [volume] (Yankton, Dakota Territory [S.D.]) 1875-1880, 1879-04-09
vEGETINE
Chills, Shakes,
FEVER AND ACUE.
TARRORO, N. G., lt7S,

lARHORO, N. u, 1875.
DIR. II. n. STEVENS =
Dear Sir-l feel very grateful for what your
valuable medicine. Vegstine, has done In my
family. I wish to express my thanks by informs
ing you Of the wonderful cure Of my son /; also,
to let you know that veEetine Is the best medi-
cine I ever saw for Ch1s. Shake, Feper and
A0us. My son was sick with measles In 1873.
which left him with ip.jofat disease, My son
suffered q great deal OF pain. all Of the time the
pain was SO great he did nothing but cry. The
doctors did not help him q particle, he could not
lift his foot from the floor, he could not move
without crutches. I read your advertisement In
the " Louisville Courier-J ournal, '1that Vegetlne
was q great Blood Purifier and Blood Food /
tried one bottle, which was q great benent. He
kept on with the medicine, gradually gaining.
He has taken eighteen bottles In all, and he Is
completely restored to health, walks without
crutches or cane. He Is twenty years Of age. 1
have = younger sbn, fifteen years Of age, who Is
subject to Chile. Whenever he feels one com-
ing on, he comes In, takes a dose Of Vegetine,
and that is the last ofthe Chill. vegetine leaves
no bad effect upon the system like most OF the
medicines recommended for CHILE. l cheerful
y recommend Vegetine fos such complaints: I
think 1t Is the greatest medicine In the world.
Respectfully, MRS. j. w. LLOYD.
YEaETINE.-When the blood becomes lifeless
and stAgnant, either from change OF weather or
Of climate, want OF exercise, irregular diet or
from any other cause, the VEGETlNE will renew
the blood, carry off the putrid humors, cleanse
the stomach. regulate the bowels, and tmpart =
tene OF vlgOr to the whole body.
Daily press and Dakotaian. [volume] (Yankton, Dakota Territory [S.D.]) 1875-1880, 1879-04-09
Everything Goes Wrong

In the bodily mechanism when the liver gets
out of order. Constipation, dyspepsia, contain
ination Of the blood, imperfect assimilation. are
certain to ensue. But it is easyto peventthese
consequences, and remove their cause, by .
course of Hostetter's Stomach. Bitters, which
stimulates the hillary organ and regulates
its action. The direct result is q disappearance
of:the pains beneath the ribs and through the
shoulder blade, the nausea, headaches, yellow
ness Of the skin, furred look Of the tongue. and
sour odor Of the breath. which characterize liver
complaint. Sound digestion and q regular hab-
1t Of body are blessings also secured by the use
Of this celebrated restorative Of health, which
imparts a degree Of vigor to the body which is
its best guarantee Of safety from malarial cpl
denies. Nerve weakness and oyer-tension are
relieved by it. and 1t improves both appetite
and sleep.