The Democratic advocate. [volume] (Westminster, Md.) 1865-1972, 1879-12-13
Mark Twaia on Babies.

Grant was present, was "The Babies-As
they confront us in our sorrows, let US not |
forget them in our festivities" and to this
Samuel L. Clemens responded. He said;
| like that. We have not all had the
good fortune to be ladies. We have not
been generals, or poets or statesmen, but |
when the toast works down to the babies,
We stand on common ground laughter, |
for we have all been babies. Renewed
laughter. II is shame that for thou
sand years the worlds banquets have
utterly ignored the baby [laughter1 as IL |
he didn't amount to anything. laugh
teri If you will stop and think minute;
if you will go back City or one hundred
years 10 your early married life [laughter]
and recontemplate your first baby, you win
remember that he amounted to a great
deal, and something over. [Roars.l You
soldiers all know that when the little fellow
arrived at family headquarters you had to
hand in your resignation. Laughter ]
He took entire command. You became
his laekey; his mere body servant laugh
teri and you had to stand around, too.
| Renewed laughterl He was not COM
mander who made allowances for time,
distance, weather or anything else. [Ccn-
vulsiye screams You had to execute
his order whether it was possible or not
roars,l and there was only one form of
marching in his manual Of tactics, and
that was double quick. [Shouts.] He
treated you with every sort of insolence
aud disrespect daughter j and the bravest
Of you didn's dare say word. TGreat
laughter. You could face the death
storm of Donelson and Vicksburg, and
give back blow for blow, but when he
clawed your whiskers and pulled your
hair and twisted your nose you had to
take 1t, Roars.] When the thunders
Of war were sounding in your ears you set
your faces toward the batteries aud ad-
vaneed with steady tread, but when he
turned on the terrors Of his warwhoop
[laughter1 you advanced in the other d.
rection, and mighty glad of the chance,
too. [Renewed laughter.l When he
called for soothing syrup, did you venture
TO throw out any side remarks about GER
tain services being unbecoming an officer
and gentleman Boisterous laughter. !
No, you got up and got it, [Great laugh
ter. When he ordered his "pap bot
tie, and it was not warm, did you talk
back2 [Laughter.1 Not you, [Renew-
ed laughter. You went to work and
warmed it. [Shouts.] You even de-
scended so far in your menial Office as TO
take suck at the warm, insipid stuff
[laughter,1 just to see if it was right
three parts water TO one Of milk [tumultu-
Gus laughter, touch Of sugar to modify
the collie daughter, ] and drop Of pepper
mint to kill those immortal hiccoughs
[Roars. | can taste that stuff. Laugh,
ter
And how many things you learned a;
you went along. Sentimental young folkl
still take stock in that beautiful old saying
that when the baby smiles it is because
the angels are whispering to him. Very
pretty, but too th:a; simply wind on tn,
stomach, my friends. [ShOuts.] If thu
baby proposed to take walk at his usua
hour, two O'Clock in the morning, laugh
i ter, didn't you rise up promptly and re
mark, with mental addition, which woul,
not improve a Sunday-school book mucI
[laughter,] that that was the very thing
you we're about to propose yourself lGrea
roars.1 Oh, you were under good disci
pline laug liter, and as you went patterinl
up and down the room in an undress uni
form laughter1 you not only prattled un
dignifed baby-talk, but even tuned al
your marshal voices aud tried to lunl
"Rock-a.by, Baby, in the tree top" foI
instance. [Great laughter.l What I
spectacle for an Army Of the Tennesse,
[laughter1 aud what an affliction for th,
neighbors, too, for il is not everybody
within a mile around that likes military
music at three o'clock in the morning
] [IAughter,l And when you had beeI
keeping this sort of thing up two or thre'
hours, and your little velvet head intima
ted that nothing suited him like exercis'
aud noise [laughter-"Go on" what diS
you do2 You simply went on until 20,
dropped in tho last ditch, Laughter.
The idea that baby doesn't amount I,
anything Why, the baby is just thu
house and front yard full by itself. Laugh
teri One baby can furnish more bust
ness than you aud your whole Interior
Department can attend to, Laughter.
lie is enterprising, irrepressible, brim full
Of lawless activities. Laughter1 Do
what you please, you can't make him STAY
on the reservation. [Great shouts Suf
6ciant onto tho dav IL ana hahy RI nn.,I