Daily Republican., 1879-04-17
HUMOROUS.

HUMOROUS.
lie Cor rHR SHOw.-An emaciated
individual walked up to a very digni-
fed looking man who was standing at
his gate and said
"Say"
"Don't say me, sir; I'm John
Josephus Mortaunt, late Of Mordaunt
it !"
SIS that so
"Yes sir, that's so," shrieksd J.
J. M.
"Well, then, Pm John James simp-
son, late of the workhouse, and want
to get show to shovel the snow off
your walk"
He got the show.
A Yankee, who had never paid more
than twenty five cents to see an -xhl-
bition, went to New York theatre one
night to see the "Forty Thieves" The
ticket seller charged him seventy five
cents for ticket. Passing the paste
board back, he quietly remarked:
"Keep it, mister: don't want to see
the other thirty-Rine," and ont h.
marched.
An Irishman cnce said to another:
"And ye have takin the teetotal
pledge, have ye - "lndaae | have,
and am not ashamed of it, either"
"And did 10. Paul tell Timothy to
take little wine for his stomach's
sake ?" 80 he did; but my name is
not Timothy, and there is nothing the
matter with my stomach
Witnesses ought to be careful, be-
cause som, lawyers are sharp. "The
| person Saw said one who was in the
midst of the tortures Of cross-examina
tion, twas a man with one eye named
wilkins" "Ah !" retorted the law
yer on the other side" "vill you be-
kind enough to tel! the jury tue name
of the other eye?"
''This is Neptune" said the profess
sor, placing his finger on the outside
ball of the system, "and We are now
two thousand, seven hundred and fifty
millieGs OF miles from the sun" Rheu-
matte student on the hack ssat turns
up his collar and shivers pecoeptibly.
A gentleman travelling on a Hudson
river steamer, one day at dianer was
making away with q large pudding
closs by, when he was told Ivy a ser
want it was "dessert." 'qt matters
not to me-" said he :; 81 would eat it if
it were a Wilderness
Can man belong TO brass band
anS ts a Christian asks an exchange.
We see no impediment in the way, hut
if he is given to practicing at home i.
is an utter improbability fm the man
uext door to be Christian.
"Take your dress to woman, mad
am :" said MoschowitI, the New York
dressmaker, to a lady who suggested
that he might piece sleeve to save her
buying yard Of velvet; "my time is
too valuable to piece sleeves" Adieu.
A young man suffering from heredi-
tary gout said no did not mind the pam
of it SO much, but he .sSid, 'the
thought that some CHI ancestors had
the fun of acquiring this precious heir
locm is what takes hold Of me-"
One of the finest puns was made by
Etskine. Seeing an ~ld tea-chest, he
} wrote on it the Latin inscription, "Tu
doces." This bit of clsssic lore, when
properly translated, means "Thou tea.
chest"
4 law fellow once declared III pub
lie company that he 'oopld not find
bread for his family ''Nor L." re-
piled an industrious mechanic, l am
obliged to work for it,"
al want one of those lcag felt hats,
papa," said little girl to her father.
The ndulgent father for@sed oves the
money, and her head DOW ills the long
felt want.
There ia only one thing that is Enore
wearing and distressing to Il man than
having to wait for the traiR, and that
is vixen the train hasn't waited for
him.
The proprietor of a bone factory an
nounoes that persons Leaving their
bones with him can have them ground
at short notice.
I A correspondent of the Boston "rran~
script" suggests the following change
in familiar limo:
4Men must WORK. and women must walk"
"Of two evils always choose the
least" said the girl, who tilted the
prenadier and married dwarf.
A prim spinster found fault with
Niagara because there was too much
gush about the cataract.
..When music, heavenly maid, was
; young" spring poets lef: their harps
unstrung.
A man is not always upright who has
been brought up right.
The chap who lost his opportunity
has recovered his reason.