The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1879-01-18

VARIETY.

VARIETY.
The Boston Post heard Mr. Kearney whisper
not long since, .' Westward the star Of vampire
takes It's way
-" Dipped into a weak solution Of accom-
plIshments, f" Is the term now applied to those OF
our girls protesting to be 80 highly educated
Adam had one consolation when ne fell, fifteen
or twenty acquaintances didn't stand on the Op-
posite corner and laugh at his mishaP.
A Dutchman was about 10 make q journey to
his fatherland and wishing to say 4" gOOd-by -
10 a friend, extended his hand and said ." Veil,
Of d0nd come back, hullO."
An honest old farmer, on being informed the
other day that one OF his neighbors owed him
grudge, grOwled out; 80 No matter; he never
pays anything
"A subscriber 10 a Southwestern newspaper
died recently, leaving four years subscription
unpaid. The editor appeared ct the grave and
deposited in the coffin n palm-leaf fan, linen
coat and thermometer. lie evidently thought
II was going to be very warm for the delinquent,
The Louisville Colpier-J0uHal's definition Of
q vagrant Is % imhecunious cuss, born tired to
whom labor not involving the nocturnal depOpu-
Iltion Of hen house il an untried experiment,
and money q mere myth, and who, with an incur
able mania for doing nothing, always has nothing
10 do but does nothing, being too lazy to do even
that
A coIored preacher remarked - When God
made Ie fust man lie set him up agin de fence 10
drv'' % Who made de fence p interrupted an
eager listener. - Put dat man Out!" exclaimed
the eoIored preacher. - such questions as dat'd
destroy all de theology in de world"
Already mas the torpedo coffin been invented.
You haze only to order yourself buried IN one of
these Ingenious cOntriyanccs 10 bid defiance TO
body tlieves. Tho slightest disarrangement Of
the lid blows the burglar heavenward and you
in the opposite direction. No corpse should be
without torpedo
Louisville COErieT-JJurHGI :-'' When Satan
took Simon Cameron up into the Allegheny
Mountains and offered him the State Of Pennsyl-
vania, Simon took the Old Boy at his word.
Ever since the State Of Pennsylvania has been in
the Cameron family"
Rome SentineE-ss The question which now
agitates the mind OF the young man Of the period
Is whether he will buy amethyst ring worth
81 rs for a Christmas present for his best girl
or put her Of with fifteen cent diary for 1879.
The present outlook is favorable to the diary
At the funeral Of 4 once famous actor in New
York, some time ago, considerable delay was oeca-
stoned By the fact that the coffin would not ht IN
the sides OF the hearse. Another hearse was
brought, arI brother actor remarked, ''YOu
might know this was poor B-'s funeral. He
was always late at rehearsal"
The old negress had a philOsophic brain and
saw far into the significance Of this enlightened
nineteenth century who said, when some one ask
ed her 10 define rogue:-'A rogue! Wy, bress
you, my chin, q rogue is q man who steals jest
like other folks till he gifts kotched, an dc mint
he gifts kOtched he's rogue
Johnny All Yu, blushing Chinese damsel,
alleged to be the wife Of QuOng Ben, Of SacTa-
mento, recently eloped with Me Sing to San
Francisco. She was returned to Sacramento on
a fictitious charge OF burglary and her husband
a..IN har N nF for he
paltry sum Of $3.50
darlington HaiUkeye .-s' An indignant CORES
roDdent writes TO say that the newspapers are
badly mistaken IL they think Mr.. Kearney is a
useless man. We never said he was. We have
always maintained that Mr.. kearney could be of
the greatest use If his abilities were properly APP
piled We think he would make good mulehing
tor young fruit trees. ...
Above all things in this world" said a
youth who stands on street corners for q living
:. do value the love Of my dear, good mother. -
God bless you, young man, for those noble SEN
timents,' said a missionary g Having so much
resuect and love for mother, you need no other
Recommendation to successful men, WHO will aid
YOU" YES" continued the young man,
. mother feeds me, clothes me and does my
washing and has been doing it for twenty years.
I don't know what should do without her"
A policeman was just in time to prevent 4
moor fellow from blowing out his brains The
self Times are so hard 80 - But lust think {:
were you to kill yourself now what resource
would you have left to yourself when times be-
come worse ?" - Well, now, really you are
right I think Ill follow your advice and hold
nv trump mean my pistOl-until then
Neal Dow, the great temperance refOrmer Of
Maine had q narrow escape the other day. For
n whole generation he has been regarded
consistent teetOtalleI. But q tramp sOlemnly
swore that be and Neal Dow stood at the same
counter and imbIbed brandy and water. Things
I1oked n little serious for while, and the TEN
perancc folk in that far-0f region felt that even
the greatest OF Us will once IN a while have fall
The tramp, however, on the crOss-examination
explained that he drank the brandy and Neal
Dow the water, and the whole state Of Main
breatbed faeelY once more.
What i commonly known IN good society a.
popping the question" Is proceeded with IN
large variety Ci ways, according % Temperament
and opportunity. sometimes it seems to be very
easy Of accomplishment, and then again very difi
cult. The shadow Of cypress tree or a moon
light walk or sleigh ride Is eagerly seized bI
lovers as afording them the chance to get Oye
their tremulOus uncertainty. The ScOtchman'
method, however. was more unique than any W
have heard OF. The kirk was out and he said
MARY, wad ye tax a turn?' They wake,
through tie graveyard, Inspecting the various in
seriptiOns until at last they stood BY the 10
where Sandy's family was buried He took he
hand in bis and said, My fOwk lie there, Mary
wad We like TO lie there yers5. p She concludes
that IL was as good 4 resting place any and S
married into she family, and in due time wa
buried among Sandy i0wk ~