Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1879-10-17

An Irish gentleman having purchased
an alarm-clock, an Acquaintance asked
him what he intended to do with it
'Och," answered he, "shure I've nothin
to do but pull the string and wake me.
self"
"What did you do thenT' asked Col
George, after badgering q witness in the
Lowell railroad case, at Salem. "I went
to the rescue like lawyer for a mans
pocket-book," replied the witness, and
the retOrt was enjoyed all around.
The day before Turkish girl is mar
ried she is taken to the bath by her lady
| friends, and Jumps of sugar are broken
over her head as a forecast of the sweets
of matrimony. A year or so afterward
her husband breaks the whole sugar
bowl over her head.
One of the saddest hngual mistakes
on record occurred q few evenings ago
in local prayer meeting. The bulk of
/ the audience consisted of elderly fe-
males. A worthy printer, with more
faith than oral rhetoric, arose to speak,
with the remark that he probably could
not do as well "as the old hands about
him." The elderly females, being hard
of hearing, understood him to say "old
hens" and he was promptly hustled out.
We can readily believe this story, which
is told by an exchange, except where it
is stated that the party at the prayer
meeting was a printer.
Prot. Lockyer thinks that human life
on the planet Mars may be very much
| like human life on the earth. Although
the light cannot be so bright, yet the or
Eans of sight of the inhabitants may be
80 much more susceptible as to make
their vision quite as good as ours. Prob
ably the heat on Mars is less than on the
earth, as the polar SHOWS extend further
toward the equator, but it is by no
means in proportion to the lessened
power Of the solar rays. Several remark
able seas are now definable in the south
ern hemisphere, where, as in the case of
the southern hemispnere of the earth,
water covers a much larger area than in
the northern hemisphere. One of the
southern seas of Mars is very like the
Baltic in outline. Another sea near the
equator is one thousand miles in length
and about one hundred in breadth-a
long, struggling body of water, pretty
much the shape of the letter S laid on
its back, stretching from east to west.
The pope, Roman gossips say, is super
stitious. Just before Cardinal Asquini's
death, as Leo XIII was about to eat an
egg, he bade Commander Sterbini to
bring him the salt, and the attendant
let slip the silver tray which fell to the
floor, spilling the salt-cellar's contents on
the table. The pope looked carefully to
see if any of the grains had reached the
floor, exclaiming, "Only see; the salt is
upset, and had it fallen on the ground I
believe 1 should not have gotten over to-
day" He took out a pocket-book and
noted the fact, observing at the same
time, "we shall see if we shall not have
the loss of some beloved cardinal to de-
plore before long, Soon after Cardinal
Asquini died, and his holiness showed
the entry to Sterbini, remarking as he
did so, "Had the salt been scattered on
the floor instead of upon the table, as
was the case, verify 1 believe I should
be standing now before the judgment
seat"
A negro was fishing in the -Patauna
creek, when he hung a huge turtle in
the mouth with small perch hook. He
managed to raise the turtles head partly
out of the water, and held him In that
position with his mouth wide open, IN
til several gallons of water had run down
his throat. The turtle then dropped his
head over to one side, and the negro,
thinking he had drowned it, jumped in
to the creek. He caught the turtle by
the tail, put it between his teeth, and
held on to it while he cut a slit in two
of the feet for hand holds. He then
started for the bank, bnt found it Sc
we're struggle, as the turtle would hold
to roots and branches of trees in the
creek. The negro finally got the turtle
on its back and pushed it out of the wa
ter. The turtle weighed seventy seven
pounds, and had head that measured
seven and a half inches across the top.
DR.. Hale of Chicago, taking as his stext
the case of a woman who was run over
on the street and killed, because she
drew back after starting to cross ahead
of pair of horses, says that he is sur
prised that more women are not hurt in
the same way. "a woman starts to cross
the street" he says, and when she gets
one-third or half way over she sees a
team approaching; the driver in nearly
every instance watches her movements,
and seeks to drive in behind her. If
she keeps on her way, all is well. If she
only stands still she is perfectly safe.
But here comes in the strange and fatal
fdiosyncracy of her sex. Just as the
driver thinks he can safely drive behind
her, she stops, starts back a few steps,
and, unless the driver is prompt, and
draws his horse back on his launches,
the woman is under his feet, or knocked
down"
There is no doubt that health is more
general, and the average of life is long
er, in rural districts where due attention
is paid to the laws of physiology, than is
found elsewhere, owing, probably, to
simpler habits of living, comparative
freedom from anxiety incidental to trade
and the diversity of exercise, that gives
uniform action to the muscles. And as
for rational enjoyment, farmer with a
grateful heart, a generous soul, a neigh
borly spirit and will to use life as his
Creator intended, may have all that can
be realized on earth. And how suggest
i've of better thoughts, of flial rever-
ence, of holy aspirations, is his calling!
At every step in all the wide universe
around, he beholds the traces Of benig-
nant Providence, the manifestations Of
merciful Father.
TAKING CoLD.-When a person begins
TO shiver, the blood is receding from the
surface; congestion to greater or less
extent, has already taken place, to
be followed by fever, Inflammation of
the lungs, neuralgia, rheumatism, etc.
All these evils can be avoided and the
cold expelled by walking, or in some ex-
erclse that will produce prompt and
decided reaction in the system. The
exercise should be sufficient to produce
persplration. If you are so situated that
you can get glass of hot water to drink,
it will materially aid the perspiration.
and every way assist nature in her ef-
forts to remove the cold. This course
followed your cold is at an end, and
whatever disease it would ultimate in is
avoided your sufferings are prevented
and your doctors bill saved.
CORRUPT RUssIANs.-The revelations
of corruption among Russian military
officials are interesting. About $S,000,OO0
were stolen in the contracts for a sup
ply of commissariat carts which were
never produced. In 1877 one contractor
was ordered to find seven thousand wag-
ons. The Bessarabian peasants offered
to furnish them at two roubles-almost
S1.5O-a day, but the army officials
wanted wagons with iron axles, which
II l. l. Go