The spirit of democracy. [volume] (Woodsfield, Ohio) 1844-1994, 1879-12-02
MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.


MARK TWAIN ON BABIES.
His Serious Talk to the Soldiers Of
the Army Of the Tennessee.
/. CHICAGO, Nov. 13.-Mark Twain's re-
marks at the banquet Of the Army OF
the Tennessee tonight we're in response
to the following toast::
The Babies: As they comfort Us in
our sorrows, let rs not forget them in
our festivities.
Now, that's something like. We
haven't all had the good fortune 70 be
ladies; We haven't all been generals, or
poets, or statesmen; but when the toast
works down to the babies, We stand on
common ground-for we've all been ba-
bies. 1t is shame that for q thousand
years the worlds bapquets have utterly
ignored the baby-as Il he didn't
amount to anything! II You. gentle,
men, will stop and think a minute-if
you will 60 back fifty or a hundred
years, to your early married life, and re-
contemplate your first baby, you will re-
member that he amounted to q good
desl-and even something over.
You soldiers all know that when that
little fellow arrived at family headquar-
ters you had to hand in your resigna-
ton. He took entire command. You
became his lackey, his mere bodyguard /;
and you had to stand around, too. He
was not a commander who made allow
ances for time, distance, weather, or
anything else; you had to execute his
order whether it was possible or not
And there was only one form of march.
ing in his manual of tactics, and that
was the double.quick. He treated you
with every sort Of insolence and disre-
spect, and the bravest of you didn't dare
to say word. You could face the death
storm OF Donelson and Vicksburg, and
give back blow for blow; but when he
clawed your whiskers, and pulled your
hair, and twisted your nose, You had to
take it. When the thunders OF war we're
sounding in your ears, you set your fa-
ces toward the batteries and advanced
with steady tread but when he turned
on the terrors OF his war-whoop you
advanced in-the other direction, and
mighty glad Of the chance, too. When
he called for soothing syrup, did you
venture to throw out any side remarks
about certain services being unbecom.
ing an officer and gentleman2 No;
you got up and got 1t! II he ordered
his pap bottle, and 1t wasn't warm, did
you talk back3 Not you; you went to
work and warmed it. You even descen.
ded so far in your menial office as to
take suck at that warm, insipld stuff
yourself to see il it was right!-three
parts water to one of milk, q touch Of
sugar to modify the collie, and drop of
to kill those immortal hic-
coughs. can taste that stuff yet.
And how many things You learned as
you went along! Sentimental young
folks still take stock in that beautiful
old saying that when the baby smiles in
bis sleep it is because the angels are
whispering to him. Very pretty, but
"too thin"-simply wind ON the stomach,
my friends. II the baby proposed to
take q walk at his usual hour-half-past
2 10 the morning-didn't you rise up
promptly and remark with mental ad-
dition which wouldn't improve Sunday
school much) that that was the very
thing you were about to propose your
self2 Oh, you we're under good disci-
pline. And as you went futtering up
and down the room in your "undress
uniform" you not only prattled undig.
nified baby talk, but even tuned up your
martial voices and tried to sing, "Rock-
ably baby on the tree top" for instance.
What q spectacle for an army Of the!
Tennessee! And what an affection for
the neighbors, too, for 1t isn't everybody
within mile around that likes military
music at in the morning. And when
you had been keeping this sort OF thing
up two or three hours, and your little
velvet head intimated that nothing suit
ed him like exercise and noise, and pro-
posed to fight it out on that line II it
took all night-"Go on! What did you
do2" You simply went on till yoaI
dropped in the last ditch.
! like the idea that baby doesn't
amount to anything. Why, one baby
is just house and front yard full by
itself; one baby can furnish more busi-
ness than you and your whole interior
department Can attend to; he is enter
prising, irrepressible, brimful Of lawless
activities-do what you please you cant
make him stay on the reservation. Sufi-
cient unto the day is one baby. As
long as you are in your right mind don't
you ever gray for twins. Twins amount
to permanent riot; and there amt any
real difference between trlplets and an
insurrectiop.
Among the three or four million era
dies now rocking in the land are some
which this nation would preserve for
ages as sacred things II we could know
which ones they are. For in one Of
these cradles the unconscious Farragut
of the future is at this moment teething
Think of it! and putting in word Of
dead earnest, unarticulated, but perfect
ly justifable, profanity over It, too; In
another the future renowned astrono-
mer is blinking at the shining Milky
Way, with but q languid interest, poor
little chap, and wondering what has be-
come Of that other one they call the wet
nurse ; in another, the future great his