Public ledger. [volume] (Memphis, Tenn.) 1865-1893, 1879-03-18
A MODEL WIFE.
. Woman Who Was Never at Home, or
Scarcely Ever.

door-bell the other day, Mr.. Bird
himself opened the door. Mr.. Bird
had the baby upon his arm, and there
were four other children at his heels.
Is the lady of the house in p"
asked the peddler.
Certainly she isn't" replied Bird.
She is out. She is perennialIy and
~eternally outl"
Where can | see her ?"
Why, go down to the Woman
Suffrage Club-rOom and if she isn't
there, go to the Society for the Pre-
y%ention Of Cruelty to Animals and if
she isn't there, visit the hall of the
Association for Alternating the Mis-
cries of the Senegambians and if she
has finished up there, look for her at
the Church Aid Society. or at the
Ninth Ward Soup-house, or the Home
Of the One legged, or at the Refuge
for lnfrm Dogs, or at the Hospital
for the Asthmatic, or at the St. Poly
carp Orphan Asylum, or at some of
these places. Ifyou get on her track,
you'll see more pauper and strong
minded women and underclothing for
the heather than you ever saw in the
whole course ofyour life"
| wanted to sell her a cold-hand-
ed tiatiron, just out. Do you think
she will buy one?"
She will if you can prove that the
naked cannibals in Senegambia are
yearning for cOld-handed Aatirons.
She would buy diamond breastpins
for those niggers, if they wanted
them, | believe"
intended, also, to offer her a new
kind ofimmOvable hairpin, which"
All right. You just 60 down to
the Home for the One legged. and
persuade those cripples to cry for i'm
movable hairpins, and she'll order
them by the ton"
Has she any children ?"
Well, I'm the one that appears to
have EN- just now, anyhow
Because l have a gum-top for n
feeding-bottle that is the incest thing
you ever saw"
Now, said Mr.. Bird, I'm tell
you what you do. You get those
paupers to swear they can't eat the
soup they get at the soup-house with
spoons, they must have it from bottles
with a rubber muEzle, and Mrs. Bird
will keep, you SO busy supplying the
demand that you won't have a chance
to sleep. You just try il. Buy up the
paupersl Bride EN-
How'll | know her if | see her. p"
Why, she's a large woman with a
bent nose, and she talks all the time.
You'll hear her talking as soon as YOU
get within a mile of her. She'll ask
you to subscribe to the Senegambian
fund and 10 the Asthmatic ASYLUM
before you a get your breath. Prob
ably she'll read you four or FIVE letters
from reformed cannibals. But don't
you mind EN-. Ny opinion is she
wrote 'emherself, II don't make any
difference, But you might mention
that since she left home the baby has
had four fits, johnny has fallen out of
the pear tree and cracked his skull.
Mary and Jim both have something
like Group, and Tommy has been Bit
ten by Jones dog. 1t won't excite
her. She won't care a cent, but IA
like her to have the latest news, Tell
her If she can manage 10 dron in here
for a minute between now and the
Fourth Of July, she might maybe wash
the baby, and give the other children
a chance to remember how she looks.
But she needn't come if it will inter-
tere with the happiness of the one
legged mendjeaRts, or make her asth-
matte PATIENTS miserable. Mind and
mention il TO her now, will you?"
II will"
All right, then, I'll 20 in and nut
some fresh sticking-plaster on John
ny's skull"
And with baby singing a vociferous
solo, and the other children clingine
TO his leg, Mr.. Bird retreated, and
shut the door. The peddler had de-
termined 80 propose ~ a girl that
night. He changed his mind, and re-
solved 10 remain a bachelor.