Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1878-05-14


Most crooked of the human
To show him how much crooked stuff
He'd always find in woman.
FUNNY GRAPHS.
Natural slippers Eels.
Open order-"Six on the half she'll"
Good bread is often too much kneaded.
Hush money-The price of family
cradle. .ii-a
Two heads are better than one-in
barrel.
A legal-tender-The COURTROOM door
keeper. '-,
Is it murder to drown your sorrows or
kill time?
Matchless maid-The kitchen girl out
of lucifers.
Never waste your time; waste some
body else's.
You can't take trick with the
trump of fame
When the day "breaks" what be :
comes of the fragments?
Many ''play the knave' without ever
coming to the card table.
Why is the letter A like honey
suckle? Because B follows it.
1.-THE man who t'retraced'', the past is
supposed to be harness maker.
When the thermometer falls, how Of
ten on an average does it break? u
We should like to know how many
spokes there are in the wheel of fortune.
"A Dutchman being informed that a
certain painting was by Blerstadt, in
quired, "Who's beers dat ?" ~
Mrs. Darlington says that she was elu-
cidated on last Sunday on hearing fine
discourse on the parody of the prodig-
iOus son.
The difference between the street ped
oilers of japanese tops and the lilies OF
the field is, that the former both toll and
spin, and the latter don't. "a
How foolish it is, says the philosopher
of the Detroit Free Press, to make hay
while the sun shines. It is much nicer
to pitch it around on cloudy day.
A musical sociable is an entertain
ment where one poor person plays on an
unoffending piano while all other peo7
pie present sit around and talk.-Sdsa
antonio Herald.
When man nearly breaks his neck
trying to get out of the way of a eight
ming bug" surprising it to be the head
light of locomotive, it is time for him
to sign the pledge. .s.
IA speech that was thick With the
dust of travel" is the way an exchange
ronantically expresses it. We think
that speech must have come from the
tongue of wagon.-Boston Com. B,A.
When a man who hits his thumb in
stead of the tack with his hammer re-
trains from using ''the plain language
it is good evidence of a thorough con-
version. The natural man" cannot
= accomplish such feat.
A modest individual, writing to his
physician for aaSremedy for boils, negl
lected to locate them, but incidentally
remarked that if there was one person
in the world he envied at the present
writing it was Sitting Bull.-Boston
:. Bulletin.
At one of the schools in Cornwall
England, the inspector asked the chill
dren if they could quote any text OF
Scripture which forbade a man having
two wives. One of the children sagely
quoted in reply the text, mo man car
serve two masters"
A cautious man may seek recreation
in toying with the hind hoof of the abb
rupt mule, but only the most reckless
cuss will follow within couple rods Of
the agile young woman who kicks hel
train into the air and catches it on thu
fly Worcester Press.
A correspondent of the Home Jossr,sd
speaks of the mauvaise honte of many
young Englishmen in the presence ol
ladies. Yause! we've observed that
feature in the Saxon character. "Don't
you daunce, Chawles ?" "Ah-no-
thanks-that is-a-it's a bow, and ]
nevah know exactly what to-a-say t6
the gairls. Com Adv.
The Lime-Kiln Club being notified
by billet doalr and small boy that War.
saw Holdback, ESQ.,, of Boston, was
waiting in the ante-room to be intro
duced, the President said: .-
de Secretary, accompanied by. Dc
Ba'rtrap man on de left an de Treasurer
on de right, wild Sir Isaac Walpole fotch'
in up de rear, will purceed to de aunty.
. room, greet de gem Ian in de latest Par
is style, an tote him in" n1e a1lloJ
He was teted. He had come prepared
to make speech, and, after shaking
hands. all around and euIogizing Para
disc Hall in the warmest terms he
mounted the platform and began:
"Gem'1en, de fact dat de mawnin' pa
pers will probably come eout to morrow
wild de announcement dat hez arrove
in Detroit from Bosting, leads me to in
fuence q few digestive remarks on de
press of America. What am de moose
paper? 1t am de connect'n link be-
tween de cradle an de grave-happi-
ness and grief-de rich man wild his mint
jnlep an de poor man with his sarsypa-
rilla pop. DE noosepaper am daily
picture of public events. On one page
we kin find de fack dat de Duke of Der
by hez resigned, an on de odder de in
fOrmashun dat carbOlic acid an beeswaX
am good for sore heel. If you want to
buy farm, look in de noOsepaper If
noOsepaper. If you want to see who
am dead, who has jumped into Canady
wild stake, or who frew his wife down
stairs in de solemness Of midnight, look
in de noosepaper De influence of de
press can't be figgered by de squar' foot.
It is allus in bud-allus reddy for pick
in an servin' up hot. Sum folks am
allus sayin' dat de editor lodges de truff
an put in de biggest kim O. falsehoods.
Doan you believe it! Oar he sOts, four
pencils in dis hand an heap o. paper
in de odder; an dar's sorrow on bis
brow an sadness in his soul ez he dashes
of de war news, strings out de family
fights, condenses de bank failures, and
starts off de dog show wild big D.
Bless de editor; long live de effGlgent
noosepaper! Furder remarks will now
be poneposted to de fucher-ad H6itaana,
cum dig, 230rley 900 sin2ilib,ts ~
The speech was hit. After the meet
ng closed most of the members shook
hands again with Mr.. Hoidback and
warmly congratulated him, and fsae Rev.
Penstock was heard observing:
Dem sllver-plated 'spreshuns seemed
to roll off his tongue widout de least
movement of his -blades.n-
Free Press.