The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1878-01-03
Wit and HumOr.


can pull a load of a thousand pounds,
and all the care they need is pail of wa
ter, two or three old bones and a hod of
brick. Send in your orders early.-Free
Press.
A RAILROAD conductor and trackman
were shaving words with each other,
and the conductor said: "An express
train is rather faster than you are, my
man." ayes, but it can't stop work as
sudden" was the trackman's reply.
A MINISTER in the vicinity of Perth,
after expressing the prayers of his con-
gregation for "the noble family who has
lately come to reside amongst us" QUAINT
ly added to the petition, "Lest there
should be any mistaken tits the Earl of Kin
noul mean"
AN old bachelor was counting widow,
and both sought the aid of art to give to
their fading hair darker shade. "That's
going to be an affectionate couple" said
a wag. allow so!" asked friend. "Why,
don't you see that they are dyeing for
each other already9"
THE clerk of the criminal court hav-
ing read the indictment of prisoner for
horse-stealing, said to him: "Guilty,
or not guilty?" "Wal," he responded,
"I'm guilty fast enough, but then l want
to be tried just the same, specially as l
see several of our boys on the jury"
SECRETARY EvARTs told friend the
other day-thus records letter in The
ter from one of his daughters to this eff
feet "Dear papa: Thank you very kind
ly for the donkey you sent me, but he's
so lonely. Won't you soon be home,
papar
"PACK me up one or two nice books to
read" said Mrs. Jones to her husband
just before starting on a journey to the
country. Jones did so, and the disgust
which Mrs. j. felt cannot be described
when she took out from the satchel to
read on the cars BARNES Notes on Mat
thew" "Cicero's Tusculan Disputations,"
a copy of 'Livy," with notes, and cook
book.
A MAN picked up purse in the street,
and advertised the fact. In ten days he
was visited by sixty-one men, women,
boys and girls, all claiming to have lost
money. The sum was but $l1, but of
each visitor who called the finder asked ::
$50 you lost $50, did youl" Nine-tenths
of the applicants promptly replied, Yes,
SIR" "Ah," said he, 'yours was another
purse"
THE other day the Right Rev. Monsig-
nor Fisher was examining class of boys
in the Catholic catechism, at the Holy
Cross schools, Fonsenoy street. He put
the question, "How did the Lord punish
Adam for his disobedience in the Garden
of Edenl" A smart urchin replied,
"Pease, sir, he turned him out of the
garden, took rib from his body and
with it made q wife for him."
A BOY came along to one of our neigh
bors' houses holding very dirty
dog, and asked the gentleman of the
house: "Don't you want to buy dog,
Misterl' "What kind Of dog is it"
asked the gentleman. The boy looked
puzzled. "Well," said he, "it is part ter
rier." "And what is the restl" asked the
gentleman. "The rest" answered the
boy, "why, the rest is-is-just dog"
THEY once had man in Yorkshire who
thought he could preach; he went to the
preacher in charge of the circuit and told
Hiiu Tue Dulutu Vi MS lulhu. iic was given
opportunity in certain schoolhouse. His
text was II am the light of the world"
but he made dreadful fist of it, greatly
to the Indignation of an old lady, who in
her impotence at last shouted out: "1t
thou's the light of the world, thee needs
shutting"
DURING the cross-eyamination of the
plaintiff, the following pointed colloquy
took place between him and the defend
ants attorney: "Were you ever in AL
banyl" "Yes, SIR" How long were
you therea" "Six months, SIR" "Were
you in the penitentiary at the time"
"Yes, sir; but never was in the Assem-
bly,, sir" The rejoinder was enjoyed by
the spectators, who remembered that the
attorney did once occupy seat in the
house, the court officers slaves vainly
beat for order for several minutes.
A coUNTRyMAN, paying his first visit to
Glasgow, met with particular attention
from friend, who accompanied him dur
ing the day to the various curiosities Of
the city. In the evening he took him to
the theatre. Andrew had never seen a
play, and had no idea of the sort of enter
tainment to be got there. They had not
been long seated before the curtain rose,
and the first scene commenced with the
uproar of domestic squabble. From
swords they came to blows" and confu-
sion rioted on the stage. While the bat