The Carbon advocate. [volume] (Lehighton, Pa.) 1872-1924, 1878-11-09
HUMOROUS.
"A fiirt-" Sofa and no iather.o


Pulling a husbands hair and leaving
him unprotected at the polls, is known to
jurists as wiramy.
"A Kentucky woman has married a Mr..
Calico-has welded prints, as it were.
TO cure a eough-First catch your cough,
then salt 1t and smoke it, and hang it up to
dr..
1t cost MADAME 'Thiers 100000 to bury
her husband. Shedding rhiers is an cx-
pensive luxury in FrsAce.
Orc ofthe clcverc5t OF Artemus Wards
sayings was with reference to the Mormons:
"Their religion is singular, bat their wives
are plural"
The drowsy, innocent Wasp comes in
doors these fine, cold aGtamn days. He is
no aristocrab, this wasp he picks you up
with one tine of his fork.
Cider may be good temperance drink,
but can manige to get SO drunk on it that
kant tell one ov the ten commandments
from a bylaw ov baseball club
AN advertisement in daily at our elbow
says there is ga piano for sale belonging toa
lady about to depart for Europe with modern
legs" Modern? All, padded?
-" What is your son doing in the battle
oflife ?" asked the Christian Helper. Well,
he appears to be drawing rations most of the
time, just at present, thank you.
-ox-tail soup is an old thing, but now
some genius of the kitchen has discovered
way of making broth out of cows horns.
This comes about as near to make both ends
meat, perhaps, as it is possible for any but
Edison to do.
--Business-like wife to her busy husband
-" I'm sure you charge too much for your
pictures, my love, beautiful as they are. If
you were to ask a quarter the price, you
would sell twice as many"
How beautiful and affecting is the sight,
and what volume does itspeak vfman's love
for women, to see n husband and wife at
this time of the year tossing a copper to see
who shall get up first this winter and kindle
the fires.
When the belated Christian, with face
like a stubble-feld, rushed wildly through
the streets last Sunday morning,only to find
all the barber shops closed, it was then that
he exclaimed: "What shall do to be
shaved ?"
What a beautiful example of simplicity
in dress is shown some of the followers of
fashion by that domestic animal, the cat,
which rises in the morning, washes its face
with its right hand, gives its tail three jerks,
and is ready dressed for the day.
One of the greatest needsofthis country
is vest pocket deep enough to take the
whole length of the extra cigar, so that
man can look his fellow square in the eye
and say, "No. I'm sorry; but this is the
lOst,and l have already had it in my mouth"
The Boston Transcript asks this simple
question: supposing your darling, dimple-
checked, blue-eyed babe could look forward
to the lantern jawed, frowsly headed old
duiIer into which he is to be transmitted in
the crucible of time, think you he would
care to play out his hand?"
Nervous old gentleman TO watchwalier:
"No, none Of them will do. / want watch
that won't 60 tick, tack tick, tack all the
night long. hate to hear a watch tick, for
it keeps me awake" Matchmaker: "Ahl I
see, sir. Youwant one of the silent watches
Of the night don't keep 'em."
"John" writes to ask: How should we
begin the week." We haven't the scriptur-
al regulations handy, but fyour folks wash
on that day, one good way to begin it will
be by getting out of the lSuse before they
discover that the boiler or one of the tubs
leak.
Visitor from the. country, at the door of
southside residence, TO German next
door: "Jane not at home, did you sayl"
German" Nein, Chances nod at home"
Visitor" Where is she?' German-"She's
gone der cemetery down" Visitor "When
will she come back?" German-"Oh, she
won't come back already any more; she's
gone to stayj she's det."
The other day an Irishman was passing
the graveyard, where he saw two men friends
of a countryman who had just died. They
are seeking for burial lot. "Whos dead?"
he asked. "John Leary," was the reply.
When did he die ?" Yesterday" " Well
bedad, he had a foine day for it,"
"A little boy, hearing some one remark
that nothing was quicker than thought, said :.
4" | know something that is quicker than
thought" "What is it, Johnny ?" asked
his pa. Whistling," said Johnny. When
was in school yesterday whistled before
thought, and got liked for it too"
The hardest thing to get a good hold on
your own tongue. Ifyou could only keep
still at the right time you would save your
self manya heartache, 1t is far better to
live in a smoky house, to live on cheese and
garlic, than 10 abide with man or woman
whose tongue is IN perpetual motion.
Don't point your gun at yourself Don't
point your gun any one else Don't carry
your gun so that its range includes all your
hunting companions. Don't try to find out
xtrla hos t. l., IL