Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1878-02-20
HUMOROUS.

TIGHT Doors Il had on new snoes;
Tney were number sevens when !
started, but were no mere tnan mses
now and still diminishing. ~aikeu
two hours in those shoes aIter tnas oe
fore we reached home. DouDtlsss l
could have the readers sympathy Ior
the asking. Many people nave never
had the headache or the tootnache, anu
am one of those myself; Dut every
body has worn tight shoes f0r TWO of
three hours, and known the luxury y,
taking them of in retired place anu
seeing his feet swell up and OBSCURE tle
armament. Few of us will ever forget
the exquisite hour we were married.
Once when l was a callow, oashiui cup,
[ took a plain, unsentimental country
girl to a comedy one night: mao
known her a day; she seemed divine;
7 wore nv new boots. At the end of
the first half hour she said, "Why DO
you fidget so with your feet!- 1 sald,
''Did ~" Then l put my attentloh
there and kept still. AT the emo OF an
other half hour she said, "Why do you
say, Yes, oh, yes and Ho, an, no, GER
tainly, very true! to everything say,
when half the time they are entireiy
irrelevant answers?" l blushed and ex-
planned that had been a little absent.
minded. At the end of another half
hour she said, "Please why do ou grin
so steadfastly at vacancy and yet look so
sad ?" l explained that l always uiu
when | was rejecting. An hour passeu
and then she turned and contemplated
Inc with her earnest eyes and sa'd,
"Why do you cry all the timer ex-
planned that very funny comedies al.
ways made me cry. At last human
nature surrendered and L secretly
slipped my boots off. That was mis-
take; I was not able to get them on any
more. 1t was a rainy night, there were
no Omnibuses going our way, and as
walked home burning up with shame,
with the girl on one arm and my boots
under the other, | was an object worthy
of some compassion, especially IN those
moments of martyrdom when ] had 10
pass through the glare that fell upon
the pavement from street lamps. FINALLY
this child of the forest said. "Where
are your boOts?" and being taken un-
prepared l put fitting finish to the
follies of the evening with the stupid
remark, "The higher classes do not
wear them to the theatre"
WELLER's PHILosOPHY.-"YOu are
quite a philosopher. Sam," said Mr..
Pickwick.
1t runs in the family l b'lieve, sir"
replied Mr.. Weller. MY fathers VERY
much in that line now. Ii my mother
in-law blows him up he whistles. She
flies in passion and breaks his pipe:
he steps out and gets another. Then
she screams VERY loud and falls into
'stericks; and he smokes VERY COM
fortably till she comes to again. That's
philosophy, sir, amt it?"
"a very good substitute for 1t at all
events, replied Mr.. Pickwick, laughing.
"THANK You, l WILL."-''Td like
you to help me little" said a tramp,
poking his head into a country store.
"Why don't you help yourrelfr' said
the proprietor, angrily. "Thank you;
| will," said the tramp, as he picked up
a bottle of whisky and two loaves OF
bread, and disappeared.
A MAN anxious to protect himself
from the frequent and annoying visits
of travelling agents has put fire insur-
ance plate over the door of his house. a
sewing machine in the window, a patent
washing machine on his porch, a patent
hat rack in the hall, and lightning
rod on the roof.
FAMILY YscENE-(Madame talking with
4 friend, her child ing)-Madame;
"Imagine, my dear, the distress I'm in
this summer; l lost my hair" Child
Qnterrupting): .Oh, no! mamma,
know where the hair is you wear; l
saw it in a drawer this morning."
WHAT He MADE.-"I say, Charley,
said one friend to another on meeting,
81 hear our friend Brown has been
dabbling in stocks lately; has he made
anything?"
"Yes," says Charley, "he has made
an assignment"
"AND now, sir, may it please your
honor, L move that the charge brought
against the prisoner for stealing the
pair of pants be non-suited." "Will
the counsel state the ruiingr" "Upon
the ruling, sir, that a whole suit can
not be made from pair of pants"
"DoEs YOUR wife play euchre?"
asked a gentleman of another the other
evening. ''No, but she's a capital poker
player" replied the other, ms'iitatively
feeling for bump on the back of his
head.
al KNOW nothing in the catalogue of
mems duties that would be unable to
perform!" said Lucy Stone. "How
would you figure as the father of
family?" asked man in the gallery.
An EDITOR, speaking of spiritualism,
says: "We don't believe in any medium