The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1878-05-30
Wit and HumOr.

/ A DULL razor and returned CAlifor-
nian are always well-strapped.
THE best way to write spring poetry is
to take an axe and chop wood.
How to make barrel of flour 90
great way: Send it to the starving Chi
| nese.
WHAT is the difference between bar
Der and Insurer. One is shaver of
faces and the other a shaver of notes.
"EcoNoMY is the road to wealth." and
the way can be easily told by the tall
grass which streaks its White
hall Times
The legend runs that st. Louis di-
rectory man never ventures to pass
through Chicago. He always gets out
of the cars and walks around it.
You call that trunk, do you9'
growled. a detected hotel porter. at
only needs lightning conductor to make
it look like boarding house."
OUR new silver dollar contains only
90 cents worth of silver, but the man who
tries to get one for less than 100 cents is
liable to be laughed at.-Boston Traueler
THE ward boundaries of Constantine
pie will have to be drawn in little in
order to get the capital inside the limits
of the new map of Turkey.-Rurlington
Hawheye.
A FLORIDA negro mistook mule for
ghost and poked it with stick. The
verdict recited that he came to his death
by using too short stick in probing the
unknowablc for evidences of future ex-
istcnce.
A Troy man had his boy in the wood
shed and was taking his measure with an
infant sapling. AS he threw away the
CAD, he sarcastically remarked, "Now,
what do you call thatl" Father" said
the boy, lit was very like whale"
"Do you believe in the use of the rod
my dear Professor2' asked lady whose
children were making life a burden to
all the guests in the hotel. I'm some
cases, madam; bu. there are Others"
glancing at her eambolng darlings,
"wherc prefer the revolver"
"WHERE was Bishop Latimer burned
to deathf' asked teacher in a COM
handing voice. Joshua knows" said
a little girl at the bottom of the class.
"Well," said the teacher, elf Joshua
knows, be may tell" "In the fire." re-
piled Joshua, looking very grave and
wise.
THE early strawberry, at a dollar a
quart, puts on aristocratic airs and looks
with scorn and contempt upon hungry
humanity. BY July he will get down
from his lofty eminence and hide himself
between the strata of fifteen cent sala-
ratus short cake, and howl for a Gus
toner.
THE future of the phonograph-Ardent
lover: "You ask for some proof of
my affection, my devotion. What proof
can 1 offer youl Stay! l have it!
am ready to breathe my VOWS into the
Young Lsdy's Best Companion or
Breach Of Promise Self Registering Evil
dence- Phonograph."
THE retort cruel-(Scene-Cheapside)
-Bcggar, following up City Joker: "Oh,
sir, assure you l have eaten nothing
for two whole days. City Joker: Eaten
nothing for two daysl Then, my dear
sir, you should 60 and see doctor at
once. You must want a tonic. '-Funny
FOLKS.
PASCAL, who married ruby haired
girl year ago, returned to his mother
for visit on Sunday, and she discovered
that he had become bald-headed. His
mother attempted to brush few stray
locks over the white spot, but he pa
ticntly said Don't spoil it; that is
where Mary lays down her plan of
battle"
Is duel, in Kentucky, the seconds
loaded the guns with soft soap The
man who won the first shot fired, and
dropped behind log. His antagonist
walked up to him, and putting the muzzle
of his gun near the towards head, pulled
the trigger. The victim, feeling the soap
as he put his hand to his head, ex-
claimed piteously: "Oh, my poor brains
my poor brains,' He never heard the
last of that.
DURING the last rehearsal Of a new
piece at a London theatre, the manager
asked if all the properties were ready.
"Everything have on my list" replied
the property man, with some hesitation,
"is ready, but l have just heard Mr.. X.
ask about the acoustic properties of the
house, and have not yet heard word
about those" "Let them be got at once,
anu h"nS 'Hc cApehsc' cAciaiiueu inc en-
ergetic manager.
THE St. Louis Journal peacefully
pipeth the pleasures of house-cleaning
thus:
1.-The housekeepor giveth a cheerful hop,
And we hear the musical hipperty flop
OF the mostly, misty maddening mop.
And 10, the maddening horrors rush
Athwart our souls at the soapy gush