Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1878-01-18
HITS AND MISSES.
Ipital business lending money.


capital business lending money.
Not plain picture view of the Alps.
Musical execution-hanging upon a note.
The young ladies question Is he married
Difficult man to divorce one welded to his
own ideas.
The most patient objects in the shape of
humanity-statues.
Why is a palm-tree like chronooger be
cause it furnishes dates.
When is man Il four-hmded animal ?
when he doubles up his fists
How to prevent your hair from turning
gray-make up your mind to dye.
When is a dog most like Il human being p
When he is between a man and boy.
The persons who most frequently visit the
wateringplaces in summer are milkmon.
A poor fellow who was compelled to pawn
his watch said that he raised" the money
with lever
When grown-up people predominant at
children's party, the assembly is said to be
badly adult-erated.
Brigham Young's tombstone, it is said will
bear the simple but appropriate inscription,
Our Husband"
Rev. Mr.. Murray when asked what the
chariots such as the kings Of Judah used were
like, said they resembled modern hOrse-cnrs
in one respect, people rode in them stand
ing
Some one wrote to Horace Greeley nquir-
ing if guano was good to put on potatoes.
He said it might do for those whose taste had
become vtiatad with tobacco and rum, but he
preferred gravy and butter.
Sydney Smith said TO a friend of his who
never agreed with anybody, rs he was about
to embark for New Zealand, Goodbye my
dear fellow. | hope you won't disagree with
the New Zealander who eats you"
How dare you say that never open my
mouth without putting my foot in it ~ de
manded Brown of Jones. Il hope You will
forgive me. replied the latter, for, when
said that, | had never seen the SIZE Of your
foot
A dear old lady presented her son, ON his
departure for s. b. with a Bible On opening
it during gall. it fell from his hands, and
out dropped fine tooth comb and the adj
monitory book-mark Search daily"
A Georgia negro has no more faith in hnuks
He lays all his money out in clothes and hair
oil,and the news of bank suspension causes
him to exclaim, Bust away wifi you. but you
can't hurt these lavender brecches.'
An Irishman who had been sick a long
time, was one day met 10y the parish priest.
when the following conversation took place
well. Patrick, am glad you have recover
ed Were you not afraid to meet your God =
"Oh no, your reverence 1t was meeting the
other party that was afeared NV :" replied
Pat
why don't you speak distinctly" cried
passenger to n brakeman who announced the
names of stations in an utterly unintelligible
manner II can't understand Il word YOU
say What's that to me = responded tn
l,..1 1 -.
clear tenor at $50 a month, do you:'
Mamma, where do the cows get the
milk :" asked Willie looking up from the
foamng pan Of milk which he had been in
tently regarding. Where do you get your
tears = was the answer After thoughtful
silence he again broke out Mamma do
the cows have to be spanked"
Mamma, where do people so when they
die =" MY dear, ! can't tell you Just where.
but don't you know - How can know.
Nellie Mamma has never died" ''Of course
not but haven't you studied geography :"
Nellie has four-years-old sister. Mary.
who complained to Mamma that her button
shoes" were hurting. why, Matte, you've
put them on the wrong feet Puzzled and
ready to cry. she made answer: "What'll l
do, mamma; Theys all the feet I've got -
Spilkins saw a Jersey Dutchman rowing
II load of potatoes down the Hackensack river
the other afternoon. what kind of a move
ment do you call that :" asked he of a friend,
pointing to the sweep of the oars. The friend
said. "A Murphy movement" No" said
Spilkins, "a row-tater-y one, should call it ="
An old-fashioned minister was preaching in
tight, mventilated church, in which by
some means a window was left partly open.
A good deacon during the sermon closed it.
The minister stopped, and turning to the