St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1878-07-26
Squibs.

SOIntlulD0 new tH6 SOu, says
the Fulton Times.
Joseph Cook lost money in the West,
owing to lack of protOplasm in the
box Office Cincinnati Commercial.
A dogs bark may be worse than his
bite, but we prefer the bark.-Puck.
1t is now proposed to call the Peli-
can state Observation-Disclosures
Herald.
The umbrella was invented during
David's rain. 1t was successfully used
as arrySaul.
1t was about this time of year when
the little boy expressed the wish that
he was built like hen coop, out of
laths, so that the breeze could blow
right through him.
Somebody wants Edison to invent
strawberry box that will hold a quart.
1t seems simple, but it has never been
done.
The difference between perseverance
and obstinacy is, that one often comes
from a strong will, and the other from
a strong won't.
''Sam, you are not honest. Why do
you put all the good peaches on top of
the measure and the little ones below 2"
"Same reason, sab, dat makes de front
of your house all marble, and de back
gate chiefly slop bar'l, sah."
aye men of science" said the Dean of
Chichester, in a recent sermon at Ok
ford, "leave my ancestors in Paradise,
and do not grudge you yours in the
Geological Gardens"
Two Germans met in San Francisco
recently. After affectionate greeting
the following dialogue ensued: ''Fen
you said you hef arrived ?" "Yester-
day" ''You came dot Horn around ?"
mo" "Oh see; you came dot 18TH
mus across 2" "No." "Oh den you
come dot land over ?" "No." 'Den
you hef not arrived 2" "Oh, yes | hef
arrived. / come dot Mexico through"
A party taking dinner at cheap
restaurant, few days since, found the
poultry rather tough. One genius, af-
ter exercising his ingenuity to no effect
in trying to dissect an old fowl, turned
to the waiter and asked: "Have you
such thing as powder flask ?" 'FNO,
sir, we have not do you want one 2n
''Why, yes; L think the shortest way
would be to blow this old rooster upl"
The day is not far distant, murmurs
the Elko Post, when the housewife will
glance into the woOdshed, and, finding
that the husband has gone off without
splitting the daily allowance of fuel,
will take down the phonograph, howl
into it vOlley of epithets, that will
register 16O pounds pressure to the
square inch on the safety gauge, and
then call out to her boy "Here, John,
60 down town and grind that out to
your lazy old father, and see that you
turn the crank lively, too"
A New Jersey man of an inventive
turn of mind, undertook to accomplish
the Biblical feat of walking on water.
He made two immense India-rubber
shoes inflated with air. Then he went
down to the river, buckled on his air
shoes, and succeeded in walking fifty
yards, and was making bravely for the
opposite shore when he was struck by
a stiff breeze, and lost his balance His
head went down, and his feet remained
above water, and, fifteen minutes after,
a couple of gunners, sighting the huge
shoes, mistOOk them for a couple of
amphibious monsters, and riddled them
with buckshOt. This released the air
and the man disappeared. He was
found two weeks afterwards, but he
was as dead as the late Julius Caesar,
Esq.-NOrristOW Herald.
Mr.. BiIlings-whOse knowledge of
natural history came by instinct-after
mentioning that the hornets disposition
is ga warm cross between red pepper
in the pod and fusil oil, gives his essay
a moral bias by informing the public
that this "infiammable" insect is not
long lived, simply for the reason that
any creature, bug or human, who is
mad all the time and stings every
chance he can get, and plants melan-
choly in his track, "generally dies
young" 1t pays, he thinks, to be more
pensive and much less "peremptory."
In the course of the seasons that time
has arrived when the young man sits
out on the front steps with the idol of
his soul and talks sentimental slush and
thinks he would be in Heaven if he
were married, whereas the girls old
man, who has been married for some
period, brObes around the house with a
kerosene lamp, looking for some cold
grub for his supper, and he smiles
! smile suggestive of sad experience
when he reflects that he was once young
and beautiful himself, and as big fool
as the young man on the stoop.
A well-tO-do resident of the village,
Captain W., wished to employ Caleb to
saw some wood, three cords and half
in all, and promised to pay him fifty
cents day. Caleb owned no saw but
the captain had good one; it was
agreed that Caleb should hire it, and
pay for the use of it at the rate of nine
pence cord. AT early dawn the next
mOrning-it was in July-Caleb was at
work. Those were the days of wide
fire places, and each log needed to be
sawed but once. Before night he had
finished the job, and went into Captain
WIS house to settle. "Let's see,1 said
the captain; "you were to have fiftv
cents day we'll call it a day, though
1t isn't sundOwn yet, that's fiftv cents
for you. And you were to pay me
nlnepeDce a cord for the use of the saw ::
there's forty-three and three quarter
cents due me. | say, Caleb, you don't
seem to have much coming" Caleb
looked dubious. He scratched his head
thoughtfully, but presently a light
seemed to break in upon his mind.
"How unfOrtunit," said he, ''that YOU
did not have half cord more, for then
we could "a come out lust SQUARE w-
Ha'per's Magazine.
A WISE PEDDLER.-A citizen of
Crawford street Yesterday decided to
purchase eight cents worth of Iettuce
OF street peddler, and after getting II
he rendered check on the hank in
payment, saying he had no change.
"Pd rather not take this,n REPLIED the
peddler, as he scrutinized the paper.
/ HWhV ifs q raornl,,, ah