Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1878-06-13
Anmuruus department.
JOSH BILLINGS TO THE GIRLS.


Dear girls, are you in search of husband
That is pumper, and you are not request
ed to say Eyes out loud, but are expekted
tew trow yure eyes down onto the earth as tho
you was looking for pin, and reply tew the
interrogatory with kind of draulin sigh.
Not tew press so tender theme until it
bekums thorn in the flesh, we will presume
(tew avoid argument) that you are on the
lookout for something in the male line. Let
me give you some small chunks of advice
how to spot your future husband:
1. The man who is jellous ov every little
attenshun which you git from some other fel.
ler, yu will find after yu are married to him
he luvs himself more than he does yu, and
what yu mistook for solissitude, you will dis.
cover has changed to Indifference.
Jellosy isn't heart diseze, it is liver
komplant.
g. A mustash is not indispensable it is on
ly little more hair, and is much like moss
and other excressencies-often do the best on
sile that won't rise any thing else Don't for.
get that those things which you admire in 8
fellow before marriage, you will probably in
husband after, and mustash will get to be
very weak diet after long time
3. If husbands could be took on trial as
Irish cooks are, two thirds ov them would
probably be returned but there don't seem
to be eny law for this. Therefore, girls, ,yu will
see that after yu get man yu have got tew
keep him, even if yu luz on him. Conse-
quently, if yu have emmy kold vittles in the
hous, try him on them once in while dur
ing courting season, and if he swalers them
we'll and sez he will take sum more, he IL a
man who, when blue Monday comes, will
wash well.
Don't marry phellar who is alwus tel
lin how his mother doz things. 1t il two
hard to wean yung one.
5. If man can beat you playing on a
pinnaner, and kant hear fish horn play
ing on the street without turning sum-
merset on account of the musick that IL in
him, I say to leave him he might answer to
tend babe, and if you set him to hoeing out
the garden, you will find you have got to do
it yourself A man whoze whole heft lies in
music, (and not to hefty at that, AIM no
better than a seed-litz powder; but if he luvs
to listen while yu sing some gentle ballad yu
will find him mellow and not soft. But don't
marry ennybody for one virtew emmy quicker
than you would flop man for jist one fault.
g. 1t is one of the most tuffest things for a
female to be an old maid successfully. A
great many has tried it, and made bad job
of it, and had hard time Everybody seems
to look upon old maids jist as they do upon
dried herbs in the garret-handy for sick
ness-and therefore, girls, it amt a mistake
that you shud be willing to swop yourself oph
with some true-hearted phellow, for hus'
band. The swop il good one but don't
swop for any man who il respectable jist be-
cause his father IL. You had better be an
old maid for four-thousand years and then
join the Shakers than tew buy repentance at
this price. No woman ever made this trade
who didn't get either a phool, a mean cuss, or
a clown for husband.
FROM SCIENCE TO "THEoLoGY."- some
times Mr.. Fairs glass is turned upon the sun,
and the intense rays of the latter make TO-
Gus short distance from the end of the tube
which is capable of setting anything combus-
tible on fire. Yesterday Mr.. Fair was exhib-
iting the instrument to some friends, when,
turning his back to it, he remarked:
"Gentlemen, since began my astronomical
duties, contemplating the vast universe, OBJ
serving the sderial movements of the stars,
tho ,Aoons elliptic and the axial rotations of
other orbs, l have been changed man.
What once read in books now know by &C.
$4,000 miles in diameter, over 1858, 900
times the size of the earth, and exceeding the
combined mass Of planets 750 times. Here
the Colonel backed up into the focus Of the
instrument, and a jet of flame rolled up from
his coat-tais. Those present not wishing to
interrupt gentleman when speaking, said
nothing, and the Colonel continued see
spots on this planet over 6,325 miles in diam.
eter from the umbra to the penumbra. What
the DIS the matter with my clothes ?"
Here the flames, getting through the COL
onel's trowsers, forcibly reminded him that
the sun, although millions of miles awaw, ex-
erts powerful influence on infammable
bodies There was a shout of laughter from
the guests, and Mr.. Trite, turning on the
hose, put the fire out. The lecture was not
concluded, but the Colonel says he still thinks
he has the most powerful telescope on the
coast.-( Virginia City (Neu) Chronicle.)
mo MORE SSUES llONS Fun A1lM. uO
Rev. DR.. Ritchie of Edinburgh, although
a very clever man, has met his match.
When examining student as to the classes
he had attended, he said:
"And you attended the class for mathe-
matics?"
Eyes"
"How many sides has circle?"
"Two," said the student.
"What are they?"
What laugh in the class the students an
swer produced. when he said: "An inside
and an outside"
But this is nothing compared with what
followed. The doctor having said to this
student
"And you attended the philosophy class,
also?'
"Yes"
"Well, you would hear lectures on sub
jects. Did you ever hear one on cause and
efect"
"Yes"
"Does an effect ever 60 before cause?
eyes"
"Give me an instance"
"a man wheeling barrow"
The doctor then sat down and proposed no
more questions.
TERRIBLE CRIME OF A BARBER.-Old
Hornbender came in from Saugus the other
day and took a seat in barber shop to
"wait his turn" A couple Of smart
youths began telling stories about terrible
tragedies with BARRIERS as the heroes, evident.
ly to guy the old man. After time old