The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-03-29

Cremation is now one of the rites
of women.
When a man sees his wife she'd
ding q cataract of tears 1t well-Nl-
agaravates him beyond endurance.
1t turns out that q man in Michi-
gan who "lived forty days on wa
ter" had plenty of provisions in
boat all the while he was sailing
around the lake.
II want to die in harness., says
Alexander II. Stevens. 1t will be
little difficult to find harness small
enough for the purpose, but 1t sns IL
be done.
d. Pxrke Washington Curtis
writes some verses and calls them
"a Memery." The fellow is prob
ably endeavoriDg to remember the
rest of his name. But he can't do
IT.
A returned missionary was re-
Gently invited to q party, where all
the ladies appeared 10 low cut dress
es. Said he to his host, 81 don't
mind It at all I've spent ten years
among the snvages."
NO OOOk6 IuAI COllCOb
knowledge into small compass, and
do this wisely and thoroughly, are
the best books In the world. The
same may be said of newspapers.
A shrewd patent medicine man
has been chasing Alexander I'll. Ste
vens around for three months, try
ing to draw Q bead on him with
pocket camera. He wants him for
a preface to his advertisement to IL
Iustrate "before taking"
A candid Kentucky editor advan
ces the suggestion that special tsx
of 81 on each pistol owned in the
State would beat the beil-punch
plan for taxation all hollow. He
wants TO tax 'em by the barrel, in
stead of the drink.
While reading q few chapters in
Noah Webster's entertaining novel,
we learned that when they embalm
a man they fill him up with aromat-
ic spices. Now we know why q
man chews cIoves-he's embalming
himself.
The most enterprising piano man
ufaciurers in this country have al
ready prepared their circulars an
nounciDg that they were awarded
the "first grand prize" at the Paris
Exposition for the best and sweet
est toned Norristown
Herald.
Good clothes make more differ
ence with the worlds opinion than
q good many people are willing to
admit. How do you suppose Sene-
tor Conkling would look climbing
the heights of fame with patch on
his pantaloons 2-Rome Sentinel.
Worth says not one woman in
ten knows how to sit down on q
dress. He means her own, of course.
Any woman can sit down on an
others in a stage or horse car, and
do IL scientifically the first time"
1t is said that q minister's son OF
Waterloo, N. Y, cast a gloom over
an entire church fair by walking up
to the grabbing and prize cake table,
and demanding that the game be
explained to him before he bought
his chips.
One morning after the fall Of
Plevna the London Daily Telegraph
is authoritatively said to have is.
sued an enormous edition of 296, 00C
copies. Lord Beaconsfield has con.
ferred the Order of the Star of In
dia upon the editor, Mr.. Edwin
Arnold.
A little fellow being told by ar
Eldorado young man TO get off hii
knee, that he was too heavy to hole
in that way, made quite q sensation
among the persons present by vel
ling back-"Too heavy, hey? Sistel
Sal weighs hundred pounds more
than ]. and you held her on YOU
knee for four hours last night"
Montana has q population of 80,
900, and not one business failur,
has occurred during the past year
This prosperous showing is due Il
the fact that when q man is on tn
verge of bankruptcy his accommo
dating neighbors take him out ant
hang him TO q tree. Thus bushes
integrity Is encouraged and thrill
lie stimulated.