The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1878-01-17
The King Of Smokers.

A year or two ago there died in Rot
terdam a certain Mynheer Van Klaes, to
whom is certainly due the title of "The
King of Smokers" To gain this dis
tinction in the great nation of buffers
must require almost superhuman powers
and a love for the Indian weed that
passes human understanding. But Van
Klaes was ever superior to the emergency.
1t took no effort on his part to gain the
smoky crown and wear it while he lived.
He did not even die young, as we might
have anticipated from his. ~immoderate
use of the weed, but both enjoyed life
and smoking until he had passed his
eighty-frst birthday.
During the long vista of smoking
years in which he reveled in his pipe,
Van Klaes consumed four tons of to-
bacco, well wetted down by 100000
quarts of ale which he drank-not to
mention Schiedam schnapps and other
national beverages.
In Mynheer's house was a sumptuous
apartment, entirely devoted to pipes and
tobacco. Every variety of fragrant
weed grown on the earth's surface was
to be found there, in the plug, cut up or
shredded; cigars, cigarettes and cigaril-
las were grouped about in tasteful
display. But, above all, Mynheer's
pipes first riveted the visitors eye. In
this choice collection every branch or
variety of the pipe family had its repre-
sentative; one could trace the whole
evolution of the race, from the clumsy
bowl and thick stem of Sir Walter
Raleigh's clay to the lovely carved meer-
schaum from Trebizond.
In this temple of tobacco the veteran
would sit putting prodigious volumes of
smoke from his well-flled pipe, only
pausing now and then to wet his thirsty
lips with a drink of ale. 1t is said that
his last rejecting breath was borne from
his lifeless body on a cloud of fragrant
smoke.
A few hours before his death, Van
Klaes called for a notary to make his
will. Pufing vigorously, and, after
taking a puff at his Schiedam, Mynheer
gave precise directions for the perform
ance of his ~obsequies. In the first place,
his coffin was to be thoroughly lined with
the tops, bottoms and sides of boxes
that had contained his favorite cigars;
then a bladder of the finest dry-cut
Dutch golden leaf was to be placed at
his feet. Most important of all, his
favorite pipe must be laid at his side.
A firm conviction hat his soul was not
going to dwell in those ATTITUDES where
fire is always sure to be close at hand,
caused Mynheer to direct ~hisexecutor to
place a box of matches by his side, and
with great foresight, he also desired that
a flint and steel should be added, as by
some unforeseen occurrence the matches
might dampen before they would be
wanted.
Having thus attended to his personal
wants in the next world, Van Klaes de.
sired that the smokers in the neighbor.
hood should be invited to his funeral,
each one to be presented with ten pounds
of tobacco and two pipes stamped with
the name and arms of Van Klaes, to.
gether with the date of the donors de-
mise. These guests were to be admon'
ished to keep their pipes lighted during
service and to scatter ashes on the coffin
as it twas being consigned to mother earth
The poor Of the vicinity who observed
these instructions faithfully were to be
presented on the anniversary of Myn
heer's death with ten pounds of tobacco
and a irkin of ale apiece. After these
items were arranged to his liking Myn
heer smoked his last breath, constant t.
the last, and certainly deserving to b.
immortalized as the "greatest smoker
since the flood"