The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1878-11-14
PASSING SMILES.

WE read in an exchange of a drunken
laborer who cruelty beat his aged father.
Such laborer is not worthy of his
SIRE Whitehall Times.
WHEN fast young men in Reno get
into dispute instead of resorting to
blows they go into the nearest saloon
and shake dice to see which is the
biggest liar.
| SEE here, waiter, this Goldfish is not
nearly as good as that ate here day be-
fore yesterday" "Dear me dear me
what thing prejudice isl Why, sir,
the piece you are now eating is from the
very same fish,"
SAID Mrs. Fitz-Maurice: "The dear
child is such an ethereal creature, and
so delicate. You will scarcely credit it,
but she lost a hair-pin out of her head
one day last week, and she has had a
frightful cold ever SINCE"
WHEN an editor goes home at nightan
takes down the big Bible to read dozen
chapters or SO, one of the command
ments in the book is liable to become a
triae warped when he finds a lot of au-
tumn leaves scattered throughout the
work.
DOCTOR X. is man of inferior abil-
ity and poor shot. But every year he
takes his vacation, and tramps over hill
| and dale with his gun on his shoulder.
One of his professional friends said it is
the only season of the year when he
kills nothing.
A LITTLE four year old, native and
resident of New Jersey, while watching
the lightning flashes from his nursery
window few evenings since, during
storm, turned to his nurse, and remarked
that "God was scratching matches
against the sky"
MAN with broken nose-"I want a
man arrested in the saloon around the
corner for pounding me-" Police Ser
geant-" What kind of a looking man
was heW Man w. 3. NJ" A feller
with base tall mustache" P. S.
GA base ball mustachel What do you
mean by that?" Man w. B. N" Nine
on side"
As good joke on the inland Secre-
tary of the Navy, the papers are telling
| that when he was inspecting war ship
at the Philadelphia Navy Yard it was
thought proper to show him the depth
of the vessel by removing one of the
matches, when, to the astonishment of
all present, he exclaimed: "Why, the
old thing is hollow"
AT an auction art sale the other day
marine view was about being knocked
down at handsome figure, when bluff
sailor, who had happened to wander in,
exclaimed, earnestly: "My starsl if
there amt vessel drifting on to the
rocks with strong breeze blowing off
shore!" The artist took his work home
to rearrange the wind.
No man can safely go abroad that
does not love to stay at home; no man
can safely speak that does not hold his
tongue; no man can safely govern that
would not cheerfully become a subject;
not learned to obey; and no man can
safely rejoice but he that has the testi-
mony of good conscience.
ONE YEAR OF LIFE.
January for friendship;
February for loving;
| March for marriage;
| April for moving;
| May for flowers;
June for bugs;
| July for picnics;
August for mugs;
| September for oysters;
October for squalls;
| November for cocktails;
| December for bawls,
With an occasional masquerade.
| -EdiHbaTg tPd.) Herald
THE champion nose lives at Sacra-
pento. Its owner was at breakfast
when friend, seated on the opposite
side of the table, knowing him to be
little near-sighted, remarked, There's
fly on the end of your nose" "Is
there ?" responded the owner of the horn
of plenty. II didn't know it. Just
please scare him off; you're nearer to
him than amp
A WESTERN editor has discovered
that two acres of sunfowers will sup
ply family with fuel through long
winter, the wood of the stalk and the
oil of the seed making a roaring and
cheerful fire. But it is going to puzzle
man who only has yard twenty by
thirty feet to raise two acres of sun
flowers on it in one season-unless he
can suspend it in the air and plant on
all four sides.
PERSONAL: VIII the young man in a
blonde overcoat and liver-colored hat,
who sang "The Heart Bowed Down
with Grease and Hair" out on West
Hill, at one a. M, please repeat his
concert this evening at the same place,
and stand a little away from the lamp
post, so the audience can get good
| CIack at ulIu Will Il Iuu p VI cOdl, Will
out endangering the property of the gas
company Burlington Ha,ckeye.
"HAvE you any bias or prejudice for
or against the defendant?" asked an
attorney of juror in the City Criminal
Court yesterday, on the trial of Mon
golian clothes-line thief. 81 have no
prejudice against the Chinaman," re-
piled the juror, "but have against his
lawyer or any other man who swindles
me out of pair of pants" The juror
was excused from serving on that case.
San Francisco Bulletin.
A CUNNING Californian tore his
{ clothing, rolled himself in the dust, and
, tied himself to tree by the wayside,
, hoping to excite the pity of the passen-
{ gers of the stage-coach when it came
along by relating how he had been
, robbed by highwaymen. The stage
, that day took short cuS by new road, 4,
and when the cunning Californian was
, about to unite himself grizzly bear
came along and ate part of his leg.
How to Do IL.
; Rules for speaking through the tele-