The Saline County journal. [volume] (Salina, Kan.) 1871-1893, 1878-05-23
Peppers Phonograph.

The Deacon is-or rather wac
good man and q class leader in the
church. He visited New
York recently, and wandered into an es-
adjustment where several monographs
were on exhibition and for sale. He
became much interested in the instru.
ment, and when he spoke into the mouth
piece OF one of the machines and heard
his own words ground out with start
ling distinctness, he manifested his
in one prolonged
"W-h-ew %
Then happy thought struck him.
He usually made . brief address at class
meetings on Friday evenings, and he
suddenly conceived the idea of speaking
his piece in the monograph, purchasing
the invention, and surprising the breth-
rem and sisters at the next meeting. The
idea was carried into execution to some
extent. Tho Deacon charged the pho
nograph with an appropriate address,
and while he was bargaining with the
owner of the instrument, in another part
of the room, a rough, bush-whiskered
individual, attired.in corduroy pantaloons
and spcckled shirt, slipped in unobserved
and howled a lot of stuff into the same
machine. The Deacon paid for and car
ried off the phonograph, entirely igno.
rant of the frightful sentences injected,
into it by the rough person, who, as
subsequent eveat proved, the intellectu-
a. driver of mule team. and not very
choice in his language.
The next day was Friday, and in the
evening the deacon marched into the
church with his photograph under his
arm, and his face illuminated with ra-
diant smile.
"My friends" he commenced, al have
little surprise for you. l do not in
tend to address you this evening. l
have brought substitute to speak for
me. This little instrument have here
holding up the photography will now
address you briefly upon your duty to
tho church and suffering humanity"
Then the deacon, with 0 smile extend
ing from ear to ear, gave the crank a
couple of turns, and all the color faded
from his face as the photograph thun-
dered forth:
"Glt up there, you dashed old Grip
pie! Whoa, Sal. you blind"
1t was awful.
The hair of the brothers in the trout
pews stood straight up; u sister in the
back of the house tainted dead away,
and the sexton yelled "ire!"
observation-disclosures
hero" gasped the deacon, after few
minutes of painful silence. 81 must have
turned the crank the wrong way-or
maybe the linchpin is loose, or the safe
ty-valve has lost screw, or something
And, perspiring at every pore, the dea-
con essayed another turn, and the ma
chine yelled:
"Gee, Bill! Where in the dashatIon
are you going, you son of mule Ped
di-whoa-a-a! Blast your eyes, can't
you"
The awfulness became more awful.
Three moro sisters tainted, several
brothers clapped their hats on their
heads and their fingers into their ears,
and started for the door, shouting apo
lice ~ and the sexton hallooed "Mur.
DER" while the deacon wildly clutched
the photograph by the neck and choked
it until it was black in the face and its
eyes bulged out an inch.
But twas no use. The internal ar
rangements of tho machine were evident
ly demoralized, and the cylinder con-
tinued to revolve, grinding out the most
frightful language ever heard outside OF
a political ward convention, and when
the audience were saluted with I'll
knock your dashed brains, you long
cared" they didn't wait for the re-
mainder of the "addrcss," but got up as
one man-and one woman-and made .
dash for the door IN decidedly panic
stricken manner. The deacon, with his
face the color of "a small pox flag, threw
the photograph over the pulpit, sprang
after it, kicked it down the aisle into the
street, where the sexton smashed it with
an AK, just as the deacon's address be-
gan to issue from the mouthpiece. and
then placed it under the hvdrant and let
u stream of water run on it all pight.
A committee was appointed on the
spot to investigate what appeared to be
the deacon's highly improper and pain
full conduct, and, and the well-meanlug
person has concluded 10 move West and
grow up with the country.-Brother
Williams in Puck.
The yictOriouS t.eeSe