The crisis. (Chillicothe, Livingston Co., Mo.) 1877-1878, 1878-04-25
CLIPPINGS.

nephew; but the nephew nttle cousin
said to him, "Dont hit the nail on your
finger, for it hurts awful"
Here is a dialogue between two Bo-
hemians:
Would, o, would that l had fifty
thousand year, know what I'd do"
"What?"
Nothing"
"I say, Ferguson, remarked Mr..
Blifkins, the other morning, "you ought
to start Il bank" Start bank!"
yelled Ferguson; what for?" "Oh, be-
cause your wife would make such first
class teller" Exit Furguson, in deep
meditation.
A father induced a croupy little boy
to make healthy meal Of buckwheat
and molasses, but the latter proved to
be syrup of squills. The boy said he
thought something allied the molasses
the very minute his father told him to
eat all he wanted.
Well-to-do Cinnamon hire their fam
lily physicians all the year. As long as
everybody keeps well the salary goes
on; as soon asany are taken sick it stops
until the patient recovers. And yet We
claim to be a more civilized and sensi-
BILE people than'the Chinese.
1t is the heart which constitutes age,
not a wrinkled cheek or flurowed brow.
A man may be young when he is old or
old when he is young. The best rule is
to enjoy life as you go along, and then
neither you nor your neighbors will
ever know how old you really are.
He appeared to bealmost gone. Roll
ing his eyes towards the partner of his
bosom, he gaspod: Bury me meath
the weeping willow, and plant simple
white rose above my head" "Oh, its
no USE" she snapped out. "Your nose
would scorch the roots" He got well.
The Kaf1irs are in the habit of killing
all their old people with religious cere-
monies. When an old lady is to be
sacrificed she walks to the grave, arm
in arm with her two oldest sons, who
chant, in heart-brolen voice, "Who
will Kaf1ir mothernow?"-N. Y. Grdph-
ic.
The Scientific american inquiries if
the world is growing colder. To which
another Journal replies as follows I'VE
saw a man sitting Oh piece of ice in
front of this Office yesterday who
looked as though he might know, but
perhaps it would be as well to ask him
by mail"
Exchange: Poor young thing! She
tainted away at the wash-tub, and her
pretty nose went kerslop into the soap
suds. Some said it was overwork, 9th
ers, however, whispered that her beau
had peeped over the back fence, and
called out: "Hullo, there, Bridget, is
Miss Alice at home?"
A correspondent asks, "What is the
best method of feeding cattle in the
wintcr?" We don't exectly know. One
man might prefer to take the OK. m his
lap and feed him with spoon, 9th
ers would bring his into the dining
room and let him sit at the table with
the old folks. Tastes differ in matters
of this kind.
A gentleman saw his little daughter
dipping her dolls dress into a lineup
and inquired; "What are you doing,
nv daughter?" "I'm coloring my dolls
dress red" "With what?" "With beer
What put that foolish notion into your
head? You can't color red with beer"
Eyes, 1 can, pa, because ma said it was
beei that made your nose so red"
A young lady who is studying French,
lately wrote her parents that she was
"invited out to deieuner the day be.
fore, and was going to 'fete champetre'
the next day." The professor of the
college was surprised to receive dis
patch from the "old man," day or two
after, saying: "if you can't keep my girl
from these blasted menageries and side
shows, will come down and see what
ails her"
Misfortune comes never singly. The
other day n man was walking along
Washington street with paper Of tacks
in his coat tail pocket, basket OF eggs
on his arm, and a tall hat on his head,
When he sat down the tacks stuck into
him and the eggs broke and ran over
him. When he tried to get up his hat
fell of and he sat down on that, and
lust as he ventured on one little oath
his minister came along and overheard
it,
Norrristown Herald: A reader in the
country writes as follows: "A mule in
our village yesterday afternoon inadver-
tently kicked can of nitro-clycerine. A
barn one hundred yards distant was
badly wrecked, and the mule seemed
somewhat surprised, whirling around
two or three times before resum-
ing work at nibbling grass" We don't
believe it-that is We do believe the
kicking and wrecked barn part, but we
don't believe that the mule was surpris-
ed. 1t is a libel on the mule.
The negro's description of philanthro-
ply is true to the life;-"Dc ferlanther-
pist," he said, "sits down befo' rousin'
good fire on cold day an wishes dat
everybody else had just such a fire; he
advertakes homes fur kripples, an agen
an unfortunate, an mex day signs n
pertishun to frow one-armed soldier
out'n position, payin' dollar day."
This is the take it easy philanthropy,
the sweetened-water sentimentalism OF
the day. 1t takes its five courses at
dinner and then wonders why kind
Providence doesn't throw a cooked tur-
key on every poor mans table.
Stanley had great many curious ex-
periences in Africa, but none more so
than this which follows: One of his
servants was so attached to him that in
order adequately to express his friend
ship he begged the explorer todlill, cook
and eat him. 1t is only genuine friend
ship which is willing to offer itself in
the shape of steaks and outlets. When
we of higher civilization profess
friendship it means that we are willing
to receive presents or borrow money.
"What are friends good for except to be
used?" we ask; but the African asked,
"What are friends good for except to be
ootn,, On