The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1878-01-31
Wit and HumOr.
is in Kars-erated.

LIKE cures ike, says the homPO-
pathist. 1t would be of more consequence
to know what cures dislike.
BROWN had been so often deceived by
the chicken at his boarding house that he
now calls it the mocking bird.
"AT what age were you married2'
asked she, inquisitively. But the other
lady was equal to the emergency, and
quietly responded, "At the parsonage"
"MY DEAR" said pretentious husband,
pm going to write an essay on the
golden calf" my love-" replied his wife,
''I'm afraid you'll re-ceaI your igno-
rance"
A BOOK canvasser, the other day, talked
half an hour to induce lady to buy a
book. Then she handed him a slip of
paper, on which was written: 81 am defe
and DUMP
1--WE all knows" said the school com
mitteeman to the new teacher he was ex
aiming for her position, "that A, b an
G is wowels, but wot we wants to know is
wy they is So"
A WITNESS in Western court was
asked if the party to the suit was not a
truthful man. mo-" he answered; "he'd
sooner lie at sixty days than tell the
truth for cash."
LADY-"And just put tint of carmine
on the cheeks, and not too much, you
know" alphabetically, mad
AMI perfectly understand; about as much
as you have on now"
AN Irishman, seeing vessel very heav-
lily laden and scarcely above the waters
edge, exclaimed: upon my sowl if the
river was but little higher the ship
would go to the bottom"
"ADvIcEr' said an old man of much
experience. "Why, never had any one
come to me for advice, who, before he
got through, wasn't willing to gice twice
as much as he asked for"
AN inventor says: "Our latest lawn
mower eats the grass off like COW, but
it doesn't cost as much for provender
and truth compels us to add, that it doesn' t
give as much milk, either"
WHEN paragrapner makes joke out
of whole cloth it is generally home-spun.
Turner's Falls Reporter. Sir Oliver
Wendell is the only man who makes
Holmes puns.-N. Y. Herald.
WE see that dog-shows are announced
in several of the States. When it is re-
membered that dogs cost this country
about thirty millions of dollars a year it
is surprising that they have any "show" at
all.
A MAN from this State, who recently
went to the Black Hills, wrote back to
his friends as follows: "Offer premium
at your next fair for the biggest fool in
the country and I'll try and get there in
time"
"WnEN | see" said Jobham-"Dealer
in Family Groceries '-'when | see these
politicians running bills for family neces-
sites, and then trying to pay for them
with political Influence, it rouses all the
grocer passions of my nature"
AT a school exhibition out on West
Hill the other day, a delicate young lady,
reciiing Gray's Elegy, modified the coarse
vulgarity of one of the lines by render
ing it, "Can stored earn or animated
burst. Burlington Hack-Eye.
4 GENTLEMAN named Dunlop remarked
that he never heard his name punned
upon, and did not believe it could be
done "There is nothing in the world
more easy, SIR" remarked punster
'.just lop off half the name and it is Dun
"WHAT you say, Doctor, about 'pov-
erty being no crime is all well enough
in the abstract, but as matter of fact a
al, L. 6
prtnctpdi," and the banker passed the
walnuts to his guest with selt-satisted
air.
A MAN who was kept awake hour after
hour by the barking of dog, said he
never wanted to use shotgun so bad in
his life. "What for-to shoot the dogf'
asked friend. NO. he replied, "but to
snoot the fool who wrote IT'S sweet to
hear the watchdog's honest bark"
WHEN Macready was once rehearsing
civilian Tell" he spoke the line. "Do
YOU shoot" in a very natural and colo.
quial tone, which threw the raw actor he
addressed off his guard. "A little" he an
swered, "but don't fancy them cross
bows, Mr.. Macready, though I'm death
on gun"
A TIMID young man who could not
muster up courage to pop the question to
his sweetheart, whose name was Anna,
one day handed her a cigar, which she
accepted joyfully, and SAID allow well
you understand the language of symbols.
Haze Anuai" "Oh, yes, you angel" he
exclaimed.
"PosTAL card proposals." exclaimed an
old lady. as she read the heading of the