The New Orleans daily Democrat. [volume] (New Orleans, La.) 1877-1880, 1878-01-13
SMALL BOYS.
Wanted-A Holocaust to Rid Us Of the
Superfiuous Supply.
IN, Y. Times.1 ..


tn Y. Times1
The recent alarming increase in the
gross amount of small boy in this coun-
try has been noted by many close OBJ
servers. And now the time has come
when we can no longer shut our eyes TO
tho fact that never before has the article
been SO superiluously abundant In our
beloved land.
The fact 10. that during tho last few
wears the conditions have been ek-
tremely favorable to the rapid increase
of small boys. The country has been
suffering from financial difficulties. ana
small bows are the invariable result OF
such difficulties. 1t was long ago
noticed by that careful observer
of natural laws, Sir Isaac Newton,
that in clerical families the number OF
small BOYS varies inversely as the
square Of his fathers salary. A bishop
wi h n salary Of ten thousand pounds
usually contents himself wi tn one or
two boys, while the rector whose living
Ia worth only hundred pounds Is Ger
tain TO be the father Of from ten to
| twelve. The same rule applies TO DIS
seutipg ministers, and holds good IN
this country rs well ~ In England Al
though Sir Isaac does not mention IT. ne
| was doubtless well aware that in all
families, whether lay or clerical, power
| ty Ia the mother OF children. Inc
email boy grows rank and abundant In
the tenement house, and whenever the
workman strikes and thereby cuts oil
his wages. an epidemic Of twins breaks
forth. Thus we SEQ that that the tinan-
eial difficulties Of our country have had
their natural result in giving an enor-
nous impulse to the small boy crop,
and we have here the first reason for
the abnormal abundance Of small boys
which forced itself upon public atten-
ton last Christmas.
In accordance with the iudieious pro-
visions Of nature. the excess OF one gen
Grafton ia corrected by the next. The
unusual abundance OF small boy duo to
q period of monetary stringency 10
speedily diminished by a variety OF sub
seuuent phenomena. A hard winter,
with frequent opportunities for skating.
al ways follows year of dullness in the
labor market: and the small boys that
spring up during the latter period are
swallowed UP by scores of skating ponds.
During the following summer, steam
boilers that have not been repaired :
owing to the hard times-explode, and
railway trains fall through rotten
bridges to an extent which rapidly re-
stores the normal balance Of popula-
ton. The supertluous small boys more
over, thin their own numbers by judigi-
GUS Juvenile diseases, with more than
customary rapidity, and inooulate
themselves with the fatal green apple
with an unwearied determination. which
ia directly due to the increased difficulty
Of obtaining that deadly weapon which
results from the increased demand for
it, Thus it happens that we have never
yet suffered from a prolonged excess OF
small boys. and that in no instance has
the excess hitherto reached dangerous
dimensions.
It would be- useless to conceal that at
present the prospect Is far from re-
assuring. The existence OF an unprece-
denied plethora OF small boys is unde-
niable. and the conditions which pro-
duced this excess have not been fol-
lowed by any efforts on the part of
nature to restore the balance. Last year
apples ripened so early that the season
for stealing green ones was almost
wholly neglected, while accidents Of oil
kinds were rare. and for the most part
unfruitful. During the present winter
we have had absolutely no skating, and
many a philanthropist. who early Ia the
fall presented skates to the most obnox-
ious of the small boys In his immediate
neighborhood, has been bitterly disap-
pointed. When the green apples failed
and the steam boilers refused to burst,
sanguine people cheerfully fixed their
hopes upon the skating season. but the
prospect now is that Of the skating
ponds which are yawning for unwary
small boys, not one will be filled this
winter.
II this should prove to be the case, a
state OF things far worse than that pre-
dicted by Mr.. Matthews will eventually
come to pass. The small boys will
swarm as the Mosaic frogs once swarmed
in Egypt in the barbarous days when
the edible properties Of their hind legs
had not yet been recognized. We shall
have not merely our quivers, but our
streets, houses, and front and back yards
full of boys. There will not be a nook
or corner into which they will fail to
penetrate. The police will be powerlese
to cope with them, and they will mock
fathers sing, Come into the woodshed
John" Already the plumbers, with an
un falling instinct OF evil, are manufacture
tin horn by thousands, and the market
is becoming flooded with drums. or the
horrors Of the day when every house
shall contain an average OF eight small
boys, no language Is able to convey the
faint at idea.
We must rouse our energies and face
this imminent danger at once. There
Is but one thing which can help US, II
the skating ponds fail to fulfill Their
mission. We must rely solely upon
Sunday school festivals. There Is moth
, ing which 80 dlminishes an excess O.
small boys as q series Of evening fes
rivals baited with ice cream, candy anC
nuts. The combination OF late hours
indigestible food, and tedious addresses
) Is PROFESSIONALLY the most efficacious
, remedy for an excess Of small boys thai
, has ever been devised. Our regula
8 Sunday school festivals have done Ii
this direction an unknown amount 0
t good in quiet way, but we neec
; at least twice as many festivals al
t we have ever yet had, in order t
8 meet the present crisis. IL the small
Y boys Of any given community were to b.
' henceforth assembled once week In 6
/ damp lecture room and entreated to la,
Q their stomachs on the Sundayschoo
> altar as /. sacrifice in behalf of tn