The anti-monopolist. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1874-1878, 1878-05-02
MtT AND HuM0R.

To gOrtSchakOff is new English
verb. 1t means the hornswoggle.
An honest manager is the noblest
work Of God.
|. Our ancestors the monkeys couldn't
have been so ignorant, after all.
They were all educated in the high
branches.
A boys idea Of heaven is place
where all the water.pipes are per-
petually frozen and the comb-box is
eternally lost.
A negro teamster in Nashville de-
clares that he must either give w
driving mules or withdraw from the
church, the two positions being in
compatible.
WHAT inquiries the Philadelphia
Press, "becOmes of all the promising
children HIM, we know what's
become of one of them.
do you sing tenor." asked lady
Of her musical friend. "Well," re.
piled the facetious man, GIVE been
known to sing ten or eleven times
altogether"
1t is believed by the Utica Observer
that the photograph will yet be
speaker of the house. Not as long as
the lady of the house survives, we
think.
The New York Herald's weather
bureau predicted the great storm of
Ventnor, Isle Of Wight, in Which 800
lives were lost. This shows the vast
superiority of the Herald over Hos.
letters almanac.
This is perhaps the most wonderful
season for growth on record. Scarcely
a paper comes to hand that does not
record the name of a resident over
100 years old. The open winter sent
everything ahead at marvellous speed.
They explain the reason for a
woman's waywardness when she
throws rock at a hen or her 1.-THE
hen's) husband. by saying that it is
because of the shape of her collar.
bone. And one cannot help thinking
that a woman's collar.bone must be
the shape of Dutch letter z.
Poetical justice may be one Of the
eternal verities, and the mills of God
may grind with the deliberate GER
titude Of an elephant marching on
periwinke, but where are the red.hot
pitch and the boiling oil for the seven
times damnable william who invented
the word ''cablegram!" Does Nemesis
slumberi
A religious paper in the east d..
dresses its readers in the following
pathetic strain: ''Your mother read
the Advocate before you were born,
aud read it many day as she rocked
and hummed you to sleep. She has
gone home to heaven. This years
Advocate may guide your feet safely
to that same heaven. Brother, can
you afford to hush these memories
and quench the light for 3l.7O''
A merchant, DESTROYS of collecting
large outstanding debt, went to an
agent and told him he would give him
half the bill as commission for its
collection. The agent agreed. Months
elapsed. One day the merchant met
the agent. ''By.the-by. have
you collected that bill yet :" "Not
quite" said the agent, moving down
the street, II got my half two months
ago, but your half can't collect to
save me-"
He was a traveller for New York
house. and while on the train he
CHANGED to meet very agreeable lady
from Boston. but ere he had been in
her company half an hour he was COM
PEELED to improve on Byron, az
follows: maid Of Athens, ere we
part, give, oh, give me back my watch
and chain. pockct-book, gold pencil.
iyory-handled penknife and cigar
case, or I'll give You up to the
authorities at the next station" She
gave them back.
A few evenings since a father and
daughter at Wellesley, Mass, were
mutually recalling incidents in the
latter's childhood. II shall never
forget" said the young lady, :how
you took me out Of church one Sab
bath, when I was about 3 years old.
and punished me for playing in meet
ing. / can remember the tjngling Of
that peach-tree switch to this day.
livery strange. very strange" said
the father; II don't recolIect the
circumstance At III" ssAh well,
lpape yOn we're at the other end of tie
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