Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1878-06-05
NO. 23.
The Phonograph la Court.

S AAOAcrsA dpi IA 1ouEt-
The court at l., recently made a
bold step in advance by ordering all the
practicing attorneys to provide them
selves with Photographs and present
their views to the court through the
medium of these highly useful instru-
ments. The learned judge in making
the order promised by saying that as
some of the attorneys were addicted to
the annoying habit of talking at all
times, both in season as well as out OF
season, the adoption of the photograph
would enable the court to control, as
it were, each legal windpipe and in that
manner each attorney could be heard
by the court at the proper time and in
due order. His Honor pretty plainly
intimated that should any counselor be-
come inclined to phOnograhic windiLess
his instrument void be sent down stairs
in charge OF tipstaff, with directions
to turn the crank on the front steps.
Counselor X, who takes a supreme
delight in being always abreast of the
times, bought himself a superb, gold
mounted, diamond-studded pLonograph
of the dOuble-barrelled variety, with
a revolving double-jointed, back action
attachment Tor the gestures, and, having
"a very important case" to argue in the
Sessions" set about at once to fix the
thing ready for His Honor to turn the
crank. He was so much tickled with
the idea, that he invited a number of
intimate friends to a private room in
the H House to witness the inter-
esting and delicate operation of eharg-
Ing the instrument. Among other ac-
cessories at the operation were sundry
glasses of beer and deck of cards, in
terspersed with profuse and alarming
violations of the third commandment.
After three hours of incessant applica-
ton and labor the whole party, includ-
ing the phonograph, were pretty fully
charged. Next morning the court sat,
but Counselor " was absent. A
tipstatf was sent out in search of the
''missing link" in the chain of argu-
ment. After half an hours absence the
officer returned with the aforesaid dOu-
BILE ba-relled phonOgraph, which he
handed to His Honor with due solemn
ty and the remark that the Counselor
was ah !-''indisposed." After compli-
menting the absent Counselor upon the
tine taste and excellent Judgment he
displayed in the selection of an instru-
ment, His Honor placed the phono-
graph, attachment and all, upon the
rOstrum in full view of all the specta-
tors, and proceeded to turn the crank,
with the following result: "May it
please the court-fellows, I'm dry, let's
have some beer-I would respectfully
call the attention of--Johnny, send up
some cigars-to the fact that-spades
are trumps-my client occupies an ex-
tremely unfortunate position, being
under indictment for-slipping jacks
from the bottom of the deck is very
unfair-haying cheated a peor widow
of alone hand by JOve-short-horned
COW with-the left beset and two aces"
At this His Honor, being disgusted with
the apparent want of continuity in the
argument, turned the crank violently
the wrong way, when a fearful cry of
''you mad dog! you mad dog!" came
from the innocent looking instrument,
while at the same time the revolving
attachment gave the opposing counsel
fearful swipe across the mouth, send
ing him TO the carpet in regular z. K.
style. Amidst the direst confusion the
District Attorney, who was du fait in
all matters pertaining to the phono-
graph, arose and explained to the court
the meaning of the two last expressions,
alleging that they embodied palpable
violation of the act of assembly prohib-
iting profane swearing. Bills ofindict-
ment for profanity and an aggravated
assault and battery were then ordered
to be sent before the inquest, against
the unfortunate Counselor. Order be-
ing restored His Honor, with placid
countenance andpnruffled brow, hav-
ing, however, first put up a barricade
of chairs and books between himself
and the attachment, proceeded to turn
on the gas again: "My client declares
that he-'wont go home till morning"
sang the instrument, while the attach
ment made a vehement but fatal at
tempt to embrace the court crier-''is
entirely innocent of having-stocked
the cards-used any-Roman punch for
a night cap-artitice in inducing the
aforesaid widow to-play a game of
poker for beers-part with her short
hOrned-Queen of Hearts is led-cow,
and that he paid her a-dollar | see and
90 one better-fair equivalent for her."
Here there was a fearful outburst of
profanity, while the attachment made
a frantic effort to clutch somebody by
the hair. Amid loud cries of "let me
at him, "let me &C" '.I'lI put head
on him." etc., the phonograph was
dragged OFF to the station house by sew
en- polio emen, while the clerk of the
court was ordered TO enter fine of one
hundred dollars against Counselor
X. The court has now under con-
sideration the propriety of appointing
"Censor of Photographs" whose
duty it shall be to be personally present
at and supervise the charging of phono-
graphs.
DeadI altar oa;c. Ea.ts