The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1878-12-28
VARIETY.

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Heaven seems almost in sight to the woman
enjoying her first serenade from brass band.
II is terrible to love somebody and see her
washing windows for another man, says the
Detroit Free Press.
When you strike oil stop boring. Many a
man has bored clean through and let the oil run
out at the bottom.
'' Does your sister Annie ever say anything
about me P' gasped an anxious lover. 's Yes, -
replied the little girl, s' she said if you had
rockers on your shoes they'd make nice cradles. ="
A chap dreamed for twenty consecutive nights
that he was out carriage riding. and he couldn't
imagine any reason for the fact until he discover
ed that his bed was little buggy.
An American poet says, . Unless the young
heart OF woman is capable of settling firmly and
exclusively on one object, her love is like May
shower, which makes rainbows, but fills no
esterns."
Teacher Define the word excavate."
Scholar: 1t means to hollow out. Teacher !:
Construct a sentence in which the word is
properly used. Scholar: The baby excavates
when it gets hurt.
The longest sentence on record was pronounced
by Western judge. He sentenced u murderer
to imprisonment for life, and afterwards added
two more years to the sentence because the
prisoner called him '' no g gnteman.''
Frenchman of Tours, to his friend fresh from
Paris: 90 And did you meet my friend Nine.
-?r 50 Yes, but L saw very little of her."
All She was not, then. in her evening
dress ?''
A comprehensive school inspector asked an
Aberdeen class if they could tell him anything
remarkable in the life of Moses. Boy '' Yes,
sir. lie was the Ouly man who broke all the
commandments at once"
The Detroit Free Press is informed that kiss
ing the baby may result in deforming its nose
and bringing on near-sightedness. The safest
plan is not to kiss o baby, of the female persua-
sion, until it attans the age of sixteen years
The cartilage of the nose is much stronger then !;
and, besides, the kisses taste better.
The lady vas leaning on the arm of an elegant
and wealthy young man and leading her little
daughter by the hand when suddenly the child
said, o, ma, ma, look there. See that gentle
man that's passing. Don't you know him ?'
N-no my child 50 Why, mamma, he was
pa last year Ma faints. Music by the
band.
90 Was it nice party?' asked Mrs. Whifet,
when her daughter returned at a. m. from
Mrs. Struggles AT home" "NoI awful.
awful, ma The chicken salad was made of
veal. There were lot of queer sticks there.
Nobody was dressed decent. There was no
oysters, the champagne gave out, and some idiot
walked up the back breadth of my dress as far
as the waist, and then only stopped because he
was too stupid to climb
Colonel c. of Bowling Green, KY, made a
heavy play against faro bank when fine lunches
were set at all the houses, and dumped over
$1,000, which completely wore him out. He re-
luctantly laid aside his I" cue-paper " and lead
pencil and called for his cloak and cane. The
coloreo attendant brought the required articles,
and while adjusting the cloak politely remarked "a;
'fLunch is Jest ready, Colonel won't you stay and
have some 20 . Lunch, h--i," roared the
Colonel, grinding his teeth and taking frmer
grip on his walking-stick. g Do you think |
can eat eleven hundred dollars worth of ham
and get even ?"
GEORGE WAS PRoFANE.-The celebration oi
the battle of Monmouth recalls the tradition
that Washington swore at Lee there hundred
wears ago In the way occasion demanded. Gen.
eral Charles Scott of Virginia was q very profane
man, and q friend. after the war, anxious tc
correct his bad habit, asked him if the - admired
Washington" ever swore. Yes, once" said
Scott after a moments reflection; - it was al
Monmouth, and on day that would make any
man swear. Yes, sir, he swore on that day till the
leaves shook on the trees, charmingy, delight
fully. Never have L enjoyed such swearing
before or since. Sir, on that ever memorable
day be swore like an angel from heaven"
London fashionable journal states that tbt
latest London belle is Irish girl from Limerick
with the unromantic name of Gubbins, the
uauSnLeE OL IetISu army OulCSH VI tIS DIiLoA
army. She is said to be of the most charming
type of Celtic beauty and pictured in evening
costume plucking rose, completely eclipses the
bevy of reiguing bellies by whom she is surround
ed in the print sellers windows on the Strand. L
is profitable as well as pleasant to hold the place
of beauty, for the stores of jewelry and Othe
costly presents layished by noble noodles, and, i
is whispered, by sprigs of royalty, on the queer
of society, are almost incredible. The tribute
accepted by Miss Gubbins' predecessor, beauty
from Jersey Island, are estimated at $3.50, 900.
FAMILY PRIDE.-Just as quick as Mr.. Jone
paInted his barbed wire fence blue, farmer
Smiths wife said she wasn't going to be outdone
and the fence around the Smith farm sooI
blossomed out red, pinked with white. Mrs
Jones wasn't going to have any of the Smitl
family putting airs her, and their blu
fence was soon trimmed with gold-leaf stripes
Smith trumped over by putting gilt ball o
every barb, and Jones when last heard from wa
planting weather-vanes, gilt horses, peacock
and lightning-rod tips all over his fence an
swearing he'd beat the Smith family if he ha
to put up a cupola and bay-window at ever
post and hang a chrome every two feet alon
the line.