The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1878-04-06
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.


A Bridgeport man, arrested for striking hi
wife, Mary, admitted that Mary had little lam.
The Telqyan, saws there is an Irish canary bir'
in New London two hundred years old. kcalI.
now, canary bird live as long rs that:
II has been ascertained that Job was WORT
S145,3lS. Why, see here! job appears to nav
forgotten US. We shall contest his VIII,
The New York World disposes of him in TIN
way:
Great Father no good 'Me big injuni',,
Talk heap" Brothers, ! have hn''Hea''
"Howew
Miss Keeter is the name Of the sweet singer o
New Jersey. The best blood OF the Jerseys now
through her veins.
A crushed humorist asks us how many PIGS
feet in yard. We believe that depends whether
or not the gate is open.
"How TO keep an umbrella is the title OF
newspaper article. We know. Dig Il Ao'e SIN
teen feet deep and bury it.
Now is the time to take your carpets into Tho
back yard and beat what Bob lngersoh says docs
not exist out of 'cm.-COm. B,ateth
At present spring bonnet fills the fcminin,
mind.-Er glance at the spring bonner
shows that it takes but little to fill the feminine
mind.-NOr,iStotcn Herald.
Misery loves company and the fellow win q
crooked finger, back-actioned eye ana huhcn-
back nose wants to organize base ball CLUB
Engravcrs say that the work on the new dollar
is a botch.-Chicago Evening J0""Gf'
The law said, we believe, it should be an eagle,
but what kind of bird IS a "botch"
The editor of the Dixon Sun says he wants no
more spring poetry, but would he thankful for
something that will cure the itch and check
boils.
They will occasionally overdraw it little. \
reformed drinkcr, addressing temperance
meeting the other evening, said he had spent
5000 a year for rum of his own drinking. At
present prices, according to his story, he must
have drank 81 glasses day.
The story comes from Dcadwood that men,
her of certain church congregation was bowie
knitted by Jealous deacon for putting a counter
felt quarter in the contribution box, and the cX-
cited pastor, without leaving his pulpit, shot the
good deacon for creating disturbance during
divine service.
"Thc American congress is a national nuis-
ance," says Kernel ScrOggs, at the same tllnc
driving his mule team nearly to death, trying TO
get there Hoopesto'm Chronicle.
The woodruff and Clanin sisters have an
nounced purpose TO make England their per
manent residence. Now cannot George Francis
Train, Brick Pomcroy and few other Original
thinkers" be persuaded to do as much for the
good of their country?
A Boston paper says: "a butterfly was caught
at the South End yesterday" 1t may be safe
enough to catch a butterfly ut the south end, but
when you 90 to grab wasp, YOU want to catch
il at the northcascrly end shifting westerly to-
wards the head. -N0Tjsto'R Hesujd
Susan b. Anthony is in La Sale county lcctur-
ing ON Woman rants bread, not the Ballot"
However true that may be we are quite sure that
since the establishment Of cheap bakeries woman
kncadS bread an awful sight less than she used
tO,--IVeROnd Inter.
II is getting to be a close race between the
petit and the coroncr's jury. While the former
found 'the man that stole the horse not guilty"
the latter last week, in the case Of Mrs. Road
house, who was killed by II railroad accident at
Monmouth, was rather ahead, in finding that
"thc deceased was not TO blame"
We are panied to see a red ribboncr like Judge
Wallace, of the Hoopestown Chronicle, talk in
this careless way:
II there is any truth which may Justly be re-
gardcd by the united testimony of all modern
philosophers, it is that little lemon juice I'M
proves a whisky.punch. We would not, however,
advise any one to stay away from church of a
Sunday to put lemon juice in his punch. Nature
Las kindly set aside six days in the week FOL
squeezing lemons.
The phonograph is not popular in Rome, n
r The Sentinel explains how it happcncd
Bubbns bought the first phonograph ever
owned In this city and it came by express Friday
evening. He took it under his arm and stopped
in ut several places to discuss politics and things
and when he got home and attempted to exhibit
the photograph TO Ills wife that depraved lnstru
mcnt remarked in several different tones, Sci
'em up for the boys, barkcepcr Whoop, hoo
rayl Ycr's luck Fill the bowing fowl, Who's
afraid of the old woman" No more phono
-raphs in Rome.
The requirements for fun college outfit these
days are becoming painfully oucrous. The
Hotrlsgt relates Il case in point:
Young man, one OF the brightest pupils In
the Burlington High School, was very anxious
f. 20 To college. He had packed his trunk
bought his books, and was all ready to start FOL
New England when his father with tears in his
ewes, confessed that he was too poor To buy The
young student a revolver, and he had to stay
home and give up his bright dream OF learning
The distracted family are hcartbrohcn will
grief and disappointment.
PROSE POEM
With face rs rcd rs Il lobster and back like
the shell OF II clan, the wife stands over I'll,
kitchen stove and manipulatcs raspberry lam
DertShic Courier.
While her husband with anoSc like the sunset
and mouth like song OF the year, leans over
q counter of free lunch" and clcyatcs schOon
or, of beer Burlington Hpcicy.
And her daughter, with ears like shovel, anC
eyes like a Florida bean, swings on the front gate
With her fellow, with dorkncs, to cover TIA,
secne.-Gmphr.
And her son, with false teeth big rs tomb
stones, and hair as loose as.auy barn door, sleeps
swcctly Oh Il vacant soap box, IN ia" shade of M
old corner store-FditOH IGHo.
And her cousin, who came from the city, anC
.uubs her as much as she can, rocks at her cas-,
in the parlor, swinging palm leaf ian-H,yoL
Transcript.
And the hired girl, scrubbinS like sixty, auG
down on the floor on her knees, tells the coach
man, who silly has kissed her, 10 behave your
s,IL, -ir, if You please RhisbIck Gd-d'D.
And the children, out ON vacation, learn.
away clothes hats and shoes, add terror To al
her ycxations; who can blame her for having The