The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1878-08-30
VARIETIES.

girl to another, who had taken the best
apple in the dish " l was going to take
that"
Pasture new-After boy is tired out
hoeing potatoes, nothing seems to rest him
more than to dig over few square rods of
greenswards in seaching ofbait."
=" At what age were you married 2"
asked she inquistively. But the other
lady was equal to the emergency, and
} quietly responded, "At the parsonage"
Go west, young man. 1t is charming
place. Those who don't freeze to death in
winter, get sunstruck in summer. The
Others get killed by a tornado.-N07riSt0aon
Herald
would you not love to gaze on Mag
ara forever ?" said romantic young girl
to less romantic companion. "Oh, no,
should not like to have cataract always
in my eye"
"A subscriber asks us, what is good for
warts on horses2 We don't know; we never
owned but one pair ofhorses-a wood horse
and a clothes horse; and they were never
troubled with warts.
"A modern philosopher thinks it mis-
take to suppose women have stronger at
tachments than man. A man is often at
tached to an old hat; but he asks, "who
ever heard of woman being attached to
an old bonnet ?"
"A clergyman says, II once married a
handsome young couple, and, as took the
bride by the hand and gave her my warm
est congratulations, she tossed her pretty
head, and, pointing to the bridegroom,
replied, II think he's to be congratulated"
els there an opening here for an intel
lectual writer ?" asked a seedy, red-nosed
individual of an editor. "Yes, my FRIEND"
said the man of quilts, "a considerate car
penter, foreseeing your visit, left an open
ing for you; turn the knob to the right"
The Burlington Hawkeye says: off
any subscriber finds line in his paper that
he does not like and cannot agree with, if
he will bring his paper to the office and
point out the offending line, the editor will
take his scissors and cut it out for him."
81 suppose those bells are sounding an
alarm of fire." sneeringly said man, as the
church bells were calling together the wor-
shippers on Sunday morning to which a
clergyman who was passing, rejoined =
Yes, my friend but the fire is not in this
world"
AT a funeral in Ireland the clergyman
had not been informed as to the sex of the
deceased. He accordingly leaned over to
the sexton and said: "Shall I say brother
or sister here Departed cts neither,
sir" whispered the man; "shure he was
only an acquaintance !"
"A good name is best won by good
| deeds. There is no surer way of being
well thought of than by observing WE'LL
"You have a little world around you,"
wrote Daniel Webster to an early friend
''til it with good deeds, and you will fill
it with your own glory
In a recent case for assault, the defend
ant pleaded guilty. II think must be
guilty." said he "because the plaintiff and
were the only ones in the room, and the
first thing | knew was that was standing
up, and he was doubled over the table,
You'd better call it guilty"
-"Plaze, cap'n, how far are we from the
land z" asked IL scasck cmigrant of the
captain of an ocean steamer. "Well, Mike,
we are bout a couple hundred miles off
Cape Henry, reckon" was the reply
"And now, cap'n," said Mike, show far,
PLACE, is Cape Henry from the land ~
Boston Post.
"A citizen was arrested recently on
charge of shooting neighbours dog. His
defence was that the animal was nuisance,
continually barking aad biting, as was its
nature to do. ooh" said the Justice, "you
shot the dog in sclt-defence ?" "No" was
the rejoinder. 81 shoots him in dc head
under de fence" He was acquitted.
Two friends were recently attacked by
Indians in Arizona, and escaped on mules,
tho the arrows of the savages whistled by
them in flocks. One mule being faster than
the other, his rider sang out: "Joe, why
don't you come along2" Joe, who was
urging his mule with desperate energy, re-
piled, as an arrow grazed his ear do l
act like a man who is throwing off racer"
-Glancing at the ticket received for the
boy travelling half fare as under twelve, he
looked at him and then at his mother, then
at the ticket and remarked that he was "a
| large boy to be riding at half fare"
| II know he is, sir" said the lady "but
he's grown a good deal since we started"
When last seen, Sandy, the conductor of
the noted slow train, was on his way to
speak to the engineer about it.
| Sir William B., being at parish
meeting, made some proposals which were
objected to by farmer. Highly enraged,
"Sir," said he to the farmer, "do you know
that I have been at two universities, and
at two colleges at each university ?"-
"Well, Sir" said the farmer, "what of that2
had calf that sucked two cows, and the
observation made was, the more he suck
ed the greater calf he grew"
-"Gentlemen of the jury" said Tus-
carora lawyer, "what kind of swearing has
been done in this case ? Here we have a
physician-a man who, from his high and
noble calling, should be regarded as one
who would scorn to stain his soul with per-
jury, or be guilty of giving utterance to an
untrutb; but what did he testify, gentle
men? put the question to him plainly,
as you all heard, Where was this man stab
bed p And what was his reply? Unblush-
ingly, his features as cool as though cut
from marble, lie replied that the man was
stabbed about an inch and half to the
left of the median line, and about an inch
above the diaphragm, and yet we have
proved by three witnesses that he was stab
bed just below the Young America Hoist
ing Works"
A NICE OLD MAN.-Old Ebenezer Brown
had long the reputation of being the stin-
gest man in Ohio, and the following incl
dent regarding him is said to be true:
One day a discussion arose as to the ex-
tent his meanness, and in order to settle a
| "A Al.