The Superior times. [volume] (Superior, Wis.) 1870-1912, 1878-06-22
WITTICISMS.
WHEN signs fail, advertise.

MEND1Nu your We1ghs--repairingy your
scales.
THE path of Through the Gus
tom-house.
How to make little money last a
good while: Don't spend it.
REMARK by man in full barber
shop, What shall | do to be shaved?"
A STANDING joke-Getting up to offer
your seat to lady in car, and then see
her give it to her husband.
ASK butcher where he will "meat'
you, and he will doubtless reply: CAT
the the meat-market"
THE late frost killed all the old stove
pipes in the New Jersey gardens.-New
York Herald.
The Norristown Herald insists that no
man likes to hold girl baby in his arms
until she is seventeen years old.
A PARIS paper tells us that the Poles
like the American dancing parties called
hops. Hop Poles, of course.
The pickpocket's motto is like name
made immortal by Dickens, because it's
T" Pick quick"
The woman who maketh good pud-
ding in silence is better than she who
maketh tart reply.-Erchange
wADAYs the people are all "get
ting off good things"-their flannel
things, we mean.
He sot him down on the steps-that
had been newly painted-and when he
riz to travel home-that gal of his-she
tainted.
BIDDY was told to go into the parlor
and dust the furniture. can phat wud
[ shprinkle the dust on wid?" asked
Biddy.
NAME your horse Jailer, and when he
runs away you can quote line of poetry
to him, viz: "Stay, Jailer, stay, and
hear my whoap
"CAN love die9' inquiries Mary E.
Nealy in recently published poem. 1t
cannct, though it gets dreadfully adj
journed occasionally.-Bu6aIo Eaprcss.
FELT gray is a popular color for
ladies' spring suits. Felt blue is the
popular color for the husbands who have
to pay the bills.
THE Haaokeye, of Burlington, tells of
tramp who asked for loaf of bread a
plate of potatoes and a round of beef,
to fill a long-felt want"
The man who dreamt he dwelt in mar
bic halls woke up to find that the clothes
! had been pulled off from him by his wife.
| -Danbory News.
PHILOSOPHERS say that closing the
eyes makes the sense of hearing more
acute. A wag suggests that this ac-
counts for the many eyes that close in
our churches ON Sunday.
WILLIAM came running into the house
the other day, and asked eagerly,
"Where does Charity begin?' AT
home," was replied, "in the words of
the proverb." Not by a good DEAL"
rejoined the boy; " it begins at sea CO.."
SPILKINs bought Goldfish the other
day, and remarked to his grocer: "S'pose
III have to pay for this on delivery"
"Why 500" inquired the dealer. "Be-
cause" replied Leander, "it is G.. o. d.
fish," The grocer said Spilkins was
"codding" him.
" De big sunfower may rise above
De modest 'tater vine,
An brag about its Sunday clothes
An put on airs SO fine,
But when de winter bowls around,
An de snow lies at de doah
DE big sunhower, oh whar am ne?
DE 'tater has de foahi'
Have you any damp sheets in your
housew asked guest of manager of a
fashionable hotel, as he registered his
name. No." replied the manager,
" but Pll have pair dampened for you
if you wish" The stranger retired.
AN unassuming little book has Just
been issued with the title of "The
Thoughts of Animals Put Into Words"
1t is unassuming because it doesn't at
tempt to put into words the thoughts of
two-quart dog while trying to paw offa
ten-quaru muzzle.
A FASHION item says "puffs and
false braids are being dispensed with;''
but when you see a woman drowning
and reach the spot as she is going down
the third time, you want to grab her
pretty close to the skull, or you may
have 81 worth of false locks and your
labor for your pains.
A New YORK woman has got an idea
that she knows how a paper should be
conducted. She says she would issue it
every afternoon, it would be strictly a
woman's paper, and "should be devoted
mainly to telling what women think and
do."- Danbury Nears Yass. But what
would she fill up with ?--Norr Herald.
With what women say.
"ANYTHING new or fresh this morn
ing?' a reporter asked in railroad off ce.
Yes" replied the lone occupant of the
apartment. What is it?" queried the
reporter, whipping out his notebook.
Said the railroad man edging toward the
| door, "That paint you are leaning
against" Such are the loads newspa-
per man must bear.
THE other evening. when four or five
young rosebuds which gallop DER the
hearthstOne of Cass avenue family be-
came too uproarious, the mother called
out. "If'I speak to you again, shall
punish some of you" The youngest of
the lot slid off the lounge, reflected for
moment, and then soberly remarked:
Well, then, I'd advise you to hold in
your speak" She did,
THE item, the other day, stating that
the pronunciation of "SchurZ' is
"shirts, and that consequently the clerks
in the interior department are under
shirts" has called out the following from
correspondent: eff the clerks in the
interior department are undershirts,'
the purity of the civil service requires
that they should be changed oftener than
once in four years. Fitchburg Sentinel.
In the rural district of Forfarshire, a
young ploughman once went counting
ON Saturday night. In vain he racked
his brain for some interesting topic; he
could call up no subject at all suitable
for the occasion-not one sentence could