The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1878-05-23

| No man WHO uOSSn lake Ills IdJlOns
| regularly (when he can get them) can be
called a rational being.
They are very particular they wouldn' I
| allow mail wagon to stop opposite the
| Women's Hotel in New York.
Mrs. Fortune, of Halifax, has given
birth to twins-girls. Of course, miss
Fortunes never come singly."
DR.. LIE Moyne offers to cremate spring
poets at half price.-Puck Editors can
now utilize their back yard burying
grounds for agricultural purposes.
A Butter Convention was held in In
dianapolis last summer, but it soon melt
ed away. The local papers remarked
that the members all spread them.
selves"
How melancholy the moon must feel
when it has enjoyed the fullness of pros
perity, and got reduced to its last quar-
ter
Down in Kentucky they want to know
how Governor Henry Watterson would
sound. There is too much water in it to
suit Kentucky.
Mary Ann-You needn't feel mortified
if your napkin has holes in it, SO long as
it's clean. The holes in this article of ia
bic linen are often the cleanest part.
A Mississippi judge was just saying that
no one but coward would carry pistol,
when his own fell from his pocket and
was discharged and the bullet hit law
yer in the leg
The Pittsburg Telegraph has a wonder
ful story entitled, Saved by Mule" If
the editor of the Telegram has been saw
ing anybody's life, why doesn't he come
right out and say SO, and not go at it in
such q round about manner2
A philosopf er says 1--WE learn to climb
bv keeping our eyes not on the hills be-
hind US, but on the mountains before u.s.
Another way is to take a couple of rods
the start, and try to beat an enthusiastic
bulldog over a nine-foot fence.
The first impression that the English
design on the American dollar gives you,
is that the eagle has just been reused
from brown study by a most awful and
swipe across the back with a
stuffed club.
At a christening while the minister
was SlblHR bu6 C0TGluCdb6y At ndppSuGu
to say, "Let me see-this is the 30th."-
nant mother, indeed it is only the elev-
enth."
A young woman applying for the stu
ton of governess to a village school, be-
ing questioned by the clergyman as to
her qualifications, replied: II amt much
of an arithmeticker but I'm an elegant
grammarest."
What's de time O. day, ole oman ?"
said colored countryman to Aunt Milly,
trying to poke fun at the brass chain that
held her front door key around her neck.
Look at de town clock, chile OATS
built for po' folks"
why" said lover to his mistress,
ARE you like that hinge? ?" Cant even
guess. Because you are something to
l door" (adore). She cut his acquaint-
ance Immediately, which, we surmise,
considerably unhinged him.
"You wasn't around where they dealt
out hair, was your said red headed
nan to bald-headed man in railroad
,ar. Yes, was there" said the man
With skating rink on the top of his
lead 81 was there, but they offered me
/ handful of red, and told them to throw
t into the coal-scuttle to kindle the fire
With"
Nearly every man in the crowd has had
omething to say derogatory to the eagle ;
IN the new dollar. We don't mean to
ay anything harsh against the legal
ender bird until we've seen him. If our
eaders want to hear something very
on tho ct,hiaof lot
pecimen. If we don't make them roar
veil shut up shop.
The item stating that the pronuncia-
ion of "Schurz is shirts" and that,
onsequently, the clerks in the Interior
Department. are "under-shirts" has call
ID out the following from correspond
MT: eff the clerks in the Interior De-
artment are 'under-shirts,' the purity of
he Civil Service requires that they should
e changed oftener than once year"
The yeast sold by Rome dealers must
e pretty good. A penny's worth thrown
nto the face Of a fellow in this city by
irl whom he had insulted, caused his
ngry passions to rise in about thirty
he Recorder fined him $40. There is a
ut we can't stop to figure it out now
Rome Sentinel
Hathaway seems to have got away with
million dollars, as manager of two Fall
liver cotton mills. George Hathaway
gorge Hathaway! To squander cash he
ath q way; to speculate, hypothecate
nd play with fate he hath way. George
hathaway George Hathaway To rob
lie poor he hath way; to forge his name
nd bank the same and bluff the game
e hath way.
P. T. Barnum says: II tell you as a
lowman, you can't make animals drink
hisky. They know better" The show
ian is mistaken. We once heard wo-
ian call out of second story window to
n object that for nearly an hour had
cen trying in vain to unlock the front
oor Drunk again, you old hog, are
on 2 And if hog isn't an animsl what
it?
The gentleman who attracted attention
| church last week by crying out, Holy
loses" had no intention of disturbing
le congregation. He had been tacking
own carpets the day before and Just as
e sat down in his pew he suddenly re-
rendered that he had half paper of
,cks in his coat skirt pocket. We make
lIs explanation in Justice to his family,
ho are highly respectable.
An engineer on the railroad on Sunday
NV large assemblage of well dressed
eople on the bank of the river and blew
is whistle, and rang his bell and saluted
hem generally. After passing the spot
ne fireman said to him: What is the
lattpr with Won ? That Uas 10 bar too
olemn scene to blow the whistle for, it
'as baptism" "Oh, dunder," said the
ngineer, Il dOught it was pickernick."