Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1878-05-10
HumOrs Of the Irish Bar.
SOME PEARLS OF ANEcDoTE FROM THE ''Foul
COURTS" OF DUBLIN.

humor and biting wit. The latter was SO nm
that its sarcasm was often unperceived b.
the object against whom the shaft was d
rected.
A legal friend, extremely studious, but il
conversation notoriously dull was once show
| ing off to him his newly y-built house. The
book worm prided himself especially on {
sanctum he had eontrivod for his own use, 81
secluded from the rest of the building tha
he could pore over his books in private quite
secure from disturbance.
Capital exclaimed the Chief Baron
You surely could, my Gear fellow, read anc
study here from morning till night, and nc
human being be one bit the wiser.
A young and somewhat dull tyro at the
bar pleading before him commenced my
lord, my unfortunate client"--then stop
ped, hemmed hawed hesitated. Again he
began My lord, my most unfortunate
client" t"--another stop, more hemming and
confusion.
"Piay go on, sir" said the Chief Baron.
| so far the Court is with you
In those days, before competitive examina'
tions were known, men with more interest
than brains got good appointments, for the
duties of which they were wholly lncompe-
tent. OF such was the Honorable ---
He was telling Lord Guillamore of the sum-
mary way in which he disposed of matters III
his court
| Il say 10 the 1elloWS tnat are DUtntIlliR
with foolish arguments, that there's no use in
wasting my time and their breath for that
all their talk only just goes in at one ear and
out at the other"
mo great wonder in that said O'Grady,
| seeing that there's so little between to stop
it"
1t was this worthy, who being at public
dinner shorty after he got his place, had his
health proposed by a waggish guest.
q will give you toast, he said "The
Honorable --, and long may he con-
tinue indifferently to administer justice.
The health was drunk with much merriment,
the object of it never perceiving what caused
the fun.
| Lord Guillamore could tell story with in
imitable humor. He used to vary his voice
according to the speakers, and act as it were
the scene he was describing, in a way Infinite
ly diverting Very droll was his mimicry of
dialogue between the guard ofthe mail and
a mincing old lady with whom he once trav-
eled from Cork to Dublin. in the old coach
ing days:
the coach had stopped to change horses,
and the guard. big red-faced jolly man,
beaming with good humor and civility, came
bustling up to the window TO see if the "in-
Sides wanted anything
Guard = whispered the old lady.
well. ma'am, what can / do for you?'
Gould you'-in faint voice-"could you
| get me glass of water?"
.'To be sure, maam with all the pleasure
in life"
.And guard still fainter-'Td-hem
I-Td-a-like it hot"
Hot water Oh, all right, ma'aml Why
not if its plazing to you p
with lump of sugar guard, if you
please"
| by all manner of means, ma'am."
| "And- and-guard dear"-as the man was
turning to 60 away-'a small squeeze of
lemon, and a little-just thimbleful-of
| spirits through it"
| ''Och, isn't that punch r shouted the guard
Where was the good of beating about the
| bush? Couldn't you have asked out for
tumbler of punch at once, maam, like a
man !"
Mr. F, Clerk of the Crown for Liner
ick. was over six feet high, and stout in pro-
portion. He was the dread of the cabmen,
and if their horses could have spoken they
would not have blessed him.
One day when driving in the outlets of
Dublin, they came to long and steep hill
Cabby got down, and walking alongside the
cab, looked significantly in at the windows.
His honor" knew very well what he meant
but the day was hot and he was lazy and fat
and had no notion of taking the hint and
getting out to ease the horse while Harding
the lean earth" himself. At last Paddy
changed his tactics. Making q rush at the
cab, he suddenly opened the door, and then
slammed it to with tremendous bang.
whats that for 20 roared Mr.. F., star |
tied at the mans violence and the loud re-
port.
Whist yer honor! Don't say word ~ |
whispered Paddy, putting his fingers on his |
lips
But what do you mean, sirrah ?" cried the |
fare.
"Arrah, can't ye hush, sir q? Spake low
now-do. Sure, It's letting on | am to the |
little mare that your honor's got to walk. |
Don't let her hear you, and the crathur II
have more heart to face the hill if she thinks
You re not inside, and that tbs only the cab
that's troubling her."
Baron R, one of the gravest and most
decorous judges on the bench, had younger
brother singularlS unlike him, who was per-
petual thorn in his side. A scapegrace at
school, the youth would learn nothing, and
was the torment of his teachers. Having
been set a sum by one of the latter, he, after
an undue delay, presented himself before the
desk and held up his slate, at one corner of
which appeared pile of coppers.
What is the meaning of all this, sir ?
said the master
On r. cried the youth, I'm very sorry,
sir. but really can't help it. All the morn
ing I've been working at that sum. Over and
over again I've tried but In spite of all l can
do, it will not come right 50 I've made up
the difference in half-pence, and here it is on
the slate.
The originality of the device dsarmed the
wrath of the pedagogue, and young R
was dismissed with his coppers to his place.
The youngster, when grown up, boasted an
enormous pair of whiskers. of which he was
very proud. One day frienu met him walk
ing up Dame street with one Of these cherish
ed bushy adornments shaved clean off giving
n most comical lop-sided appearance to his
physioenomy.
''Hollo, :" he exclaimed, ''what has
become of your whisker?'
Lost it at play, he replied. Regularly
cleaned out last night at the gaming-table of
every mortal thing had nothing left to
wager but my whiskers."
''And why. man, don't you cut off the rest,
and not have one side Of your face laughing
at the other?"
I'm keeping that for tonight said the
scamp with wink. as he passed on.
The father of the Lord Chancellor after
wards Lord Plunket-was very simple
minded man. Kindly and unsuspicious, he
was often imposed upon, and the Chancellor
used to tell endless stories illustrative of his
parents guileless nature.
One morning Mr.. Plunket, taking an early
walk, was overtaken by two respectable-look-
ing men, carpenters apparently by trade, each
carrying the implements of his work.
"Good-morning, my friends" said the old
gentleman you are early afoot Going on
job, eh 2
"Good-morrow kindly. sir, ye we are and
a quare job, too. The quarest and most out
of-the-way you ever heard of. Ill be bound,
though you've lived long i'll the world, and
an of M "a |
never guess it, your honor, SO | may AZ well
tell at once. We're going to cut the legs of
dead man..
What y cried his hearer, aghast. You
don't mean"
''Yes, indeed It's true for me and here's
how it came about Poor Mary Neil's hus-
banda carpenter like ourselves and an old
comrade- has been sick all the winter, and
departed life last Tuesday What with the
grief and the being left on the wide world
with her five orphans, and no one to earn a
bit or sup for them. the craythur is fairly ont
of her mind-stupid from the crying and the
fret /; for what does she do poor woman, but
send the wrong measure for the coffin and
when 1t came home 1t was ever so much too
short Barney Neil was a tall man /; nigh
six feet we reckoned him. He couldn't be got
into it, do what they would and the poor
craythur hadn't what would buy another
Where would she get it after the long sick
ness himself had, and with five childher to
feed and clothe? So, your honor, all that's
in it is to cut the legs off him. Me and my
comrade here is going to do it for the desc
late woman. Well just take EN- off at the
knee joints and lay them alongside him in
coffin. | think, sir. now I've told you our
job, you'll say It's the quarest you heard
of"
"Oh y cried the old gentleman, such
thing must not be done It's impossible
How much will a new coffin cost 2"
The carpenter named the sum, which was
Immediately produced, and bestowed on him
with iDjunctions to invest forthwith IN the
necessary purchase.
The business, however, took un unexpect-