The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-11-01

Inc IrOuDl6 WIFI IuhIy COlunuultlCS
Is that their dead men refuse TO be
buried By
Brass is more priced in Africa than
gold. A Chicago drummer would bring
$3.50 by dead weight.
William Tell once asked a pretty
Swiss maiden for a kiss. She replied,
ayes, but never Tell" - r.-
Moses Howe, of New Bradford, Mass,
has Just preached his eight thousanth
sermon. Holy Moses!
Lawyers are never more in earnest
than when they work with a will-that
Is, If the estate is valuable. ~ 49,
A Yorkshire woman is so clearly that
she uses two rolling pins-one for pastry
and the other for her husbands head.
Parents viii remember that old tin
cans, when pounded out, make good
patches for the most exposed parts of a
boys pants.
1t is to the credit of American chival-
~ that the wife heaters of this country
are almost without exception men OF
foreign birth.
There has been great cry made that
q chalk mark will keep ants out of food.
We have noticed the little fellows never
get in our milk.
If Joseph Cook makes a hit with his
lectur on the "Inner Life of a Newspa-
per-" we intend to deliver one on How
to Run q Church"
The undertaker's bill for burying
Theirs was . cool hundred thousand. II
the madame had any Theirs to shed she
probably shed 'em then. -s. Z
Summer is reluctant to depart She
clings like a young girl who is positive
that the clock has not yet struck ten, and
does not care If 1t has.
Conundrum: Is there anything that
can compare with the activity of baby's
toes between the hours of and on q
sleepy Sunday mornings
A young lady in tears said she had
Just left bed side. When asked if a
friend was i'll, she replied sweetly, ooh
no, 1t was an onion bed"
Any father who would go out and put
tar on top of his front gate after dark
must be lost to all sense of humanity
and ordinary respectability.
Eli Perkins gives an account of the
conversation between male and female
idiot. Eli does not mention the name
of the woman he was talking to.
"What station do you call this 81 groan-
ed traveller as he crawled out of the
wreck of a smashed-up railroad train.
Devastation" replied the conductor.
An Episcopalian clergyman who has
had his own way in his church during a
long incumbency, says he has always
been director and means to die rector.
1.-THE strongest propensity in a wo-
mans nature" says careful student of
the sex, ais to want to know what is go
ing on, and the next is to boss the job"
The Chinese at home never go visiting. ,
When one wants to see his relatives he
journeys to their abode, puts up at a
hotel, and sends for them to come over
and shake hands. tL.sf.
And now it appears that only way to
have fair boat race is to stone the
judges, egg the hackers, throw the oars
men into the water, and start the boats
out alone.
An old subscriber to 1.-THE Times
stopped his paper last Wednesday, and
The moral is a plain one, thinks Wat
kins, of Whitehall.
Clara Louise Kellogg received a dia-
mond anonymously from an admirer in
Chicago recently, and Immediately con-
the stricken south.
.DCommend us TO the woman who cheer
fully adapts herself TO the reduced cir
cumstances OF her husband, and whose
affection fits closer than French corset
or a number six glove.
1.-THE Afghan Affair." was quite tax
in & headline with lady readers, until it
was discovered that the dispatch follow
ing had no reference to patterns and diff
ferent shades of wOrsted.
Some girls up in Worcester dosed,
with sweetened flour fellow who bored
them, and made him think he had taken
arsenic. He took an emetic, and they
aresenickering yet about it.
A good woman who died in Ohio the
other day left by will the sum of STA
which she desired used ain the publica-
ton of daily religious newspaper for
one year" Innocent old soul!
Something must be done with the
tramps. Our timid citizens are so fear
full Of them that it is not uncommon tC
; see . pious deacon vending his way t.
church on Sabbath morning with {
doubled barreled shot gun in his hand, s
game-bag over his shoulder and pail
Of faithful hounds at his side.
A gray hair was espied among the "a
ven locks of a charming young lady
"Oh, pray, pull it out" she exclaimed
II pull 1t out ten more will come II
the funeral" replied the one who haC
made the unfortunate discovery. "Plucl
l. IL out, nevertheless" said the dark hair
ed damsel. ats no consequence how
many come to the funeral, provided the,
all emma IN hlarbr