The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1878-05-16
How the Deacon Surprised Ills Audi
EiFrom Puck.l

"ohoOlluI III C1lpNJh VI tillS VI dLy
other age, and the purposes to which it
may be devoted are manifold and sur
prising.
Mrs. Carmeen need no longer sit up
until midnight for late husband-that
is, late coming home. She can now
speak her lecture in the diaphragm of
the phonograph, attach one end of
cord to the crank and the other end to
the knob of her chamber-docr, and re-
tire to her downy couch with the sweet
and comforting assurance of having
"spoken her mind" where it will do
the most good. Carmeen will come
sneaking in at one a. m, as usual, and
creep stealthily up stairs, and no sooner
does he open his bedroom than that
awful telegraph will up and tell him in
his wife's well-known voice, what she
thinks of "such conduct as this" wind
ing up with the stern command: "Now
come to bed, you old fool, and don't sit
there blinking like sick OWL" And
all the time this performance is in pro-
gress, Mrs. Carmeen may be reve!ipg in
sweet dreams, in which spring bonnets
and the latest lovely thing in polonaise
predominant.
The phonograph is also capable of
playing some shabby tricks, and if
Deacon Peppers could have laid his
hands on the inventor few nights ago.
he would probably have torn him into
two thousand fragments-more or less.
The Deacon is, or rather was, good
man and a class-leader in the Browns
vile Church. He visited New York re-
Gently and wandered into an establish
ment where several monographs were
on exhibition and for sale. He became
interested in the instrument, and when
he spoke into the mouth-piece of one
of the machines and heard his own
words ground out with startling dis
tinctness he manifested his astonish-
ment in one prolonged W-h-e-wp
Then a happy thought struck him.
He usually made a brief address at
class meeting on Friday evenings, and
he suddenly conceived the idea of speak
ing his piece in the phonograph, pur
chasing the invention, and surprising
the brethren and sisters at the next
meeting. The idea was carried into
execution to some extent. The Deacon
charged the phonograph with an appro-
pirate address, and while he was bargain
ing with the owner for the Instrument,
in another part of the room, a rough,
bushy-whiskered individual, attired in
corduroy pantaloons and a speckled
shirt, slipped in unobserved and howled
lot of stuff into the same machine.
The Deacon paid for and carried off the
photograph, entirely ignorant of the
frightful sentences injected into it by
the rough person, who, as subsequent
events proved, was the intellectual
driver Of mule team, and not very
choice in his language.
The next day was Friday, and in the
evening the Deacon marched in the
church with his phonograph under his
arm, and his face illuminated with a
radiant smile.
"My friends" he continued, "I have
a little surprise for you. I do not in
tend to address you this evening I
have brought a substitute for me. This
little instrument l have here (holding
up the photography will now address
you briefly on your duty to the Church
and to suffering humanity"
Then the Deacon, with smile extend
ing from ear to ear, gave the crank a
couple of turns, and all the color faded
from his face as the phonograph thun-
dered forth.
"Git up there, you dashed old Grip
pie! Whoa, Sal! you blind"
1t was awful.
The hair of the brothers in the front
pews stood straight up; sister in the
back part of the house tainted dead
awav, and the sexton yelled "Fire!'
"There-is-some-te mistake
herep' gasped the Deacon, after few
{ minutes of painful silence. "I must
have turned the crank the wrong way
or maybe the Inch pin is loose, or the
safety-valve has lost screw or some
thing" And, perspiring at every pore
the Deacon essayed another turn, and
the machine yelled:
"Gee, Bill! Where in the dashna
! nation are you going, you son of mule
! Peddi-whoa-a-a! Blast your eyes, cam
you"
The awfulness became more awful.
Three more sisters tainted, severa
: brothers clapped their hats on thei
heads and their fingers into their ears
I and started for the door shouting Pc
e licep and the sexton hallooed "Mur
t der!" while the Deacon wildly clutchet
S the phonograph by the neck and choket
it till it was black in the face, and it
n eyes bulged out an inch.
n But twas no use. The internal al
n rangements of the machine were evi
e IDENTIFY demoralized, and the cylinde
a continued to revolve, grinding out tn
e most frightful language ever heard out
j. side of political ward convention
- and when the audience were salute
with "I'll knock your dashed brins out
= you long-eared-" they didn't wait fo
s. the remainder of the address," bu
e got up as one man-and one woman
e and made dash for the door in decid
d edly panic-stricken manner. The Des
+ con, with his face the color of small
II pox flag, threw the phonograph over tn
If pulpit, sprang after it and kicked
d down the aisle into the street, wher
8. the sexton smashed it with an ak just 8
the Deacon's address began to issue froI
- its mouth-piece, and then placed it III
:. der the hydrant and let stream {
Il water run on it all night.
a. A committee was appointed on tn
n spot to investigate what appeared to
r r the Deacon's highly improper and pail
~ full conduct, and that well-meaning pc
~ srn has concluded to move West an
Il grow up with the country.
L