Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1878-10-25
Whole Number 1903.
IEe NentEaton Eland.

The world is at peace. Ever since
fresh air was invented has the earth
been cursed with people who fancied
themselves appointed TO ladle out vast
volumes, serial cataracts, chilling tor
rents of fresh air, to nervous, timid, deli
cate people who don't want pint of it.
The ventilation idiot; who has not seen
him? Who has not suffered at his pitt
less handsP Who has not longed to kill
him? He haunts the railway train, and
makes his dwelling in the church; he
goes to the theatre; he inVades your
offices; he tramples on the sanctity of
your home, and wherever he goes and
wherever he comes, he brings with him
blasts from Greenland and theories from
the stormy caves Of Eolus. And he
sweeps down upon you and your peace,
and your tranquil home like a tornado,
and he oVerWhelms you with fresh air
until you want to suhocate. How you
do hate him, the man whose hobby is
ventilation.
He dresses always in the manner
peculiar to his tribe, does the fresh-air
idiot. He wears two pairs of Woolen
stockings and heavy cork-soled boots (;
two suits Of flannel underwear, a cham
OAo NCoS EAObCCOOAg u OOuDl6 klllb Jacket.
WOolen vest, lined pantaloOns that
weigh about eighteen pounds, and AREAS
imperYious to air as a rubber blanket /;
double breasted coat, fur gloves and a
seal skin cap, pulled down over mis- ears.
Thus attired, it is the delight Of his own
ideal soul to meet you some bracing Sep
tember morning, and regard, with a fixed
stare and wild howl of derision. you in
your fall suit and light Overcoat. OFF
with it, man" he yells, shifting his chest
with his buried hands. "0f with it
Why, bless my soul, I haven't worn an
Overcoat for more than ten years What
do you want with an oVercoat? Brace
upl inhale the fresh air! fill your lungs
with it, till it makes your nerves tingle
with natural, health-growing, glowing
warmth" And he tries to drag you off
for bleak walk down by the edge of the
r1ver, and it is all you can doto get away
from HIM, and when you do, he goes off
sneering at men who can't stand little
bracing November air and have to muff
up in oVercoats, and as he goes peYspIr-
ing down the street, you know that if you
muff1ed up in half the amount Of raiment
he carries, you would smother in
minute.
He bangs in upon you in your office.
You are costly fixed at your work. You
have on light Office coat and your slip
pers, and your Office is warm and COM
Portable In comes the man with the
ventilation hobby, fresh from out doors,
mufled to the ears as usual. "WhoOf p
he snorts, looking wildly around him,
"what an ovenI Don't you know you
are killing yourself in here? WheW !
this air comes from lime-kiln. 1t dries
up my lungs like parchment" And he
leaves the door wide open and torrent
of ICY wind rushes in and bathes your
slippered feet in a chill that doesn't
leave them for a week, he brushes across
the office and opens a window. on your
back thatmakes you shudder hours after
you are asleep that night; he closes the
draft and opens the stove door, and then
sits close behind it, out of the draft he
has opened on you, and tells you how
warm and how comfortable he is, and
how he never permits his room to get so
hot as yours was when he came into it.
He deluges you with his twaddle about
fresh air and ventilation, and doesn't go
away and let you alone until he has
caught you a cold that will last you all
winter, cost you 1926 for medical ser
vices, and then kill you in the spring.
He sits down beside you in the rail-
way car as soon as he sees you take OF
your evercoat, makes you sit next to the
window, and then opens it on you. If
he hears you cough he tries to pull of
your muffler. He runs his finger down
your back to see if you wear hannels,
and howls his discovery in derisiFe &C
cents to the bystanders, and makes you
feel uncomfortable and efeminate. He
pursues you with chilling drafts and icy
deluges of east wind. He is nuisance
OF huisances. Wicked men swear at
him. Christians hate him, humanity
fears him and would like to Kill him.
BtErliEOtOp HaWb-ENe.