Smyrna times., 1878-09-11
a Wooden Leg.

A man came into Browns grocery store
the other night while | was there, and the
conversation ensued. The man
said: Mr.. Brown, you don't want to buy
a first rate wooden leg do you? I've got
one that I've been wearing for two or
three years, and l went to sell it. Pm
hard up for money, and although Pm at
tached to that leg, I'm willing to part with
it SOS l kin get the necessaries of life.
Legs are all well enough; they are handy
to have around the house, and all that
but a man must attend to his stomach if
he has to walk about on the small of his
back. Now Pm going to make you an
offer. That leg is Fairchild's patent; steel
springs, india-rubber joints, elastic toes and
everything, and it's in better order than it
was when I bought it. It'd be comfort
to any man. It's the most luxurious leg |
ever came across. If seraphic bliss kin
ever be reached by a man anywhere this
side of the tomb it belongs to the person
who gets that leg on and feels conscious
ness creeping over his soul that it is his'n.
Consequently | say that when | offer it to
you, when l give you the first shy at it,
I'm doing a personal favor and think |
see you jump at the chance and want to
clinch the bargain before mention-you'll |
hardly believe it, | know-that I'll actually |
knock that leg down to you at four
hundred dollars Four hundred, did | say (? |
| meant six hundred; but let it stand. |
never back out when | make an offer ; !
but it's just throwing that leg away, it is |
indeed" " But don't want an artificial
leg" said Brown. "The beautiful thing
about the limb" said the stranger, pulling
sis that it is reliable. You kin depend on it.
It's always there. Some legs that I've seen
are treacherous. Most always some of the
strings bursting out, or the joints working
backward, or the toes turning down and
ketching in things. Regular frauds. But
it's almost pathetic the way this leg goes
on year in and year out like an old faith
full friend, never knowing an ache or a
pain, no rheumatism, nor any such truck
as that; but always good-natured, and
ready to go out of its way to oblige YOU.
A man feels like man when he gets such
a thing under him. Talk about your kings
and emperors and millionaires, and all that
sort of jackassery Which of 'em's got
leg like that? Which of 'em kin unscrew
his knee pan and look at gum thingamyjigs
in his calf? Which of 'em kin leave his
leg downstairs in the entry on the hat
rack, and go to bed with only one cold
foot? There's only one man kin buy that
|
so bad that I'll deed it to you for so dollars
down. Awful, isn't it? Just throwing it
away; but take it, take it, if it does make
my heart bleed to see it 90 out of the
family" Really l have no use for such
a thing" said Mr.. Brown. "You can't
Think" urged the stranger, "what a bene-
l diction u leg like that is in q family.
} When you don't want to walk with it, it
comes into play for the children to ride
/. horsey on; or you can take it off and stir
+, the fire with it in way that would depress
? the spirits Of man with real leg II
makes the most efficient potato.masher you
e ever saw. Work it from the second joint
and i2t the knee kinder swing loose, and
;, you kin tack carpets perfectly splendid
with the heel. It's perfectly lovely. Nov
you're probably afeard of dogs? When yor
: see one approaching you always changt
your base, and may be shin up a tree o
n something | don't blame you | used t.
;, be that way before l lost my homemade
l leg But you decorate yourself with thi
l. gorgeous artificial extremity and then wha
do you care for dogs? If million of 'en
d came a cohorting at you what's the odds
l. You merely stand still and smile, and slim
l out your spare leg, and let 'em chaw, lie
Is them fool with that as much as they've
y mind to, and howl, and carry on, for yo
d don't care a cent. An that's the reaso
'e why l say that when l reflect on how in
posing you'd be as the chief engineer {
}" such a leg, l feel like saying that if you il
L sist on offering only dollar and half fc
1T it, why, take it it's yours. I'm not tn
: kinder man to stand on trifes. I'll tax
it off and wrap it up in paper for you, sha
e, II" "Pm sorry" says Brown, "but til
at fact is, l have no use for it. I've got tw
le good legs already. If ever lose one, VIII,
ot may be then I'll -" II don't think yo
II; exactly catch my idea on the subject
I'd said the stranger. "Now, any man ca
is have meat and muscle leg. They are
ID common as dirt. It's disgusting ho
lis monotonous people are about such thing
d. But take you for man who wants to /
original. You have style about you. Yc
g. 60 it alone, as it were. Now, if had yol
n peculiarities, do you know what I'd do
I'd get a leg snatched off someway, SOS
III could waltz around on this one. Or, if yc
he hate to go to the expense of amputatio
In why not get your pantaloons altered, ar
ut mount this beautiful work of art Just
OF you stand. You wabble around this cor
munity on three legs, and your fortune
an made. People will 60 wild over you as ii
re three-legged grocer; the nation will glo
ng in you; Europe will hear of you you W
l." be heard of from pole to pole. Now, loo
he at it in that way, and if it strikes you,
nd tell you what I'll do. I'll actually sw.
tea that imperishable log off to you for tl
yer pounds of water-crackers and tin cup fl
dr. of Jamaica rum. Is it go?" Then Brov
"a; weighed out the crackers, gave him
he awful drink of rum, and told him if
est would take them as a present and quit
no would confer favor. And he did. Aft
de- emptying the-crackers in his pockets, al
Tho smacking his lips over the rum, he went
all, the door, and as he opened it he sal
"Good-bye. But if you ever really
want leg, Old Reliable is ready for W
VS.. It's yours. l consider that you've got
ms mortgage on it, and you kin foreclose a
,ut. time. dedicate this leg to you. My "
the shall mention it, and if you don't need
for when | die, l am going to put it in
,ro. savings bank to draw interest until y
,vs. check it out. Good evening. Mac Ade
isa-
pro- A gentleman who employs a great nu
rip ber of hands in mandatory in the W
of England, in order to encourage his We
people in due attendance at church
,r- a fast day, told them that if they went
lied church they would receive their wages
Won that day. in the same manner as if ii
j. y had been at work. Upon which depr
AXE ton was appointed to acquaint their {
wife ployer that, "if he would pay them for
hours, they would attend likewise at
Methodist chapel in the eveningp
ntly ~'-
with A thorn in the bush is worth dozer