The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1878-12-12
Wit and HumOr.

EMILY Is Cdllcu II DOIu Gu
itor." All editors are born.
TRUE friendship grows stronger with
age. The same remark applies to butter
BLUE blood and royal birth can't save
mans hair. The Prince of Wales is
growing bald.
TIMES are getting better. This is in
stanced by the fact that the days are not
SO ''short" as they were.
IT is strange that every city in the West
should want the mint when it is such
hard work to make money.
WIDOWS above fifty cannot marry in
Portugal. The law is designed as pro-
lection for aged and innocent bachelors.
A Swiss tourist alarmed his friends by
writing home that he was "goiug to Burn"
He did not allude to incarceration, but
meant Berne.
A KANSAS editor complains that it amt
the fair thing to make man come down
with fifteen cents for two fingers of
whisky, when corn is selling at dime IA
bushel in that State.
DOES your sister Aunie ever say any
thing about me, sissyt' asked an anxious
lover of little girl. YES" was the reply /;
"she said if you had rockers on your
shoes they'd make a nice cradle for my
doll"
Mrs. PARTINGToN' remark concerning
going to church is so timely as to be
worthy of repetition now. Nothing
does me SO much good,' said she, "as to
go to church and hear Il populous pasture
dispense with the gospel"
A GEORGETOWN, Mass, man has been
absent from home without having been
heard from for over twenty years, and
has Just returned. His folks say they
should have begun to worry about him
if he had stayed much longer.
How strangely joy and sorrow are in
terwoven in this world. Pain chases
pleasure like champion pedestrian, and
the sweet tears shed 10y the maple tree in
spring time crystalized into sugar will
give an infant the stomach ache equal to
a doctors bill of 80.
ONE night the master of the house over
heard an exchange of kisses in the cor
ridor. He struck a match and discovered
the cham bermaid and the valet. She
blushed, held down her head, and said ::
~ thought it was you, sir, had encoun-
red."-Pdris Letter.
"GoING to call on young lady, sup
pose?' the barber asked. The young man,
with much dignity, replied See here,
my friend, do you suppose | put per
fumery on my mustache because I'm
going to see a man, or a boy, or an old
woman, or a baby in armsi'
"MARIA," observed Mr.. Holcomb, as
he was putting on his clothes, there ain t
no patch on them breeches yet" 81
can't fix it now, no way I'm too busy"
"Wcll, give me the patch then an I'll
carry it around with me. | don't want
people TO think cant afford the cloth"
civilian" observed a Milwaukee wo-
man to her husband, Mrs. Holcomb feels
pretty badly now, since the loss Of her
child, and | wish you would drop over
there and see her. You might say that
all flesh is grass; that we've all got to 60
the same way, and see if she's going to
use her dripping pan this afternoon"
TALLYRAND was bored for his autograph
by dull English nobeman. At last he
sent the following invitation: "Dear
Lord -: will you oblige me with
your company to dinner on Wednesday
next at eight o'clocki | have invited a
number of exceedingly clever people and
do not like to be the only fool among
them"
FIVE TIMES A WIDow.-A person re-
Gently met an American lady who is dis
tinguished as having been five times a
widow, and has now again entered the
g ~; al
81 think once had the pleasure of din
ing with you in New York" 'WhenW
asked the fair stranger. "ln 1856" he
replied. Yes" she said, rehectively,
"that may be SO; but had forgotten it.
You see" she added, ait was too or
three husbands ago.
A WITTY actor invited party of gen
tlemen to dine with him. The hour ar
rived, and, with one exception, so had
the guests. 1--WE may as well begin"
said the host; *. is sure to come, and
he would rather We did not wait for him."
upon which the company sat down, and
were just finishing the soup when the
card of the missing guest was handed to
the host. A sudden inspiration of fun
led him to propose that before the gen.
tleman came in they should all get under
the table. Without an objection, and
trusting to the wit for some comical de-
nouement, the unsuspecting men hur
riedly crept under the table and awaited
results, totally ignorant of the fact that
their wicked host had not followed their
example, but had quietly continued at
his soup. The belated guest came in full
of an apology for his tardipess. Don't
mention it," said the other, sit isn't of