The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1878-10-12
NUMBER 26.
PASSING SMILES.

Jug lrOlu kuOWltuSt anu WlSuou hho
thinking he has both.
The government now proposes to
weigh whisky, instead of gauging 1t, and
| individuals will now be heard calling to
har-keepers: "Another half pound of
that ere Bourbon. Free Press.
| A BosToN young man married against
the wishes of his parents, and, in telling
friend how to break the news to them,
said: "Tell them first that Pm dead,
and gently work up to the climax"
A MAN went down town the other day
and sat about half through for portrait.
Then he went to picnic with his thin
pants on and got cold which swelled
his jaw 30 that when he went again his
picture didn't fit.-Bridgeport Standard.
DIoaENEs, being presented at feast
with goblet of wine, threw it on the
ground. When blamed for wasting so
much good liquor, he answered; Had
l drunk it, there would have been a
double waste---I as well as the wine
would have been lost"
A GREEN Middletown boy invited
three girls into confectionery, where
he said he would buy them something.
He bought penny ball of popcorn and
divided it between them. When he.told
of it he said he treated the girls, and it
didn't cost him much either.
EDWARD LooNER resides in Phila-
delphia. And this suggests a frightful
conundrum, to-wit: What is the differ
ence between the alleged planet Vulcan
and this Philadelphia gentleman? One
is lunar mystery and the other is a
Mr. T.. Looner.--Noyristoto Herald.
ACTIVITY.
TIE torrent wave that breaks with force
Impetuous down the Alpine height
Complains and struggles In Its course.
But sparkIes as the diamond bright.
The stream, In shadowy valley deep,
May sumber in Its narrow bed,
But silent in unb oxen sleep
Its luster and It's life are fled.
A FARMER who lives twelve miles out
of Boston drove into the city with lead
Of hens in coops arriving at the market
about sunrise, and found row Of fowls
under the wagon on pole connecting
the two axles. They had roasted there,
and retained their hold during the long
ride
YUNa man, perhaps yu had better be
a munky than philosopher; if yu play
the munky well, mankind will look upon
themselves rs superior to yu and toss yu
hafis and quarters, but If you play the
philosopher they will konsider yu SUI
perior to them and shun yu ackordinly.
Josh Billings.
AN Englishman was bQasting 70, a
Yankee that they had book in the
British Museum which was once owned
by Cicero. ooh, that amt nothin',"
retorted the Yankee; in the museum
in Boston they've got the lead-pencil
that Noah used to check off the animals
that went into the ark"
CHATS very stupid brute of yours,
John" said Scottish minister to bis
parishioner, the peat-dealer, who drove
his merchandise from door to door in a
small cart drawn by donkey; | never
see you but the creature is braying.'
"Ah, SIR" said the peat-dealer, rye ken
the hearts warm when friends meet"
HERE is what was sung recently at a
religious meeting of colored men in the
South:
"If you see Peter asleep at de gate.
Kase da night befo' he was up late
You needn't 'spect, with your load of sin,
Dat you'll slip past him, and steal right I'M
Dey know you here and dey' Il know you dar"
"ThERE are no circumstances under
which honesty and integrity of purpose
will not stand man in good stead, !"
saws some philosopher; but we would
like to know how it will help the man
who finds himself suddenly forced to
associate with bulldog in an orchard
with a high fence around it.-Broak-
fast Table.
"WHAT news to-day {" said amerchant
to his friend, lately. What newsW
responded the other. Nothing, only
things grow better-people are getting
on their legs again" son their legs?"
said the first. II don't see how you
can make that out" "Why, yes" re-
piled the other; I" folks that used to ride
are obliged to walk now; is not that
getting on their legs againp
A LONDON medical journal gives an
account of school of beauty" which
has been established in that city, the
members pledging themselves to do
everything in their power to render
with false teeth and glass eye can do
much in that direction, is conundrum
we cannot attempt to answer Break
fast Table.
A GENEROUS New Yorker, who has
been spending his summer in Montgom-
cry, lost his pocket-book, containing four
hundred and forty dollars, on the road
to Westfield the other day. 1t was
found by the stage-driver and returned
to the Yorker, who counted it over and
said: " Yes, it's all here. Much obliged
I'll speak of your honesty to my New
York friends. "-Springfeld Republican,
WHY are baseball players like cooks
Because they make good batters.- Ncu
York Mail And like porcelain, because
they make beautiful pitchers. And like
the man of the period, because they
make long stops. And like tavern
keepers, because they depend on theiI
innings. And like Myron Whitney
because they are base-bawlers. And like
first-class lunatics because because
why because they arel-P Philadelphia
Bulletin. s.
PApAws, Pumpkins, Persimmons, Peas
Pears, Partridges, Pheasants, Plums
Potatoes, Politicians, Proud People
Pick pockets, Pleasant Parties, Picnics
Possums, Pains, PecuniaIy Papas, Pau
pers, Preachers, Profanity, Perjurers
Parted Parents, Participations Of Pleas
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