The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1878-09-26
PASSING SMILES.

up thereY Are they little drops of
SUM-"
THE miser who boarded his money in
a vase said he did it because he believed
in the saying, ttUrn your money before
you spend it."
The English language is inadequate
to express the forlorn feelings of the
boy who thinks he has stolen a dime
novel, and finds it to be cook book.
A MAN can board week, it is said,
for two dollars in China, but, like other
cheap countries to live in," there is
one little drawback-the difficulty of
getting the two dollars.
MONDAY dabbled in stock operations;
Tuesday owned millions, by all calculations;
Wednesday my Ehth-avenue palace began;
And Saturday "a smashed I" with nothing at ALL
EIGHT masked robbers stopped rail-
road train in the West the ether day.
As the train contained an excursion
party of editors, the only loss was loss
of time to the robbers.-Norristoacn
Herald
DEACON JONES, just deceased, had a
very red nose His widow thought 1t
rather personal in the minister to begin
his funeral discourse: ":Another shin
ing light has been taken from our con-
gregation." -.-.,.
SOME writer has aptly remarked:
"Take company of boys chasing but
terfies, putlong-ta ceats on the boys,
and turn the butterflies into half
crowns, and you have a fine panorama
of the world.
IT was thought to be a big thing in
ancient times when Ajax threw off his
ulster and defed the lightning, but now
almost any man raises thunder if his
dinner is cold, and the poets never say
a word about it..
"AND things are not what they seem, +"
sings the poet. That's 50. 1t seems as
though the mosquito would light on
your Iefr.auricle, but by the time your
hand gets there he is chanting his hymn
at the other cavity e-sg7r~et Is a
I A NOTED Thames oarsman says he
drinks every day, a quart of milk, and
to this practice he ascribes his great
muscular strength. He is looked upon
as a great light by his fellow-boatmen-
| in fact, star in the milky way. '-9@of
THERE are some very fine orchestras
in this city, but none whose music is
sweet enough to keep the boys from go-
ing out after coffee grains between the
acts. It takes very able orchestra to
overcome the appetite for parched coffee
and lemon peel.-Breakfast Table, 1
NoTHINa destroys the appetite so
quickly as the announcement that
Smith, of whom you have just agreed to
accept ten cents on the dollar, is going
| to Europe with his family to spend a
IL -ol,o l.
there is no such word as fail.
1T is lamentable fact that piece of
pasteboard with a verse On it, given as a
reward of merit in a Sabbath school,
has not half the charm for a boy as the
same size piece of pasteboard with the
| simple talismanic words, "Admit one" +"
--Breakfast Table.
+ "JoHNNY," said sporting Third
Ward father, g Johnny, what have you
got in your fist" 1.-TWO pears" said
/ Johnny. Good hand" said the alb
sent.minded parent, take the pot
| then he blushed, and pointing to a
brass-kettle, added, I" to your mother. p
KeokuE Constitution.
AT an exhibition of pictures, baker
and facetious friend were examining
/ picture with number of rocks in the
foreground. Quoth Batchy: Thae
| rocks are like humps O dough"
"Weel," said his friend, you shouldns
I find fault WI that. when the puir chiel
o. a painter makes his bread out O
them" 80 81 f51Es
The human heart is strange creation
That which we have we prize least, thai
which we have not we most desire, and
Az
night man will pass ice-water by with
disdain and give his most loyal service
to old Bourbon, but next morning the
ice-water is at a big um.-Bredk
fast Table. ni~ - '-27E liT 20
that devilish ingenuity which sug-
gested hanging scythes in trees isproba
bly, gratifed by the fact that a Sand.
1 Hook boy has had his head cut open by
!, one of them. When a scythe is not in
use, it should be buried in deep trencl
, in some piece of woods, and guard O
armed men should be kept around th'
woods. Ddnbury Neees. sAi " asa
IT AN Evanston beau toook his sweet
= heart to ball in Chicago, last week
and seeing some candy in store b
, purchased dimes worth, and return
) ing to the ballroom, with his pocket
!, filed with. the candy, remarked to hi
! inamorata, as he swallowed the delicat'
morsels: "May, if you knowed ho1
good these is, you'd buy you a dime
/ wuth, tool"
/. YESTERDAY morninga boy climbed u
into one of the naples on. Fifth street
: far as he could go, and then tried to G
4 on a little farther. The limb yielded
snapped, and down he came, crashin
e through the bough like a tornado, an
: dropping on. the ground with q thum
i. like bass drum. A passing citizen sa
him.fall, and with cry of horror ran
pick him up. To him the boy, slowl
assuming an erect posture and walkin
, off with assumed dignity, said: " Yo
" needn't holler, you old fool, YOU didn
make me do it, and you couldn't tnelther.
-Brlington HaWkeye.
THERE are some queer absurdities
II the postal laws of this country, and
man with keen sense of the incongrl
n GUS wrote to the Post-office Departme1
the other day, directing attention to
= few of them. He called attention
the fact-which everybody knew, b'
s which nobody had ever viewed in e,
actly the light in which he placed it
T. that an expert penman can write Sc
eral hundred words on postal card al
il send it to California for one cent. Ye
if he pastes one word of printed matt
E. on it, the postage is increased to S
cents. He can print the same word or
q thousand words (if he caD like it upt
the card itself, and it will be carried f
,e one cent. lThen he can paste the ca
" all over with. printed matter, pat it in
an spen- -enyelopa address-the enyetop
TX and it will go for one cent. The ca
N and envelope viii go for five cents le
than the postage on the card alone. I
ia points out other incongruities almost
as striking as this.-M r. Graphic.
L -, - = = - !,