The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1878-07-18
PASSING SMILES.

every danger when the best men in the
country do not strive to take their
proper place in the direction of affairs"
WE are glad to learn, even at this late
day, that Thomas Jefferson would turn
aside rather than step on a bumblebee.
He was barefooted when he felt that
way, of course.
A FAMOUS artist once painted an angel
with six toes. "Who ever saw an angel
with six toes?' they inquired. "Who
ever saw one with less ?" was the counter
question. That settled the argument.
PRoMETHEUs chained to the rock oc-
cupied an enviable position compared
with the Congressman who is compelled
to remain in Washington while some
rival is stealing his district away from
him.
Bro. JASPER has tied his faith to the
belief. that the five wise virgins were
males, because the Bible don't intimate
anywhere between its "kivers" that
women ever had any gumption."-
Breakfast Table.
THE wise man makes equity and JUS
tice the basis of all his conduct. The
right forms the rule of his behavior,
Difference and modesty mark his ex-
terror, sincerity and fidelity serve him
for accomplishments.
THERE are two brothers on West Hill
who look so much alike they can not
tell each other apart, and one day last
week, when John was raging like vol
cano with the toothache, Henry went
down to DIR. Wilson's and had six teeth
pulled.
WE do not please Heaven more by
eating bitter aloes than by eating honey.
A cloudy, foggy, rainy day is not more
heavenly than day of sunshine. A
funeral march is not SO much like the
music of angels as the song Of birds on
May morning.
The latest sentimental agony in songs
is tender ballad beginning,
"Who will come above me signing,
When the grass grows over me?'
We can't say, positively, who, but if
the cemetery fence is in the usual repair,
it will probably be the cow.-Hawkeye.
"ANoTHER old citizen gone" We
saw him only this morning, too-with
rod over his shoulder. His step was
firm and elastic, his cheeks blooming
with health, and his pistol pocket bulg-
ing out with receptacle containing
bait or something. And now he's gone
gone a-fshing.
DIR. MCALIsTER, of Mississippi, has
invented a new gun which shoots four
thousand bullets per minute. We shall
now keep close eye on the telegraph
news to see whether it will take the gov
ernment over three weeks to armall the
Indians with this excellent weapon
BreaAt fast Table.
The students of Jefferson Medical
College, Philadelphia, Indignantly deny
that toilet soap is made of their "sub-
jects when they get through with
them. This is reassuring, and Phila-
| delphian can go into the bath now with
out the horrible fear that he will rub
his legs with his grandmother.
SUCH paragraphs as this from the st.
Louis Journal, are enough to make sot
| out of fellow: THAT Olive-street hen
that has been setting for six months on
porcelain eggs, provided by her unsus-
pecting mistress, at six o'clock every
morning nowadays plaintively sings,
This is the way long have sot. ,"
PROF. KNowLToN, of San Francisco,
| spells potato Observation-Disclosures" I"
according to the following rules: g Gh
stands for p, as you'll find from the last
letters in hiccough. Ough stands for o,
as in dough. Phth stands for t, as in
| phthisis. Eigh stands for a, as in neigh
bor. TIE stands for t, as in gazette, and
eau stands for o, as in beau"
| CONVERSATION between an inquiring
stranger and steamboat pilot: "That
is the Black Mountain ?'' Yes, sir /;
highest mountain above Lake George"
"Any story or legend connected with
that mountain ?" "Lots of 'em. Two
lovers went up that mountain once and
never came back again" "Indeedl Why,
what became of them?' event down
on the other side."
/ THE sERENADE.
| "Wbat sweet sounds waken me from sleep,
From happy dreams fain would keep?
| o, mother dear, look out, pray,
| And see whs comes SO late this way.
Nothing see Noteing hear!
| So go to sleep again, my dear.
One comes no more with serenade
To you feeble, suffering maid"
"Not earthly music do hear
Sounding so heavenly and so near;
1t is the angels clothed in white,
| Calling me home Mother, goodnight"
DIR. WILSON, the late worthy Bishop
of Sodor and Man, sent once for his
tailor to make him cloak, and de
sired it might have only one loop and
button. The tailor submitted to hi
venerable customer that if that fashion
should become general, the button
makers would starve. "Do you say so
John?" replied the Bishop, whose reye
nues did not exceed s300 a year. "TheI
: button it all over"
"MAXIMs is what ails me-" he said t.
the po ice judge. Maxims busted m,
wide open" The court said it wouls
like an explanation before fixing th'
6ne. "Well, your honor" said the pris
] oner, g drank rye whisky and didn'
get drunk. remembered that maxim
TRY, try again. 1 tried rye again
"Here, that's enough of that" thun
dered the court, " this amt no circu
ring. Ten dollars and costs"
! AFTER dinner orator: cts in tn
$ wonderful insight inter 'uman natur
+ that Dickens gets the pull over Thacs
!. cray; but, on t'other hand, it's in tn
r brilliant shafts O. satire, t'gether wit
+ the keen sense of humor. that Dicker
|. gets the pull over Thackens. It's Jus
4 this, Thickery is the humorist, an
Dakins is the satirist. But, after al
: it 'bsurb to instoet any comparison b
: tween Dackery and Thickens."
It ALDERMAN SKINNER, whom the sa
IS irical Peter Pindar celebrated as a ma
"who, with a hammer and conscience clear,
20 Gets glory and ten thousand pounds year"
d distinguished himself when Sheriff {
y London by several judicious regulation