New Ulm weekly review. [volume] (New Ulm, Minn.) 1878-1892, 1878-07-24
Josh Billings to the Girls.

Josh Billings to the Girls.
Dear girls, are you in search of hus-
band?
That is q pumper, and you are not re-
quested to say "yes" out loud, but are ex-
pekted tew throw yure eyes down onto
the earth as though you wuz looking for
a pin, and reply tew the interrogatory
with kind Of draulin sigh.
Not tew press so tender theme until
it becomes thorn in the flesh, we will
presume, tew avoid argument, that you
are on the lookout for sumthing IN the
mail line. Let me give you sum small
chunks ov advice how tew spot yure flu
ture husband:
1. The man who is jelllus ov every
little attenshun which yu get from some
other Teller, you will find after yu are
married tew him he will luv himself more
than he duz yu, and what yu mistook for
Substitute yu will discover haz changed
to indifference.
Jellusy isn't a heart diseze: 1t is a liver
complaint.
2. A mustache is not Indispensable; it is
only a little more hair, and much like
moss and other excresences--o often duz
the best on sile that won't raise anything
else. Don't forget that those things
which yu admire in fellow before mar
riagc y11 will probably dislike in a hus-
band after, all a mustache will get to be
a very weak diet after long time
g. If husbands could be took on trial
as Irish cooks are, tWo-thirds Of them
would probably be returned; but there
don't seem to be emmy law for this. There
fore, girls, WI will see that after WI git a
man you have got to keep hum, even if
yu luze on him. consequently, if yu
have got emmy kold vitles in the house,
try him on them once and while during
securing season, and if he swalers them
and SEE he will take some more, he is a
man who, when blue Monday kums, will
wash we'll.
4. Don't marry pheller who is alw us
tellin how hiz mother duz things. It il
tew hard to wean yung one.
5. 1t a young man can beat you play
ing on the pianner, and can't hear fish
horn playing on the street without turn
ing summerset on account cf the musick
that is in him, I say to leave him; he
might answer to tend babe, but If you set
him hoeing out in the garden. you will
find that you have got to do it yourself:
A man whose whole life lies in musick
(and net too hefty at that amt no better
than a seedlitz powder; but if he luvs to
listen while you sing sum gentle ballad,
yu will find him mellow and not soft
But don't marry ennybody just for one
virtew emmy quicker than yu would flop
a man for just enc fault.
6. 1t is one ov the most tuffest things
for a female to be all Cid maid successful
ly A great many has tried it, and made
bad job ov it, and had a hard time
Every body seems to look upon old maids
as just they do upon dried herbs in the
garret-handy for sickness and, THEREFORE,
gi-ls, it ain't mistake that yu shud be
willing to swop yourself oph with some
true hearted phellow for husband.
The swop may be a good one: but don't
swop for any man who is respectable
just because hiz father il. You had bet
ter be an old maid for four thousand
years and then join the Shakers than tew
buy repentance at this price. No woman
ever made this trade who didn't get 3
phool, mean kuss or clown for hus-
band.
Z. In digging down into this subject,
find the digging goes harder the further
get. It is much easier tew inform WI
who not tew take, for the recon there is
more ov them.
I don't think you will follow my adj
vice, if give it; and therefore, | will
keep it. for look upon castor ola mean
dose to give and mean dose to take.
If you can fnd a bright-eyed, well-bal-
lasted boy, who looks upon poverty az
sassy az child looks upon wealth who
had rather sit down on the curbstone of
the 5th avenue hotel and eat ham sand
witch rather than go inside and run in
debt for his dinner and toothpick, and
who is a man with that sort of pluck that
mistakes defeat for victory, my adj
vice is to take him body and soul. snare
him at onst, for he is a stray trout a
breed very skarse in our waters.
Take him, | say, and bid onto hin. as
hornets bid on tree.
The Indian or Brahmin bull, often
called the zebu, extends over southern
Asia and the Eastern Islands, is also
found in Eastern Africa, AID is common
to the northwest Himalays. They are
venerated by the Hindus, who object to
slaughtering them, but use them in har-
ness, and they will travel about thirty
miles a day. These oxen have pendulous
ears, and are distinguished by a fatty,
elevated hump upon the withers, which
sometimes weighs fifty pounds, and when
properly cooked is said to be delicious.
The flesh Of the animal is not, howeyer,so
nalatahla az that of. the common ny q.