The Daily clarion. [volume] (Jackson, Miss.) 1866-1888, 1878-02-26
Report of the House Commftsee
ON Hell.


Mr. SPEAKER-Yonr special committee ap-
pointed on former day of this term TO ascer-
tain whether in truth there is an eternal hell.
would respectfully report, as follows
TINS investigation has been tended with
no ordinar, difficulty Many well-disposed
persons have so hedged in this subject ma tier
with long worn opinions, and have so invested
1t with quasi sanctity, that they have felt.
honestly no doubt, their duty TO be, to impede
as far as lay in their power by expressions of
adverse opinion, legislative investigation of
matter that is now readily admitted for dis
cussion not only into the public prints. but
also into every social circle in the land, and
even into the very. pulpits of the most ortho-
dox churches With these weli-dispesed per-
sons your committee does not intend to en- age
In any polemics, always reserving unto our
selves the right to believe, after patient and
careful reading of the Holy Scriptures, that
the investigation is nowhere therein inter
dicted, and that the matter under censidera.
tion, whether it be place or condition. is as
legitimate subject of Investigation as is
Egypt or Arabia, or any other place mention
ed in Holy Writ
In the absence of an appropriation bv the
Legislature to pay travelling expenses. YOUR
committee deemedit advisable to make appli-
cation to the authorities of the Great Interna-
tional Underground Railway, for free passes.
This application was denied for the reason
as asserted by the Superintendent of the
line, that the Grand High Conclave
now In session, in the ancient halls of Pande-
monium, had recently enacted a statute pro-
viding that the offering or receiving of free
pass should hereafter be felony without hene-
fit of clergy.
To palliate our disappointment the Super
lntendent Informed the committee that he
would himself gladly defray the expenses of
the transportation of the committee from his
own purse, but for the reason that his salary
had been recently so reduced that it was i'm
possible for him to indulge in his wonted
liberality He stated further, that there was
great financial depression in his country, and
great poverty and suffering among the people
and he greatly feared that no traces of the
dawnlng of a better day were vet discernable
for that, the General Assembly having now
been In session for some months industriously
engaged in the discharge of their public
duties, were about to adjourn without having
repealed certain obnoxious law, copied from
the Statutes of Mississippi, known to the
earlier inhabitants of that State as the Lien
Law, now long since repealed, which law, he
gravely asserted, would speedily bankrupt
hell.
Baf1ed thus in our endeavor to reach the
scene OF our investigation, your committee
for the first time in all their checkered expe-
rieDce, entertained doubt of the correctness
of the Horatian adage, Fdcite descensus 4 verni"
The liberal and intelligent ideas held by the
high functlonary above mentioned, led us to
believe that visit to this" ancient realm
might not only solve the vexed question now
agitatlng the public mind on earth, but might
also afford an opportunity for learning some
valuable lessons in political economy and
statecraft, which your committee on its return
might communicate advantageously to this
House.
Trusting for reimbursement, to the liberal
ity OF the House, manifested by the prompt
manner in which they have increased the rates
for legal adyer' ising, your committee decided
to defray its own expenses. The ewes of the
ticket agent fairly twinkled with joy when we
demanded through tickets, and offered in ex-
change therefor "the silver dollar of the fa TIL
ers." Quoth he, this is good honest money and
hath been since the day when Father Abra-
ham bought the cave of Machpelah and paid
therefor four hundred shekels of silver In
due time the committee arrived upon the bleak
and barren shores of baleful Styx. Charon
still holds monopoly in the ferry business
across this river, free of privilege other tax,
by virtue of IAN act entitled act to amend
an act supplemental to and explanatory of an
act entitled an act to consolidate into one act
all the acts heretofore enacted to charter q
steam ferry acress the river Styx, approved
on the tenth day after he feast of the new moon.
Anno Mundi 63, which act provides that said
ferry company should be exempted from all
taxation until after the directors should de-
clare dividend of eight per cent. to the
stockholders. With wistful and longing gaze
Charon eyed the s.attic oboli which y ur COM
mittee offered for round trip tickets, and sigh
ing shook his shaggy locks, as he handed back
in painful grief the well tested silver coin,
saying that this ferry sold no return tickets
Above the doorway OF Jne caD1n on MS ancient
boat which had grown sere and hoary meath
the Inning touches of sixty centuries was
clearly painted in characters of fire. this
legend
"All hope abandon, We who enter here"
Your committee, not in the least actuated
by any selfish motives, but unwilling to leave
this Legislature III suspense about this matter
found dawning upon their minds the conyic-
ton that it mi ght not be well to venture over.
In this strait we decided to resort to the
ancient and honorable writ of subpenr, which
was in due season, (by the kindness of the
Clerk on this steam ferry boat, who like all
steamboat, railroad and hotel clerks on earth,
was the politest, most affable and most COM
municative individual imaginable served up
on his Satanic Majesty and proper return
thereof made. Accompanying the return was
a. elaborate written opinion, signed by Ninos
and Rhadamanthus. ]. J., majority of the
Supreme Bench of Pandemonium, deciding
that notwiihstandi there were high au-
thorities to the contrary, (citing Bout
we'll on Investigations, Blaine on Bull
Doing Sherman on Returning Boards, ETC.,
all of whom rank high as authorities In that
Court1 that hell is outside of the limits of
MISSISSIPPI, and, therefore, your committee
could have no jurisdiction over the body of
his Satanic Majesty. H.. s. Nj. notified US,
however, that he would afford us an interview
with himself on our side of the Styx. At this
interview he stated, that as matter of cour-
tesy, it would have afforded him much pleas
ure to appear at the bar of the House to
| answer, etc., but that there was so much COM
| motion in his realm, on account of the agita-
ton on earth, that his presence indis-
pensably necessary. He stated that there were
many evidences of reasonable and rebellious
| intentions among his subjects. Certain turbu-
/ lent fellows were proposing 10 cut down his
salary; others were proposing to further
diminish the revenues of the realm by abating
back taxes and Withdrawing from sale certain
very eligible corner lots at had been for
feited for taxes; others proposed to enact a
| law which would require every one of his
thirsty subjects, at every drink, to ring q
| steamboat bell and fire off piece of artillery,
| to the great CONSERVATION of all quiet citi-
/ zens. Certain others, more cunningly dan
gerous, were actually so full of insnbordina-
| ton as to propose to hold high Parliament
] for the purpose of altering the organic
llaw of his ancient and stable govern
ment, and one fellow more seditious than
all others had seriously proposed to re-es-