The interior journal. [volume] (Stanford, Ky.) 1872-1881, 1878-09-27

Mrs. Whoepers A0sseste".
Mr.. whooper came into Judge Per.
kins' Office the other day, and after
drawing chair close up to the Judge
he took a seat, put his hat on the Ia
BILE, wiped his nose thoughtfhlly, and
said:
81 say, Judge, what do you charge
man for getting him a divorceY
"a divorce, Mr.. Whooper! You
are not thinking of that, I hopel'
"well, yes l was said Mr.. whoop-
er, with mournful air.
"Quarrelled with your wife,
"Not exactly-but-well, reckon
l might as well explain the matter to
you. You see, l love Pandora well
enough. l think good deal of her
but blame it, Judge, | can't stand her
ridiculous ways"
"How do you mean?'
"Why, you see, she's a somnambu-
list-has a habit of walking in her
sleep. She'll get up at night, any
time almost, and 60 fumbling around
the house in the most reckless man
ner. When she gets tired she'll turn
in any where and roost until morning.
/ have found her twice sitting on the
top of the -four barrel, sleeping sweet
as baby; three times I've walked her
up in the coal-bin, and once, when
she had the nightmare, l found her
hanging across the back fence-said
she dreamed she was a pillow-case, and
that she's been hung there after the
wash to dry. tell you, it tears a
mans feelings up like thunder
"You ought to bear it with greater
resignation"
"Well / have tried to; but I can't.
About a month ago, while she was
meandering around in the dining-room
she kicked over table and made a
terrific noise. Nearly scared me to
death. l thought there were burglars
in the house, and so | sprung a rattle
out the window, and fired my revolv-
err twice down into the entry. When
the policemen came | let 'em in, and
we began a search, with pistols in our
hands. Upon entering the dining
room We found Mrs. Whooper sitting
there, holding an umbrella on her left
arm, as If it was a baby, while she
was trying to feed it with the vinegar
cruet. Fast asleep, of course! I'm
ashamed to meet the neighbors on the
street now; | can hear 'em smoker as
! go past"
"No doubt Mrs. Whooper was sor-
ry?"
sob, of course, sorry! Apologized,
and all that! Said she'd never do it
again. But only two nights later she
had vision or something which nov
ed her to rise, pick up my waistcoat
and shirt from the chair, and go out
and bury them in the asparagus bed.
When she came back | was awake.
She had the shovel over her shoulder
and watched her seize my socks and
false teeth and start down stairs with
them. / jumped out of bed and
caught her. | shook her until she
woke, and then she tried to beg of by
explaining that she dreamed she had
discovered a way of raising waistcoats
and artificial teeth on trees, so that
she could pick 'em for me when they
were ripe. That woman has the in
sanest old dreams that ever ratified
around in female brain.pan."
at is merely her misfortune"
"rhat's truel That's 50! ! pity
her, but what's man 10 doS You
know the headboard ON our bedsteadl
Well. it's about nine feet high. Last
Thursday week l was walked in the
night by a strange noise. | missed
Pandora. but looking around l found
her perched on top of the headboard
with an open umbrella in one hand
and a handbook in the other. She
had on a night dress and sun.bonnet,
and when / asked her what on earth
she was about, she told me to give
some oats 10 the ofi-hOrse.' Then she
kicked the headboard with her heels.
uttered a wild cahoot, and the next
minute she plunged head downward
upon the bed, broke three Stats and
brought her aunt down stairs from the
third story, four stems AT a lump, un.