The Cecil Whig. [volume] (Elkton, Md.) 1841-current, 1878-05-25

This interesting and unique specimen of
the genus homo is divided into the follow
ing distinct classes, viz.-the smoking bach
elor, the literary bachelor, the professional
bachelor, the hermitical bachelor, the court
ing bachelor, the mercantile bachelor, and
the religious bachelor.
The first of these would have married and
made some poor woman miserably unhappy
years ago, but for the fear that he might
not be able to support the expense of a
family added to his wine and tobacco bills
so he wisely preferred the latter and now
is often heard to complain of the selfish
ness and hollow heartedness of his early
friends. The literary bachelor is an intol-
cradle bore to everybody except himself:
he knows the title of every volume which
has been issued from the press for the last
half century because he has diligently pro-
cured and studied the publishers lists. He
has also made himself acquainted with the
lives of the writers chiefly through ency-
clopmdias. He is generally invited to de-
liver the closing lecture at Mrs. Lidkn's
female seminary, and never was known to
decline. He gets himself up on such occa-
sions in killing" style, and looks mean
ingly through his gold trimmed spectacles
*
while he discourses upon Platonic friend
ship and kindred to his giggling and appar-
emily advancing audience.
We have neither time nor ability to dis
cuss each class separately, but shall next
in order take up the hermitical bachelor.
This creature partakes largely of the els
ments of the oyster and the bull dog, in
fact is a sort of cross between the two. He
imagines himself an unappreciated genius,
whom the world, especially the female por
ton of it, has sighted, and in order to be
revenged he shuts himself up in seclusion.
He generally owns the finest farms in the
neighborhood, on which he builds a stylish
house, hires house keeper, buys dog and
gun, and rides in a sulky.
The counting bachelor is entirely differ
ent from the hermtical one. He wears the
finest of broadcloth, watch chain with
seals, and a diamond ring; no social gath
ering is complete without him, and he al
ways manages to be there and make him
self conspicuous. He usually quotes Byron
a great deal, or Tennyson, and perhaps
Swinburne occasionally. He looks melan-
choly and signs often, and manages, through
married lady friend, to get the story atioat
that he would have been a family man by
this time but for an early and deathless
attachment to one who long since passed
away, etc. He knows that this sentimental
recital will tend to make him an object of
peculiar interest to widows, old maids and
even young girls; he always shows de-
cided preference for the latter, and never
fails to portray to them the advantage of
securing for lover man of means and
established character, for there is no know
ing what these young chaps are going to
develop into, etc. But, if you want to see
the counting bachelor collapse, just men
ton casually, as he is in the midst of one
of these harangues to the belle of the even
ing, that old Grampus has been sued for
breach of promise and been made to pay
for bit of flirting at the rate of some
fifty thousand dollars. Counting bachelor
will Immediately look at his watch and re-
member that it is his bed time or will be
by the time he gets home.
The point of resemblance in each class
is inordinate selfishDess; nothing else could
induce man to lead such a vascillating,
unsatisfactory life, with the prospect be
fore him of a loveless death bed and
speedily forgotten grave. Girls, we do
pity you, when you set your hearts upon
one of these stubborn fossils; you have
about as much chance of making a sue
cessful charge as an infatuated ram has
when he makes break at a fifty year old
hedge fence. How our bosoms swell with
emotion and tears rush to our eyes, as We
see you wasting bright smiles and coquet-
fish glances upon stony hearted bachelor.
Believe one who knows-it is a sheer waste
of the sweetest artillery, and can only be
appreciated by we youngsters. DAN.
Rototandsgille, May 25th. 1878.