The Van Buren press., 1878-09-17

good house keeper2 Because she il
home-ly.
A Yankee editor, in financial article
says, /" Money is very close, but not close
enough to reach.
Beauty and booty was the cry OF
of the young man who kissed the girl,
and was kicked by the father.
A Sandy Hook fisherman recently kill
ed forty-foot whale with scythe. 1t
was good scythed whale.
A Washington woman has applied to
be appointed constable, despairing Of
catching man in any other way.
If you marry between now and late in
the fall, marry girl who has bought
mosquito bars for the next season. She
will give you buzz enough.
Our ancestors, the monkeys, couldn't
have been SO ignorant, after all. They
were all educated in the higher bran
ches, anyhow.
Let US not condemn all bank presi
dents. Let us remember that there are
two or three that haven't really been
found out. Be patient.
When you cant count more than one
bald head in the parquet on spectacu-
lar night, you may conclude that the
times are indeed hard.
The heather Chinee will learn some
tn ng about the Bible in California. They
are showing him, out there that the wa
ges Of All Sin is death.
Regular old FOUNDERS now carry canes
w..h crooks for handles. With such a
handle the owner can hang his cane on
his arm while he works lunch t ble.
Tue English language is inadequate to
express the forlorn feelings of boy
who thinks he has stolen novel, and
finds it to be only cookery book.
1t is well enough to dcnounce tramps.
and say they won't accept positions.
Just oder the presidency of bank once.
That would be fair test
"Hello, Spi(kins! How is it you are
not dancing9'
"Haven't the heart to; you know my
girls ill.,"
Jaw! cutting her teeth, l presume p
"My son." said an old lady, +" how
must Jonah have felt when the whale
swallowed him ~
"Down in the mouth ?" was the hope
ful's reply.
"What river is Venice on-Jane,.
Venison is not a river, miss; it is con.
lection, and one which having once sam
pied. will haunch you with perpetual de-
sire for more
A boy, with patch on his knee, can't
be hired to go on an errand to the next
use; but he will follow band of mu.
sc 10 wagon all over town, and never
realize that he isn't dressed in broad
cloth.
The heaviest snorer we ever heard of,
is the man up town whose wife woke him
up IN tempest, saying she did wish ho
would stop snoring, for she wanted to
hear it thunder. That husband coutin
ues snoring.
Bald-headed gentleman in the parauet
to young lady in the dress circle, during
an affecting passage in the play: " re,
spect your emotion, ma'am, lut you are
shedding tears on my head"
An Illinois man, with foresight wor.
my OF bett'r cause, popped the aues-
t"n on railroad train, and now the
maiden is at loss to decide as to which
county she had better commence procee.
dings for breach of promise.
A critic says that certain butter furn-
ished the Aims House, is not fit to
grease wagon wheels. Good butter is
never used for wagon-wheels in welbred
circles; although good butter, it must be
confessed, ought to be the thing for
rolls
Can the horse run fast ?" asked a
boy OF milkman, the other mornino
NO, sonny" replied the purveyor OF
acqueous lacteal fluid; I" he can't run
very fast, but he can stand faster than
any horse you ever saw"
A political speaker accused rival of
unfathomable meanpess and scoundrel.
ism. and then rising to the occasion,
ne sad: warn him not to persist in
us disgraceful course, or he'll find tha,
sUo Of Us can play at that gamer'
An undertaken being asked by lady
who was employing him at some house
hold work, whether he would have a olas,
now, or wait until he had finished tn,
job: I'll be taking the glass, moo
men, said the artisan; for there
been power . sudden deaths lately.
Young lady.very much sbocked-"Ob
ma. did you notice that insulting pupp
that just passed us2 | looked at til
wretch until he got way out of sigh,
and he had the Impudence to stare at m.
the horrid thing, and just as he turne
the corner, he actually lifted his ha
10 me-"
Mamma, where do people go, whe
they die: My dear, can't tell yol
just where" 81 But don't you know Z
He@ can know. Nellie Mamma h,
uever di.d.s .Of course, not; br
haven. you studied geography r
In London.