The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1878-08-08
Humorous Items.

A snare-holder-Ap pillow. =. -.
Tho first tanner-The sun.
u Evening rayers-Burglars.
softs nap-A noodle asleep. IL:
An ice thing "A polar expedition.
In writing, millers use floury language.
A ''clear" case--Jumping = bail.bond.
The early swimmer catches the cramp.
What is home without moth there9
Bootiess attempt-Trying to 90 bare
foot.
To make man feel sheepish--"Lam"
him.
War is inevitable. Marriages still con-
tinue.
A fool and his fathers money is soon
parted.
Wigs, in the language Of flowers, are
lielocks.
The path OF duty-Through the Gus.
tom house..
Railroad depose- Turning out the su.
perintendent.
The forerunners = plauge--A mos
quitos legs.
Motto for hot nights-Learn to lay bare
and to wait.
A case Of suspended animation-A
man with braces IN.
If man "means business" he should
have business means.
The man isn't very hungry who AYERS
that he is above board.
Sitting Bull has evidently taken to In
dianeering.-Losoell Courier.
Why didn't "Japhet in Search of a
Father"go to Bag dadf
The soda fountains motto should he,
"Business sizz business"
Motto for new hotels Charity covereth
Z multitude Of boarders.
When married men complain Of being
in hot water at home, it turns ont half
the time it's scold.
West Hill man calls his horse ''Timc,''
because when he is united" he waits
for no man."
The discrepancy between pepper and
good soil is: One is ground fine, and the
other is fine ground.
Take at least one good look at a cocoa
nut, young man, before you have your
head moved and sandpapered.
The difference between goose and some
men Is that goose never gets into hot
water until it's dead.
Its no wonder, az a critic recently re-
marked. that 1.-THE Raven savors Of an
Gent Greece. It's Poe-made.
Aggravating: To think of good Joke
after getting to bed, and not able to re-
cal word of it next morning.
A minion of the law seized FANNY
Davenport's tights at Scranton the other
day. There was nothing in them at the
time, however.
There are beautiful warm soda springs
in Colorado. and people who go bathing
in them at once exclaim: 80! but this is
soda-icious."
Birds are entitleu to justice. When a
man is indulging in frolic, to say he is
tout on lark" is libel on that bird.
He is really out on swallow.
Who hath woc-who hath sorrow2
Well, that Nevada man who traded q
mule for wife feels about as red around
the eyes as any of 'em.
An Independence (Kan.) woman wants
divorce because she was chlorofermed
and carried off and married to her hus-
band two or three days before she knew
it.
The Detroit Free Press presents the
question, "Are watermelons healthy"
Much depends, we should say, on the
teeth and enterprise Of the old gentle
mans dog.
The Troy Times asks: "Should the
President pass out would Samuel J. pop
ln!' The chances are that he would not
he has proved himself too much of pop
Inlay.
rs this airtight?" inquired man in a
hardware store, as he examined stove.
mo, sir" replied the clerk; "air never
gets tight" He lost customer.
A Chicago chap advertises for several
steady girls to help on pantaloons. And
an envious scribe says that fellow who
can't help on his own pantaloons ought
to be ashamed to want girls to do it.
A man was killed by circular saw
and in his obitury notice it was stated
that ne "was good citizen, an upright
Christian, and an ardent patriot, but of
limited knowledge in regard to circular
saws"
A Florida negro mlstook mule for q
ghost and poked it with stick. The
verdict recites that he came to his death
oy using too short stick III probing the
.nknowable for evidence of future ex-
istence.
At l o'clock q. m. Tuesday the moon
passed close enoug b to Jupiter to enable
the man In the former to hail the latter,
get correct latitude aud longitude, ex.
change newspapers, beg a chew of fine
cut, and pass on.
A little girl was reproved fer playing
out doors with boys, and informed that,
being seven years old, she was s'too big
for that now" But, with all imagina-
pie innocence, she replied, "Why, the
bigger we grow the better we like EN-"
A prisoner was arranged to plead an
Indictment f)r burglary. He said he
wasn't ready to plead, and didn't care to
plead either way, adding, I'll tell you,
Judge just how the matter hangs; If l
don't get bail Tomorrow morning I'm
going to plead guilty, and it do aint
See2
A subscriber asks "How tc scald q
goose" There are several methods.
Perhaps the best way would be to wait
until some evening when the goose comes
round to serenade your daughter, and
while he is in the middle of "Sweet BY
and BY" pour kettle of boiling water
on his head from sccond-story window
|--Norristcaon Herald.
The PennilesS Man.
Blessed is the man who is pcnniless,
for he is never stricken-for q dollar.
The deadhead annnoyeth him not, neither