Connecticut western news., 1878-10-02
TESTING PATENT MEDICINES.
STOMACH INvIGoRAToRs AND ANTI MALARIAL BITTERs AND ELECTRIC
 PADS, ETC,

STOMACH 1NVIGORATORS AND ANTI MA1ARIAL B1TTERs AND ELECTRIC PADS, ETC.
 "Mr. Hendricks" said the Colonel, "you are the very man the State of Minnesota has been crying for. We want you to take the first place on the Committee on Medical and Surgical Dis play, and appoint your own associates and subordinates. Now don't say no, for we can't do without you"
 MT. Hendricks didn't say no. He ac- cepted the appointment and went to work with will. There has only been one day of the fair, you know, but already MT. Hendricks has been so over worked, so earned away by his en- thusiasm, that he will be obliged to re- sign. 1T can't stand it," he said in piteous tones. sI can't stand it. Let us go up to your room and I'll tell you all about it." l We'll, he did have hard time. All the men who had porous plasters and liver pills and stomach invigorators and anti-malarial bitters and electric pads and galvanic belts got after him as soon as he made his appearance.
 "There isn't a fair in the country" shouted one, ''that hasn't given the medal to Bogg's Bitter Wine of Bar berry-try it D And he forced cordial glass full down MT. Kendricks's throat | when he went to taste it.
 "No tonic equal to 'Tarboy' Aromatic Infusion of Ginseng" howled another "just tone up your stomach with that, , and down went dose of the Infusion ot Ginseng. ..-
 "Take tablespoonful of Henebane's Elixir of Life for an antidote to those poisons you've been swallowing" called another, and down went the Elixir.
 1T won't taste any more," said MT. Hendricks feebly, when the confagra- tion in his throat, melted by the Elixir, had subsided little. "Don't say that without giving 'Bolus's Double Extract of Rhus chance with .the rest" pro. tested an agent, and the Rhus went down, and arraying itself in direct antagonism to all the other elements there, immediately went to work to Mexicanize MT. Kendricks's system.
 "Take 8 double dose of 'Cofin'E Balm of Hemlock," suggested kinc looking agent, "and you'll feel all right. He pred open MT. Kendricks's jaws and thirty seconds later MT. Kendricks'l nerves displayed unmistakable symptoms of jim-jams in the secondary stage.
 Mae~Kendricks would have fled, bu f another agent poured down his resist ing throat wine-glass full of 'Scroggs's Gastric Essence of Mountain Ash," anc he forgot his own name. Then mar dragged him up to his stand and slapped a patent blister on the back of his neck explaining its virtues in the meanwhile l'recounting the first premiums it had taken, and begging MT. Hendricks te keep it on couple of hours to see how it worked.
 "The only thing fer 8 weak back, said the agent of Bleedanblister's Porous Plaster, and before MT. Hendricks coult protest, his coat .was off and the plaster slapped on the small of his back. Put this on alongside of it, cried the agen of Badgers Strengthening Plaster "and you'll never feel the first one so on it went. The other agents crowded around and they held MT. Kendrickl while they paved his back with plasters and frescoed his legs with blisters, anG swathed his body in electric belts ant liver pads, aud when the police finally rescued him and took him away, just al they were putting him into the carriage one of the agents came chasing aftel him, yanked off one of his boots, ant before he could be clubbed away h, covered the unhappy mans foot witt adhesive corn plasters and bunion pads
 The wreck was carried to the place which had once been it's home, and al night long surgeons and physicians stood at MT. Kendricks's bedside and pumped him out and scraped him off. "I an better now" ;" he said feebly, as he finished his mournful recital, but I want to re sign. I can't stand this kind of worl any longer. If they want man to pas } on the plasters and bitters. they mus hire cast iron man. .'-Burlingtos HnaUkeye.