West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1878-06-15
Mr.. Tibbitts Declares War.

i'm railway car, on his way 10 the
Social Science Convention.
Mr. nbbitts was buried in profound
thought. lie desired To lay before the
Convention n plan for cutting acros,
lots To the millennium by means of d
revolution i'm the manner of cooking
beefsteaks. Mr.. ribbitts stood on the
broad platform of brothcrly love, and
advocated that tn do good INCREASINGLY
was one of the best safeguards AGAINST
the outbreaks of "A quickcncd conscience
MIR. Tibbitts was also "A theorist, and hi,
view was that to make men better you
must improve their digestion. To make
them more social and humane, broaden
their views and enlarge the scope OF
their philanthropy, you must commence
at the stomach and see to il that the
gastric liquid at ended strictly to bus
mess without shirking. This was Mr..
Tibbitts's mission, and he desired the
d of whatever moral weight the in.
dorsement of the Convention could give
him. He expected to makea long speech
tn the assembly, and elucidate his
theory for the amelioration of mankind
with charts and diagrams. As stated,
he was reclining comfortably i'm the car,
with his whole soul absorbed i'm the sub
ject nearest To his heart, getting together
the framework of his intended speech.
] shall commence, he mused, "with
the supposition that science is the basis
of all terrestrial human happiness, and
use the term in it's broadcst sense. | will
give cursory review of the in
estimable benefits that have accrued To
all nations since the discovery Of"
Peanutsl Peanutsl Here ye are,
les' fresh baked an Cnly nickel "A glass.
Prime and nice, mister-peanutsT
The glorious thoughts were scattered
IA that prince of nuisances, the train
boy, showed his basketinto Mr.. Tibbitts's Is
face and yelled out his harangue.
No! Clear outl Begoncw and he
composed himself to resume his thinking,
but IL was some time before he could
collect his scattered thoughts.
&" will then elaborate" he at length
continued, "upon the intimate relations
of mind and matter. mple-Tell me
what man habitually has for dinner,
and how it is cooked, and will tell
you his character IA easily as | would
describe"
Popcornl Nice and fresh Pop
corn?"
Mr.. Tibbitts threw out his arm inn
patient To indicate that he did not wish
To be disturbed, and upset the basket,
scattering the snowy balls over the floor,
which riled the boy and melted him to
do his worst from that time on. As soon
as Mr.. Tibbitts got up among the clouds
the boy was after him and fetched him
down with
4" Orangesl Sound and sweet.
OrangesW
Or if he once got his pinions fairly
spread and prepared to soar, the imp was
ready to pelt him with
Applesl Figsl Candy Prize candy
Have some, mister? Coin prize in every
package"
And so he continued to annoy the good
man who was giving his time and energy
TO prove TO the world that even beef
steak was capable of inspiration if
rightly understood. He bombarded him
with books, showered him with nuts,
buried him under papers, weighed him
down with ivory trinkets, plagued and
teazed and worried him with all sorts of
annoying and vexations catch-pennies
eatable and readable, until the beef
steak philosopher gave up in utter de-
spair of ever being able TO lay the corner
stone Of the oratOrical structure with
which he had hoped 10 entrance the Con
We tiOn and conclusively demonstrate
that from n section Of rubber hose could
he evolved music, poetry, happiness and
freedom from dyspepsia, if prepared for
the stomach according 10 his theory.
And so he abandoned his thoughts,
turned his back upon his mission, and
gave his undivided attention TO n
close observation Of the possibilities for
mischief and discomfort emb bodied in the
train-boy. Within less than five min
utes Mr.. Tibbitts made the discovery
that new and fertile field for conquest
was before him, compared with which
his beeisteak idea was n charge upon
windmills. His aim heretofore had been
TO benefit the world theoretically. Here
was chance for practical results with
out any speculation or guesswork If
he could only squelch that most un-
mitigated and inexcusable nuisance
to the travelling public, he would
scatter boon wherever n car
wheel revolved And that's exactly
what he would do lie looked at the
pale and tired mother, with four little
children, made sick by he confections
for which they had cried until her pa
tience could hold out no longer, and he
was neryed 10 become the train-boys
unrelenting enemy. He glanced Mt the
bridal couple eating their way to
bankruptcy and loading their stOmachs
with bitter remOrse, and determined
that the war should be one Of EXTERN
inatiOn till every railroad in the country
should advertise " No Train-bOys" i'm con
nection with Through Sleepers." And
then, as a feeble old lady ,pped on an
orange peel in the aisle and almost Grip
pied herself, he resolved that beefsteak
should take q back seat until Social
Science had launched sirOcco that
should scatter devastation to the pea
nut crop until it's transportation was
prohibited by law and its sale on wheels
made a criminal offence.
And that's how it happened the Social
Science Convention neglected to take up
the tough question Of q tougher beef
steak, as had been expected.
a MoUsg without feet, legs, neck, or
tail, il the property of Pat Meehan, Ia
O. aHH