West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1878-01-12
Mr.. BnIkins Gets a Taste Of Trouble.
tUinslnnau breakfast TAble1

Mr.. Billikins has been passing through
a domestic tornado. He went over Ia
Coviugton the other day To attend 10 a
business matter with a man who was
taking short cut TO the poor-house by
running little one-horsc store over there.
He had the bad luck TO find the man he
was looking for out, and learned from
his only clerk that he would not return
for an hour. 1t was important that he
should see him that day, and so Billikins
concluded TO wait for his return; but an
hour is n good deal of time when you
don't know what TO do with il. He
lounged around for little while until
the hands of the clock seemed To move
slower than n boy on an errand and then
he got up and yawned, and paced the
floor n few times, and speculated for
awhile as 20 whether the man who de-
signed the wall paper was crazy or un-
happy at the time he did the Job. There
was nothing in the store TO read except
dodger for a washing machine that
had been pitched in through the door,
but after communing with il until he
knew every word by heart, il ceased TO
interest him further rs food for the
mind. IL then served to give employ
ment To his fingers for few moments in
ascertaining how many shapes il could
be twisted into, while he mentally took
an inventory of all the goods on the
shelves.
BY this time the place had become
more uncomfortable than prison, and he
went out TO take stroll through the
streets. Before proceeding far barber
pole loomed up before him Hospitality,
and he saw that he might bridge over
part of the time by getting shaved. In
he went and was soon getting such n
taste of martyrdom from the BARRIERS
razor and tongue that he forgot which
side of the river he was on. AS n
finishing touch the tonsorial artist
turned the nozzle of n small fire ex.
tinguisher upon him and flooded him
with spray of perfumery. IL was this
that cooked up the trouble for him.
When he stepped into his coy little
cottage that eveningh his wife ran TO meet
him with kiss-for he has only been
married a short time. Her nose rested
upon his cravat for one brief second
and the next IL was pasturing all over
his coat collar and along his shoulders.
IL was very foolish in her, of course, but
women will be women, and she let her
little head get full of silly doubts and
uncomforting misgivings, for Billikins
never used perfumery
"Oh, retched-heartless man |"
she sobbed, "how could you be so base ?
Boo-hoo-hoo-oo-oow
Why, my dear" said Billibins, with
wonder and amazement holding the fort
all over his face "Really, Martha Ann,
you surprise me explain yourself Your
emotion is riddle-clear up the muddle
and tell me what the deuce you mean by
taking on in that kind of style. You
never acted so before"
You know you bad, wicked man
you know boo-oo-oo-oo was the reply
that came spasmodically from the cry
ing woman, and then she threw herself
PROSTATE on the sofa and kicked, and
shook herself and buried her face in the
fancy worsted thingumbob on the arm of
the divan, and said she was a poor
miserable dcluded woman, and wished
she was dead.
Billikinswas surprised, panied, thunder
struck. He couldn't conceive what had
so suddenly plunged the woman into
such wild, chaotic tantrums. He re-
called every word spoken since he en-
tere house, and could find nothing
in his speech that could have given her
ohense. She was pleased enough when
they met nay, more, he was certain
that she was downright glad to see him.
The torture was unbearable and he de-
termined 10 come TO an understanding
without further delay. He soon got it.
Oh, you horribleI wict ed deceitful !
hypocrite" /" she hissed, trying 10 scratch
his eyes out as he bent over her, and
sought TO soothc her with hOneyed
words, "where did you get that per-
fumery on your cravat and shoulders
Tell me thatW
Billikins was spcechless with bewilder-
nent-for he had forgotten all about
the barber-shOp episode-and couldn't
hink 10 save him how the fragrance
came TO be upon him. He blushed, and
stammered, and began with
R-r-e-ally- my-d-ear, you are mis-
taken" and pulling up his cravat 10
sniff at it himself and show her that
she was on a false scent, he discovered,
alas! that she was right about IL, and
was 50 used up and wilted at the dis
cOyery, that his hands dropped like lead
and he turned redder than before.
His increasing confusion confirmed
her suspicious, and she gave him as fine
an exhibition Of how Mysteries can
'liven up home and make things ami
mated and spirited as ever made n mar
ried man ycarn for rocks and mountains.
She threatened suicide, divorce. scan
dal a cow-hidiBg from her big brother,
and all the rest Of the programme and
then jumped into her hat and cloak.
bolted out Of the housekeeping the
deeply distressed husband in the face as
he tried tO stop her-and went home 20
her mother with her overAowing cup
Of sorrow.
The FIRST impulse Of poor Billikns
was 10 fll himself with gin and get on a
grand old car0use tO drown his troubles /;
but he thought better Of it--for he is a
tolerably steadygoing young man--and
sat down by the fire, determined 20
make out how hc came by that per-
iumery If 10 took all night Re racked
his brain for two hours without reach
ing n solution Of the mystery, and then
went to work in earnest to review all the
incidents Of the day, seriatum, and
finally about nine O'Clock 10 all came 10
him, and he jumped to his feet cursing
that Covington barber and his own stu
pidity and set out for the residence OF
his mOther-in-law
An hour later two young people came