Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1878-05-17

| review nelu shortly. after her coming Il
England, and after staring at the ROya
lady with her arms akimbo, observed
well, she's not as ugly as they told me
she was pa compliment the astonisheC
| Queen gracefully accepted, saying =
"Well, my good woman, 1 am very GLAD
of that" Probably her majesty forgave
/ her critics rudeneSs as the outcome ol
rustic ignorance and simplicity.
There Is no cooler man than your sim
| pie fellow. While General Thomas was
inspecting the fortress at Chattanooga
with General Garfield, they heard some
one shout: Hello, mister! You! ]
want to speak to you" General Thorn
as, turning, found he was the 'mister
so politely hailed by an East Tennessean
soldier.
"WelI, my man." said he, "what dc
YOU want with meP'
81 want to get a furlough, mister, that's
what Y 1t," was the reply.
"Why do you want a furlough, my
man ?" inquired the general.
"Wall, 1 want to go home and see my
wife"
"How long is it since you saw her?'
ever since l enlisted; nigh on to
three months"
Three months!" exclaimed the COM
mander. why, my good fellow, have
not seen my wife for three years r
The Tennessean looked increduloB
and drawled: wall, you see, me and
my wife amt that sort !'
The postmaster-general of the United
States once received an odd official COM
munication, the Raeborn postmaster, new
to his duties, writing to his superior Of
fcer: Seeing by the regulations that 1
am required to send you letter of adj
vice, must plead in excuse that have
been postmaster but a short time: but
will say, if your Office pays no better
than mine, 1 advise you to give it up"
To this day that pOstmaster-general has
not decided whether his subordinate was
an ignoramous or was quietly poking fun
at him.
Spite of the old axiom about self
praise, many are of opinion that the
world is apt to take a man at his own
valuation. If that be true, there is a
church dignitaTy in embryo somewhere
in the yGGng deacon, whose examining
Bishop felt it requisite to send for the
clergyman recommending him for ordi-
nation, in order to tell him to keep that
young man in check; adding, by wav of
explanation: II had the greatest diff
Guilty, sir, to prevent his examining mep
This not to be abashed candidate for
clerical honOrs promises to be as worthy
of the cloth as the American minister
who treated his village congregation to
one of Mr.. Beecher's sermons, unaware
that the popular Brooklyn preacher made
one of his hearers. Accosting him after
service, Mr.. Beecher said: ''That was a
fair discourse: how long did it take you
to write itP'
"Oh, 1 tossed it off one evening" was
the reply.
'IndeedP said Mr.. Beecher. "Well, it
took me much longer than that to think
out the framework of that sermon"
"Are you Henry Ward Beecher % ask
ed the sermon-stealer.
81 am" said that gentleman.
"Well, then" said the other, not in the
least disconnected, call have to say, is,
that amt ashamed to preach one OF
your sermons anywhere"
We do not know if Coleman invented
the phrase, "As cool as a cucumber"
but he makes the Irishman in "The
Heir-at-Law" say: 'These two must be
a rich man that won't lend and bor-
rover; for one is trotting about in great
distress and tother stands as cool as
cucumber" Of the two the latter was
more likely to have been intending
raid on another mans purse, for the men
whose Every trade is borrowing" are
usually, we might say necessarily, the
coolest of the cool; like Bubb Doding-
tons impecunious acquaintance, who,
rushing across Bond street, greeted Dod-
in Iton with: 'Tm delighted to see you,
for l am wonderfully in want of
guineaE
Taking out his purse, Bubb showed
that it held but half guinea.
"a thousand thanks P' cried his tor
mentor. deity seizlng the coin; ''that
will do very well for the present." and
then changed the conversation. But as
he turned to leave, he inquired: "By-
the-by, when will you pay me that half
guinea%
"Pay you? What do you mean% ex-
claimed Do lington.
"Mean? Why, intended to borrow
a guinea of yOu. have only got half;
but Pm not in hurry for t'other. Name
your own time, only pray keep it~ say
ing which he disappears round the cor
ner.
"John Phoenix" the American humor-
ist, being one night at theatre, fancied
he saw friend some three seats in front
of him. Turning to his next neighbor
he said: Would you be kind enough
to touch that gentleman with your stick?'
Certainly" was the reply, and the thing
was done; but when the individual thus
assaulted turned round, Phoenix saw he
was not the man he took him for, and
became at once absorbed in the play,
leaving his friend to settle matters with
the gentleman in front, which, as he had
no excuse handy, was not done without
considerable trouble. When the hub
bub was over, the victim said: "Didn't
you tell me to tap that man with my
stick% eyes" "And what did you
want P "Oh," said Phoenix, with imper-
turable gravity, Il wanted to see wheth-
er you would tap him or notP'
"Jack Holmes" a man-about town,
living no one knew how, was once under
by certain sergeant
at-law, who knew his man too we'll
Now, sir" said the learned gentleman,
tell the jury how you livep
"Well," said Holmes, "a chop or
steak, and on Sunday perhaps little bit
of fish; I'm very plain-living man."
"You know what / mean, sir" th'an-
dered the questioner. "What do you do
for livingP
''The same as you, sergeant" said the
witness, tapping his head suggestively,
'and when that fails 1 do"-going
through the pantom1me of writing across
his hand-"a little bit of stuff-the same
as you again."
"My Lud, I shall not ask this obtulse
witness any more questions" said the
angry counsel.
Brother" said Baron Martin, u
think you had better not"
How TO Burn a Barn.
1t is the easiest thing in the world if a