, 1878-05-17
Wit and HumOr.

A grRD in the hand, if it is good
sized spring chicken, is now worth about
a dollar.
MARRIED couple are one until they
Jointly attack somebody else. Then it is
two agains, one.
Ir is dangerous to ligh, match in
Washington while Congress is in session.
Too much gas there.
CHICAGO furnishes 100000 drinks of
whisky day. What city to organize
Tammany society in.
IL Philadelphia, to make a iu'cp, all
that is needed is the liquor. The mint
we have always with us.
WE nominate DR.. Mary Walker for
DoorkeCper of the House, She's the gal
that doesn't allow smoking
AN eminent medical authority states
that hydrophobia can be caught from
cats. From cats you can also catch fleas.
"WHAr's the matter with your eye,
Tommy" "Oh. it's only been going
through an operation at the hands of a
knockulist; that's all"
WELL, swan, Billy, said an old far
mer to an undersized nephew who was
visiting him, "when you take of that
ERE plug hat and spit two or three times
there amt much left of you, is thu"
"YoU should not be out late at night"
said afather to his son; might air is very
unwholesome," The son replied: "Do
you think so, father? Then how do you
account for the longevity Of the owl and
the batl"
IT must have been an American school
where the mistress told one of the big
girls to "decline love-" The big girl
simperingly replied, "DeCline love, Miss
JonesG Not me; I'd as soon think Of de-
clining marriageV
A POLITICAL speaker accused a rival of
'unfathomable meanness and sCoundrel-
ISM" and then rising to the occasion,
said 81 warn him not to persist in his
disgraceful course, or he'll find that too
Of as can play at that game"
A MAN in Georgia lost large number
of chickens the day before neighbor
gave great dinner party to which he
was not invited. "You see," he said,
che was afraid to have me there lest my
chickens should cackle ON seeing me-"
"WHY,n asked q teacher in Sunday
school, "did Solomon tell the sluggard
to go tc the ant2' because, said 13-
year-old boy, "he knew that his aunt
would have him at the woodpile or in the
onion bed every afternoon as soon as
school was OUT
"IIe wos koind master, he was. He
thought of me afore he died, and in his
will he said Il leave to my son William
both them sheep wot was lost last week,
if they gets found, and in case they dosn't,
leave 'em to MY faithful servant Joseph
hopes they won't get found"
WE SHOULD THINK So.-Young Jones
(who has been giving his fathers new
brougham horse little exercise before
the days work. "She don't make bad
ddle.horse, Steward, but she's got a
beastIy habit Of Lighting on her knees af
ter every fenCe-instead of her feet"
A YOUNG apprentice to the shoe making
business asked his master what answer
he should give to the often-repeated
question, "DOes your master warrant his
shoess" ANSWER, Thomas, said the mas
ter, "that warrant them to prove good
and ii they don't I'll make them good for
nothing"
"LARRY, my wife and have both no.
ticed that the townspeopc stare very
hard. hope you haven't been telling
anybody that we are newly married2 ~
"Me tell 'em, sor2 Is it likely I'd go
agin my express orders1 Why, whnever
anybody thryed to pump me, sor, | tould
'em you wasn't married at ALL"
SAID company of young men from
the city to an old farmer: "Why did you
tell us there was good hunting in your
woodsS We've been tramping through
them for hours without seeing a sign of
any game" "Well, said the old man,
with wink, 81 suppose the less game
there is the more huntin' there'll be-"
WHEN the late Bishop of Oxford was
travelling eastward to attend the Church
Congress at Norwich, lady sitting OPP
posite to him commented in tlattering
terms on the eloquence and ability of the
great Anglican divine, quite unconscious
that she was addressing him. "But why,
sir" she added, "do people call him
Soapy SAM" swell, madam" replied
the Bishop, 81 suppose it is because he
has always been in a good deal of hot
water, and always manages to come out
with clean hands,
New DEvNITION.--A famous Roman
eCclesastic was making his periodical
tour of inspection in the Dublin Sunday
schools. "Kate Molony," said he to an
intelligent looking girl, "explain the
meaning of the holy Sacrament of Mat
rimony." A pause. "Please, yer honor,
it is sad state of existence before enter
ing purgatory." "Go to the bottom of
the class, you ignorant girl" cried out
the local clergyman, very much ashamed
of his pupil. But the archbishop stopped
him. "Not so fast, Father Patrick, not
so fast. The lass may be right, after all.
What do you or know about it4'
TIE American Bible Society announces