San Marcos free press. [volume] (San Marcos, Tex.) 1877-1892, 1878-12-21
Wdsvi ~. the Fat COn-
r-t 30 tribMt0r. ~ ~.


.s 100 tribMf0r. -fi-f. ,.'
As "reminiscences Of Artemus Ward
have been revived by writer in Serb
ner, the Prompt Book is reminded Of
one, as related to him by John p. Smith,
tho well known manager Of the "Unclo
Tom" combination.
Mr. Smith was acting as advance agent
for Artemus Ward during the time he
was lecturing on the "Mormons" and OK
hibiting his panorama of Salt Lake City.
While on their travels they came across
Mr.. A. Minor Griswold, the Fat Con-
tributor," who also had panorama and
comic lecture, and was advertised to ap-
pear in the same town.
The two old friends and celebrated
comic writer's enjoyed each others COM
pany, and each one expatiated upon his
success and the attractiveness Of tho
show he was running.
Ward inquired of Griswold If his leo
ture was funny and his illustrations good,
and receiving assurance to that effect he
next asked Griswold what his nightly
expenses were and what he could afford
to exhibit for. eet sss
"Well, fifty dollars is good paying
house for me-" replied the F. G.
"Then," said A. Ward, IF I saw fit to
pay you $50 you'd be willing to give
your entire show and let me supply the
audience.
Certainly would" said Griswold.
"Done," said Ward, "rll pay you $50,
and you must deliver your lecture entire
no cutting. I'll hold the manuscript,
and your minions must unwind all your
paintings and give the show just as IL
you were before regular audience"
"I'll do it," said Griswold, laughing;
and the bargain was made.
Upon the night of the performance
Ward called Smith and the attaches Of
his combination together, told them Of
his agreement, and gave them directions
how to act during the performance, clos
ing with the admonition that he would
discharge any man on the spot who dared
to even make the least attempt ut asmile
during Griswold's lecture.
At night Griswold was promptly at
his reading desk and saw before him an
audience of some twelve persons scatter.
ed around upon the front seats, and as
he commenced the introduction of his
lecture his auditors all, save one, drew
newspapersfrom their pocketsand quiet
ly began reading, the only exception be-
ing Ward, who held the manuscript of
the lecture to be delivered in his hand,
and sat strictly following it word for
word.
Griswold talked on, and the reverber-
alton of his own voice in the empty hall
md an occasional yawn by Ward was
the only notification he had of there be-
ing an audience present. Atevery joke
that fell from Griswold's lips sob or q
snore would greet the perpetrator.
After half an hours steady work tho
lecturer found his task getting very mo-
notonOus, and offered to let Ward off
for twenty-five dollars if he would allow
him to shut up shop; but the unimpres-
sionable Artemus would not accede, and
demanded the entire performance. An
other thirty minutes was passed in the
same way, varied little by confidential
md muttered remarks among the audi
tors about stale jokes and Internal daubs
Of pictures, until Griswold gave mp tho
ghost and begged off, preferring topock-
ct all the losses rather than submit to
the torture of lecturing to such an au-
dience.
The lecturers and their friends retired,
and ut the nearest restaurant enjoyed
many jokes over the nights frolic.
DoN'T point your gun at yourself.
Don't point your gun at any one else.
Don't carry your gun so that its range
includes all your hunting companions.
Don't try to find out whether your gun