The Bolivar bulletin. [volume] (Bolivar, Hardeman County, Tenn.) 1865-1888, 1878-01-03
For the Bulletin.
aNIuci" Advises.

Memo, my faint, frail, Pickering little
light, take this stool at my feet, while trim
your brain-wick that it may brighter burn,
and while l am talking steady your nerves,
keep quiet and listen, for this will be the
last time shall trouble the editor to tell
you what say. Will give you stick OF
chewing gum? Yes, you shall have two
sticks of chewing gum. And dose oil cas-
tor oil? Yes, you shall have dose of cas-
tor oil too, but that will not give you till
we are done. Memo, you arc no ordinary
man. | have watched you of late with IN
terest and pride, because You are my friend
because there are so many elements IN
you not possessed by others, and because
love you. VIII l give you drink? /
would with pleasure, but prefer not to excite
Your brain with stimulants while imposing
the advice l shall now proceed to give.
You are a young man, the world you live in
is Iarge-society varied your influence
If magnitude among the great multitude
of women, of men, and boys. They will
forget their originality in copying you,
hence make your lifc-plate perfect. To do
this, several qualifications are necessary.
First, you must part your hair in the mid
die. You do part it in the middle? Yes,
know you do, and that is one worthy step
toward perfection. Second, when you &C
company a lady to church you must monop-
Ollie fully her attention. Point permit her
eyes to rest upon the minister, or wander
bout the congregation, unless SO directed
by some remark of yours. 1t detracts from
your personal charms, and causes the con-
gregation t. imagine she thinks but little of
you. Turn your head to notice each one
that comes in, and be careful to comment
upon their person or dress. This will en-
nance you in the ladies' estimation as a
physiognOmist and critic. Thirdly, when
you write for the press, use all the curb
stone slang you can command. Newsboys,
hootblacks and draymen drop many re-
marks which can be used to advantage.
Weave them in-your admirers love non
sense more than sense, and tits easier to
write. And when-but stop, replace that
hair: it should lie on the left side-when
you go out for a walk carry cane, the
smaller the better, and when in crowd
twirl it madly, franticly, wildly. 1t will
cause many to feel who do not see it, which
will also add much to your Importance.
| Will loan you my toothpick? Yes, but
you need not return it, / will make you
present of that in compliment to your check.
Finally, Memo, L would advise you COM
mercially. In that department YOU can't
fail of success. In what branch can ven
best succeed? In the mucilage business.
BY the by, believe when in Bolivar you
had some experience in that line, hence the
advantage of information already acquired.
Three quarts of whiskey per day will be
sufficient; two and half of this you can
drink-have it all charged to the firm, and
the public will be none the wiser. Yes, my
boy, the mucilage business is your forte,
you can attend to no other so we'll You
want your castor oil? Well, You shall have
it, and may the fates that feed fuel to gent
lis find pleasure in dropping an occasional
faggot to you, is my last and final wish.
What causes your head to ache so? Moth
ing but the vacuum, sonny, nothing but the
vacuum. MUCILAGE.