Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1878-07-11
Humorous.

Steam has been defined as bucket
of water in tremendous perspiration.
Why is a fine woman like locomo-
tive?-Because she draws train after
her, scatters the sparks, and transports
the males.
1t has been said that fowls are the
most economical things farmers can
keep, because for every grain they give
peck.
About three-ffths of the jury trials in
this country include at least one man on
the jury who ought to have been born
mule.
| wish to be friend to the friend
less, father to the fatherless, and a
widow to the widowless," said gushing
speaker at a recent revival meeting.
The man who wants to, can easily dis
cover now that his wife's health is fail
ing, and that she ought to visit her child
hoods home during the months Of July
and August.
A Georgia paper advises its subscrib-
ers that payments can be made in
butter, eggs, corn, potatoes, ragged
greenbacks or tobacco stamps-1f nicely
taken from the boxes"
Wishing to pay his friend compli-
ment, a gentleman remarked: 81
hear you have very industrious
wife"
q Yes" replied the friend, with
melancholy smile; ''she's never idle.
she's always finding something for me
to do
An old farmer lately gave the advice
to his sons: "Boys, don't you ever wait
for summit to turn up. You might
just as well go an sit down on stone in
the middle of a medder with pail at
wixt your legs, an wait for COW to
back up to you to be MIXED"
A reformed strawberry is wanted-is
necessary. Why don't our fruit cUltur-
lists grow q variety of berry that will act
fair and honest? Not have all the big
ones crawl on top of the basket, and the
little ones nestle in the bottom. For the
strong to rule over the weak is quite
natural, however.
at is strange" said young man,
that poorly educated girl stands just
as good chance of marrying well as a
scholarly one"
"Not at all strange" responded lady,
because the fact is that the young
men are not sufficiently well educated
to know the difference"
ooh, lovep' she murmured. as they
wandered through the moonlight; " ali.
dearest! why do the summer roses fade?'
He happened to be a young chemist,
of Il practical turn of mind, and he re-
piled, that it was owing to the insult
ticiency of oxygen in the air.
The cobbler's last words: 81 feel
that [ aOa1 weaker each succeeding
day, and that [ am fast approaching
my end. A few more stitches, and all will
be over, and [ shall go where there is
rest for the weary sole and every sorrow
will be heeled. Having said awE he
wished, he calmly breathed his last
A witty gentleman, speaking of a
t1lend who was Frustrated by illness, re-
marked that he could hardly recover
since his constitution was all gone
said bystander, Il do not see how he
lives at ALL" "Oh," responded a wag,
he lives on the byelaws"
At late funeral the undertaken az
ranged for the husband and mother-in-
law to ride in the same carriage.
Must l." said the brOken-hearted
man, must L ride with that awful wo-
man.? IS think you will have to"
answered the undertaken. "Well if
| must, must" said the stricken man,
but to ride with her destroys all my
pleasure on this occasion.
A young woman, evidently from
the country was seen standing with a
very perpleXed air at one of the lamp
post letter-boXes. She was observed to
knock several times on the top of the
iron, box, and obtaining no response,
she passed round to the opposite side,
and raising the cover of the slit in
which the letters are placed, applied
her mouth to the aperture, and called
out Tor in: Can We let me have a
postage-stamp. if ye please"
An ungallant contemporary thus
writes: "The modern woman, when
she has Il nail to drive, doesn't wait for
her husband to come home. She
catches hold of the nail as she would
the hair of a recreant son, swings the
hammer over her head and plunges
downward. Then she ties up her fing-
ers as well as she can, puts on her best
bonnet, and goes right over to her
mothers for good cry, and her tea"
A young lady of a rather fanciful
turn conceived such fancy for
feathery fan in Charles street store
a day or two since, that she quietly
slipped it into her pocket and furtively
withdrew. Upon being overhauled, her
brother said she had been laboring
under fantasy of the brain, and upon
that subject had been for some time
regarded as a fanatic. The owner re-
garded the whole story as bit of fan
faronade, but allowed the fair thief to
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