Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1878-05-28

ST love you mother" again they said
Three little children going to bed.
How do you think that mother guessed
Which of them really loved her best?
FUNNY GRAPHS.
There is no vegetable that can ketchup
with the tomato.
A corn-extractor that has never been
patented-The crow.
Why are good husbands like dough ?
Because the ladies need them.
A man who halts between two opin-
ions is lame on both sides of the ques-
ton.
The first instance of printing on
record-When Adam printed kiss up
on the brow Of Eve.
A darkey's instructions for putting
on coat were: "First de right arm
den de left, and den one general con-
wulsion."
Beginning again-When a man is
as if he had to begin where the other
fellow left off.
"What's the matter with your eye,
Sammy?" 80, it's only been going
through an operation at the hands Of a
knockulist, that's ALL"
"What made you steal that water
proof cloak ?" demanded the Judge
The culprit whispered, IT was trying to
lay up something for rainy day."
Jones modify remarks that he always
keeps his word. TO which Smith sar-
castically replies: "Of course you keep
your word because no one else will take
it."
When young Jenkinson told his faith
er that he had been out on little lark,
the old gentleman muttered that he
guessed there was more swallow than
lark.
A German farmer disputed his tax
bill. He said: II pays the State tax,
the county tax and the school tax but,
by tam! 1 pay no total tax. rs got no
total, and never had any"
A religious contemporary tells "How
to make a congregation sing" This
is going to be pretty difficult task, I'M
less crooked pin is placed on each seat
in the house. -Nosristoavn Herald.
The will of Mr.. Land, late of Ken
lucky, leaves all his property to his wife,
and specifies that she can "marry again
if she wants to-" And yet people sing
about land that is fairer than this.
8When the telephone comes into gen
eral use there will be considerable more
lies, than is obtained under the present
constrained and inconvenient system.
Eyer go'n to spend every cent what I
bring yer home fer striped stockings.
an Their amt nothin' to eat in the 'orse,
is what drunken man was telling a
barber's pole when apeliceman arrested
him the other day.
You can't keep man out of circus.
He'll get the money for ticket if the
government has to lend it to him. If it
wasn't fer the circus, there are some
men in Virginia that never would have
had fifty cents in their lives.
Faith is generally represented as a be-
draggled female clinging to seawashed
rock, but for simple, trusting, undefiled
faith, point us to an editor paying post
age on the paper of delinquent sub
scriber.-BrooAUjUe Democrat.
"What has been done once can be
done again" said some philosopher
This may be true, but we are inc. ined
to doubt it. We oncefound ten dollar
bill in horse-car, and we have been
cunning horse cars in vain ever since
Puck.
Mr.. Barnum insists that his animals
won't drink whiskey. And what does
this prove, Phineas? Do they know how
to waltz, or to sing, or to conduct law
suits, or to preach sermons? Do they
wear high hats and insist on new bon
nets for Easter? Do they purchase
milk at six cents a quart, and are they
partial to baked beans? Great and un-
equalled cjrcuser, what new humbug is
this?-Bu6Tlo Express.
The Cincinnati Commercial conjures
up this scene from the photographic
era: "Will you have re cavatina by
Patti zis morning or re Position songs
by Wachtel ?" "Move on, you beetle
browed garlic-eater, or I'll call the po-
lice. You're the forty-ninth man with
aphonagraph that's been here since day
light" artist proceeds to the next
house and strikes up finale from Wag-
ner Photographed at Bayreuth.)
A young man with two heads on his
shoulders was to be seen the other even
ing in parlor on Peachtree Street The
person who saw the show didn't think
much of it as natural curiosity, and
broke it up in less than minute and a
hall. 1t was the young lady's father
She explained TO him afterwards that
Augustus thought he had got Il bug in
his ear, and she was listening if she could
hear it buzz. The old man couldn't see
it in that way.
Zruth.-"When Mr. Gladstone was in
ireland he was discussing the question
of landlord and tenant with a farmer
The name of the late Lord Leitrim was
introduced. "He's a bad lot and ought
to have been shot long ago." said the
farmer. Mr.. Gladstone, after remon-
strating against this view, asked, "How,
was not shot ?" The farmer shook his
head sadly and observed, Whats every
bedy's business is nobody's.'"
When Mr.. Billoney went home yes
terday and saw handsome bouquet re.
posing on one of the parlar chairs he
mentally observed that it was shame
to let such beautiful flowers lie there to
wither; SO he took them up tenderly,
procured basin of water, aud placed
them carefully therein-and the same
A1itoIe$ic AiAo WAlS S"'S a. t1ACASihS, oAiASN
and tainted dead away. But it was too
late. Mrs. Billony's new spring flower
bonnet was utterly ruined.-Norristoa0n
Herald.
The last dinner was over and the good
ship was about forty eight hours out
The three great men stood side by side,
leaning over the rail, gazing down into
the briny deep, Murat Halstead said,
in hollow tones, 'Oh, lord ~ Mark
Twain, said, in tremulous accent, "Oh,
tord ~ And Bayard Taylor said, with
apainful effort. "Great heavings u' And
the other two stopped and stared at him,
and wondered why they didn't think of
that, and if he really meant it, or was it
only scratch. -Hda0keye.
Thus the Free Press Phoenix crows
from among its ashes:
There were two bushels of spring po
etry-exactly two bushels TWAS care