The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1878-10-12
VARIETY.


VARIETY.
Scotch wit says there is no reason why
the phonograph should not be spoken of as
" she" It repeats everything
The '' intelligent compositor'' who made it
read, 50 In the midst of life we are in debt,
wasn't so much out Of the way after all.
Mi dear friend, az strange az it may seem to
yu, mankind had rather see yu fail than succeed,
bekause they had rather pity than admire
IJosh Billings.
A courtly negro recently sent a reply to an
invitation, in which he regretted that circum-
stances repugnant to the acquiescence would
prevent his acceptance to the invite"
Old wine is wholesome old pippins tooth
soonest old wood burns brightest; old linens
wash whitest; old debts are surest, and old
maids-what?
Some people are always ungrateful. no matter
how much you do for them. 1t is like striking
a fly off n mules hind leg you only get n kick
for your pains.
The phonograph is like the small but pre-
cocious brother of young lady. 1t will repeat
everything said IN its presence without any
regard for bushes
Enthusiastic young lady: " You are fond of
music, Colonel2" Colonel F.: 90 Music?
-oE-of any kind ~
fear in keeping them, temptation in using them,
guilt in using them, and burden OF account
ut last to be given up concerning them.
If you would be clear and forcible don't use
foreign words. Be natural. A man never
stops to hunt up a foreign word when he is
stung by a'hornet.-OR City Derrick.
1t is recorded that an humble tomb towards
the sunset bears as part of its memorial legend
these words: 80 He was the first man that
Horace Greeley ever told to git West Likewise
he was hanged for stealing MULE
\ sailor, exhorting at prayer meeting in the
Bethel Home, said that on dark, stormy nights,
while on the bounding billows of the lake, he had
often been greatly comforted by that beautiful
passage in Holy Writ, " Faint heart never won
fair lady
81 have calculated" said the eminent arith-
metic-man, '' that the average man speaks three
hours day, at the average speed of one hun
dred words minute, say twenty-nine octave
pages an hour, or six hundred week conse-
duently. in the course of year the average man
talks fifty-two large volumes" 90 SIR said
one Of the audience, man of scant respect
for the sex to which he owed mother, " does
your calculation apply also to women?'' " 1t
does, sir" coldy replied the eminent arithmetic
ian IS all you have to do is ths,' and he
puts an O after the %.
TuE MoRALITIEs OF CARDS AND CRooUEr.-
One day this Summer we rode fifty miles in
railway car, seated behind four men who were
pIaying with those awful playthIngs of the
deyiI-cards. They played euehre until they
were tired of it. They played little seyen-up,
redro and occasionally trile Of poker. We
never heard dispute. Their bursts of merri-
ment occasionally ut some unexpected play
repeatedly drew our eyes from our book. They
never quarreled, and never called names once.
When we got out at our station sat at our
window and watched party of young men and
maidens play croquet. In fifteen minutes we
saw two persons cheat successfully. We heard
the one player who did not cheat accused of
cheating five times. We heard four distinct,
bitter quarrels. We heard beautiful young
girl tell two lies and meek looking young man
three and finally the young girl throw
her malIet against the fence hard it frightened
a horse, the other young girl pounded her mallet
so hard on the ground that it knocked the buds
of an apple tree, they both banged into the
house at different doors. and the two young men
looked sheepish and went of after drink.
Now, why is this (? Isn't croquet good, moral
game ?-HdI0keye
Under THE TABLE.-On one occasion Mr..
Sothern and Mr.. Toole were breakfasting with
a party of friends at an inn at Greenwich,
ENGLAND No sooner had the waiter left the
room for an instant than Sothern proposed they
should remove the plate from the cloth and get
uuder the table. This they did without loss
of time taking every article of silyer-ware of
the table, down to the spoons, and taking the
nrecaution to leave the window open. After
thew had waited an instant the door opened and
the waiter re-appeared. 80 Hello :" he cried,
seeing the company gone, also the silver, and
the window wide open, 50 here's 4 rum go! I'm
blessed if they arn't run away with the silver
Here, Dick, Ito waiter who was passing, }
the gentlemen as run away with the silver
Help me find the guv'norl'' With that he
made q hasty exit; whereupon the party re-
sumed their places, after shutting down the
window and replacing the dishes, the knives,
the forks and the spoons; when the I" guv'ner
anpeared, breathless and cursng, not loud,
mt deep, he found party of gentlemen in the
fall possession Of his silyer-ware quietly dis
oussing the fish, for the preparation of which
his hastelry was noted. His ejaculation of rage
changed to astonishment and relief. '' En-
what, - said he, s'everything secure? Why, James
you blasted rascal, what do you mean ?'' '' Sc
help me, gag 'nor-,'' protested the mysti
fed garcon. " You're drunk, you idiot" saiC
the incredalous master. '' Gentlemen, beg
your pardon. 1 will withdraw and the gen
tIemen veile1 their mirth with the napkins, anC
a smile of forgiveness stole over each innocen