, 1878-03-22
WIT AND .KUMOR.

Press.
IsIT not fortunate that the furnace
fire always burns brighter when is Is
coaled
"HEwERs of wood aud drawers o.
water"-Wood engravers and marine
painters.
A SONG heard by hive-'Bec it eve.
so humble, there isno place like comb. -
! II Danbury News.
The great question, Does it hurt q
man to hang him." is thus answered:
1T hurts his reputation.
In regard to the weather, "If you
don't see what you want, just ask Tor
it, Wheeling Leader
If what Mr.. Beecher says is true,
we've been good all these long years for
nothing St. Louis Journal.
RICHES will never take wings and fly
away, if you sprinkle little economy
on its tail White hall Times.
WHEN blockhead falls and breaks
his cranium the paragraphers term it
an injury in the lumber region.
A GREEN Christmas makes fat goat.
for then the succnlent old shoe and
oyster can are not hidden beneath the
snow.
A MODEST young woman refus ell to
wear the fashionable clOcked hose until
she ascertained that the clocks had no
hands.
OYSTERS are sold for twelve and one
half cents apiece in Austin, New. We
suppose that means they are ate for
dollar.
ACCORDING to Noah a dove was the
first coo-rier.- Herald p. |. Yes, 1t
it carried the first green-back, you re-
member.
SENIOR is questioned: "What is the
name of that lady to whom you are en-
gaged?" Senior blandly responds:
(which one ?"
PREACHING after the unattainable.
A man feeling up under the back of his
vest for the end of his parted suspen-
der Hawkeye.
INA" said little girl, what is all
this fuss about trade marks. Is it the
trade marks that'make 30 many wrinkles
in pas forehead?'
IT is said that Victoria has asked the
Gar to spare Turkey. Vic should have
come in with her spare before the Car
had made his strike.
JOSH BILLINGS says he knows people
who are so fond of argument they will
stop and dispute q with guide-board
about the distance to the next town"
The last hit of the English conserva-
tives is the following: | should be my
first, if had my second to throw at my
whole" And the answer is-Gladstone.
PROVIDENCE is all wise, but it always
piles the highest snow drifts in front Of
the house of the man who never shovels
his sidewalks off, Rockland Courier.
"TE1n your mistress that I've torn
the curtain" said lodger to q female
domestic. VERY well, sir; mistress
will put it down in the bill as extra
rent"
JOSH BILLINGS says: "The mewl is a
larger burd than o goose or turkey. 1t
has two legs to walk with, and two more
to kick with, and wears its wings on the
side of its head"
The late King of Italy will be buried
with imposing ceremonies, and an i'm.
posing stone will be erected over his
grave. Any obliging printer will ex-
plain. Worcester Press.
A WIDOW once said to her daughter,
"When you are my age it will be time
enough to dream OF husband" "Yes,
mamma" replied the thoughtless
beauty, "for second time"
AN organ.grinder struck the town
yesterday with his organ draped in
mourning for the dead king. His silent
token Of his grief was very touching
until he began to grind out 1.-THE Null.
ligan Guards. - Oil City Derrick.
NoTHINa makes the average tramp 80
mad as to find bottle with German
label on it in the road. While he is
almost certain that the bottle contains
whisky. there is lingering suspicion
that it is medicine for sore toe, and
between the two doubts he goes thirsty.
Il Free Press.
"Do you know" remarked rather
fast Newark youth the other day, to a
suffering friend TO whom he was slight.
ly indebted, "do you know that 1 in
tend to marry and settle DOWN." II
do-dont know anything about it" was
the reply, "bu-but 1 think you had
b-b-better stay single aud set-settle up"
Il Newark Call.
How WE learn. Colonel Ito instruc-
tor in musketry). "But should like
to know if they understand anything
about the theory of musketry." (Pri-
vate O'Grady is called out Of the ranksy.