The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1878-07-20
VARIETIES.

shops or fewer book agents.
Ben Butler is known among the
other widows as Charlotte Ann.
The young man who took a seat
near the object of his alteration, eX-
claimed, "This is juXtaposition that
suits mer'
They sell milk in Glen's Falls for
two cents a quart. The water power
in that village is not used for manufac-
turing purposes.
John and Ida married
Lived in Idaho forlorn,
Cause John hung round the tavern
And let Idaho the corn.
The Pennsylvania hen that Matched
out brood of thirteen partridges is
guilty of very incongrouse proceed
ing.-OH city Derrick.
The following may be seen on a
tombstone in town near Dublin;
Here lies the boly of John Mound,
Lost atsea and never found.
There is wonderful power in
imagination, but it gets weak in the
knees when it undertakes to shoulder
circus lemonade. breakfast Table.
An article going the rounds is prob
StDlN lCtu NY VIC DCllCl SCA llldH
any article that has appeared these ten
years. 1t is entitled "For Men Only"
An ingenious New Yorker has in
vented door-mat which operates as a
burglar alarm. Exchange. Who ever
heard of a burglar stopping to wipe his
feet?-Satugtay Night
-Stanley's extremity is Benjamin.
opportunity. Post. Well, that
depends somewhat whether Butler
wears his heavy winter boots now or
not. Detroit Free Press.
Mr.. Edison is invited by scores Of
Western people to invent something
that will secure a divorce in about
three minutes. P. S.-And the custody
of the child.-BmtaLo ErpresS.
The just-published report of an
Irish benevolent society says: "Not-
withstanding the large amounts paid
for medicine and medical attendance,
very few deaths occurred during the
year"
"A compositor in a Springfield news
paper office got into a quarrel with the
foreman the 9th er day, and struck him
on the head with the towel, fracturing
the skull and causing instant death. -
HdlCk-Eye.
The Brooklyn Union-ArguS feels as
proud as if it were Mr. Edison. 1t has
discovered the difference between the
weather and the baby One never
rains but it pours; the other never pains
but it roars."
Folks who can't understand why
robins are sent to eat up all the cher
ries should remember that in all proba-
bility the robins can't understand why
human beings are sent to do the same
thing. -BoSt0n Transcript.
An Illinois man, with foresight
worthy of a better cause, popped the
question on railroad train, and now
the maiden is at loss to decide as to
which county she had better commence
proceedings in for breach of promise.
Mark Tapley was asked one day
what was the matter with his friend
Nicholas Nickleby, who was sick at
Eden, and Mark replied, after a mo-
ment of solemn thought: 81 think, sir,
it's another case of H agar in the will
derness.
The man who goes to a strawberry
festival and discovers the loss of his
five-dollar bill just after treating seven
teen handsome girls to the delicacies
of the occasion has some slight idea of
how it feels to be run over by a wagon
load of hay.-DetrOit Free Press.
College professor Ito junior who
has been taking advantage of his alb
sent-mindedness): Young man, |
find, on looking over the records, that
his makes the fifth time in two years
that you have been granted leave of alb
sence to attend your grandmother fu-
neral"
"A Good Conductor.-A two ladies
were walking along the street, one eX-
claimed as the sky suddenly darkened
There's a thunderstorm coming on.
I'm so afraid of lightningr' To which
the other calmly replied: every well,
my dear; then let us step into this car,
which seems to have good con-
ductor."
"A circus clown is knocked down by
runaway horse and has his arm brok-
en-. The doctor examines the fractured
member, then shakes his head serious
ly. bad break, eh?'' says the suffer-
er; then, rejecting on the method in
which he usually makes his exits and
entrances, he adds Probably may
limp for life"
=" now offer you a Rubens," said
an auctoneer-" a perfect gem of
genius-perhaps the finest painting that
came from that master hand" There
was no bid. The auctioneer passed the
Rubens, and, taking up another picture,
said: Every well, gentlemen, | now
offer you a Rembrandt by the same
artist. "-EUery Saturday.
"A young girl asked her mothers
consent to engage herself to beau,
showing her at the same time piece
of her own handiwork, pretty match
safe. Her mother drew down her
spectacles and exclaimed: MARY, you
can make a match safe, but have my
doubts whether you would make safe
match" Mary sighed Involuntary,
and sought consolation in singing THE
Heart Bowed Down"
"A Whitehall lady asked her little
boy to pull off his stocking and let her
mend hole in the heel. The little
fellow reluctantly obeyed, but said:
Mamma, is a stocking any better than
SundayP" "Why, no, my son. she