The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1878-02-14

are scarce. But there are plenty of peo-
pie capable of behaving like Spartans
where the trouble does not touch their
individuality. How can | get out of
! this? inquired an Englishman up to his
armpits in Scotch bog, of a passer-by.
Il dinno think We can git DOT of it," was
the response of the Highlander as he
went on his way.
! Mistress of herself was the spouse Of
{ the old gentleman who coltrived to
/ tumble off the ferryboat into the Missis-
sippi, and was encouraged TO struggle
/ for dear life by his better-half shouting
&" There, Samuel, didn't | tell you 50
Now, then, work your legs, flap your
arms, hold your breath and repeat the
Lord Prayer, for it's mighty onsartin,
Samuel whether you land in Vicksburg
or eternity
! Thoroughly obliyious of court manners
was the red-cloaked old Kentish dame
who found her way into the tent occu-
pied by Queen Charlotte, at a volunteer
review held shortly after her coming to
/ England, and after staring at the royal
/ lady with her arms akimbo, observed
"Well, she's not as ugly as they told me
she wasD'-a compliment the astonished
queen gracefully accepted, saying:
Well, my good woman, | am very glad
of that" Probably her majesty forgave
her critics rudeness as the outcome of
rustic ignorance and simplicity.
/ There is no cooler man than your sim
pie fellow. While General Thomas
was inspecting the fortress at Chattanooga
with General Garfield, they heard some
one shout: "HellO, mister, You, |
want to speak to you! General Thomas
turning found he was the "mister" 50
politely hailed by an East Tennessean
! soldier.
Well, my man." said he, "what do
you want with me%'
81 want to get furlough, mister,
that's what | want" was the reply.
"Why do you want furlough, my
man% inquired the general.
Wall, want to 60 home and see my
wife"
Chow long is it since you saw her?''
ever since | enlisted; nigh on to
three months"
( "Three months!" exclaimed the COM
mander. Why, my good fellow, have
not seen my wife for three years.
The Tennessean looked incredulous,
and drawled: Wall, you see, me and
my wife amt that sortn,
/ The postmaster-general Of the United
States once received an odd afficial COM
munication; the Raeborn postmaster,
new to his duties, writing to his superior
officer: "Seeing by the regulations that
am required to send you letter of adj
vice, | must plead in excuse that | have
been postmaster but short time; but |
will say, if your Office pays no better
than mine, | advise you to give it up"
The this day that postmaster-general has
not decided whether his subordinate was
an ignoramus or was quietly poking fun
at him.
Spite of the old axiom about self
praise, many are of opinion that the
world is apt to take a man at his own
valuation. If that be true, there is a
church dignitary in embryo somewhere
in the young deacon, whose examining
bishop fel. it requisite to send for the
/ clergyman recommending him for ordi-
nation, in order to tell him to keep that
young man in check; adding by way OF
explanation: 81 had the greatest diff.
Guilty, sir, to prevent him examining
me-" This not to be abashed candidate
for clerical honOrs promises to be as
worthy of the cloth as the American
minister who treated his village congre.
cation to one of Mr.. Beecher's sermons
unaware that the popular Brooklyn
preacher made one of his hearers. Ac
costing him after service, Mr.. Beechel
sold. 90 'That n taI n bnu
long did it take you to write it,"
ooh, tossed it off one evening"" wa.
the reply.
Indeed" said Mr.. Beecher. "Well
it took me much longer than that tC
think out the frame work of that ser
mon."
care you Henry Ward Beecher?'
asked the sermon stealer.
81 am" said that gentleman
"Well, then" said the other, not il
the least disconnected, call have to say
is that amt ashamed to preach one o.
your sermons anywhere"
We do not know if Coleman invented
the phrase, " As cool as a cucumber;'
but he makes the Irishman in 1.-The Heir
at. Law" say: "These two must be .
rich man that won't lend, and borrow
err; for one is trotting about in great dis
tress and tother stands as cool as cucum
ber." OF the two, the latter was more
likely to have been intending raid OF
another mans purse, for the men who's,
every trade is borrowing" are usually
we might say necessarily, the coolest O
the cool; like Bubb Dodington's impe
cunious acquaintance, who, rushing
across Bond street, greeted DodingtoI
with: "rm delighted to see you, for
am wonderfully in want of a guinea"
Taking out his purse, Bubb showed
that it held but half guinea.
a thousand thanks" cried his tor
mentor, deity selling the coin; "that
will do very well for the present." anC
then changed the conversation. But a,
he turned to leave, he inquired: "By.
the by, when will you pay me that halt
guinea"
PAY you? What do you mean?" ex-
claimed Dodington.
"Mean? Why, INTENDED to borrow
a guinea ofyou. l have only got half
but I'm not in hurry for t'other.
Name your own time, only pray keen
it," saying which he disappeared round
the corner
"John Phoenix" the American hui
morist, being one night theatre, fancied
he saw friend some three seats in front
of him. Turning to his next neighbor
he said: Would you be kind enough
to touch that gentleman with your
stick" Certainly" was the reply,
and the thing was done; but when the
individual thus assaulted turned round,
Phoenix saw he was not the man he took
him for, and became at once absorbed in
the play, leaving his friend to
settle matters with the gentleman in
front, which, as he had no excuse handy,
was not done without considerable
trouble. When the hubbub was over,
the victim said: Didn't YOU tell me
10 tap that man with my stick" "Yes.''
And what did you want?" "Oh,''
said Phoenix, with imperturbable gray
ity, g | wanted to see whether you would
; tap him or not"
lack Holmes :" q unap-obou+ 4a,rp