Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1878-05-03
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to smoker Anu Guc ldWhCyO AOPAAoos
sob, dreadfully, awfully, sinfully wicked.
Send your cigars to this office and let us
burn them up for you, while you swear OH
and reform before it is too late. 1t IS al
ready too late for US. We went to swear
off last week. but the office was closed ana
the man had gone to picnic"
A Danbury boy was taken to task by
his mother for striking companion. she
told him he must ask the forgiveness OF
the wronged one. He went up to him and
whispered through his clinched teeth we
got to ask you to forgive me for hitting
YOU, an you'd better speak right up at
once that you do, or I'll give you some
thing to remember" The victim spoke
up.
How women can manage to sit bolt up
right and not change their position, look
ing neither to the right nor left. during
sermon in church, passes the understand
ing. A man will sit on picket fence all
the afternoon to see ball match, but put
him in church pew for three-quarters
of an hour and he will wabble all over the
seat.
There is cat in Burlington that has
lost it's voice. The ''Hawkeye" says it is
just heart-breaking to see that voiceless
cat 90 out in the moonlight and climb on
the shed-roof and try, by violent and emo
tional pantomime, to express yowl that
could break a window glass eight hundred
yards away.
Professional: Two undertakers meet. at
the cemetery gate. First undertaken
Well, how's business to-day? Second I'M
certaker-Bully. Two oaks with plated
handles and one rosewood. How IS 1t
with you? First Enthusiastically.
Only three stained pine, child's size.
It is when boy finds himself, without
any solicitation on his part. assigned TO
place between his teachers knee and the
! ruler, that he feels the Imperative neces
sity, or at least the desirability, of ordering
the immediate mobilization of all bis
forces.
I z
Tie Judge of court in Maine sentenced
a culprit to twenty-five years in the State
prison. The prisoners mother was struck
at the magnitude of the sentence. "What
did they do that for?'' said she. 'sTwenty-
five years! Why he won't be contented
there three weeks!''
s5 The clothes make more difference with,
the worlds opinion than a good many
people are willing to admit. How do you
suppose Senator Conkling would look
climbing the heights Of fame with patch
in his pantaloons?'
s What more precious Offering can be laid
on the altar OF q man S heart than the
first love of pure, earnest and affectionate
girl With an undivided interest in twenty
thousand dollar farm.
WELL swar, BLY, said an old farmer
to an understood nephew who was visit
ing him, ''when you take off that ere plug
hat and spit two or three times there ain It
m UGH left of you, is thar"
s.My DEAR said wife to her husband.
81 really think it is time we had a green
house. 80 swell, my dear, paint it any
color you please; red, white or green will
suit me - responded the husband.
An Irish newspaper, in detailing an
Orange demonstration, stated: s.The pro-
cession was very fine, being nearly two
miles long, as was also the prayer of Rev.
MI. Perry" f.
A weekly paper in Illinois describes the
editor uf the other paper as "a blear-ey ed
hitching pos, "a goat-faced gunny- sack and
a wart-eared bunghule for cider-Earr
Il want to die in. harness. says Alex
ander H. Stephens. 1t will be a little diff
Gu to find a harness small enough for the
purpose, but it shall be done. /.
A Welsh editor says: eff we have Of
Tended any man in the short but ril-
liant course ofour career. let him send us
a new hat and say nothing about it,
What is the difference between man
struck with amazement and leopard's
tail? One is rooted to the spot and the
other is spotted to the root.
A little boy heard his mother tell of
eighteen head of cattle being burnt the
other night. Weren't their tails burnt
also2'' he inquired.
A colored woman in Arkansas said her
child was suffering with a "majestic''
chill, and she thought it would 60 off into
a s.meIOdious" fever.
A drunkard, hearing that the earth
termed over and over, said, ''That is the
reason cannot stand on the id thing?'
..She died for me-" said the young hus
band when be beheld her dark locks gradu-
ally returning to their original red.
When girl begins to take an interest in
the set Of a young mans crsyat it is a sign
she does not love him as sister.
Mice fatten slowly in church. They
can no more live on religion than an edi-
tor can on news. -
An Illinois farmer boy, who has tried it,
saws: ''Lts hard work to riie pig, it's
names SO Short"
A man can profess more religion i'll fifty
minutes than he can practice by working
hard for fifty years. @s
To borrow a pocket knife. and find it
will cut, is one of the pleasant surprises of
life. a4
A nlether-in-law is not a heavenly body.
Int she has often eclipsed a honeymoon.
Cremation is DOW one of the rites of wo-