Weekly Trinity journal., 1878-05-04
FUNNY MARK TWAIN.
His Speech at the Bayard Taylor
banquet in New York.

OSSaslon WEIGH ueIndnuS, ana even re-
requires, peculiar caution and delicacy
in the handling of the dangerous weapon
of speech. / have been warned to avoid
all mention of international politics, and
all criticisms, however mild, of countries
with which we are at peace, lest such ut
terances embarrass our Minister and our
Government in their dealings with foreign
states. In a word, have been cautioned
to talk, but be careful not to say any
thing. do not consider this difficult
task.
Now, il has often occurred to me, the
conditions under which we live at the
present day. With the revelations OF
theology all about us. viewing, upon the
one hand, the majestic confgurations of
the SiluIian, Ooolitic-old red sandstone
periods, and, upon the other. the sfflia-
tlons, and strntifcatlons, and rsmihca-
tions of the prehistoric, post pliocene,
ante penGltimate epochs, we are stricken
dumb with amazed surprise, and can only
lift up our hands aud say with that wise
but odious Frenchmsn--it was a slip of
the tongue. sir, and wholly unintentional
entirely unlntentional. 1t would i'll
become me, upon an occasion like this
purposely to speak slightingly of cti
zen of country with which we are at
pence, aud especially great and gracious
France, whom God preserve The sub
ject, however, is delicate one, and will
not pursue it.
But-as | am about to remark-cast
your eve abroad, sir, for one pregnant
moment over the vista which looms up
before you in the mighty domain of in
tel!ectusl progression, and contemplate
tne awe compelling theory of the descent
of man Development, sir Develop
ment Natural selection Correlation
of the sexes ! Spontaneous combustion
what gulfs and VIII rlwnd- OF intellectual
stimulus these mage words fling upon
the burning canvass Of the material uni
verse OF soul Acros. the chasm OF the
ages we take the oyster by the hand and
call him brother and back, and still fur
ther back, we go, and breathe the germ
we cannot see, and know in him our
truer Adam ! And, Ms we stand dazed,
transfxed, exalted, and gaze down the
long procession Of life, marking how
steadily, how symmetrically, we have as-
ccnded, step by step, to our sublime es.
f..Ia g
lowly form into a little niger, and IA little
higher form adding grace after grace,
and function after function, with each
and every change-developn from tad
poles into frogs, frogs INTO fishes, fishes
into bird>, birds into reptiles, reptiles into
Russiahs--l beg million pardons, sir,
and gentlemen it VIII. wholly innocent
slip OF the tongue, and due only to the
excitement Of debate, for far be it from
me, upon such an occasion as this, to cast
seeming slur upon great nation with
which we are at peace IA great and noble
Christian natiOn-whom God expand
But, Ms | was about to remark, main-
tain-and nothing can ever drive me from
that posltion-that the contributions OF
the nineteenth century TO science and the
industrial arts are-are-tut of course
they are. There is no need to dwell upon
that. You look ut it yourself. Look at
stea m Look at the steam bonts, look at
the railway, look at the steamship! Look
at the telegraph, which enables you to
fash your thoughts from world to world,
ignoring intervening seas. Look ut the
telephone. which enable you TO speak into
affections remote ear tho word that cheers,
and into the ear of the foe the opinion
which you ought not TO risk at shorter
range. Look at the sewing machine,
look ut the fog horn, look at the bell
punch, look at the book agent. And,
more than all, II thousand times, look at
the last and greatest, the aerophone
which will enable Moody and Sankey to
stand on the fullest Of the Rocky Noun
tains and deliver their message to listen
ing America-and necessarily it will an
nnl and do away with the pernicous Gus
tom Of taking up II collection. Look at
these things, sir, and say if it is not far
| prouder and more precious boon TO have
been born in the nineteenth century than
| in any century that went before it. All,
sir, clothed with tho sufficient grandeur
Of citizenship in the nineteenth century,
even the wild and arid New Jerseyman
mlght-a mistake, sir, a mistake and en-
tirely unintentionhl. or all the king
doms, principaIities, and courties with
which it is our privilege to hold peaceful
relations, | regard New Jersey rs dearest
to our admiration, dearest TO our heart,
the wisest and the purest among the
nations. | retire the undipomatic Ian
guage, and beg your sympathy and in
diligence.
| But, AS | was about TO remark, il has
always seemed to me-that is, Of course,
since l reached reasoning age-that this
much agitated question of future rewards
and punishments was one upon which
honest and sincere differences of opinion
might exist one individual, with appar
emily equal justice, but with infinitely
more sense, more intelligence, more
justification, leans to IA bitter and remorse-
loss detestation of the pitlsss Prince of
Perdition-a slip of the tongue, | do
sincerely assure you-Ibeg YOU to let me
withdraw that unntentional slur upon
the character Of that great and excellent
parsonage with whom and whose country
we are upon the wnrmest ter ms, and who
it is no use, SO / will sit down don't
seem to have any knack at q diplomatic
speech. | have probAblY COMPROMISED