West Virginia argus. [volume] (Kingwood, W. Va.) 1877-1946, 1878-04-27
Breakfast Table Crumbs.

l.. FREEZE keeps an ice-cream saloon
at Bellaire, Ohio.
WHAT is home with too much mother ?
Address reply to Utah.
EVERHARD FABER has a suggestive
name for IS lead-pencil maker.
lN some of our restaurants the wait
ers don't wait half SO much as the Gus
toners.
WHEN the Khedive of Egypt has a
grudge against a man he marries his
daughter.
In Edison's health don't give way he
will keep on till he makes n whistle out
of a pigs tail
UP TO the time of going To press no
new political parties have been formed
rs yet this month.
THE mule will have To look to his
laurels. A New York man was kicked
to death 10y woman last week
The thickest part of that Diogenes
business is To make out how he managed
to get back TO his tub with the lantern.
" How can the tramp be brought to n
standsullV' is a connundrum waited
from the West. Saw of some of his
legs
In spite of Bob Ingersolls assertion
to the contrary, there is He'll. He
lives in Pittsburg, and his front name is
Tom.
AN Englishman committed suicide be-
cause his wife was too good for him.
Americans will have to keep n close
watch on their wives
The Murphy movement has been sun
planted in New Jersey by the Smith
movement. It's pledge binds the sign
ers not to go to college.
GEORGE MONSTER is n Washington
official, and John Dryer is "A London
poet. Both names fairly represent the
classes TO which their owners belong.
AN Eastern paper has for it's motto :
" The pen is mightier than the sword
but the Scissors are easier TO handle. 4"
solomon didn't get away with all the
wisdom
PITrsBURG is going to light her streets
with gasoline, and boasts that she will
save twenty thousand dollars year. Per
haps she will, if funeral expenses are
not counted in.
The Pope is spared all worry about
house rent and gas bills, but it is sad to
reflect that he will always remain i'm the
dark AZ TO the advantage and conve-
nience OF hip-pocket.
AN exchange wants TO know how to
keep an umbrella. That isn't hard TO
do. Break all the ribs, let the cover be-
come faded, and punch holes all over il.
Then you can't give it away.
BUY your next years Goldfish now
When Uncle Sam shells out that So. 800 -
QUO awarded by the Halifax Commission
1T will cost "a much as nine dollars TO
scent your breath with mackerel.
Edison has got his phonograph 40
far along that whenever it yells out
There now" every married man i'm the
room throws up both hands to ,hield
his head, and lodges under the table.
WHEN Noltaire wrote TO friend, " |
hate life, and yet am afraid TO die" he
resembled, TO certain extent, a small
boy OF our acquaintance. Said +. b.
hates dirt, and yet he il afraid TO wash.
CULTIVATE smile" SAYS n social
philosopher. "It will ease up the iolts
and jars of life" Origins has tried il
and says it won't pay. The expense is
greater than raising onions in your own
garden.
Mrs. GmPIN says woman with a
shiftless, slouchy, crockery-smashing
hired girl finds it uphill work 10 be an
exemplary Christian. She considers a
good cook, with tidy habits, born mis-
sionary.
BAYARD TAYLOR says he can always
write best on an empty stomach None
o that for this quill The crown of
hat, or the head of n barrel would be
decidedly better, and ten times more
convenient.
MAN proposes" says the proverb :;
but Miss Lucinda Tripleten complains
that he don't do anything of the kind.
The nearest he comes to il is 10 look
morose and say things that would look
mighty fiat in print.
You may talk about woman being
hckle and changeable till you grow
tired Of your own voice, but i'm one
particular you will find her always the
same. She never gets too old TO take an
interest in love story.
A GENERA1IoE or two ago, when col
leges were few, and coal oil had not
come into general use, IL used TO be fre-
quently urged that occasional wars were
necessary 20 prevent the world from
becoming denseiy populated.
a ST. LOUIS clergyman has come to
the defense OF Judas Iscariot. He
says he never did anything mean
until after he became treasurer. We
publish this for the consolation OF de
feated candidates for that Office.
WAsHfEGToN needs no monument
save in the hearts Of his countrymen.b
exclaimed Cincinnati boy i'm his Friday
afternoon defamation. It's about the
only kind he'll ever be likely 81 get.
bub. He might need n monument as
bad a. a sponge does moisture. but as
long as marble can be utilized i'm making
furniture look nice he will stand q slim
show.
EDIsON's discovery is all the more re-
markable when you come to sit down
by warm stove and ruminate that his
phonograph has put sky.light into one
OF the Obscurest problems the world ever
tusseled with, viz: How 10 get the last
word with n wOman2 The machine does
1t. Is 1t any wonder some people insist
that IL ought 10 have n fun show and
plenty Of pictures in the catalogue Of
A LITTLE boy had one day done wrong
and he was sent, after patcrnaI correction.
TO ask in secret the forgiveness Of his
Heavenly Father. His ohense was pas
sion. Anxious 10 hear what he would