River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1878-01-31
The King of Smokers


A year or two ago there died in Rotter-
dam certain Mynheer Van Klaes, to
whom is certainly due the title of ssThe
King of Smokers To gain this distinc-
ton in the great nation of buffers must re-
quire almost superhuman powers and a
love for the Indian weed that passes hui
man understanding. But Van Klaes was
ever superior TO the emergency. Ittook no
effort on his part TO gain the smoky crown
and wear ii while ne lived. He did not
even die young, as we might rave antici-
pated from his immoderate use OF the
weed, but both enjoyed lite and smoking
until he had passed his eighty first birth
day
During the long vista Of smoking years
in which he reveled in his pipe, Van
Klaes consumed four tons Of tobacco, we'll
wetted down by 100000 quarts of ale
which he drank-not to mention Schiedam
schnapps and other national beverages.
In Mynheers house was a sumptuons
apartment, entirely devoted to pipes and
| tobacco. Every variety of fragrant weed
grown on the earih's surface was TO be
found there, in the plug, cut up or shred
ded cigars, cigarettes and cigarillas were
grouped in tasteful display. But, above
all, Mynheer's pipes first riveted the visi-
tors eye. In this choice collection every
branch or variety of the pipe family had
| its representative; one could trace the
whole evolution of the race, from the clum
sy bowl and thick stem Of Sir Walter Ra-
leigh's clay to the lovely carved meer-
| chaum from Trebizond
In this temple of tobacco the veteran
| would sit putting prodigious volumes OF
smoke from his well-filled pipe, only
pausing now and then to wet his thirsty
| lips with drink of ale 1t is said that
his last rejecting breath was borne from
his lifeless body on cloud of fragrant
smoke.
| A few hours before his death, Van Klaes
called for notary to make his will.
| Putting vigorously, and, after taking a
puff at his Schiedam, Mynheer gave pre-
else directions for the performance of his
obsequies. In The first place, his coffin
| was to be thoroughly lined with the tops,
bottoms aud sides of boxes that had con
| tanned his favorite cigars; then bladder
of the finest dry cut Dutch golden leaf was
to be placed at his feet Most important
of all, his favorite pipe must be laid at his
side. A firm conviction that his soul was
not going to dwell in those attitudes
where fire is always sure TO be close at
hand, caused Mynheer TO direct his exc
cutor to place box of matches by his
side, and with great foresight, he also de-
sired that flint and steel should be add
ed, as by some unforeseen occurrence the
matches might dampen before they would
be wanted.
Having thus attended to his personal
wants in the next world, Van Klaes de-
sired that the smokers in the neighbor-
hood should be invited to his funeral,
each one to be presented with ter pounds
of tobacco and two pipes stamped with
the name and arms of Van Klaes, togethr
er with the date of the donors demise
These guests were to be admonished to
keep their pipes lighted during service
and to scatter ashes on the coffin as it was
being consigned to mother earth. The
peor of the vicinity who observed these
instructions faithfully were to be presen-
ted on the anniversary of Mynheer's death
with ten pounds of tobacco and firkin
of ale apiece. After these items were ar
ranged to his liking Mynheer smoked his
last breath, constant to the last, and GER
tainly deserving to be immortalized as
the greatest smoker since the flood.