Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1878-12-03
From the Cincinnaf j Times.
He Wrote Funny, but was Willing to
Try Serious Matters-A Horrible
Downfall.

"Are you the boss? ?" he said, coming
into the smoky office and dropping a
grip sack into the corner, that looked as
thin as religious devotee after Lent, |
and as dilapidated as custard pie after
picnic, because if you are want to
talk to you, and if you amt want you
to show me the man who is"
He was informed that he was now
speaking to the chief of the local de-
partment. f# @5 &
'sYou are the very man, sir, want to
see; you see, I'm funny man. and !
want to write something funny for your
paper, something, you know, that will
make men forget their sorrows and af-
flictions, something that will make peo-
Pile happier, and turn up the silver edge
of the dingy old cumulus that shadows
the armament of many weary, worn
out soul, something that will make a
man hilarious In his hours of trial, and
Joyous when the vulture of despair
is picking out chunks of his vitals
like like a patent steam-shovel
in q gravel -something-but you
know, in your position, the demand OF
the people for more comedy and less
tragedy, more fun and less fury. Never
l-more-bu why extend my remarks?
You know all, and dent you think you
could find place for me on your paper?
Salary is no object. What want is a
place to be useful, stepping-stone to
higher things" The "boss" thought
the stranger was right in his views of
taking the sunny-side of life and being
happy while we could, and acknowledge
| ing that there was demand for light
literature of the purer variety, told the
funny man to pull off his coat and go
at it,"
With an. alacrity that was born of ge-
MUS he borrowed pencil, knife to
sharpen it with, chew of tobacco, and.
taking the first empty chair and desk in
reach, announced himself as ready for
biz.
"Well," remarked the city editor, 1--WE
don't want everything funny; some
times we may want something of a Sc
rious character written up, and then, OF
course, you are to exercise your judg-
ment and shape it accordingly"
Certainly, certainly" he said, II
know how to be solemn; I've been al
funerals. and hangings, and weddings
and sudden deaths, and suicides, anl
have seen emotional dramas and al
those things, and my melancholy ex-
lpression and sympathetic style never
failed to excite the highest encomiums.'
Every well, then; here are some mem
oranda which I want you to write ~
and put in there for the first edition.
This is one on the death of Mr.. Jacoi
Smith, one on case of fearful maltreat
ment of wife and child by drunken
contain the particulars. Now writ
'em up, and mind you get them right.
In the course of an hour he submitted
pile of manuscript, and this is wha
the serio- comic stranger had written:
ON THE DEATH OF JACOB SMITH.
Yesterday at o'clock P. NJ death in
vaded the household of this estimabl
gentleman, and, finding him lying fla
-, on his back in front room up stall S
- while his wife was out to the dressmak
er's trying on a new silk dress, he wres
Id tied with Jacob Greco-Rcman style, an
got him down worse than you eve
- heard of; in fact, completely got ava.
=, with him, and Jake had to pass il hi
y checks and waltz along with the oil
gentleman over into the promised land
His (Jacob's) wife, being otherwise en-
as gagged, as before stated, he called for tn
er, servant girl and told her how he felt
e. Says he: ''I'm called, and l can't ante
and the jig's up. Fix me in good trin
- when the undertaken calls, and put
~ copy of comic almanac in my breast
0o pocket, so that can read On the wa
"a over. Give me q plain wooden box, g
''s that the difference in price can go tc
ward paying for last months rent, an
On don't have big funeral, for l neve
/ |! could stand extravaganza. I'd like
lie have a red coffin, though, for red suit
ut my complexion. Tell the old lady good
bye. and say to her I cant't leave M
,,+ address very well, but when she come
~ after me she mustn't fail to hunt up th
Ie stopping place of Jacob Smith. Coco
&c bye. Ta-ta! Skip the gutter" An
''s that was the end of Jacob. He leaves
large family, good looking wife, and
he big mortgage on his property, but Jak
be doesn t bother his mind over anythin
hit on this side of the sublunary sphere an
z longer. b ptsribus mort menent
o. atlaatna -
"a The next one was about the
no FAMILY ROW,
Us and read:
To-day about 10 O'Clock the elegan
<" up town neighborhood were pleased an
v. gratified to hear the piercing shrieks {
: a woman and child who were receivin
charming and magnanimous beatiE
id by the husband and father, vino ha
be been partaking Of the genial and genel
II, GUS quality of rich red wine at his arts