Jamestown alert., 1878-11-07
Humorous Items.

Soliloquy by tipler-The public al
ways notices when you have been drink
ing, and never when you are thirsty.
.. All the theology In the world has new
' e. succeeded in answering the child's
question, "Whv doesn't God kill the
devil?"
The Boston Post says it costs as much
to bury s. man decently IN New York as
it, does to live six months in fine style in
l.. London ... . s,sa ,c:~: ss,~yu. sy,.s ~j
What does it benefit congressman if
he assess the whole civil service of the
United States and lose his own seat?-
Chicago Times.
If a man is on his way to the woods to
commit suicide aud bull suddenly
gives chase, the chances are that he will
-, erun for his life. ann,sa vsgsn
It is ell right, young fellow. to be am
van, see that it, is not driven by munlc.
ipaFemploye." as'"3%
Wc'll give handsome wedding pres.
est to the man who'll marry the young
lady who 'thumps all day on the piano in
our boarding house, 3,
y The man who can hum a,hymnf while
l joining a stoye,pipe is good enough to
walk right into full membership in any
church without probation.
There may be some doubts as to cats
having nine lives. It is an undisputed
# fact however, that every cat has nine
horsepower voice.
Farmers cease to notice the poetic
beauties OF autumn when they fail to get
a .ifty.Gollar premium on q pig worth
eight dollars and half.-Graphic.
al Efa man succeeds in driving good
@<' many hard bargains he will in the end
drive in his own carriage, but the car
riage road will end this side of eternity.
Science says that it took millions Of
years to evolve man from the oyster; oh:
servation shows that it takes l,ss than g
minute tc transfer the oyster to the man.
a Nroth. CAROLINA, editor. declares that
,"the' man, who will read anewspaper three
or four years without paying for it will
pasture goat on the grave Of his grand
Il father" c 5lrrrry0;r.
All Tie grand. and awful difference be-
tween a tree and bore is-hurrah, nowl
the tree leaves in spring, and the bore
why, he 'never leaves Syracuse Sum-
day Times.
Scientific men say that person is Halt
'-y-an inch tal+er in the morning than in The
evening. In spite of this We all know
that men get fearfully high in the even
34 ing sonetim mes.a hna /, ,iqahgI
w. - The woman; who drives is never 50
complacent as when she stands her horse
=. on the street crossing;ranf :sreetly waits
for the tardy shop.keeper~ Is tic up g
dozen bundles.
Whose bread cat, his song sing
A psnniless music teacher, WHO married
q thrifty bakers daughter in Chicago,
= has dedicated,a a march OF his own com
Ii position tohis father in, ,lew.i III "'@@
s'One half of the world don't know hoN,
the other half liver' exclaimed a gossip
ing woman. ''Oh, WE'LL" said her neigh
2 r. Dor, "aont worry about ii, "iisn't you1
. fault if they don't know .r,
.,. r . sa'Here it is ten O'clock" exclaimed Mrs
~, Mic, 'ssand Ann is not in yet. She prom.
ised faithfully to return at eight" ''Have
you forgotten, said her husband, dthat
an is, an In definite article?" I'd
Annual income twenty pounds, annual
expenditure nineteen six-result happi-
ness. Anua income twenty pounds. annu.
al expenditure twenty pounds ought and
six----result misery. --Micawber.
No newspaper writer should say word