, 1878-08-15
Wit and Humor.

WIEN a dOS is mNEl'cd his DARK Is on
the tieN.
Morro for u hairiresseTs' association
"Never say dye
WHEN is small fish.pond like bird
capel When there is perch in 1t.
Why should lady's home dress last
foreyyll Because she never wears it out.
TX Minneapolis debating club, Il
vheewright is said to be the best spokes
man.
could We lind me the loan of II pipe
and topac kyi" said Pat. Il have Il
match
TnE kind of dentists this country
wants is those who extract teeth without
payin'
THE man who never wore tight boots
is courtng the woman who never saw a
looking lass.
THE man who is waiting for something
to turn up generally finds it when he
steps upon barrel hoop.
WHY ought poultry keeping to be a
most profitable businessl Because for
every grain you give fowl it gives a
peck.
A PENNSYLVANIA tramp accepted q job
TO saw two cords Of wood, and did it in
good style. The Mauch Chunck miracle
will have to take back seat.
A GENTLEMAN whose purse was more
extensive than his education, wrote to
his agent for the key to his gait" The
agent sent him the whis-key!
THIS is the way the Oil City Derrick
puts it: AT Rome do rs Romans do;
that is to say, get hand.orgsn aud a
sore.cyed monkey and sail for America"
GEORGE asks, "How late should Il
young man remain at his sweethearts
hou.el' Depends entirely upon how
early in the evening the old man puts on
his slippers.
The definition of Webster Of bonnet
as" "a covering for the female head,
ought to he remodeled into "a covering
for the vision Of the man in the back
seat at the theatre"
PuT phonograph in room full OF
women at work on one party dress, and
the language it will pour forth when the
crank is reversed will be less Ineligible
than HOt,entot is.
TIE bitterness Of poverty is beginning
to be felt in the country as it never was
before. A man actually confessed in
market the other morning that he was
about to buy another dog.
THE six-foot-two young man who went
out III Sundays rain in his new white
fanuel suit is now advertising for three
fOol.and half circus dwarf who wants
to buy secondhand clothing.
TALLEYRAND was lame, Madame de
6taeI was cross.eyed. There was no love
lost between them, and both disliked to
be reminded of their intirmities. "Mon.
sieur," said Madame, meeting her dear.
est foe one day, show is that poor legi'
"Crooked, as you sse," was Talleyrand's
reply.
A WITTY lady, who had several daugh.
ters, the eldest Of which was married, on
being provoked by her son.in.law, said :
"WilIiam, you needn't try to quarrel with
your mother-in-law. She knows what
she is about, and won't quarrel with a
daughters husband until all her girls are
marTiedW
SIZE used to meet him at the gate with
kiss and smile, like morning light ;
but now she comes to the door in dlngy
old calico wrapper, and shoes down at
the heel, shades her eyes with her hand
and IN voice that seems to need oiling,
inquiries, "Did you bring that butterl"
WHEN you find a man who claws over
all OF the papers on the desk, looks
through the drawers, searches every pock'
ct in his clothes and explores the regions
above his ears in search of his lead pen
Gil, aud finally finds it between his teeth,
don't lend him money-he is absent
minded.
YouNG lady, very much shocked: "Oh,
ma, did you notice that insulting puppy
that has just passed us3 looked at the
wretch until he got away out Of sight,
and he had the impudence to stare al
me, the horrid thing, and just as he
turned the corner he actually lifted his
hat and bowed"
MRs. SMITH, of Chicago, was insulted
not long ago by hotel clerk, and Mr..
Smith says that his first impulse was to
buy pistol, seek the young man, and
blow out his alleged brains, but this he
finally determined not to do, as it would
be likely to interrupt his business. Mr..
Smith was right. Business before pleas
ure, always.
IT was the proprietor of an American
lunch-counter who said, 81 care not who
makes the laws Of the country it may
make its sandwiches" And he finished
hammering out the bottom of one, weld.
ed the upper crust down to it, brazed
the edges, tempered it, and laid it in the
sun, and filled out blank burial permit
while he waited for the next customer.
Some boys in Marklsnd, Mich, start
ed II show in q cellar. The admission
was two cents. The performance ranged
from rectations to somersaults, and n
feature was workmanship Of the kind
that killed Tolante. A ten-year-old boy
held an apple IN his head for larger
boy to shoot at, but just as the marks
man took aim, the target boy felt the
nnnla aIs 4 IL,