The Worthington advance., 1878-12-19
C0nnubialitles.

Connubialitles.
Tom Thumb has invented a door with
one binge. Good for husbands who stay
out late.
~ told her I'd never smoke another
cigar" he said, softly, "and wont, A
pipes plenty good enough for me-"
The Washington Capital Askes: "Why
is it that everybody wants DR.. Mary
Walker to go to New Orleans profession
ally?"
The man who married an incorrigible
shrew declared to a friend that he had
contracted dangerous scold.-Puck.
Prof. Watson and Ann Arbor. his wife,
are happy: Its hoy planet, weighing
II pounds.-NeD York Commercial Ad.
Uertiser.
Said he: "Matllda, you are my dearest
duck" Said she: augustus, you are try
ing to stuff me-" She was too sage for
him.
Being the first bachelor and the first
Benedict, how stands Adams claim to be-
ing t1rst in peace and frstin war.-Fond-
du Lac Reporter.
A fellow says: Home with a scolding
wife and upset beehive are one and the
same to him, as in either case he gets
toungue more than he wants.
Iowa has twelve thousand schoolma'ms.
Young man, grasp the opportunity. Iowa
offers 1t and eleven thOusand min, hun6.
red and ninety nine over.
An exchange calls on young men who
don't want to work, to cheer up. Twelve
of them in one little town have lately sue
ceeded in marrying school mistrcsses.
Gentlemen who wont and don't 70
home till morning, till daylight doth ap-
pear, are strangely subjected to attacks of
malarial fever at this season Of the year.
The paragraphlsts have discovered the
best method of heating street-car.
''Carry woman half BLOCK further
than she wants to go. Il will be hot
enough"
Mrs. Janvillc has ''put up" twelve cans
Of peaches. nine jars of plums, and a
bushel Of pears, while her husband has
only ''put up' two stoves and his gold
watch.
"A brave heart is waiting" is the title
of new song. We twig; waiting for tue
old woman to come and open the hall
door. He'll catch it though, brave or
no brave.
A justice at Lafayette, Ind, has held
for assault and battery a mother who
spanked her young one in "a rude, inso.
lent, and angry maaner." She'll be more
polite about it hereafter.
A young man in Burke county, Ga.
broke off an engagement because the girl
named icr pet calf after him. Had be
consumated it he might have had one of
his own calves named after him..-Er.
Any sharp wife can now take down
one Of her husbands half dozen DRESSING
gowns, rip off the collar, deepen the
pockets, change the facing, and have his
Christmas present all done and off her
mind before snow flies.
A Virginia woman offers to sell her
husband By auction, and apply the pro-
ceeds to the liquidation Of the State debt
II can recommend him to purchasers"
she adds, "as man possessing all the
qualities woman capable Of controlling
him could desire.''
A recent Iowa bride got no less than
nine knives. And yet if she should tako
q notion to get rid of her husband few
years hence, the probabilities arc that in
stead OF cutting his throat with one of
these knives, she would elope with
Chicago drummer"
Don't you love her still2' asked the
Judge to man who wanted divorce.
''Csrtainly dc" said he's love her bet
ter still than any other way. but the
trouble is she will never be STILL" The
judge, who is married man himself,
takes the case under advisement.
A man may sneer at a woman all he
will because she can't sharpen lead
pencil, but she has the smile on him
when he stands holding an unoccupied
suspender bottom in his hand and wonder
ing whether il will hurt less to pull the
needle out of his thumb the same way it
went in OF push it on through.
An eight-hour man. on going home for
his supper, found his wife sitting in her
best clothes on the doorstep reading a
volume Of travels. "How is this7" he ex-
claimed; "wherc is my supper2" II don't
know, replied the wife, Il began to get
your breakfast at o'clock this morning,
and my eight-hours ended at 2 Pm"
Mistress: "But thought you were very
comfortable, Mary7" Mary: "Ycs, mem,
but the young man as keeps company
with me thinks there's too many gentle
men visitors comes here, anu they might
wean me from his young affections; so,
with your permission, will not be a
medium Tor contention.
They were looking at the fall style Of
bonnets. Said she, 'Oh! dear, look at
that bird in the crown; what pretty
BILL" And because he turned away,
wiped his eyes with his handkerchief aud
murmured;I should say it was pretty
bill," she became melancholy and threat
ened to leave him and go home to Ler
mother.
The good man slammeth the gate and
bungeth the door and maketh noise, for
bis heart is without guile and he feareth
not tue 2reVloos "oius OF MS "lle, Dut
the naughty man shutteth the gate softly
and stealeth up stairs in his stocking feet,
and stumbleth over the rocking-chair
and the last condition of that man il
worse than the first.
A Medford individual was saunterine
home the other night, near the three
church clocks of that classic village. Sud.
denly the voice of time sounded in his
tymDanum and went on with regular
strokes until the three clocks had follow
ed each other in succession. Braclnl
himself up dedantly, be calculated
Thirty six o'clock! Keep on, I've beer
out later than that"
A distinguished NJ. D., thinking to 60.
> something complimentary to fascinating
widow, one of bis patients, placed hi
PUPPY hand on her well-1ounded shoul