Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1878-12-12
WITTICIsMS.
A TICKET of leave-A theatre check.
The new crime is called cryptomania.

In favor Of internal Improvements
Invalids.
SOLDIERS are paid in fight money
N. u. Picayune.
Song of the dry goods clerk-"Swing-
ing in delain. "-,Sat. Night.
How to manage wife-Remain sin
gle.-kor. Herald.
A PARTING glass-The maiden's final
look in the mirror at her new hat.
A HOTEL bill may well be called inn
debtedness.-Pitsburg Telegraph.
MoTTo for candy pull-What are
yer givin' us-tafy ?-Boston 7rareler.
A SNOW plow is no pillow when there
is no snow.--N. q. Picoyune.
The British army has come to pretty
pass-the Khyber pass.-Iha. Bulletin.
OUT west they call the pine boxes
used to bury trampS in-bum shells.
For house wear most ladies stick to
white thread ho>e.-FGhion En-. SO
does the mud.
"THE early dog drinks all the milk
from the pail On the front stoop.-Hack-
ensock (-N. J) R'publicaa.
: in Shakespeare's time there was "a
tide in the affairs Of men," BOW the tied
is in the affairs of women.
: SINE men are born great rascals, and
some have great rascais thrust upon
them. -.incum Adetrttser.
A FINELY turned limb-A wooden
leg.-Rome Sentinei a we'll rounded
4 arm-A revolver.-Ntu J'ork Non.
WoMAN's Work is Never Done" is
a beautiful poem. y. B.--For work.
read gossip."-E. Y. Earress.
"oAND" color is the latest color in
Paris for travelling dresses. 1t is said to
look as sweet as sugar.-N. Y. Consnzer-
>iQ' Advertiser.
A BARBER, who was fresh from his
lager, asked his customer if he would
have close shave. eyes clo=e~bqs at
distance" was the reply.
JUDGING from the time given to cor.
respondence on Sunday, Monday must
be to many a read-letter day.-Boston
transcript.
ALL the signers Of the declaration of
independence signed their names with
quill pens except one-he signed his
Witherspoon-Bosto Journal Of Com.
n,erce.
That the earth is not Ct uniform thick
ness is proven by the fact that one doesn't
have to dig as deepin some places to strike
china as ia others Nnkers Go=<tte.
In the making-up of small boy there
is altogether too much whistle for the
amount of boy. 1t is most too much
like using two-quart funnel in three
ounce phial.
SOUTH AFRICAN proof readers die
Young. The last one succumbed to the
description of fight between the Una
belin,iiji and Amaswaziezizi tribes
n. Y. Commercial Adratiser.
JUST as soon AS young fellow over in
Europe settles down and thinks he is
irst-class king, some knaye comes along
and tries to play the deuce with him
Ner Hartn Register.
): AN Iowa clergyman boasts that he can
marry twenty couples in an hour. Twen-
ty knots an hour is pretty good speed for
, clergyman to make.-Cincinnoti Satur-
| day Night.
San FRANCISCO N7cs Letter: The ma
tives Of Lord Howe's Island in the South
, Pacific peti1ioned for four schoolnasters
and some iron pots The gentle aoorigines
, evidently contemplate giving party.
: "WE'vE lots of brains in our family,
: modestly remarked prominent journal
ist and lecturer. "Have you got q clue
}, to 'em?" sleepily inquired the reporter,
f who had but Just finished writing up his
I Stewart report.-Nesc York Star.
At postum supper recently held at
Paducah, KY, twelve oppossums and
- bushels Of sweet potatoes we're
served up. kentucky's fayorite-the
'possum,o and "The sweet potato-a
t native OF Carolina,' were the toasts.
AGEoRG1A man changed his residence
eight times in II months, and the last
I time his wife said she didn't even care
to 20 to heaven, for about the time she
: cot fixed up and learned where the water
T was and everything, her husband would
i. want to move.
q SCENE in the physics reception room !:
q Profe ssor-'' Mr.. F., will you, in your
y own words, give me the definition Of a
: pendulum?S Mr.. F." 4 penduls m is
- is thing that makes clock CO.
|. Rapturous applause from the back
! seats. ]-4ctn Columt'nnc.
Y "GET right out of this" shouted An
t irritated merchant to mendacious
/ clerk, this is the third lie have caught
C you in since 10 o'clock this morning"
It 'Oh, we]l," said the new man, " don't
y be too hard on me. Give fellow time
J. to learn the rules Of the house. "-Hack'
d eye.
t. Mr.. EDISON is not able to prevent the
# noise on the elevated railway. He has
G. got continuance to stop the noise, and
he has discovered where the noise comes
from, and he knows where it goes to, but
doesn't appear to be able to find any
e place in between to put the machine
e n. Y. Neus.
e A NAN named Knife does the carving
t, in Chicago hotel. Now, all you funny
; blades cut in.-Ne,c York Commercial
Is Advertiser. Thank you, but we never
d engage in such knifearious business
d Free Press. He is merely made tool Of
il by the proprietors.-Richmond (|a.)
It Baton.
l. He had silver quarter in his hand,
), and was looking at the figure OF Liberty,
q then he turned It over and asked why the
3, eagle looked so wstery. There was a
T. profound silence throughout the room as
+ his face turned pale green color, and
g he answered: because it's on the re-
9 verse side"
= Irwas under the stars, at the front
y, gate: "May l kiss you?" he murmured
= IN her ear. Her color came and went;
- - her heart beat faster than Rarus trots;
y she looked down to blush, and she looked
s: s up to sigh, with smile on her lip and q
: tear in her eye, and then replied: "Prop-
osition accepted, if done only once
J. Albany Journal
,. Dangerous Lubricatlng oll'
; professor John T. Ordway tells the
is NJ. Fr~Ia,S Cotton Manufacturers As