The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1878-02-14
Mr.. Beezer Finds it Lonely at Home

1t does beat all creation" said old |
Beezer, chow keerless women folks |
can be anyhow. They don't half take |
keer of themselves, an go mopin' around
without lookin' where they're goin', an
the first thing you know-if you're mar
ried to one of 'em-she's banged herself
all to pieces, somehow, an you've got to
pay for it. Now, there's my ole woman
she's reg'lar prize package to me, an
1 'spose she act'lly thinks more of me
than she ever did of the best Brittany
teapot she's had, an as homely an
plain-lookin' as / am, Pm jist con-
ceited enough to b'lieve the ole gal
would rather see me settin' in the Chin
bley corner than to have gilt-framedil lie
paintin' of Lord Byron himself, with
two coats of varnish, hangin' over the
mantel-piece; but in spite of all that
she's as reckless sometimes as dog with
tin-pan on his tail, an the first thing
know she's knocked me out of weeks
wages by 'een most putin out an eye,
or splittin' foot chopin kindlin', or
scaldin' herself fallin' over a wash-biler,
or some other piece of nonsense that
costs money to fix up. Not a month
passes that | don't sink more money in
aInica for that woman than would pull
a baseball club through whole season !;
an as for for stickin' plaster, I don't
honestly b'lieye there's solitary week
in the year that woman wouldn't fall all
to pieces if she wasn't pasted together
with not less'n a square foot of it scat
tered over her in pieces rangin' from the
size of psotage-stamp up to dollar bill.
1t don't do no good for me to jaw her for
it. She'll pear to be awful sorry, and
promise to keep her eyes little better
peeled in futur', but jist as like as not
before the liniment's dry on the last bruise
she'll make enough new ones to empty
the bottle. But wouldn'ta' minded that
so much if she'd only been satisfied in
doin' damage that natur' could fix up
without much outside help; but that
wasn't her. AS soon as she found out that
she hadn't any more fingers to smash
that hadn't had their dose a good many
times, an no new places in her nose to
break, what did the ole sugar-lump dc
but git up in the dark one night an
knock out all her upper teeth on the
corner of the bureau, an [ either had te
set down to the table every day facin
mouth that looked like boiler ex
+ plosion, or trot her down to the tooth
, shop and fork over for new seto' grind
ers that cost more'n hundred bushe
, o coal, an then before she'd hardly go
able to quarrel with any sort O satisfac
t ton, or without bitin' her tongue, she
. had to go an knock out one of her peep
2 ers, an it'll take me three months yit t
gita receipt in full for the glass eye
e bought on weekly payments. But ever
that amt the worst of it. Curtailin
: her eyesight was jist exactly the sam'
thing as putin a four-cylinder mortgage
: on me. She was bad enough in all con
E science when she had a double head
r light, but with one of 'em gone-an
the best one too, at that-she seemed t
e git more reckless an helpless every day
). an it was jist eq al to putin money il
r a savings bank for me to step out of tn
. house an hour. / was sure to find a doc
tor bill waitin' for me when l got bacl
home. Her last jamboree was to go an
}, tumble head first down the cellar stairs
o break an arm in two pieces an disjin
I an ankle. besides loosenin' her collar
It bone an stavin' in two or three ribs, an
}, here am now, right in dead of winter
e with only eight hours work aday, wage
t cut down, an a bill for repairs on he
}, hanging over me that makes me hanke
for strong drink every time think of il
d But still / wouldn't mind all that ever
d if it wasn't so confounded lonesom
around the house. With the very bes
r kind of luck an engineerin', the docto
tells me it'll be all of six weeks yit be
1t fore the ole gal can draw rollin' pin O
me, an though she tries hard to anus
l. me-bless her patched-up ole carcass
u by making up mouths an calm m
" everything but an honest man, still
Is feel as sad as cold pot-pie all the time
/; an long before that six weeks is up L
pine myself to a shadder, I know I shal
$ If it had only been her leg I wouldn
F." a. minded it so much, for then I coul
r a. put things in her reach, but when an
a sort of misfortune does git it's claws o
If a man it allus seems as though it had t
s give him the very most in the box"