The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1878-05-25
How the Deacon Surprised His Audi

From Puck.
The photograph is certainly the most
wonderful invention of this or any
other age, and the purposes to which it
may be devoted are manifold and sur
prising.
Mrs. Carmeen need no longer sit up
until midnight for late husband
is, late coming home. She can now
speak her lecture in the diaphragm of
the photograph, attach one end of a
cord to the crank and the other end TO
the knob of her chamber-door, and re-
tire to her downy couch with the sweet
and comforting assurance of having
"spoken her mind" where it will do
the most good. Carmeen will come
sneaking in at one a. m as usual, and
creep stealthily up stairs, and no sooner
does he open his bedroom than that
awful telegraph will up and tell him in
his wife's weDl-known voice, what she
thinks of "such conduct as this" wind
ing up with the stern command: CHOW
come to bed, you old fool, and don't sit
there blinking like sick owlp And
all the time this performance is in pro-
gress, Mrs. Carmen may be reve!ipg in
sweet dreams, in which spring bonnets
and the latest lovely thing in polonaise
predominant.
The photograph is also capable of
playing some shabby tricks, and if
Deacon Peppers could have laid his
hands on the inventor, a few nights ago.
he would probably have torn him into
two thousand fragments-more or less
The Deacon is, or rather was, a good
man and class-leader in the Browns
vile Church. He visited New York re-
Gently and wandered into an establish
ment where several monographs were
on exhibition and for sale. He became
interested in the instrument, and when
he spoke into the mouth-piece of one
of the machines and heard his own
words ground out with startling dis
tinctness he manifested his astonish-
ment in one prolonged W-h-e-wp'
Then happy thought struck him.
He usually made brief address at
class meeting on Friday evenings, and
he suddenly conceived the idea of speak
ing his piece in the photograph, pur-
chasing the invention, and surprising
the brethren and sisters at the next
meeting. The idea was carried into
execution to some extent. The Deacon
charged the photograph with an appro-
pirate address, and while he was bargain
ing with the owner for the instrument,
in another part of the room, rough,
bushy whiskered individual, attired in
corduroy pantaloons and a speckled
shirt, slipped in unobserved and howled
lot of stuff into the same machine.
The Deacon paid for and carried off the
photograph, entirely ignorant of the
frightful sentences injected into it by
the rough person, who, as subsequent
events proved, was the intellectual
driver of mule team, and not very
choice in his language
The next day was Friday, and in the
evening the Deacon marched in the
church with his photograph under his
arm, and his face Illuminated with a
radiant smile.
My friends" he continued, 81 have
little surprise for you. | do not in
tend to address you this evening l
have brought substitute for me. This
little instrument ! have here (holding
up the photography will now address
you briefly on your duty to the Church
and to suffering humanity"
ing from ear to ear, gave the crank
couple of turns, and all the color faded
from his face as the photograph thun-
dered forth:
"Git up there, you dashed old Grip
pie Whoa, Sal! you blind"
1t was awful
The hair of the brothers in the front
pews stood straight up; sister in the
back part of the house tainted dead
awav, and the sexton yelled "Firep
THERE -some-terrible mistake
here!' gasped the Deacon, after few
minutes of painful silence. "I must
have turned the crank the wrong way
or maybe the Inch. pin is loose, or the
safety-valve has lost screw or some
thing" And, perspiring at every pore,
the Deacon essayed another turn, and
the machine yelled: .ra.
"Gee, Bill! Where in the dashna-
nation are you going, you son of mule
Peddi-whoa-a-a! Blast your eyes, can't
you"
The awfulness became more awful.
Three more sisters tainted, several
brothers clapped their hats on their
heads and their fingers into their ears,
and started for the door shouting Po-
liceW and the sexton hallooed "Mur-
der!' while the Deacon wildly clutched
the monograph by the neck. and choked
it till it was black in the face, and. it's
eyes bulged out an inch.
But twas no use The internal ar
rangements of the machine were evil
IDENTIFY demoralized, and the cylinder
continued to revolve, grinding out the
most frightful language ever heard out
side of political ward convention;
and when the audience were saluted
with "Pll knock your dashed brins out,
you long-eared-" they didn't wait for
the remainder of the address," but
got up as one mainland one woman
and made dash for the door in decid-
eddy panic-stricken manner. The Dea-
con, with his face the color of small
pox flag, threw the phonograph over the
pulpit, sprang after it and kicked it
down the aisle into the street, where
the sexton smashed it with an ak Just as
the Deacon's address began to issue from
its mouth-piece, and then placed it un-
der the hydrant and let stream of
water run on it all night.
A committee was appointed ON the
spot TO investigate what appeared to be
the Deacon's highly improper and pain
ful conduct, and that well-meaning per-
son has concluded to move West and
grow up with the country.