Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1878-11-08
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A MARRIED MANS M1sERY.-A man
of forty-fve, having wooden leg and the
look of one who had suffered long with the
toothache, sat down in the chair vacated
by the boy. and after smile of encourage
ment, said:
eff matters don't mend pretty soon I'll
either murder her or take my own life.''
domestic trouble, suppose?" queried
Bijah.
''That's it, sir; and Pm getting desper-
ate. I left home thinking I'd jump from
the dock. but I happened to think of you,
and SO thought I'd ask advice.''
sis the bread heavy?"
''Blast the bread! I can stand heavy
bread. stopped tea, raw meat, and half
cooked potatoes, but I can't and won't
stand this Internal whining, complaining
and jawing around.''
"Fellow-traveler along the tow-path of
Times broad-gauge canal, I think see
the pint. You have been married about
two years?'
"Not quite.''
ssYou are fifteen years older than your
wife?''
s-eighteen.'
"You have wooden leg, and she-she?''
ssShe hasn't, but I wish she had two of
'em!'' ISL
E'She likes good clothes2''
'sYou bet!"
''She likes the mad whirl of society-$16
bonnets, reserved seats at the opera, IS
boots, forty-button kid gloves, and trains
on her dresses?"
''She does-that's her to dotv' ex-
claimed the husband.
'sAnd you prefer your home evening
fire, newspaper, snow apples, game of
checkers, glass Of cider, cat on the hearth,
and so on?"
ssThat's the sort o. man I am, sir, and
She harnesses me to death. She's on the
trot all day, and on the CAD all the evening
and if I demonstrate, she says I want to
make slave and a prisoner of her. Il
''Don't you 60 along with her to the
theater and parties?"
IT used to, but for the last year she IS
got awful particular about my wooden
leg; says the public will think was shot
while stealing Chickens
ssDoes, eh2 And you sit at home and
keep your heels warm by the cook-stove
while she gallivants9"
ssThe same, sir: and now what shall do
about it? Something has got to be did,
and that right off, I'll be hanged to Davy
Crockett if I put mp with it another day
You are an older man than I am, and
you've had three wives to my one, and I'll
do just as you say about it.
'sFellow-man. you have been wrong from
the beginning, slowly answered Bijah, as
he looked out of the win dow in weary
way. 1.-THE man who marries woman
only half his age is a d. f. deceived fried
cake) at the start. Youth may reverence
old age. but love isn't reverence. Youth
and old age don't like their taters cooked
the same way, and the man who says they
do is forger. They don't see alike, and
it's cat-and-dog life. Then, again, you
have wooden leg, and you should have
married woman. with a glass eye or
broken nose as an offset. In that case nei-
Their party has any thing to twit the other
about. If I was to marry again. bald
headed as am, should look for lady
wearing No. 10 gloves, and No. 9 shoes as
an offset. Do you love your wife 20
ssWell, to be honest about it, l don't
think either of us is dying Of love-"
Epsa md
have a candid talk, divide up the things.
and part good friends. Give her the larg-
est half, throw in some small change, and
see that she gets safe home to her mother.
BY and by you can quietly secure bill of
divorce, get on some store clothes, and
look out for woman of fifty who has the
rheumatics SO that she can't gad.'
''That's honest, is it ?" .,,
isHonest Injun If you can't live happy
together don't hesitate to live happy apart.
No use of any scandal or hard words, but
divide up and call it bad mistake. This
killing ones self on account OF domestic
troubles is all bosh.''
'sThat's so, and I'll walk straight home
and begin the dividing-up business. Thank
you, Bijah; may your feet never stop
growing as reward for this.'
When he had departed Bijah took a
short cut through the alleys, and presently
gained position from whence he could
view the house where the man lived. De-
velopments did not tarry. The husband
had not been in the house five minutes be-
fore he was suddenly rushed out again, hat
and cane flying, and his share, consisting
of three flatirons; kettle, and two bricks
overlook him before he could dodge.
$50 young aad 50 artless ~ unused Bijab j,
as he turned away; s'and yet that last
brick thumped him between the shoulders
just as purity as if I'd thrown it myself p
Detroit Free Press.
aiDo you call that clothes ?" said sturdy
British customes official to the woman who
had sworn that there was nothing in her
trunk bat clothes for herself and husband,
sls he spoke he pointed 10 six bottles of
brandy ''she said testify those are
his nightcaps."
An Irishman, upon his arrival in the
United States, noting 45he great number
of military Titles, exclaimed ''What
divil of battle has been fought neag here,
where all the privztes were kilt
Young men should pattern after pianos
-he I'M RIGHT and grand.