South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1878-09-20
WIT AND IIUnIoR.

did," said the granger ''but the bull |
" asn't DOING; he was only making me
believe. aud. being in the middle of a |
forty.acre lot, | naturally had to make !
pretty quick time TO reach the fence a.
head OF him."
AS they were about to quaT, one OF
the party suddehly called out to anoth.
err: "lIello, Doughery. yer drinking
whisky? Sure it was only Yesterday We
told me Sc were taytotler." We'll"
said Sir. Dougherty, evidently discon.
certcd, you're right, Mr.. Kclly-its
quite right We arc--I am taytt tier, It's
true, but--l--'m not bigoted one -
"kEEp your patients alive" said an
old doctor to a graduating class of stu
cents; dead men pay no bills
A Quick CoNvERsroN.-A hard old
customer was Badge. He never was
known to attend church, and was con-
sidered the wickedest man in the small
town in which he resided. One night
his old cow was prowling about the house
seeking what she might devour and
stuck her head in the swill barrel. At
the time the barrel was so far in that
she made blind rush to free herself
from the incnmbrance. As luck would
have it, she struck Decline for the
house, and directly for the front door.
The old man was sitting inside tell
ing his family all about great murder
trial when the COW gave frightful below
which was prolonged by the empty bar
rel into roar. At the same time the
front door crashed from its hinges, and
the cow, with her uncommon head gear,
bolted into the room. cold Wickcd-
ness gave one agonizcd look at the
frightened demon which confronted him /;
each separate & individual hair stood on
end; shivering feeling crawled up and
down his back; his eyes protrudcd
from his head; altogether he was pic
ture of abject terror. Suddenly his
tongue loosened and he screamed "For
heavens sake take Mary She's better
prepared than an"
Since that event the man has Joined
an easy going church, which is one step
progressive, and be only swears now
when he sees old Brindle or the swill
barrel. The old COW ''fotched" him.
Burlington Hasokeye.
An old Irish soldier who prided him.
self upon his bravery, said he had fought
in the battle Of Bull run. When asked
if he retreated and made good his es.
cape, as others did on that famous occa.
sion, he replied, BE jabers, those that
didn't run arc there yit.''
The mother had cut her little daugb
ters hair to make "bangs." Surveying
her own work, she said: "Bessie. yes.
terday you looked as If you had no
sense. To-day you look as if your moth
or had none"
Our extra strong.minded woman has
remarked that an old bachelor is n man
who through selfish motives, has refrain
ed from making some woman wretcbed.
During last winter New Hampshire
woman cut and piled twenty three cords
ofwood Well, that is doing pretty fair.
Every man should encourage his wife TO
beat it, though.
a San Francisco woman having no
faith in banks carried around twenty
four hundred dollars in her hustle. Thus
her income was always in arrears
a chronic growler, who lives in
boarding house, keeps tue landlady in q
state of torment by always remarking
at inoal-time, Things are getting tough,
/ tell you
Ex-Governor Miller, OF Minnesota, is
delivering a lecture in that State which
is entitled All Men arc Liars His
ticket read, 'All men are Liars-admi,
one
The AFFABLE Mana mother and
her babe were among the many passen-
gers waiting at Western depot recent
~. She had child carefully wrapped
up,and this fact attracted the attention
ofa biz fellow with threcsiory overcoat
and rusty satchcl in his hand. Sitting
down beside her be remarked:
Gold weather for such little people,
isn't it?"
She family nodded.
Does he seem 70 feel II much?" con.
timed the man