Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1878-08-02
f u n !!

A Vicksburg wife informed her hus-
band the other morning that she was
working herself into the grave for the
want of hired girl, and, as he went out,
she leaned back and fell to weeping. The
children were making noise in the hall
as he passed out, and he called out:
"You won't stop this racket! Your
mother won't live a week, and when you
get a stepmother here next spring, she
won't put up with any such fooling!''
When he came home to dinner, his wife
met him with smile and said: "Isn't
ours cosy home, Richard, with only our
little family to look after!';
A good mother was trying to explain to
young hopeful the other day about fight
ing the devil. After telling the little fell
low who the devil was. and how hard to
resist successfully, he turned around and
said: mamma, I'd be scared OF the old
devil, but if was to come across one OF
his little devils I'd knock the stuffin' out
of him.
ssWho is he 2" said passer-by to pc
liceman, who was endeavoring to raise an
intoxicated individual, who had fallen in
to the gutter. ssCan't say, sir,' replied
the policeman; ''he can't give no account
of himself. ''-''Of course not, !" replied the
other, show can you expect an account
from man who has lost his balance 7"
Tommy came home from school and
handed to his father the teachers report
on his progress during the month. ''This
is very unsatisfactory, Tom; you've very
small number of good marks. Pm net at
all pleased with it, II told the teacher
you wouldn't be, but he wouldn't alter
it,"
Shocks boy heard him say the other day
that there was money in hens, and be pro-
ceeded to investigate his fathers poultry
yard. He had gone through dozen fine
specimens, when the old gentleman came
upon him, and the boy now wonders if
there is any balm in Gilead.
Theoretically speaking, the pen may be
greater than the sword, but when you
come to regular Touchdown and grag-
out argument, nine men out of every ten
will stick the pen horizontally behind the
ear and look carefully around for good
big club.
It takes drug clerk of broad judgment
and liberal views, and calm, statesman
like control of his features, to know how
to give citizen the right kind of syrup in
his soda water when the citizens wife says
she will take the same as her husband.
Peach brandy is used in the manufac-
ture of the mucilage with which postage
stamps are gummed. Gentle reader, if
you see any of your fellow townsmen stag
gering, don't say they are drunk; they may
have Just mailed some letters.
An Illinois clergyman meets heart bro
ken girl on the train; tells her there is a
better land; supports her fainting fofms
helps her off at a small station, and finds
his watch and $500 gone-Does it pay to be
good?
Jackson:papers are boasting about two
locomotives being put together in two
hours and fifty minutes in that place. We
once saw two engines put together near
this place in less than five seconds.
ssCome, pa" said chap from school,
<shoW many peas are in pint?" How can
anybody tell that, foolish boy?'' Il can,
every time, you bet; there is just enc p in
pint, the world over"
Please take.notice that you never hear
of breach of promise suit in which the
mother doesn't seem to know much more
about the case than the girl. Key-holes
were not made in vain.
A lady sent to the Philadelphia "Snn"
man to borrow a newspaper containing
something pretty and interesting. The
fellow wrapped himself up in paper. and
toddled off to see her.
ssWonld you not love to gaze on Niagara
forever" said a romantic young girl to
a less romantic companion. "Oh. no,
should not like to have q cataract always
in my eYe."
A man died in st. Louis recently and In
his will, after stating that he never for
got a favor, left 81 900 to an individual
who ten years before ran away with his
wife.
It is said that barefoot girl in Richie
county the other day kicked tramp out
OF the house, and an observing mule went
behind barn and wept.
There are beautiful warm soda springs
in Colorado. and people who go bathing in
them at once exclaiH2s sob! but this is So
dalicious."
A vag says there is something mex
,,,,assibly sad about the music of the
church organ when collection is being
made.
A lady, the other day Joking about her
nose. said, II had nothing to do in the
shaping of it. It was birthday present. !"
Two twin brothers are said to be so much
alike that they frequently borrow money
from one another without knowing it.
IT. takes all the enjoyment out of a game
of croquet to hear it called an amusement
within the reaail of the feeblest intellect.
Swallow-tails newer 60 out OF fashion
TINT it seems to us that newspaper readers
don't swallow tales as they used 70,
Noah must have been the author OF,
47Arsl hear a voice way up on the
mountain top"
Almost every young lady is. public