Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1878-09-26
FUNNYGRAFHs.

Ter.
Now let the wild charge on the oyster
beds begin. Hip! hip-a raw.-NeD
Haven Register.
"HEAvEN lies about us in our infan-
cy," and we do our lying for ourselves
when we get older.
SOME people are like green Holsters
they never know when TO let go when
you shake hands with them.
SoLILoQUY by tippler-The public
drinking, and never when you are thirsty
The prince imperial of Japan might
in time have become good polo player.
Death cuts short many bright prospect
AN essay commencing "Dim emana-
ton of inchoate thought, immortal in
perennial evanescence," is respectfully
declined.
The Boston Post says it costs as much
to bury man decently in New YORK as
it does to live for six months in fine style
in London.
ACCORDING to the Buffalo Ezpress,
"lager beer doesn't intoxicate. 1t is the
weighs them down.
SOME clothing was stolen recently from
the Office of the New London Telegram.
The editor must have been taking bath
at that time.-Danielsonville Sentinel.
A CELEBRATED philosopher used to
say, "The favors of fortune are like
steep rocks-only eagles and creeping
things mount to the summit"
A CAMPER-oUT who went for his
health says he is heartily glad to get
home so that he can recruit for another
season of healthful pleasure next year
The Paris green did not exactly kill
the potato bugs, but it SO seriously I'M
paired their intellect that they have gone
to eating Canada thistles.-Danbury
News.
SCIENCE says that it took millions OF
years to evolve man from the oyster;
observation shows that it takes less than
minute to transfer the oyster to the
man.
SOME sojourner at one of the alum
springs in West Virginia publishes in a
local paper, AN ode to the springs"
Of course it's alum-cde.- I0nker's Ga.
zette.
/ WE'LL give a handsome wedding
present to the man who'll marry the
young lady who thumps all day on the
piano in our boarding. ouse.-hew York
Express.
If you are stung by bee, use harts-
horn; if bitten by a snake, get trunk.
So physicians say. 0, hang bee sting!
give us snake bite.-Cincinnati Break
fast Table.
NATURE misses great many golden
opportunities. For instance, she could
produce some people with handouts on
their wrists, and thus save the police
heap of trouble-Free Press.
"BEDAD,' said a patriotic Irishman
Yesterday, "but it's a ripe watermelon
that should be the emblem of Ireland.
1t always has the green above the red."-
Philadelphia Chronicle.
AN intelligent and sensitive journa
imparts this bit Of delicate and useful
information to it's fourteen millions OF
readers: "It is not polite to bite corn
from the cob in the presence of people
who have false teeth
Chow is the corpse?" asked an Ann
t Arbor medical student of the picker.
"The corpse?' was the reply, the
r corpse? Oh, it's in the best of spirits"
| For proof of which he showed the liquor
: that it was put up in.-Keokuk Constltu'
ton.
A NEWSPAPER editor, as he takes in
an exchange, will discover the title of
his own paper in solid page of reading
| matter as quickly as young lady who
is one of group standing before mir
ror discovers her own refectioD.-Rome
| Sentinel.
The Philadelphia Times has a depart
: ment headed "Men and Things" It is
all right to give the man the first place,
5 but does the Times consider it the most
7 gallant thing in the world to snub
, women by calling them such name?-
t Rochester Express.
/ FEATHERS will be universally wora
t this winter.-Fashioa Item. Guess not,
t exclaims the Norristown Herald man.
s We shall not wear feathers-not soil
, tary feather. If our friends choose to
make themselves ridiculous they can do
so; but no feathers for us.
ONE of the best cures we know of for
: smallpox is to have a fellow poke his
head in at the door of the patients room
! and whisper in stage aside, els he
: dead yet? I'm after that ulster!" We
q have been there, and know what it is to
I live just to spite fellow.-N. Y. Com
| n,ercial Advertiser.
? Now and then there is a clergyman
. who saws good things out of the pulpit.
8 The late Rev. DR.. George Bethune was
r once asked why the cook didn't eat her
apron, and after Mrs. Bofin had with
drawn remarked that the cook didn't eat
her apron because it went against her
stomach.
!. THIS is surely the worst yet. What is
the difference between Cough and a
magician? (any mrgician who wants an
s ad. will have his name inserted on re-
? ceipt of W. Because Cough is a
prestige agitator, and agitator OF pres
t tiqe, YOU know, and magician (the
3 name can be inserted here for two dol
$ lars more) is, of course, prestidigitator.
1 Boston Traveller.
8 "THERE are seventeen sculptors and
}. painters from the United States now re-
: Siding in Rome" read Mrs. Bemls from
the newspaper. "H'm!" grunted MI.
e Bemis, who was amounting his feet COW
t erings with the extract of hog; "no
, wonder couldn't get painter to white
! wash that she'd" Mrs. Bemis glore an
I awful glare at him.-Rockland Courier.
p LEGAL perseverance, with all its won
p drous ingenuity, is not always successful
! in eliciting the desired answer. Was
n there anything in the glass?'' asked a
a counsel of somewhat reluctant witness.
: "Well, there was something in it," he
. replied. "Ah! l thong hit we should get
at in time," observed the triumpban,tt
questioner. CHOW, my good fellow, ten
us what the something was" The gooo
, fellow took time to think over it, ana al al
last he drawled out, (" 1t were spoon!'
+ Mn, HARRISON, says the Norristown
! HeroH onjv engaged in farming last
spring. and having 9g h mo ea man t. s,ner-