Smyrna times., 1878-09-11
WHOLE NO. 1919.
Humorous.
No end to them-A lady's rings

tacture? lie make the FREELY.
A fish-monger is never generous, because
his business makes him sell fish.
A dead hen may be better than live
one, as she will lag where you put her.
A man who used stone jar for a pillow,
stuffed it with straw to enhance its COM
fort.
Taking things as they come isn't so very
difficult. It's parting with them as they go
that's hard.
Illustrated with cuts" as the boy said
when he drew his knife across the leaves of
his grammar.
"Is your house a warm one, landlord ?"
" 1t ought to be; that painter gave it two
coats recently"
A little boy when reproved for breaking
a new rocking horse, said, What's the
good of q horse till it's brolle?'
An artist in New Jersey painted a dog
SO naturally, that the animal had the
hydrophobia during the dog days
"Our church will probably last great
many years yet" said a waggish deacon to
the minister, 'for l see the Sleepers are very
sound"
Put out your tongue a little further"
said doctor to lady patient. "Do you
think, sir, there is no end to a womans
| tongue?"
| A collection box was passed to foreigner
in church, who mistaking its object, whis-
pered to the deacon, " I'm not naturalized,
and can't vote"
A man suddenly made rich bought an
expensive carpet. He said to a visitor
"There, sir, is one of the best carpets Mr..
| Brussels ever made"
! A doctor and military officer became
enamOured of the same lady. She said it
was hard to choose between them, as they
were such killing tello,cs.
short man was asked if he had fallen
in love with certain tall woman. "Do
you call it falling in love-" replied he, otis
more like climbing to it,
An Irshman fell from scaffold to the
ground. A fellow laborer called out:
" Mickey, Mickey, are you dead?" "Not
dead, replied Mickey, but spachless."
r A boa constructor at the Philadelphia
Geological Gardens swallowed an army
: blanket under the impression that he was
getting a new kind of raspberry shortcake.
DR.. Ganse, of St. Louis uttered a true
r sentiment, when, speaking to the working
men of the Sabbath, and its value to them,
he said, "Don't girdle the tree that shades
: you"
j A placard in the window of patent.
. | medicine man in Paris reads as follows:
T. The public are requested not to mistake
l. this shop for that Of another quack just op-
n posite."
. A Western man was asked why he did
% not not take the newspaper. " Because"
! said he, "my father, when he died, left me
$ good many newspapers, and have not
read them through yet"
y Snodgrass says his landlady at a quiet
to Summer resort asked, "Why sir, did you
is set your cup of tea on the chair ~ to which
tsS query he replied, at is so very weak,
to ma am, l thought | would let it rest
lie Vermont's fat woman, Mrs. Albert Smith,
ieiii of Rochester, died recently, her weight
being over 400 pounds, and the coffin in
which she was buried at Saxton's river was
as wide as common express wagon.
~ ~ "What is the matter ?" asked lawyer
- of his coachman. "The horses are running
away, sir" Can't you pull them up?"
81 am afraid not "Then," said the law
~ on yer, after judicial delay, "run into some
~ - thing cheap"
A witness called to prove the correctness
ad of a doctors bill, was asked whether he
IN did not make several visits after the patient
it was out of danger. "No, l consider the
els patient in danger as long as the doctor
continued his visits"
1a Singular, isn't it, that when a man gives
OF his wife a dime to buy box of hairpins,
I1S nc or a gum ring for the baby, it looks about
ha seven times as big as when he planks it
"a down on the bar for little gin and bitters
he for the stomachs sake?
lb- A little girl was reproved for playing out
he doors with boys, and informed that, being
he seven years old, she was "too big for that
now" But, with all imaginable innocence,
o she replied =" Why, the bigger we grow,
the better we like 'em."
eth An old gentleman has just died in Hi
ew nois who held the Office of postmasters in q
small town for more than thirty years. He
tes, said he thought he might have worried
of through another Summer if there hadn't
the been so many postal cards to read.
Edison has worn his head nearly BALD
rks irving to invent machine that would cal
pen culate with some kind of accuracy the diff
Gus ference between the weight of a fish wher
it is first taken out of the water, and wher
osi- it gets in the newspapers. 1t KANT be did
,an sne A man who for years had refused to con
,ort tribute to the support of the gospel, aston
ished his neighbors by donating a sum to
,di. wards the purchase of a bell for a new
and church, alleging as his reason, that he al
cie- ways put his money where he could hea
y of it ring.
sue At a funeral in Ireland the clergyman
. Aes. had not been informed of the sex of th'
"'a deceased. He accordingly leaned over t.
.t the sexton and said, "Shall | say brother
a,a sne or sister here departed?" SITS neither
,ont SIR" whispered the man; "shure it wa
Ri only an acquaintance
ork, An absent minded professor ran agains
ling a COW. In the confusion of the moment
fra he raised his hat and explained, l bel
the your pardon, madam" Soon after b,
10 stumbled against lady on the street. II
up up sudden recollection of his former mishap
iTm1 iIaG he called out, ais that you again, yol
II brute?"
. II. "Peter what are you doing to that boy :?
said a schoolmaster =" He wanted to knoy
cOnd if you take ten from seventeen how man
will remain2 So took ten of his apples
. show him, and now he wants l should Civ
an them back" "Well, why don't you do i
rails then 9n 1Coz sir, then he would forge