Litchfield enquirer., 1878-08-29


 A doctor went out for days hunting and on coming home complained that he hadn't killed anything. ''That's because you didn't attend to your legitimate business" said his wife.
 Show ns the youth who does not tremble in. anticipation of seeing his girl when he has sunburnt nose, and we shall show unto you hero destined to shake to world. Foster says there was no bargain between Hayes and the southern democrats, and the rascals have gone and broke it, and he will never trust them again. Cider may be a good temperance drink, but can manage to git so drunk on it that kant tell one ov the 10 commandments from bye law ov baseball klub.-Josh Billings
 A five year old youngster, seeing drunken fellow, said "Mother, did God make that man ?" ''Yes, she replied. "I wouldn't have done it " was young innOcent's answer.
 ''How is it, Miss, you gave your age to the census-taksr as only twenty-five when you were born the same year was, and I am thir- ty-nine?'' ''Ah you have lived much faster than I, sir"
 It is noticeable that the man who hasn't been inside of chnrch since he was a boy is the one who howls the loudest because an over- worked preacher goes away for two weeks vacation in August.
 A seaside belleleft he1bathing shoes hanging out of her hotel window to dry, and the next day the local paper announced ''that such hotel had put up new awnings, of an unique design"
 A country newspaper says that young cor netist who took first prize last week, lis an artist of the first water" Why not say an ar- tist of the first wind? Very few comets run by water.
 A lecturer, addressing mechanics institute, contended that "Art could not improve Ma turs, when one of the audience set the whole assembly in roar by exclaiming: "How would you look without your wig?"
 Aunt Maria (who has been roughly used by the waves): ''True as live, Marion, I've lost my upper set in that last tumble we got in the surf. What on earth shall l do at dinner time ? And this salt air gives one such an appetite !"
 It seems rather strange thatth workingmen in their protest against both the old parties, have picked up for their leaders the scalawags and rascals the old parties have crowded out, if they have not kicked out.
 Said an aristocratic little miss: ''Ma, if were to die and go to heaven, should wear my moire-antique dress?" ''No, dear, in the next world we shall not wear the attire of this. "Then, ma, how would the Lord know 1 be- longed to the best society,""
 When certain minister referred, in the midst of an eloquent discourse, to the nave in the church, three gentlemen offered their pews for sale, on the ground that he was becoming too personal.
 "There it is again." said Kearney, as he read of the Bridgeport editors adventure with the burglar. ''Thats the way these slimy imps of darkness crowd down the toiling mass. Would that 1 had his fostering carcass hanging on Mars clothes-line"
 "Ma," said a thoughtful boy, q don't think Solomon was so rich as they say he was ;' "Why, my dear, what could have put that in to your head?" "Why the Bible says he slept with his farthers; and 1 think if he had been so very rich, he would have had bed of his own"
 Four boys while whstlng 'Grandfathers Clock" and "Whoa Emma few days ago, were killed by lightning. (This is falsehood but is it a sin to lie for good, wholesome purpose? All of this paragraph outside of the parenthesis should be read to the boys.)
 Dr. Holland is noted fer his good advice. but WLCll uC SdJo. udhC ldCc IuC ullITUT Ol the soul, he blunders Just think of the hid eousncss of features that would result from the reckless and universal practice of this exhorta- ton.
 An old gentleman has just died in Illinois who held the office of postmaster in small town for more than thirty years. He said he thought he might have worried through anoth- CT summer if there hadn't been so many postal cards to read
 Dog seller: '"That ere hanimaIs the real stock, mum, and dog-cheap at five pound" Young widow: ''It's a sweet pretty darling black and white but in my present state of bereavement you may procure me one entirely black. This will do very we'll for half-mourn- ing in about six months"
 The other day as two newly-arived Irish men were walking up Kearney street, a pave- ment trap door opened and Chinese store DOT ter emerged. "Be gorra!' said one of the Paddles, eff the heather haven't got tunnel clane thro' from Chinee, bad luck to them"
 An American tourist was visiting Naples, and saw Vesuvius during an eruption. "Have you anything like that in the New World?" was the question of an Italian spectator. "No," replied Jonathan, "but guess we have mill dam that would put it out in five minutes"
 At the Vienna theaters no checks are given for persons to go out with between the acts. A couple of young Americans recently enter ed Vienna theater and not being cognizant of this rule, went totally unprepared for drought. The result was that they died of thirst before the curtain fell on the third act.
 An Irishman accosted gentleman on the street, late at night, with request for the time. The gentleman suspecting that Pat wish ed to snatch his watch gave him stinging rap on the nose, with the remark, 'EIt has just struck one!" "Be jabbers," retorted Pat, ''Pm glad didn't aX veg an hour ago!"