Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1878-05-25
RULDOZING AT THE WHITE
HOUSE.

ShISe. LtttS GtSftH.
Little York Ill.
RULDOZING AT THE WHITE
HOUSE.
why the Mrs. IL. B. Hayes Temper
ance Society Changed
its Name,
1t has gone the rounds of the
papers that a Temperance Society
was formed somewhere north and
named the "Mrs. Hayes Temper
ance Society,"" and that afterwards
that very society expelled Mrs.
Hayes from its roll because claret
punch was allowed on some vessel
on which the Presidential party was
taking a jaunt. The following,
which we take from the Buffalo
Express, is an amusing burlesque
on what was very stupid burlesque
at first:
The severity of the Mrs. r. B.
Hayes Temperance Society towards
the lady whose name it had adopt
ed was not reSOrted to until every
effort had been made to show that
the lady was not guilty Of the claret
punch business. A committee of
several called upon and interviewed
her. They were as gentle as possible
under the circumstances, but firm.
They had armed themselves with
al, lC II :
necessary, but the weapons were
considerably left at the door, and
they advanced upon her as peaceful
citizens, with the single exception
of the pistols in their hip pockets.
"SOhow said the speaker of the
committee, ''yOu've been att again,
have you? 1t is claret punch this
time, is it? A beverage both seduc-
tive and destructive, wearing the
purple to deceive with, and having
upon its bosom various pieces of the
deleteriOus lemon whereWith to
give it an aspect of spice and variety.
| hate it! And what have you to
say about it, Madame ?'
"Sir," said Mrs. Hayes, her eyes
filling with tears, cit wasn't my
fault. / assure you that / saw no
cIaret punch during the whole eX-
eursiOn."
"What !" said the speaker of the
committee cycling her suspiciOusly.
"Did you not smell it? Do you
mean to tell me that it wasn't float
ing in the air? l will go further.
Am [ TO believe, Madame, that you
drank no claret punch while on that
wicked excursions"
81 did not sir!" replied Mrs.
Hayes with some indignation. Sand
what should | have done? Made a
spectacle of myself by wasting the
beverage on the floor or throwing it
overheard ? Got up and become
disagreeable by making a speech
against it? / could not have done
it if | had tried, gentlemen. / cam
not make speeches.
"She cannot make speeches even
for Temperament said the speaker
of the committee to his companions
with look of horror. "She is like
wise afraid of being improper in
such a cause as ours. Oh, shame! !!
where is thy blush ?' He turned
upon the terrified lady and remark
ed, "We will proceed to another
branch of the subject. Permit me
to ask if, during the unhappy ex-
cursion, you permitted your shame
less, your unworthy husband to
kiss you. Let me inquire if that
fraud-I speak plainly Madam
assumed to pOlute your lips with
his own-thOse lips of his which
were undoubtedly reeking with the
filth known as-as claret punch.
Answer me at once, If you please ?'
"But what could do 2" said Mrs.
Hayes hesitatingly. ''Is he not my
husband? And if he did kiss me,
could heipit? What would you say
a wife should do inI such emergen-
cies? Pray think, and be a little
merciful."
"Never mind that now" said the
speaker gloOmily. "You did kiss
that base wreck of a long forgotten
manhood then-yOu have the
audacity to confess itand the shame
IessneSS to ask for mercy. But let
us proceed. Did you discover in
that unchaste salute anythingOf the
nature of this-this diabOlical claret
punch ?"
81 did not" returned Mrs Hayes,
promptly. "Rutherford may have
said nothing against the wicked
beverage, but / do not think he
touched it. l detected nothing in
his breath which was Objectionable,
and | think-I know, sir, his lips
were not stickey."
piciously, glaring around as if to say
that he was not to be deceived. $50
far, so good. Now tell me, if you
please, are you in the habit, for de-
ceitful or other purposes, of wearing
cotton in your nose"
''Truly l am not" said Mrs.
Hayes, apparently shocked at the
question, and trembling with agita-
ton.
"You seem to be frank" returned
the speaker of the committee, "but
| am not to be caught with mere
chaff. Listen Madam ; what means
that look of guilt on your cOunte-
nance? Why the paleness of that
complexion What makes you
tremble so, and why is your voice
husky? But never mind. / shall
be merciful. 1 will give you a
chance for your life. You have but
to do little thing and our society
will retain your name and refrain
from criticism of the claret punch
iniquity. Will you, Madame, APP
ply to the courts at your earliest
convenience for divorce from the
base person who seems to be your
husband?
"No sir, said Mrs. Hayes rather
Indignantly. "It is impossible sir;
impossible"
stThen all is lost" said the speak
er of the committee, with great
firmness of tone and look of one