The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1878-12-26
Wit and HumOr.

BIRD in the hand, II 1t Is good
sized spring chicken, is now worth about
a dollar.
A MARRIED couple are one until they
Jointly attack somebody else. Then it is
two against one.
IT is dangerous to light a match in
Washington while Congress is in session.
Too much gas there.
CHICAGO furnishes 100000 drinks of
whisky day. What a city to organize
Tammany society in.
In Philadelphia, to make julep, all
that is needed is the liquor. The mint
we have always with us.
WE nominate Dr. Mary Walker for
Doorkeeper of the House. She's the gal
that doesn't allow smoking.
AN eminent medical authority states
that hydrophobia can be caught from
cats. From cats you can also catch tleas.
"WHAT's the matter with your eye,
Tommy "Oh. it's only been going
through an operation at the hands of a
knockulist; that's all"
"WELL, l swan, Billy" said an old far
mer to an understood nephew who was
visiting him, "when you take off that
ere plug hat and spit two or three times
there amt much left of you, is th'?'
"YoU should not be out late at night"
said father to his son; might air is very
unwholesome." The son replied: "Do
you think 50, father? Then how do you
account for the longevity Of the owl and
the bat2'
IT must have been an American school
where the mistress told one of the big
girls to "decline love-" The big girl
simperingly replied, decline love, Miss
Jonesl Not me; Id as soon think Of de-
clining marriage"
A POLITICAL speaker accused rival of
"unfathomable meanness and scoundrel-
ISM" and then rising to the occasion,
said: g! warn him not to persist in his
disgraceful course, or he'll find that hco
Of us can play at that game
A MAN in Georgia lost a large number
of chickens the day before neighb6r
gave "a great dinner party to which he
was not invited. "You see he said,
che was afraid to have me there lest my
chickens should caCkle on seeing me
"WnY," asked a teacher in Sunday
school, did solomon tell the sluggard
to 90 to the ante because, said 10
year old boy, "he knew that his aunt
would have him at the woodpic or in the
onion bed every afternoon as soon rs
school was out
"Ie wos koind master, he was. lie
thought of me afore he died, and in his
will he said 4 leave to my son William
both them sheep wot was lost last week,
if they gets found, and in case they dosn't,
leave EN- to my faithful servant Joseph.
| hopes they won't get found"
WE SHOULD THINK So.-Ioung Jones
(who has been giving his fathers new
brougham horse little exercise before
the days work. "She don't make "A bad
saddle horse, Steward, but she's got a
beastly habit of lighting on her knees af
ter every tence-instcad of her feet
A YOUNG apprentice to the shoe making
business asked his master what answer
he should give to the often-repeatcd
question, "Does your master warrant bis
shoesW ANSWER, Thomas said the mas
ter, "that | warrant them to prove good,
and if they don't I'll make them good for
nothing
"LARRY, my wife and have both no
ticed that the townspeople stare very
hard. hope you haven't been telling
anybody that we are newly married -
"Me tell EN-, sori Is it likely Ia go
agin my express orders! Why, whinever
anybody thryed to pump me, sor, tould
'em you wasn't married at all"
SAID company of young men from
the city to an old farmer "Why did you
tell us there was good hunting in your
woodsl We've been tramping through
them for hours without seeing sign of
any game" "Well," said the old man,
with wink, 81 suppose the less game
there is the more huntin' there'll be-
WHEN the late Bishop of oxford was
travelling eastward to attend the Church
Congress at Norwich, lady sitting OPP
posite to him commented in tlattering
terms on the eloquence and ability of the
great Anglican divine, quite unconscious
that she was addressing him. "But why,
sir" she added, "do people call him
Soapy SAM" "Well, madam" replied
the Bishop, III suppose it is because he
has always been in good deal of hot
water, and always manages to come out
with clean hands,
New DEFINITION A famous Roman
ecclesiastic was making his periodical
tour of inspection in the Dublin Sunday
schools. kate Molony," said he to an
intelligent looking girl, explain the
meaning of the holy Sacrament of Mat
rimony." A pause. "Please, yer honor,