Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1878-12-03
FUNNY.GRAPHS.


When is lawyer strongest? When
he is fee blest.
Take away women, and what would
follow? The men.
"Now is the time for husking bees,o
shouts all exchange. All right; if any
one wants to husk bee he can do so.-
We don't.
Within a week General Butler has
been posted as liar by fellow officer,
General Gordon, and has made no re-
ply.-Boston Herald.
One reason why more people did Eot
go into the ark is, that Noah neglected
to advertise in the papers. There is
great moral lesson contained in this
fact.
"Sandy, what is the state of religion
in your town ?'' bad, sir, very bad !!
There are no Christians except Davie
and myself, and have my doubts about
Davie."
Said he, Matilda, you are my dearest
trying to stuff me-" She was too sage
for him. but she gravy-tated into his
arms all the same"
A newly welded couple from the
country went to Pittsburg. and for the
first time in their lives saw and bought
some peanuts. "There. Mandy! ex
claimed the bridegroom, after few mo-
meDts of vehement suction, II know'd
we'd be sold; I've been sucking that
darned thing fur five minutes, an there
amt bit of juice in it! Come on, let's
go!"
Pat applied for ticket to me Yark"
at the Providence station the other day.
ashore line?'' said the ticket clerk
'.Shure line! What nd be takin' a
line as wasn't shure." ashore, said
on shore: on shore" ''Shore! to be
sure do; I'm not going to say at all,
hegorra dye think Pm after sther-
edge psssidge, an not acquainted wild
railroad cahr-r ?''-Boston Commercial
Bulletin
A young lady, being addressed by a
gentleman much Older than herself, OBJ
served that the only objection she had
to a union with him was the probability
of his dying before her and leaving her
to the sorrows of widowhood. To
which he made the mplirnentary re-
ply: "Blessed is the man who has a
virtuous wife. for the number of his
days shall be doubled"
Tampering with the beard is always a
dangerous experiment. An eminently
respectable citizen, who shaved off his
moustache last week, was mistaken for
a noted baseball player within less than
two hours afterward, and urgently en-
treated to pray for ID sick man the
following day. His wife bankrupted a
broom handle and domoraiiZed brand
ci11 l,af al, him Nff IL, 10
house, while dog that he had fondIed
from puppyhood tore his pants, and the
baby was scared so bad that it hasn't
got through giving its mother the par
ticulars yet.
Virginia Nevada) Chronicle: II &C
knowledge being drunk, Judge, and
making disturbances. A woman can't
live like an oyster in shell. One might
as well be buried. Beecher was saying
the other night that lots of people were
going round dead as door nails, and
not buried. When I heard about that
remark T thought it applied to me, and
so concluded I'd liven up I guess
the boys thought was a lively corpse
when [ started in on the windows
People won't charge me with being
dead. if I can help it. I've been about
as dead as they make 'em for about two
months, but I guess Pm all right now"
Tell us not in mournful numbers that
this life is but dream, when girl that
weighs one hundred gets outside a
quart Of cream, and then wants more
Elnaird Gazette Life is real, life is
earnest, and the girls know what they
need. but on cream they are the durn-
dest set to show their grit and greed.
No encore.-Ncac York NcWs. Let us,
then, be up and doing, with a heart for
any fate; but never let US go a wooing
girls that want a second plate How's
that ?-Neaosbcy Dust thou art fool
in boarding. it's the road to honey.
moons, lows is iife's ice cream, or least
ways, but matter of two spoons
Cincinnati Commercial.
"Ethel Vane" sends us poem, "Why
Does Swee Slumber Shun Ny Eyes? ?"
Why? When girl scarcely nineteen
years old eats an o'clock supper of
cold tongue, broiled steak, salt macker-
Ell, fried potatoes, doughnuts, cold apple
pie, fried eggs. fresh peaches, a slice of
watermelon, and two cups of coffee, hor-
rified slumber will pack it's trunk and
climb on to the first train that will take
it farthest away, and all the poetry in
the Baptist College won't bring it back
to you for n week. Don't ask any more
such conundrums, Ethel; these are stir
ring, earnest times that thrill with peril
and impending danger, and our liar is
tuned to loftier strains.-BwlingtO
HuaUESve.