Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1878-02-05
A Humorist's Lecture.
WHAT THE BURLINGTON "HAWK-EYEn
EDITOR KNOS OF MUSTACHEs. u..

WHAT THE BURLINGTON "HAwK-RYEu
EDITOR KNOS OF MUsTACHEs. t..
Mr.. r. J. Burdette, of the Burlington
Haaoh-Eye, appeared quite at home in
the pulpit Of the Handsome Place Me-
thodist Church, Brooklyn, says New
York paper. His lecture on "The Rise
and Fall of the Mustache" was received
with apparent delight. He followedthe
history of the average boy, whom, to
personify, he called Tom, through the
trials of childhood and youth, describing
minutely his efforts at mustache,
Tom is unfortunate enough to suffer
from his mothers tonsorial arts. She
gnaws around his terrified locks with
shears that have cut miles and miles of
calico, snuffed innumerable candles,
trimmed lamp wicks, opened oyster
cans, pried up carpet-tacks, cleaned and
trimmed the family nails, and many
and many time have done their level
best to'cut stove-pipe. She perseveres
until from the effects of this ever recur-
ring season for cropping his locks Tom
becomes an object of terror in the
neighhorhOod. Finally, impelled by
| fato, he sits down in a barber's chair,
| and musters courage to call for "a
shave" when an Esau dar5ens the door
and he hes his hair cut again. The bar.
ber finds the boys closely cut head a
| very old pasturage for his ordinary ap-
paratns, SO he holds TOMS hair in his
| teeth and files it, then Furnishes it, and
finally parts it with a straight.edge and
scratch-all. Long before this. epoch in
| Toms history he has cast longing eyes
on the ancestral shaving machine at
home. 1t is not necessary to follow the
process by which he obtains possession
of the paternal razor, but it is scarce in
| his keeping before the blade buckles on
him. First blOoT' is claimed and al
lowed for the steel. He manages to
nick 1t, but eonsoels himself with the
thought that his father will never no.
tice it." He soaks it with water at $50
degrees Fahrenheit and slaps it against
bis cheek, as he has seen his father do
and swears as he had never heard his
father swear. A series of grimaces con-
tort the upper lip into proper shape to
receive the razor. All at once Tom,
perceiving the embarrassing. pearness
of the nose, falls to Specializing why a
mans upper lip is SO situated that he
himself cannot get at it exceptby stand
ing on his head. ,.-z9 -
|. Aftera long and exciting ''tilt,u Toms
upper lip suggested a free fight in a
straw cutter. In time Tom gets his
mustache to that stage where it can be
| felt-ls felt, soft felt. Has sister sug-
gests that he shave it with a spoonful of
cream and the. family cat, and at this
ralllery he smiles, but with smile that
looks as though it had come up there to
weep at the baroness of the landscape.
ooh f,x L. i
die and yery-no longer at the ends,
Meanwhile he falls in love with some-
body, which causes a necktie epidemic,
IN which he tries to find colOrs that will
match his mustaehe Or Laura's dress.
He brushes his mustache to make it
stand out, and wakes it to make it lie
down he prays for it and swears at
It, and resorts to ''nagic dyes" that are
warranted not to stain or injure the
skin" The first application bIackens
his lip so much that the room gets dark
ler-but each individual hair is un-
stained and untainted. Rugged out in
boots too short at both ends he FORM
nlates nice speeches on his way to see
Laura. He passes from the weather to
philosophy, poetry and Robustness, all
IN Imagination. Bat as he nears the
door he feels his ideas breaking up like
an early spring. His thoughts-eac
every, all and several, on all subjects
that hs ever knew about or every hoped
70 learn of-vanished. His record that
night as he leaves her home convinces
hipi that he is not a very brilliant, origi
= nal. conversational success. His pillow
that night contains more sleeplessnes
than the mosquito that sat up all nigh
. to sample martyrs blood He haste
every body, and thought he may live I,
Q he as old as an army overcoat, he will
never again feel the same. degree q
It ecstatic wrethedness and heavenly for
lornness as be feels that night.
e Mr. Burdette saw Tom safely take
Sup, ''if not taken in,n by Laura. trinm
+ phantly interview pal and "ma
described the alteration between tho
It two about Tom, until the debate clos
ed and they went into executive se.
II sion;" told how he demnreIy mt r.
gether much "disjoined stove-Iipe. bo,
IS ENDS OF each piece of which was bipa.
is than any Of the other ends in the io1.
and finatly left him and Laura wit
se another Tom, SO irrepressibie that tn
SIRE has to hire a brass band 10 kee
se from being lonesome when hfs hopeft
j scion ia o,lt - ~