Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1878-08-13
WIT, HUMOR, and FANCY.

VIII, HUMOK, AND FANCY.
It's no use to tell a book agent you
don't want anything. He knows bet
ter.-BOStOn Globe.
1t is as inappropriate to wear white
cloth suit after o'clock as to appear in
"swallow-tail" coat in the morning.
A question up for debate before a ly-
ceum OF neighboring towniis: az a
bobtale kat as handsome as the egal on
the moo doller."
She was plump and beautiful, and he
was wildly fond of her; she hated him,
but, wOman.like, she strove to catch
him. He was flea.
A man never knows how much money
he can command or how many virtues
he possesses until he commits murder or
runs off with another mans wife.
Hens are often set in their ways
Traveller. Yes, and SO are types some
times set in way that makes the edi-
tor speak sulphurically. Bulle-
tin.
What" asks the Philadelphia Press,
becomes of all the promising chill
dren?" We know what becomes of
their promising fathers; they go to pro-
test.
Those glorious summer nights are
here when lover whispers imprisoned
words in the dreamy ear of a favored
maiden, and feels his undershirJ stick
ing closer than a brother.
A respectable callous on the palm of
the hand can be raised by the use of a
milestone in two or three days. We
publish this for the benefit of National
candidates.-Ioledo Blade.
"A story is abroad that a petrified ham
has been discovered in Virginia.-N. O.
Picdyu7e. Can't shoulder that upon us.
Detroit Free Press. A rasher state
ment could not be made.-London I'D
Uertiser.
The rain is supposed to descend upon
the just and unjust, but the sun doesn' t
appear to do business that way. While
in St. Louis, Beecher is still enjoying
good health.
Charles Francis Adams was heard to
remark on Friday noon, when the Their
mometer marked 1O4 degrees in the
shade, that if it got much hotter he
would have to leave off his f1annels.-
NorristoaUn Herald.
President Hayes is said to be the most
accomplished croquet player in the Dis
trict of Columbia. Fore Heaven, we
call all men to witness that we always
said this man was good for something
Burlington Hawkeye.
Smith does not think that his daugh-
ter's beau should stay so late in the
evening. The other morning she was
praising the young man for his strength
of character. Eyes" said Smith, "he
has great staying powers"
Copy was out. The devil picked up a
paper said, "Here's something about a
woman'-must I cut it out?" "NoW
Numbered the editor, "the first disturb
ance ever created in the world was occa-
stoned by the devil fooling about wo.
man,
A rumor has gained circulation that a
band OF communists and socialists III New
York have bound themselves to assassi-
nate all the great men Of this country.
We leave for Canada in the morning, to
remain until this danger IS Over.-Bur-
AngtOn Hda0keye.
GAS amber attracts straw, so does
beauty attract admiratiOn.n Quite true
but the strains of brass band will pull
a sick woman out of bed, and take the
census of all the children on street, be-
fore the base drummer strikes his first
rest.-CGncinnoH Breakfast TudIe.
ssSpeaking of the woman SURFACES. Mrs
Elizabeth Cady Stanton says: I'VE an
nually hold a convention at Washing
ton. and have no trouble now in getting
a Senator's ear" We should think
there would be some trouble, though, in
finding room for the stupendous thing
after they got it.
A Y0rkshireman, having occasion to
visit France, was bewildered. on reach
ing Calais, to find that everybody spoke
French. In the height of the perplexi-
ty which this occasioned he retreated to
bed, and was awak ened in the morning
by the cock growing, whereupon he
burst into an exclamation of astonish-
ment and delight: "Thank goodness,
there's English at last"
The suggestion made the other day
concerning the notices in the Universe
ty grounds leads a correspondent to
write that not long since a distinguished
literary man was crossing the Common,
when apoliceman, observing him tread
ing upon the grass, growled, Don't you
see that sign, keep of the grass q"
Certainly do" was the reply, II am
doing all I can to Keep it ot."-Boston
Transcript.
OF Lord Beaconsfield innumerable
naOtS are just now current. Here is one:
"A Conservative peer was expressing to
the Premier the anxiety with which he
looked forward to his prolonged absence
from England. 1T won't be long bus
mess was the reassuring reply; and
after pause, Lord Beaconsfield added
we mean to carry the position by a
koo di mang' coup dc mann. The peer,
in question moved away, muttering as
he went, They may say what they like
about his being a foreigner, about his
character being I'M English but, at any
rate, there is one thing that is unmis
takably British, and that is-his
French"
During the last meeting of the Lime
Kiln Club, Brother Gardner rose and
said: "Gem'len, hole heah cOmmu-
nicashun from a pusson down in Rich
mond, Virginny, who sails aroun' un-
der de cognomen of de Rev. Jasper. In
peroosln' ober de noOsepapers [ hez seed
him inferred to ez tryin' to climb out'n
his clothes by claimin' dat de sun moves
aroun' de y'arth instead of de contrary
way. Dis pusson now writes to me to
ak me if de Lime-Kiln Club won't line |
in wild him an gin his theory our sup
port. Gem'len. some of us may be weak |
in de back durin' de strawberry an ice
cream sezun, but don't believe dat usin'
de whitewash-brush hez worked our
brains down atwiXt de shoulders. 'Spose
we am gwine to buck agin all de geog-
rafies, directories, novels, spellin'- books,
an SIGH, to 'cOmmodate one poor ole
darby wild stiff knee an lame back .
Shoe! Let dis letter be used to light de
fab next winter n'-DetrOh Free Press.