The herald and mail. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1873-188?, 1878-07-05
HUMOROUS.
erequet.

What will the girls and their young
- men do Sunday nights?
- If your foot j. asleep do not be
alarmed the poet tells us that the sole
is not dead that slumbers.
,. With the exception of delinquent
subscribers, everything is about fort
# night earlier than usual this year.
e 1t is right that the st. Louis papers
d should steal. Surely their readers are
q entitled to something Bu0alO Err
e press.
The Oil City Derrick has no hcsita~
ton i'll recommending to Emperor
l. William the various kinds of salvc ad-
d vertised i'm its columns.
> "Would you like To have some cam
y dy, grandma ~ Yes, my boy
where is it?' "Why, if you will buy
+ me ten cents worth, l will give you
D half"
: "DO you think" said husband, I'm
/ a mild form of Tebuke to his wife,
= "that women are possessed by the
I devil?" "Ees,u was the answer, "as
i. soon as they are married"
I The Detroit News SAYS: "Therc
r are but two men in Bay City who arc
! | not candidates for the position
r ton of City Marshall. One is dc1d
! and the other is Il wooden Indian.p
There is a family in Vermont 50 lazy
! that it takes two of them to chop of n
stick of wood. Sian chops while Jim
} grunts, and then for change, jim
: chops while Sian grunts.
\ new book of Mary Cecil Hay is
called "Reaping the Whirlwind" She
will probably write companion vol
ume entitled "Thrcshing the Cyclone,n
or " Flowing the Tornado"
At twenty woman reaches for the
training arbutus. At twenty-five she
is after hOrsc~Tadish. At thirty she
digs roots for her blood She is gentle
spring in the various stages of fcmin.
ime life.
If you want to sleep well, lay yOnr
| feet TO the &" South says a medical
| Journal. If you have a big footwc sup
pose you have a right to lay it to some.
| thing, but hasen't the poor South had
enough laid to it?'
a Vermont girl fell out of a rocking
| chair any received injuries that killed
| her in two hours. Mural-Noungg gir,s
should not sit in rocking chair, un-
less there is strong man in it TO hold
them in.-IEwkcyc.
What good is they, anyhow ~
scOTnfully remarked Il Newark boot
black, the other day, referring To the
fair sex. "Did you ever know one on
'em to stop and give fcllcr job?
Not much! They amt got 10 shoes
on TO blacken, anyways
When little Thomas stoups To- tov
with berries, jam and jelly cake, no
art can sOOthC the chaStCnCd boy, no
nOStrumS ease the chaSICnCd bow no
nostrumS ease his stomachc ache. And
if the gripping pains defy the medicines
prescribed to foil, his parents will do
well to try the limped, liquid castor
oil.
"Learn to smile" urges a contcm-
rapory. This is pretty advice fOran cd-
itOr to give, whose task is To mould pub
lie opinion Young men learn 10
"smile" soon enough without any
newspaper instructions OF the suhjcct.
1t is suspected tnat the editor owns an
interest in large distillery.
Mr.. HilgildCr went home the other
night considerably intoxicated and af,
flicted with double vision. He sat for
some time with his sleepy gaze rivitcd
on Mrs Hilgilder, and then quietly
remarked: "Wcll ChicD hope thoii-
er if you two gals don't look alike To
be (hic) twins"
He was an entire stranger to the girls
present, and the boys were mean and
would not introduce him. lie finally
pluckcd up courage, and stopping up
to young lady requested the pleasure
of her company for the nest dance.
She looked at him i'm surprised, and
told him that she had not the pleas
ure of his acquaintance. " WClln re- .
marked CaIenOvia, "yOu don't talp
any more chances than | do.p
Rev. Jasper has two cruship,, oucs-
l.. u
do Joshua command il stan stillw' hC
inquiries: and then ne sits down and
says: :, | wait sixty year f.: you To
to respondicate to datW And when
the next astronomer comes along, he
eXclaims, If tie earth bees rOun', how
does the aniils stan pom the foah caw-
nersS" aud then he smiles COntCmptJIS
Ously and wInks one eye i'm slow
and eloquent manner.
One of Westfiield's wealthy farmers
who keOws more about crops than
books, told neighbor a day or two
since that the recent storms must have
been portion of the "thyphOne 81
lone that has done 50 much damage
out West" y while ago he was ask
cd by an agent to buy an encyclopc-
dia but replied, 81 don't want II, for
I've tried hall dozen kinds of pat
thl III NillLtlC1 anu htil llDAlIIH 50
good for the soil as real Old-fashiOncd
barn-yaTd manure
Enter young husband who throws
himself into a chair and exclains:
"what! toOthache again, Maria! (
do call that hard upon feller! And
here | have been at Epson all day
with the jolliest lot % fellers ever got
together i'm one drag and won pot %
money, and had no end Of q Jolly
time, and / did think ! should find
something cheerful and jolly to grcca
"A feller when got home And thert.
you are !-tOOthachc again? | do call
it hard upon feller-preciOus hard ~
Punch.
He came nom the country seven
years ago, and is now a v,cll.to-lo
merchant. Last week he '.,roto To the
old folks, telling them hG had married
a lady with a very fine voicc----"a
meZZo-sOprannO Ci very extraordinary
compass" He received an answer
from the maternal side of the house,
informing him that his lamcntcd aunt
was AFFLICTED with something Of that
sort during her life, but had always
found relief in placing mustard plas-
ter on the sole of each foot, and drink
ing a pint of dandelion tea.
\ clergyman, having been intrOdu-
ced into "A living i'm Kent, took Orca-
sion during his first s,ImOu to intro
duce the word d" opticsn At the con-
clusion of the service q farmer vino
was present thanked him for his dis
course, but mtimatCd that he had
made a mistake In one word sOftcning
down the severity of his criticism by
saying, " We all know very well, sir,
what you meant" On the clergyman
Gttrt Iar iu4niris- aI.npf ha