Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1878-06-22
GOIT-IN-THE-E RONT-

There are few things more devastating than
a gOatin-the-f front yard. 1t lays waste the
tOwer-bed and devOurs the crOquet arches,
balls, and malletS. III here are any iron chairs
or lounges on the front piazza, the goat is Ger
tain to nbble them, and seldom leaves them
without consuming leg or two. What IS the
beSI remedy for case of -in-the frOnt-ya
is still an open que tion. Any attempt to drive
him out with clubs is sure to end diSaSirouSy
Either he trampleS down every yeStlge OF
flower or shrub, or he turns upon the driver
and butts all interest in life out OF him. There
was once glObu,aT man-One who was SO fat
that his summit was as high above the level of
the sea when he was lying on his back as It was
when he was standing on his feet. This mau
tried 70 drive goat out OF his front yard and
was butted for several consecutive hours. 1t
is well known that when a goat has once
Knocked a man down he stands over hin,
but refrains from resumlng the attack until
his victim is on his feet again. The glObular
man was knocked down at the first blow, aud
remained perfectly quiet; but the goat, per
ceiv ing that his victims height remained I'M
diminished, imagined that the attempt to
knock him had failed, and so went at him
again. The perseverance that animal showed
did him infinite credit. Having taken the
contract to knock the man down, he deter
mined 10 butt it out on that line if il took all
day. Blow after blow was raned upon the I'M
fortunate glObular person, who was gradually
rolled across the lawn until he brought up
against the, wooden casing around the, els
tern. 1t took the goat nearly an hour to butt
him through this casing, but he ultimately
succeeded, and when the man was subSe-
uutnIlS taken out vi the water lie was 1Ounu
to be t1attened to uniform thickness of two
inches. He may, however, have been more
malleable than an ordinary man:
AS for poisoning a goat, all naturaliStS
agree that il is impossible. An animal that
can eat tin cans, hoop skirts, boarding house
beefsteaks, and mince pie to any extent with
complete impunity, cannot be affected by any
less deadly substances. Strychnne arsenic,
ard even pruSSlc acid are to the goat nothing
more than spices, and have no other effect
than that of stimulating his appetite. OF
course If is imDnSSjnip shoot goat but
unfortunately, gun makes loud report and
attracts the attention of the neighborS. 1t is
curious provision OF nature that goats are
always owned by large and athletic freshmen.
A sight, cOnSumptive lriShman often owns
dogs, chickens and pigs; but he never owns d
goat. Now to shoot a goat, is to invite visit
from vigorous and beligerent IriShman,
and if a man IS to be butted, the goat will do
1t more artistically and with better taste than
yard can neither be driven out nor poisoned,
and cannot be shot without extremely I'M
pleasant consequences, it really seems as
though the evil were imcurabie.
There is, indeed, one remedy which has
been extensively advertised, and which is
honestly believed in by many persons VINO
apple cure. The victim OF goat-in-t he-front
yard leaves bushe of dried apples and d
buckelful of wafer where they will attract the
attention of the animal The goat eats the
dried apples, drinks the water, and immed-
ately begins to swell. He swells to enormous
dimensions, and fna!ly--so it said-explodes
Will d lCpolU dhu ID SCdlIClcu dill
over the country in pieces too small to admit
of the Identification. OF course, the explosion
is heard by the neighbors but the instan.
taneous disappearance OF the goat removes all
There is man in Oshkosh, Mr.. c. L. BIB
cock. formerly the efficient and popular third
Fishers National Bank, who lately heard of
the dried -apple remedy and resolved to try it.
He sent to Chicago provision store and OBJ
tanned buShel of dried apples of the most
virulent character and placed them, together
with the supplementary bucket of water, in
his front Darlor, so that he could enjoy the eX
plOSiOn without going out OF doors. Mr.. Bah
cock had been exceedingly troubled by goats
and was particularly proud of his front yard.
which he had laid ouC with great care and had
surrounded with fence of novel pattern and
great cost. Early in the morning the expected
goat butted the front gate open, entered the
yard, was lured into the parlOr by the display
of hoop skirt, and ate the apples. He was
an exceptionally long and narrow goa, and
was so persistently thin that it was generally
| thought that nothing not even siiver-pated
forks, could fatten him; In due time he d;ank
hall the bucket of water and began to swell.
| MIR. BabcOck was in ecStacles. He lit his cigar
and sat on the front piazza, looking through
| the window, and, with his watch in his hand
noting how long it would be before the ex
plosion There probably never was goat
ticu!ar goat. At the end of an hour he was
| as Mr.. BabcOck is prepared to swear-at least
hfteen feet In circumference. Neverthe less,
| the looked for explosion did not occur, neither
| did the goat seem to feel uneasy. He roamed
around the room, knocked down the furni-
ture, and occasionally butting the piano The
disguised Mr.. BabcOck would have tried to
drive him out, but had the door or the win
| dOWS been twice as large as they were, the eX-
| banded goat could not have passed through
| either of them. In his desperation the disap-
| pointed man tried to shoot the animal, but The
| shot re bOunded from his elastic sides and shat
| tered the mirror. There was. nothing TO be done
| but to wait until the goat should regain his
usual proportions, and then to try to drive
him out OF the room.
| That swelled goat never collapsed. He is
still fifteen feet in circumference. and he can
| not be got out of the parlOr wi bout previous
| ly tearing down the wall. People come from
| all parts of the country to look at that goat,
| and Mr.. BabcOck has been sued by an Irish.
| man for feloniOusly taking possession of his
goat and refusing to return it " Y Times.