Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1878-09-27
ALLEGED HUMOR.

Colonel G -, of Bowling Green, Ky
made heavy play against n faro bank wheI
fine lunches were set at all the houses ant
dumped over 81, 000. which completely wo
him out. He reluctantly laid aside his ECU,
paper and lead pencil, and called for hi.
cloak and cane. The colored attendant
brought the required articles and while ad
Justing the cloak politely remarked : ''Luncl
Is Just ready, colonel won't You stay and
have some :" Lunch. hell - roared the colo
mel grinding his teeth and taking firmel
grip on his walking stick ''do you think
can eat 81, 100 worth OF ham and get even
-tCincinnati Commercial.
On one occasion, when a well known ac.
tress was singing n passage with an obligato
for the trumpet, her husband. who was the
conductor, thought the trumpeter might
| play louder, and so repeatedly urged the mu-
sician that at last the man, in Teutonic ac-
cents. exclaimed Louder? Eh, but we're
is de Wind TO come from :'-[ Hamilton, Ont,
| Spectator.
Two lawyers, while bathing at Santa Cruz
the other day. were chased out OF the water
| by shark. This is the most fragrant case
OF want of professional courtesy on record.
-[San Francisco Post.
Second Thoughts ts-Priest wilt thou
have this woman 10 be thy welded wife p
Bridegroom Elect: well avs warned
anvil hev to hev her. But aw wad rnythe hev
her sister - Punch.
\ little Irish boy fell down and bit his
tongue. lie arose from the ground crying
and sobbing and said to bis brother: 40,
Staphen think will l ever spake AGAIN."
(aOr) SCOTTISH BALLAD;
Upon the banks of bonnie d,
pretty B came outtoC
What ight capture for his 7.
saw maid sitting there,
Her was fair and 50 her hair
Her nsme was II, rsliant
Her lover bent him:by her side
"r L will my bonnie bride,
All shall never US ID vide -
This gave the naughty hisQ.
And straight away the twain few
And cried, 20 will W."
Ecompassed M from foot TO head
o ID X Inc !" the maid said
% I take J" she shrieked-and fed
A bird sat upon a tree
Fnd watched the devastating
VITA deepening RS 7.
% venal wretch - the J bird cried,
"H I US y ect To- stem tho .iicl
IL is time that had died =
I'm Hing iCr our gore inside :"
We don't mean to say that Petaluma is n
poor town, but we remember
that once when misguided San Francisco
burglar tried to enter II store in that burg,
the inhabitants caught him, went through
his pockets, and business generally brighten
ed up in consequence for the next six months.
San Francisco News Letter.
A wild-eyed reformer looked in this morn
ing with n twenty page article on the labor
question, written on both sides of the sheet.
The pressmen, who know how to handle |
forms, laid him tenderly away in the cellar. |
Norristown Herald.
No man should smoke, unless his wife's |
plants have lice on them.-[ Danbury News. |
This is evidently an insiduous device to drive |
Ill the Danbury Young men into matrimony. |
For shame. Mr.. faily : Norwich Bulletin.
A young man sent sixty cents to a firm in
Michigan that advertised receipt TO prevent
BAD dreams. He received slip of paper on
which was written Don't go to sleep"
Memory and hope are set like stars above
he soul-the one shining dimly through the
wilight of the past, the other lighting the
.rchway Of the future" You never realize
his so fully a. when late at night, in
trange city, You forget the number of the
louse at which you are residing.-[P Puck.
There are occasions to which none of us
re equal. When she blandly tells us that
he sent our best coat down TO the ofhce by
he man. who called and said We wanted to
on party at Brighton Beach and hadn't
lime 20 cone home and dress, all the curse
words in a lawyers lexicon will not do JUS
ice TO ones feelings. - New York News.
The human heart is strange creation.
hat which We have We prize least, that
ThIch We have not we most desire, and our
esiios continually change. At night man
ill pass ice-water by with disdain and give
is most loyal service TO old Bourbon, but
ext morning the ice-water is at big pre-
lium.
A facetious brakeman on the Central Pa
fic Railroad cried out as the train was about
Altering a tunnel: This tunnel is one mile
ing and the train will be four minutes pass
ig through it," The train dashed into day
ght again in four seconds, and the scene in
lie car was one Tor painter. Seven young
dies were closely pressed by fourteen pair
masculine arms, fourteen pairs of lips
ere glued together and two dozen inverted ..
hiskey TASKS flashed in the air. [Oshkosh
hrlstian Advocate.