The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1878-05-02
Wit and HumOr.

does whisky.
PEOPLE who are all the time cutting
up: Butchers.
THE dinners given by Congressman are
known as gander parties.
Now that short skirts are coming into
fashion what will the ladies carry in their
hands9
IT seems paradox that the result of
a crooked still should be whisky
straight.
UNLESS man can plat bull-whip
he can't get situation as district school
teacher in Texas.
STRONG doses of advertising should be
administered to business that looks bill
ious about this time of year
THERE is something noble about a
goat all boarders might initiate. He is
not particular what he feeds upon.
"MARRIAGEl Pooh! don't men-shun-
it'll" exclaimed the maiden aunt. "In-
deed they don't" replied her lovely niece.
YOUNG women never marry old men
for money-they yearn for a chance to
trade eff their old clothes to the peddler.
To call Il man al ASS is a reproach, but
in Arabia, in bewailing lost friend, they
frequently exclaim, "Alas, my beloved
jackass!'
SCIENCE made easy.-Friend to scien
tifc authority: doctor, how is man
to tell mushroom from a toadstool e
Scientific authority: "By eating it. II
you live, it is a mushroom; if you die, it
is a toadstool."
A THREE YEAR-oLD boy in North Ben
nineton asked an honest but poor Irish
man the other day for penny to buy
some candy, and when he replied that
"Faith, he hadn't a cint," the little fellow
inquired with all the innocence imagin-
able, "Have you failedg'
A SHERIFF clerk of Dundee was attend
ing a funeral. GLOW old was our de
parted frend3' he inquired of a relative
of the deceased. Every DID, was the re
ply; believe he was in his eighty-sev
enth year" "Not so very DID," exclaim
ed the lawyer; "if my father had been
alive he would have been 1l2.'
"UNDERsTAND me, Mrs. Trevor, don't
say that your man was drunk, or that he
had been drinking even, but my husband
says he can prove by three witnesses that
they saw him try to pare an apple with
a corkscrew in broad daylight and |
thought that looked so suspicious | felt
it my duty as ncighbor to come and
tell you about it."
A GENTLEMAN and a scrub are seated
at the same table. The scrub is just fin
ishing his dinner; the gentleman just
beginning his. The scrub lights cigar
and blows a cloud of smoke over his
coffee. The gentleman rises, and says in
the politest torres: Excuse me, sir; will
it annoy you if l eat while you are
smoking"
A MAN saw ghost while walking along
a lonely highway at midnight. The ghost
stood exactly in the middle of the road,
and the wayiarer, deciding to investigate,
poked it with his umbrella. The next
instant he WAS knocked twenty feet into
a mud hole Moral-Never poke an UNI
brela at large white mule when its
back is turned.
WHILE prisoner was being searched
at a police station he suddenly blurted
out: "Ill never believe in old sayings
again" whats wrong with old say
ingsl" asked the captain. "Why, there's
one that says, Heaven helps them that
helps themselves | helped myself to II
pair of breeches, and now where am II
Where is heavenl Where is the help to
get out o thist"
A VERY little boy had one day done
wrong. and he was sent, after paternal
correction, to ask in secret the forgive
ness Of his Heavenly Father. His offence
was passion. Anxious to hear what he
would say, his mother followed to the
door of the room. In lisping accents she
heard him ask to be made better and
then, with childlike simplicity, he added:
"Lord, make mas temper better, too"
OLD Lord Elphinstone was asleep at
church, while the minister, very addle-
headed preacher, was holding forth. AT
length the parson stopped and cried:
"Waukin, my Lord Aphinstone." "rm
no sleeping, minister" But ye are
sleepin'-I wager ye dinna ken what |
said last" "Ye said, 'WaukiD, my Lord
Aphinstone.' "Ay, ay, but wager ye
dinna ken what | said atore that" ~
wager ye dinna yersel."
II you want TO keep your boy at home,
make it pleasanter for him than the
street. Chalk hopscotch in the hall,
put n hogshead of molasses on tap in the
kitchen, have n dog in the back
ward, make "bully slide" on the cellar
door, have IA hand organ and monkey in