Ellsworth American. [volume] (Ellsworth, Me.) 1855-current, 1878-04-25

experience Of suffering. I, constantly
hurt By Johns apparent disregard Of my
wishes, took refuge behind an armor OF
Ice; he. repelled by my coldness, went
where he could find the necessity Of his
iife~sunshiue. We were two children,
throwing away with reckless hands the
very food that our hearts subsisted upon.
This state Of AFFAIRS. with more or less
variety, lasted for three years. In the
meantime my baby was born. No words
of mine can tell you how beautiful he was.
nor how we beth loved him. He was his
fathers child. as people expressed Il, and
a thousand times desrer to me for the
wonderful likeness. My Intense love force
was now divided; or rather. bad another
object upon which to expend ITSELF John
was kept more ut home BY his newly
awakened tenderness for NE and his pleas
ure 10 the child. and our life was while
as happy as In the dear old times.
"But was not yet woman. though
was mother. And Annie, We women,
especially the real ones among ~, never
reach our womanhoOd till We give self.
husband. and children up to God. Our
hearts are tender and impetuous; It Is our
nature to risk all for love. to have no re-
serve, no resource bot In the objects OF
love; therefore our affections should be
set first on the highest Love, that they
NAV be chastened and purified, and taught
patience. heavenly philosophy. l was
never completely happy In my husband TIL
l contented myself with giving and ceased
demanding; and we only learn that lesson
1t the divine Oliver.
.The period Of renewed happiness that
began with baby did not last long. Johns
nature asserted itself. He was too much
;atl tnn rnytrh Qnu0 hit
for on every side. tthe very qualities that
made him so dear 70 me- to be coatented
TO stay at home always. He had too many
points Of contact with the outside world,
with busy, actual life, to life In adream
with me and my baby. l expected an I'm
possibility but none the less had | set my
heart upon II. none the less did | consider
myself Injured because my ideal was re-
fused me.
when q woman thinks herself injured,
she IL sure to make herself unattractive.
brooded. regretted. fretted, lost my taste
for society. and neglected my dress. All
the brightness, the freshness, the sweet
ness that won Johns love 10 the beginning,
was hidden, and seemed lost. What was
the consequence? The poor fellow WAS so
thoroughly uncomfortable at home, that
he stayed away as much as possible. He
worked harder than ever, and provided rs
every comfort but the light in his merry
eyes, his ringing laugh. his joyousness OF
nature. were all given to outsiders. l was
angry that he did not brood alone. as
did. Still unmindiul OF the differences OF
nature. required my husband TO enjoy In
my way, to suffer In my way on pain Of
losing my love.
We'll things went on from bad to worse,
til at last we lived almost wholly apart. l
gave myself wholly to baby. pluning my.
self upon my motherly devotion. But
think II the darling could have chosen for
himself, he would have preferred less
fearful face. would have begged tor Smiles
and gaiety, instead OF my stern, unyieldng
hardness. think any sunny, light hearted
nurse would have pleased him better than
his gloomy mother.
"At this stage Of affairs, baby was taken
III. was not seriously alarmed, tor the
sickness seemed to be but childish attack,
Incident to the season. However, | telt
anxious, and longed for help and sympathy.
When John came home my heart turned
toward him with glad bound
"If had put my arms around his neck,
and asked him to stay with me that eve
ming. how differently it all would have
ended! But my ill.humor had become
chronic. When py husband came irto the
room, said, II suppose you are going
out tonight a. usual
~ don, see anything to stay at home
for he retorted.
"'I think you ought to care something
abopt your child. II your wife Is nothing TO
you / replied, the tears coming into my
eyes. and my voice trembling.
look OF absolute disgust flashed Unto
Johns face.
You do your best to make yourself
nothing to me- be said, and went sudden
ly ont. and down the street.
II shall never forget the feeling of desc
lation that came over me as | listened to
the ring of his footsteps. The night came
on, and baby grew worse. l bad nobody
to send for the doctor. as Bridget was'out,
and was entirely alone. The hours wore
away-hours Of grief. Of terror, and OF
longing-too agonizing 10 describe. To-
wards midnight. the baby grew so much
worse that I was dreadfully alarmed.
SYMPTOMS Of Group were developing rap
idly. What could dor There seemed
bur one way-to leave him alone, and go
for doctor myself Almost crazy,
threw . shawl over my head and started.
At the door met John.
Where are you goingT he asked.
AFTER the doctor. Ths baby Is sick
replied
"'Go back he said sternly; i will
bring him.
'In ten minutes the doctor was th'-"
He looked at the boy, examined him care
fully. then turning to me said. why vas
not sent for sooper. ! viii do all that
can be done. but | tell you frankly that |
have little hope Of saving your child
Then John csme up to me with an aw-
ful look in his eyes. Was he sick when
was at home this afternoon" he asked.
Yes said. mechanically.
=. And you did not tell meT grasplng my
arm. fiercely; IT the boy dies, you are his
murderer
This was too niue h for my oyerwrought
condition, exhausted as Was by long
grievimg. | uttered an Insane Shrek, as
the word murderer fell upon my ears, and
losing all control Of myself, ] went into
violent ny sterics. and was taken out Of the
room. Before regained my senses. my
baby was dead"
Here Aunt Grace paused again, and l.
looking Into her calm. sweet face, wond-
cred that such an experience could have
been hers; wondered 1t that marvellous
spirit-world withb, us, that nobody can
understand or govern. but God, its Maker.
After hearing that dresdfnl news she
continued. II did not leave my room for .
month My life was despsired OF. My
ner, es were so shattered that 1t did not
see m possible for me ever to return aga!u
to the world OF the living and sane. Johns
Dire adful words rang In my ears continual
ly | felt that had lost my husband and
child. and With them, myself
John was incessant in his care; his
tenderness was equal to mothers But
nothing that he did or said touched my
heart Always this thought, like drOp Of
deadly poison. wrought in my soul; He
does not love me; he can never love me
again. for he thinks that l murdered our
child ..,.s
AT last, Annie, 1 despsired. With some
natures despair Is the point At which saliva
tion Is found 1t vas 80 with ne. Having
nothing earthly to hope tor. threw my
self upon Gods mercy In an indescriba.
BILE hour Of admission to the will Of our
Father. found what | thought was dying
peace.
'In that same hour, saw my past in It's
true hght-saw the justice, the tyranny OF
my selGsb love--l called John to me. and
with nv arma AYoOnd him. made full con