The Canton advocate. [volume] (Canton, D.T. [S.D.]) 1877-1897, 1878-04-23
WIT AND HUMOR.

WIT AND HUMOR.
MINIS MEAT-Gold and silver.
Yes, dear; you can use your spring
mattress in the fall.-Derrick
HE'LL has no fury like mustard plas-
ter.-Fulton Times.
The Barber of Seville never yelled
"next! london advertiser.
The Fernsprecher," or far talker, is
what the Germans have concluded to call
the telephone.
The boys don't say "dry up" for
slang, any more. "Plug up your pho
nograph" is the latest.
The fat girl of Iowa is dead. She
measured seven feet around the waist,
and was never completely Rugged.
A NEWSPAPER speaks of horse that
eats meat. Budd Doble says he never
saw horse actually eat meat, but he
has seen many one running for stake.
A WICKED paragrapher says that Vim
ME Ream's bust of David Davis is said
TO resemble the Cardiff giant, and fiat
tiers himself on the Reamark.
At Cannes sign for the benefit of
English tourists, 'Repairs hung with
stage COACH" was discovered to mean
"Repairs executed with diligence.
IT staggers an Englishman when he
gets over here and hears a fellow called
colonel" who doesen't look as though
he knew enough to cock cannon.
IT was time for the Cuban war to close.
For the last two years the rebel leaders
have contented themselves with grow
ing fierce mustaches and playing num-
bletypeg.
SHE said, "Oh yes, am very fond of
little boys" and as SNOWFALL stuck in
the back of her neck she added, Il feel
as though could eat a couple this min
-boiled.-Rome Sentinel.
A DRAMATIC critic says Modjeska can
summon up a flush at pleasure. She
would make valuable partner in a
game of bluff. Nine times out Of ten a
flush is good, we've been told.
A SCORE Of full-born Americans will
move three wagon-loads of ldmber to un-
cover a poor old rat, where cash offer of
fifty cents each would have no effect
Detroit Free Press.
FROM the reply with certain of the
European powers have made to the Otto
man circular, they have evidently mis-
taken it for circular ottoman, some
thing to be sat upon.-Punch.
WHEN country pedagogue starts in
on general whaling tour of the schools,
is it to be wondered at that plentiful
crop of blubbers is the result?-N. Y.
Commercial.
y STRANGER who was about to pur.
chase building lot in Danbury, wanted
the deed made out so as to protect him
against any future action by Mrs. Gaines.
Of Louisiana.-Graphic.
DR.: MARY WALKER wants to be a
policeman, and with the police stand, a
helmet hat upon her head, a club within
her hand, in Washington, D. C.-Free
Press.
WHEN you look around you at church,
during dull sermon, don't you find it
little difficult to realize that thousands
of people die every year for want of
sleep?
"WHY did you leave your last place?"
inquired young housekeeper about to
engage new servant. "Why, you see,
ma am" replied the applicant, II was
too good looking, and when opened the
door folks took me for the misus."
A LITTLE damsel, being aggravated
beyond endurance by her big brother,
fell down upon her knees, and cried:
90, Lord! bless my brother Tom. He
lies, he steals, we swears. All boys do;
us girls don't. Amen"
SHAVE you Chaucer% said young
lady, looking in at bookstore. The
polite young clerk replied No, he never
used it; but there was tobacconist's
just two doors above.-New York Com.
Advertiser.
AN enthusiastic Indiana editor wrote
after the convention: "The battle is
now opened" but, alas! the intelligent
compositor spelled "battle" with an o,
and his readers said they had suspected
it all along.
CAN your horse run fast?" asked a
boy of milkman the other morning.
"No, sonny" replied the purveyor of
aqueous tactical fluid. "He can't run
very fast, but he can stand the fastest of
any horse ever you saw"
"A SUBSCRIBER asks us, "what is good
for warts on horses?" We don't know.
We never owned but one pair of horses
wood horse and a clothes horse-and
they were never troubled with warts
Pittsburg Telegraph.
LADIES must not read this: 'ss1q4
s4eSSns GmouooI 's1ueo eAg-A4
-ueM4 1oI se1q4 10 '5nq q s4ueo ueL
'qolnqo eq4 o. se!1s!Ixne elqenIsA So
eu!eW u! sIs!oos ..Wnm,, p7paooons sABq
se!alvd ..SnHv-Lndianapolis Sentinel.
KENTUCKY turns out seventy-one doc
tors as her share Of the spring quota. If
each one kills twenty-four patients dur
ing his practice LOO people will have
been tucked away through the influence
of one college. "..-... 3d.
AFTER the storm had ceased. the other
day, he remarked to his wife: "Guess
the snow is all .over."1 - Yes" she re-
piled, "all over the ground" He only
said: cts snow jokin' matter" This
cutter little. i
A cLoTH1ER has excited public curl
osity by having large apple painted on
Ills slSH. w Heu aSktu lOr oil cApAdHa-
tion. he inquired, eff it hadn't been for
an apple, where would the ready-made
clothing stores be to-daY?"
A BROOKLYN paper, speaking Of
workman, in hat factory in that city,
who was SO unfortunate as to have his
entire beard torn off by being caught in
a revolving belt, says that it was mar
row escape. 1t was rather close shave,
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