davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20

At the depot: Foreigner-"Is that
the Emperor of Germany at the desk in
there ~ Employee, mol" Foreign
er-''Perhaps, then, he is the President
of the road ~ Employe-"Not at all,
not at all; he's an ordinary person, en-
ployed on a salary, same as myself
Foreigner-"Indeedl I'm very much
surprised. Only subordinatei Why,
l was completely Inundated all the time
he was talking to me. ] was about to
commit suicide from a feeling of my
own unworthiness- Only subordinate I
Well, next time I'll know a railroad man
when / hear him"
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20
Carelessness in Directing Letters

CarelesSnesS in Directing Letters.
The pOstOffice department has issued
a report that should warn people against
carelessness. 1t is shown that an aver
age of 100000 dead letters are received
annually at the deadletter office-3OO, 900
without stamps, $4,000 partially address
ed, 5000 with no address, 81 100000 of
money orders and drafts of money value,
$4,000 packages containing property,
$4,000 in mouey, nine-tcnths of which
is returned, the balance remaining in
the treasury subject to application for
four years; $4,000 photographs; 100000
European letters are returned unopened;
one-tenth of all letters received contain
property; 10000 applications for letters
reported lost, the great proportion of
which are found and delivered. ThOus-
ands of letters are received each year in
which the writer incloses money but do
not give their names, nor do they prop
erly direct their letters on the outside.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20

A st. Joseph lawyer recently had a
client. who entrusted him to collect a
bill of $14, which was satisfactorily done,
and the money handed over to the right
full claimant. Then the limb of the law
presented to his client a bill of $44, for
services rendered in the collection of the
$14, and made him pay it. Nobody,
not even his client, will doubt that the
st. Joseph lawyer is practical man,
and altogether successful in his business
methods -.. ..--.---..4-...-l---- -
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20
Laugh and Grow Fat.

Twas filled with kerosene,
She blew right down the chimney
And vanished from the scene.
The reason why only one garter is Civ
en-, instead of pair of carriers, is because
the honor is not usually conferred until
the recipient has one leg in the grave
London Funny Folks
A fat woman of Corinth, Miss, drank
ash-bark tea to make her lean, and she
skipped for the better land Just two
hours ahead of lean woman who was
eating gum arabic to make her fat.-De-
trOit Free Press.
If man works for week and gets
nothing for his labor he takes it for bad
luck and says nothing; but when he
spends five minutes in sharpening lead
pencil and the point breaks off he swears
like mailman.
1t would seem that the only way to Sc
cure an honest horse-race in this country
is to turn the horses loose on the track,
mob the booksellers, egg the Judges, and
throw the drivers over the fence.-De-
troit Free Press.
Kearney to the Heather Chinee-"By
the eavens above and the stars that are
in il; by the sun that shines by day; by
IL tdTln anu dll It's lnnaDfIdntS, anu DIV
hell beneath US, the Chinese must
:" Heather Chinee to Kearney-''You
. o Mclean man; dustee you sellee."
Three years ago a young man came to
Burlington with only eighty-five cents
in his pocket. He invested all his CAPT
tai in drug store. Two weeks after
ward he put up two prescriptions,
bought steam yatch, breech- loading
gun and three dogs, and spends his sum-
mers in Europe.-Burlington Hawkeye.
The pedagogical plate-passer in the
White Mountains is surpassed in the
Chicago restaurant. While a custsmer
was expressing his views somewhat
strongly to waiter, the proprietor, step
ping up, remarked: Don't talk to him
that way. He used to be governor of
Oregon, and such treatment naturally
hurts his feelings"
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20

Poverty makes some humble but more
malignant.
Keep clear of man who does not val
ne his own character.
Selfishness of whatever sort, begets
moroseness, fault-finding and distrust.
Many of our troubles are brought M
on us by our insisting upon having our
own way.
The production of tin in Van Dieman's
Land has during the past four years in
creased from S35, 600 TO 81 ,2O0O 600.
AS every temptation to which we Weld
renders it more difficult to resist the next
attack, 50 does every temptation con-
quered make the next victory easier,
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20

The business man who thinks that "a
few lines on the local side occasionally"
is all the advertising he needs, is twin
brother to the man who covered the back
door of poor house with a colored pos
ter announcing an excursion to the Paris
XpositiOn.-Brookville Democrat.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20

PoLIcY.-The man who is honest
when honesty is the best policy is not
really an honest man. Honesty is not
swerving policy, but stable principle
An honest man is honest from his soul,
nor deigns to stoop to meanness, though
great results hang on the petty fraud.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20
A rYEO 5 HERMAN,
Dealers in Meats of all Kindsl

Have NOW on hand and Tor sale nheaT q To,-,.,-
amount Of Pork Ham, Shoulder and RaroS
thoroughly salteds cured and smok ed SH3
equal 70 the very best that can be found' any,
where. They have also 4 large onS1tit1 -
lard, BY the barrel or pound. Call and see +
All orders receive prompt attention. ami
. call. The best OF Beef Mutton and Veal
Is usual, kept At our market On west side a.
Aansas. ATYEO & HERMAN.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20
Qhe Hu'puria Nfps.
OthellO's Apology.

Most potent, grave and reverend seignors.
That have ta'en this old mans daughter
Is most true; have married her,
AS can prove by the officiating Clergyman
Who is u Justice of the peace down in Herki-
Her Ia her loved me not a continental
Did care for the old mans love,
But pretended 10 reciprocate his affection,
And in this way did make myself
A very MuldOon with him in Solidity.
He Oft invited me to tell the story Of my life,
From year 70 year, the battles. sieges, for
tunes,
EtcsteTa and so forth and so on,
With which had been stunng him.
i ran IL through cen from my boyish days,
And you can bet your sweet lives
That I spread IL on pretty thick;
/ spoke OF most disastrous chances,
But did not stop to lay they were with
For the small oIense II jumping n board bill /;
OF moving accidents by flood aud field;
OF hairbreadth escapes in the imminent dead
Or some other place that had read of;
OF being taken by the insOlent foe
And sold TO slavery; OF my redemption
And with all my travels history,
Omitting that part when was introducing
The North American Corn and Bunion Eradi-
Warranted to remove corns and bunions
Without pain or loss of blood.
All these did the old gent swallow,
And to hear which would DesdemOna serious
But stili the house Affairs would draw her
thence,
Although in this now suspect my BESIDE
mona
Did dissemble for since we married are
find she can no more a fiap-jack bake
Than can cope with Herculesl
One day the gentle maid with earnest heart
requested
That would all my pilgrimage dilate
Whereof parcels she had something heard,
But not distinctly.
This was great leather, and all at once
did consent.
My story was immense,
And IL took me four nights a week
For three years, to tell 1t.
When at length the tale was done,
She gave me for my pains a world of signs.
She swore In faith twas strange, twas pass
Ing strange;
Twas pitiful; twas Wondrous pitifuI.
And laid over anything she had ever heard
before
BY a large. majority
wished
That heaven had made her such a man
She thanked me,
And badL me. If 1 had friend that loved her
should teach him how TO tell my story,
And that would WOO her
This was complete giYe-away;
That Is to say, tumble did to the racket
And we were wed forthwith.
so there's the long and short OF it.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20

"What is the matter ~ asked a LAWYER
of his coachman. THE horses are run
ming away, sir" Can you not pull
them up" Pm afraid not" Then"
said the lawyer, after judicious delay,
run into something cheap"
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20

OH heart
Why dOst thou leap when her soft stepping
feet
Go past my window in this autumn ever
Dost thou believe
That in her life. so self-contained and sweet,
Thou hast part?
Obi fool,
Beneath the shadows OF the hills she seemed
To lean on thee, and in the silent dell
To love the well,
But here-hoW idly thou hast dreamed,
Poor aching fool
Farewell,
Ye rifted rocksi ye fern-encircled caves
Love gave to you glory not your own;
But now q moan
Comes from your craggy lips ye granite
graves.
Farewell-farewellI
The town
Knows not the country loves; we wander not
From out our beaten paths. here in the street;
But an my sweet,
The love ! bear thee knows no certain spot
And will not down.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20
B. F. YOHE & co.
MANUFACTURER OF
FirstcIass Piano Fortes

STYLE l.-7K octave; agrafre treble; rose
wood case front round corners; carved legs
and Tyre. $3.50.
STYLE AK octave; agraffe treble; rose
wo, i case; front round corners; carved legs
and Tyre; erpcntine mouldIngs around the
bottom of the case. $500.
STYLE SIX octave; agraffe treble; rose
wood case; front round corners; carved legs
and Tyre; serpentine mouldings around the
DO ION and heavy, solid rosewood mOuldings
around the top of case. $685.
STYLE AK octave; agra6e treble; rose
wood case; all round corners; extra beauti-
full carved legs and Tyre; heavy serpentine
and top mouidings ali around the case; back
finished same as front. 500.
STYLE Upright; ~ octave; embracing
all the modern Improvements known in this
class of instruments. Something that has
long been sought for in this country at q
moderate figure. $500.
STYLE 2.-7Sz octave; fancy case. $500.
IARLoR GRAND.-7H octave; full agraffe
scale; rosewood case; extra beautiful carved
legs and Tyre; heavy serpentIne and top
mouldings around the top of case. $1,000.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20

Before the ''o'' let there appear
TW ice TWEEN ty-live, and five in rear:
One-fifth of eight subjoin, and then
You'll find what tits that conquers men.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20

When men die of Incorporate habits
the announcement of their fate is gradu-
ated by the local paper to the amount of
money left behind as follows.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20

A New Guide to Texas and the Beauti-
full Indian Territory.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20
Time Table
NJ. X. & T. r. r..

Trains leave Emporia as follows:
GOING NoRTH-Daily except Sunday.
No 17-Man and Express. -. 9:06 p. m
GOING SoUTH-Daily except Sunday.
No. 1S-Mail and Express .... Gas a. m
Connects with No. 4 at Parsons. Other
Trains leave Parsons
GOING SoUTH-Daily.
No. 1-TeXas Express. .....-.. $3.50 a. m .
GOING NoRTH-Daily.
No. 2-Chicago Il st. Louis Exp. IL :55 p. m :.
(HiIy except Sunddy.)
No. 4-Hannibal & st. Louis EXP ~ 80 D. m .
No. has through Sleeping Car from Chicago,
Quincy, Hannibal and St Louis
No. has through Sleeping Car to Chicago,
Quincy, Hannibal and st. Louis.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20
A MORBID SWErITHH


Be careful 20 eaIlfor COLLINS, yof,rATc d a.
X ~ So yS1 gst sone yogthless imitaEion SOD
the United States and Canada. md bv ~ fFSS y
POTTER PropFiesoFas Boston. Mass --' -
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20
SANFoRD'S
RADICAL CURE
For CATARRH

RsTAASNTLY relieves and permanently cures this
possssss sG 2Ss Sss1sS In al It's vSEyng stages
RlaAts herbs and barks in their essential FORM nee
speet differs every oter Known feme eS In In
to tie PS coas ana Mey sF9m the Atlantic
come the standard remedy for the treatment or Ca
wh SaT pgGS g
S S Dy Inis remedy: and who have. ut consider
good hrOShSus the crcIes Il S vice. tS ses
teSencs and psnneme saw geHtle ma ,; q "a
ssnford,s Radical Cure" you may fsei assared
g be classsd among the standard medical speciScs
or the day.
THE benefit I derive nom Its daily use Is to mo
HENRY WELLS. OF WELLS. FAneo Co.
IT has cured me after twelve years OF uninter-
GEO. ": H6UeHToN. wArruAs, MASS.
7 FOLLOWED the directions to the letter and am
L happy 70 sax have had permanent cure
D. W. GRAY. n. D., MrscATIxE. Iowa
7 HAVE recommended Is to quito number ofmy
their h estimate of G value RaES SnG o e me
VIM BOWEN. rs rIsE ST.. ST. LOUIS.
AFTER TER using two bottles md myself per.
Ss one o1 W Tsh fhs greatest sue
159 HARRISON AVE, BOSTON.
WE have sold sAxroRD's RADICAL. cpr- N,
81 M. nearly one year and can say Sandidly thas
Sst iSis
inst Complaint - S-S
s. D. BALDWIN & CO.. wAsHIzerox, IxD.
TNHE cure effected IN my case by SAKFoEDss RApF.
l. CAL GCkE vas 30 remarkable that it seemed
TO those who had suffered without relief frou any
q the usual remediee that Il could not be true.
therefore m8de a1dslavit to IL before Seth II
Tnomqsy ESQ, Justice Of the Peace, Boston.
q GEORGE +. DINSAORE, DRU6Gisr. BosroU
Each package Of sAKFOKD's RADICAL CURE con.
talns DIT. SanfordB Improved InhAlinR Tube and
ful directions for lie use In ali cases Pfsce II ~
For sale By all wholesale and retail druRTisfs and
dealers throughout the United States and 5anadsst
WEEKS q POTTER. Genesal Agents aud whole
sale Druggists. Boston, Mass. = 800
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-20
-:
vOLTAIC PLASTER

An Electr0-Galvan BaEAsry cumhanaH
with highly MedlcaAed Observation-Disclosures
raster, forming the best Plaster for r1fTlS
ana aches IN the World u 1Ledlcine.
The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1878-12-12
NrWegiau Commerce.

The Norwegian nation is the smallest
of all European nations, but its CONNER
cial fleet is the third largest in the
world. The Norwegian flag is, of all
foreign flags, that which is most fire.
quently seen in the harbor of New
York, and through the sound which
connects the Baltic with the North sea
and forms the highway from London to
st. Petersburg, often three to four hun
dred Norwegian craft of every descrip-
tion pass during one single day. In
Norway, although not every man is a
sailor, every person is, nevertheless,
more or less directly connected with the
shipping interest. To build ships or to
sail them, to own ships or to have a part
in them, is a point in everybody's life
all along those Thousand fiords which
fringe the coast of Norway; and to the
inland farmer the most common manner
Of placing his savings is to go down to
the sea and buy part in ship. Many
a Norwegian vessel, carrying timber to
England and coal back to Denmark. or
dried fish 10 Naples and oranges back
to st. Petersburg, represents the for
tunes of whole village or parish. in
which even the servant.girl may have a
share. and to many well-to.do Norwe-
gian farmer the only source from which
he draws. and can draw, ready money is
his ship-part.
The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1878-12-12
Satisfying the BARRIER.

One time there was a barber. And
one day feller he cum into the shop
fur to git shafed, and he handed the
barber card which was wrot on like
this way:
"For my Hair-Taller, clone, lard,
bergmot, pomatum, oil, tonnick, restor-
atif, pitchooly, gum, beeswhacks, ker.
riseen and tar.
"For my Face-Cole GREEN, cam
frice, powder, ham fat, sof sope, glis-
sern, police; rooje nammel, giant c.
ment, shoe blackn.
"For my Wiskers-Sames for the
hair, only more taller.
"For my Muchtash-Do., starch,
glew, morter and solder"
When the barber he red it he was Just
dlited, and said to the feller: Z" You are
the most sensible man which has ever
set In this chair; yes, indeed. never
see man of such good TASTE"
And then the barber shafed the feller,
and tole him all the news which he cude
think, and never stopt tockin, the bar
ber didn't, while he shafed, COS he was
dlited. But. jest as he got dun shafn
the feller, and was getten reddy to put
them things on him, cordin to the
Inemmy randem, man wocked in and
took the feller by the ear, and he sed to
the barber, the man did: "This feller's
got to 60 now, COS he is escape; if you
want to finish him you must fetch them
things over to the def and dunn ward o.
the lunattic sylum. Little Johnny.
The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1878-12-12
How He Cured Them.

Many of the congregation made it a
part of their religion to twist their
necks oat of joint to witness the entrance
of every person who passed up the aisle
OF the church. Being worried one
afternoon. by this turning practice, MIR.
Dean stopped in his sermon, and said I.
" Now, you listen to me, and I'll tell
you who the people are as each one of
them comes in.
He then went on with his discourse
until a gentleman entered, when he
bawled out like an usher
"Deacon A, who keeps a shop
over the way"
He then went on with his sermon,
when presently another man passed
into the aisle and he gave his name,
residence and occupation so he con-
tinued for some time.
At length some one opened the door
who was unknown to Mr.. Dean, when
he cried ont:
"a little old man, with drab coat and
an old white hat don't know him-look
for yourselves"
The congregation was cured.-Oeve-
and Leader,
The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1878-12-12
Frauds of History.

At meeting of the Yale alumni in
New York, Professor Wheeler read a
paper, in which he exposed number of
popular historical tales. Sappho never
killed herself by jumping from a rock,
but died a natural death. Leonidas
fought at Thermopylm, not with only 300
at his back, but with 1000. The philo-
sopher Diogenes never lived in q tub.
The story of the virtues of the Roman
matron Lucretia must be rejected, while
the story OF the Horetii and CuIatii is
worse than doubtful. The sons of Bru-
tins were not the victims OF their fathers
irmness, but OF his brutality. It was
utterly impossible for Hannibal to have
followed up his victory at Canne, and
the story of his using vinegar to cleave
the rocks Of the Alps is absurd. So,
too, the story Of Cleopatra dissolving a
pearl in goblet of vinegar and drink
ing up fortune at one draught. AR.
chimedes never said: "Give me lever
long enough and 1 will move the world"
nor did he cry out Eureka |" at any
known period of his life or discoveries
Alexandria was never visited by Omar,
nor was the Alexandrian library burnt.
No more did Galileo say: "And yet it
moves for all that !" since it is proved
from authentic documents that he did
not dare to. That Columbus broke the
end of an egg and thus confuted his mock
ers is fabulous; as is also the story that
he encouraged the followers with brave
words when the shores of San Salvador
we're still out of sight. Richard Ill, of
England, did not kill his brother Clar-
ence, and the story about butt of
Malmsey arose from the fact that the
body of Clarence, who died natural
death, was transported from Calais to
England in wine butt. Charles II.
never had the body of Cromwell taken
from Westminster abbey and hanged at
Tyburn, for the daughter of Cromwell,
apprehensive of some such ill.treatment,
had her fathers corpse secretly removed
from the abbey and buried in a quiet
churchyard. Millions daughters could
not have consoled their father in his
blindness by reading passages from the
old authors, for the best OF reasons
they did not know how to read.
The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1878-12-12
Items OF Interest.


The durability of black silks is due to
their frequent cleaning.
The person who wants everything
in ship-shape should go to sea.
There is no part of man which will
stand SO many blows as his nose.
What country in Africa resembles
falsehood that is thrice told ? It must
be Tripoli.
INDIGNATION. - "Virtuous indigna-
ton is the handsome brother of anger
and hatred.
Actually some people are SO opposed
to culture that they will not elevate
their eyebrows.
The worm and the arrel-hoop are
very much alike in this respect, that
they turn when trod upon.
"Weight for the wagon" observed the
farmer as he helped his three-hundred-
pound wife to seat in the vehicle.
Every man is made better by the pos
session of good picture, if it is only
the landscape on the back of hundred
dollar note.
Frequently the masculine gender is
used to denote both sexes, as when VIC
say "Man is mortal" Man frequently
embraces woman,
A cats eyes begin to grow large at six
o'clock P. NJ, and are largest at mid
night, when bootjack seems to them
to be as large as barn door.
There are 226 counties in Texas, OF
these Tom Green and Crockett are as
large as Massachusetts,, Pecos as Con-
necticut, and Harris as Rhode Island.
Physicians in India raise blisters with
red-hot iron, and dress them with cay
enne pepper. If such treatment does
not make people "smart," we don't
know anything that would.
A Demerara (South America) news
paper contains among its local items the
announcement of the killing of snake
sixteen and half feet long opposite the
city hospital, the arrest of an Arab for
passing off penny piece frightened
with quicksilver for a half crown, and
the arrival of a ship on whose passenger
list are the Names of Messrs. Coahye.
Woozeer, Gangadin, Gree, Lutchman,
Purbhoodoyal and Mungra Mines.
Satchuy, Joymoney, Ramdoye, Bhugua,
Oozerun and Gunga, and Miss Zeeboy.
Man sometimes reaches an exalted po-
sition. Sometimes pride lifts him up
so high that he will scarcely recognize
or commune with others even on his
own level; riches may gain for him
honors and the admiration of his fellow
men he may court the muses. and win
everlasting fame he may cultivate the
sciences and win renown by some dis
covery either in the blue ethereal
heavens or in the dark caves of earth /;
he may become the most noted of men,
and thus be freed from associating with
those of common clay; but, nevertheless,
he cannot help unconsciously keeping
step with the tune of brass band that
passes him on the street.-Salem Sun.
beam,