Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1878-07-19
max AdeIer on Burglars.

VI ldJR SEVERAL DuISldrl6S nave D6eI
committed in the neighborhood in which
Mr.. James Simpson lives, and, of course
the folks are not little alarmed. In
Simpsons row alone enough firearms
and ammunition have been collected to
conduct very fair sized war with Mex
leo, and Simpson, particularly, has bought
a whole army of weapons and loaded
them to the muzzle. Simpsons brother
in-law, George Washington Budd, com
monty known az "Wash, /" lives with him,
and for weeks past, Wash, upon going to
bed, has made such a preparation and
display of various kinds Of engines of de-
struction that looker-on might have
concluded that his purpose was to con-
duct kind of battle of Gettysburg on
his own responsibility.
The other night Wash, after recapping
all his revolvers, running his thumb
along the edge of his broad sword, half
cooking his gun, and laying his bowie
knife on the chair, thought he heard a
burglar prowling about down stairs.
Buckling on his artillery, Wash, in stock
ing feet, crept down the back staircase,
determined to annihilate the thief.
Simpson heard the noise at the same
moment. They stopped and listened.
Wash thought he heard the burglar in
the parlor. Simpson felt sure the rascal
was In the dining-room pocketing spoons.
So, while Wash trod noiselessly 'front.'
wards, Simpson stepped stealthily to the
rear. Midway in the hall they came
into collision. Each felt perfectly GER
tain that the other was the burglar.
Wash grappled with his antagonist in
stantly. Simpson knew that death
struggle had begun, so he took hold with
all his might. Neither had chance to
draw their weapons.
Wash strove to throw his burglar down,
and Simpson, perceiving the game made
a huge effort to PROSTATE Wash. They
pushed, and pulled, and jerked, and
showed, and painted, humping up against
the wall, kicking up the carpet, and max
ing such hubbub that Mrs. Simpson,
in her room, and afraid to come out lift
ed up her voice and screamed with aw-
full vehemence.
After fearful and desperate struggle,
during which Wash had his coat torn to
rags and couple of handfuls Of hair
pulled out, and Simpson had his nose
jammed against chair until it felt as if
it had swelled to the size Of a watermel-
lon, Wash let go moment to get his
breath. Thereupon Simpson made a
rush for the front stairs quietly, in the
dark, and Wash, pretty well scared and
tired of war, dashed off up the back
stairs, resolved to go and see why Simp-
son didn't come down and help wipe the
burglar out.
Az Simpson got to the landing he saw
Wash's form, by the dim light from the
back room in the back entry.
"Who's thatF" shouted Simpson, nerV-
ously, feeling for his revolver.
"Me- Wash" replied the brother-in-
law
Simpson went up to him and said:
Thunder and lightning, Wash! Why
didn't you come down soonerT
"Soonerl Why, where've you been :?
I've had the most awful time you ever
heard Of"
"So've l." replied Simpson. There's
burglar in the house, and I've been
tearing him to pieces"
"You don't say so? Why, my gracious,
I've had fight with one, too, and I think
l laid him out !"
"You did? WhereT
"Why, down stairs, there in the front
entry"
mot in the entry, you don't mean T
"Yes," said Wash; In the entry near
ly banged the head off of him. Where
was your manp
"Why, in the entry, too. Queer I did
not hear youp
at is queer" replied Wash; because
l hammered his nose against a chair un-
til it must be mashed fat"
Whose nose p
"The burglars; and he tore my coat to
rags, and pretty nearly scalped me-"
"Who didT'
''The burglar"
Simpson was silent moment, ana
then he said:
Come here to the light"
They entered the bathroom, and Wash
looked at Simpson and Simpson looked
at Wash.
"Washl" said Simpson.
"WhatP said Wash.
"Wash, you're the biggest idiot in the
State. Hang me if don't believe you've
been fighting with mel Look at my
nose p
'NoI you don't sayY" Did you pun
out your burglars hair, and splinter up
his coat"
'I'm afraid I did," said Simpson"
"Mr: Simpson" said Wash, calmly, "if
there is bigger ass on the continent
than am, 1 think 1 can lay my hand on
the man a party by the name of Jim
Simpson"
Just at this juncture Mrs. Simpson few
from her room down the hallway, and
into the bathroom, where she fell on her
knees, clasped her hands, and shrieked:
Save me James oh, save me, Wash
ington, save mel Don't let me be muir
deredl Don't don't, oh, DON'T"
Simpson looked sheepishly at Wash
then without saying a word, he seized
Mrs. Simpson by the arm, ran her over
to the bedroom, and slammed the door.
Then George Washington Budd went
up stairs disgorging his murderous ap-
paratus, locked his bowie knife in his
trunk, and went to bed.
Both cOmhatanfa cxtyOy.a uaoraax,. hfrt