The Hillsdale standard. [volume] (Hillsdale, Mich.) 1851-1909, 1878-08-27

belle in English has much the signi-
| fication. London Fun.
At Springfield, Mrs. Parington sadly
remarked that she had toothache "for
three successful nights.
Beaconsdeld gets only the garter.
/ We thought he was to have the whole
widow Albany Times.
An Albany clergyman was recently
telling a marvellous story, when his lit
/ tie girl said: "Now. pop, say. il that
really true, or is it just preaching?"
An old negio cook says: "Saas is
powerful good in everything but chill
dren. Dey need some oder kind of
dressin."
Philadelphia telles at Cape May say:
Bring me me hat; I'll walk for a
couple of squares on the beach with
me mother.
"How old are you?" asked conduc-
tor of little girl who was trying to
ride on half-fare 81 am nine at home
but in the cars am only six and a
half"
First witch TO her husband, when
she wanted him TO get up and burl the
! bootlack down on the woodshed roof:
Thrice the drinde cat hath mew'd"
= Oil City Derrick.
The Rev. John Jasper has had to
leave his house because could not pay
his rent, and has gone to live with his
mother. DE son do move. IN
York Graphic.
The eclipse stopped game Of base
ball at Utica, y. Y. This sort of thing
must not occur again, and the heaven
ly bodies might as well understand it
at once New Orleans Picayune.
A good man was trying to tell his
/ son that "Order is heavens first law"
and the young hopeful offered to lay
/ the old man a stake that heaven had no
laws, no sinners, and no nothing OF
evil. ! Picayune.
Should the dog tax be collected fair
ly this year, the city will reap a rich
/ harvest. Where a man had but one dog
/ last year, he now has, In consequence
of the hard times, two, three, or four.
= Louisville Courier-Journal.
A newly married man, who evidently
needs discipline. thus discourses: "a
woman is handy thing TO have about
| the house. She does not cost any more
to keep than you'll give her, and she'll
take a great interest in you"
During the past winter New Hamp-
shire woman had cut and piled twenty
I l.. a II .l
ing pretty fair. Every man should en-
courage his wife to beat it, though
| [Danielsonville Sentinel.
"Ah." said the fly as it crawled
around the bottle. 'I Eave passed
through the Matching age, the creeping
age, the flying age, and now / am in
the mucilage, and" there 1t stuck
/ Keokuk Constitution.
A lecturer, addressing a mechanics
/ institute, contended that art could
not Improve nature" when one OF the
audience set the whole audience in
roar by exclaiming, "How would YOU
look without your wig?"
Aunt Maria (vho has been roughly
used by the waves): True as / live.
! I've lost my upper set in that last tum-
BILE we got in the surf. What on earth
shall / do at dinner time? And this
salt air gives one such an appetizer
harper's Bazaar.
Now is the season when a man bear
ing large watermelon is seen advanc-
ing towards a newspaper office. He
enters, places the melon on the editors
table, stands back 10 observe the effect
and retires with the remark: "No
thanks-no thanks. You may send me
the paper for year"
A downtown res ident, native TO the
land which gave Bismarck birth, re-
marked TO young man, supposed TO be
seriously atte ntive to "A very handsome
niece: dot felier's vixed. He got
um pad. He makes dot gal present ov
ring NIT dose don't you-forget-me-it
flowers on.
An old gentleman has Just died in
Illinois who held the Office of postmas-
ter in a small town for more than thir-
~ years. He said he thought he
might have worried through another
summer il there hadn't been so many
postal cards to read Washington
Post.
A California paper tells Of a hen that
has mania for laying umbrellas. Now
that umbrellas are so cheap, there is
no difficulty about laying them in, but
the prevailing mania is for borrowing
and not returning them. II that hen
had been caught on-nest, she would
have kept away from the umbrella
stand Philadelphia Bulletin.
Little Willie p, Who is about four
years old, was observed recently. by
his father, to he listening 10 neiehbor,
who, while working in his field just OPP
pOsite, was using much profane lan-
cuage. The father said TO his little
boy, willie, what are you thinking
aboul?" II think" answered Willie,
"Mr. - ought to say, for Jesus
sake, amen.
Scene a Sixth street car; time IL p.
NJ; dramatis persone-alert conduc-
tor; Sleepy passenger and driver. Alert
conductor (referringto street)-"John"
Sleepy passenger Tin doze)-"Y-e-s."
Driver TO horse)-'Get up" Sleepy
passenger-"In a minute"-snd wakes
to a realization Of his position and the
laughter Of the rest Of the passengers.
i Cincinnati Commercial.
Won Moltke tells q good story OF q
big Circassian whom he saw parsding
through A packed ballroom with q
whole arsenal Of pistols in his belt.
"Are they loaded?" asked Won Moltke,
with some apprehension Of an accident.
"Loaded?" said the Circassian with an
accent of disgusted surprise: what
would want to carry pistols for il they
weren't loadedP'
A tramp knocked at the door, and
Unexpectedly the head Of the family
opened il. young mat, said the lat
ter, 81 landed here twenty years ago,
in worse times than the present with
two shillings, and washed dishes in
the country for living, aud now look
at me-. And be threw his chest out
and beamed. ''Sir." replied the tramp,
''can You direct me To somebody who
has lot Of dishes to clean?"
Some time since a clever Tuscaroran
was arrested for cattle stealing end
| hauled mp before Judge Flack at Elko
for trial. The jury acquitted him with
out leaving the box, aud upon his re-
. 4 n.