Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1878-12-19
American Punch.

plCdSS.
American Punch.
Out in the bonanza regions the mines
the measure of the man.-New YORK;
World.
Did you ever hear hogshead speak?
If so, what was it the hogshead ?-Tran-
script.
The close of the day is too light a
garment for this cold weather.-Nep
York Star.
William Penn used to spell the name
of his state PENNSYLVANIA. Now Y was
the knocked out ?-E?rotange.
England is happy again trouncing a
boy right at Russia's back door.-Tun-
er's Falls Reporter.
By lodging down back street many
a culprit has proved an alley by.-Nelc
Orleans Picagune.
81 have theory about the dead Ian
guages," said new student. "What
is it?" asked the professor. "That they
were killed by being studied too hard"
The experiment has been tried often
enough to prove that a button-hook is
not a night-key.-Hackensack Pepub-
Ecan.
On account of the decided manner of
his spouse, Smythe says his children
are governed by ma-shall-iaw.-Bo ston
Transcript.
Boston Transcript: "Thus do we burn
the midnight toll" said the facetious
editor, as ne consigned old humble
pegs manuscript to the stove.
The thirst for continual novelty
makes people throw away good alma
macs at the end of every year ard buy
new ones.-NeaO Orleans Pjcayonae.
"a soft answer turneth away wrath !"
but a tough anser turneth away the
carving-fork, slides all over the dish,
and covers the head of the family with
gravy and confusion.-Pnck.
The Detroit Freee Press objects to a
winter with mud three inches deep and
the hens singing their summer songs.
Oh, very well: who's doing this weather,
sir?-BufaIo Express.
as justice dead?" asks the Baltimore
Neeos. No, we believe not. We never
heard Of her trying to kindle the fire
with coal oil.-Philadelphia Chronicle
Herald.
The question before Massachusetts,
debating society is: "What is the use of
bears tail?" Why, it's what fills a
hunter with delight when the bear
turns t.-Gncinaatj- Commercial
Didn't I tell you to call me at six
o'clock this morning? Why did you
disobey me, Joseph ?" off you please,
sir, was afraid you wouldn't like it.
You were asleep."-Puck.
The lad who suddenly sat down on a
red hot stove, pensively remarked that
he was reminded of the retreating gen
eral who burned his breeches behind
him.-Cjncinnai Saturday Night.
The saddest time, we think, in a
young mans life, is when girl writes
to him that she wants her old letters,
and that he can have his so cent dia.
mond earrings upon application.-Neu
York Express.
Tell you what, there is something in
blood and the pride of birth, after all
The Virginia papers are urging the PEG.
pie Of that state not to permit false
pride" to prevent their endorsing and
advocating reputation of the state
debt. We never thought CT it in that
way before; how often a mans "false
pride " tempted him to pay his debts
Hao0keye
"Seth, said Mrs. Spicer, "plants are
very fashionable for hall ornaments
now, and [ wish you would get me one
for ours" and when Spicer replied that
he would have hat-tree hailed home
wished he would keep his stupid jokes
for his club dinners, and not bring them
home to contaminate the minds of the
children. But then, wives are rarely
grateful.-B0st0n Commercial BaAetin.
A lanky, raw-boned six-footer, after
gazing into a Broadway show-windoW
very though fully for some time, turned
away with a puzzled look, walked a
block or two, and then returned to gaze
upon an old-fashioned horse pistol label
ed Captain Berdan's pistol which oc,
cupied a conspicuous position among
any number and style of firearms
swords, sabers, and bowie-knives. He
opened the store door, and having call.
ed clerk from the far end of the es.
Enlistment, said: "Is that Captain
Berdan's pistol p 'It is" replied the
clerk. Chen" said rawbones, 'Why
doesn't he come and get it?"-New York
Erpress.
An old lady from Hackensack step.
ped from the train during storm the
other day, and vainly endeavored to
raise her umbrella, but 1t resisted all
her efforts. The gentiemanly ticket
agent rushed to the rescue, but he, too
was baffied, SO he, smiling said: "Mad-
am, [ see your umbrella is burglar
proof. Have you the combination-?'
The old lady gave him a whitening
glance, raised the rain-shedder up on
high, and, when it descended on that
agents head, he found he had learned
the combinafion.-Ha ckensack RepubG,