Smyrna times., 1878-08-07
A Mysterious Visit,
BY MARK TWAIN.

The first notice that was taken of me
when "scttled down." recently, was bv
a gentleman who said lie was an assessor,
and connected with the United States In
ternal Revenue Department. said l
had never heard Of his branch of bust
ness before, but | was very glad to see him,
all the same-would he sit down? He sat
down. | did not know anything particu-
lar to say, and yet felt that people who
have arrived at the dignity of keeping
house must be conversational, must be
easy and sociable in company. So i'll de.
fault of anything else to say, | asked him
if he was opening his shop in our neigh
borhood. He said he was. (I did not
wish to appear ignorant, but l had hoped
he would mention what he had for sale.)
l ventured to ask him chow was trade?''
and he said "So,so."
l then said we would drop in, and if we
liked his house as we'll as any other, we
would give him our custom.
He said he thought we would like his
establishment we'll enough to confne our
selves TO it-said he never saw anybody
who would 90 off and hunt another man
in his line after trading with him once.
That sounded pretty complacent, but
barring that natural expression of villainy
which we all have, the man looked honest
enough.
| do not know how it came about, ex.
actly, but gradually we appeared to melt
down and run together, cOnversationally
speaking and then everything went along
as comfortably as clock work.
We talked, and talked, and taAed-a
least did. And we laughed, and laughed
and laughed-at least he did. But all the
time had my presence of mind about me
i had my native shrewdness turned on
"full head" as the engineers say. wa
determined to find out all his business, in
spite of his obscure answers-and l de
terminded 1 would have it out of hin
without shis suspectng what / was at.
meant to trap him with a deep, deep ruse
| would tell him all about my own business
and he would naturally so warm to m'
during this seductive burst of confdenc,
that he would forget himself and tell m,
all about his affairs before he suspected
what l was about. l thought to myself
my son you little know what an old 70:
you are dealing with. said
"Now you never would guess what
madelecturing this winter and last spring? ?
"No-I don't believe l could, to say
me. Let me see-let me see. About tw
thousand dollars maybe? But Mono, sil
know you couldn't have made tina
much. Say seventeen hundred maybe
"Ha-hal l knew you couldn't. NJ
lecturing receipts for last spring and tn
winter were fourteen thousand seven hui
dred and fifty dollars. What do you thin
of that?"
! Why it is amazing-perfectly amazing
| will take note of it. And you say tn
wasn't all?'
"Ahl Why, bless you, there was n
income from the Buffalo Express for fol
months s-about-about-well, what shoul
you say to about eight thousand dollar
for instance?"
"Say! Why 1 should just like to 81
myself rolling in another ocean of afh
ence. Eight thousand "I'n make no
of it. Why, man land on the top of tn
l am to understand that you had ST
more income"
"Ha.ha-haI Why, you're only in Il
suburbs of it, so to speak. There's n
book, "The Innocents Abroad"-price$3 So.
to S., according to binding. Listen to m
Look me in the eye. During the last fo
months and a half, say nothing of sales befo
that-but just simply during the last 70
months and half, ending March Is, 181
we've sold ninety-thousand copies of tn
book. Nnety-five thousand copies ThiI
1 of it Average four dollars copy, say.
= nearly four hundred thousand dollars, I
son. get half"
"The suffering Moses I'll set that dow
Fourteen-seven-f -ffty-eight-two hundre
# Total, say-well, upon my word the graz
II total is about two hundred and thirteen
K fourteen thousand dollars. Is that pos
!. ble?"
"Possiblel If there's any mistake
the other way. Two hundred and fourte
thousand, cash is my income this year il
I, know how to cipher"
Then the gentleman got up to 60.
came over me the most uncomfortably II
maybe had made revelations for nothil
besides being fattered into stretching tn
considerably by the strangers astonish
exclamations. But no; at the last nome
the gentleman handed me large envelo
and said it contained his advertlseme
and that | would find out all about
business in it; and that he would be haI
- to have my custom-would, IN TACT,
~ proud to have the custom OF man OF 81
prodigious income, and that he USED
think that there were several wealthy II
+s in Buffalo, but when they come to tri
with MIN ne ulscOFereu InaI IhSy Os'A
had enough to live on; and that in tr
it had been such weary, weary age 81
he had seen rich man face to face, {
IF. talked with him, and touched him "
his hands, that he could hardly refr
from embracing HMM fact, would
US teem in a great favor if / would let
embrace me.
This so pleased me that did not tr.
az resist, but allowed this simple-heaI
stranger to throw his arms about me