The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1878-07-25
PASSING SMILES.

| d SWORD 10 wound thine own breast or
murder friend.
IF you reject unmerited praise, you
are unhappy; if you accept it, you are
probably undene.
| UNMERITED oblivion is but another
name for the ignorance of the many and
the virtues of the few.
If you were DR.. Mary's husband
You would find it hard to learn,
When putting on your trous rs,
| To distinguish yourn from hern.
ALL the nice boys have their hair
closely lawn-mowed. 1t stabs the flies
to death, and bothers the mosquitoes
Breakfast Table.
EDISON has perfected a fog horn that
can be heard ten miles, but when it
comes to an invention for getting his
hired girl up in the morning, he smiles
sadly and falls to musing on the infinite.
A CORRESPONDENT, in writing of
recent celebration in the city of Cleve-
land, says: The procession was very
fine, and nearly two miles long, as was
also the report of DIR. Perry, the chap
lain"
THE Burlington Hawkeye says: eff
that he does not like and can not agree
with, if he will bring his paper to the
office and point out the offending line,
it out for him"
A MINISTER, going to visit one of his
sick parishioners, asked him how he
rested during the night. "Oh, won
drously i'll, sir."' he replied, /" for mine
eyes have not come together these three
nights" "What is the reason of that?"
said the other. ''Alas, SIR" said he,
because.my nose was betwixt them"
BENJAMIN F. KING, JR, of New Bed
ford, recently coughed up splinter of
wood which had been in his body for
twenty-nine years, being part of a
stick which had accidentally pierced his
flesh and broke of. He had often ex-
perienced sharp neuralgia pains in the
vicinity of the wound, which have now
entirely ceased.
WHAT to him was love or hope7
What to him was Joy or care? He step
ped on plug of Irish soap the girl had
left ON the topmost stair, and his feet
few out like wild, fierce things, and he
struck each stair with a sound like
drum; and the girl below with the
scrubbing things laughed like fend to
see him come"
A NEwLY-MARRIED lady, who, as in
duty bound, was very fond of her hus-
band, Notwithstanding his extreme ugli-
ness of person, once said to a witty
friend, "What do you think? My hus-
band has laid out fifty guineas for a
large baboon on purpose to please mep'
"The dear little manp' cried the other.
"Well, it's just like him."
HE had fought under the old flag, he
said with a husky pathos, but the officer
had two thin-faced women and colored
expressman ready to swear that the row
occurred beneath the red rag in front of
an auction store, and grew out of
wranele about the price of second
hand cook stove with one broken leg
Breakfast Table.
Two Germans met in San Francisco
recently. After affectionate greeting,
the following dialogue ensued: Fen
you said you hef arrived p Yester-
day" "You came dot Horn around ?''
overT "No." "Den you hef not ar
rivedw ooh, yes! 1 hef arrived. /
come dot Mexico through"
AN Irish bricklayer was one day
brought to the Edinburgh Infrmary
severely injured by fall from house
top. The medical man in attendance
asked the sufferer at what time the acci-
dent occurred. "Two O'Clock, yer
honor" was the reply. On being asked
how he came to fix the hour so accu-
rately, he answered: because I saw
the people at dinner through window
as was coming down."
THE MISSING MAN.
1t was a Monday morning
And the merchant in his chair
Uneasily did fdget he,
For his cashier was not there.
1t was on a Monday morning
With wild distracted
The cashiers wife was listening for
Her lords foot on the stair.
She hastened to the Office,
Her face with terror white,
&" He has not been home. my husband, !"
She gasped, Z" since Friday night"
Then up sprang that old merchant
With sympathetic looks
Said she, " Examine the river"
bald he, 81 Examine the books"
YoNKERs had Fourth of July orator,
who said: " And while the heart of the
nation continues to throb, while the
hollyhock of liberty dissimulates its fra
GRANGE over the aria of our domain,
while the gratitude of the free-born tons
of soil mean sons of toil-reealls the
heroism of those who bought and fled
excuse me, should have said fought
and bled-for US, so long will we cherish
| the noble beresy bequeathed to US by
our patriotic posterity."