River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1878-10-17
Humorous Items.


What is the difference between grass
plat during a drouth and washerwom-
ans house2 One is dry lawn and the
other laundry.
Gentleman: 81 say, waiter, I've just
cracked this egg. Look at it," don't
lock very nice at that end, sir, | must
say. Try the other"
A good listener Enthusiastic young
lady: 'You are fond of music, colonelr
''Awyes, ! think may say like--aw
noise of-of any kind"
What is the difference between a man
struck with amazement and leopards
taill One is rooted TO the spot, and the
other is spotted 10 the root.
paper, sirg" asked the newsboy. "No
/ never read" was the blunt reply. "Hi
boys, come here,n called out the gamin:
"Here's a man as is practisin' for the
jury"
A curious sign has been adopted at
Cupar by a native baker proud Of his
knowledge of English, European loaf
er" being printed in large letters over
his door.
An agricultural society offered pre-
MUM for the best mode of irrigation,
which was printed Irritation" by mis-
take A farmer sent his wife to claim
the prize.
''Fine nainsools, embroidered, makes
lovely slips for children says fashion
writer. Orang peel on sidewalk con-
tinues to be good enough for men,
Picdgat9e.
rt,ho ,,,,,,.l 4 .-,os 81 ~ ,,,o,.c.,. a -
finement tew luxurys-digoing roots for
and going naked for clothes, IL the break
sast Write wous innocence ov lazy savage.
Josh Billings.
The proprietor of livery stable should
be stable man-of easy carriage-not
prone to be sulky. With such qualifca-
tons he will carryall before him; other
wise has gig is up.
Tsere is no such thing as posthumous
charity. There may be equity, or pro-
pritEy, in a last designation of earthly
goods, but in real or intrinsic generosity
or benevolence there is not.
DR.. Carver can shoot fourteen bullets
into the bunghole of pork barrel while
the barrel is rolling down steep hill.
For such man life can hold but few
untasted triumphs.
We want to know if our invitation to
the Peace Congress entities us to more
than five hundred pounds of baggage. We
never like to start on q long journey with
out taking an extra pair of shoes along.
A Virginia woman. it is ,tated, "has
died from the excessive use Of tobccco."
aged one hundred years. Dealers
should be arrested and heavily
fined for selling tobacco aged one hun
dred years.
The bumble-bee doesent wake up now
until about 10 o. clocs in the forenoon,
but the small boy shouldn't think to tread
on him on that account He's one o. the
sort of insects who can do heap of work
in his sleep.
No man can go down into the dungeon
of his experience, and hold the torch of
truth to all his dark chambers and hid
den cavities, and not come up with a
shudder and a chill, and an earnest cry
to heaven for mercy and cleansing,
Scan l ask you few questions con-
corning the celebrated Damascus STEELE"
is the way correspondent begins his
letter. Certainly; we don't care Dam
ascus anything you want to.-Brook-
UiEIe Democrat.
1t is a lamentable fact that a pioce of
paste-brard with verse on it. given as a
reward of merit in a Sabbath school, has
not half the charm for the boy as the size
piece of pasteboard with the simple tails
manic words, ''admit one. Boston Globe.
"Who was the doubling disciple?" in
quired the Sunday school teacher. "Pe-
ter" promptly replied the smart bad boy.
mo, Thomas,n said the teacher. "Then
what do the people always say 'Petered
out forl" inquired the smart bad boy.
Ralokeye.
If boy comes to his mother on Satur-
day and wants holes IN his pockets mend
ed, 1t is best to keep him thoroughly in
hand next day, for he wants to go chest
nuting, and will nos hesitate to run away
from Sunday. school. = ,Binghampton Re
publican.
At festival of lawyers and editors, a
lawyer gave toast: Z" The Editor-he
always obeys the calls of the devil" IN
editor responded The Editor and the
Lawyer-the devil is satisfied with the
copy Of the former, but requires the orig
inal of the latter"
A clergyman. accosted by an old ac-
quaintance by the name of Cobb, replied ::
Il don't know you, SIR" "My name is
Cobb, sir" rejOined the man, who was
about half seas over. "Ah SIR" said the
minister, "you have so much corn on that
l did NOT see the cob"
She (bewitchingly)-"O. I'm so glad
you're going to see me to my carriage,
Mr. Brown" He (f1attered) ID Indeed;
and may l ask why2' SHe-"O, because
the girls are so jealous, and want to
prove that | do not mOnopolize all the
good-looking men," Brown satisfied, but
not 50 happy as he expected 10 be.
Good name for lady lawyer-Sue.-
Rone Seminal. For female gambler
Bet Ballstone Democrat. For female
hoemaker-Peg.-.St Simeon. For
female messenger--Carrie 7. Meas.
For female composite -En.-T0rch.
For female soldier--Sally. Pass 'er
round.
Mentor: Remember Richelieu's words
sir, In the bright lexicon of youth
there's no such word as fail " Incorrgi-
Bile: Amt there? Well, it's jolly lucky
the words in the bright lexicon of mid
die life, then-three failures haye made
me.
Il suppose you have been to your
lodgel" she scornfully inquired when she
opened the door upon him suddenly ut
midnight ''No, no, my dear" Blinks re-
piled, with gushing canuor, you see
stopped at a strawb'ry fes'v'l on my way
the berries soured on my
A celebrated actress, whose fresh smile
and silver voice favored the deception,
always called harself "sweet sixteen"
She stated her age as sixteen in court as
a witness. Her son was directly after
ward called up and asked how old he
was. "Six months older than mother
was the honest reply.
"Mr. PRESIDENT" said Buffalo alder
man, Il makes der motion as der new
Jail be build on der same spot as der old
Jail what's now standing; dat saves der
money for der land; and | makes der
motion as der old Jail not be pull down
till der new Jail is built, so We will not be
widout der Jail. Com. Bulletin.
The Virginia City Chronicle is led to
believe the chronic borrowers are getting
sharper every day. Have you got cha ng
or S57' asked one over there. "CertaiE
"" said an innocent-looking fellow, who
pulled out handful of silver. "Then
oan me $780, said the other, without a