Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1878-10-05
The Old Family Journal.
VARIETY.

/ when she goes IN swimming. one LaS NiNAtE
got to kick out like man or set drowned.
Careful housewife" Ia who'd tboGsAt
haby's shoes would turn up in the soup! Bot
| | knew it wasn't lost Ineyer lose anything y
A lady says Of her nose ! had nothing
to do with shaping it. IL was birthday
( present"
Why is a traveller up yesuvus'' like little
man trying TO kiss tall woman Because
he's trying to get to the mouth Of the crater.
Are you the mate Of this ship? said a
newly-arrived passenger 10 the cook. " No,
/ sir. | am the man that cooks the mate, said
I the Hibcrnian.
An Indiana girl says she finds nothing 50
( good for the complexion as rubbing her face on
/ youug mans vest The young man must be
inside Of it though.
Every man will appreciate The following
! from the boston Post /" "'lis sweet 20 swiOg
/ upon tue gate, with Julia by your side but
not So sweet when her dad comes out swinging
tough cowhidc.'
have no objection 10 talking with par
! son, said an Arkansas murderer, but It seems
{ to ne that ! need an my time Tor getting my
/ hair cut for The exhibition at y o'clock sharp
: | want To look decent before the crowd"
The master purpose Of a truo mans lie Is
/ to be useful 10 others There is 20 duty cd
mean that il will not be ennobled by this
/ motive There is no function SO dguifed that
it will not receive from this motive fresh
dignity.
If you love others, they will love You II
you speak kindly to them, they will speak
kindly to you Love is repaid with love. aud
hatred with hatred. Would you hear a sweet
aud pleasin! echo, speak swcetly and pleas
antly yourself.
II would make a stone image turn erccn
with envy to observe the expression Of pro-
found abstraction that settles down on the
face Of w1rshiper when tho contribution
basket gets within about three pews OF bim.
Yes, gentlemen, certainly, Of course sail
main street clothier, " j: you want pair ot
pants step in into my pantry il vest walk
up 20 my vestry, end II n coat-bero jacob
show this gentleman into the cou,eric. This
way, this way gentlemen"
"What fine dark hair you have got, Miss
M My wife who is much younger than
you, has her hair quite gray" Indeed, re-
joined Miss NJ "if ] hsi been your wife
my hair 20 doubt would have been gray too
During a recent trial in the Isle Of Man The
Jury was addressed by counsel aud Judge for a
period of twonty-nino hours and Glly.lye
minutes. An old bachelor declares that hence
forth the locality should be called the lslU of
Woman.
A man seeing several very lean horses
standing tied in front Of n livery stable, asked
I II tf 10 p,aHa horaaa an, % ~
the proprietor "Why do you ask ?" "Only'
replied be, " because | observed you have sew
eral frames set up
The prettiest girl in Whcatland uses paint.
n she only knew how dirty anl sallow il
makes the back Of her neck look TO the man
who sits Immediately behind her in church
she would quit it, The line Of demarcltion
between the liy-white induced by creme do
lis is painfully evident. Il don I look well to
see Girl all rosy and beautiful 10 front aud
all sallow or lTcckled behind.
Two young men went out fishing the other
dav. and on returning were going past farm
house and feeling hungry. yelled at the far
mer's daughters: "GTls, have you any
buttermilk2" The reply was geatly wafel
back TO their ears: " Yes; but we keep IL lyr
our own calves"
While Adam and Eve were get in Ellen,
when our fair young ndmotber.know'there
wasn't another living soul in all the wide,
wide world but herself and her snoring bus
band. we don't suppose she ever went b. sleep
without first looking under the couch of moss
and leaves "for man." AMI rousing Adam
from his frst sweet nap 10 ask him il be was
sure be had locked the front door?
The servant girl, 10 sweeping my lady's
chamber. comes acTost fvo-irauc piece, and
gives il TO her mistress, who says, Thank
you. Catherine, keep it lor your honesty" a
day or two later. my edy missing n ten-franc
piece. asks Catherine II she has seen il. "Ycs,
IN, found II this morning wl!le sweeping,
aud kept it for my honesty"
West End man who was told that elycer-
inc was one Of tic best lubricants ever
discovered bad the curiosity 70 learn wbat
effect a few drops would hare on bis wile's
talking apparatus, and caj0ied ber into takiog
a spoonful under pTetenso OF a tonic. l. five
minutes the door came OF is hinges the
garden gate bgl the jam-jams, cook stove upset
aud two Of the children the meascls, aud tie
man himself was gray-headed and Partially
bald inside Of half an hour, i'e thinks now
that the dose administered must have been a
trae too large.
Yonkers bed Fourth Ct Jply orator who
said And while the heart Of our nation con-
tinnes the throb, while the hollyhock Of liberty
dssimulates lis fragrance over the aria Of our
domain, while the gratitude Of Tie iree-born
tons Of soil ! mean sons Of toil--reca'ls the
beroism Of those whe bought and led-excuse
me. should have said fossb, aud bled-f0r
rs. 50 long viii we treasure the noble heresy
bequcsthed TO Us By cur bat-Tioiic posterity."
An Irish lawyer lately addressed the court
a. gentlemen, Instead Of your bonors A
brother Of the bar reminding him Of bis error,
he Immediately arose TO apologize thus:
May It please the cOgrt, 10 the heat Of
debate ! called yer honors gentlemen made
a mistake, yer honors.
The gentleman sa, down, end probably the
court was satisfied.
A day or two ago DR.. Baxter, medical pur-
veyor Of the T.. S. A.. was sitting 10 bis Office,
busily engaged in poring over his papers,
when bis chief clerk said, I" Doctor, here Is a
communication from New Orleans, what shall
do with it2' Without raising bis eyes from
the work upon which be was engaged ise
doctor said, " Has il been famigated ?" The
clerk replied that il had not, wheTeupon the
doctor rather tar,ly directed that il should be
fumieated aud then brought TO him. This
was accordingly done, and it was handed tho
doctor. when his surprise can be imagined %
r. IL r.rfgr s.as -.