The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1878-11-02
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
'sWhat is the name of your cat, sir?''
inquired visitor. 50 His name was William, y
said the host, g until he had fits, and since
then we have called him Fits William"
William Pivitt, of ST. Paul, on being arrested
for branding his unruly sons tongue with a
hot iron. said things had come to pretty pass
when parent could not discipline his own
children.
When you see particular happy merchant
in town-a man who is always contented, cheer
ful. and walks along swapping his fingers and
smiling benignantly passing acquaintances,
and never stopping to kick dog off the side
walk-iust you look in the paper, and you'll
find that his advertisement is the biggest in the
sheet.
Deacon Brown lately took occasion to ad-
minister reproof to old Joe for swearing. Joe
listened attentively to his words, seemed to ap-
precIate the exhortation, and, when be had con-
cIuded, replied as follows Sc The fact is, deacon,
that NAV swear a great deal and you may pray
great deal; but neither OF US mean anything
by it
When Tunis was n Roman province it support
ed n population of 20,000,0 900, but now the
number Of inhabitants does not exceed 500, 900.
The British Consul General in Algeria attributes
this changed condition to the extensive destruc-
tion of forests which has taken plase since
cient times. Vast plains, now covered with arid
sand, were formerly dotted with timber.
Domestic joys are great mystery, but some
peoples peculiar appreciation OF them Is
greater mystery still. A gentleman just return
ed from '' Yurrup,'' as John Cough says the
word is pronounced, vowed that he never would
travel any more and then wiped tear from
his Ielt-handed cheek. Z" just think of i'll luck"
he said. " At one of the crowded stations L
lost both my gold-headed cane and my wife.
He was silent for few grief-stricken moments,
and then added, in fearful tones, And it was
n bran new cane, too"
Now, my man." said the lawyer to the wit
ness tell us exactly what passed" Yes,
nv lord. l said would not have the pig
And what was his answer?'' '' He said he had
been keeping it for me, and that he" g No,
no He could not have said that. He spoke in
the first person. {" No, my lord was the
first person that spoke" 81 mean, don't
bring in the third person. Repeat bis exact
words" There was no third person, my
lord only him and me- My good fel-
low. he did not say he had been keeping
the pig. He said Il have been keeping it,"
ss assure you my lord, there was no mention
of your lOrdship at all. We are ON different
stories There was no third person there, and
if anything had been said about your lordship
must have heard it."
After the Congress adjourned the other even
ing Bismarck punched Beaconsfield playfully
in the ribs, as the two sauntered down Main
street, and said
Who's treaty?'
mo particular individual can claim it my
dear friend. The treaty belongs to all of US.
1t is the product
90, wipe your shin Of school it, said Bis
marck, laughing. Ton't you hunderstant?"
and he repeated very slowly, ' Who's treat-eh
treat; to q feller 1t he Will hat somedings; set
'em up See?''
Beaconsfnld fumbled, and stepping behind
n green screen, exclaimed
It's mine, it's mine What will you have ?'
ss PEER replied Bismarck, his face beaming
with good humor, '' elry dimes, peer.
City Derrick. ....
An OLD SFoRY.-In the early part of 1879
the year of Peterloo-meetings were held in the
then unrepresented towns of Lancashire and
Yorkshire, and, 50 with a view to embarrass
the Government, pledge was generally entered
into by the people to abstain from the use of
auy excisable article not absolutely necessary
to support existence.
The idea that the people should abstain from
spirits aud ale shocked the good old loyalists,
especially when sobriety was prompted by
desire for reform. Mr.. Archibald Prentice, in
his Z" Personal Recollections,' tells us that
nIacard was stuck on the walls of Manchester,
and distributed from house to house, which
urged the readers '' TO return to their good old
drunken habits, to prove their attachment to
King, Church, and Constitution, endangered
by this conspiracy to promote sobriety."
HE expeuce Ok kdDOuE %OU) WIS
Maid out of the church rates
Why ARE so MANY THINGS so.-Why is it
right TO steal from the government?
Why Jim Anderson should get off so much
easier than Ananias. .--. .
Why is it wrong to kill the man who says
he told you go?
Why the boys who made the Fourth of July
odorous and hideous with gunpowder from 1910
TO 1856, inclusive, are speechless with indigna-
tion at the depraved and vicious tastes of the
boys who want to enjoy the same kind of cele-
bration in 1878.
Why people always discuss European politics
as though they understood them.
Why a should always get mad if you
frankly, and for his own good, tell him he is
making ass of himself.
Why is it SO hard to find man when you
want TO borrow money of him?
Why is it so hard to borrow the money after
YOU have found him?
Why man always wishes he had chosen
some other profession.
Why man is always going to take vaca-
ton ss next Summer
Why man thinks every year that he won't
be as big fool this year as he was last.
Why he is, all the same
Why man never tries to beat down the
price of a railroad ticket.
Why everybody affects profound knowledge
of growing crops and crop prospects.
Why always lie about the size of the
fish they catch and the number of ducks they
shoot.
What girl ever sees in great, selfish, de-
ceitful, hulking animal of man to marry him