The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1878-08-24
VARIETY.

u
Do not insult the under man in n fight by tell
ing him there is plenty of room on top.
a man who has repeatedly tried them, says
that all the short cuts TO fortune are horribly
OyercrOwded.
Painful questions by the SuItan-'' Is this
Turkey, or is it merely portion of England, Rus
sia, Austria and other countries?'
'' You may break, you may shatter the vase,
If you will, ," but the frightful keramics pasted
on by the women folks will stick to it still.
There is such difference between members of
the same family. For instance there's the Bility
family, such difference between A. Bility and
ID. Bility.
EdisOns latest invention measures pressure.
We shall now find anklrow much hugging girl
can stand before her ribs begin to break
Restaurant patron These sausages are hard
ly up to the mark, Waiter they amt eh
Well, dye expect Italian greyhound and thor
Oughbred Scotch terrier for two bits"
The circumstance that the words man and
woman are again coming into use is urged as an
evidence of advancing Civilization. -
=. See here, wife, you indulge that boy too
much. He is perfect mule.' 8" Oh husband,
please don't accuse our boy of having an for
a father" The old man was silent.
The scientist who lays down as a principle
that the animal system 90 does not admit of two
excitements at the same time has never seen
small boy with humble bee under his hat
and another in the slack of his pants.
a man whose knowledge is based on actual ex-
perence says that when calling on their sweet
hearts young men should carry affection in their
hearts, perfection in their manners, and confec-
tion IN their pockets.
The name of the phonograph in German is
nsergehausneketigenfer ehauphheichtaunsge
spreecher. When you wind that up on the cy-
Under, and leave it till it gets cold, and then
grind it out. it usually tears the machine to
pieces and strikes the house with the light
ning.-Burhngton HatUkeye.
Ii. is said that when Ben Butler gets up in the
morning he looks in the thermometer to see which
political party he belongs to for the day. When
the mercury, at eight A. NJ, marks eighty degrees
or over, Ben is-But politics eschewed in
this column.
Epigram by poor poet gazing on the Goddess
of Liberty one of the new dollars-the same
being his bottom coin:
Alas too soon we part
A tear starts in its socket;
Thourt in my heart,
But rarely in my pocket.
The seventh article in the will of late
citizen of New Orleans reads IS Whereas,
it seems that my son John is inclined to play
poker, WHICH Is u uu08eTOuS game 10 LlnkeE
with, unless you know what you doing
therefore | leave my son John 900, that
he may 90 to Halifax, n. c., and learn how
TO play the game.
4 Ute Indian died recently near Cimmaron,
New Mexico. His tribe buried him in good
Indian style, killing his horses SO that he would
have something to ride in the happy hunting
:groands They would have killed his widow,
but as she was old and ugly they came to the
conclusion that if he could not find younger
ard pretter one is his new home, he had better
go It alone.
Major Pitcairn, British officer at Concord
and Lexington a joker-mayhap saucy
one. Among the relics of the old Christ church
at Boston is an ancient singing book, on the fly
leaf of which is written :-'' Major Pitcairn
compliments to the head singer, with the re
quest that she will not sing quite so loudly, a
il is impossible for him to sleep"
4 Chinaman, engaged as a servant in a res
taurant, prevailed upon to eat some ic
cream. When he got up from the floor, b
vittles too dam hot. COokee Johns mouth ale
skin off, alice same likee fl clackel Joh
plactice on hot fat-ilOn, may be eat some da
ice cream
If the marriage service could only be so mod
fed and amended as to include the lighting
the morning fires among the other obligation
assumed by the bride, there wouldn't be s
many old bachelors jabbing their fingers wit
.iarning needles and shlvering around in tn
cold.
4 young Oil citizen calls his sweetheart RI
yeHge, because she is sweet.-OH City Derrick
And the young married man on South Hill cal
his mother-in-law Delay, because she is danger
ous--BErLington HatOkeye. And South En-
man calls his wife Fact, because she is a stul
horn thing.-BOStOn Globe. And n fourth wi
.9F a District Attorney calls him Necessity, b.
cause be knows no law.-Nelo Orleans Time
And Cincinnati man calls his coachman Pr
.crastination, because he stole his watch.-Brea
fast Table. A San Francisco wife calls her hu
band Fool, because he rushes in where ange
fear to tread Chronicle.
SOME FACTS ABOUT MoUsTACHEs.-The Da
bury NeIUs says 50 Henry writes to lea
why it is that one side of moustache cuI
more easily than the other He says that Il
right side of his naturally curls upward, VIII
the opposite end of his naturally loops dow
ward. This not natural function of &
moustache. 1t is in the training. If the own
of the moustache is unmarried the curl of {
Inoustache indicates which side of a you
lady he most frequently sits For instance,
on her right side the left hand and arm have
Office of their own to fill, the hand of the rig
arm Is left free to toy with that side of t
moustache, and curling up the end is its favor
pastime. This is reversed il the left side
preferable to him.
As a general thing it will be found tt
Young mems moustaches curl on the right sic
If the wearer is married the curl indicates
which side of the church is his pew If on
right of the church the curl will be on the !
of the mOustache, this position throws
left elbow on the back of the seat, thus bringi
the left hand to his face, when the fingers
turally fall 10 work at once. The reverse occ
If the pew is on the opposite side. Henry
ont fiz infCr fbar Of