Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1878-01-31
Helena, Montana, Thursday, January 81, 1878
No. I I
"A TIME TO LAUGH,

A Capital misunderstanding money.
Not Plain Picture.-A view of the Alps.
Musical Execution.-Hanging upon note
The Young Ladies Question-Is he mar
ried?
A Miners Lamentation. -''Vein vein
give ore.
Difficult Man to Divorce. welded to
his own ideas.
The Most Patient Objects in the Shape of
Humanity.-Statutes.
Why is Palm-Tree like Chronologer?
Because it furnishes dates.
When he doubles his fists.
How to Prevent Your Hair From Turning
Gray.-Make up your mind to dye.
When is Dog Most like Human Being?
when he is between man and boy.
The persons who most frequently visit the
watering places in the Summer are Milkmen.
A poor fellow who was compelled to pawn
his watch said that he ''raised" the money
with lever.
1t may be well to give credit to whom it is
due, but as rule one had better insist on
cash down.
When grown-up people predominant at a
children's party, the assembly is said to be
badly adult-eraled.
Brigham Young's tombstone, it is said, will
bear the simple but appropriate inscription,
''Our Husband"
Jefferson's Idea Of a Lawyer.--A man
whose trade it is to contest everything, con-
cede nothing, and talk by the hour.
"You are as pretty as a picture" is no
longer the correct compliment to pay lady.
Simply say, you remind me of chromo.
''The best way to cure crying child,''
says an advertisement, ''is to buy baby car
riage." That's right; keep the bawl rolling.
A lazy fellow once declared in public CON-
pany that he could not find bread for his fam
lily. Nor l." replied an industrious man;
''Im obliged to work for it.
Rev. Mr.. Murray, when asked Whist the
chariots such as the kings of Judah used
were like, said they resembled modern horse
cars in one respect, ''People rode in them
standing"
The Truth of Figures reason why
Figures can't lie' is plain. When they are
not running and mounting up, their nearest
approach to ouiescence IS in standing ac-
count"
Captain" said son of Erin, as a ship
was nearing the coast in inclement weather,
shave ye almenik on board z "No, we
haven't" ''Then, bejabers, We'll have to
take the weather as it comes"
''Och," said love-sick Hbernian, 'What
q recreation it is to be dying OF love. 1t sets
the heart aching so delicately there's no TAX
ing wink of sleep for the pleasure OF the
pain!"
Some one wrote to Horace Greeley inquir
ing if guano was good to put on potatoes:
He said it might do for those whose taste had
become vitiated with tobacco and rum, but
he preferred gravy and butter.
Sydney Smith said to friend of his who
never agreed with anybody, as he was about
to embark for New leland, "Good-bye, my
dear fellow, hope you won't disagree with
the New Zelander who eats you"
A dear old lady presented her son, on his de-
parture for sea, with Bible. On opening,it
during gale, it fell from his hands, and out
dropped a fine tooth comb and the admonitory
book-mark ''Search daily
Chow dare you say that l never open my
mouth without putting my foot in it?" de-
manded Brown of Jones. Il hope you will
forgive me" replied the latter, ''for, when
said that, had never seen the size OF your
foot
Well matched. The young lady who fan
cied cucumbers grew in slices, has recently
been married to the young gentleman who
sent over to St. Petersburg large cargo of
heartbstones for cleaning the steppes OF
Russia.
A Georgia negro has no more faith in
banks He lays all his money out il clothes
and hair oil, and the news of bank suspen
sion causes him to exclaim, "Bust away vic
We. but you cant hurt these lavender breeches.
Beggar woman-''Please sir, give me
few pennies. haven't tasted food for nigh
onto two days" Philanthropic gentleman
"Can't stop am late now have got to make
a speech at the Society for the Relief of the
Destitute"
An Irishman who had been sick long
time, was one day met by the parish priest.
when the following conversation took place:
swell, Patrick, am glad you are recovered:
Were you not afraid to meet your God 2?
''Oh, no, your reverence! 1t was the other
party that was ateared wv" replied Pat.
GOVERNOR McCREARY, of Kentucky, tells
he story that while serving in the Confeder-