Litchfield enquirer., 1878-09-19
CLIPPINGS.
Not anaiss-A pretty widow.

I1VW 4O SOlVC tl1c RICctb u4J oeCAy Fool with an unloaded gun. A rural inventor has patented padded gate-top to facilitate courtship. / When a man gets bald in Colorado they say l his head has got above the timber line. A western woman has lost two husbands by lightning. She ought to marry conductor.
 From the earliest days New England's l farms have been worked by steanl-ox team, you know. @ A joker challenged a sick mans vote at a city election on the ground that he was an i'll legal voter.
 Why is the darkey in the bushes an aid to bright understanding? Because he is 1 black-in-brush. sA-J *f
 Solilequy by Tippler.-The public always notices when you have been drinking, and l never when you are thirsty.
 Experience is dear teacher, is it? Some how the experienced hen always knows that | the foraging in the next yard is the best, and she never paid cent for the experience either. A celebrated philosopher used to say, '"The favors of fortune are like steep rocks-only eagles and creeping things mount to the sum- init" An honest Hibernian, in company who blamed the clergy .for taking tenth part or the peoples property, exclaimed: 'Ay, they would take twentieth if they could" Nothing betrays the innocence of mems na- ture more than to see one feeling all over hls coat tails to find pocket which is in his coat at home.
 The proper time for girl to marry is after she has counted up her cash and found that she can support herself in case her husband turns politician. An orator who was much in demand in po- litical campaigns, being asked by an admirer the secret of his success replied: "When 1 have facts, l give 'em facts; but when haven't, I yell and saw the air.
 Christine Nilsson lost $40, 900 by the de- cline of Western mortgages. She lost more than that when she declined-well it's all over now, and we write more in sorrow than an- ger.
 It is still an open question, whether the United States has more religions than patent medicines? The religions are probably the more numerous but the medicines keep up the finest cemeteries.
 A good circus clown gets from $100 to $150 a WCGk. anu LIlc DcSt UdTtUdCk TlUCI SCtS PtOO week. This is enough to empty the theo- i logical seminaries, whose graduates expect to work for souls and as much of $500 year as | they can collect Probably at the last, dreadful day, when Gabriel sounds his trump, if he doesn't stop I once or twice between the blasts and shout, | General general :! colonel 1 say !" not more than two-ffths of the men in American cem- eteries will get up.
 "Why does lightning so rarely strike twice in the same placer" Professor Wortman ask 1 ed the new boy in the class in natural philos- ophy. "Huh," said the new boy, Fit never needs" And it is little singular that mo- body had thought of that reason before.
 'What is your thrade?" one of his auditors suddenly asked Kearney. "Me thrade me thrade is it ?" respondedt the astounded "work- ingman," and then, turning appealingly to his secretary, ''Browne, ye born devil ye, fWhat in thunder is me thrade?
 A little four-year old, native and resident of New Jersey, while watching the lightning flashes from his nursery window few even- ings since, during storm. turned to his nurse and remarked that ''God was scratching matches against the sky"
 If a small boy slides down four flights of | SLdlFS OH HIS uCdUs d lIGLlC plCCC LII VIII | generally cure him, but just let his mother wait her old slipper across the base of his | trousers for the space of second and there is not enough balm in Gilead to soothe the agi- 1 tation. ''There are doubtless vacations in which he could be trusted" was the reply. "There's real estate, for example; if that were put in his care I think the owner would find his | property where he left it. l shouldn't care to speak as to any other kind of property" I Charles Dwight, of Wheeling, took down his rife Thursday morning and made thirty nine consecutive bulls eyes at eight hundred yards and Friday morning the Associated Press teIegraphed him all over the country as Professor" Dwight. This is glory.
 A staff commander was inspecting an Eng fish yeomanry regiment on outpost duty. What are you doing here, my man p he asked the vidette. ''Mackin' danged fule of myself, sir" ''How soY' ''Why, should be at hoam carryin hay" His heart was not in that parade.
 | Dr. Johnson was once asked, ''Doctor, don't you think a man involved in trouble | from which he cannot see how he can extri- cate himself would be justified in making way with himself by taking his own life ?" "No," said the doctor, '1et him go to some country where he is not known; not to the devil, where he is known"
 A certain breadth of statement is permissi- ble in one whe secs things through magnifying drops of grief but the man must have had a previous habit of conscious eXaggeration who | relates that when his powder mill blew up the mortgage on it came down uninjured in a corn field and had to be paid, while the insurance, falling into the sea, was lost.
 A Clergyman who had just performed wedding ceremony and was filling out blank descriptive of the parties asked the husband | what his business waS '1 am a wine mer- chant and shoemaker" was the reply. "Yes," chimed in the bride, ''so you can just Set him down as sherry cobbler."
 An M. D., who lately opened an office was favored by visi from his young wire. Wish ing to start an interesting subject for conver- sation, be said "My dear, how many people do you suppose pass by my office in the office of an hour ?" ..1 should judge they all passed by," nonchantly exclaimed the wife
 A young man who appeared at Deadwood last week in a pair of white pants was prompt ly escorted out of town. ''We can stand bll- ed shirt, you know," a miner explained ''but when it comes to wearin' billed drawers, we just make them git up and git."
 And SO you've returned from Europe. | Now tell us how much did you see :? oh ! we took in lot of old castles,
 And trotted about in Paree.
 We saw all the things in the guide books,
 Did the classical dodge while in Rome,
 And between you and me aud the bedpost,
 We are laundering glad to get home.
 Smoking in Holland" said traveller, 'is so common that it is impossible to tell one per- son from another in a room full of smokers. '' "How is any one who happens to be wanted picked out, then ?" said listener ''Oh, in that case waiter goes round with pair of bellows and blows the smoke from before each
 face till he recognizes the person called for
 Fact, gentlemen"
 ass @ ssa@ l-~ sTss The WooDBURY, Fair is held on the 1stl
 and 18th inst, this year.-The Woodbury ) brass band are to have their fifth annual ball
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