The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1878-09-20


Like the nine Muses.. How awfully jolly"
"Now, your Majesty" said the scientist, who
had been commanded to conduct q series of
experiments before royalty, "these two gases
will have the honor of combining before your
Majesty"
"Hello, what are you doing now?"
"Editing comic newspaper. Permanent
thing; Got to be witty for the rest Of my life,
IN other words, you've had sentence of
death passed on you."
"Yes, sir" said the exasperated gentleman,
II will go and find him. 1 will upbraid him
with his treachery, and then, looking him stern
y in the eye, will kick the seat Of his panta-
looms out through the crown of his hat"
Dihcolt but not impossible, remembering
how Mentgomery's bleeding warrior lay prone
on his breast and glared at the skies.
man who had long been in populous cities
pent, having occasion to visit the country, en-
countered flock of those birds widely known
in connection with tailors and apple sauce,
WELL, said the citizen, having noticed the
peculiarly stupid way in which they gabbled
called you geese!'
The Little Paal, aged eight, passes che day at
his uncle's. At the dessert they serve the tart
to the cream.
"Ah, my uncle" says the child, "why didn't
You tell me this morning that there was going
to .tsySe5,' be pie for dinner9"
$50 that could have expected it all day."
replies the infant, passing his tongue around
his ears.
A Brazilian Count, q billionaire, was dining
at the table Ghote Of fashionable hotel His
outlet was to his taste, and he ordered anoth-
er.
"We only give Que outlet" said the manager
sand no bread with one fish-ball."
Without word the Count rose, went out,
bought the hotel, returned, led the manager to
the front door and kicked him down the steps,
then rese ating himself at the table said:
Bring me another outlet"
the air.
"Madam, know all''
The miserable woman not knowing how
much he did know, concluded that 1t would be
wise to grovel at his feet.
| With the grace of King Henry, from whom.
| indeed, he borrowed the words, her husband
said with dignity:
"Rise, madam; were any one to see rs he
would think that L was forgiving you for some
offense-"
And after pause he continued:
when in point of fact, don't forgive you
at allp'
At the annual award Of the prizes at the
village school the worthy Mayor calls up
blue-eyed and golden-haired young girl with
the air of startled fsw D, to receive the prize
for good behavior and French composition.
"Why, my child" he says, "what's the mat
ter with your nose? It's scratched
YES, sir" replies the bsshful girl; that red
headed, moou-eyed leper, Lizzie x, tried to
smash my nose, but bit her ear; you bet your
carpet slippers on it. That is the sort of hair
pin am"
commissaire de police, meeting woman In
tears, demanded of her the cause of her sorrow,
and was informed that her husband had beaten
her.
"See here" said the officer to the husband
'ff you 60 on doing this sort of thing I'll have
to run you in.' (N me faudra uous comir de-
dans.l
"What for?" growled the husband. "Hit-
ting her? didn't hit her; 1 Just struck her
up
.Yes." said the wife, ''but you don't say that
1t has thumb on i"
The commander Of the Faithful was about
to uniform his hosts, and a gigantic contract
for cloth was ahead.
contractor presented himself to the Min
lister of War, prepared to make his tender
''How much yard?" said the Minister, soft
ly rubbing his fingers and thumb together.
"By the beard of Allahp' said the contractor
who was short-sighted, $50 liras delivered o.
b., and may goats defile my grandmothers
grave if make more than five liras profit
yard" N-.
"Come again Tomorrow" said the Minister
OF War, rather curtly, as the second contractor
presented himself.
What do you charge yard?"
by the Thirty-nine Imaums, 40 liras, which
leaves me Is liras yard profit.''
"A.ah," said the official, Frightening nm.
"God is great just wait minute till see the
other slave. How much do you want for your
cloth, eh?'
Sovereign lord" replied the third contract
or falling upon his face while wink shot over
his left eye, the slave of thy footstool has some
cloth all wool and warranted not to shrink,
which will lay upon the altar of my country
for so liras yard"
"And the profit thereupon," said the official
in voice choked with emotion, "is''-
"Is rs liras yard"
20 my soul, D my lamb" replied the Minis
ter, the contract is thine" And clapping his
hands he bade the Nubian slave who appeared
20 bid his bekbekrs begin carting sand for his
new palace