Connecticut western news., 1878-04-25
WIT AND WISDOM.

Motto for beautiful woman asleep Handsome is as handsome doze.
 What is the only pane of which every one makes light? A window-pane.
 -Flattery sits in the parlor, while plain dealing is knocked out of doors.
 Time is money; of course it is, or how could you "spend an evening ?"
 Fame is like an eel-rather hard to catch and great deal harder to hold.
 A woman's friendship is, as a rule, the legacy of love or the aims of indif- ference.
 In matters of the heart it is usually the fear of insolvency that leads to bank ruptcy.
 | A bad marriage is like an electric machine-it makes you dance, but you can't let go.
 In purchasing an umbrella always select blue ribbed one, as it is the blue ribbons that will keep you dry. r Every living thing was put into this world for some good even the crow was not made without CaWS. The doctor and nervous man Will never have two oreeds; For the former needs his patients, And the latter patience needs.
 Everybody likes @ hot steak, but when it comes up, covered with cinders, you can justly complain of 1t as coaled meat. ..H"
 A good deal of abuse is being show cred upon the dollar, but it will never get lonesome for the want of frlends-- buzzard or no buzzard.
 The Oil City Derrick says that very few girls can spank pepper-box as it should be spanked, and yet they wantto get married and raise families.
 -Stubbs says there is ore time when man is delighted to be addressed with "you're another !" and that is when . dinner is given to members of the press "and others"
 Breakfdst Table, that since tho custom has been inaugurated among village newspapers of publishing cuts of crimi- nals about to be executed, the ratio of crime has largely decreased, The Jack knife is mightier than the gallows.
 -" What" asked Professor Miller of the smart bad boy in the history class, "what dld the Pilgrim fathers first do after landing at Plymouth Rockg "Iicked haokman, replied the smart bad boy, who went to Niagara Falls with his parents last vacation.
 A Board of Supervisors in western county lately resolved, first, to builda new court house second, that the ma terials of the old court house should be used in building the new, and then, third, that they would occupy the old court house until the new one was ready.
 A man who lost his good character some time ago was severely hauled over by some of his former friends. "Iknow it, boys, I know my characters gone, lost entirely. And," he added rather pointedly, "it's too confounded bad, for it was the only ore in the place worth saving"
 Brown tried to quarrel with his mother-in-law the other evening. He married the eldest of seven girls. Said she, "Brown, my boy, I'm not going to ruin my reputation by quarrelling with you. Wait till all the girls are married. At present, as a mother-in-law, I'm only an amateur.
 A youngster made drawing of team and wagon piled with boxes. He showed his work to his mother, who asked him what it represented. "Itisa man peddling apples" said the boy. But where is the man ?" "Gone to a house up the hill to see if they want any apples" said the boy.
 The precedence of coming trouble is never more acute than in childhood's sunny hours. When the father abruptly says "John, pull off that coat-it's too warm for you," the boy is generally right when he believes he will soon find moro warmth in his shirt sleeves than he could on the inside of an overcoat as thick as plank board.
 Soon the time will arrive when the ambitious housewife will inaugurate e thorough system of house cleaning. Then, while the tired paternal is eating his frugal repast from of barrel in the shed or on the back stoop, his better nine-tenths and assistants, with mop, broom, etc., will be producing new and unique specimens of spatter and fret work.
 About this time person not fond of the embraces of ardent insects should keep away from Florida. A big gray mosquito stands the watch and @ big black fellow relieves him at sundown. They cut right through an ordinary mos quito bar as if it were piece of oobweb, and take piece out every tune they bite as big as toothpick. They hunt the human family in detachments of couple of thousand.
 A Canadian youth, who was married the other day, had not money enough to pay the minister, but at night charivari party came about the house, and his thrifty father-in. law quietly went among the noisy ones, ascertained who they were. and by threats of prosecution ex- tortsd money enough from them not only to give the clergyman Q handsome fee but to supply the bride with liberal