The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1878-07-25
That Awful Photograph.


be devoted are manifold and surrris-
ing.
Mrs. Carmeen need no longer sit up un-
til midnight for late husband-that
is, late coming home She can now speak
her lecture in the diaphragm of the ph"n-
ograph, attach one end OF cord t. the
crank and the other end to the knob OF
her chamber door, and retire to her doNny
couch, with the sweet and comforting as
surance of having spoken her mind"
where it will do the most good. Carmean
will come sneaking in at A. NJ, as usual,
and creep stealthily up stairs, but no soon
er does he open bis bedroom door than
that awful photograph will up and tell
him in his wife's we'll known voice, what
she thinks of "such conduct as this"
winding up with the stern command:
snow, come to bed, you old fool, and
don't sit there blinking like a sick OWL"
And all the time this performance is in
PROCESS, Mrs. Carmeen may be revelins in
sweet dreams, in which spring b'nnets
and the latest lovely thing in polonai Sc
predominate.
The photograph is also capable If
playing some pretty shabby tricks, ana if
Deacon Peppers could have laid his
hands on the inventor, few nights ago,
he would probably have torn him into
two thousand frsgments-more or less.
The Desoon is-or rather was-a good
man and lass-leader in the Brownsville
Church. fle visited New York recently
and wandered into an establishment
where several monographs were on eXhi-
biton ard for sale. He became much in
terested in the instrument; and when he
spoke into the mouth-piece of one Of the
machines, and heard his own words
ground out with startling distinctness, he
manifested his establishment in one pro-
longed Nv -h-e-w"
Then happy thought struck him. He
usually made brief address at class
meetings on Friday evenings, and he sud
denly conceived the idea of speaking his
piece in the phonograph, purchasing the
invention, and surprising the brethren and
sisters a. the next meeting. The idea
was carried into eXecutien-to some ex-
tent. The Deacon charged the phono-
graph with an appropriate address, and
whilst he was bargaining with the owner
for the instrument, in another part OF the
room, rough, bushy- WHISPERED individ-
ual attired in corduroy pantaloons, and
speckled shirt, slipped in unobserved
and howled lot of stuff into the same
machine. The Deacon paid for and car
ried off the photograph, entirely igno-
rant of the frightful sentences injected
into it by the rough person, who, as sub
sequent events proved, was the intellect
ual driver of mule-team, and not very
choice in his language.
The next day was Friday, and in the
evening the Deacon marched into the
church with his photograph under his
arm, and his face illuminated with ra-
diant smile.
my friends" he commenced, II have
little surprise for you. do not intend
to address you this evening. l have
brought a substitute TO speak for me.
This little instrument have here (hold-
ing up tue monograph will now address
you briefly on your duty to the church
and suffering humanity"
Then the Deacon, with smile extend
ing from ear to ear, gave the crank a
couple of turns, and all the color faded
from his face as the photograph thun-
dered forth:
Git up there you dashed old cripple
Whoa, Sal you blind"
1t was awful.
The hair of the brothers in the front
pews stood straight up, sister in the
back art of the house tainted dead away,
and We sexton yelled fire
'Iuere-is -some-terrible 49, mistake
here gasped the Deacon, after few
minutes OF painful silence. Il must
have turned the crank the wrong way
or maybe the Inch pin is loose, or the
safety-val9e has lost a screw. Or some
thing" And, perspirng at every pore,
the Deacon essayed another turn, and the
machine yelled:
Gee, Bill Where in the destination
are you going, you son of a mule Ped
di-whoa-a a Blast your eyes, can't
you"
The awfuness became more awful.
Three more sisters tainted, several
brothers clapped their hats on their heads
and their fingers into their ears, and start
ed for the door shouting "police." and
the sexton hallooed murder" while the
Deacon wildly clutched the phonograph
by the neck and choked it until it was
black in the face, and its eyes bulged out
inch.
But twas no use. The internal ar
engagements of the machine were evident
ly demoralized, and the cylinder contin-
ued to revolve, grinding out the most
frightful language ever heard outside Of
political ward convention; ana when
the audience were saluted with "Ill
knock your dashed brains out, you long
cared" they didn't wait for the remainder
of tha saddress - hut not nm as opa ~, q "