The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1878-05-11
NUMBER A.
PASSING SMILES.

NO man who doesnt take his rations
regularly (when he can get them) can be
called rational being.
No weight was used in hanging by
Texas mob, for the reason that man
was suspended by moose at each end of
the rope.
TINS ISIS great country. When ship
is launched Congress adjourns, and when
man takes a drink in Virginia they
ring bell.
THERE is a man only twenty-five years
of age who has already married fourteen
women. He is a clergyman, and mar
ried them to their husbands.
IT is calculated that if all the insects
in the world were piled in one mass, tho
heap would be greater than that of all
the combined beasts and birds.
A PERSON being asked why he had
given his daughter in marriage to man
with whom he was at enmity, answered:
81 did it out of pure revenge"
LIVE in Julia's eyes," said an af-
fected dandy in Coleman's hearing.
Very likely" replied George, she
had sty in them when saw her last"
The Profits of Farming" is the title
of an article going the rounds Of the
papers. 1t probably alludes to the
prophets who always lay out a poor
potato and peach crop as soon as spring
opens.
A CORRESPONDENT of the New York
Star says that Vice-President Wheeler
never SMILES" Rather an outre habit,
and very Objectionable among Washing
ton politicians, no doubt, who smile a
little too often.
MEN, instead of women, will be en-
ployed in the dining-room Of Stewards
hotel for women, on the ground that
women do not like to wait on each other,
and will not take orders with as much
PHILOSOPHY "s men.
THE editor Of a country newspaper in
this State in its latest issue expresses his
opinion of a rival, and says, I'VE
hope we shall not be called upon
again to crush the crawling mass of
poisonous vituperation."
LAST week man was arrested in
New York for stealing newspapers. He
had stolen, in thirteen months, eleven
thousand newspapers, and his room
looked like the humorous column of
st. Louis Ha,ckeye.
A RESIDENT of Waterbury, Conn.,,
bought a neighbours dog because it
howled, and killed him. The neighbor
dug up the body, got one dollar bounty
for it, and then bought another dog.
Then the first man howled.
MUSCULAR Bapiists much wanted in
IL. 49,
mersing three or four dozen able-bodied
converted colored ladies and gentleman
per day, the most accomplished clerical
athlete is apt to give in.-N r. Com.
Adyertiser.
A LAWRENCE Mass lawyer recently
drew up will for an elderly and quite
portly gentleman, which contained the
following clause: "And further give
and bequeath to my wife all my house.
hold effects and all her wearing apparel
for her own use."
AN influential Minnesota man writes
to the Baptist Weekly, suggesting that
one or two hundred of the unemployed
ministers in the East go West, and add
ing, IF any should be SO unfortunate
as to starve to death, I'll agree to pay
funeral expenses myself"
A BARRIsTER gave this "reminiscences
in an after dinner speech. When l
began to practice was in perfect rags;
the smallest hole in my shirt was the
one stuck my head through, and had
to have that, my only shirt, washed by
the dozen, for it was in twelve pieces"
The eccentric genius who delights in
statistics says every man eats on an
average eight bushels Of wheat in the
course of year. We could point out
men who consume at least twenty-five
bushels of cora in the same time, but
they don't take the trouble to chew it,
Breakfast Table.
SHE never told her love, but she
roped him in for ton of ice-cream, all
the same, and as much candy as two
sugar re fneries could turn outin year,
and now he says if any worm in tho
bud is going to pray on her damask
cheek, it would be advisable to let the
contract out to sea-serpent, and then bet
on the cheek.
Mr.. .LABoUCHERE declares that he re-
Gently went to church, and that being
there he was edited by an eccentric ex-
hibition of pronunciation, The we'll
known text. "He that hath ears to
hear, let him hear" was SO effectually
disguised by Ritualistic "priest" as
to sound something like, He that
hath yaws to yaw, let him yaw."
ALL FOR NAUGHT.--[FRoM THE GERMAN OF
HEINE.]
When Spring is come with the sunshine bright.
With bud and blossom each foweret speaks;
The moon in her path OF glory sweeps,
rha efa ceuir Flor In Wa of LIGHT.
When the singer see two dear eyes glow,
From the depths Of his heart, his songs outflow;
But songs, and stars, and fragrant flowers,
And chances, and moonlight, and sunny hours;
Much as these may for the time delight,
They count but naught in life's long night
= Translated By s. H. Collins.
PRINCES MARY of Teck is SO patriot
ically warlike that she is called the
"Queen of Jingoes." The other day
the English Premier was dining with
her Royal Highness. "You have" she
said, "the Queen with you, Parliament
and the country, what more do you
want?" Lord Beaconsield glanced at
his plate, and solemnly replied, Pota-
toes, ma'amY
A CANADIAN youth, who was mar
ried the other day, had not money
enough to pay the minister, but at night
a charivari party came about the house,
and his thrifty father-in-law quietly
went among the noisy ones, ascertained
who they were, and by threats OF pros
ecution extorted money enough from
them not only to give the clergyman
handsome fee. but to supply the bride