, 1878-07-11
That Awful Phonograph.

ing. -
Mrs, Carmeen need no longer sit up un.
iii midnight for late husbAnd-that
is, late coming home. She can no" speak
her lecture in the diaphragm OF the ph"n-
crrsph. attach one end ot Il cord to the
crank ard the other end to the knob ot
her chamber door, and retire to her doNny
couch. with the sweet AMI comturtLg AS
surance of having spoken her mind
where it will do the most good. CArmeen
will come sneaking in at A. NJ, as usual,
and creep stealthily up stairs, but nosoon-
or does he open his bedroom door th"n
that awful phonograph will up and tell
him in his witcs "ell.known voice, what
she thinks of "such conduct as this
winding up with the stern command !;
SNOW. come to bed, you old fool, aud
don't sit there blinking like a sick owl! y
And all the time this performance is in
PROCESS Mrs. Carmeen may be reveiing in
sweet dreams, in which spring bonnets
and the latest lovely thing in pol"nai 'e
predominate.
The phonograph is also capable If
playing some pretty shabby tricks, and II
Deacon Peppers could have laid his
hands on the inventor, few nights ago,
he would probably have torn him into
two thousand fragments or less.
The Deanon is-or rather was-a good
man and lass leader in the Brownsville
Church. de visited New York recently
aad wandered into an establishment
where several monographs were on exhi-
bition and for sale. He became much in
tcrested in the instrument; and when he
spoke into the mouth-pieCe of one Of the
machines, and heard his own words
ground out with startling distinctness, he
manifested his astonishment in one pro.
longed "W.h.e.wH"
Then happy thought struck him. lie
usually made brief address at class
meetings ON Friday evenings, and he sud-
denly conceived the idea of speaking his
piece in the phonograph, purchasing the
invention, and surprising the brethren and
sisters a. the next meeting. The idea
was carried into execution-to some ex-
tent. The Deacon charged the phono.
graph with an appropriate address, and
whilst he was bargaining with the owner
for the instrument, in another part of the
room, rough, bushy-whiskered individ-
ual, attired in corduroy pantaloons, and
q speckled shirt, slipped in unobserved
and howled lot of stuff into the same
machine. The Deacon paid for and car
ried off the phonograph, entirely igno-
rant of the frightful sentences injected
into it by the rough person, who, as sub
sequent events proved, was the intellect
ual driver of mule-team, and not very
choice in his language.
The next day was Friday, and in the
evening the Deacon marched into the
church with his phonograph under his
arm, and his face illuminated with ra-
diant smile.
"My friends" he commenced, ~ have
little surprise for you. do not intend
to address you this evening. have
brought substitute to speak for me.
This little instrument have here (hold-
ing up the photography will now address
you briefly on your duty to the church
and suffering humanity"
Then the Deacon, with smile extend
ing from ear to ear, gave the crank n
couple of turns, and all the color faded
from bis face as the phonograph thun-
dered forth:
"Git up there you dashed old cripple
Whoa, Sal F! you blind"
1t was awful.
The hair of the brothers in the front
pews stood straight up, sister in the
back art Of the house tainted dead away,
ami 'hr sexton yelled "fire!'
'Tuere-is-some--terribe - mistake
here" gasped the Deacon, after a few
minutes Of painful silence. II must
have turned the crank the wrong way
or maybe the linch-pin is loose, or the
safety-valve has lost a screw, or some
thing" And, perspiripg at every pore,
the Deacon essayed another turn, and the
machine yelled:
"Gee, Bill! Where In the destination
are you going, you son of mule! Ped
di-whoa-a al Blast your eyes, can't
you"
The awfulness became more awful.
Three more sisters tainted, several
oiotuSio SloPPOu luelI uhtS Oh tDelT neauS
and their fingers into their ears, and start
ed for the door shouting "policel" and
the sexton hallooed murder" while the
Deacon wildly clutched the phonograph
by the neck and choked it until it was
black in the face, and its eyes bulged out
u inch.
But twas no use. The internal ar
rangements of the machine were evident
ly demoralized, and the cylinder contin-
ued to revolve, grinding out the most
frightful language ever heard outside of
political ward convention; and when
the audience were saluted with "Ill
knock your dashed brains out, you long
cared" they didn't wait for the remainder
Of the "address," but got up as one man
and one woman-and made dash for
the door in decidedly panic stricken
manner. The old deacon, with his face
the color of smallpox flag, threw the
phonograph over the pulpit, sprang after
1t, and kicked it down the aisle into the
street, where the sexton smashed it with
an axe, just as the Deacons address be-
gan to issue from its mouthpiece, and
then placed it under the hydrant and let