The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1878-01-17

/ Inc people IN town IN Iowa wanted
Touring mill, and finally they got it
And they are how very anxious to have
bank established, so that they can bor-
row money to buy flour.
A little Florida boy taught an alligator
to come to the shore and take food out
Of his hand. 1t became so fond Of the
boy that one morning it took the food
and the little Florida boy too.
Mrs. ChiefJustice Waite Is reported ms
saying, when she heard that the planet
Mars has three moons Think Of the
young people living in planet whore
there is no shady side Of the street al
night"
Out at Austin, Nevada. a young mar
asked his lady love if she would recon
pany him to an old folks concert. She
flared up at the idea of his calling heg
'old folks" and now he says he would
rather be a widower than marry a woman
so "touchy" about her age
Judge Jere Black not only chcws plug
tobacco, but he is in the habit Of splitting
all around him and caring not whom he
hits. When he is out calling and wants
to be real nice" he takes his hat along
and spits in that.
"Where are the friends of my youth r.
sang a wretched vocalist at a Boston con-
cert. As he came off the stage into the
green room the manager remarked to
him. 1T is very evident they are not
here; | will give you the rest of the sea.
son in which to go and look them up"
Robinson went up 10 his room the
other afternoon, and noticed that there
was only one match remaining in the
box. Now, if that shouldn't burn to-
night when ! come in" soliloquized he
what a fix / should be in" So he tried
to see if it was a good one. 1t was.
He wore look Of demoniac cowardice.
81 was local editor of country paper,
and one day in writing up procession ;
gave one brass band seventeen more
words Of praise than another. had TO
murder six musicians before / could get
out of that town"
An Elko Chinaman went home intoxi-
Gated, and was met at the door by his
wife, who clubbed him numerically A
passer by remarked: John your wife
heap fight" Yes" be replied, "she too
muchee sabee. She live long side Nell
can woman tlee month"
When the French Academy was revis-
ing the Dictionary, some of the members
consulted the learned naturalist Cuyier,
as to the proper definition of "Crab,
which they had set down as "a small red
| fish, which walks backward Gentle
men" said Cuvier "it is not red, it is not
fish, and it does not walk backward.
With these exceptions, your definition is
perfectp'
A man out in Western Iowa has Just
been sentenced to the penitentiary for
ninety-nine years. He thinks it the
| longest sentence on record since Mr.
Evarts lost his breath.
There are beautiful warm soda springs
in Colorado, and people who 60 bathing
in them at once exclaim "Oh, but this
is soda licious y
Professor, deeply interested in his sub
iect: Just here | will make remark
that, if you take the trouble to inquire,
/ you will find ninety-nine out Of han
/ drcd hold this opinion. Yes, | was about
to say ninety-nine hundred out OF a
thousand.
A young man hired as clerk was told
| by his employer that all tho clerks slept
Mt the house and that it was closed
punctually at ten every night. "Oh :
don't apologies" said the youth u don t
care what time it's closed, II its only
opened early enough in the morning"
The professor, addressing with tri.
umphant air his audience at the end of
the lecture, exclaimed 1T seems to me
that a demonstration like that is worth
something" Lets Git eout," said an
economical back woodsman to his son
They air gwine to take up collection.
A man who was trying to sell rather a
dismal residence boosted that it COM
manded view of the railway station.
But that doesn't make it any more
pleasant" said the party who was ex-
pected to purchase it. "Oh yes, it does, p
replied the owner, confidently "It
makes it gay here. You can stand on
this stoop and see everybody that misses
the train"
When young man from Harvard is
asked If he will always love her thus, he
does not answer: Will a duck swim 2
Science has taken the place Of poetry,
and he replies "Will evolution from the
unconditional, working in protoplasm by
secretion and absorption, produce the
| organic cell p Then he inquiries Ian
guidly if there are any cold beans about
the house.
Two men met on the piazza Of a hotel
at Lincoln, Neb. One claimed that Ne.
braska was all good country, or should
be. "All it lacks, said he, "is good so.
ciety and water" Said the other That
is all that Tophet lacks"
The color Of a girls hair is regulated
by the length of her fathers pocket book
If the latter be plethoric, the girls tresses
are golden or auburn; If the old mans
wallet be lean we hear the daughter spo-
ken Of as that red headed gal" You
never saw a rich girl with red hair
"What time is it ?" inquired a young
Newark small boy whose father had set
him to work shovellng coal at six o'clock
in the morning Its nine, answered
the passer-by. WHAT exclaimed the
small boy, only miner Why, blame it,
| If I'd been goin' round gatherin' in bar.
rels for bonfire it would have been noon
long agoP
man anxious to protect himself from
the frequent and annoying visits of trav-
cling agents, has put fire insurance
plate over the door of his house, a sew
ing machine in the window, a patent
washing machine on the porch, a patent
hat-rack in the hail. and a lightuing-rod
on the roof. But he was outwitted, for
each of the agents said that be had an
improvement on the old ones.
While a Judge was holding court at
Van Vert, o., few days ago, a mouse
took advantage OF his preoccupation and
climbed up inside Of his pantaloons The
attorneys and attendants became aware
OF the situation when the Judge sudden
ly gave jump, clapped his hands to his
leg and stamped on the floor. The Sher-