The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1878-07-11
A Fancy Farmer.

ndnu ndII al nOuT LOO SOOu, having DccH
misled by clock WHICH was considera-
bly, fast. Not knowing better way to
pass the time until my friend should
arrive, | sat down on one of the settees,
threw my head back, inhaled the briny
breezes, and was enjoying sort of dolce
far niente circus generally, when
stranger walked up and took seat be-
side me.
He wore a soft hat and pleasant
smile, together with the usual habili-
ments.
His coat was buttoned up to his neck
in a manner indicating the fact that he
was either suffering from bronchitis or
had no shirt.
He had sort of Yellow Jack look
about him, and thought it advisable to
get out of his way. Before I could do
this he said:
Lovely weather this, eh?'
Yes, rather" I replied, indiffer-
emily. -.f -
go, what weather this is for farm
ingT
"I know nothing whatever of farm
40, you don't, eh?' he murmured,
with a triumphant smile; "well you
can bet your life l understand it from
beginning to end. Yes, used to be the
boss on farming. Why used to get
up ideas that almost set the world de-
ranged"
There was something SO marvellous
about the mans manner of making
simple statements, that (although he
looked as though he might have the yell
low fever in his clothes, as I remarked
before), I determined to risk my life to
hear his story.
You see," he went on, "when l was
quite young there was considerable
rivalry in the milk business around the
place where was brought up, and, as
there was quite crowd of rich city peo-
pie spending the summer in the neigh
borhood, there was a good chance to
make money on cow juice.
Somehow or other there was report
circulated that all the milk and butter
purchased in the place was strongly
favored with wild onions. Says I, PHI
make my mark now;' so put my little
idea into execution. 1 was successful
you bet, I got all sorts of pufs, 'ads,
encomiums, ETC., till | couldn't rest. /
| made money, too. You just ought to
have tasted one of those milk punches
you talk about your boss elixirs. Whoa,
Jimmyw
Seeing that he was completely carried
| away with himself, assured him that
believed every word he said (Which was
lie), and l should only be too happy to
listen to any other "reminiscences he
might have to relate.
| This refreshed him SO much that he
completely forgot the COWS, land branched
off as follows:
81 once thought that could make ar
independent fortune if I could only gel
up little racket to raise fresh vegeta
bles of all kindsin midwinter. knew
that rich people would pay big priee'
for any thing of the kind, SO I set t.
work in good earnest TO ascertain if
could bring my hopes into blossom"
His metaphor was amusing.
"You see, selected a good-sized patel
behind the house, and about two fee
beneath the surface | laid large iro1
pipes about foot apart. A short dis
tance away had huge furnace built
and hired fireman to keep it in full
blast all the time.
"The steam from this furnace passed
the pipes and produced the necessar.
amount of heat to counteract the effect
of the cold; and the beauty of tn,
thing was that it made the things grow
quick. You could see the seeds burs
like percussion caps.
"Why, used To raise several crops il
one winter. As soon as I'd get the thin,
going the maple trees would commenc
! to give sylup, and buds would burst al
around. I tell you I Just made thing
howl, and don't you forget itp
For the purpose of seeing how far h
would carry the thing, I interrupte'
him by saying:
"You said the vegetables develope'
very rapidly"
"Rapidly he responded, with con
) temptuous chuckle, "well, [ think the,
did; why, the carrots and turnips grey
! so fast under the influence of that steam
that after they made their appearance
above the ground used to be compelle
to lay planks with weights on them owe
. the rows to keep them from jumpin
, into the air.
| Remarkablew
| Gone day." he continued, withou
] noticing my interruption, "my grane
, mother went out to look at things, an
e through her clumsiness she kicked
plank off the last turnip in the row, an
before she knew what was the matter,
!. flew up and almost knocked the braiI
= out of her."
: I thought it about time to get ava
. from this amateur Ananias, but /
/ anticipated me, and said:
"Those were only boyish frivolitie
. Just wait till I tell you about the tin
n when grated wings into pigs, and hs
h them flying around the house lii
k pigeonsP o., -
come by his utter serenity of count
# nance, for he appeard to be in des
# earnest.
It "Never mind, then," he went o.
/ CPL leave the pigs until the last, al
,s tell you how I found perpetual motto
e You see, old Dobbin died; and '
,r didn't know what to do, because we we
e. greatly in need of horseaesh to DIR
d stone. We were completely puzzl
= at first, but soon fixed things.
to "I got piece of loadstone heavi
as than the wagon and fixed it on the pol
i then I screwed huge bar of steel
10 the axle-tree. no more than did Il
~ than the loadstone commenced to dra
70 and as it was heavier than the wage
as and the steel wouldn't give. of course
ID hauled it right along.
ne "The day tried the experiment
Mt wagon was empty, with the exception
ID myself. It increased in speed eve
sd moment, and went so fast that I'v
as afraid to jump off Finally it attain
n such velocity that 1 couldn't see
he trees. ! don't know how far l went,
iii how many persons I ran over, but af
N. l had been travelling about five minu
nj the old thing ran into stone church a
h. almost killed me. / was three hundl
an miles from home"
tv At this moment my friend arrlv
y and left the agriculturist. He seen
disconsolate as bade him adieu; bu
ed felt happy at being delivered from
ON ON ordeal Of listening to the big st,
NO NO which he promised to tell, and only
IS gretted that when he collided with
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