The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1878-05-02
PASSING SMILES.

A DUTCHMAN repeated the adage,
" Birds NIT one feather goes NIT denl-
selves"
No man who doesn't take his rations
(when he can get them) can be
called rational being.
No weight was used in hanging by a
Texas mob, for the reason that a man
was suspended by a moose at each end of
the rope.
THIS is great country. When a ship
is launched Congress adjourns, and when
a man takes drink in Virginia they
ring a bell.
THERE is a man only twenty-five years
of age who has already married fourteen
women. He is clergyman, and mar
ried them to their husbands.
IT is calculated that if all the insects
in the world were piled in one mass, the
heap would be greater than that of all
the combined beasts and birds.
A PERSON being asked why he had
given his daughter in marriage to man
with whom he was at enmity, answered:
I did it out of pure revenge"
"I LIVE in Julia's eyes," said an af-
fected dandy in Coleman's hearing.
/" Very likely" replied George, she
had sty in them when saw her last"
The "Profts of Farming is the title
of an article going the rounds of the
papers. 1t probably alludes to the
prophets who always lay out a poor
potato and peach crop as soon as spring
opens.
MEN, instead of women, will be en-
ployed in the dining-room of Stewards
hotel for women, on the ground that
women do not like to wait on each other,
and will not take orders with as much
philosophy as men.
The editor of country newspaper in
this State in its latest issue expresses his
opinion of a rival, and says: "We
hope we shall not be called upon
again to crush the crawling mass of
poisonous vituperation."
LAST week a man was arrested in
New York for stealing newspapers. He
had stolen, in thirteen months, eleven
thousand newspapers, and his room
looked like the humorous column of a
st. Louis paper.-Hackeye.
A RESIDENT of Waterbury, Conn,
bought a neighbor's dog because it
how1ed, and killed him. The neighbor
dug up the body, got one dollar bounty
for it, and then bought another dog.
Then the first man howled.
MUSCULAR Baptists much wanted in
Richmond, Va. When it comes to inn
mersing three or four dozen able bodied
converted colored ladies and gentleman
per day, the most accomplished clerical
athlete is apt to give in.-N Y. Com.
Advertiser.
A LAWRENCE Mass. lawyer recently
drew up will for an elderly and quite
portly gentleman, which contained the
following clause: "And further give
and bequeath to my wife all my house
hold effects and all her wearing apparel
for her own use"
AN influential Minnesota man writes
to the Baptist Weekly, suggesting that
one or two hundred of the unemployed
ministers in the East 60 West, and add
ing, eff any should be SO unfortunate
as to starve to death, Fll agree to pay
funeral expenses myself"
A BARRIsTER gave this "reminiscences
in an after dinner speech: When I
began to practice was in perfect rags
the smallest hole in my shirt was the
one I stuck my head through, and had
to have that, my only shirt, washed by
the dozen, for it was in twelve pieces" I"
THE eccentric genius who delights in
statistics says every man eats on an
average eight bushels of wheat in the
course of a year. We could point out
men who consume at least twenty-five
bushels of corn in the same time, but
they don't take the trouble to chew it,
Breakfast Table.
SHE never told her love, but she
roped him in for ton of ice-cream, all
the same, and as much candy as two
sugar refineries could turn out in year,
and now he says if any worm in the
bud is going to pray on her damask
cheek, it would be advisable to let the
contract out to sea-serpent, and then bet
on the cheek.
Mr.. LABoUCHERE declares that he re-
Gently went to church, and that being
there he was edited by an eccentric ex
hibition of pronunciation, The we'll
known text. "He that hath ears tt
hear, let him hear" was SO efectually
disguised by Ritualistic "priest" al
to sound something like, He that
hath yaws to yaw, let him yaw."
ALL FOR RNAUGHT.-[FRoM THE GERMAN OF
HEINE-
When Spring is come with the sunshine bright,
with bud and blossom each foweret speaks;
The moon in her path of glory sweeps,
The stars swim after in waves of light;
When the singer two dear eyes glow,
| From the depths of his heart, his songs outflow ;
) But sepgs, and stars, and fragrant flowers,
And glances, and moonlight, and sunny hours;
, Much as these may for the time delight,
, They count but naught in hfe's long fight
-Translated By s. H. COLLINS.
PRINCESS MARY of Teck is so patriot
: ically warlike that she is called tn
"Queen of Jingoes." The other da,,
the English Premier was dining wit
her Royal Highuess. "You have" sh
, said, "the Queen with you, Parliamen
( and the country, what more do lyo1
want2" Lord Beaconsield glanced a
l his plate, and solemnly replied, Pots
4 toes, ma'am?