Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1878-05-17
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How BEMIs PUT UP A WINDOW CUR
TAIN.-Mrs. Bemis was engaged in the
hopeless task of putting up window cur
tain that had been pulled from its place.
Mr.. Bemis stood near, his face wreathed
in fine expression Of scorn. "There, :" he
finally snorted, ''you might as well git
down. 1 never saw woman that had
any sense, anyhow perhaps you'd bet
ter try it," retorted Mrs. Bemis, with con-
siderable asperity, as she got down from
the chair. s'Well, I'll bet won't be four
hours about it, retorted Mr.. Bemis, as be
grabbed the offending curtain and vaulted
into the chair. ''Don't stand on the cane
seat!'' screamed his wife, warningly. Mr..
Bemis spread his feet, and stretched his
arms up with the curtain. (which end
is which," he inquired, cycling it gloomily.
tsDon't ask me,'' responded his wife; 81
don't know anything about it," Mr..
Bemis looked at the fixtures on the casing,
and at the curtain in his hands. Then he
lifted the last-named article, and endeavor-
ed to insert it in the former 1t didn't fit.
Mr.. Bemis said: ''Hang it ~ perhaps
you'd better turn the other side up sug-
gested his wife. Mr.. Bemis ersed it in
silence. Still he couldn't make it fit.
ssGimme a chair that's good for some
thing!" he calculated fiercely, as he jump
ed to the floor. He savagely pulled
higher chair toward the window. "You'd
better not take that;7' warned his wife;
sit whirls round too easy" ''Don't you
fret retorted Mr.. Bemis. as he climbe d
into it. The chair wobbled painfully.
''Ketch hold, and stiddy it, sung out Mr..
Bemis to his wife.
Mrs. Bemis grasped the back of the
chair, and her husband stretched up with
the curtain, but with no better result. He
gave the article vengeful twitch, which
pulled the chair from his wife's grasp. The
chair spun round suddenly, jerking Mr..
Bemis into the air, and tying him up in
a bow-knot. He whirled rapidly over and
came down in the window garden, rooted
through wilderness of plants, kicked out
four panes of glass, and totally ruined the
curtain. AS he struggled to his feet he
encountered his wife's pleased gaze. IA
woman hasn't any sense she said. in the
soft voice that turneth away wrath. Mr..
Bemis stalked out of the room, the cur
tain clinging to him like curse.-Rock-
land Courier.
WHAT DID WASHINGTON KNOw?.-
We don't like to be irreverent, but we GER
tainly would like to ask, what did our
ferefathers know? What, for instance,
did old George Washington know? He
never saw steamboat; he never saw
fast mail train; he never held his ear to a
telephone; he never sat for picture in a
photograph gallery; he never received a
Geographic dispatch; he never listened to
the s'f1zz'' of an electric pen; he never saw
a pretty girl run a sewing-machine; he
never saw -propelling engine 60 down
the street to fire; he never heard of evo-
luton; he never took laughing-gas; he
never had a set of store teeth; he never
attended an International Exposition; he
never owned a bonanza mine; he never
knew '.Old Prob" he-but why 60 on?
No! when he took an excursion it was on
a flat-boat; when he went off on train it
was mule train; when he wanted TO talk
to man in Milwaukee he had to go there;
when he had his picture taken it was done
in profile with piece of black paper and
a pair of shears; when he got the returns
from back counties they had to be brought
in by a man with an ox-cart; when be
took aim at the enemy he had to trust to
crooked-barre old fint-locks; when he
wrote it was with goose quill; when he
had anything to mend his grandmother
did it with a darning needle; when he
went to fire he stood in line and passed
buckets; when he looked at clam he never
dreamed it was any relation of his; when
he went to concert he heard a cracked
fiddle and an insane clarionet; when he
had a tooth extracted he sat down and
never left off yelling; when he got out Of
teeth he gummed his victuals; when he
wanted an International exposition he sent
for Lafayette, and ordered his friends up
from Old Virginia with the specimens
carefully labeled in bottles; when he once
got hold of a nugget Of gold from an In
dian chief he felt rich; when he wanted to
know anything about the weather he con-
suited the grounding or the goose-bone.
When-but why 60 on? What did such
man know? Who was he, anyway?
The Brooklyn boarder, when he quickly
but calmly extracted long red hair from
the skyward portionIof his bread asked his
fellows to join him in singing, "I'm butter
a stranger hereP'
A German farmer disputed his tax bill.
He said: II pays the State tax, the county
tax. and the school tax but, by tam!
nav no total tax. rs got no total. and
never had any,
When ought mariners to have fruit at
sea? When they stem the currents.
does it follow that man raised on gin |
oer must be gingerbread?
He that can compose himself is wiser
10 ,,,,o,,ncoc hn0ka