Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1878-05-21
FUNNY-GRAPHS

Biting with artificial teeth makes d
false impression.
An honest man is like an under done
steak-Very rare.
Dissolute youths are called "bloods,
because they are living in vein
When young lady hens handker-
chief for rich bachelor, she probably
seaUs that she may reap.
What is the difference between hill
and pill? One is hard to get up, and
the other is hard to get down.
A Wisconsin man reports that he
can't find word in the dictionary, pc
cause the blasted book hasn't got an in
dex."
An Iowa woman put starch into her
husbands beer, thinking it was arsenic.
and was surprised because it didn't stlf-
fen him.
He is the richest man who knows
when he has enough.-EI. Ihen we
are that man-immediGtely after din
ner.-MorristoaUn Herald.
An English scientist says vegetable
diet for six or seven months is sure
cure for intemperance. We knew a
tramp, radish hair and a turnip nose,
who is dead beet all over and cabbages
anything. He don't get meat once a
week and is drunk all the time.
We read of poor boy in New Bed
ford who was washed overheard recent
ly and killed. We cannot warn moth
ers too strongly against washing chill
dren overheard if they would only wash
them at home, with tepid water and
soap and dry them thoroughly after
ward, all danger would be averted.-
Ddrabawy Neoos.
How is this? Professor J. Newberry
charges a dollar admission to a lecture
in which he says he don't know where
men come from. Col. Ingersell, on the
other hand, charges seventy-five cents
admission to a lecture in which he tells
us he dom know where we are going to.
Will some savant have the kindness to
tell us where we are ?-W. Y. Graphic.
"What are we here for" asked Goethe,
''if not to make transitory things last
ing?" Oh, matches poet, that's what
we think and that's what we are trying
to do, but when ia fellow has worn the
same ulster three winters and two sum-
mers, the dawn of its third cycle as a
buster finds its transformers outvoting
it's lastingness eight to seven, and what
is courage, ambition or genius going to
do about it ?-HaWkeye.
The Secretary of the Lime-Kiln Club
read q communication from Samuel
Johnson, of Norfolk, Va, to the effect
that he had dictionary which once be-
longed to George Washington, and that,
being hard up for funds, he would part
with the relic for reasonable consider
alton to some such intellectual society
as the Lime-Kiln Club.
"Gem' len, de Club needn't vote on dat
queshun," replied Brother Gardner.
"When I feels de fack crowdin' ober
me dat we kin no longer handle de biz
ness before us widout de aid of dickshun-
aries, almanaX, an odder works Of fix
shun, den I'll see dat we hev 'em by de
CARLOAD"
"What am de natur' of dat dicksuna-
ry?" asked Henry Canaan Jones.
Its natur' am to sOt down an not
disturb de meetin' ~ was the cutting re-
Spouse, and Henry G. fell back and
muttered
'I'll go gown to de feed-stere an buy
one soon's dis meetin' expires! J"
"What I was gwine to remark, began
Brother Gardner, as the janitor of the
Lime-Kiln Club sounded the triangle
lOI SllCICC, Wu0b L Was H1HC W IL
mark was to de effeck dat rumors hev
reached my yeahs dat some of. de mem
bers of dis Club am sort O. scratchin'
DER back an ticklin' DER chins wild de
expecktashun of gittin' boosted inter Of
ifs dis year. lie heard it whispered on
de street, an lie heard it hooted at me
over nay alley fence, an de whispers an
de boots hev made me sick. Walkin'
out dis mawnin' to survey de bewtiful
songs of de birds, an listen to de sweet
verdure of nature, dissolved ia my own
min dat if emmy member of dis yeah
Club got up am sighed fer offs wild either
party dey'd hev to cut loose from Para
disc Hall. De man who am shakin'
hands wild high am low, bowin' to de
goats on de right, de dogs on de left, an
de niggers in de middle-de man who
mus be hypercrite an a iiar-de man
who has got to bend low down befo'
everybody-de man who hez got to be-
gin pullin' wires for second term bafo'
his first am ten days ole-dat man isn't
de sort O. timber we sigh fer in here!-
While admit dat de Niger am Titled
to all de offiis he kin git, say dat him
who lets oils alone, am shown heaps
o. common sense Clarendon Ham,
STAN up!"
Mr.. Ham, who had a seat uear the
door, rose to his feet, and Brother Gar
dener pointed his fingers at him and
earnestly said:
clarendon Ham, you banker to be
coroner. or constable, or nlOas' emmy cd
der posishun dat doan' call for elbow
grease an de backacke. You !aev been
rubbin' de paint off de lamp-posts am
WARM out de steps of de City Hall while
plannin' to work inter offs an be able
to hev red-front door an war a stan'in'
collar. Mis'ser Ham, look dis way!-I
Dc you want to be a niger dat every
body hates Do you want folks to call
you liar am a hoss-thief? Do yOn
want to be tossed from han to ham like
ball? Do you want to lose all your
elf.respeck, an ,shev all de skool-chil'en
p1ntln' de thumb o. skoru at your off
spring?"
"Fo de Lawd, noW answered Mr..
Ham. From dis mint forth, ftsw all
de yar's O. my life, I'll frow offs cher
my shoulder an STAN by de whitewash- |
brush an de lawn-mower!n
There was a moment of deepest silence
and then Brother Gardner softly said
Sentence am suspendered, an we 4
will say wild de poet:
"Man am but q human;
Darfore forgive his sin;
De bes' OF us may make mistakes
An weep whar Odders grim
eve will now go inter de committee
IF de hull an pass de coIleckshun-hat
aroun'. "--hI'ce Press.