The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1878-02-28
Advice to Husbands - How to Do
When You Are Ill-Tempered.

When You Are Ill-Tempered.
Begin by staying out until two o'clock
with some fine fellows who know what
good wine is. Reach your home in the
small hours, and after Intellectually trying
to open the door with h lead pencil, scold
your wife for sitting up for you. Throw
your boots upon the floor and wake the
baby, and desire to know why Mrs. Boggs
lets that little imp shrek 30 much. AT
ter this, go to sleep and snore while she
walks the floor with the unhappy infant.
Of course, you will wake up cross; you
will hate yourself and the world, and
you will be quite equal to the task of
throwing upon the carpet twelve shirts
that are in good order, and finding at the
bottom of the drawer one with u button
off. Put this on, and appear at the break
fast-table like the ghost of Banquo,
pointing at your throat and shaking your
head.
Tell Mrs. Boggs that before you we're
married, your dear ma attended to your
buttons, and while she wipes away tear,
suddenly start to your feet and spit the
coffee you have just taken into your
mouth into the coal-scuttle, and ask what
she has put into it today and declare
yourself poisoned. Tell her that the
breakfast, altogether, is not fit for pigs to
eat.
Having by this means rendered Mrs.
Boggs serious, take your paper and
plunge into it, using it as a screen, and
eating and drinking behind it. Don't
answer Mrs. Boggs when she asks you if
there is any news; and occasionally
thrust your cup at her, with a grunt, to
be refilled. Have your eyes sufficiently
about you, however, to see Biddy give
Mrs. Boggs folded paper, and inquire,
with a jealous glance, what that is that
she is hiding under the tea tray, When
she replies that it is "only the gas BILL"
fold your newspaper and demand to see
it, and upon inspection, ask her what she
means by such extravaganza. Tell her
she is bringing you to the poor-house-
that you expect to fail next year - that
everybody is failing on account of the
reck lessncss of women who never take
care of anything because they don't have
to earn it. Point out the fact that you
spend nothing, and are only wretched
slave, toiling from dawn until dark, with
bankruptcy hanging by a single hair
over your head, while she gsds about in
finery. Look solemnly upon your nine
offspring, several of whom have just had
the measles, and upon the infant in arms
who is preparing for one of his regular
bouts of Group, apd remark that you
wish you were a woman with nothing to
do but to stay at home and play with the
oh, I'D
little Peter - who inherits your amiable
disposition and is pinching his little sis
ter - and box bis ears, and remark to
some invisible familiar, that one would
think person who had so many idle
hours need not neglect these little wretch
es so. Order Pamela out of the room for
shifting, and shake little Tommy for eat
ing his bread bottom upwards as he
stares at you. Promise to bring home
cat nine tails and treat them all to the
whipping they deserve; and having set
them to believing in chorus, tell Mrs.
Boggs that you probably shall not be
home to dinner, for you have tickets for
the opera, and as Cousin Samanthys hus-
band is in California, you think 1.-THE poor
thing ought to be taken somewhere and
cheered up little" If Mrs. Boggs re-
marks that Cousin Samsnthy seems to he
the livelest person she ever met already,
and desires to know why it is never nee
essary to cheer ones own wife up little,
remark that "when it comes to absurd
jealousy you refuse to listen any longer"
and depart, slamming the door. You
know that Mrs. Boggs loving her chill
dren as she does, will never think of get
ting a divorce. no matter how hardly she
is used, so that you are quite safe. When
you feel good humored you can make it
up. Any time will do for Mrs. Boggs.
You always know where to find her.-A.
X. d., in N. Y. Ledger.