Buchanan County bulletin. [volume] (Independence, Iowa) 1869-1891, 1878-07-26
Josh Billings to the Girls.

Dear girls, are yu in search of hus-
band?
That is pumper, and yu are not re-
quested to say yes" out loud, but are
expekted tn throw yure eyes down onto
the earth as though yu waz looking for
pin, and reply to the interrogatory
with kind of draulin sigh.
Not tew press SO tender theme until
it becomes thorn in the flesh, We will
presume (tew avoid argument) that yu'r
on the lookout for sumthin in the mail
line. Let me Civ yu sum small chunks
OF advice how to spot yure future hus-
band:
l: The man who is jellus of every
little attenshun yu get from sum other
Teller, yu will find after yu are married
tew him he will luv himself better than
he duz yu, and what yu mistook for So
lissitude you will discover has changed
tew indifference.
Jellusy isn't hart diseze: it is liv-
er complaint.
2. A mustach is not indispensable;
1t is only little more hair, and is much
like moss and other excresences-often
duz the best on the sile that won't raise
anything else. Don't forget that the
things which you admire in a Teller be-
fore marriage, you will probably dislike
In husband after, and a mustash will
get to be very weak diet after long
time.
3. If husbands could be took on trial
as Irish cooks are, two-thirds of them
would probably be returned; but there
don't seem to be emmy law for this.
Therefore, girls, you will see that after
you get a man, you have got to keep
him, even if you loze on him. Konse-
quently, if you hav got emmy kold vitles
In the house try him on them once in
awhile during the securing season, and
if he swallers them well and seq he will
take sum more, he is man who, when
blue Monday kums, will wash we'll.
4. Don't marry Teller who is alwoz
tellin how his mother duz things. 1t is
tew hard tew wean yung one.
D. Ii yung man can beat you play
In on the palmer, and hear fish-horn
playin on the street without turning a
somerset on account of the musick
there is in him, [ say tew leave him; he
mig hit answer tew tend baby, but if you
set him to hoeing out in the garden you
will find yu have got tew do it yourself.
A man whose whole life lies in musick
(and not too hefty at that amt no bet
ter than seedlitz powder; but if he
luvs to listen while you sing sum gentle
ballad, you will find him mellow and not
soft. But don't marry anybody just for
one virtue emmy more than you would
flop man for just one fault.
8. 1t is one of the tuffest things for
a female to be an old maid successfully.
A great many has tried it and made a
bad job of it, and had hard time. Ev-
erybody seems to look upon old maids
just as they do upon dried herbs in the
garret-handy for sickness-and there
fore, girls, it amt mistake that you
shud be willing to swop yourself oph
with sum true-hearted Teller for hus-
band. The swop is good one; but don't
swop for emmy man who is respectable
just because his father is. You had bet
ter be an old maid for four thousand
years and then join the Shakers, than to
buy repentance at this price. No wo-
man ever made this trade who didn't get
a phOOl, mean cuss or a clown for a
husband.
Z In digging down into this subject,
| find the digging goes harder the fur
Their get. 1t is much easier to inform
you who not to take, for the reason that
there is more of them.
1 don't think you will follow my ad-
vice, if [ give it; and therefore / will
keep it, FOR look upon castor ile-a mean
dose to give and a mean dose to take.
But | must say one thing, girls, or Spite,
If you can find bright-eyed, well-bal-
lasted boy who looks upon poverty as
sassy as child looks upon wealth-who
had rather sit down on the curbstone of
the Fifth Avenue hotel and eat ham,
sandwich than 60 inside and run in debt
for his dinner and toothpick, and who is
man with that sort of pluck that mis-
takes defeat for victory, my advice
is to take him body and soul-snare him
at the onset, for he is stray trout-a
breed very skarse in our waters.
Take him, say, and bid onto him as
hornets bid on tree.