, 1878-05-31
Wit and HumOr.

RgAplSG makes a iull man, and 20
doe- Nhlsky
PEOPLE who are all the time cutting
up: Butchers
THE dinners given by Congressmen are
known Us gander parties
Now that short skirts are coming into
fashion what will the ladies carry in their
haudst
Ir seems paradox that the result Of
crooked still should be u whisky
straight.
Unless man can plat bull-whip
he cant get n situation as district school
teacher III Texas.
SrRoYG doses of advertising should be
administered to business that looks bill
ious about this time of year.
THERE is something noble about a
goat all boarders might initiate. lie is
not particular what he feeds upon.
"MARRIAGEl Poohl don't men-shun-
itm exclaimed the maiden aunt. "In.
deed they don't" replied her lovely niece.
You've women never marry old men
for money--they yearn for chance to
trade cif their old clothes to the peddler.
TO call u man an ass is u reproach, but
in Arabia, in bewailing 4 lost friend, they
frequently exclaim, "Alas, my beloved
jackass!'
SCIENCE made easy.--Friend to scen-
tiic authority: "Doctor, how is q man
to tell mushroom from toadstoOl ~
Scientific authority: "By eating it. II
YOU live, it is a mushroom if you die, it
is a toadstool.'
A THREE YEAR-oL boy in North Ben
nington asked an honest but poor Irish
man the other day for penny to buy
some candy, and when he replied that
"Faith, he hadn't cint, the little fellow
inquired with all the innocence imagin-
able, "IIave you failedW
&sHERIFF clerk of Dundee was attend
inc funeral. "lIow old was our de.
parted friendl" he inquired of a relative
of the deceased. "Very Old" was the re
ply; i believe he was in his eighty-sev
enth year" "Not so very DID, eXclaim-
ed the lawyer; "if my father had been
alive he would have been 1l2w
"UYDERsTAND me, Mrs. Trevor, don't
soy that your man was drunk, or that he
had been drinking even, but my husband
says he can prove by three witnesses that
they saw him try to pare an apple with
corkscrew in broad daylight, and
thought that looked so suspicious | felt
it my duty as neighbor to come and
tell you about it."
A GENTLEMAN and a scrub are seated
at the same table. The scrub is just fin
ishing his dinner; the gentleman just
beginning his. The scrub lights a cigar
and blows u cloud of smoke over his
coffee. The gentleman rises, and says in
the poitest tones: Excuse me, sir; will
it annoy you if l eat while you are
smoking9"
A MAN saw ghost while walking along
lonely highway at midnight. The ghost
stood exactly in the middle of the road,
and the wayfarer, deciding to investigate,
poked it with his umbrella. The next
instant he WAS knocked twenty feet into
amudhole. Moral-Never poke an um
brela at large white mule when its
back is turned.
WHILE prisoner was being searched
at police station he suddenly burted
out "Ill never believe in old sayings
again!" whats wrong with old say
ings2" asked the captain. "Why, there's
one that says, Heaven helps them that
helps themselves helped myself to a
pair of breeches, and now where am II
Where is heaven2 Where is the help to
get out o this"
A VERY little boy had one day done
wrong, and he was sent, after paternal
correction, to ask in secret the forgive
ness of.his Heavenly Father. His offence
was passion. Anxious to hear what he
would say, his mother followed to the
door of the room. In lisping accents she
heard him ask to be made better; and
then, with childlike simplicity, he added /:
"Lord, make mas temper better, too"
OLD Lord Elphinstone was asleep at
church, while the minister, very addle-
headed preacher, was holding forth. At
length the parson stopped and cried ;
"Waukin, my Lord Aphinstone." "Pm
no sleeping, minister "But ye are
sleepin'-I wager ye duna ken what I
said last" aye said, 'Waukin, my Lord
Aphinstone. SAY, ay, but l wager ye
dinna ken what | said afore that" ~
wager ye dinna yersel."
If you want TO keep your boy athome,
make it pleasanter for him than the
street. Chalk hopscotch in the hall,
put hogshead of molasses on tap in the
kitchen, have a dog-fght in the back
yard, make "bully slide" on the cellar
door, have hand organ and monkey in
the reception room, anda German band
on the stairs. Hire a a"Geevus" to be
chafied. Let the boy chalk callers backs
on the 1st of April, throw his baseball
through the windows, ring the bells and
run away, and "plug" the cook with fish
balls Sunday morning; but even then
you will have TO engage circus or great
moral show" to drive through the prem
ises two or three times in the season to
make it pleasanter than the street."