Iowa County democrat. [volume] (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1877-1938, 1878-02-22
Dodgeville Test for Hard Times

into our ears OF latc With such presi s..
tent vehenence that we almost begin
to regard those organs as the miser's
funnel, through which to pour floods
of poison and bitterness into our
souls. Everywhere we are, every
where we 50, everywhere we look
everywhere we hear, that pharsamo-
NOUS old phantom is singing the de-
testable refrain. hard times 1t is
continually thrusting its blear and
hollow blood-shot eyes into our face;
it jams its cold bald head into our
pathway; it stutfs its putrid, loath-
some stencil into our very noStrilS,
until we become sick, stupid, blind.
and paraly2ed. The very next old
paslmoniouS, gold-lincd. jewel maniac,
and ducat screeching Shylock that
dares TO let that sentence drop from
his lips. shoot him on the spot.
It's becoming painfully common to
see old pampered stomach punishers,
compounded of one-half mutton-chops
and hasty buildings, one part bacon
fitch with the bristles on, one part
thoracic emptiness, waiting to he oe-
cupied by some tramp soul, and the
remaining parts composed Of plegmat-
ic frowns, pursed up brows and agon-
lzing means and groans OF "hard-
times" come out from their kitchen
pantries after loading their stomachs
with contorti ons, and not even incur
ring the risk of wiping the supertluous
grease from their chinS for fear they
might die of want, and after clutching
their hands together beneath their sew
eral cargoes of commissioners to pre-
Vent if possible and ABDOMINAL eNtrava-
gance pour out from their greasy lips 4
succession Of intersections descriptive
of their ever present malady, hard,
hard times" that fall upon the ears OF
the frugal and industrious portion of
community, like the pitiful falling of
Lucifer down into the scething pot of
combustion, and harrow up the soul of
thetremhling widows and imploring or
phans. There is not muscle TO be
found in the whole anatomy Of such
men, except in their hands and fingers,
and III those digital members the whole
muscular power of the human form
is concentrated, and with their fierce,
blind unclenchable fangs they squeeze
and press the poor until they compel
them to purchase permit to die, or
give them full receipts for their UNI
paid pauper tax. These are the men
who are singing the phantom Of hard
times i'll the face Of every honest man
they meet. They are the ones who are
squeezing all political economy and
the efforts Of our humane, free and
independent government into hard
knots, and boring the soul out Of the
community i'll which they circulate,
with the ceaSeless drill Of "hard times,
You cannot escape from them; you
cannot get out of hearing Of their tele-
phonic diaparon. They could squeeze
the very flavor out of Il Goldfish, or the
cheek off a candidate for vacant pull
pit in Il twelve hundred dollar town.
They 70 about the streets picking their
teeth with their big horny thumb
nails, not daring to incur the expense
of a splinter, because cord-wood is
three dollars Il cord III the market.
They are the second race of
Israeltes in the wilderness,
with their hearts and eyes CON
tinually on the hesh-pots and corn
cribs Of Egypt, and always fearful
they are going to starve, or fanish,
or get struk with lig htning, or pun
melled with thunder-bolts, or burnt
with fire, or that some other imaginary
evil is about to befall them, and their
souls are in q continual turmoil of
terror. and their teeth chattering over
the thistle-pod Of "harl times" like a
pup Win bulhDle-Dcc ~ - illohth'
We have adopted test for "hard
times" in Dodgeville, and by expert
ence find it rs true as the needle to
the pole. Whenever man olrends us
with the hypocond riacal screech of
hard times" the committee catch him
and apply the test TO him They seize
him by the heels and turn him upside
down and stand him up against the
ceiling With his head downward; let
him remain in that position forty-live
minutes and observe if his stomach
changes place with his mouth; if it
dnna hn,s n linr and thnv i1n1nanh