The weekly clarion., 1878-04-24

mcht IN Alabama, where the people were 81
heathly they had to move away to get to die
"hen THIS enterprising \ ankee got there the,
mad never heard of rhubarb, ialop chola
gogue, Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup, ant
the innumerable hosts OF other innovation
upon Materia Medica. They had no m edi
eInes and no doctors, aud consequently sick
ness was unknown among them The mer
We're robust and healthy, the women ros,
and strong, the children tat and bouncing
But whoever heard of an enterprising Yan.
kee that was not equal to any emergenc,
that might come before him? This shrewe
New Englauder ingratiated himself int
the confidence of one of the happy mother:
and persuaded her to let him hold her baby
When he had got the baby in his arms h,
slyly stuck pun into it, and the badly
astonished everybody by setting up {
yell. 1t had never cried before. 1t had
been so perfectly free from pain and 80 en-
| tirelv satisfied with the mAnareuent of tItt
| household affairs that it never consider ed
| there was any occasion to cry. IL scarcely
! knew it could cry. But when this darkly
| deeply, scheming Jonathan inserted the pin
in the sottest part of its tnAtomY il couldn't
| help it. 1t screamed Justify, and then Sharp
Nose found it an easy thing to persuade the
mother to give the child Il dose OF soothing
| syrup to quiet it. The Opiate in the syrup
put the child TO sleep. The effect of this
| little circumstance upon Sharp Noses for
! tunes was wonderful. His fame was ''no
| rated" around. . her mothers sought the
/ soothing syrup. y great demand Sprang
| up for soothing syrup Sharp Nose be-
| came doctor and introduced other patent
medicines. lie grew great and waXet fat.
| There was steady increase in the demand
| for his nostrums, and the ueighborhood
soon became so sicbIly that it took six doc
| tors to do the practice Gen. Bell cmigra-
| ted. but he saws when he left there Doctor
| Sharp Nose had two tionriShing drug stores
in fun blast, and plantation with a hun
dred niggers, but he had cleaned out the
country. He had created demand Tor his
| medicines and made the country so sickly
/ that nobody could live there.
! That's about the substance of what we
have TO thank stomach BitterS for. They
have created the arrangement of the stom-
ach they profess TO cure.
! WhiSkey proper is divided into two grand
MISREPRESENTATION and Crooked. The
straight whiskey Kills at long range. It
| penetrates into its victim by slow, gradual.
! but unerrtngly sure approaches. a man
may drink straight whiskey and still in
1 dulge the consciousness that he Is not
poisoned. lie may survive for time and
! keep himself on his pegs tor a while in
/ fact until he gets drunk through aud
! through then he limberS himself out. The
] whi-keV has permeated all his bones and
/ Joints and he becomes as piable as an eel.
/ There is no use for 4 lamp post when he
/ has got to this state of perfection in drunk
/ ennesS. on may take such man and
| sling him across the back of mule without
disturbing his repose. You may kick him
down stairs without waking him up. You
/ may throw him out of a two story window
| without hurting bone in him. a thor
| ough drunk on straight whiskey is the
| most perfect drunk there is.
| But crooked WhiskeY effects the subject
| differently. This kind OF Whiskey has a
/ faculty for shooting up at the top of fell
/ lows lead and trying to split his skull
open with pain, or OF darting down into
| his legs and producing INSTRUMENTATION
with them. 1t has Il powerful tendency to
| corrupt the morals of men. 1t even makes
some men steal. It corrupted the fountain
/ head of the last administration at Washing
/ ton. Go back year or two and call up the
| CHASTITY outgrowth of crcokedneSs in whis-
| KEY at St. Louis and Chicago, and later still
! at New Orleans. The most shameful and
/ revolving spoctacles of venality in Ameri
can history. Crooked Yhiskey has blasted
| forever the regulations OF many who stood
high in the councils of the nation, but its
| effects upon the unsophiSticated nay be il
| sso,,,s r,onth, mississippi Fellow
/ citizen of mine went to New Orleans and
| stopped at the City Hotel. After tea he re-
| paired to the theatre, and adjourned be
! tween the ac-s to the nearest grocery where
! he forLfied with a few ''snOrtS, As brother
| Shaw would say, of the crooked. by the
| way have been more or less familiar with
| the literature OF saloons for the last HtGon
| or twenty years, aud never heard it. called
bv that name before. | do believe the word
| i pure invention OF Iarson shaw 10 orinS
odium upon whiSkey. snort 1t may be
1 Ur1per, but it sounds to me very much like
the language OF a horse When the thea
| tre closed this unsophisJicated fellow-citi-
| zen of mine Wended or father wound his
| way back to the hotel, for the whole street
| was his, with several ''snorts of crooked
hid away Inside OF him. How he got 20 the
| hotel is the mystery of this joke, but he got
there, took his key and staggered up to his
room, Here was trouble Hs Irleu 70 uu-
| lock MS door ouJ lhe Key l4lSscd Hte' "A
| second effort ana Wluer mss. nc trleu
again and failed. In despair he called up
the waiter.
Waiter. says he, "hez OLD Nad son
Wells olnyeFeF
mo sir.
''lleZ Tom Aners II DIN yereF
"NO sir
"Hez enny-ob'reSt 'turnin bo'ders blil
yere?"
mo sir"
Then who in the Miss Helen BlaZes hez
stole my key hole
That's the way ii works upon the unso-
phlstioateG countrymau, Dut lC eHects tnt
Government agents III 2noLnef way Ii
makes them steal Ii man VIII dflhh y
advice to hlm Is TO take IL sVralShC' Le
him Shun crooke,, dFold lnlAluEes' anu Is
| CHEVY stomach Bltters.
| ~ rather startling aftlcle apPedteu III tue
| New y ork sun some days ago written IN
advocacy OF the Mo4ett Register, anc based
upon the estimate OF the wine ana spirit
Traders Society OF Ih3t elIy OF the "a, a'nG'.n
of revenue when wouiu accrue TO Tue cry
treasury from the Money! sNstelt ol taAlns
each drink 2ls cents. 1his eStihlaIe was
drawn from data IurhlShed DY the saIoonS
themselves, as wen as 9Inef accessioat a
sources of Information ana Is more apt &c
fall below the actual hgures thah 20 so aooVt
them. According TO TINS eStiinaCe tle taA