The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1878-12-16

And every one laughed when clumsy lout
Spilled bis tea in the piano forte.
Next day the parson went down on his knees,
With his wiIe-but not to pray;
On no, twas to scrape the grease and dirt
From the carpet and stairs away.
Shoe and Leather Reporter.
Turner'S Falls Reporter: The time approaches
when the thoughtful husband gives his wife
some money, which goes to buy 9 dressing
gown that all the worlds riches couldn't hire
him to wear in the presence of his male friends.
Wheeling Leader: Oar Wheeling inventor
is getting up rev patent chair for dentists.
A concealed spring in it runs tack up through
the seat, and while the patient is bowling, and
his attention is diverted by the attack below,
the..tooth is yanked out.
"Mo.her. does God see everything that's
done? asked a little one. "Yes, my dear,
everything" was the reply; "but why do you
ask?' Because" said the artless child, 81
think that to say the least of It, it is very IL
convenient
Paris paper: "How on earth do you manage
to get along so we'll? thought that only three
or four years sago you head svs heels In
debt" 20, those wers ever pay
my old debts" "But 30 r ones?', 81 let
them get old.'
Paris paper: Financier who recently made
cool million in W. O.. riding with friend, says
to him with illconcealed contempt: Say, this
carriage of yours isn't as it might be-" Friend
gently "No. but (signifcantly) I've had it for
long time"
bs the largest at midnight. We never made
an examination, but we are positive that its
voice is about seventeen times larger at that
hour than at any other period during the
twenty-four
Boston Post: An old gentleman Of 81 and
his bride, aged 80, entered railway car the
other day and took seat by the stove. A
youth occupying the seat behind says he over
heard the following: Old gentleman to his
bride-"Who's little lamb?" Blide-"Bofe
Of u.s."
Puck: When Johnny was questioned as to
why his engagement with Miss FL. had been
broken of, he rolled his eyes, looked very
much pained, and groaned, Oh! she turned
out decever." But he forgot to mention
that he was the deceiver whom she had turned
out
Harvard Lampoon: "Vox ct Pieterea Nj
hill" European Traveller-Rsally. my dear
Mr.. Prechard, from the photograph you can
form no conception of the vast proportions Of
St. Peters. Country Minister-Yes, yes; but
don't the pope find considerable difficulty In
fllin'it?
Catskill Recorder: II is not generally known
that whoever maliciously poisons dog or 9th
er domestic animal Is liable to imprisonment
| in the penitentiary for one year and fine OF
| $780, 1t is dangerous business to poison your
neighbours dog. The cheapest way is to give
colored man fifty cents to do it for you.
Keokuk Constitution: If the postmaster
general had any sense at all be would issue
postage stamps like cards with double heads,
so the post-cffics clerks would not be compelled
by people who will persist in pasting stamps
upside down on their letters, to turn hand
spring every time they stamp letter in order
to get the thing straight
A man can always tell exactly how tall he is
by walking through q low door In the dark.
Next morning be can measure the hight of the
door, and then measure from where IL struck to
the top of his head, add the two together, sub
tract the swearing, and multiply by what
O'Clock it was when he got home, and the re-
| suit will be his net hight.
Harvard Lsmpoon: LEnfant Terrible.
master Charley and his family are spending
a few days at the house of that promising sr-
tist, Mrs. Vandyke Browne.) Mrs. v. B.
Well, Charley boy, why are you looking so
hard at that picture? Charley-Whs, mann
ma says that every time she looks at this pic
ture it makes her sick, and thought I'd see
if it would me.
Burlington Hawkeye: The price CT a wife
among the Sioux Indians is 20 ponies. And
| when the young brave has won the girl and got
her fathers consent at ruling rates, and the on
| ly thing that remains Is to plank down the po-
nies, he sits down and sometimes occupies .
whole night thinking whether he had better
steal the ponies from his own father or the
| girls. He generally steals them from his pro-
| spective father-.r-law.
San FfaLeis,o Corr. OF Sacramento UnioI:
"That young lady used her best to catch your
hush and before you married him." remarked
| one lady to another, as q mass of curls and
braids, hounces and overskirt passed the win
| dow at which they were sitting. "I wish to
the Lord she'd got himp' was the quick reply,
| and then dead silence fell upon the two, and
| wonders in crochet work were accomplished in
| the next half hour.
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