The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1878-08-15

1
j And many luckless farmer man
! -.- Bemoans the watermelon.
IS. Louis Post.
A ST. LOUIS coroner who was form
erly base ball man, Instructed his jury
to bring in verdict of "out on sun
strike. oil City Derrick.
"a schooner of beer for five cents"
is translated by French newspaper so
as to read, "In America you can get a
boat full of beer for five cents"
AT social gathering, few days
since, the following toast was proposed
and drank: In ascending the hill of
prosperity may we never meet friend"
DINK pooty veil of a man dot will
shtood by you when you vas in shtormy
vedder. Shwarum of inskects will shtay
around you when der sun shines out
| Carl Pretsel.
CAN not Mr.. Edison invent a machine
for collecting the midnight music of
cats and dogs that can be used by
churches, and thus relieve them of the
expenses of choirs?
WE may set down as an axiom that
most young ladies cannot know every
body's name when it is impossible for
them to know what their own name may
be twelvemonth hence.
The statement is made that Clara
Morris is melting Chicago audiences
with her play of Conscience" We
cannot see how play by that name
could possibly affect Chicago audi
ence.-OI City Derrick.
WE have known a lady who was SO
delicate she could rarely walk more than
hundred yards without complaining,
who would run up tremendous bill
| (the compositor is requested not to set
this word hill) without taking breath.
The Oil City Derrick notices that while
many women have killed bears, not one
| of them has been known to kill mouse.
/ The trouble is, we suspect, that the
mouse does not jump on the table where
4 they can get at him.--Bufalo Express.
OH why should the spirit of mortal be proud
| When the summer time comes with its insolent
| crowd
| OF flies and mosquitoes and huttering brats,
That utilize all Of our features for mats;
That stab us and jab us and tickle our pates,
That swim in our saueers and bathe in our plates;
| And make say things that we -oughtnt to
| oughtl 1-zll5 - S--- f5ssl4
The London Lancet says a blow on
the ear has often ruptured the drum,
and warns parents against boxing chill
dren's ears. You can get more music
out of child by applying the slipper
couple Of feet below the "drum." Nor
ristoaon Herald. 1-i E5
"I ADMIT" said one dramatist of an
/ other, that he has wit, but it is heavy
wit" "Heavy WITT What difference
is there between heavy wit and any
other kind of WITT" f'f Precisely the
difference that there is between smell
and perfume"
| . IT is related that a Western tourist,
to whom an Italian monk was showing
a censecrated lamp which had never
gone out during five centuries, gave the
flame decided puff and remarked with
cool complacency, "Well, guess it's
out now" Chicago journal. aat I
Z" THAT'S my butcherp said an actor
! to friend, at the same time pointing
to lean, cadaverous looking man just
| passing. Clocks pretty bad-doesn't
he7" "He does look bad" was the re-
ply. He looks as If you have dealt
with him long time-doesn't he W The
subject was Immediately changed.
/ A CERTAIN breadth of statement is per-
missible in one who sees things through
magnifying drops of grief, but the man
must have had previous habit of con-
scious exaggeration who relates that
when his powder-mill blew up, the mort
gage on it came down uninjured in a
cornield, and had to be paid, while the
insurance, falling into the sea, was lost.
wrapped around a common tin can, a
| 411a-I1-a -. x11,x1ol 0f
steal sounds through many miles of
wire. We cannot vouch for the truth
of this, but we know that if common
tin can is wrapped around dogs tail
with a piece of rope, the sounds
emitted, If not musical, can be heard
through as many streets as the can
chases the dog.
A LADY had lost her husband, but
she had left off her mourning and went
to parties. Being asked by one of those
gentlemen who attended soirees, as me-
diums, who she would like to see in spirit,
and having replied, Ny poor James" !"
the departed suddenly rose out of the
center of the carpet, as it were, and
stood before the whole company, " Oh
James, tell me are you happy?" Very"
care you happier now than when on
earth 2" "Much happier" !" Then, James,
, you must be in heavenF F' Z" No; I'm in
, hell"
THE REAL AND THE IDEAL.
Not nobler are the hearts that work than hearts
For real as the things that are are all the things
that seem.
The waters gleam among the hills, the mrageon the
And yet alike both image forth the seff-ssme Max
er's hands.
We sail along rocky shore-the cliffs are gray and
While in the sunlit depths below as lofty cliffs
. We float upon the waves of Life, with Death al
either hand,
And what is false and what is true, We may MOI
understand;
We the shadowy rocks beneath, we see the crag
above
y both Is Lowell
: THE boy who feels "sorter of lone
some-like in the world +" lives in Dallas
Texas. As a general thing a boy o.
e eighteen has about all he can do to taxi
y care of himself, and most of the tim,
he doesn't do that. In fact, he rathe
II prefers that other people should do i
: for him. The Dallas boy is different
8 Quinine, snake-bites and whisky hay
d changed the order of things down Iha
lr way, and from the time he gets out o
Il the cradle he isn't happy unless he ha
l. somebody or other to look out for. Thi
is Just what has been troubling Josepl
Gary for some time past. He has bee
all alone in the world and he didn't ik
it. He has had no one to care for, n
ID one to love, until he couldn't stand
ss any longer. The other day he put al
(, end to this sort of thing by appearin
before a justice and the knot was tied
n He is eighteen, she over forty. Now b