The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1878-05-25
VARIETY.

The earth is full of outcasts since Canon Far
rar and Henry Ward Beecher abolished hell. Be
fore they felt sure of place to go to.
Michigan religious item ''The Rev. William
Baker, the pastor, being i'll, the people were
determined not to be wholly disappointed, and
organized a greenback club
Both the Goddess of Liberty and the American
eagle on the new dollar don't look you square in
the eye. They afraid they will be dunned
for the balance of the dollar
Worcester Press: The newspapers are still
harping on the fact that the new Pope used to
write roetry. Why not let bygones be bygones
isn't this an era of genuine reconciliation?
4 negro teamster in Nashville declares that he
must either give up driving mules or withdraw
from the church, the two positions being incom-
patible.
Edwin Booth once said that the best way to get
rid of good friend was to lend him five dollars.
That when times were easy. You can
ALLEVIATE him now for fifty cents.
The want Of the age is condensed homeopathic
drinks, in the shape Ofpills, so that fellow can
carry happy drink in his vest pocket, and be-
come beastly without going out between acts and
disturbing the congregation.
Dentist to old lady aboutto purchase some
false teeth 50 For mastication, my dear
madame, they can only be surpassed by nature
care nothing about the mastication if can only
chaw with en-"
Bill say, Mary, and ask julie to come
and play with us Mary You know, Bill,
mother saws you ain t to call him Jule-his name
is Julius Bill Well, what does she call
me Bill for, then? L shan't call him Julius until
she calls me Bilious
Why he FoUGHT NoT.-John Farrago, Penn
sylvania llItia captain, once declined duel in
the following words:
SIR-I lave two objections to this duel busi-
ness The one is lest | should hurt you the
other is lest you should hurt me. l do not see
what good it would do me to shoot you. could
make no use of you when dead for any culinary
purpose, as L would q rabbit OF a turkey. |
could not eat you. Why then needlessly shoot
YOU down! A buffalo would make better meat
than you. For though your flesh may be delicate
and tender, it wants that frmnesS and consistency
that takes and retains salt 1t might make
good barbecue, 1t Is true, being of the nature of
a raccoon or Opossum; but | do not like bar
becued meat.
Beside, it would seem strange thing for me to
shoot at anything that stands still to be shot at
as am accustomed to shoot at things flying, run
ming or jumping. Were you on a tree now
like squirrel trying to hide yourself in the bran
ches. and [ could spy you through the Intervening
boughs and leaves, your hinder parts alone being
visible, think l should enjoy taking shot at
you. But as it is, there is no skill or judgment
in either discovering you or bringing you down.
As 10 myself, do not like to stand in the way
of ANYTHING harmful. l am afraid you might hit
me. | shall consequently stay at 4 distance. If
you want to try your pistols, take some object,
such as tree or door about my dimensions. If
you hit that. seud me word, and L will publicly
acknowledge that if | had been in the same place,
you mi ght also have hit me.
THE MODERN SEVEN AGES OF MAN.-The Oil City
Derrick makes these improvements on Shaks-
peres account Of the seven ages of man: All
the worlds stage and all the men and women
merely players, some of them most confounded
poor players, too they have their exits and their
entrances, but large portion of them would
rather have whisky as a steady thing And one
man in his time plays many parts-right field,
center field, catcher, shortstop etc. At first the
infant, mewling and puking in its nurses arms
and yelling fire and then, the school bov with
dinner bucket and whining morning face Green
ing like snail unwilngy to school with a
sheepskin under his jacket and then the lover
signing like furnace, with woeful ballad fear
fully and wonderfully made to his mistress
eyebrow, and his cOat-tail pockets filed with
confectionery then a soldier, full of stranse
oaths and bugs, jealous in honor, sudden and
quick in quarrel, seeking the bubble reputation
even at the lannon's mouth at Sl3 month and
found and then, the alderman, with bay win
dow on his stomach, full of wise sawsage and
other things to eat, who charges 81 for marrying
a man, and kisses the bride without leave or
license. The sixth age shifts into lean and slip
pered pantaloons, with or without rufhes, as the
case may be last scene of all that ends this
Strange eventful history is second childhood and
mere oblivion, sans teeth, sans eyes, sans every
thing except a wonderous faculty for lying about
tue hot summers and cold winters of his younger
days