The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1878-07-20
A Fancy Farmer.

hand half an hour too soon, having beer
misled by clock which was considera
bly, fast. Not knowing better way tC
pass the time until my friend should
arrive, | sat down on o. of the settees
threw my head back, inhaled the briny
breezes, and was enjoying a sort of dolce
far niente circus generally, when a
stranger walked up and took a seat be-
side me.
He wore soft hat and pleasant
smile, together with the usual habili-
ments.
His coat was buttoned up to his neck
in a manner indicating the fact that he
was either suffering from bronchitis or
had no shirt.
He had sort of Yellow Jack look
about him, and thought it advisable to
get out of his way. Before / could do
this he said
Lovely weather this, eh?p
+" Yes, rather" | replied, indifier-
emily.
90, what weather this is for farm
ing"
:" / know nothing whatever of farm
ing"
40, you don't, Pr he murmured,
with n triumphant smile; "well you
can bet your life | understand it from
beginning to end. Yes, used to be the
boss on farming. Why, | used to get
up ideas that almost set the world de-
ranged"
There was something so marvellous
about the mans manner of making
mi tot L,t IL l.
looked as though he might have the yell
low fever in his clothes, as | remarked
before), ! determined to risk my life to
hear his story.
You see," he we, on, "when | was
quite young there was considerable
rivalry in the milk business around the
place where | was brought up, and, as
there was quite crowd of rich city peo-
pie spending the summer in the neigh
borhood, there was a good chance to
make money on COW juice.
Somehow or ot,icr there was q report
circulated that all the milk and butter
purchased in the place was strongly
favored with wild onions. Says |, 'Pll
make my mark now so put my little
idea into execution. ! was successful,
you bet, got all sorts of puhs, ads
encomiums, etc, till couldn't rest. !
made money, too. You just ought to
have tasted one of those milk punches
you talk about your boss eixirs. Whoa,
Jimmy? ?"
Seeing that he was completely carried
away with himself, assur d him that
believed every word he said (Which was
a lie), and | should only be too happy to
listen to any other "reminiscences he
might have to relate.
This refreshed him so much that he
completely forgot the COWS, land branched
off as follows
independent fortune if / could only get
up little racket TO raise fresh vtgeta-
bles of all kinds in midwinter. | knew
that rich people would pay big prices
for any thing of the kind, so | set to
work in good earnest 10 ascertain If |
could bring my hopes into blossom"
His metaphor was amusing.
"You see, | selected a good-sized patch
behind the house, and about two feet
beneath the surface ] laid large iron
pipes about foot apart. A short dis
lance away | had huge furnace built,
and hired a fireman to keep it in full
blast all the time,
The steam from this furnace passed
the pipes and produced the necessary
amount of heat to counterfeit the effects
of the cold; and the beauty of the
thing was that it made the things grow
quick. You could see the seeds burst
like percussion caps.
"Why, used to raise several crops in
one winter. AS soon as I'd get the thing
going the maple trees would commence
to give syiup, and buds would burst all
around. | tell you just made things
howl, and don't you forget it!'
For the purpose of seeing how far he
would carry the thing, | interrupted
him by saying:
"You said the vegetables developed
very rapidly
Rapidly" he responded, with a con-
temptuous chuckle, well, | think they
did; why, the carrots and turnips grew
SO fast under the influence of that steam,
that after they made their appearance
above the ground used to be compelled
to lay planks with weights on them over
the rows to keep them from jumping
into the air."
Remarkablew
Gone day." he continued, without
noticing my interruption, "my grand
mother went out to look at things, and
through her clumsiness she kicked
plank off the last turnip in the row, and
before she knew what was the matter, it
flew up and almost knocked the brains
out of her."
| thought it about time to get away
from this amateur Ananias, but he
anticipated me, and said:
those were only boyish frivolities;
just wait till tell you about the time
when ! grated wings into pigs, and had
them flying around the house like
pigeonsp
W-h-a-t?" / shouted, totally over
come by his utter serenity of counte-
nance, for he appeard to be in dead
earnest.
"Never mind, them" he went on !;
" I'll leave the pigs until the last, and
tell you how found perpetual motion.
You see, old Dobbin died; and we
didn't know what to do, because we were
greatly in need of horsefesh to drag
stone. We were completely puzzled
at first, but soon fixed things.
1 got piece of loadstone heavier
than the wagon and fixed it on the pole ;
then l screweda huge bar of steel on
the axle-tree. no more than did this
than the loadstone commenced to draw,
and as it was heavier than the wagon,
and the steel wouldn't give. of course it