Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1878-11-29
Seine Queer Mistakes,

Tread on cats tail and the cOnSe-
! 1uent result is an overture of sounds
quite appalling. InsInuate that your
unmarried aunt of thirty summers is an
old maid, and the effect will be the same
Rs with the cats tail. l have tried both
ways and know whereof I wIIte. Years
ago there lived in Kentucky a lady of
uncertain age, intelligent, bright, chattY,
and Withal very good company, and
sensitive on one point only-her age.
She was thirty if a day, and the fact
worried her. As an intimate friend of
the family visited her frequently, but
never but once did the subject in ques-
don intrude itself on our minds 1t was
this way: We were sitting in the parlor
talking, when I laughingly told her that
1 could prove something had said by
the Bible, and thereupon swept the old
family record into my lap and began to
scan its pages
what do you mean, HarryF' she
said, starting up.
"Why, I can prove anything by the
Bible" 7 replied, turning the leaves
one after the other.
81 think-I really think" she stam-
mered. "What impertinence p
Still 1 went on turning the leaves, the
very picture of innocence.
81 am surprisedP
This time 1 looked up, but too late,
for my hand rested on the family record
of births, marriages, and deaths, as
written in the Bible. So this was the
cause of her agitatlonl I saw the point
at once, and not knowing what else to
do. slammed the Bible on the table and
asked her to marry me. This happened
fifteen years ago, and, will you believe
me, my head swims yet from the sud
denness with which she gave her
consent.
This was one of the mistakes we read
of-very seldom-and it was not much
of a mistake either. The following is a
much better one:
1t happened in a rough mining town
in Colorado. There was a grand ball at
the rancho of Whiskey Jack, a well
known character in the "diggings," and
the "elite" of the district responded to
the call in full force The party was
held in a rickety old barn belonging to
the host, and what with few red strips
OF flannel, a grotesque accumulation of
mountain roses and row. of dripping
candles, the appointments of the place
were perfect. My first partner in the
giddy dance vas the wife of the man
who killed the village postmaster
because he refused him a letter; she
was fat, fair and forty, and danced with
the grace of COW. My next partner
was the daughter of this charming pair,
a young girl Just bursting into the low
illness of womanhood; she was badly
TeGkled, and sported a wart on her
nose. My next partner was blooming
grass-widOW, fresh arrival; and then
rested. l began to comment on new
faces IN the room. My companion in
5his pleasant pastime was a heavy
bearded miner, uncouth, roughly dressed,
tobacco slobbered, and very prOfane.
This was our first meeting, and l hoped
it would be the last
There goes a hard looking case" I
whispered, as the wife of the man who
killed the postmaster sailed by. "She's
a bad 'un."
''Yas," replied the man, I'D hate to
have the critter step on me. What an
elegant target she would make for poor
marksman p
''Yes," said, and turned my eyes on
a tall, raw-bOned creature sailing towards
US supported by little man with sandy
whiskers and red-top boots. Here
comes the boss"
"Howp
''The boss, I say; amt she lovely
chimpanzee%
"a whatT
"Chimplnzeep
He glaTed at me a moment and then
reached for his revolver.
what is a chimpanzee ?' he growled
fercely, his red eyes growing large.
1 saw that / had made some mistake,
and fastened TO explain.
"Why-why," I stammered, backing
of, chimpanzee is a lovely creature /
found in Africa-nothing so gorgeously
beautiful as a chlmpanzee. That is the
highest compliment lady can receive"
"Op and the man looked relieved.
"Yas, think so myself, stranger; she is |
2 lovely chimpanzee sne's my wife"