Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1878-01-25
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ssSOARIZE.'-s'I came into town yeSter-
day. slowly said Mr.. Fox, a farmer, aged
fifty-four, ito get some medicine for
SOariZe."
s'For sore eyes ?" repeated the Court.
II didn't know exactly what l wanted,
and l asked a man who drives a hack wha
he used He said if he had soarize he'd
get about three big drinks of brandy down
him as soon as possible, in order to keep
the disease from going to his BRAIN"
''And then p
s'Then asked a man who was selling
cement what he'd do, and he said il he had
soarize he ID swallow two bottles of cham
payne. take in all the free lunch saloons,
beat tailor out Of good suit OF clothes
and then hold his head over night in gal
Ion of buttermilk.
Continue your affecting narrative re-
marked the Court.
"Well. [ took some beer, some butter
milk, some free funch, some sCme-Well,
[ don't remember. [ fell down in the door
way and was brought here. Pm awful sor
ry, sir, for it is my wife that has soarlze,
and this rain is awful good for corn, and l
ought to be at home"
He expected to be fined at least $40.
The audience expected that he would go
up for sixty days. His Honor locked as
fierce as an old Roman Senator and as
stern as the man who sells tickets from the
circus wagon, but he answered in soft
voice.
''Mr. Fox, this country depends upon its
agricultural resources to tide it over these
dark days. The 'tater bug stalks abroad
in the land. Every breeze from the West
brings the lonesome Whizz of the grasshop-
per. If the crops fail We'll all go to the
wall. You 60 home and NOW and reap
and rush around and tear up the golden
soil, and if your wife's eyes don't improve
pretty soon bring her into the city some
day and let her stand in the whirlwind Of
dust around the city Hall. That's all, MI.
Fox-please. hurry out -Detro5t Free Press.
WRONG KIND OF A SHIRT.-It was
spectable-looking colored man who
brought his washing home.
sYour wife is good washerwoman,
isn't she 20 said the young bachelor to the
polite and obsequious man.
'.Yaas, sir, she commonly always gives
satisfaction replied the husband Of the
laundress.
s'Well,'' resumed the young bachelor in
his blandest and most insinuating manner
''you can tell your wife that | esteem her
highly as one possessing many Womanly
and Christian virtues-a domestic gem and
household beacon, an exemplary Christ
ian, gentle, loving wife, washerwoman
among ten Thousand and altogether lovely
but there's one objection
''What's dat, sar?'' inquired the smil-
ling African, who had been showing two
rows of spotless ivory and d cavernous
opening OF the head while his wife was be-
ing SO extravagantly eu!ogized.
whats dat boss p
ssShe puts all the starch in my socks and
none in my shirts: she washes OF irons all
the buttons off and forgets to replace them
exchanges my clothes for those of some
other patron, and if you will look at this
(holding UP garmentl you'll see how in
convenient it would be to wear either pan
falcons, cuffs or collars with such shirt as
she sends me. 1t may be that she cuts off
the arms and collar to make the tail longer
but l cannot see What the deuce she would
want to ruffie the edges for
The darkey looked a little Disguised as
he wrapped the garment up to take it home,
and he only said: Idea sending a man
dat kin O. shirt l''- Vicksdurg Herald.
CONTRACTING AND EXPANDING.--
JOHN Henry was with Julia the other eve
mining when she observed:
"!ohn, Dear what is all this talk about
contracting and expanding the currency
and which do you believer"
swell, my sweet" said John, pulling
up his collar, ''that depends upon circum-
stances. In some cases / should advocate
contraction of currency. and in Others ex-
pansion of it. 1t is according to the cir
cumstances-that is the condition Of
things
but what is the difference between the
two, and how does circumstance affect
them-that is what want to know,
John?''
s'Oh, that's easily explained" said
JOIN, Ill d COuO VI SICd1 CuccIlulleSS.
4'For instance, when we are alone, we
both sit on one chair, don't we?"
''Yes.7'
'.That's contraction. When we hear
your ma and pa coming we get on two
chairs, do we not?"
81 should certainly say that we dds
swell, my love, that is expansion"
under his ear. 1--WE are contracting now,
amt we?''
''You bet," said John, with intense
cheerfulmess.
The question arisi g in a Sunday school
a to why God created all the animals of
of tie fields and sea and air before he
created man, no one gave :. solution OF it
until a little boy said II know; it's be-
cause he didn't want the man hanging
around while he was making 'em."
The right kind of a boy with peashoot-
er can take mans mind off his business
troubles and politics quicker than any
thing else in this bleak cold world.
Ardown town man who went to church
last Sunday remarked afterward that he |
nreferred the organ to the preacher. He
said there seemed to be stop in the organ |
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