The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1878-06-01
VARIETY.

SAYS the Grand Duke to the Sultan: impose
4 fine upon you of five milIiards." Sultan
- You flatter me. Do be kind Add ten francs
more, and lend them to me-
PERHAPS 1t is wrong to 90 fishing on Sunday,
but if fish are wicked enough to bite on Sunday
they ought to be made to suffer for it.
WHAT is the meaning of backbter ?'' asked
a gentleman at Sunday school examination.
This was puzzler. 1t went down the class until
it came to a simple urchin, who said: - Perhaps
it Is q tca.'
Detroit Free Press: \ Nevada politician was
elected on the merits of one single speech. All
ne said was, - FellOw-countrymen, follow me to
yonder sal0Onl'
y wealthy NewburypOrt man, fearful that his
relatives may try TO put him into lunatic asy
lum has provided himself with several physicians,
certificates that he is sane.
\ Young lawyer who had been admitted a bout
a year was asked by 4 friend, - How do you like
YOUR new professiOn?' The reply was accom-
panied by brief sigh to suit the occasion: - My
profession is much better than my practice
And isn't there an old gardener some where
about here, too, Mrs. Maloney-Pat Riley,
think his name is?'' - Know him, is it, me
Teddy? And shure, isn't he a relation of mine
Shure, ne wOnst wanted to marry me sister
Kate -
My Lord, one of them Kings has just fell
down the hatchway," the remark of n Jack
tar to Admiral Nelson on the occasion of a fete
on the flagship at Naples, when 4 number of
royal and other uniformed guests got boozy out
of compliment to the British flag.
young man of twenty nine, college graduate
and lawyer, married elderly lady of ftty-three
because she had $4,000. Now, after living to-
gether for three years, they have become parties
to an amicable suit for divorce, the condition
being that the old lady should select her hus-
bands second wife and remain in the house as
4 sort of bTeyet mOther-in-law. Up. SIN
Chicago)
Mr.. Edison, the inventor of the speaking tele-
phone, has lately constructed Il clock which,
instead OF striking the hours, tell its hearers
with human voice what o'clock it is, inter-
spersed with 4 few appropriate remarks For
instance, when the hour of one arrives, it calls
out, - One o'clock, time for lunch :" to the as
constituent of every one who has not heard it
before.
y RECIPE TO De MIsERABLE.-The best recipe
we know, if you want to be miserable, is to
think shout yourself, how much you have not
made, and the poor prospects for the future A
brave man with soul IN him gets out of such
pitiful ruts and laughs at discouragements rolls
up his sleeves, whistles and sings, and makes the
hest of life. This earth was never intended for
n paradise, and man who rises above his dis
couragements and keeps his manhood will only
be the stronger and better for his adyersites
Many Il noble ship has been saved by throwing
overheard its most valuable cargo, and many
man is better and more humane after he ha
lost his gold.
great many people profess more than they
can easily practise. 1t is thing to believe
great deal and quite another thing to do it all
We are like the boy out West, who, when askec
if his father was 4 Christian, replied, - Yes, sir
but he doesn't work at it much 1t is al
smooth sailing TO assent to the thirty-nine artI
cles on Sunday, and not hard to shout - Glory
Eallelujah,'' when the minister says eloquentl
that the right always pays, and that it Is bette
to be poor and honest than rich and carry rOun(
accusing conscience; but Monday tn
dollar looks bigger and the religion smaller, ant
one Is more willing to stand little scolding OIL
the part Of conscience if he can increase hi
bank account thereby.
Az AsToNIsHED DUTCHNAN.-A Dutchman il
che Pennsylvania oil regions let his lands to al
oil company last Spring on condition of receivin
0ne-eghth OF the oil procured. The well prove
70 be pretty good one, and the farmer began t
think the oil men should give him better chance
and ventured to tell them so. They asked hir
what he wanted. He said they ought to civ
him One-twelfth. The arrangement was finall
made, with the understanding that the Dutchma
was not to tell anyone. All went smoothly unit
the division day came, when Our friend was earl
ut hand to see how much better he would be 0
under the new bargain. Eleven barrels wer
rolled to one side for the oil men and one for hin
- How's dish?'' said he. 81 think | was
Get more as before. You have made some mi
take The matter was explained to him thf
he formerly got one barrel out of every eigh
but it was his proposition to take out
every twelve. This revelation took him abacI
lie scratched his head, looked cross and relieve
his swelling breast of feelings of self-reprOach b
Indignantly remarking, 81 Well, dat ish the fir
time as ever knOwed eight was more as dwelVe.
--MIHeF'S Journal