Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1878-01-22
MarkTwain at the Whittier Banquet.
A SPEECH WHICH SET EVERYBODY
LAUGHING. e.

A SPEECH WHICH SET EVERYBODY
LAUGHING.
The following is the text OF the speech
delivered by Mark Twain at the Whit
tier banquet:
Mr.. Chairman: This is an occasion
peculiarly meet for the digging up OF
pleasant "reminiscences concerning lite
rary folks; therefore will drop lightly
into history myself: Standing here on
the shore of the Atlantic and contem-
plating certain of it's biggest literary bill
lows, am reminded of thing which
happened to me fifteen years ago, when
T had just succeeded in stirring up a |
little Nevadian literary ocean puddle
myself, whose spume- flakes were be
ginning to blow thinly California wards.
I started an inspection tramp through
the southern mines of California. l was
callow and conceited, and resolved to
try the virtue of my nom de plane. L
very soon had an opportunity. | knock
ed at miners lonely log cabin in the
foothills of the Sierras just at nightfali.
It was showing at the time. A jaded,
melancholy man of fifty. barefooted,
opened to me. When he heard my
nom de plume, he looked more detected
than before. He let me in-pretty re-
luctantly, thought-and, after the Gus
tomary bacon and beans, black coffee
and hot whisky, I took pipe. This
sorrowful man had not said three words
up to this time. Now he spoke up and
said in the voice of one who is secretly
going to move" 1.-THE fourth what?"
old with, fap orxyy f,of1c
been here in twentv-four hours-I'm
going to move" "You don't tell me!'
said T. 'Who were the Others? ?" "Mr.
Longfellow, Mr.. Emerson and Mr.. Oil
yer Wendell Holmes-dad fetch the
lotu'
You can easily believe / was interest
ed. duplicated three hot WHISTLES
did the rest-and finally the melancholy
miner began. Said he:
They came here just at dark yesterday
evening and let them in, of course
Said they were going to 70 Semitic.
They were rough lot-but that's moth
ing-everybo body looks rough that trav-
els afoot. Mr. Emerson was. a seedy
little bit of a chap-redheaded. Mr..
Holmes was as fat as bailoon-he
weighed as much as three hundred. and
had double chins all the way down to
his stomach. Mr.. Longfellow was built
like prize-fighter. His head was crop
ped and bristly-like as if he had wig
made of hair-brushes. HIS nose lay
straight down his face, like finger
with the end-joint tilted up. They had
been drinking could see that. And
what queer talk they used Mr.. Holmes
inspected this cabin, then he took me
by the button hole, and says he:
Through the deep caves of thought
Ihear voice that sings:
Build thee more stately mansions,
Omy soul -
Says I, ''I can't afford it, Mr.. Holmes,
aud moreover I don't want to-" Blam-
ed if I liked 1t pretty well either, COM
ing from a stranger, that way. How
ever, started to get out my bacon and
beans, when Mr.. Emerson came and
looked on awhile, and then he takes
me aside by the button hole, and says ::
"Give me agates for MY meat;
Give me cantharids to eat,
From air and ocean bring me foods,
From all zones and attitudes"
Says l, "Mr. Emerson. If you'll ex-
cuse me, this amt no hotel" You see
it sort of riled mel warn't used to the
ways of littery swells. But I went on
a sweating over my work, and next
comes Mr.. Longfellow and button holes
me, and interrupts me. Says he:
Honor be to Mudjekeewis!
You shall hear how Pau-Puk-Keewis-''
But broke in, and says ], Begging
your pardon, Mr. Longfellow, if you'll
be so kind as to hold your yawp for
about five minutes and let me get this
grub ready, you'll do me proud" Well,
sir, after they'd filled up I set out the
jug. Mr.. Holmes looks at it and then
he fires up all of sudden and yells-
"Flash out stream of blood-red wine!
For would drink to other days"
By George. was getting kind of
worked up. I don't deny it, was get
ting kind of worked up. I turns to Mr.
Holmes, and says I. "Looky here, my
fat friend, Pm a1unning this shanty,
andif the court knows herself, you'll
take whisky straight or you'll go dry"
Them's the very words I said to him.
Now don't want to sass such famous
littery people. but you see they kind of
forced me. There amt nothing onfea-
sonable' bout me; don't mind a pas
sci of guests a-tread'n on my tail three
or four times, but when it comes to
standing on it it's different, and if the
court knows herself you'll take whisky
StAdISAU VI yOu IL ~ uiJs VIGIL, pC-
tween drinks they'd swell around the
cabin and strike attitudes and spout.
Says Mr.. Longfellow:
This is the forest primval.'
Says Mr.. Emerson
Here once the embattled farmer stood,
And fired the shot heard round the world.''
Says 1, 40, blackguard the premises
as much as you want tot don't cost
Uoll 11x n .;, r.
ing, and pretty soon they got out a
greasy old deck and went to playing
cut-throat euchre at ten cents a csnner
ON trust L begun to notice some
pretty suspicious things. Mr.. Emerson
dealt, looked at his hand, shook his
head, says
II lam the doubter and the doubt
And calmly punched the hands and
went to shutting for new layout.
Says he
'They reckon i'll who leave me out;
They know not well the subtle ways
keep. I pass, and deal again 20
Hang'd if he didn't go ahead and do
it, TOO! o, he was a cool one! Well,
in about minute things were running
pretty tight, but all of sudden / see by
Mr.. Emerson's eye that he judged he
had 'em. He had already cofEallad two
tricks and each of the others one so
now he kind of lifts little in his chair,
and says
II tire of globes and aces =
Too long the game is Played"
and down be fetched right bower.
Mr.. Longfellow smiles as sweet as pie
and says: ~ d. mo v-g|
'Thanks, thanks to thee, my worthy friena
For the lesson thou hest taughtn
and dog my cats, II he didn't down