The weekly herald. [volume] (Cleveland, Tenn.) 1876-1888, 1878-03-21
HUMOROUS.

49,
BUYING A PEw.-"What'r they doin'
In theref" asked Mr.. Moran, the car.
penter, as lac passed the church with
his box OF tools on his shoulder. He
was about half full. "Selllng pews,"
said the sexton. 'Just what l want"
said Moran, the carpenter, and he
walked In. He bid ten dollars on a rear
pew and won it.-He paid his money,
and then took of his coat and went TO
work. He had the side Of the pew
ripped out before the people noticed
what he was at. Then q hand as big as
a clam-rake was laid on his shoulder,
and a voice wanted to know what he
was doing. "Goin' to have a lawn
party" said he, "an' want To put this
under the huckleberry tree" ''But
you can't take II out Of here" said
Deacon Doolittle. Eyes | kin. It'll 90
Out o. that middle door soon's 1 rip the
back out. We kin swing 1t around end.
ways and jerk 1t out through the port
cullis." Then the back was ripped out
Of his coat, he was swung around end.
ways, and he was jerked out through
the portcullis, and he didn't have change
enough TO purchase a bean sandwich
after he paid for the damage to that
pew.
TYNDALL M HUxLEY.-Tyndall and
Huxley have a vocabulary of their own.
When they were sitting together on the
Matterhorn, n day, the following con-
versation took place:
"Huxley, how is your molecular ac-
ton this morningP"
"Thank you kindly, Tyndall, my
6ioplasts are pretty active just now.
How is it with your own atoms?"
"Ah, my dear friend! they are In a
state of unstable equilibrium; and |
must confess that the definite cOmbina-
ton of heterogeneous changes, both
simultaneous and successive, Is not in
correspondence with external cock
istencies and sequences"
Huxley simply replied with a sigh,
and then they both sat down on another
piece Of ice.
A POLITICIAN from the rural districts
resolved to give a dinner to some of his
party friends. In order to make sure
that everything should be of the best
1ooiit1 iO "CllbO w iuhi NOV lliulbCil anu
bought first a turtle. After taking
great pains to select II of the finest
specimens In the lot, and ordering it to
be sen home, he said to the brakeman,
by way of making it quite right. ''This
is a right down genuine turtle, amt
itP" ooh, certainly" was the reply:
Zone Of the very best" Because"
added the politician, ""although l amt
been In the city long, | amt to be hum
bugged; it won't do for you to try to
put off any of your contounded mock
turtles on me-"
AN EPISODE OF FAsHIoN.-"What
time is it now" Z allied she from her
room up stairs.
1.-TWO hours yet before OPERA" re-
piled the husband from the sitting-room
down stairs.
GAIL right" sand the wife, a moment
after, appearing by his side; "you'll
have just time enough to finish button
ing my new gloves above the elbow"
And like a brave little man that he
was he tackled the task, and it was the
hardest part of all his hard days work.
But they nevertheless got to the opera
before the first act was finished, and
she was happy.
"lF MY wife chooses to throw sauce
pans and stove lids at my head, and
tear my shirt and chuck me u of the
house," he s~oliloquized, as he got up
from the gutter, Every we'll. If she is
that sort Of a woman, very we'll. | am
sorry for her, but ! can't help it. How
can 1 communicate to her nature those
little subtle refnements and her deli
cate graces that are alone the preroga-
tive of finer spirits ?"
Miss Pope was one evening In the
green-room, commenting on the excel
lencies OF Garrick, when, among other
things, she said, "He had the most
wonderful eye imaginable eye to
use a vulgar phrase, that would penetrate
through a deal board. faye" cried
Wewitzer, 81 understand-what we call
a 0imiet eye"
"How FAST they build houses now,"
observed Sam, they began that house
last week, and now they are putting in
the lights" ''And next week they will
put in the livers," remarked his friend.
"DADDY, l want to ask you a con.
nundrum." swell, my SON." "Why
is Gabe Case's hotel like a counterfeit
dollar?" 81 can't tell, my son." "Be-
you can't pass it," said the boy.
A PHILADELPHIA judge decides that a
railroad company Is not responsible for
baggage further than to check it, pound
1t TO pieces and preserve an ordinary
watch over the trunk HANDLED.
Chow DYE do, Aunt MariaP" said a
Georgia lady to an old colored lady. 81
amt your ant, missus," loftIly replied
the aged female, "and / amt yer uncle
l'se yer ekal!"
EVEN the angle worn rejoiceth. This
very year, an india rubber angle worm
has been patented, and the agony of the
live thing, as a fish bait, is past.
Why is a baby like a sheaf of wheatP
Because 1t is first Graded and then
thrashed, and finally becomes the flower
of the family.
AS SOON AS a man gets perfectly
familiar with his own name he writes
it 80 nobody can possibly read it.
.---...-.-------m.-
The Diver and the Sharks.
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| dove once in Mobile bav where