St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1878-05-17
Squibs.
AS fish balls go out of season, croquet
balls come in.

AS fish balls go out OF season, croquet
balls come in.
The Rev. Mr.. Jasper wants $50 a
night for moving the sun.
Indians are not at all contagious.
They are very difficult to catch.
Mr.. Sedentary Bull talks of going in
to bankruptcy-as assets, scalps.-COn-
mercial AdUertiser.
Mr.. Post, of Ohio, who is nearly one
hundred years old, is missing. He is
probably held for Postage somewhere
To call man an ass is a reproach,
but in Arabia in bewailing a lost friend
they frequently exclaim, "Alas, my be-
loved jackass !"
Let's see, says the Norristown Her.
aid ; is this the day for the cable to de-
clare ''War Inevitable ?" Or is it the
"Peace Assured" day
The prayer of the Norman might suit
the spirit of our own time. It was,
"Kind Heaven, do not ask for wealth
only to be placed within arms length
of some man who has it,"
Hotel guest on retiring: 81 want to
get up at 8 o'clock" Facetious night
clerk: ''Have not got one, SIR" Guest:
''Not got what ?" Clerk: ga potato
clock"
Old joke, but will be in order as the
season advances, and may as well be
fired off in advance for instruction and
admonition: Don't eat cucumbers.
They'll w up.
Speaking of the proposal made to the
city of Pittsburg to light the streets
with lighthouses emitting light so bril-
liant that ga pin could be seen on the
pavement on the darkest night,n the
New York Mail sensibly remarks that
this seems like going to great deal of
expense to recover the lost pins of
Pittsburg.
A New Hampshire paper in reporting
temperance lecture, SAYS: "The
speaker then turned to moderate drink
ing" Little good can be accomplished
by Temperance lecturer who cannot
refrain from drinking while he is talk
ing.
Lord RavenswOrth, the man who de-
Tended George " against Thackeray.
was man of no little personal vanity.
One cold day in winter, having wrap
ped himself in fur coat, he went to
call on some neighbOrs in Northumber-
land. He was ushered into the draw
lng-room, and left, as he thought, alone.
No sooner was the door closed than he
mounted on a chair in front of the mir
ror over the fireplace, and, after sur
veying himself with intense satisfaction
gave vent to the ejaculation "Well, IA
man in fur is a noble animal !"
A tutor of a college lecturing a young
man on his irregular conduct, added
with great pathos ''The report of your
vices will bring your fathers gray hairs
with sorrow to the grave" 81 beg your
pardon, sir" replied the pupil ''my
father wears wig"
Gentlemen of leisure who live i'm Ne
vada will be glad to know the fashions
for 1873. 1t will be gross breach of
politeness to shoot at anybody further
off than six feet, and if he falls at the
first fire it is de rigueur that you should
walk up to the party and put at least
eight more bullets in his carcass in self
defence. This necessitates carving two
revOlvers, but that cannot be helped.
Fashion at times lays heavy burdens
on its vOtaries. The knife is no longer
used in polite circles, and the correct
thing to do after the occurrence is to
Immediately give yourself up to the
police and send letter of coincidence
to the nearest relatives of the deceased.
1t is not usual to go to the funeral un-
less it happens to be your own, in
which case it is in bad taste to either
stay away or take any active part in
the proceedings.-San Francisco Nescs
Letter.
When Mr.. Billony went home yester-
day and saw a handsome boouet repOs-
ing on one of the parlor chairs, he men
tally observed that it was a shame to
let such beautiful flowers lie there to
wither; so he took them up tenderly,
procured a basin of water and placed
them carefully therein-and the same
instant his wife gave a piercing shrek
and tainted dead away. But it was
too late. Mrs. Billony's new spring
bonnet was utterly ruined.-NOrriSto,u
Herald.
Did Klmball ever try to raise any
thing next door to the man who owns
hens ?-Danbu1y Ne,us.
The lightning-rod swindlers will soon
begin to operate. Spare the rod-but
kill the agent.-DanielSonUi Sentinel.
An article in an exchange is entitled,
n Nondn AWFUL CURSE" IL pr00a-
bly refers to her husband.
The Brooklyn Union Argus don't
know much about poker, but it is right
when it says that a pair of hearts some
times make flush.
The Marshal-President of France Is
Col. John w. Forney of Philadelphia
here? He is. Then let the exposition
commence to expOsish. Chicago Times.
Kansas teacher: "Where does all our
grain produce go y" Boy: at goes
into the hopper" Teacher s'Hopper ?
What hopper" Boy (triumphantly) /:
'Grasshopper."
"Will you please insert this obituary
notice Y" asked an old gentleman of a
country editor. 81 make bold to ask it
because l know the deceased had a
great many friends about here who'd be
glad to hear of his death.n
A gentleman just returned to this
country from tour in Europe was ask
ed how he liked the ruins of Pompeii.
mot very WE'LL" he replied; "they
were in such shocking bad repair.n
POISON IN Wells Hara 10 a e.o.l