Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1878-01-20
A Humorist's Lecture.
What The Burlington 'sHaWk. Eye'' Edi-
tor Knows OF Mustaches.

Tor Knows OF MustAChe9.
Mr.. r. ]. Burdette, of the Burlington
Hn,ok- Eye, appeared quite at home in the
pulpit OF the Hanson Place Methodist
Church, Brooklyn, says a New York
paper. His lecture on "The Rise and
Fall of the Mustache' was received with
apparent delight. He followed the his
tory Of the average boy, whom, to person
ify, he called Tom, through the trials Of
childhood and youth, describing minu-
tely his efforts at a mustache. Tom is
unfortunate enough to suffer from his
mothers terrified arts. She gnaws
around his tonsorial locks with shears that
have cut miles and miles of calico, snutfed
innumcrable candles, trimmed lamp
wicks, opened oyster cans, pried up car
pet-tacks, cleaned and trimmed the fam
lily nails, and many and many tune
have done their level best to cut stove
pipe. She persevercs until from the eff
iects Of this ever-recurring season for
cropping his locks Tom becomes an OBJ
ject of terror in the neighborhood.
Finally, impelled by fate, he sits down
in a BARRIERS chair, and musters courage
to call fer ga shave when an Esau dark
ems the door and he has his hair cut
again. The barber finds the boys close
ly cut head very old pasturage for his
ordinary apparatus, so he holds Toms
hair in his teeth and lies it, then FURNISH
es it, and finally parts it with straight
edge and scratch-all. Long before this
epoch in Toms history he has cast lcng-
ing eyes on the ancestral shaving ma
chine at home. 1t is not necessary to
follow the process by which he obtains
possession of the paternal razor,
but it is scarce in his keeping be-
fore the blade buckles on him. 'sFirst
blood" is claimed and allowed for the
steel. He manages to nick it, but con-
soles himself with the thought that his
''tather will never notice it, He soaks
it with water at $50 degrees Fahrenheit
and slaps 1t against his cheek, as he has
seen his father do-and swears as he had
never heard his father swear A series
of grimaces comfort the upper lip into
proper shape to receive the razor. All at
once Tenn, perceiving the embarrassing
ncarness Ut the nose, falls to specializing
why mans upper lip is so situated that
he himself cannot get at it except by
standing on his head.
After long and exciting "tilt, Toms
upper lip suggested free fight in straw
cutter. In time Tom gets his mustache
to that stage where it can be felt-is felt,
soft felt. His sister suggests that he
shave it with spoonful of cream and the
family cat, and at this raillery he smiles,
but with smile that looks as if it had
come up there to weep at the baroness of
the landscape. The mustache is very
short III the middle, and very-no longer
at the ends. Meanwhile, he falls in love
with some one, which causes necktie
epidemic, in which he tries to find colors
that will match his mustache or Laura's
dress. He brushes his mustache to make
1t stand out and wakes it to make it lie
down; he prays for it and swears at it, and
resorts to magic dyes that are warrant
ed not to stain or injurc the skin" The
first application blackens his lip so much
that the room gets darker-but each in
dlvidual hair is unstained and untainted.
Rugged out in boots too small at both
ends, he formulates nice speeches on his
way to see Laura. He passes from the
weather to philosophy, poetry, and to
business, all in Imagination
But as he nears the door he feels his
ideas breaking up like an early spring.
His thoughts-each, every, all and sever
al, on all subjects that he ever knew about
or ever hoped to learn of-vanished. His
record that night as he leaves her home
conyinces him that he is not very brill
liant, original, conversational success. His
pillow that night contains more sleepless-
ness than the mosquito that sat up all
night to sample martyrs blood He
hates everybody, and though he may live
to be as old as an army overcoat he will
never again feel the same degree of ecstat-
lc wretchedness and heavenly foriornness
as he feels that night.
Mr.. Burdette saw Tom safely taken UP,
" if not taken in" by Laura, triumphantly
interview "pa" and "ma;;" described the
alteration between these two about Tom,