, 1878-07-11
How to Restore the Navy.

'"'N 'N'-N iAlbb, soit IllS Wv SNu
Dog, rubbing his horny hands together
Il have great faith in Putty. And sup.
pose if my predecessor in Office had paid
more attention to Putty, the Navy
wouldn't be where it row is. | rcmem.
ber," he continued, With sort Of n. Il
by s. glance at the post, "what Putty did
for me when | was II boy. | had boat
built by myself with my own jack. knife
that carried II browu-poper main sail, and
| thought it would beat any boat on the
raging Wabash. She looked well on the
kitchen table, but when | put her to sea,
she invariably went down. Invariably
| tished her up again - but float she
wouldn't
MANY hours, alas, scquestrsted from
scholastic exercise to ascertain the rea
son for her lack Of buoyancy, but with.
out avail; till at last, one mNrnirg,
Eureka | discovered that tie chip, from
which she was instructed, was full of
worm-hOles. Then, then discovered
the use of putty | puttied up those
worm-holes. Putty saved my boyhood's 8
craft, and Putty shall now save the
American Navy
And the hero of the Wabash canal
hitchcd up his trousers, waved about the
room, and requested the reporter to shiv-
er his tarry top-lights.
Grog and tobacco ratiOns being Sc
cured, the reporter ventured to ask in
what way Patty was to be used.
"lt you were an older man," replied
the Secretary, 'you wouldn't ask that
question. What WAS the trouble with my
boat on the raging Wabashl Worm
eaten. What is the trouble with the
American Navy2 Worm-eaten, toom
You mean the hullsl" the reporter
asked.
"What dyer say7" shouted the Secrc-
tary; "lhe hulls3 Yes, the hull darned
concern-root, stock, an branchw
"Where would you propose to--to
p-putty up the athir9" inqriled the re-
porter, in some tIepidation.
This seemed so important question
that, before answering it, the hero Of n
hundred canal-storms served another
grog ration. Then he hitched his chair
nearer the reporter and whispered:
Right herel I'd commence right
here: The trouble with the American
Navy is that it's leaky."
"The ships2"
"Shiyer the ships They don't amount
to shucks. It's the bureaus that are
leaky"
Now the reporter had heard of orna.
mental sideboards and rocking.chairs,
and other fancy furniture having been
put aboard ship by our luxurious naval
otficers-but bureaus more dear and
apropos to the feminine soul than to
ships-burcaus, never! And if the hu-
reaus did leak, how should that affect
the navyi Too much conjecturing made
the reporter sad, and he wanted to go
home, but duty forbade, and he could
only murmur, interrogatively, "Bureausl"
Gay, my hearty" cried the Secre.
tary, "they all leak. The Bureau of
Equipment and Repairs, the Bureau of
Yards and Docks, the Bureau of Con.
struction, the Bureau of Steam Engi-
neering, are all leaking The Navy
Yards leak; zoe leak here-and," with
q lurch to leeward, as he put his finger
to his nose, "l'm not sure but I'm leak.
ing to YOU"
"But how is Putty going TO help youp
"Well, first and foremost, there's the
ships. We've got any quantity of iron.
clads that would sink if they weren't
aground on the iron.rust that has scaled
from their sides. Now, water can't get
through putty. Why shouldn't l putty
the iron clads2"
"And the wooden shipsl"
"Better and betterl We've got dozens
of wooden ships with a heroic record,
that are only kept aaoat by the buoy
ancy of the barnacles on their bottoms.
Putty is the thing for them, too"
"But your bureausl"
The sad-eyed Navigator of the Wa
bash hove sigh (nautically speaking, it
is the only thing he ever does heave),
then ordered grog, and moodily re-
marked:
"Grog is good!" He remained sunk
in deep thought for many minutes, at
length he raised his head and asked:
"My son, when you were boy, did
you ever play WITH Putty"
Certainly" the reporter replied; "ter-
rible stuff So soft so sticky! Dough's
a delight compared to It'll"
"Did you ever" inquired the Secre
tary, pursuing train of thought, "did
you ever, when handling Putty, find it
possible TO employ your hands in any
thing elseY"
Certainly nOtl"
"Then," cried the Secretary, 'if were
to supply plenty of Patty to the Bu-
reaus, and mark it 'Public Property"
don't you think the Bureaus, with their
Commissioners and Deputies, and econd
Assistants, and the rest, would plunge
their hands in it to the relief of the
public treasury"
True" answered the reporter at is
so. Selah"
ut shall be done," murmured the tar
~ old she'll back, and, as he seemed to
be about to wear ship, the reporter pro-
ceeded to withdraw.-Puck.
UNKNOWN REaIoNs.- According to an