Ottumwa weekly courier. (Ottumwa, Wapello County, Iowa) 1872-1899, 1878-05-29
Deacon Peppers PhonOgraph.
Hotc 1t Conducted Prayer Meeting
to the Great Spiritual Edison ifcd-
tion Of the Brethren and Sisters.
Brother Williams In Puck.

i
Brother Williams In Puck
The Deacon is-or rather was,
good man and class leader in tn,
Brownsville Church. He visited
New York recently, and wandered
into an establishment where severa
monographs were on exhibition anG
for sale. He became much interest.
ed in the instrument; and when hi
spoke into the mOuth-piece of one OF
the machines and heard his OWL
words ground out with startling
distinctness, he manifested his as.
tonishment in one prolonged
"W-h-e-w
Then happy thought struck him
He usually made brief address Al
class meetings on Friday evenings
and he suddenly conceived the idea
of speaking his piece in the phono.
graph, purchasing the invention, and
surprising the brethren and sisters al
the next meeting. The idea was car.
ried into execution to some extent
The deacon charged the phonograph
with an appropriate address, and
while he was bargaining with the
owner of the instrument, In another
part OF the room, rough, bushy.
whiskered individual, attired in cor
duroy pantaloons and q speckled
shirt, slipped in unobserved and
howled q lot of stuff into the same
machine. The Deacon paid for and
carried off the phonograph, entirely
ignorant of the frightful sentences in
jected into it by the rough person,
who, as subsequent events proved,
was the intellectual driver of mule
team, and not very choice in his lam
guage.
The next day was Friday, aud in
the evening the deacon marched into
the church with his phonograph under
his arm, and his face illuminated with
. radiant smile.
"My friends" he commenced, ~
have a little surprise for you. 1 do
not intend to address you this even
ing. have brought substitute to
speak for me. This little instrument
l have here (holding up the phono.
graph) will now address you briefly
on your duty to the church and to
suffering humanity"
Then the deacon, with q smile ex-
tending from ear to ear, gave the
crank . couple Of turns, and all the
color faded from his face as the pho
nograph Numbered forth:
"Git up there you dashed old Grip.
pie! Whoa, Sal! you blind"
1t was awful.
The hair of the brothers in the front
pews stood straight up, q sister in
the back part of the house tainted
dead away, and the sexton yelled
''fire I"
"There-is-some-
take-hcre," gasped the deacon after
q few minutes of painful silence. ~
must have turned the crank the
wrong way-or maybe the Inch pin
is loose, or the safety valve has lost a
screw, or something" And, per-
spring at every pore, the deacon es-
sayed another turn, and the machine
yelled:
"Gee, Bill! Where in the dasha-
ton are you going, you son of q mule
Peddi-whoa-a-a! Blast your eyes,
can't you"
The awfnlness became more aw.
full.
Three more sisters tainted, several
brothers clapped their hats on their
heads and their fingers into thcir
ears, and started for the door, shout.
ing "police 7" and the sexton hallooed
murder" while the deacon wildly
clutched the phonograph by the neck
and choked it until it was black in
the face, and its eyes bulged out an
inch.
But twas no use. The internal ar.
rangements Of the machine were evi-
IDENTITY demoralized, and the cylinder
continued to revolve, grinding out
the most frightful language ever
heard outside ofa political ward con.
vertion and when the audience were
saluted with "I'll knock your dashed
brains out, you long-eared-" they
didn't wait for the remainder of the
address," but got up as one man
and one w0man-and made q dash
for the door in q decidedly panic
stricken manner! The deacon, with
his face the color of small pox flag
threw the phonograph over the pul,
pit, sprang after it, and kicked it down
the aisle into the street, where the
sexton smashed it with an axe, just al
the deacon's address began to issue
from its mouthpiece, and then placed
it under the hydrant and let stream
Of water run on it all night.
A committee was appointed ON the
spot to investigate what appeared tc
be the deaeon's highly improper and
painful conduct, and the well-mean.
ing person has concluded to move
West and grow up with the country