The Manitowoc pilot. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1859-1932, 1878-09-05
Il the Australian q Mani
Some one thus humOrously attem

Some one thus humorOusly attempts
10 let out She innocent Australian from
any charges Of being man and brother.
WHO would have thought of looking
for comic sections in a nigger's halr!
Whatever we might have looked to flnd
there, comic sections are the last things
we would have expected to come out OF
a nigger's head. And yet if you will
only examine into the thing-with a
microscope-you will find applied math-
emaucs o0Zing ont nf the heads OF
niggerdom at tho rate of a pennyweight
t. the dish--or words TO that effect.
The proof is to be obtained by expert
ment, and is simple enough, though 1t
involves process which comes uncOm-
monty near to hair-splitting. The fol-
lowing is the scientific me- hod:-Take
as much copper as will make sixpence.
Produce All aboriginal, and place the
copper in the palm Of his hand. Hay-
ing done this, impress upon him the
necessity OF remaining perfectly quiet;
and While doing so. keep stirring the
Cot'pNi SSuGN Will o4lC liii-Ois Jsh'S ~
give him All idea of the deceitfulness
of riches. This, by the way, Will sup
ply palmary instance Oh the effect OF
copper OF the nervous system. Next,
lay the patient on the of side of his
back; then take his head off, and, as a
precautionary measure, wash 1t with
soap and water. This done, extract
from the head a good, moral healthy
looking hair, and make thereof a trans
verse section. You may then either
throw away the hair, or restore it 10
your lay-hgure; but, for the life of you,
stick to the transverse section. At this
stage, you may be allowed to recruit
your exhausted energies, which can be
done at any time, baTrii-g G church hours,
for the sum Of threepence. The patient
may now be discharged, but again we
say adhere 70 the transverse section.
Next procure triple achronatie OBJ
jectivs miscroscope (you can get an ex-
celIent one for q hundred pounds); place
the transverse section on Slide under
the objective; turn lot CT screws and
things and close one eye. If the other
eve be then properly directed, the Sec
ton will present itself to your view as
q perfect ellipse. Is that all? All? IN
deed. Isn't that enough? Lave you
any idea of the tremendous consequent
ces that hang upon that elhptical sec
ton. Nothing less than your aboriginal
Australian is neither a man or broth
er-no, not even a sister! Nothing less
than that Adams Fall has had no more
effect on him than the Fall of Niagara
certainly less effect than fall in
wool. Science and constitutional his
tory together have now satisfactorily
established that Adam was member for
the cylindrical districts only. Bush
missions are therefore an historical
anomaly, and all because of that little
ellipse. For why should we 90 for to
Sasten petty larceny, in the shape Of
little apples, on their original progeni-
tors, and call on them to flee from the
inherited condemnation, when it was
our father and mother that did the
dirty deed? Oh, it is mean! Fellow
citizens, why fasten our dismal cylin-
drical-haired theology on the innocent
elliptcal-haired races? Let Messrs.
Campbell and Westwood Reverend"
by all means) consult their microscopes
before they ask for another siXpence.
"Stupendous heresy!' we fancy we
hear them saying. Well, we are glad
of that. That is just what we mean it
to be. Uersey is our forte, and it is
every mans bOunden duty to find out
his forte and stick to it. And, by the
way, we may as we'll mention that the
above experiment admits OF being
shortened by several stepa. The re-
suit will be the same if you begin
with, first catch your hair.