The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-10-25
FACTS AND FANcIEs.


A fat take-Taking two hundred
pound lady.
Who ever mailed letter the same day
his wife gave it to him to deposit in the
pOstoff1ce?
Immediately after every hard wind,
farmers come into town with lots Offresh
hand-picked apples.
In Wales a signboard reads: Take
notice, that when this board is under wa
ter, the road is impossible
There is a man in Washington the
most powerful in the country. He car
ries horse scar on his cheek.
Here are two things fellow can't do
at the same time-hold a gOOd-lOOking
girl on his lap and keep from kissing
her.
A man who buried four or five wives in
Wayne county, Ind, was notified not to
marry any more until they started new
cemetery.
a gent addressed passionate love let
ter to a lady, adding: Postscript: Please
send a speedy answer; somebody else in
in my eye"
Plug hats are good for something-b
we hain't found out yet what the fellows
who wear them are good for. This is a
conundrum.
A vegetable vender was whipping his
horse. Have you no mercy ?" inquired
an old woman who was passing mo,
nothing but green's"
A shrewd trader says there are two rea-
sons why he does not trust a man-one
because he does not know him, and the
nfhor hp0Qncn he does
A very fat man sent an order to the of
fee for two seats in a coach for himself.
The clerk engaged him one seat outside
and the other one inside.
When Bill Vanderbilt gave $500 to
the Y. F. fund, the committee said "Bon!'
But when the Ledger man trumped it
with 81 900, they cried, "Bonnerr'
An exchange calls on young men who
don't like to work to cheer up. Twelve
of them in one little town have lately
succeeded in marrying school mistresses.
This world is all t1eeting show, to
which everybody has a complimentary
ticket. When he goes out he passes in
his checks and is not allowed to return.
| A New York man has made straight
Jump of fourteen feet and three-quarter
| inches. The papers say for wager, but
he must have had political office ahead
of him.
When farmers are suffering from the
drought and want rain they ought not to
pray for it. If they really want rain,
they should make arrangements for big
base ball match.
There are lots of men who will ride
through the streets by the side of a col
ored coachman, but you can't hire them
to sit at the same table with him or ride
next to one in street car.
GLOW shall Earn a Living?' is the
title of an article in cotemporary. Per
haps it never occurred to the writer to
go to work. That is the best way we
know of to earn living.
Squire Smiths mouth is disfgured
with the loss of one of his front teeth.
His little daughter surprised him lately
by asking: Papa, why do you part
your teeth in the middle?''
Two booom-sellers were rivals. One
said to the other: How can you under.
sell me, for steal the stuff and make the
brooms myself, ''Why," replied the
other, 81 steal them ready made. -
A good woman, seeing youth emerge
from a tavern, said: II am sorry to see
y Ou OGt Vi "
the young man responded: "Why, mad
am, would you have me stay there all the
time? '
A nobleman sold man horse, war.
ranting he had no fault. The man took
the horse on his lordship's word, and
found him blind in one eye. His lord
ship said: at is not a fault, but mis-
fortune"
Grandfather-"YOu are stupid, Char
lie; the dullest boy ever saw" Char.
lie-"YOu mustn't expect me to under
stand things as quick as you do, grand
father; because you don't have the trouble
to get 'em through your hair"
The funeral services of San Francis
coan were delayed by the hardness of the
clergyman. 'While we are waiting u
said one of the mOurners, 'our friend
Mr.. Walters, will oblige us with recita-
ton" Mr.. Walters obliged, reciting
"The Raven"
Puck: The sides, the ends and the GOV.
er of an old trunk may be from time to
time completely replaced in the course
of continued repairs, but the labels that
mark the fact that it made trip to Eu-
rope in the year 1867, remain unchanged
, and decidedly conspicuous.
= What is an editor Am editors biz
ness is to write editorials, grind out poet
ry, sort manuscripts, keep mighty big
waste basket, steal matter, fite other peo
pies battles, take white beans and apple
sass for pay when he can get it, work
nineteen hours out of twenty-four, and be
damned by everybody.
A clergyman, in speaking of one of his
pensioners who was so go given to ar
gument that it was difficult to converse
with him on any subject, said: Brother
-- is SO argumentative that he will
dispute with guide post about the dis
lance to the next town, and argue with &
tombstone as to the truth of its epitaph.'