The Cambria freeman. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1867-1938, 1878-01-18


get out of IT, was the response of the
| Highlander as he went on his way.
| Mistress of herself was the spouse of the
! gentleman who contrived to tumble off the
| ferry into the Mississippi, and was en-
| couraged to ruggle for dear life by his
| better-half shouting: ''Therej Samuel !;
! didn't tell you so? Now then work your
| legs, flap your arms, hold your breath, and
| repeat the Lords Prayer, for it's mighty
unsartin, Samuel, eternity ?''
| Thoroughly oblivious Of court manners
| vas the red-cloalled old Kentish dame W ho
| found her way into the tent occupied by
Queen Charlotte, at volunteer review
| held shortly after her coming to England
| aud after staring az the roy al lady with her
arms akimbo, observed "Weil, she's not
so ugly as they told me she was pa COM
| pliment the astouished queen gratefully ac
cepted. iyng: ''Weli, my good woman,
| am very glad Of that" Probably Hen
Majesty forgave her critic's rudeness as the
on come of rustic ignorance ard simplicity.
There is no cooler man than your simple
fellow. While General Thomas was in
specling the for'ificatlons of Chattanooga
with General Garfield, tliey heard some one
shout: "EeIlo, mister! You! | want to
speak to you y General Thomas turning,
found he was the ''mister" so politely hailed
by an East Tennessean soldier.
"Well, my man., said he, what DO you
want with me?''
IL want 10 get furlough, mister that's
what want" was the reply.
''Why do you want a furlough, my man?"
inquired the General,
Wall, l want to 60 home and see my
wife"
Glow long is it since you saw he. ?"
Ever since L enlisted nigh on to three
mouths''
Three months - exclaimed the com
mande:. why my good fellow, | have
not seen my wife for three years -
The Tennessean looked iucreC ulous and
drawled out: "WalI, you see, me and ma
wife amt hat sort -
The Postmaster General OF the United
States once received an odd official COM
muulcatlon the RaebUrn postmaster, new
10 hiS GutleS, wIltmg to bis superior {:
| Seeing 10y the regulations that | am re-
quiIed to send you letter of advice,
must pleaC in excuse that / have been
postmaster, but short time but | will
say, |; your office pays no better than mine
advise you to give it up" To this day
that Posjmaster-General has not decided
whether his subordinate was an ignoramus
or as quietly p"king fun at him.
Spite of the old axiom about self-praise
many are of opinion that the world is ant
! to take "a man at his own valuation IL
| that be true, there IA church dig nitary in
I n.
whose examining bishop felt it requisite
to send for the clergyman recommending
him for ordination, in order to tell him to
keep that young man in check adding by
way of explanation Il had the greatest
difficulty, sir, to prevent him examining
me y This not to be abashed candidate
Tor clerical honors promises To be as worthy
OF the cloth as the American minister who
treated bis village congregation to one of
Mr.. Beecher's sermons unaware that popu-
lar brooklyn preacher made one of his
hearers. AccOstinp him after service, Mr.
Beecher said: That WIS u fair discourse !:
bow long did it take y"u to write ii? ?''
''Oh, l tossed OF one evening"" was the
reply.
Indeed - said Mr.. Bracher. "Wen. it
took me much longer than that to think
out the framework of that serEon.''
''Are you Henry " ard Beecher?" asked
the sermon stealer.
Il ann said that gentleman
''Well, them s1id the other, not in the
least disconnected, ''all | have to say is,
that | amt ashamed to preach one of your
sermons anywhere"
We do not know if Coleman invented the
phrase, LAS cool as i cucumber;'' but he
| makes the Irishman in "The Heir at Law
says: "lhese two must be "A rich man that
won't leid and borrower, for one is trot-
ting about in great distress aud t'other
stands cool as a cucumber.'' OF the Jwp.
the latter was more likely to have been in
tending a raid on another mans purse, for
the men whose every trade is Borrowing
are usually, we might say necessarily, the
coolest of the cool like Bubb Doddngton' $
lmpecrnious acquaintance, who, rushing
across Bond street, greeted Doddingtou
with Il IN delighted to see you, for am
wonderfully i'll wan, of a guinea
Taking out his purse, Bubb showed that
it held but half IA gnnea.
"A thousand thanks r. cried his tormen
tor, deftly seizing the coin ''that will do
very well for the present - and then
changed the conversation. But asihe turned
to take leave. he inquired blythe by,
when will you pay me that half guinea ?"
Pay you2 What do you mean ?'' ex
claimed Doddington.
''Mean2 Why, intended to borro W a
guinea of you. | have only got half; but
IN not i'll hurry foI t'other Name your
own time. only pray keep it ~ saying
which, he disappeared round the coroner.
John PhpnIx.' the American humor:st,
being one night at theatre, faucied he
saw friend some three seats in front of
MN. turning TO his next neighbor he
SAID : Nv ould You be kind enough to
touch that gentleman with your stick ?''
Certainly was the reply, and that thing
was done, but when the individual thus as
sduiteu turned, Ft.puiX saw lie was not the
man lie .cok him for, and became at once
absorbed in the play, leaving his friend
with the stick to settle matters with he
gentleman in front, which, as he had no
excuse handy, was not done without CON
siderable trouble. When the hubbub was
over the victim said !: Didn't you tell
me TO tap hat man with my stick ?''
Yes. And. what did you want ?'' ''O,''
SAID Phoenix, with impertu; bable gravity.
Il wanted to see whether you would tap
him or not ~
Jack Holiness" a n-about-town, liv-
ing no one knew how, was once under cross
examination by a certain sergeant at-law,
who knew his man too well. Now, SIR
said the learned gentleman, ''tell the jury
how you live ~
"Weii," said Holmes, "chop or
steak, and on Sunday perhaps little bit
OF fish ; | am very plain-lving man."
You know what | mean, SIR" thun-
dered the questioner. "What do you do
for a living ?''
The same as you, sergeant" said the
witness tapping his forehead suggestively.