The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1878-09-21
No Place for "A Weary Sinner.


with considerable concern asked what was the
matter
I've been too church," sighed the weary
one.
"Now
Fact; first time in eight years, though.
Wheww
What church did you go to-"
THE Episkipple. Whew"
What the devil ails you, MANI"
"Wcll, it amt no place for Il man to go to
that puts in Il weeks hard work and wants to
rest on Sunday What with gettin' up an
kneein', an bcndin' ones back an straight
enn' it, an chippin' in 10 help the parson out,
II Teller might as well put in an hour an Il
half at Il gymnasium. It's too much like
work."
Then the two prominent citizens went into
the leading saloon and played pedro and hoist
ed beer for five hours without getting bit
tired.
"lIavc YOU ever been in PRISON." asked Il
lawyer OF witness, whom he was disposed to
badger and bully, as the profession are apt to
do.
Yes, sir"
"When?"
In 1868"
Where"
AT Andcrsonyille!"
lntIc WIS lllollcnluIS PAUSE loI pIcdtH,
and then round of applause that shook the
court room That lawyer fell, all the rest of
the day, AS if an inch and half hose attached
to a street hydrant was playing to the tune Of
the "Roguc's March" up and down his spinal
column.
Three roistcring commercial travellers, meet
ing one winter evening, had hearty carouse
together. Supper over, the three found some
al, civ
of the bid; but one of them at length cut short
the dispute by proposing that whoever had
the "OldcSt name" among them should 90 scot
free, the expenses being halved by the other
two This amendment being promptly aC-
cepted, No. produced acard inscribed, "Rlch-
ard Eve" which No. trumpcd with adam
Brown" Then No. 3 a portly veteran with a
humorous gray eye. laid down his card and
remarked, II don't much think you'll beat
this 'un, gents" And he was right, for the
name was Mr.. b. Ginning"
People have different notions of time. A
landlord, who is his own rentcOllector, recent
" called on an old tenant, who with pale,
trembling lips taltered, Pm very sorry, but
times are so hard, and--andI am not quite
ready. Ifyou could only giveme little time"
We'll, well YOU have always been good pay
er," said the landlord "A little tinle--ef {?
Certainly. am going up stairs and-l will
look in as | come down.
They were talking about the weight of differ
ent individuals in a certain family in Newark
the other evening, and the daughters young
man spoke up before he thought and said Il
tell you that Jenny isn't so very light, either,
although she looks So And then he looked
suddenly conscious and blushed and Jenny
became absorbed in studying chrome on the
wall
"What is the defendants character for
truth and veracty?' asked Il Maine lawyer of
a witness. wall, now, squire, she alters used
me fust-rate, I'll be blowcd if she didn't. As
for voracity, squire why bless you, that air
gal eat whole" Here the judge asks the
witness if he understands the qucstion.-Bos
ton Transcript.
Bishop Wilson of Calcutta was travelling TO
his diocese, when a breeze sprung up, then al
squall, and at last matters got so bad that the
skipper came below with a grave countenancc.
My lord" SAID he "in u very few minutes
yOr will be IN heaven Dear, dear cjacu-
lated the bishop, chow .e,Y horriblcn
"Johnny,' said sporting Third ward faith
er, johnny, what have you got in your fist "
Two pears" said Johnny. "Good hand,
said the absentmindCd parent, take the pot
then he bushed, and, pointing to Il brass ket
tic, he added, "to your mother"
Mamma (who has been screaming AT the top
of her voice for over ten minutes 10 Johnny,
who has just crawled down from the hay-lotp:
You naughty, naughty boy, Why didn't
You answer me before" Johnny very limo
Gently: 81 didn't hear you TIL you called
free or four times"
A native OF Paddyland asked nelghbor If
he had ever seen red blackberry. "Shure,
an have" said Pat. "All blackberrics are
red when they are Crane"
Traveler-"IIi. guard? Have YOU seen a
man waiting about with one eye OF the name
Of Walker" Guard (musingly)-"N-no, sir;
! dunno as 'av. What was the name OF the
other eyt, cir:'
\ prisoner was arraigned to plead to an in,
dictment for burglary He SAID he wasn't
ready to plead, and didn't care to plead either
way adding: I'll tell you, Judge, Just how
the matter hangs; it | don't get bail tomOr-
row morning, I'm going to plead guilty, and
# do ! amt. See
\ lively urchln accosted the proprietor of one
Of our stores the other day with, Mister please
gimme stick of liquorice, your clerk goes
with my sister,
4 child was called as a witness in a Charles
ton court The opposing lawyer asked her if
she knew where liars went when they died
and objected to her testimony when she an
swered no. We'll, that question has not been
settled by anybody satisfactorily" said the
Judge.
Irishman upon his arrival in the United
States noticing the great number of military
title, exclaimed, What a devil of battle has
been fought near here, where all the privates
were kilt"
CELERY SALT-If YOU mix celery root,
which has been dried and grated, with one
fourth It's quantity of salt il makes q nice sea