Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1878-02-19
Mr.. Duffy's Valentine.

same Lnlng; put IL was jim Dufy'S DC
culiar fortune that while he loved bu
one woman, two women loved him.
Miss Smith was the beautiful blue; eve
being to whom he had given his hear
and to whom he would cheerfully hav
given his liver or his ribs, or any othe
portion Of his framework if the custom
of society had made an anatomical SUI
render proper. Miss Clamm was the ia
ded flower who had fixed her battere,
Iandvenerable affections upon Mr., Duff
without any, prQyocation. having beef
/ offered by him, and Mr.. Duffy, hate,
| Clamm with quite as much intensity a
| he loved Smith, because -U1afnfn oWoul,
always fasten to him at the church meet
ings and the evening companies, an,
1 gush over to him in the presence Of peo
pie, and insist upon his company hom,
at the very moment when he had deter
mined to escort Miss Smith. ne-s-s5lI
And so. when st. Valentines, da,
came round, Duffy thought it would b,
clever idea to send proposal of mar.
riage to Miss Smith, and at the same
time to cool the enthusiasm of Clannn
with an outrageous comic valentine o
some kind. He procured one of these
Immediately, and then wrote tohis only
Smith a note beginning with Dearest
and ending with Yours, till death. p
Unhappily, it came to pass that Mr..
Duffy placed each of these papers in the
wrong envelope, and while the comic
affair went away to Smith, direct pro-
posal proceeded to Clamm. Nothing
could have been more unfortunate, for
no sooner did the aforesaid Clamm re
ceiye Duffy's note than she suddenly did
up her back hair, put on her. bonnet, as
sumed her umbreliaand gum shoes, and
started by the shortest known route to
James Dufy's residence.
When the front door was opened she
dashed past the hired girl and into the
sitting-room, where, finding Jim read
ing newspaper, she flung her arms
about his neck, dropped her head upon
his shoulders and her umbrella upon his
corn, and exclaimed: 81 ri''i i'f'''' an
'Take me, take me, James! Take
me. dearest! I am yours-yours forev-
err" ..+.t -.
As soon as Mr.. Duffy regained his
presence of mind he struggled to Olsen
gage himself, while he attempted to ex-
plain to her that he should not take her:
that he did not want her; that she was
not his forever or for five minutes; and
that if she did not remove her forehead
from his vest, and her umbrella from
the vicinity of his toe, he should be
compelled to call the police. But Miss
Clamm would hear no explanation.
She nestled closer and closer to his
waistcoat, and cried into his watch
pocket, and kept plunging her umbrella
about with such erratic vigor that Mr..
Dufy's left foot continually executed
one half of the waltz movements in an
effort to save its most sensitive exores-
cence from torture. But, at last, when
Clamm murmured something about fix
ing the wedding-day, and making it
soon, Jim Duffy tore himself away and
fled to the garret, where he locked the
door and tied the trap down with a rope,
lest the invincible Clamm should burst
in upon him from that direction.
Meanwhile Miss Smith received the
comic valentine, and recognizing Duff
fy's handwriting on the envelope she
was deeply panied, and she thought she
might Indirectly obtain comfort and an
explanation OF the matter by calling on
her bosom friend, the sister of Mr.. Duf-
fy. So she sailed out and reached the
house. 1t happened by a very strange
coincidence that her bonnet and cloak
bore kind Of general appearance to
those worn by Miss Clamm, and Duffy,
when he heard the door-bell ring, looked
out from the garret window and felt per
fectly certain that the remorseless Miss
Clamm had returned for the purpose of
impressing more firmly upon his mind
that she was his forever, and he could
take her. So Duffy did a most scanda-
lous and ungentlemanly thing. He
emptied a bucket of water out of the
window upon the figure below. ,
Miss Smith went home damp and in
dignant. A little while after her re-
turn, Clamm, being in pursuit of her
Duffy. called upon Miss Smith, hoping.
to find him there. She waited in the
parlor while Miss Smith changed her
clothing, and meanwhile it really &C.
Cured to Mr.. Duffy to go to Smiths and
ask for an answer to his proposal. 1t
was sunny day and snow was upon
the ground. The parlor and entry were
gloomy, and when Duffy went in he
could hardly see handbreath before
him. But the eye of Miss Clamm was up
on him. AS he came into the parlor she
flew toward him. He perceived the in
distinct outline of woman's figure
He was of course sure that it was Miss
Smith, and he felt certain that she was
about to express her feelings by action
rather than in language. So Duffy fold
ed her in his arms and kissed her fore
head, and asked her if she really loved
him. She whispered yes, and as she
stood there, while his heart overflowed
with joy, and he wondered why Miss
Smith should sit in her own parlor with
her umbrella in her hand, the wind
blew one Of the shutters open suddenly,
and, at tho game moment, In walked
Miss Smith. .
1t was But no. I shall not at
tempt to describe that situation. 1t is
impossible. Everybody was agitated
but Clamm. James Duffy was dumb
founded and horror r-stricken-Miss
Smith was amazed and furious but
Clamm was collected, she was coel-she
appeared to enjoy everything; and she
would probably have fallen upon Jim
Dufy's shoulder again and cooed, mere
ly to let Miss Smith see how nice it
was, had not Duffy lodged as he saw
her coming, and permitted her to smash
her bonnet against the sofa cushion.
Then Mr.. Duffy undertook to tell
Miss Smith how it was, but naturally.
after all that had happened, she was too
much enraged to hearken to him, and
she ordered both visitors from the house.
They departed, Clamm with the hook
of her umbrella handle firmly fixed in
the pocket of James Duffy's overcoat.
But when they reached the street,
Duffy, in his agony and anger, express
ed his feelings upon the subject of
Clamm in such violent and unmistak-
able manner that even she was con-
vinced. And when she asked him if he
intended to marry her, and he said no,
she left him and proceeded at once to
lawyer, who began suit for breach of
promise against Duffy, and took it into
court the next week. Duffy's letter
to Smith was read in evidence, and
Clamm made Smith testify as to the pro-
ceedings in her parlor, which cut up the
defendant horribly. Clamm herself sat
there all the time weeping fer the pur-
pose of narrowing up the feelings Of the
jurymen, who gave a verdict of $1,000
damages to the plaintiff, wkereupon the
said plaintiff instantly began to organ
ize war upon fresh man.
Jim Duffy il still single. I know
him well He Senms to hate vvonnou