The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1878-12-05
Things Wise and Otherwise.
BY JOE RANsolrE.

The great majority of people are
firmly convinced that the late confession
of Elizabeth" with regard to 'Henry
Ward" is a re-lie-able document.
"Pa," questioned little Johnny Marsh,
"DO you think Bob IngersOll is right?'
''I'll tell you what think" growled
the old man, eff both Of you don't do
different from what you are doing now,
you'll have warm conviction Of what
awaits you in the next world"
Trout-fshing being in order, the rod is
taken down, and the reel and line and
flies examined, and, as the husband
remarks: tomorrow Will be a fine
dav," the wife of his bosom answers.
''Yes, for cleaning house, andyOu'u have
to take down the stoves and take up and
shake the carpets and do the white
washing, and all alone this year, times
are so hard" Thus is our liberty cur
tailed, our brightest dreams nOn-sOot-ed
and we made slaves of feminine czars.
Have men no longer any rights or feel
ing, OF is all of freedom to be crushed
out?
"Cau the next case," said his honor,
and a man struggled up to the bar with
his face looking as if he had been fool
ing with a briar-patch and a compound,
double-iointed, high pressure threshing
machine. He was closely followed by a
woman struggling to get loose from the
grasp of two policemen.
"HoW is this, madame " queried his
honor, with his brOws lowering like
storm clouds, and his voice as the NUT
tering Of thunder. "YOu are accused OF
assault and battery, and the scratched
face, the broken nose and black eyes are
a sight to make angels weep"
''TelI YOU how it was" answered the
prisoner. SO quickly thai the victim
couldn't get in a word edgeways. This
man came into my house and said he
was agent for some new tangled sewing
machine, and"
"That is enough" +" replied his honor.
'fYOu are discharged, my dear madame.
/ You have acted nObly, and your fellow
citizens will, no doubt, reward you with
| a gold medal as large and thick as the
| driving wheel of a locomotive, and erect
a monument over you when dead, as
massive as that Of Bunker Hill. You
are an honor to your sex, madame, and
"Your honor" feebly interpOsed the
victim, "in the hereafter"
There is no hereafter for sewing
machine agents, if the theory Of IngersOll
is correct" was the decisive response.
"Cau the next case"
NIuggins of Michigan street moved the
first Of the month, and had the cuss,
tOmary time with his stove pipe. OF
course it wouldn't 60 together, and OF
course he lost his temper and used
strong language. But at last after ham
mer1ng away for half an hour, and spoil
ing things generally, he conceived &
brilliant idea.
'Marv," he said to his wife, 'I've go
it now" and he dashed out Of doors anC
ran down the street, while she gazed a
him with pity in her eyes and an aproI
over her head, and wondered If he haC
not been drinking and was Threatened
with the jimjams.
"Hook," he exclaimed, rushing int
the tin-shOp and upsetting stacks OF pan
and kettles, "can you make me lengtl
of stove pipe with another and anothe
inside, something after the manner Of
telescope|
Ben thought he couId-One with an,
number inside like a Chinese puzzle
and which, if filed with lenses WOul
enable him to see the north pole; ant
soon the brilliant idea Of Mugglns wa
worked { E in iron, and with smle
upOn his face and the invention unde
his arm he strutted home and cOnhdentl
said to the wife of his bosom: "IhereI
be no more trouble, Mary Ann. Neve
was such a glorious idea. Every day
hall be hailed as the greatest benefacto
IF the human race. Just hold up tn
other length, and III show you how tn
thing works. All you have to do is t
turn this crank and
"Heavensl Mercy! Fire! Murder,
screamed Mrs. Muggins.
"What IN thunder Is the matter now
he questioned.
you've got my fingers jammed b
tween the edges and are cutting theI
of, you old fOOl!'
"ShoOl"
She waltzed around blowing and sucL
inc and holding the injured member
and showering down anything but Dles
ings upon him.
aAccidents will happen you know
Mary Ann" he explained IN apology.
CPL accident you, you miserable, ok
, baId-headed clothes-pin! 1 never sa'
such a stupid fool in all my life. Don
YOU see therelI be q big space betwee
the little and the large one and th
: smoke will pour out like Etna? Oh
my poor fingers, I know am cripple
. for life"
extension of the pipe wouldn't fill a 81
inch hole by long shot. Yes. ne sa,
: that, but couldn't exactly understand II
3 said there must be some error IN til
} construction, and battered down sire!
: to blow up the maker, though lratel
muttering that, "sOme women couldn
understand the philosophy Of mechaI
o ism no how"
\ Ben Hook went up to the house an
e gmoothed matters, and then told Mluj
!. Gins he believed he had fortune IN til
I invention. True, it wouldn't work we
a as a stove pipe, but he had better get
: nafented and white washed, and
n around selling it as an adjustable steep
. for country chUrchesl