Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1878-08-14
HUMOROUS.

A CLOSE CALL.-Herman SchuSter,
of st. Louis, awOke the other morning
to find himself dead. That is to say,
the newspapers said he was dead and
that his body was at that moment at
the morgue. Mr. Schuster went to the
place mentioned, and there, sure enough,
found himself laid out on slab, dead
as anybody could wish to be. The fore
head of the corpse was exactly like his
own. The mustache likewise. The
body wouldn't vary in weight five
pounds from the weight of his own.
The clothes of the inanimate person
them himself.
"Vot ish de COLOR of his eyes?" asked
Herman of DIR. Ainburgh.
The doctor turned up the c0rpse's
eyelids and found that the eyes were
blue.
"Dot ish PETER" said Herman, with
long sigh of relief.
"DOt ish not mine pOdy. Dose ice is
plue and mine is plack. GOtt in
himmel! yOt a narrow escape-vot a
CLOSE gall dose wasp
1t was the most remarkable case of
mistaken identity that st. Louis has
had in years.
LETTING THE LORD ALoNK.-Theodore
L. Cuyler, of Brooklyn, who is resting
at DIR. Strong's, was talking with a
Saratoga farmer the other day.
''Hasn't it been too dry for crops,
especially potatoes, around here, and
wouldn't it be a good idea to irrigate
between the rOws?" asked the Brooklyn
divine.
"Tne Lord knows his biz" replied
old slouch-hat. "Jes let the Lord alone,
and the crops III be all right"
swell, my friend, I don't know any
place where the Lord is let more severely
alone than he is around Saratoga" re-
piled DR.. Cuyler.
| AT A little social gathering a duet
was performing by two young ladies,
to the apparent delight OF all the as
sembled guests. The two executants
were doing their utmost to drown one
another, and with such good effect that
one could scarcely have heard the re-
port of cannon fifty yards off. Every
body was radiant, with the exception
of one individual, to whom at length
friend addressed himself: my dear
fellow, what makes you so pensiver'
"Ah" was the reply, ''Pm thinking
of the neighbOrs"
A BENEVOLENT gentleman an passing a
farm house saw baby brandishing a
two inch chisel to its imminent danger.
Taking away the sharp-edged tool he
sought the mother. 81 thought il my
duty" he said, ito tell you that your
little child has got the chisel." son,
SIR" said she, "rm ever so much
obliged 10 you. L knew something was
the matter with that child, and didn't
know what 1t was. They've got it
awful down at Bennington"
"MAxIMs is what ails me-" he said to
the police Judge. "Maxims busted me
wide OPEN" The Court said it would
like an explanation before fixing the
fine. "Well, your Honor" said the
prisoner, 81 drank rye whisky and
didn't get drunk. l remembered that
maxim, try, try again. 1 tried rye
again" Here, that's enough of that"
thundered the Court, "this amt no
circus ring. Ten dollars and costs"
A LITTLE man had threatened to
horse-whip big man. Whip in hand,
he entered restaurant where the big
man was eating, but after short survey
of the back of his enemy, he retreated,
and when asked why he had not carried
his threat into execution, he replied,
"Oh, hang it, that fellow is twice as
big as he was yesterday"
WHEN a man is found dead in the
Black Hills with his skull crushed, his
throat cut, and q bullet holes dis
tributed over his body, the coroner's
jury are five hours deciding whether
his death was caused by violence or
visitation of Divine Providence.
"lF you were in the jungles and
should meet royal Bengal tiger, with
his eyes glaring fire on you, what
would you dO?" inquired one cockney
of another. 81 don't know what |
should do, but know if | was in Bond
street, I'd call cab"
"MR. TAPENTHRED isn't in, l see,"
said an old shopper TO the clerk i'm at
tendance. ''NO'm, he's at home to-day"
81 suppose he's got nothing new."
"Yes'm, he has; he's got pneumonia"
"You don't say so! what are you
getting yard for monia, nOw?"
DID the prophet Isaiah ever eat at
railroad station? 1t certainly looks so,
for how could he have described it so
literally il he had not? "And he shall
snatch on the right hand and be hungry
and he shall eat on the left hand, and
shall not be satisfied"
AN OLD lady in Middlebury, Wis,
crossed over bridge marked "Danger-
Gus" without seeing the sign. On being
informed of the fact on the other side, |
she instantly turned in great alarm ana |
recrossed il.
CERTAINLY there is no other American
manufacture that can, with equal justice |
with Fairbanks Scales, claim the hon.
orable distinction of being a UNIVERSAL |
Commercial Adu.
"PUT the accent on the second sylla-
ble," said the teacher; but William |
pouted and muttered, "He'd be blamed |
if he'd try any more to pronounce that |
word if she called him a silly Bill"
If ONE man fires pistol at another
without intent to kill, il takes twelve |
men on jury to guess what the pistol |
was fired for, and they all give it up.
WHEN the Office seeks the man il |
generally finds him. When the mar
seeks the Office he has to find himself
and pay the boys.
AN ALARM of fire may be false, and
yet not be tolled so by the bells.