Claiborne guardian. [volume] (Homer, La.) 1877-188?, 1878-10-16
Mark Twain az a Candidate.

have pretty mnch made mp my
mind to run for president. What
the country wants is a candidate
who eau not DC injured toy investiga.
ton OF his past history, 80 that the
enemies Of the party will he unable
to rake up against him things that
nobody ever heard of before. ifyou
know the most about a candidate,
to begin with, every attempt to
spring things OH him will he check.
mated. Now, | am going to enter
the field with an open record. am
going to own w in advance to all
the wickeduess | have done, and if
any congressional committee is dis.
posed to prowl around my biography,
in the hope of finding any dark and
deadly deed which I have secreted,
why, let it prowl.
In the first place, | admit that |
did tree rheumatic grandfather of
mine in the winter of 1859. He was
old and inexpert at climbing trees.
But with q heariess brutality that is
characteristic Of me, ran him out
the front door in his night.shirt, at
the point of q shot. gun, and caused
him to bowl up maple tree, where
be remained all night, while l emp.
tied shot into his legs. / did this
because he snored. l will do it
again if / ever have another grand.
father. ! am as inhuman row as l
was in 1850. No rheumatic person
shall snore in my house.
L candidly acknowledge that ran
away at the battle Of Gettysburg.
My friends have tried to smooth
over this fact by asserting that l
merely got behind tree, that l did
80 for the purpose Of initiating
Washington, who went into the
woods at Valley Forge to say his
prayers. 1t is u miserable subter.
fuge. | struck out in a straight
line for the Tropic of Cancer, simply
because / was scared. wanted my
country saved, but l preferred to
have somebody else save her. len.
terrain that preference yet. If the
bubble OF reputation can be obtained
only at the lannon's mouth, I am
willing to 60 there for it, provided
the cannon is empty. lift is loaded,
my immortal and inHexible purpose
is to get suddenly over the fence
and 60 home. My invariable prac-
tice in war has been to bring out OF
any given fgbt two.thirds more men
than l took in. This seems to me
to lie NapoleOnic in its grandeur.
My financial views are of the most
decided character, but they are like.
ly, perhaps, TO increase my pOpAlari-
ty with the advocates Ofinflation or
contraction. do not insist upon
the special supremacy of rag money
or hard money. The great funda.
mental principle of my life is 10 take
any kind that l eau get.
The rumor that l buried a dead
aunt under one of my grape vines is
founded upon fact. The vines need.
ed fertilizing, my aunt had to he
buried. and l dedicated her to this
high purpose. Does that unfit me
for the presidency The ooustitu.
ton Of our country does not soy SO.
No other citizen WAS ever considered
unworthy of Office because he enrich.
his grape vines with his relations.
Why should be selected as the first
victim of an absurd prejudice!
l admit. also, that l am not
friend of the poor man. regard
the poor man, is his present condi-
ton, as so much wasted raw material.
Cut up and properly canned, he
might be made useful to fatten the
Of the Cannibal islands, and
to improve our export trade with
region: l shall recommend tegisia.
ton upon the subject in my FIRST
message. My campaign cry will be
''Desiccate the poor working man!
Stuff him into sausages!"
These are about the worst parts of
my record. On them / come before
the country. If my country don't
want me ] will back again. But l
recommend myself as a safe mana
man who starts from the basis of
total depravity, and propose to be
fiendish TO the last.