Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1878-09-27
u N /!

F. U N
ONE OF LIES SHADows.-At8 o'clock
the other morning Second street wife fol-
lowed her husband down to the gate as he
was starting for down town:
civilian, you know how sadly need a
blue bunting Dress"
ssYes, dear,'' he remarked "'but you
know how hard up am. AS soon as can
see my way clear you shall have the dress,
and new hat to boot. Be patient, be
good and your reward shall be great"
Forty minutes after that he emerged
from a restaurant with big basket and
fishpole, bound up the river. In the has,
ket was chicken, pickles, cake, fruit, pie
and bottle of liquid of a rich color, and
he was just lighting twenty cent cigar
when his wife came along.
'sWhat you here % he exclaimed.
eyes, was going to the market Where
are you going what's in that basket ?"
''Iwas going to carry this fish pole around
to friend on Jefferson avenue" he mod
estly answered.
sand that basket ?''
'sThis basket-well, was going to take
it to the Orphan Asylum as a present to
the children. 1t is donation from six
leading citizens"
civilian, don't believe it 20
Ssh! Don't talk so loud ~
civilian, 1 shall talk louder yet - she
exclaimed, ''I'll bet you're going fish
ing!"
MARY have ever deceived you ?" he
plaintively asked. II never have. AS
proof of my sincerity you can take this
basket to the asylum yourself!''
'.And I'll do it'll she promptly replied
as she relieved him Of it.
''Mary hadn't you-?"
''No sir, I hadn't. You'd better hurry
up with the fishing pole, as the man may
want it, and be careful how you stand
around in the hot sun ?"
She left him there. He watched her
take the car for home and then he returned
the fishing pole and said to an acquain
lance:
''Tom, I am suffering with neuralgia,
and the excursion is off till next week.
Too bad we can never tell what day may
bring forth.''
There was chicken and pickles and other
good things on the table at dinner. but h
never smiled. Even when his wife wish
ed she was an orphan. if that was the way
they were fed, he never betrayed the gloom
in his heart. 1t was only when she handed
him the bottle he had so carefully tucked
into the basket. and he saw it labeled,
Good for little children that he said:
''Mary, it is an awful thing for wife to
get the impression that her husband is a
cold bIooded liar!''
1T must be" she replied as she took the
other chicken leg.
81 have calculated said the eminent
arithmetic man, that the average man
speaks three hours day, at the average
speed of one hundred words minute say
1wenty-nine octave pages an hour, or six
hundred week; consequently, in the
course of year the average man talks
tifty-two large Volumes"
'sSir,'' said one of the audience, a mali
of scant respect for the sex to which he
owed his mot her, 'does your calculation
apply also to women p
ut does, sir" coldly replied the eminent
arithmetic man; ''all you have to do is
this,'' and he puts an after the 50.
A subscriber wants to know how to
scald goose. There are several methods
Perhaps the best way would be to wait un-
til some evening when the goose come
round to serenade your daughter, and
while he is in the middle of ''Sweet by-and-
by'' pour kettle of boiling water on his
head from second story window.
"Sambo, my massa always trabble; yours
ebber stay at home" ''Dat berry true
Jim;" but if you know what de proverb
say, "Rolin stone gadder no moss mo
Sambo, but it gadder polish, and dat ere's
qualification your massa stan berry much
in need or
Here is good piece of advice tossed
cut gratis by the New York News :" "In
the worlds broad field of battle in the
bivouac Of life, do not try with stupid
prattle to deceive your jealous wife.
A woman will face frowning world
and cling to man she loves through the
most bitter adversely, but she wouldn't
wear hat three weeks behind the style to
save the government.
A fat woman of Corinth, Miss, drank
ash bark tea to make her lean, and she
skipped for the better land just two hours,
ahead of lean woman who was eating
gum. arabic to make her fat.
One extra strong minded woman has re-
marked that an old bachelor is man who
through selfish motives, has refrained from
making some woman wretched.
Josh Billings says: "If was in the habit
of swearing. wouldn't hesitate to cuss q
bedbug right to his face"
Animals lick each other from motives Of
affection. The reverse is generally the
case with men.
Now plant spafr0ws. Plant them thick