Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1878-11-29
F. U n !!

eDIsPEPsHE.'-De Barker: I have
been praktical dispeptic for q years and
four months, and it would have been
munni in mi pocket if had been born
without emmy stummuck.s
have praid upwards Of one thousand
times to be on the inside like an ostrich OF
travelling c0lporter.
have seen colporter who could eat az
mulch az goose.
I hav seen goose eat till they couldn't
stand up emmy more, and then set down
and eat sum, and then roll over and eat
sum more.
have tried living on filtered water, and
going barefoot for the dispepsy, and that
didn't hit the spot.
hav soked at water-cure establishments
until waz so timber that kouldn't gil
myself bak agin inside ov mi Baldwin
apparel.
I bought a saddle boss once who waz
got up expressly to kure the dispepshy-
he waz warranted to kure the diseaze in sc
days or kill the boss.
He waz warranted to trot harder than a
trip hammer, pull wusser on the bits
stumble safer down hill than emmy boss on
the futt-stool.
rode the boss until waZ all Ov jelly,
and then sold him, bride and all, for
sixty-eight dollars, and got sued by the
purchaser and had to pay him 80 dollars
and sum sents damage, bekauze the boss
had the ssNimshys,' disseaze kno no
thing about.
The boss and fxings cost me $50 dollars
gold.
I kontrakted for eleven kords of hickory
wood, kross-grained, and az phu1 ov
wrinkles az an old cows horn, and sawed
away months on it, and the pile seemed
to grow bigger every day.
finally gave away the saw, and what
wood there was left to save mi life, and
sat down discouraged, square victim te
the everlasting dispepshe.
have lived at the seaside, and gamboled
in the saline flood, until waZ az vel
picked az a number one salt mackerel.
hav dwelt at Saratoga, and taken the
water like mill race and still had the
dispepshe.
I hav walked two miles before breakfast
and then EFT a slice of dri toast, and half
the yelk of pullet's eg, and felt all the
time az weak as kitten that had just
come out of fit.
I hav laid down more than thousand
times, and rooled over once minnett all
mite long, and got up in the morning like
a corpse, and thare didn't nothing seem tC
all me emmy WHARF in partikler.
hav red whole librarys on the STUN
muck and liver, and. when i got through
knu great deal less what was the mat.
ter with me than when i begun.
I have drank whiskee with roots in it
enuff to carry off emmy bridge or saw mill
dam in the country.
I hav worked on farm for my vittles
and board and dieted on fried pork and ri
bred until was az thin az the sermon of a
self supportin baptist preacher.
hav dun all these things and 10 thous.
and others just as ridiculous, and I hav
got the old dispepshe yet, just az natural
and az thik az the pimples on four year
old goose.
If yu git good hold ov the dispepshe
once yu kant never looze it entirely; it will
cum around ouce in while like ghost
and if it don't skare yu so much as it did
me, and if it don't make yu think yu are
going to die tomorrow, it will make yu
feel just as sorry.
Yu1es, JOSH BILLINGS.
ANXIOUS FOR A KIss.-A man was once
walking along one road and a woman
along another. The roads finally united,
and man and woman. reaching the juno
ton ut the same time, walked on from
there together. The man was carrying a
large IRON kettle on his back; in one hand
he held by the legs live chicken. in the
other a cane, and he was leading goat.
Just as they were coming to deep, dark
rayine the woman said to the man: 81 am
afraid to 20 through that ravine with you;
it is lonely place, and y0p might over.
power me and kiss me by force" IF you
were afraid of that" said the man. ''you
shouldn't have walked with me at all; how
can possibly overpower and kiss you By
force when have this great kettle on my
back. cane in one hand and live chick,
en- in the other, and am leading this
goat? 1 might as we'll be tied hand
and foot! 'Yes," replied the woman,
-sbut if you should stick your cane into the
glound and tie the goat to it, and turn the
kettle bottom side up and put the chicken
into it, then you might Wickedly kiss me
in spite of my resistance Success to
thy ingenuity, . woman!' said the re-
joicing man to himself; II should never
have thought Of such an expedient. And
when they came to the ravine he stuck bis
cane in the ground and tied the goat to it,
gave the chicken to the woman, saying
-sHold it while I cut some grass for the
goat then, lowering the kettle from his
shoulders, imprisoned the chicken under
it. and wickedly kissed the woman. as she
was afraid he would.
Most women have need to whisper
LEAD us not into temptation" whet
thew see another with new bonnet.