Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1878-09-19

! 4
High on the pantTy-Shelf INEz
DHeliers along the sea-coast are not
famous for their skill IN photography.
Notwithstanding their having so much
shore-tanned experience.
A raptured writer inquiries: what is
there under heaven more humanizing,
or, if We may use the term, more angel
ling. than a fine black eve in a lovely
woman?" Answer: Two black eyes.
The story that Webb Hayes was to
marry Hannah Boggs was weak in
vention gotten up for electioneering
purposes by the enemy. "There amt
no SIGH woman" Ohio State Journal
Maud Granger was formerly COM
position in Connecticut printing office,
and the Norristown Herald knows of a
printer who would like to "set up with
her. The remark is by no means new,
but the sentiment does the Herald proud.
Buffalo Express.
Probably, at the last, dreadful day,
when Gabriel sounds his trump, if he
doesn't stop once or twice between the
blasts, and shout General. General
Colonel, sayr' not more than two-ffths
Of the men in American cemeteries will
get up Burlington HaUkeye.
Train up child in the way that he
shall go, and it may turn out that way
in the long run, but all the precept and
example ever promulgated can't save
him from the sheepish, awkward feeling
sure to seize him when he goes sparkling
the first Cincinnati Saturday
Night
Gratifying:-Houng person applying
for housemaid's place, where footman
was kept, objected to children, was en-
gagged to and visited by a most spec
able young man in the 'Orse artillery,
and with a fortnight's character from
her last place, but who altogether does
not axactly suit "a really ham sorry,
mum, for Irather like your appearance,
mumm
The cure is catechisiug year-old
darling.
"Now tell me-" said he, why did the
good Lord forbid Adam and Eve to eat
of the apples of a certain tree?'
The eryant terrible, after q moments
reflection:
Because the good Lord wanted to
make preserves of them"
She went to the head.
"Spell parsnips,' said Il South Hill
teacher. "G-i-n, gin," howled the big
gest boy in the class, there's your
gin, nan, nan, there's your
nan, there's your gilman, s-h-u-g, shug,
there's your shug, there's yournanshug,
there's your ginnanshug, ger, ger,
there's your ger, there's your shugger,
there's your nanshugger, there's your
ginnanshugger-" ''For mercy's sake"
exclaimed the Mortified teacher, as soon
as she could catch her breath, "what
are you doing ?" ''Spelling paris nips, -
said the boy, IAN that's only one of 'em,
but he says it's the boss" She told him
he needn't spell the others, and he said
he'd have the old man write 'em on a
postal card and send 'em to her.-Biu-
Liraot0n Hamkege.
A man with the t0othache doesn't
care about anything else. The elories
of the world pail on his taste, the Won
ders of creation seem as naught. The
tooth becomes q volcano of belching
fury. and the rest of life hidden in a
cloud Of its billowing smoke. You
can't borrow anything OF the man with
the toothache. You can't instruct and
improve him. You tell him that the
world travels at the rate Of a thousand
miles minute, and it doesn't startle
him in the least. He simply groans.
You say to him, Only friend, there are
stars so far off that their light has not
yet reached the world" but he don't
mind it; he only howls. You tell him
that some Of tie sun-spots are one hun
dred thousand miles in diameter, and
that one of them would take in Jupiter
at one mouthful, but it is nothing to
him. He goes on swearing and weep
ing. Sometimes mans tooth aches 50
hard, the pain is so agonizing, that sew
eral strong men have to hold him down
by main force while some important
scientific fact is being communicated
to him.-Dd3ab1uy Nears.