The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1878-05-25
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.


The Chicago Times says that there are only
twenty eight millions of gallons of whisky in the
United States Thisis about half gallon to each
inhabitant.-7Onic Netcs.
Well, don't worry. You can have "lr half
gallon.
1t is said of the Chicago banks that thirteen out
Of eighteen of their Presidents and Cashiers are
opposed to silver. Silver is too bulky to run
away with.
Isaac Ham is one of the noted capitalists OF
England In the land of the Britons he is the
great l. Ham.
BROOKLYN Union: There is difference in milk
maids; the milk made in the country is not the
same as the milk made in the city.
Bull Run has been made postoicc. There
was considerable of a stampede there once, you
remember.
1t seems that the white whale in the English
aquarium has been seized for debt. He should
be spoutcd at once.
Since West Virginia became a state there has
not been legal hanging within its borders, but
there hayc been twenty lynchings. 1t is estimat-
ed that the state has saved about $4,000 in CON
sequence.
An Iowa poet, in the course of petition to
Congress against homestead grabbing law,
drops into poetry, as follows:
The law condemns the man or woman
Who steals the goose from of the common,
But lets the greater felon loose
Who steals the common from the goose.
Bachelors, it is ascertained, do not, rs a gcner-
al thing, live so long as married mon. This cal
culation excludes married men with red-hcadcd
wives.
The veterinary department of the Champaign
University has procured pdlier mdche model OF
horse from Paris, at an expense OF Sl,ooo: IL
Is composed Of 81 pieces and offers more than
5000 parts of the horse in detail.-I'dnode Gone
aercidi.
Good Gracious! If this model shows more than
5000 parts of the horse in detail, how many, Tor
heavens sake, Will IL snow III dc hcau !-HoOWcS-
ton chronicle.
They have expelled man from Ohio legislature
who was once pcntentiary convict. 1t was not
because he had been in the pentcntiary, howcv-
er, that he was expelled, for that was accident
TO which all the members were liable; but be
cause he denied having been there and 1t was
proved on him that he lied.
The Ottawa FREE TRADER tries to prove that
the Kankakec Gaatte'S article about "helgra-
mites" is caculated-that is to say the FREE
bait and-but that is not what the f. i. wants to
make out either. Darncd If We know what the
F. T. Is trying to get through itsclf!-hdnhdhle
Gdzcttc.
As the FREE TRADER never said anything about
your "helgramites," darned if we believe YOU
know what you are talking about.
The young man paced the parlor,
While she was cleaning her teeth;
And he thought of the brilliant dollars
OF the daddy who would bcqucath.
The old man sat on the counter,
With his head between his hands,
And rcjoiced that the girl had n lover
Who would help him meet his demands.
Both mistaken.
1t is said that 'glass eyes for horses are now so
beautifully made that they completely defy de-
lection" The imitation must be wonderful in
deed for we understand the horses themselves
can't see through the deception.
The editor Of the Morris Independent, after writ
ing column in praise OF dogs, winds up with
the admission in which all his readers will hearth
ly concur, that he sis not good on dogs" What
makes one mad is that he didn't think of it
sooner
The same editor stuns us with the following
evidence OF his familiarity with the language Of
the Teutons:
"Nun fcnzcg yahr bist du alt,
Hast mancahen sturm crCbt.'
You are fifty years Of age,
Having survived many storm.
But for the translation, Carl Schurz himself
would be stumped, we imagine, to tell what the
conplct means.
Tramps are not all alike, but the following will
answer pretty well for most Of them. We find it
in the Springfield Gosoic:
"Saw wood Saw wood for my dinner" said
the tramp, with n look Of horror. Not much
won't 1t isn't that object to labor. yield to
no man in respect for the God.giyen privilege OF
earning my sweat mean sweating my earnings
that Is 10 say, brcading my earn 10y the brow OF
you know what mean. am ready, nay, anN-
ious to work. Give me fish hook line aud bait,
that may YEARLY trudge where flows the placid
Saugamun, and by honest, patient labor
cndeayor to lure the hpny natives Of that classic
stream. This, or other kindred labor ! will
choerfully perform, but Indignantly, madam, do
spurn 10 assist even in the most distant way,
To dcvastate the mighty forests Of this broad land,
that the Almighty meant to gather moisture and
induce the rvyiying rain to fall upon the parched
earth. Why, DO you know that this continent is
doomed to become an arid desert II this dcstruc-
ton goes on? It's a fact, and won't he party
to il. No forests, no rain-evcrything dry-dry
as am decline the responsibility for il. Tell
me you've got some coal to carry in and I'll see
if can't send you boy ~ do 1t, but no wood
saving for me, if you please"
The Hd'ckcye thus fcelingy explains what it is
that so often makes editors prcmaturcly old and
grey:
Now IL isn't age, and it isn't the cares Of wealth
and the demands of public life that make editors
old and grey. It's poetry like this Now here is
little song that came in early yesterday morn.
Ing It's no wonder we wish we had wings like
a dove and want TO ily away aud be at rest. Read
il. and look at it. II is from young LADY, she
signs herself "Bertha Clare" and calls her poem
"Dreamng" It's a regular nightmare, we
should say. Stop up your ears and listen:
Lit! For the crowdng memory bells
That cLiuie through my h,drt'S sad Go'NTH,
Bring me- the grdcc Of tune that tcits
When Lt, was Il UiSiOn of flowers!