Smyrna times., 1878-08-14
How to Manage a Hog.

cent: "JOSnua; lnere is uOS III inc II
garden" 1 have lived with Maria long
enough to know that she expected me to
catch her idea instantly, and although she
had not said anything about it, knew fl
that she anticipated that l would inn h
mediately rise in my might and 60 for that
hog. l accordingly arose in my might and
began cropping around for my pantaloons.
l felt that without them I'could not ap- +
pear to thai advantage that would COM 1
mand the respect of the hog. | had no
idea we possessed so much wearing apparel
until l began to inventory it, in the dark,
while looking for my pantaloons. got /
hold of articles with edging, and articles 1
with founces, and with embroidery, and 1
with strings, while Maria kept whispering l
through the gloom: "That hog will eat up
all the potatoes before you get down stairs.
You are fearful Slow" l suppose she whis-
pered for fear the hog would hear her and {
become offended. She never could bear to
give any offence, not even to a hog, eX-
cepting me. All this time l was trying on
thing that did not fit me, but finally lit
| into some sort of garment, that had what
was intended for a row of buttons on it,
and l buttoned it up, although there was a
| light and cheerfulness about it that did not
seem entirely familiar. l got half down
stairs, when it suddenly occurred to me
Gl1Slt CllS uOS was IlOG III Jul AOl
very reason that we had no garden for a
hog to get into, still we had cistern, and
the hog might get into that 1t would be
just like hog This thought SO startled
me that rolled down to the bottom of the |
. stairs, q feat made easier from the fact that |
l seemed to be pretty we'll tangled up i'll |
the garment l had adopted. Maria Ann,
who always proves equal to an emergency, |
soothed me a good deal by coming to the
top of the stairs and calling me an idiot,
and other pet titles she is in the way of
applying in moments of tenderness.
| got out of the front door as soon as
possible, and the hog, who was looking at
the house, from the front yard, apparently
with a view to renting it stood appalled,.
: did not wonder at this In my haste in
dressing | had inadvertently put on Maria
AIMS polonaise, and it stands to reason
that a man arrayed in white skirt and q
blue polonaise, rushing from the front door
E Of house at the solemn hour of midnight,
must present an appalling spectacle to any
hog. After recovering from his momentary
n astonishment, the hog took three more
e kinks in his tail, and scooted three times
y around the yard. The front gate was wide
u open, but he never thought of going
IS through that. lie seemed to be looking
rs for good place to jump over the fence. [
n tangled myself up in the polonaise again
A. and took flying leap into the yard, land
10 ing on my left eyebrow. We don't give
"a women half the credit they deserve. | am
N convinced that it requires more downright
ly genius to pilot polonaise, cut with darts
n in the back, and trimmed with knife
IL peating, than it does to manage a national
es Presidential convention. The hog ran
le around the yard three times in the oppo-
ed site direction, with four kinks in his tail.
ne elO 10 turatb hOt I ofroiA I
H. beginning to get mad, and when | went
en- around behind the house and got hatchet
en- | am obliged to confess that it was with q
&C. firm purpose to kill the hog or die trying
&c, to. l don't think the hog had noticed the
re. wood shed until | went there for the
lie hatchet, but when l returned to the front
* yard, he Immediately retired to the wood
no shed, and then knew l had him cornered
~ Maria had by this time recovered hel
M, presence of mind, and had got her heac
OF out of front window up stairs, and wa
lel yelling Fire" with all her might and in
ph way calculated to be Of inestimable service
1e- to me. All l needed to spur me on tt
gs, glory was some one to yell Fire" | en-
he tered the woodshed cautiously and founC
on- the hog completely at my mercy unless h.
It's, made hole through the kitchen door, ant
on. escaped that way. He did not do that. On
lty the contrary, he rushed right at me.
ct. stepped back rather hastily, not because h.
at scared me any, but to prevent him from
his tearing my polonaise, SO far as possible
ith There was wash tub full of suds behin
ec- me, and as l stepped back out of the wa
cts: Of the hog, in a fit of Observation-Disclosures,
OF sat down in the tub. 1t may seem curious
the but my recollection now is that the tu
Gus fitted me good deal more snugly than tn
to polonaise had, and yet l had never trie
ong the tub on before in all my born day
on The only way out of the tub was to tip
ed over and float out on the suds, and that
to at once did. Maria, still true to me in m
mes afflicton, opened the kitchen door, an
9 of with her face full of wifely anxiety an
Col. surrounded by night-cap frill, and ht
e a mouth wide open, she really looked like
ers saint or something, but shewas remarkir
the " Murder" at the time, and her voice
(. y. startled the hog that he ran over me befo
'ute l could get out of the suds. How
ult. managed to step on me thirty-two times
will running over me once, is a mystery to bo
dd.) Maria Ann and myself, but he did, becau
we counted the spots his hoofs mad
!. After running over me he walked out Il
I. front gate as solemnly as though he we
W " on his way to church, and it is my sob
icn, belief that he came into the yard on pu
. vas a pose to run over me, and for nothing ell:
NJ 70 Maria Ann declares she won't wear tn
vi. vi polonaise any more, and l am tolerat
! IVn IN sure shall not not if l know it.
Rev.