Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1878-02-11
A man never uses his thumb nail fol-


screw driver but once.
What will the harvest bee }? Get him
up the leg of your pantaloons and you'll
mighty soon find out.
The difference between a boy and
barn is that shingles are applied to the
roof of the barn.
If a young man wants to see his name
in paper, let him get married. He
will never enjoy his death notice.
A philosophical observer remarks that
babies which are found are generally the
children of women who have been lost.
"Ma," said a little girl. "what is all
this fuss about trademarks Is it the
trademarks that make SO many wrinkles
in pas forehead?"
81 sot me down in thought profound,
this maxim wise / drew: It's easier for
you to love gal than maik a gal love
you !"-JoSh Billings.
A tailor. in skating, fell through the
ice he was afterward heard to declare
that he would never again leave his shot
goose" for 'cold duck"
81 suppose you miss your husband
very much" he remarked to the charm
ing relict. "Miss him Of course l do.
He was very useful in attending to the
fire.. winding up the clock, and turning
out the gas"
"Well, may l hope, then, dear, that
at some future time | may have the hap
piness of making you my wife p "Yes,
l hope. so, I'm sure" she replied, ''for
I'm getting tired of suing fellows for
breach of promise"
A girl, who formerly lived in st.
Louis, writes from Colorado to an old
friend: "This is the handsomest 200
acres l ever put my foot down on" Her
father ought to get 100 acres more and
have lawn around her foot.
luv to court in winter
| The mani gurls no,
| When all around is dreary
| And kIvered up with sno;
| Becaws the old uns dred
| The cold and stormy wether,
| And hurry oph tew bed
Leaving us together.
Young wife. "My dear, don't bt
eternally finding fault with the fashion
If you don't like the style of my hair
don't dress yours in that way, that's all
If l were to follow your example
should have to wear my hair bald
headed"
A little girl was heard telling another
''My father is taller and handsomer ant
cleverer than yours" For moment tn,
other looked rather put out, but, sudden
ly Frightening up, she answered, "Per
haps he is; but mine is much olde
than yours"
"Yes, gentlemen, certainly, of course,
said a polite clothier, "if you want {
pair of pants, step right into my pantry
if vest, walk right up to my vestry
and if a coat-here, Jacob. show thi
gentleman into the coterie. This way
this way, gentlemen
A passenger train on an Irish railwa
few days since ran over an intoxicate
fellow on the track. He was SO insensi
BILE to the magnitude of his misfortun
as to remark to the guard, as he locke
at his own lacerated limbs, "Arrah, nov
this is too bad-I didn't name to sto
the train
What is your chief consolation i
life 2" asked the pastor of a young lad
in his bible class. The young lad
blushed and hesitated, but on the que
tion being repeated, the ingenious mait
en- said: II don't like to tell you h
name, but l have no objection to te
you where he lives"
1t occurred to small boy at Fond q
Lac. Wis, that good way to get rid
an ownerless dog that prowled about Il
house was to give the animal kerosel
bath and then touch a match to hir
This brilliant conceit resulted in an an
e e da te by which the dog and barn und
e which he took shelter were swallowed |
y together in grand blaze.
t. Here is a good word for the docto
from one of our exchanges "Men a
always ready to crack jokes at the e
pense of the doctors, and yet when Il
most triAlng disease gets hold of thel
how they run for the doctors, and wi
A how much trembling expectation do tn
await the decision of the oracle. VIII
y large-hearted. forgiving fellows the ph
es sicians are, to be sure. How many prs
u tical jokes they could play on their t.
It's mentors, if they would. But they ne
80 er do it. With the power of a gia
ry they WELD it only for the good of tn,
Yn0rafaf1r1 raca