The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1878-05-30
PASSING SMILES.


YOUNG poets find it hard to win fame
nowadays. There are so few anonymous
poems to claim.-Breakfas Table.
"NEAL & PRAY, Publishers and
Religious Publications" is the sign over
the door of Williamsburg firm.
IT turns out that man in Michigan
who lived forty days on water" had
plenty of provisions in his boat all the
while he was sailing around the lake.
PEOPLE who are jealous, or particu-
larly careful of their own rights and
dignity, always find enough of those
who do not care for either to keep them
continually uncomfortable.
sCHooLMAsTER thus describes a
money-lender: &c He serves you in the
present tense; he lends in the con-
ditional mood; keeps you In the subjec-
tive; and ruins you in the future"
A CHRONIC growler, who lived in a
clearinghouse, kept the landlady ID
state of torment all through the holi-
days by always remarking, at meal-time,
"Things are getting tough, L tell yoc."
CIGAR stumps are carefully collected
in Germany and sold for charitable pur-
poses. The clothes for orphans, pur-
chased with the proceeds, are called
cigarments. -Breakfast Table.
The New York Herald P. ]. man
knows another man who said hehad been
to q concert and heard two chaps play a
duel on piano. "But," said he, it
looked darn sight more like prize
fight"
JUNIOR CLERK" Would you kindly
permit me to absent myself tomorrow
to attend my fathers funerair 2 Head
of firm (deep in figures -" You may
go, Hawkins; but pray do not, let this
happen again.
A YOUNG lady who is doing the Alps
reports progress to her guardian: !" l
tried to climb the Matterhorn, didn't
near reach the top. 1t is absurdly high
everything is in this country-please
send me s."
AN Irish agricultural journal adver-
tises new washing-machine under the
heading, Every man his own wash
woman" and in its culinary department
says that "potatoes should always be
boiled in cold water"
"WHAT will you be helped to in the
way of early vegetables?" said MDon-
aid to a lady customer. Lettuce,
pray" was the quick reply. M'Donald
looked sharply at the lady,. and con,
cluded she was lady preacher, until
she pointed to the lettuce basket.
TO COW.
Why, COW, how canst thou be so satis6ed9
So well content with all things here below,
So unobtrusive and SO sleepy-eyed,
So meek, SO lazy, and so awful slow?
nostf hon nf al
That naught is as it should be on this earth,
That grievousy the world needs to be fixed
That times are hard, that life is full of care,
OF sin and troubles and untowardness,
That love is folly, friendship but snare?
Priti COW, this is no time for laziness
The cud thou chewest is not what it seemsl
Get up and moo! Tear round and quit thy dreamsl
Mr.. HILGILDER went home the other
night considerably intoxicated and
afflicted with double vision. He sat for
some time with his sleepy gaze riveted
on Mrs. Hi'gilder, and then quietly re-
marked: " Well (hic), / hope t holler
if you two gals don't look enuff alike to
be (hic) twins"
A STORY is related of a boy out West
who, having read in a dime novel of a
man who escaped from Indians by jump
ing off a bluff two hundred feet high.
| attempted to initiate the feat in a small
way by jumping off bluff forty feet
high. He is now able to get around on
crutches quite easily.
"WHY don't you trade with meg'
said close-fisted tradesman to pub
Usher, the other day. Because, y was
the characteristic reply, "you have
never sked me, sir. have looked all
through the papers for an invitation, in
the shape of an advertisement, but in
vain. 1 never go where l am not In
vited, sir"
CIT is a pity" said a Frenchman in
presence of an Englishman at the French
Exposition, "that France should get up
a revolution every eighteen years
"NoP said the Englishman, fer il
France had not had so many revolutions
since this century commenced, she would
have been rich enough to buy the whole
, Of Europe"
A SONG WITHOUT AN E.
| THE letter E is used more than any other lette
, in the English alphabet. Each of the following
verses contains every letter OF the alphabet e1cep
A jovial swain should not complain
OF any buxom fair
Who mocks his pain, and thinks 1t gain
To quiz his awkward air.
Quixotic boys who look for joys
r Quixotic haza' ds run;
, A lass annoys with trivial toys,
Opposing man for fun.
a A jovial swain may rack his brain,
and tax his fancy's might;
To quiz is vain, for tits most plain
+ That what say is right
: OLD Mr.. Dudley was a prominen
n lawyer in Tuolome. He was employees
n to defend client for stealing hog
}, jury trial. Mr.. Dudley made an elc
f quent and successful plea. The ma
e was acquitted. He was grateful, bu
t had no money. "How can l ever re
a pay you, Mr.. Dudley7 I haven't cent
Accept my thanks" "Thanks!" erie
i the lawyer. "Send me side of tn
k perkp'
, PROBABLY no portion of the huma
= anatomy is so delicate, sensitive, and 8
u the same time so capricious in its actio
Is as the human ear. We have known
woman who could stand up in the ga
rot Iootino ont of corner window