Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1878-11-29
wit and HuInor.

as q boy on an errand.
John Dog petitioned the Massachu-
sets legislature TO change his name, and
they made it John Kerr, and he was
happy.
For the temperance man, lemonade
for the lovers, promenade; for the poll
tician, serenade for the Pacific railroads,
J, government aid.
Are blacksmiths, who make a living
BY forging, or carpenters, who do little
counter fitting, any worse than men who
sell iron and steel for a living.
A gentleman writing a letter concluded
it as follows: 'Give every bOdy's love to
everybody, so that nobody may be
aggrieved by anybody being forgotten by
somebody"
Jones says that he bought at a church
festival strawberry shOrt-cake, but il
was mighty hard to recognize it rs such.
It hadn't even a strawberry mark by
which to identify it.
"He's a man after my own heart" ex-
claimed an impulsive young lady, some
time since. "Pshawp exclaimed her
practical old father, she's Il man after
the money your Uncle Jacob left you"
An Illinois clergyman meets heart
broken girl on train; tells her there is .t
better land supports her fainting form;
helps her off at a small station, and
finds his watch and $500 gone. Does it
pay to be good?
Here is the worst pun we have seen in
six months. In Alabama they chew the
tassels Of the fir tree as substitute for
tobacco. Which reminds Us of the old
adage, "Be fr-chewers and you'll be
happy"
Yes, brother journalists, there will
come a time when religious societies
will not expect seven dollars worth of
gratuitOus advertising In return for a
ticket emitting the bearer to a chance
in a rattle for a ninety-nine cent hair
brush.
"If l place my money IN the savings
bank" inquired one of the newly ar
rived, "when can 1 draw it out again?"
oh" responded his Hibernian friend,
sshure, an if you put itin to-day, you
can get it out again tomorrow, by giving
thirty days notice"
"A wit having been asked by another
person whether he would advise him to
lend a certain friend of theirs Amoney,
said: "What! lend HIM money! You
might give him an emetic, and he
wouldn't return 1t "
"A Jersey City female singer has
made amatch to sing three hours without
pausing. She is a church choir singer,
and not a boarding house keepers
daughter, as might be supposed. All the
sustenance she takes during the per
forrnanee is beef tea. We should think
soda water would be better, there being
more wind in it.
A flshiGn item says, "pufs and false
blaids are being dispensed with" but
when YOU see a woman drowning and
reach the spot as she is going down the
third time, you want to grab her pretty
close to the skull, or you may have 81
worth of false locks and your labor for
your pains.
1T is the Judgment of the court that
YOU marry this girl forthwith-and may
God have mercy on your soul. You will
remain in the custody Of the officer who
will permit you to 90 to Winona to OBJ
tain the license" was the luminous deci-
sion of a New Hartford Mimi justice
the other day
A New Jersey editor was recently sent /
IL Tie DEullClAA4dAl AOA AADCAs LAASl
usually fine an editor one cent for that
-ofense, but in this case the probability
is that, owing to a lack of advertising
and a scarcity of job work, the poor
fellow couldn't raise the money, and
was glad to compromise on six months
imprisonment
Sufferers are compelled 10 take life
easily, whether they will or no. Two
men thus afflicted were at work at a
forge. The iron was red-hOt and placed
on the anvil, when the first one said:
EJohn, s-s-strike it hard" The other
answered; "Jim, wh-wh-where shall l
hlt-itg' ''No m-m-matter now, its got
co-co-cold," was the reply, and the bar
was put into the forge again.
A woman applied to the police justice
in Detroit the other day for warrant
for another woman for SANDER. The
Justice said that it was a case for the
recorders court, but asked her what the
woman said. "She called me a liar"
replied the female. "Did she qualify |
it 2" inquired the Judge. Yes she did /
look a-here," replied the complainant,
showing a scalp-wound four inches long, |
"she'd a qualified me again if hadn't
knocked her over with a bTick!"