The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1878-11-21
Wit and HumOr.
AN old settler: A piece of Goldfish.

season.
READING makes full man, and so
doe, whisky.
People who are all the time cutting
up: Butchers.
THE dinners given by Congressman are
known as gander parties.
Now that short skirts are coming into
fashion what will the ladies carry in their
hands?
IT seems paradox that the result of
crooked still should be whisky
straight.
UNLESS man can plat a bull-whip
he can't get a situation as district school
teacher iii Texas.
STRONG doses of advertising should be
administered to business that looks bill
ious about this time of year.
THERE is something noble about a
goat all boarders might initiate. He is
not particular what he feeds upon.
"MARRIAGEl Pooh don't men -shun-
it!' exclaimed the maiden aunt. "In-
deed they don't" replied her lovely niece.
Young women never marry old men
for money-they yearn for "a chance to
trade II their old clothes to the peddler.
TO call a man an ass is a reproach, but
in Arabia, in bewailing lost friend, they
frequently excaim, "Alas, my beloved
iackass"
SCIENCE made easy.-Friend to scen-
titic authority; doctor, how is a man
Scientific authority: "By eating it. II
you live, it is "a mushroom if you die, it
is a toadstool."
4 THREE YEAR-oL boy in North Ben
nington asked an honest but poor Irish
man the other day for a penny to buy
some candy, and when he replied that
"Faith, he hadn't a cint,' the little fellow
inquired with all the innocence imagin-
able, "lIaye YOU faledi"
A SHERIFF clerk of Dundee was attend
ing funeral. GLOW old was our de
parted triendi" he inquired of a relative
of the deceased. VERY Old was the re
ply;"I believe he was in his eightysev
enth year" "Not so very OLD" exclaim-
ed the lawyer; "if my father had been
alive NE would have been 1l2"
UNDERSTAND me, Mrs. Trevor, don't
say that your man was drunk, or that he
had been drinking even, but my husband
says he can prove by three witnesses that
they saw him try to pare an apple with
a corkscrew in broad daylight, and
thought that looked so suspicious | felt
it my duty as a neighLor to come and
tell you about it,
A GENTLEMAN and a scrub are seated
at the same table. The scrub is just fin.
ishinQ his dinner; the gentleman just
beginning his. The scrub lights cigar
and blows a cloud of smoke over his
coffee. The gentleman rises, and says in
the politest torres: Excuse me, sir; will
it annoy you if | eat while you are
smokingf
A MAN saw ghost while walking along
lonely highway at midnight The ghost
stood exactly in the middle of the road
and the wayfarer, deciding to investigate,
poked it with his umbrella. The next
instant he was knocked twenty feet into
mud hole Moral-Never poke an um
brella at large white mule when its
back is turned.
WHILE prisoner was being searched
at police station he suddenly blurted
out: I'll never believe in old sayings
again" What's wrong with old say
ingst" asked the captain. why, there's
one that says, Heaven helps them that
helps themselves. helped myself to Il
pair of brooches, and now where am II
Where is heaven' Where is the help to
get out o thisr
A VERY little 10y had one day dore
wrong, and he was sent, after paternal
correction, to ask in secret the forgive
ness of his Heavenly Father. His offence
was passion. Anxious to hear what he
would say, his mother followed to the
door of the room. In lisping accents she
heard him ask to be made better; and
then, with childlikc simplicity, he added :
"Lord, make mas temper better, too"
OLD Lord Elphinstone was asleep at
church, while the minister, n very addle-
headed preacher, was holding forth At
length the parson stopped and cried {:
"Waukin, my Lord Aphinstone." I'm
no sleeping, minister" but We are
sleepin'-I wager We dnna ken what |
said last" "Ye said, 'Waukin, my Lord
Aphiustone.' "Ay, ay, but l wager ye
dinna ken what | said afore that II
wager ye dinna yersel.'
IL you want to keep your boy at home,
make it pleasanter for him than the
street. Chalk hopscotch in the hall,
put hogshead of molasses on tap in the
kitchen, have dogfght in the back
al al al. {..' al