The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1878-11-18
Cap and Bells.

Cap and Bells
William NJ Evarts's mouth will hold four
yards of the English language without. crowd
ing.-Bost0n Post.
History has no hero who Is admired by the
average boy so much as the man who spits at
mark through his teeth.-Rockland Courier.
81 am thy fathers SPIRIT" as the pint flask
said to the inquisitive urcbin who had been
investigating the cupboard Minia-
ture
As high as 500 having been paid in Cornwall
for votes it was difficult to get men to pick ap-
pies. Franchise is the highest privilege of a
free people.-Danbury News.
Mr.. Talmadge having claimed that hell has
four gates, the Buffalo Express hopes they
open outward, so as to give easy egress in case
of fire.
When Samson slew the 5000 Phlistines with
the jaw.bone of a mule he was probably unac-
quainted with the latent power existing in the
hind leg of that sudden and deceptive bird.
Sunday Leader.
The Cleveland Herald has received from
Obarlia this epitaph on Batler:
Poor Benjamin aud his blarney!
They buried him deep
Where the Greenbackers weep
And wrote on his tombstone "Kearney"
"What is a hog?'' "a hog spts all over the
| floor of street car; he also wants the stamp
clerk at the pos,-ofice to wait on him first
That's the way you fell hog from pig :"
Detroit Natural History.
William Augustus to sleepy roommate:
Come. John Henry why don't you get up
with the lark, as do?'' John Henry, grimly:
"Been up with him all night" Profound
silence, amid the breath of an early K.
st. Louis reporter has been sued ty wo-
man for breach of promise, damages laid at
$4,000. Ha! ha! Hee! hee Ho! ho! Ah-ha-
hoo! A reporterl $4,000! George, lsud US ten
cents. We woald NIP TINS hilarity in the bad,
N. Y. Com. Ad.
Nearly every body can fiud plenty to console
themselves over for being poor, aud there is
q great deal in if. Why a million dollars
wouldn't induce the poor turkey to exchange
places with the fat one, at this season of the
year. .-Keokuk CONSTITUTION.
The Boston Advert wants to know the
reason why there is no pleasure in smoking iu
the dark. We will give the reason if the Ad-
vertiser will promise not to tell. 1t because
one cannot enjoy q smoke until he has q light.
Lowell Courier.
There is poem in the Nevambsr Atlantic
that starts off by saying. "There came three
queens from heaven" Never do you believe it;
we'll bet you thousand dollars one Of them
was dealt to him, and he pulled the other two
out Of his boot.-Burlington Hawkeye.
The old, old story-Pdtting forth ones
hands, when walking in the house after dark,
to ascertain the exact situation of door; and
then suddenly be made to realize, in conse.
quence Of terrible bump on the forehead, that
your hands were several inches too far
apart-Kennebunk Eastern Star.
Nine. A. owns horrible cur which answers
when it wishes toto the name Of Biiou
The other day the Countess de H. says to her,
"Oa, did you know that darling little b jou of
yours made me get ESQ yesterdas?" "No,
how?" II met friend who had never seen
Bijou before and bet him it was dog"
Where are the vines, the pumpkin vines that lately
bloomed and stood
In brighter light and softer airs bsauteous brother
hood?
Alas! they all are in their graves these gentle vines
must diel
Their fruits are in the cellar stored-trot out your
pumpkin pie.
What has become of base ball? abruptly
asks an exchange. As nearly as we can ascer.
tain, the ''pitchers" are being used for cider
"base men" are plenty everywhere. The ladies
are monopolizipg the "muffs," and we are
panied to record that the ''flies" are all dead
The "short-stop" has bsen used with good ef-
feet on Butler and Kearney, and they both feel
''put out" The "catchers'' are being used for
"bunters" at the terminus of railroads, and
they say it is bloated luxury compared with the
old job. The ''umpires' are hard at work on
the Fishery question, and the uniforms" are
used for nderclothiDg.-Lewiston Gazette.
At the late State election, John Simmonson
who is now in his 18th year. cast his vote as
usual. Mr.. Simmonson has veted on every
side of every election contest since the forms.
tion of the Government, commencing with
Washington for whom he tells he gave twenty
five votee. He says that's the best days work
he ever put in-on one side, you know; fifty is
about his average, but his sense of fair play
leads him to divide them up among the differ
ent candidates. I'VE don't know for certain
how old Mr.. 8. is; in fact, don't know Mr.. s.
All the papers are telling stories of voting Me-
tbuselahs, aud We wanted to be in the fashion.
Boston Transcript.
A Man With a Joke.