The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1878-02-28
MARK TWAIN,S MILITARY
RECORD.
The Army Experiences of the Great
American JOkeP-Rais Latest EFT.
fusion

wouldn't have missed this for q
great deal. 1 did not assembled at the
hotel parlors to. day to be received by
| a committee. as mre civilian guest.
No. l assembled at the headquarters
of the Putnam Phalapx, aud insisted
upon my right to be guarded to this
place as ore Of the military guests.
(Applause and Laughter.)
For I, two, am a soldies. am inur.
ed TO war. have military history.
| have been through stirring cam,
paign and there is not even a mention
of it in any history of the United States
or of the Southern Confederacy.-
I4aughter.) To such lengths can the
envy and malignity of the historian
go. will unbosom mysei f here, where
l cannot but find sympathy. 1 will
tell you about it, and appeal through
you to justice.
In the earliest summer days OF the
war l stepped out Of Hannibal, Mo-,
by night Qaughter) and Joined de-
army (I find myself in great minor
ity here.) Up gorge behind an old
barn in Rall's county, Colonel Rail-
swore us in. He made US swear to
uphold the flag and Constitution OF
the United States, and to destroy any
other military organization we caught
doing the same thing. (Great laugh
ter) In other words we were to re-
pei inya ion. Well, you see, this mix
ed US. We could not really tell which
side we were on; but we went into
camp aud left it TO the God of battles
which was the custom in that day.
l was made second lieutenant and
chief mogui of company of eleven
men, who didn't know anything abo ut
war-or anything. We had no cap
tain. My friend, who was nineteen
years old, six feet high, three feet
wide and some distance through, and
just out of the infant school, was made
orderly sergeant. His name was Ben
Tupper, and he had a hard time.
When he was mounted and on the
march, he nsed to go to sleep and his
horse would reach around and bite his
leg, and he would cry and curse and
want to go home. The other men
pestered him a great deal, too. When
they were dismounted they said they
couldn't march in double file with him,
because his feet took up SO much
room. One night when we were
around the camp fire, a fellow on the
outside of the circle, in the cold, said:
Ben Tupper, put down that newspa-
per it casts shadow like blanket
Ben said: 1 amt got any newspaper
Then the other fellow said: 90, 1 see
it's your ear Uaughter).
We all slept in a corn crib on the
corn, and the rats were very thick.
Ben Tupper had been carefully and
rigidly reared, and when he was
ready for bed he would start to pray,
and rat would bite him on the heel,
and then he would sit up and swear
all night Qaughter) and keep every
body awake. He was town bred, and
did not seem 10 haye any correct idea |
of military discipline. II l command
ed him to shut up, he would say /:
who was. your nigger last year p
One evening l ordered him to ride
out on picket duty about three miles
to the beginning of prairie. Said he
In the rain?' He didn't go again.
Next day l ordered him on picket
duty once more. This time he look
ed hurt. Said he: What! on Sum
lay2 You must be darned fool.'
was impracticable,so so drop
ped it from my military system. We
lad good enough. time there at that
,arn; barring the rain and the rats
md the mosquitoes and things.
We lived on both parties impartial ,