The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1878-04-20
VARIETY.

There il no man who needs SO much watch
ing az the one who IL all the time watching
some one else.
Nice Little Girl Oh do let me see you
drinkI'' Captain Grogson-'' Why my dear ?''
Nice Little girl Because ma says you drink
like fish,
"A polite man. SAID the Due de Morny,
90 is one who listens with interest to things he
knows all about when they are told him by a
person who knows nothing about them.
Among the many surm ises as to what will
become of the last man, it is queer that no.
body has yet discovered that he is destined to
be talked to death by the last woman.
Theology gets little mixed in the youthful
mind. Who made YOU ?'' asked a teacher
of little girl. She answered, - God made
me that length,' putting her hands about
twelve inches apart, '' and [ growed the rest
myself"
The Senate proposes TO revive the frankling
privilege with the prOyiso that but two ounces
of matter be allowed to each envelope. This
will compel congressman to use two envelopes
when sending home pair Of socks to be
washed.
Somebody has sent to this Office tract en-
titled 80 What is it to be Damned - Such
things are useless to newspaper men. All of
the profession who have been any length of time
Boston Transcript.
The other day a mean man out in Western
Iowa went off into a quiet country place and
died quick that his wife got his insurance
money before the company had time to fail. The
president says he never felt so swindled and cut
up since he has been in the business-Bu BurEng-
ton Hdl0keye.
HIS DEsERTs.-Keely, of g motor fame, after
absorbing about hundred thousand dollars
from credulous people, and after faring sump-
tuouslY, wearing diamonds, and drinking cham
pagne for over three years, has at last been
declared a bankrupt. The Cleveland Herald
remarks that if Keely gets his deserts he will
furnish motive power for breaking stone in
Penitentiary.
Here's another warming. man down town
refused to stay home after an early supper and
help his wife whitewash the backyard fence,
and his black hair turned white in less than
minute His wiles painful awkwardness with
the whitewash brush caused the sudden
change.-Er.
a Danbury recently went to see q friend
in an insane retreat. He stood a moment
before fine-lOoking man he had seen before
at the institution, and inquired his name.
Julius Cesar SIR" said the lunatic 80 Why,
YOU were Alexander when l was here before,
were you not ?'' '' Oh, why yes, but that was
by former wife, said the crazy man, not at
all disconnected.
Boys said south side school teacher,
- knowledge never comes without seeking.
Stick pin there And then as he shot up
from his seat like Jack in the box, he offered
a reward of five dollars for the boy who had
stuck pin there, and one of the boys held up
his hand and said the teacher wrong. He
had no knowledge of that pin in his chair, had
not sought it, and yet 1t came-Ha'ckeye.
FELLOW TRAvELERs.-'' Will you help me out
of this hole?'' said travelling druggist, who
had just been compelled to stop his team in a
mud hole, because his horses couldn't pull It
out. - No, can't stop said the other, who
was heavily loaded and was fearful that he
would be too late. - would take it a great
favor, besides paying yOu," said the druggist.
90 What are YOU loaded with ?' asked the
Yankee. Drugs and medicines said he.
d" 1 guess III try to get you out, then, for am
loaded with tOmbstones. They were seen
travelling together after that
The Chicago Times has hopeful fellow on
its staff who exhibits unconquerabIe resolu-
,tion against despair even under the most de-
pressing circumstances. Even In these times
of desperation he casts the horoscope OF a COM
ing political millennium, thus:
Perhaps of these days j. Madison Wells
will die, and Sitting Bull will be hung, and
Charlie Ross will be found and Carl Schurz and
Jay Gould will kill one another in duel, and
Ruthford B. Hayes will resign, and Samuel j.
Tilden will be married, and the county board
will be abolished. Then this distracted country
will know the blessings of peace.
Lovers of the chaste and emotional ballad are
having aseries of unexampled refreshment.
Each bay seems to offer them some rarely equaled
gem, and the cry is .' still thay come One of
the sweetest of the later publications is, '' Call
me when the hash is ready We cannot refrain
from quoting verse;
'Dasy Darling do wake me
Ere the murphies you peel
Ere you've chopped the scraps and leayins
OF cur yester evenin's meal:
Wake me not to pangful waitings,
Do not again.
But when the s
Gentle spirit, call then.
Every patient husband who has endured the
hardship of being called up before breakfast was
ready, wiz canOnze the author of this melody,
and the wife of that husband will have cannon