Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1878-01-17
THE WRONG UMBRELLA.
An EVERYDAY Story.

1t is lamentable that the moral sense
Of mankind takes so little account of
the rights OF property as regards books
and umbrellas. Many people who are
in most respects excellent members of
society will borrow books without stint,
and If they do not return them minus
the covers, will keep them without COM
Function, and when you hint that they
have had them rather long, will mutter
Confound the fellow does he think
| want to steal his books ?" / have had
differences with my best friends on thi;
score, and have been asked whether
ha not better fine every body who re-
tain I'd my valuable volumes beyond a
fixed time, as if | were village library.
Such insults have been borne with
meellness, because | have always re-
membered with remorse how | once
reve.led IN the thought of having made
away with Johnson's umbrella. The
laxity of the public morals III the mat
ter CT umbrellas is truly AWFUL, but re-
trlbutlon will sometimes Overtake him
who plots against his neighbor's para
chute. Let me tell how it overlook me.
A long time ago | was madly enamor-
ed of Mary Jane Bowles Mary Jane
was what you would call pocket We
nus, and often have [ been tempted to
tuck her under my arm, like packet
Of sugar, and fly to the nearest desert
island. She was an artless girl, and very
fond of society especially the society
OF young men. with whom [ was not
on terms of ardent friendship. | did
not blame her for this, and when she
invited me to tea, and l found that
Johnson had also been invited, my
discerning eye observed that this was
not coquetry, but pure eXuberance of
spirits. Mr.. Bowles, | noticed, was of
the same opinion, and it was a great
satisfaction to me to have my judgment
confirmed by so experienced a parent.
Mrs. BOWles, had she been alive, would
no doubt have agreed with us.
had known Mary Jane since She
wore short frocks. Johnson had known
her about Il month. 1t was pleasant to
hear her call me Sam and him Mr..
Johnson, but somehow the familiarity
IN my case seemed to have bred not
contempt-O dear, no! nothing of that
kind-but sort of nOnchalance IF
manner. How useful the French
languaSe > when one wants to express
very delicate shade of meaning !
But that was her artlessness.
j" Dear me, Sam" she observed. at
the tea.table, what have you got such
u long face for?''
Johnson'S attentions had made me a
little pensive.
Something must be long to make
up for the prevailing shortness," |
said
johnson was not much taller than
Mary Jane. | made note of that sar-
casm afterward. My impromptus are
too often lost.
Don't be impertinent, sir Look in
to thatspoon. Your face is exactly like
the reflection you see there-isn't it. Mr.
Johnson? ?"
He grinned.
1t was then | observed for the first
time the singular breadth of his Wis
sage. His grin seemed to extend across
the room.
Ii Mr. johnson will hold the spoon
horizontally, he may admire his own
image l remarked, playfullv.
Johnson grinned again. He was
one of those insaneIy good-natured
men whom it is quite impossible tc
annoy.
Sam, you are outrageous" said
Mary Jane. Mr., Johnson and are
going 70 practice our duet. You step
here and talk to pa"
Mr.. BoWleS had to be aroused from
the doze into which he usually dropped
after tea. 1t was in that babit that nv
penetration had detected his conyic-
ton that Mary Jane was an ardent
creature.
Pa woke up, and asked me what were
my views on tramways. His compost
ton was fine crusty conservatism. and
ne dlsllked innovations. His port wine
was fine and crusty, too; but that is bv
the way.
was listening to the duet overhead.
and had very indistinct idea of what
the old gentleman said, and of what I
was saying myself / cannot sing. but
1t was not Tor that reason that [ objected
TO the preposterously operate wav in
winch JoAnson WAS conducting himself.
Tramways, my dear sir, are, as you
SO justly observe, the chief scourge of
mankind. From the earliest times thev
have been noted for their hostility to
human virtue, and"
II have lands and proud dwellings.
Aud all shall be thine
sang Johnson, up stairs.
And It is, as you say, monstrous
that landed proprietors and bloated
householders should override the popu-
lar protest IN this matter, especially as
We know that-for purposes of drainage
tramways are
My dear boy, you are not we'll" in
interrupted Mr.. Bowles, kindly. Have
glass of wine"
When | left the house that evening I
was thoughtful. 1t struck me that
Johnson had Mary Jane in his eve. |
could not damage that organ of vision.
SO decided that nothing would be gain
ed by hitting him. wanted to marry
Mary Jane. She was charming girl,
and her father had a little money.
My suspicious about johnson were
confirmed next day. I met a lively
friend, who said:
%, you know Johnson ?"
"Well?"
He's going in for the little Bowles.
He told me he should propose TO her to-
morrow night, when he takes her home
from Twig's party"
Perdition y
Eth :? Slap-up-girl, isn's she Thought
you were sweet that way?"
Perd- 0, no, not at all There's
INV omnibus RXrb y,