Daily globe. [volume] (St. Paul, Minn.) 1878-1884, 1878-02-10
Patent Skeletons.

We publish this article as warning. We
are not the undertaker's journal, and we only
wish by this to indicate where we draw the line
in funereal humor. No contributor will here
rule will be insisted oln with rigor-Iigor
mortis,-Ed. Puck.
Beemans came round the other evening
and told me all about it. When I think
it all over, it seems almost too steep, put
Beemans told it in straig htforward
manner, and can't see why he should
lie about it.
1T seems that Beemans dropped in at
Jumpers, the undertaken, just below my
place, and after short conversation,
Beemans says:
"Well, Bannistcr, that's Jumpers
clerk" shows business?''
Business is pretty shaky," says Ban
mister; ''people don't act right toward us.
There's old Paterson-he ought to have
died three months ago, but he clings on
to life like barnacle. He's got to come
before long, though, and his skeleton is
billed tor Barnes & Coz
Chilled for Barnes s. Co.!'' exclaimed
Beemans. "Oh, come now, his skel-'
"Then you haven't heard of Barnes &
Co., of Cincinnati, wholesale dealers in
skeletons and bones for medical colleges
and secret societies. interrupted Ban
Mister.
Beemans was obliged to confess that he
hadn't heard of that firm, SO Bannister ex-
planned"
"You see," said he, eve take our best
subjects, and, by chemical process for
which we have the exclusive patent, re-
duce the defunct to skeleton, substitute
ing in stead figure having the exact d.
measions and proportions of the original.
Our artists are instructed to give to the
face, which is of wax, an expression of
resignation and subdued happiness, which
is touching to behold"
"You don't mean to tell me-" said the
Mortified Beemas, "that you dispose of
all the cases that you handle in this man.
ner?'
ooh! no." said Bannister, 1--WE don't at
tempt it in cases where the late lamented
is mourned tor by crowds of grief stricken
relatives. I remember we once had q
splendid specimen-ah The aoas bouncer
= he left a wife and three children-nC
insurance.
'sWell, sir, on the day of the funeral, 8
warm day too, the substitute was repos
ing sweetly in two hundred dollar cask
ct, while the departed was in our labora
tory strung up on wires and Tabled 1907
AL
swell, sir, the widow, as she gazed up
on that tigger, wept and wept, and the we
just poured down on its face: now, no wa,
fgger can stand hot tears for any length
of time, SO managed to get one Of thu
relations to hurry up the widow, but i Il
be hanged if she didn't grab the hant
and weep over it and squeeze it; then eacl
Of the children had turn, and the widow
finished up with final grip that woul1
have ruined an ordinary fgger As i
was, when we came to screw it up, tina
hand was squashed all out of shape-scf
as putty. So now we only tackle case
like No. 32l (reading from memoranda,
old bachlor, no relatives; $50, intempel
ate husband or '401, hospital case NJ
S5.'n
J Bannister shivered, and remarked; 6
suppose mothers-in-law are considere
safe cases?"
swell, no" said Bannister, zone woult
naturally think SO, but you see they ar
apt to have good deal Of sham emotio
t manifested over 'em, and beside they'r
, hard to reduce-too tough, you know.
e II have just finished wiring up an oil
Y chap that YOU knew-old Jelliper-ol
l William Jelliper; remember him?"
:; well, I should say did!" said Bet
q mans, feebly. "Why, he was gres
] rlend of minem
"Now, if you'll come into the bach