The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1878-07-25
How to Restore the Navy.


pose If my predecessor in Office had paiG
more attention to Putty, the Navy
wouldn't he where it now j.. | remem.
ber," he continued, With a sort of N. L
ihy s. glance at the post, "what Putty did
for me when WAS a boy. had boat
built by myself with my own jack knife
that carried brown-paper main sail, and
| thought it would beat any boat on the
raging Wabash. She looked we'll on the
kitchen table, but when put her to sea,
she invariably went down. Invariably
l tished her up again - but float she
wouldn't.
MANY hours, alas, l sequestrated from
scholastic exercise to ascertain the rea.
SON for her lack of buoyancy, but with
out avail; till at last, one morning,
Eureka! discovered that tie chip, from
which she was instructed, was full of
worm holes. Then, then discovered
the use of putty. | puttied up those
worm-hoes. Putty saved my boyhood's
craft, and Putty shall now save the
American Navyw
| And the hero of the Wabash canal
hitched up his trousers, waved about the
room, and requested the reporter to shiv-
er his tarry top-lights.
Grog and tobacco rations being Sc
cured, the reporter ventured to ask in
what way Patty was to be used.
"lf you were an older man," replied
the Secretary, "you wouldn't ask that
question. What was the trouble with my
boat on the raging Wabashl Worm
eaten. What is the trouble with the
American Navy Worm-eaten, tool"
You mean the hullsi" the reporter
asked.
"What dyer sayl" shouted the Secre-
tary; "the hulls3 Yea, the hull darned
concern-root, stock, an branch"
"Where would You propose toto
pputty up the AFFAIR." inquired the re-
porter, in some liquidation.
This seemed so important question
that, before answering it, the hero of
hundred canal-storms served another
grog ration. Then he hi,ched his chair
nearer the reporter and whspered
fright here I'd commence right
here: The trouble with the American
Navy is that it's leaky."
THE shipsl"
"Shiver the ships! They don't amount
to shucks. It's the bureaus that are
leaky."
Now the reporter had heard of orna-
mental sideboards and rocking chairs,
and other fancy furniture having been
put aboard ship by our luxurious naval
otficers-but bureaus more dear and
apropos to the feminine soul than t.
ships-bureaus, never! And if the but
rcaus did leak, how should that affect
the navy2 Too much conjecturing made
the reporter sad, and he wanted to 90
home, but duty forbade, aud he could
only murmur, interrogatively, "Bureausl"
"Ay, nay hearty!' cried the Secre-
tary, "they all leak. The Bureau of
Equipment and Repairs, the Bureau of
Yards and Docks, the Bureau of Con-
struction, the Bureau of Steam Engi-
neering, are all leaking. The Navy
Yards leak; zoe leak here-and," with
| a lurch to leeward, as he put his finger
| to his nose, "l'm not sure but I'm leak
| ing to you"
! But how is Putty going to help youl"
swell, first and foremost, there's the
ships. We've got any quantity of iron
clads that would sink if they weren't
aground on the iron-rust that has scaled
from their sides. Now, water can't get
through putty. Why shouldn't l putty
the iron. cladsl'
"And the wooden shipsl"
"Bet,er and better We've got dozens
of wooden ships with heroic record,
that are only kept ahoat by the buoy
sncy of the barnacles on their bottoms.
Putty is the thing for them, too"
"But your bureausi"
The sad-eyed Navigator of the Wa
bash hove sigh (nautically speaking, it
is the only thing he ever does heave),
then ordered grog, and modify re-
marked:
"Grog is good" He remained sunk
in deep thought for many minutes, at
length he raised his head and asked:
"My son, when you were boy, did
you ever play wit, Puttyf"
Certainly" the reporter replied; "ter-
rible stuff So soft so sticky Dough's
a delight compared to it!'
did you ever" inquired the Score
tary, pursuing a train of thought, "did
you ever, when handling Putty, find it
possible TO employ your hands in any
thing elsel'
Certainly not"
"Then," cried the Secretary, "if l were
to supply plenty of Putty to the Blu
reaus, and mark it "Public Property"
don't you think the Bureaus, with their
Commissioners and Deputies, and Second
Assistants, and the rest, would plunge
their hands in it TO tine relief of the
public freasuryi"
True" answered the repoter. at is
so. Selahl'
,,It .h.u - loon ,,urunurod thn tar