The new Northwest. [volume] (Portland, Or.) 1871-1887, 1878-12-19
Natural HistoTy--The Philanthropis.

Natural HistoTy--Ihe Philanthropist.
"Whot is this, kind teacher ,"
This, dear boy, Is "A modern philan-
thropist. Take good look at him, for
be isn't long for this world"
Does he inhabit this country ?"
"He does, aud perhaps all others,
though it Is in America that he gets
his ful growth, and j. oftenest heard
Of"
"Efe seems fat and healthy"
"Nes, so he j.. That is one Of the
chief characteristics of the philanthro-
pist-other people may get lean, but he
Keeps fat on his ribs"
"What Is his disposition-1gly9n %
NO, very kind and amiabie, as a
rule. He'd crawl under a fence rather
than climb over 10 and iniure the top
rail. He syapathizes with the unfor-
tunate, sheds tears with the bereaved,
and never meets a ragged boy without
predicting that the lad will some day
become foreman Of fire company. and
from thence To President Of the United
States"
do they go I'm droves ."
"No; the philanthropist fourishes
best alone, like a quack Doctor Two
of them couldn't hold partnership a
werkn
"W What is his principal food ?''
"He lives mostly on the0ries.n
Name some OF them"
His first theory is the amelioration
of the condition Of man. He has an
idea that every one but himself needs
reforming or lifting up. and be bites of
great hunks Of this theory and gulps
them down without chewing. His next
theory IT, the condition Of the poor. II
be is rich himself, be is certain 10 be-
iieve hat all crimes aud ideas Of crime
originate with the poor. He is continu-
ally Wishing 10 found big homes for
poor children, where they could be more
sys-e alati :aily pounded and starved.
aud made 10 feel their nOthingness.
He'd like to see half the surface OF the
country covered with asylums, hospi-
tails, free boarding-houses, and so forth,
aud the other half with sheets Of fools
cap paper covered with his pet theo-
ries.n
as be a successful animal %
"In some RESPECTS. Many family
has starved to death, with the greatest
success, while living Ia the shadow Of a
philauthropist's residence"
as he very strong ?''
- lA MS VINCE UAe u lENAAafl TO
roll a barrel OF flour, paid for by him
self, across the street TO a poor widow.
he would break down before be got
started"
"Are bis habits nocturnal 90
"Not particularly so. He may be
met At MONDAY shedding tears over the
condition OF the African heather, while
his own son is around the coruer steal
ing apples, or he can be seen in the
evening figuring the cost Of an asylum
for cross-eyed cats"
"And he is not regarded as a useful
animal ?n
NO, except in some few particulars
He has taught US by his failures that If
man wants monument, he must
leave money % build IT,, and If the
wicked are to be reformed, men must
90 70 them aud take them by the hand. &"
"rhen the philanthropist Is not a ro-
bust animal?n
"No; be is not what he seems. Take
his gab aud his theories away, and his
ribs would fall in. One by one he is
passing away. They are found dead al
most daily, and the funeral services are
short Ii won't be many years before
the man who drops two cents into a
poor boys hat will neither get a fifty
dollar newspaper puff, nor be called q
philanthropist." ."-DetrOH Free Press.