Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1878-06-06
Humorous.

/ The lightnirg-rod agents will soon be
gin to operate. Spare the rod-but
! spoil the agent.
Yes, "gsaid a man as he bent his ell
bow to raise the twentieth glass ofbeer,
" 1t Is overwork that kills.
/ Don't spank your children with the
boOtjack. 1t is too hard to hold, and
Is apt to make bunions on your thumb.
/ -Haackeye -.Ea
When you see fellow talking TO a
iamp-post, you can make up your mind
he is prompted by bad spirits. -Port
Chester Journal.
Mr.. Post, of Ohio, who is nearly 100
years old, is missing. He is probably
held for postage somewhere-FTee
Press.
We hear that within the last twenty
tour hours several hundred Fenians
have been struggled into Canadian
packages labeled Canned Fruit. .
Buffalo Express.
Stickney, the circus man, says the
feat of turning triple somersault has
never been done successfully in public,
and every one who has attempted to do
1t has been killed in the attempt.
Aw from Titusville, see," said the
magnificent hotel clerk to the guest
who had just booked You are in oil,
| take it?" In oil !" thandered the
farmer. " No; do you suppose I'm a
sardine ?"
The following is given as fireman's
toast: " The ladies-the only incendia-
ries who kindle flame which water
will not extinguish."
A produce dealer reports that beets
are unusually large this season. Hotel
keepers declare that they were large
enough last year.
1t is probably some satisfaction to a
mule to know that while he cannot
soar as high as the lark. he can sing
just as loud, and kick very mucf~sorer.
What is it that bumps down the office-star,
Tripped up on the landing unaware.
! BY the editor bounding from his lair!
| = is the poet of spring, with the wayy hair.
| Puck.
| Until the middle or latter part OF
June congress will receive a share OF
attention, but after that thel will be no
reason why the public mind should not
| be wholly devoted to base ball.-In indian
apoEs Journal
| Several years ago q young man in
! New Orleans put a sum of money in a
savings bank, and forgot all about it
until recently. when, after reckoning up
the interest, it was found that-the bank
/ had failed.
/ There was two or three hours OF
bright, unclouded, rainless, glorious sun
shine in this part of Iowa Yesterday,
which give rise to the rumor that Pro
fessor Tce had been hanged by mob.
Burlington Hatokeye
Edison has perfected fog-horn that
can be heard ten miles, but when it
comes to an invention for getting his
hired girl up in the morning, he smiles
sadly and falls to musing on the inf
nite-Uhcd Observer.
Why is it, my dear sir" said Waf-
fies' landlady to him the other day,
that you newspaper men never get
rich ?" II do not know" was the re-
ply, " except it is that dollars and sense
do not always travel together"
1t is very true that George Washing
ton never told lie, but then his wife
never made him say he would spade up
the side flower beds and the verbena
mound in the front yard, before he
went down to the office-B,ulin0tOn
HaaCkeye.
Swell-"I want you to make me a
short coat, without tails or seams in the
back. Do you know what | mean ?"
German tailor" Yaas, yaas, [ know
vat you want. You want strait
jacket"
George M. Baker is the author of a
new play for children, entitled "The
Fairy of the Fountain" He says he
wrote it for his children, and that it
contains ten speaking characters and a
chorus. We don't wish to get unneces-
sarily excited, but how many children
has Mr.. Baker got ?-Danbury Neacs.
The young man whose fancy lightly
turned to thoughts of love, about a
month ago, had better begin to bucket
down to business, and provide sinking
fund againstthe advent of the ice cream
! season.
Can you tell me where Washing
tons Monument is?" asked rural gen
tleman in Charles street, Baltimore, the
other day. Just lift your eyes off the
ground" said the person addressed,
rather tartly, land you'll see it" "Well,
| hev lifted my eyes" said the rural par
ty, looking his informant calmly in the
face. an | don't see nuthin' but q
darned old fool"
These are the days when the woman
of the house lights down like an appari-
ton in the midst of the domestic gard
en-, swinging broom, tapping her
skirts, kicking sideways with both feet
at once, swapping her eyes, humping
her back and screeching " Shew there!
| Sheww It's hens.
lie rushed upon her with rush,
He kissed her with kiss;
He pushed her forward with push,
He thought he'd miss the miss.
He told her of the love he loved,
He bushed buShing blush;
But stranger on the scene was seen,
And the young man hushed hush.
l-N01Yist01Un HerdM
A lady, visiting the British museum,
said to one of the Librarians, Pray sir,
havn't you a skull of Oliver Cromwell
here?" q No, madam replied the man
of learning and antiquity. dear me, F"
said she, 81 wonder at that, for they
have a very fine one in the museum at
Oxford"
1t makes suffering man awful mad
to be drawn into a discussion about the
reconciliation of the dollar of our
fathers, "and the necessity of an intro
convertible by-metalic currency" He
may be just bursting with ideas, but the
flow of language in the title of the bill is
what throws him.
The St. Louis Journal has the following
weather item: