Ottumwa weekly courier., 1878-03-06
TAKING AN ELEVATOR

TAKING AN ELEVATOR.
The -Bewildering Experience and
Startling Adventures Of Nrs Tubbs.
From the New York Journ,l of Commerce,
We have heard many inquiries
about. the description of Mrs. Tubb's
experience at A. L. Stewards retail
palace in the year 1872. 1t was pub
lished in the Hearth and Home, but.
as far as we know, has not been re-
printed in book form. It is often read
in public by elocutionists, being
stock piece Of their list, but we have
found no way to answer the demand
for it but by reprinting it in our col
umns.
MRS. TUBES HAS AN ADVENTURE.
Mr. Editor of Hearth and Home.
Your perfectly gentlemanly way of
putting my letter in your paper last
winter, writ as q warnin' to all bad
bad boys on ice, inclines me to send
another letter, which it will be a
warnin' to all young women never to
commit the mistake which 1 did on
Saturday gone week at q big drag
goods store in New York. he'd
heerd considerable about this 'ere
store, but | warn't in no way prepar-
ed for all sec there. Sakes it was
equal to a dozen villages like Vandu-
senburg comm out o. meetin' all at
once. Such a crowd never see, and
the women maulin' of the goods
around without buyin', and the clerks
lookin' on sarcastic, just like you see
in any orncry store. Well l went
about better'n an hour gettin couple
O. pair good hose for my son Jabez.
and seven-eights of yard of stuff for
cheese bags; and sudden, bein' on
common tired, l felt a weak SMELL
comm on and 1 hadn't hardly
strength to ask for chintz for the set
tin'-room sofa.
"Next story, ma'am." said the clerk
kind o lookin' sharp at me, "wouldnt
you like to take an elevator
Well l scas beat! 1t seemed most
uncommon proceeding, and what L
never heerd no gentleman do before,
to ask me to take elevator. l had
my misgivings what it meant, for our
Jabez, with his jokes and whatnots,
though his father and me is most
strong temperance folks, persists
sometimes in takin' what he calls ele-
wators, which is glasses o. sperrits
and water, calkerlated as he says, to
raise droopin feelings and failin'
strength.
"Sir," says I lofty as could, ~ pre-
fer not and to my mind you'd do bet
ter for q respectable shop not to be
offerin' elevators, leastwise not to
me-" So 1 kept walkin' round, not
likin' to ask questions showin' my
country ways. and still feelin that aw-
sui feelin' of goneness which them as
has weak spells is subject to, when
another clerk, hearin' me ask for
chintzes, said something again about
my takin' an elevator, By this time
l felt dreadful, and says 1, maxim up
my mind that 1t was York fashion,
and it warn't best to seem to back
country. "Thanks to you SIR" saws
II don't mind tryin' something of the
kind, bein' most remarkable thirsty" I"
Certainly ma'am," says he, bow
ing careless toward stand holdin' q
fancy pail with spigot to it, full of
what l might have took to be water,
judgin' by the taste, but know we'll
enough that it was some deccitful
genteel kind of liquor with the taste
and smell taken out, like they do to
benzine and castor oil. No sooner
had I swallowed a goblet of it when
the young man pinted to little room
which, if you'll believe me, Mr.. Ed
itor. give the queerest kind of jerk
you ever see, just as looked in, and
seein' comfortable sofas all around
the walls of it, stepped in. There
was other ladies goin' in, too, go we
all sot down, and 1 couldn't help won
dering if the poor things had been
takin' elevators like me. at won't
do no HARM" said l to myself, ':to sit
here minute or two till this weak
spell passes off," when massey on me |!
if didn't feel myself AGo1N' Up! Yes
agoin up, with me the room, and So
fas and ladies all i clutched ahold
Of the cushion and stared kind o.
wild like as not, for one of the ladies
bit her lips as if contemplating to
laugh, and still we was all goin up,
leastwise SO it seemed. "It's all ac-
count of takin that elevator" thinks
to myself, and then it come upon me
how uncommon appropriate the word
was meanin' a drink, though often
had heard Jabez's pa scold him for
using that vulgar expression. But l
couldn't help feelin' scared, particular
when see, all of q suddent, men and
women kind o. walkin' about in the
air. Once jumped up to go out of
the room. but man workin' some
clockworks in the corner held out his
hand. Sin one moment madam" ga i'd
he, pushing me back with such an air.
"Did you take elevator ?" 1 whis-
pered to the lady sitting alongside of
me. She nodded her head without
saying nothing, and from hen queer
look l reckoned she was worse affect
ed even than was.
"It's the first one, l ever took in
my life here in New York." continues
I; sour country elevators is more
positive to take, but they don't have
nothing like the effect, though must
say such things never oughter to be
took except in sickness"
"Now madam, says the clock man,
very pompOus, "you wont have no dit
ficulty now. Sure enough. I didn't
have no difficulty. For mint the
effect of the elevator passed off sud-
dener than it came. / followed the
ladies out lively enough, but sakes
alive what a time had findin' the
street door! Inever was SO bothered
in all my life, though I knew all
along what was the matter, but Just
kept on without asking no questions
of nobody, and finally agoin' down
stairs, and down stairs, and expectin'
nothing else but to find myself in the
kitchen, if Mr.. Stewards family lives
anywhere in the building" which is
most likely, there bein' enough room
I should think. Well, to make long
story short, how I ever got out Of
that store don't ever expect to know,
but after once ketched sight of them
glass doors 1 didn't turn neck nor
heel till stood out on the sidewalk
explainin' private to a police that I'd
been talkin' a elevator, and wouldn't
he put me in q downtown stage. To
this day haven't said a word about
the business to Jabez, nor husband,
nor no one to home. Some things
had best be bygones. But feel it
bounden duty, Mr.. Editor, to warn
all respectable females, great and
small, not to be led into takin' elewa-
tors when they go into them York
stores, least of all this new-fangled
kind which is equally fatal in conse-
quences to pure sperits, and tastes
like nothing on earth but water,
which leads you to taking too much.
Hoping you will print these honest
words for the benefit of all concerned,
I am, most respectfully yours to COM
mard, JANE E. TUBES.
Ralph Waldo Emerson delivered
his new lecture, "The Future of the
Republic at Boston on Sunday. In
speaking of our civil system, he ex-
plains how perpetual appeal to the