Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1878-08-12
HOW TO MANAGE A HOG.

At midnight the summons came. Maria
Ann thrust her elbow cleverly between
two Of my ribs, and whispered in ghostly
accents "Joshua there is a hog in the
garden" I have lived with Maria long
enough to know that she expects me to
catch her ideas instantly, and although
she had not said anything about it, |
knew that she anticipated that I would
Immediately rise in my might and go
for that hog. accordingly arose in
my might and began cropping around
for my pantaloons. | felt that without
them I could not appear to that adyan-
tage that would command the respect of
the hog. l had no idea we possessed
SO much wearing apparel until | began
to inventory it, in the dark, while look
ing for my pantaloons. I got hold Of
articles with founces, and with embroi-
derry, and with strings, while Maria kept
whispering through the gloom "That
hog will eat up all the potatoes before
you get down stairs. You are fearfully
slow" I suppose she whispered for
fear the hog would hear her and become
offended. She never could bear to give
any offense. She never could bear to
give offense, not even to hog, except
ing me- All this time was trying on
things that did not fit me, but finally [
lit into some sort of a garment, that had
what was intended for row of buttons
on it, and I buttoned it up, although
there was light and airy cheerfulness
about it that did not seem entirely fa-
miliar. I got half way down stairs,
when it suddenly occurred to me that
the hog was not in our garden, for the
very good reason that we had no garden
for hog to get into, still We had a
cistern, and the hog might get into that.
It would be just like hog. This
thought so startled me that [ rolled
| down to the bottom of the stairs, feat
made easier from the fact that l seemed
to be pretty we'll tangled up in the
garment I had adopted. Maria Ann
who always proves equal to any
emergency, soothed me good deal
by coming to the top of the stairs
and calling me an idiot, and other
pet titles she is in the way of applying
in moments of tenderness.
| | got out Of the front door as soon as
possible, and the hog, who was looking
at the house from the front yard, appar-
emily with view Of renting it, stood
appalled,. did not wonder at this. In
my haste in dressing | had inadvertant-
| ly put on Maria AIMS poIonaise, and it
stands to reason that man arrayed in
a white night-shirt and blue polonaise
rushing from the front door of house
at the solemn hour of midnight, must
present an appalling spectacle to any
hog. After recovering from his momen-
tary astonishment, the hog took three
more kinks in his tail, and scooted three
times around the yard. The front gate
was wide open. but he never thought Of
going through that. He seemed to be
looking for good place to jump over
the fence. tangled myself up in the
polonaise again and took flying leaI
into the yard, landing on my left eye
brow. We do not give women half the
credit they deserve. I am convinced
that it requires more downright genius
to pilot a polOnaise, cut with darts il
the back, and trimmed with knife-pleat
ing, than it does to manage nationa'
presidential convention. The hog raI