The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-09-06
CLIPPINGS.

says Aedrney- An! VINO WOuldHtY'-
Free Press.
Did Eve have bathing dress AElmi-
IA Advertiser. She had nothing else
Oil City Derrick
Distrust the religion of the man who
finds happiness in the belief that his
neighbOr is to be damned
a contemporary says marriage is like
an electrical machine, 1T makes YOU
dance but you can't let CO.
When married men complain of be-
ing in hot water at home, it turns out
that half the time it's scold
A Colorado girl, Miss Euniee Stone,
always kisses the editor she visits. OH
Eu-nice Stone.-KeOkuk Constitution
1t must be Notifying to be overcome
by small green cucumber, but we feel
willing to take'our chances on basket
of ripe peaches.
The 1000 young women of Cleveland
who are pledged not to associate with
young men of cOnvivial habits, are get
ting very lonesome.-St. Louis Jour.
The craze of the Chicago women over
jail birds is not ineXplicable. Women
like birds; and they generally visit the
man who has been a robbin.-Chicago
News.
Whenever young ladies learn so to
won't scratch fellows wrist, there will
be more marriages.-Turners Falls Re
porter.
A lady inquiries of the Agriculturist
II there is any way to remove hair from
the face without injuring the skin.
Why, certainly, dear. Box his ears till
he quits.
Mrs. d. A. Dodd, of Humboldt, Iowa,
last week gave birth to her twenty-sec-
ond child, a boy. She has seven pairs
of twins.-Family man of the ST. Louis
Journal.
There's no place like home"-unless
it's some nice young girls home, when
the old folks are at class meeting, and
the match box is empty.-ROmeo of Ell
mira Gazette.
We have just been thinking how Ian
guage came into the world. 1t was du-
ring Adam and Ewes first quarrel, when
one word brought on another.-Cincin-
natl Saturday Night.
When you hear a lot of women at a
watering place hotel slandering another
you may be sure she has better ward
robe than they, and that she is minding
her own business.-Hotel Mail.
Everything that we read of Mrs.
Hayes, remarks the Providence Journal,
increases our respect for her, and CON
firms our early formed opinion that she
is Il woman with no nonsense about
her.
docs lager beer intoxicate?' That's
the question which thousands in the
community are industriously trying to
settle just now. Important questions
like this require any number of expert
mentors.
A temperance paper called the Pledge,
and published at Harrisburg, has sus-
pended, the editor bitterly remarking
that che cannot live upon wind" And
yet he evidently supposed that his read
ers could.
A little Cincinnati girl, when asked
what God made her for, replied, TO
wear red fodder in my hat Many an
older person of her sex has, to all ap-
pearances, much the same conception
of heavens designs.
It's the fashion nowadays when a
girl gets married to send samples of the
wedding dress for her friends to dream
on instead of a chunk of wedding cake
1t isn't half as apt to attract the mice
and never greases the pillow case.
When a man is due at a lady's at 6
P. NJ, and he goes into a barber-shop
ten minutes before that time to get shay.
ed, and discovers ahead of him a man
with eight children to have their hair
cut, he has not the slightest regard for the
third commandment.
A friend of ours cOurted a lady fol-
twenty-eight years, and then married
her. She turned out to be perfect vi
rago, but died in few days after the
wedding. "Now," said our friend in a
escaped by long courtship"
On an old tombstone in a cemetery OF
Litchfeld, Conn, is the following in
scription: Sacred to the memory of in
estimable worth of unrivalled excellence
and virtue Mrs. Rachel, wife of jerome
B. Woodruff and daughter of Norman
Barber, whose ethereal parts became a
seraph May "A, 1885, in the 22d year OF
her age
Mary, my love, do you remember the
text this morningg' No, pa, never
can remember the text; have such q
bad memory BY the way, did you no
tice Susan BROWNE Joined in Mary's
mother. oh, yes; what fright! She
had on her last years bonnet done up, q
pea green silk, black mantilla, brown
boots, an imitation of Honiton collar, a
lazy bracelet, her old earrings, and, such
FAM Well, my dear, your memory
is certainly 'bad.''
At one of the Whitehall Sunday
Schools a teacher was instructing hel
class about the Prophets. She finally
put the question, "Why don't we have
prophets now ?' and asked boy who
could anser it to hold up his right hand
A little hand of six year old boy went
up quickly. "Well, my little man, why
is it we do not have prophets now %
Because, ma'am, my papa says that the
times are so hard and so many men have
gone into selling goods that profits are
knocked higher than Gilroy's kite.''
Two Englishmen were out shoot
ing; one had license and the Other
hadn't. The keeper approached, and
the man that had license ran away
The keeper was good runner and an
exciting race ensued over about mile
and half of nice plOwed fields. At last
the keeper got up to the runaway. "Now
sir, where is your license?' 1t was
produced. Then why did you run
awaye' NOh, I'm fond of exercise, y
answered the man; "but don't you think
YOU better ask my friend if he has one ?
So many exaggerated stories about the
heat have been put in circulation during
the past few weeks that some of ouI
readers may be dilatory in crediting q
statement made by a correspondent writ
ing from ST. Louis. He says that during
the recent hot wave in that city ''tIiree
human skeletons in a medical college
perspired profusely and called for soda
cocktails, while an Egyptian mummy
1, 600 yeas old, in the Professors room
begged to have its wrappings removed
and cabbage leaf placed on its head .
Our correspondent fails to give his name
When man enters the postoffice, and
sees woman standing at the delivery
he braces up, smiles, and concludes to
wait patiently few moments If there
are two women there he sneaks up be
hind them and tries to wink TO the clerk
to get his mail. But when one of the
women enters into conversation with the
official as TO the reasons why the maya
zine has not come, and how long before
1t will be here, and if he is sure he look.
ed In the right box, the citizen Jams his
hat down over his eyes and strides out
of the postoffice lobby In a way that
would do credit to a professional pedes
trian. The next day he negotiates for q
lock box.-Rome Sentinel
A real mule was one of the attractions
in the play of THE Forty Thieves as
produced last night No sooner had
Ali come out of the cave with his bags
of wealth, and attempted to put them on
the hack rsf the boast than n. I,rc,.,, Ii