Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1878-12-20
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not noted for activity of body or energy of
character, and before the honeymoon was
over, awakening one morning, he found
his spouse in tears.
''My love-" he said, ''what is the mat
ter ?''
20, I've haG such dreadful dream!"
"Why, what was it?"
81 thought was going up Fourth ave-
nue., when I saw sign, Husbands for
Sale So many women were rushing in
that I followed. just then they were selling
a splendid specimen for 81 ,5O0,''
'sBut did they all bring as much as
that ?'' gs
so, not They went at $1,000, 5000,
and so on down.
"Well, did you see any that looked like
me ?''
Yes, indeed. But they were tied up in
punches like asparagus. and sold for ten
cents bunch.''
A POPULAR FALLACY.-The editor
presented bill for eight years back sub
scription.-The old farmer was first
amazed, then indignant. He put on his
spectacles. scrutinlZed the bill, and after
assuring himself that it was genuine. he
exclaimed: ''I've been supporting this
yere paper for nigh onto eight years, and
I never had no such thing as that flung at
me before. I'll stop supportln' it," He
not only withdrew his valuable support,
but failed to pay the bill .-Ne,cark Journal.
A grave. cynical old army officer the
other day rebuked some friends who were
laughing at the peculiar actions Of some
newly married doves near him. ''Stop
that" said ho ''Hats off to the only
class of truly happy mortals in the world.
Let them alone. God knows it will lie
short enough with them at best.''
A gentleman died not long ago who had
been addicted to his cups. One who was
not aware of bis habits was making inqui-
ries of the family physician in relation to
his death, and, among other matters, asked
about his spiritual condition. sit was ex-
cessive," replied the doctor; that was what
killed him.
A South Hill woman thought she had
mighty fine thing on the family discussions
when she married deaf and dumb man
but it makes her so mad to see him calling
her names and saying mean things with
his fingers, that she can't understand, that
nearly all the hair has fallen out of her
head.
A lawyer had his portrait taken in his
favorite attitude standing with his hands
in his pockets. An old farmer remarked
that the portrait would haye born more
like the lawyer had 1t represented him
with his hands in another mans pocket
instead of his own.
One of our lady correspondents says
ssThe girls should cease to be kissed by
their gentlemen friends when they put on
long dresses.'' We never kissed anybody
in our life, but we'd just like to know
what difference the length Of the dress
makes. .l.E gf}1
It is safe to say that there would be a
great.deal more bread cast upon the wa
tiers than there is, if people were only sure
it would be returned to them with ten per
cent. interest. 1t is the uncertainty Of the
investment that makes people hesitate.
Saws the Worcester ''Press:'' Faith is
sometimes personi6ed as drenched female
clinging to a sea-washed rock; butt better
decentralization would be a bald-headed
man buying bottle Of patent hair re-
storer.''
links says he knew money lender who
kept the trunk containing the securities
near the head of his led, and lay awake to
hear them accumulate interest. We have
just such sssklnfint'' in our town.
The man who goes to church simply be-
cause he has nothing else TO do may not
be heather, but he is certainly an idle
worshipper.
No matter how hard it is to find rock
ing-chair during the day, a man is sure 10
fall over when he is in search of the
matchbox after dark.
Ihe merrleSt place in the universe is
just beyond the earth's atmosphere for |
there all bodies lose their gravity.
'sTake away woman asks a writer, and |
what would follow?' That's easy. The |
men.
The only man who is allowed by the !
public to to put on airs::is drum major.
Ewes last words on leaving Paradise
were, Il don't care, A-dam''
The first duty on T-Don't forget to
cross it.
Persons of abandoned hlbits-dealtrs in
Did clothes.
When is a man a part CT fshing-tackle?
When he IS afoat.
The first bush created is, of course. the
lder bush.
A man behind the age should lie fei On
A peer with out an equal-Shakespeare.
A bad thing to keep-late hours.
Openings for dentists Mouths
A real helpmate- The carver. He
A matter of taste-Tippling.