The Milan exchange. (Milan, Gibson County, Tenn.) 1874-1978, 1878-08-01
The Abused Woman.

And who has not observed also that the
disagreeable and painful peculiarities OF
this type Of woman really grow out OF
originally good and praiseworthy m
stincts? They are the results of virtues
exaggerated until they become vices.
The abused woman is really self-sac-
riicing and obliging. She viii put her
self to any amount of trouble to serve
or accommodate her friends, but alas
she will manage to make them feel what
obligations they are under. She IS IN
her glory if she can only seem to be
forced by circumstances to some pam
full over exertion, such, for instance, as
sitting up all night, losing sleep and ia
tiguing herself to death for some one
who is sick; and in recounting her sery-
ice and self-denial in the matter she
will leave the impression that the pa
tient would much more appropriately
have exchanged places with her. Head
aches, backaches, nervous exhaustion
in the service of others, are her tokens
of achievements which she exhibits more
proudly than the hero of battles exhlo-
its his scars. If it be suggested to her
that it would be more agreeable TO her
somewhat, the air with which she re-
ceives the suggestion indicates that she
regards it as an arising from ingratltude
or lack of appreciation 1t gives her
good chance to assume her favorite role
of the unappreciated and abused wo-
man. Yet no one is really more unset
fish than she in performing service for
those of her friends who need it.
The abused woman apparently en-
joys being imposed upon just as many
invalids seem to enjoy poor health; it Is
a sort of distinction. If she can only
persuade herself that an unfair share OF
toll and care is left to her in household
arrangements, she has something upoh
which to plume herself. To this end she
will voluntarily perform work that has
been left undone, or that should have
been performed by others, and then set
it down to her own credit and their dis
credit. 81 had to oversee the cleaning
of the yard" or 81 was compelled to
carry the coal myself" or 81 was OBJ
liged to 90 down town after those gro
ceries," is her complaint, when in fact
all she had to do was to command the
service of some one to perform these
things. But this would not be cOnso-
nant with her fondness for appearing in
the role of an imposed-upOn person. it
would deprive her of the chance of i'm
pressing her Importance and self sacri-
tice on others.
To overwork herself seems to be the
especial pride of the abused woman, and
to recount her exploits in this direction
= L. 1ala in at
her friends, especially they of her own
household, deprecate her self-imposed
tolls. To attempt to reason with her
about it, or TO beg her to spare herself,
only seems to deepen her determination
to place herself in the list of martyrs.
She will relate with gusto how she was
suffering with headache or some other
ache, but notwithstanding stole down
stairs to the kitchen and made q dozen
pies or several loaves of cake, and as 3
consequence was in bed for day. That
her husband and friends were vexed
to the point of anger with her for
such imprudence but seems to
add zest to the exploit and
its narration. If she can only make
it appear that any service rendered to
friends has cost her heavily in fatigue
and been followed by painful conse-
quences, she seems to feel that she has
achieved a triumph. How to deal with
such disposition is one of the most
perplexing problems ever presented in
domestic life. For if one acknowledges
the full value of the services rendered,
the diseased love of appreciation will be
stimulated TO new and more laborious
efforts by the praise bestowed, while to
deprecate such self-imposed toll is only
to be set down as unappreciative and
ungrateful.
When the abused woman is herself so
circumstanced as to require the care and
attention of others, this disposition takes
on new, painful and notifying forms.
If she needs any thing she is careful not
to mention it at the time or to those
whose interest and sense of duty would
impel them to provide it.. But when
the need is passed or the opportunity
for providing for it is gone, it is mem
toned, in the form of a complaint. 81
wanted some lemons so much to-day"
or "If l only could have gotten ice for
my head" or, eff l could have had
hot BATH" is the first intimation her
friends have of wants that no one could
have guessed. And if it is intimated
that she should have mentioned the
want at the time, the only reply is the
resigned, ''Oh, didn't want to trouble
yOu," that carries with it world of re-
proach, and says palmer than words, 81
am. of no consequence anyway"
The greatest compliment and proof
of confidence that one can show to near
friends is to take it for granted that
they will render eheerfully every needed
service of affection. This is what puts
the sharp point on the conduct of the
abused woman. By implication all her
friends would willingly impose upon
her, would disregard her wishes as of
no importance, and would grudge to
supply her wants in sickness. These
implied accusations every rightly dis
posed person will resent, and hence it
is that between her friends and the
abused woman often springs up a
species of antagonism. She cultivates
the air and cherishes the thought of suf-
fering from neglect and lack of appreci-
alton, while they resent the implied re-
proach and learn to avoid receiving any
service at her hands.
In the relation of wife the abused
woman is thousand fold more disa-
greeable than the shrew or the virago.
Almost any thing is more endurable to
husband than the sir that says " | am
a martyr" whenever any extra burden
falls on domestic duties, or the pressure !
of business or even involuntary pre-oc-
cupation causes him to forget to render
an expected service. To attempt to re-
move such burden or atone for such |
neglect is but an acknowledgement of
the Justice of her grievance and invites
a repetition, when the occasion arises,
of the display of the martyr spirit.
The most discouraging thing about
the whole matter is that this disposition
is almost hopelessly incurable. 1t has
its spring in false ideas of duty and ex-
aggerated self-importance combined
with a feigned humility. The abused
woman will be trial to herself and her
friends through life unless some sudden
I