The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1878-11-09
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

to define "fat money" declared that 'hat was
misprint for ''hat."
No Indian was ever known to have invented
anything-Er. Who invented Indian summer
then and beautiful invention 1t is, too.
They were punning badly when Smith said
'Iowa man two dollars" and Jones replied
SOHO man too" Funeral notices tomorrow"
Ottawa men are ON our streets buying potatoes
Our home buyers hold them lcvcl.-Ne'adotd But
btin.
Ah-there's where all those Iowa potatoes
come from.
I shall not marry st. Louis girl ! have
been sat down on, but don't want to be stepped
on.-S. J. 7Wien.
The balance of trade is largely in our favor,
and il will doubtless remain SO, so long Bayard
TAYLOR is to be revctualed in Germany.-Chicdgo
Times.
Lawyers are never more in earnest than when
they work with will-that is, If the estate is
valuable. Boston Courier.
A subscriber to Nebraska paper wanted to
know why the paper was so damp and the edi-
tor cruelty responded that he supposed that it
was because there was so much due on it..
1t is hard to understand why ladies are so
deuced particular about having the latest fancy
in stockings Hose going to see them, any way!
-BeJord miniature
A healthy bridegroom, an army muskct and
an ounce of bird-shot, all working tremendously
together will discourage a sercnader quicker
than thunder shower-Detroh FREE Press
"The day the baby learned to creep" is touch
ing little poem just out. The year the boy
learned to swear has not yet been embalmcd in
heroic verse.
There is something nice about the balance Of
trade. worthy farmer who comes into town
loaded with new wheat almost every dry, goes
home loaded with old rye.
The spirit of emulation in funerals is in strict
obedience to public sentiment Coming from the
burial OF friend a Danbury young woman said
10 ncr mother; "Did you ever see such Il cheap
looking psc"'-Danbuy Necs.
The grcenback craze finds an exact solution in
what Abe Lincoln would have called "litte
story"
"Well John, have you thought over this
Greenback question: 'Yes, little was the
reply. "And have you reached any conclusions"
'Wpl 1t seems to me that it is like a rum-drink-
er's bottle. It's full of temporary consolation
and eternal foundation
'Kecp still upper-lip, don't spit tobacco juice
on your white vest, and never bet high on two
pair" was a Chicago mans advice to his son who
was going out in the world to carve a name and
fame for himself.
Now, then, having solved the problem of the
division of the electric light, will Prof. Edison
put his wonderful genius TO work and explain
why IL mans gas bill is just as big when he re-
solves to cconomizc and use but three burners
as when he lets the whole fourteen blaze every
aight?
GIL Hamilton says that the bloody shirt was
'buried alive" and that it is the duty Of all pa
trio,, 10 dig the thing up again. The shirt may
be alive, but it is alive with vcrmin.
Is it wonder authors so often go crazy? One
OF them, writing on reconcile theological sub
lect, had occasion to quote Chron xiv 10: "a
sound of going in the mulberry trees" and re-
criyed his work from the printer with the word
"going" changed to gong" and this note in cX
planation: "We were obliged to change your
manuscript Did you ever hear of such an in
strument AS ~ going? We have looked through
all our dictionaries, and we can find nothing Of
it. We have printed it gong, and that must
have been what you meant"
Last week we advertised for bran new stove
pipe joke The following have been handed in,
and the authors all settled with save two, and
our detective has just tcegraphed us that he will
have both of these before another moon is hung
tr'i an.rtercd;
No. r. Why is stoyepipc like political can
didate? Because it is all hollcr author killed
on the spot)
No. 2 Why is a stoyepipc like broken leg?
Because ii is painful operation TO join ii togeth-
er. lPootman who brought this is fOully muir
dcrcd)
No g. Mr.. Editor: You can get up new
joke on a stoyepipe about its being like toper's
arm--Hlways crooking its elbow" (No name;
detective on the tra)
No 4, "a stovcpipc is the devils best ally. 1t
makes even daacons fall from grace 0luncd
him two days. Found him. Verdict: "Death
from unknown causes.'D
No. j. 4 swallow built Il nest in stovcppc,
but when the hired girl built fire with Kerosene
he llue away. Convicted and will be hung next
friday
No.6 What pipe is never the pipe of peace?
A stoyepipe CIhe other man the detective is
after. Chances good to catch him. Look up
that stuffed club, John. Yum, Yum! Bc,lud!
Bc-ludD
No. Z. The season Of the year approaches
when the fond husband and father is called upon
10 arrange the stoycpipc in the winter kitchen.
A strong man can endure the presentation of Il
notice 10 pay note in bank when he has no
money; he can endure the gentle persuasion of
the highway robber, but when he comes to ad-
justing the joints of stovcpipc, the climax Of
human endurance is reached (Saycd from
any trouble by dying on his own moton.)
No 5. Grocsbeck boy, in answer to our ad.
ycrtisemcnt for ; new stovepipe CHOKE" thinks
we would get enough To SCOT by burning egg
coal for awhile. Eggs actly We smoke the
pun man has been sent on to smoke him
OUT
The entries for stoycppc jokes will positively
close this week.-Ca. Br,ohJad Table.
"Why should be afraid? Am not Il soldiers
son? said little four-year-old Afghan in the ba-
zaar Of Peshawur to an English tourist who said,
Don't be frightencd--I want To sketch YOU"
The republicans complain of Tilden's "ciphcr
ing but the worst cipherng we know of is that
which figured Il majority in Louisiana for Hayes
when Tiden carried the State by eight or nine
thousand.
81 can't lose my dollar aud half" said a
young man Of San Saba county, Tex, when, with