The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1878-06-06
Wit and HumOr.

A BIRD in the hand, II 1T Is good
sized spring chicken, is now worth about
dollar.
A MARRIED couple are one until they
Jointly attack somebody else. Then it is
two against one.
IT is dangerous to light match in
Washington while Congress is in session.
Too much gas there.
CHICAGO furnishes 100000 drinks of
whisky day. What city to organize
Tammany society in.
In Philadelphia, to make a julep, all
that is needed is the liquor. The mint
we have always with us.
WE nominate DR.. Mary Walker for
Doorkeeper of the House. She's the gal
that doesn't allow smoking.
AN eminent medical authority states
that hydrophobia can be caught from
cats. From cats you can also catch tleas.
"WHAT's the matter with your eye,
Tommy2' "Oh it's only been going
through an operation at the hands of "A
knockulist; that's ALL"
SWELL, swan, Billy" said an old far
mer to an understood nephew who was
NleltlbS, MN, NucH YOU tame vi tuut
ere plug hat and spit two or three times
there amt much left of you, is th'?'
"YoU should not be out late at night"
said afather to his son; 'night air is very
unwholesome." The son replied: "Do
you think so, father? Then how do you
account for the longevity of the owl and
the batl"
Vu how A y,,ar tfnn sph
where the mistress told one of the big
girls to decline love-" The big girl
simperingly replied, "Decline love, Miss
Jonesl Not me; Id as soon think of de-
clining marriage"
A POLITICAL speaker accused a rival of
"unfathomablc meanness and scoundrel-
ISM and then rising to the occasion,
said IL warn him not to persist in his
disgraceful course, or he'll find that ttc0
Of us can play at that game!
A MAN in Georgia lost a large number
of chickens the day before neighbor
gave great dinner party to which he
was not invited "You see,' he said,
"he was afraid to have me there lest my
chickens should cackle on seeing me-"
"WHY," asked a teacher in Sunday
school, Ibid Solomon tell the sluggard
to 90 to the ant2' Because said 3
year-old boy, "he knew that his aunt
would have him at the woodpile or in the
onion bed every afternoon as soon as
school was out
ale wos a koind MASTER he was. He
thought of me afore he died, and in his
will he said: Il leave to my son William
both them sheep wot was lost last week,
fthey gets found, and in case they dosn't,
leave em to my faithful servant Joseph.
hopes they won't get found
WE SHOULD THINK So.-Ioung Jones
(who has been giving his fathers new
brougham horse little exercise before
the days work. "She don't make bad
saddle horse, Steward, but she's got a
beastly habit of lighting on her knees af-
ter every icnce-instead of her feet
A YOUNG apprentice to the shoe making
business asked his master what answer
he should give to the often-repeated
question, docs your master warrant his
shoes?' ANSWER, Thomas said the mas
ter, "that warrant them to prove good,
and if they don't I'll make them good for
nothing"
LARRY, my wife and have both no.
ticed that the townspeople stare very
hard. hope you haven't been telling
anybody that we are newly married2"-
"Me tell 'em, sorl Is it likely I'd go
agin my express ordersl Why, whinever
anybody thryed to pump me, sor, tould
'em you wasn't married at all
SAID company of young men from
the city to an old farmer: "Why did you
tell us there was good hunting in your
woods2 We've been tramping through
them for hours without seeing a sign of
any game" well, ;" said the old man,
with u wink, 81 suppose the less game
there is the more huntn' there'll be-"
WHEN the late Bishop of Oxford was
travelling eastward to attend the Church
Congress at Norwich, u lady sitting OPP
posite to him commented in tlatterng
terms on the eloquence and ability of the
great Anglican divine, quite unconscious
that she was addressing him. "But why,
SIR she added, "do people call him
Soapy Sam2" well, madam" replied
the Bishop, ~ suppose it is because he
has always been in Il good deal of hot
water, and always manages to come out
with clean hands,
New DEFINITION. A famous Roman
ecclesastic was making his periodical
tour of inspection in the Dublin Sunday
schools. kate Molony,' said he to an
intelligent looking girl, explain the
meaning of the holy Sacrament of Mat
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