The Sedalia weekly bazoo. [volume] (Sedalia, Mo.) 187?-1904, 1878-03-19

!:
People hear that the New York TriBxu
:. Is worth $4,000, and the ST. Louis r.
!. Psbtieaa - much. and they wonder how O
= earth they ever came to be worth 10 much
III We expect the Demoerut is worth abou
$4,000 We know the BAzoo is worth
million and half.
= And here's how We make il.
There never vas anything made, grow,
or created. from tack hammer up to
;, steamship. but What the inventor wante,
;, the newspaper men to ADVERSE it, and I.
pay for halt Of it in his own wares. he re
ceiving cash for the other half.
Piano people beat the world for this.
The other day piano man struck ,hi.
Office ard talked . steady strain oil
parlor grade. upright and Es,y for ,hre.
days and three nights, and never missed q
' note.
Every dav the average newspaper eets 81
bushels Of letters like this:
New YORK, March 2.
/. Editor Ra,oo:
Enclosed you will end our advertisement
and blank contract. Our Mansard Roof
Frescoed Pianos are the hest in the world.
IL YOU will insert our advertisement for six
months and send IA 81 100 in cash. We will
send you one Of our N. X. F. Pa.
Yours,
| P.FrSK.
To which We reply With great haste and
a steel pen:
Pste Faak, Ne~ York:
DEAR SIR:-wi,h . heart overfow;ne
With gratitude. Through the mercy Of the
Lord We thank yon for your liberal propo-
sition. MAY you be rewarded on high.) L,
is with sadness We have noticed tina, the
praise Of God has bsen remarkable thin
throughout this section, owing to the lack
81 pianos. We have al.o noticed, Mr..
Funk. that sacred music. a. heretofore per
formed on tin horns and through fine tooth
combs, does not reach the innermost re-
cesses OF the soul, With the same effective
ness. ~ when scientifically thumped on
Parlor Grand. We have also felt the neces-
sity Of piano, ourself. II any man needs
piano. IL is an editor. For instance, how
encouraging it would be in the morning to
leave home under the inspiring strains Of
when early mornings ruddy light.
BIDS man to labor go!'
Then when We arrive At the Office. to be
saluted with:
''See. the seribbling hero comes"
Then . piano in the composing room
would encourage the compositors with:
RIP. slap set 'em up again,
SET EN- up again, set EN- up again."
Likewise. when . delinquent subscriber
came in, he could be induced 10 ante m by
the pathetic strains Of:
Hard mp, hard up! never shall forget
The days when was hard I'M
And am hard up yet.'
So. too, ~ music has charms to sooshe the |
savage breast, piano would be better than
. policeman for protection when some six
fOo'er comes up to lick the editor. For he
could be claimed down with:
Mister, oh. share that he,
Touch not . single hair
Twas badly thinned by an irate she,
He now has none 10 spare
And he would walk down Stain a. ouiet
a Mary's lamb
On the whole, sir. We accept your propo-
s'tion, and will take 10000 Of your pianos
right of. We will send special train
after them, bearing our first inst.llment.
A for our notes. you can take few out Of
The Pianos-and then you'll be sure they
Are good. You endor-e your pianos, and ,
their notes. Please send ~
nice to learn to play with A,
'one short hymn IS:
''You don't Eve dollar me-"
II you should ever happen to come thia
vay, please call and take supper with US
BRING some sheet music with you, for Ne
Ire short OF bed clothes and the ''bars"
soold keep the skeesem Of. By the time
'ou come ve think We shall b able to en- ).
ertain you with feast Of reason and
low OF soul. Respectfully, |.
The BAzoo.
P.S-Don't forged the ''pianners."
But seriously. ninety-nioe hundredths Of :
hese eastern advertising seeneies are fraud. q
t the FIRST water. and ve only publish the =
hove - IN illustration Of proportions
'hich Ne almost daily receive. b
One fellow invented sheep tass-to put in
heePs ears to mark then. He wanted N
advertise them and take our pay in tsss.
What the ID do We want vith sheep taes! b
Another haa invented IN abominable or e
bdominal supporter. He wants rs to id. .
ertise them and take 'en, for our pay.
lang his abdominal supporter! Will .d- b
ertising his abdomen put anything in or
bdomen? It would Be weak old support y
" rs!
Then some lunatic hes manufactured
The Bloom Of Youth" He wants IN %
Ike ~Bloon" for pay for advertising Y
That in thunder could vs do With his t.
loom? We are already . big Gorgeous ri
and don't want any more bloom.
We tried this business once. We 3D. T
ertised iellow's Hair Rsslorer, n
I'd took six doesa bottles Of IT. al
fe sold one bossls to . partially bald d
d sea captain. Three days afserward Ii
il head Vas - bare - peeled onion and Ii
muck full Of Pimpls! He came around a,
} the Office With double barrelled gun, to a
i'll % on sight; but Ne psci6ed him By r;
Hing him thas the pimp!es were caused By :,
70 hair coming through. The next day We
armed that the pimples had commenced To n<
IN. and ve run too. We took the balance VI
that RessoFer, and labelled il Magnetic in