The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-06-28
Facts and FancIes.

It was Job who first remarked, ITO
the victims belong the boils. brook
Ign Union.
It is conclusive proof of Bishop Nc
Closkey's innocence that he has not yet
been invited to lecture.
When a mans upper story is with
out tenants you will hear his mouth
announce the fact.-Whitehan Times.
"Could ye lind me the loan of a pipe
and tobaccy p" said Pat. 81 have a
match. '-Cincinnat Breakfast Table.
The editor who tried to run a news
paper on compliments died in the poor
house years ago.-Stillwater Lumber
man.
Poet; thanks, no. We have all the
poetry we can use this week. Soak
your head and take a rest---N. o.
Times.
The New York piano makers are on
q strike. Didn't know that was their
forte. Thought they were too grand
and upright to strike.
"What is the outward and visible
sign in baptism ?" said q parson to his
Sunday-sehool class. "The baby, sir, .
was the prompt reply.
The Pope has expressed his earnest
has been made upon the life of the
Emperor William.-Graphic.
ST told her I'd never smoke another
cigar" he said softly, s'and 1 won't.
A pipes good enough for me.'' And
he gracefully drew a match.
If a man has been dead three years
and has living friends who will swear
to it, his name is then dropped from
hn 4 nnio ftirdafnrU -Evnhan0a
The monograph is to be utilized by
adding that machine to all the clocks
in the house, so as to accompany their
striking with appropriate remarks as
to dinner.
A religious sect of people in Prussia
have in one of their churches q bone
which they claim is the identical Jaw
bone with which Sampson slew the
Philistines.
Edison's invention to make a deaf
man hear is well enough as far as it
goes, but what this country wants is
something to make man believe that
a boil on his leg is blessing.
They said to the father of one of the
prize winners at the conservatory: $50
your son has earned his spurs" eyes,
replied the practical old man, sand
| Mrs. A. T. Stewart owns q solitaire
diamond worth S35, 200, which is said
to be the largest in the United States.
1t would make splendid pin for the
clerk of the working wOmen's hotel.
1t is written of Socrates, that passing
through a market, he said: Chow few
OF all these things 1 want" Soc. was
mighty particular man about his
| blaS -NnW nrIaono Piaounna
Mr.. Turner, in a recent lecture at
Manchester, England, averred, with
reference to brass bands, that "no man
was eyer known to blow the largest
horn and live beyond period of three
years."
Lydia Thompson sues for q divorce
from her husband. We suppose the
| gentleman has not been conducting
ticular with her MISUNDERSTANDING
Express.
"My dearI" she remarked through
the telephone that ran to her husbands
Office, "you ought to be spanked fOI
not changing your shirt this morning >
The young bOok-keeper who received
the message didn't feel like keeping uI
the dialogue.
duced a new feature in her school
When one of the girls misses word
the boy who spells it gets permission
to kiss her. As q result, the girls are
becoming very poor spoilers, while The
boys are improving.
We like that church best which toll.
crates sin, and does not interfere will
our prejudices. We resemble the little
girl who wanted to visit her gramma
because "she made lots of ginger snaps
and always kept them on the loWe
shelf."-N. Y. Herald.
SID stay an old maid till got blacl
in the face before I'd marry a maj
who chews tobacco" And she took ,
wad of gum out of her mouth anC
stuck it on the under side of the seat o
her chair for sale keeping while sh,
was eating her dinner.
AS he sits in the white house govern
ing with his lily-white hand this tenn.
pestuOus nation, Uncle Burchardi
nephew Is arrayed among other things
an q black alpaca coat. It is limp anC
easy, adapting itself readily to tn,
spine of Uncle Burchard's nephew.
tWhat was the principal element o
my success ?" asked q reformed milk
man OF wealth at a workingmen's con
Vention, the other day, and behold hi
ragged boy from the gallery an
swered back: "Water, you old cheat I
''The boy stood on the burnin,
deck''-but he only succeeded in say
ing the jack of clubs, the nine of heart
and four of spades. All the other six
ty-seven-we believe there are sevent,
cards in q deck, but we may be wronI
were irretrievaDly ruined.-NorrIs
town Herald.
A Middletown girl placed some near
ly-hatched ducks eggs in her bosom
and thus helped a brood of youni
ducks into the world. Young men ii
. that region will do well to omit, in tn
interests of the poultry crop, their usu
al Saturday evening embraces, unit
after the Matching season.-New Ia
ven Register.
A few hundred congressman threat
en- to 60 to Europe, all in one steamer
Now here is chance tor q patriots
American to make Brutus Of himself
Thomassen dynamite-infernal ma
chine-clock-work arrangement-ex
plosion In mid-Oceani Mere hint
these. They are enough, though, TO
hero with nerve and brains.-Philadel
phia Sunday Dispatch.
When q man casually sits down on
lowly humble bees nest, reason urge
him to sit there till he has squashe,
the animation out of the YindictiV
occupant, but instinct warns him &
keep an Important engagement else
where. This is one of those case
where instinct invariably gets the bet
ter of reason.-St. Louis Journal.
During g matinee at Detroit, tn
II other day, the audience became alarm
ed at the sudden outbreak OF q storm
but the alarm was turned into laugh
ter when Miss Weathersby, ssthe fairy,
striking q ridiculous attitude, shouted
"Blow, wind. come, wreck, at leas
wen die with harness on our backs !
What ticlkled the audience was the alb
surdly small amount of teharnessD o.
her back or Chicago Tri
bune.
A Methodist minister of EaeHsI
descent went to q meeting of confer
ence. On the arrival Of the train q
the depot the baggage was all throw
into q heap, and the minister who's
name began with L., anxious to be OF
, TO his quarters, said to the bsggag
master, "Will you hand me my bag
gage right away it Is marked hell,