The Cambria freeman. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1867-1938, 1878-01-18

Enghshman, up TO his armpitS IN Scotch
bog, of IA passer-by. 81 dinna think ye can
get out of IT," was the response of the
Highlander as he went on his way.
Mistress of herself was the spouse of the
gentleman who contrived to tumble off the
ferryboat into the Mississippi, and was en-
couraged to ruggle for dear life by bis
better-balf shouting: "There, Samuel
didn't | tell you so? q? Now then, work your
legs, flap your arms, hold your breath, and
repeat the Lords Prayer, for it's mighty
onsartin, Samuel, eternity ?''
Thorough ly oblivious of court manners
vas the red-cloaked old Kentish dame who
found her way into the tent occupied by
Queen Charlotte, at a volunteer review
held shortly after her coming TO England,
and after staring at the royal lacy with her
arms akitflb DO, observed: "WeH, she's not
so ugly as they told me she was pa COM
pliment the astouisbed queen gratefully ac
cepted. saying "Well, my good woman,
| am very glad of that, Probably He,
Majesty forgave her critics rudeness as the
on come of rustic ignoi ance ard simplicity.
There is no cooler man than your simple
fellow. While General Thomas was in
speciing the for ifications of Chattanooga
with General Garfield, they heard some one
shout; "Eello mister, You | want to
speak to you ~ General Thomas, turning,
found he was the "mister' so politely hailed
by an East Tennessean sodier.
"Well my man, " said he, "what dc you
want with me?"
81 want get furlough, mister, that's
what want" was the reply.
"Why do you want fnrlough, my man?"
inquired the General,
'.Wall, | want to 90 home and see my
wife,
"How long is it since you saw he. %
Ever since | enlisted nigh on to three
mouths"
"Three months ~ exclaimed the COM
mander. "Why my good fellow, | have
not seen my wife for three years ~
The Tenuessean looked increCulous and
drawled out wall, you see, mo and nny
wife aiut hat sort T.
The Postmaster-Ge General of the United
States once received All odd official COM
munication the Raeborn postmaster, new
to his GutIes, writing to his superior :
Seeing by the regulations that | am
qured to send you a letter of advice,
must plead in excuse that ] have been
postmaster, but short time but | will
say, i: your office pays no better than mine.
| advise you to give it up.' To this day
that Postmaster-G General has not decided
whether his subordinate was All ignoramus
or was quietly poking fun at him.
Spite of the old axiom about self-praise,
many are of opinion that the world is apt
TO take n man at his own valuation. If
that be true. there Is church dig nitary in
embryo somewhere i'll the young deacon,
whose examining bishop felt it requisite
to send for The clergyman recommending
him for ordination, in order to tell him to
keep that young man i'll check adding by
way Of explanation II had the greatest
difficulty, sir, to prevent him examining
me ~ This not to be abasbed candidate
for clerical honors promises to be as worthy
of the cloth as the American minister who
treated his village congregation to one of
Mr.. Beecher's sermons unaware that popu-
lar Brooklyn preacher made one of his
hearers. Accosting. him after service, Mr..
Beecher said: That WIS a fair discourse !;
how long did it take you to write il? ?''
"Oh, | tossed off one evening"" was the
reply.
Indeed - said Mr.. Beecher. "Well, it
took me much longer than that to think
out the framework of that Sermon
"Are you Henry Ward Beecber?" asked
the sermon stealer.
81 am," said that entieman.
"Well, them" said the other, not in the
least disconnected, ''all L have to say is,
that amt ashamed to preach one of your
sermons anywhere"
We do not know if Coleman invented the
phrase, ''As cool as a cucumber ~ but he
makes the Irishman in 1.-The Heir at Law"
says: "These two must be a rich man that
won't lend and borrower for one is trot-
ting about in great distress and t'o.her
stands cool a cucumber" or the TWO,
the latter was more likely to have been in
tending a raid on another mans purse, for
the men whose Every trade is borrowing"
are usually, we might say necessarily, the
coolest of tile cool like Bubb DOddiDgton's s
impecrnious acquaintance, who, rushing
across Bond street, greeted Doddington
with I'm delighted to see you, for am
wOnnaI ful,y m wan # a uniuea ~
Taking cut his purse, Bubb showed that
it held but half guinea.
"a thousand thanks ~ cried his tormen
tor, deftly seizing the coin ''that will do
very we'll for the present - and then
changed the conversation. But asIhe turned
to take leave. he inquired Blythe by,
when will you pay me that half guinea ?''
"Pay you? What do you mean ?'' ex
claimed Doddngton.
'Mean? Why, | intended to borro W
guinea of you. l have only got half; but
I'm not in hurry foI t'other Name your
own time. only pray keep 1t - saying
which, he disappeared round the coroner.
John Phoeuix." the American humor;st,
being one night at a theatre, fancied he
saw friend some three seats in front of
him. Turning to his next neighbor he
said !: would you be kind enough to
touch that gentleman with your stick ?'
''Certainly," was the reply, and that thing
was done, but when the individual thus as
sauited turned, Phoenix saw he was not the
man lie took him for, and became at once
absorbed in the play, leaving his friend
with the stick to settle matters with the
gentleman in front, which, as he had no
excuse handy, was not done without con-
siderable trouble. When the hubbub was
over, the victim said +: ''Didn't you tell
me to tap that man with my stick -
Yes" And. what did you want?'' 60"
said Phoenix, with impertu; bable gravity,
81 wanted To see whether you would tap
II lm noI ~
Jack Holmes" man-about-town, liv-
ing no one knew how, was once under cross
examination by a certain sergeant at-law.
who knew his man too well. Now, sir"
said the learned gentleman, ''tell the jury
how you live ~
"W eli," said Holmes, a "chop or a
steak, and on Sunday perhaps n little biz