The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1878-09-19
Mrs. Whooper'S Affection.

kin's office the other day, ana after
drawing II chair close up to the Judge,
he took a seat, put his hat on the table,
wiped his nose thong htiuily, and said:
Il say, Judge. what do you charge II
man for getting him divorce?'
a divorce. Mr.. Whoopcr? You are
not thinking of that, hope?'
"Well, yes | was, said Mr.. Whoop-
cr, with Il mournful air.
"Quarrelled with your wife,
Not exactly ut-well, | reckon |
might as well explain the matter to
you. You see, | love Pandora we'll
enough. | think a good deal of her,
but, blame it, Judge, | can't stand her
ridiculous ways
''How do You mean?'
"Whv, YOU see. she's Il sonambulist
has habit of walking in her sleep.
She'll get up at night, any time almost,
and so fumbling around the house i'll
the most reckless manner. When she
gets tired she'll turn in anywhere. and
roost until morning. | have found her
twice sitting on top OF the flour barrel,
sleeping sweet as Il baby; three times
I've walked her up in the coal-bin, and
once. when she had the nightmare,
found her hanging across the back
fence-said she dreamed she was pill
low-cuse and that she'd been hung
there after the wash to dry tell you
it tears mans feelings up like thUn-
der
You ought to bear it with greater
resignation
"Well, | have tried to; but | cant.
About month ago, while she was
meandcring around i'll the dining-room,
she kicked over table and made &
terrific noise. Nearly scared me to
death. | thought there were burglars
in the house, and SO | sprung Il rattle
out the window, and fired my revolver
twice down into the entry. When the
policemen came | let EN- in, and we
began search, with pistols in our
hands. Upon entering the dining
room we found Mrs. VIII oper sitting
there, holding an umbrella on her left
arm, as if it was Il baby, while she was
trying to feed it with the vinegar cruot.
Fas asleep, of course! I'm ashamed to
meet the neighbors on the street now;
| can hear EN- smoker rs | go past.
mo doubt Mrs. Whooper was sorry?'
ooh, of course, sorry Apologized,
and all that. Said she'd never do it
again. But only two nights later she
had avision or something which moved
her to rise, pick up my waistcoat and
shirt from the chair, and go out and
bury them in the asparagus bed.
When she came back | was awake. She
had the shovel over her shoulder, and
| watched her seize my socks and false
teeth and start down stairs with them.
| Jumped out of bed and caught her.
| shook her until she woke, and then
she tried to beg off by explaining that
she dreamed she had discovered IL way
of raising waistcoats and artificial teeth
on trees, so that she could pick EN- for
me when they were ripe. That woman
has the insanest old dreams that ever
ratified around in female brain pan. 5"
at is merely her misfortune.
THAT'S true That's so. ! pity
her, but what's man to do? You
know the head board on our bedstead?
No? Well, it's about nine feet high.
Last Thursday week | was walked in the
night by strange noise. | missed
Pandora, but looking around | found
her pcrched on top of the head board
with an open umbrella in one hand
and bandboX in the other. She had
on night dress and a sun bonnet, and
when | asked her what on earth she
was about. she told me to give some
oats to the oil-horse.' Then she kicked
the head-board with her heels, uttered
Il wild cahoot, and the next minute she
plunged head downward upon the bed,
broke three Stats, and brought her aunt
down stairs from the third story, four
steps alta Jump, under the impression
that there had been an earthquake.
When she came to she said she'd been
reading in the papers about the four
finland coaches, and somehow she got
to dreaming she was driving one for
bet Now, tell you, its pretty hard
for man to stand that kind of thing,
isn't it?'
Eyes, of course"
"But | would have stood it if she
hadn't carried il n little too far. She
asked me few days ago to let her tie
a string to her ankle and to mine, so
that when she got up i'll her sleep she
would wake me. | agreed. She said
string, mind you, bus when she came
to do the tying she used the stoutest
kind of twinel Anyhow, ali went well
until last night, when Pandora, while
asleep, became impressed with the idea
that she was crossing the Alps, or
swimming the Atlantic Ocean, or some
thing, for she rose and went over to the
staircase Just as she reached the top
landing her foot must have caught in
the carpet, for she shot down the stairs,
head foremost, like stone out of a
catapult; and, of course, as | was tied
to her, suddenly went booming out of