The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1878-06-13
PASSING SMILES.

An editor offers a reward of s5 for the
best treatise on '' How to make outdoor
life attractive to the mosquito"
FATHER" said asmart boy, q don't
want to go to work. I'd rather have
saloon and keep baseball record"
WOMEN are not much given to the
study OF dead languages. What's the
use? The bonnet is a modern institution.
-Breaktast Table.
"PAPER, sir" asked newsboy. "No.
1 never read" was the blunt answer.
"Hi, boys, come here" called out the
gamin; here's man as is practisin'
for the juryw
A WESTERN editor throws up the
sponge, with the remark that cit doesn't
pay to run paper in a town where
business men read almanacs, and pick
their teeth with the tail of herring"
The man who has never seen two wo-
men In Shaker bonnets trying to kiss
each other has never experienced the re-
Juvenatlng power of a laugh that could
throw him down and kick him in the
ribs.-Breaktast Table.
CHEERILy dawned the morning.
Warbled the wood birds round;
When they brought out the croquet wickets
And laid OF the croquet ground.
Drearily closed the twilight,
Scarcely word was said;
But they carried him out to the graveyard,
With mallet lump on his head.
DON'T tell a man you sweat. 1t is vul-
gar. Inform him that you are being de-
prived of the saline and oleaginous fluids
of your material substance through the
excretories of your pellucid cuticle,
with sensible condensation of moisture
upon the superficial exterior
A sTARE-CAsE-A telescope. Light
work-The gas-man's. A robbin' red
breast-The Indian. A Gorgeous af-
fair-An aldermanic dinner. The best
policy-In the insurance Office that
doesn't fail. Unwelcome settlers-Those
that offer ten cents on the dollar
In recent case for assault, the de-
fendant pleaded guilty. al think I
must be guilty" said he, "because the
plaintiff and I were the only ones in the
room; and the first thing I knew was
that / was standing up and he was
doubled over the table. You had better
call it guilty."
"LEARN to SMILE" urges a contem-
porary. This is pretty advice for an
editor to give, whose task is to mold pub
lie opinion. Young men learn to" smile" +"
soon enough without any newspaper in
>tructions on the subject. 1t is suspected
that the editor owns an interest in
large distillery.
"NoT one man in a thousand marries
the girl he most wanted. ."-Erchange
Yes, but look at the lots of girls who
wanted us, and who didn't marry us.
The joy of this thoughts only equaled
by the sorrow of the thought that an
other girl who wanted us did marry US.
-PHtsburg Leader.
A LESSON IN SUBTRACTION: Aunt
Bella" Now look here, Tommy. Sup
pose there were three apples on the table.
Could take away one and leave threep'
Tommy" Oh, no, Auntie! Certainly
notr' Aunt Bella" And why,
Tommy? Tommy" Because it
wouldn't be polite p'
The great Napoleon set apart s., 900
year for dress. Unfortunately he had
weakness for white kerseymere breeches,
and, being often wholly absorbed with
ink, or gravy, or coffee upon the gar
ments, which he fastened to change as
soon as he perceived the mishap.
WIVES of great men all remind us
We can make our wives sublime,
And departing, leave behind us
Widows worthy OF our time.
Therefore give your wife send-of
By the life insurance plan;
Fix her so that when you end of
She can scoop another man.
THE following conversation lately ec-
CURED in a New England railway sta
ton: Pat Phat is the fare to Put
nam? Agent" Putnam in Massachu-
setts or ConnecticutT' Pat" Phat is
the fareF Agent" Five dollars to Put
nam, Mass, eight dollars to Putnam,
CT" Pat" Well, bedad, Oi'll take the
cheapest"
the head of bill of fare, as he took his
first breakfast in the Bethlehem hotel.
Is that SO, uucle?'' he inquired of the
gentleman of color who stood at his left
side. Yes, sah-yes, sab; that's the
truf-ebery ibing word :" Does the
same man keep it?'' "Well, l don't
know bout that, Nasal" You see, Tse
new here, but Eli 'quire at the office"
TIE pious trooper, very much inebri-
ated, is striving to Chamber into the
saddle, at every effort calling on saint.
"St. Peter to my aid," he hiccups;
"St. Paul, lend me hand! st. Fidelis,
of Sigmaringen, martyr, boost fellow
upp With a mighty effort he throws
himself into the saddle and rolls off on
the other side of lis horse. Not al
together. One was enough" yells the
pious trooper.
THE Duke de Biron, when condemned
to death during the French Reign of
Terror in 1898, ordered, on returning to
prison, oysters and chablis. The execu-
TONER entered rs his Grace was enjoying
the repast Just let me finish my
oysters,,' said the Duke, "and mean
while take glass of wine with me, my
friend; you'll need flip for your
work" and then he filled a bumper for
the turnkey and himself, and presently
went off to be guillotined.
EXTRAvAGANCE is the cause of hard
times" said Nevada capitalist. We
must be more economical. Ten years
ago commenced working in mill IN
Gold Hill at small salary, and in less
than wear ] owned the mill and had
some money in bank" ''You are right,
responded listener with great earnest
ness. "It is possible for man to lay
up 50 ono or So, 900 month on salary
of S5 day, but he must be very econo'