Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1878-06-07
THE PHYSICIAN.
F. q N !!

F. u n
A DEAF EDIToR.-The editor OF a
Santa Clara California; paper is happily
deaf, and thus tells Of his adventures with
female book agent (the book was not a
female, of course):
We thought everybody in the State
knew we were deaf, but once in a while
we find one who is not aware OF the, fact
A female book peddler came to the Office
the other day. She wished to dispose of
book. She was alone in this world, and
had no one to whom she could turn for
sympathy or assistance, hence we should
buy her book. She was unmarried, and
had no manly heart into which she could
pour her sufferings, therefore, we ought to
invest in book.
She had received liberal education, and
we could not, in consequence, pay her less
than two dollars for book. We had
listened attentively, and here broke in
with: "What did you say? We're deaf"
She started in loud voice and went
through her rigmarole. When she had
and, making it into speaking trumpet,
placed it to our ear and told her to pro-
coed. She nearly broke bloOd-vesSel in
her efforts to make herself heard. She
commenced: 81 am alone in this world
- sit doesn't make the slightest diff
ference to us. We are husband and
father. Bigamy is not allowed in this
State. We are not eligible to proposal. :"
sob! what fool the man ISL she said in
low tone; then at the top of her voice:
ST don't want to marry you. want to
sell-a-b-o-o-k."
The last sentence was howled. 1--WE
don't want a cook, f" we remarked blandly
E'our wife does the cooking, and she
wouldn't allow as good looking a woman
as you to stay in the house five minutes
She is very jealous
Size looked at us in despair. Gathering
her robes about her, giving US a glance of
contempt, she exclaimed:
81 do believe that if a three-hundred-
FOUNDER were let off alongside that deaf
FOOLS head, he'd think somebody was
at the door,
You should have heard her slam the
door when she went out. we heard that
SCHNEIDER's TOMATOES. Schneider
is very fond of tomatoes. Schneider has
.a.friend in the country who raises s'garde
sas and sich." Schneider had an invita-
tion to visit his friend last week, and re-
gale himself on his favorite vegetable. His
friend, Pfeiffer, being busy negotiating
with city produce dealer on his arrival.
Schneider thought he would take stroll
in the garden, and see some his favorites
in their pristine beauty. We will let him
tell the rest OF his story in his own lal
guage:
"Vell, 1 walks shust fiddle Whit
roundt, when 1 see some of does demarters
vat vas so red und nice as 1 never dit SEE
any more, und 1 drinks 1 will put minesel
outside about gouble-a-dozen shust t.
geef me fiddle abbetite for dinner So |
bull off Won ov der reddest und best look
ing of does demarters, und dake poorly
good pite out of dot, und vas chewin it
CUP pooty quick, ven dot had peese
of red hot goals in mine mout, or vas
chewing CUP dwo Or dree papers of nee
dies; und l welt so pad, already, dot mine
eyes vas WOOL OF tears, und 1 mate vor an
1olt oxen bucket vot 1 seen hanging in der
veil, as vas gooming along.
Shust den, mine vrlend Pfeiffer game
unit if any of my family was dead. dold
him dot vos der only Won ov der vanity
dot vos poorly sick; und den ask him vot.
kinkCf dermaters dose vas vat had shuSt
been picking; und, mine Gracious, how dat
landsmand laughft, und said dot dose vas
red peppers dot he vas raising yer pebber.
sauce. You pet my life was mat, L rad
der you give fifty dollars as to eat some
more ov dose pebber-sauce derma:ers."
At the opening night of the Stewards
Woman's Hotel, in New York, there was
an immense concourse Of people. A lady,
who had been damned against the side of
the hall in the crowd, accidentally caught
the trimming of her cloak in the button Of
a gentleman's coat. After having been
lowed around few moments in this sort
captor, "I'd thank you, sir, not to pull my
cloak all off me!'' "Good gracious, ma
daniel" he replied, II hope you will cx-
cuse me; but l I'M just as anxious to keep
my own clothes on as you are.''
A gentleman having boosted that it was
easy enough to ''do'' railroad companies
out of their fares. and that he had passed
from one station to another on a certain
road the day before without ticket. Was
approached by an officer of the road. The
gentleman agreed to tell for ''considera-
tion." 1t was paid, and then tie officer
said: Nov tell me how you did it.'' 81
walked quietly replied the gentleman.
A lecturer on peace scared over his au-
dience, saying: "Let us have peace every
where! Let us have peace even at home
I have peace at home! l have been mar
ried twenty-five years, and have not given
my wife one cross word " cause you did
not dare to-" yelled an urchin, who knew
what termagant his wife was.
We read of poor boy in Brooklyn who
was washed overheard recently and killed
We cannot warn mothers too much against
washing their children overheard; if they
would only wash them at home, with tepid
water and soap and dry them thoroughly
afterwards all danger would be averted.
.sWhen tempted to do evil, he wrote
to his Josephine, shine image rises up
before me, and say, sect thee behind