The Centre reporter. [volume] (Centre Hall, Pa.) 1871-1940, 1878-01-17
A HUMORIST'S LECTURE.
What the darlington "tImwh-Kyrp Edtto
Amnw~m aF


knosss Sf aIH.taehe..
Mr.. H. j. Burdette, of tho Burlington
Hd,ek- k-h9e, appeared quite at home ia
the pulpit Of the Hanson Place Metho-
dist Church, Brooklyn, says New York
paper. His lecture on "Tho Rise and
Fall Of the MuHtacho" WIS received
with apparent delight. He followed the
history of the average boy, whom, 10
pcrsonify, he called Tom, through the
trials of childhood and youth, describing
mlnutely hiH efforts at muHtaohe
Tom is unfortunate enough to suffer
from his mothers tonsorial ArtA. She
gnaws around his terrified locks with
shears that have cut miles aud miles oi
calico, hnuifcd innumcrablo candles,
trimmed lamp wiokH, opened oyster cans,
priod up eArpet-taeks, cleaned and trim
med the family nails, and many and
many time have done their level best
30 cut stoye-pipe. She perseyeres until
from the effects of tins overcoming
season for cropping his locks Tom
becomes All object Of terror III the
nelghborhood. Finally, impelled by
fate, he sits down in BARRIERS chair,
and musters courage to call for "a
shave, when an ESau darkens the door
and be has his hair cut again. The
barber finds the boys closely cut head
n very old pasturage for his ordinary
apparatus, DO ne holds Toms hair ia his
teeth aud files it, then Furnishes IL, aud
finally parts It with n straight edge ami
scrateh-all. Long before this epoch IN
Toms history he has cast longing eyes
on the ancestral shaving machine at
home. IL In not necessary 10 follow the
process by which he obtains possession
of the paternal razor, but il is scarce III
his keeping before the blade buckles ON
him. First blood is claimed and
allowed for the steel. He manages 10
nick il, but consols himself with the
thought that his father will never
notice IT, ;" He soaks it with water at
800 degrees Farenheit and slaps il
against his cheek, as he has seen his
ather dO-And swears As he had never
heard his father swear. A series of
grlmaces comfort the upper lip into
proper shape 10 receive the razor. All
at once Tom, perceiYing the embarrass-
ing nearness Of tho nose, falls to spe Gu
latng why n mans upper lip is 30
situated that he himself cannot get at il
except by standing ON his head.
Alter long and exciting "tilt, Toms
upper lip suggested q free fight IN n
straw-cutter. In time Tom gets hiE
mustache To that stage where il can be
felt--is felt, soft felt His sister sug.
gests that he shave It with u spoonful Of
cream aud the family cat, and at this
raillery he smiles, but with u smile that
looks as though II had come up there 10
weep at the baroness of the landscape.
The mustAche is very short in the
middle and yery-no longer at the ends.
Meanwhile he falls in love with some
body, which causes a necktie epidemic,
in which he tries 20 ind colors that will
match his mustache or LAura's dress.
he brushes his mustache 10 make Il
stand out, and wAxes lt 20 make II lie
down; he prays for il and sWears at IL,
and resorts 30 magic dyes, that are
warranted not to stain or iniure the
skin" The first application blackens
his lip 50 much that the room gets
dArker-but each individual hair is
unAtained and untainted. Rugged ont
in boots too short at both ends he form
ulAtes nice speeches ON his way 10 see
Laura. He passes from the weather 70
philosophy, poetry and tO-buslness, all
in imagination. But as he nears the
door he feels his ideas breaking up like
al early spring. His thuughts-each,
every, all and several, on all subjects
that he ever knew about or ever hoped
TO learn of-yAnished. His record that
night As he leaves her home convinccs
him that he IN not very brilliant,
original, conversational success His
pillow that night contains more sleep
lessness than the mosquito that sat up
all night 20 sample a martyrs blood.
He hates everybody, and though he may
live to be AS old As An army overcoat he
will never again feel the same degree OF
ecstatic wretchedness and heavenly
lorlornness as he feels that night
Mr.. Burdette saw Tom safely taken
up, iii not taken in" by Laura, tri-
umphantly interview "pa" and INA :"
described the alteration between these
two about Tom, until 1.-THE debate
closed and they went into executive
session :" told how he demurely put
together much disiointed stove-pipe,
both ends OF each piece Of which was
bigger than any of the other ends in
the lot, " and finally lei, him and Laum
with another Tom, so irrepressible that
the sire has to hire brass band 90 keep
from being lonesome when his hopeful
scion is out