The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1878-05-09

| WHEN man is reported missing
it is because he has been seen with q
girl.
VIRTUE is it's own reward; but little
besides, that will buy something, is gem
orally quite handy. -
A MAN named Canarey is in Sing
Sing. An appropriate place for him.
Breakfast Table.
| PERHAPS it is wrong to go fishing on
Sunday, but if fish are wicked enough to
bite on Sunday they ought to be made
to suffer for it.
A SUNDAY-school boy, of Maysville,
Ky, was asked by the superintendent if
his father was Christian. eyes, sir"
he replied, "but he is not working at it
much
A MISSISSIPPI Judge was Just saying
that no one but a coward would carry q
pistol, when his own fell from his pocket,
was discharged, and the bullet hit law
yer in the leg.
A YOUNG lady was telling friend
about her brother at college. He has
taken the valedictory," said she. elm
deedr' exclaimed her friend. "Do they
ever die of it ?''-Breakfast Table.
THE Belfast (Me) Journal thinks the
Greenback Club is misplaced, with its
headquarters in Universalist vestry-
The Universalists believe in redemption,
and the Greenbackers do not.
WOULD you be exempt from uneasi-
ness, do nothing that you know or sus-
pect to be wrong. Would you enjoy the
purest pleasure-do everything in your
power which you are convinced is right.
A
few days with a farmer uncle, visited
the barnyard, and while looking at the
well-fed cows, remarked, Why, uncle,
just see all the cows are chewing gum,
aren't they"
"WHAR was de sun dis mornin' ?''
asks Rev. Mr.. Jasper, of Virginia.
"Why, dat side O. my house. Whar is
it now? Why. dis side O. my house;
darfur de sun must ha' got roun' it,
an it couldn't do dat standin' still.
Wherefur, de sun moves, sah.'
FIRST law pill-"'Gad, Jones, most
curious question has arisen lately.
There's man in Newton, and the laws
such that they can't bury himI' Second
law pill Earnestly Very astounding,
to be sureI Why, how on earth can
that beT' First law pill (derisively)-
"Why, he isn't dead yeti"
1T is not true that cat always turns
its tail to the new moon. The cat has
no volition in the matter. The moon
attracts the tail as it attracts the tides.
| This is what Addison meant when, allud-
ing to the cat, he remarked that Soon
as the evening shades prevail, the moon
| takes up it's wondrous tail"
TENNYsoN's new poem, "The Ballad
of the Fleet" must be first class pro-
ductien, or the blanket-sheet dailies
wouldn't copy it; but if the same lines
had made their appearance anonymously
the probabilities are that verse here
and there would have been copied and
credited to the "Sweet Singer Of Michi-
gam"
THE wind is unseen, but it cools the
brow of the fevered one, sweetens the
summer atmosphere, and ripples the
surface of the lake into silver spangles
Of bfauty. So goodness of heat, though
invisible to the material eye, makes its
presence felt; and from its effect upon
surrounding things we are assured of
its existence.
| A MAN saw ghost while walking
along a lonely highway at midnight.
The ghost stood exactly in the middle
of the road, and the wayfarer, deciding
to investigate, peked at it with his UNI
brella. The next instant he was
knocked twenty feet into a mud-hole.
Moral-Never poke an umbrella at a
large white mule when its back is
turned.
A CERTAIN parson, who was also
school teacher, handed a problem to his
class in mathematics the other day.
The first bov took it, looked at it awhile,
and said, az pass" Second boy took
it and said, a turn it down." The
third boy looked at it awhile and drawled
out, can't make it." Every good,
boys" said the parson, eve will cut fo1
new DEAL" and the switch danced
like lightning over the shoulders OF
those depraved young mathematicians
l-NeU York Star.
EARTHQUAKE.
giant of awful strength, he dumbly lies
| Far-prsoned among the solemn deeps of earth;
His great-thewed breast, collossal-molded thighs,
And arms thck-roped with muscle uf mighty size,
R. pose in slumber where no dream gives birth
i For months, even years, to any grief mirth;
A slumber of tranquil lips, caim-lidden eyes!
Yet sometimes to his spirit dream will creep
OF the old, glad past when, clothed in daunties'
pride,
He walked the world, unclaimed by tyrannou,
And then, while he losses restlessly in sleep,
Dark terrible graves for living shapes yawn wide
Or city shrieks among her tottering towers!
Edgar FdtrceH.
AN old soldier, relating his expert
ence at temperance meeting in Iowa
said that one time he got possession oi
: two kegs of whisky, took them to camp
put faucet in one of them, and passed
the whisky around among the boys un
til they all got pretty full. About the
time the keg was empty, he said, for 6
moment his conscience told him he was
j doing wrong. He picked up an ak ant
; knocked the head of the other keg in
/ and (here he was interrupted by the
deacons starting the cry of "Amenp
/" Thank Godr' g" Glory be to GodT"
! After the house became quiet he con
! tinued:E" knocked in the head of tina
; keg, gave the boys tin cup, and tols
them to help themselves" 1t was ,
case of premature enthusiasm, and tn
wicked scofers in the audience had thei
turn to shout.
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! For one cent per ounce, or sixteel
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