Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1878-08-29
No. II
HUMOR OF THE HOUR.

How to remove weeds-Marry the widow
Scales of Justice Those of recently
frozen fish. :
In playing archery young women don't
mind the beaux.
Pawnbrokers prefer parties who are with
out redeeming qualities
If you give your word to any one, how can
you possibly keep it?
Why is wit like Chinese lady's foot? Be-
cause brevity is the sole of it,
Some girls are like old muskets; they use
great deal of powder but don't 60 off.
Trumpet-players to the manor born hail
from ''Sax' 'orney," of course.
The umbrella was invented during Davids
rein 1t was successfully used as parry
Saul
A West Hill man calls lis horse ''Time,
for when he ie ''un. tied" he "waits for no
man."
-''I find your recommendations very good
Bridget" "Yes ma am, and now III see
yours ma'am if, you Place"
Sambo, who was at sea, says: ,'All de pas
reogers was heavin', and de capting CUB
Servant (after situation)-"An' do yez 60
to Long Branch or Newport? For my own
part have no priferences.'
Our so-called ancestors, the monkeys, was
not 80 ignorant after all. They were all ed
ucated in the higher branches.
An editor in Cincinnati, putting air-tight
cofins, said: mo person having once tried
one of these coffins will ever use any other.
After man gets to be thirty-eight years
old he can't form any new habits much. The
best he can do is to steer his old Ones.-Josh
Billings.
Lady-and how long have you been out of
place? Lady help Gndignant at ''out OF
place.: have been malapropose only few
weeks, madam.
A Minnesota farmer who has five grown-up
daughters has eued the county. He claims
that his residence has been used court house
for the past two years.
| An Irishman was told by teacher that his
charge for tuition was two guineas the first
month and one guinea the second. "Then,
be jabers, said Pat, ''1ll begin the second
month nOw."
At the depot the other day young man
put his head out of the Car window to kiss his
girl good-by, when the train pulled out so
rapidly that he kissed an old African female
at the next station.
Five months ago a st. Louis doctor re-
moved the under jaw of cancer patient and
fitted him with a new one of silver. Last
week he told reporter: ''Oh, the man-he's
dead but the operation was successful"
''Sam, you are not honest. Why do you
put all the good peaches on the top of the
measure and the little ones below?' ''Same
reason, sab, dat makes de front of your house
all marble, and de back gate chiefly slop bar'],
sah!"
Fresh young actor to Sothern: ''Mr. Soth-
ern, if had been an actor as long as yoa
have should by this time be the owner OF
two brown stones" Sothern: Certainly
you would, my boy, one at your head and the
other at your feet
"Were there any aliens and strangers
among the Jews at the time of their journey
| to the Promised Land p asked the superin-
tendent. last Sunday mo, sir" replied the
smart bad boy on the back seat, ''they were
all to the mama bon" School closed with
singing.
"John," said poverty-stricken man, sIve
made nv will to-day" ''Ah!" replied John,
ssvou were liberal to me, no doubt" ''Yes,
John. came down handsome. I've willed
| vou the whole country to make living In.
with the privilege of going elsewhere If You
can do better
A lady at sea, full of delicate apprehen-
sions in q gale of wind, cried out. among
other pretty exclamations, 1--WE shall go to
the bottom; mercy on US; how my head
swims!" MADAME, never fear," /" said one of
the sailors; ''you can never go to tne Dottom
while your head swims"
Josh Billings, in geological moment,
writes .'The peculiarly OF the fy is that ne
returns to the same spot; but 1t Is the cnarac-
teristic of the mosquito that he returns to an
other spot. Thus he differs from the leopard,
| which does not change bis spots This is an
important fact in natural histsry.
There is one impertinence which Washing
ton society will no longer tolerate. we 90
not refer to the unseemingly habit OF asking
a mature single lady her age. That is insolent,
but may be forgiven. But to ask society
"Coloner the number of his regiment or the
date of his service-that sort of thing has
gone far enough.
Just before q late thunder storm q man
stepped into telegraph Office and requeste0
the privilege of talking through the telephone
with his wife, who was visiting the managers
wife at distant telegraph station. The assist
ant manager granted the request, ana the man
began operations. He couldn't be prevailed
upon to believe that it was really his wife VINO
was talking to him, and she 50 many mixes
. away. He finally asked her to say OF 90 some.
] thing known to themselves only, that he might
be convinced that It was she. Just then
rambling streak of lightning came on the wires