Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1878-09-14

lDe most SlSudt triumph "a Wy hiS -
not realized until be succeeds in stealing into
a base ball ground.
"Do ke need a new religion f'-Neic York
HoTld No; what you really need is to make
better use of the old one.
Don't turn into the yard when you think
you see a woman signalling to you with nap
kin. She is driving flies OUT doors.
Napoleon the Great Away skipped para
graph columns. That is why he lost Water
loo.
Josh billings ssys: /" II was 10 The habi.
Of sweating wouldn't hesitate to cuss bed
bug right to his face.
An editor is a man who chronicles the de-
parinre Of other people for the cool aud deli
cious summer resorts.
Miss Won Ilillern says she bates awfully to
have .womeo Hiss her. Sorry we cau't agree
with you, Bertha.
Husband must lave some change to-day.
Well STAY at home aud take care Of the chill
dren that will be change enough forone day.
In speaking Of baby tha ladies often ex-
claim: " Oh isn't it too sweet for any
thing" This is all a mistake. No baby Is
too sweet for paragoric.
a Michigan man dislooa,ed his arm the 9TH
or day mputt!ng on clean shirt. hc hadn't
tried it for so long time that he had entirely
lost tue "knack Of the thing.
A San Francisco woman having no faith in
banks carried around twenty-four hundred
dollars in her bhstle. Thus her income was
always in arrcara. ..t.t
When a Montrcalcr il tired Of tho world be
puts n piece of omnge ribbon in his button
hole aud saunters through the streets whist
ling CropPes, lie down"
St. Louis has store over which there is this
sign SchocbeDhuyser, Msxestienbcck, Fin
tendoerlcr x Co." This reminds us Of the
days Of old long sign.
It is trnc that every man Is free moral
agent, but it is also mighty tough TO have 10
refuse moonlight excursion 10 o:der 20 10
company for an aun, with the toothacbe.
Square umbrellas are reported as the latest
thing in Paris That's nothing. We have
been using square umbrellas long time at
least they are never round-whcn wanted.
The diameter Of Pallas docs not much cx-
cccd seventy nine miles, So that inhabitants Of
that plannet might 90 round his world by
rail IN few hours
4 woman may not be able TO sharpen pen
eli OK hold an umbrella, but she can pack moro
articles into trunk than a man can 10 a one
horse wagon.
Our extra strong minded woman has re-
marked that an old bachelor is a man who
through selfish motives, has rcfraincd sGsom
making some woman wrctched.
One reason why more people did not get
into the ark is that Ncah neglected 10 adycr-
tisc in the papers There is q great moral
lesson contained in lids fact.
During the winter New Hampshire woman
has cnt aud piled twcniy-thrcc cords Of wood.
Well, that IS doing pretty fair. Every mau
should encourage his wife TO beat it, though.
That uuscrupalous and tootblcss prevaricator,
the Oldest inhabilant, has been driven into n
corner. ard made to own up that be never
saw any weather like this"
81 notiss ono thing. The man who rides
on the kars every day is satisfied with one
sea, but the man who rides once 10 year
wants at least four. Josh Filings.
Origins has an idea that married men
suffer much less than bachelors during hot
weather 1t is 20 easy. be says. 20 bring on a
coolness by finding fault with the cooking.
There is 10 more trying moment in the life
of new Murphy convert than when be looks
up suddenly in bis walk aud finds SCHOONER"
sign on beer saloon staring bin 10 the eyes.
A chronic gTogler, who lives n boarding.
house. keeps the andlady IN a state Of torment
by always remarSing Of meal-tme, "Thlbgs
are getting tough, tell you"
There is 10 brighter moment in the lie Of
n young lady II I'm tlan when the happy
discovery is made that she can at las, balance
a pair Of cic.glasscs on Der nofc without
.quiutins.
A msn wants to sec The person against
whom be has tue greatest reason 10 guard
himself Let him take glance at the mirror,
md be sill have a very loir likeness of the
Individual be is looking for.
There's something nc1prcssbly sad in ones
ianding al alone by himself in the world as
light Shutdown and the ofiolo Gies to iis Dcsi,
,ut man will DO it where be has only enough
% pay Gor beer lor enc.
Mr Bennett, Of Chapel Hill, n. G.. o1crs 10
Jutt heads with any man IN tie State, on
wager Of Eve dollars. The butter sculptor has
.0nc % Paris, Or we would back bcr % bust
,fs head ia a bar an hair
II requires great moral strength and tcna-
iiy of purpose 10 enable man 10 sleep tin
even IN the morning when an industrious hy
las decided that be had better get up at half
,ast four.
To the annou1cementfhat Baltimore wo-
nao had given birth to FIVE children all girls,
he Albany Journal remarks by tho card
We thought that nothing would beat four Of
kind, but it seems We we're mistaken.
People who are always longing for lodge
o some vast wilderness wouldn't be happy II
hey had one. The first thing they knew
hey would be bowling FOR a street car, Eve
ents worth Of fnc cut, aud an evening paper.
Il was Just pouring down when she admit
ed him aad claimed hin as her rainbow, be-
ause she lad taken him in out Of the wet
Ie reflected that rainbow Was a sign Of pro-
Mise and was very circumspect 10 bis actions
The difference between man and a woman
y buying things is said 70 be this: A man
lives Gfiy cents FOR twenty-five cert thing
which be wants, aud woman gives twenty
i've cents for aity cent thing which she
loesut want.