The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1878-03-28

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the dollar Of our dadsI II wss our
original intention to hsvelad the floor,
which you see IL circular, conposed OF
an immense silver dollar, and then
heat it red rot and let them dance on
it. But after mature reflection we ar
rived at the conclusion that any devi.
alton from the regular treatment
might excite discomfort and envy
among other departments, so the sill
verites will have to take pot luck with
the rest of them.
This next retort, as you will notice
is q
LADIES DEPARTMENTS.
It is filled with those of the gentler
sex who have made life Z burden to
mankind by wearing long trails at .
theater. You will notice how they
kick and wiggle and try to grab up
their red. hot trails among the brim-
stone down there. Well, sir, it is a
singular fact, but with all their terri
BILE scorching, you may observe that
not ono OF them rolls over another
but she tnrus 70 see the others dress.
Singular, aint Iii sa i
Your reporter replied that it was
quite natural, and his majesty ordered
an extra degree Of heat turaed In on
the department. Of the diabolical trail.
sThen, sir, look into that pitt he
said, as the lid was lifted from re-
tort filled with the hottest Of birthstone
kissing hot-but in which = Tot Of
men were coolly walking about with
an utter indifference to the terrible
heat. No sooner had the reporters
head appeared at the opening than one
and all opened out something red hot,
and cried: sA
sAllow me to show you, sir-' 81
But his majesty shut off the rest of
1t by ordering the lid Immediately on
the hole. ss
Thst.' said he. turning to your re-
porter, that is the great sorrow Of my
life. Tho one great skeleton in the
closet of the internal regions. More
brimstone, more sulphur, more rosin-
tar, pitch, coal-oil, gunpowder, nitro
glycerine, aud pandemonium knows
what all, has been wasted ON them
than all the other departments com
bined, and there they are, ~ you have
just seen, lively as crickets!'
What are they2
Book AGENrsI'
sWhat?'
Book Agents! Yes, Sir, book agentsI
I've got lightning-rod men red-hot
with their own rods run through them
I've got life-insurance fellows sizzling
away like old fury, but those internal
book-agents, after using up half the
brimstone in the place, are just as live.
ly as ever, and never 60 to look AT
them but they out with their books
aud prospectuses and have whack at
me. And, do you know, I've actually
bought half million books from them.
It's fact! I've . mind to turn them
all out of hell and shut up the depart
ment.'
why don't you make them read
their own books p suggested the re-
porter.
Found at last Z exclaimed his mai
esty. Found at lastl 1 owe you a
thousand thanks, my dear sir. They
shall read every one of them, and each
shall read the others ISL
His majesty was 80 gratified- with
the suggestion that he ordered An ex-
ira ton or two of birthstone to be
poured int the department Of
MIsFIrTINa rAILoRs.
which we were just then passing. In
their department. was great steam
ing Aatiron, that first emoothed them
out, aud then powerful pair Of shears
that clipped them ia two, upon which
red-hot cast iron goose swallowed
them, from which they came out
whole again. to 60 through the sams
process ad sngnifxsa. Each time they
appeared and disappeared yelling !:
It's as perfect fit as If you'd growed
IN 'em.'
The department for street car dri-
vers who-always-stop-on.r rainy -days,
six-feet-from-the.crossing, had been
consolidated with the department Of
the people who eat-peanuts-at-the.
theater. Though enjoying an intenee
heat, this consolidated department did
not offer any points OF special interest.
The next 10 be visited was pit full
of the most despicable looking ours the
reporter had ever set his eyes upon.
Even his majesty turned from the hole
with look Of disgust.
sThat,' said he, SIS the department
of the things.that-bottle-up- their
wrath-all.day -afraid-to.pour-it-on-the
heads of e n, but-g o.
Observation-Disclosures do
not want them here.
THEY'RE DISGRACE TO THE PLACE,
but the government had no other place
to send them, SO 1 had to take them
| ill., ks ss
Turning in loathing from the hole OF
the despicabies, the next that engaged
our attention was
| DEPARTMENT PERFECTLY FIRELEss,
and without birthstone In it, from
which issued q sulphurous smell, ac-
companied by tornado of gr0ans,
curses, fragments Of ears, noses and
punches Of hair.
On looking into it, mass of hu.
manity, male and female, were OBJ
served, all clawing, scratching, biting.
and tearing one another like cats tied
by the tail.