Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1878-07-12
AsHTABULA OHIO FRIDAY, JULY u, 1878.
Things Wise and Otherwise.
By JOE RANsoAIE.


/
! By JOE RANsoME.
The great majority of people are
/ firmly convinced that the late confession
| of Elizabeth" with regard to 'fHenry
Ward" is a re-lie-able document.
'Pa, questioned little Johnny Marsh,
ado you think Bob Ingersoll is right? ?"
''I'll tell you what I think" growled
the old man, "if both of you don't dc
different from what you are doing now
you'll have a warm conviction of what
awaits you in the next world"
Trout-fishing being in order, the rod is
| taken down, and the reel and line and
flies examined, and, as the husband
remarks: tomorrow will be a fine
day." the wife of his bosom answers.
Eyes, for cleaning house, and you'll have
to take down the stoves and take up and
shake the carpets and do the white
washing, and all alone this year, times
are so hard" Thus is our liberty cur
tailed, our brightest dreams non-soot-ed
and we made slaves of feminine czars.
Have men no longer any rights or feel
ing, or is all of freedom to be crushed
out?
"Call the next case" said his honor,
and man struggled up to the bar with
his face looking as if he had been fool
ing with briar-patch and compound,
double-ointed, high pressure threshing
machine. He was closely followed by a
woman struggling to get loose from the
grasp of two policemen.
"How is this, madame % queried his
honor, with his brows lowering like
storm clouds, and his voice as the NUT
terlng of thunder. You are accused of
assault and battery, and the scratched
face, the broken nose and black eyes are
a sight to make angels weep"
Tell you how it was" answered the
prisoner, so quickly thai the victim
couldn't get in a word edgeways. 'This
man came into my house and said he
was agent for some new tangled sewing
machine, and"
'That is enough" replied his honor
''You are discharged, my dear madame
You have acted nobly, and your fellow
citizens will, no doubt, reward you with
a gold medal as large and thick as the
driving wheel of locomotive, and erect
a monument over you when dead, as
massive as that of Bunker Hill. You
are an honor to your sex, madame, and"
"Your honor" feebly interposed the
victim, "in the hereafter"
There is no hereafter for sewing
machine agents, if the theory of Ingersol
is correct" was the decisive response.
"Call the next case"
Muggins of Michigan street moved the
first of the month, and had the cuss-
tomary time with his stove pipe. Of
course it wouldn't go together, and of
course he lost his temper and used
strong language. But at last after ham,
mering away for half an hour, and spoil
ing things generally, he conceived a
brilliant idea.
"Mary," he said to his wife, 'Pve got
it now," and he dashed out of doors and
ran down the street, while she gazed at
him with pity in her eyes and an apron
over her head, and wondered if he had
not been drinking and was threatened
with the jim-jams.
"Hook," he exclaimed, rushing into
the tin-shop and upsetting stacks of pans
and kettles, "can you make me length
of stove pipe with another and another
inside, something after the manner of
telescope%
Ben thought he couId-one with any
number inside like a Chinese puzzle,
and which, if filed with lenses would
enable. him to see the north pole; and
soon the brilliant idea of Muggins was
worked in iron, and with smiles
upon his face and the invention under
his arm he strutted home and confidently
said to the wife of his bosom: "There1l
be no more trouble, Mary Ann. Never
was such glorious idea Every day 1
hall be hailed as the greatest benefactor
Of the human race. Just hold up the
other length, and III show you how the
thing works. All you have to do is to
turn this crank and"
"Heavensl Mercyl Fire! Murder"
screamed Mrs. Muggins.
''What IN thunder is the matter nowT
he questioned.
''You've got my fingers jammed be-
tween the edges and are cutting them
of, you old fool~
@Shoop
She waltzed around blowing and suck
ing and holding the injured members,
and showering down anything but bless
ings upon him.
Accidents will happen you know,
Mary Ann" he explained in apology.
L II dCCAuS4IG yOu, yOu AlAoOASAOAS, SAHf
bald-headed clothes-pin! 1 never saw
such stupid fool in all my life. Don't
you see there'n be big space between
the little and the large one and the
smoke will pour out like Etna? Oh J
my poor fingers, know am crippled
for life"
Muggins considered. The three inch
extension of the pipe wouldn't fill a six
inch hole by a long shot. Yes. he saw
that, but couldn't exactly understand it;
said there must be some error in the
construction, and battered down street
to blow up the maker, though irately
muttering that, @some women couldn't
understand the philosophy Of mechan-
ism no how"
Ben Hook went up to the house and
smoothed matters, and then told Mug
gins he believed he had fortune in the
invention. True, it wouldn't work well
as a stove pipe, but he had better get it
patented and white washed, and 60
around selling it as an adjustable steeple
for country churchesl