Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1878-11-12

- OeNAAy
Thou wear a lions hide. Doff 1t for shame,
And come out in the backyard
And I'll wipe the ground with vel
Derrick
FUNNY.GRAPHs.
Why is a chicken like farmer? Be-
cause both delight in full crop.
To prevent the door from 'screaking,'
get a servant girl whose beau comes
regularly to see her.
trouble is to let it go again, like the man
who caught the bear.
can why is an Irishman l0ike
ship?" asked Mike. cts because oich
wan of 'em is followed by wake"
Most women have need to whisper,
LEAD us not into temptation" when
they see another with new bonnet.
Don't examine your friends new fall
overcoat too critically. It costs less to
dye duster than many people think
A North.side woman, having named
her girl baby Eliza, calls her husband
Beelzebub, because, she says. he is the
father of 'Lize.
"Don't worry about my going away,
my darling. Absence, you know, makes
the heart grow fonder." "Of somebody
else," added the darling"
The wise man placeth the stock of his
gun to his shoulder before he fireth, but
the fool looketh down the barrel to see
the ball start.-ROnae Sentinel.
A Western editor thus kindly alludes
to a contemporary HE is young yet,
but he can sit at his desk and brush cob
webs from the ceiling with his ears"
"Goot day, Moses. How you vas
shanged. Wouldn't never hafe known
you'll" "But my name is not Moses,
sir" "Kreat hefens! your name shange
too"
Waiter-"Begp pardon, sir, but think
you've made mistake. This is half
penny" Old gent, grandly-"Oh, dear,
no-not at all, not at all! l never give
less"
Mamma" said a young Gloucester
hopeful who, against his will, was made
to rock the cradle of his baby brother,
''if the Lord has any more babies to give
away, don't you take 'em."
A French gentleman meets young
and pretty American girl in Paris
here? "I'm spending my honeymoon.
"But where is your husbands" ooh,
he's in New York"
When a woman combs her back hair
into two ropes, holds one in her mouth
until she winds the other upon her back
comb, and then finds that she has lost
her last hair pin, she feels that the sex
needs two mouths-one to hold her hair
in, and the other to make remarks with.
The Iowa Poulterers' Association
sends us circular with the request that
we hand it to some enthusiastic ''chick-
en-. fancier." The most enthusiastic
one in Burlington has been in
Jail ever since the last dark of the moon,
but we'll hand in the circular to the
sheriff. for him. He'll getit.-Ha,okeye.
A little Norwich girl was standing at
her mothers side at the window in deep
meditation. AS one star after another
came twinkling into the sky she watch
ed them swith eyes that grew bigger
and brighter. At last she turned to her
mother and said: II gueth it's bout
time to light up, mother. Gods lit up
his house."
Horny-handed son of hod-carrier
(loq.): "Share all the money equally,
that's what say" Wife of same: "And
phat would We do wild your share, Mi
chael O'Shannessey ?" "Spind it like a
brick, We ould fool" "And plat would
We do thin ?' "Share it all over agin,
av coorse; hand me down that pipe"-
N. Y. Commercial Advertiser.
We trust President and Madame Mac
Mahon will accept our regrets. An I'M
usual rush of jOb-work prev ented our
occupying the private box kindly ten
dered us at the opening of the Exhibit
ton. 1t gives us pleasure, however, to
parlez up like man and say: "Vive
la Republique Vive la Eapozizioa j.!
TiUe la on McDuf !''-Derrick.
''Dovey," he said, think was tell
ing you after I came home last night
about the necessity of some retren CHI
ment in our expenditures, was / not ?"
"Well, really, I've forgotten, John"
she answered nOnchalently, turn on
the photograph and see." He turned it
on, and all it said was "Whazzer, whaz-
ger (hic) mazzer? whazzer mazzer?"
The lamented X. left charming
widow, and daughter who grew up to
be even more charming. She grew up
with fearful rapidity, too, especially
from her mothers point of view. "Why,
Florence, what big girl you are getting
to be! How old are you ?" said one day
an old friend of the family. Fifteen
and half almost" replied the girl |;
"but don't let ma know. "-Erchang
The Captains company had not seen
much service, and one morning the Fed
eral cavalry surprised them. The boys
did the best they could; they broke,
ran, and rallied in squads and fred
Some of the boys were wounded; few
were killed. The Captain, who was
red-headed, ran on foot las he lost his
hOrse) until his face was as red as his
head. He saw the crisis. So he took
aposition in the middle of the road, and,
waving his sword, he made this order to
his troops: "Men, for God Almighty's
sake, quit it only makes them
worse. "-Men1phis Avalanche.
A citizen of New York 1.-THE writing
resembled Peter Cooper's) sent a COM
munication asking brother Gardner, of
the Lime Kiln Club, to express an opin-
lon on the subject, "Does wealth make
a man happier?" The secretary having
read the letter aloud, the President said:
II kin answer dat queshun only 80 far
ez my feelings go, kase L doan go roun'
among de rich AKIN DER opinyuns. I
hez de ole cabin all paid for, money in
de savins bank, purity good fings in de
house, an we allus hez plenty to eat an
Sunday suits hangin' from d. pegs
De odder night war finkin of de sitoo-
ashun, am says to de ole woman dat
we orter feel very happy an be very
fankful. Eyes, 'spose So" she dun
said, "but we need some lace curtains,
new carpets. more dishes, and bigger
house, some jewelry, horse an keer-
idge. two gold watches an a lawn party,
an l can't be right down fankful till we
get EN-" I spect gemlen, dat de moar
cash man haz in his pockit de happier
he kin be. if he wants to. lie perfectly
willin' to take fifty thousand dollars an