Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1878-02-15
1ostrp.
Flu N :.

The NEW TAX B1LL.-For kissing a
pretty girl, one dollar.
For kissing homely one. TWO dollars.
The tax is levied in order to break up the
custom altogether. it being regarded as
piece of inexcusable absurdity.
For every filtration, ten cents.
For every young man who has more than
one girl, five dollars.
Counting in the back parlor, twenty-five
cents.
Counting in romantic places, five dol
lars, and fifty cents for each time there
after.
For girl giving young man the nit
ten, five dollars and cost Of suit.
:. Seeing young lady home from church.
twenty cents.
Failing to see her home, five dollars and
costs.
For ladies who paint, two dollars.-Pro-
ceeds to be devoted to the relief of discon-
ISOLATE husbands who have been deceived
by outside appearances.
Bachelors over thirty years old, ten dol
lars and banished to Utah.
Each boy baby. fifty cents.
Each girl baby, ten cents.
Twins, one hundred dollars premium to
be paid out of the funds accruing from the
tax on old bachelors.
Heads of families of more than thirteen
children, fined hundred dollars and sent
to Jail.
A CHANGE OF Yesterday
morning forlorn cricket that had been
tempted out of doors by the warm wealth
er of the preceding days was shivering
along the street, looking at a cheap, second
hand ulster, and wishing he was home,
when he met wasp that had been locked
out during the fall house cleaning.
st am almost frozen," said the cricket;
''my hands are fairly numbed with cold"
s'Put them in my coat-tail pockets" re-
piled the wasp cheerfully, land warm
them.''
The cricket did so, and the wasp imme-
diately warmed him with the improved
heating machinery located in the after
part of his system. The cricket merely
pausing to remark that there appeared to
be a cayenne pepper mandatory in the
neighborhood, crawled under the plank
walk to die, while the wasp, who was fond
of his little joke, went away singing
merrily, ''Come, come away to. the try
sting place" -Barlimqto HG,nkeye.
''BE REASONABLE IN ALL THINGS. -
AS they were about to quaff, one of the
party suddenly called out to another.
'Hello, Dougherty, you drinking whisky
Sure it was only yesterday ye towid me ye
was a taytotler.' "Well," said Mr.
Dougherty, evidently somewhat discon-
certed, s'you'r right, Mister Kelley-it's
quite right ye are-I am taytotler, it's
true, but I-I-I'm not bigoted one!''
Hook had recipe of his own to pre-
vent being exposed to the night air. 81
was very ill., he said, "some months ago
and my doctor gave me particular orders
not to expose myself to it ; SO l come up
every day to Crockford's, or some other
place, to dinner, and make it a rule on
no account to 60 home again till about
fonr or five O'Clock in the morning."
A man in Benton wrote to the official
for ''a chance to run on the b. G. & M.
railroad.n He was told that he might
'srun on the road'' as much as he liked if
he would keep out of the way of the
trains.
"Stop sending me the jernel, emmy more
ass you didn't motifs the bigg hogg me hus-
band butchered sunday and it don't fit my
pantry shelves ennyhow." The hus-no,
the ''hogg" weighed: 3s7.-Exchange.
'sHow is it that you never kindled
fame in any mans heart p asked rich
lady of her portlonless niece. 81 suppose
aunt, it is because am not a good match,''
meekly replied the poor niece.
81 wish I might die. /" said sentiment
al maid, as she stood rubbing the shoulder
of her dress with benzine ;and yet, the
very next time he came, she let him lay
his his head right in the same spot.
A mother, seeing her little four year-old
nearly asleep in her chair, asked if she had
not better 60 to bed. ooh, no, mamma;
I only shut my eyes to keep the dust out.
"When a girl gets mad and rises from
a fellows knee" says an exchange, "but
thinks better of it and goes back again,
that's what they call a relapse
A minister at camp-meeting said, eff
the lady with blue hat, red hair and
cross-eyes don't stop talking, she will be
pointed out to the congregation
Mrs. Shoddy puckered up her mouth
genteelly, and told gentleman friend
that one of her lovely daughters was a
1'blunet" and the other ssbronze."
Even if you hear boy whistling, II
want to be an angel" it is just as well to
keep the preserve jars on the top shelf of
the pantry.
Nobod, oo,, toll I,orr .7;n,,,A..