The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1878-02-23
Mr.. Beezer Finds it Lonely at Home


" 1t does beat all CREATION" said old
Beezer, :" how keerless women folks
can be anyhow. They don't half take
keer of themselves, an go mopin' around
without lookin' where they're goin', an
the first thing you know--if you're mar
ried to one of 'em-she's banged herself
all to pieces, somehow, an you've got to
pay for it. Now, there's my ole woman;
she's regular prize package to me, an
| 'spose she act'lly thinks more of me
than she ever did of the best Brittany
teapot she's had, an as homely an
plain lookin' as / am, Pm jist con-
ceited enough to b'lieve the ole gal
would rather see me settin' in the chin
bley corner than to have gilt-framedi lie
paintin' of Lord Byron himself, with
two coats of varnish, hangin' over the
mantel-piece; but in spite of all that
she's as reckless sometimes as a dog with
tin-pan on his tail, an the first thing
| know she's knocked me out of a weeks
wages by zen most putin out an eye,
or spiittin' foot chopin kindlin', or
scaldin' herself fallin' over wash-biler,
or some other piece of nonsense that
costs money to fix up. Not month
passes that | don't sink more money in
arnica for that woman than would pull
baseball club through whole season
an as for for stickin' plaster, l don't
honestly b'lieve there's a solitary week
IN the year that woman wouldn't fall all
to pieces if she wasn't pasted together
with not less'n square foot of it scat
tered over her in pieces rangin' from the
size OF psotage-stamp up to dollar bill.
1t don't do no good for me to Jaw her for
it. She'll pear to be awful sorry, and
promise to keep her eyes little better
peeled in futur', but list as like as not
before the liniment's dry on the last bruise
she, II make enough new ones to empty
the bottle. But wouldn'ta' minded that
SO much if she'd only been satisfied in
dom damage that natur' could fix I'D
without much outside help; but that
WASH her. AS soon as she found out that
she hadn't any more fingers to smash
that hadn't had their dose a good many
times, an no new places in her nose to
break, what did the ole sugar-lump do
but git up in the dark one night an
knock out all her upper teeth on the
corner of the bureau, an either had to
set down to the table every day facin'
mouth that looked like boiler ex-
.plosion, or trot her down to the tooth
shop and fork over for a new set O. grind
ers that cost more'n hundred bushel
O coal, an then before she'd hardly got
able to quarrel with any sort o. satisfac-
ton, or without bitin' her tongue. she
had to go an knock out one of her peep
ers, an it'll take me three months yit to
git receipt in full for the glass eye l
bought on weekly payments. But even
that amt the worst of it. Curtailin'
her eyesight was jist exactly the same
thing as putin four-cylinder mortgage
on me. She was bad enough in all con
science when she had a double head
light, but with one of 'em gone-an'
the best one too, at that-she seemed to
GIT more reckless an helpless every dav.
an it WAS jist eq'al to putin money in
a savings bank for me to step out Of the
house an hour. l was sure to find doc
tor bill waitin' for me when got back
home. Her last jamboree was to 20 an
tumble head first down the cellar stairs.
break an arm in two pieces an disiint
an ankle. besides loosenin' her collar
bone an stavin' in two or three ribs. an
here am now, right in dead of winter.
with only eight hours work aday, wages
cut down, an bill for repairs on her
hanging over me that makes me banker
for strong drink every time think of it.
But still | wouldn't mind all that even.
If 1T wasn't SO COMPOUNDED lonesome
around the house. With the very best
kind OF luck an engineerin', the doctor
tells me it'll be all of six weeks yit be-
lore the ole gal can draw a rollin'-pin on
me, an though she tries hard to amuse
me-bless her patched-up ole Carcass
by making up mouths an calm me
everything but an honest man, still /