Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1878-08-23
SO in Advance
Wit and Human

Wit and HumOr.
There isn't a vegetable that can Ketch-
up with the tomato.
Railroads are built on three gauges.
Broad gauge, narrow gauge, and mort
gage.
Sitting Bull has got almost far enough
advanced in spring work to begin sowing
cartridges.
60 west young woman. The popula-
tlon OF Arizona is in the proportion Of
one woman to four men.
"oieomargarine" Is the name they
glve 70 goat up among the shanties,
because 1t Is bad butter.
An Iowa woman put starch into her
husbands beer, thinking it was arsenic.
and was surprised because it didn't
stiffen him.
A religious cotemporary tells ''Hoy TO
make congregation sing" This is
going to be a pretty difficult task, unless
a crooked pin is placed on each seat in
the house.
The will of Mr.. Land, late of Ken
tueky, leaves all his property to his wife,
and specifies that she fean marry
again II she wants to-" And yet people
slng about a land thaG is fairer than this.
My dear, you're as good as gold. y re-
marked Spilkins, as his little daughtsr
rushed down stairs to greet him. dAnd.
what's more, replied the youthful Ma
tilda, Pm rapidly coming down to par"
"Well. I swan, Billy" said an old
farmer to an undersized nephew who
was visiting him, when you take off
that ERE plug hat and spit two or three
times, there isn't much left Of you, i
thar?' ~.
A few days ago Norwich man bou0H
chest of tea in. Providence, and on
OPenlngit, found stone inside, weighing
nearly eleven pounds. He remarked
that the weighs Of Providence are very
mysterious.
1t is human to doubt. Display a ziQn
with the inscription Beware of painf,5
and nine men out of ten will draw their
fOrefngers across the newly painted sur
face to see if the sign is not merely can
invention of the enemy"
A Houston, Tex, couple have been
married in a photographers gallery,
their portraits being taken at the instant
that the concluding words of the cere-
mony are spoken. The two alternatives
made negative, as it were.
A party were enjoying the evening
breeze on board a yacht. 1.-THE wind has
made my moustache taste quite salt"
remarked young man who had been
for some time occupied In biting the
hair that fell over his upper lip. II
know it." innocently said pretty girl.
And she wondered why all her friends
laughed. People are so childish" she
remarked.
The fve-year old son Of family the
other day stood watching his baby
bother, who was making great noise
over having his face washed. The little
fellow at length lost his patience, and,
stamping his tiny foot, said, 'FYou think
you have lots of trouble, but you don't
know anything about it. Wait till you're
big enough to get ickin', and then
you'll see-won't he, mamma
The Burlington HGEEeye says: ut Is
very difficult to look at the pictures in
HarpeT's Weekly, of Stanley and five
negroes in a skif fighting 346, ,957, 1885,
544,S17, ,354 100000 savage negroes, all
armed with repeating an5 breech-loading
rifles at ten PAGES, without yielding to
the impression that either Mr.. Stanley
is given to prevarication or the artist
has misunderstood his figures.
A class which graduated some time
since had one Tom Elliot. Mathematics
were his particular dislike. The Pro
fessor. during recitation, asked Tom to
explain the method Of ascertaining the
horizontal paraIlax Of the sun Tom
replied, T don't know how" HBut sup
pose YOU were appointed by the Govern
hot rTTo,1ld Won do ~
'Td resignP grayely responded Tom.
Some years ago, when 4going West"
was more Of an undertaking than at
present, q young man was leaving his
hOmein Vermont for Illinois, The family
were gathered to say farewell, and not
without tears. The grandfather took the
young man by the hand, and ssid, Now,
John, remember the Sabbath day to ksSp
it holy: and look out for rattlesnakea,
and be careful that nobody steals your
watch
A French scientific authority states
that the ordinary rate Of mans walking
is four feet per second; of a good horse,
in harness, twelve; Of reindeer II q
sledge on the ice, twenty-six; OF an
English race horse, foFty-three; Of 3
hare, eighty-eight; Of a good sailing
ship, fourteen; and of the wind, eighty
two.
Danish all malignant and revenge
full thoughts. A spirit Of revenge is q
spirit of the devil, than which nothing
makes a man more like him, and moth.
ing can be more like him, and nothing
more opposite to the temper which
Christianity designs to promote. II
your revenge be not satisfied it will give
You torment now; if it be, it win give
YOU greater hereafter. None is greater
self-tormentor than a malicious and
revengeful man, who turns the poison
of his own temper upon himself
The right thing in the right plaes Is without