The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1878-09-07
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

.sl,m a ward wide and all wool, Is hehtu'Ny
wav of describing high state OF hilarily'
There is only one satisfaction yet found IN inc
,,,ootod districts of the south, -all the flies
have disappeared.
Wendell Phillips advises: "Never cali man man
g liar" we never do. 1t is more pollle 10 cal
him n gas metre--Norristo'cn He'a'"'
What with St. Peter committing murder anu
an AnSeu running off with S25ooOo chicago
seems to be trying to burlesque he"Neh'-
NetrS. .,,., .,,
A North Carolina editor declares that '''he man
who will read newspaper three or lour years
without paying for ii will pasture goat Oh 'ho
grave Of his grandfather"
Ridgctield man has invented a chalr Wl N
an he adjusted to 5000 different positions, IL Is
DESIGNED for n boy TO SIT in when having MS mar
cut. -Dtn6,ay AttcS.
He was disguised After Il brown study oi
three hours he had manufactured pun lhat
would have shamed the Aurora Ne'rS lie read
II over three times to his wife before she under
stood il and then her only criticism was "umph!
Application for divorce.
A Milwaukee girls pet dog was sunstruck'
She had tent built over the sufferer and ice
bags placed about his poor head, but her stern
l2llltt tilllC uDulb anu oi"S'''
nent in bag from the bridge.
At Brenham. Tex, the other day, Count, Al
tornev Schultze appeared for the State IN 4 case
where Mr. Alexander Thomas, 4 colorcd lawyer
appeared for the defense. Mr.. Thomas moved
TO uuash the indictment, and his me'ioD was sus-
tanned, ''the Incident creating much amrse
ment"
If the two old parties are composed Of "thicYcs,
liars and sooundrels," as Jesse Harper says they
are, where Is the immaculate third party going
to get its strength FROM -7ayysscAh JonnaL
Thus charity is often its own punishment The
Cincinnati Byyd&tast To'h says:
A Michigan man By feeding tramp accidcn-
tally found long lost brother of his wife. This
shouk PC taken a tcIrablc warning against
something or Other, because he has had TO keep
on feesing him ever since.
Au exchange q tew'tays ago announced; "A
report of the Rer- Mr.. BIS very able sermon
is crowded out eS this ISSUE by press Of more
tuQely matter" Dn another page we found a
column dcvotos 20 base Oall, and u half-column
30 n hcrsctrG;-- No,TssO'rn Hc'ud.
A london magazine says that a light of British
science wee latcly visited 10y Kcntuckian ad-
mircr, who fs9a: '"sr, we admire your writings,
and have shoIn IT, We had no academic dis.
tnction 10 c9nfGr0n you, having no university;
but We have done esur best. We are a racing
people ant .hayy Ismed our best stallion after
you"
The Oh Cit, Br .'ch brands us mythical the
story TIM "Coal Oil Johnny" Steele used to
amuse lmscli wknn travelling by hiring hack,
riding 10 it ion 90 Jew minutes and then buy the
turnoW and present it Ia the driver He did
this tiis D77t6 says, at Niagara; but that was
because ii as'cs1caper to do so than to pay the
driver at the ueTs1l rates.
The Indianapolis Scntinc2 says vigorously Of a
RepaoIican gCiemporary that it "has been the
apologist of evtry radical thief and every radical
fraud. IN those days when Grant, with his hands
fun Of brites end his paunch distcndcd with wills
Ky, sat in the Presidential chair surrounded with
c2rpetbaggers, thieves and dcspcradoes out
HaAnaning iisnan the journal was as happy rs
buzzart Utf a dogs uyc in its bcak."
"'Waltor Scott" (thought he was dead wants
us 10 prntthc following in our Cream of Ex-
changes. Gq what exchange are we TO credit il?
love to gamble, swear and drink,
TOaarCc, to smoke and chew
Mostali the girls love me, ! think
Butl1ovc only you
love 10 lie to cheat and bet,
To pkc or steal gem;
So now my pet, YOU needn't fret,
FUl know you love me, EN-.
loYetO blow, TO bragg and boast
About my fast young horse
OF All the girls that loye me most,
sVOu, dear Em, OF course.
loveto 5,.ak dhartS aud rltc,
DrIilay nj any game;
For know it makes no difference TO you, |
faall love Inc dHMe same.
During the proceedings at the Democratic |
Convention Of the Second Congressional District |
OF Texas, when the counties were called, "twas |
ascertsipsd that but one delegate present
from Wood County Mr.. Ross the solitary re-. |
prcsentstiSe, SAID that all men but him in that
csuaty were down with chills from dirt eating. |
He was en- hand, however, to move, in view Of
the report rOout the Austin convention, that "A
committee he appointed 10 search the delegates
and relieve them OF pistols and bowie knives.
The speaker was ruled out of order"
A fly 81 Carthage, H., broke up a happy fami-
~, aud paobably did more rreparablc damage
than any that ever flew since the saved pair of
house flies came out Of the arb Mr.. and Mrs. |
James Howard had just married, and gone to |
Housekeeping. They were very happy until one
of their Ties dropped from the ceiling into Mr. |
Howard's coffee one morning NJ breakfast. He
fshed it out with spoon and flung it on Mrs.
Towards plate. She dashed it back spunkily, |
and he returned the compliment with rising
spirit, not TO be outdone playing ''shoo.ly' SO
the nv was PISSED back and forth between the |
plates many times, until IL was worn out and
used up as Fly Howa'd had the last toss and
when Mrs. Howard couldn't find enough Of the
fly 10 throw a,-k she burst into tears, got her
sun-bouuct, DASHED it on, ana ran with might |
and main t. her Ailcrs house, which was not
Ear nfi howard went to his barn thinking over
d ,rry recent pact nd trying 20 s,.Nc The rid.