The Portland daily press., 1878-01-16
[From the New York Times.1
Mr.. SimpkinS's D0HnfaII.

"an Is the only animal that wears short
socks This is not only moro accurate def.
milton than any hitherto devised by scientific
persons, but 1t shows the inferiority of man to
all other animals, and ought to have even more
eHect in humbling our wicked pride than has
the famous story Of the little girl who was ex-
cessiVely proud of her silk dress until she was
told that 1t was spun, woven, cut out, made IN
aud trimmed by loathsome worm.
The great trouble with the sock is that Il will
not keep its place. There being nothing what
ever to hold it, the force of gravitation necessa-
rlly drags 1t down about the ankle. This causes
an amount OF misery which is appalling. There
Is no man who can feel confidence in his socks.
Wnetner ne Is walking or sitting, he knows
tnat his socks are slowly but surely slippino
DOWN. Garters being out of the question. sinee
the sho ness of the sock does not permit a gar
ter to be placed in position where IL will mot
sllp, the re IS absolutely no remedy for what we
may fairly call the giant evil of the aga. Pins
and mueilage have both been tried by desper.
sse men, put tney have both proved useless, and
nave merely ADDED to the misery of the user.
In these circumstances there is nothing left for
ma man 70 40 except to bear the sock in silence or
stocking. e'V"H
a. M The latter alternative was recently chosen by
tnat eloquent but unfortunate CLERGYMAN. Rev.
Challes Simpkins of Westbridge, Pa. Until
the catastrophe which has lately oyertaken
him, the Church did not possess a more popn-
lar and promising young clergyman. He could
repeat the opening exhortation all the wav
from "Dearly beloved" to forgiveness for The
same without once pausinE for breath, and il
has been asserted that he could monotona the
entire Apostles Greed while breathing only
three tlmes. AS he was unmarried and moi
yet twenty-seven years old, he was recarded
with peculiar reverence by the unmarried ladies
OF MS parish, and he received more annual slim
pers than any other clergyman 10 the United
States.
Neatness was one of the distinguishing char
acteristics of Mr.. Simpkins, and there ara
prooaoly few men who have suffered more
from short socks. When walking throueh the
village. he was in continual dread lest his
SOCKS snoulq descend into public view, and even
when preaching his most eloquent sermons the
perspiration would gather on his brow as he
felt one of his SOCKS was gradually slipping
down. This wore upon him so that his massive
intellect threatened to totter and on the morn
ing OF tne eighty-hrSt Sunday after Trinity, he
deIDerately paused after remarklng there end
th"-and stopped down to repair damages.
That night he resolved that vigorous measures
must be taken, and he accordingly wrote a con-
ndentai letter to his sisters husband who re-
sloed In this city, and inclosed all the necessa-
ry measurement. Shortly afterward he rs
celVeo, ostensioly from the husband, but really
from the atfectionate sister, two dozen nairs n
Balorggan hose, together with pair of scarlet
n. q tha
right size. '-'
AS soon as Mr. Simpkins has learned by re-
peated experiment how to wear the scarlet
appliances, his spirits began to rise He was no
longer prey to doubt and despair His stock
lngs nrmly Kept their place, and he felt that be
could even attend a church picnic and climb
over fence without fear of consequences.
Accordingly for the first time during bis rasi.
dence at Westbridge, he consented to attend
the Sunday-school picnic on the Dist of October
Ill
delight the souls Of all the unmarried teachers
of the church.
Mr.. Simpkins, being free from care, entered
into the sports of the picnic with great zest,
ana tne children insisted that he, together with
blind mans buff. The request was acceded TO.
ana the usual running, laughing and shrieking
toloWed. 1t was while MIR. Simpkins was
neelng, IN company with six excited teachers
rom TIE pursuit OF blindfolded small boy,
tnat ne suddenly noticed that one OF his elias.
tics had become unclasped and had fallen to
tne groond. AT the same mome1. it was per
ceived By the prettiest of the teachers, who
made frantic effort to seize it, bat was an
ts tScipasea py the unhappy clergyman. 1t was
bad enough for him to know that the teacher
mad discovered his misfortune, bat what was
MS norror and amazement when, with every
appearance OF anger she demanded that he
should "hand her that INSTANTLY. He was so
astonished at her evident desire to make sport
OF him that he did not deign to answer her.
but put the disputed article in his pocket and
walked away. Whereupon the teacher burst
into tears and informed her confidential friends
that Mr.. Simpkins had had the inconceiyable
aadaclty to steal one of her-in fact, her prl-
vste property.
The scandal spread rapidly and widely, and
grew as rapidly as it spread. AT the end OF
halt an hour every lady at the picnic had cut
the clergyman in a most marked manner.
Burning with shame and indignation, he for
got to repair the deficiencies of his toilet, and
went home feeling rather more crestfallen than
did the Prophet Daniel when he found that the
lions would not recognize his existence. 1t
was not until he was on the point of seeking a
sleepless pillow that he discovered that both his
scarlet elastics were in their proper place,
while the one which he bad picked up at the
picnic lay on his table. The full horror of his
situation flashed upon him. The teacher had
really dropped a scarlet elastic and he seized 1t
under the impression that it was his own
The utter hopelessness of ever making any
satisfaction explanation of the affair was too
apparent. Early next morning Mr. Simpkins
fled from Westbridge, ruined man. The
fatal articles which had caused his downfall he
left behind him, and they teach with muta but
powerful eloquence the lesson that we should
bear the socks we have and never dream Of
hy1ag to stockings of which we know nothing
except by hearsay.