The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1878-11-07
PASSING SMILES.

own money cannot be trusted with
public funds.
LET man eat some of the bacon
served out to the army, and then come
and tell us that flesh is weak, if he
! dares.
| A VERY fat man sent an order to the
etfice for two seats in the coach for him
self. The clerk engaged him one seat
outside and the other inside.
SEE here, how is this? Can't 20 into
bankruptcy without paying your debts?
What's this wretched country coming
to, any how Burlington Hamkeye
THE Chinese at home never ego
visiting" When one wants to see his
relatives he journeys to their abode,
puts up at hotel, and sends for them
to come over and shake hands.
IT is fact, demonstrated beyond dis
pute, that the person who is entirely
alone when slipping down on the side
walk is more hurt than if he were sur
rounded by scores of unfeeling people.
Detroit Free Press.
He commenced with, "Oh can those
lovely eyes of thine when she
stopped him short and told him she
wasn't canning that kind of fruit Just
then, and wouldn't be coaxed to do it
either Yonkers Gazette.
GRANDFATHER-"Y You are stupid,
Charlie; the dullest boy L ever saw"
Charlie" You mustn't texpect me to un-
derstand things as quick as you do,
grandfather; because you don't have
trouble to get 'em through your hair"
Miss LIMA TETTENBoRN has trained
dog in her new play, which shakes hands
with her most intelligently. This is
decided improvement upon the old
fashioned dog, who always insisted on
shaking other portions of our anatomy.
I,-Bredkfast Table. 5s.a q. 81 3 ,a.i5,--
The artist on the Graphic who has the
handling of pictures of war always has
three or four officers in front of the
men, waving their swords and foaming
at the mouth. Some one should tell
him that infantry officers are always in
the rear of the line, and they never for
get their positions, either.
ONE queer feature of the American
character is that so many young men at
the theater are SO willing to disturb
| themselves and others to go outside be-
tween the acts merely to get Glove, a
bit of lemon peel, or to see man whose
business could possibly wait till morn-
ing without the least detriment.
COMING back from little trip to
Havre, a Partisan thus bewailed his
misfortune to a railway companion.
:" One thing is certain, you won't catch
me on any more of these excursions. 1
have lost my wife and my cane" And
then he added, with tears in his eyes,
"And it was new cane, tool"
In China they behead a physician
who loses a patient. If this custom
could be introduced in the United States
large numoer of young men who are
now hanging around medical colleges
would Immediately turn their attention
to agriculture or some other useful and
harmless pursuit.-Rome Sentinel
HERE we are, right on the heels of an
election, and nobody has called us a
wall-eyed, knock-kneed, limber-toed,
turkey -trod son of perdition. 1t makes
us sad to contemplate the degeneraey of
| the times. Years ago-but why add to
the gloom by calling up happy recol-
lections of the past?-Keokuk Consti-
tuition.
I HEARDa grave, cynical old army
officer the other day rebuke some friends
who were laughing at the peculiar ac-
tions of some newl Unmarried doves near
him. "Stop that" said he. Hats off
to the only class of truly happy mortals
/ in the world. Let them alone. God
knows it will be short enough with them
at best" .. ...
ssWHAT piece of work is mani How
noble in reason! How infinite in facul-
ties! In form and moving, how express
and admirable, In action, how like an
angel. In apprehension, how like a
god!" And yet, some how or other, he
never looks that when he is backed up
to a peanut stand taking in tail pocket
cargo of peanuts.
GTHIs is The season." says the Free
Press, "when the girl, whose stern
father has kicked her lover outdoors,
packs up few things, writes an eight
page letter to her mother, drops a
clothes-line from her chamber window,
and at midnight, when silence reigns,
raises the sash, sees how dark it is, and
Jumps into bed as fast as she can."
AT public reading recently cock
ney was attempting to recite part OF
Bailie Nicol Jarvie, but with Indifferent
success. A brawny Scot in the audi
ence, indignant at the ruthless murder
of his native tongue, bawled out
"Whaur's your awksent, mum r. why,
you've got it," answered the cockney,
to the intense delight OF the audience
HAIL FLAPJACKi
Nv fapjscki tits of thee
Thea that agreest with me
Of thee singi
Thou that with pork art fried,
Then buttered on one side,
With ample syrup thick applied
Thou luscious thingI
Chi savory morsel minel
What taste is like to thine,
Well buttered one7
!. love to watch thee fry,
To see the cook toss thee on high,
And stick thee with fork to try
II thou art done! Boston Tunes.
= THINGS are not much altered IL
r the Royal Navy since Marryatt':
: times as most people believe. 1t Ii
, fact that at a recent examination
. for passing as clerk in the Royal Navy
the candidate who obtained full mark
: in most of the subjects in which he wa
examined was only allowed half mark
/ French and German, because tn
: examining Paymaster knew nothing
4 of those languages" Verbum sap.
: HELEN TRACY, playing the heroin
d in :" The Gilded Age" in Cincinnati
i tried to shoot the villain, but the pisto
It wouldn't shoot. The predicament wa
e awkward. She dubbed the pistol, an
/ walked up to the rascal and banged hir
# over the head with the handle. ii
/ dropped dead. But, when she starte
= back in affected horror and cast tn
j. pistol upon the floor, the thing went Q
l. close to her feet, making her yell wit
Il fright.
a GAM yellow fever sufferer, and
!. want four-bit dinner" said a red-nose
specimen, stepping into Clay-stret
h restaurant. "But there is no fever
,,tl,, ~ bIopdIv reio;ued the reutlemal