Weekly Trinity journal., 1878-07-13
THAT AWFUL PHONOGRAPH

be devoted are manifold and surprising.
Mrs. Casmeen need no longer sit up
until midnight for late husbsnd-that is,
late coming home. She can now speak
her lecture in the diaphragm of the phon-
ograph, attach one end OF cord to the
crank aud the ether end to the knob of
her chamber door, and retire to her downy
couch, with the sweet and comforting as
surance of having "spoken her mind"
where it would do the most good. Car
meen will come sneaking it at l A. NJ, as
usual, and creep stealthily up stairs, but
no sooner does he open his bedroom door
than that aw1ul phonogrsph will up and
tell him in his wife's we'll known voice,
what she thinks of "such conduct as
this" winding up with stern command:
Now, come to bed, you old fool, and
don't sit there blinking like sick owl !"
And all the time this performance is in
progress, Mrs. Carmeen may be reveling
in sweet dreams, in which spring bonnets
and the latest lovely thing in polonaise
predominate.
Tho phonograph is also capable of
playing some pretty shabby tricks, and if
Deacon Peppers could have laid his hands
on the inventor, few nights ago, he
would probably have torn him into two
thousand fragments-more or less.
The Deacon is-or rather was-a good
man and class leader in the Brownsville
Church. He visited New York recently
and wandered into an establishment
where several monographs were on exhi-
bi.ion and for sale. He became much in
terested in the instrument and when he
spoke into the mouth-piece of one of the
machines, and heard his own words
ground out with startling distinctness, he
manifested his astonishment in one pro-
longod "W h-e-w"
Then happy thought struck him. He
usually made brief address at class
meeting on Friday evenings, and he
suddenly conceived the idea of speaking
his piece in the phonograph, purchasing
the invention, and surprising the breth-
rem and sisters at the next meeting. The
idea was carried into execution-to some
extent. The Deacon charged the phono.
graph with an appropriate address, and
whilst he was bargaining with the owner
for the instrument, in another part of the
room, a rough, bushy wbiskered individ-
ual, attired in corduroy pantaloons, and
speckled shirt, slipped in unobserved
and howled lot of stuff into the same
machine. The Deacon paid for and car
ried off the photograph, entirely ignorant
Of the frightful sentences injected into it
by the rough person, who, as subsequent
events proved, was the intellectual driver
OF mule team, and not very choice in
his language.
The next day was Friday, and in the
evening the Deacon marched into the
church with his photograph under his
arm, and his face Illuminated with q ra-
diant smile.
"My friends" he commenced, ST have
a little surprise for you. do no: intend
TO address you this evening. 1 have
brought a substitute to speak for me-
This little instrument have here (hold-
ing up the phenograph) will now address
you briefly on your duty to the church
and suffering humanity"
Then the Deacon with smile extend
ing from ear to ear, gave the crank a
couple Of turns, and all the color faded
from his face as the photograph thunder
ed forth
"Git up there you dashed old cripple
Whoa, Sal 4! you blind"
1t was awful.
The hair of the brothers in the from
pews stood straight up, sister in this
back part ofthe house tainted dead away
and the sexton yelled "fre!"
''There- is-some- terrible mistake
here" gasped the Deacon, after few
minutes OF painful silence. "I must
have turned the crank the wrong way
or maybe the Inch pin is loose, or the
safety valve has lost screw, or some
thing" And, perspiring at every pore,
the Deacon essayed another turn, and the
machine yelled
Geo Bill Where in the destination
are you going you son OF mule (! Ped
d i-whoa-a-a! Blast your eyes, can't
YOU"
The awtuiness became more awful.
Three more sisters tainted, several
brothers clapped their hats on their heads
and their fingers in their ears, and started
for the door shouting "police I" and the
sexton hallooed murder" while the
Deacon wildly clutched the phonograph
by the neck and cboked it until it was
black in the face, and its eyes bulged out
an inch.
But it was no use. The internal ar
rangement of the machine was evident
ly demoralized, and the cylinder continu-
ed To revo.ve, grinding out the most
frightful language ever heard outside of a
political ward convention and when the
audience was saluted with "I'll knock
your dashed brains out, you long cared
they didn't wal. for the remainder OF the
address," but got up as one man-and
one woman-and made dash for the door
in decidedly panic stricken manner
The old deacon, with his face the color OF
small pox flag, threw the phonograph
over the pulpit, sprang after it, and kick
ed it down the aisle into the street, where
the sexton smashed it with an axe, just as
the Deacon's address began to issue from
It's mouthpiece, and then placed it under
the hydrant and let stream Of water run
on il all night.
A committee was appointed on the spo