The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1878-09-12
WIT AND HUMOR.

IT having been stated that none of
the boatmen can pull SUM- stroke, it is
suggested that that depends upon the
scull.
How MUCH was this butter, did you
say?" "Seventeen cents, SIR" "Where
on earth have the other two gone? I
can only smell fifteen"
"WHAT," says the Christian IntelA-
gencer, "what is so rare as an honest
man?" Well, we should say sirloin
steak is very frequently.
| Ten MILLS make l cent. say the
arithmetics; but competition is so
strong among the cotton factories that
10 mills do not make a cent.
PLEASANTLY suggestive. Customer
"What do want? want a revolver p
Shopman-"How many barrels? ?"
Customer-"For six persons %
CYRUS CARD was married the other
day, and on his wedding notices were
the words "No Cards. But then he
doesn't know what might happen.
A MICHIGAN woman hid her COW I'M
der the hay to keep her out of sight of
the tax-collector, and newspaper calls
it a case Of cowhiding bya female.
NOTHING betrays the innocence of
mems natures more than to see one
feeling all over his coat tails to find a
pocket which is IN his coat at home.
SOME Of the papers are making a
great ado over "a man-eating fish,"
Why should not man eat fish if he
likes it and has come honestly byit?
THE Stamford Advocate, after diligent
search, has discovered that
Time is money-there's something in it,
For silver dollars coined in a IHdn't.
WHAT is there in this world SO drear
AS lying all tossed with pain,
Of poem which you can't get printed.
And yet which might probably set some great
thoughts in far4e?
"PAPER, sir?" asked the newsboy.
emo, I never read" was the blunt an
swer. "Hi, boys, come here" called
out the gamin; "here's a man as is prac-
ticin' for the jury!'
BARBER (apropos of customers beard)
sc Yes, great improvement, indeed, sir,
since you took our Balm OF Illyria.'
Of course you will take another bottle %
Customer (dryly)-"No, thanks, haven't
tried the first yet.
A POLITICAL speaker accused a rival of
unfathomable meanness, and, then,
rising to the occasion, said : 81 warn
him not to persist in his disgraceful
course. or he'll find that two of us can
play at that camel"
ACTING up to his principles Gentle
many Why, man, you've swallowed
half cork in that whisky Extra
hand--"All right, sor I'm contint.
I've Iarned to take Everything in the
spirit in which it is offered"
A oLorH1ER has excited public curl
osity by having a large apple painted
on his sign. When asked for an ex-
PLANTATION, he replied: eff it hadn't
been for an apple, where would the
ready-made clothing stores be to-day?"
A WASHINGTON policeman says he
hasn't seen drunken man in the streets
of that city for over year. Thousands
of drunken men could probably befound
who would testify that they hadn't seen
policeman in the streets of the capital
for the same length of time.
STEPPING into a lager-beer saloon
swarming with flies. on Saturday, GUS
toner asked the proprietor why he did
not get some fy-paper and catch the
insects. His reply was "Vell, you
see, ven 7 gets dot baber und puts it
on der counter, dey shpile it in fife min
utes." ....
BREAKFAsT-TABLE: "When you
choose wife, young man, don't go it
blind, says religious exchange, "but
proceed prayerfully, quietly, calmly. and
considerably to find out her faults and
foibles, likes and dislikes." Good as
far as it goes but what the young man
wants to know is, how can he manage to
stack up all the aforesaid information
unless he marries the girl beforehand.
"YoU see, my DEAR" he explained,
"the man was climbing the ladder with
hodful of mortar on his shoulder.
Just as I passed under it, he slipped,
and the whole contents of the hod
came down on my head" Chow ridic-
ulous you must have looked" she re-
piled. con the contrary, my dear, I
was sublime"
THERE is no ridiculous nonsense about
the honest Deadwoodians. The most
vigorous waltzer at dance there last
week excused himself at half-pa IL be-
cause he had tage-coach to rob at 12.
What a rebuke this is to our giddy,
procrastinating, self-indulgent votaries
OF pleasure. That man is bound to rise
even If the whole community have to
pull on the rope.
BosToN Transcript: We heard of
case the other day where young man
applied to his employer for short leave
of absence. The employer, having his
own views of his business, suggested,
for a reason, that the young man delay
his vacation for few days. "Iwould,"
replied the young man, "but the fact is
I am going to get married, the day is
and I ao0,at to be there a0hen
1T comes Off" He was there on time.