The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1878-01-19
Artemus Ward on the Platform.

SUNDAY Cleveland LEADER
To begin at the beginning, there al
ways was suggestive incogruity in Ar
temus Wards announcements. This
time it was advertised that the lecture
would be just one hour long, commenc-
ing at a quarter to eight and ending at
nine.
Now, it was precisely quarter of eight
when there emerged from the right
upper entrance of the theater the we'll
known slight form of the veteran show
man. l say well-known," but the ex-
pressions of those around me as
he took his seat were those of sur
prise, as if they expected to see the burly
creature that dispenses show-bills in the
frontispiece of The Great Moral PIANO.
rama" No likeness to him was truly
discernibe in that frail, thin, faultlessly
dressed figure that now sat so quietly at
one end Of the stage. The impression on
one was of pain. The face wore such
pallor; the eyes were so preternaturally
large and melancholy. 1t seemed as If
death had already marked him for his
own. In moment or two he seemed dis
turbed. He took out his watch and
looked at it. Then he looked inquir-
ingly and nervously at part of the audi
ence. Then he putt back his watch. Then
he changed his position; shifted one leg
over the other; after half a minute
shifted it back, and followed up these
motions with others suggestive Of uneas-
mess so continually that they began to
infect the audience. We were all won
dering what it could mean. AS his ner-
vous unres. became more marked, our
sympathy with the evidently suffering
lecturer became positively uncomforta-
BILE. He now took out looked ut intently,
and replaced his watch again, glanced at
the audience piteously, as if expecting
from them some relief; tilted back in
his chair and then forward again, as il
catching thought that he might topple
over, and then he half arose, sat again
and began positively to tremble. Our
nervous sympathy was now at fever
heat, and really believe something to
relieve the suffering lecturer would have
been done when suddenly large clock
in one of the churches began tolling the
hour of eight. At the first stroke he
grew calm and collected, and as the last
was echoing on the stilled air he arose
to his feet, and coming to the center
of the stage, his voice was heard low
and hesitating and apologize, explain
ing that his trepidation during the last
fifteen minutes had been caused by the
fact that he had been advertised to begin
speaking at quarter to eight and to
end at nine, and yet only to speak an
hour, and he couldn't tell whether to
begin at quarter to eight and speak
| till quarter to nine, or to begin at
eight and end at nine. Here his apology
| might have ended. But q mere apology
did not suit his designs. He went on
into an elaborate and ingenious exagger-
alton of his, of course, imaginary feelings
of suspense. / can hear even now his
slow, quivering, hesitating voice as he
struggled Il can use no better world out to
us in visible embarrassment, all the more
effective because it was feigned. 1t was
the best se,io-comedy to listen to his re-
cital of his inability to speak more than
an hour and the dilemma in which he had
been placed, and on either horn OF which
he affectingly said he had been fearing he
should be tossed. In explaining or at
tempting to explain the situation more
graphically, he used word which was
obviously not the one he wanted. He
Immediately perceived this and glibly
remedied it by pronouncing another.
But this, too, was plainly incorrect. So
he stumbled upon third synonym, but
this was so conspicuously inexact, that
he halted, nonplussed. Then he tried
to 90 on again, but the fourth attempt
was the choice of so incongruous word
as to cause smile. AS if painfully
sware that he was becoming ridiculous,
he went back and began all over again.
But this was too much; the audience
drowned his voice in peals Of wild hilar-
ity over the long joke to which itself had
contributed. And when few minutes
later, he was pathetically telling us all,
that he had come there to Boston to lee
ture so that he might get money enough
to 20 to Africa, for he would feel as if he
had lived in vain if he didn't go to
Africa, and, bursting into tears, he
didn't want to live in vain, he would
rather live in Boston-so great was the
laughter, there wasn't, as at Teddy
Strikers funeral on rainy day, a dry
II l.