, 1878-08-29
Wit and HumOr.

WIEN one man makes money at short
hand writing ten men can make money
by cutting short Il sf@ talk
a MAN named Chrystal edits New
jersey paper. He is most as good as an
edltor with glass eye.-Frte Press.
WHAT was the most honest bet that
was ever madeY The alpha.b bet. Its
maker was evidently man of letters,
too.
THE Norristown Hrald has ascertained
that "blue glass, mashed up fine and ad-
mlnistcred internally, will cure o dog of
sheep-killing"
ONE of the conductors on Boston
street railway is divinity student, who
took the position for few months "in
order to study human nature"
The present style of weather calls TO
mind the remark of sable brother, that
"he had mos alters noticed if he lived
tro de month of March he lived fro de
year."
Two oysters in gallon of luke warm
tiuid at church fair are no longer called
stews, but aquariums, and some people
think there are too many fish to the
water.
A scHooLMAsTER asked class what
Shylock meant when he said, "My deeds
upon my head" "Well," said one of the
boys, II don't know unless he carried bis
papers in his hat"
BEES neither hum nor buzz. 1t has
been discovered that the noise made by
them is lament. They feel sorry that
they cant sting dozen boys at once
Detroit Free Press.
HERE is an extract from q little boys
first composition: "W'en cats is a
swearin' and blastemin' and tryin' the
cages of their steam bilers in the back
yard at mite it makes feller offle Trade,
if he isn't sleepin' with his big brother"
BARBER (apropos of customers
beard)-"Yes, great improvement, in
deed, sir, since you took our Balm of
Illyria.' Of course you will take an.
other bottleG" Customer (dryly)-"No,
thanks, haven't tried the first yet"
A MOST worthy man, unaccustomed 10
public speaking, being suddenly called
upon to address Sunday.school, rose to
his feet, and after vainly struggling for
utterance, at last hoarsely muttered,
"Dear children, don't ever play with
powder"
| A LITTLE girl asked an old gentleman
who hated conundrums: What is the
difference between potato and lemOnl"
~ don't know" sDarlod the old man.
i"Dont knowW exclaimed the child !;
"then don't want you to buy any lem
ons for me-"
CIvILrrY is to man what beauty ia
to woman. 1t creates an instantane-
Gus impression in his behalf, while the
opposite quality excites as quick preju-
dice against him. 1t is real ornament,
the most beautiful dress that man or
woman can wear, aud worth more as q
means of winning favor than the finest
clothes and Jewels ever worn.
| SUPPOSE" said an Iowa lawyer to a
witness he was trying to badger recently,
suppose / should tell you that l could
bring dozen men of your town to the
courtroom who would say they would
not believe you on oath, what would you
say9" And calmly the witness replied
81 would say you lied.n A gentle smile
difused itself all over the courtroom,
and the unruffled witness stepped down.
AFTER DINNER orator: ''It's in the
wonderful insight inter 'uman nature that
Dickens gets the pull over Thackeray;
but, on t'other hand, it's in the brilliant
shafts o. satire, t'gether with a keen sense
o humor, that Dickery gets the pull over
Thackens. It's just this: Thickery il
the humOrist, and Dackens is the satirist.
But, after all, it's 'bsurb to instoot any
comparison between Dackery and Tbik-
ens." .......... I-...
flow does this readi The "Club
House," notorious gambling hell, in
Washington, was cleared out by the po-
lice on Saturday night. Among the
gamblers captured were an ex-Assistant
Secretary of the Treasury, prominent
South Carolina Judge, an ex-U. S. Sena-
tor, and several exConggessmen. All
spent the night in the station.house, and
were released Sabbath morning on giving
security.
A YOUNG man in barber shop was
particular about having his moustache
nicely perfumed. "Going to call on
young lady, l Isupposeip the barber asked.
The young man, with much dignity, re-
piled, "See here, my friend, do you sup
pose put perfumery on my moustache
because I'm going to see aman, or boy,
or an old woman, or babe in armsi"
Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs
of thistlesl"
In ancient Sparta, the government paid
as much attention to the rearing If men
as men now pay to cattle breeding. The
law regulated the degree of fatness to
which it was lawful for citizen to ex-
tend his body, and when man got too
fat for military service, he was sOundly
whipped. Merciful heavens, if David
Davis had been an ancient Spattanl We
might have heard him yell clear over
here-HGpk-eye.
LOOK at Texas" proudly shouts the
Shreveport Sentinel. All yes, we see, we
see; he has the drop on him, hasn't he2
Yes indeed. there he goes. Now the