Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1878-08-27
WIT, HUMOR, and FANCY.

Look beef DER before you purchase
steak this MISUNDERSTANDING Herald
The Butler earney-S hupe-Schwab
platform: "More money, without earn
ing it,"
The President of the French republic
is seventy-one years old. He was born
July Is, 1907.
Manton Marble cannot write unless
seated on a dictionary. P. Sand he
can't then.-Butdlo Cypress.
Cyprus is about as large as Connecti-
cut. If anything, Connecticut is nut
meg greater.-CO,rier Journal.
This is the last rose of summer, as the
man said when he got out of bed on the
morning of August 31st.-Derrick.
The true paragrapher, like Homer, oc-
casionally mods, but even then he gets
a joke out of his noddle.-Graphic.
Every married man thinks as has Sc
cured the woman with an iron jaw
Now, why is this Buffalo Express.
If it cost anything to go to church,
around like wild men for free passes
Puck.
The Rev. Murray has been bitten by
wildcat in Maine. but the cat was old
and tough, and will probably get over
it.-FTee Press.
The Japanese can make good turtle
sOnp from the old rinds Of the American
hams, yet we speak of them as flat
headed heathen.-FTee Press.
tIr. A. 1,rcxoo,J :,c,,;ro. Al -
Chicago Tribune Nicely, thanks, ex-
we lie awake half the uight.-RockJand
Courier.
An Iowa farmer worth $40, 900 started
out four years ago to secure legal re-
venge on neighbor. The lawyers hav e
his all now, while he has revenge
Free Press.
"What business is your father in, my
child ?" "Sure, and L do no. He is a
dictator, or an agitator, or a Spectator,
tatur of some kind, amy way.-N Y.
Commercial Advertiser.
A doctor went out for days hunting,
and on coming home complained that
he hadn't killed anything. ''That's be-
cause you didn't attend to your legiti-
mate business" said his wife.
The Buffalo Express says:
We do not believe the ramor that old
Beaconsfield hopes to win the widow of
Prince Albert. Tits true that Victoria's
business affairs are great and compiled
ted, but Beaconsfield has one foot in the
grave and has hard work to keep the
too, conversation with the lady not
long since, which shows conclusively
that she entertains no such ridiculous
idea.
'Vich L think it 8 absurd" she said,
shaking her royal head maliciously.-
"Vy the mans seventy fiveif 'e's day,
and ERE am [ right in my prime. Hold
enough to be my father. and 'aven't
reached my one and-fortieth year yet
o, get along with you. get along! ] al
most wish I wasn't Hempress.
"But, your Majesty" we said respect
fully, linen have been known to live
great many years, and to die at that only
under protest. There was Mr.. Methu-
selah."
"Vich I wish you wouldn't talk to me
in that manner" replied her Majesty,
industriously arranging spit-curl with
somewhat trembling hands. "You bag
itates me, sir. [ know that my affairs
needs the attention of business man,
and that can't attend to them myself.
know that Halbert Edward is mere
boy and not to be trusted. know that
/ needs a protector ven wishes to 60 to
the hopery and elsevsres o. nights. [
know Pm forlorn woman vich is hen
titled to the sympathies of the world
But old Beaconsfield never can't think
of nohow, and SO I tell you. Beacons-
field, sir, I abhOrW
We should think this ought to settle
the absurd rumor now going the rounds.
We do assure the reader that as her
Majesty spoke the tears stood out ia her
royal eyes, and she was evidently in
such state of mind that Mysteries
would not have been surprising.
"And then, }" she added after moment,
marriages is lottery for the most part.
l do not go to deny, sir, that Halbert
Hedward was extraordinarily fortu
nate in his selection; but them hacci-
dents do not 'appen hevery day. Look |
at my son, the Duke of Hedinburg, and
the forward little Russian mink that 'e
got. Look at my darter who got the
'asn't 'eld up Ter precious 'ead to this |
day. 1 grant you that the wife of Fred
erick Williams 'as been quite 'appy Il
but 'asn't she lad to work Ter fingers to
the VERY bone, say? Don't tell me!'
We said to her Majesty that we didn't
propose tie tell her; that her wisdom was
doubtless all that was necessary to the
occasion, etc.
And then," she remarked finally,
blushing and settling her hoad modestly
back to her cap, land then, you know,
am 80 young. / really cannot trust
myself in this matter, am SO hinexpe-
rienced. All, sir! it is very sad, 1 as
sure, to be q kvween, and to be SO timid
and so VERY delicate at the same time.