The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1878-11-16
NUMBER 5.
PASSING SMILES.

MEN who cannot take care of their
own money cannot be trusted with
. public funds.
LET man eat some of the bacon
served out to the army, and then come
and tell us that flesh is weak, if he
dares.
VERY fat man sent an order to the
office for two seats in the coach for him
self. The clerk engaged him one seat
outside and the other inside.
SEE here, how is this7 Can't 60 into
bankruptcy without paying your debts?
What's this wretched country coming
to, any how III Burlington Ha'okeye.
THE Chinese at home never ego
visiting" When one wants to see his
relatives he Journeys to their abode,
puts up at hotel, and sends for them
to come over and shake hands.
Ir is a fact, demonstrated beyond dis
pute, that the person who is entirely
alone when slipping down on the side
walk Is more hurt than If he were sur
rounded by scores of unfeeling people.
Detroit Free Press.
He commenced with, ooh can those
lovely eyes of thine when she
stopped him short and told him she
wasn't canning that kind of fruit Just
then, and wouldn't be coaxed to do it
either Yonkers Gazette.
| GRANDFATHER--"Y You are stupid,
Charlie; the dullest boy ever saw"
Charlie" You usn'texpect me to UNI
derstand things as quick as you do,
grandfather; because you don't have
trouble to get 'em through your hair"
Miss LIMA TETTENBoRN has trained
dog in her new play, which shakes hands
with her most intelligently. This is
decided improvement upon the old
fashioned dog, who always insisted on
shaking other portions of our anatomy.
-Brcaktast Table.
THE artist on the Graphic who has the
handling of pictures of war always has
three or four officers in front of the
men, waving their swords and foaming
at the mouth. Some one should tell
him that infantry officers are always in
the rear of the line, and they never for
get their positions, either.
ONE queer feature of the American
character is that so many young men at
the theater are so willing to disturb
themselves and others TO go outside be-
tween the acts merely to get a Glove, a
bit of lemon peel, or to see man whose
business could possibly wait till morn
ing without the least detriment.
COMING back from little trip to
Havre, Partisan thus bewailed his
misfortune to railway companion.
One thing Is certain, you won't catch
me on any more Of these excursions. |
have lost ny wife and my cane" And
then he added, with tears in his eyes,
"And it was new cane, tooW
In China they behead physician
who loses patient. Ii this custom
could be introduced in the United States
large numoer of young men who are
now hanging around medical colleges
would Immediately turn their attention
TO agriculture or some other useful and
harmless pursuit.-Rome Sentinel.
HEARDa grave, cynical old Army
officer the other day rebuke some friends
who were laughing at the peculiar ac-
tions Of some newly-married doves near
him. "Stop that" said he. "Hats off
to the only class Of truly happy mortals
in the world. Let them alone. God
knows it will be short enough with them
at best"
| AT public reading recently cock
ney was attempting to recite' part Of
Bailie Nicol Jarvie, but with Indifferent
success. A brawny Scot in the audi
ence, indignant at the ruthless murder
of his native tongue, bawled out,
"Whaur's your awksent, munT' "Why,
you've got it'll" answered the cockney,
to the intense delight of the audience.
HAIL FLAPJAcK!
My aapjacki tits Of thee
| Thou that agreest with me-
/ OF thee ring
| Thou that with pork art fried,
Then buttered on one side,
With ample syrup thick applied
Thou luscious thingl
oh! savory morsel mine
What taste is like to thine,
| Well buttered one7
! love 10 watch thee fry,
TO zee the cook toss thee on high,
And stick thee with fork to try
II thou art donei --BOsfon Timer.
THINGS are not much altered in
the Royal Navy since Marryatt's
times as most people believe. 1t is
a fact that at a recent examination
for passing as clerk in the Royal Navy,
the candidate who obtained full marks
in most of the subjects in which he was
examined was only allowed half marks
French and German, because the
Examining Paymaster knew nothing
of those languages" Verbum sap.
HELEN TRACY, playing the heroine
in "The Gilded Age" in Cincinnati,
tried to shoot the villain, but the pistol
wouldn't shoot. The predicament was
awkward She dubbed the pistol, and
walked up to the rascal and banged him
over the head with the handle. He
dropped dead. But, when she started
back in affected horror and cast the
pistol upon the floor, the thing went off
close to her feet, making her yell with
fright.
A NEW way of stating an old fact:
Into thirty diurnal sections Of time, is the month
Of September divided;
| April, June, and November likewise, and 1t has
also been decided
That thirty-one days, and nights as well, some
eight Of the others Containing,
| Leaves twenty-eight days and piece of night
For the Valentine month remaining;
But when leap-year comes, with skip and jump,
Lest February reptne,
| He adds on day to the calendar count,
Thus making 1t twenty-nine.
Now, if anybody can beat that mod
erniMng any of the old poems, please
step to the front.
Deceit.
! Deceitful and artificial people are gen
orally caught in their own traps. They