The New York herald. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1840-1920, 1878-12-22
SANTA CLAUS CALL BOOK.

SANTA CLAUS CALL BOOK.
APPROPRIATE PRESENTS FOB QUE cIrY's RULERS -
NOBODY TO BE FORGOTTEN CHRISTMAS RE
MEMBRANES TO BIZ DISTRIBUTED ACCORDING
TO DESERTS
Custom has decreed that Christmas presents shah
be devised in the dark and discussed secrecy until
least daylight on the 25th OF December but CUSTOM
like law everything else should gracefully give
way before the pathetic warnings Of such deserving
patriots as the members Of our city government. We
accordingly publish at the earliest possible moment
an abstract from the Christmas memoranda OF Santa
Claus the patron saint OF every who expects to
receive present How the HERALD obtained mate
rial which follows Is affair Of the public. but
do not decline to admit that If dared tell OF
the peril ana experiences Of the enterprsng reporter
who obtained the information hereinafter impaired
the threatened effects OF tho recital OF HaInlets
fathers subterranean experiences would. by
parison. appear thin and Supplying anti
resumption speech the air Of . New York
schoolroom. Nobody dare say that the members
OF city government. In its marvellously
complex FORM not particularly deserving of pres
ents. There are thousands of citizens Who If skill
fully questioned. could not help admitting that some
of the gentlemen alluded to deserving that the
mere mention of their names the desire,
always latent. to bestow stont and heavy boot
IN certain directions. We therefore pass without
comment to abstract OF the work to be done on
Christmas Day by the jolly old driver of the reindeer
drawn sleigh
Mem.-Go drst to the residence Of the Mayor-elect.
leave him approved assortment Of narcotics. sed
asives and everything else that mitigate the hor
rors OF an onslaught Of Office -seekera
For the outgoing Mayor. large quantity Of
spect for human nature to replace that which no
man In his position could have helped losing during
full OF ofce chief magistrate Of the Amer-
metropolis
Leave some watchguard charms made Of pipe or
wire, at the Aldermanic chamber. graceful
recognitions OF the channels through which
business reaches the chamber.
For the Comptroller illuminated proverb 'Iet
the cobber stick to his last, and mistake whole
city for his own shop.
Give each OF the Police Commissioners a pair Of
spectaces of power sufficient to make him capable of
knowing brute when he him, IL the said
brute the uniform OF the department. Give
each of the outgoing Commissioners substitute and
rest For such commissioners supcrintend the
Street Cleaning Bureau broom and shovel each,
with Instructions for using them
For the Department of Docks. 8 statement of the
total amount OF money in existence, that they may
how impossible it is TO improve all the piers aud
bulkheads at the present high rate Of expenditure
and small results.
subdivide in the Excise Board single grain Of
common and ditto of decency, to be used
when low olives" and well known dens OF thieves
apply for license to sell liquor.
For the Department of Public Works, an elementary
treatise on the strength Of building materials and
model of some kind of arch which will not tumble
down more than once.
For the Sherif's Office copy of the Bible with all
passages upon the ultimate tate Of extortoners dis
tincty marked and the corners of the leaves turned
down.
Ditto for the Register.
Ditto for the County Clerk
For the Commissioners of Charities and Correc
tons, list of the number OF the sick and unfortu
nate people who have been worse treated in the
of charity than they would have been by their
worst enemies. Also, list Of minor wrongdoers
who have become hardened villains under the city's
system of correction and reform. Mem.-Before
making these lists be that there is paper enough
in the city to contain them
with which to discover its system OF ventilation
Also. private cemetery to hold the remains Of
children killed by the foul air of the school rooms
For the Park Commission enough presidencies 10 go
around, 80 that private ambitions may be gratiied
and public interests receive proper attention.
Send the Board of Apportionment wire cage in
which to sit and powerful electrical battery to
charge IL, so that all politicians may be kept away
while the Board is deciding how aliot money that it
will do the most good.
Find the long vacated boots of the Tax Commits
sioners and put somebody into them
Give the Board of Health q coffin big enough to
accommodate it, that il go through the motions
OF doing something and yet avoid putting the public
under the impression that 1t means business.
Place in each room Of the Custom House diction-
sry opened At the word "Customs, y that the at
taches Of that establishment may be dsabused Of the
idea that their principal duty is 70 manage the polt
ical in trests of the city VI New York.
send 70 each head of department or bureau relia-
BILE guotne to he used upon his superb nous clerks.
Mem.-Send very large basket to hold the heads.
Give the assessors some valuations Of property
subsequent To the year 1860. and also some that
in accordance with prices since 1879 all these being
apparently missing from the material upon which
the assessors determine their own valuations
Distribute quarter of million aExious seats
among politicians out OF business, their present
resting places having lately become all the way
down 10 the = ints Of the tacks.
Just ~ our terloping reporter had jotted down
the nRmoranna above, and while he was approaching
the list of presents To be made TO individual members
of the city government-thc Bench. Bar. church,
stage dc.-the jolly old master of Christmas
nes became aware of the presence OF stranger. and,
turning OF the gas promptly repaired 10 his stables
to feed and water his reindeer. As he observed the
precaution OF taxing his note book with him
obliged to leave thousands OF prominent but needy
doubt that them viii receive gifts according
to their deserts. but satisfaction is consider
ably tempered by the reflection that getting their
deserts IN what most OF them most afraid of.
ALWAYS WITH YOU"
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