The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-11-15
FACTS AND FANCIEs.
What care we for dyspepsia's ill,
Or how our cough may rack?
Have we not testimonials still
In zach nayr almanaH9


The saddest words of tongue or pen,
'I'm going to pay, but can't tell when
1t occurs to us that the proper -'receiv.
ers'' for collapsed banks would be the
depositors.
"Oh, it is pleasant with heart at ease''
to take lunch of SweitZer cheese, pro-
viding it with you agrees.
Last Sunday a st. Louis minister
preached an hour and twenty minutes to
prove that people talk too much and
think too little.
"Win you settle that old account OF
yours this morning?" said a colonist,
mo, sir; you are mistaken in the man
am not one of the old settlers"
''Sandy, what is the state of religion in
There are no christians except Davie and
myself, and have my doubts about Da-
vie.''
One of our female teachers threatened
to keep an unruly boy fifteen minutes
after school. az wish you'd make it
half an hour" said the appreciative youth,
''for you're the prettiest teacher in this
town"
A St. Louis nurse gave her patient
poison by mistake, and when the latter
died she herself took poison and persisted
in great agony. We call the attention of
various apothecaries and their clerks to
this noble woman.
Good at a bargain-Doting mother:
eyes, shall be happy to give you the
wages you ask, but shall expect you to
love the dear children" Nurse: ~
shall be happy to do so, ma'am; but, of
cOurse-that would be an extra"
An uncle recently found his nephew
playing the violin, and the following
hits took place: 81 fear, nephew, you
lose a great deal of time with this fid
ding" "Sir, endeavOr to keep time
"You mean, rather, to kill time" mo
only beat time"
A pickpocket taken with his hand in
somebody else's pocket endeavors to in
vent all manner of impossible explana
lions of the phenomenon. whats the
use of your trying to lie about it so clum
silly ~ says the magistrate, benevolently
haven't you lawyer?"
A tenant had been importuned so fire
quently for his rent that in climax Of
evaporation he turned on the landlord
"Now, you needn't put on so many airs
old man. Why, owe enough in this
town to buy up all your old houses"
A Yankee auctioneer lately INDUCED
in the following bit of pathetic: "Gen
tlemen, if my father and mother stood
where you do and didn't buy these boots
these elegant bOots-for 81, should
feel it my duty as a son, to tell both o
DoVl hot fol TO
and false to their country
Advertisement in London Matrimonial
News: Instead of fortune, will any
gentlemen, between fifty and seventy
marry titled lady; aged thirty-seven
dark, short, slight, aristocratic face, soft
bright eyes, sweet, refined voice, hair on
yard three inches long, the Norman sigI
of high birth; pleasant, kind and econi
cal?
Personal-Will the young man in
blonde overcoat and liver colored hat
who sang "The heart bowed down witt
grease and hair" out on West Hill, at
| a. M, please repeat his concert this even
ing at the same place, and stand a littl
way from the lamp post, so the audienc'
can get good crack at him with lum]
of coal, without endangering the prop
erty of the gas company?
Sacramento Record Union: The cham
pion long nosed man resides at Sacrs
mentO. Its owner was at breakfast yes
terday, when a friend seated at the oppc
site side of the table, knowing him to b
little near-sighted, remarked: There
a fly on the end of your nose" 81
there ?' responded the owner of the horl
of plenty. 81 didn't know it. Just scar
him off; you're nearer to him than am.
A five-year-old son of family the 9th
er day, stood watching his baby brother
who was making a great noise over hav
ing his face washed. The little fellow
at length lost his patience, and, stamp
ing his little foot, said "You think yo1
have lots of trouble, but you don't know
anything about it. Wait till you're bi
enough to get lickin', and then you'll
| see-won't he, mamma?''
There is a wealthy brewer in Montrea
who built church and inscribed on it
This church was erected by Thoma
Nelson at his sole expense. Hebrew
Xxx chapter" Some of the McGill col
| lege ways got a ladder one night and al
| tered the inscription so as to make
read: "This church was erected b.
Thomas Nelson at his souls expense
He brews (double) Xxx"
He took his seat at the table and peel
ed around at the rest of the boarders wit
haggard, halfstarved look; then call
ing the waiter he deliberately said: "I'n
from Memphis-haveju just recovered from
the fever, and am very hungry. Brinl
me everything you've got" In abou
two seconds he sat alone at that table
and if he didn't get one good square mea
it wasn't because the other boarders in
terfered with the onward CHI of hi
intrepid appetite.