The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1878-08-17
VARIETY.

NY heart still to-day, the tender shining
VARIETY
The SAXON OPPREssoR- Saxon Tourist: al
suppose the English buy all the pigs that you
wish to selI?'' Irish Peasant: They do
Bad luck 20 EN-, the toirants !''-Punch.
An exchange gives as a reason why more people
did not get into the ark, that Noah neglected to
advertise in the newspapers. There is great
moral lesson contained in this fact.
A Chinaman never swears when he gets mad
because there are no cuss words - in his die
tionary. lie simply upsets his wash-tub, butts
the bottom out, kicks dog, and feels better.
1t has been remarked by an eminent physician
ofths country that no more suitable epitaph could
be inscribed upon the headstone of the average
deceased citizen Of the United States than the
brief legend Died Of a frying-pan 20
Here is a good verso in poem elected by the
discussion OF the question of future rewards and
punishments
Believe In no heaven they cannot get into,
natural too. for the wicked, to doubt OF
A hell which they fear they cannot keep out Of
The Scotch farmer waxed indignant at his new
barometer when it would RISE although it contn-
ued raining and, taking 1t to the door, he held
it towards the sky, and exclaimed: g In the
name o. goodness, wull ye na believe your ain
e'en?"
Mistress You needn't be so frightened,
Maria it's only the phonograph." Maria
s'LOr', mum thought it a sewing machine
And only just touched the handle, and it said: :
What the devil are you at?' just like the very
moral Of master = '''-Punch-
Dr. Aver, of 50 Cherry Pectoral' fame, died
worth from fifteen million to twenty million
I,,l ha of
these millions to bother his head about if he had
sense enough not to have advertised. Business
men should take warning. The surest way to
avoid the accumulation of wealth and all the
annoyances which it entails is to avoid adyer-
tising
The Detroit Free Press says: Yesterday
morning a man whose every look proved how
hungry and penniless he was, halted before an
eating stand ut the Central Market to let his
mouth water for while. The woman knew his
worth and called out:
:. Come, be Jogging along You won't get
any food here unless you have the cash"
MY dear woman, he conhdently pegan
as he drew nearer, 80 L am not hungry; just
left the heartiest meal l ever ate. L was not
looking at your beautiful meats, your lovely
cakes, or your rich and juicy pies, but at your
SELF
a. What were you looking ut me for ~
ssI was wondering" he said. " If you were
anv relation to Lady Clare, of England. You
have the same brown eyes, same beautiful hair
same sweet accent"
g never knew her. replied the woman, as
her face began to clear up
Didn't, Ell? Well L never saw two faces
nearer alike in their sweet expression [ wish
had your portrait painted on ivory-I really
wish had. !"
She handed him half pie and piece of
meat. and, as he sauntered off, she began hunt
ing around for piece of broken mirror.
A lady, having heard that her son had gained
in school, as q prize, Q years subscription to
popular Youths magazine, wrote an anxious
letter to the publishers. She had never allowed
her boy to read one sentence that was not alb
solutely true it was the object of her life to
keep him from fiction and ialsity, and she wan
ted 20 know If the magazine was free from these
Objectionable features. The answer was this:
Dear Madam If your notion is carried out
strictly, there is but one publication we can re-
commend, and, on second thought, we DOUBT
even as to that. We were going to suggest the
New Testament, until happened to recollect
that our Saviour therein is mentioned as speak
ing in parables
Turkish beggars-suferers of the present war
in the East-haye put in an appearance. One
of these mendicants presented himself at the
door OF uptown residence few mornings
since, with his hat extended IN suppiIcatory
manner and muttering 80 Allah Bishmallah
yoloshes rustachuk'' or something that way,
when cross dog came up in his rear and seized
q mouthful of his baggy breeches, he exclaimed,
Git out o. that We dirty brute, or III knock
off the head O. We - He knew the dog wouldn' {
understand the Turkish language.-[ Norris
kOtrn Herald.
IL has been ascertained that book agent can
he won by kindness. One day last week West
Hill man tried It on one of them. He beat him
with a bludgeon and broke his arm, poured kero-
sene over his clothes, and set fire to it, shot him
through the lungs and finally locked him up in
room with a mad dog, and the agent, deeply af
fected, whispered through the key-hole that as
soon as the dog got through with him, he d let
him have q COPY of 50 MoOdy's Anecdotes - for
sixty-five cents, which thirty per cent. Off
Burlington Ha,okeye.
CoNsPICUOUsLY EXACT TESTMoNY.-In n trial
at Winchester, 4 witness, failing to make his
version Of 4 conversation ineligible by reason
of his fondness for 50 says T. and s' saws he -
was taken in hand by Baron Martin, with the
following result 80 My man, tell us now ex-
actly what passed" t'Yes, my lord said |
would not have the pig 50 And what was his
answer?'' 80 He said he had been keeping it for
me- and that he''--'' No, no he could NOT
have said that he spoke in the first person. -
No. my lord; ; was the first person that spoke -
ssI mean, don't bring in the third person repeat
his exact words 50 There was no third person
nv lord only him and me.' my good fellow,
he did not say he had been keeping the pig he
said, have been keeping it, - g assure yon,
NV lord, there was no mention of your lordship at
all We are on different stories. There was no
third person there, and if anything had been said
about your lordshpI must have heard it,
Y