San Marcos free press. [volume] (San Marcos, Tex.) 1877-1892, 1878-10-26
Mark Ttcaim as a Candidate.

to run for president. What the country
wants is a candidate who can not be in
iured by investigation of his past his
tory, so that the enemies of the party
will be unable to rake up against him
things that nobody ever heard of before.
If Won know the most about candidate,
to begin with, every attempt to spring
things on him will be check-mated.
Now, am going to enter the field with
an open record am going to own up
in advance to all the wickedness have
done, and if any congressional commit
tee is disposed to prowl around my bi-
ography, in the hope of finding any
dark and deadly deed which l have
secreted, why, let it prowl.
In the first place, I admit that I did
tree rheumatic grandfather of mine in
the winter of 1859. He was old and in
expert at climbing trees. But with a
heartless brutality that is characteristic
of me, ran him out the front door in
his night-shirt, at the point Of shotgun,
and caused him to bowl up a maple tree,
where he remained all night, while l
emptied shot into his legs. 1 did this
because he snored. I will do it again if
1 ever have another grandfather. 1 am
as inhuman now as I was in 1859. No
rheumatic person shall snore in my
house.
I candidly acknowledge that I ran
away at the battle of Gettysburg. My
friends have tried to smooth over this
fact by asserting that I merely got be-
hind tree, that I did SO for the purpose
of initiating Washington, who went into
the woods at Valley Forge to say his
prayers. It is miserable subterfuge.
I struck out in straight line for the
Tropic of Cancer, simply because 1 was
scared. WANTED my country saved, but
I preferred to have somebody else save
her. I entertain that preference yet. Ii
the bubble of reputation can be obtained
only at the lannon's mouth, 1 am willing
to go there for it, provided the cannon
is empty. If it is loaded, my immortal
and infexible purpose is to get sudden
ly over the fence and go home. My in
variable practice in war has been to bring
out of any given fight two-thirds more
men than I took in. This seems to me
to be Napoleonic in its grandeur.
My financial views are of the most de-
cided character, but they are not likely,
perhaps, to increase my popularity with
the advocates of initiation or contract II
do not insist upon the special suprema-
cy of rag money OF hard money. The
great fundamental principle of my life is
to take any kind that can get.
The rumor that I buried a dead aunt
under one of my grape vines is founded
upon fact. The vines needed fertilizing,
my aunt had to be buried, and I dedi-
Gated her to this high purpose. Does
that unfit me for the presidency? The
constitution of our country does not say
so. No other citizen was ever consider
ed unworthy of Office because he en-
riched his grape vines with his relations.
Why should I be selected as the first
victim of an absurd prejudice?
admit, also, that I am not friend
of the poor man. I regard the poor man,
in his present condition, as so much
wasted raw material. Cut up and prop
erly canned, he might be made useful to
fatten the natives of the Cannibal islands,
and to improve our export trade with
that region: l shall recommend legisla-
ton upon the subjectin my first message.
My campaign cry will be "Desiccate the
poor working man. Stuff him into sau-
sages.'
These are about the worst parts of my
record. On them 1 come before the
country. If my country don't want me
will go back again. But I recommend
myself as safe mana man who starts
from the basis of total depravity, and
proposes to be fiendish to the last.
-Colored men engaged in picking
aattn,, ,I.Ln On IN, q in ON Saturday 70