St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1878-07-05
Squibs.
A Burlington Hawkeye Ballad.

And the apples that come when the blooms were
Which the worms and the children ate9
oh, don't remember how it struck the worms,
dear Maud,
But mind just how awfully felt
When they carried me home, in a bow-not, Maud,
With peck of apples under my belt.
Oh, don't yen remember the meadow lot, Maud,
And the brooklet that rippled from the spring.
Where the buttercups cleaned in the clover Maud,
And we listened to the meadow larks sing9
Oh, I've strolled down there in manhOod's days,
But got up and busted when found
That I'd sat right down where some bumblebees
Maud,
We're just coming out of the ground
Oh don't you remember the hillside, Maud
When we hunted for the brown thrush's eggs,
And the little red ants by the million, Maud
Used to crawl up fellows trowser legsY
L could talk of the happy old times, dear Maud,
From now till the middle of November,
But man of my age can forget you bet
A blamed sight more than he'll remember.
A Bath, Maine, minister officiated at
the funeral of former lady member of
his church, and prayed earnestly in be-
half of ''the bereaved husband and the
one to come who shall fiji the place
made vacant by the death of our de-
ceased sister,"
Delightful task: To rear the tender Thought
To teach the young idea how to shoot;
Then at the funeral, with feelings goaded,
He weeps, and says ST d-hidn't know twas
lhoaded ''-Graphic.
1t seems a little singular that an
antl-profanity, telescope, self-adjusting
stove-pipe was invented within three
weeks after Edison filed the caveat for
his vOice-pickling machine.-Er.
The sisters Smith, of Glastonbury,
whose COW was sold because they re-
fused to pay tax unless they were per-
mitted to vote, have got part of their
original translation of the New Testa-
ment printed. Here is verse of it:
'Friend, how camest thou in hither, not
having garment of the nuptial feast
And he was muzZled."
A herculean Yankee, from the lum-
Der districts of Maine, on paying his
bill in a London restaurant, was in
formed that the amount paid didn't in
clude the waiter. oval" he roared,
"what eff it don't l didn't eat any
waiter, did l ?" And he glared at the
attendants so ferociously that they
precipitately left him to GO his way in
peace.
Daniel Webster once good naturedly
wrote letter for an ignorant servant,
and when he asked him, els there any,
thing else you wish me to say, Mike 2"
the man scratched his head and finally
said eyes, if you please. Just say
they must excuse the poor scholarship
and want of sense the letter shows -
and ''the god-like Daniel" accepted the
suggestion.
1t is one of the peculiarities of the
child of Indiana that one of his earliest
developments is genius for finance.
At Lafayette, recently, gentleman
who teaches class in sunday school,
by way of illustrating certain point,
took from his pocket new silver dol
lar, and asked, ''What is this 2"
A little fellow responded, "Ninety-
two cents"
This was not exactly apropos, so the
teacher went on: "What is the motto
on it ~
''In God we trust" responded an
other young numismatist.
"What do we trust Him for 7" con-
tinued the teacher.
"For the other eight cents" replied
the first little financier, and that ended
the dialogue.
"Can you cure my eyes 2" said a man
to the late DR.. Brown, of Jefferson Co.,
New York. eyes," said the doctor, ''if
you will follow my prescription" so
certainly, DOCTOR" said the alarmed
patient, "I will do anything to have my
eyes cured. What is your remedy, doc
tor ?" "YOu must steal horse,n said
the doctor, very soberly. ''Steal a
horse, doctor 2" said the man in amaze
ment, chow will that cure my eyes ?n
"YOu would be sent to state prison for
five years, where you could not get any
whiskey, and during your incarceration
your eyes would get WE'LL" said the
doctor. The patient looked somewhat
credulous, but he did not adopt the
doctors remedy.
A PUzzLE.-Suppose man and a
girl were married, and-which is, of
course impossible,-that at the time of
: the hymenial contract the man was
thirtyfve years old and the girl five,
which makes the man seven times as
old as the girl. They live together un-
til the girl is ten years old ; this makes
him forty years old, and four times as
old as the girl; they live until she is
fifteen, the man being forty five, this
makes the man three times as old they
still live until she is thirty years old
this makes the man sixty, only twice as
old. And now, as we have not time tC
work it out, perhaps some one will be
good enough to tell us how long they
would have to live to make the girl as
old as the man.
HJenny, what makes you such bad
, chIld !" "Well, mamma, God sent yor
just the best children he could find, anG
if they don't suit you, can't help it."
A small paper in Pennsylvania ha.
all the advantages that an imposing
name can bestow. 1t is called "Tht
, Pennsylvania Record and Shoemaker
town Advertiser and Jenkingtewn Pes
tle." 1t is published in Shoemakertown
Pennsylvania, and the space that is no
} occupied by the name, is filed will
choice literature.
, Rev. Jasper has two crushing ques
tlons: eff de sun do not move, VIII,
do Joshua command it to STAN still q
I he inquiries; and then he sits down an,
: says, "Fll wait sixty year for you to re
spondlcate to datw And when tn
! next astronomer comes along, he ex
claims, eff de earth bean't ronn', hoy
does de anjils STAN 'pon de foah cav
ners Y" And then he smiles contemptu
! ously and winks one eye in a slow an,
eloquent manner.
T. Il, Barnum is said to have remem
beied l24 editors in his will. Wed lik
, our giraffe now, before Barnum dies
, Free Press. We don't expect to ore