Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1878-10-30
Natural History---The PhilanthrOpist.
Detroit Free Press.


"What is this, kind teacher?
"This, dear boy, is a modern philan-
thropist. Take a good look at him, for
he isn't long for this world
Does he inhabit this country ?"
"He does, and perhaps all others,
though it is IN America that he gets
his full growth, and is oftenest heard
Of" ...
Gle seems fat and healthy"
eyes, so he is. That's one of the
chief characteristics of the plilanthro-
pist-,other people may get lean, but he
keeps fat on his ribs" ~.
"What is his disposition-ugly ?" 81 tr
"No, very kind and amiable, as a rule.
He'd crawl under a fence rather than
climb over it and injure the top rail.
He sympathizes with the unfortunate,
sheds tears with the bereaved, and never
meets ragged boy without predicting
that the lad will some day become fore
man Of. q fire company, and from
thence to president of the United
States"
EDO they go in droves? ?" '"
!"No; the philanthropist flourishes best
alone, like a quack doctor. Two of
them couldn't hold partnership for a
week.
"What is his principal food ?"
''He lives mostly on theories"
Shame some of them" .".
His first theory is the ameioration
of the condition of man. He has an,
idea that every one but himself needs
reforming and lifting up, and he bites
off great hunks Of this theory and gulps
them down without chewing His next
theory is the condition of the poor. If
he is rich himSeifhe is certain to believe
that all crimes and ideas of crime orig
mate with the poor. He is continually
wishing to found big homes for poor
children, where they could be more
Systematically pounded and starved
and made to feel their nothingness.
He'd like to see half the surface of the
earth covered with asylums, hospitals,
free boarding-houses, and so forth, and
the other half with sheets of foolscap
paper covered with his pet theories"
lis he successful animalY'
"ln some respects. Many a family
has starved to death, with the greatest
success, while living in the shadow Of a
phllanthropist's residence" "a n..
SIS he very strong?"
eyes, in his voice, bot if required to
roll a barrel of flour, paid for by him
self, across the street, to poor widow.
he'd break down before he started" r..
care his habits nocturnal?"
"Not particularly 50. He may be met
at MONDAY, shedding tears over the
condition of the African heather, while
his own son is around the corner steal
ing apples, Or he can be seen in the
evening figuring the cost Of an asylum
for cross-eyed CATS "''
''And he is not regarded as a useful
animal?" j, ,Ds. ..ra 49,.
''No, except in some few particulars.
He has taught us by his failures that if
a man wants monument he. must
leave money to build it, and if the
wicked are to be reformed men must
go to them and take them by the
hand" "s-.. g. aEsb II +"
Then the philantnropist is not TO
bust animal ?"
mo, he is not what he seems. Take
his CAB and his theories away and his
ribs would fall in. One by one he is
passing away. They are found dead al
most daily, and the funeral services are
short. It won't be many years before
the man who drops two cents into a
poor boys hat Will neither get a fifty
dollarfnewwpaper puff nor be called a
phllanthropist.oi e. -f aO@ss-.y.