The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1878-06-07

The Chicago Journal says Mr.. Beech
er continues to lecture about 'The
Waists and Burdens of Society,"
We have moved into our new Office.
and are killing cockroaches, book
agents and loafers on sight. Loafers
are our faVorite G ame.-Derrick.
1t is said that President Hayes had
his belief in the Bible shaken little
when he was informed that it was not
written by an Ohio man.-Hawke-E Eye.
A Norristown fisherman on Friday
last caught twenty-seven trout, some
of them. he says, weighing over TWO
pounds apiece. He would have caught
more, but he is not very good liar
Norristown Herald.
Before Boston goes entirely crazy
over that female barber, she ought to
pause little between beans and rumi-
nate upon the trouble Samson got into
by letting q woman cut his hair.-Cin-
cinnati Breakfast Table.
A fop took seat in a railroad car
beside young lady, but on perceiVing
she had a dog he moved off with an air
of trepidation. Don't be afraid, she
said, with q reassuring tone, Jim
won't bite you-he doesn't like veal.'
The Hawk-Eye fears that Kelly is
unkind to his family. At least, the
other day one of the neighbors found
Mrs. Keely weeping, and, on asking
what appeared to be the trouble with
her she said that 'Keely smote her.
A poor woman coming from q
wretched garnet in an inland manu-
featuring town, for the first time to
see the seashore, gazing at the ocean,
said she was glad once in her life to
see something which there was enough
of.
A Florida negro misteok a mule for
a ghost and poked it with stick. The
verdict recited that he came to his
death by using too short a stick in
probing the unknowable for evidence
of a future observation-disclosures
Press.
The winter past has not been entire
ly deYOid of good results. Owing to
the absence of sleighiDg and the conse-
quent dearth of impromptu balls in the
neighbOring villages, the young la
dies prayer meeting has maintained its
organization intact during the season.
-BroOkville Democrat.
A lady with fatal squint came once
to q fashionable artist for a portrait.
He looked at her and she looked at
him, and both were embarrassed. He
spoke first. would yonr ladyship
permit me- he said, 'to take the por-
trait in profile? There is such shy
ness about one of your ladyship's eyes
which is as difficult in art as it Is fas-
cinating in nature
A gentleman in this city wishing to
hire a man to work for Kim asked him
some questions regarding himself, and
among others asked him if he was
married. He answered NO, but have
lived with a woman for fifteen years..
EWhat, lIYed with a woman and not
married to her?' 'Wfn, sor, We
wouldn't have me marry my mother,
would yep He was hired.
An individual suffering from dys-
pepsia, calls at a physicians house,
during his consultation hour. The
practitioner examines him and de-
clares: Il see how it is; you need a
good deal of exercise, but perhaps your
business does not leave you time
What is your occupation p Il have
been letter-carrier for twenty five
years.
Soon the maiden and her lover
Will rub noses DER the gate;
And for flies the lodger skirmish
In the hash upon his plate.
During the Crimean war, a Turk
while at his noon prayer one day. was
kicked and told to get out of the way
by an English soldier. He paid no at
tention to the insult until his PRAYER
was finished, when he offered to fight
the Englishman. Johnny Bull think
ing he had soft Turk, Squared him.
self, but received a most severe thump-
ing, and, as he cried thold, enough,
yoa can imagine his CONSERVATION
when the victorious worshiper ex-
claimed, Now, MKT time We insult 8
Turk, be sure he's not from Kilkenny. I
In a recent trial at Winchester, Eng.
land, witness failing to make his yer.
sion of conversation Ineligible by
reason of his fondness for Says l. and
says he,' was taken in hand by Baron
Martin, with the following result: tMy
man, tell US now exactly what passed
Yes, my lord, I said would not have
the pig 'And what was his answer ?
He said he had been keeping it for me
and that he No, no; he coulC
not have said that; he spoke in the
| first person. NO, my lord, was the
first person that spoke.' Il mean
don't bring in the third person; repeal
his exact Words There was no thirC
person, my lord, only him and me.
My good fellow, he did not say he haG
been keeping the pig; he said, Il have
been keeping it, mo, my lord, there
was no mention of your lordship at all
We are on different stories. There wa.
no third person there, and it any.
thing had been said about your lord.
ship must have heard it,. The Baror
gave ln.-All the Year Round.