The Cambria freeman. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1867-1938, 1877-08-24
Mark ItC0in's --latest Joke.
HOW HE ORGANIZED A WEDDING AND FER
sUADED THE YOUNG MAN.

"A good story about Mark Twain is Just
| beginning TO leak out here. Some lime
ago lie went ON n visit to Elmira, New
York, leaving his quaint house among the
| trees on Pennington avenue in charge of
| his servants. Nearly .wo weeks ago an
| item was published in the Hartford daily
| papers chroniclIng an Intellectual attempt
To rob tile humorist's residence. The sro-
| ny was shat a man presented himself at the
| door one day, saying that lie had been
| sent by the gas company TO INSPECT the
| meier and pipes. The servants. Nho had
not the slightest suspicion, allowed ihe
| Stranger 10 enter aud do as he pleased.
/ When lie supposed no one WAS wal ching
| his movements, he hid himself away in a
d.nk conner (of which there are many in
the ODD chalet, and waited FOR darkness.
| But ihe giIl who had watched his move
! mcnts, went and procured assistance, and
| had the intruder bounced without cere-
| mony. When Mr.. Clemens heard the
s'OIy in Elmira, he thought he smclleG a
vcIy large rat, and hasteued 10 Uatfold
| with the purpose Of feueting il out. His
| theory was that one of the servant girls
must have had a beau. who was admit ed
| 10 the house at unusual hours, aud that.
| being Lht in ,he act, this means of
! coucealing the real truth of the case was
! adup:cd. With all the sagacity of an eX-
| journalist lie followed his clue but could
| u
But while pursuing his investigation he
learned that one of the girls who had been
| member of his family long time was
| really guilty of having male admiIer,
! who occasionally shared the hospitality of
! his house, unknown to the proprietor.
| She was buXum English girl, with
! handsome form and u bright, cheerful
.face. Faithful in The performance of her
! duties. and always solicitouS for the best
| interest Of the family, she had made her
! self almost invaluable to the household.
| The high esteem in which Mr.. Clemens
| had always held her no doubt influenced
his course. He was sorry 10 part with tle
| girl who had served him well. but. seeing
no other alteInatively, quickly matnrcd -
| plan that should 'let her down easy"
| After long hunt he succeeded ia diScov-
ering the young fellows name. NLen
! that was gained. Mr.. Clemens went down
town and procured a marriage certificate.
! Returning, he stopped at the residence of
the Rev. Mr.. Twitchell, pastor of the Asy-
| lum- Church, and took him into his car
/ riuge. Arrived home, the first thing done
was to send for the young mar, who soon
! appeared some what frightened at the sum
mons. From his dress and general appear
| ance of decay, it was evident that his cir
| cumstanccs were not those of violent pros
| perity. When he was brought in Mark
! braced mp and tried to look digniiied.
! This was about the dialogue that ensued
Mark. So, young man, you have
| been in the habit OF making hotel of my
hcuSe-wth all the modern improvement $.
| [SiIeLce unbIoken by the young man
| Well, as you don't offer any objections,
we'll take that part of the matter for
| granted. If your Offense had stopped at
that pOin: it would have been all right. |
am always glad to entertain company
yes. If you had mentioned it | would have
had the house refuInished for you. All
that and more, / would have done gladly
| for IA guest. But when you dignity and
pathOS] when you ALLEVIATE the affections of
| Maria Jane. when you descend upon this
peaceful fold with base des1gns-hke a
wolf in Sleeps clothing, as il were-that
! | cannot forgive
y. M.-(with humilitv) eff you please,
sir, | amt got no Sleeps clothing"
Mark examining the fabric of the youn g
mars coat. All, | perceive my error; i,
| is cotton. not wool However. was speak
ing metaI'horically. As | minated be-
| foIe, | Cannot endure the thought of hav-
| ing my home. which, until your foil pres
| euce, lad been the abode Of innocence,
turned into a kennel of wrong doing.
| When you sought that end, you not only
! wounded me mortaliy, but you aroused my
| wrath and, young man, when I'm mad,
| I'm a bad crowd. In the first throes of nay
! arrested for murder in the first degree or
| At this point the young man showed
| symptoms of terror.
! But continued Mark, "it suddenly
| occurred to me that Il certain PENNSYLVANIA
| Judge-Joe Bradley; | beiieve-once ruled
| that in case of arson, jhc fellow must mar
~ the Girl aud so ! concluded that you
| must answer the crime of alson-in %; her
words you must get hitched to Maria
Jane
Apparently, Marks victim was relieved.
but lie was still doubtful. He said IF
/ You please sir, I'd be glad to marry Maria,
but couldn't support her. | ain GOT no
money. and | can't get no work. mean
10 marry her sometime, sir; honest and
| true, ! do"
MaIk-That's altoge'h her TOO thin, young
man. Ynu marry Maria right here and
now, or mp you go for arson.
! Y. M--Weil sir, if it comes TO that, cI
course I'll marry her.
Mark. That's the kind Of talk I like
Here, Twitchell Maria Jane Come here !
Aud the two people named. followed by
the other servant, entered the room the
| marriage ceremony was performed, and
, Mark aud he second gill signed the ceriii-
cate as witnesses. After hat Mark paid
the minister, gave the couple 500 i'm cash,
and set them adrift with an injunction
which. 10y the way, he asctihed to ilrylc-
to .'go and sin no more. .'-B9ston Herald
SAVED Bv CATS. In the year 1888, 4 meT-
chant who resided at Mes>ina had two Ia
vorite cats, and their manner previous to
an earthquake saved his life.
Before the shock occurred. these ami
mails we're endcavorin" to work their way
through the floor; their master observing Z
their fiuitiess iabors, opened the door for
them.
At second ard third :iaOr they repeated
their efforts and ou being completely set III
liberty they ran straight along the street
and out of the ga of the town.
The merchant, whose curiosity was cX-
cited by this strange conduct. followed tl,t
| animals ont of the town into the fields, aud
there saw them hurriedly scratching ano
burrowing in the earth.
f Soon after there was a violent shock .
: an earthunake. and many of the houses II