The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1877-10-13
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

lltSS, llltt Cuii hct'hup WIN '''N '
It is now announced that Bob Ingersoll believe
in baptizng children provided you put a littl
soap in the water.
The Whitehall Times innocently risks the stale
ment that "the tune the old COW died OF, mus
have been written in beeftat"
A man who goes to the seashorc now for rhcm
matism stands good chance OF getting l'-N
o. Picdya8e
Hittie Maginn is young woman in Omaha
and the Boston Ad,atiser thinks she must DC
dangerous to the young men. Not if she strikes
them fayorably.
The Richmond Enquirer says ga strcct-cai
driver who wears button hole bouquet has nc
more influence with mule than an ordinary
mortal"
mule struck on Saturday on the Erie tow
path. They have found a cap and one Sn'pendcr
button that belonged to the driver
An intoxicated passenger ON Virginia rail
road showed his total abstinence pledge when
asked for ticket. The conductor punched 'hc
pledge, and wrote on it :" One Drunk
And now, the Rochester convention having ad-
iourned, the Hayes organs have begun to sing ::
There was little senator, he had It little curl,
And ii hung right down on his forehead;
And when lie was good he was very, very good,
But when he was bad he was horfld.
Darwin saws he has seen woman's feet blush
If that should happen in Louisville all the pa
pers next morning would be talking about the
aurora bOrcalis.-ILi'S,
II YOU cut your finger on piece of shect-iroh
the chances are even that you Will face GrIm
death Let your wife put up the stovcs.-D'tfo'
Free Press.
That's hdartlcss story the Mendoza papers are
telling ON Loosh Crookcr-that after several
hours hard labor and copious pcrspiration he cut
a ''bce tree" and found in it only hornets nest!
Doubtless a SANDER. Loosl had probably freed
II coon.
Lydia Thompson has purchased two yards Of
MOSQUITO netting, She has III girls III licf troop
That's all.--DGroH Fire. Press
And now let us be thankful for the first FROST
The busy housewife mops the tears
OF ioy that ill her streaming eyes,
And saws in tones that show her fears,
"Iast night was death on summer flies
A sharp saloonst recently threw away note
that had several endorsements on the back, be-
cause it was written ON both sides Of the pa
per"
Now come the days when the sturdy farmer
dumps 4 load Of dirt into some mud hole in the
highway ycls, "liaw, Buck" Mt his on OK
pricks the nigh one with bradawl, and goes
home under the impression that he has worked
out his road tax
Last month the citizens of Atlanta, Georgia,
were without water for Ave days. 1t didn't seem
to hurt EN- much, but the local temperance as
sociations went into bankruptcy.
There is probably no piece of wood that can be
brought up TO such degree Of polish AS the sol
itary cracker barrel cover in a grocery bar 1t
would almost make n reflector for hanging
lamp.
All great poets are more or less inspired. John
Milton evidently had a prophetic glimpse OF
Hayes when he sung, in Paradise Lost Book " :;
"The happier state
In office which follows dignity, might draw
Envy from each inferior, but who here
viii envy, whom the highest place exposes
Foremost to stand anil bear on brd7en front
The stamp Of FRAUD"
Puns, strictly such, are objectionable, but are
sometimes allowable when very bad. Under that
rule we let the following pass:
Cincinnati objects to being called Porkopolis.
Swine not?-N. Y. HeyHW PigcaVsc NORRIS
torn HauM Hogo'way -Hd,nk5G Don't shoat
emper- Boston Post. ham! don't be sausage
-Bosfon Tranler. This is too bad, SOW It's
Tripe -pumng on some other city-Chic-hoS-o
for instanc. Rooster again.
An exchange mourns because II splendid item
about a man being kicked all TO pieces by a
horse was utterly spoiled by the carecssncss OF the
man himself who climbed into the hay-mow and
stayed there until the horse quit kicking, And
yet cold world may blame the reporter.
The Yonkcrs u. " Gaztte is foolish enough to
imagine it can make poetry equal TO that of q.
W. Chids, and thus signally fails
She went the path that death hath swept
So oft with scythc historic,
Her ghost took out as She took IN
quart of paregoric;
But, bless her soul, she proved herself
Possessed Of all her senses,
BY leaving coin enough to pay
Her funeral expenses
Here is another mean imitation Of the style Of
the great Philadelphia elegiac poet. 1t is copied
bya y. Y. SIN reporter from an album AT New.
port;
When hadn't ought:
III loathe IL now, and love
Our neighbor's daughter.
Gone TO see the parson
Our Mick saws, the ponderiierability Of the
brain is permeatingly magniloqnent. Lost in adj
miration the nearer experiences categorical
ness Of sublimiy surprising In brllllance The
ethereal Righteousness Of space. M-m-m!-Lo
SaHs Pres.
'Micll " seems to have caught the bentoniar
style Of the S,r.Gtu5 Soak hi, head in strong
brine aud dry It before Il hot fire. II that don
harden his skull the best that can be done 70
the miserable wretch Is to shoot him.
The New York World has been. studying tn
mysteries Of Chicago hrlaneering, and arrives a
the following result:
The modus uperandi Of becoming the owner q
Chicago savings bank Is a. follows: You Civ
the bank your check for say sij0000 and receiv
$4,000 worth Of stock; then you hypOthecat
the stock to the bank for a loan of $4,000 ant
take up your check Herewith. Il one of the sim
plcst and neatcst Of financial operations am
some of the eastern insurance managers have re