The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1877-08-09
SENSE AND NONSENSE.

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H1an-L1v1xa isn't killing of many peo-
pie nowadays.
BONNETs arc smaller than at the begin
ming of the season.
In the coolly busincss-the ice man.
B. sson Transcript.
A NEW HAMPSHIRE husband weighs
874 pounds more than his wife.
AN undertaken returns the cause of a
death in Cape Elizabeth, Me-, as an
"ulster on the stumick."
TRAMrs can hardly be called shift-less
beings, after all, for they shift more than
any other class that can be named.
A NAN is known by the umbrella he
keeps-and SO few men manage to keep
umbrellas that we are nearly all strangers.
SONG of the surgeons victim: "How
happy could be with ether!" Speak
ing of Ann s. Thetics and Chloe Reform:
A GIRL of metal: One with sileery
voice, golden hair, brass in her face, and
tin in her pocket, being lead to the altar.
SAY, Jim, if five and half yards
make perch, how many will make q
pickerely" "You just tell me, first, if
two hogsheads make pipe, how many
will make meerschaum ?"
A West HILL man named Rodolph
khanew was arrested last night for slap
ping his wife. We suppose he thought
man had right to paddle his own Kha-
new.-Burlingto Hasok-Eye.
The American after-dinner orator in
England will soon be enabled to say:
speaking in the same language, glory
ing in the same literature, of the same
blood, and subject to the same potato
bug" etc.
THE paper collar business isn't on the
wane, but so fiat that the biggest manu.
facturers now get along with a lame girl,
an old maid and widow who writes
poetry after working hours are over.-De-
troit Free Press.
We read that Mars will, on Sept. 8,
be only b, OOO, 200 miles from the earth"
How to prevent collision on that day
between Mars and the shirt collar is the
problem now agitating Richmond philoso-
phers.-Richmond Enquirer.
A HARRISBURG fowl fancier gives this
experience: When woman makes up her
mind that hen shall not sit, and the hen
makes up her mind that she will, the ir-
resistible meets the immovable, and every
law of Nature is broken or perverted.
1.-THE Balkan passes" says the Chicago
Inter Ocean, introducing an article on the
Eastern question. The next step, prob
ably, will he for Roumania to 'sOrtler it
up" unless Russia should decide mean
while to "play it alone. "-Detr0it Free
Press.
A MISS BUCHANAN, once rallying .
brave soldier on his courage, said: s'Now,
Captain -, do you really mean to tell
me you can walk up to lannon's mouth
without tear?" Yes" was the prompt
reply, "or Buchanan's either.' And
MOHAMMED never shaved, so he never
knew the ccstacy of cutting off the top of
pimple that had a main artery running
through it, seven minutes before church
time and not a bit of court-plaster nearer
than the tarthest drug burlington
Hasok- Eye.
HOBART PAsHA, the commander of the
Turkish fleet in the Black Sea, is an En-
glishman; and when he gives directions
for an attack on Russian town with
name containing four or five chs"
three times out of five his men 90 off and
lombard the wrong town.-N. Y. Weeklv.
A YOUNG man in Lower Gold Hill
visited his sweetheart, and when he left
stole the dog of the house and got half q
dollar for the brute at Marshal McCleery's
canine asylum. A man cannot afford to
spend his time for nothing these hard
times, not even when courting.-GoldH HILL
Nesos.
"GOT all kinds of ties here?' said a
would-be wit, entering a well-known
furnishing store Eyes, SIR" replied the
shopman. "Well, l should like pig
sty," remarked the customer. "Ail
right, sir; just bend down your hogshead
and we will take your measure" said the
ready shopman.
The famous "horse- caire'' poetry has
been revived with the introduction of the
new barkeepers' punch in Virginia. Puck
is responsible for it:
Punch punch, o Barkeepare!
Punch in the presence of the gay drinkare;
bell punch for a yOaI g loafare;
two bell punch for u Zig bummare;
three bell punch for an old soakare;
Punch. brothers, punch with care,
Punch for the apparatus -inspectare.
THE non-sequitur is thus feelingiy dis
played in the postal card letter of q wife
to her absent husband: 81 ana most sick,
baby is under the Doctors care, and James
and the other children have the measles.
All the women are wearing back combs,
and don't forget to write often. We all
send love, and our house almost got on
fire last night.-Jane. "-Harper's Aaga-
sine.
In attempting to carve fowl one day a
gentleman found considerable difficulty
in separating its joints, and exclaimed
against the man WHO had sold him an old
hen for young chicken. MY DEAR"
said the enraged mans wife, "dOn't talk
so much about the aged and resp ctable
Mr.. B. he planted the first hill of corn
that was planted in our town." ~ know
that" said the husband. "and / believe
this hen scratched it up"
THE Golden State is far ahead of the
East in many matters of modern improve
ments. The difficulty which strangers
find in securing entrance into the high
toned circles of the Atlantic cities is alto
gether obviated in California, as the fol-
lowing advertisement from the San Fran
cisco Chr"nicle will show:
NO MORE FLIRTING GENTrEMEN-Send
81 and receive by return mail written intrOduc.
ti0ns to ladies' in this city. Ladies: send your adj
dress free. Communications strictly confidential.
THERE is a great deal of selfishness
about some people. A man in Bangor,
Me-, attracted attention, while purchasing
tobacco, by saying that the brand did not
matter; he would just as soon have poor
sample as the genuine article. 1t turned
out that he was not buying for himself,
but for his son, seven years old, who had
only been smoker for two years; and of
course the man felt justified in passing off
any sort of stuff on the infant, because he
had not yet acquired taste for the real
Havana.-DetrOit FIRES Press.
Mah0met's Marriage.
MAHOMET had inherited the rare per.
s0nal attractions of Abdullah and Amina
(his parents). He was tall, graceful and