The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Stroudsburg, Pa.) 1853-1911, 1877-01-04
Smiler'S Health-Lift.

They are in the midst of big lawsuit
in neishboring village between DR.. Smiler
aud the rest of the population of the town.
The doctor, it seems, had large tank
placed on the top of his house from which
to supply his bathroom, and so forth, with
water. The water had to be pumped up
about fifty feet from the cistern in the yard,
and the doctor found it to be pretty good
sized job, which would cause him constant
expense. So after thinking the matter
over very carefully one day an idea struck
him. He built room over the cistern
and put the word "Sanitarium' over the
door. Then he concealed the pump
machinery beneath the floor and he rugged
up kind of complicated apparatus with
handles and hinges and crank, so that
man by standing in the middle of the
machine and pulling the handle up and
down would operate the pump.
Then the doctor got out circulars and
published advertisements about "Smiler's
Patent Health Lift, and he secured testi-
monials from thousand or so people who
agreed that the Health-Lift was the only
hope for the physical salvation of the
human race. Pretty soon people began to
call to see about it, and Smier would rush
| them out to the "Sanitarium' and set them
to jerking the handles. And when a
customer had pumped up fifty gallons OF
SO, Smiler would charge him quarter, and
tell him that three months of that kind of
thing would give him muscles like prize
fighter.
He would push the project among his
patients. IF man was bilious, or had the
toothache, or was afflicted with rheumatism,
or Group, or yellow fever, or cholera morbus,
Smller would turn him at the Health Lift
and get quarter each time. The thing
became SO popular that he had to enlarge
his tauk and put in smaller pump and
he not only got all his pumping done for
nothing, but the people who did it paid him
about $500 a year for the privilege 1t
began to look like an uucommonly soft
thing, and everybody was contented and
happy.
One day however, old Mr. Maginnis,
who had been practicing at the Health Lift
every day for months in order to cure him
self of Indigestion, iammed the handles
down a little too hard, and broke the board
upon which he was standing. As the board
gave way it plunged Mr. Maginns into the
cistern, and just as he was sinking for the
third time Smiler fshed him out with a
crooked nail in the end of y clothes prop
AS soon the water was drained out of him
Maginnis said
Il didn't know you had cistern under
that floor. What did you do that for ?'
"Why, to keep the air moist 1t is
healthier than dry all"
'1t looked to me as if there was some
kind Of Il pump under there"
"Oh no." said Smiler, ''those are only
the levers of the Lift"
Mighty queer" said Maginnis thought
fully. ''lf that isn't pump then don't
know one when see it,"
So few days later Maginnis came
around with lot of other patients, and
found the doctor out. They determined
to investigate. They pulled up couple
OF boards, and ascertained the facts about
the pump. Then they cross-examined
Smiler 5 servant-girl, and learned about
the truth, and then they went home mad.
A consultation was held, at which every
bilious and rheumatic individual who had
been working the doctors pump used
violent language, and talked about murder
and sudden death. Finally they resolved
to prosecute Smiler for damages and for
obtaining money under false pretences. 1t
is thought by good judges that by the time
the court gets through with Smiler that
will be about the un healthiest Lift for him
he was ever interested in-IUaE Alder