The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1877-12-06
Ths sarsabers Again on tts More.
Lctpa5pp..l Br..lzf... r.bh.l

The Sarsapers Again on tie Move.
LCincinnad Breakfast Tabls.I
Sarsaper has sent his wife out house
hunting again. The Elysium up on
CIinton-street proved a delusive myth,
and the furniture cars viii be at their
door again before the moon gets like
young DebOnaire was last night. For
one brief, short, feeting week, the
Sarsapers almost thought they had
secured the lodgings vacated by our first
parents, but at the end of that time the
serpent of discomfort came in and /
craWled all over their sanguine anticipa-
tiOns The family next door came home |
and in less than fifteen minutes the /
Sarsapers thought they had brought all 4
the animals from the Geological Garden |
along with them, and had borrowed .
fifteen or twenty new species OF wildcat /
on the way. There were only SIX OF |
them in the family, but no other 5lE (
hundred could have made more noise |
without heavy reinfOrcements. Had |
they been in JoshUa's army the whole |
sale destruction Of crOckery would have |
been unnecessary, tor no wall, short OF !
solid wrought iron, could have held out
three days. Their voices were as full 1
of discOrd as a wOrkingmen's sCOnvenlon,
and their hands were always full Of hair
or something to throw at each other.
The old woman had a tongue too big Tor
her mouth and a voice like two cats
fighting in a barrel, and her oldest
daughters was like unto it, with the
addition of two more cats and pack OF
shooting crackers under full sail. Inc
Youngest girl possessed larynX that
threw out a sound as thin as a pun and
| long as telegraph wire with the velocity
of light, and more penetrating than
CAYENNE. The oldest boy had voice
nine sizes too big for him, and when he
ODened his mouth a noise came out big
| enough to ballast a steamboat. Inc
/ wind instruments of the other two boys
| emitted tones which at one minute Sar-
saper was ready to swear was a keg OF
/ shingle nails rolling down the roof, and
! the next he would have mOrtgaged the
piano to bet was a sheet-irOn dragon
running away with a bell-metal baby
fed on shot, closely pursued by scrap
/ iron woman vigorously bOmbardlng
with a solid steel breOmhandle.
In less than twenty-fOUr hours after
the return of the piOus family SarsaPer
was two-thirds crazy, tearing his halr
| and cOnversing like a sailor, while MS
wife was doing her best with aHeCtOnate
! care to NOW way a bunch of cotton bat
ting in his ears. But the trst Sunday
/ afterward was what made the man more
/ than wish his great grandfather had
been killed in bOyhOOd by the bloody
! Britishers. He couldn't sit down peace
| abIv To read the BREAKFAST TABLE,
/ without bounding to his feet every three
| minutes, under the impression that the
house was either falling down or that a
water main had exploded and blown
passing tinWare wagon two miles high,
/ and that it was lust getting back to see
about it. He had his wife encourage
the cotton in his aural cavities to stand
| firm by winding several strips torn from
/ an old sheet tightly about his head, and
| then he sat down and tried to write a
letter to his brother Jake in GAINESVILLE,
but it got so full of expressions widely
/ different from those prompted by broth
erlv affection and good feeliI 6 that a
hostage stamp would have changed color
to be found in their company, So he
couldn't send it, and after spelling all
the Daper in the house, he went down IN
the cellar and thought about teamster
he used to know in the army who could
! swear with such earnestness as to per
/ suade four little rats of mules to pull
a load I'D the side of a West Virginia
mountain that no ten horses could have
taken I'D to the Lookout House. This
was something of a comfort to him, but
| tears gathered in his eyes when he came
to remember that the gifted Jehu had
been killed by bUshWhaCker while IN
the discharge of his duty, though the
muIe with which he was eXpOstulatIng
at the time did not long survive him,
but whether from grief at the loss OF It's
master. or a caYed-in skull Safsaper
wasn't quite sure.
Matters continued to grow a little
worse every day. AS the noisy family
became used to the presence Of the new
neighbors they gained confidence and
came out strong. The hrststreak OF dawn
found their tongues in motion, and
when they fairly got started so much
! momentum was acquired as to keep them
wagging until away along toward the
! small hours, much to the discomfort of
/ the Sarsapers, who retired early. Nor
was this all. At the most unreasonable
hours of the night Sarsaper was bounced
out of bed with noises which at lrst he
Thought were laden with death and
destruction, but after falling down over
everything in the room and getting
/ fairly awake he could make out the
/ cavernous tones of the old woman bless
| ing the biggest boy for having squandered
/ five cents for Chestnuts, when the win
ter's coal had not been laid in, or some
other similar domestic topic which the
| family had forgotten to discuss before
going to bed.
] Amelia's young man, too, suffered so
/ much from the continued uprOar that ne
/ was forced to almost break her heart by
/ telling her that he couldn't call on her
| anv more Oftener than once week while
thew remained in that house, and even
| then the visits must be brief. His con
stitution wasnot tOneOf the strongest, and
! if the dull. monotone of a fiddle would
break an iron bridge, he felt that ne
couldn't long come within reach OF that
| Grazing clatter and live.
| And then Mrs. Sarsaper's aUnt-an
old lady from Louisville, from whom
| they had great expectations paid them
short visit and went back home so
nearly dead from loss of sleep that all
hope of a legacy from that quarter
scattered with more raPidity than public
funds. And so, to prevent other evils
which they knew not of, but which were
moderately certain to come bObbIng
along, Sarsaper told his wife to hunt up
another house, and that too, within not
les than a mile Of that neighbOrhOOd-
ooh, Ye Tears"
Here is a story illustrative of the fact
that tears are a powerful weapon IN the
/ .t-Tr,c,So11vr inclined