The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1877-02-02
WHAT THE WITS SAY.

w Ao~@@ @AAsNs W e1 - ~S@1h
Queen Victoria.is not for war, although
the soldisry are. This shows that the
hairpin is mightier than the sword.-N. 7.
Herald.
The Springfield Republican says that
hogs are the sheet anchor of Western pros
perity. But we thought that corn was the
main sale.
The best way TO discourage boil is to
seek right slippery place on the pave
ment, and then, when the boil amt look
ing, come down ON it-fop.-Easton Free
Press. r" o
There is one thing that will keep the
United States religious country, 1t is
always believing in future state. The
band will please play the "Star Spangled
Banner. ."-HarGord Globe.
Waco (Tex.) Examiner :-Government
lands cost 81 per acre, and good whisky So
per bottle. How many men die landless
who during their lives have swallowed
whole townships-trees and all
"Pa," asked an up town boy, "what is
meant by Paradise ?'' Paradise, my son"
replied the father gloomily, "paradise is
the latter part of next summer, when your
mother goes on visit to your grandfather"
Noraoich Bulletin.
Norristown Herald :-"That prolific
writer, Mrs. Henry Wood, was sick last
week and unable to grind out her usual
novel. Unless she works overtime she
won't give her readers but fifty-one books
this year." '
The Rev. Joseph Cook rather unneces-
sarily asks, "What becomes of the wick
ed?" Mr.. Cook, we thought, had been in
New England long enough to know that
usually they practice law for while and
eventually 60 to the Legislature. e.-Norwich
| Bulletin.
"The honeysuckle stands No. on the
list of vines," says an horticultural friend.
On the same principle we suppose the Nv
stands No. 4.-N. 2. Com. Ado. Catlin
seems to XII in such such be-IX puns.-
Norr. Herald. He 2 of-1o. It's his At.
Whitehall Times.
When Cincinnati was in the full enjoy
| ment of her porcine triumph envious cities
spoke of her derisively and dubbed her as
"Swinesinnaughty." But now Chicago
leads the van as the city of pork (Porkop-
olis), and in opprobrious term is spoken Of
as " Cheekhogoh !"-Chtcago Journal.
A Wisconsin hen, few days ago, laid
an egg with the letter &C" on it but not
even Josh Billings can spell War with a
&C." The egg, according to our notion,
was intended for tho Centennial, but the
hen was bull-dozed, and consequently late
in getting in her returns. ns.-Norristoso Her.
AID.
Never tell woman that she has daub
of buckwheat batter alongside of her eye,
for, ten chances to one, she will give just
one little thud in her chair and tell you
that she doesn't intend to be nigger
wench and slave her life out over nasty
griddle - there, now !-Neao York Her.
ald
eyes," he said, as he mixed some. gin
and sugar, "life is a .conundrum. In
youth we believe in much that is false, and
in old age we doubt much that is trae. AS
a golden medium, young man, you may
charge that drink to me. My name is
August -" The barkeeper pensively
pitched an ice-pick at the spot where he
had stood, but he had folded himself like
an umbrella and scooted.-Rome Sentinel
A newspaper man in Kansas died very
suddenly last Tuesday, and to the surprise
of everybody it was discovered that he was
very wealthy. His only son inherits the
business, Washington press, coffee sack
full of type and nine cut-throat mortgages
and an execution on everything in the shop
and the three daughters get six dollars
apiece. It is feared that the deceased was
at one time pirate, or advance agent fol
a circus.-Hawkeye.
A bad, bad boy, out on South Hill, was
picked up by his mia the other night fol
some misdeed, and famed him with hel
slipper until he thought he was standing
right in the way of shoemaker's shoI
caught in cyclone. When he got away
at last he was told to sit down and learn.
verse in his bible before he could have &
bite of supper. And when he was callei
up to recite, he said, "The wicked!
tanned in slippery places. .''-Haa0keye.
| Napoleon Bonaparte perpetrated ont
outrage upon suffering humanity for which
his memory deserves to be execrated. W.
refer to the young man who imagines tina
he personally resembles the great General
This results in his eternally appearing il
tableaux, in which he stands with one foo
on sheet-covered packing-box, 6 felt ha
martlally flatened over greasy curl in thu
centre of his forehead and scowling will
folded arms at the awe-struck audience
all of which is supposed to convey livel.
idea of certain historical performance a
Moscow. On the public thoroughfares thi
fraud can always be distinguished by
lofty and mysterious demeanor, and
general expression indicative of convic
ton that the public is beholding dollar
and-a-half show for nothing.
Courier.
vanderbilt's Fortune.
i DR.. Linsly, Commodore Vanderbilt