Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1877-03-02
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PLEASANT PRACTICE.-Mr. L., the
famous s~cene-painter, had a fancy that he
could cure all diseases, and accordingly
prescribed literally for his friends and
others willing to fall under his hands.
A person of great faith applied to him
to prescribe for a very bad cold, and
Us ADVICE was.
ssDo you see, sir, can you like to drink
bran-tea?"
"Brandy,' replied the patient, nothing
10th to find so palatable a medicine limited,
as he imagined. "Certainly I have no OBJ
lection to it whatever"
"Vy, then," said L, "bran tea is the
very thing for you. Take tree, four-ess,
four-coaps of it as hot as you can scoop
good big teacoaps-just afte- breakfast"
''What, sir?" asked the patient rather
amazed. "Without water?"
"Vid out water,'' said l., what do
you mean? No more water dan ish in, the
bran-tea ven made. Take it as you get it.
Take four large, very large coaps between
breakfast and dinner; and ven you find a
change for better OF worse, come to me-
The faith OF the patient was great, and
so was his swallow. For five days he stuck
to what he thought was the prescription of
the painter-was, OF course, drunk all day.
At the conclusion Of his exertions in this
wa he came TO l., full Of gratitude for
his advice.
II am quite cured, Mr.. l." said he.
I never imagined brandy was so complete
a cure; I feel quite obliged"
sOh, yes,'' said Mr.. l., 81 was sure
it would cure you-you felt quite cool all
the time you was drinking IT,"
"Cool p said the patient; mo, not exactly
COOL was rather hot. POUNDS, no mai
can drink a quart of spirits in the fore
noon and keep COOL"
ssSpirits u said Mr.. L., rather as
tonished; ivy, dere is no spirit in tea made
of bran, sure"
"'Tea made of bran?'' said his amazed
friend. sit was hot brandy 1 drank"
An explanation of course folloyed-the
gentleman, however, was cured.
A HOLES WEIGHT-Mr. - of
a certain town in Vermont is not
distinguished for liberallty. His rul-
ing passion is fear of being cheat
ed. The loss, whether real or farcied, Of
a few cents, would give him more pain
than the destruction Of the entire navy.
He once bough4 a large cake of tallow at a
country store, at ten cents a pound. On
breaking it to pieces at home it was found
to contain a large cavity.
This he considered a disclosure of cupid
the store. entering in great excitement,
bearipg the cake of tallow, enchanting, We
hemently
Here you rascal, you have che"ted me!
Do you call that an honest cake of talloW?
1t is hollow. and there amt near SO much
as there appeared to be. I want you to
make it right"
"Certain ly, ;, replied the merchant, "I1l
make it right. I didn't know the cake was
hollow. You paid ten centsa pound. Nov
Mr., how much do you suppose the
hole will weight"
Some of orr druggists ornament their
windows with immense sponges, weigh
ing, light as they are, as much as twenty
pounds. But what are such trifles to the
spopges one finds around the lunch coun
tiers at high noon? We know some that
weigh two hundred pounds; but they don't
hold water while there is whsskey to be
had.
Il had nine children to support, and it
kept me busy % said Smith to Jones. as they
met, "but one of the girls got married.
Now 1 have '
Eight 2" interrupted Jones.
mo, t~en-counting the son-in-law!'
said smith, with a sigh which might have
been heard afar off.
ARENAS Ward thus describes his perils
at sea ssDeth stared us into the face. But
we had rather the advantage of Deth.
While Deth stared Us into the face, thar
was about seventy of us starin' Deth into
the face. The prospect wasn't pleasin' to
us. Not Much. I don't know how Deth
liked it.
Harry. a little boy. who had some trouble
with Lizzie, the domestic, at night offered
his usual prayer, "God bless papa and
mama and Lizzie, for Christ's sake, amen"
He arose, but soon fell on his knees again
and said, ''Oh, Lord, never mind Lizzie,
amen
They must haye a feeble constitution in
congress" said Mrs. Darlington IF they
haven't got power enough among ~ to
count a few votes. Why, Isaac would do
it in five minutes by simple admonit ion. -
The man whose feet were SO large that
he had to put his pants on over his head,
has got a boy SO bowlegged that his
brooches patterns have to be cut With a
circular saw.
"Have you a suit Of clothes here to fit a
large body Of waters:" mo, but we can
sell you a needle Inc thread with which to
sew a potato-patch on the pants of a tired
dog"
Don't loaf about the streets and de pend
on the Lord for your ''daiIy bread" He
isn't running a bakery.