Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1877-08-30
HunOr.

An old negro cook says: I" Sass is DOW
erful good IN everything but children
Dey needs some oder kind of dressin',
A great drinker being at table, they
offered grapes at dessert. Thank
you, said he, pushing back the plate,
/ don't take my wine in pills.
/ 1t doesn't do bit of good to go to a
/ picnic and stand on the river-bank and
admire the gorgeous sunset, and talk
about the tender beauties of nature to a
man who has just sat down on a custard
/ pie.
He ran somewhat hastily into cigar
store and said pompously, " Give me
one of your best Matilda cigars" al
guess you mean Marguerite said the
clerk. "Oh, yes" he said, was think
ing of another girl"
The misery of the young man who
courts sparkling fashionable belle, and
/ loses her, is only excelled by the misery
of the man who courts her and wins
| her.
There is just one thing about it. The
lady who insists on carrying good share
of her dress in her hand has got to keep
her shoes tied up, or let everybody know
that she left home in hurry.-Detroa
/ Free FresS.
An AWFUL VIsIoN.-'' What is the
matter, Julia you look as sorrowful as
a sick lap-dog!" "Oh, don't perplex
me, that's dear Ny grief is too great
for utterance. I've had such an awful
vision. | actually dreamed that Rosa
Smith had got new silk dress"
The moon looked through q rift in the
cloud. Not just yet, John" sighed
she. A cloud passed over the moon.
Now, john" and a smack reverbera-
ted from hill to hill and finally died
away in the labyrinth of COW shed.
Daily Derrick.
A beggar, accompanied by his dog,
stands at a Paris street corner. He dis
plays a placard; "Have pity on the
blind" He is caught attentively regard
ing coin dropped into his cup. ''Ah!
you can see, then" Yes" Why then
the placard?" at is not for myself [
beg. 1t Is my dog who is blind. "
In private Mark Twain is full of tests,
keeping them up even at his domestic
hearth. His wife asked him one day,
when he was fonding his first born You
do love the little thing, do you not, Sam
uel?" [ can't say love it, but respect
it sincerely for its noble fathers sake"
A German lost his wife, and the next
week married again. and his new wife
asked him to take her out riding. He
felt indignant that she should have no
more respect than that for his deceased
wife, and said: "You dink | ride out
NIT anoder woman so soon after the death
of mine frau?"
A young man in Rochester went
not long ago, to call upon some young
ladies. He sent in his card, was kindly
received, and passed a pleasant evening
The next day one of the young ladies
happened to pick up the card again,
and on the back she found the follow
ing: One game of billiards, fifteen
cents; drinks, twenty cents; three games
French with Joe, forty-five cents; drinks
sixty cents" The card was returned
with note telling the young man that
he had lost his memorandum book
RATHER CooL.-A Mr.. Snow lectured
to the people of Wisconsin village the
other evening on "Dogs." Before he
got quarter through, the evident in
difference and GOODNESS of his audience
made him angry, and he launched out
into TRADE against Wisconsin audiences
in general, unit la man in the front seat
interrupted him with, You needn't be
so tOuchy about it. If the audience is
cool, you're to blame for it." How's
that? asked the lecturer. Why, you
carry two feet of Snow with you WHEREBY
er you go, don't your The lecturer
collapsed, and eft town by the mid
night train.
The other day one of the clerks at a
great railway station, found the porter
among the boxes, with pen, ink and pa
per before him. Writing letter, eh ?"
queried the clerk. Yes; writing to
the old man." He handed up the half
written letter fer inspection, and pres
emily the clerk remarked: 81 see you
spell jug g-u-g'-that isn't right" "Of
course not" replied the porter; "but
you see [ am writing to the old man,
and he always spells that way. If put
the other g to it, he would think was
putting on style. and forgetting that |
was his son. He's good-hearted, and /
don't want to hurt his feelings" The
letter went off with only one "g" at
the end of "gug."
| ELEsSNESs.-There is certain
| sort of guilelessness which never wears
out. We were reminded of this while
standing at the entrance to Banum's
circus the other day. Two women-the
youngest about thirty years old-ap-
preached the doortender The elder
extended the tickets, one being red and
the other green. The doorkeeper took
them, looked at them, and then at the
two women, and blandly observed, "Ali
right. Which of you two is under nine
years of age?" The two women looked
at each other with an expression of
slckenlng uncertainty.
A Scotch minister was once busy cat
echizing his young parishioners before
the congregation, when he put the usual
first question to stout girl whose father
kept a public house: "What is your
name?" No reply. The question hav-
ing been repeated the girl replied:
Name O. yer fun, Mr.. Minister; We ken
my name weel eneuch. Dye no say
when We come to our house on night,
Bet, bring me some ale?" The con
gregation, forgetting the sacredness Of
the place, were in a broad grin, and the
parson looked daggers.