Mexico weekly ledger., 1877-10-18
MARK TwsINss WAR RECORD.
FUNNY REauS1scENcE OF TOM HARRIS
MISSOURI rALADISs, s.FIRsT IN WAR
AND FIRST IN PEACE" /"

n A-Nb rIttoI 4 An fEACE.
The Ancient and Honorable Artil-
lefy of Boston celebrated their 24Oth
anniversary in Hartford last week.
Mark Twain was at the banquet, and
took occasion to tell about his hair
breadth escapes ahd horrid adven-
lures as rebel soldier, as follows:
MARK TWAIN SPEECH.
The last time had the privilege of
of breaking bread with soldiers was
some years ago, with the oldest mill
tary organization i'll England, the An
cient and Honorable Artillery compa-
ny of London, somewhere about its
six hundrelth anniversary; and now
i have enjoyed this privilege with its
eldest child, the oldest military or
ganization in America, the Ancient
and Honorable Artillery company of
Massachusetts, on this your two hum
dred and fortieth anniversary. Fine
old stock, both of you-and if you
fight as well as you feed, God pro-
tect the enemy.
| did not assemble at the hotel par
lors to-day to be received by COM
mittee as mere civilian guest no, l
assembled at the headquarters of the
Putnam Phalanx and insisted upon
my right to be escorted to this place
as one Of the n ilitary guests. For i,
too, am soldierl / am Injured to
war. l have a military history. l
have been through n stirring cam
paign. and there is not even men-
tioh of it in any history of the United
States, or of the Southern Confedera-
cy-to such lengths can the envy and
malignity Of the historian go! | will
unbosom myself here, where cannot
but find sympathy; will tell you
about it, and appeal through you to
justice.
III the earliest summer days of the
war, l slipped out of Hannibal, Mis-
souri,, by night, with II friend, and
joined II detachment of the rebel Gen
eral Tom lisrris' army U find my
self i'll a minority herc) up Il gorge
behind an old barn in Rails county
Colonel Rails swore us III. He made
us swear to uphold the flag and con-
stitution of the United States, and to
destroy any other military organiza-
ton that we caught doing the same
thing. In other words, we were 10
repel invasion. Well. YOU see. this
mixed tbs. We couldn't really tell
which side we were on. but we went
into camp and left it to the God of
Battles (for that was the term then).
| was made Second Lieutenant and
chief mogul of n company of eleven
men, for we had no captain. Ny
friend, who was nineteen years old,
six feet high, three feet wide, some
'rnce through, and just out Of the
~chool, was made orderly ser
His name was Ben Tupper.
.,I 4, l.,
nted ard on the march he used
to sleep, and his horse would
lround and bite his leg, and
a. would cry and curse and want
- e. The other men pcstcrcd
trrrr :, I'D deal, too. When they
wore disnountcd they said they
couldn't march in double file with
him because his feet took up 50 much
room. One night when we were
around the carnp-li fire, fellow on the
octside Of the circle said: ben
Tuppcr, put down that newspaper
it casts shadow like blanket. -
Ben said, ~ amt got any newspa-
per-" Then that other fellow said.
80. see-'twas your earl Laugh
ter. We all slept in the corn crib.
on the corn, and the rats were very
thi.k Ben Tuppcr had been rightly
reared, and when he was ready fol
bed, he would start to pray ant
Il rat would bite him on the heel. ant
then he would sit up and swear al
night laughter and keep everybody
awake. lie was town bred, and die
not seem to have any correct idea o
military discipline. II commando
him to shut up he would say, "Wh,
was your nigger lust year" On,
evening ordered him TO ride out OF
picket duty about three miles, 20 tn
beginning Of a prairie. Said he
s'Wkat4'' In the night And then
Hlamcd Union soldiers likely to b
prowling round there any time." s.
he wouldn't 90. Next morning
ordered him again. Said he: Il
the rain! think / see myself
lie didn't go.
Next day ordered him on pickle
duty once more. This time he loo k
ed hurt. Said he: ''What, O
Sunday? You must be dam fool =
I.anghter.] Picketing WAS inprat
ticable, so dropped it from my mil
tary system.
We had good enough time ther
at that barn, barring the rats and til
mosquitoes and the rain. We levie
on both parties iinpartially, and bot
parties hated us impartially. Blu
one day we heard that the invade
was approaching, SO we haG to pael
up aud move, OF course. Inside G
twenty. four hours he was comin