The Toledo chronicle. [volume] (Toledo, Tama County, Iowa) 1873-1924, 1877-05-31
MY wlFE's LOSSES.

| II. W. CtQIHe3 W. tJCTtOHeJ JOT SuUe.
MY WlFE'S LOSSES.
Bless her little SOUL she may not b,
beautiful as Venus or wise az Minerva
but she is the most amusing wife mfn evel
had.
"Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Hef infinite variety:"
The other day a young and lovely bride
called on us. Her face was calm, her eyes
bright, her color glowing, her hair rich
and lustrous; the words OF truth and
soberness fell from her lips. You could
not fail to admire her. She would be q
| model housekeeper, good mother
"mild yet firm," as the old owl said to
his son Billy-and decorous, proper, ex.
cellent, to the end of her days. Shall |
confess that the call bored mo exceeding
lyi suppose my total depravity came
| TO the surface Just then. AS for Nan she
| turned toward me with sigh, half stifled
and a pretty, wistful, inquiring look.
"Isn't she nice, Jack' declare I dc
think she's lovely. You can depend ON
her every time. She'll be just in the
right place from now till never. Oh
dearr'
Yes" said /, that is ail true, Nan
but there is such a lack of unexpected
ness about her that should hate her in 9
week."
"Oh, you dear old thing! that's why
you love me, isn't its'
And she threw herself into my arms In
the most gushing manner, and bit the
tip of my earl She really did: not entire.
ly in savage fashion, but as kitten
bites.
"That was unexpected, certainly" said
l, with grimace, rubbing the injured
member But Nan did not sympathize.
She withdrew herself calmly, and began
| to hunt about the room in most viva
cious manner.
"What are you looking for mao, Nan ~
She resented the emphasis with look
of rage at me, for this was a sore point
But as the search went on, and she grew
desperate, she turned to me and remarked
not too sweetly,
"lf you must know, can't find my
other ivory needle.''
| l could not help i'll had to laugh.
The needle was stuck through the dark
knot OF her hair like Roman girls
dagger.
"Oh," said she, when / told her-an
"oh' that ought to be written staceat0, il
/ mad only a bit OF score to do it. For my
wife's losses are the family delight. Never
| was such an inccnsequent woman made.
She knows where all my things are, and
Freproaches me with the cruelest scorn If
| venture to ask where my stockings live,
or what has become Of my white vest.
And the drawers that belong to little
Gracilis, her niece, are miracles Of order,
and the luckless child is visited with aw-
full TRADES from her aunty If an apron is
mislaid, or shoe wandering from its owr
place. This is all very nice for Gracilis
and me; but when it comes TO her own
things, if they were created out of original
atoms every time she wanted them, they
could not be more astray or longer in COM
ing together.
Well do remember, when we moved
from the hotel to our little house, the
anguish of mind which pervaded Mans
atmosphere. But after three days we
looked about US, and found ''most things
were somewhere" as she lucidly stated it.
Still there were three bottles OF claret to
be accounted for-the last of q dozen
which a kindly friend mad sent us to miti-
gate the austerities of hotel table. 1t
was very good claret; the taste was clean
and tolerably mild, and the bouquet fine.
This it was which recommended it to my
wife. She would hang over her glass like
bee above blossom, with dilate nOStrils
and dreamy eyes Oh, Jack, it is like
English viOlets !'-the dinner, such as il
was. growing cold on her plate, till was
obliged to suggest that her food was wait
ing to be eaten, and perfume would moi
supply the place of beef and bread. But
those three bottles of claret we're gone.
Nan knew perfectly we'll she had taken
them in basket when / carried her and q
few other precious things over to the house
in my buggy.
's You see, / didn't want TO put any
temptation IN Polonils' way, Jack, SO
took them myself knoo did,"
Let me put in a parenthesis here. and
| rise to explain that PolOnius is not the
| immortal adjunct ia Hamlet" but only
my queer wiie's way of saying Mallory
which is our washer woman's name.
:. But if you put them there, Nan, we
must have taken them out"
"Oh. Jack, what geese men are! DOM
you know you left the buggy and went uT
stairs to fetch that lovely vase you broke
| OH lklC StCpS 0ltCA GA anu AOW w yOp
know who helped themselves to that clare
| then ?"
| There was double flavor to this speech
sort of mental peppermint that made
me feel two ways at once. just as that pop
ular aromatic makes your mouth hot and
cold together. / at least was freed from
blame about the claret, but then | wa
brought to recollect that broke the vase
| Perhaps, though" she went on, you
might have put it under the buggy-seat
and in that case itmay still be at the livery
stable. Oh, do go right away and see"
So meekly walked over to the stable
but though searched in every crack Ol
the buggy, there was no claret there.
Then Pclonius was interrogated. She
| is an excellent creature, but afflicted will
. fluent pieiy Of speech, whose liberal dis
| pensation on all occasions is not quitt
reverent.
| "Ellen, don't you remember seeing
three tall dark bottles on the window-sil
at the Blank House when you were help
| ing me to pack :"
Indeed, thin, ma'am, I ricollict thin
| intirely a.standin' in q row be the windy
an I've splindid mimory, it's niver gons
back on me yit."
Did you see me put them into q bas
ket!''
Deed m l don't call to mind ! seer
ye do anything wild thin. remimbel
him bottles, because you was jist afthel
givin' me the earrings out o. the drawel
In the table be the windy,
"Oh. that makes me think: could yov
wear them ~
| .sOh, sure ma'am, ] niver had me ear,
holed from that day to this; but my Mar
Ann, an she not three year old CONF
March, she fetched Thin down NoudaJ
af the booreau; an Mother sex she
Ill wear thin earrings wan day, se,
she. She's raa1 smart, that wan. =
This was too much for Nan; shc lef
PoIonius TO her scrubbing, and turned i
me with scomic yet desperate expression
/" It's no use. Jack; they're gone. =
II only she could have accepted tina
situation, we should hsve had peace; bu
day altar day went on. and our Isqeaensifin
wcro daily turned inside ont, 0ht6ide -
and bottom side up, while III our friend
were rcRaled with The wnful tals, nj
every body wondered who oesA have a}0lel
/ the claret.
6Ix wesks after, d came into the ~
IoF at night, | beheld > strnnee W. - q