The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1877-04-20
WIT AND HUMOR.

WIT AND HUMOR.
THERE are times when buzz-saws are
not in motion, but the only safe way is
to hire some one else to touch one for you.
The Vermont Legislature wants the
Bankrupt law repealed. Too many fell
lows paying Is cents on the dollar and
holding 50.
BASEBALL players are having a hard
time to get started this season. Their
salaries are now quoted trifle lower
than Supreme Court Judges.
THE other day an irate young man en-
tered a Chicago sanctum and went for
the editor with mallet. The editor
should not tolerate such for-mallet-ies.
THERE won't be many circuses on the
road this year owing to the close times.
The only way is to be on hand and keep
your mouth open rs the elephant goes by.
Ir is said that butter has been in use
over 4, 1000 years, and no grocer need get
up on his ear when told that his sample
was old enough to vote when the mound
builders were in their glory.
A PRIM Boston editor asks els it
proper for young married ladies to be
seen upon the stage % Yes, provided
they sit close to the driver, and don't let
their feet dangle too much over the sides.
PEOPLE with throat diseases go down
to Sumter county, Fla. and in IL few
days have windpipes that send out sounds
equal TO calliopes, which set the alliga-
tors to waltzing and wagging their tails
like wet spaniels.
No MAN can ever see the announce
ment: Ladies Literary Society meets
this evening" without wondering how it
is that each one can copyher original F"
article from old scrap-books without col
liding with some other member.
A MINSTREL troupe is billed for Bur-
! lington, and we ask the Government if
the people of this free and Independent
city are to be crushed to earth by these
! high-handed despotic outragesl Take
away the troupes.-Burlington Haack-
Eye.
HARPER's WEEKLY illustrates the food
in New England. Young America,
smoking cigar, straddles the roof of an
almost submerged house, and when
asked where his parents are observes :
"Oh they're down stairs. L have an
idea 1 am an orphan.
AS A cheering instance of educational
progress in Texas, it is stated that all
boys over five years of age, attending
public schools in that State, are now i'm
peratively required to take off their
! bowie-knives and revolvers before enter
ing the school-room.
A MAN who from his youth upward,
| had been leading most irregular life,
suddenly ended his bachelor career by
marrying widow worth e40, 900.
Don't imagine" said he to one OF his
! friends, "that am simply marrying for
money. If she had only 100000 l
should have married her just the same. P"
SCENE Breakfast table. Professor
! Contemplating very small potato
Waiter!' Waiter with dignity
Sir y Professor (blandly)-" Do you
know where you got this potato?' Waiter
(decisively-" Yes, sir do y PROBES
sor with intensity >" Well, 10y heavens!
you want to remember, for l may want
another"
A NEW phase of woman's rights in
Boston: "She entered Middlesex car
Saturday morning, and made this little
speech: NO, sir ! Don't rise. Move up
on that side Move up, there. There's
plenty of room if you'll only move up !
Move up! 1t won't hurt you bit. ,
There were eleven ladies on that side,
bst they moved up and she sat down"
A CHICAGO saloon-keeper asked an old
topper to sample some fourteen-year-old
whisky. Toper's mouth watered and
his blear-eyes sparkled, until the saloon
man handed him "pony" glass filed
with the aged nectar. "Isn't that the
clear quill 2" asked the proud donor,
after his guest had swallowed the modi-
cum at gulp. Yes, it's good but
it's small for its age, was the reply.
1.-THE baby has get new tooth, but
the old lady is laid up with cold IN the
head, remarked gentleman to a de-
! feated candidate. ''What do 1 care 2"
was the reply. "Well, said the gentle
man, "before the election you used TO
take nae aside and ask me how my family
was coming on, and I've been hunting
you all over town to tell you, and that's
the way you talk to me. But it don't
make any difference. l voted for the
other candidate, anyhow. "-E.cchange.
| THE SPRING BIRD.
Dear little bluebird,
Herald of spring;
Swallow this cough drop
Poor little thing!
Warblng 40 hoarsely
OF Aprips approach
Hunting around for
! Bronchial trochc.
Poor little bluebird
Don't you 60 of
Tie mp your little neck,
Doctor that cough.
Socn April violets.
Kissed by the breeze,
Will SILVER and vince AZ they
| List to your snocze.
Don't be discouraged yet,
! Herald Of spring;
| Shake al the iciclee