The new dominion. [volume] (Morgantown, W. Va.) 1876-1904, 1877-10-20
A Study for Women Who Look Under
the Bed at Night.
New York Times.

bed for woman, but there are millions
of women in this country who would find
it quite impossible to sleep in any bed uH-
der which they had not previously
searched for man. Experience is lost
upon them. The average unmarried
woman of forty years of age has usually
looked under the bed at least !, 500 times
without ever once finding the expected
man. but she is not in the least discour-
aged by SO long course of failure; and
it would be easy to find women of eighty
or ninety years who still nightly search
for theman whom they have never found.
Miss johnson, of Evanston, will here
after be famous as a woman whose long
perseverance has been signally rewarded.
1t would be indicate to inquire into
her precise age, had she not described
herself in recent affidavit as having
been born in the year 1884 and we may
therefore take it for granted that she is
at least forty-three years old. Ii we as
sumo that she began to look under the
bed at the age of fifteen, it follows that
she has performed that ceremony more
than ten thousand times. Until last
Friday night she never found the small
est fragment of man under her bed, but
on that eventful night her perseverance
was rewarded and the long-sought man
greeted her astonished gaze.
Miss johnson being an unmarried lady,
not wholly unconnected with the mil
liners trade, and full of womanly indie
pendence, resides entirely alone in a
small house containing but three rooms
"a kitchen, shop and bedroom. Dogs
she despises and cats she mistrusts, while
as for men, she regards them as poor
creatures who may possibly have their
uses in time of drought, when water
must be carted from the creek, but who,
as a rule, make more trouble about a
house than their necks are worth. Hold
ing these views, it naturally follows that
Miss johnson lives alone, and the cool
bravery with which she locks up her
house at night and seeks her solitary
couch, no matter If a first-class thunder
storm is in progress, has for years been
the admiration of the more timid of her
sex.
1t was about eleven o. clock last Friday
night when Miss johnson stopped down
and looked under the bed for a possible
man, precisely as she had done on ten
thousand previous nights. Whether she
was or was not astonished at perceiving
large-sized man lying under the bed
with the back of his head toward her,
will never be known, but, at any rate,
she gave no sign of establishment, and
did not even inform the man that she saw
him. On the contrary, she resumed with
great deliberation the nocturnal twisting
of her back hair, and even softly
hummed Hold the Fort" with as
much distinctness as could beexpected of
her teeth. Her back hair being finally
finished, she opened her window turned
down the lamp until tgave sortof dim
and modest light, and then stepped grace
fully into bed, but not to sleep.
The sagacious woman was perfectly
well aware that the man under the bed,
not suspecting that he had been discov-
cred, would creep forth with view to
plumber as soon as he found she was
asleep. The bedstead stood in the cor
ner Of the room, and from the position
Of the man it was plain that he would
creep out on the side of the bed. Miss
johnson, therefore, changed her usual
manner of composing herself to rest, and
lay as she subsequently expressed it,
" fiat as pan cake" with her head pro-
jected over the side ef the bed ct the
precise locality where she expected the
man to appear. For at least half an hour
she lay perfectly still, watching for the
man with stealthy vigilance that would
have done credit to an astute and ex-
perienced cat. Not muscle or hair
pin of her frame moved, and her breath
ing was as slow and regular as that of
profound sleeper. AT length the man,
confident that she was asleep, softly be-
gan to worm himself from under the bed,
moving after the manner prescribed by
the way of penalty to the original SER
pent of the Garden of Eden. Little did
he imagine that pair of pitiless gray
eyes were waiting for the appearance Of
his head, while pair of 1.-THE and ner-
vous hands were ready TO bounce upon
his ears. 1t was not many minutes,
however, before each ear was suddenly
caught in an inex.ricable grasp, and his
head began to osciliate with remarkable
speed between the floor and the edge of
the bedstead.
Won Moltke himself could not have
surpassed Miss Johnsons tactics. She had
the man completely at her mercy, and
he was as helpless as though his head was
in the stocks. At first his captor main
tanned grim silence, but after she had
bumped him sufficiently to ease her mind,
she addressed him upon the wickedness
and folly of seeking to rob her. In vain
did the man protest that his motives were
innocent; that he had mistaken the
house, and had merely intended to take a
quiet nap under his own bedstead where
the flies could not find him. Miss John
son sternly told him that he could not
make her believe any such nonsense, and
that she would let him know" and also
"show him." These threats were carried
out by a renewal of the pumping pro-
cess, until the man yelled for mercy SO
loudly that the neighbors were aroused
and rushed to Miss Johnson's house with
the firm conviction that gang of bur
glars had murdered that excellent woman,
and were quarreling over the division Of
the spoils. 1t was not until a strong
force, armed with clubs and hatchets,
had recklessly entered the room that
Miss johnson surrendered her captive
with the remark that the sooner they be-
took themselves off the better, and that if
any other man would like to hide under
the bed she was entirely ready to knock
little sense into him.
Thus this intrepid woman not only de
| Tended herself with the most signal sue
cess, but she pointed out the true way to
deal with man under the bed. Most
women would have tried to D0ke the man