The Tipton advertiser. [volume] (Tipton, Cedar Co., Iowa) 1856-1962, 1877-08-09

| 't~ :" 80 NV "osc 0 t1ke u Win
him.
An undertaken returns the cause or
death In Cape Elizabeth. Me-, a. an
"ulster on the .tumick.n
Firt irate female: "I'd hate to bein
your Shoes" Second ditto: "You
couldn't get in them."
The young man who boosted thar he
round marry any girl he pleased found
that he couldn't please any.
Whiskey Is an antidote for poison
II taken In time. ''Hanpy thoupht ~
exclaimed Jones, ''Take the whiskey
now"
As General Tchewthemoslemshe
was leaving for the seat Of war, his
weeping sweetheart sobbed: Though
| no more behold thee, yet thy name
will ever he a SPELL"
An old lady crossed over 4 bridge
marked "dangerous!" without seeing
the sign. On being informed OF the
fact on the other eide she instantly
turned and r--crossed it.
The lazy youth who was told ito get
out of bed and go to the ant thou slug
gard" I" replied that he always talked
business with the head of the family.
and when he was hard up went to his
uncle.
We find,' said a coroner's jury out
West, that Bill Thompson came to
his death by holding Ave aces when
Jake Smith held four. And that nine
aces are five too many in any pack.
Mamma" Now, Jack there are ten
commandments You have to keep. II
you took thing that was not yours
you'd break commandment" Jack,
remembering something about some
little niggersl-"And then there'd be
nine" 1
At Il spiritual scance in Paris recent
ly the ghost of dead atheist put In
an appearance and was interrogated.
At last one inquired, "How about the
other world?" "There Is no other
world" the spirit replied.
Pa" said little boy to his father
in church, ''who is that woman who
sang SO loud?" "That 10 the soprano,
my hoy" "And what Is q soprano,
?' "A soprano, my son, is young
lady who puts on airs.o
VIM. NJ. Evarts the other day began
to tell q man that his coat tail was on
Are. Before he got through the first
half of the sentence three barns, twen-
ty tons of hay, and nine billy goats
were burned up, not counting the coat
tail.
Her husband had been playing base
ball, and when the doctor came she
exclaimed, Poor Adolpnus He got
pitcher in his center field and he can't
walk The doctor thought 1t more
likely he had been playing short stop
to a jug.
A gentleman talking to an estate
agent about the situation Of farm he
was about to purchase Of him in lew
el neighborhood, remarked: 1.-THE
country is exceedingly beautiful, and
/ do 40 admire rich fiat. ]" $50 do l."
said the obsequious agent.
| All the thirteen churches which
were destroyed In the st. John fire had
parsonages adjoining or near them.
In each case the minister's library was
totally destroyed. The editors libra
ries were also lost as the editors had to
to run out without their coats.
Pompous old father to present style
of son-"I am proud to say that I am
n self-made man." Present style of
son-"What do you mean by that ?"
Father am the architect Of my
own destiny; I made myself what !
am" son-"Then why, IT, you made
yourself, didn't you put little more
hair on the top Of your heai?''
There's some mind in this boy cs
yours" said the new pastor, stopping
by the roadside and stroking the curly
pate Of youngster whose father was
pl"wing In the adjoining field. "And
so there be, too" replied the rustic,
greatly tickled; land so there be sir;
you'd just ought TO see how he can
mind sheep!'
He told the editor he had read proof
for twenty years, and he obtained q
situstion. When he spelled instruc-
tion with big II" and with "k."
and Jehovah" with a little 81" the
editor dipped him In the ink barrel,
wrung him out between the rollers of
the press, and hung him out in the al
ley to dry.
Garrick once met o seedy-looking
man, who hailed him as "My dear
colleague
my good sir,' said Garrick, II
think have scarcely the honor Of an
acquaintance"
"And yet we have often played to-
gether," the stranger said.
II what piece7 What was your
part?" asked 0arrick.
| II used to be the cock in Hamlet, -
replied the seedy man.
A New Hampshire editor says:
Some time ago an aged man who
had just lost his wife came into our
sanctum, and with tears standing in
his eyes, eulogized the memory of the
deceased, and asked us TO record the
death in our next issue. "And,n said
he, while you are about it, make an
item about one of my Brahma hens
laying an egg measuring seven and q
quarter by eight and three-quarte
inches in circumference. Thus sud
denly our thoughts Of sympathy were
directed to the stern realities of life.
PA" observed Dsnbury boy to
his father, what does Mr.. Pilkins
and Julia find to talk about in the
parlor by themselves, four hours
every night In the weekT" The old
gentleman pulled splint out Of the
broom, and slowly prcdding his teeth
with it, replied:-"I got hunk Of
meat, yesterday, am we had II boil