Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1877-06-12
A Bashfnl Mans TribulatiOns,
Why a Certain Match Was Never Made

" q hooOu' Lucy were JuSt uItcu III
each other she was beautiful and ac-
compllshed, and young; Mr.. Diff1inger
was good-looking, rather well TODD,
and very agreeable. 1t was easily to be
seen that he was dead in love with that
young lady on North Hill he used to
visit, and it was pretty generally UNI
derstood that she wasn't averse to recelv-
ing his bashful attentions, and if it
hadn't been for one or two little Incl
dents it would have been a match, as
everybody expected and predicted.
Young Mr.. Diffiinger was not what
you would call an easy, selfpessessed
man. Not that he was at all an ungrace-
full man in fact, he rather prided him.
self upon his graceful carriage and ges-
lures, when nobody was looking at
him. He had very studied, regular
walk, and the ladies all said that his
bow was "perfectly divine" But, how
ever graceful he might be on the street,
all his natural elegance of manner de-
serted him when he was in company.
He stood with his toes turned in. He
sat with his knees crammed against
each other and his feet lying along the
carpet in parallel lines. He laid one
hand on each knee, or else held him
self in the chair with them, and from
time to time he would rouse up, and,
appearing to realize the stiffness of his
restrained posture, would suddenly clasp
his hands together and shake hands
with himself, apparently delighted to
know that he was there, and seeming
to derive great comfort and pleasure
from his own intimate acquaintance
and society. He was always in an ago.
ny lest his scalp lock was standing
straight up, and constantly made fur
tive dabs at it, until he would get the
crown of his head down to degree of
polish that would make a piano case
look rough, and would make an ordina-
ry egg hatch itself in sheer envy. He
would feel that his nails were dingy,
and would try to investigate them
without attracting any ones attention,
| which was always failure. And he
always stepped on his own feet, and
picked up some ones hatwhen he start
ed to leave the room. And one night
he waded into this lady's parlor, the
very young lady everybody thought he
would marry, with the muddiest pair
of overshoes that ever climbed a Bur-
lington clay-bank clinging to his feet
And after he got in he didn't know how
under the sun to apologize and go out
and take them off, and so he sat down
in an elegant easy chair, and worked
himself into alternate conditions of ra-
ging fever and cold sweats trying to
hide his feet under the chair, painfully
conscious all the time that the eve of
the young lady's mother was glaring at
his offending feet. And in his agony
he worked one of his shoes offand when
he came away, and not daring to stoop
and pick it up, he left it there and wa.
ded home in perfect frenzy and morti-
fication and remorse, and frightened the
landlady and all the boarders into con
vulsions of terror, trying to dash out
his brains by butting his head against
the lath and plaster partition of his
room. And the next day he received
the oversize in a. big paste-board box,
with a sarcastic note from the young
lady's mother, saying that he probably
overlooked it on account of its small.
ness (mud and all, it was about the SIZE
of a soap box, and the next Sabbath
when he caught the young lady's eye, in
church, she turned scarlet and dived be-
hind her fan, and he saw her shake thu
pew with uncomfortable emotion. H,
thought at first that she might be weep
ing, but closer investigation revealed
his error, and he afterward learned from
some young ladies, with whom she hat
held converse, that the morning afte
his departure from the parlor it looked
as though a c. B. & @. gravel train hat
been wrecked under the easy chair il
which he sat.
> It was long time, of course, befor
young Mr.. Diffiinger went out into com
pany again. But he heard people re-
marking what pity it was that such
naturally graceful. accomplished young
e man should shut himself up like re
/, cluse, when he could, by an effort, over
come his bashfulness and make hjmse1
such an ornament to society. So he re
. solved to try once more. He tried, h.
s called at the same house one night whel
e there happened to be other company
! and by watching himself with grea
care made a brilliant success all through
the evening. He sat with his leg
, gracefully bestowed after the manner 0
j the minstrel gentleman. His hand
< were as graceful and easy as a role
skater. He said bright. pleasant, bril-
liant things in an off hand manner
e And when he rose to go, erybody
: wished he would stay longer. He pick
ed up his own hat AS he backed to
wards the door, in real country style
TIC yOubS IdON UdltSu lOIWdIu W luCGT
cept him. He understood the move
ment as tribute to his former awk
wardness and penchant for lingering
over the door knob, and backed ava,
t more rapidly than ever, to achieve, be
fore she could, with her well meant bu
unheeded tact, assist him. He felt be-
hind b i'm and caught the knob, swup
Y the door open, and with a perfect tri
umph of mastery grace, the very poet
e ry of elegance, bowed himself into a re
d gion of outer darkness and shut him
: self in.
1t was very dark, indeed. The hal
Il lamp had evidently gone out And un
a less young Mr.. Diffiinger's nose wa
lying to him in the most shameless
d manner, somebody had carried the oil
e shoe-box into the hall. Mr.. Difflinge
y could hear the muffied murmurDf vol
s ces on the other side of the door, and
n seemed to him, once or twice, that Their
9 was some violently suppressed laughte
d going on somewhere in the country
b He didn't like to go back to the parlo
: and ask for a light, so he CROPPED or
: with some misgivings, toward the hal
e door. He thought he could detect, il
} the atmosphere of the close, dark hal
struggling with the old shoe presence
y the musty odor of old clothes Th
It next thing he knew he thrust his fee
into the box of dismantled shoes, an
d fell forward, jamming one arm up
r the elbow into bandboX, while wit
e the other hand he reached out ant
It grasping at anything to stay his fal
e pulled down upon himself, as he fell
the floor, an old army overcoat, pal
: of overalls, balmoral skirt, Gallo
s dress, and some flannel things that b
didn't know the names Of There az
d peared to be marked increase in til
volume of the muffied laughter, afte
} the crash of his fall, and the dreadfJ
: truth dawned upon young Mr.. Diffiin
ger as he rose TO his feet and sbool
q the things off him. He had backe
d himself into the wrong door, and ha
+ made his exit into the general wardrobe
d He didn't know at first whether to Gu
: his throat and die right in there, or G
r out and murder the architect VIII
planned the house. He felt his wa
q back to the door, he emerged into tn
4 light amid tornado ofscreaming laugh
ter. He crammed his hat on his hea