The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1877-04-25
WITTICISMS.

Ao ~'1o"PcSS way ~ 1.-Two ~ u Dreahe.
1t takes the Irish to awake" tho dead.
A clear casc-An empty dry goods box.
Good place for NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.
| vile.
Criminals should come to halt or
halter.
Drains on the public purse need re-
trenching.
Living on excitement is very expensive
living.
| The stamp of civilizaion-The postage
| stamp.
l should call landlords poor relations
his ten-aunts.
Ann Eliza says that ten of Brigham's
daughters sat in the front seats and made
faces at her the first time she lecturcd.
| A man may be properly said to have
been drinking like a fish when he finds
that he has taken enough to make his head
swim.
| A gifted contributor sends US poem
! beginning, "Open the doors to tho chill
dren.p You'd better, if you don't want
all the paint kicked off the panels.
She was telling female friend how
Mary Jane quarreled with her "feller,"
and, said she, j" why, if you heard 'en
talk, you'd think they were married."
! A young lady who has suffered from
Baggage smashers" has had her trunks
covered with flannel this season. having
heard that flannel is good chest-protec-
tor.
The thoughtful husband is looking for
ward with generous solicitude to the
warmer mornings when it won't be 80
cold tor his wife to get up and kindle the
fire.
| The Ne,o Century asks, GLOW can a
woman make her home more attractive
to her husband2" Around here, the surcst
way is believed to be to hire q pretty
OBSERVATION-DISCLOSURES Bulletin.
Recitation in Linguistics: Professor
discoursing on the peculiarities of nomen-
clature, remarks to the bashful c.: "Now.
Mr.. T., imagine yourself the father of a
child" Total collapse of C.-Yate Re-
cord.
A Danbury man who went to Chicago
ten years ago had to borrow the money
for his fare. Now he has his own shaving
| cup in one of the best barber shops in
! hatcity.
T@lmage said that in Boston the ques-
ton is: How much do you know?" in
| Philadelphia it is: "How is your father?"
| and in New York: ''How much are YOU
wort h?"
i" My son." said doting mother to her
eight year-old, "what pleasure do you
feel like giving up during the Lenten
ason?" "Well, ma, I guess I'll stay
away from school" was the reply.
The people who live in Massachusetts
valleys are getting so now that, when
man comes into the neighborhood and
builds dam, they sell out and move to
the top Of the hill, and nail cleats up
along the trunks of the highest trees.
never can enjoy poetry when I'm
cookin'," said an old lady; ''but when
step out to feed the hogs, and fist myself
on the fence and throw my soul into
few lines Of 'Cap'n Jinks,' it does seem az
it this airth was made to live on. after
ALL"
Fair charmer (who thinks that she
knows everything about college affairs,
" Is 1t possible, Mr.. Tomkins, that you
are not acquainted with my brother at
Harvard2 Why, he sings second base on
the University Baseball w."-Har-
card Lan.ooon.
Lavender was aroused in the middle of
the night by his wife, who complained
that she heard a noise. "What does it
sound ike?" asked he. &c It sounds like
something ticking, said she. cts prob
ably the ed-ticking," he murmured, and
went off to sleep again.
Stein o Kilbogie sold his furniture, and
the country side all came. Jean, the
ploughman's wife, was among the rest,
and as she came up to the big pier-glass
she reached out her hand saying to her
image therein, can is this you? How
are ye the day? ken I've seen your face
in Culross before, but Gamma mind the
name!"
Ihls from that most aristocratic of all
English serials, the London Cou,t-J Journal !:
By an order Of the Lords of the Admiralty.
the Admiral Superintendent of the Devon
port Dockyard has formally and severely
reprimanded an engineer student for re-
| plying to the examiner in facetious man
ner. The student, when asked. "How
Would you proceed to get up stealm?" an
swered, Brighten your funnel-stays and
regulate your funnel-draught, then look
up to our Father and say, 4 am ready to
go home if the boiler front comes OUT"
Browsy Bunker of Carmel loafed around
| az day trying to get the highest bid for
MS vote. He wanted three dollars; but
just as they were about to compromise on
two dollars and half, the sun went down
and the inspector declared the polls closed.
! All he remarked was. MGreat Gmsari is &