Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1877-08-03
f. II n :

F. u N!
He came back to his mother, looking
very forlorn, with big red swelling under
his left eye, and four or five handsful OF
torn shirt boiling over his breaches band.
''Why, where on earth have you been p
she asked. 'sMe and Johns been playin'.
He played he was a pirate, and I was a
duke. Then he put on air, and not mad
and" "Yes!" interrupted his mother,
her eyes flashing land you didn't finch ~
s'No, mother; but the pirate licked"
Occasionally, BARRIERS get hold of poor
quality of hay rum, and when such is ap-
piled to the face Of man just shaved it
smarts like fire for few moments. A case
of this kind occurred in one of our barber
shops the other day. "Whoop holy Moses !"
yelled the man, springlng wildly from the
chair, and clasping his burning cheeks
with both hands. ''You may skin me
that's all right But l IL be essentially GUS
sed if Pm going to have pepper-sauce rub
bed on it afterwards. Now, do you hear
me %
A gentleman observed an urchin who
had large slice of bread in his hand, and
who was crying very bitterly. "My son."
he exclaimed, "what are you crying for
''Mother won't (boo-hoo oo) put any butter
on my bread (boo-hoo 0O!'' 'Oh, is that
all ?' said the gentleman. Come, dry
your tears and be man." SIT amt so
much the BUTTER" retorted the little urch-
in s'its the disposition of the old wo-
man,
A correspondent wants to know: sCan
a christian 20 to circus ?" Why, yes he
can go to the circus easily enough, but il
will cost MIN quarter when he gets there
to get in; that's where the shoe pinches.
You see christian is always too proud to
carry water for the elephant, and there's
where the sinner has the advantage over
him in the matter of free passes. -Bmlino-
ton Haaukeye.
An American lady coming from Canada
assured the custom officers that she had
nothing but wearing apparel in her trunk;
but he went to the bottom of the article
and found dozen bottles of brandy stow
ed away. Madam demanded he stern
ly, "do you call these wearing apparel ?''
EYES," the lady demurely replied; ''they
are my husbands night-caps.''
An individual noted for his answering
veracity was telling rather tough yarn
to an admiring crowd. Some skeptical
person shook his head, and offered to bet
that the story was an invention. "Well,"
drawled the imperturable narrator. Il
won't bet, because Pm not quite sure, but
I'll take my solemn oath It's true"
In a court room: A lawyer to his client
81 am sorry; poor fellow, but, notwitl-
standing my eloquence, you have been SCI
fenced to prison for three MONTHS" sob
don't let that worry you" was the answer
II am not sorry. In the neighhorhood
where live they will think l have gon.
to the country, and that will give me Il
social status.''
A young woman from the rural districts
entered dry goods store the other day,
and asked for pair of stockings. The
clerk politely asked her what number she
wore. '"Why, two, you fool. Do yor
think am sentipede or that 1 have
wooden leg %
Mr.. Alger says "a woman opens book,
sees dried leaf, and sheds tears" And
it is pretty much the same way with a
man. He opens favorite book just re-
turned by borrower, sees torn leaf
and feels like shedding tears-or the bor-
roWer's blood.
:'Have you read about the telephone ?''
was asked of a man in town few days
ago. 81 s'pose have,'' replied the other;
shut really forget now whether he is
Russian or Turkish General. 1t is so
hard to get the hang of these foreign Gen.
erals"
A French chemistmakes pills on which
the name and the dose are legibly print
ed. So the man who takes them not only
gets needful medicine. but also swallows
a great deal of valuable information.
AS a Scotch schOOlmaster was teaching
an urchin to cipher on the slate, the pupil
put the following question to his instruc-
tor: "Whaur diz a. the figures gang till
when they're rubbit out p
After telegraph pole had fallen on
Savannah Negroes head, he threw up his
hands and shouted, s'Don't hit me again
wild yer club, Mr.. Policeman. 1t wasn't
me dat stole de Chickens
sHe is man after my own heart. pa"
said Julia reverting to Charles Augustus.
Nonsense. replied old Practical, he is a
man after the money your uncle left YOU"
'Please don't shoot the cows" is sign
on Il farmers fence near Chicago, inten-
ded for city sportsmen who 90 out after
prairie chickens.
A veteran shopkeeper says that although
CLERKS are very laxative during the day.
Ehey are always ready to shut up at night.
Contributor why have you not inser-
ted my last article? Was it too long ?'