Connecticut western news., 1877-03-30

udy Cle HUG was uuly pfeSeuJeU. have no money now," said the Russian ''eat the torn bits of this note up." The money-lender did so and went home. Next day the Russian returned the money to it's owner. Subsequently the Russian desired another loan, hard pressed by his military expenses, and again appealed to the same Jew, re- questing him to bring the sum with the relative due bill. So it was done. "This is the money," said the lender. "Well, and where is the paper?'' "Here,' replied Abraham, rendering huge link of sausage-of beef.
 ON ONE occasion when Henri Monnier was acting in the provinces a terrible storm came up just before the hour an- nounced for the performance to begin, and when the curtain rose the audience was found to consist of one solitary man. Nowise disconcerted, Monnier advanced to the footlights and addressed the public; "Excuse me, sir, but would you mind coming up here and sitting on the stage? It will fatigue my voice less if you are close beside me, and you can see just as well. Or what do you say to our closing the theatre and going to the cafe next door to play dominoes ?''
 "WHY doesn't this fire keep up?" asked Chicago husband pettishly, as he pranced around half-dressed and furtively poked the stove grate late one bitter morning.
 ''It's so much like you," piped out his wife, from her warm bed.
 'Like mel" exclaimed he, stopping in his work, "How SOP"
 "Because," said she. roguishly, Git eojll go out nights !"
 He mumbled something to himself and returned to his work.
 WHY HE WEPT.-A meek-looking stranger was sitting on the station plat form reading a newspaper, last evening, when he suddenly let it fall from his hands, and burst into tears. ''What is your grief, my dear sir?' hastily asked an astonished and sympathetic by- stander. The afflicted man looked up with eyes streaming. 'sStranger," he gasped, ~do you know that there hain't a single ex-President alive ?'' and again he bowed his head and wept.
 A COLLEGE STUDENT lately returned from country town where he had been teaching, and brought with him an ex- ample which seems to illustrate the fallacy of 'object-teaching." One of his young pupils spelled "o-x,' but could not pronounce it. The teacher pointed to picture of the object in question as hint to it's pronunciation, whereat the little fellow exclaimed in triumphant tone, "Steer."
 IT IS noticeable that the cat who mounts the ridge-pole of the woodhouse and sits apart at the concert, and is wrapped in thoughtful distracted silence until the programme is about half through, opens out, when he does come in, with vail that curdles the blood in a frozen beet and rouses all the other members of the troupe to an agony of frenzied emulation.
 "THAT bed is not long enough for me-" said very tall, gruff English man, upon being ushered into his bed room by an Irish waiter at one of our hotels. "Faith an you'll find it plenty long, sir, when you get into it,'' was the reply; for then there'll be two feet added to it, and Pat, closely followed by boot-toe, retired.
 A ENUMERATED clergyman asked convict how he came to be in jail. The fellow said with tears in his eyes that he was coming home from prayer meet ing, and sat down to rest, fell asleep, and while he was asleep there the county built the jail around him, and when he awoke the jailer refused to let him out.
 "DoN'T put too much confidence in a lovers VOWS and sighs," said Mrs. Part lngton to her niece; ''let him tell you that you have lips like strawberries and cream, cheeks like tarnation, and eyes like an asterisk; but such thinks oftener come from tender head than a tender heart."
 ''I USED to put the seal of affection on my wife's lips when We were first mar rled, said disconsolate benedict, sbut now have to put the seal (skin) of affection on her back. The new kind costs more, but it can't begin to com pete with the other for solid comfort"
 Two SABLE philosophers took shelter under the same tree during a heavy shower. After some time, one of them complained that he felt the rain. "Neber mind," replied the other, "dere's plenty of trees. When dis un is wet through we'll go to de oder.''
 HERE is good business like epitaph: l: ''Here lies Jane Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of the same style, $25O."
 A CHICAGO MAN who attended 8 crowded lot feels confident that he would have laid hold on salvation if his washerwoman hadn't put so much starch in the collar band of his shirt.
 "GoRRY, ole man," said shivering darkey, covering over the glowing coals on the hearth, ''what de good old hymn says is fac'. Desc embers as pleasant as May"
 A LITTLE GIRL, to whom her father explained that bantam chickens might be recognized by their feather stock ings, wanted to know if the hens wore garters.
 A FASHIONABLE but illiterate lady, who was travelling on the continent, in writing to a friend, said she just seen the museum of iniquities," ill Greece.
 "BIoGRAPHYs are delitesome reading. We kumpare all the virtews of the per sons karakter with our own, and all hiz failings with our nabors. ."-Billings.
 ONE who knows how it is herself says; ''The man who is awfullly urbane to his wife before strangers is generally also her bane behind their backs!'
 NOTICING in the sand a footprint about fourteen inches long. Snooks sighed and said: E"That fellow Jrnes is here; that's lis monogram"
 AN OLD Scotch woman recommended