The Cambria freeman. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1867-1938, 1877-11-23

John Cain was quiet, unobtrusive citi-
zen. He didn't long Tor fame and renown,
and he didn't care five cents whether tn is
great and glorious country was ruled bv a
one-horse Republican OF a two-horse Dem
Ocrat.
He had pew in church, gave sixteen
ounces for a pound, and when a man look
ed him square i'm the eye Mr.. Cain never
took a back seat. He was a. home at a
reasonable hour in the evening, never took
part i'll the discussion, "Is lager healthy?''
and many a man wished that his life rolled
on as evenly and peacefully as John Gains
But alas the tempter came. In an evil
hour John Cain allowed the politicians to
get after him and surround him. They
said he was the strongest man in the conn-
try that lie cotiid scoop out of his boots
any man set up in opposition that his
virtues were many and bis faults 600, 900 !;
that 1t was his duty TO come ont and take
nomination in order that this pure and
incnrIuptitle government be Continued -
All this and much more they told him, and
John Cain became puffed mp.
IL surprised him some to think tina. he
had held his peaceful way along for forty
years like knot hole in barn door, with
out any une having discovered what a fel-
low he was but he concluded tha. there
was a nea era in politics aud that it was all
right.
The politicians covered John Cain with
soft soap. They told him that the canvass
shouldn't cost him a red, and that liz still
should retire at eight every evening and
rest assured that his interests would be
properly cared for. 1t WAS to be a still
hunt i'll a very quiet election, and he would
a.dly know what was going on. john
Cain was an bnncst, unsuspecting idiot
and he swallowed their wurtle us the cJn-
fiding fish absorbs tile baited hook.
John Cain was duly nominated and the
band came out and serenaded him. With
tte band came out several hundred electors
WHO filled the Cain mansion to oyertowing.
spit tobacco all over the hpise; ate and
drank all they could find, broke down The
gate aud went of with thee cheers for
john Cain.
Before the CANVASS was ten days old, half
d"zcn men called on Cam and gently
hinird to hin, that he must ceIne down with
the sugar" He didn't even know what
sugar" was until they explained. They
wanted money to raise pole, to buy beer,
to get slips printed, aud 10 buy fifty other
things with, all for his particular benefit,
and he had to hand out the money.
In the course of another week they drew
Cain out to make a speech ut a ward meet
ing. He tried to claw off hut they told
him that the opposing candidate would uiu
him out of sight if he didn't come out, aud
he went out. When he got throug h speak
ing the crowd drank at his expense. and
MIR. Cain astouished at the way the
liquor went down, and the most asrunished
at the way the bill footed up. He didn't
reach home until midnight, and for the
first time in his life he was going 10 bed
with his boots on. lis wife wouldu speak
to him, the hired girl left the house to save
her character, and John Cain wished that
the politicians had let him alone.
More men came aud crooked their fingers
at him and whispered sugar" They want
ed money TO buy some doubtful votes aud
to hire four~borse teams, and to mail his
slips, and lie had to come down. He hesi-
tated about it, but they told him that the
opposing candidate felt sure of victory and
that acted as spur.
There was hardly night that from fotir-
teen to two hundred and forty friends did
not call on Mr.. Cain to inform him as to
the prospects" They drank up the cur
| rant wine that Mrs. Cain had laid by for
| sickness, emptied her preserve Jars, and
there wasn't a morning tina: she couldn' t
sweep ont forty or fifty cigar stubs and Il
| peck of mud. They all told CAIN that he
! would beat the other man so faI out of
| sight that it would take carrier pigeon 10
| find him, aud lie couldn't very well refuse
! to go over TO the corner grocery and ''set
| 'em up for the boys.
| The crisis finally came. On the eve of
| election Mr.. Gains friends called for
''sugaI" again, aud he had 10 sugar them.
| A big crowd called to warn him lie
| would certainly be elected, and the saloon
| bill was S2S more. Thirteen or fourteen
men shook hands with his wife. One hun
dred or more shook hands with him, and
he lad to get up and declare that he didn't
| favor womeu's rights, and that he did
that he was down on whisky, and ye: loved il
| I
| inflated, and yet favored specie payments
he favored the civil rights bill, and yet
didn't; and in his brief speech Mrs. Cain
| counted twenty seven straight lies besides
the evasiOns. Mr.. Cain wanted to hold
| popular views, and he wanted to be on all
! sides once.
On the day of election they dragged him
from poll to poll. stopping at all the saloons
on the way he had to make 256. 600 prom.
| ises, pull his wallet out until it was flat
as wafer, drink lager with some and cold
water with others, and when light came he
| went home aud tried to hug the hired girl,
calico Mrs. Cain his dear old rhinoceros,
! and fel! over :he CRADLE and went to sleep
! with his head under the stove.
! When Mr.. Cain arose in the morning and
became sober enough to read the election
returns he found he had scooped 'em as
! follows
John Cain. .3S
| Gains majority lin a horn)...-............ 5,04l
| Mr.. Cain went out and sat down under
an applet tree in the back yard, and he gave
himself up to reflections aud SO forth
Though the leafless branches sighed the
| November winds aud in the house sighed
Mrs. Cain, and both sighs murmured gent
ly in his ear:
"John Gains perpendicular idiot"
BILLINGS PHILOsoPHY.-How natral II
| iz for a man, when he makes a mistake, tew
to kOrrect it by kussing sumbody else for it.
| The wimmin Oupht tew ketch All tbs