Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1877-05-02
Humorous Waits.

WHY Is candle like tombstoneP Be
'ause 1t is often set for late husband"
AN lrishman was once asked why he wore
ms stockings inside out. " Because there is
hole in the other side" he replied
"WnEN ! die" said court street man.
want to 60 where there is no snow 10
shovel" His wife said she presumed he
would.
AN Engishman, lately imprisoned for
beating his wife, said, as he was locked mn:
I've one comfort, anyhow; and that is.
that I'm not sent to Jail for doing a mean
thing"
AN improved form of challenge TO duel
is the following Quaker note " II thou wilt
eat twelve unripe apples just before retiring
at night, will do the same, and we will see
who survives"
A WESTERN paper, in describing an acci-
deht recently, says, with much candor: |" DR..
Jones was called aud under his prompt and
.killtuI treatment the young man died on
Wednesday night
CONE, doctor, it's ten o'clock I think
we had better be going, for it is time hon.
est folks were at home" well, yes" was
the reply, " must be off but you need not
go on that account"
A NEGRO was put on the stand as wit.
ness, and the judge inquired ii he under
stood the nature of an oath. For certain.
Boss, said the citizen 4" if swear to a lie
must stick to him"
A MEMBER of shabby-genteel class calls
at the residence of wealthy financier and
asks II the master is in. Z" He does not re-
ceive to-day" answers the servant. THAT
makes no difference | don't want him to
receive, but to give"
An experienced lady observes that a good
way to pick out husband is to see how
patiently he waits for dinner when it is be-
hind time. Her husband remarks that
good way to pick out a wife is to see whether
the woman has dinner ready in time.
JOHNNY was telling his ma how he was
going to dress and show off when he was a
man His ma asked, "Johnny, how do you
expect to get your living when you get to be
man p "Well,' said Johnny, "Ill get
married. and live with my wife's pa"
"MADAM, did you ever lift dog by the
tail = Why, no, you cruel thing you"
81 didn't know, because Just saw you
carry your little child across a gutter by one
arm. dogs tail is a good deal stronger
than the ligamens of a baby's shoulder"
HALF the fools in the United States think
they can beat the doctors at curing the
sick two-thirds of them are sure they can
beat the ministers preaching the gospel;
and all of them know they can beat the
editors running the newspapers.-RoD.e
Sentinel.
A GEORGIA. colored debating society was
discussing (which is best for the laborinp
man. to work for wages or n mart of the
crop 2" An old "uncle smoke the sens, of
the meeting when he Thought I. bofe was the
best, if dey could only be brunp togedder
somehow"
Av,,n,x lady soi1 10 hos I;.+io ,,,h
" Nov Johnrv yom ~, 20 haa '''o,I oorI
ways do so. and you'll be rosy-cheeked and
handsome when Won grow up." Johnny
thought over this n few minutes and than
observed; "WelL auntv. Won must bava
sat up good deal when Won were voung"
Axoldfosbio,o5 ,,in;sto, uas ,r.oh;,
i, a t;,,l,t n,,,,o',i.t"I ab,,aaI I' p.Lioh hs
,.,;'i,, o''"iVn ~ Tn'on "
''(,d daao,', "I.' ,I 's,s pa'.'i ~
re- 'inistar .,n 'ne J tmoi c'oseu s ~ ~.
deacon said in a solemn tone. :" If I were
preachin,, in n inc believe Won would nnt
The cork in"
,,, ; -. H.
90, 'S fn. S'1.'. n' "'., pepa''n us u.9
-. ,.'h,,, i'' 81 Vpr,s prl;,s 1 "
,bat ,rh;at' b disa,,",J a' "nI ~ g. ''aoe
,,I h IL. I'LL ''', ~ VI L.
40 das IN IN '' D"'
hat tn ''ob -, =. Tnr,"i, go oDu 'ei "a"
~ "I%. H. - e"o" ,',, Saa.l{' ' ','y en,,''
"1' w., "'''' "'''N ''' '''"'U' - 0''
ohpsWoHIh' saiu 'haIies Lamp,
one uay tplu ine lilat ne CONSIDERED onak-
p,''E so"' of ,r;ni. nn ~ 49, a,u ne
,'ota ,,nd rao,,la ara - b,, :, NJ !,
bad ~ a',,ta n;, ' III. Ia
Sh.t,naara, So"' ,o'' cav 80 ;, 'ea""JtI e M M
a','h n,,ia,Ir ,.;;t So r. ~ -,
,h"t 't''' f"'o';' ., was o"iS '"e ni''u
'""' was """''"s
JAMES ALbERf, the dramatlst, was one
day descending III great hurry the steps
fronting the Savage Club when stranger,
III liie STATE Oh anxiety whieh dehed pune
tuatloil' addressed MIN thus 81 beg your
PARDON, OUT Is there gentleman IN TINS
cIno win one eye oi the name oil ~
Aloer! answered the question, eagerly oy
"'o'her otoP i,o'heht' "hat 5 the
''"'''' - ''' C'"' ~
aPRoPos oi the baptlst cainp-ineethghe held
at Martina iheyard, the Methodlsts Tell "a
soou STORY oi some oi the oretnreh VINO ar
fiNed early ana Sought 10 "hlie away the
time by hshlhS' several KINDS OF fSh We're
caught ana on the return one Oh the hsher-
men inquired oil the skipper the names OF
the different specimens ms SAID he,
Is oiaeknS,l, that Is oiuensn' the next
; soup anu tIiat Is naptlst. nap
Ilst eSe,aliheu tne goou ofotner ny
10 you can these hsh paP''sIS because
tuey Spoi' so soon on oeihg IaSeh oul OIL the
"aVer' was 'le ingenious eAP'aii"''on'
As TnE train stopped for ten minutes, and
that individual who goes along tapping the
wheels with his hammer was passing rap
idly by the smoking car, one of the windows
was hoisted aud torrent of tobacco spit
was elected which almost deluged him.
The maehinist paused for moment and
| wiping some of the streams from his per-
son, said to the offender "Mister, what
part OF the country die you come from =
4" Me 2 said the splitter puckering up his