Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1877-03-23

| Lord Chesterfield is now dead, | think. At
any rate, his writings for the advancement of
society have ceased. As no one has felt ca
pable of filling his place since he quit, am
| persuaded that I'm the man. l have care
| fully prepared, Mt an enormous strain of my
| highly cultivated intellectual faculties, few
rules for the observance of modern society.
Never wait to see if any one else is helped
before eating yourself. People may think
you are afraid of being poisoned. Pitch
right in with renewed confidence in your di-
| gestive apparatus.
In eating soup, cram the whole spoon in
your mouth. This will insure your general
observation, which is desirable in public.
When you pass your plate the sixth time
for meat pile your knife and fork upon it,
also your spoon and biscuit. This invaria-
bly, makes the person at the head of the table
swear inwardly and perspire outwardly, while
| trying TO replenish your plate without scatter
| ing things.
If you are very warm, never mop your
brow or blow your nose on your napkin. 1t
used to be the custom to use the table cloth.
would recommend your coat-sleeveas as much
the handiest.
Always grasp your knife and fork with the
determination OF a butcher, just as you would
club, to brain an editor. You will then be
prepared for tough beef. Be sure and poke
your knife as far as possible down your
throat.
Never eat slowly-shovel it in like coal
HEAVIER. Fast eating will prepare you to start
out of the back door with full stomach, if
the police should Unexpectedly call for you.
If you should discover fly or roach, or
a mouse in your yictuals, don't hesitate to
mention 1t, at the same time displaying the
article.
III. lap,lIal,. ,r;ll llasv ,,o,, Co. .l;, ~, :,
generally makes folks sick, and saves grocer
les. Besides this you'll get credit for being
a close observer.
Never close the lips when your eating.
People may think you take such large mouth
fuls as to be ashamed. Let them flop loose
like pig. This is more natural, and natural
ness is the thing aimed at
Never rest your elbows on the table, it may
wear hole in the cloth. 1t would look more
like comfort to spread your arms out over
your plate and lean your forehead oil them.
You may have to move your neighbor's plate
to do this, but that doesn matter much.
When your neighbor asks you to help him,
vigorously slide his plate back to HIM. In
this way you may happen TO shove glass of
water into his lap, or turn Il cup of coffee over
on lady's new dress. This will only make
the gentleman use some very proiane Ian
guage, and cause the lady to express her un-
biased opinion Of you and your whole line of
ancestry.
If any mistake is made call general atten-
| tion to 1t; ut the same time correct the one
making it. especially If it is vulgar error,
you should feel it your bounden duty to init
mate, very loudly and Indignantly, that the
| one making 1t should coniine his company to
| loafers.
There is no law prescribing the length of
time for staying at your girls house. Gene
raj usage, however, has established > a. H. as
the hour for leaving, after call. However,
If the old man should come to the door with
a six-shooter. You may leave sooner, without
any impropriety. 1t Is even allowable to de-
part without the customary leave taking, us
this little emergency is sufficient excuse.
Some people want to know which is the
best place to talk to sweetheart. think
| Just inside the front gate the best, though
some idiots prefer the parlor. But the front
gate has its little defects. If the old gent
torgets and lets his bulldog loose, its good
etiquette to straddle that gate You're even
excusable for climbing on the hot-house and
swearing some. But IN this way you run Il
risk of having to pay damages for smashing
the glass all ont of the hot house.
1t is not generally considered impolite to
jump up and halo Gosh all darn -
whoopee to dash !" if your young heir hap
pens to set few tacks in your chair, with
their heads down. But it isn't polite 70
whale him before everybody Persuade him
kindly before them, and they'll give you cred
it for being a very mild and considerate pa
rent. But after they are gone, then Just put
that boy in the wood-house, and go and
hunt up trunk strap, buggy line, boot
| Jack, on a stick of stove wood, and go for
him until you are relieved
MAJ NEEDLE.