The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1877-08-09
PASSING SMILES.

THE path of duty: Through the Gus
tom House.
IF you are going to slide down plum
tree at this season of the year you had
better carry your pants in a bundle un-
der your arm.
DoN'T eat 'em green and sliced if you
Would like to stay around;
Abstain if long you'd be co..
Cumber OF the ground.
A FOUR-YEAR old miss adds another to
the list of remarkable Juvenile speeches.
She was asked where she expected to go
when her mamma died, and replied,
"To the funeral, s'pose."
SPEAKING by the card: Mistress
You seem to know all the gossip of the
neighborhood, Mary" Maid-"Yes
ma am my young man is letter carrier,
and he reads me all the postal cards"
A MAN who had practiced twelve
years with a revolver, and who could
drive nail at sixty feet with bullet,
was killed by club in the hands of an
Arkansas man who couldn't shoot barn.
AN uptown lady purchased nice
new door-mat the other morning with
the word Welcome stamped thereon
in glowing letters, and the first to come
along and plank his number elevens ON
1t was book agent.
NEW YORK San: The kind of verses
that are read in Kentucky school ex-
hibition:
"Gomy son, and shut the shutter
This heard mother utter
Shutters shut, the boy did mntter,
can't shut it any shutter"
ROME Sentinel: The rural swain who
spoils $25 suit of clothes trying to-
climb a creased pole after $5 green
back, hath philosophy very like that of
the merchant who loses 81 900 profits
in trade to save 800 in advertising ex-
penses.
In the police court-Justice Ito ac-
cused, charged with drunkenness):
But, man, can you not reform? For
my part, | can't conceive how one can :
keep on drinking after he has quenched
his thirst" Accused: Thin, yer Honor,
what ilse is there to tell man from a
baste?''
BRIDGEPORT Standard: A Main Street
man stood inside the blinds the other
day and spent fifteen minutes trying to
brush streak of sunshine off his pants
with the clothes-brush, before he discov
cred what it was. He was so mad then
that he jawed his wife, whipped three of
the children and sulked all the rest of
the day.
"THE crime of obtaining money under
false pretenses, has greatly diminished
within the last few years." said police
justice to country friend. Glow do
you account for that?'' asked the friend.
Easily enough" replied the justice.
You see the fact is, in these hard times
it is almost impossible to obtain money
under any pretense."
NEW YORK Commercial Advertiser:
"There's some mind in this boy of
yours" said the new pastor, stopping by
the roadside and stroking the curly pate
of youngster whose father, one of the
parishioners, was blowing in the ad-
joining field. "And SO there be, too,''
replied the rustic, greatly tickled; "and
SO there be sir; you'd just ought to see
how he can mind sheep"
WE may walk till we reach the rainbow's end,
Yet find not land SO drear,
But hath its loves, and its sodded graves
Its lager and ginger beer.
We may squint through the Stats of open blinds,
Who fail when the " old man - taps at the door,
Toeach takea different chair.
The adage is true, that youthful tree
viii grow in the way it is bent,
And buyers and sellers morally sure
To gobble the extra half cent
-FuHon Times
THE maddest man in Burlington lives
out on Fifth Street. Last Sunday night
he had club in his hand and was chas-,
ing a cat across the back yard, and
never noticed the pump-handle sticking
out straight in front of him, until he
was wrapped around it. Then it was
too late to do any good, and by the time
he had gathered strength enough to fall
to the ground the cat was only mile
and half this side of the north star
A RHEUMATIC old gentlemen, whose
son was careless about shutting the
one cold day, when he had left the door
swinging wide, "See here, young man,
you leave that door open too muchp'
much open shall leave it?' al mean
you leave it open too oftenr' Numbered
the old gentleman. "Oh, well, how
often shall leave it open?' politely in
uuired the son. The father did not dare
trust himself to reply.
WORCESTER Press: One day the sex
ton was standing on the church steps
wiping his melancholy features with a
red bandana. A hearse stood near and
three or four carriages were drawn up
behind it. The notes of the organ fiOated
out of the window with solemn effect.
A stranger came along and said: g Fu-
neral?' And the old sexton gravely
bowed his head-it was. "Who's dead? ?'
The old man again wiped his brow and
gave the name of the deceased. "What
complaint ?' asked the inquisitive stran-
ger. Solemnly placing his bandana in
his hat and covering his bald head, the
old sexton made answer: :" There is no
complaint; everybody is entirely salts
fed"