Connecticut western news., 1877-09-14
HUMOROUS.

CONTRACTION AND ExPANs1oN.-Johr Henry was with Julia the other even. ing, when she observed.
 ''John dear what is all this talk abou contracting and expanding the currency and which do you believe imp
 "Well, my sweet," sad John, pull ing up his collar, ''that depends on cir. cumstances. In some cases 1 should advocate contraction of the currency and in others an expansion of it.. It is according to the circumstances-that k the condition of things.'
 "But what is the difference between the two, and how do circumstances effect them? That's what I want tc know, John?"
 "Oh, that's easily explained," said John, in a tone of great cheerfulness "For instance-when we are alone we both sit on one chairs don't we?'
 "Yes'"
 "Well, that's contraction. But wher we hear your pa or ma coming we get on two chair, don't we?'
 ''I should say we did,"
 "Well, my love, that is expansion So you see it is according to circum stances"
 "John," said she, very softly, bur rowing under her ears, we are contract ing now, ain't we?''
 'You bet," said John, with increased cheerfulness.
 A RHEUMATIC old gentleman, whose son was careless about shutting the front door after him, called out to hin one cold day, when he had left the dool swinging wide, "See here, young man you leave that door open too much r "Do 2'' was the response. Then how much open shall leave it?" "I near you leave it open too often!" thundereC the old gentleman. "Oh, well, how often shall 1 leave it open?" politely inquired the son. The father did mol dare trust himself to reply.
 CARE there many professors of reli zion at your college, James?" solemnly asked the deacon of his nephew, wh( had just got home from his freshman musingly; "we've got Professor O. parative Conchology; in fact, Profes sors of almost everything else; bu (with wink) I don't recall any Pro lessor of Religion among the faculty The old man holds up his hands, aston ished.
 "BoY," SAID a gentleman to tn, hOstler of hotel on alighting from hi phaeton, "extricate that quadrupet from the vehicle, stabulate him, donate him an adequate supply of nutritious allment, and when the aurOra or morn inO shall aroir film fn ha to horizon 1 will award thee pecuniary compensation for thine amiable hospi tality." The boy ran into the hous, and told his master that a Dutchmar wanted to see him.
 MINISTERS will have their little joke like other people. "Come over anC preach for me tonight" said Chicago divine to clerical friend whom he me in the street not many days since. |" can't tonight" was the reply, CT an almost down sick with the headache , "Well," drolly observed the other. (. guess you can do it; for if you preacI as you usually do, you won't have to use your head any,"
 "WELL, doctor," said man with bouncing toothache, who had beer standing in dentists office for an houl and half for his turn to come, ''Well doctor, you keep your patients waiting a good while, don't your" tOh, yes, , replied the doctor, significantly jinglins his forceps, "but then, the old adagt says, a patient waiting is no loss,' you know"
 "SEE them stylish cascades!" ex claimed Mrs. Veneering at Watkin' Glen, and straightway she fell over ; twenty-foot precipice and shook hersel up terribly. She arose, arranged hel furbelows. and said: ''I ain't got nc more enthusiasm for Nature in me, you kin bet!'
 A BROAD HINT.-An English traveller Qo Irish railway porter labelling lug gage): "Don't you keep a brush fol that work, Porter?" Porter: "Shure your honor, our tongues are the only instruments we're allowed. But they're asy kep' wet, your hOnor!" Hint taken -Punch.
 THEY have curious way of deciding law suits in Siam. Both parties are put under cold water, and the one that en. dures it the longest wins the suit. Ir this country both parties get into hot water, but the result is the same.
 A FRENCHMAN, writing letter ir English to friend, and looking in the diction for the word "preserve" and finding it meant pickle, wrote as fol. lows:-''May you and your family be pickled to all eternity"
 JERRoLD once went to a party al which Mir. Pepper had assembled his friends, and said to his host on entering the room, My dear Pepper, how glad you must be to see your friends mustered.'
 A BRIGHT BOY recently told his teacher there were three sects: the male sect, the female sect, and insects
 "LooK HERE, printer, you have not punctuated my poem at all. "Well sir, am not pOinter-I'm a setter.''
 CoDFIsH aristOcracy should have their pictures all painted in oil.
 THE collar y is raging among fast young men.
 Never Forget Anything.
 A successful business man told me tbara y,o,.o t,,ro 1> Io..., :.