The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1877-07-19
COUSIN SALLY DILLARD.
A STORY THAT MUST NOT DIE

by Hamilton G. Jones, of North Caro-
lima, nearly half q century ago. and the
public can enjoy a hearty laugh over
its Observation-Disclosures at least
once year. 1t purports to be a re-
port of the testimony of witness in a
case before one of the courts of that
State, and is as follows:
A beardless disciple of Themis
arises and thus addresses the court !:
May it please your worship ahd you,
gentlemen of the jury, since it has
been my fortune (goed or bad, l will
not say0 to exercise in legal disquisi-
tion, it has never befallen me to be
obliged to prosecute SO dlrefnlly mark
ed an assault. A more willful, vio-
lent and dangerous battery, and final
1y more diabolical breach of the
peace, has seldom ever happened in
a civilized country, and 1 dare say it
seldom has been your duty to pass up
on one so shocking to benevolent feel
ings as this which took place over at
Captain Rice's, in this county; but
you will hear from the witnesses"
The witnesses being sworn, two or
three were examined and deposed.
One said that he heard the noise, but
did not see the fight; another that he
saw the row, but did not know who
struck first; another that he was very
drunk and couldn't say anything
about the skrimage.
Lawyer Chops-"I am sorry, gen.
tIemen, to have occupied your tine
with the stupidity of the witnesses
examined. 1t ARISES, gentlemen, al
together from Misrepresentation on
my part. Had known as 1 do, that
had witness who was acquainted
with all the circumstances of the case,
and who was able to make himself un-
derstood to the court and jury,
should not have tresspassed so long
on your patience. Come forward, Mr..
Harris, and be sworn"
So forward comes the witness, fat,
chuGy old man, 'leetel" corned, and
took his oath with an air.
Chops -.'Harris,w we wish you to tell
us about the riot that happened the
other day at Captain Rice's, and as a
good deal of time has already been
spent in circumlocutioD,w we wish to be
commendous, at the same time as ex-
plicit as possible"
Harris-"Adzactly, giving the law
yer knowing wink at the same time
clearing up his throat.) Capt. Rice
he gin treat, and Couzin Sally Dill
lard she comes over to my house and
axed me if my wife she moutn't 90.
/ told Couzin Sally billiard my wife
was poorly,as how she had touch of
rheumatic in the hip, and the big
swamp was up in the road, there hay
ing been great deal of rain lately,
but however, as it was she, Couzin
Sally billiard, my wife she mout go.
Well, Couzin Sally billiard then axed
me if Nose he moutn't go. 1 told
Couzin Sally billiard that he was the
foreman of the crap, and the crap was
smartly in the grass, but however, as
it was she, Couzin Sally billiard, Nose
he mout CO."
Chops-"In the name of common
sense, Mr.. Harris, what do you mean
by this rigmarole ?"
Witness-"Captafn Rice he gin
treat, and Couzin Sally billiard she
come over to my house and axed me
if my wife she moutn't go, and told
COuzin Sally Dillard-"
Chops-"Stop, if you please; we
don't want to hear about Couzin Sally
billiard or your wife. Tell us about
the fight at Rice's."
Witness-"Well, / will, sir, if you'll
let me-"
Chops-"Well, sir, go on"
Witness-"Well, sir, Captain Rice
he gin treat, and Couzln Sally Dill
lard she come over to my house and
axed me if my wife she moutn't 60"
Chops-"Hear it is again. Witness
please to stop"
Witness-"Well sir, what do you
want"
Chops-"We want to know about
the fight; and you must not proceed
in this impertient story. Do you
know anything about the matter
now before the court 2"
Witness-s'To besure I do"
Chops-"Well, go on, then, and tell
it and nothing else"
Witness-"WelI, Captain Rice he
gin treat"
Chops-''This ls intolerable. May
it please the court, / move that the
witness be committed for contempt.
He seems to betrifling with theicourt"
Court-"Witness. you are before
court Of justice, and unless you be-.
have yourself in a more becoming
manner you will be sent to jail; SO
begin and tell me what you know
about the fight at Rice's."
Witness-"Well, gentlemen, Capt. |
Rice he gin a treat, and Couzin Sally |
DilIard-"
Court-(Afer delibcrating). "Mr.
Attorney, the Court is of the opinion |
that we may save time by letting the |
witness go on his own way. Proceed,
Mr.. Harris, with your story, but stick
to the subject"
Witness-"Ycs, gentlemen. Well,
Capt. Rice he gin treat, and Couzin
Sally billiard come ouer to our house
and axed me if my wife she moutn't
90. told Couzin Sally billiard that
my wife she was poorly, being as how
she had the rheumatics in her hip, and
Lhe big swamp was mp; however, as