davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1877-11-07

A-LFEN Il, MI
Select and Original.
Joint occupation-carvihg.
A place for relectiCn-the mir
ror.
Two button kids--a young goat
fight.
Hotel keepers are people we
have to "put up with"
1t was a backward debtor who
said: "The dues you say"
The Car thinks that Turkey
hasn't had enough dressing.
Mean speed according to Punch,
is running away FROM ones credi-
tors.
A suffering professor says:--
"The Dog Star is no star at all. 1t
is p-p-pub-planet."
Singular that the Tallman Sem
mary, in New Jersey, should be a
school for young ladies.
Why do we call love affection ?
Because it disease and good
many people are affected by it.
Sometimes man serves his
country best by making his best
time out of it.-Worcester Press.
When Virginia gentleman asks
another to drink he blankly says:
"Shall we give the public debt
lift" And they lift.
Agony personified-A bachelor
editor trying to prepare an able
and judicious article on a baby
show.-Worcester Press.
When a young lady offers to
hem a cambric handkerchief for a
rich bachelor, depend upon it she
means to sew in order that she
may reap.
II have never known but two
women who were really perfect"
said a French lady to another
Who was the other!" asked her
companion.
Highwayman-"You don't re-
cognize meY Why, you defended
me and got me off at the last as
sizes. Thanks to you l have been
enabled to resume my vocation.
Your money or your life."
A Kentucky man who went to
the Black Hills wrote back to q
local paper, saying: "Offer pre-
MUM at your coming fair for the
biggest fool in the country, and Ill
try and and get there in time
When the substantials of the
dinner had been disposed of by
| the visitors, Mrs. Clementina FL
della Dobbs said to her hired girl,
Now, Betty, you may bring on
the Sahara" "Mum :" "The des-
sert, stupid" Yes, num-"
1t is q common proverb, and in
deed it is the creed of the hom9-
pathist, that like cures like. But
there is one thing as to which neith-
er homepathist nor allopathist has
pronounced an opinion, and that is,
what cures dislike Judy.
81 was born in Bath" said
dirty looking customer, as he ha-
raugued crowd at political meet
ing, "and / love my native place"
"You don't look as If you had ever
been there since," said one of his
his hearers, as he proceeded to laud
an opposition candidate.
Recently a newly married cou-
ple were in store on State street
looking for suitable ornaments to
adorn their rooms. The young
wife was quite pleased with the
picture entitled, "SufIer little child
rem to come unto me-" which they
bought.-Newburyport Hearld.
Wife-"Well, Jones, judging
from your breath, can't really tell
whether you have been drinking
whisky, or whether you have been
swimming in it." Husband ire
proachfully)-"Hannah, don't you
-hic-love me well enough to GIN.
me-hic-the benefit of the doubt =
A regular Hercules is brought
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1877-11-07

~ was born in Bath" said a
dirty looking customer, as he ha-
raugued crowd at a political meet
ing, "and / love my native place"
"You don't look as If you had ever
been there since," said one of his
his hearers, as he proceeded to laud
an opposition candidate.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1877-11-07

1t is a common proverb, and in
deed it is the creed of the hom9-
pathist, that like cures like. But
there is one thing as to which neith-
er homepathist nor allopathist has
pronounced an opinion, and that is,
what cures dislike Judy.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1877-11-07

When the substantials of the
dinner had been disposed of by
the visitors, Mrs. Clementina FL
della Dobbs said to her hired girl,
Now, Betty, you may bring on
the Sahara" "Mum 7" 1.-THE des-
sert, stupid" Yes, num-"
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1877-11-07
Sold by Sub
scription.
Flint & Pere Marquette R. R.

The shortest quickest. and most reliable route
TO and fIOm Detroit, Toledo, Cleveland, Ciuciu-
natl, Saginaw and Bay City.
GOING EAST, SOUTH AND WEST.
Leave Alpena daily, except sunday, by Apena
and Bay City liue of steamers at 200 a, IA.
BAY CITY.
Leave. Arrive.
Detroit Express, II 35am SIS pm
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For further particulars see smsll bills.
AL trains run by Detroit Time.
SANFORD KELLER, Assistant Sup't
J. Z. NoURsE, General Ticket Agent
A. i. FLETCHER,
General Ticket Agent, Alpena, Mich
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1877-11-07

A Kentucky man who went to
the Black Hills wrote back to q
local paper, saying: "Offer a pre-
MUM at your coming fair for the
biggest fool in the country, and I'll
try and and get there in time"
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1877-11-07

When q Virginia gentleman asks
another to drink he blankly says:
"Shall we give the public debt a
liftY And they lift.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1877-11-07

Agony personified-A bachelor
editor trying to prepare an able
and judicious article on a baby
Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1877-11-07

When a young lady offers to
hem a cambric handkerchief for a
rich bachelor, depend upon it she
means to sew in order that she
NAV raap
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1877-11-07

II have never known but two
women who were really perfect"
said French lady to another
Who was the other!" asked her
companion.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1877-11-07

Highwayman-"You don't re-
cognize meG Why, you defended
me and got me off at the last as
sizes. Thanks to you l have been
enabled to resume my vocation.
Your money or your life."
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1877-11-07

Sometimes a man serves his
country best by making his best
time out of it.-Worcester Press.
Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1877-11-07

Why do we call love affection |?
Because it a disease and a good
many people are affected by it.
Connecticut western news., 1877-02-02
S1ovENLY GRAMMAR It is impe ssible {,

SLovENLY GRAMMAR Tt is imps ssible to make au angel of lady who perslstently uses bad grammar. No matter how pretty she may be, or how attractive Ill outside appearance all that goes to naught if she Says ''Guod morrln'" !" and '.Guod evenin'" Suppose she comes like the Queen of Sue ba. with very great train, aud fails 10 put obj ,,ct:ves after her propositions, will it not mar the glory oi her coming serious lI. should woman be called graceful, who constantly stumbles over her fnal conso- ,an,s, and says ''Lemme go," ''a good 'eal," "firs' rate" "han' me that blotten pa- per" It's pleasant thing to hear from the lips of your own sweetheart, your own es- pecially beloved one, that she resolutely de clined young Phi,kin's invitation to the theatre but when the artless maid half closes her eyes and murmers "If he ca,ne tor me in golden chariot, would nn, have went !" you dunt feel SO comfortable, SD n' glgeLt fly at ease as you were before that last remark of Araminta's, Women should not deceive themselves. The most uncOuih, illterate man knows what elegant and correct English is, when he hears ii. He may not De able to string three words correctly himself, but he sniffs the harmo- ny of .ounded sentence from sfar. lii s inStinotive.
Connecticut western news., 1877-02-02
Running i'm Debt.

l dwell on this point for would dete,
 others from entering thatplace of torment.
 half the young men in this country, with
 many old enough to know better, woul,
 go into business--that is into debt-to. morrow. if they could. Most men are g,
 ignorant as to envy the merchant or the
 manufacturer. whose lite Is an incessanl struggle with pecuuiary difficulties, who is driven to constant ''shinning," and who. rom month to month, barely evades th, insolvency, which sooner or later oyer lakes m ost men in business SO that 1t has been computed that but one man in twenty achieves 8 pecunlary success. For m, own part, l would rather be a convict II, the State prison, slave in a rice swamp. than to pass through life under the harrow of debt. Let no young man misjudge him. self unfortunate or truly poor, SO long as b, has the fu use of his limbs and faculties, and in substantially tree from debt. Hun ger, cold. Tags, hard work, contempt, sus- p'cion, unjust reproach, are disagreeat l. :, tut debt IS infinitely worse than them all. Ana Ii 1t had plrased God 10 spare either or all ot my sons to be !he support of ny declining years. the lesson which l should most eaInestly seek to impress upon then Is ''never run in debt" Avoid pecuuiar, obligations as you would pestilence or fam inc. If you hay fifty cents and eau g,l no more for a week. buy peck of corn, parch 1t and live on It rather than owe a dollar. Of course know that some men must do business that involves risk, an. must give notes or other obligations, and l do not consider him in debt, who can la, his hands directly on the means of paying ut some little sacrifice. all he owes; speak of real debt-that which involves risk or sacrihce on the one side, obligation and dependence on the 'other-and I sa, from all such, let every youth humbly pra, God to preserve him evermore, Horace Greeley.
Connecticut western news., 1877-02-02

VILLAGE DRAINAGE Mass, is
 being dram by system of small, six inch, tight sewer pipes, which lead from the houses along the streets, to 8 large tank in the open fields. This tank has capaci- ty of three or fous thousand gallons, and is self acting in that it will supply itself,. by means of syphon, into s system of Gistrl- outing drains, some ten thousand feet in united length. laid at d, pth of one foot beneath the surface of the ground. The distribution drains are porous land tile laid with open joints, so that the sewage is ab sorbed intO the soll which is enriched there by and fitted for the glowlh of grass and similar crops. Provision is made for the disposal of the sewage by surface Irrigation ut any time when fire, zlDg might prevent the working of the sub-;rrigation. though in similar systems in use in the north it has been shown that the sewage keeps the soil warm enough to prevent fret zipg in the imm. dlate vicinity or the drains sufficient to absorb all the sewage. It is Said that this system is perfectly odorless, and tx animation of the soil recclv ng the sewage for six years have failed to show any accu- mutation of filth. An essential part of the system is, that beside the sewer pipes lead ing to the reservoir tank are laid land-tile to provide for the drainage of the land. At stated intervals are water tanks which receive the clear water from the tile, and discharge when full, by automatic action into the sewage pipes, thus cleansing them with rush of clear water, and prevents the deposition of St diment. This is the patented system of Mir. Rogers Field; leading sanitary engineer of England. who. however, valves his right of royalty in ia. vor of Lenox, as this is it's first in.roduc- ton to thus country. Colonel George E. Waring has charge of the work. for which he Is we'll fitted by his travels, study. and experience.
Connecticut western news., 1877-02-02

YE SLIPPERY CHRONICLES. And firs there descended a rain and it frog; there was ice on sidewalk aud doorstep. Acc every way was made slippery. Tue peopl, irod circumspiciously.
 Aud the steps leading up to the habita tions of those who owelt on Fifth avenue were likewise icy. For ''Oid Probabilities hath no respect of persons.
 And at early morn Brown. the servan, of Smith. mighty dealer in four. who's, silver and gold could not be counted, be- cause he owed it all to others. Brown wen, forth at dawn. And Brown, the butler, slipped on the steps and he fell bumpity. bump even unto the bottom. Then he picked himself up aud swore and returned |" the house with reut garment.
 And Sarah, the handmaiden, she went forth at the call of the milkman. She also slipped on the prepared steps. She went bumpity-bump even unto the bottom. And the pitcher was broken and the milk split :.
 And at the ninth hoHr old Smith went forth. He was clad in purple aud fine linen. He was going to the market place to buy and sell and get gain. And lo ! pride had fall, and Siniih. even old Smith fell the diverse way from headlong and went bump-i-iy-bump to the bottom. And he vas sorely wounded. Neither would he afterwards sit down, and he refused to be cOmfortcd And all that day he made It rough even for tLose who owed him shek- els. He suid unto them all. "pay me what thou owest or 1 foreclose on tn. G." For his heart ached grievously.
 My people are not wlse My people do not consider. They should have GAS, dust and ashes upon their walks For the wise man foreseeth slippery evil aud taketh it by the horns. But the simple pass on and go bumpi-ty-bump even unto the bottom. The daughter of the house of Smith, too. She was far to look upon. Yet she went forth this morn. and even she, clad in cost Iy furs and skins, went like the rest, bump l-ty-hump to the bottom.
 My people did not consider. 30 they all went bump-i-ty-bump to the bottom.-N. 7. Graphic.
Connecticut western news., 1877-02-02

RE cRlPR FOR "GAY SLEIGH RIDE "- Ten young couples. Que iou-horse out nt with drver. Que nIght colder than tIiz- en. Que mile of merriWt nt. Ten il, pf nearly frog D 10 death One chilly dance hall. Que drunken fiddl r. Three .murs of IL hl tsniastIc toe, Supper for
 twenty-five. First cuurse-luk, warm milk 'nd water that has been bath, d m hy an
 'yst r. Second cOuIse-sanie ss first,- Oesscrt-country Air and ice. Th, party 5 now bait through. Next come mule more sqeaky fiddle and balancing aroun'. Then All hanGs aboard for home. Colder drive than ever. All sitting in the slelvh- h'x. Driver loos,s hls way. YouDa men crawl out ana swear Glrs cty, Home d last -four o'ciocK in ihe morning. Nur. I: leu Collars apiece out oi pocket. Nine frz'n eaIs Twenty played-nut people ot both s, X, s. Four usrd up horses ana lot of 1ouug liars, who go round usxt day and Say they had ''m-nse lime."
 Erchanoe
 When young man sits down on a slip oery pavement with such violence as to barely escape swallowing the roof of his mouth. there is nothing that will so power fully prompt him to give indications of naving done 1t on purpose. ss the satistac- ton depicted on tue sweet face at the win dow opposite.
 A bachelor returning from 8 hall in a crowded coach. declared with groan that he bad not the slightest objection to ''rings "n bis fingers" but he had most une. quivocal aversion 10 '.Beles on his toes"
 A young lady sent poem to. British wspaper, entitled Il could not make him smlle." The beast of sn Editor ventund 10 xpress an opinion thai she would have sue cseded had she shown him the poem.
 whenever man who has been arrested Tor being 'tiphr calls ut a N,w Orleans newspapar flee, and asks to have his name suppressed, they call it suppressed Tlghtem," aud publish il anyhow.
 Mdlle. Thrrese Jakonbovitsch is the new Russian pisnistr. who has just made ner debut in N,w York. To prcpuunce hrr name right. you stand n your head, kick violently with your left foot. wave your hands, and speak through your nose.
 It is no use for man to put his watch nnoer his pillow before going to shep. Waking up in the night, he cannot tell hls Watch ticking from his bed-licking.
 ''Mister, I say. don't suppose you oon', suow of anybody what don't want to hire aohody to do no,hia' don't you ?" The answer was Yes don't" asar
Connecticut western news., 1877-02-02
4lrw Adrerti5rments.
FOR SALE.

M HOUSE and OUT-BUIIB1NGS located ASA near the staiion known as the Stare Line Siation on the Connecticut Western taill Oad. The main builuiilY is ccnetluctrd for and Is now occupied as dwclinS hu1se. and rertau- faht. lt is very conveniently heated foI bu-iness near the at'"D, and asn no compel itlon hHiever. will sel ~ith the bui .dihgs. much land ar the purchaser may desire The terms oi payment VIII be made ensy. If not sold by March lst, 1877 it will be for rent a"
 ALStss vii sell at very reasonable igure some very ch ice building lots near that station q d which aie bounded asI on heve. failing stream of V aier, and which mlght, if desired, be mtliiz d 'or manufacturing purposen. and on tt:e " est bv the khinehe and PouYhke, psie rail roads. and south by C,nnecticht Western railroad, and North on he highway.
 DANIEL COOK.
 Ore Hill, Conn.,, Jan. 25th, 1872. 4ws9s
Connecticut western news., 1877-02-02
Oonnecsieas w.sssrn Nsvvs.

DWDoef1Pe1On AccoRmss-The date on the Soi1reo snP oi paper with the name oi the sui. scrpet. shows the time e0 which ehas nsan cnARSAo@ Ae R@1Q thus. k. H. SmiIh oJuIt7.
 n1lcs.es tnSt Ar. smith has paid for In. paper lu "uv ssn, 4S5. It h hoped that subscrlbefr will see to It that their account, ss indicated by the uSte on tnelr papers, Is always corrUct, and whel they pay lof renewal oi thelr subsCrlptiou, VIII the proper credit ana in the eyenf of sn srr0r a. InloEm ue !or rcorrecti0n At once. No clsinlp loa sLL0Fs ln these accounts will hereafter be consid 3aAys after the payment is clsiuSed tu nave h.s. 'nAoe ae tne regular receipt the paper with the IAte to which the subscription is psld plainly ceptanee as correct. !. U. PxAsR-
Connecticut western news., 1877-02-02

At East Ltchheld, Jan. 18th Henry T. Went worth, formerly of salisbury), aged 60 yeare.
 At Wellington, Ohio. Jan. |. | s77 Lorenzo Roys. aged 55 years native Of South Norfolk.
 At Harwinton, Jan. si, Frederick L. Catlin, aged 82. ' At Unionvile, Jan. 2t, of Bright's disease of the Kidneys, Luther T. Parsons, aged 6i years
 At New Marlboro, Mass. Jan o. William H. Hubbard. Principal of South Berkshire Institute. aged 66 years.
 At Sheffield. Jan. 29. Mrs. Joseph Huggins, aged a0 years.
Connecticut western news., 1877-02-02
The Early Bird.

Poor foolish worm ! if he had laiu Snug in his earthly bed. That early fowl had never made,
 A breakfast of it's head. At noon. no doubt, the bird had sought Some distant forest bough And if the worm had slept till then, He might have lived till now. Take warning, early risers, sll;,
 And heed the lesson taught; The worm that lies in bed Is safe The carly soorm is caught.
Connecticut western news., 1877-02-02
A MASSACHUSETTS MAN's W1LL,-A

A MASSACHUSETTS MAN's VILLA will has recently been filed in the Probate Court at Dedham, Mass, which for nicety of de- tail,,is most notable. The widow is to have the use of part of her house and the front garden, one stall in the barn and sto- rage for hay over the said stal tour cords of wood yearly, the use of the kitchen stove and furniture, and one seat in the pew of certain church in M, dway. on condition of her paying one fourth the tax on the same. Each bequcst contains the proviso ''as long as she remains widow" and finally directs her to surrender every thing in case she eyer marries again.
Connecticut western news., 1877-02-02
8nuue 8ems.

sss We shAllfes greatly obliged to any oe ou friends in the eounty .of elsewhere, who wtlasend ue particulars efany oecarfsncshof fintsrestWh |nayeome under then notics. @ /
Connecticut western news., 1877-02-02

We are informed by postmasters the fol- towing named subrclibers have left the placer where they have been regularly receiving IHA NEWS, and as they did not notify us Of their change of pOst-Ot1ce. aud are in arrears to the amounts placed parallel W lth their names we pub. isn tnelr only a0uress known lO us, 8nd if any Oi .uf readers know Of the whereabouts 0f any O, mem, they Will do us favor by informing us.- As It exactly HONEST creRLmeus. to receive A newr- paper tili several dollsrc are que. then leave
 nc postmaeter bo inform the paper ir not r.. SelVeo, and the subscriber gone, nobody knUws "heret The following Lave done this: Does AnVbtldY knalyn vhspo
Connecticut western news., 1877-02-02

TIE CHEAT Snow SroRMs.-The presen; winter promises to be as remarkable for il. severity and for the heavy fall of snow over large part of the country, as the las, summer was for its extreme and protracteC heat. The Rochester Express of the 18th says: ''The present winter thus far, has had no parallel in the history of railroad travel In this country. The people in city ana country have known nothing to compare with it for half . century. It is safe to say that during the passage from RochesteI to Buffalo there is not . solitary houst along the line of the Central road that is not nearly half concealed amid the sur rounding snow. The highways look as i, no travellers had passed over them for for weight hours, while most of them do nos look as if any vehicle, man or beast, hs0 trsversed them for week. Not 8 living person, except the railroad Workmen witL their shovels, is to be seen except at ex. tremely rare intervals. No person who hse not actually passed over the ground, Cal have an adequate conception of the sp- pearance of utter desolation which tL. country presents between Rochester anu Buffalo"
 The Western North Carolina Railroad has been grestly impeded by snow. Tue train which left Henry's Monday morning, reached Salisbury, distance of 117 miles. Fiiday night at 12 o'clock. Major Rollins, the president of the road, states that in many places the snow had drifted to the depth of fifteen and twenty feet. Four miles below Old Fort, on Monday; the en- zine got out of water, the locomotive was cut loose and started to the tank which was about three miles distant. About halt way 1t ran into Q snow drift. and could neither 90 forward or backward. Bound fast bs the snow, the engineer and his party re- mained on the track the whole of that night with no covering save their ordinary clothing, no shelter except what was offer cd by the cab, and no fire except what they could keep in the furnace of the engine by burning such fence rails and other wood as they could dig out of the snow. The ther. mometer was IS degrees below zero.
 The Railroads East and West, North and South. have been obstructed by the heavy enoWs.
Connecticut western news., 1877-02-02
BORN.
DIE D.

At Canaan, Jan. sb, a son to J. Rodemeyer,
Connecticut western news., 1877-02-02
Report of the Condition

The NATIONAL IRON BANK. at FALLS VII. LACE, in the State of Connecticut. at the close of business on the 20. day of Jan. 1877.
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