The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1877-01-17
Mark Twain on Yankee Weather.

Mark Twain on Yankee Weather.
) Responding at :, New England din
ner to the toast of ssThe Oldest Inhab-
ltant-the Weather." Mark Twain
delivered one Of his drollest after-din-
ner speeches, of which the following
is an abstract:
81 reverentely believe that the Maker
who made us all makes everything in
New England but the weather. l
don't know who makes that. but I
think it must be raw apprentices IN
the Weather Clerks factory, who ex-
pertinent and learn how in New Eng
land for board and clothes, and then
are prompted to make weather for
countries that require a good article,
and will take their custom elsewhere
if they don't get it. Laughter. There
is a sumptuous variety about New Eng
land weather that compels the stran-
gers admiration--and regret. Laugh
teri The weather is always doing
something there; always attending
strictly to business ; always getting up
new designs and trying them on the
people to see how they will go. But
it gets through more business in spring
than in any other season. In the
spring I have counted 1876 different
kinds of weater inside of four-and-
twenty hours. Laughter.] 1t was
that made the fame and fortune of
that man that had that marvellous COL
lection of weather on exhibition at the
Centennial that 50 astounded the
foreigners. He was going to travel
all over the world and get specimens
from all the chimes. I said,
Don't you do it; you come to
New England on favorable spring
day. told him whatSwe could do in
the way of style, variety, and quantity
Lauudter. Well, he came, and he
made his collections in four days.
"Old Probabilities has mighty rep.
utation for accurate prophecy, and
thoroughly we'll deserves it. Yet take
up the papers, and observe how crisp
ly and confidently he checks off what
to.day's weather is going to be on the
Pacific, down South, in the Middle
States, snd in the Wisconsin region.
He doesn't know what the weather is
going to be in New England. He muffs
over it, and by and by he gets out
something like this: Probable nor
east to sou'we winds, varying to the
southwark, and westward, and east.
ward, and points between high and
low barometer, sweeping around from
place to place probable areas of rain,
snow, hail, and drought, succeeded or
preceded by earthquakes, with thun-
der and lightning. Laughter and ap-
plause. Then he jots down this post
script from his wandering mind to
cover accidents: ''But it is possible
that the programme may be wholly
changed in the meantime Laugh.
ter
Il could speak volumes about the
inhuman perversity of New England
weather, but will give but single
specimen. I like to hear rain on tin
roof, so I covered part of my roof with
tin, with an eye to that luxury. Well,
sir, do you think it ever rains on the
tin? No, sir !; skips it every time.
Laughter.l
eff we had not our bewitching au-
tumn foliage, we should still have to
credit the weather with one feature
which compensates for all it's bullying
vagaries.--the ice storm,-when 4
leafless tree is clothed with ice from
the bottom to the tep,-ice that is as
bright and clear as crystal; every bougn
and tWig is strung with ice-beads,
frozen deW.drops, and the whole tree
sparkles, cold and white, like the Shah
of Persia's diamond plume. Applause.
Then the wind waves the branches, and
the sun comes out and turns all those
myriads of beads and drops to prisms,
that glow, and hum, and flash with all
manner of colored fires, which change
and change again, with inconceivable
rapidity, from blue to red, from red
to green, and green to gold; the tree
becomes a sparkling fountain, a very
explosion Of dazzling jewels; and it
stands there the acme, the climax, the
svpremest possibility in art or nature
of bewildering Intoxicating, intolera-
BILE magnifcence One cannot make
the words too strong. Long-contin-
ned applause.
"Month after month 1 lay up hate
and grudge against the New England
weather but, when the ice.storm
comes at last, say, There, 1 forgive
you now the books are square be.
tween us you don't owe me 4 cent;
go and sin no more your little faults
and foibles count for nothing; you are
the most enchanting weather in the
world y" Applause and laughter.1
... Never Too Late to Learn.