The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1877-08-23
THE sun is the Oldest and best tan

|
selves dislike.
company is to say witty things your
self, or sit still and listen to the witty
things of other people.
! A MAN up in Ohio who attempted
to hang himself recently, was cut down
by his mother-in-law. She wasn't
through with him yet.
JOSH BILLINGS: Nature seldom makes
phool; she simply furnishes the raw
material, and lets the fellow finish
the job to suit himself.
WHITEHALL Times: A fly never feels
| its Importance so much as it does when
| it glides into a human beings mouth
smOthered in huckleberries.
IT does not follow that the acquaint-
ance of bandy-legged men should be
sought more than others, because "a
1 friend in-kneed is a friend indeed"
ON THE STRIKE.
| Strike the lutte, Sir, if you like
Prythee strike the lutte;
Every body's now strike,
Why not follow suit!
| Strike, by all means, the guitar;
| Strike, besides, the either;
Strike them often if you
| Such frequent hitter
| But--you'll pardon the reminder
From an humble bard?-
Strike OH strike the oTgan-grinder;
| Strike him very hard!
| Boston Globe
SOME somber man on the Pacific
Coast rises up suddenly, and remarks
that the Government is going for the
| Crow Indians /" for caws." Put him
out.
NEW YORK Herald: A landlady said
that she didn't know how to make both
ends meet "Well," said a boarder,
"why don't you make one end vege-
tablesP'
THE most recent case of absence of
mind is that of an editor who copied
from a hostile journal one of his own
articles and headed it GA Wretched
Attempt at Witt
"WHAT I object to- said a Texas
horse-thief, as he was about to be drawn
up, "is your hanging me here in the
sun when there's plenty of shade close
by; however, go ahead"
A MICHIGAN father writes to the fac
ulty of Yale: "What are your terms
for year? And does it cost anything
extra if my son wants to learn to read
and write as well as to row boat?'
"IN the sentence, John strikes Will
liam,'" remarked school-teacher yes
terday, "What is the object of strikes?'
Higher wages and shorter runs"
promptly replied the intelligent pupil.
"PAY me that 6-and-S pence you owe
me, Mr.. Mulrooney," said village at
torney. "For what?' "For the
opinion you had of me-" "Faith L
never had any opinion of you in all my
life"
THE look backwards that a woman
gives after another woman who has
passed her with a new bonnet on is
in noble contrast to the backward glance
she slings after the young man in uni
form.
IT is very, very sad when an absent
minded young man is asked at a church
| festival what he'll have, and answers:
" Beer" But it's just as bad when he
tries to suck up his ice cream with a
straw.
AN Irish friend, who never reads the
papers, says he hears that the Turks are
bombarding Kalafat from Widin, and
he can't understand it, for he thought
they always bombarded a city from
"widout"
| AN lD1L OF The SEA.
| They sat on the broad veranda
| O'erlooking the moonlit sea,
| And from out on the dancing waters
| Came floating sound OF gee
But suddenly with it blending
| Came cries of childish woe
| Came the sound of slipper descending
| In measured cadence slow
| There's sauall out there" said a lounger;
| 'Out there on the moonlit seas-n
| "Oh, no; not squal :" said the other;
"'Tis only spanking breeze"
| --NeiC York Commercial AdreTtiSeF.
| HIPPoPoTAMUsEs are down as low as
$4,000 apiece, and a menagerie man
says that this is dirt cheap. But until
they come down to $3.50 they will be
classed among the luxuries in poor
families, who will continue to worry
along with two or three dogs.
| AFELLow can't most always sometimes
tell, and he ought, therefore, to be very.
very careful. As for instance: You
don't know whether the woman standing
in the bay window four squares away is
shaking her handkerchief at you, or only
whipping to death the poor misguided
fly that dropped in to buzz a bit upon
her window pane.
A MAN demanded a free glass of rum
in a Nevada saloon, and did not get it.
Then he said he had never tried it, but
it had been the ambition of his life to
kill a barkeeper; but when the bar
: keeper took out two six shooters and a
!, club the man said he did not mean a
: polite, gentlemanly barkeeper, but one
of those fellows who wore paste dia-
monds and parted his hair in the middle.
!: Or, CITY Derrick: is the Snake