Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1877-03-07
The Hat I'm Church.

deavored to safely dispose of their hats,
there is not one (says a writer in the
Times that has not been proved TO be
fallacious. To mold ones hat cOntinu-
ally in ones lap is practicable only in
a Quaker meeting-hOuse, where the
worshipers remain seated during the
entire service. and never use any devo-
ti0nal implements, such as prayer-b books
and hymn-bOoks. No man could sue
cessfully balance hat in one hand and
find the EDistle for the twenty-second
Sunday after Trinity with the other
hand; while 10 stand up in order to re-
peat the Greed or to sing hymn. with
n hat under his left arm, would be the
height of abSurdity. The hat. then
must be laid entirely aside daring di-
vine service. and our churches, being
constructed with exclusive reference
to souls instead of hats, afford no rest
ing places for the latter.
The extreme danger of placing hat
in the aisle Immediately outside the
pew is universally known. The first
lady that sweeps up the aisle carries
with her a confused mass of defeneeless
hat. which are deposited in the shape
of "A terminal moIaine in the front of
the pew which is her final goal. Of
course the hats which have been sub
jeeted to this process are reduced 10y
attritiOn to a roanded form aud are
covered with scratches, reminding one
of the marks of glacial action on gran
ite boulders. However interesting they
may be to the geologist. they are of no
further value as hats, and can rarely be
bent into a shape that will allow their
owners to wear them home. Next TO
the aisle, the pew-seat is the most dan
gerous position in which q hat can be
placed. Statistics show that out of
every one hundred hats thus situated,
sixty are sat upon by their owners,
thirty-tiye are sat upon 10y other peo-
pie, and only five escape uniujured. 1t
is a curious fact that more men sit down
Gu their hats after repeating the Greed
than after reading the Psalms or per-
forming any other perpendicular part
OF the service; and another curious fact
is the attraction which hat thus ex-
posed upon a seat eIerts upon fat
person. Neither of these facts has ever
been satisfactorily explained, although
they are matters OF great nOtOriety. "A
man may enter a remote pew in a
strange church, and place his ha. on
the seat IN a position where il is impos-
sIbie that fat man could perceive it
on entering the church. Nevertheless,
experience has shown that in six cases
ont of ten the sexton will show a fat
man into that precise pew within ten
minutes after the hat is in position,
while other and further fat men will,
from time to time hover about the To-
cality, with the evident desire of as
certaiuing If the has Is susceptible of
further smashing. There is clearly .
law of nature at work here which needs
TO be definitely Formulated. and it is
discreditable to science that this has
not yet been done.
As to pGtting ones hat on the floor
underneath the seat, no one who follows
this reckless course can expect any
thing but disaster. II there is a small
boy in the pew, he will infIlliabiy dis
cover that hat. aud kick it to the fur
ther end of the pew within the first
thirty minutes of the the service, II
there is lady in the pew. surgical
operation will be required to remove
her boot from the interior of the hat,
while in any event the hat is certain TO
absorb every particle of dust within a
radius of eight feet, and to fasten it
self To the floor with the aid of forgot
ten Sunday school gum drops. Nei-
ther under the seat, on the seat, nor in
the aisle. can the worried hat find rest,
and the plan of establishing a has
pound in the vestibule, where hats
could be ticke;eG and kept during ser
vice, wolld simply result in converting
church into lat exchange. where tie
sinners would secure all the good hats,
and the saints would be compelled to
content themselves with worn out and
worthless Ones.-Home Journal