Smyrna times., 1877-01-03
The Modern Young Man.

:
Church soclables, oyster suppers, parlor
theatrlcalS, theatres, charades, concerts and
lecturers, the young mans world, are all
before him from which to choose. and the
labor OF deciding involves more mental
effort than can readily be expected of anv
one who has to struggle between the pride
consequent upon the sprouting of an in
cipient mOustache and the terror felt lest
his hair should not be properly parted in
the middle. 1t seems almost Incredible to
look at the number of young men who
enter society for the first time, and vet
succeed in surviving and living to a green
old age. The typical American youth who
has screwed his courage up and invited his
dulcln@a to accompany him to a ball given
by the knights of the Golden Horn" or
The Sons of the Orien," Orders which he
has entered through great tribuation, is on
the eventual day on which the feStivel is TO
occur sight for gods and man to moralize
upon. His trspidatiOn when he sallie,
forth to make the purchases necessary for
ms personal adornment is remarked anon
| ny every one in his bolrding-house. The
ordinary breakf fast of liver and bacon has had
no charms for him his coffee has remained
untaSted, and his venerable landlady ba,
hlnted that the season of epdemicsi is aLou,
TO set III and hopes that he has been vac.
clnated. lie enters glove store with a
hesitatlng step, bushes dreadfulv as he
confesses his ignorance as to what size he
generally wears, has dim suspicion that
the lady attendant knows for what purposc
ne Is making the purchase, is cOnsoled when
she smilingly informs him that he has avery
small hand and that sevens will suit him.
and finally selects the oddest looking color
among the various shades presented for his
approval. He is nervous and distracted ali
day, incurS the displeasure of the chief
bookkeeper by his arithmetical inaccuracv,
and when he returns home in the evening
walks at once to his room, lights his candle,
locks the door and prepares himself for the
ordeal. The labor Of finding his studs,
which are lying right in front of him, but
which he IS looking FOR in every impossible
nook and corner, having ended. he grapple,
with perverse necktie, which will persist
in continually sliding up aAHectionately
under his left ear, and mildly blasphemes
the total depravity of a paper collar, which
IS sure to burst its bonds the moment he
sets down to pull on his boots. This last
task Is most herculean one. The force
wasted in pulling on refractory dress boot,
If properly applied, would be interest
ing as question of dynamics, and if the
energy which diffuses itself through the
victims system during the operation, as
exhibited in puffed cheeks, set teeth and
glarng eyeballs, were rightly conserved. its
power would be recognized in the scientif.
community. Having succeeded in squeez
ing hlsteet into them. and feeling that he i,
suffering gself-imposel matyrdoln in presence
OF which that of medieval times would be
mere bagAtelle, and after ripping up his
gloves in the very place where the rent i,
most likely to be seen, he wends his way to
the home of his charmer with hutterinl
at his heart and an aching in his finger
and toes. Arrived there, and after helm.
asked into the parlor, he feels that he Is
the centre of all eyes and the cause OF
much whispering and tittering outside OF
the door, responds feebly to a remark b,
the young lady's mother as to the weather.
and nstinctiyey f0els that he has put his
foot in it when the father asks him who
has been elected, and he replies Hays anu
Tilden. When the young lady fully equip
ped, enters the room, he is uncertain
whether or not, he ought to.shake hands
with her, rises, advances step, hesitates.
retreats, trips over the cat who has placed
herself in his rear, and finally compromise
by sitting down on his hat, which he ha
left on a chair convenient to his own. All
being ready, he prepares to leave, shake.
hands with everybody, including the hire,
girl, who has charge Of the door at his exil
steps down the front steps to the carriage
in waiting, sees that his companion is com
lortably seated, and places himself in tn,
opposite corner on the extreme edge of tn,
cushion. On arriving at the ball room.
after adjusting his hairand patiently waitin;
thirty minutes for his charmer, who ha
simply gone to "fx'' herself, he enters th,
hall confident that fifty pairs Of eyes ar,
gazing upon him, and that, although tryini
to appear graceful and at his ease, he look
like fowl swathed in broadcloth. Tn,
hours pass in alternate dancing, promenad
ing and eating, and the usual amount OF
inane and trivial conversation is indulgeo
in. His dream Of happiness is, however.
soon rudely broken. His charmer accept
that hated fellow, Jones, for her partner il
dance, and at the close he finds the flowe
which was in Jones button hole shining in
her hair. A sickly feeling comes across him
on the way home no words are exchange
between them. lie goes to his couch, bu
not to sleep, and all next day longs for
quiet grave in some shady spot where th'
roses and early yiolets bloom. But he soor
RECEIVERS, eats hearty dinner, and wonder
why he could have been such consum
mate fool.