, 1877-03-05
STREET-CARS.

Important to Horse-Isailroad Patrons
Eo*son Commercial Batiet;n.
We arc inform cd that a new and improved
style of car is being built for one of our street
railways. Every seat will be corner seat with
plenty Of room for gentlemen to put up their
feet, and three feet either side for ladies to
spread their skirts IN:
from the stcdm railways to put Saratoga trunk
under their seat and stick their umbrellas across
the aisle. Each passenger will be provided with
a thermometer on entering the Tar, and the at
mospherc will be fired to suit his ideas OF heat
or culd.
The bell-strap will be within easy reach OF
the passengers, who are requested to amuse
themselves BY pulling 1t at their pleasure. Big
market-bashets- drunken men, and bowling
babies are desired, and will be specially cared
for.
4 thrce-ply carpet will be put down every trip
for all who ap ply for it, and if they prefer in
grain, the company will get 1t if they have to
give in oat for it.
In addition to the ordinary bell-punch, every
passenger who Is not already provided will be
furnished with stick or umbrella to punch the
conductor with when they wish to attract bis at
tention.
Gentlemen wishing to swear at the conductor
or driver will be furnished with printed list OF
choice expietivcs. Smoking will be allowed,
and gentlemen chewing tobacco are ut liberty to
make themselves as disgusting as II they were
at home.
The car will be backed up on demand to any
lady's residence, and the conductor will bring
down the babies and baggage from the fourth
story. People who have got into the wrong
car +" can stop the same On steep grades, cross
iugs, and curves, and receive their money back.
ample time will be afforded lady'l,asscngers
boarding or leaving the car, to take long iare-
we'll Of their friends, and relate the salient
points Of their family history.
The conductors will be uniformed In dress
suits, white kid gloves, aud wear hutton-holc
bouquets.
They will be able to speak all known, and sew
eral unknown, languages, answer al questions
the rancs of all the streets, numbers OF the
houses, and names Of the occupants; able to
tell the time that all steam trains start, and
where they stop; know to minute how long it
will take their cur to reach any given point, and
willing to point out all objects Of interest on the
route They will have eyes in the back OF their
heads and be competent to collect fares, punch
tickets, make change of bank-bills Of any de-
nomination. wait upon passengers INSIDE the
car, start and stop the same, pick up PASSENGERS
at any distance, ut ono and the same time. They
will also checrfully accept the situation that
they steal from the company and eonspire
against the passengers, and will enjoy being
buildozed and nagged by both.
The drivers will be dressed III complete and
elegant English coaching costume, aud will be
able to manage spirited four-in-hand, man the
brnkes, keep their temper, curse any teamster
dumb in thirty seconds, be responsible Tor all
people who wish to roll off the front platform
under the wheels, stop their team to allow unpro-
tected females to enact the rule of a frightened
hen in the roadway, stop and start to suit every
body, never get the car off the track, always be
on time, never expect passengers to look ut the
car for the route or destination, willing to pull
up promptly and answer questions for any
length OF time and In alt weathers.
This new aud improved car will be put upon
the street on the tst of April next, on which
occasion all the hopeless idiots who ride In street
cars are invited to takea free ride.