Dodge City times. [volume] (Dodge City, Kan.) 1876-1892, 1877-04-28
The Oyster House Critic.

ne critical faculty. ueFciOpcu H>tl
when he was very little boy. "Pa, "
said he, on the way to church, '.you
don't turn Your toes out properly.
Mother. your bonnet is one-third of an
inch askew, and your pronunciation is
awful They thought it very clever at
first. But il grew tiresome, and the old
gentleman finally told him to mind his
own business and threatened the rod,
and finally he used it and the criticisms
closed The boy brooded. In secret he
meditated revenge. 1t is in bad taste
that should have parents said he;
sit is too common" He left his home
and joined Il newspaper. He aspired to
become an oyster house critic.
He grew up, he read. he studied. he
lived in books and ON books. he breathed
an atmosphere of books. His world was
the newspaper; he Travelled in books and
newspapers. Or if he did really 20
abroad he saw nothing; he held Il book
or newspaper before his eyes and he
SAW only newspaper or literary people.
Barely any contact with the great world
without. barely any range of obserya-
ton or experience beyond books and
newspapers; other people than newspa
per or book people he deemed made
only 10 read books and newspapers. At
last. he attained ultimate journalistic
perfection and sanctification. His
bread. breath and blood depended on
newspapers. He read an average of
two hundred exchanges daily. Living
from his youth up on diet of newspa-
pers, his organization gradually changed
so that it could only derive sustenance
through newspapers. Take away his
newspapers and he starved. Once the
mails being stopped for few days by a
great storm. he came near diving for
lack Of newspapers. They kept the
vital spark just glimmering with old ex
changes. When the back mails came
tumbling in, he was near gorging him
self to death with new newspapers.
Living thus unnaturally. he became
unnatural He despised all human
emotion. He prided himself on his ca
pacity for not being amused when 9th
ers were amused A tear for him was
a ridiculous exhibition of feeling. An
iceberg was his model He became one.
Every breath was an icy sneer or sar-
casm He was glad when. a possible
coming reputation ran upon him and
went down forever. Or an oyster. He
modelled himself after an oyster-cold,
impressive, unsusceptible. clammy. New
er hearty laugh; an oyster does not
laugh. No tears: no oyster sheds tears.
Not terrified; nothing can terrify an
oyster. Never in haste; an oyster is al
ways slow So he became an oyster.
hard, strong, imperishable, an oyster of
the world. an Oyster House Critic. On
" he vawned. yawned al every thing
the oyster yawns: TO obtain sustenance
by yawning and gaping. yawning and
gaping at American dramas and terrapin
lunches, champagne lunches and bank
notes. Yes. the oyster can extract nour-
ishment even from bank note.
His associations were only other oyster
house critics, like himself-hard. cold,
stony. clammy: they deemed them
selves a. to intellect brilliant and ada
mantine-all Judgment. no heart. But
really they were very soft within. They
saw new plays, new actors and act
resses. They yawned and gaped. They
retired to their oyster houses. At the
bar, more gaping: at the table, more
gaping Then they went home and told
the public that the new play was pro-
vocative of yawns and gapes. Especially
an American play. The oyster could
cement himself only to European
reputation. But they yawned at Ameri-
can productions and capped at roasts.
fries and more bank notes.
As when child he impaled flies on Il
pin and then witnessed their dying ago
mics, so in later age did he torment au-
thorS. actors and actresses. Immured in
Il gloomy den among cobwebs, old spit
toons, old pipes, rags, dust, unwashed
windows, ink stains. grabbed pens, which