The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1877-04-19
WIT AND HUMOR.

WIT AND HUMOR.
THERE are times when buzz-saw are
not in motion, but the only safe way is
to hire some one else to touch one for you
The Vermont Legislature wants the
Bankrupt law repealed. Too many fell
lows paying Is cents on the dollar and
holding IS. a .r.
BASEBALL players are having hard
time to get started this season. Their
salaries are now quoted a trife lower
than Supreme Court Judges.
The other day an irate young man en-
tered Chicago sanctum and went for
the editor with a mallet. The editor
should not tolerate such for-mallet-ies.
THERE won't be many circuses on the
road this year owing to the close times.
The only way is to be on hand and keep
your mouth open as the elephant goes by.
IT is said that butter has been in use
over 4, 900 years, and no grocer need get
up on his ear when told that his sample
was old enough to vote when the mound
builders were in their glory.
A PRIM Boston editor asks: els it
proper for young married ladies to be
seen upon the stage?'' Yes, provided
they sit close to the driver, and don't let
their feet dangle too much over the sides.
PEOPLE with throat diseases go down
to Sumter county, Fla, and in few
days have windpipes thatsend out sounds
equal to calliopes, which set the alliga-
tors to waltzing and wagging their tails
like wet spaniels. I'll
No MAN can ever see the announce
ment /: Ladies' Literary Society meets
this evening without wondering how it
is that each one can copy her original "
article from old scrap-books without col
liding with some other member.
A MINSTREL troupe is billed for Bur
lngton, and we ask the Government if
the people of this free and independent
city are to be crushed to earth by these
high-handed despotic outrages? Take
away the troupes. hurting o1a Hank
Eye
HARPER's WEEKLY illustrates the flood
in New England. Young America,
smoking cigar, straddles the rsof of an
almost submerged house, and when
asked where his parents are observes {:
"Oh they're down stairs. I have an
idea am an orphan"
AS A cheering instance Of educational
progress in Texas, it is stated that all
boys over five years Of age, attending
public schools in that State, are now i'm
peratively required to take off their
bowie-knives and revolvers before enter
ing the school-room.
A MAN who, from his youth upward,
had been leading a most irregular life,
suddenly ended his bachelor career by
marrying widow worth 100000
y"Dont imagine" said he to one of his
friends, "that am simply marrying for
money. II she had only 100000 [
should have married her just the same
SCENE = Breakfast table. Professor
Contemplating a very small potato
" Waiter!'' Waiter with dignity
".Sir!' Professor (blandly)-"Do you
know where you got this potato % Waiter
(decisively-" Yes, sir [ do p Profess
sor with intensity" Well, by heavens!
you want to remember, for I may want
another"
A NEW phase of womans rights in
Boston: "She entered Middlesex car
Saturday morning, and made this little
speech: NO, sir Don't rise. Move up
on that side! Move up, there. There's
plenty of room if you'll only move up
Move up It won't hurt you bit
There were eleven ladies on that side,
but they moved up and she sat down."
A CHICAGO saloon keeper asked an old
topper to sample some fourteen-year-old
whisky. Toper's mouth watered and
his blear-eyes sparkled, until the saloon
man handed him pony glass filed
with the aged nectar. "Isn't that the
clear quill?' asked the proud donor,
after his guest had swallowed the modi-
cum at gulp. eyes, it's good but
it's small for its age, " was the reply.
"THE baby has got new tooth, but.
the old lady is laid up with cold in the
head" remarked a gentleman to de-
feated candidate 'sWhat do I care"
was the reply. "Well," said the gentle
man, DeIOre the electlOn you USED 10
take me aside and ask me how my family
was coming on, and I've been hunting
you all over town to tell you, and that's
the way you talk to me. But it don't
make any difference. I voted for the
other candidate, anyhow. Exchange.
THE SPRING BIRD.
Dear little bluebird,
Herald of spring;
Swallow this cough drop
! Poor little thing
Warbing SO hoarsely
Of April's approach,
/ Hunting around for
Bronchial troche.
| Poor little bluebird
i off,.