The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1877-11-22
Here we are, Mr.. BOucicault

the whole newspaper press, and rushes
into print to tell the world that there
amt quill-driver in this country who
knows what comedy is.
Don't we? Well, now look here,
Boucey, go little slow till the returns
are all in-there may be a precinct or
two that you haven't heard from. Just
turn that barrel upside down, rest your
bones on the end of that type box, take
out your pencil and keep tally, and |
we'll see about this thing. Now then,
look lively, here we go:
Suppose, for starter, that straight |
wasted old Quaker from the broad
brimmed regions of Indiana should |
ramble down here on a warm day in |
July, and being fearful that change of
water might get his liver to feeling bad
again, should wander into drug store
and should say to the clerk
"My son, will thee draw for me a
glass of goodly beverage with which the
children of moderation are wont to re-
gale themselves and appease the heat?'
And when the red-haired clerk shall
unto him say:
"What syrup, uncleT'
Suppose, dear Boucey, that this up
right pilgrim, shall be troubled with an
intermittent paralysis of the optic nerve
which shall give the controlling string a
heavy pull and cause the eye-lid to drop
with the same avidity that you nail a
French play, at the precise moment the
good puritan is saying
Thee may give me plain cream"
And suppose the clerk shall put the
usual construction on the pursuing of
the optic, and shall assimilate with the
innocent beverage about two fingers of
Kentucky bourbon, savage as a wolf,
which the patriarch shall imbibe with
the meekness of lamb, and shall smack
his lips over it, and shall go over
to the custom-house and sit on
the steps, and shall taste, and taste,
and search out with his tongue all the
minute and remote cavities in his
molars where the slightest infnitesmal
fraction of trace of that rejuvinating
elixer shall have found Judgement; and
suppose furthermore, that he shall rumi-
nate and ponder and scratch his head,
and mediate upon the great preponder-
ance of vice in large cities, until the
spirit shall pry him up to go again to
the soda fountain, and say to the at
tendant youth
"The day is exceeding warm, and
thee may dispense to me again of thy
beverage, for find it innocent and full
of refreshment, while the waters of the
filthy stream from which thy people are
supplied is laden, am told, with deadly
poison, and most pernicious in its effects
upon the human system. Thee may
give it the same flavor as BEFORE"
And again let us suppose Dion, dear,
that the twitching muscle comes to the
| OF n+lx r flor rsrrh% 70
another ounce of rum beneath that
honest home-spun "westcut," and let us
imagine, most exalted autocrat, that this
programme is repeated at varying in
tervals until the pious old saint il
drunk enough to try to step over lamp
post, and goes reeling down street, scat
tering his religious experience broad
cast, under the impression that he is thu
l biggest gun at the Yearly Meeting, ant
e has to do the talking for thousand silen
: constituents. And let your mind con
: tinue toindulge the hallucination, please
that he stumbles over sleeping boot
L black, and falls vehemently into frui
stall, and "squshes" mellow "seasona
t bles" all over his clothes, scorches hi
nose in the peanut roaster, and gets hi
d immaculate broadbrim worse banged u
dlu uSulOIdIlZcu budu Guc hcpuDllCetl
party, and then steps into bucketful Q
y molasses that Van Bibber's boy had jus
L sat down while he bought a couple G
IS and wipes off the suburbs of it, whil
a the owner is selecting some pears for hi
i, daughter. Then let your cosmopolita
@ intellect indulge the supposition ths
e the deluded father continues to vibrat
ha n+nr
S. dentists sign almost as big as your ow
e self-estimate, which at once fills h
,e muddled head with the insane though
that he has the toothache in every Dor
4, in his body.
ID Continue to delude yourself, mo
le versatile genius, that our lamblike soap
a. goat staggers into the slaughter-pen, an
insists upon having his mouth turne
lie into barren waste. Fancy to yourse
lie that the dentists an unscrupulous man
n. which is seldom the case-and that
k, runs his forceps through the portab
r. leaves no more in it than there remail
81 mean to say the intoxicated Frie1
lie worse than a mine explosion, and b
'o ChCOho SdSSluS tOSC1ucI llkG d ulSCOu
mt aged umbrella, and when-we will tt
lie to believe-after many tribulalions t
y, good man finally gets back home al
in sickness, gets kicked by horse tn
don't know him, bitten by a dog W
at feels ashamed of him, hooked by CT
lg that scorns his acquaintance, and loo
nd into the primitive looking glass ac
| md To nf
EST misery
At, "Son of Belial thee must at once s
De- thee out of mine house, or thee W
have cause to rue the day of thy CO
ut ing"
1e- And when he tries to grapple with t
te- fancied intruder, and wakes up to
mistake, and wonders where he is hi
ed self and what disciple of Belzebub Il
ne, that villainous face, the expressit
is premises at that unspeakab1e nome
would kill you stone dead, being as y
nd we'll know the most susceptibly acl
lile organized being in existence to the
fects of comedy. Never mind the b
ng- rel, man, hug it, if you want to. We
Tou not particular if there isn't stave of
OF left unsplit. The satisfaction to us
.or- seeing you chew your hasty words, wol
. make up for the wreck of VIII
My cOoper-shop..
ect There, Boucey, that'll do-no m
be apologies-and since you insist upon
md we don't care, the hatchet can be
she tered. We understand each other NJ
uld and both feel better
no, NOTE TO THE READER-Three to one that
above character sails through Mr.. Bouccault's I
comedy.
EUREKA (Nevada) Sentinel: WI
at blasting rock from one of the quarries
was the hillside west of town, the attent
led OF one OF the workmen was attracted
she he curious formation of one of the pie
her that had been split off. An examinat
her troved that imbedded in the rock wa
all wasp's nest, the texture and cells
had which, although turned to stone, W