Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1877-05-25
f. u II !!


with her mind made up to fool the old man
next day or die in the attempt. In pre-
Vious years she had found John impervious
to jokes of all kinds, and she realized the
Augean task before her on the morrow.
With her mind full of her self-imposed
task she went to sleep. At daylight she
awoke and at once began to operate. Her
victim was lying with his back toward her,
apparently in a sound sleep. She poked him
vigorously in the ribs with her sharp ell
bow and clawed his shins with her toe
nails. preparatory to startling him with
this half-whispered warning:
'sJohn-oh, joint there's some one ring
ing the door-bell.'
ssLem i'm ring" was the sleepy re-
Spouse.
''But, John, maybe it's the man on the
next square who owes you that 800 come
to pay you.''
'No faint, NEITHER" said John, with a
yawn.
'sBut you don't know, and it may be
that very man.
II guess not, for he's buried died last
week. Besides old woman your ears de-
ceive you. I took the bell-knob off last
night to fool Aprilfoolers.
Heavens, what mess she made of it to
begin with But when the old man rolled
out of bed, yawned and picked up his pants
she rammed the sheet in her mouth to plug
up her laughter.
s'Oh, jimmy, won't he tumble when he
puts his foot in them pants and finds the
legs sewed up!'' she said to herself.
Judge of her rage when the provoking
brute innocently carried the blockaded
breeches to the wardrobe, and innocently
inquired:
'Nancy, where's them chocolate-cclored
pants had on last week?''
''Put on the ones you have in your hands,
John, what's the matter with themp''
Il burst a button off yesterday, and they
need mending.''
AT breakfast she poured out a nice cup
of coffee for him, and sweetened it with
two spoonsful of salt
you needn't give me any Coffee" be
said, "keep that yourself"
"Why, John, what's the matter? This
is the first time since we were married you
refused coffee"
1.-The blamed stuff has made me ner-
vous lately; and, as this is the first of the
mnoth, [ thought I'd break off and only
drink 1t for supper. You keep that your
SELF"
When he came home to dinner she had
prepared him a neatly directed envelope
with sheet of blank paper inclosed with
in. He eyed it suspiciously, and. throw
iI,g it in the fire, said
81 know that handwriting. It's from
that crazy lunatic who wants me to vote
for him tomorrow. So much for his
letter."
In the evening she disguised herself in
one of her husbands old suits and came to
the door to beg for charity.
''Please give me, nickel to buy some
bread" w.,
''Get out, or I'll give you a nickel with
my boot.''
sBut, sir, consider. Pm starving"
1.-The devil you are Now, l'll bet you
$50 against the suit of clothes you wear
that you are an impostor."
''But, SIR
''lf l were to search you now shouldn't
be surprised to find you loaded with
wealth. For two cents I would see."
''For heavens sake''-
SNOW. none of your so1t.soap on me. 1
don't believe in beggars. Here. you po-
licemen, take this internal insDostor to the
statioll-house.
just as the ''peeler'' grabbed the sup
posed beggar by the back of the neck
shrill voice yelled:
'sJohnl John! you wouldn't send your
wife to the station-house would you?"
1.-The HI wouldn't!'' was the cool re-
Spouse. anybody who lies to me about
my door bell, sews up my trousers, puts
salt in my coffee, writes me anonymous
notes and steals my clothes ought to 60 to
tie penitentiary for life"
''But how did you know"
.sIf you women wouldn't talk in your
sleep you might keep secret once in a
while.''
Mrs. Sanscipt says that hereafter when
size attempts an April-fool joke she in
tends to sit up all the night previous
Cincinnati Enquirer.
Ode to my landlady-two weeks board
bill.-Erchange.
Yes. She under stanZa joke of that kind,
End that's why you're verse to meter, we
suppose.
A st. Louis dog goes about the streets
gathering cigar stumps, which he carries
home to his master. 1t was poor editor
who owned this specimen of canine cigar
city.
WHY is an old mann farm in Texas like
the focus Of sun-glassl Because it is the
place where the sons raise meat. Orig n
shrouded in mystery.
HELMBoLD has been released from the
insane asylum. it having been moved that
he did not, as charged, attempt % paw an
advertising account.
.sPa, asked a young American of lis do
ting parent ''what is a Gar 20 "a Eur
key gobbler, my son, a Turkey gobbler p
Why is chess more moral game than
cards?-In chess you have two bishops; in
cards, four knaves.
A friend of ours asked quite suddenly
to make pun coolly inquired '"Pun
what ?''
Palace cars with bath rooms are the la
test-rushin' baths, so to speak.
Sir Henry Thompson says that brain
workers should not take alcohol.
IN, .,. 80, ovb;1oro fipr pau cnrinr no m O