The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1877-11-30
Fun.

1t makes a great difference whether
glasses are used over or nnder the
nose.
First Irate Female-"I'd hate to be
in your shoes!"
Second Irate Female-"You couldn't
get in them"
The fool seeketh to pick fly from
mules hind leg; the wise man letteth
the job out to the lowest bidder.
The easiest aud best way to expand
the chest is to have q good large heart
IN it. 1t saves the cost of gymnastics.
An Iowa editor recently announced
that q certain patron of his was ''thieV-
ing, as usual" 1t " as written thriving.
A Methodist minister being recently
asked if he had moved to his new ap-
pointment, said, s'Yes, but it Is a dis
appointment"
A young man who was recently
married to girl, after proposing TO
her eighteen times, now wishes that he
hadn't asked her but seventeen times.
When a Chicago man loses the repect
of the community, he takes his gun
and starts out to kill an alderman as
the only means of being restored to
popular esteem.
A Chicago man insists that he saw q
red and black snake forty feet long,
and as big as q barrel OF wisky. We
have no doubt bat he did, but he I'M
questionably saw the barrel of whisky
before he saw the snake.
A man who has been an inVeterate
smoker for twenty years, has suddenly
and permanently given mp the prac-
tice. He knocked the ashes from his
pipe into a keg Of blasting powder.
what Is the interior of Africa prin.
cipally used for p asked 3 teacher of q
pupil. For purposes of exploration
was the reply.
"Wnl you please insert this obituary
notice ?" asked an old gentleman OF a
country editor. "I make bold to ask
It because i know the deceased had
q great many friends about here who'd
be glad to hear of his DEATH"
A young gentleman remarked to his
female companion, the other evening,
All! the most beautiful evening In my
recollection. Luna looks peculiarly
beautiful. Was that her just went by
quickly asked the young lady.
A young lady of our acquaintance
| says she wishes she was q man, as then
she could be her own barber, and could
stand in front Of her mirror as long as
she pleased without being called vain
make the face q mirror of the soul.
says DIR. Holland. It Is very unwise
advice. II it were followed there
would be so many dreadful countenan-
ces that all the horses would get fright
ened and run away.-Roch. Dem.
An agent was recently struck by
lightning while erecting q rod on 8
house in Rhode Island. That's en-
couraging, really. Now, can't some
body invent sewing machines that will
burst and chrOmos that will 60 off?
The remark of contemporary (says q
New York paper,> that many of ouI
successful lawyers commenced life a.
preachers, Is gracefully corrected by
one of the legal gentlemen referred e
who begs leave TO state that be began
life as an infant.
"Are the Smiths back ?'' inquired
Mrs. Stsyby, who hasn't been out o.
town this season. "Yes'm," replied
the cook, sand Mrs. G4bby got hom.
from Wales last night" stsThen, Mary
you may open the front shutters anC
let it be known thar WE'VE got back
too"
Old DIR. Hunter used to say, when hG
could not discover the cause of q man.
sickness, 'We1l try this, and we'll try
that Well shoot into the tree, an /
anything falls, well and good Aye,
replied way, Il fear this Is too CON
monty the case, and in your shooting
into the tree tho first thing that gener.
ally falls is the patient
Walking along the strand the othe
day, an English officer saw 3 man ap
preaching him in tAtters carrying ,
tray, on which were some small pies
marked enc penny each. AS he 60
near him he recognized Q brother Off
Ger, who had served in the same regi
ment some years previously. He &C
costed the poor fellow and was sympa
thlzing with him on his said plight an.
altered circumstances, when the othe
exclaimed, Hang your pityl buy
pie.'
my son, there Is GOd-fearing man
Ifyon want TO succeed in life you mus
be q christian. Ten years ago tia
man was poor, bat now he Is wealthy.
II guess he passes the plate around,
said the wicked little boy, as he fiIche.
an apple from . basket In front of tn
Dutch groceryman's door.