The Van Buren press., 1877-07-17

MN as well as lNeI GOulu, anu thp ptHel
morning he was found in Moffat's alley,
as white as a sheet, and looking like
death on pale horse.
you've been trying to learn to chew
tobacco, have your asked the officer,
who discovered him.
+" l only c.chewed up one plug" repli
ed the lad, as his teeth knocked together
!" think what ails me is the smell OF
these brick buildings, and the sight OF
SO much sidewalk. | wish WAS b.bacl'
on "a f,farm.o
The famous old trotting mare, Flora
Temple, is falling. Visitors to Chestnut
Hills, the home of her declining years,
say that she is gaunt and decrepit, show,
ing every sign of approaching death. She
is now 80 years old, and it is eighteen
years since she astonished the trotting
world by recording the first heat under
go
Hush money; Money spent in buying
a cradle
Lightning never strikes in the same
place any more than two Strawberries hit
the same shortcake
Iraseible old party-"Condactor, why
didn't you wake me up as l asked you ?
Conductor did try, but all | could
get ent Of yoa wes -. All right, Maria >
get the children heir breakfast, and III
be down in minute
"There now said a little girl rum
maging a drawer in the bureau, "grand-
pa has gone to heaven without his spec
tacles,'
Love those who advise, but not those
who praise you.
Barber: "Thin hair your a bit, sir ?"
Customer; "No, never mind Ny
wife attends to that; but Just oil it WELL
Somebody advertises for servant
girl who would not lie above placing
herself on an equality with the rest Of
the family.
Mrs Partington will not allow Ike to
play the guitar. She says he had it once
when he was u child and it nearly killed
him.
"Shure, num- said Biddy, aI'H have
breakfast as soon as | can; but I've bill.
ed them listers an DOR an an half, and
they amt finder yit."
The sewing machine agent, since the |
patent run out. has to talk just as much
and just as fast. aud tell just as many lies
for S2S as he used to tell for a Sl35
Life is made up of many little things
Lille itself is but very liCtle thing; it is
lint tilf1f
neral.
A minute is very little thing; but it
is long enough to pull dozen aei,ing
teeth, or to get married and have yom
own mother-in.law.
A German lost his wife and the nest
week married again and his new wife
asked him to take her out riding. lie
felt indignant that she should have no i.
more respect than that for his deceased :
wife, and said: "You dink | ride ont :,
nit another woman SO soon after the !
death of mine fran I" /,
Virginians claims that since the whip c
ing-post was re established most of the 4
jails have been empted, petty crimes
have almost ceased, and Migrants are e
seen no more in thu streets
1t is dangerous to jest with god, death,
or eht devil /; for the first neither can n or
will be Knocked; the second nocks all
men at one time OF another; and the third
puts ain eternal sarcasm on all who are
too familiar with him.
Why should we be sngry with man
who tumbles on us bindfold? In effect,
most of our luarrels are of our own
making, either by mistake or aggrava
ton.
A Dick street man suddenly broke up
q beautiful oratorical address FROM his
wife the other evening simply by remark
ing that Benz Franklin once said that
.'the worst wheel in the cart makes the
most noise
We are told that "when bid, the Der.
lin gorilla will wipe its nose as daintily |
as a child of tour or fiven' And we all |
know how daintily child or four or
five wipes its nose-on its sleeves; and |
how pretty often it doesn't wipe its nose
at all
A Norwich man has invented plan in !
three parts by which no one need lose his
life in q burning hotel. The first part
states that man should never stop at a
hotel. Omitting the other two parts the
plan is generally considered a success.
A retail grocer samplihg molasscs at a
wholesalers is about the most interesting
object in the world. He takes the stuff
up on a chip, ticks some Of it off, smacks
his lips, assumes q very profound aud
knowing expression circumference, and
casting his eyes mp in to the fartherest
corner of the room with a far of look, as
if he heard some ange! playing on moon
lit piano, says, "N-yum yum, about a
bari er that guess"
A Norwich man who went to the black
Hills year or two ago has written home
that he has been captured by the Indians
and probably will be unable to return in
ten or fifteen years. His wife believes it
amp is trying TO get the goverment.to or
ganize an expedition to save him from tor
ture and death. Woman's confidence in
mans seems, at times, too beautiful to be
exposed to the rude criticism of the
world.