The Middlebury register. [volume] (Middlebury, Vt.) 1850-1882, 1877-08-31
Painted Heads.


forbids the mention of his name, it will
perhaps be well to render him some.
what less indefinite by giving him the
timely name of Dolgorouski. Nothing
: had been left untried by Mr.. Dolgo.
: rouski to bring back his missing hair
The conversation of BARRIERS sore long
time he bore, and tonics were in vain
Scores of alleged bears have died in or
der that his head might be creased, but
the most thorough top-dressing produc-
ed no more effect upon his scalp than
docs the most powerful fertilizer when
wasted upon the granite meadows OF
New Hampshire. AT one time he seri-
ously proposed to transplant small
patches of cats fur from the backs OF
Ownerless cats TO the bare surface OF
his head, but the entreaties of his horri-
fed friends, who feared that the exper-
iment might affect his moral nature and
inspire him will, the wicked longing
for the back fence, induced him to
abandon the scheme. He finally gave
: up all hopes of future hair, and accept
ed his badness as misfortune without
remedy.
Now, Mr.. Dolgorouski was extreme
ly fond of obeying the apostolic iniunc-
ton to assemble himself together foi
public worship. In other words, he
was devoted Methodist, and took un-
bounded delight in going to meeting.
Unfortunately, the local Methodist
Westinghouse was subject to violent
draughts of wind, which constantly
gave Mr.. Dolgorouski succession OF
colds in the head Other men who
wore their hair to meeting could sit
N AL
cold, but the bare head of the bald man
could not resist the draughts that blew
from one window to another. In this
emergency two courses were suggested
to him by his acquaintances. He was
advised either to wear a skull-cap or to
wear wig. To an ordinary man eth
er of these alternatives might seem I'M
Objectionable, but Mr.. Dolgorouski's
conscience was even more tender than
his scalp. He refused to wear skull
cap on the ground that il was virtually
a hat, and that nothing could induce
him to attend religious meeting with
a hat on his head. AS for wig, he de-
nounced that ingenious device as a
palpable falsehood. He insisted that a
bald man who should wear a wig would
be guilty of deliberate lie, since he
would be aiming to induce people to
believe that he was possessed of hair
grown on his own premises. can act
ed lie," said Mr.. Dolgorouski, "is
worse than spoken lie, and no matter
how incredible wig way be, it is none
the less premeditated falsehood.'
Mr.. Dolgorouski was thus, by his re-
lection of wigs and skull-caps, appar-
emily confined to the alternative of 60
ing to meeting and sneezing, or of STAY
ing at home and avoiding the danger of
taking cold. He was, however, sin
gularly ingenious man, and he set his
wits to work to devise an escape from
this dilemma. He perceived that what
he needed was something which would
keep his scalp from contact with the
air, and would at the same time be in
offensive to his delicate conscience. 1t
so happened that just at this time the
interior of the Methodist Westinghouse
was receiving fresh coat of paint, and
this circumstance suggested the idea
which Mr.. Dolgorouski speedily put in
practice.
One Sunday morning the minister
became aware that his congregation
was in state of unusual excitement.
AT first he was inclined to explain this
excitement upon the theory that his
presence in the pulpit was peculiarly
welcome to the audience, but rs the eX-
citement constantly increased, he de-
cided that there must be stray dog in
the house. Rising up to look for the
hypothetical animal, i'll order TO remark
in an impressive voice, "Take that dog
outw he was confounded by a vision
of red and white stripes in one of the
most prominent pews. To his startled
Imagination there appeared to be dis
play of fashionable hosiery in circum-
stances which involved the hypothesis
of the widest ecccntricity on the part
of some hysterical sister, but as he con-
tinued to keep his Mortified gaze fixed
upon the stripes, he became aware that
that the decorated head of Mr.. Dolgo-
rouski was before him. That conscien-
tious man had painted his scalp with
red and white paint with the utmost
care and neatness, and, us it afterwards
appeared, in imitation of the flag of his
country. Naturally, his extraordinary
appearance had attracted the attention
of every one present, and had yellew
dog seated himself and painted on the
pulpit stairs, the enthusiasm could not
have been greater. 1t was obviously
impossible to preach with that variega-
ted head distracting the minds of the
congregation, and the minister, there
fore, calmly requested brother Dolgo-
rouski to withdraw. But the brother
declined to do anything of the sort, and
the upshot was that he was led forth by
four muscular deacons, loudly protest
ing that he was prosecuted man, and
that he had as much right to put
paint OH his head as certain female
members of the congregation had to
put powder OH their faces.
The ecclesiastical trial of Brother
Dolgorouski for profaning public wor-
ship is soon to take place, and it would
be injudicious to prejudice public opin-
ion either against or in favor of him.
1t may be remarked, however, that
his position seems to the worldly mind
to be n strong one. He claims that
paint gives complete protection TO a
bald scalp, and that il partakes neither
of the irreverence of q hat nor the dis
honesty of IA wig. 1t does not pretend
to be what it is not, but is simply an
honest and beautiful covering, whether
applied to the walls of Westinghouse
or the head of worshipper. lie indig-
nantly denies that he had the most re-
mote intention of fashioning his novel
head-dress upon any article of feminine
apparel, and protests that, until he was
so informed by the minister, he was to-
tally unaware that such Babylonish
garments rs striped hosiery were TO be
found in nominally Christian land.
He painted his head with stripes in
stead of decorating il in monotone, be-
cause he wished TO combine patriotism
with comfort, and believed that the
stripe of our national banner would
not be out of place on the head of sim
cere patriot. Finally, he insists that
there is no law, ecclesiastical or civil,
which forbids bald man to paint his
head, and declares that, although he
will compromise the dispute by prom
ising To paint his head with mans OF