Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1877-07-06
F. II N :

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HIS FIRST ATTEMPT AT CONVERTING.
"A barber who had become converted to
religion was told that he must work for
the souls about him. The tOnsorial artist
was diffident man, and he did not know
how to begin; but one day as pretty hard
case came in to be shaved, he thought he
wonld improve the opportunity. The ex-
pected convert was seated in chair, duly
lathered, the razor stropped till the edge
was as keen as Damascus blade, and just
ready to apply to the Gust omer's throat,
when the barber whispered in his ear,
care you prepared to die9' With bound
and a shout the victim left the chair, cry
ing. ''Not if 1 know it''-rushed up the
street hatless, and terrified lest he should
be pursued by the, as he supposed, would
be murderous barber. The wielder of the
razor has given up conversions during
business hours.
Be kind to the book agent. He has
father, perhaps, and mother, who knew
him in his innocent youth. Perhaps even
now, in some peaceful New England vii
lage, fond hearts are beating for him. and
sweet lips breathe loves dearest prayers
for his welfare. Therefore lay him down
tenderly, fold his hands peacefully on his
breast, and close his eyes gently as you
put him to rest under the branches Of the
weeping willow, where the birds carol all
through the summer days their softest
songs. But plant him deep-plant him
deep!
They sat in the parlor, and he squeezed
her hand. ooh, would that this hand
were mine p he sighed "Why?;' she ask
ed. ''BecaLse if it were mine, could
knock bullocks down with it better'n with
a sledge-hammer.' The last seen of that
young man he was trying to climb on the
spout.
At the Cleveland baby show "That
baby,'' said SPECTATOR, may look pretty
at home, but it is hardly up to the stand
ard of baby show. Do you think so p
addressing lady who stood near. 'Ex-
cuse me from commenting, SIR said the
lady, as my opinion might be biased. l
am its mother The man asked for his
hat and took a recess.
A speaker says love can never tire, bui
it seems 70 US as though he never cushiul:-
ed a hard bottomed rocking chair for
hundred and ninety pound girl for eigh g
nine hours without a recess. The mos
hardened conversationalist will flag aft;
while ON such occasions and PAUSE =
run over in his mind the most most trusl
remedies for paralysis.
ssJessie, what was Joes arm doing rounG
your waist when you were at the frols'
gate last night?" asked precious Aber
deem boy of his sister. His arm wasn'!
round my waist won belt from him
ana he was taking my measure" replief
the indignant young lady.
She was young lady from the city, and
he asked her if she would partake of al
ice-cream. She gently answered 'Itit's
good, square confectioners cream. I'm
there, but if it's picnic or strawberry fes-
tival slush, count me out!''
An American man, after dining at
London restaurant, paid his bill, and was
abont leaving. wien the waiter suggested
that the amount did not include the wait
er. "Ahp % said the man, "but l didn't
eat the waiter ~
Nothing undermines ones faith in a
mans liberality to the church so much as
to see him stick his hands down deep into
his pockets as the contributi0n-box is
travelling his way, look astonished, and
then remark to his neighbor: ''I've got on
my other pants" RS
A prominent New York man, who has
stayed out every night until midnight for
seven years, now gets mad and wants a
divorce because his wife has commenced
the same practice within a few weeks.
1t is when the mercury in the thermom-
eter is gallivanting among the nineties that
it is a common sight to see men coming
the perspiration from their mouths.
'sThat's our family tree,'' said an Ar.
kansas youth as he pointed to vigorous
bemlock. and added, "a good many of our
folks have been hung on that tree, for bor-
rerin' bosses after dark -
A mother having occasion to reproye
her little daughter for playing with some
rude children, received in reply, 'Well,
ma, some folks don't like bad company.
but I always did,"
One cannot be too careful this weather.
A swell recently exchanged his heavy
winter cane for light bamboo, and the
consequence was severe cold that laid
him up for a week.
A correspondent says of New Yorker
who failed recently: "Godward he was
very strict, but MAYNARD he was little
twistical So"
A person always meets with warm re-
ception at hotel. The minute he arrives
he is placed on the register.