The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1877-05-23
bgre1
WHOLE NO. 1850.
How she rool,ea ham.


--John Sanscript's wife went to bed
Saturday night with her mind made
npte fool The old man nexi day or
die in ths attempt: la gsssiaas
years she had found John inpegyious
ITO Jokes Of all Kinds, and she realized
the herculean task Before her on the
morrow With her mind full Of her
self-imposed task she went TO sleep.
At daylight she awoke and at once
began to operate. Her victim was "
ing with his back toward her, appar-
fently in sound sleep. She poked bin
vigorously ia the ribs with her sharp
elbow and clawed his shins with her
toe-nails, preparatory ,p startling
him with a half-whispered warning.
"John-oh, John-there's some one
ringing the deor-bellr IL ,sa
"Let i'm ring was the sleepy re-
ply. i
"But, John, maybe il's the man on
The next square who owes you that
hundred dollars come to paygyou"
"No 'taint, neither" said John,
with q yawn.
''But yon don't know. aud il NAV
he that very man.
IL guess not, for he's buried died
last. week. Besides, old woman,
your ears deceive you. took the
bell-knob OF last night to fool April
foolers.r
Heavens, what mess she made of
it to begin with But when the old
man rolled out of bed, yawned and
! picked up his pants she rammed the
sheet 10 her moath to plug up her
laughter.
.'Ob, jimminy ! won's he tumble
when be puts his foot in them pants
and finds the legs sewed up,r she said
to herself. ei- w
Judge of her rage when the pro-
vokipg brute innocently carried the
blockaded breecbes to the wardrobe
and inquired !: ~ .
Nancy, where's them chocolate
colored pants | had on last week."
''Put on the ones you have in your
haLds, John what's the matter with
them ?r
81 burst a button ofr yesterday, aud
hey need mending.n as
AT breakfast she poured outs nice
cup of coffee for him, sad sweetened
III; with two ,speonfuls Of salt. -
."You needn't give me any coffee, 2
he said f; keep that yourself
"Why, John, what's the matter ?
This is the first time since we we're
married you refused coffee 1os .
"The blamed stuff has made me
nervous lately, and as this is the first
Of the month, Thought I'd break off
and only drink it for supper. You
keep that yourself.r) I
When be came home to dinner she
had prepared him a neatly directed
envelope with q sheet of blank paper
inelosed within He eyed it suspi-
ciously, and, throwing it in the fire,
said: -
al know that handwriting It's
from the crazy lunatic who wants me
to vote for him tomorrow Somach
for his letter.
In the evening she disguised her
self in one Of her husbands old suits
and came to the door to beg for char
ity.
"Please give me a nickle to buy
some bread?"
"Get out, or III give you niekle
with my boot"
"But, sir, consider. Pm starvingln
"The devil you are Now, I'll bet
you fifty dollars against the suit Of
clothes you wear that you are an
impostor."
"But, sir"
"If l were to search vou now, /
shouldn't be surprised to End you
LOADED With wealth. For two cents
I would see."
"For heavens sake"
"Now, none of your soft-soap on
me. / don't believe in beggars.
Here, you policeman, take this in
fernal impostor to the station bonse. {"
"Just as the "peeler" grabbed the
supposed beggar by the back of tie
neck, shrill voice yelled
"Johni John! you wouldn't send
your wife to the station house, would
you ?"
"The / wouldn't ~ was the
cool response. anybody who lies to
me about my doOr-bell, sews up my
trowsers, puts salt in my coffee, writes
me anon, nous notes and steals my
clothes ought to go to the penitentia-
ary for life.
''But how did you know"
"If you women wouldn't talk in
your sleep, you might keep a secret
once 10 awhile y
Mrs. SaDscript says that hereafter
when she attempts az April-fool joke.
she intends to sit up all the night
Northumberland Enquirer.