The Russellville Democrat., 1877-04-05
FACTS AND RANCHES.
WHY is the sea like poorhouse Be- cause it is the home of the porpoise.

l WHY IS the sea like poorhouse Be- cause it is the home of the porpoise. POUND PARTIES for the benefit of the poor are now in order. Fifteen of the ounces go to the party and the other ounce to the poor.
 1 A WOMAN in Oshkosh ground nearly half of shirt through clothes-wringer last Monday before discovering that her baby was in the shirt. It was an awful strain on the wringer.
 "Do you ever have any 'hops' in Maine ?' asked a New York belle, who was dressing for a ball, of a country cousin from the Pine state. "Oh, yes, lots; pa has forty acres of 'em in one field"
 "Do I believe in second love? If a man buys pound of sugar, isn't it sweet? And when its gone, don't he want another pound; and isn't that as sweet, too? Troth, Murphy, l believe | in second love-"
 "MY friend, don't you know that it is very dangerous to take nap while the train is in motion? "Why so?" ex- claimed the individual, waking up "Why so?" Because this train runs over sleepers." THE Burlington Hawkeye tells the story of two commercial travellers lately comparing notes as follows: W have been out three weeks," said the first missionary, ''and have only got four orders" "That beats me-" replied the second commercial evangelist, "I have been out four weeks and have only got one order, and that's an order from the house to come home."
 "YoUNG man do you know what rela- tions you sustain in this world ?" said a minister of our acquaintance to young member of the church. "Yes, sir" said the hopeful convert-"two cousins and grandmother but I don't intend to sus- tain them great while longer"
 FEW men have strictly mathemati- cal mind. but we never knew one who couldn't calculate within sixteenth of an inch where his neighbours property began when he was shoveling snow off his own sidewalk. .--- Norpich Bulletin.
 ACCORDING to the Chicago Journal, putting on overcoats while the doxology is being sung is one of the sins of this nation. Blessed is he who does not own an overcoat, for he sins not by putting 1t on before the benediction is pronounced.
 CELIA LOGAN says that when New York actors want dress rehearsal in a part before they venture to perform to a metropolitan audience they go over to Newark, New Jersey, engage a hall and play it. This they call trying it ona dog"
 A SAILOR was recently brought before magistrate for beating his wife, when the magistrate attempted to reach his heart by asking him if he did not know that his wife was the "weaker vessel. :" If she is, she oughtn't to carry so much sail p replied Jack.
 THIS telephone will soon revolutionize domestic affairs, for the man, instead ot l.lushingly telling his wife at the supper table that he will be detained at his office, can go down town, and whisper through the telephone that it is lodge night.-Oa City Nerriek
 OF young "Corneel," the elder Cor nelius Vanderbilt once said "That boy would spend million year, if he could get it." So he didn't leave much money to the boy, which is the cause Of the war against the will of the wise lItucT WIlO AhCV hio SuhAN'
 SEVERAL holes were charged in drift in a gold hill mine. One blast failed to 20 ofi. One of the miners was ordered to 20 in and see what the matter was. "No, sor," he said, firmly; ''I was blown up in Californy vance that way, an Ia rather lave me work than be kilt again" A BLUFF country farmer meeting the parson of the parish in by-lane, and not giving him the way as readily as he expected, the parson, with an erect chest, told him that Che was better fed than taught" "Very true, indeed, sir" said the farmer, flor you teach me and feed myself"
 AFTER christening at church, while the minister was making out cerlif- cate, he happened to say. "Let me see, this is the 3Oth." "Thirtieth !" ex- claimed the indignant mother; indeed. it is only the eleventh !" The minister was alluding to the day of the month"; the lady to the family statistics. AN Irish review says that in Dublin society the professional classes are evry- | thing, and the commercial classes noth- ing; the wealthy tradespeople are always consistently endeavoring to gain a social footing in Dublin, but are sternly re- sisted by the "proiessionocracy;" that no seamstress works SO hard AS the wives of rich Dublin traders trying to fight their way into the charmed ring of law yers and doctors.
 A TEXAS newspaper informs it's read CTS what kind of people they want in that state. They have twice too many doctors and nine times too many lawyers In fact, they propose to "swap offa ten lawyers for one northern farmer, They would like few more good preachers and great many less poor ones. But the great want is farmers "five million oood farmers" will receive welcome
 within the borders of Texas. But they
 want "early- rising, hard working, sober, good-managing men,"
 A RHODE ISLAND man recently told his son to cut hole in the barn so that the cat could go in and out, the barn being infested with mice. The boy did so, locating it just where the barn deor when open, would cover the hole. "How in thunder is the cat to get into the barn when the hole is covered ?'' asked the provoked father. "Why, through the door, of course" replied the son. The parent suddenly remembered that he wanted something in the house. and