Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1877-03-15
MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS,

the most turn realities.
What is bookkeepingg Forgetting to
return borrowed volumes.
After blowing, the farmer divides his
| forces into narrowing details.
"A sinful Rochester girl acknowledges
that she goes to church on purpose to f1irt
With but one exception every railway
| official on the Pennsylvania Road has
| risen from the ranks.
Look out far the rinderpest. 1t has
appeared in Germany and is headed this
| way. Take in your cow.
Men talk about the idle wind, but the
wind is always busy, and, like cheerful
farmer, whistles at its work.
Mrs. Partington says that Ike has
bought horse so spirituous that he al
ways goes off in decanter.
"A New York barber gives a man a
shave, cigar, a box of tooth picks and
shine for twelve cents, and, moreover, asks
him to call again.
What is the difference between pyrox-
line and truant schoclboy caught rabbit
hunting? One is gun cotton and the other
| is caught cunning.
The New Orleans Times insists that
it is better for a man to 60 to Texas and
be hung for horSe-stealing than to live in
| Connecticut and have fat office.
Many doctors contend that the bite of
| a dog will often cause hydrophob1a,
whether the canine be mad or not It is
better not to get bitten by dog at all
The proprietor of line of stages in
New York has adopted the picture of a
whale as his business emblem He saws
that that fish was the first Stay Jonah men
toned in history Ana0teur.
Doctors say that out of twenty men
shampooed by BARRIERS, at any season of
the year, fifteen will catch cold, and at
least two will die of pneumonia. Read
this to the barber who says you have lots
Of dandruf
Have you blue counterpane on your
bed now, at nights ?-Er. A blue-eyed
wife is more healthy. A blue counter
pane won't get up first in the morning to
make the fire and go to market.-Norrss-
t0aon Herald.
Il never go to church," said coun-
try tradesman to his clergyman. 81 al
ways spend Sunday in settling accounts. :"
You will find, SIR said the clergyman,
"that the day Of judgment will be spent
in the same way"
-RumOr has it that Midhat Pasha used
to get drunk occasionally. The Sultan
was finally obliged to say to him: "You
don't do as you Ottoman; your de-Porte
ment is odious, and I herewith give you
the grand bounce"
- Pa, 1 guess your man Ralph is a
good Christian" "How SO, nv bow"
why, pa, read in the Bible that the
wicked shall not live out half his days;
and Ralph says he has lived out ever since
he was little bOv.''
tits claimed that if you cut off the
spray of a lilac bush and put it into hot
water so as to force it, there will be per
feet bloom. Which statement proves that
the agricultural editor will lilac any other
writer.-.St. Louis Republican.
She said it was very bright idea. He
said he knew brighter one, and when
she asked him what it was, be answered,
Your eye, dear!'' There was silence
for moment, and then she laid her head
upon the rim Of his ear and wept.
&c l never can enjoy poetry when I'm
cookin'," said an old lady; "but when I
ste p out to feed the hogs, and hist myself
on the fence and throw my soul into afew
lines of Cap'n Jinks,' it does seem as if
this airth was made to live on, after ALL"
You never hear woman sing "I'm
growing old" American women never
grow old. They are on intimate terms
with Time, and that susceptible veteran
appears to find their society so agreeable
that he never moves fast enough to get
out of their company.
A New York lecturer on health ridi-
cules the Grahamite system. He recon-
mends less starch and more mastication,
less tea and more milk. He said bran
bread had killed nearly all of his family,
and rendered twenty-five years of his own
life miserable before he discarded it.
"A new dance has been introduced into
Paris. It is called "The Boston,
Though not described, it is presumable
that it is one step forward and hitch eye-
glass, two steps back and repeat. nose
up, toes in, all hands around and waltz
down stairs to lunch of cold leans
Chicago Journal.
Sensitive ears in Philadelphia are re-
belling against the clangor of church bells.
The alleged noisy nuisance is being
fought to the courts, and, in the heat of
the strife, an itinerant band of musicians
has been employed by the anti-bell people
to play in front of the churches during
Sunday services.
The Chicago Alliance says that a cer-
tain Boston deacon formed his Sunday
school in line andmarched them along the
aisles, himself in front, singing" Hold
the Fort" The CONSERVATION which
seized all parties at the second stanza,
See the mighty host advancing,
Satan leading on
can be better imagined than described.
He left her and stepped out to SEQ a
friend between the acts of the plav.
"Why, Edward" said she, when he re-
turned, " there are tears in your eyes"
Yes, pet" replied he, solemnly, Il
suppose there are-I saw such sad sight
when | was out" "You did, what was
it?'' inquired she. ''Such a sad sight"
continued he, keeping his face away that
she might not smell his breath: II dis
covered a young man whom have known
for years drinking whisky" q You did ?''
o Yes, standing right in plain sight be.
fore me, partaking deeply and carelessly
of the dreadful intoxicating glass There
was little pause, when the young lady
suddenly said: g Edward, was he stand
ing right in front of you?'' eyes, pet"
was the reply. There was another pause,
when the young lady asked again: -" Ed,
ward, don't most of the fashionable sa-
loon counters have great nice mirrors ight
on the walls behind them?" Edward
flushed little, and looked quizzical as he
replied that he "belieyed'' they did,