The Stark County Democrat. [volume] (Canton, Ohio) 1833-1912, 1877-06-14
3EarieA
HUMOROUS VARIETY.

premises; tney MAKE Bucn peIson"i TO-
marks u.
The best way for minister to become
favorite with his flock is to preach short
sermons.
Nashville, Tenn, according 70 a recent
census, has 1868 white and 9,oo2 colored
citizens.
When grown up people predominant at
a children's party the assembly is said to
be badly adulterated.
"swear, and you catch no fish" is an
old adaee, but some little boys who swear
are sure to catch awhale'ing,
The Koran forbids the Turks to lie.
This accounts for all the truthful war
news we are getting from Constantinople
and Kars
The Hon. Peter Harvey, once one of
the most noted men of Boston and the
devoted confidential friend of Webster is
now lying at the point of death.
A blind mendicant who perambulates
New York streets, wears this inscription
around his neck Don't be ashamed to
give only penny. can't see'
Andrew Jackson was accused of bad
spelling, but John Randolph defended
him by declaring that "a man must be a
fool who could otspell words more ways
than one"
A lunar protuberanGe some forty thous-
and miles long has been discovered by
the astronomers. 1t is supposed that
the man in the moon is growing a wart
on his nose.
Now the golden-throated mule with his
tail sticking out as straight as a pump
handle, and his breath sweet with new
mown hay humps his back and sings his
summer songs.
Young lady-"O, l am so glad you like
birds. Which kind do you like the most"
, Old Gentleman-"Well,I l think goose,
with plenty ofstufhng, is about as nice as
any"
"Your wife has gone away, I hear"
"Yes, sir" "Do you think the change
will benefit her2" 81 hope so, sir" LET
me see-where has she gone" ITO heav-
en-, hope, sir"
If DIR. Mary Walker continues to pant
for fame, why don't she 60 and join the
Turks and when the Russians storm the
Turkish stronghold, she can throw her
self into the breeches.
The real nice young lady will leave
small spoonful Of ice cream in her dish
when she and her young man rise from
the table, and then 60 back and scoop it
in while he is paying the bill.
"Ah," he said, "another circus in town;
l see the white tent in the distance" He
was short-sighted, however, and it prov
ed to be nothing but a fashionable young
man wearing one of the present style of
collars.
A youth refused to take a pill. His
crafty mother thereupon secretly placed
the dill in preserved pear and gave it to
him. Presently she asked, "Tom, have
you eaten your pear" He replied: Yes
mother; all but the seed."
Spain has professed the Christian re-
ligion for many centuries past she claims
high order of civilization; she has pro-
duced orators and poets of great repute
and yet her kings and mobiles and other
great men, and even her noble and beau
tiful women, attend bull fights
It makes a farmer mad as wet hen to
see potato bug with pick on its shoul.
der crawling over his garden fence and
when it pauses on the top rail to ask why
in the name of Julius Cesar he didn't
plant earlier, only mortal fear of the
pick prevents him from ordering it otfthe
premises.
One of the Providence (R. ~ doctors
the other day engaged to teach young
college graduate the practical art Of heal
ing the sick He was called TO see Ger
man who was sick with delirium tremens
and asked him his age and business. The
sick man told him that he was a musician
and forty years old. The learned doctor
then told his student that allbrass instru-
ments were 80 severe tax upon the
players throat that it frequently needed
a little wetting in the form of beer or
brandy, and a sad result of this fact was
the patient before him. The latter was
then asked what instrument he played.
He answered, Il blays zecond viddle most
always GfliDIO lIkA
The Toronto Globe tells an amusing
story of farmers solicitude for a valu-
able calf He was on board of the steam
boat Cumberland on Lake Erie, accom-
panied with his wife and children, and a
calf for which he had paid 5000, with
, which to improve his stock at Goshen,
this State. The boat struck a rock, and
CONSERVATION ensued among the passen-
gers, The farmer grasped two life pre-
servers, and buckling one around the calf
and the other around himself, awaited
the final crash, without once thinking of
his family. When the danger was pass
ed, those who witnessed his anxiety for
the safety Of the calf, proposed pre-
senting him with a pair Of life presery-
ers for special service in case of future |
mishaps. lt'
"You are a nice member of the Young
Mems Christian Association" said an |
irate collector to an exasperating debtor,
to make me call q dozen times for this lit
tie bill" young Mems Christian !" said |
the impecunious one--"I ain'tany Young
Mems Christian" "Wot do you hev ".
M. G. A. stuck up there for, then 2" said
the collector, pointing to the heading ofa
circular posted up on the desk. 20 hay
emit you seen that beforeN replied the |
debtor; II got tired Of disappointing 80
many Of you fellers. MOST of 'em know
when they see the sign that it means
you May Call Again; got the idea from
the Hon. BardWell Slote", and he filed |
up the last unocCupied corner of the blot
ting pad with his signature as the Collec-
tor slammed the door.
Judge Bingham--one of the men made
famous by Marx Twain's TnnoCents
Abroad"-has naturally no high opinion
of the author of that interesting work,
which, he says, is 20 low publication that
can only excite the contempt ofwise men
and the goddess laughter Of fools.p The
Judge told reporter how the book was
written; "Why, he'd lie down on his
stomach on the floor, with whisky bot