The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1877-01-06


courlship.
A Slender Joke-When fellows father
and roher are very thin. he is doubly justl-
fled in calling them his sparc-ents.
This is Gaelic proverb: off the best mans
faults were written upon his forehead,it would
make him pull his hat over his eyes"
An old bachelor says that when he
woncd she wouldn't, and hat WAS the cause
of It.
An editor wishes no bodily harm to his sub.
scribers, hut he hopes that some Of them in ar
rears will be seized with remttcnt fever.
The modern cook.stove is approaching a
degree OF perfection which will acquire com.
pecnt engineer with Il stated salary to run It..
A Kentucky back woodsman, seeing wag-
on fbr the first time, watched it closely, eX-
peciing the hind wheels would catch up with
thu tore wheels and "smash the whole riggin'."
Tramps complain that the free lunches are
moi served up early enough in the morning.
Breakfast at eleven is too fashionable Tor a
man who sleeps in the public square.
The paragraphist OF the future Will write
such items as this: "a strong wind came
through window and overturned Mrs. Weed
ers crcmatory jar yesterday forenoon, and
her husbands earnings were swept away IN a
twinklpg."
Oars gwine to be wah," remarked col
Orrd citizen, IAN all We niggahs mout jess
well git ready Tor active business" (which
side shall we take?" asked one OF his hearers.
"You nlggahs can take jes wat side yer please;
Use gwine to take de Canada side"
Talk about discovering Agamemnon's
tomb! What is that to the discovery of a new
codtishing ground OF the coast OF Labrador?
Over seven thousand square miles of water
full of Goldfish. On, chowder
"Tbcre" said Jones, as he wrathiuily push
ed away the pie which his landlady had just
served HIM, 1.-THE stuff isn't fit for pig to eat
and amt going to eat it."
In carving turkey in the presence of
strangers it is breach of etiquette to stop
more than twice to spit on your hands and
take q new hold
Correspondents spea!. of the naked appear
ance of the Centennial buildings, though
every one has heard Of their close. Why
don't they put them on?
A revolution has bi token out in San Domln-
90, but for the sake of history it should be
stated that 1t is not the same one that broke
out last week. That one was captured and
put in the lookup before the new one had
fairly started.--Er
A belated citizen, from whom policeman
was trying 10 rescue a lamp post a few morn
ings ago, violently resisted the endeavor, ex
claiming: "Lemme lone! I'm (hic) hold'n
tn tOrtr
The meanest man on the street nowadays is
the one that is seen hanging around band OF
street musicians, near enough to hear the mu
Sic but far enough away to avoid the hat.
Flowers of Fashion-Dressmaker How
would you like the dress made? Cook; The
latest fashion, of course. Dressmaker: A
pocket, suppose? Cook: No. everybody
wears pockets nowadays. Even Missls and
young Miss has 'em.
Conc'usive-Tim; An is 1t me health ye'd
be askin' afher! Sure an it's half dead am,
comm down to work in all that ram this
mornin' Mike: Niver bit did ye, Tim. BY
the hockey, come down in part of it mcself!
Funny Folks.
Frank" SAID an atieciionate mother the
other day to a promising boy, "if you don't
stop smoking and reading SO much, you will
get so after a while that you won't care any.
thing about work" Mother" replied the
hopeful, lelsurely removing a very long CT
gar, II have got so now
"What dc we call moneyg swell, by sew
eral or more names. Some describe 1t as
"spondulix," some as "lhe stuff some as
"the sugar." some as "rlnO," some as spoons"
some as "the ready others as "brads." The
French call il Sargent" the English "the
needful," in Mexico, casting" In the South
it is "rocks," in the East tin" in the West
rags" in Canada it goes by the name of
"spelter." HeIeabouts it Is short"
The versatile tramp, altering his demeanor
and adapting his occupation TO suit the chang
ing seasons, no longer appeals for broken
vlctuals, but patiently bides his time near the
hall door and in due time, if he faints not,
walks away with set of furs, PAIR of Arc
tic overshoes, a silk umbrella, and $50 over
co&t.-Hdukeye.
A der.hearted lady of Texas, when pres
ent at a blackbird shooting, asked: why
don't they shoot the little birds on the ground
so they won't fall and hurt themselves"
"Some things" said an excited politician,
"can be foreseen and foretold; and now for
see, and Will now fortel, that the day Will
come when our liberties will be no more
This is as certain, my fellow citizens, and 1t
is as sure as that Romeo founded Rome"
\ young man was teaching in a district
school when one cay the following converse
ton took place:
Teacher Ito little girl whom she sees weep
ing violently. "What is the matter, Fanny"
Fanny. "Je-Je-Je-Johnny's tryin' tt
Ito kiss"
Teacher {lnterrupting). Johnny, were you
trying TO kiss Fanny