Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1877-10-26
Flu N :!

more prominent than his old hat, entered
a Congress street saloon yesterday, gave
the barkeeper military salute, and said:
s'Let me introduce myself as General Bar
ton, just from the palms, 'How do you
do, general gently now-ah, there you
go!" replied the barkeeper as he took him
by the neck and pushed him out on the
walk. The dead-beat stood at the curb
stone and looked back in dazed sort OF
way, and when he finally crossed the street
he growled: cts dark, dark mystery to
me that can never go into saloon to ask
how far it is to Chicago, that the proprie-
tor does not stand ready to raise a car
buncle on my neck. Perhaps it would have
been better had I called myself senator
from Nevada
A Hackensack man was last midnight
seen creeping softly along the bedroom
floor, on his hands and knees, and was
feeling tenderly under the bureau for
something he had hidden there the even
ing before, but his wife awoke and said,
s'Peter, what under the heavens are you
doing THEREOF "Dear," said he, "I'm
walking in my sleep and dreaming that
am picking water-lillies from the soft, blue
bosom of the lake, How to get the bottle
out of there before she got up in the morn
ing was what worried him more than the
Water-lillies did.
WHY SHE WoULDN'T.-A young lady
was at party, during which quarrels be-
tween husband and wife were discussed.
81 think" said an unmarried older son,
''that the proper thing is for the husband
to have it out at once, and thus avoid
quarrels for the future. l would light a
cigar in the carriage after the wedding
breakfast, and settle the smoking question
forever.'7 II would knock the cigar out
of your month";" interrupted the belle.
H'Do you know, 1 don t think you would be
there,'' he remarked.
He was wild Texan, just from the
frontier, and had boarded the train at
Fort Worth for Dallas. 1t was his first
ride on the '.keers,' and as the conductor
reached in his hip pocket for his punch,
the sharp eye of Texas caught a glimpse of
its polished handle, and, quick as thought,
he levelled a navy-six on that conductor,
saying. s'Put 'er up, or I'll blow daylight
through you. No man can get the drop on
me''
There was silence in the school. The
teacher had struck the bell calling atten-
tion and every eye was bent upon her.
This was favorable opportunity for
the spread of information, and one of the
little boys perceiving it raised his hand
"What is it. Johnny?" asked the teacher.
''Tommy Miggs' fathers COW has got
calf,'' shouted the excited youngster, his
face aglow with intelligence. The teacher
wilted.
A worthy couple, during violent thun-
der STERN, were discussing the cause and
effect of the forces of nature. who in
vented lightning?'' inquired the lady.
Benjamin Franklin!'' was promptly re-
piled. At this astounding intelligence the
lady paused awhile, as if rejecting upon
the achievements of the inventor, and IL
nally manifested her appreciation thereof
by the exclamation: "Cussed fool, wasn't
he?''
Literary young man at a party: 'sMiss
Jones, have you seen Crabbe's Tales?'
Young lady. scornfully: 81 was not aware
that crabs had tails.'' Literary young
man, covered with confusion: II beg your
pardon, ma 'am; [ should have said, read
Crabbe's Tales?' Young lady, angrily
scornful: "And was not aware that red
crabs had tails. either.'' Exit young man.
Ministers will have their little jokes like
other people. ''Come over and preach for
me tonight" said Chicago divine to
clerical friend whom he met in the street
not many days since, 81 am almost down
sick with the headache "Well," drolly
observed the other, II guess you can do it;
for if you preach as you usually do, you
won't have to use your head any,"
Gail Hamilton says this voluntary re-
signation'' by ofice-holders all over the
country is very much like that Of the old
farmers wife. ''Was she willing to dep
inquired the sympathizing neighpor. "Will-
ing,'' responded the bluff old widower,
"she was obleeged to!''
It is nonsense to talk as the Detroit
Free Press' does, about Boston's eating
fish to replenish her brains" Of course
she does nothing of the sort. She is SO
full of brains already that the eating of a
single sardine would cause her to slop over.
A guileless boy was deluded the other
day into picking up the handle OF gal
vanic battery. He yelled Justify until they
..shut her of, and in describing his sensa-
tions said he could taste green perslm-
mons all over himself.
eff could only get elected cashier Of a
Chicago savings bank, ''blame it [ would
not reform, and be a better man and 90
to Europe in month or two with fifty
thousand dollars in me pocket
isYou're smart fellow" said a lawyer
TO witness, sneeringly, Che other day.
SID return the compliment it ! wasn't
under sath,' replied the witness.
What this country wants is few more
cent stores. A dollar is too |
much to pay FOR twenty-five cent articles.
An old negro cook says, ''Sass is power
full good inseyerything but children. Dey |
need some oder kind of dreSSn.."
Brigham Young has gone to a great
summer resort-from whose burn mo
traveller returns. ;