Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1877-01-12
f. N =

ing, my son?" called a Chicago father from
his bedroom on a cold and snowy morning.
eyes, it's going," called back the boy
from the sitting room.
Then the father, bounding from his
warm bed and gra bling his trousers and
stockings, came skipping into the sitting
room, only to find the atmosphere frigid
enough to freeze the very cuticle right off
his bare limbs, and not a spark of warmth
in the stove which the boy stood pottering
over.
ST thought you s-said the fire was ego
ing?" bawled the father between shivers.
$50 it was" replied the irreverent lad
-"g-going out! !"
Then a circus performance started up in
that room, in which the smallest of the
ground and lofty tumblers would undoubt-
eddy have been killed had he not thought
fully lodged out doors into the snow.
A. little ragged urchin, begging in the
city the other day, was asked by a lady who
filed his basket, if his parents were living?
"Only dad, marm." said the boy.
"Then you have enough in your basket
to feed your family for some time,7' said
the lady.
go, no, I haven't NEITHER" said the boy,
ssfor dad and me keeps five boarders; he
does the house work, and L do the
market'n."
A few days since, a little ragged urchin
had been sent by a mechanic to collect a
small bill which had just become due. He
began IN the usual way, by becoming more
and more importunate; at length the
gentleman's patience being exhausted, he
said to him, ''you needn't dun me so sharp
ly; I'm not going to run away at present."
81 don't suppose you are," said the lad
scratching his head, ''but my master is,
and he wants the money"
AS as gentleman was nearly run over in
a narrow street by a dray. be shouted to
the driver "Do you want to kill me?"
whereupon the intelligent driver replied,
eff I had knowed you was coming this
way l would nave sent you a postal card!''.
ssIf I was as fat>footed as you are I
would not be afraid of slipping on the side
walk" Eyes," was the response, ''some
people are fiat on one end. and some on
another" And then the first chap looked
thoughtful, and went on down street.
An old lady, reading about "More arms
for Turkey" remarked that she thought il
would be better to gave them more legs. if
there were a dozen children at a dinner
table where there was roast turkey, each
one was sure to ask for a leg.
Conversation in a Brooklyn Sabbath
school: Teacher: Who was the most dis
tinguished King CT Israel? Bright boy:
Solomon. Teacher: Why las he dis
tinguished? Bright boy: Cos he had sever
hundred wives.
An inebriate recently fell and broke his
nose against a barber's pole. On heine
raised from the ground he asked. WHAT
thunder Eat woman VII striped stockings
on got against me?"
81 tell you," said Tom Young, Hayes
lieutenant-governor, 'the people of Ohio
think Hayes is an angel.'' ''Then,' re
joined a sturdy old granger Democrat.
f'they must mistake his ears for wings"
Mamma" said little Nell, fought gov
erness to fog me for what l haven done?'
''No, my dear; why do you ask?' "'Cause
she flogged me to-day when 1 didn't do my
sum-"
Uncle Hezekiah said to his nephew:
"James, when you come to pick out a gal
for a wife, don't get a prodi-gal, but see to
it that she is frugal and suits your con
ju.gal t~astes.'
A veteran punster being asked why it
was that a certain point on the Mississippi
was called Maiden's Bluff, innocently an
swered: s'Because it's a vergin' on the
river"
"Oh, we don't mind the fourth story"
said an Ohio Congressman's wife, in choos-
ing Washington lodgings, the other day;
1--WE can 60 up and down in the ventilator.'
Thermometers are made in Nevada by
filing a stovepipe with whisky. When the
whisky freezes solid change in the weather
is predicted.
What is the difference between a
donkey and a postage stamp? One is
liked with a stick, the other is sticked
with a lick.
A Texan banking firm at Fall River has
suspended. The rumor is that a cattle
drover passed. a bad ten dollar bill on
them.
The editor who was told that his last
article was clear as mud, promptly replied,
ssWell, that covers the ground, any
way"
What's in a name again? MI. Sylvanus
Bump was landed on his head out of his
wagon at New Bedford, the other day.
Widows who nave lost two husbands are
the only ladies who have as yet evinced
much interest in the third term.
When she strnck him over the head with
a tin dipper for trying to kiss her, he call
ed it, naturalization of the BELLE"
How pretty she looks making Christmas
slippers and dressing gown for her ''gum-
drop"
Why is a dog biting his tail like a good
manager Because he makes both ends
meet.
Why is a watchdog bigger by night
than by day Because be is let out at
night.