davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24
A Matrimonial Machine.

Parson Dean, who married Mary Knox
to somebody in Carmel, n. Y, has, it is
understood, invented and constructed a
machine for his Office which marries
visitors and takes their photographs 81
simultaneously. John Merritt insists
that he hasn't been married to anybody;
the parson is not quite certain who offici
ated as bridegroom; Mary Knox is all
adrift, and has dragged her alleged hus-
band to court; but the new machine will
fix future identity beyond doubt. The
candidates, having made known their
wishes, are admitted to an unoccupied
room, where each is firmly seized by the
arm and ankle, and backed calmly, but
irresistibly against a headrest upholster-
ed on the wall. There is now no chance
for either to escape. In this position
the bridegroom unconsciously steps on a
lever, which swings camera into posi-
tion at the other end Of the room.
The parson hereupon enters, assumes
an easy but vigilant position at the cam
era, and takes out his watch. The fol-
lowing trialogue ensues:
Parson-" You desire to be united in
the holy bonds of matrimony ?"
n. Nj" We do
Bridegroom" Can't you loosen these
manacles moment? They pinch"
Parson-"I regret my inability to ac-
cede to this request. 1t is my only pro-
lection against fraud. Please remove
your veil, madam. Join right hands.
Look steadily at this nail in the parti-
ton. Smile tenderly. You do solemnly
promise to love, wink as much as you're
mind to, cherish and protect the per-
son, don't stir, whom you now hold by
the right hand, steady, steady, never
mind the fly, as long as you both shall
live; therefore, in the presence of these
witnesses, don't twitch your ear, sir, ]
pronounce youman and wife. Twenty :!
Time up. Very well done.
The parson then politely touches the
lever and releases them from the trap.
He writes the certificate on the back Of
the photograph, and files away the
negative. Parson Dean doesn't mean to
be caught out again. .--Ne,c York SIN.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24
Eight More as DWelye.

A farmer let his lands to an oil COM
pany last spring, on condition of recoiv-
ing one eighth Of the oil produced. The
well proved to be pretty good one, and
the farmer began to think that the ell
men should give him better chance,
and ventured to tell them so. They ask
ed him what he wanted. He said they
ought to give him one-twelfth. The
agreement was finally made, with the
understanding that the farmer was not
to tell any one All went smooth until
the next division day came, when our
friend was early at hand to see how
much better he would be off under the
new bargain. Eleven barrels were rolled
to one side of the oil men, and one for
him. This did not suit him. Chow S
dish ?" says he. 81 think I was to get
more as before, By iinks you make
mistake !" The matters were explained
to him, that he formerly got one barrel
of every eight, but it was his own propo-
sition to only take one of every twelve.
This revelation took him aback. He
scratched his head, looked cross, and re-
heved his swelling breast of feelings OF
self-reproach by Indignantly remarking
"Well, dat ish de first time as ever ]
know'd eight was more as dwelve."
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24
A Constitutional Amendment.

Representative Maish, of Pennsylva-
mia, introduced in the United States
House constitutional amendment en-
bodying rather cumbrous but ingenious
plan for dividing the mass vote of State
for President by the number of electoral
votes possessed by the State, and credit
ing to each candidate his share of the
electoral votes of such State obtained on
the basis of the electoral average reached
by the division of the mass vote. For
example, let the mass vote Of New York
be 100000; this divided by thirty
three would, in round numbers, give 80, =
900 as the electoral average. The Hayes
vote divided by this average would have
shown sixteen electoral votes for the Re-
publican candidate, and the Tilden vote
so divided would have given the remain
ing seventeen votes to the Democrats.
The plan has at least the merit of insur-
ing a certain recognition to minorities.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24
A Lucky Fall.

Perhaps richer specimens, but cer-
tainly no more beautiful ones, have ever
been taken from any mine than are now
being obtained from q recently discover
ed lode in Jimtown. The story runs
that for months the miners, in going to
and from their daily labors, have Travelled
along a certain path, wearing the earth
away to a rock. A vein was thus brought
to light which presented no attractions
to the prospector, and was trod upon as
OF no account. A laborer, two weeks
ago, swung sledge upon his shoulder,
and started early in the morning for his
accustomed toll on the mountain side.
Reaching the vein, he carelessly allowed
the heavy stone breaker to fall upon a
projecting point, and thereby detached
several pieces of the vein matter. The
white character of the rock, and its gilt
tering particles disclosed to him one of
the richest mines in the world. Liberally
full were thewhite specimens with bright
particles of almost pure gold !; and, al
though a shaft has been sunk to the
depth Of nine feet, the rock increases in
richness, and at the bottom very thin
strips of wire gold seem to hold together
the fragmentary parts of the vein matter.
Untold wealth is the sure possession of
the men, Virden and Griffin, who own
this treasure vault of the hills. Denuei'
Ne2US.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24
Why He Wept.

He left her and stepped out to see a
friend between acts.
"Why, Edward" said she, when he
returned, "there are tears in your
eyes,"
g Yes, pet" replied he, solemnly, 81
suppose there are-I saw such sad sight
when was out"
"Did you-what was it ?" inquired
she.
"Such sad sight continued he,
keeping his face away that she might
not smell his breath--''I discovered a
young man whom 1 have known for
years drinking whisky"
"You did p
Yes, standing right in plain sight
before me, partaking deeply and careless
ly of the dreadful intoxicating glass.
There was a little pause, when the
young lady suddenly said
Edward, was he standing right in
front Of you?'
I" Yes, pet, was the reply"
There was another pause, when the
young lady asked again
Edward, don't most of the fashion
able saloon counters have great nice
mirrors right on the walls behind them p
Edward flushed little and looked
quizzical as he replied that he "believed'
they did.
And here he permitted the subject tc
drop.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24
The Case of Mary Flood.

Mary Flood was a comely young Irish
woman, unfaithful to her husband On
a Sunday morning Flood, maddened by
finding his wife in another mans apart
ments, pursued her with the first weapon
he could lay his hands upon, an iron
reamer, and killed her ON the threshold
of the home she had dishonored. The wo-
man is dead and the murderer afterward
gave himself up to justice, his own con-
science being his pursuer.
Almost a similar history of misery and
crime has Just reached its elimination in
Philadelphia. -Four years ago beauti-
full girl of respectable parentage was
tempted from her home to q career of
vice. During these four years her
brother, a decent, honorable, middle
aged man, has followed her in vain,
striving with tenderness, arguments, ap-
peals of every kind, to bring her back to
a pure life. The woman's nature was
hopelessly corrupted. If she returned
for season, temptation was waiting
near at hand, and she fell again each
time lower than before. The brother
was driven by grief and shame at last to
drink, and few weeks ago, while crazed
with rage and liquor he discovered this
poor Alice, who had been so dear to him
in his childhood, in an infamous house,
and shot her through the heart. So this
woman also is dead. Another innocent,
happy home is held up to public shame,
stained indeibly with crime and blood.
The brother, "whose load, as the judge
said while sentencing him, chad been
heavier than many men are called upon
to BEAR" is condemned to wear out the
best years of his life in the penitentiary.
The seducer can read the story at his
ease in the morning paper, quite satisfied
that there is no point where the crude,
cropping fingers of the law can touch him
Even public opinion has no heavier pun
ishment for him than half amused re-
buke.
The law and society provide prompt
remedies for the injuries inflicted by
blows with iron clubs or pistol shots
but of hurts which go down into the sou
and life, corrupting the one and running
the other, they have no cognizance
Hence it may be in place even for {
merely secular journal to remind it,
readers now and then that there is {
reality more mighty and enduring than
crime in tenement houses or its punish
ment in courts wider, more stable life
in which the errors of this perplexei
world will be set right in calm and Ger
tainty.-N Y. Tribune.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24

Just after the polls opened, commenced
to pour with drenching fury. 1t beat
through the tent top, trickled from the
ridge pole down upon the bare polls of
the polling officers, who had done honor
to their position by taking off their hats
to it, and into the mining pan, which
was used to hold the ballots, SO as to con-
vert the poll into floating vote, as each
ticket was "cast upon the surface of the
occasion to trust to the sublmity of
luck" as to whether it would wash or
might run as it was read. The condition
of things was too overpowering for
patriotism alloyed with flesh and blood
to withstand and without the fear of
having their action repudiated by an
overturning board ON the suspicion of
bull-dozing the ballot although admit
ting that they were intimidated by the
rain--by common consent q change of
location was made. A monte dealer in a
waterproof tent agreed to allow the Off
GERS the use of his table ON condition that
a good vote was polled for his friend Car
penter, of Mississippi, for the Legisla-
ture, and, on round number of voters
agreeing to the proposition, he announced
"the game is made !" cleared away his
piles of coin and sacks of dust, his
spread and himself, and surrendered the
table to the uses of the election. Then
the polls were held until they closed and
the count was duly proclaimed But
Carpenter failed of an election.
Charley Shaw was not in condition to
officiate after an early hour of the after
noon. His arduous and very responsible
duty during the UiUa Voce voting had
required frequent stifeners, and by the
time he found himself let out by the sub
stitution of the ballot system he was SO
overcome as to need rest, or at least
renOsa
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24
Farming in ENGLAND.

The Mark Lane ErpreSs, the organ
of the British corn trade, says that farm
ing as a business is certainly at as low
an ebb as any other branch of produc-
tion can be, and that those farmers will
be fortunate who do not find themselves
at the end of the agricultural year poorer
than at the beginning, as too many of
them did last year. There are two al
NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. of price of labor
or reduction of rent. That rents will
come down unless farming as business
improves there can be no doubt. But
even now land pays only from two and
one-half to three per cent. on it's value.
This problem will have to be solved
pretty soon. The situation grows more
serious for all parties. Farms are being
thrown up all over the country, and
there is loud and general outcry of the
extent to which tenants are sacrificed to
the sporting mania of their landlords.
The English LGborer says that there
are plenty of farms on which the damage
done by ground game is nearly equal to
the whole labor bill :"
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24
MinneSOta's HOppers.

The Detroit Free. Press has the fol-
lowing There arrived in this city, di-
rected to the Free Press, box about
two feet long, eight inches wide, and six
inches deep, which was filled with damp,
rich, black earth, while skipping over
the top of the earth, and burrowing
therein, were myriads Of grasshoppers,
varying in size from that of an ordinary
ant to that OF a juvenile cockroach. Upon
the box was placard stating that the
earth was taken from the farm of F. E.
Ford, Glencoe, Mcleod county, Mime
sofa, and that the little cusses were
Matched in the Office of the Glencoe
Register, Liberty Hall, publisher. . The
cargo of pests left Glencoe January 20,
at which time they were one week old
and when inspected they were in good
condition, and capable of making pre-
disieus jumps,
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24
A Kiss.

GA kiss" says writer, sis seal ex-
pressing q sincere attachment = the
pledge of future union-a present taking
the impression of an ivory coral press
crimson balsam for love wounded hearts. F"
We had no idea, says the Norristown
Herald, that kiss, when dissected,
would prove such simple thing. I'M
agine young man, as he bids his girl
adieu on the front step at three O'Clock
A. NJ. on Monday, darting back, as she is
about to close the door, to snatch some
"crimson balsam for love wounded
heart" And girl might ask her lover
for some of that balsam right before the
old folks, and they would think it was a
new kind of gum drop.
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24
Maureen COsha DhaS.

Maureen Cosha Dhas
Yer thepurtiest lass
Ever walked on shoe leather or dhrove a boy
mad
For your wee little feet
And yer figure 30 sweet
Are too much for the brain of poor Irish lad.
Maureen Cosha Dhas
When 1 see ye at mass,
Saints above I'm am afraid that it's t. yeh 1
pray;
Au'th crown o my hat
When look at that
Has yer purity face there wild the dimples at
play.
Naureen Cosha Dhas
Thin the MEDIA ye cross,
To your fathers nate cabin just under the
hill,
Tn divil we're tould,
Tempted Tony of ould
Wild woman-Bedad we've the pattern still.
Maureen Cosha Dhas
(Yer's tn sly little lass)
Wild yer "Top O. tn mornin'," thin yeh go on
yer way,
But yer purity eyes dance
And yeh gives me glance
That sez "Dinny, agra have yeh nothin' t
say?"
Maureen Cosha Dhas,
I'll not let yeh pass
Th next time meet yeh at fair or at wake
Me pace yeh destroy
An that's hard on boy
That'ud fight whole faction and die for yer
sake
Maureen Cosha Dhas
Well sit on the grass
Wild me arm round yer waist, and tear in yer
eye;
And yehld say "Darlin Dinnis
Spate to Father Maginnis;
Shure I'd rayther do that, now, nor think that
yed die :"
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24
The Famine in India.

A correspondent of the London Times,
writing from Madura, says:
"But the saddest feature Of all is the
condition of the human inhabitants of
this great peninsula. 7 will simply re-
count what 1 know and testify of what I
have seen with my own eyes in the capi-
tai Of this presidency.
"Only a fortnight ago [ saw many
thousands of poor famine driven crea-
lures from the villages round Madras
collected on the shore and on the pier.
They were crowding round the sacks of
rice grain, with which the sands for at
least mile were thiclkly covered and al
most concealed from view, the grain
bags being often piled up in mounds to
the height of fifteen feet or twenty feet.
"Yet no onslaught was made on the
grain. A few men scattered about,
armed with canes, were guarding the
sacks for the merchants who owned
them, and were sufficient to prevent any
attempts at depredati IN, though here
and there / detected surreptitious
efforts, not so much to make incisions,
as to enlarge any happy defects already
tpptiISllO III tlc 1udUSIlu1 NlllCll luCiOst(t
the coveted food.
"What generally happened was this
Very few of the grain bags were SO well
made as to make any leakage impossi-
bic, and sprinkings of rice were thus
scattered about everywhere. The
knowledge Of this circumstance was the
cause of the vast concourse of miserable
half starved emaciated creatures who
had walked many miles to the spot.
Men and women, old and young, even
cripples, mothers with infants on their
hips, and naked children-al more OF
less pitiable in their leanness and i'll
their hard-set aspect Of misery-were
earnestly engaged in cleaning up every
grain that escaped from the sacks on the
pier and on the shore"
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24
NO. s.
Indignant Polly WOg.

A tree toad, dressed in apple green,
Sat on mossy log
Beside pond, and shrilly sang
"Come forth, my Polly Wog-
Ny Pol-my Ly-my Wog,
My pretty Polly Wog;
I've something very sweet to say,
Ny slender Polly Wog!
"The air is moist-the moon is hid
Behind heavy fog.
No stars are out to wink and blink
At you, my Polly Wog-
My Pol-my Ly-my Wog,
My graceful Polly Wog;
Oh, tarry not, beloved one
My precious Polly Wog "
Just then away went clouds, and there
A-sitting on the log
The other end, mean-the moon
Showed angry Polly Wog.
Her small eyes fashed-she swelled until
She looked almost frog;
:" How dare you call me, sir, she asked,
Your precious Polly Wog"
"Why, one would think your life was spent
In some low muddy bog;
I'd have you know, to strange young toads,
My names Miss Mary Wog."
One wild, wild laugh that tree toad gave
And tumbled off the log,
And on the ground he kicked and screamed
"Oh, Mary, Mary Wog
Oh, Ma oh, Ry oh, Wog
Oh, proud Miss Mary Wog
Oh, goodness gracious what joke!
Hurrah for Mary Wog !"
Mrs. Margaret Eytinge, in Scribne''s
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24
Invincible in Peace; Invisible in War,

The authorship Of this aphoristic wit
ticism has generally been attributed to
the Hon. Ben. Hill, of Georgia, who re-
Gently applied it, on the floor of Con-
,gress, to the present day. The merit of
It belongs to the late Capt. George H.
Derby, better known by the nom dc
plume OF "John Phoenix" When a.
toned at San Francisco he was invited
to public dinner given by company
of State militia. Being called upon for
toast, though guest, he could not re-
press h love for satire, and accordingly
gave: "The California Militia-Invis'
cible In PeseeI Invisible il War"
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24
A Sympathetic Coroner.

The annual report of the Chicago
coroner is a singular document. 1t be-
gins with quotations from Horace, and
then the following from "Hamlet as
pertinent to the subject
Ito die-to sleep
No more-and, by STEP to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural
shocks
That flesh is heir to-'tis consummation
Devoutly to be wished"
Next comes a sage consideration. of the
frequency of murders, in which is this
"The pistol and knife are frequently
made the sole arbiters of human strife,
and we are rapidly returning toward that
barbarous condition Of affairs in which it
was necessary to instruct children, al
most from infancy, in the use of deadly
weapons, in order that they might easily
acquire skill in the handling of the ami
able and useful Instruments. The coro-
ner devotes careful attention to suicides,
and incidentally says that suicide is par
ticlllarly common among the Germans
of Chicago--,as to which he puts forward
theory "The well known national
beverage Of the Germans, lager beer,
may have some influence upon their
psychological ailments into the form of
a metamorphosis from phlegmatic ease
to melancholy, and finally, suicidal
MANIA" After discussing love as an
incentive to suicide, he says: "Let us
pass from the contemplation of the
tragedy of love to that of the poor fellow
who blew out what little brains he had
on account of the tortures to which he
was daily subjected by his mother-in-
law. Mothers-in-law have always been
great power of mischief in the world,
and, alas the plague is SO universal and
enduring that we must despair of even
seeing it overcome. The misery caused
by mothers-in-law is eternal, even as
mothers-in-law themselves are i'm
mortal" "
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24

This is how Offenbach dedlcates his
book to his wife, Herminie Offenbach
"You have desired that should make a
book from these letters written at odd
times. This is the first sorrow you have
caused me. Still, ] bear you SO little
ill-will therefor that l dedicate you this
volume, not for what it is or may be
worth, but because / love to write every
where my esteem and affection for you Z"
Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1877-02-24

A large lot of wine will be sold ont
shortly to close an estate in Georgia.
Some of it was bottled in 1896, and none
of it is likely to sell for less than $25
per bottle. How this simple announce
ment will cause thousands of those fell
lows who travelled with Sherman in 1854
5 70 weep over their onFelessness.
The Rutland daily globe. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1873-1877, 1877-06-27
From Washington.
ECONOMY AND REF. iRM.
WASHINGTON, June 20

WABH1NGTON, June 70.
The Pcst's Washington special says
Secretary Sherman, yesterday, directed
that the required ninety days notice to ter
mir ate existing contracts for printing na-
tional bank notes and internal revenue
stamps, be given the New York, Pniladel-
pha and Washington bank note compan.
les. The secretary gives this order in con-
sequence of the report of Edward McPher-
sou, chief Of the bureau Of engraving and
printing, that the work can be done in his
Office at much lower price than is now
paid.
The secretary of war has issued gener-
al order directing that subsistence stores be
sold to officers and enlisted men ON credit,
for the use of themselves and families. A
similar order enabling them to obtain fuel
will be issued in few days. The 3. Gre
tary has also issued an order susptnding
the order which prohibits the issue of ra
tions to civilians employed With the army,
whose compensa ion exceeds $50 per
month, until an appropriation for the pay
ment of such civilians becomes available.
The president has rendered to Professor
Langston the Haytian mission.
The British consul has received over
$4, 900 for st. John.
The Rutland daily globe. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1873-1877, 1877-06-27

~ 'pNA June 20
rLouH-Recep's of 1884 bushels Que ar d
un ha geo. ues OF lU,U0 OUsn Is n zS3 900
<OJ super hue WESTERN ali ST lie at 81 15,.6g
eumtnon to sOo. Extra Mestern sla,e ut
az STATE at 6 Ss1 Ga0'' gS coI eHS "eS'grs ics
white wheat west, ri extra al SO soas1 o;
a white wheat weste exJIa At 81 %
$50 90: commou to good xtra hlo AZ 60 80
SO 9 Is; tent MINNESOTA extra 6 ,od 10
piine 81 1903 2' choice uVuoia extra
@HL.I celp's no bushels. Market a
shad nrmer aid quleI, Win u MAJ and ad-
VaLce d prizes as "a sales 40 Uu3u Is. -
] 20; ~UfL 20 vary cnoice LAT syrlns at
\ eo -hrbo g,n syrll at s Kansas .prlng
al y % we To W. teri 10
FOL ~. w bushels west in to ar i've sUon FOR ex-
p rt.
BARLEY-M rRet qul tand uuch .nged vert.
ern I, ed at SIC new cr,po 1exAs lee at &C.
oRN.-Rt,,, Ip,h OF Is4 2lt ',.u -. Market
opened &c bitter ani closed Unsettled, with
the advance abouG lost UI auler O., TX, 4;
graocd WIS ern IN "d d. t6He6
steamer mixed at @osc New YoIK NJ. 2
6Okc.
,.rs.-Receipts 1868 onrntl Maik
shade rrmer. sales VI o, % bushels Mixed
western nd ta't St'S'7 wnite wes t!
"a t7c; New ORR NJ. ~hlC, AZ; uuin rcnant-
abb, c; mixed est In a. s6s4sc; NIKE state
at b(9ol, " iJe state at ~
n~r.-S eady ana unchanged.
HoPs- Dali sales of new eastern at
20 l3c western at sal3c
OfFEA ri" quit, e4dy and unchanged;
cargoes at l7a2Vzc gold; niLt B. II Tac.
uaAk. Du la uunchaLged k' d Ieu fir Al !;
ilhsllhc for a sri a; lzc Tor granu.
lated and pO ere, I2Hc or Rushed.
AoLAssks-Dull and uomin H. unc a ged
sales al o5e63 fT Porto hlca i3s55c f.r
English ltna 500 sOc New Url ans.
Ice Quiet an steady.
psrRoLnun -heavy sales OF crude at 6xc
renn-d at l5Ac.
TALLOw M ark firm, Sal OF III 900
pJun AZ SC.
Eaas. Low r. Sales OF stat and Pennsyl-
vania ut i7aIslsc; Esl6Hc for western.
roRk.-harktt opened nimer and osed
he .t$A ofor new mess.
BEEF-Qui
LARD narAet opened frmer and closed
feavs Sa es OF | prl ne steau a. sg %; new
10 at 50 l2HC99 l7H
BUTTkH-harku In buy r favor. Sales at
t82 for WESTERN l9G &c for state
aksS- QIlet aud uuc4aus,d Sales at sc
VIC Tor tiiul o pr .nt.