Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1877-10-06
MARX TWINS MIEIFARFRECORD
The Army Expenses OF the Great
American Jvker-His Latest Enu.

The Army Expenses OF the Great
American Joker-His Latest Enu.
SION
(Sptech at The p rfn1,n Piala IL q u7, oct
l wouidu'J navr mj>set JlI> toe a great
deal. did not sem 1le at the hote pariors
to-day To b. received by COMMITTEES eS
the headquarters of the Pdtnaun Phala X
and insisted ul'Cn my right 20 be guac;ei To
this place as one of Tie military guests.
lApp'au' G and laughtrrJ For l too, am
soldier. am Injured 10 war. have q mill
tary history. have been through q stirring
campaign, and there Is not even a mention
Of !, Ii any history OF the Unitei States or
OF the southern COliederacy. (Laughter.
To such lengths can the envr and the malig-
nifty OF the historian go. / will unb som
myself here, where / cannot but find SYM
paihy. / viii tell you about il, and appeal
through you To justice. In the earliest sum
mer days ri the war stepped out of Hanni-
bal; Mo ny night liaughterl with = friend,
eral Tom Harris,s army q find myself iu a
great minority here Up a gorge beh md
an old barn In Rails county, Colonel Rail
uphold The flag and Constitution of
the United States, and to destroy any
other military organization that we caught
doing The same thing. tGreat laughter.l
IL other words, we were to repel invasion.
Well, you see, this mixed Us. We could not
really tell which side we were on; but we
went into amp and left 10 to the G I'd Of bat
tles-whch was the custom in that day. /
was made second Lieutenant and chief mo.
gu OF a company OF eleven men, whodidn't
krOw anything about war-or anything.
We had no captain. Ny friend, who WAS
plreteen years old, six feet high three feet
vice and some distance through, and just
ont of the infant school, was made orderly
sereeani. His name was Ben Upper, and
he had hard time. When ne Was mounted
anc on the march, he used TO go tn sleep aud
his horse would reach around and bite his
leg and then he would cry and carse and
walt 10 so home. The other men pestered
him good deal, too When they were dis
mounted they said they couldn't march in
double file with him, because bis feet took
up so much room. One night, when we Were
around the camp fire, fellow on the outside
of The circle, in the cold. said: "Ben Upper,
like blanket" Ben said Il amt got any
newspaper" Then that other fellow said,
ooh, see, it's your earl" Laughter We
ali slept in q corn crib on the core and the
rats were very thick. Ben Upper had been
carefully and rigid y reared and when he was
ready for bed he would start to pray, and a
rat would bite him on the heel, and then he
would sit up and swear sll night (laughter)
and keep everybody awake. He was town
bred, and did not seem to have any correct
idea of military discipline: II commanded
him TO shut up he would say, who was
your niger last year" One evening Or
dert d him to ride out on picket duty about
three miles to the beginning of a prairie.
blamed Union soldiers likely To be prowling
around there any time" So he would not
go. Next morning l ordered him again.
IL.
Next day ordered him on picket duty once
more. This time he looked hurt. Said he,
what. on Sunday? You must be durned
fool" PickettDg was impracticable, so 1
dropped 1t from my military system. We
had good enough time there at that barn,
Earring the rain and the rats and the mos
ties imI artialIy, and both parties, hated us
tmpartially. But one day we heard that the
inv sder was approaching, SO we had to pack
up and move. Inside Of twenty -four hours
invader a Snxu ya1
again. And next day he was after us once
more. We didn't like it much, but we
moved Qauehter) rather than to make
trouble. This went On for a week or ten
days, and We saw considerable scenery.
Then Ben Upper lost patience. He says,
WAR is not what it's cracked up to he. Pm
down q minute. Why do these people keep
us humping around so? Blame their skins,
do they think this is an excursion" Some
of the other town boys began to grumble
They complained that there was an INSULT
cheney of umbrellas, and then they com
pIained that the Worcestershire sauce was
out There was mutiny and dissatisfaction
all around, and, OF course, here came the
enemy Fostering US again, two hOurs-mOre
than two hOurs-befOre brea fast. and no.
body wanted 10 turn out at that hour. This
was little too much. The whole command
felt 1Dsulted i detached one of my aids, and
sent him TO The brigadier, and asked him to
assign us TO district where there wasn't so
much bother going on. The history of our
company Was laid before him, but, instead
of being touched by IT, what did he do? He
seft back an Indignant message. He said,
"GOu have had dozen chance S inside of two
weeks 10 capture the enemy, and he is still at
large. Il knew that Stay where you are
thls Time or / Will court martial and hang
the whole OF you +" / submitted this brutal
message To my battalion, and asked their
advice. Said the orderly sergeant, If Tom
Harris wants the enemy let MIN come here
aid get him. l haven't got any use for
NY share. Who's Tom Harris, any
way, thats putting on SO many frills?
WY, l knew HIM when he wasn't any
tuIhg but burned telegraph operator
Gentle mcn you can do rs SOu chOose. AS
Ter me, I've got enough of this sashaying
because the time is all required for cussin'
20 Off goes my war paint. You hear me-"
The whole regiment said: That's the talk
tor us So then and there on the spot NV
brigade disbanded itself and tramped off
home, with me at the tail end OF it. We were
The first men who went into the service i'm
Missouri, and we were the first who went
out OF 1t anywhere. CGreat laughter.) This,
gentlemen, is the history of the part which
my division took in the great Rebellion and
such is the military record of It's commander
1D-chief And this is the first time that the
deeds of those eleven warriors have been
brought officially TO the notice of humanity
Treasure these things in your hearts, and so
shall the detected and truculent historians of
this land be brought to shame and confusion
i ask you to fill your glasses aud drink with
sergeant and those other neglected and for
gotten heroes, my foot sore and travel
stained psladins, who were first In war, FIRST
in peace, and were not idle during the inter-
val that lay between.
clara Inuts> N o11nv,r M, &. ss,o