Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1877-09-20
HulilOr.

Indians are not at all contagious.
They arc very difficult to catch,
A Swell who suffered horribly paid
court to a very pretty actress. "Ah!
sir" said she, g life is too short. Haven't
time to listen to you"
Hayes has a regular old-fashioned
cabinet. He can always find the Key
to 1t. changes his Schurtz when so dis
posed, and uses his best Evarts to keep
it clean.
That was not a bad reply of young
ster the other day, who. on being asked
if he would not like to be an editor, said,
gravely No, | am going to be good
man"
You're smart fellow" sneered a
lawyer to a witness the other day, in a
Brooklyn court I'D return the com
pllment if | wasn't under oath, said the
witness.
Mark Twain thinks nothing seems to
please a fly so much as to be mistaken
for huckleberry. If it can be baked
in cake and palmed off on the umwary
as currant, it invariably dies happy.
Algernon," she whispered, "will you
always, love me ?" Evangeline, |
swear it, he responded in a passionate
murmur. Then there was a sound as
of a clam falling into the mud, and all
was still.
A Young gentleman of Kilkenny,
meeting a handsome milkmaid, said:
"What will you take for yourself and
your milk, my dear?" The girl instant
ly replied: yourself and a gold'ring
Sir"
If you pass through the hen-roost
with careful eye, just now, you will no
tlce sadness creeping over the cOun-
tenances Of the old hens. 1t is not sim
ply the knowledge that they must die,
but the thought that they must be sold
for spring chickens after they're laid out
"Adolphus dear, what shall [ do?
Bridget has struck, and there she stands
at the kitchen door with poker in one
hand and q saucepan in the other,
threatening to break the head of the new
help if she dares to lay her hand to a
dish-rag. It's just awful, so it is, too"
The cobbler's last words: 81 feel that
[ ocar weaker each succeeding day, and
that L am fast approaching my end;
| few more stitches, and all will be over;
and L shall go where is rest for the weary
sole and every sorrow will be heeled. Hay
ing said dal he wished, he calmly breath
| ed his last
An Iowa justice refused to fine a man
charged with the offence of kissing
pretty gill without her consent. "Noth-
ing" he said, "but the dignity of its of
flee prevents the Court from committing
the same offense. The temptation to
an ordinary person would be irresis-
tible"
The colored American sage is emitting
profound wisdom. ''Now, Misser White"
says one of them, "look me in de eye
while [ tole you dat de proper way is to
keep yours eyes rollin round de business
horizon. Eff you owes q firm an dat
firm shaky, doan you pay dat debt, but
jest wait till dey fail"
whats your figure?" said a bride
groom quitting his hand in his pobket)
to the clergyman who had just married
him. He meekly replied. The law
allows me two dollars" Does it?" ex-
claimed the young husband. "WeI
| that's liberal But here's fifty cents more:
so now you've two dollars and a half"
and away he went before the poor parson
could explain.
The Londonderry Journal gives the
following instance of pulpit bull" A
clergyman preaching a sermon on death,
concluded withthe following observation:
" But even death, my brethren, so well
deserved by mankind for their sins, the
wisdom of providence has, in its paternal
kindness, put at the end of our exist
ence; for only think what life would be
worth if death were at the beginning"
MADAME X. has just sent away her
cook who had too many military visitors,
and replaced her by a guileless country
lass. The other day madame took
look in the kitchen, and there saw
superb looking soldier tasting bowl Of
soup. Us it possible you, too, are
guilty of this Kind of thing, Sophie ?"
q" Please, ma'am. you are mistaken.
This is, no doubt, one of the soldiers
left over by the last cook"