The Ouachita telegraph. [volume] (Monroe, La.) 1865-1889, 1877-01-12
A SPEECH ny MARK TWAIN.

A SPEECH by MARK TWAIN. Il
The hall was bright with its fresh
frescoing; the tables were handsomely
but not lavishly decorated with flowers,
the music was excellent, and almost
continuous throughout the time OF eat
ing, and there was y crescendO Of hilar-
ity covering the evening. There was,
however, a scantier number of guests
Of national reputation than in some
former years. Perhaps the most inter-
esting speech Of tile evening was that Of
Mark Twain in response to the toast:
1.-THE Oldest Iniiabitait-The Weather.
Who hath lost and doth forget it?
Who hath it still and doth regret it
"1nterposo betwixt us Itoai,t.''
Merchant of Heuice.
Mr.. Clemens said: 81 reverently be-
lieve that the Maker who made US ali
makes everything in New England but
the weather.. Idon't know who makes
that, but I think it must be raw ap-
prentices in the weather clerks factory
who experiment and learn how in New
England E'r board aud clothes, and
then are promoted to make weather for
countries that reqnire n good article.
and will take their custom elsewhere il
they ION; gat it. L.ugliter.l l.slsa..
.'I' Wa t4atgn;ss4s tne fame aud for
time OF tii&t man tiiat had that mar
velious collection Of weather on exhib-
ition at the Centennial, that SO ;tstounti-
oil the foreigners. He was going to
travel all over the world, and get spec
H%%iS from all the chimes. 1 said
don you go i;} yiIl; coH:,. to New Eng
land on a favorable spring day. told
him what we could do, in the way oi
style, variety, and quantity. II.augt,-
ter. Well, he came, and he made his
collection in four days. AS to variety:
Why, he confessed that he got hun
dreds OF kinds of weather that he had
never heard of before. And as to guam
tity well, after he had picked out and
discarded all that was blenished in any
way, he not only had weather enough,
but weather to spare; weather to hire.
out; weather to sell; to depo,it: we:,-
thcr to invest; weather to give to the.
poor. Laughter and appiause.l
"Old Probabilities has mighty re-
putatien for accurate prophecy, and
thoroughly we'll deserves it. You take
TIP the paper and observe how crisply
and confidently he checks Off what to-
days weather is going to be on the Pat
cific, down South, in the Middle States,
in the Wisconsin regiOn-see him sail
along in the Joy and pride of his power
till he gets to New England, and than
see his tnil drop. He doesn't know
what the weather is going to be in New
England. He can't any more tell then
he can tell how many Presidents of the
United States there's going to be next
year. al Applause. Well, he inulls
over it, and by and by he gets on,
something about like this: Probable
of tn ..,s,
tho southland and westard and BASTARD,
and points between, high and low bar
Ometcr, swapping around from place to
place; probable areas of rain, snow,
hail aud droutl,, succeeded or preceded
by earthquakes with thunder and light
ming. Loud laughter and applause.
Then he jOts down this postscript from
hts wandering mind to cover accidents:
'But it is possible that the programme
may be wholly changed in the rnear,
time.' Loud laughter.]
eyes, one Of the brightest gems in
the New England weather is the ,l,.z-
zling uncertainty Of it. There is only
one thing certain about it-you arc Ger
tain there is going to be plenty of veal
ef-[laugfiter]-a perfect grand re-
view; but you never can tell which
end of the procession is going to move
HTSt. 4 90 INK UP Tor the drought; yOu
leave your umbrella in the house and
sally out with your sprinkling pot, and
ten tn ono you got drowned. rap
ptause.1 You make up your mind that
tho earthquake is due, and you stand
from under and take hold of something
to steady yourself, and the first thing
you get struck by lightning laughter.
These arc great distppuintIncnts. But
they can't be helped. Laughter
The lightning there is peculiar it is so
cnnvincing; when il strikes "A thing II
tH NPsF n t'tn't "a 0f that thing be.
1tf; Toy or ~ jHlt Nl.r!ucr- we'll,
H"u Laihi> II VAS suiHeihins valuable
and u Congressman had been thrrc,
Loud laughter ana applause"