The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1877-08-04
MARK TWAlNs LATEST JOKE,
How lie Organized o Wedding in
the House and Persuaded the
YnnnR MINI.


How lie Organized o Wedding in
the House and Persuaded the
YOnDg man.
Boston Herald.
HARTFORD, July ala good story
about Mark Twain Ia just beginning 70
leak out here. Some time ago he went
on visit TO Elmira, N. Y, leaving bis
quaint house among the trees on Farm.
ington avenue in charge Of his servants.
Nearly two weeks ago an item was pub
lished In the Hartford daily papers Chron.
telling an Intellectual attempt to rob the
hum0riSt's residence. The story was that
a man presented himself at the door one
day, sAyipg that he had been sent by the
gas company 10 inspect the meter and
pipes. The servant, who had not the
slightest suspicion, allowed the strang.
er 10 enter and do as he pleased. When
be supposed no one was watching bis
movements he hid himself away in a
dark corner, OF which there are many in
the old chalet, and waited for darkness.
But the girl, who had watched his move.
mentS, went and procured assistance, and
had the intruder bounced" without cere.
mony. When Mr.. Clemens heard the
story in Elmira, be thought he smelled a
very large rat, and FASTENED to Hartford
with the purpose Of ierretingit out. His
theory was that One OF the servant girls
must have = beau, who WAs admitted TO
to the house at unusual hours, and that,
being caught in the act, this means OF
concealing the real truth Of the case was
adopted. With all the Sagacity Of an
eI.journalist he followed his clue, but
could not establish the theory he had
formed.
But while pursuing his investigation
he learned that one OF the girls who had
been member Of his family for = long
time, was really guilty Of having male
admirer, who occasionally shared the hos.
pitality Of the house, unknown to the pro.
prietor. She was buxom English girl
with n handsome form and bright,
cheerful face. Faithful in the perform.
ance Of her duties, and always solicitous
for the best interests Of the family, she
had made herself almost invaluable TO
the household. The high esteem 10 which
Mr.. Clemens had always held her, no
doubt Influenced his course. He was
sorry to part with the girl who had served
him we'll, but seeing n6-other alterna.
tive, quickly matured a plan that
should let her down easy" After a
long hunt he succeeded in discovering the
Young fellows name. When that was
gained, Mr.. Clemens went down town and
procured n marriage certificate. Re.
turning he'stopped at the residence OF the
Rev. Mr.. TwitChell, pastor Of the Asylum
Street Church, and took him into his car.
riage. Arrived home the first thing done
was TO send for the young man, who soon
appeared, somewhat frightened at the
summo1s. From his dress and general
appearance OF decay, it was evident that
his circumstances were not those OF vio-
lent prosperity. When no was brought
in Mark braced up and tried to look dig.
niied. This was about the dialogue that
ensued:
Msrk-So, young man, you have been
in tho habit Of making hotel OF my
housewife all the modern improve.
ments. [Silence unbroken by the young
, mani Well, "A you don't offer any Oh.
jectioHs we'll take that part OF the matter
Tor granted. II your otlense had stopped
ut that point 1t would have been all right.
am always glad to entertain company
YES, il you had mentioned it | Would
have had the house refurniShed for you.
All that, and more, l would have done
gladly for guest But when you [dig.
nifty and pathos lyon ALLEVIATE the at-
iections OF Maria Jane, when you de.
sceud upon this peaceful fold with base
designs-like a wolf in sleeps clothing,
as ii were-that cannot forgive"
Y. NJ. with humility)-If you please,
sir, amt got no sleeps clothing.
MARX examining the fabric Of the
young mans coatl-Ah, perceive my
error; tits cotton, not wool. However, 1
was speaking metaphorically. As in.
timatcd before, l cannot endure the
thought Of having my home, which, until
your fell presence, had been the abode OF
innocence, turned into kennel OF wrong
doing. When you sought that end, you
not only wounded me MORALLY, but you
aroused nv wrath; and, young man, when
Pm mad I'm bad crowd. In the first
throes Of my passion, l waS doubtful
whether to have you arrested for murder
in the first degree, Or"
At this point the young man showed
symphonic Of terror. But" continued
Mark, "it suddenly occurred TO me that
certain Pennsylvania JudSe-Joe Brady,
| believe-once ruled that in Gaze OF ar
son, the fellow must marry the girl; and
10 | conclude that you must answer to
the crime OF arson; in other words you
must get hitched to Maria Jane"
Apparently, Marks victim was re.
lieved, bu. he was still doubtful. He
said: at you please, sir, I'd be glad to
marry Maria, but l couldn'tSupport her.
amt got no money, and l can't get no
work. / mean to marry her some time,
sir; honest and true l do"
Mark-Thats altogether too thin,
young man. You marry Maria right
here and now, or you 60 for arson.
Y. M.-WeIl, sir, il it comes to that, Of
course I'll marry her.
Mark-TharS the kind Of talk like.
Here TwltcheIl! Maria Jane! Come
here!
And the two people named, followed
by the other servant, entered the room;
the marriage ceremony was performed,
and Mark and the second girl signed the
certificate as witnesses. Alter that Mark
paid the minister, gave the couple $500
10 cash, and sent them adrlft with an in.
jnnction-which, By the way, he ascribed
TO Hoyle-to go and sin no more"
s,.o,.o,;ou rn,oono a., S,,I.