The Portland daily press., 1877-05-04
Mr.. Baringer Weighs Himself.
from the Burlington Hawkeye.I

happier man than Mr.. Baringer never whis-
tied himself home. Everything had gone well
with him through the day. He had worked
off couple of bilious looking new fifty cent
pieces, that his clerk had taken in, on guile.
less rustic customer, and then he had charged
them up to the clerk for taking them in. His
lawyer had collected bill of man Mr.. Bar
niger thought was dead; the Assessor had
made mistake and o1ly assessed his property
at less than one third its actual value; and
Mr.. Baringer was pretty confident he could get
out of paying the tax altogether, on the ground
of erroneous assessment. And then, finally,
policeman had shot neighbor's dog. Every
thing conspired to make Mr.. Baringer feel hap
py as the heart of spring. He whistled all the
way home, and he trolled a merry rcundelay
in a deep rich wheelbarrow to6e as be skipped
up the stairs, he smiled as he entered the hall
and there the song died away, aud the smile
went out of the silent gates of the Was, down
into the echoless aisles of the silent Had been,
out into the shOreless sea of the distant ssAint t
comm back egain," and Mr.. Baringer stood
transfxe3
"Well,'' he growled, after a moment of silent
reflection and contemplation, eyeiDg the object
that had so suddenly changed his happy mood,
"what next, l wonder? As if there wern't
enough legitimate uses for money to make it
go faster than any one can earn it, somebody
must 90 and buy scales with it, What under
the sun, what in the name of common sense,
can we or do we want with grocery scales here?
L believe in my soul that woman would buy
complete set of Fairbanks hay scales if some
peddler would come along and offer it to her. -
He dashed his hat viciously on the hat rack,
and climbed moodily on the scales to weigh
himself
"Fancy old scales, too, he said, ''carpeted
platform and nickelplated dal-indicatOr.
wander if I've gained anything since last fall"
But as he stepped his foil weight upon the
platform, he was surprised to observe no change
in the dial. The indicator pointed at moth
ing" as resolutely IS though it meant it,
"Huhp exclaimed Mr.. Baringer, in some
amazement. And he bounced himself lightly
on the platform, and watched the indicator with
some appearance of interest
But 1T never took the slightest notice of hm.
Then Mr.. Baringer became excited. He
jumped up and down on the platform, and
surged himself down like tidal wave but the
indicator never smiled, and obstinately indi-
Mr. Baringer got frightened and little mad.
"By thunder" he exclaimed, II know better
than that; l know weigh pound, anyhow.
Here" he, shouted, nervously 'pn see what
you mean by this"
And he ran out and brought in an armful of
bricks and piled them on the platform, and
seated himself on them; but the indicator re-
maned as steady as though it had been merely
painted on the dial plate Then he went out
again, with his eyes staring at each other
across the top of his nose and came staggering
in with the axe, the spade, and the lawn-mow-
er, and held them on, and climbed up and sat
down on them, like Marius among the ruins
and gared at the indicator with dreadful ex-
preston of countenance; and the indicator on
ly seemed to settle little more firmly in its
again, and came in with his hair standing on
end, and piled box of sand, coa-scuttle, q
pair of dumb bells, coil of lead pipe, and a
piece of curbstone, and piled them on, and
climbed to the summit of the heap, and looked
The platform gr0aned little under the tremen-
dous weight, and the indicator braced itself up,
and indicated that it wasn't going to bulge un-
der any such inducements.
Then Mr.. Baringer got mad. He cried and
climbed down to the floor and began to lombard
on it. and he yelled and howed at it until the
racket brought the servants and the children
and Mrs Baringer into the hall.
Erasmus Baringerl' shrieked his wife,
"what are you doing? What is the matter
with you?"
'Matter?" he yelled, trying to throw the
lawp-mOwer at the dial. "Doina? 'Smatter
with me? Ruined! Ruined by woman th at
will buy anything peddler can bring her.
Scales that won't weigh anything! Scales that
wouldn't show an ounce if you piled mountains
on 'em! Scales? A blamed old lying-faced
fraud! An old piece OF iron that would be re-
iected at bankrupt junk shop! Scales! A
vile, miserable, fraudulent--'
Mrs. Barnger was down in corner of the
hall, holding on to the carpet with both hands.
screaming with laughter and on the verge of
convulsions.
so help, help. helpp' she shrieked 20, Pm
going to die, know 1 am! o hs, ha, ha, no,
no, no, he. he, he! o DEAR dear, what fool a
man is! o mercy, mercy! o Erasmus Barring
er, you'll be the death of me yet! o mercy,
mercy! Sca-ha. ha, ha-les Scales! o Eras-
mus Baringer! Scales! o, Pm dying woman
Can't you stop me, somebody? Scales! o you
donkey! It's my new health-liftp'