Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1877-06-02
FUNNY, FACETIOUS AND FICTI.
TI0US.
Against Dyspepsia and Dependency.
BY A FRoLTCsOME PHILOSOPHER (DFATocR
TUS HELvETICUSl.


of all wisdom. Now the question is
''Who is the father of the latter ?''
A mischievous fellow once asked |
a philosopher: "What affords wise
men the greatest pleasure ?" Turn
ing ON his heels, the philosopher Ia
replied: "To get rid of |
fools"
"What part of speech is horse"
asked a teacher of one of his pupils. !
"a pronoun,n, answered a voice in
the corner. Chow can it be pro-
nOun," Intercepted the teacher
smilingly. "Well, a pronoun is
something that stands for a noun.
Now, if / want to mount horse, it
certainly stands for me-" was the
triumphant reply of the boy.
A celebrated poet, when about
seventy years old, married a girl
that had seen seventeen summers
only. Some of his friends remOn-
strating with him on account of the
enormous difference in the age, he
justified himself by saying: "Pd
rather have a new blank sword
pierce my heart than an old rusty
one"
In a certain place in France a
tombstone over the grave of doctor
contains the following inscription
G-gH par Qui 6eaucOup gisent ( Here
lies he through whom many lie).
a Spanish proverb says: -Four
things are necessary for a good salad;
a wit for salt, spendthrift for oil,
a miser for vinegar, and a mailman
to stir it all up.
French ladies are women of GLIlt-
sion, German ladies women of iU't-
sion, and English ladies women of
eliSiOn.
A man wishing to have, not spir-
itual but spirituOus consolation, inn
bibed too much wine, got drunk,
was arrested by the police, and tried
next day. On being asked by the
judge if he had anything TO say in
his defence, the delinquent rose,
pulled a bottle ofchampagne out of
his pocket and said: "Here are the
mitigating or extenuating circum-
stances"
A man with the name Spec, had
to testify in a court. care you GER
tain that you are telling nothing
but the truth, inquired the prosecu-
ting attorney. "MOst certain and
convinced" "Why so ?'' because
/ speak from in-Speer-atiOn."
How to dispose of the dead is still
sometimes the subject of animated
discussion. In fact the dead are
bothered too much. They have
tried inhumatiOn, desiccation, Gre
nation, and a certain Hall Of New
York has suggested aquatiOn, or
submersiOn in the water, to serve as
food TO the finny creation.
"What is your opinion about the
European war? am for Turkey"
wrote a friend to another. "That
you are for Turkey, was my con-
tirmed opinion ever since last Christ
mas when l saw that feathered au-
tOcrat served upon your table, and
you sympathizcd and fraternized
with himso Observation-Disclosures
that you even dared to approach
him with fork and knife.
Extract from an anonymous let
ter: "YOu say you have
a box of cigars waiting for me. A
box of cigars in wait, in ambush, to
make an insidiOus assault on me?
oh, that's a happy idea, a precious
invention, decided hint or hit in
the right direction. You have be-
come enormously trickish in the sa-
cred backwOOds of the Red River
district. You want me to become
again acquainted with that divine
weed, the use of which l wanted to
lay aside forever. The idea is worth
a million dollars or less. Look out
for your cigars (yOu didn't smuggle
them OYER from Havana p when
you shall see me dive down into the
dark depths Of your box and linger
there for moments. The attack will
be furious, the exertiOns herculean,
the endurance heroic, the counter
marches swift, and demolition and
destruction merciless. There will
be a terrible smoke, so suffOcating
that the denizens of the neighbOr-
hood will be afflicted with cough
for a whole week. Not hundred,
but at least a dozen, not cOrpses, but
cigar stumps, will be scattered on
the ground, mute witnesses of a
grand and decisive battle"
4 classical student writing 10 one
of his schOOlmates "TO love is
nice"--jueuldltm est dDl0re, says
the Latinist. Love is, of course, of
divers origin; and even the dryest
and dullest grammarian is suscepti-
bile of that heavenly passion, at least
in every grammar that ! have, the
verb to tore, in Latin, anI0re, in
French diHier, in Italian Gmdre, in
Spanish dnldr, in Greek lDhiLein, in
German Geber, ETC., occupies a very
prominent place in the conjugatiOns.
Even Pope Plus H., before he was
elevated to the papal dignity, wrote:
Qui RJngltdDl 0DIOris ig71en Se11tit,
ait beStid est ait LdpiS. | am just re-
viewing the verb 0DlOre, of course,
practically. BY the way, is GHd1'e
a regular verb? Is it not sometimes
very irregular, anomalous, defect
i've, passive? Does it not often take
you through BabylOnian confusion
of language and through an Egypt
ian labyrinth of conjecture5 and
SpcculatioBs -
In a literary debate one of the or
atorical wranglers accused his an
1agoniSt of Wilfull blindness. ''If |