The Bossier banner. [volume] (Bellevue, Bossier Parish, La.) 1859-1952, 1877-08-23
The Hat in Church.


OF all the various expedients by which !
ingenious church goers have endeavor-
ed to safely dispose of their hats, there
is not one that has not been proved to
be fallacious. To hold ones hat con-
tinually in ones lap is practicable only
in Quaker meeting house, where the
worshipers remain seated during the
entire service, and never use any devo-
tional implements, such as prayer-books
and hymn-books. No man could sue
cessfully balance a hat in one hand and
find the epistle for the twenty-second
Sunday after Trinity with the other
hand; while to stand up in order to re-
peat the creed, or to sing hymn, with
hat under the left arm, would be the
height of absurdity. The hat, then,
must be laid entirely aside during di
vine service, and our churches, being
constructed with exclusive references to
souls instead of hats, afford no resting
places for the latter.
aisle Immediately outside the pew is
universally known. The first lady that
sweeps up the aisle carries with her
confused mass of defenseless hats,
which are deposited in the shape of
terminal moraine in front of the pew
which is her final goal. Of course the
hatsI which have been subjected to this
process are reduced by attrition to a
rounded form and are covered with
scratches, reminding one of the marks
of glacial action on granite boulders.
However interesting they may be to the
geologist, they are of no further value
as hats, and can rarely be bent into
shape that will allow their owners to
wear them home. Next to the aisle the
pew seat is the most dangerous position
inwhich hat can be placed. Statistics
show that out OF every 100 hats thus
situated sixty are sat upon by their
owners, thirty-five are sat upon by
other people, and only five escape un-
injured. 1t is curious fact that more
men sit down upon their hats
after repeating the creed than after
reading the Psalms or performing any
other perpendicular part of the service
And another curious fact is the attrac-
ton which hat thus exposed upon y
seat exerts upon a fat person. Neither
of these facts has ever been satisfacto-
rily explained, although they are matters
of general notoriety.
A man may enter a remote pew in a
strange church and place his hat ON a
seat in a position where it is impossible
for fat man to perceive it on entering
the church. Nevertheless, experience
has shown that in six cases out of ten
the sexton will show fat man into that
precise pew within ten minutes after the
hat is in position, while other and fur
Their fat men will, from time to time,
hover about the locality, with the evil
dent desire of ascertaining if the hat is
still susceptible of further smashing.
There is clearly law of nature at work
here which needs to be definitely formu-
lated, and it is discreditable to science
that this has not yet been done.
AS to putting ones hat on the floor
underneath the seat, no one who follows
this reckless course can expect any
thing but disaster. If there is small
boy in the pew, he will infallibly dis
! cover that hat, and kick it to the further
end of the pew within the first thirty
minutes of the service. If there is a
) lady in the pew a surgical operation will
, be required to remove her boot from the
interior of the hat; while in any event
J the hat is certain to absorb every par
ticle of dust within radius of eight
! feet, and to fasten itself to the floor with
J the aid of forgotten Sunday-school gum
r drops. Neither under the seat, on the
!, seat, nor in the aisle can the worried
hat find rest, and the plan of establish
} ing a hat-pound in the vestibule, where
hats could be ticketed and kept during
the service, would simply result in con-
verting church into hat exchange,
where the sinners would secure all the
| good hats and the saints would be COM
PEELED to content themselves with worm
, out and worthless ones.-Bostom Tran
script.