The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1877-12-27
Mr.. Bilikins Gets Taste of Trouble.

Mr.. Billikins has been passing through
a domestic tornado. He went over Il
Covington the other day to attend to 9
business matter with a man who was
taking short cut to the poor-house by
running a little one-horse store over there,
He had the bad luck to find the man he
was looking for out, and learned from
his only clerk that he would not return
fors an hour. 1t was important that he
should see him that day, and SO Billikins
concluded to wait for his return; but an
hour is good deal of time when you
don't know what to do with it. He
lounged around for little while until
the hands of the clock seemed to move
slower than boy on an errand, and then
he got up and yawned, and paced the
floor a few times, and speculated for
awhile as to whether the man who de-
signed the wall paper was crazy or an
happy at the time he did the job. There
was nothing in the store to read except
a dodger for washing machine that
had been pitched in through the door,
but after communing with it until he
knew every word by heart, it ceased to
interest him further as food for the
mind. 1t then served to give employ
ment to his fingers for few moments in
ascertaining how many shapes it could
be twisted into, while he mentally took
an inventory of all the goods on the
shelves.
By this time the place had become
more uncomfortable than a prison, and he
went out to take stroll through the
streets. Before proceeding far barber
pole loomed up before him Hospitality,
and he saw that he might bridge over a
part of the time by getting shaved. In
he went and was soon getting such a
taste of martyrdom from the BARRIERS
razor and tongue that he forgot which
side of the river he was on. As a
finishing touch the tonsorial artist
turned the nozzle of small fire ex-
tinguisher upon him and flooded him
with spray of perfumery. 1t was this
that cooked up the trouble for him.
When he stepped into his cozy little
cottage that evening his wife ran to meet
him with kiss-for he has only been
married a short time. Her nose rested
upon his cravat for one brief second,
and the next it was pasturing all over
his,coat collar and along his shoulders.
It Was very foolish in her, of course, but
women will be women, and she let her
little head get full of silly doubts and
uncomforting misgivings, for Billikins
never used perfumery.
"Oh, Observation-Disclosures man!
she sobbed, how could you be SO base
Boo-hoo-hoo=oo-oop
" Why, my dear,'' said Billikins, with
wonder and amazement holding the fort
all over his face. Really, Martha Ann,
you surprise me; explain yourself. Your
emotion is riddle-clear up the muddle
and tell me what the deuce you mean by
taking on in that kind of style. You
never acted SO before"
" You know-you bad, wicked man
you know boo-oo-oO-oo!" was the reply
that came spasmodically from the cry.
ing woman, and then she threw. herself
prostrate on the sofa and kicked; and
sheok herself and buried her face in the
fancy worsted thingumbob on the arm Of
the divan, and said she was a poor
miserable deluded woman, and wished
she was dead.
Billikins was surprised, panied, thunder
struck. He couldn't conceive what had
so Suddenly plunged the woman into
such wild, chaotic tantrums. He re
called every word spoken since he en-
tered the house, and could find nothing
in his speech that could have given hel
offense. She was pleased enough wher
they met-hay, more, he was certain
that she was downright glad to see him
The torture was unbearable and he de
termined to come to an understanding
without further delay. He soon got it
" Oh, you horrible wick ed deceitful
hypocritep' she hissed, trying to scratch
his ewes out as he bent over her, ant
sought to soothe her with honeyeC
words, "where did you get that per
fumery ON your cravat and shoulders
Tell me thatf
Billikins was speechless with bewilder
mentor he had forgotten all abou
the barber-shop episode-and couldn'r
hink to save him how the fragrance
came to be upon him. He blushed, ano
stammered, and began with
"R-r-e-ally-my-d-ear you are mis-
taken," and pulling up his cravat tc
sniff at it himself, and show her tha
she was on false scent, he discovered
alas! that she was right about it, ant
was SO used up and wilted at the dis
covery, that his hands dropped like leac
and he turned redder than before.
His increasing confusion confirmed
her suspicious, and she gave him as fin
an exhibition of how Mysteries cal
'liven up home and make things ami
mated and spirited as ever made a mar
ried man yearn for rocks and mountains
She threatened suicide, divorce, scan
dal, a cow-hiding from her big brother
and all the rest of the programme and
then jumped into her hat and cloak
bolted out of the housekeeping tn
deeply distressed husband in the face a
he tried to stop her-and went home
her mother with her overfowing Gu
of sorrow.
The first impulse of poor Billikin
was to fill himself with gin and get on
grand old carouse to drown his troubles
but he thought better of it-for he is
tolerably steady-going young man-an
sat down by the fire, determined t
make out how he came by that PEI
fumery if it took all night. He racke
his brain for two hours without reacl
ing solution of the mystery, and the
went to work in earnest to review all tn
incidents of the day, seriatum, an
finally about nine o'clock it all came
him, and he jumped to his feet cursin
that Covington barber and his own stl
pidity, and set out for the residence {
his mother-in-law.
An hour later two young people can
out of that mansion looking at eac
other somewhat sheepishly but vel
tenderly, and as they turned the corn,
the lady was heard to remark:
81 don't care what you say, / was
big goose, and never-never-will
have such thoughts again"
BRIGHAM's favorite wife, Amelia, h
been dethroned since the prophet
death, and reports say that she has gol
back to Peoria, ILL.,, with the intentic
of remaining. 1t appears that Amel
was never a Mormon at all; that h
connection with Brigham was merely
marriage de conUendRce, and based upon
contract which included a handsome