The Middlebury register. [volume] (Middlebury, Vt.) 1850-1882, 1877-10-12
Not Cut Out for an Editor,

"Mr. Hockey" said Col. Bangs of
the Argus, to one of the assistant editors
whom he had recently installed in order
to give him trial, "you have many of
the characteristics of n great Journalist,
and | have no doubt that Mt some time
i'll the remote fnturc you will be capable
of conducting the London Times; but
AT present some of your peculiarities are
of so marked a character as 10 destroy
much of your usefulness in this estab-
lishmcnt."
"What do YOU mcan!"
"Why, for instance. notice that Won
always spell horse hoarsc: and that in
spelling Congress you invariably begin
with a large X. These things arc not so
important, perhaps, while our proof
reader maintains q condition of sobretv.
But when you speak of herzegovina as
Il species of Asiatic chicken, and alludc
TO its conflict with Turkey rs if they
were two fowls fighting in a barn-yard,
you 90 too far; you trcspass upon the
good nature Of our readers. You are
mistaken also in alludng to Egypt as
the capital of Germany, in asserting that
the Suez canal runs TO Buffalo, and was
built by DE Witt Clinton. want to
pass that editorial TO obligc YOU. but
really I'm afraid can't
"Wcll, I'm sorry"
"Now take that article of yours about
Cuba. You speak of Cuba rs being in
the Arctic regions, and you alude to
the natives as living chiefly on walruS
meat. And YOU seem to think that the
American navy is composed of scows
that are propelled by mules, and that
vice admral's duty is to keep his ewes
on the mules and manage the tow-line.
They have no tow-lines in the navy. Mr..
Hockey. 1t is not your fault that you
have never been to sea; but when man
undertakes to supply marine intelli-
gcncc for great daily newspaper he
ought to know that quarterback is not
Il pack Of cards which cost quarter"
Il didn't say so.''
"Iou intimatcd as much, and | tell
YOU il just drives the public wild. 1t
wont do. When you mention Disracli
as the contemporary of Moses, and
praise William Cullen Bryant for the
manner in which he wrote the Acts of
the Apostles. you expose us to dcrision {;
and, il Td've printed your article upon
the passage of the Rubicon by Calico
Just after his election to the presidency
of the United States, conveying the idea
that the said I,ubicon was law to pre-
vent negroes from running off, this
office d been mobbed before night
"Thc mischief it would"
"Ics. ! know. | have my finger
Oh the public pulse. They'll stand a
good deal. They are patient and all
that; but when you come at them, for
instance, with an editorial assertion that
Petrarch was one of the Apostles. and
that he used to fish with layout line,
in the river IIerodotus. they get deliri-
Gus. Heavens and earth, man. Hcrod-
otus was not river. he was historian
How could you aludc to Romeo as the
residence of the pope, and declare that
the pontifl's principal cardinals are the
points of the compass?''
''Blamed f know"
"Well, anyway, you see for Yourself
that you need years of study before YOU
will be qualified to form public opinion.
No journalist can hope to guide the pop
nlar mind who teaches that the Prophet
Daniels last name was Boone. and that
he hunted crows and Indians out in
Kentucky; no editor can leave his mark
upon his century who, when he reads
in the news items 'the French army has
moved fifteen kilomctcrs ont of Paris ;
writes an editorial asserting that the
army ought to have removed those infer
nal machines long ago instead of leaving
them to blow up the city. | say no
newspaper man who does these things,
and then sits down and asks Congress
to do something about the tariff, taking
the view that the tariff is a tropical fruit
some mysterious kind of banana
for medical purposes, can ever attain
the highest rank in his profession"
''Don't think so, hcy?r
"No, | don't. | guess we'll have to
part. I'm sorry, but necessity knows no
law. Take my advice, go of some
where ont in the country, study up.
ascertain that membranous Group is not
the crupper of n harness: learn that
Amcricus Nespucius was not the tech
meal name for cabbage: hunt up the
fact that the Israelites did not shoot
quail in the desert with double-barreled
shot-guns; inform yourself that Plu-
tarch was not the god of the internal
regions; discover that the statistics of
the hop crop do not refer exclusively to
dancing parties, and acquaint Yourself
with the facts that Pharaoh did not in
vent the game of 'sevcn-up,' and that
the word Oshkosh is the name of q
town, and not of form of profanity in
use by the Scandinavians, from whom
the Americans have obtained il in the
modified form of GOSH Good-morn-
ing"
Mr.. Hockey is now engaged in tend
ing bar Max Adeler.