Connecticut western news., 1877-03-16
The Hat im Church.

Of all the various expediepts by which ingenious church gOers have en- deavored to safely dispose of their hats, there is not one (saysa writer in the IEmesl chat has not been proved to be fallacious.. To hold one's hat cOntinu- ally in ones lap is practicable only in
 a Quaker meeting house, where the worshipers remain seated during the entire service, and never use any devO- tional implements, such as prayer books and hymn books. No man could suc- cessfully balance hat in one hand and find the Epistle for the twenty-second Sunday after Trinity with the other hand; while to stand up in order to rec peat the Creed or to sing hymn, with a hat under his left arm, would be the height of absurdity. The hat, then must he laid entirely aside during di- vine service. and our churches, being construetednwlth exclusive reference to souls instead of hats. afford no rest ing places for the latter.:o e,. 3 ,
 The extreme danger of placing hat in the aisle immediately outside the pew is universally known. The first lady that sweeps up the aisle carries with hera a confused mass of defenceless hat, which are deposited in the shape of a terminal moraine in the front of the pew which is her final goal. Of course the hats, which have been sub jected to this process are reduced by attrition to a rounded form and are covered with scratches, reminding one of the marks of glacial action on gran ite boulders.d However in ntefesting they may be to the geologist, they are of no further value as hats, and can rarely be bent into shape that will allow their owners to wear them home. Next to the aisle, the pew seat is the most dan- gerous position in which a hat can be placed. Statistics show that out of every one hundred hats thus situated, sixty are, sat upon by their, owners, thirty five are sat upon by other peo- pie, and only five escape uninjured.. It l is a curious fact that m ore men sit down on their hats after repeating the Creed l than after reading the Psalms or per forming any other perpendicular part of the service; and another curious fact I is the attraction which hat thus ex. posed upon &, seat, exerts upon a fat person. :. Neither of these facts has ever been satisfactorily explained, although they are matters of great notoriety. A man may enter a remote pew in a strange church, and place his hat or the seatin a position where itis impos- slble that fat man could perceive il on entering the church. Neverth eless
 experience has shown that in six cases out of ten the sexton will show fat man into that precise pew within ter minutes after the hat is in position
 while other and further fat men will
 from time to time, hover about theYlo- cality, with the evident desire of as.
 certaining if the hat is susceptible O
 further smashing There is clearly { law of nature at work here which need to be definitely formulated, and it il
 discreditable to science that this ha
 not yet been done. .,.,'.....' '',' As to putting ones hat on the foo
 underneath the seat, no one'who follow
 this reckless course can expect any | LulUR ulSdSbcIs IL d SAh0i boy in the pew, he will infalliably dis
 cover that hat, and kick it to the fur
 ther end of the pew within the frs thirty minutes of the the service, l
 there is lady in the pew, a surgica
 operation will'be required to remov'
 her boot from the interior of the hat
 while in any event the hat is certaint'
 absorb every particle of dust within
 radius of eight feet, and to fasten 1t
 self to the floor with the aid of forgot
 ten Sunday school gum drops. Nei
 ther under the seat, on the seat, nor Il the aisle, can the worried hat find rest and the plan of establishing a ha pound in the vestibule, where hat could be ticketed and kept during ser vice, would simply result0in convertin a church into hat -exchange,w where th
 sinners would secure all the good hats and the saints would be compelled t content themselves with worn out an : worthless Ones.-HOme Journal e .;