Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1877-08-24
LOOKING UNDER THE BED.
Miss JOhnson,s Plan.


bed for man. No man in his senses
ever looks under the bed for wo-
man; but there are millions of wo-
men IN this country who would find
IL quite impossible to sleep in any
bed under which they had not search
ed Tor q concealed man. Experience
IS lost upon them. The average un-
married woman of forty wears of
age has usually looked under the
bed at least $500 times, without ev.
er once finding the expected man,
but she is not in the least discour-
aged by so long a course of failure;
and it would be easy to find women
of so or 80 years who still nightly
search for the man whom they have
never found.
Miss Johnston, of Evanston, viii
hereafter be famous as woman
whose long perseverance has been
slightly rewarded. 1t would be in
delicate to inquire into her precise
age, had she not described herself in
recent affidavit as having been born
in the year 1884, and we may there
fore take it for granted that she is at
least 43 years old. If we assume
that she began to look under the bed
at the age of Is, it follows that she
has performed that ceremony more
than 10000 times Until last Friday
night she never found the slightest
fragment of man under her bed,
but on that eventful night her per
severance was rewarded, and the
long sought man greeted her aston
ished gaze.
Miss johnson being an unmarried
lady, not wholly unconnected with
the milliner's trade, and full of wo-
manly independence, resided entire
ly alone in a small house containing
but three rooms kitchen, shop and
bed room. Dogs she dispises, and
cats she mistrusts, while as for men,
she regards them as poor creatures
who may possibly have their uses in
time of drought, when water must
be carted from the creek, but who, as
a rule, make more trouble about a
house than their necks are worth.
Holding these views it naturally fol-
lows that Miss Johnson lives alone,
and the cool bravery with which she
locks up her house at night and seeks
her solitary couch, no matter if q
frst-class thunder storm is in pro
gress, has for years been the adnii-
ration of the more timid of her sex.
1t was about II o'clock last Friday
night when Miss johnson stopped
down and looked under her bed for
a possible man, precisely as she had
done on ten thousand previous
nights. Whether she was or was not
astonished at percelving a large
sized man lying under the bed with
the back of his head towards her,
will never be known, but at any rate
she gave no sign of astOnishment,
and did not even inform the man
that she saw him. On the contrary,
she resumed with great deliberation
the nocturnal twisting of her back
hair, and even softly hummed 'Hold
the Fort" with as much distinctness
as could be expected of a woman
while holding comb between her
teeth. Her back hair being finally
finished, she opened her window,
turned down the lamp until it gave
forth dim and modest light, and
then stepped gracefully into bed,
but not to sleep.
That sagacious woman was per
fectly well aware that the man un
der the bed, not suspecting that he
had been discovered, would creep
forth with a view to plunder as soon
as he found that she was asleep.
The bedstead stood in the corner
of the room, and from the position
of the man it was plain that he
would creep out at the side of the
bed. Miss johnson, therefore, chang
ed her usual manner of composing
herself to rest, and lay, as she
subsequently expressed it, ''fat as
pancake" with her head pro
iecting over the side of the bed
1T the precise locality where she cx-
pected the man to appear. For at
least half an hour she lay perfectly
still, watching for the man with
stealthy vigilance that would have
done credit to an astute and expe-
rienced cat. Not muscle or hair
pin of her frame moved, and her
breathing was as slow and regular as
that of profound sleeper. At length
the man, confident that she was
asleep, softly began to worm him
| self from under the bed, moving af-
ter the manner prescribed by way
of penalty to the original serpent of
the garden of Eden. Little did he
imagine that pair of pitiless gray
ewes were waiting for the appearance
of his head, while a pair of little and
nervous hands were ready to pounce
upon his ears. 1t was not many mini
utes, however, before each ear was
suddenly caught in an inexorable
grasp, and his head began to oscil
late with remarkable speed between
the floor and the edge of the bed
stead.
Won Moltke himself could not
have surpassed Miss JohnsOn's tao
tics. She had the man completely
at her mercy, and he was as helpless
as though his head were in the stocks.
At first his captor maintained grim
silence, but after she had bumped
him sufficiently to ease her mind, she
addressed him upon the wickedness
and folly of seeking to rob her.
In vain did the man protest that his
motives were innocent; that he had
mistaken the house, and had merely
intended to take a quiet nap under
his own bedstead, where the flies
could not find HIM. Miss johnson
sternly told him that he could not
make her believe any such nonsense,
and that she would "let him know,
and would also ''shOw him" These
threats were carried out by renew
al of the humping process, until the
man yelled for mercy so loudly thaV
the neiphbors were aroused and rush
ed TO Miss Johnson's house with a
Arm conviction that gang OF bur-
liars had murdered that excellent
| S'"'' - ,yara ouarrellinO over