Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1877-03-08
No. 16
WITS ENDS.

Bear and forbear-The bear and his hunter.
The auctioneer takes an interest in what he
sells.
Eternal spring can be found only in rub
Der factory.
For counter statements the dry goods clerk
should be heard.
AS Shakespeare says: He mocks at fun
who never made a joke.
The way to heaven-Turr to the right
and keep straight ahead.
The Rhode Island police tell the boys they
must either quit coasting or else coast length
wise of the State.
A man with night key may be said to be
very stylish fellow. for he is generally the
--latest thing out
A contemporary says of a recent attempt at
suicide that the man severed his ''esophejus.'
He must have had "a bad SPELL"
Josh Billings wants to know who ever
heard rich man sing That's so; rich man
generally holds on to bis notes. Philadelphia
Bulletin.
An exchange speaks of the minority sick
ness" Reference is made probably to the
catarrh, as it is disease of the noes.-Nor-
wich Bulletin.
Uncle Sam is monarch of millions of unsur-
veyed acres, and is that much better off than
Alexander Selkirk, who was only monarch of
what he surveyed.
A minister asked new deacon if he had
family prayers. eyes, sir; night and morn
ing regular, if have to knock every one of
the young ones down on their knees
In dilemma-The bachelor who remarked
that che never would marry woman whom
he did not respect, and he certainly would
not respect any woman who was willing to
marry him.
A Detroit man asks for quail on trust with
such an ingenious accent that the waiter mods
his head and trots off to bring quail on toast
When the mystery is cleared up the landlord
can't kick.-Free Press.
1t is proposed to form an association of
Vermonters residing in Chicago, and at the
very mention of the idea you can see the
green mountin' in the faces of many of the
best citizens.-Toledo Blade.
Il don't believe in fashionable churches"
said witty lady, recently, ''but, after all,
considering that we are all to 90 to the same
Heaven, perhaps it's better to keep up the So
cial distinctions as long as we can.-Boston
Transcript
An irreverent wretch, witnessing the per-
formance of 'Virginius' at the Museum last
evening, when the urn containing the ashes
of the sacrificed daughter was brought in, in
qui1ed if these were ''the latest returns from
Virginia ?"-Boston Traveller.
The news from Europe is so depressing and
uncertain that man on North Hill has felt
compelled to reduce his pew rent and sell one
of his dogs, in order to pave the way to a
safe and steady resumption OF new suit of
clothes in the spring.
The Kansas Legislature employs young
lady pages, and when married man is elect
ed member there are not enough knot holes
in all the back yard fences in his district to
accommodate the women who want to inter-
view each other about it.-Brooklyn Argus.
Fourteen suspicious looking individuals,
with carpet-bags, were seen prowling around
Washington on Wednesday morning. They
were subsequently, arrested and examined,
and in the carpet-bag of each was found an
entirely new plan for electing Presidents, and
no two plans were alike.
a young dentist was introduced to a fash
onable beauty, and gracefully opened the
by saying: ''Miss -, hope
may consider that we are not entirely unac-
luainted. had the honor of pulling tooth
;ago Journal.
When farmer Bulge read that bull paint
ed by Rosa Bonheur sold for five thousand
dollars, he remarked to his wife that he did
1ot see how coat of paint could so greatly
enhance the value of the animal, but if Rosa
]idn't charge more than ten dollars he would
get her to paint his bull in the spring. And
lis economical wife replied that she thought
le might paint it himself The indications
re now that the bull will be painted.
Treasury Beauties.