The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1877-08-15
MARK TWAIN'S LATEST JOKE.

MARK TWAIN'S LATEST JOKE.
How He Organized Wedding in the House
and Persuaded the Young MIan.
The Hartford (Conn. correspondent
of the Boston Herald says: A good
story about Mark Twain is just begin
ming to leak out here. Some time ago
he went on a visit to Elmira, N. Y,
leaving bis quaint house among the trees
on Pennington avenue in charge OF his
servants. Nearly two weeks ago an item
was published in the Hartford daily
papers chronicling an Intellectual attempt
to rob the humorist's residence. The
story was that man presented himself
at the door one day, saying that he had
been sent by the gas company to inspect
the meter and pipes. The servant, who
had not the slightest suspicion, allowed
the stranger to enter and do as he pleased.
When he supposed no one was watching
his movements, he hid himself away In a
dark corner (of which there are many
in the odd chalet), and waited for dark.
ness. But the girl, who had watched
his movements, went and procured as
sistance, and had the intruder
"bounced without ceremony. When
Mr.. Clemens heard the story in Elmira,
he thought he smelled very large rat,
and hastened to Hartford with the pur-
pose of ferreting it ont. His theory was
that one of the servant girls must have
had a beau, who was admitted to the
house at unusual hours, and that, being
caught in the act, this means of conceal
ing the real truth of the case. was
adopted: With all the sagacity of an ex-
journalist he followed his clue, but could
not establish the theory he had formed.
But while pursuing his Investigation
he learned that tne of the girls, who had
been a member of his family long time,
was really guilty Of having q male ad-
mirer, who occasionally shared the hos
pitality of the house, unknown to the
proprietor. She was buxom English
girl, with handsome form and bright,
cheerful face. Faithful in the perform
ance of her duties, and always solicitous
for the best interests of the family, she
had made herself almost invaluable to
the household. The. high esteem in
which Mr.. Clemens had always held her
no doubt Influenced his course. he was
sorry to part with the girl who had
served him we'll, but, seeing no other
alternative, quickly matured plan that
should "let her down easy" After
long hunt he succeeded in discovering
the young fellows name. When that
was gained Mr.. Clemens went down
town and procured a marriage c. 'rti6cate.
Returning he stopped at the residence
of the Rev. Mr.. Twitchell, pastor of the
Asylum street church, and took him into
his carriage. Arrived home, the first
thing done was to send for the young
man, who soon appeared, somewhat
frightened at the summons. From his
dress and general appearance OF decay il
was evident that his circumstances were
not those OF violent prosperity. When
he was brought in Mark braced up and
tried to look dignifed. This was about
the dialogue that ensued:
Mark-So, young man, you have been
in the habit Of making a hotel Of my
house-with all the modern improve
merits. [Silence unbroken by the young
mani. Well, as you don't offer any OBJ
jections, we'll take that part of the mat
ter for granted. If your offense haG
stopped at that point it would have beer
all right. I am always glad to entertain
company-yes, if you had mentioned il
I would have had the house refurnishet
for you. All that, and more, I would
have done gladly for guest. But wher
you dignity and pathosl when yor
ALLEVIATE the affections of Maria Jane
when you descend upon this peaceful
fold with base designs-ike wolf ii
sleeps clothing, as it were-that I can
not forgive.
Y. M, with humility if you please
sir, I amt got no sleeps clothing"
Mark Examining the fabric Of the
young mans coat)-Ah, I perceive my
error; it is cotton not wool. However
T was speaking metaphorically. As
intimated before, I cannot endure the
thought of having my house, which, un
til your fell presence, had been the abode
of innocence, turned into kennel o.
wrong-doing. When you sought thai
end, you not only wounded me mortally.
but you aroused my wrath; and, young
man, when I'm mad, I'm a bad crowd.
In the first throes of my passion, I was
doubtful whether to have you arrested
for murder in the first degree, or
! At this point the young man showed
symptoms of terror. "8ut," continued
Mark, cit suddenly occ red to me that
certain Pennsylvaniaju iye-Joe Brad
ley, I beliove-once ruled that in case o.
arson, the fellow must marry the girl
and 80 I conclude you must answer tt
the crime of arson; in other words you
must get hitched to Maria Jane"
Apparently, Marks victim was re-
lieved, but he was still doubtful. HI
said: elf you please, sir, I'd be glae
to marry Maria, but 1 couldn't support
her. I amt got no money, and I cam
get no work. I mean to- marry her some
time, SIR; honest and true I do.
Mark--That's altogether too thin
young man. You marry Maria right here
and now, or up you 20 for arson.
Y. M.-Well, sir, if it comes to that. O.
course I'll marry her.
Mark-That's the kind of talk I like
Here Twitchell Maria Jane! Come
here!
And the two people named, followed
by the other servant, entered the room
the marriage ceremony was performed
and Mark and the second girl signed tht
certificate as witnesses. After that Marl
paid the minister, gave the couple S20(
in cash, and sent them adrift with al
injunction-which, by the way, he as
cribed to Hoyle-to "go and sin NJ
more"
A Bear Repulses an Alligator.
A party of six gentlemen we're taking