The Osceola times., 1877-04-07
FACTS AND FANCK,S.

ounces go to the party and the other
ounce to the TOor.
A WOMAN in Oshkosh ground nearly
half of shirt through hes-wringer
last Monday before discovering that her
baby was in the shirt. II was an awful
strain on the wringer.
"Do you ever have any hops in
Maine p asked New York belle, who
was dressing for a ball, of country
cousin from the Pine state. ooh, yes,
lots pa has forty acres of 'em in one
field"
"DO believe in second love? Tia
man buys pound of sugar, isn't it
sweet? And when its gone, don't be
want another pound and isn't that ~
sweet, too? Troth, Murphy, | believe
in second love-"
"MY friend, don't you know that IL is
very dangerous to take nap while the
train is in motion? "Why sop ex.
claimed the individual, waking up
"Why so? 81 "Because this train runs
over sleepers."
THE Burlington Hawkeye tells the
story Of two commercial travellers lately
comparing notes as follows: 81 have
been out three weeks" said the first
missionary, land have only got four
orders" "That beats me-" replied the
second commercial evangelist, have
been out four weeks and have only got
one order, and that's an order from the
house 10 come home"
"YoUNG man do you know what rela.
tions you sustain in this world ?" said a
minister OF our acquaintance to young
member of the church. eyes, sir" said
the hopeful cOnvert-"two cousins and
grandmother but | don't intend To sus.
tain them great while longer"
FEW men have strictly mathemati.
cal mind. but we never knew one who
couldn't calculate within a sixteenth of
an inch where his neighbours property
began when he was shoveling snow OF
his own sidewalk. 80. Nor,rich Bulletin.
ACCORDING 10 the Chicago journal,
putting on overcoats while the doxology
is being sung is one Of the sins of this
nation. Blessed is he who does not own
an overcoat, for he sins not by putting il
on before the benediction is pronounced.
CELIA LOGAN says that when New
| YIN Wuut uiCbs iNbSdiSui III
part before they venture to perform to a
J metropolitan audience they go over to
Newark, New Jersey, engage hall and
play it, This they call trying it on
dog"
A SAILOR was recently brought before
a magistrate for beating his wife, when
the magistrate attempted to reach his
heart by asking him il he did not know
that his wife was the weaker vessel."
"lf she is, she oughtn't to carry 80 much
sail !" replied Jack.
THIS telephone will soon revolutionize
domestic affairs, for the man, instead OF
blushingly telling hiswife at the SUPPER
table that he will be detained at his
office, can 60 down town, and whisper
through the telephone that it is lodge
night.-Oa City Herrick.
Or young "Corneel," the elder Cor.
nelius Vanderbilt once said "Tbat
boy would spend million year, il he
could get it," So he didn't leave much
money to the boy, which is the cause Of
the war against the will of the wise
father who knew his child.
SEVERAL holes were charged in a drift
in gold hill mine. One blast failed 10
go off. One ofthe miners was ordered TO
20 in and see what the matter was. "No,
sor," he said, firmly; 81 was blown up
in Californy vance that way, an ia
rather lave me work than be kilt again."
A BLUFF country farmer meeting the
parson of the parish in a by-lane, and not
giving him the way as readily as he
expected, the parson, with an erect
chest, told him that che was better fed
than taught" "Very true, indeed, sir,"
said the farmer, "ior you teach me and |
feed myself"
AFTER a christening at church, while
the minister was making out certif'
cate, he happened to say. "l.et me see,
this is the 30th." "Thirtieth !" ex-
claimed the indignant mother; indeed.
it is only the eleventh. % The minister
was alluding to the day Of the month";
the lady to the family statistics.
AN Irish review says that in Dublin
sieiety the professional classes are evry-
thing, and the commercial classes moth
ing the wealthy tradespeople are always
persistently endeavoring to gain social
footing in Dublin, but are sternly re-
sisted by the "proiessionocracy that
no seamstress works SO hard az the wives
of rich Dublin traders trying TO fight
their way into the charmed ring of law.
yers and doctors.
A TEXAS newspaper informs its read
ers what kind OF people they want in
that state. They have twice too many
doctors and nine times too many lawyers.
In fact, they propose to ''swap Off ten
lawyers for one northern farmer, They
would like few more good preachers
and great many less poor ones. But
the great want is farmers "five million
good farmers will receive welcome
within the borders of Texas. But they
want "early rising, hard-working, sober,
good-managing men,"
A RHODE ISLAND man recently told
his sou to cut a hole in the barn so that
the cat could go in and out, the barn
being infested with mice. The boy did
50, locating il just where the barn deor
when open, would cover the hole. How
in thuLder is the cat to get into the barn
when the hole is covered 2" asked the
provoked father. "Why, through the
door of course" replied the son. The
parent suddenly remembered that he
wanted something in the house, and
went in after 1t.
THIS Is the way a member OF the Ne.
| l.. l. La. x,lI al. hA hot ali