Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1877-08-09
MARK TWAIN'S LATEST JOKE
How He Organized Wedding and
Persuaded the Young Man.
1Ernm the Boston Herald
From the Boston Herald

lIIOiu Tic DOetuu IlcIdiu
HARTFORD, July 21.-A good story about
Mark Twain is just beginning to leak out here.
Some time ago he went on visit to Elmira,
n. Y, leaving his quaint house among the
trees on Pennington avenue in charge of bis
servants. Nearly two weeks ago an item was
published in the Hartford daily papers chron-
icling an Intellectual attempt to rob the humor-
lists residence. The story was that man pre-
sented himself at the door one day, saying that
he had been sent by the gas company to in
spect the meter and pipes. The servant, who
had not the slightest suspicion, allowed the
stranger to enter and do as he pleased. When
he supposed no one was watching his move
ments, he hid himself away in dark corner,
(of which there are many in the odd chalet)
and waited for darkness. But the girl who
had watched his movements, went and procur-
ed assistance, and had the Intruder ''bounced"
without ceremony. When Mr.. Clemens heard
the story in Elmira, he thought he smelled a
very large rat, and fastened to Hartford with
the purpose of ferreting it out. His theory
was that one of the servant girls must have
had beau, who was admitted to the house at
unusual hours, and that, being caught in the
act, this means of concealing the real truth of
the case was adopted. With all the sagacity
of an ex- journalist he followed his clue, but
could not establish the theory he had formed.
But while pursuing his investigation he
learned that one of the girls, who had been
member of his family long time, was really
guilty of having male admirer, who occasion
ally shared the hospitality of the house, un-
known to the proprietor. She was buxom
English girl, with handsome form and bright,
cheerful face. Faithful in the performance of
her duties, and always solicitous for the best
interests of the family, she had made herself
almost invaluable to the household. The high
esteem in which Mr.. Clemens had always held
her no doubt influenced his course. He was
sorry to part with the girl who had served him
well, but, seeing no other alternative, quickly
matured plan that should 'slet her down
easy" After long hunt he succeeded in dis
covering the young fellows name. When that
was gained, Mr.. Clemens went down town and
procured a marriage certificate Returning; he
stopped at the residence of the Rev. Mr.. Twit-
chell, pastor of the Asylum Street Church and
took him into his carriage. Arrived home, the
first thing done was to send for the young man,
who soon appeared, somewhat frightened at
the summons. From. his dress an5 general ap-
pearance of decay, it was evident that his cir
cumstances were not those of violent prosper
ity. When he was brought in Mark braced
up and tried to look dignItied. This was about
the dialogue that ensued:
Mark-So, youLg man, you have been in the
habit OF making hotel of my hOuse--with all
the modern improvements. Silence unbroken
by the young man. Well, as you don't offer
any objections, we'll take that part of the mat
ter for granted. If your offense had stopped
at that point it would have been all right. II
am always glad to entertain compaDy-yes, if
you had mentioned it l would have had the
house refurnished for you. All that, and more,
would have done gladly for guest. But
when you [dgnity and pathos] when you allie
descend upon this peaceful fold with base de-
signs-like wolf in sleeps clothing, as it |
were-that cannot forgive"
Y. NJ, (with humility '1f you please, sir,
l amt got no sleeps clothing"
Mark examining the fabric of the young
mans coatI-"Ah, perceive my error; it is |
cotton not wool. However, / was speaking
metaphoricaly. As l intimated before, can
not endure the thought of having my home, |
which, until your fell presence, had been the
abode of innocence, turned into kennel of |
wrong-doing. When you sought that end, |
you not only wounded me mortally, but you
aroused my wrath; and, young man, when I'm
mad, I'm bad crowd. In the first throes of
my passion, was doubtful whether to have
you arrested for murder in the first degree
Or"
AT this point the young man showed symp
toms of terror. But" continued Mark, st
suddenly occurred to me that a certain Penn
sylvania Judge-Joe Bradley, believe-once
ruled that in case of arson, the fellow must
marry the girl; and SO l concluded that you
must answer to the crime of arson; in other
words you must get hitched to Maria Jane" ~
Apparently, Marks victim was relieved, but
ne was still doubtful. He said: 'If you
please, sir, I'd be glad to marry Maria, but l
couldn't support her. l amt got no money, t!
and can't get no work. mean to marry her
sometime, sir; honest and true l do"
Mark-Thst's altogether too thin, young :
nan. You marry Maria right here and now,
n up you go for arson q
Y. M.-Well, sir, if it comes to that, of
ourse I'll marry her.
Mark-That's the kind of talk I like. Hero
Iwltchelil Maria janet Come here!
And the two people named, followed by the
ther servant, entered the room; the marriage
was performed, and Mark and the
econd girl signed the certificate as witnesses. q
utter that Mark paid the Minister, gave the 1
ouple $100 in cash, and set them adrift with y
ln1ulctIOn-WhiPh bp ho 1,aa bod