Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1877-02-20
Josh Billings to the Girls.

| AuCAC 10 SO muCu pun Ill LulS OH leLLeL
| from the dry humorist who writes the
following, that it bears republishing:
Dear girls, yon are in search ov hus-
band.
This ia pumper, and yu are not re-
quired tew say yes out loud, but are
expekted tn throw yure eyes down onto
the ground as tho yu wuZ looking for q
pin, and reply tew the interrogatory
with kind Ov draulin sigh. as tho yu
wuz eating an oyster, juice and all, of
| from the shell.
Not tew press so tender q theme un-
| til 1t bekums thorn in the flesh, we
will presume-to avoid argument-that
| yu ara on the lookout for something in
the male line tew boost yu in the up hill
low life, and tew keep his eye on the
britching when YOU begin tew go down
the othe other side ov the mountain
Let me give yu sum small chunks ov
advice how tu spot yure fewture hus-
band.
l. The man who IL jellous ov every
little attenshun which yu git from some
other feller, yu will find, after you are
married tew him, he luvs himself more
than he duz yu, and what yu mistook
for solissitude, .yu will diskoyer, haz
changed into indifference. Jellousy
isn't hart diseze! it il liver kom-
plant.
2. A mustash Is not indispensable; 1t IL
only little more hare, and IL a good deel
like moss and other excressences-often
dna the best on sile that won't raize any
thing else. Don't forget that thoze
things which yu admire in a pheller be-
fore marriage, you will probably have
teW admire in husband after and
mustash will get tn be very weak diet
after long time.
8. If husbands could be put ON trial,
az Irish cooks are, tew-thirds of them
would probably be returned; but thare
don't seem tew be emmy law for this
Therefore. girls, yu will see thet, after
you git man yu have tew keep him,
even If yu luze on him. consequently,
If yu have got emmy kold vittles in the
hous, try him on them, once in awhile
during securing season, and if he swal-
lers them well, and sez he will take sum
more, he liz man who, when blue Mon.
day Gums, will wash well.
4 Don't marry a pheller who IL al
wus tellin how hiz mother duz things.
1t Ia as hard tew suit these men az it liz
tew ween young one.
s. Ifa young man kan beat yu play
ing on a pianner, an kant hear fish
horn play in the street without turning
a back summersett ON account ov the
musick that IL in him, 1 say strip him,
he might answer tew tend the babe,
and if yu set him tew hoeing out the
garden, yu will find that yu have got
tew do it yourself. A man whoze whole
heft lies in musick land not hefty at
that, amt no better for husband than
a seedlltz powder; but if he luvs tew
listen while yu sing sum gentle ballad,
yu will find him mellow and not soft.
But don't marry ennybody for jist one
virtew emmy quicker than yu would flop
q man for jist one fault.
6. 1t il one of the most tufiest things
for female tew be an old maid success
fully. A crate menny have tried 1t
and made a bad job ov it. Everybody
they do upon dried YARDS in the garret-
handy for sickness-and therefore, girls,
it amt a mistake that yu should be
willing to swap yureself Oph with some
true phellow, for husband. The swop
il good one; but don't swop for emmy
man who IL respectable jist bekause his
father il. Yu had better be an old maid
for thousand years, and then join the
Shakers, than tew buy repentance at
this price. No woman ever made this
trade who didn't get either phool, a
mean cuss, or a clown for husband.
7. In digging down into this subject
find the digging harder the furthur 1
git. 1t Is much easier tn inform yu who
not tew than who tew, for the reason
there is more ov them.
don't think yu will foller mi advise,
if i give 1t; and, therefore, will keep
it, for look upon advise as do upon
castor ile-a mean dose tew give, and .
mean dose tew take.
But must say one thing, girls, or
spils. If yu can find bright-eyed,
healthy and well-ballasted boy, who
looks upon poverty az sassy as a child
looks upon wealth-who had rather sit
down on the curbstone, in front ov the
5th avenue hotel, and eat q ham sand
wich, than tew 60 inside and run in
debt Tor his dinner and -pick-one
who is armed with that kind ov pluck,
that mistakes defeat for a victory, mi
advice IL tew take him body and soul
snare him at unst, fer he is stray trout,
ov breed very scarce in our waters.
Take him, l say, and build onto him,
as hornets build on tree.