Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1877-03-14
Alffan0rla 0azette
WEDNESDAY. MARCH IA, 1877.
The Husband in the Kitchen.

Once upon time there was man SO surly
and cross that be thought that his wife never
did anything right iu the house. So one even
ing in bay-making time be came home scold
ing, and showing bis teeth and making dust.
Dear love, don't, that's good mao," said
his goody; ito morrow let's change our work;
IIll 60 with the mowers and NOW, and you
shall mind the house."
| Yes the husband thought that would do
lwell He was quite willing, be said.
So early next morning his goody took
Escythe over her shoulder and went out into the
hay field with the mowers aud began to NOW;
but the man was to mind the house and do the
work at home.
First of all be wanted to churo butter, and
| when be had churned awhile he got thirsty aud
went down to the cellar to tap barrel Of ale.
So, just when he had Knocked in the buug, and
was putting the tap in the cask, he heard the
pig come into the kitchen overhead. Then off
he ran up the cellar stairs, with the tap 10 bis
hand, as fast as he could, to look after the pig
lest it should upset the churD. But when he
got up and saw that the pig had already knock
| ed the churn over and stood there roofing and
gruntiDg among the cream, which was runDipg
| all over the toor be got SO wild With rage that
| be quite forget the ale barrel and rushed at the
| pig as hard as be could. He caught it, loo. Just
| as it ran out of the door, and gave it such a
kick that piggy lay for dead on the spot-theD
all at once he remembered that he had the tap
10 his hand; and when he got down to the Gel
lar every drop of ale had run out Of the cask.
Then he went into the dairy and found
enough cream left 10 fill the churn again, and
so he began to cburn, for the butter he must
have for dinner When he had churned bit
be remembered that the milking COW was still
shut up in :he barn, and hadn't had bit to
eat or drop to driuk all morning, though the
sun was high Then all at once be thought it
was too far to take her 10 the meadow, so he'd
just get her up on the house top, for the house,
you must know, was thatched with sods and
a fine crop was growing there. Now their
house lay close up against steep down,
and he thought if lie had a plank across to
the thatch at the back he'd easily get tho
COW up.
But still be couldn't leave the churn, for there
was his little babe crawling about on the floor,
aud it be loft it he thought the child was sure
to upset it. So he took the churn on his back
and went out with it: but then he thought he'd
better first water the cow before he turned her
out On the tha,ch; so he took up bucket to
draw water out Of the we'll; but as he stopped
down at the wells brink all the cream ran out
of the churn over his shoulders and so down
into the we'll.
Now it was near dinner time, and he had not
even got the butter yet; so be thought he had
better boil the porrdgc, aud filled the pot with
water and huog it over The fire. Wheu he had
done that he thought the COW might perhaps
fall off the thatch and break her legs or neck.
So he got up on the house to tic her up. Ooe
end of the rope he tied fast to the cows neck,
and the other he slipped down the chimney
aod tied round his own thigh; and he began to
make haste, for the water now began to boil 10
the pot, and he had still to sriod the oatmeal.
So he began to grind away but while ho was
hard at it down fell the COW OFT the house top
after all, and as she fell she dragged the man
up the chimney by the rope. There he stuck
fast, and as for the COW, she hung halt way
down the wall, swinging between heaven aod
earth, for she could neither get up nor down.
Aud now the goody had waited seven lengths
aud seven brcadths for her husband TO oome
aud cali them TO dinner; but never a oall had
they had At last she thought she'd waited
long enough and went home But when she
got there and found the COW hanging III such
an ugly place she ran up aud cut the rope 10
two with her scythc. But as she did this down
came her husband out OF the chimuey, aud 80
when his old dame came inside the kitchen,
there she found him standing on his head 10
tHc pUIIloSc put
A JUDGE LOSES His TEMpEa.-Slon ID.
Conway tells the loiowing story OF an Irate
British Judge :-"The court room OF Mr.. Jus.
ticc B., was the scene of rather au alarming
outburst Of feeling on the part Of the judge. A
case camc before him prcsentlog combination
Of every kind Of valpy 10 the dettndaut' and
as the clear evidence came out the Judge grew
red and white, and was fairy boiling when the
time came 10 charge the jury, 'Gentemen OF
the jury. said the Judge it Is perfectly clear
case and most ncIarious one. The defendant
has uuquestiouaby robbed the plaintiff. and
has ba,eIy betrayed his daughter and abandon
cd her 10 foreign laud. IL only wish it
had been my daughter. The lawyers gasped
as this Thunder rolled, and behcd the irate
judge shaking hi, fist across the room at the
covering callif
A DIFFERENT KIND OF FATHER.-A Boston
correspondent writes :-"Oa Sunday, 10 the