Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1877-05-15
NUMBER Is.
A man always feels put out when hs
n taken In.

Why Is store that don't advertise
like Enoch Arden? Because il sees
no sale from day to day"
Chicago, ever fertile in novelties,
has a new name for the barkeeper.
He is known as the Cocktail archi-
tect."
The editor who was told that his
last article was as clear as mud,
promptly replied: well, that covers
the ground, anyhow"
1t Is noticed that man Is just as
mad IL you point an empty gun at him
as he is when the gun is loaded.
Therefore put in load.
OF course it's absurd for a boarder
to call cockroach "a fellow OF infinite
JEST because he appears in a new roll
every morning at breakfast.
The reason why rats desert a sink
ing ship has been rediscOvered blythe
Burlington Hd,Ckeye 1t is because Of
their superior gnawtical science.
Menu" we learn from the accom-.
plished scholar Of the Pittsburgh Com
mercidl, sis Latin for fodder" 1t il a
wise child that knows his own fodder
In these foreign dressings.
Don't you think you have pre-.
judice against the prisoner" asked
lawyer OF a witness. VERY likely"
was the reply, II have caught him
stealing two or three times"
A compositor, setting up a report OF
a horse race, said. "the fool sellers
were busy" instead OF "the pool
Sellers" but 1t did not alter the sense
Of the paragraph much.
A Denver paper says that an Indian
chief left his squaw in a saloon there,
the other day, Us security for the pay
ment Of a whiskey bill. Probably one
Of the pawn-ee tribe.
A lady had her dress trimmed with
bugles before going 10 O ball. Her
little daughter wanted 10 know II the
bugles would blow when she danced.
"Oh, no." said the mother papa Will
do that when he sees the bill. ="
"There is every reason to believe
that the dynamite fend was an aristo-
crat, with no sympathy for the masses.
II he'd wanted TO elevate the working
classes he'd have shipped his explosive
on an emigrant ship.
A subscription paper was lately cir
culated with the following. object In
view: I'VE subscribe and pay the
amount set against our names for the
purpose OF paying the organist and
boy to blow the same!
A Tennessee widow had an old mule
which was likely 10 die She cut his
throat, laid the sin 10 unknown en-
emies, and a public subscription pur-
chased her the incest, sleekest mule
In town.
A suit OF ancient armor recently un-
earthed in Rome proves beyond a
doubt that the Romans used to feel
the need OF protecting that portion or
the body most exposed when warrior
leaves the fight and starts for home.
A writer says: IF you would pass
for wiser than you are, say little.
That's all very well, but we'd like 10
see O. man look wise when hunting
flea which had taken refuge in his
shirt, or when dropping Oh slippery
orange peel.
We've suspected for some time past
that measures would have TO be taken
10 check the alarmingly rapid growth
OF the Smith family. And here, now,
sure enough, a Pennsylvania man pro-
poses to exhibit at the Centennial
'Smith roller and crusher."
A slight mistake at christening
Clergyman (who has forgotten the day
Of the month)-"Let me see; this is
the-ah-the thirteenth, / believes"
Fond mother mot catching the idea
exactly, but thinking OF her family
WHY, bless Your stars! No, TINS
Is only the eleventh"
A gentleman in the city has a pair OF
pantaloons which were worn by one
OF his ancestors a hundred years ago.
The are made OF home spun cloth, eX-
cept the seat, which is OF thick leather,
1t Is inferred from this that the orig
inal owner was book agent.-Nor-
,Dich Bulletin.
In Anoka, Mimi, recently, six
year-old girl was overheard telling her
PLAYMATE that she had attended a
church sociable the evening before,
and that little boy kissed her while
they were engaged in Il play, but she
said, That's no harm, cause 1t was
our preachers boy, you know.
Providence Is at war with hair dye.
and sooner or later Furnishes the man
who uses it. "Bill Smalleyl" shrleked
Kansas belle, suddenly jerking her
shoulder from under her lovers head
and spilling him ANONYMOUSLY on the
fioor. "you can't make u piller OF me
no more your hair smells like old
iron films"
Glass In natural philosophy. Sub.
feet, Density OF bodies: Professor
lwho measures over six feeQ 70 small
sized student IF were in the air
and falling, and you were directly
under me and also falling, do you
think. sir, you could get out OF my
wav?' Not il you were coming
down horizontally, sir" Class laughs
Professor ditto.
Three or four Detroit girls were the
other day discussing the character
and standing OF q certain young man,
and an old lady was close listener.
One Of the girls finally remarked:
"Well, / guess he's rich, for saw
him coming out OF "a bank the other
day." "And I guess he drives a
street.car," put in the old lady, Tor
I saw him jump Of a car one day last
week"
A Danbury man has succeeded, after
months Of thorough study and patient
experimenting, in perfecting ma
chine for counting the numberol eggs
q hen LAYS. This contrivance, Is 1as-
tened to the hen, and when she lays
an egg it strikes figure on sIip
~ naner. The instrument costs
about ten dollars, which is mucn
cheaper than employing boy Win
nsner and pencil to follow the hen,
besides being much more accurate.
IT, brn.;n- binnorotami IL is GUS