The herald and mail. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1873-188?, 1877-02-23
FACTS AND FANCIES.

makes himself "really quite too far more
than awfully agreeable"
A LEMON tree at Stanford, Fla, pro-
duced 5000 lemons last year, some Of
which weighed pound each.
THE Berkshire (AIass.) ice product is
so clear that newspaper may be read
through three feet of it.
The editor who can conduct news-
aper one year without making an enemy
would make very successful managing
editor OF medicinal almanac.
A PHRENoLoGIsT says the principal
bump on George Washington's head is
adhesiveness. He alludes to Georges
head on postage stamp.
JONES says the war en- mother-in-law
is unkind. He has nothing much against
his mother-in-law except this tact that
all her children were not sons.
BLATANT conceit-The impression on
the part of our opponents that they have
right, equally with ourselves, to
opinions of their own.
A FRENCH tourist, on visit to the
centennial last summer, wrote home:
"Americans live well up TO their income,
and insure their lives for the balance"
IT is perhaps true that the indiscrimin~
ate charity does more harm than good,
but ust at present indiscriminAte
charity is not nrOlific enough to Justify
the hosting of storm signals.
The Catholic Directory for 1877 re-
ports that the number of Catholic
churches in this country is 1922; of
priests, 5,297. The estimated Catholic
population is 100000.
THE educated feas" that are ex-
hibited now in most of the large cities
are not educated at all. according to a
Boston investigator. Their performances
all consistiof efforts to escape.
"HAsT thou a charm to stay the morn
ing star ?' he said, as he trundled off
after paper of hair pins for her, and she
glOOmily muttered that she'd rather mar
ry Balaam's ass than poet.
A WISCONSIN lumberman offers thirty
dollars in cash for "a rattling good wife
-one who is not too high-nOsed to grow
fat on bean soup" All females reaching
this point can go through without
change ofcars.--Free Press.
A GERMAN looked up at the sky, and
remarked: "I guess a leedle it will rain
sOmedime poOty queek." "Yees do,
ell ?" replied an lrishman. "What bust
ness have yees to purtend to know about
Ameriken weather, ye furriner."
TEACHER-Who was the first MANI
Brown (head boy Washington; he was
first in war, first .Teacher--No,
no Adam was the first man. Brown
Oh! If you're talking of foreigners,
'spose he was.
BRIGHT-EYEs, on being told that her
heart was like n garden, where flowers
al,o II Nayh
She was naughty, rendered it to the ser
want, "When am naughty have a
weed in my stomach"
HERBERT SPENCER fills out his para
graphs with such words as 'endogomy,"
'exogamy," "polygamy," "monogamy,
'polyandry," ''pOlyguy" aad "agna-
tiOn," thus enabling imperfect minds to
take in his meaning at glance.
A CERTAIN way to keep ants from
sugar barrels, lard pans and preserve
ar-, says one who has tried it, is TO tie
string wet with kerosene around the
barrel. can or jar. Repeat the wetting
If the string with the kerosene oil every
ew days.
THE Danbury News says: ave are
Ill more or less conceited until after we
ravel." Is travel, then, n sovereign
for conceit? Dear James, come
west and listen few hours some busy
to the man who has been at
the centennial.
On examining some new flowers in the
garden of the Rev. Sydney Smith beau
.iful girl who was of the party exclaimed,
'Oh. Mr.. Smith, this pea will never
,ome TO perfectionI I" Permit me, then,
,aid he, gently taking her hand and
walking toward the plant, "To lead per-
lection to the pea"
STRANGER, if yeu must have pet or
perish, git young hedgehog--a male
me IL preferable-and keep him housed
N a barrel, and view him thru the bung-
lole whenever yu feel lonesum, and If
his don't make yu feel happy, it GER
ainly amt pets that ails yu.-Josh
Billings.
TINE, beginning of the year. First
tudent Ito second dittO). "Glad to see
,ou back" Second student, $50 glad
,ou're glad" First student, "Glad
,ou're glad, Pm glad" Second student,
80 glad you're glad Pm glad you re
lad" A realizing scene of the awful
insanity to which they are drifting here
freaks offthe cOiIoquy.'
"YEs. she's somebody's mother.in-
aw," said the old lawyer aside as he saw
er set down a chair for herself with
rack and bride into it, making a hair
inc seam of her msuth, and lengthening
er chin down ward about an inch and
alt. MADAME" he said, "he's villain
How much slimony does
our daughter wish to appropriate 2'
AFTER the battle Of Chattanooga the
urgeonS made several incisions in the
sg of a soldier who had been wounded
a the knee by musket ball. Out OF
atience at last, the soldier exclaimed
Why are you carving me up soW
We're trying to find the ball, ," answer
d a surgeon. "Why didn't you ask for
he ball in the first place ?" Indignantly
ried the soldier; "here it is in my
ocketw
A RAvFLING show in the west con-
sted of human curiosities" all from one
,mily. The head of the concern was
amson and sword swallower. His wife
,as the fat woman. His daughter, with
er hair bleached and her eyes painted,
'as the Circassian girl. His son-in-law
as the door tender. His three-year-Old
On dressed in trousers, was the dwarf,
aged fifteen" His son, in a cage, WAS
Fiji cannibal. In Wisconsin village
here was n family row, and in the en-
ning trial in court the secrets Of their
usiness came out. But they have be
ONE reconciled, and once more the old
IAN lifts weights and swallows swords,
he Circassian girl firts with the fellows,
he door-tender shouts the merits of the
Exhibition, the dwarf toddles on his
latform and kisses the women and the
lnnibal howls in his carriage.