Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1877-03-29
THE HER A L D.
Plum and Phancy.

Two little girls were lately prattling
together, and one of them said, we
keep four servants, have got six horses,
and lots of carriages; now, what nave
YOU got?" With quite as much pride
the other answered: "We've got
skunk under our barn."
fla Michigan man is Michigander,
then Wisconsin man is a WIscon.
sinner, is he not ? and Rhode Island
man a Bhode Islandiron? and the
Vermont man Vermonstrosity !! and
a Connecticut man a Connecticutler!
and so on, ad lib.
When asked by young man VINO
contemplated emigration what ne
thought of Texas as place of res
idence. old Ben Wade flew into turl-
GUS rage and shouted: "IfI owned
Texas and he'll, I would not hesitate
to rent Texas and live in the other
place"
"What would you do it mamma
should die ?" she pathetcally asked of
her little three-year.old daughter. Il
don't know" remarked the infant,
with downcast eyes and melancholy
A youngster being required to write
q composition upon some portion of
the human body, selected that which
unites the head with the body: GA
throat is convenient 10 have, especially
to ROSTERS and ministers. The for
mer eats the corn and crows with III;
the latter breaches through his'n, and
then ties it up. This is pretty much
all can think of about necks."
"You are all standing on the brink
Of the Niagara of perdition," said q
sad-faced man upon entering an Eighth
avenue car last night" The psssen-
gers looked up in astonishment, and
the speaker, stating that he would not
take any particular text, commenced
rambling discourse, which was abb
ruptly broken off by the man attempt
ing to pass a counterfeit nickel Oh the
disguised conductor.-N. !. Tribune,
''Ike," said Mrs. Darlington, "who's
this Electoral Bill that they're maxi
i0g such locomotion about i'll the
house of reprehensibles? don't
wonder that they doubt his voracity
aud have tribulation of COMMISSION
aries set on him." Ike replied that
he rnn for Congress against Buffalo
Bill, whom he distanced. Then the
old lady went to sleep, and Ike gave
the old cat sitz bath and spoonful
ofboneset.
A lecturer undertook to explain to
q village audience the word phenom-
enon. "Maybe you don't know what
a phenomenon is. Well I'll tell you.
You have seer cow, no doubt. Well,
cow is not phenomenon. You have
seen an apple-tree. Well, an apple
tree is not a phenomenon. But when
you see the cow go up the tree tail
foremost, to pick the apples, it is q
phenomenon.
He made his wife present of a
nice diamond ring, and as they rode
along in the street he noticed that
the hand upon which the ring sat was
kept bare. aren't you afraid your
hand will get cold ?" asked he.
"Cold +" exclaimed she "Yoa don't
know much about woman if You
think her hand could get cold with
ring on it like that! and she adroit.
ly smoothed down her dress, with the
ieweled hand in full view of every pas.
senger.-Chicdgo Journal.
Old 81 recently personated Gen.
Washington at ball masque in Allan
Ia, Ga. Some one asked him if he
nroved himself "first in war, first in
peace, and first in the hearts of his
countrymen." 81 dunno bout dat"
said 81; 'but | kno's dis, dat / waz
fust at de hall, de wildes' boss in de
dance, an de las man at de feed
bor'd! OATS de kind of a Gin'rul
Washin ton dis old man made, yer kin
Jess on'erstan, right now'
A boy came down Linwood avenue
on the rush few nights since, and in
an excited manner said there were a
lot of lights in the jewish burial
grounds. Half dozen scientific men,
tour loaiers and dog started off to
see them. The graveyard was as dark
as such places usually are. "Where
are tbs lights? asked big man Of
the boy The youngster backed off
to a safe distance aud yelled ont,
''Under ground; they're Israelites!"
He then ran for his lfe.-Melrose
Journal.
At a revival tho clergyman asked
those who wanted to be prayed for to
stand up Quite number rose to
their feet, and after services were
closed one lady was heard asking an
other at the door: "Why didn't you
stand up? wouldn't have missed the
opportunity for anything" "Oppor-
tunity for what ?" "Why, for stand
ing up and showing your seal skin
sacque There wasn't another in the
whole church -
"Thc brink of the water" exclaim-
ed Mr.. Middlcrib, bullying joyously in
& the sanctum. "is broken-I mean
the wink of the batter is b-naw, the
wack of the boker-sw shaw, the
bsack of the winker is-shucky, the
brote of the baker is winken-here,
where is the nearest shooter dop ?"
And the old gentleman was gone be-
fore we could ask him il he was try
ing to announce that the back of the
winter was broken. Ha,0keye.
a young Bridgeport dry goods
clerk out of job got a situation in
meat market. The other morning he
stood thinking DREAMY about his girl
when a lady entered and said, "Are
these steaks good? 2" Splendid mum.
wear you like India rubber Nothing
slszy about our goods, mum, last you
. long time, in fact you can't make
any impress-."The Recommendation
of the absent minded young msn. who