The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1877-05-17
Why MIR Difflinger Never Married that
Young Lady on North Hill.
Burlington Hawk-Eye. ]

Young Lady ON North Hill.
Darlington Hawk-Eye.!
Everybody was just certain it would
be match. They were just fitted for
each other; she was beautiful and accom-
plished, and young Mr.. Difiinger was
good looking, rather we'll to do, and very
agreeable. II was easily to be seen that
ne was dead in love with that young lady
on North Hill he used to visit, and it
was pretty generally understood
that she wasn't averse to receiving
his bashful attentions, and if it hadn't
been Tor one or two little incidents, it
would have been match, as everybody
expected and predicted.
Young Mr.. Difhinger was not what
you would call an easy, self-possessed
man. Not that he was at all an ungrace-
frl man; in fact he rather prided him
self on his graceful carriage and gestures,
when nobody was looking at him. He
had very studied, regular walk, and
the ladies all said his bows were "per-
fectly divine" But however graceful he
might be ON the street, all his natural
elegance of manner deserted him when
toes turned in. He sat with his knees
lying along the carpet III parallel lines
He laid one hand Oh each knee, or held
himself in the chair with them. and from
time to time he would rouse up, and ap-
pearing to realize the stiffness of his con-
strained position, would suddenly
clasp his hands together and shake hands
with himself, apparently delighted to
know that he was there, and seeming to
derive great comfort and pleasure from
his own intimate acquaintance and SC
ciety. He was always in an agony lest
his scalp lock was standing straight up,
and constantly making furtive dabs at
it, until he would get the crown of his
head down to degree of polish that
would make piano case look rough, and
would make an ordinary egg hatch
itself in sheer envy. He would feel that
his nails were dingy, and would try to
investigate them without attracting
any ones attention, which was always a
failure. And he always stepped on his
own feet and picked up some ones hat
when he started to leave the room. And
one night he waded into this lady's par
lor, and the very young lady every body
thought he would marry, with the
muddiest pair of oyershoes that ever
climbed Burlington clay-bank ciinging
to his feet. And after he got in he didn't
known how under the sun to apologize
ard go out and take them of, and so he
saG down in an elegant easy chair and
worked himself into alternate conditions
of raging fever ard cold sweats, trying
to hid his feet under the chair, painfully
conscious all the time that the eye of
the young lady's mother was glaring at
his unofending feet. And in his agony
he worked one of the shoes off, and when
he came away, not daring to stoop and
pick it up, he left it there in a perfect
frenzy of modification and remorse, and
| frightened the landlady and all the
boarders into commissions of terror, try
ing to dash out his brains by butting his
head against the lath and plaster parti-
tion of his room. And the next day he
received the overshoe in big pasteboard
box, with sarcastic note from the young
lady's mother, stating that he probably
overlooked it on account of its small
ness, (mud and all, it was about the size
of a soap box), and the next Sabbath,
when he caught the young lady's eye in
church, she turned scarlet and dived be-
hind her fan, and he saw her shake the
pew with uncomfortable emotion. He
thought at first that she might be weep
ing, but a closer investigation revealed
his error, and he afterward learned from
some young ladies with whom she had
held converse, that the morning after his
departure from the parlor, it looked as
though G. B. & @. gravel train had
been wrecked under the easy chair in
which he sat.
1t was long time, of course, before
young Mr. Diff niger went out into com.
pany again. But he heard people re.
marking what pity it was that such a
naturally graceful, accomplished young
man should shut himself up like a
secluse, when he could, by an effort,
overcome his bashfulness and make him
self such an ornament to society. So he
resolved to try once more. He tried; he
called at the same house again one night
when there happened to be other com
pany, and by watching himself witt
.. great care, made brilliant success al
through the evening. He sat with hi
,, legs gracefully bestowed after the man
ner of the minstrel gentlemen. Hi
, hands were as graceful and easy as s
) roller skater. He said bright, pleasant
brilliant things in an of-hand manner
; wished he would stay longer. He ricke(
up his own hat. AS he backed toward
the door, in real country style, tn
: young lady darted forward to intercep
him. He understood the movement a
a tribute to his former awkwardness an,
, penchant for lingering over the doc
knob, and backed away more rapidl
. than ever, to achieve, before she could
: : with her we'll meant but unneeded tac
= assist him. He felt behind him an
caught the knob, swung the door oper
, and with perfect triumph of masterl
n grace, the very poetry of elegance
+ bowed himself into a region of QUITE
J darkness and shut himself in.
IS 1t was very dark, indeed. The ha
It lamp had evidently gone out. And III
v less young Mr.. Difhinger's nose was ly
e ing to him in the most shameless MAJ
II ner, somebody had carried the old she
IS box into the hall. Mr.. Dif1inger coul
e hear the mufled murmur of voices o
t. the other side Of the door, and it SCENE
= to him, once or twice, that there We
n some violently suppressed laughter g0in
Y on somewhere in the country. He didn
IF like to 60 back to the parlor and ask fc
z. light, so he groped on, with some mi
n givings, toward the hall door. H
n thought he could detect, in the atmo
j. phere of the close dark hall, strugglin
t. with the old shoe presence, the must
le oder of old clothes. The next thing /
i'd knew he thrust his feet into the box
" dismantled shoes, and fell forward, jan
ut ming one arm up to the elbow in bar
r. box, while with the other hand |
IN reached out, and grasping at anythir
to stay his fall, pulled down upon hir
self, as he fell to the floor, an O
ie army over coat, pair of overalls,
US US balmoral skirt, calico dress, and son
i;e flannel things that he didn't know tt
u Us names Of There appeared to be
IL marked increase in the volume of Il
~ muf1ed laughter, after the crash of /
IS fall, and the dreadful truth dawned up,
young Diffiinger as he rose to hits
yn and shook the things off him. He h.
en- back himself into the wrong door, al