The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1877-03-22
ABORIGINAL PROGRESS.

Aboriginal Progress.
In the Colorado Legislature the 9th
er day, Mr.. G. W. Wilson, chairman of
the committee on Indian affairs, made
the following report:
Mr.. SPEAKER Your committee on
Indian affairs, to whom was referred
all matters relating to the native Amer.
leans, have considered carefully and
prayerfully all matters 50 referred land
would respectfully submit the follow
ing report:
An impartial and careful examina.
tion into the condition and character
of the Indians, has convinced your
committee that the opinion usually
held by the citizens of the State in re-
gard to the want of adaptability on the
part of the Indians to civilization, is
utterly at variance with the facts of
the case. A visit to the various agen.
cies in the different parts of the State
has been of great service in giving us
correct idea of the eminent fitness of
the so.called savages to lead civilized
life and follow the peaceful pursuit of
the farmer. We found The.old-man-
always-lousy industriously preparing
to raise Cain with The white settlers
next summer, and his young men were
as thoroughly imbued with the idea as
the old bull-doser himself.
Another evidence of the progress of
the savages is seen in the fact that but
very few of the braves take their
whisky straight, but call for little
sour in theirs, or prairie-oyster, much
after the fashion of the general asGem
bly, in Denver. The ladies of the tribe,
in consequence of frequent visits to
the white settlements, have acquired
fondness for adorning their persons,
and array themselves in elegant taste,
in imitation of their white sisters.
We saw several wearing hats made Of
huge mushrooms, Ornamented with
feathers, beavers tails, and porcupine
quills.
The most promising circumstance,
however, which came under the no.
tice of your committee was a social
matter something after the Plymouth
style, in which gets
up-on-his-ear took a prominent part.
The lady in the affair is the queenly
and fascinating Turtle-with-fve-toes.
The injured rty(husband of the LADY,
Sleep-with'one.eye-open, stabbed Old.
ho.gets.up.on-his-ear in the bow
els with a sage. brush, after which a
compromise was entered into by which
Sleep-with.one. eye.open came out one
Kyuse pony ahead, an example of the
simple settlement of the affair which
might profitably be followed by the
whites in similar cases, thereby saving
much trouble and expensive litigation.
Your committee would suggest that
the whisky faster to be appointed in
persuance of the provisions of H. B.
No. "a, shall also be made special In
dian commissioner for the State, to
have general supervision of the moral
and spiritual welfare of the savages,
and that the bill be so amended as to
make it the duty of the faster to ship
all whisky condemned by him to
different agencies, thereby causing the
savages to bless the legislature. We
moreover would most earnestly urge
on this house this latter recommenda.
tion, as it is about the last run of shad
for blessing on this outfit.
Your committee would also recon.
mend that each Indian family be fur.
nished with sausage machine to ia.
ciliate the preparation of dogs for
the table. AS the women of the tribe
are somewhat lacking in the culinary
art, your committee would further
recommend that the ladies of the tribe
be instructed in the art of making
mince pies after the Chyenne model,
for it is the opinion of the committee
backed by eminent medical authority,
lat it is barely possible that some
few Indians might even survive after
drinking whisky condemned by Colo
RADIO office holder, but it is certain that
the whisky and pies taken together
would have the effect of producing a
cross.lift on the digestive organs that
no Indian could Withstand, and by this
means the entire race can be gathered
to their fathers in the happy hunt.
ing grounds during the following sum.
| mer.
Your committee would also recon-
mend that the members of this house
exert their influence to secure the ap
pointment of the chairman to the office
of State whisky.taster.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS,
Chairman of the Committee on Indian
| Affairs.
1t is nearly time for some patriot
to write note, urging himself as the
best person for a certain local Office
and then sign it "Many Citizens" and
send it to the newspaper oftice-witt
two dollars enclosed.