The Van Buren press. [volume] (Van Buren, Ark.) 1859-1914, 1877-07-24

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| A young girl from the country, being
on visit to Quaker, was prevailed on
to accompany him to the meeting. 1t hap
pened to .be..a silent onc,'.none Of the
brethren being moved to utter q syllable.
When the Quaker left the Westinghouse,
with his yonng friend, asked "How did
you like the meeting r To which she pet
tishly replied :" Like it! Why, can SEQ
no sense in tito go and sit for whole
hours together without speaking word.
1t is enough to kill Satan himself" Yes,
my DEAR" rcjoincd the Quaker : "that is
just what VIC want"
".Plcasc make yourself quite at 'ome,
General, observes the hospitable British
aristocrat to General Grant put your
legs right hup on the table and spit on the
floor, just as you do in Hamcrica. Never
mind the carpet. !. Hand by all mems
white the chair with your jack, knife. Hi
know you feel like it--you all white your
furniture in Hamcrica l'm sorry hi
aven't cocktail or a corpsesrevivcr to
offer you but we don't know 'ow to make
them ere. DO make yourself comfortable
""a donr stand on ceremony"
IT was, "court week. in a.country tay.
crn, aud late conner was given one Of u
dozen cots which had been putinp tempo,
rarily in the parlor. There was grand
chorus OF snores from the other cots. Ar
ter ar hour or more Of this uproar, one
or the most resonant snores brought m
with snort and was suddenly silent, when
Frenchman, who occupied q otin an
extreme corner of the room, exclaimed,
Thank God, Won ees dcad!"
Nor long since preacher Of our ac-
puaintance described pond in which he
had seen many fine fish, and brought it
into lllustratio1in one ofs:hs discourses.
On the following Sabbath morning six
deacons were missing from their pews,
but when the pastor took stroll after
service, he saw the absent six sitting on
the verdant bank OF that Identical pond,
and half a dozen corks were bobbinp on
that stream. t ~
"What do you sell these fouls for Z"
inquired a person OF q man attempting to
dispose ofsome chickens ola Question
able appearance. Il sell them for profits. !"
was the answer Thank you for the i'm
formation that they are profits" respon.
ded the querist; II took them to be pa
triarchs
A New Jersey jailer opened the doors
to give his prisoners circulating Of air,
aud they were circulating around the
country the last be beasd Of them. rf
A plain spoken woman recently visited
married acquaintance, and said to her,
How do YOU contrive to amuse your
self 2" "Amuse p said the other starting,
"Do you not know that Iihave my house
work to do r Yes" was the answer, II
see you have it to do but It's never done,
| conclude you mist have some other way
OF spending your time" 80
LlrTLE boy-"Please, ! want tie doc
tor to come and see mother" Servant
- Doctors out. Where did you como
froml' Little boy" Whal Don't
you know ME Why, we deal with you.
We had Il baby from here asst week
A DANBuaY tIan describes church
festival FOR raising m oney as an operation
wherein c-hsf OF the church buys
berries for II cents quart and s,lis them
to the other half for dollar. iHe
A little fellow ran to his ms Their the
Other day and asked. "Ala, can have
some bread and jam p His mother " sh-
ing to break him of the vicious habit. re- a
Piled when WAS Of your age Couldn't
get ANYTHING to eat between meals il l,
wanted" Yes, said the boy, after y
moments pause, "but you didn't have
good nice mamma, did you e This
settled ii in favor Of the young fatterer.
A young gentleman who rrntnred
west in the prevailing fashion of neck
wear, WAS Immediately utilized by the
thrifty grangers, who smeared his lefty
SKIRT collar with coal tar and sat him up
as a srasshopper trap ~ -
Two citizens sat on the wharf ia the
Sun tor nearly four hours Yesterday dis
GUESSING remedy for the barl tinles.
Oae III them whitfield! out q Baas.Ier of II
regular toathpieks. and the other i,npcfee-
" polished clam shell ,,,.., s.,.!sIl..i.
sI.f ss,It