Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1877-10-18
WITfAND WISDOM.


MARK TWAIN has reformed and will lecture
no more.
HAYES is the first President to visit Geor-
gia since George Washington.
GENERAL NEPoKOlTsCHlTZsKY has as yet
done nothing worthy of his name.
s.DowN in the mouth'-The young man
who habitually chews his mustache.
Or what use is it to strike for higher !
wages? Every employee gets hire wages. !
IT is estimated that the wheat crops of Ohio
this season will be worth $12O, ,O0O, OO0, ana
hay 500, ,000, 900.
THE Dartmouth Freshmen have adopted
gowns. 1t was only the other day that they
rebelled against petticoats.
ssT1ME tlies," suggested she. Yes, ne
answered, sadly taking dark OBJECT OUT OF
the cream, ''Time flies were gone.
JOSEPH of old was undoubtedly virtuous
man, but our modern Joseph sustalns the
reputation of being the more chased OF the
two.
WHEN clergyman remarked they were to
have nave in the new church, an ola !aoy
whispered that she ''knew the party to Whom
he referred"
THE Republican candidate for Governor OF
New Jersey. the Hon. William A. Newell,
was the first Republican Governor OF the
State. He was elected in 1856.
THE Philadelphia North american notices,
as one of the remarkable features OF New
York politics, that Conkling and Fenton are
coming together, and sees in this new nope
of Republican success.
In the past three days the wires south have
refused to respond, during which time spe-
cial news dispatches and military and private
telegrams have accumulated in thes Helena
Office to the extent of thousands OF words.
FRANKLIN ALLEN, grandson Of the late
Commodore Vanderbilt, applied Tor dis
charge from bankruptcy, and opposition was
made by one creditor whose claim IS $lo, wv.
Eleven creditors have proven debts tor over
ST., 1000.
NEW YORK Hero1d Since the introduc-
ton of ''female postmasters'' girl goes up
to the window and says, lis there letter
for Miss Margaret Robinson p 'Yes, says
the ''female postmaster, ''here is one from
John McJones."
| IT 1s a pleasant feature of the Maryland
Democratic platform that it avoids the some
what tedious monotony of the presidential
fraud plank by somewhat courteous and
freshly worded circumlocution. Otherwise
the document is not remarkable.
| The Ohio State Journal reports that Judge
West is making vigorous campaign IN that
State. and is attracting large audiences at all
points. He has made six speeches every
week since the opening of the campaign in
August. and gains in strength with the peo-
pie every day.
..Bring on your Witnesses" said the judge
in Western murder trial. Clerk Cooking
up and whispering to judge): ''Ihere IS
little game of pedro going on in the other
room" Judge: ''Sancho or plain p Clerk:
..Sancho." Judge: ''This court is adjourned
for an hour"
"WHEN I die let me be buried within the
sound of the hammer, the clang OF the work
shop. the hum of the mil,' says the candl-
date in his speech. And then he goes home
and seats himself in the rocking chair While
his wife carries the coal out of the cellar to
get supper with.
AN English swindler, named Donnell, re-
Gently was escorted into New York gamb-
ling house by ''capper" who mlstook hlm
for an English peer, and the result was that
with S.. 900 counterfeit Donnell t1eeced the
faro-bank out of $4,000 in genuine green
backs. 1t takes thief to catch thief.
The following story is told about Aristar-
chi Bey, who married the daughter OF
Prussian General: ''The General was not
blessed with much wealth, but with many
marriageable daughters One day the Turk
ish Ambassador called upon him, and asked
if he might hope to become the General s SON.
in-law. with pleasure replied General
BONN, delighted How many do you want 2
Aristarchi, seeing that the General took alm
. for Mussulman, replied with some treplda-
ton that he was Christian, and wanted only
one. What nuisance!' grumbled the Gen.
eral, We'll take which ever you like
Persons are drowned by raising their arms
above water, the nubuoyed weight of which
depresses the head. When man falls into
deep water he will rise to the surface, ana
will continue there if he does not elevate MS
hands. If he moves his hands under water
anv wav he pleases his head will rise so high
"A to allow him full liberty to breathe, and
if he will use his legs, as in the act of walk
inc m stairs. his shoulders will rise above
the water 80 that he may use less exertlon
with his hands or apply them to any other
nnrnoee. These plain directions are recon-
mended to the recollection of those who have
not learned to swim in their youth, as they
NAV be found highly advantageous in pre-
serving valuable life.
ON one of the Islands off the coast OF
Maine is gigantic schoolmistress seven fee'
high, weighing three hundred pounds, strong
/ in proportion, and very handsome Once
! she was cent for to reduce to order school
of savage young men, who thrashed theil
! teachers and turned them out. Her adven!
was enough to make them meek as lambs; all
: save one young man of twenty lone, hadsome
and curly-haired, and who regarded nimseil
, as privileged character. He began to cut
up one day before the girls, wnereupon: II
tees bowed him across her knee. and spanked
him with her ruler. The boys laughed, the