The Van Buren press. [volume] (Van Buren, Ark.) 1859-1914, 1877-07-24
PUTTING AN UNDERTAKE..

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years. he commenced as he reached the
head Of the stairs, "and nov | want a
pull ''AHzf
lie was very tall. slender man, had
face that hadn't smiled since ] Sl2, and his
neck was embraced by q white cravat,
aud his hands were thrust into black
gloves.
"Eve got a new hearse, a new stock OF
collins, and want local notice., he
continued, as he sat down and sighed, as
if ready to screw coliin lid down.
my dear sir" replied the man in the
corner, "fve met you at great many
funerals, and your general bearing has
created favorable impression. You
sigh with the sighers, grieve with the
grievers, and, on extra occasions, you
shed tears of sorrow, even though you
know that you can get ten per cent. oil
your bill under six months.
Yes" sfgneu tue undertakrr, instinct
lively measuring the length Of the table
with his eye, and wondering to himself
why editors tables weren't covered with
Grape, with rows of coffin nails around
the edges.
| y
tinued the man in the corner +" but still,
it is an occasion when one can appreci
ate neat thing. I've seen you rub your
knuckles against door. posts and never
change contenance; I've seen you listen
to eulogies on men who owed you TWEEN
ty years before their death and you look
ed more solemn than even the bcrcaved
widow; I've seen you back your hearse
up to a door in such an easy quiet way
that it robbed death of half its terrors.
All this have seen and appreciated, but
| could not write a puf for you
"Why notT' he demanded.
"For many reasons. Now, you have
a new hearse. Could go aud say - Mr.
Sackeloth, the genial undertaken, has just
received a tine new hcarse, and We hope
our citizens will endcavor to bestow up.
on it the patronage such enterprise de-
serves. 1t rides easy, is handsomely
finished, and those who try it once will
want no other Could say that p
mo, not very WE'LL
"Of course couldn't. You can call
a grocer or d dry goods man genial
friend and it's all right, but you aren't
genial--you can't be. tsyour business
to be solemn Ifyou could be even more
solemn than you are it would be money
in your pocket.
That's so,' he said signing, heavily.
"If IT was M omnibus, or u coal cart,
or a wheelbarrow, could go and write
a chapter on every separate spoke; but
IL isn't, you aee."
He leaned back and sighed again
land as to your coffins they are doubt.
less nice ceillns, and your prices are pro-
badly reasonable, but could / go on and
say. Mr.. Sackcloth, the Undertaken, has
-. .-~.i.@a his new styles in spring
collins, all sizes, and is now prepared ~
see as many orhis old customers as want
something handsome and durable at a
moderate price Could l say that!'
Another sigh
couldn't say that you were holding
a clearing out sale, in orde" to get ready
for the spring trade, or that, for the sake
Of increasing your patronage, you had
decided to present each customer with a
chrome couldn't say that you were
repairing and re painting, and had the
iuoSi attiaStlNC SoHlu-ouoP ia DSboit
1t would not do to hope that people
would patronzc you. or to say that all
orders sent in by mail would be prompt.
ly filled, and that your motto was" Quick
sales and small profits y
lie put on the look Of a tombstone,
but made no reply.
you see, if you had stoves to sell. or
dealt in mackerel, or sold fishing tackle,
everything would be lovely. You are an
ndertaker-solemn, sedate and mourn
full. You revel in Grape and yon never
pass black walnut door without think
ing how much good coffin lumber is reck-
lessly wasted The tolllng bell is music
to you, and the City Hall flag at half
mast is fat on your irbs. We'd like to
oblige you. but you see how it is"
g. Yes, see" he sighed, and be form
ed a procession, and moved down stairs,
looking around now and then to see if
the hearse was just thirty four feet behind
the officiating clergyman's carriage De
troit Free Press