The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1877-08-01
of the needless throng following her as
she stumbled out the door. Harry Hills
had one drama of which the gaud y post
ers gave no hint.
The New Baby.

which are always happening In all sorts
Of families, a baby was lately introduced
into the establishment where now board.
Tom Clifton, who is the boss Of the house,
thinks the baby is his, and I think it like
ly enough that it is.
1t was sight to see Tom rush around
on the eventful night. First he rushed
for one doctor; then because he didn't
come in fifteen minutes, he went after
another; then, as neither of them got
home before he did, he gave frantic chase
after third one.
Presently they all three came about the
same time. Then it turned out that one
was an Allopath, one Homeopath, and
the other an Eclectic. One wanted to
bleed the mother and put blister be-
tween her shoulders and mustard plaster
all down her back. The Homeopath dis
solved half q little pill in bucket of
water, told them to put a teaspoonful of
the water into fourteen gallons of beer,
and give her one drop of the beer on a
large lump of ice, once in all hour and a
half. The Eclectic man wanted to put
her in a steam bath and parboil her for
two hours and a quarter, as a necessary
preliminary to anything else. OF course
they quarreled, and meantime the family
doctor came, and the other three transfer
red the scene Of their dispute to the street.
Then saw the Homeopath in about
minute, lying under the fore wheels of
his carriage, where he had been knocked
by the gold-headed cane of the Eclectic,
who was himself suffering from black
eye, presented gratuitously by the Allo-
pathic man who seemed to get off Free
Then, after the baby was born, there
was a similar rushing around after nurses.
Tom, in his furry, had engaged Dutch
one and an Irish one, and they both came
together. The Dutch nurse wanted to
dress the baby in leather brooches and
wooden shoes, give him plate of sQ1r-
krout, and then put him to bed with
meerschaum pipe handy to his crib. The
Irish nurse insisted on attiring the young
ster in red flannel petticoat and then
giving him some spirits to make him
sleep. Then Dutch nurse said the Irish
nurse wanted to kill the baby, to which
Irish nurse replied that the Dutch nurse
had already killed half dozen babies.
Each accused the other Of choking,
babies, of poisoning babies, Of neglecting
babies, and Of permitting babies to die
in various ways, until we began to think
that monthly nurses made a business of
putting babies into the grave instead Of
keeping them out of it. Pretty soon they
went for each others hair. In two
minutes there was the most complete
wreck of nurses ever heard of. The floor
was Uttered with torn dresses and false
hair and when Tom came to the rescue,
the Dutch nurse was sitting in a corner
in the midat of a heap of broken crock
cry, and the Irish nurse was lying under
the bed, with her one head looking like
two.
We soon got the two dilapidated women
out of the house, when they renewed their
combat on the sidewalk, and were both
walked off to the station-house.
Then we got first-class nurse, and I
began to study her as a curiosity. I find
that it is the habit Of the first-class nurse
to take snuff, and to always take the most
when she is fixing something to eat for
somebody.
Mrs. Tom one day found the Scotch
snuff quarter of an inch thick on her slice
Of toast, and there was teaspoonful Of
rappee at the bottom of her cup of coffee.
Then the nurse goes about the house
tasting Of what is in every bottle till she
finds the Bourbon and the Otard, and is
all the time asking for more whisky to
battle the patients feet in. Then she
pokes her nose into every room and closet
in the house till she's got a complete in
ycntory of everything, and can tell how
many changes of clothing every individ-
ual possesses, and whether he's got any
holes in his stockings, and how many.
She is perfect tyrant in the place.
She turns the husband out of his own
house won't let him see his own wife
sends him on never-ending errands, and
takes a great delight in making him walk
on tip-toe, and live on scraps, and creep
about his own premises as if he were a
sneak-thief, on the lookout for an over
coat, instead of being the lord and master
Of the premises. She bullies all the rest
of the servants, until they are ready to
stab her with toasting fork, or break her
head with the rolling pin.
After keeping the house upside down
for month, and making everybody mis-
cradle, she at last departs, and if num-
Der of the best dresses Of the lady Of the
house, to say nothing of scarfs, and hand
kerchiefs, and probably silver teaspoon
or so don't go off at about the same time
then that particular lady is lucky.
But the pranks Of our Trumps with our
new baby were never ending. From the
first he regarded it simply as plaything
got expressly for him, as some sort of a
doll, constructed on new principle that
enabled it to make a noise, so he content
ed himself for the first few days with sly
ly pinching it, to make it yell every time