The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1877-07-14


Our Paris muslin waists do swell,
Our painted lips breathe perfumed signs
Upon the platform as we stand;
And each one grasps kid-g loyed hand
Twelve button-all the style they are,
Four dollars and six bits pair.
Please tell me, If you'll be so kind,
How does my filter look behindY
And do you think the audience knows
&eaF psiF Of striped hoseY
they'll see my white hid shoes
Threes are my number
A stranger arrived in st. Louis, took look
the city and shot himself In his pockets were
found thirty-fve cents and stub OF lead pen
Gil, which caused the coroners jury to return
verdict: "Chlcago editor-couldnt stand pros.
perity."
The saucy Gail sums up the retirement OF
Auditor Talbot, Minister Baker, Minister Wash
burne, and sundry other oflice.holders entitled
to remain, with the suggestive anecdote: was
she willing 10 dieY inquired the sympathlzlng
neighbor "Wiling,n responded the bluff old wild
over, "she was obleeged to-" The story is not
new, but 1t is wonderfully pat.-7fmeS.
HIS NAME WAS MARBLE.
Beneath this marble one old Marble lies;
This marble truly tells that Marble dies;
At the last trump old Marble saali be vent;
hdIulC Sudii now ~ ubk tlllt UUUuIubult
For marble never lived aud never dies
Yet Marble once did live, still lives, ana never
dies,
sptnsaeld, Mass. executor is In trouble.
A man who died had divided his property equal
ly between his wife, living child, and child
unborn. After the distribution was made to the
former two the unborn" came and proved to
be twins. The executor is scratching his bead
and the lawyers can give him no relief
The Aurora Herald tells this story of Mr.. Mat
thews, of Plano Sewing Machine fame:
Mr.. Matthews shaved off his mustache the
other day, borrowed a new hat OF Shook, the
photographer, and went into his music store and
bought an organ Of his partner, Mr.. Bradbury,
who did not recognize him until he came to pay
for the instrument, when he saw 1t was the same
old empty pocketbook
A man made bet that he would pass twenty
five men over Waterloo Bridge, London, with out
toll being taken from them, and he won. He
marshaled his men and asked the toman In Il
nonchalant way to count them. AS soon as the
last man had passed the turnstile and all were
walking briskly away, he entered Into dispute
with the tollman as TO the number that had
passed Twenty five" said the tollman. 81
vow it was twenty-seven," asserted the other.
The dispute continued until the last man was
out Of sight, when the Spectator paid his half.
penny and said "Well, after all, it is no matter
Of mine. Good morning."-Er.
Improvement upon Watts by lover OF good
poetry and green peas:
How doth the little verdant pea
Improve the cpigraDtHtCS
And other portions that may be
OF Mary's little lamb"
A philosopher says: at is a mistake to look
IN the face for signs Of feeling. the real seat of
sensation Is within" We believe you, my boy;
especially if the individual has been eating
green currant pie.-LdStoH F'ee Press.
The New York Tribune is wrestling with the
hornbook elements Of Democracy-and seems to
state governments have rights which the fedcr.
al government is bound to respect"
The World remarks of the war On Hayes inau.
gura,ed by Blaine and Chamberlain at Wood.
stock las, week: I'VE trust there will be some
pretty lighting, since there cannot be peace; aud
as for the constitutional Democracy
-"whether he kill Cassie,
Or Cassie him, or each do kill the other
Every way makes our gain
The Carson tNey) Arpcal has occasion to re.
mark:
We thought Of fame Md the strange sheen Of
It's sometime glitter when We saw Bob luger
SOILS handsome head on one side OF rum she 7
screen and the two.hGrned rhnOceros on the
other. But all this world is circus, and IA show
man IS a Snowman
Two Connecticut towns, Norwich and New
London, are at il again. The Bulletin having
announced that some fishermen had brought VI
skate that weighed twenty-five pounds, anC
was four and half feet long. the telegram says
''some Norwich girl lost II of her foot last win
ter probably, while skating"
Another Cowhiding Affair was the sensa
t!onal head line a western editor put over
orlei item calling attention TO his lost cattle.
To the question OF the Toledo Blade, "How t,
do mp shiTts," Wisconsin editor answers, "w
usually do up our other shirt in brown pape
when we travel"
Carter Harrison, tie iugacious Chicago con
gresham, who has gained a national reputation
Tor bis impassisned panegyrics Of the American
eagle, is eclipsed by Lemont orator OF the un
poetic name OF Brown, who electrified buco..
audience on the @th in the following CLOWN.
strain.
And our glorious old Eagle, the symbol q
independent greatness, covering with his wing
Ooth nerthern and southern zones, shaduwin.
WIN one the sea, aud the other the land; N
gaze ana wonder Of the creatures Of both, dir
ping his tail In the Atlantic and his beak In n.
pacine is truly that bird Of the sun
free" -"
Aud as he rises from the Andes and soar q
nAFa Tie ssars, lit emblem Of the destiny d
we republic, screaming defiance 10 a thousan
tuhuhdeFooiis, sweeping along the tide Of Tim
hlhS OF birds, superb and imperial, nnall
reaches the grand empyrean, and. lighting upo
me hfOne, chlTps back louder than seven thu
aeIs' HEAVEN Is ny HONE,!rr
The Burlington H56t1ls thus puts il:
II President Grant, now, had only thought
E'as a decree routing all Office holders out ,
politics and removing the iroops from tbs SON,
sone time during ais second term, what m
mendOEs. overwhelming majority Presjdei
Hayes woaid have reeeiyed-to siay az home.
The truthful parsgraphIst Of the EanEhar