Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1877-06-14
MY WIFE'S LOSSES.

Bless her little soul! she may not be
beautiful as Venus or wise as Minerva,
but she is the most amusing wife me ever
had.
g Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her Infinite variety"
The other day young and lovely bride
called on us. Her face was calm, her eyes
bright, her color glowing, her hair rich
and lustrOus; the words OF truth and
soberness fell from her lips. You could
not fail to admire her. She would be
model hOusekeeper, a good mother
mild yet frm,' as the old owl said to
his son Billy-and decorOus, proper, ex-
ceHent, to the end of her days. Shall
confess that the call bored me exceeding
ly? | suppose my total depravity came
to the surface just then. AS for Nan she
turned toward me with a sigh, half stified,
and a pretty, wistfuI, inquiring look
Isn't she nice, Jack? | declare [ do
think she's lovely. You can depend on
her every time. She'll be just in the
right place from now till never. Oh
dearr'
Yes" said l, that is all true, Nan;
but there is such lack of unexpected
ness about her that | should hate her in a
week"
ooh, you dear old thing that's why
you love me, isn't itY''
And she threw herself into my arms in
the most gushing manner, and-bit the
tip of my ear! She really did: not entire
ly in a savage fashion, but as kitten
bites.
THAT was unexpected, certainly" said
/, with grimace, rubbing the injured
member. But Nan did not sympathize
She withdrew herself calmly, and began
to hunt about the room in a most viva
cious manner.
What are you looking for nOa0, Nan ~
She resented the emphasis with look
of rage at me, for this was a sore point
But as the search went on, and she grew
desperate, she turned to me and remarked,
not too sweetly,
:" Ii you must know, l can't find my
other ivory needle"
| could not help i'll had to laugh.
The needle was stuck through the dark
knot OF her hair like a Roman girls
dagger.
Oh" said she, when | told her-an
"ohn that ought to be written stGccatO, if
l mad only a bit Of score to do it. Formy
wife's losses are the family delight Never
was such an inconsequent woman made.
She. knows where all my things are, and
reproaches me with the cruelest scorn if [
venture TO ask where my stockings live,
or what has become Of my white vest.
And the drawers that belong to little
Gracilis, her niece, are miracles of order,
and the luckless child is visited with aw-
full TRADES from her aunty if an apron is
mislaid, or a shoe wandering from its owr
place. This is all very nice for Gracilis
and me; but when it comes to her own
things, if they were created out of original
atoms every time she wanted them, they
could not be more astray or longer in com
ing together.
Well do | remember, when we moved
from the hotel to our little house. the
anguish of mind which pervaded Mans
atmosphere. But after three DAYS we
looked about US, and found "most things
were somewhere as she lucidlv stated it.
Still there were three bottles OF claret to
be accounted for-the last of a dozen
which a kindly friend mad sent us to miti
gate the austerities of hotel table. 1t
was very good claret; the taste was clean
and tolerably mild, and the bouquet fine
This 1t was which recommended it to nv
wife. She would hang over her glass like
bee above blossom, with dilate noStrils
and dreamy eyes Oh, Jack, it is like
English violets l''-the dinner, such it
was. growing cold on her plate, till was
obliged to suggest that her food was wait
ing 10 be eaten, and perfume would not
supply the place of beef and bread. But
those three bottles of claret were gone.
Nan knew perfectly well she had taken
them in basket when | carried her and
few other precious things over to the house
in my buggy.
You see, | didn't want to put any
temptation IN Polonius' way, Jack, so I
took them myself k11olo l did,
Let me put in parenthesis here, and
rise to explain that Polonius is not the
immortal adjunct ia :" Hamlet" but only
my queer wite's way of saying Mallory.
which is our washer woman's name.
3ut if you put them there, Nan, we
must have taken them out"
Oh. Jack, what geese men arei Don't
you know you left the buggy and went up
STAIRS to fetch that lovely vase YOU broke
on the steps after all; and how dc YOU
know who helped themselves to that claret
then?''
There was double flavor to this speech,
a sort OF mental peppermint that made
me feel two ways at once. just as that pop-
ular aromatic makes your mouth hot and
cold together. | at least was freed from
blame about the claret, but then I was
brought to rocollect that broke the vase
Perhaps though" she went on, ssvou
might have put 1t under the buggvseat.
and in that case itmay still be at the iiverv-
stable. Oh, do go right away and see.
So meekly walked over to the stable;