The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1877-05-03
WIT AND HUMOR.
REAL quacks-Ducks.

OuU.
A P1oKPooKEr works on abstract Tprin
ciples.
How TO take life easy-Be careless witt
coal oil.
A DIFFICULT lock to pick-One from
bald head.
WHAT holds all the snuff in the worL
No one nose.
A Two-FooT rule" Boots and shoes
for cash only"
AN honest meal cannot be made from
a boned turkey.
HoGG was good writer, but he can't
be considered aside of Bacon.
WHY is very popular actor like al
architect Because he draws houses
ADVICE to striking printers-Keep
composed, :" but don't get g set up.
A PRINTER invariably gets out of sorts
when he reaches the bottom of his case.
WHY is the Queens health like an in
temperate man? Because it is often
drunk.
WHAT is that which increases the
more you take from it? Why, a hole,
OF course.
WHY is lady's hustle like a historical
romance? Because it is fiction founded
upon fact.
WHAT is the difference between a spend
thrift and a pillow? One is hard up and
the other is soft down.
The woodman who refuses to "spare
that tree" may have been regarded as a
sort of a -more-ist in his way.
"CAN you see me, dear?" said Chi
cago man to his dying wife. "Tell me,
can you see me?'' "No," she family
whispered, "but I can smell your
breath.
IF you have a good sister, love and
cherish her with all your heart. If you
have none, why then love and cherish
the good sister of some other man with
all your heart.
"TEDDY, my boy, jist guess how
many cheeses there are in this bag, an
faith I'll give you all the fve." Five,
to be sure, said Teddy. "Arrah bad
luck to the man that tould YET"
"Ir seems to me, said customer to
his barber, that in these hard times you
ought to lower your price for shaving"
"Can't do it," replied the barber
Nowadays everybody wears such a long
face that we have a great deal more sur
face to shave over"
Mr.. BoUNDERBY (pompously, and with
the intention OF putting =" that Yankee
fellow" down -" Yes, sir; yes, sir
you see in me a self-made man p
Yankee fellow (coolly)-"Ah, was
wondering how to account for your
being so alfred awkward"
A LADY said to neighbor, whose hus
band was bookkeeper: "Your hus-
bands occupation is a very sedentary
one he must suffer for want of exer-
cise." cob, I don't know about that;
he's always talking about running up
the columns ] % was the reply.
AN honest yeoman, of very correct
habits, who was told that if he smoked
one less cigar day for two years, he
could save money enough, principal and
interest, to buy good farm, has made
himself sick as death every day for the
past two weeks trying to learn to smoke.
Thus is the path of honest industry be-
set with difficulties.
I TALKED with a minion from Her
Majesty's dominions. Says I, "Where
are you going?" Says he, "To hide
hoe" Says I, "What are you going to
hide hoe for?' Says he, CT didn't
say hide a hoe; I said hide a hoe"
Says I, "Spell it." Says he, "I-d-a-
h-o." ooh, says [, Idaho" eyes,"
says he, Glide hoe
The gate of the cemetery opened and
two little children came up the hill
where I was sitting, and I overheard
the following conversation. The elder
of the two said: g wonder if we shall
have as nice place as this to be put
into when we die? 2" ct don't know"
said the younger, 'sbut I'd rather be
buried up here so high than shut up in
dark vault down below, wouldn't
your" "Why, DEAR? said the elder.
Because, said the little one, GO I think
I'd be nearer heaven when I woke up ! :"
A CERTAIN paper published in New
York is only rs cents a year, and each
subscriber is promised ga gold-plated
watch chain, lady's jet brooch, jet ear
drops, pair gold-stone sleeve-buttons,
lady's heavy wedding ring, set spiral
studs, new style collar stud, and gents
diamond pin" And yet we are told that
some persons call the publisher mean
and close-fsted and overreaching, BEG
cause he won't throw in three-story
brick house and a two-horse carriage. |
But he couldn't do that unless he adj
vanced the price of his paper to 81 a
year, and then they would growl again.
BURNETT's COLOGNE is prepared from |
the prrest and best materials and is unrivaled |