The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1877-12-22
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
Helen B. Darrned'' is the rather expressive
and expletiye name of lady residing in New
York.
lady fell into an open coal-hole in the pave
nent in front of store in Richmond, Ind, and
in falling thrust her hand through window.
The store keeper helped her out and charged
her 81 40 for the broken glass.
What is editorial courtesy p asks paper.
Why IL is when an editor is caught stealing
chickens midnight and his brother editors
kindly alude to the matter as a " strange freak
of somnambulist."
He was taken sick in the night and in her
youthful ignorance she made two mustard plas-
ters and placed one on his chest and one between
ms shoulders and then, horrid sarcasm she
asked him how he felt. But he was we-bred
man. and merely said that he appreciated, with
a tenderness he had never known before, the
true position of saudwitch in the community.
Adam Scott had boy Rob who was a great
terror to him. He prayed very earnestly for
him, and once in his wise; so, Lord, haze
mercy on Rob. Ye ken yoursel he is a wild
Gallant, and thinks nae mair O. committing sin
than dog does O. licking dish but put Thy
hook in his nose, and Thy bride in bis CAB,
and gar him come back to Thee wi a jerk that
he'll no forget the Largest day he has to live
Governor LeD. vance LellS OI u Now OEledUs
man who died, and left the seventh article in
his will as follows - Whereas, it seems that
my son John seems inclined to play poker
which Is a dangerous game to tinker with unless
you know what you are doing; therefore, leave
my son John SIC, 900 that he may go TO Halifax,
n. c., and learn how to play the game.
a little boy being instructed in morals by his
grandmother, the old lady told him that all such
term as "by gol,'' 50 by lingo" by thun-
der;' etc, were only little oaths, and but little
better than other profanities. In fact, she could
tell PrOfane oath by the prefix by All
such were Oaths. '' Well, then, grandmother, ~
said the hopeful, {" by telegraph which |
see in the newspapers, swearng?'' {" No, said
the old lady, g that is only lying
Two young attorneys were wrangling for a
long time before Judge Knox, of Virginia, over
point of law. His Honor rendered his deci-
siOn. and the sprig who had lost impudently re-
Gnarked: " Your Honor there is growing
opinion that all the fools are not dead vet. !"
9 Certainly" answered the Court, with un-
rufied good humor, 81 quite agree with you,
Mr. B-,and congratulate you upon your
healthy appearance
KEEP Your MOUTH SHUT-Blessed is the man
who knows enough to keep his mouth shut.
Some people live sixty years without learning
the art. Indeed, the older they grow the wider
their mouths open. A or woman who is a
gabbler at forty-fve is deadful af1iction to a
house or church or community. There are two
things this age needs to learn-when to say
nothing, and when to say any thing to say Il
we'll s. If any man among you seems to be re-
liglous, and bridleth not his tongue, this mans
religion is vain. Golden Rule
Before she could utter the {. Where have YOU
been till this hour of the morning, ANYHOW ~
when was trembling on her lips, he said Bin
their mind reading; bet you seven dollars car
read yer mind this very minnit'' Well yor
old fool, what am L thinking of now?'' she saiC
in q tone of sadness. 80 Thinkin' of! Wbv
can read your mind like ther open pages Of e
book yer thinkin' I'm drunken'r a bIlei ovl
but yer never was worse fooled in YOUR life
She only said that there must be something !
mind reading after all, for he had hit the ma
right square on the head.-PhiLadelphia Press.
Boston Herald: On the election day, viii
General Butler was in the line for the purpo
of exercising his great prerogative of the Amer
can citizen, he was addressed by an acquantan,
as follows: " Why General, are you going
cast the clean ticket-not scratch on it-ci
you stand the whole let ?' General Yes We
i am going to put it in just it is, but 1 Al
somewhat In the position of the countrymal
who after having signed statement, was aske
by his attorney, in the presence of witnesse
Do you acknowledge this as your own frt
act and deed 2 Yes, SIR answered the countr,
man, it is, but it goes hard agin the will"
Tom Ewing insists that we can't resume spec
of gold in the Treasury. He says: g Experient
has shown it to be an axiom in finance that,
order to sustain specie payments, it is necessal
to have on hand very much larger amount
coin than the entire volume of paper curren'
which is kept afoat. Take England, for il
stance. She keeps constantly on hand abo
seven hundred millions in coin; but the volun
of her per aaoat never exceeds two hundr
and fft millions. On the same basis we shou
have much more than twelve hundred million
of coin on hand, for we have nearly seven hu
dred millions of paper afoat.'
At the Criminal Court yesterday, a color
man stoutly pleaded not guilty to charge
burglary, and. as he had no money, Judge Jon
beckoned toward one of the young and risil
counsellors present and remarked:
'' Mfr, 1 appoint you to defend the pr
oner."
The colored burglar rolled his eyes with borr
when he heard the name of the hero of hu
dred convictions mentioned with his case, al
eagerly cried:
s. No, Jej. no. guess not. L pleads guilt
eff year don't make it more'n, two years in
pen.''
The prisoner was sentenced accordingly, a
the young lawyer Tailed one more lost case.
Southern paper.