The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1877-07-25
Scissored Locals.

Scissored Locals.
Observation has taught us these things
Firstly-If q man tells you a mule won
kick, it is better to take his word tor1t
than to try to prove it by an experiment
Secondly-It is not best to fool with the
business end of q hornet. Thirdly-Tha1
when a wise man sees anything in the pa.
per about himself, he says nothing about
it, while a fool invariably gets mad
Fourthly--That the best way to tell a red
headed woman that her baby squints, is to
go to some distant town and inform her
by mail.
We saw exactly five hundred and sew
enteen cats on q backyard fence he other
night, and the music they made would
have drowned all the string bands in the
country. We've got a shot gun ead
plenty Of damna-no, ammunition--and
if we slip out some night and pour about
q pint OF shot into their camp, there will
be a surplus Of fiddle strings and sausage
meat OH the market.
Did you ever ramble abroad in the
fields on a warm Sunday afternoon and
listen to the buzz OF insects and the songs
OF the little birds? Didst thou wander
to the brink Of the murmuring stream,
and, standing on its sloping, messy bank,
gaze at the sportive little fishes IN Its
liquid depths? And did thy feet fly up
from that messy bank and thy thoughts
leave thee, only to find thee, on return
ing, squatting ingloriously in the deepest
part OF that murmuring stream?
It is the man Of energy, pluck and
nerve who is up and doing such weather
and times as these, wearing a pleasing
smile and giving a pleasant word to all
he chances to meet. 1t is the stingy,
miserly old fraud who mopes about with
q disconsolate look, growing and snar.
ling about everything going wrong and
the general degeneracy Of the times. a
MAJ can he whichever he pleases.
Teachers of the Sabbath school have
duties and obligations Of no ordinary
character: Your business there IS OF
amazing interest. The intercourse is that
OF soul with soul, and it depends very
much upon the preparation OF your un-
derstanding and heart, what the character
and result Of this intercourse shall be.
! The far-seeing individual who invented
the tiy-tray and seductive paper that
lures them on to destruction did a good
thing for his country, but an opportunity
IL" llCo " W L4S $500
self by getting up some sort of a machine
that will harvest mosquitoes. There are
mighty few persons who wouldn't prefer
taking their flies and b~lackberries reg
ularly three times day than to contend
with the business end of a mosquito fiji
teen minutes when tired nature socks
repose.
A boy who goes in swimming and
coming out of the water finds that some
other boy has hopelessly knotted up his
shirt sleeves and trousers legs, and don't
swear in seven different languages, is
just as pious as Sunday school scholars
ever get to be, and ought to be voted o
gold medal for good behavior under the
most a%ggravating Of circumstances. .
Some extremely sensitive people mag
inc that some harm is intended them,
when perchance they divest their minds
of some thought in our presence and 1t is
quoted in these columns. We can assure
such persons that no harm is intended,
and it occurs to us that no enterprising
individual will object to being made the
butt of q good joke occasionally, when il
is for the best interests of his local pa
per.
While men arc spending sleepless
nights and going crazy trying to discover
some short cut to fortune, it seems
strange that some energetic tillor of tho
soil hasn't invented all onion with O sweet
breath. An independent fortune awaits
the inventor OF such a-production, tho
young folks would do him honor and tu'
ture generations would rise up and builc
q towering monument to perpetuate hi:
memory.
The boys hang themselves across tho
salt barrels and dry goods boxes now, il
preference to assuming a sitting posture
which is difficult for them to do with any
degree of comfort. The creeks are shall
low and swimming with too much o
their bodies out Of the water the SUI
blisters EN-.
The most agile of our street gamins
have so applied themselves that they cal
60 up and through a peach tree, til
their mammoth pockets and get dow
again before the owner can cock hi
double barrelled shot gun and bring it il
range or turn his bulldog loose. They'r
lightning.
The summer has been a favorable on
for the little busy bee, which has i'm
proved each shining hour and filled 1t
storehouse with liquid sweets, beside
laying by a large surplus for its keeper, a
q reward for his care and supervision.
People frequently worry a good dea
about items that appear in the newspaper
If they would just make up their minds
to believe all the papers tell, their OK
penditures for concentrated I've would b
considerably lessened.
Upon a pallet on the back porch ma.
now be seen the disconsolate boy doubles
up in a bow knot, while a sympathizin
mother bends over him with a bottle G
!, %paregoric in one hand and tries to consol
him by reminding him of the fact tina
she charged him particularly to let tn
green apples alone.
It's difficult to court sleep in small ant
poorly ventilated rooms, these hot nights
open air couches, meath the light OF tn
pale moon, upon any grass plot, would b
greatly preferred if mad dogs were nc
providing about.
} Lawyer has discovered a new remed
for home flies. He goes out in the morn
ing and reads a column Of the latest wa
} news, and in less than ten minutes tn
, last fly is seen climbing Owe tho bac
r fence with q finger in each ear. Pater
applied for.
3 History Is repeating itself. The doctor
) are busy dishing up their plasters an
pills, the rejoice at Inc revival I
trade, the small boy is the sufferer an
. his paternal ancestor foots the bills.
This is the first season for several year
, that we haven't heard more or less CON
!, plant about drought, parched eartl
! dried up crops, short pastures and prop!l
I estes Of ali impending famine. Th
change is a pleasant one.
: What very poor memories folks d
l have. Every summer that rolls aroun
is the hottest they have ever seen, tn
flies are the worst, and the men hay
never seen the tieas half SO b~loodthirst
: and a%ggravating before.
g About now it is necessary that the SCI
q mon be short and exactly to the point,
you expecta bald-headed man to give hi
r undivided attention to what is said an
s sung, and not use language contrary t
: the canons of the church as he brushe
off the troublesome fly.
The farmer who hasn't a surplus {
j something to sell this season has been Ia
: Nv, is alubber and a drone in the hive G
industry, and ought to be rode on a raj
: ducked in a frog poud and ~disfranchisec