The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1877-06-07
For the Vulley Vir1inin,a

There mas been an importation lately into the
| Valley OF character whose claims and preten-
sions have until quite recently attracted as little
public attention as those of any other tramp that
comes this way. Since he has been little EN- bol-
dened to show himself out in his true nature. the
slime that he leaves his track points unerring-
| Iy to the filthy den from which he has emerna55
and from the precincts of which it might be some,
times periloliS to venture In his animal in
stincts he is closely allied to certain species OF
the feline race, a shake of whose caudal append
age is caution to all decent people to keep out
OF the way. His Protean shapes call forth as many
descriptions as there are figures OF speech A
| short acquaintance, at safe distance, forced
upon us by conscientious discharge of our pro-
fessional duties and a most unusual conjucture
story, that heightened out would be as startling
and full OF adventure as any story about ghouis
and ghosts. or about witches and warlicks, and
long nebbed things Presto change there he
is veritable cook and caterer In the matter of
hs IS his Il d ds al aps be-
it is the very thing suited to everybody eise's
palate The consequence is, that his vision has
become so distorted, that he looks at every thing
and everybody, as ii he were looking through q
pair OF green spectaces. The farmers are green
hind green turtle soup. turn two at Del
monicos, and the utmost skill. care and atten-
ton Of his medical advisers have cured him Of
this ailment. We are Of the regular faculty and
know how to keep secrets. We are not going to
tell what Demonico did for him, as we are NOT
bound to tell everything. The faculty consulted
was one member Of the faculty who could dag
nose the disease and suggest the remedy, one s.
b. A. A prescription was at once written out ac-
cording to his Instructions. We are going to tell
now what the faculty did: Well, in a fit Of des-
favorite beverage into his face, when, mirabile
by sort of homeopathic process, it at once took
see sc a o IN ms zee He begins to
after being reused from his comatose state are
pitiable to behold, as he muses. with himself
'Othello's occupations gone,' and ever and anon
repeats the mournful refrain, 80 carry me back
to old Viginny. to old viginny s sho." When the
faculty witnessed all this, some of them being a
N hn al
thinking that either we or Delmonico had now
played the very deuce. The leader of the faculty,
$. b. A., who knew what was the matter, admon-
ished the other members OF the faculty to keep
quiet, and not to create needless alarm as If
ing, in order to reassure them and the patient At
the same time, that there was really no cause for
alarm, the symptoms were all favorable and the
phenomena altogether normal Just what always
happened in cases of such sudden transition
Presto! change! the deluded sufferer now sets
hims elf up for q steam doctor, ignoring our
claim to be even root doctors. Did not BARRIERS,
and cooks and caterers once engross the whole
but had confess that he had the better Of rs 30
he kept on insisting that we had stolen his thun-
der, and had used his own favorite prescription,
both sick and well. We held on to our prestige |
though, as being of the regular faculty, Summon
ed to attend him on his own call. We were now
called on to tax our utmost skill in dealing with
another phase OF this interesting case, Haluci-
nation upon Inflammation had fairly taken pos
Of vh he ersa as We g9 mt the
ing under the horrible delusion, that a lie we'll |
stuck to was as good as the truth, Here followed
another consultation. The HOMEOPATHIC practice |
was here on top the question. The faculty. with |
one accord, confessed themselves incapable OF
like against like. The head OF the faculty.. a. r |
A., was never more put out than he was in dag.
oa @ MN
written out It was to pc strong dose of truth,
IN TIE CELEBRATING way the upshot Of this expert
blow an English iron clad out of the water with |
an old calomel pill. Here was dilemma and an
other consultation. We had exhausted ali our
skill and our whole store oil remedies when we |
emptied the dish, on the homeopathic system. |
We had signay failed in the allopathic practice |
but the FACULTY are never long without expedi- |
ents. Some Of us had been in California and Ore
gon. and on the plains. Others had, like Cook |
ping in China and Japan making on orr retnrn
voyage the North Pole. stopping occasionaIlv
and 5 cleaning all the information could among
useless to talk about our rambles ashore. and on |
the coasts OF Africa and Arabia. We are thus |
particular in order to have it known that we are
no novices, and are fully up with the times in the
root business. We cannot give detailed report
OF the discussions that took place during these
that we ought to keep everything to ourselves.
Or we too might have to repeat with our patient
oa ea Eat aqs f1aS pssa ny ns
Hip pocfates apd B1y ere VAS az ysri NiS. Of
come from the study Of some ancient authors.
We might learn anyhow to avoid the rocks nnon
which some OF the old barks had split. Yes. said
The aead # the faculty. it is NOT diseases that
thing ct the awkward practice OF some Of the root
9octors IN treating the case of Socrates to whom
they administered dose of hemlock that made
him sick unto death. We concluded at last That |
Culle4's materia medica, emitting the mlaeraIs.
would be our best guide. Taking up Cullen then
we found that he rejected nine hundred ana nine
ty-nile out OF q thousand vegetable remedies
and did not even recommend the other one, You
see here. observed the head of the faculty, what
we can learn from our predecessors There now
by empyrics. and Just suppose that these exper-
ments had to be made over again! Taking I'M
our own catalogue OF yards, that nobody else but
ourselves had ever heard of, we adopted the aafc !
plan and rejected them ALL Here then was a ii
lemma and aquandary. This is all detailed to
sf9W nov e9Hseientiogs we have been, and how
careful Xitlai net to jeonardize the life of our pa
lent, H2ye Ws then 70 giye qp the roots too
his fatee At this point the faculty found them.
selves absorbed in profound meditation The
head Of the faculty. who if anybody did knew
what was the wattep, and if anybody could would
ind remedy, all at once olapped his hand 10 his 1
forehead and with stamp Of his No. H. Shouted
1ut III the words of Archimedes, Eureka liye
'ound it,! The root OF all evil-the roof of All
evil. that's the yar6, and that's the remedy We
now began to breathe more freely. A good dose t.
If that, with his prediSnOsitjons and his ;1iosTno