The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1877-04-07
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
Boston Advertiser :-ssOde to a washerwoman
$50"
a female justice of the peace in Wyoming
recently fined her husband for drunkenness.
little boys first pair of trowsers always
fit If the pockets are deep enough.
"Do you like Goldfish balls, Mr.. Wiggins?"
4" really don't know. | don't recollect at
tending one"
"WMrrR!'' 'Ycs. sir" What's this?'' t" It's
bean-soup, sir" g No matter what it has been.
The question is What is it now?"
Last New Years man, in his twenty-ffth
call, spoke with some haste and nervousness of
CrossingtOn washing the Delaware.
One of the sable orafers of old Virginia made
q good point when he said, 90 De oyster got mo-
sense dan some folks, cause he know when to
keep his mouf shet.'
sis your master up?" asked an early visitor
of a nobleman's valet 90 Yes, sir, replied the
valet, with great innocence; sc the butler and L
carried him up about 3 o'clock"
A woman who applied for a situation as cab
driver, being asked if she could manage mules,
scornfuIly replied "Of course 1 can-I've had
two husbands
Gossip says George Eliot, sis sort of
smoke that comes from the dirty tobacco-pipes
of those who difuse it it proves nothing but
the bad taste OF the smoker.
clergyman in Northern Indiana ascended
the pulpit the other Sunday and said g No man
can serve the Lord while he has the jumping
toothache. l therefore dismiss the congrega-
ton"
SCENE IN THE GRAND JURY.-Foreman: 1" Gen
tlemen it is not necessary to administer the oath
of secrecy to this witness, as he is member OF
the press, and nobody would believe anything he
might diyulge, anyhow. San Antonio Herald
Forty millions of free people, dedicated from
infancy to adoration of the palladium OF their
liberties, will some time or other hop-over upon
the inventor of " bull-dosing'' and smash him
down, down, down into the night of eyerlast-
ing nOthingness
aPAScA VERBA ''-Seene-Canadian shanty
American (at the door,: Ye amt nary one
seen nv dog? He were an all fred critter at a
bar, and I'll miss him - Voice Cfrom the bunk):
Seed bar and dog-they were runnin-dog
were little ahead o the bar E'-Punch
"Do you reside in this city?" asked
snasked man of a masked lady at masquerade
party the other evening. He felt sick when she
said to him in low voice, ' Don't be a fool,
John; / know you by that wart on your
thumb" 1t was his wife.
The Rochester Democrat indulges in the fol-
lowing reminiscence '' j wish L were you
about two hours,'' she said with great tender
ness s'And why, my dear?'' he asked, with
towing afieetiouately with his watch-chain, - be-
cause, then L would buy my wife a new set
of furs.''
Dialogue between two Lowland Scotchmen, a
farmer and n tradesrnan. The farmer takes up
fabric, and the following questions and answers
ensue ''Oo?'' Ay, co." " Ay, ah oo?"
Az ae oo?'' - Ay, ah ae 90 That is
Wool?'' - Yes, wool" 90 All wool?, Yes,
all wool" Is All one wool?"t Yes, all one
wool"
An q able seamen'' from Argamurchan was at
the tiller of his sloop night shortly after the
introduction of colored signal lights on ships
a steamer was approaching, and Archy saw the
green and red lights for the first time at sea.
lie astonished his shipmates by. yelling out
az Hard a-port. We're gaun RIGHT intea the
'pothecary's shop at Gourock!
Some boys amused the whole neighbOrhood
the other afternoon They placed together
number OF old newspapers and ran string
through them. When lady came along one
boy would walk behind her for short distance,
let the papers fall, pick them up, after the
woman, and holding them up, tell her she
dropped her bustle OF course they all denied
II. but was noticeable how their hands inyol-
unfairly went behind to-pun down their
sacques.
There is a story told of two Scotch lads who
knew little of gunnery and natural history but
were familiar with King James Bible and with
the winged heads that pass for cherubs In paint
ing and sculpture. Going out a-gunning togeth-
er one of them shot bird and the other ran to
secure the trophy. Coming near where 1t had ial-
Zen, he found white owl SO sprawled IN the
grass as to present to his view only head with
staring eyes and pair of wings attached. In
stantIy he shouted in dsmay: '' We're IN for
it now, Jock we've shot cherubim.' t
The SOBER SECOND THoUGHT.-SOme persons
cannot stand prosperity. y little money makes
them extravaganf- To such, this incident may
teach the restraint that there is in sober second
thought:
A farmer entered GrisSold street restaurant,
after selling his wool, and ordered chicken,
turkey. oysters, birds, wine, &c. After the
departure of the waiter, the bill of fare was
again consulted, funds looked over, and he real
lied that luxuries cost money. In another
minute he pounded the table, and called out,
- want to see that water,'' The waiter en-
tered. and the farmer continued, 90 You hold on
n little You scratch out that other order, and
bring me in some meat, and 'taters, and bread
I've sold my wool, as l said before; but just
happened to think that the corn crop may bust
an me and Whered quail on toast be them