The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1877-09-06
PASSING SMILES.

OI OtnerS, ana due unto our own from
all whom malice hath not made mute or
envy hath struck dumb.
A YOUNG lady engaged to be married,
and getting sick of her bargain, applied
to friend to help her unite the knot
before it was too late. go certainly"
he replied; "it's very easy to unite it
now, while it's beau knot"
WHEN," asks an exchange, "does a
boy really begin to realize the stern real
titles of lifeT' Why, when he finds him
self upa tree in a melon patch, with the
farmers faithful bulldog mounting
guard at his base, and the farmer Just
heaving in sight with shotgun. That's
when.
SURE RESULT.
GIVEN, a wide, old country place,
With vines and porches plenty;
YOUTH with sentimental face,
And maiden under twenty.
Given, the idle, lingering days
OF the sweet midsummer weather.;
The two in search of shady ways,
"By chance " are thrown together.
Behold, outlying every bloom
Up springs the Eden howeri
Whose leaves may hold life's perfume
Or wither in an hour.
Detroit Free Press.
A WOMAN was latey charged with try
ing to poison her husband. The unfor-
tunate man was in the witness box.
Suddenly his wife exclaimed: "Your
Honor, all that has been said till now is
mere invention. You can not sentence
me without proof. l demand an au-
topsy."
"SoAK," is the only Japanese equiva-
lent of "baptize," and the Japanese
Pi1la raoIc 20
religious paper, the Alliance, In those
days came John, the soaker, preaching
in the wilderness, saying, Repent and
be soaked, every one of YOU"
New YORK Graphic: Ingenuity is
rapidly creeping over the South. An
artificial frogs'-leg factory has been
started at Memphis. Mutton is the
base. Thus is the once PROSTATE land
of the Magnolia arising like a giant to
take her place among the industrial
leaders of the earth.
BURLINGTON Hawkeye: We still hear
occasionally of the tender, passionate,
worshiping lover, who lies in ambush
for the idol of his hearts affections, and
cuts her head off with hatchet because
she will not marry him. 1t is getting
to be safer for a girl to shoot man
when he proposes than to reject him.
And that possibility makes it very un-
pleasant for the man when he asks"
SAID a Poughkeepsie alderman to a
Kingston alderman after a Centennial in
PRODUCTION: Where's Hall?" "What
Hall?'' said the Kingston alderman.
Alcohol" replied Poughpeepsie.
"Oh," said Kingston, "he's with John"
What John?' said Poughkeepsie.
"Demijohn," said Kingston, and then
both crawled into the hold of canal
boat and died.
A CURATE, at the close of a sermon,
once said to his flock, Brethren, 1 give
you notice that, to avoid confusion, l
shall during the week confess liars on
Monday, the covetous on Tuesday,
slanderers on Wednesday, thieves on
Thursday, ibertines on Friday, and
the demi-monde on Saturday." He went
down to the beach that week and lis
tened to what the wild waves were
saying, for he knew none of his peni-
tents would tell him anything.
THE Rev. DIR. McCosh, of Princeton
College, tells a story of a negro who
prayed earnestly that he and his colored
brethren might be preserved from their
"upsettin' SINS" "Brudder," said one
of his friends at the close of the meeting,
you amt got de hang OBJ dat ar word.
It's besettin', not upsettin'." Brud-
DER" replied the other, "if dats so it's
so. But I was prayin' de Lord to save
us from de sin OBJ 'toxication, an eff dat
amt an upsettin' sin l dunno whatam."
LAURENT JAN, Partisan of some
prominence, who died recently, was one
L, L -, e y.
wit and brilliancy of a certain dramatic
quarrel, and to whom he did not even
speak: /" If you admire him so much,"
said a bystander, how is it that you
YOU meet?' "That is a different mat
ter" responded Laurent Jan, al am ex-
tremely fond of ham, yet / never associ-
ate with pigs"
BURLINGTON Hdwkeye: Mr.. Darwin
is now engaged in the study of the
"Baby," and has profound article on
that subject in the July number of an
English quarterly. When Mr.. Darwin,
in his researches and investigations, dis
covers anything that will evolve the
collie out of four-month old baby any
quicker than a twelve-mile promenade
| IN tOurteen-f0Ot room, Will ne kindly
address this office? 1t doesn't do bit
of good to sing or declaim " Hootchie,
pootchie, pudden and pie" Mr.. Darwin;
we've tried that.
DID you ever watch a dear little baby
waking from its morning nap? 1t is one
of the prettiest sights in the world-Er-
change. o, yes; we've watched 'em.
And we don't think it is very pretty
sight, either always. In nine cases
out of ten the " dear little baby" wakes
up with its mouth split open from ear to
ear and yell issuing therefrom half a
mile in length and of nearly the same
dimensions in breadth, and almost as
deafening as the centennial steam fog
whistle. Don't loaf around to watch a
dear little baby waking up from nap.
-NorristoUn Herald
II