The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1877-11-22

PASSING SMILES.


were TO have nave in the church, an
old lady whispered that she knew the
party to whom he referred.
DANBURY Neacs: Now that Semmes
is dead, the great American Editor
comes out from behind the barn, and
mentions that he was bow-legged.
A VIRGINIA sheriff asked a murderer
if he wanted to make speech on the
gallows, and he replied, "Guess not; it
looks like rain, and l don't want to get
wet. Go on with the hanging"
The Breakfast Table is the new can
didate for humorous honors in Cincin-
natl. 1t is full of wit, and Porkopolis
now claims that she has witty journal
that is not excelled by any of them.
Mr.. SMITH, who has to lug scuttle
of coal upstairs three times day, reads
with prospective joy the announcement
that the coal-fields of the world will be
exhausted in two thousand years.
"IN the swee-heat
By-high-an-'-by-high,
We shall me-heat on that
Beau-hoo-ty-foo show -her2"
WHILE growing at her husband last
summer, New York woman was struck
by lightning and instantly killed. Ii
you wish your wife to see this para
graph, cut it out and paste it on the
looking-glass.
"WHERE's your master, Pompey?''
said an angry creditor, the other day, to
a black servant of an intemperate
debtor?'' "Up-stairs, sab" "Getting
drunk, 1 suPPose?' No, sab; he be
getting SOBER"
MASTER JAKEY (inquiringly)-"Why
don't baby eat buns, aunty?' Aunt
Singleton" Because she has no teeth,
dear" Master Jakey (audibly)-"T Then
why can't you lend her yours, aunty?
You amt always using 'em."
NEVER put false construction on a
mans words; it is a sort of treachery.
A sentence may sometimes be twisted in
many ways, and to accuse a man of say
ing what he never intended to say is a
mean way of taking advantage.
ABOUT twenty miles from the city of
New York, on the Jersey side, you find
this practical advice craven on the
tombstone of an early Dutch settler:
You'd better go home and dry your tears,
THE minister was telling the story of
Mary Magdalene to the children, and,
when he had finished, he wished to as
certain if they had been listening atten-
LIVELY SO uc dSk6u, NON,
what did Mary have?" Billy Green
yelled out, Mary had little lamb"
WIFE" Well, Jones, judging from
your breath, can't really tell whether
you have been drinking whisky, or
whether you have been swimming in il"
Husband (reproachfully) =" Hannah,
don't you-hic-lov me enough to gim-
-hic-the benefit of the doubt%'
ALLOWING the performance of an hon
orable action to be attended with labor,
the labor is soon over, but the honor is
immortal; whereas, should even pleas
| ure wait on the commission of what is
| dishonorable, the pleasure is soon gone,
but the dishonor is eternal-.j0hn iStetC-
art.
CHILDREN" said the teacher, adj
| dressing the infant class, children, do
you know you were all born in sin ?'
"Please, SIR" interrupted a little one,
al wasn't; / was born in New Orleans"
"Well, that's the same thing" said
the teacher, impatiently.si g Don't in
terrupt me any more" ;
THERE are queer hooks and corners yet
left in Old England A visitor to a
country parson tells how, when he ac-
companied him lately to take the duty
in remote parish, the sexton said:
Perhaps your reverence won't mind
preaching from the chancel, for we've
got duck sittin' in the pulpit" ."
THE best story that has been told on
the stump in the campaign is that of the
man who, having lost his wife, was asked
to ride to the grave with his mother-in-
law. He objected at first, but allowed
himself to be persuaded, adding, how
ever, 1 want you to understand that it
robs this occasion of all pleasure for
me-"
"THAT is a rare painting" remarked
professed connoisseur to withered old
gentleman who was looking obviously at
half-acre of canvas which covered the
wall of the exhibition. "Ah" was all
the latter remarked. " said that was
a rare painting" eyes, yes. see, rare
NOT well done; yes, quite true" re-
marked the other as he imped off.
"The Lord will provide" is an excel
lent motto, but THE Lord helps those
who help themselves" is equally as
good. The patriot who sits all day in
the sun on a dry-goods box before the
village store, whiting, and talking
bout last lection, though he have all
the faith in the world, mustn't expect to
go home to supper and find quail and
buttered toast waiting for him when he
| gets there.
THE intention of the old deacon was
good, but the way in which he worded
! his notice was infelicitous. He said:
Any members of this congregation who
have left off wearing apparel are re-
quested to contribute the same for the
benefit of the poor" A quiet smile per-
vaded the house, and the people con-
cluded that it would be hardly the proper
thing to leave off wearing apparel in
| obi11v Novophar rit1-a