The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1877-12-06
Judge Burkins in a Tight Place.
ICincinnati Breakfast Tablo.I

lC1nclunau Dreahldos 1ooio.I |
Judge Burkins, of Posey County, came
to town the other day on professional
business and stopped at the new Hotel
Emery, the door-locks of which are
equipped with a patent burglar-proof
catch as hard to understand as a woman.
The Judge is one of the biggest law
yers in his corner of the State. In fact,
he's so big he couldn't crawl through a
barrel personally, but in legal and tech
nical matters can squeeze through as
small a crack as any of his colleagues.
In the evening he was holding consulta-
tions with a select few of his legal
brethren until a late hour, and when he
left them was SO absorbed in the theme
discussed that he couldn't walk straight.
We might as well say that the theme
aforesaid had to be opened with a cork
screw, and the Judge engrossed about
all of the topic he could stand up
under. But maybe you never heard it
expressed exactly in that way before,
and to prevent misunderstanding, per-
haps we'd better drop a little hint. The
Judge had been looking upon the wine
in all colors till he couldn't tell beer
from Blackstone. He wasn't tight; no,
no; don't think it. He was just at that
point where a man would take it as a
special kindness if you would tell him
a medium-sized river was flowing
through his ears; right there, you know,
where he couldn't remember anything,
not even the ten dollars you had bor-
rowed of him.
When the Judge got into his room,
that safety catch looked as simple to his
befuddled intellect as two-thirds of the
original poetry in our waste basket, but
when he got up in the morning with a
head on him bigger than an opera bou-
quet, and found that he had drank up
all the water in the wash-pitcher during
the night, that lock became more full of
difficult kinks than the most complicated
case at law he ever got tangled up in.
He reasoned and persuaded and argued
with it until there wasn't skin enough
left on his knuckles to look at without
making the eyes watery, and then he sat
down on his trunk and talked in a man.
ner that made the plastering fall. But
his thirst was pulling at him like a boy
taking home a new dog, and he fancied
that if he did not soon get to the n.y.
drant his interior department would
catch fire and burn him up. Something
had got to be done pretty shortly, or his
head would become so heavy his neck
would break.
All! why didn't he think of it before
There was the transom-of generous
proportions, too-but then, so was he.
A perfectly clear intellect would have
seen at a glance that it couldn't be done,
but his mind wasn't exactly clear yet
and he yearned SO ardently for water
that as soon as the loop-hole of escape
dawned upon his mind he didn't stop t.
measure it, but rolled the bureau up tx
the door, and at once commenced tt
climb for life and liberty. As soon a.
he got his head through the tramsom
whatever misgivings he may have hae
vanished, but he slipped up on it. Hi
head didn't turn out to be bigger thai
his whole body, as he verify believed
and the result was that presently b,
knew to a certainty right where he was
He was stuck so fast in that aperture h,
couldn't bulge one way or the other
He couldn't get out, nor crawl back int
the ROOM. He kicked around with hi
feet, banged the looking-glass on tn
bureau all to smash, and giving tn
frame a,push, earnest and emphatic, sen
the bureau scooting into the middle o
the floor, where it got discouraged ant
reclined on its side.
Didn't he yell? Well, some. A nois
started from his mouth and went al
over the hotel, out through the Arcade
and into the street, soaring a woman s
badly that she dropped a basket Q
eggs, and making an old man think tn
gathering" in his ears had resume
business again. Seven walters rushe
up stairs without being told to go, an
the first one on the ground was scare
till his clothes shrunk up, and he we1
down stairs and told the boss that
man cut in tive in the middle was foa-
+ ing all around the corridors close to th
ceiling, splitting fire and belching smok'
; 1t required several minutes to come
!, the exact state of the case, and then a
, the best brains of the establishmer
had to work hard for a long while
get the upper hand of the ernergenc.
But at length, by the aid of two clothe
lines and three emetics the Judge W.
restored to society with more ore bon,
: than he ever knew he possessed, and
preoccupied in thought that he had 70
t gotten all about his head and thirst.
Some mighty plain-spoken diagram
t had better be posted up beside tho
safety catches right away.