Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1877-09-14
FU n !!

Flu N.
THERE WAS A SPIDER ON HIS HEAD.
Old Mr.. Collamore is very deaf. The
other Sunday in the midst OF the services,
Mr.. Hoff, who sits Immediately behind
Mr.. Collamore, saw spider travelling over
the latter's bald head. His first impulse
was to nudge him and tell him all about it.
but he remembered that Mr.. COllamore
was deaf, SO he lifted up his hand and
brushed the spider off. Hoff didn't aim
quite high enough, and consequently, in
his nervousness, he hit old Collamore quite
a severe blow. The old gentleman turned
around in rage to see who dared to take
such liberty with him, and Hoff began
to explain, with gestures, the cause OF the
occurrence. But Collamore, in loud
voice, demanded what it meant. 1t was
very painful to Hoff. The eyes of the con-
gregation were upon him, and he grew red
in the face. ga white place on my head,
eh? S'pose there is, what's that to you ?"
said Collamore you'll know what it is to
be bald-headed yourself some day. '1t was
spider,' shrieked Hoff, while the congre-
cation smiled and the perspiration began
to roll off his face. ''Certainly it's wider, !"
said Collamore. ''and got more in it than
yours. But let alone do you mind? You
may let my head alone in church." ''Mr.
Collamore,'' shrieked Hoff, there was a
bug on your head, and brushed it off
this way" and Hoff made another gesture
at Collamore's head. The old man thought
he was going to fight then and there, and,
hurting hymn-book at Hoff, he seized
the kneeling stool on the floor of the pew,
and was about to bang Mr.. Hoff wher the
sexton intefered. An explanation Was
written on the fy-leaf of the hymn-book)
whereupon Mr. Collamore apologiZed in a
boisterous voice, and resumed his seat
Then the services proceeded. They think
Of asking Mr.. Collamore to worship else
where.
s'Where was John Rogers burned to
death ?" asked a Sunday School teacher.
"Joshua knows" replied a little girl at the
foot of the class. ''Well," said the teach
er, ''If Joshua knows, he may tell" SIN
the fire. replied Joshua, looking very
grave and wise.
Here lies John Shaw,
Attorney-at-Law;
And when he died,
The devil cried,
''Give US your paw.
John Shaw,
Attorney-at-Law."
''Yon politicians are queer people," and
an old business man to an impecunious
partisan. "How SO ?" asked the politician.
''Why. because you trouble yourselves more
about the payment of the debt OF the State
than you do about your own"
Half the fools in the United States think
they can beat the doctors curing the sick !:
two-thirds Of them are sure they can beat
the ministers preaching the COS pei, and all
of them know they can beat the editors
running the papers.
Josh Billings says: ''Paupers suffer less
than mixers do; the man who don't kno
where he sgoing to git biz next dinner. sui
ers less than the one who is anxious to kno
how much it is going to kost him.
The married Women's association pro-
poses to erect statue in honor of the hus-
band who empties the water out of the ba-
sin after he washes his hands. But the
association has not found him yet.
A minister who had twice married the
same couple-a divorce occurring between
the two marriages that he
didn't wish to add repairing department.
to his business.
Is is the duty of gallant man always to
pretend to believe everything woman
says, out of respect to her and never to
believe any she says, out of respect to him.
SELF
One end of the needle is just as sharp as
the other-to the man that tries to attach a
suspender button to his breeches.
Almost any young lady is public spirit
ed enough to have her fathers house used
as court house.
A dog Oh shipboard is thought good
omen. He can be used for mast-M neces-
sary.
A boy read that "the good die young"
and is now going 70 be bad for self protec-
ton.
Celery is good for the nerves-but in these
times salery is better.
Cool, but not always collected: an ice
bill.
The music of the future-sixty days
notes.