Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1877-10-04
HunlOr,

has taken Il house there.
Judge Ito young vagabond) You
never work? Prisoner-Yes, sir. Judge
What work? Prisoner-I help my
mother. Judge-What does she do?
Prisoner-Does nothing.
In making love to widow the influ-
ence of moonlight is not so apparent in
bringing about the contamination as
the statement that you don't care to
put on a clean shirt more than once a
week.-PALadeLphia Herald. fa
A writer says that when a swimmer
gets the cramp he should turn his toes
toward the knee. Another good way is
to turn your toes toward the middle of
the pond, and paw for the nearest dry
land
cit was simply an informal affair.""
wrote the editor of little strawberry
party at neighbor's house. at was
simply an internal affair" read the
compOsitor, and that editor will never
get any more invitations from that
I quarter.
There are twelve female postmasters
In Schuylkill county, Pa, and the postal
cards that are received in that section
come to the consignee thumb-marked
and dogs cared, like boys first reader
at the end of the term.
Mrs. Mills was asked the other day
how she managed to get along so nicely
with Mr. Mills. and frankly replied:
sob, [ feed him we'll When a woman
marries, Ter happiness for while de-
ponds upon the state Of her husbands
heart; after that it's pretty much ac-
cOrding to the state of the stomach"
How dreadful is this defiance of
law and robbery of innocent peopleW
said, with a sigh of Indignation. the
director of an exploded savings bank
as heread of band of western railroad
robbers having stopped a train and
plundered the passengers.-Ne'C York
/ World.
Says Thomas: Harry can you tell
How lawyers do, to dress 50 welI?''
Says barry Yes. you may rely ont,
/ To get suit, they'll strip a client
| Says Edward, : NO they closer nip him
They first obtain the suit then strip him."
| An old-fashioned minister was preach
ing in a tight, unventilated church in
which by some means a window was
left partly open. A good deacon during
the sermon closed it. The minister
| stopped, and turning to the deacon said
in solemn tones: "lf | were preaching
in jug, | believe you would put the
cork in"
A person who was looking at a house
the other day said he couldn't afford to
pay such rent. "Well, look at the
neighbolhood," replied the woman.
You can borrow fat-irons next door,
coffee and tea across the street, flour
and sugar on the corner, and there's a
big pile of wood belonging to the school
house right across the alley"
A man picked up n purse in the
street, and advertised the fact In ten
days he was visited by sixty-one men,
women, boys, and girls, all claiming to
! have lost money. The sum was but
81, but OF each visitor who called the
finder asked: q So you lost $50 did your"
Nine-tenths of the applicants promptly
replied, " Yes, sir" "Ah," said he,
''yours was another purse"
| In Chambersburg, ILL.,, they fine
man ten dollars fof splitting tobacco on
the floor of church, and the rigid en-
| foIcement Of this law has driven nearly
all the male church N embers TO the in
convenient necessity of raising one end
Of the cushion and splitting on the seat.
/ -HdoCkege.
After careful inquiry among a num-
/ Der of church-going friends in different
parts of the metropolis, Mayfair finds
that no less than seventeen clergymen
laid the emphasis on the last word in
the 9th verse Of the thirteenth chapter
of the first book of Kings: 4" And he
I 10
me the ass, and they saddled him"
Culture for the working classes: Phil
anthropic employer (who has paid his
worApeople's expenses to a neighboring
fine art exhibition.-Well, Johnson,
what did you think Of it, Pick up an
idea or two? Foreman-Wel, yer see,
sir, it was this way: When us 60
/ there, we was a cOnsiderin' what was
best to be done, so we appointed dep
pertation O three on us to see what it
were like an when they come out an
said it were only picturs an such, We
thought it a pity to spend our shillins
on 'em. So we went to the tea-gardens,
and very pleasant it were too. Thank
yer kindly, sir-Punch.
Mr.. Watterson to the President
Hello, Rutherford! Howdy? Tickled
to death to see you Come in and take
drink" The President TO Mr.. Wat
terson.-'' Thank you Don't care if
do" Sudden and unexpected presence
of Mrs. Hayes. My dear" says Mrs.
Hayes, you do not forget our engage
ment at this precise moment? Mr..
Watterson will excuse you, am sure"
Exit the Hayses. Remark in whisper
=" Rutherford didn't | tell you to
keep out of such companies Mr.. Wat
terson to himself HIM It's pretty
evident this man will never be Demo
GRAFT Idoubt ifhe gets glass of whisky
during his whole term"