Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1877-10-09
8 TR x e r. 9

DelTOlt TTGS fTGSS. CaIluS the VII
ginia bell-punch a barometer doesn't
who is splitting cotton.
When a man is treating dashing
widow to ice cream, and sees his wife
coming into the restaurant, about all
he can do is to button his coat, hang to
chair, and trust to Providence.
She saw the placard in front OF the
bookstore. "You can get "That Hus-
band of Nine for half dollar" and, as
she passed on, she muttered, II have
one will sell for half that much"
A Superior City saloon keeper has
named his resort Nowhere" so that
when men go home late at night, and
their wives want to know where they
have been, they can safely tell the
truth.
A wit being told that an old acquain-
lance was married, exclaimed, "I'm
glad to hear it," But rejecting a mo-
ment, he added, in tone of compassion
and forgiveness, "And yet don't know
why I should be; he never did me any
harm"
Nor THAT WAY.-Seated on the ex-
IRENE end of narrow bench in the Cen
trail market, yesterday, was a boy who
seemed to have made up his mind that
life was sham and happiness myth
He was solemnly and intently gazing at
collection of four cabbages, six bets,
a peck of onions and three cuctlmbers,
when along came young man and
asked:
"What ails your"
'Struck J" was the solemn answer.
"Have, Ell? How'd you come out ?"
II was working for dad at fifty cents
a day." sadly explained the boy on the
bench. II was the only hand, and I
thought if I struck for o dollar day
he'dhave to shut up shop and be busted
or come to my terms.n
"And did it turn oct that way p"
queried the other.
mot quite. The old man didn't seem
q bit terror-stricken, but he bounced me
through window and hired another
boy to do myswork at three shillings a
dayg' o.,
"Wel1, s'pose I'll have to 60 around
telling the boys that capital has ground
me into the dust" was the fearful re-
ply.-Detroat Free Press.
AN MINATED PAIR-"Come, now,
Sarah, take your husbands band and
promise me that you will go straight
home with him and be loving wife to
him in future" said Justice Duffy, at
the Tombs Police Court, in his most
winning tone, to well dressed young
woman who stood at the bar nervously
patting her foot on the floor, her lips
tightly compressed and her eyes looking
daggers at q man by her side. She had
been married only six months, but that
short period, according to their joint
testimony, represented ages Of unhappi-
ness to each.
According to the man his wife rivalled
Xantippe in fierceness, while the wo-
mans statement painted her husband
as black as the arch fiend himself.
"What! live with him, Judge" said
the young woman, in reply to the mag
istrate's kindly motives; sno, indeed :;
ask me to jump off the East River
Bridge, and I'll do it; but don't ask me
to live with that caricature of man."
'Never, fear, my sweet pet" said the
husband, ironically; IT won't go insane
over it. I'ssl try to keep my health. 1t
may have little demoralizing effect on
me not to hear your dear little tongue
wagging, wagging, wagging, from
morning until night, and may miss
the daily exercise of frying pans flying
at my head but on the whole I think
I'll be able to manage life without you"
The magistrate gave up in despair his
efforts at reconciliation, and the pair
left the court room.-N. Y. Herald.
A MULES WONDERFUL IICKERY.-'
Speaking about mules" remarked a
six-footer in Arkansas, as he cracked
his whip at market, "rve got mule at
home which knows as much as [ do,
and want to hear somebody say [ am
half fool" No one said so, and he
went on: 1--WE stood around here and
heard men blow about kicking mules
till I've got Disguised. When you come
down to kicking, l want to bet On my
mule. A friend came along and took
dinner with me the other day, and as he
seemed little down-hearted, took
him out to see Thomas Jefferson, my
exemption mule. / was telling the good
InAn how that mule would flop his feet
4 ound, and he said be would like to see
u .ittle fun. He's passed his whole life
- the South, but had never seen a mule
by his whole soul into a big time kick
i-g. "Well," he said, after borrowing
s''ile tobacco, II took Thomas out of the
Stable, backed him up agin a bill, gin
him cuff on the ear, and we stood back
~ zee the amusement. It was good
+ ce to kick his durndest, and what
Il We 'spcse he did? In ten minutes he
was out of sight. In five more we
couldn't feel him with a twelve foot
pie, and-and-" The crowd began to
vi and sheer, and the narrator looked
around and asked: "Does anybody
t''iak I'm lying? Would [ lie for one
IN lie? Right here under my arm is
pound of tallow candles which are to |
I9ht the hole for to go in after
Il onas; and got word not an hour
:i.s that the hind feet of mule were
s:.:king out of a hill thirty nine miles
~ she bird flies from where nv mule
w"nt in. I'm shaky on religion, gen
tlanen, but our family never had a liar
in it.n