The new Northwest. [volume] (Portland, Or.) 1871-1887, 1877-05-04
AN IMPORrANT pIsOoyERY.

To THE EDITOR OF THE NEW NORTHWEST:
Why the sage Chinese have from the
remotest antiquity so scrupulously pre-
served the unseemly and cumbersome
queue as part of themselves, is q ques-
tion with which / had wrestled until
quite recently, although in vain. Butt
am happy to say that not more success
fully did the immortal Newton follow
up the phenomenon of the falling apple
to the full elucidation of the universal
law of gravitation than I pursued as
common an occurrence to satisfactory
solution of the weighty queue question.
And, Mrs. Editor, being believer in
the theory that a candle loses none of its |
etulgence by causing others to shine, |
think it but right to allow my newly |
acquired knowledge to shine forth and |
illuminate the pathway of any of your
readers who may be yet cropping in the
horrid gloom from which have so for
tunately emerged.
Passing along a back street few days
since, my ears were saluted bya ravish-
ing succession of those inimitable ca
dences that characterize the language of
COnfucius, and which are so soothing to
ears attuned to harmony, and when,
like charmed bird, drew near the
spot whence those celestial sounds en-
anated, judge of my satisfaction on dis
covering brace of moon-eyed Mongo-
lians earnestly discussing the Southern
question. They displayed even more
earnestness than a self-sacriicing poll
tician generally does when defending
himself against his united fellow-citi-
zens who heartlessly threaten to thrust
| the honors and emOIuments of fat Of
flee upon him. They launched their
euphonious thunderbolts at each other
with the vigor and musical precision of
the bass drummer in an average Port
land brass band parade, and could but
regret that my education had been so
sadly neglected that 1 was unable to
fully appreciate the transcendsnt beau
ties of their diction or to properly weigh
their arguments; but could readily un-
derstand that while one was bravely
championing the Hayes policy, the
other was using a whole dictionary of
phiLippicS in wading into the same.
Indeed, as l attentively listened to his
impassioned address, could but wish
that Wendell and old Ben were present,
for then they would have had the con-
ISOLATION to have discovered that they
were not entirely alone in opposing
President Hayes experiments" in the
South. But the question was too grave
a one to be settled from the rostrum,
and the disputants appealed to the ar
bitration of the"-queue.
Behold them, then, marshalling fol
the desperate conflict They stand fol
moment menacing each other with
, heads turned to one side like ducks lis
tening to thunder, when, defiantly un
furling their graceful topknots to tn,
oreeze, they Ego for" each other will
! the spirit of white men trained to tn,
ennobling exercises of the prize ring.
, ana they scratched and they spit,
And they squalled aud they Bit"
Until the more active one made sue
eessful grab at his antagonists queue
when two or three vigorous "yanks'
. ELECTED pitiful cries for quarter.
a "What consummate fools to uncove
their most vulnerable point in the hou
9 of BATTLE" 1 said to very intelligent
, looking Celestial at my side.
. "Ah, you no sabee," he said. "S'pos
one Chinaman makee fightee all same
= Melican man, no have him tailee, al
. good Cinnamon velly much kill him
all same dogee."
And all at once the truth flashed upo
Il my erewhile benighted mind that it is
a matter of honor with them to eultivat
b. an ample queue, and to fling it to tn
g breeze on the eve of battle, so that eae
4 will share an equal chance of 6ein
4 whipped! And the designing job
who denudes himself of this badge {
; honor, is thenceforth very properly cor
sidered a dangerous personage-a publ
= enemy-and all the resources of tn
Empire are speedily invoked to hur
% him down and "exterminate" hin
" Nor do deny the wisdom of this policy
i for 1 verify believe that one queueles
warrior could chase a thousand VIII
sport that appendage, and that tn
. would put ten thousand to flight.
RETSOF.
i Portland, April 80, 1877.