The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1877-03-07
"THE MORNING ARGUS"
Obituary Department
MAX ADELER.
from last week


family with the resources of my art ;
and 1 certainly thought that idea
about the monkey would have that
effect. somehow. Bangs is migrate
ful p
just then there was a knock at
the door, and woman entered, cry
ing.
Are you the editor?' she inquir-
ed of Colonel Bangs.
Bangs said he was.
W-w-well! !" she said in a voice
broken by sobs, "wh-what d'you
mean by publishing this kind OF poe
try about m-my child? M-my name
is SIN Smith and wh-when l looked
this m.morning for the notice Of
Johnny's d-death in your paper, l
saw this scandalous verse
4. Four doctors tackled Johnny smith
They bIistered and they bIed him;
With squills and anti-bilious pills
And ipecac, they fed him.
They stirred him up with eaIonel,
And tried to move his liver;
But all in vain-his little soul,
Was waited DER The River.
ITS false! false! and mean
johnny only had one doctor. And
they d-didn't bl-bleed him and b-blis-
ter him. It's a wicked falsehood.
and you're a hard-hearted brute
f-f-for printing itr' 3d..
Madam, l shall 90 crazy = ex-
claimed Bangs. This is not my
work. 1t is the work of a villain
whom I will slay with my own hand
as soon as he comes in. Madam,
the miserable outcast shall die -
Strange strange - said Slim
mer. And this man told me to
combine elevating sentiment with
practical information. If the infor-
nation concerning the squills and
ipecac, is not practical, have mis-
understood the use of that word.
And if young Smith didn't have four
doctors, it was an outrage. He
ought to have had them. and they
ought to have excited his liver.
Thus it is that human life is sacri-
feed to carelessness."
At this juncture the sheriff enter
ed, his brow clothed with thunder.
He had copy of The Morning A,'-
gus in his hand. He approached the
editor, and pointing to a death-no-
tice. said:
Read that outrageous burlesque,
and tell me the name of the writer,
SO that | can chastise him.
The editor read as follows:
We have lost our little Hammer in very painful
And we often asked, How can h'r harsh suffer-
When her death was, first reported, her aunt got
up and suoTted
With the grief that she supported, for it made
She was such little seraph that her father, who
IS sheriff,
Really doesn't seem to care if he ne'er smiles in
life again.
She has gone, we hope, to heaven at the early ago
(FuneraI starts off at eIeven), where sheW never
more have pain"
AS a consequence of this l with
draw all the county advertising from
your paper. A man who could tri-
fe in this manner with the feelings
of parent is a savage and q scoun-
dreI!''
As the sheriff went out, Colonel
Bangs placed his head upon the ta-
Bile and groaned.
Really" Mr.. Simmer said, that
person must be deranged. 1 tried,
in his case, TO put myself in his
place, and to write as if ! was one
of the family, according TO iustruc.
tions- The verses are beautiful. =
That alIusion to the grief of her
aunt, particularly, seemed to me TO
Oe very happy. 1t expresses vio-
lent emotion with a felicitous CON-
bination of sweetness and force =
These people have no soul-no ap-
probation of the beautiful in art
While the poet mused. hurried
steps were heard upon the stairs,
and in a moment a middIe-aged man
dashed in abruptly, and seizing the
colonel 3 scattered hair. bumped his
PROSTATE head against the table
three or four times with consider
bile force. Having expended the
violence Of his emotion in his man
ner he held the editors head down
with enc hand. shaking occasional.
ly by way OF emphasis, and with the
other hand seized the paper and
said,
You digracefuI old reprobate
You digusting vampire !! You hoary
headed old ghoul! What DO you
mean by putting such stuff as this
in your paper about my deceased
son What do you mean by print
ing such awful doggerel as this. you
depraved and dissolnte ink-slinger-
you imbecile quill-driver, you!
.oh bury Bothoiomew out in the woods
In beautiful hole in the ground,
Where bumble-bees buzz and the woodpecker sing
And the straddle bugs tumble around;
So that, in winter when the Snow and the slush
Have covered his last little bed,
HIS brother Artemus can go out with Jane
And visit the place with his sled
"PI teach you to talk about strad
die bugs! I'll instruct you about
slush! I'll enlighten your insane
old intellect on the subject of sing
| ing woodpeckers What do gOa
know about Jane and Artemus, you
wretched buccaneer, you despicable
butcher of the English language
| Go out with a sled I'll carry you
out in hearse before I'm done will
you, you deplorable lunatic -
At the end of every phrase The
visitor gave the editors head fresf
knock against the table. When the
exercise was ended, Col. Bangs.ex
! planned and apologized in the hum
bIest manner, promising at the same
time to give his assailant a chance
to fog Mr.. Simmer, who was ex
pected te arrive in few moments
"The treachery of this man,
murmured the poet to the foreman
sis dreadful. Didn't he desire me
TO throw a glamour of poesy owe