Stevens County tribune. (Morris, Minn.) 1877-1880, 1877-09-06
The Hat in Church,

vi all the various eXpedients by which
ingenious church-goers have endeavored
to safely dispose of their hats, there is
not one that has been proved to be falla-
cious. To hold ones hat continually in
sone's lap is practicable only in Quaker
meetings house, where the worshipers re-
main seated during the entire service, and
never use any devotional implements,
such as prayer-books and hymn-books.
No man can successfully balance hat in
one hand and find the epistle for the twen-
ty-second Sunday after Trinity with the
other hand; while to stand up in order to
repeat the creed, or to sing a hymn, with
hat under the left arm, would be the
height of absirdity. The hat, then, must
be laid entirely aside during divine ser
vice, and our churches, being constructed
with exclusive reference to souls instead
OF hats, afford no resting-places for the
latter.
The extreme danger of placing a hat
In the aisle Immediately outside the pew
is universally known. The first lady that
sweeps up the aisle carries with her a con-
Iused mass of defenseless hats, which are
deposited in the shape Of a terminal NOR
alne in front of the pew which is her final
goal. Of course the hats which have been
subject to this process are reduced by at
triton to rounded form and are covered
with scratches, reminding one of the
marks Of glacial action on granite bowl
ders. However interesting they may be
to the geologist, they are of no further
value as hats. and can rarely be bent into
a shape that will allow their owners to
wear them home. Next to the aisle the
pew seat is the most dangerous position,
in which hat can be placed. Statistics
show that out of every 100 hats thus sit
uated sixty are sat upon by their owners,
thlrty-hTe are sat upon by other people,
and only five escape uninjured. 1t is a
curious fact that more men sit down upon
their hats after repeating the creed than
after reading the Psalms or performing
any other perpendicular part of the SER
vice. And another curious fact is the at
traction which hat thus exposed upon a
seat exerts upon fat person. Neither of
these facts has ever been satisfactorily ex-
planned, although they aremAtters of gen
eral notoriety.
A man may enter a remote pew in
strange church and place his hat on a seat
in position where it is impossible for a
fat man to perceive it on entering the
church.. Nevertheless, experience has
shown that in six cases out of ten the sex
ton will show fat man into that precise
pew within ten minutes after the hat is
in position, while other and further fat
men will, from time to time, hover about
the locality, with the evident desire of
ascertaining if the hat is still susceptible
of further smashing. There is clearly a
law of nature at work here which needs
to be definitely formulated, and it is dis
creditable to science that this has not vet
been done.
AS to putting ones hat On the floor
underneath the seat, no one who follows
this reckless course can expect anything
but disaster. If there is small boy in
the pew he will infallibly discover that
hat and kick it to the further end of the
pew within the first thirty minutes of the
service. If there is a lady in the pew a
surgical operation will be required to re-
move her boot from the interior of the
hat; while in any event the hat is certain
to absorb every particle of dust within a
radius of eight feet, and to fasten itself
to the floor with the aid of forgotten
Sunday-school gum-drops. Neither I'M
der the seat, on the seat, nor in the aisle
can the worried hat find rest, and the
plan Of establishing hat-pound in the
vestibule, where hats could be ticketed
and kept during the service, would SIM
ply result in converting church into a
hat exchange, where the sinners would Sc
cure all the good hats and the saints
would be, compelled to content themselves
with worn ont and worthless Ones-ROS
ton Transcript.