Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1877-11-23
F. U n !.


The Chief of Police was visited by
sharp-nosed, keen-eyed woman, who carri-
ed chrome, 10-14 in size, in her hand, and
who placed it before him and asked:
Are you judge of chromos and oil
paintings?''
swell, can tell what suits me,'' he re-
I piled.
''Can you tell one from the other ?"
Eyes, M
''And what do you call this ?''
''That is chromo.'
He wanted to say that it was the worst
one he ever saw, but he didn't.
"Now, you are sure, are your" she ask
ed.
"Certainly I am"
"Well, that makes me feel good deal
better. 1 bought that yesterday Of an
agent for a chrome, and he had scarcely
left the house, when some of the neighbors
came in and said he had sWindled me, and
that it was nothing but an oil painting. 1
thought I'd bring it down and get your
opinion and you say it's chrome, do
you :"
do.''
''All right-thanks! I've always been
an enthusiastic patron of art, and 1t that
man had got four dollars out of me on false
pretenses, it would have kind O. set me up
against the old masters
The following story is told of the Rev.
DR.. Backus, who was the first president of
Hamilton College, at Clinton, N. Y. 1t
appears that while he was preaching in
country village, before he became presi-
dent, his salary was 5000 and his fire.
wood,'' but during one cold period his
wood ran out, and he bought cord of
neighbor, who recommended his fuel high
ly. The doctor made up q fire and put on
the new wood to find that after tie bark
had spu ttered furiously and quickly burn
ed out, the birch itself would burn no more
than so much iron. He FASTENED to his
neighbor and said 81 want twenty cords
more of that wood'' ''Twenty cords
doctor What can you do wit SO much "a
'sSmother the flames of hell; that's all its
good for''
''The baby has got a new tooth, but the
old lady is laid up with cold in the head"
remarked gentleman to defeated can
didate. "What do care?" was the reply.
''Well, said the gentleman, slowly, "be-
fore the election you used to take me
aside and ask me how my family Was
coming on. and I've been hunting you all
over town to tell you, and that's the Way
you talk to me. But it don't make ans
difference. [ voted for the other candi-
date, anyhow
Lady speaking with difiulty:) VIII
have you made it round the vast, Mrs.
Price ?'' Dressmaker ''Twenty-one inch
es, madam. You couldn't breathe with
less.'' Lady; "What's Lady Jemima
Jones's waist ?" Dressmaker; Nineteen
aid Lalf just now, ma'am. But her Ia
dyship's a head shorter than you are, AID
she's got ever so much thinner since he.
illness last autumn ~ Lady; ''Then make
it nineteen, Mrs, Price, and I'll engage to
get into it'll
"When 1 die let me be buried within the
workshop, the hum Of the MILL says the
candidate in his speech. And then he goes
home and seats himself in the rocking
chair while his wife carries the coal out vi
the cellar to get supper with.''
a company has been established to
manufacture weather bureaus for tbs
European market. A large-sized bureau
that will predict sixteen kinds of weather
a week can be had for $500. The typhoon
and westerly wind attachments are extra.
Talk about your good boys as you will,
but the lad that puts the fire-crackers i'll
his teachers desk and touches them off
when he is going to be asked hard ques-
ton is the fellow that will turn out in fl
TUE years to be self made man.
''Mr. Jones, don't you think women arr
more sensible than men ?" asked Miss
Smith. And Jones, after scratching his
favorite bump for moment or two, said
why, certainly they are-they marry
men, and men only marry women"
"Quite correct, my dear; the natives OF
South Africa do not require clothes to
keep them warm, because they are Hotten-
tots, don't you see? Coolies are differ
ent sort of people altogether. So are the
people of Chilli"
''Oh, yes" said an old lady, s'the modern
cook stove is great invention and when
my boy James gets through his studies in
practical engineering, so he can come
home and run it, I'll buy one of 'em. but |
not afore.'
A gentleman had occasion to correct his
daughter, aged four, recently. After it
was over and she had sat while, she went |
to her mother and inquired, ''Don't you
think it would do papa good to go out
cols?"
If you go on an excursion and tile seats
are all taken, stand up as long as you can
and then cry out, ''Man overboard!"
Every woman will rush for the rail.
Mrs. Lynda Sherman, the poisoner, has
hean recantured. We were in hopes thai; |