The Benton record. [volume] (Benton, M.T. [Mont.]) 1875-1879, 1877-03-02
HTnmford2s Pavement.

those swapping cold evenings last week
and Jack Frost slipping along soon afe
transformed it into sheet Of glistening
bone-breaking ice.
Mumford, wholly unconscious ofthe pit
fall in front Of his door, had just taken hi
seat at The basement window, when stou
old gentleman came along, carrying half
peck of cranberries tied up in brown paper
and softly hu5nming to himself:
'Iwish'd was q turtle-dove,
Wish'd Twas a sparrow,
I'd fly away to Je-ru-salem Y
he exclaimed, as his legs spread themselves
suddenly apart. A frightened, dazed look
crept into his eyes, and a minute later he
had burst the suspender buttons eff his
pantaloons, and hopelessly ruined new
eight-dollar 81 k hat, trying to butt barrel
Of ashes into the gutter, while the air in
that vicinity was filled with blue profanity
and red cranberries.
Owing to the thermometer being down
one flight ofstairs below Zero and the old
gentleman not having calcium light in
his vest pocket, he concluded not to pick
the 88,0O0-and-odd scattered cranberries,
but contented himself by shaking his fist
violently u Mumford's direction and yel-
ling as he moved away:
II can lick the stufing out Of a hull cart
load ofsuch 'smartys' as you'll"
Mercy, what a funay cid gentlemanI
First he falls down, and then be jumps up
and blames me for ii, )" remarked Mumford
to his wife, who was sitting by the light,
sewing.
He can't to this hour recollect what reply
his wife made, his whole attention being
suddenly riveted upon very tall, thin wo-
man with long nose and big hustle, who
was dragging fat, dumpling-built little
boy along BY the hand. She had reached
about the same spot where the old gentle
man moment before had been performing,
when she stopped suddenly, clutched wild
| " at vacancy, tried 10 kick her bonnet off,
missed by few Of the shortest kind Of
inches, tripped up the boy and sat down
on him with a force that threatened to
drive him through the earth to China.
The prompt use oi the boy preserer
saved her bones and hustle from destruc-
ton, but it fattened that sacrificing youth
I 10 a thickness Of a Jack of Clubs in a Eu-
chre deck.
"Don'ty you grin at me, you nasty big ba-
boon, you'' she screamed, nodding her
head at Mumford, while she groped around
for her false teeth that had slipped out of
her mouth in the confusion.
"She must certainly be drunk" solilo-
quized Mum(ord, watching her actions with
amazement.
III was man I'd skin you alive for
this, you wretchr' she shouted, when she
had got her teeth back, her bonnet on, and
her hustle propped up.
"Drunk and d lunatic both. What've !
got to do with her slamming herself around
On the sidewalk I'd like to know ?" he ask
ed himself, as he watched her fading away
in the darkness, with her fattened boy in
tow.
"A few moments later, as he was datten-
inc his nose against the window-pane, a
pair of lovers came tripping along.
"And, Amy, love" said the gentleman,
II can hardly realize that soon you are to
be my own little darling, ducksey- Suf
fering alligatorw he shrieked, as his legs
opened like a pair Of eompasses, and he
struck the sidewalk with jar that loosen
cd his back teeth, lifted his scalp an. inch
or two, cooled his love, ripped his best
pantaloons, started his eyes full of tears,
and made him regret bitterly that he'd
forgotten so much Of his boyhood's pro-
family.
20, Fred Y exclaimed his 1faace, trying
to lift him up by his paper collar, and the
next instant his charmer's feet slipped on
the ice, and after swaying to and fro yio
lently for 4 moment, she attempted to turn
a back .somersault, which her lover did
not look upon as a success, owing probably
to the facto her kicking him in the ear as.
she went over, with more the force Of
yellow mule or dynamite cartridge, than
that of the cardinal-stoekinged idol Of his
heart.
They got up, glanced sheepisbly around
to see If any one had noticed them, tried
to coax up sickly smile, and imped
away trying to look as if they didn't want
to rub themselves.
Hang it all! why don't you sprinkle
some ashes on that ice p called out a gro
Ger, who had skated offinto the gutter and
mashed two dozen eggs, the back Of his
head, and bottle Of olive oil, in falling.
10! there's ice there; 50 that accounts
for the gymnastics" said MumfoId, filing
a scuttle with hot Goals and ashes and hur
rying out.