New Orleans Republican. [volume] (New Orleans, La) 1867-1878, 1877-05-12

lie Weighs Himself.
A happier man than Mr.. Baringer never
whistled himself home. Everything had
gone well with him through the day.
He had worked off couple of bilious
looking fifty.cen pieces, that his clerk
had taken in, on guileless rustic GUS
toner, and then he had charged them up
to the clerk for taking them in. His law
yer had collected bill of man Mr.. Bar
niger thought was, dead; the assessor had
made mistake and had only assessed his
property at less than one-third its actual
value, and Mr.. BariDger was pretty conf
dent he could get out of paying the tax
altogether on the ground of erroneous
assessment; and then, finally, police
man had shot his neighbours dog. Every
thing conspired to make Mr.. Baringer
feel happy as the heart of spring. He
whistled all the way home, and he trolled
a merry roundelay in deep rich wheel
barrow tone as he skipped up the stairs;
he smiled as he entered the hall, and there
the smile went ont of the silent gates of
the was, down into the echoless aisles
of the silent had been, out into the shore
less sea of the distant ''ain't comm back
again." and Mr.. Baringer stood trans
fixed.
"Well, he growled after moment of
silent reflection and contemplation, eyeing
the object that had so suddenly changed
his happy mood, 'what next, wonder
As if there weren't enough legitimate uses
for money to make it go faster than any
one man can earn it, somebody must go
and buy scales with it. What under the
sun, what in the name of common sense,
can we or do we want with grocery scales
here? believe in my soul that woman
would buy complete set of Fairbanks
hay scales if some peddler would come
along and offer it to her"
He dashed his hat viciously on the hat
rack, and climbed moodily on the scales
to weigh himself
"Fancy old scales, too" he said, Gear
peted platform and nickel-plated dial in
dicator. I wonder if I've gained anything
since last fall. "
But as he stepped his full weight upon
the platform, he was surprised to observe
no change in the dial. The indicator
pointed at nothing" as resolutely as
though it meant it,
"Huh !" exclaimed Mr.. Barringer, in
some amazement. And he bounced him
self lightly on the platform, and watched
the indicator with some appearance of in
terest But it never took the slightest no.
tice of him.
Then Mr.. Baringer became excited. He
jumped up and down on the platform,
and surged himself down like a tidal wave,
but the indicator never smiled, and OBJ
stinately indicated the nothing point at
every effort Then Mr.. Baringer got
frightened, and little mad.
"By thunder |" he exclaimed, 81 know
better than that; know weigh pound,
anyhow. Here" he shouted, nervously,
"I'll see whaty you mean by this"
And he ran out and brought in an arm
full of bricks and piled them on the plat
form, and seated himself on them but
the indicator remained as steady as though
it had been merely painted on the dial
plate. Then he went out again, with his
eyes staring at each other across the top
of his nose, and came staggering in with
the ak, the spade and the lawn mower,
and held them on, and climbed up and
sat down on them, like Marius among the
ruins, and glared at the indicator with a
terrible expression of countenance, and
the indicator only seemed to settle little
more firmly in its place, and that was all.
Then he sailed forth again, and came in
with his hair standing on end, and piled
on box of sand, coal scuttle, pair of
dumb bells, a coil of lead pipe, and a
piece of curbtone, and climed to the sum
NIT of the heap and looked. The plat
form groaned little under the tremendous
weight, and the indicator braced itselfup
and indicated that it wasn't going to
bulge under any such inducements.
Then MIR. Baringer got mad. He cried
and climbed down to the floor and began
to lombard the thing with the various
articles he had piled on it, and he yelled
and howled at it until abe racket brought
the servants and the children and Mrs.
Baringer into the hall.
Erasmus Baringer, shrieked his wife,
"what are you doing2 What is the matter
with you?"
'Matter, he yelled, trying to throw
the lawn-mower at the dial. Doing?
'Smatter with me? Ruined Ruined by
a woman that will buy anything peddler
can bring her. Scales that WON'T weigh
nothingl Scales that wouldn't show an
ounce if you piled mountains on 'eml
Scales! A blamed old lying-faced fraud?
An old Piece of iron that would be re-
jected at bankrupt junk shopl Scalesl
A vile, miserable, fraudulent"
Mrs. Baringer was down in corner of
the hall, holding on to the carpet with
both hands, screaming with laughter and
on the verge of commissions.
80 helpl help help!" she shrieked. 20,
I'm going to die, / know l am! o ha, ha,
ha, no, no, no, he, he, he! o dear, dear,
what fool a man is! o mercy, mercyl
o Erasmus Baringer, you'll be the death
OF me yet! 0 mercy, mercy Sea-ha,
ha, ha--lesl He, he, he, hel Scales; o
help, help, help! Scales! o Erasmus
Baringerl Scalesl o I'm dying womanl
Can't you stop me, somebody Sealesl o
you donkey It's my new health-lift. -
Rlirlin0fon Hd3nL.ssto