The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1877-02-15
Miscellaneous.

Sweets in adyersity-a sugar-house
failure.
The most common kind of cake after
Christmas-Stonachac
What should be lighter than a lamp2
Why, lamp-lighter, Of course.
Why is a man who marries an heiress
a lover of music2 Because he marries
fortune.
Why is a ring given as pledge of mat
rimony2 Because there is no end to it
but in destruction.
Our wife went to market this morning
on skates. The eggs will have to be
bought over again.
Carlyle considers children loan. This
is better than considering them togeth-
or. Much better.
Let us do all we can for the poor, the
the rich can be relieved by almost any
body that's sharp enough.
James" said Mrs. Buzzer to her eld-
est boy, II see in the paper that Rewsha
has issued some ultimatum. You'd bet
ter git some for your hair"
waiter" he yelled with an awful roar,
This napkin, I'm sure, has been used
before" "By four, sir, nc" did the wal
ter Say You're only the third that's
used it to-day"
If you have no cold victuals for the
poor, hungry tramp, don't send him away
without anything Give him your moth
ers recipe for making oyster dressing.
A Western paper, in describing an ac-
cident recently, says, with much candor:
"Dr. Jones was called, and under his
prompt and skillful treatment the young
man died on Wednesday night"
Our foreign exchanges say THE Ital-
ian Clerical Abuses Bill" The Italian
Clerical shouldn't be allowed to do any
thing Of the kind; we wonder that Bill
puts up with it.
A visitor to an art gallery, on being
asked whether he preferred pictures to
statuary, said he preferred the latter as
''you kin go all round the statoos, but
you see only one side of the picters"
Petroleum V. Nasby (resolved):-l.
That the dimocrisy select a strikly repre-
sentative dimocrat, and the Republicans
strikly representative Republican, with
two umpires and one bottle holder, wich
shell be me.
A gentleman, who rather suspected
some one was peeping through the key
hole Of his Office door, Investigated with
a syringe full of pepper sauce, and went
home to find his wife had been cutting
wood, and a chip had hit her in the eye
81 had nine children to support, and
it kept me busy" said Smith to Jones, as
they met, "but one Of the girls got mar
ried. Now / have" "Eight?" inter
rupted Jones. mo, ten-counting the
son-in-law" said Smith, with a sigh
which might have been heard afar of.
A minister was telling young girl who
was about to become a bride, that she
must remember that the man and wife
are one Lord" said she, "if you were
under my father and mothers window
when they are quarreling you'd think
there were at least a dozen"
of his plate and another out of his saucer
petulantly exclaimed: MY dear, it seems
to me that everything belonging to you
is broken" "Well, yes" responded the
wife; "even you seem to be little crack
ed"
May they always live in peace and
harmony" was the way Yankee mar
riage should have wound up. But the
compositor, who couldn't read manu-
script so well, pat in type and Mortified
the happy couple by making it read:
May they always live on peas and hom-
inyr
Not at all singular-lst Yokel: "I be
a good Christian, Samuel" I'd ditto:
"Be'est thou2 How dost T. know lst
ditto: "Whoy, Parson says all good
Christians be glad when Christmas time
comes an / be's glad enough, COS then
/ as a spree, and lots o drink.
The most hopeless specimen Of imbe-
cility to be seen these days is q man lean
ing over dry goods counter, staring
helplessly into the eyes of the unsympa-
thizing young woman behind it, and
wondering "what the blazes was the
name OF that thing the old woman told
me to getf
Those snakes which fell from heaven
upon Memphis last week turn out to
worm, "the worm of the still" which has
the peculiar faculty of making men "see
snakes" 1t is not impossible that this
particular worm may have had some
thing to do with the original story.
A gentleman met a citizen of Somer-
vile recently, and said to him, your
home is in Somerville. believer" "No,"
replied the Somerville man, my home
is in heaven" Let me give you a little
advice, said the gentleman. "You hurry
and get postal card and write your
folks that you are never coming home"
The night was beautiful and they were
out sleigh-riding together. He asked
her to sit in his lap and drive. She felt
it was delicious to be loved so dearly and
consented. As for him he was a cautious
young man, and had in view the best
means of protecting himself in case the
horse became excited and plunged his
hoofs through the dashboard.