The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1877-02-28

plation of the horrors of the tomb. .
"Refrain from despondency, ]
suppose, and lift their hearts to
I" just so! And and at the same
time combine elevating sentiment
with such practical information as
you can obtain from the advertise
ment Throw glamour of poesy,
f'r instance, over the commonplace
details of the every day life of the
deceased. People are fond OF min
ute descriptions. Some facts useful
for this purpose may be obtained
from the man who brings the notice
to the office; others you may per-
haps be able to supply from your
| Imagination.
"I think can do it first rate.
said Mr. Simmer.
"But, above ALL" continued the
| Colonel, ''try always to take bright
view OF the matter. Cause the sun
shine OF smiles, as it were, to burst
/ through the tempest of tears and il
we don't make The Morning Argus
hum around this town, it will be
| queer"
Mr.. Simmer had charge of the
editorial department the next day
during the absence of Col. Bangs in
Wilmington. Throughout the after
noon and evening death-notices ar
rived and when one would reach
| Mr.. SINNERS desk. he would lock
the door. place the fingers of his left
hand among his hair and agonize
until he succeeded in completing a
verse that seemed to him to accord
with his Instructions.
The next morning Mr.. Simmer
proceeded calmly to the office for
the purpose of embalming in sympa-
thetic verse the memories OF other
departed ones. AS he came near to
the establishment he observed a
crowd of people in front of it. stfug-
CLING to get into the door. Ascend
ing some steps upon the other side
of the street, he overlooked the
crowd, and could see within the Of
fee the clerks selling papers as fast
as they could handle them, while the
mob pushed and yelled in frantic ef-
forts to obtain copies, the presses in
the cellar meanwhile changing furi-
ously> Standing upon the curbstone
in front of the Office there was
long row of men. each of whom was
engaged in reading The Morning A''-
gus with an earnestness that Mr..
Simmer had never before seen dis
played by the patrons Of that sheet.
The bard concluded that either his
poetry had touched a sympathetic
chord in the popular heart, or that
an appalling disaster had occurred
in some quarter of the globe.
He went around to the back OF
the office and ascended to the edi-
torial rooms. AS he approached the
sanctum, loud voices were heard
within. Mr.. Simmer determined 10
ascertain the cause before entering.
He obtained chair, and placing it
by the side door, he mounted it and
peeped over the door through the
transom. There sat Colonel Bangs,
holding The Morning argus in both
hands, while the fringe which grew
in q semicircle around the edge of
his bald head stood straight out. un-
til he seemed to resemble a gigantic
gun-swab. Two or three persons
stood in front of him in threatening
attitudes. Simmer heard one of
them say:
"My name is McGlue, sir =
William McGIue! ] am a brother
of the late Alexander McGlue. |
picked up your paper this morning,
and perceived in it an outrageous
insult to my deceased relative, and
| have come around to demand, sir, |
WHAT YOU MEAN by the following
infamous language:
"a THE death-sngeI smote Alexander McGlue,
And gave him protrscted repcse;
He wore a checked shirt and number nine shoe, |
And he had pink wart on his nose.
No doubt he is happier dwelling in space
Over there the evergreen shore.
His friends are informed his funeral takes place
Precisely at quarter-past four
: This is simply diabolical Ny |
late brother had no wart on his nose,
sir. He had upon his nose neither
a pink wart nor a green wart, nor n
cream-colore wart. nor wart of !
any other color. 1t is a slanderl !
II is q gratuitous insult TO my fami-
ly, and l distinctly want you to say /
a0Isdt you mean by such conduct?"
Really. sir" said Bangs. lit is
mistake. This is the horrible work
of a miscreant in whom l reposed
perfect confidence. He shall be
punished by my own hand for this
outrage. A pink Nart Awful |
sir-awful! The miserable scoun-
drel shall suffer for this-he shall.
indeed !''
How could l know" murinured !
Mr.. Simmer, to the foreman, who
with him was listening. e'that the |
corpse hadn't pink wart? used |
to know a man named McGlue, and |
he had one, and ! thought all the |
McGlues had. This comes of irreg !
ularities in families"
"And who," said another man,
addressing the editor. "authorized |
you to print this hideous stuff about |
my deceased son? Do you mean to |
say, Bangs, that it is not with your
authority that your low comedian
inserted with my advertisement the
following scandalous burlesque?
Listen to this.
:. swnlie had purple monkey climbing yell
low stick,
And when he sucked the paint all of it made him
deathly sick;
And in his latest hours he clasped that monkey in
his hand,
And bade goodbye to earth and went into better
land.
"a 'oh no more he'll shoot his sister with his
wooden gun; -.l -Il
And no more he,n twist the pussy's tail aud make