South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1877-03-23

W.T. AND HUMOR.
1Phil. my Jewel" said Pat. .rm
mighty sorry ye can't dine with me TO-
dayf" "Arrah. and Why can't dine
With YEP" said the astonished Phil
Because, my DEAR" returned Pat, III
haven't asked ye as yet"
A%The great question ofthe present
les Whether it is bettsr to carry two
pounds or dried apples or bar OF ten
ssht-sosp TO She annual donation at the
minister sbousc. 50 ~ = / ~ .ksa s.ra, \
gaihii1.i iai ilg
urhe longest rope has an end. The
otherday, when the good.naturcd and
ccrpulcnt Mrs. Blixen burst into tears
rs she selected three rusty salt Ash Mt
the corner grocery for dinner for her
sixteen boarders, the kin,i .hcarted gro
Ger gave her down weight. and asked
the cause Of her grief.
ATS them hearty boarders r. she
sobbcd. i've got new lot of late,
and they are awful obstinate. The FIRST
day. just as they had commenced din
ner. bad boy call out "fire r. in the
backyard. and they all rushed out, and
had chance to take one chicken and
halfthe butter off the table. But Ican't
move IN agin TO save me. I've had a
dog fight in the area. bribed the girl to
scream "nurdcr!" on the stairs, and
cried out myself that burglar was up
stairs; but they sit there, and grin, and
cat. and laugh, and devour meat, and
butter. and bread, as i'll was a million.
aire. It's awful. sir,-just perfectly
awful. and I don't know what will be.
come Of me 70
How Do You SwEAR?-The witness
had served in one of the Indiana regi.
ments and had come home from the wars
with both arms shot off. He lost one
arm at Fort Donaldson and the other at
Lookout Mountain. When he came for.
ward to testify the clerk commenced TO
administer the oath.
"You solemnly swear"
stop! stop!" interrupted the Judge
newly installed) with overpowcring dig.
nifty. "The witness will hold up his
right hand when he is sworn"
your honor" replied the clerk meek.
ly. "the man has no right hand"
Then let him hold up his left hand"
'If your Honor will remember, the
witness has no left hand either. He
had The misfortune to lose them both in
battle"
Perhaps the clerk thought by this last
bit OF information to bring the Judge
down from his height of displeasure, but
he reckoned without his host.
"Then tell him to hold up his right
leg. A witness cannot be sworn i'm this
court without holding up something
Silence! oil Of you! This court knows
the law and will maintain it,
The witness was sworn on one leg.
V"What do you know about this
prisoner?" asked the Judge of q colored
him. Judge. only he's bigoted!" big.
oted y asked the judge; what do you
mean by bigoted?" "Why, judge" ex-
planned the witness, The knows too
much for one niggah, and not nutr for
twop'
Ia Startling discovery OF little
three-year-old-"Why, pa, there is hole
in your hair"
~ He sat alone in her fathers par.
Tor, waiting for the fair ones appear.
ance, the other evening, when her little
brother came cautiously into The room,
and gliding up to the young mans side.
held out n handful Of something. and
earnestly inquired II say mister, " hat'r
them?" "Those?" replied the young
man. solemniy, taking up one in bis fin.
gers, "those are beans" There ="
shouted the boy, turning to his sister
who was just coming in, II knew you
did not say true. You said he didn't
know beans, and he does, too?" The
young mans stay was not what you
could call prolonged one that evening.
~ Horace Clark once told the old
Commodore, his father.in.iaw, that it
was pity he did not have a college ed.
ucation. did you have college ed.
ucation, Horace?" asked Vanderbilt.
Yes, sir" "Well, Horace, don't
think I could afford to swap with you,"
The old man replied, with a roguish twin.
kle in lis eye.
Iva husband, finding piece broken
out Of bis plate and another out OF his
saucer. petulantlY exclaimed TO bis