Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1877-05-10

III
known by the name of David Noorse,
built a large stone house beside the imme-
mortal oak. And this estate is still known
in the deed by the name given it by Mrs.
Noorse, The Widows Mite. "-1frs.
NARY Cle1nnaer, IN Adoance
Mr. Baringer Weighs Himself.
a happier man than Mr.. Baringer never
whistled himself home. Everything had
gone well with him through the day.
He had worked off couple of bilious
looking new ifty-cent pieces, that his
clerk had taken in, on a guileless rustic
customer, and then he had charged them
up to the clerk for taking them in. His
lawyer had collected bill of man Mr..
Baringer thought was dead, the Assessor
had made mistake and only assessed his
property at less than one third its actual
value, and Mr.. Baringer was pretty conf
dent he could get out of paying the tax al
together, on the ground of erroneous as
sessment. And then finally, policeman
had shot his neighbours dog. Everything
conspired 10 make Mr.. Baringer feel hap
Ply as the heart of spring. He whistled
all the way home, and he trolled merry
roundelay in deep rich wheelbarroW-
tone as he skipped up the stairs, he
smiled as he entered the hall, and there
the song died away, and the smile went
out of the silent gates of the Was, down
into the echoless aisles of the silent Had
Been, out unto the shOreless sea of the
distant Amt comm oack again" and
Mr. Baringer stood transfxed.
Well" he growled after moment of
silent reflection and contemplation, eye
ing the object that had so suddenly
changed his happy mood, "what next, |
wonder? AS If there weren't enough
legitimate uses for money to make it go
faster than any one mar can earn it,
somebody must go and buy scales with it.
What under the sun, what in the name of
common sense, can we or do we want
with grocery scales here? | believe in
my soul, that woman would buy COM
plete set of Fairbanks hay scales if some
peddlcr would come along and offer it to
her,
He dashed his hat viciously on the hat
rack and climbed modify on the scales
to weigh himself.
Fancy old scales, too" he said, "car-
peted platform and nickel plated dial in
dictator. wonder if I've gained anything
since last fall"
But as he stepped his full weight upon
the platform, he was surprised to observe
no change in the dial. The indicator
pointed at nothing as resoiutely as
though it meant it.
"Huh" exclaimed Mr.. Baringer, in
some amaZement. And he bounced him
self lightly on the platform and watched
the indicator with some appearance of in
terest.
But it never took the slightest notice of
him.
Then Mr.. Baringer became excited. He
jumped up and down on the platform and
surged himself down like tidal wave !;
but the Indicator never smiled, and Obsti-
nately indicated the nothing point at ev-
cry effort. Then Baringer got frightened
and a little mad
"By thunder" he exclaimed, az know
better than that. | know weigh pound i,
anyhow. Here" he shouted, nervously,
1ll see what you mean by this"
And he ran out and brought in an arm
full of bricks and piled on the platform, and
seated himself on them, but the indicator
remained as steady as though it had been
merely painted on the dial plate. Then he
went out again, with his eyes staring at
each other across the top of his nose, and
came staggering in with the ak, the spade
and the lawn mower, and piled them on,
and climbed up and sat down on them,
like Marius among the ruins, and glared
at the Indicator with dreadful express
sion of countenance, and the indicator
only seemed to settle little more firmly
in its place, and that was all Then he
sailed forth again, and came in with his
hair standingon end, and brought box
OF sand, coal scuttle, pair OF dumb
bells, coil of lead pipe and a piece of
curbstone, and piled them on, and
climbed to the summit of the heap, and
looked. The platform groaned little I'M
der the tremendous weight, and the indi-
Gator braced itself up, and indicated that
it wasn't going to bulge under any such
inducements.
Then Mr.. Baringer got mad. He cried
and climbed down to the floor and began
to lombard the thing with the various
articles he had piled on it, and he yelled
and howled at it until the racket brought
the servants and the children and Mrs
Baringer into the hall.
Erasmus Baringer!" shrieked his
wife, What are you doing? What is the
matter with yOu?''
the lawn-mower at the dial. doing
ohAutlCA W Ill lnC 1tuIuCu! IAulHCu Dt
a woman that will buy anything peddler
can bring her. Scales that won't weigh
nothing Scales that wouldn't show an
ounce if you piled mountains on 'em !
Scales A blamed old lying faced fraud !!
An old piece of iron that would be re-
jected at bankrupt junk-shop! Scales !
A vile, miserable, fraudulent ="
Mrs. Baringer was down in corner of
the hall, holding on to the carpet with
both hands, screaming with laughter, and
on the verge of commissions.
81 Oh, help! helpl helpr' she shrieked
" Oh! I'm going to die, | know l am
Oh, ha, ha, ha! no! no! he! he, he, he
Oh, dear, oh, dear, what fool man is!
oh, mercy, mercy! Oh, Erasmus BARN
ger, you'll be the death Of me yet! Oh,
mercy, mercy Sca-ha, ha, ha!-les!
He, he, he, he! Scales! Oh, help, help,
help! Scales! Oh, Erasmus Baringerl
Scales! Oh, I'm dying womant Can't
you stop me, somebody? Scales! Oh,
you donkey! It's my new health liftn'-
Burlington Hack. Eye.
The French Army.