The Louisiana Democrat. [volume] (Alexandria, La.) 1845-1918, 1877-10-03
THE JOSEPH-HOWARD WAR.

Ill. 1liay eS III tue LTeSlueu tlai CudtTs
his Generals and Armies have been
waging a war, ridiculous, running
war so-called, against some Of the
belligerent Indians, headed by an old
cute one named Joseph, and that the
United States Troops are directed
by one O. O. Howard, christian
general, of Freedmen Bureau noto-
riety. This war is a sham war on
our part, though it has been raging
for six months, is yet going on, and
the kilograms of the newspapers are
daily filled with terrible dispatches
from old Howard and his staff, actu-
ally mystifying the public more and
more every day. Thus far we have
refrained from publishing any of
these, believing they would be bore
to our readers. However, as this
"cruel war; still RACES, we have con-
cluded to give the following from
Don Piatt's Capital, which no doubt
hits the nail right on the head, and
is really the truth in a nutshell
'The situation on the frontier has
come to be SO serious that our vigil
liant Secretary of War is putting the
War Department building here In an
admirable condition of defense. The
War Department reminds one now of
the ugly times following the civil
war, when r. NJ. Stanton was in a
state of siege, expecting raid from
old ad interim Thomas. Should Oh!
Oh! Howard succeed in chasing Chief
Joe into the War Department build
ing, which result is apprehended, the
vigilant Secretary is prepared to give
him warm reception. That Pink
of Military Propriety, Colonel Town
send, has been instructed to make
himself as disagreeable to joe as he
is to the people having bufiness in
his office, and if the P. NJ. p. is half
as hard on Joe in that respect as he
is on others, it Is expected that the
great Indian will weaken and surren-
der incontinently.
However, as a precaution, the Sec
rotary holds the Marine Band in re-
serve, and the P. NJ. P. fail the band
will attack Joseph with some Of it's
most mournful music. This the Wig
liant Secretary considers sufficient
preparation, and bids Joseph def
ance. He calls attention to the fact
that the walls of Jericho succumbed
to rams horns, and rams horns, we
all know, are as nothing to the Ma.
rine Band. We think so, and intend
taking position on Winder's building
to hear Joe howl when the band
opens on him.
We detailed reporter to make q
report of the preparations. He is a
competent man, barring habit he
has of getting drunk when most
needed. But he has sane intervals.
and we hope to catch him in one of
these. Having served in the late
war as sutler, he knows all about
military matters. He is to telegraph
US every fifteen minutes, and we give
his dispatches from the seat of war
as we receive them:
WAR DEPARrMENT--1 p. M.-Cros.
by just received orders to lay in
box of sardines and bottle of whis-
key. Department in high state of
excitement. Howard telegraphs that
be is on Joe's rear, with only
three hundred miles between
them.
1:30 P. M.-Joe is heading in an
easterly direction, and Howard tele-
graphs that he may strike the De-
partment at any moment within the
next six months.
2 P. M.-Latest from Howard.
Gained two miles on Joe, and lost
the advantage through stopping
for prayer. Howard says he "never
flags"
General Myers sent for from Sig
nal Corps to explain meaning Of
never flags"
2:30 P. M.--Myers says Howard
must be drunk; that he, not being Of
the Signal Corps, has no right to
flag.
81. M.-McDowell telegraphs that
Howard is an ass.
$3.50 P. M.-Secretary of War in
dorses McDowell's opinion.
4 P. M.-The P. M. P. has Dor
rowed wig from the National
Theater. He is going to cheat 10.
seph out of his scalp.
4:30 P. M.-War Department
thrown into intense alarm by the