The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1877-05-26
Mr.. Baringer Weighs Himself.


never whistled himself home. Every
thing had gone well with him through
the day. He had worked off a couple of
blious-looking new fifty cent pieces,
that his clerk had taken in, on guile
less rustic customer, and then he had
charged them up to the clerk for taking
them in. His lawyer had collected bill
of man Mr.. Baringer thought was dead,
the assessor had made mistake and
only assessed his property at less than
onethird its actual value, and Mr.. BARN
ger was pretty confident he could get out
of paying the tax altogether on the
| ground of erroneous assessment And
then, finally, policeman had shot his
neighbor's dog. Everything conspired to
make Mr.. Baringer feel happy as the
heart of spring He whistled all the
way home, and he trolled merry round
clay in a deep rich wheelbarrow tone as
he skipped up the stairs; he smiled as he
entered the hall, and there the song died
away, and the smile went out of the
silent gates of the Was, down into the
echoleSs aisles of the silent Had Been,
out unto the shorelcss sea of the distant
"Ain't comm back again." and Mr..
Baringer stood transfxed.
"Well," he growled after a moment of
silent reflection and contemplation, ey-
ing the object that had so suddenly
changed his happy mood, "what next, l
wonder? AS if there weren't enough
| legitimate uses for money to make it go
faster than any one man can earn it,
somebody must go and buy scales with
| it. What under the sun, what in the
name OF common sense, can we or do we
want with grocery scales here? l be-
lieye in my soul that woman would buy
a complete set of Fairbanks hay-scales if
some peddler would come along and offer
it to her"
He dashed his hat viciously on the hat
rack and climbed moodily on the scales
to weigh himself.
Fancy old scales, too" he said;" car
peted platform and nickel-plated dial in
dicator. wonder if I've gained any
thing since last fall"
But as he stepped his full weight upon
the platform he was surprised to observe
no change in the dial. The indicator
pointed at nothing" as resolutely as
though it meant it.
Hah" exclaimed Mr.. Baringer, in
some amazement. And he bounced him.
self lightly on the platform and watched
the indicator with some appearance of
interest.
But it never took the slightest notice
of him.
Then Mr.. Baringer became excited.
He jumped up and down on the platform
and surged himself down like a tidal
wave, but the indicator never smiled, and
| obstinately indicated the nothing point
at every effort. Then Mr.. Baringer got
frightened and little mad.
By thunder" he exclaimed, 81 know
better than that. l know l weigh
pound, anyhow. Here" he shouted,
nervously, I'm see what you mean by
this"
And he ran out and brought in an arm
full of bricks and piled on the platform,
and seated himself on them, but the indi-
Gator remained as steady as though it
had been merely painted on the dial
plate. Then he went out again, with his
eyes staring at each other across the top
OF his nose, and came staggering in with
the ak, the spade and the lawn mower,
and piled them on and climbed up and
sat down on them, like Marius among
the ruins, and glared at the indicator
with d dreadful expression of counte-
nance, and the Indicator only seemed to
settle little more firmly in its place,
and that was all. Then he sailed forth
again, and came in with his hair standing
on end, and a box of sand, coal
scuttle, pair of dumb bells, coil of
lead pipe, and piece of curbstone, and
piled them on, and climbed to the sum-
nit OF the heap, and looked. The plat
form groaned little under the tremen-
dous weight and the indicator braced
itself up, and indicated that it wasn't
going to bulge under any such induce
ments.
Then Mr.. Baringer got mad He cried
and climbed down to the floor and began
to lombard the thing with the various
articles ne had piled on it, and he yelled
and howled at it until the racket brought
the servants and the children and Mrs.
Baringer into the hall
Erasmus Baringerm shrieked his
wife, "what are you doing? What is
the matter with you!"
NA"CtSA. hO JSllCl, u y my W luIOW
the lawn-mower at the dial. Doing?
Smatter with me? Ruinedl Ruined by
woman that will buy anything peddler
can bring her. Scales that won't weigh
nothing! Scales that won't show an
ounce if you piled mountains on 'em
Scales An old lyingfaced fraud! An
old piece of iron that would be rejected
at bankrupt junk shopl Scales! A
vile, miserable, fraudulent"
Mrs. Baringer was down in corner
of the hall, holding on to the carpet with
both hands, screaming with laughter
and on the verge of commissions
ooh, help! help! helpp' she shrieked
"Ohl Pm going to die, 1 know l
am! Oh, ha, ha, ha, no, no, no, he, hel
Oh, dear, oh, dear, what fool man
is! Oh, mercy, mercy! Oh, Erasmus
Baringer, you'll be the death of me yet!
Oh, mercy, mercy Sca-ha, ha, hal
les! He, he, he, he! Scales! Oh, help!
help! help. Scalesl Oh Erasmus Bar
ing! Scalesl Oh, I'm dying woman!
Can't you stop me, somebody? Scales!
Oh, you donkey! It's my new health
lift"-Bmlington Hack. Eye.
-" What does 20. K mean on that
dispatch?" passenger asked a conductor
hn hoA