Weekly Trinity journal., 1877-03-17
PERKINS REMEDIES.

Some time ago, Mr.. Perkins, ,'of neigh
boring village, made up his mind to try
to get ont of poverty by inyenting pat
ent medicine. After some reflection, he
concluded that the two most frequent and
unpopular forms of nfrmity were bald
ness and torpidity of the liver, and he Sc
lected the compounds recommended by
the PharmacopGia as the remedies which
lie would sell to the public. One he call.
cd Perkins Liver Regulator"
Procuring a large number offancy bot
ties ard gaudy labels, he bottled the
medicines and advertised them extensive
ly. with certificates Of imaginary cures,
which were written out for him by a
friend whose liver was active and whose
hair was abundant.
II was not at al unlikely that Perkins
would have achieved success with his en-
,erprise but for one circumstance. lie
was totally unfamiliar with the prcpara-
tions, excepting SO far as the Pharmoco-
ppia had instructed him; and, rs ill-luck
would have it, in putting them up he got
the labels Of liver regulation on the hair
vigor bottles. The result was appalling;
and as Mr. Perkins had requested the af-
ficted to inform him Of the benefits de-
rived from applying the remedies, be bad
not sold more than a few hundred bottles
before he began to hear from the pur-
cha,crs.
One day as lie was coming out Of his
Office, hc observed a man sitting on the
iire-pug with shot gun in his hand and
thunder upon his brow. The man was
bare hcadod and hi, scalp was covered
with a shiny substance Of some kind
When he saw Perkins he omplied one
load Of Ljld Shot into the inventors legs
and he was about to give bim the contents
Of the other barred when Perkins hobblod
into the office aud shut the door. The
man pursued hi,a, md tried to break in
the door with th. lult OF the gun. lie
fulcd, ond Perkins asked him what he
Incant by such murd.rous conduct.
"lou come ont here, and I'll show you
what mcan. you scoundrcl" said the
man. ~ loG just step out here for min
ute and I'll blow the head Off Of you for
selling me hair yigor that's gummcd my
head up so That can't wear hat, and
can't sleep without sticking TO the pillow
case. Turned my scalp all green and
pink, too. lou put your head out Of that
door, and I'll give you more vgor ;ban
you want, you idiot. ] expect that
stuif7ll soak in ard KIN me-"
Then the man took his seat again on
the fire plug, and after relooding the bar
rel ofhis gun pat on n fresh cap and
waited. Mr.. Perkins remained in doors
and sent boy out the Lacl way for the
mail. The first letter he opened was from
u woman, who wrote:
"My husband took one dose Of your
liver rcgulntor and Immediately went in
to spasm. He has had fits every hour
for four days As soon a, lie dies | am
coming on to Kill the Geud who killed
him"
4 clorgymqn Of Smyrna wrote to ask
what. were the ingredients Of the liverreg-
ulator. He feared something was wrong
because his aunt began to roll over the
floor and howl in the most alarming man
ner, and she hnd been in a comatose con-
dition for fifteen hours.
a man named johnson dropped lino
to say that after applying the hair vigor
to his scalp he had leaned his head against
the baak Of a chair, and it had, now been
in that po ition two days. lie feared he
would never be released unless he cut up
the chair and wore the piece permanent
ly on his head. He was coming up To see
Mr.. Perkins in reference to the NATTER
\ Mr. Wilson said lis boy used the
igor 10 start mcus;oche, and now his
lip was glued fast to his nose.
Mrs. Martin shaved her poodle~too
close and applied the yigor lie went
mad, bit two children, and eat the cat
aud poll parrot,
There was about forty other letters Civ
ing the d tails Of sundy other cases Of
awful suffering, and breathing throaten-
ings and slaugi ter against Mr.. Perkins.
Just rs Mr.. Perkins was finishing these
epistles Jim WoodIey camo rushing in
through the bac, door, breathless and
exclaimed:
"By George, AIca}, you better got
over the fence and leave town quick ms
you can. There, thunder to pay about
those patent medicines OF yours. Old
Mrs. Gridley has just gone up on thativ-
er regulator after being in couyulsions
week. Thomson's girl is at the last
gasp +; four Browns have got the awful
est looking heads you ever saw from the
hnir vgor, AID about dozen others are
up al the SheriiI's Office taking ont war
rants for your arrest. The people are
talking OF mobLing you, and the crowd
ont here on the pavement are cheering a
green headed man with gun, who says
he's going to bang the head Of Of you.-
Now you take my advice and skip. Itn
he sudden death to ostay here. Meander !
leave that's your only chance"
Then Mr.. Perkins got over the fence
and made straight streak for the State
line, and an hour later the mob Quilted
his office and smashed the entire stock Of
remedies. Perkins is in Canada, work
Ing in n saw mill.
A NEGRO at Montgomery, Ala, re-
Gently fell down well 100 feet deep.
When interrogated as to whether he was
badly hurt, he iepIed that he felt econ
sidible shuk up. like, but guessed twas
muffin daugrrntis -