Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1877-06-16
COMMUNICATED.

lTAL, III am 10 DelleSe your auloSiaPh
letter and the compliments reported
therein. ! started with the conundrum
what two things am like? Mrs. Quirk
on picking up your paper of.this week,
and seeing my communication, remark
ed that SHE could have put the question
better for me by asking what SINGLE
thing on earth it is l am like, and she
further intimated that in adoring me as
she does there is no danger of idelatry,
tor she dares the earth or the great wa
tiers to produce what l am the image of.
How far her ambition to see me in the
Presidents chair of "The Ugly Club"
may have warped her judgment, | know
not, but she certainly talks with appar-
ent sincerity. Knowing you to be
friend | will be candid, and confess that
/ have my EYE on that chair, and that
if Mrs. Quirk and my looking glass have
not conspired TO deceive me, it is pretty
certain that l will soon have my COAT
TAIL on it also.
Now, friend little, l have an astound
rather a couple of them. have made
two discoveries-on of the highest in
terest to antiquarians, historians, ge-
ographers and, indeed, to the whole HUI
man race-another of the most dismal
import to ''Ne'er do weels" like myself
who, seduced and moved Gas the States
Attorney would say by the instigation
of the nameless one and regardless OF
the tranquility and dignity OF the State
and the peace Of families, fcloniously
and of malice prepense utter, write aud
induce innocence like your own TO print
quirks, bubbles and puns. This morn
ing, in looking over map of the seat
of war, recollected that not very far
from the scene of operations in Asia is
the spot supposed to be the cradle OF
the human family-where Adam was
moulded into that beautiful shape in
herited by SOME of his descendants
yourself for examplc,-whcre Eve de-
veloped that fondness for fruit SO pro-
life of mischief there and ever since,
and where that "tarnal sarpent' acted
so sLabbily as TO justify the autipalhy
which my countrymen entertain for bis
remote posterity. And, now, before |
mention my supposed discoveries, l will'
say that am not POSITIVE that have
come to a right conclusion from the
premises. You know [ am always open
TO conviction, as in the cases of ''cock
tail" and "curtail," which | discussed
last week | am willn. to leave THE
matter also TO the Board of Education
or the assembled erudition of Jefferson
County at the next teachers examina-
tioa. On the left bank of the river ii
girls, l find city called Bagdad, and |
think | am not very rash in concluding
that this is the very spot where Father
Adam fell, or where DAD was BAGGED
by the Arch enemy of mankind aud that
old Harry then and there named the
place and gave the first suggestion for
a pun. | think then can claim that |
have discovered the exact starting point
of this absurd world of ours and-what
will be more readily beiieved-that the
Devil invented puns. There are some
puns so airocious as to render it impos
sible that they could claim descent from
any other source. For instance, Titus
A. Brick was couDtryman of mine, re-
markable for his immense pedal devel-
opment There certainly was "a desti-
ny that shaped THAT mans ends" and
trough. hewed" them too, for nothing
but fate, aud hard fate at that, could
stand the responsibility of such feet.
lie used to make his living by wrestling
in the Ring, and for many years he
wore the champions belt of Ireland, for
nothing short of an earthquake could
disturb an equilibrium based on SO
broad foundation. Although he was
a powerfully built man, his legs looked
very spindling in contrast with his ire
mendous feet and protuberant ankles,
and he used TO attribute this deiorInity
not to Nature but 10 the poverty Of bis
early years. When boy he used to
have no stockings, and i'll order to keep
his feet warm in winter he used 10 put
hay in his shoes. This tempted his
CALVES 10 come to eat and he never
could induce them to return. Now,
what ought te be done with THAT Irish
man, l am bad enough myself, the
dear knows, but the unhappy man who
could perpetrate the above was surely
past praying for and, like bis grand
mother Eve, could only say that the
serpent tempted him.
And now, friend little, you were kind
enough to tell me, il your letter this
week, that my squibs were relished by
many of your readers and some actually
asked who ''Quirk" was. / hope You
did not tell them that / am an elderly
man with the frosts Of many years pow
dering beautifully the few locks that
Father Time and Mrs Quirk have left
me. / hope, moreover, that you did
not betray the fact that my face is mark
ed with gravity not TO say a sourness
that renders me an object OF curious
speculation to strangers, and Of terrible
misgiyings to the numberless urchios
the training and curryiDg OF whom Is
my hapless destiny. My appearance
has excited the kind sympatbies OF Oh.
vers philanthropic old gentlemen and
romantic old maids who are now visit
ing Harper's Ferry, aud who regard me
as a man OF sad experiences and the
probable hero of some unknown tragical
romance. Were it known that it was /
that strung together the numberless abb
surdities that appear over the name Of
tsOnirk." the charm would be dispelled