The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1877-08-23
BEATING A BURGLAR.
The Night Marauder That Crept Under Miss
Johnson's Bed, and What Befeu Him.

Johnson's Bed, and What BefeI1 Him.
from the New York Times.l
Miss johnson, of Evanston, n. Y,
beng an unmarried lady, not wholly
unconnected with the milliners trade,
and full of womanly independence, re-
sides entirely alone in small house con-
tanning but three rooms-a kitchen,
shop and bedroom.
1t was about II o'clock last Friday
night, when Miss johnson stopped down
and looked under her bed for possible
man, precisely as she had done on ten
thousand previous nights. Whether she
was, or was not, astonished at perceiving
large-slzed man lying under the bed,
with the back of his head toward her,
will never be known, but, at any rate,
she gave no sign of establishment, and
did not even inform the man that she
saw him. On the contrary, she resumed
with great elaboration the nocturnal
twisting OF her back hair, and even soft
~ hummed "Hold the Fort with as
much dlstinctness as could be expected
OF a woman while holding comb be-
tween her teeth. Her back hair being
finally finished, she opened her window,
turned down the lamp until it gave forth
dim and modest light, and then stepped
gracefully into bed, but not to sleep.
That sagacious woman was perfectly
well aware that the man under the bed,
not suspecting that he had been discov-
cred, would creep forth with the view to
plumber as soon as he found that she
was asleep. The bedstead stood In the
corner of the room, and from the posi-
ton OF the man it was plain that he
would creep out at the side of the bed.
Miss johnson, therefore, changed her
usual manner of composing herself to
rest, and lay, as she subsequently ex-
pressed it, "flat as pan cake" with
her head projecting over the side of the
bed at the precise locality where she ex-
pected the man to appear. For at least
half an hour she lay perfectly still watch
ing for the man with stealthy vigilance
that would have done credit to an astute
and experienced cat. Not muscle or a
hairpin of her frame moved, and her
breathing was as low and regular as that
of profound sleeper. At length the
man, confident that she was asleep, soft
~ began to worm himself from under
the bed, moving after the manner pre-
scribed by way of penalty to the original
serpent OF the Garden of Eden. Little
did he imagine that a pair Of pitiless
gray eyes were waiting for the appear
ance OF his head, while a pair Of 1.-the
and nervous hands were ready to pounce
upon his ears. It was not many min
~
denly caught in an memorable grasp, and
his head began to oscillate with remarka-
bic speed between the floor and the edge
of the bedstead.
Won Moltke himself could not have
surpassed Miss Johnson's tactics. She
had the man completely at her mercy,
and he was as helpless as though his
head were in the stocks. At first his
captor maintained grim silence, but
after she had bumped him sufficiently to
ease her mind she addressed him upon
the wickedness and folly of seeking to
rob her. In vain did the man protest
that his motives. were innocent; that he
had mistaken the house, and had merely
intended to take a quiet nap under his
own bedstead. where the flies could not
find him. Miss johnson sternly told
him that he could not make her believe
any such nonsense, and that she would
'let him know" and would also "show
him" These threats were carried out
by a renewal of the humping process,
until the man yelled for mercy so loudly
that the neighbors were aroused, and
rushed to Miss Johnson's house with the
firm conviction that gang of burglars
had murdered that excellent woman, and
were quarreling over the division of her
spoils. It was not until a strong force,
armed with clubs and hatchets, had reck-
lessly entered the room that Miss John
son surrendered her captive, with the
remark that the sooner they took them
selves off the better, and that if any
other man would Like to hide under her
bed, she was entirely ready to knock
little sense into him.