St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1877-08-03
Squibs.

A merchant In provincial town III
Scotland had a habit of saying at
might hae been waur" to everything
that was told him, however sad the sto-
ry might be. A neighbor, thinging he
would knock the wind out of him, one
morning said: ''Man, had an awful
dream last night SAY, what did ye
dream p II dreamed that l was in
hell" at might hae been waur." "How
could it hae been waur p ''If it had
been a reality"
On the outgoing steamers converse
ton is often of cosmopolitan nature.
A Boston merchant on a recent trip was
considerably impressed by the earnest
ness of German passenger. America"
said the returning Teuton, sis der best
country in der world. l haf lived dere
more as den years, and failed vive times,
and now | goes to lif nit fortune and
my vamily.n- .n-BOStOn Commercial Bul-
letiR.
'Please make yourself quite at 'ome,
General" observes the hOspitable Brit
ish aristocrat to General Grant. "Put
your legs right hup on the table and
spit hon the floor, just as you do in
Hamerica. Never mind the carpet.
Hand by all means whittle the chair
with your jack-knife. Hi know you
must feel like it-you all whittle your
furniture in Hamerica. I'm sorry hi
'aven't cocktail or 'corpse-reviver
to offer you, but we don't know 'Ow to
make them ERE. Do make yourself
comfortable, and don't stand on cere-
mony."
A sweet little creature sat next me at
the first recital of Chopin's music given
by Nine. Essipoff. During the pathet-
ic ''Marche Funebren from the sonata,
opus 35, her attention was fixed, as if
the music had entranced her very soul.
Her eyes glistened with emotion, and
her whole face was expressive of admi-
ration and excitement. When the pi-
anist had finished, the gentleman who
was with this sweet little creature turn
ed to her and said: elbow beautiful !"
To which she replied, ''Yes, indeed
doesn't it fit her exquisitely in the back ?
How much do you suppose it cost a
yard ?"
Spanish robbers are very polite. An
Englishman was accOsted on a lonely
road by rutfian. Sir" said he, ''you
have my coat on may l trouble you for
it?" The Englishman drew pistol,
and told the fellow he was mistaken.
"Sir," said the robber, II perceive that
1 am. Will you do me the honor to
communicate your name, that l may
remember it in my prayers :"
When a visitor enters the sanctum it
is better than a whole sermon on hu-
man nature to see the editor, with a
beautiful air of Inconsistencies, slip all
the lead pencils into drawer and put
the penknife into his pOcket.-Burling
ton HaWkeye.
Mr.. Spyker has a boy who "nails"
things. One day he remarked, in the
presence of both parents: "Ma, l saw
pa kiss you in the wOOdshed last even
ing" 'Hush, Johnnie your pa never
committed such foolish act ~ eyes,
he did, ma cause l thought it was
Jane, and Jane says it wasn't her, but
youw
The most melancholy season of the
year is when we have dog days and cat
nights.
Pretty nearly all men are benevolent
when it don't cost much. Tom Jones
never sees poor John Smith suffer but
he thinks Sam Rogers ought to help
him.
One of the lady clerks in the interior
department, being incorrectly told that
she must pronounce "Schurz" like
"shirts," replied ''if he is Shirts we
clerks ale under-shirts."
Those who dance should not forget
to remember that the fiddler must have
his compensation. Strikers would do
well to make note of ''this 'ere obser-
vation, the bearin' of which lies in the
application of it,"
The LoDGING-HoUsE CAT SUPPRESSED
ED-Lodger: Now look here, Mrs.
Crumple. I've missed pound of tea,
a pot of jam, and half bottle of bran
dy. Now don't say it's the cat Mrs.
Crumple: Me, sir should be the last
to accuse any ybody-leastway unless it
were the ColourardO BeadLe.-FunRy
Folks.