The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1877-09-27
WHOLE NUMBER 543.
The Tale Of a Candidate.

JOuH Sdlu WAS d Qulet, uHOUtIuslNt
citizen. He didn't long for fame and re-
nown, and he didn't care five cents
whether this great and glorious country
was ruled by one-horse Republican OF
a two-horse Democrat.
He had pew in church, gave sixteen
ounces for a pound, and when man
looked him square in the eye Mr.. Cain
never took back seat. Hewas athome
at reasonable hour in the evening
never took part in the discussion, "Is
lager healthyw and many man wished
that his life rolled on as evenly and
peacefully as John Gains.
But alasl the tempter came. In an
evil hour John Cain allowed the poll
ticians to get after him and to surround
him. They said he was the strongest
man in the county; that he could scoop
out of his boots any man set up in op-
position; that his virtues were many
and his faults 0O0000; that it was his
duty to come out and take a nomination
in order that this pure and incorruptible
form of government be maintained pure
and incorruptible. All this and much
more they told him, and John Cain be-
came pufed up.
1t surprised him some to think that he
had held his peaceful way along for
forty odd years, like a knot-hole in a
barn door, without any one having dis
covered what heap of fellow he was,
but he concluded that there was new
era in politics and that it was all right
The politicians covered John Cain
with soft soap. They told him that the
canvass shouldn't cost him red, and
that he could still retire at eight every
evening and rest assured that his inter-
ests would be properly cared for. 1t
was to be a still hunt in a very quiet
election, and he would hardly know
what was going on. Johnwas an honest,
unsuspecting idiot, and he swallowed
their words as the confding fish absorbs
the baited hook.
John Cain was duly nominated and
the band came out and serenaded him.
With the band came out several hun
dred electors, who filled the Cain man.
sion to overfowing, spit tobacco allover
the house, ate and drank all they could
find, broke down the gate and went of
with three cheers for John Cain.
Before the canvass was ten days old,
half dozen men called ON Cain and
gently limited to him that he must come
down with the "sugar." He didn't
even know what sugar" wasuntil they
explained. They wanted money to
raise pole, to buy beer, to get slips
printed, and to do fifty other things
with, all for his particular benefit, and
he had to hand out the money.
In the course of another week they
drew Cain out to make a speech at a
ward meeting. He tried to claw off, but
they told him that the opposing candi.
date would run him out of sight if he
didn't come out, and he went out
When he got through speaking the
crowd drank at his expense, and Mr.
Cain was astonished at the way liquor
went down, and more astonished at the
way the bills footed up. He didn't
reach home until midnight, and for the
first time in his life he was going to bed
with his boots on. His wife wouldn't
speak to him, the hired girl left the
house to save her character, and John
Cain wished that the politicians had lei
him alone.
More men came and crooked their fin
gers at him and whispered "sugar.'
They wanted money to buy some doubt
full votes, and to hire four-horse teams
and to mail his slips, and he had to come
down. He hesitated about it, but they
told him that the opposing candidate
felt sure of victory, and that acted ass
spur.
There was hardly night that from
fourteen to two hundred and forty
friends did not call on Mr.. Cain to in
form him as to the prospects" The,
drank up the currant wine Mrs. Cail
had laid by for sickness, emptied he
preserve jars, and there wasn't morn
ing that she couldn't sweep out forty O
fifty cigar stubs and peck of mud
They all told Cain that he would bea
the other man SC. far out of sight that
would take carrier pigeon to find him
and he couldn't very well refuse to G
over to the corner grocery and "set Zen
up" for the boys.
The crisis finally came. On the ev
of the election Mr.. Gains friends calle,
for sugar" again, and he had to suga
'em. A big crowd called to warn hin
he would certainly be elected, and tn
saloon bill was twenty-eight dollar
more. Thirteen or fourteen men shoe
hands with his wife, a hundred or NOR
shook hands with him, and he had t
get up and declare that he didn't favo
women's rights, and that he did; tha
he was down on whisky, and yet love
it as a beverage; that he wanted tn
currency inflated, and yet favored speci
payments; he favored the civil right
bill, and yet didn't; and in his brie
speech Mrs. Cain counted twenty-seve
straight lies besides the evasions. Nj
Cain wanted to hold popular views, an
he had to be on all sides at once.
On the day of election they dragge
him from poll to poll, stopping at a
the saloons on the way: he had to max
two hundred and ffty-six thousan
promises, pull his wallet out until
was as fat as wafer. drink lager wit
some and cold water with others, an
when night came he went home an
tried to hug the hired girl, called Mr.
Cain his dear old rhinoceros, and fe
over the cradle, and went to sleep wit
his head under the stove.
When Mr.. Cain arose in the mornin
and became sober enough to read th
election returns he found he had SCOPE
'em as follows:
Opposing candidate. 4
John
Gains majority lin a horn) ....-........-... so
Mr. Cain went out and sat down III
der an apple tree in the back yard, an
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