The herald and mail. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1873-188?, 1877-05-18
FACTS AND FANCIRS.

HOPELESS case-The full grown young
man who calls his mother his NAV. D
his father his "paw."
"CHILD, haven't 1 told Won not tn
stand so much before the glass ?'' " Why.
mother, you told me to read and reflect.
| have been reading and now 1 am re-
fectiDg."
A GERMAN humorist remarks that
=" Baker has discovered the sources of the
Nile; they lie far to the seuth--a good
deal further to the south than he has dis
covered them"
A sPINsTER lady of fifty years re-
marked lately that she could 60 alone at
six months old. "Yes," said her hateful
half-brother, "and you have been going
alone ever SINCE"
THE Hawkeye man saws: GA gifted
contributor sends us a poem beginning
"Open the door to the children" You'd
better, if you don't want all the paint
kicked of the panels"
Why, Sammy" said a father TO his
little son lately, Il didn't know that
your teacher whipped you Friday" "I
guess" replied Sammy, off you had
been in my trowsers you'd know'd it."
JOHN ADAMS wrote in l777: "Gen.
Washington sets a fine example. He has
banished wine from his table, and enter.
tains his friends with rum and water.
This is much to the honor of his wisdom,
his policy, and his patriotism"
How many of you ale there?" asked
voice from an upper window of a sere-
nading party. "Four," was the reply.
Divide that among you," said voice,
as bucket of slops fell, "like the gentle
dew of heaven on those beneath"
Post says: "The truth is, cats have
quently than dogs. But cats with
hydrophobia are not dangerous like dogs.
A mad cat retires to the most secret dark
hole it can find, and dies there. If
molested it may bite; but it attacks no
person or animal so long as tits let alone"
A BISHOP lately ordained young gen.
tleman as deacon, and then felt it neces-
sary to send for the clergyman who had
recommended him. What may your
lordrhip want with me?'' "I wish, sir, to
speak about that young man." What
young man, your lordshipW The
young man, sir, whom / ordained. l
want you to keep him in check; had
SIedI ullhCulGgJ SlIJ III hSSIlhB hin liOh
examining me-"
As a fond mother when the day is DER,
Leads by the hand her little child 70 bed,
Half willing, half reluctant to be led.
And leaves his broken playthings on the floor,
Still gs zing at them through the open door,
Nor wholly reassuTed and cOmfOrted
By promises OF others in their stead,
Which, though more splendid may not please
him more:
So Nature deals with u.s. and iakee away
Our playthings one by one, and by the hand
so gently,
Scarce knowing II we wish TO go or stay
Being too full of sleep to understand
How far the unknown transcends the what
know.
A YOUNG married couple of Montrose
Iowa, who had lived together for some
years, concluded they would he happier
apart. Accordingly they had their
effects sold at auction and divided the pro-
ceeds. Before parting TO go their several
ways, the man advanced to shake hands
with his wife, but she waived him of,
saying, "Go along; I've had enough of
you"
NIGHT before last tired, discouraged
man out on North Hill went home and
flung himself down on lounge, and said
90 he wished he were dead, dead, dead"
In two hours he was writhing in a pre-
mature and unreasonable attack of
cholera morbus, and howled, and prayed,
and sweat, and had four doctors in the
house, and drank a quart of medicine,
and had a mustard plaster smeared all
over him, and wept, and said he wasn't
half tended to, and he believed they
would like to see him die.-H1lCkeye.
HERE is an English public-school boys
meditation on the subject of Conceit:"
" Conceit is a very bad thing. Some
people are conceited about their name,
family pedigree or anything else. This
also is conceit. Women also are mostly
COZ ceited, also about their hair, eyes and
teeth, and anything else. Conceit is also
very bad" The author of the above gem
is as much at home in the fields of Wig
1rous and picturesque description as in
,he regions subtle and metaphysical
analysis, as witnesseth this thrilling epi-
ode on g A shipwreck" Picture to
yourselves the poor sailors and the men
he women and the children, also the
clinging tentatiously to the
nasts and the roaring billowsV