The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1877-07-05
PASSING SMILES.

HANDSAW is goOQ tmng; Dut a
razor is better to shave with.
"AN eel is not as slippery as you are,
but 1t can live on water longer" as the
fisherman said to the politician.
BOY writhing in the agonies of his
first summer stone bruise, said he felt
as though he had stepped ON jumpin'
toothache.
Now we know all about it. A Phila-
delphia paper says: The diurnal fisseros-
trail birds of the family hirundinid8 are
commonly called swallows.
Frogs, frogs, beautiful frogs,
Spear them out of the swanps and bogs,
Carefully cut off the parts that are latter,
Fry them done brown when you We dipped them
in batter. -FuhOn Times.
EVERY Turkish soldiers ambition is
to grow a mustache as big as gray
squirrels tail. When that has been ac-
complished he is a great soldier.
PORTLAND has an old woman who was
killed in bed by falling plaster. Her
fate was of herown ceiling.-Puck. And
it was real mortar-fying, wasn't it?
The American giantess is dead, but
the recollection of how she kicked a
Michigan photographer over the cage of
hyenas will never be entirely effaced.
IT rather pleases one, in taking up a
Texas paper and reading an account of
Rattle for a double-barreled shot
gum" to find that the Rev. Mr.. was
the winner.
THE young man who cannot afford to
keep his girl stuffed full of ice-cream
and strawberries can invite her into the
garden and show her how to Gull the
spOrtive potato-bug.
"THERE is place for everything and
everything in its place, :" runs the prov
erb, but we defy any person to find a
place for the feet of a long-legged man
at crowded dinner party.
FULTON Times: There is a limit to
everything but the destruction that fol-
lows the course of mans big toe when
he gets it through hole in the bed-quilt,
and is suddenly attacked by the night
mare.
THE man who about house-clean-
ing times sells to you irst-class furni-
ture polish will in day or two have the
same article for sale at the seaside as
an infallible remedy for the removal of
freckles.
"IF have stupid son." pompously
announced Captain Smith, of the army,
cpl make a parson of him." You
don't intend to follow your fathers ex-
ample, then," remarked the Rev. Mr..
Brown.
THERE are many followers of the
cynic who wrote: "Our curate's eyes
my daughters praise l can not tell if
they're divine; for when he prays he
closes them, and when he breaches, l
shut mine"
AND now scientific publication warns
the public against using modern tinware
for cooking purposes. Things will soon
get to such a pass that the only safe way
will be to take out victuals raw and eat
them from a chip.
A FACETIoUsb boy asked one of his play
mates how a hardware dealer differed
from a bootmaker? The latter, some
what puzzled, gave it up. Why" said
the other, "because the one sold the nails,
and the other nailed the soles."
AUNT EMILY (who thinks that two's
company and three's none -" thought
mama told you, before she went out, to
go down stairs for the present, Mabel
Mabel (who thinks three better than
onel l-"Well, and so did; but didn't
find the present, so here l am again"
| Ih1NuS.
Better to smell the violet COOL than sip the glowing
wine;
Better to bark hidden brook than watch diamond
shine.-OH Time Poet.
Better to taste the lager beer than smell the empty
, Better to kiss pretty girl, than wink at homey
lass-NoTTiSt0trR Herald
Better to have your breeches patched than owe fol
, another pair;
weather is fair.-Ftth0n Times.
: Better to a happy SMILE than go through life
with sigh;
Better to bet single pair, than risk it ace
high.-OH City Cal.
Better to run /" daily paper" than drive behind
cart;
Better to have the stomach ACHE than ache within
. your heart.-Cdn,den Post.
Better to laugh DER your own good luck, than weeI
Better boil on your neighbor's leg than a wart OF
, your own fair nose.-BWlingtOn Hdck-Eye.
= WHEN there isnot breath of air stir.
S ring, and you are in danger of sitting
: attempt to Hghta cigar out doors and yoI
| will be surprised at the breeze that viii
start up. We have seen a man try thi
E experiment in dead calm, and by the
E time he had scratched his thirteenth
e match, it was really so windy as to bs
r uncomfortable.
BROOKLYN women seek divorce on
very slight pretext Mrs. Pratt, of thai
: city, asks a legal separation from he
L husband because he flung pitcher a
her, hit her with lighted kerosen,
d lamp, drew a. knife across her neck ant
E threatened to cut her throat, threw
glass bottle at her, stuck fork in he
leg, poured hot tea over her, hit her il
the back with bootjack, and refused t.
, give her money to go to circus.
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