Connecticut western news., 1877-03-02
HUMOROUS.
AGooap ssroRfly is bold Iof.aa frishalan

HUMOROUS. @"''''~'a' '
 AGoop lSToRY is told ofan Trishnaan who gave evidence. before a Fishery Commission on the west coast of Ire land. Amongst other questions, The seemed rather discursive, and inclined to aver anything, one of the commits sioners asked him eff they had many whales there." ''Is it whales ?'' ques- toned Pat. "Sure ye may see m by the dozen, spouting about like wather-- engines all over the place." Another commissioner gravely asked if there were many dogtish. "Dogs, begorra! Faix, ye'd say so lad ye passed the night here; sure we can't slape for the barkin' of them." Lastly, one of the other commissioners asked eff flying fish abounded." The answer was, 'Arrah, an if Se didn't put the shut ters up every night, there wouldn't be a whole pane of glass left in the house, for the cratures bateing against thim." This finished the sitting, and the next day Pat. came to ask for his expenses, exclaiming, in extension of them, tsSure now, honey, didn't swear to every thing ye axed me?"
 COMPANION VoLUMEs.-A lady of a religious turn of mind residing in the country was anxious to present her nephew who was going to sea with some slight testimony of her affection, and decided, if she. could obtain it, to give him pious work, known as 'eThe Con- panion to the Altar" But the nearest town was nine miles off, so she walked over to the neighboring village and in- quired for the work at the general shop, which combined groceries, haber- dashery, and the postotlice, with 8 little bookselling. The proprietor replied that he thought he possessed the book, but after running his fingers along his shelf he turned around and said: "I am sorry to say that have not got it, madame; but here is work. of the same class, the Guide to Courtship and Marriage,' if that will suit you" This is by no means bad for a village.-Lon- don Examiner.
 A MOTHER. IN-LAw.-She had suc- ceeded in marrying her son, and natur- ally undertook the management of his household. s's~% s- a.ys -s3-. s
 Presently the son died, but she con- tinued to advise direct, and worry gen. erally her daughter in law.
 Then the daughter-in-law married again, but still the old lady insisted on bossing things.
 A friend essayed to convince her that she could have no possible right to interfere,-that the new husband was nothing to her.
 "Nothing?" she cried, Che nothing to me? Why, am I not his step-mother- in-law on his wife's sidep"
 Skl l. G.; T tlreir last cigar, while the family tabbv -"lit by the chaste beams of the watery moon"-was Cat home'' upon the neighboring shed, sshave you much of that sort of music?'' s'Yes," answered Benedict, as his gaze followed refec- lively the final wreath which "so grace fully curled" toward the ceiling, "yes, good deal; Thomas is prolific com poser; think that must be o-puss 999." :" SHERIDAN being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room as all the members were seated and ready to commence business. Perceiving no empty seat he bowed, and looking around the table with droll expression of countenance, said, "Will any gentle man move that 1 may take the chair p
 IT WAS Pope who used to swear "God mend me-" and, swearing his favorite oatn one day in the presence of a little boy, the boy looked at the diminished and misshapen form of the great poet, and said: s'God mend you, indeed! l think it would be q good deal easier to make a new one." ss ss
 ssMAMMA," 1isped the beautiful Sera- | -.I,s oI, appeared at the breakfast table with her hair in curl papers, ''do you think Russian soldiers will trample on the Turkish corn because they consider il an x-crescent's.?" $
 A GENTLEMAN was examining an um- brella and commenting upon it's fine quality. "Yes," said a person present
 'he fancies everything he sees.'' "And," added a third party ,s"is in. clined to seize everything he fancies." /"
 DRINK, Pretty Creature, Drink Alice-"Do you know, uncle, that horrid MT. Binks declares you have taken to hard drinking?"
 Uncle George-''Not true, my dear, No! Never drank easier in my life!'' | DING S1NG,' shouted the brakeman, as a Hudson River train slowed up to that station. t'Five years for refresh ments,'' yelled passenger with short hair and bracelets, as he rose to leave the car in charge of deputy sheriff. A FEW YEARS since, at the celebration of an anniversay, a poor peddler who was present, being called upon for a toast, offered the following g:-"Here is a health to poverty-it sticks to a man when all his friends forsake him.' A CHILD had been taken to funeral. On coming home it says, s'Mother, who were those men holding those cords ?" Pall-bearers, my love-" "When l grow up I'll be pall-bearer." "Why ?" "So's I'll be buried last"
 THE unlucky captain of New Bed- | ford mackerel smack says he doesn't | want any more geometry in his. The | fishing season coming round he went out for try-angle and brought back a wreck-tangle.
 AN EXCHANGE says that "woman is like tar; only melt her, and she will take any form you please." She is not unfrequently Tartar also; only get her and you will take any form she pleases.
 A BOY, WHO heard that despot was q nersnn who ruIe6 with a rod of irop