Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1877-03-21
HUMOROUS.

| HUMOROUS.
| A RUSSIAN General borrowed a sun
from jew, giving his note. On pay.
day the note was duly presented. 81
have no money now" ;" said the Russian
'eat the torn bits of this note up" The
money-lender did so and went home
Next day the Russian returned the
money to its owner. Subsequently, the
Russian desired another loan, hard
pressed by his military expenses, and
again appealed to the same Jew, re-
questing him to bring the sum with the
relative due bill. So it was done. "This
is the money" said the lender. "Well,
and where is the paper?" "Here,"
replied Abraham, rendering huge link
of sausage-of beef.
On ONE occasion when Henri Monnier
was acting in the provinces terrible
storm came up just before the hour an
nounced for the performance to begin,
and when the curtain rose the audience
was found to consist of one solitary
man. Nowise disconnected, MOnnier
advanced to the footlights and addressed
the public; Excuse me, sir, but would
you mind coming up here and sitting
on the stage? 1t will fatigue my voice
less if you are close beside me, and you
can see just as well. Or what do YOU
say TO our closing the theatre and going
to the cafe next door to play dominoes p"
"WHY doesn't this fire keep up?'
asked Chicago husband pettishly, as
he pranced around half-dressed and
furtively poked the stove CRATE late one
bitter morning.
"It's so much like you," piped out
his wife, from her warm bed.
Like mel" exclaimed he, stopping
in his work, Show so?''
Because" said she. roguishly, s'it
,oili go out nights.''
He mumbled something to himself
and returned to his work.
WHY He WEPT.-A meek-looking
stranger was sitting on the station plat
form reading newspaper, last evening,
when he suddenly let it fall from his
nands, and burst into tears. "What is
your grief, my dear sir?" hastily asked
an astonished and sympathetic by
stander. The afflicted man looked up
with eyes streaming. STRANGER" he
gasped, ''do you know that there hain't
a single ex-President alive ?" and again
he bowed his head and wept.
A COLLEGE STUDENT lately returned
from country town where he had been
teaching, and brought with him an ex-
ample which seems to illustrate the
fallacy of "object-teaching." One of
his young pupils spelled go X" but
could not pronounce it. The teacher
pointed to a picture of the object i'm
question as hint to its pronunciation,
whereat the little fellow exclaimed in a
triumphant tone, "Steer."
IT Is noticeable that the cat who
mounts the ridge-pole of the woodhouse
and sits apart at the concert, and is
wrapped in thoughtful distracted
silence until the programme is about
half through, opens out, when he does
come in, with wall that curdles the
blood in frozen beet and rouses all
the other members of the troupe to an
agony of frenZied emulation.
''THAT bed is not long enough for
me-" said very tall, gruff English
man, upon being ushered into his bed
room by an Irish waiter at one of our
hotels. "Faith an you'll find it plenty
long, sir, when you get into it," was
the reply; 'for then there'll be two feet
added to it," and Pat, closely followed
by boot-toe, retired.
n KIND-HEARTRD clergyman asked a
convict how he came TO be in Jail. The |
fellow said with tears in his eyes that
ne was coming home from prayer meet !
ng, and sat down to rest, fell asleep. !
md while he was asleep there the |
county built the Jail around him, and /
when he awoke the jailer refused to |
ct him out.
"DoN'T put too much confidence in a /
overs vows and sighs," said Mrs. Part /
ngton TO her niece; "iet him tell you /
hat you have lips like strawberries and |
,ream, cheeks like tarnation, and ewes
Ike an asterisk; bur such thinks oftener
'ome from tender head than a tender
leart."
81 USED 10 put the seal of affection on
ny wife's lips when We were first mar
led, said adisconsolate benedict, sbut
low L have to put the seal (skin) of
Election on her back. The new kind
osts more, but it can't begin to COM
'ete with the other for solid comfort"
Two SABLE philosophers took shelter
nder the same tree during heavy
hover. After some time, one of them
that he felt the rain. s.Neber
lind," replied the other, ''dere's plenty
f trees. When dis un is wet through
'e'll 60 TO de ODER
HERE is good business like epitaph:
Here lies Jane Smith, wife of Thomas
NTH, marble cutter. This monument
'as erected by her husband as tribute
her memory and a specimen of his
'Ork. Monuments of the same style.
go"
a CHICAGO MAN who attended
rowded revival meeting there lately,
,els confident that he would have laid ]
old on salvation if his washerwoman
admit put so much starch in the collar
and of his shirt.
"GORRY, ole man," said shivering
arkey, covering over the glowing
pals on the hearth, "what de good old
ymn says is fac. 'Dese embers as
leasant as May" .
A LITTLE GIRL, to whom her father
xplained that bantam chickens might ,
: recognized by their feather stock :
Igs, wanted to know if the hens wore h
irters.
A FASHIONABLE but illiterate lady,
no was travelling on the continent, i'm :
riting to friend, said she Just seen
lie museum of iniquities," in Greece.
''BIoGRAPHYs are delitesome reading.
e kumpare all the virtews of the Der I
ms karakter with our own, and ali biz a
ilings with our nabOrs. ."-BilliR0s. L
ONE who knows how it is herself C
Us; "The man who is awfullly urbane o
his wife before strangers is generally !,
so her bane behind their backs ~ q
NOTICING in the sand a footprint c