Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1877-01-04
THE HER A Id.
Smiler's Health-Lift.

They are in the midst of big
lawsuit IN neighboring village be-
tween DIR. Smiler and the rest OF the
population Of.the town. The Doc
tor, it seems, had large tank plac-
ed on the top of his house, from
which 10 supply his bathrooms and
20 forth, with water. The water
had to be pumped up abont fifty
feet from the cistern in the yard,
and the Doctor found it to be pref
~ good sized job, which would
cause him constant expense. So,
after thinking the matter over care
fully, one day an idea struck him.
He built room over the cistern and
put the word "Sanitarium" over the
door. Then be concealed the pump
machinery beneath the floor, and he
rugged up q kind of complicated ap'
paratus with handles and hinges and
crank, so that man By standing
in the middle of the machine and
pulling the handle up and down
would operate that pump.
Then the Doctor got out circulars
and published advertisements about
''Smiler's Patent Health-Lift," and
he secured testimonials from thou
sand or so of people who agreed that
the health lift was the only hope for
the physical salvation of the human
race. Presently people began to call
TO see about it, and Smiler would
rush them out to the "Sanitarium"
aud set them to Jerking the handles.
And when a customer had pulled up
fifty gallons or SO, Smiler would
charge him quarter and tell him
that three months OF that kind OF
thing would give him muscles like a
prize.tghter.
And he would push the PROJECT
with his patients. If man was bill
ious, or had the toothache, or was
afflicted with rheumatism, or Group,
or measles, or yellow fever, Smiler
would turn him in at the health-lift
and get quarter each time. The
thing being a popular thing he had
to enlarge his tank and get smaller
pump; and be not only got all his
pumping dong for nothing, but the
people who lid it paid him about fif-
teen hundred dollars year for their
privilege. II began to look like an
uncommonly soft thing, and every
body was contented and happy.
One day, however, old Mr.. Magin-
mis-, who had been practicIng at the
heaIth-lift every day for months in
order to cure himself of Indigestion,
TANNED the handles down little
too hard, and broke the board upon
which he was standing. As the
board gave away it plunged Mr..
Maginnis into the cistern, and ust
Us he was sinking for the third time
Smiler f4hed him out with hook
on the end Of the clothes prop. AS
soon as the water was drained out
Of him, Maginnis said
al didn't know you had cstern
upder the door. What did you 90
that for o.
why, to keep the air moist. It's
healthier than dry air"
alt looked TO me as il there was
some kind of pump under there.
"Oh no." said SmiIer, There are
only the levers of the lift"
Mighty queer, said Miginnis in a
thoughtful way. "If that isn't a
pump then don't know one when |
see it,"
SO few days later Miginnis came
around with lot of other patients
and found the Doctor out They de-
termined to investigate. They pull
led up couple of boards and as
certained the fact about that pump.
They cross examined Smiler's ser
want girl, and learned about the
truth, and then they went homo
mad. \ consultation was held, at
which every bilious And rheumatic
individual who had been working the
Doctors pump used violent language
and talked about murder AID sudden
death. Finally they resolved to pros
ecute Smiier for damages and OBJ
tanning money under false pretense
1t is believed 3y good Judges that
by the time the court gets through
with SmiICr that will be about the
unheaIthiest lift for him he was ever
interested in.