St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1877-01-05
Mark Twain's Speech at the N. E.
Dinner.
The Oldest Inhabitant-The Weather
Who hath lost and doth forget it9
Who hath it still and doth regret it7
''Interpose betwixt us TlUdin"

Who hath lost and doth forget it9
Who hath it still and doth regret it7
lnterpose betwixt us Train"
Merchant of Venice.
reverently believe that the Maker
who makes us all makes everything in
New England but the weather. don't
know who makes that, but l think it
must be raw apprentices in the wealth
er-clerk's factory who experiment and
learn how, in New England, for board
and clothes, and then are promoted to
make weather for countries that require
IA good article and will take their Gus
tom elsewhere if they don't get it.
There is sumptuous variety about
the New England weather that compels
the strangers admiration-and regret.
The weather is always doing something
there always attending strictly to
signs and trying them on the people to
see how they will go. But it gets
through more business in spring than
in any other season. In the spring, 1
have counted 1876 different kinds of
weather inside of four-and-twenty
hours.
1t was that made tie fame and for
tune of that man that had the marvel
at the centennial that so astOunded the
foreigners. He was going to travel all
over the world and get specimens from
all the chimes. | said, "DOn't you do
it; you come to New England on ia
vOrable spring day." l told him what
we could do in the way OF style, variety
and quantity. Well, he came, and he
made his collection in four days. As
to variety why, he confessed that he
got hundreds of kinds of weather that
he had never heard of before. And as
to quantity; well, after he had picked
out and discarded all that was blemish-
ed i'll any way, he not only had wealth
er enough, but weather to spare wealth
er to hire out weather to sell; to de-
post; weather to invest; weather to
give to the poor.
The people of New England are by
nature patient and fOrbearing; but
there are some things which they will
not stand. Every year, they kill lot
of poets for writing about beautiful
Spring" These are generally casual
visitors, who bring their notions of
spring from somewhere else, and can
not, of course, know how the natives
feel about spring. And so, the first
thing they know, the opportunity to
inquire how they feel has permanently
gone by.
Old Probabilities has mighty repu-
tatiOn for accurate prophecy, and thor
Oughly well deserves it. You take up
! the paper and observe how crisply and
confidently he checks off what tO-day's
weather is going to be, on the Pacific
down SOuth-in the middle states-in
the Wisconsin region-see him sail
along in the joy and pride of his power
till he gets to New England-and then
see his tail drop. He doesn't know
what the weather is going to be in New
England. He can't any more tell than
he can tell how many presidents of the
United States there's going to be, next
year. Well, he mulls over it, and, by
and by, he gets out something like this
Probable nOI'east to sou'west winds,
varying to the southland and westward
and BASTARD and points between; high
and low barometer, swapping around
from place to place; probable areas of
rain, snow, hail and drouth, succeeded
or preceded by earthquakes, with
thunder and lightning. Then he iots
down this postscript from his wandering
mind, to cover accidents: "But it is
possible that the program may be iUhoIly
changed IN the mean time"
Yes, one of the brightest gems in the
New England weather is the dazzling
uncertainty of it. There is only one
thing certain about it: You are certain
there is going to be plenty of weather.
perfect grand Ieview-but you never
can tell which end of the procession is
going to move first. You fix up for the
drouth; you leave your umbrella in the
house, and sally out with your sprink-
ling-pot, and ten to one you get
drowned you make up your mind that
the earthquake is due; you stand from
under, and take hold of something to
steady yourself, and, the first thing
you know, you get struck by lightning.
These are great disappointments. But
they can't be helped. The lightning
there is peculiar it is so convincing;
when it strikes thing, it doesn't leave
enough of that thing behind for YOU to
tell whether-well, you'd think it was
something valuable, and a congress-
man had been there. And the thunder.
When the thunder merely commences
to tune up, and scrape and saw, and
ance, strangers say, "Why, what awful
thunder you have here!n But when
the baton is raised, and the real con-
cert begins, you'll find that stranger
down in the cellar with his head in the
ash barrel. Now as to the size of the
weather in New England-length ways,
meant is utterly disproportioned to
the size of that little country. Half the
time, when it is packed as full as it
can stick, you will see that New Eng
land weather sticking out beyond the
edges and projecting around, hundreds
and hundreds of miles, over the neigh
boring states. She can't hold a tenth
part of her weather. You can see
cracks all about, where she has strained
herself trying to do it.
could speak volumes about the in
human perversity of the New England
weather, but l will give but a single
specimen. l like to hear rain on a tin
roof. So l covered part of my roof
with tin, with an eye to that luxury.
Well, sir, do you think it ever rains on