The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1877-02-03

Amost all towns Of any Importance through
out the United States are blessed with hav-
ing in their midst men well qualified to act
as auctioneers, funeral organizers, men to use as
the standing committee to receive all delega-
tons to their midst, &C.. but Ottawa is without
a rival tie place for iirstclass orators and ex-
Founders of Blackstone and Chitty. There is
something about these men that you will not
find in the ordinary orator, and, being Of the
charitable kind, they are free to impart to the
uneducatcd enough brain thought TO fill book
four feet long and two wide. We met one the
other day, and he addressed us in this wise:
|" Young man, nature has thrown a mantle of
satin around your manly form Ga 1850 overcoat
lined with back porch carpet and endowed you
with mind-if cultivated-that will enable you
to climb the highest gooseberry bush in exist
ence, and assist you to unearth the dark and
deep mysteries pertaining to the exact force of
a kick from well-fcd mule" Now that amt
very bad for man who was raised in Pennsyl-
yauia, and the nearest railroad being q miles
from his home! See this table Of remuneration
for his services during this last campaign:
Twenty -four letters OF congratuatiOn,-payin
the postage himsef,-one hundred miles Of trav-
cl--most Of it with tOrch-to Marseiiles, Wed.
ron, Utica, Dayton, White Bridge-at the latter
place he held an open air meeting, as this is the
terminus of the canal,-four volumes of patent
right reports, complimentarics to see all the
shows-post bills, IA country suppcrs, II colec-
tions-most all eggs-amounting to sir, one
extra white O. shirt loaned him while in Sand.
wch, he having checked his trunk one station
to far ii ntroductions to the fairest and latest
Did maids there are in La Sale county, &C. &c.
Who wouldn't brace up' and sniff the free
/ ,ir with more impunity if he was the possessor
II all these rare and rich gifts, even if old maids
be plenty? Show us the man that would not
\ brewer break the bands that held him to q
fecklcd companion to be the owner OF such an
: account and we will learn you how to scratch
tie middle Of your back without using the edge
d the door frame. And this is not all, an orator
an wear q straw hat all Writer and no one will
wen suspect that it is all the one he hast is a
leaf and dumb Introduction to strangers They
ire very quick at thought-they will accept an
invitation for dinner quicker than a turkey viii
latch a fly. We asked one Of these convertible
aw.openers to write us q few lines on the death
81 distinguished member of the Pork and Bean
Secret Society OF Center Ottawa, and he pro-
ducec this: How sad it is to record the
dcath Of one who had talents that would have
been useful to him and mankind if he had but
rightly used them, but he gave himself up to
pleasure, and died with his system full of undi-
gested beans and enough fat pork TO grease all
the wagons Of Barnum's mammoth hippodrome."
Should you need the services of one of these
saints you can find him at any of the free en-
Itcrtainments, or the first one to fill up the ex-
ira hack after the mourners and relatives are
Supplied at funeral. Charges moderate.
A. SUI FERER.