Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1877-05-04
Ell II :.

FU N
OUT OF HIS ELEMENTAL good old
colored man named Uncle Jim Hill set
himself up the other day as phrenolo-
gist, and a barber was his first subject. He
placed the barber on chair, felt his head
for long time, and then remarked:
civilian, you is too sanguine. When you
lend money you expect it back. You are
bilious. You want to be honest, but you
hasn't the necessary character; you isn't
hopeful; you is bowed down with grief
most of the time; you has an ear for
music; you has de worst feet on Ken
lucky street; you is de right sort OF a
man to wheel coal down hill for big
wages.'' William rose up, pitched Uncle
Jim over the stove and under the bed, and
split panel of the door as he went out.
The aged phrenologist was at the city
hall the next evening to get advice from
the police, and when advised to go out
of the trade, he replied: 'sSeems like l
shall have to, for I'ze getting too aged
to be frowed over cook stoves.''
A Washington letter-writer says Miss
Waite, daughter of the Chief Justice, has
the ''rare faculty. of being able to talk to
several people at once. RarAfaculty! Oh,
ignoramus, did you never hear woman
on moving day tell the drayman how to
carry the bureau down stairs, scream in
structions to the woman taking up o.
pets, yell at the boy packing the q
telling the hired girl what to do w4e32f
tinware and stove furniture, shrek
husband into cold sweat for emptying !
half bushel of SCOT out of the stove pipe
on the parlor floor, sniff at the woman
across the street who wasn't going to
move and was looking on, and scold seven
children for nine different things, with
one and the same wag of her flexible
tongue2 Rare faculty, indeed!
There is stage-struck poultry dealer in
Detroit, and the following dialogue occur
red between him and customer:
SLOW much you wants for dat goose?"
'Twelve shillings."
''Twellef snellln'! Mem Gott Vat you
takes me for? Before pays you twellef
shillin' do mitout some goose. I gift you
ten shillin'.1
s'Ten shillings! Perish the thought.
That noble bird has played with NV rcnil
dren for ten years, and is ends6led to my
family by thousand asso Citations. Sell
her for less than dollar and a half. New
err ~
In conversing about the days of slavery
IN the South with his sweetheart, the
other evening, George Augustus propoun-
ded an original conundrum: Suppose
you were to be sold, sweet Angelina, Can
you tell me why the man who bought you
would have reason to regret his purchased"
s'No, she answered with play full pout.
"Because," SAID George. moving nearel :,
'syou are little dear at any price,
Couldn't tell one head from the other when
we left.
''But pass" said a minister in the West
End, last Sunday, in dismiss1ng one them e
of his subject to take up another. " Then
I make it spades % yelled Il man from the
gallery who was dreaming the happy hours
away in an imaginary game of euchre. 1t
is needless to Say that he went out on tie
next deal, being assisted by one Of the dea-
cons with handful of clubs.
The will of the rich man Of the futuie
will read: s'To the respective attorneys
Of my children I give my entire es-
tate and worldly goods Of all descriptions.
Personally to the children and to my be-
loved wife l give all That remains " This
instrument will satisfy the family and
save the trouble of proving the old mali
insane.
The first thing a young man does on
seeing friend with new hat on is to take
it off and serenely try it on his own head.
When a young lady sees an acquaint lance
with new bonnet on she just lifts her
nose and serenely wonders "where the
thing got that fright
A st. Louis Sunday School boy gave his
teacher this illustrative definition of ire
sponsibility - "Boys has two buttons for
their s'penders SOS to keep their pants up.
When one button comes off, why there's a
good deal of 'sponsibihJy on the other but
ton"
ssNothing was so much dreaded in our
school-boy days." says distinguished
author, las to be punished by sitting be-
tween two girls" All! the force of edu-
cation In after years we learn to submit
to such things without shedding tear.
A Michigan girl has gone clear to ia
pan to marry a Mr.. Lilly. She heard
that the Lilies toiled not, neither did they
spin, but dressed IN their meeting clothes
every day, and she thought she would like
to become one.
GLOW can woman make home more
attractive to her husband 20 There is no
general answer, but in some cases the
thing can be done by inviting the widow
Smith around to spend the evening.
The girls now wear earrings with small
bells for pendants. Shut your eyes and
attempt to kiss girl wearing these ear
rings and you fancy that you have scared
up flock of sheep in miniature,
One beautiful trait in a woman's charac-
ter is her readiness to smooth her husbands