Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1877-07-05
WIT AND HUMOR.

WIT AND HUMOR.
Baseward, the starring umpire, takes his
way.-Pittsburg Dispatch.
The prospect of an Islamite war Islamen-
table.-B0ston Post.
The weather has nothing to do with the
heat on race cOurse.-Glaphic.
During the last rows of Summer, the
crew.shell test will be again applied to Yale
and Harvard.-Chicago Post.
Why is young girl of seventeen brief
summers like the Sultans Asiatic posses
sions-eh? Because she is she minor
Worcester Press.
: A merchant asked his Sabbath school class
the other Sunday, ''What is soitude?" and
was answered by boy that reads the papers,
The store that don't ADVERTISE
"The Sultan says an exchange, "eats
his state dinners from golden dishes.". Yes,
and what's more, be drinks water from 4
golden horn.-1llustrated Weekly.
Ladies' Mald-enumerating her qualities
for the place" may likewise hadd, mann,
that Railways manages to marry my young
ladies most satisfactory" london Punch.
Young Lady-"O, am so glad you like
birds. Which kind do you like the best:'
Old Gentleman-''Well think goose with
plenty of stufting is about as nice as any,
Phil E. Buster is attempting to cast stain
on the reputation of Christopher Columbus
by circulating story that on certain oc-
casion he left his native land 6 for parts un-
known"
Said faded belle to fresh young rival;
"You are having great trial tonight. |
wonder what your enemies will say now?'
" l was just going to ask you" was the keen
retort"
George Francis Train says he finds Boston
"corroded with the midnight livery of un-
utterable gloom" condition we have our
selves noticed, but omitted to mention, hav-
ing relatives there.-Danbury News.
Girls have their sorrows and their troubles,
but nothing is more humiliating to the average
young lady than to be beaten at a game of
croquet by girl who still wears her last
years dress.-Philadelph Bulletin.
The Mexican name for kiss is telename-
Qnizel; and when pair of Mexican lovers
are caught telenamequizeling over the front
gate at night, they appear not a bit more con-
fused than if kiss was spelled with only one
syllable.
Emerson says: IAN eye can threaten
like a loaded and leveled gum" He means
when cooked, of course. This has no ref
erence, we trust, to the strabismal defect in
the orb of famous lawyer-general-New
York illustrated Weekly.
The cucumber season has set in, and man
is walked up at two o'clock in the morning,
his equator, to experience q violent regret
that he has not attended church more regu-
larly in his youth.-Norwich Bulletin.
A man will carry four hundred dollars in
his vest pocket, but woman needs a port
as large as fist, and too heavy to
carry in the pocket, to escort fifty cent
script, receipt for making jelly cake and
two samples of dress goods.
A dog with tin pan attached to his tail is
rarely willing to depend on the slow process
of evolution for progress. He will usually
take the middle OF the road and spread him
self, no matter what happens to science or
the basin.-Rome Sentinel.
He was making a call, and they were talk
ing of literature. ''The Pilgrims Progress,'
she remarked, ''always seem to me painful.
Of course you have read Bunyan?" He said
be had one on each foot, and they troubled
him good deal.-Norwich Bulletin.
A Michigan washerwoman who has been
IN the business for thirty one years, has never
yet put out line of clothes and had them
rained on. If she would only put Professor
before her name she would soon have an OBJ
'ervatory on the hill.-Detroat Free Press.
The growing custom of putting the choir
It the pulpit end of the church has the very
serious drawback that it prevents man from
urning around and looking up at the organ
n critical manner just before the contri-
)ution box approaches his peW.-NOrwich
Bulletin.
Jones has discovered the respective natures
If distinction and a difference He says that
! little difference frequently makes many
nemies, while '' a little distinction attracts
losts of friends to the one on whom it is
conferred.
If you have heard a man make great pro-
essi0rs in the prayer meeting, and are still
doubtful about his character, you can settle
be matter beyond peradventure by trading
orses with him. That is the last critical test
o which man is subjected before he reaches
erfection.
A stone cutter once received from a Ger
nan the following epitaph, to be engraved on
he tombstone of his deceased wife: my
ife Susan is dead if she had lif till next
riday, she'd been dead shust two weeks. AS
tree fall so she must stand. All things is
npossible NIT God.''
"Oh, heavens, save my wife, shouted
Ian whose wife had fallen overheard in the
hudson river recently. They succeeded in
sscuing her. And her husband tenderly en-
raced her, saying: My dear, if you'd been
rowned what should have done? l amt
Ding to let you carry the pocket-boo again.
Cincinnati Saturday Night.
A Western editor, in an unguarded moment,
,cently wrote: ''The good husband keeps
is wife in wholesome ignorance of all un-