Connecticut western news., 1877-02-16
HUMOROUS.

HUMOROUS.
 CHEAP DINNRR.-A colored man in Detroit has sign on his house, which reads, "Meals for eight cents." The sign attracted the attention of hungry man of color the other day, and he stepped in and said he would have dinner. A slice of bread and bowl of water was placed on the table, and he was told to draw up. "Dat's an eight cent meal, my friend.'' ''I isn't pre- pared to squar' off in front of no such dinner," growled the stranger, getting out of doors. "It isn't no festival, dat's true," replied the proprietor, "but when de price is limited down to eight cents, you must spec de food will be limited down to about two courses. Dar's bread and dar's water, and if you want to make it ten cents, I'll put on the pepper-hoX and a knife and fork"
 LEAVING THE LEAD.-Thc steamer Fanny was coming down the upper Mississippi loaded with pig lead. As she was going over shoal place the pilot gave the signal to heave the lead. The only man forward was green horn. "Why don't you heave the lead ?'' "Is it the lead, yer honor? Where to? "Overboard, you blOckhead." The man snatched up one of the pigs of lead and threw it overheard. The mate, in en- deavoring to prevent him, lost his balance and fell into the river. The captain, running to the deck, asked "Why don't you heave the lead, and sing out how much water there is" ''The lead is heaved, yer honor, and the mates gone down to see how much water there is."
 HAPPENED to mention that certain clergyman, common friend of ours, was about to be married. "Oh, indeed !' said my fair young friend. "How long has he been widower ?" "A widowerw w quoth l. ''Why, he has never been married!' ''Oh, you are quite mis- taken, I assure you." But, my dear young lady, knew him at school and college before you were born; and he is about, for the first time in his life, to part with that disgraceful title of 'bachelor.'" "Well, all can say is," said the pair of rosy and pouting lips, ''that MT. Dash told me, only three days ago, that he had got a Jamily ltving."
 TAKE WALK.-As a couple of ladies were passing along the street, they were approached by danditied fellow, WHO DIauuly dCCOSGCu GucI1 Uy SdJLIlS |.
 ''It's pleasant evening, ladies'"
 The ladies did not reply, and the gen tleman CD, nothing daunted, kept pace with them, and again ventured to say:
 ''It is a pleasant evening, ladies, to take walk.''
 ''Do you really think so?" asked one of the fair damsels, with merry twinkle in her eye.
 "Why, of course I do," said the fe1- low, smiling his sweetest.
 "Well, then, suppose you take one. "
 A PARTY met at a public table. and the conversation turned on the subject of transmigration. MT. K. was firm believer in the doctrine, and was ex- patiating largely upon it's points. He was interrupted by gentleman with, ''k. what do you suppose yourself to have been before you were K2' ''I do not know," replied K.; ''I might have been pig, for aughtI know.' ''Well," rejoined his friend, "you have not altered much-only got upon your hind legs"
 "I'vE GOT another, my dear," said MT. Dorkins, as he hurried into the house. elf you were on the top of Trinity Church spire on the back of a goose, how would you get down?" Mrs. Dorkins thought she'd jump down, slide down the lightening-rod; fly down on the goose, fall down, and then gave it up. "Why, if you wanted to get down, you could pick it off the goose," said MT. Dorkins, exultantly.
 THE Chmchman tells the following story: "A little boy, after hearing at his own request the history of the flood for perhaps the twentieth time, sud- denly inquired: What did Noah do with the ark after the dry land came again?' 1t was left on Mount Ararat, was the reply. 'Oh,' rejoined Johnny, I should think Noah would have wanted to make a burnt sacrifice of it."
 THE French census is being taken again and such dialogues as this are ire quent: elf you please madame, what is your age" '"rwenty-seven years. 7" "And the age of mademoiselle your daughter?" "Twenty years!' The census-takers who are invariably very polite, always take down such answers without the slightest objection. A CERTAIN community resort to what they call ''cure by criticism" when any of their band is sick. They get around his bed and faithfully tell him all his faults, as far as known, and this, they say, ''throws him into profuse per spiration, usually resulting in speedy recovery"
 WHEN Chicago shoemaker sells a young lady of that city pair of gum shoes, he makes the bill out in the fol- lowing form: "To twenty-seven pounds of India rubber at $1 per b., $27.OO. And even then he feels as if he were on the very verge of bankruptcy, Brooklyn Aryus.
 Two LITTLE BOYS were met after dark by a fellow who demanded their money. Said one of them, s'I have no money" This might have been sufficient an- swer. But the other made assurance doubly sure by adding, And haven t any pocket to put money in."
 JOSH BILLINGS says, 'The mewl is a larger burd than the guse or turkey. It has two legs to walk with, and two more to kick with, and it wears its wings on the side of its he'd"
 A SHARP TALKING lady was reproved by her husband, who requested her to keep her tongue in her mouth. "My dear," she said, 'it's against the law to carry concealed weapons.
 A PLACARD in the window of patent medicine vendor, in Paris, reads as fol- lows: "The public are requested not to mistake this shop for that of another quack just opposite.
 CARE dose bells ringing for fire ?'' inquired Simon 1iberius. ''No, in- deed," answered Tibe, "dey hab got plenty of fire, and de bells are ringing for water"
 "MY LAND LADY," remarked man,