The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1877-01-13
SELECTED MATTER.
How He Came to be Married.


II NAV be funny, but I've done it. I've got a
rib and a baby. Shadows departed-oyster stews,
brandy cock tails, ogler boxes, boot-Jacks alb
sconding shirt buttons, whist and demyohn.-
Shadows present-hOop- skirts, band-boxes, rib
hons CATERS long stockings Juvenile dresses, tin
trumpets little willow chairs, cradles, bibs, pap,
sugar teats paragoric hive syrup, castor OIL God
freys cordial soothing syrup, rhubarb, sena salts,
suuiIIs and doctors bills. Shadows future-more
pound babies, more hive syrup, etc., etc. I'll just
tell you how got caught.
1 was almost the darndest, most tea-custard
bashful fellow you ever did see, it was kinder in
NV line to be taken with the shakes every time
saw pretty girl approaching me, and I'd cross
the street any time rather than face one 1t wasn't
because didn't like the critters, for if was be-
hind the fence looking through knot hole, L
couldn't look at one long enough. Well, my SIS
ter Lib gave party one night, and stayed away
from home because / was too bashtul to face the
music. hung around the house whstling "Old
Dan Tucker" dancing to keep my feet warm,
watching the heaps bobbing up and down behind
the window curtains and wishing the laundering
party would break up so 1 could get into my room
/ smoked up a bunch of cigars, and as 1t was get
ting late and mighty uncomfortable, concluded
to shin up the door post. No sooner SAID than
done. and soon put myself snug in bed.
"Now," says /, 'let her rip! Dance till your
wind gives out :" And cuddling under the quilts,
Morpheus grabbed me.
I was dreaming of soft shell crabs and stewed
tripe, and was having good time, when some
body raped at the door and woke me up "kap
again. 1 laid low. "Rap, rap" Then L heard
a whispering and knew there was whole raft
of girls outside. crap, rap@ Then Lib sings
out
"Jack, are you in there?
'Yes," says I.
Then came a roar of laughter
"Let us in says she.
"I won't" says I, "can't you let fellow alone Z"
"Are you in bed ?' says she.
81 am," says /.
"Get up" says she.
'I won't" says L
Thon came another laugh
By thunder. 1 began to get riled.
"Get out you petticoated scarce-crows.
cried .Can't YOU get a beau without hauling
fellow out of bed? 1 won't go with yOu-I won't
so you may clear out"
And. throwing a boot against the door, felt
better. But presently, oh mortal button
heard a STILL small voice, very much like sister
Lbs and it said:
"Jack you'll have to get up, for all the girls
things in there :!
Oh, Lord, what pickle Think of me In bed,
all covered with shaws, mufs, bOnnets and cloaks,
and twenty girls outside the door waiting to get
in! If had stopped to think should have pan
eaked on the spot. As it was, L rolled out among
the bonnet ware and ribbons in hurry. Smash!
went the millinery in every direction. l had to
dress in the dark-for there was crack IN the
door, and the girls will peep-and the way fum-
bled around in the dark was death to straw hats.
The critical moment came. lOpened the door, ana
found myself right among the women.
"Oh nv LeghOrn ~ cries one-"My dear, dar-
EnO winter velvet - cries another, and they pitch
ed in-they pulled me this way and that way,
boxed my ears; and one bright eyed little piece
Sal. her name was-put her arms right around
INV neck and kissed me right on my lips human
nature couldn't stand that, and gave her good
as she sent. 1t was the first time ever got
taste. and it was powerful good believe could
have kissed that gal from Julius Caesar to the
Fourth of July.
"Jack," SAYS she 1--WE are sorry to disturb you,
but won't you see me home =
sYes" SAYS /. 81 will"
/ did do it, and had another smack at the gate,
too. After that we took kinder turtle-dOving
each other both of us signing like barrel of new
made cider when were away from each other.
Twas at the close of glorious summer day
the sun was setting behind distant hen -roost-
the buIl-frogs were commencing their evening
sonos-the polly-wogs, in their native mud pud-
dles were preparing themselves for their shades
of night-and Sal and myself sat upon an anti
auated back log listening to the music OF nature,
such as toads, roOsters and grunting pigs, and
now and then the mellow music of a distant jack
ass was waited to our ears by the gentle Zephyrs
that sighed among the mullen stalks, and came
laden with the delicious odor of hen-roosts and
pig sites. The last lingering rays of the setting
sun, gancing from the buttons of solitary horse
man. shone through a knot-hOle in a pig-pen, full
in SAILS face, dyeing her an orange peel hue, and
showing off my thread bare coat to bad advantage
One of nv arms was around Sails waist, my hand
resting on the small of her back; she was almost
gone and was ditto. She looked like grass
hopper diving with the hiccups, and felt like q
mud-turtle chOked with tish-ball
"Sal SAYS /, in voice as musical as the notes
of a diving swami, twill you have me"
She turned her eyes heavenward, clasped me by
the hand. had an attack of the heaves and blind
staggers, and with sigh that drew her shoe
strings to her palate, said "Ies!
She gave clear out, then, and squatted in my
Ian: she cOrkscrewed and curfumixed and rolled
in. l Rugged her till broke my suspenders an'
her breath smet Of onions she had ate two week
before.
WE'LL to make long story short, she set tn
dav and we practiced for four weeks every nigh
how we should walk into the room to be married
till we got so we could walk graceful as a cou
ple of Muscovy ducks. The night, the compan
and the minister came, the signal was given, an
arm and arm we marched through the crowde
hail. We were just entering the parlor door whe
down went, kerslap on the oil cloth, pulling "a
after me- Some cussed fellow had dropped ba
mana SKIN on the MOOR, anu IL Hooiou ni0' ~ 'P
an awful hole in my casimeres, right under IN
dress coat tail. 1t too late to back out 81
clapping my hand over it, we were spliced-an
taking a seat watched the kissing the bride Of
Grafton. Ny grOOmsman was tight, and ne kisse
her till jumped up to take slice; when, Q
horror! little six-year-old imp had crawled b.
hind me, and pulling my shirt through the hole
my pants, had pinned it to the chair, and in luml
ing up displayed to the admiring gaze OF the e, a
tonished multitude triAe more white muslin tina
was pleasant. The women giggled, the men roa
ed. and got mad, but was finally put to bed, al
there all my troubles ended Goodnight
1t is said that tablespoonful OF salt IN
coal oil lamp will prevent it from exploding.
-"Is that marble?" inquired gentlem;
no;ntinO to n hust of Kentuckys great statesma