The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1877-02-03
THE GRAND JURY.
Its Fearful Secrets.
by BEEMt'S.

have learned its ho-rid mysterics,-its blood
curdllng secrets, and hasten to lay them bare to
the public gaze and to submit facts to candid
world"
| The witness is first blndfolded, then handcuh,
cd, shackled, gagged, knocked down and thrown
upon cake of ice and-But to 90 backa little.
Every one knows that the grand jury is a &C.
cret tribunal It's proceedings are hidden from
the world It's work is done swiftly, quietly and
fatally. No one save its own members is per
mitted to witness the fendish orgies of Its scs-
sions. It's members are bound by fearful oaths
never to reveal its dreadful doings-not even to
their own wives 1t has often been observed
that men who have hitherto been the most Jolly
and compani enable in society, when oice they
have been on grand jury, become sadly and Sc
riously altered. They 90 about, when bf duty,
as if bowed down with grief, and Scent to dwell
in veritablc caves of gloom. They are clreworn
and detected ghosts of their former selyes, op.
pressed with the mighty burden OF INDUSTRIOUS
revelations which have been made to them, and
which all through life they have to bear in I'M
broken silence!
| No one becomes grand juror from choice,
but the fatal Office is forced upon whoever draws
the unlucky ballot. Tue person whom chance
has selected for this ill-s.arred place. knows
nothing of his fate till he is swooped down upon
by the sheriff with his formidable aeaic and
dragged to the county seat
Hence it is that the appearance OF this sheriff
in any township carries CONSERVATION To the in.
habtants. 1t is for this reason that membrane
men who fear neither war, pestilence orfamnc,
who can confront death in any form-vho can
even meet an irate mother-inlaw, fly fDm the
sheriff AS q tlmid lamb would from fanishing
wolf This is Why at the approach of tie shcr-
i'll, men bury themselves in straw stacks climb
lofty trees, hide under the ice in the ryer, or
creep into hollow logs, to escape the Dreadful
lenirei
But to return to the witness, who all tits time
has been lying upon the cake OF ice. 1t las fire.
auently been observed that witness oIenter-
ing the grand jury room is in the prime " man
ly vigor and robust health. lie plumply alls his
clothes, and his checks glow and eyes sparkle,
and the whole man is the perfection OF mental
exhileraton and physical strength! Seehim an
hour later as he emerges from that awnl den
and mark the change! Lean, CHASTITY, slriveled
and weak. His teeth gone, eyes blood-slDt, and
clothing now "a world too wide for his shhnKen
shanks," falling In crinked folds about his vast
ed form He has been pumped out!
But to resume with the witness, who, Gyng
laid long enough to thaw out q warm phce in
the ice, has been stirred up with red hot,ekcr,
lest he might have become too comfortably.
S.l, tn To- 10 ,ntI
these secrets, when we took a deadly oah not
tor We answer, we took Louisiana IeturR-
ing Board oath, and that permits us to count
in" or count out" whatever we please!
The sheriff. with a iiendish smile, delivqs the
doomed witness to the Ccrberus at the doorwho,
with q sardonic grim leads him in, bolts til, door
and turning to the central figure in theroom
says:
Most Pussant Top Lofty Grand Giastice, we
have another subject"
"'Tis WELL" responds the central figure. Heat
the Perssaiing Irons, oil up the Gigantic Cr,un-
cher, and let business proceed"
The poor witness discovers around him tween.
~ thrce-objccts, we will not call them human
beings. At table sits the Indefatgable Scribe
lerus or Lightning Pen Jabbcr A pen over each
Of his long silk ears, bunch of sharpcned pen
ellis in his teeth and five pens in each hand. He
writes ten lines at time while the witness is
confessing A grand jury man mops Off the per
spiration from the Pen Jabber's brow while he
writes Near him is the grand Ink Replenlsher
who dips the murky fluid from barrel and holds
il in pailsfull before him of the ten swiftly fly
ing pens. At the right of the table Is the Vigil
liant Paper Exchangcr, who with one hand, as II
were, feeds the Pen Jabber's table with clean
sheets of fooscap, and with the other removes
other sheets, filed with bewildering hieroglyph.
les! Around about are the terrible machines
for examining the witness. Fiery Furnace, where
irons are heated, attended by the Caloric Intens'
sificatcr and near are the Craunching Jabbcr-
wock, the Instantaneous Pulyerizcr, the Swift
Revolving Atomizer, the Cleaning Slamboom,
the Ponderous Crusher, the Sudden Anpihilator
and the Ten Cylinder Catamaran! Besides these
instruments which irresistibly persuade the wit.
ness to be truthful, every member of the jury is
armed with n pump, n combined suction aud
force pump of from GO to 40 horse powerl As
we have said, the Witness when it is feared he has
become too cosy on the ice, is stirred up with Il
red hot poker, TO make him lay over and warm
up new place. These-the cooling ice and the
glowing poker--scrve to keep the witnesses mind
active, and to make him talkatve, for dumb
witness is very difficult to manage These vari.
Gus machines are admirably designed for the cul.
tivaton OF the voice Of witness. The witness
thcn-when sufficiently intimidated upon the
ice, is put successfully through these several
machines, and his conversation recorded by the
Pen Jabber, after this, being treated TO a shower
bath and thoroughly pumped by each of the .;
jurymen in turn until he is perfectly dry, the
witness, or what is left of him, is kicked out of
the door TO make room for fresh victim.