The Lake County star. [volume] (Chase, Mich.) 1873-current, 1877-02-15

Pepperidge and the Poets.
TDanbury News.

Our next door neighbor, Pepperidge, is
general agent for the New York Mutual
Life Insurance Company, and publishes
the Electric Telegraph, a small periodical
devoted exclusively to the statistics of
mortality. He is a matter-of-fact man,
and nothing gives him greater disgust
than the newspaper poetry of the day,
especially that attached to the obituary
notices by some musical friend. For
that reason he only exchanges with the
Grocer, Iron Age and Poultry World, and
looks upon a poet as cross between
natural born fool and a raving maniac.
Across the way the agent of the Con-
necticut Mutual has also an office but,
although being mutual" agents, they
are far from being mutual friends. They
have been for long time sworn enc
mics, but the feud was intensified last
week by Pops getting away an insurance
victim from his rival, and the latter laid
low for revenge. 1t was soon obtained.
Laying in a large stock of postal cards
and obtaining the aid of some half dozen
young scribes he worked night and day
for fOrty-eight hours in writing out So
licitations for poetry for the Telegraph,
stating that mother.in-law had just
died, and wishing to memorialize.her in
the columns of the Telegraph large
prize would be given for the best poem
on the subject. He signed the name of
Pepperidge, and directed them to all the
known and unknown newspaper poets of
the land. Borrowing Gregory's opera
glasses he sat down to await the tidal
wave.
1t came. Pep. came down as usual
yesterday morning, but on unlocking the
door it would not open. Peering in
through the glass he saw the door was
blockaded by a huge pile of letters which
had been thrown in through the aper-
ture. Borrowing our umbrella cane he
pried open the door chuckling as he
thought of the enormous increase of
business. Giving a glance of triumph to
his neighbor across the way, he engaged
large jack-knife with small boy to
open the letters, and commenced bust
ness. On investigating the first, which
looked as if it contained dozen zap
plications," look of disgust quickly
swept over his face, and fifteen pages of
foolscap went flying to the coal-scpttle.
The face of the rival opposite was
wreathed in smiles. Number two, a
dainty little note perfumed with the
balm of a thousand. Gileads, was in an
instant torn in as many pieces, as the en-
ragged man thought Of live and exceed
ingly active moth .r-in-law, who had be-
slowed a parting Jenediction on him that
very morning. The smile across the way
expanded into a broad grin. Number
three was grasped with clutch of des-
peratiUn, but, horrors! that also con-
tanned mournful eulogy on the sup
posed deceased relative of Pepperidge.
Yes, that mammoth accumulation OF
letters, rapidly increasing in size Oh the
each halfhourly visit of the letter.car-
riers, contained nothing but lines,
poems, sonnets, eulogies and elegies,
written in short measure; written in
blank verse and verse that was blank of
rhyme and rhythm; written for paper
that never had, nor never would publish
line of poetry, and all about person
that had not, could not and would not
die. One trenzied look at the avalanche
threatening to envelope him, one des-
pairing glance at his old enemy, now ex-
ecuting war dance of triumph, and
poor Pep. fed.
The letters are still coming i'm. At
nine o'clock this morning they COM
menced to silt through the stove-pipe
hole into our Office, and carpenters are
busy engaged in putting props under
the weakening floor. We have opened
several of our visitors and feasted over
the poetical illusions. One bearing the
Philadelphia post mark and signed "The
Child of Death" commenced as follows
Come all ye sons and sadly see
Poor Pepperidge his handkerchief draw
As he weeps big drops Of scalding tears
For that sanity mother-in-law.
Another poem, containing some sew
enty.fiv stanzas, from the pen of Alpha.
bet Hosmer, and to be sung at the old
lady's funeral, had the following refrain
IT'S sad to mourn mother-in-law,
But sadder still TO know
That you may meet her yet again
Beyond the Jordan's flow.
We would like to quote more, but our
feelings will not permit. If any one
finds stray insurance agent, roaming
at large, with madness in his eye, they
will confer special favor on his numer.
GUS friends by expressing him home, and
no questions asked.
p. S.-Since writing the above, we
have lit upon a sonnet by the illustrious
Upper, and it would be sacrilegious to
withhold 1t from the public. In our
judgment, 1t far excels any of his previ-
Gus efforts. We will give the first eight
lines:
But the mother -in-law Iiveth forever.
She Is immortal, and also never dies.
The grindstone crumbleth 10 dust,
But the mother-in-law WAKES stronger and stronger
each day.
The rust eatefh the waterwheel, and u stoppeth;
But hes tongue waggeth forever, aud likewise never