Weekly Trinity journal., 1877-12-08

A HUMOROUS OFFICE The
following racy letter is genuine produc-
ton by an applicant for office in the city
Of Washington. 1t was addressed to one
of Nevada's Senators.
6200 f STREET, N. W.,
WASHINGTON, d. c., October s, 1877.
Most ARGENTINE SENATOR Provi-
idence, you know, designs some men for
Senators, some for advocating female
suffrage, and others for Government
clerks. l WAS fitted up by the Most High
for one OF the latter class, and it's flying
directly in the face of Revelation when |
am left out in the cold while slender-leg-
ged young men from Skowhegan catch
flies off of Government desks. ] am the
only person in Washington who wants an
office, and | feel that | ought to be cher
ished rs a natural curiosity and put in
department, so when strangers visit this
par: of the moral vineyard they can gaze
upon u noble patriot whose soul is above
| lucre. and whose principles are modelled
upon those of the Admins tratlon-no
mStter whose administration.
Now, there's a show in the Interior
Department, over which the philosophi-
cal Carl presides, and | want to get be-
fore that Civil Service Examining Board
so that l can let loose some of my wisdom.
The havoc i will create among common
fractions will cause weak minded persons
to howl, and the CONSERVATION that will
seize the different parts of speech will
make Lindley Murray crawl out of his
tomb and fill his coffin with tears. The
geography Of the country will undergo
some rather startling changes, and Lord!
how the confidence OF the public will be
shaken in Daniel Webster as a constitu
tional expounder when | tackle that an
cient document. The only thing is to get
before the Board. I've got thirty seven
applications on file in various departments
and I've told them in all sorts of ways
that m nice young person who would
be an ornament to any regulated of
fee, but somehow or other they don't
seem to have that glowing faith in my
| declarations which Is so captivating in the
heads Of Department so, therefore, |
am still out in the cold world, and my au.
tograph decorateth not a pay roll. Boss,
were you ever busted-bloke-u tree
Were you ever haunted by wild eyed
| grocers and pursued by the savage smiles
Of an unpaid landady? Did ever that
| time come to you when dollar bill look
ed like an Iowa cornlleld, and five cent
nickel was as hard to raise as Il chunk of
pig iron? ? Did it ever occur to you in
your career that Il saloon Ike eper's conf
dences in your promise to pay was as full
of holes as cane bottom char, and when
ragmen tried to sell you to paper makers?
| Unfortunately | m not the man who first
introduced Hayes to the notice of the
American public; I'm not the original
Jacobs, and, though a Walker, alas, ] IN
not "Vinegar Bitters" Walker, who had
| barrels of money. Therefore, oh, silver
muuthed Senator, | lack "influence." ="
Give me into the Interior, and that De
partment will secure the services Of n
clerk who will never resign when another
war comes on and leave the Government
in lurch, and Carl can go to the Schuet-
zen park and drink beer in peace and have
his mind easy, knowing that L will run
things on a strictly civil service basis.
III can't get a clerkship I'll open
door, oysters, canned tomatoes or any
thing else that comes handy. I'd like a
job of licking postage stamps. | believe
myself especially qualified to sit out in a
hall in chair, or | would be simply in
valuable as a man to absorb the time of
book canvassers, so that Carl would have
an opportunity to get his teeth repaired
after cussin' the clerks in his native Ian
guage. If were bossing pen in the
Interior Department I'd shed IA lustre up
on his administration, so to speak, and
remote generations would name their
children after the man who got me in.
I'd like to get a mortgage on your good
word with brother Schurz. 1t don t
make any difference about your not know
ing me-you don't know anything about
half the fellows whom you recommend
for places, and IN not prejudiced against
you on that account.
If have not said anything about my
wanting Il clerkship IN the Interior De-
paItment, and I'd like to have you speak
to the Secretary in my behalf, then | beg
leave to convey that impression to you in
as diplomatic way as possible.
In sunshine or shadow, joy or sorrow,
drunk or sober, | am, sir, very respect
fully, your oh edient servant.
n q NNATEEp