The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1877-02-03
THE GRAND JURY.
It's Fearful Secrets.

| We haze Just served upon the grand jury, ant
have learned its horrid mystercs,-its blood
curdling secrets, and hasten to lay them bare Il
the public gaze and to submit facts to a candle
worldm
The wtrc5s is first blndfolded, then handcuit
ed, shackled, gagged, Knocked down and thrown
upon a cake of ice and-But to go back a little.
Every one knows that the grand jury is a st
cret tribunal It's proceedings are hidden from
the world. It's work is done swiftly, quietly anC
fatally No one save its own members is per
mtted to witness the Gendish orgies of It's scs
sions Its members are bound by fearful oath:
never to reveal it's dreadful doings-not even tC
their own wives 1t has often been observed
| that men who have hitherto been the most Jolly
and companionable in society," when oice they
have been on a grand jury, become sadly and Sc
riously altered. They 90 about, when bf duty
as if bowed do n with grief, and SCENT to dwell
in veritablc caves of gloom They are clrcworr
and detected ghosts of their former seyes, OPP
pressed with the mighty burden of INDUSTRIOUS
revelations which have been made to them, and
which all through life they have to bear in un
broken silence!
but the fatal Office is forced upon whoeysr draws
the unlucky ballot Tue person whom chance
has selected for this ill-s.arred place., knows
nothing of his fate till he is swooped down upon
by the sheriff with his formidable oesr and
dragged to the county seat
| Hence it is that the appearance CT ths sheriff
in any township carries CONSERVATION to the in
habitants. 1t is for this reason that membrane
men who fear neither war, pestilence orfamlne,
who can confront death in any form-vho can
even meet an irate mother-in-law, fly fDm the
sheriff AS tlmid lamb would from fanishing
wolf. This is why, at the approach OF tie sher-
! i'll, men bury themselves in straw stacks climb
lofty trees, hide under the ice in the rser, or
creep into hollow logs, to escape the deadiul
| Ugnirei
But to return to the witness, WHO all tbs time
has been lying upon the cake OF ice 1t las fire.
quenty been observed that witness oIenter.
ing the grand jury room is in the prime II man
| ly vigor and robust health. lie plumplyalls his
clothes aud his checks glow and eyes sparkle,
and the whole man is the perfection of mental
exhileration and physical strength! Scchim an
hour later, as he energies from that awnl den
and mark the change! Lean, CHASTITY, slriveled
and weak. His teeth gone eyes blood-sh,t, and
clothing now "a world too wide for his shmnKen
shanks," falling in crinkled folds about his vast
ed form! He has been pumped out!
But to resume with the witness, who, Elylng
laid long enough to thaw out warm phce in
the ice, has been stirred up with red hotoekcr,
lest he might have become too comfortable
It may be asked, how we dare to make hown
these secrets, when we took deadly oah not
to-" We answer, we took Louisiana Iaturn-
ing Board oath, and that permits us to count
in" or count OUT whatever we please!
The sheriff, with fiendish smile, delvTs the
doomed witness to the Cerberus at the doopwho,
with sardonic grin, leads him in, bolts til, door
and turning to the central figure in theroom
says:
Most Pussant Top. Lofty Grand Giastice, we
have another subject"
"'Tis we'll" responds the central figure. Heat
the PersIaiing Irons, oil up the Gigantic Criun.
cher, and let business proceed"
The poor witness discovers around him TWEEN
ty thrcc-objccts, we Will not call them human
beings. At table sits the interchangeable Scribe
erus. or Lightning Pen Jabbcr A pen over each
of his long silk ears, n bunch of sharpcned pen
ellis in his teeth and five pens in each hand. HI
writes ten lines at time while the witness i.
confessing. A grand jury man mops off the per
spration from the Pen Jabber's brow while ht
writes. Near him is the grand Ink Replenisher
who dips the murky fluid from barrel and hold:
it in pailsfull before him OF the ten swiftly iy
ing pens. At the right of the table is the Vigi
liant Paper Exchangcr, who with one hand, as il
were, feeds the Pen Jabber's table with clean
sheets Of foolscap, and with the other removes
other sheets, filled with bcwildering hieroglyph
| les! Around about are the terrible machines
for examining the witness. Fiery Furnace, where
irons are heated, attended by the Calorc Intens
sfcatcr, and near are the Craunchng Jabbcr
wock, the Instantaneous Pulverzer, the Swift
Revolving Atomizer, the Cleaning Slamboom
the Pondcrous Crusher, the Sudden Anaihilatoi
and the Ten. Cylinder Catamaran! Besides these
instruments which irresistibly persuade the wit
ness to be truthful, every member of the jury is
armed with pump, combined suction and
force pump OF from GO to 100 horse powerl As
we have said the witness, when 1t is feared he has
become too cosy on the ice is stirred up with a
red hot poker TO make him lay over and warm
Iup Il new place. These-the cooling ice and the
glowing poker-scrve to keep the witnesses mind
active, and to make him takative, for duml
witness is very difficult to manage. These vari
Gus machines are admirably designed for the cul
tivation OF the voice OF a witness. The witness
then-whcn sufficiently intimidated upon the
ice, is put successfully through these several
machines, and his conversation recorded by the
Pen Jabber, after this, being treated to shower
bath and thoroughly pumped by each of the .:
jurymen in turn until he is perfectly dry, tn,
witness, or what Is left of him, is kicked out o
the door 10 make room for a fresh victim.