The Jeffersonian. [volume] (Stroudsburg, Pa.) 1853-1911, 1877-02-22
A CASE OF PROFESSIONAL JEAL.
OUSY.
by MAX ADEEER.

There is very fierce rivalry between
our two undertakers Toombs and Sin
nickson, and sometimes it causes trouble.
On the day OF old Mr.. Chew's funeral,
which was conducted by Toombs, colore3
man named Bands was to be buried by
Snnickson. 1t SO happened that the two
prcessions reached the turnpike leading to
the cemetery ut the same moment. Both
hcarScs were moving at i slow walk, but
as soon as they got abreast Of each other
Sinnickson touched up his horses and made
them walk rapidly. Then Toonbs put on
more speed snd tried to drive across the
front OF Sinnickson's horses, in order to
block them of and keep them in the rear
Whereupon SnnicksOn remarked that if
Toombs didn't take that old coffin cart out
OF the way he'd rip the wheels of and bang
it into spinters.
You keep behind" said Toombs. "I
don't low no ni8sor buryin' to take the
lead Of me-"
There amt no decent nieger in the
county that kin Git dead enough TO be
willing to ride behind such horses as them
Of yourn."
oh there hain't, hey?" replied Toornbs
"Weil, just let me tell you that there's
more money in the near hind leg Of my
horses than you've ever made BY selling
ya!ler zine co1ins for mahogany"
IF my horses weren't better'n your
d killed cm long ago and got you to
bury en-. It's more in your line than
human beings"
"We'u see about that" said Toonbs, as
he STATED his team at a brisk trot.
''Iil bet We vii! = exclaimed Sinnickson
whipping his horses furiously.
4 Sc oni later both hearses were going
down tie turnpike aJ the rate Of thirty
miles an holr, the coiiins bouncing about
in them at furious rate. and the friends
Of the deceased parties looking out OF the
carriage windows at the race, some cheer
ing the undertaGers, and others feeling
pretty mad about it.
The funeral professions, however, pro
cecced to the cemetery, and when they
reached it they stopped to wait for the
undertdkerS to turn up. It was then about
hali-Fasl twelve clock. 4 little after four
somebody saw man coming il the cemetery
gate with his nose bloody, his right eye
swollen and discoJfed, and his clothes torn
and covered with dirt 1t was Toombs.
He was balancing a coffin on the front
aXle-tree OF vehicle only two wheeIe Of
which remained. lie linpcd up to the
grave pushing the receptacle before him,
and sliding the coffin oil, hc said
''Gosh but I'm tired I've run that
thing along on those wheels for nearly
four miles
Then stepping up to Judge Pittman he
whispered to him:
"Ne and Sinnickson We been playin
particular thunder | beat him in the
race, and thea he ran into me and smashed
both hearsos all into nothin'. Then We
grappled and fit for about an hour, and
finally hit him in the stomach and curled
him all up in the corner Of the fence. But
when | came to look for old Chew'S coffin
it WAS gone. [ must dropped him out
along the road somewheres ; / dunno where
So what did | DO while Sinnickson was
layin there howlin but grab up Sinnickson's 5
nieger and mount him on my from wheels,
and bring him along. Old Chewls people
won't know the difference Less bury this
chap and lay low about it, and Sinnickson
can shove of old Chew on the colored folks
He'll do almost anything after the way /
bounced him"
So the funeral services proceeded, and
just as they got the remains III the grave
in came Siunickson, looking as if he had
been passed couple Of times through a
bark mill, and pretty nearly ground to
rags. The first thing he said was
II say hold up there You've got the
wrong man. Mr.. Chews laying in the
ditch about three quarters of mile up the
pike, aud this is my corpse you're bury
ing"
Don't pay any attention to that liar, y
said Toombs, turning pale.
"Who are you calling liar ?" said Sin
nickson, and then he sailed into Toombs,
and they had another tussle until Judge
Pitman separated them. Then a commit
tee Of friends got cart and went back for
Mr. Chew, aud finally everything was pro
perly arranged But as the folks went
home Toombs passed Sinnickson at the
cemetery gate, and shaking his fist at him,
he said
"Never you mind, old fellow. The next
funeral | have ii be yours, and I'll not
only run it. but I'll have the corpse ready !;
you see if | don't
There is good opening for an amiable
undertaken in our village.
AN easy method of breaking glass to any