Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1877-08-09
MADE HIM MARRY THE GIRL.
Mark TWain's Latest Joke.
Correspondence of the Boston Herald.

Mark TWain's Latest Joke.
Correspondence of the Boston Herald.
A good story about Mark Twain is
Just beginning to leak out here. Some
time ago he went on visit to Elmira,
n Y, leaving his quaint house among
the trees on Pennington Avenue in
charge of his servants. Nearly two
weeks ago an item was published in
the Hartford daily papers chronlcling
an Intellectual attempt to rob the humor-
lists residence. The story was that a
man presented himself at the door one
day, saving that he had been sent by
the gas company to inspect the meter
and pipes. The servant, who had not the
slightest suspicion, allowed the stranger
to enter and do as he pleased. When
he supposed no one was watching his
movements, he hid himself away in a
dark corner, (of which there are many
in the old chalet and waited for dark
ness But the girl who had watched his
movements, went and procured assls-
lance, and had the intruder bounced
without ceremony. When Mr.. Clemens
heard the story in Elmira he thought
he smelled very large rat, and fastened
to Hartford for the purpose of ferreting
it out. His theory was that one of the
servant girls must have had a beau, and
that, being caught in the act, this means
OF concealing the real truth of the
case was adopted. With all the saga
city of an eX-iournalist he followed his
clue, but could not establish the theory
he had formed.
But while pursuing his investigation
: he learned that one of the girls, who
t, had been member of his family for a
long time, was really guilty of having
male admirer, who occasionally shared
the hospitality of the house, unknown
to the proprietor She was buxom
English Girl with handsome form and
, bright, cheerful face. Faithful in the
performance of her duties, and always
: solicitOus for the best interests of the
, family, she had made herself almost
invaluable to the household. The high
: esteem in which Mr.. Clemens had al
ways held her no doubt influenced his
course. He was sorry to part with the
girl who had served him we'll, but, seeing
, no other alternative, quickly matured
a plan that should let her down easy.
After long hunt he succeeded in dis
covering the young fellows name.
t When that was gained Mr.. Clemens
went down town and procured a
, marriage certificate. Returning he
| stepped at the residence of the Rev.
, Mr.. Twitchell, pastor of the Asylum
Street church, and took him into his
carriage Arriving home, the first
thing done was to send for the young
man, who soon appeared, somewhat
frightened at the summons. From his
I dress and general appearance of decay
it was evident that his circumstances
, were not those of violent prosperity
, When he was brought III Mark braced
up and tried to look dignified. This is
, about the dialogue that ensued:
Mark-So, young man you have been
in the habit of making hotel of my
| housewife all the modern improve
ments. [Silence unbroken by the
young man Well, as you don't offer
5 any objections, We'll take that part Of
the matter for granted. If your offense
; had stopped at that point it would have
been all right. | am glad to entertain
company-yes, if you had mentioned il
; | would have had the house refurnished
for you All that and more, | would
have done gladly for a guest. But
when you dignity and pathos when
, you ALLEVIATE the affection of Maria
Jane, when you descend upon this
: peaceful fold with base designs-like a
wolf in sleeps clothing, as it were-that
cannot forgive"
Y M-(with humility If you please
sir, amt got no Sleeps clothing.
Mark examining the fabric Of the
young mans coat)-Ah, perceive my
error; it Is cotton, not wool. However
[ was speaking metaph orically. As
, tintimated before, | cannot endure the
thought Ofhaving my home which, un
til your fell presence, had been the
abode Of innocence, turned into ken,
mel of wrong-doing. When you sought
, that end. you not only wounded me
MORALLY, but you aroused my wrath
: and, young man, when I'm mad, Pm q
bad crowd In the first throes of my
! passion [ was doubtful whether to have
! you arrested for murder in the first de-
gree, Or"
At this point the young man showed
: symptoms of terror But" continued
t Mark, it suddenly occurred to me thai
5 certain Pennsylvania judge-Joe
: Bradley, [ beieve-once ruled that il
f cases of arson, the fellow must marry
e the girl; and so conclude that you
must answer to the crime Of arson; il
t other words you must get hitched tc
Maria Jane"
' Apparently, Marks victim was re
lieved, but he was still doubtful He
said: Eff you please, sir, I'd be glad tc
marry Maria, but couldn't support her
| amt got no money, and | can't get nc
work. | mean to marry her some time
t sir, honest and true | do"
Mark-That's altogether too thin
|, young man. You marry Maria righ
a here and now, or up you go for arson.
4 M-Well sir, if it comes to that
ofcourse I'll marry her.
Mark-That's the kind of talk I like
Here Twitchell! Maria Jane! Come
f herel
: And the two people named, followed
4 by the other servant, entered the room
the marriage ceremoney was performed
!, and Mark and the second girl signed the