Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1877-05-17
He II Err Id.
Fhe Hat in Church.

OF all the various expedients by
which ingenious ehurch-goers have en
deavored To safely dispose of their
hats, there is not one (says writer
Ia the Tines that has not proved to
bs fallaciens. TIE hold ones hat in
sne's lap is practicable only in Qua
ksr paeeting house, where the wor
shieers remaiE seated daring the en-
tire service, and never use any &c.
vetionaI implements, such as prayer
hooks and hymn-books. No man
could successfully balance a hat in
sne hand and find the Epistle for the
ryesty-sccond Sunday after Trinity
With the other; while to stand up in
other 70 repeat the Creed or to sing a
hvma with a hat under the left arm,
weuld be the height of absurdity. The
hat. then. must be laid entirely aside
darinq divine service, and our church
20. being constructed with exclusive
reference 4, souls instead of hats, at.
ford 40 resting places for the latter.
The extreme danger of placing a
9 hat in the aisle Immediately outside
he pew IL universally known. The
syst lady that sweeps up the aisle
carries with her confused mass of
defenseless hats, which are deposited
In the shape OF terminal moraine in
the front of the pew which is heI final
poaI. OF course the hats which have
Seea subjected to this process are re
Iaeea by attrition TO rounded form,
ana are covered with scratches, re-
mindinc ono of the marks of glacial
action on granite powders. How
ever interesting they may be to the
aeolocist, they are of no further
value as hats, and can rarely be bent
late shape that will allow their own
ess to wear them home. Next TO the
mslo, the pew-scst is the most danger
oas position in which hat can be
placed. Statistics show that out of
avery Iee hats thus situated, go ere
sat upon by their owners, 80 are sat
upen by other people, and only
ESCAPE aniHinred 1t is curious fact
that more men sit down on their hats
after repeating the Creed than after
reading the Psalms or performing any
other perpendicular part of the SER
vice: and another curious fact is the
attraction which hat thus exposed
apon a seat exerts upon fat person.
Neither Of these facts has ever been
satisfactorily explained, altlough they
are matters Of general notoriety. A
man mar ester a remote pew in
Sysace charch, anil place his hat on
the seat in a position where 1t is i'm
possible fer fat man 10 perceive it
On entering the church. Never
theless, experience has shown that in
six eases ont oe ton the sexton will
shoy a fat man into that precise pew
yithin tea minutes after the hat is in
positieg, while the other and further
fat man will, from time to time. hover
sbout the locality, with the evident
desire of ascertaining il that hat Is
still susceptible of further smashing
There is clearly law ei nature at
work here which needs to bs definite
" formulated, aud it is disereditable
Ia svicaee that this has not been done.
as to pustinE ones hat on the floor
underneath the seat, no one who foi>
lows this reckless course can expect
apy:hing but disaster. If there is
ANAL boy in the pew he will infalllbly
discover that hat and kick it TO the
further end of the pew within the first
thirty minntes of the service. If there
is lady ia the pew a surgical opera
tisa will be required to remove ner
hoe. from The interior Of the hat.
While 10 any event the hat is certain
Ia absorb every particle of dust with
~ a radius Of eight feet, and to fasten
itself to the floor of forgotten Sunday
school gumdreps. Neither under the
ssat on the seat, nor in the aisle can
Ia . worried hat find rest, and the plan
OF establishing hat pound in the
vostibule, where bats could be ticket
% and kept daring service. would
sisply result ia converting church
into . hist exchange, where the sin
sers wenld secure all the good hats.
ana the saints wcald De compelled to
SSntent themselves with WORKOUT
and worthless cRe.-Home Journal