The Portland daily press., 1877-09-20
IAppleton's JournaI,]
The Dynasty of Cooks.


1t is George Eliot, if we mistake not, who
speaks of the silent tragedies, unknown and
unwritten, which are constantly taking place
amid thousands of human lives while the
world moves carelessly along In much the
same way might reference be made to certain
innumerable domestic tragedies, equally unob-
served and urcommentedl upon, where cooks
play not the heroic, but the puIely villainous
part. The heroine in such cases invariably is
the suffering housewife, whose spirit no mat
ter how resolute it may be when circumstan-
ces first brought it face to face with Hibernian
depravity, gradually succ1mbs into despairing
submission. A notable feature in the case of
bad cooks may be called their tendency to oc-
cur in groups. A certain household may have
had its kitchen affairs ably and peacefully ad-
ministered for several years, when suddenly
some unavoidable change brings in its wake
months of protracted distress, until at last q
long line of incompetent or debased cooks shall
have given place to one representing "milder
manners, purer laws" like Titus after the i'm
perial horrors that had preceded him. Meats
served up in condition OF bleeding rawness one
day, and blackened to actual cinders the next;
soups that are favorless mockeries; vegetables
execrably underdone,o or else pitilessly scorched:
profane outbursts; intemperance; disreputable
shrieks OF dissatisfaction regarding the just
payment of certain wages; wild maledictions;
noisy departure-these are put few of the
most salient unpleasant attributes that belong
to some such distracting interval as that which
occasionally follows the exodus of trusted
and responsible cook.
Not long ago an interregnum Of this disas-
trous and unholy character took place within
the family of certain literary gentleman of
New York. From week to week he kept an
account of the rapid changes in downstairs
government, and called his document when
finished, Culinary Dynasty of the House Of
Brown, from the reign of Bridget the Pure
down to the present Monarch" Similarly
cmDellished by Incidental rhetorical graces, Mr..
Browns list read something after the following
manner
Bridget l., surnamed the Pure. Began to
reign December, 1867; abdicated October, 1876
because contemplating life of seclusion and
matrimony. Her reign was marked by great
executive wisdom, clemency and economy and
its cessation caused the most sincere regret.
Succeeded by
Bridget H., a sovereign of considerable ad-
ministrative power, but cursed with most
irascible disposition. Insulted her prime min
lister MRS BROWN when justly febuked by that
dignltary for her reckless consumption of but
ter. Popular opinion (Mr. Brown now being
decidedly against her, she abdicated, Novem-
ber, 1876, in favor of
Katherine, surnamed the flirt, because of the
multiplicity of her suitors. A giddy, good-na-
tured queen, but wholly untitled for her exait-
ed position. Deposed, November, 1876, and
succeeded by
A regency of three days, during which Jane
Ia valued chambermaid) welded with much
ability the culinary scepter. After which the
kichen Twas descended into by
Bridget I'LL, sovereign whose character pre-
vious to accession had been represent as STAIN
less, but who early gave signs Of the most re-
voting intemperance. Driven feom the kitch-
en- by an indignant people (Mr. Brown after an
alchoic reign of only two days, and succeed
ed by
Mary Ellen, satirically surnamed the skele-
ton, on account OF her unnatural stoutness.
Celebrated for her intense laziness Deposed,
December, 1876, and succeeded by
Margaret, popularity known as the Fiend.
Threatened to kill her prime minister two
hours after coronation. On the following day
mands of the army "a policeman) who unani-
mously endorsed the policy of the prime min
lister. Imprisoned for high treason, December,
1876. End unknown. Succeeded by
Bridget w., surnamed the Lunatic. Her
administration was chiefly distinguished by an
attempt to subvert the usual methods of din
ing throughout her realm; causing soup to be
served after fish, and meat before either. Ban
ished after turbulent reign of twelve hours,
and succeeded by
Ann, known as the Spoiler. And so
on, through terrible list of wrong and out
rage, the chronicle continues, at last ending in
the month of February, 1877, with the follow
ing happy item:
Bridget XIV, the reigning sovereign, sur
named the Culinary Antonine. Modest of de-
meanor, gentle in speech, wise and economical
in her rule Beloved by minister and people.
A slight difficulty with France (the children's
foreign nurse), has now been amicably settled.
The realm is at present in q most hourishing
condition, and the refrigerator has never been
so -prosperously administered. Long live
Bridget XVI