The Vancouver independent. (Vancouver, W.T. [Wash.]) 1875-1910, 1877-02-23
Mark Twain on Yankee Weather.

est Inhabitant-th Weather" Mark
Twain delivered one of his after dinner
speeches, of which the following is an
abstract:
II reverently believe that the Maker
who made us all makes everything in
New England but the weather. don't
know who makes that, but I think it
must be raw apprentices in the weather
clerks factory, who experiment and
learn how in New England for board
and clothes, and then are promoted to
make weather for countries that require
good article and will take their Gus
tom elsewhere ii they don't get it.
Laughter. There is sumptuous va
riety about the New England weather
that cOmpels the strangers admiration
and regret. Laughter. The weather
is always doing something there; al
ways attending strictly to business; al
ways getting up new designs and trying
them on the people to see how they will
go. But it gets through more business
in spring than in any other season. In
the spring I have counted 1876 different
kinds of weather inside of four and
twenty hours. Laughter. 1t was /
that made the fame and fortune of that
man that had the marvellous collection
of weather on exhibition at the Centen-
NAL that so astounded the foreigners
He was going to travel all over the world
and get specimens from all climes. I
said: Don't you do it; you come to
New England on favorable spring day
I.told him what he could do in the way.
of style, variety and quantity. Laugh
ter. Well. ne came and made his col
lection in four days.
"Old Probabilities has mighty rep
utation for accurate prophecy, and
thoroughly we'll deserves it. You take
up the papers and observe how crisply
and confidently he checks off what to-
days weather is going to be on the Pa
cifc, down South, in the middle States
and in the Wisconsin region. He
doesn't know what the weather is going
to be in New England. He mulls over
it, and by and by he gets out something
about like this: Probable forecast to
sou'west winds, varying to the south
ard and westard and BASTARD points be-
tween; high and low barometer. sweep
ing around from place to place; prob
able areas of rain, snow, hail and
drought, succeeded or preceded by
earthquakes, with thunder and light
ming Laughter and applause. Then
he jots down this postscript from his
wandering mind to cover accidents
But it Is possible that the programme
may be wholly changed in the mean
time Laughter.
81 could speak volumes about the in
human perversity of the New England
weather, but l will give but single
| I b.
roof, so covered part of my roof with
tin. with an eye to that luxury
Well, sir, do you think it ever rains on
the tin? No. sir; skips it every time.
Laughter.
eff we had not our bewitching au-
tumn foliage we should still have to
credit the weather with one feature
which compensates for all it's bullying
vagaries-the ice storm-when leaf
less tree is clothed with ice from the
bottom to the top-ice that is as bright
and clear as crystal; every bough and
twig is strung with ice-beads, frozen
dew-drops, and the whole tree sparkles,
cold and white like the Shah of Persia's
diamond plume. Applause. Then
the wind waves the branches, and the
sun comes out and turns all of these
myraids of beads and drops to prisms,
that glow and hum and fash with all
manner of colored fires, which change
and change again, with inconceivable
rapidity from blue to red, from red to
green, and green to gold; the tree be-
comes sparkling fountain, very ex-
plosion of dazzling jewels; and it stands
there the acme, the climax, the suprem-
est possibility in art or measure of be-
wildering. intoxicating, intolerable mag
nifcence! One cannot make the words
too strong. Long and continued ap-
plause.
Month after month 1 lay up hate
and grudge against the New England
weather: but when the ice-storm comes
at las; l say, There, forgive you now !:
the books are square between us; you
don't owe me a cent; go and sin no
more; your little faults and foibles
count for nothing; you are the most en-
chanting weather in the worldr" APP
! plause and laughter
HUMAN EYEs.-Of all animals. man
enjoys the most perfect and capable
eyes. With large globe preserved in
its form by a dense, thick, resistant coat
or tunic, to which suitable muscles are
attached for the most delicate and ex-
tensive movements-with an optical appa-
ratus fer collecting sharp, distinct images
OF surrounding objects, and last and
most important, a nerve membrance of q
cut shape safely lodged within, endow-
ed with the marvellous and exclusive
power OF perceiving light, and sending