The New Bloomfield, Pa. times. (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1877-188?, 1877-01-23


Pat scratched his head-a new light
seemed to dawn on him. 'Rebutting, is
it ?-Shure an that's just what's the
matter, yer Honor; the bloody baste
butted me till not stitch of safe wus
left on me breeches, yer Honor, and
that's why Pm here to-day Pat was
acquitted.
Eg A New York musician, whose
handwriting was very poor, wrote an
advertisement that his system of in
struction Extended from the primary
elements to thorough bass" and it came
out in the paper 'from primevale lini-
ment to thorough bore" He sought
to interview the printer with a revol-
yer.
az A quiet minister once said, Now,
brethren, propose to throw this hymn
book at the man who used profane lam
guage yesterday. He made the neces-
sary gesture, as though he would hurl
the book, and, curiously enough, every
man in the congregation ducked his
head.
Eg A Connecticut jeweler went to
New York, with two thousand dollars,
to buy stock. He bought one thousand
dollars worth of jewelry. The other
thousand he devoted to advertising
that Is, he went on prolonged drunk,
was arrested, and got his name in the
papers.
R9- This is story of what happened
not long since in the Pine Tree State:
A new Baptist convert wished very
much to be baptised by one minister
and to join the church of another. She
went to the first, and asked him If it
could be done. "Yes,p he replied,
could do it, but "I don't pike in wash
ing"
Ey- els your father at home 2" in
quired the man of the little girl who
admitted him. SIS your name Bill p''
she asked. "Some beople call me so"
replied he. "Then he is not at home,
for heard him tell John if any bill
man came, to say he was not at
home
eY "What is the best remedy" asked
a preacher of shrewd observer, ''for
an inattentive audience ?'' "Give them
something to attend to-" was the signifie-
ant reply. Hungry sheep will look up
to the rack if there is hay in it.
e "Well, DOCTOR" inquired an anx-
ious husband, ''and what do you think
is the matter with my wife ?-"O,
nothing serious probably little
humor of the blood, ,''--"No, that can't
be, doctor, she's been out of humor for
ten days past.
EY"Fred," said young man the
other day, after listening to his wonder
full story, "do you know why you are
like harp struck by lightning p"''No," f"
says Fred, II give it up" Because a
harp struck by lightning is blasted
Tyre"
KyA negro witness in trial the other
day was asked what he was doing in a
certain saloon at certain time. He
exclaimed that he had gone there to
''change his breff." The explanation
was accepted.
H7T On coming for the first time from
wretched garret in an inland town to
the sea-shore, poor woman, gazing at
the ocean, said: II am glad for once in
my life to see something which there is
enough of.
@-A negro was pdt on TIE stand as a
witness, and the judge inquired if he
understood the nature of an oath. "For
certing, boose,' said the citizen; ''if l
swear to lie / must stick to him ~
O. A retired schoolmaster excuses his
passion for angling by saying that from
constant habit, he never feels quite him
self unless he is handling the rod.
gT Why is the figure nine like pea
cockp Because it's nothing without it.
tail.
s9r A Waste of "T',-Putting II In
depot