The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1877-07-12
PASSING SMILES.
A HEAD Wind-A sneeze.

If all flesh is grass, is beef a la n,oDede
AN Auctioneer's Motto" Buy and
buy"
"CoME, sheer off," as the sheep said to
the man who was cutting off her wool.
In trying to fight down his SORROWS, a
man should always strike one of his own
sighs.
QUERY for real estate owners-How
can a man make the most of his prop
erty when it's least.
WHEN your door-bell is pulled by
friend you have invited to dinner, may
that be called an engagement ring.
A NEW YORK girl thinks it about
time some young fellow proposed, as she
has been bridesmaid eight times, and
has been tantalized enough.
THE young ladies in Vermont, it is
said, though we don't believe it, still
continue to kiss the lips of young tenn
perance men to see whether they have
been tampering with toddy.
THE first mosquito having appeared,
an uptown landlady has put all the pill
lows into sole-leather cases, so the board
ers can bang them around as much as
they please without breaking the corn
cobs
A SoUTH-wEsTERN editor remarks:
'' If in our school-days the rule of three
is proverbially trying, how much harder,
in after life, do we find the rule of one."
He had been married only fourteen
months.
IT is no use denying that men are SUI
perior to women as men; and that wo-
men are immeasurably superior to men
as women; while both of them together
are more than a match for either of
them separately.
/ "WHEN l asked" said Emerson, can
iron-master about the Stag and cinder in
railroad iron, ..Oh,' he said, there is al
ways good iron to be had; if there's Gin
der in the iron, tits because there's Gin
der in the pay"
IT is almost time for some bald-headed
old journalist, who can't tell barley
from catnip, to come out with the an
nual statement that the fences in Amer
lea take up eight hundred and seventy
one thousand acres of ground.
IF you were l. and were you,
And you and some time together
Should meet with some one else who knew
Both you and me, 1 ask you whether
He you for me would take, or me
For you, or for some other man. sir?
Would he eye you you, lie.
Would l, eye? Aye, want an answer.
WASHINGTON Nation: What grand,
noble, self-sacrifcing emotion is sympa-
thy. 1t is sympathy which lifts ones
attention bodily, and takes it from the
eloquent divine out through the church
window to the babe which is exercising
its lungs in the adjoining house.
THE late Charles F. Briggs loved an
argument and would concede nothing.
A friend of his once touched up his pc
culiarity with, Charley, want to bet
with you that two and two make four"
Nothing of the sort" promptly rejoined
Mr.. Briggs; "2 and make %"
THERE is always something interest
ing about hanging, and the Molly
Mcguire executions were not without
their neat points. For instance, the
haithful reporter says: "When the
fangings were completed, Sheriff Werner
was congratulated" He has an eve for
the CHASTITY.
ROME Sentinel: A splendid item
about a man getting kicked all to pieces
by horse the other day, was utterly
himself, who climbed into the haymow
and stayed there until the horse quit
kicking, and yet cold world may blame
the reporter for this.
BURLINGTON Hdwk Eye: A Lucas
County farmer trained a crow to eat
grasshoppers. Then he starved the crow
three or four days, turned him loose,
and the emaciated bird went out into
the field and devoured eleven bushels of
seed corn. P S.-The grasshoppers got
away with all the crow left.
A NORTH CAROLINA negro thought to
outrun locomotive t'other day on the
Air Line road, but when he picked him
self up, after a fling of about thirty
feet, landing on his head, he said:
eyer done don't ketch dis chile doin'
dat agin. It's right smart wonder rs
didn't tore des year britches clean off N
me-"
A FLORIST was showing an 1rishman
over his establishment the other day.
"Now," said he, "we'll just look for a
moment at the terminating house."
''The German ating-house, is itF' re-
piled the other. "Troth, and I'm glad,
for it's mighty hungry l am. But isn't
there some Irish dhrinkin' saloon jist as
handy?"
A PHYSICIAN was called to visit lady
in Chelsea, Massachusetts,. After con-
tinuing his calls for some weeks, she ex-
pressed her fears that it would be incon-
venient for him to come so far on her
account. "Oh, madam" replied the
doctor, innocently, az have another pa
tient in the neighborhood, and thus
can kill two birds with one stoner'
| A GENTLEMAN not unknown in liter
ary circles was present at one of the
Pope's receptions. The holy father ap-
preached him and said: "You're
American. Are you a Catholic or
Protestant" "Holy father" replied
our friend, al am neither a Catholic
nor Protestant; Pm a journalist %
His Holiness laughed heartily and moved
on To some one else.