The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1877-10-18
The Cooper Nickus Club.

A number of gentlemen in the West
End are having more fun than they can
carry with a club recently organized,
which has for its President good,
hearted, innocent sort of an old fellow,
by the name of Hagerty, who is great
lover of the scientific and historical, but
as illiterate as cross-road hand bill.
His pronunciation of classic names is
richer than silver mine, and though
some of his ideas are broad and intelli-
gent, yet, when they come skipping
along, clothed in his language, it almost
kills the members of the club to suppress
their yells until some one can get off a
fimsy joke, and afford them pretense
for opening up the food-gates of hi
larity, for they wouldn't for the world
have the President know they were max
ing game of him. In the guileless and
childlike simplicity of his heart the poor
old fellow imagines that he is doing a
work of great good in scattering the
seeds of science and culture in fertile
soil, where it will increase an hundred
fold, and fondly believes that his pupils
gather about him solely to pick up and
preserve the words of wisdom that fall
as pearls from his lips, and that in future
centuries his name will be emblazoned
in letters of gold with those of the other
great teachers who fourished in ages
past. ....-
The members of the club all readily
fall into his pronunciation and adopt
his ideas. They meet every Thursday
evening in room over the store of one
of the members, which has been cozily
fitted up for their sole use. Their
average attendance is always large-no
matter what the state of the weather.
The reader will not be surprised at this
when he becomes more familiar with
their proceedings, and learns what an
enormous load of science each member
carries away with him.
Generally a good share of their sessions
are occupied by lecture from the Presi-
dent, on scientific subjects, but some
times they also engage in discussions in
which all can take part, but they manage
matters so skillfully that the President
does most of the talking on all Occa-
sions. He is very partial to the sound
of his own voice, and the task is not
difficult. He has killingly pompous
manner, and spreads himself in flights
of oratory on the slightest provocation.
His discourses are all delivered with
much earnestness, and very impressively.
His great hobby is Copernicus, who is
known to him as Cooper Nickus, and
after whom his oldest boy was named
Cooper Nickus Hagerty. He never tires
of talking about him, but the reader
can best understand his views by pc
rusing his lecture below. 1t was the
names of his children which first at
tracted the leading members of his club
to him and lead to its organization.
They could not have conferred upon him
greater honor than by giving the club
the rame they did.
On our first visit to the club, Thurs
day night, it was our good fortune to
hear Mr.. Hagerty hold forth ON the sub
ject nearest his heart. He opened the
meeting by saying:
81 believe, gentlemen, at our last
meetin' we decided to devote some time
to takin' about Cooper Nickus and the
great benefit his great diskfveries have
conferred upon the world"
Mr.. President" says Colonel Spots
wood, rising, l must confess that l am
not as well posted in regard to this
eminent man as l should like to be, but
l believe he was the first to advance the
theory that the world went around on
wheels. Am ! right%'
The President put on his smile of wis
dom and said:
In the gineral indee you are correct,
but leetle out in its details. Cooper
Nickus didn't exactly say that he
believed the airth went round on wheels,
but that it revolved on its axle-tree.
Without knownin' this, my frens, what
good would all the fine talkin' of 81
Zero hev done us, or the spread-eagle
speeches of Demos Theenus? Even the
unparalleled expl'its of Hammer Bell,
and the extraordinary conkests of Aleck,
Sander the Big are mighty little pertaters
when you put 'em in the same dish with
the diskiveries ov Cooper Nickus. The
name ov no man in any age STAINS out in
my yumble estermation with more
posertiye conspicerousness than thet oy
this great man. Izich Nootin didn't
hev a bad he'd on him. Girls. Titfel
Klumbus was no slouch, an l am
privitly backin' Keely, but the whole
caboodle ov 'em couldn't set down or
the same fence with Cooper Nickus
Perfessor A-gashus an myself he'd 6
long conference on this pint the last
time he was in Cincinnati an it was his
unanermousopinion thet l wasright, an il
is hardly necessary for me to tell you the
l wouldn't crawfsh if the hull consatet
Facility ov Bow-down College was t
come out an oppose me. Cooper
Nickus, my frens, dug the cellar an laiC
the foundation ov all science, an HI
laid it deep an with a good solid water
line. 1t wasn't a government contract
but good square job, an nobody he
yet been able to pick any flaws in it
He was the pioneer Ov science-th'
John the Baptist, | might say
He waded into the wilderness o1
ignorance an built solid corderoy roaC
over the swamp ov superstition that re
mains in good repair to the present day
Poets have sung ov the deeds of Her
Quelus, an the scollopers hev perserve'
his form in endurin marble, SO thet peo
pie in our generation kin see how tn
the race has dwindled down purity nea
to the little eend ov nothin'. But he
they done anything ov the sort for tn
subject before the house? No, my frens
not by very considerable. Show me
peece of poetry alludin' in jinglir
meeter to Cooper Nickus an you ca
take my hat. We hear every day ov the
diggin' up statoos-with arms and leg
missin-in Their exkervations at Hairy
gguely-Yum an Pompey-Yihi an Ibt
lieve DIR. Thurman hes also struck mic
dim sized bonany in rare an valerabl
antiquities bysinkin' shafts on the sit
ov ainshent Cartridge, but hes an
of you heard my frens, ov any mant
oryaments comm to light bearin' I'll
slightest resemblance to the in
mortal feechers Ov the great ma
to whom we owe so much? / Ireferst
Cooper Nickus. The great painters G
all ages hev been singerly defishent
business foresight, or they wouldn't he
missed the opportunity to imprison h
liniments on canviss in colors that woul
wash. What would you. an |, an all {
us give this day for a mejium-sized gil
frame kromo ov the man after whom ol
club was named? Iwould give twent
five dOllars-in weekly payments
if SOma rood nooSananar would on