Ellsworth American. [volume] (Ellsworth, Me.) 1855-current, 1877-10-18

| OpcCSu-
| At the banquet given by the Ancient and
Honorable Artillery Company OF Boston,
I to the Putnam Phalanx at Hartford, Tues
day, Mark Twain spoke a. follows:
| Iwonidh't have missed this f0r great
deal. | did not assemble q, tie hotel par
Iors to-day to be received by committee
ss a mere civilian guest.
No. | assembled at the headl darters OF
the Putnam Phslanx and insisted upon my
right to be guarded 70 this place as one OF
the military guests. Applause aud
laughter. For too am = soldier. am
[ Injured Ia war. | have military history
/ have been through u stirring campaign.
aud there Is not even a mention % Il In any
history Vt the United states or VI the
southern Conied-racy. Laughter, To
/ such lengths can the envy and the mAlig-
n,ly OF the historian 20. ! will unbosom
Z my - if here. where ! eAnnOt but snd sym.
pathy | will tell 0a about it and appsAi
lhroagh yea TO Jussics. 10 the earliest
summer day, of The .wAr ] stepped Out Of
+ lIaaniDai M.soau ,isuxhtsFl. With a
\ irirnd. and .oiaed a detachment Of the
rcJsl GcusrAl Ion Harris SEmy u and
myself ia . great miuoTity heTel. Up
I gorge behind a. old barn Ia Iizlfs cosuiy
: ,oionsl R.il sE0Fe - in- lie m&as "a
.srar Jn uphold the hAg And the Constise-
I uthcr lnilHAry ufgsaizAiAsss s!1s< y xssxAi
Z dosing tise same thlag. ftssczx laus shtsrl.
I IL other WoFd.. we seF& ~ sepel layaslon.
3 Wei. Nou --s. this rnSxtd 90 Ma eould
ulf really tell which a5s We ~ege os. bus
Ne arut guto ,amp and len it 70 the God Of
b Bat'te.- Nhslh Was the The custom in that
DAY. l va, made second lieutenant amt.
7 rutrf mogui - a company Of eleysa men, <
Who DIDN'T AuOW anything about wHr-Or
ANYTHING. wchad no captain. Ny friend,
Mo Was ~ years old. six ieet high. three
feet Nii- aud some distance througiN and
{ last cat ot the infant school wa made ord
rrlY sergeant. His name was Bsu Tupper,
aud he had a hard time When he was
mounted and on the march he used 70 20
'n -,,rp. aud his hOr,r would reach around
aud bite ht- i,g. and then he would cry aud
curse amt want 10 20 home. The other
men prsteTrd him good deal. too When
they were ,I,mpunttd they said they
rouidn' ma ch tn double die with him b.
cause his iret took up 80 much room. one
might when We were around the outside OF
the circle. iu the cold, sEid one: Bet
ruppcr put down that newspaper. 1t casts
a shadow like blanket" Ben saidI II
amt got any newspaper Then that 9TH
rr fellow said 'Oh, | see! it's your ear
Laughter. We all slept In q -cofn-
on the corn. aud the rats were very thick.
Ben Tuppcr had been carefully and rigidly
reared and when he was ready for bed he
would start tn pray, and a rat would bite
him aud he would sit up and swear all
night [iaughterl aud keep every body
| awake lie was town bred, and did not
seem to have any correct idea of military
discipline. IL commanded him TO shut
up he would say, who vas your niger
last yeaiy' One evening ordered him to
ride ont ou picket duty about three miles
TO the beginning of a prsre. iSaid he:
| what IN the night, and them blamed
Union soldiers likely to be prowling around
! there any time" So he would not go
Next morning ordered him again. Said
he. "ln the rain:" He didn't go again.
Next day l.ordered him on picket duty >
once more. This time he looked hurt
Said he, What, on Sunday? You must
be burned fool
Picketing was impracticable so | dropp.
ed it from my military system. We had 4
! good enough time there at that barn bar
/ ring the rain and tine rats and the mosQui-
IOrS. and things We lived on both parties
/ imparIlniN, ani both parties hated us i'm
| partially. But Que DAY we heard that the
! invader was approaching, So we had Ia
pack up aud move. Inside OF twentv-four
( hOuEs lhe invader was coming again; so We
uoved again. And next day he was sitrr
/ e u,
We moved (Iaughter rather than To make
trouble. This went on for week or tru
days, and We saw considerable scenery
Then Ben Tupper lost patience. He saws !
WAR Is not what IL Is cracked up ito be-
/ l'm going home II can'tever get u chance
| to sit down a minute. Why do these peo.
pie keep us a humping around sog Blame
their skins, do they think this is an e1cur-
/ sion:"
! There was mutinY ana dissatisfaction all
! round, aud, OF course here came the enetGv
| pesteTing US again, two hours-more than
TWO hours-before breakfast, aud nobody
Wanted tO turn ont At that hour. This was
| a little too much. The whole command
felt insuited. | detached one of my aids,
and sent him to the briyad ier. and asked
him 10 assign Us to district where there
WAS not so much bother going on. The
history OF our company was laid before
! him, but instead of being touched by It.
what did he do? lie sent back an indig-
nant message. lie said: You have had
a dozen chances inside Of two weeks TO
capture the enemy, and he is still at large.
Il knew that Stay where you are this
time. or will court martial and hang the
whole of you" ! submitted the message
to nv battalion aud asked their advice.
Said the orderly sergeant, 'If Tom Har-
rs wants the enemy let him come here
aud get him. | haven't got any use for my
share. Who is Tom Harris, anyway,
that's putting on SO many frilis. Why,
knew him when he wasn't anything but a
burned telegraph operator. Gentlemen
you can do as you choose. As for me.
I've got enough of this sashsying round so
as you can't get a chance To pray. because
the time is all required for cussin.' So
off goes my war paint You hear me-
The whole regiment said, That's the
talk for us" So then and there nv bri-
gade disbanded itself and tramped of home,
with me at The tail end Oft. We were the
first men who went into the service IN
Missouri. and we we're the nrst that went
ont of it anywhere. Great laughter.
This. gentlemen. is the history Of the part
which any division took In the great rebel
lion. and such Is the military reeord of it's
commander int chief. And this is the first
lime that the deeds OF those eleven war
riors have been brought officially to the
notice ut humanity. Treasure these things
In your hearts, and so shall the detected
aud fraudulent historians OF this land be
brought to shame and confusion. | ask
you to till your glasses and drink with me
IL the revered memory uf the orderly SER
2eant and those other neglected and tor
gotten heroes, nv foot-sore and travel
stained paladins. who were first In war.
first In peace. and were not idle dnring the
interval that lay between.