Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1877-05-23

thief SO naturally that every time I hear
it / always stop. What are you all
laughing at, anyway"
"WHAT makes your bread 50 dark"
inquired the lady of the house of the
cook. If you please, marin, it's because
it was baked in cloudy weather." was
the reply.
John" asked doctor of the apoth-
ecary's boy, "did Mrs. Green get the
medicine | ordered?'' II guess So" re-
piled John, " for [ saw Grape on the door
knob this morning."
SAID an lrlshman who had been called
a liar; " Sir the duelIo is not now in
fashion, but if you had made that asser-
ton fifty year ago, | would call you out
tomorrow morning"
Mr.. JONES, don't you think women
are more sensible than men?' asked
Mrs. Smith. And Jones, after scratching
his favorite bump for moment or two,
said: Why, certainly, they are-they
marry men, and men onl y marry
women"
WHEN father discovers that his boy
has been using his razor to sharpen
slate-pencil with, his faith that he is to
be the father Of President is temporarily
eclipsed by his anxiety to find the boy
and a piece Of lath.
The policemen of New York have Or
gained an athletic club. "This is a
most salutary STEP" kindly says the Com
naercial Advertiser, and will materially
aid them in scaling high fences and
walls when making their escape from
burglars.
A LADY who had refused to give after
hearing a charity sermon had her pocket
picked as she was leaving the church. On
making the discovery she said: "God
could not find the way into my pocket,
but it seems the devil did"
PERHAPS the happiest moment in a
mans life (says the Oil City Derrick) is
when he wakes up from life-and-death
struggle with collar that won't stay
buttoned behind, to find that it is only
dream, and remembers that he kicked
the collar under the bed when he retired.
IT was in one of London's transport
tine theatres that the ever-famous dra-
matte criticism was delivered by sweep
in the gallery" We don't expex gram
mar, and We don't expex hacting, but yer
might jine yer flats.
The Court (severoly).-" Prisoner,
this is not the first time you have been
here. You have been convicted six
times OF vagrancy, twice of theft, once
Of The Prisoner" Your honor,
let's omit all these irrelevant details and
come to business"
EXTRACT from letter from Atchison,
Kan: "The ground is tremendously dry
here; the big rain of last week did not
reach the ground; the grasshoppers stood
on their hind legs and drank the water as
fast as it fell! So I am informed, but
this may not be true.
WIFE (reproachfully)-"O George!
-again!" Husband =" Beg y'r par'n
my dyar! - norabiroft = been t'see
Wesht'n an O'Leary walkin' roun' an
roun' an roun'-ma' me lush a lille
girry-thash all! Beside, got pair of
vertised-haven't your" -Punch.
MARRIED ladies will be so good as to
hold the Norwich Bulletin responsible for
the following: "Don't you think" she
inquired amiably, that most men are
possessed of a devil?" He said he
thought they were, particularly after
they were married.
AN old gentleman took up a patent
medicine almanac from pile lying on
druggists counter, at the same time ask
ing the clerk: care these gratuitous%'
to which the matter-of-fact young man
replied. a"Why, no, them's almanacs.
Can't you read?"
CURE FOR THE TOOTHACHE.-Ti I'D
the face in lint and apply a red hot
poker gently to the nerve In short
time grateful sensation of warmth will
be felt in the lower extremities, and then
the tooth must be promptly extracted.
The same poker will do any number of
times.
A BURLINGTON base ball man, while
out practicing the other day, thew ball
yards into kitchen window,
knocked over pot Of soup, scalded the
cook, put out the fire, spoiled the dinner
and killed cat. He is, without dispute,
" the noblest throw-man of the ball
Haockeye. SD,
The Graphic says: "When a new
pedestrienna makes her debut on the saw
dust track in Boston, the papers call it
bounding from sedentary obscurity into
the arena of peripatetic celebrity They
have to put a mustard poultice on the
back of the dictionary every night"
LAST Sabbath, just as the last raysof
the setting sun were crawling up out of
sight, worthy tramp came crawling
out of the kitchen window out on West
Hill, with his hands full of bread and
meat, and his pockets full Of napkin
rings and spoons and as he gazed around
upon the peaceful, holy scene, his heart
melted, better feelings came over him,
and as he merged in the direction of the
nearest pawn shop, he sang softly and
Sweet Sabbath thieve.'-
Burlington Haavkeye.
A SCoTCH minister thus discoursed ON
the carelessness of his flock: ''Brethern.
when you leave the church, just look
down at the dukes swans; they were
bonny swans, an they'll be cooming
about an'aye docking doom they heads
an LAYING themselves WI the clear water
till they are a sleekit; then you'll see
them cOOmin to the shore am thew will