Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1877-03-26

A woman who was told that some
tables in Russian department wero, --'ade
of malachite, exclaimed :-s-Hry goodness :
I tboupbt Malashfre was one of the
propbOs~-''
The Danbury NeaoS says: "Put peck
of Jersey mosquitoes under blue glass,
and in two days you will have spring
chickens large enough for the New York
boarding houses" >"
A love-sick girl who had married
against her fathers wishes, came back
after the first conjugal tiff kill the
prodigal," exclaimed the father; "the
calf has returned
A Newark husband who, when he
courted his wife, was constantly signing
for the "Sweet bye-and-bye," doesn't
think so much of it now that it has been
attained. He complains that it has
been buy and buy until he is almost dis
gusted.
An Irishman employed with gentle
man was in the habit of licking the
cream. So the gentleman rose one morn
ing to watch him. He caught Pat in
the act. 81 don't like this at all, - says
the master angrily. "Then, by jabbers, T"
says Pat, "you don't know what's good" Z"
A gentleman, who rather suspected
some one was peeping through the key
hole Of his office door, investigated with
syringe full of pepper sauce, and went
home to find his wife had been cutting
wood, and chip had hit her in the eye.
A very tall, thin Highlander said that
he chad a cold in his head. originating
in wet feet" She looked at him slowly
from head to foot. and back again, as il
measuring the distance the cold had had
to travel, and then calculated. Gracious
me- You must have got your feet wet
some time last year"
A certain Boston deacon lately formed
his Sunday school in line and marched
them along the aisles, himself in front
singing "Hold the Fort" The conster.
nation which seized all parties at the
second stanza can be better imagined
than described:
"See the mighty host advancing,
Satan leading on"
The deacon has objected to new methods
ever since.
The last capillary song is: "Only ;
gray hair darling !" But when his wifi
whose own hair is short and red
came to examine it more closely. she sav
that it was as yellow as saffron, an,
nearly three feet long. She knew in
minute where it came from and befor
he could begin to explain how it got o.
the shoulder of his coat. the air was S
full Of his own hair that he thought on
of Prof Tice's cyclones had como alon
that way.
There is a familiar sort of dead bea
in town who owes everybody, and thei
relations. The other day he was walkin
hastily down the street, when he accost
cd a merchant who was standing in tn
door Of his store with: "What time
it by that watch and chain of yours +?
'It's time you paid that bill you ow
me" was the reply. "Great gosh p sal
the dead beat, "is it as late as that
I'm afraid I'll miss that train" and h
moved off at the rate of sixty seconds
minute.
A lady of Omaha who determined {
surprise her husband few nights ag
bought him a new pair of rubbers an
placed them by the bedside, so that whe
he came in she could enjoy his deligl
at such a fond exhibition of love an
affection. The man stayed out so la
that his wife fell asleep, and when
came in his eyes fell upon the overshoe
He was just about to stab himself wi
a cheese knife when he reconsidered h
intention and determined to rouse
wife and tell her that he knew a
= Grabbing her by the hair be yelled ou
. This once happy home is desolated
,r a faithless woman's per6dy," and point
'i to the overshoes. 1t took nearly t,
hours to explain, and then he forga
> her. with the understanding that s
would make him pair of slippers wi
N. his monogram and dog on the ton.