Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1877-09-20
No. A.
BITS OF FUN.

A dentists sign-Drawirg, music and
dancing.
The man at the wheel has q stern duty to
An unpaid for qacht is now politely termed
a floating debt.
Affection which is never reciprocated-
Neuralgia affection.
How to find out what's in. a name-Put it
on the back of a note.
Better to have loved short girl than never
to have loved a tall.
my friends" said minister, as preface
to his sermon, ''let US say few words before
we begin"
The communist wants to earn his bread by
the sweat of some other fellows brow.
The favorite toast at Providence celebra-
tions is one gratifying State pride, and is
drank ITO old r. l."
What trees are those which, when fire is
applied to them, are exactly what they were
before7 Ashes.
A Wall street man wants to know what is
the difference between the day-rate OF gold
and the nitrate of silver.
Great contest after two months OF married
life-Which shall be speaker of the house.
An Irishman returned from his travels
CALAMITY compared his landladyto Vesuvius,
because she was fine old crater.
An old negro cook says, ''Sass is powerful
good in everything but children. Dey needs
some oder kind of dressin."
What is the difference between charity and
q tailor? The first covers multitude OF sins;
the second multitude of sinners.
Why is young lady who has just left
~ ~ hri1 onn1nnItfQQr
Because she is ready to receive proposals.
One of the advantages of vaunted sum-
mer residence was that it commanded view
of the station and all the people who missed
the train.
The misery of the young man who courts
sparkling fashionable belle and loses her is
only excelled by the misery OF the man who
courts her and wins her.
The bedchambers of a certain seaside resort
are said to have this placard: ''Snoring must
be done in the minor notes and only at rare
intervals, or not at all.
''Did you notice how splendidly l went
through that last reel at the ball last night,
Tom ?" "Yes, and also noticed that you
kept it up all the way home.
Vistor-'I see you have new girl"
Housekeeper-''I took her week on trial"
-'And how do you like her?" House
keeper-'The trial is almost more than
can bear"
A Michigan father writes to the faculty OF
Yale: ''What are your terms tor year!
And does it cost anything extra If my son
wants to learn to read and write as well as
row a boat?"
James Onion is conspicuous advocate for
the workingmen of Baltimore. When the
peelers got hold of him all eyes were natur-
ally suffused with tears
It is said that Josh Billings nets $4,000
year. This shows how true philosopher
Richard Grant White was when he said Eng
lish grammar was of no use-fA'S0deepA'0
Press.
A certain young gentleman went on re-
cent steamboat excursion. On bis return ne
was asked if there was any swell on the
ocean. He replied, with becoming dignity:
Eyes, when got there there was.
''Musing on the infinite, eh p said face.
tious chap to q melancholy looking individual
who was walking along the roadside with
bowed head and serious cOuntenance. "Well,
yes; same thing-thinking OF my debts
"Have YOU 'Goldsmiths Greece?'" was
asked Of the clerk in the store in which books
and various miscellaneous articles were sold.
''No," said the clerk refectively, 1--WE haven't
Goldsmith's grease, but we have some splen-
did hair oil!"
Loving wife-'Those accounts of the war,
love. are so untrustworthy; they contradict
each other like don't know what" Sweet
husband-''I do; they contradict like wife
does her husband Loving wife (tenderly)
-"Or husband does his wife, dear
"Why is this called Jacobs ladder?" asked
charming woman as he and she were going
up the steepest portion of the Mount w ASH
ington Railway ''Because," he replied, with
look that emphasized his words, ''there are
angels ascending and descending OCCASION
ally" He squeezed her hand.
.Why don't you speak distinctly" crieda
passenger to brakeman who announced the
names of stations in an utterly unntelllglble
manner, Il can't understand word you
say" whats that to me?' responded the
brakeman. "You don't expect to have tine,
clear tenor at $50 month, do you"
"You speak of mixed crowd" observed
the opposing lawyer, ''now what do you
mean bv mixed crowd?'" eff might
venture definition" politely interposed the
witness. II should say that an Irish row
might be called 'Mick's crowd" The
lawyer gave up the examination.
We nominate J. Billings for the next Pres
ident-of the Fonetic Spelling Asosiashun.-
PAiladelphsn Press Gud enuf. Second the
moshun.- Grafk. Cum now!-Nu Orleans
Ivms If the Graphite and the Knew Orleans
Times had as hard work as we have to phil
out column, they wouldd hesitate befoare
lendding their support to emmy systemm OF
pshorttenning words We will stand by emmy
psystemm of oarthaugraphie that will make
two or three words fill pparragraphhhhh.-
Globe Democrat