Connecticut western news., 1877-05-11
HUMOROUS.


 AN OLD BACHELOR, very fond of geo. logical studies, had an old housekeeper. The minister, meeting her one day in the road, asked, "Well, Lizzie, how is your master ?'' "Deed, sir, he's no weel ava," she replied. "No? What is l the matter with him, Lizzie?" sGude kens, sir; but he's aye complainin', and troth, sir, he'll ne'er be weel." "How is that, Lizzie?" "Weel, sir, ye see he's ae write, writin' a the day maist, an lang into the hours O nicht. an he canna get richt and weel.. "What is he writing about, Lizzie?" "Ah, gude kens, air; but it's nae gude. He reads lang skreeds O it to me whlles f the torenicht; but deed I'd rather be writing about?" "Weel," said she, drawing close up to her intcrrogator, and speaking iN subdued voice, Gas I said, it's nae gude, sir; it's history O the warld afore the creation!'
 THE plantation negroes were engaged in pitching cOppers. It was discovered that after while several coppers were missing, though no one had been de- tected in picking up any but his own pennies. One old negro, whose coppers had mysteTiously disappeared, at length becoming satisfied in his mind that there was foul play going on, and ob serving that one of the barefooted party had peculiar way every now and then of jerking his foot up to his hand, called pause in the game, saying: "De gemman wifi de tar on his heel will please to wifdraw." The suspected in dividual retiring on this polite invita- tion, the game went on without the mysterious disappearance of any more cOppers.
 MANY new dresses are supplemented across the back by porous plasters and next to vest front a mustard pOultice is generally worn. Young ladies alternate, during the spring months, between a necklace for street wear and a flannel rag for the house. Diamonds are worn in the ears with much effect abroad, but a lock of cotton and a little roast onion is the usual adornment at home. Pearl powder is applied to the shoulders for full dress, but camphorated oil and hartshorn liniment are considered very pretty also by the sufferers. Silk stock lungs, with colored crochet work are the things for loW-laced shoes, but pails of hot mustard water and hot bricks are worn on tine feet with pleasing effect. WoMAN.-There is no telling what zoe would do without woman. We rather suspect that if it were not for woman there would not be much of "aoe" left to trouble the other inmates in this fighting, 'wrangling," sinful world. Mark Twain, the witty and the waggish, knows what she is. He tells us that woman sews on our buttons; she ropes + al,,, l. cos, -I.@ T in us; she tells us about the little pri- vate affairs of the neighbors; she gives us good advice and plenty of it; she gives us piece of her mind sometimes, and sometimes all of it; she darns our socks; but, darn it.! she is too proud to darn our pantaloons. We'll, notwith- standing this, she is "brick."
 A MAN named Jean de Falasie was hanged in the sixteenth century for a series of murders. To all questions he replied with a song, and on the scaffold, and in the presence of 6,000 persons, he asked and obtained permis- sion to say few words. Then he begged the throng to join in the chorus of a popular ditty, ''There were four asses in a field, nipping the tender grass" which consisted of limitations of praying. Then said Jean: 'I die happy, because at my last moment l have heard 6,O00 asses praying at once, and have no desire to live with such felloW-creatures.
 IN THE late Professor Hills class at college the gilded buttons of one of the students happened to reflect the rays of the sun upon the professors face, who, as may be supposed, ordered the gentle man to give over throwing reflections on him. The student, totally ignorant of the matter, with the utmost sim- plicity, said that Che would be the last in the class who would cast refections on the professor
 THE MAN AFTER HER HEART.-He had said something that pleased her, and so she exclaimed, enthusiastically
 "You're a man after my own heart !''
 Then replied he, tenderly:
 "And who should be after your heart, dear, if not I-your lover?"
 On this the proper "bills" were then and there compared, and his claim passed undisputed. - Chicago Eventns Journal.
 THEIR FIRST -sBefore we were married," said he to friend ''she used to say sby-by' SO sweetly when went down the steps," "And now what does she say ?" asked the friend. "Oh, just the same," exclaimed the man, buy, buyP" "Ah, see, said the other, ''she only exercises $ little different 'spell' over you." AN OLD gentleman wishing to be al ease on horseback, took his horse to { riding-master to be taught to amble Two or three trials were made upon the animal with but partial success. Come , sir; do you call this an amble ?" saiC } the owner. "No, sir" replied the eques trian, 'I call it preamble"
 | A YOUNG LADY dressed in much false } hair was warbling at the piano, anC } when her mother summoned her to as- sist in some household duties, her rosy ''O, do it yourself! and then went or , singing, "Kind words can never die.' MRS. PENNINGTON is in Washington } the wife of very wealthy contractor She has been explaining why she haC not been able to receive calls. We are building an extenuation to our house, said she.
 IF FIVE and a half yards make { perch, how many will make trout t Answer that and then this: If two l hogsheads make>a pipe, how many will 3 make cigar9
 ! "HE's GROWN to be polished gentle l man, anyway" said an old lady, gazins , fondly as she spoke at the shining bal( head of her son, just returned after
 long absence.
 SCIENTIFIC FACT.-It would be in teresting to know just what thought : rush through the mind of a man wh' sits down on a coil of hot steam pipe