South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1877-11-30
WIT AND HUMOR.

through the iron gate OF French luna.
tic asylum Patient-That's fine horse,
what's it WORTH Keeper-s500. Pa
tient-And what did that gun cost?-
Keeper-S100. Patient-And those |
dogs? Kcepsr-sSO believe. Patient
What have you got in that game.bag9
Keeper-A woodcock. Patient-Well,
now. you had better hurry on, for if our
governor catches man who has spent
$3.50 to get woodcock worth 80 cents,
he'll have him under lock and key in no
time, l tell you.
~A gentleman was called upon to
apologize for words uttered when in
wine. 81 beg pardon" said he, 81 did
not mean TO say what did; but I've
had the misfortune to lose some Of my
front tceth, and words slip out every
now and then without my knowing it."
Ur"Having in my youth severe no
tons of piety," says Persian writer,
Il used to arise in the night watches to
mediate. pray, and read the Koran
One night, fully occupied with these
practices, my father, man Of practical
piety, awoke. Behold (said ID thy
other children are lost in irreligious
slumber, while alone awake to praise
God" "Son Of my SOUL" answered he
sit is better to sleep, than wake to re-
mark the faults of thy brethren p
@T The reason why cream is so dear
is said to be that the milk has risen so
high, it is impossible for the cream to
reach the surface.
II Keep out of debt, out Of quarrels.
out Of damp clothes. out Of reach Of Ii
quors, and out of doors all you can in
good weather.
W"Doos this razor take hold well?"
asked the smiling barber. EYES," re-
piled the unhappy victim, sit takes hold
well, but it don't let go worth cent"
EV An Irishman, fresh from the old
country, saw turtle for the first time,
and at once made up his mind to cap
ture it. The turtle caught him by the
finger, and he, holding it out at arms
length, said: Faith, and We had better
let loose the how'll we have, or I'll kick
We out of the very box We sit in, be
jabsrs.'
WA lady reader writes to the New
York Herald for recipe to remove free
kles. A lady in Rome who has tried
the remedy. recommends the following !:
Battle the face lightly with cologne wa
ter after tea, and at about 10 p NJ brush
both cheeks, the forehead and chin with
carefully selected mustache. If this
does not remove the freckles it will, un.
der ordinary circumstances, cause them
TO be forgotten.-Roine Sentinel.
~A good little boy who was kicked
by mule did not say naughty words or
go home crying to his mother. He just
tied the mule within five feet of bee.
hive, backed him round to it, and let
him kick Richmond Dispatch.
Texas TABLE TALK.-A San Anto.
MO gentleman recently had occasion to
visit neigEboring town. He did not
expect much in the way of accommoda-
ton at the local hotel, and in this his
anticipatious were more than realized.
He was very hungry but had tho luck
to lose most of his appetite before he
got through with his dinner, owing TO
his discovering few blonde hairs in the
soup. He thought the landlord would
feel very bad about it, but that gentle
man merely remarked, as he excavated
perishing fly from the butter: "All /
ask is, Judge that you don't Gsh 'em out
with your finger. You have got to use
fork. 1t is one of the rules of the
house that no gentleman is expected to
put his finger in the yictuals. This amt
no railroad town, but when it comes to
style and tone we carry off the blue rib.
bon every time the horn toots.-San
AntoHio Herald.
The proposition TO introduce Ia
dies as railroad conductors is frowned
upon in view of the fact that their trains
are always behind.
CV Dean Swift said that the reason
certain university was q learned place
was that most persons took some learn.
ing there, and but few brought any away
with them, and so il accumulated.
Ba5>"Yes," she whispered to her friend