The Middlebury register. [volume] (Middlebury, Vt.) 1850-1882, 1877-02-17
The Enec, of the Presidential Middle

The Eject OF the Presidential Muddic.
Mr.. Euripides johnson il young
man, always supposed TO be ofexcellent
moral character, with pale face and
long yellow hair. lie gains subsistence
the best way he can, and spends his
leisure hours (Which are numcrous) in
reading the political departments of the
New York papers. lie boards at the
elegant hashery of Mrs. Mullaly, on. the
Western Reserve. Last Saturday even
ing that amiab,e female besoughl
him to rcmunerate her for the care, ac-
commodation, boiled potatoes, mystery
and other entertainment of the pnl
week in the sum of $500 in cash.
"Mrs Mullaly," said he, "a fearful
cloud of dark uncertainty hangs over
our beloved country. And who is elect
ed president Is one of those things that
no fellow can find out. Look at that
$4,000 check in Oregon look at the
armed revolts in louisiana; look at the
frauds and intimidation in both Caroli-
mas, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida;
look at the shotgun and White League
policy all over the sunny South. Look
at Cronin-oblige me, Mrs. Mullaly, by
gazing upon that elaborate ass who pre-
tends to be whole electoral college,
and comes to Washington with thou
sand dollars for each member in his
pocket, to vote for Tilden and get
drunk. Just think of ii marm."
BE dad, I'm after thinking when I'll
get the shtamps that ye owe mean
me wildly wild five small childher."
"Don't you take any interest in poll
tics, Mrs. Mullaly?
! "Divil the interest" was the lady's
laconic reply.
''Don't you know anything about
Returning Boards2"
81 know q washing boord, an think
Ia know yes boord whin | see it,
though it's a long while since me eyes
had the .blcssin'," said she, sarcastically.
You shouldn't exibit such sordid
spirit when the country of your adop-
ton is in peril, Mrs. Mullaly, but as you
are not posted on these matters I'll show
you how the returns are made"
He then took from his pocket six sill
yer half dollars and laid them on the
table. She reached for the-., -. 10
kept lIcI buck wItn Uur hand ana max
ing oratorical gestures with the other,
he proceeded:
"The money you see before YOU i
mine and is majority. but 1 owe il to
you and if the returns were properly
made you would be elected-to have 1t
Now, l am the Returning Board and will
proceed to canvass this vote. You
charge me for six days and the law en-
powers me to throw out all days when
fraud OF intimidation was used. Now
, to commence with Monday. That was
: washing day, and found a piece Of leat
, resembling bullet in the hash, which
indicates an attempt to carry out tht
shotgun policy on your part; that day il
, therefore thrown out" and he pocketet
one ofthc half dollars. Tuesday, YOU
youngest son, Mike, poured watcl
on the front door step, whereby l wa
7 precipitated violently to the ground ant
2 much inundated about the knees ant
elbows. Therefore throw out Tuesda!
I and put back another half dollar"
3. "Arrah now, to the divil wild yer non
sense and pay me phat We owe me-" sale
Mrs. Mullaly.
"Silence, marm," retorted Euripide
=, sternly. ''Do not insult or cross-ques
. ton the Board. Wednesday will coun
: in for you. Thursday there wa
! a hair In the butter. 1t didn't belon,
q there and consequently there was fraud
!. We throw out Thursday and replace an
n other coin. Friday, as | can prove b.
+ afiidavits from several eminent chemists
n experienced in measuring the percentag'
). of alcohol in lager beer, the coffee wa
Y made of roasted peas, which is glaringl,
!. illegal, and the day is counted out. =.
: Back went another fifty-cent piece int
|, his pocket and Mrs. Mullaly commenced
: Och We numbering spalpeen,'-
4 "Ah. ha!" yelled the Rcturnin,
y Board. "Wouldst bull-doze and intim
!. idate me? Wouldst attempt to influenc
i my action by threats, bribes or promise
!. ofreward? This, corrupt woman, is tn
+ crowning outrage and compels me t
!. throw out Saturday" He thon pickle,
p up another half dollar and pointing t.
q the solitary one remaining said 9Th
z Board has performed its work. If yo
e are not satisfied you can appeal to Cor
q gress." She reached for the broom
a with gesture more eloquent tina
= words, and he silently fitted out of tn
s door into the cold, bleak night.
!. She won't appeal to Congress, bu
q when that Returning Board come
# around within her reach II will 90
# cracked.