The Milan exchange. (Milan, Gibson County, Tenn.) 1874-1978, 1877-01-04
How to Carve a Turkey.

In many a household to-day the pros
pective son-in-law of the family will be
called upon to carve turkey, the old
man observing with a fendish leer that
he can not do better than begin to learn
now, so that when he has house Of
his own he can do the honors. There
is no escape, and, as the victim has to
yield, he may as well do so gracefully.
1t is well in some cases to feign the ex-
IRENE reluctance that you feel and ut
ter some light and timely witticism,
such as, "Oh, you want me to be like
the Emperor of Russia and dismember
Turkey, eh?" This will create admira-
ton for your knowledge and ready wit
among the ladies. 1t should always be
made an imperative rule to observe, af-
ter critically examining it, that the
carving-knife is dull; this insures a safe
retreat in event of disaster, thing that
a good General always makes provision
for. Having faced your foe, the tur-
key, it should be borne in mind precise
ly what your object is. If you begin the
encounter under the erroneous idea that
you ought to try to carve the turkey in
dead earnest, you need read no further
in this article, for you won't succeed,
and you will sit down discounted,
blushing, and miserable. No; your aim
should be to make yourself feared
to inspire those present with
such awe and horror that they will
never again ask you to do more than a
guests share of the work at table
eating. First, therefore, look at the
turkey critically, and ask who bought
it and cooked it. Your future mother
in-law will say, with flutter of pleased
Importance. ''Me," (which will be truth
full if ungrammatical; and, as you
should never lose an opportunity of
putting the old lady down, it is well to
say that the bird is tough, and over
done or underdone, as the case may
be. A turkey wears the joint of his
hind-legs very high in the waist, and
those of his front legs very low in the
neck, and with little care you can,
before you reach the joints in question,
hack that bird until he looks like the
ruins after nitro-glycerine explosion
Keep up a pleasant fire of witticisms
all the time, such as, swell, that is
tough!" 81 bet this turkey was in the
Ark" "The knife isn't very sharp
let me have a spoon!" When you
have dismembered the beast, you will
be an expert or soft-hearted indeed if
you haven't fragments of him greas-
ing the cloth in at least seven
different places. There are two
or three admirable feats that,
however, require nerve and practice to
execute. If the dish is at all greasy, by
putting plenty of leverage on the knife
and fork you can make the whole bird
fly through the air to a distance of sew
eral feet and land in the lap of lady.
If you do this, don't mar the effect by
apologizing, but say boldly, "Miss, I'll
trouble you for that turkey" An ex-
pert can also, while breaking up the
carcass, send shower of dressing over
the whole company in an effective man.
ner. But the tyro, who is afraid to
venture on any OF these tours-dJence,
can always drop spoon into the gravy
boat and splash few guests. Remem-
Der that if you miss the person you
aimed at you will hit some one else, or
at the very worst the greasy liquid will
attain the table-cloth or carpet. BY
judieiously following these rules, you
may be certain to inspire your hosts with
such terror that they will either surren-
der at discretion before you have ruined
more than three silk dresses and two
square-yards of table-damask, or never
ask you to carve again the longest
Christmas-day you live. In either case
your object will have been attained
Chicago Tribune.