Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1877-04-13
F. UJ II :

A young minister had gone to pros
porous church i'll certain town to preach
his first sermon. Before leaving the house
the gentleman who was entertaining him
suggested to him not to preach against the
Unlversalists. "There are," said he, ''sev-
eral Universalists families who have pews
in our church, and we do not want them
offended" The young minister promised.
At the church vestibule one of the deacons
drew him aside, and said, ''Do you see
those gentlemen passing in? They are
Spiritualists, but they come to church oc-
casionally. 1 wish you would be careful
not to say anything that might hurt their
feelings" The minister promised. AS he
was ascending the pulpit steps one Of the
elders button-holed him for d moment to
whisper an additional caution-''The lead
ing liquor dealer has just come into church,
and he gives us a lift sometimes. l wish
you would be particular not to allutie to
the whisky business or the temperance
question: The young minister getting
fairly frightened to see the moral ground
thus narrowing before him, inquired:
t'Pray. who or what shall preach against,
then?' The elders reply came with ali
air of triumph-''Preach against the Jews;
they haven't got friend in town.
At d country village church few Sun
days ago a clergyman from distance of
ficiated, as special sermon in aid Of To-
cal charity was to be preached. The rev.
h1H cole J,y
the occasion, and when giving it out, also
named the tune to which he wished it
to be sung. There was. however, no
response from the organ gallery, and,
thinking the organist had not dis
tinctly heard him, be again repeat
ed the name of the tune. All eyes were
directed toward the organ gallery, from
which ''clcking," half smothered sound
emanated. Presently the curtains were
drawn aside, and aportly; red-faced perso',
appeared, eXclaiming, Tits no use, Eur, sh.
won't 60 it l tell you she won't go it !"
The reverend geEtlem II had not been ill
formed that there Was a barrel-organ in
the church.
A boy came down Linwood Avenue on
the rush, IA few nights since. in an excited
manner, and said that there were lot OF
lights in the Jewish battle-ground. Half a
dozen scientific men, four l0afers and a dog
started off to see them. The graveyard
was as dark as such places usually are.
':Where are the lights 2" asked big man
OF the boy.
The youngster backed off to safe dis
lance, and yelled cut.
Underground they are Israelites !"
He ran for his life.
ssIt's all very we!l,' remarked red
nosed man, ia a bad hat and ulster of tic
vintage Of '73, Its all very we'll 10 Say
slet business revive but what we want IL
confidence, public, sir. Each of us must
be willing to bring out our h''ai ded dolli,i.
and put them once more in circLatio'
Then the skies will brighten. tht Il 10y ii
way, changed my vest this mornlhg-leIe
ME fifty cents, Will your
A country pastor said to one of his femi-
nine congregations:
Are you i.appy?"
Eyes, Sir" she replied, l feel as though
l We're in Beelzsbub's brsom."
mot in Beelzebub
swell, some of the patti iarchs, 1 dom
know VIII ich.''
ae had been in the habit of making very
frequent calls on a very agreeable lady OF
his acquaintance, and on entering her par
lor one evening, he said, "Weh, Miss Sims,
here am again, as regularly as the fever
and ague.'' ''Oh, no. she said demurely
that comes only every otier day"
A country paper in an obituary notice
of a subscribers son, Says:
s.Te was an uncommon smart boy. Had
little too much curiosity, perhaps, or he
wouldn't have peered SO fatally into the
muzzle of his fathers loaded shotgun"
A witness in the box, questioned by .
lawyer as to the general reputation OF
another witness, was asked whether the in
dividual was not a notorious liar. "Why''
said he, mot exactly that; but lie is what
call an Intermittent liar"
When boy was asked Where was the
text this morning ?" He replied, cit was
somewhere in hatches'' sin matches p
No, it was in Acts.' swell. knew it was
something that would CUT said the boy
tliumphantly.
An Iowa paper speaks of a man having
been !ynched "for burning the barn and
contents of bis son-in-law." Any man
who will burn the contents of his scn-in-
law ought to be lynched.
81 wonder If its seasckness that makes
sailors always a-heaving up anchors!' ex-
claimed Aunt Hepzlbath, as she looked
thoughtfully up from her morning papers.
An Alabama editor winds up an edito-
rial on the corn crop with the remark
I'VE nave on exhibition il our sanctum
a pair of magnificent ears"
'1Ah, parson. wish l could carry my
gold with me.F' said dying man to his
pastor 1T might melt was the consol-
ing answer.
We're in pickle noE,' said man in
crowd IA regular jam, said another,
Heaven preserve us. said an old lady.
ST you can't be lighthouse. saws Mr..
Meod, ''be CANDLE" Plenty of the girls
would rather be half match.