The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1877-03-28
Jacob Van Dreyer-Funpy Man.

Jacob Van Dryer of Michigan was not
only worth $4,000 when he died the
other day, but he WAS the funniest of
the funny men. lie was funny in
his looks. in his ways, in his laugh,
and.in his speech, and one day when
asked why he did not write for the pa
pers, he replied:
''Some day schall pegin to do So
He began the other day when he
died, or, rather, just before he died.
When told by the doctor that his flame
Of life would not flicker beyond two or
three days. Jacob replied:
"Vhell, dot is all right. Go down
und tell my clerk in der saloon to set
'em up for.de poys. 1t isn't so hot to
die in Shanuary as Schuly, also prlng
me n lawyer. dot shall make my
WILL"
He made a will. The corpulent Mrs.
Van Dreyer wiped her weeping eyes
and wondered if he would leave all to
her, and her thin-waisted daughter and
thick wasted sons felt sad hearted and
figured on about ST, 900 each.
The lawyer was closeted with uncle
Jake, for two or three hours, and
those in the next room were frequent.
ly and greatly surprised to hear the
dying man call out:
cha! ha! ha! but won't dot provision
in der will shurst make all der newsba"
bers read funny!''
Something tickled Jacob Van Dreyer,
but what it was no one could find out.
He laughed just as mnch after the
lawyer had departed, and as his family
gathered around his dying bed he
smiled blandly and said:
my dear ones, hat made a will.
All the wives and shildren are provid-
ed for in their latest Paris style, und I
hope you will be we'll bleased-ha
Ia! ha!''
They thought his mind wandered,
but that's where they were lame. His
mind was as sound as brick, and his
head was level. He was grinning and
'chuckling when ldeath overlook him,
and when the coffin was opened in
church for last look, the face of the
dead Van Dreyer wore a pleased ex-
preston. The mystery was revealed
when his will was opened It was in
due and legal form, and the first pro-
vision read:
ITO my good and faithful wife
give and beQueath the sum of $4,000,
cash in bank, provided that the said
Augusta Van Dreyer suffers the loss of
her ears within three days from the
date of my burial. In case she re-
fuses to part with her ears, she shall
have the sum of $500 cash, and no
more.
When Frau Van Dreyer heard the
above provision read, she clapped her
fat hands to her large ears, uttered a
yell of dismay and despair, and tainted
dead away. If there was any fun about
that she couldn't relish it. The second
provision Of the will related to Carl,
the oldest son, and it read: "a.
''My son Carl is very fond of hunt
ing. l give and bequeath to him the
sum of SIS, 900 in U. S. bonds. and I
have secreted them where he will
have all the hunting he wants before
he finds them. If he never discovers
them, they are to be given to the Ger
man schools of Detroit
''Dot is pig shoke on me !" grow1-
ed Carl and he left the room to find
consolation in his pipe, while the law
yer read the third provision
''My daughter Katrina is always be-
fore the looking glass when she should
be helping her mother or mending her
brothers. clothes. I direct that my
saloon be sold as soon as possible, and
'one-half the money laid out in look
ing glasses for Katrina, while the
other half be given her for the pur-
chase of ribbons
sob vhas born to hear such dings
as doze?' walled the thin-waisted
Katrina, and she would have tainted
away had not the son Carl made
face at her through the side window.
and aroused her sisterly indignation.
The lawyer had solemn duty to per-
form, and he continued reading.
my second son, Hans, is lazy and
good-natured. l give and bequeath
him my grocery building, land and
stock, knowing that he will have MOTH
ing left at the end of a year. Before
entering into possession he shall saw
and split six cords of hickory wood.
If he fails to comply with this pro-
vision, the property shall be sold and
the proceeds donated to some German
orphan asylum IN Michigan
ssSuch shokes--such shoakes! g:oaned
Hans, and he slid out to comfort the
fat Carl, who was wondering if the
bonds left him were buried in the eel.
lar or hidden in the garnet. There was
still another son. ne sat in the cor.
ner, grinning at his mother and wink
ing at Katrina, and the lawyer went
on:
my son Gustavus is a good boy land
therefore leave him just what I be-