Bradford opinion. [volume] (Bradford, Vt.) 1874-1881, 1877-08-11
POTIPHAR AND COLUMBUS.
Who Discovered Amcrica-The Most AstOI
ishing Lie on Record.

Who Discovered Amcricn-The Most Aston
ishing Lie on Record.
~ soe," said the professor, cockin
up his legs upon the stove in the grocer
store ; 81 see that they talk of puttin
up monument to Christopher Colum
bus. It's too bad the way the peopl
We been fooled about him. He neve
discovered America, and I've made NJ
my mind to bust that old fraud an,
shake him out and let the people se
what kind of n rotten old swindle he is.
you say that Columbus didn't dis
cover America ?" said Mr.. Partridge.
Certainly he didn't. He was I
mean, lubberly sneak, who went pad
ding around in scow letting on he wal
doing big things when he hadn't plucl
enough to get out of sight of land.'
"Who did discover it, then ?"
"Well, I'll tell you fellows in advance
of publication, but mind you lay low
about it. 1t was Potiphar p
"What was his first name?'
"First namel Why, he hadn't any
1t was only Potiphar-old Pharaoh'f
Potiphar, you know"
"How'd You find out about it ?"
"Why, you know old Gridley, up in
the citya Well, last year he was in
Egypt, and he brought home mummy,
oil wrapped up in bed clothes and
soldered around with sealing wax.
Gridley asked me to come over and help
to undress him, and SO we tackled that
mummy, and after rolling off a couple
of hundred yards of calico we reached
him. Looked exactly like dried beef.
Black as your hat and just about tender
enough to chip down for tea. Gridley
said he'd like to know who the old
rooster was, and I looked him over to
find out. You know how they put up n
mummy, don't you? Take out all his
machinery inside, and fill him up with
nutmegs and cinnamon. Then they set
brass door-plate in his stomach and
make some little memoranda, with obitu-
ary poetry, and all that kind of thing.
Anyhow, after polishing him up with a
fesh-br for minute or two, I found
the door plate, and with some care I
managed to read the inscription on it.
It was this {: am Potiphar, servant of
Pharaoh. I was buried 5000 years be-
fore the Christian era. I discovered
America. G. Columbus was m i'm
postor. That's what the inscription said,
and in my opinion that settles it. Now,
I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've
had a cast made of that dried beef, and I
intend to have it swelled all out and
made into statue. and I'm going to set
it up at my own expense alongside the
statue Of Columbus, and have sign put
on it to the effect that Columbus is
ragged old fraud. Then I intend to get
up memorial to Congress asking it to
change the name of the country to Poti-
pharia, and to make Potiphar's sacred
animal, the Tom cat, the emblematical
bird of the nation, instead of the eagle.
Be big thing, won't it, to compel every
body to sing Hail, Potipharia, happy
land ! and 'Potipharia, the Gem of the
Ocean?'"
"You may read the inscription on the
plate" said Partridge. 81 didn't know
you understood the language"
"Can read it as easy as A, B. c."
"' Buried 5000 years before the
Christian era, I think you said it read.
How did old Pot know anything about
The Christian era if he died that long
before? %
"Blamed if I know. Cast his pro-
phetic eye over the future, s'pose."
"Well, how in the thunder could he
tell that Columbus was going to claim
20 discover America ?"
"That's so. I dunno. Is kind of
lueer."
"Do you know what I think of you ?"
Isked Partridge. II think you'd lie the
lair off of an old-fashioned trunk, and
hat if was asked to nominate the cham
,ion American fraud to 60 ON pedestal
It some national exhibition, I'd send in
our name."
"Would you, though, really?'
"I would"
"Well, its surprising how well you
now me-
The Potiphar memorial has not yet
een sent to Congress.