Clearfield Republican. [volume] (Clearfield, Pa.) 1851-1937, 1877-10-31
MARK TWAIN'S WAR RECORD.
HE TELLS 1T ALL IN SPEECH AT THE
ANCIENT AND HONORABLE BANQUET
AT HARTFORD.

wouldn't have missed being here
for good deal The last time | had
the privilege of breaking bread with
soldiers was some years ago with the
oldest military organization in Eng
land, the Ancient and Honorable Ar.
tilley Company Of London, somewhere
about its six hundredth anniversary
and now ! have enjoyed this privilege
with its eldest child, the oldest militia
ry organization in America, the An
cient and Honorable Artillery Compa-
ny OF Massachusetts, on this their two
hundred and fortieth anniversary.
Fine old stock, both of you and il yon
fight as well as you feed, God protect
the enemy. | did not assemble at the
hotel parlors today to be received by
n Committee as mere civilian guest
NoJ ! assembled at the headquarters
OF the Putnam Phalanx and insisted
ugon my right TO be escorted to this
place as one OF the military guests.
For ], too, am soldier. am Injured
to war | have military history.
have been through stirring cam.
paign, and there is not even q mention
of It in any history of the United
States or of the Southern Coniederacy.
To such lengths can the envy and ma
lignity of the historian go. ! will un-
bosom myself here, whore | cannot
but find sympathy. | will tell you
about it and appeal through you to
justice. In the earliest summer days
of the war, | slipped out Of Hannibal,
Mo-, by night, with friend, and join
cd detachment OF the rebel General
Tom Harris q find myself in a great
minority here) army, up gorge be-
hind an old barn in Rails county. Col.
Rails, of Mexican war celebrity, swore
us in. He made us swear to uphold
the flag and Constitution OF the United
States, and to destroy every other
military organization that we caught
doing the same thing, which being in
terpretcd means that we were to re-
pei invasion. Well, you see this mix
ed us. We couldn't really tell which
side we were on. But we went into
camp and left it to the God of battles.
For that was the term then. | was
made Second Lieutenant and Chief
Mogul of company of eleven men
who knew nothing about war-nor
anything, for we had no Captain. My
friend, who was 10 years old, six feet
high, three feet wide and some dis
taDce through, and just out OF tho in
fant school, was made orderly. sergeant.
His name was Ben Upper He had
hard time. When he was mounted,
and on the march, he used to go to
sleep and his horse would reach |
around to bite him on the leg, and then
he would wake up and cry and curse
and want to go home. The other men
pestered him a good deal, too. When
they were dismounto. they said they |
couldn't march in double file with him |
because his feet took up so much room.
One night, when we were round the
campfire, some fellow on the outside
in the cold said "Bcn Topper put
down that newspaper; it throws the
whole place INTO twilight, and casts a
shadow like blanket" Ben said
81 amt got any newspaper" Then
the other fellow said "Oh, see twas
your ear" We all slept in a corn-crib
on the corn, and the rats were very
thick. Ben Upper had been careful
ly and rightly reared, and when he
was ready for bed he would start 10
pray and o rat would bite him on the
heel And then he would sit up and
swear all night and keep everybody |
awake. lie was town-brod and did
not seem TO have any correct idea Of
military discipline. If 1 commanded
him TO shut up, he would say, "Who
was your niggcr last year ?" One eve.
ming ordered him TO ride out about
three miles on picket duty, to the be.
ginning of a prairie. Said he, "What,
in the night, and them blamed Union
soldiers likely to be prowin around
there any time 2" SO ho wouldn't 20,
and the next morning ] ordered him
again. Said he. "In the rain ] think
| see myselfr lie didn't 60. Next
day | ordered him on picket duty
once more. This time he looked hurt.
Said be: "What, on Sunday; yon must
be n id fool" We'll, picketing
might have been very good thing,
but saw it was impracticable, so
dropped il from my military system.
We had good enough time there at