Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1877-03-16
f. UsN :

Il AJlN
TEE MAN WITH A PLASTER ON His
NosE.-One day last week a Newark chap
walked down Broad street, with a plaster
on his nose, and the following criticisms
were passed upon him by his fellow-citi-
zens within the short distance between
Central avenue Inc Market street:
stNice-looking rooster, that is"
4Been Oh a fearful spree and barked his
nose on a lamp-post."
s'You always know a man by his nose.'
"Been sassin' bis wife and got hit over
the snoot with a stew pan"
s'Tried to come it oyer some fellow and
got whaled, and served him right"
';Got a larger beer nose, and trying to
hide it,"
Must have blowed fearful hard on that
horn to burst it that way.'
'That fellows carrying a plaster adver-
tisement dodge, but the thing won't work."
"Believe that man amt gol NO sore nose
at all. He's altered his appearance for
something Or other, and the police ought
to spot him.
mice old rum blossom that is. If 1 had
it I'd stay in the house and not be seen by
anybody"
And yet the subject Of these uncharitable
remarks got his nose skinned trying to get
into a crowded revival meeting.
The following essay on "Fish," the Bos-
ton Herald attributes to a Cambridge boy
Fish live in the Atlantic Ocean, Charles
River, and some in Buzzard Bay. When
they are small they are called Goldfish and
and herrin, and SIGH; but hen they grow
up they are called whales. The fat OF
whales is cut up and boiled and made inter
kerosene Oil for gas light their bones is
made inter whalebone for ivory rianer keys
and dominoes; also fer jack knife handles
and horn buttons. l wish a Whale would
swallow my school teacher, you bet. Fish
is always eat Friday-darn a fish, | HATE
EN-; there's too MANY bones ter pick out
III rather eat a paper of pins fried in lard
you bet"
"Thomas, you are charged with being
drunk - said the Court.
"Ican't deny it, said Thomas, ~grinning
from ear TO ear.
'You don't seem to be very sorry"
I'm happy, yer Honor y said the pris-
oner.
"What excuse have you for getting
drunk?
''I've got seven Of 'em, Judge"
E'Seven eXcuSeSH'
Eyes, yer Honor, seven, Now, L don't
mind telling ye all about it. Ye see Nv
got six boys in my family, and last night
its d girl, Judge" Thomas got off.
Old Commodore Hull, when dining will
q party of officers, pointed to all empty bot
tie and said: TAX away that marine
there AT this, an officer Of the marines,
in an injured tone, exclaimed: 'Coiumc-
dore, do you compare an empty bot lie to a
member of our branch Of the service ?
The k~ind-hearted Old Commodore, e ri
his mistake, ''rose to the OCCASION, ana
heartily said: Eyes, l do. neau thatit
has done its duty once, and is ready to Go
it again!"
WHO IS PREsfDENT?-Some people get
so impatient about the election that they
just couldn't wait, as they thought One fell
low in Corinth, Miss. worked up to the point
ok desperation. telegraphed to the Louis
=. vile "Courier-Journal" as follows:
"Who is PresidenG?"
The response was prompt, and truthful.
It was as follows:
!sTJlysseS S. Grant,
think of paying $3.50 for that informa-
ton!
> Eyes; Patrick" said an Irish lady. re-
siding somewhere in West Virginia. You
go out here to Riply and get all the good
grog to drink, and I have to stay at home
and drink nothing but cold water" Pat
at the time, being tipsy, looked the old
woman square in the face and said, Con
found your ould soul can't you warren
it?"
a party of young men dined sumptuous-
ly at a restaurant in Dublin, and each
one insisted on paying the bill. TO decide
the matter, it was proposed to blindfold
the waiter. and the first one he caught
should pay the bill. At last accounts, he
hadn't caught any Of them yet.
A Danbury man was explaining to his
wife, Sunday morning, how his mother
used to cook pancakes, when she i.lter-
rupted him with the batter-pitcher. Heis
now experimenting with q new kid Of
salve.
Cicero, on seeing one of his friends WHO
had been elected Consul and Opposed the
next day, exclaimed: Behold our most
vigilant consul, oho did not sleep during
has schoie consulate! r
A witty scapegrace, meeting an old eler-
gymaB. asked il he could tell him the way
to heaven. Yes" was the reply: "Iurn
directly to the right and keep straight for
trdrd.''
A youthful granger, about to be chastls-
ed by his father the other day, called upon
his grandfather to ''proteet him from the
superfiuous middlemen."
An English tourist asked the brotheraof
Canoya, the sculptor, after the great ar
Gist's death, if he .'intended to carry on
the business
A glass-blower mas recently died al the
6 ma r,