River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1877-05-10
How She Fooled Him.

John Sandscripts wife went to bed on
the night before the 1st of April with her
mind made up to fool the old man next
day or die in the attempt. In previous
years she had found John impervious to
jokes of all kinds, and she realized the
Augean task before her on the morrow.
With her mind full of her self-imposed
task, she went to sleep. At daylight she
awoke and at once began TO operate. Her
victim was lying with his back toward
her. apparently in a sound sleep. She
poked him vigorously in the ribs with her
sharp elbow and clawed his shins with
her toe-nails, preparatory to startling him
with half-whispered warning.
"John-oh, John-there's some one
ringing the door-bell.n
''Let i'm ring" was the sleepy re-
Spouse.
"But, John, maybe it's the man on the
next square, who owes you that 800,
come to pay you"
"No, faint, neither" said John, with a
yawn.
"But you don't know, and it may be
that very man.
Il guess not, for he's buried; died last
week Beside, old woman, your ears de-
ceive you. took the bell-knob off last
night to fool April-foolers."
Heavens what mess she made of it
to begin with! But when the old man
rolled out of bed, yawned and picked up
his pants, she rammed the sheet in her
mouth to plug up her laughter.
"Oh, jimmy won't he tumble when he
puts his foot in them pants and finds the
leg sewed up" she said to herself.
Judge of her rage when the provoking
brute innoccntly carried the blockaded
breeches to the wardrobe and inquired:
" Nancy, where's them chocolate-col-
ored pants | had on last weelx9"
"Put on the ones you have in your
hands, John; what's the matter with
them"
81 burst button off yesterday, and
they need mending."
At breakfast she poured out a nice cup
of coffee for him and sweetened it with
two spoonfuls of salt.
You needn't give me any coffee" he
said; " keep that yourself"
"Why, John. what's the matter" This
is the first time since we were married
that you refused coffee"
"The blamed stuff has made me
nervous lately; and, rs this is the first
of the month"; | thought I'd break off
and only drink it for supper. You
keep that yourself"
When he came home to dinner she
had prepared him neatly directed en-
velope with sheet of blank paper
inciOsed within. He eyed it suspi-
ciously, and throwing it into the fire
said:
Z" know that handwriting. It's from
that crazy lunatic who wants me to vote
for him tomorrow. So much for his
letter."
In the evening she disguised herself
in one of her husbands old SUITS and
came to the door to beg for charity.
"Please give me nickel to buy some
bread"
"Get out, or I'll give you nickel with
my boot"
But, sir consider. I'm starving"
The dickens you are! Now, I'll bet
you fifty dollars agaist the suit of clothes
you wear that you are an impostOr."
"If | were to search you now
shouldn't be surprised to find you lousy
with wealth. For two cents would see"
For heavens sake"
Now, none of your soft-soap on me.
/ don't believe in beggars. Here, you po-
iceman, take this internal imposter to the
station-house.n
Just as the peeler" grabbed the sup
posed beggar by the back of the neck a
shrill voice yelled:
"John! John you wouldn't send your
wife to the station-house, would you9"
The deuce wouldn't" was the cool
response. Anybody who lies to me
about my door-bell, sews up my trousers,
puts salt in my coffee, writes me anony-
nous notes, and steals my clothes ought to
go to penitentiary for life"
Z" But how did you know"
eff you women wouldn't talk in your
sleep you might keep a secret once in
while"
Mrs. Sandscript says that hereafter when
she attempts an April-fool joke she in
tends to set up all the night previous
Cincinnati Enquirer.