The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1877-03-15
MARK TwA1Ns MUSCLE.
THE s.fNNOCENT AT HOME TELLS THE
STORY OF THE ''INNoCENT" ABROAD
-EMULATING MACBETH. HE KILLS
DUNCAN OVER AGAIN.

TO the Editor Of the Nesc Yo'E nora: -
SIR see your report OF lecture deliver
ed in your neighborhood very recently, tina
q bit of my private personal history mas beer
revealed to the public. The lecturer was
head-waiter Of the Quaker City Excursion O
ten years ago. do not repeat his name fol
che reason chat think he wants little no
toriety as basis for Introduction to the lee
ture platform, and don't wish to contribute
harbor this suspicion because he calls him
self captain" Of that expedition.
The truth is, that as soon as the ship was
fairly at sea, he was degraded from his cap
taincy by Mr.. Lrary Owner OF the vesseL anu
Mr.. Bunsley executive officer.) As he was
not passenger, and had now ceased to BE-
an officer, it was something Of puzzle to
define his position. However, as he still had
authority to discharge waiter-boys-an au-
thority which the passengers did not possess
1t was presently decided, privately, that he
must naturally be the ''head-waiter; anu
thus was he dubbed. During the voyage he
gave orders to none but his underwriters
the excu.sionists will testify to this. 1t may
be- humorous enough to call himself the cap
TAIN" but then it is calculated to deceive the
public.
The captain" says that when cane
% ngage pa>sa-a !" t5e = iak @i'g
| '.oue IN. Il 10 nt Iui vi An.sa! .. >
tnlu.," and ii ei his Office VII. the ''fu.ic-
vi bad Whisky n,pt tnis is true, but !
cannot say, because it is 50 long ago; put at
tne same time am not dcpraved enough To
.l,.ny chat for ceaseless, tlreess. forty Veal
public advocate Of tutal abstinence, tine ''c'p-
tain" is mighty good judge Of whisky Al
second hand.
He charges that couldn't tell the Qa
ker City tea FROM coffee. Am God that
can solve the impossible!
He charges That uttered libel wien
said lie made tuls speech at fourth OF July
dlnner on shipbo&rd Ladies and gentle
men, may you all live long aud prosper /;
stewal u, pass up allot Ter basket OF Cham
pasne."
Well, the truth ia often Il libel, and this
may be one; yet Is the truth, nevertheless.
| did not publish it with evil intent, but be-
cause il showed that even IL total ab,tlnence
Gladiator can lave gentle INSTINCTS When he
Is removed from il.tnpcrin5 home in1uen-
ceS.
The captain" charges chat when calne
To his Office to engage passage represented
myself to be u Ba. list minister cruising after
health. No; Mr.. Edward Ii. House told
him that, without giving me any warning
that he was going to do it. But no matter.
| should have done it myself it had thought
Of it. There. ore | lift this crime from Mi.
! Houses shoulders and transfsrir to mine.
was without conscience in those Oil days. IL
had been my purpose to represent that waa
| son of the captains whom he had never
met. and, consequently, hadn't classified,
and by this means hoped to get free pas
sage; but was saved from this great villain,
by the happy accident Of Mr.. Houses getting
in his milder rascality ahead of me. often
sl,udder to think how near came to saddlii,
all old fat.-er on to myself forever whici
| never could have made any use OF after tia
excursion was finished, still, if ha him now
7 would make him lecture his head of at nj
customary twenty-five cents before woul'
support him in idleness. CONSIDER ldlenes
an immoral thing for the aged.
Certain OF nv friends in New York hav
been so distressed by the captains" charge
that they have simply forced me to come on
in print. But find myself in great difflcu
" by reason Of the fact that doi-'t find any
thing in the charges that dscomforts me-
Why should | worry over the ''bad viii;
kew ?" was poor-I couldn't afford goo
whiskey, How could know that the ''caI
tain was so particular about the quality
4 mans LIQUOR? didn't know he was pu
ist in thai matter, and the difference betwee
hvc.cent and forty cent tod'ly would RENAL
ranking memory with him for ten year
Tic tea and champagne items do ne
trouble me-both being true and harmless
The Baptist minister fraud does not give u
anv anguish. since dill not invent it.
Is la, eed, noH ;aaf am s6!2% ~
, pr,nt. is atexi. THESE little tniill> i" i.
furnish it. Why does the ''captan" NAL
/ no mention of the highway robbery which
committed on the ROAD beiwecnSJeru>ale
: and the Dead Sea? lie must han heard
1.-THE land was full Of it. WIZ does
, make no mention OF the fact that during u
= r,.tire excur ion never drew softer brea
! exc ut by proxy? Why does he conceal Z
fact that killed cripple in Cairo because
j. thought he had an unple SAINT gait? Why
he silent about my skinning lrper iqSm,
IT. ma in order that might have little Sol
|. thing to start a museum with when
: home? What is the use of making clhir@
=. ont of a mans few little virtuotis Hclln
, wneu That nan has committed real ndisc
!. tions by the dozrn? But where Is the ,sse
n botheriuy u about what man's cilaraf
was ten wears ago. anyway? Perhaps
:, cant,in values hi, character OF ten years Il:
= never have heard Of any reason why
% should; but still he may possibly value II.
"a matter. do not value my character OF
~ wears ago. can 90 out any time AMI ou
y better one for half 1t cost ME. In truth,
lis character was simply in course Of constr
lion then. l.adn't anything up but
-caffoliing. l have finished my moral eoil
o. q "a frescoed 1t and furnished it, aud
n. o,lIvel to admit that it is one OF the neat
AS and sweetest things Of the kind have e
>" encountered. greatly value it, and wo
Ms feel like resenting any damage to it.
n. that d scaffoldig is no longer OF any
20 me. and inasmueh AS the "captain" see
is able to use it to advant ge, | hereby M
ho him present of it. Its a little shaky,
ed course, but if he will patch it here and Il
* he will find that it Is superior to anything
,us rho kind he can scare up upon his own pr
~ ;,ns MARK TWAIN
raj M,
I'VE SOUTHERN DEMoCRATs.-A wa
-, i,uton correspondent calls attention to
the fact that .none Of the Southern Democ
OF have behaved better during the whole OF
., Presidential contest in the House OF Rel
w.. sentatiyes than John Young Brown, Mil
itb J Durham, and Henry Watterson, OF +
in sueky, to-day. In the midst Of the grea
hat confusion to day Mr.. Brown, standing in
o;,lo nv his seat. denounced the rowdy