Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1877-08-09
Fun and FuStian.

Walellng-place nOteS-green DackS.
Early to ryes and late to bed-the topper.
To reduce a large family-feed them on
cucumbers.
The latest out is usually young man
with latch key.
When are eyes not eyes? When the wind
makes them water.
Rheumatism is always joint affair, and
yet there is only one party to it.
A young man who boasted he could marry
any girl he pleased, found that he couldn't
please any.
Chicago reporter has just won his spurs by
an article headed desperate Bloodshed-
The Murdered man not Expected to Live.'
1t is expected that the ''passes on the Bal
kan" will be productive of great many Rus
sian deadheads.
'It is not loud praying" says an Arkansas
circuit rider, (which counts with the lord, so
much as giving four full quarts to the gallon"
That wasn't true about the missing arms
of Venus being found, and the old girl will
still continue to have to take her knife and
fork in her toes.
''The worm will turn" Quite so but the
Italian organ-grinders are not aware of it, or
assuredly they would impress him into their
service.
''Housekeeper" is informed that the Balkan
Range, about which she has heard so much,
was not exhibited in the stove department of
the Centennial Exhibition.
The Cars action in kicking all the news
paper correspondents out of camp would
seem to indicate an unwonted activity in
Russian leather.
AS General Tcherthemoslemshead was
leaving for the wars, his sweetheart remarked
to him, in tears ''ThOugh no more behold
thee, yet is thy name SPELL"
When q man is cheated by party having
no regard to the laws of meum and tuun, the
proper remedy is tuuan and suum, or, in the
vulgate ''tO'em and sueem.'
''No,'' she said, and the wrinkles in her
face smoothed out pleasantly. mo, do not
remember the last seventecn-year locusts. l
was an infant then"
A music publisher has issued ''The White
Whale March," We should like to see
white whale march. There must be a con-
siderable blubber in such performance.
Darwin believes that birds have religious
distinctions. OF course that belongs to the
laity. And about the time cherries are ripe,
robins take to the pulpit business.
The Russians will now take Tirnova and
resume their onward mach in apple pie order,
tart as their operations may seem to the Tur-
key which can no longer rule the roast.
If the Gar just wishes to perfectly annihi-
late the Turks, he should arm his soldiers
with firearms supposed to be empty" They
do more damage nowadays than any other
weapon.
The reason for a day laborer dropping his
tools with such accuracy when the clock
strikes twelve, and his rapid speed towards
dinner, is that he may make up the time he
will lose in getting back to work.
Waiter" cried an irritable gentleman at
Paris restaurant, ''this wine is detestable! It
is not Veuve (Widow) Clicquot!" ''Well,
sir" replied the garcon, humbly, II don't
know; it is very likely she has married
again."
In church at West Meriden, Conn.,, the
other night, crazy female shouted, between
the verses of hymn Il adjure you, in the
name of the Lord God Almighty, to trot that
hymn slow. y 1t was accordingly trotted slow.
Conversation at a school commencement:
First young lady-''Miss A. 8 essay was much
better than Miss B. s." Second young lady
''Yes, but Miss B. s dress is much handsomer
and cost more than Miss A. s.
Many an humble man lives a dreamy,
proftless life in the Sunny South, and then
reaches praiseworthy condition of useful
ness after death by being buried where he
will keep nocturnal darkies away from a
melon patch.
The whale boat, New Bedford, which
made daring voyage across the Atlantic,
arrived safely at Maund's Boy, Cornwall,
July 22d. Capt. Crapo and wife received an
enthusiastic reception. They encountered
three gales, lost some of their clothing, and
were obliged to lie to for fifteen days. Cap
tain CTapos left hand is entirely useless,
through constant steering.
He came back to his mother, looking very
forlorn. with big red swelling under his
left eye, and four or five handfuls of torn
shirt boiling over his breeches band. ''Why,
where on earth have you been? ?" she asked.
Me and Johnny's been playin. He played he
was pirate and was duke: Then he put
on airs, and l got mad, and" eyes, yes!"
his mother. her eye flashing,
land you didn't flinch?" ''No mother, but
The pirate licked. "-EG.
AMONG the ladies of distinguished lineage
u the Treasury Department at Washington
ire Mary E. Wilcox, adopted daughter of
Gen. jackson, (and who is also daughter of
Donelson, who ran with Fillmore for Vice
President, and goddaugh1er of Van Buren,;
Charlotte L. Livingston, whose husband was
! grandson Of the distinguished Chancellor;
). E. Morris, granddaughter of Robt Nor
is; Sophia Walker, daughter of Robt. j.
Walker, Folks Secretary of the Treasury;
Miss Dade, descendant of John Randolph
md niece of Winfield Scott; Helen Mclean
Kimball, widow of Gen. Kimball, killed in
he Mexican war; Sallie Upton. daughter of
francis Upton, of Brooklyn, and Mrs. Gran
,er, the widow of Gen. Gordon Granger.