The New Bloomfield, Pa. times. (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1877-188?, 1877-04-10
schlausheimer Pites Himself Nit Dog.

outd und It vas Schlanshemer sitting
on his pack kicking NIT his heels in the
airup. Und he sphits init his moudt,
und shtands nit his head on, and cry
outd:
81 haf the hydra. dog pite me. haf
pite myself init n mad dog !"
Und dere vas poodle rooning the
shtreet up; and eferybody let him go
shoost so fast as dey could. Und Mrs.
Schlausheimer got frightened, und she
say:
"Shall room und got tkerwick doctor
man Y''
mo-" he says, 81 might die pefore he
comes, und den would come pack and pc
a hounted house werefer you vas. You
know de noosepaper sas dot ven you
pite yourself NIT a.shnakes or hyCrant-
fobia, de only tings vat vas for some
sings goot, vas plenty visky-a whole
gallon full"
So she put him awf his leetle bedt,
und vent und got dot visky. Und
Schlausheimer vas awful sick; und if
he would hear zone dog in the shtreet
park, he would park dree. Den Mrs.
Schlausheimer would had to gif him
some visky to make him shtop park
ing.
Den she says, 'Schlausheimer, we're
you got pited 2"
Den he says, con de sidewalk"
Den she says, "Vot part of you,
mean, is dot hydrantfobi ?"
Den he says, at vas all ofer me-"
Den she says, "Let me see we're dot
dog pite you, so L can put in on a
mustard blaster, und draw dot pite
oudt.
Den he says, ''You don't can draw
him oudt und maype you caught de
hydrantfobia pesides; und it vas only
zone hydrantfobia visky in de house
'genough."
Den she says, "Let me go for DIR.
Sonnenschmidt."
Den he says, "No; dots no goot--
bologa sausages vas peter. Pring som
vas hoongry."
Den he says, Don't you know de
principle of homeopathy ?-dot same
tings cure dot same ting. Well Isgot
pite on de outside py II dog, so / will
vaccinate myself on de inside NIT a
sausage. Dots de only ting besides
blenty of visky, dot vas for it some
goot."
Veil, so soon he eat dot sausage he
park leetle. Den he says, "Dot's
goot sign. Dot vaccination took right
away Give me leetle more visky."
Den he got shleepy, but efery time she
shtart for de doctor, he would wake and
park a leete, und call for leetle visky.
At de last he vas sound shleeping. Und
she vent and got DR.. Sonnenschmidt.
Dr. Sonnenschmidt says, "Vere did
Schlausheimer pite himself"
Mrs. Schlausheimer says, son his
pack, near his ankle"
So dey look on his pack und his ankle,
but dey don't found no pite.-
EY' They were husband and wife, and
as they stood before the Guards Monu-
ment in Waterloo place, she asked:
"What's that figure on top? 20 ''That's
goddess" )" he answered. "And what's
goddess ?'' "a woman who holds her
tongue, +" he replied. She looked side
ways at him, and then began planning
to make peach pie with the stones in
it for the benefit of his sore tooth.
Eyr Scene, the fish market in Paris. A
lady appears, accompanied by lovely
little girl. ''How much for that"
eOh, what sweet little angel of a
child. 1t is thirty sous, madame. All,
the darling Let me embrace it The
living image of its mother"
"Thirty sous I'll give you twenty"
"Twenty Get out of that with your
little baboon !"
gY A bad boy, was picked up by his
ma, the other night, for some mis-deed,
and tanned with her slipper until he
was standing right in the way of a
shoemaker's shop caught in a cyclone.
When he got away at last, he was told
to sit down and learn verse in his
Bible before he could get bit of supper,
and when he was called up to recite he
said 1.-THE wioked's tanned in slippery
Places
81 Two little boys were met after
dark by fellow who demanded their
money. Said one of them, 81 have no
money" This might have been suffi-
cient answer. But the other made