Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1877-08-08

Mark TWain's Latest Joke.
Correspondence of the Boston Herald.

correspondence OF the Boston Herald.
A good story about Mark Twain is
lust beginning to leak out here Some
time ago he went on a visit to Elmira
N. Y, leaving his quaint house among
the trees on Pennington Avenue in
charge of his servants. Nearly two
weeks ago an item was published in
the Hartford daily papers chronicling
an Intellectual attempt to rob the humor-
lists residence. The story was that a
man presented himself at the door one
day, saying that he had been sent by
the gas company to inspect the meter
and pipes. The servant, who had not the
slightest suspicion, allowed the stranger
to enter and do as he pleased. When
he supposed no one was watching his
movements, he hid himself away in
dark corner, (of which there are many
IN the old chalet and waited for dark
ness. But the girl who had watched his
movements, went and procured assis-
lance, and had the intruder bounced"
without ceremony When Mr. Clemens
heard the story in Elmira he thought
he smelled very large rat, and FASTENED
to Hartford for the purpose of ferreting
it out. His theory was that one of the
servant girls must have had a beau, and
that, being caught in the act, this means
of concealing the real truth of the
case was adopted. With all the saga
city of an ex-journalist he followed his
clue, but could not establish the theory
he had formed
But while pursuing his investigation
he learned that one of the girls, who
had been member of his family for a
long time, was really guilty of having
amale admirer, who occasionally shared
the hospitality of the house, unknown
to the proprietor. She was a buxom
English girl with a handsome form and
bright, cheerful face Faithful in the
performance of her duties, and always
solicitous for the best interests of the
family, she had made herself almost
invaluable to the household. The high
esteem in which Mr. Clemens had al
ways held her no doubt influenced his
course. He was sorry to part with the
girl who had served him well, but, seeing
no other alternative, quickly matured
plan that should let her down easy"
After long hunt he succeeded in dis
covering the young fellows name.
When that was gained Mr.. Clemens
went down town and procured
marriage certificate. Returning he
stc pped at the residence Of the Rev.
Mr.. Twitchell, pastor of the Asylum
Street church, and took him into his
carriage. Arriving home, the first
thing done was to send for the young
man, who soon appeared, somewhat
! frightened at the summons. From his
dress and general appearance of decay
it was evident that his circumstances
were not those Of violent prosperity
When he was brought in Mark braced
up and tried to look dignifed. This is
about the dialogue that ensued:
Mark-So, young man you have been
in the habit Of making a hotel of my
housewife all the modern improve
ments. Silence unbroken by the
young man. Well, as you don't offer
any objections, we'll take that part of
the matter for granted If your otfense
had stopped at that point it would have
been all right. [ am glad to entertain
company-yes, if you had mentioned it
[ would have had the house refurnished
for you All that, and more, would
have done gladly for a guest. But
when you dignity and pathos when
you ALLEVIATE the affection of Maria
Jane, when you descend upon this
peaceful fold with base designs-like a
wolf in sleeps clothing, as it were-that
cannot forgive"
Y. M-(with humility )-ifyou please,
sir, | amt got no Sleeps clothing.
Mark examining the fabric Of the
young mans coat -Ah [ perceive my
error; it is cotton, not wool. However,
was speaking metaph orically. AS
intimated before, [ cannot endure the
thought ofhaving my home which, I'M
til your fell presence, had been the
abode of innocence, turned into ken
mel Of wrong-doing. When you sought
that end, you not only wounded me
MORALLY, but you aroused my wrath;
and, young man, when Pm mad, Pm a
bad crowd In the first throes of my
passion was doubtful whether to have
you arrested for murder in the first de-
gree, Or"
At this point the young man showed
symptoms of terror. But" continued
Mark, " it suddenly occurred to me that
certain Pennsylvania judge-Joe
Bradley, believe-once ruled that in
cases Of arson, the fellow must marry
the girl; and SO [ conclude that you
must answer to the crime of arson; in
other words you must get hitched to
Maria Jane"
Apparently, Marks victim was re-
lieved, but he was still doubtful. He
said: If you please, sir, I'd be glad to
marry Maria, but couldn't support her,
l Amt got no money, and [ can't get no
work [ mean to marry her some time,
sir, honest and true [ do"
Mark-Thats altogether too thin,
young man. You marry Maria right
here and now, Or up you go for arson.
Y. M.-Well sir, if it comes to that
of course I'll marry her.
Mark-That's the kind Of talk like
Here Twitchell! Maria Jane! Come
here!
And the two people named, followed
by the other servant, entered the room;
the marriage ceremoney was performed
and Mark and the second girl signed the
certificate as witnesses. After that Mark
no ri tho Minis Uova tho oO,1p1a &C0O