Oxford Democrat. [volume] (Paris, Me.) 1833-1933, 1877-07-24
SUNBEAMS.

a 4
What part Of speech is most distasteful
TO loyers2 The third person.
The obituary Of book agent says
He was man of marked composure OF
manner.
SimkiAs has found that the pleasantest
way TO take eod-liver oil is To fattea
pigeons with it, and then eat the pigeons.
1t is not etiquette for lady to peruse
an Ice cream sign aloud while walking
with gentleman.-ErehdnSe.
A vinegar-hearted old bachelor sayshe
always looks under the head Of marriages
for the news of the weak.
After lingering illness of thirty-seven
years. John B. Hall, of Taunton, Mass,
passed away last week without sigh,
leaving three doctors out of steady work.
boston Times.
Thomas Bailey Aldrieh says:-"As wild
as the winds that tear the curled red leaf
in the air, is the song have never sung"
Control yourself, Mr.. Aldrich; control
yourself. %
Worcester PreSs:--It has been discov-
cred that people live longer in Philadel-
phia than in any other of the large cities.
They have to- in order to get the average
amount Of enjoyment out of life.
Few men have minds evenly enough
balanced to inspire them to indulge in a
moderate chew of tobacco, provided they
are, taking it out of somebody elss's
pouch.-Tuner's Falls Reporter.
Free PreSS:-All the cables but one are
out Of order, and the Queen of Englandis
liable 10 sneeze at any moment. Makes
mans hair quiyer to think Of these
things
Said teacher: "what do the various
objects which you behold upon the earth
all display To which the boy of the
'fust Biography" class replied in breath
less haste: "Wisdom'n goodness of tn
equator"
Miss Smith, does a ,cormorant eat
strawberries?' Law me! no, child. What
put that into your head?' "'Cause ma
told Sarah not to bring out the straw
berries and cream until that old cormo-
rant, Miss Smith, had left"
Fron TLondon Fun (on the hat and
cloak fashion: ):-Shocked and astOnished
verger-"You :bad and wicked boy, why
don't you take your hat off in church,
Bad and wicked boy Overcome with guilt
If you please, sir, m little girl"
Strawberries are still high in New
York, but they seemed here Saturday to
be within the reach Of the poorest. They
90, ~ IN gf
several of our Leading citizens hung
around most of the day, but as the pro-
prietor was looking they We're unable 10
buy any.-N0rlcich Bulletin.
While P. George, a barber of Niles.
Mich.. was shaving 4 customer the other
day, he became tangled up in an epilectic
spasm. After the customer had lost
slice OFF the neck and narrowly escaped
severance of the jugular vein, he modest
ly suggested that he would wait for "the
next" as he never did like close shaving.
During the Mexican war one of the
generals came up to Captain Bragg and
said-"Captain, the crisis has arrived
fire. Whereupon Captain Bragg said TO
his lieutenant, you hear what the Gene
raj says-fire!" The lieutenant said.
"But, Captain, don't see anything TO fire
at" Fire at the crisis" said Captain
Bragg.
1t is often said that woman has no
talent for business, but when a man goes
home and finds that his wife has swapped
off his Sunday pantaloons for patent
tack hammer and china ornament for
the mantelpiece, he is compelled TO won'
der at the genius that succeeded in get
ting the tack hammer thrown in.-Nor-
nich Bulletin.
Mrs. Shoddy TO shopkeeper):-Show
me thermometer-One of your very best.
Shopkeeper:-This, ma'am, is one Of our
fnest-Venetian glass and the sbest quick
silver. Mrs. S.:-Silyer? That would be
very nice for the ktchlng, but want
one for my boodoOr. Haven't you one
with ,quick-gold2 (The shopkeeper ID
dumb-stricken.)
A countryman, with his bride, stopped
at hotel the other day. At dinner,
when the waiter presented bill Of fare,
the young man inquired. Whats thatY
That's bill of fare" said the waiter.
The countryman took it in his hands,
looked inquiringly at his wife and then
at the waiter and finally dove into his
pocket and insinuatingly inquired, "How
much is itY'
A set of false teeth that belonged to
George Washington has been sent TO
Philadelphia, and will be exhibited at the
Centennial. A patriotic citizen says he
was very much relieved when he saw
them, because if George had upset while
crossing the Delaware he could hav.
hung on to the bottom of the boat by
such teeth as those, until the nation had
had time to turn out to his rescue
Brooklyn Argus.
Mr.. Jedediah Bullwraggle, of this city,
has piece of bark from tree that grew
on the farm of an uncle whose grand
fathers brother-in-law started with Gene
raj Jackson TO the battle of New Orleans,
but was detained by an attack of the
cholera morbus, and he would send that
to the Centennial Exposition if he had
any adequate assurance that he would
ever get it back sgain.-LouispiNs
! Courier Journal.
John Hogwash, Of Iowa, has run for
office sixteen times and has been beaten
every time, but he says he won't change
his name for any Office in the world
Detroit Free Press Well, let John keep
it if it's This ill-Phuddelphid BulletiR.
| Yes; swine not?- NorTiStODa Herald.
Now that ones really stylish; worthy Of
the Norristown pen-man.-M. Louis
Globe Democrat. How these puns bristle
with wit. He probably demanded too
| large stipend. .--B0stOa Globe.