Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1877-06-01
PLEAsANTnIEs

Some slanderer asserts that paper maxi
ers are the greatest magicians OF the age,
inasmuch as they transform beggars rags
into sheets for editors TO lie on.
An Englsbman, lately imprisoned for
bealiLg his wife, said as he was locked up:
"Fve one comfort, anyhow and that is,
that Tm not seat to jail for doing mean
thing"
"A Scotchman asked an Irishnan, "why
were half farthings coined in Euglandf"
Pats answer was, "To give Scotchmen an
opportunity of subscribing to charitable
institutions"
An improved form Of challenge TO a
duel is the following Quaker note; "If thou
wilt eat twelve unripe apples just before re-
trng at night, / will do the same, and we
shall see who survives
"A negro was put on the stand as a wit
ness, and The judge inquired If he under
stood the nature of an oath. "For certain,
Boss" said the citizen "if swear to lie
l must stick to him p
Burlington Hawkeye, summing up the
situation -"Prosperity once more dawns
upon the South, and the naughty son Of
chivalry sits on a horse-block and bssks
in the sun, while he thinks what he would
do with the money If he could get 81 500 for
the ngger be never owned, but who now
nearly owns him."
--"That baby" said thoughtless specta-
tor at the Cleveland baby show the other
day, "may look pretty enough at home,
but It is hardly up to the standard here.
Don't you think so?' addressing lady
v ho stood near. Excuse me from COM
menting, sir" said the lady, "as my opin-
ion might he biased. 1 am its mother"
The man took walk.
In Tartary children are not allowed TO
swing on the front gates; but what Is as
bad, they play ON the steppes. In South
America, 1t is said, they pampa the little
ones in the same way. 1t should be stop
ped.-N. Y. Com. Advertiser.
A naturalist asks: "Do bees hear ~
We don't think they do. AT any rate,
when a man is chased by bee across ten
acre field, and at the top of his voice urges
his pursuer 10 "shoo therer' the insect
pays no attention whatever to his remarks.
-NorriSto,0n Herald.
| DIR. johnson was observed by music
al friend of his 10 he extremely inattentive
| at a concert whilst a celebrated solo player
was running up the divisions and sub-di-
visions Of notes upon his violin. His
friend, 10 induce him 10 take greater notice
Of what was going on, told him the per-
formance was very difficult Difficult,
sir" replied the Doctor, II wish it were
impossible"
Bishop Marley had good deal of the
humor of Swift. Once, when the footman
was out of the way, he ordered the coach
man to bring some water from the well.
To this the coachman objected, that his
business was to drive, not TO run on errands.
"Well, them" said Marley, "bring out the
coach and four, set the pitcher inside, and
drive 10 the well ga service which was
several times repeated, to the great amuse-
ment of the village.
-Garrick, going up Holborn, when
great mob was gathered together TO see q
criminal pass to Tyburn, asked Mr.. Lock-
yer Davis, who was standing at his shop
door, what was the name of the person 60
ing IN his fatal end, and what was his
crime? Mr.. Davis told him his name was
| Vowel, and his crime forgery. "Ab," said
GArrick, "dO you know which of the Vow
els il is, for there are several of that name
However" continued he, "ii is certain, aud
l am very glad of it, that it is neither (U)
| nor ID"