The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1877-01-06
Mark Twain on Yankee Weather.

Responding on Friday at TIE New Eng
land dinner TO the toast Of The Oldest In
habitant-the Weather" Mark Twain dellv
cred one of his drolest after dinner speeches
of which the following is an abstract:
81 reverently believe that the Maker who
made US all makes everything in New Eng
land but the weather. | don't know who
makes that, but | think it must be raw ap,
prenticcs in the Weather Clerk S factory, who
experiment and learn how in New England
for board aud clothes, and, then are prOmot-
ed to make weather for countries that re-
quire good article and will take their Gus
tom elsewhere if they don't get Laughter.
There is a sumptuous variety about the New
England weather that cOmpels the strangers
admiration-and regret laughter The
weather is always dong something there; al
wJvs attending strictly to business; always
gehlng up new designs and trying them on
the people to see how they will go. But it
gets through more business in Spring than
in any other season. In the spring l have
counted 1876 different kinds OF weather inside
of four and twenty hours. Laughter 1t
was that made the fame and fortune OF that
man that had that marvellous collection OF
weather on exhibition at the Centennial that
SO astounded the foreigners. He was going
to travel all over the world and get speci-
mems from all the climes | SAID, Don't
you do it; you come to New England on a
favorable spring day | told him what
we could do IN the way of style, variety
and quantity [Laugh,er.l Well, he came,
and made his collection in four days.
"Old Probabilities has Il mighty reputation
for accurate prophecy, and thoroughly well
deserves it, Gou take up the papers and OBJ
serve how crisply and confidently he checks
off what tO.day's weather is going to he on
the Pacific, down South, in the Middle States
and In the Wisconsin region. He doesn't
know what the weather is going TO be in
New England. He mulls over it, aud by and
by he gets out something about like this
Probable nor'east to sOu'west winds varying
ing to The souihard and westard and points
between; high and low barometer, sweeping
around from place TO place; probable areas
Of rain, snow, hail and drought, succeeded or
preceded by earthquakes, with thunder and
lightning. Laughter and applause Then
he jOts down this postscript from his wan
dering mind 10 cover accidents: But 1t isl
possible that the programme may be wholly
changed in the meantime Laughter.
II could speak volumes about the inhumanl
perverslty of the New England weather, butt
| will give but single specimen. | like toI
hear rain on TIN roof, so | covered part of
my roof with tin, with an eye to that luxury
Well, sir, do You thlak il ever rains on the
tin? No sir skips ii every time. Laugh.
ter.
"if we had not our bewichinG autumn loli-
age we should still have to credit the wealth. |
er with one feature which cOmpensates for all
its bullying vagarIes--the ice storm--when a |
leailess tree Is clothed with ice + ON the bot |
tom to ;hc tOp-ice that Is as bright and
clear aS crystal; every bough and twig is |
strung with ice beads, frozen dew-drOps, and |
the whole tree sparkles, cold and white like |
the Shah of Persia's diamond plume. [Ap- |
plausc Then the wind waves the branches, |
and the sun comes out and turns all those |
myriads of beads and drops to prlsms, that |
glow and hum and flash with all manner of
coored fires which change and change |
again, with inconceIvable rapidity, from
blue 10 red, from red 10 green, and green TO |
gold the tree becomes sparkling fountain, |
4 very explosion of dazzling jewels: and il |
stands there the acme, the climax the SD |
premest possibility in art or nature of be |
widening intoxicating, intolerable magnifi. !
cencc, One cannot make the words too
strong Long continued applause
Month after month | lay up hate and
grudgG against the New England weather:
but when the ice storm comes at last say,
There, | forgive you now: the books are
square between us A.; you don't owe me cent;
30 and sin no more; your little faults and
forbes count for nothing; you are the most
enchanting weather in the world" TAp.
plnusc and laughter.