River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1877-03-29

and in his speech, and one day when
asked why he did not write for the pa
pers, he replied:
''Som: day | scball pegin to do So"
He began the other day when he
died, or, rather, just before he died.
When told by the doctor that his flame
of life would not flicker beyond two or
three days, Jacob replied:
"Vhell, dot is all right. Go down
und tell my clerk in der saloon to set
'em up for de poys. 1t isn't SO hot to
die in Shanuary as Schuly, also prlng
me q lawyer, dot | shall make my
will"
lie made will. The corpulent Mrs.
Van Dreyer wiped her weeping eyes
and wondered il he would leave all to
her, and her thin-waisted daughter and
thick wasted sons felt sad hearted and
! figured on about $1,000 each.
The lawyer was closeted with uncle
Jake, for two or three hours, and
those in the next room were frequent
ly and greatly surprised TO hear the
dying man call out:
"Ha! ha! ha! but won't dot provision
in der will shurst make all der newsba.
bers read funnyl"
Something tickled Jacob Van Dreyer,
but what it was no one could find out.
He laughed just as mnch after the
lawyer had departed, and as his family
gathered around his dying bed he
smiled blandly and said:
MY dear ones, hat made a will.
All the wives and shildren are provid-
ed for in their latest Paris style, und
hope you Will be well bleaSed-ha
ha ha -
They thought his mind wandered,
but that's where they were lame. His
mind was as sound as brick, and his
head was level. He was grinning and
chuckling when death overlook him,
and when the coffin was opened in
church for last look, the face of the
dead Van Dreyer wore a pleased ex-
preston. The mystery was revealed
when his will was opened 1t was in
due and legal form, and the first pro-
vision read:
"To my good and faithful wife |
give and bequeath the sum of $4,000,
cash in bank, provided that the said
Augusta Van Dreyer suffers the loss of
her ears within three days from the
date of my burial. In case she re-
fuses to part with her ears, she shall
have the sum of $500 cash, and no
more.
When Frau Van Dreyer heard the
above provision read, She clapped her
fat hands to her large ears, uttered a
yell of dismay and despair, and tainted
dead away. If there was any fun about
that she couldn't relish it. The second
provision of the will related to Carl,
| the Oldest son, and it read:
"My son Carl is very fond of hunt
ing give and bequeath to him the
sum of $4,000 in U. S. bonds, and
have secreted them where he will
have all the hunting he wants before
| he finds them. If he never discovers
| them, they are to be given to the Ger
man schools of Detroit"
"Dot is a pig shoke on me ~ growl-
ed Carl ; and he left the room to find
consolation in his pipe, while the law
| yer read the third provision
''My daughter Katrina is always be-
| fore the looking glass when she should
be helping her mother or mending her
brothers clothes. | direct that my
saloon be sold as soon as possible, and
One-half the money laid out in look
| ing. glasses for Katrina, while the
other half be given her for the pur-
chase of ribbons"
"Oh vhas | born to hear such dings
as doze :" walled the thin-waiSted
Katrina, and she would have tainted
away had not the son Carl made a
| face at her through the side window,
and aroused Der sisterly indignation.
| The lawyer had a solemn duty to per-
| form, and he continued reading.
"My second son, Hans, is lazy and
| good-natured. | give and bequeath
him my grocery building, land and
stock, knowing that he will have moth
ing left at the end of year. Before
entering into possession he shall saw
and split six cords of hickory wood.
If he fails to comply with this pro-
vision, the property shall be sold and
the proceeds donated to some German
orphan asylum IN Michigan.
Such shokes--such shoakes! groaned
Hans, and he slid out to comfort the
fat Carl, who was wondering if the
bonds left him were buried in the eel
lar or hidden in the garrett. There was
still another son. ne sat in the cor
ner, grinning at his mother and wink
ing at Katrina, and the lawyer went
on:
"My son Gustavus is a good boy land
he can take a joke as well as his father.
| therefore leave him just what | be-
gan life withholding and | hope he
will make good use of it,
Gustavus quit grinning and winking
in about Cincinnati second, and he
family called out.
If can take dot shoke den | doan
know!"
The lawyer had finished the family,
but that wasn't the end. Funny Jacob
Van Dreyer had some friends whom he
thought fit to remember. And he had
said:
s'As Theodore Gust has been life
long friend of mine, desire to leave
him the sum of $500. Before taking
possession of the money he must have
his whiskers all cut off and his head
shaved, to attest his sorrow at my de-
parture from this good world"
Mr.. Gust was on hand to hear the
reading of the will, and he felt of his
bushy hair and long goatee, glanced
out at the bowling winter storm, and
he smiled a sad, sweet smile as he
shook his head and replied.
81 shust like to see myself doing
such dings eh!'
"And as Jacob Heine has also been
good friend of mine," said the will,
"and as he is inclined to think well of
himself, will and bequeath him my
dying opinion that he is the greatest
Dutchman in America. If he shall take
the strawberry color out of his nose
within three weeks from my burial, he
is to have money enough from my es-
tate to buy him five barrels of beer"
Jacob Heine was also there. He had
worn very bland look, and he had
chuckled over Mr.. Gusts setback, but
his own downfall left him as limp as
rag. He slapped his leg and called