The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1877-09-13
PASSING SMILES.

BY proxy 1 pray, and by proxy vote"
A graceless peer said to churchman of note;
Who answered, {" My lord, then / venture to say
You'll to heaven ascend in a similar way.'
AN Iowa justice refused to fine man
for kissing girl against her consent
He thong int she ought to have con-
sented.
New YORK Herald: When a man is
making love to widow he always feels
as if he had to begin where the other fel-
low left off:
THE smell of the violet lasts as long as
the smell of the rose; and so, perhaps,
the blessing of the poor rises as high as
the blessing of the rich.
A LONDON dispatch says: "The con-
dition of Mysore continues very criti-
CAL" As the telegram is not signed,
it's impossible to say whose sore is re-
ferred to.
ALEXANDER III. STEPHENS having
been selected as the orator of the day for
the next Fourth of July at Macon, Ga.
has begun the delivery of his speech
now, in order to get through in time for
the display of fireworks.
WHEN boat runs her nose on a bar
With force enough almost to crack her,
The captain just tries a segdr,
While the rest of the crew try 10 back her.
And if she won't back they just let her stick,
And wait till there's more water "thdr,''
And they take in their nips " from little brown
Cause they can't take drink at the bar.
Evansville Courier
A LINEAL descendent of the great Sir
Francis Drake is keeping boarding
house in Dennison, Texas. The lady has
in her possession diamond knee-buckle
worn by Sir Francis, which is valued at
nearly two thousand dollars.
THE London gorilla has been taught to
speak few words, the papers say. Prob
ably he burst out with, with what
wierd and marvellous mechanism are we
constructed! How curious it is to re-
feet that 400,000,000 wave lengths of
light impinge upon the retina in a single
second of time"
CLEVELAND Plain Dealer: The Rus
sian army is very scantily supplied with
bands, the men marching to the music
of their own songs. We should think
that when a man has been compelled to
listen to a Russian song he would want
to fight somebody, if he had to walk five
hundred miles TO find the man.
"WHY don't you speak distinctlyT'
cried passenger to a brakeman who
announced the names of stations in an
utterly unintelligible manner; al can't
understand a word you say" What's
that to me?" responded the brakeman.
You don't expect to have fine, clear
| tenor at thirty dollars a month, do
your
"DID it occur to you," said he, timidly
leaning around the door-post, "that
steam engine and a trained clam are not
| wholly unlike?' Mingled with the
racket produced by an Office chair vio-
lently hurled after his vanishing form,
came certain confused sounds which re-
| sembled--" Because, you see, they are
! both controlled bivalves."
. 1t cannot be that our life is bubble,
cast up by the ocean of eternity, to float
moment upon its waves and then sink
into darkness and nothingness; else why
is it than mans high and glorious aspira-
tions are forever wandering around un-
satisfied, like hungry goat, until he has
mother-in-law, boils, -cOrns, and
mortgage on his house and lot?
| CHICAGO Times: The telephone may
be we'll enough as musical disseminator,
but what the country needs is the in
vention of some sort of musical conduc-
tor which may be applied to hand
organs and tin-pan pianos in such a
manner as to conduct the Emusic "
noiselessly off, and dump it into some
out of the way place, where it will not
become offensive.
WHEN General Changarnier was in
Africa, he was Colonel of regiment,
and was more fearful of a draft of air
| than of the lead of his opponents. His
mind appeared to be constantly occupied
with drafts of air. On one occasion the
balls were flying thick around him. An
officer saluted, and said, "Colonel, you
are exposing yourself "True," said
Changarnier, "we are fighting in
gorge" He turned up his coat collar.
"WHY don't you go homer asked
policeman of a man he found sitting on
a doorstep at late hour in the night.
az live here" mumbled the man,
dreamily. "My wife threw me out of
the house because she thought I was
drunk. The same thing happened to me
at the saloon from which just came. /
am determined not to be thrown out the
third time; at least that much self-re-
spect man must possess. Pll wait
here" confined he, after a pause, Gun
til she is asleep, then Pll crawl through
the cellar window" @
THE drinking saloons of Sacramento
have odd names, and a knowledge of that
fact renders ineligible the following re-
port of a police officer to his Captain:
al looked in at the Hole in the Wall,
but she wasn't there heard she had been
in Noah's Ark, but had lit out; then l
prospected to the Iron Jaw and Wood
pecker's Nest, but didn't have any bet
ter luck. A fellow in the Calf Pen was
was all mistake Just as 1 had about
given it up as bad job, dropped into
Blue Blazes, and there she was.'