The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1877-02-17

The San Francisco Herald gives this incident
before grand jury:
Foreman" Gentlemen, 1t is not necessary to
administer the oath Of secrecy to this witness, as
he Is a member OF the press, and nobody would
believe anything he might divulge anyhow"
The Springfield (Mass) Republican scknowl.
edges its conversion to the blue glass religion
and closes long article on the subject by the
Afiiction sore long time we bore.
Physicians were in vain;
Until at last we used blue glass,
And thus we lost our pain.
The apothegm that actions speak founder than
words is strongly illustrated by the following,
which We cut from the Virginia (Nev) Enter.
prise
A citizen Of Eureka having occasion to go
home rather Unexpectedly night or two since
caught gentleman acquaintance in the act Of
kissing his wife. On relating the circumstance
10 O friend he was asked II he punished the
guilty couple, and replied: "No, not exactly:
but they must have seen from the way ssmm-
ed the door that was not satisfied"
There lie certain grim humor in the follow
ing item from the Brooklyn Argus, but It cuts
too near every day experience TO be pleasant for
Chicago people:
A Chicago man encountered q draped figure
in his basement hall the other morning, and.
installing II for his wfes dressing maid, Rugged
il ardenty for several seconds before he discov.
cred that 1t was Deputy.sherif in an ulster
overcoat."
Few men have strictly mathematical mind,
but We never knew one who couldn't calculate
within sixteenth Of an inch where his neigh.
boris property began when he was sbo yein z
snow off his own sidewalk.-.Nortoich Bulletin.
man in Vermont, by the name OF Trolup,"
built stone vault for the burial Of his own NOR
tai remains, and on the marble slab which Gov
cred the same he had this inscription:
Here lies old rrolup, who caused these stones to
roll up;
And when God calls his soul up, his body will
fill this hole up
Josh Billings wants to know who ever heard
rich man sing" That's SO; q rich man genQr
ally holds on 10 his Hotes.-Phiid. Bulletin.
Jones always remains silent TO appeals OF
charity, and then fatters himself that he is be-
nevolent-silcnce gives a.cent-IhI Bulletin.
Old Simon Cameron has been sued for breach
Of promise by a festive maiden OF fifty summers
in Washington city. She wants $4,000 for her
damaged affections.-Ex.
Simon says it's villanious trick to black mail
him. He hasn't felt that way in twenty years.
An Alabama editor winds up an rrticle on the
corn crop with the remark: 1--WE have on ex-
hbtion IN our sanctum a pair Of magnificent
ears"
An observing farmer has discovered a remark
able resemblance between q crop Of boys and a
crop OF wheat. At first they are Graded, then
they are thrashed, and finally they become the
sour Of the family.
Love makes l2S pounds OF girl feel no hcav.
Ter than feather on a fellows knee Norris.
torn Herald. And the same fellow would have
his leg cramped all out Of shape by 80 pounds
Of wife"-Eultoa Times. THAT would depend
somewhat upon whose wife II was DdaJury
Nens.
An anxious inquirer is informed that Pull
down the blind =" does not refer TO poker. 1t is
term used in the game OF love- not in the
game OF cards.
For heavens sake, put blue glass IN the win.
dows OF our state capitol. Let IL shine on the
heads OF some oi our representativcs-yes
pound Il up and make them swallow it.-Diron
SsH.
The New York TsmCs declares that one who
lays his hand upon a woman save in Kindness
and in reasonably dark room is unworthy OF
the name Of book.agent.
The tragic muse still finds inspiration in the
thrilling incidents OF the May Bennett duel;
What Is the reason that neither was hurt
After the duel was doney
Because each stood In the safest place
That ia, before the gun.
The oldest sort Of FIRE escape on record is the
fond husband who lies abed cold mornings.
The constitution Gays that all the states shall
lie equally represented in the senate. Yet in
utter violation OF this, Illinois sends a man
weighing go pounds.
4 theatrical exchange says tina: az present
there are only nineteen stars In America An
eminent citizen who sat down in front % thc
post Office yesterday got up and swOre Their,
were over million. But discrepancies will al
ways occur.-NOricich Balieti..
Olive Logan's iDseparable writes that IN,
Welsh language contains eighty Thousand
words. Cwrw Is pronounced Kooroo, and mean
beer. Garcon, zwei cwrw!
contemporary says OF a recent attempt a
suicide that the man severed his "esophejus.
He must have had a a bad spell
That was delicate touch Of nature when
Washington street woman SAID 70 new servan
MARY. when you hang out the clothes be car,
ful 10 put The incest pieces nearest the street.
A Kansas critic Of one Of Mrs.. Julia War
Howe's lectures says the lady pronounees be
words wrong. @Awnshent pavdnah~ won
pass In those parts for /" old pSrd."