Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1877-11-14
THE STOVE PIPE.
A Little Story for the Season.

Putting up stove is not so difficult /,
itself 1t IS the pipe that raises four
1lfths OF the mischief and all the dust.
You may take down a stove pipe with
ali the care in the world, and yet that
pipe won't come together again as it
was before. You find this out when
you are standing on chair with your
arms full of stove pipe and your mouth
full Of SCOT. Your wife is standing on
the floor in a position that enables her
to see you, the pipe ard the chair, and
she gives utterance to those remarks
that are calculated to hasten man into
the extreme Of insanity. Her dress is
pinned over her waist, and her hands
rest on her hips. She has got one of
your hats on her head, and your linen
cost on her back, and pair of rubbers
on her feet. There is about five cents
worth of pot-black on her nose, and
lot of flour on her chin, and altogether
she is a spectacle that would inspire a
dead man with distrust. And while
you are up there trying to circumvent
the awful contrariness of the pipe, and
telling that you know some fool has
been mixing it, she stands safely on the
AlOOL f'Ilu UOlIIUttlOS yOi Will SltCIl UO-
nestle notices as: whats the use of
swearing So? You know no one has
touched the pipe" "You amt got any
more patience than child" "Do be
careful of that chair" And then she
goes and reappears with an armful more
of pipe, and before you are aware of it
she has got that pipe SO horribly mixed
up that it does seem no two pipes are
alike. You join the ends and work
! them to and fro, and to and fro again,
and then you take them apart and look
at them. Then you spread one out and
jam the other together, and mount them
once more. But it is no go. You be-
gin to think the pieces are inspired with
life, and ache to kick them through the
window. But she doesn't lose her pa
tience. She goes around with that aw-
full exasperating rigging on, with
length OF pipe under each arm and
| lOng-handled broom in her hand, and
says she don't see how it is that some
people never have any trouble in put
ting up stove. Then you miss the
hammer You don't see it anywhere.
You stare in the pipe, along the mantel,
and down the stove, and off to the floor.
Your wife watches you, and is finally
thoughtful enough to inquire what you
are looking after; and on learning, pulls
the article from her pocket. Then you
feel as if you could go out doors and
swear hole twelve feet square through
block of brick buildings, but she
merely observes: Why on earth don't
you speak when you want anything, and
not stare around like dummy" When
that part of the pipe which goes through
the wall is up, she keeps it up with the
broom while you are making the con-
nection, and stares at it with an intensi-
ty that is entirely uncalled for. All the
while your position is becoming more
and more interesting. The pipe don't
go together, of course The SCOT shakes
down into your eyes and mouth, the
sweat rolls down your face and tickles
your chin as it drops off, and. it seems
as if your arms were slowly but surely
drawing out Of their sockets. Here
your wife comes to the rescue by inquir-
ing if you are going to be all day doing
nothing, and if you think her arms are
made Of cast-iron; and then the broom
slips off the pipe, and in her endeavor
to recover her hold she jabs you under
| tllC GILL Will lIc 1dIOlC, dllU Gu0 pipe
comes down on your head with its load
Of fried SCOT, and then the chair tits
forward enough to discharge your feet,
and you come down on the wrong end
of that chair with force that would
bankrupta pile driver. You don't touch
that stove again You leave your wife
examining the chair and bemoaning it's
injuries, and go into the kitchen and
wash your skinned and bleeding hands
with yellow soap Then you go down
the street after a man to do the business,
and your wife goes over to a neighbor's
with her chair. and tells them about the
injuries, and drains the neighborhood
dry of its sympathy long before you
get home.