Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-01-21
II IT o r.

UMOR.
HARD ON EDIToRs.-Soon after Chief
Justice Chase assumed the gubernatorial
chair in Ohio, he issued his proclamation
appointing Thanksgiving day. To make
sure of being orthodox, the Governor CON-
posed his proclamation almost entirely OF
passages from the Bible, which he did not
designate as quotations, presuming that
everybody would recognize them, and ad-
mire the fitness of the words as well as his
taste of selection. The proclamation meet
ing the eye of Democratic editor; he
bounced at once upon it, and declared that
he had read it before couldn't exactly say
where-but he would take his oath it was
a downright plagiarism from beginning to
end. That would have been pretty good,
fair joke; but the next day the republican
editor came out valiantly in defence of the
Governor, pronounced the charge libel
GUS, and challenged any man living to
produce one single line Of the proclamation
that had appeared in print before.
A MODEL STUDENT.-The Rev. DR..
Ritchie, of Edinburg, though very clever
man, once met with his match When ex-
aiming student as to che classes he at
tended, he said: "And you attended the
class for mathematics" eyes" elbow
many sides has circle?" 'sTwo," said
the student. "What are they?" What a
laugh in the court the Students answer
produced when he said, Gan inside and an
outside" "And you attended the moral
philosophy class, also?" Eyes" "Well,
you would hear lectures on various sub
jects. Did you ever hear one on cause
and effect?" eyes" "Give me an in
stance" ga man wheeling a barrow;
The doctor then sat down and proposed no
more questions.
The Hartford "Times,' tells of smart
Connecticut stump speaker, who was ha-
ranguing crowd in Fairfield county, when
the effect Of one of his strong points was
terribly broken by ,bawling exclamation
from half-drunken fellow in the crowd,
who sung out :-"Oh, you'are dema-
gogue?' The orator fixed his eye upon
the fellow and. pausing just a moment to
fix the attention of the audience, and give
his response the more effect, merely an
swered, with one of his own unapproacha-
BILE grins, 'sAnd put a wisp of straw arc und
your belly, and you'd be a demijohn." 1t
brought down the house and extinguislfed
the bibulous offender.
A Chicago young man was found dead
in his bed on the I'd inst, with his boots
and another mans hat on. They thought
he had been poisoned, so they analysed the
contents of his stomach, but found moth
ing in it except some pickles, pound cake,
lemonade, cold turkey, beer, fried oysters,
cold punch, ham sandwich, sponge cake,
beef tea, mince pie, champagne, lobster,
brandy. game pie, fruit cake, tea, chicken
salad, whiskey, coffee, bologna sausage,
port, cheese, sardines, and sherry; SO the
jury returned verdict of "Died through
the visitation of friends.
81 wouldn'5 be such Christian as you
are, john" said his wife, as she stood in
the doorway, dressed for church. ''You
could go with me very well if you wanted
to.n elbow can r." he half sobbed.
'sThere's the wood to be split and the coal
to be shoveled over to the other side Of the
shed, and no dishes washed for dinner
yet" "Ah, I didn't think of that" she
murmured thoughtfully, and giving her
new cloak fresh hitch aft, sailed out
alone.
ssPa,'' said little five-year-old seeker
after knowledge, 'swhat do men mean by a
damp s'They refer to bank that is
formed to prevent water from flowing, my
son.,' (After long silence. "Then, pa,
when our coachman, James, tipped the
carriage over, yesterday, were you afraid
he was going to cry when you said, Damn
your eyes, James?"'
II don't know" said young female,
meditatively, as she glanced at an elegant
ly dressed rival who was sailing out of
church, Sunday morning, with all the airs
of an empress know, but it seems
to me that every time she gets new stuffin
for her hustle, she sorter acts as if sorrer
couldn't hurt herr
A lady remarked to a popular divine that
his sermons were little too long. s'Don't
you think SOP" said she-ssjust little?"
sAh! dear madame" replied the divine,
ST am afraid you don't like the sincere
milk of the Word" Eyes, I do" said
she; ''but you know the fashion, nowadays,
is condensed milk"
ssHow wonderful are the works OF ma
ture! ~ have the Vigilantes of Dennison,
Tex, remarked five times during the past
ten years, as they have led gentlemen
charged with finding horses that nobody
had lost, under two trees joined by hori-
zontal limb.
One hundred years ago this nation was
simply about to be born and you, for
whom the world moves and the sun shines
and all creation is in motion, were merely
a remote and unthought Of contingency of
what was then the future.
A blind beggar in Paris was absent from
his usual position in a doorway during the
lateeold weather. In his stead was placard
with the inscription SIN consequence of
ahe severe cold I solicit aims at home," ac-
eompanied by his address.
$50 YOU wouldn t take me to be TWEEN
ay?7' said rich heiress to an Irish gentle
man. while dancing the polka. "What would
YOU take me for then % ''For better or
worse,'' replied the son Of the Emerald