The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1876-06-07
SELECTIONS.

A good lawyer is not necessity, for
necessity knows no law.
Just the thing for inquisitive peo-
plea elbow so ?''-ing machine.
Daniel Drew had nothing else but
his health to lose, and now he is losing
that.
Look out for counterfeit silver
dimes. Also look out for genuine sill
yer dimes.
bull-frog is never ''broke" finan-
cially. He always has a green-back,
you know.
A pair of Indiana twins, each fifty
years old, wish to pass themselves OFT
for centenarian.
A Trenton bankrupt always values
his possessions above par. This is his
heaviest ie-ability.
A new chrome with every egg now.
The crow-mO is a rooster, for rooster
can crow-mo' than a hen.
The man who kept a record Of how
often he repeated on drinks, used to
call it his ''index re-rum.'
A Western genius has invented a
machine for making artificial foliage.
He might call it ''a patent leave en-
They expect gh water in Utah
when Brigham Young dies. Thirty
six widows, by Jove! means another
deluge.
An Irishman being asked why he
left his country for America replied,
lit WASH t for want, I had plenty of
that at home.''
A good many men are seen noW-a-
days with copies of ''Cushing's Man.
uel'' sticking out of their coat-tail
pockets. They are candidates.
Stokes says his repeated efforts to
secure a pardon are the only things
which give him any pleasure. Why
deprive him of this pleasure by letting
him out?
''Dom Pedro,' says a New Orleans
paper, s'carried cane.' Judging
from the celebrity of the emperor's
movements, it must have been a
HURRICANE.
A celebrated poet advertised that he
would supply ''lines for any occasion"
A fisherman sought him soon after,
and wanted ''a line strong enough to
catch purpoise.'
Mr.. George Cruikshank is we'll
preserved Octogenarian. He is "a
years of age, and is still able to attend
public dinners and make speeches,
though he never drinks anything but
water.
+. The Mississippi women are chewing
snuff now more than ever. When a
man on the Tennessee frontier comes
home late, his wife can generally tell
whether he has been III Mississippi or
not, by the stain on his lips.
A Worcester mother, having occa-
sion to reprove her little seven-year-
old daughter for playing with some
rude Children, received for 4 reply {:
''Well, ma some folks don't like bad
company, but I always did -
Mr.. Newman spoke in recent SER
mon of s'the sad funeral procession,
which followed Abel to the grave An
irreverent woman in the audience
nudged her companion and whispered:
''Not SUCH large procession, but very
select. None but the first families.
Mrs. Gitup, of Davenport, remarked
to neighbor the other day: s'My hus-
band is the hardest man to reason with
that ever lived. I had to smash up
my china teapot and throw a milk
pitcher through the looking-glass be-
fore could make him promise to take
me to the Centennial
Industry is admirable no matter
where it is met with, and cleanliness,
we know, is next to goodness. But
even this virtue may be overdone.
For instance, a case is upon record
where a woman actually :sscoured the
neighborhood. This was little too
much of a good thing.
During the Mexican war one of the
generals came up to Capt. Bragg and
said {: ''Captain, the crisis has az
rived fire - Whereupon Capt.
BRAGG said to his lieutenant :: ..You
hear what the general says-fire -
The lieutenant said: s'But, captain.
don't see anything to fire at Fire at
the crisis,'' said Capt. Bragg;
ss'Who%w the first man?'' asked a
school-teacher of a little girl. She
answered she did not know. The ques-
ton was put to the next, an Irish child,
who answered loudly, "Adam, sir,''
with apparent satisfaction. "Law,'
said the first child contemptuously,
"You need't feel SO grand about the
wasn't an Irishman
An old detective at Troy says: s'If
1 desired to train my son for detect
i've, would first make him newspa-
per reporter. That, beyond any other
business, is the business that makes
stupid men smart, ordinary men able,
and capable men brilliant; and what
an experienced reporter cannot detect
is not worth detecting.