Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1876-03-31
The Kentucky NeteOrs.
From the N. Y. Times.

The other day Mrs Crouch, of Olympiar
Springs, Ky, was employed in the open all
and under q particularly clear sky. In the
celebration of those mysterious rites by
which the housewife transmutes straps ol
meat, bones, and effete overshOes into soap
Suddenly there descended upon her gentle
shower of meat. 1t fell impartially upon
the presumably just Mrs. Crouch and heI
unjust cat, and the latter, conceitedly as
sumine that at last Is merits had been
signally recognized, Immediately gorged
himself with the public breakfast SO unex-
pectly rendered to him. The meat was serv-
ed in the shape of hash. and its particles
ranged in size from delicate shred as light
as snowflake to solid lump three inches
square. 1t was in raw state, but 1t was
obviously perfectly fresh. Two Kentucky
gentlemen in prosperous clrcustances, and
accustomed to eating raw meat, tasted II
and pronounced the opinion that 1t wa:
either venison or mutton, and the greater
part of the state of Kentucky is probably
at this moment, covered with baskets and
tubs, which have been placed in the open
fields in readiness to catch the next shower
of atmospheric hash.
Whence came this remarkable rain? ? 1t
had not been predicted by the Weather
anu IL CUuiu uUt udNc UcCu tuC iC-
suit of the blowing up ofa distant boarding
house, inasmuch as no trace OF bone, but
tons and other componenrs of the hash OF
commerce could be discovered by the most
searching analysis The most obvious con-
clusion is that the Kentucky shower of meat
is really a meteoric shower. According to
the present theory of astronomers, an enor
nous belt OF meteoric stones constantly re-
wolves around the sun, and when the earth
comes in contact with this belt she Is
soundly pelted. Similarly We may suppose
that reyolves about the sun belt OF venisOn
mutton, and other meats, divided into small
fragments. which are precipitated upon the
earth whenever the latter crosses their path
OF course, the scientific persons will sneer
at this explanation, inasmuoh as they have
not been the first to propose 1t, and will
deny that there are any grounds whatever
for a belief in the existence of cosmetical
meat But if they believe in hypotheti-
cal belt of meteorlc stones, simply because
certain stones occasionally fall upon the
esrth's surface, why should they not believe
in a possible belt OF fresh meat, now that
particles of venison and mutton have fallen
on Mrs. Crouch and her appreciatiy, cat2 II
they revive the theory-how generally aban-
dOned-that the meteoric stones are trag-
ments of an exploded planet, then we may
require them to admit that the Kentucky
shower consists of fragments OF exploded in
habitants who formerly occupied the wreck
ed planet. Doubtless, their tiual argument
will be that their instruments show them
no traces OF meat IN the solar system or ;he
nterstellar spaces. This is very true, but
so far from upset;ing the belt theory, ii
merely shows that new instruments ot wider
powers must be invented.
There is ani obvious need OF an improved
spectroscope which will exhibit the appro.
pirate lines for beef. mutton. yenIson
poultry and fish as plainly as the present
spectroseope shows the lines of hydrogen
magnesium, and other chemical elements
With such an instrument. combined with g
telescope sufficiently powerful to make visi
bic the hypothetical meat belt. We nigh
obtain some really satisfactory astronomical
knowledge The Signal Service Bureau
could learn at what time to look for showers
of meat, and could announce them with the
same confidence with which il now occasion.
ally phrophesies clear or cloudy weather.
Ii We should read under the head o.
"pr1ba Utilities" that light showers oi
hee.steak may be looked for in the New
England and Middle States during the morn
ing, followed by heavy rain Of mutton IL
the afternoon, We could abstain from
visiting the market, and could, instead
spread out a sheet on the roof and lay in
weeks supply of butchers meat. Suct
predictions would. OF course. be based upoI
the increased brillIancy of the spectroscopl
lines Of beef and mutton. These lines wOulC
naturally grow brighter as the earth near
ed the meat belt, and if the orbit OF the bel
were once thoroughly known. We could pre-
dict meat showers with the same certainty
with which the August and Novembei
meteoric showers are now predicted
When once the scientific men accept tht
hypothesis Of the existence of cosmica
meat. they will tell US what grand anC
solemn thought it Is. that at the distanc,
I Of whole states full of figures, vast nebuls
of finely comminuted meat are crclin.
steadily ground the sun. They Will tell u
| how astronomers, profoundly learned il
/ chalk and black boards and filed full to th,
! lips with logarlthms and long division, saw
! that the falling OF meat on the head Of Mrs
| Crouch and her hungry cat postulated th
existence OF meat belt and thereupon cal
culated Its orbit and its periodic time viii
an as-iduitY that Immediately raised tn
| price OF chalk crayons. At present, how
| ever, they will boot at the very theor'
which they will ultimately adopt, and vii
! put forward feeble hyotheses of the explOs
| ion of cattle steamboat or the tying of
/ of nitro-glyecrine 10 large dogs tail, IL
/ order to account Tor the meteoric pheno
menon which has alarmed the Kentuck,
! butchers, and. filed all other hentuckian
| with amazement and delight