Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1876-02-19
Beecher. saearman and the Devil.

Cal dCCOuut VI uSu paiiSuiouOi ~
Plymouth Church, who, in January,
| 1867, paid S2l,0UO for pew, giving
his name as Cash" He became
regular attendant and paid close and
fattering attention to Henry's remarks.
His conduct was so mysterious that
Bros. Beecher and Sbearman resolved
to unearth the mystery. So the latter
brought gimlet and some screws one
evening, aud fastened the stranger to
his pew by the hem of his garment.
Were it not well known that the Sun
reporters have free passes to tie par
quette circle down below, the yeracity
of the following report of the interview
which took place between the trio of
worthless might be questioned. As it is
, we must believe and tremble:
Then the stranger slow y unbuttoned
bis ulster and stood up, leaving the
over-coat fastened to the bench by the
willy Shearman's two screws. Then he
tapped the floor triumphantly with his
cloven foot and whisked about tail
nearly as lc7g as Mr.. Evarts's speech.
Then he took off his queer shaped skull
cap and revealed two horns as appalling
to Mr.. Beecher as the horns of his own
dilemma. Then he smiled serenely upon
the astonished pastor and the confound-
ed Weeper.
"Genrlemen," began the no longer
nameless parishioner, sit is long time
since | have been regular attendant
before at church and prayer meetings.
| haven't exactly liked the style Of pull
pit talk, you know, and Martin Luther
and Thomas nnox and some others |
might mention have used me pretty
roughly in their time But since read
the report of the Great Trial in the Tri-
bune-a paper, by the way, which l
have perused with infinite pleasure ever
since Jay Gould bought it-Ihave taken
strong fancy toyou, Mr. Beecher, and
to the Plymouth style of religion. Yon
are a manly fellow, sir; man after my
own heart, sir. Your adultery was
fine stroke, an artistic stroke, egad. L
cant show anything prettier on my
books. Your perjury, too, was dellci-
ous. Couldn't have done better on the
witness stand myself ] assure you it
made a great sensation in hell. 1t re-
viyed interest there in church matters
to an amazing degree. In fact. Mr.
Beecher, we got up little church OF
our Cwn, and voted unanimously y TO give
YOU call. No denominational connec
tions; work light and agreeable; total
freedom to your personal relations; no
illiberal theology TO hamper you; eli
mate warm, ard salary 100000 every
year. I've fixed up a nice little parson-
age (unmortgagedD for You in the cellar
under the 'boltomless pit" Aud the
devil stood patiently awaiting an answer
and scratching his left ear with the
sharp end of his tail.
"But," cried Mr.. Beecher, "this is
very sudden! This is very
"Come!" said the delegate from be-
low, in louder and more authoritative
tone. The leonine face was very sheep
like now.
Brother Sherman threw up awindow
sash, jumped ont, and rushed away in
breathless haste.
II am afraid must Decline" said
Bcecher. 81 fear the climate isn't good
for the hay fever"
"Come!' shouted the devil third
time. "You might as well try to row
up Niagara in peanut shell as to pull
against my wishes"
Meanwhile Sherman had returned,
and was Aourishing documents under
the devils nose.
"Hold on!" yelled the lawyer, "you
mustn't take him. I've got an injunc-
tion here"
"Not good" said Satan. "Your
courts have no jurisdiction in my case" ."
"And I've got quo warranto writ,
continued Sherman, waving second
document.
"No jurisdiction, I repeat" said the
devil, calmly. 81 assure you, upon my
professional honor, your quo warranto
won't hold water. Come! Henry Ward
Beecher."
"Then take me tool" exclaimed the
highly pious lawyer, his eyes brimming
with brine. "You will not part me
from my pastori | love him better than
aught of earth beside. Better than my
own wife-yea, than many wives.
Whittier he goest there goest | also.
Take me along with Henry Ward
Beecher."
"Pardon me" said the devil politely
but firmly. 81 mean no offense, for /
regard you as a very valuable person
on earth But you are together too
watery for our latitude. / wouldn't
have you in hell at any price. You could
put out all my fires with half an eye.
Really, now, you'll have TO excuse me
for the present. BY and by you will
be better prepared"
"Take me! take mel pleaded Shear
man, bursting into tears. lyon take
Henry Ward Beecher, why not take
met" t
Excuse me" said the devil again,
with a low bow aud sardouic gain.
"You remember what Sir Joseph Banks
remarked just after his famous expert
ment with the Holsters and fleas in the
kettles"
"No;" said Shearman, "What was
it, p
"Fleas are not Holsters, d-n their
souls, whispered the deyil in low,
sweet voice as he vanished in cloud
II