The Newberry herald. [volume] (Newberry, S.C.) 1865-1884, 1876-01-05
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OBITUARIES IN ENGLAND.

The following amusing sketch
from London Fun shows that the
obituary style of literature, though
exotic in England, fourishes very
we'll there:
I, Mr.. Dapper Voluble, salesman:
with Messrs. Boltwhack &Tearsheet,
inen-drapers, had gone down to
Stuckup-super-Mare for a lungful
of ozone, and had met many friends.
Ny condition may be inferred-l
was overcome by excess Of ozone.
Endeavoring to catch my hotel I
ran into churchyard, intending to
pass through and intercept the hos
telry on the other side-head it off.
Unfortunately [ struck my foot
against a tombstone-there were
many stones-a numberless multi
tude of stones was in that church
yard-companies, squadrons, and
battalions, performing their sum
mer manenvers. They appeared
to be trying to surround me
as, lying fiat on my back, I watched
their little games. Sometimes they
would circle about me so closely
that T could almost decipher the in
scriptions, and one portentous fell
low, T could swear, came and stood
at my head, displaying my own
name and age in insulting CAPT
tails; but when I turned to get a
better look at the date of my death
he was off.
All this time the earth was heaV-
ing and swaying unsteadily beneath
me, and pretty soon it had so tilted
that looking down the decliVity, l
saw the beach at an immeasurable
distance below, thronged with
bathers, while the surface OF the
-ess.aaed -:thickly with
pleasure boats. I tried to speculate
on the probable number of drown
ings that would occur before night
fall, but the declivity between me
and the beech grew so alarmingly
steep that I tainted from fright.
When my, senses returned it was
late in the. afternoon. The earth
resumed it's level, the tombstones
had ceased their evolutions. Some
body was stirring me with his foot
"a wild looking young man with
an uuholy light in the eyes OF
him.
''Illustrious visitor" he said, as
in response to more than com,
monty vigorous kick I rose to
my feet, "fear not I am a mortal
like yourself. lam the Parish Epi-
taphist. Would you behold my
work?@
I would behold his work.
Taking me familiarly by the hand.
he led me to the nearest tombstone
I bent and read:
"Here lies the body of Jonathan Scout,
Who went in the water and never came out
Supposed to be floating about
"But," said I, "this is a bull
How can this body lie if it is float
ing about @
My companion regarded me fol
a moment with a compassionate
eye then led me silently to another
stone:
Beneath this stone repoSe one
Who, when his task of life was done,
We buried by the salt, salt sea,
Which thoroughly had picked he.'
"This," T famed out, is atrocious!
this is intolerable Picked he,
indeed! I will trust myself nc
longer with a man to whom gram
mar is tradition and myth"
He would not release my hand
and I followed him unwillingly tc
the next stone:
Ihe laQy VINO lies mere asleep
Was drowned in the briny deep;
She went bathing when the damp
Produced in her sort Of cramp."
"By Jove!" I thundered, strug
Cling vainly to release my hand
this is mere murder. Take my
purse, my watch! Take anything
I have, but let me go, I tell you
Ha! take this locket, containing
likeness of my wifes aunt"
He took me! The next one raj
thus:
'sLittle Billy Kemper,
Boating in gale;
Midland County Member
Managing the sail.
N5;51ood Hour}v hemhar