The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-12-02


The Franklin County (Ky) Patriot hits the
nail square on the head:
T'other evening we were lying
In our sanctum, vainly trying
To invent some local items fer our valuable
Sheet
When a fend," who thought us sleeping,
To our desk came softly creeping,
Picked up some late exchanges and then started
for the street
Then the air grew denser, thicker,
As our old Bogardus Kicker"
Raised the grim, audacious stranger through the
window with a crash
Just lifted him SO neatly
That he disappeared completely,
With his shoulders ornamented with shattered
window-sash.
And the stranger still is heing
Through the atmosphere a.fying,
With a" flag of truce "protruding through the
hole Bogardus tore;
And the soothing thought comes DER US
That he never more will bore us
Never come to steal exchanges from our sane
tum any more.
A local concert troupe in Geneva have hit on a
new way to make money. They give concert,
and then get the music-loying people to pay
them literally not to repeat it,
Peter Cooper was arrested in Chicago last
week for passing counterfeit money There
must be more than one man Of that name, for
we are certain it was not honest Peter Cooper,
the colored Ottawa blacksmith.
contemporary heads an article, "Glrs Don't
Flirt" They don't, eh? That editor has either
never mingled much in female society, or doesn't
know how to punctuate.
The Boston GLOBE pretends to question whether
the following was written by Martin F. Topper:
Who hath seen mule die?
Hath the vision, of man encompassed one upon
his last legs and about to keel overY
Nixy, my boy, for the mule is immortal!
He iiveth thousand years, and then braceth
up, and taketh fresh hold for twenty thou
sand.
Such is the vastness, the grandeur, the great
ness of the animilc. He is big thing!
why is he q thing that is big?
Thou fool, go to the ant and consider!
He Is big because he is not little, and
Bigness difiereth from litteness even as the flea
differeth from the barn-door.
Be wise, oh man. Pad out thy skull with knowl-
edge, and learn wisdom Of me, the poet Of
the obvious
Any person that finds glove on the streets
any where will oblige by leaving 1t at this of
dce.-IOnicd Netcs.
Or should 1t be gold ring, or nice mutf, or
ten dollar bill, or any little gim-crack OF that
sort, he may leave 1t all the same, and obge.
This is the way Alcck, of Russia, puts it: an
tell you why Pm Russian things as l am" says
the Gar; "those heathenish Turks keep killing
off Christians in cold blood every Dey, and by
all the Great Powers at once ask, Ottoman to
stand t?'
Brooklyn A,guS: "Bruce had recourse to the
sword, Tell to the bow and arrow, and Washing
ton appealed to the God of battles; but when n
womansstrikes for liberty she uses anything she
can lay hands ON
The Avoca Delta offers the following lucid eX-
planation of the present situation of the presi-
Dental muddle. The illustration, we are told, is
based on the orthodox presbyterian game of
sc yen-up, with which probably some Of our read
ers are acquainted
II Hayes should happen to make high, low,
lack and the game, he has four aud IL puts him
out On the contrary, if Tilden should Flip an
ace of trumps from the bottom of the deck, or
play that other Democratic trick and turn
lack Hayes is busted for u fact. You see the
whole trouble lies in the fact that Tilden's got
he deal,
The Northern Star, published at Shohomish
City, Wy, has this "Wll Mrs, Sinclair aud our
chief accept the thanks Of this Office; Mrs, Sin
clair for lot Of very fine cherries of the Prin-
cess Ann variety, sent to our chief, and our chief
for his absence"
The Ottawa FREE TRADER puts an article on
"baked beans under the head Of farm and
garden" when every good housewife knows that
ii should be under the head Of metcOrology.
Pel1t Herald.
Detonoogy" would perhaps have been the
better head, but this is not a scientific journal.
1t Is the season when one turns from the glory
of star-it skies, the balmy sweetness OF the
warm south wind, and the music of purling
brooks, aud takes TO ramming about on his knees
in dark closets and chubby -holes, trying To find
his last years Observation-Disclosures Ro,gh
Notes
Somebody remarks that young ladies look up
on a boy as a nuisance until he is past the age of
lG, when he generally doubles up in value each
year. until, like a meerschaum pipe, he is price
less.
The members Of the Brooklyn Tabernacle
Church rarely say amen to the utterdnccs Of
Mr.. Talmage. 1t comes up as more in keeping
TO yell out, Here here.n or" Hurrah!"
There's a barber in this city who is web-foot-
ed. Moses Webb is the man. Why don't you
laugh :-Iurord NcrS
Where does the laugh come In? Is il because
being web-footed makes him goose-a barber
Gus goose, as il were? Your jokes are 50 deep.
minister writes TO the Nation a commupica-
ton on Science and signs 1t Glorious" \ sci
enlist replies TO 1t, and signs his article "ScIen-
tih-cus," and the war between the ." cusses still
RACES.
Anna Dickinson wears clocks on her stock
ings.-SL L0lis Republican. Then she must have
hands on them-and second hands OF that, but
you must have got above your business TO have
learned this iact-St. Louis Weekly Pres That
is false on the face Of it.--PrefsFs Weekly Gen
tlemen, your dial-leg-;Ick propensiticS need
watching-yours is a kneesy dialect 10 miscon-
strue.-AuTOrd Ne'rs Who said anything about
knees. Your ideas are creeping up to ticlk-lish
places.
When the skillful N. d. deposed that " The
ball. SIR, pierced the traehea just below the cri