The Manitowoc tribune. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1866-1878, 1876-03-02
HOW TO EXTINGUIsH A LAMP.
A Secret Worth Knowing,

A Secret Worth Knowing.
Experience is the mother of wisdom.
There Is gentleman of our acquaint-
ance in this city who knows just precise
~ how to extinguish coa-oil lamp.
He tried the experiment few evenings
ago, aad the result proved to be almost
entirely satisfactory-at least sufficiently
so to render all further attempts to IN
raval the mysteries Of coal-oil and it's ex-
| plosive properties comparatively unne-
| cessary. We have read somewhere
| can't say whether it was Hoylc or Ches-
ter6eld-that Providence is ever mind
full of the fate of the good. If such is
true it would seem more than probable
that Providence has ordained an especial
guardian angel to keep constant vigil
DER the fate of good bachelors pre-
aInbulating this vale of tears with
out the counsel of a devoted wife to
lead them on paths of peace and safety.
To this fortunate class of mortals we
rate the gentleman here alluded to.
Alone in the solitude of his bachelor do
main, lost i'll the lore Of past ages, night
came creeping up to the dread hour
when watchmen yawn and graves fit
about like ghostly shadows to haunt the
step of evil-doers. Worn, weary, and
tired, feeling the touch of the drowsy
God, he at last put aside his book, dis
robed Tor bed, aud having wrapped the
folds of his toga about him, proceeded
with stately mien to carry out the Moor's
instructions to
Put out the light, and tnen--
Put out the light =!
There is more than one way of putting
out coal-oil lamp, but the most COM
mon method seems to consist in
just running ones eyes down the
ridge OF the nose like drawing bead
on blunderbuss, and when all is ready
wel-charged f-f-f f-o-o-o-o-t down the
chimney happs darkness about ones ears
like the jaws of a closing coon-trap. This
isn't the best way by a long shot as the
sequel will show, but the gentleman re-
ferred to, had tried this method for years
and never knew it to fail. Preparations
for retiring completed, he quietly but
deliberately advanced to extingnish his
lamp, for which purpose he telescoped
hims Elf tip-toe in order to. attain the ne
cessay altitude, drew bead and breath,
and with one tremendous if f-f.o-o-o-o
produced one of the finest tableaux we
have ever heard Of illumination and
plastic repose all charming and perfectly
grand. At the same instant the crack
of doom reechoed from the walls of this
peaceful home, and there, in the midst
of an ocean Of fire, stood erect the gen
tleman referred to, like the prophet Elias
in his miraculous voyage to better
world. The look of establishment pre-
vading the good natured features of our
friend at this unexpected addition to the
programme heightened the effect visibly.
The lamp had exploded. 1t is a fact
we'll known to most people that when
ones garments are ablaze there is no
plausible excuse for clinging to sublime
attitude. In such moments time is in
deed money, and nothing is more speed
lily realized than that bird in the hand
Is worth more than inseed poultice OF
roll of cotton batting. If anything
were necessary to substantiate the truth
of these words, we might point to the
record of time made by the gentleman
referred to, in bringing to the scene of
disaster pillows and counterpanes suf-
icient to have smothered out lighted
house; but this is unnecessary. In less
time than it takes us to pen these lines
the flames were covered, and rising above
his misfortunes, our friend moRnted the
demon like veritable st. George, and
began the execution of highland fling
such as the Oldest Scott can never have
dreamt of. The last Pickering light of
the demon revealed the noble form of
the gentleman referred to, looking like
triumphant Phoenix rejuvinating into
new life from the ashes of past genera
tiors. The flames were subdued, the
damage but trifiing, and the gentleman
referred to gathered up the remnants of
his bed to repose and to dream of how
in future coal-oil lamp may be extin-
guished with perfect safety. He now
proceeds thusly When bed time al
rives he quietly passes out of the house
and coming around outside brings along
with him ten-foot pole to which, at one
end, is fixed queer, but ingenious pair
of self-adjusting nippers. Gently rails
ing the window nearest the lamp, the
pole is carefully introduced, carefully
adjusted to the wick screw, and the light
carefully turned down. If, when the
pole is withdrawn and the window clos
ed, ten minutes have expired and no re-
port is heard, the gentleman refer
red to, enters his bachelors hall
with perfect impunity, goes to bed
and sleeps the sleep of the just. We
l. L. H.