The Toledo chronicle. [volume] (Toledo, Tama County, Iowa) 1873-1924, 1876-11-23
Smiler'S HeaIth-Litt.

". l. OUSe1 Ctf.
Smiler'S HeaIth-Lift.
THEY are in the midst of a big law
suit down in my village between Dr..
Smiler and the rest of the population
of the town of Pencader. The doctor,
it seems, had large tank placed on
the top of his house from which to
supply his Bathroom, and so forth,
with water. The water had to be
pumped up about fifty feet from the
cistern in the yard, and the doctor
fourd it to be pretty good-sized job,
which would cause him constant ex-
pense. So after thinking the matter
over very carefully, one day an idea
struck him. He built room over the
cistern and put the word "Sanitar-
ium'' over the door. Then he con-
cealed the pump machinery beneath
the floor and he rugged up a kind of a
complicated apparatus with handles,
and hinges, and a crank, so that man
by standing in the middle of the ma
chine and pulling the handle up and
down would operate that pump.
Then the doctor got out circulars
and published advertisements about
"Smiler's Patent Health-Lift," and
he secured testimonials from a thou
sand or so people who agreed that the
Health-Lift was the only hope for the
physical salvation of the human race.
Pretty soon people began to call to see
about it, and old Smiler would rush
them out to the Sanitarium" and set
them to jerking the handles. And
when customer had pumped up fifty
gallons OF 50, Smiler would charge
him a quarter and tell him that three
months of that kind of thing would
give him muscles like a prize-tighter
And he would push the project
among his patients. If man was
bilious, or had the toOthache, or was
afflicted with rheumatism, or men,
branous Group, or measles, or yellow
fever, or cholera mOrbus, Smiler
would turn him in at the Health-Lift
and get a quarter each time. The
thing became so popular that he had to
enlarge his tank and put in smaller
pump; and he not only got all his
pumping Gone for nothing, but the
people who did it paid him about ST.
500 year for the privilege. 1t began
to look like an uncOmmonly soft thing,
and everybody was contented and
happy.
One day, however, old Mr.. Magin-
mis-, who had been practicing at the
HealthLift every day for months in
order to cure himself of indigestion,
damned the handles down a little too
hard, and broke the board upon which
he was standing. AS the board gave
way it plunged Mr.. Maginnis into the
cistern, and just as he was sinking
for the third time Smiler fished him
out with a crooked nail in the end of
a clothes-prop. As soon as the water
was drained out of him, Maginnis
said:
81 didn't know you had a cistern
under that floor. What did you do
that for?"
"Why, to keep the air moist. 1t is
healthier than dry air."
at looked to me as if there was
some kind of a pump under there"
"Oh, no. said Smiler, "those are
only the levers of the Lift"
-"Mighty queer" said Maginnis.
thoughtfully. elf that isn't a pump
then don't know one when | see it."
SO few days later Maginnis came
around with lot of other patients,
and found the doctor out. They de-
termined to investigate. They pulled
up couple of boards, and ascertained
the facts about that pump. Then they
crOss-eXamined Smiler's servant girl.
and learned about the truth, and then
they went home mad. a consulta-
ton was held, at which every bill
ious and rheumatic individual who
had been working the doctors pump
used violent language, and talked about
murder and sudden death. Finally
they resolved to prosecute Smiler for
damages and for obtaining money I'M
der false pretenses. 1t is thought by
good judges that by the time the court
gets through with Smiler that will be
about the unhealthiest Lift for HIM that
he was ever interested in -" Mar Ade-
ler," in N. Y. Weekly.