Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1876-04-29
VIRGINIA FREE PRESS.
{. /. & &F.H.D. GALIlHER. EDITORS
charlestown, Jefferson Co., w. Ve
OFFICE IN "JEFFERsoN BUnDIYG.
Saturday. April 90, 1876.
Grants New Secretary of war.

Although one OF the best lawyers IN the
country. Judge Taft don't know anything a.
bout war. lie never fred off a two-horse
lumber wagon. But he is determined to learn.
The other day Grant dropped in at the war
office and found his new Secretary deep among
official documents
Posting yourself up, Alphonso?" said
the President, with an encouraging smile.
" Yes" said the Judge, eagerly, 81 want to
know everything pertaining to the business.
| have been running over the disbursements Of
the department fer tie last year to sec what
was expended for catapults."
I" For cata- what ?" said the President,
pausing, as he was about to strike match on
his boot to light fresh cigar.
Ca,apul;s. You have them in the army,
haven you ?" said the Judge in rather an IN
certain tone of voice.
The President smiled little, and said they
did have few en over from the war, but he
believed they had all been used up. Then the
Secretary said he should certainly order
some more made, for be considered the cata-
pult one of the most effective weapons in mo-
dern warfare. They did great execution at
the siege Of Jerusalem, as remember read
ing" unused the Secretary, land it is doubt
| full whether Tiberius would have been able to
have reduced the city without them"
Grant looked at his new Secretary through
the cigar smoke few moments. ast'tlpn-told
/ him if he ordered any catapults he had better
have them "riled," with an adjustable, muz-
zlc-loading bayonet and the Secretary made a
memorandum to that effect
al see that considerable money has been
spent in experimenting with torpedoes," con-
tinued the Secretary, looking over the dis
bursements. THAT seems TO be waste OF
money, and it encourages q bad habit among
children. Serious accidents have frequently
resulted from little boys throwing torpedoes
under horses feet on the Fourth Of July, and
it ought to be stopped"
The President allowed that the torpedo
wasn't thing to fool with, and the Secretary
read on Suddenly lie jumped to bis feet,
while the hot Indignant blood flashed to his
very temples, as he exclaimed: "No wonder
the country is impoverished aud the Taxpayer
I sroaning beneath lis burdens. Here, while
trade anguiehes aud tie Thee!s Of industry
are cloggcd all over the land, my predecessor
has been shipping luxurious deicacies to the
garrisons Of our forts thinly concealed under
the term Of "shel." What does shell mean
Shell oysters, Of course That's what it
means But they don't getauy shell while
am Secretary I'll settle that
That's right" said the President. II
they get any oysters make them shell out for
them themselves and then he added in an un-
dertoue aside to himself, "They would have to
if they bought them of one Of Belknap's post
traders"
"Yes," continued the Secretary, "look at
the quantity of grape on hand, classed among
Munitions of War What does grape mean
and what rs it for ?"
"It is to wash down the she'll oysters
with, suppose" said Grant, with merry
twinkle in bis eye, which the Judge didn't see.
That's it, exactly" cried the Judge
Keeping the soldiers on wine and oysters
while thousands of people are wandering a.
round in hopeless search ofafree lunch. tell
you, Lyssis, this is scandalousW
The President, as he arose to 60, said be
was q ad he had a Secretary Of War, at length,
who was determined to look into things snd
reform abuses. and cautioning him not to for
get to have those catapults rided, he returned
10 the White House with broader grin on
his face than anybody lad ever seen there be-
fore. " FAT Contributor"