Fayette County herald. [volume] (Washington [Washington Court House], Fayette County, O. [Ohio]) 1860-1???, 1876-01-20
HUMOROUS.

1t is hard to believe that Babbitt, the
new York soap manufacturer, could have
been robbed of from $500. 600 to 5000, 900
without missing the money. If any one
should rob us OF half that sum, we would
know 1t right aWay.-NorTiStoagn Herald.
A young clergyman, whose reputation
for veracity was none of the best, ventured
70 Ee,,t the .propriety of whipping children.
Mhy," said he, ''the only time my father
whipped me was for telling the truth"
wen" retorted the doctor, FEit cured YOU
of it, didn't it,"
a fellow somewhat EEboozy'' had seated
himself by the stove in a church, and, on
becoming somewhat affected by the heat,
and making disturbance, was shown to
the door by the usher, when he turned
around, taking good look at the minis
ter, and said in a slow and loud voice:
''Such preachin's that's enough to make
dog sick.''
'EBrothern and sisters" said little
man at a prayer meeting lately; FEbroth-
ern and sisters, haven't got much to say,
but that ar little is precious. l amt no
skOller, and what little l lurnd at school
I've about forgot. But bless the Lord,
there's one thing I hain't forgot, nor new
er shall. No, glory to God, I hain't for
got how to spell Jesus -J-i-s-o-u-s 70
A deaf and dumb mendieant was sud-
denly startled by the rude shouts of some
boys while walking down a New York
street, and in turning slipped on an or
ange peel and fell. He gave the lads
severe lecture, much to the enjoyment of
blind beggar at the corner, who saw the
whole occurrence through his green glas-
ses, and was much amused thereat.
He had made a hearty meal at a restau-
rant, and, rising up, he said to the cash
ier: 81 declare, if l haven't forgotten my
Wallet The cashier fired up, and hurl-
ed big words at him for full three minutes
before pausing for breath. When a
chance came, the stranger continued: But
l have fifty dollars here in my vest pock-
et." The cashier couldn't smile to save
him.
A clergyman who had been staying for
sometime at the house of friend, on GO
ing away, called to him little Tommy, the
four-year-old son of his host, and asked
him what he would giYehim for a present,
Tommy, who had a great respect for the
Ftcloth,'' thought it was his duty to sug-
gest something of religious nature, SO
he answered, hesitatingly. 'EII THINK
should like Testament, and 1 KNOW I
should like popgun!'
A farmer escorted his girl into Vieks-
burg shoe store, the other day, to have
her provided with new understandings,
and as he left her, in order to call at a
store in another street, he said: sfNow,
Hannah, don't go and make fool of your
self trying to crowd your big No. feet
into No. 8 shoes !" She blushed fiery red
and gave him terrible look, but he went
on: "YOu know you did it last spring,
and believe that's the reason you had
tn EN- biles on your legs!'
This is a scene on the doorstep of a
Portland doctor, as related in the Adver-
tiser of that city:
els the doctor in ?"
F'He is not, at this moment" said the
doctors wife. "What shall 1 tell him
when he returns ?''
''Well, ye see, mum, me little by was
sick a sphelagO, and the doctor cum to him
an he tOuld me thin he would die, an he
did die, an be gorra, [ want him too pass
! the same judgment on the ould woman. .
There was once a sea-captain who de-
clared that, in all his experience, he neY-
er failed to meet with bad weather when
| he had on board his ship man who part
| ed his hair in the middle. 81 don't know
how it is said the ancient mariner; "but
the elements can't seem to tolerate that
| habit" An equally unreasonable old
landsman said of the tribe who carry
sticks: Everybody is fitted for some
thing useful. Now, young man who
can't do anything else, can carry cane. .
Scene at Brooklyn wedding breakfast.
/ Company all seated about the table. A
pause in the general conversation. Happy
| husband, to his Wife's seyen-year-Old SIS
ter at the other end of the room: E'WeII,
Julie, you have a new brother now, -
Julie-''Yes, but mother said to papa the
other day that she was afraid you would
never amount to much, but that it seemed
to be Sarah's last chance Intense silence
for moment, followed by rapid play OF
| 1-,,s I'll 4~,.1zc
A correspondent sends the following
reminescence: When Congressman La
mar was returning home at the close OF
the session of Congress in 1860, a news
boy on the Memphis and Charleston Rail
road insisted that he should purchase {
book he repeatedly offered him. Annoyed
by his pertinacity and anxious to be riC
of him, Mr.. Lamar said to him, with a
wave of his hand, "Oh, pshawi DOM
bother me so. Iwrote the book" Quick
as thought the little fellow answered
''Ah! now I know. That's what makes
it so darned hard to SELL"
A young woman writes desiring to learn
whether it is true that kissing dead man
will cure the tooth-ache. 1t might; it
sometimes makes a great difference as to
| whether you take your medicine hot or
cold. But we would earnestly advise her
to try kissing multitude of live men be-
fore taking so peculiar prescription. Ii
is our impression that cOrpses are absO-
1utely worthless for kissing purposes, and
if one can find no better use for them
they might as well be handed over to the
needy and deserving worms.
A traveller lately returned from Wiehi-
ia, Kansas, describes the custom prevail
ing in the District Court there as anything
but impressive. A large sign, hung in {
conspicuous place, announced E'No smok
ing aIlOwed.'' The Judge sat with hi:
| chair tipped back and his feet among tht
law books and ink bottles on his desk
smoking a capacious meerschaum pipe
The jury lOunged comfortably in theil
box, nine of them smoking vigorously
while among the bar and spectators every
other man had lighted pipe or cigar il
his mouth, and the atmosphere of tht
court room was almost blue.
sEI give and bequeath to Mary, my wife
the sum o. one hunder pounds a year, y
said an old farmer. ''Is thatwritten down
meaSter ?''
eyes," replied the lawyer, Etbut she i;
not so old-she may marry again. Won'i
you make any change in that case? Most
GAY, do they ?'' said the farmer. ''WeI
write again, and say that if my wife mar
ries again, l will give and bequeath to he
the sum of two hunder pounds year
That'l do, won't it, measter ?"
"WhY, it's just doubling the sum sh,
= would have if she remained unmarried,
said the lawyer; sit is generally the otheI
: way-the legacy is lessened if the widow
marries again"
cay" said the farmer, "but him as get:
her'n desarve it,
, mr Smiths Photograph BY His Wife
Says Mrs. Jones:
sEWhat a Quiet man YOUR husband is