davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03
Wanted to be an Editor.
From the Boston Patriot.


" Have you had any experience in the bus
lness?" we asked of a verdant looking youth
who applied for an editorial position the 9th
er day
Haven't I thought" he replied as he
showed one foot under his chair to hide the
Gnskiilful patching of backwoods cobbler
should say I'd had some experience
haven't corresponded with the Pumpkin
vile Screaner for six weeks! Hainr that
experience enough?"
THAT will do very we'll" we replied, but
when we take young men on our editorial
staff we generally put them through an ex
animation. How much are twelve times
one?"
Twelve! why any little boy ought to
an"
Hold on, please-don't be too fast-who
discovered American"
"KluHbus! Pshaw, the question is Just as
easy as"
"Who was the first man."
Adam why. u .ter, know all"
"What was hi, other name?"
His other lame? why, he didn't have
none"
Yes he did You see that's where we've
got you. His other name was Ebenezer-
Ebenezer Adam, Esq, late of Paradise. No.
body knows this but editors, and see 10 il
that you don't IL il anybody"
He said he wouldn't
How many bones are there in the human
body?"
Well, forget now, but l did know
wunst"
What! don't you know that Why there's
7,4S2,654,921 ,444 bones in an ordinary man
A man that SHORES has one more bone than
other people,
What bone is thats'
The trombone. It's situated somewhere
III the nose. You won't forget that, will youg"
He said he wouldn't.
How long would it take q mud turtle IN
cross the desert of Sahara with a small or
phan boy to touch him up behind with a
red-hot poker?"
well, look here, Mister, if had slate
and pencil | could figger that out, but dog my
skin film much on mental 'rithmetic
'Slate and pencil! Did you ever see a
slate and pencil about a sanctum? Nonsense
Well, we'll let that question slip. Have YOU
got good constitution"
Putty tolerable."
"How long do you suppose you could 1--we
on raw corn and faith and the work of a do
INVESTIGATED elephant"
Lord! don't belieYe could live more'o
a week"
"Well, that's about rs long as you'd want
to live if you got an editorial position on this
paper. You appear to be pretty well posted:
we shall ask you one more question, and if
you prove equal to It you can take off your
coat and sail in"
Lets have 'er, squire. | didn't CORES
pond for the Pumpkinville .Screamer SIX
weeks for nothin' Let 'er cOme-I'm on
deck, am"
"Well, sir, If two dIametrlcal circles with
Octagonal peripheries should collide with
centrifugal idiosyncrasy, or TO put it palmer,
we'll say disenfranchised nonentity-whatI
effect would the catastrophe exert on a crys-
tsllized cod fish suspended by the tail from
homogeneous rsfters of the empyrean?'
As the full force of this ponJerous problem
broke upon his bewildered brain, he slowly
dragged his inartistically-co shoe from
under his chair and started from the room.
We heard him descend the stair, go out, and
close the door. We then placidly resumed
our duties, regrettIng that so promising 3
youth should have been weighed in the bal.
ance and found wanting.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

Appearances are often deceitfu but when
a man who is engaged to red.headed girl is
seen at midnight with both arms around a
street lamp telling it it is too sweet to live, it
is usually safe to presume that new kind of
temperance bltters has been introduced into
the ghbOrhoOd.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

ma! does my pa kiss the cat?" "Why
no, No. my son, what in the name of goodness
put that in your head" Zoos, when pa
came down stairs this m ornlng he kissed
Sarah in the hall way and SAID that's better
than kissing that old cat up stairs, amt it,
Sarah" And that, people say, is the reason
why Smith stayed in the Charity hospital for
nearly two months.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

"Whcrc's the bar?' asked dirty and
rather boozylooklng stranger of the bell boy
Of hotel the other day. What kind of a
bar?" asked the latter "Why "a saloon. bar,
of course; what do you suppose | mean ~
"Well," drawled the boy, Il didn't know
but you mi ght mean bar of soap"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

H,Landlord didn't you ever have a
gentleman stop with you beforeY' "Arc you
"A gentleman" yes, am" Then never
had one stop with me before"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

DR.. Hall says that if you wake at night
with heavy feeling about the pit Of the
stomach, you should turn on the gas and ii
will become light Immediately. Easy to try.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

A man said to a sailor who had led a hard
life on the water, Bill, o (w,) listen, 1t suJS
you right, but be not tide down to it hereat.
ter; sea it in my light, and o, shun ocean 1t
forever" 90" said Bill, " aodUe the subject"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

What is the principal difference between
the swallow and the cat? 1t is an admitted
fact that lone swallow does not make sum
mer," but ono cat can make spring
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

A grumbling Car driver said to passen
ger: "You always want me to stop whes
you get off. "No, sir" said the passenger
who had no Jumping notions, :" don't care
what you do. only want the car to stop
You can 90 on"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

The Philadelphia Bulletin accounts for
squeaking Sunday boots by saying, 1T is
because their soles haven't been aisled for a
week"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

Not always identical-men OF property ano
men of probity.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

The iron horse has but one car-the en-
gineer.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

A soap dealer doubts if a lye can be made
out of any whole cloth.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

The man who popped the question by star.
light got his sweethear's consent in a twink
ling.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

Short of change-the man with but one
shirt
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03
BUDGET OF FUN.

Mocking blrds-lcan chickens for dinner.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

Why should man always wear a watch
when he travels In waterless desertg BE.
cause every watch has spring in it.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03
The Imported C!ydesdale Stallion
DONALD DINNIE
Thcp operty OF
Geo. Murray, Esq, Racine, Wis.

LnNALD DINNIE It beautiful d,ppled dark bay horse
will white feet, star in his iarP aud snp his
wears old stinS II hands high, weighs 2AD
rntytW hundred ana sixty lbs immense substance
upact form. with legs Of immense Hat bone has superior
acuOn and unrivNled style. Donald Dnnle sired by
thai Federated horse Young .CampSie lie by Campsie,
dam by WONDER Young Camp-ie while the property OF
David Riddle. ESQ klilbDwe gained the following prizes
First - the Highland SOtiey's Show. NJ Ecn first two
N> in succession Al Glasgow first vt Perth, Fife and
khlos Ass, Citations and Others too numerous mention.
u u,d bnnie gained the following prizes In land first
unirr line In 10! first and silver medal Sterling
$ ard that season FUSED by sueh creb ated breed.
o. Lord Dunmyr" and Sir WIN. Stirling Maxwell,
k,ir. Was imported aame tail b. Simon Beattc, Esq ,
Toronto, md shown seven times against the hest horses In
tAnaN, taking rr.t evcy me-ampng the rcst. first and
sweeps ake1 NJ Markham first and silver At Eglngton
HSt and diplOml best hOrr The grounds, Proyn-
Cia London. and sine, tie property OF Mr. Murray, has
failed Ike the highest hOnOr> wherever shown.
In 1874, the first II ~" NScOns. state Fair and fret
state Fair, and sweepstakes beat Trat horre Of any age
OF his colts From there h. the ILLINOIS state Fair
and shown in ring o siN entries the best
draft In the country, again taking rs In m class also
sweepstakes f colts have Invariably taken st State
and County Fairs wherever shown.
From the ahCve II wilt be that his show yard per
fOrmances nave been unparalleled series
that IN point 81 breeding we'll a individually. he stands
unrivAllei on he Cuniiuc.t II America.
Terms - n>urrp when the mare + ascertain.
ed TO he with ou tool pa.tur = 10 from dis-
lance, at reasonable Escape and accidents ut
er'> risk. M. IHOM.
May IL. II,
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

A shoemaker Is a member Of the solar sys
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

A strong sign of spring-garicky butter.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

Every family can now have small seen
tennial home. Onions are rlpening.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-06-03

DLAYING CARDS, CRIBBAGE
! BOARDS. &C. AZ OSHdN q HiPEHASS
National Republican., 1876-10-04

The exodus of Democratic soldiers, q
Boys who seore the blue" from this city
and Baltimore, to attend the bogus soldier
convention at Indianapolis was small in
numbers, was smaller than the Democratic
managers anticipated, in view of the fact
that they offered free railroad transportation
TO anybody and everybody who would go
and do their bidding; but what the crowd
lacked in quantity it made up in vicious
ability to do dirty and criminal campaign
work. A more brazen attempt to prostitute
the purity of the ballot box than this effort
to introduce foreign repeaters into one of
the greatest States of the Union on the
eve of an important election was never
heard of before. Free passes, free food,
free drinks, free lodging and, in short a
free spree is thus offered by Tilden & Co.
to the very worst elements of the voting
population of dislnterested and remote
localities. But the Democracy is compelled
to resort to such disreputable tactics to
sustain q waning cause.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

A BALANCE of Ss2475 due on a bill
for furniture contracted by the Hon. q
Samuel ]. Tilden with the firm of Potter
& Stymus, of New York city, in 1s6+'5,
is being hawked about the streets of
Gotham, for sale to the highest bidder.
The original bill amounted to 81, 352. .O6, a
sum sufficient to keep Blue Jeans Williams
in unmentionables for his whole lifetime
This item of itself is sufficient to shock the
sensibiliues of the economical Changers of
Indiana, but what will they think when
they understand that the bill was contracted
simply for repairs, and not for the pur-
pose of newly furnishing the palatial man
sion on Gramercy square, in which this
plundering nabob resides. Most assuredly
Tilden, who perjured bImsef in making
his income return, who violated the laws
of his country and plundered the Michigan
miners by the issue of worthless shinplas-
teIs, and who now stands accused of swim
ding homes. artisans out of their Just dues,
is a model Democratic reformer!
National Republican., 1876-10-04

Mr.. HENRY 81. SMITH, clerk to the..Com-
mittee on War Claims in the Forty second
and Forty-third Congresses and Journal
Clerk of the present House, has rushed
voluntarily to the defense of the Democ-
racy against the charge that an enormous
amount of Southern claims are pending
consideration during the present Congress.
He retorts by saying that the majority of
them are old bills reintroduced from the
Forty. third Congress. This is decidedly
transparent. If the bills had been based
upon good and substantial Claims they
would have been passed by the last Con
gress, and the rctort does not remove the
fear that, SO far as the House can accom-
plish it, they may become laws at the next
session. 1t is we'll to remember that these
claims are still pending before body noted
for its decided friendship for the South and
Southern rebels.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

THE tightening lines of defeat which en-
velope Tilden, the railroad -wrecker and tax
grabber, have made him desperate. He
has abandoned all hope of carrying Ohio
next Tuesday, and is bending all his uu-
scrupulous energies to secure victory for
Blue Jeans Williams in Indiana. The
prospects, however, are not decidedly en-
couraging to him, although the State is to
be oyerrun with expert repeaters from the
great cities of the Atlantic coast, as well as
the neighborlug State CT Kentucky. Afew
more days will tell the tale, and meanwhile
the old celibate whistles to keep his cour-
age up. In the natural course of things he
may be expected in day or two to reiterate
his pompous assertion that the people want
reform and they are certainly going to find
II in him
National Republican., 1876-10-04

"BoB" INGERsoLL's alleged infdelism
has developed an extraordinary and un-
looked-for amount of piety in the Demo
cratic party. 1t is evident that he is doing
double duty. First, he is making Repub-
ican votes, and second, he is making Dem
ocratic editors and speakers turn to the
catechisms and Bibles they have forgotten
since they left their mothers knees 1. g.,
if it is not too violent q presumption to
suppose that the mother of a Democrat
ever taught the catechism or Bible to her
hnv
National Republican., 1876-10-04

THAT respectable % old fossil. Charles
Francis Adams Democratic candidate for
Governor of Massachusetts, who has up to
this time failed to recognize his nominating
constituency by its proper name, is trying
to make capital with the foreign voters by
denounclng his opponent, Gov. Rice, as a
Know Nothing. Thereupon it is charged
that he was party to the execution, as
criminals of the Fenians at Manchester,
several years ago. Evidently Mr.. Adams,
partisan nominee, who does not recognize
the party that nominated him, is not sail
ing in smooth waters. Like other Oppo-
sition candidates his charges against the
Republicans prove to be boomerangs.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

WE DEVOTE a considerable space this
morning to extracts from recent speech
by the Attorney General in Cincinnati,
showing the necessity of interference by
the Federal Government to protect the
lives of Republican citizens in the South
1t is calm, logical and we'll considered ar
gument, and will amply repay perusal. 1t
shows conclusively why the protection of
the negro in the exercise Of his franchise
in the South is the paramount issue in this
campaign, and why it is necessary to the
prosperity Of the nation and the existence
of free government. Let everybody read it
National Republican., 1876-10-04

AT THE New York and st. Louis Demo
cratic conventions Hancock was q csndi-
date for the Presidential nomination. OF
course the Democracy snubbed him. He
was the executioner of Mrs. Surrstt and
still wore the blue. This was sufficient
Notwithstanding these rebufs, however,
this recreant soldier still haunts the Demo
cratic camp hsnger-on around the camp
fires, and gives aid and countensnce to the
miscreants who have so repeatedly insulted
him and the loyal members of his profes-
sion
National Republican., 1876-10-04
A UNITED SECRET DEMOCRATIC
CIRCULAR.

A recent circular distributed among the
discreet friends of the Democracy at the
South gives the probabilities of the can
vass as seen by Democratic eyes. 1t as
sumes that united South must be secured
States will give 1873 for Tilden. They ex-
pect also the electoral votes of California,
Nevada, Oregon, Connecticut, New Jersey
and New York, which will add to the
above number 62 votes, making 200 for
Tilden and Hendricks, or Is more than are
needed. They think their chances for sue
cess in Ohio and Indiana at least equal to
those of the Republicans. But there must
be no means left untried to secure ths votes
National Republican., 1876-10-04

THE Democratic policy of reducing
appropriations without corresponding re-
duction of taxes to assimilate the revenues
to them is resulting to increase the cash in
the Treasury. This, of course, involves q
contraction of the circulation to a like
amount. All this has been brought about
by the party which has been loudest in its
denunciation of a contraction of the cur
National Republican., 1876-10-04

THE total amount of shinplasters issued
by Tilden & Co. among the miners of the
upper peninsula of Michigan was $5,252.
GAO. This issue was in direct violation Of
Law. 1t had no basis of bonds or coin, and
was in the similitude of currency, and when
the poor miners to whom it was paid de-
sired to visit any locality remote from the
place of issue, they were compelled to sub
nit to shave on their hard earned shin
Masters at the bank of one Peter White,
National Republican., 1876-10-04

SAMUEL JONES TILDEN. the Democratic
candidate ior President whose infa nous
record stinks in the nostrilS of respectable
men, and whose reward should be q fur
ther close intimacy with mis- Dear Friend, y
Boss Tweed, when tine latter gets his just
deserts. Will the American people dis
grace themselves and debase the institu-
tions of which they are SO justly proud by
electing him to the chair filled by Wash
ington, Lincnln and Grant?
National Republican., 1876-10-04

Poor Joe Hooker! He is on the retired
list, and is privileged to do something fol
amusement's sake. But that shell at Chan,
celloIsTille did HOt shock him more than he
will be shocked in due time if he should
live long enough to fully appreciate the dis
grace he has incurred by lending his inau-
ence to the Indianapolis convention OF
bogus "Boys who aDore the Blue"
National Republican., 1876-10-04

IT Is REPORTED that the Greenbackers,
the Cooper and CaryIuen, in Indiana will
vote for Harrison next Tuesday, because
they fear Democratic success this month
would strengthen the hard-money Democ-
racy in November. The logic of this is
not exactly apparent; but, then, what have
the Greenbackers to do vi logic?
National Republican., 1876-10-04

who, be it known, was Tilden's partner
and co-director in one of the mining COM
panies of that section. Venly, this modern
Democratic reformer is the friend of the
laboring man, not to say an earnest believer
in hard money.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

HANCOCK has got the Presidency ''on the
brain" To reach the goal of his ambition
he has sacrificed everything, even his honor
and fame as a soldier, by becoming the as,
sociate and co-laborer of pot-house politi-
clans, ballot box suffers and low lived row.
dies, who do the bidding of such Copper
heads as Tilden and Hendricks.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

THE new American Mining Board came
into existence in New York last Monday.
AS it is composed of respectable gentlemen,
Samuel ]. Tilden, although a great mine
owner, did not participate in the proceed
ings, simply because in mining as in every,
thing else he is 8 swindler.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

THE Republicans of Wisconsin are being
aroused from the letbargy which hiss hither-
to possessed them during the present cam,
paign. They will not be caught digging
potatoes" next election day. The Badger
State is good for an old-fashioned majority
for HAYES and Wheeler next November.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

T1DEN and his associates in the Lake
Superior mining companies owe the Gov
eminent in the neighborhood of million
of dollars internal revenue tax, chargeable
to them on account of their issue of spuri-
Gus shinplasters, with which they paid the
miners in their employ.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

The indications are that Connecticut will
not join that solid South in support of
Tilden. The municipal elections show
Republican gains and indicate large Re-
publican majority in the State at large next
Novemher
National Republican., 1876-10-04

THE OLD Second Army Corps and the
Veteran Corps blush for Hancock to-day.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

TTLDEN, the rlch man who wouldn't
subscribe to the sanitary fund.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

TILDEN, the man who relies on Sinnott
Marule and Bigelow to make his defense
National Republican., 1876-10-04

l. BOOK out of coat in barber shop opposite Will
lard's at 430 October will return pooketbook
and papers TO this office he is welcome to the money
National Republican., 1876-10-04

TILDEN, the man wEo rejolces at White
Line and Ku-Kiux massacres in the South.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

TILDEN. the reckless driver who i'm
perils the lives of men and women.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

TnDEN, the man who courts the sup
PORT of gamblers and blacklegs.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

TILDEN, the author OF the Democrats
peace resolutions in 1864.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

TILDEE, the man who bought up the
ST. Louis convention.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

TnDEN, the man who makes denialc
through third party.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

TILDEN, the Tsmmany saint and the
anti -Tammany idol.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

sep12-1m Real Estate Agent, us Fifteenth street.
HOUSES AND FARMS FOR SALE.-SEy.
IL eral two-story HOUSES and COTTAGES -.
monthly payments. Valuable Building LOTS
on easy terms. Also, FARMS in the District, -
Maryland and Virginia for Sale or exchange. -
APPLETON P. CLARK,
nh15-WFMu 708 street northwest.
National Republican., 1876-10-04
FOR SALE.

[.oNNScscSo-cSoSc c1cScSco-c cSo~CCSo.SZ.CS
sel2-2w Real Estate Agent us Fifteenth Street. :
# r S-A LIE. - r-
and commission goods at great bargains. Every
ARTICLES fully warranted:
DIAMONDS, solitaire and in cluster.
WATCHES, In solid gold or silver cases, Amer
CHAINS, solid Il, IA and 1s-karat gold.
RINGS, the best assortment in tle city.
FS III solid gold or filled, >very size.
STUDS, every Find, solid 4 and ls-karat gold.
CRossEs. solid sold and sifRS Roman gold filed.
LOCkETs, lady's or genteman's, of rich de-
PINS. every kind, new and secondhand.
EARRINGS, to match the pins or separate.
BRQNzEs, very fine, some very rare.
SILVER or silytr-plaIed ware.
and II gauge, new and secondhand.
REv0LxERS, from p . 70 sl5, all kinds.
CUTLERY, pocket. knives and razors.
CANES, gold-headed and few others.
to 10 f sven K Re eT the
similar goods to insure ready sale. Call and ex-
anime before pIschess1f =. G0fpsTETs f,ssThsIe & CO.,
..o7-, JOAN AND COMMISSION BRQKERs;
TOR sALE-sEVERAL THREE-STORY
- Brick Dwellings on q and Corcoran streets,
rooms each; modern Improvements and in complete
order. Terms moderate; cash payment; balance in
RfSTs Cos!s BasR or to tapI.ys9 MMYERGs' ESGs' at
sepl2-1m Real Estate agent, us Fifteenth street.
EoR sALE-THREE HUNDRED ACRES
Rocks Road, located at or near Forrest Glen Sta
OF Thus. j. ns BRoWN, s51 % %heaton 2: O., Ma Mfu'fs
Also, very cheap, one Lot Of S6 acres. au2-6w
National Republican., 1876-10-04

TLDEN, the almoner Of Tweed's politi
cal contributions.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

TuDEN, the man who trembles at
TWeed's return.
National Republican., 1876-10-04

TrLDEN, the sympathizer with the Ham
burg assassins.