Marshall County Republican. (Plymouth, Ind.) 1856-1878, 1876-07-13
Our Adam Discovers '.Certifled Truths"
to be Stranger than Fiction.

At this season of the year it is customary
for newspapers to furnish items Of agricul-
tural interest to their readers. We have
noticed lately that great deal of the liter
AZURE issued from the newspaper offices of
the country, comprises fields and fields Ofin-
teresting certificates, from all kinds of peo-
pie and from localities We would not have
supposed to be in existence, but for these
assurances. 1t is also noticeable that these
certificates vary in their ideas, but all unite
i'm the unanimous verdict that each agricul-
tural implement he or they happen to be
possessed of, caps the climax for superior
ity over any other machine that was or
ever will be invented.
BY careful reading of an average of
nine miles of certificates month, and be-
lieving them, we have acquired an amazing
fund of valuable and interesting informa-
ton. We have been amazed to learn that
heavy machine walked into rye field,
centrally located in remote corner OF the
Badger state, Immediately after heavy
rain storm, and though it appears from the
testimony of several competent witnesses
who were present, that the ground was so
soft that the horses had to swim over the
puddles, this most excellent machine,
we forget the brand, ran right along on the
top of the growing grain, and worked the
whole field up into flour inside of thirty
minutes and did not leave mark in the
ground.
The next case of moral iniquty was
certificate from a retired clergyman.
This eminent r. C. had gone into the gran
ger business. He grew rye. But he never
owned still, other than the grand (cap-
itals) machine of which he speaks as fol-
lows: "My rye field was invaded by cows
cattle, oxen, sheep, calves. etc, and the
grain was beat down into the ground, root
ed up and sunk into burrows, before l
could drive off the invaders. When L had
the field clear wind storm arose and
twisted up the whole field and entangled
it with the rails of the fence, in such a
manner as would prevent snake from
crawling through 1 took my new machine
wound her up, set her at that field and in
forty-two seconds, water time, the rip-snor-
ter had gone over the ground twice, never
missed straw, thrashed the grain and
left the field clean. In fact it looked as IL
the business had been done with a jack
plane and il required the strength of nine
men to keep that machine from going into
town to get the material prior to giving my
rye field a coat of varnish"
This exploit of T. c.'s machine is only
equalled by a combined reaper, mower,
double stitch, back action. weed plow at
tachment, self rocker. best two in three,
catch coupling, leather hose, ri-tri-duplex,
etc, etc, etc, which according to the ceriifi-
cate of the head nurse at mnatic asylum,
and eight doctors, and only one lawyer,
Ono editors, once upon a time, started in
the spring, s0wed field of grain, turned
into a hot bed, grew and cultivated the
crop, and when ready for reaping, ran it
over the field, cut the grain, stacked,
and ground it, plOwed and re-sow-
ed the field, then went into the house, did
the churning, MIXED the cows, fed the cat
tie, rocked the cradle, washed and put the
children to bed and retired for the night,
after reading a chapter in the Bible to the
congregated members of the family
But this is enough. II isn't advisable to
confine ones newspaper reading exclusive
ly to certificates. It's too exciting and it
makes one wish he were dead. ''-LaP0rte
Chronicle.