The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1876-11-11
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
A Yankee journalist has offered a reward of
$1,000 for n tale that will make his hair stand on
end. Before ambitious authors enter the field as
competitors, it may be as well to understand that
the generous journalist is perfectly bald
A Georgia man, who was under examination
recently to demonstrate his fitness for serving
judge to look upon the prisoner. He did 30, and
said, '' Yes, judge, | think he's guilty. He
was excused from serving.
When youth takes his first draught of whis-
key straight, and doesn't feel as if his eyes were
changed into watering pots his destiny, in the
language Of the poet, +" is not, - and though you
ring H The Drunkard's Warning at him from a.
that he will take another drink with the first
man who asks him.
Paris paper: A man borrows 800 francs of
FRIEND for which he signs eight notes for 100
francs each, payable monthly. The first falls due
and is protested. :. This is rather promising for
will be protested lIkewise,' calmly replies
the debtor. " Then why on earth did you sign
the notes?' 81 So that the shock would not be
so great to you. You will only lose hundred
francs at a time this way
Long Branch letter: A widow of my acquaint-
ance at the Ocean was emphatic on the horrible
figure that the loveliest woman must cut while
bathing. / remarked that the Queen of Love
and Beauty was fabled to have sprung from the
foam of the sea, and that she must have been
1 should look charming-'' Here her speech
came to a sudden halt and observing roses bloom
ing all over her face, said, 81 have no doubt of
it" and walked away.
AN UNREASONABLE REQUEsT.-Mrs. Scroggins
Well, Betsey, and how be you this day?
Mrs. Jones-Bad, Martha; very, very bad.
I'm a-goin' Martha-a-goin' to the other land!
Mrs Scroggins-Well, Betsey, if it's true and
yer must go, you'll see my Emery up there; tell
i'm keeps mangle, and t. childer is well,
and
Mrs. Jones (peeVishly)-Nay, nay, Maria, yer
can't expect as L can 60 awanderin' aboot the
clouds a-lookin' for your Emery, Wi my bad
leg London Fun.
Harry (whose papa has just gone to the school
for yeomanry officers at Aldershot)-' Mamma
what will papa learn ut this school?'' Mamma
80 lie will be taught how to command troop
and a great many things you could not under
.stand but there is one thing they teach Harry
(impressively) which very much wish L could
teach you-to do exactly as you are told" Har-
~ (refectiyely)-' Papa won't mind that much;
he always has to do it at home" Harry can't
think why mamma is so cross all day; wonders,
privately, if she will have to go to school next
(strictly private) hopes so.-Jifdy.
Chicago Tribune Two young women met yes
terday. They had not seen each other for two
months. The following conversation ensued
" Been to Long Branch: Where were youf''
sc To Saratoga. Any ofers?'' 90 Yes, nine; two
of them counts. You have anyP' 90 Thirteen.
One was an earl" And that girl who had been
to Long branch went home and shed bitter tears
of yexation, though the fact of the matter was
that they had neither of them had any offers at
oil, and both knew it. She has taken solemn
oath that another time she will let the other girl
speak first, and raise her out of her boots, if she
has to invent Russian prince to do it.
They had wedding in West Virginia the
other day, at which large crowd was present,
and everything went off nicely, including bride
and bridegroom, who took the train for Baltimore
on q tour as soon the cake had been passed
around. The mother of the bride was observed
shedding tears very freely, and wishing to con-
sole her, one of the guests approached, and re-
marked
sOh, [ wouldn't feel bad over it, Mrs..
1 think Jennie married good man.
"Yes, J. guess SO" replied the mother wiping
each side Of her nose on her hand, {" but she is
high-tempered, and they'll soon have q row, and
L never thought to put that old harness straps in
her trunk, and tell her to hit him with the end
that's got the buckle on it ~
LOCKED AND BoLTED.-He got home about two
o'clock q. m from looking at the Centennial
through glass. He was very careful to make
no noise, and especially particular to lock and
bolt the front door, as she was first up in the
morning, and being timid, was sure to look at
the fastenings. At breakfast she said to him,
Drunk again, last night! - 90 Drunk ?'' he
calculated, with well-assumed amazement. 90
didn't know but that you were. 1 noticed the
front door was OPEN "Open!" he again
calculated, this time with genuine astonishment,
but still with confidence, '' L don't see how that
can be, for both locked and bolted it." SO Yes,'
said she dreamily, sit was both locked and
bolted, but about six inches open" The
happy man groaned.-Danbiry Netcs.
August Belmont had, and has believe, for
private secretary a young man who gave him
offence by writing letter differently from what
that eminent banker had directed. Belmont
looked it over and blurted out " D-n you, I've
told you dozen times how to do this, and you've
done it wrong again.
The secretary rose with dignity and said, =" Mr..
Belmont you must not swear at me. do not
get salary enough to do work faithfully and be
sworn at besides
How much do you get? ?'' inquired the finan-
cier.
81, 500 year"
80 How much do you want?
Including being sworn at?''
Yes, including everything"
So 900 at least
81 Draw So 600 hereafter, d-n you, and copy
nv letters exactly as direct - which shows me
that some men are willing to pay for luxures.
Itmay be said of Belmont, in scriptural phrase,
that curses clothe him like garments, for he has
10 oC g,yaor;p1 Ne,u Y0yls Letter