St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1876-12-22
Smiler's Health-Lift.

Ihey are III the midst of Il big law
suit III ii neighboring village between
DIR. Smiler and the rest of the popula-
ton OF the town. The Doctor, it seems
had large tank placed on the top OF
his house, from which to supply his
bath room. aud so forth. with water
he water had to he pumped up about
fifty feet from the ciStern in the ward.
and the Doctor found it to be Il pretty
good-sized job, which would cause him
constant expense. SO after thinking
the matter over carefully, one day an
idea struck him. He built room over
the cistern and put the word "Sanitari-
um' over the door. Then he concealed
the pump machinery beneath the floor
and he rigged up kind of complicated
apparatus with handles and hinges and
Il crank, so that man standing in the
middle of the machine and pulling up
and down would operate that pump.
Then the Doctor got out circulars and
published advertisements about "Smil-
er's Healtl-Lift," and he secured testi-
monials from thousand or so people
that the Health-Lift was the only hope
for the physical salvation of the human
'd"o. Pretty soon people began to call
+" see 1t, and Smiler would rush them
out to the 'Sanitarium" and set them to
Jerking the handles And when Gus
toner had pumped up fifty gallons or
81. Smiler would charge him ii quarter.
and tell him that three months of that
kind of Il thing would give him mus
cles like il prize fighter.
And he would push the project among
his patients. IT man WAS bilious. or
had the toothache, OF was afflicted with
rheumatism. or Group. or measles. or
yellow fever, or cholera morhus, Smiler
would put him in at the Health-Lift, ,
and get quarter each time. The thing
became so popular that he had to en-
large his tank and put in smaller
pump; and he not only got all his
pumping done foI nothing. but the peo-
pie who did it. paid him about fifteen
bundled dollars Il wear for the privilege.
1t began to look like an uncommonlv
soft thing, and every body was content
ed and happy.
One day, however, old Mr.. Maginnis,
who had practiced at the Hralth-Lift
every day for months in order to cure
himself OF indigestion, jammed the han
dies down il little too hard, and broke
the board upon which he was standing
As the board gave WAY it plunged Mr..
Maginnis into the cistern. and Just as
he was sinking for the third time, Smil-
er iished him ont with il crooked nail
III the end of ii clothes prop. As soon
as the water was drained out of him,
Maginns said:
Il didn't know you had Il cistern un-
der that floor. What did you do that
for ?"
why, to keep the air moist. It's
healthier than dry air
at looked to me as if there was some
kind of IL pump there"
''Oh no." said Smiler, .those are only
the levers of tbs Lift"
Mighty queer" said Maginnis
thoughtfully. .'lf that isn't il pump,
then don't know one when see it."
So Il few days later. Maginnis came
around with ii lot of other patients and
found the Doctor out. They determin-
ed to investigate. They pulled up ii
oo"pie of boards and ascetained the
facts about that pump. Then they
cross-examined Smiler's servant girl,
ana learned the truth, and then they
went home mad. A consultation was
held, at which every bilious and Iheu-
matte individual who had been working
the Doctors pump used violent Ian
guage. and talked about murder and
sudden death. Finally they resolved
to prosecute Smiler for damages and
FOR obtaining money under false pre-
lenses. 1t is thought 10y good Judges
that 10y the time the court gets through
with Smiler, that will be about the un-
healthlest Lift for him he was ever in
terested in.-Philadelphia Bulletin.