The Middlebury register. [volume] (Middlebury, Vt.) 1850-1882, 1876-09-23
Misapplied Science.


About a week ago the New York Led
ger published the statement that ma,
in New Hampshire, who had been unabl,
to speak for five years, went to sleep on,
night, with quid ofiobacco in his mouth
and awokc tho next morning with hi
mouth smooth and steady. Old Mr.
Jarvis who lives on Pond street, is sorcl,
afflicted with an impcdiment in his spcoci
and often says he would give hundred
dollars If he could only "t.t.t-taw talk
f.Ef-f fast enough tt to TIT tell a gug
gug.gug. grocer what he Wv wants bub
bub. bub.betorc he gug.gug gets it meas
urcd out"
He takes the Lcdger, and has taken il
for twenty three years, and he firmly be.
lives verything he reads in it, Sylvanu:
Cobbs stories Mr.. Bcechcr' 8 sermons, Mr.
Partons Lives OF Eminent Americans, the
answers to correspondence-Mr. Jarvis
had taken them all in and belivod every
word lie thought that probably the
quld.of-tobacoo treatment might help bis
voice little, and he resolved to give it q
good trial anyhow.
The first trouble was that he didn't
chew, and Mrs. Jarvis would never oil.
low a bit Of tobacco about tho house.
But he begged big "chaw" of navy and
when he went to bed he tucked it snugly
away in bis check, and prepared to sleep
IN hope. lie had his misgivings, and
they grew in number and strength as the
quid began to assert itself, and be socia-
bic, and assimiato itself with its sur.
roundings. Mrs. Jarvis asked him if he
fastened the front gate.
"Um,' said Mr.. Jarvis, meaning that
he had
"Arc you sure you locked the front
2" qucricd his restless spouse.
"Um," replied Mr.. Jarvis meaning
that he had not, for he was by this time
in no condition to open his mouth.
Hey ?" she demanded.
"Um,' persisted Mr. Jarvis.
What ?' she demanded.
"Um.m'm !" protested Mr.. Jarvis.
"Wcll," she said. you can't make mo
believe that you are that near asleep this
soon"
"Um.m.m said Mr.. Jarvis, meaning
that he would get up and bounce her out
Of that front door if she didn't hold her
clack
Presently she sat up ia bed. Sniff,
snitl =! "John Jarvis" she exclaimed "if
| don't smell tobacco in this house, | am
sinful woman. Don't you smell it?"
"Um," replied Jarvis which by inter.
probation is,,hat he didn't smell anything
and was going to sleep.
"lts in this very room," she persisted
czcitclly.
"Um," said Mr. Jarvis, meaning she
must be crazy.
Its under the bed ~ she screamed,
There's a burglar under tho bed Oh,
help; fire police John Jarvis" and
she smotc Mr.. Jarvis furious pelt in
the stomach to wake him up.
1t was q terrific thump and its first cf.
feet was TO knock all the atmosphere out
of Mr.. Jarvis lungs SO far that ho could
only recover his breath by violent gasp
which first carried the quid Of tobacco
and all the nicotine preparation that it
had been steadily distilling down his
throat, and was Immediately succeeded
by tremendous cough, as he Struggled
to rise up in bed, which shot the quid
squarcly into the eye of the shrioking
Mrs. Jarvis.
Murder murder !" she screamed,
I'm stabbed I'm stabbed"
And John Jarvis choked and coughed
aud spit and coughcl and chokcd and
clutched Mrs. Jarvis 10y the throat and
tried to choke off her noise, but he grew
so i'll that he couldn't hold his grip, and
Mrs. Jarvis, the molncnt her throat was
released from his trembling pressure, rose
from the half strangled gurgles to the
snblimity oil doublc-edged screams, and
made Rome howl with melody. And
the neighb3 3rs broke into the house and
found bedroom that looked and smclled
like jury room or n street car, with the
sickcst man they ever saw lying with his
head over the side of the bed, groaning
at the rate Of a mile minute, and the
worst frightened woman since the flood,
sitting up beside him, screaming faster
than he groancd, while one of her eyes
was plastcrcd up with black quid of to-.
bacco. And that is the way Nj. Jarvis
came to stop his Lcdycr, and denounces
it as the most Infamous, mendacious, pes.
tilcnt sheet that ever disgraccd American
journalism.