, 1876-12-24
HUk0R.

| Chemists have discovered that purp yell
color can be made from the bark Of dogwood.
| The pensivo mule is not usually regarded as
susceptible to pathetic emotions. And yet he
occasionally drops a mule-teer.
| "He's filling his last cavity" mournfully said
q young dentist, as they lowered the coffin Of
| his deceased partner into the grave
First Citizen-"A And you, too, arc for war4"
Second Cit.-''Not bit Of it. My brave substt-
| tutc suffered too much in the last opc.''
shoc-dealcr: IT find ne have no No. u
shoes; but here Is q pair Of large 9s.'' Gus
toner: Mines! Do you take me for Gin
derillcra'
A Philadelphia shoe-merchant wrote to bis
wife that lie had become convert to cremation,
and she said: "Go ahead; have your ashes re-
turned e. o. D. to mc.''
| A ALondoner, having read In Boston paper an
advertisement headed American Steam Safe
! Company" remarked that he WIS glad If the
Americans had made steam safe company.
Detroit Free Press: Between starting out to
| find the North Pole or going to lunatic asy-
| 1um, the man who selects the latter route will
have more friends and keep his feet warmer.
It wasn't bad hit, the other day, when some
one said, "1n 177o we went to war on account
of the Stamp act, and got the niger, in 1861
We went to war about the nlgger, and got the
Stamp act.''
| A visitor at Philadelphia, being asked wheth-
| er he preferred pictures to statuary, said he
preferred the latter. HIS "you kin go all
round the statoos,, but you can't see only one
side Of tho picters."
Norrfstown Herall: "Why was very sick
Arctic expedition" This is an easy one. "Be-
cause lie tailed to reach the poll" II thtsis not
| the right answer, 1t is as Mares we can come to
it.
/ Two gallons OF whisky were consumed By
colorcd man before he fully recovered from the
bite OF tarantula. It was then discovered that
he had been stung by wasp. The men who
contributed the whisky were too mad to speak
above whisper.
| A locomotive engineer, who had just been dis
! charged for some cause, gave vent to his spite
| By saying that it about time he left the COM
pany anyhow, for the sake Of his life, for "there
was nothing left Of the track but two streaks Of
| rust and the right Of way"
| Atlanta ton<titntio,,: The climate Of South
| Georgia Is as mild as that Of Italy. The only
| change OF apparel that the editors in that SEE
| tion make when winter comes Is to pin a pod OF
| red pepper to the lapel Of their summer coats,
| and even this is oppressive.
Brown, senior" Well, Fred, what did you see
! during your trip abroad2' Brown, junior
| saw, 'pon M word, don't know what I saw
'xactly; only know did more BY three couu-
| tries, eight towns, and four mountains than
NA44lA ia tAG oEAu0 tAk44C~
The bulldoze cocktail has just made its ap-
pearance at the fashionable bars You must tilt
about teaspoonful Of water into the glass and
Immediately ntimit1ate it with as much whisky
as the glass will hold. Then when the count IS
mnde, throw the water out.-BuTdefte
Burlington Hawk<us: Messrs. Sitting Bull and
Old-man-kickcd-Dy-h y-hfs-nule have got into q
bitter quarrel over the division Of the seasons
scalps, aud Mr.. B. has written to Bishop Whip
pic to meet him alone ON Christmas Eve $50
miles west Of Fort Fctterman, and see fair
count
Norristown Herald: Fourteen euspiciouslook-
Ing individuals witt carpet-bags were seen
day morning. They were. subsequently
arrested and examined, and in the carpct-bag OF
each was found an entirely new plan for clecting
Presidents, and no two plans were alike
New Orleans BuN<tin:: A yerdant youth
who had Just lost his hoarilmoney at faro re-
ceived dispatch from his father, who was anx-
ious about the election. It ran thus: Dear
Ned, how has it goneW The soft youth, who
thought the old man had heard about his los
ings, responded: "Dad, it all went at faro.",o
There was man who had . clock
His name WIS Matthew Mears-
He wound it regular every night
For nearly twenty years.
At last his precious time piece proved
An eight day clock 10 be.
And 1nalder man than Mr. MeatB
You would not wish to see.
Worcester Press: In the midst OF these har-
rowing uncertainties to the result OF the
Presidential contest, the newspaper parasgraphist
complaceutly returns to his mutton and pro-
new joke on the basis Of q mules hind leg. The
recuperativc energies Of the Republic are some
thing wonderful.
4 iuryman was summoned at County
'CourI. After replying satisfactorily to the
several questions propounded by the solicitor,
| manued to look upon the prisoner. After scan
| Mug the man closely, the unprejndiced juror
| turned to the Judge, and In a firm, solemn
voice, he said, Yes, think he's guilty."
Rome Sentinel: When man has made a.slip
at the top Of flight Of stairs, aud is carefully
slides down to the hall below, it is no time TO
| ask bis opinion about the Louisiana Returning
| Board He cares nothing what the end Of ma
tional affairs may be, so long as bis soul IS filled
with anxiety lest his own emu shall be marked
by contusfons.
Calino and friend are congratu1ating each
other They have both been married that day,
! Of Of bis chosen one. s'just think" quoth the
friend, when my wife und9es her ehismon + the
ends Gf her hair c,5fsn touch nsT aaSs' WINS
| when mine undocs her hair the whole of It falls
| right down to the ground"
Some years ago, when 'going West was
more Of an undertaking than at present, young
maa was leaving his home in Vermont for Hi
| nois. The familywere gathered to say farewell,
and not without tears. The grandfather took
the young man by the hand and said: Now,
John, remember the Sabbath-Day to keep it
holy; and look out for rattlesnakes and be care
ful that nobody steals your Watch.'
This from that most aristocratic OF all English
serials, the London Court-Jourudl: By an order
Of the Lords of the Admiralty, the Admiral
~ ha nnuc,,rorf nret-tarf1 Ina