The Valley Virginian. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1865-1895, 1876-05-18

BOYS, LOOK QUITTING OOuIcl, aC us last
meeting, passed an ordinance prohibiting
trcspassing on the cty's grounds at the wa
ter works. Hitherto, it has been the practice
of bad little boys to stray from the straight
and narrow path which leadcth to the Sunda y
School, and repair with great unanimity to
the outrageous frcscades adjacent to the en-
CINE house, and whilst converting promising
young shade trees into unmusical whistles,
dwell with rapture on Mr.. Munro's last addi-
ton to the bloody literature of the far west ;
dens, land prepare to execute such other delight
full suggestions as the beauty of the surrounding
scenery might inspire. How many now de-
funct cats have received their death sentence
at that Sabbath assembly s.; how many sponso-
rial VOWS have been violated; how many
household angels been iorcibly reminded of
their final dissolution from exercising undue
familiarity with the nauseating end of cigar !;
how many instructions against the peace and
dignity of pater .fam,has, have been mapped
out, the statistics of the Revenuesoficer will
never show. But now, all of this innocent
consecrated to the promotion of the true. the
beautiful and good in the careers of small boys,
will know their frequenters no more.
Divers expedients have been resorted to by
the Council to dsintegrate this little band Of
consprators, but the moral grandeur of the
cause they espoused, and the philanthropic
motives which actuated them, afforded an i'm
penetrabe armor against the insiduous as
saults of the City Fathers. First, the Council
ordered wide and deep well to be sunk, from
which it was confidently believed, the drip
ping and lifeless form of at least one of the
unfortunates would be regularly extricated
every Monday morning. But the boys discov-
cred that nothing could be nicer than rolling
large stones into the receptacle, and very
properly returned a vote of thanks to the
City Fathers for their forethought and kind
ness, in thus providing legitimate Sunday
amusement. Nothing was ever said Of four OF
five of their number sinking beneath the ruth
less wave to rise no more, and if such was the
case it was kept very quiet,a the absent ones
were never missed. Next, the Council erect
ed a chimney seventy-five feet high, and pro
vded with ladder n the inside so that the
bad little boy could climb to the top list tc
the chimes of the church bells; gaze on the beau.
ties of the Valley 4; miss his foot hold, and de-
scend to the bottom with an alacrity that
would pulverize everything but the greasy
deck of cards in his little pocket. This was
thought an admirable plan, and the acting
coroner was proceeding to enquire if, i'll the
absence of all other evidence of violent DEATH
the Jack of Spades and two horn buttons
would be a sufficient subject for an inquest,
when the balmy air OF the Sabbath morning
waited the news into the city, that one of the
boys had tested the quality OF the new exter-
minator and found 1t miserable humbug
He had climbed to the top of the chimney
carried out the instructions to the letter, but
the result had been the dislocation of several
rounds of the ladder, and the demolition of a
Sunday School book which, by mistake, he
had carried with him in place of ''Red Knife
the Scaper, or the Terror of the Frontier
Naturally enough, the Council were dis
gusted with the experimental trial OF their new
invention, and to prevent losing all the rounds
OF the ladder, closed up the entrance, and
proceeded to set numerous dead falls in the
vicinity of the premises. Unsuspicous CANNES
were decoyed into these traps, and boys were
doing a handsome business in the hide line.
when the Council, in despair, passed the or.
dinance filming every one caught on the
grounds $40, and appointed Mr.. Efick, spe.
cial policeman. with Instructions to ''grarsp'
every small boy he could lay his hands on,
and ''carst''. him-not into the lake of fire and
birthstone, nor yet into an ''orse pon''-but
into cell of the prison house, there to re-
main until his afflicted parents should pay the
fine and liberate him-which would never
be.
And SO boys, all the fun is over, and it isn't
any use for an enterprising chap to loaf around
here any longer. just pack up your paper
collars, and all of your sisters new cravats
that fall in your way. and strike out for the
Ohio River, never turning your faces home.
ward until another Council is elected, who
can appreciate youthful talent and home in.
dustry.
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