The Leavenworth weekly times. [volume] (Leavenworth, Kan.) 1870-1880, 1876-06-22
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June u, 1876. !
EDITOR TiMES:-A little affair occurred
here the olher day, which Is really too good
10 keep, and have determined to give it
away TO your readers. 50, here folioSeth
a plain. and unyarnizhed tale:
Corporal Michael Rooney il, as general
thing. a man Of excellent sense. On most
subjects his Judgment can he implicitly
relied upon. But when in one OF his softer
moods, he allowed the wife Of his bosom to
talk him into promising to invest a moiety
OF hard earned gains-gains earned by him
at the cannon's mouth, as it were, and by
his wife at the wash-iub-then he simply
furnished one more example of the some
what discouraging fact, that it is in the
mower Of nine women out Of ten TO CANNON
their liege lords into making asses of them
selves. Why Mrs. Rooney should have
deemed the possession OF a ram essential TO
her peace OF mind, must ever remain ali un-
answerable conundrum 10 the average mas
culine mind. Probably, apropos Of Mrs.
Toodle's and the ever memorable door-plate,
she based her conclusions on the lgiori,
reasoning that, should the Corporal ever be
the proud possessor Of a herd OF sheep, then
the ram would come in handy, Without
stopping to argue this interesting question,
il il only necessary TO state that the ram
was duly purchased, and, in spite OF the
most energetic protests ON his part, was in
stalled with great pomp in the back yard.
Had he been a tractable beast, Mrs. Room
ey would have been a happy woman, and
this itself, would never have been written.
But, in point of fact, tractability was not
one OF his virtues; on the contrary, he prov
ed to be a ram of ferocious instincts and
most bloodthirsty turn of mind. On the
morning following his induction rite the
outrageous shade OF the. Rooney
backward he pinned one OF the ju-
venile members of that interesting family
to the fence in the most scientific
manner and butted another into convul-
sions. When Mrs. Il. came out to hang up
the clothes he charged her in the most
savage style, and were il not for the fact
that the good lady was fleet OF foot it would
have been all up with her right then and
there. That very evening Mr.. Ram leaped
the fence and started out in quest of adven-
lures. Strolling meditatively along, doubt
less Eliminating upon all the ills to which
all fesh-and ram flesh in particulars
heir, he reached the neighborhood of the
guard-house just as retreat" was being
sounded. The guard had just turned out
for inspector by the officer Of the day, and
that worthy votary of Mars in full uniform,
was standing in an exceedingly martial and
imposing attitude in front of the guard
house, his back being TO the sidewalk
along which the ram was approaching. At
this point, as ill-luck would have it, the
devil got into the ram, and, with head
down and tail up, he bore down upon the
unsuspecting officer like whirlwind.
Now, the science of war totally fails TO
provide for an emergency Of this character
the tactics are utterly silent on the
subject OF an attack from the
rear by rams. Taken at such disadvantage
the fate Of the unfortunate officer may be
easily imagined; he went down like a
lightning bug in gale Of wind. Having
his foe thus korS du cOmbct, the ram did not
evince the slightest intention OF staying his
hands, or rather his horns. He butted away
with such right good will that the chances
of there being an immediate vacancy in the
Army Register seemed to be about nine in
ten. The guard, paralyzed at first slowly
recovered their senses and made movement
to succor their chief Bot the rams blood
was nov fairly mp, and he felt capable Of
routing the entire Soldiers Home He
charged them in front, in the rear, side
ways, backward, buttinS vigorously the
while, and getting his work in to such ad-
vantage that it really seemed probable that
al. f.I1 L..
rage. Wholly unused TO such novel war
fare, they at last fairly took TO their heels,
and fled ingloriously, leaving their remorss-
less enemy master OF the field.
Bat his triumph was short-lived. As
there was not 4 man in the whole garrison
who appeared willing to put himself within
butting distance Of those cruel horns,
a hurried council of war was held, and it
was determined to demolish this most pug
nacious of rams by coup de sacin. A twenty
four pound gun was run out, loaded with a
double charge OF powder, rammed (this is
not pun,) up to the muzzle, with grape
and canister, old boots, rocks, and every
thing else that was lying around handy,
then the ordnance sergeant took a good long
aim and touched her of.
When the smoke cleared away that ram
was nowhere to be seen. They have been
picking up pieces Of him Tor the past two
days, and a fragmentary portion Of his tail
is still on top of the flagstaff, where it
gently sways, back and forth, in the morn
ing breezes, a terrible reminder of "the
deep damnation Of his taking off"
After the excitement had subsidized, the
officer sent for Corporal
Rooney, and thus gently admonisbed him
Corporal, you are an old soldier, and until
you got married you were sensible man
but if ever know you to bring SO much as
a shred of mutton into this post again I'll
- dam me; sir, I'll disembowel you"
AsCALON.