Middletown transcript., 1876-04-15
Aiihlorolls.

A man is fool to try to beat the sun
in rising It will be sure to rise some
morning when be won't.
II have very little respect for the
ties of this world" as the rogue said
when the rope was put around bis
neck.
1t has been found that in nearly
every civilized country the tree that
bears the most fruit for market is the
axle-tree.
It was observed of deceased lawyer
that he had but few effects; to which a
lady remarked, that che had but few
causes"
A landlord, having let all his houses
but one, was asked if that unlet house
was his last. eyes, last, but not
leased" was his reply.
Curran was once asked by one of his
brother judges: '.Do you see anything
ridiculous in this wig ?" Nothing but
the head, was the reply.
A Covington man died and they put
him on ice, but he awoke in the night
and yelled out: ''Why don't you put
some more wood in that stove ?"-De-
troit Press.
Were you drunk y asked lawyer
Of witness. "Well." was the reply.
81 had been drinking SO much I could
not tell whether was sober or not"
"Did you notice how splendid !
went through that last reel, at the ball
last night. Tom p 'Yes. and / also
noticed that you kept 1t up all the acay
home" -
A New Hampshire man sends four
teen of his children to one school. ane
when they combine against the teacher
be knows he can safely bet on the re-
suit.
What have you got in your carpet
bag ?" asked one clergyman Of another.
at railroad station. 'tDried tongue,
was the reply. He had several manu-
script sermons in it.
A man whose appearance indicated
that be had had q glass too much. being
asked if be was a Son of Temperance,
replied: "No-no relation (hic)-not
even an acquaintance
A young man asked his bachelor
uncle What advice would you give
to young man who was contemplating
matrimony 2" II should advise him
to keep on contemplating it F"
Being President is not such fine
thing, after all. Grant is no better of
than the rest Of US. It's no uncommon
thing to hear him say, "Fish, lend me
a dollar till Saturday, when I draw my
pay"
A rich contractor was holding forth
upon the instability Of the world "Can
you account for it, sir 2" be asked,
turning to Sam Foote. "Well, not very
clearly" he responded, "unless it was
built by contract.
An old bachelor says that giving the
ballot to women would not amount to
anything practically because they would
keep denying they were old enough to
vote until they got to be too old to take
any interest in politics. A -
An enthusiastic admirer Of Shakes
peare. who claimed that no other poet
had ever been able to equal him, after
exhausting praise, exclaimed: II tell
you that Shakespeare climbed Parnassus
to height never before reached. and
then pull ap the ladder after hins"
Will some of the boys speak up for
the Detroit Free Press. which asks
"Is it billiards that are "a healthy ex-
ercise,' or is it the act of walking from
the table to the bar. throwing the head
back and murmuring Um-um-um?'"
s'Neoralgia'' is. the charming name
of charming girl in Florida. Her
fond mother found it on a medicine
bottle, and was captivated with its
sweetness. SO some young man is
doomed to suffer neuralgia Of the heart
A school teacher got the boys down
on him by taking their apples away
from them when they had them around
in school time, and eating them him
self, but he looks at them very care
fully since he ate one charged with red
A young lady engaged to be married,
and getting sick Of f-her bargain. ap-
piled to friend to help her unite the
knot before it was too late. "Oh. GER
he replied. tits very easy to
unite it now, while it is only beau
knot"
.Now. my boy" said the committee
man. "if I had a mince pie and should
give two-twelfths Of it to John. two
twelfths to Isaac, two-twelftbs to Harry,
and should take half the pie myself.
what would there be left ?" 1.-THE
plate p shouted the boy.
A goose that sees another drink will
do the same. though be is not thisty.
The custom Of drinking for company,
when drinking is indispensable and
prejudicial, seems to he case Of the
same kind. and to put man, feathers
only excepted, upon footing with
goose.
A young lady dressed in much false
hair was warbling at the piano, and
when her mother summoned her to as
sist in some household duties, her rosy
lips opened poutingly and she snapped
out, "Oh, do it yourself!" And then
she went on singing: kind words
oon povor die -