The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-09-30
BUDGET OF FUN.
Who Net to Marry.

The day faded into the night. The lamps
were lighted The agent went home, and the
many laborers went home. Minutes dragged
slowly by, and hours seemed to crawl. The
silence was unbroken in the room. Every
few moments would the young woman look
up at the clock. Finally the Old woman broke
the silence
"Goln away
"Yes''
One remark led to another, until they were
chatting quite confdentialy. The old woman
said she was going TO "Shicagey" and told
many things. The young woman, IN turn, be-
came communicative, and said her love was
coming in on the midnight train, and that she
was gong with him to the next station to be
married.
"Been engaged long?"
"Three years"
"Your lover in business?'
ayes"
"Railroader?"
mo" t
"Well, I'm glad on it, Never mary a rail.
roader. Is he soldier?'
mo"
"Wel, I'm glad on it. Never marry SOL
der. Hotel.keeper
"Well, I'm glad on it. Never marry no.
tel keeper Travelln' man?'
mo"
"Well, I'm glad on it, Never marry trav
elm man. Steamboater"
"No."
"Welp I'm glad on 1t. Never marry a
steamb0ater Dry.goods man"'
mo" a.r
well, I'm glad on 1t. Never marry a
counter jumper. Grocery man."
mo- Hg#. EFft f.41.s
"Well I'm glad on it. Never marry pea
nut vender."
"Whom would you marry q asked the young
woman.
"WelI nv child, never marry railroader,
for he is liable to get killed most any time
Besides. he has such nice chance TO tiirt.
"Never marry military man, for he's liable
TO 20 to war and get shot. Besides, his gor-
geOus clothes attract the attention ofthe wom-
en-"
"Never marry a hotel.keeper. My first hus-
band Was hotel. keeper, and he fell through
the elevator opening and broke his darned
skull 1t rifles me when think OF that man"
"Never marry travilin' man. for he's al
ways away from hum. Nobody knows what
these men are up 10 when they're away from
hum
"Never marry steamboater. My second
husband was a steamboat captain, and he got
blowed into 100000 pieces, blast him. al
ways git terrible mad when | think OF that
man.
"Never marry dry goods man. Dyes in
clothes is so injurious They never live half
their days"
Never marry a grocer. They have such
dirty hands. My third husband was grocer,
and such hands as he'd have, was nut to
sicken body He was killed by molasses
barrel fallin' on him. When l think of him
I'm completely disguised"
The following incident is Renaissance of
the spelling.match mama which possessed
everybody last winter Late one night tip
sy man, who required the whole sidewalk to
stagger on, was seen gong down Green ST.,
bracing himself backward and holding his
hat on the back of his head with both hands
as if IN the van of a terrible gale. Thus he
spoke: Double yuh-double you.i-n-d,
d-double you.i-n-d, mind Whoop" After
this demonstration he spread out his legs, al.
so his arms, and weaved his body as ii he had
most dams erous foothold on most treacher-
Gus basis and spoke again: "Shidewauki
S.s-s., shis, wazzerdoin'9 Sh.i.d, shide, wan.
k wauk, shidewauk. WhOopl herzash for
edergashin!' Drygooz; whoop! when. up
went up his feet. "Stady, January! Stead.ee,"
he articulated, settling down again to the
struggle with the new word. "Drygooz! Dr.
(hic5 drize- goo-holon-n SO fas', my fren.'
You mus, c0mmenzer gin. D.r-i, driz, G.
(hic) doublel OF, gooz, drygooz; biginks,
whoop! Wake up, Webster" About this
time Mr.. Tipsy colrded with a policeman,
who kindly walked him to the nearest station
and gave him lodging for the night. AS he
was thrust into the cell he remarked, "Thash
right (hicl, shove me head o Their clash (hlcl.
Di5n,t ,n,ob word Whooni Wake m Web
-" and the door closed upon him.