The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1876-12-25
New England Weather.
What Mark Twain Thinks Of IL.

AT the last annual meeting of the New Eng.
land Society, held in New York Friday even.
ing speeches were made by George William
Curtis, E. E. Hale George B. Loring, MARX
Twain and others. The speeches were all
good, and that of Mark Twain's funnyi enough
to justify repitition. In response to the follow
ing toast he said:
The Oldest Inhabitant-The Weather.
Who hath lost gold and doth forget It.?
Who hath held it still and doth regret IL?
"lnterpose betuixt usItcaiH"
MERCHANT Of Venice.
Ireverently believe that the Maker who made
us all makes everything in New England but
the weather. 1 don't know who makes that,
but think it must be raw apprentices in the
,weaIher-clerks factory who, experiment. and
learn how, in New England, for board and
clothes, and then are promoted to make weath.
er for countries that require good article and
Will take their custom elsew here if they don't
get it. Lsughter.l There il sumpaff us va
rety about the New England wes u5r that
compels the strangers admiration-rsad regret.
(Laughter). The weather is always doing
something there; always attending strictly to
business; always getting up new designs and
trying them on the people to see how they will
Co. (Laughter) But it gets through more busi-
ness IN spring than in any other season. In
the spring have counted one hundred and
thirty-six different kinds of weather inside of
four and twenty hours. Laughter) 1t was I
who made the fame and fortune of that man
that had that marvellous collection of weather
on exhibition at the Centennial, that so as
founded the foreigners. He was going to trav-
el all over the world and get specimens from
all cllmes. said, don't you do it; you como
to New England on favorable spring day"
Uaughter). Well he came; and he made his
collection in four days. AS TO variety! Why,
he confessed that he got hundreds of kinds OF
weather that he had never heard of before.
And as to quantity; well, after he bad picked
out and discarded all that was blemished in any
way, be not only had weather enough, bat
weather to spare; weather to hire ont; weather
TO sell; to deposit; weather to invest; weather
to give to the poor The people of New Eng
land are by nature patient, and forbearing:
but there are some things which they will not
stand. Every year they hill a lot of poets for
writing about Beautiful Spring." These are
generally casual visitors who bring their mo-
tions OF spring from somewhere else, and can
not, OF Course know how the natives feel about .
spring. So the first thing they know, the oppor-
tunity to inquire how they feel has permanently
gone by Old Probties has q mighty reputa-
ton for accurate prophecy, and thoroughly well
serve how crispy and confidently he checks of
what to-day's weather is going to be, on the
Pacihc-d0wn South-in the middle States
in the Wisconsin region-see him sail along in
the JOY and pride of his power till he gets to
New England-and then see his tail drop.
He doesn't know what the weather Is going
to be in New England. He can't any more tell
than he can tell how many Presidents of the
United States there's going to be next year.
lApplause. Well he mulls over it and by and
by he gets out something like this: Probable
Ror-east to sou west winds, varying 10 the
south ard and west ard and east ard and points
between; high and low barometer swapping
around from place to place; probable areas Of
ceded by earthquakes, with thunder and light
ming. Loud laughter and applausel Then
he jots down this postscript from his wandering
mind, to cover accidents: "But it ispossible that
the programme may be ,sholly changed in the
meantime" Loud laughter
Yes, one of the brightest gems in the New
England weather is the dazzling uncertainty of
it. There is only one thing certain about il:
you are certain there is going to be plenty of
weather llaughterl-a perfect grand review
sion is going to move first. You fix up for the
drought; you leave your umbrella in the house
and sally out with your sprinkling-pot and ten
to one you get drowned [applausel; you make
up your mind that the earthquake is done; you
stand from under and take hold of something
to steady yourself, and the first thing you
know you get struck by lightning. Laughter.
These are great disappointments, bet they
can't be helped. lLaughter.] The lightning
there is peculiar; it is so convincing. When il
strikes thing it doesn't leave enough of that
thing behind for you to tell whether well,
you d think it was something valuable and a
Congressman had been there Loud laughter
and applause.l And the thunder When the
scrape, and saw, and key up the instruments
for the performance strangers say, "Why,
what awful thunder you have here" But
when the baton is raised and the real concert
begins, you'll find that stranger down in the
cellar with his head in the ash-barrel
Now as to the size of the weather in New
England lepgthways, mean. It is utterly
dlsproportoned to the size of that little country
Laughter Half the time, when it is packed
As full as it can stick, you will see that New
edges, and projecting around hundreds and
hundreds OF miles over the neighboring States.
lLAughter.l She can't hold a tenth part Of her
weather. You can see cracks all about where
she has strained herself trying to do it, Laugh
ter could speak volumes about the inhnman
peryersity Of the New England weather, but
will give but single specimen. / like to
hear rain on a tin roof So covered part
Of my roof with tin, with an eye to that luxury.
Well, sir, do you think it ever rains ON that
tin? No, sir, sDps it every time. GLaughter.l
Friends, in this speech have been trying
merely to do honor to the New England
weather. No language could do it justice.
Laughter.
But after all. there is at least one or two
things about that weather Tor, if you please,
effect produced by itl, which we residents
would not like to part with. lApplause.l IL
We hadn't our bewitching autumn foliage we
suoulu sbtll nave 10 Creult tn6 W6dLn6r Win one
feature which eompensates for all its bullying
vasaries-the ice-storm-when q leafless tree
is clothed with ice from the bottom to the top
ice that is as bright and clear as crystal; every
boush and twig is strung with ice-twiRs,
frozen dew-drops, ard the whole tree sparkles
cold and white like the Shah of Persia's
diamond plume. GAapplause.] Then the wind
waves the branches. and the sun comes out
and turns all those myriads of beads and
drops to prisms that glow and hum and fash
with all manner of colsred fires, which change
again with inconceivable rapidity-from blue
to red, from red to green and green to gold
the tree becomes spraying fountain, q very
eIl losion of dazzling jewels; and it stands
there the acme, the climax. the supremest
possibility, in art or nature of bewilderng,
Intoxicating, intolerable msgnifcencei One
cannot make the words too strong. ILong
continued applause. Month after month lay
up hate and grudge against the New England
weather; but when the ice-storm comes at LAST,
l say, "rhere-I forgive you now-the books
are square between u.s. you don't owe me .
cent; go, and sin no more; your little faults and
foibles count for nothing-you are the most
apnh anti tbars in, ha A.