Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1876-02-18
IN t.EtEIs


a man and wife in New jersey daily sit
down to their family dinner together, but
each IN a different town. They vary their
meals with such remarks as My love, will
you please propel the gravy bowl into
South Orange or, Hubby dear, another
slice of that roast beef over in 0rangetown,
| please?"
clergyman Of a country village church
desired to give notice that there would be
no service In the afternoon. as he was going
to othclate for another clergyman. The
clerk, as soon as the service was finished,
rose up with due sOlemnity, and cried out
Il am requested to give notice that the
Will be no service this afternoon, as Mr.. L.
Is going fishing with another clergyman"
Smidkins writes from Florida that this
crocodile mania Is not what it Is cracked up
TO be- Last week he shot at one. and it ate
the bullet and then chased him to the hotel
piazza. He lost his hat and waded in
water to his armpits. running his watch.
The white muslin ladies eating oranges on
the piazza were very rude. and laughed i'm
moderately aud called Smidkins Du Chaillu
IN disguise.
\ young lady in Lawrence, Kan, drop
ped her handkerchief IN the street, and it
blew close to the dangerous end of mule.
The young man who picked 1t up will not
send her his photo for a few days, as he
dOesn t look well with bis chin under his ear.
A Schenectady man couldn't take Job at
saving wood because be hadn't saw.
When some one gave him a saw he couldn't
raise money enough to have it filed When
he got over that difficulty he had no saw
buck, and sat down and wept and became
entirely discouraged.
y Boston grocer was telling a newspaper
man that 1t was simply throwing away
money to advertise when the sheriff came
in and shut up the store. Retribution is
always loahng around.-Dcfr0H Free Press.
1t is said that Virginia man, who has
lately had delirium tremens. saw angels in
stead of snakes and now all the saloons in
the place where he lives are fighting over
the honor Of having 30 ID him his whiskey.
man in Kentucky was found dead with
fourteen bullet-boles in his head, and a
coroner's Jury returned verdict Of death
from undue excitement.
Mr.. Crow has Just been admitted 70 the
Minnesota bar. We've heard of the West
ern sledge-hammeT style Of eloquenee, but
this Is the first instance Of an attempt to
pry up Justice with a Crow bar.-N. Y.
com. IGC.
4 man in Kilkenny recently saw a state
ment OF his own death N a newspaper. He
wrote to the editor: ''Sir, notice a few
errors in the obituary of myself which ap-
peared In your paper on Wednesday last
| was born in Dublin. not Cork, and my
retirement from business in 1860 was not
owing TO ill-health but to a little trouble
had in connection with horse The cause
nj Please
make correction.
An acter fell through loose trap a he
was leaving the stage. Emerging instantly
afterwards ne was met with hearty laugh
and the remark of wag, Il an sorry to
see you descend to such clap-trap man@l-
vres as that" ''Yes, was the quick re-
ply; but you II admit that never under
take anything without going through
One beautiful moonlight night, nine years
ago, Bismarck stood on the little bridge
that crosses the River Lahn. at Ems, and
looking down into the water, tenderly mur-
INJURED IF there Is anything don't mind
it is to have two or three pretty American
girls fooling around me- Brooklyn Argus.
\ Steilacoom (W. T) man while going
home the other night heard loud cries OF
distress, and upon investigating found an
pole, holding on 10 his ear with his thumb
and forefpger, and yelling Let co. to
his supposed assallant.
A leap-year tragedy: Tney Stood to-
gether in the entry beneath the hall lamp.
Then, Henry" she said, in low voice,
wherein were blended determination, mel
ancholy and love. you refuse my suit ?
Yes, Ella" he replied in accents that
were firm. though the speakers voice
trembled Il admire you; will be
brother to you, and watch with pride yonr
course through life, and if ever trouble
should befall you. there will be at least he
one friend 20 whom you can come Tor spe-
cor; but | can never, never be your nus
band" ut a. not because | am poor.
Henry? For. oh, if that were all, could
toll gladly from morn till night. Tor you,
and strive and win home for you, humble
it might be, but your own. 'It Is useless
to attempt to induce me to change my deter
mination though am poor, weak man.
can never, never change hay mind. Ehen,
cruel young man, so fair and yet so false.
farewell. Tomorrow you will see my
mangled remains on the lecture platform,
and know that il has been your work. But
it will be too late and. elasping him to
her bosom in wild embrace. she fled into the
outer darkness - Chicago Tribune.
One Nav day. between ninety and one
hundred wears ago. John, tenth Earl OF
Westmoreland, while dining with Mr.
Child, the banker. said Give me your
opinion in this case. Suppose you were IN
love with girl, and had no hope OF getting
her fathers consent 10 your marrying her
what would YOU do?'' 10 which the unsus-
pecting banker replied, DO why, run
away with her. to be sure" night or
two afterward Lord WestmOreland eloped
with Miss Sarah Anne Child IN postehalse
and four. The postchalse took Miss oarah
Anne on board somewhere near berkeiey
Square House. An alarm was gwen oy ths
vatchmap, who found the hall door open
Mr.. Child at once posted in pursuit, on tne
North Road, and managed to gain on the
rnnayays. Ii was not. however, until
Northumberland was reached and entered
that the second post-ohaise came within
sight of the first, and then Lord west
moreland, standing up in his carriage, shot
one of the leading horses OF Mr.. Cnlld
vehicle. which was capsized IN conse-
auence. This bold proceeding gave the
lovers time to cross the border and get mar
ried by the Gretna Green blacksmith Dur
ing the short interval between this match
and the death of Robert Child. he never
forgaye Lord and Lady Westmoreland.
A few days ago one of the professors per.
petrated a practical joke upon himself
worthy to be cherished in the archives oil
the institution. He had occasion to VISIT
small closet, in which the janitor keeps ms
tools. situated in the basement. near tne
engine. Not wishing to be disturbed while
there he locked himself in and slipped the
koy into his pocket. During his nanlpula-
tions, he forget tha. be had the key IN his
possession, and upon trying to get out I'M
agined himself the victim Of some malicious
physicist. He waited some time tor his tor
mentors to repent, and then became exas
perated. He pounded the door, kicked.
wept, and swore through the keYhole, ou'
in vain. The janitor, had gone down 70
| town, and there was none to heed MS CRY,
| In the course of the afternoon he retnrneu
and accidently discovered the mighty iaiien
| into a sullen lit of distrust. and Destitute oi
ali confidence in humanity When tine pro
fessor sat down to his newspaper alter sup
Der that evening, and happening 70 pu: ms
hand into his pocket found the key Oh tnss
closet. he Immediately went into ~ pecn-
ward and ran vhselbarrow back - iossn
over himself for half IN hour-esf""
! Unirsrsisy Era.