The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1876-08-03
MAX ADELBR.
He Announces Him self as u Candidate for
N -fPresidenS.


mind to run for the Presidency
What the country wants is a candi-
date who cannot be injured by inves-
tigat;on of his past history, SO that the
enemies of the party will be able to
rake up against him things that no.
body ever heard of before. LIZ you
know the most about a candidate to
begin with. every attempt to spring
things on him will be check-mated
Now, 1 am going to enter the field
with an open record. 1 am going to
own up in advance to all the wicked
ness l have done, and If any Congress
sionaI committee is disposed 10 pro wi
around my biography, in the hope of
finding any dark and deadly deed
which 1 have secreted, why, let it
prowl.
In the first place. admit that l did
tree q rheumatic grandfather of mine
in the winter of 1859. He was old
aud inexpert at climbing trees. But
with heartless brutality that is char
acteristic of me, ran him out of the
front door in his night shirt, at the
point of a shot gun, and caused him
bowl up a maple tree, where he re-
mained all night, while emptied shot
into his legs. l did this because he
snored. l will do it again if ever
have another grandfather. 1 am as
inhuman now as l was in 1859. No
rheumatic person shall snore in my
house.
Che last time 1 ran for the Presi-
dency there was some unpleasant talk
about my implication in transaction
with the widow PolIock's 8 ducks. The
matter was hushed up, but have no
objection to admitting the truth Of it.
i have always had a theory that roast
ducks were conducive 10 hysterical
symptoms, and as every instinct OF
nature prompted me 10 protect The
widow from the ravages of histeria
entered the coop in the garden and re-
gretfulIy but firmly removed those
ducks. The fact that she began
prosecution agoinst me is not matter
of consequence. 1t is the fate of the
phiIsnthropist to be misunderstood.
But duty is my guiding star, and if ii
leads me to ducks or destruction
shall follow it.
candidly acknowledge that / ran
away at the battle OF Gettysburg. Ny
friends have tried to smooth over this
fact by asserting that l merely got be-
hind a tree that did so for the pur-
pose of initiating Washington, who
went into the woods at Valley Forge
to say his prayers. 1t is miserable
subterfuge. / struck out in a straight
line for the Tropic Of Cancer, simply
because 1 was scared. l wanted my
country saved, but preferred TO have
somebody else save her. l entertain
that preference yet. If the bubble
reputation, can be obtained only at the
cannon's mouth, am willing to GO
there for it, provided the cannon il
empty. If it is loaded, my immorta
and inflexible purpose is to get sud.
denly over the fence and go home
My invariable practice in war hai
been to bring out of any fight two
thirds more men than took i'm. This
seems to me to be Napoleonic in its
grandeur.
My financial views are of the mos
decided character, but they are moi
likely, perhaps, to increase my popu
laritv with the advocates of imitation
or contraction. 1 do not insist upon
the special supremacy of rag money
or hard money. The great foundation
principle of my life is to take any
kind that I can get.
The rumor that 1 buried dead
aunt under one Of my grapevines is
founded upon fact. The vine needed
fertilizing, my aunt had to be buried
SO dedicated her to that high pur.
pose. Does that act unfit me for the
Presidency? The Constitution of oul
country does not say 80. No Other
citizen was ever considered unworthy
of the Office because he enriched hi
grapeyines with his relations. Why
should I be the first victim of an alb
surd prejudice?
l admit, also, that am not a frienG
of the poor man. / regard the poo
man, i'm his present condition, as 81
much wasted raw material. Cut uI
and properly canned, he might b,
made useful to fatten the natives o
the Cannibal Islands and to improv,
our export trade with that country:
shalt recommend legislation upon thi
subject in my first message. My cam
paign cry will be " Dessicate the poo
workmenI Stuff him into sausages 7
These ale about the worst parts O
my record. On them 1 come befor,
the country. If my country dom
want me will 60 back again. But
recommend myself as a safe man.
man who starts from the basis of teta
depravity and proposes to be ficndisl
to the last.
You cannot convince q dog with /,
string of fire-crackers attached to hi
tail that the American republic is :
complete success.
THERE are only two gallons of whis
ky per year manufactured for each in
habitant of the United States. and IL
a clear case that somebody's got to g,
without.
THERE are 100000 pins made il
this country every year, and yet {
Connecticut woman complained be