The Fairfield herald. [volume] (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1849-1876, 1876-03-15
TER MS-N ADI'ANCE.
THE BONELESS MAN.
A Brilliant Invention, and What Becell
on its Trial Trip.

A. AhOil " AIo llNSo W. VII tDo(ttlI jill
is grievously afflicted Lccausc the
lady who supclintcnds the weekly
publications of the wearing apparel
ut his homo always leaves net
work Of clothos-lino spread all
around his back yard, And when
he made complaint to her about it
she addressed him in the musical
accents Of Christine Nilsson's native
language and overwhelmed him with
torrent Of eloqucnco that he could
not understand. And when ho re-
monstratcd with his wife and
daughtor about it they laughed him
to scorn, and his daughter, who was
educated at Vassar and can hustle
hor terrified parent out of the
house with ono hand, told him if he
intorfercd any moro in that depart
mont around that house ho'd got
drowned in tho wash tub. SO this
man suffered. Ono bitter cold
morning he ran out to tho wood
shed aftor somo kindling, and the
first line caught him under the chin
and pulled his mock till it was Il
foot long, and he ran into the house
md frightened his vito into fits by
his terrible appearance, and sho
Threatened to apply for divorce if
no ever mado faces at hor in that
way again. 1t WAS nearly three
hours before his neck shrunk back
to it's natural size. And a few
nights after that ho was all dressed
to 60 to party with his family,
and he went bounding down the
back yard to sec that the alley gate
was fastenod, and slack line
caught him amidships, let him run
out tho slat Ks, and then when it
haulod taut, just picked linn up.
tossed tho breath out Of him,
turnod him clcau over, and clu,ckcd
him down on his back, splitting his
coat from tail buttons to the neck.
And no couldn't speak, and he
couldn't breathe, only about thirty
cents on the dollar, so he couldn't
answer his wife and daughter when
they screamed to him that thoy
were ro"dy, and they concluded
that hc had run away to avoid Euing
with them, SO they won't of without
him, and never came back till II
o'clock, and tho man lny out in the
hack yard, all that time trying to
die. And one time after that he
was Jogging across the back yard
with his arms full Of about three
hundred pounds of hard wood,
md he was laughing like n
hyona at something ho had
read in tho Ua'ch.hye, when q
clothes prop slipped just as ho
passed. under tho limo and
dropped on his head, raising II
lump ns big as an egg, and he fell
forward and tho line caught right
in his mouth, md sawed it clear
back to his cars, so that when he
tried to smile tho top Of his head
only hung on II hinge.
We'll, these things naturally
weighed on his mind ana depressed
him, but they set him TO thinking,
md he went to wolk,nnd invented Il
patont clothes line reel, which was
incloscd in n heavy cast-iron box.
and was worked by powerful
automatic arrangement. You only
had to wind up the box and set it
Tor u certain hour, just like IN alarm
clocN, and at that hour the reel
would 80 of, and pull on the inc
like team Of mules the spring
hook ut tho other end Of the !inu
would let go It's hold, and tlmt line
would be rolled up at the ratio Of a
thousand miles Il minute. Tie "nil
nothing about his invention. but put
np the box and told some lie about
it to his family, which is Way mon
hnvc, and he set it for 7 O'Clock
=. NJ, and wound it up strong
Then ho watched Miss Nilsson $
compatri,t run out the line and
adjust tho hook, md he went
away.
About 7 o'clock that evening,
whilo no WAS toasting his feet at the
fire and reading the almanac, tho
family were disturbed by unmistaka
bic Indications of fight going on
in tho back yard between hurri
cane and an earthquake, in which
tho earthquake appeared to ho
getting a little the best of it. Tho
nfi'rightcd family rushed to the
back door md looked upon sceno
of devastation and anarchy. Tho
air was full of fragments of linen
and cotton and rod flannel, and
shirt buttons and clothes pins and
little brass buckles were flying like
hail. The reol in the iron box was
making about 10000 revolutions il
minute, and was whirring around
like threshing machine, and the
limo was tearing around tho posts
like II streak of runaway lightning,
and the clothes were trying to keep
along with it, and around tho posts
they woro ripping, tearing and
snapping moro than any cyclone
that ever got lost, while whore tho
line shot into the holo in the iron
box, the striped stockings and white
shirts and things. and hannels and
yarn socks and understands and
more things, and aprons aud hand
korchicfs, and sheets and things,
md pillow-s)ips just foamod and