The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1876-10-27

er he might be, with might and main,
| (Which, of course, meant the widows
might, and the State of Maine, including
smart jeans" whom Apollo struck down
at the temple door, no doubt to prevent
| the pollution of his presence withinD and
if necessary, to call in the aid of the whole
nation. To facilitate this scheme the Su-
preme judges, the Cabinet, the Congress
and forty millions of people, by a sweep of
| poor old Taffy's pen, have been resolved
into q nondescript military horse
marine posse comitdtt,S, to be commanded by
marshuls chosen a la Napoleon the Great,
| from the forrest classes.
PARALLEL ".
There was in the Grecian camp q chief,
| Philoctetes by name, who also had been an
| aspirant for the favors of tho fascinating
Helen. But his career as a sutton had a
sud ending. In an unfortunate moment
! he violated certain oath which he had
made, and by way of punishment was bit
ten by serpent sent by the gods for the
express purpose. This bite gangrened,
and soon became so offensive that, at the
instigation of Ulysses-who hated him
cordially long before he became so rotten
| however, the Greeks were informed by
their oracle that Troy could not be over
come without the aid of the poisoned ar
rows which this miserable outcast always
bore in his culver, Ulysses endeavored, for
his own selfish ends, to bring about his re-
turn. Remembering, however, the ill usage
he had received at the hands of Ulysses, he
at first demurred but voice from the in
fernal regions commanding him, he at once
obeyed. The longer he staid in camp the
more offensive did he become, and for
while there was lively time. Various
were the devices resorted to, to counteract
the horrible stencil. Disinfectants were,
Of course, tried, but in vain, by the afflict-
ed hosts. They stuffed cotton in ther
noses; rubbed from head to foot with
musk, hoping to out-smell him; they roll
ed in carrion; they carried skunks in their
haversacks and whenever Philoctetes would
come along each one would pull out his
particular skunk and thrust it against his
nostrils, as the ladies of the present day
sometimes use their cologne bottles when
passing the gas works, or u bone mill. 1t
was of no use, each of these devices failed
in succession. Then the most desperate
even went so far as to eat Goldfish for break
fast, chitterlings for dinner and Limburger
cheese for supper-that is such as could
procure these deliCacies, which must have
been scarce in that remote age and region.
All in vain. This last failure brought to
a close all attempts at competition. If
ever mutiny was justiiiable, it was on this
occasion. So thought the afflicted legions,
and they accordingly cast all discipline to
tha dc rncnltpI n philnntatpc
being banished second time. Perhaps
the strangest part ofthis strange scene was,
that Ulysses was calm, cool and collected
throughout the hubbub. He didn't mind
the smell q bit. In fact he seemed rather
to like it, though he said he couldn't smell
anything at all, and blandly inquired what
all this turning up of noses was about.
The modern Ulysses has always kept in
his camp and about his person a lot of i'll
smelling fellows. Some few of these walk
ing nusances he has been forced, by out
side pressure, to abate, though not until
they had become altogether intolerable to
his best friends. What is little remark
able, he has always accompanied such an
abatement with IL certificate OF good odor.
But then our Ulysses is just that sort of
man, he could discharge an officer from his
very household for stealing, nay, he has
done this very thing, and then turn about
and certify to the public that he is perfect
Iy honest aud worthy of all confidence. In
fact, the only way for Ulysses friends to
secure, beyond all doubt, one of his strong
est certificates is to steal something and
get discharged for it. His interest in a
friend don't appear to be thoroughly arous-
ed until he has become thief, and, as it
would seem, the more notorious, the better
for the thief. A genuine Philoctetes of
the antique cast was lately discovered in
our Ulysses camp, in the person OF an hon
ored leader and Christian statesman, who
carries poisoned arrows in his culver. The
bite of one Mulligan, (who, however, can't
he serpent, for he is an lrisliman, and
there are, thanks to ST. Patrick, no serpents
in Ireand) first brought out, in their full
glory, all his several stenches. These soon
became SO insutferable that our Ulysses
made them the nominal excuse for Danish
ing him from the camp; though in reality,
this was done, not so much because of the
odos-for our Ulysses is known to have
long since lost his sense of smell-as be-
cause he was an obstacle in Ulysses path.
No sooner, however, did the great oracle
.
shafts were indispensable to victory, than
he was recalled. He seemed 10th to COM
ply, until warned to do so by voice from
the lower regions-most probably the
voice of "Old John Browns soul" This he
forthwith obeyed. On similar hint from
the great oracle, Ulysses summoned to the
front another dishonored Philoctetes, who
for years has borne about him, if possible,
a still fouler atmosphere, and does now,
when he once fairly unbottles. He has
been much bottled up lately. These two
worthless have so recent. taken the field,
that the last part of our parallel-that
namely, relating to the death struggle with
the stenches-must be drawn by the read
er's imagination.
PARALLEL V.
From the moment that the patriotic
Palamedes, in the manner herein before
stated, had brought to grief the ancient
Ulysses shamming of insanity, the latter
(very Enthusiastically swore immortal
enmity against him. Among other meas
ures resorted to, to effect his ruin, he even
had the meanness to bride one of Palame-
des' servants to dig q hole in his masters
tent, and therein conceal large sum of
money, no doubt feloniously distracted
from the public till He then directed
some of his minions to forge letter pur-
porting to have been written by that arch
enemy, the king of Troy, accepting Pala-
NEEDLESS offer-a wholly imaginary one Of
course-to deliver into his hands the entire
army for sum of money named, which
was the exact amount deposited in the
hole. Ulysses then limited to the other
chiefs foul suspicious regarding his intend
cd victim. A search was the result, when
both the letter and the money were found
in the tent of the honest Palamedes. He