Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1876-06-29
NEIGHBORHOOD GOSSIPS.
All About that Episode in the Domestic
Affairs of Mr.. and Mrs. McDuAy-How
Happiness was Found to Lie
Between two Extremes.

long been noted by their neighbOrS and friends
as the happiest, most affectionate couple that
ever lived together. They are always seen to-
gether at the theatre, at concerts, at the IL
voli after the concerts-and in fact, whatever
John likes she likes, and vice versa. The
only difference between them is constitu-
tional one. John is lean, very lean; SO lean
that the most skillful marksman would as
soon think of taking willow wand for a
target at 800 yards as him. He works hard
and late drinks sour mash at irregular inter-
walls, chews tobacco without ceasing, goes
around very freely with the boys, and seldom
thinks about eating. He is never seen to
paste dab of mustard upon chunk of
brown bread before drinking his beer, as
other fellows do. No; he drinks first one
glass, and then another, and then meets an
other man and takes some brandy on top of
it. Thus MIR. McDuffy, by course of treat
ment, had been growing leaner and leaner,
until ''his dimensions TO any thick sight
were becoming invisible
Mrs. McDutfy is fat, very fat; so fat that
her most expensive garments generally be-
come useless to her long before they are worn
out 1t was once remarked that she had to
slide through the door of the Tivoli sideways.
but this was pure exaggeration. Unlike
her dear John, she is very regular at meals,
takes life easy, believes every word that Mr..
McDuffy tells her about his lateness in getting
home, has no darling suspicious about his
lady acquantances. She drinks beer plenti-
fully, and makes no secret to any one that
she is particularly fond of it. And so she has
been growing fatter and fatter, until she had
become shy of being weighed before people.
These observations refer to the McDutfies
as they appeared several months since
Some time agt friend Of the family called
upon Mrs. McDuffy. She said, "My dear,
you are really growing too stout for any
thing. Excuse my saying so"
Il Declares said Mrs. McDuffy, Il am
actually ashamed of it, but what can do @
"Do, said her friend; ''why, do as did
Look how I've come down in six weeks l
| weighed 179, and now"
30 for heavens sake, tell me-" said Mrs.
! Med. ''Id be tickled almost to death to get
down little.''
=" Well, then, adopt the Banling system.
Avoid eating all saccharine substances, don't
eat potatoes, sugar, butter, vegetables, pud-
ding-'here the good creature expounded the
doctrine of the philanthr6pic Mr.. Banting
II shall commence right away" said Mrs
McDuffy. ''GOd bless you my DEAR
1t happened that on the selt-same day on
which the above conversation was held at
home, Mr.. McDuffy met medical acquain-
tance Of his at the Sherman House-or as he
would have said to Mrs. D., ''down town.
In fact, they were having quiet tipple to-
gether at the bar.
my boy SAID the Docter, "you are not
looking well; you are getting thin"
Il am always thin, said john "but it's a
fact, I'm not feeling very bright. Truth is,
haven't any appetite"
''You take too much of this John" said
the Doctor, gravey, as they touched glasses;
"you must give it up"
Unjust 2" says John . then here's to us
for the last time.
Scotch air, "Neil Cows farewell to whisky
YES continued his medical adviser,
looking into his eye and poking his forefnger
into the hollow space beneath the orb, '' sour
mash is bad thing for you. Your nerves
are prostrated; you'll soon be throwing up
your food. You have inflammation and con-
gestion of the gastric"
''Oh, for Gods sake don't scare me-" said
John. . I'm not SO tar gone as all that, surely.
l have sort of giddiness now and then, but
by Jove, old fellow, | guess you're right.
| may be carrying this little too far.
What's to be done?"
The medical man whipped out little bit of
paper from his vest pocket, screwed neat
little pencil out of its gold case, dabbed it on
his tongue, and scribbled off some hierogly-
phics.
"There," said he. ego and take that, and
that'll carry you over your present difficulty.
But, my boy, you must try and get fat"
John smiled sadly, and pulled down his
vest.
'And how in thunder am Ito get fat,
should like to know?'
The Doctor laid his hand onJ ohm s shoulder,
and, with look which seemed to say, "rhis
is going to settle the fate of the country"
pronounced the word
"Koumiss"
"Koumiss ~ echoed the lank man.
"What the devil is that?" John was look !
ing bewildered and incredulous
Don't sneer now: but its on!y-a kind of |
milk-digested milk -effervescent, you know-an |
xhlarant-assimilate with the blood. Live
on it, my boy; live on it for three months.
and you'll weigh more'n your wife. Good
bye"
That night Mr. McDuffy stubbed his toes
two or three times in ascending the stairs to
his room but it was for the last time.
John," said his comfortable partner,
just waking up while MIR. Med. was occupi-
ed in a long and silent struggle with the boot
on his left foot, isn't it a,fM late, dear?"
"Why no, not much" said he. contriving
to turn the gas down low, so that the clock
could not give an object lesson; '''bout's
same's us't s'pose."
80 my dear, what kept you out so late ?"
"P'litkl meeting House David; COM
paign's booming, now, tell you"
champagne, | should think. she said.