Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1876-12-13
WIT AND HUNOR.

WIT AND HUNOR.
ADAM SMITH said, "Man is an animal
that makes bargains" So does whisky.
HOMEWARD song of the BOSWELL
meet in the sweet, by and by.
The third river in Scotland is the
Forth.
A NIMBLE fellow-the man who ran
up his flag.
WHEN ought mariners to have fruit
at sea? When they stem the currents.
[ HAv often thought that the con-
seited phools were the happiest persons
iving.-Josh Billings.
ALFRED TENNYsoN thinks that eating
mince pie is like riding over a cordu-
roy road.
YoUcHTICA, N. Y" was the address
en- q letter recently received at the
Utica post office.
JEAN INGELow is stout and not beauti..
full. What figure for the muse of
poesy.
A YANKEE editor, in response to a
subscriber who grumbles that his morn
ing paper was intolerably damp, says:
"That is because there is so much due
on it."
"I NEVER go to church." said a ceun-
try tradesman to his parish clergy; "I
always spend Sundays in settling &C
counts, "You will find, sir" said the
clergyman, "that the day of judgment
will be spent In the same way"
"DEsERTED by all except his bob
tailed dog, his life went slowly out as
the shadows of the setting sun crept
over the front stoop of Darling's gro
Gerry" is the way they express them
selves in Georgia.
A NEGRO in South Carolina, who was
complaining Of the hard times, declared
they were the hardest ever known.
"Why," said he, "I works ali day an
steals all night, an yet I'm blest eff T
kin make an honest iving!"
A PAIR of ready made pants was pre-
sented a tribute to the victor at re-
cent country shooting match. The re-
cipient remarked, as he surveyed the
surveyed the gift, that he hardly
thought it was fitting one.
GEoGRE ELIOT says that the pecu-
liar waving motion of the feelers
of the common cockroach are
not indicative of derision or contempt,
but are the expressions of an earnest
soul vainly striving to grasp a vanish
ing ideal.
THE climate Of southern Georgia is
as mild as that of Italy. The only
change of apparel that editors in that
section make when winter comes is to
pin a pod Of red pepper to the lapel
of their summer coats, and even this
is oppressive.-AHaaata Constitution.
HERE is another case of retribute
justice. A clergyman in q neighboring
town married runaway couple, and
the same night he was overtaken by
donation party, and had nothing in the
house to eat the next day save beans
and potatoes. -Norriaoacm Herald.
THERE are three things that foot
benches in church pews seem made
for-yea, four-namely, to get in the
way for strangers to fall over; to fly
up and hit a man in the nose when
his head is bowed; to tip over in the
most solemn part of the minister's
prayer, and to make more noise than a
flock of goats set loose On a barn floor.
The Graphic takes the palm for bad
puns. Here is an instance: The season
of base ball now glides silently into the
era of buckwheat cakes. The batter
escapes from the pitcher and syruptl-
| tiously assumes forms in which the
hungriddleight.
| PRov1DENr.-Keeper: Beg pardon,
sir, but you have just fred both bar
rels. Sir Patrick (who, from the awful
"kick" he received, wasn't likely to
forget it): Av course I have,-but
didn't just load each barl with four
charges, and haven't six shots to the
good ?-Fannu Folks.
HENRY FAWCEu, the blind member
of Parliament, remembers people by
their voices better than most people do
by their faces, and keeps his temper
better than most people who have eyes.
Probably because he sees less to offend
him.
The mastery of pure mind over
human prejudlces and passions IS never
so well exem plifed as in the play of
contendirg emotions that sweep over
the face of a young lady at church
when she looks on the same hymn
book with man who has been eating
onions Haaukeye.
A PREACHER who used notes, had the
misfortune to deliver a discourse-or
rather, as the sequel will show, a por-
ton OF dlscouIse-in breezy spot,
of which rash act the consequence was
that thirdly" was missing. The en-
barrassed pastor repeated several
times" Thirdly, my brethern-third-
ly" This lasted several minutes, till.
at last, an excited old lady rose from
her seat, and exclaimed: "Thirdly
went out of the door,"