Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1876-01-29
A irving kftuaffOn.

Mr.. Bilderback, says the Burlington
haWSeye M m0rist, Will not attend divine
we are PANIED TO learn, labOring under a
very distressing frame Of mind, being greatly
lncensed against churches on general prin-
ciples. He doesn't like to talk about the
matter, but we learned all about it, despite
his reticence. 1t seems that last Sunday
morning be was DOING comfortably In his
main sleepe rs, when he became aware Of an
apparftiOn gliding solemnly down the aisle
Win a collection basket in its hand. Mr..
Bllderback braced up into an erect posture,
cleared bis throat In q ponderous tone of
Roman frmness, as one who should say,
who's been asleep2n And as the basket
seTs pocket for his wallet 1t wasn't there,
and as be withdrew his hand and felt in the
other pocket felt that the eyes of the congre-
cation were upon him. and that was ali he
ielt, for he certainly didn't feel any pocket
book. He nodded the basket man to wait
second, and leaned over to the left while
his coat, from which, i'm his increas-
Ing nervousness, he drew half q dozen
cheStnuts, which rolled over the floor with
rattle that sounded In his hot ears like the
thunders OF the Apocalypse, and made them
hotter still. Then he leaned over the end of
the pew and felt in the other inside coat
pocket and drew out a bundle of letters, a
lot of pos tai cards, a circus ticket, q photo
graph OF an actress, a funny story printed on
= card, pocket comb, and long string and
hot air blast. Then he SQUARED his elbows
and went for his vest pockets, and strewed
The pew cushion with Quill toothpicks
newspaper scraps, street car checks, q shoe
buttoner, some lead pencil stubs, and crumb-
ling indications of chewing tobacco, a bit of
sealing wax, piece OF ncorice root about
an inch long, and three or four troches. Then
he leaned forward, and stung to madness by
the smiles which were breaking out ali
around that church worse than the measles
coat tail pockets, and drew forth q red silk
handkerchief, two apples, a spectacle case, a
pair OF dog-skin gloves, an overcoat but tom,
and q hne assortment of bits of dried orange
peel and lint. Then he stood I'D, deyoutly
praying that an earthquake might come
along and swallow up either him or the
rest OF me congregation, he didn't much care
Whcn, ana went down into his hip pockets,
from when he evolved q revolver q cork
screw, cigar case, piece of string q mem
OF andum book, and pocket-knife. By this
time Mr.. Bilderback's face was scarlet clear
down TO his waist, and he was so nervous
ard worked up that he nearly shook Off his
Clothes, while the man with the basket could
Lot have moved away II he had died for
staying. And when Mr.. Bilderback, in for
Torn despair, once more rammed his hand
INTO the trousers pocket where he began the
search, the congregation held its breath, and
when Mr.. Bflderback drew forth the very
pOcketbOOk which he had missed I'm his first
careless search, and had since all but stripped
10 md, there was q sigh of relief went forth
MI. Bilderback only dropped into his seat
with an abruptness that made the windows
rattle, and registered a mental vow that he
wasn't going To come out TO church again TO
be made fool OF by q man with long ham
died dalDinR basket.