The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1876-08-19
VARIETY.

VARIETY 7.
Judge Have you anything to offer to the
court before sentence is passed on you ?" Pris-
oner-" No, Judge. 1 had $40; but my lawyers
took that.''
A fashionable young lady of Chicago was
heard to remark that she hadn't got anything
new this winter, and didn't expect to get much
until after father fails.
Chicago Times There's a mining town out
West called I" Nowhere That's were man
has always been when his wife lets him in at
two o'clock in the morning.
The standard of drunkenness varies considera-
bly, between London and Edinburgh. A witness
IN London Court testified that IS man is pro-
perly drunk when he cannot walk An Edin-
burgh witness testified that 50 mon nae has
enough till he Gamma speak"
A Vermont editor says that man in Proctor
sville caught pickerel weighing two half pounds
inside of which was another pickerel which meas
ured nine inches in length and inside of this was
another, Eve inches in length. We don't quest
ion the truth of this story. The only remarkable
thing about it is that the man didn't 60 on find
ing inside pickerels as long as the inches
held out.--Norrist0t0n (Pa) Herald.
PLAIN DREcTIoN.-A countryman had sold
butcher some hogs, and was to deliver them In
the afternoon at the residence of the purchaser,
but did not know where the said residence was.
The butcher then gave him the following direc-
ton '' You choost goes pehind de Menger and
turns TO de right till you comes to fence NIT
hole in it' den you turns up to de right for
yard. Dots e.'-Sda Antonia Herald.
During rainy weather gentleman stepped in
to a tobacconist's at the West End, London, and
asked him for loan of an umbrella. He was
promptly Accommodated. IS Yes; but that's a
mighty honest fellow said the tobacconist.
"An honester or more generous man you won't
snd in days travel. He has gotta number of
nmbrells of me, but he always brings back bet
tor one in return. An changes 'em somehow, but
how l don't know, and don't care. 1 see he's
honest, and that's all | care about it."-Netc
York Tribune.
A book agent, who has retired from active
labor upon the hard-earned accumulation of a
life of industrious cheek, says that the great
secret OF his success was when he went to a
house where the female head of the family
presented herself, he always opened by saying,
Il beg you pardon. miss, but it was your
mother wanted to see.'
That always used to get 'em. They not only
subscribed for my books themselves, but told me
where could find more customers.
Scene on New York ferry boat: Your
Republican party has gone to the dogs. Belknap
The sooner Grant gives up the better A quiet
looking gentleman replied IS Your logic is
irresistible. Judas took the bribe and that
ruined the Savior and the apostles. Burr's
Arnold took British gold and that involved in
disgrace Washington and his staff. Hull was
coward, therefore Perry must have been a
poltroon." " "Ahem Good morning"
4 poor man who had large family broke his
leg, and, as he would be for some time destitute
of the means of grace it was proposed to hold
prayer meeting at his house. The meeting was
Ia hryn a lnrrH1 1r1no 4 Hno
interrupted the service. tall, lank, blue
frocked youngster, stood at the door with an OK
goad in his hand, and asked to see Dea. Brown.
Father could not attend this meeting,' he said,
but he sent his prayers, and they are out in
the cart They were brought in, in the shape
of potatoes, beef, pork and corn. The meeting
broke up without the benediction.
One Mrs Van Auken installed Chinaman in
her kitchen. The following conversation took
place:
What is your name, r2'' asked Mrs Van
Auken.
"Oh, my nance Ah Sin Foo''
But l can't remember all that lingo, my
man. 'I'l call you Jimmy"
80 Velley welle. Now whachee nance callee |
you?'' asked All Sin, looking up in sweet
simplicity.
"welI. my name is Mrs. Van Auken; call
me that
"0h, me can no .membel Mise Yanne Auken.
Too,big piecee nance. callee you Tommy
Mise Tommy"
young man entered Detroit lawyers Office |
20 study law; the practitioner sat down beside him
and said
Now, see here, have no time to fool away, |
If you don't pan out well won't keep you here |
thirty days. Do you want to make a good !
lawyer"
81 Yes, SIR
'' Well, now, listen. Be polite to old people, |
because they have cash. Be good to the boys, |
because they growing up to cash basis. |
Work in with reporters and get pufs. Go to
church for the sake of example. Don't fool any
girl until you can plead cause. If you can fol-
low these instructions you will succeed. If you
cannot, 20 and learn to be doctor and kill your
hest friends. '-Detroh fFef,Press.