Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1876-03-29
The COIOHeI's Hat.


again he is using a very excellen
article of "Hair yigor" upon hi
scalp. Some time ago he was sum
moued as juryman upon case il
the Circuit Court, and, just before
the hour at which the court met he
remembered that he had not ap.
piled the Vigor that morning
He few up stairs and into a dark
closet where he kept the bottle,
and, pouring some fluid upon a
sponge, and rubbed his head ener-
getically. BY some mishap, the
Colonel got hold of the wrong bot
tie, and the substance with which
he inundated his scalp was not Wig
or, but was black varnish with
which Mrs. Bangs decorated her
shoes. However, Bangs didn't per-
ceive the mistake, but darted down
stairs, put on his hat and started
off to the court room. 1t was a
very cold morning, and by the time
the Colonel reached his destination
the varnish was as stiff as O stone
He felt little uncomfortable about
the head, end endeavored to re-
move his hat to discover the cause
of the difficulty, but to his dismay
it was glued fast to the skin and
his efforts to take it off gave him
frightful pain.
Just then he heard his name call
ed by the cricr, and lie had to 60
into court to answer. He was wild
with apprehension Of coming troub-
lie; but he took his seat in the jury
box and determined to explain the
situation to the court al. the earliest
possible moment. AS he sat there
with a guilty feeling in his soul, it
seemed to him that that high hat
kept getting bigger and bigger I'M
til it appeared to him to be as large
as a medium sized shot tower
Then he was conscious that the
lawyers were staring at him. Then
the Clerk looked at him and shout
ed:
"Hats off in court |" and the Col
onel grew crimson in the face
"Hats off," yelled the Clerk again.
and the Colonel was about to reply
when the Judge came in, and, as
his eye rested on Bangs, he said
persons in the court room must
remove their hats"
Bangs.-"May it please your
Honor, keep my hat on because"
Judge.-"Well, sir, you must
take 1t oil now"
Bangs.-"But say l kept it on
because /"
Judge.-"We don't want any ar
guments upon this subject, sir.
Take your hat off instantly.
"But You won't let me"
Judge.-"Remove that this mo-
ment, sir Uncover your head at
once"
Bangs.-"Judge, if you will only
give me q chance to"
"Judge.-"This is intolerable (!
Do you mean to insult the Court,
sir : Do you mean to profane this
sacred temple of justice with nu-
timely levityl Take your hat of,
sir, or I will fine you for contempt.
Do you hear me 7"
Bangs.-"Well, it's very hard
that / can't say word by way Of
ex-"
"Judge (warmly)-"This is too
much This is just little too much.
Perhaps you'd like to come up on
the bench here, and run the court,
and sentence q few convicts .
You've got more audacity than q
mule. Mr.. Clerk fine that man IF
ty dollars! Now, sir, remove your
hat"
Bangs.-"Judge, that is rough on
me. /"
Judge-(in furious rage)-I
wont do it yetl Why you impu-
dent scoundrel I've a notion to
Mr.. Clerk, fine him 800 more, and
Mr.. Jones, you go and take that
hat off by force I"
Then the tipstand approached
Bangs, who, was by this time half
crazy with wrath, and hit the hat
with his stick. 1t didn't move.
Then he struck it again, and caved
in the crown /; but it still remained
on Bangs head. Then he picked
up O volumn of "Brown on Evil
dence, land smashed the crown in
fat. Then Bangs sprang at him,