Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1876-05-13

Stretch, but we will so designate him.
lie poured this Sorrowful story in the
ear of an attentive and sympathetic lis
tener:
"No, sir, I'll never run for office again,
said Mr.. Stretch. You know when they
came and asked me if I'd accept nom
inatiun for City Comptroller they told
me 10 run, and that | was certain TO be
elected because was a man whose char
acter was SO good tha. nobody could
find fault with it, thought 50 myself
and | agreed to run, and accordingly
they nominated me. Well sir, the very
next morning the Bugie came out with
the assertion that | had been detected in
stealing chickens, and it gave fall his
tory of the case, together with pictures
of the chickens; and after darkly limiting
that since abandoning chickens stealing
| had been continually engaged in other
forms Of robbery, it asked if the people
of this State wanted to see 4 chicken
thief making laws tor them. And the
mischief of it was that | did hook a
couple of chickens from my grandmoth-
er's coop vixen | was Il small boy, but
how'n the thunder they ever found it out
beats me. 1t was tiity-uwo years ago.
Now look at my nose {! 1t ain't much
of a nose for beauty, is it | know well
enough that it is crooked But nobody
ever alluded to it until | was nom
mated, and then the .4rg" said that
there was tradition that had the nose
mashed around sideways during my ca-
reer rs n prize-iighter, although some
people insisted that had run it bard
against door while | was drunk. And
then all the illustrated papers III the
State began to publish pictures Of me
with a nose ike the jlO sheet OF an oys-
ter sloop, only twisted around sideways
and one of them said that when snecz-
ed on the front porch the conclusion act
ed like boomerang aud blew the back
door open.
And they tackled me about my war
record. You know | was out with tnc
militia. And the B"gie published a let
ter from 4 man who said that during the
battle of Gettysburg | was hid in re-
frigerator in cellar in the town, pre-
tending that | was ordered there to
mount guard over some ra!lons of cold
beet And the Bugie asserted that the
only manpver | was ever good at was
falling back that whenever the enemy
was expected TO be approaching al
ways made Decline for Nova Scotia,
and never turned up until after the fight
but once, aud then we were surprised,
and fired my musket SO wildly that |
shot our owr colonel in the leg, and sur
rendered to an lrishman who belonged
to our regiment, and who came up TO
me to borrow plug Of tobacco. To tell
the truth, | was not much OF hghilng
man, but how in the mischief they found
ont about that refrigerator gets me. Aw-
ful, isn't it? ! would not have minded it
so much, only they got up poster and
stuck it around the streets and healed
it 'Stretch's War Record, and put Oh it
a picture of me with mOnstrous lob
sided nose sitting inside that retIigera-
tor gnawing 4 bone out OF the roast
beef
And then,as the campaign went along
they accused me Of having the deii'i"m
ncme"s, of beating my wife, Of wiplng
my nose on my sleeve,of robbing bank
of selling my dead aunt TO medical
college, and of holding the doctrine that
the whale did not swallow Jonah, and
that when Moses crossed the Red Sea
he padded over in boat. The BugIe
said that it my wife dared tell how ]
treated her the community would be fiji
ed with horror, but anybody mi ght see
for themselves, who would notice, that
her back hair was all tbinncd out. And
it said that had wen on my leg that
untitled me for active duty anyhow,eyen
if had not forfeited all claim TO public
confidence by turning my grandfather
out Of doors when he was dying of con.
sumption, aud then setting my dog on
him and making the aged man roost in
a mulberry tree OH the coolest night
last winter, for fear OF being eaten up
People began 10 avoid me on the
street. The general impression prevail
ed that | was a hardened and desperate
villain. might have stood that, but
YOU know the way they levied on me
for expenses was awful. There was that
brass baud. kept that band in luxury
for three months and it used to come
around and serenade ne three nights in
the week and wake all the babies in the
neighborhoOd. | lost 200 votes in con-
sequence OF those Weakened babies. Then
the clubs would come and call me out
for speech, and when got through l.
would have to ask them in to feed and
they would stay there aud howl until 4
o'clock in the morning, and get drunk,
and fight, and smash the furniture, ard
bleed over the carpets. Then they would
assess ne for maSs-meeting and sd-
iourn. | haUded out the cash for pos
ters, and rum, and brass bands, and bar.
becues, and fireworks, and torchlight
professions, and for flags, aud the .4'-
gu. all the time accusing me OF buying
up votes aud having repeaters in my
pay.
The night of the election the brass
band aud the clab came around TO con-
gratulaie me on my success, and after
having final spree aud concluding
riot in the parlor | went TO bed, glad l
had won anyhow. The first thing saw
in the Bugie in the morning was the an
nouncement that the hoary headed chick
en- stealrr had been beaten by over g.