Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-04-14

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Its freedom from trouble and noise;
And keep your own fanciful leisure;-
But give ME MY THREE SPLENDID BOYS!
H NOR.
An insurance agent called into an estab-
lishment on Main street the other day,
with large account book under his arm,
and walking up to the proprietor in busl-
ness sort of way, he inquired: SLOWS
business-how's stock?" ''Oh, business
is very, very dull,'' returned the trades
man. "'Pon my word, sir, I havn't got
5000 in the house. Terrible dull" And
he paused and looked inquiringly at his
visitor. ''Only SCOOP" said the insurance
man in surprise. "'Pon my soul, sir"
said the dealer, 81 don't believe there's a
dollar more-look for YOURSELF" and the
man looked sad and sighed. "Then, sir
said the insurance man with good deal
of warmth, show does it come that your
stock is insured in our company for 81 500,
eh?" 'sOh alb beg your pardon % ex-
claimed the dealer in great confusion, II
thought you was the tax man was sure
you was the tax gatherer, or, pon my
soul, wouldn't a-said that, when, in fact,
my stock is worth fully $S,000-look for
Yourself, sir!"-Dayto1a Democrat.
An old sea captain, who was in the
habit of spending his time, while in FORT,
among set of hard drinking fellows, re-
turned to his hotel one evening in partly
intoxicated condition. In going up to his
room, he " alked out of one Of the windows
in the second story and landed upon the
pavement. Fortunately, he was not in
jured by the descent, and upon going back
into the house met the landlord. ''Look
here, Mr.. -,'' said he, 'sif you don't
shorten the steps in your stairs, won't
stop with you any more"
A citizen purchased some potatoes of
farmer the other day, and told him where
to deliver them and where to come for his
pay. The farmer entered the Office in
about an hour, aid the citizen said:
II am very sorry, but I had to meet a
draft at the bank, and amt"
''That's all right, interrupted the farm
er. II found your landlord setting your
household goods out on the sidewalk, and
I sold the vegetables to another man."
Darwin says the male grasshoppers use
their hind legs to fiddle on the edge of
their wings and that the best fiddler always
wins the affections of the female first.
Of icfc
that they have frequently noticed this, but
didn't think it worth while saying any
thing about it.
A story is extant of Martin Van Buren,,
who, when candidate for office, found his
wife weeping over bitter personal attack
upon him in one of the newspapers. why,
my dear,'' said the manipulating sage of
Undertook, 81 paid fifty dollars to have
that printed"
The Louisville Courier-Journal says
that poetic New Yorker, learning that
''Glen Mary" after his wife, concluded
that was just about the thing to do, and so
he calls his house 'sGlen Matilda Jane.''
"Cast iron sinks, -. is the legend on the
sign of a Hartford plumber. "Well, who
(hic) said it didn'tp'' was the inquiry of
an inebriated man of sin, who read it over
three or four times, and chuckled when he
thought he saw the point.
An Albany photographer says that at
eighteen girl will sit twelve times for
photograph and then be dissatisfied. At
forty the same person will sit once and
take the picture even if the artist points
out three or four defects.
A Western editor, hearing 1t remarked
that persons in a drowning condition sud-
denly recollected all the transactions of
their lives, wished that a few of his delin-
quent subscribers would take bath in
deep water.
An exchange says the centennial wash
board" has made it's appearance in the ru-
raj towns. ''and the women are weeping
and wringing their hands' to get hold of
it. Let soap they'll be successful.
Said conscientious auctioneer: ssLa-
dies and gentlemen, there's no sham about
the carpets they are genuine tapestry car.
pets. I bought them of old Tapestry him.
self
1t is believed to be owing to our finan-
cial difficulties that March, this year,
eyinced even more than usual liberality in
coming t'down with the -dust.''
A crOcuS stuck it's head I'D in its little
bed one morning and exclaimed 10 it's
neghbors "You lilac everything if you
say this amt spring."
Trying to do business without advertis-
ing is like syinking at a pretty girl in the
dark you may know what you are doing,
but nobody else does.
Ethelinda-"Mother isn't it wicked to
say, You be bowed as Algy does! Moth
er-"It,s worse than wicked, my dear-it's
vulgar!''
An old lady describes genius as ga man
what knows more'n he can find out, and
spills vittels Oh his clothes.''
AN editor returned a tailor'S bill; en-
dorsed - Declined = handwriting illegi-
ble.''
The shortest day,-the day you wed the
longest day,-the day you wish you
hadn't.
Wyandotte, Kansas, is said to be such
busy place that people date their letters
Y &.