, 1876-06-04
FEMININE ITEMS.

HDears-t talking" parties: Young 1adies' con-
tersaz;ones.-Nep York Commercial
Young Mistress: "It's your Sunday out
next week, Jane; isn't it7'' Jane. "Lor,'
Mum! Why you've forgotten. It's yours"
Irate wife (whose husband has returned home
late): snow, TIL just give you piece Of my
nlind.' Husband: "Don't my dear; you can't
spare it,"
Here the Legislature Of Kansas has gone and
passed Law taxing lady-dogs Sc per head,
while it taxes gentlcman-dogs only 81 per head.
It was New Jersey wife who said, My dear,
if you can't really drink bad coffee without
abusing me, how is It that you can always drink
bad whisky without abusing the barkeepcrF
At . medical examination young aspi1ant for
PHYSICIANS diploma was asked, "Wnen does
mortiication cnsue?'' 'ttWhcn you propose and
are rejected" WAS the reply that greeted the
questioner.
When Brigham Young finds that the biscuit
are burned and the meat is 0ycru0Dc, be puts
On his hat aud goes out md brings home new
wife. This course is calculated to make his
wives careful.
Intelligent housemaid: 'Oh, please, miss,
was out. Hc didn't leave no card, miss, but
can show you who he Is, 'cause there's three of
his photographs in your album"
A lady felt such charity for poor family TINT
she took oil her false hair aud sold i: for their
benefit. Then she went home and knocked the
chairs about until her husband purchased her u
switch costing twice as much.
"John," sail fond little wife, enthusiastic
ally, pointing out to her husband little shop
iu q fashionable street, 'twhen you die, I'm 60
ing to take the Hfe-insurance money! and buy
that little place, and set up rs milliner-"
Darwin SAYS the ssconinS man " will be bald
headed. This will be sad news to the coming
woman. Instead OF snatclliug her husband by
the hair, in family discussion, she will be
obliged to pour scaluing water down his buck.
It Is often said that woman has no talent for
business; but, when man goes home and 'nds
that his wife has swapped of his Sunday panta-
looms for patent tack-lamIncr and china
ornament for the mantel-picce, lie is compelled
to wonder at the genius that succeeded in get
ting the hammer thrown in.-lsoTacieh b'1tte1'-
Said Brooklyn wife to her husband, the
other day, "If you fail to produce, me the
money for new spring hat in three DAYS y'.o yoa
iu this wcrld-'' When le awolc tho next 'nor1-
inr he found his wife in the drcsstug-roqm e1-
crCisine with dumb-bel1s. The money Was
ssproduced ~ that night.
They tell Of Burlington woman who, when
her husband came home drunk, woited till be
went to sleep. Lhen LOOK nls o1lly Jaul VI pAuto
from him, aEd made them over into pair for
their 12-year-old boy, working nearly gu night p
middle Of the forenoon, ready to eat breakfast
and start out for another drink; but when lat
seen was wrapped in m old skirt, and bnd PROM
ised to join the Reformed Mems Club.
Happy Swain (she has "named the day,"):
i And now, dearest Edith, that is al settled:
With regard to iewclry, my love; would you
like u set in plain gold, or Edith (econon;,
ica1 aud courageous, and who suffers good
you ask mo-do you know-1-really-but-Mr:
Cincl told me yesterday that he could extract
aIl I have, and nut In . beautiful new set Tor
only fifteen guineas! l''-Pu'ch.
A alcGrcgor Qowa) man consulted one Nine,
Luduyico, ga yelled prophecies and inspired
sceress, II for information where he could lind
bis affinity, what she would look like, and how
he would know her when he met her: She de-
scribcd rayisllingly- beautiful and delightfully."-
rich young lady, and the grateful man paid her
double her fee. And then the veiled prophecies
removed her veil, and he knew his mother-in-
law. He rose to his feet withia cold, hollow
laugh, and went out into the street raving
MANIAC.