The Carbon advocate. [volume] (Lehighton, Pa.) 1872-1924, 1876-11-25
HUMOROUS.

"A tender subject railroad fuel.
"A beneficial strike: striking job
-Favorte jewery of horse fanciers-=-
studs.
"A very narrow aperture - The
crack Of whip.
To keep warm-Keep the furnace
"cOaled."
What class of people lie the most ?
Sluggards.
"A western settler The contents Of
siX-shooter.
Why is n compositor like cripple
Because he can't get along without
stick.
What must always be calculated
upon when we paint our houses "A
brush with painter.
What is the difference between
hOrse.racing and going to church p
One makes men bet, the other makes
them better.
Since the cardinal red floats behind
every other woman, three raise ups.
and sit-downs is the conventional for
getting seated In church.
"A correspondent writes "Wil al.
cohol clean silver ?" 1t will. Taken
regularly, fifteen or twenty times
day, it will soon clean ell the silver out |
OF your pocket.
-"What is Ingram Carpet ?" asks
an exchange. Mrs, Spikins says that
1t Is something that costs three dollars
or so yard, and has to be shut up in |
dark parlor to keep the moths out of it.
"A Yankee, describing an opponent
whose person was extremely thin, says:
81 will tell what, sir-that man don't
amount to sum in arithmetic; cast him
up, and there's nothing to carry"
"A young gentleman meeting
handsome mlkmaid in the country,
said, "What will you take for yourself
and your milk, my dear ?" The girl iD-
stantly replied, Your hand and a gold
ring, sir"
-"Get our, you ornithorhynchus -
The man departed meekly. "Who's
that2" inquired friend of the speaker.
"An ornithothynchus." "How's sthat?"
"Well, Webster defines him as beast
with a bill"
care you there, my love9" he whis>
pered through hole in the fence of his
beloyed's back yard. Eyes, darling"
was the reply, jump right over" He
did so, and alighted in the presence of
her mother, broOmstick and police
man.
"A wag tried to annoy a popular
preacher by asking him whether the
fatted calf Of the parable was male or
female. "Female, to be sure," was the
reply; "for / see the male" looking
the questioner full in the face, "yet
alive in the flesh before me-"
The sexton of parish in the county
Armagh was about to lose his wife She
begged him to bury her in Tyrone,
among her own kindred, 40 miles away.
''Indeed, Peggy" said he, "IHl thry
ye here first, but if ye give ony trouble,
III take ye up and bury ye in Tyrone"
-"How, my dear fellow, can make
Q girl love me, who is constantly de i.
voured by love of herself ?" asked a
young gentleman of his friend. "Oh,"
replied the latter, that is the easiest
thing in the world; just minister to her
self love until it itoveraows, all that runs
over will be yours.
-"How much will your new school
books cost, Johnny ?'' says father.
Johnny calculates to himself, soto voce,
''Lemme see; 81 cents for the singing
book, IS cents for O new 'rithmetlc,
Si.25 for pew geography 25 cents
for a hockey, harf dollar for a new
bat, and quarter for candy" Then
out loud says ; Bout four dollars,
pa II
What a poetcal way the ancient
had Of putting things. We read in
their pages that "Lyourgus, king of the
Edones in 1hrace, refused to worship
Bacchus, in consequence OF which the
god visited him with madness." Now
in our day the affair would read ely.
eurgus, king, etc., refused to Crink any
more whiskey, and in consequence had
the delirium tremens."
She stood In the door and watched
the departing form Of her own beloved
spouse, aud sighed at the thought that
size wouldn't ste him before dinner
time, and then she went sadly into her
boudoir and kissed the photograph OF
her first husband, whispering In soft
accents, "Oh | how changed is the
world to Te. He promised TO give me
ANEW silk, apd he's ordered home only
calico. Why did marry again 2"
"A fashion writer thus deals with
cardinal red "a stylish prlestess in
the temple of fashion looks very much
like q pTeambulating connagratiOn.
Lurid ribbons leap about her shapely
limbs, glowing tissues envelope her
head aud clasp her white throat in
blood red coils startling flames OF
light DAFT in and out, up and down he
garments, and even shine between the
sOit Kid OF her little boots" Aud no
insurance, either.