The Cairo bulletin. [volume] (Cairo, Ill.) 1872-1878, 1876-01-26
THAT CANE AND PIPE.
Capt him MOrrls Presented with n
..MawniMremi'' cane ana ss-SosS
for 0DueO

| INV WWss u-bYe-SOue
Captain Jim Morris IL The worst sol
man In America.
Captain Morris Is A. nvetcrate Joker
aud as the phrase goes, IN his happies
mode when "putting upa job" on som,
one OF his numerous friends. lie cal
laugh longer AMI heartier ut the disconii
ture Of friend than any man we eve
saw. OF late he has been playing trick
on some Of Ibis friends In this city. an,
they resolved to get even will, him. OF
IN other words, "pay him back in hi,
own coin"
Accordingly. for a day or two IL ha,
been quietly whispered around among
1.-THE boys" that Capt. Bob Kelley was
to he presented with n "magniticeni
gold-lcaded cane" and 4 .'handsome
pipe" The presentation was to take
place at the Planters House, and las,
evening the time. OF course the matte,
was to he kept from Capt. Kelley until
the last moment. but Capt. Jim Morris
was let into the secret, and was to be
present at the presentation.
In keeping with this arrangement, at :
o'clock last night crowd Of about forty
persons. all friends at Capt. Reilev--a
well as OF Capt. Morris IN the
dining groom at the Planters. aud mine
host Rexford. who fully understood
what was to follow, was fully
up to his work and played
his part well. Capt. Jim Morris was
on hand and as full of fun as log Is
Of neas. lie took his seat at the head OF
one OF the long tables, and. McCawbcr
like. waited to see what would "iurn
up"
When al had become quiet, Sam Eos.
ter rose aud read the following:
Ny H.hy Friend "Chim" Morris:
vos been abbointcd as shpokesmans
on dot Occashun 10 present you nit dot
pipe and dot cane. Dot pipe. mine
friend, vas, as you can see, Something's
grand und MAJESTIC. 1t vas a pipe yich.
from its abbearance, yon will
observe, has seen de light Of day for
more ash dwo or dree cendennials. Wv,
in fact, dot bipe II II don't vas made be.
fore de flood, vas certainly made since
dot time. anyhow. Dot vas so, so hclb
the grashus! IND mine friend. ven in
"Maden meditation fanny free you vas
schm0klng dot bipc, may dc pleasures
ylch II gives you, make you
ie'l like you vas got religion,
UNI vas gone right straight to heaven
ia hand basket, or Something's like dot.
Una 90, cane! Veil, my venerable friend.
gaze ubon de beauty and symmetry of
Got beautiful insect. Don't Il vas make
you feel habby to know dot cane vos
yonrs' nd dond Id vas make you feel
habby to know dot yeur friends vos rec.
oynizing lie fact dot you vos growing
old und worn Oud uRd decrepid, und dot
dey vos so Kind und thoughtful as to
give You Something's do subbort
your tottering ioodstcbs. Veil
II you don't you ought to, anyway. Ind
so my friend take dot bpe und dot cane.
nnd be happy; bat 'lond my friend. let
de fagt of your possessing such valuable
dlngs like dot make you feel bro,Id ,,nd
big, so dot yon dend vos could dell your
enemies from your friends. und dings
like dot. Amt dot so: You bed me ID
vos. IND so mine friend dot vos all,
but shtilI:I will say. aih shpokcmaas fer
dot crowd. dot We vos a lccdlc dry. nnd so
We don't care IL We yos took DRINKS of
lager init yon. Dot Is so my friends,
don't ed:
A. lie concluded reading, Foster
handed Capt. Morris two articles rolled
up in old newspapers. The captain rec
'eired and commenced nnwrapping the
largest bundle. when ont rolled the worst
specimen OF pipe We ever saw. II was
a mammoth thing-a pipe made out of
n walnut knot. and would hold at lea I
= quart OF tobacco.
The captain saw hc was sold.
He then unrOlled the second bundle,
and out came cane-a walnut slick. |
painted green, and ornamcnted with
,crap. OF tin and copper wire.
Captain Morris was worse sold and ac-
it. But lac was equal 10 the
and in n few well put remarks
accepted the cane and pipe, and wound
Up by inviting the crowd to stake some
hing" The crowd ''took something"
nd shortly after dispersed.
Captain Morris was the worst sold man
We ever saw, aud was honest enough TO
'wn it. But he will get even with the
,oys, mind If lac don't.