The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1876-06-09
A Warming TO Candidates.
TIE TRIBULATIoNs OF A MAN WHO AsPIRED
TO POLITICAL HoNoRs.


TO POLITICAL HoNoRs.
1t was just after the fall election that we
met him. His name was not Stretch, but
we will so designate him. He poured this
sorrowlul story in the ear of an attentive
and sympathetic listener
mo. sir; I'll never run for office again."
said Mr.. Stretch. "You know when they
came and asked me if I'd accept nomi-
nation to the Legislature they told me
that the whole community wanted me to
run and that / was certain to be elected
because was man whose character was
so good that nobody could find fault with
it. thought so myself, and agreed to run,
and accordingly they nominated me-
Well, sir, the very next morning the Arqus
came out with an assertion that had been
detected in stealing chickens, and it gave
full history of the case, together with
picture OF the chickens, and, after darkly
mining that since abandoning chicken
stealing had been continually engaged
in other forms of robbery, it asked if the
people OF this State wanted to see n chick
en- thief making laws for them. And the
mischief OF it was that did hook couple
OF chickens from my grandmother's coop
when was small boy but how'n the
thunder they ever found it out beats me-
1t was tifty-two years ago.
NOW, look at my nose 1t amt much
of nose for beauty, is it know we'll
enough it's crooked. But nobody ever al
luded to it until | was nominated, and
then the Argus said that there was a ira
dition that l had my nose mashed around
sideways during my career as prize fight
err although some people insisted that
had run it hard against door while was
drunk. And then all the illustrated pa
pers in the State began to publish pictures
OF me with nose like the jib, sheet of an
oyster sloop, only twisted around side
ways; and one of them said that when
sneezed on the front porch the conclusion
acted like boomerang and blew the back
door open.
"And then they tackled me about my
war record. You know | was out with
the militia. And the Argus published q
letter from man who said that during the
battle of Gettysburg | was hid in refrig-
orator in cellar in the town, pretending
that | was ordered there to mount guard
over some rations of cold beef And the
Argus asserted that the only manmuvre
was ever good at was falling back that
whenever the enemy was expected to he
approaching | always made II bee-linc for
Nova Scotia, and never turned up until af.
ter the fight but once, and then we were
surprised, and fired my muskct so wildly
that | shot our own colonel in the leg and
surrendered to an IIishman who belonged
to our regiment and who came up to me to
l1nt Inc Of Dol, ~. III Al,
truth wasn't much of a fighting man, but
how in the mischief they found out about
that refrigerator gets me. Awful, isn't liz
| wouldn't have minded it go much only
got up a poster and stuck it around the
streets and headed it 'Slretcl's War Re
cord and put ON it n picture of me with
II monstroua lopsidcd nose sitting inside
that refrigerator gnawing at bone out of
the roast beef.
"And then as the campaign went along,
they accused me of having deirium ire
mems, of beating my wife, of wiping my
nose on my sleeve, of robbing II bank, of
selling my dead aunt to Il medical college,
and of holding the doctrine that the whale
didn't swallow Jonah, and that when
Moses crossed the Red Sea he padded
over in boat. The Argus said that ifmy
wife dared tell how treated her the com
munity would be filed with horror, but
might see for themselves, who
would notice, that her back hair was all
thinned out. And it said that | had a
wen on my leg that untitled me for active
duty anyhow, even if had not forfeited
all claim to public confidence by turning
my grandfather out of doors when he was
Iuin AZ tt
my dog on him and making the aged man
night last winter for fear Of being eaten
up.
"People began to avoid me on the street
The general impression prevailed that /
was desperate and hardened villain.
might have stood that, but you know the
way they levied ON me for expenses was
awful. There was that brass band. kept
that band in luxury for three months; and
il used to come around and serenade me
three nights in the week and wake up all
the babies in the neighborhood. | lost
two hundred votes in consequence of those
awakened babies. Then the club would
come and call me out for u speech, and
when | would get through would have
to ask them in to feed and they would
stay there and howl until O'clock in the
morning, and get drunk and fight and
smash the furniture and bleed over the
carpets. Then they would assess me for
n mass meeting and adjourn l handed
out cash for posters and rum and brass and
barbacues and fireworks and torch light
professions and transparencies and for
flags, and the Argus all the time accused
me of buying up votes and having repea-
tiers in my pay.
"The night of the election the brass band
and the club came around to congratulate
me on my success and after having final
spree and concluding riot in the parlor,
went to bed, glad had won anyhow.
The first thing | saw in the Argus in the
morning was the announcement that the
hoary headed, chicken-stealer had been
beaten by 1000 majority, and would have
to keep his eccentric nose at home and
spend his time in rejecting that free
people would never elect to n responsible
office man who would tree his consump-
tive grandfather and traffic in the remains
of his aunt. SO that lets me out in poll
tics. When / run for office again you
chuck me right into an insane asylum"