The Middlebury register. [volume] (Middlebury, Vt.) 1850-1882, 1876-12-16
Smiths Woe.

He wss tall and slender, and clad in
the habiliments Of woe. He entered the
Office and took chair. Removing his
hat, he wiped the moisture from his eyes,
rubbed his nose thoughtfully for mo.
ment, put his handkerchief in bis hat, his
hat upon the floor, and said
"You didn't know Mrs. Smith? 2"
II hadn't that pleasure. Who was
she?"
"She was my wife. She's been sick
some time. But day before yesterday
she was took worse, and she KEEP on
sinking until evening, when she gave q
kinder sudden jump couple Of times
and then her spirit fickered. Dead, you
know. Passed away into another world.'
"I'm very sorry"
80 am 1. And l called around to
see if | couldn't get some of you literary
people to saw out some kind Of q poem,
describing some Of her peculiariites, so
that can advertise her in the paper"
II dunno; maybe we might"
"Oh, you didn't know her, you say
Well, she was sing'lar kinder woman.
Had strong characteristics. Her nose
was the crookedest in the State-all bent
around sideways. Old Capt. Bicder used
to say that it looked like the jibsail of an
oyster sloor on the windward tack. Only
his fun. you know. But Helen never
minded it. She said herself that it aimed
so much around the corner that whenever
she sneesed she blew down her back hair
There were rich depths of humor in that
woman. Now don't mind if you work
into the poem some picturesque allusion
to the condition of her nose. so her
friends will recognize her. And you
might also spend a verse or two on her
lame eye."
"What was tho matter with her eye 2"
"Gonc, sir, gone! Knocked out with
q chip while she was splitting kin'ling
wood when she was child. She fixed
it up somehow with glass one, and it
gave her the oldest expression you ever
saw. The false one would stand perfectly
still while the other one was rolling
around, so that bout half the time you
couldn't tell whether she was studying
astronomy or watching the hired girl
pare potatoes. And she lay there at
night, with the indisposed eye wide open,
glaring at me, while the other was tight
shut, 80 that sometimes Id get the hor.
rors, and kick her and shake her to make
her get up and fix it. Once l got some
mucilage and glued the lid down myself,
but she didn't like it when she woke in
the morning. Had to soak her eye in
warm water, you know, to get it open.
Now | reckon you could run iu some
language about her eccentricities of Wis
ion, couldn't you? Don't care what it
is, SO that l have the main facts"
"Was she peculiar in other respects 2"
"We'l, yes. One leg was gono-run
over BY a wagon when she was little.
But she wore a patent leg that did her
pretty we'll. Bothered her sometimes,
but most generally gave hor good deal
Of comfort. Sho was fond Of machinery.
And then, you know, che could take it
off at night and stand it on the hat.raok
in the entry, and go to bed with only one
cold foot. She was very grateful for her
privileges. Although sometimes it wor.
ried her, too. The springsd work wrong
now and then; and maybe 10 church her
legd give squirt and begin to hammer
away at the board in front OF the pew,
until it sounded like boiler factory.
Then Id carry her out, and most likely
it'd kick at mo all the way down the
aisle, and end up by dancing her around
the vestibule until the sexton would re.
buke her for waltzing in church. Seems
to me there's material for poetry in that,
isn't there? She was a self.willed wo-
man. Often when she wanted to 20 to
sewing bee, or to gad about somewhere,
maybe I'D stuff that leg up the chimney
or hide it in the wood pile. And when
l wouldn't tell her where it was, do you
know what she'd do3"
"What7"
why, she'd lash an umbrella to her
stump and drift of down The street 8 il
that umbrella was born there, You
couldn't get ahead of her She was in.
genious. I've known her, when the baby
was playing with the potato-masher, to
unbuckle that leg and use it for mashing
take it by tho knee, and work the
joint backward and forward splendidly
So l thought Id mention few facts to
you, and you can just throw 'em together
and mako them rhyme, and I'll call round
and pay you for them. What day
Tuesday, Very we'll; I'll run in on
Tuesday, and sec how you've fixed hel
up"
Then Mr Smsth smoothed up his ha,
with his handkerchief, wiped the accu
mulatod sorrow from his eyes placed hil
hat upon his head, and sailed serenely
out and down the stairs toward his desc
lated hearthstone.