The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-02-19
CREAM OUR EXCHANGES.

The Marscilcs Hcfdtu rashly advertised Tor
poem Oh the Beautiful RAIN" and had ode
ugc In consequence. The most promising
the lot opens thusly:
Our debts are unpaid on account OF bad road
We can't even pay up our taxes.
Splendid, good weather for craw6sh aud toad
And to give our poor horses the scratches.
The Herald has withdrawn its adverts emcn
convinced that the season is not favorable
poetic inspiration in that direction.
St. Louis now has two Mayors, the people ha'
ing elected one and the city council another. II
stead OF being proud Of it, however, ST. Loui
seems to feel over it like Artemas Wards DO
who could conceive Of no calamity wuss thai
two fathers"
Captain Boyton amused the people OF Alton
and st. Louis last week by swimming from thu
former to the latter city in his India rubber ar
mour. Tho only danger he encountered was
that Of being harpooned By q Texan VINO misto'b
him for a western Texas frog
The trouble with Winslow Seems to have been
discontent with his name, lie wanted to win
isst-Free Press,
Or. Hickey, who lives at Milford, up in Mime
sota, met Carrie Andrews one day, and conclud.
ed she was the girl for him, and size 'cas. lie
dropped q note TO her, asking her to meet him
uy moonlight alone in a certain place, and she
replied she would be there. So they met. Be
meath the Doctors vest there WAS rapidly beat
ing heart, and beneath Carries ST awl there was
rapidly beating rawhide, which did good duty
that night over the Doctors face, head and
shoulders. The Doctor thinks 1t would be nice
TO be clad in the mail OF a teJrapin.
Here is beautiful fable, designed to illustrate
The case OF the radical politicians at Washington
prevailing on Pierrepont to address Il circular to
the poor whisky devils caught in Brstow's trap,
sdmonsblng them not 10 squeal:
"You must really exercise patience" said an
old rat to q brother that had been caught in n
zap; "no doubt II is painful, but squcaling will
DO you no good whatever, and 1t Is very distress
ing to Us to hear" You are mighty compass
sionate" said the prisoner, trying to ease his leg
"Oh. assure you, feel beyord all description
for YOU" said the old rat; can enter into your
sufferlngs most fully; but you sec, notwith.
standing that gricve so acutely. can command
myself and behave with moderation" VERY
fnem replied the captive; II could do the same
if were sitting at my case looking ut you in
this trap but doubt exceedingly IL your phil
Osophy would hold out II you we're here instead
u there"
There's a chap In New Orleans who says he
knows way to blow up whole navy and not
come within five miles OF il, and he wants TO sell
his invention for $4,000. Robson knows a way
10 destroy whole navy and not come within SO
miles OF it, and make $4,000 week out Of It be-
sides. His way is to steal the appropriations
and let the navy rot. The New Orleans man is
Of no account
Major Joe Wbnm, Logan's right hand man,
former commissioner of the pententary ut JOLT
ct and agent to disbursc certain appropriation
10 the Teton-Sioux Indians, after hiding for few
months from Bristows sleuth hounds, turned up
at Cairo last week with an order on the post
master for pay as mail route clerk. Joe must
be taken care of. IL will never do to let men
suffer who know too much.
The Russian minister in Lodon, Count Schou.
Yalof. came so near being killed on the Great
Northern railway n fortnight ago that the duke
Of Edinburgh and the whole diplomatic corps
thought IL proper to go and congratulate him
on his escape. common Biton would have
been allowed to Shovelof his mortal coil with.
out attracting any such attention.
American industry triumphs. A Michigan
town last season shipped sixty tons Of llmburgcr
cheese which was SO loud that people along the
railroad thought il was hurrahng for the Cen.
tennial.
An Ohio woman has knit one hundred and
thirty tides and given them to poor people, and
now she feels that some one else ought to take
hold and buy rocking chairs to hang the tides on
II you don't believe there is any kindness In
this world commit murder and sec how good the
sheriff will be to you until you are hanged He
won't offer you anthing below roast chicken.
Anna Dickinson is going to Cuba to recuba.
rate. The physicians say she needs rect, and
the people have often Intimatcd to her TO give
them a rest
Here Is some comfort for the temperance peo-
pie. John Allen, the Ohio centcnnarian SAYS he
Was never sick in his life, never married, and
never drunk. Lots Of people could Keep sober
Il they had no wife &c worry them.
Hogs are dying in woodfOrd county from some |
singular disease that has thus far baf,icd every
attempt at a cure. Hogs die OF very common |
disease about here-they are stuck in the neck.
The first fruits of leap year shine forth in the
ease OF Miss Bella Harper, Of Farhayen. ". Va
who shot a man because he refused her oiler Of
marriage.
II is authorltiycly stated that ConklinC has re.
.igned all thoughts Of securing the presidential
nomination, and Will devote himself to Grant
He says that he can never, never SO long us
memory holds its seat In the senate-no, the
brain,-forget the time when Blaine called him
d cockranch. And as he toys with his spitcurI.
he mumbles: Revenge is sweet. Yum, YUM
Times.
II is noted that New York actress recently
died leaving an accomplished husband without
visible means OF support. Women seem TO be
getting more thoroughly heartlcss every year.
Texas farmer named Wade says he caught a
rabbit on his place the other day having on its
head seven horns. But before we believe this
story, we want TO know how many "horns" Wade
had In bis own head when he looked at the ami.
mal.-forris,oicn Herald
Mrs. Allyn, Of Hartford, wife OF the er.Nnyor.