Middletown transcript., 1876-11-11
8urllorous.
WHY LIFE WAS a BURDEN TO HIM.

WHY LIFE WAS BURDEN TO HIM
Some time ago Cooley caught young
man who was just about to jump from
the wharf into the river. As be seized
him be saw that it was Jim Kelley,
and be said:
"Why, Jim, what are you trying to
doT
Il reckon it's for the BEST" said
Jim perhaps I'd better not do it
after all. Why, I was going to COM
init suicide"
.sSuicidep exclaimed Cooley. "Why
what on earth is the matter with you
Are you crazy, drunk, or poor 2
mo-
In love. may be, and disappointed 2
mo-
We'll, what's troubling youY
We'll, tell you,' said Mr.. Kelley.
1t don't seem 80 mach now, but it
bothered me awful awhile ago. Why,
you see, I was sitting in my room up
in the boarding house there, and I got
to thinking thought what if | was
to fall in love some time with red
haired girl, and I was to marry her,
and what if she should give birth to
twins with the same kind Of hair. And
s'pose those twins should grow up, one
named Isaac and the other Jacob, and
s'pose Jacob should want to 60 to sea
for a sailor and we let him 60, and be
should get wrecked on the Cannibal
Islands, and the cannibals should take
fancy to him and adopt him as an
idol, and set him up in temple.
sAnd s'pose after while be should
gradually kinder get into their ways Of
living and should become a cannibal
himself And s'pose Isaac he should
marry and raise family Of children,
and one Of his boys should go to sea
and should be cast ashore on the island
where his uncle Jacob was acting as
idol, and these cannibals should kill
him and cook him, and offer some Of
him to Jacob, and Jacob should eat him
and want more. And then s'pose the
government should rout out these sava-
ges, and send Jacob home, and he
should have acquired such taste for
Isaac's children that he should get to
nibbling at the rest Of them, and Isaac
should ketoh him at it, and suspect him
and accuse him and Jacob should then
kill that other haired twin and eat
him, and then eat all the children, and
finally eat his mother and me, and then
start out to swallow up his aunts and
uncles, and other relations, until be
cleaned up the family!
IT was so awful that / couldn't bear
to think Of it, and SO thought I would |
just block that heathsn's little game by |
drowning myself before the thing went
any further
But why didn't you block it by re-
solving to marry some other woman !?
asked Cooley You needn't marry a
red-haired woman unless you want to-
That's so,' replied Mr.. Kelley, re-
fectively. 4 never thought Of that.
But s'pose I was to marry another
woman, how do I know she wouldn't
have son who would grow up and be-
come prize-fghter, and would get up
fights for the championship, and, Of
course, I'd have to bet all my money
on my own boy, and he'd be licked and
I'd loose and be brought down to pow
ertv in nv old age, while he'd be 50
grieved that he'd murder somebody to
get the money back for me again. and
I'd happen to be elected sheriff just
before be was tried and convicted, and
it'd be my duty to hang him! Hang
my own child Think Of that. will you?
don't think / could stand it. l be-
lieve I'll commit suicide any way if
you'll let me alone"
Then Cooley led him away, and re-
him to remain single and
to let his fancy have play in writing
stories for the papers. But Kelley
seemed bent on courting an awful doom
and he proposed, on the following Mon
day, to Butterwick's oldest daughter,
although she has red-hair. She refused
him, and he told Cooley on the next
day that be was cleared up on the Isaac
and Jacob business anyhow, and be
thought may be be might stave of the
other calamity by keeping out Of politics
and deciding never to run for Sheriff.
Max Adler.