Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1876-08-09
Humorous.

IF you want to have the people
claim you as relative when you die,
leave little money behind you.
A POPULAR actress who died recently
left an unprotected husband without
any visible means of support.
A BROOKLYN druggist has made an
other fatal mistake" and killed a
customer by labelling a bottle wrong
WHY is " keep your powder dry"
like a Russian town? Because it's a
! Warsaw.
+ A MODEST essayist defines "gossip"
to be the putting of two and two to-
gether and making five of them"
AN insectologer has discovers that
the best time to examine the wonderful
architecture Of the hornets nest is af-
ter the hornets have moved out.
IT takes the Chinese to get along with
the Indians. The average pig-tail can
cheat red-skin out of his scalp with
out his knowing. .os
GINA, DEAR" said an intelligent pet,
what do they play the organ so loud
for when church is over? Is it to wake
us up?" sas@ ~
| THERE are $4,000 miles of railroad
in the States, and man without mon
ey would be kicked about 81 500 times
while making the ruund trip. Thus
figures the Detroit Free Press.
AN acre Of watermelons in the South
yields profit of 500 to the growers.
Yes, and when that acre of water
melons gets up North, it yields profit
of 500 to the square rod to the doctors.
In the window of shop in an OBJ
scure part Of London is this announce
ment: Goods cleaned, messages tax
en-, carpets beaten, and poetry compos-
ed on any subject" 8'''a '7a
THERE is lady, the widow of a Pa
ciic Coast millionaire, residing at one
of the leading Chicago hotels, whose
"extras" each week amount to over
500. And yet people think the times
hard. @D s''
A SOUTH BosToN man has been ar
rested for playing the cornet, and Judge
Burbank is puzzled whether to adopt
the sentiment of the neighborhood and
fay him alive, or lock him up in a room
with man who plays the flute.
/ "YoU mustn't think, boys" remarks
! Viz VI Jul OIdOOIS, GIldG you
can slosh around with a Ratchet and
become great men. If George Wash
ington had used cheese knife, it
would have been all the same. Brook
lynn Argus
A BosToN physician says that blow
ing comets or trombOnes is the best
exercise women can take for the pur-
pose of expanding their lungs and MAX
ing themselves straight. P'raps. But
they must let corsets and whalebones be
/ bowed first.
A LITTLE four-year- rod girl in New
| York street car, in turning into Fulton
street, said, This is Fulton street." On
being asked how she knew, she intend
ed to answer ''by inspiration" but the
hot weather affected her to the extent
of her saying" knew it by perspira-
ton" .5iaF s2iteaza 800 % .
AUSTIN ReveiAe: This was told us by
a prominent member of the Sazerac
Lying Club Wasn't it rough on Ella,
just as she was telling Frederick, at
lunch, how ethereal her appetite was, to
have the cook bawl out, Say, will yer
| have yer pork and green's now, or wait
| till yer fellers gomez"
/ AN exchange wants ladies to take off
their hats in church, but as long as half
the ladies go to church for the purpose
of displaying their hats, it is hardly pos
| sible that the suggestion will be adopted
| unless a glass case is p aced along
side of the pulpit for their accommo-
dalton, and the name of the owner is
| prominently affixed TO each hal.
A LITTLE boys father gave him two
cents to spend for candy, the 9TH
er to give to the heather. He present
ly lost one of the cents, but cconsoled
himself with the thought that the one
which was lost was the one which was
to be given to the heather Hence the
falling-of of contributions for the
heather. 8 of al 81 te 4HaiT 95Eu6T
9 Take that lamp up" said mother
to her daughter the other night, as the
young lady set out for her bedchamber
with no Illumination but that Of her
bright eyes. '"Good gracious, mother"
was the laughing answer, "what kind
of a creature is a lamb pupw "a
| lamb pup, my child, is the offspring Of
a sheep dog. Good night. Take the
lamp" 7'A9
l. AL tudo AOdu1 udU, dill tlldG CoHSdT
could, you have and can do. Adam
called his house heaven and earth;
Caesar called his house Rome; you per-
haps call yours cobbler's trade, hun
dred acres of plowed land, or schol-
airs garrett Yet, line for line and point
for point, your dominion is as great as
theirs, though without fine names.
Build, therefore, your own world. SAL
| IT was a Paris restaurant where he
had dined with friend and given the
waiter twenty franc piece to pay for
the meal The waiter returns, and,
ringing the coin on the marble table,
says Sir, it is bad bad n cries
the guest; " don't you see the date
1885? If it were bad, do you, think
they would let it remain in circulation
SO long?' sel1 Eas 777sa 80 .fa7'aEs
| Our readers will thank us for the fol-
lowing sure preventive against hydro
phobia in dogs: Boil three tablespoon