Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1876-04-28
"Cousin sally billiard"
AN OLD, BUT GOOD STORY, OF A NORTH CAR
oLINA COURT.

OLINA COURT.
A beardless disciple of Themis arose and
thus addressed the court: MAY ii please
your worships, and you, gentlemen OF the
jury, since 1t has been my fortune (good or
bad will not say,) TO exercise myself In
legal disquisitoDs, it has never before be-
fallen me to be obliged to prosecute so dire
rul, marked and malicious an assault-a
more direful, wilrul, dangerous battery;
and finally, more diabolical breach of the
peace 1t has seldom been your duty to
pass upon one SO shocking TO benevolent
feelings, as that which took place over at
Captain Rice's in this county. But you
will hear from the witnesses"
The witnesses being sworn, two or three
were examined, and deposed: One said
that he had heard the noise and did not see
the fight another that be saw the row, but
didn't know who struck first, and a third,
that he was very drunk, and couldn't say
much about the scrimmage.
Lawyer Chops-"I am very sorry, gen.
temen, to have occupied your time with
the stupidity of the witnesses examined.
Had known, as 1 now do, that l had a
witness in attendance who was well ac-
quaintod with all the circumstances OF the
case, and was able to make himself clearly
understood by the court and jury, should
not so long have trespassed on your time
and patience. Come forward, Mr.. Harris,
and be sworn"
So forward came the witness, fat, club
by looking man, "leetle" corned, and
took his oath with an air.
Chops-"IIarris, we wish you to tell about
the riot that happened, the other day, at
Captain Rice's; as good deal of time has
been already wasted in circumlocution, we
wish TO be compendious, and at the same
time as explicit as possible"
Harris-"Exactly"- the lawyer a
knowing wink, and at the same time clear
ing his ;hroat-"Captain Rice" he gin
treat, and Cousin Sally billiard, she came
over to our house and axed me If my wife
she moutn't go. l told Cousin billiard that
my wife was poorly, being as how she had
a touch Of the rheumatics on the hip, and
the big swamp was in the road, and the
big swamp was up, for there had been a
heap of rain lately, but howsomever, as it
was she, Cousin Sally billiard, my wife she
Inout go. Well, Cousin Sally billiard then
asked me if Nose he moutn't 60. told
Cousin Sally billiard, Nose he was the fore
man of the crap, and the crap was smarlly
in the grass; but howsomever, as it was
she, Cousin Sally Dillard, Nose he mout
CO."
Chops-"In the namo of common sense,
Mr.. Harris, what do you mean by this rig
n, H.. l., oi.o
riot?"
Witness-"Captain Rice, he gin a treat
and Cousin Sally Dillard-"
Chops-"Stop, sir, if you please; we
don't want 10 hear anything about Cousin
Sally Dillard and your wife--tell US about
the fight at Rice's."
Witness-"Well, will, sir, if you will
let me-"
Cbops-"Well sir, go on.'
Witness-Well, Captain Rice he gin
treat, and Cousin Sally billiard she came
over TO our house and aXed me if my wife
she moutn't go"
Chops-"This is intolerable. May it
please the court, move that this witness
be committed for contempt; he seems to
be trifling with this court
Court-"Witness, you are now before a
court of justice, and unless you behave
yourself in a more becoming manner you
will be sent TO Jail so begin and tell what
you know about the fight at Captain
Rice's."
Witness (alarmed) gentlemen,
Captain Rice he gin treat, and Cousin
Sally Dnlard-"
Chops-"I hope the witness may be Or
dered into custody"
Court (sfter deiberatine)-"Mr Attor-
ney, the court is of opinion that we may
save time by telling the witness to go on in
his own way. Proceed, Mr.. Harris, with
your story-but stick to the point"
Witness-"Yes, gentlemen; well, Cap
tain Rice he gin treat, and Cousin Sally
billiard she come over TO our honse and
axod me if my wife she couldn't so. told
Cousin Sally billiard that my wife she was
poorly, being as how she had the rheumat-
les in the hip, aud the big swamp was up;
but howsomever, as il was she, Cousin Sal
ly billiard, my wife she mout go. Well,
Cousin Sally billiard then she asked me if
Nose he mount go. told Cousin Sally
Dillard as Nose he was foreman of The
crap, and the crap was smartly in the grass,
but bowsomever, as it was she, Cousin Sal
| ly billiard, Nose he mout go. So they goes
on together, Nose, my wife, and Cousin
Sally billiard, and they come TO the big
swamp, and it was up, as was telling you,
but being as how there was a log across the
big swamp, Cousin Sally billiard, and Nose,
| like gentle-folks, they walked the log, but
my wife, like drafted fool, tucked up her
clothes aud waded right through, catched a
cold, and has had the rheumatics ever
since, and that's all 1 know about the
| fobt -