The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1876-04-02
SryENlI0AX: A ROMANCE.
,ggltT fUERfC.iN NOTEL ~ SEV-
-, tH.IPTLHS or HOIXES.

,... o.! Ambition. l. Ne. speculation. Dis
commitment, usd vicb0iicai Revenge.
uoNN Iua FIRST.
s,,.h hoax was ~ MISUNDERSTANDING village
,.,,, marta hy nprthe,-trrn corner " au nm
~, lr-.4,c. II 10 tt'd sever mills, large
.tf.ir.h.ne nlnshouse. and circulating II
Nn..Isc'y c14iauing the published
l.a, fas ceiehritri poet and novelist rup
.ruo.ud. owing tn the diligence with which
,hs.e ,.,ks were reld by the Inhabitants Of
s,,en.lix. the almshouse was overcrowded
.,, p.ur.r- ~ various Il ,fes OF insanity-from
a.. will itnatics who had real one two
r,inr,.s only tn the hopeless idiots who had
taken a complete course.
Au,no n.nuyjluks was tho craziest pauper In
hs,p.tuution. lie had onse been an Inventor
a, great talent aud industry. All had gone
velv!tt hin until n er mia wedding. In an
evil hour be oeg,n to read aloud - bis wife
u" Timothy Titcomb's Letters to Young Married
Peopl," In conseq renee OF this indisoretion
M. BennyInk. was driven Into the grave,
.rus u.nnvhnks became a RiDbering idiot.
rheirtrfant son Harry. who was too young to
r.et ~, nnd .rst,nl rupper Hollands writings,
alone csc ped
r,o sav,nhoax Al nsh 1uso vas unior the be-
nev,l,nt ad,ni lis.ratpn Of an apo plectio gem
tleman named Old Bai-r. VINO had theory that
the best diet Tor insane paupers was sawdust
uoi.tensl with ci.tern water.
The author desires to call the attention OF tho
thonsh,lll reader 10 the grand truth that saw
aust Is not nutriliye, even wnen moistened with
cistern water
HOAX THE SECOND.
Col Rohert u lser wls the maRnite Of Seven.
hoax Ne owueI the entire village, including
Old BaG It and the alnshouse. II was he VINO
had end WED the circulating library 1t was
from hts sawm' II that ths sawdust was furnished
las contract prces) for the slstenance Of the
demented poor.
Col. BIser lssed with all the world dnclud-
Ing his wife md childrenl "a a hard. stern. prac
rcal m,n. Yet he nsd his hours OF sentiment.
Of soul warnings. Alone IN the privacy Of his
Uwu ApArtmeut the ulOncl would sometimes
uuoeud. la these moments ot re! ahation IL WAS
lis weakness To Z tud ON ms head before tuli-
length mirror, aud braid lie % Ike a whip
LASH, at the same time ddressina to his i'm age
In tie glass ran sctipns Ike these:
Rev, Did Busey, my nny HOw's that for high,
low j.ck. s1ncno. pedro, ana gamer Thy
heels are symmetrical, Is igeN and thy pockets
are GIsh. oid ro'ste J Buy aud sell them city
m.lIouaires, On. lgeyI be President. YOU sly
oil dog. or Governor, or king Of New jersey, II
you'll only take the trub You must cit ont of
ksvenno.x before long-too big a man for this
ranch What do you say to Wait street. Bilgey ?
Open your optic Tor the Colonel when tie gets
Alter one Of these isre 'ious soliloquies the
Colonel would slowly I'M raid his less. throw a
back ou,er-ault, set himself at his desk and
should forrclose the next day. He was sudden
~ the tcal man ~ business again.
Col. Robert Bilger W ~ nat gentleman. Cen
Nsmen do not stand on their heads before pier
glasses and admire the symmetry 4 their heels.
riches been ootanedY Bv de cit, which u
wrong, and fraud. wulcn is also wrong, and dis
honesty. wiich Is really ,eDr hensiule. The FOL
loving partit liars VIII make Apparent to the
we kes, mind the improper nature Of the Colo
IN. browning result Of Apollo BENNY links :
genius as the Invention OF a patent oootJack
crowned heads Of Error'e and Asa. The Shn an
Of Persia is sad to have remarked tn At the len
nsIinks B1OtJick " the ouly bootJack which
could reiunVU a tight n4tnbsr nine boot with
due consideration Tor his M Jestic corns. lie
IN refors ordered four dozen to be sent c. o. ID.
Now OBSERVE the calculating ingenuity OF
Bilser. When the inventor aO,le to ain for
capital that he mlgnt be atle u I'LL the Sh al :
order the Colonel consented and built oO)t
11ck mill At sevenhoaT. Then he presented 10
Bennyjtnks the fatai copy Of " limotny lit
oonDs letter. to YOuug Married People In
six ~reAs. rs has aiteady been aed, Mrs. Ben-
nj nss was n the cola ground, \ apollo was In
tie in.ane4t ward of the nlm,honse. and the
long-h-a led uut diapolical Colo eel VAS maxim,
money hand over h,t AS the sole proprietor OF
what. with suurrule assurance, he nov called
the bigger BOotJaok.
HOAX THE THIRD.
Jim Pontoon, an uncouth tut noble minded
backwoOdsnan. earned an honest living by trap
ping niupopotani IN tie primevai forest. tryin.
them out, and bedding the oil Tor ouins ant
Ecslds. lie was all initatOf VI a celebrated poe
One dsy While visiting Old Buffers est bli-h,
ment In the hope OF dong bi Of business 18th
the inmates, ne saw anc recognized Apollo Ben
nyiinks. La their younger days ne nd Apollo
LAD together on.sed Tue shy aud elusive hippo
m,-jiminyl" said tue loony inventor.
WA, | swan" exclaimed jim. How are
Hush whispered the maniac, "Im in hell
Its he'll hell. bell nothing but Timothy Tt
comb from morning to night"
"Clar case ~ emotional, mused the back
woods nan. Too much Iupper aggravated
ye and lake ye 10 to Number Nine. Plney
woods M niepopot lie Is good Tor yer com
jim dA good heart under rough exterior
THIS ~ often the case.
is II hell In Numher Nine" asked the luna
&C. ca erly. DO they re d Timothy iiicomDi
le',ers To Young MART people up there ?"
Nj much" remarked Jim soothingiy II
the fl.t place We amt rittin' married 80 CO
e4ru,hcF as We was. Secondly, We Can
"l'n CO." excl lined the cerebrally crooked
bur now ipvfui inventor
A week iaiar jim Puntoon visited the Seven
hoax Almsnouse ~ the dead Of night. craw lee
Into toe uaauousr trroAgh the keyhOle, ant
walked 0f to Nun Der Nine with Apollo Beunv
lnks 1910. - MS arm. aud me chnd Harry IN hi
Jun nsd named his plantation Number Nine
n homer q The shan q pet-ias boots.
once iu the nee. Nltalziug air ~ the back
"opN-, NE untpruui'r hna IL began 20 re
heai M iippoDntuin 'i- oil Under TINS n4i!d anl
bthru,iAl tiea meLt Ms mental machinery be
kab D" move ataii' or thlngly at hrst, but easie
Wien the di,appe rance OF the inventor be
Gam AuQNn in sryenh AZ Old BaIer went 81
y NJ. We snail nave no more 10 say u Ole
bultr VINO Nis q hAd man aud wheezY eNcep
10 oraw striking general cation from his case.
iad msn arO sometimes wheezy aud, on tn
oher maud. II must De admitted by all candle
hhu luie llReht thinkers tnat wneezY uen arr
hDneNmes bad. Think OF tots.
Nplnurl bllser was the arty most interes s(
" Tue inventors ountinusd incarceration WheI
&c heaid ~ he escape ne stood upon his heaI
nelYIe 'ne glass snl impatiently beat the All
WIN us stocking ieet IN - nj Vi bootless veXa
Bat mis- did not bring Bennyjinks back again
nnu as people began to whisper unpleasan
tnlhgs about the Colonel ana to throw apple
SVie7 ana peach. stones at him as he rode b, IL
IIs pussii and In Other - to iusinuate tina
~ mao nullived his usefulness In SeyennoaX, th
~'onel concluded 10 move to New York, wher
lie WASH known.
hut he dii not move until he had swind %
eNeA 10 ~ SON Of his fellow citizens Dy In
r'hs lhVm 60 Invest tl37 0d each In a bogu
h'vvnr Puury In II rlem Flats
nhtn ms isliuw citizens discovered that the
sau ute! nau bpuzled, and that the Colonel hA
uu'Fu, lhey Oururd min In eth y, aud passes
toTly
HOAX THE FOURTH
Not long after this occurrence the New Yor
~" ulI+ ptuers had the following Announce
~7"' 'h editorial Typ, double loaded:
80 h'n'n b yer, the manufacturer Of the eel,
IL 4' -lF i,IutJacA o. ia tJNn IL ~ ruul0rrd tug
"