The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1876-05-25
GRIEF-AN EXCITING CONTEST

| HAohA tAC AllauClpuId DuilCtAu.
We have doubts about tine following
story, which comes to US from the in
terror; but the author is responsible
for what he says, and his name can be
obtained upon application at this ofiic.
Last winter two of my neighbors,
Mr.. Miller and Mr.. Grant, lost their
wives upon the same day, and both
funerals took place three days after
wards, the interments being made at
the cemetery about the same hour. AS
the two funeral parties were out OF
the burying ground, Miller metGrant,
and clasping each others hand they
INDUCED in sympathetic squeeze.
and the following conversation en-
sued:
Miller, "Pm sorry for you. It's an
unspeakable loss, isn't il 2"
Grant. "Awful! She was the best
wOmaun that ever lived"
Miller. ',She was indeed, I never
met her equal. She was good wife
to me-"
Grant. 81 was referring to my wife.
There couldn't be two best, you know .
Miller. "Yes know, know well
enough that your wife couldn't hold a
candle to mine."
Grant. "She couldn't hey? Couldn't
hold candle. Why she could dance
oil uouu1 NTro M;llo. oyor., ,lo,, -, i,,o
week, including Sundays, and not half
try! She was an unmitigated angel,
take he any way you would"
Miller. "Oh, she was, was she? Well
I don't want to be personal, but if l
owned cross eyed angel with red
hair and no teeth, and as bony as an
omnibus horse, I'd kill her if she didn't
die of her own accord. Dance! How
could woman dance that had feet
like candle boxes, and lame at that ?"
Grant. "Better be cross-eyed than
wear the kind of a red nose that your
wife fourished around this communi-
tv. bet it'll burn hole through the
coffin lid. And you pretend you're
sorry she's gone. But you can't i'm
pose ON me! 1 know you're so glad
you can hardly hold in. She was the
chuckle-headedest woman that ever
disgraced graveyard: that's what
she was"
Miller. eff you abuse my wife III
knock you down."
Grant. "I'd like to see you try it,"
Then the two disconsolate widowers
engaged in a hand.to hand combat,
and, after tussling awhile in the snow,
the mourners pulled them apart, just
as Mr.. Miller was about to insist upon
his wife's virtues by biting off Mr..
Grants nose.
When they got home Mr.. Grant tied
Grape upon all his window-shutters,to to
show how deeply he mourned and as
Miller knew that his grief for Mrs.
Miller was deeper, he not only decor
ated his shutters, but he fixed five
yards of black bombazine on the bell
pull and dressed his whole family in
mourning. Then Grant determined
that his duty to the departed was not
to let himself be beaten by man who
couldn't feel any genuine sorrow, so
he sewed black flag on his lightning
rod and festooned the front of his
house with black alpaca.
Then Miller became excited, and he
expressed his sense of bereavement by
painting his dwelling black, and by
putting up monument to Mrs. Miller
in his front yard. Grant therenpon
stained his yellow horse with lamp
black, tied Grape to his cows horn,
daubed his dog with ink and began to
wipe his nose on a black handkerchief.
AS soon as Miller saw these proceed
ings he spread layer of charcoal all
over his front yard, he assumed Il
black shirt, he corked the faces of his
family when they went to church, and
he hired cOlored man to stand on his
steps and cry for twelve hours every
day. just as Grant was about TO see
this and go in one better he encounter
ed Miss Lang. young lady from the
city, and in couple of weeks they
were engaged. Then he began to take
in the evidences of his grief, and this
made Miller SO mad that he went
around and proposed to Miss Jones,
an old maid, who never had an offer
before. She accepted him on the spot,
and they were married the day before