The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-09-16

LanuIuutt
the cardinal principles of the republican party
and Bob Ingersoll says 1t is fraud, which show
there are little differences Of opinion in SOM
parties as well as others.-Ch. Times.
A generous granger near Mendoza, on leaving
home for a six months tour to Europe, left di
rections that the fruit OF fine apple orchard oil
his farm should be given to the preachers ant
editors OF Mendoza And now 1t is a touching
spectacle, every day or two, to see six solemn
looking men, in borrowed buggcs, vending
their way out to said apple orchard, filling theil
buggy boxes, pockets, hats and shirt bosom:
with apples, aud staidly driving home Tn,
abundance OF the fruit has thus far prevented 9
fight over the division.
"Reform within the party is thus pictured
by the COurierJ0urnal:
-Four wears ago we rallied round the flag;
-Four years ago we indicated Grant;
O, give us four years more TO hold the swag-
FourYears of homes! Hayes is all we want.
Chorus by L. S. c.
II you see an honest man,
Kick him out
Kick kim OUT
II you see an honest man
Kick him out
Here's the way lie Courier DIES OpelouSuS La
tells the old story: NJ. Oscar A. Rice, lie car
pet-bagger qui avit reussi voir lcxcellente
place dc collector du revenu inteIne en- notre
paroisse, il y trois GU quaire ans ct qui derni-
erement etait collector de district Went de de-
camper ayec unit sou.me de SILL 600 appartenant
an commencement federal"
Here is an adroit advertising dodge of a
dealer in chewing gum:
A girl employed in paper-mll at Westheld,
Mass. suffered severe attack OF lockJaW last
week, in which the jaws were set for nearly two
hours. The doctor said the trouble was the re-
suit Of an inyeterate habit OF chewing gum.
Something novel in the way Of suicide is re-
ported from Alsace. man put dynamite car
fridge in his mouth, and applied u match to It,
The next second his head and the upper part OF
his body were blown into II thousand pieces
The mans brain was affected by the heat Of the
weather-EI. Rather more seriously we should
say, by the dynamite.
The Chicago Courier says: The old cry of "cop.
perhead" and rebel Is all very well; but sup.
pose the fellow who is shouting 1t has his hands
buried In your pantaloons pocket and, In the
name OF "the best government the sun ever
shone upon" is about extracting your Wallet
A wdowers club has been formed in Milford
Mass. The platform declares ~ that tobacco
smoke is the best known preventive OF ennui,
mosquitoes and kindred Affections; (2) that real
comfort in this life is to have things handy; t3)
that washeruomen are mans greatest evil. Mem.
bership In the widowers' club is limited to gen.
tlemen Of average moral character whose wives
are out OF town.
Alphabetizng list Of books sometimes leads
a.
ment Of Philadelphia publisher it was:
Mil on Political Economy;
Ditto on the Floss.
After having written s1uib with much care
and elaboration, and the dignihed c0mposltor
up stairs hollows down the pipe: Is this Il
joke or an advertisements such salute Is cal
culated 10 make funny man take an interest In
the means OF cheap suicide.-Bdston Free Press.
Says Hayes to Wheeler:
=" Lets throw out a feeler"
Says Wheeler TO Hayes:
Just 30 II pays"
Up jumps little Xii:
Its what you will;
But II you want to carry Indiana like u iirt,
II must be money aud the bloody shirt!n
A lady writing from Saratoga asks in despair.
ing tones, Where are all the menu We don't
huONi hcdi Jubb NhSlc All vi suCu Dub lIOul
our window we just saw six of them pile behind
the screen of a sample room.
Ciapp, the Government Printer, who was put
In Office by Grant because Congress kicked Lin
out for fraud has come out for Hayes. He would
be an awful lonesome thief If he didn't
"Mugwumps," which is the last product Of
political scorn in New England, is Il combination
gfE glisk tT,f d.. a.
gogue.
Now is the time for husking bees The bee
should be firmly seized by the responsive end
and--well, you can depend upon the bee for fur
ther instructions.-St. Louis Rep.
What ignorance. Don't know what a asking
bee is,
Yankee counsel who was defending a mar
on trial for wife murder, sought for some Gu
phoui9us and innocent phrase vita which To de
scribe his clients crime, aud finally said II,
winnowed her into paradise with fence rail-"
Miss Hawk, Of New York, wants the Legisla
ture to change her name. This is lesp-year. lie
her swoop down Oh some male chicken an
make him change 1t.
A noiseless shoe has been patented by a MAJ
sachusetts man. II is sAid 10 be a bootifu il
vention, much needed among church member
policemen, burglars, and young men afraid Of
too warm reception from the male parent
their souls idol.
Mark Twain goes for Hayeseu wheeler as u
formers. Mark always did look upon She ridi,
ulous side OF subject.
"a cruel man beetle caught
And 10 the wall him pinned, Oh
Then said the beetle 10 the crowd,
Though rm stuck up am mol proudr
And his soul went out the window"