Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-08-11
Fl UMO r.

UMOR.
-,-~~--o--o~ooo->~~~o~----~~
His DEAR ELEvAToR.-There is man
in Jersey City who owns an elevator. The
other night he was asleep and his wife was
awake. He dreamed and uttered words in
his sleep. She listened. He said:
"Dear Ella !! darling Ella ! sweetest
Ella!"
She would hear no more. She grabbed
him by the shoulder. shook him till he
awoke and then shrieked.
s'Who is dear Ella ?'
'sWho is dear what ?' he asked with
surprised look.
'sThe dear Ella you've been calling dar-
ling and sweetest in your Dreams"
s'Oh, suppose must have been think
ing of the dear elevator which has cost me
so much thought and trouble for the past
two months. It's all been oat-go and no
income"
The wife subsidized.
She may be fully convinced that he was
wholly truthful, but she keeps very sus-
picious eye on him.
He chuckles when he's alone, and says
''By George that elevator was lucky
thought
Then he chuckles little and goes and
elevates his elbows.
A book agent who started out to canvass
for 'sThe tribulations of the Martyrs, twas
kicked out Of five Offices the first day. and
nearly scalded to death by an irate woman
whom he interrupted in her culinary du-
ties. Now he swears that the tribulations
of the martyrs amount to just nothing
compared to his own, and he wants MS
name added to the list when a new edition
Of the book is printed.
Don't talk about your war record where
there are young boys. An old veteran was
relating his exploits the other day to a pro-
miscuous crowd, and mentioned having
been in five engagements. "That's moth
ing," broke in sprightly juvenile, "my
sister Alice had been engaged more than
eleven times"
s'You come well recommended, I sup
pose?" said gentleman to boy who wan
ted an easy place. 90, yes, sir; the man I
was with last recommended me; be recon-
>mended me to leave, and get work more
congenial with my Disposition
In suburban school teacher gave out
the word sspsalter'' to class in spelling.
It was s'posern to all till it reached the
foot of the class, when curly headed little
fellow spelt it correctly, and ION being ask
eG to define it. shouted out s'More salt ~
A brave young man in neighboring
town got periodically intoxicated the other
night, and while in that condition resolved
to avenge Clusters death-and next morn
ing not one sound wooden Indian could be
found in the place.
Some one says that no matter how warm
it may be during the day, at nigat it is too
cool to sleep in the open air without covers.
And yet we notice that those who "live
out'' complain of the heat as much as
those who don't.
A little boy, few days since, while COM
ing down stairs, was caution ed by his moth
er not to lose his balance. His question
which followed was puzzler: "Mother, if
should lose my ba lance, where would it
go TOP"
It wasn't a loaded Onondago county
preacher who recent said /: ''Brezzern,
szeasier for cammil-hic-tgo srough re
knee of an idol, zan for-hic-a rich man
to live-hic with hiz muzzer-in
law"
i'Dey amt no niggers on de top side OBJ
kreation,'' said colored man the other
<5o,, 1,I,;Io ~, ttino bio hand RI bis no pdo
ged head, "what can sing hymn an put
de gears on a kick1n' mule at de same
time.''
'sWoman,' said the fat man on the
a boil. When another man has her we
laugh at him when we have her ourself
we cherish and protect her.''
'sMrs. Spinks," observed boarder to his
landlady, "the equal adjustment of this es-
tabIishment could be more safely secured
if there was less hair in the hash and more
in the mattresses"
During the session Of County Court in
the interior, a witness was asked if he was
not husbandman, when he coolly replied,
amidst the laughter Of the court, IN o, sir;
Use not married.
Professor of astronomy (having called
the name of student who has been absent
from several recitations)-'I G. sick?"
Classmate (sotto voce)-"Yes, sick of as
tronomyl'
In Bath Abbey, England. is to be seen
the following:
s'Here lives Ann Mann,
She lived an old maid and died an old
Manu.
SIS the moon made of green cheese.
youngster?" "No sir, certainly not"
."How do you prove that?" "Oh, easy
the moon was made before the cows''
There are only two gallons of whiskey
per year manufactured for each inhabitalt |
of the United States and it is a clear case
that somebody's got to go without.
The little boy who bows low before you.
with his hands clasped reverently across |
his stomach, is not SO humble as he appears; !
he has been eating green apples.
There may not be gold, but there's no
question about the quantity of lead in the
Black Hills. Every Indian has gun full
of it. and isn't stingy.