The Portland daily press., 1876-10-04
Mark Twain In Politics.
Characteristic Speech mt n Republican
Meeting in Hartford.

Mark Twain presided at the Republican
rally in Hartford last Saturday evening and, in
opening the meeting. delivered the following
characteristic speech:
Ladies and GentLemen:-I feel very greatly
honor d iD being chosen to preside at this meet
ing. This employment is new to me. never
nave taken any part in political canvass be-
fore except to vote. The tribe of which am
tne hnmolest member-the literary tribe-is
one which is not given to bothering about poll
tics, but there are times when even the straDp-
est departures are Unsuitable, aud such sea-
son, take 1t. is the present canvass Some
one asked me the other day why it was that
nearly all the people who write books and mag
azloes mad lately come to the trout and pro-
claimed their political preference, since such a
hing had probably never occurred before in
America, and why it was that almost all of
his strange, new baud of volunteers marched
under the banner of Hayes and Wheeler /
hlnk these people have come to the front
manly breause they think they see at last
chaoce to make this government a good gov
eminent, because they think they see chance
TO Institute an honest and sensible system of
CIVIL service which shall 90 amply prove its
worth and wortbiness that no succeeding Prpsi-
dent can ever venture to put his foot upon it,
Our present civil system, born of General Jack
son and the Democratic party, is so idiotlc so
contemplate, SO grotesque, that it would make
the very savages of Dahomey jeer, aud the
very gods of solemnity laugh. We will not
hire blacksmith who never lifted 81. dge.
We will not hire school teacher who does
not know the alphabet. We will not
Iiis atse in %an about US .J u high, IN
ns ns Is Capable of doing the work be
offers to do. We even require a plumber to
know something laughter, and a pause by the
speaker about bis business lrenewed laughter].
that he shall at least know what side of pipe
Is the inside. lRoars of laughter But when
sou come 10 our civil service, we serenely fill
great numbers of our minor public offices with
gnoramuses We put the vast business of
custOm-house in the hands of fat-head who
does not know bill of lading from transit of
Venus laughter and applausel, never having
heard of either of them before. Laughter
Under Treasury appointment we pour oceans
OF money and accompanying statistics through
the hands and brain of an ignorant villager
who never before could wresile with a two
weeks wash bill without getting thrown.
lGreat laughter Under our consular system
we send creatures all over the world who speak
no language but their OVID, aud even when it
comes to that go wading all their days through
floods of moods and lenses, and fiourishipg the
scalps of mutilated parts of speech. When
forced to it we order home foreign ambassa-
dor who is frescoed all over with-with-with-
indscreetness Ilaughterl, but we Immediately
send one in his place whose moral calling has q
perceptible shady tint to it, and then he brays
when we supposed he was going to roar. We
carefully train and educate our naval officers
and military men, and we ripen and perfect
their capabilities through long services and ex-
perieDce and keen hold of these excellent SER
wants through just system of promotion. This
is exactly what we hope to do with our civil
service under Mr.. Hayes, [Applausel We hope
and expect to sever that service as ut
tsrly from politics as is the naval
and military service, and we hope to make it as
respectable, too. We hope to make worth and
capacity the sole requirements of the civil ser
vice, in the place of the amount of party dirty
work the candidate bas done. BY the time
General Hawley has finished his speech, j
think you will know why we, in this matter
put our trust in Hayes in preference to any 9TH
er man. am not going to say any thing about
our candidates for State ffcers, because you
know them, honor them, and will vote for
them, but General Hawley. being compare
lively stranger [laughterl will say single
word in commentator of him, and it will fur
n'sh one of the many reasons why L am going
to vote for him for Congress. i ask you TO look
seriously and thoughtfully at one almost ncred
BILE fact. General Hawley IN his official capa-
city as president of tie Centennial commission,
has done one thing which you may not have
heard commented upon, and yet it is one Of the
most astounding performaI ces of this decade, an
act almost imposs BILE perhsps,to any other pub
lie officer 10 this nation. General Hawley has
,akan as high as $121,000 gate money at the
Centennial in siOgle day [pause and applausel
and never stole cent of it. [Great laughter
and long continued applause.]