Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-04-21
Fl UMOR.

He DIDN'T LIKE TO TELL BEFORE
FoLKs.-A horny handed phrenolo gist in
West End grocery of Madison, Wisconsin,
the other evening placed his hand On
friends head, and said:
sBill, do you want to know your capaci-
ty and perceptibleness?"
eyes, if I've got any," was the reply.
"Well then," continued the phrenologist,
II place the tip of my thumb above the
centre of the ear, thus. Then extend my
fingers around the posteior portion, called
in frenology oxy pot; then [ join the tips
of the fingers of both hands and endeavor
to bring the thumb tips together, but the
thumbs don't meet by great goodness!''
At this point the phrenologist looked
puzzled, and gazed up at the ceiling re-
flectively and gravely.
''Out with it; am prepared to hear the
worst" said Bill.
But the phrenologist said he'd have to
tell him privately, and took him out and
up the street till near saloon door, when
he paused and whispered in Bill's ear.
"You'Ye got a powerful brain, power
lul 1uGt1ock, anu OIbO W Ill COllSIeoS otcetu
of using a hammer"
Bill dragged his friend into the saloon
and called for 'sthe best in the house."
They drank, and Bill asked:
ssWhy didn't you tell me in the presence
of those men in the grocery"
Because" said the phrenologist, II
knew they'd call me darned fool %
In Augusta no provision has been made
this winter for lodging and feeding tramps.
The other day vagabond went into
police station and wanted to sleep there.
'sWe only lodge prisoners y said the SER
geant at the desk.
"You only lodge prisoners, said the
Yagabond, meditatiyely.
"That's all,'' was the reply. you've
got to assault somebody, or something of
that kind"
'sI've got to assault somebody, or some
thing of that kind,'' again repeated the
tramp thoughtfully. Then he reached
across the desk with his long arm, and
knocked the sergeant off his stool, saying,
as the officer got up with his hand on his
eye: 'sGive me as good bed as you kin,
sergeant, cause I don't feel very well to-
night"
"You see," said the respondent who was
sitting on barrel, addressing the grocer,
who was spearing the top Of biscuit case
with cheese knife, 'ssome people have bad
luck Now 1 remember once [ was walk
ing along the street with Tom Jellick, and
he went down one side of it and l went
down the other. We hadn't gone more'n
half way down when he found a pocket
book with fifty pounds in notes in it, and
I stepped on woman's dress, and so got
acquainted with my present wife. 1t was
always so,'' added he, with a sigh; 'that
Tom Jellicks was the luckieSt man in the
world, and never had no luck"
People who sit at their front window and
stare at their neigbors from morning till
night will, perhaps, not be deferred by the
fact that South Brooklyn woman in this
line of business had her nose frozen fast to
the window pane one day last week, and
was subsequently obliged to have the tip
of it amputated. Nevertheless, the affair
cast the radiance of Il profound joy over the
entire neighborhood.
"Young man, said the revivali-t, adj
dressing the swearer, ''hoW hot do you
suppose hell is?'' The workman recognized
his questioner, land placing his arms kim
DO, and looking him squarely i'll the face,
said 'sWell, Mr.. Finney, [ suppose it's 50
hot, that if anybody brought you spoon
full of melted iron you'd swear twas ice
cream MI. Finney had nothing more to
say.
MI. Gladstone, the distinguished English
hand labor is better paid in England than
head labor. Same thing over here. Will
liam. A prizefghter will make more
money pounding his fellow-men black and
blue, than goat can earn by butting them
across the street five OF six times day.
Visitor-Can see DR.. Jones? Servant
No, sir; he's not at home, sir! Visitor
CouId I see his-er-deputy? Servant
Please, sir. you'd better wait till master
comes home, as don't know where it is,
When woman perforates her bare foot
with crooked pin scattered on the carpet,
it should be regarded as just retribution;
but we cannot conscientiously recommend
any man to tell her SO about the time she
is pulling it out.
Texas papers are holding up their hands
-, it'd oha
who proves to have wives in no less than
ten different cities. The in-ten-city Of
that fellows affections fully justifes their
EXPLANATIONS.
They have disagreeable way in Canon
City, Colorado, when man takes broken
chair to the cabinet-shop, of saying: ''Hit
YOU with chair did she?" This is very
trying to the average citizen.
A singular rivalry which has sprung up
has induced Danbury lady to mention
that her dress has not cost her four dollars
per annum for the past three years. She
lives with brother-in-laW.
Honolulu people say it rains nine days
in the week at Hilo, and thirteen months
in the year, and once in while it rains
into the bunghole of barrel faster than it
can flow out at both ends.
The man who ever attempted to put
down twenty yards of carpet will have NO
sympathy for the Massachusetts tack
factory which burned down the other day
That was a smart little girl who, in an.
swer to the catechism's question: s'What
is the outward, visable sign Of bap ism?''