The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1876-02-02
A TRYING SITUATION.

A TRYING SITUATION.
Mr.. Bllderback, says the Burlington
Hdsokeye humorist, will not attend divine
service this morning. The old gentle.
man is, we are panied to learn. laborine
under very distressing frame of mind,
being greatly incensed against churches
on general principles. He dcscn't like to
talk about the matter, but we learned all
about it, despite his rcticence. It seems
that last Sunday morning h. was doing
comfortably in his pew, in the church Of
which he is one Of the main sleepers.-
when he became aware of an apparition
gliding solemnly down the aisle with q
collection basket in its hand Mc.-Bil.
derback braced up into an erect posture,
cleared his throat in ponderous tone Of
Roman frmness, as one who should say,
t'Who's been asleep?" And as the has.
ket was extended toward him he felt in
his trousers pocket for his wa Let. It
wasn't there and Is he withdrew his hand
and felt in the other pocket felt that the
eyes Of the congregation were upon him,
and that was all he felt, for he certainly
didn't feel any pocket. book. He nodded
the basket man 10 wait q second, and
leaned over to the left while he felt in
the right inside pocket of his coat, from
which, in his increasing nervousness, he
drew half dozen chestnuts, which rolled
over the floor with rattle that sounded
in his hot ears like the thunders of the
Apocalypse, and made them hotter still:
Then he leaned over the end of the pew
and felt in the other inside pocket and
drew out bundle of letters, a lot of DOS
tai cards. circus ticket, photograph of
an actress, funny story printed on a
card, pocket comb, and long string,
and his face grew SO hot his breath felt
like hot.air blast. Then he SQUARED
his elbows and went for his vest pockets,
and strewed the pew cushion with Quill
toothpicks. newspaper scraps, street car
checks, shoe.buttoner, some lead pencil
stubs, crumbling indication of chewing
tobacco, q bit of sealing wax, a piece of lie
orice root about an inch long, and three
or four troches. Then he leaned forward,
and stung to madness by the smiles
which were breaking out all around that
church worse than the measles in a pri-
mary school room, Owed into his coat
tail pockets, and drew forth a red silk
handkerchief two apples spectacle case,
q pair Of dog skin gloves, an overcoat
button, and fine assortment of bits of
dried orange peel and lint. Then he
stood up, devoutly praying that an earth.
quake might come along and swallow up
either him or the. rest of the congregation,
he didn't much care which, and went
down into his hip pockets, from which
he evolved a revolver, a corkscrew, a CT.
gar-case, piece Of string, memoran.
dunn book, and pocket knife. By this
time MIR. Bilderback's face was scarlet
clear down to his waist, and he was so
nervous and worked up that he nearly
shook his clothes of, while the man
with the basket couldn't have moved
away if he had died for staying. And
when Mr.. Bilderback. in forlorn despair,
once more rammed his hand into the
trousers pocket where he began the
search, the congregation held it's breath,
and when Mr.. Bilderback drew forth the
very pocketbook which he had missed
in his first careless search, and had since
all but stripped to find, there was sigh
Of relief went forth from every devout
ASaII III IAc AVuScs DuI MT. DllOeI-
back only dropped into his seat with an
abruptness that made the windows rat
tie, and registered mental VOW that he
wasn't going to come out to church
again to be- made fool of by man with
q long. handled darning basket.
"ZACH' CHANDELIERS RED FACE.
Creighton the Washington correspond.
ent of the Danbury Nescs, writes: Per-
haps you would like to know something of
Zach" Chandler. You and have heard
and read great deal about him, and it
is time we know something of him. He
is great big man, over six feet high,
and about 60 years old. He and Horace
Greeley was born within a-cat-call CT each
other, and still no single man did as much
Il