The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1876-03-01
CLIPPLSGS.

and that 1T looks as well as though it
came from the foundry"
"The way it is said little Johnny, de-.
scribing rattle at church fair, ''you see
>omethin' nice. and you give half dollar
for = chance to win it, another fellow al.
ways gets it, and they never offer you
your money back
4 married man uptown bought one of )
the leaP.year neck:t'es, which upon pull
ing cord discloses the word mo" in
front. He pulled the cord the other day
when his wife asked him Tor money. Now
he is using some leap.year hair restorative
but has no faith in it.
The bridegroom was chilly little fell
low, and as the church was quite cold, he
did nothing but shake ard quake during
the whole ceremony. 1t was, therefore,
that friend Of the bride remarked to =
companion after the marriage: swell,
I'm sure if I were Jane I'd just A. lief
have married bad case of the Stain
Island ague."
A Highland minister who found his con-
gregation going to sleep one Sunday be-
fore he had fairly commenced suddenly
stopped and exclaimed, "Brethren it's
nae fair !; gle = mon half chance. Wait
till get alang, and then If I'm nae worth
listening to, gang to sleep. but d,nna, be-
fore get began; gle mon chanccs
A Brooklyn girl recently experienced
religion under one Of Talmage's ser.
mons, and the next day ordered new silk
dress, hat, ETC., and then after putting
extra stufiing in her hustle, informed
her mother that she was prepared for her
religious duties, and never intended to
miss Sunday at church when the wealth:
or was fine. - -
"Benja shouted Mrs. Toodles to
her husband, who was going out of the
gate, ''bring me five cents worth of snuff
when you come" ''Snuff! Mrs. Toodles,
snuff!'' he calculated. as he paused with
his hand on the latch; mo, no. Mrs. TODD
les, the times are too hard to admit of such
extravagancc; you must tickle your nose
with straw when you want to sneeze."
Little Willie having hunted in oil the
corners for his shoes, at last appears to
give them up, and climbing on q chair,
bctakes himself to big look on the side
table. Mother says to him: "What is
darling doing with the book?' ut is the
dictionary; papa lookth in the dictionary
for things, and I'm looking in it to see if
| can find my Shoes
A Philadelphia mi,liner apprentice
went to visit her mother in the country
last Sunday, and when that worthy ma
iron bcheld her child she exclaimed {:
Isabel Marie Stephens, what on airth do
you mean coming OUT in broad daylight,
with your gown all kajummuxed up in a
heap behind We, and all bound up that
way in front of ye? And hain't We got
no stockings all Of one color, that ye haf
to wear them zebta-colored things !?
Thought ye was goin' to be a milliner.
Sh'd think I'd married a bar Der, and was
playin up sign-board for MIN. Did
} ever think one of my girls would come to
this!''
Scene in Green Bay, Wisconsin, police:
court, Justice Westman presiding. Sew
eral gamblers we're under examination.
and one of the witnesses was questioned
about what he knew Of gambling in the
saloons in town. Yes ne had seen gamb.
ling going On III most Of them. s'Well,
one, for instance I! Il have seen men
gambling in the Old York Saloon'
'What were the stakes?'' "They were
} a horse on one side and money on the
other "Well. which won % "Judpe
Wcstman won the horse.'' Pcremptorv
command from the bench--''There, that
will do: this examination is reaching
into too wide range altogether.''
The fellow who can't read a mans
character by looking at his butes is no
fellow at ALL soliliquized Big Jim.
NV hen you see man stubbin' around
with dried mud on his toes, you can set
1t down that he hasn't any get up and get
in him. If he lets the mud come wav un
his heel, you bet he can't earn dollar a
day. for he slow. If he's got dust on
his butcs, he's reckless and won't never
lay up anything; but if his butes catch
the rays of the morning sun, and splinter
em all to pieces in blaze of glory, then
he's bound to have big house on the
avenue, and hull potato bin full of
bonds shine 'em u.p!''
Mrs. G. N. Burnham, of Dcs Moines.
Iowa, furnishes specimen of army red
tape that far exceeds in length and con.
violations that which embodied Patrick
Noonan's breeches. Her father Asa
Sprague, was soldier in the war of 1879.
and at the capture of Ogdansburg lost all
his clothing and personal effects of consid-
cradle value, being at the time dangerous.
" ill with fever. He escaped by being
drawn by bis two sisters on han sled
to Hewvelton, seven miles. The extreme
exposure cost HIM three years of severe
illness, from which he never fully re-
| covered. His claim for his lost clothing
was allowed about l848 or l849, and took
its slow tortuous course in charge of .thc
| Office until Dec. 1874, when he finally
| received $50. This was abont 6xa