Vermont farmer. [volume] (Newport, Orleans County, Vt.) 1870-1877, 1876-09-01
WHOLE NO. 900.
FACT AND FANCY.
A word to the wise-Remain so.

tue music OOA.
Why may a tipsy man fall into the river
with impunity2 Because he won't drown
as long as his head swims.
1t was rather personal in a California
newspaper man to chronicle the purchase of
mule by a brother editor as ga remarkable
instance of selEpossession."
A man in Oswego recently had one hum
dred and twenty-five pounds Of Warts taken
off his hands A young man named Wright
married her-and that's warts the matter.
DR.. Aver, the Herald says, has gone south
for his health, and asks why he doesn't take
some of his own medicine. Probably he
thinks change of Aver is preferable.
Nearly all the post offices in Texas are in
charge of females. 1t works so well that
the males now arrive and depart every hour
in the day.
In reading news of the Servian war, all
you have got to do when you come to Cen
eral Tchernayeif's name is to sneeze.-Lo,0eH
| Courier.
The brute-The editor of the Charlestown
| Is. C.) News is out in favor of men kissing
each other. He does not PROPOSE however,
to give up the custom Of kissing the women.
Our patriots sires never thought Of going
to saloons for lager beer on Sundays. They
drank their New England rum quietly at
home.
"Whither are we drifting2" anxiously
asks an exchange, and in the next column it
announces that "Hell.gate will be blown
open early in September"
at was pitched without" said the clergy
man, and an old base ball player, who had
been calmly slumbering, awoke with start
and yelled "foul." The first bass came
down from the choir and put him out.
According to the Central Falls (R. II
Visitor, they have "a stove out there which
will bake, boil, fry and heat hatirons." A
fried 1at-iron would be nice diet for hot
weather.
The worst case Of sunstroke of the season
is reported from williamsburg where q
seven year old boy broke base ball bat
in an attempt to brush fly off his fathers
car.
A Norwich man calls himself on his card
Temperance boot maker" The need of
temperance boots is apparent, for though
my 10 hOO S0uVIaIIy uIuuh, IL Is u nOlOrlOuS
fact that they're often very tight
"Marie what's that strange noise at the
front gate?" "Cats, SIR" "Cats2 Well,
when l was young, cats didn't wear stove
pipe hats and smoke cigars" "Times arc
changed sir"
A Bremen paper insists upon it that
live potato bug has been captured at that
port lately, having worked its way over to
Europe in some empty corn sacks. The
police got possession of it and placed it for
exhibition under closed glass.
father, fearing an earthquake in the
region OF his home, sent his two boys to a
distant friends until the peril should be over
A few weeks after the father received this
letter from his friend "Please take your
boys home, and send down the earthquake"
The time for husking bees comes soon.
The husking bee, says the Fulton Times, is
a delightful entertainment given by farmers,
and is generally attended by eighteen young
men, who kiss each of the girls in the house
seven times, husk four ears of corn, and 90
home as soon as they have disposed of what
cider they can find
An American backwoods minister having
alluded to an anchor in his discourse, de-
scribed its use in the following lucid manner:
"An anchor is large iron instrument that
sailors carry to sea with them, and when a
storm arises they take it on shore and fasten
1t to tree, and that holds the ship still till
the storm blows over"
No sooner do we hear of the building of a
new and apparently impenetrabte ironclad
that 1t is followed by an account Of more
destructive weapon of offence. After read
ing the account of the trial of new Ameri-
can missile which took splinter off the
cheek of book agent at hundred rods, We
imagine the English will conclude that
their ironclad navy is a miserable failure.
A Chicago girl admitted that the reason
that she was going to marry druggist was
so that she could have all the soda water
that she wanted. Her friend remarked
"Thats all right for summer, but what
about next winter ~ "Oh," mildly ans
wered the engaged one "maybe by that
time we'll be divorced !"
A little four-y year-old remarked to her
mother on going to bed: 81 am not afraid
Of the dark" "No, of course you are not"
replied her mamma, "lor it can't hurt YOU"
"But mamma | was a little afraid once
when | went into the pantry to get cooky."
"What were afraid of ?" asked her mamma.
81 was afraid | couldn't fnd the cookies"
Old Deacon Sharp never told lie, but he
used to relate this He was standing one
day beside frog pond-ws have his word
for it-and saw large garter-snake make
an attack upon an enormous big bull.irog.
The snake seized one Of the frogs hind legs,
aud the frog, to be on par with his snake
ship, caught him by the tail, and both COM
menced swallowing one another, and contln-
ued this carnivorous operation until nothing
was left Of either of them.
The other day a thunder storm passed
around the city to the north, no rain falling
although lightning could be seen and thun-
der heard. sllm-waisted man, a satchel
in one hand and pair Of boots IN the other,
had been strolling around for half an hour,
and he seemed greatly perplexed over the
wet streets. He looked from street to sky
and back, grumbed to himself and at the
corner Of Woodward avenue aud Congress
street came across street sprinkler. He
caught the idea in an instant aud gesturiug
at the driver called out "You might as
7 well put that old squirter up, for l know
p your trick If you think you eau make mic
believe there's been a shower here you're
throwing stones at the wrong dOgw
/ There was large excursion party in De-
Q troit, and about noon three or four couples
Q entered confectionery store and made pur-
Q chases. One girl didn't want candy, and so
her lover invested in ten cents worth of
dates-a fruit neither had eaten beforehand
J he gave her the largest half As they stood
in the door, eating away, she came to one
8 Of the seeds or pits, dropped it into her hand
. and looked at him, and then tossed it back
into her mouth and closed her teeth upon II