, 1876-06-02
Humorous.

MARK TWAIN ON ST. PATRICK.
following letter from Mark Twain was
\read atthe dinner Of the Knights Of st.
Ratrick In Hartford, Conn.,, on March l6
.sQEAR SIRs:--I am very sorry that lean
noN be with the Knights of St. Patrick to-
mofpw evening. In this Centennial year
we otght all to find a peculiar pleasure in
doing honor to the memory OF a man
whose god name has endured through Ia
centurlesA We ought to find pleasure in
Il for the reason that at this time we Iatu-
rally have qellow-feellng for such man.
He wronghkA a great work in his day. He
found Ireland y prosperous republic, and
looked about him to see II he might find
some useful thing to turn his hand to.
He observed that the President Of that re-
public was IN the habit of shelterine his
great officials from deserved punishment.
10 he lifted mp his star and snlote him and
I've died. He found that the Secretary of
War had been so untecomingly ecOnomi-
cal a. TO have laid up SO 900 year ont
Of a salary Of $1,000, and he killed him.
lie found that the Secretary OF the Inte-
rior always prayed over every separate
and distinct barrel Of salt hee1fhat was in
tendeG. for the unconverted savage and
then kept that beef himself. s0|he killed
him also. He found that the SeC>etarv Of
fhhNarV knew more about handbag sns-
picions claims than he did about haIElline
a ship, and he at once Slnatle an eii1 Of
him. He found that very fonl priyAte
secretary had been engineered through
sham tfial. 80 he destroyed him. He dis4
covered that the Congress which pretended
to prodieious virtue was very anxious 10
inVestigafe an embqssador who had dis
lonored the country abroad, but Were
equally anxious to prevent the app0Ir&
nent Of any spot|ess man to simii.
post; that this Congress had no God l'It
party; no system Of morals but party 'Do|-
icy; no vision but bats vision, and no
reason or excuse for existing anyhow
Therefore he nassacred that Congress II
the last man. When he had finished his
great work he said, IN his flguratlve w.ly|
Ho. have destroyed an the reptiles HI
Ireland. St. Patrick had no politics: his
sympathies lay With the right. when he
came Across reptile ha forgot to dnQuir@
whether he was / Democrat or Hepub
can. but simply exalted his staff and let
him have e. ~ wish we had him here "a
trim Is No ~ the centenhial. His statI
which rds the symbol Of real. not sham.
reesfln' Is idle. However. we still have
ttlo symbol Of Truth George Washing.
tons little hatchet for know they've
buried Il"
SANS MIsrAkE.-A person whom VI
win call Sam, and who is a little hard 81
hearing, attended one OF the Moody and
Sankey meetings held at the Hipnodrome.
and alter the service stepped into the In,
Quiry room. He had scarcely got inside
before gentleman came uD to him and
said. Brother how do YOU feel? Now
Sam had a bad cold. and supposino he
meant his bodily condition rather than his
spiritual, replied Obi I feel pretty well.
thank you. except q bad cold. aud / sln IN
hopes after a few DAYS TO be all ri0hf
again. The brother then asked. Are Ton
all InqnIreri but Sam not exactly elfch-
ing the driIl Of his remark. said. oh. no.
| am not In the choir heard Of these
inquiry meetings and thought would
come In and see what they were like.
The questioner gave up in despair.
There Is still another serious objection
TO silver money. A man can't stand on
his head without the quarters and halves
rolling out Of his pockets. Women can't
either unless they have lids on their poek-
ets.- Eastern paper.
About this time, when woman goes
70 the head Of the stairs aud cries. Sane.
have You seen anything OF the claw-ham-
mefg Il l. curious to see with what agility
her husband will get into his clothes.
skipping button after button, and bounce
for the front door.
The trouble between husbands and
wives too often is, that they do not under
stand each other-Clo not comprehend
each others sensibilities. A man can't
slt with bis hoofs planted against tho back
Of his wiie's chair without knocking some
nt the enamel OF the romance OF married
life ~