Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1876-01-01
a SPECULATIVE IDEA.

A man called at my Office the other
day, and after introducing himself as
Mr.. Grubb of Baltimore" he invited
me to join him in a speculative enter
prise, the nature of which he explained
as follows:
Now you know there's millions of
people in Fiji and all around there in
the South Seas; to say nothing of Afri-
CO and such places, who won't eat any
thing but men and women. Cannibals
in fact. Do it regular, and right
straight along. Amt got any appetite
for vegetables and confectionery, and
those things. Well, now, l know we'll
enough that's unfortunate. 1t don't
strike you and me as being in good
taste, and all that. But kin we help
it? It's not our fault. If you go out
and argue with those fellows about it,
whatll they do? They'll snatch you up
in the middle of your first speech, and
the first thing you know yon are Sizing
over fire with a colored man sticking
you with fork. So its no use trying
to correct those heathens. And as long
as they like it, and it makes 'em happy,
what's the use of stirring them up?
Well, now, this is what I say, less
try and make it as harmless as we can for
them to crafty their appetites. They
will eat people anyhow, and they can't
eat 'em unless they murder 'em first,
and that we ought to stop if we can.
Now in this here country, there's thous-
ands dying every day, and it's getting
to be most laundering hard question
to know what to do with them. Gem
etery lots are high, funerals, are expen-
sive, cremation dissagreeable and what I
want to get ats this. Why can't you
and 60 into business together, and
start some kind of trade to supply
these suffering pagans with provisions?
Now my idea is, whena man steps out, in
stead of allowing him go to waste in
graveyard, to pack him in cans and
forward him to Fiji. &.
I've got the most beautiful process.
S'pose, for instance, you die. What
do do with you? First, I chuck you
into little hot water, and stand you
on the stove until you're about half
done. You come out just as tender as
an elephant. Then I stuff you with
cloves and onions and put you through
q kind of mince-meat machine. Then /
scoop you up with shovel or some
thing, pack you in cans, pump out the
air, seal her up, label her "Dessicated
Adeler; warranted to keep in any eli
mate, and off you go to those hungry
foreigners. Simple as can be, yet how
pleasing to the speculative mind!
Now probably you've got lot of
poor relations whom you'll have to bury
when they die. Say you have an uncle,
or grandmother, or an aunt. When
that amt dies you cart her around to
the factory, you dump her. into the
machine, and in o few months there
she is in those distant regions max
ing simple-hearted people happy at
one of their feasts. No Grape, no mon
ey wasted on tombstones and such fool
s.ys ? & et.sss&s &t2Is5ss2ss. at. sUs A"t
real usefulness; actually doing good to
her unfortunate fellow creatures on
those foreign shores.
There's some people, know, who
plant their relations, for instance, un-
der their grapevines, to enrich the soil;
but it always seemed to me there was
something mean and low about that.
I couldn't enjoy bunch of grapes that
I knew grew out of an uncle OF mine.
I'd as lief eat his leg at once. But can
that uncle, and print moral sentiments
on the label along with recipes for
cooking, and you feel that you are do
ing good work for those who haven't
had such opportu mites as you have.
I I'd like you to go into this thing
with me. There's money in it sure.
I'll make you an offer. I'll get the
machinery and the fuel, and the cans
to make o start with, and you skirmish
around and pick up all the remains
you can, and we'll ship off one invoice
ANYHOW, and see how the old thing
work. Only don't you rope in any col
ored people. know man who used
to live out there, and he says that these
cannibals have striking partiality for
white meat. Now you think it over
and if you can't get hold of any raw
material, I think i know q couple OF
undertakers who'll keep us in stock,
provided well give them share of the
profits, and don't let on to anybody
what they're at. So you just turn it
over in your mind, and I'll call in here
in day or two and see what conclu-
sion you've come to.
Then Mr.. Grubb left. / hardly
think will engage in the business just
at present.-Aar Adeier.
4 Il. Eaox. AL.