Litchfield enquirer., 1876-06-01
CLIPPINGS.

A mild form of new mown-ia-the hay fever.
 What is the command for the first day of Spring? Forward march!
 In what key would lover write @ pro- posal of marriage? Be mine, ah
 When do two and two not make four When they stand for twenty-two.
 A typographical error An ignorant youth attempting to learn the printing trade.
 A Western genius has invented a ma- chine for making artificial foliage. He might call it "a patent leave er."
 The bull-frog was the first circulating greenback. and the entire breed have been notorious infationists ever since the flood.
 When she struck him over the head with 8 tin dippe- for trying to kiss her, he called it "the tintinnabulation of the belle"
 Rhode Island sends to the Centennial a policeman who measures six feet three inches. That comes from living in a small State. Not having room to spread, he ran up.
 An Illinois minister announced on his Sunday night bulletin: "The funeral of Judas Iscariot." To which an obliging fellow added, Friends of the deceased are cordially invited" ..... The other day Black Hills stage-driver undertook. to horsewhip his passengers into getting out and pushing up hill, but the gold seekers held coroner's inquest and found that he died of pneumonia.
 How to raise cats:-First catch your cats; and then put them into barrel and explode @ can of nitroglycerine under them. It never fails to raise 'em; but the cats come down greatly demoralized.
 A Milwaukee man made three unsuc- cessful attempts to blow his brains out, and then his wife told him; "Don't try again John; you haven't got any," He goes about saying he owes his life to that woman.
 New Mexico is to be,:admitted into the Union under the name of "Montezuma." A more appropriate name, considering the prevailing weakness of the inhabitants, would be 'Threeeardmontezuma."
 A fast youth asked at Frisko restau- rant: "What have you got?''.. Almost everything" was the reply. s'Almost eve- rythiny! Well, give me plate of that" Certainly. One plate of hash" yelled the waiter.
 The Alabama Planter complains that It's little garden patch was unproftable last season: 'The snalls ate up the cucum- bers; the chickens ate up the snails; the neighbor's cats ate mp the chickens, and we are now in search of something that will eat up the cats!'
 "I'm Philadelphia Alderman" said a stout, pompous little man, as he approach ed the turnstile on the opening day. "Oh, that's no matter" answered the gatekeep- CT, ''that don't exclude you. Pay your fifty cents, and you can go in just the same as the rest"
 A centennial incident: "An' how far might square be?" said patriot strang- CT to a patriot driver on Market street car. 'sSure. and if ye was Philadelphian like myself. ye would know it was to the next corner" ''An' is it, thin" said the pat riot stranger, "what we New (Yaarkers call block?' "An' it is."
 It is related of Sidney Smith that once. on entering a drawing room in a West End mansion, he found it lined with mir roB on all sides. Finding himself re- fected in every direction, he said that he supposed he was at a meeting of the clergy, and there seemed to be very re- spectable attendance"
 The King of Burmah is to have a jour- nal. He will be the proprietor himself, and in the prospectus he says that all his subjects who do not subscribe will be in- stantly killed. His inducements are even more powerful than gift chromo. The first day Artemas Ward entered To ledo. travel-worn and seedy. he said to an elder who was on the street. "Mister, where could get 0 square meal for twen- | ty-tive cents?" He was told. '.I say. Mister, said he, s'where could get the twenty five cents?"
 "Come, Pete, "said Q merchant to a gen. tleman of the colored persuation, swhat'll you put that load of wood into the cellar for?' "In de fuss place, my name IS Pet. CT. sir; secondly, I'se a prefeshnal carpet 1 cleaner and whitewasher;~ furdermo', uoesu competo TOT slcn loDS, sah '!
 Dean Swift has found an imitator. An advocate of Colmar has left 100, 900 francs to the local mad-house. ''I got this money, said the candid lawyer Tn his will ''out of those who pass their lives in liti gation; in bequeathinait for the use' oi lunatics l only make restitution" =.
 An Eastern paper having had consider able to say about raising chickens by hand" the Galveston News responds. "Such information is not needed at the South. The whole colored population know how to do it. and an enterprisine freedman can raise more bullets in sin. gle night, On his way home from prayer meeting than that Eastern editor could raise in a year with all his science"