Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1876-02-10
A Very Trying Situation.

Mr.. Bllderback, says the Burlington
Hdwkeye humorist, will not attend divine
service this morning. The old gentle
man is. we are panied to learn, laboring
under very distressing frame of mind,
being greatly incensed against churches
ON general principles. He Dissent like to
talk about the matter, but We learned all
about it, despite his reticence. It seems
that last Sunday morning h. was doing
comfortably in his pew, in the church Of
which he is one of the main sleepers,
when he became aware of an apparition
gil ling solemnly down the aisle with =
collection basket in its hand. Nj. Bill
derback braced up into an erect posture.
cleared his throat in ponderous tone Of
Roman firmness. as one who should say,
s::Who's been asleep!'' And as the bas-
ket was extended toward him he felt in
his trousers pocket for his wallet. It
wasn't there and as he withdrew his hand
and felt in the other pocket felt that the
eyes Of the congregation were upon him,
and that was all he felt, for he certainly
didn't feel any pocket.book. lie nodded
the basket man to wait q second, and
leaned over to the left while he felt in
the right inside pocket Of his coat, from
which, in his increasing nervousness, he
drew half dozen chcstnuts, which rolled
over the floor with rattle that sounded
in his hot cars like the thunders of the
Apocalypse, and made them hotter still.
Then he leaned over the end Of the pew
and felt in the other inside pocket and
drew out bundle of letters, lot Of pos
tai cards. circus ticket, a photograph Of
an actress, funny story tinted on
card, pocket comb, and long string,
and his face grew so hot bis breath felt
ike hot.air blast. Then he squared
his elbows and went for his vest pockets,
and strewed the pew cushion with quill
toothpicks, newspaper scraps, street car
checks, shoe.buttoner, some lead pencil
stubs, a crumbling indication of chewing
tobacco, : bit Of sealing wax, piece Of lic-
orice root about an inch long, and three
or four troches. Then he leaned forward,
and stung to madness by the smiles
which were breaking out all around that
church worse than the measles in pri-
mary school room, dived into his coat
tail pockets, and drew forth red silk
handkerchief two apples . spectacle case.
= pair Of dog skin gloves, an overcoat
button, and fine assortment Of bits Of
dried orange peel and lint. Then he
stood up, devoutly praying that an earth.
quake might come along and swallow up
either him or the rest Of the congregation,
he didn't much care which, and went
down into his hip pockets, from which
he evolved a revolver, . corkscrew, ci-
gar.case, piece Of string, . memoran.
dunn book, and . pocket knife. By this
time Mr.. Bilderback's face Was scarlet
clear down to his waist, and he was SO
nervous and worked up that he nearly
shook his clothes of, while the eman
with the basket couldn't have moved
away if he had died for staying. And
when Mr.. Bilderback. in forlorn despair,
once more rammed his hand, into the
trousers pocket where he began the
search, the congregation held its breath,
and when Mr.. Bilderback drew forth the
very pocketbook which he had missed
in his first careless search, and had since
all but stripped to find, there was sigh
of relief went forth from every sdevout
heart in the house. But Mr.. Bilder-
back only dropped into his seat with an
abruptness that made the windows rat.
tie, and registered = mental vow that he
wasn't going to come out to church
again to be made . fool OF by man with
long.handled darning basket.
A Vermot editor says that . man in
Procterville caught pickerel the other
day Weighing two and half pounds, in
side of which was another pickerel which
measured nine inches in length, and in
side of this WAS still another, five inches
in length. We don't question the truth
Of this story. The only remarkable
thing about it is that the man didn't ga
on finding inside pickerels rs long as
the inches held out.