Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1876-04-28
NO. IL.
Trials Of a Candidate.

/
met him. His name was not Stretch, but
we will so designate him. lie poured this
sorrowful story in the ear of an attentive
and sympathetic listener:
"No sir, I'll never run for office again."
said Mr.. Stretch. "You know when they
came and asked me If I'd accept the nomi-
nation TO the Legislature they told me that
the whole community wanted me TO run,
aud that was certain TO be elected because
l was man whose character was so good
that nobody could find fapt with II. |
thought 50 myself, and l agreed to run,
and accordingly they nominated me.
Well, sir, the next morning the Argus
came out with an assertion that had been
detected in stealing chickens, and it gave a
full history of the case, together with pic
lures OF the chickens, and after darkly
limiting that since abandoning chicken
stealing 1 had been continually engaged in
other forms of robbery, it asked If the peo-
pie of this State wanted TO see a chicken
thief making laws for them. And the mis-
chief of ii was that did hook a couple of
chickens from my Grandmother's coop
when was a small boy, but how'n thun-
/
was fifty-two years ago.
"Now look at my nose! 1t aint much
of nose for beauty, is il? know well
enough that it's crooked. But nobody ev-
er alluded TO it until was nominated, and
then the Argus said that there was tradi-
ton that 1 had the nose mashed around
sideways during my career as prize
fighter, although some people insisted that
l had run it hard against door while
was drunk. And then all the illustrated
papers in the State began to publish pic
lures of me with nose like the jib sheet
of an oyster sloop, only twisted around
sideways; and one of them said that when
/ sueezed on the front porch the concussion
acted like boomerang and blew The back
door open.
And then they tackled me about my
war record. You know was out with the
militia. And the Argus published a letter
from man who said that during the battle
Of Gettysburg 1 was hid in refrigerator in
in cellar in the town, pretending that
was ordered there 10 mount guard over
some rations of cold beef. And the Argus
asserted that the only maneuvre was ev-
er good at was falling back that whenever
the enemy was expected 10 be approaching
I always made bee-line for Nova Scotia,
and never turned up till after the fight but
once, and then we were surprised, and
fired my musket 50 wildly that 1 shot our
own Colonel in the leg and surrendered 10
an Irishman who belonged to our regi-
ment and who came up TO me 10 borrow
| plug of tobacco. To tell the truth, wasn't
much of fighting man, but how the mis-
chief they found out about that refrigerator
gets me. Awful, isn't Il? 1 wouldn't
have minded it so much, only they got up
poster and stuck ii around the streets,
and headed it, 'Stretch's War Record and
put on picture of me with monstrous
lop-sided nose sitting inside that refrigera-
tor gnawing at bone out of the roast beef
"And then, as the campaign went along,
they accused me of having delirium tre-
mems, of beating my wife, of wiping my
nose on my sleeve, Of rob6ng bank, of
selling my dead aunt 10 a medical college,
and of holding the doctrine that the whale
didn't swallow Jonah, and that when Mo-
ses crossed the Red Sea he padded over in
a boat. The Argus said that if my wife
nifty would be filled with horror, but any
body might see for themselves who would
notice that her back hair was all thinned
out. And 1t said that had wen on my
leg that unified me for active duty any
how, even if had not forfeited all claim
10 public confidence by turning my grand
father out of doors when he was dying of
consumption, and then setting my dog on
him and making the aged man roost in
mulberry tree on the coolest night last
winter for fear of being eaten up.
"People began to avoid me on the street.
The general impression prevailed that 1
was desperate and hardened villain. 1
might have stood that, but you know the
way they levied on me for expenses was
awful. There was that brass band. l kept
that band in luxury for three months; and
ii used 10 come around and serenade me
three nights in the week and wake all the
babies in the neighborhood. l lost two
hundred votes in consequence of those
wakened babies. Then the clubs would
come and call me out for speech, and
when l would get through l would have to
ask them in TO a feed, aud they would stay
and howl until four O'Clock in the morn
ing, and get drunk, and fight, and smash
the furniture, and bleed over the carpets.
Then they would assess me Tor a mass
meeting and adjourn. handed out cash
for posters, and rum, and brass bands, and
barbecues, and fireworks, and torch-light
professions, and transparencies, and for
flags, and the Argus all the time accusing
me of buying up votes and having repeat
ers in my pay.
"The night Of the election the brass band
and the club came around 10 congratulate
me or my success, and after having a final
spree and concluding riot in the parlor
went to bed, glad had won anyhow. The
first thing saw in the Argus in the morn
ing was the announcement that the hoary-
headed chicken stealer had been beaten by
1000 majority, and would have TO keep his
eccentric nose at home and spend his time
in rejecting that a free people would never
elect to a responsible Office a man who
would tree his consumptive grandfather
and traffic in the remains of his aunt. So
that lets me out in politics. When run
for office again, you chuck me right into
an insane asylum. .'-Maz Adeler IN Phitd-
delphid Bulletin.