The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1876-10-25
Simon Strlnger's RELIGION,
From the Brunswick (Mo) News.

-. AN PAAuNA AAAAoOAA upOu Delng u
plain, matter-of-fact man, about whom
there was no fO0lishness or sentiment.
On more than one occasion he had NOR
titled his wife and daughters by hust-
ling them out Of religious meetings.
when they had begun to show signs of
emotion. He said he didn't believe in
"mlrakerlous conversions, and that
people who cried and yelped over get
ting religion ''wasn't gittin' it by a
burned sight, He believed that the
genuine article was soothing and calm
ing, and not at all exciting in it's influ.
ence.
Once the Complexities had a pro-
tracted meeting in his neighborhood,
and as it was carried on without any
sudden outbursts of feeling, Simon
took kindly to it, and attended regu-
larly. One Sunday morning he told
his wife to lay him out two suits of
clothes.
"Why, Simon," exclaimed she in
her shriil tones "whatever do YOU
want with two suits of clothes ?''
"Ihat's my business not yours, he
replied gru111y. "You lay out my black
suit for me to put on, and wrap the
brown one up in q bundle, and don't
ask any fool questions.
His wife wonderingly but silently
complied, and Simon donned one suit.
and with the other under his arm,
mounted his horse and rode away, fol-
lowed by the anxious eyes of the big
and little Stringeys, who marveled
greatly, and said one to another:
''W 1at's dad goin' to do with his t 9th
er clothes?''
Simon didn't return till supper time.
He took his place at the supper table,
which was the usual signal for the
family to begin al onslaught upon the
victuals, but on this occasion his voice
arrested every arm in it's descent, and
for the second time that day astonish-
ed the Stringers. CHANGING around the
startled circle, he thus delivered him.
self:
Il want it understood that the head
of this household has this day been
baptised. He is d follower of the
meek and loWly Jesus, and the first
critter at this table that dips into any.
thing afore q blessin' is asked II get
snatched bald.headed. Drop yer eyes,
We heathen.''
The blessing was asked, and that
meal was eaten in silence.
After the chores were done, the
Stringers were stringing Off to bed,
when the stern voice of the old man
again arrested them, and flied their
minds with grave forebOdingS as to
what was coming next. He addressed
them as follows:
''Come into this room, every devil
of you, and flop down on your knees.
It is my duty as devout Christian, to
have a family worship, and I'll have
it, too, and have respectful attention,
or I'll bust some domestic ties asun-
der. This mansion must resound with
praises to the Most High, or it will re-
sound with Esome one gittin' a-a-a-a-a
thrashin'-l mean bein' severely chas-
tised. The first one WHO smokers, or
makes any onseemly noise, I'll git up
and throw q cheer through him, OF
her, as the case may be. Let us pray.''
The prayer was prayed, and never
was there a more attentive audience.
This sort of thing continued about
two weeks, and the Stringer family
was kept in state of extreme misery.
The younger members had been sever
al times severely whipped for conduct
unbecoming the children of a true be-
lever, and the older ones had received
such harsh reprimands for failing to
fall into the new order OF things and
comport themselves with due dignity.
Then one morning Simon came in,
with bad limp, a battered milk pail,
and the knee of his pants torn. Drop
ping into a chair at the table, he
plunged his fork into the nearest dish.
The children looked up from the backs
of their plates, questioningly, and
their mother squeaked, ''Why, ST.
mon!''
ssShut up, and eat - he growled,
and then in a few moments added:
'This blessin' and prayer business
is suspended fur awhile. [ don't for
git my obligations an duties as a
Christian, an I'll resoom 'em arter
I've conquered that dol-dinged red
heifer. The 'tarnal critter presooms
too much on my Christian furbearance.
Durn hypocrite! won't pray when
nv soul amt into it. It's too great a
strain. Fur the time bein' I hev de-
scended from grace. Pass the tomat-
tusses.''
A siah of relief went round the cir
Gle, and if the red heifer had known
how she had risen in the esteem of a
majority of the Stringers her fractions
soul would have leaped for joy.
That was several years ago, and now
the red heifer is COW, and the worst
one in the neighborhood. The String
ers say, as they punch and plague her,
IS S longs we keep Old Red wild, dad
won't git any more O. that awful re-
Ljun.'' -: .-r>