Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1876-11-01

HUMOROUS.
THE orders of Mr.. j. w. Brooks. a
celebrated American railroad manager |
of Michigan, were, it Is said, almost be- |
yond deciphering. On certain occa- |
sion, when a second line had been laid
on one of the branch roads. it was re-
ported at headquarters that the barn of
an old farmer stood partly upon land
the company had bought, and danger
ously near to passing trains. Mr..
Brooks, just getting ready for trip
down the Mississippi, wrote to the
farmer that he must move his barn from
the company's land at once. If he de-
layed he would be liable to a suit for
damages. The old farmer duly received
the letter, and was able TO make out the
managers signature, but not another
word could he decipher. He took it to
the village postmaster, who, equally
unable to translate the hlerOglyphics,
was unwilling to acknowledge il.
"Didn't you sell strip of land to the
railroad?" he asked. "Yes." "Well,
| guess this is free pass over the
Iudus Auu ONcI d year tic
used the managers letter as a pass, not
one of the conductors being able to dis
pute his translation of the instrument.
A POOR FRESHMAN applied to one of
the overseers OF the poor for relief, and
upon some doubt being expressed as to
whether he was proper object for
parochial relief, he enforced his suit
1 uifh nannh ssn.h
honor" said he, ''shure I'd be starved
long since but for me cat" "But for
what?" asked the astonished interroga-
tor. "Me cat," rejoined the Irishman.
"Your cat! how SOP" "Shure, yer
honor, | sould her eleven times for six
pence time. and she was always home
before 1 could get there meself."
A GENTLEMAN on board steamboat
with his family, was asked by his chill
dren "what made the boat CO." when
he gave them very minute description
of the machinery and its principles in
the following words: "You see, my
dears, this thingumbob here goes down
through that hole and fastens the jig
maree, and that connects with the
crinkum-crankum; and then that man
he's the engineer, you knOw-kind o.
stirs up the what-dO-yOu-call-it with a
long poker, and they all shove along
and the boat goes ahead"
A ToYMAN who mad recently taken to
himself a wife was exceedingly tender
TO her in epithet; his frequent address
to her was my lamb" One day a
dirty-faced little boy asked for a toy,
and the busy toyman said, ''My lamb,
serve that boy, please" The boy was
served and sent away, but soon returned
TO have his toy changed. The toyman
doubted whether it had been bought at
his shop, and asked, "W no served you ?"
The lad replied, "lt war the lamb, SIR"
FILIAL REspECr.-On Saturday. a
painter 0it was i'm Paris), who had all
the week been studying an old model
bearded like Neptune, says: "Well,
good night. See you Tomorrow"
elf it will be equally convenient, let
us say Monday. My wife and myself
make a custom of taking the little ones
on Sunday to see their grandfather"
"Ah. What is their grandfather?'
''He is skeleton in the museum of
the Jardin des Plantes.''
A MINISTER'S wife once asked the late
DIR. Eadie, of Glasgow, how he became
attached to the Session Church when
his father was member of the Relief.
'Oh," said the doctor, 81 can easily ex-
plain that, Some of the children went
with my father and some with my
mother; but my father took nothing in
his pocket for the interval while my
mother always took bread and cheese
SO | went with the bread and cheese" !"
IT Is SAID that if a man is walking
) for health and enjoyment, four miles
an hour is the besr gait. This may be
true as regards health, but for enjoy
ment we remember one night when il
took us four hours to walk a mile. 1t
happened, however, that the old folks
) had gone TO camp meeting, and she had
the night key, and, so far as health was
, concerned, we really didn't care if it
took all night.-NOrtcich Bulletin.
"MY DEAR Madam, can you give me
glass of grog?" asked fatigued
traveller in the Highlands, as he entered
cabin on the road side" I amt got a
drop stranger" said the woman. "But
a gentleman told me that you had a
, barrel" "Why, good gracious,' re-
piled the woman, 'what do you reckon
one barrel OF whiskey is TO me and my
children when we are ont of milk"
"STEAM is a great thing" remarked
a traveller in a railroad ear to his VISA
Wis" $50 it is" was the reply; 81
owe my fortune to it." Monsieur is
manager of company?" '.No." IAN
engineer. perhaps?" "No, have lost
a number of relatives by railroad ac-
cidents."
"WELL, Pat said an indulgent
master TO his coachmaD, who had just
been describing the glories of a ST.
Patrick's Day dinner, ''was your ap-
petite sated 2" ''Ssted, is it, yer Honor?
Shure, an it wasn't. 1t had to shtand
up along wild meself most of the time"
A PROFESSOR was expostulating with
a student for his idleness, when the
latter said, ats of no use; was cut
out for a loafer." "WelI," declared
the professor, surveying the student
critically, whoever cut you out under
stood his business"
IL
to subdue the rampant spirits of small
girl by keeping her two hours after
school was rewarded when the time
was up, with a motto lozenge bearing
the pathetic inquiry. "Must we part:"
MEN, says Adam Smith, are naturally
unsentimental. A man will scoop the
bottom out of an egg without thinking
that the mother of that egg is, perhaps,
a hundred miles away, in the rain.
SPILKINs says that all the perils and
horrors of a maelstrOm aren't a circum-
stance to the horror of hearing a
fe-male-storm on the piano, next door,
from morning till night.
A PATENT for noiseless shoe has just
been granted to Massachusetts manu-
facturer. They will be largely worn
by belated husbands on their way home
from the ''lodge."