The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-12-16

er of intense cold is said TO be greater than
that of steam a single drop of water CONCEAL
ed in the center OF an anvil will burst it. ie"
icy drops on the sidewalk will get under the
heel OF a man worth $250000 and make him sil
down so suddenly that the most practced eye
can't see whether his hat or his collar button
few the highest.
Josh Billings says che don't care how much q
man talks, if he says it in a few Words Good
idea for those who write to newspapers.
The girls Of Plainfed advertise llugging
Bees" for this winter. A man who has Rugged
moderate sized bee, with It's business cnd ur
trammelcd has been convinced of the utter I'm
possibility OF getting any sport thaJ Way.-J0Ete'
Rec0rB
Such Ignorance, Tina. man, invited to Il
PlainGeld bee would be simple enough to take
his wife along.
The first verse of o pomc," by no means in
appropriate for the times, and sung from Maine
to California. is as follows:
Christmas day is coming on,
The air grows chill and nurky
The sordid farmer loads his gun,
And turkey, oh, the turkey!
II she doesn't nyte you into the house after
having escorted her home on such night as
last Sunday was, it isn't worth your while to
waste any more valentines or chcwing-gum on
her-your case Is hopeless.
A distinguished politician say. the country
will be under the heels of monarchy in about
six weeks. Anything for change.
Hearing that the Spitz.dog was most liable to
have the hydrophobla, generous Chicagoan
has just presented one OF these useful and af-
fectonate creatures to his wifc's maiden sister,
who lives with HIM.
Iratc subscriber excited and pointing to an
Objectionable articlc)-What does that mean?
Every statement is false. Edtor-(gazing re-
hectyely at the article III question)-l shouldn't
wonder If the whole article was typographical
error.
Dundee merchants are having line times. The
town has established fine public library, and
locating Il in Il store, the merchant acts as IL
brarar.
cotemporary says that "Tilden will enter
the coming war with n yiSUr that will startIc his
opponents But what does Tilden know about
war? lie never was marrled!-AorriSto'ra Hp-
GiL
The Amboy Joa'aM says they have a" Drunk.
ard Church" up in Ogle county. The devil is at
the head Of it, and a dcadbcat called Bill Max
well is the demon
The Boston TrlaScriD. gives the following
suSuarly accurate account Of the young man
who cast his maiden vote on the It'll ult sccin =
he lives IN Ottawa:
He got up at o'clock in the morning, shaved,
fused around until breakfast tiulc cuntradicted
his father twenty times on political points, told
his sister that women knew nothing about pol.
itCs, went down to the polls before they were
opened and filled his pockets with tickets from
the several election boxes. When he voted, the
operation was performed with dignity and I'M.
pressivCncss.
candidate IN Missouri has gone into bank.
ruptcy because he gave several fellows tickets
written on the back Of each GOOD for ono
drink" and they changed them and made
them read Good fug one drunk
The great question that now arises is; Can
Turkey preserve her autonomy" y man may
lose his teeth ana be suatchcd bad.hcadrd
without fatal consequences, but If be loses his
autonomy" where is he?
The editor of the Strcato7 Noaaor Ia, had Il
sad experience with hard cider. Hear him,
"When you 20 to . dance, don't drink too much
'4NIl " lth NlhbN' ''''i ~ 80 va ''FN w N"l'lh
who mixes The drnks,' is the sorrowful adj
vice Of one who speaks from experience.
An Indian walked into the Office of u frontier
editor the other day and asked that his nam,
should be put In the paper. Next day the pa
per came out with an article declaring Indians
TO be susceptible to the influences Of civilization
Speaking Of Ole Bull, the Burlington Hnrtcy
e.. ~ HI
Of arms "VidL' u saw o, fddlesticks.
Bob " .ngcrsoll has become so popular tha
letter addressed 10 him from any part of III,
United States, with the simple inscription, Bob
Ingersol, Illinois" will be sure 10 reach him "a
Peoria What saving Of ink and time # every
one was rs popular OIrGoa CoT'T.
\ letter addressed TO BOSS Tweed, United
States" would be sure TO reach him at Ludlow
Street Jail. Now, which Is the most popularc.t
4 cotemporary says; It is all right for churl
choirs TO screnade newly married people, la
there are more appropriate hymns for such oc
casions than What shall the Harvest be" Nine
~ and Nine wouldn't be just the thing, either
1t too many"
i must be admitted that Tor The few numbe
Of votes given, the Greenbacl party made NOR
AAE AApAhN " Ah' 0'tAA'N aAN4. NAAtAAs lllt NAli
paign than any other party in the field.
The sad effects Of the prevailing prcsldentia
uncertainty are thus lorciby illustrated by IN
Watseka Tune
Two little chaps were sitting on the Tim,
stairs the other day, boring gimlet holes In thei
heels for the skate screws. " Bill said one ,
them, this hyer suspends about lection goe
awful hard on my dad" "'Idoes on mine, TOO
remarked Bill; he amt done burned thing 4
month, and he says he hasn't the heart
work But nanny don't seem 20 mind IL niue
and she takes In whole piles o washin' eyei
day"
New words are being constantly added TO Of
language. For instance, the daily inquiry mac
by one citizen Of another as 10 who Is elects
now, IL almost universally answered by dam
no.