Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1876-04-06
ITEMS OF INTEREST.
BALLS for Lent-fish-balls.

TRIPLES light as hair are eagerly seized
upon by baldheaded man.
LIKELY to be stunning affair-for the
fishes-the He'll Gate explosion.
DEEP thinkers-visitors in coal-mine,
thinking if they will get out alive.
THE Philadelphia Bulletin thinks the
ways of Boston will be crookeder than ever.
now that she has lost her elm.
ACCORDING to the poet, Morn awakes
the world;" but, according to other good
authorities, a baby with collie does it
A CERTAIN woman, never a widow, fire.
quently speaks of her I" late husband, +" be-
cause he never gets home until after mid
night.
THE English shop-keeper is a marvel of
facile subserviency When you decline
to purchase one of his tempting wares he
says "thank you," just as much as if you
had purchased.
SIxTY-FIvE brand new doctors have grad
uated and just been turned loose upon
Pennsylvania. In view of this, if is not
strange that grave-stones have advanced
in price all over the State.
sTUDENT.-Professor, can you say that
from the use of certain malt liquors you
know by experience that they will intoxi
cate? Professor-No, it would be better
to say that you know it by example.
AT a little gathering the other evening
somebody asked man if he was fond of
the opera. He said he was, passionately.
He always liked that part where the lady
rides around and jumps through the
hoops.
AFTER the ceremony the other evening
in Seaford, Md, the happy groom handed
the minister a twenty five cent shinplaster,
saying: q reckon twenty cents are about
the right thing, amt it," and then waited
for his nickel.
A PITTSBURGH girl went through the
livery stable to count the white horses,
expecting to meet her future husband;
when she had reached the charmed num-
Der, she fell fainting into the arms of
Chinese hOstler.
WHEN you see a man wheeling coal
from the vessels into the yards, don't turn
up your nose at his sooty face, but remem-
Der that Sir George Elliott, the largest
coal proprietor in the world, was once a
pit boy in the mines.
MIR. MARROWFAT threw out a fine
thought at the table the other evening.
He remarked that man with much hon
esty about him in these times must feel
good deal like tying it up in rag for
safety.-BrOOklyn Argus.
A BOY was asked which was the great
est evil, hurting another's feelings or his
finger. "The feelings" he said. Right,
my dear child" said the gratifed priest;
"and why is it worse to hurt the feelings?''
" Because you can't tie a rag round
them" exclaimed the child.
A YOUNG lady dressed in much false
hair was warbling at the piano, and when
her mother summoned her to assistin some
household duties, her rosy lips opened
poutingly and she snapped out 90, do
it yourself!" And then she went on sing
ing Kind words can never die"
"'TAINT no use in your cryin'," said
heartless maiden to her PROSTATE lover;
{" wouldn't marry you if you were the
last man On earth" We'll, Mary" he
replied, breathing through his nose with
great difficulty, you'll lend me your
pocket handkerchief, won't you?'>
A CLERGYMAN's widow gave this advice
to young lady friend the other day:
"Jane, if ever you marry minister,
marry one who in an emergency has
enough of the grace of God in his heart
to go from the pulpit to the kitchen, and
pare the potatoes for dinner without
growing"
CHARLES BROWN, of Georgetown, KY,
was made ready for burial, the supposition
being that he was dead; but he revived,
and his wife was about to send the coffin
back TO the undertaken Mr. Brown
said: "No, we'll keep it for I 'spose l
really will die some day, and it'll come
handy then, if / don't outgrow it."
ILLNESS 10 oil cACcllGub wearing
quality. 1t has been called the bright
weather of the heart. It gives harmony
to the soul, and is perpetual song with
out words. 1t is tantamount to repose.
1t enables nature to recruit its strength;
whereas worry and discomfort debilitate
it, involving constant wear and tear
A MAN named John McKelvey, resi-
dent of Kittanning, Pa, dropped dead in
the bar-room Of @. G.. Jessop, in that
place, recently. Wien the California
gold fever first broke out, McKelvey left
a wife and family in Armstrong County,
and went to that State in search of for
tune, and was not heard of again for
twenty-seven years. When he came back
he found his wife had married believing
him dead, and the farm had passed by the
operation of the law into the hands of his
children. He brought considerable money
home with him, and after a time induced
his wife to live with him until the time of
her death, some few years ago. He also
recovered his property from the heirs So
he was not much of an Enoch Arden,
after ALL