Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1876-12-01
Mar -AddIer in the Illustrated Weekly.
S'pOsin'.


While Judge Copley was sitting in his
office the other day looking over some law
papers, the door opened and man hobbled
in upon crutches. Proceeding to a chair,
and making a cushion of some newspapers,
he sat down very gingerlY, placed a band
aged leg upon another chair and said
''Judge, my name is Briggs. | called in
judge, to get your opinion about little
point of law. Mr.. Judge s'posin' you lived
up the pike here half mile. next door
to a man named johnson. And s'posin'
you and johnson were to get into an argu-
ment about the human intellect, and you
was to say to Johnson that a splendid illus
tration of the superiority of the human in
tellect was to be found in the power of the
human eye to restrain the ferOcity of wild
animal. And s'pOsin' JOhnsOn'waS to re-
mark that that was all bOsh, because nobO-
dy could hold a wild animal with the hu-
man eye; and you should declare that you
could hold the savagest beast that was ever
born if you could once fix your gaze on him.
''Weil, then, s'posin' johnson was to say
he'd bet a hundred dollars that he could
bringa tame animal that you couldn't hold
with your eye, and you was to take him up
on it, and johnson was to ask you to come
down to his place to settle the bet. You'd
go, We'll say, and Johnson'd wander round
to the back of the house and pretty soon
come front again with dog bigger'n any
four decent dogs ought to be. And then
s'pOsin' Johnson'd let go of that dog and
sick him on you, and he'd come at you like
a sixteen inch shell out of howiJzer, and
you'd get sherry about it and try to hold
the dog with your eve and couldn't. And
s'posin' you'd suddenly conclude that may
be your kind of an eye wasn't calculated to
hold that kind of dog, and you'd conclude
to break for plum tree, in order to have
d chance to collect your thoughts, and try
to reflect what sort of an eye would be best
to mOllify that sort of dog.
You ketch my idea of course?
''Very well, then s'posin' you'd take
your eye off that dog; johnson, mind you,
all the time sicking him on and laughing,
and you'd turn and leg it for the tree, and be-
gin TO swarm up as fast as you could. Well,
sir, s'posin' Just as you got three fe from
the ground, Johnson's dog would grab you
by the leg and hold on like wise, shaking
you until YOU nearly lost your hold. And
s'pOSin' johnson was to stand there and
hOller. Fix your eye on him, Briggsi Why
don't you manifest the power of the human
intellect? and so on-gassln away with
ironical remarks like those: and s'pOsin' he
kept that dog on that leg until he made
you swear to pay the bet, and then, at last,
had to pry. the dog off with hot poker,
bringing away at the same time half
pound of your meat in the dogs mouth, so
that YOU had to be carried home on a
stretcher, and to hire four doctors to keep
you from dying with lOckjaw.
''S'posin' this, what | want to know Is,
couldn't you sue johnson for damages, and
make him pay heavily for what that dog
did? That's what want to get at.
The judge thought for a minute and
then said:
"Well, Mr.. Briggs, don't think could.
If l agreed to let johnson set the dog on
me, should be party to the transaction
and could not recover"
''Do you mean TO say that the law won't
make that internal sooundrel, johnson,
suffer for letting his dog eat me up?'
81 think not, if you state the case pro
perly"
''It won't, hey?' exclaimed Mr.. Briggs,
Historically. 'tOh. very well! very well!
It's beautiful government, this is! Beau
tiful amt it? l s'pose if that dog had
chewed me all up, and spit me out it dive
been all the same to this constitutional Re
public. But blame me if l don't have sat
isfaction. FL kill johnson, poison his dog,
and emigrate to some country where the
rights of citizens are protected. If don't
you may bust me Openr'
Then Mr.. Briggs got on his crutches and
hObbled out He is still citizen and will
vote at the next election.