The news and herald. [volume] (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1876-1881, 1876-12-07
A CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT,
A New Man in the Field Who Lays Him
self Open to Investigation.

"A"-> OiitC3o tilc uolu lSl tuS IcSl-
dency and sends to tho philadelphia
B"ileti" his platform of principles,
Us follows
/ have pretty much made up my
mind now to run for the Presidency.
What the country wants is q candi-
date who cannot be injured by inves-
tigation of his past history, 50 that
the enemies of the party will be un-
able to rake up against him things
that nobody ever heard Of before
If you know the most about u candi-
date to begin with, every attempt to
spring things on him will be check
mated. Now, L om going to enter
the field with an open record. 1 am
gong to own up III advance to all
tho wickodncss L have done, unu if
any Congressional committee is dis
posed to prowl around my bioyra-
ply, in the hope Of finding any dark
and deadly deed which L have secrc-
ted, why, let it prowl.
In the first place 1 admit that I
did tree rheumatic grandfather of
mine in the winter Of 1859. He was
old and not expert in climbing tees,
but with a heartless brutality that is
characteristic of mo L ian him out Of
tho front door in his night shirt, at
the point of shot gun, and caused
him to bowl up a maple tree, where
he remained all night while [ emp
tiel hot shot into his legs. I did
this because he snorei. I will do it
again if ever have grandfather
who snores. I am as inhuman now
as [ ever was in 1859. No rhcunat-
lc person shall snore in my house.
l candidly acknowledge that L ran
away at the battle Of Gettysburg.
My friends have tried to smooth over
this matter by asserting thatI mere
ly got behind tree that I did so
for the purpose of initiating Wash
ington, who went into the woods ut
Valley Forge to say his prayers.
It is u miserable subterfuge, I cut
in IL straight line for the Tropic
Of Cancer simply because 1 Was scared.
| waited my country saved, but
l preferred having somebody else
suve her. I entertain that preference
yet. If the bubble, reputation c;.n
be obtained only at the can
mons mouth I am willing to go
there for it, providing the can
non is empty. If it is loaded, my
immortal and inhexible purpose is to
get suddenly over the fence and go
home. My invariable practice in war
has been to bring out Of any given
fight two-thirds more men than I
took in. This seems to mo to be
Napoleonic in its grandeur
The first time L ran for the Presi-
dency there was some talk about my
implication in transaction with the
widow Polluck's ducks. The matter
was hushed up, but have no objec-
tion TO admitting tho truth respect
ing it. I have always had q favolite
theory that roast ducks were con
ducive to hysterical symptoms, and,
us every instinct Of my nature
prompts me to protect the widow
from the ravages of hysteria, I en-
tercd the coop in the garden and
regrctfully but firmly removed those
ducks. The fact that she begun a
prosecution against nc is not mat
ter of consequence. 1t is the fate
of the philan thropist to be misun-
derstood. But duty is my guiding
star, and if it leads me to ducks or
destruction 1 snail follow. 1885,.
: My financial views are of the most
decided character, but they are not
likely, perhaps, to incrcase my popu-
EritY with the advocates of initiation
and contraction. I do not insist
upon tho special supremacy of rag
money or hard money. The funda-
mental principle of my life is to take
any kind that 1 can get. The rumor
that I buried dead aunt under
one of my grapeyines is founded
upon fact. The vino needed ferri..
lizing, my:aunt had to- DO, buried,
and L dedicated her to this high
purpose. Does that unfit me for
the Presidency? The constitution
Of our country does not say 80. No
OGiloI ClClZen was ever COnSlQ9fou I'm
worthy of the Office because he en-
riched his gr.lpevines with his rela-
tions. Why should I be selected as
tho first victim of an absurd preju-
dice? ..t t..
T admit, also, that T an not q
friend of the poor man. I regard
the poor man, in his present condi-
ton, rs SO much wasted raw mate
rial. Gut up and properly canned
he might be made useful to fatten
the natives of the Cannibal islands
and to improve our export trade
with that region, T shall recon-
mend legislation upon. the subject in
my first message. My campaign
cry will be: "Dessicnte the poor
working man Stuff him into sau-
sage !"
These are about the worst parts
of my records. On them I come
before the country. IT my country
don't want me I will 60 back again.
But I recommend myself as q safe
man---a man who starts from the
basis of total depravity and pro-
poses to be fendish to the last.