The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1876-01-07
Wit and ilumOr.

Wit and num0r.
A sEAMsTRrss' standardization.
POLITE literature-Civil Justice e.
cords.
REAL estate artists--People who draw
lots.
A PRODUCE exchange has provisional
government.
AN Englishman travelling in Ireland
remarked to the driver OF coach upon
the tremendous length of Irish miles,
"Confound your Irish miles! Why,
there's no end 10 them !" "Sure, sir,
said the coachman, "the ROADS are bad
about here, and 50 we give good meas
ure."
LOVING wife" Husband, dear, don't
forget to send the dressmaker around SO
that L can have my dress finished be-
fore Sunday, sure" Husband" Now,
Sarah, there is no fret about that dress
guess the heavens won't fall if it is not
done this week" Wife" John you
know next Sunday is Communion, and
haven't asingle dress but that l have worn
TO Communion at least twice. They'll
all know me by the clothes wear before
a great while.
You mean TO say You won't do iti'
exclaimed the excited agent. "You
won't insure III company that guaran-
tees ten per cent. annual dividend
gives away cancels hair shawl to your
wife the second year, and plants you i'll a
$3.50 rosewood coffin when you die z
You mean to say you won't take out a
policy like that I" "No," returned the
individual, coldly, "honesty is the best
policy"
AUTHOR TO TIE CoMPosuoR.
Compositor, in paper cap absurd,
Who dost with subtle, deyilish delight,
In every "st.ckful" substitute some word
70 spoil the sense of what my pen doth write;
Who didst the other day, most cruelty
Impair my beaUteous sonnet to clam,
And thereby wrought much mischief unto me,
Because, perforce, i sinncd in saying damn;
| would the Inquisition nourished now,
A. in those good old days when pious bricks
served God by torturing sinners such as thou,
And won great peace by burning heretics;
I'd send thee racEed and bowling TO thy grave,
Thou leprous, squint-eyed, base, type-setting
knave!
-IeleJ ArLicrigM.
DURING recent examination of class
of youngsters in one of the Chemung
County IN. " schools. the teacher
asked :" What is a monarchy" and was
imme diately answered by bright little
eight-year old boy: "a country gov
erned 10y a King" "Who would rule
if the King should diel" "The Queen"
And If the Queen should die, who,
then, would be ruler 2" "The Jack.
The last Berlin K1adderdddtsch de-
votes an amusing little cartoon to the
Cuban question and Don Carlos. 1t
represents most rascally looking
Yankee crawling mp out OF a cavern with
outstretched fingers to pluck jewel
from the Spanish crown, while Don Car
los, DIM III the distance, dances with ex-
element, and shouts out : "Alfonso
Alfonso look out There's fellow
trying to steal a piece of my crown from
YOU"
WHEN O'Connell was a member of the
British Parliament he once allowed his
temper TO get the better of his discre-
ton, and committed fragrant breach of
order and decorum. He said the House
was composed of six hundred scouadrels.
An apology was demanded, and he was
called to the bar. He said 9" Mr..
Speaker, / said last night that the House
was composed of six hundred scoun-
drels-and am sorry for it..
\ CONTEMPORARY recalls an anecdote
of the celebrated Admiral Paine. On
one occasion he received from friend
who was rather addicted to the venal vice
Of betting note that ran somewhat to
the following effect: Dear Paine-I
have wagered 50 pounds that you were
bred to the sea" To this the gallant
Admiral CURLY replied Wrong. The
sea was bread to me-"
WarE some boys were skating on one
OF the slips up the river gentleman
noticed one on the bank VINO looked
longingly but who had no means of en-
joying the sport. "Weil, bub, haven't
you any skates 2" "No, sir" "Why
nots" "'Cause mother says amt pre-
pared to die, and father says he needs
the money to buy him some undershirts :"
was the lonesome reply.-DctroH Free
Press.
A VIRGINIA, New, husband went to
the depot the other day to receive his
wife, whom he had not seen for two
years. When the train came in he
sprang forward to assist her from the
car, and had managed to say, "My
dear when she put in to the follow
ing effect How is Mrs. Smiths Have
you seen Toml What dreadful Jour
ney I've had. Why don't you take your
pants out of Your bootsl You must pos
itively have that hair of yours cut right
away. You're smoking again, i see.
Have you got nice rooms! hope you
haven't been drinking, dearest. Oh,
dear me, how muddy it is !"