Wilmington journal. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1844-1895, 1876-05-12
Grants New War Secretar,


The Fat Contributor has this to say
of Gen. Grants new Secretary of War:
Although one of the best lawyers in
the country, Judge Taft don't know
anything about war. He never FREQ
off two horse lumber wagon. But
he is determined to learn. The other
day Grant dropped in at the War Of
flee, and found Lis new Secretary deep
afhong official documents.
Posting yourself up. Alphonso? said
the President, with an encouraging
smile.
Yes, said The Judge eagerly, I want
to know everything pertaining to the
bureau business. 1have been running
over the disbursements of the dep rt
ment for the last year, to see what was
expended for catapults.
For cata- what? said the Presi~
dent, pausing as he was about to strike
a match on his boot to light fresh
cigar.
Catapu is. You have them in the
army, haven't yon? said the Judge. in
rather an uncertain tone of voica
The President smiled a little, and
said they did hive u few left over from
the war, but lie believed they had all
been used up. Then the Secretary
said he shon!d certainly order some
more made, for he considered the cat
apult one of the most eff -ctive Weap-
ons in modern warfare. They did
great execution at the siege of Jerusa-
lem, a [ rem mber reading, mnsed
the Secret Try, ana 1t il doubtful
whether Iiberius would have been
able to have reduced the city without
them
Grant looked at his new Secretary
through the city sm ,ko few moments,
and then told him if he ordered any
catapults he had better have them
rjhed, with an adjustable. mnzzie-load.
ing bayonet. and the Secretary made
memorandum to that effect.
| see that considerable money has
been spent il experimenting with or
pc does, continued the Secretary, look
ing over the disbursements That
seems to be waste of money, and it
encourages a bad habit among chill
dren.- Serious accidents have f.e-
quently resulted from l.tt'e boys
throwing torpedoes uuder horses feet
on the Fourth of July, and it ought to
be stopped.
The President allowed tha, the tor
pedo wasn't thing to fool with, aud
the Secretary read on. SuddeuIy he
jumped 10 his f~et. while the hot, in
blood fl !shed to his very tenn
p os, as he exclaimed: No wonder the
is Impoverished. and the tax
payer groaning beneath his t-irdens
Here. while trade laguishes and the,
wheels Of industry are clogged all over
the land, my predeces or has been
shipping luxurious delacacies to tue
garriso"s of our forts, thinly cou-
C aled under the term ''shel!." What
does shell mean? Shell oysters, of
course! That's what it means. But
they don't get any shell while I am
Secretary. I'll settle that
That's right, said the President, If
they get any oysters make them "sheli
out for them themselves; aud then he
ad led, aside to himself, they would
have to if they bought them of one of
post traders.
Yes, con inued the Secretary, look
at the Quantity of grapes on hand,
classed among the Munitions of War.
What does grape mean, and what is it
for?
1t is to wash down the shell oysters
with, [ suppose, said Grant with
merry twiakle in his eye, which the
Judge didn't see.
That's 1t exactly, cried the Judge.
Keeping the soldiers on VINE and oys-
ters, while thousands of people are
around in a hopeless search
for free lunch. L tell you, Lyssis,
this is scapdalous
The President, as he arose to go.
said he was glad lie h; d Secretary Of
War. at length. who was determined
to look into things and reform abuses,
and cautioning him not TO forget. to
have those catapnIts rified. he returned
to the White House with broader
grin on his fac than anybody had
ever seen there before