Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1876-12-27

HUMOKOUS.
GA cAsT-1RoN grandmother" is not
term of reproach, but only new ma
chine for darnine stockings.
A LADY wished seat in crowded
hall. A handsome gentleman gave
her chair. "You are a Jewell" she
said. 30, no, I am jeweler; have
just set the jewel"
JOSH BILLINGS says frst-rate thing
occasionally. For instance: "Per-
severance always wins. I have known
never ought to-"
BILL: "What, Jim, my boy, met
with another accident?" Jim: GAG
cident [ meet with nothing else I
never 60 out but expect to see myself
brought home dead on shutter"
MoNoGRAMs are no longer fashion
able, and people who desire to be In
style will set to work on the tea-kettle,
coal-bunker and ice-chest, and pause
not till the last end of monOgramism is
rubbed out.
Observation-Disclosures on cars be-
tween the Centennial Grounds and
Philadelphia. "Say, Uncle Bile, wot
rivers this? IS this the Hudson? p
"Wy, no, Isrel; you're turned round,
amt ye? This is Pennsylvania river;
they call it the Goosequill."
The speaker at an anniversary meet-
ing mournfully said: "One by one our
friends are passing from us into the
land of shadows" "WeI," exclaimed
an old lady, "you wouldn't have 'em 20
two by two, or all in q huddle, would
your"
TICKET, sir p said railroad ticket
collector the other day to passenger.
"My face is my ticket" replied the
other, little vexed. Indeed ?" said
the ticket collector, displaying most
powerful bunch of fves, !" "Well, my
orders are to punch all tickets !"
A BNGHAMToN man is suing for q
divorce from his wife on the plea that
she has glass eye that is always open
nights, and the "aspect makes him
nervous" He coaxed her to close it
with red sealing wax, but that only in
creased his terror.
A Boston newspaper asserts that a
western manufacturer sent pair of
lady's slippers to the Centennial with
out designating their use, and they
were at once assigned prominent
place among boats and nautical affairs.
THEY had been engaged a long time,
and one evening were reading the pa
per together. Look, love-" he ex-
claimed, "only SIS for suit of
clothes!" "Is it wedding suit 2" she
asked, looking naively at her lover.
ooh, no !" he replied, it is a business
suit" We'll, meant business" she
replied"
A POOR fellow in Illinois, with weak
appetite, was tantalized by being able
to dispose of only the following tit-bit
at supper: Two dozen fried oysters,
two dozen raw oysters; one sirloin
steak, two and half pounds; one lake
trout, three pounds two quails On toast,
one prairie chicken, one plate of ham
and eggs, one venison steak, two large
loaves of bread, two dishes of crackers,
and three cups Of tea.
W. had shipped heavy sea, the
furniture in the smoking room had be-
come loose, and I crawled into the
dining-room, where I found Mrs. w.
stretched upon the sofa, holding on by
the curtains. care you ill?" I ex-
claimed. The vessel gave lurch in
her usual style, and we chung to the
curtain together. "No," she answered,
but how can we amuse ourselves
The water is in the cellar and it is too
wet to go on the roof"
AMONG the spectators standing
around the Webster statue in Central
Park, Sunday forenoon, was respect
able-looking man leading boy of ten
or twelve, to whom he said: "Look
there, my son! That's a great man.
That's Webster, who made all our die
tionaries Another spectator was
heard to remark to a stranger who
seemed curious in regard to the like
ness: 4 seen him once when he come
out O court, and the minute the cloth
was hauled off yesterday knowed him.
He had on blue coat with brass but
tons, just exactly the same as he's got
on now ~