davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1876-12-16
Josh Billings Philosophy

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS.
Q.-What breed ov cows are the
best mixers? Ky
A.-The natiff stock are the milk
ers pedigree won't fill a milk-pail;
you kant breed good mixers emmy
more than yu kan breed mountain
spring.
Q.-What religious kreed is the
best ?
A.--The best religious kreed that
emmy one kan have is to do, unto
others az yu would like to hav them
do unto yu, keep bizzy and honest,
and fully understand that kreeds in
b, aven are Of no more akount than
pedigrees are.
Q.-What three things hav done
the most TO civilize the world 7
A.-The Bible, the looking glass
and the musket.
Q.-What liz the safest thing that
ennybody can doY
A.-Keep yure mouth shut and
yure ears and eyes wide open.
Q.-What IL The quickest food on
reckord?
A.-The oyster on the half-shell /;
they can be ct sitting, standing or
on the run.
Q.-Will yu please define an en-
thusiast /?
Am enthusiast is a party who
behaves 4 times az much az he kan
prove, and who kan prove 4 times az
much az emmy body else behaves.
Q.-Who are the two greatest mu-
sicians the world has ever produced ?
A.-The bobollnN and the mock
ing bird.
Q.-Who il it that haz no enemies
while living and no friends when
dead? 49,
A.-The pauper.
Q.-What is the right age to mar
A.-Ennywhare between q and 81
years of age.
Q.-How menny PEG. lie are there
now living, or ded, who never told
lie?
A.-Not more than six, and not
one ov them could sware to 1T with
out being suspecked ov perjury.
Q.-What is woman's chief JOY
in this world
Alter own or somebody else's
baby.
(Which liz the most diflident
critter amung the animiles
Aft / am not mistaken, il is a
bob-tailed cat.
Q.-now menny yards duz it take
to make lady's silk dress
Al don't kno, bat IL allwuss
takes 2 yards and half more than
yu buy the first time.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1876-12-16
Talmage On Wade Han W
ton


The Rev. DIR. De Witt Tai
mage spoke in his sermon on Sun
day of the policical situation in
an earnest manner, and in The
course of his remarks, said: II
know no more admirable docu-
meme than that of Wade Hampton.
Ii is the hand and voice of God
helping us in 1876 as he delivered
US in l7T6. He is not worn out
with our Holdings and ingrati-
tude. There will be no civil war,
and no need ofany contest. Woe
be to the man who dares propose
it He will wish he had never
heen born, tApplause.l Where is
tie monster chat will by pen or
tongue. strive to raise strife? May
his lips turn white with eternal
Ieprosy No! The people are de-
termined to find out what is right.
Though this question may be uu-
settled for weeks AMI months.
when it is settle the people will
be pleased as they were on the
Inauguration Of James Madison.
John Adams. or George Washing
ton. God has not brought us out
OF Egypt to leave Us in the wilder
ueSS.O
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1876-12-16
CHILDREN's PUDDING

Cut up a loaf of stale bread the
day before it is required, and put to
soak in pan of cold water when
going to mix, squeeze the water
through colander, putthe bread in
a pan, with two ounces of suet chop
ped fine, two tableblespoonfuls OF
flour, some grated ginger, and lit
tie mixed spice; beat well up with a
fork mix half pound of treacle
mot golden syrup with a little warm
milk; then stir all together, and boil
three hours in cloth, basin or mold.
This will make large pudding much
liked by children. 1t is cheap and
wholesome. WIN
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1876-12-16
Tall Writing.
Elizabeth Journal.

Tall writing may be found In
benevolent society reports AS a
preface to statement of the num-
Der OF garments given to Mary
Smith or Sally Simpkins. Here is
some pretty talk by way of sam
pie from recent document of that
sort that has just come under our
eye: The ceaseless waves OF time.
ever bearing their ripple marks
on earth's life shore man ks called
days, weeks, months, and years,
have brought Us to the Hrst annual
goal OF our association, checkered
with transpiring events, which.
like mile stones, serve 10 mark out
the advance w8 have already
made.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1876-12-16

The National banking capital of
West Virginia is reported by the
Comptroller of the Currency at
81 ,971 900, on which was paid for the
year 1875 United States taxes to the
amount of $25,776, and State tax to
the amount of $30,102. The ratio of
United States tax to capital was IL
and of State tax 1.3. In Ohio the
ratio was "a and la. At Pittsburgh
it was 0.5 and IA.
During the six months ending
March LIST, 1876, the West Virginia
National hanks charged off to profit
and loss 9,777 40 of bad debts, and
for the next six months, ending Sep.
l. they charged off SIG %, During
the same periods Pittsburgh Nation
al banks charged off $765 1897, and
$257 .317 so.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1876-12-16

A sigh of relief went round the
circle, and if the red heifer had known
how she had risen in the estimation
of a majority of Stringers, her frac-
tious soul would have leaped for
joy.
That was several years ago, and
now the red heifer is a cow, and the
worst one in the neighborhood. The
Stringers say, IS they punch and
plague her, "S'longs we keep Old
Red wild, dad won't git any more o.
that awful relijun."
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1876-12-16
A Thrilling Accident.

SCRANTON, Pa, Nov. 27.-The
widest and most improbable OF
JulesVerne's'Scientific Roinances'
contains nothing more thrill
ing than an accident that has just
occurred al Dunmore, one of The
suburbs OF this city, and the great
shipping center of the Pennsylva-
MIA coal company. The coal trains
are hois.ed up series of steep
planes over the undulatiug noun
tains that intervene between
Scranton and Hawley, by u finely
regulated and admirably equip
ped system of machinery, and
where gentle slopes and long
"levels''occur are sped onward by
siav.sation under. CONTROL Of ali
experienced corps OF brakemen.
A runawa train down one of
those sharply sloping places is .
rare occurred ce, every precation
possible being taken ln avert such
an accident. Yet occasionally
there Is u runaway, AID Its head
long flight is something terrific.
The train of which l speak con-
sisted of four Cars laden with coal.
they were drawn up the plane BY
4 stout wire rope, and were pre-
ceded by a small truck known rs
the balance Car" just as they
had reached within lew feet Of
the head house, the fastening gave
way, a moments pause, aud the
coal train commenced its wild ca
reer down the mountain side, strik-
ing terror into the hearts of tie
workmen at the engine house as
they saw it speed away. Down,
il dashed with 4 rush ike a whirl-
wind, gaining in momentum as ii
went until it neared the front of
the plane.
A workman named Durkin, who
was engaged pushing a car along
a branch track at the foot, immedl-
ately in the way of the runaway,
saw it approach him and was par
alyzed with awe. II was yet Sow
eral yards distant,and he made a
desperate effort to escape. But
with q velocity almost as great as
that of q cannon ball struck him
and the Car by which he was
standing swept. g both distance
of Two hundred yards until Dur
kin aud the car collided with
large coal tr in lying on the eveI.
The scene that ensued battles de-
seription. The crash was follow
ed by d thick cloud of coal, pieces
of wood and iron, land in the midst
of the destructive iumult, poor
Durkin was torn to pieces. The
men who saw him when he was
struck looked for HIM after the
force OF the shock had been spent,
and were h0rritied to find him cut
up INTO fragments, the largest of
which weighed no more than a
pound The strength of the shock
may be imagined when i state
that heavy car wheels were flung
as high as the car shops, fully a
night OF twenty feet ia the air.
The accident, which is the first ia
tai ;nishap that has ever occurred
on NJ 6.plane, is described by those
.nl.o Witnessed it as being wildly
grand " hen the rushing train de-
scepded. Ike "a thunderbolt, down
the steep track The plane is con-
strucled on g, 'ade of one TO every
three feet. Durk,. n was over sixty
years Of age and haL pseh IN .lie
employ OF the Pennsy. Van'" 'oa'
company for twenty yea To-
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1876-12-16

A large iive-story brick mill at st.
Louis, Mo-, used for grinding homi-
ny and meal, fell Saturday evening
with terrible crash. The mill was
in operation four men were in it !;
all the gas jets were burning and a
red hot heating stove was dispensing
its warmth TO the establishment
But nothing took fire and nobody
was hurt. The machinery in the
mill cost $4,000. H%t
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1876-12-16

About ninety Sioux Indians, who
a few weeks ago were taken from Red
Cl, nd and Spotted Tail agencies to
the Indian Territory on tour of in
vestigation, passed through Omaha
yesterday en- route home. The Indi-
an agent who has them in charge
says they seem well pleased with the
country and that it is probable will
move there next year.
Martinsburg independent. [volume] (Martinsburg, W. Va.) 1875-1900, 1876-12-16
! = 9 ~ ~ y 3

~
are now prepared to fur ish all classes
with constant employment at home. the
whole of the time, or for their spare mo.
menis Business new, light and prchta-
Bile. Persons of either ser easily earn FROM
SO cents to So. per evening and a proper
tional sum by devoting their whole time
TO the BHsincss. Boys and glib can eafn.
nearly as much as men That all who zee.
this notice may send their address and test,
the business we make this unparalleled Of
fer I: To such as are not well satisfied, we
will send one dollar to pay for the trouble
of writing. Full particulars, samples
worth several dollars 10 commence work
ON, and copy Of Home and Fireside, one
Of the largest AID best illustrated publ.
cations, al sent free by mail. Reader, Ii
sou want permanent and profitable work.
address Csc SrIssox 4 Co. Augusta, Ne.
sept33, 1875, Ara. 81 4egg
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1876-07-20
Tranps.

The tramp nuisance has developed
into alarming proportions in the West.
Bands of over 200 go together. They
board railway trains, refuse to pay fares
or get off, and In one case threatened
to tie the engineer and run the train
themselves if he refused to haul them.
A few days since they threw an express
train on the Alton and Chicago road off
the track, and they boarded Rockford
train and threatened violence If they
were not carried. Three hundred took
possession of an Iowa train, which was
at their mercy while they remained on
board, and over 500 arrived in Daven-
port in twenty-four hours. The author
tiles of Rock Island called out 100 war
veterans to protect the city from the
encroachment of the tramps that were
pouring into it from all quarters. The
country is full of them. They go in
bands, demand work which they do not
want, and food and clothes and money
when it is refused, commit depredations
on property, and in some cases have re-
sorted to acts of violence. People are
and the authorities are resort
ing to energetic measures to get rid of
what threatens to be a worse pest than
the grasshoppers.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1876-07-20
StupendOuS PaII.BackS.

Last Tuesday over Is, 900 persons were
assembled at Lords to witness a game
of cricket, the annual match between
Oxford and Cambridge, in which Oxford
came very decidedly out ofaathe little end
of the horn. I doubt whether the
ladies took much interest In the game,
but they must have found enough to
admire In each others tspuIl-back" dress
es, which are certainly calculated to
startle the unregenerate male mind.
Some of these dresses are now pulled
back to that degree that sitting down
In them must be simply impossible. As
the English woman is seldom constructed
on a very slight or fragile scale, the
effect of costume which reveals the
outlines of the whole figure is calculated
to considerably astOnish weak nerves. I
saw couple of young girls coming out
of the Royal Academy to-day, and at
first I really thought that brace of
statues had been endowed with motion,
and had walked down from their pedes-
tails into the street. For the dresses
were of very light and gauzy material,
and the pull back was simply stupendous,
and-but perhaps I had better not enter
any farther into the subject, for some
people are rather particular, and they
might not like it. I may go SO far as to
say that the streets of London, or the
fashionable evening parties, seldom pre-
sented more to interest the curious eye
than, they do at present. 1 should be
afraid to describe an evening dress I saw
the other night; you might say that my
letters had been condemned as improper
and that you had lost several subscribers
in consequence. If the next change in
fashion is not in totally-different di-
rection, artists will not find it necessary
to go to the statuary in the British Mu-
scum, or elsewhere, to study the human
form divine.-LOndon World.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1876-07-20
An Indiana Marriage.

The Terre Haute Ind.) Express prints
the following son Friday morning
Justice Sheets, of Paris, ILL.,, was called
upon by a happy couple. The man
beckoned him aside, and said that he
wanted to be married. The young lady
was %, while her lover was about ten
years her senior. The Justice adjusted
his spectacles, put on the look he usually
wears when about to make people CUM
happy for life, and told them to stand
up. This they did, and as he was about
to begin the ceremony, the following
formula was handed to him by the groom,
who stated that they had concluded to
be married by this Verbatim, it is as
follows 'Mr. w. G. Cole do you take
this woman Ida Hutchins whom you
hold by the rite hand to your lawful
and welded wife in the presence of God
and these witnesses. So long as you
both love each other and live happy to-
gether and will you endeavor to make her
happiness and that of yourself and fami-
lys. hour hest earthly aim to take care of
her in sickness and in health, so long as
you both live together as husband and
wife?' The same formula was presented
interrogatively to the lady, except that
the sentence to do your duty by him as
long as you live together as husband and
wife, was interpolated at the close. The
parties live at Chrisman, ILL.,"
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1876-07-20
Dom Pedro,s Impressions.

The Philadelphia correspondent of the
New York Times writes ''The very
hardest of all the workers at the Exhibi-
ton was Dom Pedro, and he has left.
Never did a highly-bred and accom-
plished gentleman see any exhibition
more fully or more at his ease. [ rather
take up the cudgels for the great Ameri-
can public, as far as it relates to their con-
duct in regard to the Brazilian Emperor.
/ have CHANGED to come across Dom Pc
dro some twenty times at the big show,
and though I May have seen people in
his immediate neighborhood, / never
noticed anything like crowding, nor an
attempt to get in his way. If at any fu-
tUre exhibitions in England or France
His Imperial Highness gets along as well
[ shall be surprised. One of his aids
fully indorses my views, as he said to
me. My imperial master will always re-
member the delicate attention paid him
by the American crowd. It is the best
hammered assemblage of people we have
ever seen out of Brazil. It is nothing
vulgar nor intrusive in its composition /:
all the men are gentlemen, and the
women-why they are angels Does
not the Emperor, asked, prompted by
feeling of peculiar solicitude for men
who have to see men and write them up
in temperature of 81 degrees, does
not the Emperor work his secretaries
quite hard 2 'No,not at all. The notes
His Highness has taken are models of
brevity. Perhaps some cay later some
of us will have to transcfibe them from
his dictation, but it is quite as likely
that my master will write them up at sea
during our voyage to Europe, or on his
return. The trouble we have is to pre-
vent him working too hard. His notes
are al in shorthand ;"
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1876-07-20
Communism.

In Springfield, VT, exists the ''Prac-
tical Cooperation Association" COM
posed of fifty-fve men and women, the
majority of whom are from 20 to %
years old. The association was started
about two years ago by an inhabitant of
Springfield, who, with four others, hav-
ing capital of $1,000, hired small
shop with water power, and in it began
the manufacture of toys and other light
articles. They were regularly organized
as a cooperative society, open to persons
of proper character and capabilities, who
were required to have capital or en-
trance fee of 500. An easy and album
dant market was found for their goods,
and recruits joined them rapidly. They
soon owned their own building, and
were progressing rapidly when one of
their shops burned. A few withdrew
discouraged, but in two months new
shop was built. Thenceforth their pros
perity increased, and now the commu-
nifty is in forlrishing condition. All
not only work in the one shop, but they
are also all one family.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1876-07-20

The Esterly reaper, of Whitewater,
quarter circle, is the only machine that
lays the bundle perfectly even. Equal to any
in all other respects, it exces all other respers
in HliS. EsTERLY 4 Sons HARvEsTERs dispense
with all this machinery, and revolving and
vibrating rake strikes the butts of the cut grain
and carries it up and on to q transverse table
where it is pushed by reversible rake to the
binders. If the grain is light two bundles need
make but one Both rakes are driven by a
small spur wheel on the main axle of the driv-
ing wheel, working in spur gear, in connec-
ton with cam. rack and pinion. The whole
machine is simple, operates perfectly and CON-
mends itself to all visitors.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1876-07-20
Condolences of the Presidential Cam
paign.

It does not seem long ago that Gen.
Fremont was running for President, as
the special favorite of Young America.
The present Republican candidate, Gov.
HAYES. halls from the town of Fremont,
Ohio, SO named in honor of Gen. Ere
mont. Towns in the West appear to
grow big enough to have candidate for
President in very short time.
The Republican candidate for Presi-
dent, Gen. Hayes, and the present Presi.
dent. Gen. Grant, are both natives of
the same State, Ohio.
The last two Presidents, Mr.. Lincoln
and Gen. Grant, both hailed from the
same State, Illinois, at the time of their
election; and we came near having a
third Republican candidate, Mr.. Wash
burne, not only from the same State
with Gen. Grant, but from the same
town, Galena.
Mr.. Conkling, a leading Republican
candidate for the nomination, and Mr..
Seymour, leading Democratic candi-
date but for his own peremptory declln-
alton, are both residents of Utica, n. L.,
anu are brothers-in-law.
The four latest Democratic nominees,
Mcclellan, Seymour, Greeley and Ill
den. have all hailed from New York.
In early times we had three successive
Presidents Jefferson, Madison, and
Monroe-from the same State, Virginia.
from which another President, Wash
ington, had previously been taken.
OF the first six Presidents, four were
from Virginia, and two-the Adamses,
father and son-from Massachusetts.
The old and great State of New York
has never had but one President-Mar-
tin Van Buren-and that one only for q
single term. We mean only one Presi-
dent elected to the office; for, although
Fillmore served as President, ne was
only elected Vice President.
Seven Presidents Washington, JEFF
ferson, Madison, Monroe, Harrison,
Tyler, and Taylor-were natives of Vir-
ginia.
Tennessee has given us three Presi-
dents, two of them Andrew Us. though
one of these, Andrew Jackson, was ma
tive of North Carolina.
People differ entirely in opinion as to
which State the next President will haIl
from; but we venture to predict it will
be either from Ohio or New York
Ne2U York Le0OeT
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1876-07-20
DIR. Sage,s Gatarrh Kennedy

is no patent medicine humbug, got up to dupe
the ignorant and credulous nor is it represent
ed as being " composed of rare and precious
substances brought from the four corners OF
the earth, carried seven times across the great
desert of Sahara on the backs of fourteen
camels, and brought across the Atlantic ocean
en two ships" It is simple, mild, soothing
remedy, a perfect specific for CATARRH ar q
''CoLD IN THE HEAD !" also for Offensive
Breath, Loss or Impairment of the Sense OF
Smell, Taste, or Hearing, Watery or Weak
Eyes, Pain or Pressure in the Head, when
caused, as they all not unfrequently are, by the
violence of Catarrh
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1876-07-20
Power of Cooperation in Animals.

An energetic scientific gentleman in
England recently gave lecture to a
provincial audience on the power of CO.
operation il animals. He took as his
examples the bee. the beaver, and the
buffalo. His audience was much
pleased, and the elderly country clergy
man with whom he was staying seemed
especially delighted. But it is not easy
to realize to the mind the horror which
came into the breast of the scientific
gentleman when, sitting in the country
church on the following Sunday to hear
sermon from his host, he heard that
good man illustrate the wonderful works
of Providence by representing the bee,
the beaver, and the buffalo as all three
working together in some foreign land
in harmonious and systematic combina-
ton.
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1876-07-20
The Lake Superior Disaster.

An eyewitness of the disaster to the
steamer st. Clair says the flames spread
SO rapidly that the engineers were driven
from their post before the hose could be
attached. The flames passed up through
the roof of the cabin almost instantly,
enveloping all but one of the small
boats. The one which was launched was
large yawl. A rush was made for it
the moment it touched the water, and
as natural consequence it was capsized.
There was heavy sea running at the
time, and it was with difficulty the yawl
was righted, only to be capsized imme-
diateIy by the terror stricken people.
The boat was righted and capsized six
times before it was finally kept right
side up, and bailed out by the sailors,
who used their hats with which to bail.
When the yawl drifted away from the
burning steamer, the occupants. four in
number, ripped out the seats to use as
paddles, and cruised about in hopes of
rescuing more of the unfortunate pas
sengers. Only two were picked up.
They were floating on q hatch, and one
ward and shoreward until they landed
west of the ship canal, at the huts of
some fishermen.
AS soon as the fire was discovered
most of the passengers put on life-pre-
servers, but they availed them nothing in
the extremely cold water, except to float
the dead until they were picked up by
the tug.
The ST. Clair had on board sixteen
passengers and crew of fifteen. Twen-
~, civ Of %boro 11orichad
The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1876-07-20

WILHoFT's FEVER AND AGUE Tonic
This medicine is used by construction CON-
panies for the benefit of their employees, when
engaged in malarial districts. The highest tes-
timonials have been given by contractors and
by the Presidents of some of the leading rail-
roads in the South and West. When men are
congregated in large numbers in the neighbor-
hood of swamps and rivers, Wilhoft's Tonic
will prove valuable addition to the stock OF
medicines, and will amply reward the company
in the saving of time, labor and NJ oney. We
recommend it to all. G. r. FINLAY & Co, Pro
prietors, New Orleans.
For SALE BY ALL DRUGGIsTs