The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-07-01
CREAM OUR EXCHANGES.

of the three months civil broil In Aurora owe
the COW question! The cows perambuate tn
streets with their wonted ante-bellum freedom
and the pound master (who owns COW himself
spends his time sitting on store box arguing
that cows can't be kept shut up.
A wealthy Bremen merchant came to Phila
adelpha last week to see the centennial show
An evening or two after his arrival he met I
"strange woman in the street who with fa
speech beguiled him. He went after her stright
way as an OK goeth to the slaughter, or fool t.
the correction OF the stocks. Next morning hi
missed his pocket money, consisting OF $1,000
in German bank notes and $1,000 in U. S. bonds
He thinks "De longer one IFS de more he py tam
finds out"
Dom Pedro is successfully wrestling with the
American language. He told the long-winded
mayor of Omaha to hire hall, and remarked to
Mrs. Grant, "that's &c kind OF hairpin am"
The fool. killer roosts upon a grave yard fence
in happy mood. Every once in while he takes
out copy of The Phts5urgh Commercial, and
reads the following lines:
There's balm in Gilead-sovereign healer
It's magic name is Hayes and Wheeler"
The more you take Of it the better,
lOull ma IL laltnIul 10 Inc leller.
With that grin oycrspreads his countenance;
he rubs his hands, and says something that
sounds like, 80, guess not'-Cn Times.
General sympathy all over Europe and Ameri
ca is being expressed for Mrs. Ex-SHltan OF Tur
key. There are about eight hundred Of her, and
since the overthrow Of her husband the prospect
for eight hundred new summer bonncts is very
gloomy indeed.
No reputation is safe in these days. Prof
Huxley demonstrates that the horse is an eyolv-
ed form Of the orohippus. This scandal would
never have come out if the horse hadn't been
running for something.-Bqfalo EIpyess
Heslng, Burroughs and the rest of the Chicago
whisky ringsters who were sent to the Cook
county jail last Saturday are having jolly time
in their prison. A neighboring restaurant sup
plies them with their meals and though their
room is not an airy retreat, they are able keep
cool in the hottest weather from the airing they
get through the newspapers.
There are only two gallons ofwhisky, per year,
manufactured for each inhabitant Of the United
States, and 1t is a clear case that somebody's got
to 20 without
One Of the relatives OF the late A. T. Stewart
on The Rochester Democrat says: "Modcsty Is us
ually commendable; and in this connection we
cannot forbear the statement that we never
pressed ourselves on Cousin Aeck Stewart dur
ing the whole course of his existence. And as
we have frequently remarked, Judge Hilton
would make an excellent president"
Anna Dickinson, the critics say, can do any.
thing well in her play except the part where she
throws her arms around the man and shouts, "
love YOU love you'll" In this she shows lack
Of experience.
The governor Of Rhode Island has detailed two
men to stay at home and watch he state while
the rest of the population 90 to the centennial.
In Bath (England) Abbey is to be seen the fol.
lowing;
Here lies Ann Mann,
She lived an old maid and died an old Mama
Henry Ward Bcecher having Endorsed Hayes,
the country awaits with some impotence the
opinion Of the Rev. Parson Glcndening. With
the approval OF this magnificent and highly gift
ed team, Hayes will have nothing to fear.-Ch.
Times
A Milwaukee man went TO meeting in Lon.
don one evening" and when the cockneys said,
ear, ear" he took 1t for a personal alluson,
and got out.
There was snow in La Sale, Sunday, June
18th, says the La Sale independent. The editor
saw 1t In horn, probably.
We are amazed to hear complaints that the
Cincinnati platform Is weak. Weak! Here
Look at this: !" Resolved, That If the buttons are
: to be pounded off American shirts, no moon.
: eyed son Of Mongelian rip shall pound them
of, anyway" Call that weak?-Chicago Times
An Essex farmer is obliged to chalk his nose
every time he takes walk round the farm, to
save himself from an old bull which has strong
antipathy to red.
Blaine RECEIVERS slowly, and /: is even feared
he may never get well. Had 1t been any other
than asunstroke the Chicago Times has NO doubt
he would have struck back
Beemus, in the Lacon Journal, has this Islander
on the local Of the Joliet Sun: "They say the
city editor Of the Joliet Sun can open his mouth
% ems plea wide" Which makes it bad for mos.
quitoes.
st. Louis editor read somewhere that the
music OF the concertina had been known to at. |
tract snakes. 1t is touching sight to behold
him now trying to coax 'em out of his boots with
the discordant strains which he is able to evoke
from that instrument
Col Forney says the Pennsylvania men who
stood by Blaine and yet did not desert Hartranft
are " the seeds Of a robust present and a ggan.
tic future" Col Forney is $4,000 seed himself.
ca. Times.
An Ohio man makes brick, but he is high born
and calls himself "a sculptor In "-Detrohl
Free Press
All the churches in streator suspend services
on Sunday morning to attend funeral WhoII
says pious people have no enjoyments? L
For three weeks in succession Hoag, of the \
streator FIRE. Press, has published this para.
graph: I'D
on! that unhappy secret! We cannot keep il
much longer without help, and IL people wake
up some morning and find us with our neck bro
Ken We trust that they will remember US kindly
a. trying to keep from telling-eyeu though we
fail.
All this fuss because he's going TO be married
The pope has been pope 80 years. He ought,
TO resign and give some Of us young fellows n
chaBce 1,