South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1876-06-23
WIT AND HUMoR.

Setf-t-
WIT AND IIUMOR.
VTravel.worn and seedy, he said
mister, where could l get a SQUARE
meal for twenty-five cents?" He was
told. II say, Mister said he. where could
get the twenty-five ceuts?"
EI The lawyer who said his mouth
never uttered lie, probably spoke
through his nose.
~ Two literary ladies were lately wit.
nesses in trial. One of them. upon
hearing the usual questions asked,
What is your nameT' and How old
are your" turned to her companion and
said, Il do not like to tell my age not
that 1 have any objection to its being
known, but don't want it published in
oil the newspapers" "Weil," said the
witty Mrs. 81 will tell you how TO
avoid it. You have hearcd the objection
to all hearsay evidence; tell them you
don't remember when you were born,
and all you know Of it is by hear.
say" The idea took, and the question
was not pressed.
1As Burke was declaiming with
great animation against Hastings, he
was interrupted by little Major Scott
"Am i" said he Indignantly, ito be
leased by the barking Of this jackal
while am attacking the royal tiger of
Bengal"
IVA young apprentice to the shoema.
king business asked his master what an.
swcr he should give TO the oft.repeated
question, "Does your master warrant
his shoes?" ANSWER, Thomas" said
the master, that / warrant them to
prove good and if they don't I'll make
them good for nothing"
Iv"The password is Sake now
don't forget it, Pat" said the Colonel
just before the battle Of Fontenoy. at
which Sake was Marshal. Sacks
Faith, and will not. Wasn't father
millerr" "Who goes there?" cried
the sentinel, after the Irishman had ar.
rived at his post. Pat was as wise rs an
owl. and, in sort OF whisper yell, re.
Piled, Bags. yer Honor"
OFF DUTY.-Bailey, of the Danbury
Neacs, relates this: Colonel B was
standing In the square ut Bethel, the
other day, when he espied farmer who
had sold him load of very crooked
hay. The party in question is an active
professor of religion and q most Jealous
worker for his own pocket. The mans
profession and practice being in such
marked contrast. caused the Colonel to
eye him with dislike. When he came
mp the Colonel charged him with dccep-
ton in the matter of the hay. The
skinfilnt stoutly denied the charge.
The colonel drew himself up TO his full
height and disdainfully observed:
Il am soldier, sir-not a liar -
$50 am l a soldier" whined the pro.
moter OF the crooked" hay.
Your" calculated the Colonel, in n
tone OF disgust. What kind of sol
dier are your"
I'm soldier OF the Cross" said the
sknflnt with detestablc flourish of
the hand
That may be-" said the Colonel, dry.
~, but you've been on furlough ever
since knew you"
kS a German says: "a young girl |
is fishing rod the eyes are the hook.
the smiles are the bait. the lover is the |
gudgeon, and marriage is the butter in
which he is fried"
ICY on can't keep me down" shout. |
ed n somewhat windy orator at n public |
meeting; though | may be pressed be
low the waves rise again; you will |
find that | come to the surface gentle. /
men Yes" said an old whaler in the
audience you come TO blow"
W HAPPINESS comes and goes like
The flowers Of spring, and a boy no soon.
or finds where the preserve jar is hidden.
than lis mother totes it away TO another
corner.
w Many man who has not n cont |
in his pocket owns corn which he |
would not allow you TO step OH for the
world
w story is told OF n Gloucester. II
shire peasants remarkable curse. He i
had been wrestling long time with a
very tough piece of oak, which Inc was i
endeavoring TO split, and at last, unable
10 make any impression upon it burst
out, Dom TN pigs that didn't cat thee !,
when thou vast an acorn"
To a colored brothers. opinion: dc
women oughtcr work; OATS so for cf II
1t hadn't ben for Eve We wouldn't none i
OF us ha' ben 'bleeged to work tall"
90 Another conscientious man is Oh. 4
posed to opening the Centennial Exli. J
bltion on Sunday. lie says Sunday is
the only day he gets time 10 20 fishing.
IH'Spurgeon tells the following sto.
r.: "A poor man, who had n large IA.