New Orleans Republican. [volume] (New Orleans, La) 1867-1878, 1876-02-01

A LITERARY NIGHTMARE.
BY MARK TWAIN.

AxVEHAKY NlGdVMAAEs
By MARK TWAIN.
viii the reader please cast his eye over |
the folio wing verses and see if he can dis. |
cover anything harmful in them?
Conductor when you receive o fare, \
Punch in the presence of the passeDjare
blue trip-sp for an eight-cent fare, |
buff trip.sip for six cent fare,
pink trip slip for a threecent fare,
Punch in the presence of the passenjare!
CHORUS.
Punch brothers. punch with care!
Punch in the presence OF the passerjaret
came across these jingling rhymes in a
newspaper a little while ago and read them
a couple of times. They took instant and
entire possession of NE. All through break
fast they went waltzing through my brain;
and when at last rolled up my napkin l
could not tell whether had eaten anything
work the day befOre-a thrilling tragedy
in the novel which am writing. [ went to
my den to begin my deed of blood. took
up my pen, but all l could get it to say
was, Punch in the presence OF the passen-
iare." l fought hard for an hour. but it
was useless. Ny head kept humming, "a
blue trip slip tor an eight cent fare, buff
trip slip for a six cent fare" and so on and
SO or, without peace or respite. The days
work was ruined-I could see that plainly
enough. gave up and drifted down town,
and presently discovered that my feet were
keeping time to that relentless jingle.
When l could stand it no longer l altered
my step. But it did no good; those rhymes
Accommodated themselves to the new step
and went on harassin me just as before. l re-
turned home, and suffered all through an
unconscious aud unrefreshing dinner; suf-
tered and cried and iingled all through the
evening; went to bed and rolled. tossed,
and jingled right along, the same as ever;
got up at midnight frantic, and tried to
read; but there was nothing visible upon
the whirling page except ''Punch! punch in
the presence of the passenjar By
sunrise was out Ct my mind, and every.
body marveled and was distressed at the
idiotic burden OF my ravings-"P oh.
punch! punch in the presence Of the passen'
jare!"
Two days later, on Saturday morning. l
arose, a tottering wreck, and went forth to
fulfill an engagement with valued friend,
the Rev. Mr.. -. to walk to the Talc0tt
Tower, ten miles distant. He stared at me,
but asked no question. We started. Mr..
- talked, talked, taiked-as is his wont.
l said nothing: l heard nothing. At the
end OF mile Mr.. - said
Mark, are you sick! Inever saw man
look so haggard and worn and absent
minded. Say something; do!'
Dresrily, without enthusiasm, said:
"Punch, brothers. punch with care! Punch
in the presence of the passeujare!"
Ny friend eyed me- blankly. looked per
picked, then said:
II do not think I get your drift Mark,
what you have said, certainly nothing cad;
and yet-maybe it was the way you said
the words! never heard anything that
sounded SO pathetic. What is"-
But heard no more. was already far
away with my piti!ess, heart-breaking ''blue
trip slip for an eight-cent fare, buff trip
slip for six-cenc fare, pink trip slip for a
the passeniare." l do not know what oc-
CURED during the other nine miles. How
ever, all of sudden Mr.. -- laid his
hand on my shoulder and shouted:
"Oh, wake up! wake up! wake up. Don't
sleep all day. Here We are at the Tower.
! man! have talked myself deaf and dumb
and blind, and never got response. Just
look at this magnificent autumn landscape!
Look at it. look at il! Feast your eyes on
it! You have travelled; you have seen
boasted landscapes elsewhere. Come, now.
deliver an honest opinion. What do you
say to this!'
sighed YEARLY and murmured:
"A butt trip slip for six-cent fare. a pink
trip slip for three-cent fare, punch in the
presence of the passenia.e.'
Rev. Mr. stood there. very grave.
full of concern. apparently, ana looked long
at me; then he said:
MARK. there is something about this that
can not understand. These are about the
same words that you said before; there does
| not eeem to be anything in them. and yet
| they seem to break my heart when you cay
them. Punch in the-how is it they go!'
l began at the beginning and repeated all
~, F.Nr 1v.hf Il
| terest. He said:
"Why, what a captivating jingle! 1t is
| almost music. 1t flows along so nicely. |
have nearly caught the rhymes myself.
| Say them over just once more, and then I'll
| have them, sure
I said them over. Then Mr.. said
| them. He made one little mistake, which l
corrected. The next time and the next be
got them right Now great burden seemed
| to tumble from my shoulders. That tortur-
| ing Jingle departed out Of my brain, and a
| gratetu. sense of rest and peace descended
upon me. I was light-hearted enough to
| sing; and did cling Tor halt an hour straight
along, as we Went jogging homeward.
Then my freed tongue found blessed speech
again and the pant talk OF many weary
| hour began to gush and flow. 1t flowed on
and on, joycusly, jubilantly. until the fount-
| ain was empty and dry. AS wrung my
"Havnt we had a royal good time. But
now remember. you havn't said word
| for two hours. Come, come, out with some
| thipg!'
| The Rev. Mr.. turned lack-lustre
| eye upon me, drew a deep sigh, and said
F, without animation, without apparent con
| sciousness:
punch, brothers, punch with care
Punch in the presence of the passerlare"'
| Apang shot through ne as | said to my
self, poor fellow, poor fellow! he has got il
now"
| did not sec Mr.. - for two or three
DAYS after that. Then, on Tuesday even
| ing, he staggered into my presence and
sank dejectedly into seat. He was pale
worn; he was wreck. He lifted his faded
eyes to my face and said:
"Ah. Mark, it was ruinous investment
| that | made in those heartless rhymes.
! They have ridden me like nightmare, day
and night, hour after hour, to this very
| moment. Since eaw you have suffered
| the torments of the lost. Saturday eve
ming had sudden call by telegraph, and
| took the night train for Boston. The occa.
sion was the death of a valued old friend
who had requested that should preach his
| funeral sermon. took my seat in the cars
and set myself to framing the discourse
| But l never got beyond the opening para
graph; for then the train started and the
carwheels began their 'clack-clack- -clack.
clack! clack-cIack clack-clack" and right
away those odious rhymes fitted themselves
to that accompaniment. For an hour
sat there and set syllable Of those
| rhymes to every separate and and distinct
clack the car-wheels made. Why, was as
| tagged out then as if had been chopping
wood all day. My skull was splitting with
| headache. It seemed to me that must GO
mad if sat there any longer; so undressed
| and went to bed. l stretched myself out
| in nv berth and=Well. YOU know Wnat the