The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1876-10-11
Humorous

! 1t is mistake for an absent husband
to imagine that his wife is as lonely as
Hagar in the wilderness-a mistake
which he does not fully realize. per-
haps, until he comes to settle his gas
bill.
\ Newport girl had fall, last week.
and injured herself so severely that
she was carried home insensibie.
Upon recovering, her first words, adj
dressed to her sister, were s'Mary did
have on my stripped stockings q
Lavender's wife said to her husband,
the other night: ''I'm afraid you
have taken more beer than is good for
YOU And the unexpected reply was:
''We]l, think myself | could have
brought it home easier in a iug.''
Il see little of you," said an old
gentleman at ball to young lady
whom he had not met in long time
before. 81 know it, was the artess
reply, :'but my mother wouldn't allow
me to wear a very low.necked dress
tonight, the weather is so cold.''
Simpson attended negro concert in
Allegheny the other night. At the door
he was asked for his ticket. Says he !:
''You let members of the press in free,
don't you % eyes what press am you
a member ob?' ''Adams' Express. )"
GAIL right, sab; pass right in. You's
de fust man come from dat paper to-
night, sah.'
The country is full Of suffering
caused by underpaid labor. A man in
Boston worked ten hours last Sunday,
blew open two safes, pried off the lids
of six desks, and broke the locks of
three money drawers, and Melted less
than a dollar. Yet we are asked to
waste our sympathy on the low wages
of the Molly Maguires!
An old colored preacher in Georgia
was lecturing a youth of his fold
about the sin of dancing, when the
latter protested that the bible plainly
said. ''There is a time to dance. -
eyes, dar am a time to dance,' said
! the dark divine, ''and its when a boy
gifts whippin' fer gwine to ball.
A simple peasant from the wilds of
New England was alighting from the
cars at the Washington depot, in COM
pany with a friend, when the latter
pointed out the first distinguished
looking person he saw, and exclaimed:
-sLook, George! there goes one of
the greatest statesmen in the coun-
try,' ''Dew tell - calculated the sim.
pie peasant. elbow much has he sto
; len =;
\ watering-place correspondent,
speaking of q bathing belle, says
''Her hair is a rich copper bronze,
flung loose like a name. Her feet and
ankles are white as the fieety soul of a
billiard ball, which has invisible legs
of ivory" Now, how did that cores.
pondent discover that billiard ball
has :'invisible" legs of ivory? Hash t
he got the tleety soul of the maiden
and the white ankles of the billiard
ball-that is, hasn't he got the. ''invisi-
BILE legs &C.; and the white feet, &C.,
and the f1eety &C., somewhat mixed?
10 a San Francisco reporter a China
man explained the incidents Of the
crucifxion ':In Sunnee school me
fine out all about Jesus Chlistee-heap
sabe him belly good man. Dam
Ilishman work on lailload, go big clowd,
take Jesus Glist away an clucify poor
} man. Ilishman make big Gloss, put
Jesus Clist's han on it, dive big nail
in one han, dive big nail in oder
han, den dam Ilishman dive big nail
in feet, dive big nail all over Jesus
Clist, long come big glizzly eat Jesus
Clist all up
"Don't you know the prisoner, Mr..
Jones - Eyes, to the bone.' 'What
is his character Didn't know he
had any, s'Does he live near you!'
$50 neal that he has spent only five
shillings for frewood in eight months. -
s'Does he ever come in collision with
you in any matter ''Only once, and
then he was drunk, and mistook me
for a lamp.post.' ''From what you
know of him, would you believe him
under oath - s:That would depend up
on circumstances. If he was so much
intoxicated that he did not know what
he was saying, 1 would if not, Iwould
not.''
Here is a letter, says the Toledo
Blade, which was picked up on a side
street: Deer Bill-Doant KUN to see
me emmy moar for a while emmy way.
Father has got awfully skeered about
burglars and he sets up every mite til
lait with bubble barreled shot gum,
watching the backyard. He put moren
a pound ov led into Smiths big nu-
foundland dog witch was kummin over
the fens after a bone last mite.
The rose is red the violet blue,
Wouldn't KUN now if l was you.
Yours, as ever, Nancy.
| Snidpr's Terrible Bite