Bristol news. [volume] (Bristol, Va. & Tenn.) 1867-189?, 1876-05-16

Miller-She was, indeed. never
met her equal. She was good wife
TO me.
Grant L was referring to my own
wife, There couldn't be tDO best, you
| know.
Miller-Yes, know. / know well
enough your wife couldn't hold a can
| die to mine.
Grant-She couldn't, hey? Couldn't
| hold candle. Why, she could dance
all around Mrs. Miller every day in
the week, including Sundays, aud not
half try, She was an unmitigated an
gel, take her any way you would.
Mlller-Oh, she WAS, was she? Well,
| don't want to be personal, but if |
owned a crOss-eyed angel with red
hair and no teeth, and as bony as an
omnibus horse, I'd kill her, il she
didn't die of her own accord. Dance +!
How could q woman dance that had
feet like candle boxes, and lame at
that?
Grandfather be cross-eyed than to
wear the kind of red nose that your
wife flourished around this communi-
ty. bet it'll burn hole through the
coffin lid. And you pretend you're
sorry she's gone. But you can't i'm
pose on me. | know you're 80 glad
you can hardly hold in. She was the
chuckle-headedest woman that ever
disgraced graveyard that's what
she was.
Miller-lf you abuse my wife, I'll
knock you down.
Grant-pd like to see you try it.
Then the two discOnsolate wIuowers
engaged in a hand-to-hAud combat,
and after tussling awhile in the snow,
the mOurners pulled them apart, lust
Nv Mr.. Miller was about to insist upon
his wite's virtues by biting or Mr.
Grants nose.
When they got home Mr.. Grant tied
Grape upon all his window shutters to
show how deeply lie mourned, ana as
Mr.. Miller knew that his grief for
Mrs. Miller was deeper, lie not only
decorated hiS shutters, but he fiXeG
five yards of black bombazine on the
Oell-pull and dressed his whole family
in mourning. Then Grant determined
that his duty to the departed was not
to let himself be beaten by man who
couldn't feel any genuine sorrow, 50
he sewed black flag on his lightning
rod and iestOOned the front Of his
house with black alpaca.
Then Miller became excited, and he
expressed his sense of bereavement by
painting his dwelling black and hy
putting up monument to Mrs. Miller
in his front yard. Grant thereupon
stained his yellow horse with lamp.
black, tied Grape to his cows horn,
daubed his dog with ink, and began
to wipe his nose on black handker-
chief. As soon as Miller saw these
proceedings he spread layer of char
coal all over his front yard, he as
sumed a black shirt, he corked the IA
ces of his family when they went to
church, and he hired colored man to
stand on his front steps and cry for
twelve hours every day.
Just as Grant was going to see this
and go it one better, he encountered
Miss Lang, n young lady from the
city, and in couple of weeks they
were engaged. Then he began Ia take
in the evidences of his grief, and this
made Miller so mad that he went n
round and proposed to Miss Jones, an
old maid who had never had all offer
before. She accepted him on the spot,
and they were married the day before
Grants wedding day, which so dis
gusted him that he would have given
up Miss Lang If she had't threatened
him with a suit for breach of promise.
There Is peace between the two fami-
lies now, but when Mrs. Miller gets
on the rampage sometimes, Mr., Miller
mOurns for his first wife more than
ever.