The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1876-11-15
JUSTICE TO STOVES.

A Seasonable Admonition to Housekcepcrs.
From the New York Times
This is the season when the rural
householder brings forth the stove
from it's six months imprisonment,
and with fear and trembling under
takes the dangerous task Of putting it
up. Few fatal stove casualties have
as yet been reported, but the sudden
and enormous increase in the demand
for arnica and divorces which is shown
by the records of rural druggists and
rural courts, is sad proof Of the dam
ger which menaces the man who Crap
pies with large and violent stove.
There is melancholy sameness in
the manner in which the stove dis
plays it's unwillingness to be handled
by man. Like the scorpion, which
argues with it's tail, the stove uses it's
articulated pipe as it's instrument of
attack and defense. So long as the
householder confines himself to carry.
ing the stove from place to place, it
rarely attacks bin; but no sooner
does he NEEDLE with it's pipe than its
fury is aroused. His first effort is to
connect the lower joints of the pipe
with one another, and here he is met
by determined obstinacy which is
worthy of an independent and self
poised pig. or even of an experienced
army mule. The joints refuse to come
together, and bend all their energy to-
ward gratifying a fendish thirst for
human fingers. Sometimes, after a
long struggle, the wrong joints are
forced together, and when the house
holder discovers his mistake, they re-
fuse to be separated except as the
price of more blood and additional
scraps of cuticle. Nothing but cool
bravery and determined perseverance
will succeed in properly joining the
two lower joints of a stove-pipe, and
when this victory has been won the
worst of the battle is yet to come. It
is not until the householder has
mounted on a step-ladder and under
takes to place the upper t'elbow' on
the pipe and to insert it in the chin
ney that the strength, activity, and
malignity of the stove. pipe is fully dis
played. Its favorite feat is to release
itself suddenly from the hands Of it's
antagonist, strike his foot with it's
whole weight and it's sharpest edge,
and then to roll on the floor in evident
commissions of joy. Occasionally the
upper ''elbow'' makes vicious plunge
for the householder head. and in
stances are on record in which it has ev-
identity torn his nose from it's found
atoms, or driven it's fangs deep into
his skull. Efforts TO subdue it with
clubs or hammers are seldom effective.
Usually, the more pipe is pounded
the more unruly it becomes, and the
more resolutely it;refuses to enter the
chimney-hole or to adhere to the
stove.
Startling as the assertion may seem,
it is by no means certain that these
terrible conflicts are necessary, or that
mankind cannot live on peaceable terms
with stoves and stove-pipes. 1t is an
satisfactory evidence, that the stove
is necessarily untamable. Button, it is
true, asserted that ''the stove posses
ses a fierce and indomitable nature,
which cannot be tamed,'' and most
subsequent naturalists have been con-
tent to adopt his opinion. Mr.. lux
ley, however, who, as an animal ex-
pert; is certainly at the head of his
profession, disputes Buffon's assertion,
and agrees that inasmuch as the law
recognizes the right of property in
stoves, it therefore implies that they
are not farce nature, and can there
fore be tanned. He has never actually
tanned stove himself, for theory and
not practice is his speciality, but his
opinion is certainly entitled to respect,
and is sufficient to show that the scien-
tif1c world is not unanimous as to tho
alleged untamable nature of the stove.
There is good reason to believe that,
were the stove treated kindly and in
diligently, it would become as harm
less as the CRATE or furnace. Profess
sional stoves fanciers who deal in
stoves never have any difficulty with
them, and can always put up a stove
without exciting it to the slightest de-
monstration of hostility. The average
householder is probably to very great
extent responsible for the violence and
bad temper of which he accuses his
stove. He keeps it during the sum.
mer in close confinement, where it
mentally rusts and naturally grows
morose. He does not make himself "a
miliar with it and accustom it to be
handled, but relies sorely upon his
brute strength to keep it in subsection.
Moreover, it must not be forgotten
that when he mounts his step.ladder
for the decisive struggle, he is almost
invariably hot and excited. The pres
enee of his wife, who stands near the
foot of the ladder, expresses those wild
and impracticable views as to the uses
of the hammer, which are so Oh arac-