, 1876-07-02
HUM0R.

Louis belle. :.
The cry of the Ti1denites: "Beat the Tom-tom
OF Indiana:
SIT. to 7. A. a.: "Tommy, make room
for your uncle" :.
A Lacrosse OVis.) Granger says what ssstlcks
in his crop'' is a chinch-bug'
1.-THE Reyerics of q Bachelor" 1. Marvel
much whether will reach the White House.
Henry Ward has been troubled with the Hayes
fever for years, but says he will support Ruth.
Gentlemen who have an eye to the Presidency
in 1850 will be Govcrnoring themselves accord
iugly.
"I shaw, John,'' said a bilin'" Democrat to
Morrissey, in St. Louis, tell Dorsh to tap
anuzzer bar'l.n
At the Electoral College Commencement,
Rutherford B. Hayes will bear off the highest
honors of the class.
Farmers are complaining that species OF
grub is eating up their corn. This is clear
case Of grub cat grub.
The fight between the two Hon. Johns at
the Democratic Convention resulted in " the
survival Of the dghtest-"
Ladies' dresses are covered with buttons this
season, while many q man has to use pin for
the lack Of one on his shirt.
"Bret Harte's 1.-TWO Men Of Sandy Bar" has
been eclipsed by the 1.-TWO Men Of sammy's
Dar'l''-John Kelly and John Morrfsscy.
Our Revolutionary forefathcrs made the Hes
SLAMS fy, The farmers OF Minnesota regard this
as Continental yarn, for Hessian flies are Cen
tcnnially eating up their gardcn-sass.
Gail Hamilton said the Republican ticket
Gail 1nr,+1t-
wanted the Republican clubs to march Hayes
foot, Straw-foot, whenever they turned out.
Anna Dickinson has written a play called
ssThe Jewess.'' 1t is Jcwess to say that she
playcd the Jcwess with" Anne Boleyn," and
it is to be hoped she will do better in her new
play.
The Athletic sports on Twenty third street,
last Tuesday, were not highly rclished by the
lockers on. Force of habit made one little
short-stop cork the ball for base hit six times
in succession.
FuH-G1EAN1sGs.
"A race of sculptors: The Chip-away Indians.
A Chinaman spoke all the English he knew in
indianapolis the other day, and was fined 81 for
| profanity
Master: "Now, where did the Cyclops liye?'
| Youth: SIN Cyclopedia, please, sir" Master:
| stGo down." -:
The pun-contc7tionist Of the Philadelphia Bull
Iefi1 thinks lie has discovered in local item In
Chattanooga symptoms of nugatory chatter.
There may not be gold, but there's no Ques-
! ton about the quantity Of lead. in the Black
Hills. Every Indian has a gun full OF it, and
isn't stingy. IL.
Irascblc Gent Ito waitcr) :" They say there's
nothing like leather, don't they ~ Yes, sir.'
Il Then it's lie, for this steak is"' (Waiter
eyaporates.)
There are only2 gallons Of whisky per year
manufactured for each inllabitant of the United
States, and it is clear case that somebody's got
10 go without.
Richard Grant White says there is no such
| thing as ssin our midst" but We would like to
know where he would locate the pain that
makes parcgoric popular beverage among the
young.
A Philadelphia who jost1cd turbaned Mus
| eulman distributing circulars on Chestnut
street, a few days ago, was Mortified at the ex-
ch,nation: 81 Blast yer sowl! do yiz take me for
ra1e Turruk1''
A boy recently found poclct-book, and re-
turned it to its owner, who gave nim a 5-cent
piece. The boy looked at the coin an instant,
and then, handing it reluctantly back, audibly
| sighed as he said: II can't change it."
A new trouble threatens the country. The
scarcity Of help is already being felt, especially
in the West. Nearly everybody is being with
drawn from the field and shop to fill vacancies
in the family OF the late a. 7. Stewart. "
Two card~playing friends we're passing through
pine forest, when one asked the other this
conundrum: '"Why cannot the proprietor OF
this forest fell his own timber?" "Becausc no
one is allowed to cut when it is his own deal.''
"1t was simply an informal affair." wrote the
editor, Of little strawberry party at neigh
boris house at was simply. an internal At.
fair" read the compositor, and that editor will
| ter.
"You come we'll recommended, supposed"
said gentleman to q boy who wanted m easy
placc =" Oh, YES sir, the man was with last
recommended me; he recommended me to leave,
and get work more congcnial with my disposi-
/ -tlon.n
OF course, it's only surmise. But when you
! see young doctor pay five cents for an agricul-
| tural paper, aud turn eagerly to the first column
to see what tile promise is Of this years. grecu-
apple crop, uncharitable people will draw their
own differences.
In q column Of receipts in an agricultural
! paper we find ono for making "Bellie Cake
water will make nice stomacf-ache; but the
Ingredients of the "Bcllic Cake" are entirely
different--NorTistoacz Herald.
+; 4 West Side man who saw a load Of coal ut a
house and arranged to 60 over and borrow part
OF it after the other man was in bed, got around
Il
the cellar and carefully locked up before night
| fall. He remarked the next DAY that it was
shocking to think how little trustfulncss people
seemed to have in human nature.-Nor1ic1
(Co,ul) Bulletin.
!. A downtown man who read that the habit OF
| tobacco chewing could be cured by tasting an
: apple every time he felt inclined to partake OF
the weed, gare the recipe one days trial. As
he felt hankering for the weed a1l day, he de-
voured bushel Of apples before bedtime, and
retired with q chunk Of the fruit in his mouth,
: which accidentally slipped down his throat and
nearly choked him to death. He resumed the
weed next morning.
Professor latter waiting some time for IN an.
ewer to question which he had just asked Mr.
H.): "Why, don't you see what means'' Mr.
H.: "Yes, sir, it's-a-it's-nh-" Professor
&'What I wish to get at IS, that il IN impondcr-
able string is stretched by infinite number o1
equal weights applied equal distances from cacl
other, the fnnicular -polygon becomes para
bola-'' Mr.. II. enthusiastically: "Yes, sir
yes, sir; you get my idea"
) a Danbury man says he never belonged to s
, fire company, but that he once attempted to ad
| wise the foreman OF 8 company ut fire. s'And
what did he say 7'' asked the interested listen.
CT. "He didn't say anything" "Hes didn't
like It, did he9" "1'm sure don't know; bui
4r--- H. I,