The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-06-16
Warming TO Candidates for Office.

1t was just after the fill election that we
met him. His name was not Stretch, but he
will so designate him. lie poured his sor-
rowful story into the ear of an attentive and
sympathetic listener:
"No, sir: I'll never run for Office again"
said Mr. Stretch. "You know when they
came and asked me if I'd accept nomina-
ton to the Legislature they told me that the
community wanted me to run and that
was certain to be elected, because ! was
man whose character was so good that no.
body could find fault with it. | thought so
myself, and t"agreed to run, and according
ly they nominated me.
"Well, sir, the very next morning the d'-
gts came out with an assertion that ] had
been detected in stealing chickens, and it
gave n full history of the case, together with
pictures of the chickens, and after darkIy
limiting that since abandoning chicken steal
ing had been continually engaged in other
forms of robbery, it asked if the people OF
this State wanted to see chicken thief
making laws for them. And the mischief
Oh III WIS llldl i ulh HUM ~ NDhIhN N'i'Nh
ems from my grandmother's coop when /
was a small boy, but how'n thunder they
ever found it out beats me. 1t was fifty
years ago.
"Now, look at my nose !" 1t amt much of
a nose for beauty, is it? | know well enough
that it's crooked. Bat nobody ever alluded
TO it until | was nominated, and then the
argus said that there was u tradition that
| had the nose smashed around sideways
during my career rs prse-lighter, although
some people insisted that | had run il
against door while ! was drunk. And
then all the illustrated papers in the State
began TO publish pictures of me with nose
like the jbsheet of an oyster sloop, only
twisted around sideways; and one of them
said that when sneezed on the front porch
the conclusion acted like boomerang and
blew the back door open.
"And then they tackled me about my war
record. You know | was ont with the mill
tia And the argus published letter from
a man who said that during the battle of
Gettysburg was hid in refrigerator in n
cellar in the town, pretending that | was
ordered there to mount guard over some ra-
tions of cold beef. And the Argas asserted
that the only manGuvre / was ever good at
was falling back ; that whenever the enemy
was expected to be approaching always
made bee.line for Nova Scotia, and never
turned up until after the fight but once, and
then we were surprised, and fired my mus
ket so wildly that l shot our own Colonel in
the leg and surrendered to an Irshman who
belonged to our regiment, and who came up
to me to borrow a plug Of tobacco. TO tell
the truth wasn't much of fighting man
but how in the mischief they found out
about that refrigerator gets me, Awful, isn't
it? wouldn't have minded it so much only
they got up poster and stuck it around the
streets and headed it "Stretch's War Rec
ord" and put on it Il picture of me with
monstrous lop-sided ose sitting inside the
refrigerator gnawing at bone out of the
roast beef
"And then, as the campaign went along,
they accused me of having delirium tre-
mems, of beating my wife, of wiping my nose
on my sleeve, Of robbing bank, of selling
my dead aunt to medical college, and Of
holding the doctrine thaC the whale didn't
swallow Jonah, and that when Moses cross
ed the Red Sea he padded over in a boat.
The Argas said that if my wife dared to tell
how | treated her the community would be
Ellnl 80 III, horrnr hut anvil l,,1,, ,,i,,ht
for themselves who would notice that her
back hair was all thinned out. And it said
that had Il wen on my leg that untitled me
for active duty anyhow, even If | had not
forfeited all claim to public confidence by
turning my grandfather out of doors when
he was dying of consumption, and then set
ting my dog on him and making the aged
man roost in mulberry tree on the coolest
night last winter for fear of being eaten
up.
"People began to avoid me on the street,
The general impression prevailed that was
| a desperate and hardened villain. ! might
| have stood that, but you know the way they
levied on Inc Tor expenses was awful. There
was that brass band. kept that band in
luxury for three months: and il used to
come around and serenade me three nights
| in the week and wake all the babies in the
neighborhood | lost 200 votes in conse-
quence of these wakened babies Thea the
club would come and call me out for n
speech, and when ] got through | would
have to ask them in TO feed, and they
would stay there and howl until four o
clock in the morning, and get trInk and
fight and smash the furniture and bleed over
the carpets. Then they would assess me
for mass-meeting and adjourn. | handed
out cash for posters and rum and brass bands
and barbecues and fireworks and torchlight
professions and tranSparences and flag
and the Argus all the time accusing me Of
buying up votes aud having repeaters in my
pay.
, "The night of the election the brass band
, and club came around to congratulate me ul
my success, and after having final spree
and concluded with riot in the parlor,
went to bed, glad had won anyhow. The
first thing saw in the Argas in the morn
ing was the announcement that the hoary
} headed chicken stealer had been beaten by
1900 majority, and would have to keep hi,
, eccentric nose at home aud rejecting tha
a free people would never elect to a respon
sible Office a man who would tree his con
} sumptive grandfather and traffic in the re
mains of his aunt. So that lets me out il
, politics. When | run for Office again yol
chuck me right into an insane asylum"
READ AND CONSIDER.
Benson's Capcine Porous Plasters are Al