West-Jersey pioneer., 1876-11-09
NO 1497
SPLINTERS.

GRASS eye.
The man who works with a will-The
probate judge.
A man who must draw the line some-
where-A surveyor.
When birds sour they warble, but when
throat's sore it doesn't.
The most successful kind of mettle these
days appears to be brass.
Cape May children are selling lots of conch
shells to Western visitors.
New Bedford is said to have but one
whaler left-A schoolmaster.
Can ladies with enameled faces be said
to belong to polished society?
Although 337 American hotels were
burned last year, not a clerk was as much
as scorched.
"It's a lovely doll! dear grandma and
grandma. But-but-rd been hoping it
would be twins!''
Why are railroad carriages in no danger
from lightning? Because every train has
conductor.
Why is dogs tail a great novelty?
Because no one ever saw it before.
Novelty in the music line-Snoring is
now politely described as indulging in sheet
music.
A physician gave patient box of pills,
with directions to ''take one pill five times
day."
Query-When Dickens wrote his charac-
ter of Dot, did he have in his mind a girl
of the period?
A Brasher editor offers a reward of $5 for
the best treatise on elbow to make outdoor
| life attractive for the Mosquito"
We took vote the other day in our
family on buckwheat- pancakes, and it was
| decided unanimously to lay them on the
table. fLa
| Paris has devoured, during the last half
year, 700, 900 kilogrammes of horsehesh and
$4,000 kilogrammes of mule or donkey
meat.
Very few men realize the blessings of a
! good wife, until place between his shoul-
der blades, that he can't reach, needs
scratching
Even the pangs of broken heart will
not cast that same sadness over mans
soul that comes from sticking his teeth into
a bad oyster.
| When woman throws brickbat, the
problem seems to be, not how to hit the
| mark but bouv to ovo;d LpooL;pr bo hro;r
out with her elbow.
| Irate wife (whose hasband has returned
home late)-"Now, Tll give you piece of
my mind" Husband-"Don't, my dear,
you can't spare it!''
A little boy, gazing upon an old picture
of his mother, taken in low dress, re-
Mamma, you was mos ready for
bed when dot picter was tooken.''
''Now, George Washington, you jes' cum
an put on your shoes dis mint. De idea
of you bein' out doors barefoot on de Lords
Day! Why, folks will think you're Irish!"
| Speech of an accused man in court at
Boston last week: Gentlemen of the Jury,
I never stole any junk in my life. That
isn't my line. The dry goods business is
my line."
| Where will it all end? A man can't set
his house on fire, collect the insurance and
put on any style with the money without
some one is mean enough to throw out in
situations. iegz
Of the thirty one persons condemned to
death in France during 1875, but one had
received good school education. Only
four could write, and the remaining twenty
six were illiterate.
"Well, my DEAR" said good pastor at
Sunday school to a tow-headed urchin, s'I
am glad to hear that you are getting to be
a better boy" "Why, sir" said little Joe,
81 amt been sick.''
"And now, Shaw, be frank and tell us
where you do live ?' said brother Coun-
Gilman to his newly elected friend. Il live,'
replied Shaw, assuming a Websterian pose,
81 live in the hearts of the American peo-
ple."
A misprint of rather ludicrous nature
appeared in Scotch contemporary the
other day. In giving a list of jurors cited
to sit at the Circuit Court at Inverness, one
of them was styled ''sheep-stealer," instead
of 'sheep-dealer.
An elderly Wickly maiden, who had suf-
fered some disappointment, thus defines
the human race: Mana conglomerate
mass of hair, tobacco smoke, confusion,
conceit and boots. Woman-the waiter,
perforce, of the aforesaid animal.
A German citizen was called on as wit
ness in case before one of the justices
lately, and when the oath was administered
he raised both hands, and said: eff spoke
nondings what amt drew, if ever I hope to
die so quick as minute''
A Chinaman, arrested in San Francisco
the other day, was found to have on a coat
of mail made of cloth, cotton batting and
paper, thick enough to turn knife or bull
let. 1t also had pockets for knives and
hatchets, and rings to hang an iron bar on
The highest punishment is not hell-it is
not the place Of condemnation, where other
guilty ones suffer with us. No: to be con-
demned and to stand by some pure happy
one, feeling perfect innocence-that is the
hell of hells.
'Tis all very we'll for us poor fellows to
say we wouldn't go to the Centennial: but
let us consider how, fifty-eight years from
now, our grandchildren will gather on the
shady side of the barn and say, "What
stingy old cuss granny was, anyhowp'
eff didn't know it was you, wouldn't
have though it," said a Hibernian to a
friend, yesterday, s'for you have changed 80
since knew Won haforo that ox,l,, Co. -.,..