Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1876-01-20
A Trying Situation.
Farmer.

MIR. BILDERBACK, we feel auth0riZedito'
state, will not attend divine service this
morning. The old gentleman is, we are
panied to learn, laboring under a very dis
tressing frame of mind, being greatly in
censed against churches on general prin-
ciples. He doesn't like to talk about the
matter, but we learned all about it despite
his reticence. 1t seems that last Sunday
morning he was doing comfortably in his,
rev in the church of viii CHI he is one of
the main sleepers, when he became aware
of an apparition gliding solemnly down
the aisle with collection basket in its
hand. Mr. Bilderbaol6 braced up,lnto an
erect posture, cleared his throat in a pom
derOus tone of Roman firmness, as one
who should say "NNho's been asleep?'
and as the basket was extended toward
him he felt in his trousers pocket for his
wallet. 1t wasn't there, and as he with
drew his hand and felt in the other pocket
he felt that the eyes of the congregation
were upon him, and that was all he felt,
for he certainly didn't feel any pocket
book. He nodded the basket man to wait
a second, and leaned over to the left while.
he felt in the right inside pocket of his
coat, from which, in his increasing nerV-
BUSINESS, he drew half dozen chestnuts
which rolled over the floor with rattle.
that sounded in his hot ears like the thun-,
ders of the Apocalypse, and made them
hotter still. Then he leaned over the.
end Of the pew and felt in the other
inside coat-pOcket and drew out bundle
of letters, lot OF postal cards, circus
ticket, photograph of an actress, a pock-
et-comb and d long string, and his face
grew so hot his breath felt like hot-air
blast. Then he squared his elbows and
went for his vest pockets, and strewed the
pew-cushion with quill toothpicks, news
paper scraps, street-car checks, shoe
buttoner, some lead pencil stubs, and
crumbling indications of chewing to
baccO, bit Of sealing wax, a piece of
licorice root about an inch long, and three
or four torches. Then he leaned forward
and, stung tomadness by the smiles which
were breaking out all around that church
worse than the measles in primary school
room, dived into his coat-tail pockets, and
drew forth red silk handkerchief, two
apples, a spectacle-case, a pair of dog skin
gloves, an Overcoat button and a fine as
sortment Of bits Of dried orange peel and
lint. Then he stood up, devoutly praying
| that an earthquake might come along and
swallow up either him or the rest Of the
congregation, he didn't much care which,
and went down into his hip pockets, from
which he evolved revolver, a corkscrew,
| cigar-case, piece of string, a memo
| randum book and pocket knife. By this
time Mr.. Bilderback's face was scarlet
clear down to his waist, and he was so
nervous and worked up that he nearly
shook his clothes off, while the man with
the basket couldn't have moved away if
he had died for staying. And when Mr..
| Bilderback in forlorn despair once more
rammed his hand into the trousers pocket
where he began the search the congrega-
| ton held its breath, and when Mr.. Bilder-
| back drew forth the very pocket-book
which he had missed in his first careless
search, sigh of relief went up from
every devout heart in that house. But
Mr. Bilderback only dropped into his seat
with an abruptness that made the windows
rattle, and registered mental VOW thath he
wasn't going TO come out to church again
to be made fool of by man with along
handled darning basket--Burlington
| HaWk-Eye.