, 1876-01-09
in her eoul, and he SAYS to himself: II guess
they went hang ont their blamed old market
haaiet another time y

A young married rnan on Calumet avenue nen
hcne 20 his wife Sunday night somewhat undc
t~e influence OF the seasoo. ''Whose have 90,
been. Eerbert:' said his spouse. "Been e
Epen even wish Tom B.cku1an. 'sh got awfu
pretty sinister. widow. black eyosh. WoE'r wias;
Tom went ot.'r and left me and er widow Tout
Together for. Sho'sh t,cau.v, Miranda, ~
dea5sh, but nosh sAo well-bnlt ash you--biggel
round WASH. Bet her pair kid gloves she wneh
| and here's her meaeure. Lesh ase your walsh
| Bring me- your waish. Soc thcsh t3o knots il
er shtring. Thish long oue'sh first measure
| took. but she said 'tvashn't faic-measure hei
/ again, and measured her again, and al,o gave
| incheah! Locke or sh:ring Gnd saseI I'm a
liar" AID yesterday mornlng he coadnt matte
!, out Why Miranda had slept on the sofa and gone
home to her parents be:ore he got up But mold
! on till he gets the papers Ii the divorce suit
tomorrow.
A young man on West Washington street went
! out on New-Year's Day to mako some calls. He
was heard (resy distinctly to 80 upstairs oa hi
return about 1:50 q. m. sunday last He did not
get up q: his usual honr, and when the servant
glrI was sent up to cali him sho found llc: dead.
AZ he bad his boots on. and had left his hat ont
sido in the bali as il to be BACKED it WAS thought
that he had committed suicide BY poisoning. aud
mortem examination WAS made. and the
| contents OF the stomach submitted
for examination to an analytical chemist.
| That gentleman has just reported Lie finds
tha. there sre no traces Of polscn IN tnat organ,
and that all that it cont tanned was picked oTsto's.
| brandy, curacoa, pound-caSe, oranges, ienon-
| ade. cold turkey, whisky, nau-sandWlch. tea,
hot rum fruit-cake, chicken-halsd. fred oysters,
| sherry, sardines, beef-tea. lobsteF-satad, beer
chocolate. olives, mince-pio, bologna Baasago,
| cheese, and few other minor Ingredients. Tbs
| Jury returned verdict Of Died from deter-
mination Of New,Years calls to the stomach. !"
| coupling With it q recommendation that here
| round tGo,r s;dcbo.ris. and hang rcd lamp
thereat as q danger signal.
LOVES ILLUSIONS.
Talk shout yoar wives, said young hus-
band to Let OF bachelor acqnaln1aaces. ~ tell
you, boyB, mino is the boss vito. The Inter-
marry at least QUO wife, because it WIS cheaper
to Eeep two Eeop!e than ono 1ou ought to see
the velvet dressiug-go"n that aho made mo on
New ars,-made it herself, and saved the
ing zllowanccs.'' And so he wandered nu, while
At the same moment there MAS dropped into a
lamp-post 1otser-bo1 an account. Us follows:
Chicago, Jan. 7, 1876.
lii. Benedict Loyebird,
For one .elvet drrssng-govn orlered by Mrs.
b. A'' DS' 'l' 1914 Re:e,,oi p;;nent. It, 70
@Please re1ni: and ohuze, s.kT.
SERENE WITH MILLIONS Is IT.
An enterpiisng divorce lawyer on South Clark
street has hit upou an ingenious plan By which
he expects to make fortune during tho next
twelve months. He has made the acquaintance
of all the eligible couples within his reach. aud
cultivates the wiTes especially, assuming the air
of cynic and invariably preaching on the faith
lessnesB Of husbands. especially when they pre-
tend to UNUSUAL devotion. When wife sa=s to
b,m: Eut Mr. cheyster. 7 am cure
uess's eolf," he makes. tragic start and
SAYS. in stage ~ aslde F" not intended (Which
means intended) for her ear "Ah me! Per
fd1ou. II pu!! Unsuspec:ing and injured
woman !" Then rega,ning lis compo3Ere,
With another tragic start, says: Your hus-
band? Faultless ?" Ohis with eckly smile as
il he had Just taken his inaugural smokey. 30,
no. ho is not He could not be otherwise than
devoted with 30 beautiful aud tender wife as
you Now let us talk OF something eIse." As
SOON as le has duly prepared tho ground he will
proceed to sow the seed. He has had written on
tinted and scented paper hundred letters about
Is follows:
TUESDAY 1ni3at-DEAarsr-:Ay Ay husband has
your life have t1ed from his fury and stopping
YOU KNOW WHERE! Come to me at ones and we
will dy together to some sunny Southern cline where
thc bee b.nquets on through summer OF flowers.
Ny wealth 1s ample, and you Will no longer have 70
slsve to support g-footed wife CONE! long to
sonls bridc, julia.
Mr. Cheyster thinks there's millions in it.
HowITo LET PETs.
1 minister on thb\Wost Sds is an acute OBJ
server Of human nature. A few days ago the
annual sale Of the pews in his church took place,
and there were very gloomy antlcspa.iors as to
the result on account Of the stsingeacy Of the
times. But the devoted clergyman Was equal to
the emergency. The wives OF the two weaIthtess
members Of tho church are not 50 much cele-
brated for outward cone.iness IS FOR tho
beauty OF the soul, and they are exceedingly
jealous OF each otho,. knowing shat it ho could
lncite them to riTalry IN good Works the effect
would DO advantageous to the church: know
ing 9s9 n1 u that the ',s sndnes ~ss b but v,s
TIL the bidding had begun, then slipping round
to sister A. said: - I thought you wanted that
froat Dew ?" ..Ies." said the woman. IS she
shut her lips NTH decided saap, :.aad I'm 60
bIandly, sister B has made uo her mind to
rent it. She sad-this. OF course, is il conf
deuce--that she could not worship properly with
sred-headed woman Eoder the very dropplngs
Of the sanctuary" so, abe did, did she" au-
awered his paris hioner w1th d long inspiration
"the creatu.o!" Then tha pious Clergyman
vent round to sister aad tod her that he had
overheard sister A say that eAe would have that
pew If she had to lay her last dollar Of earthly
dToss on the altar Of the sanctuary. Then ho
went behlud pillar OF the church and huCgcl
himself in rapture while tho two sisters
went on seeing each other and going $40 better.
with O devotion that would have warmed the
heart OF Hugh Maher. Dy-and-by. when the
price 4a4 IedclteA F1Lo1s Ao1S1c1 u HG1htAcA
and took to raises Of q dollar, aud when, at
S1,30s, Sister i sald II, ,359," she caved- Sis
ter L walked to the table and drew check for
tue amount, and then. fixing her eyes on Sister
B, observed, in tone OF contemplatlve tri-
umrh: Il NAV bo red-healed, bat c.auot al
low bapd7-legged woman with wart on her
nose to stand between me ard my salFa1ion."
Result: The pews this year Brought considerably
more than they did last year, despite tue tinsa-
ciAl atrngencY OF tae times.
THE nI.AcKNA11En ToILED.
The best-ta.d schemes Of mice aud biacknai1ers
aft gang asley {what that IL the average reader
doesn't know, but he would feel aggreTed il tho
fact we're not stated in that fur1n,. Thursday
Just at dusk . wcalthy resident on Ihirty-four:h
street was called to his parlor By close1y-veiled
lady, and his wife, q very jealous woman. wss in
the back parlor. On entering the rcom,, Judge
Of his SURPRISE" as the dino novels say,
when the unknown woman seized him tightly
round his neck aud whispered in his ear: Il know
where you were MondaY-give me 5125 cr III
scream. and your vile III cons iu," Instead Of
bursting into 9, cold sweat hauling out his
pocket-book and saying: 'S'sh for heavens
sake keep quiet, aud I'll come down." the old
man burst Into peal Of laughter, and said: