The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1876-11-04

His name was Biles. He dropped in &c
see DR.. Cox, and after a few remarks abou
the weather and the condition of trade, lit
said:
doctor, do you think you could get me up
a wart for my nose?"
"Why, really, Mr.. Biles, that is such an odd
question that /"
what | want is a large, pink wart about
the size Of a marrow.fat pea, and growing
out OF the right side of my nose little above
the edge. Do you ever grow 'em for custom
crs:n
II can hardly say that do. Most people
want to get rid of such things instead OF en-
couraging them. What on earth do you want
wart on your nose for?"
Well, it's kind of secret. You haven't
got brick anywhere's about the office, han
dy, have your
II might find one IN the yard, maybe
"Well, wharll you charge me for taking
the butt end of it and knocking out four of my
front teeth p
"Mr Biles, this is the most extraordinary
conversation l ever listened to. What doyou
meanr"
II want 'em busted right out, and if you
could give me some medicine thatd cock my
left eye little to one side you'd do me per-
sonal favor
I'D like to understand what your object is,
first"
81 don't care much about letting anybody
into the secret, but if you'll promise not to
give me away on it, FIJI tell you. You know
the Widow Magec, Well, I've been sort of
spoony with her for some time, and when l
proposed to her she fought me OIL, and
wouldn't tell me why. AT last she said that
she had made ap her mind never to marry
any man who was totally unlike Magee-her
first SO | gradually drew out OF her that
old Magee sported wart on his nose, and
that one ofhis eyes had got kind OF twisted
around trying to look at it. And he had his
front teeth somewhat knocked out by bull
trying to boost him over a fence. Now, what
want, is to get myself decorated up just like
he was; and If you can accommodate me you
will confer a favor.
I'LL tell you, though, there one thing that
I'm worrying myself most to death about.
Old Magee fought in the wars, add got
chopped up good deal, and he used to wear
cork leg. Now, I've a notion that the wild
ow has been limiting around for me to get a
cork leg like his, and while hate like thun-
der to disappoint her, I've pretty much come
TO the conclusion that if she makes stand on
that store leg I'll give her up if il breaks my
heart. ! don't mind disfguring my face q
little, but man is always kind or scary about
having his legs sawed off"
"You must love Mrs. Magee very much to
make such sacrifices for her"
"Well, betwiS ourselves-ln solemn conn.,
dence, mind you-lt isn't that like the wid-
ow so much on her own account; but to tell
you the truth fair and square, the old man
lett her the blamdest lot of farms and bonds,
and houses, and other property you ever saw
and if l can rake that in by humoring her
about those little physical defects, why I'm
going to do 1t. What's a wart TO richness
like that? pledge you my word that If you
turn me my nose so thick with warts that II
looks like caulitlower, and I'll never grow
particle. Now can you fix ME up around
the countenance so as to suit the widow"
I'm afraid not, Mr.. Blles."
"Oh, very well, then. II it can't be done
| il can't. | reckon the best way anyhow Is &c
get some good artist to freSco wart on Tie
nose, and to cover up the teeth with black
courtplaster, SOS it'll looks ifthey were out
Then when we're married I'll put them right
again, and the widow may howl all she's 6
mind to-"
And Mr. Biles left to hunt up reliable
painter.-Ndr Adeier IN ". \. Weekly.