Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1876-07-05
Humorous.

"A VERY narrow aperture-Ihe crack
of a whip.
Next to diary the most difficult
thing to keep is lead pencil
A DISHONEST grocer has been lying in
weight for customer.
The Eastern question VIVA -. of
the Turkey do you prefer?
ADVICE to fshmongers in warm
weather." Deal gently with the he
ring" ~ &- saAJ
A PRINTER invariable gets out of sorts
when he reaches the bottom of his
case.
HARVEY discovered the circulation of
the blood before he was thirty-four.
Yet some editors get to be over hun
dred before they know the exact circu-
lation of their own newspapers.
A LANCASTER hen has won notoriety
by laying an egg which closely resem-
bles pear in it's shape. But this is not
as remarkable as if the fowl had laid
pear closely resembling an egg in it's
shape.
A MAN who has evidently been vic
timized writes: Fifteen thousand dol
lars in gold will now buy an American
lady decent outfit be married in, and
there's no use talking about prices
going any lower.
THEY are playing base ball now in
every otherwise vacant lot within tive
miles of the State House. Small boys
predominant, and the one named Uli
seems to be in every nine. The rest are
continually calling to him. -Hartford
Courd7at.
A MANUFACTURING firm in Lowell,
Mass, has secured the patent right to
noiseless shoe. A shoe that doesn't
creak like barn door and wake up the
whole family when a map goes home
late at night, should be worth millions
to its inventor.
The Springfield, Mass, school-marm
who recently thought to subdue the
rampant spirits of small girl by keep
ing her two hours after school, was
rewarded, when the term was up, with
a motto lozenge.. bearing the pathetic
inquiry, "Must we part?"
The philosophy of sneezing has never
been fully explained. There is a tick
ling sensation in the nose, amomentary
suspension of respiration a cold shiver,
and heaven bless you, the thing is done
with nothing but tear left to tell the
tale.
AN old lady looking at the curiosities
in museum came to a couple of large
sea-dogs, and after gazing at the them
with wonder, inquired of wag who
stood near if they ever barked. "No,
madam replied he, mot now: their
borl1 or, tho COO y
MAMMA" asked precocious young
ster at the tea-table the other evening,
after long and yearning gaze toward
plate of doughnuts, Mamma, do
you think / could stand another of
those fried holes" She thought he
could.
IT is a well-authenticated fact that
clean cuffs have an unaccountable ten
dency to secrete themselves somewhere
in the imm ediate vicinity of the elbows,
while dirty ones exhibit willful and
exasperating determination to remain
obtrusively in the vicinity of the
knuckles. Boston Globe
AT recent exhibition Of paintings
lady and her son were regarding with
much interest a picture which the cat
alogue designated as Luther at the
Diet of Worms" Having descanted
at some length on its merits, the boy
remarked, Mother, see Luther and
the table, but where are the worms"
A CLERGYMAN observing poor man
by the roadside, breaking stones, and
kneeling, to get at his work better,
made the remark: "Ah, John, I wish
[ could break the stony hearts of my
hearers as easily as you are breaking
these stones" Perhaps, master, you
do not work on your knees" was the
reply.
THIS is sample of arithmetical
problems proposed at Storey county
New Teachers Institute: "A man
puts down a certain sum money on the
corner of the ace, to take the tray, in
$50 limit game. They both win
through. At the end of the deal he
finds that he has $57. How much did
he put down, and how much did he
VIM"
CARE you going to make a flower
bed here, Junkins?" asked young
lady of the gardener. ''Yes, miss;
them's the ORDERS" answered the gar
dener. "Why, it will quite spoil our
croquet ground" Cant help it, miss;
them's your pas orders. He says he'll
have it LAID out for horticulture, not for
husbandry."
A FEMALE witness in a California
court the other day asked permission
to return to the stand for moment,
and this was her additional testimony:
"Well, what I wanted to say is, that the
con- plainant's wife had the reputation
of wearing false teeth and doing her
hair up in paper to make it curl. /
forgot to swear to it when was up here
BEFORE"
AT the Centennial, the Philadelphia
ladies cry out, "Isnt it cunning?" New
York ladies, Glow superbly lovely"
Boston ladies, "Ah. how exquawsite p
Louisville ladies, Beautiful, fo' shuahp p
Chicago ladies, ooh, MY wish I
owned that p While the genuine Yam
kee girls from the rural Edistricts ex-
claim, "Ge-whimminy, but amt that
ere sumner, meow !"
ASA FAIRBANK died on the witness
of nd IN tn q GorrthOl1ao of prov;dopoo