Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-05-12
MEASURE FOR MEASU RE"
II IT IL O r.

GRANTS NEW SECRETARY OF WAR;
Although one Of the best lawyers in the
country, Judge Taft don't know anything
about war. He never fired off two-horse
lumber wagon. But he is determined to
learn. The other day Grant dropped in at
the war Office and found his new Secretary
deep among official documents.
''Posting yourself up, Alphonso?" said
the President, with an encouraging. smile
EYES," said the Judge, eagerly II want
to know everything pertaining to the bust
ness. have been running over the dis
bursements Of the department for the last
year to see what was expended for cata-
pults."
''For cata-what?" said the President
pausing, as he was about to strike match
on his boot to light fresh cigar.
"Catapults. You have them in the
army, haven't your" said the Judge il "a
Their an uncertain tone of voice.
The President smiled little, and said
they did have few left over from the war,
but he believed they had all been used up
Then the Secretary said he should certain
ly order some more made, for he consider
ed the catapult one of the most effective
weapons in modern warfare. ''They did
great execution at the seige of Jerusalem,
as 1 remember reading" unused the Secre-
tary, land it doubtful whether Tiberius
would have been able to have reduced the
city without them"
Grant looked at his new Secretary
through the cigar smoke few moments,
and then told him if he ordered any cata-
quilts he had better have them srifed,"
with an adjustable, muzzle-loading bayo-
net, and the Secretary made memora1-
dunn to that effect.
81 see that considerable money has been
spent in experimenting with torpedoes, :"
continued the Secretary, looking over the
disbursements. ssThat seems to be waste
of money, and it encourages a bad habit
among children. Serious accidents have
frequently resulted from little boys throw
ing torpedoes under horses feet on the
Fourth of July, and ought to be stopped.
The President allowed that the torped
wasn't thing to be fooled with, and the
Secretary read on Suddenly he jumped t.
his feet, while the hot, indignant blood
flashed. to his very temples, as he exclaim-
ed: ssNo wonder the country is impoverisA-
ed, and the taxpayer groaning beneath his
burdens. Here, while trade languisbes
and the wheels Of industry are clogged all
over the land, my predecessor has been
shipping luxurious delicaces to the garri-
sons of our forts, thinly concealed under
the term OF SHELL What does shell mean?
Shell oysters, of course! That's what it
means. But they don't get any shell while
I am Secretary. I'll settle that"
ssThat's right" said the President. eff
they get any oysters make them shell OUT
for themselves; and then he added in an
undertone aside to himself, "They would
have to if they bought them of one of Bel
knap's traders.
ssYes,'' continued the Secretary, "look
at the quantity of grape on hand, classed
among munitions of war; What does
grape mean and what is it for?"
SIT is to wash down the shell oysters
with, [ suppose" said Grant, with a merry
twinkle in his eye, which the Judge didn't
see.
THAT'S it, exactly cried the Judge
ssKeeping the soldiers on wine and oysters
while thousands Of people are wandering
around in hopeless search ola free lunch.
tell you. 'Lyssis, this is scandalous!''
The President, as he arose to go, said he
was glad he had a Secretary Of War, at
length, who was determined to look into
things and reform abuses, and cautioned
min not to forget to have those catapults
rif1ed, he returned to the White House
with broader grin on his face than any
BODY had seen on his face since the inves-
tigation commenced.
Yesterday afternoon an honest-io0king
man called into the Office of justice Of
the peace and wanted to know if he could
commence suit against neighbor for as
sault and battery. He was informed that
he could, and he frightened up and con-
tinued:
ssWell, make out lawsuit right away.
He kicked me mighty hard, and I want
you to plug the law right to him."
AS the justice reached for warrant, his
visitor asked:
siHow much will you fine him?"
ssI can't tell anything about the case I'M
til it is tried" was the reply.
'sThen he may get off?7'
ssYes.7'
s'And you won't agree to fine him?"
His Honor began to read frigid letter
on the practices Of law, but the man for
whom it was intended started for the door,
saying:
II won't fool with law. I've got three
dogs and two grown up sons, and I guess
the whole pile of us can lick him blind in
4,, ,,o;r,,+ooI33- Dotro5t TaRe Press.