Ottumwa weekly courier. (Ottumwa, Wapello County, Iowa) 1872-1899, 1876-05-10

Forget the calm pursuit OF life,
And learn to meet tthe tyrsnt stranger
In oil the rage Of battle strife.
And let the Sheridan Guards endeayor
To earn the post the Ceit can claim.
In dangers CORY van, and ever
New glories shed round sherid ans name.
A Warming 20 Candidates fer OAce.
From The Philadelphia Bulletin.
1t was just after the fall election
that we met him. His name was not
Stretch, but we will so designate him.
He poured his sorrowful story in the
ear of an attentive and sympathetic
listner:
"No, sir; I'll never run for ofice
again." said Mr.. Stretch. "You know
when they came and asked me if I'd
accept u nomination in the Legisla-
ture they told me the whole commun-
ity wanted me to run and that I was
certain to be elected because 1 was a
man whose character, was so good
that nobody could find fault with it.
l thought so myself and l agreed to
run, and accordingly they nominated
me. Well, sir, the very next morning
the Argus came out with an assertion
that had been detected in stealing
chickens, and it gave a full history Of
the case, together with pictures of
the chickens, and after darkly limiting
that since abandoning chicken steal
ing had been continually engaged
in other forms of robbery, it asked if
this State wanted to see chicken
thief making laws for them. And
the mischief of it was, that / did hook
couple of chickens from my grand
mothers coop when l was small
boy, but how'n the thunder they ever
found it out beats me. 1t was fifty
two years ago.
"Now look at my nose /! 1t amt
much Of nose for beauty is't? /
know well enough that it's crooked.
But no one ever allnded to it until /
was nominated and then the Argus
said that there was a tradition that 1
had my nose mashed around sidewise
during my career as prize fighter,
although some people insisted that l
had run it against door while was
drunk. And then all the illustrated
papers in the State began to publish
pictures of me with nose like the
.jib sheet of an oyster sloop, only
twisted around sideways; and one Of
them said that when l sneezed on the
front porch the conclusion acted like
a boomerang and blew the back door
open.
s.And then they tackled me about
my war record. You know | was out
with the militia. And the Argus pub
Eshed letter from man who said
that during the battle of Gettysburg
was hid in a refriger ator in cellar
in the town, pretending that l was Or
dercd there TO mount guard over
some rations of cold beef. And the
argus asserted that the only maneu-
yer was ever good at was falling
back; that whenever the enemy was
expected to be approaching l always
made bee-line for Nova Scotia, and
never turned up till after the fight but
once then We were surprised, and /
fired my muskct so wildly that shot
our own colonel in the leg and sur
rendered to an Irishman who belong
ed to our regiment, and who came up
To tell the truth was not much of a
fighting man, but how in the mischief
they found out about the refrigerator
gets me. Awful, isn't it? Iwouldnt
have minded il so much only they
got up poster and stuck it around
the streets and headed it 'Stretcher's
War Record and put on it picture
of me with monstrOus lop-sided
nose sitting inside that refrigerator
gnawing at bone out of the roast
beef.
"And then, as the campaign went
along, they accused me of having de-
le,fum tremeas, of beating my wife, of
wiping my nose on my sleeve, of rob-
bing a bank, of selling my dead aunt
to a medical college, and of holding
the doctrine that the whale didn't
swallow Jonah, and that when Moses
crossed the Red Sea he padded over
in boat. The Argus said that if my
wife dared TO tell how l treated her
the community would be filled with
horror, but anybody might see for
themselves who would notice that her
back hair was all thinned out. And
it said that had a wen ON my leg
that untitled me for active duty any
how, even if had not forfeited all
claim to public confidence by turn
ing my grandfather out of doors
when he was dying of consumption,
and then setting my dog on him and
making the aged man roost in null
berry tree on the coldest night last
winter for fear of being eaten up.
people began to avoid me on the
street. The general impression pre-
vailed that was q desperate and har-
dened villain. l might have stood
that but the way they levied ON me
for expenses was awful. There was
that brass band. | kept that band in
luxury for three months and it used
to come around and serenade me
three nights in the week and wake all
the babies in the neighborhood. l
lost two hundred votes in consequence
of those wakened babies. Then the
club would come and call me out for
speech, and when I would get
through would have to ask them in
TO a feed and they would stay there
and howl until four o'clock in the
morning, and get drunk and fight and
smash the furniture and bleed over
the carpets. Then they would assess
me for a mass-meeting and adjourn.
handed out cash for posters and rum
and brass bands and barbacues, and
fireworks and torch-light PROFESSIONS
and transparencies and for flags, and
The Argus all the time accusing me
of buying up votes and having re-
peaters in my pay.
ssThe night of the election the brass
band and the club came around to
congratulate me on my success and
after having a final spree and a con-
Guiding riot in the parlor, l went to
bed, glad l had won anyhow. The
first thing saw in The Argus in the
morning, was the announcement that
the hoaryheaded chicken stealer had
been beaten by 1900 majority and
would have to keep his eccentric nose
at home and spend his time In refiec-
ting that free people would never
elect to responsible Office, man
who would tree his consumptive
grandfather and traffic in tho remains
| of his aunt. So that lets me out in
politics. When run for office again
you chuck me right into an insane
asylum"
.sLst Well Easagh Aisns.,
Isigourney News.l