Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1876-04-20
No. u
PleaSa1ltrieS.

ear there are plenty of squeals.
Beer, sparingly used, acts as tonic, says
an exchange. We have always regarded it
as Teutonic
Always be as witty as you can with your
parting bow; your last speech is the one
remembered.
Where are the men of '16?" shouted
stump orator. Dead" responded q sad
looking auditor.
Phil. Sheridan says that his wife will make
a papoose OF that baby, giving her 50 much
Siouxthing syrup.
If you would pass for more than your
value, Say little 1t is easier to look wise
than to talk wise.
The man who hoped to make gunpowder
finer by grinding it in coffee mill has nearly
completed his new Kitchen
If you would be known and not know,
vegetate in a village; if you would know and
not be known, live in city.
A physician boasted at dinner that he cured
his own hams, when one of his guests re-
marked: doctor, I'd sooner be your ham
than your patient"
"Well, sir, what does hair spell?"
Boy-'1 don't know What have you got
on your head?" boy (scratching)-I guess
A prisoner in the New London lookup,
when asked if be wanted counsel, replied,
" Yes; | want Moody and Sankey." The
officer said he~didn't knew any such LAWYERS
in town.
A little boy told his father he was fool.
On being reprimanded by his mother, and
required to say he was sorry, he ran to the
insulted parent and exclaimed: Papa, me
sorry you's fool.''
An exchange says: ''In our obituary
notice of the late Mr., in yesterdays
issue, for the phrase 'he was a noble and
pig headed man, read, he was a noble and
big-hearted man.
The following advertisement lately appeared
in an English newspaper: "A pianotorte to
be sold, genuine Broadwood, by lady about
to leave England in a rosewood case on
mahogany casters
'Acres covered with quivering flesh" In
reading aloud this phenomenon in nature, a
little girl in New York exclaimed, with un-
feigned CONSERVATION; 'Do you think there
has been war in heaven, mammal
A rapid and emphatic recital of the follow
ing is said to be an infallible cure for lisp
nobs with Snobbs and robs Nobbs' fobs.
"This is, y says Nobbs, ''the worse for Hobbs
jobs, and Snobbs snobs.
AT the Sorosis dinner in New York. lady
toasted: "The gentlemen-while we bask k
in the sunshine of their goodness, may their
shadows never grow less but if they try to
throw us into the shade, may we, by our
brilliancy, light the dark places"
A candy store window displays, in wors
ted letters, the inspiring text, '.The Lord
will provide A boy who passes daily says
it amt SO, and ''you can't git no candy in
there on the credit of Providence. Nickels is
the only stuff wot gifts them gumdrops."
A professor asked his class, s'What is the
auroraT' A student, scratching his head, re-
piled. "Well, Professor, did know, but |
have forgotten. ''Well, that is sad-very
'ad," rejoined the Professor. 'sThe only
nan in the world that ever knew has forgot
en- it.
A North Carolina negro thought he could
,utrun a locomotive the other day on the Air
Line road, and when he picked himself up,
after being thrown twenty feet and landing
IN his head, he said: eyer don't ketch dis
5ere chile doin' dat atm It's right smart
wonder didn't tear desc britches clean off.
A writer in an agricultural paper claims
lat there is death IN the dishcloth. Perhaps
hey don't know how to cook 'em at his house.
Ne never ate dishcloth; but we should
hink if they were soaked twenty-four hours
'efore boiling, and carefully scraped and
lrawn with butter before placing on the
able, they would be every bit as healths and
,alatable as tripe.
A book agent who has retired from active
abor upon the hard-earned accumulations of
life of industrious cheek, says that the great
of Nf 10 xY,hn, ho1
louse where the female head of the family
herself he always opened by saying
beg your pardon, Miss, but it was your
bother wanted to see" That always used
0 get 'em. They not only subscribed for
ny books themselves, but told me where |
Ould find more customers.
,as sitting on a barrel, addressing the grocer
gho was spearing the top of a biscuit-case
nth cheese-knife, "some people has good
1ck and some people has bad luck. NowI
emember once l was walking along the
lreet with Tom Jellcks, and he went down
ne side of it, and | went down the other.
We hadn't gone more'n halfway down when
e found pocket book with $50 in notes in
and stepped on woman's dress, and SO
OF acquainted with my present wife. 1t
'as always so, added he with a sigh; "that
ON Jellicks was the luckiest man in the
orld, and | never had no luck"
sweet young creature who lives out ON
ngular street, and is just back from Vassar,
opealed with tender pathos to her grim
aren't the other day ''Paw, deah paw, chant
'u give me Cahlo away, ahd buy me seal
wOwn black-and-tan to match my walking
lit?" And because paw roared and guffawed
I'd said there were no brown black-and-tans