South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1876-11-17
WIT AND IIUN1OR.

WIT AND IIUMOR.
~"Doctor, how is man to tell
mushroom from toadstoolr" BY eat.
ing it. Ii you live, it is mushroom, If
you die, it is toadstool''
THE blue-black turkey struts the
green sward, unconscious of the fact
that Grant has signed proclamation
appointing day for fasting and prayer.
E@'An Omaha girl recently married
man whose features were nearly OBJ.
scured by heavy growth Of whiskers.
Now, said she, at the conclusion of
the marriage ceremony, "my first anxi.
ETY. is TO get that hair off your face, so
that can see who you look like. I've
married pig in poke, so far as your
features are concerned" The barber
had call that day.
How Mr.. PEABODY LOOKED AFTER
HIS PENcE.-It is said that the late. Mr..
Peabody, with all his prodigality on
works OF benevolencc, looked closely af.
ter his pence. He hated nothing more
than the notion of being taken in, and
it was rare indeed that any trickster
could make that boast. On one occasion
when travelling in Ireland he was great.
~ annoyed at what seemed a very ex-
tortionate demand on the part Of a car
driver, and he accordingly resented the
attempt at imposition by giving the
man his bare legal fare. After looking
at the coin for a few seconds, Pat be.
gan to laugh. "Bedad," says he, "thev
may call You Mr.. Pabody, but call YOU
Mr.. Paynobody."
D"I have friend" writes Arts.
tarchus, who is unable to leave London
himself this autumn, but whose wife
and children are enjoying the breezes
ofther native Scotland for few weeks.
Wishing to say something civil TO him.
and knowing that he and his better half
got on pretty we'll together, remarked
that he must feel rather lonely without
Mrs. \. and the little ones Yes he
replied, do, but the wind is tempered
to the shorn lamb; you see, when nv
wife is away 1 can smoke in bed"
0'A prisoner was being tried for
sheep-stealing, and he was asked by the
presiding judge, an Irish Chief Baron,
what he had to say in his defence. "Ah,
sure yer lordship, didn't meself and me
fawther and me grandmother all vote
Tor yer lordship when We put up for
Tipperaryp And, begorra, didn't we
carry yer lordship to the head Of the
pollP' "True, true" murmured the
judge, and he was visibly affected by
the Renaissance. He looked kindly n,
The prisoner at the bar, and in summing
up directed the jury to acquit him
though the evidence was very strong fol
conviction. The jury felt the pres
sure put upon them, and the foreman
in giving the verdict. said, "Well, We
lordship, / suppose we must call hin
not guilty. but faith, Yer lordshp
there'll not be sheep, at all at all, lef
in the county" To which his lordshi,
complacently replied. "Ah, never mind
gintlemen-never mind the mutton
Acquit him, and ate beef" And nc
quilted he was.
~ a doctor recently gave tho fol
loving prescription for q sick lady -
"a new bonnet, Cashmere shawl and
SILK dress" The lady, it is needless t
say entirely recovered.
@T They were sitting together. h
and she, and he was arduously thinkin
what to say. Finally, bursting out wit
"1n this land ofnoble achievements an
undyine glory, why is it that women d
not climb the ladder Of fame?' 81 sur
pose" said she, putting her finger i
her mouth, "it is all on account Of thei
pull backs" And then she sighed an
he sighed, side by side!
tSV Mrs. Logroller, whose husband /
n delegate to political convention
grins derisively at reading that the de
egates have been instructed. "IIeap {
good it'll do to instruct old Logroller /!
she says: "Fvs been instructin' th
pig-hoaded fool for years, and he can
buy ayard ofcalico with any sense yet.
GS"What would you like?" sal,
Jones, the other night, 70 Miss Smith, q
he led her into the refreshment rooms
Pop" was the blushing answer, bu
Jones didn't sec il.