The workingman's advocate. [volume] (Chicago [Ill.]) 1864-1877, 1876-08-12
WIT AND WISDOM.

'Mr. Spilhins, don't your wife want 10
buy nice sealskin cloak III asked an up
town furrier the other day Don't know"
said Spllklns Alaska"
''Id like you to help me little, " said q
tramp, pokIng his head into country store.
why don't you help yourself, F" said the
proprietor angrily. Thank you, will, /"
said the tramp, as he picked up bottle Of
Whisky and two lOaves OF bread and disap-
peared.
An lrlshman went tn theatre for the first
time. just as the curtain descended on the
hrst act, an engine IN the basement explo-
ded, and he was blown through the roof.
coming down III the next street. After
coming 70 his senses, be asked, can what
piece Do yez play mkt :"
gentleman conversing with BROOKLYN
lady about the absurdity of female apparel
and the frivohty Of fashionable life, ex-
claimed "ls there on earth bigger fool
than the mere woman Of fashion r Her
questioner considered himself shut up and
put down, like disagreeabie book, when
the lady answered Eyes, the man who
admIres her
A mountain is made up Of atoms. and
friendship of little matters, and II the
atoms hold not together, the mountain Is
crumbled into dust.
Are you going to make a flower bed
here, Judkins r. asked young lady Of the
gardener. Yes, miss, them the orders. -
answered the gardener. "Why, il Nill
quiet spoil our croquet ground. Cant
help It miss them's your pas orders.
He says he'll have il laid out for horticul-
ture, not for husbandry"
She was lady named Magruder, and
somewhat strict Ia reference TO family
morals. Indeed, while Mr.. Magruder was
a good man, and endeavored to discharge
his duties as parent with propriety, yet
his views As to what really was proper often
ran counter 10 the views entertained on the
same subject by his wife, and she had
spunk. These differences ON a certain oc-
caslon are thus described BY a common
friend:
"Called at Magruier's the other morn
ing On my way down town, and As / knew
them well, | entered the sIde door without
knocking. | was shocked to ind Mr.. Ma
gruder prOstrate on the floor, while Mrs.
Magruder sat on hls chest, and rumpled
among hIs hair as she bumped his head ON
the boards and scolded him vigorously.
They rose when came IN, and MAgruger,
as he wiped the blood from has nose, tried
to pretend Il was only a Joke. But Mrs.
Magruder interrupted him
Joke Joke | should think not, | was
giving him dressing down. He wanted
to have prayers before breakfast, and |
was determined to have them aftsrward !;
and he threw the Bible at me, and hit
Mary Jane with the hymn book. | soused
down ON him. Pick up them Scriptures,
and have prayers You hear me Magru-
der It's more trouble regulatin' the piety
u this family than runnin' saw-mili.
Mary Jane, give your pa that hymn
book"
~ left before the exercises began
OF all the acts of cowardice the meanest
Is that which leads MS to abandon a good
cause because it is weak, and Join a bad
cause because Il Is strong,
The honor of the best centennial Joke in
accorded to the empOrer Of Brazil On
learning the number of revolutions Der
minute Of the great Corliss engine at the
Philadelphia Exhibition, he said That
heats our South American rep blics.
What does Good Friday mean ~
asked one schoolboy of another. "You
had better 70 home and read your Robin
son Crusoe, was the witht-'rs eply.
John Henry reading to his wife from a
newspaper ''There is not a single woman
IN the House of Correction There. Won
see, don't you, what wicked creatures
wives are Every woman in that Jail is
married. 1T is curious, said she ''but
don't you think, John, dear, that some of
them 20 there for relief.
Al the closing Of a concert, while a
young gentleman was struggling with hin
hat, cane, overcoat, opera-glass, and his
/ ynu1g lady fan, ali of which he was try-
/ ln- u retain On bis lap, a suspIciOus-look
ns back bottie ftll "a the hoor with 4
I rLut. There, he exclaimed 10 his com
ianon, III shall lose my cough medicine. 2
I IAat was presence VI mind TN you.
A man Who was not clever Al comm.
| drums, ~ attempting To yet Otf one al 4 tea
party at MS own house the other evening
became exceedingly mixed. He intended
u ass the old question, "Why is a woman
like IVY The familiar but gallant answer
to which IS Because, the more you're
ruined the closer she cllngs' But he put
A. why u IVY like woman r. which
none n the ladies' could tell, and the un-
fortunate man told them himself that IL
VAS because, the closer il clings the more
/ you re Ruined.
Athlrsty topper, in bar room, flung down
hIs slxPence and then tlled his glass to the
bnm wIth Shlskey. Hold on u exclAim-
81 the bartender, IN apparent astOnlsh-
ment, there Is a chrome goes with that
drink y and tearing OF a portion Of the
end OF a cigar box, he politely handed il
across the counter.
Men, says Adam Smith, was naturally
unsentimental. man will SCOOP ths
bottom out Of an egg without thinking that
the mother Of that egg u, perhaps, hun
dred miles away, ia the ram.
An impecunious individual wAs heard To
mutter, As he finished reading . railroad
hand-bill headed Through without
change" That's the road shall take
no fault 10 find with them terms"
Charles Lamb, when speaking of one Of
his rides on horseback, remarked that
all Il once his horse stopped, but he kept
right on"
A Wag, noted for his brevity, writes to 4
friend To be careful in selection Of his diet.
He says Don't eat q Q-cumbers /: they'll
W-up."