The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1876-03-04
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
Is there much water in the cistern, Biddy 20
inquired G gentleman of his servant girl as she
came up from the kitchen. Sc 1t is full at the bot
tom, sir, but there's none at all on the top" was
the reply.
" Was the crowd tumultuous?'' inquired one
man of another who had Just come from a mass
meeting. '' Too multuous? ?'' replied the other.
"Oh, no just about mutuous enough to COM
fortably FIJI the hail.
When a st. Louis gentleman meets his neigh
Dor iu the morning he looks surprised and asks,
Sc Hain't you been indicted yet?' The reply is,
No, when did you get out?'' Then they both
laugh in en- imbecile way, though they both
meant it for joke, and go and take drink of
the IS crooked"
An Indianapolis wife caught her husband kiss
ing the family dressmaker-a woman decidedly
repulsiVe in form and features-and, instead of
flying into a rage fainting away, she simply
remarked, in touching sad tone of voice. &" john
| must say that your taste is more to be condemn
ed than your morals"
50 Well, my good fellow said victorious
general to brave son of Erin after q battle,
IS and what did you do to help gain this vic-
tory ~ "a Do?" replied Mike Z" may it please
your honor, l walked up boldly to won of the
inimy, and cut off his feet IS Cut off his feet?
and why did you not cut off his head?'' said the
general. IS Ah, an faith, that was off already"
said Mike.
dickens! Watts Tubber's Wordworth ?" asks
the ~ Y Conn., Not ii Whitman. Hood i'm
agine they were. But when the veteran bard
Burns with modification, Shelley be Dryden the
furnace of sarcasm any longer? Besides, Byron
ing him down all the while, you make him Pope
ular. If you wish the memory of his Mother
well, Shakespeare of ridicule at him no more
Utica Herald.
LAcoNIC ADvICE.-President Porter, Of Yale
College recently gave the following laconic advice
to the students in the course of an extended ad
dress s' Don't drink, don't chew, don't smoke,
don't swear, don't deceive, don't read novels,
don't marry until you can support vile, be
earnest, be selfreliant, be generous, be civil,
read the papers, advertise your business, make
money and do good with it, love God and your
fellow-men.''
A drag driven by an elegantly attired lady,
and with trim and neatly-dressed colored boy
perched on the footmans seat behind, was pass
ing through the street, when it was espied by an
old negro woman. '' Bress de Lord she ex-
claimed, raising her hands as she spoke. 90 Bress
de Lord /; l never spected to see dat. Wonder what
dat cullud young gemman pays dat white oman
fur drivin' dat kerridge l know'd it'd come, but
never 'spected to lib to see it. Dis niggas ready
to go way now :"
4 young man, fresh from college, anxious to
display his learning threw the following string of
high-sounding words at his amazed grandmother:
'' You see, grandmamma, we perforate an apar-
ture in the apex, and corresponding aperture In
the base, and by applying the egg to the lips,
aud forcibly inhalng the breath, the shell is en-
tirely discharged of its contents
50 Bless your soul :" cried the old lady. ' What
wonderful Improvements they do mako. Now,
in my younger days we made hole IN each end,
and-sucked! :"
At recent trial in the Elko County Court our
friend Bishoff of the Humboldt Brewery, was call
ed as a witness. Mr.. Bishoff is one of the ''solid
men )" of Elko, where he has been in business
since the town started, in the Winter of
1858. Upon being sworn, Counsellor Rand, one
of the attorneys in the case, who, by the way, is
also an old resident of Elko, said " Mr.. Bishof,
where do you reside?''
Where reside ? What for you ask me such
foolish dings? You drink at my place more as a
hundred times
That has nothing to do with the case on trial,
Mr. Bishoff; state to the jury where you reside"
s'De shurry: de shurry Oh. py jimmy otery
gentleman on dis shurry has a string OF marks on
mine cellar door just like rail fence
His Honor here interceded in the counselor's
behalf, and in a calm, dignifed manner requested
the witness to state where he resided.
"Oh, excuse me, Shudge; you drinks at my
blaze many times and pays me nothings,
dinks you know old Bishof vat keeps the
brewery"
Il BAD MAN.-AS 81 was coming up tOHu IIOLn
the Atlanta & Richmond Air Line depot yesterday,
he INDUCED in a little song all to himself. Two
other negroes passed by, and one of them shouted
out:
IS Pin up your onder lip, ole man, an stop dat
racket"
se eWho yer talkin' ter % said 81, stopping short
and turning around.
.s Talkin7 to you who yer tnk I'm talkin' to,
YOU old Guinea rooster, you?'
Yer don't know me, do yer?' said 81.
81 don't keer who you is ; you amt no grand
army OBJ de public, no how !"
s,fook hyar, I'm de mos discourageous niger
in dis Atlanty city, an Ill is take dis hyar head
and butt yer inter de fore part OBJ Christmas
week, will ~
You'se a da-"
Just then ST took run with his head bent
down, and two seconds after there was a sick mig
ger in the mud, wanting nothing under heaven
but q Doctor And as ST went on he remarked
oyer his shoulder:
% I'm bad niger allus wus; wus bad fore
de war bad all in de war, bad arter de war, an
I'm de Ioudes' buttin niger you eber read bout
in books wild de leabes all out and de kiber lost
The Constitution.