The new Northwest. [volume] (Portland, Or.) 1871-1887, 1876-07-14
YOURS TRULY" HEARD FROM.

much Centennial and taxation and rep
resentation and sightseeing and stag
ing and specialization and other minor
matters to fill your busy brain to enable
you to bestow much thought or sympa-
thy upon the tribulations of girl of
the period. But such time, Mrs. D.
Phil took possession of every available
nook of the old farm mansion with as
much self-assurance as though he had
never left the home nest with his boots
and gun and fishing tackle and tobacco
pouch and meerschaum and powder
flask and razor and pomade and dirty
shirts and missing buttOns-maybe you
think he couldn't take possession of any
place with these last, but 'pon the word
of girl of the period he did, Mrs. D.
and such house as we've hadI PhiPs
wife, dainty little lackadaisical duck
of creature, whom he styles "Huxy-
Duxy" for short (her real name is Dot,
is one of your "clinging vines" Mrs. D.
Like Phil, she felt that she had an in
alienable, a priori right to take possess
sion of the premises aud impose upon
Yours Truly.
1t was we'll for Phil's peace of mind
that the governors negotiations with
the undersigned had been completed,
and that extra fifty dollars a month
guaranteed before this last invasion.
The soothing effect of an emolIient in
in the shape of fifty dollar gold-back
applied as shin plaster to the cupidity
of ones understanding has such a soft
ening effect upon the sense of acquisi-
tiven ness, you know
The looked-for swarming was long in
coming. Shoe Fly, Yours Truly's pet
pony, was kept in the stable every night
for three weeks, awaiting the interest
ing event for which the whole neigh
bOrhood must be upset, and all the pro-
tected and supported wives of the COM
munity called in to officiate, foremost
among them being the owl-eyed doctor,
who only differs from the other women
in sex and salary, and the fact that he
does less real work than the others on
such occasions, while taking all the pay.
Let all suitOrs know by these presents
that if ever Yours Truly shall consent
to accept any on of the numerous invi-
tations to be shielded from all evil of
which she is from time to time the graf
flied recipient, it shall be unequivoCally
stipulated in the bond that there shall
be none of the nonsensical buzz and
worry over the fulfillment of the natu-
raj law of Consequences with which she
has twice been victimized by her mar
ried brothers. But again that fifty-dol-
lar emollient soothes her ruffied feel
iDgs, although the new ruffies on her
spring dresses are missing, and the
wrinkles are actually coming on her
brow before she crosses the threshold of
her twenties.
Catnip and soothing syrup and root
tea and jalap and castor oil and sleep
less nights! o, Mrs. D., the simple
enumeration is enough to drive one
away from the faintest thought of pos
sibIe matrimOny. Yours Truly's aston
isbed to think she's still in the market.
But seriously, where's the sense III all
this fuss and nonsense? Why can't the
poor babies be allowed the charm of an
uninterrupted existence? Why must
the stupid doctor interfere at all? What
need has the newly-fedged pater fdnlit-
las to call to his aid the meddling wis
dom (?) of dozen old women? Why
J doesn't he learn of the laws of nature
from the great store-hOuses of science,
that be may know how to manage his
own affairs before he embarks upon the
ocean of matrimony in the first place
And what must be said of the simper.
ing simpletOn of the "clingiug vine''
order, who pretends to be satisfied with
her "rights," while having no concep-
tion of the equity in which real rights
consist, who will take upon herself the
responsibilities of matrimOny, and
then, without a qualm of conscience
give them over, catnip and all, to the
: care-worn custody of girl of the period?
For two whole months Yours Truly
hasn't slept an hour at a time. That
blessed baby's been doctOred till death
! would doubtless be a delightful deliver.
3 ance. It's simpering mother has i'm.
) posed upon Yours Truly till even thai
amiabIe individual feels as cross as al
: army of black cats. The hired men OF
. the rancho, who support and protect hel
in her tribulations, have not once
missed meal; the governor has lordeC
/ it over his realm with perceptible in
D crease of paternal Importance; Phil, who
! was as shy as maid with her frs
+ lover for day or two, has at last riser
e to meet the situation, and boasts of the
many manly exploits of that squalling
} urchin's "dad," as though be, and no
,, Yours Truly, had borne the burden o
: the family business. Mother, dear pa
: tient creature, keeps her room from
/, sheer necessity, the support and pro
lection of the governor in by-gone year.
y having completely disabled her; and
, were it not for the shin plaster emolli
: ent above alluded to, which does sootht
: her irritation somewhat as she crushe
] the crisp com modify between her hard
/: ened digits, Yours Truly would get he