Buchanan County bulletin. [volume] (Independence, Iowa) 1869-1891, 1876-05-05
SPOONER DISCOURAGED.
The Young Man Who Thought Of bo'
ing q Missionary.
Max Adlar In Philadelphia Bulletin.

Max Adlar In Philadelphia Balletin
When young Mr.. Spooner left col
lege he made up his mind to enter
the ministry and become missionary.
One day he met Captain Hubbs, and
when he mentioned that he thought
of going out as a missionary, Captain
Hubbs asked him:
"Where are you going?"
S.-"To the Navigator Islands. l
sail in October"
Capt. Shaking his head mournful-
ly)-" Pore young man! Pore young
man! 1t is too bad, too bad indeed.
Going to the Navigator Islands! Not
married yet, I recon? No? All, SO
much the better. No wife and chill
dren to make widders and orphans of.
But it's sad, anyway. A promising
young feller like you. My heart
bleads for YOU"
S." What d'you mean?"
Capt.-"Oh, nothing. Idon't want
to skeer you. l know you're doing
it from a sense of duty. But Pve
been there, to them Navigator Islands,
and Pm acquainted with the peoples
little ways, and well, 1.-the
fact is, you see, that-well sooner'n
disguise the truth, I don't mind tell
ing you straight out that the last day
| was there the folks ct one of my
legs-sawed it off an ct it. Now
you can see how things are yourself.
Them Navigators just gobbled that
leg right up. 1t was leg a good
deal like yours, only heavier, l reck-
on"
S.-"You astonish mel"
Capt.-"Oh, that's nothing. They
did that just for little bit of fun
The chief told me the day before that
they never cat nothing but human
beings. He said his family consume
about three day all the year round,
counting holidays and Sundays. He
was light eater himself, he SAID, on
account of getting dyspepsia from
tough nigger that he ct in ls47; but
the girls and the old women, so he
said, were very hearty eaters, and it
kept him busy prowling around after
human beings to satisfy 'em. The
old woman, he said, rather preferred
to eat babies, on account of her teeth
being poor, but the girls could eat
the grizzliest sailors that ever went
on aboard ship.
G 0rNI;c 70 r.;,.Itf,1H
Capt." And the chief said some
times the supply was very scarce, but
lately they had begun to depend more
on imported goods than on the home
products. And they were better any
how, for all the folks preferred white
meat. He said the missionary So
sietles were shipping them some nice
lots of provcnder, and the tears came
IN his eyes when he said how good
they were to the poor, friendless saw
age away on distant island. He
said he liked a missionary not too old
or too young, but-let's see, what's
your age, did you say?"
Sc l am twenty-eight."
Capt. -"I think he mentioned
twenty-seven; but howsomedcver he
liked 'em old enough to be solid and
young enough to be tender. And he
said he liked missionaries because
they never used rum or tobacco, and
always kept their flavor. l know l
seen one young fellow who came out
here from Boston. He got up
kinder camp-meeting in the woods
and while he was was giving out the
hymn, one of the congregation bang.
ed him o>er the head with club, an
in less than no time he was sizzling
over fire in front q the pulpit
They lit the fire with his hymn book
and kept her going with his sermons.
He was man about your build-a
little leaner'n you, maybe! And they
like man to be stoutish. He eats
more tender"
Sc had no idea that such awful
practices existed"
Capt.-"I haven't told you half,
for l don't want to discourage you.
l know you mean well, and maybe
they'll let you alone. But remem-
Der when told the Chief that there
was a whole lot OF you fellers study
ing to be missionaries, he laughed
and rubbed his hands, and ordered
the old woman to plant more horse
radish and onions the following year.
He was a forehanded kind of man
for mere pagan. He said that If
they would only give his tribe time,
if they would send him along the
supplies regular, SO as not to giut the
market, they could put away the en-
tire clergy of the United tes and
half the deacons, without al effort.
He was nibbling at missionary bone
when he spoke, and the old woman
was making a new club out of anoth-
er one. They are an economical peo-
pie. They utilize everything"
S." This is the most painful intel.