Saint Mary's beacon. [volume] (Leonard Town, Md.) 1867-1983, 1876-06-15

GAEDipArrs ron OrrrcE.-As aspi-
rz<& = poiaiczl Aoaas sse hesrd a
al cveE fhe United States, Il would MOI
y defef plsce to give the experience
Of HeDteman who ran fog the Legs
latsle = ose Of the Northesa counties,
sevssaI years ago: :
Itwss sffer the fall election that we
~ IA. His name was not Stretch,
but ke viii 50 designate him. He
po4red his sorrowful story in the ear OF
IN t1tentive. sympathetic listener:
mo, mr.; I'll never run for Office
again, raid Mr. Stretch. You know
vhes they came and asked me If I'd
accept nomination for the legislature
they bid me that the whole commune
y vented me to run and that wascer-
tain t6be elected, because was . man
who1 okaraeter was % good that no
9odyd End fault with it. Thought
30 niysen. and agreed to run, and ac-
cordi9giy they nominated me. Well
sir, Tie very next morning the Argus
came ont with an assertion that ! had
been detected stealing chickens, and it
gave full history Of the cease, togeth-
er with pictures Of the chickens, and
after dardy limiting since abandoning
ehicken stealing had been continually
engaged in other forms Of robbery, it
asked if the people Of this State wanted
to zee \ chicken thief making laws for
then 1And the mischief oft was that
| did hook . couple of'chickens from
my Grandmother coop when I was a
boy, but how'n tn thunder they ever
found it out beats me. 1t was ffty-two
years ago.
Now look at my nose! Itain'tmuch
Of noise for beauty, is it'll know
well enough that it's crooked. But no
body ever alluded to it until | was NOM
mated, and then the Argus said there was
tradition that had my nose mashed
around sideways during my career as
prize fighter, although some people
insisted that had run it hard against a
door while I was drunk. And then all
the illustrated papers in the State began
to publish pictures ofme with nose like
the jib-sheet of an oyster sloop, only
twisted around sideways; and one of
them said that when sneezed on the
front porch the conclusion acted like
a boomerang and blew the back door
open.
And then they tackled me about my
war record. You know l was out with
the militia. And the Argus published
letter from man who said that du-
ring the battle of Gettysburg was in
refrigerator in cellar in the town,
pretending that was ordered there to
mount guard over some ra,ions of cold
beef. And the Argus asserted that the
only mah9uvre l was ever good at was
falling back; that whenever the enemy
was expected to be approaching l al
ways made Decline for Nova Scotia,
and never turned up until after the
fight but once, and then we were sur
prised, and | fired nv musket so Wild
ly that shot our own Colonel in the
leg and surrendered to an Irishman who
belonged to our regiment, and who
came up to me to borrow plug of to-
bacco. To telltruth, wasn't much of
fighting man, but how in the misc chief
they found out about that refrigerator
gets me-. q Awful, isn'tit. Wouldn't
have mi9Rsd il so much, only they got
up posl1f and stuck it around the
streets and headed it "Stretch's War
Record and put on it picture of me
with monstrous lopsided nose, sitting
inside that refrigerator gnawing at a
bone Of the roast beef.
And then, as the campaign went on,
they accused me Of having delirium
tremens, of beating my wife, of wiping
my nose on my sleeve, of robbing a
bank, Of selling my dead aunt to a med
ical college, and of holding the doctrine
that the whale did not sw allow Jonah, and
that when Moses crossed the Red Sea
he padded over in boat. The Argus
said that If my wife dared to tell how
treated her the community would be
filed with horror, but anybody might
see for themselves, who would notice,
that her back hair was thinned out
And it said that had a wen on nv
leg that untitled me for active duty any,
how. even if had not forfeited all claim
to public confidence by turning my
grandfather out Of doors when he was
dying Of consumption, .and then setting
my dog on him and making the old man
roost in mulberry tree in the coolest
night last winter for fear Of being eaten
up.
People began TO avoid me on the
streets. The general impression pre-
vailed that l was desperate and har-
dened villain. might have stood
that, but you know the way they levied
on me for expenses was awful. There
was that brass band. kept that band
in luxury for three months: and it used
to come around and serenade me three
nights in the week. and wake all the
babies in the neighborhood. lost 300
votes in consequence of those awakened
babies. Then the club would come
and call me for speech, and then |
would have to ask them in 10 feed. and
they would stay there and howl until
o'clock in the morning, and get drunk
and fight and smash the furniture and
bleed over the carpets. Then they
would assess me for a mass meeting
and adjourn. / handed out cash for
posters, rum, brass bands, fireworks.
torchlight professions, transparencies
and flags, and the Argus all the time
accusing me of buying up votes and
having repeaters in my paw.
The mig hit Of the election the bras.
band and club came to congratulate
me on my success, and after having a