Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1876-12-07
Aa1Iuraas department.
HE GOT RELIGION.

4.
Simon Stringer, says the Brunswick (Mo.,,
Nesos, was bluff old farmer. He prided
himself upon being plain, matter-of'fac1
man, about whom there was no foolishness OF
sentiment. On more than one occasion he
had mortified his wife and daughters by
hustling them out of religious meetings when
they had begun to show signs of emotion. He
said he didn't believe in "mirakerlous conver.
sions" and that people who cried and yelped
over getting religion, "wasn't getting it by q
burned sight" He believed that the gen.
uine article was soothing and calming, and
not exciting in its influence.
Once the Campbellites held protracted
meeting in the neighborhood, and as it was
carried on without any sudden outbursts Of
feeling, Simon took kindly to it and attended
regularly. One Sunday morning he told his
wife to lay out his two suits of clothes.
"Why, Simon" exclaimed she in her shrill
tones, "what ever do you want with two suits
of clothes?
"That's my business-not yours" he replied
grufhy. "You lay out my black suit for me
to put on, and wrap the brown one up in bun.
die, and don't ask any foolish questions"
His wife wonderingly but silently complied,
and Simon donned one suit, and with the
other under his arm, mounted his horse and
rode away, followed by the eyes of the big
and little Stringers, who marveled greatly.
and said one to another
whats dad goin' to. do with his t'other
elothesY ~
Simon didn't return until supper time. He
took his place at the supper table, which was
the usual signal for the family to begin an
onslaught upon the victuals; but on this &C.
casion his voice arrested every arm in its de-
scent, and for the second time that day aston
ished the Stringers. Glancing around the
startled circle, he thus delivered himself
"I want it understood that the head of this
household has this day been baptized. He
is follower of the meek and lowly Jesus,
and the first critter at this table that dips in
to anything afore blessin' is asked'l gil
snatched bald-headed. Drop yer eyes, ye
heathen." E"3
The blessing was asked, and the meal was
eaten in silence.
After the chores we're done, the Stringers
we're stringed off to bed, when the stern voice
of the old man again arrested them and ILL
ed their minds with grave forebodings as to
what was coming next. He addressed them
as follows
"Come into this room, every devil of you
and flop down on your knees. 1t is my du.
ty, as devout Christian, to have family
worship, and I'll have it too, and have respect
full attention, or I'll bust some domestic ties
asunder. This mansion must resound with
praises to the Most High, or it will resound
with some one gettin hi of a thrashin'-
l mean bein' severely chsstised. The first
one who suckers or makes any onseemly
noise, I'll git up and throw cheer through
him, or her, as the case may be. Let us pray.
The prayers were prayed, and never was
there more attentive audience.
This sort of thing continued about two
weeks, and the Stringer family was kept in a
state of extreme misery. The younger mem:
bers had several times been severely whipped
for conduct unbecoming the children of a true
believer, and the older ones had received such
harsh reprimands for failing to fall into the
order of things and comport themselves with
due dignity.
Then one morning Simon camein with a
bad limb, battered milk pail, and the knee
of his pants torn. Dropping into chair at
the table, he plunged his fork into the nearest
dish. The children looked up from the backs
of their plates questioningly, and their mother
squeaked-
"Why, Simon?"
"s6ut up, and eat" he growled, and then
in few moments added "This blessin' and
prayer business is suspended fur awhile. I
don't furgit my obligations an duties as g
Christian, and I'll resoom 'em after I've con
quered that dol-dinged red-heifer. The tar
nal critter persooms too much on my Christian
forbearance. Durn hypocrite. I Iwon'tpray
when my soul amt into it; it's too great 8
strain. Fur the time bein' have descended
from grace; pass the tamattsuses."
A sigh of relief went round the circle, anc
if the red heifer had known how she had ris
en- in the esteem of majority of the Stringers
her fractions soul would have leaped for JOY.
This was several years ago, and now th'
red heifer is cow and the worst one in th'
neighborhood. The Stringers say, as they
punch and plague her, "S'longs we keer
Old Red wild. dad wont git any more o'tha
awful relijun."