, 1876-11-24


asksl be-. 4" No. Augustus. l won't !
am no ras-meter. rrPlie'l she.
When are stockings like dead mem ?
When they are mcn-le,l /. or. perhaps.
when their solcs are departed: or. again.
when they are all In holes OF. when
tbevare IN t,sc-tnc :or. when they arr pas;
beeling or. when they are no longer on
their last legs.
A Lady on a western railroad lately
handed the conductor. instead OF free
pass, a slip Of paper containing the fol-
lowing: Take one cup Of sugar. three
eggs, and two pounds Of hour stir mp
we'll, add a little saleratus, bake for
twenty minutes in n hot oven" II was
a receipt for Boston cookies.
A young man supposed TO be weak in
the upper story, and who was slighted
bv the girls, very modestly asked n
Young lady if she would let him spend
the evening with her. NO! that's what
won'tr' she angrily replied. why, "
replied he, "you needn't speak so snap
pishly. didn't mean this evening; but
some stormy one, when can't go any
where else"
The assurance of the ightning-rod
man was never better illustrated than
the other day when he applied to the
president of q railway company and
wanted to put lightning-rods on all Of
his cars. "Lightning-rOds on our cars?'
asked the latter. "Why, certainly" ="
" What in the world do we want them
for?'S because they make good con-
ductors," replied the man, as he closed
the door hastily behind him.
A retired cheesemonger, who hated
any allusion to the business that had
enriched him, once remarked to Charles
Lamb, in the course of o discussion on
the poor law, "You must bear in mind,
sir, that have got rid of all that stuff
that you poets call the milk of human
kindness " Lamb looked at him stead
lily, and gave his acqiuescence in these
words "Yes, 1 am aware of it; you
turned it all into cheese several years
ago."
A gentleman gave friend some first
rate wine, which he tasted and drank,
making no remark upon it. The owner,
disguised at his friends want of appre-
citation, next offered some strong but in
ferior wine, which the guest had no
sooner tasted than he exclaimed that it
was excellent wine. "But you said
nothing of the first" remarked the
host. "Oh," replied the guest, "the
first spoke for itself the second needed
a trumpeter."
A college professor, who was very
rigid as to grammar, suspecting that a
surreptitious game of cards was going
on in one of the college rooms, knocked
at the door. "Who's there?" was the
response. cts me-Professor Simp-
son" was the reply. "You lieP roared
one of the students. Professor
Simpson neverd say It's meP He'd
say 1t is l. so yon be off, or I'll break
your headl" The professor saw the boys
had him, and quietly left.
Who does not love faithful, honest
dog; mans faithful friend? And yet
who is there, stretching out for quiet
afternoon nap, who has had mans faith
full friend come painting up, and in an
excess of honest affection, laying great
broad, hot tongue all over ones cheek,
from chin to eyebrow. that does not get
up and seize mans faithful friend by
the tail and one ear, and try to throw
him across a prairie fifteen miles wide
Il Burlington Hawk-Eye.
A certain Mrs. Jones, who likes to
call herself " nee De Courcy," wrote to
Colonel NJ, few days ago, as follows
Mrs. Jones, nee De Courcy, requests
the pleasure of Colonel Ms company to
dinner on Friday next" 1t so happens
that the Colonel's nasal organ has an
upward tendency, and being in face
tious mood, replied as follows "Col-
onel NJ, nee retrousse, has much pleas
ure in accepting Mrs. Jones, nee De
Courcy's, kind invitation for Friday
next"
P. T. Barnum must look to his laurels.
This is the way Adam Forepaugh adver-
tises his show out West Fifty Odd
Statue Ornamented Cages of Wild
Beasts, Exotic Birds, Monsters of the
Deep and Crawling Reptiles. A Muse
um of all that is Unaccountable and
Wonderful in the Curious World. A
Circus, Classic, Moral and Refined, and
centralizing and monopolizing the lead
ing talent of the Equestrian and Arenic
Realm, making Forepaugh's Colossal
Aggregations beyond question without
prototype, and the Standard Exhibi-
ton of the Universe"
A sheriff's officer was once asked to
execute a writ against a Quaker. On
arriving at his house he saw the Quak-
er's wife, who, in reply to the inquiry
whether her husband was at home. said
he was, at the same time requested him
to be seated, and her husband would
speedily see him. The officer waited
patiently for some time, when the fair
Quakeress coming into the room, he re-
minded her of her promise that he