The New Orleans bulletin. [volume] (New Orleans [La.]) 1874-1876, 1876-01-09
LOVERS By PROXY.

LOPEHO d. IhOA1s
If one can not be lover oneself, says the
Liberal Reuie,c, the next thing is to make love
on somebody elses account. At least sc
seem to think large number Of persons who
are never SO happy as when they are Up tc
their necks in matters matrimonial and things
pertaining thereto. These sympathetic souls
are firmly convinced that they have been
born into the world for promoting marriages
and love-making, and they are, consequently,
continually laying traps for the unwary. II
you are a gentleman who has not yet sue
Cumbed to the destinations Of some charm
ing young lady to the extent of putting your
head through the moose Of wedlock you may
soon learn how very kind these benefcent
beings can be, and how energetically they can
work on your behalf
OF course it is assumed that you ought to
get married, and that you would do 80 ii you
could only get the chance. This much being
taken for granted, it is considered that it will
only be an act Of kindness to hurry you on to
bliss somewhat quicker. indeed, than you
seem inclined to go. You are told that you
ought to do as your dear charitable friends
desire, and it is not very long before host of
excellent and fascinating young ladies are
picked out for you TO choose from. 1t is no
strange thing for you not to to know your own
mind in reference to the sweet creatures; per-
haps, indeed, you are in such Q helpless state
that you signally fail to dream or think of any
one in particular. Your good angels have.
therefore, no option but to make o choice for
you.
Having resolved to do so, it is not very long
before they mark out definite course for
themselves to pursue. They have seen you
speak to Miss Brown and look absent. minded
Is you shook her hand, and this is regarded
as proof conclusive that you are in love,
though. as q matter of fact, you looked abb
sent-minded because you had suddenly re-
membered that your tailor had sent You an
impertinent letter, IN re q certain little &C
count, and that you had forgotten to answerit
as You had intended to do. However, it hav-
ing been settled that you have lost your heart
to Miss Brown, and it having also been set
tied that the dear girl only needs to be asked
to tell you that she is yours forever, and it
having further been decided that the pair of
you are eminently suited for each other. a
series of clever strategic maneuvers are exc
cuted.
You and Miss Brown, in the first place, are
taken under the wing of those who are con-
shutting themselves the presiding spirits Of
your destiny. These spirits are generally
feminine ones, and often have houses Of their
own and husbands. the latter Of whom they
succeed in making unwilling parties to their
visit Mrs. Matrimony at herlhouse, and to your
establishment, you discover Miss Brown. This
is but the beginning. however. In due course
you find yourself sitting by the besuiler-
quite by accident you innocen,ly imagine
and by.and-by to you falls the delightful task
Of pioneering her to supper, or of turning over
her music as she sings some love song. Mean
while, your movements are scrutinized with
the keenest interest, and your conduct excites
NO small amount of criticism You would, no
doubt, b. astonished to learn how guilty and
love-stricken you look.
Alter a few moves Of this sort the affair is
regarded as settled. When Mrs. Matrimony
takes leave Of you she smiles and smirks in
an awfully profound manner, making believe
that she knows everything, and could tel
great deal if she only chose to do SO. Then
she makes insinuations in the presence of
you and Miss Brown, which causes the pair
OF you to blush and look uncommonly stupid,
ut which her delight reaches GROWING pitch
No doubt she call you q sly dog, and Miss
Brown deep one at any rate, by implica-
don-and there is no doubt, also, that she
will more than once 60 10 the trouble Of con-
fdentially informing you what dear, good,
virtuous, amable, lady-like girl Miss Brown
ID, end what o nice little fortune she will
have.
Besides all this, she spreads reports abroad
to the effect that it is only q question Of time
as to when you will finally bring the matter
to Q head, and she does ner best to hasten
your movements by lying in wait for you at
churches at theaters, at parties, at bazars at
solrees, on promenade ard in the streets,
with Miss Brown at her heels. She would be
very angry with you if she imagined that You
would have the audacity to choose wife for
youself in spite Of her selection. OF course
you often fall victim to her wiles, but when
you do SO you do not choose to think that
your wife has been chosen Tor you and that
she has, practically, been courted BY proxy
that, in q word, the match has been brought
about by clever schemers, in whose hands
you have been as plastic as putty.
Often, however, you do not marry Miss
Brown. but Q try into effect your preference
for Miss Green. Then there is storm, in
which you suffer. You have acted very badly,
cries one; they never thought that you could
be guilty of such conduct, say others. And
SO it comes about that you are considered
black sheep whom 1t is dangerous for unsus-
pecting and innocent maidens to approach.
Perhaps, in some instances Miss Brown her
self thinks that she has been scandalously ILL.,
used, and that it is shame that the retribu-
tive hand of justice does not overtake you.
You learn, in a roundabout way, that "young
men should not do such things, if they do
not mean something" 1t may be that SO
skiilfully have you been manipulated that you
yourself feel more or less guilty and ashamed
of what you have done, though you may
>rrv,lS hauo;l that II - " ~ hard that fai.