Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1876-06-29
AWiffy BOniface.

A drummer friend has handed US a
printed circular issued by cute Par
kersburg landlord, which is about as
neat an illustration of American hum
or as we have seen for some time. The
whole is well worth publishing, but we
can only lind room for the following
extracts:
On arrival, each guest will be asked
how he likes che situation, and if he
says the hotel ought to have been placed
further up town, or drawn nearer the
river, the location of the house will be-
Immediately changed. Corner front
rooms, up only one flight, for every
guest. Bath, gas, water-closets, hot
and cold water, laundry, telegraph,
restaurant, fire-alarm, bar-rOom, daily
paper, sewing machine, grand piano,
clergyman, and all other modern con-
veniences, in every room. Meals
every minute ifdesired, and consequnt-
ly no second table. English, French
and German dictionaries furnished
EVERY guest to make up such a bill of
fare as he may desire, without regard
to the bill affair at the Office afterward.
Waiter of any nationality and color
desired. Every waiter furnished with
a libretto, buttonhole bouquet, full
dress suit, ball tablets, and his hair
parted in the middle. Every guest
will have the best seat in the dining.
hall, and the very best waiter ia the
house.
ANY guest not getting his breakfast
red-hOt, or experiencing delay of fif-
teen seconds after giving his order for
dinner, will please mention the fact at
the Office, and the cooks and walters
will be blown from the mouth of can
non iu front of the office. Children
will be welcomed with delight, and are
requested to bring hosp-sticks and
hawkeyes to hang the carved rsse-
wood furniture especially provided for
that purpose, and peg-tops to spin on
the velvet carpets. They will be al
lowed to bang on the pianos at all
hours, yell in the halls, slide down the
banisters, fall down stairs carry away
dessert enough for small family in
their pockets at dinner, and make
themselves as disagreeable as the fond.
est mother can desire. =
"a discreet waiter who belongs to
the Masons, Odd Fellows and Knights
of Pythias, and was never known to
even tell the time of day, has been en-
ployed to carry milk punches and hot
tOddies to the guests' rooms in the
evening.
"Every lady will be considered the
belle of the house, and boys viii answer
the bells promptly. Should any row
boy fail to appear at guests door with
q pitcher of ice water, more towels,
gin cocktail and pen, ink and paper,
before the guests hand has left the bell
knob, he will be branded Front on
the forehead and imprisoned for life.
"The Office clerk has been carefully
to please everybody, and can
lead In prayer, play draw power, match
worsted at any Of the stores, shake for
the drinks, play billiards, q good
waltzer, and can dance the German,
make fourth at euchre, amuse child
rem, repeat the Beecher trial from
memory, is q good judge of horses, rs
or steamboat reference Is far
superior to Appleton's or anybody
elss's guide will fiirt with any young
lady and not mind being cut dead
when pa comes down. Can room
forty people la the best room ia the
house, when the hotel Is full, attend to
the annuuciator, and answer questions
In Greek, Hebrew, Choctaw, Irish, or
any other polite language, at the same
without turning hair.
1.-THE landlord will always be happy
to hear that some other hotel Il the
best house in the country Special at
tention given to parties who can give
information as to how these things
were done In Yewrup.' The propris-
Tor will take 1t as personal affront n
my guest on leaving should sall to dis
pufe his bill. Wheeling Intelli-