The Middlebury register. [volume] (Middlebury, Vt.) 1850-1882, 1876-12-30
Smiler's Health Lift.
Why Hrs Patients WEBE ANGRY Al
HIM.-HEAL1H AND USEFULNESS.

They are in the midst of big lawsui,
in neighboring village between Dr.
Smier and the rest Of the population ol
the town. The doctor, it seems, had O
large tank placed on the top of his house,
from which to supply his bathroom, etc.,
with water. The water had to be pump.
ed up about fifty feet from the cistern in
the yard, and the doctor found it to be o
pretty good.sizcd job, which would cause
him constant expense. So, after thinking
the matter over carefully, one day an
idoa struck him. He built room over
the cistern and put the word "Sanitarium'
over the door. Then he concealed the
pump machinery bonoath the floor, and
he riggcd up kind of complicated appar.
atus with handles and hinges and crank,
SO that man standing in the middle Of
tho machine, and pulling the handles up
and down, would operate that pump.
Then the doctor got out circulars and
published advertisements about "Smiler's
Patent Health Lift" and he secured
testimonials from thousand or so people,
who agreed that the health lift was the
only hope for the physical salvation Of the
human race. Pretty soon people began
to call to see about it, and Smiler would
rush them out to the "Sanitarium" and
set them to jerking the handles. And
when customer had pumped up fifty
gallons or 80, Smilor would charge him q
quarter, and tell him that three months
Of that kind Of thing would give him
muscles like prize fighter.
And he would push the project among
bis patients. ia man was bilious or had
the toothachc, or wns afflicted with rheu.
matism, or Group or measles, or yellow
fever, or cholera morbus. Smier would
turn him 10 ut the health.lift and get o
quarter each time. The thing became so
popular that he had to enlarge his tank
and put in smaller pump; and he not
only got all his pumping done for nothing.
but the people who did it paid him about
$500 year for the privilege. 1t began
to look like an uncommonlY soft thing,
and everybody was contented and happy.
One day, however, old Mr.. Maginnis,
who had oeen practising at the health-lift
every day for months in order to cure
indigestion, jammed the handles down a
little too hard and broke the board upon
which he was standing, AS the board
gave way it plunged Maginnis into the
cistern, and just as he was sinking for the
third time Smiler 6shcd him out with o
crooked nail in tho end Of clothes prop.
As soon as the water was drained out Of
him Mnginnis said:
al didn't know you had cistern under
that floor. What did you do that for? ?"
Why, to keep the air moist. It's
healthier than dry air."
1T looked to me as ii there was some
kind Of pump under there"
"Oh, no." said Smiler, "those are
only the levers Of the lift"
Mighty queer. said Maginnis,
thoughtiully. eff that isn't pump,
then 1 don't know one when | see it."
So few days later Maginnis came
around with lot Of other patients and
found the doctor out. They determined
to investigate. They pulled up couple
Of boards and ascertained the facts about
that pump. Then they cross.examined
Smilers servant girl and learned about
the truth, and they went home mad. A
consultation was held, at which every
bilious and rheumatic individual who had
been working the doctors pump used
violent language and talked about murder
and sudden death. Finally they resolved
to prosecute Smner for damages and for
obtaining money under false pretenses.
1t is Thoughts by good judges that by the
time the court gets through with Smiler
it will be about the unhealthiest l;ft for
him be was ever iuterested in.