The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1876-10-18
The Great America n Raby.

checked, bright-eyed, curty-hared cherubs |!
Forty infant phenomena all at one fair 4! What
a pleasant diversity those small people must
have introduced in the conventional setting
forth of huge turnips, ingenious patchwork and
patent churns! How much roster were their
cheeks than those of the apples. How much
fairer their faces than those of the great
golden pumpkins. How decidedly must their
attractions have prevailed over those of
squash; and how relatively inconsiderable
must have been the allurements of the most
pretentious basket of potatoes and the most
self-satisfed beets and embroidery. The
Knox colts may have trotted 1eetly and well
at that same fair, but who would not have
beheld in preference those forty Knox babies
trotting triumphantly in their robes of state
on their proud mothers knees.
But on one point the public need informa-
tion. Statistics are demanded for the sociol-
ogical charts now in process of elaboration in
England. This point cannots perhaps be
stated with scientific precision, but in SUBJ
stance it is this: of the whole number of
judges or jurymen,-or women, actually
present and joining in the award of the five
prizes, what per cent. are now in the posses
sion and enjoyment of thesame quantity of,hair
with which they entered upon the discharge
OF their duties? F.? The answer to this question
leads by an easy mathematical inference to
the solution of that great ulterior yquestion
as to how many in thousand of those
daring umpires were instantly snatched bald
headed by the infuriated mothers of the
thirty-five unsuccessful competitors. Had
life insurance company whose officers possess
ordinary sagacity been obliged to imperil its
Surplus and ''reserve" and "cash assets''
and paid up capital" by taking risks on the
lives of warriors about to charge at some Bal
akava or into new Sioux ambush, or even
on those of citizens of Georgia or South Car
lima bent on voting the Republican ticket, or
as an alternative, on those of the judges of
infant perfection, how speedily would the
families of the political and military despera-
does have been reveling in the spoils of that
bankrupt corporation! Gunpowder, dynam-
lite, nitro-glycerine, gun cotton, and hydrogen
gas have been reckoned in their different ways
and degrees tolerably explosive and infamma-
bic. But how, ,inconsiderable their Illuminating
power compared with that of a mother to
whose incompatible darling stupid. corrupt,
venal and "horrid" judges refuse the prize.
Multiply this explosive force by thirty-fve
and then pay due honor to the heroism of the
Knox County judges.
1t is only the unthinking and the profane
who rdicule the baby show. For Little
Breeches is great factor in this world and
noisy one, and he must have recognition.
Let him by all means be constant feature of
the county fair. What an interesting item
would then be added to the biographies of our
great men. The "Life" of that extraordin-
ary man, the John Smith of the future, would
then begin in this way: cat the age of six
months he carried off the prize at the Rusti-
cum county fair over the heads of fifty COM
pstitors; and the feeling Of envy excited on
that occasion was so intense and active that
the price of wigs at once advanced two hun
dred per cent. in the Rusticum market"
The great matter for regret is that the baby
NAL Exhibition. Think of fit! picture it!-the
babies of all nations joining in a grand tri-
umphal chorus! Babies in all styles and of
all sizes, shapes and colors! Red, beefy and
gruff babies from Britain, swarthy babies
from Italy, blonde babies Of lymphatic temper
ament from Germany, brown babies from the
straits of Malacca, ebony pickaninnes from
the Gold Coast and the Gaboon River, yellow
babies from Bokhara, copper-colored
papooses from the West, white babies
from New Sweden and variegated babies
from Southern plantations. The aborigines
would have sent fat-headed babies, the
Chinese would have exhibited babies with
almond eyes, pig-tails and little feet, and the
Hottentots tri-basic babies with immense IA
cilities for maternal correction. There would
have been gigantic Patagonian babies, funny
Finnish babies and puny babies from the
| Puniaub. There would have been babie;
crying with an Irish brogue, babies squalline
in Choctaw or bowling in Welch, babies
screaming with the gutteral accent of Hol
land or in the nasal tones of France. W.
Il niSho hoFO oOCu LoqulLuduA UdUlcS CtOluco
in furs and fed on blubber, trim little Feejees
without borrowed habiliments, trying theil
milk teeth on tender missionary outlet, ant
Yankee babies clad in purple and fine liner
and fed on the milkman's compound and En-
erson's Essays. There. too, one might be
hold the conceted baby from Edinburgh, th
riotous baby from Cork, the intellectual bab.
from Boston, the vulgar Nubian baby from
Khartoom, the dissipated baby fromsGotham
the rebel baby from the South, the revolu
tionary and skeptcal baby from Paris and tn
anomalous baby from Timbuctoo. Conspic
uous in the morbid anatomy department
would be the Rag Baby from the West, con
stantly surrounded by crowd of curou
politicians. Last and best of all, as fittin
climax, the entranced spectator would hav
beheld that epitome of all perfections, tha
paragon of all that is graceful and lovely, tn
model baby-the first prize, gold medal bab.
from-yes-from Portland, Maine!