The Weekly Kansas chief. [volume] (Troy, Kan.) 1872-1918, 1876-06-22
ALIyELY COMPETITION.

We have doubts about the following story,
which comes to from the interior; but the
| author is responsible for what he says. and his
| name can be obtained upon application at this
office:
| Last Winter two of my neghbUrs, Mr.. Miller
| and Mr.. Grant, lost their wives upon the same
day, and both of the funerals took place three
| days afterwards, the intermcnts being made at
| the cemetery about the same hour. As the two
| funeral parties were coming out of the burying
ground, Miller met Grant, and clasping each
| others hand, they INDUCED in sympathetic
| squeeze, and the following conversation ensued ::
Viiler-'I'm sorry for you. It's an unspeaka-
\ BILE loss, isn't it 7"
Grdnt-"Awful! She was the best woman
| that ever lived"
MilIer-"She was, indeed. 1 never met her
equal. She was good wife to me-"
GrdHt-"I was referring to my wife. There
couldn't be two best, you know"
| WiHer-"Yes, know. | know well enough
| that your wife couldn't hold candle to mine"
GraRt-"She couldn't, heyf Could not hold a
candle Why, she could dance all round Mrs.
Miller every day in the week, including Sum
days, and not half try. She was an unmtigated
angel, take her any way You would"
Witier-"Oh. she was, shcf Well, | don't
want to be personal, but if owned a cross eyed
angel with red hair and no teeth. and rs bOny
as an omnibus horse I'd kill her, if she did not
die of her accord. How could a woman
dance that had feet like candle boxes, and lame
| at that ~
Grdnt-"Better be cross-eyed than wear the
kind of red nose that your wife hOurished
around this community. I'll bet it'll burn a
hole through the coffin lid. And you pretend
you are sorry she's gone. But You can't impose
| on me! / know You are so glad you can hardly
hold in. She was the chuckle-headedest wO-
man that ever disgraeed a graveyard; that's
what she was"
lfller-"If you abuse my wife, I'll knock you
down."
Grant-"Fd like to see you try it.'
The two diseOnsOlate widOwers engaged in a
hand to-hand encounter, and, after tusseling
while in the snow, the mOurners pulled them
apart just as Mr.. Miller was about to insist upon
his wife's virtues by biting off Mr.. Grants nose.
When they got home, Mr.. Grant tied Grape
upon all his window shutters, to show how
deeply he mourned; and as Miller knew his
| grief for Mrs. Miller was deeper, he not only
decorated his shutters, but he fixed five yards of
| black bOmbazine on the bell-pull, and dressed
| his whole family in mourning. Then Grant de-
termined that his duty to the departed was not
| to let himself be beaten by man who couldn't
feel any genuine sorrow, so he sewed a black
flag on his lightning rod, and festooned the front
of his house with black alpaca.
Then Miller became excited, and he expressed
his sense of bereavement by painting his dwell
| ing black, and by putting a monument to Mrs.
Miller in his front yard. Grant thereupOn stain
ed his yellow horse with lamp-black; tie Grape
| to his cows horn, daubed his dog with ink, and
began to wipe his nose on a black hand kerchief.
As soon as Miller saw these proceedings, he put
| a layer of charcoal all over his front yard, he
assumed black shirt, he corked the faces of
his family when they went to church, and he
hired colored man TO stand OF his steps and
cry for twelve hours every day. Just as Grant
was about to see this and go it one better he
encountered Miss Lang, young lady from the
city, and in a couple of weeks they were engag-
| ed. Then he began to take in the evidences of
his grief, and this made Miller so mad that he
went around and proposed to Miss Jones, an old
maid, who never had an offer before. She ac-
cepted him OH the spot, and they were married
the day before Grants wedding, which so dis
gusted him, that he would have given up Lang
breach of promise. There is peace between the
two families now; but when Mrs. Miller gets
on the rampage sometimes, Mr.. Miller mOurns
for his first wife innru than eyer