Buchanan County bulletin. [volume] (Independence, Iowa) 1869-1891, 1876-03-03
My Senatorial Secretaryship.
BY MARK TWAIN.

am not private secretary to Il
senator any more, now. | held the
berth two months in security and in
great cheerfulness of spirit, but my
bread began to return from over the
waters. Then I judged 1t best to re-
sign.
The way of it was this. My en-
ployer sent for me one morning tol-
erably early. AS soon as I entered
his presence | noticed that there was
something portentious in his appear
ance. His cravat was united, his
hair was in state of disorder, and
his countenance bore about it the
signs of a suppressed storm. He
held package of letters in his tense
grasp, and l knew that the dreaded
Pacific mail was in. He said:
81 thought you were worthy Of my
confdence?"
| said: eyes, sir"
He said: 81 gave you a letter from
certain of my constituents in the
State Of Nevada, asking the estab-
lishment of post office at Baldwin's
Ranch, and told you to answer it as
ingeniously as you could, with argu-
ments which should persuade them
that there was no real necessity for
an office in that place.
felt easier. ooh, if that is all,
sir, did do that"
eyes you did. l will read your
answer:
"'WAsHINGToN, Nov. 24.-Messrs.
Smith, Jnnes and Others-GENTLE-
MEN:-What the mischief do you
suppose you want of post office at
Baldwin's Ranch? 1t would not do
you any good. If any letters came
there, you could not read them, you
know; and, besides, such letters as
ought to pass through, with money
in them, for other localities, would
not be likely to get through, you
must perceive at once; and that
would make trouble for us all. No,
dent bother about post office in
your camp. | have your best inter
ests at heart, and feel that it would
only be ornamental folly. What you
want is a nice jail, you kaow-a nice
substantial iall and free school,
These will be a lasting benefit to
you. These will make you really
contented and happy. l will move
in the matter at once. Very truly,
etc, MARK TWAIN.
"'tor J. w. n, S. Senator
"That is the way you answered
that letter Those people say they
will hang me if | ever enter that dis
trict again; and l am perfectly salts
fed they will, too"
"Well, sir, did not know | was
doing any harm. | only wanted to
convince them"
ooh! Well, you did convince them,
1 have no manner of doubt. Now,
here is another specimen. l gave
you petition from certain gentle
men of Nevada praying that l would
get bill through Congress incorpor-
ating the Methodist Episcopal church
of the State Of Nevada. | told you
to say, in reply, that the creation of
such a law came more properly with
IN the State Legislature; and to en-
deavor to show them that, in the
present fceblcness of the religious
element in that new commonwealth,
the expediency in incorporating the
church was questionable. What did
you write?
"WAsHINGToN, Nov. 24.-ReU.
John Halifar and others-GESTLE
MEN:-You will have to go to the
State Legislature about that specula-
ton of yours-Congress don't know
anything about religion. But don't
hurry to get there, either: because the
thing you propose to do out in that
new country isn't expedient-in fact,
it's ridiculous. Your religious pco-
pie are too feeble in intellect, i'll NOR
ais, in piety-in everything, pretty
much. You had better drop this
you can't make it work. You can't
issue stock on an incorporation like
that-or if you could, it would only
keep you in trouble all the time
The other denominations would abuse
it, and bear it, and sell it short and
break it down. They would DO with
it just as they would with one of our
silver mines out there-they would
try to make all the world believe it
was wildcat You ought not to do
anything that is calculated to bring
sacred matter into disrcpute. You
ought to be ashamed of yourselves,
that Is what I think about it. You
close your petition with the words:
'And we will ever pray l think you
had better-you need to. Very tru-
ly, etc, MARK TWAIN.
"For James w. ", L. S.
Senator.
"7Hat luminous epistle finishes me
with the religious element among my
constituents. But that my political
murder might be made sure, some
evil instinct prompted me to hand
you this memorial of the grave com
pany of elders composing the Board
of Aldermen of the city of San Fran
cisco, to try your hand upon-a me-
mortal, praying that the city's rights
to water lots upon the city fronts
might be established by law of Con
gress. told you this was a danger
GUS matter to move in. | told you
to write nolf-committal letter to the
Aldermen-an ambiguous letter-a
letter that should avoid as far as pos
siblc all real consideration and dis
cussion Of the water-lot question. If
there's any feeling left in you-any
shame-surcly the letter you wrote,
in obedience to that order, ought to
evoke it when its words fall upon
your cars"
"WAsHINGToN, Nov. 2.-7He Hon.
orodle Board Of aldermen, Etc.
GENTLEMEN:-George Washington,
the reverend Father of his Country,
is dead. His long and brilliant
career is closed, alas! forever. He
was greatly respected in this part of
the couplfy, and his untimely deceasc
cast gloom over the whole commu-
nifty. He died on the l4th day of
Drrpmbcr 1900 He DaSSed neacc.