The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1876-04-02

gates a. ho 3 He'd by with every inch Of hurse-
Tie h. spiead and the conductors bell punch
Not content vita this speculation. he put on /
line b magninceut ocean ste .iusuiUs between /
Peck sil and Flushing, with fuil brass band /
~ each steamer.
Hre so started an Air Line of halfhourly bal |
leo tween Ton ukiuS squar aud the moon. |
Vet, MOI wlth sianding 'hei eide enterprises. he
continued IN derive hia chief iucune from the /
Bigger Buutj tck. lie hud come to heheVe That /
An"Ilo ieuulJ inks was dead, ana feJocrd /
thereat eNceedinflv
Death Il death, the grave h. n tomb. and NOR
tal IN ~ ~ Table 10 undergo the ono md occupy
the other. Think " TIM.
Every morning before he was out Of bed he
received MS SIN ~ army of brokers aud dictated
the OPERATIONS OF the dav. The Colonel USED to
remiiA' as ne sreichtd MS manly proportions
on the mattress, that extensive spcculatlUns
were best conducted Or tick.
He purchased of Mr.. Barnum n rided tri-
umpha car, and when no used TO ride down
town In II, drawn 10y SIX bav horses and half
dozen iiav oysters, aud preceded bV Levy and
toned comets, tie was the admiration Of Broad
wy.
Gen. by breylty. was on the point Of founding
the Bilger theological Seminary when q crisis
The au hor takes the liberty to point out TO
the intelligent reader that Gen. Dilger was not a
sentleman In spite Of hts brilliant tnanci@l sue.
married man, to fail In love.
HOAX the FIFTH.
Mrs. shlinRdam was lovely and wealthy.
but somewhat grassy widow, who moved In the
best circles II WAS the private opinion OF the
best circles that Mrs. Shillinedam knew a thing
or two in other words, that she had had ex-
whe ner the best circles did Mrs 8. injustice
or not, II Ia the authors belief tn the wirow
had sumcient shfewdnes to seek shelter when
II showersd.
THIS lovely but doubtful being was a blonde.
with a celestial cheek, and beautiful large ewes
and ears. q inclined to embunpoint tn such a
degree that her dear female friends whispered
that she had made her money In the Fat Lady
The General was introduced to Mrs. Shilling
dam 1T party.
SO smooth and musical that the consonants
seemed IKE sardines swimming IN vocal on.
"Geu. Bilger2 Ihe IrOpfietor OF Blger's Boot
Jack. presume. / always uss your boouack,
sir. IL nis INV heel to charm.
Her delicate tact and ananilitv soon put the
General at his ease. and he Uegan talking to the
widow with great huency about bootJacks aud
/ things.
| was bond ~ sympathy between them he WIS
| not gentleman; sns W : not gentleman. All,
! General, whittier art thou drfting9
Before many weeks the General loved the
| beautiful Shilngd m with the whole strength
| OF his heart, mead, soul, and military title. hut
she. the dirt. cared no more for him than tho
Venus Of Milo cares for cancelled postage
stamp.
FINALLY, the General called upon his huxom
! charmor aud inquired how tho idea Of a Euro
Dean tho pleased her. he author bess to su9-
gest that such a prupOsiuOn made by n married
| man 10 "a fciu lie woman, was Improper.
So Ars. shiihn- adam Thought. After blushing
cred sufficient presence Of mind to ak to see hls
! bank book.
/ after urief inspection of the book she arose in
ali the n jesty Of a beautiful aud heshy woman
| IN vrtuOus iudtgn tion. ana ordered the inside
ous tempter out - her house.
The Gener went home. distracted with rage
and Disappointment. As tie stood on his head
| before his mirror deCl lining AK inst widows
there flashed across his brain a nj locus scneme
| Of revenge.
With the deliberate deyllishness Of a Aend. be
| sent TO Mrs Shillingdam arcel containing the
Complete Poetic / Works OF upper Holland.
HOAX THE SIXTH.
The Generals disap ointment In love was fol-
| lowed b serious business r, verses. Several II
his Peck slip and Flushing steamers fonndered
IN lac W weather on lAacKwells Island. His
railroad investment suffered much from the ois-
honesty ~ conductor. Hts horses were swept
OF ov the epizoOtic. His pew IN Plymouth lost
he sold short when he ought TO have bought
long, and made other disastrous blunders. He
was obliged 10 give ,p his theological seminary
jack. This amounted to t50000O week
One day he was served with n notice from Mr..
uner, ltwyer, politely requesting him TO
hand over his booti ok prob =. MIR. Buffer,
while nippopotamu- shooting Ia Number Nine,
Quick and dis,nterested cnyairy with winch
ATTORNEYS ever ca mpion the cause Of the on
pressed, had undert ken to m he bigger sick.
! Biger became frightened and consulted Mr..
Puddinsoish an eminent lawyer VINO knew how
Mr. Puidinsiisn heard the General patiently
| $3.50. Vawned tSl2i wagged MS seal $50,
am TOT the General toat ne had no case
" Tue General began to remonauate, hut Mr..
PudGugcish batted hin over the mead with =
volume Of Revised statutes, iur whlcA probes
sunal service ne charged Tim $l,UO.
Then the General sent Mr.. Puddinedish a
tl0,OpO retainer anu the latter concluded there
was a very good case Ter all.
When the day Of trial came the court room
was crowded. for all VINO had ever nered men
tally by upper Hollands writings ielt an Aln Ost
personal interest.
Apollo BENNY inks stated under oath that he
the son OF his mother, and the sharpe-t
cross-exauuination oy Mr.. PuddinGdish failed 10
snake him materially upon THIS point.
At this 81 nal victory for The plaintiff the audi
encc could not restrain its applause.
Mrs. Shillinpdarn testified that she was Apol.
los long lost sister. fact which the novelist
been artfully concealng all along. In support
Of ner assertion sue finally, after a good deal Of
STA periIx and gigRling. undid the urapery that
enveloped her puruy arm and displayed "a vaccl-
nation mark that looked like map Of Phiadel-
III object" sid Mr.. PnddinGdsh; " object
70 tho Introduction OF vaccine matter IN this
case"
e The evidence Is competent" said his Honor
since ne defendant Is Jenneral'
Then the adroit lawyer tempted to shake
The weight Of that bare and SCARED arm 10y
throwing DOUBT on the characters OF tne witness
" Madame he asked severely, - nave you
ever been indicted for attempting 10 nde In a
horse car for one fare =
NO ar" replied the quick-wtted widow
tut nave seen hoth you ana old ililgewate'
there trying 10 sneak into Robinson Hail on
checks that were week Old
Al tnis home thrust the General hlushed and
Mr.. pud inguish whgged hls scalp viciousiy
The audirnce laughed uproariously and even
his Honor mad to cOnce 4 his smiles by covering
ms &c wiki the Gap OF hi, left EFT.
" | now offer the boot Ca, said Mr.. Buffer
" II ~ marNed Exhibit A"
ANY reader With the least smatterng - legal
knowledge can see that after this Important
evidence the case turned wholly upon the Ques
tlon whether Apollo's INSANITY was lndured. as
alleged, Nv the copy Of Timothy ItcOW % d
Letters u Young Married People" fcloniOusN
and malioiously presented 10 him ny Gen
Bllger.
lin regard TO the status OF bootjacks. your
Honor" said Mr. Buffer, with professional sly
ness, 81 VIII read toe Code, the twenty six
volumes Of Acts aud Resolves Of the Texas Leg
isature, Kent's 'COmmentaries,' Campbeli'
LIVES Of the Chief Justices and the HistorA
OF Nisi Prius'"
''Mr b. fer," said his Honor. with emphasis
"it is now nine minutes Of dinner time. fht
preliminary motions In an important case OF
stewed terrapin have alreadY reached the nOst
Of the Court from neighborlng restaurant. l.
you do not wind up your WOrsted In nine min
utes or less, shall commit you for contempt
and instruct the jnr1 to bring In for the defend
, ant. Now, tumpV
Theu," said Mr.. pluIer, with sc trcelY con
cealed Triumph, for he mad gained his point, 81
! call Prof. JehOsophat Jimms."
, theatriCal-lOuktug person, with melfncholl
ewes ana big diamond bosom pin, took th'
, stand.
Estate whether YOU are considered an exper
/ | in elocutlonary renderngs, Prof Jimms," sale
: Bl fer.
lau rNr. frlaNf nrut -