River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1876-05-18
The Facts About Mr. Tackcr's Pump.

From the Philadelphia Bn,letn.
some years ago a man named Tucker
invented steam pump for use on ship.
board. lie claimed for it that il would
pump away three times as many gal.
ions IN minute rs any other pump,
ana he got SOME Of his political friends
IN Congress 10 use their influence with
the Navy department TO have it tried
on one of the navy vessels. Finally he
succeeded ia having it introduced upon
small steamer, which we will call the
Water Witch, and when everything
was ready the ship started upon vOy-
aSe. soon after she got out to sea.
lucker, who WAS Oh board said he
would like totgytha pump upon the
bllge water To $40 how sha worked.
The Captain oglared the engineer to
turn 1t on, and the machine operated,
apparently, in the mos; hrautifal man.
ner. I'm about ul hnur one of the of.
ileers reported Thar the water was rap.
idly gaining nj Tho hold ami the Captain
sent down some men 10 discover where
the leak was. They came back AMI re-
ported that they couldn't find the hole,
but that the wator was pouring in
somewhere in frightful quantities.
Then some of the officers went down,
and spent half an hour in water M to
their waists feeling u, ound after that
awful hole but they couldn't asrer.
tain where il was. The only thing
that they were certain of was that the
water was steadily gaining Oh them.
and the ship WAS CERTAIN to sink unless
something was done. All this time
Mr.. fuckers pump was working away,
and the Captain continually enjoined
the engineer to give it greater speed
Then the Captain himself went dov
and made an examination. and al
though he failed to find the leak, he
was alarmed to discover quantity of
Goldfish and PURPOSES swimming about
in the hold, because he knew that the
hole in the huh must be very large in
deed to admit the fish. And still the
water rose steadily all the time, al
though fuckers pump was jerking
away at it in terrific manner. and all
the other pumps were running ut fall
speed.
At last the Captain made up his
mind that he should have TO desert
the ship, as she was certain to sink
and so the boats were made ready and
packed with provisions and water. and
few little comforts, and by this time
the water in the bilge was nearly up to
the furnace fires.
just then fuckers pump suddenly
stopped; and then the Captain turned
pale rs DEATH and demanded to know
who stopped that pump, while Tucker
buck.ed IA life-preserver around him.
corked up note to his wife in bot
tie. anu said that now that the pump
had ceased ne would give that steamer
just four minutes to reach the bottom.
While he was speaking. the engineer
came up and said.
MIR. Tucker, what did you say was
the capacity of your pump!"
Ninety gallons minute.
Ninety. Well, Mr.. Tucker. how
many gallons do you estimate that
there are in the Atlantic Ocean 7"
BLESSED if | know. How in the
mischief can | tell that I"
"Oh it don't make any particular
difference, only thought you might
have some kind of mn indstinct idea
how long 1t would take you to run that
pCtftl lIliDHH youl pump.
II dunno. I'm sure. said Tucker.
"Well, merely wanted to say that.
whatever your calculations respecting
the number of gallons in the Atlantic,
it is perfectly useless for You to try to
load up that ocean in this vessel. She
won't hold more'n half of it,
"What do you mean sir :" demanded
Tucker.
"Why. mean that that diabolical
pump of yours, instead of taking out
the bilge, has been squirting water into
this vessel for the past four hours, and
that, if you had theory that you
could strike dry land by that process,
it is ingenious, but it won't work, for
it's going to sink this ship"
Then the Captain swore that the air
was blue. Then he put Tucker in
irons and ripped out his pump, and
mpacked the boats and pumped out
the water and picked up the Goldfish
and porpoises, and set sail for home
for the purpose of making report on
the new invention. The Tucker I'M
proved Marine Pump went right out of
use at the end of that voyage, and
Tucker abandoned mechanics and went
sat. Ia, f,,4