Vermont farmer. [volume] (Newport, Orleans County, Vt.) 1870-1877, 1876-10-06
WHOLE NO. 3O4.
FACT AND FANCY.

France. 1t is considered there bad in age.
When can you be said to swallow hard
ware2 When you buy tumblcr and COB
let.
What is the difference between a cloud
and beaten child One pours with rain,
and the other roars with pain.
Music is an important element in polit.
ical party. When the band begins to toot
everybody thinks its Reconsideration.
Remarkably careful is that Danbury coal
dealer who stands on the scale himself to SEQ
that there is no fooliug with the weight of
a lead
What's the difference between an encount-
or with a grizzly and torn pannier Ones
a tussle with a bear, and the other is a bus
tie with a tear.
A Country subscriber says that while OPP
Grating a reaping machine the other day,
one of his cows got in front of it, and he had
"beef a Ia mot0ed"
Who wrote most-Dickens, Warren, or
Bulwer Warren wrote "Now and Then"
Bulwer wrote "Night and Morning" Dick
ems wrote call the Year Round"
A gentleman, wishing, not long since, to
"pop the question" took up the young lady's
cat and said "Pussy, may | have your
mistress ?' 1t was answered by the lady;
"Say yes Pussy.
The New York Mail says more people die
IN New York on Monday than on any other
day in the week. That is natural enough
when they have been led to think of dying on
Sunday.-N o. Republican.
Customer-"How much for the lilies of
the valley 2" Florist-"Five shillings a
bunch" Customer-"Too much" Florist
(bandly) "Well madam, if you will have
the lilies Of the valley, you must pay the
vally of the lillies."
A fat French lady despairingly says: 81
am so fat that pray for a disappointment
to make me thin. No sooner does the disap-
pointment come than the mere expectation
of growing thinner gives me such joy that l
become fatter than ever"
A doting mother of waggish boy, having
botted a quantity Of nice preserves, labelled
them, "Put up by Mrs Doo." Johnny, hav-
ing discovered the goodies, soon ate the con-
tents of one bottle, and wrote on the bottom
of the label, "Put down by Johnny Doo."
A negro being asked what he was in Jail
for, said it was for borrowing money.
"But," said the questioner. "they don't put
people in Jail for borrowing money" "Yes,'
said the darkey, "but l had to knock the
man down free or fo' times before he would
lend it to me-"
For printers wife, En-; for sports
wife, Betty; for lawyers wife, Sue; for a
teamster's wife, Garry; for a fshermans
wife, Netty for a shoemaker's wife, Peggy;
for a carpet-mans wife, Mattie for an auc-
tioneer's wife, Biddy; for chemists wife,
Anne Eliza for an engineers wife, Bridget.
A poor line of desccnt-The hangmau's
rope.-How to getan ear ofcorn-By pair
long breaths-What part of your sick bed
should remind you of the doctor 2-The pill
oh The best time to be on ship-When
they're paying out.-Just the place for
cap-size-ln hat store.
A train was carrying a clergyman and
five or six youths, who kept scoffing at re-
lgion and telling disagreeable stories. The
good man endured it all, simply remarking
as he got out: : ave shall meet again, my
children" "Why shall we meet again ?"
said the leader of the band. because
am prison chaplain" was the reply.
A good story is told of Spurgeon. His
habit is to shut himself up on Saturdays.
One Saturday man called and insisted on
seeing him. Tell him." said the visitor to
the servant, "that a servant of the Lord
wishes to see him." The message was de-
livered, and the following returned: "Tell
him that | am engaged with his Master"
The acute and quick-witted Rev. Lemuel
Haynes, of Vermont well-known years ago
throughout New Eugland-a very plain out
spoken preacher of the truth-was once
saucily accosted by an impudent triaer, with
the question, "Mr. Haynes, how old do you
suppose the devil is ?" "You must keep
your own family record" was the immediate
response, which very effectually punished the
impertinence.
One day Bill had company to dine with
him, and his wife, wishing William to ap-
pear well, quietly admonished him to be
careful what he said. All went well till Bill
got his potatoes mashed, when he said:
Dolly pass the grease !" "Why, William"
SAID his wife, "you should call it gravy"
"Wall," says Bill, 81 guess if got it on
your table.cloth, it would be grease" The
guests shouted.
Good people were very much touched the
other day by the conduct of small boy. A
large boy attacked him and cuffed his ears,
but the noble little fellow did not strike back
nor even swear at him. He bore it all pa
tiently till the big boy had gone, aud sill
very haired old man had patted him on the
head and given him something. Then he
went around the corner and licked that big
boys little brother till he couldn't stand up
: without leaning against the wall.
: See that see that exclaimed an anxious
acting man as he grasped policemans arm
in the Chicago base ball grounds the other
day. Wh-what? said the blue coat.
: Why, that fellow stealing there-stealing-
No; wh-where demanded the officer, as
: he seized the club and danced around
! ! Why, there, exclaimed the citizen, pointing
: to the grounds-that player there stealing
), base The policeman gave the fellow a
whitening look aud then wilted.
The following anecdote is submitted to
!. professional gentleman who give evidence be.
fore coroner's jures A witness for the prose.
cution in a murder case was thus questioned
q by his Honor "You say you saw the man
. shot at and killed 2" "Yes, SIR" "You said
| think, that the charge struck the deceased
4 on his body between the diaphragm and the
a duodenum ?" Witness-"No sir didn't
a say no sich thing, | said he was shot be-
f tween the hogpen and wood.house.",
o A country gentleman was in the habit o
If entertaining his friends almost weekly, and
ir discovered that regularly some small articl,
90 Of plate was missing, a castor-top, a salt
spoon, napkin-rng or something Of thu
Is kind. He suspected his servants aud L