The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-04-14
Mr.. Butterwick's Gas Bill.

During one of the few cold snaps that we
have had this winter, the gas meter in Mr..
Butterwicks house was frozen. Mr.. Butter
wick attempted to thaw it out by pouring
hot water over it; but after spending an
hour upon the effort, he emerged from the
contest with the meter, with his feet and
trowsers wet, his hair full OF dust and cob
webs, and his temper at fever heat After
studying how he should get rid of the ice in
the m eter, he concluded to use force for the
purpose, and so, seizing hot poker, he
jammed it through vent hole and stirred
it around inside of the meter with cocsid-
! cradle amount of vigor. He felt the ice
give way, and he heard the wheels buzz
| around with rather more vehemence than
usual. Then he went up stairs
He noticed for three or four days that the
internal machinery of that meter seemed to
| be rafting around in remarkable manner.
1t could be heard all over the house. But
he was pleased to find that it was working
again in spite of the cold weather, and he
retained his serenity.
About two weeks afterward his gas bill
came. 1t accused him of burning, during
the quarter, SOC, 900 feet of gas, and it called
on him to settle to the extent of nearly
S350,000. Before Mr.. Butterwck' hair had
time to descend after the first shock, he put
on his hat and went down to the gas office.
He addressed one of the clerks:
"HIow much gas did you make at the
Blank works last quarter
81 dunno; about million feet, reck-
on"
"Well, you've charged me in my bill for
burning half a million more than you
made | want you to correct it,"
LESS see the bill. Hm-m--m-this is
all right. us taken of the meter. That's
what the meter says"
"Spose'n it docs; couldn't have burned
more'n you made"
Cant help that, The meter can't
lie."
"Well, but how d'you account for the
diherence?"
Dunno. 'Taint our business to go nosng
and poking around after scientific truth. We
depend on the meter, If that says you
burned six million feet, why you must have
burned it, even if we never made a foot of
gas out at the works"
"ro tell the honest truth" said Butter
wick, "that meter was frozen, and | stirred
it up with poker and set it whizzing
around"
''Price just the same,' said the clerk.
"We charge for pokers just like we do for
gas"
"Hou amt actually going to have the
audacity to ask me to pay $3.50, 900 ON ac-
count of that poker"
'lf it was 100000 I'd take it with a
calmness that would surprise you. Pay up
or we'll turn oil your gas"
Turn OFF and be hanged" explained
) Butterwick, as he emerged from the Office,
te airing his bill to fragments. Then
he went home, and graspipg that poker he
: approached the meter, 1t had registered
; another million feet since the bill was made
, out. 1t was running up a score of a hun
: dred feet minute. In month Butlerwick
4 would have owed the gas company more
] than the United States government owes its
Il, creditors. So he beat the meter into a shape,
5 less mass, tossed il into the street, and turn
G ing off the gas inside the cellar.
i lie is now sitting up at nights writing an
l essay on sour Grinding Monopoli,s' by the
c light Of Kerosene lamp.