Whig and tribune. [volume] (Jackson, Tenn.) 1870-1877, 1876-06-03
VniTesffy DeinftIons.


per. He writes editorials, g1inds out
/ poetry, inserts dealhs and weddings,
sorts out MANUSCRIPTS, keeps waste bas-
/ ket, blows up the 'rievil," steals matter,
fites other peoples, bzttles, sells his paper
| for a dollar aud 50 cents 4 year, takes
white beans and apple sass for pay when
/ he can get il, raizes large family, works
! 10 hours out OF eyerY -, knows no Sun
/ day, gifts damned b everybody, and once
in while Whipped bi somebody, lives
poor, dies middle-aeed and often broken
hearted, leaves no mummy, Is rewarded
I for life of toll viii a short but free
obituary puff in tn other nuzepapers.
Exchanges Plsze co|sF. .-s=
PrOfessor.-Next define school mas
student.-A sch5sI master is man
after the image - hiz Maker, without
emmy VIE. ne works Tor 10 dollars
month, and eats hare and there, just az
he kaR ketch 1 road the neighbOrhood.
He il loved bysne bne, and suspekted bi
/ everybody. se e5ns hiz hair 3 times
per day, aud uses bog lard for pomatum.
lie u = long lived aRd has to move
I cross AZ an old siEc goose, settlng on 4 lot
Of broken china, TO all the young sehOl-
ars, but dassent sass the big ones. He
wears paper collar a whole week with
out washing il, and darns his own stock
/ ings. He never seen three hundred dol
lars in hiz life in one pile, and never
I will; and when he dies hiZ assets seldum
exceed s-blad9d Rogers pen knife and
bulls eye watch.
Professor.-Next, define an Alderman.
Student.-An alderman il a philan
/ thropist and philosopher ov uncertain
reputashun. He works for nothing, and
( don't kare whether other pholks likes the
| job or not. He loves rich phood. and
| sWears by the contingent fund. He IL
a n vi
/ funerals on hand az once, & one Oy hiz
| greatest prequisits IL free ticket to n ne
/ gro minstrel show. Hiz family looks
| upon him az the greatest man that haz
ever lived sin'se the days Of Kristopher
Columbus, bug the community looks up
on him as cheap investment, and gen
orally turns him out at the end ov the
first year, and puss sum other saloon
keeper in hiz place Republicks are al
ways ungratcful, and aldermen hav
alwuss been lacked upon as bummers bi
natur. have been an alderman myself
once, und knO how the thing works.
ProfesSor.-Next, define auctioneer.
Student.-An auctioneer IL an unfort-
innate individual who doZ other peoples
lieing for 10 dollars day, and boards
himself. He haz got az much jaw az a
wolf trap, and az much cheek az a 10
year old mule. He takes up the pro-
feshun quite often upon the same princi-
pie that hoss dOktOr dOz hiz, not be-
kause he is fit for the bizzness, but just
TO have one in the naborbOOd. Hiz great
est pride IL to mingle what he calls hu-
NOR with hiz harangue when he liz on
the block, but hiz jokes are generally az
level az a cold slap jax. He IL at the
hite of hiZ ambishun when he haZ wor-
ried a laf out Of the bistanders, and uses
the same retOrik and Stiffness when he
sells out an estate that he doz when he
Il. 4 Il
chattcl mortgage in front oV The court
house. The village auctiOneer liz the
hero of the 10Th century; he IL supposed
to be az cunning az fox, and to be in
hiz konfidence and taste ov his secrets IL
az bi mp in the skale ov importance AZ
the common citizen expekts to reach. A
kuntry auctiOneer and a kuntry hoss
jockey are two wonderphul men I'm the
rural distrikts.
ProfessOr.=Next, define a quack.
Student.-A quack knows no iz a dead
beat, but he also knows that mankind
luves TO be cheated. He Il entirely diff
ferent from Pedant, and would az soon |
take rais bane a. % take his own pills. /
He alWuss haz sum speciality, and the |
more diflikult the diseaze the more bra
zen IL he in hiz offers to kure. He prcys |
upon the poor and unfortunate, and il /
would be az difiikult and improbable to |
prove malpraktiss agaidst him. az it |
would bigamy against a warf rat. They |
are the vilest frauds upon earth, and like |
all other common euemys should be /
hunted with dogs and guns out of the /
land.
Professor.-Next, define an old maid. |
Student.-An old maid is the last goose I
berry left ON the bush, ded ripe and ready 1
to phaul Oph at the fust shake. She il 4
sometimes leetle hard to suit, but il |
right often the most charming relic in 4
the neighbOrhoOd. They are all ov them /
diamonds, and the reason they are not I
set and worn il, that they have either q
flau in them, or are Oph color. This IL |
only trick of the experts, and i don't I
believe word ov it. Next to mothers
in-laws old maids hav bin abused more /
than ennything human, but they all ov /
them haV shiny spot somewhere in
their hearts that everybody IL welkum
to kraul into and sun themselves. If /
could hav mi way they should all hav the
husband they chooze to pix out, and then
should hav a dozen little yung maids and /
yung bachelors TO make their glory more
perfekt. Old maids and mothers-in-lSw
hav bin trOd on enuff, and i am going
hereafter to strike out from the shoulder
in their behalf, and sumbOdy IL going 1
to git it if they don't look out. Yes they /
am.
ProfessOr.-Next, define ghost,
Student.-A ghost il about foot .
inches in height, and weighs from to = 1
ounces. They are oY the maSculin and I
feminine natur, but principally nutur. /
They amt afraid of nothing, and Will 4
hang around a graveyard az kareless az
a school boy will around an orchard in 4
green apple timez They are like CRATE I
menny other things in this world often I
heard Ov but never seem will give I
10 hundred dollars TO see a ghost and I
250 more to own one, but ] want il |
kaught whole, and not hurt. Mi friend 4
Phineas 4. Barnum will take whole 4
drove Oy them at the same price per
ghost, and not quarrel about the gender. /
Therefore bring on your ghosts. Ghosts I
alwuss dress in a white mite gown sort of {
a rig and are the quickest things that hav 4
ever been trotted out yet. Their Ordina- I
ry gait is mile in a seckund, but it IL 4
said for a purse they kan beat this handy. F.
l would really like to see one 90 in pub [
lik for mummy, private time is alwuss 4
suspishus.
Viii can't some OF our agricultural /
hOss tTot associations offer 4 puss, free I
for all ghosts? Ii would draw like a
mustard plaster in the month of August. /
So il would.
Professor.-Next, define Judas Iskari- /.
oft.
Student.-Judas Iskariott is one of the I
y. He was the meanest man that ever /
chance here and hereafter for 80 bits Ov
silver. We have no ackOunt of the size /.
of the pieces, but probably they was
wOrtl, about 10 cents each. He got 3 dol /.
lars for the basess akt ever imagined, or /
did, and then hung himself before he I
had time to spend the mummy.
PrOfessor.-Next, define an old bache- /.
lOr.
Student.-An old bachelor il born in a
masculin gender, but changes his base to
the nutuF. He IL a lOng-lived bird, and I
generally dies a slOven. He il az full of
particulars ~ an indictment for petit
larceny. He thinks he has got a good T.
lone hand, but in playing it almost al /
wuss gets ukered. tie sometimes, late I
in life, makes up his mind to git marrid, .
and then invariably there is two parties .
who gifts cheated. l am glad Oy il.
Professor.-NeXt, define a deacon
Studeut.-A deacon il a fust luten-
ant in a meeting house. He IL good
Christian man, but hiz kTeed IL too often I
az much bother to him az a yoke IL to old I
goose. He il az phull of bizzness rs A
wimmin's : rites convenshun, an mourns /
heavy for the sinSof the people. He has /
more pity than brains, anCs often more
fuss than either. L luy the average dea- I
kOn, he il an ornament to hiz brigade, he I.
luvs his flag. He makes a good fite. and
if he gifts whipt he don't know it. A
good deakOn in 4 naborhOOd IL a substan-