The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1876-10-21
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
Cracksmen prefer to try an old mans house, be-
cause his gait ia broken and his locks are lew.
Reading man has written an essay on ''Bus-
tlcs' And some bustles project sufficiently to
enable n man to write an essay on 'cm very
easily.
4 prominent New York official was asked what
would be done with Boss Tweed after ne was
brought back. His answer was, ''Ihey will pro-
badly let him escape again.
Distinguished foreigner (aftcr lapse) "These
Ceutcnnials-aw-are very encouraging to the
wepublie, should think-aw. Do they occur
oftcn?''
Daniel Drew hadn't the faintest intention of
ioking when, in response to reporters query as
TO his opinion of Vanderbilt's chances OF life, he
replied ''I have no hope of his recovery. know
his physician very we'll
In the multitude Of remarkable events with
which the ast century Of our civilization has been
crowded there is no instance OF any great mrs-
clan having been born and brought mp next door
to boiler factory.
Gold Hill NeiuS "I'm the most gOod-naturd d
feller YOU ever see,'' remarked six footer in
Gold Hill saloon last night, apropos OF personal
discussion with another gentleman 81 docs
eyerythin' in good natur. Yessir cud chaw
man, ear off an never feel mad 'nuff to cuss.
English garden parties do not impress the
French very iavorably, if We judge by letter to
the Paris FfqdrO 1.-THE sole amusement, says
the writer, "consists in eating strawberries and
ices holding solemn conversations and watching
royal personages feed. The entertainments are
conducted with great sadness, and there is little
difference between a garden party ana m nlgh
class funeral. In Franco there would be games,
laughter and general enjoyment"
Vqu;tv Fair: certain waiter recently left the
Athenaum Club to enter the Army and Navy,
and being grave person, as became his origin,
he was at once assured by his own commander
that he would never be able to stay in his new
rowdy lot of members ''Lord bless you,
said he, 'syou should 60 to the Athenaum and
hear them Bishops swear. When their chops
isn't done right their langwidge is lawful F"
CLARIFYING AN UMBRELLA.-One of the most
cheerful sights in the world (says the New York
Commercially is the graceful abandon with which
the American and especially the New YORK
woman. carries the umbrella which shades her
fair face from the sun. That instrument OF tor
ture-for it proves to be one in many instances
lis borne along ut the same height and with the
same unvarying steadiness in the surglng crowd
of Broadway as on the retired cross-streets up
town. Tt does not matter to her how dense the
crowd is or how fast it goes hurrylng by, the
parasol is sternly immoyabe, and as the tips oil
the wires are ON the level of the average man S
eve it is not strange if occasionally one penetra-
tes that delicate organ. Nothing could be more
different than the way in which man and woman
carry the umbrella. The former keeps it con-
stantly moving in order to accommodate the crowd;
the woman sweeps along, and if anybody's hat or
ewes are in the way, it is not her fault.
To SPITE JoHN-A physician was recently
called to attend an aged woman. lie found her
living in most squalid proverty and dirt. 1t ap-
pears that her only resource was an annuity OF
about SIS, which her son John was legally bound
to raw her She was very ill, and ut first the
doctor had no hope of recovery. But after a rev
days attendance, he one morning found marked
improvement in her condition.
'tWelI, granny" said he, "you are great
deal better this morning
oOh, be II" said she, with great animation.
ssAnd wull get well, docther?'
sGYes, think you will, - he replied
ssBut arc you shure of it, docther? ??
Eyes, am quite sure Of it.
HOh docther, :" said she, starting up and thrus-
ting her hand under the bundle OF rags which
constituted her pillow and drawing it out with
energy, s'if had bag of goold here under me
pilly I'd give yees the hull of it for that same
Then laying herself back exhausted she added:
lI don't care anything about living, but
should like to disappoint John"
Gold Hill Ne,rs tBrutus Blinkenberry,'' said
the suffering wife of that person, night before
last. nBrutus Blinkenberry, L have borne your
drunkenness and abuse long enough. You are OF
no use to yourself or anybody else, and shall get
a divorce and free myself from this disgraceful
slavery
sNO0. come, AllfIa, eSpOsIuldttu
.sbe reasonable. I know I've not been the hus-
band had orter to have been, but hang it, don {
90 for to divorce a feler because he's on'y tough
on his toddy." ''You're brute, Blinkenberry,'
said the lady, sand no decent woman can live
with you / don't want any quarrel. but you
can see yourself that we can't get along Now,
YOU go to lawyer Dobbins an get him to draw up
the papers. can earn my own living and /
shan't live with you another day" Blinkenberry
argued, appealed and finally wept copiously. Ii
was useless. The lady was determined upon a di-
Eorce, and the poor man hunted up Dobbins, and
with tears in those eyes which have so often been
reflected 10 bar-room mirrors, got that legal giant
TO draw up n complaint in which the said Brutus
BIinkenberry aforesaid was charged with habitual
drunkenness, cauelty, failure to provide, and q
shameless disregard of the Ten Commandments
Quite broken-hearted, poor Bnkenberry dragged
home with this document andEdejectedly laid 1t IN
the lap of his wife. She read it and said with
deadly ealmness: "Brutus, you have given me
a wound which can never heal. I've been q
GOOD wife to you Blinkenberry, and little thought
Won would expose me to the shame of a divorce
COURT "Good gad, Maria, cried the amazed
man, ''didn't you insist on my going to Dobbins
Amt it your own pruppersition?'' The lady
cave n hysterical shrek, and to-day Mr. Blinken
berry has been going about with a quantity o
court-plaster on bis countenanea and confding t.
his friends the fact that fsyou can't know nOthlp