The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1876-04-07
SECRETARY TAFT.
An Alleged Account OF His First
Interview W ith the President.
Eat Contributor in saturday Nisht.l

Fat Contributor in Saturday Night
Although one of the best lawyers in
the country. Judge Taft don't know any
1 twU-horse lumher wagon. But he ia de-
/ termined TO learn. The other day Grant
dropped at the War Office and found his
new Secretary deep among official dvcu-
ments.
Posting yourself up, Alphonso?"-
said the President with an encouraging
smile.
YES" said the Judge eagerly, Il
want to know everything pertaining TO
the business. have been running over
the disbursements Of the Department
for the last year to see what was expvnd-
ed for catapults."
For cata WHAT" said the Presi-
dent, paHsing. as he was ahout TO strike
a match on his boot 10 light a fresh ci-
gar.
"CatapLlts. You have them in the
army, haven'I your said the Judge, in
rather an uncertain tone of voice.
The President smiled liItle, and said
they did have few left over from the
war, but he believed they had all been
ured up. Then the Secretary said he
should certainly order some more made,
for he considered the catapult on4 Of the
most effective weapons in modern war
fare. They did great execution at the
siege of Jerusalem, a. | remember read
ing" unused the Secretary, land il is
doubtful whether Tiberius would have
been able to have reduced the city with
out them"
Grant looked at his new Secretary
through the cigar smoke few moments,
and then told him if he ordered any
caIapulIs he had better have them
"ritied," with an adjustable. mnzzle-
loading bayonet. and the Secretary made
memorandum TO that effect.
81 see that considerable money has
been spent in expeI Iimenting with torpe-
does" continued the Secretary, looking
over the disbursements. THAT seems to
be waste of money. and it encourages
bad habit among children. Serious
accidents have Frequently resulted from
little boys throwing torpedoes under
hOrse~' feet on the Fourth Of July, and
it ought TO he stopped"
The President remarked that the tor
pedO wasn't thing to fool with, and the
Secretary read on. Suddenly he jlmped
10 his feet, while the hot, indignant
blood flashed 10 his very temples AZ he
exclaimed: mo wonder the country Is
impoverished, and the taxpayer groan
ing beneath his burden. Here, while
trade languishes and the wheels of in
dustry are clogged all over the land, my
predecessor has been shipping luxurious
delicacies to the garrison of our forts,
thinly concealed under the term she'll
What does shell mean? Shell oysters, Of
course! That's what it means. But they
don't get any shell while ! am Secretary.
I'll settle that"
That's right" said the President. "If
they get any oysters, make them shell
out for them, themselves;" and then he
added in an aside to himself, they
would have to if they Bought them of
one of Belknap's post traders"
"Yes;" continued the Secretary, "look
at the quantity of grape on hand, class
ed among Munitions of War What
does grape mean and what is it for?"
at is 20 wash down the shell oysters
with, ] suppose" said Grant, with a
merry twinkle in his eve, which the
Judge didn't see.
/ That's it, exactly" cried the Judge.
keeping the soldiers on wine and oys-
ters, while thousands of people are wan
dering around in hopeless search for a
free lunch. tell you, 'Lyssis, this is
scandalous"
The President, as he arose to go. said
he was glad he had Secretary of War,
at length, who was determined TO look
into things and reform abuses, and eau
/ tioning him not to forget to have those
catapults rifed, he returned to the
! White house with broader grin un his
face than anybody had ever seen there
Ut fore.