The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1876-12-08
NEIGmBOREEOOD GOSsHsDS.

------------------------
NEEGmBORHEOOD GOSszs.S.
All About that Episode Ia the Domestic
Affairs sf Mr.. and Mrs. McOuRy
How Happiness Was
Found to Lie Be
| tween Two Ex-
! tremes.
| Mr.. and Mr.. McDuffy have long been
noted by their neighbOrs and friends
as the happiesr, and most affectionate
couple that ever lived together. They
are always seen together at the thea
tire, at concerts, at the TiVoli after the
concerts-and, in fact, whatever John
likes she likes, and vice versa. The
only difference between them is a con-
stitutional one. John is lean. very
lean; so lean that the most skillful
marksman would as soon think of TAX
ing a willow wand for a target at 800
yards as him. He works hard and late,
drinks sour mash at irregular intervals,
chews tobacco without ceasi1g, goes
around very freely with the boys and
seldom thinks about eating. He is
never seen TO paste dab of mustard
upon chunk OF brown bread before
drinking his beer, AS other fellows do.
No; he drinks first one glass, and then
another, aud then meets another man
and takes some brandy on top OF it.
Thus Mr.. McDuffy, by a course OF
treatment, had been growing leaner
and leaner, until "his dimensions to
ans thick sight were becoming inyisi-
ble."
Mrs. McDuffy is fat, very fat; SO fat
that her most expensive garments gen.
orally become useless to her long be-
fore they are worne out. 1t was once
remarked thar she had to slide through
the door of The Tivoli sideways, but
this was pure eXaggeraLiOn. Unlike
her dear John, she is very regular at
meals, takes life easy, believes every
word that Mr.. McDuffy tells her about
his iateness In getting home, has ne
darling suspicious about his lady &C
quaintances. She drinks beer plenti-
FULLY, and makes no secret TO any one
that she is particularly fond of it. And
so she has been growing fatter and
latter, until she become shy of being
| weighed before people.
These observations refer to the Nc
Dutys as they appeared several months
since.
Some time ago friend OF the family
called upon Mrs. McDuffy. She saiC
stout for anything. Excuse my say
ing so.'
4 Declare aaid Mrs. McDuffy, Il am
actually ashamed of it, bat what can
do?'
'Do,' said her friend 'why, do as ]
did. Look how I've come down In
six weeks. weighed 179, and now
% for h eaVen's sake, tell me- saiC
Mrs. Med. I'D be ticKled almost &c
death TO get down little
well then, adopt the Banting sys-
tenn. Avoid eating all sacchrine sub.
stances, don't eat potatoes, sugar, but
ter, vegetables, pudding'-here the
good creature expounded the doctrine
of the philanthropic Mr.. Banting.
Il shall commence right away sale
Mrs. McDaffy' God bless you; my
DEAR
1t happened that on the self-same
day on which the above conversation
was held at home, Mr.. McDuffy met 8
medical acquaintance OF his at the
Sherman HOuse-Or as he would have
said to Mrs. Med, down town. In
fact, they were having a quiet tipple
together at the bar.
i My boy said the doctor, you are
not looking well ; you are getting thin.
Il am always thin,' said John; but
it's a tact, I'm not feeling very bright
Truth Is, l haven't any appetite,
You take too much of this, John, ,
said the doctor, gravely, as they
touched glasses; you must give it up.
Must I?' says John; then here's
to us for the last time.'
And John proceeded to whistle hi:
faYOrite Scotch air Mel Cows fare
weel to whisky
Yes continued his medical adviser
looking into his eye and poking his
forefinger into the hollow space be-
Meath the orb, sour mash is bad thing
for you. Your nerves are Frustrated
you'll soon be throwing Hp your foed
Y ou have Inflammation and congestion
J of the gastric
'Ob, for Gods sake don't scare nae,
said John. 'I'm not so far gone as al
that, surely. l have q sort of giddi.
ness now and then, but-by Jove, ole
fellow, guess you're right. l may be
carrying this little too far. What's
TO be dOne?'
The medical man whipped out lit.
tie bit of paper from his vest pocket
screwed a neat little pencil out of i'll
gold case, dabbed it on his tongue, anC
+ scrubbed off some hieroglyphics.
There said he, go and take tina
and that'll carry you over your pres.
ent difficulty. But, my boy, yoI
must try and get fat
John smiled sadly, and pulled dowr
his vest.
And how in thunder am te get IA t
l should like to know?'
The doctor laid his hand on john!
shoulder, and, with q look which
seemed TO say, "This is going to settle
the fate OF the country pronounced
+ the word
'Keumiss.'
'KOumiss echoed the lank man.
What the devil is that?' John was
looking bewildered and incredulous.
Don't sneer now; but it's only-s
cent, you kRow-an exhilarent-assim
Hates with the blood. Live on it, my
boy, live on it three months, and YOU
will weigh mere'n your wife. Good.
bye.'
That night Mr.. McDuffy stubbed hi!
toes two or three times in ascendins
, the stairs to his room but it was tol
, the last time.
john said his comfortable partner
just waking up while Mr.. Med. wa.
occupied in long and silent struggle
with the boot on the left foot, isn't II
awful late, dearT'
why no, not much said he, con.
irving to turn the gas down low, sc
, that Tue CLOCK COuIU not give an OO1eCl
lesson bout the same's us't s'pose.'
, 90 my dear, what kept you out 81
I, late?
P'litk1 meeting House David
{ campaigns booming, now, tell you.
Champagne, l should think, sh
: said, shaking herself wide awake
, John, dear, please turn up the gas;
8 have got something TO tell you. VIVA
4 are you doing.
BY and by Mr.. McDuffy silentl,
I helda chunk of ice to his head for tel
ninuts, and then turning up the ligh
cautiously, sat down on the edge OF tn
I bed. He was afraid of being nisin
! terpreted, so he became exceeding
ly deliberate in his speech.
Saw DR.. Elah tonight, and had
long talk with him Sent his regards
I He says am working too hard aat
. must have rest.
Poor boy That is what 1 have beef
forever telling you, dear. Now sup
pose we take q trip on the lake whei
I the warm weather comes. 1t is jus
= the thing you need.