The Hillsdale standard. [volume] (Hillsdale, Mich.) 1851-1909, 1876-04-04

''There that explains where ny
clothes-line went toi" exclaimed an
Iowa woman as she found her husband
hanging in the stable.
1t pleases woman to see man hold
plate OF refreshments ON his knee at
party. He can't do il without turn
ing in his toes.-lDanbury News.
IL is believed by the detectives that
old Bender, the Kansas murderer, 10
dead. When the detectives can't catch
q man they always believe him dead
Free Press.
where's the molasses, Bill2" said q
red-haired woman sharply to her sou.
who had returned with an empty Jug.
'Nope in the city, mother, Every gro-
Gerry has q large board outside, with
letters chalksd on it, N. o. Molssses."
"Julius, why didn't you oblong ysur
stay ut the Springs?" "Kase, Mr..
Snow, dey charge me too much" "How
so, Julius?" ivy, de landlord charg-
ed dis colored individual wid stealin'
de spoons"
The way they weigh hogs in Kansas
is as follows: They first tie the hog to
one end Of a rail balance the rail on Q
fence with rocks tied to the other end,
and then guess how much the rocks
weigh.
A man that will swear at the pig .hat
neglected to eat the acorns that grew
the tree from which came the refracte-
~ piece OF oak he is vainly trying to
split, may be said to have gotten down
to the root Of the thing.
Mrs. Livermore asserts that there
are only three thousand decent, re-
spectacle, loving husbands in the CONN.,
try" Thanks. We don't know where
the other 2, ,999 others are, bet here's
our best wishes for the compliment.
The California Independents, have
concluded to return TO the Rspub-
lican fold. They hgve discovered that
independence in politics nowadays,
means playing into the hands OF the
Democracy.
"I fear" said church minister TO
bis flock, "when explained TO you 10
my last charity sermon, that philan-
thropy was the love OF our species,
you must have misunderstood me 90
say specie, which may account for ths
smalluess OF the collection"
"what size do you wear, sirp" blsad.
the customer, about" Just then,
in stepping back towards the mirror.
he stepped on piece Of orange peel
and sat down suddenly-"about . cap
size, think"
1t took 800 pounds OF nitro glycer.
ine to blow up James Barnum, OF Penn.
sylvania. But il WAS q thorough job,
as the coroner admitted wheR he sat
down on vest-button aud instructed
the jury to bring in q verdict OF "fool-
ing around.
"Ain't il pretty?" said Mrs. H., hold
ing up her new bonnet. There's some
charming ideas in that, l can tell you.
'Glad of it, said John. "It's just as
well 10 have ideas somewhere about
your head, you know" and he paused
TO catch hair brush on the fly.
An Indian came TO q certain agent Ia
the northern part OF Iowa to procure
some whisky for q younger warrior who
had been bitten by O rsttlesnake.
"FoEr quartsl" replied the agent with
surprise; "as much as that?" yes"
replied the Indian, -four quarts
snake very big"
Probably the tallest living specimen
of the human race is young man from
Alcocer, in Spain, who is twenty-six
years OF age, and nine feet ten inches
and a half in height. He is named
Augustin Lvenga Capilla, and has late
ly been presented to the King Of Spain.
He is "a rising young man."
At the trial Of one Putnam, at vir-
ginia City, for leading an idle and dis
solute life, District Attorney Campbell
defined q loafer as an aggregated,
concatenated, conglomerated. segrega-
ted, contaminated, id loafer.'
This decided the jury at once, and
they found Putnam guilty.
Maria is q very popular name IA H.
| inois. When a cat climbs back fence
in 4 we'll populated neighborhood and
plaintively calls out "Msriarl twenty
or thirty windows are hastily thrown
mp, from which protrude twenty or
thirty female heads wildly answering.
| "What"
A sweet young creature, who hv.s
cut on Angular street, and who 10 just
back from Vsssar, appealed with ten
der pathos to her grim parents the 9th.
er day: Paw, desh paw, cshnt You
give Cahlo away, and buy ma q seal
brown black -and-ta to match my walk
| ing suitf" And because paw roarsd
and guffawed and said there were NO
brown black-snd-tans in the market,
she cwied. poor girl. - Burlington
Hawkeys.
he came from the country seven
years ago, and is now Q vell-to-do
merchant. Last week he wrote 10 the
old folks, telling them that he had
married lady with q very dne voice
"mezzo-soprano Of quite extraordin-
airy compass" Yesterday he receivsd
an answer from his mother informing
him that his lamented aunt was afhict-
ed With something Of that sort during
her life, but had always found relief in
placing q mustard plaster on the sole
of each foot and drinking pint OF cat
nip tea.
A chap from the Western part OF the
State went to bed at one Of the hotels
the other night, and blew out his gas
instead of turning il OF. The gas rush
ed out, the room was close, and IN
about q half hour the smell became &C
strong that the stranger got out OF bed,
opened the door and shouted for the
clerk. The clerk came up and demand
. ed to know what was mp. 81 never
, stopped in Detroit over night before,
| replied the stranger, and i don,
. know but this smell is all right, but II
pears to me as il something had bust
ed. somewhere.
The other day, says NJ. Quad. De
troiter, who has o good record OF army
service, took down his revolver TO shoo
a cat which had been hanging around
the house After looking at him while
: be fred six shots the cat walked away
While be was loading up for more de
I struction the shooters small boy 10
quired;
. "Father. did you ever kill any on,
while you were in the army
"I suppose so, my SON.
After o long pause the boy continu's
Then you must have got near emo
! ugh 10 hit 'em With an AZ, didn't youf
IL was then discovered 10 be Abou
xchool-time