The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1876-10-06
Wit and HumOr.

A CHINAMAN's decision on ice cream
was, cold grub, no cookie nuff."
WHEN a Turkish General loses a bat
tie he is removed to the seimitery.
"THAT star you see up there" said an
Aberdonian tutor to his pupil "is big
ger than this world" ''No, it isn't"
Yes, it is" then, why doesn't it
keep the rain Off"
A CONNECTICUT school marin, who was
recently kissed in the dark by mistake,
explained her omission to use any light
for nearly two weeks afterward on the
ground of hard times.
"WHAr ais dis peoples of America"
says an old traveller from Germany, els
dot dey walks NIT der legs too much in
der sthreet gars out, und don't got some
muscles some more"
"YOU labor over-much at your COM
position, DOCTOR" said fippant clergy
man to venerable divine. "I write
sermon in three hours, and make nothing
of it.. $50 your congregation says"
quoth the doctor.
THE scientists now assert that bar
soap breeds sickness in the family, which
is ridiculous. Not one mad woman in
thousand will use bar of soap when she
can find teapot or broomstick.
Louis Republican.
1T is said that the Sandwich Islanders
believe that Beelzebub walked the earth
in the form Of woman. And now and
then man is to be found in this coun-
try who believes 80 too, and that he has
married that woman.
A LAWYER, who was defending a man
on trial for wife murder, sought for some
euphonious and innocent phrase with
which to describe his clients crime, and
finally said "He winnowed her into.
paradise with fence rail.
THE Brooklyn Argus justly says it
looks bad for member of Band OF
Hope to enter street car, walk to the
front door, open the brass plate in it,
drop nickel through the opening on
the front platform, end then sink to
sleep in corner, murmuring "Zor-
rite.
ANYBODY can run a newspaper. ALL
there is to do is to get lot Of type,
press, a pair OF scissors, paste cup and
brush, 500, 900 in cash. a set Of cast iron.
nerves-then there will be no more
trouble running paper than there u
"shinning" up a church steeple feet
first.
A CLERGYMAN, preaching a sermon, on
death, concluded with the following OBJ
servation "But even death, my
brethren, 80 well deserved by mankind
for their sins, the wisdom of Providence
has, in its paternal kindness, put at the
end of our existenos; for only think what
life would be worth if death were at the
beginning"
THE Judge asked an Irish policeman
named O'Connell.: "When didyou last
see your sister," The policeman re-
piled, "The last time I saw her, My
Lord, was about eight months ago, when
she called ut my house and /, was out. |"
The Judge: "Then you did not see hes
on that occasion?" The Irishman en-
swered, "No, Ny Lord, I wasn't there"
MAMMA" Oh, doctor, my little An
ME has swallowed the whole contents of
homeopathic medicine ehestl" OrthO-
dox practitioner" What, the bottlesa"
Mamma" dear no." Orthodox
practitioner" The shoppers Mamma
| INO, Oulf blo kAOOuOcs. OAehOesCA
practitioner" Oh, that's all, then you
need not be in the slightest degree
alarmed. Good day. Funny, FOLKS.
A BRooKI.xN deacon was discussing
the question of "free agency, and illus
trating his view of the subject: "As a
general thing;t is wrong to destroy the
life which You do not give, and yet when
q wasp has taken advantage of your good
nature and you raise your hand t. ami
hilate it, though He who made that
wasp should cry, Don't strike, you'd
answer ooh, Lord, Il can't help 1t 7
and you couldn't"
Two, nEssoNs wers once lspubing 80
loudly on the subject of religion that
they awoke big dog which had been
sleeping on the hearth before them, and
he forthwith barkod most f1riously. An
old divine presenh who had been quiet
ly slipping his tea while the disputants
were talking, gaze the dog q kick, and
exclaimed, "Hcld your tongue, You silly
brute You know no more about it than
they do"
Ten German mind Is sonRetimes very
ouick to reach conclusion. Llustrat-
inc the opposite of this remark, Mr.
Ferguson toA Hans Of the German who
sat 1000 years graxely contemplating
his toes. and then, rising, said with
! SIGH of relief, "Vell. I don't see nodingl
! the matter with them Hah y sai6
Hans quickly. "Eow cot you sAere
II vas a tam lie. No man efer leffet
. tree t'onsand years, heyf foSA mus
bin CRAZY"