The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1876-12-21
Wit and HumOr.

Wit and HumOr.
WHEN gentleman addresses lady as
"ma belle" ought he to ring her2
A MAN who drinks lightly is now called
"Durham," because he is of the
"short-horn" breed.
A CERTAIN young musician is so
squeamish that he refuses to play on
anything but an upright piano.
The principal of Massachusetts Acad-
envy advertises that his school "turns
out the very best pupils" What does
he turn them out for, pray?
FEMALE Traveller ticket for
Newark, please" Clerk - "Single,
ma'am?" Female Traveller in
deed, sir I'm married woman
"WHoM do you like best, Aunt Jane
or Aunt Mary9" asked little miss.
"Oh, Aunt Mary, of course; cause she
keeps the cookies on the lower shelf"
A CANDIDATE in Missouri has gone into
bankruptcy because he gave several fell
lows tickets each "Good for one drink,
and they changed them and made them
read "Good for one drunk"
WHEN the witness was testifving, the
other day, he replied to a question, "I
think not, SIR" "T don't want to know
what you think" Numbered the lawyer.
"Well," said the witness, "I'm think
ing under oath, and that's as near as
can tell you" *
A CONTEMPORARY says: cit is all
right for church choirs to serenade
newly married people, but there are
more appropriate hymns for such occa-
sions that What Shall the Harvest Be-
Ninety and Nine wouldn't be just the
thing, either. It's too many"
WHENEVER I am low and pensive."
says Richard Grant White, I" read the
Irish papers. Here is man in Belfast
who advertises that he SIS in position
to supply soirees and teacparties in first
class style, having every appliance within
himself Can this be the same gifted
being who advertised in North of Ire
land newspaper for lodger who would
| be treated as one OF the family, 'but
would be expected to eat his own vitals p"
| A BEAUTIFUL young lady, who had al
lowed the tendrils of her heart to Irvine
fondly around a .strapping great con-
dHctor on horse-c car, had her affection
ate nature crushed by the discovery that
he was taking fare from her and dead
heading another girl who lived in the
same street. She did not eat pickles
and pine away, but wrote him an affect
ing epistle, which read: "You want to
knock down enuff stamps to buy me a
paisler shawl & doller vardin before
Sunday, or I will put an awning over
that girls Eye the next time I meet her
in society. You heer me-"
The beautiful custom of adjoining
houses with evergreens during the
Christmas holidays is ascribed to various
causes. Those who have taken the
Christian view of the matter refer TO
those expressions 80 frequently met with
in the prophetical writings, where green
boughs are spoken of as ornaments of
the sanctuary and signs of rejoicing.
Others have affirmed that the custom
had pagan origin, and refer to the
beautiful Druidical custom of hanging
up in the house boughs of green, to
which the wood spirits might resort to
shelter them from the nipping blasts of
winter.
"THE NIGHT AFTER CHRISTMAS.
Twas the night after Christmas, and all through
the house
Not creature was sleeping, excepting the mouse
The stockings were flung in haste over the chair,
For pes of st. Nicholas no longer were there.
The children were restlessly tossing in bed,
For the pie and the candy were heavy as lead,
Had just made up our minds that we would not lie
When out on the lawn there arose such clatter,
sprang from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the window went with a dash,
Flung open the shutter, and threw up the SASH ;
The moon on the breast Of the new-fallen snow
Gave luster of MONDAY to objects below.
When what to my long-anxious eyes should appear
But horse and sleigh, both old-fashioEed and
queer,
With a little, old driver, so solemn and slow,
knew at glance it must be DR.. Brough.
drew in NV head and was turning around,
when upstairs came the Doctor, with scarcely
He wore thick overcoat, made long ago,
And the beard on his chin was white with the
He smoke few words, and went straight to his
work,
he felt ali the puIses-then turned with jerk,
And LAYING his finger aside of his nose,
with nod of his head, to the chimney he goes
" spoonful of oil, ma am, if you have it handy,
No nuts and no raisinB, no pies and no candy;
These tender young stomachs cannot well digest
All the sweets that they get-toys and books are the
best.
But know my advice win not find many friends,
For the custom of Christmas the other way tends.
The fathers and mothers and Santa Claus, TOO,
Are exceedingly blind. Well, goodnight toyou!
And heard him excaim, as he drove out OF sight,
" These Hastings and candies make doctors bills
right"
Is TT possible that one will be so fool