Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-02-04
Fl UMOR r.

UMOR.
How HE GOT SQUARE MEAL.-The
other day man with gaunt look halted
before an eating stand at the Central Mar
keu, and, after long survey of the viands
he said to the woman
81 am poor man, but I'll be honest if
have to be.buried in a Pauper's Field"
aWhat's the matter now,'' asked the
woman, regarding him with suspicion.
s'No one saw me pick up a 500 bill here
by this stand early this morning, but as 1
said before, I'll be honest"
GA 500 bill-piek up!" she whispered,
bringing bland smile to her face.
& SUPPOSE he continued, ''that some
one passing along here could have dropped
such bill, but it seems more reasonable
to think that the money was lost by you"
''Don't talk quite so loud she said. as
she leaned over the stand. 'You are an
honest man, and I'll have your name put
in the papers so that all may know it. Pm
brought back that money it would have
gone hard with my poor little children"
eff I pick up money by stand, | always
give it up,'' he said, as he sat down on one
of the stools.
'sThat's right-that's honest" she whis-
pered. "Draw right up here and have
some breakfast
He needed no second. invitation. The
way he went for the cold ham, fried sau-
sage, biscuit and coffee was terrific to the
woman.
'Yes-I-um-try-to honest" he
remarked between bites.
e'That's right. If I found any money
belonging to you I'd give it up. you bet.
Have another cup of coffee ?''
eDon't-care-fdoo," he said, as he
damned more ham into his mouth.
Even courtships have an ending. The
old chap began to breathe like foundered
horse, and pretty soon after that he rose
from the table.
'sYou are good man to bring my lost
money back" said the woman, as she
brushed away the crumbs.
ooh, Pm honest he replied" "when
find any lost money, 1 always give it up"
"Well, I'll take it now, please,'' she said
as he began to button his coat.
ssTake what ?'' he asked.
''That lost money you found"
81 didn't find any! I'll be honest with
you, however, if ever do find any around
here.''
'sYou old liar! Didn't you say you
found a $40 bill here ?"
ssNo, ma'am. said that no one saw me
pick up such a bill here
''Pay me for them provisions !" she
yelled, clutching at this throat.
CPL be honest with you'll havn't a
cent" he replied, as he held her off.
She tried to tip him over into a barrel of
charcoal, but he broke loose, and before
she recovered from her amazement he was
block away, and galloping along like a
stage horse.
WHAT ALLIED THE BUTTER?-Jones
seems doomed to have trouble with his
boarding house. The other day he went
down to breakfast in a fine Gmor, and
thought he would have some fun with his
were plasterlng their hot cakes with but
ter, Jones called out from his end Of the
table to the solemn man next to the land
Iady's end of the board:
s'Mr. Rhodes, be so kind as to request
that butter to amble in this direction"
lid Had
cast threatening look at Jones, but he
acted as though he didn't see it, and soon
remarked:
eff [ furnished the help around this
house I'd hire real, genuine, live Comanche
Indians.n
s'Mr. Jones!'' exclaimed the landlady,
vehemently, "what do you mean by such
outrageous conductor
'tBeg pardon, ma 'am, but you don't com.
prehend. The Indians would be right
handy to scalp the hair off the butter be-
fore breakfast-''
Five men lodged in hurry as the pew
ter sugar-bowl went whizzing. at Jones'
head, while that individual slid under the
table.
A corpulent woman, wearing spectacles
and very serious look, was passenger
on a Woodward avenue car yesterday. AS
the car rolled along she smiled at man
sitting opposite, ant. inquired: ssCan you
ring the bell?' ''Wsth pleasure" he re-
sponded, as he rose UP and yanked the
strap. The car stopped, no one moved,
and after long look through the door,
the driver started up again. The man
looked across at the fat woman for an ex-
PLANTATION, and she said: 81 DIDN'T know
whether you could or not!'
The bill for the worsted that a Fourth
street woman used in working dog On
her husbands slippers, was brought into
him yesterday, and he remarked to her
that he wasn't going to pay any dollar and
a half for any such fixing" ''But you
said you wanted dog on them," respond
ed his wife. $50 [ did, madam, so I did.
But you might have made a darned sight
smaller dog.
Newton invited friend to dinner, and
forgot it. The friend arrived, and found
the philosopher in state of abstraction.
Dinner was brought up for one. The friend,
without disturbing Newton, sat down and
dispatched it. Newton recovered from his
reverie, looked at the empty dishes, and
said: ''Well, really, if it was not for the
proof before my eyes, could have sworn
that had not yet dined."
"Who's Herbert Spencer, Pop?" asked
an inquiring boy of bis father the other
morning. "He is famous English phi
losopher, my son." "And what's philo-
sopher?" continued the lad, with the bu-
cinncc ai1. of q 1unn could 11aan ri nllt