Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-12-29
f. u N :.

The other morning, says the Cincinnati
s'Times," a gentleman entered a shop on
Fifth street, and asked the clerk:
"What is the price of knit undershirts
with breast pockets?" He added:
81 travel a good deal and carry large
amounts of money, and I think that idea
of pockets an excellent one, and I am sur
prised that some one has not thought of it
before"
Greatly, sir" replied the clerk. "Ithink
myself it would be a good plan, but 1 am
sorry to say we have none. and 1 didn't
know there were any made"
"You did not?" said the customer.
swell, that's singular. They are exhib-
tied in your window, and caught my eye
as I was passing"
'You must be mistaken" said the clerk,
I know every article in the store"
"But 1 am not, persisted the gentleman.
ssStep around and see for yourself"
The wondering shopmap did as request
ed. He stepped briskly to the window,
looked in, and then at the gentleman, then
coughed, and acted as though he had just
felt a sudden pain in the stomach, and then
rammed a handkerchief into his mouth and
stepped back behind the counter.
"Well," exclaimed the customer trium-
phantly, faint they there?"
"Ye-yes," said the clerk, appearing as
though he had a fsh-bone in his throat
'They are there, sure enough. But, sir,
those understands are not for men, and
those pockets are''-and at this point he
Owed under the counter and disappeared,
while a young lady clerk standing near
smothered a convulsive giggle in a cambria
handkerchief, and started off with a very
red face on important business to the rear
part of the store.
APRACTICAL WITNESS In court there
was a charge Of assault against an old Of
fender, end Mr.. Dickinson, the attorney;
examined the witness as follows:
"How hard did he shake the man when
he grabbed him?"
81 don't know. Pretty hard"
"How hard was that?"
swell, it was pretty hard-that is about
all l can say"
"Come, now you surely have sense
enough to let the court know what you cali
pretty hard"
81 will try to show the court. 1t was
something like this"
Here the witness rose from his seat, and
s%pringing upon the astonished attorney,
grabbed him by the collar, and with d
strong impulsive jerk landed him on the
floor. Then he gathered him up and flop,
ped him across a chair, then lie began to
bang him over the floor, jam him up
against the wall, and batter him around
over the benches.
"Hold on-I understand !" shouted the
breathless lawyer.
'This is how he fetched him." retorted
the witness, almost lifting him out Of his
clothes.
wont the court rule out his answer ?"
said Mr.. Dickinson, catching his breath.
eff you wish to Withdraw the question,
all right , said the judge, taking the wit
ness off, 81 can rule that the jury ignore
the answer"
By this time the spectators were in a
CONFUSION of laughter, and the attorney
retired to brush his clothes.
The case was dismissed.
Old Join Berry that used to lived up
Lake Champlain liked to tell a big story.
One evening sitting in the village store he
said he once drove a horse seventy-two
miles in one day on the ice, when the ice
was so thin that the water spirited up
through the holOS cut through it by the
horses cOrks. One of the by-standers re-
marked that seventy-two miles was a pref.
ty good drive for one day. eyes," said
Uncle John, "but it was a long day in
june"
They were a gushing young couple, and
they were doing the Chinese depart
ment in the Exposition. She was gazing
%curiously at the Acknowledged natives, and
he was admiring the wonderful exhibits
"Do you know" asked he, s'that the
Chinese are over six thousand yeare old ?'
"Why, no /" returned she, with astonish-
ment. "They don't look to be over thirty,
do they 2"
Mrs. Dipper Ito Jonesy, who is deeply in
arrears for board) "Mr. Jonesy, won't
you step iuto the parlor for a moment ? /
wish to speak with you" Jonesy "Really,
Mrs, Dipper, I should like to accommodate
you but what will the boarders say at
seeing us alone? Think of the scandals
going through the papers, madam. Oh !!
no. excuse me-"
1t is considered a pretty well settled
fact that death has no terrors for the man
who marries a woman after thirty years
courtship of her.
Labor is the law of the world, and he
who lives by other means is Of less value
to the world than the buzzing busy insect.
q woman, tell her that a caterpillar is
crawling on the back of her dress.
A Green Bay girl shook an old horse
pistol at her father until he came down
with $50 for a new fur cloak.
What risk do people run who sit in free
pews in church? Of being good for nothr
ing.
1t is a good thing to be above board, but
generally a bad thing to be overheard.
Jones says that why he isn't married is
because that when he wooed she wouldn't
Stanley says that African mosquitoes are
as big as a Kentuck chew Of tobacco.
A philosopher describes a bald man as
one who COMES his head with a towel.