Sunbury American. [volume] (Sunbury, Pa.) 1848-1879, 1876-02-04

Billy, how did you lose yeur finger
Easy enough sai6 Billy. /
4 suppose you did-but how ? !
Il guess you'd lest youren if 1T had been |
Sherc mine was
That don't answer my question
We'll, if YOU must know said Billy, i
hsd 10 cut j, Of, OF else steal the trap
An oil dealer sold some wister oil that
vas warranted to stand the seyerest cold.
shortly aitewsid it froze stiff. The pur-
chaser wen. 10 tbe vendor with loud COM
plants.
4 told YOU il would stand the eoldest
weather, said he didn't tell you II would
run. You see It stands perfectly still, and
sou can't make it bulge
'Beniamine,' shouted Mrs. Toodles to
her husband, who was going out OF the
gate, bring ne up FIVE cents worth OF snuii
when you come, Snuff? Mrs. TOodes
snutf?' he calculated, as be paused with
his hand on the latch no, no, Mrs. TODD
les. the times are too hard TO admit Of such
extravagancs you mus. tickle your nose
with a straw when you want to speeze.'
A Scotch gentleman OF fortune, on his
death bed, asked the minister whether, II
he left ten thousand pounds 10 the kirk,
Ills salvation would be certain The eau
tious minister responded L would ma like
20 be positive. but it's neel worth the Try
ing The gentleman paid the money, and
soon afterwards gave up the ghost.
A delinquent arrest for drunkenness was
asked in the police court what he had done
with his money. Invested it in lots, was
the reply. What lots y was the next
question. Lots of whiskey,' he replied
with serious face. There was laugh.
and the Justice told him to go and come no
esore RochCster Democrat.
How had you the audacity, John SAID
Scottish laird 10 his servant, to go and tell
some people that / was a mean fellow, and
no gentleman p Ma, ma, sir was the
candid answer, you'll no catch me at the
like o. that. I aye keep my thoughts to
myself"
'Mrs. Sage, would like 20 know whose
ferryboats these are that tumble
over in the hall p 'Ferryboats, indeed,
sir. Those are my shoes! Very polite of
you 10 call 'em ferryboats = Didn't say
fsrryboats, Mrs Sage. You misunderstood
me. Fairy boots said, my dear friend
How did you like my sermon 2 said a
vain clergyman to distinguished chance
listener. 'Ah, sir, there was one beautiful
passage' Yes. yes,' said the dominic
delighted, rubbing his hands; and what
was that The passage from the pulpit
90 The vessry.'
A darkey who vas STOPPING TO wash his
hands in 6 shed didn't notice the peculiar
actions ofa goat just behind him. So when
be scrambled out OF the water and was ask
ed how il happened. he answered: 1 dun
40 'zac:ly. Bet 'peared as cf de shore
kinder his,ea and frowned me-
Philosophers say that shutting the eyes
makes the sense OF hearing more q cute. A
usg suggests that this accounts .or the
many closed eyes that are seen in our
churches every Sunday.
KANSAS TEACHER.--'Where dose all Of
eur grain product 60 to p Boy-'t goes
into the hopper Hopper! what hop
per?' 'Grasshopper triumphsntly shouted
The boy.
OLE BULL was once seeing the sights at
Donnybrook Fair, when be was attracted
by the sound Of very loud violin in tent.
IIe entered and said TO the player: MY
good friend, do you play by note p The
divil a note. SIR DO you play by car,
then p Never an ear. you honor How
DO you play then p BY main strength, be
iabers =
GERMAN EXcHAEGE.-Coming across
she Channel the other night, said a trav-
e,er, Il got chatting with a German, and
asked him what he was doing. 'Vell,' he
replied. 'shoost nov am doing nodings,
but have made arrangements 20 60 into
pixness.' 'Wha. are you going into 2
Well, goe, into partnership nit man..
DO you put iu much capital p No; I
doesn't put in no gabital.' Don't want TO
risk it, sh p No; but puts in de expert
cnce.' And he puts in the capital p
'Yes, dat is it. We goes into pizness for
dree year, he puts ia de sabital, / put in de
experience. At the end Of de dree year l
viii have de gabtal, and he viii have de ex-
perience :
How TO PURCHASE TENDER GEEsE.--
A good many stories Of stammerers are
told, bat none of recent date better than
the following Of Platt Evans, Cincinnati.
lt was one Of his pleasures to teach his
friends how tn purchase tender geese.
,hough be could not always get them in the
market. One morning he saw 3 lot, and
iuaured how mary their were. About a
Dozen was the reply. 'W-wwell,' said
Pint. L k-k.keep q b-boardiug-house, and
say b-b-boarders are the biggest e-eaters
YOU ever s-s-sau. P-p-pick out n-nine OF
the ,-toughest you've gg-got' The farm
er complied. and laid aside the other three
tender ones. Piait picked them up care
l. AauH uHnf aond