The sun. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1833-1916, 1876-11-11
GOING NOME B4DLY MIXED.
The Farewell Letter OF IA Pcrpiexed aud Uu-
happy CcnIenninl Nisiior.

Mr.. SUN: packed my carpet bag this
morning intending to go home as soon as saw
in the morning newspapers the result Of tho
election. But, sir, what was my utter astonish-
ment at finding after | had read them an, that
both rilden aud Hayes were sttil elected
Last night went to Mr. Everetts hotel. be-
came entanged in crowd which carried me
into the barroom. There they smiled. Why be-
cause Tilden WIS elected. | smiled. smiled
several times and became marvcllousy happy.
Some OF NV friends, too, were much elAted.
Toward midnight a Republican friend, whom
had not seen for years. came in. We smiled.
Why, he because the hrst words he uttered
were, " bet YOU one thousand dollars To eight
hundred that Hayes is elected. have lust
come from the Bldd,ier ohce and they hnv. got
the official returns complete" Say, l. Let's
g. To- tue Bladder otico | don't want TO bet
now We started down town, and NV The
tags floating from the Newspaper Offices, W. saw
their bulletins. their dispatches, their special
despatches,t official dispatches, their private
dispatches, their extras sevcrally announcing
the election Of both MIR. rilden and Mr. Hayes.
We smiled, and smiled, ana smiled again, and
had become so confused with the cOnfounded
election returns. that did not know whether
stood on my head or my heels or whether mad
bet on rilden or Hayes. ! looked w At the
Dutch church steepo, next to The Sun .build-
Ing TO see what time 1t was. What was my
astonlshment To learn that II was o'clock in
the morning. vet II was not daylight, Not salts
fed, looked at another face OF that clock ana
found II 10 be only half-plst one. The CITY VI al
clock confirmed IL. asked my friend whether
he noticed any evidences of inebTity about me,
because that clock business stuuped mo more
than the election returns. He replied, You
are perfectly straight but you make this mis-
take, that Ia not a Dutch church set up on
end, that Is the famous Tail lower, wherein the
Young Editor II the Powerful Mind tells school
girls how 10 BEHAVE themselves. aud receives his
orders and salary from the Ghoul OF " all street.
Toe clocks eccantricity Is explained by the fact
that during the past three days there have been
consumed IN the basement OF that building
l42A barrels Of whiskey, 0DO kegs OF lager Q ses
OF Hockheimer, ~ bottles OF Cognac, aud glass
Of lemonade. and the fnmos Of this enormous
quality of fluids have risen to the head vi the
fall Tower, affecting II as YOU see."
Now, MI sun, won't wait any longer I want
TO 40 home. my mind Is dazed, my neck Is
chronically cramped and crooked from my con
tinued study Of bulletin boards; my digestion
Ia inpared, my hAnis are nervous from too
great efofts In the whiskey line my pocket
book Is collapsed. aud am totally demon tllzed
mentally. physically, alphabetically. all owing to
the mixed election returns, drunken Dutch
clocks, and New YORK whiskey
C. A. Il. PRTBAGGER.
l.. Sill ever put my foot on New lnrk's
pavements again pray that II will not he IN tho
next centennial year, especially il President il
" 10 elected then. Au rtuOU. c. A. p.