Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1876-03-02
HOW JONES SHAVED HIMSELF.

In view of the hard times, Jones deter
mined to shave himself. His income had
been reduced, and he had got tired Of
waiting for his turn, of being pcstcred to
purchase toiletaarticles, If the persistent
and unne :essary brushing Of the BARRIERS
boy, and the steady evaporation of his
small change. So Jones invested in the
necessary apparatus, and upon bringing
them home triumphantly remarked to
Mrs. Jones that he was glad to have the
opportunity of setting the example Of
economy. On Sunday morning Jones
commenced Operations, and it was not
long before he had ! large part Of the
household were enlisted in his service.
Mrs. Jones must find him cup of soap.
Miss Jones must hunt up some shaving
paper, Master Jones must hunt up hook
for his strop, and the servant some sweet
oil for the same. OF course Jones had
new razor and new razors proverbia'ly
need to be sharpenca, and Jones UNDER
took to sharpen it. First he tried the OIL
stone, and rubbed away until he had used
up largo part Of the blade and left a
feather edge as rough as the burr on a
file. Then came the stropping process.
and Jones rubbed alternately on No. l,
2, 3 and 4, at tho end Of which time the
blade seemed to be about where he started,
and mentally wondered how the barber
managed to do it so quickly. lie had
seen them slash away with razor and
bring it to keen edge in 4 few vigorous
strokes. Eo had vainly cndeavored to
do the thing by precision and delibera.
ton. But it was no 60. All sorts Of rea-
sons occurred to him. Perhaps he had
bad razor; perhaps the strop was bad {;
perhaps he had too much oil on or not
cnough--in short all sorts Of reasons but
the right one, which was that Jones knew
no moro about sharpening razor than .
cat. But Mrs. Jones was looking on and
Jones did not dare admit that he couldn't
do it. So he finally said, "There!" with
a triumphant air, as if he had finally got
it al right. Jones said ''there' and
squared himself for action. His beard was
stiff and stubborn. and if the razor had
been at all sharp he could have cut it
easily. But the razor wasn't sharp and
slid over she stubble like a sled over the
snow. Mrs. Jones Uttered, ard Jones re-.
solved 20 brave it out. So he seized the
strop and made desperate lunge-as the
barbess do-intending to put an edge on
it at one fell swoop, but his first stroke
cut the leather fearful cash, the second
slashed the strop in two, and the third
closed the razor over his hand, exposing
an amount of red meat that made Mrs
Jones scream. ''Oh that's nothing" SAID
Jones ''cnly Scratch" and he tied his
hand up with towel. "Just little slip
my dear ;and Jones again seized the razor,
lathered his eyes, cars and nose full of
soap, and started to NOW down his crop.
This time he managed to cut off little
hair, but it came har.l. and brought tears
to his eyes. 1t was like tearing the hair
up by The roots. But Jones, nothing
daunted, kept on bravely. He took it at
different angles; he supplied frequent
lather. He scraped and scraped, until
the cuticule had been excoriatcd to the
consistency Of raw beefsteak. "There,
my DEAR he said to Mrs. J. feel no..
smooth that u.s." and he tried to deludc
Mrs. J. into rubbing the right way. But
Mrs. j., with glaring and reckless obstin.
ICY, persisted in rubbing the wrong way,
and said she didn't think il was very
smooth. Then Jones grew desperate, but
said that perhaps there were . few hairs
not quite as short as they should be. So
he went at it again. This time he was
savage, and in short time he made his
face look as if some young doctors had
been trying to dissect him. The point o
the razor caught in his nose, the
heel in his car, and the center laid
open his cheek with CHASTITY seam that
brought his shaving to an untimelv end
Jones has never shaved since. But all
the materials have been utilized. The
soap for washing, the cup for the baby,
the strop to thrash the boy with, and the
razors have been a perpetual eight
whenever Mrs. Jones wants to cut her
corns.