The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1876-02-05
The Exchange Fiend.

Inc BogarduS Kicker, months ago, proved
itself failure. The Bogardus Kicker is
device intendeded to prevent the invasion of
the exchange room in a newspaper Office by
the class OF people who come in to find par
ticular journal for their own amusement, and
who are constant pest and annoyance to a
news editor, whose papers they disarrange
and whose labor they interrupt. The machine
has for its principal feature an iron foot,
which darts out with great force from the
bottom of chair in which the exchange
fiend attempts to sit down. The infringe
ment in such an event has sometimes pro-
duced results most satisfactory-to the news
editor. For a time after the introduction of
this remarkable invention news editors in ev-
cry quarter of the Union rested content and
peaceful, believing that the day of their dis
enthralment had at last arrived, and that
the exchange fiend, that bane of the jour
nalist, would soon become an unpleasant
memory of the past. In every office where
the expense could be incurred without pecun-
larry embarrassment, a Kicker was ordered
and the patronymic of Bogardus was looked
upon as one of the few of the immortal
names that were not born to die. Fora sea-
son all went we'll, and the Kicker hurled the
writhing depredators forth from desecrated
sanctums with contorted faces and dislocated
vertebr@. A few fell victims to the violent
SIOWo VI tAC NooI uO1 tOOt, uCNCI lCCOtCIluS
from the shock, but, unfortunately, only
few; and, such Is the persistence of the aver
age exchange fiend that, in course of time
those not actually killed, in every case re-
turned, becoming eventually so thoroughly
hardened that the Kicker produced upon
them no perceptble effect. 1t is now gener-
ally conceded among journalists of experience
that only absolute death will check the raids
of the ruthless individual who seeks the local
paper Of his native hamlet among the files of
a newspaper Office, and the Bogardus Kicker
has therefore been discarded as no longer of
any practical utility. Hundreds of Kickers
nearly every city in the country.
Naturally, endeavors have been made 20
supply the place of the Kicker by something
better adapted to the purpose. An enter
prising Cincinnati news editor attempted this,
not long ago, by the invention of machine
controlled by steam and utilizing the we'll
known device of the piston. By the unseen
pressure OF spring near the hand of the
news editor, steam was suddenly let on, and
barbed spear was made to dart out from the
exchange table, striking the intruding fiend
held by the spear. and steel hand protrud-
ing from the wall held up copy of the Phil
adelphia Enquirer before his face, which he
was compelled to read. But even this failed
to kill him. He had stomach for the spear
and the Inquirer. both, and when released
generally departed in his usual spirits. It is
not all remarkable that, upon the failure of
this promising invention, news editors we're
driven to the verge of frenzy.
But relief was coming from an unexpected
source. The mind of man, though it may
rise superior to every difficulty, and human
mind, goaded on the desire for the relief from
an intolerable burden, worked out the prob
lem of the news editors.
1t is unnecessary to state that what is
about to be related refers to actual occuren-
ces. As it is unnecessary, then, the state
ment will not be made.
Since the failure of the Bogardus Kicker to
carry out its mission, no man has been more
thoroughly miserable than certain st. Louis
news editor. The exchange f1ends, checked
for brief period, seemedtl later by added OBJ.
tuseness and impertinence to revenge them
selves for the slight bar to their misdoings,
and came down like the proverbial wolf on
the fold, though hungrier and fiercer. Among
all these there was not one whose entrance
so cast blight upon the soul of the news
editor as the daily appearance of a certain
man from Vicksburg, tall, burly, ferocious
fellow, who came in demanding Vicksburg
papers or any other papers in the state of
Mississippi, with manner exquisitely eXas-
perating. He was more than obtuse to all
hints, he was almost insolent, becoming
bette noir, a plague by day, a haunting pres
ence in dreams at night, and in the heart of
the news editor there grew up an awful and
deadly hatred. To rid himself of this man be-
came the one object of the journalists life,
the single purpose 10 which all his mental en-
ergies were directed.
One day when the man from Vicksburg
had been, if possible, more than usually OBJ
trusive, when he had mussed up all the pa
pers in the room and gone away swearing
because the Vicksburg mail WASH t in, the
news editor sat back in his chair and wished
than he were dead and in the cold ground.
Then he racked his brain for remedy to his
misfortunes. All at once something like an
inspiration came upon him. He acted upon
the idea at once. He had received a few
days previous letter from scientific friend,
a naturalist travelling in Florida, who an
nounced to him the capture, with great risk
OF life to several men, of an immense speci-
men of the genus Sepia. To his friend the
news editor now telegraphed:
"Send me the tank with devil fish. Char
ges G, o. d. 1 must have it. JC."
The answer come back promptly:
"Will ship it tonight"
Three days later huge covered tank, ten
feet long, four feet deep, and five broad ar
rived containing the devil.fish. The tank
was coveredI The news editor secured the
services OF number of workmen bound to
secrecy, and had the tank containing the
monster transported at night to the office of
the paper, and with incredible labor, raised to
his room. A strong table frame was OBJ
tanned, somewhat larger than the tank, and
into this the tank was put down in such a
manner that the top of the tank was exactly
on level with the top of the table when the
tank was uncovered. The table was then
left to be used for exchanges.
The next day, just before the hour at
which the Vlcksburg man was accustomed to
make his raid, the news editor removed his
papers from the table, and taking out the
screws from the cover by sudden movement
pulled it off. The sight revealed was one to
startle. There lay the devil-fish close to the
surface, an embodied horror. Two fierce,
cruel eyes stared upward, and shapeless arms
were gathered together ready for sudden
spring. There was death in the tank and
the news editor recognized that fact with di-
abolical glee. Cautiously he stopped and
laid one or two wires across the tank. On
these wires, by means of long rod, he laid
two or three widely opened newspapers, and
upon these he placed the usual exchanges.
Then he waited,
Half an hour later the exchange fend en-
tered. He glanced around, turned over
newspaper, then walked boldly up to the ex-
change table.
The news editor waited.
The man from Vicksburg picked up one pa
per and glanced over it; then be threw it
down and picked up another. This exposed
little OF the water. Then the man reached
down his hand to remove still another paper
which lay beneath.
A Shiny, quivering, but powerful mass
darted out and seized him by the wrst!
The man uttered shrek of agony and
endeavored to tear himself away. Then en-
sued desperate struggle. From the tank
shot out another and another arm and the
clinging suckers at the extremities lifted up
the flesh where they struck. The two fierce
eyes in the tank were raised and glared bane-
fully. Irresistibly and swiftly the man was
drawn toward the water. He chung convul-
sively to the sides of tank, but his muscles
could not stand the strain. He yielded: he
was suddenly enveloped: there was smoth-
cred cry, and man and monster sank TO the
potion OF the tank. The man from Vicks-
burg was dead!
Inc trembling but triumphant news editor
CAUTIOUSLY replaced the cover of the tank,
placed Inc exchanges upon it again and re-
Two weeks later, when the cover was re-
moved. the devil-fish cact ort - 1t IL.