The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1876-09-02
VARIETY.

bAAxE1
Nor FAMILIAR ExouoH.-ss Can you change
this William Cor me % said a young man who
presented $50 bill at the counter of the
Gloucester, Mass, National Bank recently.
'FYes," said the cashier, '' but why do you call
it William ?'' " Oh, I'm not familiar enough
with this kind os thing to call it Bill, - was
the quick reply.
NJ. ID. Conway tells slightly tough story of
Dean Stanley, to the effect that once on the
way to Westminster Abbey to preach, he put
his gloves into his hat. After the service he
said to his wife, ' Somehow the congregation
seemed to gaze upon me to-day with peculiar
interest while I was preaching 81 do not
wonder,'' replied Lady Stanley, 90 for during
your entire sermon your gloves rested on the top
of your head.
The CHURCH MILITANT.-A Methodist parson
called to preach in an out-ofthe-way town in
California, was informed, before entering the
pulpit, that he must be careful, as many of the
assembled congregation were " roughs,' and
woald not hesitate 20 disturb him if his remarks
didn't suit. The holy made no reply, but,
having reached the desk, he took from his
pockets two revolvers, and, placing one on each
side of the Bible, gave sharp glance round the
house, and said, &C Let us pray" Report says
that a more orderly service was never conducted.
Two HEARTS THAT BEAT AS ONE-Love scene
on the banks of the Chattahoochee They were
sitting together like two ebony images, he
staring vacuity out of countenance and she
resting her raven crimps on his heavng shoulder.
" Miles away from hyar," she fondly murmured
ss where de buffomlo rips and ta'rs and frows
dirt at the. settin' sun-dar's whar We'll go,
Gawge." Gawge's lips moved not, neither did
he utter any word, but the whites of his eyes
repeated, "Dar's whar we'll go.n
CABBAGE TO THE END.-The following is one of
the many anecdotes Of the late Madame George
Sand from the Paris press A visitor, one Mr..
Raj aEOr had n wee ak her houee md
durl2c = stay had insisted on having cabbage
cooked in nearly every dish placed on the table.
Being abont to leave he begged that he should
not be suffered to depart without souvenir of
the visit. Madame Sand looked at him with
surprise; then, inspired with a wicked idea,
called the gardener, '' Baptiste "a The gardener
hastened to her. 's With pleasure, y she said to
Dir. Bakor; then added to the gardener,
s' Baptiste, one of your finest eabbages for this
gentleman. ~ I Hl4 k
FIXED UP.-A wild-lookng old man with a
confused nose and an ugly looking scratch down
his left cheek, went into drug store on Main
street lately and said to the clerk g am goin'
ter git sot up ter day, cuss me if 1 don't.
Gimme somethin' that II make me ugly as Satan
-whiskey, kerosene, anything, SOS can git up
courage enough to perfect myself from my wife.
Great Scott I'd like ter chaw giant powder,
rend-rock powder, dynamite, or sutbin'. I'd
like ter be as strong as a steam ingine, and I'd
make things different in my house She's wus'n
take your oath that you'll never tell if give
you something strong enough to rend the RAM
parts of the world ?'a The old man bowed his
head and solemnly made the PROMISE The
clerk then gave him glass Of plain soda, and
the man went out to ehaw up things.
CHANGED HIS MIND.-He laid four dimes and
a quart bottle on the counter and Informed the
bar-keeper that he wanted a bottle of fne |
whisky. " None of yer dog-goned rotgut for |
me-" he said, ''I want the jinnywine article, |
It, 1f A
inter this noble breast; suthin' what's got age
to it" But when the bar-keeper told him that
whisky of that quality was worth g bottle, |
he said he wasn't bit particular; that he didn't
90 much on style nohow, and that he would go |
to n house where the bar-keeper didn't wear
diamonds and mistake every customer for the |
owner of the Manhattan mill 50 When it comes |
fight down to it, he said, '' there amt much
difference in whisky some's little better than |
the other, but it's all good, and it's only a /
question of time and matter of taste at best. y
Over at Virginia City the extreme heat is pro-
ducing strange effects, as is shown by an incident
narrated in the Chronicle of that lively camp: |
n Sun-stroke? ?" replied the Judge inquisitively. |
Yes, sir, the regular New York variety |
reioined the man, with desperate politeness. |
& You've been struck good deal in your time, |
Isbelieye2,', g Yes,g but this last was most |
through the streets offering to fight the town."
3 Always, sir; that's the effect precisely
Is And makes you throw bricks at people?''
Z That's it. Judge. l see you understand the |
symptoms and agree with the best recognized
authorities, who hold that it inhames the organs
of combatiFeness and destructiYeness. When
man of nv temperament once gets good square |
sun-stroke he's liable to do almost any thing
81 Yes, you are quite right-liable TO go to Jail |
for fifteen days; you II go down with the police
man at once,' and the poor unfortunate victim !
of heat was led INCREASINGLY away.
A TOUCHING TALE.-He was q seedy-looking
individual, - and as he stood upon the corner
gazing wistfnlly at the Disappearing form of
news boy who had just picked up good sized
stump and was making off with the prize, there
was a vague aspect OF despair in his attitude
which was very touching. Perhaps 1t vas this
which attracted the attention of q mild-looking !
party who was passing by, and perhaps it was
something else; but however this may be, the
uild-looking party stopped, and gazing at the I
solitary figure, addressed it thus
"Oid man, wouldn't you like to have drink
this morning ?''
You'y read me as accurately as though my
thoughts were printed on an open page" replied /
the Solitary, taking his quid from his mouth !
and passing dilapidated coat sleeve over his /
q thought 50, nlurmured the miid-looking
marty, while tear trickled down his cheek; |
4 but conquer the desire. Fight it as you |
would legion of devils, for drink has ruined |
many a man who had a more expansive forehead |