The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1876-04-22
VARIETY.

- All, Quiils, old fellow, saw good thing in
your paper yesterday" Quilts" Indeed? Am
glad you were pleased. What was it?'' % A
pound Of cheese
Blufhn, who has heretofore been Uniyersalist
now believes there two things destined to be
eternally lOst-his umbrella and the man who
stole it.
NOTHING LIKE IT.-Don't marry till you can
support husband. That is the advice the Barn
stable Patriot gives the Cape girls. There is no
thing like steady diet of fish.
prominent clergyman says that all the editors
are liars The necessary corolary is that great
many clergymen must have been editors before
they were clergymen.
The attempt to feed Robert Toombs mint iulep
with spoon was 4 failure. Gimme that bowl
a minute,' whispered Uncle Bob, and the next
second he saw the knot-hole in the bottom of it.
HONEST ENouGH-Josh Billings writes that
" Philosophers aul agree that the milk is put
into the kOkeTnut, and the hole is neatly plugged
up; but who the feller is who duz it, the phIloso-
piers are honest enough, for wonder, to admit
they can't tell u.s.
KEEPING a SECRET My dear Murphy said
an lrishman to friend, 'whY did you betray
that secret told ySu p 50 Is it betray that YOU
call it )? Sure, when found wasn't able to keep
it myself, didn't | do we'll to tell it to some one
that could keep it?
Georgia editor speaks of . the shirt of Mes
tor, il his memory serves him right" His mem
Cry does serve him right ; and he might have ad-
ded that Adam killed Nestor with q rolling pin
for asserting that Venus had wart under her
left arm.
MUsT BE.-Six skunks got into Pennsylvania
camp-meeting last week, and after standing it as
long as he could, one of the brethren rose and
said '' If you all say so, beloved, and think
you WILL We'll get out of this. The arch enemy
of mankind must be stirring up his fires, for L
am sure | smell the gas
The Rochester Union Rep. Estates that a CO.
ored witness in the Johnstown murder trial said
ne Democrat, and explained thus {" sign
ed de pledge tree var ago." he said, {" haved
myself an voted de publikin ticket. But Use n
Democrat nov; ; tux to drinkin,' boss, ain got
into bad kumPa ny"
Barnum's Great Centennial Academy of OBJ
ject Teaching Is what it will be called this year
The Bridgeport Standard says: s' He promises a
regular old fashioned Hail Columbia Yankee Doo-
die Fourth of July celebration every day, and he |
expects to be crowned with the title, Centennial
Barnum.
TWENTY YEARS HENCE All Sin, - in Chinese, |
means Mr.. Victory. Twenty years hence some |
Yankee, cooling himself on the utmost peak of |
thy victory 80 and two million bald-headed Asia
tics will patiently rise and say" We are klumn,'
Faller Alaham, thlee humble housen mlore.'
WAITING FOR THE VERDICT The German
NURSE Is it a German English papy?''
The mamma Well, l don't know. You see
she was born in England, but my husband is
German The German nurse-''Ach, soh Den
We will vait to vat lenkyitch she will schbeak,
and zen We will knowl''
INuEDIATELY.-BrOwn, the mind-reader, told
Louisville reporter in recent interview that he
believed he could determine to a certainty wheth-
er Henry W. Beecber was guilty or innocent
And the Plymouth Church Committee Immediate
ly teIegraphed him, asking him what he would
take to leave the country and travel in Africa for
the next ten years
AFTER MARRIAGE.-He used to cramp his feet
little boots, and limp painfully to her residence
every Saturday evening, but the morning alter
his marriage he went into 4 shoe-shop, drew
chalk mark around his foot, and about an inch
distant from it on both sides, and at the heel and
toe, and ordered the proprietor to put him up a
pair of boots after that pattern.
AILrrERArIvE-A middle-aged compositor in
the Gazette Office, Trenton, y, j., named Peter
p. Packer. also served an apprenticeship at sthe
printing business at Princeton, and the folio %ng
Is an ALTERATION composed by himself: ter
Preston Packer, practical printer. preyiouslyxig-
peu PAINTER poor, proud, particular peri <n;
present publisher (part proprietor) PrincFon
Penny Post. Il
| married a widow who had grown up 8p-
daughter My father visited my house very O.en,
fell in love with my step-daughter, and maffied
her. So my father became my son-in-law, and
my step-daughter my mother, because she was
nv fathers wife. Some time after my wife had
4 SON. He was my fathers brother-in-law, and
nav uncle for he was the brother of my step
daughter My fathers wife-i e., my step
iaug ghter, also had son {; he was, of course, my
brother, and in the meantime my grandchIld, for
he was the son of my daughter. My wife was
nv grandmother, because she my mothers
mother 1 was my wifes husband and grand
child at the same time. and as the husband of a
PERSONS grandmother is his grandfather, l was
my own grandfather.
NEw PROVERBS:
Strike with the iron pot.
Brag 'tis makes perfect
To each saint his scandal.
Anything for quiet wife.
While we live let us give.
'Tis good to be wary and wise.
One swallow doesn't make n hummer
A eontented mind is continual beast.
1t is an i'll wind that blows two in bush.
The devil is not white he is painted
A whistling boy is father to n growing man.
Always laugh at your own jokes ; ii you want
ANYTHING well done do it yourself.
A cursing goose never rolls to the mill tor moss
for the gander and yet 1t is true that bird in