Spirit of Jefferson. [volume] (Charles Town, Va. [W. Va.]) 1844-1948, 1876-12-26
MIScEIIANEOUS.
WHY LIFE WAS A BURDEN.

Some time ago Cooley caught young
man who was just about to jump from tho
wharf into the river. As he seized him he
saw that it was Jim Kelley, and he said:
why, Jim, what are you trying TO dor"
'fI reckon it's for the best" said Jim.-
''Perhaps I'd better not do it, after ALL
Why, was going to commit suicide"
Suicide ]" exclaimed Cooley, .why what
on earth's the matter with you! Are you
crazy. or drunk, or poor :"
.'No."
"In love. may bo. aud disappOinsed3"
well, what's troubling your"
IS Well, I'll tell you," said Mr.. Kelley.
I" It don't seem so much now, but IL bother
cd me awful awhile ago. Why, you SEQ,
was sitting in my room mp in the boarding.
house there, and got to thinking. thought
what if was TO fall in love some time with
red-haired girl, aud I was to marry her, aud
what If she should give birth to twins with
the same kind of hair. And s'poso those
twins should grow mp, ono named Isaac and
the other Jacob, and s'pOse Jacob should
want to so to sea for sailor, and We let him
go, aud he should get wrecked on the Canni-
bal Islands, aud the eanuibals should take
fancy to him and adopt him as an idol, and
while he should kinder get into their wsys of
living himself. And s'pose Isaac he should
marry and raise family of children, and ono
of his boys should be cast ashore on the
island where his Uncle Jacob was acting as
idol, and those Cannibals should kill him, and
cook him, aud offer some of him to Jacob,
and Jacob should eat him aud want more.
And then s'pose tho government should rout
out those savages aud send Jacob homo, and
he should have acquired suCh n taste for
Isaac's children that he would got to nibbling
ut tho rest of them, and Isaac should kctch
him at it, and suspect him and accuse him !;
and Jacob should then kill that other reds
headed twin aud eat him, and then cat oil tho
children, aud finally eat tho mother and mo
and then start out to swallow his aunts and
uncles aud other relations, until ho cloAncd
up the family 1t was so awful that couldn't
bear to think of it, aud so Thought would
block that heathon's little gamO by drowning
myself before the thing won't any further"
" But why didn't you block IL by resolV>
ing to marry some other woman 7" asked
Cooley. "You needn't marry q rod>haired
woman unless you want TO-"
HThat's So" replicd Mr.. Kelly. reflective.
". - never thought of that. But s'poso
was to marry another woman, how do 1
know she wouldn't have n son who would
grow up aud become priEe.fightcr, aud
would get up fights for the championship, aud,
of course, I'D have to bot all my money ON
my boy, aud he'd be licked and I'd lose aud
be brought down to poverty in my old age,
while he'd be SO grieved that he'd maf6sr
somebody 20 get the money back for mo sgain,
and I'd happen to be elected sheriff just boz
fore he was tried and convicted, and it'd boz
come my duty to hang him Hang my oxa
ctiId Think of that, will you2 don't
think could stand it. believe Til commit
suicide if you let me alone"
Then Cooley led him away, aud recom-
mended him to remain single and to let his
fancy have play in writing stories for tho pa-
pers. But Kelley seemed bont on courting
an awful doom, aud he proposed on the fol-
lowing Monday to ButterwiCk's Oldest daugh.
ter, although sho has rcd hair. She refused
him, and he told Cooley the next day that he
was cleared up on tho Isaac and Jacob busi>
ness anyhow, and he Thought maybe no
might stave of the other calamity by keeping
out of politics and deciding never to run for
sheritf.-Nar Adcler.