, 1876-07-30
HUh10R.



4 landbi1l, your account for gloves.
Soux-iug machine, the scalping- -kuifc.
An Irish,nan complained to his physician that
he stuffed him much with drugs that he was
sick long time after he got well.
Alr. Evarts spoke in his Grafton OF sour debts
to the men Of 1776." Ahi would that all our
debts were to the men OF lilo.
You cannot convince dog with string of
frc-crackcrs attached to his narrative that the
American republic is a complete success.
The only father that is exempt from taking
care Of his baby daughter is the locomotive Gu
gineer. He cannot leave his engine and tender.
The Prince Of Wales brought back a native
waiter with him from 1ndia. and London pro-
nounces the fellow an Hindoo-by-table sue
teas.
II any one should ask you the difference be-
tween driving park and the natives Of Fiji, ail-
swer that one is race course and the other
coarse race.
for pin, and, not being able to find one, drops
into chair with disgust, and is Immediately re-
Wardcd for the search.
What is the difference between an old ex-
officer Of the Government and the present Gov
ernor-Gencral Of Canadas One is q dulfer out,
and the other 4 Duffcrin.
The boy's first really great lesson in acting
usually takes place upon meeting his mother III
search Of the pantry-key, which lies securely ut
the bottom OF his trouscrs-pockct.
An old negro was paid his wages in silver
ha1f-dof1ars. lie gazed benignly upon them as
they lay in his palm, grinned IS though in tri-
urnph, and exclaimed: OATS dc stuff de rats
can't chaw!"
Little Girl: "Oh, please, sir, I've brought
your shirt 'omc, but mother says she can't wash
it no more. 'cos she was obliged to paste it up
t1ts u-G11
tender! ;'-Fun.
pale aud threw away lis cigar. Said he, ssTl,ass
su,nthin i'll that air cigar that's made me sicls''
Il know what 1t is," said his companion, pull
ing away. "What!" "Tobackcr."
a patriot, who had been laying aside some
thing every year for the completion Of the Wash
ington Monument, took the money out last
week and succeeded in purchasing a lQ-ccnt
cigar with it BY inducing the dealer to knock off
2 cents.
4 fire was caused in Scranton the other day
by the SUMS rays glancing of citzcn's nose
and concentrating Oh 4 frame shed. Tie owner
of the nose doesn't belong to temperance so
clcty. lie argues that a little wine for the stom
acll's sake will harm no one.
In the Pyrcnees the following NOTICES posted
in hotel: "All travellers on their arrival will
be entitled, gratis, to a bath, with friction and
special lotions. These lotions will guarantee
the traveller perfect Immunity from the nunler~
Gus insects which infest the hotel"
In city where unlicensed dogs arc rapidly
being disposed Of by the revolvers Of the police,
deaths and their cause, asked her mother, when
i gentleman died next door, "Whut made
Mr.. - die: Wasn't lie 1iccnscd!''
Stern hostess (who is giving private thcatri-
cals): You arc very late, Mr.. Fitz Snythe
They've begun long ag3o!" Languid person Of
importance {who abonlinates that particular
form of ENTERTAINMENT: s What! You don't
mean to say they're at it l!"-Tnnc1.
Judge Lynch, Of Kansas, hung man by the
neck until he confessed to stealing SEQ, and
then gave him 100 lashcs The next day the
owner of the money found it in drawer where
he had himself put it. The suspc nded party
shouldn't have been in such hnste to confess.
Said Denver prisoner to His Honor:
you've sent me up every summer for four
years. aud I've missed the Fourth Of July every
time Now | want you to make it short this
time. Make it SO I'll get out before the Fourth.
This is the last Centennial expect to spend on
earth, and don't want to spend it III jail"
Occasionally BARRIERS get hold Of poor quality
OF bay rum, and, when such is applied to the
face Of man just shaved, it smarts like fire for
a few moments. A case of this kind occurred
in one Of our larbcr-shops the other dny
.Whoop hold! Holy Moses!'' yelled the mai.
springing wildly from the chair, and clnsping his
burning cheeks with both hands; " YOU 11lay
skin ne-that's all right--hut I'll be essentially
cussed # I'm going to have pepper-sauee rubbed
OIL it afterwards! Now, you hear mel"
"Mike," said Dennis, Mike, dye see Tint?
I'll fall overheard, and you'll jump in aud rescue
NE, and we'll divide the reward, which'll be
pound apiece s'Agreed,'' said Mike; there
goes,n and minute later lie was f1uundering in
the water. But no sooner had he fallen in than
Dennis, to his incxpressible horror, remembered
that lie didn't kuUW how to sWinl and So in
stead Of sprfnging in and rescuing the drowning
man, he stood leaning over the rail, staring at
the bubbles where Mike sunk. Once Mike came
up, but Dennis gave no Sign. Twice he came up,
For the fatal third time he came to the surface,
aud faintly exclaimed: ''Denny, av ye ain't
mighty quick it's only Is shillings eica we'll
.rt for rr"orcrin' tire hntlvi" -pnn'a-