Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1876-12-30
Wit AND HUMoR.

In what place are two heads better than
one2 In barrel
In spite of the hard times the wages Of
sin are still up to the old standard.
Why il your wife like dynamite Benuse
she's apt to blow up if harshly handled.
Said q cobbler. who had just set up in
business: Ny first purchase is my last"
Uphill business-Sitting on q wheel
barrow and trying to wheel yourself TO
glory.
Peck didn't exactly know the words when
he chorussed, "There's log cabin in the
candle"
"Courtship is bliss" said an ardent young
man. eyes, and matrimony is blister"
snarled an cid bachelor.
The gentleman who kissed lady's
"mowy brow" caught a severe cold, and
has been laid up ever since.
Circumstances alter cases. There are
times when things are not themselves any
more than men are. A tooth is not tooth
when it is a-king.
The rhymer who wrote the line. Dear
to me is the surf-tossed beach" probably
had in his mind the recollection Of his bill
ct some seaside hotel.
Upon the marriage Of Miss Wheat, Of
Virginia, an editor hoped that her path
might be fo,uery. and that she might never
be thrashed BY her husband.
"were you drunk P" asked . lawyer Of
witness. "Well," was the reply, II had
been drinking so much I couldn't tell
whether I was sober or not"
ibid yon notice how splendidly went
through that last reel, at the ball last night,
Tom" eyes. and also noticed that you
kept It up all the ray home !"
A man whose appearance indicated that
he had had glass too much. being asked
if he was q Son of Temperance. replied:
"No-no relation (hic)-not even an &C
quaintance"
Nothing makes man so mad as to run q
quarter Of mile after Thomas to borrow
money Of him, and reaching him, to find
that he is Jones. creditor who has been
threatening to sue.
An old bachelor says that giving the bal
lot to women would not amount to anything
practically. because they would keep deny
ing they were old enough to vote until they
got to be too old to take any interest in
politics.
A miikman was awoke by a wag in tho
night with the announcement that his best
COW was choking. He forthwith jumped
up to save the life of his animal, when. 10!
he found Q turnip stuck in the mouth Of
his pump.
"Neuralgia is the charming nams Of q
charming girl in Florida. Her fond moth.
er found it on a medicine bottle, and was
captivated with its sweetness. So some
young man is doomed to suffer neuralgia Of
the heart.
A school teacher got the boys down on
him by taking their apples away from them
when they had them around in school time.
and eating them himself, but he looks at
them very carefully since he ate one charged
with red pepper.
A young lady, engaged to be married,
and getting sick Of her bargain, applied to
q friend to help her unite the knot before
it was too late. "Oh. certainly" he re-
piled. it's very easy to unite it now. while
it is only beau knot"
A goose that sees another drink will do
the same. though he is not thirsty. The
custom Of drinking for company, when
drinking is indispensable and prejudicial.
seems to be a case of the same kind, and to
put q man, feathers only excepted, upon q
footing with goose.
An enthusiastic admirer Of Shakespeare,
who claimed that no other poet had ever
been able to equal him, after exhausting
praise, exclaimed, az tell you that Shaks-
peare climbed Parnassus to . height never
before reached, and then pulled The ladder
up after him !"
A blacksmith brought up his son, to whom
he was very severe, to his trade. One day
the old man was trying to harden cold
chisel. which he had made of foreign steel
but he could not succeed. "Horsewhip it.
father" exclaimed the boy, il that won't
harden it, I don't know what will"
A celebrated French preacher, in ser.
non ON the duties Of wives, said. I see in
this congregation Q woman who has been
guilty Of disobedience to her husband, and
in order to point her out viii fling my
breviary at her head" He lifted his book,
and every female head instantly ducted
"Now. my boy" said the committee.
man, III had . mince-pie and sheuN
give two-twelfths Of it to John, two-twe1fths
to Isaac, two.twelfths to Harry, and should
take half the pie myself. what would fhsre
be leftf Speak up loud, 70 that al can
hear you" "The plate {" shoutsd tie
boy.
Five young men went 70 . spiritualistio
seance in'Terrs Hauts the other night With
lamp black o. the palms Il their banda
Then they shook hands With the maassiaA
isedspirit that appeared. and. after the hghts
were turned up. the medium who had been
Gin trance" in the cabinet iaso bad lamb.
black On her hands.
A ooupy youth in . nsighbornS town,
having strongly objected to taking bio
medicine. was induced to mako . hsazty
meal II buckwhsat cakes and maple syrup,
hut the latter proved TO be nice syTup 4
squills. The boy said he thought something
allied the uolasses the miants his fatA1
told him he could ct al hs wanted t.