The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1876-08-19
tisement" was nothing in the world but a

tisement" was nothing in the world but a
wicked tax-return-a string of impertinent
questions about my private affairs, occupying
the best part of four foolscap pages of fine print
questions, may remark, gotten up with such
| marvellous ingenuity that the oldest man in the
world couldn't understand what the most of
them were driving at-questions, too, that were
calculated to make man report about four
times his actual income to keep from swearing
to lie. looked for loop hole, but there did
not appear to be any. Inquiry No. covered
my case as generously and as ample as an UNI
brella could cover an ant-hill:
'What were your profits in 1859 from any
| trade, business or vocation, wherever carried
| on?"
| And that inquiry was backed up by thirteen
others of an equally searching nature, the most
modest of which required information as to
whether had committed any burglary or high
way robbery, or by any arson or other secret
source OF emolument had acquired property
which was not enumerated in my statement Of
income as set opposite to inquiry No. l.
| 1t was plain that that stranger had enabled
me to make an ass of myself 1t was very,
very plain, and 1 went out and hired another
artist. By working on my vanity the stranger
had seduced me into declaring an income of
S2I4,OOO. By law $1,000 of this was exempt
from income tax-the only relief l could see,
and it was only drop in the ocean. At the
legal five per cent, must pay over to the gov
ernment the appalling sum of ten thousand,
six hundred and fifty dollars income tax.
RI may remark, in this place, that did not
do it,
am acquainted with a very opulent man,
whose house is palace, whose table is regal,
whose outlays are enormous, yet man who
has no income, as 1 have often noticed by the
revenue returns and to him 1 went for advice
in my distress. He took my dreadful exhibit
of receipts, he put on his glasses, he took his
pen, and presto was pauper! 1t was the
neatest thing that ever was He did it simply
by deftly manipulating the bill of "Deduc-
TONS" He set down my estate, national and
municipal taxes at SO much; my CLOSES by
shipwreck, fire, etc."-at so much my CLOSES
on sales of real estate--on dive stock sod"-on
pairs, improvements, interest"-on previously
taxed salary as an officer of the United States
army, navy, revenue service" and other things.
He got astonishing deductions" out of each
and every one of these matters-each and eve
ry one of them. And when he was done he
handed me the paper, and 1 saw at a glance
that during the year 1869 my income, in the
way of profits, had been one thousand, taoo hu,e-
dred and fifty dollars and forty cents.
"Now," said he, "the thousand dollars is ex-
empt by law. What you want to do is to go
and swear the document in and pay tax on the
two hundred and fifty dollars"
while he was making this speech his little
boy Willie lifted two dollar green-back out of
his vest pocket and vanished with it, and
would bet anything that if any stranger were
to call on that little boy tomorrow, he would
make false return of mis- income.]
"Do you," said I, ''do you always work up
the deductions after this fashion in your case,
sir?"
"Well, 1 should say so If fitweren't for those
eleven saving clauses under the head of de-
ductions' should be beggard every year to
support this hateful and wicked, this extor-
tionate and tyrannical government"
This gentleman stands away up among the
very best of the solid men of Buffalo-the men
of moral weight, of commercial integrity, of
unimpeachable social spotlessness-and SO
bowed to his example. l went down to the
revenue Office, and under the accusing eyes of
my old visitor, stood up and swore to lie after
lie, fraud after fraud, villainy after villainy,
till my immortal soul was coated inches and
inches thick with perjury, and my self-respect
gone forever and ever.
But what of it? 1t is nothing more than
thousands of the highest and richest, and
proudest, and most respected, honored and
courted men in America do every year. And so
don't care. l am not ashamed. I shall sim
ply, for the present, talk little and wear fire.
proof gloves, lest l fall into certain habits
irreyocably.