Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-06-16
Il UMO r.

IL u W u IL.
1t was at a dinner party, at Mr.. Pres
colts Nahant residence, good many years
ago, the honored guest being an English
baronet. just as the first course was re-
moved, the historian and host, turning to
his host, said:
'sI'm afraid you'll miss your soup. We
haye given you instead our usual side
DISH"
. ''Indeed,' answered the baronet; land
what do you call it,"
"Chowder."
"How?"
s'ChowdeF."
"Would you kindly spell it for me?"
ssC-h-o-w-d-e-r. How do like it, Sir
John?"
''Well,'' said the noble Briton, GIVE
travelled good deal in my time, and 1
confess that I've eaten things that were
worse, but not much, not much"
The guests kept their faces straight as
long as they could, but the roar came at
last, and it was hearty one.
A little four-year-old boy, Willie by
name, enjoyed the luxury of sleeping with
his mother during short illness. After
his entire recovery his mother told him
one night that he must go again to his
little room. He made no objections, but
after being undressed said to his mother:
Mother, 1 want to say my prayers alone
to night" ''But why do you wantto,
Willie?" because want to, mamma"
Mother humored him, and, standing out
side the door, heard Willie pray as follows:
ooh, God, make Willie sick; make him
real sick; make him wommit; but don't
dead him." How much that boy wanted
to sleep with his mother!
Five boys took all Of Friday to catch
fish. They tramped about fifteen miles,
imbedded hook in a most undesirable
part for hooks in one Of the party, had a
fight in which one boy lost three teeth, and
another two, lost their lines, also a straw
hat. They were gone eight hours. Net
results Of the trip: One fish, three black
eyes, five stone bruises, and small assert
ment of blisters. This is part of the boast
ed civilization of the nineteenth century.
An ingenious Frenchman on Long Island
claims to have discovered sure means OF
destroying the potato bugs. Mix one gal
lon of prussic acid with three ounces OIL
rend rock, stir well, and administer a
tablespoonful every hour and a half till the
bug shows signs Of weakening. Then
stamp on him.
An old Baptist minister enforced the ne
cessity OF difference of opinion by argu-
ment: ''Now, if everybody had been OF NY
opinion, they would all have wanted my
old woman" One OF the deacons, who SAT
behind him, responded: s. Y es; and if every
body was of my opinion, nobody would
have her,"
One Ohio editor says Of contemporary
who had assumed the part of a mummy in
a dramatic performance: HE was obliged
to put little animation into himself to
ccme up with the character, and to wear
more recent linen; but that was about all.
Nature had admirably qualified him toact
the part"
'sI'll scratch your eye out" Kissed an in
censed female passenger in horse car,
who imagined that the gentleman by her
side was going one eye on her.
''Oh, scratch away, madame!'' he quiet
ly responded, "it's glass;"
A country editor is responsible for the
suggestion that in this degenerate age it
would be well to have church wardens and
deacons each provided with bell-punch
when they pass around the contribution
boxes.
A pair Of pantaloons containing Sal
were blown away by the Fremont, la,
hurricane. We suspect the wearer chung
to sapling; but his suspender buttons
couldn't have been sewed on very strongly.
In Philadelphia they have handker-
chiefs with the Declaration of Indepen.
dence printed on them in French, German,
and English, so that one can blow his nose
in three languages in the Quaker City.
A lazy fellow once declared in public
company that he could not find bread for
his family. Nor l." replied an indus
taious mechanic; 81 am obliged to work
for it,"
II always sing to please myself" said a
gentleman who was humming a tune in
company. ..'Then you are not at all diff
cult to please" said a lady who sat next
to him.
Wanted-A cover for bare suspicion;
veil for the face of nature; buttons for the
breaches Of privileges; binding for a vol
ume of smoke; cement for broken engage
ments.
The word debt is composed of the mi
tials of ''dun every body twice." Credit
is formed of the initial letters Of ''call re-
gularly every day-I'll trust"
II take my tex dis morning." said COL
ored preacher, ''from dat portion OBJ de
Scripters whar de Postal Paul pintS his
pistol to the Fesions.''
A gentleman in Danbury, Conn.,, has
had perseverance enough to take the tenn
perance pledge eighty-three times and
break it eighty-twO.
Another conscientious man is opposed
to opening the Centennial Exhibition on
Sunday. He says Sunday is the only time
he gets to go fishing.
A man may be said to have been drink
ing like fish when he feels he has taken
enough to make his head swim.
whats going on?" said well-known
bore to Douglas Jerrold. 81 am" was the
renlv and on he went