, 1876-04-15
Secretary Taft and Grant,

country, Judge Taft don, know anything
about war. He never fired Off q two-horsc
lumber wagon But he is determined tc
learn. The other day Grant dropped in at
ths war office and found his new secretary
deep among official documents.
=" "Postiny Yourself Up, AlioasO? said the
President with an encouraging smile.
Yes" said the Judge, eagerly. al want
to know everything pertaining to the busi-
ness / have been running over the disburse-
ments OF the department for the last year to
See what was expended for eatapulis"
For csts- WHAT" said the President,
paasing. as he was about 10 strike match
on his boot to light fresh cigar.
"Catapults. You have them in the army,
haven't you" " said the Judge, in rather an
uncertain tone of voice.
| The President smiled little, and said they
| did have a few left over from the war, but
he believed they had all been usod up Then
the secretary said he should certainly order
some more made, for he considered the caia-
pult one of the most effective weapons in
modern warfare. They did great execution
at the seige Of Jerusalem, as l remember
reading" unused the secretary, land it is
doubtful whether Tiberius would have been
able To reduce the city without them"
Grant looked at his new secretary through
the cigar smoke few moments. and then
told him if he ordered any eatapul,s he had
better have them "riAed, " with muzzle-load-
ing bayonent, and the secretary made a mem
Oraudum 10 that effect
- see that considerable money has been
spent in experimenting with torpedoes," con-
tinued the secretary, looking over the dis
bursemenis THAT seems to be waste of
money, and 1t encourages bad habit among
children. Serious accidents have frequently
resulted from little Toys throwing tOrpedoes
under horses feet on the Fourth Of July, and
it ought to be stopped
The President allowed that the torpedo
wasn't thing to fool with, and the secretary
read on. Suddenly he jumped 10 his feet,
while the hot, indignant blood flashed TO his
very temples as he exclaimed: '' No wonder
the s9antry isl is mp2ygrsnsds and the
trade languishes and the wheels Of industry
are clogged all over the land, my predeces-
sor has been shipping luxurious dellcaeies to
the garrisons of our forts, thinly cOncealed
under the term shell What does she'll
mean? Shell oysters, of counsel That's
what it means But they don't get any SIC!
while am secretary. Ill settle that
That's right" said the President. "lf
they get any oysters, make shem shell out
:or them, themselves" and then be added III
aside TO himself, "they would have to II
thrv bought them of one of Belknaps post
traders"
"Yes,'' continued the secretary, "lOok at
the quantity of grape on hand, classed among
Munitions of War What does grape mean
and what Is it for?
ut is 10 wash down the shell oysters'with.
| suppose, said Grant with II merry twinkle
In his eye, which The Judge did not see.
That's it exactly cried the Judge
" Keel ing the soldiers on wine and oysters,
while thousands of people are wandering
around in hopeless search for a free lunch
| tell YOU, 'Lyssis, This is scandalous
The President, as he arose to 90, said he
was glad he had secretary OF war, at
length, who was determined to look into
things and reform abuses, and cautionlng
him not TO forgot TO have those catapu!ts
riied, he returned to the White House with
a broa6,r grin On his face than anybody had
ever seen there before.