The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1876-10-12
MAX ADELER,s i "REConD."
He Determines to Run for the Presf-
dency, aud Defends His Past Acts Of
Fiendishness-He Will Stand Upon
the Facts, iH.i.,t

We are sorry to say that Max Adeler
has determined to run forthe Presidency.
His platform is thus announced in the
New York Illustrated Weekly:
have pretty much made up my mind
now to run for the Presidency. What
the country wants, isl a candidate who
cannot be injured by investigation of his
past history, so that tile. enemies of the
party will be unable to rake up against
him things that nobody ever heard of
before. If you know the most about a
candidate, to begin with, every attempt
to spring things on him will be check
mated. Now 1 am going to enter the
field with an open record. / am going
to own up in advance to all the wicked
ness 1 have done, and if any Congress
ional Committee is disposed to prowl
around my biography, in the hope Of
finding any dark and deadly deed which
I have secreted, why let tprowl.
In the first place, l admit that I did
tree rheumatic grandfather of mine in
the winter of 1S59..,..,He was old and in
expert in climbing trees, but with a
heartless brutality that is characteristic
of me, I ran him outitte front door in
his nightshirt, at the point of a shot gun,
and caused him to bowl up a maple tree,
where he remained all night while 1
emptied shot into his legs. did this be-
cause he snored. Il will do it again if l
ever, have another grandfather who
snores. I aiii as inhuman now as ! ever
was in 1859. No rheumatic person shall
snore in my house. n:a19i 4 :ictlf,ti-
I candidly. acknowledge that ] ran
away at the battle of Gettysburg. My
friends have tried to smooth. over this
fact by asserting that1 got behind tree;
that did sosfor the purpose Of initiating
Washington, who wentiinto the woods at
Valley Forge to say. bis prayers. 1t is a
miserable subtcrfuge. [ cut q straight
line for the Tropic Of Cancer simply be-
cause was scared Iwanted my coun-
Try saved, but / preferred having some
|ibody else save, her. 7 entertain that
preference yet. IF the bubble reputation
can be obtained only at the cannon
mouth, Tam willing stoogo,there for it,
providing the cannon is empty. If it is
loaded, my immortal and inaexible pur-
pose is to get suddenly over the fence
and go home. My invariable practice in
war has been to bring out of any given
fight two-thirds more men,than I took in.
This seems to n me to to, be ct lAapoleonic in its
grandeur. :. 80. H..
The last time I ran for the Presidency
there was some unpleasant talk faboutmy
implication in a transaction the
widow Pollock's ducks. The matter was
hushed up; but I have no objection to
admitting the truth respectingit. Ihave
always had favorite theory that roast
ducks were conductive to hysterical
symptoms, and as every instinct OF my
nature prompts me to protect the widow
from the rayages of hysteria, | entered
the coop in the garden and regretfnlly
but firmly removed those duck. The
fact that she began a prosecution against
me is not matter Of consequence. 1t is
the fate of the philanthropist to be mis-
understood. But duty is my guiding star,
and if it leads me to ducks or destruction
shall follow it. ...ls
| My financial views are of the most de-
cided character, but they are not likely,
perhaps, to increase my popularity with
the advocates of imitation and contrac-
ton, do insist upon the special suprc-
macy of rag money or hard money. The
great fundamental principle of my life is
to take any kind can get. li'.
The rumor that I buried a dead aunt
under one of my grape vines is founded
on fact. The vine needed fertilizing, my
aunt had to be buried, and I dedicated
her to that high purpose. Does that
unfit me for the Presidency? The Con-
stitution of our country does not say so.
| No other citizen was ever considered un-
worthy of the office BECAUSE he enriched
his grape vines with his relations Why
should I be selected as the first victim OF
an abused prejudice? ). !.
I admit, also, that I am not friend OF
the poor man. I regard the poor man,
in his present condition, as so much
wasted raw material. Cut up and prop
erly canned he might be useful to fatten
the natives of the Cannibal Islands, and
to improve our export trade with that
region; shall recommend legislation
upon the subject in my first message.
NV campaign cry will be: "Dissicate the
poor workingman! Stuff him into sau-
sages!'
These are about the worst parts of my
record. On them,;I come before the
country. If my country don't want me
I will 90 back again. But recommend
myself as a safe mana man who starts
from the basis of total depravity and pro-
poses to be fendish to the last.