The Dallas daily herald. [volume] (Dallas, Tex.) 1873-1887, 1876-05-05
AWAKENING 40 CANDIDATES.
ihefrlbuiHiions ola Man who AspIred
10 FoliiieaI hanora.



when they came and asked me ifl'd nc.
rfpl u nomination in the Legislature
they told me that theWhole community
wanted nae 20 run and that Was eei..
tam 10 be elected because / was n man
whose character was 80 good thai mo-.
body could find fault with IL thought
10 myself aud ] agreed 10 run, and nc.
eordingg they nominated me Well
Hlr ne very next morning the Argus
came out with an assertion that 1 had
been detected IN stealing chickens, and
u gave full history of the cnse. Ia.
gelher with pictures Of the chickens
ana alter darkly limiting that since
abandoning chicken stealing Ind been
continually engaged IN other forms of
robbery u asked II the people Of this
State wanted TO see chckm.thiof
making laws for tleni Aud The mia.
chief of il was that | did hook a couple
OF chickens from my Wandmothers
coop when was small boy, but how n
the thunder they ever found il out
beats me II was lilty.two years ago.
Now look At my noscl ltain't much
ola nose for beauty, Is in know we'll
enough that its crooked. But nobody
ever alluded TO il until was nominated
and then the Argus snid that there was
tradition that ! had the nose mnshed
around sideways during my career AZ a
prlze-lighteE although some people In.
sisted that | bad run il hard rgnmst a
post while ! was drunk, And then NIL
the illustrated papers in the State began
TO publish pictures Of me with nose
Ike the ,iib-sheet Of nm oyster sloop ON.
| ~ twisted around sideways. and one of
them said that when | sneezed on the
front porch, the conclusion acted like a
boomerang and flew the back door omen.
And then they tackled me about my
war record, You know was out with
the milito And the Argus published
letter from man who said that dun.
ing tho battle of GettysburgI was hid in
n refrigerator in a cellar in the town,
pretending that was ordered there to
mount guard over some rations of cold
beef And the Argus said that the only
man@uvre was ever good at was falling
back that whenever the enemy was cX-
peeted to DO approaching always made
u bee line for Nova Scotia, and never
turnedup until after the fight but once,
and then we were surprised, and fired
my musket so wildly that shot our own
Colonel IN the leg, and surrendered to an
lrishman Who belonged to our regiment,
and who came up to me TO Dor
row q plug of tobacco, To tell
the truth, ] wasn't much of al
fighting man, but how in the mischief
they found out about that refrigerator
gets me. Awful, isn't it2 wouldn't
have minded it SO much only they got
up poster and stuck il around Tie
streets and headed it 'Sretchs War
Record, and put on it u picture of me
with monstrous lopsided nose sitting
inside that refrigerator gnawing at a
bone out of the roast beef,
" And then as the campaign went
along, they accused me of having deAr-
inn tremens, of beating my wife, of wip-
ing my nose on my sleeve, of robbing n
bank, of selling my dead aunt to u med
zeal college and Of holding the doctrine
that the whale didn't swallow Jonah,
and that when Moses crossed tie Red
Sea he padded over in u bout. The
Argus said that if my wife dared to tell
how | treated her the community
would be filed with horror, but any
body might see for themselves, who
would notice, that her back hair was all
thinned out. And it said that had u
wen on my leg that untitled me for ao
tive duty anyhow, even if had not for
feited all claim to public confidence by
turning my grandfather out of doors
when he was dying of consumption, and
then setting my dog ON him and max
ing the aged man roost in mulberry
tree on the coolest night last winter for
fear of being eaten up.
People began to avoid me on the |
street. The general impression pre-
vailed that was desperate and hard
ened villain might have stood that
but you know the way they levied on
me for expenses was awful There was
that brass band. | kept that band
in luxury for three months;
and it used to come around
and serenade me three nights III the
week and wake all the babies in the
neighborhood. ! lost two hundred
votes in consequence of those wakened
babies Then the club would come and
call me out for speech, and when !
would get through | would have to ask
them into feed and they would stay
there and howl until four O'clock in the
morning, and get drunk and fight and
smash the furniture and bleed over the
carpets. Then they would assess me
for a mass-meeting and adjourn
handed out cash for posters and rum
and brass bands and bnrbecues, and fire
works and torchlight professions and
transparencies and for flags, ana the
Argus all the time accusing me OF buy
ing up votes and having repeaters IN my
pay. ,,Gl
1.-THE night of the election the brass
band and the club came around to con-
graduate me on my success, and alter
having final spree and concluding
riot in the parlor | went to bed, & lad !
had won anyhow. The first thing saw
in the Argus in the morning was the
announcement that the hoary-headed
chicken stealer had been beaten by
1000 majority, and would have to keep
his eccentric nose at home and spend
his time in rejecting that a free people
would never elect to a responsible oihce
a man who would tree his consumptlye
grandfather and traffic in the remains
of his aunt. SO that lets me out in pol
itics. When | run for office again you!
chuck me right into an insane asylum
"You can not keep me down."
shouted somewhat windy orator at
public meeting in New BEDFORD
| t,hauah nav ha nrasspd below the