The New Orleans bulletin., 1876-03-26
SPRING WEATHER TO ORDER.

It is proposed by reverend and scientific
gentleman in Kentucky to abolish Winter
the very thing which Nature seems to have
been trying to do this season. Mr.. Voolfolk,
of Lexington, expects to secure constant
supply OF ethereal mildness by firing guns.
Under the genial Influences of his explosions
flowers will bloom, sweet showers will de-
scend, trees will bud, birds will mate, and
early green peas be sold in the market at rea-
sonable prices. We do not know that We ex-
sctly understand Mr.. Woolfolk's theory, but
We have found it highly impressive. ike most
things which We don't exactly understand.
However, We are told that in the North Ten-
perate Zone there are two currents - the
tropical and the polar.
The more of the first which we have the
warmer We grow; the more OF the second we
have the colder We grow; We hope nobody at
this time of day will dispute these indisput-
able facts. What you want to make lovely,
open winter, with no sleighing, no skating,
and no frozen noses, and with q plenty Of
fevers, is minus Polar and plus. Tropical.
There is q wind blowing from the Troric Of
Cancer, of the southwest sort, and this is nice
and comfortable; there is another wind blow
ing on the top Of this from the n. p, and
this means overcoats The Polar current
cannot get down to us and produce that ia
miliar phenomenon. "the coolest day Of the
season." except by cutting hole in the
Tropical.
Through this it "pours its volume" and
sometimes large number Of volumes. When
il manages to elbow its way through, then is
the time to bring out the furs and umbrellas.
The P. G. and the T. c., as We understand it,
are not upon good terms and don't readily
minQle in social Intercourse, and that is why
we have convulsions of the elements. The
Tropicals way is to rise higher and higher,
until it becomes "embanked," being in this
respect exactly like Wall street capitalist
This obstructs Polar's flow, and both being
"re-inforced from behind" like Brigadier-
General in difficulties, the Polar cuts through
the Tropical, and discharges its mass
through the storm track" This the Rev.
Mr.. Voolfolk proposes (uot being bit afraid
OF it) "to confine to given area" How is
he to do this? As many other things are
done-"by explosions of gunpowder."
All that is needed is q days cannonading.
This will always "break vortex" The
tropical current is weakened. The polar
current passes peaceably along about its busi-
ness, All is serene The oldest inhabitant
saws that he never knew such q mild winter.
Coal bills are reduced to minimum. Opera.
tions in the principal mines are suspended,
and vet the miners, under the soothing in1u.
ence Of the weather, are as peaceful as SO
many black lambs All you need is "a series
of cannonades." All you have to do is to fire
away and fire frequently.
We have Q suspicion that We have not ex-
planned Mr.. Woolfolk's plan very satisfacto-
iily; but, 1t any rate. we are sure OF the guns.
These will give touch Of festivity to the
operations, and make the dullest winter day
lively. Being asked at what point he would
erect his experimental batteries. Mr.. Wool.
folk answers largely: II would select the
Pacific Ocean. would erect battery on the
Aleutian Islands. The southerly wind would
sweep constantly the Atlantic, driving before
It the warm surface waters into the Arctic and
out through Behring's Straits into the Pa
ci6c r. And all this time the Rev. Mr.. Wool.
folk. with his assistants, is working his bat
teries on the Aleutian Islands. "Ice and
snow" he says, "would soon disappear.
We should think so. and be glad to do it.
We dare not venture to speculate upon the
physical, moral, and social changes which
win be produced by Mr.. Voolfolk 8 astonish.