Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1876-06-19

Sounds just as loud as a new quar-
tel" chuckles Midas, as he drops five
cent nickle into the contribution box.
"Giles, can you conjugate behaves p"
"Behaves-behoove -behives-be--"
"See, here You can 60 and stand in
the corner"
Judge: Have you anything to offer
to the court before sentence is passed ON
you ?" Prisoner: "No, Judge; l had
ten dollars, but the lawyers took that"
1t was New Jersey wife who said
my dear. if you can't really drink bad
coffee without abusing me, how is it that
you can always drink bad whisky with
out abusing the barkeeper?'
A doctor recently gave the following
prescription for a sick lady: ga new
bonnet, Cashmere shawl, and a silk
dress" The lady, it is needless to say,
entirely recovered.
A lady was asked to join one of the
divisions of the Daughters of Temper
ance. She replied: "This is unneces.
sary, as it is my intention to join one of
the sons IN a few weeks"
Sixteen hundred young women in
Cleveland are pledged not to associate
with men of tippling habits. Other
cities have large numbers of women who
have made the same vow.
alt is strange" muttered a young
man. as he staggered home from a sup
per party. chow evil communications
corrupt good manners. have been sur
rounded by tumblers all the evening, and
now am a tumbler myself"
The lightning struck darkey on the
head, on Sunday morning last, but be
refused to bulge an inch, and muttered
doggedly: Dat makes free times Use
been hit, and now l shouldn't wonder eI
it luff me alone"
She was a young lady from New York
and he asked her if she would partakt
of an ice cream, and she gently answer
ed: IF it's good. square confectioner'
cream I'm there; but if it's a churcl
fair or strawberry festival slush coun
me out.
How like its father it is said the
nurse, on the occasion of the christening
of baby whose father was more thar
seventy years Of age, who had married
a young wife. Very like, said satiri
cal lady; bald, and not tooth in it
head.
The whirligig of fashion may brine
round the most sudden and dazzlin:
changes, and the duties Of the toilet ma,
multiply like leaves in Valambroso, bu
there is nothing that will make a womal
stand before her looking glass so long a
a sunburnt nose.
IL don't miss my church so much a
you suppose" said lady to her minis
ter, who had called upon her during he
illness; '.for l make Betsy sit at tn
window as soon as the bells begin t
|, chime, aud tell me who are going t
church, and whether they have got o.
anything new.
J Seven o'clock a. m.-Boy has terri
bic toothache; can't 60 to school. Hal
past nine a. ma solitary figure ma
be seen skulkiDg through the street
leading to the fish pond perch and chu
bite. Half past six p. m.-Scene. wooc
: shed dramatis persona, the old mar
one trunk stamp. one boy. Let's dra'
the curtain.
.There is one thing on which hui
band and wife never have and never ca
agree, and that is on what constitutes
well-beaten carpet. When a carpet
: clean it's a mans impression that
/. should be removed. and he be allowed
l. wask up and quietly retire. But Won
Ir ans appetite for carpet-beating is new
Of appeased while man has whole mu
Z Gle in his body. And if he waited unit
' she voluntarily gave the signal to ste
he might beat away until he drOpp'
ID down dead. 1t Is directly owing to b
II superior strength of mind that the civi
lied world is not widow this day.
-, Nasrp