The new Northwest. [volume] (Portland, Or.) 1871-1887, 1876-09-22
"All's Well That Ends Well" 1"


pass anywhere for an eX-Congressman.
The cold sweat of wisdom and common
sense sparkled on his massive brow,
and no one to look at him would for q
moment suppose he could be guilty of
a mean action.
He boarded the Morris and Essex 1850
train due west, and seating himself near
the stove, he commenced to devour the
contents of patent medicine almanac
with avidity.
When the train had gone through the
Erie tunnel, the conductor stepped into
the car and shouted:
"Tickets p'
The passengers Immediately produced
either the necessary pasteboard or the
collateral that speaks all languages;
and the conductor finally reached the
middle-aged pilgrim and screamed in
his ear:
"Ticket, please ~
ayes, sir" said the traveller, 'T will;
am always happy to tick it when and
wherever / can, and Pm much obliged
to you for telling me to-"
81 want your ticket, sir" said the
conductor, sternly, when the traveller
went on:
at is well authenticated fact that
Powhatan was going to club the head
off of Captain Smith, but he didn't, and
1 wish you would tell your children of
it. Yes, sir; you should pour the history
of our beloved country into your chill
dren, if it takes half the money that
you knock down on this road to do it,"
AZ am not thief, sir" cried the con-
ductor, "and if you don't hand out your
ticket right away, pll expel you from
this train"
"And don't forget" the pilgrim went
on, 'to tell your children about old
! Hickory Jackson, and the wayin which
he cleaned out them Britishers at New
! Orleans. 0, wasn't it beautiful When
ever 1 think of it, feel like husking off
my ulster and turning fip-faps all over
creation"
"Hand ont that ticket, or bounce ~
yelled the collector of fares.
"And don't fall" continued the pere-
grinaUor, "to mention to your youngsters
something about old Harrison, the In
! jun fighter:
Old Tippecanoe,
And Tyler, too,
eh ? and be sure to tell them that little
story about George Washington and the
juvenile axe"
"If you don't favor me with your
ticket" said the conductor, "I'll stop
the train and put you off"
The old fellow paid no attention to the
remarks addressed to him, but contin-
ued:
''Oh, for the good old days of Jeffer-
son and Jackson; them was the days oI
square meals, and no murderer could
get stay of proceedings, and no Tweed
could rob the people, and get away with
the swag. There's too many foreign of
fice-holders now, anyhow; that's what:
the matter"
"Give me your ticket ~ screamed the
conductor.
"Supposin' amt got none ?" replied
the man.
"Then give me your money"
"Ain't got none; will my note o
hand do ?"
mo, sir; you may take your choice
ticket, money, or bounce"
"Then bounce is the programme"
The conductor, in an ecstasy of rage
stopped the car, and as the old fellow
stepped out into the meadows, he drew
a gun out of the leg of his pantaloOns
The conductor turned pale at the idea o
being shot, when the traveller smiled
sweetly and said:
'I amt a-going to harm hair o
your head, mister; 1 came out here t.
go pe-shooting, and if you hadn't le
me off, I'd had to have jumped off, ant
run the risk of breaking my gun. Re
member what told you about Ameri
can history, and pour it into your chill
dred if it makes you go broke"
The conductor crawled into the ca
. with a sickly smile, the passenger
: chuckled, and as the train started Of
the old man was looking for wisp c
f snipe.-BrO1ORe.