Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-06-02
HUMOR.

UMOR.
Old Mr.. Perkins has grown sick and
wearied with hearing his grandchildren
necessarily talking about the glories of the
Philadelphia show; but he succeeded in
silencing them for awhile the other day by
remarking que1 ulously: "Aye, aye, but
We may say what We please about your Sin
tinyals, but ye can't make 'em what they
used to be in my young days." and he
turned off the gas and shuff1ed off to, bed
in the dark.
A young minister, somewhat distin-
guished for self-conceit, having failed dis
astrously before a crowded audience, was
thus addressed by an aged brother: If you
had gone into that pulpit, feeling as you
do on coming out of that pulpit, you would
have felt on coming out of that pulpit as
you did when you went into that pulpit.
Perhaps children are the silver cords
that bind us to heaven, and yet man
doesn't think about that who, after listen
ing until three O'Clock in the morning to
the music of his infant, just glances wear
lily at his watch. and remarks to his wife,
my dear, [ think I'll go out into the
wood-shed and try to get a little Sleep"
A young lady, when invited to partake
of pudding, replied, ''no, many thanks, my
dear madame. By no manner of means. l
have already INDUCED the clamorous calls
of craving appetite, until the manifest
sense of an internal fullneSs admoniShes
my stay; my deficiency is entirely salts
fed
There are many trying things in life, but
a mans self respect is never SO wounded
as when he sees a silver ten cent piece ly-
ing on showcase; makes up his mind to
steal it: gently reaches out his hand to
take it in, and then discovers that it is
glued on to the under side Of the glass.
Some people seem to be extremely sensi-
tive. At one of the churches on Sunday
the minister read prayer for a person in
deep affection, and a man Who had just
been married got up and went out. He
said he didn't want public sympathy OBJ
When Mark Anthony threw himself up
on the s'dear remains of his loved Caesar
in Pittsburg theatre the other evening,
he struck the 'scopse fair in the stomach,
which had the effect of doubling it up with
a grunt, rather detracted from the solem-
nifty of the occasion.
An editor having asked an Illinois farm
er for crop news, received this answer:
"And now the reaper reapeth, the mower
moweth, and the little humble bee getheth
up the granger's trowser leg and bum
bleth."
A Wisconsin paper having exulted over
the fact of its coming out in new dress,
a rival sheet remarks: 'In this, as il
everything else, they are an age behind
our office. which was supplied with new
aterial years ago."
A Minnesota lady. In taking her morn
ing cape lately, put her jaws out OF joint,
and it was two days before the doctor could
get it in biace again. Her husband says
he llasn' t had such vacation since his
married life began.
'fHow like its father it lisp said the
nurse, on the occasion of the christening
of a baby whose father was more than sew
enty years of age, and who married young
wife, every like.'' said a satirical lady
s.bald, and not tooth in it's head"
A student who failed to pass in his
Greek history examination, repudiated
with scorn the insinuation that he was not
prepared. He had crammed himself, he
said, so tight that he could not get it out
again.
Josh Billings has written a play. The
principal part will be take by the hind legs
of mule, and the dramatic movement
will be fastened by the business end of a
hornet, skillfully introduced
Josh Billings says ''when young man
amt good for nothing else, like tew see
him have gold headed cane. If he can't
buy cane, let him part his hair in the
middle"
.sWhy, Jennie, you are good enough to |
eat!'' said loving husband to his wife |
one morning at breakfast. swell, Pm
eating as fast as I can, amt ?"
A Berks county farmer has moved with |
the scytbe for thirty-five years, tits said.
and he expects to use it until he is no |
mower.
"Who frew dat peanut at me 20 asked |
darkey when struck on the Uranium with |
a sand bag thrown out of balloon.
What Kentucky wants is not a shower |
of chicken salad, but a patent flask that |
won't gurgle in the middle of the nj CHIT
When she struck him over the head with
tin dipper for trying to kiss her, he called |
it ssthe Naturalization of the belle'
What is that which no man wants,
which, If any man has, he would net part |
for untold wealth ? "A bald head"
Simpk1ns has found that the pleasentest !
way to take cod-liver oil is to fatten pige-
ons with it, and then eat the pigeons.
A trust company is one which trusts the |
money of one man into the hands Of an
other.
If YOU wish for money, send a postal card |
to the man who owes you, and the thing is
dun.
There is firm in Boston named Gray IL
Lunt. Half their letters come to them ad-
dressed Lay & Grunt.
q The ladies like to see greenbacks con-
verified into pinbacks.
Pluck will carry a man where palace
car will not. |