The New Orleans Democrat. (New Orleans, La.) 1875-1876, 1876-03-29
NOS pIATT.
rnss FOR Roland RObesOn in the
ucshfurton CAPITAL,

/ 0TlffU
IN bindings, that everybody wants to
o onaw y0u know. Then we have such
ssInarming preparations for war every
snsr and such q vast expenditure OF
J~nev. that the wish TO learn all about
nv !. hr fhetaxpayers, although somewhat
| impertinent, is natural.
Unfortunately the Investigations are
ABDUCTED in secret. The old members,
Seno all Republicans, won't tell, and
M new members, being Democrats, are
.no timid TO tell, 50 that information is
scarce. :.
nleansant for US to be able. more
through accident than enterprise, to
gratify our readers, and, through our
Exchanges, the world at large.
We had amember Of this Investigating
eommittee to dine with US one day last
week. He was one Of the few members
a the House who had his views on
snance A member who has financial
riegs II apt TO let them loose on all occa-
sions. and between the sherry ana
champagne this member let out more
.aw and extraordinary views than we
agar heard before Our readers may ap-
1,eciate this when we tell them that We
rread the daily Cincinnati Enqnirer be
tween doses Of quinine and whisky, to
keep down malaria, with steady peril
~aeitv When the member left us,
which he did in hack ut about mid
night, telling coachy with solemn en-
nbasis to drive him to the House, he
ppnlled out roll Of manuscript which he
said was his speech on currency, and
gaye IL to us. Wishing for an anOdyne
n nut us to sleep, we opened the roll
n read. To our amazed delight, we
fmnd il contained notes Of part Of the
aramination Of The Rotund himself. We
nlndoed into it at once, and read, as we
live It To the reader:
saOuestion. Can you tell us, Mr.. Sec
ratary. why il is that war is declared
against Spain every year?
ANSWER. Cannot, blast your eyes, for
that belongs to another department. ]
have nothing to do, SILVER my timbers,
With declaring war. / have only to pre-
pare for it when threatened.
aOuestion. What department declares
war?
answer. In this case the Interior
and the War Departments. The last
only so far as the qurtermasters' bureau
d concerned.
"Ouestion. Why these?
answer. Well, you see, you land lub-
bers, that it ID our duty to protect Amer
ican citizens. Now many citizens con-
nerted with the Interior and Quarter
masters bureau hold Cuban bonds
These bonds are property, and If We
don't protect them what's the good Of
our bunting, Ell? That's clear enough.
"Ouestion. so you expend millions in
that way TO enhance the value Of these
bonds Don't you consider that rather
expensive?
IL - HDr rI hn yir re
Of our citizens? Hitch my brooches ii /
ever heard more patriotic sentiment.
But have thought Of the expense, and
conducted the business in the most
economical manner. For example, al
ways about the time of the fall cleo
tons find the navy yards crowded with
workmen. I utilize that fact, and set
them oil to work.
"Ouestion Do you mean to say that
We have ships-of-war, the repair and
fitting out Of which can give employ
ment to these men ?
Answer. Didn't have, you lubbers,
till | came in. / created navy. L
saw that the naval powers OF Europe
were In transition as to q navy. First,
they build an iron-clad that can resist
any shot, then they build gun that
will throw proiec lie through any ar
time, whenever a canal boat or mud
scow is condemned as unscaworthy, j
buy her and put on more iron armor
than she can carry in rough sea, and
keep her In wait for war.
Question. If she won't carry her
armor, that strikes me as being poor
sort Of economy?
Answer. Because you know nothing
about high old strategy. If you did, in
stead Of being lubberly Congressman
you'd be Secretaries Of the Navy.
Question Will you please explain
this high old strategy?
Answer. Certainly - confdentlally,
strictly in confidence. ] have navy
that won't float. In addition to this, |
have employed the great gun-burSter,
Norman Wizard He is the most re-
markable inventor in that line the world
ever saw. Now keep your weather eye
on me. / arm these iron-clads, mud
scows and canal boats with Wizard guns.
Wars declared. The Spaniards sail in
and capture my fleet. OF course they
man that fleet and mix it in with theirs.
In their first maneuver in battle the
Wizard guns burst, killing great num-
bers OF the enemy, sinking their ships
down with the captured ones. This
leaves Cuba unprotected, and then
sail in on transports provided by Ruf.
Ingalls, and seize the Island Of Cuba.
Now. don't that astonish you? Don't
that make your lubberly heads swim?
Question Makes us sea5ick. Now,
Mr. Secretary, will you please inform US,
II you can, how it is 50 many attempts
have been made to destroy your depart
ment buildings by fire?
ANSWER. l have brought my mari
time mind to bear upon that, for L
thought some fool would ask just such a
question. / have two theories. One Is
based on the morbid condition OF appe-
tite In the rats Of the Navy Department.
1t Is found that owing to the badly
drained condition Of the buildings there
Is much malaria peryading the prem
ises. Now the rats, to escape the evil
results, have evinced an appetite for
birthstone, and it is supposed that
In stealing matches, and attempt
Ing to gnaw off the sulphur have
exploded the lucifers, and 80 set fire
to the buildings. In proof Of this we
iound, where the fire originated, large
quantities OF these matches evidently
carried there by the rats. My other
theory is spontaneous combustion.
There used to be certain old rotton pa
pers, referring to the San Domingo az
lair, the Secor claims and other trans
actions, long since investigated and set
Tied, that would spontaneously combust.
We have observed that wherever fire
occurred these papers were filed IN con-
siderable quantities. Fortunately they
are all DESTROYED now, so that the build