The Andrew County Republican. [volume] (Savannah, Mo.) 1871-1876, 1876-07-13
A Political Manifesto.
BY MAX ADELER.

BY MAX ADELER.
1 have pretty much made up my
mind now to run for the Presidency.
what the country wants is a candidate
VINO can not be injured by investiga.
ton OF his past history, so that the enc,
mics OF the party will be unable to rake
up against him things that nobody ever
heard OF before. If you know the most
about a candidate, to begin with, every
attempt to spring things on him will be
checkmated. Now, I am going to en-.
ter the field with an open record. !
am gong to own up in advance to all
the wickedness l have done, and if any
congressional committee is disposed to
prowl around my biography, in the
nope OF finding any dark and deadly
deed which | have secrcted, why, let IL
prowl.
In the first place, I admit that l did
tree a rheumatic grandfather of mine
In the winter of 1859. He was old and
inexpert at climbing trees. But with a
heartless brutality that is characteristic
OF me, l ran him out the
front door in his night shirt,
at the point Of q shotgun, and
caused him bowl up a maple tree, where
he remained all night, while I emptied
shot into his legs. | did this because
he snored. will do it again if | ever
have another grandfather. / am as
inhuman now as | was in 1859. Nc
rheumatic person shall snore in my
hona.
1 ~candidly acknowledge that l rar
away at the battle of Gettysburg. My
friends have tried to smooth over this
fact by asserting that | merely got be.
hind a tree; that | did so for the pur.
pose of initiating Washington, who
went into the woods at Valley Forge &c
say his prayers. 1t is n miserable sub.
terfuge. l struck out in a straight line
for the Tropic Of Cancer, simply be.
cause l was scared. / wanted my
country saved, but l preferred to have
somebody else save her; | entertain
that preference yet. If the bubble
reputation, a be obtained only at tn,
cannon's mouth, | am willing to %
there for it, provided the cannon i,
empty. If it is loaded, my immorta
and intlexible purpose is to get suddenly
over the fence and go home. My in
variable practice in war has been tC
bring out of any given fight two-third>
more men than | took in. This seem,
to me to be Napoleonic in its grandeur
The last time / ran for the Presi
dency there was some unpleasant talk
about my implication in a transaction
with the widow Pollock's ducks. The
matter was hushed up; but | have nc
objection to admitting the truth re.
specting it. Ihave always had a favoritC
theory that roast ducks are conducive
to hysterical symptoms, and as every
instinct of my nature prompted ME tc
protect the widow from the ravages O
Mysteries, | entered her coop in tn,
garden, and regretfully but firmly re
moved those ducks. The fact that sh,
began n prosecution against me is moi
II matter of consequence. 1t is tn,
fate of the philanthropist to be misun
derstood. But truth is my guiding
star, and if it leads me to ducks OF
destruction | shall follow it.
My financial views are of the mos
decided character, but they are no
likely, perhaps, to increase my popu
larity with the advocates of imitation O
contration. In do not insist upon tn,
special supremacy of rag money. Tn
great fundamental principle of my lif,
is to take any kind | can get.
The m that | buried a dead aun
under one of my grapevines is founded
upon fact. The vines needed fertilizing
my aunt had to be buried, and | dedi
Gated her to this high purpose. Doe
that unfit me for the Presidency? Tn
Constitution of our country does no
say so. No other citizen was ever con
sidered unworthy of the office becaus
he enriched his %grapevines with his re
l~ations. Why should l be selected a
the first victim of an absurd prejudice
l admit, also, that l am not a frien,
of the poor man. l regard tn
poor man, in his present condi
ton, as so much raw material. Cut IL,
and properly canned, he might be mad
useful to fatten the natives of the Can
nibal Islands, and to improve our ex
port trade with that region; Ishall rec
ommend legislation upon the subject i
my first message. My campaign CT
will be: "Desiccate the poor working
man! Stuff him into sausages!"
These are about the worst parts of m
record. On them | come before tn
country. If my country don't want m
| will go back again. But l recon
mend myself as n safe mana man VIII
starts from the basis of total depravity
and proposes to be fiendish to the las,