Weekly Trinity journal., 1876-05-06
SECRETARY TAFT.

]
the codntry, Judge Taft don't know any
thing about war. He never fred of a
two-horse lumber wagon. But be is de-
tcrmined to learn. The other day Grant
dropped in at the War office and found
his new Secretary deep among official
documents.
Posting yourself up, Alphouso -
said the President with an encouraging
smile.
Yes" said the Judge eagerly, 81
want to know everything pertaining to
;he business. have been running over
the disbursements Of the Department for
the last year, to see what was expended
for catapults."
For cata-what ?" said the President
Pa0s'"a' 90 he was about to strike a
match on his boot to light fresh vigo..
Catapults. You have them in the
army, haven't you ?" said the Judge, in
rather an uncertain tone Of voice.
The President smiled little, and said
they did have few left over from the
war, but he believed they had all been
used up. Then the Secretary said he
should certainly order some more made,
for he considered the catapult one Of the
most effective weapons in modern war
fare. "Thcy did great execution at the
scige Of Jerusalem, as | remember read
ing mused the Secretary, "and it is
doubtful whether Tiberius would have
been able to have reduced the city with
out them"
Grant looked at his new Secretary
through the cigar smoke few moments,
and then told him il he ordered any cat
apults he had better have them "riAed,"
with an unjustable muzzle-loading bayo-
net, and the Secretary made memoran-
dun to that effect.
Il see that considerable money has
been spent in experimenting With torpe-
does, J." continued the Secretary, looking
over the disbursements. That seems to
be a waste Of money, and it encourages Il
bad hNhit o"ous children. Serious ae-
cidents have frequently resulted from lit
tie boys throwing torpedoes under horses
feet on the Fourth OF July, and it ought
to be stopped"
The President allowed that the torpedo
wasn't Il thing to fool with, and the Sec
retary read on. Suddenly he jumped to
hi, feet, while the hot indignant blood
flashed to his very temples as he exclaim-
ed NO wonder the country is impover-
ishcd, and the taxpayer groaning beneath
his burden. Here while trade languishes
and the wheel of industry are clogged all
over the land, my predecessors has been
shipping luxurious deicacies to the garri-
sons of our forts, thinly concealed under
the term "shel." What does she'll
mean ? Shell oysters, Of course. That's
what it means. But they don't get any
she'll while | am Secretary. I'll settle
that"
THAT'S right" said the President.
"Ift they get any oysters, make them
Shell out for them, themselves :" and
then he added in an aside to himself,
"they would have to if they bought them
Of one Of Belknap's post traders"
Yes" continued the Secretary, "look
at the quantity OF grape on hand, classed
among Munitions OF war; What does
grape mean, and what is it for ?"
1t is to wash down the shell oysters
with, l suppose" said Grant with a
merry twinkle in his eye, which the
Judge didn't see.
That's it, exactly," cried the Judge.
"keeping the soldiers on wine and oys
tcrs, whiIo thousands or people are wan
deriug around in a hopeless search for a
free lunch. l tell you Lyssis, this is
scandalous ~
The President as he arose to go, said
he was glad he had a Secretary Of War;
at length, who was determined to look
into things and reform abuses, and eau
tioning him not to forget to havo those
catapults lined, he returned to the White
House with broader grin on his face
than any body had ever seen before
.Stturdoy NtgH.