Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1876-11-30
SENSE AND NONSENSE.

SENSE AMI NVNSESSEs
BETTING adjective--positive, hat; com.
parative, halter.
g A BET is the argument of a boaster,"
says the Boston IiraDe(Jer.
An observer notes that 90 all men are not
homeless" but some are home less than
others. al7HFs4AsA r i.
THE Chicago Adoance is warmly adro-
eating the right of woman to speak in
church. a&i.5i
THAT is rare manufacturer who goes
around these days without prize Centen-
nial medal in each vest pocket.
IT was three-year who remarked
that she didn't want to kiss her papa be-
cause he had fringe On his mouth
!" HAVE not, my son, given you every
advantage?" Oh, les; but | couldn't
think OF taking advantage of you, father"
TIE soul has gone out of tie torch-light s
The Oli-cape is hung in tAe~<
And the man who used to sport them st midnight
Is taxing rest III bis bed
THE ruling passion is strong. A Gin
cinnau man; very III of liver complaint,
declared that it was uncertain whether
he'd liver die. .--.....-.sf
A PETR1FIED honeycomb is the latest
Sacramento novelty. The combs are full
of honey-and wax and honey are turned
into solid stone.
WHAT this country needs to have right
off is religion which will make man
feel that it is just as. cold for his wife to
get up and build a fire. as it is for himself.
--Chfcag0 Journal.
SOME sharper advertised to furnish for
one dollar infallible instructions {" for Sc
curing the warm attention of a pretty
woman" The answer to applicants for
the secret was: "Step on her train"
AN American lady in London consigns
her body, by will, to the doctors for the
purpose of dissection, leaving by proyiso,
however, small fragment to any of her
1rlends who may want the same for pres
ervation.
THE great question that now arises is:
Can Turkey preserve her autonomy?n
A man may loose his teeth and be snatched
bald-headed without fatal consequences,
but if he loses his autonomy where is
he ?-Brook3gn Aayus. aF. a
THE champion scholar has turned up.
Being asked to sign his initials to a docu-
ment, he wanted to know ''what nishuls
Were" Why, your name being George
Gould, you want two G's." con, I see,"
said he and wrote '2-GeeZc." rs, ~
DIo LEWIS says that if a man will eat
oatmeal for year he will be able to lift a
horse. a man was found yesterday who
has lived exclusively on oafmcal for the
past five years, and yet couldn't lift an
oat. He tried il at the bank, and failed.
EDWIN" And now, darling, before we
part, how are we to keep our marriage a
profound sccret:" Angcline (promptly)
=" Nothing easier, Edwin dear. You
have only to behave to me as YOU always
have done, and nobody will suspect it,"
BEAUTIFUL women, says Martin Tup.
per, as everybody knows, are seldom fun
ny women. They are often severely witty.
but they have TOO much TO do in receiving
tribute to be jolly, and life to a beautiful
woman gets to be pretty serious thing
before she is twenty.
az DON'T mind sharing my bed with the
children" yelled a Chicago man to his
wife, the other night, ''but blamed if I
am willing to share with bread crumbsr'
Then the wife remembered that she had
enticed the little ones to sleep by giving
them each cruller.
A HAPPY Philadelphian led his two lit
tie boys into the room the other morning
to see a wee stranger who had arrived DUR
ing the night What do you think of
the new baby, Tommy ?'' Tommy screwed
his mouth around, and gave the startling
reply that 3" he ravver have caats-free
brue ones and free yeller ones" Papa
tainted.
A NEEDY politician called on his rerre-
sentative in the Assembly to endeavor tc
obtain some Government employment
The member proceeds to write a letter of
introduction: "This will introduce Mr.
Smith, who desires employment"
" Hold ont" cries the constituent g." Hold
on! It isn't employment l want; it's
Government berth!''
= Is THERE an opening here for an in
tellectual writer ?' said very red-faced
youth, with the cork of a bottle sticking
out of his breast pocket. The editor with
much dignity took the mans intellect in
and said: "An opening? Yes, sir; a
kind and considerate carpenter, foreseeing
your visit, left an opening for you. Turn
the knob to the right"
"THIs,' said the private secre tary to
the railroad manager, e" is a letter five
pages long from the editor of the Bung-
town Banner asking for some statistics and
miscellaneous information concerning the
road, which he desires to incorporate into
an article, soon to be published, that can
not fail to be of great interest to his read
ers and will possibly be of value to the
railroad. The circulation of the Banner
is" "Skip that" said the manager;
turn over to the postscript and see how
far he wants the pass for.''
On a cruise, the sailors saw a comet and
were somewhat surprised and alarmed at
its appearance. The hands met and ap-
pointed a committee to wait on the COM
mander and ask his opinion of it. They
approached him and said ''We want to
ask your opinion, Your Honor "Well,
boys, what is it about?" g We want 20
know about that thing up there.'' "Now
before | answer you, first let me know
what you think it is" "WeIl, Your
Honor, we have talked it all over, and we
think it is star sprung a leak. ."-Provs-
dence Journal
A YOUNG man from the frontier, stop
ping at one of our hotels, told the clerk
the other evening that he was going to be
out late. Just wait minute,'' replied
the accommodating clerk, and he rushed
off, but soon reappeared with a large en-
velope, which he placed in the guests
breast pocket, with the remark: " That
is bond for your appearance before the
Recorder, properly signed. As soon as
you are arrested for being drunk and dis
orderly, just give the bond TO the police
man, mention my name to him, and he
viii bring you home in hack. Good
night God bless youP'-SGn A1aton5o
(1er-) Herald.
THE NATIONAL GRANGE.