The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1876-12-20
An AFFLICTED BROTHER.
A q lEEEKER" MAN ISN'T NOW
IN HAMBLENf
70 ths editor q the Morrislown Gazette:

4H AdM0LAn
To the Editor of the Morristown Gazette:
Old Boreas blew a blast few DAYS
ago, that set me to wheezing and sneez-
ing, like a half-swinged cat. The last
cold snap makes a fellow feel like he
would almost vote for Hayes, could he
have had the pleasure of being perched
on the hump of q camel's back, crossing
the great Sahara desert. But part of
the time since the cold weather set in, it
seemed as if there was a dance, a low,
or an earthquake, and I know there has
been one of the most exciting contests
just closed-as Bill Arpi says" did
you say his name was Hayes ?" was
kicking up thunder in my Uranium. The
fact is, took cold, and fellow that is
satisfied with taking like that while any
number of Returning Boards are lying
around loose, utterly despised by ma
jority of half million of voters of the
United States.
/ haven't done much the last few days
but wait on the end of my nose, and
breathe through my ears If my nose
continues to dissolve with the same rap
idity which it has been melting, see
with certainty that some artificial snout-
builder will find on my bereaved coun-
tenance an excellent opportunity for the
exercise of his skill. My wife is to
blame for all, as usual-she's too thun-
dering smart. About every two months
that xvo,na0 - ea;1a1 NTH tho Dofso,,
that my undershirt is dirty and needs
washing. She persists in the foolish as
| sertion that shirt can't be worn two or
three months without getting dirty, in
spite of anything can say; and nothing
| pacifies her until she sees my head
emerging from the hind end of that red
flannel garment. I'm afraid she'll soon
want me to take a bath every four or
five months, and put on clean pair of
stockings every two or three weeks.
She's washed and scrubbed those shirts,
till there isn't particle left but two arm
holes. I've tried to brighten her with Bah
cock, Belknap, Grant s. Co, but then
| she throws up Grants first great speech,
About two weeks ago, l put on a pair of
those arm holes and caught cold through
them, and l have been sneeZing and
cussing the wash tub ever since.
However, the thing hasn't been bad
investment. I've accumulated enough
medicine to start drug store. One
| fellow sent me barrel of whisky and
| ordered me to take pailful three times
| day. l was favorably impressed with
that remedy. My wife frequently re-
| marked that took medicine with more
| regularity than any one she ever knew.
| didn't feel like the same man after
| taking a dose or two of that medicine,
| and after taking it a day, don't think
| ANYBODY would have taken me for the
same man. | was more timber and my
legs were funnier than 1 ever noticed
| them before. 1 couldn't tell whether /
was for Hayes or Tilden. SO / pulled
| off and tried to hear the news, whether
| HAYES was really the man. My nose be-
| came little dry, now, and l needed
some other medicine. Everybody l ever
| heard of, and every body who ever heard
| of me. have sent me an 'sinfallible rem;
edy." I've get squills and syrups, elk
| IRIS and candies, oils and extracts, essen
| ces and tOnics, balsams and compounds,
and croton oil or some other mixture,
that isn't satisfied without it can burn
! all my hair off or eat my hide up; and
| everything else known to medical sci
ence never heard of, nor never will.
Finally chap sent me half pound
box of blue mass, which l found out to
be King Wonder-if his name is Grant. ?
| So, III blow my nose and close. Yours
till 4th of March, 1877. MEEKER.