Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-07-21
Fl VINO e.

She had been fishing for trout very long
and patiently without catching any, when
her husband espiea her, and asked her what
sort of flies she used. ''Oh,'; she answer
ed, 'ssome nice ones that bought in Paris
on purpose" ssBut,' exclaimed the hus-
band, pulling out her line and looking at
the flies, ssthese flies willnever catch trout.
Who ever heard Of anybody fishing for
trout with flies Of this color?" "Why,"
replied the wife, they are all right--they
match my dress, you see!''
She, a sentimental widow, observing
some sea-gulls flying about the vessel, re-
marks: 'sWhat a charming subject for
poem--a swallow lost at scalp He, just
recovering from severe attack of sea
sickness, replies, looking at the subject
from his point of view: es, madam; but
there are so many swallows lost ut sea ~
She. chooses a. more sympathetic listener
during the remainder of the trip.
A demure-looking chap hailed a char
coal peddler with the query, "Have you
got charcoal in your wagon?" eyes, Sir"
said the expectant driver, stopping his
horses. ssThat's right" observed the de-
mure chap, with an approving nod; cal
ways tell the truth and people will respect
you!o and he hurried on much to- the re-
greet OF the peddler, who was getting out
of the wagon to look for brick.
esWhat on earth am 1 to do with that in
corrigible son Of mine ?" inquired an anx-
ious father of friend. "Dress him in
shepherds plaid.'' was the reply. "Why,
what possible benefit would that be?' de-
manded wandering parent.ss 1t would, at
least, be way of keeping him in check"
In the examination OF an Irish case for
assault and battery, counsel, on cross-ex-
aiming the witness asked him what they
had at the first place they stopped at. He
answered flour glasses of ale" "What
next ?' 1.-TWO glasses of Wine" ''What
next % "One glass OF brandy" "What
next % ga fight, of course"
Alexander Dumas is responsible for the
following On his first visit to the Salon
his attention was called to the superb por-
trait of the ethereally thin Sarah Bern
hardt as IL Etrangere." with her great
Russian greyhound lying at her feet. "Ah
yes, see,'' he said, thoughtfullv, ''a deg
keeping guard over a bone"
Plato says that philosophy consoles a
man in all trials; but we would have liked
to see Plato chasing a lawn mower about
his front yard and trying to produce d
pleasing impression on the girl across the
,,,o,, o1,o,,+ +ba fir,o fho n,acbiuo ctrucl, :,
stone and the handle took him in the pit
of the stomach.
And great was the fall thereof.-Sister
-"Well, you know, Bobby, your eyes very
inf1amed; you can't go out with Tommy
Brown till that speck of dust's out of it!7
Bobby anxious to be off IN all right
4 know it's out workmanship
Il thing I heard it fall"
eve go to press at two instead of four
to day. said Tennessee paper, lin Or
der to attend to some business of impor
tance in the country At precisely five
minutes before four, two heightened look
ing men with shot-guns called, and wanted
to know where the editor was.
IL COuuCl y luotu3 UPON v lelu1HS NOW l. VI
during the cholera, asked what that board
was put across the street for Upon being
told that it was to keep the disease from
spreading, he exclaimed, swell, I've Oft
heard of the Board of health, but | nevci
saw it before in my life.7'
A classical error.-The late lamented
Lempriere tells us that 10 WIS changed
into a heifer; but we have lately CLEANED
from physician S prescription the follow
ing piece of information respecting the end
of that young person: ''Io-dide Of potas-
sum-
Papa: Oh, don't talk Of it! How Oh
earth your uncle could have been such a
damned-'' {stops-the word was out be-
fore he noticed the child). Master Tom
my; ooh, don't mind me pa! It's an ex-
preston I often make use of myself!''
Customer-"How much for the lilies of
the valley ?" Florist-"Fiye shillings
bunch" Customer-''Too much" Flor
list (blandly}-"Well madame. if you will
have the lilies of the valley, you must pay
the yally of the lilies.'
[ clasped her tiny hand in mine; VOW
ed to shield her from the wind, and from
the worlds cold storms. She set her beau
teous eve on me, and with her little lips
said she. can umbrella will do as WELL"
A teacher, who, in fit of vexatioI called
her pupils set of young adders, on being
reproved for language, apologized by say
ang that she was speaking to those just
commencing their arithmetic.
A country doctor has mad his portrait
painted, and a local art critic declares that
YOU can feel saws and things rasping over
your bones and taste calomel, blue pill, and
quinine as you look at it.
A yankee, describing an opponent whose
person was extremely chin, says: 81 will
tell YOU what, sir-that man don't amount
to a sum in arithmetic; cast him up, and
there's nothing to carry"
Irate Landlady (warmly)-"Really sir,
this accounts been running so long"
Impeeunious Ledger (eooly)-''R Running,
has it2 Then, perhaps, it would be as well
to let it rest bit! !"
Richard Grant White says there is no
such thing as ''in our midst - but we would
like to know where he would locate the
pain that makes paragoric popular bever-
age among the young.
lsMiile. and it is yerself that can be af-
Cher tellin' me how to make ice-crame?"
eeIn troth can. Don't they bake them in
eowld ovens, to be shure?"