Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1876-05-12

Why, just that there is 2, 2,9S5 fools
In the city; that's az No one ever
reads the advertisements. I never
do, except the personals. Aas
But said his interlocutor, timidlv,
the advertisements are read.
Pooh! nonsense, stuff and nonsense!
retorted the old man; why, Pd put
half a columnin the Tribune and no
body'd ever answer the notice.
Don't tell me! and he smOte again
on the sidewalk.
I'd Well, said his interloeutor, Pll put
FIVE line ad into the Sunday Tribune
and; if you get an answer, you'll pay
for it. - --.f.-..,
Twill, young man and then you'll
be convinced that nobody reads the
advertisements.
,s.rre -s2tlaa II,
+ Please insert this in the Sunday
Tribune. How much Wilt be? ask
ed the young man, as, after waiting
two hours in the long line Of ad-
vertisers in the counting-room he at
last reached the advertising clerk.
y One dollar and sixty-cents, sir,
afably replied the clerk. In the
Sunday Tribune next day appeared
the following: .ga.uas uiza
uOUSEKEEPER4W 4WANTED-A WEALTHY,
umiddle-aged gentleman, childless widow
er, wishes to engage the services OF a young
American widow as. housekeeper. Address
Nv A Sss, fEi6ans office or apply to-day at 2ti7
IL -T1-T -l1s.JTTa 81 ID Li@oa"
% Early yesterday morning food
tide of young American widows
rushed up West Madison street.
There were from FIVE to fifteen on
each car, and the streets were black
with them.. The old man who
thought there was nothing in adver-
tising was at breakfast, with the
wife of his bosom, when there came
tremendous tug at the door bell.
Presently the servant girl entered
and said: There's lady upstairs
wants to see you, sir. Didn't she
give her name2 inquired the old
mans wife, who has an aqu1line nose,
over which the skin is tightly drawn,
and wears her. hair in ringlets as big
-or as smslI-as slate pencils. No,
rm'm, replied the servant. What is
she like? questioned the woman, with
a sharp look over her spectacles. A
young woman, MN dressed in black,
with red hair. o, one of the Sunday
school teachers, I 'spose, said the
old man, carelessly.a o, s'pose SO,
replied his helpmeet, with sniff.
The belIrang again. >. The old man
interviewed one widow in the front
parlor-there were four more in the
back parlor; two in ID the han, and
seven roosting on the stems, while
down the street, as far as the eye,
aided by the most powerful spectacle
could reach, more young American
widows could be seen. Whar the
vuftures is, thar will the careases be
gathered together, said the old man.
Then he added, refeetiEely, What'n
Jerusalem my happy home does all
this mean? So saying, he stepped
into the back sparlor, when his ears
were saluted, with a volley of cries
as four young American widows
pressed towards him; ] was here
first. She pushed me down the front
steps just as I was going to ring. the
bell. Her names Jemima Stubbs,
though she calls herself Elise Anna
bella De Courcy. Look where the
bran's leaked out Of her calves. She
paints. Them's pads. That's a
sweet widow; her husbands board
ing with FELTON, for 20S days. Then
the four widows pitched in for free
fight, during which, while the air
was thick with false teeth, crimps,
shair-pins, ISLANDER, pslpitators, bus
ties, bran, jute switches, and things,
the old man escaped, saying to his
wife that itiwas al "a horrid dream.
O, yes, a horrid dream; Pll herrid
dream them, said the old mans wife.
/ Presently young American wild
\ oW1 called, but the master was not at
phome, and the servant showed her
into the presence of the masters
wife. The masters wife was at first
inclined to repel her as an intruder,
but when the young American wild
ow showed her an extract from the
Sunday Tribune she changed the
current of her wrath. The old bald
/ headed reprobate, she remarked ;he's
wealthy, is he2 Middle-aged? The
bald headed old coot III never see 20
again; time he was thinking on
| worms, and sections, and sections,
| and golden harps, and things. Child
| less, eh? With thirteen children alive
and nine laid under the sods of the
4 valley. I'll ehildless him. WidoWer,
/ eh? That's what he wants, is it2 I'll
| be lively widow. Young Ameri-
can widow, eh? Here there was am
| other ring at the bell, and, seiziDg a
1 freshoyel, the devoted wife sailed
| forth into the midst of a raging sea
of young Amerfcan widows, and laid
them out right and left. I'll young
American widow'em, said she rehec-
| lively, as she returned. o, the
( scoundrell np lfiis q '1.i'f
.l' aiaf ll v. i'ed' .
The old man spent a very unpleas-
ant day at his Office tineluding a
restaurant dinner), and fabout 1918
returned home cautiously. Who
would dhaye thought,he said, thought.
fully, that the old advertisement had
so much life in its. Quietly he stole
up the 'front.' steps, noiseiessly he
hopehed the door, when whitegown-
ed figure appeared, and q broomstiek
descended on his baldest spot, while
a shriH feminine voice was heard:
| x 999, how's that for midle-aged
widowerY o, amt 3 nice dead
widow? Childless, too, amt your
Young American widows, ehg1 guess
| this old American wife is enough for
you, you gay Lutheran. -
u t'a ~. EPILoGUE. ear1g 81
X 999 is requested to call at the
Tribune and get Z bushels of letters
fmost of them on scented paper) TO
his address Chicag0 Tribune.
a TRYING ScENE.-The New Gas.
| tie people some time ago got q new