South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1876-03-24

~ "A Iit.ie girl Who had great kind.
ness OF heart for all the animal creation.
saw hen pre- airing to gather her chick.
ems under her, sheitering wings. and
shouted earnestly, ooh, don't sit down
on those beautiful birds, you great ugly
old rooster ~
IVA good story is told OF well
known real estate dealer with whom the
use OF business terms in his converse
tion became q second nature. lie was
widower with two children, and one
evening among q party of intimate
friends he laughmgly told Young lady
she had better marry him. .Well +
nave made up my mind to marry no one
ont widower with six children" repli.
ed she. land you have but two yOh
If that is ALL retorted he. all alive FOR
bargain, "fll pay on the usual terms
One third down, the balance in one.
two, three and four years
~ There is no special style of en-
craving engagement rings. A SPIDERS
web, with fly in it, is very pretty
device.
IVA bright little threc.year-old in
Hartford, having become little mixed
between her religious instruction and
her nursery rhymes, gravcly recites -
The Lord is my shepherd. and he lost
his sheep, and he don't know where to
find them"
\ SHREwD ASswER.-We heard Of
"A little incident the other day that oc.
CURED recently, not thousand miles
from Fairmont. One gentleman was
bargaining for q cow with another and
asked If she kicked? II neuer Eeeo a
Kicking co'c," was the response. The
purchaser was pleased with the cow
and the price, rs she was very fine
looking animal, and bought her. When
lie went to milk her, she kicked him O.
yer ana kicked Mt him when he was
down, then kicked him ont of the ward
and kicked the fence behind him. He
shortly after saw the seller and said to
him: Il thought you said that cow
didn't kick?" mo, sir, told You no
such thing" was the reply. Il told
you never keep kicking cow, and so
don't for when they kick, sell them.
sod that one to you" The purchaser
took the matter in good part, but we
venture the assertion that he will be
carefnlin dealing with that man again.
Did he tell lie or Fuilmom Tader
~ 1t was very embarrassing cir
cumstance, and it happened in n hotel
in Ripon. A man and his wife were
stopping there. The man was subject.
ed to severe attacks of collie, and was
taken sick there in the night. lie told
his wife that he must have immediate
relief or he could not live, thought n
mustard draft would relieve him. She
hastily robed herself, went down stairs
and found the watchman, who admitted
her to the dining room, and she spread
the mustard from a castor on her hand.
kerchief, and FASTENED up stairs. Find.
ing the door ajar she rushed in. turned
down the bed.clothes, and slapped the
mustard draft OH the unconscious mans
bowels. He instantly sprang mp in bed
and in a strange voice said Nv God 4,
madam, what are you doing?" She had
got il on the wrong man.
YEA certain Judge, whose pompous
and ofilcious ways tempted some Of the
lawyers TO act which his honor construed
10 mean contempt, fined them ten dol.
lars each. When they had paid their
fines, a certain dry and steady Going Oh
attorney walked mp to the bench aud
gravely laid down ter dollar bill.
What is that tor!' said tie Judge.
For contempt you honor" was the
reply.
Why. / have not fined YOU Tor con.
tempt" answered the Judge
II know that said tho lawyer. .but
want you to understand tina, cherish
a secret contempt for this court all the
time, and sm willing 90 pay fort"
t:y"But," said Mrs Bclknap, "if /
have sinned, others have doubly sinncd f.
il ] am guilty Of crimes others arc gull.
~ Of double crimes." That's business.
Let's have the names
~ Some eccentric person wants. nc.
cording 20 his correspondence in daily
paper, TO abolish shaking hands What
would he have? The boot?
~ 4 wicked boy, upon whose shout
ders his mother was expressing her re.
sentiment with both slippers, felt too
proud TO cry. and kept up his courage
by repeating 90 himself Two soles
that beat as ono "
CV"Tho Hartford CopTut remark e.
that the exposure Of General Bclknap' "a
iniquity is evidently regarded by the
Dmocratic press and party leaders as
the greatest windrall tho party has had
since the first battle Of Bull Run
EVYou think much 100 we'll Of me ~
man. No author can be as moral na
his works, as no preacher can he as pi.
ous az his sermoDs.-Richter.
tV'"Charlie, are you into that Jam
again NO. ma the lam is into me.