Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1876-06-14

thing, Harry (tmpressively) which all
soldiers must learn, and which very
much wish l could teach you-to do ex-
actly Is they are told. Harry (refiec-
won't mind that much
he always has to do it at home!
Mrs. SHODDY ito shopkeeper:) Show
me q thermOmeter-one of your very
best. Shopkeeper: This, a'am, is
one Of our finest-Venetian z, ass and
the best quicksilver. Mrs. S.: Silver?
That would be very nice for the kitch-
ing, but want one for my bOO-doOr.
Haven't you one with quick-gOld? (The
shOpkeeper is dumb stricken.)
A MUSICIAN, in calling the attention
of his house-builder to piece of music,
remarked that its pitch was the highest
he had ever seen.
''If you'll come upon the roof of the
house." said the builder, "yOull see
pitch great deal higher-for the roof
ers are just'nOw putting on the tar"
"YoU CANNOT keep me down, shouted
a somewhat windy orator at . public
meeting in New Bedford; "though i
may be pressed below the waves, rise
again; you will find that l come to the
surface, gentlemen" ''Yes," said an
old greaser in the audience, ''you come
to the surface to blow"
"COME, PETE" said q merchant to
gentleman Of the c0lored persuasion,
"what'n you put that load of wood into
the cellar for." ''In de fuss place, my
name is not Peter, sir; secondly, Pse a
prOfeshnal carpet cleaner and white
washer; furdermo, I doesn't compete
for sich jobs, sab ~
A LITTLE BOY, on returning home
from church, was asked by his mother
to give the text. After q thoughtful
pause, the little fellow replied, II don't
hardly remember, but it was something
about a hawk between two pigeons"
The text was, "Why halt ye between
two opinions?"
A POOR SOLDIER, whose person is sup
ported BY two wooden legs, was met by
q friend, who thus accOsted him:
my dear fellow, congratulate you
upon having two wooden legs"
"Why soy" said the veteran.
because you can never catch cold in
your feet"
SCENE in a horse-car-seats all Occu-
pied. Lady enters. Elderly gentleman
rises. Lady-"Don't rise. beg of you.
l much prefer you should keep your
seat, sir.'' "ShOuld be very happy to
accommodate you, madam, but l want
to get out here"
"MADAME," cynically observed gen.
tleman to q leader of fashionable society
in Washington, "woman doesn't seem
to be as much of a 'clinging vine as
she once was" ''rhat's because of the
extreme insecurity of the manly oak"
she replied.
ABAsHFUL young clergyman, recently
rising to preach for the first time, made
a terrible mix of it, announcing his
text in his wise: Sand Immediately
the cock wept, and Peter went out and
crew bitterly."-Oberlin (College) Re-
rietc.
HE SMILED beautifully, and said,
"How re Sarah 2" Sarah replied, 'Yo You
can't fool dis gal; know you. How's
your wife and family?" As he silently
walked away, he remarked to himself,
"Dat ar gal does know me-"
An AGRICULTURAL journal advertises
new washing machine under the
heading EVERY man his own washer
woman" and in its culinary depart
ment says that potatoes should always
be boiled in cold water"
CUSTOMER: How much for the lilies
of the valley? Florist: Five shillings
q bunch. Customer: Too much. Florist
(blandly): Well madame, if you viii.
have the lilies of the valley, YOU must
pay the vally of the lilies.
The chief difference between the nice
little Sunday school boy and the nice
little cannibal island boy would seem to
be that the former keeps a cent for the
missionary plate and the latter plate
for the missionary sent.
CARE you a Christians" asked one of
Mr.. MOody's assistants, at an inquiry
meeting, Of hard looking customer
who had taken a front seat. "NO," he
answered, sadly, ''I'm a plumber" 1t
was hopeless case.
AN EXCHANGE says: "We are in re-
ceipt of two poems, one on the 'ThrOb-
bing Brain" and other on Bleeding
Heart We will wait until we receive
one on the StOmach-ache, and publish
all three together"
"WHAT do you wear specks for, boy ?"
said an old gentleman to little boot
black who was polishing his CATERS.
"Cos," responded the boy, 81 puts such
shiney shine on gentlemens' boots it
hurts my eyes,"
"WHERE shall 1 put this paper so as
to be sure Of seeing it Tomorrow" in
Quired Mary Jane of her brother
Charles.
ION the looking-glass," was her
brothers reply.
We ONCE asked the veteran punster,
Catlin, why it was that a certain point
ON the Mississippi was called Maiden's
Bluff, ard he innocently answered:
because it's vergin' on the river.
Brooklyn Argus.
A New ORLEANS girl who had an offer
of marriage from Mr.. More, wrote
him note asking time to consider the
matter, and closed her communication
with, "No More at present"
A FASHION journal says "waists are
to be longer this year," but as long as
they are not broader, young men with
short arms will manage to get around
them.-NorristO,cn Herald.
SERvANT-s'Please sir, we amt got
no bread, and the baker says he won't
trust you any longer" Irate Hibernian
-"rhe name baste! No bread! Bedad,
then, must have tOast!"
"WHY don't we 90 to FlOrida?" says
Miss McFlimsey to an enquiring friend.
ssSimply because 1t is as much as we can
do to stay here, my dear!" Oh, times
why thy hardness!
A NEGRO was scalded to death from
boiler explosion, and on his tombstone
they chiselled deeply: "Sacred to the
memory Of our steamed friend"