Buchanan County bulletin. [volume] (Independence, Iowa) 1869-1891, 1876-12-15

bed with dispatch that night aud ou
at the back door, also,while the "out
ragged aud insulted public" surged il
the front way, breaking furniture
and windows in their righteous in
dignatlon as they came, and taking
off such property as they could car
ry when they went. And yet | can
lay my hand upon the book and say
that | never slandercd Gov. Hofl
mans grandfather More; I never
even heard of him or mentioned hin
up to that day and date.
| will state in passing, that the
journal above quoted from always
referred to me attcrward as "Twain
the Body-Suatchcr."
The next newspaper article that
attracted my attention was the fol
lowing:
A SWEET CANDIDATE Mark Twain,
who was TO make such a blighting speech
at a mass-mecting of the Independents
last night, didn't come to time A telc-
gram from his physician stated that he
had been knocked down by Il runaway
team and his leg broken III two places
suffering lying in great agony, Eand so
forth, and so forth, and Il lot more bosh
of the same sort. And the Independents
tried hard to swallow the wretched sub
terfuge and pretend that they did not
know what was the real reason of the
absence of the abandoned creature whom
they denominate their standard bearer.
4 certain man 1caS seen to rect into Mr.,
Teams hotel last night in a Jeastly state
OF intoricatiou. 1t Is the imperative duty
of the independents to prove that this be-
sotted brute was not Mark Twain him
self. We have them at last This Is Il
case that admits of no Sinking. The
voice Of the people demands in thunder
tone: "WHo Is THAT MANI
1t was incredible, for moment,
that it was my name that was coupled
with this disgraccful suspicion
Three long years had passed over
my head since l had tasted ale, beer,
wine or liquor of any kind.
1t shows what effect the times
were having on me when l say that
| saw myself confidently dubbed
"NIr. Delirium Tremens Twain" in
the next issue of that journal, with
out pang-notwithstanding | knew
that with monotonous fidelity the pa
per would go on calling me SO to
the very end.
BY this time anonymous letters
were getting to be an important
part of my mail matter. This form
was common:
How about that old woman you kikcd
of your promisers which was begging.
POI. PRY.
And this:
There is things which you have done
which is unbeknowens to anybody but
me. You better trot out few dolls to
yours truly, or you'll hear thro' the pa
pers from HANDY ANDY
This is about the idea. | could
continue them until the reader was
suricited, if desirable.
Shortly the principal Republican
journals convicted" me of wholesale
bribery, and the leading Democratic
paper mailed" an aggravated case of
blackmailing to me.
In this way acquired two addi-
tional names: "Twain, the Filthy
Corruptionist," and Twain, the
Loathsome Embracer"
BY this time there had grown to be
such clamor for an " answer" to all
the dreadful charges that were laid
to me, that the editors and leaders of
my party said it would be political
ruin for me to remain silent any long
cr As if to make their appeal the
more imperative, the following APP
peared in one of the papers the very
next day:
BEHOLD THE MAN. The Independent
candidate still maintains silence. Be-
cause he dare not speak Every accusa-
ton against him has been amply proved,
and they have been indorsed and rein
dorscd by his own eloquent silence, till at
this day he stands forever Convicted
Look upon your candidate, Independents!
Look upon the Infamous Periurer. the
Montana Thief! the Body-Snatcher!-
| Contemplate your incarnate Delirium
Tremens. your Filthy Corruptionlst! your
Loathsome Embraccr! Gaze upon him
ponder him well-and then say if you can
give your honest votes to a creature who
has earned his dismal array of titles by
his hidcous crimes, and dares not open
/ his mouth in denial of any of them.
| There was no possible way of get
ting out of it, and so, in deep humil-
iation, | set about preparing to Cans
wer" mass of baseless charges and
mean and wicked falsehoods. But
never finished the task, for the very
next morning a paper came out with
a new horror, u fresh malignity, and
seriously charged me with burning 4
lunatic asylum with all its inmates,
because it obstructed the view from
my house. This threw me into y
sort of panic. Then came the charge
of poisoning my uncle to get his
property, with an imperative demand
that the grave should be opened.
This drove me to the verge Of dis
traction. On top of this | was &C
cuscd of employing toothlcss and in
competent old relatives to prepare the
food for the founding hospital when
I was warden. | was wavcring-
wavcring. And at last, as due and
fitting climax to the shameless perse-
cution that party rancor had inflicted
upon me, nine little toddling chill
drcn of all shades of color and de-
grees of raggcdness were taught to
rush on to the platform at a public
meeting and clasp me around the
legs and call me Pal!
| gave it up. l hauled down my
colors and surrendered. l was not
equal to the requirements of Il gubcr-
Material campaign in the State of
New York, and SO / sent in my with
drawal from the candidacy, and IN
bitterness of spirit signed it, " Truly
yours, once decent man, but now
MARK TWAIN,
l. p, M. IT,, B. s., d. r., f. c. & l.. f.
The Shadow of an Ass.
The Greeks had a proverb which
ran thus: "To dispute on the shad-
ow of an ass" This took rise from