The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1876-05-25
" Jam down up, jam the Jam nee ,,an-vcr
lam, far a-j0W,
Jam where my jam is j0n-ing jan-er
Jam where the ju-i

tervals when the cloud of smoke lifted he
scanned the columns of his exchanges.
lie was surprised, more than that, panied,
to note the startling STORY of murder that
dlsf1gured every paper. Their columns
seemed to reek with gore, and when he
closed his eyes he found il easy to imagine
that they were printed with blood. No
man more than the Colonel had commended
the promptncss of his fellow citizens in
resentlng aftrOnt, himself had contributed
no mean share to the mortuary statistics of
the State; but brutal murder for base
plunder or any other ignoble purpose
shocked him. In every instance the vic
tim seemed to have been cut to pieces;
and IN all his wide experience the Colonel
had never known any of his friends, how
ever skilled in the use of the bowie, to so
completely carve up an opponent. In
TACT, many OF the murders would never
have been discovered but for the apparent
carelessness of the murderers, who had
lett here and there in the woods, the
ROADS, and the swamps, a hand, or foot,
piece OF leg, or an arm, which they
seemed to have been too reckless to Sc
crete with the rest of the body.
Another two weeks later, the citizens
of all the counties for many miles around
were in an uproar over their Coroners'
bills. All over the country the Coroners
were suddenly growing rich, and the Wig
lance Committees that were hunting the
mysterious assassins were, as the charges
for the inquests rolled up, almost moved
to turn their wrath from the murderers to
the Coroners. AT last the outcry grew too
strong to be quoted, and investigation was
resolved upon. By common consent
Eagleville was the place appointed, and
one day in the month of July great
throng of the inhabitants and all the Cor
oners assembled there. Each Coroner
brought with him, as proof of the legiti-
macy of his action, the remains upon
which his inquests had been held, and
there were some remarkable exhibits. One
enterprising man had held an inquest on
foot, and another, whose crimson clarion
proclaimed his bibulous propensities, had
put in big bill for sitting on an ear.
mot many of the cOroners had con-
tributed to the collection when the sur
geon i'll charge noticed that some of the
pieces seemed to be cOunterparts of others {;
and as more cOrOners laid down their
fragments, further similiarities served to
deepen what in his mind promised to be
an even more startling and wonderful
mystery than the murders themselves.
When the last piece had come in, and all
hands had repaired to the taverns to re-
fresh preparatory to the investigation, the
surgeon, with an ill-defned motive, set to
work to match the odds and ends, and as
he progressed it was impressed upon him
that the murdered men must have borne a
striking resemblance to each other, for
their parts seemed interchangeable. As
he kept on matching and matching, the
body grew, and the pile of fragments
diminished, until at last, when only a
great toe was lacking to complete the re-
constructed body, there was left of the
coroner's offerings one great toe and
nothing more; and having stuck this on,
the surgeon, with some feeling of pride in
his skill, but little knowing that uncon-
sciously he had cleared up the mystery,
placidly awaited the return of the investi-
gators; and they soon came, with Col.
Featherstock marching gravely at their
head. Stalking solemnly in through the
open door, the Colonel took one square
look at the body, and then, with that pro-
family which in periods of excitement
sometimes marred his otherwise classical
utterance, he burst out: John Junk
lessp"
1t was indeed he. Sitting happily on
a stone in the suburbs of Eagleville a
month before, tamping blasting powder
into hole in rock beneath his feet, he
had pounded too hard, the charge had ex-
ploded, and he had been blown all over
the country in the small fragments up
on which the reporters had based their
tales of murder and the coroners had
held their many inquests. Probably no
other man was ever so widely distributed.
You have heard of the man that was
blown into the middle Of next week.-Mrs.
was the man that was blown into the mid
die of several adjoining. counties.
"Of course" Mr.. Magufin concluded,
"this discovery relieved the coroners
from any suspicion of corruption, but it
also led to the passage of wholesome
law which has since been substantially
adopted in many States, namely, that no
Coroner should charge for an inquest un-
less he could produce certain quantity
of corpse."-N. Y. Sum-