The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1876-09-13

NoChlng pleaseS a thy SO much as to
;De mistaken for huckleberry, and if
he can be baked in a cake and pass
himself off upon the unwary as a cur
rant he dies without regret. ~
''That's what I call finished ser.
mon, - replied man as he was coming
out of church, "Yes, finished at last, -
replied his neighbor, ''though I began
to think it never would be-
Fond father to visitor my boy
knows a lot of Scripture. Now, Larry,
what did God make on the first day z"
Larry hesitates. Fond father points
upward in the direction of the chan
delier. 81 know, pa; he made gas! -
There is a grave digger's strike in
Liverpool, which threatens to extend
to her parts of the United Kingdom,
and as means of bringing the strik-
ers to terms, the board of health
gravely asks persons not to die for sew
eral weeks.
Now is the time for lovers to get
spoony over ice-cream, she taking a
few pretty dabs at his vanilla, and he
borrowing q tast of her chocolate.
This process inspires confidence in the
day when they will be throwing corn
| ed beef and cabbage across the table.
The melancholy days have come
when the merry, busy little fly, chilled
by the morning air, crawls under the
upper crust of the apple-pie, and IRA
dates the sullen pastry with the
CLEAN of his dying smile when you
turn back the crust to sprinkle in q
little more sugar.
When common school teacher in
Virginia found upon his examination
papers the question, SLOW does ship
at sea find it's latitude and longitude 7"
he arose to the occasion and promptly
wrote: sit finds it's longitude hot and
it's latitude kold.''
A farmer the other day, if the story
be true, wrote to a New York mer-
chant asking him how the formers
son was getting along, and where he
slept nights. The merchant replied
1'He sleeps in the store in the day time
l don't know where he sleeps nights
"What do you sell those fowls for 2"
inquired person Of a man attempting
to dispose of some chickens Of a ques-
tionable appearance. Il sell them for
profits,' was the answer. s'Thank
you for the information that they are
prophets responded the qnerist II
took them for patriarchs.'
Danbury has the champion patient
boy. He comes of a chronically- borrow
family. The ether day he went to a
neighbours for a cup Of sour milk,
"lhavn't gotanything but sweet milk, -
said the woman pettishly. ''I'n
wait till it sours,'' said the obliging
youth, sinking into chair.
a clergyman observing a poor man
by the roadside, breaking stones, and
kneellng, to get at his work better,
made the remark: s'Ah John, wish
| could break the stony hearts of my
hearers as easily as you are breaking
these stones.'' ''Perhaps, master, you
do not work on your knees,'' was the
reply.
The late DR.. -- did not satisfy
by his preaching the Calvinistic portion
Of his flock. ':Why, sir,'' said they,
''we think We dinna tell us enough
about renouncing our ain righteous
ness. ':Renouncing your ain right
| eousness - vociferated the astonished
doctor, II never saw any We had to re-
nOunce -
The other day a prominent newspa-
per man Of Norwich, who loves a Joke,
went into a hair-dresser's establish
ment and asked the price of carvings.
The proprietor brought out couple of
buffalo-robes, and said that perhaps
they would answer if the bald spots
were no larger than they appeared
from the ground.
''Suppose,' said an Iowa attorney to
witness to whom he was cross-exam.
lining, suppose sir, should tell YOU
that could bring dozen of your
neighbors who would swear that they
would not believe you under oath.
What would you say to that e. And
the witness replied, very pleasantly,
81 should say you lied.''
A tailor and his son were in the
| olden days doing a days work at
farmhouse. The prudent housewife,
to secure a good days work. lighted
candles when daylight began to fade.
The tailor looked to his son and said.
''Jock, confound them that invented
workin' by caunle.licht. cay" re-
piled young snip, ''or daylich,. either,
father
A New Jersey editor lost his best
gold pen and holder a few days ago.
After making a thorough search all
over the office, and accusing a dozen
tramps of its theft, he happened to
remember where he last placed it, and
bending down the top of his ear, dis
covered no less than fourteen pen
holders Of various styles which he had
lost during the past two years.
''Speak up!' is becoming as famil-