The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1876-09-30
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
LIIs REPLy.-''Wouldy you take me for twenty?
said young lady, who looked much younger
''Bless you, my child, said an admiring bachelor
''I would take you for life
The VERDIcT.-Mrs. Carr, of Quebec, hanged
herself with her false hair. The coroners verdict
was that the Carr was demolished by misplaced
''sWiteh. -
WOULDN'T GRow--FresIi-s'I wonder why my
moustache dosen't grow under my nose as well as
at the corners of my mouth Soph-"Too much
shade"
been invented in Boston. The articles have cop
per seat, sheet-iron knees, riveted seams and wa
ter-proof pockets to hold broken eggs.
PoAcHED.-'sAre these eggs poached?i' inauir-
ed q customer of colored restaurant keeper, at
an Alabama station. ''Yes, sab, - replied Sambo,
"Dey is-dat is, de chickens. wat laid 'em war. -
Oil wells are go thick in some parts of Pennsyl-
Yania that it isn't safe for stranger to venture
forth alone after dark without liberty-pole
strapped across his shoulders.
You MAY KNow.-When woman comes to the
door and calls after her husband, ''Hen-R-E-E''
finishing the last syllable in capital letters
you may know that she is not in a capital hui
NOR.
Another man, whose memory ought not to be
permitted to perish, is gone He lived near Fred
ericksburg, Virginia, and his father was kicked
out of a watermelon patch by George Washing
ton at period of life when George could kick
like a mule aud wore long twelves.
A man killed another mans dog. The son of
the man whose dog was killed, therefore, proceed
ed to whip the man who killed the dog of the man
he was the son of. The man who was the son of
the man whose dog was killed was arrested by
the man who was assaulted by the son of the
man whose dog the man assaulted and killed.
A lady of great beauty and attractiveness, who
was an ardent admirer of Ire land, once crowned
her praises OF it at porty. by saying, s'I think
I must have been meant for an Irishwoman. -
as Cross the channel, madam remarked Samuel
Lover, the novelist, who happened to be present,
"NIillions will say that you were meant for an
Irishman.''
The other day minister offered prayer at the
laying of first stone A young reporter hustled
manuscript of that prayer I" never write
ont my prayers, said the preacher. Is Well,"
said the reporter. '' couldn't hear word you
say" '' / wasn't praying to you, SIR" replied
the preacher.
AHAzED.-The following incident occurred at
Oxford, Georgia: A venerable divine was rid
ing along down the street, and saw youthful
son of Ham going down the street displaying
flag Of truce in the rear. The Doctor being near
sighted, supposed the African was about to lose
his handkerchief, and so called out to him. He
looked amazed, but, catching hold of the flag, re-
marked: ''Boss, dat an'kerchief is buttoned
round my neck
A young Partisan, noted for his grace and
readiness as a second in many duels was asked
by friend to accompany him to the mayors
Office to afhx his signature as q witness to the |
matrimonial registry. He consented, but when |
mayor was ready for the formalities, he broke
out Gentlemen, cannot this affair be arranged
Is there no way Of preventing this sad occur
renee ?''
In the Centennial Agricultural Hall there are |
two immense hogs, stuffed, each bearing placard
telling its age and weight, and with the name OF
the man who prepared them for exhibition, fol- |
lowed by the word "taxidermist. A man and |
his wife were looking at these with great interest
After reading the placards, the woman said; |
"Why, these are taxidermists. / thought they |
were hogs" Her husband looked at the Great |
ures with puzzled expression, and then went |
carefully over the placards, if to satisfy him.
lffully on the point. Finally he replied, ''They
are hogs. Taxidermist is the name of the place
they came FROM"
In the north part of the city, as veracious
reporter reports, young lady and young man
into n contract. For each shooting star he is
to receive kiss. On one of these interesting
occasions q half-hour passed away and not
solitary star shot across the sky. But after
while the cherry lips of the young lady parted
and she called her young mans attention to the
Rying meteors that were about to escape his OBJ
servation then she got to calling his attention to
the lightning bugs, and finally got him down to
steady work on the light of q lantern man was
carrying about the depot where the trains were
switching Artless girl
ENJOYING THE EVENING. 1t was IN Iowa. They
were sitting the front porch enjoying the even
ing air and gazingat the canopy of heaven, thick
" studded with stars. Chow incomprehensible,"
exclaimed Mr. Posonby ' is the vastness of nature.
Each glittering orb Of the myriads we now be-
held is a sun more glorious than our own and the
center Of grand planetary system, and their CEN
ters in their turn reyolye around other centers
still more magnificent. How wonderful are the
eternal laws which hold this universe of worlds in
their unchanging orbits, and" 81 Yes said
Mrs. Posonby, sand the man didn't bring us half
enough ice to-day, and I'm just certain that cor
ned beef will spoil before morning. Did you or
der those mackerel to-day?''
4 Young man in the Sixth District had parted
his haxen locks IN the most impartial manner; if
there was a hair more one side of his head
than on the other the difference could not be OBJ
served He had a tolerably good tenor voice,
and he had mastered new song. The moon
light shone brightly down on the greensward in
front of the residence which held the maiden of
his heart The youth crept softly up the side
walk and let out his soul in melody: Darling,
I'm waiting for thee, waiting for thee" He had
hardly completed the second chorus when win
dow blind was cautiously opened, something white
was seen by the light of the moon, and an oldish
voice, not in harmony with the mnsic, said: 'It's
all right, young man, but you needn't wait any