Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-06-09
H-UMOR.

Norman M'Leod was ce.preaching in
district in Ayrshire, where the reading of
sermon is regarded as the greatest fault
Of which the minister can be guilty. When
the congregation dispersed, an old woman,
overlooking with enthusiasm, addressed
her neighbor ibid ye ever hear ony thing
sac gram .Wasna that a sermon ?" But
all her expression of admiration being met
by stolid glance, she shouted, "Speak
woman! wasna that a sermon ?" ooh. ay,''
replied her friend, sulkily, "but he read
it, s'Read it ?'' said the other, with indig-
nant emphasis, + wadna hae cared if had
Whustled it.''
The other day Detroiter who has a
good record Of army service took down his
revolver to shoot cat which had been
hanging about the house. After looking
at HIM while he fired six shots, the cat
walked away. While he was loading up
for more destruction, the shooters small
boys inquired, 'sFather, did you ever kill
any one while you were in the army ?' II
suppose SO, my son." After a long pause
thS boy continued, ''Then you must have
got near enough to hit 'em with an axe,
didn't you ?" 1t was then discovered to
be about school time.
He isn't six years old and he said
"PIease sister Sarah, can't have another
piece of that nice custard pie you made ?''
"Why, dearey, you are too full for ut
terance now, look at that lucious dump
ling on your plate not half eaten" ssOh,
well, sister, [ know the dumping side of
my stomach is full, but the custard pie side
feels rather empty yet" That other piece
Of pie is missing.
A doctor went out West to practice his
profession An old friend met him on the
street one day and asked him how he was
succeeding in his business. First-rate," lie
replied, EI've had one case.'' "Well, and
whae was that?" cit was BIRTH" said
the doctor. "How did you succeed with
that?" "Well, the old woman died, and
the child died, but think 1 can save tie
old man."
SINUS brace up" said Sozzle, as he stood
on the doorstep at A. NJ; '''ll never do let
OIL lady 'spect anythin';;"' and, as Mrs. S
descended the stairs, Clad in her robe de-
matt, Sozzle braced up, knocked the ashes
off his cigar, and, as the door opened, said
cheerily, ''Hullo, Mira (hic) up vet? Got
match in yer pocket?" Of course, she
did not suspect anything.
An old gentleman at Sleepy Greek, has a
one Of his ancestors hundred years ago.
They are made of homespun cloth. except
the SEAT, which is covered with thick
leather, from which it is inferred that the
original owner was either book agent, an
Insurance agent, OF lightning-rod man,
we don't care which.
An illiterate preacher in Illinois i'm.
proves upon the ordinary version of the
Holy Scriptures by sermonizing on the
text, "First cast the bean that is in yer
own eye, and then you'll know how to cast
out the oats that is in his'n." This prob.
ably rendered rendered the command more
effective in the agricultural districts.
A Towanda, Pa, sign reads thus: ssJohn
SmitI--teacher of cowtillions and other
dances-gramar taut in the neetest man
uer-fresh salt herrin On draft-likewise
Godfrey's cordial--rutes sassage and other
garden truck-N. B. A bawl on friday
nite-prayer meetin chuesday also saline
singin by the quire.
A Detroit woman being found in tears
was asked the cause. s'Don Pedro is COM
ing" said sheas she checked her sobs, sand
he'll probably get here on Monday, and
I'll have to wash that day, and can't see
himi Ali the kings and queens and circu-
ses always get here on wash day!
Somebody gave Paddy McGrath a pick
led egg yesterday, Paddy bit it in two,
opened his mouth, made face and said :
ssBe me sowl, I'll go before ony ledge OF
jury in the wurreld an take me oath that
the hin that led that egg had the dyspipsy
'or heartburn.
Fond mamma about to get into her car
rage to small boy in the house door
snow, Freddie are you not going to kiss
me % Freddie: 81 haven't time to come
down, mamma. TO footman) John, you
kiss mamma for me.'
An Illinois minister announced on his
Sunday night bulletin: "The funeral OF
Judas Iscariot.' To which an Sbliging
fellow added: "Friends of the deceased ars
cordially invited"
Lots of able-bodied young ladies are off
all day hunting for trailing arbutus,
whose parents haven't got a spoonful of
horse-radish in the house.
Now is the time to hang rubber boots in
the garnet and use them as wall pockets
for weather stripes and coal shovels.
Said justice to an obstreperous prison
er OH trial: f'We want nothing but silence,