The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1876-03-17
Humorous.

bal temper? When it is put out.
What keeps Lent the Longest and best?
Money! Evening Telegram.
How to make good thing last-make
everything else frsI.-[New York Com.
mercial Advertiser.
The trouble with General Schenck is
too many Antes; with General BelKnap
too many posts.
Belknap has never been an officer Of
the regular army. and he is not a West
Pointer. He's a sort Of dispoinier.
An author says that one Of the uses
of adversely is to bring us out. That ia
true, particularly at the knees and Ell
bows.
Ii was Archbishop Whately who an
nounced that Noah's ark was made OF
gopher wood. while Joan Of Arc was
maid of Orleans.
A recent marriage notice ends with
the singular expression. probably added
by a waggish friend: MAY their future
troubles be little ones"
John LinVer and Joseph Halt are to
walk a match at Savannah. We don't
see how such men can make good time
I Detroit Free Press.
There ia one man in Philadelphia
who does not expect TO make fortune
this year. His funeral will take place to.
morrow.-[Norristow Herald.
Mother-"Charlotte. how do you like
your new teacher" Charlotte 40, she's
a splendid teacher. She dom care whe,h-
er we know our lessons or not"
II a young lady wishes a young gen
ileman to kiss her, what papers shonld
she mention? No Spectator, no Observer,
but as many Times as you please.
An Iowa house Of wor-hip is called
'tear-down church." There is one
over in Brooklyn, that by a double
shuttle Of speech, might be called the
break down churchill New York Her.
aid.
Why should the beehive be taken as
symbol of industry? Not bee is to be
seen all the Winter long. while the
cockroach IL up at FIVE o'clock in the
morning, and never goes to bed till mid
night.
At a social hop in Anderson county,
KY, recently, two gentlemen and two
ladies were shot and killed. There is
such a thing, it will be observed. as be-
ing too Internally sociable.-[ Rochester
Democrat.
Old Sam B, a carpenter Of Tren-
ton, was engaged TO build fence, and
was consulted as to the best material for
posts. Locust, madam. locust; the darn
ed stuf will last life time; I've tried
um twice"
IL is said that the old Romans also
loved Office, but they never had the feel
ing which an American constable has
never felt that their shoulders carried
over half the burden of government
Detroit Free Press.
A bright little three. year old IN Hart
ford. having become little mixed be-
tween her religious instruction and her
nursery rhymes. gravely recites: "The
Lord is my sheperd, and He has lost
His sheep, and He don't know where to
find them"
The day has gone bv, according to the
Detroit Free Press, when you can chain
q grasshopper to an astronomers teIe-
scope, and make the star-gazer believe
that he has discovered a new breed VI
horses in the moon.
At r collection made at charity fair
a lady offered the plate to a rich man
who was we'll known for his sting inpss.
II have nothing" was the curt reply
"Then take something. sir" said the la
dy; "you know ] am begging for the
poor"
The following new scale OF postal rates
has been cent us by a correspondent:
A One-cent stamp for a circular.
two-eent stamp for q newspapair,
A three-cent stmp for a sealed Iettair,
All licked on In the right cornair,
Lick, brothers, lick with care,
On the right hand side, not every where,
Unless you want the pOstmaEtair
To make things hO., and Heuss and swear
A Sunday school speaker the other
evening used the word abridgement, bat
Immediately pulled up and remarked
that as some Of the younger scholars
might not know its meaning. he would
say that il was n synonym Of epitome.--
The members OF the infant class were
affected TO tears.-( Norwich Bulletin.
A North Carolina negro thought he
could Outrun a locomotive the other day
on the Air Line road, and when he pick
ed himself up, after being thrown TWEEN
ty feet and landing on his head, he said:
"Yer don't ketch dis yer chile doin' dat
aRin. It's a right smart wonder didn't
tear dese britches clean off,"
When you go to n theatair, where a
fussy ushair, with centrally parted hair,
and flowers in coat COLLAR, seats you in a
chair. which belongs to anothair, who
comes late in great Angair. and with
eyes Of lurid CLAIR. calls you an intru-
daIr, rush to the mAnaRair, and after a
gushing swair, he'll scalp that young
ushair, with the centrally parted hair,
and the rosy coat COLLAR.
In the Rondout Methodist Church, on
recent Sunday morning, the usual
donning of overcoats was proceeding
amid considerable confusion. but had not
been completed when the pastor aroae to
pronounce the benedictiOn. lie paused
n moment, and said: Brethren, gnes'
! will put on my overcoat hereafter dur
ing the benediction, 40 As not TO lose any
time"
To PREVENT ACCIDENTS TO RAIL,
ROAD TRAINs-To prevent the acci.