The Andrew County Republican. [volume] (Savannah, Mo.) 1871-1876, 1876-08-03
The Woman Who Had n Chance.
Correspondence Of the New York Mercury.l

Correspondence OF the New fork Mercury
In view Of the great Centennial
Fourth of July, Mr.. Simon Jones, of
Galloway County, Missouri, thought he
would take a holiday from farm work
and celebrate 1t in a mild and suitable
though selfish manner without his wife's
assistance. He knew Mrs. Jones would
notapprove Of it II he presented the sub
ject in a plain light; $ % he gave it an
agricultural aspect.
"No farmer gets rich in these parts
except he watches powerful close, and
the thing that needs the most watching
just at this time is corn-plows," was the
preliminary remark to his wife.
"And | 'spect you want to spend all
the money on the place a-buying some
new patent or other. That's the way,
Simon Jones. Then you're always a.
meeting them Cane Checkers when you
go to town to buy any thing; and
then, about the only thing you buy is
whisky"
"Ain'tI a sober man, Martha JonesP"
he demanded in a very solemn tone.
%Solemnity is made TO do duty for hon.
esty all over the world. Mr.. Jones
knew the effect of solemnity, but Mrs.
Jones was not to be captured by it this
time.
"Nobody said you were not sober,
and if you just stay at home and pillow
corn you're a-going to keep sober"
"That's the way with wimen, Martha
Jones; they can't vote nor hold Office,
so they amt got no patriotism. I'd like
to know what sort of n country this
would be if wimen had the runnin' of
itP"
"There's c%orn-plows a-plenty on this
place; the only trouble, they don't get
used enough. Now, Simon Jones, you
can go to town and buy every thing you
see there; but I'm a-going tool"
"Well, go, Martha go and kill them
mules pullin' that heavy wagon-go, if
you want to-"
81 am a-going, if live. You can't
make me swallow down all this corn
pillow business on the Fourth of July. !
fnow all about it; you've planned to go
%gallivanting of to some picnic and leave
your poor wife at home"
Here Mrs. Jones buried her face in
her apron and the matter was settled
instantly. Simon surrendered. Mrs
Jones was clated with her triumph, and
wickedly determined that she would
enjoy to the full the results of her first
domestic victory. When Mr.. Jones
came to the door with his mule team on
the morning of the Fourth, Mrs. Jones
came out in a calico dress and q pink
s%un-bonnet. Mr.. Jones saw her evi.
dent want Of patriotism with n dissatis.
fled eye.
"Couldn't you fix a little for the
Fourth of July?"
go, amt ! fixed nice enoughp
knew it. You're ashamed of me, Simon
Jones! am not agoing now at all
and that's just what you wanted all tn,
time"
"No, no, | want you to 60 and enjoy
it," which was not a word of it thu
truth. "But I think you ought to b,
better fixed than that for the Fourth o
July;'' and that was the truth.
r 1t took a good deal of judicious per
suasion on the psrt of Mr.. Jones t,
: keep his wife's face out Of her apron
again; a thing he particularly disliked
But, after some skirmishing, they Sc
out for town and the Fourth of July.
Mr.. Jones knew that his wife woslt
l want some money when they got t.
town; for he had experienced the fac
that women are habitually unhappy i
4 they haven't money at hand, be it eve
so little. So, like q prudent man, HI
t drew from the family bank money suf
ticient for their patriotism. He had il
his wallet two bills, n of the denomi
i nation of twenty dollars, for his owl
a use the other n one dollar note for hi
wife. 1t was not q fair distribution o
the family funds, whether for patriots
or any other use but Mr.. Jones studio,
e domestic economy. In this case, how
ever, there was one lesson wasted.
Before they reached town Mrs. Jonc
asked for money, as was expected. Mr.
Jones intended to show the contents O
: his wallet, and, of course, give her tn
one dollar note; since no woman in o
out of Missouri has occasion to be pa
triotic on the Fourth of July to tn
amount of twenty dollars. The matte
has never been satisfactory and clear t
l. Mr.. Jones yet; although he speaks i
forcible terms of the "cussed mean
v ness" of his mules. The mules nigh
: have been to blame, for Missouri mule
are peculiar. But when fire-cracker
d began to pop suddenly in the rear @
their wagon, even ~superanuated oil
n Confederate mules would have don
IS what Mr.. Jones's mules did-kick on
G their contempt for all such paltry pr
triotism, and then run away. In tn
g activity of that runaway, Mr.. Jone
r gave his wife the wallet, and she, {
.. course, took the money intended fc
h her. So when things-that is, the mule
le were quiet, they entered the town
triumph.
"a When the mules had been secured
III hitched Mr.. Jones went at once in pu
e suit of new corn .plows. Mrs. Jone
not being agriculturally patriotic, wei
u to a milliner's. Mr.. Jones met o
friends living on Cane Creek, and
~ corn-plows were what they needed, to
% the whole party went in pursuit of tho
". useful implements. Before buying thu
a agreed to ask the captains advice.
VI is a common thing to do that, althoul
.. the captain is not a farmer, and his a
VI yice ia linuid. Put they all tnok ri