Litchfield enquirer., 1876-12-07
SUNB7 AMS.

SUNB AMS.
 A head wind-A sneeze.
 A high toned man--A tenor singer.
 The first thing in boot is the last
 Pantaloons this Fall will be wide enough to tie back.
 A western man who bit As neighbours nose of was bound over to keep the piece.
 A Philadelphia woman swore that her husbands conduct was enough to "rrigate an angel" .-.r..... ..g-~ A blind mendcant wears this inscription round his neck: "Don't be ashamed to give only halfpenny. can't see."
 "Peter," said mother to her son, fare you into those sweetmeats again "No, mann; them sweetmeats is into me-"
 A man is 1850 times as large as the common honey-bee, and yet it is useless to try and argue the matter with the bee.
 Shoe dealer-aI find we have no No. 19 shoes, but here is pair of large nines." Customer-"Nines! Do you take me for Cinderiller ["
 It is calcuated that only one tobacco chewer out of fifty knows how to expectorate clear of his necktie, and he is generally hump-backed. ..
 Mrs. Beecher says it's all right; but she pays no heed to Henry Wards agonizing words, @Well, then, why not gimme back my night keyf" ......
 Little girl-"O, see Johns cutting the sparrowgrass l" Little boy-"Ho, spar rowgrass Faint sparrowgrass; it is sparagus grass"
 A Troy man cussed and tore and threw away silver nugget worth $50. which some one expressed him. He thought it was cobble stone. z 4LI s|E. '. ~ "Trim your end of the boat, will you!" shouted the captain to Paddy in the bow. "Shure, I'll thry, captain" replied Pat, "but it's trim-end-ous hard matter to do it"
 "A wife in Wyoming walked eleven miles to buy her husband crockery spittoon painted blue, and when she got home he licked her for not having clean shirt ready. @ *#z j
 A party of naturalists were very much amused one day last week by the spectacle of a Wisconsin potato bug jerking an ox- cart around ten-acre field in order to get up an appetite. s.$-4a-s7 -s7 r
 Precise old party-s'C -s'Conductor, do, pray, get on. I've an appointment-" Con- ductor-"An right, sir! Now, look alive, Bill; here's hold g mt wants to meet his young 'ooman." #f
 Sixteen Chinese women were sold at auction in California inc other day, only Chinese being allowed to bid. Eight dollars f1,n nd oSao anlH fOve sixty-fve cents, her nose being out 0k plumb. I A little boy in Springfield, after his cus- tomary evening prayer, night or two ago, continued, "and bless mamma and Jenny ment's pause, the explanatory remark, "his name is Hopkins"
 Mysterious are the ways of Providence. James Hewett, of Hylestown, N. J., while distributing tracts on Sunday, was struck by lightning and killed; while three boys, | who went boating on the river, didn't even 1 get their clothes wet
 ~I say, Sambo, where did you git de shirt studs7" sIn, de shop, to be sure." "Yah, you just told me you hadn't no money" "Dat's right" "How did you git dem denf'' sWell, saw on a card in de win- dow collar studs,' so I went in and collared dem."
 A Brooklyn sick girl cleared space around thirteen ears of green corn at one meal the other day, and, picking the frag- ments from between her teeth with hair l pin, observed: aIf ever get well enough again to eat much, I think could live on corn"
 | He had very promising boil between the shoulder blades, and his wife who was | young and beautiful, and could play on the harp, but hadn't nursed much in the hospitals, put 8 mustard Plsster on it. A. lawyer subsequently explained to him that they didn't grant divorces for such causes in this State.
 While boy in Jay street was trying to fix an invalid watch on the front steps, Wednesday, his mother called him to get some water, and an old hen came along, and, mistaking the handspring for worm, she managed to make way with it, and then swallowed several wheels. Thursday she commenced to lay scrambled eggs, and she has produced one day ever since. 1 A meek-looking stranger was sitting on the station platform, reading newspaper last evening, when he suddenly let it fall from his hands, and burst into tears. aWhat is your grief, my dear sirfs hastily asked an astonished and sympathetic by. stanGier The afflicted man looked up with eyes streaming. Stranger" he gasp ed, sdo you know that there haint single | sx-President alive T" and again he bowed his head and wept.
 ll l.n A young merchant called on lady a
 few evenings since, and was shown into the l parlor. The lamps were unit and just
 before the lady's appearance he removed a
 large quid of tobacco from his mouth and j threw it out of the window, as he supposed. The lady appeared with the lamp, and the
 most prominent object in the room was a
 a big chunk of tobacco pinning the lace } curtain to the unopen window. IT le, l. He was finely dressed young man, and
 he handed a boy bundle and bouuet
 and said: "ANow, bub, look sharp. Take
 this boquet to Miss -, at No. IT - street, and take these two shirts around tc
 the laundry to be washed. Don't make c
 mistake, now" sYou bet" replied the boy
 - street and handed the shirts to Miss
 -, and said: sYour feller sent them, witl his compliments.n The young man sought
 to explain matters, but the young lad1 : clinched her hands and said that hel letters must be returned or there would bt '. l. a lawsuit
 3 The steamer Fanny was coming dowr the upper Mississippi loaded with pig lead a l As she was going over shoal place th, pilot gave the signal to heave the lead . The only man forward was green Irish ! man. sWhy don't you heave the leadf' sIs it the lead. yer honor2 Where tol' . sOverboard, you blockhead." The Irish man snatched up one of the pigs of lsas ? and threw it overheard. The mate, in on ! deavoring to prevent him, lost his balanc [ and fell into the river. The captain. run g ming to the deck, asked: sWhy don't yol F heave the lead, and sing out how mucl s water there isf" sThe lead is heaved, ye !. honor. and the mates gone down to 50