South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1876-05-26
WIT AND HUM<1R.


ga little girl in Iowa went into a
store to buy ''totten flannel" but could
not say how much she needed. .What
DO you want it for?'' said the clerk
NJ ant to make papa a shirt" "Well,
nov org is your papa; is he a. big as
mes big as you," said the little mai.
den, Il dess he is he wouldn't be much
OF q papa IL he wasn't"
1Thats goea batter said Shrimp 10
HE Boarding mistress the other morninu
as he transferred half there was ON the
plaee TO hot biscuit. .Yes." said she.
cycling him sharply, that butter cost
me thisty.eight cents apouud." Well.
said ne. scooping the remainder on TO
another biscuit "ies worth It."
~ He isn't six years old, and he said
Please, sister Sarah, can't have ano.
Their piece of that nice custard pie YOU
NADER" "Why. deary. you are too full
for utterance now. Look at that lus.
cious dumping on your plate not half
eaten" ''Oh, we'll, sister, I know the
dumpliny side Of my stomach is full.
but the custard pie side feels rather
empty yet" That other piece OF pie is
missing.
~ Fond mamma about to get into
carriage to small boy in the house door
NOW. Freddie. are you not going to
kiss me?" Freddie-"I haven't time to
come down, mamma. ITO footman)-
John. you kiss mamma for me-" rra.
bleau.)
'@ Two tramps stopped at the house
OF 2 lone widow in Westchester county.
and one went in to beg. Very soon he
came out with a bloody nose and black
eye. Did you get anything, Jack9"
Eyes. growled the sufferer, "pve got the
widows might
"A Towanda, Pa. sign read thus
John Smith-teacher of cowtillions and
other dances-grammer taut i'm the meet.
est manner-fresh salt herrin on draft
likewise Godfeys cordial, rutes and
other garden truck. n. B.-A bawl on
frida nite-prayer meeting chuesday,
also same singin by the quire."
@When she struck him over the
head with a tin dipper for trying to kiss
her, he called it Standardization of
the BELLE
1An illterate preacher in Illinois
improves upon the ordinary version of
the Holy Scriptures by sermonizing
from the text: First cast out the bean
that Is IN yer own eye, and then You'll
know how to cast out the oats that is i'm
his'n." This probably rendered the
command more effective in the agricul.
tural districts.
10 Is it becoming to me?" asked she
as she paraded III the costume of one
hundred years ago, before the man who
Is not her lord and master, but is her
husband. Yes, my dear" said he.
meekly. Don't you wish could dress
this way all the timer" she asked. mo.
my dear he answered, "but l wish Won
had lived when that was the STYLE"
IL calculation has been made that
it will take visitors five months TO 90
through the Philadelphia show. Tba,
may be, but it won't take Philadelpbia
hye hours to go through most of the
visitors.
VIn Baltimore the other day an old
apple woman offered her fruit to a YES.
sci captain, who was signing over tho
good times of 1874. She wanted three
cents apiece for her apples. He gave
her pleasant look and said:
We'll. well. Why you look asyoung
as you did ten years ago Same bright
eyes and red cheeks same white teeth"
lake one for two cents, Captain"
she replied.
presume yon are fifty years old" !
he continued, "but who'd know il? Lots
OF ladies at thirty look as old as you do" |
Take an apple for a cent. CAPTAIN"
she answered, smiling like n rose.
Some rich old fellow will come along
some day, searching for bnxom wife 3
said the captain, land you won't have |
to peddle apples any more"
Here, Captain. two for a cent, take
two of the biggest - she exclaimed and
then ran after him and dropped two more
into his oyercoat pocket.
tV That was a shrewd girl. and not
devoid Of sense either. who remarked
when other girls were making fun Of
her short skirts, and affected 90 be much
shocked at the exhibition thereof AZ n
party IF you'd only pull mp your
dresses about your neck, where they
ought TO be, they'd be as short as mine -
She was not troubled any more.
W lie was n new boarder. AS he
helped himself for the fourth time 10 the
steak. the landlady timidly suggested
"You are fond OF steak?" II don't |
know rs I'm particularly fond Of IT," no |
gru'iiy explained, "but eat il If il is ON /
the table"
~ II is said there are no bed bugs |
in Nevada, and but few beds.
~ An old darkey, preaching divinity |
10 his less informed brethren. said -