The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1876-12-09
VARIETY.


A lawyers wife ought to be named Sue or
You-fee-me-ah.
Whenever we pass Judgment upon ourselves,
the prisoner is sure to be well defended.
1t is a great misfortune not to have mind
enough TO speak well, nor judgment to be silent
hence the origin OF every impertinence.
All men are better than their ebullitions of
evil, but they are worse than their outbursts of
noble enthusiasm.
Said lady to her husband, My dear, what
is cotton duck?" "Oh,'' said he, carelessly
a. kind of canvas back"
Connubal Bliss-A henpecked husband de-
elared that the longer he lived with his wife the
more he was smitten by her.
There is nothing more truly insinuating and
deferential than the waggle of little dogs tail in
the presence of a big dog with bone.
The Woodruff has obtained divorce from
her husband, because he practices what she
breaches.
London Fun: g To what length may widow
go when she desires new parent for her children?
She may 60 one step-farther !"
This is not from " Daniel Deronda - She
was plump and beautiful, and he was wildly fond
of her. She hated him, but, woman-like, she
stroye to catch him. What was he A flea. .''-Ex.
A correspondent asks us what portion of the
ear is called tho 90 lobe" 1t is the portion
which your parent used to grasp when he led you
gently out to gaze upon the handsome proper
tions of the neglected woodpile.
More Trouble on the Mexican Border, - reads
Mrs Jones' " How do pity those poor women.
| never had such a bother as / did with che
Grecian border Of my last dress, and Mexican
border;must be much more troublesome"
George Eliot can husk great thoughts and
trash philosophy, because she has had lifelong
leisure to give her whole mind to it, and never
paid the least attention to Mr.. Eliot when he
l.. Il 49, rEa.e ht,tk
his pantaloons. Bazar.
Mr. William Black, in the September GaLary,
tells of sailor who, coming on deck in the En-
glish Channel a voyage homeward from the
Mediterranean, and finding himself surrounded
with driving sleet and fog and East winds, re-
marked ' Ha, this is weather as is weather;
none o. your hanged blue skies"
A woman in Council Bluffs, Iowa, has sold
out her husband for brindIe COW, and twenty
dollars to boot A former wife from whom he
had been twice divorced, coaxed him 20 return to
his allegiance, and the second wife, actuated by
a spirit ofaccommodation and agricultural inter-
ests, tconsented to the separation for the consi-
deration named.
Awitness for the prosecution in murder case
was thus questioned by his honor 50 You say
you saw the man shot at and killed ?" {" Yes, SIR
I" You said, think, that the charge struck the
deceased, on his body, between the diaphragm
and the duodenum ?'' Witness" No, sir, l
didn't say no such thing. 1 said he was shot be-
tween the hog-pen and the wood-house.
ss Well, uncle, how is the cause of religion
getting on in your neighborhood?' 50 Mighty
poor-mighty poor {" No new converts, eh ?''
% Not a single one-not de sign of one." What
seems to be the matter?" asked the citizen, after
a lengthy pause. 90 De matter is dat some one
has stolen four big watermellons out'ob my cart
dis AFTERNOON and feel in my bones dat religion
is gwne down hill all froo dis locality. Raleigh
NeICS.
HER VIEW OF IT.-'' Suppose, Belle" said
poor but honest Chicago youth to a Prairie
Avenue girl, one day this week, "suppose that
young man loved you dearly-very dearly-but
was afraid to ask you to marry him-may be be-
cause he was very tmid or felt too poor, or some
thing-what would you think of such a case?'
''1hinkP" answered the girl Immediately.
Why, if lie was poor, should think that he
was doing just right in keeping still about it =
The question was dropped there.
The following specimen of English, pure and
undefiled, is from the Liverpool Times: a doctor
was lately summQned to a cottage at Harwood. in
Teasdale and found boy in need of his services.
IS Put out your tongue" said the doctor The
boy stared like an owl. 50 My good boy" re-
quested the medical man, I" let me see your ton
que"
IS Talk English, DOCTOR said the mother and
then, tuning to her son, she said IS Hoppen the
gebbler, and put out thy loliker'' The boy
rolled out his tongue In moment
Signs OF PROSPERITY anybody can give any
better IS signs OF a tiptop state of things than
the following, let as see the list
Where spades grow bright, and idle words grow dull
Where Jas are empty, and barns are f1li
Where church paths With frequent footsteps
Law court-yards Seedy, silent and forlorn
Where doctors foot it, and where farmers ride;
Where age abounds and truth is multiplied
Where these signs are, they clearly indicate
A happy people and well governed state.
Mr. IlNcoLN's HORSE ETRADE.-When Abraham
Lincoln was a lawyer in Illinois, he and the
Judge once got bantering one another about
trading horses, and it was agreed that the next
morning at nine O'Clock they should make trade,
the horses to be unseen up to that hour, and no
backing out, under forfeiture of twenty-five
dollars. At the hour appointed the Judge came
up, leading the sorriest-looking specimen of a
horse ever seen in those parts. In few minutes
Mr. Lincoln was approaching with wooden
saw-horse upon his shoulders. Great were the
shouts and the laughter of the crowd, and both
were greatly increased when Mr. Lincoln, on sur
Eeying the Judges animal, set down his saw
horse and exclaimed '' Well, Judge, this is the
first time ever got the worst of a horse trade.