The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1876-04-08
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
The HEIGHT OF MIsERY.-The extreme height
Of misery is a small boy with new pair of rub
Der boots, and no mud or slush in reach.
HAIR-SPLITTING PIETY.-The Jersey city bar.
bers have resolved to stop hair-cutting on Sundays
but will continue to shave their customers as
usual.
80 LoNG.-A family in town have dog twenty
five years old. He was originally a hound, but
he stayed with them so long that they call him a
tarrier.
PRINCIPALLY.-'' What is the interior of Africa
principally used for?' asked q teacher of a
pupil. 9 For purposes of exploratan," was the
reply.
DELICATE.-A Kentucky paper endeayOrs to
pay delicate compliment to fayOrite actress
by calling her - sweet little red haired chande-
lier kicker"
A Scotchman asked an Irishman - why were
half farthings coined in EngIand?" Pats
answer was. - To give the Scotchmen oppor
tunity of subscribing to charitable institutions.
SuoULD.-Thc Vanceburg Kenfuckian remarks
A farmer lives on the average sixty-fve years, 4
printer thirty-three. The former should pay the
latter promptly.
GREAT CRUELTY.-AIr Spinner's resignation
was great cruelty to the counterfeiters who have
succeeded, after years of labor, in initiating his
signature. Now they must learn a new one.
a. What kind of a man is Squire Simmons, any
way?'' Well, you've seen those snow-storms
along early in winter, when there's good deal
of wind and not much sleighing? That's the
sort he is"
How CoMPosED.-Some careful and deep-thiuk-
ing student has discovered that the word debt
is composed of the initials of sc Dun everybody
twice - Credit is formed of the initial let
ters ofs Call regularly every day;'I'll trust"
Two young ladies in the library yesterday
afternoon were discussing preference expressed
by one of them for clean shayen men, when the
other was heard to remark: 50 don't object
to a man with reasonable quantity of hair
his face but L would't like to marry buffalo
robe
An inquisltive, but badly posted Briton went
down to visit Mount Vernon not long since, and
after making many inquiries and noting down
the answers, he said to the superintendent
- All may hask you if General Washington
was in the harmv ?" '' He was, sir, said the
superintendent. - And on which side, Union or
RebeI?'' 50 Rebel, SIR was the reply, which
was carefully noted down.
They recognized each other ut one of the fish
stands, and one called out, - ls that you, Mrs.
Jones, and are you after hsh?' s. And is that
you Mrs. Toddle? And no, | never buy fish,
- You don't?"
mo l have got the particularest husband
you ever saw. If he's eating fish ard gets four
or five scales in his mouth he makes as much fuss
as some men WOulu over CODDlesJOue III IOdi OI
bread So buys liver and there's no scales on it !
and all you have to do is TO give it rinse, flop it
into the spider, and the butcher gets ali the |
blame. ''-DetroH Free Press.
- Maria Theresa Jennings and Clotilda Seman-
tina Jennings, gimme that are book! The idee |
Of gals not more n nineteen readn' all about that
are Beecher scandal And you professors, too |
Ef your poor mother alive now, what do |
YOU calklate she'd say? Gimme the sinful pam
phIet till destroy it, and the piOus old Deacon /
took - The Story of the Great Scan /
dal - from them and sat up till 2:45 A. N. read /
ing it in the dining-rOom with the door locked,
and his bat hung over the key hole.
There's boy up town who swallowed can
Of concentrated lye two years ago, and although |
his mother made him carry hatchet in his !
pocket and picture of G. Washington over the |
foot of his bed. she has never been able TO get |
truth out Of him since. She wants to know
what to do with him. Oiled strap in liberal doses
is good but we rnink this a desperate case.
Better let him read law, and trust merciful
Providence. But the chances hundred to
one that he will be elected to Congress from some
Democratic district in the course of twenty years.
The following good joke is told on of the
Cornell professors: few days since one of the
professors perpetrated pactical joke upon him
self worthy TO be cherished in the archives of
the institution. He had occasion to visit small
closet in which the janItor keeps his tools, stu
lted in the basement, the engine. Not
wishing to bs disturbed while there, he locked
himself in and slipped the key into his pocket
During his manipulations he forgot that he had
the key in his possession, and upon trying to get
out imagined himself the victim of mali
eious physicist. He waited some time for his
tormentor to repent, and then became exasper-
lted He pounded the door, kicked, wept and
sgore through the key-hole, but in vain. The
anitor had gone down town, and there was none
10 heed his cry. In the course of the afternoon
he returned, and accidentally iscovered the
mighty fallen into suIlen fit of distrust. and
destitute of ali confidence in humanity. When
he professor sat down to his newspaper, after
supper, that evening, and, happening to put his
hand into his pocket, found the key to that closet,
be Immediately went into the back yard and ran
L wheelbarroW back and forth over himself for
In hour. /