The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1876-03-18
VARIETY.

Rev. Mr. Butter is n Baptist preacher out in
Arkansas. He spreads himself every Sunday
A travelling printer says that one of the Omaha
editors writes his editorials on brown paper with
an old dinner-fork dipped in cranberry sauce.
Salutatory Of the editor of the NIadisonviIle
(Ky.), Southeast "Good morning. We intend
publishing paper. If you don't like it you
needn't read it,
TWENTY TO oNE.--Call lady 'chicken, - and
ten to one she is angry with you. Tell her she is
''no chicken and twenty to one she is more
angry STILL
An inebriate recently fell and struck his nose
against barber's pole. On being raised from
the ground he asked: 90 What'n thunder 'zat
woman wi striped stock rs on got agin me?''
IL men are the salt of the earth woman are
the sugar. Salt is a necessity, sugar luxury
Vicious men are the salt-petre; hard. stern men
the rock salt; nice family men the table salt.
Old maids are the brown sugar good-natursd ma
irons, the loaf sugar pretty girls, the fine pulver
lied white sugar. Pass the sugar, please?
The following story comes to us from London:
A gentleman who was sending away his Irish
butler for no exemplary conduct, but who, like
most masters, was willing to make the best of
him when he was going to plague somebody else,
made this parting speech: '' have said you
were honest, John, with good conscience but
have stretched point in saying you are SOBER
Sure, your honor, could you not stretch another
point, then, and say am frequently sober?''
He came back to his mother looking very for
iornly, with big swelling under his left eye and
four or FIVE handsful of torn shirt boiling over his
you been ?'' she asked. Me and Johnny's
been playin'. He played he was pirate, and
1 duke. Then he put on airs and got mad,
and 81 Yes, yes, - interrupted his mother,
her eye flashing, IS Nom, pirate licked"
''How is it, asked Bishop Willberforce of one
of his Roman Catholic servant girls, '' that you
can feel so kindly disposed toward me. when you
believe that shall certainly be lost ?'' 50 Oh.
no :" said she. 90 But how can l be saved,
persisted the Bishop, L" when your Church
teaches that there is no salvation out ofits pale?
IS You will be saved through your invincible
hignoranee, ?" was the reply.
One beautiful June evening, twenty-three years
ago, Richard Grant White stood beside beaute-
Gus maiden and asked her in the pure but burn
ing Anglo-Saxon of an impassOned philologIst,
if she would have him. She halfclosed her eyes
like sick gazelle, dropped her chin upon her
breast as if to still its heayings, and finally, gath
erng strength to speak, Topped right into the
slat of the grape arbor to keep from falling, ut
tered dismal grOan, and fled her presence forever.
She died broken-hearted, and he married an
English grammar.-BrOokiyn Argus.
. Cineinnatus," ;" says the Brooklyn Argus 90 was
one of the most extensive wholesale pork-dealers
in Rome, and the inventor of the famous vegeta-
BILE now known as the Bologna sausage. He
killed the pigs on his farm, and toted them up to
the city in a-wkeelbarrow. When The Romans
got into a row with the Equians, the former
hired Cincnnatus to 60 in to the camp of the lat
ter and grease the soles of their brogans with
lard This he did so successfully that the
Rnuians could't move two steps in any direction
without slipping down. While thus deplorably
embarrassed, the Romans fell upon them with
great fury and put every man of them to the
sword Cincinnati is called Porkopois after
Cincinnatus
SHE Was HIS DARLING.-A Louisville drummer
stopped, not long since, at one of our Green
river hotels, and the next morning a chamber
maid came in to arrange his room. He approached /
her, and gently putting his arm around her waist,
said IS You are my darling" and then stole a
kiss from her red, pouting lips. What did she !
do Why, she seized the foot-tub where he had |
lust washed his feet, and bathed his head with |
the contents then she shampooed his hair with |
the coal-grabs perfumed him with the water in !
the slop-bucket; washed his hair and whiskers |
with the blacking brush rubbed him down with |
the brush that had been used the day before in |
paiuting the hearth, and knocked the dust out of
his clothes with the poker. Then doubling up
her fists and shaking them at him, she said
This 1.-THE right one) is certain death, but as
am not the fool-killer, I'll not use that on you
this (the left one) is six months in the hospital"
Then she hit him a blow that sent him through
the window. He alighted on the roof of she'd
ROOM and rolled off into pig-sty in the back
ward This disturbed the big dog, and his dander
s. riz,'' and he fastened on to that drummer
quick which brought him to halt, and the SER
wants hastened to his relief. He was taken to
iail as supposed insane tramp or Snowman, and
the local paper in its next issue gave long
account of the mysterious disappearance of a
Louisville drummer from the - House. who
left without taking his baggage or paying his
hotel bill.