Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1876-08-23
Humorous Waits.

LoNG range practice-Twenty years ex-
perience as cook.
A LAWYER may be said to work like a
horse when he draws a conveyance.
"PA," said little fellow to his unshaven
father, "your chin looks like the wheel in
the music box"
NEGRO once gave his toast -" DE late
Gubner ob de State. lie came in with little
opposition, him go out with none at all"
"A CORRESPONDENT writes asking how
he shall keep the flies off his horses in the
stable Suggested that he take the horses
out of the stable.
"Dors this razor take hold well 2" asked
the smiling barber. "Yes," replied the mn
happy victim, it takes hold WELL but it
don't let go worth cent"
"TmAT's what | call finished Sermon
remarked man, as he was coming out Of
church. ." Yes, finished at last" replied his
neighbor, though began to think it never
would be-
GENTLEMAN at an eating saloon asked
the person next to him if he would please
pass the mustard. "Sir," said the man, " do
you mistake me for waiter Z "Oh no,
sir" was the reply, 81 mistook you for a
gentleman"
A LITTLE boys father gave him two cents
one 10 spend for candy the other to give
to the heather. lie presently lost one of the
cents, but consoled himself with the thought
that the one which was lost was the one
which was 10 be given to the heather.
In suburban school teacher gave out
the word "psalter 10 a class in spelling
1t was "poser 10 all till it reached the
foot of the class, when curly-headed little
fellow spelt it correctly, and. on being asked
to define it, shouted out, More salt l''
"WHAT do you sell those fowls for ?" in
qured person of a man attempting TO dis
pose of some chickens Of q questionable APP
pearance. 81 sell them ior profits" was
the answer. "Thank you for the informs-
tion that they are prophets" responded the
querist, " ! took them TO be patriarchs."
A YOUNG lady received the following note
accompanied by bouquet of flowers
dearest -: | send you bi the boy a
bucket of hours. They is like my love for
u. The mite shade menes kepe dark. The
dog fenil menes am your slave. Posts red
and posts pail, my love for you shall never
falc."
THE other day minister offered prayer
at the laying of cornerstone brisk
young reporter hustled up and said, " wish
you would give me the manuscript of that
prayer" =" never write out my prayers,
said the preacher. "Well, said the reporter
81 couldn't hear a word you said" ~ was
not praying TO you" quickly responded the
parson.
CHAs LAMB was once riding in stage
coach in company with one of those sym
pathizing souls ever on the lookout fol
an opportunity TO compassionate aflliction
"What bad cough you have, sir" said the
| sympathizing one, after Lamb had recovered
from a violent fit of coughing. al know
it, replied Lamb, "but it is the best
can do"
| A FREScHMAN who had purchased a coun
try seat was complaining of the want o
birds in the garden. "Set some traps" re
piled an old officer, "and they'll come.
was once ia Africa, and there wasn't sup
posed TO be a woman within two hundred
miles. | hung a pair of earrings and q
bracelet upon tree, and the next morning
| found two women under the branches.
The doctor recently said TO his student
"And you attended the moral philosophy
class also 2" "Yes." Well, you would heal
lectures on various subjects. Did you even
hear one on cause and effect Z" Yes. y
Does not an effect ever so before a cause p
" Yes" "Give an instance" "A man
wheeling barrow" The doctor then sat
down, and proposed no more questions.
DEACON BRowS took occasion to admin.
lister reproof 10 old Joe for swearing. Joe
listened attentively 10 his words, seemed 10
appreciate the exhortaton, and when he had
concluded, replied as follows The fact is,
deacon, that | may swear great deal, and
you may pray great deal, but neither of us
mean anything by it," The deacon alluded
to Joe as an instance OF total depravity.
A pEMuRE looking chap hailed charcoal
peder with the query " Have you got char
coal in your wagon Z" " Yes, sir" said the ex-
pectant driver, stopping his horses. That's
right" observed the demure chap, with an
approving nod, "always tell the truth and
people will respect you and he hurried on,
much 10 the regret OF the pedler, who was
getting out OF the wagon TO look for brick.
THE superintendent of a Sunday-school
having organized splendid strawberry treat
for his pupils, thought II time at the close
of the repast 10 connect some lesson with
their evident appreciation OF the fruit.
" Have you enjoyed these strawberries to-
day Z" he asked. Yes, sir yes sir" came
from all sides with unmistakable heartiness
"Well children, II you had seen these ber-
ries growing in my garden, aud slipped in
through the gate without any leave and
picked them, would they have tasted as
good as now Z" "No, SIR" was the prompt
reply, "Why not r. asked the grateful
master, anticipating the yirtuous answer OBJ
viously suggested. "Because," said one OF
the little flock, "then we shouldn't have had
the sugar and cream with EN-"