The Worthington advance., 1876-06-08
Perkins Method of Regulating The Liver.

to try and get out of poverty by invent.
ing patent medicine. After some
reflection, he concluded that the two
most frequent and most unpopular
forms of infrmity were badness of
head and torpidity of the liver, and he
selected the compounds recommended
by the pharmacopeia as the remedies
he would sell to the public. One, he
called ''Perkins' Hair Vigor," and the
other, "Perkins' Liver Regulator. -
procuring a large number of fancy bot.
ties and gaudy labels, he bottled the
medicines and advertised them exten-
sively, with certificates of imaginary
cures, which were written out for him
by friend whose liver was active and
whose hair was abundant.
1t is not at all unlikely that Perkins
would have achieved success with his
enterprise but for one very unfortu-
nate circumstance. He was totally
unfamiliar with the preparations,
excepting in so far as the Pharmaco-
peia instructed him; and, rs ill luck
would have it, in putting them up he
got the lables of the liver regulator
on the hair vigor bottles, and the la
bells of the latter on the bottels con-
tanning the former. Of course the re-
suit was appalling and as Mr.. Perkins
had requested the afflicted to inform
him of the benefits derived from ap.
plying the remedies, he had not sold
more than few hundred bottles be-
fore he began to hear from the pur-
chasers.
One day. as he was coming out of
his office, he observed q man sitting
on the tire.plug with shot gun in his
hand and thunder upon his brow. The
man was bare-headed, and his scalp
was covered with shiny substance of
some kind. When he saw Perkins he
elnptied one load of bird-sh0t into the
inventors legs, and was about to give
him the contents of the other barrel
when Perkins hobbled into the Office
and shut the door. The man pursued
him, and tried to break in the door
with the butt of the gun. He failed,
and Perkins asked him what he meant
by such murderous conduct.
"You come out here and I'll show
you what mean, you scOundrel, said
the man. ''You step out here for a
minute and I'll blow the head off of
you for selling me hair vigor that s
gummed my head up so that I cant t
wear a hat and can't sleep without
sticking to the pillow-case. Turned
my scalp all green and pink, too. You
put your head out that door and I'll
give you more vigOr than You want,
you idiot: l expect that stuff'll soak
in and kill me-
Then the man took his seat again on
the fire.plug, after reloading the bar.
| rel of his gun, put on fresh cap and
waited. Mr.. Perkins remained inside
and sent boy out the back way for
the mail. The first letter he opened
was from woman, who wrote:
MY husband took one dose Of your
liver regulator and Immediately went
into spasms. He has had fits every
hour for four days. AS soon as he
dies am coming on to kill the fiend
who poisoned him.
A clergyman of Smyrna wrote to ask
what were the ingredients of the liver
regulator. He feared something was
wrong, because his aunt had taken the
medicine only twice when she began
to roll over the floor and howl in. the
most alarming manner, and she had
been in comatose condition for fif.
teen hours.
A man named johnson dropped q
line to say after applying the hair Wig
or to his scalp he had leaned his head
against the back Of a chair, and it had
now been in that position for two
daYS. He feared he would never he
released unless he cut up the chair
and wore the piece permanently or
his head. He was coming to see MFR
Perkins in reference to the matte,
when he got loose, and he was goine
to bring his dog with him.
A Mr.. Wilson said that his bov hai
put some of the vigor on his face il
order to induce the growth of his mus
tache, and that at the present momen
that boys upper lip was glued fast t.
the tip of his nose, and his counter
ance looked as if it had been coate{
with green varnish. -
Mrs. Martin wrote from Belvider,
that she had shaved her poodle to,
close, ana had attempted to cure hin
by applying the vigor. Thereupo1
the dog had gone mad, bitten two chill
dren and eaten the cat and poll
There were about forty other letter
giving the details of svndry othe
cases of awful suffering, and breathin,
threatenings and slaughter agains
Mr.. Perkins. just as Mr.. Perkins wa
i finishing hese epistles, Jim Woodle