Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1876-01-29
Wseklp gntelliaeuter.
DIVORCED BY MISTAKE.

DIVORCED BY MISTAKE.
One winter there came to Trenton.
New Jersey, two men. named Smith and
Jones, who had both of them designs on
the legislature. Jones had a bad wife
and was in love with 4 pretty woman he
wished to be divorced from his bad wife,
so that he might marry the pretty woman,
who, by the way, was a widow with
black eyes, and such a formi There,
fore, Jones came toTrenton for a divorce.
Smith had a good wife. good as an a n
Gel. and the mother of ten children, and
Smith did not want to be divorced, but
did want to get a charter for a turnpike
or plank road, to extend from Pigs Run
to Terrapin Hollow.
Well. they. with these different errands,
came to Trenton and addressed the as
sembled wisdom with the usual argu-
ments. First, suppers mainly composed
of oysters with rich background of VEN
ison; second, liquors in great plenty.
from ssJersey lightning which is kind
of locomotive at full speed reduced to
liquor shape, to Newark champagne.
To speak in plain prose, the divorce
MAJ gave . champagne supper, and
Smith, the turnpike man, followed him
with champagne breakfast, under the
modifying influence of which the assem-
bled wisdom passed both the divorce
and turnpike bills and Jones and Smith
a copy of each bill in their pockets
went rejoicing hsme, yer miles of sand,
and through the tribulation of many
stage-coaches.
smith arrived home in the evening,
and as he sat down in his parlor, his
pretty wife beside him-how pretty she
did looki-and five of her children
oyerhearing the other five studying their
lessons in the corner of the room. Smith
was induced to ~expatiate upon the good
result of his mission to Trenton.
"A turnpike, my dear; l am one OF
the directors and will be president. 1t
will set me up, love; we a send our
children to the boarding school, and live
in style out of the toll. Here is The
charter, honey"
Let me see it," said the pretty little
wife, who was one OF the incest of wives,
with plumpness and goodness dimpling
all over her face; stlet me see it" as she
leaned over Mr.. Smiths shoulder.
But all at once Smiths visage grew
long; Smiths wiie's visage grew black.
Smith was not profane, but nov he rip
ped out an awful oath.
BLAST US, wife, those internal scoun-
drels at Trenton have gone and divorced
u.s." tE.T
1t was too true the parchment which
he held was a bill of divorce, in which
the names O fSmith and Smiths wife ap-
peared in frighttully legible letters.
Mrs. Smith wiped her eyes with the
corner OF her apron.
itHere's a turnpike" she said, sadly,
land with the whole of our ten children
staring me in the face, / amt your wife !
II ere's a turnpike"
.'Blast the pike and the legislature
and"
Well, the fact is, that Smith, reduced
to single blessedness, enacted into q
stranger to his own wife, swore awfully.
Although the night was dark, and most
of the denizens of Smiths town had gone
to bed, Smith bid his late wife put on
her bonnet, and arm in arm they pro-
ceeded to the clergyman of their church.
Goodness, bless me !" exclaimed the
good man as he saw them enter. Smith,
looking like the last of June shad, Smiths
wife wiping her eyes with the corner of
her apron. Goodness, bless me, what's
the matter ?"
.'The matter is, I want you to marry
us two right off" replied Smith.
'.Marry you?" calculated the clergy
man, with expanded fingers and awful
eyes, fare you drunk, or what is the
matter with you?"
straightway, and would not take a fee;
tho foCf ia frrov No 90 ho uoc he uoo Ay-
ing to be alone that he might give vent
to a suppressed laugh that was shaking
him all over; and Smith and Smith S
oae of their children. The little Smiths
had ever been made strangers to each
other by legislative enactment.
Meanwhile, and on the same night,
Jones returned to his native town-Bur-
lington, l believe-and sought at once
the fine black eyes which he had hoped
shortly to call his own The pretty wild
ow sat. on a sofa, a white handkerchief
tied carelessly about her round white
throat, her black hair laid in silky waves
against each rosy cheek.
divorce is the word,n cried Jones,
playlully patting her double chin; 'sthe
fact is, Eliza. Pm rid of that cursed wo-
man, and you and I will be married to-
night. 1 knew how to manage those
scoundrels at Trenton. A champagne
superior it was breakfast-did the
business for them. Put on your bonnet
and let us 60 to the preachers at once,
dearest"
The widow who was among widows
as peaches among apples, put on her
bonnet and took Jones' arm, and
"Justl look how handsome 1t is put ON
parchment p! cried Jones, pulling out
the document before her; here's the law
that says that Jacob Jones and Ann Car
oline Jones are two"
Putting her plump gloyed hand on his
shoulder. she did look at it.
.sOh, dear!" she said, with her ROSY
lips, and sank back half fainting on the
sofa.
"Oh, blazes!" cried Jones, and sank
beside her, rustling the fatal parchment
in his hand; ''here's a lot of happiness
and champagne gone to ruin"
1t was a hard case. Instead of being
divorced, and at liberty to. marry the
widow, Jacob Jones was simply, by the.
legislature ofNew Jersey, Incorporated
into ~aturnpike company, and, what made
it worse, authorized to run from Bur-
lington to Bristol! When. you reflect
that Burlington and Bristol are located
just Il mile apart, on opposite sides of the
Delaware river. you will observe the ex-
IRENE hopelessness of Jones' case.
ats all the fault of the turnpike man
who gave them the champagne SUPPER
or was it the breakfast? p" cried jones in
agony.
IF they'd charter. me as a ,urnpste
from Pigs Run to Terrapsa Hollo:y I
might have borne.i it; but the YerT- idea
of building a turnpike from Burlington
to Bristol bears an absurdity on the face
of it."
So it did.
And You, amt. divorced" said ELIZA,
a tear running down each cheek.
mol" Numbered Jones, crushing his
hat between his knees, land, what is
worse, the legislature is adjourned, and
gone home drunk, ard won't be back to
Trenton till next year."
1t was 4 hard case.
The mistake CO had occurred on the
last day of the session.. when Legislators
and transcribing clerks were Iaborine
under the champagne breakfast. Smiths
name had heap mt whara Ionac, o,rh.