Vermont farmer. [volume] (Newport, Orleans County, Vt.) 1870-1877, 1876-09-08
WHOLE NO. 300.
FACT AND FANCY.

melon patches The coon is never there.
A man who will quail before an opponent
can't be said to be game.
II haint heorn one this year." laments
Mrs. Partngton, mot one Bacchanalian SER
mon !"
"Lob buy lob !" has been the daily cry
of New York lobster peddler for twenty
three years
A low rate of interest prevails with tho
banks and readers of dime novels.
The patterns for the largest cotton press
in the world are being prepared at Reading,
Pa, at the Scott works.
Caesar conquered the world, but he could
not hit fly on his nose three times in five,
any more than the rest of u.s.
Roses have done blowing this season,
and SO have members Of congress at WASH
ington.
The next thing ahead is September.
Stoves, you neutrality-suspicious. all fit
no trouble-easiest thing in the world.
Pullbacks, corsets, money and habitual
drunkards continue to get tighter and
tighter.
Marriage has recently been defined as ga
prodigal desire on the part Of a young man
to pay some young woman's board"
To avoid sunstroke: stay in the house
and let your wife split wood, take care Of
the garden and bring in the water.
The Oherokees are becoming civilized.
They ran $4,000 behind in their last years
finances.
Dentists smile when they see man try
to crack hickory nut with his teeth.
Noticing in the sand footprint about
fourteen inches long, Snooks sighed and said,
THAT fellow Jones is here, that's his mono-
gram"
A beggar eat dinner at a Connecticut
farm house, aud then inquired where he
could buy bottle of Whiskey.
1t is just as hard work to get any kind
ling wood split as it ever was; but over six
ty young men in Rome are ready to go west
aud avenge tnd death of Custer.
Croquet under difficulties-Two Western
New York girls, during the absence of mater
familias, sawed off the tops of their bed
posts for croquet balls.
The editor of the Vicksburg Herald says
rather meekly: "It is still hot enough to
burn the ears off brass monkey" Will
somebody give him an umbrella 2
Ladies will be delighted to hear that
Montana sends double the usual number of
furs to market. 1t appears to be fur-tilo
country. 1t otter be; it's so fur off.
An educated hog aJ one of the watering
places is said to be a good mathematician
No doubt it excells in "square root" and
is also good at "subtractlon," when in a
turnip patch.
circumstances alter cases" said law
yer to his client, after losing his fourth
lawsuit. Ceases alter circumstances" saw
agely replied the client. "By your manage
ment of my cases my circumstances have
been nearly ruined"
An old st. Louis gentleman offered the
following advice to all men in search of
wives; "Ride Oh the street cars and W hen
you see girl who rings the bell for the car
to stop and is carried by the crossing few
steps aud has to step off in the mud and yet
smiles and shows sense and good nature, get
her if you can. It's the neatest test Of a
woman there is"
Ben Brown was elected to the office of
constable in the state of Pennsylvania, and
while serving process on his friend Tom
Smith, the latter became angry aud gave
Ben thrashing. Ben was Indignant and
exclaimed, 81 wouldn't mind your licking
me in my individual character, but when
shake me in my official capacity you shake
pillar Of the commonwealth ~
"Speaking of bathing" said Mrs. Parting.
ton, from behind the steam that arose from
her tea as veil to her bushes when touch
ing upon so delicate a subject, "some can
bathe with perfect impurity IN water as cold
as Greenland's icy mountains and India's
coral stands; but, for my part l prefer to
have the water little torpid"
Patient to his doctor-"And it is really
true that l shall recover?" "Infalhbly,"
answers the man Of medicine, taking from
his pocket paper full of figures; "Here,
look at theI statistics of your case; you'll find
that one per cent of those attacked with
your malady are cured" "Wel!," says the
sick man, in an dissatisfied manner. "Well,
you are the hundredth person with this dis
ease that / have had under my care, and the
first ninety are all dead"
"Patruns of husbandry ?" says Mrs. Par.
tington, reaectively, in reply to a remark of
the doctor concerning that order, "Yes, do
seem to remember hearing of them, but
never have used any. TIE best patruns |
know Of are the Domestic | have used
lots Of those to cut out my clothes by'-and
here Isaac broke into her remarks with tho
information that the old ones made bully
kites and then went gravely on with his
work of decorating the cats tail with pateut
clothes pins.
The last capillary song is "0nly Gray
Hair, Darling" but when his wife, whose
own hair is short and red, came to examine
it more closely, she saw that it was yellow
as saffron and nearly three feet long. and
she knew in a minute where it came from.
and before no could begin to explain how it
got on the shoulder of his coat, the air was
so full Of his own hair that he thought one
of Professor Tice's cyclones had come along
that way.
Yesterday afternoon a farmer entered a
restaurant hat on the back of his head and
joyful look in his eyes and flinging his hat
on the floor he exclaimed "W6oop sold
my wool, and now l want a Thanksgiving
dinner !" lie was invited to sit down to a
table, handed bill of fare, and asked to
name his dishes. 81 want chicken, turkey,
oysters, fish, quail, snipe, pie, cake, soup,
wiue-briug on the best you've got in the
shanty! !" he said as he pushed the bill away.
The waiter started out, aud the farmer
hauled out his wallet and counted his money.
His face grew serious after a moment, as
he began to realize that luxuries cost money,
and in another minute he pounded on the
table aud called out "I want to see that
waiter !" The waiter entered and the far
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