The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1876-07-26
BAsCUM AS A ZOOLOGIST.
He Describes sstIle Great Amer.
80 lean Crisis .

COUSIN JOHN Having heard and
read much of the awful Cry-sis that
has laid waste our country, and
placed it in a dilapidated condition
ffom which it will not likely revive
to consciousness for the next GEN.
tury, my curiosity has been greatly
excited, and not until very recently
did learn what real Cry-sis was.
/ would sometimes imagine it to be
something brought about by the
late war. At other times / would
conclude that it was something that
Congress had either done, or left un-
done. Then [ would conclude that,
perhaps, it meant the back-salary
grab; or. perhaps, the disfranchise
ment of the whites and the enfran-
chisement of the colOred people.
The ''crooked" whisky, the Credit
Mobillier, the skullduggery at Fort
Sill, and divers other things at va
rious times appeared as the probable
''Cry-sis,' - but from personal expert
ence, I have learned what the real
Cry sis is, and that the country is
full of them. I had imagined that
''Cry-sis" was a something felt but
not seen with the naked eye-rather
kind of national, or perhaps a
family oppression, an invisible ca
lamity. or rather an imaginary,
shapeless, unavoidable something
that every one felt but that no one
could see with the eye. But, alas +!
for human calculations, our whole
country is full of them, and they are
seen by many and felt by all. We
have but few families, especially in
towns and cities but have felt the
oppression of the American CRY
Sis or Cry-sisses as the case may
be, for some families have to con-
tend with at least half a dozen. And
our once great and prosperous ma
tion is at present groaning and tot
tering under the weight and oppres-
sion of millions of these national
calamities.
That you may know them. Cousin
John, when you.see them, L will give
you a slight description of them.
And first, / will say that they, in
some respects resemble women, and
like the monkey, often try to initiate
woman by washing their faces and
hands, for they have hands pretty
much like a woman, but can't use
them as woman can hers, especially
at work. They will place themselves
before alooking glass and spend
hours there, dressing their hair, and
when they are done the hair looks
worse if possible, than when they
began the job.
The ''Cry-sis." as a general thing,
puts on quite respectable appear
ance in front; an appearance calcu-
lated to deceive the innocent and
unsuspecting. but when closely ex-
amined you will find upon the back
a shapeless mass, which, when ana
lyzed proves to be nothing more nor
less than a sack of non-combustible
deception.
1 scarcely know how to describe
a "Cry-sis, . but you will know one
when you see it, Cousin John, and
you are sure to see many of them if
you keep your eyes open. When
coming toward you, they have the
appearance of some we'll developed
animal, neatly geared in a magnii-
Gently fitting harness, leaning for
ward as though they were drawing a
heavy load, but in going from you,
they act as though frightened and
trying to run away, dragging behiud
them something resembling a top
buggy, with the top side down. On
their back may be seen a pack-sad-
die, or something resembling one.
but for comfort this is placed about
eighteen inches too far back.
When you see one of these, Cousin
John, you may put it down as full
blood American Cry-sis. Some ot
them have hands, very much resem'
bling the hands of ladies, and they
often try to initiate ladies by wear
ing gloves, but in this they are easi
| ly detected, from the fact that they
cannot get the entire hand into 9
glove, the thumb universally being
left out. / have never seen one yet
that could get its thumb into a glove
When you see one of these, Cousin
John, you behold an American ''Cry
sis," or family oppression. You car
also detect them from woman by
their actions when walking. but more
especially in passing over rough
or muddy place, in which case they
are sure to throw their~left hand il
rear, grab their vehiciy, draw i
around to q left oblique aed wade
through at double-quick.
In some instances they use far
very much as a lady uses one, es
pecially in tanning themselves, bu
it seems that they can never b.
learned to carry anything in thei
hands, for even their fans have tt
be chained to them, to keep then
from throwing them away. Ant
their pocket books and money pur
ses are also made fast to their per
sons by a strong chain. In this re
spect their tutors are very careful Q
them, never suffering them to try t,
carry anything in their hands
When you see anything after tn
above form, you may rest assuret
you see genuine American Cry-sis
Many of these Cry-sisses have be
come so expert in initiating women
that in some instances it is alnos
impossible to distinguish them fror
a real woman, till after it is to
late.
But there is one place, Cousi
: John. where they never try to min
E ic the actions of woman, and that
3 in the kitchen, or anywhere els
l where the services of a h6use-keepe
S is needed. Hero they always fai
d and here again you can distinguis
: | thor, from, :, raot vvanai, Rnt man