The Tipton advertiser. [volume] (Tipton, Cedar Co., Iowa) 1856-1962, 1876-03-09

An author says that one of the
uses of adversely is to bring us out.
That is true, particularly a. the knees
and elbows.
| Conkling might as well give it up.
No az" can be President. Think
of Crawford, Clinton, Calhoun, Clay,
and Cass. People don't "C' it.
1t is remarkable fact that, al
though common sheep delight in yer-
dant fields, religious flocks are not
anxious to have green pastors.
A poor family of Bangor, Me-, ap-
piled to a charitable society for
clothes. The next day the whole
family dressed up and went down
town and got their pictures taken.
A Philadelphia man gained four
and half pounds in one week by
eating oatmeal. But he is wearing
out his Ulster overcoat scratching
his back against the door.
A one-dollar order on beer saloon
was found among the donations left
at clergyman's house. The rever-
end gentleman consoles himself with
the thought that the saloon man may
keep oysters.
The Detroit Free Press says that
Senator Christancy married for love.
And that of course is what Mrs.
Christancy married for. The old man
isn't worth over a few millions at the
outside.
A rumor, calculated to damage the
married men of the community, is in
circulation. 1t is to the effect that
wood saving before breakfast is a
healthy exercise. Let's hunt out the
villainous author and put him to
death.
When man goes to a quilting
party, about tea time, and sits down
on ball of yarn with long darning
needle in it, he will think of more
thing connected with darning in
minute than he can mention in TWO
hours.
Got it bad? A young gentleman
OF our acquaintance is so deeply en-
amorated Of a certain young lady as
to insist on helping her do her wash
ing. The other day almost lovers
quarrel resulted from his persisting
in being allowed to help wiring a short
sleeved garment belonging to the Ia
dy. Through the intervention of a
"mutual friend" the matter was at
last settled, the young man agreeing
not to squeeze any more Of her gar
ments unless she was in them.
The happiest moments in a wo-
mans life are when she is making her
wedding garments; the saddest, is
when her husband comes home late
at night and yelIs to her from the
front steps to throw him out some
key holes, assorted sizes.
The Taunton Gazette makes this
record: at was good aud prayerful
old lady Of this city who said that
she had stopped praying for her hus-
band "because | have prayed so long
without effect that ] think the Lord
has just as poor opinion of that man
as have
"Maria," observed Mr.. Halcomb,
as he was putting on his clothes,
"there amt Eo patch on them breeeh
es YETI 81 can't fix it now, no way;
Pm too busy" "Well, give me the
patch and Pll carry it around with
me. | don't want the people to think
| can't afford the cloth.
When boy who has been off all
day, contrary to the express wish of
his mother, and approaching the house
with an anxious and curious tread,
finds company at tea, the expression
of confidence and rectitude which
suddenly lights up his face can not
be reproduced on canvas.
Two couples were married in an
Iowa corn field. The brides were
dressed in corn colored silk, Of course
and the grooms answered the ques-
tions in husky voice. One might
think such spot for marriage would
go against the grain,' but the coup
les pronounced it as good as wheat
ANY dears, | miss something or
can't tell what or who,"
said Jones to his children, as he sat
down to tea the other night. "P'raps
it's MOTHER" said little Billy; "she's
gone over to Aunt James to tea
The child was right. 1t was Mrs. J.
who was missed, and Jones said in
"Well, let's have
quiet supper, then"
Hop Waugh sat down in an ice
cream saloon and said to the waiter:
Me want dink ice cream-same like
Mclean man." An iceberg Of the
coveted article was placed before
him, and with the reoklessness he had
seen exhibited by every body else, he
lived into it. But as he gulped
down mouthful of the frozen mass,
a terrible expression OF suspicion and
lismay crept over his face. He look
At the plate a minute, then tried it
again. His teeth began to chatter.
He buttoned up his jacket and swal-
owed another mouthful. That set
lied it. He jumped up from the ta-
Die and started TO where the sun
could shine on him, exclaiming:--
sWhoopee! Plenty cold grub! No
.ookee nuif. Freeze belly all the
same ice-wason.
The Vicksburg Herald has sim
pie and eflicacious plan for the re-