West-Jersey pioneer., 1876-09-21
SPLINTERs.

The best time to see the Centennial is
when your wife is cleaning house.-Dan6u-
ry News.
man can't travel into woman's affec-
tions by getting on her train.-Norrsstovn
Herald.
The new bonnet is to be distinguished
from the old one by much higher crown
and price.
physician asks the renewal of note,
and says: "We are in horrible crisis:
there is not sick man in the DISTRICT
A young lady who had lost or misslaid
her beau, was advised to ''hang up her fid-
dle.' She says the advice did great violence
to her heart-strings.
1t grows more as the season advances.
In July there was worm in the pear, and
now it is about all the pear can do, to spread
itself around the worm.
One beautiful trait in a woman's charac-
ter is her invariable readiness to smooth her
husbands temperament even if she has to do
it with an aching heart. a.lT
Potter say he thinks that instead of mans
feeling sick when he swallows wiggle-tail
in glass of water, he ought to rejoice that
the career of lively mosquito is effectually
cut short.-Neao Orleans Bulletin. pm.
There is a discussion in the Cincinnati
Times as to what makes good wife. We
should say good husband had a great deal
to do with it. But we don't care to have
our name known in the matter
What the times demand out in Colorado
is some kind of riding habit so women
may ride mule la clothes pin, and not
make the mule feel ashamed of himself.
All existing patents have been stupendous
failures.
Times are little easier since cool weather
set in. A paper collar that wouldn't last a
man six hours in the heated term, now looks
happy and confident, when at the end of a
weeks wear, it is ready to be split into two
new collars. s.4ae
A woman slipped while getting on rail-
AoesA SsA ou w NiO. u0 COLI
ductor caught her in his arms so that she
did not fall, but was frightened to death.
A railway company has no right to employ
such ugly conductors.
Why is that man always defers knock
ing the ashes off his cigar nnti they have
fallen inside his vest, and woman always
tearfully declares, the morning after the
first white frost, that she had intended to
bring those house plants in the next day?
Answer in next number.
Biddy-"Did yez liver see finer wake,
nicer funeral. or purifier corpse than Pad
dy's?'' Honora-"Niver wanst." Biddy-
"And do yez know Paddy was that natural
loike. had he come to life and got out of his
coffin to see himself in it, bedad, he himself
wouldn't have known he was dead.''
A fun loving Concord girl is crying her
eyes out over serious joke. She and
young man went through the marriage GER
emony ''for fun at the Hedding camp
meeting the other day, and she now finds
that the young man who performed the
ceremony is justice of the peace.
A Georgia mule was recently struck by
lightning, and knocked insensible, and while
lying on the ground, another current came
along and killed the animal, which proves
that lightning does strike twice in the same
place. And it is absolutely necessary when
it wants to kill mule. s..y
A young man doesn't shver half so much
these September mornings, when the raw
morning air ehills his blood, as he does after
breakfast, when he goes in the closet and
takes down the suit he wore last Winter to
see if there is enough of it left to clean
with benzine and patch into passable re-
spectability. 81 Ea4teat-a
A business firm in Springfield, Mass,
keeps sharp lookout on the manner in
which their clerks live, and if they find a
young man whose expenses far exceed his
regular income, he is quietly discharged. In
one instance five clerks were turned of to-
gether for getting up party that was
known to be beyond their means. VI ...-t
small boy was so unfortunate as to re-
mark at the breakfast table, the other
morning, ooh dear! I'm so sweaty," quite
to the horror of youthful aunt Being
reproved for the use of so inelegant term,
he replied, "Oh, yes, know all about it.
They talk of horse being sweaty. When
it's man, he 'perspires, but young ladies
like you only glow" Bf sas
In Pennington, N. H., on the site of Vice
President Henry Wilson's birthplace. has
been placed a large boulder from neigh
boring mountain, weighing ten or twelve
tons, on which is the following inscription:
''Henry Wilson, Vice President U. S. A.
Born here, Feb. 16, 1912" This monu
ment has been erected by Martin L. Hayes,
shoe manufacturer of Pennington.
Over in Scotland, two young women, dis
appointed with men, resolved to cleave to
one another They drew lots to see which
should play the man. He took the name of
James Ham, and dressed as a man. They
went off together and kept tavern as land
lord and landlady for over thirty years, and
the secret was not discovered till the one
who played the part of the man, died.
Master (sntfSng)-s'There' most extra
ordinary smell, James. I've noticed it sew
eral-" Hall Porter--'I don't wonder at
it, sir, I've spoken about it down stairs.
The butler, sir, you see is ''Igh- church,
which he as fit up horatory in the pantry,
and burns hincense. We could stand that;
but the cook is the Low church persua-
sion, and she burns brown paper to hobivate
the hincense. It's perfectly lawful on
saints days, sir.'
The way of the transgressor is hard, but
there are numbers of honest people who
would not complain greatly of the present
ways OF those old transgressors, Connolly,
Al