Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-07-07
Il UMOR e.

UMOR.
A LIVELY ScR1MMAGE.-Monday was
wash day, beside which other things had
TRANSFERRED to disturb Mrs. Ferguson's tenn
per, and she was going around with her
jaw tied up, and wearing general aspect
Of war when Mrs. Tompkins' little girl
came in and asked:
ssMother wants to know will you lend
her half cup of sugar till she can"
MNo! I won't lend her no half cup Of
nothin' and you just tell your mother
she'd better send back that cupful of milk,
and that coffee, and them potatoes, and
other things she's borrowed ever so long
and never paid.''
The girl went home and told her mother,
and the wrath of Mrs. Tompkins was
something for sensible people to keep at a
distance from. She rolled up her sleeves,
and Jerking her un-bonnet down over her
nose, she bounced out at the alley to find
Mrs. Ferguson sweeping off her pave
ment.
mean by talkin' to my sis that a-way9 If
you don't want to lend your old sugar you
can keep it, but won't have no sass about
it.''
"Mrs. Tompkins, common courtesy
would have suggested to any woman, not
a born idiot, that it would be only decent
to pay what she owed before she tried to
borrow more.o
.sWeal, [ don't owe you anything, any
how''
"You don't, hey? Well, rather think
you do"
f'MoII Tompkins, you don't tell the
truth"
mag Ferguson, you lie like 81 H."
And then they came together, and the
air of Glendon became filled with high
pressure shrielzs, mixed with shreds of
hair. hide and calico, and it is possible
there would have been couple of funer-
ais in the near future had not the husbands
of the irate females appeared, and, after
asserting them opt of the debris, hustled
them into their respective houses, where
they had to be held down for half an houi
before they could be trusted to wash thei'
faces and twist up their hair again.-East-
.ooo Fgee Press.
PRICING PHoToGRAPHs.-A few morn
Fngs ago a young lady came into Bing-
hams photograph gallery. ST would have
come before,''' she explained, Shut there
has been sickness in the family; grandma
died this morning, and this is the first
chance I have bad to have my picture
taken since we came to town. [ thought
would step over and look at the styles of
pictures and price them, while they are
laying her out. )"
Here the poor creature broke down, COW
cred her face with handkerchief, and
sobbed convulsively.
"What does that size picture cost ?" she
added, pointing in mute agony to photo
graph as big as a soup plate, on the wall.
Bingham dashed the back of his hand
quickly across his eyes, and said, hnskily
ssIn the midst of life we are in death-that
size is $40 with the frame" And he sigh
ed heavily.
..If you knew what have gone through
you wouldn't say $40 so colby. That's
just what the coffin comes to-" and she
gazed at the $40 picture with swimming
eyes.
ssPerhaps you had better come after the
funeral Is over, when you feel BETTER re-
marked Bingham, feeling uncomfortable
himself.
After inquiring how much it would cost
to take the whole funeral procession with
her in the front carriage, alongside Of the
preacher, and saying she was going to find
out the price at the other Photographic
galleries first, she pressed her handkerchief
to her face and took her departure.-Sda
Aaatoaaio (Iegas) Herald.
Professor: "What. can't translate that
passage? You must be very ignorant of
the simplest knowledge of. Greek" Stu
dent: 'I'm not as ignorant as you (he
coughed, and, after a pause, added) think
ann Instructor: swell roco means I
cali it," Absent-minded Senior: ''Tlush
ace up!"
'sMy DEAR" said fond husband to his
wife one day, "where would you go should
I fail in business 20
':Where I always go when can, love-"
was the answer-sfinto the arms-hOuse."
And so saying, the lovely wife hid her
bushes in the circling embrace of her hus-
band.
4.Ah, Jenny, ''said sympathizing friend
to man who was just too late for the
train, 'you did not run fast enough
ayes, I did, said JeniGay, "but I didn't
stdrt soon enough"
A Frenchman brought two mugs to the
milk man in place OF one, as usual, and %
being asked the meaning of it, replied. ssdis
for tie milk, dis for tie water, apd will mix
dem SO as to suit myself"
A question: Whether the ."old wines SO
much priced is older than the elder wine. \
An inspiring sight fOr a glazier: the1
.,1,y11oxur, xuhan H. braals in Aho ,,,;n.Joxx n