The Hartford herald. [volume] (Hartford, Ky.) 1875-1926, 1876-02-16
The Natural History orBri,le..

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of the world, but no one has yet essay
ed the history of that indispensable
creature, the bride. We propose in
this article to attempt to show how the
vacuum caused by the shortcomings of
authors may be supplied by some en-
terprising Bohemian.
A bride is the elimination of a
mothers anxiety and the commence,
ment of husbands serious reflections.
A mother looks on her daughter array,
ed as bride,as an arrow shot from
her household culver at that butt of
female archery, man; and, if the arrow
has made fair hit, is prone to chuckle
over the shot as showing forth her SUI
periOr matrOnly skill. If, on the con-
trary, the success is doubtful, then the
mother, like bad archer, blames the
arrow, the luck, any thing, indeed, but
her own bad management.
Brides are divided into numerous
classes. For example: sentimental
brides, who marry for love; speculative
brides, who marry for money; anxious
brides, who marry for the sake of be-
ing married; accommodating brides,
who marry because their lovers ask
them to marry; unresisting brides, who
marry because their friends desire them
to marry; inquisitive brides, who mar
ry for curiosity, and invalid brides,
who marry to restore their health.
Sentimental brides are the most nus
merOus, but not the most happy of the
Orange-wreathed tribe. They are gen.
orally young creatures, who revel in
pOetical dreams connected with the
wearer of love ola moustache, or the
pOssessOr of a handsome nose, or ex-
pressive eyes, or an animated doll, who
can make pretty little speeches, grace>
full bows, or sing pretty little song.
She takes great pride unto herself be-
cause she married Charlie for his own
dear self, and not for his surroundings
unaware that a mans position in So
ciety, his friends, and even his wealth
or poverty is as much a part of himself
total as the curl of his hair, the song
he sings, the strut he affects, or even
his education. She generally finds,
when the song is less brilliantly sung,
the moustache requires Christadora,
the head wig, and the poetical
speeches are turned into matter-offact
imperatives, that the varnish is rubbed
off, the gloss removed, and Charlie is
not the man he used to be.
The money bride has made herself
an article of merchandise, and is to be
valued according to the price she OBJ
tains for herself She belongs to every
condition of society, from her who
marries for social position, horses and
carriages, diamonds, houses aud bank
account, to the work-girl who marries
a One-rOom home, and the privilege of
only half starving on her husbands
petty weekly pittance. She generally
reaches the conclusion that she has sold
herself too cheap.
The health seeking bride looks on
the marriage service as medical pre-
scription, the parson as a doctor, and
the husbandas the 6OlDs administered
for her ills-a blue pill that must be
swallowed, however nauseous. She
knows she is travelling on the road to
death, yet clings to life, endeavors to
throw her burden on her lord. Flying
from the embraces of the worm, she is
compelled to accept those of the bride
groom. She merely prefersa an earthly
to a hearthyy dwelling, the marriage
chamber to the narrow house appoint,
ed for all living.-The honeymoon
shines through apOthecary bottles, and
the eplthalmimum is coughed in |
wheezy periods.
The purchasing bride is generally
on old maid or widow, who, despairing
of being courted for her own sake, seeks
a husband through the medium of her
pecuniary charms. She generally lets
every one know, after marriage, that
she keeps the purse string in her own
hand, and the young man-for this
class generally succeed in obtaining
young men-whom she has succeeded
in entrapping is highly and everlasting
ly indebted to her. The experience of
such is usually the conclusion that they
have paid too dearly for their whistle.
The husband desiring bride is, per-
haps, the most composed of all brides,
the least enthusiastic, and the most
likely to be happy. She marries be-
cause it is instinct with her, not that
she Is particularly in love. She Is not