Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1876-11-09

They listen, ana arise ana llaSle away
All hear that gracious voice-how few obey;
here!
LOCAL NEWS.
EY MAN ADELEH.
"Mr. Perkins, said Colonel Bangs
to the reporter Of the Argus, 81 wish
you would stir around to-day and get
up Il sensational local Of some kind.
The papers been UNANIMOUSLY dull late.
ly. Now why can't you give account
of sea.serpent that you saw off the
Capes yesterday, engaged in 4 fearful
combat with Il whale, during which
the whale swallowed the sea.serpent
all but the end of his tail, which stung
the whale to death-or something ct
that kind-something exciting and
lively! g
III can't write about it if there was
no sea.serpent, can l =
Thunder and lightning, Perkins
have you no imagination People don t
want facts; they want sensations.
When was i local reporter I used to
reel ont the most astonishing ancc-
dotes about men who went up twenty
thousand feet high in balloons and fell
out, and struck telegraph poles, which
perforated them so that the victims
would slip down to the ground, and lay
there with the pole sticking up out Of
him until the do2tor sawed it off on
each side, so that he went home with
3 butcher.block permanently fixed in
his yitals and would tell of boy
who stuffed himself with dried apples
and drank water until he swelled out
so that when he went in to swim his
abdomen would Craze the bottom, and
he would then try to stand on his feet
and find that the water WAS over his
head, and that he was broader than lie
was long. Things like that-the pub.
lie want them. They like to be enter
tanned; they care more about excite
ment than truth. Now, why cant you
get up collision for us! We haven t
had 4 collision for ever SO long
II dunno; maybe might
''Explain to them that the two trains
were going at sixty miles an hour when
they met, and that when they struck,
the down train ran on top Of the up
train, skipped along the roofs OF the
cars and came down on the other side,
without doing any other damage than
smashing the ventilators and sweeping
off a couple Of brakemen who were sit.
ting on top of a freight car. Paint it
strong. Say that the trains were go.
ing 50 fast that they slid ten miles
apart before they could be stopped af-
ter the accident: and introduce hu.
mOrOus incident about an old lady in
the parlOr Car, who was 50 unnerved
that she swallowed her spectacle. case
under the impression that it was
smoked sausage that she'd brought
along for lunch, and attempted to put
her umbrella in her carpet.bag.'
''Maybe I might work it up some
how" said Perkins.
::Or, tell you, s'posen you fix up q
story about a returned sailor, just az
rived. who got into a trance at sea-
SOS they thought him dead, and they
put him in i coffin and chuckeu him
overheard, and after awhile he came
to and kicked off the lid, and floatcd tc
the Cannibal Islands, where he sneak
ed into the temple and passed himself
off rs some new-fangled kind of al
idol, and finally got three hundred OF
his worshippers to follow him aboard
a ship, where he chucked them into the
hold, fastened down the matches, and
sailed for Cuba, where he sold them rs
slaves, and made Il million dollars
which he has brought home to give tc
his widowed mother, who has bee!
taking in washing and suffering from
rheumatism and cricks in her back
Now, a local like that would attract at
tention; it would excite remark PEG
pie would want to buy the paper. Give
your fancy play unlimber your imag
nation. That's the way used to do. ,
''It's iirst-rate plan" said Perkins
"Why, young and active man lIlt
you might easily scare up some sort OF
an anecdote about man in this tOw1
named Smith who Travelled across the
plains twenty years ago with Ills
family. and who was swOOped down
upon by the Indians, who grabbed his
baby and scooted off, while Smith,
bald-headcd and miserable went on
until he found desolate hearthstone
around which to gather the remain.
der Of his family. And then you
might work up some kind of an idea
about Smith twenty years afterward
hunting up his child and finding
her among the Chickasaw Indians
eating baked dog and betrothed to a
young brave. And then when she
failed to recognize her parent, you
might set it up that Mrs. Smith should
sing some old tune which she used to
put the baby to sleep with, so S to see if
the maiden would remember her. child.
hood. And Miss Smith might have
some distant recollection Of it, which
was faint because the old lady sang
fiat, and slurred her notes too much.
And then you might make her agree
to remember that tune if Smith would
promise to load her up with jewelry
and buy her piano. And as Mrs.
Smith clasped her child to her bosom
and wept, the lover, the young brave
might turn up and howl, and be bought
off by Smith and taken east, and be
civilized, and become a Fre.Will Bap.
fist minister, who suddenly lrelapsed
OlO thLO GO1AlatA0" hCu 1OuA uCtt'
cons and the boy who blew the organ
bellows, and was put in an insane.
asylum, while Miss Smith, his wife,
consolidated with some other man.
Now there's the outline of a good local.
Run it over in your mind, and see what
you can do with it,
That afternoon Mr.. Perkins resigned,
and he mentioned, subsequently to a
friend that when he wanted to hire
out as a novelist he would have that
fact understood, but while he was
local reporter lie didn't intend to 30
into fiction to a vast extent for 4 con.
sideration of twelve dollars a week.
A Lunatic Searching tor Wife and Child.
Port Jeryis Gazette.