Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-01-14
HUMOR.

FL II III 0 r.
NEW YEARS DIARY.-A large number
of young men of Detroit will to-day pur-
chase diaries fo- 1876, and tomorrow they
will take.up their pencils with firm de-
termination to keep track of every day in
the year. Every young man should keep
diary. When he is old and gray his
grandchildren will fish it out of the rag
bag, and find it more valuable than gold
and silver. There is no set style of jotting
down thoughts and events, but, perhaps,
it may be well to give the record of 1875,
as taken from the pocket diary Of an aver
age young man:
january 1: Went to see my girl. Shall
leave off swearing, drinking, euchre, smok-
ing, chewing, being out at nights, betting,
going to the opera, and shall try to save
$4,000 this year.
January Z: Went to see my girl. Lost
4 box of cigars somewhere.
February 1: Won $25 betting on dog
fight. That's the way to scoop 'em. Am
trying to get along on Is cigars per day.
Went to see my girl. She says shouldn't
swear.
"April 20: Went to zee my girl. Moth
ing new.
Gully 4: This is the glorious Fourth.
'sSeptember 1: Went to see my girl.
November II: Glorious weather. Went
to see my girl.
December l: This is the 1st of Decem-
Der.
December 25: This is Christmas.
December 81: This is the last day of
the year. must commence tomorrow to
save money and break off my bad habits.
Went to see my girl last night, and made
her happy by telling her that was going
to save $4,000 next year.
A young man in Olathe, Kansas, who is
particular about his washing, the other day
wrote a note to his washerwoman and one
to.his girl, and, by a strange fatality, put
the wrong address on each envelope and
sent them off. The washerwoman was
well pleased at an invitation to take ride
the next day, but when the young lady
read: eff you muss up my shirt bosoms,
and rub the buttons off my collar anymore,
as you did the last time; I will go some
where else," she cried all the evening, and
declares that she will never speak to him
again.
A man whom Dr.. Chalmers engaged to
manage disorderly Sunday school kept his
eyes wide open during prayer, and when
one boy thrust a pin into another, he
marched up the aisle. still praying, and
cuffed that boys ears, and went back again,
praying all the way. After that he was
master of the situation. for the boys
thought that a man who could watch and
pray like that could not be put down.
A young clergyman, whose reputation
for veracity was none of thebest ventured
to differ from an old doctor Of divinity MS
to the propriety of whipping childreu.-
tWhy,' said he, ''the only time my father
whipped me was for telling the TRUTH y
s'Well, retorted the doctor, lit cured you
of it, didn't it,"
: A Danbury man, wishing to engage sew
eral bushels of potatoes from a party in the
surburbs, asked a neighbor what sort of Il
man he was. "Well," said the conscien-
tious neighbor, II don't know very much
about him, but should think he would
make tip-top stranger"
The first day of January: First party Ia
frequent caller)-'I shay (hic) stranger,
can er tell m'wha' day er monthishish?"
Second party (who has been turning over
new leaf -"Sorry tshay lef' my watch
t'home sh 'mornin'."
The Evansville "Advertiser' says that
the ''copy" turned out by a certain country
editor Whose name is suppressed from
consideration for his family resembles
the tracings of commander behind a
runaway horse"
Some day in the distant future the little
niger in the barber shop who silently
holds out his hand for ten cents for strik-
ing mans nose with his brush broom will
be laid away to rest and catnip planted to
hide the spot.
One of the hardest lines in the life of an
agriculturest is, on seeing an editor cut
ting copy from exchanges, to refrain from
saying: ooh, that's the way you make up
the paper, eh ? steal it ?''
sWill this pipe smoke free?" asked
gentleman who was purchasing a pipe.
s.Of course it will, if you can get your to-
bacco for nothing" was the reply.
Trying to do business without advertl-
sing is like winking at pretty girl in the
dark; you may know what you are doing,
but nobody else does.
Search the river Perhaps Mr.. Tweed
has fallen into it. Do it at once. Do it
before the old chap has chance to be
bailed out.
A Danbury girl apostrophized her doll as
follow. Monday: "Ain't you gone to sleep
yet? 0, you lazy girl ~
A Polish dancing-ma committed sui
eide in Erie, Pa, the other day. He schot-
tisch own head off.
Why is your wife like dynamite? Be-
cause she's apt to blow you up if hlrshly
handled.
A good many New. Y orkers leave the
straight and narrow path to walk in the
Broadway.
Are your words Of more weight when
YOU PROFOUND anything than when you ann
ounce it? 80