Buchanan County bulletin. [volume] (Independence, Iowa) 1869-1891, 1876-04-21

North, except the gourd and one or
two varieties of the squash. But the
custom of planting it in the front
yard with the shrubbery is fast going
out of vogue, for it is now generally
conceded that the pumpkin as a shade
tree is a failure.
"Now, as the warm weather APP
proaches, and the ganders begin to
spawn"
The excited listener sprang toward
me to shake hands, and said:
There, there-that will do. I
know I am all right now, because
you have read it just as / did word
for word. But, stranger, when l first
read it this morning, said to myself,
I never, never believed it before, not
withstanding my friends kept me I'M
der watch so strict, but now, l believe
l am crazy; and with that l fetched
a howl that you might have heard
two miles, and started out to kill
somebody, because, you know, l knew
it would come to that sooner or later,
and SO I might as well begin. Tread
one of them paragraphs over again
SO as to be certain, and then burned
my house down and started. l have
crippled several people, and have got
one fellow up tree, where l can get
him if l want him. But I thought
that l would call IN here rs 1 passed
along and make the thing perfectly
certain; and now it is certain, and |
tell you 1t is lucky for the chap that
is in the tree. l should have killed
him, sure as l went back. Good-by,
sir, good-by; you have taken a great
load off my mind. My reason has
stood the strain Of one of your agri-
cultural articles, and l know that
nothing can ever unseat it now
Good-by, sir!"
| felt little uncomfortable about
the cripplings and arson this person
had been entertaining himself with,
for l could not help feeling remotely
accessory to them. But the thoughts
were quickly banished, for the regular
editor walked it. q thought to my
self, now, if you had gone to Egypt,
as l had recommended you to, |
might have had chance to get my
hand in, but you wouldn't do it, and
here you are. l sort of expected
you.
The editor was looking sad, and
perplexed, and detected.
He surveyed the wreck which that
old rotor and these two young farm
ers had made, and then said: "This
is sad business-a very sad business.
There is the mucilage bottle broken,
and six panes of glass, and spittoon,
and two candlesticks. But that is
not the worst. The reputation Of the
paper is injured, permanently fear.
True, there never was such a call for
the paper before, and 1t never sold
such large edition or scared to such
celebrity; but does one want to be
famous for lunacy, and prosper upon
the infirmities Of his mind? My
friend, as l am an honest man, the
street out here is full of people, and
others are roosting on the fence,
waiting to get glimpse OF you, be-
cause they think you are crazy. And
well they might, after reading your
editorials. They are a disgrace to
journalism. Why, what put it into
your head that you could edit paper
of this nature? You do not seem to
know the first rudiments of agricul-
ture. You speak Of furrow and
harrow as being the same thing; you
talk of the moulting season tor cows,
and you recommend the domestica-
ton Of the polecat, on account of its
playfulness and its excellence as q
ratter Your remark that clans will
lie quiet if music be played to them
was SUPPLEMENTARY srperhuous,
Nothing disturbs clans. CLAIMS ai-
rays lie quiet, CLAIMS care nothing
whatever about music. And heavens
and earth, friend! If you had made
the acquiring of Ignorance the study
of your life, you could not have
graduated with higher honor than
you could to-day. never saw any
thing like it. Your observation of
the horse.chestnut as an article of
commerce steadily gaining in favor,
is simply calculated to destroy this
journal ! want you to throw up
your situation and go. ! want no
more holiday,-I could not enjoy it
if l had it. Certainly not with you
in my chair, l would always stand
in dread of what you might be going
to recommend next. 1t makes me
lose all patience every time think
of your discussing oyster-beds under
the head of Landscape Gardening
l want you to go. Nothing on earth
could persuade me to take another
holiday. Oh! why didn't you tell me
you didn't know anything about agri-
culture"
"Tell you, you cornstalk, you cab
bage, you son of n caullflower! It's
the first time l ever heard such an
unfeeling remark. l tell you l have
been in the editorial business going
on fourteen years, and it is the first
time | eyer heard Of a mans having
to know anything in order to edit
newspaper. You turnip! Who wrote
the dramatic critiques for the second
rate players? Why, parcel Of pro-
noted shoemakers and apprentice
apothecaries, who know just as much
about good acting as | do about
good farming, and no more. Who
review the books? People. who never
wrote one. Who do up the heavy
leaders on finance? Parties who
have the largest opportunities for
knowing nothing about it. Who
criticise the Indian campaigns? Gen
tlemen who do not know war-whoop
from a wigwam, and who never have
had to run foot race with u toma-
hawk, or pluck arrows out of several
members of their families to build
the evening campfire with. Who
write the temperance appeals and
clamor about the flowing bowls?
Folks who will never draw another