Middletown transcript., 1876-04-22
4ulllorous.

OiOkks " htS StoSCi. AS', VS. sAS
reply; "there's millions 10 it."
II want some Of that kind of soap.
said little girl to grocer, with which
people are washed overheard at sea.
It was said Of an inveterate gossip
that she even trimmed her Comet
with the feathers Of flying rumor."
What is the largest word in the Eng
lish language Smiles; because there
is mile between the first and last
letters.
mo, ma'am," said grocer to an
applicant for credit, II don't trust any
body these days. would not even
trust my feelings"
Il see the villain in your face" said
= lawyer 70 an unmanageable witness
That is personal reflection, " retorted
the witness
When man has carrotty hair, red
dish cheeks, q turn-up nose. and sage
look, may be not properly be said to
have vegetable head ?
Traveller Ito the landlord): "Sho"
me room with good fire in it. for |
am very wet. !; send me in a tankard OF
ale, for I'm very dry
A gentleman received telegram
from friend, and handed it to his wife
Dear me, she remarked, ''hpw badly
Mr.. Perkins writes r
Woman has many advantages over
man, one Of them is that his will has
no operations till he is dead, whereas
hers generally takes effect in her life
time.
Some one has remarked, somewhere.
that it is ludicrous sight to behold
physician attending his patients funeral,
it looks SO like tailoE taking home hi.
work.
A man Of rank, hearing that two Of
bis female relations had quarreled. asked:
Ibid they call each other ugly?' mo
"Well, well: | shall soon reconcile
them"
"Why, SUSIE" exclaimed father to
his little pet, you are as plump as
partridge!' .Do you mean that as
hattery, or are you only making game
Of me T. responded Susie
A doctor, attending puuster who
was very i'll, apologized for being late
one day by. saying that he had fallen
down we'll. Ibid he kick the bucket?''
groaned the punster-
..Papa," said small urchin, with
msichievous eye. Il say, papa, ough'
the master to fog fellow for what be-
don't do?' Certainly not my boy" 4"
"Well, then. be fogged me to-day
when didn't do my sum !"
whats the difference between that
timid child there and shipwrecked
sailor y asked young lady Of an old
sea captain. The captain gave it up.
and asked for information. .'Wcll,"
was the reply, ''the difference between
them j. that one clings to its ma. and
the other to its spar"
"Our professor does wonderful things
in surgery" said young medical stu
dent; '.he has actually made new lip f,r
boy, taken from bis cheek" ..Ah,
well,' said his old aunt, ''many's the
time | have known pair taken from
mine, and no very painful operation
either
You can stop clock at any moment,
but you cannot stop a watch. The same
remark, my brethern, applies to the
stopping the talk Of a man and Of
woman. He is great, coarse. ugly
machine. She is beautiful, fragile
jeweled thing-but she will run on un-
til she stops herself.
An Irish clergyman once broke off
the thread Of his discourse. and thus
addressed his congregation MY dear
brethren, let me tell you that | am now
just half through my sermon; but as
perceive your impatience, will say
that the remaining half is MT NOR,
than quarter as long as that you have
just heard"
A sailors wife had just received in
telligence that her husband had persisted |
at sea She was visited BY neighbor,
why sympathized with her on her loss,
and expressed fear that she would be
poorly off. ..'Deed will l." said th.
widow, "but be did all he could for
me he's saved me the expense OF |
buryin' him."
LISA wonderful place. is Australia
said Scoichman. the other day, to a
friend; its thirteen times as big as
Europe" ''How can that be, man.
asked the other, "since Europe's one Of
tbe quarters Of the globe!' IN tell ye
how it is; it wasn't discovered till after
the globe was quartered, and 50 tits madt
q 6fth quarter"
A lady who had been teaching her
little four year old the elements Of
arithmetic was astonisbed by bis rum
ming in and propounding the following
problem: Mamma, if you had three
butterflies, and each butterfly had bug
in his ear. how many butterflies would
you have 7" The mother is still at work
on the problem.
An Indiana man has sued for divorce
on the ground that his wife had bit him
on one spot on his head with rolling
pin for nineteen years, and his physician
tells him that he will certainly have
softening Of the brain unless the wo-
man selects some other point. She de-
clares that she is too old to change her
habits, hence the suit
A blind man had been sitting one
day and pleasantly chatting with some
visitors for an hour. when one of them
wished the company good morning and
left the room .What white teeth that
lady has, said the sarcastic blind man"
"How can you possibly tell that?' said
friend. Because, was the ready
answer, "for the last half hour she has
done nothing but laugh =