Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1876-04-24

When a lady is proud of her small
feet, hasn't she limited understanding :?
What do you take for your cold ?"
said lady to Mr.. -. -Four pocket
handkerchiefs day, madam" was the
answer.
A physician boasted at dinner that he
cured his own hams, when one of his
guests remarked doctor, I'd sooner be
your ham than your patient. -
Every married woman is personally
acquainted with a man who will sit
right alongside the stove and let the fire
20 out.
This is from tombstone in an Indi-
ana cemetery:
under this SOD our babe lies,
1t neither Cries nor HollErs,
1t lived JEST twenty z days,
and cost moren $40.
MADAME" cynically observed a gen
tleman TO leader of fashionable society
Of Washington, woman doesn't seem to
be so much of clinging vine, as she
once was" That's because of the in
security of the manly oak" she replied.
The Toronto Leader relates the follow
lowing: At the Division Court yesterday
a witness was under examination in the
case Of an unpaid account Judge Boyd
put the question to him, What is your
occupation 2" The witness did not seem
to understand the meaning of the word
occupation" and answered with "Eh ~
The Judge-"What do you do for liv-
ing?" Witness-"Oh, my wife's a
dress-maker y
An Ohio editor sat down the other day
and commenced a powerful editorial
headed, "How shall we rise ?" After
writing half column be left his chair
for a few minutes, and when be returned
ne sat down pretty emphatically on a
bent pin placed there by the ''devil. u
He soon ascertained chow to rise" but
be finished the article in the manner he
designed when starting out. notwith-
standing. Then he made the - devil
rise.
URBANITIEs OF TRAvEL.-As the train
stopped for ten minutes, and that indi.
vidual who goes along tapping the
wheels with his hammer was passing
rapidly by the smoking car, one of the
windows was hoisted and a torrent Of
tobacco spit was elected which complete
ly deluged him. The machinist paused
for a moment, and wiping some of The
streams from his person, said to the Of
fender:
mister, what part of the country die
you come from ?"
"Me !" said the splitter, puckering ~
his lips for another expectOratiOn, "a
came from Kansas"
IL thought so" said the machinist
"for if you had lived in Massachusetts
or Connecticut they would have had ;
water wheel in your mouth long ago"
How Mr.. GRANT Cor Our OF TIL
DIFFIcULTY.-Mr. Grant (colored) -
Mornin', Judge. / came on a circum
stance l want you to licidate.
Judge-Well. out with it.
Grant-Well, de whole circumstance
OBJ de bisniss am dis: You see, Judge
in slabery time l had tree wife on ire
plantation. Dey got long berry wei
togedder, when dey was apart, and
was satisfaction. but since rebel time
desc devised statutes" fetch up all des
deru nonsense laws bout man and wife
and find | amt got no wife tall. Is
no lection to dat. but jis here's whar d
shoe pinch jis here | wants your lega
precision. De fac is. Judge, | wants t
jine de church. De boss leader say
can't come it Onless git legally married
Now, kin /. 'cordin' to law, married a
three, or muss ! married but one? !
you say but one, and l tempt it. N
spectacle Judge. you better b'leve da
will be de berry debbil, sir, on dat 'cai
ion in dat church.
Judge-Mr. Grant, under the circuu
stances. seriously advise you to rub OF
all old scores and begin afresh. Marr
q new wife.
Grant-Dst's my ham, l goes in f
you, Judge, all de time l tell you whit
folks is smart. Whar dey can't erav
fish out, cullud folks no use try
Charleston Ne,rs and Courier.