Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1876-11-29
HUMOROUS.

rand"
A GOOD many irritable men have
been looking round after the individ-
ual who asserted that Figures won't
lie."
WIVES of railway conductors are not
always successful with their children.
They use the switch so often that the
locomotive gets little tender.
Mrs. HARRIET BEEcHER STOWE is liv-
ing IN pretty little cottage at Hart
ford, and is as sprightly and full of en-
thuslasm as bright young girl.
LADY VISITOR: envy dear do you
know If your mamma is engaged p"
Little Girl Of the Period: Engaged
Bless you, why she's married !"
A GENTLEMAN met very quiet news
boy selling papers. "Is there any
news?" inquired the gentleman. "Lots
O news" replied the boy, but nothin'
to holler."
AT bedtime now, after the little
Philadelphia boy has said his CHOW I
lay me-" he adds, in a truly thankful
spirit, " Ma, ain't glad I don't have to
sleep out in the shed any more"
SUSAN FLETCHER SMITH, an American
lady, has bequeathed her body for dis
section to Royal college of surgeons,
London, only asking that women stu
dents shall have the first chance.
LENNY," said her maiden aunt.
"You should eat the barley that is in
your soup, or you'll never get a man."
Lenny looking up innocent'y, inquired,
1t that what you eat it for, aunty?"
"AH, Ponto, old fellow! hows the
lumbago, and how's all at home 2"
Better-thanks. I'm bachelor Just
at personalities visiting the mother"
All, then you're fish out o. water"
"Precisely-hot water !"
A WAC tried to annoy popular
preacher by asking him if the fatted
calf in the parable was male or
female. "Female, to be sure" was the
reply, for I see the male in the flesh
before me-"
MOTHER, have L any children ?"
asked an urchin of eight summers.
"Why, mol What put that into your
head?" returned the surprised parent.
Because I read to-day about chill
dren's Children answered the acute
juvenile.
The happiest moments in woman's
life are when she is making her we'd
ding garments; the saddest, when her
husband comes home late at night, and
yells to her from the front steps to
throw him out some keyholes, assorted
sizes.
A CLERGYMAN had just united in mar
rage a couple whose names were re-
spectively Benjamin and Ann. Chow
did they appear during the ceremony"
| asked friend. They appeared both
Anniemated and Bennifted," was the
reply.
JANET. =" Hech, Betty, and here
comes our granny, jest cannily fou I"
Betty" O, ay, she always takes a
muckle On Saturday NIGHT, just to last
her over the Sawbaath, for she's far
too releegious a body to drink sperrit O.
the Laird's Daay."
"WHAT's your name?" said an Of
hcer to young colored lad who joined
his ship at the Cape, "Algoa Bay, sir"
" Where were you born?" "Wasn't
born at all" "Wasn't born at ALP"
No, sir; was wash ed ashore in
storm"
A MICHIGAN justice Of the peace
having been hunted up with some diff
fculty by q Geographic messenger,
with a dispatch announcing his fathers
death, refused to pay the charge of de-
livery. He says ssI amt agoin' to pay
for that news, for I've expecting the
old man to die for some time"
"Do you see that fellow lounging ?"
said Bumkins, the other day. eyes.
How does he manage to Hve-by his
wits % 90, no he's a cannibal." "a
cannibal How?" che lives on other
people" was BIS reply, as he vanished
around the corner"
"EL1zA," said a clergyman to one of
his Pensioners, whom he saw with her
hair in curling papers, eff God had de.
signed your hair to curl, He would have
curled it for you. "He did, sir, when
was a child" was the reply, "but He
thinks now I am old enough to do it
myself"
A LADY who must be a relative of
Mrs. Darlington, was entertaining some
friends with a fine leg of mutton at
dinner the other day, when one of the
guests remarked that the mutton was
exceedingly line IN quality. go, yes"
says she, my husband always buys
the best. He is great epicac."
AN elderly gentleman was travelling
lately while afflicted with bad cough,
which greatly annoyed his fellow-trav-
elers; and at last one of them remarked
in a displeased tone, "Sir, that is very
bad cough of yours 'True, sir" re-
piled the gentleman, ''but you will ex-
cuse me-it's the best I've got"
CHRISTMAS morning they stood before
the altar, and the music of the mar
riage bells was sweeter to them than
the music of the spheres. Christmas
morning, four years later, bald-head-
ed man jumped out of bed, half dis
tracted, and wanted to know why his
wife was such fool as to put Christ
mas horn in that boys stocking.
MUST have his joke-Custome Oh,
think I'll have the last fish you've got;
it'll mako tho holt do1op Caster.