The Stark County Democrat. [volume] (Canton, Ohio) 1833-1912, 1876-03-02
Qhe shwt onmg empraf Canton to ghnrsdp 4lah 1915


who his parents were. He does not
want to know, either, laughter for they
might want him to call around in their
old age.
The lecturer here extensively moral.
lied upon these remarks. He showed
how some people vainly boasted of their
descent and looked not upon their worth
as apart from this. One of the greatest
men America could boast of was man
who commenced life as shoemaker an
afterwards becamea President. All great
and distinguished men have had to push
their way up in the world. Amy person
may jump into the tide of good fortune
and be borne along with ease, but it takes
a man to jump into the river and face
the foaming current, and with deter
mined energy force his way through the
battling waters, until he picks himself
out, above the cataract, and rearing him
self aloft, proudly looks down upon the
seething waters beneath with the salts
faction of a conqueror, Applause J
Think like man, speak like man, act
like man and be man. Go on I'M
daunted. Fear God and know no other
fear. Applause Among the men he
lauded, foremost came George Washing
ton, who was the first man in his age,
who dared to take the bold stand he did.
John @. Adams also received tribute of
laudation, and Whittier was not forgot
ten.
The turtle was the only animal that
could swallow his own head and tail, or
eyes. [Laughter,] While he rests he is
his own landlord. He owns the house
in which he lives. 1t protects him from
the sun in the heat of the day, from the
wind and cold in wintry weather, and
from the rains in the wet season. He
takes it about with him wherever he
goes. He is always at home, and he
never wants to see any person else at
his home. He never makes any tea
parties Laughter.
The humorous speaker gave some very
pointed illustrations of human beings,
who, like the swapping turtle, snapped
at everything, and were suited with
nothing
The turtle was very independent. At
the time the food overfowed this Coun-
try, and all the other animals went into
the ark, he did not so much as ask Noah
for admission. Whilst others were strug-
Cling for lifein that flood, he went around
taking care of himself and having gen.
eral "bum" on his own hook. OF course
he thought every morning that there
had been very heavy dew, and atnight
that it was rather foggy, and at all times
that it was generally damp.
The Swapping Turtle" does not be-
lieve in carrying tales; but it believes in
the universal privilege and independence
of being your own "boss." He generally
has a shut mouth, although he can open
it as wide as he pleases. Something like
an old maid of whom he once heard.
He did not desire to speak disrespect-
fully of old maids, because he was an old
bachelor himself, [laughter] and there
was no telling how things might turn out
He remembered whilst speaking upon
the matter recently, to show his earnest
ness, he said that "if there was any old
maid present, who was strictly respeCta-
BILE and honorable, he would be on the
stand for five minutes after the lecture,
and she could come up. And if she
suited me and | suited her; why, if | did
not marry her myself, l would refer her
to somebody else" [Roars Of laughter
An old maid sent him word next morn
ing that she preferred the recommends
ton. Renewed laughter. He often
wished he had been born an old maid;
and looking over his spectacles he inno-
Gently asked: "Wouldn't have been a
beauty ?" Laughter. He thought all
old maids good, and God had simply pre-
vented them taking husbands because
he had some other nobler purpose for
them. But to return. The old maid he
was speaking of wanted to be married.
When a certain friend of his returned
from the Senate, she asked him what
they were doing there. He replied that
there was nothing particular going on
there. Nevertheless there was one Pc
culiar law which they had just passed,
and that was that all old maids with
small mouths were to have husband.
She screwed her mouth up to its smallest
compass, and half through her nose said:
"You don't say So" He then went on
and stated that just previous to his de-
parture there was still a more curious
law passed. That was that any woman
with a large mouth was to have three
husbands. She then relaxed the muscles
around her mouth, and opening it to its
widest extent, answered; "Is that SO ?
Is that so?" Laughter,l
In the concluding part Of his lecture,
Mr.. Geiger gave some very amusing
sketches of what would be the result, and
the convenience attending mans forma-
ton something on the plan Of the turtle.
His anatomy then would enable him to
drop down his head into his shoulders,
which would be more than convenient
on many occasions. In the church it
could serve as an indicator. Let it be
understood, as the parson read over the
ten commandments, that each time some
particular sin was mentioned, those
guilty of it must just drop in." At the
conclusion what a headless level would
be visible, and it is very probable the
parsons head would be going up and
down all the time. Laughter. He
trusted they would then allow him to
"drop out" Applause. ]-1oIedo Dem.