Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1876-08-30
Humorous Waifs.

WHAT part Of speech is most distastcfu
TO lovers The third person.
TmE obituary Of book agent says lie
was aman Of marked composure of manner"
TmE weather has been so hot in Kentucky
lately that a good many farmers were obliged
to fan their wheat.
Lavender says they have Centennial
chicken-pie at his boarding-house. All the
chickens are a hundred years old.
WHAT do you propose to take for your
cold 2" said lady to a sneezing gentleman
"Oh, III sell it very cheap; | won't higgle
about the price at all
"YoU are nuisance I'll commit you"
said an offended judge to a noisy person in
court. " You have no right to commit Il
nuisance" said the offender.
TmE largest feet known to history must
be those Of the Maryland editor who writes
I'VE black our boots with fifteen million
boxes of domestic backing year
TmEY debate strange questions down East.
The last was. "What is the difference be-
tween the Bridge of Signs and the size of
bridge 2" The next is TO be- "The difference
between facsimile aud a sick family"
CIRCUMSTANCES alter cases." said law
suit Ceases alter circumstances. savagely
replied the client "By your management
of my cases my circumstances have been
nearly ruined"
ALApY who was suffering under slight
indispostion told her husband that it was
with the greatest difficulty she could breathe,
and the effort distressed her exceedingly.
&" wouldn't try my dear" soothingly re-
sponded the husband.
"CLARENcE. you've got a real kind heart, "
gratefully observed a young lady ON the cars
10 a sallow-faced youth, as he dropped prize
package of popcorn in her lap. Yes, Mary
my hearts all right" he sadly replied
What | want Is new liver
A MINISTER in one of his parochial visits
met a cowboy, and asked him what o'clock
| it was About twelve sir" was the reply
Wei" remarked the minister, :" thought
il was more" ITS never any more here, y
said the boy al it just begins at one again
SAID to little brother Howard, -" There
your toes are out of your stockings again
seems 10 me they wear out in a hurry
Giving comical leer, he said, " DO you
know why stockings wear out first at the
toes 2" No" " Because toes rigqie, and
heels don't.
"TLI bet a sheep" said old Mr. Meredith
to his better half, "that our boy Olho is 90
ing crazy fur he's GRIMM at the plow, he.
GRIMM at the barn, and he's grimm at him
self wherever he goes" "Pshaw old man,
said his wife, "you don't know nothin'
The critters got love-letter"
A cool young gent, all of the modern
days, entered menagerie with cigar in
his mouth, when the proprietor politely re-
quested the visitor not 10 teach the other
monkeys bad habits. The young man
proved himself equal to the occasion by pro
ducing his cigar case and saying, " Try one.
"SPEAKING of bathing" said Mrs. Part.
ington, from behind the steam that arose
from her tea as veil 10 her bushes when
touching upon so delicate subject, some
can bathe with perfect impurity in water a,
cold as Grecnhnds icy mountains and IN
dia's coral strands but, for my part pre-
fer TO have the water little torpid
A cARrESrER who was always prognosti
eating evil TO himself, was one day upon the
roof Of a iye-story building, upon which
rain mad fallen. The roof being slippery, he
lost his footing aud, as he was descending
toward the caves he exclaimed, "Just as
told youl" Catching, however, ON an iron
spout, he kicked OFF his shoes and regained n
place OF safety wien nc thlls ucilNelcd HlHl-
self 81 know'd it, there's pair OF shoes
gone ?"
A room lrishman applied 10 one of the
overseers of the poor for relief, and upon
some doubts being expressed AS TO whether
he was a proper object for parochial relief,
he enforced his suit with much earnestness.
"Och, yer honor" said he, "shure I'd be
starved long since but for me cat" But
for what 2" asked the astonished interroga-
tor. Me cat" rejoined the lrishman.
Your cat how SO 2" Shure, yer honor, |
sould her eleven times for sixpence time,
and she was always home before ! could get
! there mesef."