Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1876-05-31
Witicisnls.

WHEN do two and two not mako
four? When they stand for twenty
two.
WHEN parents yield up their daugh.
tiers in marriage they do it with Miss
givings.
If you wish for money, send a postal
card to the man who owes you, and the
thing is dun.
WHEN she struck him over the head
with tin dipper for trying to kiss her.
he called it the Naturalization of the
belle.
SPILKINs says there are two WAYS in
which fair, fat and forty" makes it.
self conspicuous, viz: Its waste of
signs, and It's size of waist.
CEMETERY is the name of a new
station on the Stony Creek Railroad.
All dead-heads are expected to get off
at this station.
AN Illinois minister announced on
his Sunday bulletin: "The funeral of
Judas Iscariot." To which an obliging
fellow added: Friends of the de.
ceased are cordially invited"
A JERsEYMAN married five wives. and
they were all red headed. He explains
1t by relating that the first one clawed
the spirit out of him so completely
that he didn't care after that if he mar
ried a porcupine.
YAzE, my frients, I calls ices a per-
spiral Staircase" as Dom Pedro gasped
when he pulled out his handkerchief
and mopped his brow, on the wav up
to the dome of the capital.-N. Y. Conn.
advertiser.
How to raise cats-First catch YOUR
cats; and then put them in barrel and
explode can of nitro-glycerine under
them. 1t never fails to raise 'em: but
the cats come down greatly democrat
lied.
Two tramps stopped at the house of
lone widow, and one went in to beg.
Very soon he came out with bloody
nose and black eye. "Did you get
anything, Jack.?" "Yes," growled the
sufferer. "I've got the widows might"
A STUDENT who failed to pass in his
Greek history examination, repudiated
with scOrn the insinuation that he WAS
not prepared. He had crammed him.
self, ne said, SO tight that he could not
get it out.
A SMART answer-A minister in one
OF his parochial visits met cowherder.
and asked him what o'clock it was.
About twelve, sir" was the reply.
"sWell," quoth the minister, al
thought it had been more" cts
never any more here" said the boy,
1t just begins at one again."
1--WE knowed that mule for three
yeahs, and I don't think dat de animal
would hurt a lam cause" This
blank space indicates where the lecture
was interrupted, and the darkey for
warded to the other side of the fence
by the same mule.
My son." said a stern father to q
seven-year-old hopeful, ct must dis
cipline you. Your teacher saws
you are the worst boy in
ply, "only yesterday she said I was
just like my father"
The chief difference between the
nice little Sunday-school boy and the
nice little Cannibal Island boy would
seem to be that the former keeps a
cent for the missionary plate and the
latter plate for the missionary sent.
WHEN Mark Antony threw himself
upon the "dear remains" of his
loved Caesar in Pittsburgh theatre the
other evening, he struck the corpse"
fair in the stomach, which had the
effect of doubling it up with a grunt
that rather detracted from the
solemnity of the occasion.
HERE are many trying things in life,
but a mans self-respect is never SO
wounded as when he sees a silver ten
cent piece lying on showcase; makes
up his mind to steal it; gently reaches
out his hand to take it in, and then dis
covers that it is glued on to the under
side of the glass.
IT is related of Sidney Smith that
once, on entering a drawing-room in
West End mansion, he found it lined
with mirrors On al sides. Finding
himself reflected On in every direction,
he said that he " supposed he was at
meeting Of the clergy, and there SEEM
ed to be avery respectable attendance.
A TowANDA, Pa, sign reads thus,
John Smith-teacher of cowtillions
~'AA~~ ooAAOA uoAOCo d1ucI CalG LII tl0
neetest manner-fresh salt herrin on
hand likeways Godfrey's cordial
sassage and other garden truck B.
A bawl on friday night-praper meetin
on chuesday also saline singin by the
quire
AN absent-minded editor having
courted girl and applied to her
father, the old man said: "Well, you
want my daughter; what sort of set
Element do you make? What will you
give herY' "Give her." replied the
other, lookingly up vacantly; ooh. I'll
give her puff" "Take her." replied
the father.
AN illiterate preacher in Illinois inn
proves upon the ordinary version Of the
Holy Scriptures by sermonizing from
the text; First cast out the bean that
is in yer own eye, and then you'll know
how to cast out the oats that is In
his'n." This probably rendered the
command more effective in the agrlcul
tural districts.