Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1876-12-20
HUnOROUx.

HUHOROUR
UNPATENTED, But EFFIcIENr.-A row
ing agent stopped at old Sis house on
Friday. A-
"Ah, sir, / am introducing to the
citizens new and excellent patent fire
kinder"
He sat down a tin bucket and pulled
out one of his turpentine swabs.
"Wha' do yer call dat?" asked old Sis
''That, sir, is my patent dre kinder,
which largely facilitates the operation
Of"
ssAn' yer wants ter sell me one OBJ
dem tings?"
'sYes, sir, shonld like to-"
''I'm 'bleeged ter yer fer de kin'ness,
but yer see rse got a eight-year ole gal
in dis hous' dat got dat fire-kindlin'
contract, an dis heah right han OBJ
mine ferlisertates de operashuns when
eber dar's a fallin' off OBJ de willin'-
ness"
The agent decamped, and old 81
turned around to remark:
''Long ez dar's light'oOd in George
an marrer i'm de ole mans bones ne
amt gwine ter freeze ter deth FER de
want of a turpytine fire-starter. p
Atlanta Herald.
Cor OFF AT THE WRONG STATION
The death of one of the Oldest citizens
of BroOkfield recalls an incident in her
career which happened some fifteen
years ago.
She was going to Stamford to visit
daughter, and took her seat in the cars
for the first and only time in her life.
During the ride an accident occurred
whereby the car in which she was
seated was thrown down an embank-
ment and demolished. Crawling out
from beneath the debris she spied a
man who was held down In sitting
posture by his legs being fastened.
"Is this Stamford?" she anxiously
inquired.
The man was from Boston. He was
in considerable pain, but he did not lose
sight of the fact that he was from
Boston; so he said:
"No, this is catastrophe"
"Oh" calculated the old lady, "then
hadn't oughter got off here"
This was so evident as to make a
reply unnecessary.-Dc1bu Ne,cs.
X. Will Ill Ills
on works of benevolence, looked closely
after his pence. He hated nothing more
than the notion of being taken in, and
it was rare indeed that any trickster
could make that boast. On one occa-
sion, when travelling in Ireland, he
was greatly annoyed by what seemed
very extortionate demand on the part
of car driver, and he accordingly re-
sented the attempt at imposition by
giving the man his bare legal fare.
After looking at the coin for few
seconds, Pat began to laugh. '.Bcdad,
said he, "they may call you MIR. Pay
body; but L call you Mr.. Paynobody.
Nor GUILTY.-A burly looking female
of unmistakable Celtic origin was re-
Gently arraigned before magistrate for
some ordinary offence. While nature
had magnificently endowed her with
good health and physical strength, the
question of good looks had been neg
lected in the haste in which she had
been prepared for the world.-"What
are you up here for?" inquired the
magistrate. "My beauty, L reckon"
"Yonr what ?'' "My beauty" Are
you certain of that?' ''Oh, bedad
there's no mistake" "Then l discharge
you-you amt guilty. And the ac-
quilted lady took her departure.
sBRUTUs BLINKENBERRY," said that
gentleman's wife, drawing a paper
from her pocket in the privacy of the
chamber on Sunday morning, '.Brutus
Blinkenberry, I've counted, and out Of
the last thirty days you have come
home intoxicated twenty seven nights !;
what do you think of yOurself?"
Blinkenberry groaned. "Well, what
are you groaning about now?" "Them
three nights" replied Blinkenberry,
with an expression of horrible suffer-
ing"
A YOUNG DANBURY boy proposed to
his father that he should 90 fishing, but
his father had other business for him
that dav. "Father," said the young
man, ''do you know what solomon said
about boys going fishing?" "SOlomon
didn't say anything about it," replied
the parent. ''Yes, he did. He said, If
you spare the rod you spoil the child"
81 won't spare it," said the old gentle
man, promptly. And he did not, but
the son thinks he got hold of the wrong
rod.
BUTTER is very high just now, and
Spilkins' landlady remarked to that
gentleman, with emphasis, this MORN
ing, as he was preparing piece Of
bread: "Mr. Spilkins, that al is Gosh
lug butter, and will make you sick if
you spread it too thick" Spilkins says
that many is the time when she has
snatched him froE, the tomb by her
carefulness.
THE extensive authority of parents
under the Chinese laws is well known.
mother fiOgged him every day, shed
tears in the company of one of his
friends. "Why do you weep?" was
asked. "Alas! things are not as they
used to be-" answered the devoted son.
"The poor woman's arm grows feebler
every day."
"MATILDA JANE" wrote Artemus
Ward as he stood at the tomb of Shake
speare, "this man was a poet. Not such
a one as the young man who used to
write verses to our Sarah Ann. Shake
speare was a boss poet-a man who,
when an emergency came, could rise up
and cave in the emergency's head"
The clerk of cockney church re-
Gently made the following announce
ment to the congregation "You are
desired to attend meeting in the vestry,
at four O'Clock, to consider on the best
means of, eating the church, and to
digest other matters"
A LADY who was suffering under a
slight indisposition, told her husband
that it was the greatest difficulty she
could breathe, and the effort distressed
her exceedingly. 81 wouldn't try, my
DEAR" soothingly responded the hus-