davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

A Minister of Highland church after
preaching a tedious sermon on happiness,
during which he enumerated the various clas-
ses of happy persons, asked one of his elders
what he thought of the discourse. "You
omitted ono large class of the happy" replied
the elder, "and that is they who escaped
your sermon"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

A man who was not clever at comndrums,
In attemptipgto get off one, at tea party at
his own, house the other evening, became ex-
ceedingly mixed, He intended to ark the,old
question, why is IA woman ike ivy?' the IA
inlllar but gdhnt answer to which is, BE
cause the more you're ruined the closer she
clings.' But he put it, "Why is ivy ike a
woman? ?" which none of the ladies could tell,
and so the unfortunate man told them himself
that it was Because the closer it elngs the
more you're ruined" f.a.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

Lavander went home some time after mid
night and complained of his tight boots. ''If
your boots are tight as you are" said Law
ander's wife, 'they ought to sleep with you"
As Lavander staggered up stairs he NUT
tered :A'She's a hicl keen one. She knows
where them bootsh goin' to sleep"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

An Flrishman one day met his priest at a
milestone. "Arrah your rivcrence, there S
prast, said he, pointing to the milestone.
"a priest why do you call that priest,
Mike| "Why, your riverence, It's at least
like praist, for it points the road it never
. goes itSelfp r y. I. I. h.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

She had been fishing for trout very long
and very patiently without catching any. when
her husband espied her, and asked her what
sort of flies she used. 'Oh," she answered,
some nice ones that | bought in Paris on
pnrpose."9 ''But," exclaimed the husband
pulling out her line and looking at the
flies, these flies will never catch trout. Who
ever heard of fishing for trout with flies of
this color" why" replied the wife, they
are all 9iightrthey match my dress, you
see y"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

First School Girl (sweet eighteenth am
so tired Of walking along by twos and twos in
this wayi It's as bad as the animals going
into the.ark
Second Ditto (ditto ditto)-Worse Half
of them were masculine
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

A merchant off certain city, who died sud
denly, left in his desk letter written to one
of his correspondents. His sagacious clerk,
son of Erin, seeing it necessary to send the
letter, wrote at the bottom, Since writing the
above / have died.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

The young ladies of Sabetha, Kan, are
about to Introduce new game called kiss
me quick and let me co. At rehearsals,
says the editor Of the Advance, the boys do
the skissiug part all right but somehow or
other tofret thea.'let me go' business The
girls seem to forget that part, too, for they
never prompt the BOYS - -
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

Sister" Well, you know, Bobby, your eye
is very infamed; you cant go out with Tom
my Brown till that speck of dust's out of it."
Bobby (anxious to be otf)-'Tm all right, |
know it's out now; Earnestly II think l
heard it fall - London EMn. =
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

WHAT AN EDIToR Is,-An editor is de-
ibed as man who is liable to errors Of
,mmar, toothaehe, typographical errors, and
pses.o of memory, and has twenty-five thous-
] people watching to catch him tripping
nan of sorrow aud acquainted with grief;
pily paid, poorly estimated, yet euyied by
me of the great men he has made,
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

"YopNe. AuTHoR. Yes, Agassiz docsre
commend authors to eat fish because the pho :
phorus in it makes brains. So far you are cor
rect. But cannot help you to a decision about
the amount you need to eat-at least not with
certainty II, the specimen composition you
send is about your fair, usual average should
judge that couple of whales would be all
that you want for thepresent. Not the largest
kind, but simply good miidlng-sized whales.
-Aark Tram, III Tie Galary.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

A Western girl visited music store and
asked for "The Heart Boiled Down with
Grease and Care" and "When l Swallowed
Homemade Pies The clerk at once rocog-
uiZed what she desired.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

"A skipper. of down East coaster named
the "Hyeua" was recently asked what his YES
sci was named after. His honest and sober
reply was, II don't know, expect some great
man in Congress "
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

Discussion between wise child and its
Aberdonian tutor: That star you see up
there is bigger than this world" mo, it
isn't" Yes, it is" Then why don't it
keep the rain Off"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

1t isn't the chilly feeling of corn husk
matsress which the common traveller objects
TO, but the nubbins of corn which the manu-
faeturer puts in out of sympathy for the rats.
- Detroit Free Press
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

A Astudent explained to his professor "It's
OF noeuse; | was cut out for loafer.n
"Well," declared the professor, whoever cut
you out understood his business"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

A lady, in describing to an irreverent boy
, occurrence in which his father figured
ed by lemarking Il am sorry to say that
ssahing ended by your father losing his ten
a Did father lose his temper 2" ex-
aimed the young scapega,e "Then hope
Ell never find il sgain, for il was the woIsi
mper ever heard Of"
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20
Humorous.

An cditor's excuse for disseminating the
publication of his paper was, that everybody
else stopped the paper and he thought he
would
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

The roses have done blowing for this year,
but the noses will take it up where the roses
left off, as soon as the first frost came.--
burlington Hd,ck Ee.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

A book agent who. started out to canvass
Ior The Tgibtlations of the Martyrs" was
Kicked out tof five offices the first day, and
nearly scaldcd to death by an irate woman
whom he interrupted in her culinary duties.
Now he swears that the tribulations of the
martyrs amount to just nothing compared to
his own, aud wants his name added to the list
when a new edition of the book is printed
hoyYisfosrn Herdid isF4 ..t n
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

An Allnusas man tboughtlessly set spring
ins in his poultry yard and the next morning
'ihe rising sun, he rubbed his spectacleS in
eechless huiazemeni at eighteen candidates
Governor sitting on the trout ieuce picking
I'd shot out Of their thirty,six legS
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

lie bought cheap coat Of gentleman,
and he observed next day that it was made of
wo kinds Of cloth, or else it had faded from
ome peyious wear and tear, Ha went to the
ealer with fire in his eyes. The dealer looked
I the coat with surprise and at the wearer
ith extreme wonder "Vy my gootness l'
le said, you been wear dat coat in de sun |
lou tink him maat Of sheet iron, hey
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20
Three Points for Consideration.

During the past FIVE years vegetlne has been
steadily working itself into public favor and those
who were at first most ncredulOus In regard TO It's
merits are now It's most ardent friends and support
crS There are three essential causes for those hav
Ing horror OF patent medicines changing their
opinion and lending their influence toward the ad-
vancement OF Veg tine LIST, IL Is an honestly pre-
pared medicine from barks, roots and herbs. Cd It
honestly acc9mpishes all that Is claimed for t,with-
out leaving any bad effects in the system 3d. It pre-
sents honest vouchers in testimonials from honest.
welknown citizens whose signatures are sufficient
guarantee OF their earnestness In the matter. TAX
Ing into consideration the vast quantity of medicine
flaming advertisements In the newspaper columns
with no PROOF OF merit or genuine vouchers OF what
II has done, we should be pardoned for m0nlfestng
small degree OF pride In presenting the following
testimonial from Rev. j. Dlckerson the nopular
and ever genial pastor OF the South Baptist Church,
BostOn
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20
PENNSYLVANIA RAIL ROAD.
Philadelphia & Erie r. Il. Division.
SUMNER TINE TABLE
WESTWARD.

AN and after SUNDAY, APR. 23, 1876
" the trains on the Philadelphia & Erie Raj
ltoad Division viii run as follows:
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

Sores, Rheumatism. Neuralpia Pain in
the Bones, Side and Head. Female
Weakness Ster;litv 7 Iencorrbo % zoo ar;s;me iiaie
from internal liberation, and Uterine
disease, Syphilitic and Merourial dis.
eases, Dropsy. Dyspepsia, Emaciation.
General Debility, and for Purifying the
Blood.
lhls SarSaparlllal combination of
vegetable alternatives - Stillingia, Man
drake, Yellow Dock with the Iodides
of Potassium and Iron. and ia the most
etficacious medicine vet known for
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20
Verbatim Reporting.

TERMS: Actual travelling, boarding, and other
expenses nYe dollars session, for taking the report
an teli cents foilo, (Lundred words, for writing
out Into long. hand.
Where the matter reported In one day equals or
exceeds hfty foliuS thC nyedolar fee VIII be REMIT
ed, AMI the transcrlbng Ong-hand charged at
lfteeH cents folio, bu all such cases, II fewer
than fty OllOs are purchased The i've dollars will
be charged
Address,. n. Walker A. NJ. Court-stenog-
rapher, b.uom5lurg, Columbia county, pennsylya
MIA.
Residence Iron street, between Third and
Fourth.
Omce.- With f. L. Orvis Esq. ,Colpmbian-build-
ing; entrance, opposite the east gate 10 the court
house yald, first noor FIRST door 10 right.
Onlce-h0ur, from. twelve TO one O'Clock.
Feb Is, lS76-ly
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20
FrcepOrt and Dubuque Zine
Is the only route for Elgin, Rockford, Freepor and
all poil Is Via Freeport. It's
Chicago and Niiivvaulkce Line
Pullman Palace Cars

Is the old Lake Shore Route and is the o. ly one
passing through Evanston, Lake Forest, Highland
Park, Waukegan, Racine, Kenosha to Milwaukee.
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

& end 95c. 20 q. p. ROwELL a CO.; New York. 70
- Pamphlet OF 100 pages, eCntainiI lists OF 80
DC wspapers and estimates showing cost OF aayert-
ng, - March 10 ys-
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20
CALIFORNIA

THE CHICAGO & NoRTH-wEsTERN RAILWAY
Embraces under one management the Great Trunk
Railway Lines of the WEST and NORrH-W ESTand
with It's numerous branches and connections, forms
the shortest and quickest route between Chicago
and all points In ILLINOIS, WISCONSIN, NoRTHEKN
MICHIGAN, MIsNEsoTA, Iowa, NEBRASKA, California
and the Western Territories. It's
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

The following unsolicited testimonial from Rev. o.
T. Walker, ID. D., formerly pastor OF Bowdoin square
church, and at present settled in Providence r. l..
must be esteemed as reliable evidence No one should
fail to observe that this testimonial Is the result OF
two years experience with vegetine in Rev. MIR.
Walkers family, who now pronounces II invaluable.
PRovIDENcE r. l., l64 Transit st.
IT, X STEVENS Esq:
feel bound to express with my signature the high
value place upon your Vegetine. NV family have
used it for the last two years. In nervous denty It.
Is Invaluable, and recommend II to all iwho may
need an invigorating renovating tonic.
o. r. WALKER
Form rly pastor of Bowdoin So Church Rostnn
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20

| II. r. STEVENS, ESQ:
Dear Sir-1t Is as much from a sense ot dutv as OF
gratitude that write TO say that vour Negetine has
been OF great help TO me when nothing else seemed
to avail which could safely use. Either excessive
mental work or unusual care brings upon me ner-
vOus exhaustion that desperately needs sleep but as
desperately deheS IT, Night after night the poor,
tired body sues for sleep until the daydawn Is well
coined back, and we begin our work tired out with
nm almost frnitleSS chase after rest. Now have
found that little vegetine taken lust before retire
gives me sweet and Immediate seep and without
any Of the evil effects of the usual narcotics think
two things would tend to make brain. workers Sleep
|, little less work 2. a little more vegetne. This
prescription has helped me. Yours. &c,
j. 8. DICKERsoN,
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20
The Best Evidence,


The following letter from Rev. E. s. Best pastor OF
the NJ r. Church, NatCk, Mass, VIII be read with I'm.
terest by many physicians. No person can doubt
this testimony and there Is doubt OF the curative
powers OF Vegetine.
NATIoK, Mass, Jan. /, 1874.
II. r. STEVENS:
Dear sir--we have good Ieason for regarding your
Vegetne medicine OF the greatest value. We feel
assured that IL has been the means of saving our
sons life lie Is now seventeen years OF age; for the
last two years he has suffered from necrosis of the
leg, caused by scrofulous affection, and so far
reduced that nearly all who saw him thought his re-
covery impossible council of able physicians could
give us but the faintest hope OF his ever raying two
OF the number declaring that he was beyond the
reach OF human remedies, that even amputation
could not save him. Just then we commenced giving
him Vegetine, and from that time To the present he
has been continuously improving. He has lately re-
suIned his studies thrown away crutohes and cane,
and walks about cheerfully and strong.
Though there is still some discharge where the
limb was lanced we have the fullest confidence that
In little time he viii be perfectly cured
lie has taken about three dozen bottles of vege-
tine, but lately uses but little. he declares that he
Is too well to be taking medicine.
Respectfully yours, -.,...
...,N ..... u. s. BEST
4.. .... Mrs. /, c. f. BEST
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20
Reliable Evidence.

~ n Reliable Evidcncc.
i7s Baltic ST., Brooklyn, Nov. II, 1871
II. r. STEVENS, ESQ: ..
Dear sir-From personal benefit received Dv It's use
as well as from personal knowledge of those whose
cures thereby have seemed almost miraculous, can
most heartily and sincerely recommend Vegetine for
the complaints which 1t is claimed TO cure.
[. JAMES p. LUDLew,
Late Pastor Calvary Bap. Church, sacramento. Cal
Vegetinc is sold by all Druggists.
fQ.t ~
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20
Chicago, Madison g. 81. Paul Line
Wimona and 81. E'eter Lime

Is the short line for Northern Wisconsin and Mime
sofa, and for Madison, st. Paul, Minneapolis, Duluth
ana all points In the great Northwest. IT'S
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20
Ayers
Sarsaparilla

For Scrofula, and all
scrofulous diseases, Erysi.
pelas, Rose, or st. Antho.
ny's Fire, Eruptions and
Eruptive diseases of the
skin, Ulcerations of the
Liver, Stomach, Kidneys,
Lungs, Pimples, Pustules,
Boils, Blotches, Tumors,
letter, Salt Rheum, Scald
Head Rinnmornn Irlnnrn
The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1876-10-20
Omaha and California Line

Is the shortest and best route for all points In north
ern Illinois, Iowa, Dakota, Nebraska, wyoming,
Colorado Nevada, Utah, California, oregon, China,
Japan and Australia. It's
The New York herald. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1840-1920, 1876-06-13
The Hayes Squadron, IIartranfl's Company P,
the Washburne Squad.
ANY ONE TO BEAT THE DEMOCRATS

To those desiring clear, approximate idea
Of the relative strength Of each of the Presi-
Dental candidates at Cincinnati the follow
ing carefully prepared table will be Of great
value. The figures are made up according
to the views of the various delegates ~ ex-
pressed to our special correspondents, and
it is, therefore, as nearly accurate as 1t is
possible to have it under the circumstances.
We present it as necessary part Of the
present campaign.
The New York herald. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1840-1920, 1876-06-13

| SUxxARy.-Twenty for Brst0w. No second choice.
There Is also contrasting delegation, eaded by Sena-
tor Spencer which Ii Instructed for Aouion.
The New York herald. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1840-1920, 1876-06-13


obdyke. who has been out OF health, and Mr.. F,cro
who has been detained on business with
Senator Robertson and Speaker Husicd mr.
Mr. Conkiings nomination the resolution
actcu on in tho New York delegation to-day; thus
making the vote OF New York stand 6s Tor Senator
Conking and two against him. Senator Robertson
ana Speaker Hustled, when asked the qucs ION admit
ted tina, tcey had made visit 10 Columbus 10 pay
their respects to Governor Hayes The chosen Tor
tins act OF graceful inter State courtesy Is regarded
here as somewhat singular. although rom
the fact that both gentlemen cheerfulIy and
promptly recorded their votes for Mr. Conki,pg, it
seems that their visit to the Ohio capital would
designed to impress upon Governor Hayes
idea that they would object TO him the Prcsi
Dental candidate. A prominent New York delegate
stated tonight that he felt quite confident that
Neither the Westminster Senator tho Speaker Of
the New York Assembly would condesccnd 10 lay pipe
with outside candidate, although ike all politicians
spirit and ability, thcy were, douos. ambitious OF
prcicrmeni.
close calculation OF Mr. Blalne's strength TO night
gives him 260 votes the 1rst ballot, provided tho
approximations effect OF his much dcporcd at
tack should be removed prior TO the meeting Of tho
Convontion His sanguine friends gvo him higher
number.
KENTUCKY ABASpoSs sRIsrow.
The KentucKy delegation met tonight and resolved
10 present 10 tho Convention tho name OF John n.
Harlan Tor permanent President This Is an abandon
ment OF Brls,ow as . Presidential candidate. Their
members OF committees are as follows For National
Committee, W. q. Goodoc; on Resolutions, James
Speed; on Organization. }. ,. Landrum; on credon-
tiais. j. W. FinneiL
The New York herald. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1840-1920, 1876-06-13
IOWA.

SUMMARY.-Thfrty Tor MOTION. Al THIS IS MoTt0nG
own State the delegation Will not admit . sccosl
ch5icc
The New York herald. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1840-1920, 1876-06-13
THE ARMY OF ''FAVORITE SONS"
How They Will Be Sacrificed
Like Jephtha's Daughter.
eLAINE's BATTLE FRONT.
Morton's Black Brigade Bristow's
Western Whoopers.

CONKLING'S SOLID PHALANX.
Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-11-03

AN IRISH SOLDIERS DEVOTION TO
STONEWALL JACKsoN.-Saturday morn
ing quite early Mr.. Taylor, clerk at the
Treasurer's Office at the Capitol, saw
middle-aged and bronze-faced Irishman
coming through the square with a bag
over his shoulder. Such sight was not
uncommon {; but Mr.. Taylor in watching
him further naticed that he was making
for the Statue of Stonewal jackson, and
when he reached it he dashed his bag aside,
wiped his face, and fell on his knees in
front of the bronze image of the great gen.
eral, and was soon evidently engaged in
prayer. The sight Of a man engaged in
prayer so completely upset Mr.. Taylor that
he sent Policeman Drinkard over there to
interrogate the praying Irishman. Before
the policeman reached the place, the son
of old ireland got up from his knees, and
in answer to the question of Policeman
Drinkard said ''He was my old gineral,
and I thought as was passing 1 would
stop and offer a prayer for him. '-Rich-
mao1ad Whig.
Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-11-03
FOR HIMSELF ALON E.

eyes, said Mr.. Edenhall, glanc ing
across the room to the window where
sat Isabel Graham looking cool and beau
tiful in her blue summer silk and EN- rold-
cred muslin founces. ssThat is the state Of
the case exactly, my dear sister. l shall
never marry until 1 am quite sure that the
woman whom [ wish to make my wife is
capable Of loving me for myself alone"
ssHoW are you to be sure ?o asked Mrs.
Stewart.
And she, too, glanced toward the lovely
blonde bending so gracefully over her open
book, and apparently absorbed in it's pages,
while in reality her ears were strained to
catch each word uttered by the brother
and sister before the library fire.
Zone can always tell,'' said MI. Eden
hall, enigmatically.
Isabel Graham heard and pondered. The
prize evidently hung just before her. Her
own experience and the whispered encou-
ragement Of her former schoolmate, Gala
Stewart, both assured her that with a
well-directed effort it might be her own.
But now, how to make the effort And
in which way to direct it? The task in
all probability would have been much
easier one if the beautiful blonde had real
lv loved the successful merchant, as she
was prepared to seem to do.
But her heart, such as it was, had been
bestowed long since on a Cousin Ernest,
who was a subordinate naval officer, and
as matter Of course. poor.
Cousin Ernest was now with his ship at
Callao, And Cousin Isabel, shedding bitter
tears over the memory of their hopeless
attachment on their pillow at night, was
a very different being from the fair Isabel
who wove her spells for the capture of the
wealthy bachelor, by day.
The one was ready to sacrifice everything
for one more glance at Lieutenant Ernest's
handsome bronze face; the 'oSher was
dainty, fine lady, who knew well that LIE
was not half worth the living, without
horses, carriages, servants, manson on
Fifth Avenue, and cottage at Long
Branch, diamonds, laces, trips to Europe,
and all the other beautiful elements OF
. life Of wealth and fashion at the present
day.
But Mr. Edenhall, knowing nothing OF
this dual nature of hers, and the strife be-
tween it's two component parts, had looked
quite graciously on the beautiful blonde OF
late Since it was advisable for him to
marry, why not this girl as well as any
other She was pretty, elegant, and well
educated would look we'll in his carriage.
and at the head Of his table, and he asked
for nothing more.
Except, land this one exception included
so MUCH except that she should love him!
For MI Edenhal was man of the old
school. and had no faith in the new-fangled
laws Of divorce Ii he took wife he knew
that he could be both kind and true to her,
even though the freshness of his own heart
had long ago exhaled IN first fond love
that was nothing but a memory now. And
i'm reward for his courtesy and protection,
10 saw nothing of the worldly goods with
which he could endow her, he felt that he
Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-11-03

THE SERPENT AND THE SLANDERER.-
The serpent was once asked: ''Pray, what
profit hast thou in depriying other beings
of their life 7 The lion kills and eats the
wolf strangles and devours other savage
beasts destroy to satisfy their ravenous ap-
pctites. But thou alone strikes the inno-
cent victim, and infuseth thy deadly venom
without any other qualification than the
fend-like pleasure of Destroying
''And why do you ask me p replied the
serpent. ''Rather ask the slanderer what
pleasure he has in scattering poison, moral
ly wounding those who never injured him.
Besides, 1 only kill those who are near me :;
he destroys at distance; he scatters his
deadly venom here and a hundred miles
hence"