davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24
Wanted to be an Editor.

"Have You had any experience in the busi-
ness?' we asked of verdant looking youth
who applied for an editorial position the other
day.
Haven't I though?" he replied as he showed
one foot under bis char to hide the uDskillful
patching of a backwoods cobbler. 81 should
say Ia had some experence-hsven't 1 corre-
sponded with the Pumpkinville Screamer for
six weeks?-Haln't that experience enough?'
THAT will do very well" we replied, "but
we generally put them through an examina
tion. How much are twelve times ope?'
"Tweve! why any little boy ought 10 an
"Hold on, please-don't be too fast-who dis
covered America
'"Klumbus! Pshaw, them questions are just
as easy
''Who was the first man?'
"Adam! why Mister, know alp
"Wh+t was his .th-r name?"
" His other name? why he didn't have
uone."
"Yes he did. You see that's where we've 90,
You. bis other name was Observation-Disclosures
Adam, Esq late of Paradise. Nobody kpows
this but editors, and see to it that you don't tell
anybody"
He SAID he wouldn't
Glow many bones are there in the human
body?"
well. forgot now, but did know wunst. y
'Wbati don't you know tha ? Why there's
Z ,482, ,921 ,444 bones in an ordinary man. A
man tina snores has one more bone than other
people"
"What bone is that?"
'The trombone. 1t IS situated somewhere in
the nose. You won't forget that, will you?"
He said he wouldn't.
"How long would it take mud-turtle to
cross the desert of Sahara with small orphan
boy 10 touch him up behind with led-hot DO
ker?'
''Wel, look here, Mister, if had slate and
pencil / could Tiger that out, but dog my skin
it L N much IN mental 'rltbmetlc
State aud oencll! Did you ever see a, slate
that question slip. Have you good constitu
tion?"
"Putty tolerable."
"How long do ynu suppose you could live on
raw corn and faith. and do the work of domes-
tcated elephant"
Lord! L don't believe could live morn a
week."
"Well that's about as long as you'd want 10
live if you got an editorial position on this pa
per. You appear TO be pretty we'll posted We
shall ask you one more question, asd If you
prove equal to it you can take off your coat and
sail in.'
Lets have 'er squire. / didn't correspond
for the Pumpkinvile Screamer for SIX week.
for nothin. Let 'er come-Pm on decs,
atn."
-''WelI, sir, If two dametrical circles wi
octagOnsl Deriph. ries should collide with a
centrifugal ldiOsy Hcrasy, or, to put It plainer
we'll say a disenfrancbised noneDtitv, what eff
feet would the catastrophe exert on crystal
ized Goldfish suspended bv the tail from the
homogeneous raftefs of the empyrean?"
AS the full force of th!s pODderous problem
broke upon his bewildered brain, he slowly
dragged his inart's icaly cobbled shoe from
under his chair, and started from the room.
We heard him descsnd the stairs, go out, and
close the door We then placidly resumed our
duties, regTettDg that so promising youth
.hould have been weighed in the balance and
found wanting. g.-Franklin Patriot
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

The managers of the Maine Central Rail-
road are quite sanguine that the ensuing year
will prove one of the m ,st satisfactory 10 its
history. In the first place, the whole line is
in most efficient condition and ali of the de-
partments of its business are under the dirsc
tion of experienced and faithful men. In the
second place, the receipts the past three
months are fully up TO those of the CORE
spending months OF the previous year, and
the outlook at this time is better than it was
year ago. During the past six months of
the year which has just closed, the extrava-
CANT policy which characterized the Lothrop-
Woodbridge administration of the Eastern,
was largely in operation. The Maine Central
was compelled to pay its part fer the general
managers, the general ticket agent, the gen.
eral freight agent and such other "generap
functionaries Of the then Eastern managers
were pleased to appoint. Ali this is changed
through the determined policy of Gov. Co.
burn and such of his associates as opposed
the reckless management which resulted in
the downfall as the Eastern magnates and
now the road is one of the most economically
managed in New England. The present board
is so made up that harmony will prevail in
its counsels. 1t is also good omen that
Hon. j. B. Brown takes the place of Messrs
Hill and Whittemole on the Board.
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24
News and Other Items

Custar City in the Black Hills region is two
months old and has 600 inhabitants.
James Gordon Benuett's marriage is now
put down for May, and Cardinal McCloskey as
the officiant.
Little do rural boys imagine that while they
ar attending schoot and >triviOg 70 store their
m'pds with useful ibformatiou, bold. bad men
% New York are raising the price OF fire cracx-
srs.-DdnbDry Neps
An old Dutchman froze his nose. While
having the frost out he said, II haf carry dat
nose fordy year. uut he uefer freeze hisself be-
tore. 10 understan DIS ting"
A horse baked on Market street last even.
uR aud resisted all Efforts to move him until
iu insurance. sgent came alot & aud beeau 20
ak TO h,m, when be started aud went off With
he enthusiasm of man oD his way 10 tb.
funeral OF rich aunt.-Norpich Bulletin.
A New York letter say that ''d,s,iny uished
merchspt'-Willam Dodge perhsps-has
gwen $4,000 toward defrsy,ug the expenses Of
the Moody and Sspky meetiugs at the hip
oodrome, as thank offering Tor the CONVEX
ou of zoe Of his sous.
AT school not far from St. Cloud, (Mion.)
oe scholars caught a skunk aad put It IN the
schoolma ms desk, thinking she would smell q
mice and give them holiday. She took
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24
RnRs.

Do our fair readers know what nnrnosa tho
Spanish ruff had to serve at tba ont.a,o
To conceal the yellow throat of the Oueen of
Navarro ana 70 hide scar on Henry Irs
neck! BOOKS nave been written about the ruff,
anathemas hurled at its wearers-yes even
murders committed with its aid, IL coutsmno.
rary scandALmongers are to be believed Bays
not Catherine of Medicis's detractors accused
her openly that she poisoned Queen Jeanne of
Navarro By perfumed ruff and persuaded the
Duke of Alencon to get rid of his brother Hen.
ry BY having him scratched by poisoned ruff
pin?
There were Spanish ruffs aud Medicis rotfs;
single, douo'e, triple piled, and de falian ruff,
OF cambric; raffs of lawu, fiuted and straieh.
emeToidered aud edged with gold, silver.
pearls and precio1s stones; ruffs OF cut work
Iuffs of bone, lace, etc. The Spanish ruff cana
first to England uoder Henry VII and was
made of cambria, lawn, or simple linen a
tiuied rug of moderate dimensions encirclp 2
the neck, and worn by men and women, high
| aud low.
Every peasant hath his stately bandes, and
Monstrous ruffes, how costly soever they be-"
Inc size gradually Increased; one ring was
piIeo on the other, costly insertions and edge
| lngs OF Reticelia and Flemish lace In
t.o9uced; Fr' Dch and English courtiers
| vieu WIN eacn otner who should wear the
| largest ruff. A third of an ell was its depth
under Catherine of Meoics and Henry III :
but in England they wore their ruffs Quarter
| OF yard de-p in Elizaheth's time.
| Philip Stubbs, 10 Anstomie Of Abuses, printed
| in 1888, gives an amusing account of the Eng
lish ruff: ''rhey have great and monsterons
ruffes either of csmbrike, holland, lawne, or
els OF soc o her the finest cloth that eau be got
fer money. where of come be quarter Of Q
yarde deepe, yea, some more, very few lesse, so
that they stande q full quarter OF a yarde from
their necks, hanging over their shoulder point,
| insteade OF veile. Beyond all that they baye
farther fetche, notifying inferior TO the rests
as namely three or four degrees of minor ruff 8
placed gradatim one beneathe the other aud all
under the master devil rnffe, each Of them
every way pleated and crested full curiously
| got wot Then last of all, they are either
clogeed with gold, silver, or silk lace Of stately
| price wrought over with needleworke, spekeled
| and sparkled here and there with the sunne,
| moone and starres and many other ANTIQUES
strange to behold Some are wrought with
| open worke downe to the midst of the ruffe and
further some with close worke, some With
purled ace so closed, and other gpwgaws. 90
fastened. as the ruffe is the least part ofitself
Sometimes they are pinned up to their ears,
| sometimes they are suffered to bapge over
their shoulders like windmill sails futieriug in
| the Winde"
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

The unfairness of the reduction in salaries
proposed by the Democrats in tie House is
signal The pretense Of the bill is that all
salaries except those of laborers are reduced
in the ratio Of ten per cent. Bot this reduc-
ton is only apparent. The salaries Of the
four classes of government clerks were fixed
in 1856 on golu basis, and have not been in
creased, though expenses of living at Wash
ington have more than doubled since. At
the same time salaries of Congressmen were
fixed at $4,000. They have been increased to
$4,000, or sixty per cent. The Democrats
now propose to reduce their own increased
salaries ten per cent, from $4,000 to $4,000
and at the same time reduce the salaries of
government clerks Ten per cent. from the
1856 standard. II they reduced their salaries
in equal proportion with the clerks they
would fix them at $2,700. The people will
insist that they shall treat themselves the
same as they do other servants of the govern
ment
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24
lFrom the New Tribune
How not to IuyeStigate.

While the House of Representatives batrays
a singular inability TO follow up the positive
Indications of rascality in the Executive De-
partments furnished by the Marsh case and
other notorious scandals, it is neglectDg the
work of legislation and covering itself with
discredit by course Of smelling excursions
among Governments offices where there is no
real cause for suspicion. "The duty of in
vestigation." in the judgment of great many
of the Jealous but inexperienced gentlemen
whom political accident has gathered in the
National Capitol, obliges them to make demi-
ciiary visit to every Republican Official who
has fair reputation, in the hope of finding
something dirty concealed about his premises
They search the bed-chambers, they pry open
the pantry door, they examine the kitchen, they
their inquistion; and one cannot telp thinking
that they are sorry becau-e they fail to disgrace
the country by proving an esteemed gentleman
TO be sauctmonious thief.
Take the operations of the House Committee
on Post-Offices and Post Roads for instance
That Com mittee has allowed the public busi-
ness to fall into arrear while it has ransacked
Washington in search of something agaInsi
the PostUaster-General. Now it is very we'll
known that Gov. Jewell has been one of the
uOSt C'TCuuSptCb dDu COuSCieOtlOuS depart
ment officers Washington has known for many
years He has been particularly careful 10
avoid the scandalous misuse of public property
for private purposes which has been so COM
mon under this Admnis ration He travels at
his own expense, even on the business of his
Office, and his family would as soon think "
going to heaven in fiery chariot as of taking
ride in department landaulet. Yet the
committee have been questioning and cross
questioning drivers and baggagemen, and hav-
ing up almost everybody connected with the
department on the chance-we will not be uD-
charitable enough to say in the hope-that if
they dig deep enough they may fnd something
rotten after all.
This is mere petty partsanship; it is not
reform; and it not only embarrasses the Govern
ment and gives needless pain to deserving off
GERS, hut it is certain in the long run to cover
the d mocratic House with discredit. Any
school-boy can see that the sole object of such
grubbing IS to tind mud to throw at political
opponent; not to purify the Civil Service tut
to dirty the Admi ioistration. There Is work
enough for the house, grea- deal more indeed
than it seems to be capable of accomplishing,
in following uD the tracks of thieves For the
credit of the country it should remember tha
even cabinet officer is entitled to the presump-
tioD of innocence till some reason has been
shown to suspect him of being rogue.
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24
Republican National Convention.

The next Cniou Republican National Convention
for the nomination of candidates for President and
Vice-President of the United States will he held in
the city of Cincinnati, Wednesday, the fourteenth
day of june 1876 at Il O'Clock noon and will consist
OF delegates from each State equal to twice the num-
ber OF its Senators and Representatives in Congress
and OF two delegates from each organized Territory
and the district of Columbia.
In calling the conventions for the election of dele
gates the committees of the several States are re-
commended to invite all Republican electors and all
otner voers, without regard to past political dit
ferehces or previous party affiliations who are
opposed to reviving sectional issues, and desire to
promote friendly feeling and permanent harmony
throughout the country by maintaining and enforcing
all the constitutional rights of every tizen iuclud
ing the null and free exercise OF the right of suffrage
without intimidation and without frauu; who are IN
favor OF tne continued prosecution and punishment
OF aii ofncla dsnonesty and an economical admins
tration OF the government by honest hul and ca
paole officers; who are in favor of making snch re-
forms IN government as experience may from time to
time suggest; who are opposed mpairng the cred
it OF the nation by deprecang any of its obligations
and'p favor OF sustaining in every way the national
faith and financial honor; who hold that the common
school system is the nursery of American liberty and
should be MAIN aimed absolutely free from sectaran
contrn who believe that for the promotion OF these
ends, the direction Of the Government should con-
tinne to be copded to those who adhere to the pu-
the Constitution and the laws and who are in favor
OF recognizing and strengthening the fundamental
principle of National Unity in this Centennial An
niversary Of the birth of the Republic.
K. d. MORGAN, Chairman,
VIM E. CHANDLER Secretary,
REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE
Washington, January 10, 1876
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24
The Man Who Wanted to Have Fun.

A die nlfied citizen of Detroit yesterday sat
10 his Office, 10 the third story of building on
Grswold street. when a stranger about forty
years old, with long red nose and grand
smile aud ragged coat. slid softly in.
ANY fun here?" he inquired as be stood By
the door,
'Fnn3 What do you want, sir?'' shouted
the citizen.
Want to have some fun with somebody %
IS the oily answer
The citizen turned to bis papers, aud after
pause the stranger crept nearer and said:
Zone on; less wrastle each other aud kick
aronod and have good time"
you go down stairs" was the reply, spoken
in very earnest tones
"Wont you have any fun with me7'' pIeaded
the stranger; wont you tussle srouna and
kn0ek on hats and kinder liven me UP"
Tne citz-n rose and poipted TO the door with
look aud gesture that Booth might envy
can't hod anv Que around here TO have
fun with me" complained the stranger as he
backed off little. II haven't half enjoyed
myself since l came here Just cause 10 one
WI punch me in he ribs jam me around,
cuff me up to peak and get 10 kick occa-
slonally i doa't want work-I don't care for
money-ali want IS TO GIT somebody by the
choker ms git him by the hair aud have Q
regular old fashioned time. Just a. we used to
have in those boyhood DAYS now geue forever"
The citizen bad a table leg near at hand, aud
he grarped il, drove the stranger to the door,
aud then gave him royal kick TO help him
down stairs. The man paused on the landing,
looked back, and in sad voice inquired:
gratlfy ielle ?''
"You go down or I'll throw this club at your
was the answer.
II hate to, but 1 will. Wish you bad
kicked me three or four times, and let me piled
you under the table and TIED your legs in a
knotr-Detroit Free Press
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

WE can but express the opinion that the
rejection of the nomination of Hon. p. P.
Burleigh to be Land Agent will prove to be a
grave mistake. Mr.. Burleigh is a conscien-
tious and careful man. fully conversant with
the details of the office and is better able to
close up the affairs of the department than
any other man. The attempt of certain gen.
tlemen to break down Mr. Burleigh are more
creditable to their persistence than their ap
probation of the public interest. The matter
is now beset with perplexities. There is but
one other applicant for the position and be
demonstrated his unitness to manage the
affairs of the Land Office several years ago.
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

AS indication of the revival of trade is men
toned the increase in the demand for post
age stamps. the sale for the month of Janu
ary reaching the unprecedented amount OF
S3,500,000. Since the 30th of June, 1876 the
Postal department has sold 90,000,0O0 of
cards, whereas the sale during the entire fs-
cal year which ended on that date was only
10 100 OOO
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

OLD ACoUANTANcE.-Thep people described
in the following extract from the Literary
World are not entirely unknown in these parts
These are persons of fair education, who have
not means wherewith to crafty their literary
tastes iu the purchase of books. Living. let us
suppose. away from large cities. they write po-
lite letters 10 publishers, delicately announcing
themselves as contribu' ors to the Weekly
Whelmer. and suggesting that any books sent
to them will be carefully noticed in The
columns of that high toned periodical
In majority of cases the publishers,
always desrous of having their books
noticed, comply with the request, and, having
seDt The books, await iu var" the coming of .
copy of the Wbelmer. Thus the enterprslrp
contributor f Is his book shelly, g. or, if his syar
Ice controls bis love OF books, puts money iu b.,
pure ty the sale of the easily acqu red volumes
We could cite scores of cases " proof of tb.s.
sta emenis. If it We're Necessary, and we coul
confidently appeal TO the wiser publishers To
copfirm them We regret to say that some OF
these cultivated swinders assume the title Of
professor, and not few the sacred title of lev
erend
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

THE man who was once Republican but
who has fallen from grace and now purposes
to vote the Democratic ticket puts in his an
nual appearance, ahead of the birds this year,
in the columns of the argus. This time he
spells his name with B. The argus read
ers will encounter him under various aliases
during the campaign, and it may save them
some anxiety to tell them that he is she,
and her name is Harris.
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

The Eastern Democrats who have been
encouraging themselves with the hope that
the South is for hard-money are aghast at
the vote in the House on the repeal of the
resumption act Monday. The entire delega-
tions from Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia
Kentucky. North Carolina, West Virginia,
eight out of nine Virginia, and nine out OF
ten Missouri Representatives voted for re
neal
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

IHE Argus follows in the wake of the
World and attempts to confound the cases o.
secretary Brist0w and Mr.. Pendleton. Ap
parently it sees no difference in the action of
lne TWO men. Secretary Bristow neither
urged claim upon the war department nor
employed social or political influence to Sc
cure its consideration, nor collected the mon
ey after the decision of the case. He accep-
ted brief, argued the case ia open court,
and took moderate fee. Mr.. Pendeton
abused his trust as president of railway and
asguardian OF orphan children. He made a
bargain with himself, through corrupt means
procured the reopening OF a case which on its
merits had been decided adversely, and pock-
eted fifty per cent. of sum which he had no
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

WASHINGTON correspondents agree that
Senators Hamlin and Howe voted for the
confirmation of Mr.. Dana and Senators Cam
eron, McCreery, Bogy and Eaton against
Some say that Senator Morton opposed and
Senator Frelinghuysen favored confirmation,
and others reverse the position of these gen.
tlemen,
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

DEMOCRATIC financial management in
connecticut does not appear to be success.
There is now in the State treasury $4,000
less than one year ago and $264,000 less
tnan two years ago, clear shrinkage un
der Democratic rule of nearly three hundred
thousand dollars. Furthermore at the close
.of the war the st ate debt was SO, 100000
under Republican management this was re-
duced to $5,014, 500. Since 1874, when the
Democrats came into power, the debt has
not been reduced one cent, while the annual
expenditures have exceeded the receipts by a
hundred thousand dollars. Connecticut is a
lair Illustration Of the benefits of Democra attic
rule.
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

The attempt to push the Payne capitula-
tion through the House in order to enable
the Democrats to keep the vexed financial
question out of their national convention
will probably fail, and there is prospect of a
warm fight at st. Louis unless the hard
money men yield everything.
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

The way the Democracy have taken to
reach resumption of specie payments is sug-
gestive of the old story of the traveller who
enquired the distance to Manchester. s1f you
keep along the way you are going it's twenty
four thousand niue hundred aud some odd
miles," was the reply, "but if you turn right
round it's about three" The Democracy
act in the spirit of the maxim dear to the
hearts of lovers, that the longest way round
is the nearest way home.
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

ONE of those newspaper correspondents
who write long letters about nothing ven
lures to remark IN moralizing strain that a
good book is much more valuable than dia
mond. Let him go into the market, either
to buy or to sell, and unless his diamond has
as TO value will undergo sudden change.
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

student at Princeton College placed q
heavy charge of powder last Friday evening
under the door of the roorn of one of the tutors
at that institution aud touched it of with q
fuse. The explosion shook the building. com-
pletely shattered the door aud tore out win-
dow, creating considerable excitement.
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24
THE PRESS.
FRIDAY MORNING, MARCH "a, 1871,

We DO not read Anonymous letters and communi-
cations. The namt and address of the writer are in
all cases indispensa oe not necessarily tor publication
but as guaranty ti good faith.
We cannot undertake to return or reserve commu-
nications that are not used.
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

EVERY regular attaehe Of the PRESS fs furnished
with Card certificate countersigned by Stanley T.
Puiien, Editor. All railway, steamboat and hotel
managers will confer favor upon us by demanding
credentials of every person claiming TO represent our
iournal
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

THE Arous intimates that several presden-
tial candidates feel more like weeping than
laughing in these troublesome days. Among
them are Hendricks, Pendleton, and Allen.
The Portland daily press., 1876-03-24

right to touch. Not content with swindling
the government he swindled the railroad OF
which he was president and the children of
which he was guardian. And in Democratic
eyes he is as good as Mr.. Bristow.