Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1876-09-06

A MAN whose fortune is in a nutshell
the peanut dealer.


A MAN whose fortune is in a nutshell
the peanut dealer.
AN old man says, emphatically, "The
government should do something to
cripple the Indians" 1t is possible he
Is agent for wooden leg factory.
Il DON'T care about killing that ERE
rascal Jack" says a Texas husband
| killer, but I'm dogoned if it 'aint hard
10 De locked up here in jail, when I
oughter be visitin' the Centennial p
JAMIE, how's your church coming
on?" "Not SO vera weel. There,s ne
ane belangs 'cept me and brother
sandy, and I'm thinking he's ma ortho-
dox and must be put out. 7@sF17
NOTHING can exceed in manly brav-
| cry the spectacle of an up-to wnpolice-
man marching courageously up to dog
that has just breathed his last and dis
charging five barrels of q revolver fair
and square into the carcass of the de-
funct brute.li -
PETER, don't you enjoy the astrononl-
! lcal phenomena these evenings?" said
well-to-do citizen, residing in West
Harrisburg, to his colored employe, the
other evening. "'Clare, to goodness,
l never tried 'em; MUSLIN elton is my
favorite fruit"
IT is believed that one committee of
Judges at the Centennial Exposition will
never conclude their labors. 1t is the
jury on wines, of which there are over
LOCO differentsamples. Their decision
Is not expected to be very accurate, nor
their reasons very ilcid.
| n . H.
SAID a mother to her little son,
There! your toes are out of your
| stockings again; seems to me they
wear out in hurry" Giving a COM
1cal leer, he said, "Do you know why
stockings wear out first at the to yes ?"
No." Because toes wriggle, and
heels DON'T" .-.s..g ~ .-
A POPULAR pastor of an uptown
church in New York justifes the prac-,
tlce of closing houses of worship and
taking a vacation in dog days referring
complainers to the fact that by and by
they all expect to be "where congrega-
tons ne'er break up and Sabbaths new
er end" and then they will have enough
of it. @
The horrors of the Custer massacre
are somewhat alleviated by the an
nouncement that one of the men who
fell IN that terrible fight was book
agent Of 20 years standing, who had
gone to the frontier to sell "Blatherick's
Life of Erysipelas," in thirty monthly
parts, so cents number. Burlington
Havkeye
The late Baron Brisse adored fowl,
and had chicken served up in some
| of
demonstrated with him, and assured
him that the diet would some day in
Jure bis health. Pshawp' replied
the ventricole, parodying a historic
phrase, "the chicken that is to kill me
has not yet been hatched." eaa
ONE man killed another mans dog.
The son of the man whose dog was
killed, therefore, proceeded to whip
the man who killed the dog of the man
he was son Of. The man who was the
son OF the man whose dog was killed
was arrested by the man WHO was as
saulted by the son of the man whose
dog the man assaulted and killed.
ABOUT nine clock the other morning
one of our most active business men
was heard to say: "I'm going to be
worked to death again to-day. Pvegot
to get that letter in the postofice be-
fore night and it isn't directed, yet, and
there is no stamp on it either. That
will take an hour and then it will be
too late to go to the postoffice exceptin
a hack, and there is nobody about to
help me into it'-and he sighed like
furnace.-NorristoaO,a Herald.
SUPPOSE Belle" said poor but hon.
est Chicago youth to a Prairie avenue
girl one day, suppose that young
man loved you dearly-very dearly
but was afraid to ask you to marry
him; maybe because he was very tinlid
or felt too poor, or something; what
would you think Immediately. "Why,
/ if he was poor, [ should think that he
was doing just right in keeping still
about it !" The question was dropped
right there. -
A YOUNG man in the Sixth District
had parted his faxen locks in the most
impartial manner; if there was a hair
more on one side of his head than the
other, the difference could not be OBJ
served. He had tolerably good tenor
voice, and he had mastered a new
song The moonlight shone brightly
down on the greensward in front Of the
residence which held the maiden of his
heart. The youth crept softly up the
garden walk, and let out his soul in the
melody Darling, Pm waiting for thee,
waiting for thee" He had hardly
completed the second chorus, when a
window blind was cautio lsly opened,
something white was seen by the light
/ of the moon and an Oldish voice not
in harmony with the music, said, cit
is all right, young man; butyou needn't
wait any longer. Marian has gone to
Men Orleans Republican.
] A SCOTCH minister thus discoursed on
the carelessness of his flock: Brethren,
when you leave the church just look
down at the Dukes swans; they are
very bonny swans, an they'll be SOON
ing about an aye docking doom their
heads and LAYING theirsels wi the clear
water till they'er a drookit; then you'll
see them sooming to the shore, an
| they'll gle their wings a bit flap and