The Grange advance., 1876-12-27
GLEANINGS,

--~---- >O<---
GLEANINGS.
A Counter Irritation.-Shortc change
from a shopman-
Motto for an orphan asylum-'sThus
far and no farther.''
A sweet thing in literature-The Con-
fectiOner 8 Journal.
Every old man can boast of two
beaux, but they are elbows.
Punch once told droll story of 4
man, who, being suddenly raised to
riches, exclaimed, in the fullness Of
his satisfaction: 'sOh, that I could
stand in the road and see myself ride
by in my carriage.'
The Greatest Joiner.-The lawyer
he can place tenant, ,empannel jury,
box witness, bore the court, chisel
client. augur the gains, floor a witness,
cut his board, nail the case, hammer
the desk, file his bill, and shave a
whole community.
During the italian campaign a de-
tatchment of French skirmishers, push
ed forward by night, came to a river.
No bridge, and no ford, but without
hesitation officers and men swan it
and surprised the Austrians. At day
break the General sees that their posi-.
tion was too much exposed, and re-
calls the commander, whom he orders
to retreat across the river.
.'How General? There is neither
bridge nor ford"
''Swim it -
"That is impossible
''Yet you did it last night
eyes, but then we were advancing"
The logic of childhood is sometimes
irresistible. A promising youth of
only seven summers, who had been &C.
cused Of not always telling the truth,
cross-examined his father, ''Father,
did you use to lie when you was a
boy 50 'sNo, my son." said the pa
ternal, who evidently did not recall
the past with any distinctness. "Nor
mother, either?' persisted the young
lawyer. ''No; but why?'' ssOh. be-
cause don't see how two people who
never told lie could have a boy that
tells as many as l do" The problem
has never been solved. There is
mistake somewhere, and the chances
are that it was not made by the boy.
In Tulare City, Cal. Mrs. Jacob
Micbaels had little family jar with
her husband, in which she shot him
through the left arm, the shot enter
ing his breast and passing around to
the back, where it lodged. It was
random shot, made through the bed
room door to scare the husband and
induce him to come forth from his
hiding-place and take the tongue-lash-
ing she had in preparation for him on
account of his drunken ways, by which
he squandered all her money. Public
sympathy is with the woman. The
man will get we'll, and it is to be hoped
that this merited lesson will teach him
common sense and obedience in future.
II give and bequeath unto Mary, my
wife, the sum O. one hunder' pounds a
year, said an old farmer. ''Is that
written down, master?'' "Yes,'' re-
piled the Law yer," but she is not so
old; she may marry again. Won't you
make a change in that case? Most
people do,' AYE, do they = said the
farmer. ''Well, write again: l give
and beque&th unto her the sum of two
hunder' pounds q year. That'll do,
won't it. master!' ':Why, it's just
double the sum she would have if she
remained unmarried said the lawyer;
''it's generally the other way-the
legacy is lessened if the widow mar
ries again. *Aye." said the farmer,
''but him as gets her'll deserve it,
A Suggestion.-A well-to.do citizen
of Detroit almost had the breath
knocked out of him by the request of
a ragged sidewalk tramp, who stopped
him and asked 'Say, can't you lend
me $lO,OOO?''
''What Who are your, sir No,
sir. I can't, sir - exclaimed the
citizen.
'sCouldn't possibly do it, eh o.
*'No, SIR
'Tell you what you might do,' sug-
gested the tramp. ''You might hand me
fifteen cents now and led me the bal
lance when times get little easier.'
81 can't lend you shilling, sir. or
cent, sir, and l won't give you penny,
SIR
''Sorry both of us happen to be so
hard up at once.'' sighed the tramp,
and he continued his walk.
"A Business Girl of Chicago. When
a Chicago girl received dispatch
from Wisconsin, announcing that her
lover was going off with consumption
she telegraphed to his friends: s'Has
poor Jeffrey kept up his lifej insur-
ance?" The friend telegraphed back:
"Policy for $4,000 in your favor is
paid up till may 8, 1877. Poor jeffrey
cannot last after the first cold snap.".
The young lady then wondered philos-