Litchfield enquirer., 1876-01-27
MARK TWAIN AT NIAGARA.

S-- - 1.-e.E 't s
 Niagara Falls is one of the finest strnc- lures in the world. have been visiting this favorite watering place recently for the first time and was well pleased. ..a.4
 A gentleman who was with me said it was customary to be disappointed in the Falls, but that subsequent. visits were sure to set that all right. He said that the first time he went hack fares were so much higher than the Falls that the Falls appeared insignificant. But that is all regulated now. ..... .-.. ',s.. ..''. 7. 2 :.
 The hackmen have been tanned, num- bered, and placarded and blackguardedsr : and brought into subiection to the law. and dosed with moral principle till they, are as meek as missionaries. s-ssGzSi
 They are divided into two clans now, the Regulars and the iPrivsteers, and en- ploy their idle time in warning the people against each other The Regulars are under the hotel banners and the Priyateers prowl darkly on neutral ground and pick; of stragglers at half price ~ .s ' ss' ~ rl Y
 But there are no more outrages and ex-, tortions. That sort of thing cured itself. It made the Falls unpopular ty getting into the newspapers, and whenever a pnb- lie evil achieves that sort of success for lt self it's days are numbered. sfa
 It became apparent that either the Falls had to be discontinued, or the hackmen had to subside. They could not dam the Falls, so they did the hackmen. One can be comfortable and happy there now.
 drank up most of the American Falls before learned that the waters were not considered medicinal. Why are people left in ignorance this way. I might have gone on and ruined a fine property merely for the want of a little information.
 And yet the sources of information are not meagre at Niagara Falls. You are something in doubt what you ought to do, but you are seldom in doubt what you must do. If an infant can read. that in- fant is measurably safe in Niagara. If you room at the hotel you will find your course marked out in the most con- venient way, by placards on the wall like theser:r v - ...--..--r.. s....f.l..
 "PulE the bell-rope gently, but don't jerk" -.s '. '...... ......-,.. 1
 "Bolt your door," .H .
 Don't scrape matches on the walls or furniture"
 Turn off your gas when you retire."
 ''Tie up your dog" .
 ''If you put your boots outside of the door they will get blacked, but the house will not be responsible for their return"
 This is confusing and tanglesomc proposition, because it moves you to de- liberate long and painfully as to wheteer it will really be any object to you to have your boots blacked unless they are return ed. .,-s .
 "Give your key to the omnibus driver, if you forget and carry it off with you"
 Outside the hotel wherever you wander you are intelllgently assisted by the signs, You cannot come to griet as long as you are in your right mind with so many in- structions to keep track of. Forinstance:
 "Keep off the grass"
 Don't climb the trees" --.-..
 Glands of the vegetables" ..
 Don't hitch your horses to the shrub berry," a
 ''Visit the Cave of the Winds"
 "Have your photograph taken in your carriage" '-... .sr
 'Forty per cent. in gold leveied on all peanuts and other Indian curiosities pur- chased in Canada"
 Photographs of the Falls taken here."
 ''Visitors will please notify the superin- tendeut of any neglect on the part of em- plOyees to charge for commodities" (No inattention of this kind is observed.)
 Don't throw stones down; there might be people below. l" '.s f sazzz-.shslsSS "The proprietors will not be respopsi- ble for parties who jump over the Falls" (MOre shirking of responsibility ap- pears to be the prevailing thing here. }.
 always had high regard for the sign CTS of the Declaration of Independence, but now they do not really seem to amount to much along with the signers of Niagara Falls.
 To tell the truth the multitude of signs annoyed me. It was because noticed at last they were prohibiting the very thing l was just wanting to do.
 desired to roll on the grass; the sign prohibited it. I longed to smoke; a sign prohibited it. And was just in the act of throwing a stone over to astonish and pulverize such parties as might be pie nicking below, when sign have just mentioned forbade that. Even that satis- faction was denied me, and I was friend less orphan.
 There was no resource now but to seek consolation from the flowing bowl. drew my flask from my pocket, but it was all in vain. A sign confronted me, which said
 "No drinking allowed on these premi- ses."
 On that spot might have perished of thirst but for the saving words of an hon. Ored maxim that fitted through my mem- ory at that moment:
 ''All signs fail in dry times"
 Common law takes precedence of the statutes. was saved.
 The noble red man has always been a darling of mins loved to read about him in tales and legends and romance.
 love to read of his inspired sagacity, acd of his love of the wild, free life of mountain and forest. and his grand truth-, tulness; his hatred of treachery, and liss general nobility of character, and his stately metaphorical speech, and his chiv. alric love for the dusky maiden and the picturesque pomp of his dress and accou- trements. --'
 When found the shops at Niaeara Falls full of dainty beadwork, and stun. ming mocassins, and equally stunning toy pictures representing human beings who carried their weapons in holes bored in their arms. and bodies shaped like pie, was filled with emotion. I knew now l was going to come face to face with the noble red man.
 A lady clerk in the shop told me indeed that all her grand array was made by the Indians, and that they were plenty about the Falls, and that they were friendly and SAAesO ~ "OuAO HUI Uo uAuSeTOuS to Spe0K to them.
 came upon camp of them gathered Tn the shade of great tree, making wam- pun and mocassins. and addressed them. Tn the following language of friendship ss. -
 Noble Red men, Brave Grand Sachem. War Chiefs. Squaws, and High-you Muck a-Mncks, the pale face from the land of the setting sun greets you! You, Benef cent Polscat, you, DeVourer of Mountains. you. Roaring Thundergust-ths pale face all! A.@1A- T w 3 oI !
 War and pestilence has thinned yetsr ranks and destroyed your once proud na- tion. Poker and seven-up and vain modern expense for soap unknown to your glorious ancestors have depleted your purses. Approprlating in simplicity the property of others has gotten you into trouble. Misrepresenting facts in your sinless innocence has damaged your repu- tation with the soalless usurper. Trading with fOFkY.rOd whlakav ks, anahla vo,,. kS