The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1876-05-11
A PhIlosophic Milkman.
[PhiIadelphia Bulletin. j

s4st [Philadelpha Bulletin.l
We went over to see Biles, our milk
man, the other day, and we found him
in the back yard mending the sucker OF
his pump. In reply to jocular remark
about his dairy being in bad way when
the pump was out Of order, Biles said:
"0h, amt going to deny that we
water milk. I don't mind joking about
it. But all say is that when people say
we do it from mercenary motives, they
SANDER the profession. No, sir; when
put water in the milk, 1 do it
out Of kindness fer the people who
drink it. I do it because Pm phi
lanthropic, because Pm sensitive, and
can't bear 10 see folks suffer. Now,
s'pos'n COW is bilious, or something,
and it makes her milk unwholesome? /
give it dash or two Of water, and up it
comes to the usual level. Waters the
only thing thatll do it. Or, s'pos'n that
cow eats a p'ison vine in the woods, am
I going to let my innocent customers be
killed by it, for the sake Of saving a
little labor at the pump3 No, sir /
slush in few quarts of water, neutral
ize the p'ison, and there she is, as right
as trivet.
But you take the best milk that ever
was and it amt fit for the human
stomach as it comes from the COW. 1t
has too much caseine in it. Prof. Hux-
ley says that millions of poor ignorant
men and women are murdered every
year by loading down weak stomachs
with caseine. 1t kinder sucks up the
gastric juice, he says, and gets daubed
all around over the insides until the
pores are choked, and then the first thing
you know the man suddenly curls up
and dies. He says that out yer in Asia,
where the milkmen are not as conscien-
tious as we are, there are whole cemete-
tries chuck full of people that have died
of caseine, and that before long all that
country will be one vast burying ground
if they don't ameliorate the milk. When
i think of the responsibility resulting on
me is it singular that look at this old
pump and wonder that people don't
come and silver-plate it and put my
statute on it? / tell you, sir, that that
humble pump, with the cast-iron handle,
is the only thing thatstands betwixt you
and sudden DEATH
"And, besides that, you know how
kinder fat milk tastes; kinder insipid
and mean. Now, Prot. Huxley, he says
that there is only one thing that will
yivify milk and make itluxurious to the
palate, and that is water. Give it few
jerks under the pump and out it comes,
sparkling and delicious, like nectar. ]
dunno how it is, but Prof. Huxley says
that it undergoes some kinder chemical
change, that nothing else'll bring
about but fiavoring of fine old pump
water. You know the doctors all water
the milk for babies. They know mighty
well if they didn't those young ones'd
shrink all up and sorter fade away
Nature is the best judge. What makes
cows drink SO much water? Instinct
sir-instinct. Something whispers t.
'em that if they don't sluice in little
water that caseine'd make 'em giddy and
eat 'em up. Now what the odds whether
put in the water or the COW does :? She's
only a poor brute beast, and might
often drink too little; but when go a
it l bring the mighty human intellect tt
bear on the subject; | am guided by
Reason, and can water the milk SOL
it'll have the greatest possible effect.
"Now there's chalk. / know som,
people have an idea that it's wrong L
fix up your milk with chalk. But that
only mere blind bigotry. What is chalk
A substance provided by benefcen
nature for healing the ills of the humal
body. A cow don't eat chalk because
is not needed by her. Poor, uneducate'
1 animal, she can't grasp these highe
| problems, and she goes on nibbling sou
grass and other things, and filling he
milk with acid, which destroys humal
membranes and induces collie. The
science comes to the rescue. Prof Huz
ley tells us that chalk cures acidity
Consequently, get some. chalk, stir
in my cans, and save the membrane
of my customers without charging theI
a cent for it-actually give it away
and yet they talk about nilkmen'si if "
were buccaneersl
"But 1 don't care. My conscience
clear. know mighty well that
have high and holy mission to perform
and I'm going to perform it if they bur
me at the stake. What do care hol
much this pump costs me if it spread
blessings through the community Wha
difference does it maketo man of hone
like me if chalk is six cents pound,
i long as 1 know that without it thel
wouldn't be a membrane in this con
munity7 Now look at the thing ir tt
right light, and you'll believe me tina
before another century rolls around,
grateful universe will worship the mer
ory of the first milkman who ever had
pump and who doctored his milk wit
chalk. 1t will, unless justice is never
have her own.
Then Mr.. Biles rugged the sucker
the pump, toned up few cans of mil
corrected the acidity, and went into Il
house to receipt our bill.