Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1876-05-05
SPRING HOUsEOLEANING.
BY BIZARRE.

Simon Wadso, returning home with hi
arms full of groceries and his mind full Of
contentment at the prospect of a wei
| served dinner and quiet, cosy evening in
the bosom OF his faulty, found his pro
gramme, ON arrival at his house upset, and
the prospect of q quiet evening as badly
shattered as a lookingglass which a eau
non BAH has passed through. Instead of a
waiting wife and dinner, a carpetless floor
soft soap puddles, and the furniture stack.
ed in pyramids, greeted him.
sHas there been fire ?'' he meekly in
quired of the servant as he deposited his
converted into corner ornament for the
mantlepiece.
'No, sir" replied the usually neat girl,
who appeared to be in an awful state of
rags and soap-suds.
'sVisited by an earthquake % he calmly
asked. lifting a bar of soap, a loaf of bread
and a wet dishcIoth off the crown of his
| best silk hat, ard smoothing it on his coat
sleeve.
| "Sure the missus is houseclaning, sur, u
| observed the help, waving a dripping scrub
bling brush madly to and fro on the door,
The wife of his bosom entered at that
moment disguised with q patch of stove
black on her fair cheek, her nose fiery red
from the cold, a pillow-case worn as tur-
ban, a badly torn dress festooned about
her, and her feet encased in pair Of Wad-
SOS Arctic oYershoes. >
GOOD gracious Maria, what's thermal
ter ?'' he exclaimed, glancing from his
badly damaged hat to his disreputable-
looking matrimonial partner.
"Why, Pm Spring housekeeping, and
have got all the carpets up and out in the
back yard for you to beat this evening, :"
sic replied in an exultant voice, ''and IN
SO glad you're back to. help Anne aud me
move the stove"
Don't you think love, - he said gloomily
sit would be better to hire man to come
in the morning and beat them. i"
s'Nonsense, WON'T have strange man
here. You can just as we'll shake them as
not" she interrupted, briskly brushing his
eighteen dollar seal-skin gloves off the top
of the sewing machine into a soft soap
puddle.
"When will dinner be ready ?" he asked
despondently, as he rescued his gauntlets
and wiped them dry with his pocket hand
kerchief
"Oh, had to let the fire go out to black
the range. If you're hungry, I'll get you
something to eat" she replied, leading the
way into the kitchen, where, having
fished up an ironing blanket. the family
cat, a sun bonnet and some clothes pins
out of the wash boiler, week old mutton
bone and some cold buckwheat cakes were
discovered, the table spread on the corner
Of the mantle piece, and dinner announced
as ready.
Wadso groaned in the spirit at the sight
of the unsavory viands, and his appetite
vanished like a. boys kite when the string
breaks
"Now, if you're through, lets move the
stove," said Mrs. W., after allowing him
seventeen seconds to worry the mutton
bone in.
Wadso rolled up his sleeves, mounted
the kitchen table, gave a wrench at the
pipe hard enough to haul an anchor out of
the mud. The next moment the table had
turned back somersault, he. had peeled
the skin off his shins and knuckles by fall
ing oyer the stove, and his wife was stamp
ing around, with tears in her eyes and
about peck of SCOT poured over her face.
''There! 1 knew you'd do it," screamed
Mrs. w, looking as if she was BACKED for
a negro minstrel performance.
Wadso made no reply, his attention be-
ing divided just then between his lacerated
shins and a broken window, through which
he had driven the end of that Internal stow
pipe.
"You did it on purpose, l believe" Sob
bed his sooty wife, wipfhg her face with
her petticoat.
Wadso said nothing, but tugged away at
the pipe, and, after knocking down a bird
cage, upsetting a glass lamp, running his
clothes, and nearly jamming the eye out Of
Anne, who was passing, succeeded in get
ting it into the garden. He did not return
just then, but spent the next two hours
thrashing dirty carpets with broom ham
die, choking and binding himself with
dust, raising blisters on his hands, bumps
on his head and profanity sins on his con-
science, that bottles of liniment and weeks
of piety will scarcely effecta cure. When
6n Il e. -
chimney sweep, muscles aching, hands
smarting, shins paining, eyes watering and
temper soured to such an extent That even
the seductive charms Of the cold mutton
bone dished up again for his supper failed
to entirely restore him to good humor.
Mrs. W., retired early. worn out with
the duties of tue day, and Wadso having
added up his grocer's and butcher's books,
washed himself at the kitchen sink with
yellow soap, locked UP the house, eKtin-
guished the gas, and went sadly, sorely,
and hungrily to bed.
'Darnation |" he exclaimed, as he fell
over the rocking chair on entering the
pitch dark room and was kicked in the ear
with the rocker.
"Oh, heavens what noise you're MAX
ingp' screamed his wife from the bed.
"Why in thunder didn't you leave things
stand where they belong ?" he yelled, as he
tried to get out of the clutches, of the kick
ing, tloundering chair.
tits your cWn stupid awkwardness ~
she answered.
"lt's your COMPOUNDED upsettingI' re-
torted Wadso, getting up ON his feet and
sitting down in the place where the bed
used to stand.
EGood r ordo, ,,,bo+ j., +Lo = - 4l:ae;,