South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1876-05-05
WIT AND llUAaS11s.

.
ga reansylvania edisor. "a an ap-
peal % HE patrons. says: .scbs editor
vants yrstn. pesk. tsllowL caWdles. whis.
~, Hnen. beeswax, wool, and anything
else he can eat
1Thc Alta. Cat jorxian says Il is as
useless TO try TO keep the American al.
venturcrs out OF the Black Hills as To
keep . woman oat Of q dry goods store.
t~Said good Methodist girl to her
lover yesterday: Now. Charles. dear,
Lent is over, and this Is leap year
now. how long IL it TO I've before YOU
are mine? Miss Jerusha." said charles,
In matter offact way. III must DC.
cline to solve that conundrum. Ask
me something that lean answer-an
the heartless wretch left her in doubt
Is 20, '.how long, s'reae T
1Omt Of one hundred and seventeen
ladies in Michigan University. only four
have taken to law" How many have
taken TO lawyers 10 not stated.
vTo give brilliancy to the eyes.
shut them early at night. and open them
early in the morning let the mind bc
constantly intent or the acquisition OF
human Knowledge, or the exercise OF
benev Jlent feelings. This will scarcely
ever fail to imparL to the eyes al intel.
ligent and amiabie expression.
~ He smiled beautifully. and said.
How're. Sarah?" Sarah replied. you
=. can't fool dis gal know you! ilow's
your wife and iamily?" As he silently
walked away, he remarked to himself,
dat ar gal does know me-"
sCV Tommy (suddcnly, on his way
home from churcl) Nv hat did you take
out of the bag, mamma? only got
siXpcnce! Look here
V'At one time Daniel Webster had
difficult case to plead, ami verdict
was returned against his client. One OF
the witnesses came To him and said,
"Mr. Webster, III had thought we should
have lost the case, might have testified
good deal more than I did 1T is
OF NJ consequence replied TIC lawyer,
the jury did not believe word you said
"A traveller, being at n coffee house
with some gentlemen. Was largely draw
ing on the credulIty ct the company
Where did yon say all these wonders
happened, Sir?' asked gentleman PIE.
sent. IL really can't exactly say" re.
pile the traveller "buS it was some
where in Europe-Russia, think II
should rather think Italy" returned
his opponent.
V"Landlord, didn't Won ever have
gentleman stop with you heforey'-
Are you Il gentleman" Yes, l am."
Then [ never had one stop with me
before"
l-v At the close Of tavern dinner
two of tho company fell down stairs, the
one tum5sinS TO the first landing place
and the other rolling 10 the bottom
Some one remarked that the first Seem
cd drunk. Yes Observed the wag.
but he is not SO far gone as the other
gentleman below"
tyA Western paper announces the
illness Of its editor, piously adding
"All good paying subscribers are re-
questcd to mention him in their prayers |
the wicked avail nothing
SJS His teeth began to chatter over
the ice.cream. He butt oned up his jack |
ct and swallowed another mouthlul.-
That settled it. He jumpel mp from
the table and started 10 whcr. TIC sun
could shine OH him, exclaimng, "Whoo.
pee Plenty id cold grub No
cokec huff! tlceze belly all same like
ice wagon ~
w"Come, Pete" said merchant |
to gentleman Of the colored persua.
sion. ''whatll you pat That load of wood !
into the cellar for?" lin de fuss place, |
my name is Peter, sir secondly. Use u
professional carpet cleaner and white. |
washer; furd mo- 1 doesn't compete
for SIGH jobs. sab ~
" When is lalys dress like an un. !
fortunate bull.fghter?- it is gor.
Ell And when is it like parUisan?-
When it is biased. And when is it like |
topper? When it is full And when
IL it like the sails of ship9-Whe il |
is trimmed. When is il like a season |
OF the year?-W hen it is lent. When
is it no longer fit FOR use?-After sue |
has once worn il out.
JUDGE PIrMAN's PIANo.-Jndge Pit. |
man came down stairs, the other day, !
in response to- call from his servant
girl, and found man standing at tie |
front door with carpet.bag. The man
said:
Is yonr piano ont Of tune?
No, don't think it is. said the Judge. |
Amt you sure about il?
No; ] never tried 10 10 see.
How long since it has been tuned?