The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1875-01-22
An Amateur on Christmas.

we never old DelleVe that santa
Claus drove six billy-goats hitched to
sled, and it filled with jumping jacks.
peanuts, candy, rat traps, shot guns. and
| things for the children, nor can we be-
lieve that he drives about over peoples
houses, leaving his team unhitched on
the roof and sneaking down smoky,
sooty chimney, when there's hot fire in
the CRATE, just for the fun Of stuffng
stockings hung to the mantle piece with
little things for the bad little boy that tied
the oyster can full of shot to his fathers
dogs tail, or to the playful little girl
that poured coal oil on the cat and set
FIRE to her, to see if burning the hair off
wouldn't make it look like q Mexican
dog. No! we dont believe it. Last
night we satisfied ourself. We bought
Eve dollars worth of torpedoes, shoot
ing crackers, spit-devils and fireworks
generally, to use this morning. We
placed then on the mantel over the coal
bucket. We made a hot fire, and, after
hanging our boot up where Santa Claus
couldn't help seeing tive don't wear
socks-we sat down in front of that fire
to watch for the coming man." About
midnight we heard q noise upon the
roof All, he comes! thought we; and
the longer we waited for him to come
down the chimney the more noise we
heard upon the roof. Thinking the
goats had got tangled up in the harness we
rushed out to see what was the matter,
when we discovered 4 pair of cats waltz
ing around upon the roof. Believing
that Santa Claus never would get his
billy-goats within a square of "them
CATS" We rushed into the house, got our
doubled-barreled "persuader," and came
out. We pulled the trigger and we gave
each cat a pint of shot. The gun went
off both ways, for while we stood upon
our head in the gutter, we saw 10000
cats roll of that roof. The gun went
across the street into u neighbor's front
yard, and was found this morning with
the barrel-end sticking in the ground up
to the trigger and smoke coming out of
| the touch-holes. When the ground
.haws enough well get the gun back.
Two heads and tails was all that was
found of the cats in our front yard. The
shot had carried off the balance of
| them.
We crawled up stairs and resumed
our watch before the fireplace. The
ire had grown low. We were bruised
and sleepy. The gun going off Jared
the house, and that shook the "fre-
works" of the mantel and they fell into
the coal bucket. We grew cold, and
seizing the coal bucket we threw load
Of coal upon the hot Goals, and took our
seat. We slept. We heard an explo-
sion, and felt something light, head on,
against the washstand in the opposite
corner of the room. We saw CRATES,
Goals of living FIRE, boots, coal buckets,
pokers, cats, billy goats, sleds and a
Wholesale toy shop, flying about through
the room, and amid the smoke old
Santa Claus dancing a jig. We gather
| GA SOBCbucE unO stOOO All
was dark. We saw nothing, heard moth
ing. We only know that what things
didn't go out through the windows went
out through that chimney. The neigh
bors heard an earthquake, and came
over. They "put US in our little bed"
A watchman called to tell US that he
saw a streak o hell red hot, shoot out
O. that chimney a mile high, taking all
the bricks with il as low down as the
roof" We thought at the time the
house went out through it, and we start
ed out through it head of the house.
Now our interviewer" is writing this as
we narrate il. Wen be out in a week
or two. SAINTS Claus didn't come down
that chimney, but il he had started
down, and got about half way when the
fireworks went of, we feel safe in saying
that it would have been his last Chin
nsy adventure, for he would have had
his neck broken against the moon, if he
didn't 60 through it, and his billy goats,
sled, and Christmas stock would have
been scattered for twenty miles back of
Jacksonville. o! Lordyl how bad we
feel! Santa Claus is a fraudl-[Courier
Journal.