The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1875-05-06
VARIETY AND HUMOR.

VARIETY AND HUM0R.
"A vain collection of tails-Peacock's
works.
improving ones time-mending the
clock.
When is fowls head like bell?
When 1t is wrung for dinner.
Bad Signs-Those which are likely
to fall on the heads of passers-by.
1t takes a pretty smart man to tell
when he is happy.
Why is the sun like a good loaf?
Because it's light when it rises.
When man can't find anything to
do he has lived long enough.
The Brooklyn bridge is expected to
be completed in the summer of 1877.
When fortune wants to let human
being fall the hardest she lifts him up
the highest.
The destructive tobacco fly has
made its appearance in large numbers
in some paris of Virginia.
Give me to write the songs of ma
| ton, and care not who does the outdoor
work.-New York World.
Here is Pennsylvania conundrum:
"Does the Lord love a man who spends
at church festival the money he owes
his washerwoman?"
| "A writer in Boston paper says:
1t requires more strategy to be book
agent than to be a general"-and more
brass.
What can be more exasperating to
the long-sufering soul of him who is
next" than to see the barber of his
choice putting on his coat and starting
for dinner?
They have introduced German into
the public schools of Baltimore. One
German stood in the door and said to the
teacher: IF dot poy Hans comes home
NIT some more plisters on his hants I
shall raise dunder!"
People in California who have named
their babies James Lick are in trouble,
and wonder how they happened to forget
the bad luck that proverbially ATTENDS
too much confidence in man before he
stops breathing.
-" No eetin appuls in school-ours!"
reads sign on the blackboard of a
school-house in enlightened old Massa-
chusetts, where education is supposed to
sit on the top rail and make faces at ig-
nOrance.
They attempted to give out an eight
syllable word at one of the Rhode Island
spelling-matches the other night, but
found that there wasn't room for it in
the State.-Boston Transcript
just the moment a young man at
Lexington, KY, Tugs home fiddle and
commences to scrape and yeowl, just
that moment cohort of taxpayers gath
er and inquire for the rope used at the
last public northumberland Press.
"A million pounds of the new spring
clip of California wool have been sold al
San Francisco at from eighteen to TWEEN
ty-tive cents, an average of one to two
cents per pound better than last year.
Years of experience in moving en-
ables a carman to distinguish, in an ap
parently Indifferent glance, the light
from the heavy end of a stove, or which
is the best position on the stairs, in front
or behind. Against these fearful odds
the head of the family stands no chance
whatever.
Don't trust man unless you can see
his face. A Kentucky farmer went to
dinner, leaving the hired man in the
barn, singing MY soul yearns to be
free," and in less than half an hour the
man and 5000 mule were missing
Detroit Free Press.
"A Philadelphia preacher, Rev. Dr.
Hatfield, has been pronouncing the Glib
erty of the press"' nonsense. For man
thus to tamper with fate in city where
obituaries are made speciality shows, to
say the least, an intense disregard OF
poslhumous reputation.
A
There are only three nations who use
slang to any great extent, viz: France,
England and America. OF these French
appropriate, and English the most forci
BILE and obscure"
The Mayor of Kenton, little wee
village in Nevada, won't take letter
from the postoft1ce unless there is an
"Hon." before his name, and he whipped
an editor who inadvertently spoke Of
him as the village President.
Edgar Poe said: ITO vilify great
man is the readiest way in which little
man can himself attain greatness. The
crab might have never become a constel
lation but for the courage it evinced ir
nibbling Hercules on the heel"
-"Oh your shameful laws!' said Mrs
Henry, when she found she couldn't sell
her property without John Henry's join
ing in the deed. "A woman can't OWL
her own soulr' MADAM said Joh1
Henry, gravely, "you are mistaken. Ii
this free country woman can own any
thing but her age"
A guest at a hotel the other dav wal
observed looking closely at his plate, anc
as waiter approached he asked: "Sir
what is this on my platter" "Oyster!
fried in crumbs" was the reply. "Yor
are sure?" "Yes, sir" "Ah! yes. Well
take 'em away, and for a change brin1
me some crumbs fried in oysters"
AS an indication of the advancement
that science has made recently, it might
be stated that gentleman at one of tht
city markets, the other day, saw half {
bushel of white turnips run through
cider-mill, and half an hour thereafter
noticed the same article, bottled, on sale
and labeled Pure Grated Herseradish!'
l-Boston Globe.
"A tall stranger entered a saloon OF
Front street yesterday, and, pulling of
his coat, inquired: lis there anybod,
here who wants to lick me?" ayes
yes!" exclaimed half dozen loafers il
chorus, as they rose up. II thought
there was" coolly replied the stranger
as he opened the door and walked out
Detroit Free Press.
The railroads are carrying grain from
Buffalo to New York for eight cents &
bushe], which IS lower than the actua
cost by canal at the present rate of toll
and the Buffalo Commercial Adueqtise,
doubts whether much higher figure
will be obtained when navigation opens
Should this prove to be the case, it il
not unlikely that the boatmen may de-
cline to fit out at all, since they will
hardly care to commence operations at 6
loss.
"A prominent citizen on Nelson
street, who is the proud possessor of 6
handsome daughter, went home to tes
the other evening and said to his wife
Mother, have finally succeeded in my
petition for a street lamp on our street
and it ia going to he set directlv in from