South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1875-03-26
W.T. AND HUMOEs.

WIT AND EIUMOR.
E"where's the molasses, Bill?" said
red-headed woman sharply to her son,
who had returned with an empty jug
None In the city, mother. Every gro
Gerry has large board outside, with let
tiers chalked on it, IN. o. Molasses.'
@A man who had made speech
asked an acquaintance his opinion, and
he replied "Well, it was rather.too long.
"A pretty smart man would have made
that speech in half the time, and real
smart one wouldn't have made it at ALL
~A man went into drug store. and,
says he: 81 wish you would give me
some Nancy Soda Don't you mean
sal Solar" says the clerk. "Wall. now.
don't know but what you're right; /
knew twas girls NAME" said the scar
cher for Sal.
A HARD DRINKER.-During the trial
Of case before judge in st. Louis, the
following colloquy occurred between
counsel and a witness:
you are not drinking man, / sup
poser 'Well, 1 take drink some
times. GLOW often?" sometimes
twice day, sometimes five or six times.
and sometimes twenty-five or even fifty
times day; but no man ever saw me
drunk" Did you ever take more than
fifty drinks in a day." II have taken
as high as seventy-five drinks in q day.
but / never got drunk when YOU
were taking seventy-five drinks day.
was that the time you were employed at
this stable?' Yes, sir" What kind
Of liquor did you drink when you drank
seventy-five times day." Water"
The counsel snapped his eyes little,
the witness smiled, and the spectators
grinned.
He WANTED CRADLE NOT Cor
FIN.-He came into the Office of n West
End undertaken yesterday with look of
great care on his honest face. His eyes
were heavy and slightly bloodshot, tell
ing of nightly vigils and loss of sleep.
His hair was unllempt and shaggy. The
soft hearted man of collins looked upon
his visitor with gaze full of pity and
thankfulness-pity for the customers
loss and thankfulness for his patronage
lie was so young to be burdened with
the loss of dear one by death.
The manufacturer of burial cases nod
ded silent assent and condolinp recor-
milton; the young man from the country
said: "How d'ye?" Then ensued a
painful silence broken at length by the
man Of grave business.
Can do anything for you to-day, sir"
wall L recllin' so, stranger ~
Another silence. Once more the un-
dertaker began by suggesting: Your
sister,
Young man started n moment. then.
as light gradually broke upon his per.
picked mind, he smiled more suggestive
of sorrow and happiness, and replied:
"No-my wife,
SUDDEN
"No-expected su'thun' Of the kind
for several months.
''When did it happen?"
Bout A o'clock this morning"
Looks natural?"
Rather" Spoken carefully, and ex.
pressive of some doubt.)
about what do you want the cost of
it to be?''
Don't care for expenses; git it up
'NAiN'Nh iiiSNs II iiCdL utE IanuSulIl,
cause she is the first one | ever had"
Very well, my friend you'll have it |
lined with white satin, l suppose?"
jest as you say, stranger
Silver headed screws, too, suppose?" |
"Yea-a-s, | s'pose so. An, stranger. |
jest pat bully top tot
"Oh, of course and you'll want glass !
in it, also. SUPPOSE
''Y -a-3l-s, Oh, certainly-you bet. Git |
her up sniptious, you know, old fellow.
None of your braided one boss fxins
for me. No, stree"
Just so. Silver handles. ofcourse?"
"Eh? What's that you say. stranger
silver handles? Oh, durn it. now.
won't that be pilin' it on too heftv like?
kin stand silver screws and sich. but
there's no use maxim the hull tarnation
trap of silver The thing has TO be NOV.
ed, and must have handles, but | amt
quite so stuck up as that now-not quite.
stranger"
Very WELL" acquiesced the man of
obsequies. "fn put ordinary handles
to il then?'
Eggs-actly-thems 'em. mister; now
yer talkin." Urinary handles III do
D''' u 'tt1 Sli iiiNCi AltutttlNtlN,l make ]
the wheels glisten like thunder
"Wh-wh-wh-eels2"
Yes, wheels. What's ther matter
with you anyhow"
But, who ever heard of wheels to a
coflln?''
Coffin e. shrieked the dejected.look.
ing young man. Coffin = Now who
the dickens said anything about cofIins?"
why, don't you want coffin ="
NO ] want cradle--a trap to rock /
my new baby in -
and isn't your wife dead?"
Not by q joyful Don't yer make /
cradles for sale?'
mo, my friend, / am an undertaken"
Undertaken Of what?"
II make collins"
"Oh, Lord, let me ketch the fellow that
sent me here -
And the griefstrickcn youth crammej 7