The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1875-05-08
VARIETY.

Old SweIkins il 50 parsimonius that he won't
turn over on hIs bed at night for fear he will
his drawers out.
At Alton, Illinois, preacher asked all Sun
day school scholars 20 stand up who intended TO
visit the wicked, sOul-destroying circus. All
but lame girl stood up.
Cerebro spinal-meningitis is a tough word for
telegraphers 70 get hold Of on the wires
Sioux City lightning Jerksr wrote 1t out - Carabo
Spencer's Menagerie."
An Alabamian gave his for not at
tending church the fact that Sunday was, unfort-
unately, the day he had set apart for pounding
his mule, and he couldnt leave home.
When a woman buys a dress pattern, and
brings it home and finds out that she doesn't like
it, you can't drive away her melancholy by read
ing chapter in the Bible or singing one Of DR..
Watts poems.
Human nature Is much the same all over the
world. The man in Honolulu, like the man
anywhere else, always feels like standing behind
n chair, in company, when his legs are too long
for his pantalOOns.
Helen NJ Cooke, writing verses for New
York paper, says that kisses on her brow are the
richest diadem her woman's soul aspires to wear
All right, Helen. Bring on your brow and take
your diademF
The newspapers are telling Of a ninety-two
wears OF age man who, during this harvest sea-
son, has cradled a notable quantity of rye. The
rye was probably in the liquid state, and he
rocked it about in his stomach.
A boy who was drowned at WilkesbaEre the
other day, was named Schwyndenberger, When
a boy with a patronymic like that on him, once
gets into the water, the odds ninety-nine out
Of a hundred in iavOr Of his going to the bottom.
Now, there's n flashed man for you" said .
fireman a. he gazed upon the pieces Of the en-
gineer that had been scraped up and gathered to
his fathers, after the last attempt 10 run train
on nothing.-&- Joseph Herald.
..Then you won't lend me that dime novel.
eh 2 inquired boy Of another in the Postothce,
Saturday. % No, / won't" "An right then
next time our chimney burns out, you shan't
come into the yard and ThOOp and boller!'
Mammals birthday falls on the 18th. On the
18th she receives an important communication
from her two IitSle girls First little girl" We've
gOt n secret for you, but We shan't tell you
Second little girl" Not till your birthday
First little girl" And not then, neither, till
we've bought It,"
Father TAYLOR once prayed for all the musi-
clans and opera singers, and especially for the
beautiful young woman (Jenny Lind) who had
lust landed on our shores 10 gladden. American
ears with her songs As he closed, long, lank
fellow rose from the pulpit steps and asked
whether the preacher supposed a person who
died in an opera house could 60 TO heaven.
Father t. replied ''All good persons will 20 to
heaven but a fool will not, even though he dies
on the steps Of pulpit"
Spnkius has hit upon a happy expedient for
popularising science IN family circle. For in
stance at the breakfast-table he remarks: 80 Mrs.
SpiIkins, you wiIl be kind enough to replenish
NV cup with the embodiments Of solar influences
shed upon the surface Of Chinese soil ; also, If
YOU please two spoonfuls Of crystallIsed sun
shine from jamaica; ;" or, " Herodotus, my son
pass me the solid form Of sunsbine absorbed by
the pastures OF Orange County" With die
tionary and geography ut each plate, the idea
works to n charm.
A Lancaster, South Carolina, polygamist was
sentenced in the following words: James Mar
Tin the court Is credibly informed that you have
six wives now living in Lancaster County. The
law does not tolerate such monopoly. but
the court recognizing, as a mitigating elrcnm-
stance in YOUR case, the fact that you dwell IN
this vast solitude you may have thereby been
impressed with the belief that you live IN patrI-
archal times, and you may thus have multiplied
YOUR marriages to relieve the loneliness OF the
situation. The court, therefore, imposes upon
YOU the midest sentence permitted oy the statute
one month for each wife
A Young woman ON Fifth street thought to
make a little fun for her neighbors last Tuesday
evening, and accordingly dOnned a suit OF mems
clothing and called on them. She created much
merriment, and was succeeding nicely until she
arrived a certain mouse where tuc
monster has a habitati0n in the breast Of the hus-
hand. She Knocked at the door, and the husband,
who was expecting a call, probably from some
young man, answered 1t. Upon the caller inquiring
Tor Mrs, the jealous Benedict took her square
between the eyes with his fist and sprawled her on
her hack. This ended her fun The remainder
Of the night and portion Of yesterday she spent
in uouItIcing her optics with raw beetsteak
Tbey are both somewhat dilapidated.-[&. Joseph
(SIo,) Hsraid-l
A Belgian army officer has invented machine
for measuring the velocity Of a cannon shot.
Ua calls IL an electrOballistic chrOnOscoPe-"
invented a method Of measuring tie velocity OF
common ball once. I took ordinary gold
catch tied il % the ball, observed the time, and
fred at an iron-plated target Ny theory was
tbat the difference between the time when that
,vntcb was rammed in the gun and the time II
str,cs the target would indicate the velocity. In
theory .bis seems plausible enough but found
that L would not work in practice, for the watch
vas out of order after it had gone through the tar
0st ard the man who stood behind the target
vent home with q quarter OF peck OF brass cog
wheels and hair-springs and levers and minute
hands IN his leg Perhaps the Belgian machine
,iII ouerate more satisfactorily. But it makes no
difference 10 me now. Ever since went out with
tbe PsnpsyIvania militia have been q slave to q
habit of moving right OF the field and going home
as .oon a. conn0n balls begin To be fred. take
no further interest in the question OF velocity e1
eaptinz in 80 far it relates to the eaPaolities