The weekly clarion., 1875-04-07
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ITEMS.

Wine improves with age, but kisses
don't
Habit is a cable Every day we weave
a thread, and soon we cannot break it.
a Chicago man advertises for an office
boy, "tO build fires with a reference.
The American colony in London is
said to have very largely increased within
the past year or two.
Societies having for their object the es-
adjustment OF women suffrage have been
formed in Ireland.
Mr.. Gubbins says her husband is like a
tallow candle: he always will smoke
when he goes out.
"Love," said George Sand, "is an in
ternal transport The same may be
said of a canal-boat.
\ preserved pair"-An Egyptian
couple who have been living together as
mummies for 5000 years
Mrs. Partington declares that she does
not wish to vote, as she fears she couldn't
stand the electrical franchise.
A lady was the defendant in a recent
breach-ot-promise case in London. The
jury gave her disappointed lover s26
damages.
When Chicago man gets rich, he
writes to Eastern publishing houses and
tells them to send "half ton Of books
with gilt on"
A young wife in town has weaned her
husband from staying out late at "the
club" By keeping a club at home. 1t is
made of hickory.
A Connecticut girl married China
man to spite her mother, but after the
third thrashing she returned home to
spite the Chinaman.
There is said to be but one divorce in
England to every ten in America. Com
paratively few English people marry for
fun, it would seem.
A Canton woman says that she'd rath-
er have the nightmare seven straight
nights than tell her husband that the
flour barrel is empty.
A New Haven man confessed that he
married his wife because she was a good
carver. That's the kind of help.meat
every man wants.
In the story of the Pittsfeld woman
who wagers $500 that she can walk fifty
hours without rest or sleep, isn't "walk'
misprint for talk?
A candidate for county clerk in Texas
offered to register marriages for nothing.
His opponent, undismayed, promised to
do the same and throw a cradle in.
"See," said sorrowing wife, chow
peaceful TIE dog and cat are" "Yes,"
said the petulant husband, "but just tie
them together and see how the fur will
fly"
If your are thinking Of offering your
hand to young lady, it is always best
to choose your opportunity. As good a
time as any is when she is getting out of
an omnibus.
A busy season is anticipated in fitting
out sperm-whalers in New England this
Spring, stimulated by the small stock Of
oil on hand and the high price which it
commands.
The Detroit Free Press asks, if Mr..
Bergh can send man to Jail for three
months for killing a mad cat, we'd like to
know what he can do to a boy who feeds
shot to toad
Since the mineral fever took posses
sion of the people in the vicinity Of New
buryport, land which stood on the asses
sor's books at IS per acre, has been sold
for 81, 600 an acre.
When a good looking woman's husband
gets into State prison, even the Judge
who sent him there for three years when
he might have made it one, feels called
upon to 60 around and comfort her.
A female lawyer in Wyoming was re-
Gently obliged to suspend her argument
before justice in order to minister to
the wants Of her baby, who was arguing
for its dinner in an adjoining room.
Mr. Spinks is not going to do any more
in conundrums. He asked his wife why
cause he was born so, and he says that
the answer is very different from that.
A Troy fool got a beefs heart, put a
golden arrow worth s75 through it, aud
sent it to a Troy young woman for a
valentine. The fair creature gave the
heart to her poodle, but will keep the
arrow.
eve ask nothing unreasonable" gen
tly remarked Sister Of Charity. "Give
us fourteen yards Of that Ulster over
coat You will never miss it, and II
will clothe a dozen or more of our poor
children"
A stingy husband accounted for all
the blame of the lawlessness Of his chill
dren in company by saying his wife al
wavs gave them their own way. Poor
things, it's all have to give them, was
the prompt reply.
Stealing tombstones need no longer be
relegated to the realms of fiction. A
local item in the Corpus Christa (Texas
Gazette relates that a tombstone "fOuT
feet high, one foot wide and four inches
thick, has been stolen from a graveyard
in that vicinity.
1t was Jones, we believe, who got mad
at his wife the other night, when he
thought he heard burglars in the house.
She wouldn't let him go down in any
more than the single garment he had on
lest, if he should get stabbed, she'd have
to mend a hole in his pants.
An Indiana man has sued for divorces
on the ground that his wife hit him on
one spot on his head with the rOlling-p pin
for nineteen years, and his physician tell:
him that he viii certainly have softenine
of the brain unless the wcman selects
some other point. She declares she il
too old 10 change her habits, hence the
suit