davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13
He was Fooled.

Saturday last, rather cheeky specimen @
humanity entered the Times office and pre-
cecdcd to make himself at home. Not con
tent with prying into the press, he picked al
a newly nodded roller, drew out large jack
nite and proceeded to help himself, remark
ing that 1T was the finest bologna he'd seel
| in an age
! We looked on in mute establishment.
Somehow it don't chewfikc common dog,
he said
No, we rather guess not we replied.
We'll, now, how is it made?'
From glue, glycerine, strychnine, powder,
Glue?
Yes, glue
'Giyccrinc?
Yes
'Strychnlne y he yelled.
oh, yes about two-th.rds strychnine
You're gone man. we calmly said.
Let me die here he pleaded. Yes, here
Here, where I'll be warnin' to all who cal
printers dog
He lay down, prepared for his last hour
But it didn't come and towards evening he
arose a wiser, but sadder man, and slowly
wandered back to the bosom Of his family
Pekta TimeS
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13
-<sN-

The fellow who wants to know why people
always shake their Brussels carpets in the
front yard, and their ingram and rag in some
place not open to the public gaze, ought TO
be supplied with full supply of lnterroga-
ton points. He is TOO inquisi:ive by half
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

Detroit Free Press: You jist ought tc
have been over to our house last night,
shouted one small boy TO another on the Cam
pus Martius yesterday. 'Why-making pic.
lures? inquired the other Maui much
Nc, sir; our folks went away, and we had
popcorn, two kinds of sweetened water, milk
and camphor, drew the dog around in the
table cloth, amt the hired girl told us eight
ghost stories
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

The night clerk of Burlington hotel was
startled about II o'clock the other night by
the following conversation at time when he
supposed he was alone in the office: Come
along, you hoodlum, let's go up stairs Go
nothln',' was the gruff reply, let's wait till
you can get blood out of IN the house now
And the amazed and Mortified clerk could
see nobody in the room except two old gray
mosquitoes, doing on Saratoga trunk.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

a Fichburg, Massachusetts, conductor
stopped his tram the other morning for wo.
man who was rushing wildly after it. She
thanked him warmly, casually remarked that
she had forgotten to kiss her husband, made
good the omission and then strolled home
again. The conductor sarcast,cally asked
the happy husband if the train should wait
till he had sent for and kissed his mother.in-
law, but receiving mild negative, jerked
his little bell.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

Postmaster. General Jewell intends 10 com
bine the newspaper wrapper with the postal
card, so that the people who wish TO transmit
a newspaper to friend, and word of ref
erence or explanation, can be accommodate
ed tor the sum of two cents.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

A rich man beginning to fall, is held up by
his friends but poor man being down, II
thrust away by his friends; when rich mar
is fallen, he hath many helpers; lie speaketl
things not to be spoken, and yet men justify
him; the poor man slips, and they rebukt
him; he spoke wisely, and could have nc
place. When rich man speaketh, every
man holdeth his tongue land look, what he
saith they extol it to the clouds; but if a
Door man speak, they say, What fellow Is
[ is?
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

a gentleman travelling through one of the
most picturesque portions of the White
Mountain region saw farmer at work, and
being of a soclable disposition, approached the
man, expatiated on the beauty and majesty
of the surrounding scenery, concluding with
the remark, L suppose, my friend, you enjoy
this glorious view tina. people come so far to
look at? why, yes was the response; but
if I'd had the sortln' OF these hills I'd made
them a little peakeder'
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

4 subscriber TO the Carlyle Constitution
died few days ago. leaving four years suit
scilption unpaid. The editor appeared NJ the
grave when the lid was being screwed down
the last time. and pat in the coffin palm
leaf ian, a linen coat, and thermometer
which is only used in warm climates.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

Once on time Frenchman and Dutch
man were travelling in Pennsylvania, when
their horse lost a shoe. They drove up to a
blacksmith shop, and no one beng In, they
proceeded to the house to inquire. The
Frenchman raped and called out, Is de
smitty witt in? y 'Shtand back says Hans
let me shpeak Ish der blacksmihs shop
in der house,
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

The new swell billiard hall of Boston has
been styled the Palais Royal. In view of the
fact that penny minute is charged for
playing i. is suggested that the name be
changed to Penny Royal. 1t would take so
much better with subherbanS
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

'Pomp, was yer ever drunk No, l 'toz
icated wild ardent spirits once, and dat's NUT
for dis darkie. De Lord bless you, CIpsar
my head felt as if it was an Clubhouse, while
ali de niggers IN de world appeared to be
shifting wood in IT,
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

1t seems like a waste of time to spend five
years at West Point for the purpose of ac-
curing the title of Lieutenant, when a boy
can be called Colonel b simply addressing
a few words 10 any thirsty congregation in a
bar-rCOm
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

At party the other evening, Smith, the
funny man, picked from the floor some false
hair, and holding it aloft, wickedly asked
who had lost it. Impulslvely thehand of eve
ry lady within earshot went to her back hair.
1t was cruel to throw them off their guard
and expose them so; but Smith says 1t wasn't
his fault,
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

Two little newspapers in Santa Barbara,
California, are edited by two women, and
they quarreled. One says that the other is
cross-eved and the other retorts that her rival
is an old maid. No bloodshed as yet.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

1t was just after the funeral. The bereaveC
and subdued widow enveoped IN millinery
gloom was seated in the sitting-room with ,
few sympathizng friends There was tina
constrained look, so peculiar to the occasion
observable on every countenance. The widow
sighed.
How do you feel, my dear observed hel
sister.
oh, don't know, said the poor woman
with difficulty restraining her tears. But
hope everything passed off we'll
Ind ed it did, said all the ladies.
1t was as large and respectable funeral as
| have seen this winter, said the sister, look
ing around upon the others.
Yes it was said the lady from the next
door. Il Twas saying to Mrs. Slocum, only
ten minutes ago, that the attendance couldn't
have been better-the bad going being con
sdered'
Did you see the Tay lors 2 asked the widow
family, looking at her sister. They go Sc
rarely to funerals that was quite surprised
to see them here
oh, yes, the Taylors were all here said
the sympalhizng sister. AS you say, they
go but little; they are 81 exclusive
4 thought saw the Curtises Also, sug-
gested the bereaved woman, droopingly.
oh yes, chimed in several. They came
in their own carriage, too said the sister, an
mated And then there were the Randalls
and the Van Rensalears. Mrs. Van Rensa-
lear had her cousin from the city with her.
And Mrs Randall wore a heavy black silk,
which am sure was quite new. Did you
see Col. Haywood and his daughters, love 9
Il thought / saw them, but | wasn't sure.
They were here then, were they?
Yes, indeed said they all again, and the
lady who lived across the way observed;
The Colonel was very sociable, and en-
quired most kindly about you, and the sick
ness of your husband
The widow smiled family. She was graft
fed by the interest shown by the Colonel:
The friends now rose to go, each bidding
her goodbye, and expressing the hope that
she would be calm. Her sister bowed them
out. When she returned, she said:
You can see, my love, what the ncighbors
think of it. l wouldn't have had anything
unfortunate happen for a good deal. But
nothing did. The arrangements couldn't
have been better
4 think some of the people in the neigh
borhood must have been surprised to see SO
many of the uptown people here suggested
the afflicted woman, trying to look hopeful.
You may be quite sure of that! asserted
the sister. L could see that plain enough by
their looks
We'll, am glad there is no occasion for
talk said the widow, smoothing the skirt OF
her dress.
And after that the boys took the chairs
home, and the house was put in order.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

None bat the brave deserve the fair What
Is the difference between brave man and a
coward when a fair one Is concerned? One
will give up all to get her, and the other
gives up altogether.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

LuNAL - EI'TL EN1 +; ~ 'I'.--EsTATE OF
u PATRICK BURKE, DEcEAsED.-Notceis hereby given
10 al persons nteresedn said estate that Margaret Burke
and John Burke Executors Of the last will and testament
OF said PatrckT Burke deceased, viii appear before he
Comfy Court OF the county OF La Sale and state of hi
nois al the County Court House in oaws IN said county
on Monday the nineteenth dav of April 1875 for the
purpose C rendering account of their proceedings In
the administered of said estate for the nna settlement
Dated at Ottawa this 18th day OF February 1915
MARGARET BURKE
JOHN BURKE,
ATTEST: II. A. McCALER. Executors.
Clerk County Court, La Sale Co., H. ieb21-tw
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

III Al - ETH IcM IcNT.--EsTATR OF
VALENTINE DoLnFR, DEo'p.-Eotice IL hereby given TO
all persons interested in said estate that william Slv Elk
ecuor OF the last viii and testament of said Valentine
Doder deceased will appear before The County Court OF
the county OF La Sale state OF Illinois, at the County
Court House in Ottawa, In said county Monday, the
nineteenth day of April 1875 for the purpose OF
derng account Of his oceedings in the administration
OF SAID estate tor the final settlement.
Dated at Ottawa this 18th day OF February 1875.
WILLIAM SLY,
ATTEST: II. A. McCALEB. Executor.
Clerk CouAty Court, La Sale Co. ebeI.iw
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13
Regal
A DMlNis--i'IS RS SALE Oh
"A TX E,AI. l.ssI'A'I'E..

BY virtue OF order and decree OF the County Court OF
La Sale county, Illinois, made On the petition OF the under
signed William j. Graham. Administrator of he estae OF
james Hrahan deceased for eave 10 sell the real estate
OF sad deceased. al the January term u 1873 OF said
court TO VII: on the 22nd uay January lS, shall on
Tue day March next betW The hours Of
noon u sad day sell At public sale the south door OF
e touhy Court House IN OAws, IN said county HE real
estate described az ro ows 10 witt Lots four and I'VE
Deek hythree states Addition the city OF ttaws'
hso an UNDIVIDED hall ofCt three, iSur ana nVe.
IN Dock hye Union Addition to the city OF taws aso an
unuvde ha OF lots one, two three fosr Ave, six. seven
yen ana eeven In lloc tour Union Addition to the city OF
OtaWa also lot one In block sevcn Rt Dad Add ion To
me cry OF Ottawa, also lot i've IN block one Railroad Ad
ulon 10 theciy OF Ottawa In La sale county, Illinois,
lhe following terms, to Wit Cash IL hand time o. said
sale as aforesaid
Dated this I'D day OF February A. D. 1915.
WILLIAM j GRAHAM,
ieb9. OF lanes Graham decessed
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13
4 DMINIST'IsATO SALE OF
n IL CAL E.sS'EArTE,

ny virtue OF an order and decree Of the County Court
La sae county, Illinois made the petition the under
signed. Administrator of the estate OF william II. Foote
ceased for leave to sell the real OF said deceased
Nv the February term 1875 OF said court w.t. the
tWentyhith day of February 1875, sha the twent,
ninth day OF March next between the hours of ten O'Clock
In the forenoon and five O'Clock in the AT aid
day. sell at public sale the premises described below In
Eden township In said county the real estate described
follows TO wit The east halt OF the southeast
section fifteen, IN township thrtywo north. range one
east OF the third principal uerdian in La Sale county H.
lnois, on the following terms wit: One hi OF the
purchase money to be paid the day Of sale and the
malnder In two equal Payments six and twelve
time respectively, with interest at ten per cent from the
day or sale the purchaser to give approved secu
~ and mortgage the premises sold To the pay
ent OF the unpaid purcha'e money Sale to be made sub
icct 10 the right OF homestead and dover
Dated this 2otl day Of February d 1876
JOHN L. MINER
Administrator OF the Estate OF william
feb2I'lw II. Foote. deceased.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

BEWARE OF spurious needles, poor SIX, tTist bad oil
ETC. hch render te best Diehigs n',t We manu-
cotton thread and oial Of superior ouaty-bnt Hich
can be relied only when obtained through our ir,nCips
or Branch once. teDe
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13

The line Of life is a ragged diagonal be-
tween duty and desire
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-13
BUDGET OF FUN.
ia2yncss and ShIilIcs.ness.

LaZyncss seems to be AZ natral rs onions
and just about az hethy, too
The lame and the lazy h0v allwus been
provided tor; the world haz allwus walled on
them and allwus will.
Lazy folks are alwus wanting sumthing
but they ain't allwus happy when they git it;
hay studdyed the lazy man clussy, and
tho the philosophers tell us that lazyness haz
ruined more folks than the measles haz, |
never knu lazy man to quite Spite yet OF
loze emmy fat
Lazyness IL sed to invite dcviltry, but mi
experience haz bee that lazy raskall Kant
earn days's wages at mischief.
don't luv lazy folks, don't even respekt
them, but kant help but admire the way
they eat.
l never knu lazy man yet but hau Il kraZy
appeight, and if he couldn't GIT sirloin stake
would take common hash or kodphlsh'balls
for breakfast, and shove hiZ plate up the
sekond time for sum more.
I.azyness liz one ov the fust laws ov natur
and for that very reason, suppose, is en-
titled to some compashun.
Lazy folks are generally fatt, and good
natured. hav seen them so kind and docile
that they wouldn't even fife flies.
snIFFIEssNEss.
Shifiessness and iazyness are often con.
founded, but thare IL really mulch ODDS be-
tween them.
Lazy folks hate to work, but when they do
set about thing they often do it better than
any one else kan, while shiiiless person IL
az often bzzy doing things so slovngly that
it disgusts every boldly.
hav seen lazy wimmin who were az neat
and az klean az Il nu three-cent piece, and
have seen shitilless ones who waz az bzzy az
bunny bee in a sugar barrell and as badly
daublod up.
Shiffess people make almost AZ mulch
hubble in this world az wicked ones do.
They never do emmy thing entirely right, and
perhaps not entirely wrong, and yu kant git
a good average on one ov them.
l hav crate menny lazy ones on mi list
ov acquaintance, and even friends, but
never hav ennything to do with a shiifless
one. They are alwuss reddy to borrow sum-
thing, and are allwuss reddy to keep it.
l luv to lend things, even mi boots and UNI
breller, but do hate to hav to go two miles
and half after them in wet day.
The shiftiesS and the drunken are n good
deal alike; every time yu lift them up and
let go ov them down they go again.
Yu kant help this kind ov people, yu kant
even skarc them; they will promise emmy
thing, and they will tell lie just az honest
az they will tell the truth.
| had rather watch two raslals than one
shiffless kuss.
Lazy people kan be puntched up little
once awhile, but the more yu puntch up a.
shiftless one the wuss yu and they are Oft.
Death IL the only sure kure Tor shiffless'
ness-they kant fool with this remedy mulch
Josh Billings, in Nec lorb Weekly.
Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1875-04-30

BARNUM OFFERS TO TAKE a Big Con-
TRACT.-There was mammoth temper
ance meeting in Barnum's Hippodrome
tent at Philadelphia on Sunday, and among
the speakers was the great Snowman, who,
in closing his speech, made the following
proposition, A. reported in the Times of
that city:
Il will undertake and give bonds for the
lulhllment of the contract, that if the city
OF Philadelphia will stop selling liquor and
give me As much as was expended here for
liquor last year, TO run the city next year,
| Will pay all the city expenses (pause) !;
40 person living within her borders shall
pay taxes (pause); there shall be no insur-
ancc on property (pause); good dress and
suit Shall be given TO every poor boy and
girl, man and woman (pause) all the adu-
catiOnal expenses shall he paid (pause) n
barrel Of -four shall be given TO every
needy and worthy person (sensation) and
! will clear r half million or million dol
lars myself by the operation (Cries OF
'hnrrah ~ 1t would be the best business
speculation ! was ever in. Unfortunately
they wouldn't give it to me. AS Benjam-
in Franklin said: we are paying too dear
for our WHISTLE"
Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1875-04-30
Let the People speak.

MANHATTAN, KAN.-R. v. PIERCE, Buff
falo, n. y: Dear Sir-Your favorite pre-
scription has done my wife "A world of
good. She has taken nearly two bottles
and has felt better the past two weeks than
at any time in the past two years. No
mere periodical pains; none of that aching
back or dragging sensation in her stomach
she has been accustomed 10 for several
years. l have so much confidence in il
that would be perfectly willing to war
rant 10 certain customers Ofours who would
be glad 10 get hold of relief at any expense.
have tried many Patent Medicines, but
never had any occasion TO extoi one before.
Very truly yours,
GEO. X. WHITING.
Mrs. e. II. DAILY, Metropolis, ILL.,. writes !:
"Dr. X. V. Pierce-My sister is using the
Favorite Prescription with great benefit"
MARY ANN FRIsBIE, Lehman, Pa, writes:
"Dr. r. V. Pierce-What have taken of
your medicine has been OF more benefit TO
me than all others aud hundreds of doc
tors bills"
DR.. Pierce's Favorite Prescription Is sold
by dealers in medicines generally.
Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1875-04-30

"A Norfolk tNa.) man who had lost sew
eral sheep by dogs put strychnine in large
quantities upon one of the carcassos, the
other day, and, next morning, found 81
dead dogs In the field, the iarthest one
being less than 100 yards from the dead
sheep.
Col. George w. Gayle, the man who
offered 81 600 600 for LincOln's assassina-
ton in 1864, died lately at Selma, Ala,
aged G5 years. In 1864 he had inserted in
the Cahawba, Ga, Gazette $1,000, 900 re-
ward for the ass assination of MIR. Lincoln.
He was not wo nth as many cents. Amer
the assassination the editors of the Gazette
were arrested because of the reward offered
in their columns. In the examination
Gayle was found to be the man who offered
the reward, and lie was arrested aud con-
fined about one year in Fortress Monroe.
During his confinement in Fortress Mon
roe he became partially paralyzed in his
lower limbs, from which he never recov-
cred.
A rather unique sort of "A miser has
just died at Hudson, N. Y. lie was an
Episcopal minister, who served as mis-
sionary for his church in Greene county,
receiving a salary OF 5000 and numerous
donations. He lived in extreme poverty,
and when he died, a subscription was taken
up to pay the funeral expenses. After the
funeral, his rooms were examined, and a
will found, together with package con-
tanning $4,000 in government bonds, and
handbook, showing deposit Of $4,000
In a bank in New York city. The will
gave half of his property TO his relatives,
and the rest to st. Luke's hospital and to
churches in which he had preached. The
clergyman's name was Clark, and he went
to Greene county from Halifax, n. S.
Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1875-04-30

French THRIFT. -EX-Secretery McCul-
loch, in his second letter on French fnanc-
es, thus speaks of the household economy
practiced in France:
"An intelligent Bostonian, who had
spent some years in France, said to me last
summer, speaking of the economical habits
and skill in cookery OF the French people,
that "a French village Oft Thousand inhabit
ants could be supported luXuriously ON the
waste of one of our large American hotels.
The remark was not far from the truth. If
the art of cooking were understood and
practiced in the United States as il Is in
France, if our people knew as well how to
make the most of their provisions as the
French do, the cost of living, as far as food
is regarded, in most of the States would be
reduced more than fifty per cent. Domes-
tic economy, as "a rule, is neither pracliced
nor understood by Americans as tits in
France. II may not be too much to say
that the entire population of France could
be supported on food which is literally
wasted In the United States. The number
of people who live beyond their incomes
is less, and the number Of those whose in
comes exceed their expenditures is greater
in France in proportion 10 population than
in any other country"
Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1875-04-30

- The American Hall was well filed by
the contestants and spectators of the spell
ing match on Saturday evening. The
words were pronounced by Mr.. J. II.
Henry, and Mrs. +. Slearns and DIR. w.
). Leonard were announced IS judges. 4
young gentleman soon established his
title 10 the spelling book, and the gentle
mems side finally came to grief, Master
Charles Smith being the last 10 succumb.
Mrs. +. Blanchard won the dictionary.
The contest lasted two hours. Ii is said
some feel that they failed 10 do themselves
justice and another match Is talked OF. An
opportunity, we understand Will soon be
afforded those who wish TO try again by
the Universalist society. The Congrega-
tionalists are 10 spell this evening (Wednes-
day. in connection with the regular meet
ing OF the ladies society.
A generous decd. ]. Estey & Co., OF
Brattleboro, and w. A. Horton of this
place have recently conferred a noble ben
efaction upon the Baptist Society When
the new church editice was dedicated, IL
was supposed that all Indebtedness Was re-
moved, but il was found not long AFTER
ward, that certain claims had been over
looked in the haste or the last few DAYS of
preparation and settlement, and that a
debt OF $3.50, still remained. The gentle
men named above, and who, as is well
known contributed so largely for the build
ing and at the completion of the work
have now come forward aud contributed
equally for the extinguishment of the
Troublesome remainder.
Rev. DIR. Lindsay, returned mission
AIRY, who has labored under the auspices OF
the A. b. G. +. NJ. in the East, is anuounc-
ed to lecture on the subject of missions,
Friday evening, at the Congregationalist
church. Some OF the other churches have
changed their Friday evening meetings TO
give their societies an opportunity to at
tend.
Playing with matches. Some bows en-
joying themselves at this paslime had the
fortune to set the dead grass on fire near
the dwelling of Mr.. +. Thayer. A number
OF men and women In the vicinity, using
old clothes, pieces Of carpeting and few
pals of water soon put it out. In the mean
time the alarm had been given, causing a
good deal OF noise and excitement.
The Methodists are preparing their ves-
try for use on the coming Sabbath, hoping
to enter II for service then with new pas :.
for