Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1875-04-05

A Chinaman should be made to play
billiards with his own queue.
No true woman will ever marry a man
so tall that she cannot reach his hair.
A full grown African elephant can be
bought for $4,000. No family should be
without one.
My lecture, said a California orator
will be brief. :" A turnip HIM at that
instant, and he announced /: The meet
ing is adjourned.
Lemon juice and glycerine, it is said,
WILL remove tan and freckles, and cleanse
and soften the skin. You can try it, but
we dom guarantee it.
Mr. Madder and Miss Backup were
married, a few days ago, in Logansport,
Indiana. The more he got his Backup,
of course, the Madder she got.
An association has been established
"to elevate the grade of butter manufac-
tured in this country" We object. But
ter, above all things, should be ineligi-
bic to rank.
petrlhed negro was lately found in
a garret over q law Office in a village in
Mississippi. 1t was supposed that he
undertook to study law and became abb
sorbed in Blackstone.
Bessie, my dear, you are painfully
modest, are the words used when Tilton
carried Bessie from her downy bed to
his'R. Still Bessie preserved her virtue,
according to the latest telegram.
A lady at Memphis says she doesn't
want any jewelry, hasn't looking-glass
in the house, and wouldn't take q silk
dress as gift. Memphis has another
living curiosity-a crOss-eyed cat.
A man in Bergen Tunnel the other
morning hailed fellow-laborer with
so we've got a baby at yer house; what
is 1t, boy or "A gyurl ?" "Guess %
"An' it's boy" No" We'll then
it's gyurl." Faith" said the delight
ed father somebody's ben telling ye. ="
Come here, my little man." said a
gentleman to youngster of four years.
when sitting in a parlor where a large
company was assembled "do you know
me !" Yes, sir, l think l do" WHO
am | then-let me hear 2" "You are
the man that kissed sister Jane last night
in the parlOr" Jane tainted.
When the Duchess of Edinburgh wants
to talk nicey- nicey to her boy baby, all
she has to say, is: "And was its own
muzzy's blessed little Albert Alexander
Alfred Ernest William ?" And then the
overburdened infant goes into convul-
sions that would twist the backbone
right out of a plebeian baby.
The following is one of the sweet lit,
tie ditties of the Western spelling school:
0, lead my infant feet to walk
Into the spelling school;
Let other children sneer and laugh
At photographic rule.
But me that better way still lead
Till perfectly l spell
So may shun the path that leads
To where Josh Billings fell.
Some people imagine that Mark Twain
is exceedingly smart. We knew him
when he was grinding platitudes for the
Virginia Enterprise, and he was a no.
torious lazy grinder He would sit al
his editorial table for hours, drumming
on cracked guitar. while the composIt-
ors were waiting for copy, and when re-
minded Of his duty by the foreman
would say: This working between
meals is killing me % And he was tn,
healthiest man in the territory.-Oak
land Tribune.
In the office of one Of the hotels re-
Gently gentleman snapped his finger Il
bOot-black, and as he put his foot OF
the box he said: ''You look like good
smart boy" See here. mister 20 re
piled the boy as he rose up. brush il
either hand. 1--we had that game PLAYED
on me dozen times. and now / want Il
know whether this is a cash shine o
whether you're going to pat me on th
head when ! get through. and tell m
that III be Governor Of Michigan som
day ?"-Defr0it Free Press.
A California breach of promise sui
puts the following offer of marriage Of
record; ii want you to rite & let m
know if you any ide of marrying gain
or not If so rite & let me know whot th
Chance woul bee for Me now if you ha
eny noshin all you got to do is to sa
yes for mean bisness. Made up m
minde to Not mary eny more once. bU
i like you & think Can make you haI
py will be good to you and the childre
US longe as you live am young & abb
to Worke g. don't care whether 20
have got a scent or not it all same to
me No Moro at present Ancer this in
medity."