River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1875-01-08
The Deacon.
Adirondack Murray

Deacon SharPface was peculiar man;
a very unfortunate man he was, even at
birth. His mother was bilious, and
his father rheumatic; and he resembled
both. To his parental inheritance he
had managed to add dyspepsia and
dyspepsia to him meant something. lie
paid attention to il. He ate with it
and SLEPT with it. 1t sharpened his
codntenance, glared ferociously at you
through his spectacles, and sounded
through his nose when he prayed. lie
had been a professor forty years, but
had been re-converted after he had
been member of the Church thirty,
and deacon ten. find no faul: with
this. His second conversion was rather
needed. Even another would have
done him no considerable injury.
Spiritually he needed the allopathic
ueatment,-large doses and frequent
administrations.
But, friends, whatever Deacon Sharp
face lacked in gentleness, in charity, in
the sweet graces of the Spirit, in broth.
erly kindness, in patience, it mattered
little, for he was thoroughly orthodox.
That saved him. If he had been a
Parkeritc, or had worshipped with
Brother Alger, he would have been a
terrible example Of what heresy could
do. But his orthodoxy saved him. 1t
covered him with mantle of charity,
and won him the election to the Dea-
conate.
That filled his cup to overlooking. 1t
gave him many advantages, chief among
them was this: it gave him lifelong
opportunity to defend the old faith,
Never did a man improve all oppor-
tunity better. Woe to the preacher
who preached before Deacon Sharpface,
especially if he was young man lie
listened TO every sermon, from
beginning to end, only to dis
cover heresy. Any unusual form
Of expression was instantly noted
down. lfa text was misquoted, he was
in ecstacy, and the hard lines Of his
face absolutely, for once, relaxed as if,
somewhere in its cadaverous recesses,
there yet remained the corpse of an UNI
lectual relreshment, and prayers he en-
joyed pencil in hand. have said that
the deacon was unfortunate-unfortun.
ate in his nature, his education and his
temper; but the greatest misfortune
was the time of his birth. He was born
nineteen hundred years too late. He
should have been Pharisee, and a
member Of the Sanhedrim, at the time
of Christ.
Now you think that is harsh. Well,
will hang the two faces side by side
for a moment and you shall look into
their eyes. Like Pharisee this New
England deacon was bgoted. 1t was
the joke of the city. Like PEarisee
he was spiritually proud. Like a
pharisee, he was fond of traditions.
What had not the mold and mildew oil
age upon it must be an error; whatever
had, from that fact became the highest
wisdom. Like Pharisee, he was SHARP
in his judgments and bitter in his speech
His wife knew that best. Like Phar
isee, he loved to have his goodness rec
ogniZed. lie loved to have it known
in the great gatherings of his denomi
nation where the lay and clerical digni
taries met, that he was the senior dea
con Of a great metropolitan organiza
ton. But the strength of his position
in that church, the granite barricad'
behind which the miserable man crouch
ed to cast forth stones at better people
than himself, was his undoubted ortho
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