The Stark County Democrat. [volume] (Canton, Ohio) 1833-1912, 1875-08-05
YarieM
AMUSING VARIETY.

They now call retired printers ex-
press men.
Pillars that should be shaken down
caterpillars.
"This," thought a boy while he was
being trounced by his fond papa, "is very
like whale"
The misery felt by the child who
couldn't 90 to the picnic. is nothing to
that of the one who has been to it.
The report that the Princess of Wales
chad lost her hearing" was only Cock
neyperversion. She lost an earring.
An Iowa editor recently announced
that certain patron of his was "thieving
as usual" 1t was written thriving.
"Do you like Goldfish balls, Mr.. Wig
gins?" Mr.. Virgins, hesitatingly-"l
really don't know; l don't recollect at
tending one."
"I think have seen you before, sir.
Are you not Owen Smith," "0h, yes,
Pm OWN Smith, and owin' Jones, and
OWN Brown, and OWN everybody"
Let's chip in and raise a hundred dol
lars for the Boston physician who says
that it is unhealthy to rise before the
sun has dispelled the morning fogs.
Detroit Free Press.
Marx Twain, apropos of new portable
mosquito net, writes that the day is com
ing "when we shall sit under our nest in
church and slumber peacefully, while the
discomftted flies club together and take
it out of the minister.
A teacher in the Port Jervis public
schools was last week explaining to the
children that usually all words ending
with "let" meant something small, as
streamlet, rivulet, hamlet, etc. Where
upon smart boy asked if hamlet meant
a small ham.
"For want of water l am forced to
drink water; if l had water, would
drink wine" This speech is riddle,
and here is the solution: 1t was the
complaint of an Italian vineyard man,
after long drought, and an extremely
hot summer that had parched up all his
grapes.
A man who cheats in short measure is
a measureless rogue. Ifin whisky, then
he is a rogue in spirit. If by falsifying
his accounts, then he is an unaccountable
rogue. If he gives bad title to land
then he is rogue indeed. If he gives
short measure in wheat, then he is a
rogue in grain.
A Detroit mother sent her boy to the
store the other day to get her a linen
dress, and he returned with fourteen
yards of black cambric. 81 told you tC
get linenw she exclaimed, standing
aghast. IL know it, but this is cheaper
and the clerk said if any of us should
happen to die, you'd have mourning
dress in the houseW was the cool reply
Detroit Free Press,
Some of the company at tea with &
Danbury family spoke of the excellence
of the honey, whereupon the head Of the
house, who stands in reputed dread o
his wife, feelingly said, Honey is the
most delicious of all delicacies. 1t is the
nectar of beautiful flowers, slipped from
brilliant petals by the never-tiring bee
and moulded into a glory that woulC
tempt the god of =" 'Ephraimp enun
ciated his wife with stern solemnity
shave you been drinking again? ?" Eph
groaned.
A farmer on the road between Charl
ton and Worcester, Mass, having beer
terribly annoyed by drummers, put up {
sign: mo sewing machines wanted here
Got one" 1t was no use; the very mex
drummer wanted to see the machine
"and perhaps he'd hitch up trade" 81
the farmer put up: "Got the smallpox
here" That worked well for a little
while, but then came along drummer
frightfully pitted with the smallpox
who smilingly said: "Seein' you've got i
bad here they put me on this route"
The best trait in Barney Williams
character is the filial love and reverence
he has for the ould mother, an ancien
Irish woman, who can never be Fifth
avenuized, who will smoke a pipe, whC
will wear peat-bog cap, who has no bool
lCetl lllLSI tlllu " DlOSuO IOu OIulO Cu
with knife, but who has the place O
honor at the table and the best the house
affords, who is introduced to every CUES
with fond affection, who can 60 sit anC
smoke her dhudeen on the stone steps
"forninst the dure av she PLACES" as she
says. What fine example the play
actor sets.-New York Letter.
tits said that Plato once defined mar
as "a two-legged featherless animal,
whereupon Diogenes threw a living
plucked rooster into his school, saying
"Behold Plato's man." A point equally
amusing and trivial was made in one O
President Hopkins's lectures on "Tht
Scripture View of Man." before the Yale
Divinity School, recently, if a reporter
may be believed: Herbert Spencer pu
on his philosophers cap, and with the
dignity of an owl defines thus Life il
the continuous adjustment of internal re
lations to external relations
Whereupon, also, l put on my philoso
piers cap. and, with the dignity of al
owl, likewise define thus The boiling
of water in a tea kettle is the continuous
adjustment of internal relations to ex
tnrnal rplatiOnS ~