Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1875-12-30

shaped like a pie, | knew that now
was going to come face to face
with the noble red man.
A lady clerk in a shop told me, in
deed, that all her grand array were
made hv the Indians, and there were
plenty about the Falls, and that they
were friendly, and that it would not
be dangerous to speak to them.
came upon camp of them gath
cred in the shade of Great tree,
making moccasins, and addressed
them in the following language OF
friendship:
Noble Red men, Brave Grand
Sachem, War Chiefs, and High-you-
Nuck-a-setting sun greets you. You,
Beneficent Pole cat, you Devourer of
mountains, you Roaring Thundergust
the pale-face from beyond the greet
you all.
"War and pestilence have thinned
your ranks and destroyed your once
proud nation. Poker and seven.up
and vain modern expense for soap
unknown to your glorious ancestors)
have depleted your purses. Appro-
priating in simplicity the property of
others has gotten you into trouble.
disappearing facts of your sinless
innocence has damaged your reputa-
ton with the soulless usurper. Trad
ing with forty-rod whisky, to enable
you to get drunk and tomahawk your
families has played the everlasting
mishief with the picturesque pomp of
your dress, and here you are in the
broad light of the nineteenth century,
gotten mp like the gattag and bobtail
of the purlieus of New York For
shame! Remember your ancestors
Recall their mighty deeds! Remem-
Der Uncas! and Red Jacket! and
Horace Greeley! Emulate their
achievements Unfurl yourselves I'M
der my banner, noble savages, illus
trous guttersnipes-"
Down wild him !
Scalp the blaggard =
Hang him 2
1t was the quickest operation that |
ever saw. simply saw sudden
fash in the air of clubs, brickbats,
fists, bread-baskets, and moccasins-
single flash, and they all appeared
to hit me at once and no two of them
in the same place.
In the next instant the entire tribe
was upon me. They tore all the
clothes off of me; they broke all my
arms and all my legs; they gave me
a thump that denied the top of my
head till it would hold coffee like a
saucer; and then to crown their dis
graceful proceedings and add insult
to injury they threw me over the
Horseshoe Falls and | got wet.
1om hs t opDesa6yS Gs aupqrs1
caught on a PROTECTING .rock and l
was almost drowned before ! could
get loose.
l finally fell and brought up on a
world of foam at the foot of the Fall,
whose celled and hubby masses
lowered up several inches above my
head.
OF course / got into the eddy. l
sailed round and round it forty-four
times, chasing a chip and gaining on
teach round trip a half mile
reaching the same bush on the bank
forty-four times, and just exactly
reaching it by hairs breadth each
time.
At last a man walked down and sat
close to that bush and put pipe in
bis mouth and lit a match and follow
ed me with one eye and kept the
other on the match while he sheltered
it in his hands from the wind. Pres
emily puff of wind blew it out. The
next time / swept around him he said,
Got a match 2
'Yes-in my other vest. Help me
out, please?'
Not for Joe
When / came ound again | said ::
Excuse the seemingly impertinent
curiosity of a drowning man, but will
you explain this singulary conduct of
yours ?
with pleasure. Il am the Coroner.
Don't hurry on my account. | can
wait for you. / wish had match.
Take my place and I'll go and get
you one said |.
He declined. This lack of conf
dence on his part created GOODNESS
between us, and from that time for
ward | avoided him.
1t was my idea in case anything
happened to me TO so time the occur
renee as to throw my custom into the
hands of the opposition Coroner on
the American side.
At last policemen came along and
arrested me for disturbing the peace
by yelling for help.
The Judge fined me, but / had the
advantage of him. My money was
with my pantaloons (which were with
the Indians.
Thus / escaped. | am now lying
in very critical condition. Or at
least | am lying anyway-critical or
not.
| am hurt all over, but / cannot
to'l ihS CAIChb gCes DOS1uSC IiO uOSeoi
is not done taking the inventory.
He will make out my manifest this
evening. However, thus far, he
thinks only six of my wounds are
fatal. l don't mind the others.
Upon regaining my right mind |
said
1T is an awfully savage tribe OF
Indians that do the bead work and
moccasins for Niagara Falls, doctor ?
/ shall not be able the finish my re-
marks about Niagara Falls until get
better.
s@"Why, I'ze been standing on
dat piece of red-hot iron - exclaimed
a Memphis darkey.
"And you didn't know il ?" inquir,
ed the smith.
"No, not zacly but | smelt suthin
kinder curse for a good while, but ]
fought dere was a dead boss around
4 Il.