The weekly democratic statesman. [volume] (Austin, Tex.) 1871-1883, 1875-07-22
A Lively Aner-DInner SDeeeh-sharp Hits
at College Dignitaries.

1hOuoDAA 4. -. ..-.... JULY ~. 1879
A Lively Aner-DInner speech-sharD Hit,
at College Dignitaries.
Decidedly the feature of the dinner of
the Harvard alumni on commencement day
was the speech OF Mr.. ]. II. Choate, partner
OF William NJ. Evarts. The humor Of the
closing part will be appreciated by persons
who have no interest in the college, and we
therefore quote as follows:
"Mr. President, we who are getting TO be
among the older graduates, refer with long
ing to the past and great and growing a. Is
the college, or the university in whichit Is
now lost, we can't help thinking that our
brightest days were when we were under
the COOL and shady trees. And, for one,
shall always, whatever fate may come upon
the college, remain OF the honest conviction
that the presidency Of Jared Sparks was the
best time OF the college. Laughter. And,
sir, in those days the government of the col
lege was administered on very different
principles than those which are now main
tanned. The standard was established upon
the orthodox theory that the capability of
eVsry class is TO be measured by the strength
of the weakest link in the chain, and the
curriculum was adapted to the understand
ing Of the stupIdest.
''The worthy President, Mr.. Chairman,
whose precepts and examples have been SO
much neglected in recent days, made a
practicable application IN his treatment of
the study, OF what Mr.. Quincy, / believe,
had once loosely pronounced when he said
that his maxim was, BE to their faults a
little blind, be to their virtues very blind,
but clap the paddock on the mind.
Laughter. The key, sir, to that paddock
was lost IN Qulncy's time; Sparks never
looked for it, and when hear Of the mise
ries OF the graduates of the present
day, / almost regret that Eliot found it and
set TO insert 1t in the rusty wards of the
lock. Laughter and applause. l don't
mean to say, sir, that we were kept away
from the fountain of learning; far from it.
We learned few things, and tried to learn
them well, but then, too, there were hid
den mysteries in those days as in these more
recent.
Iremember Prof. Peirce, whose venerable
form now rejoice to see in freshness among
US. [Great applause. He and his functions
were the ne Plus ultra. Laughter. / be-
lieye that modern upstart among philoso-
pliers, Herbert Spencer, has claimed TO be
the first originator and teacher of the un-
movable. Prof. Pierce was ahead of him
by many years. Great laughter and ap-
plause. He, sir, had three different forms
OF mathematical problem by which he used
TO test our progress-the first and simplest
were those that only the first eight in the
class could understand, the second were
those which nobody but the professor him
self could MASTER and the third were those
which neither he nor anybody else could un-
derstand. Laughter.
snow, sir, am truly Mortified in taking
up one OF these annual catalogues, to see
the tests that are applied to the modern
mind. l verify believe that any simple
minded graduate of more than twenty years
standing would find it more difficult to pass
any one OF the junior examinations that we
have laid down than really it would be for
the camel to pass through the eye of a
needle. Laughter. / wish, sir, that JUS
tice might be done to these trembling youths
llaughter, and that for once the tables
might be turned upon the board of oyerseers
loud and prolonged applausel, under
whose authority these excruciating tests are
applied to the infant minds
" take up the last annual catalogue Tpull-
ing the book from his pocket, with view
to see whether there were probably any of
the venerable and honorable overseers. as
they used to be called, who could answer
the simplest of these questions, and would
like TO have it applied here and now. IGreat
applause and laughter. Begin, sir, with
the venerable head of the University.
Roars OF laughter. That, sir, was the
formal mode of speaking to the president
when was in college. / don't know how
it suits him to be addressed in that way by
one who was sophomore with him fresh
man. But really, gentlemen, if wisdom is
the grey head of man, and honesty true old
age, why he is already as old as Quincy and
as venerable as Walker. Applause.
"Now, let us have q little examination in
philosophy. Why, Mr.. President, there was
something called philosophy taught in our
day by Prof. Bowen. That was before the
true function of the brain as the scat of the
mind had been discovered; but we were
taught spurious and effete kind of mental
philosophy, which consisted in evolving
something out of our own consciousness
which was not there. Loud laughter. |
Now let US see whether the venerable head
of the University could answer single one
OF these questions, and if he can he will
rise TO do it. [Roars of laughter.
Explain the paTalogism Of rational psy-
chology (proving the thesis and antithesis
OF one Of them as an example,; and the
theological, genealogical, and physico -theo-
logical proofs Of the ideal Of pure reason, or
idea of God, together with Rants objections
to each Of these three modes of proof
81 am sorry MIR. Charles Francis Adams,
the genial president of the board of over
seers, has left in time to escape this exami-
nation, and in his absence would like to
ask Judge Hoar to tell me this:
Explain briefly the theory of astomistic
dymanlsm, and how it reduces matter to
mere will and presentation. OF what only
do the senses and the physical science take
cognizance as constituting the primitive
element of matterG What must ideally or
In thought precede every motion of physical
forcer
Judge Hoar = Not prepared. loud
laughter and applause.
Mr.. Choate-Then, sir, would like to
ask DR.. Samuel Green, that Youthful and
ubiquitous member Of the board, 20 answer
a plain question in harmony which is
now required.
i"'Resolye the dominant seventh chord of
q into other seven chords, and give an ex-
ample Of progression Of three of the second
airy chords of the seventh into other chords
than those of the regular progression
why, sir, might go on, exhausting not
these questions, but the honorable board OF
oserseers llaughterl till could demonstrate
to you that not one Of these gentlemen is,
- ~ 40 Aouhu ~ present. sltttng 1T the table,
htted to enter into, much less to escape out
OF these difficulties. Renewed laughter.
Mr.. President, I am very glad YOU wrote
down the toast l was to speak on. You
wrote me was to speak ON the graduates,
% Partsoas "a .SdeituHl, and IL / rightly re-
member the little that used to be taught us
by DIR. Peck and Prof. Lane, that means a
region where infdelity PREVAILS
II would have you know, sir, that came
from the virtuOus and orthodox city of New
York. You may well study the example
and virtues Of the people-even the alumni
OF Harvard. We are not so benighted there
as you in your note seem to suppose. Why,
sir, We have a Harvard club organized after
the fashion Of this association of the alumni,
and 50 far as can see il Is perfect minia-
tnre. Meeting periodically, we resolve our
selves into a mutual admiration society, and
sing the praises of our alma mater. We