Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1875-04-22
Darwinian Theory-The Monkeys
Protest.

Darwin's theory concerning the
descent of man is creating tremen-
dous sensation among the monkeys.
They have just heard of 1t, and are
terribly exercised. They repudiate
the whole theory. That man des-
cended from them they consider
slur on the entire monkey race.
A cage of ohm Robinson's monkeys
neld an indignation meeting over the
matter the other day. after the per-
formance. A venerable chimpapzee,
whose gray hairs entitled him to the
distinction, was made chairman, and,
sitting in swing, presided with the
utmost gravity. He got little ex-
cited in his speech as be took the
chair, but this was pardonable under
the circumstances. What" ex-
claimed this venerable baboon. "Man
descended from US repudiate the
idea with scorn. True, we have our
faults. We are accused of cutting up
monkey-shines sometimes, and not
without cause but this attempt to
make US father the human race ia
altogether too much. Is it not
enough that poverty requires as to
travel around the country in this
manner to make living to exhibit
ourselves to gapiog men, women and
children. at 30 much a head (whep
two-thirds of them haven't any head
to speak of, without having it flung
in our faces that we originated the
pack of fools styled men,"
His remarks were received with
every expression of delight possible
to the monkey. Some stood on their
pyramidial heads, others hung by
their tails, while others threw flip
flaps from one end of the cage to the
other.
A monkey who had travelled much
and seen a great deal, and who bad
probably used the cats paw TO pull
more chestnuts out of the fire than
any other monkey of his age, next
addressed his fellow monkeys.
Said he "This Darwin has inflict-
ed disgrace upon US that no monkey
of any self-respect will hesitate to
resent. | fling his base insinuations
back into his teeth IA wild chatter
of applause. If man was indeed
descended from US, what fall was
there, my countrymen | prolonged
howls of derision. If | had this
base slanderer of our race-this OAR
win, who Dar',oin fame By traducing
us-I would r-r-r-r-rend him to pieces
with these pentadacty lous hands,
and whip him to death with this pre-
hensile tail !" Immense cheering.
The chairman interrupted the
speaker to remind him that no puns
you'd be allowed Nobody but men
perpetrated puns, and pun was
altogether beneath the dignity OF any
monkey who had the least respect
for himself. The speaker promised
to be more guarded in the future,
and proceeded with his remarks.
''Look at the folIies men perpetrate
every day. Did you ever know a
monkey to buy ticket to mem
agerie and go staring around and
making remarks about better people
than himself? Did "a monkey ever
get drunk, or talk about his neigh
bors, or wear a plug nat (unless it
was fastened on his head by detes-
table ring-master) or sue for a
divorce, or lace, or cdr bis whls-
kers, or go into bankruptcy. or cheat
the printer, or get elected Council
man, or run bar account, or eat
hash, or--or run for Congress ?
NeverI" [Screams aud schreeches
of assent.
MAN descended from the monkey,
indeed Ii he we're descended from
man, it would b. sufficiently disgrace>
full | get ashamed when | think
there is possibil " of connecting
link. Look at them in their political
conventions In our most idiOtic
moments did we ever yell and howl
as they do?
Iook at them 10 Congress. A
whols meHagerie on drunk couldn't
behave worse And where did they
get il? They didn't get it from US.
that is sure thing. The key to
their cussed nonsense is not the mon
key. An admonishiDg shake of the
head from the President. Mr.. OAR
win must seek for his ancestery else
where, and let the monkey alone.
He might. perhaps, trace it to the
beasts of the field or the birds OF the
cir, or what is more likely, the jack
ass II
Tremendous applause followed his
speech After some further remarks
on the part of distinguished mons eys
of like tenor, the meeting passed q
series of resolutions utterly repudiat-
ing the Darwinian theory, and adj
iourned. Cincinnati Times.