Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1875-07-16
HUMOR.

When the feast was over, one of the men,
bers called in the hostess. "Angelique,"
he said, 81 am going to give you lesson
in astronomy. Have you not he ard OF the
great Platonic year, when every thing
must return to its former condition?
Know, then, that i'll sixteen Thousand
years we shall be here again on the same
day and at the same hour. Will you give
us credit till them" The hostess, how
ever, had her reply. ST am perfectly will
ling" she retorted; s'but it is Just sixteen
thousand years since you were here before,
and you left without paying; settle the ID
score, and will trust you on the new"
! The Universalists of Troy are building
a fine church. A passing traveller recent
ly inquired Of bod carrier whit kind of
a building it was. The man didn't an
swer. lis it u church or hall, or what?"
Faith | think it's church." "What
kind of a church," .sOan't tell the name,
sir, but it's for them folks as is trying to
knock the bottom out of hell"
"My dear husband, said devoted wife,
s.why will you not leave off smokingp 1t
is such an odinus practice, and makes yonl
breath smell so!' EYES," replied the hus
band. '.but only consider the time have
devoted and the money 1 have spent to
learn to smoke. If should leave off now,
ALL that time and money would have been
wasted, don't you seer"
A few days since a farmer was telling in
our hearing that he had planted an acre
and half of potatoes. and he feared theys
would be destroyed by the potato bugs.
care the plants up YETI" asked by
stander. NO." replied the farmer, "but
the darned bugs are sitting on every hill
waiting for them"
A red-haired lady, who was ambitious
Of literary distinction, found but poor
sale for her book. A gentleman, in speak
ing of her disappointment, said: ''Her
hair is red, if her book is not" An audi
tor. in attempting to relate the joke else
where, said; "She has red hair, if her
book isn't.
gentleman, meeting Wall sire t
friend. said 'sI've just mortgaged my
house. and have several thousand dollars
TO spare. Can't you tell me something
neat and safe to 60 into "Yes," replied
the broker. 81 can put you to sure thing
buy that mortgage on your house.
An exchange says: A person in Indiana
who was caught in the act of illicitly dis
tilling run of twenty gallons of ''crooked"
whiskey, very promptly explained that he
was only making little forfh sick wife!
A run of 20 gallons fer his poor, sick wife!
She couldn't have been sick much.
A Chicago man thinks that the Indians
ought to be exterminated, because after
all William Penn's kindness to them.
isthey went and made him stand up . e
dav. and shoot an apple off his little boy s
head with an arrow.
There's nothing 50 wonderful abo.
malleable glass that can be hammered. :,
friend of mine has a glass still unbi
ken. though he has kept punch-n-it at
teryals for several years.
A western editor insists that he wrote
the word 'trousseau''as plain as pikestaff
in connection with certain bridal presents.
The printer, however, vulgarly put it
trousers"
He held the shirt up by the neck before
discarding it forever, but he WASH It mourn
ing for the garment. He only said, 81
wish had all the drinks again that have
gone through that old neck-band.''
81 am son of Mars" proud exclaim-
ed young West Point Cadet at an even
ing party. '.Does your mar know you're
out?n asked young lady to whom he had
lust been introduced.
A man, charged with ten gallons of mo-
lasses in an eight-gall key, said he did
not care for the money, only 1t was such a
strain OH the key.
Tt is said that slime softens all things"
except the young man who parts his hair
in the middle. Nothing can make him
any softer than he is.
It is astonishing. says the New Orleans
ssBulletin, !" to see how littls there is of
some ladies in these days Of contracted
skirts.
Speaking of railroads a wag remarked
that they they are now built of three
gauges, Viz: Broad gauge, narrow gauge,
and mortgage.
Propositions of marriages in Nevada are |
written on postal cards. and the answer
comes by return mail: "COme on with |
your preacher!"
An Iowa court has decided that it is not |
legal for farmer to hitch his wife up with |
a mule, no matter how anxious he wants |
to plow.
Why is a church bell more affable than
church organ ? Because one will 90 |
when it is tolled, but the other will be
''blowed'' first.
A Pennsylvania ladies' man says he is
never satisfied that his lady friends under
stand a kiss, unless he has it from their
own mouths.
Many pretty girl of humble extraction
has risen far above her station in life.
Why, even Venus herself came of the very
scum oSfhe ocean.
81 10 through my work. as the needle
said to the idle boy. ''But not nntil you
are pushed hard" as the idle boy said to
the needle.
Strauss composed his first waltz, when
only seven years of age. his father boxing
his ears for fooling away his time.
Why cannot a temperance man kiss a
Jewess? He has sworn not to taste jew
lips. i
s