The New Orleans bulletin. [volume] (New Orleans [La.]) 1874-1876, 1875-04-16
A COFFIN DEALER WHO WANTED A
NOTICE.
detroit Free Press.1

"Ive taken your paper tor twenty-six years,
he commenced, as he reached the head of the
stairs, ''and now want a puff.
He was very tall, slender man, had face
which hadn't smiled since 1912, and his neck
was embraced by a white cravat and his hands
were thrust into black gloves.
'Ive got a new hearse, q new stock Of cof-
fins, and want local notice, he continued,
as he sat down and sighed, as if ready to screw
coffin lid down.
"My dear SIR replied the man in the cor
ner, "Ive met you at great many funerals,
and your genteel bearing has created favor
able impression. You sigh with the sighers,
grieve with the grievers, and on extra occa-
sions you can shed tears of sorrow. even
though you can't get ten per cent of your bill
under six months.
eyes, sighed the undertaken, instinctively
measuring the length of the table with his
eye, and wondering to himself why editors
tables weren't covered with Grape, with rows
Of coffin nails around the edges.
'Death is very solemn" continued the man
in the corner; 'but still it is an occasion when
one can appreciate q neat thing. I've seen
you rub your knuckles against door posts and
never change countenance; I've seen you listen
to eulogies on men who owed you for twenty
years before their death, and you looked even
more solemn than the bereaved widow; I've
seen you back your hearse up to door in
such an easy, quiet way, that it robbed death
Of halt its terrors. All this have seen and
appreciated, but couldn't write a puff for
you"
"Why not p he demanded.
"For many reasons. Now you have new
hearse. Could l go on and say: M Sack
cloth, the genial undertaken, has Just re-
ceived a fine new hearse, and we hope that
our citizens will endeavor to bestow upon it
the patronage such enterprise deserves. 1t
rides easy, is handsomely finished, and those
who try it once, will want no other. Could I
say that
"No, not very WE'LL"
"Of course 1 couldn't. You can call gro
Ger or dry goods man a genial friend and
its all right, but you aren't genial-you can't
be. It's your business to be solemn. If you
could be even more solemn than you are it
would be money in your pocket"
That's Sc" he said, signing heavily.
If it was an omnibus, or coal cart, or q
wheelbarrow, could go on and write chap
ter on every separate spoke, but it isn't, you
see."
He leaned back and sighed again.
"And as to your cofius they are doubtless
nice collins, and your prices are probably
reasonable, but could 1 go on and say: Mr..
Sackcloth, the undertaken, has just received
his new styles in spring cofins all Sizes and
is now prepared to see as many of his old Gus
toners as want something handsome and
durable at moderate price Gould say
that?'
Another sigh.
II couldn't say that you were holding
clearing out sale, in order to get ready for the
spring trade, or that, for the sake of incre as
ing your patronage, you ha decided to pre-
sent each customer with chrome? l could.
MT say thatyou were repairing and repainting,
and had the most attractive cofin-shop in De-
troit. It wouldn't do to hope that people
would patronize you, or say that all orders
sent in by mail would be promptly filed, and
that yonr motto was Quick sales and small
profits y
He put on the look of tombstone, and
made no reply.
"You see, if you had stoves to sell, or
dealt in mackerel, or sold fishing tackle,
everything would be lovely. You are an uu-
dertaker-s solemn, seda,e, mournful. You
revel in Grape, and you never pass black
walnut door without thinking how much
good cot.ia lumber was reckiessly wasted.
The tolIng oe'l Is music to you, and the city
halt flag at half-mast is tat ON your ribs
We'd like to oblige you, but you see how
i, is"
Yes, see," he said, and he formed in
procession and moved down stairs, looking
around now and then to see if the hearse was
inst thirty-four feet behind the officiating
clergyman's carriage.
Now spell parallelopipedon with. YOUR eve