The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1875-10-07

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straightway went about to borrow enough
money to purchase a few gymnastic poles,
a few dumb-bells and some Indian clubs.
When Mrs. r. came across my inten-
tions she solemnly vowed that [ should
purchase nothing of the sort, and then
went out into the back yard, fshed out
an old axe, so dull that it couldn't cut air
without flying off the handle, and then
she pointed to pile of wood that looked
like Fort Moultrie when it was made of
logs, and told me there was exercise that
nos exercise. Not being In the habit of
opposing my wife even in her most trif-
ling wishes, / hung my chinkapin dressing
gown on the gate and rolled up my
sleeves for, 8 dreadful trlssel. The first
swing I made, the old axe hoped off the
handle into the dining room,
Cutting agash ,t.t... .-.
In plate of hash,
And breaking the crockery
All to smash. q
Having recaptured the clipping axe, I
endeayored to af6x it to the handle more
securely, by splitting the end of the
handle wherein to drive a wedge. In
holding the split place open for the in
sertion of the wedge, my forefnger
slipped unawares into the triangular gap,
and / was executing highly interesting
Jig when my oldest boy rushed around
the house with your postal card. At
that time I was not in the humor for
postal cards. My boy seeing my dilem-
ma. laid the document down and rushed to
INV rescue. With both hands he pulled the
forks wide enough to extricate my finger,
but they Immediately closed down on his
fingers, and he danced several jigs to his
own music. I pulled the forks apart,
loosened his fingers, but the cussed thing
closed down on my fingers. Having been
caught once my boy didn't rush to my
assistance. I rather think he enjoyed it.
I pleaded with him, requested and COM
manded him to free me, but he couldn't
see it. I began to get mad: Every time
I swore the forks closed little tighter.
I sent for the cook. She pulled the forks
apart and get me free, but she was caught.
Having been twice in its close embrace,
I concluded she could get freed as bestas
she might. She reared and pitched con-
siderably, but that old axe handle hung
to her. Mrs. Ridges came around the
house about this time, knitting on q new
lamp mat she intends to send to the
heather, to see how many cords Of wood
I'd cut in my morning exercise: A har-
rowing scene met her gaze. There was
Charles Waxelbaum that's my boy)
seated on the woodpile grinning like a
newly-vaccinated chimpsnzee. Maria,
the cook, was prancing around the yard
singing, "Glory" and 'Tom Walker"
with both hands stuck fast in the axe
handle, and was calmly seated on the
saw-buck reading your card.
Ny wife was never very beautiful; !;
even in her palmiest days there was
sort of yinegar-factory look about her
face that made it look like it was struck
by lightning. But on this occasion her
ugliness was simply terrific. Her nose
went up an inch or so higher, her eyes
opened wide enough to see clear over to
Europe, and her mouth shut down so sud-
den and tight that it sent four two-dol-
lar-and-a-halft teeth down her throat in as
stonishment. She took one square glance
at me, and then rushed for Maria. In q
about two seconds Maria was on her way
to finish cooking breakfast, but Mrs. r.
was hugging that axe handle as fondly
but more vehemently than there was any
absolute necessity for.
Phosphorus (Bosphorus is my first
story name) "Come here this instant"
"Ma'm," said /, calmly as if nothing
had occurred to mar the peaceful sweet
ness of the morning.
"C.o-m-e here p she shrieked, and I
went. Whenever she talks this way go
to her, even if hayesto cross oceans OF
blood and South America volcanoes with
molten lava flowing down their sides,
and women and children and insurance
agents fleeing to the woods for protection.
It's winning way she has of drawing
me to her. j..
went to her, of course, and hddled
around that old handle, but wasn't 60
ing to get my fingers in there again.
"Why don't you get my hand out, you
old fool?
"Well, my dear, if you will only wait
minute I'll-"
"Wait, the mischief! Just look at my
fngers-just see how-o-o-ch! J"
And when she saw wee bit OF that
proud old Higginbothan blood shoot out
of one of her fingers, she sat right down
in a plate of soft dough put there for the
chickens and tainted. The first thing 1
saw that looked like water was q pot of
lye under the ash-hopper, and I doused
that in her face
Geewhilikins! I'll take ten thousand
oaths, I'll take forty obligations, I'll take
twenty solemn avowals, I'll take--any-
thing-that did'n know it was lyc in
that pot. Anyhow, I threw it over her
and opened the forks with a stick OF
wood. The fingers on her left hand
looked like they had been sat down on
by locomotive. All the skin peeled
off her face, one eye was put out forever
and eternally, but her tongue-oh, you
wanted to know what I thought of the
Keeley Motor!
came deuced nigh forgetting all about
that. You see forty years ago people
would have laughed if you had shown
them sewing machine. Now, my dear
sir, they are in use all over the land,
The Hottentot, the Feejee Islander, the
Chinee, and the South Carolinian find it
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