Buchanan County bulletin. [volume] (Independence, Iowa) 1869-1891, 1875-12-31
MARK TWAIN.


MARK TWAIN.
The Prince Of Merry Andrews at Nj
agara Falls.
Niagara Falls is the finest structure
in the world. l have been visiting
this favorite watering place recently
for the first time and was we'll pleas
ed.
A gentleman who was with me
said it was customary to be disap'
pointed in the falls, but that subse.
qucnt visits were sure to set that all
right. He said it was so with him
He said that the first time he went
the hack fares were SO much higher
than the falls that the falls appear ed
insignificant. But that is all regular
now.
The hackmen have been tanned
numbered, and placarded, and black
guarded into subjection to the law
and dosed with moral principle till
they are as meek as missionaries.
They are divided into two clans
now, the Regulars and the Privateers,
and employ their idle time in warn
ing people against each other. The
Regulars are under the hotel banners
and the Privateers prowl darkly on
neutral ground and pick off strag'
glers at half price.
But there are no more outrages and
extortions. That sort of thing cured
itself. 1t made the falls unpopular
by getting into the newspapers, and
whenever public evil achieves that
sort of success for itself it's days are
numbered.
1t became apparent that either the
falls had to be discontinued or the
hackmen had to subside. They could
not dam the fall, so they did the
hackmen. One can be comfortable
and happy there now.
l drank up most of the American
Falls before | learned that the waters
were not considered medicinal. Why
are people left in ignorance tn S way:
l might have gone on and ruined a
fine property, merely for the want OF
a little information.
And yet the sources of information
are not meagcr AZ Niagara Falls
You are something III doubt wha,
you ought to do, but you are seldom
in doubt concerning what You must
do. If an infant can read, that in
FAINT is measurably safe in Niagara.
1t you room at the hotel, you will
find your course marked out in the
most convenient way, by means OF
placards Oh the wall, like these:
'..Pull the bell gently, but don''
jerk"
"Bolt your door,"
"Don't scratch matches on the
walls or furniture"
"Turn off your gas when you re
tire"
"Tie up your dog"
at you put your boots outside the
door they will be blacked, but the
house will not be responsible for theil
return"
This is confusing and tanglesome
proposition, because it moves you tc
deliberate long and painfully as tc
whether it will really be any object
to you to have your boots bIacked
unless they are returned.
"Give your key to the omnibus
driver if you forget and carry it of
with YOU"
Outside the hotel, wherever yo.
wander, you are intelligently assisted
by signs. You cannot come to grie1
as long as you are in your right mine
with so many instructions to keeE
track of. For instance:
"Keep off the grass"
"Don't climb the trees"
Glands off the vegetables"
"Don't hitch your horse in thu
shrubbery."
"Visit the Cave of the Winds"
"Have your portrait taken in YOU
carriage"
"Forty per cent in gold levied OF
all peanuts all other Indian curiosi
ties purchased in Canida."
photographs of the falls taker
here"
Visitors will please notify th'
superintendent of any neglect on tn,
part OF employees to charge for com
modities." (No inattention of thi'
kind is observed.)
"Don't throw stones down; there
may be people below" "The pro
prietors will not be responsible TO
parties who jump over the falls. -
More shirking of responsibility
appears to be the prevailing failing
here
always had high regard for thu
signers of the Declaration of 1nde
pendence, but now they do not reall,
seem to amount to much along will
the signers of Niagara Falls.
To tell the truth, the multitude o
slgners annoy me. 1t was because
l noticed at last they were prohibit
ing the very thing was just wanting
to do.
81 desired to roll on the grass; thu
sign prohibited it. Ilonged to smoke
a sign prohibited it. And l was JUS
in the act of throwing a stone ove1
to pulverize such parties as might b'
picnicking below, when a sign l have
just. mentioned forbade that. Ever
that satisfaction was denied me, and
was friendless orphan.
There was no resource now but te
seek consolation from the flowing
bowl. / drew my flask from my
pocket, but il was all in vain. A
sign confronted me, which said: :.
WNn drinkinr allowed On fhaaf