The Cambria freeman. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1867-1938, 1875-02-12
SOME FUN.


SOME FUN.
iuCCKERs woULDN T TAKE THE COFFIN.
Over in Wilmington, other day, man
named William d. Shuckars died 1t
that there was another man in the city
Learing precisely the same nar,e. and when
the death was announced, & good many of
his friends thought he WAS dead, and they
resolved to go to the funeral On the day
of the funeral the living Shuckers also
thought he would go, partly for the purpose
Of ascertaining how IL felt to participate in
the obse9uies of man named VIM d.
Shuckers. He took up a position in the
vestibule, and just as the mourners were
about to come out, friend of his, named
Jones, saw him. The first impulse of Jones
was to rush through the kitchen, and climb
suddenly over the back fence but he con-
trol!ed himself, and after poking Shuckers
in the ribs with his umbrella to de-
termine positively that he was not a ghost,
he remarked:
why, Shuckers, what ON earth are
you doing here? Why aint you IN your
coffin ?''
"CofinT' exclaimed Shucle-s.; what d
you mean? Whit do L want with a
coffin %
'ldr. Shuckers, Jor1 E-low Jou arc dead.
Why, they got up all this sor geous funeral
for you, al these carriages and pall-5eareIs
and things, and the clergyman's Just been
paying you splendid compliments that
any dead man mi ssht be proud Of
But L tell. you I'm not dead. I'm as
much alive as you are
"There is no use of arguing the point,
Shuckers; the occasion is too solemn for
controversy. But if you have any consid-
GRAFTON for the feelings of your bereaved
family, who are weeping like mad M stairs,
and for the undertaken, who is waiting in
side there with the screw-driver, you will
go and get into your coffin and behave.
It's indecent to carry on SO at your own
funeral
Jones' my boy" said Shuckers. "you
have mistaken-
''No, I'm not mistaken You're dead-
technically dead-anyhow. 1t has been
announced in all the papers, your relations
have gone into mourning, the Board of
Trade has passed resolutions of regret, the
sepulchre has been dug, up there in the
cemetery, and the undertaken has gone to
considerable expense to inter You COM
fort2bly. Now, so and lie down, won't
you 20
''H4ng the undertaken p said Shuckers
''No, III not go and lie down. I'll see YOU
in Kansas first
''Now, see here, Shuckc-s, 1 came here 20
attend your funeral, AMI I'm not going to
be baffied by any unseemly conduct on
the part of the corpse. oh you needn't
look at me. Either you get back into that
colin, SOS the Id can be screwed ON. and
the procession can move off. or I'll put you
in there by force. II inaniInate remains
Ike you can go scooting round in this in
cendiary manner, wen soon have the ce,ne-
teries unloading, and the unnum bered dead
crowding out ard wanting to vote
Then Jones called the undertaker, who
knocked Shuckers down W IL a cane, and
held nm until lie exll tined AMI until the
scared undertaken recovere / his 4u bni1nity,
whicn left him at the blre Suggestion that
the corpse was loose. Tlen t.le funeral
nuged on to the cemetery, and Jones went
home, while Shuckers proeeelei to an
aiIermans Office to sve1r out warrant
against the undert ker for ass lult and b 1t
terry. He intends to Chunge h.s name to
Duykinck.
IT WAS ONLY LITTLE FUN.
happened to be in the Argus Office the
other day, talking with Colonel Bangs, the
editor, when a rad-whiskerod man entered
and saluted the colonel by throwing a chair
at him. Then he seized Is ings by the hair,
bumped his head against the table three or
four times, and then kicked him on the shins.
When this exhilerating exercise was over,
the visitor shook his fist very close to the
colonel's nose, and said.
''Yop Indtton-heaiel outcast, if You don't
put that notice in tomorrow III come
round yer and smash you up! Doyou hear
me p
Then he cufIeI 3 an IS ears couple Of
times, kicked him some more, emptied the
inkstand over his head, poured the sand
from the sand-bcx in the same place, Knocked
over the table and went out During all
this time the colonel sat still with a sickly
kind of q smile on his face, and never ut
tered word. When the man 1efs, Bangs
picked up the table, wiped the ink
and slnd from AS face. and tuning to me