The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1875-04-01
WHOLE NO. 1853.
Miscellaneous.

Common pleas-please smut the door,
The scale of good-breeding-B natural.
poor relation-telling an anecdote
badly.
Carpets are bought by the yard, and
worn by the foot.
Wasting sweetness-putting your arm
about pretty woman.
As you can not avoid your own compa-
, ny make it as good as possible.
Instead of saying look up" the Texan
, exclaims: "See hyar, old fellow !"
Mrs. Gubbins says her husband is like
tallow candle: he always will smoke
when he goes out.
Two things in this world that should
not be trifed with-a woman's opinion,
and the'business end of wasp.
MAY Heaven bless and keep you from
your own true love, Benjamin Herrick,"
was the way the letter ended.
grocer when complained to about
selling bad eggs, said: "At this season
the hens amt well and very often lay
bad eggs"
veteran shopkeeper says that al
though his clerks are very talkative dur
ing the day, they are always ready to
shut up at night
Josh Billings says: There amt any
thing that will completely cure laziness,
though second wife has been known to
hurry it some"
A Rhode Island woman says that she'd
rather have the nightmare seven straight
nights than tell her husband that the
flour barrel is empty.
/
Miss Eastman, in her woman suffrage
argument up at the State House, used
| the simile: Eyes as bright as buttons
on angels coats" She's getting brassy.
Give your son good education and
settled purpose in life, and when he is a
man he will not be content to sit back of
grocery stove and crack his fngerjoints.
The New Haven Register relates that
an actor at one of the theatres was called
out three times in one evening, not long
ago-twice by the sheriff and once by
tailor.
An Annapolis man rode clear to Sa-
vannah to lick fellow who called him
liar, and the undertaken said he never
saw a dead man look so much like
quarter of beef
When the postmaster of Vicksburg
was on his dying bed the other day,
twenty-eight men hurried past the house
with petitions praying that they might
be postmaster.
The saddest thing in life is the specta-
Gle afforded by young person who has
burnt all her hair off her forehead with
hot slate pencil and cannot afford to
buy row of curls.
A musician, noticing that his friends
wearied at his performance, remarked
"You are aware that this is very diff
cult passage" II wish it was impossi-
BILE, replied one.
Toledo papers announce that there is
plenty of work in that city. but carefully
conceal the fact that said work is sitting
on a bench in front of coal stove and
wishing it were spring.
The Detroit Free Press asks, if Mr..
Bergh can send man to Jail for three
months for killing a mad cat, we'd like
to know what he can do to a boy who
feeds marbles to parrot?
little American lad who had just
commenced reading the newspapers
asked his father if the word Hon" pre-
fixed to the name of a member of Con-
gress meant "honest."
Said pompous husband, whose wife
had stole up behind and given him a
kiss: Madam, consider such an act
indecorous.' Excuse me-" said the
wife, 81 did Mt know it was you"
Deacon Ladue, of Wisconsin, went to
the barn the other day and hung himself
with a log chain because his wife play
fully kicked his hat off and exclaimed: =
That's the kind of a clothes-pin l aml'
A. T. Stewart once paid $4,000 for
painting forty feet long and ever since
that he makes it practice every night
and morning of saying to himself:
Stewart, you are the biggest jackass in
America
The ghost of Noah Webster came to
spiritual medium in Alabama, not long
since, ard wrote on a slip of paper: at
is tite times" Noah was right, but we
are sorry to see he has gone back on his
dictionary.
A little girl asked minister: do
you think my father will go to heavenP
why, yes, my child. Why do you ask p
We'll, because if he don't have his own
way there, he won't stay long, was
thinking"
A Georgia paper knows man who
went all the way from Cassville to
Atlanta. On his return he looked sol
emn with the weight of garnered wisdom,
and said; If the world is as big tother.
way as it is that, it's a whopperr'
"Why, Ichabod, 1 thought you got
married more'n year ago" well,
Aunt Jerush, it was talked of, but
found out that the girl and all her folks
were opposed to it, and so just gave 'em
all the mitten and let the thing drop"
Machinery has reached great state of
perfection. An exchange remarks: 1--WE
recently saw some burnt peas put into the
hopper of cotfeemill, and in less than
two minutes they were occupying place
in grocery window, labeled Fine Old
Mocha.
"Go away Leave me with my deadl
Let me fling myself on his coffin and die
therer That was in Nebraska six
months ago, and now the widow has won
another trusting soul, and number ones :.
portrait is in the attic face to the wall
1t is simply absurd to talk about a
woman being qualified to fill every posi-
ton IN life that man fills. For in
stance, what woman could lounge around
the stove in country grocery and lie
about the number of fishes she caught
last summer.
man at the Central depot was look
ing around for some one to split some
wood, and meeting a forlorn looking boy
he asked him: "Bub, wouldn't your
father like a jobY' mo, he's got one
now" answered the boy; ''just been sent