The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1875-09-03
The Fisure Factory.


We pity the editor of the argus His
task-masters demand full tale of political
bricks every day, but like the Egyptian task
masters they furnish no straw with which to
temper the political mud. Consequently our
neighbor turns out bricks of an Indifferent
sort. The wonder is that he can do any
thing. Mud alone is not very available
material. Age and skill will, however, tell in the
manipulation of the most nnpromising mate
rial. The shameless task-masters of the Ar-
gus have given it a few materials with which
to work, but as it has for years denounced
such materials as tie constitutional amend
ments and equal rights for all men, it cannot
now bandly adapt itself to them. These
same leaders have instructed the argus to
cry aloud for specie resumption and hard
money, but the argus remembers that it cried
for initiation in 1868 in order to pay the ma
tional debt with greenbacks. 1t also foresees
the "rag money baby" which Uncle Allen of
Ohio is nursing so persistently. will be adopt
ed as the child af the national Democratic
party, in the event of Democratic success
in Ohio. Consequently, it can't make up its
mouth to shout very loud for hard money,
for even the argus isn't so lost to feeling
that it delights to be convicted by the argus.
In this dilemma, what does the argus edi-
tor do? One would think that he would Just
lie down and give up. The wicked say that
he does lie but not down. Not so; he has set
up figure factory. "Figures won't lie.'
Two and two make four when added. Ten
figures in newspaper line, by tie accepted
system Of notation, make billion. There is
no mistake about this. 81 can figure through
this campaign" says the distracted editor as
his brow begins to clear at the happy thought.
''My head shall become an ant-hill of creep
ing, squirming, writhing figures, and from
every book in my sanctum which contains
figures which amount to millions, billions and
trillions, l will use to confound the enemy.
l will show his wckedness and waste in bold
black figures which shall make his heart
quake with fear" He turns to his subordi-
mates and in decided words gives them in
structions: "We shall only use such figures
as will serve to enforce the point we desire to
impress which is that the Republicans are
dreadful corrupt"
An unwonted fire lights up the eye of the
veteran editor. With firm step he mounts
the stairs to the sanctum. There The attend
ants stand about to do his bidding Snatch
ing book from the case, he seats himself in
his chair. The figure inspiration is upon
him. "Bring me paper; bring me ink; bring
me pens," he shouts. He dips his pen into
the ink and opens the book of figures, and
writes: "The expenditures of the present
corrupt, swindling, inefficient, rlundering
and thieving administration during the past
year was" Here the editor consults the
table of figures before him and Immediately
the book is hurled acrocs the sanctum.
''What book is that, and who dared bring
book here having but seven figures in line
that's what want 10 know" shouted the
the irate edItor-in-chief "This book tim
idly remarked the boy as he picked it up, .'is
a geometry and the table you found was ia
BILE of logarithms." 'Burn itp' shouted the
raging editor, mo book of figures should be
published in these times in which every sum
does not reach billions" He picked up
a"oohOi3 tooh q lOou ouect vi paper ana De-
gan: "The expenditures of The present i'm
beetle, corrupt, swindlng, plundering and
thieving administration the past year was
S125, ,796, ,452, ,091." He passed it to his as
sistant, who observed that the figures the
chief was using was taken from that part of |
the Seventh census" giving the growth of |
manufactures in the United States during the |
decade of the Democratic rebellion. Now the |
chief was mad. He had been angry before. |
'Young man." said he in words so whitening |
that even the statue of G.. Washington |
would have been melted, ''young man.
your --impertinence; didn't tell you that |
only purpose to use such figures as enforce |
mypoint." He sent for the foreman: ''Put |
those figures in type foot long and as wide |
as you can get it into the paper; this Grant |
administration has got to be figured out. 1t
is my only resource" The foreman meekly
suggested that the type of the argus had not
been expressly selected for posters. He would
use the largest and blackest in the office.
And so the work GOES on at the Figure
Factory. 1t will cease Sept. 49, Very l;ttle
d splay type win be required the morning of |
The 14th of September to set forth Democratic
triumphs.