The Toledo chronicle. [volume] (Toledo, Tama County, Iowa) 1873-1924, 1875-11-25
That Detroit Police Court.
An AGRICULTURAL ADDRESS

AN AGRICULTURAL ADDRESS.
As THE name OF John Crossgun was an
uounced, a portly, bald-headed vag1ant
slid out and fastened his eyes on the
Court.
"Is this Mr.. C~rossgunT"
at air."
"Mr. Crossguu, you are registered on
| the blotter as a farmer"
- know it."
"Well, sir, it is my duty TO deliver a
| short agricultural address and your duty
to listen. will not treat Of agriculture
in general, but only of the subject of
tanspIanting. For the purpose of more
fully illustrating my remarks let me
compare you to a plum tree. You are
now growing on hard, stubborn soil, and
YOU yield only thorns and leaves, j
transplant you to the House of Correction
and you at once begin TO thrive and bear
fruit"
10 pshaw" replied Mr.. CroSSgun.
" What do you want to put afellow in there
for:"
1t is one of the finest institutions i'll
the West, and after you have been there
one week a yoke of oxen couldn't draw
YOU out. Take the blue Saw-horse, Mr..
Crossgun, and try and be real good for the
next half hour
SOME EXPLANATIONS.
This is John Blonner, is it?' asked
His Honor oil the next.
1T is not somebody else" replied
John.
And you troke a window and dis
turbed the peacc:"
"Not Ply no means l didn't. l am shust
so innocent as all desc policemen arOundt
here.n
We'll, let me hear your explanation"
Il shall oxblain all about it, your
Honor. 1 vhas shtanding by dot window,
shust as de officer swears, waiting for de
gar. A man game along and said 'Ho!
no! hon and put his fingers on his nose,
like So"
"IIIen you struck him."
"N0. sir. Then / never salt one word
! or two words. but got on de gar and game
away"
Mr.. Bonner, you wouldn't lie to me,
would yoU?"
Gould 1 sPhoke a lie to you - asked
the prisoner, placing his hand over his
heart.
"1f you broke hat window you would
say so, wouldn't your"
"HIproke dat window [ should shpeak
of it so quick as would swim your head!'
We'll, perhaps you would, and l shall
only fine you ten dollars"
"Nhatrn
"You broke that window, and here are
proofs enough to convict you ten times
over. You have been standing up there
and lying to me, and thus do l reward
you"
"Vhell, by Shorge!"
$50 say We all. Go in and sit down or
else fork over"
He forked.
FEEBLE MRS. JOHNSON.
"HsSe you any camphor?" she plant
lively inquired, as she stood before the
desk.
She wasn't a feeble-lOOking woman.
| No woman can look feeble until her
weight has been reduced to less than a
hundred and sixty pounds
"No, madam, we haven't" replied His
! Honor; ave are just out of camphor."
My brain whirls So" she sighed,
" and | feel so trembly and weak"
Cant be a fever coming on, can its"
81 fear it is.n
Let me see your tongue, Mrs. John
SOM
She thrust out her tongue and he bent
over the desk and surveyed it.
"Hem-hem-um. Your tongue doesn't
betray your illness, madam"
But I feel faint"
"Bijah may hold you up While this
trial goes on, or you can sit down, The
charge is disturbing the peace. You
came near biting yonr neighbor's ear off,
Its al;em she squeaked, hereyes snap
ping fire.
"Now, Mrs. johnson, let mesay to you
that [ shall insist upon l1dylike conduct
on your part, and if I can't secure it III
! send you up without a trial"
Where's the ncighbor?N she de
manded.
"Thcrc is the man, and there is the
car, " he replied.
a small, red headed man rose up and
squeakcd:
"You done it-you done it-you done
itw
DO you say 1 bit your carr
You did-you did-you didm
"Oh! Mr.. judge" she exclaimed,
~wringing her hands, 81 never bit a mans
ear in my lifem
"It seems that you owed him money
and wouldn't pay" explained the Court;
and when he called again yesterday you
attacked him on the steps, pushed him
down and, in the struggle which followed,
you bit his earl"
"My head swims sou she gaspcd.
"Al of which wasn't right and you
know it," continued the Court. "The
law OF Michigan were made 10" small
men with red hair as well as for other
people, and | deem it my duty to fine you
ten dollarsI'
did | ever." she gasped.
81 guess you did"
but will you fine me ten dollars for
nothing"
q will"
She seemed about to faint, but changed
her mind, pulled out a roll of money and,
as she pitched an "X" to the clerk, she
said:
cpl see that red headed man againr'-
Detroit Free Press.