The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1875-01-01
JOSH BILLINGS.
What He Tbinks of Ho,el.

They are kept in all sorts ov ways;
some on the European plan, and many
ov them on no plan at all.
A good landlord is like good step
mother-he knows hiz Dizziness. and
means to do his duty.
He knows how to rub hiz hand with
Joy when the traveller draws nigh: he
knows how to smile; he knew your
wlfe's father when he waz living and
your wife's first husband. but he don't
speak about him.
He kan tell whether it will rain to-
morrow or not; he hears your com
plants with tear in his eye; he blows
up the servants at yure suggestion, and
stands around ready, with a shirt collar
az stiff az broken china.
A man may be good supreme court
judge, and at the same time miserable
landlord.
Most everybody thinks they can keep
hotel-andt they kan; but this ackounts
for the great number ov hotels that are
run on the same principle that JUS
tice ov the peace offs is kept in the
country during six days jury trial for
killing somebody's yellow dorg.
A hotel won't keep itself, and keep the
lanlord too, and ever kure a traveller
from the habit ov profane swearing.
have had this experiment tried on
me several times, and it alwus makes
the swares wus.
It iz too often the kase that landlords
go into the bizzness ov hash as minis
ters go into the professhun-witht the
very best ov motives, but the poorest
kind ov prospects.
don't know ov emmy cizZness more
| hattersum than the tavern bizzness
There don't seem tew be ennything tew
do but tew stand in front ov the regis
ter with pen behind tie ear, and see
| that the guests enter themselfs az soon
az they enter the house; then yank a
bell rope six or seven time; then tell
John tew sho the gentleman tew 976;
cents next morning from the poor devil
ov traveller, and let him went.
This seems tew be the whole thing
and it IL the whole thing in most cases.
You will diskover the following de-
skription q mild one ov about 9 hotels
out ov 10 between the Atlantik and
Pacifick Oshuns, akrost the United
States in straight line:
Yure room IL 13 foot 6 inches, by
foot inches, parallelogramly.
1t being court week Gas usuaD, all the
good rooms are employed by the law
yers and judges.
Yure room IL on the uppermost floor.
The carpet IL ingrain-ingrained with
the dust, kerosene lie and ink spots ov
four generashuns.
There IL two pegs in the room tew
hitch coats onto, one ov them broke
oph, and the other pulled out. and
missing.
The buro haz three legs and one
brick.
The glass tew the buro swings on two
pivots, which hav lost their grip.
There liz one towel on the rack, thin
but wet.
The rainwater in the pitcher cum out
ov the we'll.
The soap IL as tuff tew wear as whet-
stone.
The soap IL scented with cinnamon
lie, and variegated with spots.
Thare IL three chairs, kane settree,
one iz rocker, and all three are
busted.
Thare iz matchbox, empty.
Thare IL no kurtin tew the windo,
aud thare don't want to be emmy; yu
kant see out, and who kan see in
The bell-rope liz cum oph about 6
inches this side ov the ceiling.
The bed IL a modern slat-bottom, with
two mattresses, one cotton and one
husk, and both harder and about as
Yu enter the bed sideways, and kan
| feel every slat at once, as eazy az yu
Gu could the ribs ov a gridlron.
The bed IL inhabited.
| Yu sleep sum, but role over a good
deal
For breakfast yu hav gong, and rhy
koffee too kold to melt butter, fride po-
tatoze which resemble the chips tew-
inch auger makes in its journey thru an
oak log.
Bread solid; beefsteak about az thik
az blister plaster, and az tutf as a
hounds ears.
scared-to-death pickles in one ov them
other.
A pewterinktom castor with three bot
ties in it, one without emmy mustard,
and one with two inches of drowned
flies and vinnegar IN it.
Servant gall, with hoops on, hangs
round yu earnestly, and wants tew
know if you will take another cup of
koffee.
Yu say "No, nom, I thank yu," and
push back yure chair.
You havn't eat enuff to pay for pick
ing yure teeth.
| am about as self-konsaited as it will
|
open but never vet konsaited that /
could keep hotel. / had rather be a
highwayman than tew be sum landlords
4 Lave visited with.
Thare are hotels that are a JOY upon
earth; WHARF the man pays hlZ bill as
cheerfully az he did the parson who
married him; WHARF you kant find the
landlord unless yu hunt in the kitchen;
WHARF servants glide around like angels
ov mercy; WHARF the beds fit a mans
back like the feathers on a goose; and
WHARF the vittles taste just az yure wife
or yure mother had fried 'em.
| These kind ov hotels ought tew be
built on wheels and travel around the
kuntry. They are az full ov real COM
fort az thanksgiving pudding but
alass, yes, alass they are az unplenty
az double yolked eggs.
| Singular Detention Of A Railroad Train.
The Chicago Post and Mail has the