The daily Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1873-1877, 1875-09-25
AN INFLATED COCKTAIL.
Mr.. Kelley's Lesson In Finance from
O Barkeeper.
From the Ns,O York World.

gushing, sloppy tourist" is out here en-
deavoring to bring the people of the North
west to realizing sense of the necessity
for an issue Of more currency. Rather an
amusing and interesting occurrence has
transpired during his visit which has not
found its way into any of the local prints,
but that the World may deem worthy of
publication. On the morning after his
great imitation speech Mr.. Kelly felt
athirst, andiwalking down into the bar OF
the fremont house babe the attendant
barkeeper mix him q whisky cocktail.
When the barkeeper was compounding the
liquor, strip, bitters, ice, and water in
due proportion, he remarked: You're
Senator Kelley, amt your" Il am; but
don't be afraid, young man, don't be
afraid" affably replied the great states
man. II thought it was, said the artist
in liquors; II hear you make a bully
speech last night up to McCormick's Hail.
Was that all true you told US about them
bonds, and more greenbacks, and that
other shenanigan, eh2" 'True?" said the
apostle of imitation; "of course it was true.
am man Of principle, young man, q
man of strict principle" "Keerect," re-
piled the barkeeper, as he poured the COM
pleted cocktail in an amber arch into the
glass and filled tumbler Of water.
"Mr. Kelley tasted the beverage. "See
here, Johnny" he said. that cocktail
doscn't rise and take me by the throat as
it should; want it to be all to me the
name implies. Just make it stronger and
give it to me 10 o bigger glass, will you?"
The Darkeeper promptly transferred the
contents into water-tumbler and added
about twice the quantity of water.
Mr.. Kelley observed somewhat testify:
"Hello! hellol What are you doing. eh?
/ wanted bigger drink, more Of cock
tail, you know"
The barkeeper smiled apolegetically, and,
begging Mr.. Kelley's pardon, emptied the
dilute dcocktail into a weiss bier glass, which
ocean Of fluid family tinged with pinkish
amber, on the surface of which tioated a
shred of lemon-peeL. The barkeeper push
ed the glass over to his customer, and,
affably resting both hands on the counter,
asked him how that suited him.
Mr.. Kelley first rubbed his eyes, and
then pinched himself, to be sure that he
was himself and awake; then lowered his
spectacles, and inspected the barkeeper
narrowly. Young man, he said at last,
in his most solemn tones, do you call that
o cocktail?"
do call that a cocktail2" he replied,
pityingly; what n blazes do you call it?
That's the best cocktail the world ever saw.
There's whisky in it, their gum in it, there s
Angostora bitters in it,there's lemon-peel
in it, there's water in it, there's ice in it, and
don't that make it cocktail? Besides its
called q cocktail just as dollar is called
dollar, and don't that make it q cocktail
You can do anything with that cocktail tina
you could do with any other cocktail; yor
can drink it, you can pay for it; don't tina
make it as good as any other cocktail
What do you take me for? Haven't
read your speeches?"
But" gasped Mr.. Kelley, growing yer!
red in the face, there's too much water ii
it."
TOO much water!" rejoined the bar
keeper. why, you must have SO mucl
water in q cocktail, anyhow, mustn't you
You get your whisky like what you inan
cial sharps call reserve, and then yo
issue your cocktail on that basis, Yo
see, you have an elastic cocktail "a cockta
that adapts itself to the wants of the Gus
toner. If he wants strong drink b
don't want much water; if he wants
long drink Ill initiate his cocktail till il
volume equals his necessities. Itell 20
I've studied up this here financial prol
lem."
but, but, "stammered Mr. Kelley, ''thel
isn't drop more whisky all the while, an
every drop Of water you add weakens an
spoils it."
''That can't be-" rejoined the barkeepe
Its just like finance. Whisky's wealt
and cocktails currency. If you can exper
your currency without any increase
your wealth and do no harm, why can't yC
initiate this cocktail up to hogshead FL
and let all them bummers out in the sire
have n good square nip?"
"You don't understand, replied MI. ke
ley. ITS different in financial matter
There, there is the relief afforded b, n
3.65 interconvert-"
II know it, know it. briskly answert
the barkeeper; II tell you, Mr.. Kelie
your heads level. Now, here is my int
convertible cocktail" Thus saying,
poured half of the contents of the weis
beer glass into another weiss-beer glas
then continued: Now this tumbler is q
bonds, and this tumbler is the greenback
When you want long drink, you pour i
to this tumbler as much out of the 9th,
one az you want; if you want a sho
drink, you pour some out of this tumbl
into the other one. It's big thing" N
Kelley was in despair. The barkeep
continued.
"You see ] want to return to whist
basis, but wish to do so without injury
the business interests Of the country. No
if you will wait till the water evaporat
and leaves the whisky"
Here Mr.. Kelley smote the counter vii
his cane. look here" he shouted, g
spite Of your expand the volume Of th
drink, and humbugging me With wour ID
otto interconvertible cocktails, and talkiI
about returning to whisky basis witho
deranging my interests, don't you see, "
bowling ass, that that's the same wea
thin, diluted, mawkish, tasteless, abomin
BILE slush, all the time. want an immd
ate return to whisky resumption and
steps backward"
"Keerect, Judge" replied the barkee
er,as he threw the inflated cocktail into Il
sink, we II rcpudiate this, as they alwa
do. And he mixed another cocktail on
whisky basis. But" he said, ''s'po
you hadn't had another Is cents, or tn
all the whisky In the house had been
that cocktail, where'd you have been, Ell
Mr.. Kelley smiled: and invited the ba
keeper to join him. The latter compile
and took little gin, syrup and bitter
Mr.. Kelley drank off his cocktail, paid {;
the drinks, aud taking Glove was about
depart, when an after-thought seemed
occur to him, He turned back and sal
See here, johnny, you're smart you
fellow, and I've enjoyed your conversati
very much. But, then, you see the-al
the financial problem is thing that