The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1875-03-27
VARIETY.

A CLAN sHAyE.-FacetiOus Parity Hem
Waiter, take this butter to the barber-shop, Civ,
it n clean shave, and charge il on my bill.'
He stood in Charleston Square and gazed at the
lines OF lamps that mark the excavations until his
brain reeled, and he conhdentIally murmured tc
passing policeman: - Geevus, d'y think this
second-rnre tOrchlight procession will move to-
night2 You're n slow lot here anyhow"
IL il told Of the late Benjamin Tappan, Of Ohio,
that when he applied 20 the Judges Of the Supreme
Court for admission 70 the bar Of that State, he
was asked the following questions. to which he
gave the answers asfollOws: ''Mr. TaPpan, what
II laW2" Answer An unjust distribution ol
Justice '' Mr. TaPpan. what is equity?', An
swer-'' id imposition upon common sense,
No other questions were asked, and he was given
certificate OF admission.
A pleasing incident l. told to US by clergy
man who has just returned from health trip.
lie relates how baggage man on a far Western
railroad was impelled by force Of habit that he
began 10 knock and kick and jun the trunk Of an
elephant, menageTie company having the beast
on a dat ear. The force OF habit wac also strong,
and the heap OF blood and bones beside the track
demonstrated that for once in a railroad encoun-
ter the trunk had the best OF it.
Alexander Dumas Pere, when he gave dinner
party 20 commercial men, had a somewhat singu-
lar method OF deciding the time for the inferior
wine 20 DO produced. lie enjOined bis servants
20 put the best wine on the table at the beginning
Of the meal, while the guests heads were clear;
- then, " said he, - watch the conversation, and
directly Foa bear any single one Of tho company
say, . 4. who am honest man. you may be
quite sure that all their heads have gone astray,
and you can serve up any rubbish you choose "
hundred years ago, Sieur Reanlard was q
poor ParsIan mIlliner, 10 whom came n customer
desirOus Of arOusIng his dormant genius. - Sir
she said, - am an EnglishwOman and the widow
OF an admiral. Make me n bonnet expressive Of
r.s.r f~rI fE. nd
presently sent the dame bonnet which bore puffs
OF gauze Stimulating n stormy sea, quantities OF
small ornaments representing the ships thereon,
heavy knots Of ribbon the rOcks, and a diamond
star at the very top the lighthouse lantern. From
that hour Reaulard was rich man, with n pro-
digiOus tram Of customers.
VRHv NEARLY The Rev. Dr. Deems, OF New
York. said, in recent sermon: To my mind
the four sweetest things in the world are-frst,
baby girls; second. baby boys; third, ripe. good
old men; fourth, ripe, good old ladies'" That is
Very nearly our creed, but rather think we
like n healthy mOther-in-law best. And next, a
ripe, good old man. who sits quietly in the corner
and tells lies about how far he used to walk to
school through the snow when he was a boy, and
how he used TO cUme and saw up n cord Of wood
before supper, instead Of sneaking in the back
door for his skates, as boys do nowadays.
Keokuk lady, while engaged in the pursuit
of her domestic duties, encountered a mouse in q
circumstances, would have uttered few feminine
shrieks and then sought safety in the garret. But
this one possessed more than the ordinary degree
OF feminine courage. She summoned the hired |
man and told him To get the shotgun, call the /
bulldog and station himself at a convenient dis
tance. Then she climbed half way upstairs, and /
commenced to punch the hUur barrel vigorously /
with pole Presently the mOCse made its ap- /
pearanee, and started across the floor. The dog /
at once went in pursuit. The man fired, and the /
dog dropped dead The lady tainted and fell /
down stairs and the hired man, thinking she was /
killed, and fearing he would be arrested for muir
der, disappeared, and has not been seen since.
The mouse escaped
PUr SroP TO H.-An old man up in COnnec-
ticus had a poor, cranky bit Of wife, who regu-
larly once n week got up in the night. and invited
the family 20 see her die. She gave away her l
things, spoke her last words, made her peace /
with heaven, and then about eight O'Clock she \
got up in the usual way, and disappointed every /
body by going at her household duties as if moth
ing had happened. The old man got sick Of IL 4
finally and went out and got coffin, real nice \
cashmere shroud, wreath of iDlDl0TfeileS. with /
3. Farewell, Mary Ann, - worked in. and n hand
ful Of silver-plated screws. Laying the screw
driver beside the collection he invited her to boiler
die once more. "a Do ir," said he, 81 and in you
20. and this farewell business is over" Mary
Ann il at this moment baking buckwheat cakes
for e large and admiring family, while they dry
apples in the coffin up in the garrett
An editor OF a weekly paper, Published IN a
little village in Missouri, called at the White
House, and was admitted 20 Mr. Lincoln's pres
ence. He told Mr. Lincoln that he the
who first mentioned his name for the Presidency,
and pulling from bis pocket an old worn. deiaeed
COPY OF his paper. exhibited an item the sub
ject. - Do you really think, said Mr.. Lincoln,
- that announcement was the occasion OF my
- Certainly" said the editor,
a. the suggestion was 50 OPPortune that IL was at
once taken mp By other papers, and the result
was your nomination and election"
'i Ahi we'll" said Mr.. Lincoln with sigh,
and assuming a rather gloomy countenanee,
am glld to see you and know this, bat you will
have to excuse me; am just going TO the War
Department TO Mr.. StantOn." "a Well, }" said
the editor, - will walk over with you" The
President with that apt goOd-nature 50 eharacter-
Istic Of him, took up his hat and said, a. Come
along"
When they reach the door Of the Seeretary's
o6iee, Mr.. Lincoln turned TO bis companion and
said - shall have to see Mr.. Stanton alone, and
you must excuse me, and taking him by the
hand he continued, - Goodbye; 1 hope you will
feel perfectly easy about having nominated me;
don't be troubled about il; forgive you.