The anti-monopolist. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1874-1878, 1875-04-15

"A good natured but bothersome old
bore, who loafs about our Office good
deal, explained his projects the other
day, and what he proposed doing with
his sons: ssThere's Jim, now, he's idle
an lazy and worthless. l think I'll send
him to West Point an make officer out
of him. Then Ephraim, who's stupid and
good-looking, I'll metamorphose into q
preacher. John is pious, religious. well
meaning youth anil do Arst-class for
editor. But Ned, Ned's my hope, he's
cute, sharp, intelligent chap, anil make
a name for himself; I'm goin' to set him
up in saloon and cigar shop next
week y
"A Cincinnati drummer, who, with
the aid of his feet, filling two seats on
the train, a few days since, and was too
ugly to move though thelcar was crowd
ed, was completely upset when the con-
ductor quietly took out his foot rule
and after deliberately taking the measure
of his feet, announced in q loud tone:
eighteen and three-quarter inches!'
The great roar Of laughter through the
car which followed caused the fellows
feet to come down in a hurry, as he made
himself as small as possible in the one
seat he had paid for.
LAS three or four men were riding in
horse-car in a Western city, one of them
called out: HAS any one here got any
chewing tobacco Eyes, Ihave," ans.
. wered another. As he made no move
, toward hauling out his box, No. finally
asked: "Well, will you give me chew!'
"No, SIR replied the second. "Why
+ not e asked tie first in considerable
Q surprise. because made promise to
my dying mother never to lend any man
t any chewing tobacco, and don't pro-
pose to break dying promise Con-
. ycrsation turned to the Beecher scandal,
> "A farmer called at the house Of
= LAWYER to consult him professionally.
sis t squeer at himei" he inquired Of
: the lawyers wife. He WAS answered neg
atiyely. After a moments hesitation a
. thoug ht relieved him. 'Mebby yourself
can ri me information as well as t.
: squeer, as yc'rc his wife!'' The kind
:. lady promised to do so If she found it in
her power, and the other proceeded as
I follows: '.Spoaze We we're an old white
y NEAR, an | should borry We to gang to
> mill with crist on yer back, an we should
g 90 no farder than Stair Hill, when all at
once yc should back up. and rear up, and
/ pitch up, and kneel down backward, and
y break yer Garned old neck, who'd pay for
o vel Not I---darn me il would J" The
7. lady smilngly told him, as she closed the
,, door. that, as he had himself settled thu
case, advice would be superfons.
Mary Ripley, Of Columbia, is II
= wears Of age, and, feeling that the tim,
> had come when she should commence hel
work in behalf Of humanity, she hired /
IT hall and invited the public to come ant
hear her lecture on ''Sscial Topics.
: Mary began as follows; Ladies IN,
= gentlemen: Ii there were no men in thu
- world there wonld De fewer poor, miser
Z. able girls wandering -. Mary pro
ceeded no further, because 1T that poin
II her father walked upon the platform IN,
: : led her out Of the house by the ear.
in There are fine points in strcet-ca
ne conducting, as well IS in the other learne
ID professions. Il don't deny" said
I; 'crsss-town man on Chicago line, speai
III ing Of : contemporary whose merit ha
been recognized by . promotion fror
ne Milwaukee avenue, Il don't deny tha
% he's good conductor. Once ! seed hin
i'd bounce . snoozer three tines bigger
he him. But, Lor' bless you, give him
ne fat woman with black velvet coat :
he over bugle beads TO tackle when the car
en- behind time, and then you'll rec that
MS hain't got the nerve for these aristocrat
en- lines ike this and Injisnny avenoo. No
when put my knuckles into the small
he vomsr's bach, no matter il shes b
40 = : chures. dies got % cone. II