The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1875-12-02
JOHN HENRY'S WOODEN WEDDING.

NAJSs GiuOOupOluts A0t uuu StTOlSR 'mlUOeQs
Mrs. Mignonnette, sweet and graceful ;
Mrs. Byzantine, whose charms had grown
more winning with every one of her GO
years, and Fanny Sirene, = young FLY,
with neat pastcrns and splendid action,
rather frisky, but hard to beat on level
ground. weight for age. Then there was
Blobbs, pedantic and angular Benedict,
whose main object in life was to forget
that he was married Parson Trem6le,
rcd.ha:red and bashful and 4 ha!f:dezen
others Of either sex, including the mimi.
table and Undesirable Sophronia Skye
Where in blue blazes, as John Henry for.
chilly expressed it, his wife could have
picked up Sophronia Skye nobody knew
and knew less why she should nave
picked her up when she found her. She
was an ancient female whose intellectual
exaltation was simply stupendous. Into
some matrix Of Mother Nature there had
been cast infinitesimal portions Of pro-
toplasm from the frames Of Gall, Spur.
helm, Spipoza, Combc, Dods, Fishbough,
Haddock, Dale Owen, and Pearl An.
drews, and out had come Sophronia
Skye, a conglomeration Of cells whose
germs were psyche logy, phrenology, mag
| nctism, spiritual nature, correspondence,
clairvoyance, water.curc and brown
bread, brain-food, anti.corsets. chem.
blooms, etc., etc. She had also slight
tinge Of woman's rights, some ideas con-
corning "affinities," some strong views
regarding those cruel and shameful
laws" ETC., and allopath:c medicine.
Four out Of five Of her sentences com.
menced, "Now, have theory" and
the fifth had some reference to her .'in
terior,' which for the sake Of modesty,
be it understood, referred not to her di.
gestive apparatus, but to what meta.
physicians would call her Ego. But to
return to the party.
John Henry, having been detained by
an unusually busy day, came home from
his work late and worn out, and inclined
to believe that one wedding with the
same woman was bother enough for IN
ordinary mortal to- undergo. He was .
however, and set resolutely to work to
put on his harness and bear fair part
in the fray, which he would doubtless
have done with good temper but for set
of untoward circumstances that Fate
seemed to have prepared for him. The
baby, in the first place, just ready to be
taken down for show. was seized with 4
naroxysm of true inwardness, and threw
several things up to him which he would
rather, at that moment. not have been
reminded of. His 4-year-old hopeful,
too, had found it convenient, on that
evening Of sill others, to try the philosoph-
ical experiment of attaching 4 spring
clothes. pin to the tail Of 4 cat-a pro.
ceeding which brought both cat and \
boy to sore extremity, and set both
bowling hideously, to the delectation of
the guests assembled below. And finally.
20 clap the climax, Mrs. Henry had been
unfortunate enough to find grease spot
on the stomachcr Of her best silk, and
had taken it out with ; patent prepare
ton which left her smelling in = way that
a whole bank of violets could not hide
and ''concerni1g = woman" said John
Henry, quoting Dean Swift, 81 would
rather good deal that my eyes and ears
be offended than my nose."
Still he got down stairs successfully at
last, and when, later in the evening, his
wife saw him striving with weary good.
nature to bring some SAVIOR ont Of the
sweet insipidness Of Mrs. Rosewate:, she
murmured confidingly to her old chum.
Fanny Sirene.
"Poor John, he's just tired to death,
and trying to make that silly little Rose.
water think she's talking. But I'll pay
the dear fellow for it when I get him
alone; and it's the day We were married,
too, FANNY"
And Fanny chuckled little, and pinch.
ed her, with pretty little laugh, and
then rushed off to make poor Benedict
wish he was Mormon.
The evening sped ON quite gayly, when,
al Of sudden, Mrs. Henry missed her
husband. After searching for him vain]y
in all the corners of the pretty little par.
]ors, she had just concluded that perhaps
he had gone up stairs for some of that
mysterious fluid which he called spirit
ats ri7,i GaIici, when John Henry enter
ed the room-- but entered it in = strange
fashion. There was 4 curious INDIGESTION
in his gait, and the hair, which was wont
to be brushed smoothly back from his
forehead. was dangling in sort of Per-
ichole fashion down toward bis eyes.
His mouth, too, was wreathed in one Of
those half:idiotic grins where conscious
guilt and the sense of the ludicrous are
so laugably mingled.
As he crossed tho threshold he turned
first toward tho circle about Mrs. Eglan.
tine; then, evidently recollccting that
that shrine was not for him now to wor-
ship At, staggered step toward Fanny
Sirene. At this moment, as fate would
have it, his eyes lighted on the cork
screw curls Of Sophronia Skye, and with
the desperate plunge Of : ship struck
wing.and.wing by squall. he lurched TO-
ward her. exclaiming, as he brought up
to an unsteady anchorage: IL
IS glad to see you sphonia! Sphonia,
howsh yer interior?''' ~Tr,g4.-ss>
"Why, Mr.. Henry, said Sophronia,
with the heaming countenance OF a
woman who is spoken to 1t a party for
tho FIRST time in IN hour, why, Mr..
Henry, | do think you are trying to dis.
parage my metaphysical phraseology.
Now. have theory
"The'rybedam'd," interrupted John
/ Henry; want s know howish your in.
terior-f yer interior 'sh ali right,
hox i, thunder's happen your nose sho