Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1875-12-11

My heart keeps up with he.'"
An enthusiastic third-termer cries:
"Grant and Chandler would make an
uncommon strong combination" But
he neglects to add whether or not they
would put lemon in it.
The Yonkers Gazette wisely remarks:
contemplating baby carriages with a
calm and thoughtful eye, you may
reasonably infer that the matrimonial
sky is bright, serene and little sonny"
But s'you had daughter" not to be too
sure of that-Norristown Herald.
The Louisville Courier-Journal has
the following:
ale was smoking cigar on Market
street car, where there were ladies. OF
| course he was a gentleman (?l. A
lady took out her purse, got ten cents,
| and handed it to the smoker.
"Whats this for?" said he.
'.It's to buy you a good cigar when
you smoke in the presence of ladies'"
He threw the cigar out of the window,
the scrip in the 1ady's lap, jerked the
strap, and jumped out.
| A hen never has regular meal-she
always gets plcked-up ulnner.-CConI-
mercial Bulletin. And she has to scratch
around considerably to get it, too. But
then it doesn't cost anything; she has it
all put down in the bill Boston Ad-
vertiser. Those punsters ought to be
cooped up.-[St. Louis Republican. o,
no. Let 'em crawl around for full
crop of puns on the subject Norris
town Herald. To hatch up any more
would require complete insight into
| the chican-ery OF the business. And
then, after all, you fellows would lay
your heads together and pullet all to
pieces.-[New York Commercial Ad-
/ vertiser.
A young lady from the rural districts
entered dry-goods store the other day,
and asked for a pair of stockings. The
clerk politely asked what number she
wore "Why, two, you blasted fool do
you suppose am centipede, or wood
en- leg? How many do you suppose a
two legged hair : pin like me would
wear?"
| A Silver City, New. young lady, who
has passion for pretty babies, said to
a little four-J ear-old, who has bran
new sister: i say, bub, won't you give
me your baby sister? love little ba-
bies." Young hopeful: ''No; tan't."
Young lady, (winking at her young
man): .tWhy, sonny, won't you give
your baby to me P" Hopeful in
dignantly: "Fy, he'd 'tarve to death !;
your dress opens behind" Painful si-
lence for the next fifteen minutes.
An Oregon exchange lately came out
with the assertion that all the ladies in
7 town were wearing Government socks
The agonized editor tore all the hair out
of his head, shot seventeen holes in the
! compositor, and chased the pro0f-reader
, into the mountains with shotgun. He
then slipped back in tho night, and bar
ricaded himself in his office, where he
, spent three days in talking through the
key-hole to the outraged females, trying
, to convince them that he wrote t.Gari-
4 baldi sacks" il
/. The Usage, (Mo,) News, says: Mr..
g Conner is fisherman, and lives on the
! Gasconade. Some time ago he went to
hear Elder Rutter preach. During the
course of his sermon that gentleman said
that his church was called Campbellite,
and did not know what it meant. That
that was not their name, and that he
never saw Campbellite, and would
: give nickle to see one. On hearing
= this, Mr.. Conner rose and informed the
:. speaker that he was Campbellite, and
b claimed the nickel. He walked up to
the pulpit, received his nickel and took
t his seat, and listened to the balance Oi
d the sermon, and he went home richer
P man by five cents.
u We find the following in Harper's s
! Weekly: IA boy in St. Louis was re.
Gently presented with jack-knife,
with which, boylike, he cut and mark.
ed everything that came in his
: way. from the dining-room table
to the cats tail. A few days
;, after he had become the happy posses
d sor of the knife, his father was startled
e by seeing two men bringing home the
Young hopeful in very dilapidated con
] slition. His face seemed TO be cut and
bruised and covered with blood. Tht
g father, of course, was very much alarm
L ed, and inquired of the boy who had hi
him. Nobody didn't hit me-" the boy
answered, between his sobs; sit wa.
l. only a mule kicked me in the eye
l. "a mule kicked you in the eye, ehp'
3 echoed the father. Haven't told yor
l. IL thousand times or more that mules and
3. eun-powder were not fit things for boy!
g to fool with. What were you doing II
e that mule?'' 81 wasn't foolin' with hin
g at all, said the boy; II was only tryin
d to cut my name on his back"
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