Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1875-12-18
MARK TWAIN AT NIAGARA.

q. NfSlIiDg fll- N
vorite watering place recently for the first
time, and was well pleased.
a gentleman who was with me said IL was
customary TO be disappointed in the Falls
Dut mat subsequent visits were sure To set
that all right. He said il was so with him,
de said that the first time he went hack
fares were so much higher than the Falls
this is all regulated now.
The hackmen have been tanned, numbered.
and placarded and blackguarded, aud
Drought into subjection To the law, and doSed
missionaries.
They are divided into two clans now, the
Regulars and the Privateers, and employ
their idle time In warning the people against
each other. The Regulars are under the hO-
tel banners. and the Privateers prowl darkIy
on neutral ground and pick off stragglers at
But there are no more outrages and extor-
tons. That sort OF thing cured itself IL
made Ia the Falls unpopular by getting into
the newspapers. and whenever q public evil
achieves that sort of success for ITSELF its
days are numbered
1t became apparent, that either the Falls
mad TO be discontinued. or the hackmen had
TO subside. They could not dam the Falls.
so they did the hackmen. One can be com
Portable and happy there now.
drank up most of the American rails he
fore learned that the waters were not con-
sidered medicinal. Why are people left in
Ignorance this way? might have gone on
and ruined a fine property merely for the
want of a little information.
And yet the sources of Information are not
meagre at Niagara Falls. You are some
you are seldom in doubt concerning what
you must do. If an infant can read that in
fant is measurably safe in Niagara.
III yOu room a the hotel, yOu will find your
course marked out in the most convenient
way, by means of placards on the wall like
these:
. "Pull the bell rope gently but don't jerk"
Don't scrape matches on the walls or fur
niture."
. Turn off your gas when you retire."
"Ify you put your boots outside the door
they VIII be blacked, but The house will not
be responsible TOR their return"
This is a confusing and tanglesome promo
sition, because 1t moves you to deliberate
long and painfully as to whether IL will
really be any object to you 10 have your
boots BACKED unless they are returned.
"Give your key to the omnibus driver IL
You forget and carry 1t off with You"
outside the hotel, wherever you wander.
you are intelligenuy assisted by the signs.
You cannot come to grief as long as you are
In your mind, with SO many instructions to
keep track of.
For instance:
keep Off the grass"
"DOn't climb the trees"
Glands Off the vegetables"
"DOnt hitch your horse TO the shrubbery,"
"Nisit the Cave of the Winds"
riage."
"Forty per cent in gold levied on all pea
nuts and other Indian curicsities purchased
In Canada"
photographs of the Falls taken here.r
Visitors will please notify the Superin-
tendent OF any neglect on the part of en-
ployes to charge for commodities" mo In
attention of this kind is observed)
Don't throw stones down; there might be
"The proprieters will not be responsible for
parties who jump over the Fails" More
shirking Of responsibility-it appears to be
the prevailing thing here.)
always had a high regard for the signers
OF the Declaration OF Independence, but now
they do not really seem to amount to much
along with the signers of Niagara Falls.
To tell the truth, the multitude OF signs
annoyed me. 1t was because l noticed at
last they were prohibiting the very thing l
was just wanting to do.
desired to roll on the grass; the sign pro.
hibited ii. lOnged to smoke; a sign prohib-
tied 1t. And was just in the act of throw
Ing q stone over to astonish and pulverize
when sign have just mentioned forbade
that. Even that satisfaction was denied me
and was friendless orphan.
There was no resource now but to seek con-
ISOLATION from the flowing bowl. ! drew my
flask from my pocket, but II was all In vain.
A sign confronted me, which said:
nNo drinking allowed on these premises"
On that spot l might have persisted OF
thirst but for the saving words of an honored
maxim that fitted through my memory at
that moment: can signs fail in dry times"
Common law takes precedence of the stat.
The noble red man had always been q dar-
ling ofmine. l loved to read about him in
tale and legends and romance.
l love TO read Of his inspired sagacity, and
OF his love of the wild free life Of mountain
and forest, and his grand truthfulness his
hatred of treachery, and his general nobility
OF character, and his stately metaphOrical
speech, and his chivalric love for the dusky
maiden, and the picturesque pomp OF his
dress and accoutrements.
"hnt, Il he eI@<
full of dainty beadwork and stunning moe
casins, and equally stunning toy figures rep
fesentlng human beings who carried their
weapons in holes bored in their arms and
bodies shaped like pie, / was filled with
emotion. knew that now l was going to
come face TO face with the noble red man.
=, A lady clerk in the shop told me, indeed,
that all her grand array were made by tue
Indians, and there were plenty about the
Falls. and that they were friendly, and that
II would lot be dangerous to speak to them
. came upon a camp OF them gathered In
the shade of tree, making wampum and
moccasins, and addressed them in the follow
ing language OF friendship:
"Noble red men, brave, grand Sacham war
chiefs, squaws and h-yOu-nuck-a- mucks,
the paleface from the land of the setting sun
greeis you. You, benefcent Polecat; you,
devourer OF mountains; you, Roaring Thun-
dergust-the paleface from beyond the great
waters greets you all!
WAR and pestilence have tbinned your
ran ks and destroyed your once proud nation.
pense for soap unknown to your glorious an
cestors have depleted your purses. Appro-
priating in simplicity the property of Others
has gotten YOU into trouble. Misrepresent-
Ing facts in your stnless Innocence has dam
aged your reputation with the soulless usur-
per. Trading with forty rod whiskey to en-
able you to get drunk and happy and toma-
hawk your families has played the everlast-
Ing mischief with the picturesque pomp of
your dress, and here you are in the broad
light OF the nineteenth century, gotten up
like the raging and bobtail of the purlieus Of
New York! For shame! Remember your
ancestors! Recall your mighty deeds! Re-
member Uncas! and Red Jacket! and Hole
tn-the Day! and Horace Greeley! Emulate
their achievements! Unfurl yourselves up-
der my banner, noble savages, illustrious
guttersnipes"-
"DOwn wild him."
"Scalp the blageard.''
Chang him!"
"DhrOwn him!"
1t was the quickest operation that I ever
saw. simply saw sudden flash in the air
OF clubs, brickbats, lists, bead bas kefs and
moccasins--a single flash, and they ali ap-
peared to hit me at once, and no two in the
same place.
In the next instant the entire tribe was
upon me. They tore all the clothes Off OF
me; they broke all my arms and lega. thew