The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-06-29
COLONEL BANGS,aHAT:.@'s :

COLONEL .BANGS'aHAT:;@s 4 i: !. y: =. Il.
Max Adler writes to = the, N ews.SY ork
Weekly ColonclB Blu Is iisiEvery bald, and
in order to induce his hair to grow again
"Hair Vjgor'' upon his scalp. A week
or two ago he was summoned as a jury
man upon a case in Sthe Circuit Court,
and upon the day6ofthe trial, just before
the hour at which the court met, he re-
membered that he had not applied the
Vigor to his head that morning. He had
only few minutes to spare, but he flew
upstairs and into. the dark; closet where
he kept the BOTTLE, and pouring some
fluid upon Is sponge, he rubbed his head
energetically. BBsome mishap the Col
oncl got hold Of the wrong bottle, and
the substance with which he inundated
his scalp was not Vigor, But the black
varnish with which Mrs. Bangs decorated
her shoes. However, Bangs didn't per-
ceive the mistake, but dashed down
stairs, putson his hat, and walked off to
the court room. 1t was a very cold
morning, and by the time the Colonel
reached his destination the varnish was!
as stiff as a. stone. He felt q little un'
comfortable about the head, and he. en-
deavored to remove his hat to discover
the cause Of the difficulty, but to his dis
may it was immovable. 1t was glued
fast to the skin, and his efforts to take it.
off gave him frightful pain.
just then he heard his name called by
the crier, and he had to go into court to
answer. He was wild with apprehension
of coming trouble; but he took his seat
in the jury box and determined to ex-
plain the situation to the court at the
earliest possible moment. AS he sat
there with guilty feeling in his soul, it
seemed to him that that hat kept getting
bigger and bigger, until it appeared to
him to be as large as medium-sized shot
tower. Then he was conscious that the
lawyers were staring at him. Then the
" clerk looked hard at him and screamed:
''I1ats off in court!' and the Colonel
grew crimson in the face. ''Hats off,
yelled the clerk again, and the Colonel
was about to reply when the judge came
in, and, as his eyes rested on Bangs, he
said:
"Persons in the court room must re-
: move their hats
Bangs-''May it please your honor, l
Judge-Wcll. sir, you must take it off
now.
Bangs-But I say I keep it on be.
JudGc-We don't want any argu-
ments upon tAe subject, sir. Take your
hat off instantly!
Bangs-But you don't let me
Judye-Remove that hat this moment,
sir! Are you going to handy words with
me, sir? Uncover your head at once.
Bangs-Judgc, if you will only give
me a chance to-
Judge-This is intolerable! Do you
= mean to insult the court, sir! Do you
mean to profane this sacred temple of
justice with untmely leyity? Take your
hat of, sir, or will fine you for con-
tempt. Do you hear me?
Bangs-Wcll, it's very hard that |
can say a word by way of ex-
Judge (warmly)---Thls is too much
This is just little too much. Perhap
you'd like to come up on the bench here
and run the court, and sentence a few
conylcts! You've got more audacity
than mule. Mr.. Clerk fine that man
fifty dollars! Now, sir, remove that hat.
BangsJudge, this is rough On me.
4 Judge Gin furious rage)--W ont do it
I yet? Why, you impudent scoundrel
/ I've notion to- Mr.. Clerk fine him
= one hundred dollars more, and Mr.. Jones
you go and take that hat off by force!
Then the tip$taf approached Bangs,
who was by this time half crazy with
wrath, and hit the hat with his stick. 1t
didn't move. Then he struck it again,
and caved in the crown; but it still re-
manned on Bangs head. Then he picked
up a volume of "Brown on Evidence
and mashed the crown in fiat. Then
Bangs sprang at him, and shaking his fist
under the nose of Jones, he shriekcd:
"You mutton-heeded scu]lion! I've
half a notion to kill you! If that jack
ass on the bench had any sepse, he could
- see that the hat is glued fast. l can't
take it off if wanted to.
Then the Judge removed the fines, and
excused him, and Bangs went home. He
slept in that hat for week, and even
when it came of, the top of his head look
ed as black as if modification had set in.
CHINESE IN SAN FRANCISCO.
- The Chinese quarter is a system of al
legs and psSagcs, labyainthian in their
sinuositics. Into which the sunlight never
enters; where it is dark and dismal, even
at MONDAY n stranger attempting to
explore them, would be speedily and hope
lessly lost. Many Of them seem mere
Sits in the tanks of the streets-dirty
rivulcts flowing into the great stream Of
life. Often they have no exit-terminat-
;,,r in q foui cOnrt dead wall q camh