Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1875-08-20
Fl IT MO f.

An old woman sat on a bench in a
Western depot, wiping her eyes with her
handkerchief, when portly man, full of
sympathy, said to another; "It always
makes my heart ache to see an anged per-
son in trouble" Walking up to her he
kindly. asked: "My good woman, why
these tears; why do you weep" She took
down the handkerchief. looked up in sur
prise. and bluntly answered: ''I've got
the wust cold in my head I've had for
forty-six years."
She tried to sit down in the street car,
but was pinned back so tight that she
couldn't. Old lady peeped over specs
and asked her, chow long have you been
afflicted that way?" The young lady
blushed and made "a break" sitting down
sideways, and holding her knees together
so tight that she looked as if she had on IL
one-legged pair of pants. Old lady noticed
her sitting in this side-wise, cramped po-
sition, and whispered, "Bile, 'spose; I've
had 'em myself"
s'Summer draws near" unused Jenkins,
as he gazed on the landscape from his cot
tage window the other morning. s'Sum-
mer drawers, dear, indeed" said Mrs. J.
sharply. "If you 60 to putting on sum-
mer drawers before the first day of July
yoa may double up with the rheumatic be-
fore III sit up all night rubbing you again,
Mr.. Jenkins
By planting several Limhurger cheesees
af3ut his potatoe patch a farmer in Linn
ounty, Iowa, drove off all the potato bugs
while his neignbors suffered severely from
their ravages. This is that kind of cheese
which is SAID to be ripe when bit as big
as pea will drive dog out of a lanyard.
A Chicago man met General Sherman
last week and said: "Cheer up, Phil-the
wars over" ':Ain't SO sure of that, "
Phil said, with twinkle in his eye; '';ts
long as a MANS single he can keep out of IA
fight, but when he's married he's got to
take his chances"
School inspector to urchin.-''Now
Johnny, how many can you count?' john
ny-'One two, three, four, five, six, seven.
eight, nine, ten." Inspector-''Good.
Johnny, 60 on" Johnny, after moment IS
thought Jack. queen, king, ace.''
A pretty Sunday school song is the one
entitled PUT your armor on my boys.
There is, however, a young lady in our
town who doesn't like to hear it. She
says it sounds like PUT your arm arouu
me boys"
An old maid don't know what it is t.
bind over the children's little white bed
softly pat their curly heads, and hear Oh.
of them growl out: "Now, then, San,
keep your paws off'n me, or I'll bat you in
the eye"
Cambridge is proud of young woman
SO innocentand pure-minded that she re-
marked to her intended the day previous
to their marriage: ''Now, mind! won It
have baby brought into the house,
A Brantford man tied his dog to the
end of car the other day, and then bet it
could keep up with the train. When tn. v
got into Detroit the dog was ahead-but
there was nothing else left of him.
The other day an excited individual ac-
costed street gamin with the question,
sSav, bub, which is the quickest way for
me to get to the railway depot?" "Run!'
was the response.
''What time is it?' asked one passenger
of another in a Detroit depot the other
day. "Ten minutes to wait,'' was the
answer, as the man looked up at the time
table,.
A Kansas farmer has discovered new
remedy for potato bugs. 1t is to mortgage
the farm. The rate of interest will lift
every blessed bug over into the highway.
s'For whom are you concerned?'' asked
a Judge Of a lawyer. II am concerned for
the plaintiff, your Honor. but 1 am en-
ployed by the defendant was the reply.
A little boy couldn't remember the text
exactly, but thought it was something
about hawk between two pigeons. It
was, "Why halt We between two opinions. )"
Graham bread is excellent food for
children on account of its superior bone
giving qualities. You can feed a child on
that bread until he is all bones.
Malinda Robbins. of Indiana, got the
pOwder-horn and assisted her brother in
kindling fire. They will live, but not to
brag on their compilations.
Said one man to another: eff it WASH It
Sunday, now much would you take for
that iumber2" eff it wasn't Sunday I'd
tell you, 4" was the reply.
Traveller Ito laDdlord) -"Show me to a
room with good GEe 10 it, for am very
wet, and send me a ta4kard of ale for I
am very dry
A numerous apotheeary ip BOSTON ex-
POSES case OF soap in his shop. window
with the pertinent Inscription, Cheaper
than dirt"
A rather pulling remark froIa young
lady Just off a sleeping car from New
York: :"My berth was nearly the death
of me-"
mankind, - once said a preacher, ''in-
c1udes woman. for man embraces woman"