The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1875-06-25
Light Reading.

away.
How to tell the weight of fsh-by his
scales.
Look out for the comet, for thereby hangs
a tale.
Conceit-an ass who imagines himself an
elephant.
Motto for the tea merchant-IIonest-te
is the best policy.
Can any one be called traitor who be-
trays his own feelings?
A brilliant tale that will attract general
attention-the comets.
The man who will suit you to hairs
breadth-the wigmaker.
Among the best parlor organs is that ofa
| pleasant talking woman.
When does man have to keep his word?
When no one will take it.
When the thermometer falls, how often,
on an average, does it break?
A cannibals epitaph--" me as one
who loves his felowman."
If a man doesn't take care of No. l. he
will soon have 0 to take care Of
In Minnesota they estimate their grass
hoppers at 100 bushels to the acre.
We seldom repent talking too little but
very often of talking too much.
Advertising FOR wife is about as absurd
as getting measured for an umbrella.
| "Come in out of the wet" as the shark
fsaid when he swallowed the little negro
boy.
| Why is beefsteak like locomotive? It's
not of much account without it's tender.
In what case is it absolutely impossible to
be slow and sure? In the case of watch.
1t is said that photographer used a black
cloth in order to make his camera obscurer.
| How to keep your own counsel-get into
a chancery suit, and you will never get rid
| of him.
| Why are lawyers like shears? Because
| they don't cut each other, but only what
comes between them.
| An Iowa editor recently announced that
a certain patron of his was "thieving as
usual" 1t was written thriving.
A saucy young New York widow says she
is in the honeymoon of her widowhood.
What brute her liege lord must have been.
The proprietor of sausage machine in
New York was lately heard to regret that
50 many dogs should be killed "out of sea-
son."
The increase of lunacy undoubtedly has a
sound scientific reason, as Professor Proctor
says the earth will be resolved into moon
shine one of these days.
A Milwaukee paper says of the air, in its
relations to men, "it kisses and blesses him,
but will not obey him." Blobbs says that
that description suits his wife exactly.
i A Chicago belle who, six months ago, was
so langud that she could scarcely support
herself at the altar, now throws a fat-iron
fifty feet and hits her husband every time.
A pompous A bedreen philosopher ex-
tracted the following reply from an advanced
T free school lad to the query, "How is the
earth divided, my lad? "By earthquakes,
sir"
The mortality among married men in Tren-
ton, Indiana, is reported to be on the in
crease in consequence of wealthy philan-
thropist's offer to give barrel of flour to
every widow in the town.
Mr.. Watermore is a strict teetotaller land
Just little bald on the top of his head)
Imagine, then, his horror on being asked the
other day by the barber who was cutting his
hair whether he ever applied stimulants
, | to it.
A gentleman was one day arranging mu-
, sic for young lady to whom he was paying
: his attentions. pray, Miss Dove" said he,
5 "what time do you prefer" "Oh," she re-
5 piled, carelessly, "any time will do; but the
E quicker the better"
A gentleman having his hair cut, and be-
ing annoyed with the operators stories, in
the middle OF each he said, "Cut it short"
At last, the barber, in rage, exclaimed, "It
cannot be cut shorter, for every hair of your
head is off,"
your horse is in the habit of kicking
3 use a splash-board and your horse will soon
get over it. Never give horse chestnuts to
chestnut horses, nor sorre to sorrel horses !;
,, you can give cream to cream horse, if you
= like and the horse likes it,
"That clock, stranger" said Michigan
farmer, twas the best kind of clock up to
>, six months ago, when my daughter began
:. to have beauX, and now the blamed thing is
always two hours slow"
r. Mr.. Jones got up too early one morning,
n and began TO scold the servant girl His little
. six-year-old who had been listening attent-
d lively during the conversation, broke in with,
h "Father, leave Off scolding; you need not
!, think that Lucys your wife"
n The Tennessee barrster who resorted to
0, the insanity dodge in behalf of his negro
G client, and expatiated at some length upon
Ie the absolute idiocy of the poor fellow, me
re with some opposition from the dalkey him
e SELF who exclaimed, "You can hang me, OF
lt send me to the penitentiary, or say Ise ras
A. cal, but, mister, please don't say Ise foo
Mt again"
I'd A Georgian officer was talking to anothe
g soldier, and asked, "Where was you durin,
Iy the war ?" The other replied, 81 was TWEEN
is ty-four months in the army, SIR" "Yaas
+ wal where was you during that timer" 90
c, was twenty-three months in the hospital
90 "And where was you during the othC
ne month";" 81 was looking for the hospital,
n, said the fellow.
u "Can you draw, young man?' inquire
70 70 Mr., Quilp of an applicant for private tt
" torship. Certainly" replied the candidat
II, "AtlO years old could draw beer; at II
w. picture; at l6 an inference; at 20 bill
~ exchange. If ! were an actor | believe
ne could draw the largest kind of house; bu
'e' being teacher, am content to draw 81
SS' ary, and the bigger the better" You'll dc
vas said Mr., Quilp.
Wv Wv The head is doubtless the most importa
'" organ we have. We lose our hearts wi