The Middlebury register. [volume] (Middlebury, Vt.) 1850-1882, 1875-08-17
The Colonel's Hat.

Colonel Bangs is very bald, ond in
order to induce it to grow again, is using
a very excellent article Of Hair Nigos"
upon his scalp. A week or two ago he
was summoned aa juryman upon case
in the Circuit Court, and upon the day of
trial, just before the hour at which the
court met he remembered that he had not
applied the Nigor IN his head that morn.
ing. He had only u few minutes to spare,
but he flew up stairs, aud into the dark
closet where he kept the bottle, and pour
ing some fluid upon sponge, he rubbed
his head energeticaly
BY some wishap he got hold Of the
wrong bottle, aud the substance with
which he Inundated his scalp was not
Vigor, but the black varnish with which
Mrs, Bangs decorated her shoes Bangs
did not perceive the mistake, but darted
down stairs, put on his hat aud walked
of,
1t was very cold morning, aud by the
time the colonel reached his destination
the varnish was stiff az stone. He felt
little uncomfortable about the head, and
endeavored TO remove his hat to discover
the cause Of the difficulty, but to his dis.
may it was immovable. 1t was glued
fast to the skin, and his efforts to take it
off gave him irightful pain
Just then he heard his name called by
the crier, aud he had to 60 into court to
answer. He WAS wild with apprehensions
of coming trouble but he took his seat IN
She jury box, and determined TO explain
his situation to the court at the earliest
possible moment.
AS he sat there, it seemed to him that
that high hat kept getting bigger ana big.
ger, until it appeared to him to be as
large as a medium sized shot tower.
Then he was conscious that the lawyers
were staring at him. Then the clerk
looked at him and screamed
HAT off in court !" and the colonel
grew red in the face.
"Hats off !" yelled the clerk again, and
the colonel was about to reply when the
Judge came in. and his eyes rested OIL
Bangs, he said
"Persons in the courtroom must re.
move their hats"
Bangs it please your honor,
kept my hat on because"
Judge-"Well, sir, you must take il
off now"
Bangs-"But | say kept it on be
cause"
Judge-"We don't want any argu
ments upon the subject. sir. Take you
hat off instantly! !"
Bang but you don't let me"
Judge" Remove that hat this mo
ment. Are you going to handy word
with me, sir Uncover your head a
once"
Bangs-"Judge, if you will only Civ
me a chance to-"
Judge-"Ths is intolerable DO yo
mean to insult the Court, sir ? Do yo
mean to profano the sacred temple of ju:
tice with untimely levity? Take o.
your hat, or will fine you for contempt
Do you hear p
Bapgs-"Well. well, it's very har
that | can't say a word by way of ex-
Judge warmly This is too much
Perhaps you'd like to run the court herr
and sentence few convic.s You've g
more audacity than mule. Mr.. Clerl
fine that man $50. Now, sir, remov
your hat! !"
Bangs-"Judgc, this is rough on M
l."
= Judge 10 furious ragel-Won't q
it YETI Why, you impudent scoundrel
I've notion to-Mr. Clerk fine him SIC
more, and Mr.. Jones you go and tai
that hat of by force !"
Then the tipstaff approached Bang
! who was by this time half crazy wi
- wrath, and bit the hat with a stick.
didn't move. Then he struck it agai
/ and caved in the crown; but it still T
S mained on Bapgs's head. Then he pick'
up a volume of Brown on Evidence
and smashed the crown in fiat.
Then Bangs sprang at him. and, sha
: ing his fist under the nose of Jones,
shrieked,
"You mutton.headed scullion I've
notion to kill you If that jackass
= the bench had any sense he could see tn
= the hat is glued on. | can't take it
;, if wanted to-"
= Then the judge removed the fines a
: excused him, and Bangs went home.
slept in that hat for a week, and ev
a when it came oi, the top Of his head loo
ed black as if modification had set in.
Mar Adeler.