American citizen. [volume] (Canton, Miss.) 1864-1890, 1875-12-04
Anatomical.

Any person who has read daily pa
per for the last year cannot have failed
to notice how often newspaper paragraph
ers hit at big ears, big feet, cross-eyed
people, and at young men who part their
hair in the center The woman who
wears No. shoe or has a big ear is sure
has got to that pitch where the public are
asked to consider such persons almost in
the light of criminals.
I deem it my duty to give the public
some facts which / have taken pains to
collect:
Last winter Mrs. Parsons, of Wiscon-
sin, who wears a No. shoe and makes all
the dishes in the house rattle when she
crosses the floor, shot and killed two
bears, having neither aid nor encourage
mcnt from her husband. Not a single
case can be cited where a Wisconsin
woman wearing No. 8 shoe ever killed
bear or came within a mile and half of
being a heroine. Let the newspaper para
graphers get over this fact if they can.
Five or six weeks ago a Mrs. McAdams,
living in Western Michigan, and wearing
shoes so large that they have to be made
on special lasts for her, had a fight with
and defeated her husband early in the
morning, knocked school inspector
down just before noon, split fifty rails In
the afternoon, and fell off the haymow be-
fore going to supper. l challenge any
newspaper man in this country to name a
woman with a small foot who can show
such a noble record. He can't find one
who ever made respectable fall from the
haymow, to say nothing of the rest of Mrs.
McAdams' heroic conduct.
Adult the 1st of September Mrs. Turner,
a widow lady, living near Des Moines,
and having ears long enough for COON
dog, was put in Jail for stealing 500
pounds of wool. She escaped from Jail
by slipping out of her hustle and crawl
ing up chimney and was in Illinois
when next heard Of l challenge these
maligners to produce just one single case
where a widow woman with small, pink
ears ever stole 500 pounds of wool, carry
ing it fifty pounds at time, on her back,
good mile. 1 admit that small-eared
women have been jailed, but show me
case where one of them ever crawled up a
chimney, leaving a new twenty shilling
hustle on the floor.
Last summer cross-eyed man named
Abel johnson, living in Virginia, jumped
out of his bedroom window at midnight
and rescued three hams from burning
smoke-house. A moments delay would
have been their death. Can anyone cite a
case where straight-eyed man ever res
cused three big hams at midnight? Any
body but cross-eyed man would have
waited to put ON mis- trousers, boots, vest
and coat, and those three unsuspecting
hams would have been roasted alive.
Three days after that occurrence Mr..
johnson undertook to raise the woOdshed
while his wife was away from home. In
his operations the shed fell upon him and
he was pinioned down for nine hours.
Can anyone cite case where wOodshed
ever fell upon straight-eyed man without
killing him at once?
Last Fourth of July a cross-eyed girl
named Susan Dee, living in Central Ohio,
fell through railroad bridge, struck a
canal-boat sunk it, and swan ashore with
out losing hairpin. Give me a case
where a straighteyed woman ever per-
formed such noble deed. True, a few
of them may have fallen through bridges,
but they struck the water with a great
I" kersplash," and had no romance
about it,
As to young men who part their hair in
the center, let me narrate the case of Tim
othy Haddock, of Green Bay. He was
asked to call at the hotel and see lady on
important business, and when he COM
piled he was ushered into room where
seven of his nine wives sat with their
backs TO the wall. The seven greeted him
as follows:
Wretch!"
Villainr'
sRascal!"
Scoundrelr'
80 myr'
- You THEIR
''Kill himr'
And what did Timothy do but COM
mence at No. One and shake hands all
round, ask after the family, express his
delight at seeing them. and take the mat
ter Just as cOolly as a boy heaps up mud
sweet-cake. And he got the seven into a
| fight with each other and quietly left
town without even seeing policeman.
Show me case where IA man with his
hair parted on the left side ever married
| seven women. They sneak around with
one poor wife apiece. and many of them
shake in their boots every time she raises
! her eyes.
| like people with big feet, and 1 was
never more panied in my life than at read
| ing an item the other day stating that
Susan B. Anthony denied wearing No.
Tennessee maiden, kicked by a cow while
milking, rose up, kicked back and killed
the reckless animal There is something
grand in the sight of big, broad foot
/ going into the air as woman strikes an
| icy spot on the walk, and defy any sta
tistician in the land to show me female
with big foot who isn't tender-hearteG,
/ kind and amiable.
Big ears indicate motherly good nature.
No wife with big ears ever poisoned her
| husband, eloped or brought anyOne's gray
hairs in sorrow TO the grave. It's these
small cared women who shake up society.
The young man who parts his hair In the
middle has lien on the philanthropic.
! He'd be mean man who wouldn't see a
| fool safe over crosswalk.-X. Quad, in
| ". Y. Graphic.
You see, grandmamma, we perforate
an aperture in the apex, and correspond
| ing aperture in the base; and by apply
ing the egg to the lips, and forcibly in
haling the breath, the egg is entirely dis
charged of its contents" Bless my
SOUL cried the old lady, ''what wonder
full improvements they do make. Now,
| in my Younger DAYS, we lust made a hole