Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1875-08-16

Prevalent feminine salutatiOn, "GOod
morning; glad to see you; how does
your currant jelly come out %
A lady was recently heard to say,
with q sigh, 'What with being tied
around above and tied around below.
haven't had good square sit-down for
three months
"Well, l always make it a rule to tell
my wife everything that happens" "Oh,
my dear fellow, that's nothing I'' replied
his friend 81 tell my wife lots of things
that never happen at all !'
Here is the John Chinaman's render
ing of "HOw doth the little busy bee:"
Howl Sci belly small chin-chin sting-bug
Im.im-mplove ebly Sixty mint all a time
Go, pickee up sting bee juice all day.
All kin places loun howes just got busted.
London is ahead. 1t has more Jews
than Palestine, more Scotchmen than
Edinburgh, more Irish than Dublin, more
Catholics than Rome, and more thieves
than Chicago.
A fussy and Overparticular young
lady was having her photograph taken,
and just as the operator had got down
to the perfectly still'' business, she
suddenly threw up her arms and ex-
claimed, "There, | forgot to put my
hustle on! !''
The is village in New Hampshire
which has produced twenty-six editors,
and it was in allusion to this circum-
stance that a pious deacon remarked
Eyes, there were twenty-six on 'em, but
as they've all left town l reckon the
Lord won't lay it up agin us"
A fashionable visitor thus addressed
a little girl '"How do you do, my
dear ?" Every well, l thank you, !"
she replied. The visitor then added :
"Now, my dear, you must ask me how
l do" The child honestly replied Il
don't want to know"
"Do you get off here? asked the
purser of the steamer City of Newport
of lady. as the boat was within two or
three hundred rods of Bullock's Point,
one afternoon. mo" she responded,
and just as the purser was about to tell
her that she would have to buy return
ticket, she continued, 81 get off when
the boat reaches the wharf"
1t was at a party that some young la.
dies were discussing the relative benefits
of the sparrows and the worms, when
one of the fair ones appealed to young
Fizzleton, who had just Joined them,
and had not caught the drift of the con-
versatlon. Which do you think the
worse, worms or sparrows ?" What did
the stupid brute do but innocently ans
wer, 81 don't know; l never had spar.
rows"
"Sir," said fierce lawyer, "do you
on your solemn oath, swear that this is
not your handwriting q II reckon
not, " was the cool reply. ''Does it re-
semble your writing" "Yes, sir, /
think it don't" 'Do you swear that il
don't resemble your writing?" "Well,
| do, old heat" 'YOu take your solemn
oath that this writing does not resemble
yours in single letter ?'' ''Y-e es, sir. y
..Now how do you know p "'Cause
can't write"
Josh Billings makes these ANSWERS
to Correspondents :"
Miss Monfcrt-I kant tell yu which
IL the best breed ov lap-dogs. All knC
IL that the whole lot ov them are {
shame and a nOosance.
Don't buy emmy lap-dog; if yu mus
hav a pet to suffocate, git rag dol
and luO that around
lap dogs are liable to feas, and If VI
should git flea on yu, Miss MontfOrt
goOd-buy to yure piece ov mind-yl
would be more frantik than gold
hunter.
One flea on the mortal exterior ov ;
person IL wuss to sarch out than sun
in vulgar frackshuns.
After you hav sarched for flea AM
) find him, and finally ketch him, yu vii
be mortyfed to deth to find that be ha
CIV yu the slip.
Thare is no more profitt nor commo
sense in kultivating lap-dogs than thar
IL in nussing cOckroaches.