The Van Buren press., 1875-07-20
Van Buren, City officers.
Josh Billings Blzzness Letters.

Mister Blake-Sir: | received yure
crkular in yesterdays mail, in which yu
request me to buy ticket in gift dis
tributing skemc.
Pleaze forgive me, if | don't invest;
have often bought into theze magnificent
chances, and all that have ever drawd
yet wuz the wool over mi eyes.
| hav RESIGNED for ever more mi DO.
sishun in the prize distributing bizzness.
Farewell, virtewous Blake, and may YOU
see the error of yure ways, and repent,
while thare IL a show for yu. fyu must
rob, take a pkaX and proceed onto the
hiway, and rob like man, giving yure
kustomers farp pop at yu.
Mss Pamela BreWster-Flours are
worn this season quite mutch on bonnets.
| saw a luy ov hat, last week at Mad
anne Frisky's, which fairly bulls the mar
ket 1t lookt much like bokay for a
target excurshun, presented .bi sum alder
man to the constituents ov his ward.
Thare woz sunhours and pond lillys,
and holyhawks, and dandylions, enuf to
stok forty aker farm | wuz told that
the bonnet waz the very kream ov style,
and the price was mere song, only SO
dollars.
wanted to buy the dear thing, and set
it out in mi front yard, and water it, and
see it gro, but it had been sold to junk
dealers wife.
Mister Brooks-1 received yure kind
invitashun to attend spellln dispute in
yure city, mex thursday eve. | will be
thare, and would like to bet the oyster
stuze for the party that eutspel the con
gregashun. S2elIin IL my strong holt; !
hay studded onto it for years. Idon't
spell ackording to the late Daniel Webster
unabridged, but | spell aekording to Bill,
ings. May the best man win
Miss Monfort-l kant tell you which i.
the best breed ov lap dogs All kno IL
that the whole lot ov them are shame
and anoosance
Don't buy any lap.dog; if you must
have pet or suIiocate. git u rag doll,
and lug that around.
Lap-dogs are liable to tleas, and if yu
should git a flea on yu, Miss Monfort
gude-buy to yurc piece ov mind--yu wuld
be more frantk than gold. hunter.
One flea on the mortal exterior ov Il
person iz wuss to search out than a sun
in vulgar fracshuns..
After va have sarched for flea anG
find him, and finally kctch him, yu will
be mortylied to dcth to fad that he ha7
givsd yu the slip.
There is no more profet nor common
sense in kntivating lap dogs than thart
ia in nussing cockroaches.
Mister Boon-You ask me which IL the
levelest, the married or the single state
and | amt afraidc to say that having
tired both for menny years, and sarched
out their weak and strong points, tha
matrimony IL the true style | think
kan safely say that the marrid condshun
for ehery day ware is 20 per cent ahed.
Perfect happiness amt to be had il
this life emmy how, don't kare whether
you 60 in single or bubble
But if emmy one will pay me for mi time
II will sho slxarguments in7 favor oil tie
oneself up with the kords ov konnubia
mairimony to agin it,
Tbare IL a CRATE menny rules, Mister
Boon, to make marrid life comfortable
but the golden one is this, 90 slo, and gi,
each other hat the road. This rule IL a;
simple and cazy as milking COW on tho
right side, and will be found AS useful rs
lie to avoid hot journals. f one party
wants the whole of the road, it make.
the turnpike hot and dusty, and if botl
parties want it, and will have it, it raize!
the very devil.
Excuse me- dear Boon for uscing th,
word devil but it seems the only on,
that will fit the spot
Good bye, respected Boon.-N y
| Weekly.