South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1875-04-23

WIT AND HUMOR.
H"That clock. stranger said Mi.
chigan farmer, '.was the best kind of a
clock up to six months ago, when my
daughter began to have beaux, and now
the blamed thing is always hours slow
~"Mamma, where do the COWS get
the milk" asked Willie, looking up from
foaming pan OF milk, which he had
been intently regarding. Where do
you get your tears - was the answer
After thoughtful silence he again
broke out, Mamma, do the cows have
TO be spanked?"
No MORE HoLLERrN boy, did you
holler on the street," asked his Honor
of Jerry Leary.
81 don't know If 1 did," replied the lad
in trembling tones
81 fear you did, my son, and it was
very wrong. i knew boy who used to
60 around holiering and raising CAIN
From that he got to stealing then he
forged; then he poisoned his wife flung
his children into well and butchered
his mother-in-law. They hung him. and
not to boiler on the Streets
"Pll never boiler no more sobbed
the boy.
Every we'll; you may 90. / shall
keep track of you, and hope you will
heed this lesson. BE good boy, wear
your hair long, go around softly, and
some day you may become as bald-head-
cd and as famous as Bijah.'
And the boys went out and sang:
fever we hollcr again,
If ever we boiler again,
May measles and rash
Quick settle our hash
lfever we holer again.
Detroit Free Press
~ Very stern parent indeed-"Come
here What is this complaint the school
master has made against you?" Much
injured youth-''Its just nothing at all.
You see, Jimmy Hughes bent a pin. and
only just left it on the teachers chair
for him to look at, and he came in with
out his specs and sat down on the pin.
and now he blames me for it -
~A party who was looking at a house
in the Sixth Ward the other day, said
he couldn't afford to pay so much rent.
wv ell, look at the neighborhood," re-
Piled the woman. You can borrow fat.
irons next door, coffee and tea across
the street. flour and sugar on the cor.
ner, and there's big pile of wood be-
longing TO the school-house right across
the alley
t=Y A little boy had been visiting at
the house of q relative, where he took
some primary lessons in the history of
American revolution, and how the Anne.
ricans whipped the Britishers The lad
returned home full of his new subject.
and NJ the tea-table said to his father
PA, be You Britisher?"
Eyes, my son, was born in England"
"Well, we whipped your retorted
the youngster."
THAT TuRNIP.-In my boyhood was
one day with several of my mates near
where an aged man was engaged in cut |
ting the tops from large heap of tur. |
nips. He said there was turnip in that
pile that he wanted to find; and furnish |
ing us with knives, we all joined in ca.
ger pursuit.
Whenever we found a turnip of pecu.
liar shape, or unusually large, we would |
inquire if that was the one. No" he !
would say, but if we keep on we shall
find it soon'
We kept on, each being ambitious to
be the lucky finder.
The heap became beautifully less, and |
we correspondingly excited, when at
length the old man seized upon the last
survivor and holding it up, said:
That's the one"
We then saw where the laugh comes |
in; but there was not much of laugh |
after all We felt that we had been sold. |
"HANNAH, PUT DowN ANOTHER
PLATE. "A story is told of a couple of
farmers who lived not a great distance
apart, one of whom was noted for being |
very penurious. One day his neighbor |
called on him while he was eating din. !
ner, but, instead Of asking him TO sit |
down to the table with him. he kept ON |
eating and talking just rs though the |
visitor hadn't Il mouth in his head. -
"Well, what is the news neiuhbor |
Brown" Nothing much NO news |
up your way?' he asked, still helpinr |
himself TO his good dinner, while his /.
neighbor looked on with anxiety and ap. |
petite. well, yes. now that I think !
ont, there is just n grain of news. "Nr. |
Jones COW has got five calves" replied /
visitor. Give calves ! never heard |
OF such a thing" Why, what the dick. |
ems does the fifth one do when the other
four are sucking?" "Why, he stands |
and looks ON like dumb fool, rs I am
doing now ooh, ah Hannah. put
down another plate"
WHAT IS Thy NANE2-It is often the !
case that persons who write on the whole |
n lcgiblc hand. sign their name 80 care.
lessly that stranger can scarcely make