The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1875-12-11
VARIETY.


Wendell Phillips credits Horace Greeley with
having said to q lecture committee, who paid him
IN western bankbills, that if convenient he would
prefer to have well-executed counterfeit on some
eastern bank.
A pious New Jersey dame has stopped praying
for her husband, because as she says, 81 have
prayed long without effect that | think the
Lord has just as poor an opinion Of that man as |
have"
The Springfield Republican argues that many of
the ways Of the American women vulgar, one
Of its points being this 50 No gentleman would
care 10 parade the streets in such attire that one
hand was constantly occupied in reefng the slack
of his bFeeches after the manner Of hoisting up
skirts at the present time"
Charles Reade expressed his contempt for 90 lit
tie lawyers" after the following blunt style :
a. The greatest asses God made arc little law
yers. Your little lawyer is a man who has parted
with the good sense Of the layman and who has
not advanced inch toward the science of
Mansfield or Story"
little boy of four years, standing in the moon
light by his sister aged six, said to her: Isn't
God good man, Nelly, to give such beauti-
full moon?'' Z" Oh, Freddy" said the sister, in
earnest remOnstrance, 90 don't call God man, for
if ever there was a gentleman, I'm sure God is
One!" Fact.-Chrisfian Union.
As an innocent-looking old man was going up
Washington street, Vicksburg, drayman nod
ded to him and asked &" Want dray, mister ?''
No, guess not, replied the old man. Z" I'm
too fur from home, and can't pay freight it.
Much Obleeged, though. Nicksburg is a power
ful nice town. feler back there asked me if
didn't want coat, another inquired if l wanted
hack, and now you offer me dray wish |
lived here
The other Sunday the usher of one of the Detroit
churches was greatly surprised at the appearance
of an old acquaintance, whose red nose and bleary
red eyes had not been seen in church before for
fifteen years. 50 Why, I'm awful glad to see you,'
said the usher he held out his hand. They
shook, and the usher continued 60 So you thought
you'd come to church? 50 Yes, | thought so'
replied the man as he looked around. Its
mighty lonesome now since they've closed the
saloons on Sunday
Old Winston was a negro preacher in Virginia,
and his ideas of theology and human nature were
often very original.-A gentleman thus aecosted
the old gentlem y" Winston, un-
derstand you B. We vVU.y woman has seven
devils. How can you prove it?'' " Well, sab,
did you never read in the bible how seven debbles
were cast out 'erAIary Magalin ?' '' Oh, yes I've
read that s' Did you ebber hear of 'em bein'
cast out of any oder woman, sab ?'' SO No, never
did 90 Well, den, all the odders got EN- yet.
ANOTHER NATHAN MuRDERER.-A California
Sheriff, who had got tired of having conscience
stricken Nathan murderers give themselves up
and desire free transportation to New York, there
to expiate their crime on the gallOws, addressed
the last candidate as follows s So your conscience
amt easy, eh?" " Ah,'' replied the murderer,
81 have the curse of Cain upon my brow; wan
der, wander, and find no rest. y ''And you re the
man?' 80 am" 50 And you want to be hanged?"
- feel that shan't rest easy till I'm hanged"
- Well, my friend,'' replied the Sheriff, thought
fully, '' the county treasury amt well fixed at
present and | don't want TO take any risk in case
you re not the man and are Just fishing for free
ride to New York. Besides, those New York
courts can't be trusted to hang man. On the
whole, as you say you deserve to be killed, and
it can't make much difference to you or society
how you are killed, so long as you are, ! guess
III kill you myself So saying, he drew his re-
volyer, bUt that conscience-stricken murderer had
departed in the direction of Alaska with such
fervor that people couldn't see the brand of Cain
on his brow for the dust he kicked up.
ODE TO AUTUNN.-The grasshopper creaks in
the leary gloom, And the humble bee bumbleth
the Iiye-IOng day. But where have they gone
with the bran new broom? And what has been
done to the buzz saws play?
oh, it's little he thinks of the cold mince pie,
And it's little he seeks of the ice cream For,
the dying year with its tremulous sigh Shall
awaken the lingering loon from his dream.
Oh, list : For the cricket. now far and near,
Shrillfully singeth his rOundelay, And the neg!i-
gent noodle his noisy cheer, And where the doodle
bug eats the hay.
Oh, the buzz-saw so busily buzzes the stick,
And bumbling the bumble bee bumbIeth his tune;
While the cricket cricks criekingly down at the
creek, And the noodle calls noisily out, - 1t is
noon!'
The dog fennel sighs, She is here! she is
here - And the smart-weed says dreamily, ''Giye
Us a rest - The hop vine speaks tenderly, '' Give
US a beer And the jimson-weed hollers, Z" Oh,
pull down your vest. - Burlington HatCkeye.
TIE OLD ToBAcCo CnEwER FooLED-One day
last month, when trade was dull, Vicksburg
grocery clerk procured a piece of sole leather
from a shoemaker, painted it black, and laid it
aside for future use. Within few days, an old
chap from back in the country came IN and in
auired for plug of chewing tobacco. The piece
of sole leather was tied up, paid for, and the pur
chaser started for home. At the end of the sixth
dav he returned, looking downcast and detected,
and walking into the store he inquired of the
clerk: - Member that terbacker l got here, the
other day?" YES" :" Well was that new
brand ?'' 50 No-same old brand Regular
plug terbacker, was it?'' eyes" '' Well, then,
it's me it's here in my jaws" sadly replied the
man. s. knowed l was gittin' purity old, but l
was allus handy on bitin' plug. never seed
plug before this that couldn't tear to pieces
at one ehaw. l sot my teeth on to this one, and
ID. bit and pulled and twisted like dog at root,
and I've kept bi9,ng and pulling for six days,
and thar she am low, the same as the day you
sold her to me = 50 Seems to be good plug re-
marked the Gle K as he smelled of the counterfeit.
-.s,ur . Az right: it's that's failing ~ ex-
claimed the old man. ." Pass me out some fine
cut, and I'll go home and deed the farm to the
boys, and get ready for the grave - VicksbHTg