Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1875-05-28
HUMOR.


Mrs. PARTINGToN.-Mrs. Darlington is
considered mythical person 'sevolved"
from the brain of Mr.. Shilla5er, but her
counterparts are often found in real life.
evening assembly speaking In high praise
of a pretty girl just passing.
s'Why, she is a perfect paragram of a
young lady!''
81 think you mean parallelogram; do you
not?" suggested the waggish gentleman
addressed.
81 said parallelogram, Mr." ex-
claimed the lady, with a combination Of
dignity and Indignation impossible to de-
scribe.
"Do you intend 10 masticate your
house?" inquired Western lady of a
friend Of mine who wasbuilding. He was!a
CRITICAL cultured New Highlander. as exact
as witty. What droll look came over his
face as he answered:
ssMy wife says | eat like an anaconda,
and I am blessed with the digestion of an
ostrich; but, really, madame, 1 don't
think 1 could manage my three-story
brick.''
This makes me think of Leigh Hunts
reply mot at all malapropy) to a lady who
said to him at dinner:
sMr Hunt, won't you venture on an Or
ange?''
Il would most gladly, dear madame,
only Pm afraid sho uld tumble off,"
But to keep to my theme. A lady visit
ing Washington for the first time sent
word to friends at home that she was
dreadfully disappointed:she meant to have
got an Indian Bureau for Jennie's room,
but there wasn't any to be had, and that
she was SO busy shampooing young lady
from one place to another that she had no
time to write letters.
A rather old girl (who had been lured to
California by the cheering information
that she was sure to marry there laid
siege to wealthy widower, who at first
showed signs Of succumbing, but finally
resisted the attack. AS usual with women
who are feeling intensely disappointed,
she didn't care; no, not one Bit" And
she exclaimed, half sobbing, to bosom
friend:
"Why, I wouldn't be hired to marry
him, hateful old thing! 1 wouldn't take
him, not if he was perfect Venus!" AS
money was his chief charm, we suppose
she meant Croesus. - 'Bric-a-Brac;'
Scribner for May.
Mr.. Stocking is the leading Conservative
candidate for the Governorsnip OF Ne
braska, and the funny men are after hlln.
One saws his name is received with Hose
annas. Another thinks his party has got
sheer thing. His opponents call him
darned old humbug, but acknowledge they
can't pull him off. On the whole, we
think it will prove that somebody has put
his foot in it.-B0ston Advertiser.
A youngster, while warming his hands
over the kitchen fire, was demonstrated
with by the father, who said, ''Go'wa5
from the stove; the weather is not cold.
The little fellow looking up at his stern
parent, demurely replied, II amt heating
the weather; I'm warming my hands,
Little Johnnie is dead, but before his
spirit was waited to the angels he reques,-
ed that a watermelon vine might be al
lowed to wander at will over his green
grave, that it might be d warning to flu
ture generations.
A Boy found pocket-boek and restored
it to it's owner, who gave him a tive-cent
piece The boy looked at the coin an i'll
slant. and then handing it reluctantly
back. audibly sighed as he said, Il can't
change it,"
A Connecticut girl patiently listened to
a long declaration of love- pathetic and
proposing, from a young man, and then
knocked the poetry all out Of him by say
ing, Now let us talk about your business
affairs''
Louisville car-drivers are a hard-worked
SET. It is rarely that Louisville girl
drops her foot on the tail-board OF DO
tail car without lifting the front wheels
off the track. and this wears on the drivers.
When a young man is invited to party
and goes. skirmishing around the house to
see if his girl is there. before entering, it's
about time he was paying little attention
to the market price of finger rings.
A business man in WATERFOWL, NY, is
named Tubbs and every time he slips
down, the boys begin. "Eeyery tub must
stand on its and the4 Tnbbs gets up
and the boys run.
A small boy made sensation for a short |
time by quietly transferring card bear |
ing the words stake one," from lot of |
handbills in front of a store to has .let of |
oranges.
What small boy does not envy the nerve |
of the portly man who enters church, takes |
out a big handkerchief, and deliberately |
blows his nose three times before sitting !
DOWN.
A Texas woman has learned to use the |
lasso SO deity that she can stand in the |
door and haul the hat off the lightning !
rod peddler while he is christening the |
gate.
A Minnesota minister who said that the |
srasshopperS were plague sent to punish |
the CHANGERS, is coming east to find another
pulpit. They couldn't believe him.
A man in Ierre Haute ate a quart of
saw-dust OH wager, He will probably
aaawe a pain i'm his lumbar region if he
sticks to such board as that.
4-Don't come to see me any more just
wet, gohn. Father has been having his 4
boots half-soled, with two rows OF nails i
arouMd the .toes.''