The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1875-10-08
Humorous.

/ u11lOIOuS.
A Boston editor said he wrote as plain as
could be, The sacred heavens around him
shine" when the blarsted printer went and
made it, "The scared hyenas around him
shine !"
An unusual number of men are carrying
their hands in their booklets, there being
nothing in their pockets to interfere with
this indulgence.
A Saratoga philosoph hersaya single woman
rs a general thing, can be told from a wife,
and yet he has known many girl to be taken
for wife.
The Detroit Free Press says when an old
veteran in Cairo was asked to split his vote he
replied "How could face the judgment
Day with them angels KNOWN that I'd gone
back on the Democratic party?"
Captain, me jewell" said a son of Erin,
as Il ship was coming on the coast in incle-
ment whether, "have ye an almenik on
board?'
"No, l haven't.
"Then, be jabers we'll have to take the
weather as it comes"
Brown, the other day while looking at the
skeleton of a monkey, made a very natural
quotation: "Ah p' said he, 1--WE are fearfully
and wonderfully made"
a good way to restore a man apparently
drowned, is first to dry him thoroughly, in
lde and out, and then clap speaking-trum-
pet to his ear and inform him that his mother
in-law's dead.
'Well, what is it that causes the saltness
of the ocean ?'' inquired teacher of a bright
little boy. "Cod fish, was the quick re-
ply.
A celebrated Judge, who stopped very much
when walking had stone thrown at him
one day, which fortunately passed over him
without hitting him. Turning to his friend
he remarked, Had | been an upright Judge
that might have caused my death"
At a collection made at Il chaIity fair
lady handed the plate to rich man well
known for his stnginess. 81 have nothing
to give" was his curt reply. "Then take
something, sir" she ans Mered you know l am
begging for the poor"
Mary had little lamp,
Twas filled with kerosene,
And Mary down the chimney blew,
And left this earthly scene.
Gone to meet her father, who drew his gun
to him by the muzzle.
You would be very pretty, indeed, said
gentleman, ratronizingly' to ayoung lady if
your eyes were a little larger My eyes may
be verysmall sir, but such people as you don't
fill themn
DIR. Helmbold has brought suit against the
Pennsylvania Hospital for the Insane and
several parties who were responsible for put
ting him in it, for false imprisonment.
GLOW heavy you walk !" exclaimed Mrs.
Mackwhack on hearing her husband tum-
bling up stairs the other night. "Well, my
dear" was the grutI response, 'ifyou can get
barrel of whiskey up stairs with less noise
should like to see you do it ~
One day Jerrold was asked about the talent
of young painter when his companion de-
clared that the youth was mediocre. THE
very worst ochre an artist can set to work
with, ;" was the quiet reply,
A letter was lately received at the Chicago
post Office directed "To an Honest Man.
The chief clerk sent it to the dead letter de.
partment, with the candid confession that
the man did not live in Chicago.
"Can you inform me, said a student to the
bookseller, "wheher can find anywhere the
biography of Pollock ?' 10 Yes / dare say
that you will find it in the "Conrse of
Time"
An Irish paper, reporting the loss Of Il
steamer, says, "The captain swan ashore; so
did the stewardess. She was insured for five
thousand pounds sterling, and was loaded
with pigs"
1t is said that a dog on wrecked vessel
did uot show any solicitude about getting n
place in any of the boats in which the passen-
gers escaped. That was probably because he
had bari, of his own.
An Indiana boy has written his name high
up on the scroll of fame this time His
teacher wanted to know the number of zones.
"Four," was the reply "The horrid, the
temperate and-thc intemperate." He will
enter the lecture field this fall.
\ conductor on the Chicago and North
westrrn Railroad recently kissed one of his
lady passengers, Miss McCracken. She
resented his action, and instituted a sui
against the railroad for damages ON the grounC
that she was kissed by the whole company
through the conductor, as agent. An Illinois
jury awarded her 81 goo, which is $50, ,33 from
each director, or ten cents from each stock
holder.
Max Adeler tells a new story, the gist 0
which is is follows; Bill Slocum was nom
mated for Mayor of Pcncader, and one day
in street conversation, he remarked, 'Iv
4 got to win" He pronounced it, "I've 60
4 | twin" and old Mrs Martin over-hearing
4 imperle2tly, went around and reported tina
=, Mrs. Slocum had got twins. The boys a
once decided to serenade Bill, and that nigh
i they marched out to his house, with a ban
y playing "lIa to the Chief" several war
clubs, some fire companies group Of white
dressed girls in wagon, a lot of banner
70 and plenty of enthusiasm, Bill made speec
N about the canvass and then there were shou
is of, "Wheres the twins - Hold EN- up
W the window p and the like. Bill said the
of was mistake, but the band sarcastical
h. played, "Listen to the Mocking Bird - al
ne the boys shouted louder for the twins, Wht
rt the truth prevailed the assembly dispers,
IT. in disgust, and Bill was overwhelmingly d
- fCated at the polls.
" A MONKEY SToPs A RAILROAD TRAl
"|-We learn from our genial friend Condr
wv tor :. X. Slawson, of the Savannah a
~ Charleston Railroad, that a day or two sit
"a; the train coming to this city was stopped