The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1875-08-14
VARIETY.

I No man can enjoy religion who docs not keep
himself clean.
Why should horse dislike wet weather?
Because nc is so much trQabledi with reins.
Why is Robinson a good name FOR a rooster?
Recause-Robinson CrusOe. ~ h-4s -
When Gun n horse cat the best? When he
has not bit in his mouth.
What is the difference between hill and a
pill? One is something hard to get up, and the
other is often hard to get down.
REFusED.-A bashful compositor refused to
accept n situation in an Office where girls were
employed, saying nc never set mp with girl in
his life. =
Delinquent subscribers should not permit their
daughters to wear this paper for hustle. There
being 80 much due on it, there is danger of their
taking cold.
An exchange says the best way for lady to
oct the fashionable - tangle' on her hair is to
fiji IL full Of corn-meal and set n lot Of spring
chickens to scratching the meal out.
An insane man was asked if he was not con-
nected with paper" "Oh no. said he, ''
have been to the insane asylum, and got cured
a man never runs newspaper after he is cured
\ noted violInist demonstrated with his
daughter about the use of rouge, saying: ' Why
do Won use paint nv dear ?'' . For the same
reason that YOU use rosin, Papa, to help me draw
my beau EA 81 \ absa -
IMPROVE YOUR LooKs.-It can be done by con-
slant control of temper, by temperance, and by
purity of thought and action. Reverence some
ideal Of comelIness and goodness, and the assimi-
lntive and initiative tendency in human nature
win improve your looks.
II should think you would be ashamed to
pitch into that little boy" said pedestrian
iately as he caught big bootblack cutting
small newsboy. " Ye would, hey?" sneered the
lad as he gave his nose wipe. ''Dye think I'd
90 f. big boy and get all pounded up?"
r ienia Epps of Hamilton, Ohio, asked her
mother to take note for her to friend OF the
family living in a near street. The note when
opened was found to read tTbis is little
ruse of mine to get mother ont of the house.
Before she can get back will be on the cars with
dear Lorenzo, and before night will be married.
Judge Ito intelligent juryman)-' Would You
convict man on circumstantial evldence?' g
dunno wot dat is, Jedge." '' Well, what do you
think it is ?'' - Well, cordin' to my Judgment,
sarcumstanshil is bout dis Ef one man shoots
anudder an kills him, he orter be hung for it.
Ef he don't kill him, he orter to go to dc pleni-
potentlary."
It ia said that n Boston girl who was riding
out, wanted to give her horse drink; and as be
sniffed at the water, she unbuckled the crupper
in order, she thought, TO enable him to get his
head down to the stream. She was probably not
as familiar with the habits and capabilities of
animals as the South Carolina girl, who tied a
heavy stone to a noisy donkey's tail to keep him
from braying.
Young man who was visiting abroad came
home Saturday, and in the morning ut breakfast
remarked, as he reached bis plate over, Father
a little of the mixture in the brown dish, if you
nlease, and q small piece of the prepared meat"
The old gentleman, who is plain, matter-of-fact
man, replied, as he loaded mp the outstretched
Mate g We like 10 have you come a-visitn' us,
John, but Just remember that while you're eatin'
here, if you want hash, say so; and il you want
sausage call for sausage, and not go to spreadin'
on any Brooklyn misery at my table.
CouLpS'r GIVE IT UP.-A couple were arranging
terms for separation, TO avoid the scandal OF q
ildicial divorce, and friend had been employed
by the husband to negotiate the matter. The
latest mission was in reference to valuable ring
Given TO the wife before marriage by the husband.
For this he would make n certain much-desired
concession The friend made the demand.
What!'' said the indignant wife, Z" do you
venture to charge yourself with such mission 70
me? Can you believe that could tear myself
from gift which alone recalls me to the days
when nv husband loved me? No. this ring is my
only souvenir OF happiness forever departed
FTis all and here she wept-' that now pos
=ess of once fond husband" The lady suppll-
Gated, grew obstinate, grew desperate, Threatened
TO submit to a public divorce rs lesser evil than
parting with the cherished ring, and at last con-
fessed that she had sold it SIX months before
Mrs.. Battles, says Max Adeler, suffers from
cold feet, and the other night she warmed up a
brick, intending to take it to bed with her. She
laid it down by the bedside while she attended to
the baby, and then she forgot about it and turned
in. After a while Battles came over to the bed
room, and when he had assumed bis night-shirt
he began to say his prayers. When he was
about half way through he happened to move his
knee little to the left, and 1t came in contact
with the brick. For an instant he thought that
something had stung him, and. jumping up, be
came back Go ascertain what it was. be saw the
brick lying there, but it never occurred to bin
that il was the cause Of the trouble, so he picked
Il % for the purpose of throwing it out of the
window. Then he suddenly dropped It with q
cry of pain, and, after an indignant denuneiatloI
of Mrs. Battles be procured piece of PAPER, and
10 furious rage he fired the brick through the
window-sash. 1t hit policeman who happened
to be standing on the pavement below, and IN
less than ten minutes Battles was on his way tC
the station-house, where he was locked up q, al
night on charge of assault and battery at ne
was released in the morning, after paying 81
6ue. YIe has not finished his prayers yet, anC
Mrs. Battles now warns her feet with her hanne