The Milan exchange. (Milan, Gibson County, Tenn.) 1874-1978, 1875-07-01
The Decay Of Noble Profession.
I want to be a pirate.

want 10 De pirate.
i IL was the young dream of my innocent
boyhood. used to sit on Sunday morn
ings, during good old DIR. Paul's sermons
on the Essential Wickedness and Logical
Atheism of the Heretical Doctrine of Bap-
tisnl by Immersion" and dream of a swift
schooner, with enormous guns. command
ed by myself, and perpetually skimming
the seas of such profitable cream as Span
ish galleOns and silk laden Indiamen.
| l did not intend to be a bloodthirsty
pirate. IL blood and rapine should prove
necessary, OF course | was ready TO do my
duty as a man and pirate, and furnish as
much blood and rapine as might be re-
quired.
In ordinary circumstances, however, 1
intended to confine my piracies to EAglish
ships, which, as all patriotic American
boys know, have no rights that any Amer
lean is bound TO respect. or course, /
meant to make all fat and otherwise out
rageous Britons walk the plank, but the
rest of the prisoners resolved to set free
on convenient misunderstanding the women
with the utmost delicscy and considera-
| ton.
The uniform that I wore on board of
| my imaginary schooner consisted almost
! exclusively Of gold lace and pistols. At
my belt, while my diamOnd-hilted sword
was of the finest Damascus steel. carried
a rifle in my hand-as pirate captains hab-
itually do-and always fired the long brass
32-pounder myself. My crew were de-
votedly attached to me, and while main
tanned the strietest discipline, I constantly
gave them presents of enormous value,
chiefly consisting Of Arabian horses, guns
and pistols.
l have sat out dozens of dreadfully de-
pressing sermons with the utmost pleasure
and profit by thus dreaming of my pirate
schooner. Alas! that the dreams of
youth should so rarely develop into reali-
ties.
Those were my innocent days. Little
did think when pictured myself great
aud good pirate that should come to be
chronic Journalist.
know now that, even with the strong
est sense of duty urging one to be pirate,
piracy has become absolutely impracti-
cable.
OF course, man could buy the necessa.
ry schooner and the necessary guns and
black flag; but there is nothing left for
him to pirate.
What romance would there be in cap
turing a cOtton-ship or a Cunard steamer
The cotton would be useless, and even if
a schooner could capture Cunarder the
passengers would chaff the honest pirate
and tell him he was only "making be-
lieve."
1t Is barely possible that an earnest pi-
rate might succeed in robbing a vessel
with valuable cargo. But then he could
not take it into port and sell it without
being arrested by policeman.
There isn't Spanish galleon in exist
ence. All the stout Indiamen with white
canvas have given place to iron steamers
that pass through the Suez Canal. Piracy
is dead. It's game has been extirpated,
and it has not a port in which to convert
its plumber into money and to spend its
i'll gotten gains.
really think the Fish Commissioners
ought to do something about it. They
take great pains to stock the streams with
game for the fishermen, but they have not
a word to say in favor of stocking the
ocean with game for pirates.
Seth Green ought to hatch out and let
loose few thousand young Spanish gal
Icons, and an equal quantity of young
silk-laden Indiamen. Then, if there were
laws prohibiting piracy during the breed
ing season, and the young game were al
lowed to grow, pirates would soon find
excellent sport where they now find none
whatever.
And yet-and yet-as the Tribune pow
erfrily remarks-though what the re-
mark means haven't the slightest idea.
am afraid, however, that even were the
sea to be restocked with piratical game,
the absence of any uninhabited tropical
islands suited for single pirates or squad
rOns of pirates desiring the quiet of home
would still make piracy impracticable.
Now, half the pleasure of a pirates life
consists in his tropical island, TO which he
can retire when he is wearied of active
duty, and read the illustrated papers and
consume unlimited quantities of ginger
bread and gum-drops until he is again
ready to put to sea.
This sort of thing can't be done on Long
Island or Staten Island, or even in Cuba.
There are too many inhabitants on all
these islands, who would disturb the pi-
rates solitude and betray him to that ruth
less foe, the local constable.
1t is useless to conceal the fact that in
any event piracy is too thoroughly dead
to be revived.-Grdphic.