The Lake County star. [volume] (Chase, Mich.) 1873-current, 1875-01-14
An Amateur on Christmas.

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We never did believe that Santa Claus
drove six billy-goats hitched to sled, and
1t filed with jumping jacks, peanuts,
candy, rat traps, shot guns, and things
for the children, nor can we believe that
he drives about over peoples houses, leav-
ing his team unhitched on the roof and
/ sneaking down smoky, sooty chimney,
when there's hot fire in the crate, lust
for the fun of stuffing stockings hung to
the mantle piece with little things for
the bad little boys that tied the oyster
can full of shot to his fathers dogs tail,
or to the playful little girl that poured
coal oil on the cat and set fire to her, to
see If burning the hair off wouldn't make
it look like Mexican dog. No! we
don't believe it. Last night we satisfied
ourself. We bought five dollars worth
of .tOrpedOes, shooting crackers, spit
devils and fireworks generally, to use
this morning. We placed them on the
mantel over the coal bucket. We made
hot fire, and, after hanging our boot
up where Santa Claus couldn't help see
ing-We don't wear. sOcks--we sat down
in front OF that fire to watch for the
looming man." About midnight we
heard noise upon the roof. All, he
comes! thought we; and the longer we
waited for him to come down the Chin
ney the more noise we heard upon the
roof. Thinking the goats had got tangled
up III the harness we rushed out to
see what was the matter, when we dis
covered a pair of cats waltzing around
upon the roof. Believing that Santa
Claus never would get his billy-goats
within square of "them CATS" we
rushed into the house, got our double
barreled "persuader," and came out.
We pulled the trigger and we gave each
cat a pint of shot. The gun went off
both ways, for while we stood upon our
head in the gutter, we saw 10000 cats
roll off that roof. The gun went across
the street into neighbours front yard,
and was found this morning with the
barrel-end sticking in the ground up to
the trigger and smoke coming out of the
touch holes. When the ground thaws
enough We'll get the gun back. Two
heads and tails was all that was found of
the cats in our front yard. The shot
had carried off the balance of them.
We crawled up stairs and resumed our
watch before the fireplace. The fire had
grown lew. We were bruised and sleepy.
The gun going off Jared the house, and
that shook the fireworks" off the mantel
and they fell into the coal bucket. We
grew cold, and selling the coal bucket
we threw a load of coal upon the hot
Goals, and took our seat. We slept We
heard an explosion, and felt something
light, head on, against the washstand in
the opposite corner of the room. We
saw CRATES, Goals of living fire, boots, coal
buckets, pokers, cats, billy-goats, sleds
and wholesale toy shop, flying about
through the room, and amid the smoke
old Santa Claus dancing a jig. We
gathered ourself together and stood UP.
All was dark. We saw nothing, heard
nothing. We only know that what
things didn't 60 out through the windows
went out through that chimney. The
neighbors heard an earthquake, and came
over. They "put us in our little bed"
Waterman called to tell us that he
saw a streak o. hell red hot, shoot out o.
that chimney a mile high, taking all the
bricks with it as low down as the roof"
We thought at the time the house wents
out through it, and we started out
through it ahead of the house. Now our
interviewer" is writing this as we mar
rate it. Well be out in week or two.
Santa Claus didn't come down that CHM
ney, but if he had started down, and got
about half way when the fireworks went
of, we feel safe in saying that it would
have been his last chimney adventure.
for he would have had his neck broken
against the moon, if he didn'tgo through
it, and his billy-goats, sled, and Christ
mas stock would have been scattered for
twenty miles back of Jacksonville. Of!
Lordy! how bad we feel! Santa Claus
ia fraudi