The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-06-29
COLONEL BANGsS,sIH .: sI5::'

coLoNEL BA Nlat s,ss1I Nv W ss
Max Adler writes: 70 : N eW orsk
Weekly :@GolondtlBB sug sastsery bsla, IND
in order to induce his hair to grow again
he is using very excellent article OF
"Hair Vigor' upon his scalp. A week
or two ago heswass summoned, as a jury
man upon a ease III the Circuit Conrt,i
and upon the d. aofthe trial, justIbefore
the hour at which the court met, he re-
membered that he had not applied the
Vigor to his head that morning. He had
only few minutes to spare, but he flew
upstairs ndintos the dark closet there
he kept the bottle,s and pouring some
fluid upon spong rubbed his head
energeticalIy. BWsone mishap the COL
oncl got hold of the wrong bottle, and
the substance with which. he inundated
his scalp was not Vigor,but the black
varnish with which Mrs. Bangs decorated
her shoes; However, Bangs didn't per
ceive the mistake, but dashed down
stairs, pntSbn bis hat, and walked OFF to
the cour u room. = twas . very2scofd'
morning, .and by the time the Colonel
reached his dest;nation the yarnish Vas
as stiff as a sJstone.s He felt 8 little I'M
comfortable about. the head, and he en-
deavored@to remove hisshat to discover
the cause Of the difficulty, but to his dis
may it was immovabie. 1t was glued
fast to tie skin, and hissefforts TO- take it,
off gave him frightful pain.
Just then he heard his name called by
the crier, and he had to go into court to
answer. He was wild with apprehensio sion
of coming trouble; but he took his. seat
in the jury box and determined to ex-
plain the situation to the court at the
earliest possible moment. AS he sat
there with guilty feeling in his soul, it
seemed to him that that hat kept getting
bigger and bigger, until it appeared to
him to be as large as a medium.sized shot
tower. Then he was conscious that the
lawyers were staring at him. Then the
: clerk looked hard at him and screamed:
''Hats off in court! - and the Colonel
grew crimson in the face. ''Hats off,
yelled the clerk again, and the Colonel
was about to reply when the judge came
in, and, as his eyes rested on Bangs, he
said:
"Persons in the court room must re-
move their hats
Bangs-''May it please your honor,
AcPC my Hat OA UcCIuSc--
Judge-Well. sir, you must take it off
now.
Bangs-But I say I keep it on be.
Judgc-We don't want any argu-
ments upon the subject, sir. Take your
: hat ofinstantly
Bangs-But you don't let me
Judge-Remove that hat this moment,
sir Are you going to handy words with
me, sir Uncover your head at once.
Bangs-Judge, if you will only give
me chance to-
Judge-This is intolerable Do you
= mean to insult the court, sir! Do you
mean to profane this sacred temple of
justice with untimely levity? Take your
hat off, sir, or 1 will fine you for con-
tempt. Do you hear me!
Bangs-Well, it's very hard that
can't say a word by way of ex-
Judge (warmly).--This is too much
This is just little too much. Perhaps
you'd like to come up on the bench here
and run the court, and sentence a few
convlcts? You've got more audacity
than mule. Mr.. Clerk fine that man
fifty dollars! Now, sir, remove that hat.
Bangs-Judge, this is rough On me.
Judge Tin a furious rage)-.-W ont do it
l yet? Why, you impudent scoundrel!
/ I've ! notion to- Mr.. Clerk fine him
one hundred dollars more, and Mr.. Jones
you 60 and take that hat off by force!
Then the tipstaff approached Bangs,
who was by this time half crazy with
wrath, and hit the hat with his stick. 1t
didn't move. Then he struck it again,
and caved in the crown; but it still re-
manned on Bangs head. Then he picked
up volume of "Brown on Evidence
and mashed the crown in fiat. Then
Bangs sprang at him, and shaking his fist
under the nose Of Jones, he shrieked:
'You mutton-heeded scullion! I've
half notion to kill you! J. If that jack
ass on the bench had any sepse, he could
- see that the hat is glued fast. l can't
take it off if wanted to.
Then the Judge removed the fines, and
excused him. and Bangs went home. He
slept in that hat for a week, and even
when it came off, the top of his head look
ed as black as if modification had set in.
CHINESE IN SAN FRANCISCO. ;,
- The Chinese quarter is a system of al
legs and pssages, labyainthian in their
sinuosities, into which the sunlight never
enters where it is dark anddismal, even
at monday. A stranger attempting to
explore them, would be speedily and hope
Sits in the tanks Of the streets-dirty
rivulets flowing into the great stream of
life. Often they have no exit-terminat.
- y 4