Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1875-03-31
HUMOROUS.

- HUMOROUS.
TIE FIGUREs.-"There, my dear
wife. there is the set of iewelry which
you so long waited for" said De-
troiter as he laid a package before his
wife the other evening:
"Oh! you dear old darling, how
much did it cost ? she inquired as she
tore off the paper.
"Only $50" he replied, carelessly.
"And what's this mark, $3.50, on
the card for ?" as she held it up and
looked at him with suspicion IN her
eyes
"That-that mark-why, that means
they paid only $3.50 to have the iewelry
madel" he replied. "Just think,
darling, of their grinding poor, hard
working artisan down to IS. y!
She was satisfied with the explana-
tion. and he whispered to himself:
"What mule / was not to change
that $3.50 to $50"
A SUMNER episode, as evolved by
little Johnny Last summer our dog
Towser was a lying IN the sun trIne
to sleep, but the flies was that bad he
cuddent, cos he had to cetch EN-, and
bime by a bee Lit on his he'd, and was
a woking about like the dog was his'n.
Towser he hel his he'd still, and, when
the bee was close to his nose, Towser
winked at me, like he said you see what
this duffer is a doin, he thinks I'm
lilly of the valley which issent open
vet, but you Just wait till L blossom and
you will see some fun, and sure enuff
Towser opened his mouth very slo so as
not to fritten the bee, and the bee went
inside Towser's mouth. Then Towser
he shet his dreamy eyes, and his mouth
too, and had begun to make a peacehe
smile wen the bee stung him, and you
never see lilly of the valley ack so IN
of your life.
A GENTLEMAN occupied all day, but
having some hours of leisure in the
evening, instead of advertising for
books to write up, has set up semi
suburban private patrol, charging his
neighbors 81 a month watching their
premises. When asked whether he did
not find it exhausting to work all day
and walk around all night, he admitted
frankly that he only visited his Gus
toners once month, and that was to
collect. '.But don't they find you out 2
said the querist. "Oh no, he replied,
''they hear the burglars going round
and trying the doors, and they think
it's me-"
THE late Hon. Sam Galloway, OF
Columbus, Ohio, was remarkably
homely man. On one occasion, while
dining with personal and political
friend in Chillicothe, the six or seven
year old daughter OF his host, who had
been intently studying Gallaway's face,
said, loud enough to be heard by all at
table MA, didn't that mans mamma
love children mighty well? = why
so, my dear ?" asked her mother. ''Oh
Just 'cause she raised him."
INSPIRED being "Whence, oh,
whence, ladies', whence, oh, whence
came the marvellous instinct that
prompted the minute being originally
contained in this fragile egg-shell to
burst the calcareous envelope that Sc
cluded it from the glories of the out
ward world?" Chorus OF sdmiriDg
ladies' Whence, oh, whence, indeed,
Mr.. Honeycomb ?" Master Tommy
"Perhaps the little beggar was afraid
he'd be boiled l"-Pnlch.
A VERMONT school-master says he
never felt unequal to any demand in
the line of his profession, excepting on
one occasion, when a farmer brought
his bouncing fifteen year old daughter
to the school, and walking up to the
masters desk, said: That's my
youngest gal, and if ever you catch her
slidin' down hill with the boys, Just
want you to trounce her"
On ARRIVING at Calais, France, on
her way to make the grand tour, an
English lady was surprised and some
what indignant at being termed, for the
first time in her life, "a foreigner.
"You mistake, madame" said she to
the libeler with some pique: cit is
you who are tine foreigners. We are
English.
An OLD farmer riding a lumber wagon
with his son, when passing over a rough
place fell off, and coming into close
contact with the wheel, he cried ont,
my neck is broke r His son express
sing some doubt as to the case being
quite so bad, the old man responded
with some spirit, ''Don't you s'pose /
know! :!
81 HADN'T chance like some boys"
remarked man in the street-car yes
terday, as he squirted tobacco juice
over the straw; ''my father was too poor
to- give me an education. 'But if l
had been he," replied a lady, as she
gathered up her skirts, 'T'd have given
you manners or broken my neck trying
itp
EVEN in the saloons, opinions upon
grave subjects are expressed forcibly.
A gentleman slightly under the infu
ence of the Intoxicating bowl furnished
proof of this fact. night or two ago.
''Whisky, zur, he said, -brightens
the intellect. 1t ought to be introduced
into the public schools, zur."
OLD bachelor uncle-"Well, Charles,
what do you want now?" Charlie
''Oh, l want to be rich" Uncle
Rich Why 500" Because
1 want to be petted. and ma says you
are an old fool, and must be petted be-
cause you are rich. But it's a great
secret, and mustn't tell %
BARBER (,cho had been rubbing array
quite Uigorously). ''This isn't Bay
Rum. after all !; it's my Cough Mixture
No idea how il got in with the other
bottles. Don't be frightened, Sir /;
there's nothing hurtful in it. Two
thirds molasses ~