The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-04-03
BUDGET OF FUN.
\ Nnlcnn SlkeiClt.

I've taken your paper for twen'y'siN years,
he commenced AS he reached the head 81 inc
stairs, and now | want puff
He was II very tall, slender, man, had lace
which hadn't smiled since 1872, ana his neck
was embraced by IL white cravat and his
hands were thrust into black gloves. =
I've got II new henrse, Il new stock oil
collins and | want Il locu. notice. he con'in
ued, as he sat down and sighed, as II ready
to screw II coiAnlid down.
My dear sir replied the man in the cor
ner I've met you at Il great many lnneraiS
and your general bearing has created a FAVOR
able impression You sigh with the siShers,
grleve with the Grievers, and on extra occa
sions you can shed tears OF sorrow, even
though YOU know that you cant get ~ per
cent of your bill under SIX months.
Yes sighed the undertaken, instlnctVeiy
measuring the length of the table WIN ms
eve wondering to himself why editors tables
weren't covered with Grape, WIFI fo"e vi
coffinnails around the edges
Death is a very solemn thing continued
the man in the corner, but still IL IS an occa
sion when one can appreciate neat tninS'
I've seen YOU rub your knuckles against door
posts and never change countenance; I've
seen Won listen to eulOglcs on men who owed
YOU for twenty years before their death, ana
Won looked even more solemn than the be-
reayed widow: I've seen you back your
bearse up to door IN such an easy, quiet
way that il robbed death of half its terrors.
All this have | seen and appreciated, but
couldn't write puff for you
why noty' he demanded.
For many reasons. Now you have new
hearse Could go on and say: Mr.. Sack
CLOTH the genial undertaken, has just receiv-
ed fine new hearse, and we hope that Our
citizens Will endeavor to best0w upon 1t the
patronage such enterprise deserves. 1t rides
easily, is handsomely finished, and those who
try it once will want no other Could | say
that?
No, not very we'll
'Of course | couldn't. You can call a
grocer or dry-goods man genial friend
and it's all right, but you aren't genial-you
YOU could be even more solemn than you are
it would be money in your pocket
That's So he said, signing heavily, or a
whcelbarrow, | could 90 on and write "A chap
Ter on every separate spoke, but it ism you
see
lie leaned back and sighed again.
AS to your collins, they are doubtless nice
collins, and your prices are probably reason
able but could go on and say Mr. Sack
cloth, the undertaken has just received his
new styles ia spring collins, all sizes, and Is
now prepared 10 see rs many OF MS Olu GUS
toners as want something handsome and dur
able at a moderate price Could say that?'
Another sigh.
Il couldn't say that you were holding a
clearing out sale in order to get ready for the
spring trade, or that, for the sake of lncreas-
ing YOUR Patronage, you had decided to pres
ent each customer with chrome. couldn't
say that you were repairing and rcpanung,
and had the most attractive coffin shop IN
Detroit L, wouldn't do to hope that people
would patronize you, or to say that all orders
sent in by mail, would be promptly filled,
and that your motto was Quick sales and
small profits
lie put OH :t..ie look of tombstone and
made no reply.
You sce if you had stoves to sci i or dealt
IN mackerel, or sold fishing -tackle, every
thing would be lovely. You are ah under
taker-solemn, scdate, mourniul, You revel
in Grape, and you never pass black walnut
door without thinking how much good coffin
lumber was recklesslv wasted. The tOlling
bell is music to you an! the City Hall flag at
half mast is fat or your ribs. wed like to
oblige you, bat you see how it is
Yes, ] scr he sighed, and he formed in
proccseicn and moved down stairs, looking
arotIr6 now and then TO see if the hearse was
ius. thiry-iOur feet behind the officiating
Clergyman arriage.-Detr0H Free Press
The matted braid is the lateat for TRIM
ming 1t comes from one to three inches
wide 1t is not costly and forms a neat and
handsome dress garnlture.