The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-03-02
BENJAMIN P. euMn.
Row He Acted for tho Peace Society.

My life insurance agent, Benjamin P.
Gum, to whom have alluded at leghth
in my book, is still around, and he is still
canvassing actively for his company. A
day or two ago he dropped in to per.
saade Mr.. Pitman to take out policy,
and the following conversation ensued:
Gum. I called -
Pitman. o GET OUT! don't want to
be bored about life insurance.
Gum. just dropped in to see f.
Pitman. | know you did, and | dom
| want any. You can't insure me.
Gum. If you will permit me merely to
Pitman. But won't permit you. Skip!
This is the sixteenth time you've tackled
me, and I'm sick of il. l ain t a-going to
insure my life. That's settled.
Gum. You misunderstood me, Judge
called to ascertain if you are a member
Of the Peace Society.
Pitman. / am.
Gum. thought so. And, Of course.
you are willing to help along any scheme
which will put an end to war and murder.
Pitman. Certainly.
Gum. Well, then, just listen to me.
| am acting in behalf Of your Society.
have on hand a magnificent plan for pro-
ducing permanent peace on earth and
making armies useless. Why did Cain
kill Abel?
Pitman. Dunno.
Gum. Because he had no particular ill.,
terest in keeping him alive. That's the
reason. Why did David bang Goliah !;
why did the Romans butcher the Cartha-
Vuh1, I.l o1l ,lok L:
burn Ridley and Latimer at the stake!
Pitman. Hanged if know.
Gum. Why, because it wasn't money
in the pockets of any of those fellows to
have the other chaps walking around en-
joying life. Do you suppose Brutus
; would have stabbed Caesar if Caesars
death would kept Brutus hard up for mar
ket money! Not much, he wouldn t..
Do you believe Wise would have hung old
John Brown if Johns death would have
forced Wise to borrow money to buy
boots.
Pitman. May be he wouldn't.
Gum. Well, then, look here. Sup
pose you was policy holder in a mutual
life insurance company, wouldn't it re-
duce your dividends if you were to kill
another member, and wouldn't YOU do
your terrific best to keep that member
alive?
Pitman. Strikes me I would.
Gum. Of course. Now, what I am
aiming at is to grther the entire civilized
earth, the whole human family, into our
company, SOS that all hands will be per.
fectly wild to keep everybody else alive.
When this is done, you can beat your
swords into spears, and your plowshares
into pruning hooks, for there'll be no
more war. Don't you see! I'm not
VOL king for paltry commission or two.
It's labor oflove. I'm trying to elevate
the race and promote Christian civiliza-
ton.
Pitman. It never struck me that way
Gum. Anyhow, it's SO. And I ask
you, as member Of the Peace Society, to
enroll your name among those who are
carr wing on this great work. Terms as
low as any other company, and dividends
payable semi'annua]ly. Unborn genera
lions will rise up and call you blessed.
We make our policies payable at any
age, or We'll put you in the Tontine; and
YOU dry the widows tears and
hush the cry of the orphan. Go
in for $4,000 policy, and I assure you
that the glad hosannas of the white
robed angel of Peace once more will re-
sonnd from the starry vaults of Heaven,
and over the the smiling earth the songs
of love will still the clangor Of the war
horse and the boom of the cannon, and
! man once more will know the felicity of
Paradise. Your grandmother died of
liver-co1nplaint, [ believe? Lem me see,
how old are you!
Pitman. I'm A in February. Put me
down for $4,000, payable at go years of
age. Call in the morning with the papers.
and I'll sign EN-.
Gum. Good day. I'm off, I've got
an engagement with Cooley at II, and am
anxious to keep it. I've haunted him
for two years now. and he has succumbed.
Consulting a Cow Doctor.
A man living in the country, far from
any physician, was taken suddenly i'll.
His family, in great alarm, not knowing
what else to do, sent fox neighbor, who
had y reputation 70 dooto1ing COWS.
"Can't you give father something to
help him = asked one Of the sons.
"Wa'a], don't know nothin about doc.
torin' people,
"You know more than we do, for you
| doctor COWS. Now what do you give
them when they're sick o.