The Tipton advertiser., 1875-12-02
GRINEslSMs.
"L0cal Option" I'm Spring dale.
A Curtain Lecture.

| luT. LOWOT .-l0 t0tS delightful
township Of Springdale, where the
sun seldom smiles on . Democra,
and where whiskey is usually q
scarce - scales on = gnat's heel, q
select few of US have been visited
by that seductive phantom "local
option" Several Of my neighbors
aud myself had talked it over from
time to time, and, although we .,
FIRST thought it was naughty, We
finally concluded it was nice, so We
decided to give it trial in our i'm.
mediate settlement. Our reasons 70,
this step we're many and obvious
Firstly: The present prohibitory
law was 80 stringent that it oversize,
the mark and hence was = dead letter
in the minds Of thinking men. Mar.
rowcd . fellow down into such con-
temptably small compass that tight
boots and matrimonial apron strings
were godsend to it. The masses
were not prepared for = strict pro-
hioitory law, for the reason that they
were not educated up to a prohibi-
tory standard of morality, and the
law was 30 CALLING that it was winked
at and not enforced. Secondly
Every mans house is his castle and
If be wants to use whiskey or Sloan 8
condition powders, who has . right
to say he shall not? Thirdly: We
have great many foreigners among
10 and with these people all malt and
spiri,uous liquors are ~ much ma
tional beverages as tea and coffee are
with Americans. 1t would therefore
be both selfish aud unfair for us to
debar them from the use of these
s,imulants. Fourthly, and finally ;
whiskey is fluid, and glasses and
jugs are made to hold fluids, hands
are made to grasp, elbows to bend,
throats to swallow and stomschs to
receive. Hence it is clearly mans
duty to imbibe. This last is what
philosophers call figuring from cause
to effect, and very natural phiIoso-
ply it is too. We made up q purse
and sent by Grf PAtchit to the city
for three gallons Of the "local' Griff
is good fellow, runs his own farm,
does his own cooking, and lives at
peace with al women, for he lives
without them. As the rest of US
we're married for reasons best known
to ourselves we m 1T Griffs. 1t
was night and the moon cast a halo
Of glory around the fair cottage Of
Griff. But l was thinking Of some
thing more solid than halo so passed
in. The sight that greeted me on
entering was politically grand for
here were tho different extremes
shaking hands-not over the "bloody
chasm,' but over that seductive fluid
elocal option" l invoiced the outfit
and found that the house contained
three Democrats, two Liberals and
FIVE Republicans. The Democrats
and Liberals were not as well repre-
sented As the Republicans, for the
reason that that kind of timber is ex-
cAedingly scarce hereabouts. They
had sent their all. We had . general
hsnd shake and pleasant chat while
Grif dished up the first round OF
''local." Then we had another little
chat and some more "local." Then
. still smaller chat and several DO
GALS Then by way Of variety we
dropped the chat entirely and took
''locar' exclusively. About this time
| felt with the prophet that 81 was
M full, but just had plenty" Then
we passed resolutions and drank
toasts. But G,iff said that AS he was
not politician that he would be a
lay member-"he would lay by the
Jug and drink while we passed reso-
lutions." Just as we had divided the
school fund, giving half of i, to "local
option" . milk faced youth that
Grif had brought from the city arose
and gave toast to "Woman, our
Angel" l thought of Matilda and
sat still, and tho rest of the boys be-
ing married, the verdant had that
toast all to himself It's wonderful
what small dose OF married life it
takes to grind all of the poetry out
Of ones nature. Then we got to
talking politics and took a few more
''locals.' Then things began to look
cloudy to me; everything was on the
swim, in fact, thought that was
the only permanent fixture in the
room. Then We got noisy and
Dragged about the merits of our diff
ferent parties. Then Griff quit Civ
ing us ''local" and gave a Democrat
the lie. Then the Democrat gave
Grif something that laid him down
suddenly and just as | was about to
help Griffith up another Democrat
feeiingly attached bay window to
my rear elevation in the shape of his
boot to which Immediately fled an
objection on the ground that bay
windows were not suited to my style
Of architecture. Then he tried to
fatten me out against the door; but
the door kindly giving way I was
precipitated into the back yard. I
picked myself up hurriedly and
thinking like General Floyd that "he
who fights aud runs away may live
to fight another day." l struck for
home and Matilda. l was long
time getting home; seemed to me
that the rods had grown into miles
but | guess it was owing to the cargo
Of "local" in my matches. Be that
as it may finally appeared in Ma.
,ilda's presence. She looked sus-
piciously at me and asked me where
| had been. did not answer her for
| felt like persons say they feel on
attending funeral, 'too full for Ut
terance." Then 1 steadied myself
and walked as straight as possible
out of Ma,ilda's presence and into
my room. sat down on the edge
of the bed to pull off my boots bu
they didn't seem TO want To part com
pany with my feet, SO | told them to
stay it didn't matter a nickel to me,
] was only passenger any how.
Then pulled my pants off over my
boots and crawlcd into bed with
them on. l was soon sleeping the
sleep Of innocence (?) How long |
slept | know not but was partially
aroused by some one punching me
and calling "Grimes, Grimes, will
l v,,, ,,A~n. -.L. ,..SY IT, -.