Weekly Trinity journal., 1875-04-03
Weaverville, April 8, 1875.
PUTTING AN UNDERTAKER.

I've taken your paper for twentysix
years." he commenced as he reached the
head of the stairs, says the Detroit Free
Press, 'and now / want puff"
He was very tall, slender man, had
face that hadn't smiled since 1912, and
his neck was embraced by white cravat
and his hands were thrust into black
gloves.
I've got new hearse, new stock Of
collins, and | want local notice." he
continued, as he sat down and sighed as
if ready to screw a coffin lid down.
My dear sir" replied the man in the
corner, I've met you at great many
funerals and your general bearing has
created favorable impression. You
sigh with the sighers, grieye with the
grievers and on extra occasions you can
shed tears Of sorrow, even though you
know you can't get 10 per cent. Of your
bill under six months"
" Yes," sighed the unde taker, in
stinctively mes suring the length of the
table with his eye and wondering to him
self why editors tables weren't covered
with Grape, with rows Of coffin nails
around the edges.
Death is solemn thing" continued
the man in tho corner. But still. it is
an occasion when one can appreciate a
neat thing. I've often seen you rub your
knucliles against door-posts and never
change countenance. I've seen you listen
to eulogies on men who had owed you for
twenty years before their death, and you
looked even more solemn than the be-
reaved widow I've seen you back your
hearse up to door in such an easy, quiet
way that it robbed death Of half its ter
rors. All this have seen and appreci-
ated, but couldn't write you puff"
Why not ?" he demanded.
g For many reasons. Now you have
a new hearse. Could go on and say /:
Mr.. Sackcloth, the general undertaken
has just received fine new hearse, and
we hope that our citizens will endeavor
to bcstow upon 1t the patronage that such
enterprise deserves. 1t is handsomely
finished, rides easy, and those who try il
once will want no other Could | say
that ?"
mo, not.very WELL"
"Of course / couldn't. You can call q
grocer or dry goods man genial
friend, and it's all right, bat you aren't
genial-you can't be. It's your business
to be solemn. Ifyou could be more sol
en1n than you are, it would be money in
in your pocket"
That's so," be said signing heavily.
" If it was an omnibus, or n coal cart,
o. whcelbarrow, l could go on and
writo chapter on every separate spoke,
but it ISM, you see."
He leaned back and sighed again.
"And as to your coifins, they are with
out doubt nice coflins, and your prices
are probably reasonable, but could / go
on and say: Mr.. Sackcloth, the under
taker, has just received his new styles OF
Spring coflins, all sizes, and is now pre-
pared to see as many Of his old customers
as want something handsome and durable
at a moderate price Could say that ?"
Another sigh.
" | couldn't say you were holding n
clearing-out sale, in order to get ready
for the Spring trade. or that, for the sake
of increasing your patronage, you had
decided to present each customer with a
chrome. / couldn't say that you were
repairing and painting, and had the most
attractive coflin-shop in Detroit. 1t
wouldn't do TO hope people would patron
ize you, or to say that all orders sent in
by mail would be promptly filed, and
that your motto was : Quick sales and
small profts.'"
He put on the look of a tombstone and
made no reply.
g You see if you had stoves to sell, or
dealt in mackerel, or sold fishing tackle,
everything would be lovely. You are
an undertaken, solemn, sedate, mournful.
Iou revel in Grape, and you never pass a
black walnut door without thinking how
much good coffin lumber was reckessly
wasted, The tolling bell is music to you.
The City Hall flag at haf-mast is fat on
your ribs. We'd like to oblige you, but
you see how it is."
. Yes, see," he sighed, and formed
into a procession and moved down stairs,
looking around now and then to see that
the hearse was just thirty-four feet in the
rear of the officiating clergyman's
carriage.