The daily Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1873-1877, 1875-03-18
OH 9Slailg Aret's.
a SOLEMN SKETCH.
Putting an Undertaken.
From the Detroit Free


I've taken your paper for twenty six
years" he commenced, as he reached the
head of the stairs, land now | want puff. 4
He was very tall, slender man, had a
face which hadn't smiled since 1912, and
his neck was embraced by white cravat,
and his hands were thrust into black
gloves. SIS -5-
I've got new hearse, a new stock of
collins, and L want local notice, he con-
tinued, as he sat down and sighed, as it
ready to screw coffin lid down.
My dear sir, replied the man in the
corner, I've met you at great many
funerals, and your general bearing has
created favorable impression. You sigh
with the sighers, grieve with the grlevers,
and on extra occasions you can shed tears
of sorrow. even though you know that You
can't get 10 per cent Of your bill under SIX
months
Yes" sighed the undertaken, instinct
lively measuring the length OF the table
with his eye, and wondering to himself
why editors tables weren't covered with
Grape. with rows of coffin nails around the
edges
Death is very solemn thing" contin-
ned the man in the corner; but still, it
is an occasion when one can appreciate a
neat thing. I've seen you rub your
knuckles against door posts and never
change countenance; I've seen you listen
to eulogies on men who owed you for
twenty-years before their death. and you
looked on even more solemn than the be-
reaved widow I've seen you back your
hearse up to door in such an easy, quiet
way that it robbed death of half its terrors.
All this have | seen and appreciated, but
| couldn't write puff for you"
My not ?" he demanded.
For many reasons. Now you have a
new hearse. Could I go on and say :; Mr.,
Sackcloth, the genial undertaken, has just
| received fine new hearse, and we hope
that our citizens will endeavor to bestow
| upon it the patronage such enterprise de-
serves. 1t rides easy, is handsomely flu
| ished, and those who try it once will want
no other Could | say that?''
| No, not very well.
''Of course [ couldn't You can call a
grocer or dry goods man genial friend,
and its all right, bnt you aren't genial
you can't be. Its your business to be sol
emn. If you could be even more solemn
than you are, it would be money in your
pocket"
That's so," he said, signing heavily.
IF it was an omnibus, or coal cart, or
a wheelbarrow, could go CD and write a
chapter on every separate spoke, but ii
isn't you see.
He leaned back and sighed again.
And as to your collins, they are doubt
less nice collins, and your prices are prob
ably reasonable: but could l go on anc
say; Mr.. Sackcloth, the undertaken, has
just received his new styles of spring cof
fins, all sizes, and is now prepared to see
as many of his old customers as wan
something handsome and durable at a mod
crate price. Could l say that?"
Another sigh,
Il couldn't say that you were holding ;
clearing out sale. in order to get read.
for the spring trade, or that, TO
the sake of increasing your patronage, yor
mad decided to present each customer will
u chrome. couldn't say that you wer
repairing and repainting, and had the mos
attractive coffin-shop in Detroit. l
wouldn't do to hope that people would pat
ronize you, or to say that all orders sent il
by mail would be promptly filled, and tina
your motto was: Quick sales and small
profits! !"
He put on the look of tombstone, an,
made no reply.
You see, it you had stoves to sell, o
: dealt in mackerel or sold fishing tackle
everything would be lovely You are a
. NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS., sedate, mourntu
{ I GU revel in Grape, and you never pass
/ black walnut door without thinking ho
: much good coffin lumber was recklessl
wasted. The toling bell is music to yoi
: and City-Hall flag at half-mast is fat q
your ribs. Wed like to oblige you, br
you see how it is
Eyes, I see,' he sighed, and he forme
in procession and moved down stairs, looI
ing around now and then to see if I'll
hearse was just "a feet behind the officia
ing clergyman's carriage.