South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1875-06-04
WIT AND fIUMOR.

IA precocious boy was asked which
was the greater evil Of the two, hurting
anothers feelings or his finger. He said
the former. Right, my dear child"
said the gratified questioner, ''and why
is it worse to hurt the feelings?" "Be-
cause you can tie rag around the fin.
gers" explained the dear child.
1"waiter, is this spring chicken?
Most remarkable fowl ever attemptd
an assault upon" Eyes, sir. nice spring
chicken; nothing else at this establish.
ment. Don't you see, sir, it springs
every time you try to put knife into
it9" Customer realizes the sad fact
and after half an hours futile exercise
OF the knife and fork, calls for plate
OF hash.
IAvery funny story is told OF q
Cook County Granger by the Chicago
Tribune. He was likewise an Adventist,
and on the last night set down for the
end Of the world, he put on his ascension
robes and mounted one Of his stacks of
hay. Presently he fell asleep. Peace.
fully he dozed, until just before the rain,
when some heathenish boys set fire to
the haystack and as the flames circled
around him he avoke. He supposed it
was all over, and philosophically re-.
marked; Elm hi, just as expected"
EARNEST IN Hrs LovE.-A newly mar.
ried couple from somewhere down the
Lansing road were riding in Grand
River car, and the groom insisted on
holding the brides hand in his big
red paw.
''Oh! no, don'tp' she said, as she
jerked her hand away.
'Oh luv, let me hold yer hand, Just
for ten minutes p he pleaded.
"Shoo! Don't you see they are looking
Mt us?" she whispered.
They are, eh!" he replied, looking
up and down the car, "Wall, now. Pm
going to put my arm right around We,
and IL any fellow in this car dares to sit
crooked I'll git up'n mop the floor with
him until / wear him to his shoulder
blades 70
His arm encircled her, and the other
passengers looked as solemn as if they
were on their way home from a funeral.
1Why is the South Branch I,telH.
gencer like tooth brush? Do you give
it up? Because every one should have
one Of his own, and not be borrowing
his neighbors.
Ply SKINNY! Ism Dor So?-There
is doubtless such a thing as excessive
promptness in emergencies. Presence
OF mind and determination are admira-
bic qualities in themselves, but it some.
times happens that decision made up.
on the spur of the moment is regretted
upon more deliberate survey of the
field. This remorse seems to have over.
taken lately worthy Dutchman of An
aka County, Minnesota. The Dutch
man was seeking to reach q town at
some distance from Sank Centre, and to
accomplish this must drive over the prai
RE from the latter town. He was unac-
customed to the road and night overlook
him with his vehicle fast i'm a slough and
no town in sight. He sought the solita-
ry farm house visible and asked Dermis.
sion to stay till morning, the farmer tell
ing the traveller, however, that it would
be necessary for him to sleep with the
children or with the farmer himself, as
their accommodations were limited
Quick as lightning. the Dutchman ex-
pressed his resolution not to sleep with
the moderation shildren," so he slept
with the farmer. The rest of the story
may be given in his own language:
We'll, in der mornin, ven we come nit
der sthairs down, / see two girls ABOUT
seventeen und nineteen years old, und
1 ask der old man: PEGS dem girls die
shiltren you told me apout?' und he say
'yaw; dem ish mine only shiltren = und
1 says to myself, py shining Ish dot
so?"-N Y. Com. Adc.
~An editor whose subscribers were
remiss In payment, lately published the
following announcement in his paper
ITO save our readers the trouble Of send.
ing their subscriptions by post, and to
relieve two unfortunates, we shall send
to each Of our debtors, in the course of a
few days, two collectors, one of whom
has hardly recovered from the small.
pox, and the other of whom has lust Ia
ken the itch" The delinquents did
not wait to be called on, but paid their
dues promptly.
" A lady went into a carpet-store
recently and pointing out carpet asked
the proprietor: Brussels" quoth the
lady, passing her hand over it. Seems
to me the BRUSHES don't stick up much"
IVA penniless young lawyer asked
millionaire for his daughters hand. 81
shall give my child hundred thousand
dollars on her wedding day" answered
the merchant. ut is pretty little sum /;
enough to provide breakfast for the fa.
mily. Now, will you have the kindness
to tell me how you propose TO furnish
the dinners?" "Oh for that matter"
returned the abashed youth, 'those who
have bieakfasted 80 we'll will not need
any dinner at all"
IVA certain eminent lawyer is cele.