South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1875-03-12


=, GA statistican estimates that court.
ships average three tons Of coal each.
IA Watertown reporter was sacked
by his girl because he did not have beard
enough to tickle her face.
U"what are you doing there?" said
. grocer to fellow who was stealing
his lard. IL am getting fat" was the
reply.
~ At a Juvenile party one little fell
low, rejoicing in the splendor of his new
clothes, went up to another with the tri-
umphant remark: "You amt dressed
rs we'll as i am" WELL" retorted the
other, Il can lick you, anyhow"
IVA Hoosier named Pigg has petit
toned the Legislature to change his
name. They called his children piggies.
HA fastidious boarder, Mt cheap
establishment in New York, lately APP
peared at the table when rather unsa-
worry ham presented itself for discussion.
1t looked well, but said the boarder to
the host, "How horrible il smells -
WELL" replied his keeper, what O.
that? Take hold, man; you come to
the table to eat your victuals, not to
smell EN-
II The landlord Of hotel in Boston
entered, in angry mood, the sleeping a.
partment ola boarder and said: Now,
Sir, want you to pay your bill, and you
must I've asked you for it often e.
nough, and tell you now, that you don't
leave my house till you pay it." Good -
said his ledger; '.just put that in writ
ing; make q regular agreement of it;
I'll stay with you as long as live
liza gentleman, walking with two
ladies, stepped on q hogshead hoop that
few up and struck him in the face
Good gracious % said he, (which of
You ladies dropped that?"
EITHER.-A tall, lank darkey, saws
the Detroit Free Press, entered the rooms
of the aid and relief society the other
day and inquired:
docs you give out pervisions heahP"
Yes, we aid the poor here replied
the agent; what do you want most?"
wall, my heart is sot on spring
chicken" replied the darkey, "but if de
chickens is out I'll take can of listers
and two pounds of butter. isn't gw:ne
to be capshus, cause its hard times"
S"I think can suit you to hair"
said boarding house landlady to
bachelor applicant who had been stating
his requirements. "Suit me to a hair,
madam / hope not that's what my
last landlady tried to do, and gave me
three samples in the butter
@A yarn is told Of pater fi,n,aias
who told his young hopeful that he could
not afford to furnish both butter and
molasses for his cakes, and that he must
choose one or the other. Quoth the lad,
PA, I've got two cakes. I'll take but
ter on one and molasses on the other.
please"
"A soldier of cavalry regiment
was brought up for stealing his CON-
rade's liquor ration. He was an Irish
man, and his defence was unique: 'Td
be sorry indade, sur to be called thief
Pat chC liIuOi III tilC SdUIt JULIO, Iuu
mine was at the bottom: and sure, 1 was
obliged to drink his to get out me own ~
HWilliam Butler is negro Justice
of the Peace in Nashville, Tenn. In
case recently tried before him, Fanny
Taylor got a verdict of six dollars for
washing bill. Justice Butler took the
money from the defendant, and refused
to give it to the plaintiff. His judicial
opinion is reported to have been: Fan
ny, dis money jes squares de count dat
You owed me. "Fll freeze to it. honey"
Fanny entered an exception to his hon
or's ruling, on the ground that he was
IAN old thief" and then he knocked out
her front teeth and kicked her into the
street.
Two BEARs.-Once upon time there
lived an old couple known far and wide
for their interminable squabbles. Sud-
denly they changed their mode of life,
and were as complete patterns of conju-
gal felicity as they had been of discord
n neighbor, anxious to know the cause
OF such conversion. asked the good
wife to explain it. She replied "Me
and the old man have got on we'll e.
nough together ever since we kept two
bears in the house" 1.-TWO bears - was
the perplexed exclamation. Eyes, sure"
rejoined the old lady-"bear & forbear."
A CLOSE SHAyE.-An exhibition was
given in bingham, Mass, some two
months since, by Tom Thumb, at which
the prices were twentv.nva centa for
those over ten years of age, and twelve
and a half cents for those under. II
was Jonny's tenth birthday. and his cous.
in May, aged thirteen, thought it TO be
her duty TO celebrate IL by taking him.
IN the afternoon TO see the dwarf. Ar.
irving at the door, she put down thirty.