The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1875-05-19
MISCELLANY.
BUSINESS R1vALRr.

There was Hubbard He drove up to the
door, unloaded sewing machine and said, if
we wanted machine which would do all
kinds of work, run easily, hem, tuck, rufile,
gather, and bca thing of JOY forever and for
ty days more, we shouldn't fail to buy the
Lightning Singer" bought it, and when
aftera week. he wanted certificate, cheer
fully wrote one
"This is to certify that l have had a
Lightning Singer in my house for some
time past, and wouldn't be without it for
twice its cost. 1t hadn't been in my honse
half day before my son recovered from the
whooping- cough and my wife found ten COL
lar bill on the sidewalk think 1t the best
machine ever made can't bear to 60 to bed
and leave it,"
He said he was ever so many times obliged,
and he hadn't got out of sight before Kilroy
drove up with the "Thunder & Biazes " ma
chine. He began to snuff at the other ma
chine said we'd been terribly humbugged,
and that his machine was the only first-class
machine in the market.
My wife began to cry, and he soothed her
by offering to trade his machine for the other,
which he could sell for old iron, and $50 to
boot. We made the trade. He said the
"Thunder and Blazes I" would make any kind
of stitch, sew any kind Of fabric, and outrun
anything but locomotive. He came around
the next week with certificate all written
out, and signed it:
"This is to certify that have gained ten
pounds of flesh per day since purchasing your
! machine, and that my wife hadn't run it hall
an hour when her uncle died and left her
5000, 900. Not one Of the children has had a
cold since the day the "Thunder s. Blazes y
came through the gate. 1t plays easily, the
strings are not liable to snap, the stops are
easy to manage, and it is the only machine in
the world which can be operated by red
headed woman with cork-leg. can stay
out until eleven o'clock at night now, and my
wife hasn't word to say. Formerly she usef
up four rolling pins, costing two shilling'
each; per week."
Then McManus came. l told him / had the
best machine in the market, and he asked te
look at it. He hadn't fairly got his eyes OF
the "Thunder & Blazes before he commerce
ed to laugh.
"Ho-ho-ho u he shouted, as he dropped
on chair--"it will kill me-did you ever
oh | ho-ho ~
/ sternly asked the cause Of his hilarity,
and he replied that Kilroy had swindled us
/ taken us Indicated us stone blind. The
"Thander and Blazes wasn't worth a cent,
he said--was an old machine invented by a
blind man and patented by fool.
/ My wife began to weep.
"But," said McManus, there was his ma
chine, the Chained Earthquake 1t was The
machine, and all others were base limitations.
We might try it, and If we didn't like it, he
would cut his throat with saw. We tried 1t,
and when be came with his certificate, sign
ed it:
"This Is to certify that your sewing ma
chine has saved me ten per cent. IN fuel and
twenty per cent. in hay and corn since we pur-
chased it. licked an alderman, pulled a
schoolmaster's nose, and kicked a member Of
the Legislature the second day after we goi
the machine and we hadn't owned it week
whom found where could get trusted foI
meat and wood, and discovered -four shed
unlocked. 1t viii sew anything from leg Of
mutton to New Hampshire mountain. =