The tribune. [volume] (Beaufort, S.C.) 1874-1876, 1875-06-16

| years Will DC worth the sum OF SOO,-
100000. will go out to California for
my health, and will very wisely invest
all my money in mining stocks; stocks
will rise in such manner rs to intense
ly amaze everybody; new and prodigi-
GUS deposits of gold and silver will be
found; bonanzas will be discovered, and
! will soon find myself the richest man
in the world. I will be the first bill
lionaife in the country. The President
will send me an autograph letter con-
graduating me, and rendering me the
portfolio of the secretary of the treas
ury. I will then go to Europe, and
visit all the old towns, and ruins, and
cathedrals, the Tower of Pisa, the
ruins of Hercrlaneum and Pompeii,
and all the other curiosities.. 1 will
visit the Bending Pillars of Staffa and
| write scientific article about them,
which will be printed in iScribner's
Monthly with illustrations. After re-
cuperating, will come home ready for
business. will be chosen rs Senator
In Congress. My maiden speech will
produce q profound sensation. I will
speak rs follows:
"MR. PRESIDENT AND HONORABLE
SENATOR'S: On this august aud sublime
occasion it is but natural cheers that I
should feel diffidence-a great diff
dence [sobbing in the gallery in address
| ing your honorable honors upon the vast
your honorable honors that I represent
a great people-a grand people [sensa-
tionl-a noble people-a godlike peo-
pie" Immense weeping in the gallery,
and such tremendous applause that the
honorable speaker was unable to pro-
ceed
will be the most popular, wittiest,
and wisest man in the country. There
will be great many little paragraphs in
the newspapers about me. When 1
like this in the papers: "The Hon. -,
of Illinois, gave dinner at Delmonico's s
yesterday to n select company, among
whom were the veteran Thurlow Weed,
Horatio Seymour, Whitelaw Reid, Will
liam Cullen Bryant, A. T. Stewart,
Theodore Tilton, William B. Astor.
! Commodore Vanderbilt and Susan B.
Anthony. The dinner was the most
magnificent ever given In the city, there
being the unprecedented number of
forty courses; the extraordinary spectacle
! of deer1s eyes floating in green-turtle
soup was seen for the first time. Five
hundred different kinds of wines graced
the table The Hon. -, of Illinois,
was the wittiest man ut the table. The
meeting is supposed to have political
significance. The entertainment cost
the enormous sum of $40, 900, which the
Hon. -, of Illinois, paid before
leaving the establishment. 1t was in
every respect far more brilliant and
dazzling affair than the dinner given
some years ago by the late Sir Morton
Peto."
When visit Chicago the papers there
will have the following: /" The Hon.
-, of Illinois, is occupying parlors at
the Palmer. Yesterday afternoon he
held levee in the Ladies' Ordinary;
more than five Thousand citizens called
upon the honorable gentleman; tonight
there will be torchlight procession, and
fifty tar barrels will be burned in honor
of the distinguished guest"
Sometimes the following item con-
cerning me will be seen in the papers of
most any city: "The Hon. -, of
Illinois, was lately in this city transact
ing important business connected with
railroad interests. The supposition is
that he is making an immense corner on
Western stock. He was very mysterious
and nd.noncommunicative and it is said his
appearance here created terrible futter
in monetary and political circles"
This paragraph will go the round:
on the steps of the custom-house in this
city yesterday, swinging a gold tooth
pick istlessly in his right hand, when a
poor bootblack approached him, and
asked the favor of -blacking his boots;
the honorable gentleman, in dignified
manner, allowed him to do SO; when the
job was done, the honorable gentleman
said, in n bluff manner: whats the
bill2' 'Ten cents, massa,' replied the
bootblach. The honorable gentleman
Immediately made him check for $1O,-
1000. He is descendant of noble
French family, is a very eccentric man,
and is widely spoken of as a candidate
for the Presidency"
L will be elected President of the
United States. My inaugural address
will commence: Fellow-citizens of
Maine, of New Hampshire, of Vermont,
of Rhode Island, of Connecticut, of New
York, of New Jersey, of Del'-
At this point my soliloquizing was un-
tremendously interrupted by the
groceryman, who rushed into my Office
and presented the following:
II. Vincent, to Toby Smith, DIR.
10 balance on eggs. .....................S so
"My friend" said I, looking at him
in reproachful manner, 81 have Just
learned of the death of my grandfather.
l cannot transact any business for many
days" He left. In five minutes an
other man came in with an account of
thirty seven and half cents for mer-
chandise. Said to him, in q mournful
voice: "I just learned few minutes
ago Of the unexpected decease of nav