Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1875-12-24
THE MAN WHO WAS MAD.
BY NJ. QUAD.

"Dum fraud on 'Merican people
blest Fl don't sue somebody" he kept
growing.
[ thought that his trunk had been
smashed by the sportive baggage
masher, or that some one had played
the string-game on him; and as he
kept growing worse and worse instead
of better / finally asked:
''My friend do you often have these
fits Of colic?"
"Colic! colic!n' he roared.
"Yes, collie. I think I have, some
peppermint in my satchel."
sYou 60 to Texas" he growled,
whipping the dew of excitement from
his double-chin.
81 won't do it, sir. When | come
across man suffering as You are now
suffering l shall make every effort to
better his condition.
"Suffer thunder! | am as well as
you are"
"Then why these groans and sighs-
these oaths-this maltreatment of gen.
teel language"
He looked at me savagely for min
ute, and then asked:
"Ever been to see the tomb of Wash
ington:"
"No,"
"Then shake" he exclaimed, ex-
tending a fat hand over the back of
the seat.
We shook.
I'm an old mule-a fool-an IDIOT
he went on.
81 know it! l realized it the mo-
ment | set eyes on you"
"You are iar!-and I've just got
back from Mount Vernon" he gasped.
And then he lowered his voice to a
whisper, and told me that business
had called him to Washington. Before
leaving home his wife had e1acted a
solemn promise from him that he
would go down to Mount Vernon and
gaze upon all that remained of the
great Father of his Country.
"And l went!' he continued, rails
ing his voice two or three stories and
a basement higher all at once-"went
down there like q dunn"
/ asked him to hold on for my sake,
and he waited minute and then con-
tinued:
"Father of his Country be hangedv'
"But he wasn't"
"No, he wasn't, and I'm fool -
| made no reply, and after he had
wiped his chin and dug cinder out
of his eye he continued:
''George might have been all right,
but I'll tell my wife just what | think
of her when | get home!'
"You saw Mount Vernon, did you?"
He made a motion as if he would
strike me.
"And you saw Washington's family
mansion, did you:"
"See here, young man." he gasped,
making five distinct motions with his
fingers, '.they were cooking onions in
that house-in that memorable old
mansion which has been engraven up
on the heart of the American patriot
as if it had been cut there with a
knife.''
"They were?"
"Strue as | live they were! l smell
ed onions when | first got off the boat,
and the nearer / got to the house the
stronger grew the smell. Think of
onions and George Washington, will
you?"
Il will"
He wiped some more, and in an ag-
itated voice he continued:
'.George Washington was blasted
camel for living on such farm as
that-fifteen miles from market-clay
land-no place for an underground
stable, and such a housew
at is sacred old house."
eyes, l know it, and dunn me fi'd
give hundred dollars for it to-day
Washington, sir, didn't know enough
- -to. .rlap q corn-crib, STRIP
,tntf- looked around
81 did, sir. The smell of onions
followed me from room to room, and
right in the room where George breath
ed his last what do you suppose l saw?'
ga goat?"
"a goat! Nav! A woman, sir-a
woman who doesn't know any more
about American patriotism than I do
about hanging shirts right end up on
the clothes-line-was cooking billed
dinner in that room! !!-lf4h e Ff4hiiaEof the
smell of carrots, cabbage, taters, tur-
nips, and corn-beef that pervaded the
atmosphere of that sacred room"
"And you saw his tomb?" l asked
after awhile.
II did. A red-headed young man,
chewing hunk of gum as big as the
end of my thumb, sir, led me to the
place."
"And you felt sad?'
II wanted to feel sad, sir-I was
just beginning to feel sad-when that
Internal red-headed young man got
that hunk of gum in his windpipe,
and had to dance him around, maui
him on the back, and roll him over
the grass to save his life. How could
| feel sad, sir, under such circumstan-
ces? How could my soul get down to
her work under those conditions?"
"And you finally came away?"
eyes, | finally came away, and
makes me mad to think of it. While
I was waiting for the boat and trying
to feel sorry about Washington's death
lame man came up to me, and-oh
how mad | am!-what do you think
he wanted?"
"Wanted to trade iaok-knives?"
''Thunder, no! Sir. will you be
lieve me, sir, when l tell you that tha
| miserable scoundrel wanted to sell MI