The anti-monopolist. [volume] (Saint Paul, Minn.) 1874-1878, 1875-09-06

To pardon or to bear it.
An Englishman was lately struck BY
lightning out West, and they spoke of him
rs "blarsted Britisher.'
A mourning widower declares that moth
ing brings him such affecting memories Of
his dear, dead wife as to stumble over .
flat-iron.
A Pennsylvania boasts that he makes q
soap that would wash politicians char
| acter white as snow" There must be .
good deal Of ''lye" about that soap.
A boy who is not strong enough to spade
up small onion-bed between now and the
middle Of next week, will dig over ten
acre lot before breakfast looking for bait.
| A wag, in "what he knows about farm
ing" gives very good plan to remove Wild
ows' weeds. He says q good-looking man
has only to say: ''Wilt thou? and they
4 wilt
louisville car-drivers are an emsciated set,
all from excessive blasrhemy. 1t Is rarely
that q Louisville girl drops her foot upon
the tall-board of . bt btail car without lift
ing the front wheels off the track; and this
wears on the driver!"
"Do you enjoy going to church now?'
asked q lady of Mrs. Darlington. "La me,
l do, said Mrs. Darlington. Nothing does
me so much good as to get up early on Sum
day morning and go to church and hear a
populous minister dispense with the gospel. >
| A drunken son Of tho forest attempted
recently to tomahawk buzz-saw in Mix.
nesota planning mill. At last advices, they
had found few pieces of the tomahawk,
and were prospecting with microscope for
the man.
| A Cincinnati reviler of Louisville says:
A fussy and over particular young lady
was having her photograph taken, and just
as the operator got her down to the "per-
fectly still business" she suddenly threw up
her arms and exclaimed: There; forgot
to put my hustle on!' 4sal 4
"What nuisance" exclaimed gentle
man at a concert, as young fop in front Of
him kept talking in loud voice to lady
at his side. "Do you refer to me, sir ?"
threateningly demanded the fop. "Oh, NO
meant the musicians there who kept up
such noise with their instruments can't
hear your conversation, " was the singing
reply.
A married man in Brooklyn thought he
|
his bedroom door one night last week, and
in fit of enthusiasm he chuckcd q half
pint of carbolic acid into the opening. The
next morning his mother-in-law turned up
missing; and there is lingering impress
sion on that mans mind that carboiic acid
is one of the necessities that no newly-mar-
ried couple can afford to do without.
Yesterday, on one of the city railway
cars, was an old man who jammed himself
into a corner, and hadn't word to say for
a long time. Finally, when the car had
filed up and was waiting on switch, the
old man arose. drew q phial from his vest
pocket, and rs he uncorked it and tasted Of
its contents, he remarked in solemn tones:
Ladies and gentlemen, if any of you are
afflicted with piles. this ere stuff will knock
| 'em higher'n q kite in just four dsys!"
The afflicted didn't speak up.
The other day, as woman in mourning
had about finished making her purchases
at Vicksburg grocery store, and the goods
had been placed in vehicle which brought
her in from the country, the grocer asked:
"Wouldn't yer like some nice beans?" She
burst into tears and leaned against the
| wagon What is it, madam-what is the
matter" he anxiously inquired. ibid
you say beans! she sobbei. yes"
sWell, you struck tender chord in my
heart when you said beans; my poor hus-
band called for beans the last thing before
he died. - Hicks6uyg Herald.
| Some Of the company at tea with Dam
bury family spoke Of the excellence Of the
honey, whereupon the head Of the house,
who stands in reputed dread Of his wife,
feelingly said, Honey is the most delicious
of all delicacies. 1t is the nectar Of beauti-
full flowers, slipped from brilliant petals BY
the never-tiring bee, and moulded into glory
that would tempt the god Of" "Eph-
RAN u enunciated his wife with stern So
lemnity, shave you been drinking again."
Ephrism .groaned. .rns
A member Of colored church was the
other evening conversing earnestly with an
acquaintance, and was seeking to have him
change into better paths; but the friend said
that he was too often tempted to permit him
to become q Christian.
awhar's yer backbone, dat ye can't rose
MP and stand temptation" exclaimed the
good man. 81 was dat way myself once.
Right in dis yere town ! had chance 70
steal . paro' boots-mighty nice ones, too.
Nobody was OAR to see me; and reached
out my hand, and de debbil said: Take
'em!. Den good sperit whispered fur me
to let dem boots alone"
can you didn't take 'ems.
mo, ssh!-not much! l took . pare
cheap shoes Of de shelf, an LEI dem boots
alone."
The following delightful interchange Of
compliments took place at hop given ct
one Of our fashionable watering pisces last
week. Middle-aged party envious Of the
belle Of the room, and determined to put
her down: "How admirably your dress
maker has altered your dress! vow / hard
y recognized it - the one you wore Lest
yearl'' Young party, with outraged feel
ings, owing TO the consciousness that the in
suited garb had come direct from worth's,
and was now worn for the 6rst time: ..Yes,
it is nicely done, Think. By the way, ten
me, Mrs. &, where did you procure
your new teeth they are perfectly lovely !;
but ! must say that ! like jour last years.
false hair much better than that you now
wear!" Stately courtesies on both sides,
49, A.