American citizen. [volume] (Canton, Miss.) 1864-1890, 1875-05-29

| Congress. My maiden speech will pro
duce a profound sensation. will speak
| as follows:
Mr.. PRESIDENT AND HONORABLE SENA.
ToRs-On this august and sublime occasion il
| is but natural [cheers] that should feel great
| diflidence [sobbing in the gallery in address
Ing your honorable HGnors upon the &c vas,
Honorable Honors that represent a great
| people, grand people lsensationl-a noble
people-a godlike people. Immense weep
| ing in the gallery and such tremendous ap-
plause that the Honorable speaker was un-
| able to proceed
will be the most popular, wittiest
and wisest man in the country. There
will be great many little paragraphs in
the newspapers about ne. When l visit
New York there will be something like
this in the Herald and Tribune: 'The
Hon. -, of Illinois, gave a dinner at
Delmonico's yesterday to a select COM
pany, among whom were the veteran
Thurlow Weed, Horatio Seymour, White
law Reid, William Cullen Bryant, A. T.
Stewart, Theodore Tilton, William B.
Aston, Commodore Vanderbilt and Susan
B. Anthony. The dinner was the most
magnificent ever given in the city, there
being the unprecedented number of forty
courses; the extraordinary spectacle of
deer's eyes floating in green-turtle soup
was seen for the first time. Five hun
dred different kinds of wines graced the
table. The Hon. -, of Illinois, was
the wittiest man at the table. The meet
ing is supposed to have a political sig
nificance. The entertainment cost the
enormous sum of $40 600, which the
Hon. -, of Illinois, paid before leav-
ing the establishment. 1t was in every
respect a far more brilliant and dazzling
affair than the dinner given some years
ago by the late Sir Morton Peto"
When visit Chicago the Tribune and
Times will have the following: The
Hon. -, of Illinois, is occupying par
he held a levee in the Ladies' Ordinary !;
more than 5000 citizens called upon the
honorable gentleman; tonight there
will be q torchlight procession, and fifty
tar-barrels will be burned in honor of
the distinguished guest"
Sometimes the following item concern
ing me will be seen in the papers OF most
any city: 1.-The Hon. -, of Illinois,
was lately in this city transacting i'm
portant business connected with railroad
interests. The supposition is that he is
making an immense corner on Western
stock. He was very mysterious and nom
communicative, and it is said his appear
ance here created q terrible hutter in
monetary and political circles"
This paragraph will go the round:
"The Hon. =, of Illinois, was stand
ing on the steps of the Custom House in
this city yesterday, swinging gold
tooth-pick lisIlessly in his right hand,
when poor, colored bootblack ap-
backing his boots; the honorable gentle
man, in a dignified manner, allowed him
to do so; when the job was done the
honorable gentleman said in a bluff man.
ner: What's the bill?' Ten cents.
massa,' replied the poor negro. The
honorable gentleman Immediately made
him a check for $4,000. He is a de-
scendant of noble French family, is a
very eccentric man, and is widely spoken
of as candidate for the Presidency"
will be elected President of the
will commence: "Fellow- citizens of
Maine, of New Hampshire, of Vermont,
of Rhode Island, of Connecticut, of New
York, of New Jersey, of Del"
At this point my soliloquizing was I'M
tremendously interrupted by the gro
ceryman, who rushed into my office and
presented the following:
H. Vincent to Toby Smith, DR..
To balance on eggs. -
my friend" said I, looking at him in
q reproachful manner, az have just
learned of the death of my grandfather.
cannot transact any business for many
days" He left. In five minutes
another man came in with an account
of thirty. seven and one-half cents for
merchandise. Said l to him, in a
mournful voice: II just learned
few minutes ago of the unexpected
decease of my grandmother, aged
ninety-six. The things of this world
have no interest for me-" and bowed my
head upon the table and groaned. He
left the room deeply moved. In about
five minutes in came a red-headed man
and asked if l could pay him five cents,
the balance owed him on herring.
Sir," said l, in lugubrious tones, Z" but
q moment ago received q telegram i'm
parting the sad intelligence of the sudden
demise of my father and mother. They
were simultaneously attacked with apo
plexy, and passed away together. l will
be unable to transact secular business for
many months excuse my emotion" As
/ made this remark clapped my hand
kerchief to my eyes and counterfeited
intense grief. The man went away in
tears. Fearing that another creditor
might come along l left the office and
went home. 1 felt exceedingly small
after the dissipatioQhOf my splendid day
dream, and determined to put an end
to my desire for wealth. / got an old
loaded it heavily. went
behind the house. placed it against my
forehead and fired. l blowed out my
brains, and / have felt better ever since.
Hurry Vincent, in Chicago Tribune.