The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1875-07-31

While this dear answer breaks upon my prayer
IN cOeIa fues."
VARIETY.
.s No, SIR" said weary-loOking man on
street ear to an individual by his side, 50
wouldn't marry the best woman alive; I've been
dry goods clerk too long for that =
After four years, a Michigan lover finally
porad the question, and the girl answered "Of
course I'll have you. Why, you fool yon, we
conld have been married three years ago"
A brightly clever. .Englishman, one of the in
yited guests TO the Concord Centennial, thus
sponded 10 a complimentary toast '' am graf
fled to be here to-day. | am far more gratifed
that l was not here one hundred years ago.
Wit and humOr happily blended
Miss Eastman Of Boston speaks of 50 eyes. as
bright as buttons on angels under-clOthing.
!. 1t Is startling comparison, and the melancholy
part Of it is the suggestion that we fellows have
got to be troubled with buttons over there as
we'll as over here.
Poor Irish woman with six children to railroad
ticket agent '' Please, sir, give poor wildly
with six orphan children ticket 10 Milwaukee?'
Ticket agent " What have to do with your
orphan children? l amt their father, am p
a. That you amt, sir; their father was a dacent
man.
Western editor thinking to stock his depleted
lar,ier. advertised g Poultry taken in exchange
for ADVERTISING The villainous compostor, see
ing his opportunity to pay up a long-standlng
Qrndge, set it up: g Poetry taken,' ETC., and
since that time the Office boy has been clearing
fifty cents a day from the waste paper man.
A SINGULAR NAME-The most singularly- manned
man in New York is Walter r. T.. Jones-the-
middle initials standing for Restored Twice. His
parents first had q son called Walter, who died
Another boy was born to them, and christened
kt,o Eraf viii Walter Rpaf0rnd
He died, and third male child was born, and re-
ceived the name he nows bears, Walter Restored
TwiJe Jones.
Business seems to be duh in San Antonio,
Texas lust now The Herald says: 80 Times are
so hard that when the boy who goes out on Sat
urday 70 collect bills for dry goods establishment
comes home with seventy-fye cents, and has the
ceiling of his pants worn out by the boots of the
customers from whom he has collected it, the
proprietor regards it a good day for coilec-
tions."
female physician practicing in Minnesota,
lost her husband recently, and gave his body TO
medical institution for dissection. lew days
afterwards brother of the departed arrived from
a distant city to visit him. not having heard OF
mis- death, and the sad news was conveyed Dy the
enthusiastic widow in this style '' Poor Tom 10
dead /; but didn't he cut up splendidly we got
his liver in glass Jar. Would you like TO see
it2''
An Undergraduate Cambridge, who found
che following anon Z c questions on his examln-
alton paper, g Why w.. 79t pin stand on It's
point ~ elaborately explained the matter thus;
% l. A pin will not stand on its head, much less
is it possible it should on its point. =. point,
according to Euclid, is that which has no parts
and no magnitude. A pin cannot stand on that
which has no parts and no magnitude, and there
fore pin cannot stand its point B. 1t Will II
you stick II m
A pedestrain passing along MacOmb street,
San Francisco, recently, saw father Staggering
drunk, being led along by ragged son, ana ne
felt so mad that he exclaimed: '' See here, yon
dehased sot, If you had spark of manhood IN
your rum-burned soul you would not make such
a public spectacle as this '' MfZzer, replied
the man. reaching out his hand to shake, 80 miZ-
zer I've been drunkard FIR thirty-four years,
and zhese are the fust kind words zhever spoken
20 me- Gimme hand, mizzer-Im going to re-
form right away"
Here is a poet who says
"P@ sitting sadly On the the strand. strana. ,,;,,
I idly fold ny hands and think"
Whilst he is sitting the strand with idle :olded
hands his family at home may be suffering for the
necessaries of life. He should skirmish around
before the day slips slowly by, and secure Job
at digging a cellar.
HoPE IN THE FEMALE BREAsT.-Ata a recent trial,
an Aberdeen Young lady got into the witness-box
10 be examined when the following conversation
took place between her and the opposing counsel ;
Counsel 90 How old are youF Miss Jane ;
Oh, well, sir, am an unmarried woman, and
dinna think 1t right to answer that question
The Judge: 'sOh, yes, answer the gentleman
how old you are Miss Jane: " Weel-a-weel,
am fifty Counsel: :" Are you no more!
Miss Jane 'Weel, 1 am sixty" The inquisi-
tive LAWYER still further asked if she bad any
hopes OF getting married, to which Miss Jane
rsSIied, % Well, sir, L wanna tell 4 lee, hinna
lost hope yeti scornfully adding, 50 but widna
marry YOU, for am sick and tired o yonr palaver
already"
Old Sharks was married four times, and sew
araI wears after the death of his last wife they
started new cemetery up there at Pencadder
Sharks bought n lot, and determined to remove
his sacred dust from the old graveyard Somehow
or other in taking the remains over to the GENE
rerv in the wagon, they were hopelessly mixed to-
oether. so that it was utterly impossible to tel
1bich was which Any other man than Sparks
IronId slmplv have taken the chances of having
the reinterments properly made. But ne was al
extremely CONSCIENTIOUS man; and when the sep
ulture was completed, he had lot OF new head
stones set in, bearing such inscriptions as these
81 Here lies Jane (and probably part OF susan
Srarks; Sacred to the memory OF Marlf
Ito say nathing of Jane and Hannah) Sparks
Stranger, pause and drop tear.
For Susan Sparks lies buried here
Mingled IN some perplexing manner
with jane, Maria, and portions OF hannah'