The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1875-01-09
VARIETY.


fused to 90 20 church '' kase he didn't want 70
look there like a huckleberry in pan Of milk.
DIscHARGED--A female cle-k in western
post-Oice was discharged because she spent the
most OF her time in reading postal cards. ~
The MEAsEsT MAN.-Hyannis claims the ban
ner for the a. meanest man." lie stole n bushel
or oniOns-and that. too, from a minister.
ASTIcIPATIoNs OF REvEGE.-In Scotland it is
customary, when n death occurs in a family, to
send the neighbours invitation to attend the
funeral. A ''gud auld wife, was passed over
in one Of these dispensatiOns, and, with heart
full Of indignant grief, she watched the funeral
gathering round her neighbours door. IL was
finally TOO much for her, and she exclaimed, in a
tone OF forced resignation, Z" AweeI, aweel, we'll
hae n corpse o. our ain in our house some day |!
See then wha'Il be invited 90
joaquin Miller was lately IN Rome, and the
correspondent Of an American contemporary tells
how he looked and " took on at evening re-
eeption, where he neglected both brOadcloth and
gloves his hair hanging over his forehead, and
his thin boots being without polish. /" That's
joaquin Miller" said my partner; he is living
down in the theatre Of MarceIlus, among the old
iron and scrap shops, studying the people and
negIecting the form and ceremony which society
imposes ON all but its pet lions | was seated
with him later, when he was invited by q lady TO
dance. He declined, with the excuse that he had
retired from the carpet since he got a bullet in
his leg. Perhaps Mr.. Miller would give the
war-dance.' suggested gentleman near 'Oh,
do, Mr.. Miller = pleaded several young ladies at
once. We'll now, said he, it was only two or
three evenings ago when, after being begged for
an hour and half, / agreed to try the war-dance,
but I had scarcely begun preliminaries when the
ladies objected, and Of course had 70 give il up.
Why. how strange, Mr. Miller What did you
do P Naturally said he, was going to dance
is in costume, but hadn't gone any farther than
taking of coat and vest when the people objected,
as told you
MARX TwAIS on ISsURANcE.-At n banquet
given at Hartford, Conn, the evening Of the
9th ult, to Mr.. Cornelius Walford, the we'll
known English insurance author, Mark Twain
delivered the following characteristic speech
which is spoken Of by the CoUrGnf as the feature
Of the occasion
MARK TwAIS's SPEECH.
GESrLuES: am glad indeed to assist In well
coming the distinguished guest of this occasion 70
a city- whose fIme an insurance center has ex-
tended to all lands. and given US the name Of the
uuadrupIe band Of brothers working sSeetly hand
an hand-the Colts arms company making the
destruction OF our race easy and conVenisnt, our
life insurance citizens paying for the victims when
they pass away, Mr. Patterson perpetuating their
memory with bis stately monuments, and our
Ere insurance companies taking OF their here
alter I am glad 20 assist in welcoming our guest
first because he is an Englishman, and owe
heavy debt Of hospitality to certain Of his fellow
countrymen; and secondly, because be is IN
Of making many other men east their sympathies
IN the same dIrection-
Certainly there is no nObler field for human
effort than the insurance line Of business. especi-
aIIy accident insurance. Ever since l have been
n director in an accident insurance company
have felt that I am better man. Life has
seemed more precious. Accident has assumed q
kindlier aspect. Distressing special proTIdenees
have lost half their horror. look upon Grip
pIe now with ahectionate interest-as an adVer-
\ Fu-w znu.kww
more. I 10 not care for polItIes. Even agricul'
ture does not excite me. But to me now there
Is n charm about railway collision that is un
speakabie-
There is nothing more bene6eent than aeciden
insurance I have seen entire family lifted
out Of poverty and into athuence oy the simPi'
boon OF n broken leg. have had people come
10 me on erutches, with tears IN their eyes, K
bless this benefcent institution In all my expe
rience Of life I have seen nothing 50 seraphIe q
as the look tha. comes into freshly mutlateS
mans face when he feels in his vest pocket VIII
his remaining hand and finds his accident ticke
all right! And have seen nothing 50 sad as th'
look thAG came into another sPllntered man . lac
wien he found be couldn't collect on n woodeI
leg
that that noble charity which We have named tn
Uartford Accident Insurance Company is an in
stitution which is TO be depended upon. A mai
IL bound to prosper who gives 1t his custom. NJ
man can take out policy IN 1t and not get GRIP
pIed before the year is out. Now there Is ON
INDECENT man who had been disappointed 30 oitei
with other companies that be had grown disbeaTt
ened. his appetite Ieft him. be ceased to smile
and life was but n weariness. Three weeks az
got him to insure with Us, and now he Is ID
BRIGHTEST, happiness spirit in this land-has
good steady income and stylish suit OF ne'
bandages every day, and travels around on
lam informed by Charles E. Wilson, forema
of our patent leg and crutch faetoryIhoTevei
for further information that head will reie
you to our other adyertisements
xxeIcome 10 our guest is none the less hearty be
cause I talk so much nonsense, and know tha
Tcan saw the same for the rest OF the speakers.