South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1875-03-19

news OF q Dank suspension causes MIN
to exclaim BUST away wild We, but you
can't hurt desc here lavender pants"
tySaid Missouri preacher There's
apowerful sight Of giggling back thar
in the corner, and it's got TO be stopped,
or the Lord will delegate me to open
the door and throw some one OUT" 1t
was stopped.
GVA young lady of Danbury whose
company is much priced by an enter
prising merchant took charge of class
of little girls the other Sunday After
the lesson she told the children that if
they wished to ask her any question she
would answer them. 'Will you answer
true?" asked a bright-eyed cherub. Ger
tainly," said the teacher. "Well, then"
said the little one, hesitatingly, A'do-do
you love Mr.. B." The teacher col
lapsed.
~ Bishop Ames tells story of
slave master in Missouri, in the olden
time Of negro vassalage, who said to his
chattel: ''Pompey, hear you are great
preacher" Eyes, massa, de Lord do
help me powerful sometimes" well.
Pompey, don't you think the negroes
steal little things on the plantation?"
Use mighty fraid they does, massa.'-
"Then, Pompey, want you to preach n
sermon to the negroes against stealing"
After u brief reflection Pompey replied
"You see, nrassa, dat wouldn't do cause
it 'twould frow such corness obcr de
meetin'"
V'Teacher-"John you young scapc-
grace, come here, and I'll pay you back
for your impotence to me yesterday''-
Pupil-"No, thank you; | have consci-
entious scruples against taking back-pay
Of that Sort
sVs"Father, what does printer live
on?' 'Live on the same rs other
folks, of course. Why do you ask, John
nie?" Because you said you hadn't
paid anything for your paper; and the
printers still send it to you
Iva Vermont schoolmaster says he
never felt unequal to any demand in the
line of his profession, excepting on one
OCCASION when farmer brought his ff-
teen-year-old daughter to the school, and
walking up to the masters desk, said,
That's my youngest gal, and il ever
you catch her slidin' down hill with the
boys just want you to bounce her
t-S"I see very little of YOU said an
old gentleman ut Louisville ball to q
young lady whom he had not met in
long time before. II know it." was the
artless reply, but mother wouldn't al
low me to wear a very low-necked dress
tonight, the weather is so cold.''
WEBSTER AND TIE BooTBLACK-A
correspondent says: 1T was ut the As
tor House that Webster, wishing to buy
"a newspaper one morYing, put his hand
in his pocket only to find it empty He
declared he had not a penny whereupon
one OF his satellites said
you must be mistaken, Webster. /
saw you have 500 bill just rs you were
going to bed last night, and as You hav-
emit been up haitian hour you could hard
ly have spent it."
II rather think that's So" answered
the god-like Daniel, reflectively. Il did
have 500 bill, l am sure. | wonder
what | could have done with it. Bv
Jupiter, must have given it to the boy
who blackened my boots, five minutes
ago" And that was the fact
tsVAn old farmer purchased some
sweet oil in drug store few days ago,
and being asked if there was nothing
else he laid several packages on the /
counter, held up hand with several
strings tied on the fingers, and said =
Lets see That red string is for the /
bar of soap; that rag is for broom =
that blue cords for calico dress that |
braid means four pounds of sugar and !
this other string is for sweet oil. No, |
nothing more
EVA little girl about six years old
was talking with her uncle.
Uncle-"Millie, did you ever hear of
Curry, the calf-weaner?''
Niece-"No. sir"
Uncle-"There was man. named
Curry, so ugly he followed calc-weaninn
for living. When the calf was with
the cow he would look under on the o.
ther side, and as soon as the calf saw him
it would let GO run off, and never suck
again.
Niece-"Uncle, I think you could
wean 'em quick"
iV' If you tell Vermont man that
carrying six black beans in his vest
pocket wouldn't keep contagious disea.
ses away would set you down as one
who believed the world was fiat.
I-V Many glorious speculation has
failed for the same good reason that the
old Texas Ranger gave when he was
asked why he didn't buy land when it
was dog cheap. A correspondent tells
the story:
well / did come nigh unto taking
eight thousand acres onest.' said old Joe.
,nC,rucr11r- stXptt sc, f,-l, ~ tI,a 49,.