The workingman's advocate. [volume] (Chicago [Ill.]) 1864-1877, 1875-12-18
He Didn't Mean to Insult the Court

Colonel Bangs is very bald, and IN order
to induce his hair To grow again Is using a
very excellent article Of HAIR Nlgur
upon hIs scalp. A week or Two ago he
WAS summoned as Juryman upon case
IN the Circuit Court, and, upon the day al
the trial, Just before the hour at which
the court met, he remembered that he had
not applied the vigOT to ms head that
morning. He had only few minutes To
spar, but he flew up stars, and into the
dark closet where he kept the bottle, and
pouring some fund upon sponge, he rub
bed his head euergeticaliy- BY some mis-
hap the Coionel got hold IF the wrong bot
tie, and the substance NH hich he nun
dated his scalp was uut vlgur, but the black
varnish with which Mrs Bangs decorated
her shoes However, Bangs did not per
ceIve the mistake, but darted down stairs,
but on his hat and walked of to the court
room Ii was warm morning, and by
the time the Colonel reached his destlna
ton the varnish was stiff as a stone. He
felt little uncomfortable about the head,
and he endeavored 10 resove his hat to
discover the difficulty, but to ms dIsmay
ii was unmOvable 1t was glued fast to
the skin. aud HIS ehor1s to take 1t off gave
him friShtful pain
Just then ke heard his name called by
the crier, and he had to 20 into court to
answer. He was wild with apprehension
81 coming trouble; but he took MS seat III
the iury box and determined To explain
the situation to the court at the earliest
posi- bic moment. AS he sat there with a
guilty feeling III his soul, 1t seemed to him
that that high hat kept getting bigger and
bigger until 1t appeared to hun to be az
large as a medium sIz d shot tower. Then
h. was conscious that the lawyers were
staring at HIM Then the clerk looked
hard at him and screamed.
Hats off III COURT and the Colonel
grew crimson in the face Hats off
yelled the clerk aAain, and the Colonel
vas about u reply when the Judge came
IN, and, as his eye rested on Bangs, he
said:
Persons In the courr room must remove
their hats.
Bangs May it please your honor, ]
kept my hat on because
Judge-"Nell, sir, you must take it of
now"
Bangs But | say, 1 kept on, be-
cause
Judge-"We don't want any argument
upon the subject, sir Take your hat of
Instantly -
Bangs-But you don't let me-"
Judge" Remove your hat this mo-
ment, sir. Are you going t. handy words
with me, sir p Uncover your head at
once"
Bangs Judge, if you will only give
me chance to-
Judge-"Thls Is intolerable Do you
mean to insult the court, sirl d. you
mean to profsne this sacred temple Of lust
ice with untimely levityl Take your hat
off, sir or / will fine for contempt. Do
you hear me
Bangs-"Well, its very hard that
cant say a word by way Of ex-"
Judge warmly This is too much
This is Just a little too much Perhaps
you'd like to come upon the bench here
and run the court and sentence few con
victs You've got more audacity than a
mule Mr.. Clerk, fine that man fifty dol
lars Now, sir, remove your hat
Bangs-.'Judse, this is rough on me,
Judge On furious rage won't do
it yet Why, you Impudent sc1undrel !
I've a notion to, Mr.. Clerk, fine hun
800 more, and Mr.. Jones, you 20 and
take that hat off by force.
Then the tipstaf approached Bangs.
who was by this time halt crazy with wrath,
and hit the hat with his stick. 1t didn't
move Then he struck it again and caved
in the crown; but it still remained on
Bangs head. Then he picked up & vol-
ume Of Brown on Evidences" and smash
ed the crown in fat. Then Bangs sprang
at hlm, and shaking his fist under the
nose OF Jones shrieked
2 You .aatton headed scullion . I've
half notion to Kill you If that jackass
on the bench had any sense, he could see
that the hat is glued fast. cart take it
OF if want to-"
Then the Judge removed the fines, a..d
excused him, and Bangs went home. He
slept in that hat for week, and even
when it came of, the top of hrs head
looked as black as if modification had set
it.