Spirit of the age. [volume] (Woodstock, Vt.) 1845-1913, 1875-11-17
Perkins, Remedies.

Some time ago brother Perkins
made up his mind to try to get out of
poverty and the newspaper business
BY invcnting patent medicine. -
After some reflection he concluded
that the two most frequent and most
unpopular forms of inlirmity were
badness Of head and torpldity of the
liver, and he selected the compounds
recommended by the pharmacopHla
as the remedies which he would sell
to the public. One he called "Perk
in Hair Vigor" and the other "Perk.
ms Liver Regulator" Procuring a
large number OF fancy bottles and
gaudy labels, he bottled the medicines
and advertised them extensively, with
certificates of imaginary cures, which
were written out for him by one OF
the editors of the Times whose liver
was active and whose hair was abund
ant.
1t is not at all unlikely that Perkins
would have achieved slccess with his
enterprise but for one very unfortunate
circumstance. He was totally un-
familiar with the preparations, eX-
cepting in so far as the pbarmacopeia
instructed him; and, as iIl-luck would
have it, in putting them up he got the
labels Of the liver regulator on the
hair-vigor bottles and the labels Of the
latter on the bottles containing the
former. Of course the results were
appalling and as Mr. Perkins ha1
requested the afflicted to inform him
of the benefits derived from applying
the remedies he had not sold more
than few hundred bottles before he
began to hear from the purchasers.
One day as he was coming out OF
his office he observed man sitting on
the fire plug with shot gun in his
hand and thunder upon his brow
The man was bare. headed, and his |
scalp was covered by shiny sub
stance of some kind. When he saw
Perkins he emptied one load Of bird |
shot INTO the inventors legs, and he
was about to give him the contents Of
the other barrel when Perkins hob
bled into the Office and shut the door
The man pursued him and tried to
break in the door with the butt of the
gun. He failed, and Perkins asked
him what he meant Ey such murder
Gus conduct
you come out here, and Ill show
you what / mean, you scoundrel, said
the man. You step out here for a
minute and Iii blow the head off of
you for selling me hair vigor that's
gummed my head up 80 that cant
wear a hat and can't sleep without
sticking to the plllow-case. Turned
my scalp all green and pink, too.--
You put your head out that door and
III give YOU more vigor than You
want, you idiot. I expect that stuf'll
soak in and kill me-.
Then the man took his seat again
on the fire-plug, and after rcloading
the barrel Of his gun put on n fresh
cap and waited. Mr.. Perkins remain
ed inside and sent a boy out the back
way for the mail The first letter he
opened was from woman, who wrote:
"My husband took one dose OF your
liver regulator and Immediately went
into spasms. He has had fits every
hour for four days. As soon as he
dies | am coming on to kill the lipHd
who poisoned him
a clergyman in Smyrna wrote to
ask what were the ingeGients of the
liver regulator. He feared something
was wrong, because his aunt had taken
the medicine only twice when he be-
gan to roll over on the floor and howl
in the most alarming manner, and she
had been in comatose condition for
fifteen hours.
A man named Johnson dropped Il
line to say that after applying the hair
vigor to his scalp he had leaned his ,
head against the back OF a chair, and
it bad now been in that position two
lays. He feared that he would never ,
be released unless he cut up the chair
ana wore the piece permanently on
his head. He was coming up to see
Mr.. Perkins In reference to the mat
ter when he got loose, and he was
going to bring his dog with him.
A Mr.. Wilson said that his boy had
put some of the vigor on his face in
order to induce the growth Of mus {
tache, end that at the present moment