Arizona weekly miner., 1875-10-08
Why He Didn't Marry.

"You're not married, believe, Mr
 Hunks ?"
 "No. I've been toerably near it severa times, but somehow I never got there Something always happened to make me miss it. There was Hannah Perkins who lived over here at Hape's Corner. I was in love with that girl, and would a married her. But one night, while l was going to see her she and her sister was in the parlor and after bit Hannah went up stairs a minute. slipped behind the door when heard her coming back so's she'd think I'd gone, and then l was going to jump out and surprise her. Presently she came in, and looking around and not seeing me, she said to her sister:
 ''So he's gone, is he? Thank goodness for that don't know what he comes fooln' round here for, any way. would as soon marry . graven image as him."
 ''At first l thought S'a stay behind the door, the situation was so embarrassing, but concluded it vas best to go; so l came out and said good evenin' and quit.
 That girl never loved me, l know.
 "But it was different with Mary Parrott She accepted me, and when I went to see the old man about it, as soon as I'd try to introduce the subject he'd begin to talk about politics. After while I'd try it again, and he'd instantly switch on to the price of grain, or the best way to cure gIan- ders in horses. I'd let him talk, and when he'd get through I'd jam in remark sos to lead up to the matter, but he'd let on he didn't hear me, and insist on giving his views on womans rights and temperance, and such questions
 "Fiualy l got mad, and bolted it right out that l wanted to marry his daughter, and then he stood up and shook his fist un- der my nose, and observed;
 "l'll see you hung firstm
 "He said also that if he caught me com ing around there again he'd blow me apart with a shot gun. l think old Parrott had a prejudice against me. So staid away.
 "But the next time had better luck. It was the Wilder Miles. She said she loved me. We had all the arrangements made for the wedding and we went to church to get morred. At the door she stopped and, with tears in her eyes, told me that she had turned the matter carefully over in her mind, and although she was willing to be sister to me, she had determined never to marry any man that hadn't Roman nose. eNh NS hNbb n liOSC, lulllu youl Just as if mans nose has anything to do with the emotion of an aflectionate heart. Sacraticed me and broke her solemn vows because l hadn't Roman nose I'd marry a woman with patent leather nose that had to be blown with hydraulic jack, if really loved her.
 "However, afterward whenI got engaged to Sally Bonns, l wasn't sorry, for she and got along first rate until few days before the wedding, when 1 happened to mention that l was fond of toasted cheese and onions That seemed to disgust her somehow, for she wrote me note next day saying that'no man with noble soul could want to fill his stomach with toasted cheese and onions, and consequently she wanted to back out When 1 called to see her and announce that her love was more to me than any prepara- tion ofcheese, her brother sicked the dog on me, and had to get over the fence sudden ly: She subsequently, married man who kept brick yard, and they have had twins twice.
 ''l never seemed to have any luck court ing. the last shy I made was round at Thempson's. l appeared to get along pret- ty we'll with Maria, but every night when l called they wanted me to help the hired man to carry the pianno up or down stairs. 1t used to take the whole evening, and then was so tired that wanted to go home to bed. 1 wrestled with that piano on the stairs, l think, about fifteen times, till at last 1t struck me as curious the fickleness of those Thompson's about that musical instru- ment. l began to have suspicious. So one night when we had the machine up as far as the first landing, and ] was pretty near dead, dropped my end, and went down to l the psrlor to ask what in thunder they | meant by bustling the piano about. The | first thing saw was a young fellow with | spectacles and weak eyes. sitting on the | sofa with his arm around Maria. When | they saw me they laughed. Then I got | mad and said 1 wanted an explanation, and | the feliew in speeks picked up the poker md ordered me 10 leave. He had been in there enjoying himself every night while I vas exercising with that piano. They were married in June.
 'I never tancied any woman since. | lon't ever get fair show. I'm still bache- or
 "Rough, isn't it But luck's against me- These women are so queer, don't under tand them. But what puzzles me is how 'ld Brigham Young ever ropsd in forty of em. There must bs something gorgeous bout that man. He's got the knack of it. 'ut. it beats mel