Helena weekly herald. [volume] (Helena, Mont.) 1867-1900, 1875-04-08
No. 20
Wits Ends.

The last rose OF winter-Zcros. - Worcester
Press.
"Can you spell- = Bat no, We won't.
Wen save it for the next naich.-Pittsb"rgh
Daily Dispatch.
''Hail, gentle spring. SAID Thompson;
and gentle spring nailed and showed too.-
Philadelphia Times.
The only remedy that even Christian Ro-
man has against ve,tlows. is to sit aStride of
the Roof Of his mansion and dam them.-
Rome (Gc.) Sentinel.
1t is noted that all great humorists are sober
and sedate, with II melancholy cas-, of coun-
tennnce. 1t is rather serious business 10 be
funny y.-Richmond Enquirer.
White guest-''You don't mean to say you
intend to occupy this bed with me?' Colored
ditto-"Yes, boss, hut don't 'pologize. can
stand it if you can. .'-G'n1hlc.
We must respectfully decline the pathetic
poem en,led, IL Cannot Tell Il Lie. 1t istoo
iate-and it would have been too late if it had
come earlier r--Rochester Cnion.
When u theatrical critic calls Soldcnc a
''Gordian shape OF dazzling hue. we suppose
he means to convey the idea that she's knot'y
as well as nice. i'roridcnce Press.
Squire Trumb|e. Of Troy, Oakland county,
mas taken anu Ic"u tuC II fct 4 - ~ N'A''A''u-
ously for forty-threc year years. He is still
of tOlerably sound mind. .-DetroH Ere;'ng
Neacs.
A Fond uu Lac man watched Il surgeon
amDutate another's frozen toe and then faint
ed away. and got half the whisky the doctor
had brought for the sick man.-C Chicogo m
ter Ocean.
A Bozep,an, Montana. editor has dog on
the brain. 1t is q phantom. This is encou,ag
ing to as and all others who have long wished
to see phantom dogs superccdc every other
-C0urier-journ0s.
SAYS floating item: Every species of
snake may be permanently driven away from
| an infested place by planting geraniums. In
| this connection would it be impertinen' in us
to sugpest to the editor Of the CUu11er-,jou7nGt
| .h~+ he pla-,t few goraniums in his boos?-
1t. Louis Republican.
Chicago policemen should be furnished
| with telescopes. When one Of them is Off
duty and pursuing his old profession of house
breaking, it is mighty unhandy for him to
have one of his partners on the force fire at
him by mistake, thinking him one of the
common herd of burglars. Neecs.
| \ Flint River man waltzed into Water
street saloon yesterday afternoon in high
spirits. "Im on it," he exclaimed, shying
his hat at the barkeeper, ''big2er than an
lnjun. I'm mouth-slapper from kalama-
| ZOO" and he kicked over Il chair. I'm hun
cry for blackcye,' he yelled. And imme-
diately the popnlace arose and gave him the
grand bounce When he left town he had
enough black eyes about his person to supply
q cheap camp-mec,ing. Bu'li"gton Horhfye.
They got up Il surprise party Thursday
night last ON young married couple, at whose
| house on Sheldon street u similar affair was
one of the social successes last season. The
conspirators were met camly but cordially at
the gate by the husband, who rested on his
shotgun, while his beautiful and accomplish
ed wife, whose face and form were visible
inside the porch, said she WAS very glad to
see them, but she didn't think she could hold
the bulldog back more than q minute longer!
|-CAicago Tribune.
There is certain Senator III Indianapolis
whose wife ought to lead him home by the
ear. The Ssntint1 will not allow him to carry
on another forty days, as he has been doing,
without notifying the contiding creature whom
he left in charge Of the Senatorial homestead.
-Sentinel. The above paragraph was pub
lished Thursday morning, and the grave and
reverends read it over their coffee. AL day
a procession of Senators flied up the tentinel
stairway, paid in years subscription in ad-
vance, and begged the proprietor for Gods
sake to say no more about it.-Lierold.