The Stark County Democrat. [volume] (Canton, Ohio) 1833-1912, 1875-09-02
eMisfeAaneuus.
A TREMENDOUS BATTLE.
Mr., and Mrs. M'SilgGT'S Conflict with
the Rocking Chair.

Old McStinger was going to bed
little wavy the other night, and not
wishing to disturb Mrs. McStinger, who
has tongue like "a rat trail file, he tho't
it Just as we'll not to turn on the gas. He
got on very we'll until he reached the
door of the chamber where his patient
wife lay sleeping. Here he paused
moment balancing on his heels like a
pole on juggler's nose. Then he made
dash for it, in order to made a bee line
across the floor.
Mrs. McStinger, with her usual exem-
plary fortitude, had placed the rocking
chair with such gifted skill that no man
could come into the room without run
ming over it; so the first thing he knew,
McStinger stubbed his toe nail off against
the rocker, which knocked the seat
against the crazy bone of his knee and
made one of the long arms prod him in
the stomach. simultaneously he fell
over the chair crosswise and it kicked
him behind his back before he could get
up from the floor, as he stood on all fours.
The engagement was now fully opened.
When man begins falling over rocking
chairs in dark room, he ought al
ways to have three days rations and for
ty rounds.
Before McStinger could get up straight
his knee came down on one Of the long
rockers behind, and the back of the chair
came down on his head with whack
that laid him out fiat on the floor, and
before he could move, the chair kicked
him three times in the tenderest part of
his ribs with the sharp end of this rocker.
This made him perfectly furious, and ne
sCraplbled up and made blind rush at
the chair determined to blow upthe ene-
my's works. He ran square against the
back. and it rocked forward with him,
turning complete somersault over the
handles, throwing McStinger half way
across the room and landing on top of
him, digging into his abdomen like
BULBS horns, as he lay spread out on the
under side. 1t would have been a
good thing for McStinger if he had lain
Still then and let the chair have its own
way.
1t Law flat on its back with the long
points of the rockers embracing his
abdomen, and didn't seem to want to do
ANYTHING active just then. But McStin-
ger couldn't make up his mind to give it
up vet. He rolled over sideways and up
set the chair. Itfell with crash on its
side, giving him furious dig in the liver
which made him straighten out his legs
spasmodically, barking one shin from the
instep to the knee on the rocker which
hung in the air, and getting the chair on
its feet again, where it stood rocking
backward and forward at him like wary
old ram making feints of bucking its ad-
yersary, in order to throw him off its
guard. The blow in the side nearly fin
ished McStinger, and while lying there
rubbing his wind back again, he was just
beginning to reflect whether his honor
required him to proceed any further in the
affair, when Mrs. McStinger suddenly be-
gan screaming all the names in the
crimes act, under the impression that the
Charley Ross abductors were trying to
commit burglary, bigamy, robbery and
everything else.
Up to this time she had been speech
less with terror, and had lain there trem-
bling, shedding prespiration, and accu-
mulating shrieking power until she had
gained the screaming capacity of camel
back engine. She had just reached her
third gorzando tortisSimo acceterGndo,
when old McStinger succeeded in getting
to his feet once more and became dimly
visible to Mrs. McStinger. With one last
wild parting shrek she sprang from the
bed and made dash for the door, near
which the rocking chair still stood me-
nacing the whole universe with butting
motion. McStinger had no time for in
vestigation just then, and she pitched in
to and over the rocking chair and clear
on down stairs, the chair after her, turn
ing and over, and kicking Mrs. McStinger
every bump, until they both landed in
the hall, below, where the chair broke all
to atoms. This ended the fight
If wives will learn from this sad story
not to leave rocking chairs standing
around the middle Of the room for their
poor husbands to fall over, we shall not
have written in vain.