Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1875-09-29
HUMOROUS.

HUMOROUS.
Mrs. M,iliss has very fidgety boy,
named Sam. He don't mean wrong, but
he can't help it. Nature turned him
out with too much quicksilver IN his
blood. Mrs. Milliss took Sam to church
last Sunday, and was ushered into a
pew in front of nervous old lady. who
had, evidently, come there to worship
her Creator. As Sans head didn't
reach above the back of the seat, he
felt the security of his situation, and
began to wObble about as usual. The
old lady endured it for some time with
Spartan fOrtitude. but when Sam,
having piled up three hymn books.
New Testament, two catechisms, and
an old edition of FOx's Martyrs, ac-
cidentalIy spilled them off the seat. she
leaned over to Mrs. Milliss and said
"What wish to remark, ma'am, is, that
if that boy of yourn's quite well, he
ought to know better, and if he's got
worms, church amt no place for him.
1t made Mrs. Milliss' patrician blood
boil, but it sobered Sam.
Our neighbors, the Briggses, have had
trouble with their maid of all work.
month, and had never seen gas used in
houses. The first night of her stay at
Briggs the family smelt gas strongly
after her retirement. and, upon going
to the room. found that she had blown
the light out. Mrs. Briggs woke her,
and showed her how to turn it off
properly. But the next night fearing
to trust her, Mrs Briggs gave her a
candle to go to bed by. About midnight
Mrs Briggs woke, and, looking out, she
saw that the light was still burning
brightly in the girls room. She went
up to ascertain what was the matter.
She found that the girl, after spending
an hour trying to extinguish the candle
by fumbling with the gas cock, was
now endeavOring to turn Off the candle
by twisting the handle of the candle
stick.
Couldn't Tell a lien Quad relates
that as one of the dozen old women who
drive milk carts around Detroit was
rattleing across the Campus Martius
a chap wearing lavender pants and a
bright blue necktie mOtiOned for her
to stop, and then approached and in
Quired:
"DO you put water in your milk 7"
"Yes, sir,n was her prompt reply.
"Ah, ha! So You own right up, do
you y
"Yes, sir:n t.
Her prompt replies rather staggered
him, but after some hesitation he asked: !:
"And what makes you do it ~
Because it's much healthier for calves
when mixed half and half !" she re-
tOrted.
She waited for him to ask another
question but he couldn't think of any.
"Say, Sinner, what's dat all bout in
de papahs' bout 'tiashun Ob de scurrency,
an wat1 be de feet on shinin 2"
"Flashun Amt you bin reedin' wells
me in de papahs y "Well dOnnO
don't zackly misremembah how it is"
'.YOu fool niggah can't stand nuthing.
It's jes dis: Oars sum'er dem fellers
dat wants ter git dar boots shined twice
wild one ten cent dime; and agin, dar's
sum wat links it aint jestis. Dem fus
ones is fiashunists and de udder ones
is-disfiashunists." Dat is it, jes it, an
don't believe in fiashuns at all dat's
it, de hole subjeck."
$50 p0u want pull-baek dress do
you r. said old RednOse the other day,
when his sixteen-year-Old daughter
prOffered timid request to that effect.
do yOsi know haint been able to pay
yet for that last gallon of rye, and
can't get any more till do, Here you
are wantin' luXuries, when yure father
is suffering for the necessaries of life ~
And old RednOse's nose grew redder
with indignation at the untilial selfish
ness of his offspring.
Said ademure- looking stranger, with
a prayer-bOok under his arm, to an old
resident of San Antonia, Texas !:
"Where can find the Methodist place
of wOrshipf' after you pass the
seventh bar-room on this side of the
street, strike across and take up Sole
dad street, and you will find it one
hundred yards beyond the last beer
saloon on the same street, nearly Op-
posite ten-pin alley was the reply.
"Young gentlemen" said the Judge,
'I want to saw a thing or two to you.
YOu have passed as good an examina-
ton as usual. perhaps better; but you
don't know anything. Like those young
| fellows just back from their graduation
at college, you think you know a great
deal. It's great mistake. If you ever
get to be any account, you Will be
surprised at your present ignorance.
"Era, did you hear that lady's name
that's come to see mamma n "Ies,
Mrs. Abel.n 81 wonder if she's the
mother of those two boys mamma told
us of. And one of them was naughty,
and killed his brother n "What nom
sense, Eva! Why, that happened ever
so long agol If she's anybody. she
must be their grandmOther.h-PuRch.
A little girl came into our house one
day, and some apple-parings lay on a
plate on the table. After sitting while
she said, 81 smell apples ~ 'fes," re-
piled, 81 guess you smell those apple
sparIngs on the plate.n mo, no." said
she, "'taint them smell /; ! smell whole
apples,
not permit her children to eat anything
of which Indian meal constitutes an
| ingredient, for fear that it will make
them savage. 1t must be the same lady
who would not let her children eat
spinach for fear it would make them
green.
as 10 being confiicted with the gout,
said Mrs. Partington, high living don't
bring it on. II Is incoherent in some
| families, and is handed down from
| father to son. Mr.. Hammer, poor soul,
who has been so long i'll with it, disin-
herited it from hiswife's grandmother"
When the poet Campbell died. Samuel
Rogers was asked whether he would
Subscribe to statue of his brother poet,
Certainly" answered Rogers, "fOr it
will be a great comfort to see Campbell
steady on his legs" Poor Campbell
drank deep. u .p1 Al .-r.
A distinguished parsonage once re-
marked to ,Talleyrand, "ln the upper
chamber, at least, are to be found men
possessed of a conscience. Con
science ~ replied Talleyrand, ito be
sure j know many peer who has got
two" sr' -Ad Et--- l3f-I p
q A Mean Joke: sis Mr.. Brown a man
Iu of