The spirit of democracy. [volume] (Woodsfield, Ohio) 1844-1994, 1875-05-11
Misfezang
The Man Who SwOre Off.

The MAN VINO SWOre OH.
He had been in the habit of taking
three or four "nips'' per day for the
last fifteen years, but on New Years
morning he arose, and said to his wife !:
"Mary Jane Sinner, here I've been
squandering at least dollar per week
for more than dozen years.
"But thought you said glass now
and then aided your Digestion" she re-
piled.
"All fudge and nonsense!' he con.
tinued; "that was only an excuse to
satisfy my own conscience"
Sand I've heard you say that it made
you sleep better-helped you to have a
cless head" she said.
"Nonsense-worst kind of hosh =
I've drank up eight hundred dollars in
the last dozen years, and it hasn't bene.
fitted me one cent"
"Well ?"
"Well, I'm going to quit. I'm going
to commence now. No more drinks
for Sinner after this"
"Good boy-noble husband" she
said. patting him on the chin; "now you
begin to talk like Roman-now you
are going to test your stamina"
Sinner felt puffed up with pride for
an hour or two, and then he began to
feel a goneness along down his throat.
He drank water, cold coffee and milk,
and got through with the day. although
when he went to bed he dreamed that
he was flask of brandy, and that a
member of Congress was carrying him
in his coat tail pocket
AT midnight be awoke with his thumb
in his mouth, just on the point of taking
a ten cent drink, and at daylight he in,
quired of his wife whether it was the
year 1875 or 1876.
That forenoon while he sat in his
Office weak-looking stranger entered,
took a paper from bis pocket, and said
that he was soliciting aid for the Kansas
grasshopper sufferers.
"Grasshoppers be hanged" exclaim-
ed Sinner THE next fraud who comes
in here will get his neck broken!''
His chief clerk spoke to him about
ordering some goods, and he whirled
around and said he wouldn't order an
other dollars worth of goods in ten
years. A young man called to secure a
place, and Sinner threw the coal-stove
shaker, and hit him on the ear.
When he went tos.dinner be Aattered
himself little that be ha6 succeeded in
curbing his inclination to drink, and his
wife patted him on the shoulder and
whispered:
''Samuel, you have got more stamina
than the Car Of Russia"
Going downtown again he entered a
saloon, and asked the saloon keeper if
he honestly thought that a moderate
amount of brandy would affect the
health. p ----
The saloon keeper was sure it would
not. The bottles looked good to Sinner,
and there was pleasant smell as he
leaned over the bar.
When he reached his Office he kicked
a chair over, hoisted the spittoon across
the room, and sat down and dated a let
ter 1877 A lady called to have him
subscribe for new Sunday school, and
he bristled up, and yelled:
"No, o,sir-not red Sunday schools
are killing the business interests of this
country!'
After about an hour he went out and
asked a doctor If three drinks of gin
per day would hurt any one The doc
tor thought not, if they were light
drinks
Returning to the Office Sinner hunted
up an old brandy bottle, and wondered
how they were made, and then threw il
into the coal-box, and went out on the
street and asked life insurance agent
if two or three drinks per day would
hurt a man. Of course they wouldn't
replied the agent.
Going home to supper Sinner asked
three more men, and they all replied
"No." When he reached home he sale
the biscuits weren't fit for cannibals
gave the girl warning to leave, ant
called his wife's brother, who was there
on visit, humpbacked, wilful liar
When Sinner went down town in the
evening he asked three more doctors i
little brandy was hurtful Then ht
went into saloon, and asked for some
pop. He was good while ia drinking
it. and then he asked to look at the la
bel on brandy bottle. When he hat
read it he looked to see if the cork wa:
in tight, and he asked the saloon-keepel
if he thought brandy would hurt any
one
When Sinner reached home that nigh
he threw his wallet at his wife, told thu
hired girl she might stay there FIVE thou
sand years, begging his wife's brother.
pardon, and, as he turned handspring
in the parlor, he broke ont with:
$50, farewell, Mary Ann,
You must do the best you can"
Sinner was tioht.-M Quad.