Buchanan County bulletin. [volume] (Independence, Iowa) 1869-1891, 1875-05-21

Oscar F. Hewitt.

am now able to give an account
from parties who went on the Noah's
Ark expedition.
Noah's crew consisted Of the three
sons, Ham, Sham, and Jam. Ham
was a young colored person, Sham
was chrome vender, and Jam was
hurt coupling cars.
All the arrivals were now in but
the pigs, which were waiting for the
wind to haul sow-east. Noah had
made for himself a pair Of shoes out
Of whaleskins, as he had been accus-
toned to wearing rights and lefts,
and one right whale and one that was
left were just what was wanted.
All being in readiness, Captain
Noah blew the whistle and the boys
pulled in the lines; but just now it
was discovered that the elephants
trunk was left ashore, it having. been
accidently checked for the Black
Hills. The kangaroo kindly offered
the loan of her valise, but the ele-
phant declined this on che ground
that he might be mistaken for car
pet-bagger. Just as the shore was
receding from view, the pilot saw
through his glass gorilla, with his
hair parted in the middle, and shak-
ing a brown parcel for the boat to
stop, but Noah waved him off, pater-
nally remarking, "Go West, young
man."
There was no trouble on ship
board, except with a female giraffe,
who said she would sleep below, be-
cause the sea breeze gave her a stiff
neck. Difficulties were compromised
by putting her neck in the jib.
When well out at sea, Noah learn
ed that he had forfeited his marine
insurance by taking the rhinoceros
aboard. Old rye was prohibited by
the articles of the policy.
The animals were disposed of as
follows: Poultry in the hatchway,
cattle in the bulwarks, cats in the
rigging (the ark was cat-rigged) bears
on the main top sometimes she might
have to scud under bare poles).
In the afternoon Noah told Sham
(who hadn't been sober for fort
night to see if the tide was down to
low water mark. He was observed
soon after gazing intently at the
zebra, evidently mistaking his stripes
for those on the hull of the vessel.
After consultation, it was decided
that the horn of the ungodly rhinoce-
ros must be put down. but 1t was go.
ing to be a good deal of a Job. at
least they thought so when Old Rye
tripped up on the quarter deck, and
inquired with toss of his selfreliant
head, eff any young man would like
to study astronomy from the top Of
that ERE horn?"
That night, Sham, who was shaky
from his fortnight's spree, informed
his brethren ssthat there was snakes
in his boots"
"Don't say a word to get to the old
man," observed Ham, "'cos, you know
there's only pair of each allowed on
board"
This was an old joke, but they all
laughed in turbulent sort of way,
after the manner of the modern Jolly
tars.
Several days out, the ship passed a
baldheaded man. honeysuckled
around the steeple Of meeting
house.
"Ark ahoyr' he shouted.
"Hello, old Egg-Top," trumpheted
Jam, from the main-top. What is
wanted?"
"Want to step in out of the wet,
replied Egg-Top.
Cant be did," said Jam. "Agir
the rules-only one of specie allow
ed on board, and we shipped jack
ass the seventh animal"
"Glad you got in SO early" retorted
Egg-Top, getting astride the vane
and whistling, "Paddle your owr
Canoe"
l will close this imperfect history
by stating that parents should be
very careful in buying Noah's Arks
for the children, to be sure and get a
perfect one. l bought defective
one the other day, for my son Keno
/ was much shocked afterwards to
hear him speak of it as follows:
"Governor, that was a neat one for
Noah's Ark that you got me. Darn
it, man, there wasn't even a black an
tan pup in it.