Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1875-08-12
Mumuruus department.
THE IRISHMAN'S TREAT.

Some years ago, when preachers were scarce
and Sons of Temperance were still scarcer IN
the far West, it happened that Sunday was a
day set apart especially by common consent
not as day of fasting and prayer, but ASA day
ofdissipation and fighting, in certain village
among the "diggins' of Iowa. To put a
stop to this, the city fathers passed an ordi.
nance shutting up all the groggeries within
the corporation limits. To enforce this ordi'
nance more eGectually, they made it the posi-
tive duty of the city Marshal to 60 around on
Sunday mornings, and to shut up such
groggeries as might not have the fear Of the
Lord aud the city fathers before them.
Among others who kept one of those pro-
scribed but popular places. was humorous
Irishman, whose name, of course, was Pat.
One fine, bright Sunday morning, the city
marshal, good, clever fellow, who we shall
call Phil, armed with big stick as his insig.
MIA of Office, was parading by as pompously
as ever any Marshal of France fourished bis
baton of office. Now it so happened that Pat
was out enjoying the morning as Phil was pas,
sing by his shop. Pat more than suspected
that the city marshal was of "easy virture'
as to this particular duty of his Office, and
what added to his suspicion, was the fact that
he was seldom known to refuse a glass oi
pure cincinnati eye-water." So he deter.
mined to put him to the test, and see of what
kind of stuff he was made. Stopping him
abruptly, he says:
"Come in, Phil, and I'll trate you"
Phil stopped, looked all around to see if
any body was about, and finally popped
in to take little, by way Of easing his con-
science for being compelled to break the Sab
bath in the discharge of his official duties.
AS soon as he was in and the door fastened
securely, Pat walked inside the bar, took
down the bottle of "double distilled and recti,
fed," and, setting a glass on the counter,
filled it about two-thirds full, and drank it
of'himself, and then, coolly replacing the bot
tie and glass, he was about coming out, when
Phil, who had been wondering when his turn
would come, rather inquiringly remarked:
II thought you said you would treat me if
came in ?"
Faith an I did," replied Pat; II trated
you with contimpt."
A FIRE.EATING GENERAL.-An amusing
anecdote is told Of wellknown French gen.
eral who played conspicuous part in caval'
ry charge. The gallant warrior had been Sc.
verely wounded on that occasion, having re.
ceived a sabre-cut on the head and bul.
let in his left thigh. Such an allowance
might have satisfied a man of quiet tastes,
but was far from sufficient for the fre-eating
general. In relating the charge, which he
did at every dinner-party he was in the habit
ofthrowing in halfa.dozen bayonet thrusts,
and couple of stray splinters from shell,
and he invariably appealed for corroboration
of his narrative to an aid-de-camp who had
ridden by his side. On one occasion, having i'm.
bibed more than his usual allowance of AZ
Chateu Yquem, he drew more than usual
ly startling picture ofhis riddled and peforat'
ed condition. A cannon-ball had killed his
horse, dozen sabres had descended at once on
his head, a couple of lances had passed through
each of his arms, and all the bullets and
bayonets of Germany seemed to have given
each other a rendezvous in his body. "You
remember it we'll don't you ?" he added, turn:
ing to his aid.de-camp. The well-trained
subaltern had suffered long in silence. The
bayonets, lance, &C., he had got used to by
long practice, but the cannon.ball was the
last straw that broke the camel's back. "No,
General, I don't remember it how could
you expect me to? You know as we'll as |
do, that the very cannon-ball that killed
your horse struck the breast plate of cuiras.
sier behind US, and then bounded back and
took my head off,"
QUALITY ExTRAoRDINARY.--"Doctor,
said Yankee farmer, entering the store Of
the village apothercary, "that ere rats bane o
your'n is fustrate."
"Ah, certain-I knew it," returned the
vender of drugs, greatly pleased; "don't keep
nothing but the pure things here.'
"Sartin," replied the husbandman, with a
twinkling nod; "and, doctor, I guess I'll
have another pound of it,
"Another pound?'
"Yaas; 1 gin that pound at I bought last
week to a pesky old rat that has worried me
awfuly, and tell ye it made him about the
sckest critter you ever see. kind O. reckon
how't another might kill him."
About on par with this is the complaint
of man who bought keg of powder fol
blasting purposes.
"Say, SQUIRE" said the individual in ques
ton, entering the store where he had bought
the powder, "d'ye know that ere powder sol
yourn is risky stuff to handler"
"Risky?' repeated the storekeeper, moi
quite comprehending.
"Yaas-kind O dangerous"
"Ah-you refer to its intense explosive
qualities.
explosive qualities! I don't know moth
in about that but it's the all-6redest STUFF
to burn. Why, that ere keg caught fire acc
dentally, and I'm blamed if the powder didn'
burn halfup afore we could put it out -
FINDING A CHURCH.-Said demure-look
ing stranger, with prayer-book under biz
arm, to an old resident of San Antonio, Texas
"Where can I find the Methodist place O.
Worship" "After you pass the seventh bar
room on this side of the street, strike across
and take up Soledad Street, and you viii
find it one hundred yards beyond the last
beer saloon on the same street, nearly opposite
a ten.pin alley" was the reply.
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naa- An elderly fat gentleman, in discussing
warm breakfast, at Scotch inn, called te
the waiting boy: Donald, bring me more
bread eat a good deal of bread to my
steak Donald answered, with much sim
plcity: GAY, please your honor, and you ea
good steak to your beard"
nlas- Texas has newspaper called the "Mov
ina Ball." The Courier Journal says "the ed
itor probably circulates it with shot gun.