South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1875-07-02

ing long hair in the butter, ordered the
waiter to bring him some "bald-headed
butter"
"A Virginia man recently ate ten
pineapples at q meal, and didn't pine
for any more. But his coffin was pine.
IHow sweets a perfect understand.
ing between man and wife. He was to
smoke cigars when he wanted them. but
he was to give her ten cents every time
he INDUCED in one. He kept his word,
and every time she got so cents ahead.
he'd borrow it and buy cigars. And SO
they were happy.
The ORIGINAL RoCK.-An old bache.
Tor geologist was Boosting that every
rock was as familiar to him as the al.
phabet. A lady declared that she knew
arock Of which he was ignorant. Name
1t, madam" he said. ''Its rock the era
die, sir" replied the lady.
Tv"What do You sell those fowls
for?' inquired buyer. IL sell them
for profits" was the answer. THANK
you for the information that they are
prophets" responded the querist; Il
took them to be patriarchs."
U 1t is very common for the woman
rights humbugs to close their NONSENSE
cal harangues with that beautiful trib-
ute to woman--"Last at the cross and
first ut the tomb They might add that
she was last in the garden and first Mt
the apple tree.
R A story is told of the late DIR. Be-
thune, who, when committee of a va.
cant church ventured to ask about the
qualifications Of Mrs. Bethune as pas
tors wife instantly replied with his Pc
culiar emphasis, do you expect, gen
tlemen, to pay my wife salary?" That
ended the interview.
ES He was man who thought no lit
tie of himself 1t was raining, and he
stood in doorway till young lady
came along with an umbrella, when he
stepped out, made 4 handsome bow, and
said: May l walk with you? / don't
like to get wet" This rain is just what
was needed to give vegetables start"
she replied, and passed ahead" leaving
him alone with his reflections.
t1V How soon some women change
their minds respecting their husbands
Mrs. Spinn was forever telling her hus-
band he wasn't worth the salt i'm his
bread; but when he got killed in rail
way collision she sued the company for
five thousand dollars.
EV Little Billy was very cross and cri-
ed the other night, and he wanted his
father to take him on his knee but IA
Their was tired, or pretended to be. Il
want you to hold me on your knee" he
whined. Il tell you | cannot do it, am
tired replied the father, impatiently
Tired You wasn't very tired last night
when you held Mary on your knee in
the Kitchen
EV a good man died in Georgia and
the order to which he belonged "resol-
we'd, that the Lord, for some reason to
the undersigned unknown, has removed
Brother Jones'"
LEA very tall and shabby-loolxing
man, n fellow that reminded YOU of a
vagrant letter from font of forty-line
paragon extra condensed, stepped up TO
one of our bars, last week. and, after
heaving glass of liquor into his long
throat, blandly asked the bartender if
he could change twenty-dollar bill
That gentleman informed him that he
could. We'll" said the tall one. with
sigh of satisfaction, "Pll 60 ont and
see if l can find one" and he plunged
out into the cold world on his mission.
SERVED THEM RIGHT-In the wear
1879 the people of county parish in
Virginia wrote to DR.. Rice. who was then
Mt the head Of n theological seminary
for minister. They wanted man OF
first-rate talents, for the congregation
needed building up. They wanted an
educated man, for some of their young
people had literary tastes. They want.
ed man willing to visit great deal,
which the former minister had neglected
to do. He must also be n gentleman.
and lastly he must not expect more than
$500 year, though ifthe incumbent lust
suited the people, they might possibly
raise it TO $3.50. The Doctor answered
Immediately, telling them they had bet
ter make out call for old DIR. Dwight.
in heaven, for he did not know any one
in this world who would answer their
description, but as DIR. Dwight had lived
several years on spiritual food, he might
not need so much for the body, and pos
sibly could live on $500 year
Ia The saying Excuse haste and
bad pen has been attributed TO n PIC
who ran away from home.
LV'A confectioner in PHILADELPHIA
who twelve months ago taught his par
rot to say Pretty creature" to every h.
dy who entered his shop, is now q mil
lionaire.
~ Those old Greeks were pretty wise
fellows. In their vocabulary maiden is