Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1875-10-14
HUMOROUS ITEMS.


A new definition of an old maid dis-a wom-
an who has been made for long time.
You can't speak in balloon without hav-
ing high words, but it death to fall out.
"A Western editor returned a tailors bill,
endorsed, Declined; handwriting illegible-"
"A Kansas girl says that nothing makes her
so mad as.to have grasshopper crawl up and
down her back Just as her lover has come to
the proposing point.
Speaking of crooked whlskey, Western
rural editor significantly remarks that it
''ought to be put down. He's doubtless been
putting it down as often as opportunity offered
"A merchant who does not advertise can
no more succeed in drawing custom, than can
young lady, without a hustle and few
pounds of false hair, succeed in drawing beaux.
Whitehall Times.
The following was found posted on the
wall of country post-ofice: ''Lost red KAT.
He had red spot on of his behind legs. He
was a she KAT. l will give three shillings to
evriboddie to bring him home
If you are at church of Sunday evening
in August, without a fan, cast about your eye
until it lights on an engaged couple, and,
when you see how close they snug up together,
you will lose in great degree sense of the
heat-Danbury News.
"A Somerset young woman, seventy-eight
years of age, became tired of life the other day
and hung herself to bed-post with colset
We always thought corsets were unhealthy
especially when worn about the neck.-Nor.
ristown Herald.
Elder sister (condescendingly)-"See
Ethel, you had better come and walk in my
shadow 1t will be cooler for you!" Younge
sister (who lesents patronageS''You are very
good, Maud; but ! have shadow of my own
thank you."-St. Louis Globe-Democrat
"A Maine girl left her clothing in an opel
boat and hid herself, and when her parent
were crying and saying if they only had hel
back they would obey her slightest wish, sht
appeared and said she wanted to marry George
|
been eating 'em, for he says: ''The comel.
cucumber cometh, conveying countless case
of cholera and collie, causing cheerful com
ments on the part of the compounder of curl
GUS but comforting cordals.
Give boy market-basket of grocerie
to carry home and he will swing it across hi
spine, bend half way to the ground and groal
with agony, but give him that weight of bas
bats and he will skip along as merry as a pc
tatoe bug in ten-acre lot.
-''Say, Mister" said a soiled-looking bo
on the wharf yesterday, ''do you ever give
piece O watermelon to poor boy whose faith
er n mothers dead, n who goes to sunday
school, n has got sore heel?" The man wa
deeply touched, and gave him large slice OF
of rotten one Norwich Bulletin.
"A good double pun has been made by
clergyman He had just united in marriage
couple whose christian names were respective
ly Benjamin and Ann. ''How did they appea
during the ceremony" inquired frieid-
''They appeared both Annie-mated and Ben
nie-fited," was the reply.
There is a village in New Hampshir
which has produced twenty-six editors, and i
was in allusion to this circumstance that piou
old deacon there remarked: 'sYes, there wer
twenty-six on 'em, but as they've all left town
reckon the Lord won't lay it up agin u.s.