The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1875-03-15
A SOLEMN SKETCH.
Pulling an Undertakes

[DOtrolt Free Press
oI'ye taken your paper for twenty-six
years. he commenced, Us he reached the
head Of the stairs, 9and now ! want a
puff"
He was a very tall, and slender man, had
face which hadn't smiled since 1872,
and his neck was embraced by white era.
vat, and his hands wore thrust into black
gloves,
''Tvc got new hearsc, n new stock Of
collins, and l want local notice" he con-
tinued, as he sat down and sighed, a. II
ready TO screw a coffin lid down.
eAly dear sir,s replied tho man in the
corner. "l'ye met you at a great many
funerals, and your general bearing has
created q favorable Impression, You
sigh with the slghers, grieve with tho
grieyers, and on extra occasions you can
shed tears Of sorrow, even though you
know that you can't get 10 per cent Of
your bill under six months"
"Yes," sighed the undertaken, instinct
lively measuring the length Of the table
with his eye, and wondering to himself
why editors tables weren't covered with
Grape, with rows Of coffin nails around
the edges.
death Is very solemn thing" cOntin-
ued the man In the corner; "bnt still, It Is
nh occasion when one can appreciate q
neat thing. I've seen you rub your knuck-
les against dOor.pOSts and never change
Countenance; I've seen you listen to Gu
lOgies on men who owed you for twenty
years before their death, and you looked
even more solemn than the bereaved Wild
Ow; I've seen you back your hCarSc up to
door in such nm easy, quiet way that II
robbed death Of half It's terrors. All this
have seen and appreciated, but |
couldn't write puiffOr YOU"
"Why nOtT lie demanded.
"For many reasons. Now you have a
new hearse. Could go on and say: MIR.
sackclOlh, the genial undertaken, has just
received fine new hearse, and We hope
that our citizens will endeavor to bestOw
upon 1t the patronage such enterprise do
serves. II rides easy, Is handsomely fin
ished, and those who try II once will
want no other Could say that%
mo, not very we'll"
"0f course couldn't. EOu can call
grocer or dry goods man genial friend
and Its all right, but you aren't genial :
you can't be. It's your business to be
solemn. II you could be even more solemn
than you are, It would be money In your
pocket"
"ThatssO," he said, signing heavily.
"lf il was an omnibus, or q coal cart, or
n wheelbarrow. I could 20 on and write
chapter on every separate spoke, but it
isn't, you sec"
He leaned back and sighed again.
"And as to your collins, they are doubt
less nice collins and your prices are prob;
ably reasonable; but could | go OH and
say: Mr.. Sackcloth, the undertaken, has
Just received his new styles in spring COf'
fins, all sizes, and il now prepared to zee us
many OF his old customers as want some.
thing handsome and durable al moder-
ate price Could say that%
Another sigh.
VI couldn't say that you were holding
olearing-Out sale, in order to get ready
for the spring trade, or that, for the sake
Of increasing your patronage, yo,i had de-
Cided to present each customer with
chrome. / couldn't say that you were
repairing and rcpainting, and had the
most attractive colIn.shOp in Detroit. Il
wouldn't do to hope that people would
patronize you, or 10 say that al orders
sent in by mail would be promptly filled,
and that your motto was Quick sales
and small prOlits!"
He put on the look Of tombstone, and
made no reply.
"You see, Il you had stoves to sell, or
dealt in mackeral, or sold fshihg.tNckle,
everything would be lovely. You are an
undertakcr--solemn, Eedatc, monrnful
You revel in Grape, and you never pass
a black walnut door without thinking
how much good coffin lumber was reck.
lessly wasted. The tolling bell il music
to YOU, and the City.lfall flag at half.mast
ia fat on your ribs. We'd ike to Oblige
YOU, but you zee how it is."
ayes, ! sec, " he sighed, and he formed
in procession and moved down stairs,
looking around now and then osre II
the hearsr was Just 81 feet behind the
officiating cletgyman's carriage.