The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-05-18
BlJAh AND The JUDGE,

Further Proceedings In the Detrot
Police Court-Bijah's 1Iat-A Plumb
ers's Punishment.
From the Detroit Free Press.]
One Of the dodgers, turning out at 6
o'clock, stole Bijah's hat, leaving his own
on the peg. BUah's hat was sleek, we'll.
fed hat, having q graceful dent in the top,
and general airy look, as if it belonged
to good society. The lodger's hat when
placed on chair and surveyed from all
sides, struck the beholder With terror. 1t
had been plug hat once-a hundred
years ago. 1t once had nap and gloss
and a fine band, and the man who wore
it was an object of admiration. Small
boys respected it, and the wind dared not
lift it up and scoot it along the dusty
street. Then it grew old, and the gloss
faded. and the band became rusty. Some
one sat down on it at lecture. caving in
one side, and then it was given to store
porter. He wore it until the band grew
red with old age and the lining was loos.
ened, and then he gave it to a deserving
apple-peddler, who smoothed it over with
curry-comb and pasted sp(ints insice to
straighte up the wrinkles and dents. He
wore it for years and years-wore it to
weddings, funerals. and river excursions.
and picnics, aud he called it boss hat
He died, and the hat fell to rag picker,
who painted it black, put on red WOODEN
band, and poised it jauntily on the side of
his head as he wandered up and do wn and
yelled Rags" He got drunk one sad
day, fell down in an alley, and the hat
foated away on the breeze, and the ledger
found it and it had finally descended to
Bijah. He looked at it long time in 81.
]ence. lie grew red in the face His
ears worked. Then he grabbed the old
relic, slammed it down, gave it an awful
kick, and hoarselv exclaimed:
oil kill thousand dodgers in revenge
for this -
ANOTHER PLUMBER.
"The old man'll give it to him heavy -
whispered boy as young man named
Hopkins came out of the corridor.
'He'll hash him right up!' said a
second.
''He'll make clothes-line of him in
jist minute y put in third.
The young man was a plumber, and it
| W DIS d CdS0 VI III uHAcIlAcSS' LAG o00"eu
to feel his approaching doom. and as he
towed the mark he said:
'Judge, if, you'll let me off Ill jump
this town in ten minutes
''Listen, prisoner at the bar, replied
the court. 'You were drunk, and you
are a plumber. Last winter my water
pipe bursted, and / ran for plumber.
He said he would come right up and fix
1t; but he let the water gush into my
potatoe bin all day long, and never came
near. called him another, and he swore
by the horn spoon that he d have man
there by seven in the morning. No man
appeared. I called upon another, and he
also failed me. A fourth came and shut
the water off, left it that way for week,
and the fifth one found the pipes frozen
For eleven long weeks, Charles Hopkins,
I've had to carry water to wash, or 60
without clean shirt. I've bought ice,
melted snow, treasured cold tea as you
would gold, and the plumbers still de.
ceive me. Think of an aged man like me
being compelled to wash my face in a
tea cup full of water, and to stagger
through alleys and back yards with tub
on my shoulder !! If you are a plumber
you are like the rest, and if had the
power Id send you to Jail for five thou.
sand years. I'll make it three months,
as you are a stranger, but really feel
conscience-strlcken for not putting on a
greater punishment
The prisoner tried to conceal his occu-
patton, but not being successful, he cheer
fully accepted the sentence and took the
head seat on the saw-horse.
NO ONIONS THIS SPRING.
A little bit Of man, wearing bilious
looking plug hat and speaking in child
like tones, was conducted out, and his
honor looked up and inquired:
"Whyfor, thou seedling?
IL m prisoner, but I'm entitled to be
treated with respect?" squeaked the lit.
tic man, standing on his tip.toes and
growing redin the face.
"Respectfully, your obedient servant, -
replied the court, waving his hand around
and letting it gently drop upon seek-no-
further.
81 won't be made fun of, tell you, I
won t!'' squeaked the prisoner.
''Fun! fun!'' repeated his honor.
'Sir, this is serious world, with four
pounds OF heartache to one old-fashioned
grin. No, sir; see no fun here. The
charge is being drunk and raising a great
row-a very serious thing
''Who says I got drunk g squealed the
little man <tWhO saws T raise a great