The Tipton advertiser., 1875-12-09

cat in his barn in place Of m Afghan.
he detected the difference in the
millionth part Of second.
An old lady in Detroit, hearing
that American Girl was dead, re-
marked: "Tve allus said that tight
lacing would lay 'em out some day"
Some papers arc always talking Of
their independence and sneeriug at
"organs. Isn't il better to be An
organ than lyre.-Aia California.
We shall never smile ssAin until
We exchange photographs with the
young man that put shoemakers wax
on the benches Of the front portico of
this cf6ce. Edston Free Press.
A Detroit woman who was turned
out of her house for non payment Of
rent, went out in good style, putting
on silks and jswelry, and having her
hair frizzed in extra style tor the oc-
casion.
A down-county farmer who put in
. half acre with turnips last summer,
says they didn't bring him cent.
He should try onions next time.
They always bring . scent.-Norris-
toacn Herald.
Why wss the cleansing Of the
Augean stables like piece Of ancient
Mexican pottery ware? Because it
was an Aztec kind Of job. Voice
of the speaker chokea with emotion.)
This is the way the newspapers
talk in Louisiana: "If that convict
ed thief and robber, Jim Walker,
wants any fuss with us he can have
steel or buckshot in unlimited guam
titles BY poking his nose around our
corner"
A New York merchant has been
detected measuring thirty-four inches
to the yard. Two inches is nothing
on a towel, but it tells heavily on
wooden shirt when the thermometer
drops down.-DefroH Free Press
A lady put her watch under her
pillow the other night, but couldn't
keep it there because it disturbed
her sleep. And there all the time,
was her bed ticking right underneath
her, and she never thought Of that at
al.
St. Louis Republican: 1t was a
diplomatic husband who protested to
his wife, "My dear, if it doesn', make
any difference to you, don't say
'brute!' and 'doltv Use terms mild
er, if not less incisive. If must
have curtain lectures, let them be at
least dsmask curtain Ones"
81 say, Sambo, where did you git
de shirt studs!" "In de shop, to be
sure" "Yah, you just told me you
hadn't no money! "Dat's right"
"How did you git EN- DEM" "Well,
| saw on card in de window, collar
stud, SO l went in and collsred EN-
Ohio Taiiey Ne,cs.
The Yonkers Gazette wisely re.
marks: "When you see young
married man contemplating baby car
riages, with . calm and thoughtful
eye, you may reasonably infer that
his matrimonial sky is bright. serene,
and little sonny" But "you had
daughter" not to be too sure of that.
-Norrist0,cn Herald.
The Shelbyville (ky.) Republican
says tnat the worst case of selfshness
that it has been permitted to present
to the the public, emanated from q
youth who complained because his
mother put bigger mustard on his
younger brother than she did on him,
after they had been eating melons
and hard apples.
us this The doctors ofIice?" in
quired man who popped his head
inside the sanctum door. "No. sir
the mex, flight o: stairs" "Well l
am tao tired to go any further said
h. sadly; ''bnt ii You see the doctor
any time this norning, ! wish you
would tell him that my stepm ,her is
dying and we'd like to have him call
in if he gets time." Norrich B"l-
letin.
Postmaster Parke lately received
| letter addressed to the handsomest
girl in Whitehall. II was whispered
about one evening, when the next
day his office was besieged by prc,,y
gi,ls, all inquiring for the letter. He
has since received a letter address, d
to the homliest girl in Whitehall,
which has been sent to the dead let
ter Office Whitehall Times.
He didn't look like beggar, but
he had his plans all laid before lie
struck Vicksburg, and he cleared a
hundred dollars hsre in two days.
He didn't 20 around whining, "Please
sir, for the love of God" as most of
them do, but he walked up to man.
called him "General'' TO start off
with, and the shinplasters came in
faster than he could take them. The
only Eve men in town who didn't
contribute were men who he mad
vertently addressed IS ''Captain.
VicAtsbur0 Herald.
A farmer living just out OF Nicks-
burg was reading in an agricultural
paper, the other day, an article head
ed "Be Kind to Your Cow" He
went out TO milk her with heart
full of kindness, and as he sat down
he whispered: $50, boss-stand
around-good crea,ure-histe little
there, you intelligent and kind
hearted old bossy." About two
minutes after that his wife heard him
yelling and whooping, and as she ran
to the door he called ovt: "Bring
me the AZ, Maria, and he spade, and
that big club there, and the butcher
knife, and that shotgun; for I'll be
darned if this old hellian shall ever
live to kick me in the jaws agin."
On the Des Moines & Ft. Dodge
railway the other day, little boy got
on the train while it was between
stations and dsshing along at speed
of twenty-five miles an hour. The
conductor didn't see the boy get on,
but some of the lady passengers did.
He got on because his mother was