New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1875-03-15
RHETORICAL THERAPEUTICS.

He was glum. He was moody. Ho was
mostly silent, but not nice and soft when ne
did say anything He was one OF your large
souled persons, and they didn't know what
to do with him, and he didn't know what to
do with his soul, which was too big for his
body. They asked him what he thought
would do him good under these tremendous
circumstances If be could only tell, they
would send out to the shop and buy some OF
it. or to the neighbOrs' and borrow dose OF
it, and he could take little of it on going to
bed or on rising or before eating, as might
seem expedicnt. Then he laughed them TO
scorn. Pills he wanted not, nor powders nor
potiOns nor plasters. He was as unreasonable
as Macbeth in the play and spoke quite az
disrcspectfuly of physic. Neii what WOULD
DO him good 7 Hc wasn't sure, he sad, Dut
he thought that he would get relief If it were
possible, by speaking TO 1909 Sunday-school
children or to large audience on the Fourth OF
July. As it was impossible to raise the requisite
number of children at such short notice, 1t was
concluded to get up q celebration fOf hini' Ihe
great and glorious Fourth being close at hand.
SO they cOrked up all the physic bottles, and
began to raise an audience for the poor man.
They engaged the Congregational Church ana
roped in somebody to read the Declaration oil
independence; then they mentioned the matter
TO all the leading citizens, and begged every
body. for the sake of fine young man big
with speech, to see to it that he didnt
mserably perish for want OF an audience.
| The place was a kind-hearted place, and so
when the great anniversary dawned they rang
| all the bells, and fired great number or
crackers just to get themselves up TO the
proper pitch for that speech and then they
all went into the church, and the poor invalid
made 1t e them. pl thy feel !. better f9E !.
We 20 not know. Did he feel betterf vt
| course he did When man is full OF senti-
ments, views, thoughts feelings, speculations,
| tr0pes, metaphors, exhortatiOns, perorations,
! stiblimities, and all sorts of things. he must
make q speech or die.
| Does the reader remember how one morning
| there was q row on Mount olympus How
Jupiter howed and writhed and roared with
| the most acute headache which ever attacked
an Immortal 1t was in vain that Hcbe with
bewitching smile, brought to him the nee
tareous cocktail or that Ganymede begged
him to try a nepenthe sling. Vulcau's the
doctor for my money! said His Majesty {;
a bid him come at once and bring his biggest
.hammern "Smash my head open, you
'sooty scamp" said Jupitcr-JOve, when the
blacksmith had arrived. 1t was done. The sa-
cred Uranium was cracked and out leaped Lady
Minerva, with Webster's Unabridged Dlction-
ary in one hand and lovely olive-branch IN
fine other IT'S cheering and precious myth !!
When an unfortunate sufferer has wisdom On
the brain, it is worse than water If he cannot
be delivered of it. Generally, however, he
can. The American people are the best OF
hearers. Anywhere and at any time, and I'M
der any circumstances, it is possible to gather
together an audience in this much listening
land. Ever the froth-tai surges; ever the
Congressional rhetoric welters; and though
silence be golden, have we not suspended
specie paymentsl Medical science, we are
happy to believe, is constantly advancing !;
and we may live to see Making Speech in
variaby prescribed for General lrrtabliIty.