The Eaton Democrat. (Eaton, Ohio) 1875-1903, 1875-11-11
Wit and Hum0r.

ALIVE and kicking-Boys at football.
How TO get good nnp-Buy a $40
hat.
A GOOD town for milzmen-Water-
town.
WHAT is the greatest stand ever made
for civilization2 The inkstand.
MERCHANTS you should never let
Your advertising rest:
Your big white hands were never made
To hang into your vest.
"THE hardest trial of my life, !" said
good old Deacon Panes, "was to shed
tears at the news that my wife's uncle
had died and left her 100000"
A HANDSOME youth being questioned
by rather stylish lady as to his occupa-
ton, replied that he was an "adjuster
of movable alphabets." He was simply
printer.
"SAYl" said the city youth to the
modest countryman, "got the hay-sees
out O. your hair yet9" "Wall, was the
deliberate reply, 81 jedge not from the
way the calves run arter me"
"JoHN HENRY" said his wife, with
stony severity, "I saw you coming out
of a saloon this afternoon. "Wel,
madam" replied the obdurate John,
you wouldn't have me stay In there,
would you 9"-DetroH Free Press.
"FINE cane you've got" said Crab
apple to Shawneybaum. eyes, sir,
Hengland. "What kind of wood is
it2" said Crabapple. "Well, sir, it
looks like 'azel or 'ickory, or you might
take it for helm or hoax; but, halter
hall, it's honly hash."i
SN1FKINs staked his all on the result of
game of euchre the other night and
lost. Throwing down the cards peevishly
he broke forth in the following pathetic
strain: "'Twas ever thus in childhood's
hour, I've seen my fondest hopes take
flight, and every time played the left
bower, some one took it with the right.
THE other day an engineer on the
Central road had to stop his train near
the Junction and pull drunken man
from the track, the fellow having laid
down and fallen asleep. "You fool
you' shouted the engineer, "suppose
you had been run over by the train u
You Qhic) fool you !'' stammered the
inebriate, "s'posein' I'd (hic) run over
your blamed old (hic) cars P'-Detroa
Free Press.
WHEN house painter fell from a
building on Cass avenue and broke his
leg his companions wanted to carry him
to doctors Office on shutter. There
were three men there, and they called
for fourth, who was passing, to come
and help. "Who is heF' asked the
man, as he came up. ga painter" they
replied. The man turned and walked out
of sight at his best speed. He would
have been settled in his new house a
month ago but for the procrastination of
painters. Detroit Free Press.
"WHAT keeps Mr.. N from kirk,
james," said worthy minister. "i
hope it's not Methodism.' "No," re-
sponded the verger; "it's something
worse than Methodism." "What then?
Is it Calvinism 2" "Worse, your rever-
ence, worsel' "Surely, James, it is
not Deism 2" " Much worse, an it please
your reverence, than even that. F" "Good
heavens |" said the astounded pastor,
"can it be Atheism which depriyes us of
the best churchwarden that ever shook a
box?" "Truly," responded pious
James, "'tis much more serious mat
ter; it is rheumatism"
A GENERAL RECIPE FOR A MODERN NOVEL.
Stir in fool to make us taught
Two heavy villains and half;
heroine with sheeny hair,
And half dozen beaux to spare;
mystery upon the shore;
Seine bloody footprints on floor;
shrewd detective chap, who mates
Those footprints with the hero's eights,
And makes it squaly for that gent
Till he is proven innocent;
brown stone front; dingle dell;
Spice it with scandal; stir it well;
Serve it up hot-and the book will sell.
[osl aba4