The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1875-05-21
MISCELLANY.
BJAn AND The JUDGE.
Further Proceedings I'm tho Detroi
Police Court-Bljah 1Hat-A Plumb.
orSss Punishment.
from the Detroit Free Press. !

lCIOIU t0c UetrOlL Free freSe.
One of the dodgers, turning out at
o'clock, stole BUah's hat, leaving his OWL
on the peg. Bijah's hat was a sleek, we'll.
fed hat, having graceful dent in the top
and general airy look, as if it belonged
to good society. The lodger's hat when
placed on chair and surveyed from all
sides, struck the beholder With terror. 1t
had been plug hat once-a hundred
years ago. It once had nap and gloss
and fine band, and the man who wore
it was an object of admiration. Small
boys respected it, and the wind dared not
lift it up and scoot it along the dusty
street. Then it grew old, and the gloss
faded, and the band became rusty. Some
one sat down omit at lecture. caving in
one side, and then it was given to store
porter. He wore it until the band grew
red with old age and the lining was ZOOS.
ened, and then he gave it to deserving
apple.peddler, who smoothed it over with
curry'comb and pasted splints INSIDE to
straighten up the wrinkles and dents. He
wore it for years and years-wore it to
weddings, funerals, and river excursions.
and picnics, and he called it a boss hat.
He died, and the hat fell to a rag picker,
who painted it black, put on red wooden
band, and poised it jauntily on the side Of
his head as he wandered up and down and
yelled ''Rags!' He got drunk one sad
day, fell down in an alley, and the hat
fcated away on the breeze, and the lodger
found it and it had finally descended to
Biyah. He looked at it long time in 81.
]snce. He grew red in the face His
ears worked: Then he grabbed the old
relic, slammed it down, gave it an awful
kick, and hoarselv exclaimed:
"l'll kill thousand dodgers in revenge
for this!''
ANOTHER PLUMBER.
1.-THE old man'll give it to him heavy y
whispered boy as young man named
Hopkins came out of the corridor.
He'll hash him right up!" said a
second.
':He'll make clothes-line of him in
jist minute - put in third.
The young man was a plumber, and it
was case of drunkenness. He seemed
to feel his approaching doom, and as he
towed the mark he said:
''Judge, if you'll let me off I'll jump
this town in ten minutes
'Listen, prisoner at the bar" replied
the court. "You were drunk, and YOU
are = plumber. Last winter nv water.
pipe bursted, and ! ran for plumber.
He said he would come right up and fix
1t; but he lot the water gush into my
potatoe bin all day long, and never came
near. l called him another, and he swore
by the horn spoon that he'd have man
there by seven in the morning. No man
appeared. l called upon another, and he
also failed me. A fourth came and shut
the water of, left it that way for week,
and the fifth one found the pipes frozen
For eleven long weeks, Charles Hopkins,
I've had to carry water to wash, or 20
without clean shirt. I've bought ice,
melted snow, treasured cold tea as YOU
would gold, and the plumbers still de.
ceive me. Think of an aged man like me
being compelled to wash my face in q
tea cup full Of water, and to stagger
through alleys and back yards with a tub
on my shoulder If you are a plumber
you are like the rest, and if had the
power I'd send you to Jail for five thou
sand years. I'll make it three months,
rs you are \ stranger, but I really feel
conscience-strlcken for not putting on q
greater punishment "
The prisoner tried to conceal his occu.
patton, but not being successful, he cheer.
fully accepted the sentence and took the
head seat on the saw.horse.
NO ONIONS THIS SPRING.
A little bit Of man, wearing a bilious.
looking plug hat and speaking in child.
like tones, was conducted out. and his
honor looked up and inquired:
"Whyfor, thou seedling!''
"lm a prisoner, but I'm entitled to he
treated with respcct!" squeaked the lit.
tic man, standing on his tip.toes and
growing red in the face.
"Respectfully. your obedient servant
replied the court, waving his hand around
and letting it gently drop upon seek-no
further.
Il won't be made fun of, 1 tell you, !
won't!' squeaked the prisoner.
''Fun! fun!' repeated his honor
'Sir, this is serious world, with fou,
pounds Of hcartache to one old.fashionet
grin. No, sir; I see no fun here. TIL,
charge is being drunk and raising q grea,
row-a very serious thing"
'Who says I got drunk :" squealed tn,
little man 'who says raise \ great
row! It is conspiracy to get me out o.
the neighborhood.''
'.Prisoner at the bar" said his honor
whom the evidence was Ill in, NOV is tn,
time 70 make : Fourth Of July speech