The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-12-11
pure--.Brass,

Expense on Main Street,
/ Until a night policeman went
In, at three o'clock in the morning,
With a club concealed, etc.
--BWon's Don Petro.
When you 90 to church, always eat candy
It's swceter than peanuts and ever SO much
more quiet Look out for ''jaw-brcakcrs" and
"taffs' though.
The last of his race has gone the way Of all
mortal men-thc man who didn't think he knew
the only correct way to poke fire or run news
paper He was one Of natures noblcmen, and
his memory shall Smell sweet and blossom in the
dust"
! The winter is coming and the snow may co.he
yet, but we want to warn all beautiful snow
poets to keep out of the range of our navy re-
volver.
How fortunate for us that Goldsmith lived be.
fore our timc--n these days he never could have
written his delightful "She Stops to Conquer"
They didn't have tiebacks in his time
The weather this week has been dam( p), drizzl-
ing rainy, snowy and bcastly uncomfortable.
Come, old "Probs," let up on this sort o thing.
Scene at sociablc:-young ladies fumblin z
in the oycrcoat pockets OF young dry goods
clerk "Ah-ha, All! Oh, oo.oo! his pockets are
full of har-pins." On being exposed to view
the hair-pins proved to be dca---. Oh, well,
there's no use getting mad about little thing
like that.
When you a man rush iraDtcally up to a
lamp-post or the cylinder of a thrcshing ma
chine, and rub himself up and down on the
rough side, you can make up your mind they
have buckwheat cakes and maple syrup where
he lives.
If our Sunday Schools want to see large in.
crease in the number Of scholars let them give
notice that every good. little boy or girl who at
tends regularly will receive present at Christ
mas, and every kid in town will attcnd-till after
the Christmas tree.
A home play talked Of Oh, spare u.s. spare
us!
How about man who'll go home at midnight
ard try to drink jar of buckwhcat batter, be-
cause it looks so much like Tom and jerry
Street lamps arc mighty handy animals, are SO
steady and faithful, never leave q fellow in a
lurch. When fellow goes home o nights tired
and melancholy, they re always there to steady
and comfort him; when the buekwhcat comes
out they re always present to lend helping
hand to his back: then they're nice things to TIC
to- and look so ornamental and useful in the day
time. But to be ornamental they must be kept
clean-no black on the glass, no scratches on
their shining coats, no mud on the trimmings
and that's why they're never lighted on dark,
muddy nights.
Two young hearts that beat as one cun sit in
one chair now with good deal more comfort
than when the thermometer simmered around
the 30 mark-cspecaly if she has pull back"
on.
II is said there are more lies told in the sen
.ence, ~ am glad to see you,' than in any other
six words in the English language.
"Allie, dear" tcndcrly observed loving Young
wife the other noon to her lord, 81 wish you'd
lake down your ears now, Bridget want. to dust
The chandelier"
Last winter 1t was spelling mania, and nov il
promises to be the walking mania-educated
legs instead OF heads
Swearing off time will be here In three weeks
rom to-day. Three drinks aud an eyc.opener
md as many cigars In GO ycars,-you know how
our moral rcformcrs "fgurc." We must get vir-
tuous once year If it is.only for day or two.
An observing young man remarks that girls
who wear striped stockings prefer to kick the
gate open But we're all human
WANTED-to sec the man who didn't stop to
ook at an extra tight pin-back as it foated past
him.
1t is cheerful to see on n center table a bible
banked iby "a deck of the papers, We only
pity those of lis who have the papers" and not
the book.
A still more cheerful sight is to see a woman
standing before an open window operating OR
her head with ahorse.cCmb, occasionally coming |
down on something" with the hatchot One
always feels that "that'll be all right" there.