The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1875-07-30
An Innovation.
BY NJ. QUAD.

Man and boy, / have attended over
twenty Fourth of July celebrations, and
over twenty times have 1 marched to
'the grove" and listened to the dry per-
formance of reading the Declaration of
Independence, followed by an oratiOn
from some corpulent, bald headed man,
who commenced by thanking God that
he was an American, and ended mp by
declaring that the Yankee nation was
the biggest thing out OF doors.
used to wonder why some genius
didn't invent a new way of celebrating
the Fourth, or at least bring out an i'm.
provement on "the grove" proceedings,
and was highly gratifed last year to
discover that genius in little town in
Wyoming. He was the president ofthe
village, and it was his Fourth of July
celebration. He had the "bossing" of
the whole thing, and he was fully pre-
pared for any and every emergency. At
daylight he caused an anvil to be fred
thirteen times TO usher in the glorious
day, and he came to the hotel where
was sweetly sleeping, and raped on the
door and shouted to the landlord:
"Come, Dan, blast your eyesl why in
blazes don't you get up and see some
body?"
''You can't get me out at four o'clock
for no Fonsh of July ever bornp' sleep
lily replied Dan.
81 can't, eh? Well, now, I'll give you
just two minutes to come out o'that and
be patriot! After two minutes I'll
start bonfire on your verandap'
Daniel arose, the rest Of us followed
suit, and the president came in and or
dered three cheers for General jackson,
and soIemnly added:
''Gentlemen, we licked the British at
Waterloo, FalIy Forge, Sedan, and Will
sons Creek. and we've constitutional
right to hnllerl"
AT nine a. ma the procession formed.
1t consisted of three six mule teams
eight Inen with wheelbarrows, four men
with crowb bars on their shoulders, a mule
cart full of children, and seventy or
eighty people in line behind. The hotel
bartender was the only man left behind
in the town.
A platform had been erected in little
grove, and when the populace had been
crowded around it the president mount
ed the boards and ordered:
Il
lis, the bravest patriot of the hnll caboo-
die, except Washington and Jackson"
Some eheered, some laughed, and a
voice called out:
"Cornwallis was a British general"
The President did not Immediately
reply. He removed his coat, rolled up
his shirt-sleeves, kicked off his shoes, and
then stepped to the front row Of boards
and huskily said:
Ladies and gentlemen and children
There's a Britisher in this crowd-a
blasted Tory, whose father undoubtedly
shot down American patriots! He hol-
lers out that Lord CORVALLIS was
British general. You may decide to set
still under this degradation, but ] got up
this Fourth of July, and / want to see
that mani want him to come up here
where I amp
No one came. There was deep silence
for a moment, and then the president
borrowed a chew of plug tobacco, rolled
down his sleeves, and continued:
"Why do we celebrate the Fonrth of
July? We celebrate it, my friends, be-
cause it is the anniversary of the day on
which our forefathers conquered the
English, made prisoner of Queen Vic
tory, and ended the cruel warl The
bloody English thought this nation was
only a spring chicken, but it didn't take
us long to convince 'em that we were a
full grown Eagle"
Observing look of incredulity and
amusement on the face ofthe hotel-keep-
er, the president continued:
"And there's Dan, who keeps the Lion
Hotel in this town. 1t is very good
hotel, but he is an ignorant mar and he
can't tell the difference between Fourth
of July and next Christmasp'
That settled Daniel, and the speaker
returned to his Grafton.
Ladies and gentlemen, We can't think
too much Of the patriots who shouldered
their old fint-locks in the dark days of
'76, and went out and made Ihe re,Icoats
sigh for home. Their names will never
be forgotten while memory lasts. There
was Washington, Stonewall jackson,
General Hooker, Putnam. Sigle, War
rem, Lord Corvallis, and hundred
more! They fonght, bled. starved and
died for us, and if We ever go back on 'em
we ought TO be killed by buzzards."
As he paused course voice laughed.
'Hol hol hop az if casting a slur on his
statements, and the president remarked:
"I'll give anybody ten dollers to pint
out the man who laffed, and if can't
bury him, I'll buy this town and preesnt
it to an orphan asylum~
That closed the exercises at the grove,
and no further exercises took place until
evening, when the president built bon
fire, got up a dog-fght, and exploded
pound of powder under barrel. Every
body seemed to enjoy himself hugely,
and at midnight, when the anvil had
been fred as a signal that festivities had
closed, the PRECEDENT called out:
ladies and gentlemen, pass right in
to the bar, and order your drinks at my
expensew
Children are children, as kittens are
kittens. A sober, sensible old cat. that