Dodgeville chronicle. [volume] (Dodgeville, Wis.) 1862-current, 1875-05-28

very extensively, and, at the end of that
time, / will sell my township for double
| what | gave for it, / will then be o
| millionaire. The degree of LII. ID. will
| be conferred upon me, and | will be
twice chosen to represent my people in
! the lower house of Congress. | will
| be Chairman of the Ways and
| Means Committee, and the leader
| Of the House. When / rise to speak
the first time everybody in the chamber
will turn pale and there will be profound
silence. After leaving Congress 1 will
invest my money in railroad stocks, and
in five years | will be worth the sum of
| $50, 100000. | will go out to California
for my health and will very wisely in
vest all my money in mining stocks;
stocks will rise in such a manner as to
| intensely amaze everybody; new and
prodigious deposits of gold and silver
will be found; bonanzas will be discov-
cred and / wills soon find myself the rich
est man in the world. will be the first
Millionaire in the country. The Presl-
| dent will send me All autograph letter
| congratulating me and rendering me the
| portfolio ofthe Secretaryo the Treasury.
| will then go to Europe and visit all the
| old towns and ruins and cathedrals, the
l.
and Pompeii, and all the other curiosi-
| ties. [ will visit the Bending Pillars of
Statfa and write scientific article about
them, which will be printed in Haape1'S
| Mogd@iaae, with illustrations. After re-
Cuperating will come home ready for
| business. / will be chosen as Senator i'll
Congress. My maiden speech will pro
duce profound sensation. will speak
as follows:
MIR. PRESIDENT AND HONORABLE SENA-
ToRs--On this august and sublime occasion it
| is but natural cheers that should feel great
dffidence Esobbing in the gallery in address
| ing your Honorable Honors upon the vast
| subject before us. 1t is well known to your
| Honorable Honors that i represent a great
| people--a grand people sensation "a noble
| peoplea godlike people. Immense weep
| ing in the gallery and such tremendous ap-
pause that the Honorable speaker was I'M
able to proceed
| will be the most popular, wittiest
and wisest man in the country. There
will be great many little paragraphs in
the newspapers about me. When / visit
New York there will be something like
this in the Herald and Tribune: "The
Hon. -, of Illinois, gave dinner at
Delmonico's yesterday to q select COM
pany, among whom were the veteran
IHuIloW WCcel, uOI6Iiu yIHOuI, w HIGc
law Reid, William Cullen Bryant, A. IT,
Stewart, Theodore Tilton, William b.
Astor, Commodore Vanderbilt and Susan
3. Anthony. The dinner was the most
magnificent ever given in the city, there
being the unprecedented number of forty
courses; the extraordinary spectacle of
deer's eyes floating in green-turtle soup
was seen for the first time. Five hun
dred different kinds Of wines graced the
table, The Hon. ---, of Illinois, was
the wittiest man at the table. The meet
ing is supposed to have q political sig
niicance. The entertainment cost the
enormous sum of $4,000, which the
Hon. -, of Illinois, paid before leav-
ing the establishment. 1t was in every
respect a far more brilliant and dazzling
affair than the dinner given some years
ago by the late Sir Morton Peto."
When Ivisit Chicago the Tribune and
Iames will have the following: THE
Hon. -, of Illinois, is occupying par
lors at the Palmer. Yesterday afternoon
he held levee in the Ladies' Ordinary;
more than 5000 citizens called upon the
honorable gentleman; tonight there
will be torchlight procession, and fifty
tar-barrels will be burned in honor of
the distinguished guest"
Sometimes the following item concern
ing me will be seen in the papers of most
any city: "The Hon. -, of Illinois,
! was lately in this city transact1ng i'm
| portant business connected with railroad
| interests The supposition is that he is
making an immense corner ON Western
stock. He was very mysterious and non
communicative, and it is said his appear
ancc here created terrible flutter in
monetary and political circles"
This paragraph will go the round:
| "The Hon. -, of Illinois, was stand
| ing on the steps of the Custom-House in
this city yesterday, swinging a gold
| tooth-pick listlessly in his right hand,
when poor, colored bootblack ap-
preached him, and asked the favor of
| blacking his boots; the honorable gentle
man. in a dignified manner, allowed him
| to do SO; when the job was done the
honorable gentleman said in bluff man
| ner: What's the bill?' Ten cents,
massa,' replied the poor. negro. The
| honorable gentleman Immediately made
| him check for $4,000. He is a de-
scendant Of noble French family, is
very eccentric man, and is widely spoken
of as candidate for the Presidency"
l will be elected President of the
United States. My inaugural address
will commences: "Fellow- citizens of
| Maine, of New Hampshire, of Vermont,
of Rhode Island, of Connecticut, of New
York, of New Jersey, of Del"
At this point my soliloquizing was un-
tremendously Interrupted by the gro.
ceryman, who rushed into my office and
presented the following:
H. Vincent to Toby Smith, Or.
To balance on eggs. .oo
| "My friend" said /, looking at him in
a reproachful manner, ~ have just
learned of the death of my grandfather.
/ cannot transact any business for many
days." He left. In five minutes
another man came in with an account
of thirty. seven and one-half cents for
merchandise Said I to him, in a
mournful voice: 81 just learned a
few minutes ago of the unexpected
/ decease of my grandmother, aged
ninety-six. The things of this world
have no interest fer me- and bowed my
head upon the table and groaned. lie
left the room deeply moved. In about
| five minutes in came red-headed man
] and asked if / could pay him five cents,
the balance | owed him on herring.
" Sir" said /, in lugubrious tones, but
a moment ago received telegram i'm
parting the sad intelligence of the sudden
/ demise of my father and mother. They
were simultaneously attacked with apo
! plexy, aud passed away together. l will
be unable to transact secular business for
many months excuse my emotion" As
! made this remark clapped my hand
kerchief to my eyes and counterfeited
j intense grief. The man went away In
tears. Fearing that another creditor