The Stark County Democrat. [volume] (Canton, Ohio) 1833-1912, 1875-07-29

HUMOROUS.
vents-Births.

waste somebody else's.
Boys see their palmy days when they
arrive at q spanking age.
1t is said that Digger Indians are nev-
er known to smile. They are grave
Diggers.
II is a saddening 81 ectacle to see peo'
pie squander money, and know thaI you
can't help them doit
The third husband of fascinating wo-
man spent his last breath in lmplorlGg
her not to marry till after the funeral.
A Milwaukee lady who paid $50 to
have Wart removed from her nose,
now wants to know what's become OF the
nose.
A Northern man who wintered in
Florida brought home l l,569,45O flea bites
and an aligator's tooth as trophies OF his
visit.
The Springfield Republic has female
compositor that weighs 100 pounds, and
vet she bothers the foreman for fat"
everyday.
The story of man who had nose 80
lalge that he could not blow it without
the use of gunpowder, has turned out to
be hoax.
A flirt had an offer of marriage the
other evening, and rushing up stairs,
said Mamma, am l engaged to any
body now?"
The Empress of Japan cautions her
Young lady friends about talking loudly
on the street, like the vulgar American
girls"
At last place of refuge has been
found for bald-headed men, In Tonga
Tabon only the sterner sex is allowed to
wear false hair.
An Aberdeen girl supposes that the
reason she has never kindled flame in
any mans heart is because she is not
good match.
Patrick says that the bad condition of
western railways is owing to the fact that
the whistling Of the locomotive "wakens
the sleepers,"
"For whom are you concerned" asked
a iudge of a LAWYER. &C. am concerned for
the plaintiff, Your Honor, but Pm EN-
ployed by the defendant" was the reply
"See," said sorrowing wife, chow
peaceful the cat and dog are" "1es, ,"
said the petulant husband "but just tie
them together, and then see how the fur
will fly"
"Girls," observes an experienced mat
ron, remember that those men make
the best husbands who can swallow a
dozen hairs to. an ounce of butter with
out knowing it,"
A little four-year old woke up very
early one morning, and seeing the full
moon from the window, innocently re-
marked: II should think it was about
time for bod to take that moon in"
The ghost of Noah Webster came to
spiritual medium in Alabama, not long
since, and wrote on slip of paper: ut is
tite times" Noah was right, but we are
sorry to see he has gone back on his Die
tionary.
Augustus DEAR" said she, tenderly,
pushing him from her as the moonlight
flooded the bay-window where they were
standing, II think you had better try
some other hair dye; your mustache
tastes like turpentine."
A young lady who prided berself on
geography, seeing a candle aslapt, re-
marked that it reminded her of the
Cleaning tower of Pisa" eyes" replied
wag, with this difference-that is a
tower in Italy, while this is a tower in
grease"
A couple of disputatious neighbors
were contending as to which was the
oldest business in the world, when the
wife of one of them, with her babe in
her arms, silenced them by declaring
that the oldest business in the world was
the nursery business.
Old Baron Rothschild gave louis to a
charity fund, and the person receiving it |
said: "Ah, Monsieur Baron, you only
gave one louis, and your son gave five."
"And reason enough" said the Baron
"his father is millionaire, and | am on
ly poor orphan"
A religious weekly of high standing
gives this advice: "Kiss, but never tell"
1t is very excellent advice, too; but it |
often happens that man who has taken
kiss feels so good after it, that, like the
boy who finds lost jack-knife, he must
either tell or bust.
clair gettin' little thin, sir" said the
barber. "Young man." said John Henry,
looking down upon him from the height
of solemn experience; "young man,
when you are married you will never
aIlude in that thoughtless manner to do
mestic Affections. No; don't apologize.
NV feelingsare blunted. But is there not
some mysterious ougent-some soft se-
ductive compound-that makes the hair
more slippery to the grasp%
In the Office of one of the Detroit ho-
tells recently, a gentleman snapped his
finger to boot black, and as he put his
foot on the box he said: "You look like
a good, smart boy" "See here, mister?"
replied the boy as he rose up, brush in
either hand, "1ve had that game played
on me dozen times, and now l want to
know whether this is a cash shine or
whether you're going to pat me on the
head when | get through and tell me
that I'll be Governor'of Michigan some
dayf"
A pedestrian passing along Macomb
street, San Francisco, saw father, stag
gering drunk, being led along by rag
ged son, and he felt so mad that he ex-
claimed "see here, you debased sot, if
you had a spark of manhood in your
rum-burned soul, you would not make
such a public spectacle as this |" ''Mizzer"
replied the man, reaching out his hand
to shake, "Mizzer, I've been drunkard
FIR thirty-four years, and these are the
fust kind words zhever spoken to me
Gimme hand, mizzer-Pm going to re-
form right away"