Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1875-03-05
MISCELLANEOUS.

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People who are always wanting some
thing new should try neuralgia.
The seafaring men of Newfoundland
call pastors the shippers of the churches.
Once when bad man died, savage
wit, on learning OF the event, observed that
the average value of mankind was sensibly
increased.
1t must make a man feel mean to pay
an old debt because he thinks he is going to
die, and then have the doctor pull him
through all right.
If there is one time more than another
when a woman should be entirely alone.
IT is when line full of clothes comes down
in the sand.
-"Can you ~ asked st. Louis boy
of an officer who arrested him. Like
shot," was the reply. "Then come on"
said the boy, and off he went.
Mr.. Spencer, of Moodus, CAL, cast de-
spairing look upon his 21st child the other
day. No wonder they call repeating rife
Spencer.
One Of the most interesting and hotly
contested lawsuits ever known in Michi-
gan arose from the fact that two women
claimed the same waterfall.
II thought t was queer he did MT hol-
Ter out the last time 1 hit 'im," said Mrs.
Huse OF Chicago, to the jury, when she was
on trial for the murder of her husband
-"How charmingly naive she is" said
young beau to crusty old gentlemen.
"KnaveP exclaimed the latter, gazing
through his spectacles toward the coquett-
ish young beauty indicated. "I should saw
more of fool.''
The Observer gives the following scene
on the cars not many miles from Utica:-
Enter lady, who addresses a we'll known
railroad official with, "Mr. - do you think
Mr.. Beecher is guiltyH" "Guilty of what,
madam" Exit lady, suffused with blush
es.
"A three-year-old youngster saw a fell
low, very drunk, lacking through the street.
Mamma" said he, "did God make that
manf" Mamma replied in the afIi rmative.
The little fellow reflected for a moment,
and then exclaimed, 81 wouldn t have done
itW
Napoleon was, one day, searching for
book in the library at Malmaison, and at
last discovered it on a shelf somewh hat above
his reach. Marshal Money, who was pres
ent-one of the tallest men in the army
stepped forward saying, "Perm it me, sire
l am higher than you." ." You are longer,
man." said the emperor.
"A good deacon, making an official visit
to dying neighbor, who was very churl-
ish and an universally unpopular man, put
the usual question "Are you willing to go
my friend ?" "Oh, yes" said the sick man,
~ am" "Well," said the simple minded
deacon, 81 am glad you are, for all the
neiGhbors are willing"
Tho Stats Zeltung is laboringto dissipale
the common, though erroneous, opinion
that the Germans have no conception of
joke. An Indiana paper having said of
Gov. Allen that "Every time he opens his
mouth he puts his foot in it," The S. u.
translates it thus: at is said that every
time Herr Allen speaks he puts his foot in
his mouth"
During trial the judge called a wit
ness. No one answered, until an elderly
gentleman arose and solemnly said, "IIe is
gone" "Where has he gone ?" asked the
judge, in no tender tone. 81 don't know
he is dead" was the guarded answer.
"A colored preacher remarked: "When
God made de fust man He set him up agin
de fence to dry" "Who made dc fence ?"
interrupted an eager listener. "Put dat
man outW exclaimed the preacher "Such
| questions as dat ID destroy all de theology
in de world"
One of the reasons why fight frequent
ly occurs in Montana churches is that while
the preacher is praying, the congregation
sit on the backs Of chairs and frequently
calculate, "Thst's right, ole hoss I" "Bully
for your "He's book sharp" "Thars a
lie," etc. Sometimes the ministers get rled
and then disturbance ensues.
"A stylish young man recently stopped
at an inn in a small town in California. He
called for the drinks for all about the place
several times, and waved his hand in lord
ly way to the innkeeper, as though to say,
"This is mine" He was so agreeable that
they all took quite a liking to him. Next
morning afler breakfast he was starting of,
when the host apologetically remarked,
"That little BILL" "oh, bless your soul,
my friend, haven't got cent" said the fell
low. "Then why didn't you tell me so be-
foreH" asked the host. "Well," replied the
traveller, "If you hadn't been so inquisi-
tive wouldn't have told you now" The
point was well taken and the landlord in
sisted on wrapping up bottle of his best
for the stylish young man to take along as a
Travelling comDaniOn