The Republican journal., 1875-02-04
My Neighbors.

My Neighbors.
My lines are cast in pleasant places. / am
girt about with safety. In no event of life can
| go far wrong, for | am constrained to keep
that just, middle course which is sometimes
called the golden mean. My neighbor on my
left is a furious radical while my right is
guarded by my conservative neigllbor who
well fills Jerrold's definition, IA man who will
not look at the new moon out Of respect to that
ancient institution the old one. My heart is
| sometimes torn by conflicting emotions, as the
novelists say, between these two friends who
are so careful that I shall not go astray for any
lack Of wise counsel. They are good friends
to me, although not kindly disposed to each
other, and | have much quiet enjoyment when
they sometimes meet by accident on the neutral
ground of my premises There is an endeaVor
on the part of both to be polite on these occH-
sions, which effort is too eXhaustiug to last
long, and invariably ends i'll an edSing away
from each other with low growls, like two big
dogs which have been patronizing Il little one.
Being by nature conservative | incline to my
right hand neghbor, Mr. Summerson, and his
advice is more easy to follow because the Old
adage, Let Veil enough alone" is the domin-
ant chord in his pleasant injunctons but | am
| not long left i'll sweet dalliance with my heart ;
choice, for Mr.. Bounce, my left hand friend,
comes in soon after to Stitfen me up from the
effect of " that fellow Summerson's foolish
talk
| have a great respect for both of these gen
tenen, and find so many estimable qualities in
each that it is a most difficult thing for me to
decide which | like the more. Ny natural
leaning. as l have said, is toward Summcrson,
because of his supremacy easy way of getting
around troublesome questions of policy and
action, and his genial manner and pleasant
views of life and its duties and hopes; but
when my rain water cistern in the cellar bursts,
or the sill. of my stable have rottcd out, and
Bounce comes right over and bosses the Job of
rebuilding the cistern, or putting in new stills,
decides every thing for me without giving me
| the trouble of a thought, and does it all in the
most thorough and economical manner, am
grateful to him and congratulate myself that |
have radical friend.
From time to time | make an effort to haf-
| monte the conflicting elements in the charact-
ers of these my friends, but, although | have
not yet given up the hope Of ultimately effect
ing this desirable purpose, [ have hitherto
lamentably failed to do more than establish Il
kind Of armed neutrality, in which they neglect
none of the preparations for war, while vigil
| antly guarding themselves against IN actual
outbreak of hostities Each, having made a
prOtege OF me because ofmy comparative youth,
is jealous of any influence which the other may
appear to have over me, So Were | to accept
the advice of either and allow 1t to influence my
action, l should mortaly offend the other. Thus
| am driven. i'll every case where it is feasible,
to steer middle course, deviating in no degree
to the right nor to the left, and avoiding Sum
| merson's Scylla and Bounce's Charybds with
| AS much care Us did the ancient nayi@ators of
| the Messenan Strait.
Bounce is skilled in diplomacy, or believes
| himself to be, and although he cannot give
uttcrance to a sentence of a dozen words with
| out much stammering anti many hens and
| nhWs, sui he has great confidence m Ills aurOll.
ness as negotiator, and often tells me that if
| have any little matter which requires some
| management good horse sense and a certain
|
willing to undertake it for me if do not fee
| competent to its management, but on no ac-
| count must | go to Summerson about it. SUM
merson quite as often expresses the fear that |
| am allowing myself to fall under the influence
| Of Bounces radical notions; assuring me that
| am doing very We'll that he has great hopes
of my success; that should be content to let
| well enough alone; and then goc, on to warn
| me of the inevitable fate which awaits me if |
| give to the seditious utterances of that man
| Bounce-a radical who hopes and expects to
| assist in the oVerturn Of all the tne-honorcd
| institutions of the land--a subycrter of the
most cherished and long-estabished principles
an iconocast--a bull in u china shop. And
now, my dear b. he goes on, "this man sets
up as casuiSt, he will decide YOU ease Of
conscience off hand; he will pass upon the
tawfuness or unlawtulnes. Of any of your acts
by rules and principles drawn from the Scrip
lures from the laws of society, or from equity
and natural reason, when he knows no more
OF the Scriptures than a Mohammedan. no more
Of the laws of society than a boor from the
steppes of Russia, and no more of equity and
natural reason than Revised Statutes attorney
He will probably offer you his service, in fines
sc. ] hope you will have nothing 10 do With
him." Which goes to show how one GOOD man
may be prejudiced in regard to another GOOD
man, and that am 'hedged m in 4 manner
that would please Miss Phelps
Not day passes that | do not spend some
portion of ii in trying to devise way 70 brine
these my friends to recognize the virtues. and
pat out of sight the Objectionable pecu liar
tiles each of the other. Were | a sulfiriantJv
good actor would venture to tI.y the ntfant az
death-bcd scene. | would be taken ,,nldnnl-
with cerebro-spinal meningitis, and rapi,lIy an
PI0aeh dea'h ; door; by completely with the
doctor | should be given up by him. and Send
for my friends. Then would come the tno of
war. They are old birds, and would need =,
good deal of grain with their chat But I
would try the effect of Il partially tiarkoned
room, liberal application of nee1 fin, or
p0adfe de rjg to my face, and laceration of
their feelings i'll view of my immediate demise
With diving cadence in INV voice I womb ra-
count their many acts of Kindness to me The
P""fe9e OF both, then iecbly claSping their
hands with my attenuated digits | would i'm
piore them (still with the dying cadence in NV
voice, but with no tears on account or the
powder, and because the diving never wepp)
to insure peaceful rest in the caskct AWAITING
me, by swearing an eternal friendship with
hands Joined across my dead or DIVING Lody
Ii the thing should work, / could then Give
them my blessing, and they could then be led
out much affected. Then the doctor coull
gently and slowly lead me back from death,
door, not having knocked, which rescue would
add to his fame, and the three friends, united
by death, would live happy ever after, and have
some good times together.
This il one of the numerous plans which have
run through my mind, but | am satisfied that if
would not work" | am no actor. and am il,
robust health; and if there should be a slin-pn
l tremble to think of the consequences Of bar-
ing Summerson and Bounce face TO f,ce across
my bed, with hands firmly gripped, discover at
the last moment that they We're hoaxed. tbinl