The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1875-06-25
Nopsensical Titles.

The American people, as general thing,
are noted for sound common sense and a
hatred of foolish show, but there is one very
silly national characteristic which deserves
to be hooted down-that is, the system of
comforting and accepting titles which were
never earned such as General Judge, Colonel,
Major, Honorable, Esquire, Professor, dc.
To such an extent has this been carried that
an ordinary assemblage of Americans is al
most certain to contain two or three persons
with high sounding but entirely bogus titles,
and public meeting Of any size generally
embraces as many "Kurnels" as bag full of
walnuts, Generals enough for the army Of
Xerxes and minor officers and titled person-
| ages sufficient for small kingdom and n
number to spare. 1t is said that a stick
thrown at dog, in Washington, hit two
| Colonels, an Honorable and Judge. Very
few of the military titles were ever earned
on battle field, and if they were, it would
be much better, in a republic like ours, to
lay them aside along with the sword and
uniform. The silliest of all titles, however,
are those adopted by some secret societies.
The leading officials Of some petty society
will, like mary Italian noblemen, frequently
possess more titles than shirts, and nothing
can be more ridiculous than to see n batch of
useless titles strung out after a mans name
like the bobbined tail of kite. Our humble
friend, Peter Muggins, who peddles clans or
carries the hod peacefully, and who was
| - than fl,o Ia,
allows, comes out, perhaps, on the list of
some secret society, with titles enough after
his name to swamp the Grand Duke Alexis.
"Most Worshipful Grand So-and so " don't
look well before or after the name of poor
little Thomas Tomtit, who is five feet high,
and trembles at the sight of strange dog
and Grand Worthy Sir Knight Commander
Bobbs should feel ashamed TO wear such a
title, aud strut around as if proud Of it,when
he knows that he has more than once
shuddered under the bed-clothes, aud seut
his wife down stairs at night to see if there
were burglars in the house when the cat was
scratching among the coal in the cellar.
Why not call a man in lodge or society a
| SCCICldll vi IL llCttSulClj VI AZ lNl III
Worshipful Grand Worthy Scribe, or some
other nonsensical title, apparently compiled
by some insane photographer? There are
plenty of Generals" who never discharged
a firearm, and "Colonels" who could neither
drill squad of recruits nor tell in which
end of the musket the load should be in
serted. ''Prolessor" is another name which
has become anything but honorable to its
possessor. When we see "Prof" before a
mans name, it does not imply, as in former
days, that he is an instructor in some college
or educational institution, but the impress
sion at sight is that he is a balloonist, 6
sleight-of-hand performer, or swindler who
? sings songs on street and sells brass pens
and bogus jewelry. Toadying papers are cir
culatng, as remarkably funny, an instance
of Paul Boyton having answered a question
of Princess Beatrice with eyes, Miss, (which
sensible people will contend was perfectly
proper for a free-born brave American, anC
of Queen Victoria having Laughed outrigh
when at the close of her interview with him
he said he hoped Her Majesty wonld over
look any detection of etiquette on his par
on the plea, you see, madam, it is not to b'
expected I'm posted up in this business. D
As the Queen is not allowed to even speak
to shop-keeper, but addresses all he
. questions to lackey called an "equerry,
l who carries on the conversation for her,sucl
a common-sense homely apology would o
course be considered out Of place in Giea
, Britain; but Americans should kpeel 10 II
sovereign, and if our citizens respect them
selves and their great country, they will fee
proud that their counilyman who did nc
fear the raging A,lau.ic he'd as little dread c
British criticism. He apoogized in his rsra
language, and no more could justly be ex
pected. He showed no rudeness nor insc
l lence, and was more worthy of respect tina
!. if he had knelt on the steps of the throne.
Another silly error is the naming of chi
dren for illustrious persons. Names impI
no honor. Cesar, The colored bOot-blacB
bears the name of mighty man, but poo
colored Caesar only seems so much NOR
; ridiculous on that account that he would n
doubt rejoice heartily if his name was aplai
common-sense one. A great name quenche
> individuality on the part of a child or MAJ
> How ridiculous it seems when we read, 9
VI we often do, that George Washington ha
= been arrested for stealing chickens, @
Horace Greeley hanged for abducting
mule Then just think how those youn
men must feel whose parents named thel
> for Henry Ward Beecher or Theodore Tiltor
For republic like ours, the plain "Mr.
should be sufficient or it would be still bel
ter to come down to the Democratic, Quake
system of no title whatever. The abuse c
titles has led some OF our most prominer
u United States Senators and statesmen to di
SC claim the prefix of "IIon entirely, viii
Is the number of "Esquires" has become 5
u great that many lawyers and justices of tn
peace, who alone have right to thi
y designation, are endeayoring to do ava
l. with the title, which, like the many militar
&c titles, is no longer mark of distinction
&c Let us hope that the time will soon con
le when it will be as unusual to hear pla
le American citizen addressed as Honorabl
benerul, AOlOuCl, JuuSc VI L lIOlcaoOl hS
ID now is to hear his oocupationhabitually us,
before his name, as Bricklayer John Dobl
ly Lawyer John Doe, Contractor joel Pippi
~ Scavenger William Nitecart, or Gente
~ Loafer Thomas Titeboots, which prefix
y would really be much more sensible al
ry appropriate than the ridiculous bogus on
y foolishly conferred and thankfully accept
rk by would be imitators of European aristo
ir racy.-Reading Gazette
IS
We How to Keep Children Pure.
ry "Will you not use your influence in tryi
re to deter large boys from contaminating
l. 1 !. Il.