Bristol news. [volume] (Bristol, Va. & Tenn.) 1867-189?, 1875-08-03

Gers of Saturn! This star. to the na-
keG eye, appears 10 larger than a sill
YER haii-dollar, and yet Tor the paltry
sum of ten cents this noble young
man is placed within one mile of il -
by Jerusalem and coons :" mar
INJURED the young man as lie slapped
his leg.
Tell me what you see, my friend. 4"
~ see too fellows in small room,
smoking cigars and playing euchre."
was the prompt reply.
'Saturn is 5000, eco of miles from
this town" continued the astronomer,
land yet the insignificant sum of 10
cents has enabled this progressive
young man to learn for himself, that
the celestial beings enjoy themselves
pretty much as We DO III this world. -
L venture to say that there is not a
man in this crowd who ever knew be-
fore that the inhabitants of Saturn
knew anything about euchre or had
cigar factories"
The instrument was changed again,
and as the interest of The crowd in
creased, and as the people began to
press nearer, the Professor said:
"Now, behold the planet Mars, the
second largest piannet in the heavens.
1t is -, ,46l.354 miles from here, and
appears to the naked eye to be moth
ing more than bright star and vet
let this young man tell you what he
Sees.f -'....r:.. '...
Half mile up the street in the top
story of big building was an eve
ming school. The telescope got the
f of 4 IL,
young man almost leaped from the
stool as he shouted; Hockey to alliga-
tors!" e.. ~.
1T has been asserted by college as
tronomers. that the planet Of Mar is
not inhabited" remarked the Profess
sOr in quiet, cutting tones. Some Of
them pulled up with their arrogance,
have called me swiHdler, aud have
abused this instrument, which was
constructed for me 10y order Of the late
emperor Napoleon at cost OF $40, $50.
but let this observing young man tel!
you whath Sees
'WhetstOnes and WhiiIletrees :" eX-
claimed the young man.
Tell them-tell them, my young
friend, whGt you see,' urged the as
trOnnmeT.
There's a fellow sitting ON a bench
beside a girl. i saw him piach her
ear and she him with book, Darn
my bottoms but she's alfred purity"
"Gentleman, | am no blOW-hard,
said the professor in husky tones II
co not want to say wha. this telescope
can do. You have the wCrd of one of
your fe!luw-tOWnSmen, and ! dO'n6t
believe that any of you Will dispute
him. i have been called swIndIe
gentlemen, because | go around the
country tearing away from asst OnOHy
the, veil of mystery with which so
called Professors, drawing heavy sal /
ries. seek Ia cover it. For the redicu-
IOUs sum of ten cents am giving the
public more astronomical knowledge
III half an hour than any college Pro-
fessOr can give you in six months. |
demonstrate to you that planet of Mars
is not only inhabited by human be,
ing, but by beautiful girls with red
hair''and stylish young men wearing
the'bcst kind of stOre-cIothCs.
Once more he wheeled the instru-
ment around. This time it got the
range Of the upper story of tenement
house on the hill. The young man
had scarcely taken a glance through
the tube when be yelled out:
Great guns! But what planet is
this?"
"You are now looking at Uranus, ,"
replied the professor. Uranus is 97,-
502, ,3O4 miles distant from the eartn,
and yet | warrant that ii doesn't APP
pear over eighty rods away to you
VIII you be kind enough. my friend,
to tell this crowd what you see?
"Give it to him! Whack him back!
Go in, old woman ~ shouted the
young man, slappiug one leg and
| then the other.
Speak up, my friend. what do
| you see?"
"Thal's it! Got him by the hair
now! I'll bet fifty to one that she'll
| lick ~
Won't you be kind enough my
friend, to allay the curiosity of your
| friends ?'
WhOop! that's it now she's got
him. Purtiest family fight l evcI
saw" cried the young man as hC
moved back and clapped his hands.
The Professors covered up the in,
strument slowly and carefully. picked
up and unlocked a satchel which haC
been lying near his feet, and then soft
| ly said:
Gentlemen, we will pause here fol
a moment. When man tells you af-
ter this that the planet of Saturn is moi
inhabited, tell him that you know bet
ter, that it is not only inhabited, bu
that the married couples up there
have family fights the same as on thi.
mundane sphere. In about ten min.
utes will be ready again to explain
! the wonders and beauties OF thC
| sparkling heavens to such of you u:
! prefer a million dollars worth o
scientific knowledge to ten cents il
vile dross.
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