The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1875-06-04
Light Reading.


We find self-made men very often, but
self-unmade ones a great deal oftener.
When does the wind deserve reproof?-
When it whistles through the house.
"Thieving in the outskirts" is the latest
designation for picking ladies' pockets.
A man who attended a cat show, said it
was the most ame,Csing exhibition he ever
saw.
"You look as if you were beside your
self" said wag to fellow who stood by
donkey.
$50 far, so good, as the boy said when he
finished the first pot of his mothers pre-
serves.
"NIy son, it is bad grammar to say, that
are pistol" "Why, pa, | heard you say
that air gun"
Cincinnati claims to have the best hotel
cook in the world. He gets up frog suppers
out of mutton.
"The vilest sinner may RETURN" wrote
pious girl to her lover, with whom she had
parted in anger.
What is the difference between a spend
thrift and a feather-bed ?-One is hard up,
and the other soft down.
Mary and Charles, "What animal dropped
from the clouds" "The rain, DEAR" was
the whispered reply.
A gentleman, endowed with q great
amount of brass, desires to meet lady pos
sessing a corresponding amount of tin.
A New Orleans colored lady remarks that
her husband holds the distinguished position
of stupidnumery on the metropolitan po-
lice"
The boy who borrowed a dictionary re-
turned it With the remark that it was inter-
esting, but somehow changed the subject
very often.
"Boys will be boys" said an indulgent
mother. "Not always, ma we hope to be
men, if we live long enough" exclaimed
one of the hopefuls.
| A Chicago paper announces that the trus-
tees of the seminary in that city are going
to put an addition to the building, to accom-
modate eighty-six students 200 feet long"
A girl in Iowa brought a suit for breach
of promise, basing her claim on the fact that
"said defendant repeatedly and on divers
occasions winked at the plaintiff in spelling
school,"
"Where a woman" says Mrs. Partington,
''has been married with q congealing heart,
and one that beats desponding to her own,
she will never want to enter the maritime
state again."
We see it stated in the fashionable intel
ligence" that "ladies are going to wear their
hair this season as they did 300 years ago."
We had no idea that there were any such
old ladies about
A hotel keeper at a station on the Central
Pacific Railroad is said to call his guests to
dinner by discharging one barrel Of a double
barreled gun. He reserves the other barrel
to collect with.
gentleman of Alabama was lying in bed
one morning, when a friend stepped in and
said, "Smith, breakfast is coming up" "Let
it come" replied Smith, with look of de
ance "pm not afraid of it,"
a lunatic in Bedlam was asked how he
came there. He answered, "By dispute" !"
"What dispute?' The Bedlamite replied,
"The world said I was mad; I said the
world was mad; and they outwitted me-"
There is a grocer in Pennsylvania who is
said to be so mean that he was seen to catch
a flea off his counter, hold him up by the
| hind legs, and look into the cracks Of his
, feet to see if he hadn't been stealing some
of his sugar.
A New York lady, travelling out West,
said to a ferry-man on the upper Mississippi,
"Are passengers ever lost in this river"
"Lord bless you, mum, no; we al'ays find
Il 'em, if it takes a week." was the consoling
reply.
: An Alabama orator, in a recent speech,
I said: "Here l intended to close, but new
thought comes rushing like mighty comet
through the heaven of mind, scattering sys-
i TENS in its path"-and he scattered the audi,
ence 10y going on
A young Irishman, who had married when
about 10 years of age, complaining of the
Is difficulties to which his early marriage sub
o ected him, said che would never marry Sc
4 Young again if he lived to be rs old as Me
= thnsalem.'
. An idle man once asked a coal merchan
: what a peck of coal, multiplied by eight
&c divided by four, with ton added to them
or and bushel subtractcd, would come to. 81
Is you burn 'em," said the coal merchant
W they'll come to ashes"
SC A New York paper lays down a numbe
IL of rules of action in case OF ones clothe
" catching fire, and concludes by recommend
- ing any lady who should unfortunately fin
rs herself enyeloped in the flames of her burr
H. ing garments, to "keep as cool as possible.
80 81 think can suit you to a hair" said
Lo boarding-house laud-lady to a bachelor AZ
~ plicant who had been stating his require
sa ments. "Suit me to hair, ma'am! l hoI
=, not; that's what my last landlady tried
do and gave me three samples in Il
,so butter"
ON a gentleman, meeting an old friend who
Of he had not seen for long time, congrat
or. lated him on lately coming into possessi,
ho of a large landed estate. "There was SUI
,ho Il report" replied the other; "but you m
mo depend upon it that it was quite groundles
~. A Frenchman having heard the VIC
or press made use of to signify persuasion
her as, press that gentleman to take somethi
to eat-took occasion one evening at a pa
led to use a term which he thought syhonymo
,ar- and begged Il friend to squeeze a young |,
rs to sing,
inp Gould you," said young lady teacher
cut a Sunday School, after what have b,
icb reading to you, forgive your enemy? that
ON could you forgive another boy if he str
to you?' "Why, yes said the little rus
tier doubling his fists, "if he was good d
,inp bigger than me-
hat, The undertaken is parsonage of i'll !
bev sage to the house of life; raven on
:. =. - 1 l. :. 4