The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-10-30
BUDGET OF FUN.


A w coming man writes that he Will give
500 Of venture "for the high hind hoss Oh
the American rifle team"
Two little boys at play on the lawn. Molh.
,er calls: willie, what makes llttie orolher
CRY soY' Willie; ma. he catched bum
bile bee, and hurted hisself on It,
An Alabama paper complains that between
chicken cholera and protraced colored meet
ings the poultry raising industry Is seriously
depressed.
There is a Flatbush widow who regulates
.be hours of pretty nearly all the married
men in the heighborhood by letting loose
tlerce mastiff about o'clockP. NJ.
Almost every wagon from the country
brings in a load Of cOrpulent cabbage, alder
manic potatoes and editorial pumpkins.
"Ths egg won't hatch" was the courteous
dismissal addressed by an Indiana girl to
disagreeable sutton
III Smith undertakes to pull my ears" said
Jones' "he Will just have his hands full now"
The crowd looked at the mans ears, and
thought so, too.
New Bedford is said to have but one whaler
ieft-A schoolmaster
Ambition is very well expressed in the re-
mark Of a small boy with mouse IN trap:
II hope to have menagerie some day.
Naturalists have decided that no hen can
lay over six hundred eggs. Therefore, when
you have checked off that figure you can sell
her for spring chicken.
I'll learn you to play pool, you miserable
fool, was the exclamation OF wife as she LED
her husband nome by the right ear one night
last week.
A Tennessee lawsuit has Outlived two faith
ers, one mother, four sons and twelve wit
mes ses, besides the dog about which 1t started.
We CAN VoTE.-On and after today, the
Sentinel will be entitled to the elective fran
chise, so to speak. We are twenty.one years
old, and enter upon our 22d volume with
bright prospects for the future.
She was one of those sentimental young
creatures who inger at the doorway to bid
you goodbye in the starlight, and after she
parted from him the other night, she went up
10 her room ,murmuring: Eyes, would know
it was hard times, by the kind OF hair oil he
uses now"
tits pleasant thing to see roses and lilies
grrwiag upon young lady's cheek, but a
bad sign to see mans face break out IN
blossoms Joke of the professional agricul-
turist.
"And the spears shall be turned into prun-
ing hooks" AT Salt Lake, cavalry swords
are sold for corn-cutters.
Somebody in Georgia court "applauded,'
whereup0n the Judge Indignantly remarked,
Nov dry up; will let you know this is no
camp meeting"
A girl being accused of triflng with her
lovers feelings, replied, II plead jilty.'
A crrsty old bachelor explains that the
reason woman puts her finger in her mouth
when she thinks, is because she cannot talk
and think at the same time.
1t is alleged that the population of Indian
apolis is made up of persons who have miss
ed connections at that point
A South Carolina lady has lawsuit against
the United States IN which she claims SILL
100000 She would be satisfied with six or
seven States and Territories.
There are plenty of girls who are too fee
bic to drive broom over dusty carpet, Dut
they can swing croquet mallet with the
force OF pile.driver, for hours at time.
A cracking fire-pan of apples-girl anx
ious to be loved-old folks dreaming; ali
who said he wanted summer to last thousand
years.
Don't mistake this for "Indian Summer
1t is only little Hayssey as result OF the
storm IN Ohio, last week.
Something worth thinking about-lf ne
cessity IS the mother of invention is moth
er.in-law the invention of necessity OF inven
.tion.
George, dear don't you think it rather ex
travagant of you to eat butter with that de
Iclous JAM No, love-economical. Same
piece of bread does Tor both.
Troy sends ,inaman to State Prison fol
bigamy when tn" poor fellow was only try
ing to get p wife who wouldn't kick the skin
off his knees NJ ~ the table when he found
fault with the way she cooked rats.
Unjust make woman feal mean to take
poison, write two or three farewell letters up
braid her husband, and then be saved by {
stomach pump.
The following is the latest version of the
opening of a wcll-known song
My mother bids me'bind my hair,
But does not tell me which:
Does she mean the piece on my bedroom chair
Or my fty-dOllar switch!
"Pa, guess our man Ralph is goot
Christian" "How so, my bOy?' why Pa
read in the Bible that the wicked shall no
live out half his days; and Ralph says he has
lived out ever since he was little boy
A school in Vermont is presided over by
cross-eyed teacher. A few days ago he callet
out; That boy that l am looking at viii
step out on the floor" Immediately twenty
seven lads walked out In front of the aston
iShed pedagogu0.
A countryman went to see his lady-love anC
wishing TO be conversational, observed, "Th'
themomckron is twepIy degrees above zer'
this evening" "Yes, innocently replied TIT
maiden, such kinds of birds do fly hghe
some seasons of the year than others"
Colonel Fo-ney appears il the personal
Of the Italian papers as CapItano Giovann
Fornez, and he is IN danger of being mistaken
for a bandit.