The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1875-04-29

| "Oh nothing, only trying to hit Frank
on the fingers with the hatchet.
They have discovered Michael Angeles
private correspondence; and it's good
thing for poor Mike that he was never
in Brooklyn.
Babies are not named Henry Ward as
much as they used to be. but they are
still famous for paroxysms of true in
wardness.
A woman in Dawson, Ca, accidentally
bit her tongue off the other day, and
since that, her husband gets home every
evening two hours earlier than usual.
A gentleman offered guest tiny
glass of whisky saying: Drink that; it
won't hurt you" "Ill be bound it
wouldn't replied the guest, "even fit
was vitriol."
Wait till Theodore's mother-in-law
gets on the stand Did that young man
say her mouth was like gate? It is a
declaration of war, and there shall be
such a war as that young man has not
dreamed of thus far.
Miss Nilsson has been ordered by her
physician to warmer climate; but Mr..
Nilsson says that if there is warmer
climate than the one he has lived in for
some months back he isn't aware of it.
Nellie's Sartoris has joined the Wash
ington Gymnasium. 1t is not the pun
for we have used that before-but it is
our anxiety for dear, darling Nellie,
which irresistibly impels US to remark
that these gymnastics are Sartorisky.
"Why is it," asks an exchange "that
| rooplIr in WaOhiop
ton is handsome woman?' 1t is simply
because nearly every Senator's wife who
is not a handsome woman is left at
| home
1t was probably an attack of the green
eyed monster, that induced the Chicago
Inter-Ocean to say that "on the night
that Victoria Woodruff lectured and the
can-can appeared, the Common Council
of Jackson, Mich, failed to have
| quorum"
Several passengers on the lower Mis-
sissippi were attracted by the alligators
basking in the sunshine. "Are they
amphibious, Captain?" asked looker-on.
"Amphibious, thunderp answered the
enthusiastic officer, they'll eat hog
minute"
A Boston dramatic critic says of gift--,
ed actress: "She wore a handsome
dress, and thereby hunga trail. Her
subtle grace, flexible as-5he sinuosities of
mornings mist, and yet thoroughly
proportioned to the curves of the char
acter, are most especially noticeable"
policeman met negro at night car
rying trunk along the street, and col
Jared him. The negro explained: "De
family what was boarding me has been
axing for money, and as dey was gone
out tonight 1 thought 1 would get into
some family whar dey respected de
panic.
Ned Vose used to travel around Colo
RADIO with a performing bear, but great
change came one day last week. and now
the bear travels around alone, thinking
over old times, and occasionally leaning
up against tree as pang shoots through
his bowels. Ned is inside that bear.
'Yes, sir" yelled a preacher in Da-
kota church one Sunday morning.
there's more lying and swearing and
stealing, and general deviltry to the
square inch in this here town than all the
rest of the American country" and then
the congregation got up and dumped the
preacher out of the window
n uAIHASSObes
the death sentence, tenderly observed:
eff guilty, you richly deserve the fate
that awaits you; if innocent it will be .
qualification for you to feel that you were
hanged without such crime on your
in either case you will be
delivered from world of care"
Nol mol mol A thousand times, mol 1t
must not be done. A Swede out in So
lano county, Cal, has applied to the
courts for permission to change his name
from Peter Azel Nystrom to John Smith,
as if there were not already John Smiths
enough to craze any one who consults
to find particular ohm Smith.
When girl crops her front hair, and
pulls it down over her forehead like a
Mexican mustang. and then ties piece
of red velvet around her neck, who can
wonder at the number of pale-faced
young men that throw away their ambi-
ton, and pass sleepless nights in trying
to raise down on their upper lips?
Herbert" said perplexed mother,
why is it that you are not a better boy"
well" said the little fellow, soberly,
looking up into her face with his honest
blue eyes, II suppose the real reason is
that don't want to bel" We think the
child gave the real reason why all of us,
big as well as little, are not better than
we are
The charge that Botkin, of the Mil
waukee Sentinel, has to pull on his un-
1ershirt from below on account of the
size of his ears, is base invention.
We've known Bot. over twenty-one years,
have slept with him great many times,
and we know that his ears are hexible
In cold weather we used to use the off
one for an extra quilt.
"a pretty good story is told of one of
Governor Tilden's staff 1t is said that
when the individual referred to- first pre-
'ented himself en- niilitaire to his wife and
little daughter, the latter, after gazing at
1im in wonder for few minutes turned
70 her mother and exclaimed: "Why,
ma, that's not real soldier, it's pa2
The paying teller of the Union Savings
Bank at Oakland, California, is suffering
he agonies of the wicked by the conduct
If young man who deposited $3.50, and
ZACH day with sepulchral solemnity
comes at given hour and draws out one
lollar. Three pass books have been
lsed up, and the teller is trying to COM
promise by the offer of twenty dollar
,iece to close the account
Mother wants to know if you won't
,lease to lend her your preserving kettle
cause as how she wants to preserveT
We would with pleasure, boy, but the
act is, the last time we lent it to your
mother she preserved it so effectually
bat we have never seen il since