Litchfield enquirer., 1875-07-29
CLIP PINGS.

"Are there any fools in this city?" asked a stranger of a newsboy. "No; do you feel lonesome ?" was the reply.
 Why is a lady at ball like an arrow Because she can't go of without beau, and is in quiver till she gets one.
 Do you like codfish balls, Mir. Wig gins ?? Mir. Wiggins, hesitatingly-"I really don't know; don't recollect attend ing one"
 A philosopher asserts that the reason why ladies' teeth decay sooner than gen. tlemen's IS because of the friction of the tongue and the sweetness of the lips. rEt 'sNow, then, children" said our first dis trict school mistress showing her children off on examination day; "Who loves all men ?? "You, missus, was the unexpect- ed reply.
 Summer apples are in market. Physi- cians wear once more the gladsome air which distinguished them during the slippery season of the winter.
 Your true Missourian don't utter a con- plaint over drought, flood or whirlwind, but let him find frowy butter on the table
 
 this hour our paths diverge."
 Copy was out The devil picked up a paper and said, Here's something About a wOman'-must I cut it out?" "No!" thundered the editor; the first disturb ance ever created in the world was occa- stoned by the devil fooling about a wo- man."
 We should not despise a man whose breath smells of onions. He may be sad and heavy hearted, oppressed by grief and cankered with bitterness, and may not have noticed what he was eating. 9s A tramp who called upon a Danbury woman was shocked to hear in answer to his appeal for food-"No, we've got noth- in for the likes of you. Washington's monument isn't finished yet, and every thing we've got to spare must be given to that
 An eccentric old fellow, who lives along side of a graveyard, was asked If it was not an unpleasant location. "No:" said he. ''I never jined places in my life with a set of neighbors that minded their own business so stiddy as they do."
 Mark Twain, apropos of new portable mesquite net, writes that the day is con- ing ''when we shall sit under our nets in church and slumber peacefully, while the discOmfited flies club together and take it out of the minister" "No, gentlemen of the jury, thundered an eloquent advocate the other day in Denver Court, 'this matter is for his hon. or to decide, who sits there sleeping so beautifully" His honor opened both eyes and his mouth, and said "All owing to your narcotic speech, sir
 A Charleston Street boy told his mother at the dinner table the other day, while visitors were present, that Mrs. Wilson said she wanted her teeth returneb just as soon as the company were gone The boy eats at the second table now and is led to his meals by the ear. Fl Don't let your angry passions rise, Becauseyou neighbors advertise,
 And draw away the dimes But boldly do as they have done,
 Pursue the course they have begun
 And drive away dull times.
 A bad little boy, upon being promised five cents by his mother if he would take a dose of castor oil, obtained the money. and then told his parent that she might c1stOr oil in the street. A young man in California began to read a paragraph about a mIne to his sweetheart, commencing: "Yuba mine'- when she interrupted him with: 'I don't care if do, John." Base ball has demoralized Hartford. The careful Clemens has bought seat in the grand stand; the clergy have season tickets; and. worse than all, one enthusi- naaNW Ga~ from it's church pews and applied them to alleviating the agony of ten-inning game,
 Dr. Johnson once dined with Scottish lady who had hotch-potch for dinner. Af- ter the doctor had tasted it she asked him if it was good. ''It is good for hogs, ma'am," said the doctor. ''Then pray" said the lady, "let me help you to some more" #tE
 The members of the legal fraternity of Oswego must be remarkably active in the practice of their profession. "One has his arm in a sling. another is going dead lame with sore heel, while third has a handsomely frescoed eye" .a
 Are the young ladies of the present day fit for wives ?" asked lecturer of his audience. ''They are fit for husbands" responded a female volce "but the trou- ble is, you men are not fit for wives !" The applause was great, and so was the discontinue of the lecturer.
 One of the best double puns we have ever heard was perpetrated by a clergy man. He had just united in marriage a couple whose Christian names were re- spectively Benjamin and Ann. 'How did they appear during the ceremony?" in- quired friend. ''They appeared both Annie-mated and Bennie-fitted," was the reply.
 Vicksburg lady was recently inquir- ing of girl from over the river how Q certrin old acquaintance, who married a widOwer few months ago, got along. ''Very poorly" replied the girl; .'theres five children who ought to be spanked twice day. and Maria's left-handed and can't begin to do 'em justice. Poor wo- man ! my heart bleeds for her"
 A friend of mine and came across a ;. "spOOning" couple the other night, and remark we chanced to overhear. inspired him to relate this little story: Not long ago. at a mansion on Murray Hill, senti- mental young lady strolled with gentle man, on whom she had her eye, in the conservatory. Looking up pensively into his face, she said, with tears in her voice. ''Ahs no one loves n1e, Mr. Barnes!FT Some one does 1" 'sYes?" said the Saifv. SH n. q