Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1875-02-03
HUMOROUS

"Tx COIN to cut this yer youngster
in half and let Mrs. Murphy take the
body, while Mrs. Doolan goes home
with the legs" It was q clever idea, I
but it failed. Mrs. Murphy stepped up
to him, and doubling up Q fist that
looked like an underdone legof mutton,
she shook it close to his nose and said,
"Ef ye do, ye shpalpeen. I'll murther
We wild my own hand |" And Mrs.
Doolan seized him by the hair, threw
him to the ground, and exclaimed,
while she brandished the knife over his
PROSTATE body. Gimme the legs, will
you Gimme the legs Be me sowl,
I've a mind to kill ye and ate you J"
Then squire Doobs adjourned the case,
and while Mrs. Doolan retired with the |
boy he went ont to hunt up Bible
commentary, in order to ascertain If
there was not something about Solomon's
proceedings that he did mt understand. |
A "MoRGIToH." ."-Sambo wanted to
buy some land, but he had only half
enough money. "Well." said the land
agent, "the price is 5000, but I'll take
$3.50 and mortgage for the balance in
a year." Sambo scratched his wool.
"But, say, boss, spOse feller hant
got no morgitch?" In vain the agent |
explained. when up steps Bill, and says,
81 can lucidate that pint. A morgitch |
is like dis yer: Spose you pays de |
boss $3.50 down, and give yer word and |
honor OBJ honest nigger to pay him de |
udder $3.50 in q year ; den spOse on de
very last day OBJ de year yer pays S449
and don't pay him de oder dollar, why |
den de morgitch says de boss can joss |
take all de money and de land, and you |
don't have nuffin-not q cent" 'Sho, |
boss, a morgitch makes pusson mighty !
honest"
BISHOP AMEs tell story of white |
man in Missouri, in the olden time of |
slavery, who said to one of his servants !: |
'POmpey, 1 hear you are a great
preacher. "Yes, masss, de Lord do
help me powerful sometimes" "Well,
Pompey, don't you think the negroes
steal little things on the plantation"
''Pse mighty afraid they does. massa,
massa." ''Then, Pompey, want you to
preach a sermon to the negroes against
stealing" After a brief reflection,
Pompey replied You see, massa, dat
would never to, cause 'twould trow
such q col'ness over de meetin'."
"YoUR young friend stayed uncom-
monty late last night, and 1 was quite
inclined to come into the parlor and |
dismiss him." said an indulgent father |
to his pet of sixteen. "Oh yes, it was
pretty late but we got so interested in
discussing Ritualism that we did not |
notice the fieeting hours, papa p "Dis-
cussing Ritualism ?" sternly queried |
the father, and then he walked slowly |
away, with his hands under his coat
skirts, trying to remember what they |
called it when he was young.
TEE arrival of Marshal Bazaine at |
Madrid, has not given rise to any un- |
pleasant demonstrations. 1t seems that |
a Frenchman got up sort of charivan |
outside his house to annoy him, but on |
the beginning of the performance the |
porter went out and asked, "How much |
are they giving you for playing" ?" The
reply was, "two duros." Every well,"
was the rejoinder. "here are four ;
be of with you," and the men de-
luc llNtS Ill
thoroughly retired fashion.
'YoU have a pleasant home and
bright fireside, with happy children
sitting around it, haven't you?" said
the Judge. "Yes, SIR said Mr.. Thomp-
son, who thought he saw a way out of
the difficulty. "Well," said the Judge
eff the happy children sit around the
cheerful fireside until you return, they
will stay there Just forty three days, as
l shall have send you up for that time"
"ARE you going after that sugar ?"
called mother to her boy, who was in
the street. "Am 1 going after that
sugar ?" drawled the youth in saucy
and impudent tone but Just then he
happened to see his father coming up
behind him, and he said very respect
fully and lovingly; "Why, of course
am, ma didn't know you needed it
right away"
THE cultivated cannibals of FIJI are
just now divided on question of taste.
One party claims that the most exqui-
site flavor is impaired to roasted
missionary by cooking the subject alive
while others think he should be killed,
hung up and allowed to season awhile.
Which side of the question is taken by
the man to be cooked can only be sur
missed.
SCREENED. the time that the
late Sir Robert Peel was Premier, Lady
Jane Peel was in the habit of pasting
on a screen all the articles that appeared
in the newspapers opposed to him
''There is nothing very singular in that,
remarked Peel. "It is the duty of every
good wife to screen her husbands
faults"
An old lady in town has become dis
gusted with almanacs. She says if all
the people in this country we're to stop
buying almanacs "maybe the printers
who make 'em would put in some
total eclipses of the sun and moon, and
some transits of Venuses that would be
visible here.-NorristOwn Herald.
CHARLES LAMB once said of one of
his critics 1.-The more think of him
the less I think of him." This is not
unlike Thackeray's mot: "What do
you think of Upper, as poet, he was
asked when in his country, 81 don't
think Of him as q poet" was the reply.
A THIEF was arrested in England the
other day who admitted his guilt and
asked that sentence be passed as pro-
lection to himself and the public.
For" said he. "It is terrible thing