The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-03-20
BUDGET OF FUN.


lie was from Nebraska lie had eaten
nothing but grasshoppers since the 4th oi
July, 1874, and his stomach was in an awful
condition-it was full of grasshoppers. Ha
could icel them Jumping about and trying to
kick their way out but their toenails scratch
ed his alimen,ary canal, and spasmoniC
movement of the muscles OF his th0raX forced
them back into the cavity before they reached
the root of his tongue. He had left a wife
and nine tamished children at home, and
had come to ST. Louise to collect funds TO save
his neghbors from starvation. He had not
been uccessful-perhaps because his "cre
dentals, were not strong enough. And now
if the bar-keeper would accommodate him
with spoonful of whisky--it was the only
thing that would keep the grasshoppeTs quite
in his stomach; itkinder slupehed them, ana
caused them to lie dormant for several hours,
but as soon as they sobered up they became
as lively as crickets, and played leap.frog in
the pit OF his stomach. He had killed agood
many of them with whiskey, but their eggs
were all the time Matching, and he believed
there were 10000 live ones occupying the
space designed by nature for the labratoIy Of
bread and meat and such things. He had no
money, and if the bartender would trust him
tor few drops of crowfoot, would remuner
ate him out OF his first collections for the
sufferers. By adding a little peppermint and
few grains of sugar to the liquor, the mcu.
icine would be made more potent or ftherc
was no peppermint Convenient, drop of
ginger would do rs well.
The barkeeper deeply sympathlzed with
The misrepresentation people of Nebraska.
He pitied any man who had grasshoppers In
bis stomach If whskey and peppermint
and ginger, or anything else his bar afforded
would relieve him he was welcome to par
take. He could not accept thanks for so
small favor; was only sorry he didn't have
whisky and peppermint enough to destroy all
the grasshoppers in Nebraska.
The barkeeper poured two tablespoontulsI
of the essence of Jamaica ginger into tum-
bier, added an equal quantity of pepper-sauce,
shook in a thimbletul of cayenne pepper,
empted a small vial of sulphurc acid on
top, and then sprlnkled few dlops of tan.
glefoot over the mixture, and handing the
tumbler to the Nebraskian, told him to swal-
low it quick The grasshopper plagued
stranger waited for no second invitation, but
poured the decoction down his throat at one
full swallow.
How do you like t% asked the barkeeper.
The grasshopperGd individual made no re-
ply. His ey, S rolled in their sockets, and the
tears ran out of them in streams. His mouth
was opeu wide enough to swallow the bar
keeker and all his decanterS. Heplaced Doth
hands over his stomach and cast an implor-
ing glance toward the water pitcher
do you feel 'em crawl: said the barkeeperl
in the anxious tone of sick nurse.
The stranger made no reply, but continued
to press his stomach and water the floor with
his tears.
Take some of this horse radsh, sad the
barkeeper; it will do you good
The stranger still make no reply, but grad
ually his mouth grew smaller, and his lips
contracted, and the air rushed into his throat
with whistling sound, like the winter wind
through broken window pane At length
the barkeeper took compassion upon his
writhing customer and gave him glass OF
ice water to cool his throat. When the stran.
ger was able to speak he looked reproachiu'-
ly at the medicine man, and said:
See here, stranger, if that's the.kind of stuff
you give a man for grasshoppers, I'd like to
know what in hell you'd give fellow if he
had a tapeworm"