Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1875-03-19
The Coming Wife.

She's little bit of woman, all pa
thence and sunshine, and I'd spoil the best
silk hat that money could buy for the
privilege of lending her my umbrella in a
rain storm.
She's married and she's got an old
rhinoceros of husband. He makes it
practice to come home tight at II o'clock
every other night, and has for years, and
he can't remember that she ever gave him
a cross word about it. When he falls into
the hall she is waiting to close the door
and help him back to the sitting room,
where IA good fire awaits him. She draws
off his boots, unbuttons his collar, helps
him off with his coat, and all the time she
is saying:
poor Henry. how sorry am that you
had this attack of vertigo! I'm afraid
that you will be found dead by the road
side some night
"Whazzer mean by verzhigo! = he growls;
but she helps him off with his vest and
pleasantly continues:
I'm so glad you got home all right. I
hope the day will come when you can pass
more Of your time at home. 1t is dreadful
how your business drives you"
"Whaz bishness-whaz yer talking
bout p he replies.
"Poor one-how hot your head is 2" she
continues, and presently he breaks down
and exclaims:
"Yez zur-zic's a 'orse-wearing zelf
out fhast's can-wishzi was dead y
Next morning she never refers to the
subject, but pleasantly inquiries how he
slept, and if his mind is clear. His boots
may be missing and he yells out:
Whar'n thunders nv boots y
''Right here, my DEAR" she replies, and
she hands them out, all nicely BACKED up.
If she wants dress, or hat, or cloak.
and he yells out that household expenses
are eating him up, she never "sasses" hin.
back, nor tells him that she could have
married a Congressman, nor declare that
she will write to her mother and tell her
just how it is.
That's so, my Gear--times arc hard"
she says, and she gets up just as good a
dinner as if he had left her fifty dollars.
He may come home tight at supper time,
but she is not shocked. She remarks that
it is an unexpected pleasure to have him
home so early, and she pretends not to no.
tice his stupid look. He sees three chairs
where there is but one, and in trying to
sit down he strikes the floor like the fall
of derrick
"Whazzar jaw that chat chair way forl
he yells, and she replies:
Its that hole in the carpet knew you
would stumble" and she helps him up
and brings him strong cup of tea.
They do not keep servant and when
cold weather comes she never thought of
planking herself down in chair opposite
him and saying;
Now, then, you'll either get up and
light the fires or there won't be any light
-ed--nark that, cid baldhcadss - +
No, she didn't resort to any such base
and tyranical measures When daylight
comes she slips out of bed, makes two
fires. warns his socks, and then, bending
over him, she whispers:
arise, darling, and greet the festive
morn
He's sick sometimes. and I've known
that woman to coax him for two straight
hours to take the doctors medicine, turn
over his pillow twenty-five times, keep Il
wet cloth on his head, pare his corn down,
and then wish that she had quail to make
him some soup. When he gets into fight
down town and comes home with his ear
bitten up and his nose pointing to the
northeast she inquiries how the horse hap
pened to run away with him, and she says
she is so thankful that he wasn't killed.
She has an excuse for anything, and she
never admits that any one but herself is to
blame about anything, Lor' bless her-I
hope she'll slip into Heaven and never be
asked a question.