The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-05-18
HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS.

HUMOROUS PARAGRAPHS.
How little do we know what changes
decade may bring forth? Especially 4
decade mackerei.
The Chinese population of San Fran
cisco have heathenishly bestowed upon
Hammond, the revivalist, the title of
"Muchee Jumpee."
"The battle of spring. says the New
York Eue7eing Mail, sis fought with
blades of grass What does spring
mean, then, by arming all her flowers with
pistlls?
Mrs. Keen of Springfield, declined to
allow her daughters to take part in a
spelling match because she heard some.
body say that knotty words would be
given out.
At recent meeting of society com.
posed of men from the Emerald Isle, a
member made the following motion: "Mr.
President move yes whitewash the
ceiling green, in honor Of the old flag"
A Nashville preacher hopes his congre-
cation will testify their approval by clap.
ping their hands-into their breeches
pockets and hauling out contributions.
The ladies think he must haye excepted
them.
II shall soon die, Cuffy; must soon
set out upon long Journey" said sick
man to his old negro servant. Berry
well,'' replied Cufy, II guess massa will
hab good going, cause it be ali way
Wifely devotion reaches the sublime in
the case of Mrs. Rignold, wife of the
handsome New York actor. She is
good actress herself, but will not play for
fear of interfering with the success Of her
husband with his lady auditors.
A bad little boy, upon being promised
five cents by his mother if he would take
a dose Of castor oil, obtained the money,
and then told the parent that she might
castor oil in the street. He will make =
humorous newspaper paragraphist one of
these days.
Punch's suggestions Of athletic sports
for ladies: Jumping at conclusions !;
walking round subject running through
novel; skipping dull descriptions !;
throwing the Ratchet; and, during the
holidays, boxing the ears of troublesome
younger brothers.
In this part of the country when two
long separated friends meet they shake
hands and exclaim, MY dear fellow, I'm
awful glad to see you" but out in Den
yer they come up, and whacking each
other on the back, exclaim: "Old pard,
I've fouled ye. Let's BOOZE"
"You wiring my bosom,'' said a des-
pairing Baltimore lover to coeuettish
girl whom he had long sought in mar
riagc. His burst Of grief decided her,
and, putting out her hand, she softly
murmured: swell ring my finger if you
will be the happier for it; I will vex you
no longer"
In Boston the other day vain young
fellow, dressed in new spring suit, called
at the house of lady acquaintance and
asked her how she thoug bt he looked.
''You remind me of early green peas"
was the answer. He was obliged to de-
part without q solution Of this conun-
drum, but understood it afterwards when
he heard marketman say that early
peas locke nice, but were very insipid.
Examiner Divine of the Old School)-
Name an instance of benevolence and de-
sign united in the native productions of a
specified soil. Candidate-Theg growth of
Spain and Portugal of the cork tree, CO.
incident with that of the vines yielding
port and sherry. Examiner. Very good
indeed, sir. trust you will live to be a
Bishop. candidate passed with flying
cOlors.
The love-making season has opened
among the Indians about Austin, Nevada,
and housekeepers find it almost impossi-
BILE to secure their services for the various
kinds of labor to which they are so &C.
customed. A lady of that city one morn.
ing sent her little boy to find an Indian
to chop some wood. After an absence of
several hours the boy returned and lacon-
ically remarked: "Can't get one; they're
all off huntin' squaws.''
True love is no respector of law. When
Constable Damon, of Cabot, VT, went
down into Mr.. Ainsworth's cellar to at
tach some potatoes, Mrs. Ainsworth
suddenly closed the trap'door and sat
down on it, until he promised to 60 away
without attaching anything. As he came
up from his prison she sealed the agree.
ment by hitting him in three or four
places with the fire shovel.
A lady was around the detroit post
office speaking with the bootblacks and
newsboys, and urging them to attend
Sunday school. A few said they would
attend, others gave reasons why they
couldn't, and one young red head was
silent. ::wouldn't you like to come to
Sunday school, my boy :" kindly inquir.
ed the lady. s.Noam.' 'Why wouldn't