Smyrna times., 1875-09-22
An Inflated Cocktail

the attendant barkeeper mix him whisL,
cocktail. While the barkeeper was com
pounding the liquor, syrup, bitters, ice anc
water, in due proportion, he remarked
oure Senator Kelley, amt you? ?" {" I'm
out don't be afraid, young man, don't be
atraid," affably replied the great statesman
thought you was" said the artist in
liquors; hear you made bully speecb
last night, up to McCormacks Hall. Was
that all true you told us about them bonds
ana more greenbacks, and that otbe,
shenanigan, eh?" "True?" said tbc
apostle of initiation of course. it was truo
am man of principle, young man. a man
OF strict principle" "Keerect," replied
the bar-keeper, as he poured the compIeted
cocktail IN an amber arch into the glass
and filled tumbler of water.
Mr.. Kelley tasted the beverage. "Sce
here, Johnny" he said, "that cocktail
doesn't rise and take me by the throat so
much as 1t should; | want it to be all TO
me that the name implies. just mako II
stronger and give it to mo in bigger glass
will you?" o''
Inc barkeeper promtly transferred the
contents INTO water tumbler and added
about twice the quantity of water.
MIR. Kelly observed somewhat testify
Hello hello! What are you doing ch ?
! wanted bigger drink-more Of = cool,
tail, you know"
The barkeeper smiled apoloecticoIlv ord
begging Mr. Kelley's pardon, emptied the
dlluted cocktail into weiss beer glass
which he brimmed with water. There wos
an ocean of fluid family tinged with
plnkish amber, on the surface of which
noated a shred of lemon-pcel. The bar.
keeper pushed the glass over to his cus.
TONER and affably resting his hands ON
the counter, asked him how that suitod
him?
Mr.. Kelley first rubbed his eyes and then
pmched himself to be sure that he was
himself and awake; then lowered his
spectaclcs and inspected the barkeenor
narrowly. Young man." he said at last
IN his most solemn tones, "doyou call that
cocktail?
" DO call that cocktail I" he replied.
pltyhgly; "whatn blazes do you call if +?
That's the best cocktail the world ever saw
There's whiskey in it, there's is gum in it
there's Angoetora bitters in it. there's |
lemon peel in it, there's ice in if. and |
don't they make cocktail? Besides
IT'S called cocktail, Just the same
as dollar is called a dollar, and don't that
make 1t cocktail? You can do ANYTHING
with that cocktail that you could do with
any other cocktail; you can drink it. Won
can pay for it don't that make it as good
rs any other cocktail? What do you take
me Tor? Haven't read your speeches ?"
But, gasped Mr.. Kelley, growing very
red IN the face, there's too much wafer in
it,"
" Too much water?" rcjoined the bar
keeper. Why, you must have so much
water in cocktail, anyhow, mustn't Won?
on get your whisky like what YOU fnan.
elal sharps call a reserve, and then Won
Ssue your cocktail on that basis. You see.
you have an elastic cocktail cocktail
mat adapts itself to the wants of the custo.
ner. II he wants a strong drink he don't
want much water; if he wants long drink
III initiate his cocktail till its volume
EQUALS its necessities. / tell YOU I've
tudied up this financial problem"
But, but" stammered Mr.. Kelley.
there isn't drop more whiskey all the
While, and every drop of water you add
veakens and spoils it,"
THAT can't be- rejoined the barkeenor
It's just like finance. Whiskv's woaltb
nd cocktails currency. Tfyou can expand
our currency without any increase of vour
wealth and do no harm, why can't you
niiate this cocktail up to a hogshead full
nd let all the bummers out in the street .
AVE good square nip?"
You don't understand" renlied Mr.
Kelley. It's different in financial mat .
ers. There, there is the relief afforded bv
ny 1863 interconvert-"
know it, | know it," brskly answered !
he barkeeper. I" l tell you, Mr.. KELLEY. r
- -'N'sN' " AS'Ni' wow, mere Is my inter- | r
convertible cocktail Thus saving. he ,
oured half of the contents of the weiss ;
Ger glass into another weiss-beer glass ,
hen continued: "Now this tumbler is
he bonds, and this tumbler is the green.
acks. When you want long drink Won =
our into this tumbler as much out of the {
ther as you want; if you want short
rink you pour some out of this tumbler O
nto the other one. It's big thing" Mr.. n
Kelley was in despair. The barxeepor con. f
nued:
fou see | want to return to whiskey
asls, but wish to do so without injury to :,
he business interest of the country. Now.
you will wait till the water evaporates
nd leaves the whiskey- :
Here Mr. Kelley smote the counter with
Is cane, Look here" he shouted, ain
plte OF your expanding the volume of that
rink, and humbugging me with your :,
ilotic interconvertible cocktails, and talk.
ok about returning TO a whisky basis with.