Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1875-03-26
80 in Advance
A Solemn Skeseh-Puang an UndeEO
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We taken your paper for tWen-
ty SIX years he commenced as he
reached the head of the stairs and
now / want puff.
He was very tall, slender man had
a face which haden't smiled since
1912, and his neck was embraced bv
a white cravat, and his hands were
thrust into black gloves.
Pve got new hearse, a new stock
of cofins, and | want local notice,
he continued, as he sat down and
sighed, as if ready to screw a coffin
lid down. -s l
My dear sir, replied the man IN
the corner. I've met you at great
many funerals, and your general
bearing has created favorable i'm
pressions. You sigh with the sigh
ers, grieve with the grieyers, and on
extra occasions you can shed tears
of sorrow, even though you know
that you can't get 40 per cent. of
your bill under six months.
Yes, sighed the undertaken, in
stinctively measuring the length of
the table with his eye, and wonder
ing to himself why editors tables
weren't covered with Grape, with
rows of coffin nails around the
edges. Jaia.saa
sl Death is a very solemn thing, con-
tinued the man in the corner, but
still, it is an occasion when one can
appreciate neat thing. Pve seen
you rub your knuckles against door
posts, and never change countenance,
Pve seen you listen to eulogies be.
fore their death, and you looked
even more solemn than the bereaYed
widow; I've seen you back your
hearse up to a door in such an easy,
quiet way that robbed death of half
its terrors. All this have ] seen and
appreciated, but couldn't write a
puff for you.
E. Why not, he demanded.
For many reasons. Now you have
a new hearse. Could I go on and
say; Mr.. Saekeloth, the genial un-
dertaker, has Just received a fine
new hearse, and we hope our citi-
zens will endeaVor to bestoY, upon
it the patronage such enterprise
deserves. 1t rides easy, is hand
somely finished, and those who try
it once will want no other. Could
say that?
No, not very well.
Of course / couldn't. You can
call a. grocer or a dry goods man a
genial friend, and its all right, but
you aren't genial--you can't be, It's
your business to be solemn. IF You
could be even more solemn than You
are, it wonld be money In your
pocket.
That's so, said he, signing heavi-
~: lzs
If it was an omnibus, or coal
cart, ora wheelbarrow, could go
on and write chapter on every sep
arate spoke, but it isn't you see.
He leaned back and sighed again.
And as to cofins, they are doubt
Pless nice coffins, and your prices are
probably reasonable; bat could go
on and say: Mr.. Saekeloth, the uu-
dertaker, has Just received his new
styles IN spring cofins, all sizes, and
is now prepared to see as many of
his old customers as want something
handsome and durable at a moder.
ate price, Could l say that?
Another sigh. -....-.
n i couldn't say that you were hold
ing a clearing ont sale, in order to
| get ready for the spring trade, or
| that, for the sake of increasing your
patronage, you had decided to pre-
sent each customer with a chrome,
l couldn't say that you were repair
ing and repainting, and had the
most attractive coffin shop in De-
troit. 1t wouldn't do to hope that
people wonld patronize you, or to
say that all orders sent IN by mail
would be promptly filed, aIdi aud that
your motto was: Quick sales and
small profits.
He put on the look of q tomb
stone and made no oieply.
You see, if you had stoves to sell,
or dealt in mackerel, or sold fishing
tackle, everything would b. lovely.
You are an NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS., Sc
date, moaFnfal, You Eevel in Grape,
and you never pass . black walnut
door. without thinking how much
good coffin lumber was recklessly
wasted. The tolllng bell is music
to, you, and the city Hall Dag at half
mast is fat on your ribs. We'd like
to oblige you, but you see how it is,
Yes, / see, he sighed, and he form
ed in procession, and moved down
stairs, looking around now and then
to see if the hearse was Just thirty
four feat behind the officiating cler-
gymanss carriage. .. T.
Detroit Free Press.