The Tiffin tribune. (Tiffin, Ohio) 1868-1887, 1875-01-14

| people, L VIII WEite one get OF nODeS
: resolutions. / knew Ranter, who has
just gone hence, and justice shall b
ldOne him cure. / will Ee as mild as
can be, aud do him justice, but I viii
be honest with his memory"
So Mr.. UpandownjOhn called fol
fresh pens and ink and paper, anC
wrote; and having made fair copie;
of what he wrote, took them himself
to the Offices of The ScredBler, Iht
Spolaer, aud The SOdrer, and wen
home aud slept as only ne can sleeI
who TejOiees over a duty done and
well done.
The next morning the members oi
the Leviathan were astonished al
residing in the journals the following
WHEREAS, By long course of the
most outrageous dissipation, of late
nights. of late suppers OF the grossesi
food, of perpetual beverages OF toe
most villainOus kind-th0se that give
the stomach no show whatever-by
unchecked and unreguiated iEdul-
gence in the worst possible sensuality
ia brief, by long continued series oi
the vilest Outrages upon the physical,
mental and moral man, our late men,
Der, Arthur Simpson Ranter, has been
taken to that bourne from which we
earnestly hope he may never return,
and
WHEREAS, When member Of the
Lsviathan Club expires 1t is custO-
mary to commemorate him, to give
him a send of, as il were therefore
De 1t
ResOLUed, That when we remember
the vilainOus habit he had OF reyok-
ing at whist, ard also his adroit way
of Sliding out of paying the score,
whenever he lost the rubber, our grief
at his departure is severely mitigated,
il not entirely subdued.
Resolved, That the pTomptness Of
our late associate IN accepting invita-
tions to slake his thirst, and his in
tOierabie tardfBess i'm reciprocating,
did more honor TO his head than to
his heart.
ResOlUed, That his habitual un-
truthfulness, his utter disregard OF his
word, and his clustering and over
bearing manner, were the best points
in him, as they served as warning
to the younger members of the Club.
For this his demise is to be amented.
ResolUed, That his habit of getting
boozy before IL A. NJ. and staying in
that condition so long as there was a
good natured man in the Club, gives
US, his survivors, good reason to pause
and ask no more that eonundrum,
"Why was death introduced into the
world 20
Resolved, That when we remember
the success with which our late BROTH
er borrowed money, and his utter for
getfulness of such transactions, our
hearts are softened toward Adam and
Eve Through whose sin death was
made part of the economy of ma
ture), and we publicly thank that lady
and gentleman for their investigating
turn of mind, and hurl back indig-
nantly the charge that they did not do
the best thing possible for posterity.
ResOlUed, That in the death OF cur
late brother, who was as vile as an
actor as he was bad as a man, the long
suffering theatres going public have a
boon the sweetness OF which cannot
be over-ststed, and upon which we
extend them hearty congratulations,
ResOLUed, That we congratulate
Mrs. Rsnter upon the fact that her
private fortune was settled upon her
self, and so skillfllly tied up that her
late husband, our deceased brother,
could not get at cent of it. Aud we
do this, remembering how often we
haye mourned that it was so, for the
reason that, could he have touched it,
he would have drunk himself into an
untimely tomb several years sooner
than he did. Death with US burias all
animosity and does away with all &C.
rimony.
Resolved, That the Club House be
Illuminated the night of the funeral,
and be draped in white for thirty days
in honor of this happy event.
ReSoLUed, That this truthful tribute
to the memory of our deceased broth
er be published in The Scredmer, The
Spouter and The Sodrer.
To say there was an uprOar in the
Club the next morning, as these Teso-
lutions were read, would be to convey
very faint idea of the case. In the
midst of it, when il was at its height,
entered UpandowDjohn, cleanly shaw
ed, and as serene az a June morning.
ibid you write and publish this mis-
cradle mess-this CHASTITY concOction
of infernalism ?'' demanded a score of
indignant men.
"Did 1 write these resolutions, you
mean ? L did. 1 was appointed a
committee to embalm the memory of
the late Ranter in the daily papers. 1
did 1t. Do you find anything object
tiOnable in them ?"
"Why, you assert that he was
sponge % exclaimed one.
"Unhappily it is the truth. l have
myself paid for gallons of liquor for
him."
"YoG say he was bad actor"
"The worst l ever suffered under.n
"What Will his wife think OF what
you have said of him ?'
"She viii recognize the portrait, aud
with thank heaven for her release"
"You give it as the sense Of the club
that he was-'
Everything that was bad, mean
and .disreputable. Very good. 1t is
true, every word of it. He owes me
thirty-seven dollars sixty-three cents
aud third, which he has owed (it
was borrowed since July 8, 1871, at
twenty-seven minutes past ten O'Clock
in the evening. And every man Of
you is also his creditor. II there is a
mean thing that he has not done, it
has escaped my notice"
By this time Mr.. UpandOwniOhn
saw that his fellow members were an
cry, and for once he lost his balance
and became angry too.
Brandishing his umbrella Git was not
raining, but as it was the time of
month when il should have rainsd he
carried it), he exclaimed:
"Gentiemen you have had One set
OF resolutions written which contained
nothing but the truth not tine whole
truth, for my time was limited, and it
was impossible to get in all that l
could have said, and besides desired
to be lenient aud mild as possible.
Having written nothing but truth,
you are offended. It is well. l will
have nothing whatever to do with
1 club where the truth cannot he told.
Truth, if not the immediate jewel of
the soul, is very close to it. Gentle
men, adieu. You have seen the last
of John UpsndownjOhn. Should l
stay, I might be called upon to re-
solve over some of your inanimate re-
mains, and as 1 cannot tell q lie, it
would be unpleasant"
And that afternoon the directory
received his resignation, and he was
seen there no more.
There is no particular moral to this.
There are very few men in the world
OF whom il would be pleasant, as the
world now goes, TO tell the exact
truth. Therefore may all who read
these lines live, as does he who writes
them, so that when Azrael waves his
dark pinions over them, they may lie
down and die, feeling certain that the
COMMITTEES on resolutions, though
they be as tsuthful as Upandownjohn,
will say nothing that will call spirit
blush to their cheeks in the hereafter.
Lotus Leaves.
Telegraph Without Wires.
A Pennsylvsnis paper says: at is
reported That aD0uglassville man, who
has been for some time engaged in the
endeavOr tG invent a telegraph that
will be equally efficient as the one
l.. \