Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1875-11-25
That Detroit Police Court.
AN AGRICULTURAL ADDRESS.

nounced, a portIy, bald-headed vagrant
slid out and fastened his eyes on the
Court.
q Is this Mr.. Crossgun?"
lit air.
Mr.. Crossgun, you are registered on
the blotter as q farmer"
81 know it,
"Well, sir, it is my duty to deliver
short agricultural address and your duty
TO listen. will not treat of agriculture
in general but only Of the subject Of
transplanting. For the purpose of more
fully illustrating my remark let me
compare you to plum tree. You are
now growing on hard, stubborn soil, and
you yield only thorns and leaves.
transplant you to the House Of Correction
and you at once begin to thrive and bear
fruit"
80 pshawn' replied Mr. Crossgun
K What do you want to put fellow in there
for?'
Il is one Of the finest institutions in
the West, and after you have been there
one week a yoke of oxen couldn't draw
you out. Take the blue saw-horse, Mr..
Crossgun, and try and be real good for the
next half hour
SOME EXPLANATIONS.
This is John Blonner, is it," asked
His Honor Of the next.
at is rot somebody else" replied
John.
"Andyou broke a window and dis
turbed the peace?''
Not by no means I didn't [ am shust
so innocent as all desc policemen aroundt
here"
Well, let me hear your explanation"
q shall oxblain all about it, your
Honor, vhas shtanding by dot window,
shust as de officer swears, waiting for de
gar. A man game along and said Ho!
no! hop and put his fingers on his nose,
like so.''
. Then you struck him.
Ono, sir. Then I never salt one word
or two words, but got on de gar and game
away"
. Mr.. Blonner, you wouldn't lie to me,
would you?"
Could I sphoke lie to you?" asked
the prisoner, placing his hand over his
heart.
"Ify you broke that window you would
say SO, wouldn't you?"
" If proke dat Window should shpeak
Of it so quick as would swim your headn'
Well, perhaps you would, and / shall
only fine you ten dollars"
"Vhat!'
You broke that window, and here are
proofs enough to convict you ten times
over. You have been standing up there
and lying to me, and thus do l reward
you
Well, by Shorgen
$50 say we all. Go in and sit down or
else fork over"
He fOrked.
FEEBLE MRS. JOHNSON.
Have you any camphor?" she plant
lively inquired, as she stood before the
desk.
She wasn't feeble-looking woman.
No woman can look feeble until her
weight has been reduced to less than
hundred and sixty pounds.
No, madam, we haven't" replied His
Honor; eve are just out of camphor"
My brain whirls sop she sighed,
" and feel SO trembly and weak
Cant be fever coming on, can it,"
1T fear it is"
g Let me see your tongue, Mrs. John
SOM
She thrust out her tongue and he bent
over the desk and surveyed it.
Hem-hem-um. Your tongue doesn't
betray your illness, madam"
But | feel faint"
"Bijah may hold you up while this
trial goes on, or you can sit down. The
charge is disturbing the peace You
came near biting your neighbours ear off,"
Its a lie" she squeaked, her eyes snap
ping fire.
CHOW, Mrs. Johnson let nae say to you
that shall insist upon ladylike conduct
on your part, and if [ can't secure it I'll
send you up without trial"
Where's the neighbour" she de-
manded.
"There is the man, and there is the
ear, he replied
A small, red-headed man rose UP and
squeaked:
"You done it-you done it-you done
it,"
do you say bit your ear?"
You did-you did-you did,"
ooh! MI Judgep she exclaimed,
wringing her hands, 81 never bit a mans
ear in my life!'
q" 1t seems that you owed him money
and wouldn't pay" explained the Court;
and when he called again yesterday you
attacked him on the steps, pushed him
down and, in the struggle which followed,
you bit his earl"
My head swims sop she gasped.
"All of which wasn't right and you
know it," continued the Court 1.-The
laws of Michigan were made for small
men with red hair as well as for other
people, and deem it my duty to fine you
ten dollarsr'