Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1875-09-03
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A HEBREW MERCHANT from a Western
city went into one Of our large wholesale
houses the other day, and said he wished
to buy about ST. 500 worth of goods. He
was willing to pay 81 200 cash and give his
note for ninety days for the rest of the
bill. The firm looked up the house which
the customer represented, and came to the
conclusion that his note wouldn't be OF
much value. They concluded, however,
to sell him the goods he desired, making
sufficient advance in the usual prices to
cover the amount of the note. The sale
made, and the bill amounted to ST., $50.
The customer paid the 1000 and drew
his note for the remainder.
Snow, mine vriends," said he, II wants
you to gif me Won present. always has
present after SO big bill ="
sWell," replied the merchant, tive can't
give you much of present, but you can
pick out necktie for yourself, if you
Wish.''
'sNo, no; I wants no necktie. l wants
silk dress for mine wife,
'sOh, we can't do that''' said the mer-
chant; 'sbut I'll tell you what we will do.
We will give you your note.''
''My note No, py my gracious! 1 takes
re necktie! :"
AN EMBRYO DIPLOMATIsT.- THE other
day, when a Vicksburg boy had trouble
with neighbors' boy and came out first
best, he realized that something must be
done at home, and he slid into the house
and said:
ssMother, you know how kind and good
YOU have been to Mrs B., next door?''
eyes, I have tried to be a good neigh
Dor to her,"
ssWell, do you know that she says you
clean your teeth with whitewash brush,
and that father ought to have d pension
for living with you?''
He slid out, and when Mrs. B
reached the gate, OH her way to the house
to ask why her boy must be pounded in
that way. she heard shrill voice calling
her:
ssVile wretch, don't you enter that gate
OR you'll get scalded."
She returned home, and the young
statesman dropped down under shade
tree, kicked up his heels and softly
chuckled
'sThat settles he1, and now | want to
catch her Tom again for just fourteen
seconds"
That Detroit Judge propounded an
awful conundrum, the other DAY. Said
he: eff Christopher Columbus had got
drunk on the morning he was to sail for
America, and he had been led to the sta
ton house, where would America have
been today"
Copy was out. The Devil picked mp a
paper and said: Here's something about
woman-must cut it out?" "No,"
thundered the editor; s'the first disturb
ance ever created in the world was oc-
casioned by the Devil fooling about wo-
man,
Happy bridegroom: ''More money mad
am more money! Have you forgotten
that my money has bought everything you
possess-the very dress you stand in?''
Fair bride: mo, sir; nor have l forgotten
that your money has bought what stands
in it ~
Prosperity has its ''sweet uses' as well
as adversely, for no sooner does a man
come into little property than he in
stantly learns the number Of his friends;
whereas, if he remained poor, the chances
are that he would have died in perfect
ignorance of the fact.
A Norristown boy who found a pocket
book containing eighty-fve dollars, and
returned it to the owner, refused a reward
of five cents for his trouble, explaining
that many man has been ruined by sud-
denly becoming rich.
A will age pedagogue, in despair with
stupid boy, pointed to the letter A and
asked him if he knew it. Eyes, Sir"
"Well, what is it?'' II know him very
well by sight, Sir-but rat me if l con re-
member his NAME
An aristocratic New Yorker, on being
requested by a rich and vulgar fellow for
permission to marry zone of his girls"
gave the rather crushing reply: ''Ccrtain-
ly, which will you prefer; the housenlaid
or the coOk?"
A musical amateur writes to ask if the
old English song. IA single Smile,'' fur
nished the theme Of Wagner's 6 Lone !
grim"
Why is a lawyer like a restless man in
he'd? Because he lies first on one side and
then on the other.
All honest men will bear watching. 1t
is the rascals who cannot stand it.
What is the strongest light in Brooklyn?
-Beecher('s) candal.
Tt doesn't take long for a man with a
small mind to make it up.
The cheapest motive power is polite
ness.
Carpenters are given to vice-they do SO
much chiselling.