The tribune. [volume] (Beaufort, S.C.) 1874-1876, 1875-05-19
The Coolest Woman.

1he COOleSC woman.
If all women were as cool and matter
of-fact as Mrs. Stun But she is one
of thousand, says the Detroit Free
Press. She was over at Mrs. Moody's,
on Macomb street, the other day, her
1ron-gray hair combed down fiat and her
spectacles adjusted to gossip range,
when she suddenly rose and said:
Mrs. Moody, be calm. Where do
you keep tho camphor bottle p
."Why? ?" asked the surprised Mrs.
Moody. -.
"Bscaase they are bringing your hus-
band through the gate on q board I
think he's mashed dead, but be calm
about it I'll stay right here and see to
Mrs. Moody threw up her arms and
fell down in dead faint, and Mrs. Stun
opened the door as the men laid the body
on the porch.
"Is he dead ?" she asked in an even
tone.
&C. think so," answered one of the
men. "The doctoTH!! Il be here in q
minuts."
The doctor came up, looked at the vic
tim, aud said life had fled, adding:>--
I" His back and four or five ribs are
broken"
"That's sensible, that is" said Mrs.
Stun, gazing at the doctor in admira-
ton. ."S6me physicians would have
said TINT his vertebr@ was mortally
wounded, and would have gone on to
talk about the 'larynx,' the arteries, ;
the optic nerves and the diagnosis. >
If he's dead it'll be some satisfaction to
know what he died of. Well, lug in
the body and send boy after an under
taker."
The men carried the body through to
bedroom and Mrs. Stun went back to
Mrs. Moody, who had revived and was
wailing and lamenting.'
"Don't, .Juria-don't take on So"
continued Mrs. Stun. ''."Of course YOU
feel badly, and this interferes with tax
ing up carpets and cleaning house, but
it's pleasant weather for funeral, and
think the corpse will look as natural rs
life."
cob! Ny poor, poor husband" wall
ed Mrs. Moody.
He was a. good husband, I'll swear
to that, " continued Mrs. Stun, "but he
was dreadfrllly careless to let house fall
on him. Be calm, Mrs. Moody I've
sent for'one of the best undertakers in
Detroit, and you'll be surprised at the
way he'll fix mp the deceased"
When the undertaken came in Mrs.
Stun shook hands and said that death
was sure to overtake every living thing
sooner or later. She mentioned the
kind of coffin she wanted, stated the
number of hacks, the hour for the
funeral, and held the end of the tape-line
while he measured the body.
Several other neighbors came in and
she ordered them around and soon had
everything working smoothly. The
widow was sent to her room to weep out
her grief, doors and windows were open
ed, and as Mrs. Stun built up good
fire she said:
Now, then, we want pie and cake
and sauce and raised biscuit and floating
islands. He'll have watchers, and the
watchers must have plenty to eat"
When the baking had been finished
the coffin and the undertaken arrived,
and the body was placed in its recepta-
Gle. Mrs. Stun agreed with the under
taker that the face wore natural express
sion, and when he was going away she
said:
"Be around on time Don't put in
any second-class hacks, and don't have
any hitch in the proceedings at the
grave
From that hour until two O'Clock of
the second day thereafter she had full
charge. The widow was provided with
black bonnet, Grape shawl, etc, the
watchers found plenty to eat, a minister
was sent for, eighteen chairs were
brought from the neighbor's, and every
thing moved along like clock-work.
"You must bear up, ,":sffe kept saying
to the widow. "House- cleaning must
be done, that back yard must be ,raked
off, the penstock must be thawed out,
and you haven't time to sit down and
grieve. His life wasinsured, and we'll
go down next week and select some love-
ly mourning goods"
Everybody who attended said thew
never saw a funeral pass off so smoothly.
and when the hack had landed the widow
and Mrs. Stun at her door again, Mrs.
Stun asked:
Nov, didn't you really enjoy the
ride, after all 2"
: And the widow said she wouldn't
have believed that she could have stood
1t 20 well.