The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1875-10-23

ed gong 10 ScnO0i IasJ MOHuay. an, e"i"
little boy, just you wait few days I'LL you SCI
her strasldle some little Teller and go to ham
merin' him ~ Wilmington Adpocdte.
That little boy had evidently been "straddted,
hence his prejudice.
l "Babies are the coupons Of the bonds vi mat
IrimOny," says Smarty. He sh0uld hafc au"e'
I" And every fool NAV be a bond holder-"-[oar
ier-JOundl.
American catsup tickles the patates of The
Japanese. They have tried to make something
like it of cats, but failed.
The Petersburg Den.ocrat publishes the fol
lowing good joke upon Hon. Scott Wike, demo
cratic congressman from Pike county, ILL.,:
During the recent session OF the county cour'
at Pittsfeld, an evangelist nance Anderson
preached three times day In the PUBLIC square
During one Of the sermons he exclaimed: SHOW
| me the man whom Jesus Christ Will not save !,
Just at that msment the sheriff stuck his head
out OF the court house window and shouted
|" Scott Wike! Scott Wikem The effect on the
audience can be imagined.
William Daumet, St Louis man, was fined
$40 for using profsne language the other day
Daumet, how can q man with that name help
Swearing?
The postal regulations want tnkering again,
for the malls are not at all reliable OF late. here
rs Prince Bismarck's daughter shortly 10 be
married, and our invitation to the wedding has
not yet been rcceived.-Norris'o,rn Herdh
As soon as we get over there well speak to
old " Bis about 1t.
Mrs. Starrett, of Lawrence, Kan, asks: what
shall We do with our daughters" And farmer
further down the country asks: "What shall
we do with our corn" These are Important
and all absorbing questions which address them:
selves forcibly to thinking people. AS one OF
these latter we beg to suggest solution. Ley
us feed our corn to our daughters Topeka Ham,
Blade.
And the young fellows can turn that corn in
to 1" corn juice" by sqeezing the daughters.
The Virginia Gazette takes us to task for prais-
ing the superior beauty of Ottawa bellies over
those of less favored portions OF the state
Virginia City, for instance. He threatens even
to send his fighting editor up here to make us
apologize. Such impudence! Why, our homli'
est o. year old maid would be esteemed belle
of bewitching loveliness in your town, bu6!
A Massachusetts, poet points out the differ
cnce in this style:
There is young woman OF Lynn
Grown up SO excessively thin,
When she wears her pull back
She seems all flesh to lack,
And her bonnet seems stuck on PIN.
But a fat little girl up in GrotOn
Says: "This is the fashion dotc on.
If do in this rig
AS the balloons look as big,
1t is nothing to make public note on
We have received long ana beautiful poem
entitled Autumn. We observe in 1t that tomato
is made to rhyme with potato, though TINS OF
course does not interfere with the intrinsic value
of the poem at three cents n pound-DiIon Sum-
A Milwaukee man made three unsuccessful at
tempts to blow his brains out, and then his wife
told him: Don't try it again, John; you haven't
got any" He goes about now saying that he
owes his life to that woman. brooklyn Argus
Here is SANDER on Loosh Crooker, from
wicked newspaper:
Mayor Crooker is getting absent minded. One
night this week he blew out" the gas in his
Office when leaving, and next morning when he
entered the room his olfactory nerves were greet
ed with stronger odor than ever emanated
/. from the Mendoza River, Winnebago Swamp or
CAST but not least his Honor's boots.
| When Fiji Islander marries, the frat thing
| he docs npon beginning TO Keep house is 10 eat
his mothcr-in-la AS conseryator OF peace
the process perhaps is eliectual; and 1t is also
valuable as a measure Of economy when market
ucuI.-DOStOH 4 OAt'
Thus it will be seen that even in that far of
country they put mothers.in-law down.
The Pittsburgh Commercial has the right idea
once in awhile as, for instance: "An exchange
mentions couple who have been lovers for
twenty five years, and are not married yet. That's
why they are lovers, stupid"
| A Wyoming Jury, composed Of seven men and
five women, were shut up for two days and two
nights, and yet they couldn't agree. H. Is said
liz they remained out seventeen years there would
have been no verdict, as five women talked the
seven men deaf the first six hours.-Er.
This is Islander on the sex. The average wo
man, when in good health, and not troubled
with n sore tongue or cracked lips, don't need
such an absurd length of time TO talk man
deaf We know of some gentle creatures who
could not only talk man deaf, but blind, In
fifteen minutes. .r &
In New York last week Louisa Heuser, pref
ty girl OF about fourteen, attempted to commit su
icide by drinking pint Of red ink. This sounds
linkred.iblc, hut 1t ID true. The physician didn'
order her to swallow n sheet Of blotting pad, be
cause he didn't think it would be write.-Nor
risto,ca Herald, .........
| They do say that the steamer In which DrOtn
Ter Shcarman returned from England had the bad
luck to run aground; but Tommy opened the
food gates Of his optics, and foated her of In nc
time.-EL
This suggests conundrum, Why was Shear
man. in this incident, like an auctioneery
Ans. Because he cried tho steamer of.
The Milwaukee Sentinel reports that an Indian
} squaw who passed through that city last wecl
from the Far West had a chlgnon that looked
very like the hair OF the New York Herd'dS cor
respondent, who wrote few weeks ago that thu
Indians were very friendly
The following urouses sad reflections in on
buZzum:
A Milwaukee chap kissed his girl about fort
times right straight along, and when he stoppc
the tears came into her eyes, and she said, in
sad tone Of voice. "Ahl John, ! fear you hav
ceased to love me-" haven't" replied join
"but must breathe"
Il, woman so beastly drunk that she laid on til
" sidewalk out In the rain was one Of the spect'
! an. ~aIh hot tnky