The Kenosha telegraph. [volume] (Kenosha, Wis.) 1860-1888, 1875-12-30
Wit and Hunor.

The snuf-takers' motto Snuff's as
| good as feast.
CALL lady a Chicken" and ten to
one she is angry with you. Tell her she
is "no chicken" and twenty to One she
Is more angry still.
Sis THERE much water In the cistern,
Biddy2" inquired gentleman of his
servant girl as she came up from the
kitchen. g It is full on the bottom, sir,
but there's none at all on the top" was
the reply.
A NEW Paris telescope brings the
moon to within ten miles OF the earth,
and Michigan woman thinks that if she
were given room to yell she could get
up conversation with some other woman
up there.
"Now JOHN, suppose there's load of
hay on one side of river and q iackass
on the other, how can the iackass get to
the hay without getting wetQ' "I give
it up2" Well, that's just what the
other iackass did,"
INWARD they go-stiH ON and on
Passing av-2y-another is gone
Gone away with its hopes and fears;
Gone away, with its smiles and tears;
Gone, with the thousands that went before,
Swallowed for aye, in the Never More.
Ring out the knen and let it swell
In the mournful tones Of sad farewell;
Ring out the kneu, ia msny chime
Plaintive and slow, for the child of Time
That, with its record, has passed away,
For the year We bury deep to-day.
A PRETTY and sensible young lady re-
marked in the presence OF seven bare
faced young men the other night, "that
it just doubles the value of kiss to have
to burrow 1t from under O mustache.
The next morning druggist sold seven
bottles of preparation to encourage
mustaches, in less than half an hour af
ter opening his store.
PASSING by commission house on
Michigan Grand avenue yesterday lady
had her attention attracted to saddle of
venison hanging beside the door, and she
stopped and asked the price. The dealer
informed her. and added cit is deli
cious meat madam" eyes, ] have
heard people say it was, but | don't
hardly know. Are you sure this was a
corn-fed deere" The dealer couldn't
take his oath on it, and therefore didn't
effect sale.-Detroit Free Press.
In one of the street cars yesterday
young man and young Lady commenced
q handkerchief Irritation, and they car
ried it on SO boldly that an old chap with
gray Burnside whiskers had his atten
ton attracted. He didn't detect the
Irritation, but he was greatly annoyed
that the young man should wipe his nose
so often, and at length he blurted out
"Have you got the ca-tarrh 2" 'No,
sir" replied the young man. "WeH,
then, if I were you I'd take my blasted
nose off and let it rest awhile. When
person pays out his hard-earned money
to ride on the street cars he wants to
take some comfort. "-Detroit Free
Press.
CoBwEBs.
Never was an act of Parliament you could not
drive a coach and six through.-DnnSet OCoT1eu,
on tGGCS.
Laws thanks to the Law for cObwebs:
For they're ugly things, are dies
But wasps kind O. nob-rebs:
Boss spider may have prize
Occasionally; but oftener
Friend Wasp finds softener
Somehow for the web.
Laws! excellent traps indeed
To have; but the fve-cent fry's
So small it drops through; and your Tweed
Not classed with the commoner flies
Call him honey bee, or humble,
IS so big he must stumble
And break through the web.
Give thanks, law'd for the cobwebs;
Their makers laud to the skies
Sure is it q pity to rob webs
Like ours of their catch of diee2
So mighty amusing for spiders:
But how for us poor outsiders
Who pay g through the web %
Wherewith 1 respectfully withdraw from the case.
ABEL REID.
sCHNEDER's NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS.
Der boor Old Year have hobbled out.
Nit legs a-kiDder shaky, weak;
IND in der leete New Year jumps
Nit blenty noise und blenty sheek.
IND bein' SO as tits der time
Der New Year to begun all new,
I'm goin' to turn CRATE bsf leaf,
Und dis is vat I'm goin to DO:
III eat me too much beer no more,
Nor touch der festive whisky -shiun
I'll say goot-pye to bright Rhine vine.
Und look quite mad at milk und gin.
When all der boys am siviuin down
Der rosy beer I'll shook my head.
end init my conscience VERY proud
III gobb1e water down inshtead
III not shtay out till vonce O'CLOCK,
IND come home NIT Dustin head;
So soon der clock shtrikes half past eight.
CRAWL me jently on der bed.
III schHrear no more dhose big bad rordts
Vich makes Teller go to-veL
You know deg blaze where flazes ploom.
So taint use fog me to tell.
III smoke no more for, uf I'm goin
To be goot, I'll be dscfuL goot;
I'll eat no more tobagger. too
I'll sher inshtead soft shtickE OF wood.
I'll sbd dart me new in efeTgdirg,
Und NIT CRATE sense my pratn viii MI;
III shtick me tight to efery rule
At least kinder hope VII