The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-10-27
THE COMING WIFE,.

THE COMING WIFE.
She's little bit of woman, all
patience and sunshine. and I'd spoil the
best silk hat that money could buy for
the privilege of lending her my umbrella
In the rain storm.
She's married and she's got an old
rhinoceros Of husband. He makes it
a practice to come home tight at eleven
o'clock every other night, and has for
years, and he can't remember that she
ever gave him a cross word about it.
When he falls into the hall she is waiting
to close the door and help him into the
sitting room, where q good fire awaits
him. She draws off mis- boots, unbuttons
his collar, helps him off with his coat and
all the time she is saying:
''Poor Henry! How sorry / am that
you had this attack Of vertigo! / am
afraid that you will be found dead by the
roadside some night"
"Whazzer mean by verzigho!'' he
growls; but she helps him off with his
vest, and pleasantly continues:
I'm so glad you got home ali right. |
hope the day will come when you can
pass more Of your time at home. 1t is
dreadful how your business drives YOU
''Whaz misunderstanding yer talking
'bout?' he replies.
'Poor one how hot your head is y
she continues, and presently he breaks
down and weeps and eXclaims: 5.s
Eyes sur-sic's a orse--wearing ze!f
out fhast'S can-wishzi was dead y,
Next morning she never refers to the
subject, but pleasantly inquiries how he
slept, and if his mind is clear. His boots
may be missing and he yells out:
"Whar'n thunder's my boots!''
fright here, my DEAR she replies,
and she hands them out, all nicely black
ed up.
If she wants dress, or hat, or a
cloak, and he yels out that household
expenses are eating him up, she never
''sasses' him back, nor tells him that she
could have married a congressman, nor
declares that she will write to her
mother and tell her just how it is.
''That's SO my dear-times are hard,''
she says, and she gets up just as good a
dinner as if he had left her fifty dollars.
He may come home tight at supper
time, but she is not shocked. She re-
marks that it is an unexpected pleasure
to have him home so early, and she pre-.
tends not to notice his stupid look. He
sees three chairs where there is but one,
and in trying to sit down he strikes the
floor like the fall of derrick.
"Whazzer jaw That chair way forl?'''
he yells, and she replies: :.
''It's that hole in the carpet-I knew
you would stumble p and she helps him
up and brings him a strong cup Of tea.
ID nhov,
cold weather came, she never thought Of
= planking herself down in chair opposite
him and saying:
''Now, then, you'll either get up and
light the fires or there won't be any
lighted mark that old baldhead!"
No, she don't resort to any such base
and tyrannical measures. When day
light comes she slips out of bed, makes
two fires, warns his socks, and then
bending over him, she whispers:
''Arise, darling, and greet the festive
morn!''
He is sick sometimes, and I've known
that woman to coax him for two straight
hours to take doctors medicine, turn
over his pillow twenty-five times, keep a
wet cloth on his head, pare his corn
= down, and then wish she had a quail tc
make him some soup. When he gets in
to fight down town and comes home
with his ears bitten up and his nose point
ing to the northeast, she inquiries how
the horse happened to run away with
him. and she says she is so thankful that
he wasn't killed. She has an excuse fol
anything and she never admits that any
one but herself is to blame about any
thing. Lor' bless her-I hope she'll slip
into heaven and never be asked ques
ton.
THE PANDORA's VoYAGE
In addition to the account already pub
lished OF what had been accomplished b,
the Pandora's voyage to Melville Bay
the New York Herald's correspondent
has transmitted supplementary dis
patch, saying that the government ships
the Alert and Discovery, under the com
mand of Capt. Mares, had crossed Mel
Vile Bay on the 9th of July, and pro
ceeded northward. According to tn
letter which Capt. Mares left on Carey
+ Island, and which the Pandora brough
to Portsmouth, the government ship
reached the island on the 18th of July
having left Upernavik on the 22d G
July and Cape York on the 25th. Afte
short delay at Carey's Island they orc
ceeded again on their way up Smith
Sound. The weather was unusually ia