Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1875-08-02
NO. lsl.
THE COLONEL'S HAT.

Colonel Bangs is very bald. and in or
der to induce his hair to grow again. is u.s.
Ing very excellent article of Hair Wig.
or" upon his scalp. week or two ago he
was summoned as a juryman upon a case
i'll the Circuit Court, and upon the day of
trial, just before the hour at which the
court met, he remembered that he had not
applied the VigoT to his head that morning
He had only few minutes to spare, but
he flew up stairs, and into the dark closet
where he kept the bottle, and pouring some
fluid upon sponge, he rubbed his head
energetically. pr
BY some mishap the colonel got hold of
the wrong bottle, and the substance with
which he inundated his scalp was not Wig
or, but the black varnish with which Mrs.
Bangs decorated her shoes. Bangs did not
perceive the mistake, but darted down
stairs, put on his hat, and walked off.
II was very cold morning, and by the
time the colonel reached his destination
the varnish was as stiff as stone. He
felt little uncomfortable about the head,
and endeavored to remove his hat to dis
cover the cause of the difficulty, but to bis
dismay it was immovable. 1t was glued
fast to the skin, and his efforts to take it
off gave him frightful pain.
just then he heard his name called by
the crier, and he had to 60 into court to
answer. He was wild with apprehensions
of coming trouble but he took his seat in
the jury box, and determined to explain
the situation to the Court at the earliest
possible moment.
As he sat there, it seemed TO him that
that high hat kept getting bigger and big
ger. until it appeared to him to be as large
as medium-sized shot-tower. Then he
was conscious that the lawyers were star
ing at him. Then the clerk looked at him
and screamed #&g 3u
"Hats off in court y and the colonel grew
red in the face. #m aH93l
''Hats off, yelled the clerk again, and
the colonel was about to reply when the
Judge came in, and his eyes rested on
Bangs, he said
"Persons in the courtroom must remove
their hats"
Bangs-"May it please your honor. |
kept my hat on because
Judge-"Well. sir, you must take il off
now"
Bangs-"But l say kept it on be-
cause"
Judge-''We don't want any arguments
upon the subject. sir. Take your hat off
Instantly"
Bangs-"But you don't let me--'.sss &
Judge-''Remove that hat this moment.
Are you going to handy words with me,
sirp Uncover your head at once." qsaae
Bangs-'Judge, If you will only give
me chance to-" - 8s
Judge-''This is intolerable Do you
mean to insult the Court, sir Do YOU
mean to profane this sacred temple of jus
tice with untimely levity? Take off your
hat. or will fine you for contempt. Do
you hearP" ~s ~sfga~ss- tss-ss /
Bangs-''Well, it's very hard that
can't say a word by way OF ex-" "a gssl
Judge warmly ]-''That is too much!
Perhaps you'd like to run the court here,
and sentence a few convicts. You've got
more audacity than mule. Mr.. Clerk.
fine that man $50. Now sir, remove your
hatm
Bangs Judge, this is rough on me.
L"
Judge in a furious rage] -"Won do
it yetP Why, you impudent scoundrel +!
I've notion to. MIR. Clerk. fine him
800 more, and Mr.. Jones. you go and
take that hat off by force ~
Then the tipstaff approached Bangs,
who was by this time half crazy with
wrath. and hit the hat with his stick. 1t
didn't move Then he struck it again,
and caved in the crown; but it still re-
manned on Bangs head. Then he picked
up volume of Brown on Evidence"
and smashed the crown in fiat.
Then Bangs sprang at him. and shak-
ing his fist under the nose of Jones, he
shrieked.
"You mutton-headed scullion I've
notion to kill you If that Jackass on the
bench had any sense he could see that
the hat is glued on. cant take it off if
| wanted TO-"
Then the judge removed the fines and
excused him. and Bangs went home. He
slept in that hat for week, and even
when it came off, the top Of his head
looked as black as if modification had set
in.