The New Orleans bulletin. [volume] (New Orleans [La.]) 1874-1876, 1875-09-26
THE CQLONEL,S HAT.

Col. Bangs is very bald, and in order to
induce his hair to grow again he is using a
very excellent article of 'Hair Vigor" upon
his scalp. A week or two ago he was sum-
moned as a juryman upon a case in the Cir
cult Court, and, upon the day of the trial,
just before the hour at which the court met,
he remembered that he had not applied the
Vigor to his head that morning. He had
only few minutes to spare, but he flew
up stairs and into the dark closet where he
kept the bottle, and pouring some of the fluid
upon sponge, he rubbed it on his head ener-
getically. By some mishap the Colonel got
hold of the wrong bottle, and the substance
with which he inundated his scalp was not
Vigor, but the black varnish with which Mrs.
Bangs decorated her shoes.
However, Bangs didn' perceive the mistake
but darted down stairs, put on his hat and
walked off to the courtroom. 1t was very
cold morning, and by the time the colonel
reached his destination the varnish was as
stiff as stone. He felt little uncomfortable
about the head, and he endeavored to remove
his hat to discover the cause of the difficulty,
but to his dismay it was immovabe. 1t was
glued fast to the skin, and his efforts to take
it off gave him frightful pain.
Just then he heard his name called by the
crier, and he had to go into court to answer.
He was wild with apprehension of coming
trouble; but he took his seat in the jury box
and determined to explain the situation to the
Court at the earliest possible moment. As he
sat there with guilty feeling in his soul, it
seemed to him that that high hat kept getting
bigger and bigger until it appeared to him to
be as large as shot-tower. Then he was con-
scious that the lawyers were starting at him.
Then the clerk looked hard at him and
screamed:
"Hats off in Court r and the colonel grew
crimson in the face. CHATS off % yelled the
clerk again, and the colonel was about to re-
ply when the judge came in, and his eyes
rested on Bangs, he said:
"Persons in the court room must remove
their hats"
Bangs May it please your honor, keep
my hat on because"
Judge" Well, sir, you must take it off
now"
"Bangs. -"But say I keep it on because
Judge.-"We don't want an argument
upon the subject, sir. Take your hat off in
stantlyw
Blngs.-" But you don't let me-"
Judge" Remove that hat this moment,
sir Are you going to handy words with me,
sir Uncover your head at once"
Bangs. Judge, if you will only give me
a chance to"
Judge.-"This is intolerable Do you
mean to insult the Court, sir? Do you mean
to profane this sacred temple of justice with
untimely levity? Take your hat off, sir, or
will fine you for contempt. Do you hear
me?"
Bangs. -"Well. it's very hard that I can't
say word by way Of ex-"
Judge (warmly. )-"This is too much! This
is just little too much. Perhaps you'd like
to come up on the bench here and run the
court, and sentence few convicts! You've
got more audacity than a mule. Mr.. Clerk
fine that man fifty dollars! Now, sir, remove
your hat"
Bangs. -'Judge, this is rough on me- /"
Judge Gin furious rage. )-"Won't do it yet.
to, Mr.. Clerk, fine him one hundred dol
lars more, and Mr. Jones, you go and take
that hat off by force!'
Then the tipstaff approached Bangs, who
was by this time half crazy with wrath, and
hit the hat with his stick. 1t didn't move.
Then he struck it again and caved in the
crown but it still remained on Bangs head.
Then he picked up volume of "Bro wn on
Evidence" and smashed the crown in fiat.
Then Bangs sprang at him, and, shaking his
fist under the nose of Jones, he shrieked:
" You authenticated scullion I've half a
notion to kill you If that jackass on the
bench had any sense he could see that the hat
is glued fast. l can't take it off if I wanted
to-"
Then the judge removed the fines, and ex-
,used him, and Bangs went home. He slept
IN that hat week, and even when it came off
The top of his head looked as black as if NOR
,ifcatlon had sat in.-MdG Adeler.