Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1875-03-26
HUMrOR

A couple of Washington county farmers
recently induced their wives to join the
grangers and report, before they would
commit themselves. Now, while they
would, they cannot, for two black-balls
greet every application. Meanwhile the
wives go regularly and triumphantly to
every grange meeting, and the men stay
at home, tend the babies and wonder what
they do at the grange anyhow.
A Montana editor bemoans the calami-
ties of 1874 in the following touching
strain: "First, the Beecher business, then
the grasshoppers, then the democratic vic
tories, and now an increased tax on whis-
key. What is this poor country coming
top
A pleasant rospect-Traveler, in Ire
land. ''Hi pull her up, man. Don't you
see the mare is running away" Paddy
'sHould tight, yer honor. For yer life do
as pears. Ill turn her head into the river
at the bridge below here. Sure, that'll
stop her, the blaggard.' y
An Oswego county New York; paper
received the following notice for publica-
ton, signed, 'sSophia Baker:'' II forbid
any Lady to marry Henry smith for he is
engage and sent for his intended wife to
Carthage and he has not showed his face
and if he gets married [ will arrest him
and put him in stay prison or 1000 dollars
fine in cash."
A man, praising porter, said it was so
excellent a beverage that. though taken il
large quantities, it always made him fat.
II have seen the time" said another.
s'when it has made you lean.r When?
should be glad to know inquired the eu-
logist. "Why, no longer than last MI ht-
against a wall"
DIR. Barnes, when ninety-five years of
age, slept during sermon, and on being
joked about it by friend, insisted he had
been awake all the time. swell. them"
said his friend S~can you tell me what til,
sermon is about?' es, [ can, ''he answer
ed lit was about half an hour too long"
It is simply absurd to talk about a wo-
man being qualified to ill every position il
life that man fills For instance. what
woman could lounge around the stove H..
country grocery and lie about the number.
Of fishes she caught last summer.
The ghost of Noah Webster came to a
spiritual medium in Alabama, not long
since. and wrote on Il slip of pape, "It is
tite times" Noah was right, but we are
sorryNto see that he has gone back II his
dictionary.
A. T. Stewart once paid $40, 900 for
painting forty feet long, and ever since the.
he makes it a practice every night and
morning of saying to himself: Stewart,
you are the biggest jackass in America."
A littl9 American lad who had just com
mencod reading the newspapers asked his
father if the word s'Hon.7' prefixed to the
names of Il member Of Congress, meant
1shonest. =
A little girl asked a minister: ''Do you
think my father will go to heaven?" Why
yes, my child. Why no you ask?' "Well
because, if he don't have his own way
there, he won't stay long, / was thinking
The omission of comma once gave
very awkward meaning to the inscription
on a tombstone: Erected to the memory
OF John Phillips, accidentally shot as
mark Of affection by his BROTHER"
A milk-pitcher thrown by his wife at
Water street man on Monday, missed the
aim and ruined handsome frame which
enclosed the words 'fGod bless our home.n
The best defence of lying that we have
ever read is theremark of Charles Lamb
related by Leigh Hunt. that truth is pre-
cious, and not to be wasted on everybody"
A Webster worshipper, indulging in re-
miniscences Of the great expounder, speaks
of the 'slarge Webster sInile,'' as being es-
pecially captivating. Alas. and thereby
hangs a tale. He smiled not wisely, but
too often.
Nevada brides won't stand much fool
ishness at avoiding. Recently one of
them while going up the aisle Of the church.
stopped short, and kicked all the skin off
the shins of a groomsman who trod on her
trial.
An Iowa station agent, who wanted to
use red lantern, but had no globes, wrote
to the superintendent fora gallon of red
oil. The latter sent him his discharge
If there is ever another war Kentut ky
can arm her entire militia with rifles that
Daniel Boone once carried.
"Why did you pass yesterday without
looking at me?'' said beautiful woman to
Tallevrand, because, madame it l lad
looked could not have passed"
If,you are thinking of offeringyouf hand
20 lady, it is always best to choose your
opportunity. As good time as any is
when she is getting out Of a car.
That was mean man out in Kansas that
took the gold filings out ofhis wife'ste"5h
the other day and sold them to a pawn
broker to buy collar for his dog.
An itinerant preacher. who fambles IN
his sermons. when requested to stick to ms
text, replied, ''that scattering shot would
hit the most BIRDS