The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1875-03-26
A SOLEMN SKETCH.
Putting an Undertaker-A Difficult Under
taking.


taking.
"Ive taken your paper for twenty-siS
years, he commenced as he reached the
head OF the stairs, "and now l want G
puff"
He was very tall, slender man, had a
face which hadn't smiled since 1S42, and
his neck was embraced by awhile cravat,
and his hands were thrust into black
gloves.
"Ive got a new hearse, n new stock OF
collins, and | want local notice, he
continued, as he sat down and sighed, as
if ready TO screw coifin-lid down.
"My dear SIR" replied the man III the
corner, I've met you at n great many
funerals, and your general bearing has
created favorable impression. You
sigh with the sighers, grieve with the
grievers, and on extra occasions you can
shed tears of sorrow, even though ystl
know that you can't get 10 per cent. OF
your bill under six months.
eyes," sighed the undertaken, III
stinctively measuring the length Of the
table with his eye, and wondering to
himself why editors tables weren't Gov
cred with Grape, with rows OF coffin nails
around the edges.
"Death is very solemn thing" con-
tinued the man in the corner; but still,
il is an occasion when one can appreciate
a neat thing / have seen you rub your
knuckles against door-posts and never
change countenance I've seen You listen
to eulogies on men who owed you Tor
twenty years before their death, and you
looked even more solemn than the be-
reaved widow; I've seen you back your
hearse up to door in such an easy, quiet
way that it robbed death of half its
terrors. All this have l seen and APP
preciated, but / couldn't write puff for
you"
"Why not?" he demanded.
"For many reasons. Now you have a
new hearse. Could l go on and say {:
Mr.. Sackcloth, the genial undertaken,
has Just received fine new hearse, and
we hope that our citizens will endeavor
to bestow upon it the patronage such
enterprise deserves 1t rides easy, is
handsomely finished, and those who try
it once will want 10 other. Could L say
that 2"
"No, not very well"
"Of course I couldn't. You can call
grocer or dry-goods man genial
friend, and it's all right, but you aren't
genial-you can't be. It's your business
to be solemn. If you could be even
more solemn than you are, it would be
money IL your pocket:
"Thlts so, he said, signing heavily.
''if it was an omnibus, or Il coal cart,
or a wheel barrow, L could go on and
write chapter on every separate spoke,
but it isn't, you see. "
He leaned back and sighed again.
"And as to your collins, they are
doubtless nice collins, and your prices
are probably reasonable, but could l go
on ana say, Mr.. Sackcloth, the under
taker, has just received his new styles in
spring collins, all sizes, and is now pre-
pared TO see rs many OF his old custom
ers as want something handsome and
durable at moderate price. Could l
say that -
Another sigh.
q couldn't say that you were holding
n clearing-out sale in order to get ready
for the spring trade, or that, for the
aske of increasing your patronage, you
had decided to present each customer
with chrome. l couldn't say that you
were repairing and re-painting, and had
the most attractive coflin-shop in De-
troit. It wouldn't do to hope that peO-
pie would patronize you, or to say that
all orders sent in by mail would be
promptly filed, and that your motto
was: "Quick sales and small profits -
He put on the look of tombstone
and made no reply.
"You see, if you had stoves to sell, or
dealt in mackerel, on sold tishing-tackle,
everything would be lovely. You are
an observation-disclosures, sedate, mourn
ful. You revel in Grape, and you never
pass black walnut door without thinking
how much good coffin lumber was reck-
lessly wasted. The tolling bell is music
to you, and the City Hall flag at half-mast
is fat on your ribs. We'd like to oblige
you, bat you see how it is. "
90 Yes, / see." he sighed, and lac
formed in procession and moved down
stairs, looking around now and then to
see if the hearse was just thirtyfour feet
behind the officiating clergyman's car
riage. -DstrOH Free Press.