, 1875-09-19

| stealing pair Of shoes to Wear to Sunday
school says she will never try to be good again.
| The Washington National Republican says th.
nearest thing to funeral il to see q small boy
| with watermelon under bis arm, whistiins
~ Nearer, my God, to Thee"
| There is nothing more provoking to sensi
| tive man than to pay $3.50 lor pair OF blact
| kid gloyes, and then bo beguiled by dog-Gght
! until it ia too late to attend the funeral.
There was place apart in Heaven for good
wives who could judge ! wicked thing as 1arshly
when man did it ns when woman did it. Bu!
it has never beea occupied, I belieye.-Chee Foe
Tsia.
4 pious old lady, while t1udging along a dusty
road on sultry day, refused an invitation to
ride With liberal Christian, because .'if she
should 11do with Uniya,saller she might be
conYarted from her religion"
Massachusetts man is currying favor with
the fair sex by tract in which he seeks to show
taat there are two Heavens. one for men and one
for women The latter are to pass into thci1
Heaven without discrimination, but tho men are
to bo sifted before admission.
4 Scotch minister, who was famed for his dry
ness in the pulpit, called On one Of Ills aged
hearers, and, as usual, partook OF cup Of tea
He remarked to the gu:d wife that her teapot
wife, u it's Like yerself 1t las an unco bad de-
livery"
Sunday school teacher-You all remember the
passage in the Bible where the children got torn
to pieces By bears for saying to Elisha, = Go up,
thou bald head, go!" lote than usual promis-
Ing bov-Ah. I kuows ; and, had ELtaha woro
8 Lat, they wouldn't have kncw'a he was bald
headed!
4 youngstcr being required to write !. compo-
I.,f ~,
selected that which uuites the head to the body,
And expouuded as follows: "a throat is conven-
lent to have, especially in roosters and. mluia-
ters. The former eats corn md crows with it;
the latter breaches through his'n and then ties
itup. This is pretty much all can think Of about
neeks."
They tell wicked story about jovnl soul
that came up to tbs gates Of Heaven and asaed
admission. No." sald st. Peter, severely;
''you can't get IN you're not dt." The traveller
stepped back, looked the old saint steadily in
the eye, and crowed three ti1nes. st. Peter col
ored, shuddcred, and fumbIed for his key.
20 you eau go in" said he, III a rather slaky
yoice, - but don't do that to me- again."
"An't you exprisod to see 1nes" said 4 s.
year-old girl AS she tripped into my house in
tile midst Of a rain storm. ''Tne rain fell alI
over me like it ran down through 3 straioer, and
/ shocked il OF, but it wouldn't stay shocked. I
asked God to stop, but there VAS u big Thunder
speck !; and most know he couldn't SEQ me,
cause black cioud got over my head as black
as-anything! Nobody couldn't see little girls
through black clouds. I'm going to stay till the
look down ; and nd usy, 'Why, there's Set.ie! She
went to see her auntio right in the middle Of the
rain;' and guess he'll bs just as much exprised
as you was!"-'springtield (Afass.) Republican.
Tho London Standard, in reviewing sporting
book, tells the following story: "a North Devon
Rector was much in want Of q curate. He was
also the master, Of . rattliug pack of hounds
town visit. was Thus accosted By hiH grocer:
We'll, Mr. Tozer, have 20 got coorate ut for
Bridgweli?' Net yit; they don't all suit mais-
Ter; but here's his advertisement, SO reckon
we'll; must be q gentleman of moderate and or
tbodo1 views" Orthodox, Mr. Tozer? What
doth he mean by orthodox We'll, said the
churchwaraen, thoughtfully and in deep per
plexty, knowing the double nature OF the Gu
rates. duties, secular as we'll as sacred, Well,
can't exactly cay but reckon It's man as can
ride pretty we'll" -
Bishop Earanaueh, Of the Methodist Episco-
pal Church South. left for California few days
ago, where he will be engaged for the next sew
9ral months in attending to his duties on the
Pacific Coast. We never see Bishop Kava-
laughs name mentioned but what We remember
10. have heard hfr. john F. Zimmerman, of
Lexington (the publisher OF the old Danyi1le
9ri1uue) relate severa. years ago With good
zeal Of zest. Bishop Kavauaugh. IL early life like
alr. Zimmerman, was practical printer. One
lay good sister, IN conversation with him,
,sked: Bishop. is it true tl1st you were once .
printer? - Yes, madam be promptly replied, |
With 2 twinkle in his eye, ~ have pulled the |
lewis tail many 3 day until ny hands we're |
'llsteted!" TLe good lady was somewhat |
'tartled at the remark. but was entirely relieved |
Shen the Bishop explained TINT the 'sdevil's |
ais was only the bar-handis Of an old Wash |
ngton hand press that he had "pulled" during |
he days Of his apprenticeship in country Of |
ice. :. |
During the pioneer days Of Ionia, bIich., that
own had an odltor who WAS patient aud long !
uffrln.. Some Of tho members of the church |
;ot him to gisa $40 towards securing minister;
hen they wanted tl1eir religious notices inserted |
rec; then he wss asked for 325 towards helping /
o build parsonsge; and he finally found he t
'as g1viug the church more than be Was giving /
lis family. Hsnevettholess '"huug on for |
ime longer. until one evening be went to prayer
Meeting, and ho wss asked to leare his Office for
week and SO to help ctear the ground for
au,p-meeting. That was the last straw,
nd he rose, up md said '.Gen- /
lamep, I'd like to: 70 to Heaven With t
ou. know you all. You ate clever. and t
bliSipg, and kind md tender and it i'd be L