The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1875-05-07
KERNELS.
Baek-bisters-neas.

the night. EfFsE
Living on excitement l. very
expensive living.
Time is money, and many PEG
pie pay their debts with it.
A dcpraved pnnster says he
shall smoke IL he chews.
Retiring early at night will
surely shorten mans days.
A dressmaker's apprentice
speaks of her cross-cyed lover, as
the fellow whose looks are cut
bias.
The one thing neediul for the
perfect enjoyment of love is conf
dence-same with hash and sausa-
ges.
A baby in Milwaukee, Wis, has
been christened @Zero," in honor
of the cold Sunday upon which he
was born.
To many the path of life is near
" all tunnels-Danbury News.
That is what makes it such a bore.
Boston News.
A Chicago deputy sheriff was
refused free admission to a Chi
cago theatre. By way of re-
venge he impaneled the manager
on a petit jury.
Pleasant-faced people are gen
orally the most welcome, but the
auctioneer is pleased to see q man
whose contenance is for bidding.
A printer. hard of hearing, at
spelling match the other evening
asked the Captain to "Write the
darned word down so a fellow can
tel what it's"
A newspaper biographer trying
to say his subject "was hardly able
to bear the demise OF his Wife"
was made by the memorable prin.
ter to say, swear the chemise of
his wife"
A printer out West, whose of
fee is two miles from any other
building, and who hangs his sign
on the limb of a tree, advertises
for boy. He says, ga boy from
the country preferred"
First class in geography-"How
many States in the Union ?" "The
books say thirty.seven, but the
newspapers have it thirty-nine."
The newspapers are ahead as u.s.
ual, my son. Go to the head"
Mrs. Evarts said to Mr.. Evarts
yesterday morning: sect up and
open the hampers, William" and
Mr.. Evarts said absently, turning
over for another nap, "Your honor
will please note my exception"
Two Irishmen travelling on the
and Ohio railroad
track, came to a mile post when
one of them said: Tread aisy,
Pat; here lies a man los years old
his name was Miles from Balti-
The Graphic is authority for the
statement that during the war
General Tracy charged at the
head of his column on many a |
bloody field, and after the battle |
has often been seen sitting under
a tree, combing the cannon balls
out of his hair"
The Danburian is responsible
for the following: The boat |
swain's pipe will not be loaned to |
you to smoke. It's mistake to ]
inquire the time of day by the Ia
bored watch. Don't think you
can steer boat because you have |
been a tiller of the soil.
A country youth who desired to |
know how Co become rich, sent q |
quarter in answer to an advertise |
ment, and received the following
valuable recipe: "Increase your
Work eighteen |
hours day, and live on hash and |
oatmeal Cruel"
A contemporary asks: 'What |
are the street lamps for?" The
man who doesn't know what a |
street lamp is for is hardly fit to
sit in an editorial chair and mold |
public opinion. Street lamps are
for weary young men to recline
against at midnight, when they
forget the way home.-Norristo wn
Herald.
A theatrical company was doz-
ing in special car, in silence,
when the train stopped and the
brakeman yelled elizabeth A
ballett girl sprang to her feet,
half asleep, and cried: "Where's
Beecher?" and then hid her face
amid the roars of laughter which
followed the unfortunate associa-
ton of names.
The Whitehall Times says that
as Dawyer of the Sandy Hill Her
aid was standing on the railroad
depot platform at Fort Edward
lately, eonversing with friend, he
felt something jerking at the loop
OF his congress CATERS. He turn
ed quickly and discovered the
baggage man trying to get
check-strap through his after loop,
which he had mistaken for the
handle of Saratoga trunk.
Lo, Monday is the 'washing day."
As all good housewives know.
Memorable of dinners hashed
And clothes as white as snow:
And Tuesday Is the "ironing day,"
Md cold or fog or heat;
And Wednesday is the E.sewin~-dav''
To see the clothes are neat;
And Thursday is leisure day,
And Friday, brooms begin
To sweep away the household dirt,
Fore Sundays ushercd in,
And Saturday is "baking day.
Pies. buildings, cakes and bread,
And then, the weary week is done
And we-may go to bed!-Graphic.
HnMe MANllEAcTIlpEc