Smyrna times., 1875-09-29
Sehlausheimer Pites Himself Nit a
Dog.

Won of dose days Mrs. Schlausheimer
hear noises in de shtreet She room oudt,
and it vas Schlausheimer sittin on his
pack, kicking NIT his heels in de air up.
Und he shpidts NIT his moudt, und shtands
nit his head on und cry oudt, "I haf de
hydra-dog pite me! hav pite myself nit
a mad dogw Und dere vas a poodle room
ing de shtreet up, und eferybody let him
60 shoost SO fast as dey coot. Und Mrs.
Schlausheimer got frighted, und she say,
"Shall l room und got berwick a doctor
man?" "No," he says, ~ might die
pefore he comes, und den I would come
pack and pc a haunted houses wherefer
you vas. You know de noosepapers say
dot ven you pite yourself NIT a shna1es or
hydrantfobia, de only tings vot vor for
something's goot vas blenty visky-a whole
gallon full" So she put him awf his liddle
bedt, und went und got dot visky. Und
Schlausheimer vas awful sick; und if he
would hear con dog park in de shtreet
he would park tco, und if he would hear two
dogs in de shtreet park he would park dree.
Den Mrs. Schlausheimer would haf to gif
him som visky to make him shtop parking.
Den she says, "Schlausheimer, we're you
got pited?' Den he says, "On de side
walk" Den she says, "Vot part of you,
mean, is dat hydrantfobia? p Den he says,
at vas all ofer me-" Den she says, g Let
me see we're dot dog pite you, so l can put
on it a mustard blaster, und draw dot pite
oudt." Den he says, "You don't can draw
him oudt, und may pc you caught de
hydrantfobia pesides; und it vas only for
vone hydrantfobia visky in de house
gcnough." Den she says, "Let me 90 for
Doctor Sonnenschmidt." Den he says
"No; dots no good-Bologna sausages vas
peter. Pring some; vas hoongry." Den
she says, 81 should tink dat vas the worst
tings vot you can eat, Schlausheimer, fol
de hydrantfobia." Den he says, "Don1
you know de principal of homeopathy dot
same tings cure dot same tings?' Veil,
got pite on de outside by a dog, so l vii
vaccinate myself on de inside nit a sausages
Dots de only ting, pesides blenty vislly, do
vos for it some good. Veil so soon he ca
dot sausages, he park liddle. Den h
t says, Dots a good sign, dot vaccination
t took right away. Gif me a liddle sup
e more visky." Den he got sleepy, but ever
: time she shtardt for de doctor, he voul
: wake and park liddle, und call for liddl
t visky. At de last he was sound shleepir
L und she vent and got DR.. Sonnenschmidt.
a DIR. Sonnenschmidt says "Vere did Schlal
t sheimer pite himself" Mrs. Schlausheime
e says, "On his pack, near his ankle" S
+ dey look on his pack and his ankle, bl
h they didn't find no pite. Und DR.. Sonnel
}, schmidt says, Dots my opinions, MADAM
l. dot Schlausheimer makes some fools T
r YOU" Und Mrs. Schlausheimer say
L "Maype dot dog schared him so pad /
y gets hydrantfobia." Und DR.. Sonnel
IL schmidt says, cob! pshaw, nonsense
h Und Mrs. Schlausheimer says, "Schla1
o sheimer vaccinated himself nit sausage
st and maype dot took de pite oudt." Tn
d DR.. Sonnenschmidt says, "Oh! pshaw, no.
SeIlSei SclclI UlIIlSS' Il"o NO9 AA''N;
h cause de don't vas a homeopathic. L
r says, "Do you tink sausages vas medicine
N Dots shoost de kint of fools homnpathi
ID vas anyway. l told you, Schlausheim
k makes foolishness py you SO he can G
is visky." Und shure enough, Mrs. Schla
is sheimer foundt it oudt dot vas a respect
he bic dog coming peaceableful de shtreet u
ur und Schlausheimer vent pehint of hil
ed und kicked him, und den falls on his ov
ed pack down, and cry for visky.-Daab'
Is' Nccs.