The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1875-04-29
The Fat Contributor on Spring.

The Fat Contributor on Spring.
It is useless to attempt to conceal from our
readers the startling fact that spring is coming
The unusual severity of the weather, the re-
cent occurrence of two little children being fro
zen to death while searching for spring flowers,
and other tokens of the ethereal mildness OF
Western spring. tell the sad story without the
assistance of the spring poems, which we nave
carefully suppressed; and then the newspapers
are flooded with the usual array of items which
are regularly resurrected every spring: Hints
on gardening" that are carefully sclssored out
by the people who will spend 81 for every rad
ish they raise, and $3.50 for every head OF cab
bage they don't raise; and, ttoo,. we lind those
elaborate suggestion about furnishing houses;
how the "women can now apply to the furnish
ing of their houses the same infinite ingenuity
which has been spent upon their tasteful toll
cts, and with the same fascinating results"
and how, by the use of "chintz coverings this
faculty of invention may make over old turnl-
ture. and can render that which is new tit tor
EVERYDAY use and so open all the rooms in the
house to occupancy" Then the writer goes on
to tell the deluded women how to make elegant
lounges out of two pine boxes four feet long,
two feet wide and fourteen inches high, stuffed
with straw and covered with chintz-perfect
denominations in appearance costing only four
times as much as a good haircloth sofa, and
breaking down the first time ncautious compa-
nv sit thereon. The naturalists also the bugo-
meter, browsing through the leafess woods,
seeking for the awakening of insect life, rush
into print with their usual annoying contempt
for humanity and alteration of potato-bugs, to-
mato-worms and snails. The other day we
picked up one of our exchanges and read
this:
"The locust can be heard sixteenth OF
mile. An ordinary man will outweigh lo0,oUO
of them. Were mans voice IN proportion TO
his weight, in the ratio of the locusts, ne could
be heard over thousand miles. A flea weighs
less than grain of salt and leaps yard and
half when he's in hurry; were man OF l5O
hounds weight possessed of equivalent agility,
he could spring from the dome of the capitol to
China, and 20 around the world in two
jumps"
It is about the season of the year for such
items 1t is time they began floating around
insulting every man who chances to read them,
for it is indeed humiliating in the extreme to
be reminded of things in which Aea or bed
bug, or a giraffe is mans proud superior
"Comparisons are odious," and never are they
more so than in cases of this nature Are we
constantly to have these sarcastic illusions to
and reminders of our in6rmities and shortcom-
inps held I'D before us? Is it our fault that
locust can weigh less, scream louder and make
more noise than MANI Are we to blame be-
cause we do not combine the lungs of a locust
with the other organs and internal improve
ments of man, so that we might be heard
thousand miles when we have occasion TO make
remark in an earnest tone OF voice7 a nice
bedlam we would make of Cincinnati when all
the impatient women in the city would be try
ing to get their somnolent husbands up in time
for breakfast. A charming array of discord
this glad earth would present about ten O'Clock
Sunday morning, when an lnfurlated man IN
eyerv household within the city would be yelp-
ing for clean boiled rag, or demanding, to
know who had been pairing their corns with his
razor.
And then, as if this insulting comparison OF
our voices with the chirp of the locust, the
howl of the giraffe, and shrill voice of the gay
and festive bedbug were not sufficient, we must
have thrown into our teeth that flea can Jump
a ward and half when he weighs less than
grain of salt. Devoutly do we wish that he
Weighed ton, that he might swallow the para
praphists who wrote about him. Man, we are
iold ought to be able to jump "from the dome
of the capitol to China.' We read of a man
who tried it, but strange to say he didn't sue
ceed. He only jumped 1So feet.
These comparisons might be, and by enthu-
siastic naturalists are, extended to an infinite
number. Perhaps they teach us humility if
SO let us accept the lesson, and not pine, away
for the voice of the locust or the muscular de.
velopment of the ubiquitous flea. Probably, If
we were around in so many places where we
are not wanted and were snatched at and lett
as often and as abruptly as the festive tea Is,
we too would acquire the agility for which ne
is distinguished, and which is necessary for the
protection of his life. But speaking ofthe IDEAS
unparalleled feats in making big Spring
reminds us that we are in danger of DEPRESSING
from our remarks concerning spring of anoth-
er character. But there is yet another woe
which comes with the budding spring time to
lacerate the granger's breast. A burden ofsuch
weight, such awe compelling proportions, that,
like the Chicago fire, the Beecher-Tilton scan
dal and other public calamities, it can only % be
Spring poet. Bring forth the winged steed'
Whoa, January Cincinnati Saturday Night