The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1875-03-13
VARIETY.

L.
What il the difference between a mouse and
the toothache2 One cats cheese, the other cheats
ease.
The difference between the cook and her lover
is, the one cooks the meat, and the other me.ts
the cook.
When your pocket-book gets empty, and every
body knows it, you can put all your friends in IT,
and il won't " bulge out worth cent
PRov1DED.-As to the familiar problem, What
Is home without a mother? Brooklyn boy says
that it is a very pleasant place, provided she
leaves the key OF the pantry behind her.
HYPocRuIcAL-There is a vile hypocrite in
Bethlehem, Pa. He actually entertained COM
pany in honor of the anniversary Of the birthday
Of his mOther-In-law.
"Where woman" says Mrs. Partington,
- has been married with n eongealing heart, and
one that beats desponding TO her own, she will
never want TO enter the marriage state again"
A Michigan man couldn't find comb or a hair
brush in q Kansas hotel, and when he complained
about it the landlord replied: 1" II you are 50
particular as all that, you ought to have brought
the Astor House along with you"
A Fi-chburg (SIass.) conductor, with rare ac-
conlmodatiJn, stopped his train the other morning
for a woman. who rushing wildly after it..
She thanked him warmly, casually remarked that
she had forgotten TO kiss her husband, made good
the omission, and then strolled home again. And
that conductor abused the happy husband all the
way 10 Worcester.
A schoolmaster, from mere curiosity, put the
question TO the scholars, " What is nothing" a
pause ensued, until an urchin, whose proclivities
tor turning penny were well known among his
schooI-felI0ws, got up and replied: "It's when
a man asks you to hold his horse, and just says
thank you" The answer has since earned con-
siderable notoriety for the younsster
ANYBODY wishing to speculate in real estate can
buy a house in New York cheap It Is situated
between two churches that have clocks; and that's
the reason Mr. johnson wants to sell IT. One OF
these is Invariably second or two behind the
other; consequently when johnson stops out un-
ill O'Clock, as he often does, Mrs. johnson says
TO him, as each Of the clocks strike /: There
A nice time for a married man to come home
O'Clock 80 johnson, like the gay old sport be Is,
thought he might as well stay out until 2, mas
much as he got the blame for it. So he stayed,
and Mrs. johnson she stayed tOo-she stayed up
until be got in, and made him listen as the clocks
struck 4. Then she threatened to 90 to her
mother or get her ma to come live with her. as 1t
WIS impossible to live all alone in the house.
This kind OF frightened the old fellow; 50 he came
in the next night before u o'clock, and as those
clocks commenced duet at IL and pngled out
twenty-four strokes, he looked at his wife with
smile, as II TO say: - Now We got you =! She
began to cry, and said he stayed out until call
hours" Thus it u that johnson Is grieved and
"DE PEzv1sIoSs, JosIAR-"-A sapient looking
Fayetteville darkey, Oscillating between twenty
and twenty-five summers, overlook an old negro
on the street the other day, and wedging him IN
fence corner proceeded to acquaint him with all
the gorgeous provisions Of the Civil Rights Bill
Young Africa impaired 10 old Africa a fund OF
valuable information, thusly:
.sWeIl, Uncle Billy, Summers swivel rights
bill has passed de Senate ob de United States
widout n nurmur.
- IL dat so, JOsinr?'
.. .Jess so, Uncle Bill. And say, Uncle Billy,
We eoIored pussons is gwine to see whose Pervi-
sious is in de pot. We are gwine to be allowed
20 ride free on De railroads, smoke IN the ladies
car. and put our feet on de percussiOns Oh de
seats wheneber we dam please"
ssIs dat 50, JOsiar 2
a. les SO. Uncle Bill. And say, Uncle Billy,
ws's gwiue to be allowed to stop az de hotels, and
eat al the head Ob de table, and hab de biggest
slices Oh De chickens and lay around IN de paror,
and spit on dc carpets and make de white trash
hustle themselves and wait on Us widOut grum-
bIin' and wheneber DC boss OBJ de concern shoses
a bill at US, wei hab him sent 10 Washington
and obseured in the PlenipOtentiary-"
- Is dat 50. JOaIarR
- Jess 40, Uncle Billy. And say, Uncle Billy,
ives gWinc % be allowed b 20 10 de white schools
and set up on de hatfOrm Wild de teacher and learn
zehography, triZger-manometry, gehominy, Latin,
Dutch Preach, ChOctaw, algebray, rheumatics,
de rule OF thrice, and de diarrhea-"
ssGood God is dat 80, Josiar2''
ssJess 50, Uncle Billy And say, Uncle Billy,
IVES REine 10 be allowed 10 be buried IN italic
eofins wild IookiGg-glasses on top Ob dem, and dey
will hab % carry on herrse TO de grabe yard
and bury us on top ob de white folks, 80 when de
day % resurrection am arrived and de angle Ga
briel come toOJin along, he III sing out troo his
trumpet: All you cUlOred gemmen rise fust :!
And say. Uncle Ball, de pervisIons OBJ dat bill
What's dat you say bout pervisions, JOsiarf
"WeII, Uncle Billy, az / was gwine on 10 state,
de pervisions OBJ dat bill"
GStop right dare, Josiar. You say dare's per-
yislons In dat bilI2'
Jess 50, Uncle Billy. De Pervisions OBJ dc
bill"
sStop right dare, JOsar. Ef dare . Pervisions
iu-,iat bin. / want a sack ob -four dis berry min
nit Dam de smokin' in de ladies car, and de
gehography, and Latin, and de itallc cofhns l
want De pervisious, Josiar- Dey's all dere Is IN
de bill wuf a dam eent!"-FayeffsrIHe (Ga-)
Express.