The Hawaiian gazette., 1875-08-11
Variety

The best way to get along with barbers-Grin
and bay-rum.
Drinking glass after glass must produce pupes
in your inside.
A mar goes to extremes when be kicks and
gets his daDder up.
wbea may a chair be said to dislike you !
When Il cant bear you.
Women's eyes are very small things, but it
takes good sized men to fIl them.
When mao has house lot on which he can
not pay the taxes be has site to much.
A chap picked up paper Saturday and read
the head. 1" General Washington Dispatches, /"
sho," be exclaimed, " / wnuier know if that
crit.er amt dead yet p
'' Prohibition after all" said red-nosed fellow
as be read the Senate liquor bill nobody allowed
70 sell before seven o'clock what of encour-
agemeut is that 10 early rising gs"-ProviClenoe
Journal
A captain in the navy on meeting friend as
be landed boosted that be had left his whole ship e
company the happiest fellows in the world /" How
50 q asked bis friend Why, / have just hogged
veuteen and they are happy it is over, and all
The rest are happy that they escaped"
An elderly gentleman returning home from
church began to eKtOl the merits OF the sermon
10 bis son. Said be Jack, / have heard one
Of The most delightful sermons ever delivered be-
fore Christian society. 1t carried me to the
gates OF Heaven" Why didn't you dodge in p
replied Jack; you will never have another
such chance"
A large and ferocious dog, finding his way into
Q dy-goods store filed with lady customers,
created considerable alarm, when q raw looking
case remarked that il they'd give him what be
wanted. likely the dog would leave. What could
a dog want 10 Adry-gOOds store Why, he wanted
muEzIin', OF course.
The Princess de Cont, daughter of Louis
XIV, expressing before the Moorish Ambassador
her dislike Of polygamy, the latter replied +" Mad
ame, plurality Of wives is allowed amongst us, be-
cause, in our country, we must seek in several
women the charming qualities which are here
found in one. This excels Spanish politeness.
A recent book Of historical "reminiscences Of
the House OF Commons narrates the aughable
failure Of one member who rose fully primed for a
frsi attempt He said "Mr. Speaker, am
asionished-slr. am astonished-sr, Iamaston-
ished aud then his astOnisbment overcame him,
and be sat down, never to rise in Parliament
again.
Every one knows what high prices dentists in
Pans charge, consequently every one will appre-
ciate this story lady went to one of the fra
taruity TO have q tooth extracted He did the
work in q moment and she gave him ten frnncs
lie looked at it with disgust. " Is this for my
servant 2 he said. No, sir. she answered, it
is for both Of you.
A correspondent Of the Hartford Courant re-
calls the following story about Rufus Ohoate
Mr.. Chos.e being i'll, and about to sail for Europe
in search Tor health, was escorted to the steamer
by friends, one Of whom. trying TO cheer the
sick man said. "Why, Mr.. Choate, you'll be
in Boston year hence" my friend" replied
Mr.. Choate, shall be here q thousand years
hence
"what's de occasion of dat big smoke over
darY" inquired one colOred man of another at
the market yesterday. /" Fire, sir" was the an
swer. And what's de occasion Of de fre7'
Combustshun." And what's combutshuu 2"
Ny friend" replied the other, crossing his legs,
dar's heaps Of things in dis world dat no mig
ger ever knowed or ever will know, an we'll
change the subject to gooseberries."
mo, / don't want none of your lightning
rods" said a Kentucky farmer to a man who had
stopped at his house TO put up some patent light
ming conductors. +" amt afraid of lightning
it's the thunder believes going to knock Rs all
endwise" You don't seem to comprehend
said the peddler; these ere silver tipped rods
are lightning rods and the gold tipped ones are
thunder rOds-just what you want, and be per-
suaded the old man in ordering up the gOld-tipped
rods
A Vermont horse jockey boasting the other
day Of the speed of his horse, grsvely asserted
that be could trot seventeen miles an hour.
Seventeen miles an hour r. says bystander
&" guess as how that's thumper." My dear
fellow replied be of the Green Mountain,
seventeen miles is not great for the creature
now; for when be was but two years old the
lightning killed the old mare and chased the colt
all around the pasture without getting within ten
rods Of him."
Ia some Of our temples Of worship, those who
GO round with the contribution box plead and
argue the case as they 60 along. One of these
gentleman recently extended the box to q good
looking gent, who slowly shook his head. "Come'
William, give something" said the good man Of
the church with the box. "Cant do it, deak,
said William. Why noti isn't the cause good
one 7" Yes, good 'nuif; but amt able to give
nothing Pooh pooh know better. You
must give me better reason than that Well,
1 owe too much money" Well. but William
yOu owe God much larger debt than any one
else" That's true but He amt a-pushin me
like the rest Of my creditors"