The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1875-10-09
VARIETY.
Bur ONE-New Bedford has hut one whale
left-a schoOl-master.

BUr ONE-New Bedford has hut one whalei
left-a schoOl-master.
SBANT CARE.-A widow was weeping bitterly
ut the loss of her husband, and the parson tried
to console her. " No, no. said she- Z" let me
have my cry out, and then shan't care any
thing more about II"
IA disgusted visitor to the Bay State says
that If the Pilgrim Fathers, the morning they
crawled up the bank, had been compelled to eat
breakfast at a Massachusetts, hotel, that State
might to-day be bowling wilderness.
THoUoHr SOMETHING ALLIED IT.-A Pough-
keepsie parent lately induced q croupy little boy
to make quite hearty meal of buckwheat cakes
and molasses" ;" but the latter proved to be rice
syrup OF squills The boy said he thought some
thing allied the molasses the very minute his
father told him to eat all he wanted.
VERY POORLY "A Vicksburg lady was re-
Gently inquring of girl from over the river how
acertain old acquaintance, who marrieda widow
er a few months ago, got along % Very poorly -
replied the girl; " There's five children wlo
ought to be spanked twice day, and Maria.'s
left-handed and can't begin to do 'em Justice
Poor woman my heart bleeds for her -
ExcE1s.-The Princess dc Cont, daughter of
Louis XIV, expressing before the Moorish Am
bassador her dislike to polygamy, the latter re-
piled " Madame, plurality of wives is allowed
among US, because, in our country, we must seek
are here found in one.' This exces Spanish
politeness.
WHAT SHE SME1T-A little girl came into our
house, one day, and some apple-parings lay on
plate on the table After sitting awhile, she
said. " / smell apples" 90 Yes" replied, al
guess you smell those apple-paring on the
plate.'' 60 No no,'' said she, '' faint them /
smell; smell whole apples -
Bald-headed men are only living a little in ad-
vance of their time. According to Darwin, we
are indebted to our frisky ancestor, the ape for
onr hair, and men with long boards and polite
scalps have no reason to feel that they are par
ticularly superior to their less lovely fellowmen.
It may be extinction TO the barber business, and
q blow to human vanity, but the coming man is
to be bald-headed.
- ANTINoNY. "A Silver City man, whose wife
has applied for n divorce, thus relates to the
editor of the Times: sc You see, sir, the old wo-
man has piled for divorce but that's not what
makes me mad l don't mind that don't care
about the divorce; but you see, sir, she wants to
get dntinony out of me, sir-she wants to get
Gyltinony out of met And he rushed out of the
Office to see his lawyer.
Could Do MUCH BETTER.-A minister who
preached on some special occasion in a country
town was told beforehand that the people could
not afford to pay him more than guinea. When
service was over he answered the congratulations
of the elders almost with smile Of contempt,
saving: SO Do you call that an eloquent sermon?
| should Just like you to hear my three guinea
one"
A merchant in indianapolis, having long been
ANNOYED by loafers who persisted in lounging on
the iron railing in front of his store recently hit
upon happy means of driving them away. Hay
ing obtained strong electric battery, he waited
until he had the railing fully occupied by the
champion loafers of the city, and then he con-
nected the circuit and turned on the battery full
hon lsV,-F F,Oy.o hnt, Er-a
utes, and then allowed them to let 60 and make
of. They think the devil is in that railing now,
and not one of them will touch it.
The late Judge Grover of the New York Court
of Appeals was rough diamond, and very funny
anecdotes are told of him. Once, when practicing
before petty jury, he declared that he would
not give neck of potatoes for his Honor's law.
Upon being called to account for his language,
Mr.. Grover humbly apologised, but seriously
weakened the force of his retraction by declaring
that if he had said q half bushel he never would
have taken it back.-BOStOH Post.
In Des Moines recently the life insurance agents
had crack baseball nine, who could beat any
amateur club in the vicinity wag made
bet with leading man of the insurance interest
that within three days he could get up an amateur
nine TO beat the insurance club in Il friendly
game. The bet was taken, and when the day
came the agents were Mortified to discover that
every man in the opposing nine carried heavy
policy on his life The effect was that the agents
did not dare to bat, throw, run hard for fear
of Iniuring some of the policy holders, and the
insured were triumphant Victors over the insurers
LIKE GAME OF SEvEN-UP.-The Denver MIR
ror says: The report of sermon by Fremont
county preacher is worth repeating here: ''Boys,
You'll find this life just like game of seven-up.
You want to save your tens and look out for game,
an never beg when you hold good hand. Also,
recollect in the long run, low counts as much as
high, if it is only trump. The devil has stocked
the cards, but just play EN- honest, and when it
comes your deal yer bound to get winning
hand every time, and old splithoof will jist have
to jump ihe game and look for softer snap.
Also. n You happen to turn Jack, call it lucky;
but don't forget to remember that turning Jack
is uncertain business and II never do to bet on -