Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1875-06-11
HUMOR

sse NOR.
Jones gave lawyer a bill to be collected
to the amount of $50. Calling forit, after
awhile he inquired if it had been collect
ed. ssOh, yes,' said the laweyer, "I have
it all for YOU" ''What charge for collect
ing?" CON- said the lawyer, laughing.
"I'm not going to charge you-why have
known you ever since you were baby,
and your father before you; 500 will be
about right" handing over $40. ''Wen,"
said Jones, as he meditated on the tran
saction, sits darned lucky that he didn't
know my grandfather, OF [ shouldn't have
got anything!''
An amusing story is told of Geo. Childs,
of Philadelphia, who takes great pride in
showing his establishment to visitors. He
had passed through several Of the depart
ments, and as he approached the stereo-
type rooms, remarked that this room was
always kept in perfect order, when on open
ing the door, there lay a drunken compost
tor fast asleep on one Of the imposing
SUOlCO, WIN oAd AOu ctPPC0l w Nv LII PO4ASCu
order. The disgust Of MI. Childs can be
better imagined than described.
are something fearful to contemplate.
Tongue spells tongue" and the man
who first spelled it should have been hon
que. Ache spells 'ache," and that's all
you can mache out of it. Eight spells
"eight, - no matter how you depreceight
the idea; and that aisle should spell
ssaisie,' and f-e-i-g-n 'feign,'' is enough to
make anybody smaisle, if the effort were
not too peignful.
'sYe s, you may come again next Sunday
evening, Horace, dear, butt and she hes
itated. HWhat is it, darling? Have [
given you pain?' he asked, as she still re-
NAMED silent. GU didn't mean to, Pm
sure,'' she responded, ''but nexC time
please don't wear one of those collars with
the POINTS turned outwards; they scratch
SOB
There was woman's rights meeting in
Colorado, recently, to which no gentlemen
were admitted. Somebody, however, put
live rat in the room from the ceiling,
and with hurried Resolved, that we ad-
iourn.' and some shrieks and confusion,
the gathering scattered. -Rochester Demo-
crdt.
A statistican has figured it out that the
average man, who has no eccentricities
regarding the early bird, will pass his sev-
erty wears as follows: Sleeping twenty
three years: eating eight years. How
MANY years seventy year old matron
passes in doing up her back hair is not
stated. s G s-tta
A captain in the navy, on meeting a
friend as he landed. boastel that he had
left his whole ships company the happiest
fellows in the world. slow so?' asked
his friend. "Why, have fosged seven
teen, and they are happy it is over; and
all the rest are happy that they escaned
A little girl at school read thus: 1.-The
widow lived on a limbacy left her by a
relative.' "What did you call that
work?'' asked the teacher: ''The word is
legacy. not limbacy." 'But," said the lit
tie girl, s'my sister says L must say limb,
not leg"
"WeIl. doctor, its no use, I'm going to
die!u.sN onsense," said the doctor, you're
not going to die at all. No @aE eyer died
with feet as warm as yours!" "Ab, yes
t.,ey did, DOCTOR 81 should like to know
who. then?' said the doctor. John Ro-
gers did, said the patient.
Augustus, DEAR" she said, tenderly
wishing him from her as the moonlight
flooded the bay window where they were
standing, 81 think you had better try some
other hair dye; your moustache tastes like
turpentine. y
A boy who will yell like a Tartar if
drop of water gets on his shirt band when
his neck is being washed, can crawl
through Il sewer after a ball and think
nothing OF H.,
3 Take life easy and don't always be try
ing TO beat the ian up, says an exchange.
You may win for a while. but in the long
run you are sure to be beaten, and some
morning it will rise when you don't.
The son of clergyman was delivering |
a college valedictory, when. in pulling out |
his handkerchief, he pulled out pack OF |
cards. ~HoIloa!" he exclaimed, ''I'ye got |
on my fathers coat"
A country editor cannot be as bold and
independent iii his paper as his city brother.
He has to collect his own subscription
and almost everybody in the country keeps
dogs aabMry Nees.
A pions yonng widow of Milwaukee,
speaking of a handsome young fellow who |
lives in her neighborhood, says: ~ feel |
set back year in my religion every time
l meet him.
'Lemme die now" gasped az Ohio faE-
mer, 1--WE lived to see a womangitt thirty
one yards of cloth into one dress, and I'm !
ready to pull stakes now"
The Rev. Mr.. Stillwell was kicked Oh
of Logansport, Indiana. for soliciting
little bird to sing in Che heart of one of
his parishiOners.
A man is said to be absent-mindea Whe,
when he thinks be left his watch at homle /
and takes it out of his pocket to see if he |
has time to return home and get Is.
Mrs. Keen, of Springfield, declined 10 all
Sow her daughters to take part in q snaassl-i