The Middlebury register. [volume] (Middlebury, Vt.) 1850-1882, 1875-03-16
PUTTING AN uNpnnrAKEn.


"l've taken your paper for twenty.six
years." he commenced as he reached the
head Of the stairs, "and now l want a
puff"
He was a very tall, slender man, had
face which hadn't smiled. since 1872.
and his neck was embraced by a white
cravat, and his hands were thrust into
black kid gloves.
"Ive got new hearse, new stock Of
cofhns, and l want a local notice." he
continued, as he sat down and sighed, as
if ready 10 screw coffin lid down.
"My dear sir" replied the man in the
corner, "I've met Jou at great many
funerals, and your general bearing has
created favorable impression. You
sigh with the sighers, grieve with the
grievers, and on extra occasions you can
shed tears of sorrow, even though you
know that you can't get ten per cent. Of
your bill under six months.,'
"Yes," sighed the undertaken instinc-
lively measuring the length of the table
with his eye, and wondering to himself
why editors tables weren't covered with
Grape with rows Of coffin nails around
the edges.
death is very solemn thing" con-
tinued the man 10 the corner, "but still,
it is an occasion when one can appreciate
neat thing. I've seen you rub your
knucklcs against door.pos;s and never
change countenancc I've seen you listen
to eulogcs on men who owed yor for
twenty years before their death, and you
looked even more solemn than the be-
reaved widow I've seen you back your
hearse up to door in such an easy, quiet
way that it robbed death Of half its ter.
rors. All this have | seen and appreca-
ted, but couldn't write puff for You
Why not p he demanded.
"For many reasons. Now you have
new hearso. Could 60 on rud say
Mr.. Sackclotb, the genial undertaken,
has Just received foe new hearse, and
we hope that our citizens will eadeavor
to bestow upon it the patronage such en-
terprise deserves. 1t rides easy, is hand
somely finished and those who try it
once will want 20 other Gould say
that ?"
"No, not very well"
"Of course | couldn't You can Gail
a grocer or a dry goods man genial
friend and it's all right, but you aren't
genial-you can't be. 1t is yonr bust
ness to be solemn, If you could be even
more solemn than you are it would be
money in your pock ket."
That's so," he said. signing heavily.
"If it was an omnibus, or a coal cart
or a wheelbarrow, | could go on aud
write chapter gu every separate spoke,
r but it isn't, you see"
lie leaned back and sighed again
And as to your coflias, they are
doubtless nice collins. and your prices are
probably reasonable, but could 60 on
and say : Mr.. Sackcloth, the updertaker,
has Just received his new styles Of spring
collins, all sizes. and is now prepared to
sec as many Of his old customers as want
, something handsome and durable at
moderate price Could say that ~
| Another sigh.
, Il couldn't say that you were holding
clearing.out sale, in order to get ready
r for the spring trade, or that, for the sake
, Of increasing your patronage, you had
decided to present each customer with
chrome. couldn't say that you were
repairing and repaiuting, and had the
f most attractive coffin shop in Detroit. 1t
G wouldn't do to hope that people would
patronize you. or to say that all orders
sent in 10y mail would be promptly filled i,
, and that your motto was "Quick sales
and small profts.'
| Hc put on the look of tombstone and
made no reply.
t You see, if you had stoves to sell, or
v dealt in mackerel or sold fishing tackle,
Q everything would be lovely, You are
an NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS., sedate, mournfll.
!. You revel in Grape, and you never pass a
!. black walnut door without thinking how
), much good coffin lumber was recklessly y
Y wasted. The tolliug bell is music to you,
d and the City Hall flag at halI-mast is fat
| on your ribs. We'd like to oblige you,
5 but you see how it is"
"Yes, l see,' he sighed, and he formed
in procession and moved down stairs,
looking around now ard then to see ii
d the hearse was just thirty-four feet be-
Y hind the officiating clergyman's carriage
/. Detroit Free Press.