The Van Buren press., 1875-03-30
NO. 40
NV Deaf Aunt and Wife.


so good that it will bear reprinting occa-
sionally
had an aunt coming to visit me for
the first time since my marriage, and l
don't know what evil genius prompted
the wickedness which I perpetrated to-
ward my wife and ancient relation.
MY dear said to my wife, on the
day before my Auats arrival, 'vou know
Aunt Mary is coming to morrow. Well,
| forgot to mention rather annoying cir
cumstance with regard to her; she is very
deaf, aud, although she can hear my voice
yet you will be obliged to speak extreme
" loud in order to be heard. 1t will be
rather inconvenient. but know you will
do everything in your power to make her
visit agreeable.
Mrs Opie announced her detcrmina-
ltion to make herself heard, If within her
| power.
| then went to John N, who loves
a joke about as we'll as any person know
Of, and told him to be in the house the
next evening at 6 p. m, and felt compar-
auvely happy.
went to the railroad depot with a car
riage, next night, aud when / was on my
way home with my aunt, said My
dear aunt, there is one rather annoying
infrmity that Annie (my wife) has which
! forgot tos osmcntlon before She is very
deaf, and although she can hear my voice
to which she has become accustomed, ia
its ordinary tones, yet you will be oblig-
ed to speak extremely loud, in order to
/ 10 I -
Aunt Mary, in the goodness Of her
heart, protested that she rather liked
speaking loud, and to do so would afford
her great pleasure
The carriage drove up; on the steps
was my wife; in the window was John
N, with face as utterly solemn as II
he had buried his relatives that afternoon.
i am delighted to see you, shrieked
my wife, and the policeman on the op.
posits side Of the street was startled, and
my aunt fell down the steps.
Kiss me, my dear bawled my aunt
and the windows shook as II with the
fever and ague. ! looked at the window.
John had disappeared. Human nature
could stand it no longer. INpoked my
head into the carriage, and went into
strong commissions
When went into the parlor my wife
was holping Aunt Mary TO take of her
hat and cape; and there sat John with his
face buried ia his handkerchief.
Did you have pleasant journcyT
suddenly went of my wife like a pistol,
and John nearly jumped to his feet,
Rather dusty, was the response in
war hoop, and the conversation continu.
ed
The nclyhbors. for blocks around.
must have heard it, When ! was in the
third story of the building ] heard every
word.
In the course Of the evening my aunt
took occasion to say to me. How loud
your wife talks
told her deaf persons talked loudly.
and that my wife, being used to it, was
not affected by the eXertion, and that She
was getting along very nicely with her.
Presently my wife said oftly, AL,
how very loud your aunt talks!
Yes, said !, all deaf persons do.
You are getting along with her finely;
she hears every word you say And
rather think she did.
Exalted at their success Of being un.
derstood, they went it hammer aud tongs
till everything on the mantel piece clat-
tered again, and was seriously afraid OF
crowd cllecting in front of the house.
But the end was near. My aunt, being
Of an inventive turn Of mind, was desir-
ous Of finding out whether the exertion
of talking.was injurious to my wife So
Don't talking so loud strain your lengsT
said she in an unearthly whoop, for her
voice vas not musical as when she was
young,
1T is an exer,ion.' shrieked my wife
Then why do you do itr was the ans
swcring scream.
Because because-you can't hear, il
don't
What exclaimed my aunt, rivaling
railroad whistle this time.
began to think it time to cvacuate the
premises. and looking around and seeing
John gone, stepped into the back farlor
and there he lay, Hat on his back, with his
feet at right angles with his body, rolling
from side to side, with his fist tpokcd iato
his ribs, and most agonizing express
ion.
In rushed my aunt and wife, who by
th, time comprohendcd the joke, aud
such scodlng RS got then never gos
before, and hope never to get again.
| know not what the end would have
been, If John, in his cndcavors to be re-.
spectful and sympathetic, had not givea
vent to such groan and horse laugh
that all gravity was upset, and we scres.
med in concert
know it was wrong, and all that, -
tell such falsehood but l think tha
Mrs. Ople herself would have laughed il
she had seen Aunt Mray's expression
when''she was Informed that her hearing
was defective,
ES- Mark Twain says the sandwich
Islanders are generally as unlettercd as
the other side Of tombstone.
| rF- When Tilton took Mrs Woodruff
in bathing, all for the noble purpose of
/ shielding moor Reecher he fairly dis