South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1875-09-10

W." VIZ S'o" w iaii i'tSI enough 10
hurt himself"
t0'A young granger told his mother
he wouldn't shell corn, but when his IA
ther remarked, you SHE'LL" he shelled.
COULDN'T TELL A Lien Quad re.
lates that as one OF the dozen old wo.
men who drive milk carts around De.
troit, was rafting across Campus Mar
thus, chap wearing lavender pants and
bright blue necktie, motioned for her
to stop, and then approached and in
CURED .
do you put water i'm your milk?"
Yes, sir" was her prompt reply.
"Ah,ha So you own right up, do your"
Yes, sir"
Her prompt reply rather staggered
him, but after some hesitation he asked !:
"And what makes you do it?''
Because it's much healthier for
calves when mixed half and half!'' she
retorted.
She waited for him to ask another
question but he couldn't think of any.
Iva clergyman says: 81 once mar
ried handsome young couple, and as |
took tie bride by the hand, ut the close
OF the ceremony. and gave her my warm
est congratulations, she tossed her pref
ty face, and, pointing to the bridegroom,
replied, Il think he is the one to be
congratulated"
No NONSENSE ABOUT HER-A day
or two ago when young colored man
living in this city, took a peppermint
lozenge to his teeth, leaned over the
gate and mentioned for his girl to bite
off the other half, she gave her head n
proud toss and replied: NO, sab If
you wants to marry me jist swaler dat
candy and spoke up like white man !"
-ptckSburg Herald.
tYN1t was at party that some young
ladies were discussing the relative bene-
fits of the sparrows and the worms, when
one of the fair ones appealed to young
Fizzleton, who had just Joined them, and
had not caught the drift of the CONVEX
sation, Which do you think the worse,
worms or sparrows?" What did the
stupid brute do but innocently answer,
II don't know; L never had sparrows."
lS "A precocious boy was asked which
was the greater evil of the two, hurting
another's feelings or his fingers. He
said the former. Fright, my dear
child" said the questioner, land why is
it worse to hurt the feelings?" Because
you can't tie rag round them" exclaim-
ed the dear child.
IVA Dissenting minister in England
was paid to preach n sermon on some
special occasion in the chapel of coun-
try town. AS the congregation was not
very rich, he was informed beforehand
that they could not afford to pay him
more than guinea for his DISCOURSE
When the service was over, he received
in the vestry the congratulations of the
elders, who were loud in the admiration
of his eloquence. He turned round up.
on them with almost n smile ofcontempt
and said, do you call that an eloquent
sermon? | should just like you to hear
my three guinea one !"
IT MAKES A DFFERENCE.-Whe n
Cass avenue husband went home the o.
Their night and handed his wife gold
locket she reached her arms around him
and exclaimed
ooh you dear old pipin there was
never another man like YOU ~
Next day he went home and found her
getting ready TO 20 on an excursion,
and he put his foot down and told her
to remain at home. She threw her bon
net on the floor, kicked over n chair and
remarked
Mother always said I'd married the
meanest man in Michigan. Detroit
Free Press.
tV'ITc was n Quaker, lean, solemn
and hungry looking lie stepped into
restaurant TO dine. Bread. meat. veo-
etables and a pie were placed before
him. Before he reached the pie his ap.
petite was satisfied.
"IIow much am to pay thcc?" he
said to the waiter.
Fifty cents. sir"
lie looked sadly at the untouched pie
and hesitated
"WiIl the price be the same If 7 eat
the pie?" he asked
Yes sir" said the waiter; cit is fifty
cents for the dinner"
Then the Quaker sat down again and
disposed of the pie, because he preferred
TO make his stomach suffer than that his
conscience should ever accuse him Of
not getting his moneys worth.
Then he went home and shortly after
wards died. and his epitaph reads:
Ofhunger he died not
Neither from gunshot-
But bis belly be trusted
Too long and IL busted
I1'John Paul fixed those Saratoga
walters. He put new fifty cent scrip
under a goblet ~ was maqnifed till
il looked like - bill The waiter