Alpena weekly argus. [volume] (Alpena, Mich.) 1871-1893, 1875-04-14
Iuinblcs.

what would you do 2 what would
lido! why" said Mr.. Theothus, rails
ing his foot and giving him one
"that's what I'd do" and forthwith
he kicked him into the middle of
next week.
A hard looking individual, with
despair written indelibly on his
features, went into merchant tall
or's establishment the other day
and tried to borrow a pair OF sus-
penders. When he found he could
not borrow them without leaving
seventy-five cents, he inquired in
a detected voice where he could
purchase some poison, for if be
was forced to go suspenderless, he
didn't care about living and would
Just as soon sink into the cold and
silent grave as to so stumbling
through this heartless world, where
a man is forced to pay cash for his
braces, and whiskey is at least four
dollars a gallon. He appeared to
be a Republican and it was the
night of the election.
Oh, when will l be free from the
ills of humanity! Oh, when shall
be free from the painful touch OF
disease! When! why, when the
immortal garment shall enshroud
your form, and Immortality, you, in
its cold embrace, shall clasp, and
you will be free from everything
but the sacrilegious touch of the
grave robber, and when he shall
lay his polluted hands onyour cold
form, what will you dol "What
will dol why, III spit in his
face"
i don't see your paper very often
nowadays" said o DENTS. not long
ago. "You would if You subscrib-
ed answered the editor. "We!l,'
said the dentist, eff you'll take it
out in dentistry, l don't mind and
at the end of the year we both
whack up and jump accounts
A nice young man Of our &C.
quaintanco desires o grain Of truth
from a Pot Of lye. lie wants to
SOW it.
A lady up our way is in want Of
tinker to solder the bottom in the
basin of canal.
a gentleman advertiscs for a
note from a sand-bank-a musical
one preferred: also an icicle from
the heights of GOODNESS, to temper
ice-cream and moderate hot-tem-
pers with. Ee also desires sex
ton to bury the dead sea.
A painter once took a contract
to paint the inside Of an house.
When the job was finished, the
lady Of the house kept bringing
some article or other for him to
touch up a little until his patience
was exhausted, and lie remarked
to the lady: "WeIl, I'll 90 out and
paint the wood-pile, and by thst
time you'll have all your articles
collected that you want painted
paint don't cost anything now-a-
days, and a painter can live on
nothing just as well as any one
else"
"What women should know is the
title Of new book. Well, what
should women knowl They should
know that when their husbands
say they're going to the "club," it
is just the same as if they were
told it was none Of their business.
A certain chap named Lemon
married girl named Pease. 1t
took two clcrgymen to tie that
knot, and it turned her into q lem
on squeezer and him into vegeta-
rian, and they are both going tc
raise lemons.
The above puts us in mind Of ar
incident related by a friend some
years ago. 1t took place in Gin.
cinnatti printing Office, and of course
it is reliable. The Cincinatti paper
had marriage notice to the effect
that man by the name of Eben.
ezor Sweet had married q cir
named Jane Lemon. The printer,
devil, full of poetical frenzy, got o
the following:
We this day record
The marriage of Jane TO Ebenczor.
And she from sour has turned 10 8 seet,
Ard he's a Lemon slucezer.
The editor made the devil a pre-
sent of new hat, and that devi
has quit rolling and gone into tn,
,1oa4rx, hnainaac