Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1875-09-10

JUDGE KELLEY's LESSON IN FINANCE FROM
A BARKEEPER.

JUDGE KELLEY's LESSON IN FINANCE FROM
A BARKEEPER.
| Rather an amusing and interesting oc
currence transpired during Judge Kelley's
Western visit which has not until now
found its way into any print. According
to a World correspondent, on the morning
after his great initiation speech, Mr.. Kelley
felt athirst, and walking down into the
bar of the fremont House. bade the atten-
dant barkeeper mix him whiskey cock
tail.
Mr.. Kelley tasted the beverage. See
here, Johnny" ''hc said that cocktail
doesn't rise and take me by the throat so
much as it should: | want it to be all to
me that the name implies. Just make it
stronger and give it to me in n bigger
glass, will your
The barkeeper promptly transferred the
contents into water tumbler and added
about twice their quantity of water.
Mr.. Kelley observed, somewhat testify ::
Hello hello, What are you doing, ell I?
| wanted a bigger drink, more of cock
tail, you know"
| The barkeeper smiled apologetically,
and begging Mr.. keley's pardon, emptied
the diluted cocktail into u weiss beer glass,
which he brimmed with water. There
was an ocean OF fluid family tinged with
pinkish amber, on the surface of which
| floated a shred Of lemon-pecl. The bar
keeper pushed the glass over to his Gus
+ toner, and affably resting both hands on
/ the counter. asked him how that suited
| him.
! Mr. Kelley first rubbed his eyes. and then
f pinched himself TO he sure that he was
himself and awake. Young man" he
said a; last. in his most solemn tones, do
, YOU call that q cocktail r.
do | call that cocktail T. he replied.
pityingly; "what'n blazes do YOU call it :
+ That's the best cocktail the world ever
saw. There's whiskey in it, there's gum
/ in il. there's Angosiora bit,ers in il, there 5
lemon-pcel in il, there's water in il, there's
I ice in il, and don't they make u cocktail Z
Besides, it's called cocktail, just the
same as a dollar is called 4 dollar, and
I don't that make il cocktail You can
( do auythin. with that cocktail that you
could do with any other cocktail: you can
/ drink 1t, You can pay for il don't that
make ii as good rs any other cocktail ?
What do YOU take me for Haven't |
read your speeches r.
But" gasped Mr. Kelley, growing very
red in the face. there's too much water
in il.
Too much water" rejoined the bar
keeper. why, you must have SO much
water in cocktail. anyhow, mustn't you I
Yet get your whiskcy like what you finan-
cial sharps call reserve, and then you
issue your cocktail on that basis. You
Q Il. l.
tail that adapts itself 10 the wants of the
customer. If lie wants 4 strong drink he
don't want much water; If he wants q
long drink I'll initiate his cocktail till its
volume equals his necessities. | tell you
I've studied up this here financial pro-
blem''
But, but" stammered Mr.. Kelley,
there isn't drop more whskey all the
while, and every drop of water you add
weakens and spoils it
That can't be" rejoined the barkeeper
Its just like finance. Whiskeys wealth
and cocktails currency. If you can ex-
pand your currency without any increase
of your wealth, and do no harm, why
can't you initiate this cocktail up to hogs
head full and let all them bummers out in
the street have good square nipl"
You don't understand" replied Mr..
Kelley. Its different in financial mat
tiers. There, there is the relief afforded
by my 3-65 inconyert-'
II know il, know it." briskly answer
ed the barkeeper; II tell you, Mr.. Kelley,
your heads level Now, here is nv in
convertible cocktail" Thus saying, he
poured half of the contents of the weiss
beer glass into another weiss-b glass !;
then continued: Now this tumbler is the
bonds, and this tumbler is the greenbacks
When you want a long drink you pour into
this tumbler as much out of the other one
as you want; if you want short drink
you pour some out of this tumbler into
,he other one. It's big thing" Mr..
Kelley was in despair. The barkeeper
continued:
You see want TO return to whiskey
basis, but l wish to do so without injury
to the business interests of the country.
Now. if you will wait till the water eva
porates and leaves the whiskey-"
Here Mr.. Kelley smote the counter with
his cane. Look here" he shouted, ''in
spite of your expanding the volume of
that drink, and humbugging me with
your idiotic inconvertible cocktails, and
talking dDout returning 10 WHlSkey UdSlS
without deranging my interests, don't you
see, you bowling ass, that that's the same
weak, thin, diluted, mawkish, tasteless,
abominable slush, all the time. l want
an immediate return to whiskey resump-
tion and no steps backward
'Keerect, Judge replied the barkeeper,
as he threw the inflated cocktail into the
sink, well repudiate this, as they always
do" And he mixed another cocktail on
whiskey basis. But" he said, 'spose
you hadn't another fifteen cents, or that
all the whiskey in the house had been in
that cocktail, where'd you have been,
eh r.
Mr.. Kelley smiled, and invited the bar
keeper to join him.
| A CURE FOR GRAvEL.-Dr. Streeter, of
Santa Barbara, tells the atlas that the
worst case of gravel may be cured, the de-
posit dissolved and passed away, by using
the water in which potatoes have been
boiled to pieces: strain the water, sweet
en- to taste and drink for two or three
weeks. This is painless cure.