The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1875-04-15
rUrr1NG AN UNDEnrAKEn.

PUTTING AN UNDERTAKEN.
"I've taken your paper for twenty
/ six years" he commenced as he reach
ed the head of the stairs, "and now l
want puff"
He was very tall, slender man ;
had face which hadn't smiled since
1912, and his neck was embraced by a
white cravat, and his hands were
thrust into black gloves.
"I've got a new hearse, new stock
of collins, and 1 want local notice.
he continued, as he sat down and
sighed, as if ready to screw coffin
lid down.
"My dear SIR" replied the man in
the corner, "Tve met you at a great
many funerals, and your general bear
ing has created favorable impression.
You sigh with the sighers, grieve
with the grievers, and on extra occa-
sions you can shed tears of sorrow,
even though you know that you can't
get ten per cent. of yeur bill under
six months"
eyes" sighed the undertaken,
instinctively measuring the length
of. the table with his eye, and
wandering to himself why editors ta-
bles weren't covered with Grape, with
rows OF. coffin nails around the edges.
'Death is very solemn thing" con-
| tinued the man in the corner; "but
still, it is an occasion when one can
appreciate neat thing. I've seen you
rub your knuckles against door posts,
and meyer change countenance I've
seen you listen to eulogies on men
whe owed you for twenty years be-
fore their death, and you looked even
more solemn than the bereayed
widow; I've seen you back your
hearse up to door in such an easy,
quiet way that it robbed death of half
its terrors. All this have 1 seen and
appreciated, but couldn't write puff
| for you"
"Why not ?" he demanded.
"For many reasons. Now you
haye a new hearse. Could 1 60 on
and say: "Mr.i Sackcloth, the genial
| undertaken, has just received fine
new hearse, and we hope that our cit
izens will endeaver to bestow upon it
the patronage such enterprise de-
serves. 1t rides easy, Is handsomely
finished. and those who try it once
will want no other" Could 81 say
that ?"
"No, not very WELL"
"Of course l couldn't. You can
call grocer or dry goods man a
fsgenial friend and it's all right. but
you aren't genial-you can't be.-Its
your business to be solemn. II you
could be even more solemn than you
are it would be money in your pock-
et." -f@
''That's SO, he said, signing heavily.
eff it was an omnibus, or a coal cart
or wheelbarrow, l could 60 on and
write a chapter on every separate
spoke but it isn't you see."
He leaned back and sighed again.
S4"And as to your csffins, they are
doubtless nice cofins, and your prices
are probably reasonable, but could
go on and say: Mr.. SackcIoth, the
undertaken, has just received his new
styles in spring coffins, all sizes, and
is now prepared te see ss many Of his
old customers as want something
handsome and durable at moderate
price Could say that?'
Another sigh.
Il couldn't say that you were hold
ing n clearing cut sale, in order to get
ready FOR The spring trade; or that,
for the sake OF Increasing your pat
ronage, you had decided 10 present
each customer with chrome.
couldn't say that you were repairing
and repainting, and had The most at
tractivc coffin shop in Detroit. 1t
wouldn't do to hope people would
patronize you, to say that all orders
sent in by mail would be promptly
filled, and that your motto was =
Quick sales and small profits!'
He put on the look of tombstone
and made no reply.
lyon see, if you had stoves to sell,
or dealt in mackerel, or sold fishing
tackle, everything would be lovely.
You are an NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS., Sc
daie, mournful. You revsl in Grape,
and you never pass a black walnut
door without thinking how much
good coffin lumber was recklessly
wasted. The tolliug bell is music to
you, and the city hall flag at half-mast
is fat OH your ribs. We'd like to
oblige you, but you see how it is"
"Yes, l see" he sighed, and he
formed in procession and moved down
stairs looking around now and then to
see if the hearsc was just tkirty-four
feet behind the officiating clcrgyman's