Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1875-04-02
II UMOR

1t is old, but good: In early days, say
1850 or 1851, Lieut.. Derby. United State,
army, Familiarity known as s'Phenix, %
took passage for San Diego. Derby, advanc-
ing to Capt. Bob Haley, asked the price of
passage, to which the answer came ''Sixty-
five dollars Derby-"Captain Haley,
what is the freight on lumber?' (which
was worth 500 per thousand feet.) Cap
tain-''Fifty dollars per thousand. - Derby:
(who was smart man)-''Well, Captain
Haley, as the freight on lumber is less than
passage rate, measure me, for l am a
board"
On Tuesday night. when Sixth street
man had to go to Wyandotte on business
which detained him all night, his wife
hardly slept wink from fear that he would
get hurt, yet he hadn't been home an hour
yesterday morning, when it took two
policemen to unclasp her fingers from his
hair and pry her teeth off his ear.
When Detroit boy is out until half
past ten in the evening. and the father
says to him: sBoy, the first thing in the
morning I'll settle this with your that
boy arises at daylight, seeks the buck-saw
and wood-pile, and he never lets up for a
moment until after his father has eaten his
breakfast and left the house..
When the Duchess of Edinburgh wants
to talk nicey-nicey to her boy-baby, she
has to say: "And was its own muzzy's
blessed little Albert Alexander Alfred En-
nest William?"- and then the overburd
ened infant goes into commissions that
would twist. the backbone out of plebian
baby.
A Kansas hypochondriac. medftating
upon the death of a dog-fancier in his
neighborhood. gives vent to the mournful
thought: ''Our great men are petering out
a sort o. rapid like these times. Whiskey
kills most on 'em; some tnmEles overheard,
and 'casionaliy one gets hung.
Why" said countryman to one of his
flock ''do you always sleep in your pew
when l am in the pulpit, while you are all
attention to every stranger?'' Because,
SIR was the reply, "when You preach, m
sure all's right; but cannot trust a strang-
er without keeping good lookout"
Mrs. Dale, of Detroit, held hot buck
wheat cake over her husbands counter
ance for several minutes because he ex-
pressed his disapproval of free love doc
trines. This family must be run on an
unsectarian basis" said Mrs. D.
A Philadelphia man says that when his
wife gets up in the morning with a jerk,
and neglccting to do up her hair. goes ST
ientIy about her work she is Undertaking.
domestic row which before night will
shake the house to its foundation.
4 clergyman in Iowa stood at his door
and warned donation party that the
first one who entered his gate would be
dead man. He said it was bad enough to
take half his pay in beans, without having
h is house destroyed.
SIS there gentleman III your club with
one eye named Walkef?'' said an American
to member of tine Savage Club in London
Il don't know" responded the English
man: ''what was the name Of the other
eye?''
Mclean County Progress One da
last week young girl, whose parents re-
side iii this county, swallowed forty per-
cussion caps. She really de served spank
ing, but her mother refrained for fear of
All explosion. Cautious mother that.
General Schenck's new work on 'sDraw
Poker is enjoying great popularity in the
West. 1t is used almost exclusively by
the courts in administer ng the oath to
witnesses and swearing in the iurymen.-
Brooklyn argus. g.
The astronomers are wasting their
mathematics in demonstrating to us that
we are getting nearer to the sun. We all
know it. After the experience of the past
month we should be fools if we didn't.
They have prime way of saving funeral
expenses among the Florida Indians. When
one dies his weeping friends place him on
the banks of the bayou, and the alligator
comes along and buries him.
An aged lady of Fontainebleu left her
physician an enormous oak chest as
legacy. On opening it, he found all the
drugs and potions he had gwen her dur
ing the past twenty years.
1t is said that sometime during the pre-
sent year party Of one hundred Englis
men is coming over to this country on
grand buffalo hunt. 'Ist!! 'Ush! Ark
The 'orn of the 'unter is card on the ill.
Boston man has died and left tive
hundred dollars to Universalist church.
If wood do an old-fashioned Methodist
preacher good to tell a revival congrega-
tion what has become of that man.
An eminent sculptor recently received
visit from ,sossuea richeu, who wished to
know what the charge would be OF an
equestrian bust of himself
William Knabe, Of Iowa, died OF frlghs
when told that his house was on ire. Notn-
ing like good heavy insurance.
Wbv is Hymen represented with torch!
To throwia light upon those little lpipef-
fectiops. Love is blind to.
Now Is the season when people shohso
scononize Nv burning almmanacS instead