The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1875-03-11
WHOLE NO. 1850.
Miscellaneous.
Music by handle-a street organ.
What is slosh? It's snow matter.

address"
He was Warm Spring Indian the
moment he sat down on hot stove.
The dog who leads the blind man to
the different free lunches is bar pilot.
The sentinel who did not sleep on his
watch had left it at the pawnbrokers.
A dressmaker's apprentice speaks of
her cross-eyed lover as the fellow whose
looks are cut bias.
The Snaniards believe that Jack the
Giant-Killer was real parsonage, and
that he lived in Canada.
Mark Twain says the Sandwich Island
ers are generally as unlettered as the
other side of tombstone.
Little Rhody proposes to have he cen
sus taken. That's. easy enough-let the
people stand up and be counted.
The lady who advertised lecture on
the subject of Moods was disgusted at
not having the FIRST person present"
Avoid annoyance; be cautious and
kindly. 1t is not safe to trample upon
SO humble thing as a bit of orange peel.
1t is the opinion of the doctor that the
lawyer gets his living by plunder, while
the lawyer thinks the doctor gets his by
pill-age.
The best way to play billiards is to sit
in high chair and make remarks, be-
cause then you are certain to win, how
ever the balls may circulate
Some people don't get enough of them
selves living with themselves every day,
so they keep a journal.-Beecher. That's
not so bad as writing letters.
1t is noted that all great humorists are
sober and sedate, with melancholy cast
of countenance.. It is rather serious bu-
siness to be funny.
The Cleveland Herald stands up for
three-card monte men. Some folks when
they have scraped little money togeth-
er, forget old friends.
Another $4,000 COW will never more
be bothered by blue-bottle flies in this
world The Fourth Duchess of Oneida
has been driven home by the Angel of
death.
If you should tell Vermont man that
carrying six black beans in his vest pocl-
ct wouldn't keep contagious diseases
away, he would set you down as one who
believed the world was fat.
Said a gentleman to his mistress, ''you
are very handsome" "Poohl" said the
lady, 80 you would say if you did not
think So" "And SO you would think,
answered he, though 1 should not say
So"
Forbearance is not always virtue,
even in clergyman. Imagine the feel
ings of the rural divine who, after getting
fifty cents for marrying a couple, found
that the bridegroom had gone off with
his new silk hat.
Sunday ay-school teacher to opupil-"Now,
my little man, can you explain to US the
phatically)- es, sir: cause he hadn't
any ashes to throw on the sidewalk"
Josh Billings says: "If you are going
to give man anything, give it to him
cheerfully and quick, don't make HIM
get down on his knees in front of you
and listen to the ten commandments and
then give him five cents"
A Dubuque boy was rather troubled
for fear that he would not know his faith
er when they both reached heaven, but
his mother eased him by remarking:
"All you have to do is to look for an an
gel with red nose on him"
An Iowa Judge named Noble, recently
sentenced a man to three years in the
Iowa Legislature, but the enormity of
the punishment dawning upon him.
commuted it to the penitentiary. "a
second Daniel come to judgment"
An Idaho gentleman stripped himself,
hung his apparel on the saw-buck, and
retired on pile of cord-wood. His mis-
take was discovered by his wife. who
overheard him quarreling with an imag-
mary old woman about there not being
cover enough on the bed.
Kalakaua, at latest advices, was back
in Honolulu, skirmishing around the
bar-rooms trying to borrow a quarter,
and wondering if there is to be found un-
der the bright canopy of heaven such a
choice lot of fools and hunkeys as those
he met in the country he has just visited.
A would-be school teacher in Toledo
recently replied to a question by one of
the examiners: DO you think the world
is round or hat?" by saying, "Well, some
people think one way and some another,
and I'll teach them round or fat just as
the parents please"
Colonel Prall, of Lexington, KY, says
an old lady on his pension-roll, now liv-
ing in that. city, was one hundred and
one years old last October. But the old
lady is killing herself smoking a pipe.
She has been at it now for the last half
century, and he thinks she can't stand it
many years longer.
Even in the saloons, opinions upon
grave subjects are expressed forcibly. A
gentleman slightly under the influence
of the intoxicating bowl furnished proof
of this fact, night or two ago. "Whis-
ky, zur," he said, ''hic-brightens the in
tellect. 1t ought to be introduced into
the public schools, zur."
A traveller called for mint sauce at the
Gilsey House the other day, and the
walters said they had none, adding:
"Our cook makes all the mince into pies,
not sauce" This is probably the same
"traveler" that called for corn bread"
when the waiter said they had none, add
ing, Isn't it corn bafe ye maneT'
Millionaires are called "rich men" in
New York, and none others may expect
this felicitous title A half millionaire
is said to be well off and Independent"
A $250,000 man is Every comfortable"
Place the figures at 100000 and the
owner is small man." under $4,000
he is poor" while $25, 900 man is such
a poor devil as to be unworthy of men,
ton.
In the Rondout Methodist church on
a recent Sunday morning the usual dom
ming of overcoats was proceeding amid
confusion, but had not been
when the pastor, Rev. J. j.
Dean, arose to pronounce the benedic-
ton. He paused moment and said:
Brethren, l guess l will put on my over
coat hereafter during the benediction, so