Bellows Falls times. [volume] (Bellows Falls, Vt.) 1856-1965, 1875-03-26
A Coffin Dealer who Wanted a No
tice.

We lhhen yVuA P"PSA 80 N"S''
years" he commenced, as he reached the
head of the stairs, "and now want
puff" /
He was a very tall, slender man, had
face which hadn't smiled since 1872,
and his neck was embraced by white
cravat and his hands were thrust into
black gloves.
"Pve got new hearse, new stock OF
coffins, and want local notice" he
continued, as he sat down and sighed, as
if ready to screw coffin lid down.
"My dear sir" replied the man in the
corner, "Pve met you at great many
funerals, and your general bearing has
created favorable impression. You
sigh with the sighers, grieve with the
grievers, and on extra occasions you can
shed tears Of sorrow, even though you
know that you can't get ten per cent of
your bill under six months"
"Ycs," sighed the undertaken, instinc-
lively measuring the length of the table
with his eye, and wondering to himself
why editors tables weren't covered with
Grape, with rows of coffin nails around
the edges.
death is very solemn" continued
the man in the corner !" but still it is
an occasion when one can appreciate
neat thing. I've seen you rub your
knuckles against door posts and never
change countenance; I've seen you lis
ten to eulogies on men who owed you
for twenty years before their death, and
you looked even more solemn than the
bereaved widow; I've seen you back
your hearseup to door in such an easy,
quiet way that it robbed death of half
its terrors. All this have seen and APP
preciated, but | couldn't write puff for
you.'
"Why not" he demanded.
For many reasons. Now you have
new hearse Could 60 on and say !:
Mr.. Sackcloth, the genial undertaken,
has Just received fine new hearse, and
we hope that our citizens will endeavor
to bestow upon it the patronage such
enterprise deserves. It rides easy, is
handsomely finished, and those who try
it once will want no other Could do
that?"
No, not very we'll"
"Of course couldn't. You can call
grocer or dry goods man a genial
friend and it's all right, but you aren't
genial-you can't be. It's your BUSH
ness to be solemn. If you could be even
more solemn than you are it would be
money in your pocket"
That's so" he said, signing heavily.
IF it was an omnibus, or coal cart,
ora wheelbarrow, / could go on and
write chapter on every separate spoke,
bnt it isn't you see"
He leaned back and sighed again.
"And as to your collins, and your
prices are probably reasonable, but
could | 60 on and say MIR. Sackcloth,
the undertaken, has justreceived his new
styles in spring coffins, all sizes, and is
now prepared to see as many of his old
customers as want something handsome
and durable at moderate price Could
! say that
Another sigh.
al couldn't say that you were holding
clearing.out sale, in order to get ready
for the spring trade, or that, for the SAKE
of increasing your patronage, you hac
decided to present each customer with {
chrome. | couldn't say that you were
repairing and repainting, and had the
most attractive coffin shop in the city
1t wouldn't do to hope that people
would patronize you, or to say that al
orders sent in by mail would be prompt
ly filled, and that your motto was
"Quick sales and small profits ;"
He put on the look of tombstone
and made no reply.
"You see, if you had stoves to sell, O
dealt in mackeral, or sold fishing tackle
everything would be lovely. You ar
an ndertaker-solemn, sedate, mourn
full. You revel in Grape, and you neve
pass black walnut door without think
ing how much good coffin lumber wa
recklessly wasted. The tolling bell
music to you, and the city hall flag a
half mast is fat on yourribs. We'd Xix
to oblige you, but you see how it is"
Yes, / see," he said, and he forme
in procession and moved down stair
looking around now and then to see
the hearse was just thirty-four feet b,
hind the officiating clergyman's ca
riage.
A competitive examination was latel
held for the purpose of appointing (
persons to some of the government o
fees in England. One of the candidate
inadvertently spelled the word venit
with two MS thus, Venniee. The e.