Los Angeles daily herald., 1875-03-14
gus Aagelss Aerala.
CITY AND COUNTY OFFICIAL PAPER.
SUNDAY,...........~MARCH IA, 1875.
Putting an Undertaken.

"pve taken your paper for 26
years,u he commenced as he reached
| the head of the stairs (says the De-
troit Free Press, "and now | want a
puff"
He was very tall, slender man,
| had a face which hadn't smiled since
l842, and his neck was embraced by q
white cravat and his hands were thrust
into black gloves.
tI've got a new hearse, a new stock
of coffins, and l want local notice. u
he continued, as he sat down and
sighed, as if ready to screw on coffin
lid.
"My dear sir" replied the man in
the corner, 'T've met you at great
many funerals, and your general bear
ing has created favorable impress
sion. You sigh with the sighers, grieve
with the grievers and on extra occa-
sions you can shed tears of sorrow,
even though you know you can't get
10 per cent. of your bill under six
months
"Yes,u sighed the undertaken, in
stinctively measuring the length of
| the table with his eye and wondering
to himself why editors tables were
| not covered over with Grape, with
rows of coffin nails all around the
edges.
"Death is q very solemn thing,n
continued the man in the corner, "but
still it is an occasion when one can
appreciate good thing. I've seen
you rub your knuckles against door
posts and never change countenance;
/ have seen you listen to eulogies on
men who owed you for twenty years
before their death, and you looked
even more solemn than the bereaved
widow; I've seen ysu back your hearse
up to door in such an easy, quiet
way, that it robbed death of half it's
terrors. All this I've seen and appre-
ciated, but 1 couldn't write puff for
YOU"
"Why not?" he demanded.
"For many reasons. Now you have
new hearse. Could 1 go on and say:
Mr.. Sackcloth, the genial undertaken,
has just received a fine new hearse,
and we hope our citizens will endeavor
to bestow upon it the patronage such
enterprises deserve. 1t rides easy, is
handsomely finished, and those who
| try it once will want no other Could
| say that?"
"No, not very WE'LL"
"Of course L couldn't. You can call
grocer or dry-goods man genial
friend and it's all right; but you are
not genial-you can't be. It's your
business to be solemn. If you
could be even more solemn than
you are, it would be money in your
pocket"
That is so," he replied, sighing
heavily.
"If it was omnibus or coal cart, or
wheelbarrow, l could write a chap
ter on every separate spoke; but you
see it isn'tn
He leaned back and sighed again.
"And as to your collins and your
prices, they are probably reasonable;
but could go on and say: Mr.. Sack
cloth, the undertaken, has just received
his new styles in Spring coffins, all
sizes, and is now prepared to see as
many of his old customers at q mod
crate price, Could say that?"
Another sigh.
81 couldn't say that you were hold
ing a clearing-out sale, in order to get
ready for the Spring trade, or that, for
the sake of increasing your patronage,
you had decided to present each GUS
toner with a chrome. 1 couldn't say
that you were repairing and repaint-
ing, and had the most attractive coffin
shop in Detroit. 1t wouldn't do to
hope that people would patronize you,
or to say that all orders sent in by
mail would be promptly filled, and
that your motto was, Quick sales and
small profitsp'
He put on the look of a tombstone,
and made no reply.
"You see, if you had stoves to sell, ,or
dealtin in mackerel, ,or sold fishing tackle,
everything would be lovely. You are
an undertaker-solemn, sedate, mourn
full. You revel in Grape, and you never
pass black walnut door without
thinking how much good coffin lum-
ber was recklessly wasted. The toll
ing bell is music to you, and the City
Hall flag at half-mast is fat on your
ribs. We'd like to oblige you, but you
| see how it is."
eyes, I see," he sighed, and he
formed in procession and moved down
stairs, looking around now and then
to see if the hearse was just thirty-four
| feet behind the officiating clerpyman,s