The Van Buren press., 1875-02-09
The Man who Swore OF.

three or tour ",nips per oaV, iot t"e '"s'
fifteen years, but on New Years morn
ing he arose and said to his wife;
MARY Jane Sinner, here I've been
squandering dollar per week for more
than dozen years y
but l thought you said glass. now
and then aided your Digestion she re
piled. 49,,
"All fudge and nonsense' he contin-
ned: "that was only an excuse TO satisfy
INV own conscience.
"And I've heard you say that it made
YOU sleep better-hslped YOU to have
clear head" she said
Nopsense-wurse kind Of bosh I've
drank up $500 in the last dozen years,
and it hasn't benefited me ole cent.
"Well?"
well, I'm going to quit. m gong,
to commence now. NO more or'hNS i"'
Sinner after this"
"Geod boy. noble husband " she said
patting him on the chin; "now you be-
gin to talk like Roman-now you are
going to test yonr stamina"
SLiner felt putfed up With pride for an
hour or two, and then he began to feel a
yoneness down his throat. lie drank
water, cold coffee and milk, aud got
through with the day although when he
went to bed, he dreamed that he was a
flask Of brandy, and that a member of
Congress was carrying him in his coat
all pocket, At midnight he awoke with
his thumb in his mouth, just on the point
OF taking a ten cent drink, and at day
light he inquired of his wife whether it
was the year 1875 or 1876.
That morning, while he sat in his OF
fee, a meek. looking stranger entered
took paper from his pocket. and said
he was soliciting aid for the Kansas
grasshopper sufferers.
Grasshoppers, be hanged Y exclaim
cd Sinner. - The next fraud who comes
in here will get his neck broken J!
His chief clerk spoke to him about or
tlering some goods, and he whlrled
round, and said he would not order an
other dellars worth of goods in ten
years. A young man called to secure
place, and Sinner threw the coal stove
shaker and hit him on the ear.
When be went to dinner he aattered
himself little that he had succeeded in
eurbing his inclination to drink, and she
pstted him on the shoulder and whis
pered:
"Samuel. you have more stamina than
the Gar of Russia"
Going down town again he entered u
saloon, and. with puzzled face, asked
the saloon keeper if he honestly thought
Al. IL. . Of hron do
affect the. health. The saloon keeper was
sure it wouldn't The bottles looked
good to Sinner, and there was pleasant
smell as he leaned over the bar,
When he reached his office he kicked a
chair over, hoisted the spittoon across
the room, and sat down and dated a let
ter 1877. A lady called to have him sub
scribe something for new Sunday school
and he brislled up and yelled:
"No, s,r--not a red Sunday schools
are killing the business interests Of this
,ountryr'
After about an hour he went out, and
asked q doctor if three drinks Of gin per
day would hurt any one. The doctor
thought not, il they were light drinks
iRetsrning to the office Sinner hunted up
an old brandy bottle, and sat and held it
"a long time and wondered how they were
made, and then threw it into a coal-box.
and went out on the street, and asked n
life insurance agent if two or three
drinksaa day would hurt a man. Ofcoursc
they wouldn't, replied the agent Going
home no supper Sinner, asked three more
'Elen. and they all replied no When he
,reschetl home he said tho biscuits wcren't
fit for eannbals, gave the girl warning to
ueaye, and called his wifes brother, who
was there ,on visit, hump backed, will,
ful liar.
When Sinner went down to town in
the evening he asked three more doctors
II little brandy was hur,lul. Then he
went into saloon and asked for some
pop. He was good while drinking it,
and then he asked to look at the label on
thei brandy bottle. When he lad read it
mad locke to see if the cork was in very
tight, and he asked the saloon keeper, if
lie thought brandy would hurt any one.
When Sinner reached homet that night
he threw his wallet at his wife, told the
hired girl she might stay five thousand
years, begged his wife's brothers pardon,
and as he turned hand spring in the
parlor, he broke out with:
$50. farewell, Mary Ann,