The Ottawa free trader., 1875-08-28


Union Square Theatrical company, as "a liar, a
dead beat, and a scoundrel," and warns the press
not to be deceived by his lying tongue As
several other papers have spoken in nearly
equally unpleasant terms Of the individual, the
Union Square company will probably Suiler
somewhat from his connection with It,.
The indianapolis Jomwoisays that skunk has
taken possession Of quarters in the shelOyYiIie
postoGice, and the inhabitants are very anxious
for his removal. II all the skunks now occupy
ing postofices are to be instantly removed, Pres.
ident Grant will have large batch OF vacancies
to fill very shortly.
An eastern paper says that ian astonshed
Chicago alderman has received letter from a
constituent, beginning Dear and honest sir,
Tae letter was immediately returned TO the
postofllce, indorsed "Opeucd by mistake by
AID"
4 Cincinnati excursion was broken up and in
definitely postponed by the instructions giving
in writing to the ticket agent. "Scll no tickets
10 id fools was the brief sentence, ana he
rejected all applications on general principles
Detroit .TclrS.
Hucklcbcrry pie is leaving is monogram on
the average American chop.
Business is improving. Only thirty men
watched a merchant hoeng out his gutter this
morning.
People who carry chewing gum and postage
stamps loose in their pockets do not complain
Of lack Of business.
Ghc man who hits the top Of his head agains
a beam In this hot, sticky weather deserves the
sympathy Of every wel-disposed citizen.
II you want to place woman on the very
apex of the pinnacle Of delight, try one of her.
biscuit, and then ask her what baker see bought
them Of.
Don't make your boy dress up in the summer.
Loaded with clothing he is generally the last Of
a swimming party to get into the water. You
should encourage, not smother, his ambition.
This Is the modest postscript to letter from
Fort Garry; "TAe weather is so cold up here
that young man of industrious habits requires
sixty cords Of hard wood for courting Red
River girl, during the month Of January. The
stoves are fourteen feet long and nine high. The
wood is put in with Orsons patent household
hosting machine,
\ Danbury couple have nice little daughter
Of some five summers. \ lady visitor observed
to the mother
What pretty child you have; she must be
great comfort to yau.'
She is indeed said the fond mother. When
Tm mad at John, don't have 10 speak to him.
She calls him to his meals and tells him TO get
up the coal, and ether things that want. She's
real handy.
\ meek-looking stranger was sitting on the
station platform, reading anewspaper last even
ing when he suddenly let it fall form his hands,
and burst into tears
"What is your grief, my dear srs' hastily
asked an astonlshed and sympathetic bystandey.
The afflicted man looked up, with eyes stream
ing Stranger he gasped, " do YOU know that
there laint single ex-president allyey' and
again he bowed his head and wept.
1t is evident that when Music, Heavenly Maid,
was young, she did not live in the country.
By paradox-more correctly, however, by
pair o. hsnds a lawn mower IIIahrs a lawn less.
II is summer wonder 10 city boy that
farmer should call grlndstone "-rIns:uu,"
and a coat Jacket"
The intelligent sign painter lives in Washing
ton. One Of his most ornate signs reads; I'VE
will please you try us
There are men who never speak to each other
in the street till they collide in a crowd, and then
they say, Hullon
1t is the men who occupy front seats on the
doOr-steps Of country groceries who talk most
about the worlds cold charity
Washington girls who earn seyenty-dye and
eighty dollars per month talk at the breakfast,
dinner and supper about "the oppressed sex"
In the absence Of snufTers, the stoppe Of the
only girvs cologne bottle, and match, can be
made to answer the purpose Of trimming the
candle in the country house without cntailing
upon your thumb and foretinger the soilure
which the man Of the house gathers by the sim
pie use Of his own digits, every evening