The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1875-06-15

IT'S JOHuI hlkutu tllc pIASO"SA'
"John what|
"Let go as John" drawled the solemn
man.
"You seem solemn" continued thu
court; "are you ill?'
"Not that | knows OF"
3" Are you in trouble"
."Kinder, and kinder not"
swell, how under the sun solemn old
fowl like you got on drunk is more than
can imagine. Do you have sprees very
oiteng7
Sometimes oiten-sometimes not"
"Have you any money!
mot any, except jack-kniie."
"Have you any work|
mot any that | know Of"
"Ithink | know what ais you. think
you ought to be blown up with nitro-Glyc'
crime about fifteen times to wake you up
and then you ought to be tied behind a loco
motive and given race to Chicago. II
looks to nc ike case Of constitutional
laziness. You are like an old paint keg
thrown into an alley, or an old hat on the
telegraph wire"
"Ho:hum," yawned the prisoner, Gle
waiting his arms far above his head.
"I'Il ho.hum You for three months, and
II they don't make you step high and get
around lively I'll miss my guess"
WAS.
any husband is sick, you know" said
Mary Shaw, as she came out,
ole is, eh%
"Yes, on his dying bed. Last night after
the doctor went away he took me by the
hand, and says he: Mary, Ihavn't over
ono day more to live He may be dead
by this time"
Mary" said his Honor, lifting up his
spectaclGs, "this Is the season Of the year
for greens, isn't it%
Yes, your Honor"
"Well, look ut me, Mary, and see ii
there is anything cow-slippy or horse
radishy about me"
"NO, your Honor"
"And yet you expected NE to believe
that story, Mary. I've sent you to the
House OF Correction three times during
the last year: know that you are sim
gle woman, and 1t griGves me to hear you
20 on with such yarn. Don't you know,
Mary, that truth Is mighty, and must pre-
vailW
She hung her head.
at is, woman. FalsehOOd is darkness,
but truth shines through It like silver
ten cent piece sticking out Of sand bank.
Tho charge Is drunkenness, and ] really
wish you would come right out and tell
me the truth"
al will, sir! | wasn't drunkw
"Great alligaters! but here's four wit
nesses p
81 didn't bring EN- here"
"No; the officer did, and all OF them
saw you drunk"
Judge, will you believe them aforo
you will me2"
81 will"
"And you'll scndme np%
wwill."
"Can it be possible, JudgeT
at can and It Is. make it three
months. This will take in the circus
season. Fourth Of July and the steamboat
excursions, aud all the strawberries and
cream you get this year won't affect your
health"
"Jndgc, you deserve to he murdered for
this y
"Can'thClp that Go in and sit down."
NATURAL ELoQrENCE
"An' 30 dey say was drunk do dCy?
replied the next prisoner, rs the charge
was read. "Well; call up de accuscr."
The officer said he found Henry Clay
lying fat in the road, so drunk that he
couldn't open his eyes, and he had to hire
dray to bring him down.
"Can YOU throw snuff on that plain
statement| inquired his Honor.
The prisoner removed his coat, hung II
over chair, pushed up his sleeves and
replied;
ado you say | was drnnk%
eyes sir" replied the officer.
allow do you know | was |"
al saw you"
GLOW do you know YOU saw mc2
"Oh, that won't do" put in his Honor
and the prisoner continued
"WelG, dis witness kin sit down. lie
saws was drunk. lie comes up heah an
solemnIy swcars dat | was drunk. Whars
do proof? how does dis witness know
dat wasn't aslcGp2 How does he know
dat I wasn't In fit? How does he know
dat wasn't lifcless2 Derc isn't de fuss
partikel Of evidence dat | wasn't dead, in.
stead Of drunk. Whars dc drnymanT
Whar's dc dray? Whar's dc coroborashuh
evidence ?"
"Is that alp asked his Honor.
"Isn't dat huff sah2"
"Yes its enough 10 send you up for
three months, and when you come ont
hope you'll behave yourself"
PRoMPTNEss AND DISPATCH.
"My name It's
JoScphus Orange Blossom"
Sang sailor ns he danced ont.
"Wcll Mr.. Orange. Blossomyon are eIe.
waited for sixty days" replied his Honor
100 away Trouble
Life Is bui bubble"
Sang the sailor as he danced back.
AN OLD SETTLER.
am an old settler here, and I'm sorry,
said the next prisoner, man nearly sixty
years Of age.
What did you take ?" asked the court
Whiskey straight" :,
"Don't come here again, old man. II
old men like YOU and go on spree what
can be expected Of the younger ones I've
lived in this world full half century, and
I've found that there's nothing like cold
water for n steady drink. You can go
Biiah will hunt your missing coat tail and
hat, and ia all right II you don't come
again"
lie was the last, and rs got ont doors
the boys presented him with bean shoot
er and sang:
lII hair IL white, his limbs are weak,
Ills RgO Is slXty.elght
And when he calls for lemonade
Ito wants whlSkey straight.
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