The true northerner., 1875-08-13
Wit and IIumOr.

VII anu ItuiiUis
THE mosquitoes prefer open bars.
ANCIENT Grangers-The Mower-bites
and Scythe -ians.
WHEN is a glass of grog like locono-
tive? When it's n steamln' gln.
ANNOUNCEMENT of the death OF dog
by n marine reporter-Another bark lost
"THosE spirits materialize best, said
Guzzlem, (which have peen cauBiit ana
bottled.
"WHAr comes after T2" asked a
teacher of small pupil who was learn
ing the alphabet. He received the be
witching reply, You do-to see
Liza.
4 YOUNG man in Lancaster sent dol
lar to a firm in New York who adv rtised
a receipt to prevent bad dreams. lie
received a small slip of paper, on which
was printed, Don't go TO sleep.
" REv1vAL1srs, indeed" said Mrs.
Partington, "I amt got no patients
with such folks. | made my dear 7.
promise faithful that if / proceeded him
to my grave he never would take
another"
LADY visitor (to small boy)-So your
eldest brothers name is Mazimilian.
What do You call him2 Boy-Maxey,
mum. Visitor--And the baby-what's
her name2 Boy-Minnie, mum. Wis
itor-And which are twinsi Boy-Jem
an !, of course. FIN.
UpoN being promised a penny by hIs
mother if he would take a dose OF castor
oil, bad little boy obtained the money,
and then told his parent that she might
"cast her oil" into the street. Tie viii
make a humorous newspaper para
graphist one OF these days.
A ooCKNEY tourist met Scotch lassie
going barefoot toward Glasgow.
"Lassie," said he, 81 should like to
know ii all the people in these parts go
barefoot" d" Part of 'em do, and the
! rest of em mind their own business,
was the rather settling reply.
"JEssrr, what was Joe's arm doing
round your waist when you were at the
front gate last nightl" asked preco-
cious boy OF his sister. "His arm
wasn't round my waist won belt
from him, and he WAS taking my mea-
sure" replied the indignant young lady.
He was lately asked by friend, his
reasons for spending his bright morning
hours in bed. Well" said the slug
/ gish gentleman, "you know the old pro-
verb 'The early bird catches the
worm p" Yes :" replied his friend.
"Well, don't want the worm l had
one once.
Two oouSTRYMEN went into a hatter's
to buy one OF them hat. They were
delighted with a sample, inside the crown
of which was inserted a looking-glass.
"What is the glass forf" said one of the
men. The other, impatient at such a
display of rural ignorance, exclaimed,
"What for Why, for the man who
buys the hat to see how it fits him !"
A DErRorTER was called as a witness III
case before one of the Justices yesterday,
and when the oath was administered he
raised both hands and said 81 shall
spoke holdings what amt drew if |
never hope to die so quick as a minute y
lie was 50 anu blluI lllC
lawyers let him alone.-DstrO6 Free
Press.
sERENADE.
sang my love: 'Come down, come down
And sail the crinkled river'
She sent TO 1ne a skreezy frown
That put me in quiycr.
swirled and screeled "Oh. pray my love,
Come sail the scroonchy water!"
She nightered wildly. like dove,
And in my boat l caught her.
YESTERDAY morning a long haired
thiclly-bearded stranger entered a Girls
wold street barber shop, and in response
to the inquiry if he would like to be
shaved he replied: Eyes, sir, you mis-
cradle, contemplate, skul1ing highway
pirate, 1 would" He removed his hat,
drew a navy revolver, cooked it, and sit
ting down in chair with the revolver in
his hand, he continued "Now, go
aheadl If you ask me to have my hair
cut, or say that have dandruff, or cut
my chin, or ask me to buy your hair
restorer, I'll shoot you dead i'll your
tracks - That barber didn't say one
word while shaving that man.-DetroH