The weekly clarion. [volume] (Jackson, Miss.) 1863-1882, 1875-08-25
JOBS COMFORTER.


: I've had a boil, got it vet in fac
though it's Just busted-a regular, old
: flashed Is karat bile" Well, while Nv
had it have kept clean record of a
the boil cures that have been urge
: upon me, and the publication thereof
hope will result in the early cure of al
the bOils in this part OF the universe.
My boil came the first Of the month
on my hip, and the first man who say
my limp said: Hello. corns hurt We /?
| said, ''No, I've got boil
Don't say; well, now, see here, yol
go right home and get some of Daily
ointment, and buy five cents worth OF
lint and put it on your boil and it will b,
well in twenty-four hours"
| thanked him, got in a horse car anC
met another friend, who urged me by al
means to make a bread and milk poul
tice and lay perfectly quiet till it came
to head, for, says he.
"Blles are sore things and they don't
like to be damned around much"
l thought so too. but before / had time
to say so another friend reached over and
/ touched me with his cane, and said:
odd | hear you remark that you
were suffering with boil?'
L said, ~ es sir, suffering is the word. -
/ ''Well, now, see here, John" said he,
call you've got to 30 is just to live it
down. Live we'll, eat plenty of beef
steaks, mutton chops, eggs and omelets,
and then if you will drink glass of hot
water before breakfast-not warm water,
you know, but just as hot as you can
stand it, you will drive all the impurities
out of your blood instanter"
/ had no doubt of that, especially if
the water was hot enough, and | drank a
good big kettle full of it.
Reaching my place of business | found
three boil cures awaiting me the first
man said:
Now you just give me quarter and
III just slip out to drug store and get a
box of mercurial ointment, and it'll ease
you in less than three minutes. You see
it drives the matter back into the blood,
and the blamed thing has to heal up in
spite of itself.
But while was taking out the quarter
another friend stepped up and begged
me not to waste time or money on mer-
curial ointment. He had had bOis from
boy up to two years ago, when an old
woman on Long Island-a friend of
his mother-in-law-had cured him com
pletely.
"The matter" he continued, "mustn't
be driven back into the blood but if it
wasn't coaxed out Of it, there was no GER
tainty about the thing; and now if you
will just let your boy go down to a to-
tanic drug store and ask for ten cents
worth of red cedar berries, and stew
them in pint of water, and drink the
tea, you will never have another boil"
The next man was a woman who had
listened to the last two prescriptions. and
she put in her oar. Her husband had had
boils all over his body, and what she knew
about the boil business was only equalled
by the late H. q. in the farm line.
There was only one sure cure for boils:
Get few cents worth of honey and mix
it with -four and the yolk of an egg, and
it would draw boil to head quicker
than all the salves in creation.
Ny boy, was standing, hat in hand,
waiting patiently to be sent for one of
these lotions, when Wall street friend
stepped up and said:
Why, can cure you of dozen boils
in less than two days, any time; at least
| can any one in the street. You see,
we use Bears grease on the Bulls and
the gall Of Bulls to poultce the Bears
with. Jay Gould buys all the dead
bears at the Central Park and Barums
Museum, and keeps ten men constantly
at work boiling out Bears grease, and he
Il, l. Il
before the owners know it, and he knew
men who contracted for all the bulls
gals that came to Washington market"
l said: my Christian friend, my boil
is too serious a matter to joke about, and
it's not your kind" and | was about to
administer some needed advice to him
when an Irish tailor, next door, dropped
in and urged me to send out and get
little shoemaker's wax, and wear it on my
boil just one day, and he would guarantee
a cure or make no charge for his advice.
| sent my boy back with his hat, and,
siezing my own, | started for home,
hoping thereby to get rid of my torment
ors, who were as much worse than my
boil as the boil was worse than life IN
surance agent But a man might as
well expect to shake off a chill as to free
himself from boil doctors; for, before |
reached home, met an old friend who,
after sympathising with me, informed
me that if would just mix tablespoon
full of .Iniun' meal in little water and
drink it three times a week, it would
eradicate all the effiuvia from the blood
and make me feel like morning star.
On reaching home | found Spiritual
istic acquaintance, who has mission,
waiting for me, to talk over his paper,
which he has been starting for the last
twenty years, and which, if he only had
two hundred and fifty dollars to begin
with, he can demonstrate to any one who
is not an ass, it would root out the Tri-
bune, Times and World completely, and
gobble up so much of the Herald's adj
vertising that that paper would have all
its editors living on bread and water,
while his Encyclopedia, printed on paper
materialized by the Eddy Brothers, cost
ing nothing but freight frcm Vermont,
and time soon coming when materialiZed
expressmen would save even that ex-
penses and the paper under his direction
would have news in it; none of the I'M
scientific science of the Tribune, or the
swash of the Times and World; and so
great would be the rush for it that there
would be no way under heaven for its
dissemination unless the Kelley motor
should come along just in time to trans
port it to the breakfast tables of the
grasshopper regions, and the millions
waiting for it elsewhere.
| suggested that he ought to get the
Eddy Brothers at once in communica-
ton with old Adams, the expressman,
who in ten DAYS time ought to organize a
Ghost Express Company, which would
without wear and tear transport the En-
cycloperean To all parts of the universe