Saint Mary's beacon. [volume] (Leonard Town, Md.) 1867-1983, 1875-03-25
In this matter-should be inserted in
the marriage service.

A COFFIN DEALER WHO WANTED A
NoTIcx.-Tve taken your paper for
twenty-six years, he commenced, as be
reached the head of the stairs, and now
I want puff
He was q short, elderly man, had
. face which hadn't smiled since lS42,
nnd his neck was embyaced by white
'cravat and his hands were thrust into
black gloves.
I've got a new hearse, a new stock
Of coffns, and want . local notice.
he continued, as he sat down and
sighed, as if ready to screw q coffin lid
down.
Ny dear sir replied the man in the
corner, I've met you at \ great many
funerals, and your general bearing has
created favorable impression. You
sigh with the sighers, grieve with the
grievers, and on extra occasion you can
shed tears of sorrow, even though you
know that you can't get ten per cent.
of your bill under six months
Yes, sighed the undertaken, ins:inc-
lively measuring the length of the ia
bic with his eye, and wondering to him.
self why editors tables weren't covered
with Grape, with rows of coffin nails
around the edges.
Death is very solemn continued the
man in the corner; but still it is an oc-
casion when one can appreciate neat
thing. I've seen you rub your knuckles
against door posts and never change
countenance; I've seen you listen to eu-
logies on men who owed you for twen-
ty years before their death, and you
looked even more solemn than the be-
reaved widow; I've seen you back your
hearse up to q door III such an easy,
quiet way that it robbed death of half
its terrofs. All this have seen and ap-
preciated, but l couldn't write q puff
for you.'
why not 2 he demanded.
For many reasons. Now you have
new hearse. Could I go on and say {:
'Mr. Sackcloth, the genial undertaken,
has just received fine new hearse, and
we hope that our citizens will endeavor
to bestow upon it the patronage such
enterprise deserves. 1t rides easy, is
handsomely finished, and those who
try it once will want no other Could
J. saw that p -
: NO, not very well
OF course couldn't. You can call
a grocer or dry goods man q genial
friend and it's all right, but you aren't
genial-you can't be. It's your busi-
ness to be solemn. If you could be
even more solemn than you are it
would be money in Your pocket
That's so,' lie said, signing heavi-
E.
IF il was an omnibus, or coal cart,
or wheelbarrow, I could go on and
write chapter on every separate spoke,
but it isn't you see.'
He leaned back and sighed again.
And as to your collins, they are
doubtless nice cotfins, and Your prices
are probably reasonable, but could /
go on and say Mr.. Sackcloth, the
undertaken, has just received his new
styles in spring collins, all sizes, and is
now prepared to see as many of his old
customers as want something handsome
and durable at moderate price,
Could say that!'
Another sigh.
4 couldn't say that you were holding
a clearing-out sale, in order to get ready
for the spring trade, or that, for the
sake of increasing your patronage you
had decided to present each customer
with chrome. I couldn't say that
you were repairing and repainting, ard
had the most attractive of coffin shops.
1t wouldn't do to hope that peo-
pie would patronize you, or to say
that all orders sent in by mail would
be promptly filed, and that your mot
to was Quick sales and small profits, = >
He put on the look Of tombstone,
and made no reply
You see, if you had stoves to sell. or
dealt in mackerel, or sold fishing tackle,
everything would be lovely. You are
an undertaker-solemn, sedate, mourn-
full. You revel in Grape. aud you never
pass black walnut door without think
ing how much good coffin lumber was
rccklessly wasted. The toliing bell is
music to you, and the National flag at
half mast is fat on your ribs. We'd
ike to oblige you, but you see how it
is
Yes, I see,' he said, and he formed
in procession and moved down stairs,
looking around now and then to see if
the hearse was just thirty-four feet be-
hind the officiating clergyman's car
riage.