davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24
The United States Navy.

From Admiral Porter s report 1t results that
as the United States is no longer maritime
nation in the commercial sense, so it is also no
longer a naval power in the military sense.
The naval register shows forty eight monitors,
and yet there is not one ship, iron-clad or
otherwise, that would be of the slightest value
in naval combat with any capable enemy.
Out Of tho forty eight monitors thus recorded
only six are fit for service Of any sort, and their
armor would be, before modern artillery,
scarcely more effective for resistance than the
veneering on an old chest of drawers. Not
only are the monitors useless for close combat
at sea or elsewhere, but our wooden ships ara
also useless as cruisers from their want of
speed. The Admiral says: " If called upon at
this timo to command the fleets of the United
States in case Of hostiilieS-a position which
is my ambition and nay right should be put
to my wits END to succeed with such an incon-
gruous set of vessels as we now possess Pru-
dence would probably recommend that they be
shut up in port, and no fleet operations attsmp-
ted with them, sending the wooden vessels
abroad singly to DO all the damage possible un-
til captured by the enemy, our ffty-gun fri
gates perchance succumbing to a two-gun clip
per armed with ten-inch rifles, and our smaller
cruisers driven off by merchant vessels carry
ing rifle guns of lesser calibre.
OF all the wooden naval constructions of the
war only three are left available, the balancs
are deeayed and laid up, iucumbering the
yards and only fit to be broken up or sold out
of service. OF the ferth-eight iron clads
thirty-one can be of no use except to sink q:
harbor distractions. Out Of the ninety nine
wooden vessels on the navy list only thiIty-one
can properly be called vessels of-war, and moi
one of them can contend with foreign ships o.
equal size. OF the monitors, only the Dictator
has speed, aud she needs repairs. Vessels
built of the Connecticut and Congress class, il
well built, are commended as effective agains
an enemy s commerce.
OF the double turreted Monitors, the Monad
mock, MiantSGnomoh; Amphitrite, Roanoke an3
Terror-rsally valuable vessels-want thorough
repairs, entire new hulls of iron, and new en-
gines. They could not now 60 with safet!
from port to port, although intended for sea
going ships, and capable, when in order, 0
making long voyages.
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24

in that style? Do you think I'll endure it
Leave this room at once, sir, or I'll -" and
advanced threatingly toward him. My unsx-
pected attitude seemed to amuss him more
than anything else, but it sienced his suspi-
cions. He put his hands in his pockets and
delivered loud laugh in my face.
'Wal, wal, my bantum, ye needn't git 50
cantankerous. Who'd thought such little
breechss as you had such spunk Haw haw !
haw Why | could ehaw you up 'thout max
in two bites of ye."
mollifed, "either sit down and hold your
tongue, or else leave the office" And he good
naturedly complied.
Once more We were sitting listening to the
ticking of the clock as the minutes dragged
their slow length along. Would help never
come? Three minutes more. Great Heavens
The suspense was becoming intolerable.
must go to the stair and listen if | died for it,
l arose and took step toward the door, but q
voice stopped me.
"Hold - shouted Lynch, standing upright
all his suspicious aroused once more 'yel
cant go out of thet door afore me. Come back
here T.
"Sirr
Come back here, or by the Eternal =
and the pistol muzzle looked me in the face
He stood now half turned from the door and
was facing it. Slowly without particle o
noise | saw the knob turn and face under
blue cap peep in. Thank God Help haC
come | felt joy uncomfortable come Owe
me. must keep the murderer's attention al
instant longer till some one could spring upol
him from behind. | walked straight up Il
him, but his quick ear had caught a move
ment behind. AS he turned with an oath
sprang upon him, and bore down his arm JUS
as the revolver went off, the ball burying itSel
hsrmlessly in the floor. Before he could fire.
himself from my grasp, half dozen officer
were upon him and he was quickly secured.
The next morning the papers were file
with glowing accounts of the capture of tn
murderer, and praises of my conduct. Tn
/ principal business men of the town made up
purse of five hundred dollars and presented
to me and this, with the reward that was pal
me the following week, enabled me to get mai
ried at Christmas. But shudder at the re
membrance Of that half hour, spent alon
with Tim Lynch and 1 don't think one thou
sand dollars would tempt me to 60 through
again.
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24
Confagrations on the Stage.
HOW THEY ARE PRODUCED.

CONGREGATIONS on the stage are easily and
safely managed l have seen many pieces in
which terrific fires were stimulated, from "The
Madonna Of the Rose" in Paris, to 1.-The
Streets of New York in this city, but never
knew nor heard of any accident from this cause.
In the frst-named piece the fire took place in
the grand hall of q ducal palace, Of severe but
rich architecture, in image OF ebony. The con
hagration broke out with terrible energy, smoke
poured forth from doors and windows, the eOr.
nices cracked and fell down, the ceiling came
tumbling upon the stage in burning mass,
and every object the eye behsld seemed to he
slowly consumed. Through the ruined walls,
which remained standing at the back, the spec
tator now saw second immense saloon, ap-
parently full OF flames and smoke. The SER
wants of the castle ran wildly about, seeking to
escape. The leading actor, carrying his wife
in his arms, slid down a spiral, burning stair
case, while the flames burst through the balus-
trades. Those who have seen a stage conha-
grafton will probably think this statement
somewhat exaggerated; but 1t is not. AT the
first representation of the piece large number
of the audience lett the theatre in great alarm,
believing that the place had really taken fire.
/ This scene was, of course, constructed in a Pc
! culiar manner. The frames OF the fats and set
pieces were made of two layers Of wood held
| lightly together by means OF cords passing
through holes. At the pre- arranged moment
certain parts OF the frame were jerked down,
leaving exposed the other parts, seemingly
burning-an effect produced by small gasjsts,
carefully arranged In rows around the edges Of
the frame. Behind the heaviest set-piecs at
the back was a transparent curtain, painted
with fiercesI flames, which, being lit up from
behind, glowsd through the smoke in a mos
lurid manner Drummond lights and Benga
fires were turned on the stage in prOtusion
producing gIaring cross lights. Pots full of ly
copodium were placed over furnaces, to which
were attached huge, blacksmiths' bellows
worked by assiduous mschinists with such viKo
that the flames were at frequent intervals pro
iected five or six yards high, whore they caugh
at nothing. Vast tunnels overhead threw Ou
, torrents of black smoke, mixed with innocOn
sparks, which went out as soon as they tool
wing. Several machiniSts, costumed accordin
, to the epoch represented, perscnated the fright
ened servants running about and trying to es
r cape-only they were actually throwing NOR
of the innocent but fiery looking sparks abou
, in pre-arranged spots, and thus keeping thing
Z as hot as possible in appearance. And, finally
helmeted fremsn, with hose in hand, stood q
t the back of the stage, ready to instantly extir
t guish any spark of real fre.-HGrpers MGQC
ztne.
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24

BOYS IN BED.-Whoever has lifted the cur
tains of boy alcoves, soon after their inmates
have gone to bed, and has looked lOveingly in,
has seldom seen prettier sight? Generally
their faces are laying most restfully, with hands
under cheek, and in many cases they look
strangely younger than when they awake, and
often very inantile, as if some trick of older ex-
preston, which they had been taught to wear
by day, had been dropped the moment the
young ambitious will had lost control. The
lids lie shut over bright, busy eyes; the air is
gently famed by coming and going brsaths
there is little crooked mound in the bed along
the beds foot or on a chair beside, are the day
clothes, sometimes neatly folded, sometimes
huddled off in hurry, bulging with walls, or
in the lesser fellow marbles stained with the
earth Of many fields where woodchuck have
been trapped, or perhaps tern with the rough
ness Of trees on which squirrels have been
sought, perhaps wet and mired with the
smooth, black or gray mud from marshes, OIL
the oozy banks of streams where muskrat.
have been tracked Under the beds foet lie
the shoes-one ON its side-With the gray and
white socks, now creased and soiled, thrown
across them and there, in the little cells
squared in tho great mass of night, needless
how the earth whirls away with them or how
the world goes, who is thinking of them OF
what is doing at home, the busiest people il
the world are resting for the morrow.
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24

TRUST HER.-Confdepce is everything
between husband and wife and woman who
loves, desires above ell things to be trusted.
She would not be glad when he is sad. She
would not be ignorant of his troubles or his
anxieties Anything is better to her than to
be shut out from the innermost Of the life OF
one who should be all hers as sLe is all his.
Women generally are averse to keeping things
to themselves, and a husband is often over
dossd with confidence ; but many really affec-
tionate men lead, as far as their wives are con.
cerned, double lite. OF that which is moi
domestic they think it right to say nothing
Some grievous troubles may be upon them
dread Of failure, certainty of loss, rumors o
some mistake which has plunged them into
anxiety and they make no sign of it save by
| change of manner which to the women wh(
are ignorant that they have any cares, is in
comprehensive.
The wife would gladly be sympathetic, bu
when frowning brow, silence, and the lack o
usual caresses, are all the tokens that she ha
of her liege lords trouble, all her bOastst
intuition cannot keep her from flying to th
conclusion, that it is a personal matter-tha
she is no longer loved or that he loves som
one else. And believe much domestic miser
has been caused in the first place by the man
secrctiveness when he had no secrets whic
might not have been shared by his wife.
You may say, why should he talk to on
who cannot understand or give counsel, to
being with such vague ideas of stocks, an
banking, and speculation, and she can onl
wonder why things have gone wrong? Wei
/ there are many reasons the woman who hold
him dear will give him more sympathy tha
any other living being, for ono thing; and b
: needs sympathy, whether he knows it or no
I And then she has her rights, for she is
partner in a firm of two, and the books shou
not be closed to her. She is mate of the vess
o in which he is captain, and surely should kno
what shoals are near and, moreover, if "
d love her. you do not want to make her mis-
} rabls. Trust her.-Mary Kyle Dallas.
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24
WHOLE NO. 1895

USE NO STOVE DAMPERs These nuisancss
are now quite common, and because they Save
wood, and thereby save money they are popu,
lar BY shutting off the upward draft they
throw back into the room all the poisonous gas
generated by the combustion of fuel and ara
therefore very destructive to health. 1t is a
subject of common remark that an open Ere
place ls more healthy than stove, and it is
largely owing to the better circulation of air
through the open upward draft Now it is
true that wood might bs saved in fire. place
by covering up the top of the chimney; but we
should not wish to live in the house. And
that is exactly the principle on which wood is
saved by means of dampers in stove pipes
Fire may be easily checked by shutting off the
supply OF air in front, and this is the only safe
method Of checking it in stove If all the
ar could be shnt off from the fro in front, it
would 90 out as quickly as if it were immersed
IN water. Thus it may be seon that fire may
be we'll controlled if the stove is tolerably tight
in front when closed up. All who do not wish
to commit suicide nor to undermine the health
OF the family will do we'll to discard stoye-pipe
dampcrs.-La'cs Of Lie.
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24

BOREs.-There is probably no one who could
not tell you volumes of experiences and suffer
mgs from the psrsistency of bores, although
evsry one idea of them varies The man who
replied, when asked what bore was, :" A fel-
low who talks about himself when you want to
talk about yourself, made the most comprs-
hensiye classification of the kind yet imagined,
and they all, with slight variations, come under
themselves it is about some hobby of thsir own
that they hold forth. There is the scientific
bore; :" On man and his functions he talks
with smile" l never meet one of these that
do not remember the snub administered to
person of this description by one of the most
prominent and wittiest of New York diners-out.
The bore, having button holed him, was pour
ing forth his theories and ended with the as
seItion that the oyster was the equal of man.
hold, said Mr.. B, that it is the su-
pellor, for an oyster sometimes shuts up"
with which oxtinguisher he gently disengagsd
himself from the clutches of his adversary.
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24

How TO WIN A WOMANs Affections
One who professos to understand this difficult
matter says: Don't talk about going to
work to win woman S affections; it can't be
done in that way. The more you 60 to work
the mere she won't like you. Push her into
duck pond, and pull her out by the hair. If
you arc afraid to do this, jump in yourself and
let her pull you out. Lend her money bor-
row some from her. Make her believe that
she has deeply wronged you, and then forgive
her. Deeply wrong her, and don't ask to be
forgiven. In short, contrive to place her under
aeting obligation to you, or to lay yourself
under lasting obligation to her. 1t does not
matter headless pin which, SO far as the re-
suit is concerned.
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24
POetTY.
THE OLD FARM HOUSE.

At the foot Of hill. near the old red Hill,
In quiet, shady spot,
Just peeping through, half-hid from view,
Stands g little, moss-grown Get.
And strsyinE through at the open door.
Ths sunbsams play on the sanded 6ssr.
The easy-chair, all patched with care,
Is placed by the cid hesrth-stOns;
With witchlug grace, in the old fireplace,
The eVsrsrsens are strswn.
And pictures hang on the whitened wall,
And the cid clock ticks in the cottage hall
More lovely STILL on the window-sin,
The dsw-eysd flowers rest,
While midst the leaves on the grsss-grown caves
the martin builds her nest.
Aud all day long the summer breeze
Is whispering love to the bsnded trees.
Over the door. all covered DER
With a sack Of dark green baize,
Lies musket old, whose worth Ia told
In the events Of other days;
AAd the powder flask and the hunters horn,
Have hung beside it for many morn.
For years have fed, with noiseless tread,
Like fairy dreams away.
And left in their flight, all shern Of his might,
father-old and gray;
And the soft wind plays with his snow-whits hair.
And the old man sleeps in his sasy chair.
Inside the door. ON the sanded leor.
Light, airy footsteps glide,
And maiden fair. with Aaxen hair,
Kness by the old mans side
An old oak wrecked by the angry storm,
While the ivy cling TO its trembling form.
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24

DON'T MARRY HM.-An American lady
says, don't marry man who wears an eye
glass, or tight boots with high heels who eurls
his hair or moustache, who puts scent in his
whiskers, or who bleaches his sye.lids, who
wears four button gloves, takes six and three.
quarters, and tells you So who, if he is dark,
wears a red cravat-if he be fair, sky-bIus
one-there is no surer indication of q man 8
that frst-whO has onamelled visiting cards
and a brilliant monogram, and who ALWAYS
wears a rosebud in his button-hole. DOM
marry a man who keeps bulldogs; he is sure
to be like them.
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24

GERANICMs WILL DRIVE OFF SNAKES
Every species OF snake may be permanently
driven away from an infested place by planting
geraniums. In South Africa the Cafir people
thus rid thsir premises of snakes. A mission
ary Of South Africa who had his parsonage
surrounded by narrow belt of geraniums, ef-
fectually protected the residence from any kind
OF snake. a few yards away from this geran-
um belt a snake would occasionlv be found.
1t is well-known that the whole geranium
genius is highly redolent of volatile oils, lemon
scented, musk scented and pepperminted,
scented. What therefore is a very nosegay
for nan is rspugnant to the serpent tribe
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24
A Cheap Wife.

The Chinese, when they move from one part
of the country to another, do not take their
wives with them. If they can afford it, they
procure others at the places to which they go.
As wives are bought in China, as well as in
some other parts Of the world, it is simply a
money question; and the cheapness of wife
is therefore an important consideration. as in
the following amusing account from the Temple
Bar:
"Some Chinese compensate themselves fol
shaving the head by allowing their nails tO
grow to terrible length. | noticed that Aa-
Sing was carefully preserving one, about an
inch and half long, on his little 6nger, which
did not need to be brought into play in his dai
y occupation. He seemed quite hattered that
had observed what he considered u persona
charm. He was emboldsned to place a littlt
confidence in me, and asked, with considerable
modesty, if | would advance him few dollar!
over and above what he was entitled to draw o.
his wages-that it would be great favor, anG
he should do his best to satisfy me, as he hoped
he had hitherto. The fact was he wished t
take a wife, and the money was to make W
her dover, which he had to pay to her parents
Why, thought you told me you were mar
risd, Aa-Sing?' said, in astonishment, 'anC
that your wife lived at Chaw LOn? That i
so he answered, simply but | have nov
an opportunity OF gettlng one eXcs0ulDgI
cheap; and such good chance might neve
occur again. Only forty dollars, madam! an,
she is everything that could be desired. ;
But, Au-Sing,' | argued, you do not want
wife just now. You will soon return to you
home again. He reiterated the temptation O
exceeding chsapness, like a woman who sees
great bargain she does not require. She is 5
cheap-so cheapp What will your first wifi
say p l persisted Hah-yah 7 he exclaimed
seizing upon this faint objection with avidity
and demolishing it at once; she will say it
very chc1pr | gave up the question, and Ii
him have the money"
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24

The bill for the extension of sewing machine
patents has been defeated. The Washington
Chronicle says:
''SenatOr Cameron stated tho whole case
when he said that all these sewing machine
patents were oppressive to tho POOR In fact,
it is about settled that the sewing machine
companies do not have any prospect of secur-
ing the extension of any of their patents or
the perpetuation of their oppressive monopoly.
The press of the country are united against
this wrong, and it will be difficult to find a
Congressman willing to defend it. The present
patents are controlled by three companies-the
Singer, the Wheeler & Wilson, and the Grover
& Baker-and they sold in the year 1872,
53S, 1864 sewing machines at an average price
of sos, which really cost only an average oi
$3.50 each, besides wrestling 1858, 70s
royalty from companies manufacturing ma
chimes, which enormous amounts the aborinl
people of the country, who are the principa
purchasers Of these machines, have had to pay
1t is time this wrong was ended, and machine
placed within the reach Of persons of moderat
means at fair prices. The machine now sol
! for $65 could be furnished for $l5 or $2O an
, then pay handsome profit to their manufaC
turers and retail Dealers
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24

Twas dark and dreary eve in Kentucky
A lady, young and beautiful, was observed to
walk gently out Of the parental mansion in q
small town. A youth to fortune and to fame
unknown waited at the gate. - Is it tbou2"
said Miranda?' 1t is, it is, said Fsrdi-
nand. Let US go before nay naughty sire dis
covers US" said she, and they had almost
reached the minister abode when the old gen
teman trotted up. He wasted no words. He
back to her chidhoOd's home, and new all the
people liz that small town grin when they see
that young man and condols with him upon
six (6) cups and saucers and fifty cents worth
OF sugar and coffee he had provided for house.
keeping
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24

STUDYING WITH AN OBJECT. This charac-
teristic illustration of the parrot.drill of public
schools is given by a writer in the Penn Month
y: 1t is said that a gentleman who fell in
with one of our sehool-bOys offered him quar-
ter if he would tell him the names of eli the
capitals in Europe. It was done, and quickly.
another quarter if you will tell me whether
they are animals or vegetables. Animals
was the ready and confident answer"
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24

Browsy Bunker of Carmel loafed around all
day trying to get the highest bid for his vote.
He wanted three dollars, but just as they were
about to compromise on two dollars and q half
the sun went down and the inspector declared
the polls closed. All he remarked was.
Great Caesar is it possible I'm not in time
to vote for the Constitutional Amendment
prohibiting bribery OF elections.
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24

Il seems to me have seen your physiog-
nomy somewhere BEFORE" said . New York
swell to stranger whom he met the other day,
but cannot imagine where" Every like.
ly, replied the other, / have been the keen.
er of prison for the last twenty years."
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24

An English clergyman had had the small
pox but was so as to be about" aud invited
friend to breakfast His friend caught the
maady and communicated it to his wife, who
died. Thereupon the friend sued the parson
for inviting him to breakfast, and recovered
damage in Ell and the amount of his wife 8 fu-
neral expenses.
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24

While on her way to leap into the river. a
minneapolis girl met man who proposed mar
rlags, and she turned back and was happv.-
Almost any day now one can count four or ,ivs
Minneapolis girls wandering along the river
banks. S A''SA
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24

A farmer sent an order to London trades.
man for clock. He said he should prefer one
made by Tempus Fugit, as all the best clocks
! in the nsighborhood had that nams on them.
Smyrna times., 1875-02-24

How unjust it is to accuse bald.hsaded mar
Of putting on false hairs.