Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1875-07-02
HUMOR

e. 81
HUMO
.'They tell a tough story about new
baggage man on one of our local trains,"
saws the Los Angeles STAR" He was told |
to pile up the trunks in the baggage car,
and be sure to hang the checks on the out
side. The literal minded youth piled up
the trunks, and then took off the checks,
with the leather straps attached, and hung
them upon the outside of the car. The
baggage master at the depot was driven
almost frantic by the passengers per the
Orisaba attempting to identify their boxes.
The unusual eloquence of a ministerial
orator at the Decoration Day exercises at
Oak Ridge Cemetery, Springfield, Ohio,
which excited much favorable comment
at the time of delivery, is now discov cred
to have been inspired by Edward Everett,
whose Grafton at the conservation of the
Gettysburg Cemetery, November 10, 1868,
was appropriated word for word.
A physician in a country town in Mas
sachusetts, who had been annoyed by nu-
merous questions concerning the condition
OF patient, was stopped while on his
busy rounds by man with the old ques-
ton, "How's M-?'' sick, !" replied the
physician. ''Does he keep his bed?" ''Of
course he does; you don't suppose he's fool
enough to sell his bed because he's sick,
do your"
A precious boy was asked which was the
greater evil of the two. hurting another's
feelings or his finger. He said the former.
fright, my dear child,' said the gratified
questioner, sand why is it worse to hurt
the feelingsY'' because you can't tie
rag around them," explained the dear
child. 1854 H tl4
The chrome business does not appear to
be confined to the newspapers alone, as it
is asserted that an enterprising young
clergyman in the West is presenting the
inducement of seyenty-iye cent chrome,
neatly framed, :" to every couple coming
70 him to be married.
Once in while we find man who pre-
fers city weekly to home paper because
..it's got more readin' in it." He is the
same chap who always buys the largest
pair of boots in the box; because they cost
no more than smaller pair which fit him
best.
The ridiculous female colored pusson
who remembers General Washington, tired
of the personal attention she is constantly
receiving, will only send to Centennial
tea,party, soon to be held in New Haven,
her autograph, written for her by the Gen
eral himself.
Homes remarks on the wonderful. pro-
visions Of nature. He says there is not
even left crevice under 4 flat rock With
out a thin black bug prepared by Proyi-
dence to fill it. It is the same way when
vacancies occur in official positions. ~.
o. Republican,.
Did it ever occur to you what the mean-
ing of "No cards. and ''No cake" APP
pended to marriage announcement
means? 1t is simply the exclamation OF
the editor thrown in, in a spitefnl way, to
show that he was not remembered.
When woman is care-laden and heavy
hearted, nothing shakes the megr inns out
of her quicker than for Il couple OF ladies
to stop ia front of the house long enough
for her to examine the trimmings on their
b0nnets.
A citizen of Arkansas, writes to us that
he recently saw a snake in the bushes near
his house, twenty feet long, and as big
around rs whiskey keg. We do not dis
pute his statement, but we do not believe
that he saw the snake.
It is the wear AID tear on the female
intellect in the matter OF deciding upon
the arrangement Of the new bonnet that
il filing so many graves for the daisies to
grow upon.
A sign in a neighboring city reads:
''Hickre nuts for SAIL An. Intelligent |
old gentleman says he don't see any joke \
in it except that the fellow has spelt I
s'nuts''with one t. hze
1t wouldn't make SO much difference !
about the grasshoppers this summer if it \
WASH # for the relief agents who come aft
forwards and take everything that the
grasshoppers leave. u
A philosophical old bachelor made will,
leaving his entire fortune to be divided
areong the girls who had refused him.
'.Eor to them,n he added, feelingly, II
owe all nay earthly happiness"
Starting a newspaper is fun-anybody
can do it. But we have known people |
who had to sit upnights and hustle aEound
pretty lively to keep it going after it WIS
started.
1t is: strange how some wives can tell
their husbands 'sthey amt worth their
salt, 2 but just let 'em be killed on a rail-
road. and see how quick she'll sue the CON-
pany for $4,000. Lf 'r.
He started up in the middle of the night,
and pressing his hands upon his sides, ex-
claimed: HJanes I'm afraid I'm going to
die, I've got such a strange feeling in my +
diagram
If you haven't bought you new bat
yet, young woman. sbr0ud your old one in
a grenadine veil, look as distinguished as
you can, and no one will know the differ.
ence.
A lady who gazed approvingly at the
nearly finished dome of the new court
house remarked to friend: "Won't it be
splendid when they get new justice of
the peace up there?"
Philosophers say that shutting the eyes
unafror tho hearing mara acllte Parhanr