South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1875-07-30
WIT AND IIUMoR.
~In what place are two heads bet
ter than one?-In barrel


permit him TO become a Christian.
"Whar's yer backbone, dat We can't
rose up and stand temptation?" exclaim.
ed the good man. Il was dat way my
self once. Right in dis yere town 1 had
chance to steal par O boots-migh-
ty nice ones, too. Nobody was dar to
sne me, and l reached out my hand and
de debbil said take 'em. Den a good
sperit whispered fur me to let dem boots
alone
AN you didn't take 'em."
NO, sah-not much. took q par
o cheap shoes Off de shelf an left dem
boots alone Vicksbury Herald
tVT say, Pat, what are you about
sweeping out the room?' mo- an
swered Pat, II am sweeping out the dirt
and leaving the room"
VWhy is the sun like n good loaf?
Because it's light when it rises.
WLadies will sooner pardon want OF
sense than want of manners.
tVBabies are described as coupons
attached to the bonds of matrimony.
t0Therc is much difference between
being headlong and long-headed.
tRTwo ladies were heard comparing
notes the other day, when one says, mo-
destly, "Well, all want is n man, and
a carriage and horses, and TO go to Eu.
rope this summer, and five new silk dress
es, and a few dainty grenadines, and
strawberries three times day, if not Of
tener, and, oh, forty pairs of kid gloves,
& then should be cared for properly"
V"Herbert," said a perplexed mo-
Their. why is it that you're not better
boy?" "Well," said the little fellow,
soberly, looking up into her face with
his honest blue eyes, 81 suppose the re-
al reason is that don't want to be p
We think the child gave the real reason
why all of us big as well as little, are not
better than we are.
Iva bashful and not over-educated
fellow wentto see his girl the other night,
and as he started away he put his arm
around her and whispered in her ear.
dearest, L love-" and she responded
sweetly, ditto" meaning, of course,
reciprocation of his tender passion. The
young man could not find ditto in his
vocabulary, and asked his father the
what il meant. The old gent rested a
moment on his hoe, and pointed to the
cabbagei in front of him with the remark ::
You see that cabbageP" "Yes;" re-
sponded the youth. "And you see the
next one there?" "Yes." well that is
called ditto. Damn her ~ exclaim-
ed the impetuous youth, "She called me
n cabbage head
STUDYING NATURAL Philosophy
Old Keyser found Cooley's boy standing
III very suspicious position under his
best apple-tree, with stick in his hand,
and certain bulgy appearance about
his pockets. Having secured him firm
ly by the collar, Keyser shook him up
cit, and asked him sternly what he was
doing there?
"Ain't a-doin' nothin''" said Cooley.
81 came over yer to study"
That's entirely too thin" exclaimed
Keyser
"Yes, | did come over yer to study
about Sir Isaac. We had it in our les
son. lie was in an orchard and saw an
apple fall, and that made him invent the
traction Of gravitation and come yer
TO see if it was So"
1T won't do, sonny" said Keyser.-
"1 cure too enthusiastic about Sir Isaac :;
and. besides, what were you going to do
with that stick?"
with this stick? This yer stick?
What was l goin' to do with this stick?
Why, boy gave me this stick to hold
for him while he went on an errand for
his aunt"
And where did that apple-core come
from there on the ground?"
That apple-core? That one lying
there? The birds is awful on apples
this season. | saw a blackbird drop
that there, an | says to myself them
birds are just ruinin' Mr.. Keyscrs
apples"
Knife and Fork Flirtations.
To drop your knife means, II am bad
" bored"
To eat with your knife means, 81 am
not posted"
To drop your fork means IL am DIES.
peratsly in love"
To wipe your knife on the tablecloth
means, "All right"
To stir your coffee with a fork means.
'IIow sweet you are"
To eat your soup with your fork
means, You are very beautiful"
To whet your knife ON your fork
means, You see lam sharp"
To cut your mouth with knife means.
~ am very impatient"
To pick your teeth with fork means.
81 am the pick Of the lot"
To wipe your nose ON anapkin means.
81 am making fool ofmyselC"
To drum on your plate with your
knife and fork means, II am almost
crazy"
To scratch your head with a fork
means, Il itch for an acquaintance with
you"
To dip your own knife in the butter
means, 81 am very particular. You see
To let your knife slip and splatter the
gravy out Of the plate means, II am ex-