davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-03-09
the ELDER BOOTHS JOKES.

Upon one occasion in New York, during
an engagement OF Booth, the tragedy of
Julius Caesar" was produced, Booth play
ing Cassius. The representative OF Brutus
having been dining with some friends, in
the endeavor to drown the remembrance
of some domestic trouble had taken more
than his usual quantity of wine.
During the performances, the audience
pcrceiying his situation, manifested some
disapprobation. At the close Of the first
act, conscious that he had overstepped the
bounds of prudence, he asked Booth what
he SHOULD do to get through with his
part.
Booth, in spirit of mischief. replied,
"Use my remedy
s'Hey? What's that p said Brutus.
"Why, get some vinegar in teacup,
put some snuff in it, mix the two to-.
gether, pour it into your hand and inhale
it through your nose.
Brutus, not dreaming of the conse-
quences that were to ensue, im5ibed q
sufficient quantity to produce fit Of
sneezing, which he found it difficult to
overcome.
Afrer entering the stage he saluted the
audience with q sneeze, and struggled
hard to smother the effects of the snuff,
in which he succeeded, until the attempt
was visible in the contortions of his face.
The following reply to Cassius was rem
dered thus:
Be not deceived; if have vailed my look
Turn the trouble Of my oountenance
Merely upon myself; tsnee2e!] vexed am
Of l.ss. .it$% passions of some difference
Conceptions only proper to myself <bla'+ th't
Which qsneeze i give some [snee.el y soil, per-
haps, TO my behavior.
All his efforts were unavailing to check
the effect of Booths remedy, which
proved worse than the disease, and the
modest Roman of them all'' was taken
bv the nose in the most unromantic man.
ner. The sneezing operation, like that OF
yawning, became contagious, or, perhaps,
the visitors IF the Bowery theatre were
sup to snuff for Immediately after ono
of Bratus commissions = prodigious
sneeze echoed from tho audience. What
rendered the affair still moro ludi.
crous was that the representative
of Brutua several times attempted to
sneeze, but failing, the audience did it for
him, and then, when they expected the
actor was quiet, he. would give 9 final
one. which caused the whole" house to
echo with laughter. Thus was the trag-
edy converted into one of the most laugh.
able farces ever enacted upon any stage.
Mr.. Booth lived entirely free from AMI.
NAL food, regarding the destruction Of
everything that had life as contrary TO
he intentions Of Providence. During an
The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-03-09
Aid for the GrGsshopper sufferers.
! ssga% (Ffom the Winona RAnubl,oan.1 4ss.{s

#.9 From the Winona Republican r-sefsfSs
There Is trouble in the house of Bam-
per. Bumper is an up. town man, he is.
He, went home the other night with his
whisky bottle newly filled, and knowing
Mrs. bumpers peculiar notions about
these things he considerably slid the bot
tie into the friendly pocket Of an old coat
that hung up in the wood shed. The
coat had long ago seen its best days but
still did service for Bumper to milk in
and do other chores around the barn.
Therefore, he thought it safe place for
his gin, and whenever he went out
to do the chores he could
solace himself with a quiet
nip and yet not excite the eccentric
prejudices Of Mrs. Bumper. It must be
said for Bumper that he is not an intern
perate man but he likes little old Bour-
bon around in cases Of urgent necessity,
and the severe winter has made it quite
necessary for him to imbibe more fire.
quently than is his general custom. The
last time he had his bottle filled was lust
before that awful blizzard that fairly froze
the marrow in a mans bones. When he
went homo that night he felt the. need Of
something reviving and with more haste
than usual he hurried out to do the
chores 1t was little dark in the wood
house but he steered straight for the old
coat in the corner. Reaching up to take
it off the nail he was alarmed to find it
gone. He fastened to the kitchen door and
called: 'Mrs. Bumper! Mrs. Bumper p
voice from the sitting room: swell, my
DEAR
where's my old coat! p
"What old coat g. returned Mrs.
Bumper, now approaching from the front
room.
''Why, that old coat use to milk in"
replied Bumper, his voice trembling with
agitation and disappointment.
80, that old thing. Why, the ladies
were around soliciting clothing for the
grasshopper sufferers, and gathered up a
lot of things in the house. and then hap.
pened to see that old coat and I thought
you didn't use it enough to pay for hav-
ing it lying around, and so I Just rolled it
up and put it in with the rest
but what did you do with the bot
tle!'' broke out the thoroughly alarmed
Bumper.
''What bottle? 1 didn't sec any bottle
there. didn't examine the pockets, but
pulled the coat down and rolled it up with
the other things % replied Mrs. Bumper
rather sorrowfully.
"Why, had little bottle Of pain
killer and the darned stuff smells so that
| thought I'd keep it out here in the air.
Bumper had been reading the Beechcr-
Tilton trial, and he thought this was a
case where he'd be justified in lying for
friend.) But it's no matter, my dear;
your intentions were good, and it may
save some of the destitute settlers on the
frontier from suffering-if they only
know how to use it discrectly." And
Bumper moved off about his chores,
thinking to himself that he couldn't
afford to send many bottles: Of ten-dollar
Bourbon to the grasshopper sufferers.
The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-03-09

The editor of the Leavenworth Ar.
rus remarks in the obituary Of his paper:
sSWe went into the business determined
to run it or bust. We have busted
: DIR. Cuyler wants all young ladies to
band together and say: No lips shall
touch my lips that have touched a bottle.
Rather rough. this, on the fellows that
we're brought mp by hand. ~. s.
The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-03-09
MISCELLANY.
PREsS.ROOlI Bill !..5
By BRET HARTR.
=: h 81. Z, = 3.

Read at the annual dinner of the Boston Press
Club at the Revere House, Nov. s, l874<]
Bill was the cuss;
Slept all night on pile ofstock-
But what'd he care! He'd no friends
That would make muss
Ii he slept in the streets.
So he sends
For pot of beer, and bite to eat
In the press room,
Where with jes' room
To stretch out Straight,
He'd wait
It'll the boy got round in the upper regions;
And by legions
He fed the sheets to the hungry maws,
And lion jaws
Of the press.
You can guess
How he loved the machine and his-work
He shirk?
When he gave his word
That settled it sure. Whateverit was
You could be poz
That he'd do as he said, if it took leg.
Not peg
Would he move, whatever he saw or heard,
10 break promise
Was tartheSt from his
Thoughts of what was the duty of man,
And where the law OF right began.
One n ght tue boss
%Member OF Congress now, they say,)
Came down stairs,
Putting on airs
His usual way)
Pretty soon he calAe across
Bill, who was putting the forms in place;
"Bil," says he,
81 want a copy brought up to me
At lour o'clock in any case;
For leave at five
BY an early train,
So lcok alive;
Or''-here his language became protane-
"You'li do it, Bill?'
Says Bill: III will''
That night, at just about hali-past one,
fhe bells begun
The awful clangor that tells of fire.
Twas ou1 old place
That was being burnt.
When Bill learnt
The fact, by his linen coat tails ablaze,
The room was getting about red hot.
There was just one spot
That the fire had managed, so far, to spare,
And the press stood there.
Bill wasn't crier,
And when he saw
There was no use trying to save thing
Out of the fiery dragons NAV,
He gave one spring
For the stock-there wasn't an atom LETT.
Bill says the heft
OF his heart, when he found there wasn't one
Identical sheet that he could use,
was NOR q ton.
In his two hours snOOZe,
He hadn't taken his garments OIL
They came off now;
That is, he stripped, as if for row,
Down to the buff.
Let US draw veil,
And end this tale
With scene. That morning, sharp at four,
Bill knocked at the door
Ofthe boss's house, and out he came,
Not knowing the place was all afame;
SCOT the paper :" Says Bill, "You're right.
The id old sfice burnt down tonight;
There wasn't no one hurt,
And got you copy" Here he gave
The boss, who was Just beg inning to rave,
An impression struck off on his shirt.
P. S.-'Twas Bill's shirt, not the boss's.
tell you Bill was one of the HOSES.
The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-03-09
Slowly Frozen to Death,

The Baltimore Su7, gives the following
account of the man who was recently
found frozen to death at Jones' Falls
''The footprints of the unfortunate man
as he walked to his death, were yesterday
thrillingly distinct. He must have been
on his way up town BY the way of Stiles
street after the snow had ceased to fall
which was at Sunday midnight. Stiles
street is the first street south Of Pratt
street, and begins at Jones' Falls. At
the Falls arc several piles of boards along
the brink and facing Stiles street.
Through an opening between these boards
the man walked to the edge and lost his
footing and fell over upon the iee-covered
water, twelve feet below. At, tho time
there was soft covering over the hard
ice and from the spot where he fell his
tracks could be followed as he cndeav-
cred to find spot where the wall could
be scaled. Directly opposite Stiles
arc several steps in the wall leading down
to the water. The man reached these
steps, placed one foot upon the lower one,
and by ascending the other two he would
have escaped. But, as if by some faulty,
he faltered, turned away, returned again,
and then started in zigzag course down
the stream, first crossing to one side and
then to the other, all the while evidently
seeking place Of egress. If he called
for aid, no one heard his cries in that
lonely section. He passed number of
places where tho ice was very thin, and
the wonder is no went so far
before the fatal spot was reached.
When 80 feet north of the Canton
avenue bridge, and Is from tho eastern
wall, the ice broke, and he was plunged
into the water, which is there much be-
ysnd mans depth. Then began des-
peratc struggle for life, for the ice was
broken for several feet around him on
every side. He doubtless graspcd the
edges Of tho ice with his hands, and as
fragment after fragment gave way and
was broken off in his futile efforts to
draw himself out by its aid, he returned
again and again to the struggle, until,
overcome by the bitter cold, exhausted
nature succombed. When life was ex-
tinct the leo formed so rapidly that it i'm.
prisoned the body before it could sink to
the bottom, and it was thus found yes
terday morning. The mans hat was
found six feet from the body, it, too,
firmly imbedded in the ice. After q view
of the spot where tho unknown man met
his death it needed no stretch Of the i'm
aeination to depict the intensity of his
suffering before relieved by DEATH"
The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-03-09
Broken Friendship.

Friendship is good deal like China. 1t
is very durable and beautiful as long as
it is quite whole; but break it, and all
the cement in the world will never quite
repair the damage. You may stick the
pieces together so that, at a distance, it
looks nearly as we'll as ever; but it won't
hold hot water. 1t is always ready to de.
ceive you if you trust it; and
it is, on the whole, very
worthless thing, fit only to be
put empty on a shelf, and forgotten there.
The finer and more delicate it is, the more
utter the ruin. A mere acquaintance,
which needs only little ill-humor to
break it up, may be coarsely puttied like
that old yellow basin in the storc-closet:
but tenderness, and trust, and
sweet exchange of confidence can
no more be yours when
angry words and thoughts have broken
them than can those delicate porcelain
tea cups which were splintered to pieces
be restored to their original excellence.
The slightest crack will spoil the true
ring. and you had better search for new
friend than try to mend the old one. And
all this has nothing to do with forgive
ness. One may forgive and be forgiven,
but the deed has been done,
and the word said; the flowers and
the gliding IRE gone. The formal "mak-
ing-np,' especially between two women,
is of no more avail than the wonderful
cements that haye made cracked ugli-
ness Of the china vase that you expected
to be your 10y forever Handled deli
cately, washed to purity in the waters OF
truth, con6ded to no careless, unsym-
pathizing hands, friendship may last two
lives out: but it "does not pay to try
to mendit Once broken. it is spoiled
forever.
The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-03-09
To Farmers.

Send your orders to Il. B. West, Commission
Merchant, Brackets Block, Minneapolis, for
Flour, Feed, and OIL Meal (only mill in the
State that grinds OIL cake). Best feed for
horses, cattle and sheep after this cruel winter.
Oats, Corn, Beans, Butter and Eggs wanted
either for cash or ON commission.
The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-03-09
A WALKING ADVERTISEMEN

LIMESTONE oPR1NGS, D. y.
Dr.: R. V; PIERCE, Buffalo, N. Y:
DEAR SIR7l am walking advertisement
for your Golden Medical Discovery, Purgative
Pellets, and DR.. Sage's Gaia rh Rem e ly. they
having cured me OF Catarrh of nine years
standing, which was so bad that it disfgured
my nose, and, while curing it, your medicine
also cured me of Asthma in its worst and most
aggravated form. Before using your 1nedi-
cines had become reduced in flesh from one
teen pounds. and now weigh one hundred
and sixty-two pounds, and am in better health
than have enjoyed for twenty years.
J. L. LUMsDEN.
The above is but lair sample Of hundreds
OF letters which are received by DR.. Pierce.
and in the face Of such evidence who can
longer doubt that the Doctors medicines cure
the worst cases of Chronic Catarrh.
The Great Favorito with the Ladies.
VIM. Forsyth Bynum & Son, druggists, OF
Live Oak, Florida, writes, Sept 10th, 1874, as
follows: CDR. r. V. Pierce, Buffalo, N. w.
Your Golden Medical Discovery and Purgative
Pellets sell very largely and give complete sat-
isfaction, az numbers 'of our customers and
Is ndee9 the Great 1SS Vcre %
the ladies, and numbers can say with joy that
it has saved them from eking out miserable
life or meeting with premature death, and re-
stored them to health and happiness !"
Thousands of women bless the day on which
DR.. Pieroe's Favorite Prescription was first
made knwn to them: A single bottle often
gives delicate and suffering women more re-
lief than months Of treatment from their. fam
lily physician. In all those arrangements
causing back-ache, dragging down sensations,
nervous and general debility, it is sovereign
remedy. Its soothing and healing properties
render it of the utmost value to ladies suffer-
ing from internal fever, congestion, inaamma-
tend to correct displacements Of internal parts,
the result Of weakness Of natural supports. It
is sold by all druggists.
DR.. Pierce's pamphlet on Diseases peculiar
to Women will be sent to any address on re-
oeipt of two stamps. Address as above.
The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-03-09

"A very dirty, debased, and ignorant
looking man came in to vote in a town
ship in Michigan. Said one Of the ladies,
offering him ticket:
81 wish you would oblige us by voting
this ticket?"
"What kind Of . ticket is that = said
he.
why" said the lady, ''yeu can see
yourself
"But can't read" he answered.
"Why, cant you read tho ballot you
about to vote T. asked the lady. "
mo-" said he, 81 can't read at all p >.
"Well,'' said the lady. "this ballot
means that you are willingto let the w.
men as we'll as the men vote %
'Is that it, he replied ''then I don I
want it; the women don't know enough
to vote" 81 r.. 4 ~ e.h-, ~.
The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-03-09

An old maid is not without power. A
writer observes that he has known one
such turn q steamboat excursionin an
occasion Of gloom and dependency. 81.
go When Steeptea married his first wife
he sent the usual notice to the papers,
with the addition, aTo be continued" s z
The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-03-09

E. B. WEST, Flour Broker and Commission
Merchant, Brackets Block, Minneapolis, Min
nesota, sells Oil Meal, lb. equal to 10 lbs.
bran, or lbs. meal. For Cattle, Horses and
Sheep. It will make horses hair grow towards
the tail instead of forward to the ears. Try it.
The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-03-09

SPRING OF 1875.

Tree, Field, Errit, Garden and
Flower Seeds. Fresh and Standard Seeds.
Catalogue tree. L. B. WAIT, Scotsman.
Fourth street, Saint Paul, Mimi, between
Jackson and Robert streets. mch3-3w
The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-03-09

N YDER, Commission
the sale alr1 purchase
Skins. Hifes, Wool,
. Wholesale dealer in
Stee. Traps. Agent for
der Co. No. IS Jack :
LVPaul. Send for cir
-. -. N6-2ei
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1875-12-30
BOnner's TrOtters.

a NEW YORK San reporter has been al
lowed peep at Mr.. Robert Bonner's
noted trotters, which have returned from
his farm near Tarrytown, and have taken
winter quarters in his stable in Fifth ave
nue.. In the first spacious box stall of the
cOmmOdious stable stands Dexter, the &C
knowledged monarch Of the turf. Dexter
was never in better condition, being as
fresh and spirited as three-year- old colt
His achievements on the turf, as is known
to all the world, have never been equaled
Mr.. Bonner at one time offered 500, 900
for any horse in the world that would
equal his performance on the turf. In
the next stall stands Grafton, sorrel geld
ing six years Old, with a white stripe in
his face, and stands sixteen hands and a
quarter of an inch high. With splendid
girth, loins and thighs, he is considered
the best six-year-old colt in America.
Next stands Joe Elliott, the brown geld
ing, nearly sixteen hands high. His fine
style, great strength and bold, sp1ightly
action are considered remarkable. He
trotted in public, in harness, over Fash
ion course in 2:19. Next in order is the
beautiful mare Pocahontas. Mr.. Bonner
purchased her in Boston of Mr.. Ephraim
Simmons, at a marvellous price, shortly
after she had trotted race in which she
made mile in 2:26. Mr.. Bonner has re-
fused 100000 for her, offered by Dan
Mace, who desired TO put her on the turf!
Mr.. Bonner has, besides, over eighty
other trotting horses, of the finest blood in
the country. They include such famous
notters as the bay stallion Edward Ever
EFT, Joe Elliott, Tanner Boy, Everett Ray,
Flatbush Maid, Lady Palmer, Peerless,
Princess Nam brine, BERTHE, Stiletto, Lady
Hughes, Lady Murphy, Kate and other
trotters Of note Mr.. Bonner's stable of
trotters is the best and most costly in the
world. He has more money invested in
horsefesh than any man living.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1875-12-30
International Sunday-School Lessons
FIRST QUARTER OF 1875.
Come to Christ!

READER, if you really want TO be saved,
I give you an invitation this day. If
you want to have peace with God now, and
glory in heaven hereafter, invite you to
come to Christ at once, and both shall be
your own.
l invite you boldly, because of the words
which Christ himself has spoken. He
says, Come unto Me all We that labor and
are heavy laden, and l will give you
rest" HIm,that cOmeth unto Me I will
in no wise cast out. Matt. xi. %; John
Vi. 81 Reader, are you tired of your
sins? Are you laboring and heavy-laden {?
I invite you this day to come to Christ and
you shall be saved.
] know not who you are, or what you
have been in time past, but say boldly:
Come to Christ by faith, and you shall
have a pardon. High OF low, rich or
poor, young man or maiden, old man or
child, you cannot be worse than Manas-
sch and Paul before conversion, than
David and Peter after conversions come
to Christ, and you shall be freely for
given.
Take the advice l give you this day and
act upon it at once. Stand still no long
er, waiting for some imaginary frames
and feelings which will never come.
Hesitate no longer under the idea that
you must first of all obtain the spirit, and
then come to Christ. Arise and come to
Christ just as you are. He waits for
you, and is as willing TO save as He is
mighty. He is the appointed Physician
for sin-sick souls. Deal with Him as
you would with your doctor about the cure
of disease of your body. Make a direct
application to Him, and tell Him all your
wants. Tell Him you want to be saved,
and ask Him to save you. Rest not till
you have actually tasted for yourself that
the Lord is gracious. Cast yourself wholly
and unreserYedly on Christ, and your soul
shall be saved.
Reader, once more I invite you. Come
TO Christ. The Lord grant the invitation
may not be given in vain. Come to Christ!
Come Rec. j. G. RyIe.
Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1875-12-30
A Norwegian Whalery.

ON small island opposite to the town
of Wadso. in the extreme north of Nor
way, there exists an establishment the
like OF which is probably not to be met
with III any part of the world. Its most
appropriate designation would be, per-
haps, slaughter yard for whales; and
MIR. Foyn, its proprietor, conducts the
business of capturing and cutting up the
monsters in manner peculiarly his own.
Instead Of fitting out the usual-sized yes
sells intended to make long voyages and
bring home only the most useful parts Of
the animal, Mr.. Foyn employs small
one hundred and fifty to one hundred and
eighty tons-screw steamers, shoots his
fish with cannon, and has them lowed
back, one by one, as they are captured, to
the shambles at Wadso. AS the fishing
grounds are within easy reach of the lat
ter, the steamers, as a rule, secure and
return with prize within twelve hours
time. With respect to the cannon en-
ployed, it is gun having a chamber
about four feet long; this is mounted on
the forecastle of the vessel, and, being
very accurately balanced, can be easily
moved to allow an exact aim to be taken.
The projectile in use consists of long
iron bolt, having at its extreme end four
harpoons, bound round with line So as
to be fiat, and close to the harpoons five
to six FOUNDER shell. AS soon as the
steamer has approached sufficiently near
to the f1sh-and whales off that part of
the coast are not over-shy, allowing YES
sci to come within shOt-the bolt is fired
off, and, if well-directed, penetrates deep
ly into the flesh and blubber of the ami
NAL. The whale then naturally rushes
off at furious pace, thinking thus to
elude his pursuers. Unfortunately for
him, however, no step could be more
suicidal, for the effect of his rapid move
ment is to make the bolt slip back little,
thus setting free the four harpoons from
the lines, and by means Of a mechanical
arrangement causing shell to explode.
This generally proves the coup de grace,
killing the fish outright; but occasionally
the animal is not sufficiently hard hit,
and its capture is not so easily effected, as
it dashes away at tremendous speed,
dragging the steamer after it.