The Findlay Jeffersonian. [volume] (Findlay, Hancock County, Ohio) 1870-1881, 1875-11-05
Danbury News.
TALKED HIMSELF TO DEATH.
The PulI-s=ck Dresses We're Too Much for Him.

see, lie salu 10 the aStonlSned girl, Il
much prefer to do my talking inside. It
is so unpleasant TO have the door closed
in ones face when only half through.
He walked into the parlor, and the
frightened girl went to inform her mis-
tress that a sewing machine man, or
book peddler, had gained access to the
house. The lady entered the room, and
was greeted by the young man Of cheek
as follows:
They call me n blessing-the ladies'
do, and | am, madam / am a labor
saving benefaetor to the whole sex. I
have little invention which am intro
ducing-a perfect little gem. Itis.mad-
am, small silver-plated gilt-point con-
eern, which will allow you to wear the
new style of pullbaek dresses as easily
as the breeches."
what do you mean, sirz' demanded
the lady.
No longer, madam, will you have to
take your meals off from the mantel-
piece. You can sit down as easily as in
the old style barrel-shaped dresses.
When you travel you won't have to lean
against the water-cooler, nor sit on the
sharp-edge seat arm. The little inven-
ton which will facilitate your movement
retails for only 81. 1t is called the semi
cylinder, double-duplex non conductor,
magical pull back dress fastener" and
he opened his satchel and took out half
metal and wooden concern, and said,
'only 81! You place it under your shirts
in this illustrating with his coat
taiD, and when you desire to sit down,
pull the right hand string, which you can
have come out in your pocket, and 10!
down you gently float until you reach
the chair. If you desire to get into a
carriage, drop the invention by pulling
this string. put your foot on the spring,
and you'll find yourself in the carriage
in an instant"
The lady called her husband to see the
new invention, and the agent explained
its workings to him. As the husbands
eye fell upon the agent, a wicked thought
flashed through his brain, and he deter
mined to be revenged.
''This is a new invention" began the
agent, ito enable ladies to draw back
their skirts much tighter than at present,
and, at the same time, allow them to sit
down. 1t is called the high-fangled,
drawback and squeeze together, new
modus Operandt. Ladies say am a la
Dor saving benefactor, that | am an
everlasting
Watt shouted the husband, please
explain its workings again.
The agent did so.
"Why, that would make a good hay
holster"
Eyes" answered the agent, 'but it is
more particularly designed for ladies. "
The husband sent for his daughter to
examine the invention.
''This is a new unparalleled, upright
longitudinal, square-shaped perpendieu-
lar, two degrees south by four west, extra
strong, sling together and smash-up, pull
back dress invention which am selling
for only 81. Ladies call me a."
''Hold on, +" shouted the husband and
father, ''until call my other daughter"
and he waItzed out Of the room, and re-
turned with the h'.sG gisl and the cham
ho-sasei,l.
''You see, ladies'" began the agent,
''this is a flop over and stand-you-up
magical. tragical, two strings to the right
and one in the center, invention for
pulling back your skirts" and he went
on for half an hour, during which time
the husband slipped over to the next
house and induced the inmates to come
over and hear the agent talk. He re-
turned with six women and four chill
dren, just as the agent was winding up
for the fourth time. Escorting one per-
son into the room at time, he had the
agent to tell each one about the ''inven-
ton" He stationed a small boy out in
the hall, with lead pencil, who was in
structed to make a mark on the wall
every time the agent re peated his story.
The stock he brought in was exhausted
about noon, when he sent a messenger
around the ward to send in the neigh
bors, and the agent was kept telling his
story without intermission till near
midnight.
As the sun disappeared behind the
Western horizon, the agent began to
show signs of fatigue, but the husband
was as fresh as ever. Eleven minutes
to twelve o'clock the agent, who had
just completed his yarn for the two
hundred and sixteenth time, looked up
and gasped. A glass of water was thrown
in his face, and the husband told the
boy to run in half dozen more persons.
for he thought he could finish the agent
now in about an hOEr and half. The
boy left to rouse up the neighb6fhood,
to find half dozen who had not YET
heard the story of tine invention
When he was absent, frequent stiinn-
Iants had to be given the agent to pre-
vent him from fainting. Shortly, the
boy returned, saying that no more
neighbors could be found, as they had
all gone on an excursion. The husband,
ON hearing this, was in despair, but he
had the agent repeat the story to him o
couple of times, a couple Of times to the
boy, and once to himself When ne had
finished, he was so far exhausted as to be
unable to sit up.
A fiendish smile stole across the fea-
lures of the husband as he said:
'.Young man, l have hoped for this
moment. have been haunted almost
to death by agents. The last man thAt
came along swindled me out OF 50, and
then took terrible oath / would. be
revenged upon the next man that at
tempted to seduee me. Know, then, that
have induced these persons who have
listened to your eloquenee, to come in.
that l might turn your own weapon
against you. You have talked yourself
to death. Thank heaven, / have sue
ceeded in my revenge. Yoa can live
but few moments longer, bat before
you die | pray you to repeat again that
SveII-knoxn story