The Tiffin tribune. (Tiffin, Ohio) 1868-1887, 1875-03-04

y
want to lose. expect some day to
meet you in better world" "YOuTl
be there, as you are here" was the
retort OF Ben, quick as thought, "a
member of the lower house."
Here is a new anecdote of Butler.
Shortly after the conviction of Prof.
| Webster, of Harvard College, which
set all New England agog, Butler was
roughly examining a professor wit
ness in a case, when one of the oppos-
ing counsel indignantly interfered,
ard said perhaps he didn't know who
be was dealing with. "Perhaps ne
does not understand that professor OF
Harvard College is a distinguished
person." said the counsel, with lofty
sarcasm. 'Oh, yes" said Butler,
promptly, II know all about them !;
we hung one of them the other day"
A cOlporteur opened the door of an
Irishman's 'shanty IN New Orleans,
and, putting in his head, in a very pi-
GUS tone asked the owner of the dOmi-
cile, who happened to be in at the
time, ''if he would accept OF tract of
the Holy L2nd," meaning, of course,
an essay on that interesting portion OF
the world. ayes, be jabers," was the
reply of the Hibernian, "a hOul sec
ton, if you give good title deed. But
I should like to know if there is much
of il prairie, or if new settlers are SUD-
ject to the agur there ?"
/ There were two of them. She, with
bent head aud parted lips, was listen
ing intently. He, with face flushed
and voice vibrating, was saying. "ln
all this wide world, darling, there is
no being SO dear" And then Mr..
HoleOmb's clerk started quarter of a
| ton of-snow from the roof, and a man
looking like an aIlegOry of winter was
dancing out in the street, shaking his
fist upward, and screaming at tue top
of his voice "COme down here, you
ugly viper, and I'll kick your gol
dsrned head IN, gol darn you %
The difference When lady lips
on the sidewalk she gracefully sits
down, and that's the end of 1t. A
man, however, always tries to catch
himself on the other foot, drops all
his bundles and uses his arms for a
balancing pole, struggles desperately
for about ten seconds in vain endeav-
or to recover his equilibrium and final
| ly goes sprawling like a collapsed
windmill /; then he swears.
A business firm to which a bill had
been owing for some time, finally
sent sharp dunning note to the deb
tor, aud received in reply a postal
card containing the following: "Mat-
thew xviii. 26." To this they respond
ed: Romans xiii. 8; st. Luke xii.
S." The result was the prompt re-
turn of check in payment of the
amount.
A package was received at the
Dead Letter Office containing half 3
dozen snakes, two dead and the re-
mainder alive. One is a copperhead
/ five feet long. The reptiles were in q
tin box, addressed to Germany, but
had been stopped at Liverpool on sC-
court ofinsufficient postage.
Emerson has been visited by a
! Southern lady, who was "delighted
| Will ILlC AulluE vi Ills III
voluted words" This surprises the
Detroit Post, which says that "last
year he had his words cut bias, but
with plain borders tastefully folded
back and secured with blue ribbon"
81 see very little Of you," said an
cid gentleman at Louisville ball to
a young Lady whom he had not met
in long time. az know it," was the
artless reply; but mother wouldn't
allow me to wear very low-necked
dress tonight, the weather is 50
cold"
Helen NJ Cooke, who writes verses
for New York paper, says that kisses
on her brow are the richest diadem her
wOman's soul aspires to wear. All
right, Helen. Bring on your brow
and take your diadem.-Detr0n Ti'ib-
Stle.
When a woman buys q dress pat
tern and brings it home and finds out
that she doesn't tlike it, you can't drive
away her melancholy by reading q
chapter in the Bible or singing one of
Dr.. Watts poems. .-BrOOEly1 Argus.
A kind Missouri husband wheeled
his crippled wife three miles the 9TH
er day that she might cheerfuIly gaze
upon a funeral procession. 1t was
1.-THE first which she had had the pleas
ure Of seeing for seven years"
"Wby, Iehabod, 1 thought you got
married more'n year ago" "Well,
Aunt Jerusha, it was talked Of, but 1
found out that the girl and all her
folks were opposed to it, and so just
gave'em all the mitten and let the
thing drop"
All the candor of youth-Aunt Bel
la (whO has Just read out aloud. '"Phe
Burial of Sir John Moore" )-"NOw,
then, which of the verses do you like
the best?n Jack with aiacrity)-"O /!
L kpow-'Few aud short were the
prayers we said.'
= stingy husband accounted for all
| the blame of the lawlessness of his
children in company by saying his
wife always gave them their own way.
'tPOor things! it's all L have to give
them,p was the prompt reply.
A Wisconsin man has invented q
machine which he calls a "Steam
Tornado Washer the chief merit OF
| it being, we presume, its ability TO
raise as much Of 4 breeze on q wash
day as the woman of the house does
when she's mad.
4 Detroit man who believes in haV-
ing place for everything and every-
thing in its place, has nailed his slip
pers on the wsll, four feet high, and
heels downward, so that al he has 10
| do in the evening is to wheel up MS
chair and put his feet in them.
An Iowa woman thus ends her views
on female suffrage: "You may look al
this matter in Whatever lightyOu viii,
but simmer it down and it Is but
quarrel with the Almighty that we
are not all men,"
A man fell overheard from and
/ English steamboat The captain on
Iy asked, "Has that man paid his
passage 4? If he has go ahead l did
not put him overheard"
"Ah, parson, 1 wish could take my
gold with me-" said dying man TO
his pastor. SIT might melt,n was the
consoling answer.
When Pittsburg ladies want to COM
pliment q gentleman's i1ustache call
| it tireal eSmelis hair
There is nothing SO rigidly Catholic
as an umbrella il keeps lent the
year round.
Send US poems, sweet poems. The
cold snan has usnd nm nearly all Our