The Van Buren press., 1875-12-21
The San Antonia Herald is responsi.

The San Antonia Herald Is responsl-
bic for the following:
While the jury was being selected in a
horse stealing case. the other day the
prisoner insisted on his counsel "lj citing
to one Of the jurors But" argued the
counsel with his client, that man used
60 steal horses himself He's all right
he'spur friend" That may he" whs.
perei the prisoner, /" nut his head is shap.
ell like the id scoundrel stole the
mare from. nd who got the into all this
trouble in the first place" Never mind
his head, his heart is all right was the
whispered reply.
NO matter how indifferent the rest Of
the world may prove to your comings.
how careless Of whether you remain away
or some back. there is one person who
will witness your departure with anxious
heart. one pair Of eyes that will grow
brighter when you return. You knew
her. young man. 1t is your washwcman.
-Burnswick Necs.
-" role out with the President res
terday. Every thing is all right Me
Donald to Joyce.
Ono OF Mark Twain's funny stories
Is that of u Scripture panorama. the pro
prietor OF which engaged pianist to
play appropriate music. The musician,
when the picture of the = Prndigal Son
was passing. struck UP When Johnny
Comes Marching Home" which excited
the Indignation OF the moral lecturer.
The omission of Il comma on an ep.
ttaph In cemetery causes the inscription
to read :" Erected to the memory at John
Phillips. accilently shot as u mark OF at.
lection by his brother.
Mn and Gold-Anvthing Midas touch
OIL was turned to gold. In these days
touch man with gold and he i turn uto
anything.
Poor cx Gov. Clifford. president Of
tho Boston AMI Providence railway, bel
probably have to 60 to the INSANE asylum
he actually requests the directors To cut
down his salary one half rather than re
duce the wages OF workmen on che road
The man who would like to see you
The blind man.
Either man must he content with
poverty all his life. or else be Wiling to
deny himself some luxures and save, to
lay the base ofindependence in the future,
But II a man tiefes the future. and spends
oil he earns (whether his earrings be one
dollar or tel dollars every dav) let him
look for lean aud hungry want at some
future tine--for it will surely come, no
matter what he thinkv
III, In instrncting child, YOU are vex.
el with IL for want of adroitness. Try. if
you have never trie before, to write with
your lef: hand. and then remem yea that a
child ia all left hand.
MANY very good people are snnovel
by sleepness in church. The following
remedy il recommended: LIT the foot
seven inches from the f,oi. and hold it
In suspense without support TO: the limb,
and repeat the remedy il the attack re.
turns.
An old Pennsylvania lady had pipe
and tobacco placed in her husbands coffin.
50 that when he awoke in Heaven he
could indulge in smoke to settle his
nerves before proceeding to business.
TELL me. Darling. How 10 Woo
Thee is the title of a modern love son
Give her 4 diamond engagement ring.
and show her big bank credit and a
brown stone front.
An Irish doctor lately sent his bill to
lsdy as follows" To curing your hus-
band ill he died
In the line OF How TO Bring up
Parents" is the speech of the little boy
who said, Father. think You should
give up swearing or fam " PRAYERS The
boy recognized the fitness of things.
"A Delaware clergyman was the vic
tim Of donation party, and the mex,
day he had TO exchange a peck of beans
for something to eat, or go without food
al day.
--"Quills are things that are sometime'
taken from the pinions Of one goose Il
spread the opinions Of another"
"A country paper saws, fashionable
youug people are calling upon somehod
80 invent new dance Suppose some
one invents one wherein the young lai,
q noes around the house and looks afte
everything.
Now John, suppose there's load o
hay on one side of river and a jackas
on the other. how can the jsckass get +
the hav without gettieg wet y" 4" give
up Well, that's just what the othe
jackass did"
A colored woman in Macon. Ga
wrote to her husband in South Carolina
:. You rote .he word you was comm hul
soon. and you haze not kun So al
korting now; am goin' to git MARI,
aad goin' ava from Georgy, reman
yure wife"
Mark Twain, having been invited t
contribute something to AN infant asylum
offered to be one of 900 citizens " VIII
shall agree to contribute two or more
their children to this enterprise
--One half teaspoonlul Of salt in 70,
tahlespoonsful OF water will regulate
disordered stomach. to be repeated tw
or three mornings before breakfast.
"A newspaper is defined to he vii
dew through which men look out on s
that Ia going on IN the world 1t is .
Unfolding encyclopedia. an nub und boo