American citizen. [volume] (Canton, Miss.) 1864-1890, 1875-05-29

HOW I BECAME A BILLIONAIRE
That this world is but fieeting show il
apparent to the most obtuse observer. L
is equally apparent that he who gets thu
most out of life's circus, who sees the
entire hippodrome, must have money
Oh, money! money! money! The good
god-the omnipotent god of this world
The pretty golden god that buys you
bread and potatoes, beer and parsnips
buys your hat and coat; buys your way
into good society; buys you a pretty
wife; buys the preachers smile; buys
you q seat in the Senate; and when you
die buys you half a dozen first-class obIt
uary eulogieS; buys you a splendid mau
soleum, a prominent place in history, and
finally sends your soul to realms celestial.
What power this golden god has! What
a perfect enchanter he isl He can make
an ugly man pretty; an Insignificant cuss
noble and commanding; a mean man a
Adonis; q woman repulsive as a mud
fence as beautiful as the bird of para.
disc; and an arrant fool wiser than the
seven sages of Greece. / have known q
man who had not the good common
sense of the average tomtit whose society
was courted and advice sought on all oc-
caslons for the sole reason that he was
rich. was sitting few days ago in my
Office musing upon the subject of wealth
and the unequal distribution of property
in this world. In my meditations this
question kept forcing itself upon my
mind: Why is 1t that . man is sent into
this world without previous consultation
or arrangement and at the very begin
ming of life is informed that he must get
money, money, money-must root hog
or dief could not answer the question.
Yet know that l have been insulted
and humiliated with such a statement
many times. Why, / also asked myself,
is it that / can't enjoy all that is beauti-
full and glorious in this world without
having money, money, money! I couldn't
tell why it was-thoughs it might be
owing to an artificial state of things; but
While bordering on these matters ]
suddenly resolved that I would have
money, since it was SO necessary, and
said to myself; I am going to have
wealth; yes, I am determined to have
wealth; yes, shrieked, I will have vast
wealth; I will be as rich as Crnsus.
How shall attain itp Shall rob Ma
tional Bank? No. Shall induce some
rich man to call me liar and thief and
perjured villain and sue him for SLAM
der and recover a large verdict? No. 1
will get rich honestly. I will do it in
this way, and fell to soliloquizing in
this manner: l have watch worth fifty
dollars. will trade that watch for q
horse. shall make q good trade. The
horse will exchange for yoke of oxen.
/ will fatten the oxen and get them in
very nice order, and sell them for Christ
mas beef for 800. will invest that sum
in meas pork and it will rise in an I'M
precedented manner, and will convert
my $500 into 81, 200. With this sum l
will proceed to France. will 60 into
the country about Rouen and buy twelve
Norman stations. In crossing the ocean
one of them will die, but will dispose
of the others in a very advantageous
transaction. I will then go to my neigh
Dor, Mr.. Fenton, and will say to him !:
Mr.. Fenton, have been extremely for
tunate with my Norman stations. I
have made q large cum of money. l
desire to buy your section of land. I
will give you 81 600" He will say: &C. 1t is
a fine piece of land, but believe will &C
cept your proposition" and he will imme-
diately make me q deed. Next day he
will come to me and say he is sick of the
sale and will offer me $4,000 for the
offer and give him back his farm.
l will invest my $25, 900 in Cash.
mere goats and make an enormous
profit on them. When dispose of my
goats will be worth $4,000. l will then
commence shaving good notes, and the
community will soon be startled with the
Intelligence that / am worth 800, 900.
About this time will be elected Presi-
dent of = Historical Society. 1 will take
this 500, 900 and go to sparsely-settled
country and buy large amount of land.
will lay out town on the land and
call it Nineveh, because Jonah was three
days in the whales belly. l will sell
great many town lots, and l will judi
bound in Turkey as a prize to anyone
buying two lots; the town will build up
very rapidly and will become railroad
junction; the railroads will make my
land very valuable, and l will sell it in
small tracts to poor men, giving them
bond for a deed, providing for a forfeit
ure on the slightest failure on their part.
will sell out all my land and town lots
finally, and l will be worth half mill
ion. / will then be elected to the State
Senate, and will be Chairman of the Ju
dietary Committee, also of the Commit
tee on Education and Federal Relations.
About this time will buy township of
land, and will give employment to 1000
hands. OF course l will build an elegant
and palatial country residence. l will
carry on farming operations for five years
very extensively, and, at the end of that
time, will sell my township for double
what gave for it. l will then be a
millionaire. The degree of LII. d. will
be conferred upon me, and l will be
twice chosen to represent my people in
the lower house of Congress. | will
be Chairman of the Ways and
Means Committee, and the leader
of the House. When l rise to speak
the first time everybody in the chamber
will turn pale and there will be profound
silence. After leaving Congress 1 will
invest my money in railroad stocks, and
in five years l will be worth the sum of
$50, DOC. 600. / will go out to California
for my health and will very wisely in
vest all my money in mining stocks;
stocks will rise in such panner as to
amaze everybody; new and
deposits of gold and silver
will be found; bonanzas will be discOv-
cred and will soon find myself the rich
est man in the world. l will be the first
Millionaire in the country. The Presl-
dent will send me an autograph letter
cOngratulating me and rendering me the
portfolio ofthe Secretary of the Treasury.
will then go to Europe and visit all the
old towns and ruins and cathedrals, the
Tower of Pisa, the ruins of Herculaneum
and Pompeii, and all the other curiosi-
ties. will visit the Bending Pillars of
Staffa and write a scientific article about
them, which will be printed in Harper's
Magazine, with illustrations. After re-
cuperating will come home ready for