The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1875-04-24
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
Nothing recalls to the mind OF The married
man the JOYS Of his single life so vividly as to
6nd that the baby has been eating crackers in
the bed.
A Chicago preacher has locked himself up in
the fourth story Gnd draws his meals up with
bed deord. He says they can't get up any slam
ders about him
a Nevada paper says that owing to the incur
siOns Of the chineh bug last year the two great
staples Of the State at present are red-haired
girls and cordwOOd.
A Long Island man has gone to sea with his
soul stirred by the story Of EnOeh Arden. He
wants 70 be wrecked and come home and find his
wife married to another man.
When that bIushing San Francisco bride
showed the check for 81 900 900 TO her husband,
he burst into tears and exclaimed, with intense
fervOr, 90 And even this shall not separate US :"
COyington lady started Matrimonial
marry herself to the frst man that applied,
which proceeding brought the institution to an
end.
g" a home without children is like Heaven
without angels says a deacon. We just want
to have him get out Of bed four times a night
for a month, to keep a baby's legs covered up
And now the head OF the family, returning
from his " club " through the sharp midnight
air, gently rolls his sleeping spouse over to the
cold side Of the bed and sinks softly into the
vacated spot with sigh of thankfulness.
A Montana editor bemOans the calamities of
1874 in the following strain - First, that
Beeeher business, then the grasshoppers, then the
Democratic victories, and now increased tax
on whisky. What is this poor country coming
to?f'
Clara Morris threatens to be the cause Of some
blood-sping in San FranciscO. A gentleman by
the name Of Harriott has been haunting the ap-
prOaches TO n certain newspaper ONCE in that
city, looking for the editor who calls his Clara
Z" Blonde BONANZA"
Sarah Jones, Of Bridgeport, received an offer
Of marriage and said 4" no." suppOsing her lover
would press his suit. He did mt however, but
cuolly walked of home, and the next day letter
came TO him from the maiden saying that since
he was 50 very determined" she would marry
him. Her qaick wit saved her from broken
heart.
=" No, Joe, no." said a man Of principle and
compassion, with his teeth chattering he leaned
agained the bar; a. no hot Scotch for me. I
c0ukint swallow il while hundreds Of wretched
people are freezing Mt this moment. Gimme
whisky-sour and plenty Of ice. God pity The
poor"
An old maid don't know what il Is to bend
over the children's little white bed, softly pat
their curly heads, and hear one Of them ,growI
out - Now, then, sam, keep your paws of'n
me, or III bat you in the eye"
MIsuSDEzsrASDrxa.-O LADY. Can you
tell ne, my good man, where L can End Mr..
Jones7" Pat" Sure, ma am, expect il would
be at MS house ye would find him Lady
- Does be live anywhere in the street here2'
Pat Sure, no, indade it's not for the likes
Of him to be living in the street at all" Lady
-'' You stupid fellow, mean what number does
his family stop at?'' Pat Now, ma am, you
have me he has six boys and four girls already,
but whether he mnaes TO stop at that number
-'' LADY Oh. you blOckheadP' Exit old
lady in tremOr OF Indignation /
MExNoSrrE GosPEL.-One Of the leading elders
Of the MennOnites, thirty years ago, was one
Miller, n man Of immense strength. Passing
crowd Of idlers at the court house he was stopped
with the question - Miller, they say 1T one
smites a Mennonite on the right cheek he will
turn the other - Is that SOP - That true
The auestioner here gave him q smart blow on
the cheek when Miller, turning the other cheek,
had 10 duplicated. This raised great laugh as
the fellow turned away. "Stop, my friend,
said Miller; a. IL you had read a little further
YOU would have found another passage that we
also hold by with the measure that ye mete
unto others il shall be meted TO you again, and
heaping FULL and picking him up bodily fairly
thrashed the wall with him --
VERY RE4ARKABLE.-'s John Paul > thinks
that one OF the most surprrsfng things about
sn,ritualism is the roundabout way IN which
everv one seeks to explain very simple occurren-
ces SOmethiug thar the cOmmOnest sort Of a
man can do without exeIting applause, becomes
wonderful When spirit - Is set up as the per
former For instance, young ladies have assured
ms that while sitting in dark circles they felt their
hands squeezed and would swear that somebody
Kissed them on their mouth. They would tell 1t,
too. with their eyes wide open as saucers, and
their iute witches standing end with surprise,
"A though the possibility Of such demonstrations
on this earth Of ours had never before entered
their thought
4 HARDWARE STORE IN BED.-The Burlington
Qowal Halrkcye man says the other night man
Ebo lives out on Columbia street was kepE down
town by business until q very late hour, and bis
wife. knowing. how cold he would be when ne
got home, put an iron on the stove, and when
She heard him open the gate she jumped up, and
hurriedly wrapping the iron IN piece ot nannei,
ebueIsed it into bed for him to VAIN his great
gect bv. The man was cold, and taciturn, and
cross. He erawIed into bed with grOan. and
shuddered with cold ~ he stretched himself out
Then ne gave a yea. that shook the roof, and
sereamsd fre and waltzed out on the hoor ana
around the room in the lark, filing the darkness
with wild uoEanity. Wien bis wife lighted the
Iamp thew discovered beautiful photograph OF
sadiron on that mans foot, and is was found that
the flannel had somehow got on the fOOt-warmer-
TrL- -. :. ehak hareafke-- III he must sleep