The Findlay Jeffersonian. [volume] (Findlay, Hancock County, Ohio) 1870-1881, 1875-05-07
= coFFIH DEALER WHO WANTED
a notice.

puff"
He was a tall, slender man, had face
which hadn't smiled since 1912. and his
neck was embraced by white eravat
and his hands were thrust into black
gloves.
I've got a new hearse, a new stock Of
collins, and want local notice, "he con-
tinued, as he sat down and sighed, as if
ready to screw coffin lid down.
My dear sir, " replied the man in the
corner, 'Hrve met you at great many
funerals, and your general bearing has
created n favorable impression. You
sigh with the sighers, grieve with the
grievers, and ON extra occasions you can
shed tears of sorrow, even though you
know you can't get ten per cent. of your
bill under six months"
Yes" sighed the undertaken, instinct
lively measuring the length of the table
with his eye, and wondering to himself
why editors tables weren't covered with
Grape, with rows OF coffin nails around
the edges.
death is very solemn, continued the
man in the corner; ''but still it is an oc-
casion when one can appreciate a neat
thing. 'Tve seen you rub your knuek-
les against door posts, and never change
cOuntenance; I've seen you listen to eu-
logies on men who owed you for twenty
years before their death, and you looked
even more solemn SkRn tie bereaved
widow; I've seen yotpSebl your hearse
up TO a doorin such an easy, quiet way,
that it robbed death of half its terrors.
All this have seen and appreciated, but
couldn't write a puff for you"
''Why nOtn he demanded.
For many reasons. Now you have a
new hearse Could go Oh and say:
''Mr. Sackeloth, tue genial undertaken,
has just received fine new hearse, and
we hope that our citizens will endeavor
to bestow upon it the patronage such
enterprise deserves. 1t rides easy, is
handsomely finished, and those who try
it once will want no more. Could do
that"
mo, not very WELL"
"Of course l couldn't. You can call a
grocer or a dry goods man genial friend
and its all right; but you aren't genial
can't be. It's your business to be solemn.
If you could be even more solemn than
you are it would be money in your pock
et.n
"That's so" he said, signing heavily.
'If it was an omnibus or a coal cart,
or a wheelbarrow, l could go on and
write chapter on each separate spoke,
but it isn't, you see.
He leaned back and sighed again.
"And as to your cofIins, they are doubt
less nice collins, and your prices are, per
hAps, reasonable, but could go on and
say: ''Ir. Saekeloth, the undertaken,
has just received his new style of spring
collins, all sizes, and is now prepared to
see rs many Of his old customers as want
something handsome and durable, at a
moderate price? Could | say that. ?"
Another sigh.
II couldn't say that you were holding
clearing out sale, in order to get ready
for the spring trade, or that, for the sake
| OF increasing your patronage, you had
| decided to present each customer with a
chrome. | couldn't say that you were
preparing and repainting, and had the
most attractive coffin shop in the city. 1t
wouldn't do to hope that people would
| patronize you, or to say that all orders
sent 10y mail would be promptly filed,
and that your motto was Quick sales
and small profits""
He put on the look OF Il tombstone and
made no reply.
''You see, if you had stoves to sell, or
dealt in mackerel, or sold fishing tackle,
everything would be lovely. You are an
undertaI1er-solemn, sedate, mOurnful.
You revel in Grape, and YOU never pass
a black-walnut door without thinking
how much good coffin lumber was reek-
lessly wasted. The tolling bell is music
to you, and the City-hall flag at half
mast is fat on your ribs. We'd like to
oblige you, but you see how it is"
Eyes, | see, he said, and formed in
procession and moved down stairs, look
ing around now and then to see if the
bearers were just thirty-fou- feet behind
the official clergyman's carriage.
| rToIt-fnrr nf
spelling and writing, the New York Her.
all says: Bad writing is productive OF
cursing, and who can tell how much
Horace Greeley, Rufus ChOate and Colo
mel FornY, public men with extensive
correspondence, have done to make
swearing a national vieel Every letter
these great statesmen wrote went forth
as an evil one to promote profanity.
Colonel Forney, on the occasion OF one
OF Mr.. Choate's great speeches, wrote
him complimentary letter, i'll which
he said, in his poetical ways: ''You
sum an heathen heaven in yourself, and
top higlI-crowned Olympus" Mr. Choate
read the sentence thus: ''You seem
an heathen in heaven, you wretch, at a
hy blown pumbus," " and in fit Of anger
wrote n most abusive reply, which Colo.
mel Forney still keep in his album as q
cordial invitation TO dinner.
| ~
\ LESSON IN PRoNUNCIATIoS.- How
many can pronounce the words in til,
following ''test" eorreetlyl It was frs
published by the teachers OF Toledo:
1. \ courier from st. Louis, an Italian
with italics, began an address or recita
ton rs to the misehievous national finan