Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1875-04-09
HUMOR.

BISHOP AMEs tells us a story Of a man
who said to his chattle ''Pompey, hear
you are a great preacher. y Yes, massa,de
Lord do help me powerful sometimes
s'Well, Pompey. don't you think the ne
groes steal little things on tie ,planta-
tion?"
'sI'se mighty fraid they does, massa."
"Then, Pompey, want you to preach a
sermon to the negroes against stealing"
After brief reflection. Pompey replied
.sYou see, massa, dat wouldn't never do
cause 'twould trow such GOODNESS over
de meetin'.''
One of the boys just before returning to
Cornell the other day, sent young lady
friend of his cake of Subin's finest toilet
soap, with request that she would draw
no inference in receiving such gift. The
next day the young man was somewhat as
tonished when he received a letter from
the yonng lady containing the present OF a
tooth comb, with the request that he
would draw no inference therefrom.
The Editors Bible.-A Western editor
had Bible sent to him by some one WHO
thought he needed it, probably, and, think
ing it new book sent in for notice and
review, and proceed to do it justice in the
usua. way The. story is somewhat dis
connected, but contains many sensational
passages, and will on the whole, be found
quite interesting he said.
A theatrical company was doing in
special car in silence, when the train stop
ped and the brakeman yelled Elizabeth. >
A ballet-girl sprang to her feet, half
asleep and cried ''Where's Beecher?" and
then hid her face amid the roars. Of laugh
ter which followed the unfortunate asso
citation of names.
A wag brought a horse driven by ayoung
man, to stop in the street, by the word
s.woa,'' and then said to the driver: ''that :
a fine horse you have there. - ''Ies," an
swered the young man; "but he has on e
fault he was formerly owned by a butcher
and ALWAYS stops when he hears calf
bleat.
A burly negro trudging along the street
with heavy trunk, was accosted by one
IF our police and asked where he was go
ing. He promptly replied, "At de place
wbar Use boardn7 deys a pesierin me
for money, and I'se gwine to hunt a board
in house whar dey have more respeck for
de panic.''
An old topper CHANGED to drink a glass of
water one day, for want of something
stronger. Smacking his lips and turning
to one of his companions, he remarked
ssWhv it don't taste badly. | have III.
doubt it's wholesome for females and ten
der children"
A teacher tried to calm his impetuous
pupils by telling them that Cicero says,
1.-THE pursuit Of all things should be calm
and tranquil s'He says that, does he?"
shrieked a youngster ''then all I've got
to say is that / guess he never tried to
catch a flea.
subscriber to a Southwestern newspa-
Der died recently, leaving four years SUBJ
scription unpaid. The editor appeared at
the grave and deposited in the collin palm
leaf fan. linen coat and thermome-
ter.
4 fashionable lady, meeting friend on
rho street. asked 'What is the latest
thing outs' "Well,'' replied the friend, Il
should say that my husband is, since he
,oned the Young Mems Christian Associ-
ton
Teacher-sJohn! you young scapegrace,
come here, and I'll pay you back for your
,mpudence to me yesterday" Pupil-'No,
thank you !; [ have conscientious scrupies
against taking back pay.''
A prominent Detroit Universalist some
months ago married. a red-headed widow
with four children, and last week remark
al 70 = friend, II was blind when I believ-
cd there was no hell. see now."
We know a bank which shaves it's
,,;ot;ms in the present tense, lends him in
tbe conditional mood, keeps him in the
subiunctive, and ruins him III the future.
traveller i'll the Southwest says
..oae can oct a free ride on hearse any
where IN the well settled districts Of this
state. by picking up rattlesnake.'
Mark Twain says that ''chills are a mer-
ciful nrovision of an all-wise PROV idence
TO enable the lazy to take exercise v -thout
exertion."
Two things that go off in hurfy-an
,,row dismissed by bow. and beau DIS
missed by belle.
The hest way for man to acquire me
dow Of language is to stub his toes against
A raised brick.
n is the high price of slate pencils that
is driving the saloon-keeper to the poor
A witty lady says that the reason women
oouod ssMum,'7 is because they tally so
little.
No true woman will ever marry a man
90 ta1, that she cannot reach his hair
alisery loves company, and SO does a
rsageable young lady.
waistisg sweetness-put ting your arm
about prety woman.
Never reveal yoSz secrets to relative
Cor .sblood'' will tell.
In ascending the hill may we Asest niees