The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1875-04-02
Wit and Humor.
A CRATE discovery-Coal.

n 1RAIE uiScOVery-OOals
The present day-Your birthday.
How TO signal bark-Pun dogs
tail.
A ROOM attic complaint Finding fault
with a Garrett.
To MAKE drum stick-Set it on the
head of a tar barrel.
ONE who can always get bread when
he kneads it-A baker.
WHEREvER burglar comes across q
good opening he is apt to improve it,
Why were the soothsayers of old called
augurs? Because they were such hor- .
rible bores.
LET your motto be, " Liberty or
Death, and If it comes to the pinch,
take the most of it in liberty.
Why don't the base-ballists offer q
prize mug for the championship They
have nothing but "pitchers" at present
HE who goeth it blind sitteth down
upon the bent-up pin, while the obseTv-
ing man scanneth the chair seat before
he squatteth.
A CORRESPONDENT says the reason why
sailors prefer the three-masted ships to
those with two masts is that no man can
serve two masters.
AT last accounts, the Philadelphia de-
tectives were still hard at work in the
bar-room of the Continental Hotel hunt
ing for Charlie Ross.
THERE was a room with eight corners.
In each corner sat cat /; before each cat
sat seven other cats, and ON each cats
tail sat cat. How many cats In all 2
Mr.. MUTTON, who was put off pas
senger train at Omaha, and sued the
company for damages, threatens TO lamb
some editors if they don't stop joking
about him.
"No," SAYS Smidkins, Jr., ''we are
not going to Florida, but pa has promised
to take us all over to Brooklyn some day.
It's hot enough over there, he says. -
New York Mail
"IF there is anything" remarks a
nervous old gentlems.n, which viii
agitate person, it is passing through
a crowd of small boys who have four or
five snowballs under each arm"
A CYNICAL writer says " Take a COM
pany of boys chasing butterflies, put
long-taiied coats on the boys, and turn
the butterflies into guineas, and you
have beautiful panorama OF the world" :"
A SAVING husband George, dear
don't you think it is rather extravagant
of you to eat butter with that delicious
jam 2' +" No love-economical! Same
piece of bread does for both i''-Puech.
"WHERE are you stopping, Bill2'' in
quired one seedy man of another.
" Stopping at the Russell House, was
the reply. '' Russell Housef Where is
the Russell 2" 80, you see, sleep in
blazes to get something to eat.
A KANSAS hypochondriac, meditating
upon the death of dog-fancier in his
neighborhood, gives vent to mournful
thought. 'Our great men are petering
out sort o'rapid like these times. Whisky
kills most ON 'em some tumble over
board, and 'casionally one gets hung"
A YouNasTER, while warming his hands
! over the kitchen fire was demonstrated
with by his father, who said $50 way
from the stove the weather is not cold "
The little fellow, looking up at his stern
parent demurely, replied : 50 i ain 1t heat
ing the weather I'm warming my
hands,
AN enterprising soapmaker daubed
/ the rocks all the way up the Hudson with
the appeal, ''Use Smiths Soap" Where
upon his rival, the still more enterpris-
ing Jones, after much cogitation, started
his whitewasher up the river to append
to each of Mr.. Smiths appeals I" If you
can't get Jones'"