The Portland daily press., 1875-03-12
Putting an Undertaken.

. E. "Ive taken your paper for twenty-six years,
he commenced as he reached the head of tho
stairs, "and now want puff"
He was very tall, slender man, had a face
which hadn't smiled since 1912 and his neck
were thrust into black gloves
"Pve got a new hearse, a new stock Of cof-
fins, and want local notice." he continued,
as he sat down and sighed, as if ready to screw
coffin lid down.
my dear sir" replied the man IN the corner,
I've met you at q great many funerals, and
your general bearing has created q favorable
impression. You sigh with the sighers, grieye
with the grievers, and on extra occasions You
can shed tears of sorrow, even though you
know that you can't get ten per cent. of your
bill under six months'
''Yes," sighed the undertaken, instinctiyely
measuring the table with his eye, and wonder
ing to himself why editors tables weren't COW
cred with Grape, with rows of cofln-nails
around the edges.
death is a very solemn thing" continued
the man in the corner; "but still it is an occas-
sion when one can appreciate neat thing. I've
seee you rub your knuckles against door posts
and never change cOuntenancei I've seen you
listen to eulogies on men who owed you for
twenty years before their death, and you looked
even more solemn than the bereaved widow;
I've seen you back your hearse up 10 door in
such an easy quiet way that it robbed death of
half its terrors. All this have seen and APP
preciated, but couldn't write puff for you"
"Wby not?" he demanded.
"For many reason. Now you have o Few
hearse. Could go on and say: "Mr. Sack
cloth, the genial undertaken, has just received
fine new hearse, and We hope that our citi-
zers will endeavor to bestow upon it the pat
ronage such enterprise deserves. 1t rides easy
is handsomely finished, and those who try 10
once will want no otheK Gould say thaty'
"No, not very we'll" I....-
"Of course couldn't. You can call gro
Ger or q dry goods man genial friend aud
it's all right, but you aren't genial-you can't
be. It's your business to be even more solemR
than you are, it would be money in your
pocket"
"That's so," he said. sghing heavily.
'If it was an omnibus, or coal cart, or o
wheelbarrow, L could go ON and write a chap
ter on every separate spoke, but it isn't, YOU
see."
He leaned back and sighed again.
sand as to your cofins, they are doubtless
nice coffins, and your prices are probably
reasonable, but could 1 go on and say: Mr..
Sackcloth, the undertaken, has just received
his new styles in spring coffins, at sizes, and
is now prepared to see as many Of his old GUS
TONERS as will want something handsome and
durable at moderate prices? Could 1 say
thatY
Another sigh.
II could not say that you were holding q
clearing out sale in order to get ready for the
spring sale, or that for the sake of increasing
your patronage you had decided to present
each customer with q chrome. 1 couldn't say
that you were repairing and repainting, and
had the most attractive shop in Detroit. 1t
wouldn't do to hope that people would patro-
nize you, or to say that all orders sent in by
mail would be promptly filled, and that your
motto was Quick sales and small profitsP"
He put on the look of tombstone and
made no reply.
"You see, if you had stoves to sell, or dealt
in mackerel, or sold fishing tackle, everything
would be lovely. You are an undertaken, SOL
emn, sedate, mournful. You revel in Grape,
and you never pass a black walnut door with
out thinking how much good coffin lumber was
recklessly wasted. The tolling bell is music to
ycu. and the CITY hall flag at half mast is fat
on your ribs. We'd like TO oblise you, but you
zee how it is.
"Yes, 1 see,".he sighed, and he formed q
procession and moved down stairs, looking
around now and then to see il the hearse was
lust thirty four feet behind the officiating cler-
gyman's carriage. Free Press.