The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1875-05-28
AS HE WAS,

IN. Quad" gets off the following in til,
Detroit Free Press:
AS HE WAS.
John Cain was a quiet, unobtrusive cit
izen. He didn't long for fame and re-
nown, and he didn't care two cents wheth
er this great and glorious country wa,
ruled by one-horse Republican or a two
| horse Democrat.
HIS VIRTUES.
He had pew in church, gave sixteen
| ounces for pound, and when q man look.
| ed him square in the eye, Mr.. Cain never
took back seat. He was home at rea.
sonable hour in the evening, never took
part in the discussion, SIS lager healthy r.
and many man wished that his life roll
ed on, as evenly and peacefully as John
Gains.
But, ALAS
the tempter came. In an evil hour John
Cain allowed the politicians to get after
him and to surround him. They said he
was the strongest man in the county that
he could scoop out of his boots any man
set up in opposition; that his virtues were
many, and his faults 100000; that it was
his duty to come out and take q nomina-
ton, in order that this pure and incorrupt-
IDLE form of government be maintained
pure and incorruptible. All this and much
more they told him, and John Cain
BECAME PUFFED UP.
1t surprised him some to think that he
held his peaceful way along for forty odd
years, like a knot hole in barn door.
without any one having discovered what
heap of fellow he was, but he conclud-
ell that there was new era in politics,
and that it was all right.
THEY BAMBooZLED HIM.
The politicians covered John Cain with
soft soap. They told him that the can
vass shouldn't cost him q red, and that he
could still retire at s o'clock every even
ing, and rest assured that his interests
would be properly cared for 1t was to
be still hunt-a very quiet election, and
he would hardly know what was going on.
John was an honest, unsuspecting idiot,
and he swallowed their words as the con-
iiding fish absorbs the baited hook.
THE PLOT THIcKENs.
John Cain was duly nominated, and the
band came out and serenaded him. With
the band came several hundred electors,
who 1illed the Cain mansion to overflow
ing spit tobacco all over the house, ate
and drank all they could find, broke down
the gate, and went off with three cheers
for John Cain.
WANTED SUGAR.
Before the canvass was ten DAYS old,
half a-dozen men called on Cain and gent
ly limited that he must come down with
the sugar" He didn't even know what
sugar" was until they explained. They
wanted money to raise pole, to buy beer,
to get slips printed, and to do fifty other
things with, all for his particular benefit,
and he had to hand out money.
THE COMBAT DEEpENs.
In the course of another week they drew
Cain out to make speech at ward meet.
ing. He tried to claw of, but they told
him that the opposing candidate would
run him out of sight if he didn't come out,
and he went out. When he got through
speaking the crowd drank at his expense,
and MIR. Cain was astonished at the way
the liquor went down, and more astonish-
ed at the way the bill footed up. He
didn't reach home until midnight, and for
the first time in his life he was going to
bed with his boots on. His wife couldn't
speak to him, the hired girl left the house
to save her character, and John Cain wish
ed the politicians had let him alone.
INCREASE OF CURRENCY.
gers at him, and whispered sugar They
wanted money to buy some doubtful votes
and to hire four-horse teams, and to mail
his slips, and he had to come down. He
hesitated about it, but they told him that
and that acted as a spur.
WARM HEARTED FRIENDS.
There was hardly night that from IA
to 240 friends did not call on Mr.. Cain to
inform him as to the prospect They
drank up the currant wine Mrs. Cain had
laid by for sickness, emptied her preserve
jars, and there wasn't morning that she
and peck of mud. They all told Cain
that he could beat the other man SO far
out of sight that it would take carrier
pigeon to find him, and he couldn't very
well refuse to go over to the corner gro
Gerry ana "set EN- up Ior the boys.
THE CRISIS
finally came. On the eve of the election,
Mr.. Gains friends called for sugar again,
and he had to sugar 'em. A big crowd
called to warn him that he would certainly
be elected, and the saloon bill was $2S
more. Thirteen or fourteen men shook
hands with his wife, ahundred more shook
hands with him, and he had to get up and
declare that he didn't favor woman's rights
and that he did; that he was down on
whisky, and yet loved it as beverage
that he wanted the currency inflated, and
yet favored specie payments that he ia
vored the civil rights bill, and yet didn't
and in his brief speech Mrs. Cain counted
twenty-seven straight lies, besides the eva
sions-Mr. Cain wanted to hold popular
views, and he had to be on all sides at
| once. &