Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1875-07-13
FACETI1E.
A pair Of ftights-Two drunkards.

FACETI4E.
pair Of tights-Two drunkards.
A-veil. able space-A woman's face
For music lovers-a Patti on Gris plate.
Abraham was the first sick man. He had Ha-
gar in the wilderness.
The way for desoate old bachelor to
secure better quarters is to take better
half.
Boys have divers reasons for hookeyiDg from
school just now II you doubt it examine their
hair.
The children in Florida say they live on sweet
potatoes in the summer, and on strangers in the
winter.
Il wouder what makes my eyes so weak, !"
said a fop to gentlemen They are in a
weak place, responded the latter.
How odd it is" said Pat, as he trudged
along on foot, one hot sultry day, that a
man never msets cart goiug the same way
he is ~
''Sir, said an old judge to young lawyer,
you would do we'll to pluck some of the eath-
erS from the wings of you immagiuatou and
stick them 10 the tail of your Judgment"
A young man in California began to read a
paragraph about mioe TO his sweetheart, COM
rupted him with II don't care if do, john"
AD eccentric old fellow, who lives alongside
OF graveyard, was asked fit was not an uu-
pleasant location. No. said he, Il never
jlued places 10 my lite with set of neighbors
that minded their own business SO stiddy as
they do"
A boy who had stolen some apples was for
given Tor the rather ingenious manner in which
he excused himself. The schoolmaster asking
him what he had to say for himself, the urchin
kDoW how he got them; and DOW they re mine,
aud he dou't know how got them"
An elderly gentleman, returning home from
church, began to extol the merits Of the SER
mon TO his son. Said he: Jack, have heard
one Of the most delightful sermons ever dev-
cred before Christian socie'y. 1t carried me
dodge in?' replied Jack; ~ ou will never have
another such chance."
Very stern parent iodeed-Come here, sir |!
W hat Is this complaint the schoolmaster has
made against you2" Much injured youth
Hughes bent pin, and | ouly Just left it on
the teachers chair for him to look at, and he
came in without his specs and sat right down
on the pin, and now be wants to blame me
for it.
A Virginia paper announces the marriage of
Miss Jaue Lemon to Mr. Ebcnezer Sweet;
whereupon somebody perpetrates the follow
Ing:
How happy the extremes do meet
In Jane and Ebenezer;
She's 20 longer sour but sweet,
And he's Lemon squeczer u
q m nm
ble sister began the hymn
My soul be Oh thy guard;
Ten thousand foes arise"
She began in shrl quavers, but it was pitched
too high. ''Ten thousand-ten thousand" she
cried converted stock broker present.
1t never pays to fret and grow
When fortune seems our foe;
The better bred will push ahead
Aud strike the braver blow.
For luck is work
And those who shirk
Should not lament their doom,
But yield the play
And clear the way,
That better men have room
The wife OF the late Professor Agassiz rose
one morning and proceeded, according to Gus
tom, TO put 90 her stockings and shoes. At a
certain stage of this process little scream at
tracted MIR. Agassz' attention, and not hav-
Ing yet risen, he leaned aDxlousy upon his
elbow, iDqulring what was the matter why,
Professor, little snake has just crawled OUT of
my boot, said she. "OAIy one, my dear p
returned the Professor, calmly lying down
again; there should have been three" He
had put them there to keep them warm.