Knoxville journal. [volume] (Knoxville, Iowa) 1874-1986, 1875-11-04
Perkins Remedies.

poverty by inventing patent medicine.
After some reflection he concluded that
tho two most frequent and most unpopular
forms OF infrmity were badness OF head
| and t0rpjdity OF the liver, and he selected
the compounds recommended ny me
| pharmacopteia as the remedies which he
would sell 10 the public. One he called
. Perkins Hair Vigor'' and the other
+" Perkins Liver Regulator" Procuring
| a large number Of fancy bottles and gaudy
| labels. he bottled the medicines and ad'
yerised them extensively, with certificates
OF imaginary cures, which were written
out for him by one Of the editors OF The
| drgus whose liver was active and whose
| hair was abundant.
II n not al all unlikely that Perkins
would have achieved success with his en-
terprise but for one very unfortunate CIR
cumstance. He was totally unfamiliar
| with the preparations, excepting In 30 lar
| IA the pbarmacopGiai instructed him ana,
~ III luck would have IL, in putting them
| up he got the labels Of the liver regulator
| on the hair.vigor bottles and the labels of
the latter on the bottles containing the
| former, OF course the results were appaii.
| ing. and IA Mr. Perkins had requested
| the afflicted ~ inform him Of the benefits
derived from applying the remedies he
| had not sold more than few hundred
bottles before he began TO hear from the
| purchasers
One day as he was coming out Of his
| office he observed a man sitting on the
| fire plug with shotgun in his hand and
thunder upon his brow. The man was
| bare. headed, and his scalp was covered
| with shiny substance Of some KIND
| When he saw Perkins he emptied one
| load of bird shot into the Inventors legs,
and he was about 10 give him the contents
| Of the other barrel when Perkins hobbled
INTO the office and shut the door. The
man pursued him and tried 70 break In
| the door with the butt Of the gun. He
failed, and Perkins asked him what he
meant by such murdcrons conduct.
"You come out here, and III show you
what | mean, you sc0nndrel," said the
man. You step out here for minute
and III blow the head oil Of you for sell.
| ing me hair yigor that's gummed my
head up 80 that | can't wear hat and
can't sleep without sticking TO the pillow
case. Turned my scalp all green and
pink, too. You put your head out that
door and I'll give you more yigor than
you want, you IDIOT. expectt that stun IL
soak In and kill me-"
Then the man took his seat again on
the fire. plug, and alter reloading the bar,
rel of his gun put on fresh cap and
waited. Mr.. Perkins remained inside and
sent boy out the back way for the mail.
The first letter he opened was from a
woman, who wrote:
"My husband look one dose of your
liver regulator and Immediately went
into spasms lie has had tits every hour
| for four days. As soon as he dies | am
coming on 10 kill the iiend who poisoned
him"
A clergyman in Smyrna wrote 10 ask
what were the ingredients OF the liver
regulator. He feared something was
wrong, because his aunt had taken the
medicine only twice when she began TO
roll over on the floor and howl In the most
alarming manner, and she had been In a
comatosc condition for fifteen hours.
A man named johnson dropped u line
TO say that alter applying the hair yigor 10
his scalp he had leaned his head against
the back Of u chair and II had now been
In that position two days He feared that
he would never be released unless he cut
up the chair and wore the piece perma-
nently ON his head. lie was coming up
10 see Mr.. Perkins In reference to the mat.
ter when he got loose, and he was going
to bring his dog with him.
A Mr.. Wilson said that his boy had put
some Of the vigor on his face In order 10
induce the growth OF u mustache, ana TINT
at the present moment that boys upper
| lip was glued fast 10 the tip Of the boy
nose, and his countenance looked as II II
had been coated with green yarnish. Mrs,
Martin wrote from Dover that she had
shavcd her poodle too close, and had NJ
tempted to cure him by applying the Wig.
or. Thereupon the dog bad gone mad
bitten two children and eaten the cat and
poll.parrot.
There were about forty other letters
giving the details OF sundfy other cases of
awful suffering, and breathing threaten.
ings and slaughter against Mr.. Perkins.
Just IN Mr.. Perkins was finishing these
epistics Jim Woodley came rushing In
through the back door, breathless. aud ex-
! claimed:
"By George, Aleck, you better get over
the fence and leave townquick w you can
There's thunder 10 pay about those patent
medicines OF yours, Old Mrs. Gridley's
just gone up on that liver regulator, alter
being In commissions for week. Ihomp.
SON hired girl Is lying at the last gasp I,
four OF the browns have got the awiulest.
looking heads you ever see from the hair
vIgor, and about dozen other people are
up ut the Sheriifs office taxing out war
rants for your arrest. The people are
taking OF mobhing you and the crowd out
here ON the pavement are cheering n
green headed imam with gun, who says
hes going To bang the liver out OF you
SOS ltll be beyond regulating Now you
take my advice and snip. ltll be sudden
death 10 stay here. Meanderl leayel that's
your only chance"
Then Mr., Perkins got over the fence
and made straight streak Tor the State
| line and an hour later the mob Quilted his
office and smashed the entire stock OF
remedies. Perkins Is Ia Canada now
working in saw.mill. lie Is convinced
that there ~ no money Tor him in the
business of relieving human suileriDg.--
kar adeler, IN ~. Z. WeeAay.
|
1 n...,.,, n, m ,oa fila as, orfnat ,a,,a =, q