Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1875-05-27
4nt1oruns department.
HOW TO ENJOY FUNERALS.

hair combed down fiat, and her spectacles ed
Justed to gossip range, when she suddenly rose,
and said
"Mrs: Moody, be calm. Where do you
keep the camphor botte?"
"Why" asked the surprised Mrs. Moody.
because they are bringing your husband
through the gate on board I think he's
mashed dead, but be calm about it! I'll stay
right here and see to things!"
Mrs. Moody threw up her arms and fell
down in dead faint; and Mrs. Stun opened
the door as the men laid the body on the
porch.
rs he dead ?" she asked, in an under tone.
IL think SO" answered one of the men; "the
doctor'll be here in minute"
The doctor came up, looked at the victim,
and said life had fled, adding:
ellis back and four or FIVE ribs are brok-
en-"
"That's sensible, that is," said Mrs. Stun,
gazing at the doctor in admiration. "Some
physicians would have said that his verterbre
was mortally wounded, and would have gone
on to talk about the larynx,' the arteries
the optic nerves and the diagnosis Ifhe's
dead it'll be some satisfaction to know what
he died Of Well, lug in the body and send
boy after an undertaken"
The men carried the body through to bed
room, and Mrs. Stun went back to Mrs.
Moody, who had revived and was wailing
and lamenting
don't, JuIia-don't take on so," contin-
ued Mrs. Stun. "Ofcourse you feel badly,
and this interferes with taking up carpets
and cleaning house, but it's pleasant wealth
gor ~ ~
look as natural as life."
"Oh My poor, poor, husband, walled Mrs.
Moody.
"He was good husband, I'll swear to
that" continued Mrs. Stun, "but he was
dreadfully careless to let a house fall on him.
Be calm, Mrs. Moody! I've sent for one
Of the best undertakers in Detroit, and you'll
be surprised at the way he'll fix up the
deceased"
When the undertaken came in, Mrs. Stun
shook hands and said that death was sure to
overtake every living thing sooner or later.
She mentioned the kind of coffin she wanted the
hour for the funeral and held the end of his
tape line while he measured the body.
Several other neighbors came in and she
orderd them around, and, soon had everything
working smoothly. The widow was sent to
her room to weep out her grief, doors and
windows were opened, and as Mrs. Stun
built up good baking fire, she said:
"Now, then, we want pie and cake and sauce
and raised biscuit and floating islands. He'll
have watchers and the watchers must have
plenty to cal"
When the baking had been finished, the
coffin and the undertaken arrived, and the
body was placed in its receptacle. Mrs. Stun
agreed with the undertaken that the face wore
natural expression, and when he was going
away she said:
"Be around on time! Don't put in any
second-cass hacks, and don't have any hitch
in the proceedings at the grave"
From that hour until two o'clock of the
second day thereafter she had full charge.
The widow was provided with black bon
net, crepe shaw, etc. the watchers found
plenty to eat a minister was sent for, eigh-
teen chairs were brought from the neighbors,
and everything moved along like clockwork
"You must bear up" she kept saying to
the widow "House-cleaning must be done
that back yard must be raked off, the pen
stock must be thawed out, and you haven't
time to sit down and grieve. His life was
insured, and we'll 60 down next week and
select some lovely mourning goods"
Everybody who attended said they never
saw funeral pass off so smoothly, and when
the hack had landed the widow and Mrs.
Stun at the door again, Mrs. Stun asked:
"Now, didn't you really enjoy the ride, after
allY
And the widow said she wouldn't have be-
lieved that she could have stood it so well.-
Detroit Free Press.
LATELY MARRIED-They were married in
the morning, and Immediately stepped aboard
the cars for bridal tour to San Francisco.
They attracted considerable attention on the
way by their honeymoon ways, and created
good deal Of fun among the goodly number Of
ladies and gentlemen who were passengers.
In due time the cars entered a tunnel, and all
for few moments were enveloped in darkness.
All too soon the cars emerged into the broad
glare of the MONDAY sun, and our loving
bride and groom were discovered locked in
in each others arms, and exchanging kisses
at rate seldom seen in public. The passen.
gers took in the situation in about second,
and a shout went up that nearly threw the
train from the track, and brought the coDduc-
tor to the scene on the doublequick. "Pass
it around" yelled big man who was on his
way West to get his wife, "Go back to the
tunnel" said another man to the conductor
and as the newly-made husband settled back
in his seat he was heard to say, Sarah, I
thought tunnels were longer Darn railroad
company, anyhow"
WORRIED HIM OUr.-Among the crowd
around hotel dinner-table, yesterday, we're
husband and wife from Wisconsin, going east
on the night train. She was much the
younger and more fashionable withal, while he
was like an old bear. AS they sat down she
was heard to whisper:
Remember, now, and eat with your fork"
He started off all right but pretty soon, she
caught him feeding his mouth with his knife,
and she nudged him, and whispered:
"You have forgotten use your fork"
He commenced again but it wasn't two
minutes before she had to prompt him once
more. He made still another start and
another failure and, as she whispered to him,
he threw down knife and fork. and growled:
"Now, see here, Mary it's twelve shillings
whether we ill up or 60 hungry, aud I'm
going to eat six shillings' worth, if lose a
whole set of case-knives down my throat!'
She had nothing more to say.
a@ A composer sent his card to Rossini.
The Maestro received him very kindly, and
requested him to play one of his own compost
tions. The visitor, seating himself at the
piano, played for long time, ceasing at.last