South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1875-08-06
wIT AND IIUMoR.

~A Maine girl left her clothing in
an open boat and hid herself, and when
her parents were crying and saying IL
they only had her back, they would
obey her slightest wish, she appeared and
said she wanted TO marry Jake.
~"Will you have small piece Of
light meat or small piece of the dark?'
asked Bob's uncle, as he carved the tur-
key at dinner. 81 will take a large piece
Of BOTH" answ cred Bob.
VLorenzo Day having married Miss
Martha Week, local paper comments
A Day 10 made, Week 10 lost,
But time should not COMPLAIN
Tbere'll soon be little Days enough
To make the Week again.
~When Dubuque girl expects her
beau she stops the clock
IIf you are precise man, and wish
to be certain OF what kind of an article
you are about to get, never marry a girl
named Ann, for we have the authority
Of all the grammarians for the assertion
that Ann sis an indefinite article"
II Mistress-"Lety you 90 20 evening
school, Mary? Why, L thought you
could read? "Well, ma'am, does know
my letters fus rate so longs they keep
all in q row. but just rs soon as they gifts
mixed up into words, I'm beat
VA clearinghouse fiend tells the
story that in a recent thunder-stor the
warning Of the elements was so awe-in.
spring that the hair in a butter-dish in
the pantry turned completely white dur
ing the night.
T~Whov Ioac n ,,o, Lo,,o - l,no,
his word? When no one will take it.
~"Well, Mr.. Miller" said Yankee,
proudly, to travelling Scot, as they
stood by the Falls Of Niagara, us it not
wonderful? In your country you never
saw anything like that" Like that ~
said the Scot; there's far mair won-
derfu' concern no twa miles fra whar /
was born" Indeed J! exclaimed iona
than, with an air Of supercilious skepti-
cism, "and pray what kind of concern
may it be?" ''Weel, man." replied Saw
ney. ''it's a peacock with a wooden leg"
WThe Sentinel pathetically sings:
90 'Tis sweet TO wait but oh how bitter
To wait for girl and then not git err
VSome fellow has invented cane
which can be converted into chair, or
three-legged stoolin q minutes time. He
could sell 'em for more than fifty cents
apiece if he were to still further improve
it, so that by touching spring the cane
would be instantly changed into keg
of beer-though we would not invest
in one.
tV The Iowa State Leader tells n sto-
ry of n well-known life insurance agent,
who approached Hammond, the revival
ist, on the subject of insuring his life
Hammond said that he could not afford
to turn his attention to such Temporal
ry and worldly subject, but if the agent
could insure his soul it might be worth
while talking. The agent slowly shook
his head and said it was impossible his
company did not carry any fire risks
SISTER EM.-My sister En- has got
Teller who has been coming to see her
most every night for some time. Night
before last, just to have little fun, /
went into the parlor and crawled under
the sofa, and waited there till he and En-
got settled, and just as he was asking
her if she was not willing to become his
dear partner for life, and trust to his
strong arm for protection and support.
i gave three red-hot Indian war hoops
and bumped myself up against the bot
tom of the sofa and fired an old horse
pistol L borrowed from Sam johnson,
and my gracious how that fellow Jump
ed up and scooted for the door, He
never stopped to get his hat, but went
stumbling head over heels down the door
steps. AS for En-, she was so scared
that she screeched like blue blazes, till
dad on1 n,nt har runninrr in with
nothing on but their night clothes, and
wanted to know what the matter was
But En- only yelled the louder and kept
pointing under the sofa, till dad got
down on his knees, and saw me there,
and pulled me out by the hind leg
When he got me out in the wood-shed
he wrapped me over his knee, and then
he went ut me with an old trunk strap.
and have not got over it real nicely yet
tV"Gently the dues are DER me steal
ing" as the man said when he had thr-
teen bills presented to him in one day
~ Ladies are said to be abandoning
newspaper hustles, and if anybody don't
believe it he can examine and see for
himself.
LVAt n circus, while rope walker
was going through his performance, a
boy, about twelve years old turned TO an
acquaintance of the same age and re.
marked: tom, don't you wish you
could do that?" eyes, I do" sadly re-
piled Tom, "but my folks make me go to
school and are determined that shan't
never be nobodyr'
EV The pull-back dresses are good in
wind storm. 1t is not true, however,
that they have to grease them to get
them Exchange.
EIWhen n man and woman are made
one by n clergyman, the question is
which is the one Sometimes there is n
long struggle between them before this
matter is finally settled.
IVA teacher in Port Jarvis public