The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1875-05-15
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
GALLANT" Why did you pass yesterday
without looking at me7' said beautiful woman
10 Talleyrand. % Because, madam, If I had
boxed could not have passed
May HAVE BEES.-Beecher's 9 refusal 10 kiss the
good book may have been in fulfIlment Of an
earnest resolve and promise to his wife to stop
this kissing business somewhere.
An economical farmers daughter in Massachu-
setts put or her wedding day because eggs were
up 20 forty cents n dozen, and il would take two
dozens FOR the wedding eakes and pudding.
A NEW FLaG.-The little State of Delaware
has adopted n new dag 6I6I feet, Of blue silk
with yellow fringe. IL will be used to spread
over the State 10 keep the frost of.
Nor As MucH-Babies are not named Henry
Ward ne much as they used to be, but they are
still famous for paroxysms Of true inWardness.
Disappointment-'' It's n lovely doll, dear
grandpa and grandma; but-but-Id been hop
ing il would be twins
''The proportion Of married among the insane
IL smaller than that Of the unmarried" Un-
dOubtedly- A man who has to scratch around
and make living for his wife and eleven chill
dren couldn't be insane if he wanted to. He
HASN'T time
A country paper out west thus heads its report
OF FIRE - Feast Of the Fire Fiend-The Forked
Tongued Demon Licks with its Lurid Breath
Lumber Pile Are the Scenes Of aston and
Chicago to be Repeated?-Loss, $50.
A Chicago man owns n dog which knows when
Sunday comes He knows it because on that day
his master always get down his fish pole and
leaves the house by the back door.
INsrDE.-Ned Vose used to travel around Colo
radO with n performing hear, but a great change
came one day last week, and now the bear traY-
els around alone, thinking over old times, and oc
casiOnally leaning up against a tree as n pang
shoots through his bowels. Ned is inside that
bear.
OTHEEwIsE.-There is young fellow in Port
land whose future depends upon the result OF the
Brooklyn trial, because the girl he loves has prom
ised to marry him if Beecher Is pronounced in
nocent otherwise she declares that her confidence
in man will be destroyed, and she will never wed
A paragraph is going the rounds of the news
papers 10 this effect: - There is one good wife in
the country, and every man thinks he has her"
Old Brown who is bald, and whose wife has red
hair and a wicked eye, read this and murmured,
az he meditativsly passed his hand over his head,
80 dunno! l dunno ~
An old bachelor, upon reading that " two
lovers will sit up half the night with only one
chair in the room -" said 10 could not be done
less one of them stands or sits upon the floor.
And such painful ignorance pretty plainly indi-
Gates that he has never been there.
Nor REAL SoiDrER.-A pretty good story is
told Of ono Of Governor TiIden's staff. Il is said
that when the individual referred TO first pre-
sented himself DlihtaiTs to his wife and little
daughter the latter, after gazing ut him IN wonder
for a few minutes, turned TO her mother ard eI-
claimed - Why, ma, that's not o real soldier
it's pa -
A Bridgeport husband, now travelling, received
letter from hIs wife the other day, IN which she
called him perfeck brOot." He wrote back
that If she didn't improve in her spelling before
he returned home, he would apply for divorce
and she now attends all the spelling matches
within radius Of twenty miles.
Ina Westwood, y. j., store there is " curse
boz, in which every one who utteFs an oath Is
obliged 10 deposit i've cents. The other day
diIa1idated chap entered the store and trod on q
banana skin. After recovering his equilibrium
and power OF speech, be became indebted to that
box about twenty dollars worth in less than five
minutes
As n boy was going down Porter street yester
day a woman opened the front door Of house
and called - John John JOhnl y As the boy
paid no attention to the calls, pedestrian said
10 him Here, bub, your mother is calling
you /" No, she isn't, replied the lad as he
turned the corner {" she's only fathers second
wife, and she wants 70 understand that she can't
run me tH-DefrOit Free Press.
A moor woman went to her minister asking
him to come and perform the funeral service for
her fourth husband, he having ofhciated for the
three who had previously disappeared from the
pubIic view. ''Why, Bridget, how ls this?"
asked the reverend gentleman. - All, it's mighty
had she replied. - There was never n poor
woman worn down with such q lot Of dying men
as I've BEEN
CLsnuSG Hrs RIGHTs.-A newly married
eoupIe from somewhere down the Lansing road
were riding in a Grand river car, IN Detroit, the
other day, and the groom insisted on holding the
brides hand in his big red paw. "Oh! no,
don't - she said, as she jerked her hand away
a. oh Iuv, let me hold yer hand jest for ten
minutes. - he pleaded. " Shoe Don't you see
tb,.v are looking at us?' she whispered. " They
are. eh - be replied, looking up and down the
car Wal, now, I'm going 70 put my right
arm RIGHT around ye and If any feller IN this car
dares 10 spit crooked, Ill git up and mop the
floor with him until | wear him up 20 the
sboulder blades 80 His right arm encircled her,
and the other passengers looked as solemn as II
thew we're on their way home from funeral.
A boy about twelve years old knocked at the
door of a house on Second street yesterday, and
vrben the lady appeared said '' ThereH be
how round here pretty soon TO clean your walk,
INIT don't give him the job. His names Jim
hes eross-eTed and he blows up cats with powder
spaps. I'll be here with my partner pretty soon
We 20 to Sunday school, never sass our mothers
and we're going to give half the money to the
orass-houper sufferers The job was saved for
p-s0a