Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1875-08-13
Fl UMOR


Mr.. CooLEY's THIRD.-My neighbor
Cooley married his third wife short time
ago, and the day after he came home with
her his oldest boy, the son OF LIS first wife,
came into the room where she was sitting
alone sewing. Placing his elbows OH the
table, he began to be sociable. The fol-
lowing conversation ensued:
Boy-How long d'you expect you'll
last?
Mrs. C-What on earth do you mean?
Boy-Why, ma, she held on for about
ten years, and Emma, pas second, stood it
it for three years. reckon you're good
for as much as her. hope so anyhow.
Pm kinder sick of funerals. They made
an awful fuss when they slowed away ma,
and bigger howl when they planted En-
ma. So I'd jes' as leave you'd keep round
awhile. But pa, he has his doubts about
it.
mean this instant.
Boy-Oh, nothin'! Only the day Emma
got away. pa came home from the funera :,
and when he ripped the Grape off his hat
he chucked it in the bureau darwer, and
said: clay there till 1 want you again, -
so l 'spose the old man must be expectin
you to step out some time or other. In
fact, seen him conversin' with the un-
dertaker yesterday; maxim some kinder
permanent contract with him, l reckon.
Tho old Q q ttauC ,ir1,
Mrs. C-You ought to be ashamed to
talk of your father iii that manner.
Boy-Oh, he don't mind :. it. [ often
hear the fellows jokin' him about his
wives. He likes it. He's good natured
man. Anybody can get along with him
If they understand him. All you've go;
to do is to be sweet on him, and he'll lie
like lamb. Now, Emma. she used to
get mad, heaye a plate, or coal scuttle,
most anything at him, and it used TO il
ritate him. And ma, she'd blow him u.
about $4,000 times day; both of thea
would bang me till got Disguised. And
pa didn't like it. Treat me well, give m
candy and money, and you've got pa SURF
Emma used to smack me; and when ps.
said he was opposed to it she'd 60 at him
with an umbrella, or flat-iron ana laauf
him. guess you and NELL jog along an
right together. and by the time pa gets
another wife I'll be big enough to dom,
care how many airs she puts Oh. What l
wants, time. You stick for three or four
years and then the old man carconsolidate
as much as he'sa mind to, and wont scare
worth a cent. It's only tie fair thing
anyway. Enough of this family's money
has been used on collins and toinbstones,
and we ought to knock off for while
Good mornin'. believe I'll go to school.
Mrs. Cooley did not enjoy her honeymoon
as much as she had expected Id
ler
At recent political caucus in Danburv,
one Of the members was on the floor, lim-
ing out a bold, aggressive policy for the
campaign, when little boy pulled him by
the coat, and said, III quite audible tones:
''Ma says that if you don't hurry home
with them prunes, she'll lock the door,
an you'll have to sleep in the street."
''Gentlemen," said the orator, picking
up his hat, ''I'll just step around among
the people to feel the public pulse, and
will meet you on the CORY field of battle"
Then he hurried home with the prunes.
-Danbmy NeWs.
"What are We dancing around for?" in
quired bootblack yesterday of boy ac-
quaintance whose face was covered with
smiles and who was executing double
shuttle. "Glory huff for one day." replied
the lad, jumping still higher, "Cow got
into the garden this morning and tramped
every bed fiat as yer hat, and won't have
to pull weed this summer !''-V icksburg
Herald.
At a spiritual camp meeting held at Du-
haque, Iowa, last week, m ediumist ic re-
Spouse to the question, "How long is it
going to rain?" was: 1.-THE clouds keep
pouring out water; and as long as the
clouds keep pouring out water it viii,
rain.' And then they knew all about it.
The Worcester ''Press' calls the Presi-
dent ga strawberry blonde" It isn't
often that the complexion of mans nose
can evoke such neatly turned poetical
ambiguity as that.
A hint-Darling Ito mama, who super
intends cooks operations) 81 wish was
a pudding. mama!'' "Why?" "Canse l
should have lots of sugar put into me-"
81 don't think, husband, that you are
very SMART "No, wife, but ever, body
knows that [ am awfully shrewed.''
"a cool ge''-Dodging your ice man
when he calls around for the last months
bill.