Fayette County herald. [volume] (Washington [Washington Court House], Fayette County, O. [Ohio]) 1860-1???, 1875-03-11
A Solemn Sketch--Puffng an Un-
dertaker.

dertaker.
I've taken your paper for twenty
six years. he commenced, as he reach
ed the head of the stairs, 'and row
want puff.
He was a very tall, slender maZ,had
a face which hadn't smiled since 1912,
and bis neck was embraced by a white
crayat and his hands were thrust into
black gloves.
I've got a new hearse, a new stock
of eoffins, and want local notice,
he continued as he sat down and
sighed, as if ready to screw coffin
lid down.
MY dear SIR replied the man in the
corner, s1'Ve met you at a great many
funerals, and your general bearing has
created favorable impression. You
sigh with the sighers, grieve with the
grievers, and on extra occasions you
can she'd tears of sorrow, even though
you know that you can't get ten per
cent.Iof your bill under six months
Yes sighed the undertaken, in
stinctively measuring the length. of the
table with his eye, and wondering to
himself why editors tables weren't
covered with Grape, with rows of eof-
fin nails around the edges.
Death is a very solemn thing con-
tinued the man in the corner; but
still, it is an occasion when one can
appreciate neat thing. I've seen
you rub your knuckles against door
posts and never change countenance !;
I've seen you listen to eulogies on
menwho owed you for twenty years
before their death, and you looked
even more solemn than the bereaved
widow; I've seen you back your hearse
up to the door in such an easy, quiet
way that it robbed death of half its
terrors All this have seen and ap-
preciated, but l couldn't write puff
for you"
why not?' he demanded.
'For many reasons. Now you have
new hearse. Could l go on and say !:
'Mr Sackcloth, the genial undertaken,
has Just received a fine new hearse,
and we hope that our citizens will en-
deavor to bestoW upon it the patron
age such enterprise deserves. 1t rides
easy, is handsomely finished ,and those
who try it once will want no other
Could say that ?
No, not very WELL
OF course l couldn't. You can call
a grocer or dry goods man a genial
friend and its all right, but you aren't
genial-you can't be. It's your bust
ness. to be solemn. If you could be
even more solemn than you are il
would be money in your pocket
That's so,' he said, signing heav-
lily.
IF it was an omnibus, or a coal
cart, or wheelbarrow, could go on
and write chapter on every separate
spoke, but 1t isn't, you see.'
He leaned back and sighed again.
And as to your coff1ns, they are, nc
doubt, nice coffins, and your prices are
probably reasonable, but could I &C
on and say: Mr.. Sackcloth, the under,
taker, has just received his new styles
in spring cofins, all sizes, and is nov
prepared to see as many of his ole
customers as want something hand
some and durable at moderate price
-Coufj say that pa -----
Another sigh.
i couldn't say that you were hold
ing a clearing out sale, in order to ge
ready for the Spring trade, or that, 70
the sake of increasing your patron
age, you had decided to present eacl
customer with a cromo. I couldn't sa,
that you were repairing and repaint
ing, and had the most attractive cof1il
shop in Detroit. It wouldn't do t,
hope that people would patronize you
or to say that all orders sent by mai
would be promptly filed, and tina
, your motto was Quick sales an
small profits"
He put on the look of tombston
, and made no reply.
You see, if you had stoves to sell
, or dealt in mackerel, or sold fishing
tackle, everything would be lovely :
You are an undertaker-solemn, Sc
! date, mournful You revel in erapt
and you never pass black walnu
) door without thinking how much goo
a coffin lumber was recklessly wasted
' The tolling bell is music to you, an
E the City Hall flag at half mast is fl
on your ribs. We'd like to oblig
f you, but you see how it is.
; Yes, I see,' he sighed, ,and he forme
in procession and moved down stair
, looking around now and then to 81
3 if the hearse was just thirty-four fet
$ behind the officiating clergymen's ca
d riage.--[ Detroit Free Press.