River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1875-02-26
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MOTHERS.ln.LAW.

many lnSinuatlonS thr0 yn out, and jokes
perpetrated, at the expense of the moth.
er-in-law, that the very word is beginning
TO be looked upon with contempt, and tho
indiyidurl enjoying that position as one
capable Of all kinds Of meanness and
wickedness.
This is hardly fair. A good woman
always makes a good mother-in-law, and
/ will venture to say that a troublesome
mother-in-law, if her antecedents are
looked up, will be found to have been a
troublesome wife, and one who made it
lively for her husband, if she dared to do
so, and if not, ''plied her vocation" in
creating neighborhood disturbances, rails
ing cane in the church, if she went to
church, and in making it red hot fer the
minister.
There are great many educated, re.
fined, lady mother-in-laws who are always
welcome and who are beloved and honor
ed by every member of the family to
which they belong.
Of this class | have nothing to say at
present. ] wish to speak of the diaboli.
cal mothers.in law of plebeian extraction,
mothers-in-law and devil.in-fact. Woe
to the family who has such mother-in-
law in the house or in the neighborhood.
1t is better to dwell on the house-top than
to live within hailing distance of such
mother-in.law.
Some thirty years ago, when | first
came to this western country, the settlers
in central Wisconsin had breed of hogs
which they called the centre breed, so
named because their ears were in the
middle of their backs. All in front of
their ears was head and snout, and all
back of the ears was tail. They seemed
to have been gotten up expressly for
head .cheese and souse.
The only education this breed of hogs
appeared to have was a knowledge of
square root. in which they were very pro-
ficient.
Ihave been reliably informed that the
center breed would poke hls snoot
through fence and root out the seventh
row of potatoes every time.
The center breeds is now said to have
become extinct, but my candid opinion is
that it has been absorbed by some of the
human family.
My mother-in.law looks like center
breed, and in the way of looking into all
my private affairs, and bringing to the
surface every unpleasant thing, she can
discount center breed and give him
ninety-nine out of hundred. If she
would declare open war against me, war
to the death, might defend myself. Ii
she would come at me with an axe, then
would have some reasonable excuse to
belt her over the head with a stick Of
xynaA pnf hat ain y har tx,la oh
is one of those sneaking, oiy-tongued,
hypocritical, old Williams, full of insinua-
tions that may be construed to mean al
most anything, and give her chance to
retreat after having goaded me to des'
peration.
On such occasions | am always accused
of having placed q wrong constru' ton
upon her remarks, and of course come
out second best. Such wretcnes always
preface their slanderous statements with
"they say" and that l consider the
meanest and most contemplate way of
attacking one. "They say" your hus-
baud was seen coming out Of saloon or
gambling house the night he stayed out
so late, and said he was at the lodge, or
"they say" he was seen to wink at a wo.
ulhus Il uOu DtllCNt lLy anu HOpC III Is
not true. ! can always tell when she has
been coming the centre breed over me.
On such occasions, my wife's otherwise
cheerful countenance has sad and anx-
ious appearance, and her left ear kind Of
sticks out.
Did you ever notice that when some
one had been limiting te wife, who had
always before had full confidence in her
husbands love and integrity, some dark
thing that made her heart ache for fear
1t might he true, that it made her left ear
kind of stick outi Well, | Lave, but
cannot account for it.
The very pretended kindness of such an
old alligator means mischief. When she
approaches with kindly inquiries and
smooth words, and grin spread over her
countenance like that Of laughing n.y.
ena over dead sheep, know it means
business; there is music in the air, and |
am sure to find that she has been darning
my stockings and leaving great knots on
the inside so that might as well be do
ing penance with peas in my boots as to
wear them; or she has been pairing her
corns with my best razor / wish she had
cut her toe Off, or she has put a COB Of
shoemaker's wax in my hat.
Did you ever have shoemaker's wax in
your hair Well, don't put any in; you
won't like it.
We have a woman to do odd jobs, who
my wife hires out Of pity. She has coarse,
grizzly red hair she is cross-eyed, pug.
nosed, lantern.jawed, lame in one leg, and
is very full breasted on the back lbut she
can't help it, poor thing). Well. this
woman has two children, the ug.
lest brats this side Of New York,
and would you believe it, every time they
come 10 our house, that old hippopota.
mus tells my wife that those children
look 40 much like me that she cannot
help noticing it every time she sees them
Oh, the nefarious old boa constructor
How is one to get even with such an old