The Somerset press. [volume] (Somerset, Ohio) 1873-1977, 1875-01-15
Shuckers Wouldn't Take the Coffin

Over in Wilmington, the other day, a
man named William D. Shuckers died.
1t seems that there was another man in
the city bearing precisely the same name,
and when the death was announced a
good many of his friends thought he was
dead, and they resolved to go to the fu-
neral. On the day of the funeral the
living Shuckers also thought he would
go, partly for the purpose of ascertain
ing how it felt to participate in the obse-
quies of man named VIM. d. Shuck-
ers. He took up position in the vesti-
bule, and just as the mourners were about
out, a friend of his, named Jones, saw
him. The first impulse of Jones was to
rush through the kitchen, and climb
suddenly over the back fence, but he
controlled himself, and after pohing
Shuckers in the ribs with his umbrella
to derermine positively that he was not
ghost, he remarked:
"Why, Shuckers, what on earth are
you doing here? Why amt you in
your coffin ?'
Coffin !" exclaimed Shuckers; "what
d. you mean? What do / want with a
cofin?"
"Mr. Shuckers, you know you are
dead. Why, they got up all this gorge
GUS funeral for you, all these carriages
and pall-bearers and things, and the
clergyman's just been paying you splen-
did compliments that any dead man
might be proud Of"
''But tell you Pm not dead. I'm as
much alive as you are"
"There's no use of arguing the point.
| Shuckers; the occasion is too solemn for
controversy. But il you have any con-
sideration for the feelings of your be-
reaved family, who are weeping like mad
up stairs, and for the undertaken, who is
waiting inside there with the screw
driver, you will go and get into your
coffin and behave. It's indecent to carry
on SO at your own funeral"
"Jones. my boy" said Shuckers, "you
have mistaken"
"No, Pm not mistaken. You're dead
technically dead-anyhow. 1t has beer
announced in all the papers, your rela
tions have gone into mourning, tht
Board of Trade has passed resolutions o
regret, the sepulchre has been dug, VI
there in the cemetery, and the under
taker has gone to considerable expen
to inter you comfortably. Now, go anC
lie down, won't you?"
Hang the undertaken !' said Shuck
ers. "No, I'll not go and lie down. II
see you in Kansas first"
"Now, see here, Shuckers came her
to attend your funeral, and I'm not go
ing to be baffled by any unseemly con
duet on the part of the corpse. Oh yor
needn't look at me. Either you get bacl
into that coffin, SOS the lid can be screw
ed on, and the procession can move of
or I'll put you in there by force. If in
animate remains like you can go scoot
ing round in t.-is incendiary manner
we'll soon have the cemeteries unload
ing, and the unnumbered dead crowdin
out and wanting to vote"
Then Jones called the undertaken, VIII
knocked Shuckers down with a cane
and held him until he explained, an
, until the scared undertaken recovere
/ his equanimity. which left him at tn
: bare suggestion that the corpse wa
: loose. Then the funeral moved on I
e the cemetery, and Jones went home
E while Shuckers proceeded to an alder
{ mans Office to swear out a warrar
. against the undertaken for assault an
r battery. He intends to change his nam
|; to Duykinck.