Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1875-01-22
HUMOR.
A PUZZLED CENSUS TAKER.

"A FUAAAED CENSOS 1AA ENs
BY JOHN G. SAKE.
"Got any bOys?" the Marshal said
To a lady from over the Rhine;
And the lady shook her flaxen head,
And civily answered. "Nine.''
SCOT any girls?" the Marshal said
To the lady from over the Rhine,
And again the lady shook her head,
And civilly answered, Mine
Husband, of course?" the Marshal:said
To the lady from over the Rhine;
And again she shook her flaxen head
And cvilly answered Mine
"The deuce you have!' the Marshal said
To the lady from over the Rhine;
And again she shook her faxen head,
And civilly answered "Nine'
snow what do you mean by shaking your head
And always answering Miner
Itch kann NIGHT Engish!'' civilly said
The lady from over the Rhine.
A High School girl in Chicago street.
car was recently overheard reciting her
lesson to fellow pupil in this fashion,
If the angles on the base of an isosceles tri-
angle are equal to the square of the hypo
thenuse of right-angle cone, then the rec
Angle of the diameter of circle is equal
to the square of the-ah-to the-an-is
equal to the-in-to the square-ah-to
the-ah-oh, bother; gimme that book! 1
wish pa'ud let me take dancing lessons in
stead of these. horrible squares and angles,
and hypothenuses.
Bill Smoot, Of Pike county, Ca, says:
II hereby announce myself as a candidate
for Kurener of your county I do this be-
cause believe the Sivil Rites Bill will
pass congress, and the offs will be worth
something, People has LATED at it hereto
fore; but it's going to be worth something
this time. Hope everybody won't be pitch
in into me for it,
Cook Ito fellow servant who has been
after new place)-"Well. Liza, will it
suit? Eliza-tNot if 1 knows it! Why,
when 1 got there, blest if there wasn't the
two young ladies of the 'ouse both usin'
of one piano at the same time! Well,
thinks [, this his coming down in the
world! So [ thought [ was best say good
morning!"
TERRIBLE INFANT.
recollect nurse called Ann,
Who carried me about the grass,
And one fine day fine young mani
Came up and kissed the pretty lass:
She did not make the least objection;
Thinks I, aha
When cah talk Tltell mamma
And that's my earliest recollection.
When old Sam. Crowder down in Pike,
was running for Justice of the Peace, his
wife, in anticipation of honors in store for
her, said: "My dear, when you get to be
Justice of the Peace, what will l be?''
'You," said old Sam, why, you'n be the
same old fool you always WASH
Maria is a very popular name in Illinois,
When cat climbs back fence in a WELL
populated neighbourhood and plaintively
calls out s'Mariar!,'' twenty Or thirty Win
dows are hastily thrown UP, from which
protrude twenty or thirty female heads
wildly answering ''what."
Miss kellogg says that American girls
have the sweetest voices in the world |
When one Of them puts her mouth to a
hole in the fence aud s'hollers'' to the girl |
next door to ''fetch back them crimping
irons,'' it fills the air with melody.
Prudent mother-ssDon't look at Prof.
Won Bungs so, Dora dear, or people will
l.. in uyith No,
(who is inconsolable for the loss of her
darling poodle)-"I can't help it ma; he is
the exact image Of poor Mopsy!''
An inquiry Of Chinaman at station
on the Pacific Railroad as to why coun-
trywoman was crying elected this reply:
s'Chinaman have tlee WHEY. He no likee
SO much, and he sell one for five bundled
Dolce Sabe'
Hard currency forever-A Pennsylvania
fool fooled with a pistol. Ball struck a
fve-cent piece in his waistcoat pocket, and
took to his boots instead Of his vitals A
thousand dollars in paper would not have
saved his life.
A French scientist declares that the
flesh of the Caucasian is bitter and salty,
while that of the negro is OF fine flavor,
and will keep much longer. Missionary
societies will doubtless be interested in
this fact.
A little girl four-year old created a ripple
by remarking to the teacher of her Sunday
School class: "Our dogs dead. bet the
angels was scared when they see him COM
ing up the walk. He's cross to strangers
When an Arkansas judge ascends the
bench the first thing he does is to feel I'M
der the desk for the whiskey bottle, and if
the tipstaff has forgotten to fill it, legal
proceedings don't amount to much that
day.
This is the sort of notice that an Oregon
lecturer gets fro m his village newspaper : |
"Co1. 10, Meek has shouldered his Jaw
hone. and will tell the people more than |
thew eye,~ dreamt of about mining"
"What station do you call this p? said |
man. as he CT. sWled out Of the debris of a /
railroad smash up. Devastation, repli-
ed the urbane conductor.
A converted jockey has been speaking OF
the receipts at church festival door rs
gate money.
The Boston Transcript says of a recenb
q npra tic nnrform ancp Gtha ha,1.