The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1875-03-31
Putting an Tndertaker.
From the Detroit Free Press

g 3 #
From the Detroit Free Press -.
-, i've takensyour paper for twen-
ty-six years. he commenced as he
reached the head Of the stairs. "and
enowEI want a puff 81 + 0ai 9s.3
lie was very tall, slender man.
had q face which hadn't smiled since
1912, and his neck was embraced by
d white crayat and his hands we're
thrust into black gloves. -
1 ifsFve got a 9lew hearse. a new
stock of f,cofins, and want local.
notice" he continued as he sat down
and sighed, as if ready to screw a
coffin lid down. 80 . i"'
Ha'' My dear sir. = replied the man in
the corner g I've met you at a great
many funerals, and your general
bearing has created q favorable i'm
preston. You sigh with the sigh
-ers, grieve with the grievers, and
on extra occasions you can shed tears
of sorrow, even though you know
that ycu can't get ten per cent. of
your bill under six months
2" Yes" sighed the undertaken, in
stinctively measuring the length OF
the table with his eye. and wonder
ing to himself why editors tables
weren't covered with Grape, with
rows of cofffn-nails around the edges.
"Death is a very solemn thing"
continued the man in the corner;
but still, it is an occasion when one
can appreciate a neat thing. I've
seen you rub your knuckles against
door-posts and never change coun-
tenance; I've seen you listen to eu-
lo9ies on men who owed you for
twenty years before their death, and
you looked even more solemn than
the bereaved widow I've seen you
back your hearse up to the door in
such an easy. quiet way that it rob-
bed death of half its terrors. All
this have / seen and appreciated, but
| couldn't write puff for you"
Why not?' he demanded.
. For many reasons. Now you
have a new hearse. Could I go on
and say: Mr.. Sackcloth, the genial
undertaken, has just received a fine
new hearsc, and we hope that our
citizens will endeavor to bestow up
on it the patronage such enterprise
deserves. 1t rides easy. is hand
somely finished, and those who try
it once will want no other Could
say that2'
No, not very we'll"
"Of course I couldn't. You can
! call a grocer or a dry goods man a
genial friend and it's all right, but
you aren't genial-you can't be. It's
Your business to be solemn. Ii you
could be even more solemn than you
are it world be money in your pock-
et.''
'Thats so,'' he said, sighing
heavily.
''If it was an omnibus, or a coal
cart. or wheelbarrow, | could go
on and write a chapter on every sep
arate spoke, but it isn't you see.
He leaned back and sighed again.
"And as to your eoffns, they are
doubtless nice coffins. and your prices
are probably reasonable, but could |
60 on and say: Mr.. Sackcloth, the
undertaken, has just received his
new styles in spring coffins. all sizes,
and-is now prepared to see as many
| of his old customers as want some
thing handsome and durable at a
moderate price, Could | say that?'
| Another sigh.
e couldn't say that yon were hold
ing a clearing out sale. in order to
get ready for the spring trade, or
that, for the sake of increasing your
patronage, you had decided to pre-
sent each customer with chrome.
couldn't say that you were repair
ing and re painting. and had the
most attractive coffin-shop in Detroit.
1t wouldn't do to hope chat people
would patroniZe you, or 10 say that
all lllorders sent by mail would he
promptly filed, and that your motto
was Quick sales and small profits +"
lie put on the look Of tombstone,
and made no reply.
You see, if you had stoves to
sell, or dealt in mackerel, or sold
! fishing-t ackle, everything would be
lovely. You are an undertaken
solemn. sedate, mournfuI. You revel
in Grape, and you never pass a black
walnut door without thinking how
muce good coffin lumber was. reck-
lessly wasted. The tolliug bell is
music 10 you, and the City Hall flag
at haif-mast is fat on your ribs.
Wed like to oblige you, but you see
how il is'' si
"Yes, I see,'' he sighed, and he
formed III procession and moved
down stairs, looking around now and
then to see if the hearse was just
thirty -four feet behind the officiating
clergymaD's carriage