The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1875-01-02
VARIETY.

s VARIETY.
THE BEsr WAY Sponge baths'' are recon
meBded. The best way to get one is 10 go tC
some Bathroom, take bath, and tell the prOpri
etOr to charge it.
asking q mate who Good Friday was, received the
whitening reply: " Well, you 60 home and read
your Robinson Crusoe." ....
SEEMS AWFUL tell you what, said Troy
widoWer, as he spit out Of the window, " it seems
awful when think Sary's down IN the ground
instead Of being around fixing to dry apples"
SrEALING.-A little thieying is a dangerous
part. but stealing largely Is . noble art twas
mean to rob benroost Of hen, but stealing
thousands makes US gentlemen-said q Georgia
poet. s-F az -
WHAT THKY THIsK-A strong-aru-1 Amer
lean tOothextractor has just opened his toolchest
in Rome. Persons who have seen him 60 through
the motions think that he is destined to make
a. Rome bowl"
BAD NANE.-The only excuse Tennessee man
had for shooting stranger was that the strang-
er's name was Moses Bogardus Smith. He said
nobody coold bring that name into Tennessee and
live.
WOULD KNOCK IT OUT.-Heury Godnose Bailey
is the name OF boy in Springfield, Ohio. If we
were your parient, Henry GOdnose, we'd knock
your middle name out Of you.
PRoBABLE.-" Corinne-if you are living, do
return to your friends writes somebody in the
New York Herald. They don't say what " Cor
inne is to do IL she is dead. In that case she is
probably expected to reply through the " Cor
inner" a
The DnFEREScE.-A fellow rushed into an Off
&C this morning with the interrogation, " What's
the difference between the mice that have Just
been eating my greenbacks and the Epistles of
Paul2" All present subsidized, aud he gasped,
They are both scrip-chewers," {" and then rapidly
proceeded to the door.
CANDIDATEs.-A gentleman, just from Wilcox,
Alabama, tells US that he asked an old veteran Of
that county IL there we're any candidates travel
ing around that portion Of the State. Well,
stranger, 20 tell the truth, I've got a bee-tree
hanging over the public road, and I've been try
ing to cut it for weeks, but I'm afraid of killing
a candidate with il, was the reply.
The other day after q meeting of certain IA
nous women's club in New York, the ladies
amused themselves comparing their garters, to
see which wore the handsonest; for garters OF
extravagant expense have Ately come into fash
ion, and several Of these club members theirs
cIasped with gold and precious stones. The jew
ellers are all introducing new designs for garter
clasps that promise shortly to cost as much as the
bracelets that fashion has discarded. A charm
ing woman and singer in society is said to wear
q pair of garters that cost $500.
THEY Know SUSDAY-Do wild birds and
beasts, asks ThOmes X. Beecher, know when
Sunday eomes2 In thiekly-peopled regions it is
easily conceivable that hawks, crows and wood
ehucks should come to know the day Of bells as
the day Of safety. There Are no men in the mea-
dow the horses stroll the hillside; the noise Of
the axe and the voice OF the ox-driVer are not
heard. These shy and vigilant vermin that fire.
quent old iarms no doubt know Sunday. ] have
verified it 80 often that have not shadow Of
doubt left.
HEAD OF THE FAMLY.-A gentleman who pur-
chased box Of peaches at n market recently
looked around for boy who would carry them
home, and presently he found n ragged lad seated
ON n bench eating the last remnant Of pear.
The man asked him If he wouldn't like to earn
ten cents by carrying the box to such a number
and street, and the boy promptly replied that be
wouldn't. a. Why?' queried the man: 't NhyP'
echoed the boy " because dad died the other
day, and now I'm head Of the family, and how'd
/ look Juggling peaches around? ?''
FILLED HIS CoNrRAcT-"In give you half
dollar n YOU II stop Whistling that tune" The
bov named had been whistling IS MolIie Darling
for more than an hour straight ahead, and our
nervous friend was nearly frantic. The boy
stopped, swung bis leg peDsively for moment,
rejecting whether he could afford it. " It's
bargain-gimme the money, ne SAID. Ihe gen
tIeman pulled out postal half Boy took 1t,
gave il a close examination, carefully folded it
and nut IL away and Immediately opened up in
a clear high key, - The Mulligan Guards" An
hour afterwards that boy was whistling 81 The
NuIIipan Guards" with unimpaired eheerfuness,
while our Iastidious lover of the old masters was
ravaging his attic for = shotgun.
THE COUNTRY SxooL MoN.-She is invariably
inst about twenty ythree years and six months old,
and remanes rite there for a term OF years.
She wears her hair either kut short or hanging
around in ringlets and is precise in all things
"a one of Fairbanks improved platform scales.
She never laHs out loud, and seldum even
smiIes. but when she does, she does it accordin'
10 the rules laid down by Murray for speakin' out
and uronOuncing the English language korrecktly.
She is the very essence Of double extrackted
Y7roprietv and would rather be four years behind
the fashions in her dress and bonnet than to spell
a word wrong, or parse sentence inkorrecktly.
She keeps a scrap-boOk and an album, and
would prefer rather 10 have the autogran oV some
milk and water poet than the name OV some good
man 10 a sixty days note.
The country skool nom seldom dies an old
maid she gets married generally to sum man
who haz but little edukasbun, and he thinks (as
he ought toy thar there amt another such larnt
woman as his wife on the face of the earth.
With all her precise phoOlishness, her POM
nous knowledge, her silky sentimentallsmI ana
her almost allWus mistaking manner for matter,
I respekt the country skOol mom; she taught me
mi letters she waz pashunt, when waE stupid,
sbe soothed me when / was Gracksbus, and she
often (good souD gave me Iitbit from her lun-
cheon at nOOn-time.
Nav kind heaven streg sum kind og happiness
in her pathway, for she IL paid poorly, worked
bardIv and the stepmOther to everybodys chill
dreo she never receives from the world any
thing better than the most formal respekt.-Josh
Billings.