American citizen., 1875-03-20
A Solemn sketch.

"Ive taken your paper for twenty-slx
years." he commenced. as he reached the
| head of the stairs, and now l want a
puff"
lie was a very tall, slender man, had a
face which hadn't smiled since 1912, and
his neck was embraced by white cravat
and his hands were thrust into black
gloves.
1--WE got a new hearse, a new stock OF
cOtfins and | want a local notice." he con-
tinuedk as he sat down and sighed, as if
ready to screw a cotfin-lid down.
Ny dear sir" replied the man in the
corner, " I've met you at a great many
funerals and your general bearing has
created favorable impression You
sigh with the sighers, grieve with the
grievers, and on extra occasions you can
shed tears of sorrow, even though you
know that you can't get 10 per cent. OF
your bill under six months"
Yes" sighed the undertaken instinct
lively measuring the lepe,i of the table
with his eye and wondering to himself
why editors tables weren't covered With
Grape, with rows of coffin nails around
the edges.
death is a very solemn thing" con-
tinued the man in the corner, "but still
it is an occasion when one can appreci-
ate a neat thing. I've seen you rub your
knuckles against door-posts and never
change countenance; I've seen you listen
to eulogieS on men who owed you for
twenty years before their death, and you
looked even more solemn than the be-
reaved widow; I've seen you back your
hearse up to Il door in such an easy, quiet
way that it robbed death of half its ter
rors. All this have l seen and appreci-
ated, but l couldn't write Il puff for
you"
O. Why not s> he demanded
For many reasons. Now you have a
new hearse. Could l go on and say !:
Mr.. Sackcloth, the genial undertaken,
has just received a fine new hearse, and
We hope that our citizens will endeavor
to bestow upon it the patronage such en-
terprise deserves. 1t rides easily, is
handsomely finished, and those who try
it once will want no other Could l say
that?"
" No, not very we'll"
'Of course l couldn't. You can call
grocer or drygoods man genial
friend and it's all right. but you aren't
genial-you can't be. It's your business
to be solemn. If you could be even more
solemn than you are it would be money
in your pocket"
That's So" he said, signing heavily.
eli it was an omnibus, or IA coal cart,
or a wheelbarrow, l could go on and
"iiiC oH CNCIy SpOht,
but it isn't, you see"
He leaned back and sighed again.
As to your collins, they are doubtless
nice cotfins and your prices are probably
reasonable. but could l go on and say:
Mr.. Sackcloth, the undertaken, has Just
received his new styles in spring collins,
all sizes, and is now prepared to see as
many of his old customers as want some
thing handsome and durable at moder-
ate price Could | say that?"
Another sigh.
:" couldn't say that you were holding
Il clearing-out sale in order to get ready
for the spring trade, or that, for the sake
of Increasing your patronage, you had
decided 10 present each customer with a
chrome. | couldn't say that you were
repairing and repainting, and had the
most attractive coffin shop in Detroit. Ii
wou dn't do to hope that. people would
patronlZe you, or to say that all orders
sent in by mail would be promptly filed,
and that your motto was Quick sales
and small profits!"
lie put on the look of a tombstone and
made no reply.
"You see, if you had stoves to sch, or
dealt in mackerel, or sold fishing tackle,
everything would be lovely. You are an
MISUNDERSTANDING, sedate, mournful.
\ Iou revel in Grape, and you never pass Il
black walnut door without thinking how
much good coffin lumber was reckiessly
wasted. The tolling bell IS music to you
and the CityHall flag at halfmast is fat
On your ribs. We'd like to oblige you,
but you see how it is. "
g Yes, see," he sighed and he formed
IN procession and moved down stairs |
looking around now and then to see If
he hearse was just thirty-tour feet be-
lind the oificia Jag clergyman's carriage.
Detroit Free Press