South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1875-06-11
WIT AND HUMOR.
u Happiness is ball after which we
run wherever it rolls, and we push il
with our feet when it stops.

1A young boy being chaffed in
school by some pupils older than him.
self, became angry. and picking up the
first thing be came to (Which happened
to be testament,) threw it Mt them
The teacher inquired what he was do
ing" II was casting the word of God
among the heathen," said the nowise
abashed boy.
V'An awful swell-the cheek after
tooth-ache.
9Why are all lawyers women? Be-
cause they are all fee males.
VA rough estimate-guessing you
can knock q man down.
IVA man was standing on a street
corner telling a crowd that he had been
out and killed five hundred pigeons since
sunrise. you're liar ~ shouted man
on the edge of the crowd. The stranger
looked at him long and earnestly. and
then inquired: where did you get ac-
quainted with me?''
~ It's astonishing, says the New Or.
leans Bulletin, to see how little there is
OF some ladies in these days of contrac-
ted skirts.
20 Not having heard from the debat-
ing societies, in relation to the conun-
drum. 'Why do hens always lay eggs in
the day-time?" contemporary answers,
Because at night they are ROSTERS"
a Good ANswER.-An English gen.
tleman wishing to test the Irish wit.
thus accosted laborer, who was at work
mending fence
'Well, Paddy, suppose Satan was to
come along now and sec both of us here.
which do you suppose he would take,
you or me?"
20, faith yer honor, he'd take me-"
How SOP" said the Englishman. in
establishment.
We'll, sir" said Paddy, "he'd take
me because he wouldn't be sure of me
when he'd come again; but faith he'd
be sure ofyou at any time, and he could
afford to wait"
~ AT recent meeting of a society
composed ofmen from the Emerald Isle,
member made the following motion
MIR. PRESIDENT move yes whitewash
the ceiling green, in honor of the old
flag"
EV'A little girl, hearing her school
teacher spoken of as painstaking wo-
man, remarked that the scholars were
the 'painstakingest," for they were gen.
orally whipped all round every day.
la a certain yoluminous writer whose
translations abound more in words than
ideas, is said TO have taken n severe cold
in the head, which is cited as proofo fthe
old age that mature abhors vacuum"
w a little girl and boy, three or four
years old, were playing on the ice when
his sis fell down and commenced to cry.
Bub ran up and soothingly lisped -
Don't cwy! Thwear! Thwear Thay
damn ="
I1V' AT Lord Mayors dinner. Tom
Hood, about the middle of the feast.
looked down the long bill of fare. and
leaning back in his chair. said to the
waiter, Bring me the rest in money"
GRATrTUDE.-A bachelor made n will
leaving his property to the girls who had
refused him. For to them | owe all
my earthly happiness"
Cur TO THE BoNE.-Dr. Jones wife
was awakened by noise in her room
the other night, and when she sat up in
bed she saw the doctor standing over
the arm chair in the room. He had n
towel tied around one of the legs of the
chair, and with handsaw he was cut
ting it in half. Mrs. Jones exclaimed
Henry, what in the name of common
sense are you doing ~
"H-s-s-h" replied The doctor, you'll
wake the patient. You hold the chloro-
form TO his nose while take his leo off.
I'm about half way through the bone
now"
Then Mrs. Jones got out of bed and
shook him and pinched him until he a.
woke. Then he exclaimed:
CLOVIS the PATIENT"
Mrs. Jones merely said. Come TO bed.
you idiot, and stop hacking up The fur
niture.
Gracious, Maria, said the doctor. as
he collected his scattered senses. edo
you know thought | was i'm the hospital
saving off leg that had a compound
fracture. There's a $50 fee gone"
And Jones went to bed feeling as ifhc
was an injured man at having lost that
money.
V''You say" said Judge 10 n wit
ness "that the plaintiff resorts 20 an in.
genious use OF circumstantial evidence
State just exactly what you mean bv
that Well said the witness. "my
exact meaning is that he lied"
E1'"I am a broken man" said poet
80 Should think" was tho answer
"for have seen your pieces"