Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1875-07-21
FACETIE


Pillars that should be shaken dowo-cater-
pillars
The misery felt by the child who couldu' t
60 to the picnic, is nothing to that of the one
who has been to il.
"Do you like Goldfish balls, Mr. Virgins ?"
Mr.. Virgins, hesitatiogly-"I really don't
know; don't recollect attending one.
II think have seeo you before, sir. Are
you not Owen Smith ?" "Oh, yes, I'm OWN
Smith. and OWN Jones, and OWN Brown ,aud
owiu everybody.
philosopher asserts that the reason why
ladies' teeth decay sooner than gentlemeu's is
because of the friction of the tongue and the
.sweatness OF the lips.
What is the difference between spermaceti
and schoolboy's howl? One is the wax pro-
duced by the whale, and the other is the vail
produced by the wbacks.
Now. then. Children" said parish school
mistress showing her children off 90 examina-
tlon day: who loves all men ?" You,
missus, was the unexpected reply.
On Monday evening his wife asked him
where he vas going. as she observed him put
ting on his overcoat. II am going to sally
FORTH be replied; and she warmly rejoined !:
LET me catch you going with any Sally Forth !"
Mark Twain, apropos OF a new portable mos
quito net, writes that the day is coming when
we shall sit under our nets 10 church and slum-
Der peacefully, while the discounted flies club
together and take it out of the minister"
Copy was out. The devil picked up paper
and said, Here's something About a woman
must | cut it out ~ "No !" tbundered the
editor; "the first disturbance ever created in
the world was occasioned by the devil fooling
about woman"
A teacher 10 the Port Jervis public schools
was last week explaining to the children that
usually all words ending with let meant
something small, as streamet, rivulet, hamlet,
ETC. Whereupon smart boy asked if hamlet
meant small ham.
DIR. johnson once dined with Scottish lady
who had hoch poch for dinner. After The
doctor bad tasted it she asked him if it was
Aood. 1T is good for hogs, ma m, said the
doctor. "Then pray" said the lady, ''let me
help yoRto some more
A man who cheats 10 short measure is
measureless rogue. If in whskey, then he is
rogue Ia spirit If by falsifyiog his accounts,
then he Is aa unaccountable rogue. If he gives
a bad title to laod then he is rogue indeed.
Ii be gives short measure 10 wheat, then he is
rogue in grain.
resident wants a partner in the pie-plant
business. 1t takes four pound of sugar to one
pound of pie-plant. He wants the partner to
furnish the sugar, he being willing to furnish
the plant and divide the proceeds half and half
A hne opportunity for poor man who can af
lord to have pies on Suoday,to get them cheap.
Curious answers often come out iu examina
'4loo for the civil service. the word ''iuher
tanee' occurring in page of reading, the ex.
amloer interroga,ed the youugster: "What is
-HaS,k
mopy p Something left by a father" What
would you call it ii left by mother p "Matri
mony."
A Detroit mother sent her boy to the store
the other day to get her linen dress, and he
returned with fourteen yards of black cambria.
u told you to get linen !" she exclaimed, stand
log aghast. Il know it, but this is cheaper,
and the clerk said that if auy of us should hap.
pen to die you'd have mourning dress in the
house |" was the cool reply.
Poor Daisy was fearful and sadly perplexed,
Her mother was angry, her father was vexed,
AL because she had spoiled such beautiful
plan
lD Elrmy refusing an excellent man.
Dear mother, know just as we'll as ycu do
That his habits are good aud his principles too;
! know that his love is sincere, and all that,
But why should he wear such shocking bad
bat?'
A farmer 90 the road between Charlton and
Worcester, Mass, having been terribly annoy
ed by drummers, put up sligo: 'No sewing
machines wanted here Got one." 1t was co
use; the next drummer wanted to see the ma
chine, "and perhaps he'd hitch up a trade. !"
SO the farmer put up: Got the small pox
here That worked well for little while,
but then came along drummer frig hlfuly pit
ted with the smallpox, who smilinpIy said -
Seem you've got it bad here they've put me
on this route. ="