Smyrna times., 1875-08-04
The Colonel's Hat.

upon his scalp. A week or two ago he was
Circuit Court, and upon the day of the
trial, Just before the hour at which the |
court met, he remembered that he had not |
applied the vigor to his head that morning. |
lie had only few minutes to spare, but he
flew up stairs, and into the dark closet |
where he kept the bottle, and pouring |
| some fluid upon sponge, he rubbed his |
head energetically. BY some mishap the
Colonel got hold of the wrong bottle, and
the substance with which inundated his
scalp was not vigor, but the black varnish
with which Mrs. Bangs decorated her shoes.
However, Bangs didn't perceive the mis-
take, but darted down stairs, put on his
hat and walked off to the courtroom. 1t
was very cold morning, and by the time
the Colonel reached his destination the
varnish was as stiff as stone He felt a
little uncomfortable about the head, and he
endeavored torcmove the hat to discover the
cause Of the difficulty, but to his dismay it
was immovable. 1t was glued fast to the
skin, and his efforts to take it off gave him
frightful pain.
Just then he heard his name called by
the crier, and he had to 20 into court to
answer. He was wild with apprehension
of coming trouble; but he took his seat in
the jury box and determined to explain
the situation to the court at the earliest
possible moment. As he sat there with a
guilty feeling i'll his soul, it seemed to him
that that high hat kept getting bigger and
bigger, until it appeared to him to be as
large as a medium shot-tOwer. Then hewas
conscious that the lawyers were staring at
him. Then the clerk looked hard at him
and screamed:
Hats off in court = and the Colonel
. grew crimson in the the face. "Hats off! ="
, yelled the clerk again. and the Colonel was
about to reply when the Judge came in
and as his eye rested on Bangs, he said:
: persons in the courtroom must remove
their hats
Q Bangs" May it please your honor, I
: kept my hat on because"
/ Judge" Well, sir, you must take it off
now"
/ Bangs" But say keep it on because
p /"
a Judge" Take off your hat, sir, or will
|, fine you for contempt. Do you hear me ?
e Bangs" Well, it's very hard that can
c say word by way of ex-"
r Judge warmly y)-"This is too much
g - i. Il
you'd like to come up on the bench her,
J. and run the court and sentence a few
1. convicts? You've got more audacity than
n mule Mr.. Clerk fine that man $50! Now
It sir, remove your hat"
Bang Judge, this is rough on me
I"
os Judge lin furious ragc)-" Won't do
k. yet? Why, you impudent scoundrel! Iv
it notion to-Mr. Clerk, fine him on
,e hundred dollars more, and Mr.. Jones, yo
lt 50 and take that hat off by force!"
Then the tipstatf approached Bangs, VIII
g. was by this time half crazy with wrath, an
id hit the hat with his stick. 1t didn't move
il. Then he struck it again, and caved in tn
or crown; still it remained on Bangs heaC
&C Then he picked up a volume of q" Brown 0
" Evidence and mashed the crown in fla
IA. Then Bangs sprang at him, and shakin
his fist under the nose of Jones, h
he shlieked
yo "You mutton-headed sculiion I've ha
.ly' a notion to kill you If that jackass on til
en- bench had any sense he could see that I'll
,ss hat is glued fast. l can't take it off if
to wanted to-
ed Then the judge removed the fines an
lat excused him, and Bangs went home. I
er. slept in that hat for week, and even whC
it came oft the top of his head looked
ed black as if modification had set in.-lM
ilv Adelcr