Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1875-11-05
II UMOR

H mo r.
Two newsboys were standing before
cigar stofe, one asked the other, ''Have
you got three cents?'' s'Yes.o ''Well, ]
have two cents. give me your three cents,
1 will buy five center' Cali right
says No. 2 handing out the money. No.
enters the store, procures the cigar, lights
it and puffs away with great deal of sat-
isfaction.
''Come, now, give us a puff says No.
2, l furnished more than half the monry.
know that says the smoker, "but then
Pm President and you being only stock
holder, you can spit.
Two young men walking down Washing
ton street yesterday were discussing the
means of obtaining a smoke. "I've got a
counterfeit half dollar said he. ''Cant
you pass it?" asked the other. 81 don't
know; you might "Me!" and the young
mans face became one continuation Of an
elongated exclamation point. "Me! why
the very fact Of my having so much money
would create suspicion
A promising young shaver of five or six
years was reading his lesson at school one
day in that deliberate manner for which
urchins of that age are somewhat remark
able. AS he proceeded with the task he
came upon the passage, keep thy tongue
from evil and thy lips from guile.'' Mas
ter Hopeful drawled out, s'Keep-thy-
tongue-from-evil- -lips-from
girls"
A man recently stopped at hotel in
Des Moines, Iowa, where pretty high bills
were charged. In the morning the land
lord made out the amount of the damages,
and presented it. After the guest had
looked over it he looked the landlord in the
face and exclaimed; ''You put me in mind
of a snipe." "Why?" asked the landlord.
sBecause ye're very nigh all BILL"
An Englishman was boasting to
Yankee that they had book in the British
Museum which was once owned by Cicero.
"Oh, that amt nothin','' retorted the
Yankee; sin the museum in Bosting
they've got the lead pencil that Noah used
to check off the animals that went into the
ark
''Since the day we were tied with coniu-
gal ties
We have looked upon woman with
wonder;
We have have had SO much wool pulled
over our eyes
We feel as sheepish as thunder"
A professor asked his class: "What is
the aurora?" A student, scratching lis
head, replied: 'Well, Professor, 1 did
know, but I've forgotten" "Well, that is
sad, very sad,' rejoined the professor.
'sThe only man in the world that ever
knew has forgotten it,
say. Sambo, where did you get de shir
studs?' E'In de shop, to be sure. y ''Yah,
you just told me you hadn't no money =
s'Dat's right" Chow did you get 'em
den?" ''Well, saw on card in de win
dow, collar studs, so went in and col
Jared 'em."
Small boy in a grocery store-"How do
you sell these fgs?""Two for three cents
swell, let's see: that's one for two cents
and one for one cent, amt it?'' eyes,
ssWell, I'll take the one cent one'' Eyes,
yes, young man, eat all you want::''
tsPa, I guess our man Ralph is good
Christian ''How so, my boy?'' "Why,
pa, read in the Bible that the wicked
shall not live out half his days: and Ralph
says he has lived out every day since he
was little boy"
When man goes to quilting party
about tea time, and sits down en- ball of
wicking with a long darning needle in it,
he will think of more things connected
with darning in a minute than he can
mention in two hours.
s'Ma," obseraed Blobbs's little child, re
fectively, the other night as the first star
came out, ''don't you think that when
those stars twinkle that way they must
tickle the angels feet?"
An Advertisement reads: "When you
travel, take the Panhandle Route "Many
a man has been utterly routed by pan
handle-with mad and lively woman
having hold of it.
'sCold streaks playing tag down my
back - is the way little Apsilanti, Mich,
girl describes the approach Of an ague
chill.
There are said to be more than two mil
lion Williams in the United States, to say
nothing Of several hundred thousand Bills.
When musical programme contains a
number Of very heavy pieces, is it any
wonder that it's hard work to carry it out?
An uptown man is an enthusiast on the
pin-back style. He says his wife has not
kicked him since it cane into fashion.
A man in Phoenix was badly injured, re-
Gently, by spider; it was an iron one, and
his wife had hold of the handle.
The boy who was kicked out of time by
a gun, said he fired and fell back in good
order.
Old people are always fond of telling sto-
ries. They have arrived at their anecdo-
tage.
Oh, mamma" said the youngest darling,
yesterday, Il tried to read, and 1 rode"
Never set yourself up for school-teach-
er because you have pupil in your eye
Why is making love like studying law?
Because it's making ready for counting
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