Lyon County times. [volume] (Silver City, Nev.) 1874-1907, 1875-12-02
SCREENINGS.
BY APOTH Z. CARY.

egotistical old clergyman, with
pair of spectacles and sore throat,
we launched our clumsy life boat on
the turbulent sea of matrimony. We
thought with Mary Ann for cook,
and Connubial Felicity for helms
man, we should safely cross the Glib
raltar OF earthly misery, and sail
serenely into the harbor of eternal
rest. Well, the verdant shores OF
single blessedness had hardly faded
from our view before the cook
thought she knew more about sail
ing that craft than we did and so
there was a mutiny aboard. We
did our anxious best to enforce
obedience, but marry time law was
disregarded, the ships papers seized,
anarchy, Mary ANARCHY tri-
umphed, and we slid out on the
spanker boom demoralized and
damaged. Since that piratical cap
ture the two great conundrums of
life have been-what shall we eat to-
day? And where withal shall Mary
Ann be clothed tomorrow? Just
so long as these repeated questions
are allowed to stic.; their nose into
OUR EVERYDAY BUSINESS,
Just so long this earth will be
stamping ground for sin.
Probably no woman ever cropped
the heritage of this celestial pasture
who was satisfied with her lot. If
there be one this side of Immortality
we want to take our frankincence
and all other senses and fall down
and worship her. We want to lay
our side whiskers, tooth-brushes
arctic overshoes and board bill at
her feet and cluster round her. We
want to clasp her and Sergeant Bates
and the flags of all nations to our
palpitating bosom and march unmo-
Tested through every school district
in New Jersey. We want to pawn
our silver plated CHI ronometer watch
with Scotch granite works, reversible
fiue, aud index hand which tell the
price of corn in Buffalo, buy two
pounds OF Orange county butter, and
give that woman a blow out. We
want to take her or some other wo
man to the Massachusetts Centen-
NAL, which will give "farewell" at
Philadelphia next season; and before
we take our astronomical trip to the
upper world we want codicil but
toned on our grocery bill giving to
to that woman a quart Of everything
in the store. A quart seems like
large quantity, but where we trade
it only measures a pint.
FEMALE woMAN's WANTS
Date back to the creation, and reach
forward to the last Saturday after
noon of time. Eve, the illustrious
prototype of the sex, standing IN the
garden of Eden, surrounded by
Crawford peaches, Isabella grapes,
Bartlett pears, damson plums and
greas pippins, was discontinued till
she had sampled those choice Bald
wins, brought sin into the world and
vanked Adam out of Paradise. Since
that time men have sweat and Swore,
worked early and late, gone ragged
and stole. wore patches and begged,
lied, and borrowed to satisfy the
ever increasing wants Of woman.
Through feminine dis0bedience the
threads of sin have been so closely
interviewer into the masculine char
acter that it is next to impossible to
lind an ali-wool man.
OH could stand where Adam stood,
And with the 1empter srapple;
Not Satans wiles nor womans smiles,
Gould make me bite that apple.
AS we stand here on the dragged
edge of time, gazing on our tax
paying mother-in lawed neighbors,
threadbare in sin and bald headed
in iniquity, what emaciated thoughts
burrow in the sub soil of our heart?
How we sigh for just one of those
primeval days, when there wasn't a
"busy- body" between Batfin's Bay
and Martha's Vineyard. oh, how
sin has blotted up this world with
book agents and drummers,
NEWSPAPER FIENDS AND RUNNERS,
Soap peddlers, dime novels, blue
pills, pin backs, town bonds,
paper collars, photograph galleries
and policemen. Tracing all this
misery back 10 its starting place,
every woman ought to go down on
her incurvated knees, lift her jewel
ed hand where the Notary Public
can see it, kiss the cook book and
swear that henceforth she will live
to make her husband happy; that
she will endure each and every
privation, make all the fires, carry
all the coal, bring all the water, do
all the errands, and strew roses in
the path OF him who is toiling over
the thorny highway of sin on her
account.
Sin is cosmopolitan in its nature.
1t walks into the velvet-carpeted
parlors of the first families, and sits
down by the cook stove of the poor
est bog-trotter. 1t tempts man
with the baked trout and cranberry
sauce of dishonesty, and then feeds
him on the mush and molasses OF
the penitentiary. 1t stands man
on the marble mantle of materialism
where he can see the good things OF
| an ri n raflactn6 in the Dier- class OF
worldly pros ierity, and then
snatches the brackets from under
meath and drops him into the station
house. Sin is the member of Con
gress from our district. 1t takes d
man whom Nature designed for a
] I'd los a hnrsa til ia1