Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1875-03-27
NO. "a.
Talss and Sketehes.
PUTTING AN UNDERTAKER.

1--WE taken your paper for twenty-six
years, he commenced as he reached the
head of the stairs, "and now | want
puff" l.
| lie was very tall, slender man, had
face which hadn't smiled since 1872, and
his neck was embraced by a white cravat,
and his hands thrust into black gloves
I've got a new hearse, new stock of
collins, and want local notice." he con-
tnued as he sat down and sighed as if
| ready to screw coffin lid down.
"My dear sir" replied the man in the
corner, "l've met you at a great many fu-
nerals and your general bearing has cre-
ated a favorable impression. You sigh
with sighers, grieve with the grievers, and
on extra occasions you can shed tears of
sorrow, even though you know that you
can't get ten per cent. of yeur bill under
six months"
Yes sighed the undertaken, instinct
lively measuring the table with his eye,
and wondering to himself why editors ia
Dles weren't covered with rows of coffin
nails around the edges. ......
death is very solem nthing." contin-
ued the man in the corner; but still it is an
occasion when one can appreciate a neat
thing. I've seen you listen to euiogies
on men who owed you for twenty years
before their death and you looked even
more solemn thanthe bereaved widow. I've
seen You back your hearse up to door
in such an easy quiet way that it robbed
death of half its terrors. All this l have
seen and appreciated, but I could not
write puff for you i-f
"Why not P" he demanded.
For many reasons. Now you have
new hears. Could 60 on'and say "Mr.
Sackcloth, the genial undertaken, has just
received fine new hearse, and we hope
thar our citizens will endeavor to bestow
upon it the patronage such enterprise de-
serves. 1t rides easy, is handsomely fin
ished, and those who try it once will want
no other ?" Could say that ?"
mo, not very well.n
"Of course l couldn't. You can call
grocer or dry goods man genial friend,
and it's all right, but you aren't genial;
you can't be. It's your business to be
even more solemn than you are; it would
be money in your pocket
That's so," he said. signing heavily,
"If it were an omnibus. or a coal cart,
or wheelbarrow, could go on and write
a chapter on every separate spoke, but it
isn't you see."
"And as to your coffins, they are doubt
less nice collins, and your prices are prob
ably reasonable, but could l go on and
say: MIR. Sackcloth, the undertaken, has
Just received his new styles in spring cof-
fins. all sizes, and is now prepared to see
as many of his old customers as will want
something handsome and durable at mod
crate prices?' Could say that?'
Another sigh.
II could not say that you were holding
a clearing out sale in order to get ready
for the spring trade, or that for the sake of
increasing your patronage you had decid-
ed to present each customer with chrome.
| could not say thai you were repairing and
repainting, and had the most attractive shop
in Detroit. 1t wouldn't do to hope that peo-
pie would patroniZe you, or to say that all
orders sent by mail would be promptly
filled, and that your motto was Quick
sales and small profits y"
He put on the look of tombstone and
made no reply.
''You see, if you had stoves to sell. Or
dealt in mackerel. or sold fishing tackle,
everything would be lovely. You are an
undertaken, solemn, sedate, mournful.
You revel in Grape and you never pass
black walnut door without thinking how
much good coffin lumber was recklessly
wasted The tolling bell is music to you.
and TIE city hall flag at half mast is fat on
your ribs. We'd like TO obligc you, but
you see how it is
Eyes, see," he sighed. and he formed
procession and moved down stairs, look
ing around now and then 10 see if the
hearse was just thirty-four feet behind the
officiating cIergyman's carriage.-Dstroh
Free Press.