The Grange advance. [volume] (Red Wing, Minn.) 1873-1877, 1875-12-01
Ohm HENRY'S WOODEN WEDDING.

It was the fifth anniversary of Mrs.
ienry's wedding, and she had invited a
zsw of her most intimate friends to make
%lerry ON the occasion. There was Miss
;elles.Lettres, who knew everything, and
1rs. Rosewater, who never discovered
hat she knew anything. There was
lrs. Embonpoint, fat and strong.minded;
1rs. Mignonnette, sweet and graceful;
1rs.1 Byzantine, whose charms had grown
- aore winning with every one of her 60
ears, and Fanny Sirene, q young f]ly,
nth neat pasterns and splendid action,
.ather frisky, but hard to beat on level
round, weight for age. Then there was
Slob5s, pedantic and angular; Benedict,
those main object in life was to forget
hat he was married; Parson Tremblc,
]ed.ha.red and bashful and half.dezen
theirs of either sex, including the mimi.
able and indescribable Sophronia Skye
Where in blue blazes, as John Henry for.
IDLY expressed it, his wife could have
Sicked up Sophronia Skye nobody knew
and knew less why she should nave
licked her up when she found her: She
Fas an ancient female whose intellectual
xaltation was simply stupendous. Into
ome matrix of Mother Nature there had
teen cast infinitesimal~ portions Of pro-
oplasm from the frames of Gall, Spur.
ieim, SpiDoza, Combe, Dods. Fishbough,
Paddock, Dale Owen, and Pearl An
!rews, and out had come Sophronia
'kye, q conglomeration of cells whose
erms were sycho logy, phrenology, mag
etlsm, spiritual nature, correspondence,
lairvoyancc, water.cure and brown
read, brain-food, anti-corsets. chem.
:oons. ETC., etc. She had also = slight
lngc OF woman's rights, some ideas con-
erning ''affnities,' some strong views
egarding those cruel and shameful
aws,'' ETC., and allopath:c medicine.
: our out of five of her sentences com!
1enced, "Now, I have q theory" and
he fifth had some reference to her Gin
erior," which for the sake Of modesty,
re it understood, referred not to her d.
estive apparatus, but to what meta
physicians would call her Ego. But to
eturn to the party. -...t,:'-
John Henry. having been detained by
n unusually busy day, came home from
lis work late and worn out, and inclined
o believe that one wedding with the
anne woman was bother enough for an
rdinary mortal to undergo. He was
God natured man. under the surface,
'owever, and set resolutely to work to
ut on his harness and bear fair part
a the fray, which he would doubtless
ave done with good temper but for set
f untoward circumstances that Fate
eemed to have prepared for him. The
'aby,: in the first place, just ready to be
AIKEN down for show, was seized with a
'aroxysm Of true inwardness, and threw
ever4l things up to him which he would
atheT, at that moment. not have been
emihded Of His 4-year-old hopeful,
oo,- had found it convenient, on that
vening Of all others, to try the philosoph.
cal experiment of attaching spring
.lothes-pin to the tail Of cat-a pro-
:eeding which brought both cat and a
10Y to sore extremity, and set both
rowling hideously, to the delectation of
he guests assembled below. And finally,
clap the climax, Mrs. Henry had been
Unfortunate enough to find a grease spot
m the stomacher Of her best silk. and
lad taken it out with patent prepara-
ion VIII en- left her smelling in a way that
whole bank of violets could not hide
ind ''concernilg q woman said John
Henry, quoting Dean Swift, ~ would
'ather good deal that my eyes and ears
,e offended than my noses
Still nc got down. stairs successfully at
asst, and when, later in the evening, his
wife saw him striving with weary good.
nature to bring some SAVIOR ont of the
sweet insipidness of Mrs. Rosewate-, she
nur1nnred confidingly to her old chum.
-7anny Sirene.
Poor John, he's Just tired to death,
md trying to mako that silly little Rose
waite, think she's talking But Ill paw
he dear fellow for it when get him,
llone; and its the day we,were married,
zoo, Fanny
AMI Fanny chuckled little, and pinch.
I'd her, with pretty little laugh. and
then rushed off to, make poor Benedict
wish he was a Mormon. - .; - - ",''''
The evening sped on quite gayly, when.
all ola sudden, Mrs. Henry missed her"
husband: After searching for him vainly
n all the corners Of the pretty little par
iors. she had just concluded that perhaps
ne had gone up stairs for some Of that
fluid which he called spirit
Us vini G0ltici, when John Henry enter.
ed the room but entered it in strange
fashion,. There was curious indecision
in his gait, and the hair, which was wont
to be brushed smoothly back from his
forehead, was dangling in q sort Of Per.
icholet fashion down toward his ewes.
His mouth. too, Was Wreathed in one Of
those : hali.idiotic grins where CONSCIOUS
guilt and the sense Of the ludicrous are
so laugably mingled. .7;::7s'' -"
Ashe crossed the threshold he turned
first toward tho circle about Mrs. Eglan.
tina =, then evidentlY .recnll net inni, -th.4