Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1875-08-14
Colonel Bangs Hat.

Colonel Bangs is very bald, aud in order to
induce bis hair TO grow he Is using very ex-
celent article of "Ilair Vigor" upon his
scalp. A week or two ago he was summoned
as Il uryman upon a case in The circuit court,
and upon the day Of the trial just before the
hour at which the court met, be remembered
that be had not applied the vigor to bis
head that morning lie bad only few
minutes to spare, but he few up stairs aud into
the dark closet where he kept the bottle, aud
pouring some fluid upon the sponge lie rubbed
his head energetically. BY some mishap the
Colonel got hold Of the wropg bottle, aud the
substance with which lie inundated bis scalp
was not vigor, but the black varnish with
which Mrs. Bangs decorated her shoes. How
ever, Bangs didn. perceive the mistake, but
be dar,ed down stairs, put on his hat and
walked off to the court room. II was very
cold morning, aud by the time the Colonel
reached his destination the varuish was as stiff
as a stone. lie felt uncomfortable about tie
head, and be endcayored to remove bis hat to
d scoyer the cause Of the iii ulty, but to bis
dismay it vas immoyable. Il was glued fast
t. the skin, aud LIS efforts 10 take It OF gave
him ftishtful pain.
Jus. then be heard Bis name CALI By the
crier, and be had to go into court to answer.
He was wild with apprehension Of coming
trouble but he took his seat in the jury box
aud determined to explain the situation to the
court at the earliest possible moment. AS he
sat there with guilty feeling in bis soul, it
seemed to him that that high bat kept getting
bigger and bigger, until it appeared to him to
be about as large as a medium sized shot
tower Then he was conscious that the law
yers were staring at him. Then the clerk
looked bard at him and screamed:
" Hat of in court :"
The colonel grew crimson IN the face.
Hats of ~ yelled the clerk again, aud The
colonel was about TO reply when the judge
came and as his eye rested on Bangs be said
"Persous in the court room must remove
their hats
Bangs" May it please your honor I kept
my hat on because"
Judge" Well, you must take it of now"
Bangs" But I say kept it on because
I"
Judge" We don t want any Arguments on
the subject, sir Take your bat of instantly.
Bangs" But you don't let me"
Judge" Remove that hat this moment, sir.
Are you going to handy words with me, sir ?
Uncover your head at once"
Bangs" Judge, if you viii only give me
a chance to"
Judge" This is intolerable Do you mean
to insult the court, sir? Do you mean to pro-
fame the sacred temple Of justice with un,ime-
ly levity? Take your bat Of, sir, or ! viii
fno you fos contempt. Do you hear me-
Bangs" Well, its very hard ihatI can't
say word by way Of ex-"
Judge warmly )-" This is too much This
Is Just a little too much Perhaps you'd ike
to come up on the bench here and run the
court, aud sentence few coHvicts You have
got more audacity than mule. Mr. Clerk,
fae that man hfty dollars. Now, sir, remove
your hat"
Bangs" Judge, this IS rough on ne. l.
Judge in furious rassi-" Won't do it
yet? Why, you impudent scoundrell I've
a notion to-Mr Clerk, foe him one hundred
dollars more, and Mr. Jones, you go aud take
that ha. Of BY force
Then the iips.aG approached Bangs, who
was by this time half crazy with wrath, and
hit the lat with lis stick. It didn't move
Then he struck it again and caved tie crown,
but still it remained on Bangs head. Then he
picked up a volume Of Brown on Evidence,
and smashed the crown fat. Theu Bangs
sp,aug at bin, and shaking bis fst under the
nose Of Jones be shrieked
" You white-liFered, multoH-hsaleI scul-
lion. I've half notion to tear tie ribs on;
OF you. II that jackass on the beach had any
sense he could see that iHe Lat is gluel fast.
can, take it OF if Is-s1tel -.