The Baltimore County union. [volume] (Towsontown, Md.) 1865-1909, 1875-08-28
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How g make money go as far as possible
give it to foreign missions.
zeb Crummet says married people who are
not lovers are bound by red-hot chains.
A Kansas paper has column headed ola
test Happenings" Grassheppers catch it. /.
Ohio men are baslful One hid under hog
pen for half day rather than testify in a law
suit.
A Nevada woman has taken a contract to
build half a mile of lion fence, and we do not
say this in irony.
The Blackfeet Indians cannst divorce wife,
but they can lead her out on the prairie and
club her to death.
"Died in vain attempt to twist the tail of q
mule" is Western obituary on the unfortu-
nate subject OF practical joke.
While an Indiana woman was usin :. pound
of lard to shorten three pie-crusts the Ii .htning
shortened her existence. Economy i, the right
thing after all.
The Omaha man who used $1,000 bond to
light lamp hasn't got through swearing yet,
and his wife won't dare ask him for even hair
pin this summer.
ooh! Tveloved before" said Detroit woman
to her fourth husband, as she took handful of
hair from his head because he objected to hang
out the weeks washing.
"Hast thou ever loved, Henrietta ?" sighed.
81 should rather imagine 1 had" sh replied.
30 a, 21rny glances my feeling, betray,
when y6ehelped me to pudding the lird time
to-day"
There is spice of something more han hu-
NOR IN the Boston Congrega tionalist's definition
of phianthropist as ga man whose business
it is to keep people who kill little children from
being hurt
Sixteen Chinese women were sold at auction
in California the other day, only Chinese being
allowed to bid. Eight dollars was the highest
price, and one sold for sixty-ive cents, her nose
being out of plumb.
A party of ragged Cinnamon returned to San
Francisco the other day from Nebraska where
they had been farming and mournfully and
confdentially told reporter "Too muchee
hoppee all around like hell"
New Orleans man will sit on log in the
broiling sun and fish all day and feel rewarded
with one bite, and yet if his wife wants pail
of W alter brought he will eXclaim ooh, yes
keep right on-fx me for burial !"
1t was after the dinner and it was dull the
conversation did not seem to start in at the
least. Then the Cynic said. "Will nobody 60
home that one may have fine opportunity 10
tear him all to pieces as soon as he leaves"
Give boy market-basket Of groceries to
carry home and he will swing it across his
spine, bend half way to the ground with agony,
he will skip along as merry as potato bug in
q ten acre field.
And now the Inter- Ocean has the requisite
pertinacity to tell the young folk that two can
live better OF a small salary than one. If five
dollars will buy better pair of pants for John
and Sarah than for John alone, then figures
lie, and we can prove it.
"Jessie, what was Joe's arm doing rsund your
waist when you were at the front gate last
night?" asked precoc ious Lebanon hoy of his
sister. ellis arm wasn't round my waist; l
won a belt from him, and he was ia king my
measure" replied the indignant young lady.
"Amen! amen !" shouted Cedar Rapids
parson, at the elegant remarks of a stranger at
the camp meeting. Suddenly the parson turn
ed his eyes on the man, and jumping up,
screamed, "Catch him, brother, catch him lie
is the three-card monte man that got my last
months salary" This is fact, and the monte
man is now in Jail at Cedar Rapids.
A Milwaukee belle attending a theatre re-
Gently, complained in one of the scenes that the
light was too dim to show the acting properly.
"Wont you try this glass 2" asked the escort,
handing her his lorgnette. Hastily covering
chief, she placed it to her lips, took long pull
and handed it back in disgust, saying: "Why,
there amt drop in it,"
Recently foreign embassy sought the assist
ance % 3sae English police to find young girl
who had just become the heiress of many mil
lions. The instructions were vague, and the
task was necessarily given to one of the keen
est detectives. At the end of six weeks the de-
tective reported at headquarters and handed in
his resignation. "Well," said the chief, "and
what about the young girl?" 81 married her
yesterday, and this morning l have just re-
ceved her six millions"
NJ. pI;yanc IN old hoobalor of Roahaatar
who is much absorbed in politics, visited the
Widow Graham the other day, just after read
ing President Grants letter, and asked her
what she thought of a third term. Now the
widow has been twice married, and in response
to the question she made rush for the aston
ished Mr.. Blivens, and taking him tightly in
her arms exclaimed ooh, you dear, dear man
What happy woman am !" At last accounts
Mr.. B. had locked himself in his dollhouse,
and was endeavoring to explain things to the
widow through the keyhOle.
There are some stories which are altogether
too good to be true, and the following, which
finds credence in the wilds of Massachusetts,,
would seem to fall in that category: "Judge
Hoar has a very intelligent dog, who seems as
alive to- matters of political import as any
biped with soul. (Which would you PREFER
said the Judge, addressing the dog, ito see Cen
eral Butler elected Governor, or to be shot?
The dog replied by falling to the ground, appa-
rently lifeless and limp. No amount of coax
ing could arouse in the canine any seeming
movement denOting life, until assured that
Butler was defeated when he would spring to
his feet and frisk around, barking for JOY"
Some papers are publishing, as curieus
item, a statement to the effect that a borse in
Iowa pulled the plug out of the bung hole of
barrel for the purpose of shaking his thirst
We do not see anything extraordinary in the
circumstance. Now, if the horse had pulled
thirst with the plug; or, if the barrel had pull
ed the bung hole out of the plug, and slaked its
thirst with the horse or, if the plug had pull
ed the horse out of the barrel, and ,slaked its
thirst with the bung- hole; or, if the bung hole
had pulled the thirst out of the horse, and
slaked its plug with the barrel; or, if the bar
rel had pulled the horse out of the bung-hole,
and plugged its thirst with a slaks-it might
be worth while to make some fuss over it,