The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1874-07-03
The Josh Billings Papers.
FEMALE REMARKS.

, ACdti SliIss are yu ia SdFCn ON NUS
banda
This IL a pumper, and you are not re-
quired to say g Yes" out loud, but are
expekted teW throw yure eyes down in
to the earth, as tho yu waz lOokin fo1
a pin, and reply tew the Interrogation
with q kind of drawd in sigh, az tho yu
waz eating and oyster, juice and all, off
from the half shell.
Not teW press so tender theme until
it becomes thorn in the flesh, we will
presume (teW avoid argument that yu
are on the lookout for something in the
male line to boost on in the uphill Ov
life, and to keep his eyes ON the britch-
ing when you begin tew go down the
other side of the mountain. Let me
give yu sum small chunks oy advice
how tew spot yure future husband:
/. The man who il jellous ov every
little attenshun which you git from
sum other fellow, yu will find, after yu
are married tn him, luvs himself more
than he duz yu, and what yu TUX, mis-
took, for solissitude, yu will diskover,
has changed into Indifference. Jealousy
isn't heart disease; it is a liver kom-
plaint. ..
2. A mustash is not indispensable it
IL only little more hair, and il a good
deal like moss and exeressences-Often
duz the best sile that won't raise emmy
things which yu admire in a fellow, be-
fore marriage, yu will probably have
tew admire in a husband after, and a
mustash will git tew be very weak diet
after long time.
5: Ii husbands could be took on trial,
as Irish cooks are, two-thirds ov them
would probably be returned; but there
don't seem to be emmy law for this.
Tharefore, girls, yu will see that after
you git a man, yu have got to keep him,
even if you lose ON him. Consequently,
if you have got emmy cold vittles in the
house, try him on them once in O while,
during securing season, and if he swal-
lers them well, and seZ he will take sum
more, he il a man who, when blue Mon
day Gums, will wash well.
4. Don't marry a pheller who is alwuz
telling how hiz mother duZ things. Tt
IL az hard tew suit theze men as it IL
tew wean a young one.
8. Ii a yung man kan beat yu playing
on a pianner, and kan hear fsh-hOrn
playing in the street without turning a
back summersett on account Ov the
musick that IL in him, | say strip him
he might answer tew tend babe, but if
yOI1 eOo nAnI o. Ho0lHS ouo 'h0 S'"AuoI' J. u
will find that you hav got tew do it
yourself. A man whoze whole heft lies
in musick (and not very hefty at that,)
amt no better for a husband than a
seedlitz powder, but if he luvs to listen
while yu sing sum gentle ballad, yu
will find him mellow and so soft. But
don't marry ennybody for jist one vir-
teW emmy quicker than you would flop a
man for list one fault. -
6. 1t IL one of the most tuffest things
for female tew be an old maid sue
A crate menny haz tried,
and made bad job Ov it. Everybody |
seems tew look upon old maids :jist az
they do upon dried harbs-in the garret, |
handy for sickness-and, therefore,
girls it aint't a mistake that you should |
be willing to swOp yourself oph, with |
some true phelloW, for true husband. |
The swOp liz good one; but don't swap |
for emmy man who is respektabel jist |
because his father IL. You had better
be an old maid for thousand years,
and then join the Shakers, than tew
Duy repentance at this price. No wo-,
nan ever made this trade who didn't
sit either a phOol, q mean cuss, or q
clown for q husband.
z. In digging down into this subject,
HIN. AAC pAs@$LAS, SAOMo LSpANOA UlO
'urther git. It IL mulch easier tew in
sorm yu who not to marry, than who
ew, for the reason thare il more ov
hem.
I don't think yu will foller mi advise,
f i Civ it; and tharefore will keep it,
Is look upon advise as do upon cas-
orile--a mean dose tew Civ, and a
mean. dose teW take.
But j must say one thing, girls, or
nile, lie yil kan find q hright-eyed,
iealthy and we'll -balasted boy, who
ooks upon poverty as sassy az a child
ool1s upon Wealth-who had rather sit
Town on the curb-stun, in front of the
th avenue hotel, and eat a ham sand
vich, than tew go inside and run in
Iebt for his dinner and toOthpick-one
Who il armed with that kind ov pluck
hat mistakes a defeat for a victory,
ny advise is tew take him boldly and
oul, snare him at uhst, for he is a stray
ront, of breed very skase in our
waters.
Take him, say, and build onto him,
q hornets bid onto tree.
TH.- |