The Louisiana cotton-boll. [volume] (Vermilionville [i.e. Lafayette], Attakapas, La.) 1872-1883, 1874-07-08
FACTS AND FANCIES.


gate in all Switzerlaud-the roads all
being fee
"A guileless Danbury man saw
chrome advertised go" sent on the
money, and received the jack of clubs.
The clergy cost the United States
Sl2 900, 900 annually; the criminals,
40,O00,000; the lawyers, $40, 600, 900;
rum, $2OO, 900, 900.
-" Do you like the piano" some
one asked Theophile Gautier. Il per-
fer it to the guillotine," was the reply
of the poet.
1t was an expressive remark of a
practical man regarding the woman of
the period recently; "She doesn't
know enough, sir, to boil water"
-" Where do wicked little boys go
to who fish on Sunday?" asked teach
er in a Sunday school. Down to
CulIom's Rifle" was the prompt reply.
"A. D. 1900. Scene before a crema-
ton undertakers shop: Small boy
" I say, sir, is dad done yet? Ii he is,
please put his ashes in this ere tin ket-
tle."
A correspondent asks: What
takes up more room on a sidewalk now
adays than a Acknowledgement fe-
male ?" Answer-A boy in new pair
of boots.
-" Cast iron Sinks" is written upon
the sign of a city plumber. Well,
who the thic) said it didnt?" chuckled
an inebriated man after reading it over
three times.
-" When we are dead" said Haw-
thorne one evening, sitting down in one
of the loveliest of New England ceme-
teries, "when we are dead, we Amerl-
cans begin to enjoy ourselves.
-"We'd like a remedy for sore feet"
says a Cleveland paper. Have you
tried the new kind of roofing material
Six yards will do to commence on, if
they are common Cleveland feet.
A Virginia sheriff asked murderer
if he wanted to make a speech on the
gallows, and the man replied {" "Guess
not it looks like rain and I don't want
to get wet go on with the hanging
A New Hampshire man wants seven
dollars from village board as damages
for his wife's broken leg, but he'll prob
ably settle for three, as he'll save four
dollars worth of provisions while her
appetite is poor.
1t is we'll that the heart-strings can
relax and contract. There's Mrs.
Weaver, of Peoria. She tried to throw
herself into her husbands grave, tainted
away and went wild. That was five
months ago, and the other day she mar
ried a red-eyed lightning-rod mat.
"A physician of skill and experience
says mustard plaster should never be
mixed with hot water, but with the
white of eggs; and when so prepared
does it's duty as cOunter-irrltant with
ont producing the anguish OF blister,
as in the old method.
A New Bedford nal er tells o storv
about q shOp-keeper, who advised a
customer to have two mohair switches
instead of one, as the article was be-
coming scarce. He said that the man
whom he hired to hunt NOES had only
caught two within fortnight.
A gentleman who came several
thousand miles to view Texas with the
purpose of purchasing, got large sized
red ant on him, and, stranger as he was,
he cavorted around and used as appro-
pirate language as if he had lived there
all his life, and moved in the best of
society.
A gentle Quaker had two horses,
very good and a very poor one. When
seen riding the latter, it turned out
that his better half had taken the good
one, "What !" said a sneering bach
elor " how comes it that you let your
wife ride the better horse ?" The only
reply was Friend, when thee be
married thee'll know"
A sly old boy, aged eighty, WAS be-
fore O London court for breach of
promise lately. The only thing that
saved him was the economical method
of his spelling in his letters. When he
wanted to say "May God bless you
and kisses, he only wrote IN. G. B. ..
and K" 'M. D." in his letters signi-
fed "my DEAR" and "L. P. " little
pet
An elephant passed over the new
bridge at st. Louis the other day.
About fifty boys, loaded with cakes and
other elephant tempters, walked back
wards ahead of him and did the coax
ing, Wn1le cfOWd Oh men Will spikes
and crowbars urged him from behind.
A st. Louis paper describes him as
the meek old mountain, apparently
deaf to the applause Which greeted
him."
A policeman in Detroit heard that
citizen had been badly injured, and he
called at the house to obtain particulars.
He found the man lying on the lounge,
with his head bound up, and his face
badly scratched. He asked "What
is the matter? Did he get run over, or
fall down stairs ?" "No, not exactly"
replied his wife ''but he wanted to run
the house his way, and wanted to run
it my way and there he is"
"A worthy member of the church,
who is exceedingly deaf, was assisting
the congregation to sing that good old
hymn:
"If you get there before do
Look out for for me, I'm coming too"
When the last verse had been finished,
what was the peoples amazement to
hear brother A. drawl ont, all alone by
himself.
Look out for me, Tn coming too
1t efectually destroyed the solemnity Of
that meeting.