Virginia free press. (Charlestown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1832-1916, 1874-05-30
That Churn.


That Churn.
Nv friend, Junkins, always had fancy that
he would some day make his "'tarnal fortin,"
selling patent rights, and urder that beautiful
Illusion invested bis "pile in modern self
scaling, double acting reciprocaiing Churn.-
II was big venture, and the Churn was big
thing. You had only to Sc, under COW, and
milk her into it, then give three turns OF the
crank, when you could harvest from three to
sixty pounds of nice summer butter, according
20 the age Of the cow There was only one
drawback 10 that Churn. II the COW was a
re7y old one. the quality was liable to vary to
the lowest grade Of boarding house butter,
oolored with annatto and favored with cab
bage; and sometimes. as the dutch folks say
in the Mohawk valley, " a little irowey."
Well. Junkins set out with that model ehurn
to d sell the right fot Herkimer COUNTY Id
the state Of New York, and the first place at
which he pitched was little Falls. lie had out
his posters Ia Baruum and got the Little
Falls illustrated News, a semi-demi-occasiousl
paper to give him puff. The editor was
little asthmatic, aud the puff sounded more
lila a rleese, aud possibly threw cold water
on the project But the time for exhibition
came and Junkins was on hand with bis churn,
hand full Of thermometers, hydrometcr,
aud don't know but he had barometer also.
Somo folks say he did.
The Churn had been duly loaded with
cream, and had undergone the usual prelimi-
nary process Of churniug, so as TO have The
butter come in minutes by the Squifes
watch.
Junkins mounted his dry goods boz, aud
began a scientific address TO the gcntlemeu
from the rural district upon physiological,
chemical marphclosical and neurological pro-
pertics Of cream, and dwelt with genuine pa,hos
upon those degenerate qualities Of thc lacteal
d" upper crust which defeated the buttery
hopes Of the churnist.
Meanwhile a waggish fello; who was always
pokiug his nose in other peoples busincss--la
/ kind Of 81 Slocum sort Of cuss,D was circu-
lating around that Churn under pretense Of ex-
aiming it, and while doing so silly slipped
into it a lump Of Rabbits doubly concentfat-
ed extract Of chemical erasive Soar
By this time Junkins had lectured his audi
oncs up to the point of appreciation of that
Churu so 10 jerked Of bis coat and proceeded
to illustrate the herculean feat Of churning
butter in two minutes by the Squire's watch.l
Junkius took bold Of .hat crank with the air
of a man who knows what he is about, aud il
was nip and tuck for two minutes some Of tho
time tie Churn would be ahead and thenit
woHld be Junkins. Junkins was "blown"
when the Squire called time, and concluded he
would breathe few seconds before he took
out his butter.
Well, after he had got his breath he opened
his churn and looked in All the crowd look
ell in
Juukins was little dubious, the crowd we're
a little iucredulous, aud the 81 Slocum cuss
was Just ready to bust but heli TO- There
wasn't any butter, but there was some frotb
Junkins had evidently miscalculated bis
timo or the temperature, or something. lie
tried bis Thermometer that was all right. lie
concluded be had not timed the thing right
so be grabbed that crank again desperately.
and he put that Churn through on the double
quick for about five minutes, when he opened
that Churn with an air Of confident expects-
ton which charmed all bshoders.
Alas for the vanity Of human expectation,
there was butter visible. but that Cburn was,
FIJI Of the most beautiful froth the eye Of rpan
ever beheld.
Junkins insiinctiyely realized that he had
someto'r, been badly Sold 50 he put bis best
face on the matter and said:
well, gentlemen. il this Churn wont make
butter, it win make more .troh than any other
Churn 10 Herkimer county. Let US 60 suo
drink