The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1874-03-02

The Des Moines Register says the good
things at Governor Carpenters reception
''displayed the culinary skill of Mrs. Carpen-
ter" Which is very like the man who al
wavs stopped at the Astor House when he
went to New York, ''because Mrs. Astor was
such good cook"
''You look like death on pale horse" said
gentleman to an old topper, who was pale
and emaciated. Il don't know anything
about that" said the tooer, ''but I'm death
on pale brandyv'
"Well, Sambo. what's yer to nova
days?' ''Oh, is carp'ner and J'iner."
"He! guess ye is. What department do
you perform?" ''What department? why,
does the circular work" "What's dat ?"
''Why, turns de grindstone. G'way."
"Never sigh over what might have been,
but try 10 make the best of what is," were
the cheerful words which loving wife ad-
dressed to her husband, as he pitched head
long down stairs with demjohn Of whiskey
in his frantic grasp, and dashed its brains out
in the hallway.
A gentleman, standing at the corner Of
Smith street and Fulton avenue, the other
evening, was accosted by stranger, who,
pointing up to Deans brilliantly-lighted bill
lizard saloon, Obser Jed:
EXCUSE me, sir, but is that the Young
Mems Christian Association ~
"No," promptly returned the gentleman,
''that's the opposition. on.'-Br0oklyn argus.
Esqumaux Joe of Polaris fame was called
up n for speech at the Cooper Institute re-
ception last Monday night. In response
he delivered the following model ora
ton; ''Ladies and Gentlemen: can't talk
anything bein' as 1 catch cold," and sat down
amid tumultous applause.
| A Kent ucky legislator who had been alb
| sent from his seat for several days was asked
what had been the matter. "Well, folks cal
it nervous chills; others pronounce it kind
of an affection of the heart but, to be candid,
| call il o plain case of old fashioned drunk. "
| The French toe wide-soled walking-boot is
| quite new feature in the shoe line. so are
| the extension soles with fiat heels. In slip
pers there is no material change, Black and
bronze are either plain or inlaid with differ
| ent colors. The style of powdering the hail
| is going out.
A wealthy gentleman who owns country
seat, nearly lost his wife, who fell into a
| river VIII ch flows through his estate. He
| announced the narrow escape 20 his friends,
expecting their congratulations. One Of
them-an old bachelor-wrote as follows
81 always told you that river was too shal
| loW,"
eff you don't see what you want, ask fol
| it," is pos ted up in cons picuOus place in {
| Logansport grocery. A native stepped into
the establishment, last week. He saw thu
card and remarked; 81 want a ten-dolla
bill and l don't see it." 'sNe ither do L.
was the laconic reply. The native ",ooket
further" but he advised the grocer to ''tak'
down that sign"
A romantic young lady fell into toe river
the other day, and was near drowni ng' out
succor being fortunately at hand, she was
| drawn out senseless, and carried home. on
coming to, she declared to her family that
she must marry him who had saved her.
..Impossible,'' said her papa. "Wh At, is
he already married?" Certainly not"
..Wasn't it that interesting young ma N who
lives here in our neighborhood ''DeaI
me, no; it was Newfoundland dog"
Thackeray had a nose Of most eculial
shape; as may be seen by his portraits Th'
bridge was very low, and the nostr lis ex
tremely well developed. On one occa ZION, a
a party where Douglass Jerrold was resent
| it was mentioned that Mr. Thackera Us re
] ligious opinions were unsettled, and that