The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1874-11-16
YifI,n,o,,d nispatfh.
,,o.n.v ,>> NOVEMBER 10, 1874

MONDAY. ..l... NOV fMi'h'i' ~
---=--= -
une Ta1e OF 8 Defeated saa"'s"
T1ow yohn Catu got mas Eyes ecu"
Cut AS n ward Politician
rsrom the Detroit Free Press.]
yo,, Csin was quiet, unobtrusive citizen
NJ d;an,t long for fame and renown, and ne
-s;dn,t care two cents whether this great ana
..,or;ous country was rrled by one.horse
Republican or two-borse Democrat.
HIS VIRTUES.
He had a pew in church, gave SiA'eea ,
,nnces for pour d, and when man iooheu
him SQUARE In the eye Mr.. Cam never ,o -
nn.s Sea, He was home at reaSonaoie hoai
;a Tho evening: never took part 10 the ols-
.nssion Us lager healthy" ana man!
t.S,a u;s,,cd that his life rolled on as
evenly and peacefully as John Cams.
BUT, ALAS!
Who .ec,n,er came. In an evil hour John
C.in allowed the politicians to get after MIN
md Co surround him. They said he was tne
strongest man in the country that he couto
cocoon out of his boots any man set up IN op'
,,ns;iion. that his virtues were many ana MS
faults 10000: that it was his duty 10 come
ont and take nomination in order that this
nnre and incorru,,tible form OF government
he maintained pure and incorruptlbie. All
this and much more they told him, and John
Cain
BECAME ruFFED Ur.
It surprised him some TO THINK tnat ne
held his peaceful way along tor iorty-odd
wears. like kDot-hole in barn-door, WIN
out any one having discovered what heap
of fellow he was; but he concluded that
there was new era in politics, and that 1t
was all right.
THEY BAMBooZLED HIM.
The politicians covered John Cain with
soft soap. They told him that the canvass
shouI6;l't cos. him red, and that he coul0
still retire at o'clock every evening, ana
rest assured that his interests would DE pre-
pe,ly cared for. It was 10 be still hunt
!. very quiet election, and he would hardly
know wha, was going or. John was al
honest, unsuspectiDg idiot, and he swallowed
their W ords as the con6dipg fish absorbS the
baited hook.
THE PLOT THIcKrSs.
John Cain was duly nominated. and tho
band came out and sercnaded him. wife
the band came several hundred electors
who filled the Cain mansion TO OVERLOOKING
spit tobacco all over the house, ate and drank
all they could find. broke down the gate,
and went of with three cheers for John
Cain.
WANTED SUGAR.
Before the canvass was ten days old half
dozen men called on Cain and gently limited
to him that he must come down Win the
t.susar." He didn't even know what " Su'
gar" was until they explained. They
wanted money to raise a pole, to buy beer,
to get siips printed, and to do fifty other
things with. ali for his particular benefit,
and he had TO hand out money.
THE COMBAT DEEPENs.
In the course of another week they drew
Cain out 10 make speech at ward meet
ing. He tried TO draw OFT, but they told him
the opposing candidate would run him out
OF sight if he didn't come out, and he went
out. When he got through speaking the
crowd drank at his expense, and Mr. Cain
was aStoni>hed at the way the liquor went
down, and more astonished ut the way the
bill footed up. He didn't reach home until
midnight, and for the first time in his life he
was going TO bed with bis boots on. His
wife wouldn't speak to him, and John Cain
wished the politicians had let him alone.
INCREASE OF CURRENCY.
More men came and crooked their fingers
at him and whispered "sugar." They
wanted money to buy some doubtful votes,
and TO hire four-horse teams, and to mail his
slips, and he had TO come down. He hest
tated about it, but they told him that the
opposing candidate felt sure Of victory, and
that acted rs spur.
wARM-nEARTED FRIENDS.
There was hardly night that from four
teen to two hundred and forty friends did
not call on Mr.. Cain TO inform him as to the
prospects" They drank up the currant
wine Mrs. Cain had laid by for sickness,
empted her preserve jars, and there wasn't
morning that she didn't sweep out forty 10
fifty cigar-stubs, and pack Of mud. They
all told Cain that he could beat the other
man so far ont of sight that it would take u
carrier.pigcon to find him, and he couldn't
very well refuse to 60 over to the corner
grocery and "set 'em up" for the boys.
TIE CRISIS
finally came. On the eve Of election Mr..
Gains friends called for " sugar" again, and
he bad to sugar 'em. A big crowd called to
warn him that he would certainly be elected,
and the saloon bill was S2S more. Thirteen
or fourteen men shook hands with his wife,
hundred or more shook hands with him,
and he had TO get up and declare that he
didn't favor womau's rights and that he did +;
that he was down on whskey, and yet loved
it as beverage; that he wanted the cur
rency inflated, and yet favored specie pay
ments; that he favored the civil-rights bill
and yet he didn't; and in his brief speech
Mrs. Cain counted twenty-seven straight lies,
besides the evasions. Mr.. Cain waited to
hold popular views, and he had to be on all
sides at once.
ELECTION.DAY.
On the day of the election they dragged
him from poll to poll, stopping at all the sa-
looms on the way. He had TO make 256, 900
promises, pull his wallet until it was as fiat
as wafer, drank lager with some and cold
water With others, and when night came he
went home and called Mrs. Cain his dear old
rhinosceros, and fell over the cradle and went
to sleep with his head under the stove.
HOW he scooPED 'EM.
When Mr.. Cain arose in the morning and
became sober enough to read the election
returns be found he had scooped 'em as fol-
lows:
Opposing candidate. 36,420
Gains majority lin born ............ 5,04U
AEOLIAN HARP.