, 1874-11-08

Epitome OF His Trials and
Tribulations.
The Representative Of the Power
full Nationality"
Securing the Support Of the Comic
Weekly.
Interview with tho Infuen.
tial Citizen.
Necessary Contributions to Church
Fairs.
The Minor Ills.

The man who 's1uns" for an cff}ce and gets
earns the honor-if it be ,u.der existing circun
stances an honor-right dearly. In the fir
place, he loses much cash :in the next. his pea1
Of mind and, lastly, whstever little faith in tt
goodness Of humanity the wiles OF wicke
world had previously left in his heart. Virtual
most men would much rather encounter ii
deadly chances Of actual war than face tt
mental horrors Of political campaign for
"big Office" The candidate has, first Of all, I
fight lis own party for the nomination. As in
horse-raee, there are numerous entries, but som
ss the contestants are Withdrawn after the
"holding-ont" capacity is tested and passe
lpon. Nearly every man has some Kind of
"REcoRD."
Happy is the politician who is not thus provided
II lie comes out without record he cannot b
ssss,led, unless as nonentity, which is not
bad character in politics. as will be readily see,
BY examining the intellectual credentials o
several OF our existing public officers. If til,
candidate has record" he may be tot
heavily weighted Herewith to make eoot
steepe-chase, especially as the Jumps" OF
the political course arc sure to be numerous ane
"stin." Therefore, Ills record drops him. The
party needs ''strong" man, and must have
him.: in order that be may carry the
In sa4h a ef tho as % Ssdsf sto1
of every candidate is thoroughly discussed. His
lamlly-tradtions ara closely scanned his code
2f morals is shrewdy dsscanted upon. He may
drink whisky galore ha msy.cnsse and swear,
play faro, aud have knowledge OF nunko, too ;
aif thir is OF TO account in politics. the ques-
TO" il :: Il he generally available, and has he
s1oney7
THE CONVENTION.
The day OF the nominating convention CONES
nound. Apart from the delegates. there assem-
bles crowd Of wire-workers," ,"-mysterious
persons, with brows - ylllainously low,"
dyed mustaehes. red hair, and aw-
ml s9u1nts, - who hang around the
hall, and help to II manipulate the divers de1e-
BY one the candidates are slaughtered, until,
finally, the contest il brought down to :. line
M1ng between two or three hard runners.
Then it becomes give and take German says
vote for. mine" .'Agreed,' says the sou Of
Elin. aud the next ballot makes the Irish candi-
uate the winner. The second place goes to the
German representative, aud the Americans-if
On the Opposition side-are tailed off on the
county ticket and allowed show in the Con-
Eress1onal Districts. The uominatioa over.
the successful candidate is immediately
surrounded by host OF very dear friends, who
would have cut his throat moment before,
" the bloody chssm ia br;tged over, aud the
WHO have been so unhappy as to receive NOM
lnaaon on tho other side.
INSTRUCTIONS.
This fairly inaugurates the campaign. and the
candidate is duly placed - in the hands OF bis
friends" The awful responsibility OF his no
sition is then impressed upon him. He must be
extremely cautious in his utte1ances must cul-
nVAre " tue dives u; must see '' the captains Of
1.1 the mess must visit every doggery in to"a;
hand, no matter how duty; must bear to be
whispered a. By every rowdv, no mat
ter how intoIerab1e his etinksing breath |
may be-, must be- prepared 10 smoke
writhe beneath tile tortures of rot-gut to es-
change VOWS OF eternal friendship with every |
EnaudIn drlnkard in the alums Of everv ward: |
must laugh Historically at execrable jokes aud |
g51n approval OF base obscenity must ackuowl- /
|oafers, burglara, sneak-thiercs pickpockets.
bud pzoprietors OF '' d1uuK-factories :" must
make promises which he knows it will be i'm
posslble to keep must turn back q block to
oVsstake and shake hands with man whom he
had passed by IN hurry; must employ corps
d dead-oeats to keep other dead-beats from
IoluS for the other c7ndidate must nod TO every
2 nan ne meets, giving the acquaintancesllp
ne benefit OF the doubt; must be "ha.l fellow,
yell met 'ln every saloon, and always keep say-
ng, BOYS. come up aud dtiuk with me-" Also. |
be must forget to take back anT change from the
bar; he must 70 into every precluct Of every
Hasr1. re mto eFery township Of the county, aud
:nefe ~, sollclt the snhrages Of ''the people,"
luis is only very incomplete List of the duties
Incumbent on candidate II he means to vir.
TIE AsEEksAEST.
as the contest proceeds he is duly "assessed" !"
By the Central Committee" The moderate aim
demanded Is 81. .5O0. II be pays it be may be bank
|uptea. ! x he does not pay it, he il sure to be
> bounced" from the ticket Finally. he nara
he amount. and fondly hopes that his financial
y. are over: No such thing. Tha fail is
he great season for
=. "cuURcu FAIRS"
ING atter and the election-camraigns 70 hand
. n hand- What religion could never accom- >Iish.
!, ear ear, Of lost votes vail: Tue candidate must
Fho run the bazaar. He must allow Lin namn r. | ,
,e 9Seo ~ bogus contest for gold watch or q |
care, out Of which be is cenerallv
: ): euchered F., By some obscure pot house poll
NUN. We e. pf1'ngs 'g all h!s "mothes people, to
|oI'onate candidate but he has to keep on eiY-
ne. There are sevelal more fairs Ho must
stend u them all-he must contribute 10 ali
,Ies are 'hsatlable Young ladies' SOLICIT him to
!nIedlinslan saint, who has his {" big toe " de- /
pressed, IN the act of crushing an Irish toad ont
y existence. How eau he refuse? An Old lasy I
y 4 nm g'o something toward hor table, and
THE INDEPENDENTS
out ~" comes unto bun Another great terror. / !
aeaehlng home At daylight, he th1ows himself E
Re 1ntS a,s soofn, &c aaa hopes ior bet 1epose
oor~beh. 4 man must see the candidate and <
annos I be denied; Hs is the President Of 1a an
o1,aa Independent Club" 1t is an organization % :
e1msa en + ta0 s plan Of the primeva!
Dueald Da1getties," without DncaId:a q
oush and ready sense Of military hono5 H.
rledsed to no party-knows no political creed i
ID 1a, simply, in the market for sale. It j, t
ronchnS: criuc1ng, mean, pettifogg1ne. slimv b
o. mt tish-blooded thing, without Heart. and I
most without head. 1t ia political rann;ra 0
a3t sucks the blood cut Of ali parties. It is u
oht1cal prostitute that sells virtue and honnr II
VI gam. This is what IN Independent Cluh ). II
aeAns. Tue President thereof is Shown m IN | 8,
;,. 1n eanasdates room. The sleeping party. has
~ ia1es our or the window. But be remembers m
Us ,. PosN1on. aud temporlzes. Tie pres1dnnt ~ al
Ve Ve - -. says We have 800 votes IN nv n;uh 81
,osa nave assessed you $500. Pay it an dnwn
oes your name on our ticket nef,,sa .rS u'mn ~ ~
v,n 49, *mnst @ sou-" The wretqhed cand;ate ee @
losus' ont Is compelled to donata " aoase ~ @ @
lctin. ~ o'eeo sons other eli
INFLUENTIAL pERsoss W "e
anen comes tue turn Of influential oa,so,s }sa
no must be seen. AMI who ,nrsr1.br trast a'
h1!date with very high .nosed and natza .ae r.,
3 ar. He is sorry for the candidate hotnz !"
II. but there ia "a very strong man .ra oa,ose
m. Aud be Is Under obligations to thu t,ao lnl
nfAJ~t