Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-05-22
Fl U " 0 r.

Fl u W q Is.
An Irishman was brought before Judge
on the charge of stealing widows pig
'sPat,' said the Judge, "when you are
broughb face to face with the widow and
the pig on the great day of judgment, what
account can you give Of yourself 7" sDid
you say the pig would be there, yer honor p
ssTO be sure 1 did," "Well, then, your
reverence, I'd say Mrs. Maloney, there's
yer pig"
A Boston optieian has offered to straight
en- Buffers eye. He proposes to fasten his
head firmly against the wall, and expose a
dozen heavy silver spoons in a position OPP
.posite to the line of the patient S DETECTED
vision. This will cause him to make fran
tic efforts to bring his abnormal organ to
bear on them, and it is sanguinely expect.
ed that the result will be his cure.
Here is case of pure innocence. All
Iowa railroad employee whose signal Ian.
tern, like that of the foolish virgins, was left
without oil, wrote to the supply officer fo1
some of that red OIL not knowing that
the lantern globe had something to do with
the shade of light that it threw out
Little girl-"M Mamma, I don't think the
people who make dolls are very pious peo-
pie. Mamma not, my child Pr
Little gir1-"Because you can never make
them kneel. always have to lay my doll
down on her stomach to say her prayers. !"
Heroism is limited after all. A girl
who, the other day, jumped into the Mer-
rimack river and rescued a drowned child.
tainted away when she saw her false curls
floating down the stream.
An Iowa judge has decided that it is
mere of sin to steal horse than to elope
with another mans wife, because there are
S,000,0 900 women in the United States and
only 100000 horses. :
An obituary notice Of much respected
Louisville lady concludes with, In her
life she was a pattern worthy to be follow
ed, and her death, oh, how consol;ng to her
frionds.''
What horrible idea is the following,
considering the present sensible temper
ance movement -
eff ever | marry a wife,
i'll marry landlords daughter;
And then 1 can sit at the bar,
And drink old Bourbon and water''
were the voters who had supported him
and flung wide his hospitable doors Be
fore he could get the boys out they had
eaten most of the supper that had been set
for the real voters, who found the tahl
barren when they came.
Clay county has Changers baseball
club. When the captain wants the centre
fielder to take position on the right, for
fly, he calls out, Gee there, d-n you p
and for the left. he sings out, CLAW lit
tie, blast you. ''-7erre Haade Express.
An old lady with large family, living
near river, was asked if she did not live
in constant fear that some of her children
would be drowned. "Oh, no." she replied
1--WE have only lost three OF four in that
way"
An ambitious young lady was talking
very loudly about her favorite authors
when literary chap asked her if she like.
Lamb. With look of inetfable disgust
she answered that she cared little abou:
what she ate, compared with knowledge.
Crusade hymn:
Mother may T 60 out to sing?
Yes, my darling daughter.
And 60 for those wicked sellers Of gin,
And make them take the ao0ter.
There are sllrewd boys in Burlington,
Vermont. On the night of recent char
ter election they got out d drum and fife,
and went noiSily to the house of one of the
successful candidates. He thought they
A slip of paper on the doorpost of a New
York boarding house, announcing lodg-
ings to let, warns intending applicants that
''No performers on brass instruments need
apply"
A Chicago man wrote to Agassiz that he
had an apple which he had preserved fer
fifty-three years, and when Agassiz wrote
for it. the joker said it was the apple of his
eye.
Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
particularly Of a Michigander, who. on
being arrested for larceny, promptly con-
fessed to burglary, bigamy and infunticide.
ST a naughty girl should hurt you, like
good girl you would forgive her, wouldn't
your" eyes, marm," she replied. s'if
couldn't catch her.''
Mrs. Malaprop declares that, for herself.
her nerves would never bear the shock of
having anything to do with the electrical
franchise"
A Western paper apologies for the def
cheney of the first edition of his paper by
saying he was detained at home by a second
edition to his family.
An Iowa man sued woman for calling
him Il skunk, . and the verdict of the Jury
was 'sNot guilty, but if she was, we'd clear
her."
I'm particularly uneasy on this point,n
said the fly to the young gentleman who
stuck him on the end of needle.
LADIES Unlnk very little OF the close of
sermon-they are thinking too much of the
clothes of the congregation,
A young lady speaking of one of h, r
ayersions, said: ''He's almost a perfe, t
brute; he only lacks instinct"
One thing, said an old toner, was never
seen coming through the rye, and that's
The KIND OF Whiskey one gets nowadays.
A South Carolina Legislator las intro
duced "a bill to REFUGE the bounding Diet Of