Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-03-20
HUMOR


~-70-~~7o~r~--e--0~o
Now they have got an equalized SPRING
bed so that if you only weigh a hundred
pounds, and your wife weighs three hum
bred pounds, she don't sink down any lower
than you do. This has always been great
failing with spring beds. A small man
couldn't tell whether he would be alive III
the morning OF not. a La Crosse MAJ
went to bed first the other night, and got
asleep, and finally his wife came in mad
because she STUDDED her toe on a rocking
chair. She weighs good deal, and she
jumped into bed suddenly. She went clear
to the bottom on her side, and the springs
on his side flew up, and when he woke up
he was coming down from the ceiling head
first. If he hadn't had a soft bed to fall
on he would never have known what hurt
him. Large women should be careful
about falling into bed, OF they will kill
somebody yet.
A country fellow who lisped, having
bought some pigs, asked a neighbor for the
use of pen for a few days. Said he: II
two thowth and pigth. want to put
them in your pen till I can get place for
them.''
ssTwo thousand pigs!'' exclaimed tie
neighbor; why my pen will hardly hold a
Dozen"
ssYou don't undethand me, MI. Bent, /
don't thay two thouthand pigths, but two
thowth and pigth.'
ssI hear you,'' said Mr.. Bent. 1.-TWO
thousand pigs. Why you must be crazy. y
II tell you again. exclaimed the man
angrily, II mean not two thouthand pighth,
hut two thowth and two pigth."
sob, that is what syou mean, Ell? Well,
the pen is at your service"
A HOPEFUL LAssIE.-A servant girl OF
no strong intellect, who lived with ladg
in Scotland, surprised her mistress by Civ
ING her warning. The lady inquired the
cause. and found it was a sweetheart
ssAnd who is the lad % inquired the mis-
tress. "Oh, he's nice lad; a lad that sits
in the kirk just torment me-" Are yoE
sure he intends to marry you p" II dare
say he does men," ''Have you had'much
of each others company yet % mot yet. 7"
sWhen did you last converse with him ~
.sDeed. we haze nae conversed any yet. -
esThen how should you suppose that he is
going to marry you p 'sOh," replied the
simple girl, she's been lang lookin,. at me,
and think he'll soon be speakin'."
"A Yankee gentleman, escorting British
friend%o view the different objects of at
traction iffthe vicinity of Boston, brought
him to Bunker>IIill They stood looking
at the splendid monument, when the Yam
kee said ''This is the, place Where Warren
fen.'' 'sAh y replied the Englishman, ev-
identity not posted in local historical mat
ters. s'did it hurt him much? "Hurt
him ~ said he, che was killed, sir.'' "Ah
he was ell ~ said the stranger, sill cycling
the monument, and computing its height
layer by layer. swell, I should think he
would have been, to fall so far''
An amusing blunder was recently made
by a Berlin paper, the 'Burger Zeitung. y
In an article upon American affairs. the
editor remarked with profound wisdom,
st is to be hoped row that, instead of
meddling so much with foreign affairs, the
Government at Washington will direct it's
attention to internal matters, as late dis
matches assert that dissensions are being
fermented in the Episcopal church in New
York"
Among the gifts to Pennsylvania bride,
81 few days since, was broom, to which
were attached the following sweet, senti-
mental lines:
ssThis tr!ing Gift accept of me,
Its use would commend;
In sunshine use the brushy part,
In storms the other end.''
The following persuasive and encoura-
ging note was attached to baby left on
doorstep in st. Louis: 'sSir,-Please ac-
cept this orphan child. If you should de-
spise the gift give it to some one who will
appreciate it. From the little acorn the
mighty oak towers above. This waif NAV
vet be Washington"
Don't tell child you will do anything
for it unless you intend to keep your prom
Use. A strict observance of this rule may
save you the agony of seeing your child be-
come a liar. If you say, 'sI'll skin you
alive,'' go and skin it, though it brings
tears to your eyes.
A Boston man has discovered by person.
al experiment that an ''able-bodied man,
fifty years old. and engaged in active bust
ness, may live on less than twelve cents a
day. 1t is almost superhuous to add that
his wife obtained a divorce several years
ago.
A Brooklyn man who sat down to medi-
tate in his sweetheart's lap, had occasion
to caution her about looping up her skirts
with pins. He found that the consequent
ces had a tendency to disturb his mental
poise.
ssButlerism' is the new name given by
the New York Times to the lowest