The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1874-06-26
The Eagle and the Serpent.
M i S G elIaneous.
SOLOMON SWALLOW.
THE WOMAN TAMER.
"Rulc a wife, and have q wife. ="

Solomon was bachelor, and rusty
one too but nevertheless he had made up
his mind to one thing, that he was the only
man living who had acquired any knowl-
edge of the art Of taking care of wife.
GAIL married men are dolts," was Solo
mons constant asseveration. "There, for
instance, is my neighbor. Tom Tangible ;
his wife makes q sort of three legged stool
of him; she moves him in one corner, and
then in another, and sits on him, and walks
on him as if he was nobody in the house,
while he, poor man, takes it as easy as
though it was the most natural thing in
the world. Now that l were only Tom
Tangible, I'd first write a series of matrimo-
NAL articles, and if Mrs. Il. didn't abide
by them, I'd submit her to the wholesome
discipline of bread and water and pad
lock and might perhaps, brighten her
ideas touching her oonjugal duties by the
application of good cowhide. And there
again, are Evert Easy, Dick Shocks, and q
host more of them in the same condition, but
I'm the boy that will set them all right,
if they only follow my example after l have
coudescended to endow some fortunate fe-
male with the legal claim to the title of
Mrs. Swallow"
Brave Solomon Swallow!
"Well, Solomon" said a neighbor to him
one morning, "as you are always Boosting
OF your skill in managing a wife, how
comes it that you're not married ?"
"Why, because | have not perfected my
system You poked your head into the
moose without making any preparation, and
hence, Mrs EVERY makes what she likes of
you. But go to work logically,I begin
by studying the erudite works of Zinggru-
bazo. 'On the philosophy of woman's
holding her tongue l then read several
treatises on the effect of bread and water
discipline in making good wives Shake
speare's Tanning the Shrew' furnishes me
few excellent practical lessons. And l
am now generalizing all the system into
one, which will carry the sway in all flu
| ture generations, and convert the plague of
matrimony into blessing. In the course
of year or So" added Solomon, "'My
Rules for the Regulation ola Woman q
intend to publish iD will be completed and
| then l shall take me Wife"
And Solomon was as good as his word,
for at the age of thirty-fve, feeling himself
prepared to give battle to any woman in or
out of the land of Amazons, he got mar
ried. At this important period Solomon
was as puffy, comfortable looking little
fellow as you'd meet in days walk, for al
belt the crown of his head never stood full
| five feet from the heels of his boots, lie was
of proportion that would have done honor
| to an alderman or even Lord Mayor; and
his gait, especially when walking with any
thing in the likeness of q woman, was as
pompous as a Sultan's, while at such times
| his countenance always assumed an expires,
sion that could not have brooked the APP
proach of female familiarity. The lady
whom Solomon had chosen for his "worsel
half" was apparently a lamb like creature
so that the chances were very fair that she
would not only be a tractable wife, but
that Solomon would require no help from
his system to make her so.
Now Solomon had the forebearancc moi
to interfere with his lady, or her sayings and
doings on the night of the wedding, nor is
it recorded that he assumed special authori.
ty on the next night either; bat about six
o'clock the next morning, he softly insinua
ted to his sleeping partner that it was time
to get up.
"And," he added, when breakfast i.
ready, you may call me, but be sure not t.
burn the toast"
breakfast and toast" said Mrs. Swal
low, "why what do you mean2"
"Why, my dear-I mean, madam, that
have begun my SYSTEM
Sand won't you get up too ~
"Yes, when breakf fast is ready and m
stockings aired ~
Mrs. Swallow was about to reply but sh
checked herself, as she was ashamed to sa
much to him on so short an acquaintance
but though in the present instance she di
precisely as she was bid she resolved i
her heart that it was the last time sh
would get up at six in the morning to pre-
pare breakfast.
AT eight o'clock everything being read,
Mrs. Swallow called Mr.. Swallow.
breakfast is ready, Mr. Swallow"
SIS the toast made2'
"Yes."
"Not burned9 ~
mo"
"Are my stockings aired ?"
"Yes"
"You'll do" quoth Mr.. Swallow, and
breakfast he went having received the Sc
: vices of the blushing Mrs. Swallow to a
| oiet hin, In 1raco,po