Sunbury American. [volume] (Sunbury, Pa.) 1848-1879, 1874-06-26
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day, 1t would have amounted to the sum OF
S607. .0S9. 900 76.' If this is true it is
great pity the idea never occurred 10 Co
lunbus. lie might have had a nice little
fortune TO comfort him in his old age. But
is it true 7 That depends, of course, upon
where he would have put it. Old Star
buckle, of Berks county, Penna., severa!
years ago, read in an almanac that money
would double itself by compound interest
in eleven years, if it were put away and
lett untouched. Accordingly, Starbuckle
put $500 in tin box and buried it in his
cellar. He permitted it to remain there
for eleven years, and then dug it out with
the confident expectation that the amount
IN the box would be 1900. But it wasn't,
and Mr.. Starbuckle now only considers the
science of arithmetic transparent fraud,
but he don't repose any confidence in the
almanac when it says Sunday comes on the
first day of the week. Max Adeler is re-
sponsible for the correspondent, and then
gives his own experience as follows:
Il went into Philadelphia book store
the other day, for the purpose of purchas-
ing a copy of Christopher North's we'll
known 'Noctes Ambrosianae.' The first
person / encountered was a red-haired
clerk, TO whom 1 said:
Have you Noctes Ambrosianae p
'Wh-wh-wh-what d'you say p he asked,
with mouth and eyes wide open.
Il called to ascertain if you have 'Noctes
Ambrosianae
Il don't exactly-that is, don't under
Knocked his-what d'you say?
Il say that | understood that you had
'Noctes Ambrosianae.' If you haven't,
why don't you say SO at once =
Il don't know what you mean. | never
did such thing in my life
Perhaps you don't understand me. L
wish to see if you have 'Noctes AmbrOsia-
nae.'
oh, he has, has he ? He's knocked his,
what do you call il, has he Well, Idon't
care a cent if be has. You've come to the
wrong shop. You must he crazy. Your
mind seems to be wandering, it is unhing-
ed; you haven't---' breaking off sudden
ly and addressing clerk in the rear of the
store. Say, Bill, here's feller that's
foolin' around here wantin' to knock some
body. Get policeman, quick
Then left and hunted up another en-
porium of learning
Mr.. CoOLEY's HAT.-When Mr.. Cooley
came into church last Sunday, he placed
his new high hat just outside the pew in
the aisle. Presently Mrs. Pitman entered,
and as she proceeded up the aisle, her
abounding skirts scooped Cooley's hat and
rolled it up nearly to the pulpit. Cooley
pursued his hat with feelings of Indignation
and when Mrs. Pittman took her seat, he
walked back, brushing the hat with his
sleeve. A few moments later Mrs. Hop
kins came in church, and as Cooley had
again placed his hat in the aisle, Mrs.
Hopkins skirts struck it and swept it along
about twenty feet, and left it lying on the
carpet in 6emoralized condition. Cooley
was singing a hymn at The time, and he
didn't miss it. But moment later, when
he looked over the end of the pew TO see if
il was safe, be was furious 10 see that it
was gone. He skirmished up the aisle af-
ter it again, red in the face, and uttering
sentences which were horribly out OF place
in the sanctuary. However, he put his
hat down again and determined to keep
his eye on 1t, but just as he had turned his
head away for a moment, Mrs. Smiley
came in, and Cooley looked around only in
time TO watch the hat being gathered in
under Mrs. Smiley's skirts and carried
away among them. He started in pursuit,
and Just as he did 50 the hat must have
rolled against Mrs. Smiley's ankles, for she
gave a jump and screamed right out in
church. When her husband asked her
what was the matter, she said there must
be dog under her dress, and she gave her
skirts a twist. Out rolled Cooley's hat,
and Mr.. Smiley, being very near sighted,
thought il was dog, and Immediately
kicked it so savagely that it flew up into
the gallery aLd lodged upon the top of the
organ. Cooley, perfectly frantic with rage,
forgot where be was, and holding his clinch.
ed fist under SmileS's nose, ne shrieked
''I'ye half mind to burst you over the
snoot ?'' Then he flung down his hymn
book and rushed from the church. lie
went home bareheaded, and the sexton
brought his humiliating hat around aftel
dinner. After this Cooley intends to 60 tc
Quaker meeting, where be can say hi,
prayers with his hat on his head Md1
Adeler.
MAGISTRATES who wish to take lessons
in suitable admonitions' will find few
useful hints in the feeling observations ad
dressed by judge in Kansas, to a prisoner
the other day, reported in one of the loca
papers :--'Brumley, you infamous scoun
drel, you are an unredeemed villain Yol
hain't got a single redeeming trait in you
character. Your wife and family wish W,
had sent you to the Penitentiary. This il
the fifth time | have had you Before me
and you have put me to more trouble thai
your neck is worth. I've exhorted anC
prayed over you long enough you Sconn
drell Just go home and take one slimps,
of your family and be off in short order
Don't let's ever hear Of you again. TIL,
grand jury have found two other indict
ments against you, but I'll discharge yo,
on your own recosnizance; and if l catci
YOU in this neck of woods tomorrow morn
ing at daylight, I'll sock you right squar,
in Jail. and bump you off to Jeffersonvill,
in less than no time, you Internal scoun
drel Ifever l catch you crossing you
finger at a man, woman or child, whit
man or Niger, I'll sock you right squar,
into the jug A! Stand up you scoundre
while pass sentence on you'll
HARD WORK.-A young man out in th,
country tried milking COW, and as hC
4 l.