Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1874-03-12
PHUNNYGRAMS.

-In-tents excitement-Panic in a cir
Gus.
Did the man who plowed the sea, and
afterward planted his foot upon native
soil, ever harvest his crops?
You do not need to black your boots
in Pittsburgh. You hang them out of the
window at night and they are black
enough in the morning.
"A correspondent of a paper having
described the Ohio as "a sickly stream"
the editor appended the remark: "That's
so--it is confined to its bed"
It's rather remarkable that, while
several thousand feet are required to
make one rood, single foot, properly
applied, is often sufficient to make one
civil
We are told that 800 years ago ladies
combed their hair just as they do today.
This won't do in a civilized land and
among observing people. Three hundred
years ago ladies used to comb their hair
on their heads-now they hang it over the
back of chair to comb it.
When writing for information, it is
customary to inclose stamp for reply.
The stamp should be stuck to the letter
by first moistening it's entire face and
then subjecting it to letter-press If
press is not handy, a heavy weight in
position one night will do.-D0n6atry
Meas.
"A son of Ethiopia ente red Station 3,
at Boston, a short time ago, to complain
of colored brother who had broken a
chair into splinters over his head. Upon
an insinuation regarding the absence of
marks on his Uranium, he Indignantly an
swered, "No! 'e didn't make no marks,
but 'e smashed de char all ter pieces and
de char belonged ter me-"
"A female at confession acknowledged
that she used rouge. For what pur-
pose?" asked the father. "To make me
appear captivating" was the answer
"But does it make you more beautiful ?''
At least, holy father, think it does"
The priest took the penitent out of the
confessional into the light and, looking
in her face, observed: Madame, you may
paint without otfense, for you are still
very ugly"
There is so little original in the
world that people part reluctantly with
the conviction that some cherished apho-
rism they have long attributed to favor
tie author is the property of some other
one less loved and noted. The last exhi-
bition of this unrelenting fatality is the
charge that the late Horace Greeley pla-
giarized his memorable advice, eco
West" 1t is pointed out that the original
of the remark was when Ruth said,
Where thou go west will go''
Mr.. Routledge, of Elyria, n Y, took
unto himself wife without previously
consulting her mother. When the old
lady saw the little joke she whaled her
daughter. The tender bride was so in
dignant at her new husband for not taking
hand in the dispute that she put in
bill for divorce on the plea of desertion.
The Judge said he had never heard that
mans refusal to lick his mother-in-law
was ground for divorce, and he refused
the application, ordering the husband to
pay the fees of court.
The Golden ErG's :" CORY S. Pond
ent" complains of grievance in the
shape OF new-fangled alarm clock,
which rudely interferes with the current
of his cOurtship by a clamorous an
nouncement of the hour of ten p. m. The
prosecuted lover says: 1.-THE old duffer,
whose daughter we are just now counting,
has got new dodge to make US go home.
He has rugged up one of the patent back
action leave-here alarm clocks on his
mantelpiece, and when the bewitching
hour of ten arrives the old clock gets up
and walks round the room, and the
hand points to the door, After ten the
pendulum hits pretty hard the old duffer
says if somebody don't take the hint, one
of these fine moonlight nights somebody
will take somebody else by the scuff of
the neck, and the chances are good for
first-cIass funeralp'