The Jackson standard. [volume] (Jackson C.H., Ohio) 1847-1888, 1874-08-13
Miscellaneous.

A thief running away is a scamp, but
the policemans chase after him is a
scamper
Philadelphia gentleman advertises
soap that is destined to wipe out the ma
tional debt. There is probably some
,s1ye" about it.
Samuel Gettings, of Springfield, O., is
the father of % children. 1t is TO be
hoped that with all his Gettings he got
understanding
When your pocket-book gets empty
and everybody knows it, you can put all
your friends in it and it won't sbulge
out worth cent. =- ss
a man named Howard. of Delaware,
has been sent to state prison for five
years for stealinga a hat-boat loaded with
tar. a blacker crime was never COM
mitted.
The mayor of Portuguese city once
enumerated, among the marks by which
the body of drowned man might be
identified. "a marked impediment in his
speech.
Landlady (fercely)-"You must not
occupy that bed with your boots ONT
Boarder-''O, never. mind, they're only
EN-. I'll risk it, anyhow"
Two st. Louis women were refused
places as drivers on street cars ostensibly
because they couldn't manage mules.
This was frivolous. They had both been
married for years.
A London advertisement runs thus:
IA country priest will say mass once a
week for any one who will regularly send
him the Times newspaper, secondhand,
on the day of its publication.
Tennyson says that Miller is the great
est American poet, and Miller says that
Tennyson is the greatest English poet.
A man couldn't improve on that if he
set up all night.
When occasion requires, one of the
Milwaukee policemen can move with as
tonishing rapidity. Night before last he
ran a mile in three minutes under the
belief that a burglar was after him.
A good way to restore man apparent
| ly drowned, is to first dry. him thorough
ly, inside and out, and then clap speak
ting-trumpet to his ear and inform him
that his mother-in-law is dead
| A Cincinnati reporter says that there
| is something grand in pair of runaway
horses, but we believe that good deal
depends ON whether man is on fence
or trying to climb over the end board of
the wagon. C
| Wholesome colored people were being
baptized recently in the river at Nash
vile, one became unmanageable, and
seizing the minister, who was small
man, threw him over her head, almost
drowning him.
The difference between having tooth
properly drawn by professional sur
geon and having it knocked out misce1-
laneously by fall upon the pavement
is only slight verbal distinction-one is
dental, and the other accidental.
| Pride takes an early start in San Fran
cisco. When lad breaks loose from his
mothers apron strings and secures po-
sition at three dollars per week, the first
thing he does after that is to hire Chi
naman to run errands for him.
An elderly clergyman of Chicago, when
asked the other day why he had never
married, replied that he had spent his
life in looking for woman who would
refrain from working him pair of slip
pers, and he had never found her.
Don't be stubborn unless you are sure
you can afford it. Right in the midst of
the late panic, an Iowa man chose to be
perversely obstinate. His daughter
i wanted $50 silk dress; and he wouldn' t
i get it, and he lost $50 by the operation.
She took cold poison, and the funeral
4 expenses were $3.50.
"Tve got 'em again" shouted Missis-
isppi boatman when first the comet burst
upon his bewildered vision. And then
he proceeded to relate his experience
Snakes I've had before, and now the
stars have got tails on EN-. I'm dead
man. So much for knowing too much
of whisky and too little of astronomy.
No one (save hotel keeper) can have
any conception of the profit made out OF
bridal parties at Niagara. Sarah is too
full of love to eat, and "Federwick" par
takes sparingly while embarrassment
predominates. Every meal is merely
"looked att by the simpletons, while
board at the rate of $3.50 per day goes
right along.
A countryman with his bride stopped
at Troy hotel the other day. At din
ner, when the waiter presented bill OF
fare, the young man inquired, Whats
that?" That's bill of fare" said the
waiter. The countryman took it in his
hands, looked inquiringly at his wife,
and then at the waiter, and finally dove
down into his pocket and insinuatingly
inquired, "How much is it?'
Here is my contribution to the verses
on Spring, from Various Standpoints, u
which / see in all exchanges
HYGIENIC. WITH A FEMALE RHYME.
In the Spring, the worms grow lively,
feeding on the tender grasses,
In the Spring, me mother doses me with
sulphur and melasses.
A worthy member of the church who
is exceedingly deaf, was assisting the
congregation to sing that good old
hymn:
"If you get there before 1 do,
Look out for me, I'm coming too"
When the last verse had been finished
what was the amazement of the people
to hear him drawl out all by himself,
"Look out for me, I'm coming too"
1t effectually destroyed the solemnity
of that meeting
OCTOBER ELECTION.