The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-08-29

HOME MATT RS.
Pepper and salt,

On Thursday morning last Il section of Court
House fence was lined with eleven Of the human
mud turtles that daily roost thereon. There
they sat like eleven crows on Il limb or eleven
frogs III the same mud hole. They were discuss
ing the weathcrand smoking their "dhudecns"
when suddenly the fence slowly weakened and
then Topped over into the Court House yard.
Twenty two heels suddenly kicked frantically in
the air and eleven Of the "bys" lay sprawlng
there to the great amusement of numerous spec
tatOrS. 1t has been SO long since we looked
into our pepper and salt box that these pungent
condiments have become rather stale. AS the
last name for death from any kind Of burning
fluid from whisky to kerosene oil, we suggest
hudcidc, or for short Jtnt-irjdc. Miller, the
beer man, has put up Il new lager sight is Il
sig, that he has not been sufficiently crusaded
yet. And now Barnett, the clothier, has only one
price in his storethats his clerks name and
Thornton sells goods without Price. When
Bowman, or Jim Cross, or Morris d Smith, bore
you with complicated narrative, get up close
to them, put your head in the smallest opening
you can find in either OF their ears that may be
next to you, seize hold Of the rim of said ear
and confidently yell hire 4 hal.' Then the
story will terminate and you will have peacc...,
There is an old party in Ottawa who has five fat
marriageblc daughters and only three front
gates, He can 20 out At almost any hour Of the
night and pull off two or three pairs from his
front gates Sometimes in fact the gates
are loaded down with this kind Of fruit,
and ii is not a good pear year either. When
"a al. him,
out one side and tell him what Il nice angel he
would bc-pOntiny TO his cars-if his GingS were
not so high up.....It isn't every pretended old
settler who can get into the respectable society
of that name in this county. Bowman tried it.
The committee have what they consider satsfac'
tory proof that he is the original wandering
jew. They think SO mainly from the length of
his hair and state Of his toe nails. He was re-
jGctcd with Sc0,R. Jim Cross attempted to snug
gle himself in on the pretcXt that "he was an
oder settler than any of EN- He alleges that
he discovered Columbus before "Clum.' found
America. The committee told him to move fur
Their towards the accident, or in other words go
west, 20 west Beach Fellows designed to wig
gle in on the ground that he was acquainted with
old Noah, Of Ark celebrity. The committee
doubted his statement. Noah surrounded him
self with water, and toated upon it, andlived for
forty days and forty nights Water exclusives
would kill Beach in about fifteen minutes. Iii
too thin for Beacher F. Let him rejoice that
while ruled out Of the Old Settlers his name is
not Henry Ward T. Perlcy esseyed to enter the
society with similar Ul-luck. mo you don't"
said the examining board, Egyptian mummics
can't ring in on us-not any" We tried to get
in too. Our effort was a success. They inter
viewed us AS to our antiquity. We Informed
them that we were the bosom friend of Ananias,
a cclcbra.cd-rOmauce mentioned in the Bible,
and an humble imitator of him in inventive pow
erS. The committee slapped us on the back and
said, "All right, Beemus, you can pass Weare
in aud that is how ii was done.