The Tiffin tribune. (Tiffin, Ohio) 1868-1887, 1874-03-12
A Sneech BIZ Mark Twain.

At the dinner of the Massachusetts
Press Association Monday, after Can
on Kingsiey's speech, Mark Twain
wAs called upon. He said he was not
prepared 70 make an anextemporespeech
and had never sung a song, so he
would tell an anecdOte, as follows
when L was crossing over from
England the other day, there was
youth on board about sixteen years
old, who occupied his entire time in
eating, when there was anything TO
eat, and thinking about the next meal
between times. Laughter. L don't
say he put his mind to it, for hedidn't
seem to have any mind. When sent
out from the table he used to go up
into the smoking cabin, and lie
around there asking foolish questions.
This boy never asked question IN the
whole voyage that indicated the pres
ence of knowledge of any kind what
ever, and he came to be perfect nui-
sance to everybody, and we tried all
possible ways of crushing him and
make him stop asking these questions.
But, as said, Canon Kingsley re-
minded me of one occasion when L
came up into the smoking room in
very i'll humor-not the humor man
ought to be in to listen to silly ques-
tions. The question the boy began
with was very aggravating, because
every one knows that the first place
man goes to when he reaches London
is Westminster Abbey, and thenext
place is Shekspeare's burial ground !;
and that this boy should ask me, de-
liberately and with such innocence
about him as he had, il, when /
was in London, l went to Wesbminis-
ter Abbey That is enough to make
man frantic. 1 said, "What was it
you said ?" "When you were in
London were you at Westminster
Abbey ?'' NO." / said, 81 stopped
at Langham's Hotel" Laughter.
"But," he said, sit is not q hotel"
Laughter "Well," 1 said, "what is
it ?" "Why, it is church" 1 said,
ga minute ago you said it was an
abbey" "Well,n he said, sit is an
abbey and church too" said, 81
don't know about that. You appear
to be getting confused in your state
ments how can it be an abbey and q
church at the same time?n Laugh
ter.
"Another gentleman was sitting
there, whose nationality l will not
mention, who said it was perfectly
true that an abbey and the church
were the same thing. / said / was
much Obliged to him Laughter. and
asked him: "Where is this place-this
church; is it in LondOnT 'Oh yesp
he says, 'Of course it is in London.
l., Il kf.sI
dings are? is it part of the Parlia-
ment?' No. said he. what has
Parliament got to do with it?' 1 asked.
1T has not got anything to do with it;
the abbey is close by it, Said /, do
you know how far Westminster Alb
bey is from Lsngham's Hotel, where
Ilived% He said, Il suppose you know
it is some distance.' Said /, '0f
course it is some distance Five or
six miles said he. But said /,
didn't you suppose 1 knew better
than to get up early in the morning
and travel four or five miles to church
when there were plenty Of churches
all around?' He said, Il didn't expect
you to go to church. Said /, what
did you expect me to do?' He said,
Look at the monuments and things
monuments of everybody that has
done anything and is dead. Their
bodies are buried there 1 said do
you mean that they actually take up
the planks and bury men under the
foor% He said, There were no
planks there l said, DO they bury
them right under the seats p He
said, 'Of course they do Said I,
is that healthy {? Laughter.
Well,' he said, 1 don't know,
whet her it was healthy or not, they
do it in all the churches 1 said it
was a curious custom; l had never
heard of anything like IT. If any of
my friends were in Westminster
Abbey 1 should not want people sit
ting round on their tombstones.'
[Lsughter.1 He said, You didn't
hear the canon, then?' Il don't re-
member said ]; 4 am a man of
peace, and don't know anything
about artillery, anyway Laughter
and applause. By this time the boy
had not yet walked up, but the rest OF
the company who had gathered
around had, and so we stopped the
fun. As there is no moral to the
I won't attempt to put any
to it. But, as said, in the absence
Of having a speech to make to you, 1
thought / would simply tell an
in honor CT Canon Kingsley.