The Rutland daily globe. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1873-1877, 1874-10-26
Josh Billings ON Hotels.

Josh Billings ON Hotels.
Hotels are houses of refuge, homes f,r
the Migrants, the married mans retreat, and
the bachelors fireside.
They are kept in all sorts ov ways some
on the European plan, and menny ov them
on no plan at all
A good landlord IL like good stepmoth-
er--he knows hiz lizzincss, and means to
do hiz duty.
He knows how to rub hiz hands with joy
when the traveller draws nigh; he knows
how to smi'e; he knew yurc wife's father
when he waz living, and yure wife's fust
husband, but he don't speak about him.
lie kon tell whether it will rain to.mor-
row or not; he hears yure complaints with
tear in his eye; he blows up the servants
at yure suggestion, and stands around red
dy. with a shirt collar NJ stiff az broken
china.
man may be good suprram court
ju ge, and at the same time be miserable
landlord.
Most everybody thinks they can keep
hotel-and they kan; but this ackounts for
the CRATE number of hotels that are kept on
the same principle that a justiss ov the
peace offiss IL kept in the country during
six-days jury trial for killing somebody's
yello dorg.
A hotel won't keep ITSELF and keep the
landlord too, and kurc traveller from the
habit Ov profane swareing.
i hav had this experiment tried on me
several times, and it alwus makes the
swares wuss.
1t il too often the kase that landlords go
into the Dizziness Ov hash az ministers go
into the professhun-with the very best ov
motives, but the poorest kind ov prospects,.
don't know ov emmy Dizziness more fiat
tersum than the tavern Dizziness. There
don't seem tew be ennything tew do but
tew stand in front ov the register with pen
behind the ear, and see that the guests en-
ter themselfs az soon az they enter the
house; then yank bell-rope six or seven
times; and then tell John tew sho the gen.
tleman tew 976; and then take four dollars
and fifty cents next morning from the poor
devil o- " traveller, aud let him went.
This seems tew be the whole thing and
it IL the whole thing in most cases.
Yu will diskover the following deskrip-
shun mild one ov about hotels out ov 10
between the Atiantk and Pacifick Oshuns,
akrost the United States in straight line
Yure room IL Is foot inches, by Q foot
inches, parallelogramly.
1t being court week (az usually, all the
good rooms are employed bi the lawyers
and judges.
Yure room is on the uttermost floor
The carpet is ingrain-ingrained with the
dust, kerosene lie, and ink-spots ov four
generashuns.
There IL two pegs in the room tew hitch
coats onto, one ov them broke oph, and the
other pulled out, and missing.
The buro haz three legs and one brick.
The glass tew the buro swings on two
pivots, which have lost their grip
There IL one towel on the rack, thin, but
wet. The rain-water in the pitcher cum
out ov the well.
The soap IL az tuff tew wear az whet-
stone.
The soap IL scented with cinnamon lie,
and variagated with spots.
Thare IL three chairs, kane settlers; one
il rocker, and all three are busted.
Thare il a matchbox, empty.
Thare liz no kurtin tew the windo, and
thare don't want tew be emmy; yu kant see
out, and who kan see in?
The bell-rope liz cum oph about inches
this side ov the ceiling.
The bed il modern siat-bottom, with
two mattresses one cotton and one buck,
and both harder and about as thick as sea-
biskitt.
Yu enter the bed sideways, and kan feel
every slat at once, az eazy as yu could the
ribs ov grid-iron
The bed IL inhabited.
Yu sleep sum, but role over a good deal.
Fer breakfast yu hav gong and rhy
koffee too kold tew melt butter, fride pota-
toze which resemble the chips two-inch
auger makes in its joarney thru an oak log.
Bread solid; becfstake about az thik az a
blister-plaster, and so tuf as a hounds
ear.
Table covered with plates, few scared
to-death pickles on one ov them and fly
Endorsed crackers on another.
pewterinktom castor with three bottles
in it, one without emmy mustard and one
with two inches ov drowned flies and vine
gar in it.
you earnestly, and wants tew know ifyu
will take another cup ov koffee.
lu say, mo, MON, thank yu," and push
back yure chair.
Yu haven't eat enuff tew pay for picking
yure teeth.
am about as self-konsaited as it will do
for man tew be and not crack open; but
never yet konsaited that l could keep
hotel had rather be a highwayman than
tew be sum landlords hav visited with.
Thare are hotels that are joy upon
earth; WHARF man pays hiz bill az cheer
fully as he did the parson who married him;
WHARF you kant find the landlord unless yu
hunt in the kitchen; WHARF servants glide
around like angels ov mercy; WHARF the
tels fit mans back like the feathers on
goose and WHARF the vittles taste just az
tho yure wife or yure mother had fried EN-
Theze kind ov hotels ought tew be built
on wheels, and travel around the kuntry.
They are az phull ov real cumfort az a
thanksgiving pueding; but, alass! yes,
alass they are az unplenty az double
yolked eggs.