The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1874-06-13
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
The SHIP WHICH THE Duke OF EDINBURGH HAS
VOW GIyES UP.-The C0urt-ship.
Why is a mans brewery like the well of the
Israelites ?-Beeause he Breirs drink there.
"Birdie is what young husband fondly calls
his wiie,-because she Is always associated in his
mind with a bill.
The man whose hair turned white in a single
night - surpassed by the Boston girl who lost hers
completely IN one dance
chicken in Taberg came from the shell re-
Gently with two bills. We are happy to know it
is dead. There are too many bills in the world
now.
MUsT HAVE YEARSED.-The Chicago Tribune
prints poem IN which the writer wishes that she
had ga heart full Of sweet yearlings." How the
prosecuted author must have yearned to tumble
among that compositor's hair.
A -Ghfr-so p-o-ssL s-ys .La. 10 b. happy on
earth, one must be born in SOochow, live in Can
ton and die i'm Lianchau; for in the first are the
handsOmest women, in the second the richest
luxuries, and in the third the best collins"
EFFECT OF THE EMARRnGE.-BoOkseller: "Will
You have these volumes bound in Russia or Mo-
rocco, sir?'' Retired Coal-dealer: We'll, if
Russia We must encourage that Gar now, you
know"
An Englishman, visiting the White Mountains,
complained of the excessive hilliness Of the coun-
try in all that region, whereupOn the Yankee
stage-driver remarked, ''WaaI, yes, we hev rather
too much land to the acre about here, and so
heU 10 stack AZ S'
AWFUL ExAlRLE-Enter to Mr. Punch, who is
writing his hardest for the evening post, a
called friend, who Is simply ON the lounge
Friend. ''Ah, my boy, how are you? Nearly
five O'Clock. How the days get out - Mr..
Punch: "Imitate them Exit friend.
TRIcKED HER.-A very bad little boy in Dubu-
que rubbed cayenne pepper dust all over the back
OF his Jacket, and then did shamefully in school.
The school ma am thrashed him briskly, but dis
missed school Immediately, to run to the nearest
drug for eye-salve.
AsToNIsHED.-A young lady who entered
Broadway music store; and asked the young man
in attendance, Have you 'IIappy DreamsP" "
was astonished when he replied, ''No, ma am;
I'm mostly troubled with the nightmare" He
didn't know why she went out 50 hurriedly and
slammed the stOre-dOOr after her.
TaE FIRST SrEP-The New York Almanac
eays- Poor, but dishonest young boys, fasten
wrought nails TO the end Of strings, and harpoon
sweet potatoes and apples from their abiding
places in front Of the stores. This may be con-
sdered sTort, but it is the first step on the down.
ward road to Congress"
w
way to kill of the poets who offer to write pieces
gratuitOusly il to accept their efforts, hand them
20 the worst cOmpOsitOr and let the prOOG-reader
correct them according to his own ideas Of pros
ody. This is warranted to destroy the strongest
pOetical leyOr in three weeks.
ALwAYs-A Yisalia man, who dyes his hair
and occasionally visits Mussel Slough on "busi-
ness was down there week OF two since, when
"A lady acquaintance remarked: "Why, Charles,
how gray your hair has turned since you were
here last" ssYes," said Charles, IL was sick
few days after was here, and my hair always
turns when l have fit of sickness
An efIeminate man, says recent writer, "Is
n weak pOultice. lie Is 4 cross between table
beer and ginger-pOp, with the cork lett out; 4
fresh-water mermaid found in a cow pasture with
her hands filed with dandeliOns. He is q teacup
filled with syIlabub; kitten in trousers; a sick
monkey with blonde mOustache. He is vine
without any tendrills; n fly drowned in oil; pa
Der kite in dead calm. He lives like butter
hy-nObody can tell why. He is as harmless as 4
pennywOrth of sugar-candy, ana as useless as a
shirt-buttOn without hole. He is as lazy as 4
slug, and has no more hope than last years sum
mer-hy lie goes through life on tiptoe, and dies
like Cologne water split over the ground"
How An Insurance AGENT WAS BEATES.-Be-
tween KenOsha and Milwaukee, says w IsconsIn
paper, an insurance agent entered a car, and hay-
ing issued tickets to several Of the passengers, ap-
preached an elderly lady, who, it afterwards aP-
peared, was deaf.
Madam, would you like to insure against ac-
cident p inquired the agent
ssI'm going to Oshkosh to visit my darter, who
is married up there and has got baby
The agent raised his voice a little.
Would you like to insure your life against ae-
cident p
''She's married two years and half. It's a
gal.''
Agent, still louder:
"I'm an insurance agent, madam: don't you
want your life insured against accident?'
sOhI / didn't understand you," said the old
lady. .'No, her name is johnson; my name is
Evans, and live five miles from KenOshs.''
The agent vanished.