The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1874-01-16
A LABoR-sAvING INVENTION.

Monsieur Peque'S Patent SeIf-rakIng,
Stem.Winding, Breech.Loading,
Seven.Octave, Nom Explosive Auto.
matte Urchin ChastiseT and Com
bined Hair Comb, Editorial Pro-
IectOr and Hash. Gutter.
20. W. Peque IN the La Crosse Lib raj Demo.
crat.l
This is an age Of invention, and there is
no knowing what a day may bring forth.
Prominent educators have for years
racked their brains and consumed MD
night oil TO devise some method whereby
tue youthful student, the urchin with
thick-soled pantaloons, could Le chastised
as the gravity oil his offence might de-
msnd, without inaicting a more severe
punishment upon the lady teachers hand
than upon the child. Previous TO the in.
vention Of this machine, principals Of
schools have wept 10 see their assistants
go around with their arms in sling from
the furnishing Of scholars. In many in.
stances excellent teachers, who loved their
calling, have been compelled 10 resign
their position and get married, because
they have too much on their hands. The
matter has been discussed at the various
institutes, and 1t had been almost decided
to adopt capital punishment instead Of the
time.honored taking across the knee, when
the inventor Of this machine stepped in,
and by thesimple device above illustrated,
he saved the lives Of many valuable young
ones. The heart Of the inventor was
touched at seeing frail school ma'am
with her right hand swelled up the size
Of a canvas ham from agitating a boy who
had wickedly placed piece Of clapboard
inside Of this trousers, when he knew that
the teacher was on the war path after
him. lie was bad boy, and will proba.
bly, fetch up in Congress. The teacher
was weeping, and saying she would be
cussed II che didn't run that boy through
threshing machine before she got
through with him. The idea at once
struck the inventor that machine could
be constructed that would tan the Jacket,
as 1t were, of the young Modoc, and you
seq the result Of careful thought and
study in the machine before you as q
spanking machine.
What change! Instead OF drcading
the task Of Furnishing scholars, and shiv-
eting at the prospect oil blistercd hands,
the teacher can enjoy the performance,
and look forward 10 the hour for doing
The days spanking with a feeling of pleas.
ure and gladness, and the frown formerly
stereotyped on the face of the average
school ms'sm gives place 10 an angelic
smile. She seats herself at the instru-
ment, with dime novel in her hand, al
Ter placing the condemned urchins in a
row within reach OF the hosting apps.
rstus, or ice toDgs, she smiles touches
the snatch brake with her foot, and the
doomed urchins launched into-lf moi
into eternity, will think so before thai
hand lets up on him. With smile play.
ing over her features she works her tiny
hoof, and theavenging hand descends, thu
boy says his "now I lay me" and the old
machine works as though endowed with
LIE, liberty, and the pursuit OF happiness.
lCare should be taken not to work the
machine too rapid at first, as It may make
htoo hot FOR the boy. Or It might tele
scope his spinal meningitis, with fatal re-
suits. Any teacher can work II all right
after killing few scholars OF the cheaper
Kind, 1t will only take a moment Of
Teading to make any boy sorry he en-
listed, when he can be dropped and the
next can be snatched. A whole school
can be spanked up in fifteen minutes, Il
me teacher Is anything OF treader. We
make different sized machines, suitable
lot the primary department, the inferno,
date, the high school, and mechanics arc
~ WORK constructing one Of huge proper,
lions for the chairman OF The Republicsr
State Central Committee, 10 be used or
u1ruly members OF that party. -
The ease with which this machine car
DC changed from one thing 10 spotbeI
%lll convince the reader that Il ia almost
human; twill remind one Of a politician
every time 1t changes. To change II from
spsnktng-machine TO a selffSkert al al
you nave to do is to unscrew the Shand i
remove It, and screw on a fine com /
enange hands with the bow, and nr SS
70 SeSfeh Tor things that live and move
T STG nave 'm being, and bite BOYS heads
Tins viii tend TO relieve mothefs q, TTci
seaching Investigation, as the sc si,oOI
teacher can, by simply moving ny her eSI seet