Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1874-12-02
The EccentricitieS of Drunkenness.
BY GEORGE W. BUNGA'

When a man is manufactured into a
drunkard he depreciates in value, be-
cause "the raw material is worth more
than the article that is manufactured:'
besides, it won't hold water, and the
market is overstocked. In glancing at
the unhappy and unfortunate men who
drink to excess, we see how differently
they are affected by habits of intern
perance. One man is like the old
fashioned spirit thermometer-the
liquor rises to the bulb, and his head is
drunk, while the rest OF his body seems
to be sober. He stands up straight, and
walks in direct line, but all the facul-
ties OF his mind are staggering and reel
ing under the influence Of rum.
Ii he has taste (for anything but
hquor), it is perverted and tipsy. His
understanding (save that part of his per-
son on which he stands) is drunk. His
tongue staggers in speech, and his words
come SPRAYING over his lips, like sim
pletons hustled out of a saloon at mid
night He looks at you with drunken
eyes, Hood says you can tell when a
man has been at his cups by the size of
his saucers. Another man, instead of
getting drunk at the top first, appears
to be hollow, and what is poured into
him seeks the lower extremities; hence,
his feet are affected first, andse to be
entangled with invisible Irvine. The
topper moves as though he was stepping
on tread-mill. He carefully lift,
his feet high above the grounds
and then permits them to fall sud
denl "a proof that great bodies do not
always move slowly. He would walk on
both sides of the road at the same time
If he could, but that is a feat no feet
can perform. The more he fills up his
body with liquor, the less power he has
to keep himself up; so he falls, and
when on his back he feels upwards for
the ground. Gin and gravitation are
too much for man of calibre. His
head is not SO far gone as his heels: he
is tdown at the heels. land his head is
''above 3, water much above
whisky and water. A very little of the
ardent will intoxicate some finely or
ganized persons, while others will swal-
low the poison with all the stiffness and
solidity of junk Bottles; and one will
have to pour a great deal of new wine
into such. old bottles before they will
burst. Talk about the drachms that
make a scruple, they will take any
number of drains without scruple. The
morning sling, the noontide drink, the
evening teddy the eye-open the appet-
ter, the digester, the settler, the night cap,
the sleep-soother, are few of the lead
ing drinks they take, and the spaces
between them are filed up with treats
and CALLS Such drinkist is walking
punch-bowl Touch him with lance,
and he bleeds punch; walk him out in
the hot sun and he perspires punch;
appeal to his tender sympathies, and
tell him he can't have another drop,
and he weeps tears of punch; tell him a
funny story, and his laughter sounds
like the ,gurgling of punch spilled from
the bowl A man of this stamp boasts
OF his capacity to hold a large quantity
OF liquor. He looks contemptuously
on the poor tippler who only holds a
pint or less. There is the facetious
topper, who, if Darwin's ideas of the
origin OF man are well founded, must
be the descendant of an ape; he chat