Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1874-03-19
The DeacOn's Hat.

We learn from newspaper slips and
| private letters Of rather ridiculous &C.
| currence in Norwalk, Ohio. The hero is
a prominent and respected deacOn-Dea-
con c., we understand. The other Sunday
| he started for church with an old hat on
his head. It was an easy hat, and the old
gentleman enjoyed it. 1t appears there
are pegs to hang hats on in the churches
there. He thus disposed his headgear on
reaching the church, and took his seat
with the congregation. When the services
were over he fingered, as is customary
and proper for deaCOns to do. He finally
reached the porch and stopped for his
hat, and any respectable citizen can i'm
agine the horror he experienced on be-
holding but one hat left, and that most
dilapidated and Notwithstanding arti-
| Gle He could feel his blood boil within
| him as he looked at it and thought Of the
mutton-head who owned it and walked off
with his glossy beaver instead. He said
| out aloud that the owner of that hat was
a mutton head, and ground his deacOnish
| heel into the floor and felt much relieved
| by so doing. Then he tied handker-
| chief about his head because the old hat
was much too large for him and he could
not wear it, even if flesh and spirit had
not revolted against the spectacle. He
| told the sexton that that hat must have
| been built in a dry-dock, and that
| the only thing that troubled him in
| the matter was how man with head
of that size got into church anyway.
Then he stalked majestically homeward,
with the red handkerchief wound about
his head, and the detestable hat held at
arms length ahead of him, and altogether
forming a spectacle that fastened the as
tOnished attention of every beholder. Ar
irving at home he extended the article to-
ward his wife, and, waiting an instant for
her to take in the awful enormity of the
offense, he explosively shouted, Look at
that villainous rag!" The lady looked at
it, and was astonished. II don't wonder
you are SICK" he howled, morosely; ait
makes me sick to think of the bullhead
who owns such smOke-stack, palming
| it off on me, and taking my new beaver
| for himself in mistakei" He ground this
out with whitening sarcasm. A pretty
mistake, [ must say, when his miserable
rag is big enough to cover a cart, and
| filthy enough to make a crow sick"
But that's your everyday hat" asserted
| his wife, in still greater establishment
My hat!n gasped the amazed Deacon,
| staring at her with ewes half way out of
their sockets, and then laughing hysteri-
cally, and shivering from head to foot
Certainly it is" persisted his wife,
and here is your best hat" taking this
article from its accustomed place and
holding it out to him. Without word
the miserable man sank into chair, and
| after staring blankly at his wife for a
moment slowly said: "The ways of Prov
idence are past finding out; rub ny head,
Mauldy !'-Da'abury Neaos.
STATISTICS of intemperance in New
ork show that the vice is on the increase,
and, what is worse, that Incorporate
women are more nearly irreclaimable
than Incorporate men. The number of
men committed to the workhouse from
January, 1870, to January, 1874. six times
for drunkenness was los; number of
women committed six times. 8. 7O2: num-
Der committed seven times-men. IS !:
women, 602; number committed ten times
men, 1871; women, 1857; number COM
mitted one hundred times-men. 1 !:
women, 90; total number committed in
four years-men, $50; women. 9OO6: or
Is females to one male. These figures
exhibit sad fact, and demonstrate the
necessity of some effective measures for
retaining the female victims to this
habit