Holmes County Republican. [volume] (Millersburg, Holmes Co., O. [Ohio]) 1870-1895, 1874-05-28
Scared Out Of a Wife.
A Laughable Story.

The narrative which l am about to
relate, was teld to me one bleak, cold
night, in a country parlor. 1t was one
Of those nights in mid-winter, when
the wind swept over the land, making
everything tingle with its frosty breath,
that was seated before a blazing fire,
surrounded by jolly half-dozen boys,
and an old bachelor-a Peter Green
about forty and eight years old.
1t was just the night without, to
make those within, enjoy good story,
so each of us had to tell his favorite
story, save Mr.. Green, and as he was a
jolly old fellow, we all looked for jolly
story. We were somewhat surprised
to hear him say, 81 have no story that
would interest you,'' so We had to find
other entertainments tor time, when
one of the boys told me to ask him how
1t happened that he never got married.
So l did.
swell, gentlemen" he began, ''it
don't seem right for me to tell how that
happened, but as it is about myself, 1
don't care much. You see, when was
young, we had TO walk as high as five
miles to church and singing school,
which was our chief enjoyment. But
this don't have anything to do with my
not getting wife, but 1 just wanted to
show You that we had some trouble
them days in getting our sport"
John Smith and I were brothers, or
like "Mary and her little lamb" where
one went the other was sure to go. So
we went to see two sisters, and we were
not the best boys imaginable, the old
gentleman took umbrage, and wouldn't
allow us to come near the house, so We
would take the girls to the end of the
lane, and there we would have to take
the final kiss.
We soon got tired of that sort of fun,
and told John, ON our way to singing
school one night, that I was going to
take Sadie home, and was going into
the house, too.
He said the old man would run ME if
I did.
1 told him l was going to risk it any
how, let come what would.
He said sshe would risk it if 1
would" +.tss.-
So home we went with the girls.
When we got to the end of the lane, /
told the girls we proposed going all the
way.
They looked at each other in way l
didn't like too well, but they said the
old folks would be in bed, so they did
not care if we did,
They were a little more surprised yet,
when told them We were going In a
little while, but as all was quiet when
we got to the house, we had no trouble
In getting into the kitchen. ~
Then, and there, we had our first
court, and l made up my mind to ask
Sadie to be my wife the next time
came.
1t was now past the turn of the night,
and as we had four miles to walk, told
John we would have to be going. So
we stepped out ON to the porch, but just
as we did so the sky was lit up by
| lightning, and one tremendous peal
rolled along the mountain sides. Its
echoes had not died out in the far off
wales, until the rain began to pour from
the garnered fullness of the clouds. We
waited for it to stop, until we were all
sleepy, when the girls said we should
go to bed in the little room at the head
of the stairs, which led out of the kitch-
en-, as their father didn't get up early,
we could be home before the old folks
were astir. So after bidding the girls
sweet good highland hugging them
a little--and wishing them pleasant
dreams, and promising them to come
back next Saturday night, we started
for bed.
| We didn't have far to go, as the bed
stood at the head of the stairs. John
was soon in bed, but as was always q
little slow, and full of curiosity, l was
looking around the little room.
At last thought would sit down
on chest, which was spread over with
q nice, white cloth, while drew off my
boots. So down sat, when, stars Of
the east, 1 went plump into big egg
custard pie!
/ thought John would die laughing,
for he said l smashed that custard all
to thunder, and broke the plate right in
two.
You see, we had to be awful quiet, SO
that the old man would not hear.
/ was now ready to get in bed, so
put the light ont and picked up nv