The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1874-06-15
JOSH BILLINGS.

His Experiences I'm ana ArOunu
Pittsburgh.
From the New York Weekly.
Leaving Altoona after breakfast Sum
day morning, we soon passed the hi
grade on the Pennsylvania road, at the
celebrated horse shu crook, where the
trains form a half circle almost, and
the engine seems determined to run
into the rear car.
Upon your left, as w round th's
memorable bend, yu kan look down
into a gorge and see the smallest COWS
WI ever witnessed, running around IN a
barn yard, no bigger than wharf rats
The gorge IL ether very deep, or the
cows are some nu breed that don't
grow large.
The scenery is simply grand, aud the
air IL az pure az the best brand ov GIN
Imean, ev course, Hydro-glp.
At about 2 o'clock in the afternoon
me and mi wife, (or rather mi wife and
me, Tor she is the queen Dee In our
hive.) found ourselfs pleazantly enutf
bouzed in No. &c, at the Mouongahela
house. right upon the banks OF the
Monongahela river.
1t IL perhaps unnecessary 10 i'm ,orm
the poet, the chemist, or the phlloso'
pher, that the Ohio river IL formed at
Pitts burgh, out ov the surplus water
FURNISHED bi the AlIeghanny and Mon
ongahelia riverp, just out ov the CITY.
For the manuiakter ov iron, and the
making ov things generally ov solid
na,ur, Pittsburgh stands al the he'd ov
all the American cltye.
There liz one thing about the place
couldn't help but notlss, ami that " the
smoke that hangs around the city, snG
this smoke IL full OF settings which
drop on yu az RoizeIess as sno hake'
but good deal dlrtyer. ,
made a cluss estimate upon 1t, and
find that a paper collar and a pair ov
ristbands will &c! oph culiar, IN Fits
burgh, in just ii minutes.
The only reliable people here are the
dsrkeys ii mean reliable on ackount ov
culler) the smoak settings don't seem
to inkrease their compleX4huns.
Pittsburgh IL a splendid sItty for
bizzness, and is kredlt to itself, and
an honnor to the American people.
The populashun Of the place forgot
to inquire about, but presume it II one
hundred thousand more or less, or
Whereabouts, ackording to circum-
stances; this IL az near az can git al
it, without taking up too much ov the
readers valuable time.
konsider mi duty to state az rell-
abble skribbler for the fearless and in
dependent press, that the Ohio river IL
the most unsertain brook laid down on
the maps, az lar az water IL concerned
for it is dry E months in the year, troze
over the other 6 months, and the bal
lance OF the time haz more water in II
than the average inhabitant knows
what TO do with.
Mi short visit to Pittsburgh afforded
me another fine opportunity to study
that pet anomaly ov mine, ! mean the
uppolished and ecentrik mule.
| hav hunted the mule X usser than
ennv ov the modern ornithologlsts hav
ever az yet dared to, and hav not yet
more than one half developed nv use
phulness and hiz kussdDess combined
| hung around one tor hafl an hour
Yesterday on the levee, IN front ov the
Monongshela House, who had kon-
kluded no, TO draw tun and han oV
koke up the hill.
never saw a Qusdrlped take more
coaxing and Rubbing, in the same
length ov time, to say nothing about
the dsmming, and offered to bet q
higtander ) dollars that the mule would
finally win, and he did win, for the
driver al to dump the coal out
inst as soon as the coal was dumpt
ont that fertile and festive kuss began
to Xix, and in three minutes he had
that coal kart all worked up into kind
ling wood aud went FLEEING up the levee
INTO the City with the remains oy tue
harness fluttering about him like a
cIotbes line filed with Monday wash
and tanned bi the breth ov 8 stiff north
wester. ,ul
I shouted, Bully for the mule, and
several oy the bistanders lookt daggers
and skalping knives at me. MI mo"o
bov sllwuss been, and will continue on
to be, May the best man win
Jon't care whether the bistanders like
il or not.
Thar is only one thing more contra
~ and at the same time more pIncky'
than the mule, and he is the swine "
kant convince q swine that 'hey az
wropg-or right either. ,
Monday morning left Pittsourgf
for Kit,anning, bi the Allegheny Val
lev Ralerode. ,,
| was invited to deliver a Iektur a
this place. The title ov the lek'ur wa
"Buty and the Beast," and am wiiHps
n admit that the title il about all thar
y nv the lektur. | don't never urge o.
advise envy one to invite me 10 lhel
civ TO lekiur; but il they do, l wan
to hav them pay me the price OF 'n'
irk,ur, and then abuza me az mu'ch a.
they pleaze. :, mn
Thare IL so mutch nonsense 10 on
ov mi lekrurs that the common NM mn:
kant alwuss average it. 1t takes eddi
kashun to shoulder q lektur 'ha'
nonsense on the outside. =.
~ .a-l., unnlA look Ike want