Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1874-06-04
PHUNNYGRAMS.

-"Well, Sambo, what's yer up to now
adays?" "Oh, / is a carp'ner and jiner.
Hey; l guess you is. What depart
ment?" "Why, l does de circ'lar work /;
l turns de grindstone!"
Much given to serenading his dull
cinea with I'm lonely tonight, love,
without thee" a lOvelorn swain was IN
terrupted by dogs the other evening, who
ettectually dispelled his Loneliness during
a two-mile race.
"A lady had her dress trimmed with
bugles before going to ball. Her little
daughter wanted to know if the bugles
would blow when she danced. 80,
no." said the mother, papa will 90 that
when he sees the bill"
An engineer on the Western North
Carolina Railroad shouted to a crowd
who had gathered to see the first train OF
cars come in, Put down your umbrel-
las! you'll scare the engine Oft the
track" The umbrellas were lowered at
once.
"A luckless undergraduate, on being
examined for his degree and failing in
every subject upon which he was tried,
complained that he had not been ques-
toned on things that he knew. The eX-
amlner tore off about an inch of paper,
and pushing it toward him desired him
to write upon it all he knew.
"A boy six years old, having been much
Iectured by his father on the babyishness
OF crying when any calamity happened,
cheered the paternal heart the other
morning by saying: Harry Bolton
cried nearly all day cause his father
died, but if you should die, pa, l
wouldn't cry bit"
A Scotchman went to a lawyer once
for advice and detailed the circumstances
OF the case. Have you told me the
facts precisely as they occurred ?" asked
the lawyer. " oh! aye, sir!" replied he !;
| thought it best to tell We the plain
truth. Ye can put the lies into it your
self"
dad, if I were to see a duck on the
wing and were to shoot it, would you lick
me?" 90 no, my son; it would show
that you were a good marksman, and l
would be proud of you" We'll, then,
dad, peppered our old Muscovy duck as
he was flynn over the fence today, and it
would have done you good to see him
drop!"
"A traveller at a hotel rose from his bed
at night to examine the weather; but in
stead OF looking out on the sky he thrust
his head through the glass window of a
cupboard. "Bless mel" he muttered,
"this is very singular weather. The
night is as dark as pitch, and smells of
cheese!"
"A keen-witted servant girl in Troy, N.
Y, told the milkman the other day that
he gave his cows too much salt. "HOw
do you know that?" said the lactealist.
Sure | kin tell be the milk that they
dhrlnk too much wather entirely!" said
the girl. The milkman drove off in a
hurry.
-" What are you hallooing about,
Blll? said mother at the stair-foot one
evening after her two boys had been put
to bed. Please, mother" said Bill, "Jem
wants half the bed" "Well," says she,
"let him have it, and you take the other
half" Yes, mother" says Bill, but he
will have his half out of the middle and
make me sleep on both sides of him."
"A man who can have his corns
mashed without grumbling is undoubt-
edly possessed of a tolerably good dispo-
sition. One man being once at a political
meeting said, in pleasant manner, to a
big, burly fellow who was standing upon
his toe: "MY dear sir, are you not a mill
err" ono, sir; why do you ask ?"
"Why, sir, the fact is thought you were
a miller, and very honest one, too, be-
cause you have been grinding my corns
this half hour without taking toll"