The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1874-07-23

good deal dirtyer.
made o cluss estimate upon It, and
find that q paper collar and pair oy
wristbands will get oph cullar In Pitts
burgh in just IA minutes.
The only reliable people here are the
darkeys Il mean reliable on ackount Of
cullar); the smoke settings don't seem TO
inkrease their complexshuns,
Pittsburgh 10 splendid sitty for biz.
ness, and Is kredit to itself, and an hon.
or to the American people.
The populashun Of the place forgot 10
inquire about, but presume 1t IL one hun.
dred thousand, more or less, or there.
abouts, ackording to circumstances; this
IL az near az can git at It without taking
up too much ov the readers valuable
time.
l konsider mi duty to state az reliab.
BILE skribbler for the fearless and indepen.
dent press, that the Ohio river IL the
most unsertsin brook laid down on the
maps, az lar az water IL concerned, for II
is dry 8 months in the year, froze over the
other @ months, and the balance Of the
time haz more water In it than the aver.
age inhabitant knows what to do with.
Mi short visit TO Pittsburgh afforded
me another fine opportunity to study
that pet anomaly oV mine, I mean the
unpublished and ecentrik mule,
| hav hunted the mule klusser than
emmy oV the modern ornithalogists hav
ever az yet dared to, and hav not vet
more than one half developed his usephul.
ness and hiz kussidness combined.
! hung around one for hall an hour yes.
terday on the levee, in front ov the Mon
ongahela House, who had konkluded not
to draw a tun and half oy koke up the
hill.
l never saw quadriped take more
coaxing and Rubbing in the same length
ov time, TO say nothing about the dam.
ming, and offered to bet bistander s
dollars that the mule would finally win,
and he did win, for the driver had to
dump the coal out.
Just as soon as the coal was dumped
out that fertile and festive kuss began to
Xix, and in three minutes he had that coal
kart all worked up into kindling wood
and went flying up the levee into the city
with the remains ov the harness huttering
about him like clothes line filed with
Mondays wash and famed bi the breth
oy stiff Northwestern.
l shouted, "Bully Tor the mule" and
several OF the bistanders lookt daggers
and skalping knives at me. My motto has
allwuss been, and will continue on 10 be,
MAY the best man win y l don't care
whether the bistanders like 1t or not.
Thar Is only one thing more contrary,
and at the same time more plucky than
the mule, and he Is the swine. Yu kant
convince sswine that that they are wrong
or right either. 7-,7-r---
Monday morning lett Pittsburgh for
Kittanning, bi the Allegheny Valley rale-
rode.
l was invited to deliver lektur at this
place. The title ov the lektur was "Buty
and the Beast" and I am willing to ad.
nit that the title IL about all thare IL ov
the lektur. I don't never urge or advise
emmy one to invite me to their city to
lektur; but II they do, want to hav them
TO pay me the price ov the lektur, and
then abuze me az much az they pleaze.
Thare IL 80 much nonsense In one ov
mi lekturs that the common mind kant
alwuss average 1t. 1t takes eddikashun
to shoulder a iektur that Il nonsense on
tho outside.
These remarks would look like vanity
in sum folks, but they will pass for wis
dun in mo.
Tho Alleghaney Valley ralerode haz
been called bt sum smart cuss the "Val.
ley ov Deth," from sportive way they
hav ov jumping their kars of from the
track about twice week reglar, and
drowning the inmates In the river. But
am more than haffinclined to think that
this title for the road Is too much, for l
made tho trip to Kittanning and back,
and saved mi life in the operashun. ]
must say, for the konsolashun ov those
who travel to see the butys Of natur, that
the train took from Pittsburgh to Kit
tanning affords the toorist a big advant.
age for studying the lay oV the land, and
Tor reading the signs on the different gro
cerys; for, while the distance Is only forty
miles, we made forty.six full stops and
nine pauzes, to let passengers git oph
and on. e "a
Kittanning IL blrst with about 2 thou
sand inhabitants, and all the people
seemed happy bekause they waz biZzy,
Sumthing to do and a willingness to do
it IL the principal plank in human happy:
ness.
I notissed one thing that pleazed me
much: all the dogs l met In the street
gave me the whole Of the sidewalk, and
wagged their tails when they passed me
into the bargain. #fha
This speaks volumes; for wherever yer
find the dogs good natured yer will find
their owners kind and polite.
Ilektured on Specimen Bricks" in the
court house to a congregation OF 500, and
was pleazed to see that they listened.
l had rather make a man listen than L
make him lSf, for he may remember
what he listens to, and IL too often more
than halt ashamed OF what he lafs at.
4 This amt the fault Of humor; 1t IL only
4 its misfortune.