The Worthington advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1874-1908, 1874-10-17
MARK TWAIn'S COLD.

| MARK TWAIN'S COLD.
How 1t Affected 1Iim"-Some Of thu
Remedies He Took for 1t.
At the commencement exercises o
one Of the New York grammar schools
on Thursday last, Miss Bertine read
the following letter from the we'll know
humorist, Mr.. Clemens:
HARTFORD, Conn.,, Oct. 5. l874.--Mis:
X. W. White-Dear Madam: Iregret
exceedingly being unable to accept
your kind invitation (also Mr.. p. &
Duffy's> to he present at your com
mencement exercises, but the annoying
and vexatious illness which still hangs
about me, together with some business
engagements, will prevent. The illness
to which l refer is a severe cold which
[ took in New York last winter during
the lecture season. Perhaps the recital
of how l tried to cure this cold may be
Of interest, and may serve instead OF
the few remarks you so politely asked
me to make to the friends and pupils.
The first time tegan to sneeze, a
friend told me to 60 and bathc my feet
in hot water and 60 to bed. I did so.
Shortly after another friend told me to
get up, and take cold shower bath. !
did that also. Within the hour, an.
other friend assured me that it was pol.
icy to feed cold and starve fever.
had both. So thought it best to fill
myself up for the cold, and let the
fever starve awhile. In case of this
kind seldom do things by halves; |
ate pretty heartily. I conferred my
custom upon stranger. who had just
opened his restaurant on Cortlandt
street near the hotel, that morning,
paying so much for a full meal. He
waited near me in respectful silence un'
til had finished feeding my cold, when
he inquired if the people about New
York were much afflicted with colds. !
told him thought they were. He
then went out and took in his sign.
I Istarted up toward the office, and On
the way encountered another bosom
friend, who told me that quart of warm
saltwater would come as near curing a
cold Us anything in the world. hardly
thought had room for it, but tried it
anyhow. The result was surprising. I
believe l threw up my immortal soul.
Now as / give my experience only for
the benefit Of those Of your friends who
are troubled with this distemper, I
feel that they will see the propriety OF
my cautioning them against following
such portions Of it as proved inefficient
with me, and, acting upon this convic.
tion, warn them against warm salt.
water. It may be good enough rem.
edy, but rather think it is too severe.
If had another cold in the head and
there was no course left me but to
take either an earthquake or a quart
Of warm salt water, would take my
chances on the earthquake. After
this everybody in the hotel became
interested, and l took all sorts of rem
dies-hot lemonade, cold lemonade
pepper tea, boneset, stewed Quaker
hoarhound syrup, onions and loaf;
sugar, lemons and brown sugar, vim
egar and laudanum, five bottles fiji
balsam, eight bottles cherry pectoral.
and ten bottles Uncle Sam remedy, but
all without effect. One of the rrescrip
tions given by an old lady was-well, il
was dreadful. She mixed decoctior
composed of molasses, catnip, pepper.
mint, aqua fortis, turpentine, kerosene
and various other drugs, and instructed
me to take wine glassful Of it every
fifteen minutes. I never took but one
dose; that was enough. I had to take
to my bed, and remain there for two
entire days. When felt q little bet
ter more things were recommended.
was desperate, and willing to take any
thing. Plain gin was recommended
then gin and molasses, then gin and
onions. took all three. l detected
no particular result, however, except
that 1 had acquired a breath like tur
key.buzzard, and had to change my
boarding place. At this new place they
suggested different remedy to any YET
tried. A sheet bath was recommended
I had never refused a remedy yet, and
it seemed poor policy to commence
then; therefore [ determined to take a
sheet bath, though l had no idea what
sort of an arrangement it was. 1t was
administered at midnight, and the
weather was very frosty. My back and
breast were stripped, and sheet (thert
appeared to be thousand yards of it)
soaked in ce-water was wound arounC
me until [ resembled swab for a co.
lumbiad. It is cruel expedient. Wher
the chilly rag touches ones flesh ir
makes him start with sudder
violence and gasp for breath
just as men do in the
death agony. 1t froze the marrow in
my bones and stopped the beating O
my heart. l thought my time ha(
come. When recovered from this ;
friend recommended the application O.
a mustard plaster to my breast. I be-
lieve that would have cured me effect
ually if it had not been for young
Clemens. When 1 went to bed I pu
the mustard plaster where could reach
it when should be ready for it. Blu
young Clemens got hungry in the nigh
and ate it up. lnever saw child will
such an appetite. I am confident tina
he would have eaten me if I had bee,
healthy. After all this experience yo'
cannot wonder that I dread going t.
New York, and feel obliged to declin
your kind invitation. Wishing you
successful and pleasant time, remain
very respectfully,
S. L. CLEMENS MARK Twain.)
Heavy frosts occurred Sunday an
Monday nights throughout Kentuck,
and over northern Tennessee. 1t is es
timated one-half to two.thirds the Ken
lucky tobacco crop was killed, and tn
Louisville market is, in consequences
cited and advancing.