Sunbury American. [volume] (Sunbury, Pa.) 1848-1879, 1874-03-20
BumOrcue skrttbs

GGcCmmDHlN rough on MIN. lie WAS SO-
ins up To Reading the other day, and when
he reached The depot he happened TO look
into he ladies room. 4 woman sat there
yith a loi of baggage aud three children,
nnd Wnrn shc saI Simmer she rushed at
him. and before he could defend himself
she hnug her arms about his neck, nestled
i,., :.ad upon his breast. aud burs: into
tears. Simmer was amazed, indignant,
c.nCauaded and ere lac could find utter
arc., fnr his feelings she exclaimed 'oh,
IIet.y' dear Henry We are united at
ia,,. Are YOU we'll a.? Is Aunt Martha
sill alive? Hav'nr you longed tos your
Louisa? Aud she looked into SINNERS
face, and chung to him, and smiled through
her tears. Madame" " said lac solemnly.
IF am the person alluded To as Henry,
permit me to say that you have made mis-
take. Nv nanny is Lemuei; | have no
Aunt Martha. and don't own solitary
Louisa. Obiige me by letting 20 my coat.
Il .xcitee remark Then she buried heI
bonnet deeper into his wais;coat, and began
10 cry harder than ever, and SAID: ph'
Henry. how-how can YOU treat me so =
How can you pretend that you are not my
husband = Madam screamed Simmer,
If you do moi cease sopping my shlrto"s"m
and remove your umbrella from my corn,
shall be obliged to call the police. Let
n,e go, say The children are here
she persisted they recognize thtir dear
father. Do you not, children z les
they exclaimed. 1t is pat is our dear
pa. Aud they grappled Summer by the
trowsers leg and hung to his ccat tail. 'No-
man he shrieked, This is getting serious.
finland me. saw and be tried to disen-
cage himself from her embrace, while all
the brakemcn, aud the newsboys stood
around and said his conduct was infamous.
In the midst of his struggle a stranger en-
,ar.3 with n CARPET bag. lie looked ex-
actly like Simmer, aud when he saw his
wife in SINNERS arms he became excited,
and he footed Simmer with that carpet
rag and sat on him, and smOte his nose,
and caromcd on his head, and asked HIM
what he meant. Simmer was removed on
a stretcher, and the enemy went oil i'll
cab. He called next day TO apologize. His
wife made mistake because OF Summers
likeness 10 him. And now Simmer wishes
he NAV soon be kicked in the face by
mule. so that he will resemble no other hu-
man being on earth.
TIE worst blunder in what was intended
for pretty speech that ever heard oi'
however. was perpetTated III modern times
by digni:ary o! the church, who was ask
ed 10 marry young couple IN a country
place where he happened to he staying
and was also called upon 10 purpose The
health of the bride and bridegroom at the
subsequent breakfast.
Now the host and hostess were nGted I'D
the country round as the most genial,
and in hand through life so the good d.
vine thought that be might as well turn
this to account in his speech.
To sum up all our good wishes for the
happv nair, whom we have seen united
This morning. he said in conclusion, we
cannot, am sure, do better than to express
= desire that the resul: of their union may
prove strictly analogous to that of the par
ents Of the fair bride
Whereupon the fair bride went into
mysteries, the bridesmaids cOloreG and
locked down, the master Of the house blew
his nose violently.
He who had caused all this commotion,
wisely sat down and held his peace, won
derins at the effect OF his innocent compli-
ment 20 the host and hostess.
He soon, however, found some one Ia en-
tighten him.
She is not their daughter at all, his in
iormant explained, but a neice who came
TO live with them when her own father and
mother were divorced
THERE is an old darkey down in Mary
land who lately voted for local option, as
he understood it, but pot as the public
generally understand it. The story, a true
one. runs thus
At a recent election a friend asked the
old man how he was going to vote.
''Oh,' he replied, ''the Republican tick
et. always vote that ticket"
But how are you going to vote on local
option ?''
The darkey. looking up asked, what is
dat 90
Why, local option is putting down IL
guor," was the reply.
"Lors Massa,' said the darkey, ''of
course | vote for local option; votes to
put down liquor 10 the price, fp-penny-bit
a pint!''
An Irish servent, newly engaged, pre-
sented TO his master one morning pair of
boots, the leg of one Of which WAS much
longer than the other. "IIow comes il,
you rascal. that these boots are not Of the
same length - Il really don't know sir :;
but what bothers me most is that the pair
down stairs arc in the same fix
SAW DUST BRANDY.-Wc are sorry to
learn that a German chemist has succeeded
ia making first-rate brandy out Of sawdust
We are a friend of the temperance move
meni, and we want it TO succeed, but what
chance will it have when man can take
rip-saw and 90 out and get drunk with
fence-rail What is the use ola proEIbitory
liquor law if man is able to make brandy
smashes out Of the shingles on the roof or
if he eau get deiirum tremens by drinking
the legs of his kitchen chairs? You NAV
shut an inebriate out of n gin shop, and
keep him away from tayerns, but if he can
become uproarious on boiled saw dust and
dessiccated window-sills, any effort at re-
form muct necessarily be a failure. twill
oe wise, therefore, if temperance societies
will butcher the German chemist before he
goes any further. His receipt ought not TO
be made public. lie should be stuffed with
distilled oard-yards until he perisbes with
mania potu.