South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-08-14

Aohh2 VI AoihAobc III lOWu III ludt olhAc JOIN
your right hands. Do you want one another p
lThey both answer Yes.u well, then, have
one another. You're man and wife.
--'Lenny, you're pig, said q father to his
five year old boy. Now do you know what a
pig is, Lenny2 'Yes, pa pigs hogs lit
Tie boy
A barber of Portland Maine, collects his pay
from customers when he gets them half shaved
"A man might as well try 10 cit still with a
crooked pin under him, as TO run with the girls
and no. learn to love them.
Dear me- how Gudly he talks, said Mrs.
PartiDgton recently at q temperance meeting
Il am always rejoiced when he mounts the nos
trils, for his elOquence warns every cartridge in
my body
"A mother sent her boy for the following ar
tcles: bar Of soap, piece of music entitled,
Waiting at the Gate Love three needles, a fea-
Their, bottle of hair oil, a copy of the "South
Branch Intelii9eneer' pound Of starch, a mend
ed earring, half pound of candy, ten cents
worth of lime, clothes line, basket of shaw
ings, and paper of ground cinnamon. What
the boy bro't back half pound Of candy
A very old man once went TO the King of
Sparta and lamented the degeneracy Of The times
What you say is undoubtedly true, for remem-
Der that, when was boy, beard my father
say that when he was a boy he heard my grand
father say the same thing
You don't say so ? exclaimed Mrs. Smig-
gins at Catskill, when told that the view from
the Mountain House extended over 0, 600 square
miles-''yOu don't say so Why, London is
only 5000 miles of. Point it out, please
"A young man at party being told TO
"bring forth the old Tyre" brought out his
mother-in-aw.
Think between thinks if you please, but
don't drink between drinks.
-"Misus Snowdrop,' Said a gentleman Of CO.
Tor the other afternoon during shower to a Ia
dy of his acquaintance, "as de wedder is some
what smphibious, will you do me do honor to
step under my umrbeller an form quorum %
Tank you, Mister Rilups l will. In dis we'd
der an umbreller is RAIDER cosmopolitan. Ter
ritoriaL Enterprise
When Sartoris, (the person who married
President Grants daughter Nellie, )left New York
on his weddingtrip, he presented with a
beautiful willow travelling case con tanning a do
zen fancy bottles Of the best old rye whisky. -
Being private property, it was taken to his state
room, where during the voyage across the ocean
II gradually shrunk till by the time the ship
reached Queenstown the last bottle was emptied
Before stepping aboard the royal tender to be
taken ashore, he turned the dying mohican up-
side down, saw the last drops trckle into a glass
when he said "lIere's to the ship that brought
ns safe over ~ Nellie looked at him moment
partly in sorrow and more in anger, and said ::
"Wby Algernon That is the last of a dozen
bottles, declare you getting to be almost as
bal as par
"A young lady in Pennsylvania town put
piece of wedding cake under her pillow, and
went to bed with the happy belief that she would
dream OF seeing her future husband That eve
Ling, however, she had eaten two plates of lee
cream, about pint of strawberries, several
sweet cakes, and two largo pickles, and she now
says she would rather remain single all her life
than marry the man she saw in her dream.
How He Proved hit is the custom in Next
co for the clergy to require foreigner, wishing
to marry native, to bring proof that lie is not
already a married man. An American, about
to marry senorta Of very good family, was re-
quired to furnish tho proof of his being bacho.
lor Not finding any Of bis countrymen who
knew him sufficiently well to testify to this fact
he determined to supply the deficiency with the
oath OF native.
Meeting Mexican IN the street, whom he had
never seen before, our countrymGn proposed 10
him that he should swear TO his bcino un,nar.
ried for the consideration Of five dollars. The Sc
nor, after moments study, said to the Yankee
Got down on your hands md knees and
creep about"
Not exactly understanding what nc was a,
our friend obcyed, much 10 tho letfment Of his
uumcntionables. The other party then told him
he was oil right that he would swear that thc
American had not been married since lac knew
him, and that was since Tho time he crawle1.
The wrinItled Old lady who predicted that
cnianides would follow fast upon ihc tail of nc
departing comet can now 60 around and collect
her bets
"A gentleman, on presenting n lace COLLAR 20
bis adorcd one, said carefully "Do not let any
one else rumplc It," No, dear. she replied.
'I'll take it or"
a sprcad.caglc orator wanted the wing5 Of
o bind 70 fly to every village and hamlet in the