The Portland daily press., 1874-11-17
John Cain.-The Tale of o Defeated Can.
1i6ofo


John Cain was quiet. unobtrusive cit:-
zen. He didn't long for fame and renown,
and he didn't care two cents whether this
great and glorious country was ruled by a
one-horse Republican or two-horse Demo.
crat. He had pew in church, gave sixteen
ounces for pound, and when man looked
him square in the eye, Mr.. Cain never took
back seat. He was home at a reasonable
hour in the evening, never took part in the
discussion, SIS lager healthy ?" and many a
man wished that his life rolled on as evenly
and peacefully as John Gains. But, alas!
the tempter came. In an evil hour John
Cain allowed the politicians to get after MIN,
and to surround him. They said he was the
strongest man in the county; that he could
scoop out of his boots any man set up in op-
position; that his virtues were many and
his fanlts 10000; that it was his duty to come
out and take nomination in order that this
pure and incorruptlble form of government
be maintained pure and incorruptible. All
this and much more they told him, and John
Cain became pulled up. It surprised him so
to think that he had held his peaceful way
along for forty odd years, like knot hole in
barn door, without any one having discov-
cred what heap of fellow he was; but he
concluded that there was a new era in pol
tics, and that it was all right. The poll
ticians covered John Cain with soft soap.
They told him that the canvass shouldn't
cost him red, and that he could still retire
at eight O'Clock every evening and rest as
sured that his interests would be properly
cared for. 1t was to be still hunt-a very
quiet election, and he would hardly know
what was going on. John was an honest,
unsuspecting idiot, and he swallowed their
words as the confidng fish absorbs the baited
hook.
John Cain was duly nominated and the
band came out and serenaded him. With
the band came several hundred electors, who
filled the Cain paansion to overflowing, spit
tobacco all over the house, ate and drank all
they could find, broke down the gate, and
went off with three cheers for John Cain.
Before the canvass was ten DAYS old half
dozen men called on Cain and gently hinted
to him that he must come down with the
"sugar." He didn't even know what 'sugar''
was until they explained. They wanted
money to raise pole, to buy beer, to get
slips printed and to do fifty other things with.
all for bis particular benefit, and he had to
hand out money.
In the course of another week they drew
Cain out to make speech at ward meet
ing. He tried to claw off, but they told him
that the opposing candidate would run him
out of sight if he didn't come out, and he
went out. When he got through speaking
the crowd drank at his expense, and Mr..
Cain was astonished at the way the liquor
went down, and more astonished at the way
the bill footed up. He didn't reach home
until midnight, and for the first time in his
life he was going to bed with his boots on.
His wife wouldn't speak to him, and the
hired girl left the house to save her charac-
ter, and John Cain wished that the politi-
clans had let him alone. More men came
and crooked their fingers at him and whis-
pered s'sugar." They wanted money to buy
some doubtful votes, aud to hire four horse
teams, and to mail his slips, and he had to
come down. He hesitated about it, but they
told him that the opposing candidate felt
sure of victory, and that acted as spur.
There was hardly night that from four
teen to 240 friends did not call on Mr.. Cain
to inform him as to the prospects," They
drank up the currant wine Mrs Cain had laid
by for sickness, emptied her preserve Jars, and
there wasn't a morning that she couldn't
sweep out forty or fifty cigar stubs and peck
of mud. They all told Cain that he would
beat the other man so far out of sight that it
would take carrier pigeon to find him, and
he couldn't very well refuse to go over to the
corner grocery and ''set 'em up'' for the boys.
The crisis finally came. On the eve of the
election Mr.. Gains friends called for sugar
again, and he had to sugar 'em. A big crowd
called to warn him that he would certainly be
elected, and the saloon bill was $28 more.
Thirteen or fourteen men shook hands with
his wife, a hundred or more shook hands with
him, and he had to get up and declare that
he didn't favor women's rights and that he
did; that he was down on whiskey and vet
loved it as beverage, that he wanted the
currency inflated, and yet favored specie pay
ments, that he favored the civil rights bill and
yet didn't, and in his brief speech Mrs. Cain
counted twenty-seven straight lies besides the
evasions. Mr. Cain wanted TO hold popular
views, and he had to be on all sides at once.
On the day of election they dragged him
from poll to poll, stopping at all the saloons
on the way. He had to make 256,OO0 prom
ises, pull his wallet until it was as fat as
wafer, drink lager with some and cold water
with Others, and when night came he went
home and tried to hug the hired girl, called
Mrs. Cain his dear old rhinoceros, aud fell
over the cradle and went to sleep with his
head under the stove. When Mr.. Cain arose
in the morning and became sober enough to
read the election returns, he found he had
scooped 'em as follows:
Opposing candidate. .......... .S6,420
Jonu Cdln. 81 ,3SO