Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1874-01-08
PHUNNYGRAKS.

"A Georgia editor was Dltten Dy
dog, being evidently mistaken for a
bone"
-"This is the rock of ages" said the
father, rocking two hours, and the baby
still awake.
A young Irishman told sweet Cork
girl that the following was photography:
@U RA B U 7, L N"
To make winter short give a ninety
day note, without grace, right away.
March will then come round before you
know It.
Excited wife Ito her husban0: "Do
you not admit that woman has a mis-
lion ?" Cool husband: eyes, my dear,
she as-sub-mission."
"A modern philosopher thinks it a
mistake to suppose women have stronger
attachments than men. A man is often
attached to an old hat; but he asks,
"Who ever heard of woman being at
tached to an old bonnet?"
"A young clergyman, small of stature,
prea ching as candidate in a certain
place, one Sabbath, peering over the
pulpit Bible, announced as his text: at
is l. Be not afraid"
-Tipkins aroused his wife from a
sound sleep the other night, saving he
had seen a ghost in the shape of an ass
"Oh, let me Sleep" was the reply of the
irate dame, "and don't be frightened at
your own shadow"
An unfortunate indianapolis man,
who lost several toes by a car wheel, was
consOled by a gentleman near by with !:
"Whist there, you're making more noise
than many q man I've seen with his head
off.
Fifty young men of Danbury," says
the Ne17s man, "have pledged themselves
not to smoke any more Havana cigars
until Spain makes due reparation. They
are bound to stand by the Government
even az the sacrifice of their own State. ("
Two hearts that beat as one are sin
gularly oblivious to mud. We never
knew man in love to circulate a petit
ton for new pavement or an additional
lamp post-D0nbuTy NeDs
When is the weather like an intelli-
gent baby? When it's knowing.-Ne0
York World Snag says that he always
feels an inclination to give the perpetTa-
tor OF such weather jokes an isothermal
belt under the ear-St. EOu6s J0Uq910L.
~ -aud-sixpence per gal.?" ex-
claimed Mrs. Darlington, looking over
the Price Current "Why, bless me- what
is the world coming to, when the gals are
valued at only three-and-siXpence?"
'Wife, do you know have got the
pneumonia ?" "New mOnia, indeed!
Such extravaganza You are the spend
thrfftest man that ever did see, to go and
lay out money on such trash when [ need
bonnet so much"
Lady Ito Jeames, who has brought up
notel: Did you ask the young person
TO take seat?' Jeames: BEG pard'n,
m'lady she'd hevidently been eatin' O.
onions; so I asked her to be s'gOOd as to
wait outside"
-"What do you sell those fowls for ?"
inquired q person of a man attempting to
dispose of some chickens of questionable
appearance. IL sell them for profits"
was the answer "Thank you for the in
formation that they are prophets" re-
sponded the querist; / took them to be
patriarchs"
Mr.. Jenkins playfully remarked to
his wife that in her he possessed five fulls
"Name them, my love-" "YOu are beau
tiful, dutiful, youthful, faithful and an
armful" "You have the advantage of
me, my dear" Chow so, my precious !"
IL have but one fool" Mr.. Jenkins made
no further inquiries.
set of false teeth in a dental office, and adj
miring the tluency with which the doctor
described them, asked him: "Can body
eat with these things?" MY dear mad
am, masticatiOn can be performed with a
facility almost equal to nature ITSELF" re-
sp0nled the doctor. eyes, [ know; but
can body cat with them?"
In the good old times in Kentucky,
when substantial justice" was admins
tered in log cabin after very free and
easy manner, a suit was brought to recov-
er certain money of which it was alleged
plaintiff had been defrauded by the inge-
ni0us operation known as "thimble-rig-
ging" In the course of the trial plain
tif's counsel, who happened to be an
expert" undertook TO enlighten the court
as to the nl0duS 0perandj of the perform
ance. Putting himself into position, he
produced the three cups and the "little
Joker" and proceeded, suiting the action
10 the word: ''Then, may it please the
court, the defendant, placing the cups on
his knee thus, began shifting them 90
Offering to bet that my client could not
tell under which cup was the little joker
meaning thereby, may it please the
Court this balI-with the intention Of de-
frauding my client of the sum thus wag-
cred For instance, when | raise the cup
so, Your Honor supposes that you see the
ball" Suppose seer' interrupted the
Judge, who had closely watched the per
fOrmance, and was sure that he detected
the ball as one of the cups was accidentally
raised. why, any fool can see where it
is, and bet on il, and sure to win. There
amt no defrauding thar" Perhaps Your
Honor would like to go a V on it?" insin-
uated the counsel GO a V? Yes, and
double it, too: and here's the rhinO. It's
under the middle cup" "I'll go V on
that" said the foreman of the jury. "And
l. land l." joined in the jurors, one after
the other, until each one had invested his
pile. "Up" said His Honor. Cup" ii
was, butthe "little joker" had mysteriously
disappeared, Judge and jury were en-.
Iightened, and found no difficulty in bring
ing in a verdict in favor of the plaintiff on
the ground that it was the "darnedest
kind o. defraudin'."