Iowa voter. [volume] (Knoxville, Iowa) 1867-1874, 1874-01-29
Artemus Ward.

THE following souvenirs Of Artemus
Ward occur in an American paper pub
| lished in Paris. Mr.. Howard Paul is re-
| sponsible for the anecdotes:
Ward (says Mr. PauD was delightful
companion, and when not oppressed by
illness or fatigued with work, was as gay
and animated as boy. Though of deli
| cate and sensitive organization, he had
wonderful flow of animal spirits that de-
veloped in all sorts Of whimsical freaks.
He related stories of his Western expert
| ences as Snowman" in dry, solemn
manner that convulsed his hearers, and
when out and about with his companions
he rarely opened his lips without uttering
a quaint figure of speech or droll exag-
geration of phrase. Now and then, when
the humor took him, he would pun as
madly as the redoubtable III. ]. Byron
himself (that wag that's braved q thousand
ears). But it was his droll turns Of
thought, funny fancies, and grotesque
Yankee Celebrations that afforded the
greatest pleasure. / was breakfasting
with him one morning at a not particu-
larly clean quasi French Leicester Square
restaurant, and he observed hair in the
butter. "Waiteri" he called. "Yes'r."
"Have you any bald butter" The waiter
looked puzzled. "Any what, SIR" "Do
me the favor to gaze upon that butter. Do
you perceive anythings" demanded Arte-
mus. "Oh, beg pardon, sir; do see;
yes, sir-a hair, sir" snow you under
stand me, perhaps?" "Ah, yes, sir-bald
butter-yes, sir, but never heard il called
like that BEFORE" and off shuffled the
waiter, smothering a smile.
A knot of men came out Of the Savage
Club one evening after one of the Saturday
dinners, and at the door stood good
specimen of weather beaten, redfaced
old London cabman, attired in one of
those wonderful triple-caped overcoats
that are fast disappearing from the metro
politan ranks. Artemus was struck with
the old fellows garb, and as he mounted
his box called out, "Cabby. hill come
down, want you" He did as requested.
"Cabby," continued Artemus, with
twinkle of his eye, 'you are the very man
l wish to see. I've been dining here with
some literary and artistic swells, and they
can't enlighten me, and feel you can"
The old Jarvey looked inquiringly. "Now,
would you be good enough to tell me the
difference between conveyance and DIVER
genceY" The old man puckered up his
lips, scratched his head, and, with the
broadcast of grins, replied "Well, sir,
you're stranger to me, but should say
there's good deal to be said on both
sides" "Goodl" shouted Artemus
That's what | call the retort cautious.
All right-now drive u.s." Three of us
entered the cab. "Any particular placer"
the man asked. "Ohi hal land pretend.
ing to confer with us for an instant, which
he did with inimitable by.play) drive to
the Boundless Prairie" "Where is that,
sir?" what! A London cabman, and
don't know the Boundess Prairier" "Is
1t a public houseY" "By the way" laugh
ed Artemus, soto coce, to his companions,
"that wouldn't make bad sign for pub
lie house. If ever give up the quill and
turn licensed victualer, that shall be the
name of my establishment" Then turn
ing to the cabman he resumed-"So you
don't know the Boundless Prairie :" mo,
sir" "Well, then, we'll alter our minds.
Drive 10 the Alhambra, instead" And to
the Alhambra we went, and passed,
need hardly say, n jolly evening, for Arte-
mus was in high spirits, and overfowing
with whimsical conceits.