The herald and mail. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1873-188?, 1874-05-22
Max Adeler on Cremation.

hardly think, upon the whole, that
] am in favor of cremation. The pro-
cess seems to me to be so frightful. At
the same time, 1 am ready to admit that
the dead m ght be used much more
prOtitably than they are now. If man
must be buried let him be planted
where he will make something grow. /
remember that Casselbeny of Vineland,
New Jersey, once had his grandmother
under his grape vine, and by carefully
watering her twice a day he secured
crop of fifteen bushels of Black Ham
burgs. The sabject came up in the ag-
ricultural society subsequently,, and
there was a question whether a grand
mother was the only female relative
that could be efficaciously used, and
whether it should be a parental or a
maternal grandmother. Casselbeny ex-
planned that he had known a maiden
aunt or a second cousin to do equally
well, and he had his s'ep-father among
the roots of his mammoth gooseberry
bush with every prospect OF a superb
crop. Very particular inquiries were
made by several members concerning
the availability of mothers in-law, and a
man named johnson said he had been
married four times and had used all of
his mothers-in-law IN improving the
asparagus bed he took the first prize
for asparagus at eight county fairs.
Then the meetings suddenly adjourned,
and fifteen mothers in-law in Vineland
died during the succeeding week.
And then there is the skeleton. The
Esquimaux make skates out of the collar
bones of their departed friends, and l
remember that Hufnagle of Mauch
Chunk, having lost his leg by railroad
accident, took out the bone and had it
made up into clarionet with which he
used to go around serenading a woman
who refused to love him. He ALWAYS
played In a minor key, and they say up
in Mauch Chunk, that he whistled the
most heartrending music out of that
bone. When old Macintosh of Darby
died, his widow had his framework
taken out and she worked the whole of
1T up into knife handles and trouser
buttons which she gave to her second
husband when they were married. The
hottest kind of water never hurt these
kulfe handles, and the suspender that
wouldn't stay buttoned on those but
tons, was admitted by everybody to be
Just no suspCnder at all. But / a init
that there is something disagreeable
about this form of utilization and there
fore l rather incline to favor the plan of
turning inanimate remains into ilIumin-
ating gas by consuming them in a re-
tort. This, I understand, is practical
BILE; and it would be, should think,
inexprcssibly consoling to man to sit
and read the paper comfortably in the
evening by the light of his deceased
uncle, and to have the satisfaction of
knowing that the said relative had not
been run through a meter at so much a
thousand feet. 1t would be beautiful
to illuminate the parlor with departed
hired girl or TO turn off your ba f-broth-
er before going to bed. And think
what splendid gas a congressman would
make. We might have law appropri-
ating dead congressman to the light
house board for use on the coast. This
class of persons then would have the
consolation of knowing that they would
be much more useful after death than
they are during life.