Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1874-12-05
80 aUaosous.

Arose" by any other name would
be got up"
Two heads are better than one
especially in barrel.
The bump of destructiyeness-a
railway collision.
There are various stations in life.
but the least desirable is police
station.
What is the difference between a
wise man and a sailor? One is a far
seeing man and the other q sea-fariDg
man.
A Michigan man has hit upon hap
py expedient Of getting rid Of the
rheumatism. He crowded it down to
his two fingers, and then had them
amputated.
A Cincinnati woman used to think
paralysis dangerous thing, but since
her husband comes home twice week
with such stroke Of it that he has to
be carried up the steps, she rather
SCOTS at il.
An economical tourist has written a
pamphlet on Where to go when you
haven much meney." 1t will be read
with interest, for there is no good place
TO go to in this world under such cir
cumstances. ssse
A Chicago pork packer. whose pew
rent was raised to SO, exclaimed /:
Great Casarl Here's nice state of
affairs. The gospel going up and pork
going down. What's to become of
usy'-IHdependent.
A darkey preacher, lining out a
hymn from memory, said:
Plunged in gulf of dark despair,
Ye wretched sinners-co'He ont Of do'-!
A Helena (Mon.) divine, who has
spent the best part of the summer in
Christianizing ChinamaB, thought he
was getting along nicely, until John
made proposition to him, the other
day, to put in" with him and start a
faro bank.
A doctor ordered one of bis patients
20 drink -four of sulphur and water.
The patient expressed his disgust by
significant grimaces. 1T is only the
first glass that is hard to drink, said
the doctor. Then" rejoined the
invalid, Il will begin with the Sec
ond."
AS the Diogenes of the food OBJ
served to Noah when he shut the door
of the ark in his face: Go 10 thunder
with your old ark, we say to Mr.. Til
den: 20 to grass with your great
victory. IN. T. Commercial AiUer-
tiser. That's a good -natured way to
ig-Noah it.-Boston Post.
A Baltimore corn doctor announces
that husbands can take their wives TO
his office, and while he is skillfully
extracting the good matrons' corns and
soothing their bunions. the husbands
can solace themselves with wild ducks,
cartridges, pheasants, fresh fish, salt
water oysters and diamond back ter
rapins.
Mother, said a little shaver the
other day, Il know what / would do
If was at sea and the men were all
starving, and they should draw lots to
see who should be killed and eaten,
and it should be me-Td jump into
the water" but, said the mother,
they would FISH you up" All but
| wouldn biter'
"Herodotus, my son, what time is
it?" inquired Mr. SpilkiDs of his son,
who had lust returned from college.
We'll, father, replied the youth,
pulling out his watch, .'iet represent
II o'clock, and y equal ten minutes,
and KY is the answer" Spilkins
pOndered for moment, and then said
he thought it must be about bed time.
Booty parent (whose daughter has a
weakness for an artist(-"I hear tha
you take walks with that picture
making fellow. Have no more to say
TO him A pretty fellow, with scarce
ly coat TO his back !" Smart grand
son-"Oh, come now, gran pa, he's not
much worse than you in that respect,
for it was only yesterday | heard the
doctor saw you hadn't any coat to your
stomach"
Twice one is won, repeated an
urchin, in an absent-minded way.
What" cried his father have
spent so much money on your educa-
ton with no better results than that
Twice one is two, sir. We'll, dad, -
replied the young hopeless, II will ad
nit that you are right. from one stand
point; but. with all due Difference ia
you as my paternal progenitor, must
beg leave to maintain that, when win
two one-dollar bills on a horse race
twice one is won.
John Henrys father-in-law, aged
eighty-fve, took it into his head to
get his life insured. but, sir" said
the agent, you are too old for us tC
take the risk Why SOP" queried the
old man. Because speedy death is
toe sure a thing" We'll, I've beer
looking at your tables" said the
father-in-law, and | find that there
amt one man dies at my years to q
hundred that dies younger. The in
surance agent couldn't see it, but John
Henry says it's good logic, and he'll
back the old man for fifteeuyears yet.