South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-08-07
WIT AND HUMOR.


Some friend was demonstrating with Clarke,
the actor, about his profanity, and quoted the
scripiural injunction, ''Swear not at ALL" az
don't" said Clarke-'T only swear at those who
offend me-"
An interesting little boy, tirnd when left a.
lone in dark room, was overheard recently to
say in his loneliness, ooh, Lord, don't let any
one hurt me, and I'll 60 to church next Sunday
and give you some money"
RESTING HER BoSEs.-"Well, Missus rs going
to leave you" said Molly to her mistress, whom
she had loved and grown ia, with for good
many years. "Going to leave me, Molly p
Why, where are you going 2' ''oh, rs going
to get married-I've worked long enough, and
is going to rest my bones.' OF course Mrs
Jones could make no objection TO this common
and natural female frsilty. So Molly went and
nothing was heard of her for year or two, when
she came back, poor and emaciated, having lost
her husband, and all the rest Of ills human ma
ture is heir to having fallen upon her Mrs
Jones was much surprised to see her coming, and
said to her: ''Well, Molly, have you rested your
bones ~ Golly, Missus-Ts rested my jaw
bones, and denis all the bones I've rested
AN INGENIOUS DEFENCE.-In the police-court
at Chicago, few weeks since, wife thus iuge-
niously explained away serious charges CT harsh
treatment of her poor husband zone day when
she was running across the room with fork in
her hand, he jumped in the way and struck bis
wrist against the fork, wrenching it from her
g.ip by the prongs, which he ran into his wrist.
Then de erdeavored to strike her but she held up
a pan OF hot dish-water between them, and he
spilled it all over his head. Then he got still more
angry at this accident, and started TO jump at
her, but his head came against her hand, and he
fell down She took hold of his hair to raise
him up, and the hair was mois,ened by the hot
water, so that it came of. Then she saw it was
no use to reason with him any longer and she
left the house"
A TELLING SPEEcH.-The following is q literal
report of speech delivered in Bowling Green,
Ky, by candidate for the Office of TAILOR -
Fellow citizens Where are my opponents p
Why, gentlemen, they are nowhere. feel my
sef as much above my opponents as n 'possum
in q persimmon tree does above the ground he
crawls on. | call on you in the name of the
shaggy headed lion which whipped the American
eagle call on You in the mama of the peacock
OF liberty, which flowed over the Rocky Noun
tans-to come TO my rescue. Come on Monday
next, and promote Dick to the Office to which he
perspires. When you shall have been dead and
the green briers shall have entwned themselves
around your graves then will your sons come
to me and say, Dick, some years ago our fathers
voted for you for the Office of jailorship of War
rem cOunty-then will say, roll on, thou silver
moon, will be with thee till the last day in the
evening"
The Chicago Tribune prints apoem in which
the writer wishes that she had "a heart full of
sweet yearings." The authoress says the prn-
ter that set it up is a calf
A lady remarked to a popular divine that
his sermons were little too long tDon't you
think so ~ said she, "Just little" "Ah |
dear madam, replied the divine, "I'm afraid
you don't like 'the sincere milk of the word "
ayes, do, said She 'but you know the fash
ion nowadays is condensed milk"
1t is related that Louisville merchant re-
Gently received the subjoinel apology from a
Southern debtor
SIR The firm of - is busted, and Mr. H. |
has gone away with all that was left For my
elf am not able 10 pay anything ! am nearly
barefooted, the seat of my pants is out aul my
shirt is as ragged as politicians conscience,
besides have big family to take care of, who
are in the same condition.
Yours respectfully,