The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1874-05-14

! present spouse.
He is a great man for "reminiscences
and if he happens to begin
"There I'm sure it's pity am no
in my grave, breaks i'm the injured
Mrs. Jones. 4Yons realways talking
in that way. ] know yon wish / wa
dead.n sI5 4fI rs f.a
81 was going to say my DEAR re
mOnstrates Mr.. Jones, pathetically y
'.that when Eliza was alive, meat wal
cheaper than it is now ss4a.s {.
"Yes," returns the martyr, not to b.
| pacified, sand have something TO dC
with the price of meat. i. But never
mind, shall be gone soon, and yoI
will be able to have another Eliza.
4 At that stage Mrs. Jones's feelings are
generally too much for her, and she
has recourse to her pocket handker.
chief
If, on another occasion, Mr.. Jones
happens to remark, .Isn't that chicken
little tough, my dear ~ his spouse
replies, with resigned air, 81 can
never do anything right. I chose thai
chicken myself. You are always com
planning" ASSN, -
fOh, am not complaining, hastily
puts in the meek Mr.. Jones. SIN fact,
IL rather like it tough"
One of his friends happened to
quote. in Mr.. Jones's hearing, the
good old proverb-'sThink twice be-
fore you speak once
.sAhI !" murmured Mr.. Jones with 8
sigh, 81 generally think half a dozen
times and say something wrong after
ALL"
There are some unfortunate indl-
viduals who are always getting into
hot water with other members of their
family by injudiciously dragging
things from behind the scenes, which,
in reality, should remain in the far
therest background. The Tomkinses,
for example, haye q brother who
means well, and he is old enough TO
do better, but he is always making un-
happy remarks. In the middle of the
dinner he wall call across the table
"Oh, Eliza, took that CHG of yours
to the hairdresser. He said il was all
right, and you shall have it back to-
morrow
Young Mr.. Arundal,. whom Eliza
admires so much in fact, she is quiet
ly setting her chignon at him, looked
abashed, both on account of the deli
cate nature of the communication and
also in finding that the adorable CHG
non is false.
Poor Eliza is so overcome that she
can say nothing.
Old Mr.. Tompkins is as bad as his
sons and Eliza has hardly cooled from
the effects of her brothers remark the
old gentleman suddenly says:
"Why, Eliza, what have you got
your best ear-rings on for Z"
The simple old gentleman has no
tact. Mrs. I. noticed the rings quar-
ter of an hour ago but said nothing.
Was not Mr.. Arundels presence suffi-
cient explanation for any sensible pa
rent?
After Mr.. Arundel has gone, Eliza
fires up at her brother:
nTom, how could you say that about
my chignon before Mr.. Arundel 2"
And, turning to Mr.. ToTnpkins, ST.,
she adds, in an injured tone,
"And papa, wish you would not
remark about my dress when strang
ers are present"
Father and son look rather sheepish,
but mHrmur something about not see
ing any harm in it.
Another of those who are always
putting their footin it,and with whom
we have little sympathy, is the would
be funny man. If he only knew the
amount of anything but good wishes
which he almost daily brings down
upon his unconscious head, we think
that it would take all the funniHess
out of him for the rest of his days.
His wit seldom rises above a pun but
we will say of him that he seldom
misses an opportunity of displaying
it in this form. Personal or other
wise, pun is pun toihim, and out it
must come. If at q friendly gather
ing there should happen to be Mr..
Graves present, our funny man wonld,
without the least hesitation, ask him,
in a tone evidently intended for the
rest of them to hear, whether he Is
not a very sly dog. t2
Mr.. Graves, of course. looks rather
mystified, but says that he does not
know that he is
s'Oh," reioins cur friend, 81 thought
you must be, because most graves are
Deep" On
Mr.. Graves seemed to carry out the
Characteristic given him, for he GER
tainly conceals his admiration of this
pun very effectually.
On another occasion, when his
family have a few friends spending
the evening with them, and when they
wish to appear specially. genteel, he
will shock all their nerves by asking
his daughter Jane whether she buys
her plums by the dozen, as she put so
few in the cake. Jane, who is not
supposed to have so much as seen the
cake till the last few minutes, much
less to have made it, expresses her
opinion to her misguided parent con-
cerning the question, at the close of
the evening, in the privacy of his own
family. rfnaFTrE tFE7F5
1t is only person here and there
who has the peculiar faculty of put
ting his foot in it in cases like the
foregoing, but there are occasions
when even such cautious people as
you and l, reader, are liable to be
caught tripping. One of the most
fruitful sources of danger in this re-
spect, and against which no one is en-
tirely proof, is the double entendre.
We remember an instance which hap
pened to ourself. We were dining
out at the time, and had next to us
one of those spinster ladies of uncer-
tain age who always makes point of
enjoying to their full extent the good
things of this life. She had just been
helped to her third glass of cham
paigne, and while it was still efIerVes-
cling she remarked, with delightful
simper:
"How il froths"
Wishing to follow up the remark,
we said, in a moralizing tone:
"Yes. but it goes down quickly"
Now, reader, we have tender heart
and would not hurt the feelings of a
tadpole. so you may imagine our dis
tress when we observed Immediately
afterward the double meaning of our
words.
We also pity those poor men who
can never make the smallest attempt
at speech without going through a
succession of absurd blunders, chiefly
in the shape of double entenolre. They
generally see themselves directly af-
ter they have made them, and the con-
seuuense is they are in perpetual