The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1874-05-16
VARIETY.

MADE IT UP.-''I have lost flesh, !" said a topper
to his companion. 50 No great loss, replied the
other, Z" since you have made it up in spirits
A MoDEL MAS.-Dr. franklin has been de-
scribed as n mechanic who saved his wages, n
printer who did not drink ardent spirits, and an
Ofhceholder who did not steal.
SINGULAR BEr.-The Spirit Lake (Iowa) Beacon,
tells Of boy there who, on bet of fifty cents,
swallowed four hundred and three live minnows
in half an hours time. Fishy, rather.
The CHANCEs.-An Indiana paper thus politely
expresses an opinion Of judge: "He knows
Just about rs much Of law as a mule does of min
eralogy-the chances being in favor of the mule"
Or COURSE Nor" And did you hear him call
her my dear, or any thing like that ?'' asked the
lawyer. 50 No, SIR Of course not; why, she was
his wife, answered the lady witness.
RoNANrIc WESTERN LOVE DANA Kiss me,
Clara :. Kiss me. stephen" And when
you've been chewing cardamOn seeds
USEFUL IxvENrrox-Alrs Carrie Jessup, of
New Haven, Conn, has invented compartment
pot, in which cOrned beef, fresh Goldfish, potatoes
and plum pudding can all be boiled at the same
time.
ANCIENT SERvANT.-Honorable mention is made
Of 4 Maine servant girl who is now serving her
ninety-second Winter under the same roof. She
has washed dishes SO, ,790 times and comes yet
gnily to her task Blessed old girl
TlGur.-Fair damsel, putting on new gloves
s.TOo tight? Oh, no, auntie, not at all. Be
sides, like them a leetle Tight Troublesome
brother Feels as If somebody was squeezing
her hand; don't you see, auntie ="
HARD SLEDDIx'-A good brother in a Baptist
church Of Miami county, while giving his expe-
rience not long ago, said, Z" BretherIn, I've been
n tryin' this nigh onto forty years to serve the
Lord and get rich both at Onct, and tell yer it's
mighty hard sleddin'."
Next TO Goa family passing through De-
troit lost their tom-eat. Come, children
said the father huskIly, he turned to the wagon,
Johnny died Of scarlet fever, little Mary went
with the whOOping-cOugh, and now we've lost
.Sardigulst shouldn't wonder if mother or I'd
be the next TO GO
PREcocIors.-The latest precOcious saying is
bv an infant on the Pacific coast. She had torn
one Of her nails to the quick, and going 10 her
mother while the pain filed her eyes with tears,
said. holding up her wounded finger, 80 Mamma,
/ shall have to 20 up to heaven and dit anozzer
put on"
S,xx TO REsr.-A Hibernian orator was de-
cribing the horrors of certain battle in the late
Er,rc,- prusslan war and at last succeeded in fx-
inc the attention of his audience, when he sud-
de1Iv excited most rapturOus burst of applause
bv laundering out, - And the sun sank to rest
midst the grOans of the dying and shrieks of the
dead"
Y
been said of the death Of Judge Nelson by any
bodv. aud what We think would have been most
10 his own taste is the following obituary, COM
prised in a single sentence, IN the New York
Stqr- - The sudden death of Judge Nelson will
take many by surprise; but the grand old man
ready
HIS Ry.PoNsE.-One Of the chubby class of
f,ur-year-old Sun!ay-schOol scholars, when talked
to bv his teacher about the sins and frailties of
the body, was asked, - Well, my son, what have
YOU besides this sinful bOdy?'' Quick as thought
the little fellow responded "a clean shirt and
4 nice new pair Of breeches.
Nor DrsrrRBED-There is n Danbury legend
10 the effect that party desiring to transact some
rriyate business with another was invited by the
other 10 step with ham into neighboring store.
- But we will be disturbed there said the first
rartv 80 Oh, no. said the second party 4" they
don't ADVERTISE
AZ FNTrKPRIsING COUNTEY EDITOK.-He was
once out on a jaunt IN the township OF White
Oak. Ingham county, sticking to every farmer
rnt,I he GOT mis- name and money, and 1t so hap
pened that he came 10 house where death had
called n few hours before. The farmer wife was
laid out and the husbandman and his children
were grieviug over her loss when the editor
knocked at the door.
What's up?'' inquired the editor, as be saw
the farmers solemn cOuntenance before him.
- Nv wife is dead, replied the farmer.
=. Is that so?'' unused tine editor, little dis
annointed Did she die easy?''
:. Dropped of like a lamb.
Did she say anything?"
80 Not a wOrd-just went right to sleep like. y
81 1 didn't know Continued the editor, sad
EIook ON his face =. but what she might have
requested you to subscribe for the Cascade, which
YOU know is the best paper in the county. II
kyou want it I'll take your name right in, and un-
der the circumstances l won't charge you a cent
tfor the obituary notice !"
The farmer hung off for a while, but before the
Eeditor went away be had two additional dollars in
his pocket, and had written out an obituary mo-
tice for publication in the next issue, which the
bereayed husband pronounced Z" mighty smart