The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1874-07-11
THINGS GENERALLY.
BY MAX ADELER.

You have, perhaps, noticed that Frederick
Douglas in an address before the members
of the Maryland Theological Seminary
claimed that St. Augustine was colored
man. But this is not all. Mr.. Douglas did
not mention that St. Augustine had three
legs. Such, however, is the case. They
have two of his thigh bones ON exhibition
among some other relics in Milan, and a
recent letter from Brazil informs us that a
third thigh bone is cherished in Rio Jane
rio. 1t is transparently clear, therefore,
that that splendid old father of the Chris
tian Church had an odd leg. If he wore
pantaloens the additional cost must have
been greater, and it puzzles me to know
what he did with leg number, three when
he rode on hvrsvuHoK, puT think what gi0-
.40so advantages he possessed when he
wanted to kick life insurance agenti It
must have puzzled him though to waltz,
unless the step differed from that in present
use, and his wife must have been miserable
if he kicked in his sleep. This is as far as
we have gone. Other thigh bones may
turn up yet, and in such quantities as to
prove that the majestic old man was kind
of a clerical centipede. will believe in
them; I will believe anything respecting St.
Augustine's legs. / am ready to accept
without hesitation any theory about him
that is advanced, even if it assumes that he
had worsted eyeballs and aan India-rubber
liver. =
My friend Plumly had passion for col
lecting rare coins. The fact is not especial
ly important, but recall it for the purpose
of mentioning his difficulty with Mrs. But
terwich. Plumly was in the habit of going
to see Mrs. Butterwich's daughter, and the
old lady, apprehensive of serious results,
asked me one day in the presence of her
child what kind of man Plumly was.
GA very clever man, madam, / assure
you, very clever, smart, wcll-educated, good
tempered and with excellent habits. He
has only one weakness; he is too devoted a
numismatist for me.''
GA what?'',
81 say he is too much of q numismatist
for me.''
"There, Mary Jane," shrieked the old
lady, "d'you learn that? D'you hear that,
Mary Jane? / knowed all wasn't right
with that young feller. An infidel, hey ?
A heather! An unbeliever! He gets no
darter of mine. I don't insist that Mary
Jane shall marry a Presbyterian Mr.. Adel
er. although that's the only true religion,
but Mary Jane Butterwich marries no man
with sech pagan sentiments as them. It's
a burnin' shame sech things isaallowed in
Christian land. The next time he sets
foot in my house I'll give him New Tes-
lament, and show him the door. It's time
these owdacious infidels was tackled by the
missionary societies. Mary Jane, don't
you dare to set eyes ON that hereto until
he's converted. Do you mind me?''
! We eeo+lst ncr WIN ~ aIctsonaTy and the
assurance that Plumly was Free Will Bap-
tist. But Plumly married elsewhere, after
all, and Mary Jane is still unconsolidated.
All the world knows by this time that
Mr.. Bailey has fulfilled the chief purpose
of his mission to England, which was to
settle the unseemly quarrel between the
Princess Beatrice and the Duchess of Ed
inburg. But Mr.. Bailey very modestly has
refrained from stating that as a reward for
this service the Queen has made him
Knight Commander of the Bath. The du-
ties are not onerous; they are merely hon.
orary; he does not really have to take COM
mand of a bath tub and keep his eye ON the
soap and towels. He must, however, wear
decoration upon state occasions, ndhere-
after, whenever there is muster of the
Connecticut militia, he will be compelled to
take the field on an iron-clad horse, and not
only wearing brass trousers and galvaniz-
ed shirt, but having upon his head a helmet
resembling all ice cream mould. 1t will b,
grand and imposing spectacle, and it will
probably be entirely free. These honors
fall thickly upon young American journal
lists. Only y few months have elapsed
since the King of Sweden made John Rus
sci Young a knight of the Order of the
White Elephant, and that nobleman has
taken daily exercise on the animal ever
since. / myself narrowly escaped some-
what similar honor. My publishers sent a
copy Of my book to every sovereign in Eu-
rope, Asia and Africa, and have since
learned that but for their unfortunate mis-
take in addressing the Imaum of Muscat as
Sire " instead of "Serene and Awful Po-
tentate of the Whole Earth, that worthy
monarch would have made me Chevalier
of the g Order of the Pink Hippopotamus."
The Khan of Khiva is yet to hear from, so
there is still hope of something else. 1t
was a narrow escape from greatness, and
larger salary; for, of course, once in the no.
bility no man can afford to write for plebe-
ian prices.
Rough on Nudge.