The Milan exchange. (Milan, Gibson County, Tenn.) 1874-1978, 1874-11-19
Mark Twain's Cold.

The first time began to sneeze, friend
told me to go and battle my feet in hot
water and go to bed. did so. Shortly
after, another friend told me to get up
and take cold shower bath. L did that
also. Within the hour, another friend
assured me that it was policy to feed cold
and starve a fever. 1 had both. so L
thought it best to fill myself up for the
cold, and let the fever starve while. In
a case of this kind | seldom do things by
halves; ate pretty heartily. l conferred
my custom upon a stranger, who had Just
opened restaurant in Cortlandt street,
near the hotel, that morning. paying SO
much for a full meal. He waited near me
in respectful silence until l had finished
feeding my cold, when he inquired If the
people about New York were much
afflicted with colds. told him thought
they were. He then went out and took IN
his sign. | started up toward the Office,
and on the way encountered another
bosom friend, who told me that a qnart OF
warm salt water would come as near cur
ing a cold as anything in the world. l
hardly thought / had room for it, but
tried it, anyhow. The result was surpris-
ing. 1 believe | threw up my immortal
soul, Now, as | give my experience Tor
the benefit of those of your friends who
are troubled with this distemper. i feel
that they will see the propriety of my eau
tioning them against following such por-
tons of it as proved inefficient with me,
and acting upon this conviction | warn
them against warm salt water. Ii may DC
a good enough remedy, but l think it Is
rather too severe. If had another cold
in the head, and there was no course left
me but to take either an earthquake or q
quart of warm salt water, would take my
chances on the earthquake. After thls
every body in the hotel became interested
and | took all sorts of remedies-ho'
lemonade, cold lemonade, pepper tea
boneset, stewed Quaker, hoar-hound slrup
onions and loaf sugar, lemons and brown
sugar, vinegar and laudanun, five bottles
fish balsam, eight bottles cherry pectoral
and ten bottles of Uncle Sans remedy, bu
all without effect. One of the prescriptions
given by an old lady was-well, it wa!
dreadful. She mixed decoctiOn com
posed of molasses, catnip, peppermint
aqua forts, turpentine. kerosene, and va
rious other drugs, and instructed me Il
take a wine-glassful of it every tiftee1
minutes. never took but one dose; tina
was enough. | had to take to my bed
and remain there for two entire days
When l felt little better more thing
were recommended. was desperate ant
willing to take anything. Plain gin wa
recommended, then gin and molasses, thel
!. gin and onions. | took all three. L de
tected no particular result, however, eX
, cept that had acquired breath like
turkey-buZZard, and had to change m.
boarding place. At this new place the,
suggested different remedy to any We
tried A sheet bath was recommended
had never refused remedy yet, and
seemed poor policy to commence then
therefore | determined to take shee
bath, though had no idea what sort OF a
arrangement it was. 1t was administers
at midnight, and the weather was YER
frosty. NY back and breast were stripped
and sheet there appeared to be thou
sand Yards of it) soaked in lce-water, wa
wound around me until | resembled
swab for acOlumbiad. 1t Is cruel expo
dent. When the chilly rag touches one
warm flesh it makes him start with sudde
violence and gasp for breath, just as me
do in the death agony. 1t froZe the maj
row in nv bones and stopped the beating
: of nv heart. | thought my time ha
l come. When | recovered from this.
friend recommended the application of
mustard plaster to my breast. believ
that would have cured me etfectuallr if
had not been for young Clemens. Whe
went to bed put the mustard plaste
[ where | could reach it when | should b
ready for it. But young Clemens &C
l hungry in the night and ate it up. L neve
saw a child with such an appetite. L al
confident that he would have eaten me if
had been healthy. After all this experienC
YOU cannot wonder that dread going
New York.