Sunbury American. [volume] (Sunbury, Pa.) 1848-1879, 1874-05-29
humorous skstebss.

she was smiling as bundle of chips
Are your chops done TO your liking,
Squills, dearp'
Delicious, my love-
Il broiled them myself, DEAR
Il knew it was going to be cold,' said
Squills, and when got into the hall to
leave Mrs. Squiils was there with my hat
in one hand and my overcoat in the other
-Squills, DEAR she began.
4 thought it time to pitch in here, said
Squills, so said, How much, Mrs. Spills ?
Out with it, my love-
Mr.. Squills. said she, don't be unmanly,
sir, beg not to say ridiculous. Gussy
wants a new silk dress to go TO church in !;
the poor child really isn't decent-'you are
very sorry well, so you ought to be, Let
her say her prayers at home No, Mr..
Squills, she shant stay at home, and she
shant say her prayers and Mr.. Squills,
you're enough to agsravate saint, and
yorr conduct is disgusting. snd is enough to
drive a woman to bolt right of to Chicago
and get a divorce
Il thought this was good time to fire off
my pct joke" said Squills 80 said,
Mrs. Squills, a bolt is always in order
Then bolted myself, for Mrs. Squills comes
ola fighting family
When l went home at night, Gussy,
dear child, played all my pet Ohenbact
music, and l knew was in for the dress,
only l wanted to hold out till morning, just
for the look of the thing
For five years after we were married.
said Squills, Mrs. S. would persist in look
ing under the bed for man. It's the same
ma. every woman looks for, spose, be-
cause they all do it. Well, failing to find
the man, Mrs. Squills finally gave him up
in disgust, and took to something else,
spose,' said Squills /; they all take to some
thing else ai,er they can't find the man un-
der the bed. Mrs. Squills' weakness is
boiling the door. Mr.. Squills, have you
bolted the door p is always the last thing
at night.
This particular night said Squills,
Mrs. S. was very digniGed and distant.
No familiarities, Mr.. Squills, ifyou please;
you wounded my feelings in their tender
est point this morning, and l cannot for
get, though you did, that l am your wife,
sir. and the mother of your children, Mr..
Squills.'
This was pitching in uncommonly
strong, you KNOW said Squills, 'and was
about 10 surrender, when Mrs. Squills
turned of the gas aud then cOiled herself
up in pet somewhere on the outside bed
rail. Not even Good night, Squills.' /
felt pretty hard about it, | can tell you, but
went TO sleep. don't know how long
slept, but some time, when / experienced
kick in the back as if playful mule had
been tanning me. Perhaps it was neces-
sary, as always slept hard
Mr.. Squills, at last l heard Mrs. S. say,
Mr.. Squills, have you bolted the door p
Now, leave it 20 any man, said Squills,
appealingly, whether this is the correct
thing for mother of a family TO do. Of
course got up and bolted the internal
door, and said: Mrs. Squills, why the
deuce didn't you think Of boiling the door
before went TO sleep, and not wake up
man in the middle ofa cold night TO do it p
And what do you suppose the answer WASP
why, Mr.. Squills, said she, 4 thought
bolt was always in orde-.'
What did say? What could l say ?
And the worst of it ALL said Squills, T'll
be hanged if she wasn't laughing at me i; i
could feel the bed shaking. st. Louis Re
publican.
STORY OF TON MARsHALL.-Tom Mar
shall at one time INDUCED in such excesses
that his friends became alarmed, and de-
termined 10 make an effort 10 reclaim him.
MI. r.Mangum was designated TO demonstrate
with the wild Kentucklan, and endeavored
to impress him with proper sense of his
position.
in hear anything you have to say,
Mangum,' said Marshall, as the Senator
opened the conversation.
Your friends have been greatly concern
ed at the manner in which you have been
conducting yourself
Don't wonder at it. Been badly both
cred myself Sent you here to talk with
me, didn't they Y''
''Yes they thought as sometimes take
glass myself, my advice would have the
more effect"
"You drink too much, Mangum, Eve been
thinking Of speaking to you on the subject.
But what do you want me to do?''
Your friends have the greatest admira-
ton for your genius and talents. They are
confident that with sobriety and applica-
ton you might reasonably aspire to the
highest place under the Government
What do you think / could getp'
Il have no doubt you might be made
Chief Justice of the United States
There's been one Chief Justice in my
family; don't care TO follow him.
You might even hope to become Presi-
dent' ....
No great credit to follow Captain Ty-
Ter. But / tell you what I'll do, Man
gum: you make me President of the
United States, and if don't make you Sc
cretary of State I'll agree TO be blanked !
Let's take drink. AN OLD STAGER, in
Harper's Magazine for June.
A MASSACHUSETTS farmer says: Ny
cattle will follow me until leave the lot,
and on the way up to the barn yard in the
evening stop and call for lock of hay.
Smithson says there is nothing at all re-
markable about that He went into barn
yard in the country one day last week,
where he had not the slightest acquaint-
ance with the cattle, and an old bull not only
followed him until he left the lot, but took the
gate off the hinges and raced with him to
the house in the most familiar way posi-
bic. Smithson says he has no doubt that
the old fellow would have called for some
thing if he bad waited little while, but
he didn't want to keep the folks waiting