Buchanan County bulletin. [volume] (Independence, Iowa) 1869-1891, 1874-02-27
M. w. p. H.-"Have your hands
L A.1O3,

M. w. P. H.-"Have your hands
been hardened with toil?"
Candidate.-"Not extensively, but
then l am not running for Office"
NJ. w. p. H.-"Tis well, for our
lodges contain several who are sup
posed to be ready to sacrifice them
selves for the good of their constit-
uents. Do you feel pretty smart
this evening?"
Candidate.-"Yes, where the bus
tie goes on"
NJ. w. P. H. (savagely)-"Give
me chaw of tobacker!"
Candidate searching himselfthor-
oughly, but as there is no place
about him to stick a pocket, tries to
explain, but the Most Worshipful
Pumpkin Head interrupts him with:
"Nevcr mind, my dear young
friend. / am well aware that in
your present condition yon can no
more furnish your friends with the
weed than Adam could be comfort
able in a plug hat and tight boots.I
1t is merely to teach you the great
lesson Of economy-doing to others
as you would have them do to you.
You will now be conducted to the
Most Eminent Squash Producer,
who will teach you the Grand Hail
ing Sign of Distress. This sign,
my worthy brother, will insure you
against many of the ills of the agri-
culturist-amongst others, against
droughts and being bit by the fero-
cious grasshopper."
The candidate is now conducted
to the Most Eminent Squash Produ-
Ger, who thus says, "My worthy
brother, / will now invest you with
the order of the Festive Ploughboy,
which you have well won by your
heroic achievement while harnessed
may you wear 1t with pleasure to
yourself and may it be the means Of
terror to your enemies"
(The M. E. S. p. then proceeds to
invest the candidate with the rega-
liza of the Festive Ploughboy, which
consists of a long tomato necklace
''The Grand Hailing Sign of Dis
tress is made by gently closing the
lett eye, laying the right foretinger
alongside the nose, and violently
wagging the ears. 1t requires prac-
tice, but the advantages are intense.
1t also has an important significa-
ton, which you will do well to
heed. The closing of the eye signi-
fies that in all your dealings with
mankind you are to keep an eye to
business. Laying the finger along
side the nose is emblematical of
wisdom, and places you at once
among the knowing ones.' This is
extremely handy in prognosticating
the weather, and saves the wear
and tear of almanacs. Wagging
the ears signifies sublimity of pur-
pose, and is thought to be emblem
atical of 'childhood's happy hours
1t is also supposed by some pro-
found scholars to have distinct
reference to apple dumplinss, but
this fact is somewhat obscured by
the dust of ages. In token that you
are one Of us, you will now be brand
ed. This ceremony is very Impress
i've and consists of two brands
They are both applied while the
iron is hot and consist Of one let
ter of the alphabet each. The first
is a large letter S, on which you
will please sit until the other letter
is applied to the stomach. The let
ter S, my worthy chicken, signifies
'scooped,' and refers to railroad
monopolies. 1t is also supposed TO
indicate the seat of learning-the
spot where the old-timc teachers
hunted for brains with the ferule.
The second letter is c, and is ap-
piled, as said before, to the stom-
ach. 1t has double meaning.
First, the application is an agricul-
tural one, Corn Crib and has ref
erencc to the stomach as being the
great receptacle for Bourbon whis-
ky. But, brother, do not be dill
gent in finding home market for
your corn. The second application
of the letter c, my distracted infant,
is got hold Of as follows: When
one Granger desires to ascertain
'for sure if there is another Of the
order in the room, he raises himself
gently by the slack of the-of his
acknowledgements his off
thigh with his near hoof, and re.
marks in voice of thunder: Are
there any Changers about?' The
answer is 'Jeese Wax The inquir-
er then says, 'let us see,' Qetter C),
and the other party must immediate
ly pull ont his stomach and disclose
the brand. These brands are ap.
piled in such n manner that | am
enabled to assure you that they will
wash"
was here interrupted, Mr.. Edi-
tor, by a volIey fired iuto the open
window, evidently intended for me.
Fortunately | escaped without a
scratch, and, which is of more con-
sequence, succeeded in fetching off
my precious manuscript. This is
about all there is in the ceremony
of any Importance must leave the
country at oncc-armed men are at
my heels-they know am writing
to expose them. You may hear
from me again by mail, if l should
deem it best to expose the other de-
grees-unti. then-adieu.
From your sacred friend,
B. POLE.