The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-04-10
SPLINTERS.
Old yarns-Darned stockings.

: A marriage on q railway train
may properly be termed a railway
tie.
Paper cuffs are said to have
! originated in newspaper attacks.
J The devil of the Ilion Citizen
> office has obtained a separation
from one toe.
/ The patent Office has just re-
} ported favorably GA three new
: kinds of corkscrews.
The society people of st. Paul
have had a gay winter season
three Methodist sociables.
John A. Randall, of Chenango,
was recently beguiled of finger
by deceitful buzz saw.
prayed out of town." are the
words nailed on the doors of sew
eral saloons at Xenia, Ohio.
An exchange says woman's
sphere is marriage. We never
saw one yet that had any fear
about it.
Vasquez, the California bandit,
took five dollars from a man and
then bought the mans gloves for
two dollars.
When the boys in Virginia City
wish to raise their kites they tie
the string to dogs tail, and
| mako tho animal RIM
"Pm particularly uneasy on this
point" said the fly to the young
gentleman who stuck him on the
end of a needle.
A kind lady in Danbury recent
ly gave beggar half dozen pa
per collars, with the advice to
turn them and chalk the edges.
i A Brooklyn sewing society fines
any member who talks scandal,
$1.O0 for each offense; only the
wealthy are able to attend.
Dio Lewis is the man who kept
Utica audience until 10: so, ex-
planning to them the good results
of going to bed promptly at ..
When the Indians catch a bald
headed man they cut off his ears
to compensate for the loss of
scalp, and it's about as well to be
scalped.
The Pittsburg Leader prints
half its advertisements upside
down for the accommodation of
readers who habitually stand on
their heads.
"If q naughty girl should hurt
you. like a good girl you would
forgive her, wouldn't your eyes,
marm," she replied, 'if I couldn't
catch her.
Mrs. Malaprop declares that,
for herself, her nerves would new
or bear the shock of having any
thing to do with the electrical
franchise"
The Danbury philosopher OBJ
serves that the placidity of ex-
preston worn by a man who is
"neXt" in full BARRIERS shop can
uOI U0 commencement
1t is no longer the vulgar title
of drunkenness" but rather the
polite and expressive title of tdip-
somania" by which the evil is now
to be known.
The compositors on the Atlanta
Constitution want to charge for
pictures the same as reading mat
ter. They call it a fat take, but
the proprietors say it is too thin.
Conscience doth make towards
of us all, particularly of Mich
igander, who, on being arrested
for larceny, promptly confessed to
burglary, bigamy and infanticide.
A Bhicago man wrote to Agas-
siz that he had an apple which he
had preserved for fifty-three years,
and when Agassiz wrote for it, the
joker said it was the apple of his
eye.
"Shall l cut this loin of mutton
saddle-wise?" said a gentleman.
'tNo," said one of his guests, 'cut
/ it bridle-wise, for then 1 may have
i a chance to get bit in my mouth
A slip of paper on the doorpost
!, of a New York boarding house
announcing lodgings to let, warns
J intending applicants that mo per
: formers on brass instruments need
] apply"
GA man shot in his own house.
. is the heading which the Western
, papers give to the Mcnamara af
fair. Spilkins wants to know i
this wasn't case of hitting a
! man "right where he lived"
) A Pittsburgh woman says thai
y one thousand reporters souls
. could dance upon the point of /:
i needle. This question of the sizs
e of angels souls was frequently
! discussed by the medieval monks
: A Detroit hotel keeper writes
i his own bill of fare, thereby saw
Z ing the cost of printing. 1t an
Q nounces "Coffee, soupe, rosie befe
E fride ham, boyled and bakt pota
y tvs, fride coul puddin and min
: pie"
n If you want to fire to frenzy tn
= . heart of the average Brooklynite
" just whisper to him the base sug
= gestion that he May yet make hi
Il boast that his home is in the TWEEN
a ty-fifti ward of the city of NeI
o York.
: The difference between havinI
Y q tooth properly drawn by Pre-
v fessional surgeon, and having
,r knocked out miscellaneously by
1T fall on the pavement, is only
le slight distinction-one is denta
TT and the other accidental.
4. A member of the Boston SchoC
Dt Committee, who does not thin
IT the election Of women to tia
e body legal, complains in the Pos
3 s'dolt," ststupid," "rowdy" an
a "mendacious" by the gentle se1
l. A queer trick obtains anon
it San Francisco artists, to-wii
e copying chroHos of scenery i
= the Eastern States and dublin
: them with California titles; fl
ss instance, selling copy of Esopu
he IN. W Greek as study from n.
s, ture of Napa Greek, California.
~ The Philadelphia Item suggesi
that il they would give whisk
- away, nobody would care to drin
:. it. This seems highly probabl
and ought to be tried. Doubtlei
II il the exnerience of most Of !