Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1874-12-24

was taking of his gown and bands, and, being
alone in the vestry with the suspected man,
he thought the opportunity was too good to be
lost, so he said, "Andrew, have you heard Of Of
the money that is missing from the box?
30, ay," said Andrew, 81 was hearing some
thing about it," ANDREW" continued the
other, very gravely, "the matter lies between
you and me. We are the only two who have
access to the box. Either you or must be
the thief" Deed, sir" re joined the imper-
turbable Andrew, "it's just as you say; we're
the only twa that has had access to the box,
and think the best woy'll be for you to pay
the half and | pay the tither, and say nae
moor aboot it."
p9- One of the peculiar people of Kansas is
j. w. NJ, justice of the peace and land
agent in one of the thriving towns of that
State. Not long since be was called upon to
perform the marriage service, and he improved
it in the following manner: wherefore, by
virtue of the authority vested in me by the
laws of the State of Kansas, and the rules
and regulations governing the land office at
-, hereby pronounce you man and wife
Whomsoever have joined in wedlock let no
man part asunder. 1 charge you to be true
to each other. True love is as scarce in Kan
sas as honest men in our Legislature. Be al
ways true and loving to each other, even if
the chinch bugs eat your corn, and your cattle
die of Spanish fever. Take homestead or
piece of railroad land in this county, one with
a good spring on it preferred (my partner
knows where there is good piece) and you
will be comparatively happy. Happiness in
this world consists of man and wife loving
each other and playing checkers. Itis a pity
there is so much deception, but if your hearts
throb in unison, and laborers receive two dol
lars day, you can consider yourselves in
luck Amen"
BOILED HAMMERS FOR PLEURIsY.-Old
DR.. Twitchell, Of Keene, New Hampshire,
once wanted to blister some one in farm
house far from home He had nothing with
him to do it with. He asked the housewife
to find him a hammer. The article was
brought out, put in teakettle over the lire,
and after the water steamed and bubbled
we'll, he lifted it out and gently touched it to
his patient in half dozen spots, over the seat
of pain, with very positive effect. Boiled
hammers were, for many years, used in that
neighborhood for pleurisy; and every old
lady knew nothing was equal to the hammer,
and there was a long dispute whether it should
be claw-hammer or not The yeas finally
conquered.
nsg- A very dirty, debased and ignorant
looking man came in to vote in a township of
Michigan. Said one of the ladies, offering
him a ballot. "I wish YOU would oblige US by
voting this ticket" "What kind of ticket
is that?" said he. "Why," said the lady,
"you can see for yourself" But I can't
read" he answered "Why, can't you read
the ballot you have there in your hand, which
you are about to vote ?" the lady asked.
"No," said he, ri can't read at all" "Well,"
said the lady, 'this ballot means that you are
willing to let the women as we'll as the men
vote" "Is that it ?" he replied, "tben don't
want it the women don't know enough to
vote. Grand Rapids Post
A Lesson IN NATURAL HIsToRY.-A lect-
urer on natural history was called upon the
other day to pay for a live rabbit he had in a
basket in railway carriage, and which the
ticket-conductor said would be charged the
same as dog. The lecturer vainly explained
that he was going to use the rabbit in illustra-
ton of a lecture he was about to give in a
provincial town; and Indignantly taking
small live tortoise from his pocket, said,
you'll be telling me next that this is dog,
and that must pay forit." The ticket-taker
went for superior orders, and on his return de-
livered this lecture in natural history: "Cats
is dogs, and rabbits is dogs; but tortoise is
hinsect."
The Majors DRILL-A man who had re-
Gently been elected a major of militia, and
who was not overburdened with brains, took
it into his head on the morning of parade to
exercise little by himself. The field selected
for this purpose was his own apartment.
Placing himself in military attitude, with
his sword drawn, he exclaimed, "Attention,
company! Rear rank, three PAGES, march,
and he tumbled down into the cellar. His
wife, hearing the racket, came running in say
ing, "My dear, have you killed yourself?'
go about your business, woman" said the
hero; "what do you know about war !"
ANOTHER K1ND.-Two Irishmen, lately
landed, were boarding at hotel where they
were sorely troubled with musquitos, and could
hardly obtain sleep enough to satisfy nature:
'Put yer head under the blankets" said
Mike, "and thin they'll not bite yees."
Pat did as requested, but scarcely had ne
found himself free from the musquitos when
he was attacked by the bedbugs which he had
failed to notice.
bad luck to me, Nike" said he; "here's
another kind widout wings and fddles; but
begorra, they bite as hard as the others"
sgr"What is your name?" asked teacher
of boy. "My names julie" was the reply
whereupon the teacher remarked, "You should