The herald and mail. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1873-188?, 1874-05-01
SEWING MACHINES.
MI. Quad's TribuIations I'm Getting q
First-CIRss Machine.

First-Class Machine.
There Hu bard. He drove up
to the do unloaded a sewing ma
chine, and said if we wanted machine
that would do all kinds of work, Iun
easily, hem, tuck, rufae, gather, braid
and be a thing of Joy forever and forty
DAYS more. we shouldn't fail to buy the
Lightning Singer" I boughtht, and
when, after week, he wanted certit-
cate, / cheerfully wrote one:
"This is to certify that have had
lightning Singer in my house for
some time past, and wouldn't be with
out it for twice its cost. It hadn't been
in my house half day before my son
recovered from the whooping-cough and
| my wife found ten-dollar bill on the
sidewalk. think it the best machine
ever made. can't bear to go to bed
and leave it.
He said he was ever so many times
obliged, and he hadn't got out of sight
before Kilroy drove up with the
"Thunder & Blazes'' machine. He be-
gan to snuff at the other machine; said
we'd been terribly humbugged, and
that his machine was the only first
class machine in the market.
Ny wife began to cry, and he soothed
her by offering to trade his machine for
the other-which he could sell for old
iron-and thirty dollars to boot. We
made the trade. He said the ''Thun-
der and Blazes" would make any kind of
stitch, sew any kind of fabric and
outrun anything but locomotive. He
came round the next week with O certi-
| ficate all written out, and I signed it {:
"This is to certify that I have gained
ten pounds of flesh per day since pu
chasing your machine, and that my
wife hadn't run it half an hour when
her uncle died and left her two hundred
thousand dollars. Not one of the chill
dren has had cold since the day the
Thunder and Blazes came through the
gate. It plays easily, the strings are
not liable to snap, the stops are easy to
manage, and it is the only machine in
the world that can be operated by a
red-headed woman with a cork-leg. I
can stay out until eleven o'clock atnight
now, and my wife hasn't word to say.
Formerly she used up four rolling pins,
costing two shillings each, per week"
Then McManus came. I told him
that we had the best machine in the
market, and he asked to look at it. He
hadn't fairly got his eyes on the
Thunder and Blazes" before he COM
menced to laugh.
Ho-ho-ho!' he shouted, as he drop
ped on chair; "it will kill me-did
you ever ?-oh no ! no p
sternly asked the cause of his hilar-
ity, and he replied that Kilroy had
swindled us-taken us in-cheated us
stone blind. The Thunder and Blazes"
wasn't worth anything, he said--was an
old machine invented by blind man
and patented by fool.
| My wife began to weep.
but" said McManus, "that were
his machine, the Chained Earthquake
It was the machine, ard all other ma
chimes were base limitations. We might
try it, and if we didn't like it he would
cut his throat with a brick-saw. We
tried it, and when he came with his
certificate signed it:
"This is to certify that your sewing
machine has saved me 10 per cent in
fuel and 20 per cent. in hay and corn
since we purchased it. licked an al
derman, pulled a schoolmaster's nose
and kicked a member of the legislature
the second day after we got the ma
chine, and we hadn't owned it a week
when found where could get trusted
for meat and wood, and discovered
-four shed unlocked. It will sew any
thing from leg of mutton to a New
Hampshire mountain. There hasn't
been cloudy day since the machine
first started, and the moon now rises
two hours earlier and lasts all night.
| No one should be without it,
! He took the certificate with a tri-
umphant smile, and
But I must leave off here. Farms
worth has just called with "The Five
Jeweled Duplex High Low " machine
the only leading machine in market
and he is telling my wife how we got
| swindled by McManus. M Quad.