Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1874-03-14
WIT AND HUM0R.

Pa, are cannibais people that i've on
other people?'' Yes, my dear. I"
Then, pa, Uncle George must be
cannibal. for ma says he's always liy-
ing on somebody.
A Cincinnati matron says there is
not a fashionable girl in that city but
would rather stay away from church
than be seen wearing pair of single
button gloves.
a dandy asked an old sexton if the
ringing of the bell didn't put him IN
mind of his latter end. No, replied
the grim grave digger, but the rope
puts me in mind of yours.
A New Hampshire farmers wife fell
into well. and it was four days before
he missed her, and made search. He
said he thought the house unusually
quiet, but he didn't know what made
II so.
A Bennington girl, whose domestic
nature is equal to her natural SIMPLE
ity, was invited by an advent exhorter
TO join his sect, get her white robe
ready and prepare to ascend. Il
can't, the maiden; father and moth
er are going, and somebody must stay
and take care of the cattle.
A French gentleman learning Eng
lish to some purpose, replied thus to
the SITUATIONS: How do you do,
Monsieur ?" Do vat?" How do you
find yourself?' Il neverloses myself"
How do you feel 2" Smooth. You
just feel me f fT
A Boston till-tapper recently pur-
chased a half gallon of molasses at a
grocery, and, in default Of jug, got
the grocery to pour it in his hat, which
was no sooner done than he clapped
the hat over the grocer's head, and
while the latter was suffering thro
the flood of syrup, deliberately robbed
the drawer and decamped. Expert
ence is harsh teacher. but an infalli-
BILE one; and that grocer has probably
learned now the meaning of the pro-
verb, Sweet are the uses of ADVERSE
ty."
Show may be easily purchased but
happiness is a home made article.
Whenever you get in passion, sit
down in cool place for fifteen minutes.
A lady who had never been blessed
with children, went to shop to buy
some illuminated notices for her sit
ting room This would be the best, l"
said the dealer, who happened to be
an acquaintance, and he passed her
Suffer little children to come unto
me-"
Yes, take her and welcome" re-
spOnded an Illinois farmer, when a
young man asked for his blushing
daughter. She's run away with a
school master, eloped with Snowman,
shot a wildcat, and whipped her moth
er, and the sooner you take her the
better"
In California obituary it is stated
that the deceased was a person of rO-
mantle nature. He placed the breech
of his his gun in the FIRE, and looking
down the muzzle, departed hence in
simultaneously.
Goodness of heart is mans best
treasure, his brightest honor, and his
nablest acquisition. 1t is that ray of
Divinity which dignifies humanity.
Building castles in Spain, NJ. S"
sud the landlady to Spicer, who was
thoughtfully regarding his breakfast
cup No, ina am, said Spicer, only
looking over my grounds in Java
Jack. said a man to lad just en-
tering his teens, your father is drown
ed. Hang it. replied the young
hopeful, and he's got my jack-knife
in his pocket
The lady who tapped her husband
gently with fan at a party the other
night, and said, Love, it's growing
late. | think we had better go home,
is the same one who after getting home
shook the rolling-pin under his nose
and said, you internal old scOundrel
You, if you ever look at that mean,
nasty, calico-faced, mackerel-eyed
thing that you looked at tonight, I'll
bust your head wide open"
A happy misquotatiOn by a young
lady, whose gentleman caller stayed too
late, caused speedy good-by The
clock struck twelve, and she remarked:
Now is the witching hour of night,
when people yawn."
\ little girl asked a minister, do
you think my father will go to
heaven?" why. yes. my child. Why
do you ask?" well, because if he
don't have his own way there. he won't
stay long, l was thinking"
A man was boasting that he had
been married for twenty years and had
never given his wife a cross word
Those who know him say he didn't
dare to.
a southern editor says of rival
editor that he is inclined to DENY the
crime of being red headed. Well,
you may call it auburn, or blonde, or
anything else, but our impression is
that he would be entitled to the first
place in any tOrchlight procession
Somebody has traced Chief Justice
Waite's ancestry back to one of the
men who condemned Charles the First
TO death If there is any one who
doesn't believe it, let him trace and
see.
A Montreal man said: BY the
Lord, Harry, and justice fined him
seven dollars and costs. How could a
Yankee ever put up stove in that
country?
At a recent golden wedding in Nau-
gatuck. Connecticut. the old couple
showed the young folks how "courtin >
was done fifty years ago. and those of
the young folks who know how it is
done at the present day could see the
method had changed much. -.
The most appalling case of deafness
that we ever came across outside ola
asylum was an old lady who lives just
across the street from the navy yard
The other day they fired a salute of
twenty-one guns. The old lady was
observed to start and listen as the last
gun was fired, and then exclaim, Come
in.
How a Reporter Lost his Situation.
I. =. IA .bat - N p,ouanf of ton,