The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1874-03-10


EB- Evra sorrow haz its twin joy ; the
fun Of Extracting almost pays for having
the ich.-Josh Billings. s:
= Esg- Said aEQuaker to gunner:
Friend, l counsel no bloodshed but if
it be thy design to hit the little man, in
the blue jacket, point thine engine three
inches lower"
tB- "Can you tell me, Bill, how it is
sleek and smooth P' "No," said Bill
Well, he always carries his comb with
him.
gTr It isn't.always. best to call things By
called a coach dog a Dalmatian hound, and
was informed by his .fdncee that If he could
not refrain from profanity in her presence,
they must henceforth be strangers.
EB- A man left bony steed on Main
street last Saturday, and, coming back a
short time afterwards, discovered that
funny youth had placed a card against the
fleshless ribs bearing the notice, Goats
wanted-inquire within"
r5g- An idle young man was complaining
to prosperous friend that, although he
had tried his luck in all sorts of fairs and
lotteries, he had never been able to draw
anything. Indeed" said his friend
Well, suppose you try hand-cartp 2
You can draw that"
n-=dsT o,d So bo;I;ff bo,,;no, haar OrJar
ed by Lady -- to procure SOW of a
breed and size she particularly described to-
him, came one day into the dining-room,
when full of great company, proclaiming,
with burst of Joy he could not suppress ::
"I have been at Royston fair, my lady,
and got a SOW exactly of your ladyship's
breed and size."
| EB- 1t is related that justice of the
peace in one of the back towns of Lewis
county, N. Y, on being elected justice of
the sessions, was asked what he thought
ought to be done with a man guilty of
arson. He thought gravely for few mo-
ments, and then answered he should be in
favor of fining the fellow and make him
marry the girl.
eB- A few days since prominent law
yer in st. Cloud, Minnesota, carried homo
a nice young turkey, but was told by the
servant girl that it must be very old as it
had lost all its teeth-whereupon said law
yer was greatly surprised, and replied that
he had not particularly examined the
turkey, but he had relied wholly upon the
butcher, who said it was young.
tsg- An epicure in Vermont writes to his
local newspaper that, having indulged
freely in the eating of frogs, his hands are
now covered with what his doctor calls
humorous engagements of the vascular
papile and indurations of the surrounding
epidermis', and he was scared most to
death, until he found that it only meant no
had warts.
GsB- A young gentleman was frequently
cautioned by his father to vote for " meas
ures, not men," He promised to do so,
and soon after received bribe to vote for
a Mr.. Peck. His father, astonished at his
voting for man whom he deemed obiee-
tionahle, inquired his reasons for SO doing.
"Surely, father" said the youth, you told
me to vote for Measures and if Peck is not
a measure, don't know what is"
EB- A Detroit policeman in the western
part Of the city heard that aresident Of
Twelfth street had been badly injured, and
he called at the house to obtain particulars
He found the man lying on the lounge, his
head bound up and his face badly scratch
ed, and he asked:
"What is the matter; did you get run
over or fall down stairs?"
"No, not exactly, replied his wife, " but
ho wanted TO run the house his way and
wanted to run it my way, and there he is"
EB- The man who answered an adver-
tisement to the following effect says his
curiosity is satisfied now
"If you would like to know how to
make home happy, send postage stamp
and 25 cents to P. o. box No., Cincin-
natl"
He did send the necessary cash, and
soon received the answer
If you are as big fool as we think you
must be for giving us your money, you can
make home happy by leaving it and going
West yourself.
And yet that man is not happy.
esg- A colored man applied to Boston
savings-bank, wishing to draw one dollar.
The clerk informed him that the iron rule