The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-12-18
THE UNDERTAKER,s CHAT.
BY MARX TWAIN.

4 49,
"Now, that corpse" said the un-
dertaker, patting the folded hands
of deceased approvingly, twas q
brlck-eVery way you took him he
was brick. lie WAS so real &C.
commodating, and so modest-like
and simple in his last moments.
Friends wanted metallic burial case
nothing else would do. 1 couldn't
get it. There warn'r going to be
time-Rnybody could see that.
Corpse said never mind, shake him
up some kind of a box he could
stretch out in comfortably, he warn't
particular bout the general style of
it. Said he went more on room
than style, any way, in last final
container. Friends wanted q silver
door-plate on the coffin, siSnifying
who he was and Wher' he was from.
Now yOu know q fellow couldn't
rOust out such gaily thing as that
in q little country town like this.
What did corpse say? Corpse said
whitewash his old canoe and dob
his address and general destination
onto it with backing brush and a
stencil plate, long with q verse
from some likely hymn or other,
and pint him for the tomb, and
mail him G. o. D., and just let him
flicker. He Warn't distressed any
more than you be-on the contrary
Just as cam and collected as a
hearse-hOrse said he judged that
wher' he was going to q body
would find il considerable better to
attract attention by q picturesque
moral character than a notify burial
case with g swell door-plate on it.
Splendid man he was. I'd druther
do for q corpse like that'n any I've
tackled in seven year. There's |
some satisfaction in buryin' a man
like that. You feel that what you're |
doing is appreciated. Lord bless you,
SOS he got planted before he spilled, |
he was perfectly satisfied said his |
relations meant well, perfectly well, |
but all them preparations was
bound to delay the thing more or |
less, aud he didn't wish TO be kept |
layin' around. You never see such |
q clear head as what he had-and SO |
cam and SO cool. just q hunk of
brains-thst is what he was. Per-
fectly awful. 1t was q ripping dis |
lance from one end of that mans |
head Ito tother. Often aud over |
again he's had brain fever a-raging |
in one place, aud the rest of the pile |
didn't know anything about it
didn't affect it any more than an In |
jun instruction in Arizona affects |
the Atlantic states. Well, the rela. |
tiOns they wanted a lurid funeral,
but corpse said he was down on |
flummery-didn't want any process
sion-hll the hearse full of mourn
ers, and get out a stern line and tow |
him behind. He tUdS the most |
down on style of any remains i ev-
er struck. A beautiful simple
minded creature-it was what he |
was, you eau depend upon that.
He was just set on having things
the way he wanted them, and he |
took q solid comfort in laying his |
little plans. He had me measure |
him and take q whole raft of direc-
tons; then he had the minister
stand up behind long box with a
table-clOth over il, to represent the |
coffin, and read his funeral sermon,
saying, 'Angcore, angcore? at the |
COED places, and making him |
scratch out every bit of brag about |
him, and all the hifalutIn and then |
he made them tIot out the choir SOS |
he could help them pick cut tunes |
for the occasion, aud he got them to |
sing Pop Goes the Weasel because |
he'd always liked that tune when he |
was dOWnhearted, and solemn mu-
sic made him sad and when they
sung that with teArs in their eyes
(because they all loved him), and
his relations grieving around, he
Just laid there as happy as q bug,
and trying to beat time and show
ing all over how much he enjoyed
II and presently he got worked tip
and excited, and tried to join in, for
mind yOu, he WIS pretty proud of
his abilities in the singing line; but
the first time he opened his mouth
and was just going to spread him.
sell, his breath took q walk. new
er gee man snuffed out so sudden.
All. it was great loss-it was a
powerful loss to this poor little one
horse town. Well, well. we'll, /
amt got time to be paiavering along
| here-got to nail on the lid and and
mOsey along with him; and il
you'll just give me lit wen skeet
him into the hearse and meander
| along. Relations bound TO have it
so-don't pay no attention to dying
injunctions, minute q corpse's gone
but, If l had my way, If didn't re-
spect his last wishes and tow him
behind the hearse I'll be cuss'd. /
consider that whatever q corpse
wants done for his comfort is Q lit
tie enough matter, and q man amt
got no right to deceive him or take
advantage of him; and whatever 9
corpse trusts me to do I'm 8 going
to do, You know, even if it's to stuff
him and paint him yaller and keep
him for q keepsake-you hear me I"
He cracked his whip and went
numbering away with his ancient
ruin of Q heaFse, and continued
my walk with 9 valuable lesson
learned-that . healthy and whole
some cheerfulness is not necessarily
impossible to any occupation. The
lesson lie likely to be lasting, for it
will take many months to obliterate
the memory Of the remarks and cir
cnmstances that impressed them.