Sunbury American. [volume] (Sunbury, Pa.) 1848-1879, 1874-08-07

juno now II II gONIeSl4- DiShS Az t''S
Colonel.
'Buneted by the worlds rude storms,
YOU see me here a stranded wreck. Scarce
three months past left my Office in charge
of my worthy foreman, ana sought the
peaceful wales and calm retreats of the
AIuskingum valley, where my childhood
spor;ed. Returning, l stopped in CIncin-
matt, fell into evil company, and-but
why dwell on details. Enough that l am
that [ am-disheartened,r ruined, broke =
mark for scorn to point her slow, unerring
finger al. as 1 was about to give up in
despair, having given up everything else
had, L thought OF you. Sir, l am here.
You have not sent for me, but l have
come Your name, sir, is known and no.
Hored from one end OF this great Republic
to the other. It
CLOVIS in the stars
Reireshes IN the breeze,
Warns in the sun,
And blossoms on the fees.
When the national treasury was threaten
ed by horde of greedy congressman, you
stood like a wall of adamauJ between the
people and those infamous salary grab
bers Lend me d0llarh
Ny dear SIR the colonel hastened to
explain, you mistake the case entirely, l
was one of the grabbers.
You were p lgrasping the colonel's
hand WARMLY so much the better. Let
me congratulate you that n parsimonious
public could not frighten you out Of what
vas fair remuneration for your invaluable
services. 1 am glad that your pecuniary
circumstances are so much better than
supposed Make Il tco dollarS'
And the colonel did. 1t was the only
clean thing left for him to do.-S, Louis
Republican.
= GOOD mother was trying TO explain
to a young hopeful the other day about
fighting against the devil. After telling
tle little fellow who the devil was and how
hard be was to successfully resist, he turn
cd around aud said, Mamma I'd be scar
ed Of the old devil, but if was to come
across one Of his little devils, I'd knock the
slnriL out ofhim.'
The landlord of one of the leading hotels
in Philadelphia has often had much trou-
bic il converting new hands into smart
walters. Ills first order was, give the
gentlemen soup before anything else i
Il h.
ceiyed his directions, and had made up his
mind to act on them. The first for him to
try them on was a yerdant countryman,
who did not appreciate soup. Pat brought
the soup. Greeny says, Don't want it,
says greeny, again. We'll, then, yees
better take it, for divil a bit will yees have
10 ate before wees swallow that
How lie CAUGHT IT.--A resident Of
New Haven, Connecticut, has latterly given
up steamboat travel, and now when he
wants to 20 to New York, he provides
tickets by the railway. His preference for
the latter method Of locomotion came about
in this wise: Not long ago he had occa-
sion to 90 to the metropolis Of the Empire
State, and accordingly be started for the
steamers landing, with a carpet sack in
one hand and a cane in the other, in what
he supposed TO be ample time. But when
he came in sight Of the wharf he observed
the boat apparently swinging away from
her mOorings, and, amid the shouts and
jeers Of the bystanders, he broke into a
frantic rue for the landing. The boat was
eight or ten feet from the wharf when he
reached the place where he had hoped to
find gangpiank, but nothing daunted, and
trusting to the momentum acquired during
the run, he leaped into the air and gained
the vessels deck. Not without accident,
however The carpeJ-b2g struck one pas
senger 50 violently in the stomach that he
doubled up Ike a jackknjfe, and absorbed
whole flask Of brandy in getting straight
ened out, while the cane struck another
man in the face with sufficient force to sud
denly induce him TO get down on his knees
to look after hs hat. When he had Ieco-
yered il the man who had occasioncd all
this commOiion said to him, in tone of
mingled apology and selfgratuaiion, We'll,
/ made il Yes, you did, said the sore
headed passenger, but you burned old fool,
this boat amt going Out, she's coming in. ,
WHEN romantic young man deter
mines 10 surprise his sweetheart by a noon
day call, and proceeds to execute his par
pose with a shining Countenancc and a
breast full OF tumultu0us longing, nothing
sends such a sickeBing sensation through
his frame, when the servant is about to
usher him into the parlor, as to hear the
idol Of his soul yelling up the basement
stairs for him to just wait awhile, till she
washes the molasses off her face.
II you would excite inventive genius de-
priyc a topper Of his regular dram. If he
don't End q way to get liquor it viii be re-
maIkabe. The hast invention in this line
is the case Of the man who put some rock
candy in a bottle, rubbed the neck with
camphor, and then had the druggist to ill
itwitn whisky, the wife Of the purchaser was
troubled so much with the headache
\ GENTLEMAN at dance remarked TO
bis partner, witty young lady, that the
''room was too close-he must 60 out and
get some air. After an absence of half an
hour be returned, when she asked him if
he had been at the graveyard, as his
breath smeled Of Jierl
DO bats ever fly in day time p asked
teacher of his class in natural history.
Yes, SIR said the boys, confidently.
what kind Of bats p exclaimed the aston
ished teacher. 'Brickbats = yelled the tri-
umphant boys. They were called out in
diyidually and rewarded for their wit.