davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

A trunk checked tor Chicago a, the depot
recently had the following inscription pasted
on 1t, written in delicate hand: "For
Heavens sake. play light on this trunk. All
I've got IS in it, and every cent in my poke,
| will have to spend to get divorce from a
shiftless husband"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

Mother said a little urchin when he came
home i have hear,! such smart preacher.
He stamped and made snch noise, and then
he got mad: he shook his fists at the folks,
and there wasn't anybody dared to go up and
fight HIM. -. vsr err. ,-..
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

During the late bathing season an individ
ual walked up to the Office of seaside hotel
and with considerable flourish signed the
book and exclaimed: I'm Lieutenant Gov
ernor of - THAT doesn't make any diff
ference" says the landlord; you'll be treated
just as well as the Others"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

They say woman requires more sleep thar
a man. Why don't they take it then, and mo-
always lay awake to administer curtain lee
lures to their spouses at night, and wake uI
first in the morning, for the purpose Of Civ
ing their admonitiOns!
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

A charming little fish story comes from
Vermont "A boy caught an immense pick
eral, which broke the line and disappeared.
The boy fell into the water and sank to the
bottom, whsreupon his brother grabbed him
by the hair and pulled him out, only to find
the lost pickeral firmly clasped in the boys
arms"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

A man had better have milestone tied to
his neck and be cast into the sea, than TO
promise to marry Texas girl and then re.
fuse. The whole country turns QUITO hunt
him, and he is generally left to grow up with
q tree.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

y philosophical tailor in Harrisburg Pa,
advertises that when people with sallow, ir-
regular and homely faces are clad in gar
ments OF his making they are looked upon
with love and veneration, their countenances
being regarded as the index of pure and com
passionate spirits"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

A little girl, reading the History of Eng,
land with her mother and coming to the
statement that Henry |. never laughed after
the death OF his son, looked up and said
What did he Go when he was tickled@
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

A Virginia bridegroom over seven feet
high is announced. The affair created con
siderable sensation, but ii is believed she only
married him to go chestnuttng with.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

Benjamin Franklin used to spell soap
"s.op-e,' and yet there isn'ta day butthat some
one holds him up as a great philosopher and a
good man
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

\ Syracuse girl said she would 20 to a
candy-pull, so there! Her old dad said he'd
see about it, and he locked her IN her room.
She let herself down to the ground by two
sheets and danced all night till broad day.
light
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

The Cincinnati Enquirer remarks "A
young man of the town who parts his hair in
the center is said 10 have made slight mis-
take at the opera last night. In order 20 OBJ
tain clearer perception of high note he
reached in his cOa!-tail pocket and brought
forth what he thought was an opera-glass,
but what indeed proved TO be revised com
pilation Of derTinger. People in his i'm
mediate vicinity were surprised and some
what frightened 10 see him elevate the ordI-
nance TO his eyes and steadfastly gaze down
into its dark caverns OF death II was upon
first impression thought TO be cool, delib
erately.planned suicide, but when he quietly
put it back in his pocket and brought the real
article into requisiIion the horror melted from
before their ewes and it became apparent
that 1t was only mistake after all. 4 few
hairs whose beat lay on the larboard side Of
the young mans skull had by some mean:
gotten un the stsrboard side. Hence the
] slight alteration OF mind
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

1t doesn't pay to try to raise poultry in
Georgia. The owner of the fowls has to pur-
chase shot-guns and ammunition, set up
nights, kill folks and attend inquests, and,
after time, he is worried out.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

Show me a Radical gentlemen sad pol.
itician, and III show you liar Il, sir, am
one exclaimed a ready opponent Just
Gene round the corner was the reply, and
III show you fellow who SAID l couldn't
find Radical in the ward
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

A poor young man remarks that the only
advice he gets from capitalists is to 'iivc
within his income" whereas the difficulty he
experiences is to live without an income.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

There is this difference IN the biography
of James Watt and the legend of the pillar
of salt. One is the story of Watts life and
the other is the story of Lots wife.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

Ladies should remember to keep their
mouths shut when going out Of warm room
lnto-the cool air. In fact 1t wouldn't hurt
anything to keep them shut most Of the
time
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

John Smith, of London, ran away with two
Miss Mores, and they are after him with his
pairo' Mores
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

A Uniontown On. j. woman, by the free
use Of carbolic acid, removed all the frcckles
from her face. The doctor thinks a new
skin will set in in about nine weeks.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

\ Michigan man has hit upon happy ex.
pedient for getting rid of the rheumatism.
He crowded it down into two fingers and
then had them amputatea
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

what would you be, dearest, If | should
press The stamp of love upon those sealing
wax iips?'' a. responded the fairy-lIke
creature, should DISCRETIONARY"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

Mercy Consolation Smith, is Fort Waynes
handsomest girl. Mercy will no doubt be a
Consolation to some fellow.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

4 Maryland girl who was under tree
when it was struck by lightning, saws she
thought some one had thrown his arms
around her, and Maryland girls lament that
the season of thunderstorms is drawing TO a
close.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

when put my foot down, III have you
10 understand" said Mrs. Nojoker, that
there's something there" On investigation,
it was found 10 be No. II shoe,
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26
Mixed,

We told our local TO ''write up Richard y
Cos pork house, and also the election returns,
and this is the way he did it;
Richard IL Co.'S pork house is in full opera
ton; the majority is about eight hundred
hogs a day, with a good deal OF scratching
on the sides and backs. II was supposed il
would reach one thousand, but owing to late
returns and several counties to hear from, not
more than five ar six counties are received Il
day, principally by the 7. W. \ w, and L.,
b. & W. railroads.
They have every faculty for unloading and
are weighed at the polls in droyes of fifteen
or twenty. They are driven to the pen and
are allowed to remain over night, when about
three o'clock the returns come in. They are
then driven up the shute, and behind the gate
sits Wildhack as judge 10 see If each one is
registered
The second gate is then closed and two men
prod them with long democratic and republi-
can tickets to keep them from boiling the
convention and running independent. An
iron clasp is put around one of their hind
legs, and ballot folded and put in their hands
and then hois,ed TO the second story where
they are struck and rolled down into little
tin box whence they are taken out and count
ed After remaining in the boiling waterfor
few minutes, they are then hOisted out by a
steam fork and ali the bogus votes thrown
out. Then all the hair is scratched off, and
they are then passed over to men who remove
the entrails, then washed and hung in the dry
rooms. The,next evening qualification meet
ing is held and speeches are made. After the
heads are cut off, they are divided up into
shoulders, sides, hams, lard, &c. They are
removed TO the first floor, where all conven-
tons are packed and sailed, giving our tickets
clear majority, and giving indications of a
return of peace and prosperity to our land
fifteen days out Of salt.-Ptkia Times.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

An inebriate man, walking along the street
regarded the moon with sovereign contempt:
You needn't feel so proud" he said, you
are full only once a month and | am every
night"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

Ladies are said to wear their street costume:
trimmed with bugles because they assis
them in making their calls.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

Mr.. Delos, of Wisconsin, has $40 warts on
his hands, and that's warts the matter with
Delos
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

II is the nectar of youth which sticks
young lips So closely together,
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

Monkeys never grow older in expression A
young monkey looks exactly like his grand.
papa melted up and born over again.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

The mitten season is approaching.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

Something to boot-Lightning-ro peddlcrs
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-26

Words that burn-Benzine and blazes.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1874-04-08
Fine Feathers,

IF the daughter of the Gar, who has
lately become Duchess of Edinburgh,
should live hundred years, she would
not be able to make use of all the arti-
cles that make up her wedding outfit,
and which her mother has been making
up for long time The shoes and bot
tines, O. la Louis XIV, Louis XIV, and
Marie Antoinette, are counted in heaps.
The fur-Ened boots, for the snow, are
admirably finished Among the hand
kerchiefs is one which made no little
sensation in the italian section of the
Paris Exhibition of 1867. The Empress
bought it last year in Italy for $4,000
francs. 1t is SO deliberately embroidered
that the oatvreuse took seven years to
complete it, and lost her sight in work.
ing it. The ColonePs uniform worn by
the Duchess for she is honorary Col
onel of a regiment), who is a light
blonde, with brilliant complexion, is
Of the most exquisite beauty magma
BILE. The helmet, which is of the rich
est workmanship, is of gold, steel, and
silver, and of dazzling brilliancy. When
in full parade dress, the Colonel Ouch
ess is as martial as Minerva herself.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1874-04-08

ture, eve throw away yearly a quaint
ty of chicken feathers the intrinsic
value of which is equal to the money
we pay out for cotton. A startling
statement, but the author considers it
true and he proceeds to explain how
the feathers are prepared to render
them valuable: The operation is to
cut the plume portions of the feathers
from the stem by means of ordinary
hand scissors. The former are placed in
a bag, which, when full, is closed and
subjected to a thorough kneading with
the hands, At the end Of five minutes
the feathers it is stated, become a dis
aggregated and felted together, forming
down perfectly homogeneous and of
great lightness. 1t is even lighter than
natural elder down, because the latter
contains the ribs of the feather, which
give extra weight. The material thus
prepared is worth and readily sells in
Paris for two dollars a pound About
one-sixth Troy ounces of this down can
be obtained from feathers of an ordin-
airy pullet; and this on the above valu-
alton, is worth about twenty cents. It
is suggested that, through the winter,
children might collect all the feathers
about farm, and cut the ribs out as
we have stated. By the spring time a
large quantity of down would be pre-
pared, which could be disposed Of to
upholsterers, or employed for domestic
uses. Good feathers may be treated in
similar manner, and thus two-thirds
Of the product of the bird utilized, in
stead of only about one-ffth, as is at
present the case.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1874-04-08
The Yacht Enchantress.

In an article on the forthcoming Eng
lish yachting season, which, by the
way, is expected to be one of unusual
brilliancy. the Court Circular says:
" We were not prepared to find that
Americanyacht owners would do any
thing this year to give additional bril-
hancy to our yachting sfetes; but Mr..
Fish, who is well known, not only in
American yachting circles but all over
the yachting world, as one of the most
successful yacht designers we have
seen, has arrived from New York and
is now at Cowes, where he will remain
during he summer, Mr.. Loubat, the
owner d the new American yacht En-
chantre's, having requested him to visit
England this summer in order to carry
out vanous alterations and improve
ments il his yacht which he intends to
race tbs season. Mr.. Fish brought
over frm New York with him a splen-
did sui Of cotton sails for her, and, I'M
der Encouragement, she will no doubt
come oft as a second Sappho, which
yacht, it will be remembered, was so
transformed by Mr.. Fish that in her
matches with the Cambria, after her al
teratiols had been effected, the Cam
bria was certainly nowhere % ..... 3"
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1874-04-08
The Grandest College Hall i'm the World.

President Eliot is not generally re-
garded as braggart and when, in his
annual report to the overseers of Hair
ward College, he spoke of the great din
ing hall, now nearly completed, in con-
nection with Memorial Hall, in these
words, cit is by far the grandest
college hall in the world, and there are
very few rooms for secular purposes in
existence which can be compared with
it, - people were disposed to lift their
eyebrows little, and to feel uncomfort-
able at the thought Of the peacock TAX
ing possession of the university. There
are few public halls abroad, especially
in England, that move men educated in
our American colleges so much as the
great college halls, Like those in Oxford
and Cambridge. Memorial Hall and
the more expensive Dining Hall, which,
with the theatre, planned but not
built, form the great building erected
by the alumni Of Harvard in commem-
Grafton of the noble dead, will appeal
in the same way to travellers and to
students, and, as matter of dimensions
President Eliot is assuredly right.
Christ Church Hall at Oxford was lis
feet by 40 and SO in height; Queens
Hall measures so feet by SO. In Cam
bridge, ST. Johns College Hall is also
60 feet by 30; that of Corpus Christi
College is 81 by 27, the height 35
Trinity Hall is IS feet in length by "a
in width, and 25 in height and the
two greatest halls, those Of Kings Col
lege and Trinity College, are the former,
1O2 feet long, SO feet long, and 45 feet
high the latter 1O2 feet long, 40 feet
wide, and Sc feet high. This last may
perhaps be regarded as the finest col
lege hall in England. Now the dining
hall at Harvard is 165 feet in length, so
feet III width, and from 50 to so feet in
height. So, then, as regards dimen-
s1ons, 1t surpasses thefnest of the Eng
lish halls, and when it is added that
Memorial Hall, connecting with i is
1O4 feet in length by 30 feet in width,
and that the theatre will be added final
~ upon the other side, with CORES
pondlng proportions, it will be seen
that Harvard men may feel a justifa-
bic pride III the structure. Nor is it
simply in it's bigness that one may re-
loice, but in the noble simplicity Of the
interior, the honest workmanship, and
the beauty of it's lofty, open timber roof.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1874-04-08
An Illuminated Cross.

{, A novelty in the shape of cross
composed of $50 glass illuminators, to
be Illuminated by electricity, was raised
yesterday afternoon on the ,spire of st.
Stephens r. G. Church, in Carroll, near
Hicks street, Brooklyn, and was Ii GIFTED
for the first time last evening. The
CROSS is 10 feet inches high, 4 feet 6
inches across the arms, (which are 7
inches in thickness and s inches in
width The illuminators are convex,
and in the shape Of crown, and were
manufactured expressly for this cross.
There are ten grooves on the outer sur
face of each illumination. The frame
work of the cross is of wrought-iron,
and Will rest on solid wooden bali
about twenty inches in diameter, which
itself will be supported by four hand
somely-shaped volutes. The electrical
apparatus, which will be placed in the
body of the church, consists of Rum
korf pile with plunging battery, con-
stituted specially for this cross by
Charles t. Chester, of New York. The
gas will be run up into the cross through
inch and quarter pipe 100 feet long,
100 feet of inch pipe, and twenty-five Of
three-quarter inch pipe.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1874-04-08
Benefit of Laughter.

1t is said by good medical authority
that there is not the remotest corner or
little inlet Of the minute blood vessels
OF the human body that does not feel
some wavelet from the convulsion occa-
stoned by good hearty laughter, and
also that the " ce1ltral man. or life
principle, is shaken to it's innermost
depths, sending new tides of life and
strength to the surface, and thus mate
rally tending to insure good health to
the persons who indulge therein. The
blood moves mere rapidly-probably
caused by some chemical or electric
modification occasioned by the convul-
slon-and conveys different impression
to all the organs Of the body as it visits
them on that particular mystic journey,
when the man is laughing, from what
it does at other times.
For this reason every good hearty
laugh IN which person INDUCES tends
to lengthen his life, conveying, as it
does, new and distinct stimulous to the
vital forces. We doubt not that the
time will come when physicians, con-
ceding more Importance than they now
do to the influence of the mind upon
the vital forces of the body, will pre-
scribe to the torpid and melancholy
patient certoin number of hearty
peals of laughter, to be undergone at
stated periods, and believe that they
will, in SO doing, find the best and most
effective method of producing the re-
CURED effect upon the patient. Our
advice to all is, indulge in good, hearty,
soulful laughter, when the opportunity
offers, and If you do not derive material
benefit therefrom, charge us with utter
ing false principles of materia medica.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1874-04-08
A Travelled Cent.

The Portland maine Press says that
five years ago agentleman in that city
scratched his name on nickel cent and
sent it on it's travels. Eighteen months
after this cent came into the possession
of a Lowell acquaintance, who marked
his name upon it. Two years later it
turned up in Pennsylvania, and came
into the hands of former chum of the
Portlander. Recognizing the name, he
inscribed his also on the coin. One day
this week the man who started the
cent on it's travels was making a pur-
chase in a Lowell store, when the iden-
tical nickel which left his pocket five
years ago was handed to him in change.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1874-04-08
The Nova Scotia Giant at Home.

There is one place, however, which
the traveller must not fail to visit. That
is st. AIMS Bay. He will go light of
baggage, for he must hire a farmer to
carry him from the Bras dor to the
branch of ST. AIMS harbor, and part
of his journey will be in a row-boat.
There is no ride on the continent, of
the kind, SO full of picturesque beauty
and constant surprises, as this around
the indentations of st. AIMS harbor.
From the high promontory where rests
the fishing village of St. Ann, the
traveller will cross to English Town.
High bluffs, bold shores, exquisite sea-
views, mountainous ranges, delicious
air, the society of member of the Do
minion parliament-these are some of
the things to be enjoyed at this place
In point of grandeur and beauty it sur
passes Mr.. Desart, and is really the
most attractive place on the whole line
OF the Atlantic Cable. If the traveller
has any sentiment in him he will visit
here, not without emotion, the grave of
the Novia Scotia Giant, who recently
laid his huge frame along this, his ma
tive shore. A man of gigantic height
and awful breadth of shoulders, with
hand as big as a shovel, there was
nothing mean or little in his soul.
While the visitor is gazing at his vast
shoes, which now can be used only as
sledges, he will be told that the Giant
was greatly respected by his neighbors
as a man of ability and simple integrity.
He was not spoiled by his metropolitan
successes. Bringing home foreign
trlumphs the same quiet and friendly
demeanor he took away: he is almost
the only public man, who did not feel
bigger than he was. He performed his
duty in life without ostentation, and re-
turned to the home he loved, unspoiled
by the tlattery or constant public Curl
osity. He knew, having tried both,
how much better it is to be good than
great. | should like to have known
him. should like to know how the
world looked to him from his altitude.
[ should like to know how much food
it took at one time to make an impress
sion on him; [ should Like to know
what effect an idea Of ordinary size had
In his capacious head. [ should like
to feel that thrill Of physical delight he
must have experienced in merely clos
ing his hand over something. 1t is a
pity that he could not have been edu-
Gated all through, beginning at high
school, and ending in university.
Ehere was field for the multifarious
new education f If we could have an
nexed him with his island, [ should
like to have seen him in the Senate of
the United States. He would have
made foreign nations respect that body,
and fear his ightest remark like a
declaration Of war. And he would have
been at home in that body of great
men. Alas he has passed away, leav-
ing little Influence except a good ex-
ample of growth, and grave which is
a new promontory on that ragged
coast swept by the winds of the untam-
ed Admittedly c. d. Warner, in
april atlantic.
Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1874-04-08
A just Criticism in Rhyme.
EITHER-NEITHER


Have YOU seen dictionary
Of this new vocabulary
Which pronounces Either i-ther,
And pronounces " Neither "ny-ther?
Do not call it affectation.
Shoddy show pronunciation
It upsets the Ell diphthong,
Dropping and change places
With the ease of Grecian graces:
Only let them change their stations
In like place to all relations
Change their places in believers"
Change them also in " deceivers, p
Change " conceited to concyted,
Fortunes freight " to fright, atfrighted ;
For this rule which gives us i-ther,
Changing "neither into ny-ther,
Makes g believers all belyvers,
And 4" deceivers all decyvers;
The "conceited man concyted,
While the " freighted ship is fry-ted.
:" Deigning," too, is dining true,
For every line brings something new.
" Vein :" is vine before this current;
q Weight is wight, with Yankee accent.
If YOU cannot change these also.
Speak as others do, or should do.