Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1874-06-25
A Bolt Always in Order.

Squills declares that his wife is always
taking some kind Of mean advantage of
him 1.-The best woman IN the world,
sir,'' says SQuills, but now and then she
will act mean, and she can't help it,
"Last Sunday at breakfast" says Mr..
Squills, "she was as smiling as basket
of chips"
care your chops done to your liking,
Squills, dear?"
Deliciously, my love-"
az broiled them myself, dear"
81 knew it was going to be hot" said
Squills, {" and when l got into the hall to
leave, Mrs. Squills was there, with my
hat in one hand and my overcoat in the
other"
"Squtlls, DEAR" she began
81 thought it time to pitch in here,''
said SQuills, $50 | said, quietly:
"' How much, Mrs. Squills? Out with it,
my love-"
beg, not to say ridiculous. Gussy wants
a silk dress to go to church in; the poor
child really isn't decent-'you are very
sorry?' Well, so you ought to be. Let
her say her prayers at homer No, Mr.
Squills, she shan't stay at home, and she
shan't say her prayers; and, Mr.. SQuills,
you're enough to aggravate a saint, and
your conduct is disgusting, and it's enough
to drive woman to bolt right off to Chi
cago and get a divorce"
I thought this was a good time to fire
off my pet joke" said Squills, so / said {:
Mrs. Squills, a bolt is always in ORDER
Then l bolted myself, for Mrs. Squills
comes Of a fighting family.
"When | went home that night Gussy,
81, II L
music, and | knew | was in for the dress,
only I wanted to hold out till morning,
just for the looks of the thing.
"For five years after we were married
Mrs. 5. would persist in looking under
the bed for man; It's the same man
every woman looks for, I suppose, be-
cause they all do it. We'll, failing to find
the man, Mrs. Squills gave up in disgust,
and took to something else. Mrs Squills'
weakness is boiling the door. Mr.
SQuilIs, have you bolted the door?' is al
ways the last thing at night.
"This particular night Mrs. Squills
was very dignited and distant. You
wounded my feelings in their tenderest
point this morning; and cannot forget,
though you did, that [ am your wife, sir,
and the mother Of your children, Mr..
SQuills'
"This was pitching it uncommonly
strong, you know" said SquiIls, and |
was about to surrender, when Mrs. S.
turned off the gas and then coiled herself
up in a pet somewhere on the outside of
the bed rail. Not even Good night,
Squills.' l felt pretty bad about it, L can
tell you, but l went to sleep, but after a
while [ experienced kick in the back
as if some playful mule had been tanning
me. Perhaps it was necessary, as l al
ways sleep hard.
Mr.. Squills,' at last 1 heard Mrs. S.
say, Mr.. Squills, have you bolted the
door"
"Now, l leave it to any man whether
that is the correct thing for the mother of
the family to do? Of course [ got up and
bolted the door, and I said, Mrs. Squills,
why didn't you think of boiling the door
before / went to sleep, ard not wake
up man in the middle of cold night to
do it?' And what do you suppose her an
swer was?
"'Why, Mr.. Squills,' said she, L
thought bolt was always in order
"What cid say? What could 1 say?
And the worst of it ALL" said Squills,
"I'll be hanged if she wasn't laughing at
me. "-Bost0n Courier.