The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1874-10-24

,enses oy refuge, homes for tue v'S'I,n,
The married mans retreat, and the oacheiote
ireside. -. so,,e
ON the European plan, and menny oV 'heuu
on no plan at all. od .,on.
4 GOOD landlord IL like good slep.
,,,o,her hc knows hiZ bizyness, and means
to do biz duty. ;,h 80
=, hon the traveller draws nigh ne kP.oWs
BON "a smile: he knew yure wIfes father
,rhap he waz living. and yure WIGS lust
husband. bot he dea't speak about him.
Ue kan tell whether it will rain Tomorrow
or not: he hears yure complaints with a
tear in his eve; he blows up the servants at
purp suggestion. and stands around redhy,
With shirt-coiar az stiff az broken china.
a mau may be good supream court
nudge. aud at the same time he is mlSera'
bic landlord.
Most evryboddy thinks they can-Eeep
hoteE--and they kan; but this ackounls 'or
the CRATE number ov hotels that are kept on
the same principle that ! jnstiss ov the peace
offiss IL kept in the country during SIX
daysS Jury trial for killing somebody yeiio
dog. 49,, 49,
A hotel won't keep itself and keep the
landlord, too, and never kure atravellerdroh
the habit of profape swareipg.
I hav had this experiment tried on mo
several times, and it alwuS makes me sWafe
wuss.
II il too often the 'kase that landlords go
into the dizziness ov hash az ministers 90
into the profesShun-with the very best ov
motives, but the poorest kind ov prospects.
I don't know oy emmy bizzneSs more Hat
tersum than the tavern biZzness. There
don't seem tew be ennything tew do but
few stand in front ov the register With pen
behind the ear, and see that the guests enter
themselfs az soon az they enter the mouse;
then yank bell.rope six or seven times !;
and then tell John tew sho the gentleman
few 97G and then take four dollars and fifty
cents next morning from the poor devil oV a
traveller, and let him went.
This seems tew be the whole thing-and
it IL the whole thing in most cases.
Iu will dIskover the following deskrim-
shun mild one ov about 9 hotels out ov 10
| between the Atlanik and Pacifilck oShunS,
akrost the United States in straight line
Yure room IL Is foot inches by foot 7
inches parallcloyramiy.
Tic heing court (aS uSuaD all the good
rooms are employed hi the lawyers and
judges.
Yure room IL on the utermost floor.
The carpet liz Ingram ngraIned with the
dust, kerosene lie, and iDk.Spots ov four
| generashuns.
Tharc il two pegs in the room few hitch
coats onto, one ov them broke oph, and the
other pulled out, and missing.
The buro haz three legs and one brick.
The glass tew the Duro swings on two
a. :,tL L., Loaf fl,n,r
Thare liz one towel on the rack, thin, but
wet.
The rain-water in the pitcher cum out ov
the we'll.
The soap liz az tutf tew wear az whet-
stone.
The soap il scented with cinnamon lie,
and variagated with spots.
Thare IL three chairs, kane sectors, one il
O rocker, and all three are busted.
Thare liz Il matchbox, empty.
ThaIe IL no kuriin tew the windo, and
thare don't want tew be emmy; yu kant see
out. and who kan see in:
The beIl.rope is cum oph about inches
this side ov the ceiling.
The bed liz a modern sat-bo!tom, with
two mattresses, one cotton and one husk,
and both harder and about Us thick as sea-
biskitt.
Iu enter the bed sideways, and kan feel
every sIat at once az eusy az yu could the
ribs ov grid.iron.
The bed liz inhabited.
Yu sleep sum, but role over good deal.
For breakfast WI hav gong and rhy kof-
fee tew koId 10 melt butter, tride pothtcZe
which resemble the chips two-inch anger
makes in its journey thru an oak log.
Rrpa1 Soij1 IapfSf oak a hoIt "a thiE ~ a
blister-pIaster, and az tuff az hounds ear.
Table covered with plates, a few scared
to.death pickles on one ov them and flynn
dorsed crackers on another.
A peWterinHtom castor with three bottles
ia it, one without emmy mustard and one
with two inches ov drowned flies and Vine
gar in it.
Servant girl with hoops on hangs round
you earnestly, and wants tew know if yu
will take another cup oy kottee.
Iu say, "No, nom, thank yu," and push
back yure chair.
Yu haven't eat enutf to pay for picking
yure teeth.
am about as self-konsaited as it will do
fora man lew be and not crack open; but
[ never yet konsaited that ! could keep q
hotel. 1 had rather be a hiWayman than teW
be suRs landlords have visited with.
Thate are hotels that are o JOY upon earth
WHARF u man pays biz bill az cheerfully as
he did the parSon who married him !; WHARF
! you kant find the landlord unless yu hunt
| in the kStcheD; WHARF servants glide around
like angels ov mercy; WHARF the beds fit a
mans back like the feathers on Il gooze; and
WHARF, the yittles taste just az tho yure wife
or yure another had fried 'em.
Thczc kind ov hotels ought tew be built
on wheels, and travel around the kuntry.
They are az phul ov real cumfort as il
| thanksgiving pudding; but, alass! yes,
alass.! they are az unpenty az double
yelked eggs.