The Stark County Democrat. [volume] (Canton, Ohio) 1833-1912, 1874-12-17
OUR SUNDAY NIGHTS MISHAPs.

Last Sunday evening was the darkest we have
known for many months. With all the dismal
blackness of Erebus not gas jet was lighted upon
the streets, except an occasional scintlating
spark Of loquacious profanity which lighted up
few surrounding feet Of space with phosphOresent
glow for brief period, but died out as soon as the
individual who gave 1t flow had found desired
plank walk, and elevated himself from the gutter
where he had previously landed with Jolt
through a mistaken step in the dark.
Though we had just et the lights of the sane.
tuary, we acknowledge to having unintenuonaly
given utterance to an unpayerful ejaculation. as
we came to an abrupt stop, with our cold nose
pOked fOrcibly into some fair maidens eye. We
couldn't help it, and with an incoherent apology
for the gas men, we sailed ahead like an inmate
OF the blind asylum going for his dinner, until in
turn our right optic was severely jammed by the
feTued end Of a star umbrella. The man who
steered that umbrella was about six feet tall and
had powerful voice, so we said, "Thaub YOU.
oil" and jumped actively aside TO let him pass:
but 1t proved an injudicious jump, for a ~ iden
collision with sanded tree box brought a san.
guine and unnatural glow to our dexter cheek
which was only momentarily forgotten in the
more sanguinary flow Of unpolished English that
succeeded it.
Great, red Mars though invisible to us, looked
down and sighed for possession of the warlike
spirit that swelled like a bursting steam boiler
within us. But we subdued the intense earnest.
Ress Of our thoughts, and leaning against the tree
rallied forenother advance. As soon as the cool
ing wind had dried the penpl1ation on our burn
ing brow, we started steadily onward We knew
the average width Of the pavement, and by Sc.
ries Of cautious manipuatons, and by keeping
our hand closely against something that felt like
fence. We managed 10 get along all right I'LL we
came to corner Then we stopped p calculate
The average number Of steps to the southwest that
would land us on the crossing. which we knew
was somewhere near. By way Of experiment, we
heldawhile handkerchi-f directly in front of our
ace, within two inches Of our eyes, but against
the backness Of the night It looked like crane on
black walnut door.
Finding that we could not depend on our eyes
for guidance, we resolved 10 dethrone all reason
for the time, and trust wholly to Providence and
bull-headed luck. So we braced up. calculated
another imaginary angle, and stepped boldly out;
80 wv AAtN epiann! ana We went kerChuck
Into the gutter. almost two feet below the ssrfaee
Of The plank we started for. We felt as though
our shoulder blades and knee bones had changed
places. We hshed out our damaged hat from the
mud and as this occurred within twenty feet of
lamp post, We exclaimed in anguish: Is this Can.
ton, and have we gas works. Our next maddened
thought was TO lie down in the gutter and yell
murder thieves rObbersl but when we tbougb,
ofthe uncertainty Of the immediate presence Of a
policeman. we gave it up. and disguised with
sidewalks and crossings, as a danieT resort We
struggled out and getting into the deepest mud
We could find, waded slowly homeward in the
middle Of the street
This Is nothing short Of actual experience. and
other poor unfortunates Of whom we know. can
tsll as much Of themselves with full and proper
regard for truth. 1--we had broken our back. IL
Wouli have been our last request that the city be
held responsible for damages, small though they
may have been.