The Western advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1872-1874, 1874-05-02
CURRENT ITEMS,

CUkkENT ITEMS.
LEAD astray-Bullets that don't hit the
mark.
A NORwALK (Conn) cat, bereaved of
her kittens, has adopted five young chick
ems.
STEPPING with the bare feet on an oil
cloth at two a. m. rarely fails of suggest
ing new figures of speech.
WHAT relief, Jones thinks, it must be
to ladies of an uncertain age to know that
they may at least be cre-mated.
A DUBUQUE girl received three pounds
of candy and a serenade by starting the
story that she had fallen heir to $4,000.
To CLEAN a Drowned porcelain kettle,
boil peeled potatoes in it. The porcelain
will be rendered nearly as white as when
new.
SOME one has stolen the silver brick
which Nevada was going to present to
the English Capt. Lorraine.-Detroit Free
Press
IT is good ground for divorce in St.
Louis if a wife finds 113 love-letters from
red-headed woman in her husbands
pocket.
THERE is large willow tree at Box
ford, Mass, a hundred years old, which
has grown from a cane casually stuck in
the ground.
A RICHMOND paper thinks that the NOV.
ing of the mountains in North Carolina
must be owing to the increase of faith in
that region.
BoBBs complains that his wife is an in
flationist. She blows him up every day,
and makes him circulate until he actually
feels that he is beyond redemption.
If q Kentucky man will shoot his best
friend in dispute about fifty.cent UNI
brella, what would he do in case some
one drove his best cow to the pound?
A Two.YEAR-oLD heifer in Johnston, R..
l., recently climbed on a low shed and
from thence to barn, and walked the
ridge-pole-and came down again safely.
A MAINE debating society is now wrest-
ling with the question: els a Sabbath
school Superintendent justified in wear
ing red neck-tie ?"-Boston Transcript.
A NAN in Boston, in his hurry to assist
fainting lady, got a bottle of mucilage
instead Of camphor, and bathed her face
with it. She was good deal stuck up
with his attention.
A NEW YORK paper says that Vir-
ginia mule is two pegs above New York
Coroner in point of intelligence and sa-
| gacity, though it doesn't want to hurt any
Coroner's feelings.
DIR. DIo LEWIS asserts that smokers
are morose. This is because, during one
of his dull lectures few weeks ago to a
small audience Of tobacco punishers,
more rose and left than stayed. -Meanphss
Aunlanche.
The body of woman lately deceased
in New York is to be exhumed for the
purpose of teAting the question as to
whether she was poisoned. Suppos1np,
now, she had been burned instead of bur
led, Messrs. Cremationists?
SOME melancholy man with turn for
arithmetic has calculated that the people
who died in Philadelphia last year
would have made procession one mile
long, marching ten abreast What a loss
to the centennial!
QUIZ looked mournfully at his indigo
colored dish of potatoes the other morn
ing, and admitted that times were bad
and the potato bug fourishing, but that
he didn't think it was manly to look so
blue about it.-Cancimnoti Times.
A BOSTON paper wonders why men,
Der of Congress who recently spoke with
SO much feeling of the hay.seed in his
hair'' and "oats in his throat" forgot to
complete the diagnosis of the case by al
luding to the rye in his stomach.
WHEN Sheriff down in Vermont, in
opening the County Court, the other day,
cried: "All persons having causes or
matters pending therein draw near, and
they shall be heard, and God save the
people" he was satirist and didn't
know it.
A LADY IN Lake City, Fla, has grow
ing in her garden a genuine cork tree
thirty feet high, the bark on which is suf-
ficiently thick to make bottle corks.
There is also in the same garden gen.
uine black pepper bush, which yields
regularly full crop of the berries.
AN interesting new member of the Bos-
ton Young Mems Christian Association is
Newfoundland dog, who got one of his
fore-paws crushed the other day, and hob
bled past several other buildings to that
of the association, walked up stairs to the
library and held out his MANNED paw in a
pitiful way. He was adopted, and given
surgical treatment gratis.
THE Boston Herald tells q story of ga
Montana man" who, while dining in
Philadelphia, drank the water from a
finger bowl, mistaking it for lemonade,
and the Ne,o Northsoest says, incidentally,
that "the story has been going the rounds
| of the press for several weeks" We don't
know how long it has been going the
rounds of the press; we know simply that
it started about two weeks after finger
bowls were invented.-CourSer-Jo Journal.
A PLAYFUL HORsE.-Aboutt three weeks
ago, as the engineer of the morning pas
senger train going west on the Detroit g.
Milwaukee Road had reached a point
three miles beyond the junction, he saw a
horse on the track ahead. He "tooted"
| at the animal, but the horse waited until
the locomotive was at his heels and then
turned and ran. The bell rang and the
whistle screamed, but the horse kept the
track for full mile and then leaped off
and let the iron monster rush past him.
He was there next morning to repeat the
same operation, and continued it with the
greatest regularity until Wednesday morn
| ing. He then extended the race further
| than usual, being in unusually good
| spirits. Coming to cattle guard he hesi-
tated an instant before making the jump,
and the cow-catcher caught him. He was
in the air making the leap when he was
struck, and thrown as high as the smoke
stack, but came down in a pond of water,
and was seen to jump up and gallop off
as if unhurt.-DetroSt Free Press.