The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1874-03-03

"Walking with a cane when you amt
lame, F" replied the intelligent boy.
tsg- On Monday morning last young
man, on taking up a daily paper, turned
to the column Of the births, and said, al
wonder if there is anybody born that ]
know ~
GB- A lady had her dress trimmed with
bugles before going to a ball. Her little
daughter wanted to know if the bugles
would blow when she danced.
"Oh no, % said the mother, "papa viii
do that when he secs the bill"
Bg- Talking about upsetting sleighs,
Wicks remarked to young lady he was
taking out to drive, 81 always pick out the
softest place 1 can, when 1 upset my
sleigh" She replied, "Why 1 should
think it would grow monotonous, always
falling on your head"
GB- An exchange says: "Does hang
ing prevent murderP" We hate to tackle
conundrum of this kind, but our private
opinion is that it does prevent it. There
is not q case on record of a person COM
mitting murder after he has been success
fully hanged. This style of treatment ap-
pears to reform them in some way.
Eg- Scientific men say that if pianos
stand north and south the tone of the in
strument is much improved. This is true,
especially when the piano is thumbed by
learner.
About one hundred and fifty miles north
and south of you is the proper position for
the instrument to stand when being man
ipulated by young thing taking her first
lessons.
eB- After giving Sandy certain direc-
tions about kirk matters, the minister
shifted once or twice, and then remarked,
Saunders, fear you have been tasting
this morning" "Deed, sir, replied Sundy
with the coolest effrontery, set off with a
droll glance of his brown eyes, '"deed, sir,
l was just gaun to observe thocht there
was smell O. sperrits among us this
mornin'."
NB" A Yankee and Frenchman owned
pig in partnership. When the killing
time came the Yankee wished to divide so
that he should have both hind quarters,
and persuaded the Frenchman that the
proper way to divide was to cut across the
back. The Frenchman agreed to it, ON
the condition that the Yankee turned his
back, and then the Frenchman asked
Z" Fitch piece will you have, re piece wild
| 4o;1 ,,;o NJ o;n
tail on him ?''
"The piece with the tail % shouted the
Yankee instantly.
"Den by gar you take him and l take
ze ODER" said the Frenchman.
Upon turning round the Yankee found
that the Frenchman had cut off the tail
and put it in the pigs mouth.
Vas- The following is published by the
recently given by colored woman of
Washington to her hopeful offspring !;
"Ephrahem, come to your mudder now,
whar you bin P' "Playin' wild de white
folks chillun." "You is, eh2 See hyar,
chile, you broke you ole mudders heart,
and brings her gray hairs in sorrow to de
grave, wild yer recklumness and carryn's
on wild ebl assoayshuns. Hadn't raised
you up in de way you should ought to go?'
"Yessum." Hadn't been kline and
tender wild you, an treated you like my
own chile, which you ?" Yessum."
"Habn't reezened wild you, and prayed
wild you, and deplored de good Lord to
wrap you in his buzzum ?'' cam isn't
yer material detector and gardeen fo' de
law P' "Yessum." "Well den, do you
s'pose Use gwine to bab yer morals ruptur-
ed by dc white trash? No, sab You git
in de house dis instep; an if / eber cotch
you 'municatn' wild de white trash any
mo-, 'fo' de Lord, niger, I'll break yer
black head wild a brick p "Yessum."
EB- Mr. Godfrey Simpson, who is ac-
customed from time to time to make visits
to Oshkosh with the boys, returned from
brief but eventful sojourn in that great
center of hilarity at late hour yesterday
morning, just as the clock struck one
three times. Being in state of compare
tive tipsidity, bordering on absolute drunk
osity, lie was to the last degree obfuscated,
and after making several but Intellectual
clutches at the house rs it madly waltzed
around him, he made frantic dash at the
first door that came along and bulged
noisily into the cow-shed. Old brindle met
him, tucked her cud under her tongue,
wrathfully iabbed her knobbed horns into