Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1874-02-12

from within asked: "Who comes -
My gnide answered: "a youthful
agricnlturist who desires to become a
granger"
Sepulchral Voice-IIa,c you looked
him carefully over?
Guide have, noble gate-keeper
5. V.-Do you find any agricultural
marks about his person?
Guide-I do.
S. V.-What are they?
Guide-The candidate has carroty
hair, redlst whiskers, and a turnip
nose
5. WHY do you desire to become
granger?
Guide-(answering for the candi-
datt) That | may be thereby The bet
ter enabled TO harrow up the feelings
of the rascalIy politicians.
S. V.-You will bring in the candi
date. My worthy STRIPPING, as you
cannot see will cause You to feel
that you are received at the door on
the three points of pithfork, pierce
ing the region of the stomach, which
is TO teach you three great virtues
faith, hope and charity. Faith in
yourself, hope for cheaper farm
machinery and charity for the Eighth
rng-rod peddler. You will now be-
harnessed, and in representation OF
the horse Pegasus, will be tested as to
endurance aud wind.
(rhe candidate is here attached to
small INIT ton plow, by means Of
hempen harness A dried pumpkin
vine is put in his mouth for a bit and
bride He is made TO get down on
all tours, the guide seizes the bride,
and urged on by Granger armed
with Canada thistle, which he vigor
ously applies to the terminus of the
spine. the candidate is Q Hoped three
times around the room. While max
ing the circuit the members arise and
sing:
Get up and dust you bully boy
Who wouldn't be q Grangers
II the this'le's PRICK don't cause You joy,
Tofeeiing you must be stranger.
After this violent exercise heis rub
bed dry with corn cobs, beeswaxed
where thistled, and brought standing
up before the great chief the Most
Worshipfu' Head chief - the Most
Worshiptul Pumpkin Head.
Nj. w p lI.-Why do you desire
to be a granger?
Candidate answering for himself)
= That | may learn 20 extingush sew~
ing machiE agents
NJ. w. p. HI Have your hands
been hardened with toll
Candidate = Not extensively, but
then | am not running for office.
NJ. W. p. His well, tor our
lodges contain several who are sup
posed to be ready to sacrifice them.
selves for the good of their consti
tuents. Do you feel pretty smart this
evening?
Candidate-Yes, where the hustle
goes on.
NJ w. 2. H-(savagely) i Give me
chew of tobacker
Candidate searching himself thor
oughly, but as there Is no place about
HIM to stick pocket, tries to explain,
but the most worshipful pumpkin
head interrupts him with:
"Never mind my dear young friend
i am well aware that in your pres
ent condition, you can no more furnish
Your friends with the weed than Adam
corld be comfortable in a plug hat
and tight boots. It is merely to teach
You the great lesson OF economy-do
ing to others as you'd like to have
them do to you. You wi now be
conducted to the most eminent squash
producer, who will teach YOU the
grand hailing sign OF distress. The
sign, my worthy brother, will insure
you again't many of the ills of the
agriculturlsts amongst others, against
droughts and bel g bit by the Zero
cious grasshopper."
The candidate is now conducted to
the most eminent squash producer
who thus says: "My worthy brother.
| will now invest you with the order
of the festive plou shboy, which you
have we'll won by your heroic achieve
ments while harn"ssed-may you ever
wear it in honor 10 yourself and ma,
Il be means OF terror TO your enemies.
CThe NJ. K. S p. then proceeds to
invest the candidate with the regalia
of the festive Ploughboy, which con
sists of q long tomato necklace J
"The grand hailing sign Of distress is
made by gently closing the left eye.
laying the right forefnger alongside
the nose and violently wagging the
ears. 1t requires practice, but the
advantages are intense. 1t also ha>
an important Specification, which you
will do well to heed. The closing OF
the eye signifies that in all your deal
ings with mankind you are bound to
have an eye TO business. Laying the
forefnger alongside the nose is EN-
blematIcal OF wisdom, and places YOU
at once among the ''knowing ones" >
This is extremely handy in progno>ti>
eating new weather, and saves the
wear and tear of almanacs. Wagginy
the ears signifies subimity of purpose,
and is thought TO be emblematicaI OF
childhood's happy hours. 1t is also
supposed by some profound :holars
10 have distinct reference TO apple
dumplings, but this fact is somewha,
obscured by the dus: of ages. Tn
token that you arc one of us, you will
now be banded. This ceromony is
very impressive and consists of two
brands. They are both applied "while
the iron is hot" and consists Of one
letter of the alphabet each. The first
IS large letter s, on which you will
please sit while the other let or is an
filed TO the stomach. The letter s.
my worthy chicken, signifies scooped.