Dodgeville chronicle. [volume] (Dodgeville, Wis.) 1862-current, 1874-06-05
THE SORROWS OF A. J. PERKINS
A scHcoLBoY's STORY.

A sCHCoLBOY's STORY.
HIS name was Andrew Jackson, but
they called him Andy for short; age,
about twelve years; he was youth "built
strong upon his legs" after the good, old
English pattern. s.
All Europe wept over an imaginary
Werther; shall no tear be shed upon a
real Andy? Nay, not so. Though he
may not have the appearance of one, he is
suffering hero, and he shall be sung
Full many boy is born to blush unseen,
and waste his anguish on the desert air /;
but Andy shall be plucked and put under
peoples noses; perhaps they will after
ward be tender toward his kind.
Personally, Andy was the average boy.
You would not have suspected, as you
gazed on his hard, round cheeks and
apple nose, that he was the victim of adj
verse fate His hair grew thick and
bristling over his scalp, reminding one of
that good old hymn, There'll be no Part
ing There!" In vain did his mother essay
to blaze track through this wilderness;
the plow may break wild prairie, but
comb could not break Andy's locks. No
girlish curls hung upon his brow. He
had no sweet effeminacy-wasn't a
"dear little fellow" nor "good boy"
He was that young scoundrel Andrew
Perkins, who was always smashing things,
and fighting, and getting disgraced; who
was burster of ears; sauce'boX TO ola
ladies, and an elephant on the hands OF
his nervous mother. Scrapes were Andy's
normal condition. Those thornS of
"oughr' and fought not" were forever
goading his flesh If he had one unhar-
Tassed moment, this was merely the
silence preceding some thunder. clap
Andy leaped from his pillow and went
forth unsuspiciously to a day of woe.
These dear boys! they swing their caps
and rush into an atmosphere of heart
break with "hurrah! on their lips.
Their brothers are as hard to them as
broken banks to their papas, and their de-
spairs partake of that grim desperation
with which grown men put their heads
into noosed ropes.
Sliding down stair-railing, as usual,
Andy caught one leg and fell, smashing
the gas-shades and upsetting hat-rack,
while the brass buttons on his new Jacket
flew in all directions like sparks. And
as their custom was, on such occasions,
his fathers household rallied against him.
His sister wheeled from her piano, fright
ened out of an Italian squall into gen.
uine English one; his father got him by
the collar and shook him, sailing his
bruises with trite remarks; the younger
girls stood around, pious, proper and hor-
rifed; and his mother sat down and
smelled camphor, wondering If the boy
meant to kill her?
Then at the table they would not let him
alone. They asked him, sarcastically,
what napkins were made for, when he
wiped his molasses on the table-cloth; !;
they prevented his putting three biscuits
in his mouth at once; they groaned when
he rested his elbow in the bottom of his
cOtfee-cup; they confused him about
knives and forks, and raised such breeze
when his gravy ran down on the wrong
side of his stomach that Andy went to
school desperate, taking the scalps OF
many youth on his way.
AS he wriggled about in his desk and
wondered why he was born, he encoun-'
tered Miss Slocum gazing upon him with
her usual superior air. Miss Slocum was
damsel of eight, and though Andy ha d
soft side and secret admiration for her
sex generally ne had no such indulgence
for her. Her very existence was a con-
tinued insult to himself Were not her
praises footed in his ears from morning
till night? His teacher measured his
recitations on Miss Slocum's superior
performances his mother extolled Miss
Slocum's manners, and his little sisters
initiated her. No fault was ever found
with Miss Slocum.
Andy squinted at her.
Miss Slocum resented this. She lifted
her nose at him. Then there followed a
duel of grimaces; Andy nearly foored
her with a hideous face made by rolling
his eyes upward, sticking his tongue out,
and waving his one hand from his nose
Just like triumphant battle flag. But
Miss Slocum plucked up heart and lip,
puckered her chin and shot fearful
sneer at him. Andy, however, who was
the best paper-wad artillerist in school,
was not to be killed by blank cartridges
SO Immediately returned his shot bv turn
ing his eyes upward, sticking his tongue
out longer and adding another triumph
ant banner to the nose-fort. Miss Slocum
wavered before such prowess; but she
gathered her resources and made up a
compound face, which | will call Greek
fire nothing can adequately describe it;
it was feminine masterpiece. But
Andy had in reserve another move,
which brought her proud crest to the
earth; he drew mouth and eye sockets
back till they formed complete circles
round his head, and came down on her
with the effect of Medusa. His teacher
also saw it, and for an instant even she
was turned to stone. But she soon re
covered herself, and called the injured
weeping Miss Slocum to her side to be
comforted with caresses; and then she
very properly took that desperate boy
into closet and threshed him for his
outrageous conduct.
Before ithad quit hurting" Andy haG
promised TO lick" so many boys fol