The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-08-07
THINGS.

that Is MOI PAID Tor.
IE is asserted that if the comet hits
Chicago, L. JOG divorces will be blast
ed in the bud.
There is nothing more calculated
to weaken . bows moral character
than to get his fishing-hook fasten-
ed on rubbish in the river.
Why did he hate it so? A GER
tain member of Congress has given
New England college no less than
1910 patent Office reports.
While an Indianapolis journalist
was writing an account of q burg
larry, his own room was broken into
and ransacked by thieves.
A New York man has christened
his daughter Gfycerine. He says 1t
will be- easy to prefix nitro if her
temper resembles her mothers.
Bsyard Taylor has concluded not
to explore the heart of Africa, and
those obituary notices may as well
be distributed ~ Detroit Free Press.
A Chicago editor, who went out
for q days sport with the gun and
rod, shot a forty-five dollar COW,
and caeght ansoid hat with q stone
in it,: ~ 80 E01tIG
When the wifesis detected show
ing uifsisual affection for her hus-
band, II may fairly be expected that
she will appear before long in new
oVHne's s-5-
TheEe is a muie-ia East Wheeling,
w. Va, who haa kicked the roof of
his stsble1 eEeEEHight for the past
week. in addib6h to knocking the
seiueaI out OF 4 fazniiy of pigs.
A Boston correspondent of the
True South writes that Boston may
be built on seven hills, but the
streets are so mixed up that you can't
tell which hill you are on.
A painter being asked to estimate
the cost of painting certain house,
drew forth a pencil and paper, aud
made the following calculation /:
ga nought ia nought; three into
five twice you can't-Pll paint your
house for fifty dollars"
An old clergyman spying boy
creeping through the fence exclaim-
ed: What! crawling through a
fence! Pigs do that" eyes" re-
torted the boy, "and old hogs go
along the street"
1t is said that DIR. Mary Walker
now carries pistol for newspaper
men. We have always spoken of
that beautiful and accomplished
physician with the highest respect.
Louisville Courier Journal.
A young lady asked clerk in the
Wisconsin News Company's store
yesterday if he had "Festus." "No,"
re piled the clerk, "but I'm afraid q
boil is coming on the back of my
Observation-Disclosures Sentinel.
There is a good boy in Lisbon, if
we may believe the Lewiston Jour-
nal, who, when he found his aged
mothers bible was OF too fine print
for her falling eyesight, sold the
book and bought base ball bat and
four sticks of chewing candy.
An Ottumwa boy charged a
stump with blasting powder, at
tached fuse to blow it up, and got
on the fence to see the fun. He
isn't collected enough yet to tell how
funny it was, although the citizens
are collecting him in different parts
of the suburbs.
A boy was seen in the streets of
st. PauI a few days ago with his
cap full of green apples. He was
followed half a mile by three doc
fOpa Iaforn tho frat nrinn eaizoa
him, and then they all had plenty
of business for the next hour trying
to keep him undoubled.
A grave-digger, walking in the
streets of country town the other
day, CHANGED to turn and noticed
two doctors walking beside him.
He stopped till they had passed, and
then followed on behind them.
"And why is this 2" said they. F1
know my place in this procession"
said he.
In consequence of a fatal epidem-
ic among chickens in Minnesota,
ministers are receiving donations
nearly every hour i'm the day.
This is beautiful and effecting fact
and reminds US that no pastor can
have a successful ministry who does
not enjoy the affections of his con-
gregations.-Brooklyn Argus.
Little Billy was very cross and
tired the other night, and he wanted
his father to take him on his knee ;
but father was tired, or pretended
to be. 81 want you to hold me on
your knee, he whined." "I tell you
1 cannot do it, 1 am tired" replied
his father impatiently. "Tired
You wasn't very tired last night
when You held Mary on your knee
in the Kitchen"
In olden days, if a counter-jump-
er took too much liquor and got
into trouble, he was sure to figure
in the police reports next morning
as a medical student. Now it APP
pears another class of men are to
have a turn, for a gentleman who
had a little difficulty with the pn-
lice the other night, and was fined
SO in the morning, described him.
self as q Journalist" This is too
bad. Newspaper meh have quite
enough to bear from the gibes of an
unkind world, without having this
sort of stigma cast upon them.
The had little KBOys of 50.
JOseph.
IT'S a pitIfHl tale of the woes of
The elegant bellies and the beaux of
The people who visit st. Joseph.
They blush like the rose at the rows OF
White, stark-naked bodies of those OF
The sha meless young lads of st. Joseph
Who battle where the clear water flows
of
The beautiful river st. Joseph.
I'll be frank, and I'll not try to CLOSE o.
An evil that steadily grows of
This wickedest one of the shows of
This sanity old town of st. Joseph.
These swimmers, say they, are the foei
| of
The mortals and peace and repose of
The respectable town of st. Joseph.
| They should wash themselves of witt
the hose of
A hydrant, or we will suppose of
A pump. "Not as any one knows OF,
Reply those bad boys of st. Joseph.
And straightway each one OF then
throws off
His waist strap, and strips all hi
clothes off
And dives into the river st. Joseph,
In spite of the "ahs'' and the "ohs'
| Of
Right under the eyes and the nose 0
The good folks whe visit st. Joseph
Those shameless young lads of 81
Joseph. -lChicago Times
SOUTHWEST.
Horse thieves and outlaws will rea
the following from the WelIingto