Litchfield enquirer., 1874-04-09
The Grange Exposed.
[BY ONE WHO HAS BEEN THERE

On being brought into the ante-room of the lodge (Greengrocer Grange, No. 1O1,) ) I was told that had been balloted for and accepted. My informant, who was securely masked by what I afterward learned was large burdock leaf, perfo- rated with holes for the eyes. told me that if valued my life 1t would be necessary for me to strip. As did consider that of considerable worth to me, and as he italicised his wishes by carelessly playing with seven-shooter, withdrew from my garments with eagerness. My masked friend then furnished me with the regalia of the first degree-enritled ''The Festive Ploughboy"-which consisted merely of one huge cabbage leaf attached to a waistband of potato vines. In this airy costume was conducted to the door, where my companion gave three distinct raps. q was securely blindfolded by binding slice of rutabaga over each eye. ) A sepulchral voice from within asked :: 'sWho comes s?'
 My guide answered.: "A youthful agricul- turist who desires to become a gran ger."
 Sepulchral voice-Have you looked him carefully over?"
 Guide-I have, noble gatekeeper
 s. V.-Do you find any agricultural marks about hls person?
 Guide-I do.
 s. V-What are they?
 Guide-The candidate has carroty hair, reddish whiskers, and turnup nose.
 $. V.-'Tis we'll. Why do you desire to become granger?
 Guide - Answering for candidate)- That may be thereby the better enabled to harrow up the feelings of the rascally politicians.
 s. V.-You will bring in the candidate. My worthy stripling, as you cannot see, l will cause you to feel that you are re- ceiyed at the door on the three points of a pitchfork, piercing the region of the stomach. which is to teach you the three great virtues-faith, hope and charity. Faith in yourself, hope for cheaper farm machinery, and charity for the lightning rod peddler. You will now be harnessed and be tested as to endurance and wind.
 The candidate is now attached to a small imitation plow, by means of hemp en harness. A dried pumpkin-vine is put in his mouth for bit and bridle-he is made to get down upon all fours, the guide seizes the bridle, and urged on by a granger armed with Canada thistle, which he vigorously applies at the termi- nus of the spine, the candidate is galloped three times around the room. While making the circuit the members arise and sing:
 Get ap and dust you bully boy
 Who wouldn't be grangerl
 If the thistle prick don't cause you joy
 To feelings you must be estranged, ah
 After this violent exercise he is rubbed dry with corn-cobs, and brought stand ing up before the great chief - the Most Worshipful Pumpkin Head.
 M. W. P. H.-Why do you desire to be a granger?
 Candidate-(Answering for himself)- That l may learn to extinguish sewing machine agents.
 M. W. P. H.-Have your hands been hardened with toll?
 Candidate-Not extensively, but then I am not running for office.
 M. W. P. H.-'Tis we'll, for our lodges contain several who are supposed to be ready to sacrifice themselves for the good of their constituents.
 M. W. P. H.-(Savagely)-Give me a chaw of tobacker
 Candidate searches himself thoroughly, but as there is no place about him to stick pocket, tries tn explain, but the Most Worshipful Pumpkin Head interrupts him with:
 ''Neyer mind my dear young friend-I am we'll aware that in your present condi- tion, you can no more furnish your friends with the weed than Adam conld be con- fortable in plug hat and tight boots. It is merely to teach you the great lesson of economy-doing to others as you'd like to have them do to you. You will now be conducted to the Most Eminent Squash Producer, who will teach you the grand hailing sign of distress. This sign, my worthy brother, will insure you against many of the ills of the agriculturist- among others, against drouths, and being bit by the ferocious grasshopper"
 The candidate is now conducted to the Most Eminent Squash Producer, who thus says:
 ''My worthy brother, will now invest you with the order of the Festive Plough boy, which you have we'll won by your heroic achievements while harnessed- may you ever wear it with pleasure to yourself, and may it be means of terror to your enemies"
 (The M. E. s. P. then proceeds to in- vest the candidate with the regalia of the Festive Plough-boy, which. consists of a long tomato necklaee.)
 '"The grand hailing sign of distress is made by gently closing the left eye, 1eav- ing the right forefnger alongside the nose, andsviolently wagging the ears. It requires practice, but the advantages are imense. It also has an important signifi- cation, which you will do well to heed. The closing of the eye signifies that in all your dealings with mankind you are bound to have an eye to business. Lay ing the finger alongside the nose is em- blematical of wisdom, and places you at once among the knowing ones. This is extremely handy in prognosticating new weather, and saves the wear and tear of almanacs. Wagging the ears signifies sublimity of purpose-and is thought to be emblematical of schildhood's sunny hours It is also supposed by some pro- found scholars to have a distinct reference to apple -dumpliugs, but this fact is some what obscured by the dust of ages. In token that yau are one of us, you will now be branded, This ceremony is very impressive and consists of two brands. They are both applied while the iron is hot and consist of one letter of the al- phabet each. The first is a large letter s, on which you will please sit while the other letter is applied to the stomach. The letter S, my worthy chicken, signi- fies scooped, and refers to railroad mo- nopolies. It is also supposed to indicate the seat of 1earning-the spot where the old-time teacher hunted for brains with the ferule. The second letter is c, and is applied as said before, to the stomach. First, the application is an agricultural one, ''corn-crib," |" and has reference to the stomach being the great receptacle for