South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-02-27
W.T. AND uUrIoR.

"A gentleman travelling a steamer, one day
at dinner IVES mstiug aTey with lArge pud-
ding close by. when be was told by a servant
that /, was dessert. "It matters not to me,
would eat il if il was a wilderness"
--Schoolmistress -'Johnny, ] am ashamed of
you. When | was your age, / could read as
well as do now" Johnny-'Ah but you'd
different teacher to what we've got"
"A Sunday school teacher, explaining the
first chapter of Genesis asked "Why did God
command them 10 leave the fruit of one tree ur-
touched? ?" A dead silence. At last a little girl
spoke up and said, "Please marin, think he
wanted them TO leave some for hampers 20
Said Mrs. j. returning from church, ''When
see the shawls Of those Johnsons, and then
think of what have to wear, if il was not for
the consultations Of Religion, don't know what
I would do'
Josh Billings divided the human race into
three classes Those who think il is so, those
who think it isn't so, and those who don't care
whether it is so or not.
"A little boy six years old was asked by his
teacher 10 write composition on the subject of
water, and the following is the production -
"Water is good drink, to swim in, and to skate
when frozen. have been told that Iniuns
don't wash themselves but once in ten years,
wish was an Ingun
"A gypsy woman promised TO show two
young ladies their husbands faces in pail of
water. They looked and exclaimed, "Wby we
see our own faces" "Well," said the gypsv,
"won't they be your husbands faces when you
are married "a
"A drunken lrishman was found by his
friends the other night lying in the snow with
his heels up on u fence, warming his toes bv
moonlight. lie was muttering "Whata cowld
fire ye have got, Biddy, darling have On some
cGrrysane or my futs will fraze"
-One Of the best puns made by the late
Phoebe Cary was this: "Why was Robinson
Crusoe's man Friday like rooster ?" "Bccause
he scratched for himself and Cru 500
What relation is bread to a sewing ma
chine The mother. Why the mother BE
cause bread is necessity, and a sewing-ma-
Their Of invention
When are eyes not eyes , When tie wind
makes them water
"A bright little girl not long since was urg-
ing her mother to go upstairs and hear her say
her prayers before retiring. Her mother, not
finding il convenient, told her that Jesus could
hear them just as well. "But, mother" re.
sponded the little doubter. Jesus can't turn
of the gas"
The latest new invention is rtfcial butter
We have long had manufactured milk, so we
may abolish the COW altogether They call this
new butter oleOmayyarne. Fancy a child crying
for piece of bread and oleomargarinei
CAUTION TO BALD-HEADED MEN.-Josh Billings
has an entirely bald head and it is related of
him that once, when he was at the Geological
Gardens in Paris, the day being warm, he lay
down upon one o! the benches and went TO sleep.
After awhile he was awakened by sense Of suf-
location, and when he opened his eyes he found
that something covered his face He began to
struggle to release himself and tho next moment
gigantic ostrich lOaped up and began to prance
down the path. The ostrich had observed the
top Of Joshs bald head, and, mistaking it for
one of its eggs, it had begun to sit upon it for
The purpose of Matching.
Many men have to keep their word, now
a-days, because nobody will take it.
The NICK OF TME.-A wrinkle
-"You are from the country, are you not
sir ~ asked a city clerk Of Quaker who had
just arrived. eyes" Dwell, here Is an essay
on the rearing Of calves THAT, said Amin
odab as be turned to CO. "thce had best pre-
sent to thy mother"
The door bell Of wealthy Jew in Philadel-
phia, who lives up town, was loudly rune tho
other day, and q man announced himself as the
lcug-absent brother Of the master Of the house
OF course the brothers were delighted at meet
ing, though their saluhtons were different
"Why Joseph, where on Garth did you come
from ~ said the dwell5r in - street "Why
Shaeupi is that stone in your shirt shenuiue
asked the a1ecuonatc wandcrer. After which
he not only inquired after the health of The diff
ierent members Of The family, but whethe. he
had my more jewels Of the same sort.
How MANy Cons "A little boy being asked
the question, GLOW many Gods arc there ?' re-
Piled zone" 'low DO you know thatT said
the friend. Because said the child ",bere
70 only room for one for lie fills heaven and
earth