The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1874-01-24
VARIETY.

japanese editors are allowed to carry swords
and common man has to take of his hat to them
RosTRUMs.-A waggish philanthropist suggest
rostrums in the Oeean-for whales to spout from
This Is a want long felt, he afhrms.
USITED.-in Detroit one-armed man and ,
0ne-armed woman have rushed into each other
arm and been united for life.
CoNFrsED.-Said a woman who tumbled out O
n third-st0ry window, .. When 1 first fell I wa.
confused, but when struck the pavement knew
where / was"
Only TwELyE.-Carl Yogt argues that Adam
was monkey before Eve-was created, because a
gorilla has thirteen ribs and man only twelve, one
having been removed to make woman.
As OFTES.-'' Now, tell me, Doolnn. truttfully.
how often do You so to chaPel2" Pat We'll,
now, shuro, Oil tell yer riv'rence the trut'
Faix, 60 as often as l can't avoid"
Coon DOCTREE.-General Custer listened 10 n
lecture IN Duluth ON how to save the Indians
lie said the doctrine was good for the inside Of
church, but no man could practice it ON the plains
and save his hair.
NEVER LACK.-TIose old sOakers never lack for
arguments. Lately one replied to n temperance
lecturer by the following poser: elf water rots
the soles of your boots, what effect must it have
on the coats Of your stomach?''
THEY NEVER CHANGE-"There is one thing
about babies" say late traveller; they never
change We have girls Of the period, men of the
world, but the baby is the same selEpossessed,
fearless, laughing yoraciOus little heather in all
ages, and in all Countries
WH,r a DHFEREScE.-IIow fast the time flies
when you are working against it-how slowly
when yon are working to I'LL it up. What diff
ference between trying to get your work done be-
fore your dinner hour, and trying to fill up the
hour before dinner without work.
4 Coop Hu.-A Pennsylvania clergyman has
made good hit by introducing - 'persOnals' - in
his prayers. For instance: Lord, have mercy
ON John Shanahan, who keeps a saloon near the
old red bridge. Either lay him a bed of sick
or have him removed from this town"
NEyER.-A young lady upbraided her admirer
for hIs hirtatiOns during long absence. Z" You
are too bad to be pardoned," she said, - but if
discard you | shall punish myself most, and so |
will ignore what Is past and enjoy your society
much as L can while L live, for when L die shall
never you any more am going to heaven.
Twice AS OLD.-An editor in a neighboring city
has been reading one of DIR. Halls - Health
Tracks" in which the doctor proves cOnclusvely
that married men live longer than bachelors.
This journalist says he don't know how it is, for
be has been married three times, and yet he knows
bald-headed bachelor who is twice old as he is.
good mother was trying to explain to young
hopeful the other day about fighting against the
devil. After telling the little fellow who the
resist, he turned round and said: 80 Mamma, I'd
be scared Of the old devil, but if l was to come
across one Of his little devils I'd knock the stuff
ing out of him.
.WOMAN's WEAKNEssEs.-A cOOred philosopher
thus unburdeued himself on one of woman's
weaknesses: Jim, de men don't make such
fools of demselyes about women as dc women do
about men. Ii women looks at de moon, dey see
n man in it. IL dey hear n mouse nibbling, it's
n man and dey all look under dc bed de first
thing ut night to find Why, l nebber
look under my bed to find woman; does yOu?"
WHICH "A Maine student held the following
c0llOduy with the professor of chemistry the other
day: . How do you account" asked the pro-
fessor for the fact that snow doesn't melt the
tops Of the mountains p - think it is because
there are no clouds above them" That is your
theory, Is it2'' Yes sir Well, sir, will
YOU inform US how the snow came there, in the
first place; did 1t come down or 90 up?" The
student is still rejecting
His BUsINEss.-As a spiritual seance the other
dav, saws the Reese Rirer RcrGHe, we heard
scsdv-I65king individual d.scJursing 70 Il friend on
his relations in the States: why said he,
d. the old mans rich; the old wOman's got soap
I'm her own right, and every dOOr-burned one Of
nv sisters and brothers, aunts, uncles and Cousins
are lust lousy with coin. II I'd 90 home,
wouldn't have to do ne'er = lick Of work the
green earth-just lay back and take things easy;
bet yer life We asked 4 friend ut our elbow
what business the speaker was engaged IN, think
iuy he mighs.be some wealthy Eucher, and the
answer was - Herding horses for his grub
- .sHr,mUG The word - humbug" said
DeOuincy, rests upon a very rich and e5mprehen-
sive basis: it cannot be rendered adequately
either by German or by Greek, the two richest Of
human languages ItsOrign, however, Is wrapped
in doubt the stories concerning it being vague
and uncertain. The following is regarded rs the
most trustworthy: At one time there was war
between Germany and Austria, and constantly
the widest and incredible stories concerning the
victory OF defeat Of the German would be
spread, entirely without truth. They were all
traced to Hamburg; 30, whenever anything WAS
announced, men would say: cob that Is 4
So Hamburg" and finally /" humbug."
4 man about 40 years old and 4 woman seem
ingIy 20 years of age were at the Detroit and
Milwaukee station yesterday, waiting FOR a train,
sight Of one Of the city life preservers hanging to
its hook He asked what 1t was and a iabOrer
told him and then he asked. How long will it
preserve a fellows life ?' The man told him Il
hundred years. and the information staggered the
stranger. Walking around a few minutes as il
meditating, ne stepped to his informant and said
''See here stranger I'll take of one of them pre-
servers, and if it wouldn't be askin too much OF
you, I'd like to have you tell the old woman in
there that you haven't another one for sale, and
that the machine which made 'em has busted. :.
Il Detroit Free Press.