Whig and tribune. [volume] (Jackson, Tenn.) 1870-1877, 1874-05-02

. | green, like the French high art paini
ings that one sees at the annual e1
positions. Moreover, those pots c
Jam were exactly Id cheaper eac
than could be got IN any other sho
IN London that / knew of. Now,
: confess it, if have one greater weak
ness than another, il is q weakness
for Jam, and I rather hatter mysel
5 upon having preserved intact that un
; sophisticated taste of childhood. Tn
! labels were so pretty I felt sure tn
Jam must be something "scrump
r tiOus," so in I walked and Ordere(
home a goOdly batch. Arrived a
home, hastened to brag of my luck,
find, but alasi my triumph was short
lived. One pot after another wa
. opened, and proved TO be nothing but
a cOngl0meratiOn of stalks, leaves
y and nondescript debris. In vulgal
parlance / had been done. Wei, as
\ 1 chose my Jam, so do you choose
J your partners, yOur "muhiRs, yOul
husbands, by their exteriOrs, and
! when, having made your bargains
you are quietly repenting them, the
! only consolation l can see for you Is
this, matrimony-like affiietion, was
meant as wholesome discipline, and
as 1t is the best people who are always
plagued the most Of this life, so II Is
THE BETTER HALF OF HU1IASrrY-
we ,women-who bring the most
trouble on ourselves by our imprudent
choices; for what does a nan elre
when he marries an uncongenial VIE?
i Why, he can 60 and live 49, Sub.
or lock her up In her room, or cut OF
her pin money, or thump her with
the poker, use hundred measures,
in fact, to bring her to reason, which
a wife cannot use; and yet by some
inscrutable arrangements of Provi-
dence, it is the women who long to
be married, who dress to be married,
who dance to be married, who sing
and play the harp to be married, who
| pinch up their feet and enlarge their
entablatures of false hair to be mar
ried, who suffer indescribable tor
lures at the hands of dancing-master
dress-maker, and coiffeur to be mar
ried, who learn poetry that they don't
understand, read newspaper articles
that bore them to death, and cultivate
their minds generally to be married,
who tell fibs about their likings and
dishkings, and pretend to be amused
and interested with men they are talk
ing to when they aren't bit. to be
married-nay, who will positively,
when they meet q man whose ideas
lie in that direction, learn how to
make an omelette aud hem q pocket
handkerchief, to be married (but this
is the ne Plus ultra OF feminine hero
ism,) and, then, when after all this
slavery, they have become Madame
this or Mrs. that, why, if the beast
will remain a beast, though he is
married to beauty, the world saws, and
l say too, serve them right Woe to
the successful! Nobody has any pity
on their misfOrtunes. The pinino
spinsters left%out. in the cold feel
tremor of delight run through their
unannexed, hearts as the distant
sounds of conjugal squabbling are
waited to their ears. Do 1 not re-
member to this day the scarcely dis
guised pleasure of a whole school of
girls, when a detested schoolmate, |
Who had carried off the chief prize for
good conduct magnificently bound |
volume OF Bunyan's ''Pilgrim's Pro-
gress"-accidentally upset a large
bottle of ink over it five minutes af- |
forwards! And when a young lady |
carries off the reward of merit accord |
ing to Miss Edgeworth) in the shape |
of the Prince CharnPant, with hotel /
in the Champe Elysees, or a mansion |
in May Fair, do we net throng around |
her and congratulate her, and send /
her cheap presents, and eat lobster |
salad at her wedding breakfast, and |
wish her all sorts of happiness, and |
hate her cordially, and smirk amongst |
ourselves when the Prince Charmant's |
relatives turn her the cold shoulder. |
or when the Prince Charmant himself |
appears at Biarritz in the triumphal |
procession of Madame de MarqIise |
Blanc de Perle, having first deposited /
his six moRths' bride safely in some /
exceedingly dull country house, where |
she can spend her time making smo- |
king-caps for him, and meditating on |
his perfections and the sweets of mat |
rimony, if she likes? Is she not mar
ried? What right has she to COM !
plain? Has she not climbed the |
CREASED pole? 1t may be disagreeable |
enough and periIous enough, now she |
is up there; but she must put a good |
face on the matter, and look as if her |
uncomfortable perch were
THE sOFTEsT OF LOvE-NEsTs.
'Let US make believe we are horses or
lions, or kings and queens, and grown
up people," the children say; well, |
life is one grand game of make-believe. |
Do you see those two people in the |
corner, who appear so unusually in
terested in each other? Do you think /
they care snap for one another?-
Bah! they are making believe to be
flirting, so as to attract notice and
excite the envy of those who are not
sufficiently lucky to have also a spicy
little Irritation on hand. Make-be-
heve to be happy, Madame-don't
Gagged birds sing the loudest, like SEN
sible creatures as they are? Learn a
lesson from them; always say that you
are the most fortunate of wives, that
you have got the best of husbands,
and let not thy right foot know where
the shoe on thy left foot pinches.
Well, you must marry; YOU must
walk the plank, or stand in the pillory
of old maidism all your life. And OF. J
that yo-1 20 sssv Nl5 Nl.. ;spT ,S,,rseisT 4
August next
We are authorized TO announce JAMES L
, NEELY as a candidate for Tax Collector o
2 Madison County. Election lst Thursday 1
August next
> We are authorized to announce p. ID. W
I | CONGER as a candidate for Tax Collector 9
I | Madison county. Election lst Thursday :
| August next.
We are authorized 10 announce 4. S. RoG2
4 Esn as candidate lar T. sa-sA~-,t@.s>s-f-eN
- a Csn oII any imaginable subject,
or you viii be an old maid;" Don't
talk as if you had the
SMALLEST Professions TO BRAINS,
or YOU Will be an old maid;" ''Don't
wear boots that YOU can walk in. or
corsages that you can breathe In, or
You will be an old maid;" Don't
waste your time couversing with an
ineligible, or n married man, or a
lady, or you will be an old maid;"
Don't eat more than the twentieth
part of a snipe's wing, and the fourth
part of a green pea, or you viii be an
old maid;'' Don't wear your own
hair, or speak in your own tone of
voice, or laugh Your own laugh, or be
satisfied with the figure and complex
ion nature gave you, or retain your
own natural manners, or do anything
natural, or be yourself IN any way, or
you will be an old maid;" Don't say
that you hate cigar smoke, though it
does give you a sore throat, and sore
eyes, and a headache, or you will be
an old maid;" "And don't, for rmercy's
sake, correct the man you are talking
to when he tells yOu that Nelson was
a friend of Peter the Great, or that he
has never read Tennyson's Princess
because he does not like the poetry
TennysOn wrote in his capacity of
poet-laureate, or you viii infalhbly
be an old maid" This is what rings
in your pretty ears all your youthful
days; like the Wild Huntsman, you
are ever flying before phantom ter
rors; only in