The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1874-03-17


CB- "The lilacs are budding" says
Wisconsin editor. "You lilac Satan,"
responds one of the readers. "You violet
truth" politely replied the editor, and both
are given over to blue devils.
EB- A gentleman asked little girl what
it was that made person feel so when
another tickles him.
al suppose it's a laugh creeping over
him." was the reply.
CSg- " What's dis Credit More Biler dat
de newspapers maxim such fuss about ?'
inquired one darky of another. Dunno"
replied the other, "but s'pose de gov'-
ment buildin' steamships, and wants credit
for more bilers dan dey can get"
GB- Said Lord John Russell to Hume at
social dinner, "What do you consider the
object of legislationP" "The greatest
good to the greatest number" "What
do you consider the greatest numberP"
continued his Lordship. "Number one,
my Lord" was the commoner's reply.
| T9y- A certain farmer, having company
at dinner, was ambitious to make it appear
that he was somebody. Addressing his
boy, he said Have you driven those
sheep in % "Yes, sir" care you sure
you drove them all in" eyes, sir saw
him jump over the bars" He had but one.
GY- The epitaphs of Dakota papers are
most pathetic Jim Barrett had been
shovelling snow, from which he caught
bad cold which turned into fever. The
fever settled Jim's mundane affairs and
local paper says, most affectingly, in his
obituary, "He won't have to shovel snow
in the country he has gone to-"
Nsg- A dealer in horse-hesh sold to gen.
tleman of little experience in such matters
a steed as perfectly without fault" Next
day the buyer came back in great fury, be-
cause his groom found out that the alleged
"faultless horse" was blind in the right
eye. "Why," replied the sly dealer, "that
is not the horse's fault; it is only his mis-
fortune"
CT5- A noted hunter of South Hero fears
that he has been the victim of SELL"
He has gun that scatters shot badly, so
that it is not of much account. Sometime
ago he saw an advertisement in city
paper, offering to send information whereby
such scattering of shot could be eventually
prevented, on receipt of fifty cents. He
sent the money and in due time was in
formed that to prevent his gun from "scat-
tering'' he should "put in only one shot,
or use bullet"
E5S- A Paris journal tells the story of a
begger who presented himself regular at a
certain coffee house with clarionet under
his arm. "Will you allow me, gentlemen"
said he, in humble tone of voice, "to
play tune? am only an amateur, and if
you will give me few coppers will spare
you the annoyance of listening to me-"
Every one felt at once for few stray cop
pers, and the musician departed with a
profound obesiance. This he repeated
several eveningsin succession. At last, one
evening, a young man asked him in
friendly manner to give them tune, good
or bad. "But am afraid, sir, shall dis
appoint you" "Never mind that, give us
tune" "But am poor player, and
l have a very poor instrument" "No mat
ter for that want to hear you" "Well,
sir, since you insist upon it," said the poor
man, "I will tell you that don't play"
rB- While travelling in the South few
weeks siuee was amused at the following
incident:
On board the train was colored family,
consisting of father, mother, and three
children. The two eldest ranged from flf-
teen to seventeen, the youngest about
eight. The two elder were black as an
epitome of midnight, The youngest was of
the brightest saddle-color. An old gentle
man Of inquiring mind asked the mother
whose children they were.
" Dey's mine" answered the old Dinah.
"What, all threeP" queried the old gent
/" Course dey is" said Dinah.
"Well, who is their father9" asked the
old gent.
Dere is dere fader dat's my old man."
said aunt Dinah pointing to an old grey
haired and decrepit darkey sitting near.
"Why," said the old gent, "you don't
pretend to tell me that he is the father of
all three P''
"Course he is de fader OBJ all free; he is
my old man, he is, " said Dinah, somewhat
impatiently
Well, now," said the old gent, "iust