The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1874-09-05
VARIETY.

Senator Nesmith OF Oregon gave the mule a
very clear and unique status when he alluded to
it "A g one Of those useful animals that has no
pride Of ancestry and no hope of reward"
Landlady (fercely)-You mustn't occupy that
bed with your boots on, sir Boarder-Never
mind, they're old ones; | guess the bed-bugs
won't burt them much. III risk it, anyhow.
Troy cremationist asks would it be unpleas-
ant to receive a dispatch something like this
some day d" Dear MOther-Willam died to-day.
Ashes by mail. Yours, in sorrow, John Smith. I"
Coon DEFINITIoNs.-A schOol-boy spelled
az sOb," and when asked to define it, blundered
out - It means when n fellow don't want to
cry, and it bursts out itself.'' Another defined
a comma 50 4 period with tail"
HIS ANswER.-A teacher in Nevada, after
telling her pupils that large waterfall was
" cataract, - :" Now" said she, " what is little
waterfall ?'' Kittyraet," blurted out the tow
headed youngster who sat chewing the corner of
his primer on the front seat.
ALL N YAIN.-Four doctors tackled Johnny
They bIisIered and they bIed him;
With squils ard anti-biIioUs pills
And ipeeae they led him
They stirred TIRE q him 6 up wi win heal eal0mel
But all in vain; his little soul
Was waited DER the river
WuI-ASswERED.-ss Did not give you a fog
ging the other day p said schoolmaster TO
trembling boy. - Yes, SIR" answered the boy.
a. Well, what does the Scriptures say upon the
subject" % don't know, SIR said the other,
- except it is IN the passage which says: 1t is
more blessed to give than 20 re0eiVe.'"
The latest phase Of the cremation discussion is
20 settle the place where preacher is to read the
burial service. Is he to stand on top OF the
chimney and address the smoke, or stand in front
of the fireplace as he pronounces the solemn
words, - Ashes to ashes? ?' IL is singular, how
ever, that with all the talk about cremation, not
H. .zEfb 10 hou uv1ak haar,
self-sacrI6cing enough to die and have himself
cremated.
Two ST. Louis editors are disputing as to which
Of them is the 80 oldest Citizen One of them
saws in answering the other: 81 The writer
referred TO living in Missouri, while yet the
editor Of the Dispatch was boring gimlet holes
for wheat culture the granite hills or the pater
nal New Hampshire farm, ere his silvery voice
had WOoed a rural congregation 10 siumber while
he preached SwedenbOrgianism TO lost and
ruined world, and ere he soaked his clothes in
butternut 10 more ftly qualify himself for the
edItOr-ship of Democratic organ IN Dubuque"
A PtoUs PIANIsr-Sufferers, whose unhappy
lot in life il has been to live next door to mus
ical family, will appreciate story that IS told OF
Won BulOw, the eminent German pianist. An
aspiring genius had been sent to him to receive
some lessons in music. On the youths return
home he was asked his opinion Of the master.
Well" said he - he is great teacher. and
the most pious man l ever saw I" How do you
make that out1'' - Why, all the time 1 was
playing, he would repeat, Good Lord, what sin
have committed 10 deserve this punishment.
The other day a Justice of Peace at Nevada
City held an inquest n dead Chinaman, and
the jury returned verdict that the man was IN
disputably defunct, and would be less offensive
under ground His Obsequies accordingly
set for the next day. The Justice, however, neg
lected the simple pTecautiOn of driving stake
through the body to keep it where it was, and
during the night the river rose and carried II on.
The Justice is very much grieyed at the incident,
and says, with moist eye. - Ef I'd a knOw'd
the river agoin to get 1t, I'D agiven IT to my
staryen hogs. | hate ter see anything wasted.
The following plan has been propounded for
siIencing that worst Of social bores, the aneedote
monger :-CrOss-examine him on all the salient
points OF the anecdOte. Demand the why, the
how, and the when. Suggest that some other
course than the one pursued ought certainly to
have been taken and sift the affair if you were
the sternest historical critic If the reater and
his friend Fred Cooper were thrown out Of the
dOg-cart, inquire whether they we're driving a
horse a mare, ask who made the dOg-cart, and
what was the height of the wheels. Request him
20 draw plan Of the spot which the upset oc
CURED, and be particular in your curiosity as to
the harness and the weather.
2 Stage drivers and sailors are privileged class
as far as yarns are concerned, and whether on
the cOaeh-bOx, or leaning over the bows of a
becalmed vessel, their flights OF Imagination are
listened to with pleasure The following ro-
nance Is fathcred by stage driver in San Diego
county AID nobody can doubt his liabilities
During a conversation on the vegetable wealth Of
California, Jehu detailed the following TO the
wonder Of his hearers: - There Is, said he,
50 this year n crop Of wheat in San Diego county
the stems of which average % feet high, each
trunk bearing four ears, each two feet long and
fully eorned. The trunks are 50 thick that axes
had TO be used to fell them, in the same manner
as ON tres, One of his audience remarked it
must be rather rich soil there-abOuts. - Yes, y
repIied this Truthful Jeemes close to the wheat
piece Of hay was raised, and the crop was so
heavy, a part had to be spread on fresh ground
before it could be properly stacked. "