Buchanan County bulletin. [volume] (Independence, Iowa) 1869-1891, 1874-02-06
AoRICULTURE A FRAUD.
Original View.

The basest fraud Of earth is agri.
culture. The deadliest ignis .fatuus
that ever glittered to beguile, and
dazzle to betray, is agriculture. l
speak with feeling on this subject,
for I've been glittered and beguiled
and dazzled and destroyed by this
same arch deceiver.
She has made me q thousand
promises and broken every ono of
them.
She has promised me early pota-
toes, and the rain has drowned them;
late potatoes and the drought has
withered them.
She has promised me summer
squashes but the worms have eaten
them; winter squashes and the bugs
have devoured them.
She has promised cherries and
the curculio has stung them, and
they contain living things, income
ly to the eye and unsavory to the
taste.
She has promised straw berries,
and the young chickens have de. our
ed them, and the eye cannot see
them.
She has promised tomatoes, and
the old hens have encompassed
them, and the hand cannot reach
them.
No wonder Cain killed his broth.
er. He was tiller of the ground.
The wonder is that he didn't kill
his father, and then weep because
he hadn't grandfather to kill. No
doubt his Early Rose potatoes, for
which he paid Adam 81 q barrel,
had been cut down by bugs, from
the head-waters of the Euphrates.
His Pennsylvania wheat had been
winter-killed and wasn't worth cut
ting. His Norway oats had gone
to straw, and would not yield five
pecks per acre, and his black Span
ish watermelons had been stolen by
the boys, who had pulled up the
vines, broken down his patent pick
ct fence, and written scurillous dog.
gerel all over his back gate. No
wonder he felt bad when he saw
Abel whistling along with his fine
French merinoes, worth IS q head,
and wool going up every day. No
wonder he wanted to kill somebody
and thought he would practice on
Abel.
And Noah's getting drunk was
not at all surprising. He had be-
come husbandmap. He had
thrown away magnificent opportu
mites. He might have had q mo-
nopoly ofany profession or business.
Had he studied medicine there
would not haye been another doc
tor within thousand miles to call
him "Quack;" and every family
would have bought bottle of "No.
abs Compound Extract of Gopher
Wood and Anti-Deluge Syrup" As
a politician no might have carried
his own ward solid, and controlled
two-thirds of the delegates in every
convention. As lawyer, he would
have been retained in every case
tried at the Ararat Quarter Sessions
or the old Ark High Court of Ad-
miralty. But he threw away all
these advantages and took to agri.
culture. For long time the soil
was SO wet he could raise nothing
but sweet flag and bullrushes, and
these at last became drug in the
market. What wonder that when
at last he did get half o peck of
grapes that were not stung to death
by Japhet's honey bees, he should
have made wine and drowned his
sorrows in SLOWING bowl"
The fact is, agriculture would de-
moralize saint. l was almost S
saint when 1 went into it. I'm
demon now. I'm at war with ev-
erything. l fight myself out Of bed
at four o'clock, when all my better
nature tells me to lie still till seven.
l fight myself into the garden to
work like brute, when reason and
instinct tell me to stay in the house
and enjoy myself like q man. l
fight the pigs and chickens, the
moles and birds, the bugs and
worms-cverything in which is the
breath of life. l fight the docks
and burdocks, the mulleins, the this
ties, the grapes, the weeds, the roots
the whole of the vegetable king.
dom. 1 fight the heat, the frost,
the rain, the hail-in short, l fight
the universe and get whipped in ev-
cry battle. l have no more admira-
ton to waste on tho father of George
Washington for forgiving the dc.
struction Of his cherry tree. A
cherry tree is only a curculio nur-
sery and the grandfather Of his
country knew it. l have had doz-
en- cherry trees, and the day my
George Washington is six years
old, I'll give him a Ratchet and tell
him to down with every cherry tree
on the place.