The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-05-08

Then TO the prfZe-ring, where you write
Sickentng details Of bloody fight
Back to the city, just In time
To report the sermon Of some divine;
Steamboat collision, smaah-up Of trains,
Election return to bother your brains;
AgenfB dramatic, with lonR-winded story,
To write up his star to theatrical glory.
Deaths ana marriages, murders, rows,
Balls and parties, minstrel shows,
Stock ePeculations, bubbles OF air,
| Tossed shout by bull and bear;
Pratslng the limb in the dancers pose,
And next the calves in the cattle shows !;
Pencil in hand at the racing course.
Taking the time Of = trotting horse;
Jotting down each stroke and catch
Made in famous baseball match;
Now Of = street row taking note
And then Of 9 row In college beat.
| These are few Of the many things
At which the tireless pencil swings.
| Two heads are better than one
Especially in barrel.
| A Chicago minister is affection
| ately advertised az beng "out of
a job"
| A New York dentist gives a
premium chrome for every tooth
he draws.
| Alonzo Dante Arnold Butler is
the name of an Illinois poet of
the crusade.
The Brooklyn Argus is of opin-
ion that a kind word will always
go further than q fiat-iron.
Advertisements printed in Chi
nese characters are beginning to
appear in the California papers.
The editor of the New Berlin
Gazette wants to trade his Mid
land railroad stock for an old set
ting hen.
A Western paper announces the
death of lady celebrated for the
"purity Of her character and COM
plexion."
D, bother cremation! We have
to earn our living-and we don't
want to be compelled to urn our
dead.
A Connecticut horse thief swap
ped q fine animal for a couple of
copper watches. No inflated cur
rency for him.
A man writing POLITICALLY of the
weather says: "The backbone of
winter is broken, but its tail wags
yet occasionally"
The New Orleans crusaders an
nounce that ''the horn of the I'M
cody shall be put down." That
is where horns are generally put.
A custom-house man writes that
he has heard ladies of refinement,
wealth, position and education lie
a customs officer out of counte-
nance.
The Ohio legislature has intro
duced a bill fixing fine of from
five to fifty dollars for pointing
any kind of firearms at a person,
loaded or "unloaded."
Butler will be fifty-six years old
next November. The proposal to
make the anniversary of his birth
q day of national fasting and
prayer cxcites much enthusiasm.
Inscription on a tombstone in
Columbia, Tenn: Escaped the
bullets of the enemy to be assas-
sinated by a cowardly pup-a
kind husband, an affectionate ia
| ther."
You can get i good bonnet in
Paris for from twenty-five to thir-
ty-five dollars. Boston Post.
What does q nightcap cost?-Mi-
ner's Journal. About a franc q
glass.
A Chicago gentleman who re-
Gently travelled through Ohio says
that everybody he met called po-
tatoes caters" except one young
lady, who called him 'small per-
later"
"You must be q Quarrelsome
fellow" said phrenologist to a
man whose bumps he was exam
lining. "Say that again and I'll
knock you down." was the re-
spouse.
If the cause OF the redness of a
certain Chicago deacon's nose
were only discovered, "a very impor-
tant theological question in that
city would be at once disposed of.
An English judge, Baron Alder
son, On being asked to give his
opinion as to the proper length OF
a sermon, replied, "Twenty min
utes, with q leaning to the side OF
mercy"
An exchange asks: ais there
anything that man cannot dor,
To which DIR. Wood, of the Glas.
Cow, KY, Times, replies: eyes
sir; We have never known one
suckle baby
Sixteen years ago Tom Kenyon
went to Kansas City with a cent
and the other day he signed a
check for sixteen thousand dol
lars. He signed with another
mans name, however.
The Chicago Tribune prints 6
poem in which the writer wishe!
that she had ga heart full of sweet
yearlings." How the prosecuted
author must have yearred to fun
BILE among that compositors hair
Twenty-one freshmen were late
ly suspended from an English col
lege because q professor couldn'
find out who placed a ten-ounc'
tack in his chair. He, however
knew all about who sat down on il
: Kansas judges are either yer.
r generous or else they have lIttl
] dignity. One of them was calle'
J. "Old Skillet-legs' by q lawyer, ant
e he only imposed q fine of sevel
i shillings for the contempt of court
A little boy, carrying HON
: some eggs from the grocery, drop
u ped them. Did you break any?
asked his mother. when he toll
/ her of it. NO." said the littl
fellow, shut the shells came o
~ some of 'em."
n Victor Hugo is deeply in Low
n with the United States, and on
# minute out of every hour, whe
Is he is awake, is devoted to talkin
e about this country, the other fiftS
,e nine minutes being devoted
n talk about himself.
" A gentleman was compliment
J. ing . pretty young lady in Il
'e presence of his wife. It's luck
D. 1 did not meet Miss Hopkins b
N fore I married you, my dear
l. "Well, yes, it is extremely-f'
ne her" was the dry rejoinder.
er
IT, The ruling passion strong
idan0er-Au alarm Of fra was. 81