The Redwood gazette. [volume] (Redwood Falls, Minn.) 1873-1940, 1874-11-19
John Cain.


John Cain.
THE TALE OF DEFEATED CANDIDATE.
John Cain was a quiet, unobtrusive
citizen. He didn't long for fame and re-
nown, and he didn't care two cents
whether this great and glorious country
was ruled by one-horse Republican or
twO-horse Democrat.
He had pew in church, gave sixteen
ounces for pound, and when man
looked him square in the eyes Mr.. Cain
never took a back seat. He was home
at reasonable hour in the evening,
never took part in the discussion els
lager healthy" and many man wished
that his life rolled on as evenly and
peacefully as John Gains.
But, alas! the tempter came In an
evil hour John Cain allowed the politi-
clans to get after him and to surround
him. They said he was the strongest
man in the county; that he could scoop
out of his boots any man set up in opposi-
ton; that his virtues were many and his
faults 10000; that it was his duty to come
out and take a nomination in order that
this pure and incorraptible form of gov
eminent be maintained pure and incor-
ruptiblc. All this and much more they
told him, and John Cain became pulled up.
1t surprised him some to think that he
had held his peaceful way along for
forty-odd years, like a knot-hole in
barn door, without anyone having dis
covered what a heap of fellow he was,
but he concluded that there was Il new
era in politics and that it was all right.
The politicians covered John Cain with
soft soap. They told him that the can
vass shouldn't cost him red, and that he
could still retire at eight o'clock every
evening and rest assured that his inter-
ests would bc properly cared for. 1t was
to be still hunt-a very quiet election
and he would hardly know what was
going on. John was an honest, unsus-
pecting idiot, and he swallowed their
worms as the contiding fish absorbs the
baitcd hook.
John Cain was duly nominated and the
band came out and screnaded him. With
the band came several hundred electors,
who filled the Cain mansion to overflow
ing, spit tobacco all over the house, ate
and drank all they could find, broke
down the gate, and went off with three
cheers for John Cain.
Before the canvass was ten days old
half dozen men called on Cain and
gently limited to him that he must come
down with the "sugar." He didn't even
know what sugar" was until they ex-
planned. They wanted money to raise
pole, to buy beer, to get slips printed,
and to do fifty other things with, all for
his particular benefit, and he had to hand
out money.
In the course of another week they
drew Cain out to make a speech at a
ward meeting. He tried to claw off, but
they told him that the opposing candi-
date would run him out of sight if he
didn't come out, and he went out. When
he got through speaking the crowd drank
at his expense, and Mr.. Cain was aston
| ished at the way the liquor went down
and more astonished at the way the bill
went up. lie didn't reach home until
midnight and for the first time in his life
he was going to bed with his boots on
His wife wouldn't speak to him, the hired
girl left the house to save her character
and John Cain wished that the politicians
had let him alone.
More men came and crooked their
fingers at him and whispered "sugar"
They wanted money to buy some doubt
full votes and to hire fOur.hOrse teams
and to mail his slips, and he had to come
down. He hesitated about it, but they
told him that the opposing candidate felt
sure of victory and that acted as spur
There was hardly night that from
fourteen to two hundred and forty
friends did not call on Mr.. Cain to in
| form him as to the prospects" They
drank up the currant wine Mrs. Cain had
laid up for sickness, emptied Ter pre-
serve jars, and there wasn't morning
that she couldn't sweep out forty or fifty
cigar stubs and peck of mud. They
all told Cain that he would beat the
other man so far out of sight that it
would take carrier pigeon to find him,
and he couldn't very we'll refuse to 60
over to the corner grocery and "set 'em
up" for the boys.
The crisis finally came On the eve of
election Mr.. Gains friends called for
sugar" again, and he had to sugar 'em.
A big crowd called to warn him that he
would certainly be elected and the sa-
loon bill was twenty-eight dollars more.
Thirteen or fourteen men shook hands
with his wife, hundred or more shook
hands with him, and he had to get up
and declare that he didn't favor women's
rights and that he did; that he was down
on whisky and yet loved it as beverage;
that he wanted the currency inflated and
yet favored specie payments; that he
favored the Civil-Rights bill and yet
didn't, and in his brief speech Mrs. Cain
counted twenty-seven straight lies be-
hold popular views and he had to be on
all sides at once.
On the day of election they dragged
him from poll to poll, stopping at all the
saloons on the way. He had to make
256, COO promises, pull his wallet until it
was as flat as wafer, drink lager with
some and cold water with others, and
when night came he went home and tried
to hug the hired girl, called Mrs. Cain
his dear old rhinoceros, and fell over the
cradle and went to sleep with his head
under the stove.
When Mr.. Cain arose in the morning
and became sober enough to read the
election returns he found he had scooped
'em as follows:
Opposing candidate. ...:................36,4 $500
John Cain. 81 $50
Gains majority Gn horny ............... 500
Mr.. Cain went out and sat down under
an apple tree in his back yard, and he
gave himself up to reflections and so
forth. Through the leatless branches
sighed the November winds, and in
the house sighed Mrs. Cain. and both
signs murmured gently in his ear:
"John Gains perpendicular IDIOT
Z" II. Qudd," IN Detroit Free Press.
( A gentleman can stand it to hear a
couple of ladies discuss the fashions for
three or four hours at time, but if he
tarries much longer than that he gets jet
galloons and cuirass basques most horri-
bly, mixed up with shell jabots on Wat
teau folds, and begins to feel that if he
doesn't get out into the fresh air pretty
soon he'll die.-Mtner's Journal.
If the old man will insist on taking a
smoke after going to bed at night, the
sooner the house is insured for twice