The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1874-10-31


So may kn1-
The agony % tears caused o. h9S
a CRYING SHAME.-Our neighbor's young one
All At OScE.-When a devoted wife holds heI
husband out at length by his sore ear, and says
she wOuldn't crush a worm, he realizes, all al
once, how fearfully and wonderfully women are
made =,
HER EGHTH.-A Wisconsin woman who re-
Gently buried her eighth husband has received an
offer Of i've hundred dollars to remove into some
other State.
A % three-card-mOnte' expert is reported to
have offered the directors Of the Union Pacific
Railroad a bonus Of $4,000 per anuum for the
exclusive right to play his little game in their
sleeping cars
An amiable citizen Of Burlington called 10 see
another, who was dangerously III. Attracted by
festive pair Of boots in the room Of the invalid,
the visitor tried them on, when, turning to the
sick man with much sympathy, he remarked,
'SuppOsing the worst to happen, III take these
boots"
DABOLICAL.-The most diabolical pun ever in
vented was perpetrated by very harmless sort Of
person, the other evening. When Mr.. Soberleigh
read that father in the West had chopped his
only son in two, he innOcently remarked that he
didn't think they ought to arrest a man for sim
ply parting his heir in the middle"
Il
important words. The following is a case in
point The books Ofa Sunday School library con-
nected with Baptist Church in Damariseotta
are embeIIshed with libels bearing the following
legend; Number-,Dam Baptist Sunday
School,
The PIsTOL IN TExAs--Brief colloquy in Texas
between n tourist and native: h" My friend why
is it everybody in this country thinks it necessary
to carry two revolVers?' Z" Well, stran-
ger" said the Texan, 80 you might travel around
here good long time and not want a weepon,
but when you do want pistol in this country
you want it all fred bad"
A Columbus clergyman who, while preaching
a sermon Sunday evening, perceived q man and
woman under the gallery IN the act of kissing
each other behind hymn-book, did not lose his
temper. No he remained calm. He beamed
mildly at the offenders over his spectacles, and,
when the young man had kissed her the fifteenth
time, he mere broke bis sermon short of in the
middle of 50 thirdly" and offered fervent prayer
in behalf of 80 the young man in the pink neck-tie
and the maiden in the blue bonnet and gray
shawl, who were prolaning the sanctuary by kiss
ing one and another in pew 7S." And the con-
gregatiOn said 81 Amen" Then the woman pull
ed her veil down and the young man sat there
and swore softly to himself. He does not 60 to
church as much now as he did.
/ fell in love with a fat girl once. loved
madIy, because was loving four hundred pounds
OF a girl. She was amiable, tender r-hearted, good
natured and tue, and think she loved me. We
were to be married in the Fall, and should pro-
bably have been one Of the happiest Of husbands
when an accident dashed my prospects She fell
overheard just We were about to leave the
wharf on a steamboat excursion. Three or four
sailors plunged after her, and they got gang
plank under her, cable around her waist and
towed her to the wharf. They then rigged q
derrick and lifted her out by sections, but they
were 50 long at it that she took severe cold and
the result was death. There were months and
months after that could not pass load Of hay
without thinking Of my lost Amanda, and she'd
ding tears; and even to this day, never see an
elephant OF rhinocerOs without her dear Visage
rising up before me-
A paper in Dakota Territory, Elk Horn Clean
sT. relates the following story Of a fellow who
~oismnly pledged himself not TO drink drop OF
Ii0uor either inside outside Of n house for two
wears Soon afterward be passed n saloon where
three of his former boon companions were taking
their drop in comfort and he could not help stop
ping and casting mournful look Of longing
within One Of them spied him and invited him
20 ioin them. - oh, no, wish could, but We
sworn not to take drop either inside or outside
of a house for two years" "Oh," says one,
- YOU can have one drink for all that, well lift
YOU of the threshold and you can drink half in
side the house and half out 80 one took bold
Of each leg and thus they raised him up, while
one long drink and was just drawing breath for
another when one OF his supporters shifted
little. and he shouted, " o hold me even, boys,
my souls in your hands
oIr ALL CoUSTs CP."-There was an old
eoupIe at the Central depot yesterday waiting to
90 through to the West, and they seemed loving
enough until the old man went out and returned
smoking n fve-cent cigar and with his hat slant
ms, over his left ear The wife looked at him
twice before she could recognize him, and then
oueued her mouth and said: '' w hate tell ye,
PbiIetus Remington, before we left New Jersey?
Didn't I saw you'd 20 and make n fool Of your
seIf the first chance you got?" He tried to pacify
br nv saving that the cigar only cost five cents,
b1t she shouted IS You teased and teased till I
Ist ,ou gst yOur boots blaeked then you wanted
soma soda water then you bought apples on the
traJn and here's another five cents thrown away!
It IN counts up and if you don't die in the poor
house then nv name amt Sary ="
- Jo,fS PaUL'' on MAD-DoGs.-' John Paul.
bo has had diversified experience with dogs
,rr;,ss- rom his home TO the Tribune. he men
tions that ne was once bitten on the ear by
canine since which time he appears TO have sut-
Csred mueb. not from the bite, but from Mrs
PauI He saws: {" She begged that would SEND
for the doctor St once, and have my ear cut on
Declaring that il did not she should not have
rooment's peace. Arbitrarily, perhaps brutaLly'
T dacIined to-gratify her. In consequence have
- vet had the bliss Of knowing what 1t Is 70
bo15d oavly through life with a leather ear IL
,nav h. that the experience Is yet destined 20 DC
nine however for since this mad-dog e1ci1emen1
rsacbed its present height, Ars Paul frequently
asks me IL / feel no symptoms Sanno. k1t~a,
,be hack nv head without her placing oueAes e
of water before me to see Il sno" s'sn' "