The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1874-10-24
Josh Billings On Hotels.
Prom Nl,rs Almanac CIlrpet'O for 1891

Hotels are houses oV refuge, homes ioI
the Migrants, the married mans retreat,
and the bachelors tlreside.
They are kept In all sorts oV ways some
on the European plan, and menDy oV them
on no plan al all.
A good landlord IL like good step
mother-he knows hiZ blzznesS, and
means 10 do his duty.
he knows how 10 rub his hands with
10y when the traveller draws nigh; be
knows how to smile; he knew yure wiIe's
father when he was living, and yure wiie'a
luSt husband, but no don't speak about
him.
he kan tell whether 1t will rain to-
morrow or not; he hears yure complaints
with tear In his eye; be blows up the
servants at yure suggestion, and stands
around reddy, with Q Shirt.collar az stiff
az broken china.
A man may be good Supreme Court
Judge. and at the same time be miser-
able landlord.
Most everybody thinks they can keep
q hotel-snd they kan; but this ackounts
for the CRATE number Of hotels that are
kept on the came principal that o jusilsS
nv the peace offs IL kept In the country
during q six-days' jury trial TOR killing
somebody's yellow dorg,
A hotel won't keep Itself, and keep the
landlord too, and ever kure q traveller
from the habit oil prolane swareing.
Ihave had this experiment tried on me
several times, and 1t alwaus makes the
swares wuss.
tiz too often the kaSe that landlords
90 into the bizzness ov hash as ministers
90 into the proiession-with the very best
Of motives, but the poorest kind ov
prospects,.
don't know Nv emmy bizznes more
d4ttersum than the tavern bizzness.
There don't seem tew DO ennything tew
do but tew stand In front oV the register
with pen behind the ear, and see that
the guests enter themselis az soon az they
enter the house; then ysnk a bell-rope
six or seven times; and then tell John tew
sho the gentlemen tew 976; and then
take four dollars and fifty cents next
morning from the:poor devil ov a'traveler
and let him went.
This seems tew be the whole thing
and 1t Il the whole thing in most cases.
Yu will diskover the following deskrip.
shun a mild one ov about 0 hotels out ov
10 between the Atlsutik and Pacifck
0shuns, akrost the United States In q
straight line:
YIre room is 10 foot Q inches, by 0 foot
Z inches, parrallelogramly.
It being court week (sz usuaD, all the
good rooms are employed bi the lawyers
and judges.
Yure room Is on the uttermost floor.
The carpet Is ingrRin-ingrained with
the dust, kerosene lie, and ink.spots Of
four genersshuns.
There IL two pegs in the room tew hitch
coats onto, one Of them broke oph, and the
other pulled out and missing.
The buro has three legs and one brick.
The glass tew the buro swings on two
pivots, which hav lost their grip.
Thare IL one towel on the rack, thin,
but wet. The rain water in the pitcher
cum out ov the well. -.,rn
The soap Is as tuff to wear az whet
stone.
The soap IL scented with cinnemon lie,
and varisgated with spots.
Thare Il three chairs, kane settlers; one
IL rocker, and all three are busted.
Thare IL q matchbox, empty.
Thare IL no curtin tew the windo, and
thare don't want tew be emmy yu kant
see out, and who ken see inf
The bell-rope il cum oph about six
inches this side Of the ceiling.
The bed IL q modern slat-bottom, with
two mattresses, one cotton and one husk,
and both harder and about az thick az q
sea. biskitt.
Yu enter the bed sideways, and kan
feel every Stat at once, az easy as yu
could the ribs oV grid-iron.
The bed IL inhabited.
Yu sleep sum, but role over good
deal. ~ =,A
For breakfast yu hsv q gong and rhy
koffee too kold tew melt butter, fride po.
tatoes which resemble the chips two.
inch auger makes IN It's journey thru an
oak log.
Bread solid; beersteak about az thik az
blister.plaster, and so tutt as a hounds
ear.
Table covered with plates, a few scared
to death pickles on one oy them and Q fly.
Endorsed crackers on another.
A pewterinktom castor with three bot
ties In It, one without emmy mustard, and
one with two inches ov drowned flies and
vinegar in it.
Servant gall, with hoops on, hangs
round you earnestly, and wants teW know
II yu will take another cup ov koffe.
Yu ssy, mo, nom, thank yu," and
push back yure chair.
Yu haven't eat enuf tew pay for pick
ing yure teeth. ss
i am about as self,konsaited as ii will
do for q man teW be and not crack open,
but I never yet konsaited that ! could
keep hotel. Ihad rather DO hiwRy-
man than tew DO sum landlords hav
visited with.
Thare are hotels that are a Joy upon
earth; WHARF a man pays hiz bill az cheer.
fully az he did the parson who married
him; WHARF you kant find landlord un-
less you hunt in the kitchen; WHARF ser
wants glide around like angels ov mercy;
WHARF the beds 1t q mans back like the
feathers on goose, and WHARF tho Vittles
taste Just az tho yure wife or yure mother
had fried EN-. ~
Thee kind ov hotels ought teW bebuilt
on wheels, and travel around the kuntry.
They are az phull ov real comfort az q
thanksgiving pudding; but, alsss yes,
alass they are az unplenly az double