The Idaho world. [volume] (Idaho City, Idaho Territory) 1864-1918, 1874-08-29

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mitted indulgences. ! was taking my
first steps upon q sleeping volcano, all
bright and beautiful to the eye, but
whose fires were one day to overwhelm
me. -
/ did not know it. Am I therefore.
guilty Of the, FIRST awful step9 q gu'
But nothing stands still. The boy
was q man before he mistrusted Of
such q thing as manhood. The school
and university opened to him new
and glorious sphere, in which his pow
ers were taxed to the utmost. Can it
be that !. the outcast and maniac, pin
ing in this gloomy cell, whence ! must
shortly be carried forth to the nameless
grave-a gentleman and scholar
proudly welding the hearts of the good
and beautiful of this earth, loving and
beloved? Can it be that this brain
once wrought and struggled with the
great questions that underlie humanity?
That it toiled after the Good, the Beau
tilul and the True? All, yes, with all
the intensity Of my nature did toiffor
supremacy over my fellows, winning q
bright position in the worlds eye.
Yet, of what value was position ev-
er to me? If | won it, lost it; and
my grandest successes became my
worst failures. To myself seem to
have had fair degree of intellectual
strength up to q certain point, and to
have had will of sufficient force for
all the purposes Of life. Yet, with all
my resolution not to fall into my beset-
ting sin, and daily growing knowl-
edge of the terrific danger in which !
stood, | have fallen again and again,
year after year, and cverytime more
There is in my organiza-
ton somehow, an intense craving that
rises without warning, ever mastering
my will, and suddenly hurting me to
the earth like thunderbolt. II is not
consistent but spasmodic. II has often
left me for months. SO that the world
seemed full Of happiness, and the whole
face Of nature put on look of joy.
Oh, how often have ] been deluded by
these blessed intervals of rest and free
dom, and how led to hope at the las,
How often held a treles3 watch for
months over the enemy within me. and
thought in my heart that he had at
last disappeared. Just then. when no.
where in nv mental horizon could |
perceive single element Of danger,
how often have been thrown of my
guard. and betrayed into the wrctched-
ness that had so long dreaded Why
nay not lay hands upon and stranglc
his demon that turks in the nerves and
Drainy Ii there in all this world no
Can no voice in heaven or
Earth declare il, and reach the ears of
others. If it may not mines The demon
S with me now. even in this abode Of
sorrow. and commands me to drink IN.
Ter penalty of fresh tormcn,s. If Ire.
list his call. he will wiring my hear,
With new agonics. If | obey. he will
Il most give me a moments ease in ex.
hangc for hours Of pain Thanks to
Tod that here cannot obey
Let no one suppose that | have sub.
nit,cd supinely to my fate. On the
ontrary. my life has been little else
han warfare for my freedom. |
ave left nothing un,ried tina, the
vorld has known to gain it. There is
carcely spot on this continent where
have not sought for safety. | have
lowed thousands of miles upon two
ceaHs to evadc the destroyer, only to
nd myself, after my long wanderings,
ice to face with the omniprescnt curse
{ humanity. | have formed ties with
ne wise. the good, and the pure, and
edged myself about with all holy in.
uences; yet would the destroyer leap
ne walls Of my poor Eden, and drive
he forth in shame and sorrow. Il
| have roamed the streets of distant
ties. out watching the stars, desolate.
opeless, and alone; finding no rest, /
nd bearing within me the fierce demo (
lac appetite that never leaves. |,
AS the years Of my pilgrimage have
orn sorrowfully away, marked by It
ithered hopes and buried Joys, l
have become a waif upon the Il
orld-a bulrush upon the tide. n
he romance and glory of youthhood i
I'VE vanished. The days when mirth
I'd wit and wine went around md