The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-11-27
TMRxGAmAIIGS.

step will often cnre toothache.
A friend that sticks in prospect
ty AMI Observation-Disclosures.
Skinner keeps a hotel in Chica
go. 1t is a good name TO keep
hotel with.
"A splendid ear, but a very poo
voice. as the organ-grinder sai'
to the donkey.
They have people in Chicago
who are pleasantly referred to a
eighteen carat frauds
An Indiana father crawled unde
Il corn-crib and wept when hi
daughter married an astronomer.
No man ever worshiped a brazer
image who had once tussled with ;
life insurance agent.-Terre Haut'
Express,
Daniel Webster has accepted :
position on the New York police
and it is there fore inferred tina
his dictionary haas Aot proved /:
success.
Short dresses are coming into
fashion again, and young ladies arr
experiencing the old, old difficulty
OF getting No. 6 foot into 4 No
4 shoe.
A Michigan man has hit upon :
happy expedient for getting rid o
rheumatism. He crowded it dowr
to his two fingers, and then haC
them amputated.
If you want to know whether
your grandmother was cross-eyed
or VIII ere your great uncle stood in
his arithmetic class, just run fol-
Office, and you'll know it all.
The Chicago Times describes an
office holder as collector of the
port of Ararat, when Noah arriv.
ed at the ark, and has uninterupt
eddy held office ever SINCE.
The st, Louisian never dies sud.
denly. He walks around half &
dozen years, telling people about
his liver and chewing quininc, be-
fore crossing the riyer.-Boston
Transcript.
Hepworth Dixon has taken back
what he said against American
women, and now he has our per-
mission to go ahead and hang up
his picture in lager-beer saloons
and music stores.
A Jersey City lawyer was max
ing high-fown speech the other
day, telling about angels tears
weeping willows and tombstones
when his Honor said: "Confine
your remarks to the dog fight"
A man who will go TO the GENE
terry with Lis wife on Sunday and
weep over her first husbands
grave and walk home without 6
cross worn shall have our vote
every time he comes up for office
Nantucket has had but two day:
rain and one shower since the las
of June, but the people were con
verted to lager-beer several year:
ago, and don't care much lift new
er rains.-Brooklyn Argus.
A minister asked tipsy fellow
leaning up against q fence, where
he expected to 60 when he died
eff l can't get along any better
than 1 do now," said he, 81 shan
go anywhere. I'll stay were ]
am"
Men dying make their will-but wives
Escape "A work so sad;
Why should they make what all ther live.
The gentle danes have had ?--lSdEe
A darkey preacher lining out a
hymn from memory said:
Plunged in a gulf of dark despair,
ie wretched sinners come Out Of ddr
A Helena (Montana) divine
who has spent the best OF the sum
mer in Outstanding a Chinaman
thought he was getting along
nicely, until John made a propo
sition to him, the other day, tt
"put in" with him and start fare
bank.
The country paper tells thi:
story of a new boy in one of thu
Sunday-schools: "The prcciou:
youth was asked who made tn,
beautiful hills about there, and re
piled that he did not know, as hi!
parents only moved into town the
day before"
NJ. Fillemont, French scien
tist, declares that in literature AM
art nothing great was ever pro
duced by a total abstainer. Il
this opinion NJ. Fillemont will
doubtless be sustained by intelli
gent barkeepers everywhere
Louisville Courier Jouanal.
1t is a singular fact, but one wei
authenticated, that an Indian new
er dreams. He slumbers awav
like q horse, and he doesn't kno,
what it is to dream that he is rid
ing out to spelling school with hi
arm around the waist of the hand
soonest girl in town.
A Louisville papa did not SCI
iously object to the propose
elopement of his daughter with
dry goods clerk. Happening t
get wind of the plan, he merely Ia
in wait for Augustus, and sent hir
away with the impression that
remarkably healthy young mul
had played tattoo with his heel
under his coat-tails.
An aged backwoodsman was r.
proved by the clergyman for allow
ing his sons to go hunting on til
Sabbath "You ought to bring u
your children in the fear of til
Lord said the minister. "Fes
of the Lordp' said the old maj
as jess what I've done. Don't on
o. them boys dare g'wout dool
Sunday 'thout a double barr
gum"
In a hospital in Montpelie
France, IS q patient who has ju
swallowed thermometer left {
his table, while suffering fro
J Temporary delirium. They have
great deal of trouble with hi
now. When he drinks hot coff,
; that thermometer flies up again
the roof of his mouth hard enous
: to lift his hat off, and when he ca
ice cream it gets down in his boo
! and worries his corns.
A Mississippi boatman with il
mense feet stopping at a publ
house on the levee, asked the pc
ter for a bootjack to pull of b
boots. The colored gentlema
/ after examining the stranger
l feet, broke out as follows: 80
&. jack here big huff for dem fee