South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-01-09


der. ragged co!ored man and woman enter
ed the crowded rooms and pleaded for alma
They said they were starving and their plight
touched the hearts and wallets Of the crowd
After collecting a good sum of money, the CO.
lored couple wiped the burnt cork from their
faces, and two of the pillars of the church were
revealed.
Out West recently, girl backed out of her
marriage engagement when the minister got to
the house. The bride groom wasn't one of the
broken-hearted kind. lie turned TO the assem-
bled ladies and said 'If there's ary another
gal here thatll occupy this vacant situation,
I'm hern." Up jumped the sister of the lady
who had declined 10 be bride saying Count
me in. Proceed, old text singer, with the per-
Torrance. l amt afraid" Aud the ceremony
was performed to the delight OF the groom and
company.
sS- good old elder Of a church, who was
given to eXtravagant e1aggeration, was at last
called 10 account for his offence in that respect
and admouished not 20 give way to the beset
ting Gin in future The good old man received
the edmouition meekly aud said al know how
prone am to the fault, my brethren, and it has
given me tortures of pain and night after night
have shed barrels of tears over it, The meet
ing adjourned in silence
Bound TO LAP OyER.-"Landlord said a
transient guest at crossroads tavern, as he
drew near the end Of his dinner, won't YOU
give ne little more pork to eat with this pota-
to" little later, he said "There was more
I lo.
little more potato to eat with the pork" And
shortly afterward "Well | declare We got
some more potato left, and it seems pity to
leave it-just small piece more of pork, if you
please" 1t ran so for some time. At length
the landlord topped short il front Of his guest
aud remarked "Look here, stranger, faint no
use. I'm willing TO do anything in reason to
make that pork and potato come out even, but
I've made up my mind the way you eat, it can I
be did. You're bound to lap over or one or the
other every time. Now jest make up your mind
which you'd rather leave, and leave it and quit
I've get enough pork and potatoes, but, if you
keep on, you'll bust"
E@> An Ohio youth who desired to wed the
object of his affections had an interview with her
parental ancestor, in which he stated that al
though he had no wealth to speak of, yet he was
"chock full of days work" He got the girl
1t is asked "What can be better than
woman with cataract in her eye waterfall on
her head, creek in her back, forty springs in
her skirt, and high-tied shoes ~ 1t Is answer
ed "Why, one with q notion in her head"
sD- The evidence shows that he sot up with
her night after night, and they squoze hands
and talked soft, and | think che ought to have
about 81 damages" was the charge of Kansas
Judge TO jury in a breach Of promise case
Jury" said Western Judge, Lyon kin
60 out and find verdict fyou can't find one
of your own, get the one the last jury used"
The jury returned a verdict of suicide in the
ninth degree
-'Sarah,' said young man the other day,
why don't you wear earrings ?" Because !
haven't had my cara pierced" al will bore
them for you " Thank you-you have done
that enough"
Ese~ a negro in Boston complained at police
station that brother colored man had broken
a.
told there were no marks on his Uranium, lie
said mo e didn't make no marks but e
smashed de char oil ter pieces, and he Oh ar be-
longed ter me-"
TO A man who had recently been elected a
major Of militia, and who was not overburdened
with brains, took it into his head on the morn
ing of parade, to exercise little by himself
The field selected for this purpose was his own
apartment. Placing himself in a military atti-
tude with his sword drawn he exclaimed -
Attention. company Rear rank, three PAGES,
march ~ and he tumbled down into the cellar.
His wife hearing the racket, came running i'm.
saying, MY dear, have you killed yourself?''
'Go about your business, woman, said the he
TO- what do you know about war?'
TT milk pitcher thrown 10y his wife nj a Nell
son street man, on Monday noon, missed the
aim, and ruined handsome frame which en-
osed the words "God bless our home"
70 Jim Guppins was a clever, nice good dis
position thick headed sort Of a fellow, and was
tie butt Of the girls in his neighborhood. The
most brilliant thing he ever said was when some
OF The FAIR teasers questioned him one day in 70.
gard to his powers Of memory
Glow far back ia your lifetime can YOU re-.
member, Jim 7'
'Oh ] can remember The day was born.
was his reply
he day you was born exclaimed ono OF
Tie young ladies Of tho party
Why, jim what can you remember Of that
day