Omaha daily bee., 1874-07-16

A philantlIropist proposes +
muzzle the boys during the greer
apple season.
Notwithstanding the hard times
there r thirty-two millionaires q
Saratoga.
Josh Billings says: "There il
two things in this life for which
we ale never prepared, and that il
twins"
A Troy man has developed thu
shrewdest stroke of business yet. II,
borrowed a ladder and pawned it TO
a drink.
There are but two men in tn,
United States who can manufacture
hand organs. Let them be un-
earthed and brought to justice.
To Minnesota's toast of "grass
hoppers," Illinois responds will
"chinch," while there is . hoarst
murmur of "potato bug'' all around
the Granger horizon.
What do the doctors think abOut
the Brooklyn woman who, aftel
evlncing a hydrophobic dread Of
glass Of water, bolted q glass o.
beer with unfeigned gusto?
A Yale student jumped from 8
lightning express train recently,
when it was going at full speed. A
college education a not, of itself
make a man intelligent.
"We saw the comet" says a west
ern editor, "through q powerful
glass" And we have no doubt that
II his eyes didn't deceive him, be
saw two of them.
Punch tells of a newly engaged
cook who discharged her mistress
for the reason that the cook discov.
cred "the two young ladies of the
'ouse both a-usin' of one piano at
the same time"
In New Orleans Irish potatoes are
worth So per barrel by the whole
sale. People go to market with
their baskets filled with currency
and take their potatoes home in one
hand,
One of the young ladies who went
out pic-nicking the other day, in
forms us confidentially that she can
always tell when there is q busy bee
in the grass, improving each shin
ing hour, by sitting down on 1t.
The man who predicted that the
comets tail would touch the earth
has revised his calculations, and
now says that 1t will miss US by two
days Journey, a trihing matter Of
40, OO0, OOO, 900 miles.
The COroners in San Francisco,
are not going to allow the corpses of
irregnlarly dying people to die ne
elected. They r very prompt
When D'Alva MOsse cut his throat
there, recently, the dead-wagon
stood az hour before the door, wail-
Ing for him to ole.
A couple of neighbors became so
inimical that they would not speak
to eacl other; but one of them
having been converted at a camp
meeting, on seeing his former enc
held out his hand, saying:
"How dye do, Kemp? lam hum
BILE enough to shake hands with q
1t is something unaccountable
how these sober and sedate old fell
lows, as soon as their families have
gone to the country to spend the
heated term, commence to wear
their Sunday clothes every day and
to argue that four hours sleep is all
that the human frame requires to be
.ealthy.-Detroi Free Press.
"Sunrise, sir" says the eolored
at the Catskill Mountain
House, beating at your door in the
early dawn. "Well, what of it ?"
says Jones, jumping out of bed.
1Nothing, sir" says the porter,
it's the rule of the house to
guests to e the sight"
The - it is" says Jones, jump
ing into bed again.
A man who had been cruel to q
horse was convicted In Little Shasta,
Cal. The jury fixed the fine at 81,
md the justice followed with this
speech: "This mans been tried
times, gentlemen of the jury,
md you are the first twelve whO've
lad sense enough to find him
but what under the heavens
lid you make jackasses of your
elves for by putting the fine at 81,
Ifter you had done an average de-
,ent thing? faint any of your
business anyway what he's fined.
I'll look after that myself. It'll be
;6O.n
Civil Rights conversation in Ma
on between two darkies: "Say,
Bill, when dis Civil Rights bill don
'assed fore Congress, do you know
What Use gwine to do 2" "No,
am what yer gwine to do ?" 'I'se
wine down to de Brown House
nd take dinner-settin at de same
able wild dem white folks. And
en- I'll set out in front and smoke
ny cigar jes as big as any one of
"G'way, niger. If you
.emps to eat dinner at the Brown
louise l bets you eats supper in
A smart city billiardist picked up
countryman and induced him to
lay a game of billiards-1O0 points.
he city boy took the cue and ran
he game out without a stop. The
,untryman quietly laid down his
ne and started for The door. Said
he billiardist, "Here, come back
nd pay for this game" "What
said country. "Why, the
ame we just played" "We?" said
lie countryman; 1--WE? I haint
aged no billiards, as 1 knows of.
guess, mister, seen as you played
e game alone, you'd better pay
r 1t alone !" Whereat the coun-
lyman walked out and the smart
ty boy cogitated.
iSelt Lake Tribune. June III 4,