South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-06-12
W.T. AND HUn1oR.

WIT AND HUMOR.
Early to bed and early to rise, will all be in
vain If you don't advertise
Young man, you had better be honest than
cunning, and il is hard work to be both.
"A bank must be poor place TO impatt a
secret, as there is cash ear and a teller there
constantly.
The Cincinnati Enquirer offers to bet FIVE
hundred dollars that no fashionable lady ever
goes 70 bed without first looking in her glas s.,
and rival is willing 10 risk the same sum that
no Cincinnati editor goes 10 bed without drink
ing out OF his.
"A business man in Newark, TO whom a bill
had been owing for some time, finally sent a
sharp dunning note to his debtor, and received
in reply postal card con tanning the following :
Matthew Is I. 26." To this they responded ;
Romans 10; st. Luke IL: So The re-
suit was the prompt return of check in pay
meet Of the amount.-We hope the above will
induce some people TO search the Scriptures"
Starch up, brush your whiskers, dress fash
ionable, and lay in plentiful supply Of soft nom
sense, and the girls will cali you a nice Young
man.
Coon ADvIcE.--Don, get in a flustcr and 20
on buster, nor allow yourself to terrified be;
but keep cool bead, and never be led, TO ioin
in hurrah and spree"
Governor Fenner absenting himself from
church fast day was told by Dr. WayIand ;hat
he did not obey his own proclamation ayes, I
do, he replied. "I tell the people TO meet II
their usual place Of worship. Mine is at home
The lawyers before the Louisiana Supreme
Court are subject to fifteen minute rule i'm their
arguments. But this doesn't prevent occasional
bursts of eloquence. One of them, for instance
said recently that the Judge had plunged his ia
Ions into the very bowels of the statute under
discussion, and torn it into bloody fragments c.
ven as hungry vulture would its he pless prey.
The same metnphorical gentleman further affirm
ed that all the law learning displayed by his ad-
yersary was as foreign TO the points at issue as
mad bull in china store
"A San Francisco paper is out of benevolence
10y little fun at its expense, and says We re-
gard the atrocious correspondent as an inferno!
iiend, false-tongued midnight monster, red
handed assassin, thief, be schoolmarm, a
fraud, ghost, and unpleasant person I've
esteem him pea green demon of the steanipc
PIT, with cottonwood tail, eyes in his sides,
and cork neck, studded with hot door knobs
If there is anything verse than. this we think
him that"
To GnLs.-SIy pretty little dears, you are no
more lit for matrimony than a pullet is to look
after family o! fourteen chickens The truth
is, my deers, generally speaking YOU need more
liberty and less fashionable restraint: more
Kitchen and less parlor; more exercise and less
sofa more making puddings and less piano
more frankness and less mock modesty like
buxom, bright-eyed, rosy checked bouncing
lass-one who can darn stockings, make her own
ilocks, mend trousers, command q regiment of
pots, and shoot a wild duck as well rs the Ouch.
ess Of Marlboro or the Queen of Spain and be
lady wlthal IN the drawing room. But as for
your pining, moplng, screwed-up, wasp-waistcd,
putiy-iaced, music-murderiug, novel devou ring
daughters OF fashion and idleness, with your con-
sumpuon-soed shoes and silk stockings, you
won't do for wives and mothers. Mrs. ELis's
Lectures.
1t is beautiful sight to attend an Arizona
Wedding The bride iu white the happy groom,
the solemn minister, the smiling parents, and
from twenty-five to forty shot guns standing a.
gaiust the wall ready for use make up parora-
ma not soon forgotten
One day last week, says tie New York Com
me'e'oI, temperance crusadess, on her return
from Iigrimago to the beer shops, was seen to
approach the pantry, aud overheard singing;
little drops Of toddy,
Little grains Of spice
Don't they make a body
Feel so awful nice %
"A story told by Dr. " Gosh, Of Princeton
tglicpc IL aQnepuolIc A ,or~.