The Fremont weekly journal. [volume] (Fremont, Sandusky County, Ohio) 1867-1877, 1874-08-07
HE WAS AipR1cK. .
Mark Twain's Chat with an Under
taker.

Corpse said never mind; shake him
up some kind of a box he could
stretch out in comfortable; he warn't
particular bout the general style o.
1t. Said he went more on room
than style, any way, in a last final
eontainer. Friends wanted a silver
dOor-plate on the coffin, signifyino
who he was and Wher' he was from.
Now yoW know a fellow couldn't
roust out such a gala things as that
in a little country town like this.
What did corpse say? Corpse said,
whiEewash his old canoe, and dob
his address and general destination
onto it with blacking-brush and a
stencil-plate, long with a verse from
some likely hymn or other and pint
him for the tomb, and mark him
G. 0. D., and just let him flicker.
He warn't distressed any more than
you be; on the contrary, Just az
calm and collected as hearse horse,
said he judged that wher' he was
going to be a body would find ii
considerable better to attract atten
ton by a picturesque moral charae-
ter than q natty burial case with a
swell door-plate on if. Splendid
man he was. I'd druther do for a
corpse ike that'n any I've
TACKLED IN SEVEN YEAR.
There's some satisfaction in bury
in o man like that. You feel that
what you're doing is appreciated,
Lord bless you, so he's got planted
before he spilled, he was perfectly
satisfied; said his relations meant
well, perfectly well, but all them
preparations was bound to delay the
thing more or less, and he didn't
wish to be kept layin' around. You
never see such q clear head as what
he had-and so calm and so cool.
just hunk of brains-that is what
he was. Perfectly awful. It was a
ripping distance from one end of
that mans head to the t'other. Oft
en- and over again he's had brain
fever a raging in one place, and the
rest Of the pile did't know any thing
about it-didn't effect it any more
than an Injun instruction in Ari-
zona effects the Atlantic States.
Well, the relations they wanted a
lurid funeral, but corpse said he was
down on fummery-didn't want
any procession-fill the hearse full
of mourners, and get out stern line
and tow him behind. He was tie
most down on style of any remains
| ever struck. A beautiful, simple
minded creature-it was just what
he was, you can depend on that.
He was just set on having things
the way he wanted them, and he
took solid comfort in laying his
little plans. He had me measure
him and take a whole raft of direc-
tions; then he had the minister
stand up behind a long box with a
table-eloth over it,
TO REPRESENT THE COFFIN,
and read his funeral sermon, saying,
'Angcore, angcorep at the good
places, and making him scratch out
every bit of brag about him, and all
the hifalutin; and then he made
them trot out the choir so as he
could help them pick out the tunes
for the occasion, and he got them to
sing Pop Goes the Weasel, because
he'd always liked that tune when he
was down-hearted, and when they
sung that with tears. in their eyes
because they all loved him J, and
his relations grieving around, he just
laid there as haPpy as 8 bug, and
trying to beat time, and showing all
over how much he enjoyed it; and
presently he got worked up and ex-
cited, and tried to join in, for mind
you, he was proud of his abilities in
the singing line; but the first time
be opened his mouth, and was just
going to spread himself, his breath
took a walk. I never see man
snuffed out so sudden. Oh, it was
q great loss-it was a powerful loss
to this little one horse town. Well,
we'll, well, amt got time to be pal
avering along here-got to nail on
the lid
AND NOISY ALONG WITH HIN;
and if you'll just give me lift we'll
'keet him into the hearse and
along-relations bound to
have it so-don't pay no attention
TO dying injunctions, minute q
> corpse's gone; but if l had my
way, if / didn't respect his last
wishes and tow him behind the
hearse III be cuss'd. / consider
that whatever corpse wants done
'or his support is little enough mat.
'er, and man amt got no right to
deceive him or take advantage of
lim; and whatever a corpse trusts
ne to do I'm going to do, you know,
wen if it's to stuff him and paint
him yaller and keep for a keepsake
you hear Dle!'
He cracked his whip and went
away with his ancient ruin
# a hearse, and I continued my |
walk with q valuable lesson learned |
that q healthy and wholesome
.heerfulness is not necessarily i'm
possible to any occupation. The |
esson is likely to be lasting, for it
viii take many months to obIiterate |
he memory of the remarks and cir
umstances that impressed them.