Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-08-07
II UMOR.

III u III u H.
PRoBABIL1T1Es.-T following beats
old Probabilities out of sight:
When you see a man going home at two
O'Clock in the morning, and know his wife
is waiting up for him, it is likely to be
stormy. *t5
When a man receives a bill for goods his
wife bought unknown to him, look out for
thunder and lighting"
When man goes home and finds no
supper ready, the fire gone out and his
wife crusading, it is likely to be ''cloudy."
When man promises to take his wife
to a party and changes his mind after she
is dressed, you may expect a shower"
When man saves his cigar money to
bny his wife new bonnet and the children
new shoes, it indicates spell of ''sun-
shine.''
When man dies and leaves nice young
widow with plenty of money, and you see
her walking out with one of the executors
on Sunday, "change" is imminent.
"A teacher, wishing to improve the occa-
sion, said to the boys, at the conclusion of
a strawberry festival "Have you enjoyed
these berries to-day ?" Eyes, sir; yes,
sir" came up from all sides with unmis-
taxable heartiness. 'EWell, children, if
you had seen these berries growing in my
garden, and had slipped in through the
gate without my leave, and picked them
from the vines, would they have tasted as
good as now ?'' 'No, SIR was the prompt
reply. "Why not ?'' Because" said a
wide-awale boy, 'then we shouldn't have
had sugar and cream with 'em.''
The Troy "Times" says: 'tRecently, at
a church fair on Ida Hill, a large and
frosted cake was offered to the person who
should guess nearest to the correct weight,
at ten cents guess. The pastor urged a
young lawyer to invest dime. The prac-
titioner replied: TIL play you a game of
euchre to see who gets the cake, but l
don't understand the other game"
A young lady, known as a regular chat
teroox, having monopolized the converse
ton for the first half hour at table, asked
a Quaker present elbow he liked tongue"
remarking at the-same time that she had
prepared it in several tempting ways, to
which he meekly replied, Gin repose.' A
slight lull in conversation followed.
An Irish post boy having driven a gen
tleman a long stage during torrents of
rain, the gentleman civilly said to him,
''Paddy, are you not very wet ?" ''Arrah,
[ don't care about being very wet, but,
PLACE yer honor, Pm very dry"
An interesting little boy, timid when
left alone in dark room, was overheard
recently by his mother to say in his loneli-
ness, ooh, Lord, don't let any one hurt
me, and I'll go to church next Sunday, and
give you some money"
At the late Projects ball at the LuXem-
bourg, Monsieur H was remarked in a
suit quite too large for him. ''Never
mind" observed a guest, The will fit it
before supper is over"
Some thoughtless person says: cit is
rnkind to ridicnle those items in the pa
pers about centenarians. Tt is no easy
thing to become a centenarian; several
have failed"
The reason an urchin gave for being
late at school Monday was that the boy in
the next house was going to have q dress
ing down with BEDFORD, and he wanted
to hear him howl.
a Delaware man arrested for murder,
proved that on that night and at the hour
of The murder he was at home mailing his
wife, and this fact saved him. A word to
the wise is. and SO forth.
A little boy was asked about the story
of Joseph, and if he knew what wrong his
brethren done in disposing Of him, when
he replied, 81 suppose they sold him too
cheap"
A negro who ate watermelon at dark
was killed by the cars before midnight,
showing that in the midst of watermelons
we are in death.
SIS them the common dog sassage ?" in
ouired venerable looking lady, as she
surveyed bunch of bananas over her spec
tacles the other day.
The story of Catharine Gaunt, told by a
woman who had been married TO man as
worldly-wise as Theodore Tilton for th;r
teen years, is little too thin.
A Down East clergynlen recently lost
two pairs of rubbers wrapped UP in CT
Gus poster. He is careful to state that the
poster was secondhand.
A Lady recently applied to a fire insur-
ance company for position as agent
When asked what her qualifications were,
she touched her unblushing cheek.
ssWhat's the plural of pillow 2" asked
All Irish teacher the other day. "a bols-
ter, SIR replied his rawest pupil, amidst
the suppressed tittering of the whole class.
The people OF Toulouse must be hard
set. A writer speaking of the city says:
sit is aIarge town, containing $4,000 in
habitants built entirely of brick"
The man who tied his dog to wagon
wheel to learn him to be coach-dog is
disguised with the whole business.
Toast at railway dinner: ''Or Moth
ers, industrious tenders, though they often
misplaced the SWITCH
A bad omen--To owe men money.