The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-01-30

lnder water to liquidate their lit c
Ie bills.
The latest dodge in books-Re-
urningS borrowed volumes as
christmas presents.
A photographer requested that
lis sign, "taken from lite" should I
DC his epitaph. VAST
A Western newspaper heads its
lists of female personal intelli- 7
yence "Her Column" ~ "a. I
The Quincy Morning Esiqs has
'petered," is the way .the Daven-
port, Iowa, Democrat puts ii.
"Mugsins" says that, in these
hard times, a five dollar green
back looks as big'as n circus pos
ter.
A Nevada postmaster has writ
ten to Washington to know if he
can rent part Of the Office for a
faro bank. .-.,r
Josh Billings says: Success
don't konsist in never making
plumbers, but in never making |
the same one the seckond time
Ifyou wish to travel cheaply,
patronize those railroads which
advertise to carry their pasSen-
gers through without change"
A Michigan newsdealer recent
ly received this order from a young
lady: "Send me A. Novel called
buffalo bill and the dais doins."
At q recent dinner of shoemak-
ers the following toast was given:
May We have all the woman. in
the country TO shoe and ali the
men to boot"
"What comes after t." asked 2
teacher of q small pupil, who was
learning the alphabet. He receiv-
ed the bewildering reply: "You
do-to see Liza llF Hy-l
The New York World says that
Albany Argus ''has a correspon-
dent who calmly surveys the Sa-
hara from the sitting-poipt of a
German beer house."
A girl, hearing her mistress ask
her husband to bring eDombey and
Son." with him when he came
home at dinner, set two extra
plates for the expected guests.
The Mount Pleasant, Iowa,
Journal devil thinks it an all
wise Providence that ordains that
religious rev;vals don't set in I'M
til after the stove pipes are all put
up.
"How fast they build houses
nowr' SAID H., "they began that
building last week, and now they
are putting in the lights" ''Yes,"
answered his friend, sand next
week they will put in the liver"
Old Gent.-"You don't mean to
tell me, waiter, that you can't
give me toothpick?" Waiter
"Well, sir, we used to keep 'em
but the gents almost invaribly
took 'em away when they'd done
with EN-"
Josh Billings says: 81 will state
for the information of those who
haven't had chance to lay in
sekrit wisdom NJ freely az 1 have,
that one single hornet who feels
well can break up whole camp
meeting
Ben Franklin's watch Is owned
by stanch old Pennsylvania far
ner. This is opening the year
with first-class stock paragraph.
For an economical man, Franklin
owned many watches. We know
of four. Perhaps he uscd to
swap tickers." N EEE-E1z
A solemn warming might be Ia
ken from the fate of a Western
editor who started out to "aston-
ish the natives" with a lecture;
but snow-storm arose, the driver
lost his way, the wagon upset, and
the lecturer broke his collar bone
and two ribs. A Wv
Peter Van Dyke, an old chap,
who died in New Hapshire the
other day, worth $4,000 in cash,
requested in his will that no one
SHOULD snuffic and shed crocodile
tears at his funeral, but cover him
over and then hurry homo to fight
over his money" e. h-8 .AA2-~
The Brooklyn Eagle is response
bic for the following: "Pimple-
vile, VT, is evidently not a good
field for an Independent, outspo.
ken journal. The Pimpleyine
Post lately published this item:
Those who have lately been en-
gagged in sheep-stealing had better
stand from under. We know
whom VIC are talking about The
result was loss OF sixty subscri-
bers, and the paper will go into
bankruptcy"
A Mr.. Dahm runs large store
up at Eagle Harbor, and the Mar
quette Journal says: "He must
have an extensive trade, for we
have heard his name mentioned
in connection with all the stoves
and stovepipes we ever put togeth-
eY, here or elsewhere. bL& e
Some jackass says, "Cheer up,
cheer up; it's a long lane that has
no turn" Don't we know it?
or course it's long lane that has
no turn. How perfectly absurd
to expect q fellow to ''cheer mp"
because a long lane has no turn!
We decline to cheer up for any
such reason. NA -
a man in Hartford has stopped
his newspaper because his name
was printed in n list ofadvertised
letters, and his wife happening to
see it first, went and got it for him
and found it was from n young
lady, who complained that he
didn't meet her at Worcester.' las
hepromised.
The stringency in the egg
market Is painful There has
been large falling of in deposits
OF late, many of the hens having
entirely suspended, while Others
are holding on to their reserves.
1t is thought, however, that near
ly all viii be able to resume in the
spring, when the crops begin to
grow.
The Peoria Review says that
lady teacher in one OF the public
schools was amazed the other day
by seeing a perfect forest of juven-
lie hands fiy up in the air and
shake and gesticulate with violent