Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-01-16
e UMOR.

Twain at puDllc ullhol III Ao
Gently responded to the toast, line Lid
dies,'' and in the course OF his remarks
said s'Ah, you remember, you remember
well. what throb Of pain, what greaC
tidal wave of grief swept over us all When
Joan of Arc fell at Waterloo. lAaugnter.1
3=rbo does not sorrow for the loss OF Sap
nbo the sweet singer Of Isreal? Laugh
ter Who among us does not miss the
gentle ministrations, the softening mtlu-
ences, the humblepiety of Lucrezla borgla'
[laugnter.] Who can join in the hear'-
less libel that woman is extravaganza III
dress when we can look back and call TO
mind our simple and lowly Mother Eve az
roved in her modification of the Highland
costume ?'
LESSON IN SPELLING.-One OF our
local Judges lately took lesson IN spelling
in a Justice court, when a MI. Wood was
the witness.
nWhat is your name ?" asked the clerk.
uOttiwell Wood,'' answered the wit
ness.
elbow do you spell your name - then
asked the somewhat puzzled judge.
Mr.. Wood replied:
so double T, double ., E double l.,
double U, double 0 D."
The astonished judge thought that was
one of the most extraordinary names he
ever knew and, after two three attempts
to record it, both he and the clerk gave it
up, amid roars Of laughter.
The gentle sleep that ''knits up the raw
eled sleeve of care" and does great many
other kind and good-natured things, occa-
sionally INDUCES in an awkward practlcal
Joke. It lately induced lady in Montreal
to 90 forth in the dead of night very light
" clad and call up the keepers OF hosplt-
al ia present Bibeto one of the patients.
On being suddenly walked mp she was
greatly embarrassed at her awkward po-
sition.
A Kentucky newspaper has been search
ing for some evidence of the existence OF
an honest man in the history OF that State
and has discovered one away back in 1874.
He bought a horse for SIS when the seller
asked S65 for him. Taking the animal
home the man became persuaded that he
was well worth the price asked, and went
hack and insisted on paying the other $50.
1914 is the very latest date at which any
such man has been discovered
The reporter of a Nashville paper VINO
mentioned young iady's decease, touch
inglv alluded to her as zone of the bright
est Jewels that ever glittered in the dladem
of an earthly house, one of the purest stars
that ever cleaned upon the frontlet OF our
social sky, one Of the sweetest flowers that
ever bloomed in the garden of early associ-
alton. ), has had his saalry increased to 81
a month. half cash, and the balance In
cordwood.
A Western farmer, it is reported, refus-
ed to look at a simple sewing machine late
To- as he always sowed wheat by hand"
He is said to be related to the man who
did not want thrashing machine on his
farm, ''for," said he, ''give me a harness
ting or a barrel stave, and can make my
family toe the mark according to law and
scripture"
Tn an editorial on the horse disease, the
Congregationalist suggested that it might
he well to sit at the feet of a horse and
learn humility. "Just So says the Cali
fornia News Letter ''sit down at the
hind feet of mule, and if he don't humil-
iate Vol. pull his tail and tickle the inside
nf his legs with a stable fork"
The spiritualist lecturer who noticed a
uadv clad in deep mourning taking her de-
,parture from the hall, prophesied better
Than he knew when he told her
that the spirit of her husband desired
ito communicate with her,
|sI know it, said she; ''he is waiting
at the door,"
It was a very ungrateful person who
sent by carrier pigeon the following mes
sage to his place in the country: "Send
basket of early green peas by express train,
mack the bearer of this in with them, as he
is a. plump bird, and I intend to eat him
with them"
An American recently met an old school
fellow in Florence. ''You here?" Yes,
nv dear fellow, have just been married,
and am come to pass my honeymoon in
Italy.'' "And your wife?" MY wife,
oh ! 1 left her in New York"
An instance of the tyranny of man was
exhibited at woman's rights meeting in
Titusville, where gentleman entered and
told his wife, one of the officers Of the
meeting, to come home quick, las the ba-
by had the colic.'' She went.
The moral value of hen-pecking has re-
ceiyed an illustration in the case of one
Herring, Of Toronto, who, driven to des-
peration by the consent "nagging" Of his
wife, has confessed that six years ago he
killed man in Wisconsin.
When you see little girl with odd gait
ers On her feet, a .crewnless jockey on her
head, three brown papeE packages in her
. rms and mouth full of capdy, you may
know her mother is washing.
ssHe was a good man." says an Iowa pa
per of a deceased citizen, ''but then he
sometimes bet on the wrong horse, the
same as the rest of u.s.
sWe are going home to die no more' Is
rendered in the churches in Omaha, s'We
are going home to Dinah More, to Dinah
More, to Dinah More"