davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The true northerner., 1874-11-20
A Gentlemanly Bakers Dozen.

l. The gentleman who sponges on
his friends until he gets money or en-
ployment, and then looks for fresh and
more fashionable acquaintances.
2. The same gentleman when he is
connected with journalism, and thinks
it his duty to abuse those who fed him.
3. The gentleman who sneers at every
thing he doesn't understand, and who
has lots of work cut out for kim.
4. The gentleman who is not ashamed
or afraid to wear one shirt for month,
but who considers himself insulted and
his honor at stake when dirty linen is
mentioned.
5. The gentleman who isn't above
begging dollars when he can get them,
and doesn't despise sixpences /; but
who feels outraged whenever profess
sional borrowing is talked about in his
presence.
6. The gentleman whose wife goes
shabby, and whose children look upon
bread and butter as luxury and new
boots with wonder but who is regarded
at tavern bars and clubs as one of the
best fellows in the world.
7. The gentleman who despises peo-
pie who were brought up F." at lard
work and forgets-or tries to forget
the time when he was brought up F"
by policeman. And what was worse,
taken away again.
s. The gentleman who objects to the
society of tradesmen-when he can't
borrow any more money of them.
8. The gentleman who knows every
thing and has been everywhere, but
who has never been away from South
street and the purlieus thereof.
10. The gentleman who writes smart
things, and says that editors are afraid
to put them in their papers.
II. The gentleman who repeats other
peoples jokes as his own, and speaks of
the original jokers as buffers.
12. The gentleman who has always
an offensive story to tell about some
one, generally about woman who has
no able-bodied husband or brother to
defend her.
13. The gentleman who will recog-
nize everybody but himself III this list.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20
Green Mountain Mems GrOg.

When thirsty souls want something
nice and alcoholical in Bennington, VT,
they go to the apothecarys shop and
call for Prepared Laudanum." A
verdant stander by, who saw the fright
full draught taken, said that the fellow
wouldn't live long after swallowing so
much laudanum. Presently another
man came in and called for the same.
The verdant spectator followed him to
the door, and watching him as he went
down the street, said "That fellow
stands it well !; he must be used to TAX
ing it." But when a third laudanum
drinker entered and was served, light
dawned upon the mind of the person
from the rural districts, and stepping
up to the counter, he exclaimed "See
here, old hoss, guess I'll take dose
of that lodlum it doesn't seem to kill
anybody, and folks seem to like it. It
was the liveliest epiate he had ever
swallowed in the whole course of his
existence and he went away confirmed
in the opinion that the danger of "lod-
lum" has been greatly exaggerated.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20
The Duchess and the Actor,

On Saturday evening Sothern again
stepped on the London boards. Since
he went away every play at the old Hay
market seemed like Hamlet" with the
part of Hamlet left out. For con-
siderable time the old theater was closed
for repairs, and the admiration which
It's Pompeian decorations excited Satur-
day night proved how many had not
been there since their favorite left, for
the said decorations were made more
than a year ago. The building was
crammed to it's utmost capacity, and the
audience became rather noisy when the
hour (7:30) for the curtain to rise had
arrived, and the orchestra had not yet
begun. When the orchestra did begin
it had rather hard time of it, the crowd
calling " time" somewhat Justify. Its
labors to soothe the savage breast with
sweet sounds were not rendered easier
by the entrance of the Duke and
Duchess of Edinburgh, which was a
signal for cheering. The Duke and
Duchess, by the way, do not stand a
near view very well. He is rather rough
and red-faced, and begins to resemble
his mother in obesity; and the Duchess,
who never had any beauty to spare, IS
certainly getting no prettier very fast,
and is rather unpleasantly fat. They
both tried to preserve their royal dignity
under the siege of Sothern's humor, but
at length it broke down. The Duchess
hid her face behind the curtain of her
private box, and the cause could be in
ferred from the convulsive movements
of the SAID curtain and when Lord
Dundreary, prosecuting his courtship,
asked the embarrassed lady if she
could wag her left ear" the Dukes
forehead was seen suddenly to descend
to the velvet of the balcony before them.
Cor. Cincinnati Commercial.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20
The Thanksgiving Turkey-HOw TO
Dress il.

Take board four feet long, one and
a half feet wiue, bore an inch hole in
the center, about eight inches from one
end, saw out strip from this end to
the hole, about one inch wide, or wide
enough to admit the neck of the turkey.
Place this board on a barrel, with one
end against your hips. Lay the turkey
on this board on it's back, with its neck
in the slit and head underneath then,
with a snarp knife, cut its throat under
the board (that the blood may be out of
the way) ; take the turkey by the legs,
draw steadily, to keep its neck in place,
raise it from the board, that it need not
be bruised, and commence at once to
pull out the tail and wing feathers, and
by the time it is done kicking you will
have nearly all the feathers off, You
will find that they will come off nearly
as easy as if scalded. The pin feath-
ers, if any, should be taken out at once.
When dressed, carry to the house, lay
the carcass upon the table, on the back,
with its wings in position wipe dry,
and when you get through, call IN your
wife, and you may be sure of her APP
proving smile.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20
Great Expectations.

A well-known and popular preacher
has put to press book with a sensa-
tional title. He made a point with the
publisher that his own parish should
have the first chance in buying the
book. He had over 1000 hearers, he
said, and each one would want copy.
An edition of 1900 must be published
before the book was thrown on the
market. The publisher not only agreed
to this, but withheld the book from
the stores, and sent on a special agent
to supply the ravenous appetite of the
congregation. The book arrived.
Public notice was given from the pull
pit. But there was no rush. The
rooms rented and the salary and board
of the agent cost something. AT the
expiration OF two months business was
closed up. The sale of books did not
reach the number of fifty. The pub
Usher said that the congregation ex-
pected that each one of them would re-
ceive presentation copy" from the
pastor BOSTON Advertiser.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20
Strange Mental Phenomena.

The following story, told by Cali
fornia paper of Mr.. O. H. Burnham,
of Oakland, illustrates one of those
strange mental phenomena which have
so long puzzled the scholars of the
world: One morning, few weeks
ago, Mr.. Burnham visited San Fran
cisco, crossing over in the 8 a. M. train,
and returning at noon. For the rest
of the day he was actively engaged in
business, and at 6 p. M, during the
prevalence of thunder, lightning and
rain storm, he drove to the depot TO
meet some ladies. AS they did not
arrive he returned to the station at
half-past 6, at which time his horse
took fright, and he was dashed against
a tree and rendered senseless. Now
comes the singular part of the story.
On returning to consciousness it was
found that not only was he unaware of
the accident, but that he had no recol-
lection of anything which had occurred
after o'clock n. m. He remembered
starting for San Francisco and being on
board the boat-nothing more. He
knew nothing of returning nothing of
transacting business in Oakland during
the afternoon nothing of going to meet
the ladies and had no knowledge
whatever of the occurrence of the tre-
mendous thunder storm. Loss of con-
sciousness apparently had antedated
the accident about nine hours.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20

WHISKY AID THE WEED. -Intelli-
gent Psychologists and pathologists adj
NIT that all so-called medicines con-
tanning alcohol-whether they emanate
from the regular Pharmacopmia and are
called tinctures, or from the Empirical
Rum Mills, and are labeled "Tonics +"
are essentially dangerous and de
structive. The only way in which
drunkenness can be arrested is by re-
storing the integrity of the nerves (es-
pecially the nerves of taste and the
great sympathetic nerve), and purify
ing the animal fluids; and these objects
are more certainly and swiftly accom-
plished by the use of DIR. WALKERS
VINEGAR BIrTERs than by any other
means. Hence, probably, the opinions
now so generally expressed, that this
pure preparation is sovereign remedy
for the evils referred to. Should it be
clearly ascertained that VINEGAR BIT-
TIERS is not only a specific for indiges-
tion, liver disease, nervousness, scrofu-
lous ulcers ond eruptions, and host OF
other disorders, but also for inebriety,
thousands will rise up and call the dis
coverer blessed. 10
The true northerner., 1874-11-20
Sad Fun.

A big dog went into clothing store
with his master yesterday, and while
skulking around under the counters he
came upon the full-length mirror before
which customers stand to see the fit Of
a coat. The dog observed another dog
in the glass and he uttered warning
growl and showed his teeth. Two or
three clerks saw chance for fun, and
they slid around and in whispering
words encouraged the dog to sail in and
clean out the intruder. He hesitatod a
little, and one of the clerks poked him
up by throwing a box of paper collars.
That was enough. The dog thought
the dog in the glass had made pass at
him, and he opened his month, made a
dive and the glass was cracked in
twenty directions. There was a good
deal of laughing among three or four
clerks until they figured up and found
that each ones share would come to
about two weeks work.-DetroH Free
Press
The true northerner., 1874-11-20
Obituary..

Last week we wrote an item about
two pears and noted their weight as 2
pounds. 1t got into the paper 49,
pounds.
His shame was Hunter set the item,
and he would have been an ornament
to the profession in due time. Hepossess-
sed all the noble qualities of mind and
heart that tend to make the compositor
of the day beloved and esteemed by
good penmen. He could, when at his
best, take the pathos out of an obit-
uary, the point off of Joke, the senti-
ment out of matrimonial puff, or the
piety out of a Sunday school conven-
ton report, with the ease and grace
that would have set old Job on the rag
ged edge. He was. too, promoter of
the cause of religion. In that line he
had no equal. No man could be
around him fifteen minutes without real
izing the necessity of some plan of
salvation, some refuge far away from
this sinful world, where all was purity
and the inhabitants washed their feet.
And he was no monopolist either. He
set his face squarely against anything
having the appearance of monopoly.
nc VI Illuu hC
went to keep the other hands from mo-
nopolizing their lunch stamped him as
a resister of the iron heel of oppression
worthy of imitation.
But his greatest attribute was pa
tience. We cannot do him justice In
that respect. When We contemplate
that virtue we almost regret that we
killed him. He would listen to the in
vectives of the chief, the profane re-
monstrances Of the reporters, the indig-
nant protests of outraged contributors,
the maledictions of proof-readsrs, and
the bloodthirsty threats of poets un-
moved, beg their last chew of tobacco,
and comment on the quality thereof.
In his last moments, after he had been
hit with a mallet, newspaper form
pitched into his abdomen, and run
twice through the cylinder press. his
only complaint was that We might have
waited until after dinner.
His situation is vacant. Although we
despair of every completely filling his
place, ambitious young men should not
feel discouraged. We can't all be per-
feet Apply at this Office, inclosing
paid up accident policy. Our feet are
nearly kicked off now.-CdntOn (IU.)
ReOiSfer
The true northerner., 1874-11-20
Shall John Chinaman Vote +!

The question now is, shall John
Chinaman vote? 1t has been discov-
cred in San Francisco that the revised
statutes of the late Congress have au-
thorized the naturalization of the Chi
nese and any other of the adult males of
the yellow races. The old law of 1902
declares that "any alien being free
white person, may be admitted TO be-
come u citizen, etc. In 1870 the pro-
vision was extended to cover "aliens of
African nativity and persons of African
descent" The revision uses the words
of the law of 1902, omitting "being a
free white person." and inserts the law
of 1870 about Africans. 1t is claimed
that the law, as now standing, breaks
down all barriers of race or descent
which California has hitherto success
fully opposed.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20
A Place for Old Hats.

We find the following story in the
London academy:
The group of Islands known as the
Nicobars, situated about l5Omiles south
of the Andamans, has been but little ex-
plored, though the manners and Gus
toms of the inhabitants OF these islands
offer interesting peculiarities. One of
the most noticeable, and one which Sc
riously affects the trade of the islands,
is the passion for old hats, which per-
vades the whole framework of society.
No one is exempt, and young and old
endeavor to outvie each other in the
singularity of shape no less than in the
number of old hats they can acquire
during lifetime. On fine morning
at the Nicobars it is no unusual thing to
see the surface of the ocean in the vicin-
ity of the island dotted with canoes, in
each of which the noble savage, with
nothing whatever on but the conven-
tional slip of cloth and a tall, white hat
with black band, may be watched stand
ing up and catching fish for his daily
meal. Second handed hats are more in
request, new hats being looked upon
with suspicion and disfavor. The pas
sion is SO well known that traders from
Calcutta make annual excursions to the
Nicobars with cargoes of old hats,
which they barter for cocoanuts, the
only product of the island, good, tall
white hat with II black band, fetching
him forty-fve to sixty-five good cocoa
nuts. Intense excitement pervades the
island while the trade is going on.
When the hats or the cocoanuts have
come to an end, the trader generally
lands a cask or two of rum, and the
whole population in their hats get
drunk without intermission until the
rum also comes to an end. 1t is curious
that in those far-away regions so profit
able market should be found for cast
off specimens of one of the most dis
agreeable symbols of civilization.
The same yearnings after better things
in a more advanced stage may be OBJ
served in Madagascar, where no official
is content if he cannot deck himself out
in the plumage of some long defunct
Admiral, General or Ambassador.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20
Mr.. JonsOn's Tin Wedding.

Mr.. Jonson, of the Sixth Ward, had
a tin wedding Thursday night. 1t was
the first tin wedding he ever had, and
it will probably be the last, as circum-
stances over which he had no control
rendered the affair not altogether har-
monious. He did not issue any special
invitations, but informed his friends
that the wedding was to come off, and
he limited that he didn't care how many
of them dropped in on him, so that
they brought little reminder. Soon
after o'clock his friends began to ar
rive. One man marched in with tin
pail, O woman came with rattle-b box,
and before o'clock the large table set
out for the display of presents con-
tanned one horn, two pals, three rattle
boxes, four or five pint cups, several
tin whistles and about twenty tin
pepper-boxes. The presents stopped
coming at s, but the crowd didn't.
They filed in until the Jonsop mansion
couldn't hold any more, and then they
sat in the windows, on the front steps
and hung to the gate. All went merry
as a marriage bell until Mira. Jonson
got ready to pass around the provisions,
when Mrs. Simpson threw one of the
pepper-boxes and hit Mr.. John Graner
in the stomach. Mr.. Graner retaliated
by throwing hunk of cake at the first
bald-head he saw, and then everybody
began to shout and throw things. Mr..
Jonson got upon a chair and said
I" Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me
pleasure to -" when fried cake
collided with his nose and he sat down.
The tin pals and cups described grace
full curves as they flew through the air,
and hunks of pumpkin pie flashed like
meteors for u moment and then went
"pat" against some ones head. In
their enthusiasm men got each other
down and clawed and kicked, and
women, with their eyes full of crumbs,
reached out and gathered in handsful
of hair. Mr.. Jonson tried to raise the
gentle voice OF remonstrance, and some
one stopped it with a flower vase, and
then nearly tore his ear off. The sofa
was overturned, the chairs pied, the
lamps smashed, and then the warm
hearted friends of Mr.. and Mrs. Jonson
fled out and called back that they hoped
the couple would live to hold hundred
tin weddings before they died.-De-
trOB Free Press.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20
An Ingenious AppeaI.

The captain of a certain British fri.
gate. man OF undaunted bravery, had
a natural antipathy to cat. A sailor
who, for some misconduct had been or.
dered fogging, saved his back by pre-
senting to his captain the following pc
tition
"By your honors command
culprit stand
An example to all the ships crew;
/ am pinioned and stript,
And condemned TO be whipt;
And If am hogged tits my due.
:" A cat, am told,
In adherence you hold
Your honors aversion is mine
If a cat with one tail
Makes your stout heart to fail,
q, save me from one that has nine 4"
The true northerner., 1874-11-20
Home Carpentry.

Very often a screw hole gets so worn
that a screw will not stay in. When
glue is handy, the regular carpenter
makes the hole larger and CLUES in a
large plug, making nest for an entire
ly new hole. But this is not always the
case, and people without tools, and in
an emergency, often have to fix the
thing at once. Generally leather is
used but this is so hard that it does not
hold we'll. The best of all things is to
cut narrow strips of cork, and fill the
hole completely. Then force the screw
in. This will make as tight a Job as il
driven into an entirely new hole.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20

The GREAT FAvoRITE The popular
Chill Cure of the age!! Composed OF pure
and simple drugs, Wilhoft's Tonic has long
held the highest place in the long line of
remedies for Chills ard Fever 1t is not only
Anti-Periodic but is Anti-Panic, for it curtails
the heavy expense of doctors visits, where
friendly calls ara all itemized in the account
current penny saved is q penny gained.
and saving it in this way adds to health and
comfort. Try Wilhoft's Touic as a certainty,
and you will never regret it. WHEELocK,
FINLAY q Co.. Proprietors, New Orleans.
For sale by all druggists
The true northerner., 1874-11-20

In France there are 30S children
born to every 100 marriages; in En-
gland, 392 in Russia, 472. In Pruss ia
507 children are born annually to eve nv
10000 persons f.; in England, 354 in
France, only 266.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20

UNDER the new management of Mr..
Frank w. Wentworth, the Sherman
House, at Chicago, recognizing the
popular demand for retrenchment, has
reduced its tariff of rates, and in cor
responding degree Increased its merits.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20

IT is so hard TO get linen collar
washed and ironed 30 as to look WE'LL We
advise every gentleman TO buy the Improved
Warwick. H. looks better than any linen
collar, fits splendidly, and keeps clean longer
than any other. Try it.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20

ACCORDING to the Grand Haven
(Mich.) Herald, the champion mover
left Ferrysburg, the other day, for
home at Maple Valley, where he intends
to " settle. He has been married seven
years and has six children, and has
moved "a times.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20

a. RgsENH HABIT CURED at Home. No
EnAEHU EzK Publicity. Terms nodoI ate Time
NIT 1EBHWE short. Four years of unparal-
va ~ EEc leled success. Describe case. 400
tStItomdis. Address Dr.. +. +. Marsh, Quincy, Mich
The true northerner., 1874-11-20

A SAN Francisco policeman who
was living at the rate of $40, 600 year,
was found to be in receipt of S75 day
for winking at Chinese gambling.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20

SENT free, on receipt OF neck and
breast measure, height, weight aud price our
(sample) Model 81 Shirt" Fitted by pa
tented model Stylish and substantial. Address
Model Shirt Co.. 81 South Sth-st.. Philadelphia.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20
Pianos and Organs.

Fine new rosewood pianos for $500.
Fine walnut organs, six stops, S125.
Good secondhand pianos, $3.50 TO 5000.
Reeds Temple of Music, Chicago.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20

This happy boy comes 10 young people with
good news-telling them that any one who sends
el.S5 10 Mr.. Alfred Martien, Philad e pha, will
not only get copy every week for whole year
o. that NICE little paper, THE YOUNG FOLKS
NEWS with the postage patio. but will also re-
ceive beautiful Oil Chrome Picture, taking their
choice Of four handsome Chromos, called " a
FrOiic tn the Woods ;'" 1.-The Boat II ACE ~
"GeitinE Ready for Sea,v and - The
Shipwreck." Or. If they will send rs cents
more-that ia S1.5O altoRether-they will get
with the paper the picture warm shed and mount
ed on a cardboard, ready for framing; or S1.75
viii procure ttcO Chromos mounted aud the paper
Tor one year, postage paid; or Sx.X5 Will procure
the four Chromos mounted and the paper for
year, postage paid. Mounted Chromos will please
best
Send Nree-cent stamp for a Specimen Number.
ALFRED MAKTIEN, Publisher.
2l South Seventh Street, PhiladeIphia.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20
The Prettiest xNomnn im ROW York, Mi Z

THE NORTHWESTERN HORSE NAIL Co. s
% Finished " Nail il tho best in the world.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20

NINE Sunday newspapers are now
published in Philadelphia.
The true northerner., 1874-11-20

DIR. J. Walkers CaIitiOrn;a i'm.
eyar Bitters are a purely Vegetable
preparation, made chiefly from TIE na.
tive herbs found on the lower ranvrs Of
the Sierra Nevada mountains O. Galilor.
MIA the medicinal properties Of which
are extracted theretrOm without LIZ use
of Alcohol. The question is l..nost
daily asked, What is the cause O., the
unparalleled success of VIEEGAK BIT
GERS" Our answer is, that they .ea.ove
che cause of disease, and the pa; aat re.
covers his health. They ars Z. -resa
blood purifier and life giving 9,acipls,
q perfect RenOvator and ingt.0ratO,
of the system. Mover before il too
history Of the world has a medicine oeeo
compounded possessing the teu Tkab,s
qualities of VINEGAR BITTERs in heaIny tts
sick OF every disease man is heir u. They
are gentle Purgative as we'll as , -onic,
relieving Congestion or inflammau0u OF
the Liver and vjseeral Organs 2 BiIouc
y leases.
The properties Of DR. WAlEER'S
fINkGAR BITTERs are 4.)erent, Biaguo.rtic,
Jarminatiye, Nutritious Laxative D.J.ecic,
cdatiye, Counter lrrHant, SudOuiS A rere.
1ve. and Anti Billions
IL. II. MCDONALD ~ CO..
Druggists and Gen. a CTS. san Francisco Cali. -nia
and cor. of Washington aud Charlton SITS \. J.
sold by al Druggists and Dealers-