The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-02-21

chine could be constructed that would
ran the jacket. as it.were, Ofthe young
M0d0r. aud yon see the result Of care
fill thought and stndy In the machine
before YOU as a spanking machine.
What change Instead Of dread-
ing the task of Furnishing scholars, and
shivering at the prospect of blistered
haIitls, she looks forward to the hour
for doing the days spanking with
feeling Of pleasure and gladness. and,
tile ffown formerly stetreotyped on
the face of the average school
ma am gives place 10 an angelic
smile. She seats herself ut the instru-
nent with a dime-noyel In her hand.
after nlaciug the condemned urchins
in row within reach of the hoistihg
apparatus, or ice tOrgs; she smiles.
roleles the snatch-brake with her foot.
and the doomed urchin Is launched
into-if not into eternity, he Will
think so before that hand lets up OH
him. With a smile playing over her
face she works her tiny hoof, ana the
avenging hand descends; the boy says
his Nov lay me" and the old ma
chine works as though endowed with
life. liberty. and the pursuit Of llappi-
ness. Care should be taken not to
work the machine too rapid,at first, as
It may make it hot for the boy. Or 1t
might telescope his spinal meningitis.
with fatal results. Any teacher can
work It all right after perchance kill
ing few scholars OF the cheaper kind.l
1t will only take a moment oftreading
| to make any boy sorry he enlisted,
when he can be dropped and the next
one snatthed. A whole school can be
spanked up in fifteen minutes, # the
teacher is anything ofa treader We
make different sized machines, suita-
Bile for the primary department., the
intermediate, and high school.
The ease with which this machine
can be changed from one thing to an
other will collyice the reader that II Is
almost human 1t will remind one Of
politician every time itchanges. To
change 1t from a spanking, machine to
a seli-nkpr all you have to do is to
unscr@ the "hand,r remove it and
screw on fine comb, change bands
with The boy, and proceed to search
! for things that live. move. and have a
being. aud bite boys heads. This
tends to relieve mothers Of much search
ing investigation, as the school-teacher
can by simply moving her feet keep
the heads Of all the urchins free from
the festive bug that at times makes
life burden. Don't you see?
Every editor in the land will thank
us on his hended knees for the inven-
tinn. as it solves a problem TINT has
disturbed the minds of the knights OF
the scissors for many generations,
viz: How to exterminate the ex-
change fie,d. the man who steals ex-
changes when you are busy writing.
The editor can have a machine sitting
IN his office. In place Of the hand OF
Providence. we screw on cast-iron
fist weighing 700 pounds. II You de-
sire simply to main the fiend for life,
yon work the treadle mildly, and only
mash bis eye ont, and italicize bis nose.
and break his iaw-bone. But II he Is
an old offender and yon want to make
an example of him, you keep treadtng,
and the pile driver will come down on
him and break every bone he has IN
his body.
10 transform the machine into a
hasll cutter it is only necessary to nil-
Joint the hand and put in its place an
ordinary chopping-knife. and set it
running. (Of course it isunderstoott
that the boy should be removed and a
piece Of beef hoisted in his place, M
less Won are fond OF boy hash.l W.
have testimonials from some OF the
best hotels in the State, where our ma
chine has been used as a hash cutter.
and they all unite In pronoInclng II
the most successful aid to the dissen'
nation Of meat that has lost its charm
tor boardprs tlrtt they ever saw. Ont
accident has occurred 50 far. At u
Madison hotel the proprietor had beer
chastising a dining-room girl with The
machine. and stepped out to see MAJ
leaving the girl hoistcd OF the ice
tongs. The cook took the machine 4
cut some hash. and forgot to take TIN
girI off. and she was cut finer thar
mustard seed. One Of the boarier
was first to discover the tragedy III
got piece of earring on his plate
The funeral was largely attended
! These accidents need not occur If tn
manipulation of the machine uses or
binary caution. ~
There Is no end to the uses to whicI
the machine can be put. Anything
: that requires strong horizontal mo
ton can be done better by machinery
and this machine will fiji . want lons
J felt. But it IL AS an nrchin-chastlse
i thar Its principal merit lies, AMI il
: which It's owners expect to amas~
fortune. 1t Il not only in the school
: room that the machine can. be 1tiliz'f1
/ but In the family. Any family tina
. has thirty-flve Or forty children ca'
! make d machine pay for Itself IN !
,,,,d ,bo vynY.ly viii he more salts