Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1874-08-24

SocIety obJects, among other things, to
the tide rising and falling on Sunday.
A rural eotemporary advises his read
ers not to 90 to New York. The streets.
he says, are infested with policemen.
A new book has already been announc-
ed Its title is to be Henry Ward
Beecher, or, Nest Hiding taught without
q master"
The excuse of q young lady to her
minister, who caught her mapping. was,
'.DOn't you think ladies had better be
fast asleep than fast awake -
Circumstances alter cases. For In
stance, when a Firginian arose and said.
Here's hundred dollar bill for the
old hoss behind the pulpit :" no one
thought of putting him out.
When you see man going home at
two o'clock in the morning and know
his wife is waiting for him, 1t is likely
to be stormy.
When a man receives q bill for goods
his wife has purchased unknown to him.
look out for thunder and lightning.
When man goes home and finds no
supper ready and fire out, his wife Wis
itlng the saloons with the rest of the
boys" 1t is likely to be cloudy.
A Mr.. Lorenzo Day was recently mar
ried to Miss Martha Weeks
A Day is made, Week is lost,
But time should not complain,
There'n soon be little days enough
To make the weeks again.
why, Iehabod, l thought you got
married more'n a year ago - We'll
Aunt Jerush. it was talked of. but
found out that the girl and all her folk:
were opposed to It, so I just give 'em al
the mitten and let the thing drop"
Another affecting extract from Phil
adelphia obituary poem has appeared
1t reads:
Put away those little breeches,
Do not try to mend the hole;
Little Johnny viii not want them.
He has climbed the golden pole.
A gentleman who was on a journey
became deeply engaged in thought, Eher
woman approached him and said, ''Sir
can open that window ?" He SLOWLY
drawled out, Il suppose you can if yol
bring your whole mind to it" She quick
" retorted, None Of your palaver, sir
for l am darned sick to my stomach"
A married lady, who is in the habi
Of spending most Of her time in the soei
ETY. of her neighbors, happened to be tax
en- Ill. and sent her husband in grea
haste for physician. The husband "a
short distance. and then returned, ez
claiming, MY dear, where shall / fin,
you when l come back ?"
The following is copy of an inscriE
ton on plaeard in New Orleans stor
window
the Peppermint Oil
( for
He'd axe
Belize -
Tooth -
this oil amy person fol
to have bottle in his pocket it will kun
amy kline sickness ware it happen.
A jealous but ignorant nigger preacl
er, in expounding to his fock the a
founding nature of miracles, got q triit
confused in the matter. He said: IN
beloved friends, de greatest oh all mir
cles was bout de 5000 loaves and ?, 2,OC
fshes-dere was 5000, an de mirac
is, dey didn't bust. -
A eouutryuan with his bride stoppt
at q Troy hotel the other day. At dn
ner, when the waiter presented bill
fare the young man inquired. s'What
that % That's bill Of fare" said L
waiter. The eountryman took it in b
hands, looked inquiringly at his Wit
and then at the waiter, and finally do
down into his pocket and inquired. 'Hc
much is it 2
There is nothing like dressing 70
local items IN rhetorical fnery, even
you have to come to plain English
the end. See an example An Oswe
paper describes a fire BY saying th
-sthe red flames danced In the heave
and flung their fry arms about like
! black funeral pail, until Sam Jones g
upon the roof and dashed them out VI
, pail of water"
J A farmer wanted farmland, a
! was applied TO by an Irishman who wal
ed TO work. The farmer objected to e
gazing Pat on the ground that two Iri:
men previously IN his employ had di
on his hands Then you OBJECT to b
ing me for that, do YEP" said P
Faith and | can bring you rieommer
ations from many place where Ia
worked that ! never played such trick
, One day last week young coul
went to justice Of the peace in Oseeo
: Iowa, and were married On the v
home the groom took occasion to
r down the law 70 his young wife, and
z formed her what she must and what :
= must not d. A row naturally ensu
and 1.-The bride Of an hour" returned
her fond parents, while the groom sta
ed West to grow up with the country
a sehool-boy. being requested to VI
a composition on the subject Of PIN
[ produced the following: s.Pins are v
useful They have saved the lives
many men. women and chIldren-in I
whole families" How 50 /? asked
puzzled teacher And the boy repli
Why. by not swallowing them" I
matches the story Of the other boy, '
!. defined salt as '.the stuff that makes
tatOes taste bad when you don't put
1ur -