Montgomery County sentinel. [volume] (Rockville, Md.) 1855-1974, 1874-07-10
Selected Ali5tellaup,
SOLOMON SWALLOW.
"Rule wife, and have a wife. ;

Solomon was bachelor, and a rusty
one too; but nevertheless he had made
up his mind to one thing, that he was
the only man living who had acquired
any knowledge of the art of taking care
of wife.
"All married men are dots," was
Solomon's constant asseveration. There,
for instance, is my neighbor, Tom Tan
gible; his wife makes sort of three
legged stool of him, she moves him in
one corner, and then in another, and sits
on him, and walks on him as if he was
nobody in the house, while he, poor man,
takes it as easy as though it was the most
natural thing in the world Now that
were only Tom Tangible, I'd first write
series of matrimonial articles, and if
Mrs. 7. didn't abide by them, I'd sub
NIT her to the wholesome discipline of
bread and water and a paddock and
might, perhaps, brighten her ideas touch
ing her conjugal duties by the application
OF good cowhide. And there again,
are Evert Easy. Dick Shocks. and host
more of them in the same condition, but
I'm the boy that will set them all
right, if they only follow my example
after have condescended to cndow some
fortunate female with the legal claim to
the title of Mrs. Swallow"
Brave Solomon Swallow q
"Well, Solomon" said neighbor to
him one morning, Gas you are always
boasting of your skill in managing Il
wife, how comes it that you're not mar
ried p
"Why, because I have not perfected
my system You pokcd your head into
the moose without making any prepare
ton, and hence, Mrs. Everly makes
what she likes Of you. But | 90 to work
logically, begin by studying the eruditc
works of Hinggrubazo On the philoso-
ply of women's holding her tongue. |
then read several treatiscs on the effect
of bread and water discipline in making
good wives Shakespeare's Tanning
the Shrew' furnishes me few excellent
practical lessons. And / am now gem
eralizing all the system into one, which
will carry the sway in all future genera
tions, and convert the plague of matri-
mony into blessing. In the course Of
year or so" added Solomon, "My Rules
for the Regulation Of women, Ct intend
to publish iD will be completed and then
] shall take me wife"
And Solomon was as good as his word
for at the age of thirty-Gve, feeling him
self prepared to give battle to any woman
in or out Of the land Of Amazons, be got
married. At this important period Solo
mon was puffy, comfortable looking
little fellow as you'd meet in days
walk, for albeit the crown of his head
never stood full five feet from the heels
of his boots, he was of proportion that
would have done honor to an alderman
or even Lord Mayor; and his gait,
when walking with anything
in the likeness of woman, was as POM
pous as Sultan's, while at such times
his countenance always assumed an ex-
preston that could not have brooked the
the approach of female familiarity. The
lady whom Solomon had chosen for his
"'i"Ni hdh, "a9 apparently idhD
like creature, so that the chances were
very fair that she would not only be
wife, but that Solomon would
require no help from his system to make
her so.
Now Solomon bad the forbearancc not
to interfere with his lady, or her sayings
and doings on the night of. the wedding,
nor is it recorded that he assumed spe-
cial authority on the next night either
but about six o'clock the next morning,
be softly insinuated to his sleeping part
ner that it was time to get up.
"And," he added, "when breakfast is
ready, you may call me, but be sure not
10 burn the toast"
Breakfast aud toast" said Mrs
Swallow, why what do you mean 2"
why, my dear---I mean, madam,
that have begun my system"
"And won't you get up, too ?"
eyes, when breakfast is ready aud my
aired p
Mrs. Swallow was about to reply but
she checked herself, as she was ashamed