The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1874-01-12
THE PRESS.
MONDAY MORNING, JAN. 12. 1874

THE PRESS.
MONDAY MORNING, JAN. 1s. 1874
Gossip and Gleanings.
baby at night.
A distasteful duty should receive our first
and most careful attention.
A sign in a BARRIERS shop window announc-
es, 'Boots BACKED inside" 1t is suggested
that this must be very bad for the stockings.
1t Is easy to remember the poor" these
hard times. A fellow don't have to 90 away
from home to do it.
Fortune and fame
From nothing squeamish rise;
Steal every chance
There all the profit lies
A prudent matchmaking mamma gave the
following candid advice to her daughter; "Oh
marry the man you love, girl, if he is as rich
as CresUs."
can hohest fellow here is laid,
His debts in full he always paid;
And what's more strange, the neighbors tell us,
He brought back borrowed umbrellas"
The virtues Of slippery iron plates in side
walks, in assisting pedestrians to an involun.
tary seat, are becoming more and more con-
spicuous.
A WAGNER passing store was asked wha1
he had in his wagon. He replied
Three-fonrths of across and circle complete.
An upright, where two semi.circes do meet;
A rectangle triangle standing on feet,
Two semi-circles and a circle complete
A veteran officer observes: sT never place
reliance on man who is telling what he
would have done mad he been there. 1 have
noticed that somehow this kindof people new
er do get there"
A Chinaman stepped into jewelry store
in San Francisco and inquired IL they had any
'consistencies." On being asked to explain
himself, he didn't know what consistency
was, but had been told it was a jewel.
Sir Walter Scott relates that, when some
one was mentioned as a ''iine old man. TO
Swift, he exclaimed with violence that there
was no such thing; II the man you speak of
had either mind or a body worth a fArthing
they would have worn him out loag ago.
A young lady wishing for situation, was
recently Interested in an advertisement fol
some one 10 do light housekeeping" -
she wrote 10 the advertiser, asking where an
lighthouse was, and II there was any way o
getting TO shore on Sundays.
II fear" said a eountry minister 10 h,
congregation, "when I told You In my las
charity sermon that philanthropy was tbs
loveof our species some must have understood
me 10 say specie, which may account for thu
smallness Of your contributions"
A sensation preacher, assuming dramatic
attitude, exclaimed, ia a startling, agonizing
tone, 'What is that l see thereg' Here a
little old woman in black cried out in a shrill,
treble tone, ''It's nothing bur my little, black
dog: he won't bite anybody"
young man out in search of his fathers
lost pig. near Scrantan, Pa, accosted an
lrishman along the road with, ''Have you
seen a stray pig about here?'' '.Faith," said
Pat, ''and how could tell stray pig from
another?'
An amateur sportsman went hunting the
other day. He only fired one load, and
brought all the shot home with HMM his
left leg-all but four grains, and his dog
caught them in his ear. There is such a
thing being too economical.
Said professor in college to a notorious
laggard who was once. for woIder, prompt
ly in his place at morning prayers, at the ap-
pointed time time, Il marked you, sir, as
punctual, this morning. What is your ex-
cuse ?" 'S-s-sick, sir, and couldn't sleep.''
was the reply.
A Hartford gentleman who had tarried late
at wine supper found his wife awaiting his
return in high STATE of nervousness. Said
she. "Here I've been waiting and rocking in
chair till my head spins round like topp'
'Jess so where Pve been," responded he
s'its in the atmosphere
sIn life's great game poker" as the aged
minister tearfully observed in his funeral dis
course, sour deceased brother has thrown
down his hand, which, permit me to say
brethren, was equal to four aces and queen
he has surrendered his chips, drained his
glass to the dregs, and walked out"
At least one Paris duel has ended well.
The duellists met. The one fred hastily, the
other quietly lowered his pistol. ''Tell me
what you are thinking about before send
you out of the world?" 'Iw was thinking"
was the reply, ''that if were in your place
wouldn't fire." His antagonist Laughed, and
that was the end it.
The hen fever, which has prevailed to some
extent in this village, is abating. One man
who has kept debit and credit account OF
his ''hen money!" finds that thirty-five hens
have netted just thirty-four cents during the
year, above the cost of keeping But
calculating the number of miles travel
which they have caused, at four cents per
mile, and he finds balance against each hen
of one dollar and ninety-seven cents. He will
not cultivate hens next year.-Dorer Obseru-
er.
THE SCARLET FEvER.-Robert Christie,