Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1874-08-20
Josh Billings Guide to Helth.

.
Be honest if VI kan, if W kant be hon
est pray for help.
Eat fish twice d week, if yu kant gi
fish, cit herring.
Allwuss be polite, it kosts nothing anC
will konyince more people than logicl
will
Allwuss drink water if u kan Git if
If yu kant git it drink milk and water.
Marry yUHg and if yumake q hit, keel
cool and don't brag about it.
Never say No" if yu kan help it
and grease yure boots regIar SATURDAY
nights.
Take at least one good nuzepaper anC
pay for it in advanse.
Eat rhi bread and onions and don't fai
10 chew them well.
Battle thoroly once a week in softt
water and kastcel sope, and avoid titt
boots.
Exercise in the open air, but don't saw
wood until WI are obliged to.
Avoid hot bred and terrapins for sup.
per, and don't mix yure cowcumbers anG
cheeZe together.
Follow the fashions just cIuss enuf not
10 be called eXcentrik
Don't fret and worry, kare haz been
known to Kill a large-sized tom kat
Laff every time yu feel tickled and lafl
once in q while emmy how
Don't philosophical too mulch, philoso-
ply il one ov the luxurys ov life.
Eat hash washing days, and he thank
phull, if yu hav to shut yure eyes to
do it.
Hold the baby half the time, and all
Wuss start the fire in the morning and
put on the tea-kittle
Don't jaw back-it only proves that
70 are az big a phOol az the other DhelIo.
Liy within yure inkum, but alwuss
spend all that yu can afford to.
Take no medisin-a diseaze that WI
kant prevent yu kan seldom kure.
Listen with both eyes and ears, and
talk more to pleZe others than to pleze
Yourself
Be charitable, but don't let your sym
pathy make phool of yure sense.
Sleep on hard bed, and don't eat a
seckond time what yu kno haZ hurt yu
once.
Allwuss inquire the price ov a thing
before yu buy it, and never buy emmy
thing just bekause yu think it IL cheap.
Never borrow what yu are able to buy,
and alwuss hav sum things that yu wont
lend
Read sum, think good deal, and keep
yure eyes and ears wide open kontinu-
ally
Never trust man who haz deceived
yu once, but don't let him kno that yu
suspekt him.
Never gossip nor kriticiZe yure Majors.
The chances are that yure nabOrs are
full az good az yu are.
Eat no billed lobster, nor even billed
owl, just before going to bed, unless yu
want to see how yure CRATE grandmOth-
CT looks
BE kind to everything Better throw
a bone to a strange dog than paving
stun.
Be simple az a child, and yu will be
astonished to see how fast yu inkrease
in wisdum
Never git in hurry, yu kan walk a
good deal further in a day than yu can
run.
Don't sware, it may convince yu, but it
IL sure not to convince others.
When yu grease yure boots use mutton
fallo, injun rubber and rosin billed to-
gether
If yu hav dauters let yure wife bring
them up, if she haz got common sense
she kan beat all yure theorys.
Never promis a boy a good thrashing
and disappoint him, he will loze all kOn-
tidence in yu if yu do.
Don't drink too mulch slider, and how
ever mean yu may be, don't abuze a COW
Luv and respekt yure wife emmy how,
it IL a good deal cheaper than to be all
the time wishing she was sum how diff
rent.
When you eat puddin and milk, take
small mouthfuls and don't keep eating
until yu slop over.
BE virteuous and yu will be happy; if
yu amt, the fault will be in the virteu,
not W.
Don't never endorse a note for emmy
man; if yu do, l hope yu will have to
pay it.
Stay at home mites, and if yu kant find
emmy thing else to do, play leap frog with
yure young ones.
Save yure shoes for Sunday, and don't
be ashamed Of yure poor relashuns.
Don't hay emmy rules for long life that
yu won't break; be prepared to-day to
die tomorrow IL the best kreed for long
life llno ov.
Don't diskount emmy thing; the best
time to kount yure chickens IL after they
are Matched and hay got to be about six
weeks old.
Keep yure he'd cool and yure feet dri
and breath thru yure noze az mulch az
yu kan.
Don't be 4 clown if yu kan help it
people don't respekt emmy thing mutcl
ihat they can only laf at.
Never Civ up emmy thing until tht
game IL played klean out; hav seen tn.
turkey won when every boldly had civ
him up for lost.
Expel1t but little, and if yu don't gi
nothing yu wont be very badly beat
Don't brag on yure relashuns, try to be
worthy ov them, and at the same time
hope and pray that they wont do emmy
thing to disgrase the family.
Don't be sertain of ennything until VI
hay got it, set on it, and nourish it as the
hen doth the egg.
Never beleave more than half that emmy
man tells yu, and don't even beleave that
II he offers to Sware to it.
If yu kant git half a loaf take whole
one, a whole loaf is better than no bread
Don't miss any plum, not if yu hav tc
go ten miles out Ov yure way to find it.
Take llare of yureself fust, and just az
soon az yu kan after that take kare oN
sumboddy else
If VII hay done wrong own 1t; it IL bet
ter to bak out ov emmy thing than to lie
yure way thrue it.
Don't keep but one dog, thareiz no MAJ
but pauper able to keep three.-N. I
Weekly.
4 Peculiar Mare.