The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-08-01


policemen can move with astonishing rapidity
Night before last he ran mile in three minutes
under the belief that a burglar was after him.
On. Times.
The fate of the Kilkenny cats Is often alluded
to, but one seldom sees history Of that famous
scrimmagc more succint and spirited than tho
following:
There onst was two cats in Kilkenny,
And ach thought there was one cat too many;
So they quarre!ed and it
And they gouged and they bit,
TIL, excepting the nails
And the tips of their tails,
Instead of two cats, there wasn't any.
The Springfield Rlpublicaa gays The New
port girls have taken to bathing in pubic with
out fig leaves, and one Of the papers mildly says
it would seem that this thing has gone far
enough and needs looking after" We fear that
it will get altogether too much looking after.
Perhaps though, II is II sLrewd invention Of the
hote! Keepers who wish to give Newport n rcpu-
tation for picturesqueness.
In response to the query, "Wl Victoria make
sartoris baronet?" Il Michigan paper says:
"lhose who saw him around here las. summer
with his bull pup, looking after section 3, are Of
the opinion that the title should be conferred on
the animal"
The following from the Morris Herad is sug
gestlye, in reference to the street COW nuisance:
The other morning we saw four street COWS
weeping over the loss of their caudal appcnda-
ges--one was reeking with blood, fresh from the
guillotine. just outside the gate near by stood
the executioner, woman with big cheese
knife in hand The look of triumph on her face
as she brandished the gittering steel, saying she
guessed that COW would let her cabbages and
other garden sass alone for the rest OF this sum-
mer brought to mind the words Of Shakespeare
Lay on, McDuf, and damned be he who first
cries, hold enough"
The hope Of the country rests upon the rcpnb
lcan party.--J0l,et Sun.
Then God save the country, Let us pray
wa. Herdld.
An officer in the Washington navy. yard an
nounces that lie has an old and reliable bunion
which be is DESTROYS to exchange for more
modern sort Of barometer that will not ret so
oxcietd at every little shower that comes up.
There is good boy in Lisbon, If we may be.
lieve the Lewiston Jourad,, who, when he found
his aged mothers Bible was of too fine print
for her falling eyesight, sold the book and
bought a base ball bat and four sticks of chew
ing candy
How sweetly sang Shelly
We know not where we go, or what sweet dream
May pilot No through caverns strange and fair
OF far ard painless passion.
But we do know that Sliced cucumbers, mpru. |
IDENTIFY INDUCED in, will often double us up quite
unexpectedly and make us yearn for glorious |
hsrca ter.-Brooklyn Argus.
i: Is so hot down in Texas that they want to
die, and they sing
Shoot me dead with q crowbar,
stab me to death with Il hoe
Batter my brains with sunhowCr,
And get me rid OF this woe
man out in Iowa, according to the Burling.
ton UGlrkzye died recently, who had taken his
county paper for twelve years without paying
for il. Upon the day of his burial, the kind. |
hearted forgiying editor called to see him for
the last time, and stuffed linen buster and |
couple Of palm.caf hats into his coffin He
was preparing him for warmer climate
], is said that Dr. Mary Walker now carries a |
pistol for newspaper men. We have ALWAYS |
spoken Of that beautiful and accomplished phy. |
stefan with the highest spect.-Lou;sC,ib Cou,.
.cf-Joar1dI.
san Francisco reporter blushcd at some re.
marks u Victoria Woodruff, and was promptly
discharged by his employers for conduct unbe.
comi4c Journalist"
One Of the hottest days OF this hottest of sum
ners, the Philadelphia Ledgci's obituary poet,
with his head encased in ice produced the fol-
lowing
Four doctors tackled Johnny Smith
They blistered and they bled him;
With squls aud anti -bilious pills
And ipecac they fed him.
They stirred him up with calemcl,
And tried 10 move his liver:
Bat all in vain; his little soul
Was waited DER the river.
They nave heaps OF fun those men in charge
81 the freight trains on the T., p. ~ W. railroad
according 20 the III Paso Journal, which thus re.
iaieE the trials Of freight train:
When the conductor was ready to go, the
t-akesnlan was est, and after long search
he was discovered guiiawing a. the antics of the
clown in circus. After the train had started, |
be attempted 10 square the matter up with his |
recreaat subordinate. Result-the brakeman
pa, q head on the conductor with his lamp, and
the conductor knocked the "twister" of the top |
81 the ear. The fellow lit in the mud and walk
e3 back 70 Fl Paso. While the conductor WI |
soaking his head and throat In whisky in the ca. |
boose the engineer went back 10 take the con |
ductor's place, leaving his fireman 10 do double |
duty. The train broke in two and the engine |
ran ahead some distance before it was discover
ed; and there was genuine fun 10 pay sure
enough.
Ali the fault Of the Changers, OF course.
Inc young iady IN tonnccle nt VINO has under
taken 10 collect million Of postage stamp, after
four years Of patient industry, is said TO have
brought her accumulation 30 a trile over 90o,-
coo, and expects to complete the job within year
A Connecticut chap, who aspires to her hand, TO
show how well be deserves it, is engaged in ac-
eumu;ating million Of cigar stumps. This lat
Ter statement We suspect, however, Is by way OF
rid;cule, though, II the stamps the young lady is
collecting are uHcancellcd, We don't see where
the laugh comes In. lady with million Of
stamps :rough they rnay be but three -en,ers.