Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1874-11-02
LOVES vAGARIES.

Cupid's queer little cuss, and the
older he grows the crankier he is. He's
bigger fool-maker to-day, than he was
four thousand years ago, when he induced
Sampson, the mighty man of God. to lay
his wool and his glory in the lap of a
half-nigger Delilah. He's more eyre
giOus ninny-breeder now, than wheE he
led all Homer's heroes on that wild Gre
clan bender after the Elizabeth Tilton of
the Trojan era. He's more inefable
idiot-manufacturer this moment, than be
was twenty centuries agone, when he
wheedled Mark Anthony into casting a.
side the scepter of the world, for the
smiles of a happy -pated Egyptian wench.
He's more unconscionable heather amid
all our nineteenth-century blaze of Cos
pei light and liberty. than when he and
his scantily-clad mamma, Mrs. Venus,
led the pagan orgies of Athenian dam
sells, beneath the shade of ancient olive
groves Hes creations marplOt, digni-
tvs dethroner, reasons upsetter and scotf-
er. Fang of hydrophobic cur never
punched as many madcap fancies into
its victims carcass, as the slightest
Craze Of his tiny molssses-candy shafts.
Aged senators. slightly stricken. oil their
rusty joints, dye their scanty hoar locks,
pad their shrunken calves, and caper
like hand organ monkeys. Old woman,
tootkless and shriveled. touched by the
pestiferous archer. plaster their grave
yard eountenances with enamels and
paints enough to gorge a Kickaboo camp,
swing gawds and gewgaws to every a.
vailable proturberance. pile on sweet
sixteen toggery, and smirk and giggle
in style that would drive whole Bed
lam of ordinary lunatics to suicide The
bigger the folly, the surer the stroke.
No man ever was truly in love who did
not make an ass of himself: and the
huger the ears, the purer the flame. No
woman ever loved. who wasn't prepared
to discount whole as-silly-um of man
lacs. No freak is too wild, no vagary too
monstrous. Tom Thumbs pine for she-Go-
liaths Sons of Anak wed human hum
ming birds. Mighty Drained heroes and
statesmen rave over inane little butter
flies, puny wax dolls, and butter-faced
plgmies. Kings bow down to ballet
dancers. and queens take refuge in the
arms Of cocks and coachmen. And in
all climes. in every condition and estate,
+LA ---sl n 4-ssii-,4. 4,,l e.asIir.1s4s
have hard road to travel
Alabama has just furnished first
class sample ofthe diminutive rosebud or
cabbage head infesting gizzard splitter's
tricks Every newspaper reader in
America remembers how a few months
ago. Congressman Sloss. of Tuscumbia,
put thirteen buckshot into the carcass of
young fellow named Long. for defaming
the character of his daughter, Mamie
Sloss. None but ignoramuses viii be
surprised to learn that Long recovered
from his multifarious wounds, and has
since married the girl, for infamously
sfandering whom he got lead-mine
started in his anatomy. That is just
the case. 1t seems that Long only In
tended, by the circulation Of the base re-
ports. to bring the young lady into such
disrepute that her parents might consent
to her union with him. She, evidently,
was far from considering herself aggriev-
ed by his naughty stories, but had Long
ing all the time to be along with him.
The old folks. perceiving the strange
infatuation Of their daughter. kept her
under strict Surveillance But father
Sloss, having renewed his congressional
aspirations, left her under the charge
of her mamma, and sailed forth to en-.
counter the sterner matters Of . hot po-
litical campaign. Motherly vigilance
didn't equal daddy care. The Gagged
bird asked to be allowed TO step dowI
stairs and get drink of water. She
went. and went on, and never stopped
venting until she had her beloved ira
ducer along by her side, before I
magistrate, who had just pronounced
the magic words that made them MAJ
and wife, when the wrathfui mothei
arrived on the scene with pair Of 81
shooters In her clutches. Shs mad
desperate efforts TO render her daughte
widow and her hopeful son-in-law al
angel But it was too late. The curtain
had fallen on the second act Of TIN
interesting drama Cupid fourishes hi
Liiipution tadpole sticker and scant lac
handkerchief in triumph; and now
Congressman Sloss feels that be made
useless expenditure Of thirteen excellen
buckshot and blasting powder TO match
The following romance is fathered b
1