The weekly Oskaloosa herald. [volume] (Oskaloosa, Iowa) 1855-1885, 1874-02-26

tues-falth, hope and rhlrlry Fat.
in Yourself, hope tor CD aper tam
machinery, aud charity fer the hgut
ning-rod peddler. You will now bt
harnessed, an6 in representation o
the horse, Pegasus, will be tested a,
to endurance and wind.
The candidate is here attached to
"a small imitation plow, by means OF
a hempen harness. A dried pumpkin
vine is put in his mouth for bit and
bridle-he is made TO get down upon
all fours, the guide seizes the bride,
and urged on by granger armed
with Canada thistle, which he
vigorously applies at the terminus OF
the spine, the candidate is galloped
three times around the room. While
making the circuit the members arise
and sing:
Get up and duet the bully boy
who wouldn't be a grangerf
tne thlstlee prick don't cause you Joy,
10 teeiing you must be estranged, ahl
After this violent exercise ne is
rubbed dry with corn-cobs, beeswax-
ed where thistled, and brought stand d.
ing up before the great chief-the
most worshiptul pumpkin head.
M. W. p. H.-Why do you desire
to be graDgerP
Candidate-(a answering for him
selD-That may learn to extinguish
sewing machine agents.
M. W. p. H.-Have your hands
been hardened with toll
Candidate-Not extensively. but
then | am not running for office.
nj. W. p. Hts well, for our
lodges contain several who are sup.
posed to be ready to sacrifice them
selves for the good of their constitu-
ents. Do You feel pretty smart this
evening?
M. w. p. H.-(savageIy)-Give
me chew of tobacker!
Candidate searches himself thor.
oughly, but as there is no place about
him to stick pocket, tries to ex
plain, but the most worshipful pump.
kin head interrupts him with:
Never mind, my dear young friend
i am we'll aware that in your
present condition you can no more
furnish your friends with the weed
than Adam could be comfortable in
in plug hat and tights. 1t is merely
to teach you the great lesson of
economy-doing to others as you'd
like to have them do to you. You
will now be conducted to the most
eminent squash producer, who will
teach you the grand hailing sign of
distress. The sign, ray worthy
brother, will insure you against m any
of the ills of the agriculturist-
amongst others, against droutbs and
beng bit by the ferocious grass-hop.
per-
The candidate is now conducted to
the most eminent squash producer,
who thus says: 'My worthy brother,
| will now invest you with the order
Of the festive Ploughboy, which you
have well won by your heroic
achievement while harnessed-may
you ever wear it with pleasure to
yourself, and may it be a means of
terror to your enemies
The M. E. s. p. then proceeds
to invest the candidate with the
regalia Of the festive Ploughboy,
which consists of a long tomato neck
lace.) 'Tbe grand hailing sign of
distress is made by gently closing
the eye, laying the right forefoger
alongside the nose, and violently
wagging the ears. 1t requires prac.
tice, but the advantages are intense.
IL also has an important Specification,
which you will do well to heed. The
closing of the eye signifies that in all
your dealings with mankind you are
bound to have an eye to business.
Laying the finger alongside the nose
is emblematical of wisdom, and
places you at once among the know.
ing ones This is extremely handy
in prognosticating new weather, and
saves the wear and tear Of almanacs.
Wagging the ears signifies sublimity
of purpose, and it is thought to be
emblematical of schildhood's happy
hours 1t is also supposed by some
profound scholars to have distinct
reference to apple dumplings, but
this fact is somewhat obscure by the
dust of ages. In token that you are
one of US, you will now be branded.
This ceremony is very impressive,
and consists of two brands. They
are both applied while the iron is
hot and consist of one letter of the
alphabet each. The first is large
letter S, on which you will please sit
while the other letter is applied to
the stomach. The letter S, my
worthy chicken, signifies s;ooped,
and refers to railroad monopolies.
1t is also supposed to indicate the
seat of learnlng-the spot where the
old-time teacher hunted for brains
with the ferule. The second letter is
G, and is applied, as / said before, to
the stomach. 1t has double mean
ing. First, the application is an
agricultural one, 'corncrib,' and has
reference to the stomach as being the
great receptacle for Bourbon whisky.
But, brother, do not be diligent in
finding home market for your corn.
The second application of the letter
G, my distracted infant, is got hold
of as follows: When one grange,
desires to ascertain 'for sure if there
is another of the order in the room,
he raises himself gently by the slack
of his-3f his unmentionables-
scratches his off thigh with the near
hoof, and remarks in voice oil
thunder: Are there any grangere
about? The answer is 'Jeese wax.
The inquirer then says, 'let us see
(Ietter c. and the other party must
Immediately pull out his stomach
and disclose the brand.
These brands are applied in such
a manner that | am enabled to as
sure you that they will wash.
| was here interrupted, Mr.. Editor
by volley fred into the open win
dow, evidently intended tor me
Fortunately l escaped without &
scratch, and which is of more conse
quence, succeeded in fetching off m
precious manuscr pit. This is abou
all there is in the ceremony of any
mportance-I must leave the country
at once-armed men are at my heel
they know that | am writing to ex
pose them. You may hear from m,
again by mail, il / should deem
best to expose the other degrees