Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1874-03-05
PHUNNYGRAMS.

PHUNNlGRAMS.
The Irishman who was accused of
imbibing too many juleps declared that
he mint well.
An unfortunate swain, who was kicked
out OF the house by his sweetheart's stern
parent the other night, declares it to have
been quite exiting.
"A stingy husband accounted for all
the blame of the lawlessness OF his chill
dren in company by saying his wife al
ways gave them their own way. & Poor
things! It's all I have to give them"
was the prompt reply.
Says the Milwaukee Sentinel: IN
old Milwaukee hummer, when he read IN
Yesterdays Sentinel that the women in
Ohio are emptying barrels of whisky into
the cutters, pathetically exclaimed, What
happiness to be an Ohio gutter?"
Inspired being: Whence, oh
whence, ladies, whence, oh whence came
the marvellous instinct that prompted the
minute being originally contained in this
fragile shell to burst the calcarlous en-
velop that secluded it from the glories of
the outward world?" Chorus of admir-
ing ladies: Whence, oh whence, indeed,
Mr. Honeycomb?" Master TommT:
"Perhaps the little Geggar was afraid
he'd be boiled"
Yesterday the little son of one Of our
citizens, while playing with his sister,
bright, sweet child of five summers, got
hold of his fathers gun, which had been
left carelessly standing in the kitchen by
the thoughtless parent, pointed the gun at
his playmate, and, saying jokingly, "Ill
kill vou!" pulled the trigger. What must
have been that boys feelings when he
found that he had lied, that the gun was
not loaded, and that his innocent little
sister had knocked portion of his nose
off with stick Of wood.-Missourt Bruins
| aoicker.
There is nothing so helpful to a man,
| and especially to farmer, as a thrifty
housewife. His wife may be beautiful
and loving and accomplished, graceful,
cheerful, faithful, still he will find there
are many flaws in the domestic economy
unless, with her other qualifications, she
COM ines the happy faculty of imparting
the glow of youth to the aged fowl and
of so proportioning pound of butter to
a barrel of salt as will enable her to real
ize for the salt in the market twenty-five
cents per pound
The Latest on Jenkins. ~" jenkins"
is an exceedingly tall man. No sooner
| had he received an invitation to attend
the masquerade than he quickly determ-
ined to &c. His wife thought she wouldn't
and concluded during Jenkins alb
sence to satiate her literary appetite by
attending the lecture. Here is wherein
Jenkins" was deceived, for the lady
went to the house of a friend, dressed
herself in an elegant and becoming cos
| TO ln nd
"Jenkins'' in the full height of his glory
She approached him with a pleasant
voice and Jenkins was smitten. No one
but the two can ever know the sweet
words that passed between them thatnight.
Mrs j. went home before the party I'm
masked. Jenkins was trying all the rest
of the evening to find out who that sweet
creature was. He thought of her in his
dreams that night, and when the morrow
came he was modestly informed that the
charming girl was his whe.-Quanca
EUel5ng CdU
A recent medical writer says: "Sleep
wherever you can-anywhere when you
get chance; the want of the age is Sleep"
This is not always safe to follow, as one
of our toWnsmen (says a contemporary
knows to his sorrow. He was recently
| afflicted with a bad cold, and to cure
himself of it resorted to the remedy OF
putting his feet in hot water and drink
ing tumbleful of strong whisky toddy,
prescribed by an aged and respected
friend of the family. Having got every
thing in order for carrying out the pre-
scription, he sat down by the fire, his feet
immersed in warm water and tumbler
of smoking toddy by his side. In this
condition sense of enjoyment stole over
him as he slipped the exh1larating liquid
and he fell asleep. His wife had gone to
bed, and on awakening about three
O'Clock in the morning wondered why
she was alone. Going down stairs she
was Mortified to find her liege lord asleep
in his chair, the fire out, his feet still
immersed in the water, over which cake
of ice was forming, and an empty tumbler
on the chair beside him. His cold isn't a
bit better.