Northern Ohio journal. [volume] (Painesville, Ohio) 1872-1896, 1874-01-24

daylight, bun the lamp-lighter came out
and lighted the lamps. The lamps did
not make it any clearer, though. They
only struggled with the fog little
ways, a few feet or so, in kind of dull,
brassy glare, and then gave 1t up dis
gusted. looked out at the dense, unu-
sual fog, till it somehow must have
flowed In among my brains. My wits
and my wondering became more and
more slow and lazy, until at last I re-
member / only had wits enough left to
say to myself, Wonder what Old Prob
abilities thinks of this weather?
My brain was rs full of fog as it
could possibly hold. Then the fog, the
weather, the mud, Old Probabilities and
all, faded quite away, and / remember
nothing more, absolutely nothing of the
world Of realities. A dream came DER
my spirit, and change came DER the
spirit of my dream.
I was dead.
At least I had been dead. Through
some occult process of Development,
whether mechanical, spiritual or chem
ical process, know not, l was alive
again. Whether it was Darwinical
development onward and upward, OF
whether 1t was Brahninical develop
ment downward and backward, also
know not, but I found, to my ineffable
surprise, that the ancient doctrine OF the
transmOgrificatiou of souls was correct.
That transmogrifieation / had expert
enced, in my own soul.
was a man.
I, event, took long steps and walked
abroad in the distinctive habliments of
the godless-that is to say, godlike mas
culine gender. ] wore chimney pot
hat upon my head, and carried a little
wisp of cane In my hand, and thanked
| God that wasn't born woman--Wheu-
ever ! thanked Him for anything. I
| was a handsome young fellow with q
thin white mustache, which I dyed
black, and rejoiced, oh, young man In
my youth. wore lovely red and yell
low oriental scarf inside my coat-collar,
gracefully folded across paper shirt
bosom, and l had great laundering big
sleeve-buttons, with deaths head and
cross-bones on 'em. 1 hitched my inn
mense sleeve-buttons into immense pa
per cuffs. and reioiccd in my spotiess
| linen. Upon the third finger Of my left
hand / wore a sparkling ring, contain
| ing glass amethyst as large as a nut
meg. I was a philosopher and think
er, and wrote for the press sometimes
and one of my favorite themes was fem
mime false hair and paint, and feminine
| love of finery. When l spent two hours
at my toilet. and afterward walked
down Fourth street for an airing Of an
afternoon. clad in my most stunning kid
gloves and neck-tie,. it appeared to me
that the display of feminine vanity
which witnessed was absolutely start
ling and saddening. / was at the sweet
and wise age of twenty-three, and lived
in place called Cincinnati.
My name was Squiggs.
What Squiggs-that was I--dlidu t
know, wasn't worth spending time te
learn, especially OH the vexed woman
| question. The wisdom of Solomon was
| fOolishness compared to the wisdom ol
Squiggs. When made my toilet to take
an airing OH Fourth street, to witness
the display Of feminine vanity and ex.
travagance. it was my custom to toss tiit
wet to wells across the room in one cor
ner, throw the blacking-brush in anoth.
er, leave the boot.jack OH the toilet Ia
Bile, and the wash basin invariably ful
of dirty water, all for my mother or sis
ter to come ia and clear up after me-
1t seemed kind of queer to me to be leav
ing things in such a topsy-turvy; but
was man, you know. My gloriou:
masculine intellect was little too glori
Gus for me to put paltry combs ant
brushes In their places.
SQuiggs-that was Twas popular
among the young ladies'; at least
thought was. Evening after evening
spent in ladies' society, and who sc
neat in his dress, so polite in his man
ners as 1-Squiggss When wor,
bosoms and cuffs which weren't paper
how l used to rage at my mother ant
sister If, perchance, those cuffs ant
5osoms were not glossy and spotless a
country snow. / kept my finger nail
clean. 1 actually did. l kept mysel
| faithfully and faultlessly bathea ans
barbered. wish you could have seer
my boots, collars and cravats in thos,
days, when went to spend an evening
In ladies' company. I was as fair ant
shining as if I'd that moment walked ou
of milliner's showcase, and as sweet
as If I'd just stepped down out of tha
pretty candy window on Fourth street
Yea, verify. The young ladies' though
! was the most amiable man they hat
ever met. They all set their caps at m,
at least thought they did. / was a
bland and elegant aud winning in my
ways as High Church minister. Iva
as free and generous as any young maj
could be-spent my money like a lord
when out IN company, aud all the whil
away down in my heart, was as sting,
; as buttermilk. / said / used to cut III
high jinks at home when my cuffs ant
, bosoms weren't just so. But none o
my young lady friends knew it. I'D a
soon have poked my head into the fire
newly barbered at that, as to let one o
!. my young lady friends know had
temper. ] tried to impress them Away
that l was the most amiable man thi
; side of ST. Peter who sits at the gates o
Heaven. And the yonng ladies al
wanted to marry me. At least though
, they did.
I, Squiggs, fitted through this sort o
butterfly existence till was baehelo
Of thirty-five. as selfish and set In NJ,
ways as If I had been seventy-five in
stead of thirty-five. Then l was mar
, ried. My mother and sister seemed in
finitely delighted at it, though dom
know why they should have been, In
sure. chose for my wife charmin,