Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1874-08-13

fit to reveal, l did feel wonderfully
queer, | am sure.
To acknowledge that I had been some
what staggered at the tea-tabIe to hear
the shaggy-eye-browed doctor admit that
there were some missing links Of the
great chain in the pet theory advanced
by the great Darwin is simply to be hon
est But said the doctor: . Science
neither slumbers nor sleeps, and we
fondIy hope these missing links may yet
be supplied" He proceeded: The
facts, with other facts, every day 90
more extensively to show the great i'm
probability of the independent origin of
individuals of the same species in dis
connected geographical areas, and give
Us, with the philosOphic definitions of
species, the idea Of community Of orr
gin, and consequently, also, the idea Of
necessary geological connection" twas
very plain to me after this sentence, and
! at first thought / never would have any
thing in my head again but doubts.
/ thought much about this matter as I
lay upon nv bed awake; | dreamed of
things belonging to chaos, without form
and void; but the next morning a superb
thought suddenly swept into my brain;
if, thought | (oh, why must # link itself
to so much?), if my husband would but
be the lucky man to supply the missing
links, wouldn't our family awaken to a
sudden and surprising famousness. He
is professional man, and has one cor
ner Of his office quite cabinet of old
pebbles and things, all labeled with words
of from four to seven syllableS; so I
sought him, and begged him just to know
his opportunity" and write book He
should write the book, and l would
name it 1.-THE Finding of the Miss
ing Links; or, The Great Riddle I'm
riddled." 1t would take, this scientific
work, / knew, almost the same as a
moral story of the life Of pirate, or
some purely religious novel. And then
when the learned doctor of the shaggy
eyebrows had reviewed it, and my green
specialized, graduated tea guest had trans
ated it into half the modern European
languages, then would come the medal
from the French Academy, and then
would his portrait be ordered painted by
the Government, then would his bust be
nodded for place in the most cOnspicu-
Gus niche of the museum department of
every college in the land.
My husband looked up from his Med
zeal J0uynaL saying with a tender, pene-
trating piety in his tone: My love, /
have consecrated my life to usefulness,
and cerebro-spinal meningitis is prevail
ing around US as an epidemic. am seek
ing the aid of all the knowledge | can
command to save the lives Of fellOW-creat-
ures!"
"Pause!" I exclaimed, almost tragic
ally; pause, oh, misguided man. in the
midst of your mad career of Investigate
ing the uncertain properties of mustv
and multifarious medicines!-pause, I
say, and solve me the great problem,
whence did your fellOw-creatures evolve?
Is man but more highly -developed ape,
on whom kindly nature has bestowed a
thumb by way of compensation for the
missing caudal appendage? Settle this
question, and then proceed to vanquish
the serted baCk-bOnes of the Many-gin-
ties"
My husband just laughed and said he
would leave this important question to
the StrOng-minded women of the present
day. Of course he had no idea of such
thing as ranking me among the strong
minded ones; in fact, very few men, will
ingly, place their wives names in that
list.
But | said to myself, what is the use
VI W lollIIlS IOl 1dlllC 1OI Out WIZ HAS uO
ambition further than to make himself
the benefactor of the ,teJIoeo-creatares of a
country neighborhood? And I went and
made myself a cup of most excellent
strong coffee, drank it, as | always do, in
its own clear purity and without the
weakness of either sugar or cream, went
into the silence of my own room, buried
my face in my hands, recalled, as nearly
as possible, all the wonderful expressions
OF my scientific friends-then in desper-
ate earnest began to think Being I'M
trammeled by the technicalities of
science, and finding no hindrance from
the ideas of learned men on the great
problem before me, thought with Won
derful rapidity, and SO, in less than half
an hour, made the discovery which will
crown me queen of scientific research
and uneQualed benefactress of my race.
Hold your breath, but rejoice, all We peo-
ple-I have found the missing link, | have
corrected the great mistake of the Oar
winian doctrine
The great thinker brought his chain up
to, and took his departure from, the
wrong animal. He stopped lust short OF
the goal, he bowed his proud head in the
presence of aquadrupcd; why did he not
pursue the evidence on and on, till it
eliminated in the form of a biped?
1t is quite laughable after all to note
how this mighty philosophers mind, a
magnificent steamship its engine at full
speed, every paddle padding and every
flag flying, dashed on only to founder in
the fog-bank of missing links, while my
trail Oarque, my fragile canoe, as it were,
dances with fairy-like velocity over
delusive deeps and dangerous rapids and
anchors safe on the sunny shores of per
feet satisfaction; so | fret no more with
regard to my homecoming Beautiful
thought! know whence | came, and
don't trace either myself or my father
Adam back to an ape, either.
Oh! what great reason have [ to be
thankful for the er .owment of an ex-
uberant fancy. All hail to it! 1t has
led me through labyrinths from whose
very verge reason would shrink appalled,,
but Darwin discovered this before l did.
And now that have found the imme-
diate heretofore link of my being, | am
ready to receive honors rendered by any
scientific society, any royal academy in
ChriStendOm.
am strong in the faith and free to
maintain that the human family is de-
scended from the common barn-doOr
fowl Absurd, do you say?-oh, beloved
friends, don't you know that to establish
any theory in this world, the more alb
surd 1t seems at first glance the better;
but the wings and feathers, you say; a
pin-teather for such objections; are not
we but little lower than the angels? now
isn't that orthodox, and haven't orthodox
angels wings?-there.
Even as Paul argued the truth of his
new doctrine before the refined and
learned Athenians bE reminding them of