Bristol news. [volume] (Bristol, Va. & Tenn.) 1867-189?, 1874-11-03
Josh Billings on Hotels.

l.
| for the vagrants. the married mans
| retreat, and the bachelors fireside.
They are kept in all sorts ov ways;
| some on the European plan, and men,
ny Ov them on no plan at all
Yu will diskover the following des-
krimshun a mild one ov about hotels
| cut ov 10 between the Atlantik and
Pacifick Oshuns, akrost the United
States in a straight line:
Yure room is Is foot 9 inches Try g
foot inches parallelogramly.
+ 1t being court-week (as usuaD all
he good rooms are employed bi the
lawyers and judges.
Yure room " on the uttermost
floor.
The carpet iz grain-ingrained
with the dust, kerosene lie, and ink
spots of four geDerashuns.
There iz two pegs in the room tew
hitch costs onto, one ov them broke
Oph, and the other pulled out, and
| missing.
The buro haz three legs and one
brick.
The glass tew the buro swings on
two pivots, which have lost their
grip. mi.
There is one towel on the rack. thin,
! but wet.
The rain-water in the pitcher cum
| out 0v the well.
The soap fZ az. tuf tew wear as a
I whet5tOne.
The soap il scented with cinnamon
| lie, and variagated with spO:s.
There iZ three chairs, kane seeters,
one il a rocker, and all three are bus
| ted,
There il a rElatch-E OK, empty.
| Thare IL no kurtin tew the windO,
and thare don't want tew be emmy; yu
kant see out. and who can see in?
The bell-rope is cum oph about
inches this side ov the ceiling.
The bed iz a modern slat-bottom,
| with two mattresses, one cotton and
one husk, and both harder and abou az
| thick az q sea biskitt.
Yu enter the bed sideways, and kan
feel every slat at once, az eazy az yu
| could the ribs of a grid-iron.
The bed is Inhabited.
Yu sleep sum, but role over 6 good
| deal.
For beakfast yu hav a gong and rhy
| koffee tew cold 10 melt butter, fride
pothOze which resemble the chips a
| two-inch auger makes in its journey
| thru au oak log.
Bread solid beefsteak about as th!k
az a blister-plaster, and az tutf az q
hounds ear.
Table covered with plates. a few
scared 0-death pickles OH one ov them
and fiy-in-dorsed crackers on anOth-
| ei
a pewterinktom castor with three
| bottles it it, one without any mustard
and one with two inches OF drowned
flies and vinegar in it.
Servant girl with hoops on hangs
round yu earnestly, and wants tew
know if you will take another cup ov
kOffee
-Yu say, NO, NOM, thank you,'
and push back yure chair.
Tu haven't eat enuf 10 pay for pick
| ing your teeth.
/ am about as self -konsaited as il
will do for man tew be and not
crack open; but | never yet konsastetf
that l could keep a hotel. l would
rather be hiwayman than teW 0e
some landlords j have visited with.
Thare are hotels that ale joy upon
| earth; here q man pays h!Z bill az
| eheerfully as he did the pars0n vino
married him: WHARF, you Kant find
| the landlord uDlGss ya hunt in the
| kitchen; WHARF servants glide around
like angels uf mercy; WHARF the beds
| q MANS back like tie feathers ON i
goose; and WHARF the yiitles taste just
| az tho yure wife or yure mother had
| fried 'em.
.fiieze kind Nv hotels ought tew be
built OF wheels, and travel around the
kun;ry. They are az rluil ov real
con. fort as IA thanksgiving pudding;
| but, alas! yes, alaSs! they are az ui-
plenty az double-yelked eggs.