Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-08-28
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ternOOn an excited Individual, with his
hat standing on two hairs and his eyes
projecting from his head like the horns OF
a snail. rushed into the Office of Coroner
Holmes. The Coroner is by profession a
dentist, and his first thought as he glanc-
ed at the man, was that he was well nigh
distracted with toothache. He was soon
undeceived, however, as the frenzied indi-
yidual cried out as soon as he could catch
his breath after running up the stairs =
ssBeen man murdered ~
"a man murdered - cried the coroner
"hoW WHEREOF
'sIn garding, believe; with club OF
a rock"
How long ago?" cried the coroner
Selling his hat and cane.
'sBeen done good while, and no police
nor constables hasn't never done nothing
about it. Never been no coroner set on
the body, nor nothin' of the kind; no YER
dict %
'What's the dead mans name? who
was he 90 cried the coroner.
"His name was Abel"
'sAbel ? Abel who 20
ssDon't know Never heard anything
but his first name.''
who killed him? Do they know? Anyone
suspected p
ssWell, I've heard that fellow named
Cain put out. his light. Cain was a broth
er of Abel, and"
Coroner smells mice, and, fiourishing
his cane, cries, "You git down them
stairs, my fine fellow. Git, and don't
show yourself here again"
With loud guffaw the fellow went
down the stairs THEE steps at time, the
doctor calling out after him, Elbow dare
you trife with an officer in this way, sir 20
-Vwyi,,ia City Enterprise.
A fond mother in Rails county, Missou-
ri, has named her daughter Mazin Grace.
A neighbor inquired how she came to Sc
Iect such an odd name. "La," said She
81 got it out Of the hymn book" The
neighbor expressed surprise, and said she
had never seen the name in any hymn
book she had used. you haven't ?"
said the mother of Main Grace, "Why,
don't you recollect that familiar old hymn
commencing ''Mazin' Grace: how sweet
the sound ?''
Little Billy was very cross and tired
the other night, and he wanted his father
tired or pretended to be. IL want you to
hold me on your knee,' he whined. II
tell you 1 cannot do it 1 am tired r-
Piled his father impatiently. ''Tired
You wasn't very tired last night when
you held Mary on your knee in the kitch-
en-
A Sabbath-school teacher, DESTROYS of
waking the dormant powers of a scholar,
asked the question, "What are we taught
by the historic incident Of Jacob wrest-
ling with the angel" The cautious. re
ply came, Dunno, zactly, but s'pose twas
to tell us that we mustn't rastle.''
A newspaper contributor says: cit is an
theory that women dress to
please the men. They dress to please or
spite each other" We were under the
that they dressed because they |
had an idea that it doesn't look well to be |
seen without any clothes on.
Pat was shoveling his cart load when
the s'boss" came along and told him to |
dump it. Down went the load, cart and |
horse over the embankment; while Pat |
remarked: ''It's mighty |
but trying to the beast"
Says Western critic of local prima
donna "She has a magnificent voice for |
a fog-whistle; its compass is simply aw-,
full. She shakes the chandelier with a
wild whoop that makes every man in
feel for his scalp, and follows it |;
up with roar that would shame gorilla.'
The expression Of a nervous womaus
face, upon getting into dentists chair,
is something that no man can initiate un-
til he gets a letter from his mother-in-
law, sharply inquiring if that spare room
is ready.
An interesting little boy, timid when
left alone in a dark room, was overheard
recently by his mother to say in his lone!-
ness, ooh, Lord, don't let any one hurt
me, and I'll go to church next Sunday
and give you some money"
The Chicago Tribune very truly OBJ
serves that ''the unattainable has a Won
derful fascination" There is hardly a
man OF woman who wouldn't give as much
as five cents to see the balance of Tat
Beocher letter.
An ingenious young school ma'an in
Polk county, Oregon, has invented an eff
fectual process to subdue refractory III
chins. She stands them on their heads
and pours water down their trousers
leg.
A Kansas school ma'am wouldn't dis |
miss school to let the scholars see circus
go by, and the board of trus-
tees have secured a teacher who isn't so |
stuck up.
A WldoWer compares marriage to be-
sleged fortress. Those who are outside |
would like to be within, and those who
are inside would like to be without.
A lecturer aptly demonstrates the tbeo-
ry that heat generates motion by pointing
to boy who accidentally SAP down on
piece of lighted punk.
A singular difference-Call a girl a |
young witch and she is pleased; call an
elderly woman an old witch and her in.
dignation knows no bounds,