Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-04-17
II U NJ OR.

"HEAD Us, SOMEBODY. "-Smith had
pet calf which he was training up IN the
way of an OK the calf walked around
very peaceably under one end Of the yoke
while Mr.. Smith held up the other end, but
in an unfortunate moment the man con-
ceived the idea of putting his own neck in
the yoke to let the calf see how it would
seem to work with partner. This fright
ened mister calf, and elevating his tail and
voice, he struck dead rum for the vii
lage, and Mr.. Smith went along, with his
head down and plug hat in his hand, strain
ing every nerve to keep up, and crying out
at the top of his voice, Here we come, d-n
our fool souls; head us, somebody y u
Manassas (Va.) Gazette.
A story is related Of a Chicago physician,
who is also an extensive real estate opera
tor, that recently he prescribed some pills
for a lady, at time when he was very
much absorbed in one of his land transac-
tions. She asked how they were to be
taken. GA quarter down." said the doc
tor, land the balance in one, two, and
three years."
A New York lady has reported on her
visit to a bar room. After describing the
horrible paraphernalia of the bar, she goes
on to state: "In the rear, upon table,
the soul-destroying awful game OF faro
was being played by a crowd of maddened,
excited men. This game of faro is played
with twosticks, four balls and any number
of pieces Of chalk"
A church member once said to minis
VINO wanted little more salary as his
family increased II did not know you
preached for money. l thought you
preached for souls.'' $50 I do, but 1
couldn't live on souls and if l could it
would take good many the size of yours
to make a meal"
This is what may be called sympathetic
Imaginative Undergraduates uncle has
lust died, sir, and should be much obliged
for few days leave to attend his funeral.
President (who thinks the case scarcely
sufficiently urgent): Very we'll, Mr.. Blank,
you may go-you may go-but 1 wish it
was nearer relative
The following is told Of young society
gentleman, who graduated from Harvard:
On the examination of physics he was ask
ed "Mr. -, what planets were known
to the ancients ?" ''Well, sir, "he respond
ed, ''there were Venus and Jupiter, and"
after a pause-s'I think the Earth, but l
am not quite certain"
Judge Smith, being asked what was the
longest Circuit Court he had ever held, re-
piled, 'sThe longest as to distance was
when l used to court girl to reach her
house I had to make circuit of eleven
miles but the time was a mere nothing"
Query--When western member of Con-
gress recently alluded so feelingly to the
''hay-seed in his hair' and the coats in his
throat why didn't he complete the di-
agnosis of his case by speaking of the rye
in his stomach
At a political meeting in Bridgeport the
other night the chairman was introduced
as follows: 'sGentlemen, have the honor
of presenting Mr.. John Stevenson, an hon
est man, like Saul's wife, above reproach."
Mr.. Greeley did not invent the phrase,
Go West, as is generally supposed. The
original of the remark was when Ruth
said (many years B. C.,) "Where thou go
West will 60"
Mr.. Marrowfat rather snappishly re-
marked to his wife, last Sunday, that a
man can't be always thinking Of his i'm
mortal soul. He must have time to eat
his meals.
81 suppose Ike sleeps in the store
nights ?" Can't say what he does nights,
reioined the practical man of business,
"but he sleeps pretty well during the day"
The Cincinnati Commercial says the best
way to keep the lid snugly on tea-kettle
full of boiling water is to sit on it. Few
people would have ever thought of that.
A friend informs us that notwithstand-
ing the severity of the weather and depth
of snow he saw cowslip in the open air
yesterday. The cow was on the ice.
NAPKINS, sir! napkins' roared Green
Bay landlord mo, sir, we havn't got any;
but if you want to wipe your nose I'll lend
you my handkerchief ~
Next to the sweetness of having friend
whom you can trust, is the convenience Of
having friend who will occasionally trust
you.
A young lady wants a cookery book full
Of pictures. She says, "What is the use of
telling us how to make dinner if they
gives us no plates ?''
''Never cream a child" says contem-
porary, and so say We. The better plan is
to give it the key Of the pantry, and have
patience.
The Boston Post says that when you
want to delicately hint that a man plays
poker, say he has several irons in the fire.
An old Scotchman of Boston used to
say, "I'm open to conviction, but I'd like
to see the man that can convince me.''
The Brooklyn "Argus' is of opinion that
kind word twill always go further than
a fiat-iron OF potato masher."
Mrs. Saith says her husband is like
tallow candle, because he always will
smoke when he is going out.
The rumseller'a prayer: die. o, Lewis!'