Omaha daily bee., 1874-06-08
The Coming Barber Shop.

Not that We consider ourselves a
failure in the editorial profession
We have the greatest confidence in
our ability in that department of in
tellectual effort. But we feel that
we could run a barber shop so much
better than any now i'm existence
that We have concluded TO sacrifice
our ardent aspirations i'm the broad
field of journalism to the needs of a
stubble-faced, oiled and creased and
bleeding and swearing and disgust.
ed male community, which now lies
PROSTATE under the barbaric feet of
the grinding capillarian monopo-
lists. Let the prosecuted, impatient
hisrute sufferers look with longing
delighted eyes upon the picture we
will draw of our %tOnsOrial paradise.
In the first place, the room shall be
clean. No soiled towels shall be al
lowed to lie about the floor, mixed
with punches of various colored hair
and whiskers. Clean towels and
napkins shall be used with
each customer. The BARRIERS shall
be neatly dressed, and shall not chew
tobacco. No filthy sleeve shall be
drawn across the victims mouth,
no dirty shirt front pressed against
his cheek, and no breath fetid with
tobacco, or rum, or garlic, pulled
into his face. No scented soa g, or
grease, or pomade, or any other
vile compound shall be used unless
asked for. Any barber who pulls
his victims nose or pushes it, who
rubs lather into his mouth and lets
it stay there. or, what is worse, rubs
it out with a dirty towel, or who
him with the shears, or cuts
him with the razor, or asks him il
he will have a shampoo, or have his
hair cut, or speaks a word except
when spoken to, will be Immediately
shot.
The razors shall be keen, the
combs and brushes cleaned at least
i'm six months. The BARRIERS
shall be careful, gentle and polite.
They shall be paid a regular salary.
The system of hiring BARRIERS to
work upon commission shall not OBJ
tain In our model shop.
Going to such.shops the martyrs
is about as follows: As
he enters the door five or six hun
cry BARRIERS spring up, tumble over
each other, and each piteously en-
treats him by word or gesture to
come to his particular chair. The
stands irresolute, and at last
makes a dive for the nearest chair,
all the BARRIERS, other than the
)ne he has favored, scOwl upon him
Indignantly. Then comes the ten
minutes of lathering, daubing,
'~lobbering, dirty fingers, pulling,
'melling, cutting, saving, scraping,
'umbling, greasing, jabbering, spit
ing and wiping, and the victim is
bolt upright i'm the chair,
that he was dead and calm
y sleeping i'm some quiet valley be-
leath the green sod. Then the fol-
conversation ensues:
Barber at the head, pulling apart
he hair-"Have a shampoo, sab ?"
Nictim-"No, / believe not"
Boy at the feet-"Have a shine,
?n
Victim-'No, 1 believe not"
Barber at the head-"Say you
will have one, sab ?"
Victim-"No, l think not"
Boy at the feet-"Better have a
hine, sah."
Victim-"No, Idon't want any,"
Barber at thehead-"Scalp pretty
sab. Needs washing bad"
Boy at the feet-"Take me but a
minute, sah."
Barber-"Better have it washed,
Boy-"Better have 'em shined,
Victim - "No, 1 don't want
Barber-"Have y'r hair trimmed, 4,
ali ?n /,
Victim-HNo."
Barber-"Pretty straggly, sab.
leeds it bad. Take but a minute. !
letter have it done, sah." z
Victin-"No, no; l don't want i
nything more" 3
ISdfucf dIu 10y lOOh ~ eacu Otu- q
!, and then at the hapless stranger 3
it'll pity and contempt. Barber I
ustled him off in short order, and :
boy gives him three distant +
'uches with the tip end of a broom,
rms away in disgust and leaves /
inn to get his own hat and brush
he wants to, and go out feeling 4
cry much Inundated and very in )
gnificant. Under the commission :
it is the effort of every
arber to get hold of just as many !.
ictims as possible. With its tom 2
artists, paid regular salaries,
here would be no object in this
lueezing and worrying of custom &.
IS. :
But enough has been said to indi- J
tie in a slight degree the mighty /
form which We propose to inau-
Irate in this important field of hui
an enterprise and human endur- :,
ice and inhuman treatment. We
i'll do all We can to mitigate the 70
rrows of the animal that shaves; q
I'd oh woman, woman! what q