Omaha daily bee., 1874-04-27
IMPIETIEs.

The Boston Post says that eggs
are $40 a dozen in Vermont. That's
what a young man paid for egging a
minister to that extent.
A minister in Atlanta, Ca, says
lotteries are sinful swindles. He is
out $500 by the last Louisvillainous
drawing.
"You are to make it plain, but at
the same time smart, as i sit in a
conspicuous place in church." (Her
order for a spring style bonnet.)
When a San Francisco minister
wants a crowd of hearers, he
breaches upon ga Railroad to Hell
The Shortest and Quickest Route"
This is what the irreverend Mr..
Cunningham did, without once
whistling down the brakes.
The Methodist Conference by the
Bishop against becoming holders of
dubious railroad bonds. How about
getting their lives insured in the
Ashbury Life Insurance Company,
now disgracefully defunct9
A young gentleman went to
church at Vallejo the other night,
and took out of his pocket what he
supposed to be a prayer-book. A
lady friend was astonished to find
it a late edition of the "Modern
Pocket HOyle,"
A Mormon sister, the other day,
was explaining the Order of Euchre
to a lady friend, when she said
Brother Brigham had not been able
to get much money or tithing from
the Saints in the last two years, and
now he was preparing to make "one
big grab and get the whole" The
sister comprehended the situation.
A wicked little boy in a Denver
Sunday school was asked by his
teacher if he had learned anything
during the past week. "Oh, yes"
said he. .sWhat is it that you have
learned??" "Never to lead a deuce
when you've got an ace back of it,"
was the reply.
"One of the men connected with
the menagerie at Brewsters went to
church recently and heard a chap
ter from the Revelations. He. said
when he came out that he would
like to engage the person who wrote
about those beasts with seven heads
to travel with his show and lecture
on the animals. "-[Lake Mahopac
Herald.
In the Arctic regions a sermon
can be heard at the distance of two
miles. This is a wise provision of
nature, which enables the jewellers
of that chilly country to hear the
preached word without rising from
their beds. How comfortable, and
withal how superior to the way our
people are compelled to sleep during
services.
"Nothing," said an impatient
husband, "reminds me 70 much of
Balaam and his ass Is two women
stopping i'm church and obstructing
the way to indulge in their ever
lasting talk" "But you forget, my
dear" returned the wife, meekly,
"that 1t was the angel who stopped
the way, and Balaam and his ass
who complained of it,"
A neat turn to q ermon often
produces a more lasteng effect than
either logic or theology. Instance
this: "My brethren, a man cannot
afford to lose his soul. He's got
but one, and he can't get another.
If a man loses his horse he a get
another; If he loses his wife he can
get another; If he loses his child
he can get another; but if he loses
his soul-good by, john"
''The other night a weakened
youth was sitting in Ames Church,
wholly forgetful of his surroundings
and lost in beatific contemplation of
a certain young woman, touching
whom he cherished violent designs,
when suddenlya hand was laid upon
his shoulder and a deep contralto
voice Numbered in his ear: Young
man, you look a if you wanted to
go to Jesus! Won't you come to
Jesus? Whereupon he was struck
all Of a heap, as it were, and stam-
mered N would want-that is,
1 should like to go, you know, but
not this evening, thank you; Ihave
an engagement "-NeW Orleans
Picdyune.
Rev. Florence Mccarthy, of Chi
cagO, recently deposed for telling
the truth to his congregation, has
recently delivered a lecture in which
he answers the conundrum "Who
wouldn't be a minister ?" Among
other things he said that "the only
moment of an average Bap-
fist minister was when he was
upon to sit in trial on a broth
er divine. A Baptist minister would
to collect a marriage fee, or
fail to attend the funeral of the
toughest deacon i'm the church
rather than fail to sit in a council
and say Of an accused brother: IF
ne Is innocent, l can't see 1t; If he
8 guilty, let us cast him into outer
darkness, where there is weeping
md gnashing of teeth.'"
A popular clergyman of Buffalo
'eturned from an extended journey
Few days since, and just as he
lllghted from the ears and was re-
the congratulations of a
'rowd of delighted Pensioners who
lad assembled to greet him, an inc
individual followed in his
wake, seized him by the hand, and
Exclaimed: "Well, goodbye, old
,ard, I'm going further, and shall
Ieep up the same old drunk for {;
while yet, but you're pretty well {,
obered up, and you had better keep .
o, I'spect, as drinkin's rough when l
fellows round home. But you I
now how to go on a gallus spree s
nd have a rum time just as good
S any pard l ever mad, and you has I
ny respect. Day-day, old buster" y
the astonished clergyman 6
gather his wandering wits the 9
all fellow was of, lsavingsa terri !
lie scandal for the DEDICATION of !
he gossips of Buffalo, and a pros '
eotive candidate for the lunatic I
'
The census Of Lincoln school dis s