The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1874-08-22
VARIETY.

Marx Twain has made last TO the comet 3 tail,
and thus swung himself into public notice. He
announces that Barnum and himself have leased
the celestial visitor and propose to t it mp with
one million staterOOms in the tail, 10 make a
grand star-gazing and inspection excursion. The
comet will start under their auspices july Goth
and return December 18th, 1901, which is - at
least forty years quicker than any other comet
can do il in" Mark mentions as a mark Of their
public spirit that the fare will be but g for
every so OOO, 900 miles travelled, which is surely
n fair price. " Complimentary round trip tickets
have been rendered to General Butler, Shepherd,
Richardson and other eminent gentlemen, whose
public services have entitled them TO the rest and
relaxation Of n voyage Of this kind Mark
would earn the gratitude Of the nation il he
could carry out his programme, and take along
these illustriOus dead-heads.
The Washington Chronicle saws: The latest
attempt TO narrow the local reporters field Of
usefulness, comes in the shape of an invention
10 prevent runaways by pressing spring in the
vehicle, whereby the agile horse is detached from
the fragile buggy 10 make the outrage still
more atrOciOus, the wheels Of the vehicle are
locked by the same mechanism, thus securing
To fast young N n an immunity from proper and
legitimate Consequences Of reckless driving which
they do not deserve. Pulpy old citizens who
may have had an opportunity 10 waddle out OF
range Of flying horse attached to the debris of n
buggy, with undignifed celebrity, many find some
thing in the arrangement strIkingly akin to hard
sense but the explorer after local intelligence can
local columns insipid is allowed to go on, the
knights OF Faber No. will have in self-deGense
either 10 start real estate agencies, department
employing Offices, run for Office, or, as last re-
sort, to violence 70 their cOnsciences by drawing
on their imaginatiOns for local items.
Our young friend Parker went around the
other evening to visit the two Miss Smiths.
After cOnversing with them for a while. Miss
Susan excused herself few moments and went
up stairs. Presently Parker thought he heard
L 4.
suggested that the other Miss Smith should tell
Miss Susan that he had gone. But it wasn't
Susan it was old Mr.. Smith in his slippers. As
be entered he looked around and said to his
daughter;
Ah ha So Parker's gone, has he? Good
riddanee / was Just comm down to keep my
eve on him. Hope he hasn't been prOpOsin' to
YOU Mary June 1 don't want any such lantern
jawcd red-headed idiot foolin' round here. He
hasn't got the sense Of n ruta-baga turnip
money enough to buy clean shirt. He gets
none OF my daughters. Ill shake the eVerlastin'
life out Of him If 1 catch him here again, mind
me-
Just as he concluded, Susan came down, and
not perceIving Parker, she said
- Thank goodness he's gone. That man Is
enough provoke a saint. l was awfully afraid
ne was going to stay and spend the evening.
Mary Jane, hope you didn't ask him to come
again.,
to bolt, while Mary Jane looked as if she would
like 10 drop into the cellar. But Parker finally
walked out, rushed % the entry, seized his hat,
shot down the front steps, and went home medi-
tating upon the emptiness OF human happiness,
and the uncertainty of Smiths. He has not
called since, and his life thus FAR has been unmO-
Tested by the head Of the Smith family.
lyrom the -vrEaia ciry Eusrpri.eI
He came in from Truckee Meadows yesterday,
did this level-headed dog. He rode IN by the
side Of his master On load Of potatoes. He was
4 .svF
high degrec. He was a tall. gaunt. shaggy
haired, wild-eyed boxing, brindle beast Of unre-
corded pedigree. As the wagon, carrying man,
dog and potatoes, halted for a time in front of
saloon on North street, one Of the party of a
dozen lOungcrs thcEc-abOuts made some remark
IN regard 70 the appearance Of the canine, when
thus spake ye hOrny-handed, frOwsy-headed tiller
Of We soil - Fellers. that air amt purity dog,
/ Knowles like me, makes no pretensons to
material bcauty-but he's Just the durndest
knowingest dog that ever wore har. He's got
more instink, THAI dog has, and more saEey and
pen tratiOn, an insight into human natur just
in that ugly old cabbeZzl O. nor can be found In
the beds Of whole plaza full Of yer eddicated
town dogs-pOOdIes an sieh. What pride him
for - his regular human sense he's list the darn
dest dog out! Now, If come home perfectly
sober (when I've left hm to home to see after
the ranch) IE would jet do your hearts good to
sse that dog show of what a OF apprecia-
sion he's got Of me. Fellers, his gorgeous tail
then stands loft; he skyugles about; he runs
on af0re me a scrapin' the chips Hyin /; he holds
up his head and baTks in cheerful an manly
tone % voice, escOrtin' me forward an feelin'
prouder'n he'd holed a wOOd-chuck! But let me
come home full Of tangle-leg, sheep-herder's
delight and teTrantiller juice, and that is the
durndest slamedcst dog yer ever saw. lie Jist
takes one look at me and he knows il all. Down
goes his tail, he lOps his ears, hangs his head,
squats his back, an lOokn' back now an then
he slinks off an crawls under the barn-actually
ashamed To be seen about the premises for fear
someb body II ind out that own him. tell you,
fellows he's the cussedest dog for right out an
out human sense that ever was seed in these
parts, and Truekee Medders is proud that he
was pupped thar