The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-01-02
EMPORIA NEWS.
lRfpAY. JANt.AnY :. Issl.
sAAsP sclssOgISGs.

MY bAt~-~ - 4
Ocular pnnishmcnt-Eye lashes.
paper cuffs-Newspaper attacks
Twins, like misfortune. never
comes singly.
A clean shirt Is one Of Woman's 1
hest gifts to man. l.
Long absence makes the heart
grow fo0der-of some one else.
The man who couldn't find
his match" Weat IN bed ia the
dark. II
ftis al very well 10 say. Take
things a. they como, = but suppose
they don't comet r;s' ~
1t Is funny thing about den
list, thAt the more he stops the
faster he gets oa. 600 u
Why does II preecde Gin the
alphabet? Because you must be
before Jon can see. DO you OBJ
server auEbt.Dtl ,H@EA
II three feet viii make yard, |
hos many hands need sou en-
pioy 70 build wash-house in it,
An iron will, q silver voice,
plenty " brass, and a little, tin,
win win goldeH opinions. 4A'.
The last lion-tamer has been
chewed up for the .seRson.-Aen-
sgeries gone into Miuter oiiaFsers.
An old negro woman OF Duluth
cures tOothachc by rubbing her
hand over tho patients check =
A Nashville man boasts of own
ing "the inkstand used by General
jackson at the b0t.le-of New Or
leans g1s efESfIuTfT1
Portland, Me-, Is making an eff
fort 70 suppress shaving on Sun
day, which the BARRIERS regard "a
altogether unrazornable.
An Eastern Clergyman recently
declared that the whistiing of a
railroad engine on Sunday "snort-
ed defiance in the face of heaven"
A New York thief tied q lady to
the leg Of ! piano and then ran
sacked the honse. This il anoth-
er reason why folks shouldn't
keep pianos.
A Cineinnat man bought his
wife two thousand papers OF Plus
n It took his house and lot.
A Maine paper speaks OF ssAIiss
-, an unmarried maiden
lady" At least one single soil.
.tNry one OF those words might
have been spared. Z 4 -
:, n widowed mother, three soma
AID two daughters were all mar
ried at the same time in Cincinns-
q. They were hound TO keep it
-" tne lAiHiiy ~ ..a-FtaBa
Trying to do business without
advertising is like yinkinS at. q
pretty girl through pair of green
goggles. You know what you're
daing hut nobody else does.
The reputation OF man is like
his shadow: sometimes follows
and sometimes precedes him; IL is
sometimes lougcr, sometimes short
er, than his natural size.
4 Salt Lake. City paper declares
that Brigham YOnnG's new house
viii be lone Of the most gorgeous
and costly residences anywhere
between snnrise and sunset"
Coleridge, when lecturing as a
young man, was. once violently
Missed. Hc Immediately retorted,
-When 3 cold stream of truth ia
poured on red.hot preindices, no
wonder that they hiss -
IL having been said that since
her marriage Nilsson is more frec
with her voice than before, q cyni.
cal exchange remarks that sprob-
ably that news came from her hns-
band, poor fellow. 80, ru,sa,, .7.~
There 10 refuge for prosecuted
husbands in the Sandwich Islands.
Under the hene6cent rule ofkisg
nil Q husband can divorce himself
from his wife II in his opinion she
SabIb 700 Mucn. 90 ~ "a = ~
The check of some women is as.
touRding. Mrs. Cranston, out ut
Davenport, for instance, demands
come two Thousand dollars for
simply settling in thst town. She
sestled in q mud-hole as she was
Ieeting out Of stage.
''See here Dick. i hear that YOU
are In the habit of taking my jokes
and passing them of - yopr own. .
Shouldn't man always be willing
TO take joke from friend?" re-
apOnded Dick ''i ~
4 greenhorp sat - long time,
very attentive, 'n1using upon
cane-bottom chair. At length he
said. ~ wonder what FELLOW took
the trouble to find all them ar
holes and put straws around EN-"
ar you don't want the SCOT,
dOa't go up the chimney. Was
the reply Of an editor to prospect
able" persons who requested him
not to mention tho fact that they
had been arraiSned in the-polioe
cour~ ~ q vETLT ~
4 pretty and weil-dressed young
lady, after looking at several pairs
Of lavender-colored gloves in a
shop lately, shocked the assistant
by asking him which pair he
thought the "lavcndcrcst-"
The following is a literal copy
OF . notice which has been erect |
ed in u field in South London: |
Ladies' and gentlemen arc reques.
Ted not to steal the turnips. 9th
er persons, il, detected, will be
prosecuted"
A Detroit German thus expresses
his opinion OF buffalo meat, now
very plentiful in the markets oil
that city; "I shall not buy dot 1
neat vot iah bison. Eein ven III
kille myself i buys strectchniRe
and pc done nit IT,"
4 gentleman who takes a bust.
ness view OF. most things, when
recently asked respecting a person
OF quite q poetic temperament, re-
piled: ''Ohi he Is oue of those Z
Inen Who have soArings after the
iafinite and divinss after the I'M
but who never pay /
cssh-"
A Macon negro, who won't into
= trance at meeting the other
Aisht was accidentally overlook.