The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-05-29

When l want 10 die can shoot
myself"
"IIe handled HE gun carelessly,
and put on his angel plumage," Is
the latest Western obituary notice.
An experienced old gentleman says
that all that IS necessary in the en-
joyment of love or sansages Is con-
fidence.
"Tis an III wind that blows no
body good.1-ThaL gale Is truly
diseased which puifeth beneiaeiion
to nonentity.
A Yankee editor has recently got
up a remedy for hard times. IL
consists of ten honrs labor wei
worked in.
The Western women have in a
great degree stopped praying. In
public and are making mp their
summer clothes.
"The least said, the soonest men,
ded."-Tho minimum of an often
siYe remark is tabled with the
greatest promptitude.
A New York merchant absent
mindedly copied love-leticr to his
''heart's Idol in the lelter-book of
the firm before sending IL.
A placard in a Brooklyn BARRIERS
shop window announces, "Boots
BACKED Inside" But must not that
be very hard for the stockings?
81 say" said a rough follow to a
conspicuous baE-legs, 81 say, don't
you have to have your pantaloons
cut with circular saw
1t is good ground for divorce in
st. Louis If wife finds one hun-
dred and thirteen love-letters from
red-headed woman in her hus-
bands pocket.
An old woman was beaten almost
TO death In ApRpgo, Mexico, re-
Gently, for having brought tho
smallpox into the community. by
means of witchcrait.
"Boy, IS that a licensed dog"
asked a Detroit policeman. "No,"
said the youngster; she's rat ter
rier dog, and Pm taking him down
to have bis teeth filed"
IL want to know whether We are
going 10 keep house or board be-
fore going into this thing" said q
Young lady at the altar in San
Francisco. Commcndable fore
sight.
A Detroit paper. noticing the
fact that man lately dropped dead
while combing his hair, says, "And
yet there are people who will per-
sist In this dangerous habit"
1t occurred 10 q Danbury scholar,
while writing a composition, last
week, to make the remarkable
statement that ''Rn OK does not
taste as good as an oyster, but il
can ri n faster"
The following advertisement APP
peared recently in an English pa
per: "St. James ChurcE-On
Sunday next the afternoon service
will commence at half-past three
and continue until further notice"
Impairment dandy ca stranger }
MAY have the honor to accom-
pany you, miss Z" Cool young la
dY.-"Certainly but keep behind.
in your proper place. ] discharged
my last footman for impertinence.'
y down Easter believes there is
nothing like advertising. He lost
his pocket-book recently, adver-
tised his loss in the local newspa-
per, and next morning went down
in his own cellar and found it on
the floor.
a gentleman met n half-witted
lad in the road, and placing in one
of his hands sixpence and pen
ny, asked him which of the two he
would choose. The lad replied
that he "wouldn't be greedy; he'd
keep the littlest."
Two Milesians were standing at
the Falmouth water-works, watch
ing the big wheels splashiDg the
wate,, when one Of them re.
marked: mike isn't this a quare
country, where they have TO grind
their water before they can use it 2
Baxter's saints rest, now that the
war is over. and IL is duh, piping
time of peace in Little Rock.
The Mexican Congress has appro-
prited $1,000 toward securing a rep
resentation in our Centennial EXhi.
biIion.
TOBACCO NEXT. - Smokers anC
chewers may take timely warning
Iu closing an address in New York
on Monday last, Dio Lewis declar,
ed that "when this war against
whiskey is over, we shall go for TO-
bacco.'