The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1874-09-12
VARIETY.

"I5 my brothers body here ?'' asked Pat of
tho Morgue keeper. g dunno" 2" Och, >" said
Pat, you'll know in r minute by an impedi-
ment IN his spaach''
IL is related Of SIR James Simpson, tho cele-
brated English physician, that the Duchess Of
Buccleugh drove up 20 his door and sent her foot
man % tell him that she waited without. "TelI
tho Duchess he replied, 50 that DR.. Simpson Is
engaged with a washer-WOman."
Henry Minstrel Of Savannah is reported TO have
walked into court room with his pistol in his
hand, and with the intention IN his heart of
shooting the whole dozen Of jurymen. Unfortu-
natey, twelve revOyeTs got ahead Of the Minstrel,
and his last lay was in the cold and silent tomb.
PERsoSALITrEs.-Some few days ago the Phoebe
Record gave long TRADE about " KnaVes and
Fools The consequence of this has been loss
Of three fths OF its subscribers, and threatening
letters from the remaining fraction. ' They
didn't like any such dorned personalities" 3" they
aid
4 pOor Irish woman applied 20 4 lady for
noWer or two 90 put IN the hand Of her dead
infant, and when handsome bouquet was handed
her she offered to pay for it, which, Of course,
declined, when with a look full of gratitude,
she exclaimed, - May the Lord Jesus meet you
at the gate Of Heaven with crown Of roses"
Nothing could he more touchingly beautiful as
well as poetical.
Do you chew gum? The price of three pieces
& week, an one cent apiece, amounts to 81 sc
year, or IN sixty-seyen years to SlO452. That
sum will purchase complete set of APPleton's
Cyclupedia, marriage license. black bomba-
zine dress for your aunt, German silver coffin
plate and chcroOt Cut this out, young man,
and paste it on the back of your girls photo
graph
Slightly sarcastic was the clergyman who
paused and addressed a man coming into church
after the sermon had begun, with the remark
- Glad to see you, SIR, come in; always glad to
see those here late who can't come early; ;" and
decidedly seIEpossessed the thus ad
dressed IN the presence of an astonished eongrega
ton "a he responded - Thank you would you
favor me with the text?'
And when in after days. said learned
counsel IN the court room, - we meet together
around the social hearth, where shall no longer
be oppressed by the heart and burden of the day,
and YOU gentlemen, will find yourselves in other
scenes than this, at rest from arduOus labors,
then. as We talk together of by-gone times, may
YOU be able to say, that the first thing that you
did on returning to the jury room was to unani-
mously agree that you could place no reliance
whatever upon the testimony OF that man
Smith
George Francis Train says - All the ferocity
Of nv nature has died out, and yet am in savage
health and terrible mental vigor. never imag-
ined Bengal tiger could be transformed into a
Mongolian sheep by Turkish baths and vegeta-
rian diet. suppose the new religion OF evolution
has helped 10 make the change. | am either
:ncubating some gigantic power to deyelOpe love
and truth in mankind, or | have eliminated IN
the most magnificent fzzle produced for centu-
Fies."
There is n French doctor ChOmet, who has dis
covered that fiddling will cure nervous illness,
though We have heard some fddling which pro-
duced IL. This would be more promising If every
nervous person could afford to hire irst-rate
fiddler at a fancy price per solo, but everybody
knows that irst-rate viOinists would come higher
than regular doctors. According TO DIR. Chomet,
a trumpet solo will also cure catalePsy; and in
time no doubt, the medical uses of the hand
organ will he discovered, and whole neighbOr-
hoods doct0ref by wholesale at the most economi-
cal rates
CioT A TASTE HNsELT.-A well-knO8n and
able lawyer, a resident of Virginia City,
subpenaed a witness in the United States
District Count, held in Carson. After his ex-
animation the lawyer came down stairs in tow
ering uassiOn. said he. 50 have practiced law
for a number Of years, and have been witness
but twice, and have never before realized how
mean an aEDrney can act. Would you believe It,
that nleraI villain, Bob Taylor, cross-questioned
me so that left the Court House fully convinced
that the jury could come To no other conclusion
than that / was darned liar, and by George, If
4 didn't know right should be inclined 10
arrive at the same conclusion myself, and all be-
sause cannot now, and never could remember
dates. .''-C0rsoH (Ner.) Appeal.
What can BE pleasanter than the life Of 4
Missouri farmer? At daylight he gets up and
sxmines the holes around his corn-hills for cut
worms; then he smashes eOdding-moth larye
with q hOe-handle until breakfast. The forenoon
Is devoted to watering the PotatO-bugs with So
luton Of Paris green, and after dinner all hands
turn out % pour boiling water on the chntz bugs
in the corn and wheat fields. In the evening
favorite occupation is smudging peach trees TO
discourage Nhe curculiO, and after brief season
~ -. r. o..
ceIeoptera, all the folks retire and sleep sOundly
till Aurora reddens the east, and the grashopPers
tinkle against the panes and SUMMON them to the
lsborg Of another day