Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-01-30
HUMOR.

UMOR
POPPING THE QUEsTIoN.-One long
summer afternoon there came to MI. Da-
Wilson'S the most curious specimen OF an
old bachelor the world ever heard of. He
was old, gray, wrinkled and odd. He ha-
ted old women, especially old maids, and
wasn't afraid to say SO. He and aunt Patty
had it hot and heavy whenever chance
threw them together yet still he came,
and it was noticed that aunt Patty took
unusul pains with her dress whenever he
was expected.
One day the contest waxed unusually
strong, and 'aunt Patty left in disgust,
and went out into the garden.
ssThe bear ?'' she muttered to herself,
as she stopped to gather flower which at
tracted her attention.
"What did you run away for 7" said
gruff voice behind her.
'sTo get rid Of you."
"You didn't do it did you ~
mo; you are worse than burdock-
burr"
''You won't get rid of me neither"
II won't, eh ?"
''Only one way"
s'And that %
E'Marry me.''
"What, us two fools get married-what
would people say %
''That's nothing to us. Come say yes or
no; Pm in a hurry"
''Well, no, Them
every we'll, goodbye I shan't come
again!
''Stop bit-what quicker you are
imp
&c Yes or no 20
II must consult"
'sAll right, I thought you were of age
Goodbye! ~
ssJabez Andrews, don't be a fool. Come
back, come back, say! Why, 1 believe
the critter has taken me for earnest. Jabez
Andrews, I'll consider"
~ don't want no considering. I am 60
ing. Becky Hastings is waiting for me. 1
thought I'd give you the first chance, Pat
ty. All right. Goodbye J"
'Jabez! Jabez! THAT stuck-up Beck
Hastings shan't have him, if I die for it,
Jabez yes Do you hear? Yesi''
It is reported that Kentucky legisla-
tor, who couldn't read, sent up to the
Speakers desk, his whiskey bill, thinking
it petition from his enlightened constitu-
ency. The Speaker, who, happily, was a
better scholar than his colleague, discover
ed the mistake in time to prevent its re-
ception.
Not long since, at Sunday-school the
teacher, after trying hard to impress on
the minds of a class of small boys the sin
of misunderstanding, asked, SIS Sunday
better than any other day 20 when the
smallest boy in the class answered, "You
bet your boots it is p
Peter Van Dyke, an old chap, who died
in New Hampshire, the other day, worth
$40, 900 in cash, requested in his will that
no one ''should shuttle and shed crocodile
tears at his funeral, but cover him over
and then hurry home to fight over his
money"
An Indiana editor mildly remarks: eff
YOU can't bring us wood, remember us in
in your prayers 1t is something to know
that we ara not forgotten if the stove is
cold"
Gov. Moses, of South Carolina, is charg-
ed with having stolen two-thirds Of the
message of the governor of New Hamp-
shire. and those who know him wonder
why he didn't steal it all.
A lady promised to give her maid SOS as
marriage portion. Why, Mary, what a
little husband you have got !" Dear me, !"
said she, 'swhat could you expect for TWEEN
ty-ive dollars!'
A Pennsylvania manufacturing estab-
lishment has begun dlscharging men for
telling falsehoods. This plan, if generally
carried out, would be apt TO paralyze the in
dustries of the country.
The city treasurer of the new city of Ho-
woke added to his oath of office. "And if
/ see any more stealing going on l will ex-
pose it,
Pools, change tables, rouge-et-noir, and
real estate ratfies, were part of the inno-
cent amusements Of a church fair just con-
cluded at Burlington, Iowa.
Beecher, in his sermon last Sunday, said:
'sThere wasn't one of the patriarchs who
didn't lead such life as in these days
would put him in the penitentiary.'
The Rutland "Herald" says that an Al
burg debating clubs bothering itself with
this raonentous question (which eats the
most chickens, ministers OF owls 20
Broker-"How are you off for money
THIS morning 20 Cashier-''I am off with
what little thexe was left in the bank
Goodbye"
A teacher in Waterloo has been dis
charged fos obeying St. Panl, who says
"Greet one aaother with q Kiss" He
kissed schoolmaMa.
Tbey are getting so fastidiousin Ala
gbama that an ofice-holder who TURNS thief
can't eMnect his wife to move in 6fsl- class
society any naore.
A New York, reporter INDUCED in flight
eof fancy when he spoke of lady's dress as
AN ~serial toilet
An Alabama editor offers TO na4As bis
r4,abv after the patron who will pay his
sv, I'd