Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-02-20
HUMOR.

AN EDITORS CONFESSIONAL editor
of Western journal gives the following
as to his editorial career:
Report. Times.
Been asked to drink, 1882
Drank, 1882
Requested to retract. All
Didn't retract, 416
Invited to parties, receptions, pre-
sensations, etc., ETC., by people, 1888
Took the hint 50
Didn't take the hint $500
Threatened to be whipped, ia
Been whipped, U
Whipped the other fellow,
Didn't come to time l7O
Been promised bottles Of champagne,
whisky, gin, bitters, boxes of cigars,
&C.. if we would go after them, $3.50
Been after them, .
Going again, 0
Been asked "What's the news 20 10000
Told, IS
Didn t know, 100000
Lied about it, 99,967
Been to church, 2
Changed politics, 80
Expected to change still, 30
Gave for charity, $500
Gave for terrier dog, $4,000
Cash on hand, 5000
A WORLD OF MIRACLEs.-A Kentucky
correspondent tells the following story Of
the Rev. Green Clay Smith, formerly a
general in the National army, a member
of Congress, and now an excellent and &C
tive Baptist minister. The Concord
churches are mostly in ''sweet Owen, :"
where everybody is born a Baptist and a
''rebel'' so called. Among the visiting
ministers was Brother Smith, who was ap-
pointed to preach at the stand. Among
his auditors was one-eyed, staunch adj
berent of the 'ilost cause who be became
exceedingly interested in the earnest dis
course to which he was listening. At its
close he walked up to the preacher, and
eveing him very lesurely from head to
to foot, the following conversation ensued;
''They tell me you were a Yankee gener-
al-eh 20
Eyes sir, was.''
HAnd a member of the Yankee Con-
gress 20
eyes"
'sNow converted -
II hope So
''And preacher -
''Yes.''
well, well p exclaimed the astonished
Owenite, lifting up his hands in his amaze
ment. II declare, the days of miracles amt
past yet "
The company raised for the conquest of
Cuba at Augusta, Ga, was very strongly
differed. 1t consisted of thirteen gener-
ais, seven colonies. four captains, nineteen
paymaster twenty-seven quartermastes
and one private.
Though Shakespeare positively doth affirm
it.
And to dispute it may not be discreet,
Yet [ cannot believe that which we call
flour
BY any other name would smell as wheat.
A good brother in a church of Miami
county, Ohio, while giving in his expert
enee not long ago, said ''My brethren,
I've been tryin' this nigh onto forty years
to serve the Lord and get rich 10th at
once, and tell yer it's mighty bad sled
dim
THAT'S just the sort of umbrella that
people appreciate-or, in other words,
hook, - said Smiggles to a companion this
morning, showing a very handsome silk
parachute. Yes quietly said his com
panion, 4 thought SO when I saw you
have it,
A quarrelsome couple were discussing
the subject of epitaphs and tombstones,
and the husband said: ''My dear, what
kind of a stone do you suppose they will
give me when | die :" birthstone, my
love- was the affectionate reply.
IF this jury convicts my clent,' said a
Missouri lawyer, rolling up his sleeves and
displaying his ponderous fists. II shall
feel compelled to meet each one and ham,
mer justice into his soul through his head'
When Andover Theological Seminary
called Moses Stuart from the pastoratt at
New Haven, the loud cry of the church
was, ''IIe cannot be spared Dr. Porter
replied, "a man who can be spared we
don't want"
A sophomore says he cannot understand
how any one possessing what is generally
known as a conscience can counterfeit a
five-cent piece, and put on the back of it
''In God we trust.
The impulsive clerk who accidentally de-
posts shovelful Of snow down the back
of the rural pedestrian, was in the drug
store, Saturday evening, Negotiating for
bottle of liniment.
Quite number of young men in this city
are attending night school, where Latin
is taught AT least we judge SO, as we saw
a crowd the other evening who had got as
far as ''Hic."
4 Boston man was cursing an editor the
sother day when he fell dead. Several SIM
liar instances have been lately reported
Men should los careful in speaking of any
thing sacred.
1t is pronounced AN ominous sign whena
man. who has been married scarcely twelve
months. begins to betray an abnormal in
terest in the causes of lock- jaw