Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-07-03
A RrpoRrnR,s DIARY OF THE FE.

A REPORTER DIARY OF THE FE-
! MALE COLLEGE CoMMENcEMENTs.-T
ken from the body of a reporter found on
| the field after the Staunton school COM
| mencements: NJ
June 1st.-Resolved that the COM
mencements next week shall be done In
style, Great thing for the town-improve-
ment of the mind-formlng the lives of
lovely wonderland all that sort Of thing
you know.
June til. Went to soiree. Got good
seat. Lady came in took it. Got anoth-
er. Lady came in took that. Got another
Old lady came in. Told her we were sick.
It was a lie Performance commenced.
House crowded. Thought reporting sol
rees glorious. Lovely women, fine dresses,
fine music, good seat. Ten o'clock. Hot
and dry. Tried to get out to get glass of
lemonade. Hemmed in and couldn't make
| it. Trod on girls dress. She scowled
| at us and pinned it up. Sat down misera-
BILE. Eleven O'Clock. Hotter still. Must
have glass of-emonade. Fellow came
| with breath bearing the aroma OF tod.
Frantic. Asked an old lady to letu get by
sick. must have air. Another lie.
June til. Raised thunder yes terday.-
Wrote Miss Plugfelder's name wrong in
soiree report. Old Mrs. P. called about it.
Said Plugfelder was such distinguished
name-no mistake-must have been done
on purpose. Told her printer did it. Prin-
ter happened to come in and said he didn't.
Discharge him tomorrow.
June til. More thunder. Said Miss
Dumsquodder didn't keep orchestra time
in her solo. Old Dunn dropped in and
stopped his paper. Tried to explain it to
him. No go. This begins to look like a
losing business.
June til. Went to another soiree.-
Awful hot-carried lady to make sure OF
seat. Pretty girl sent her beau over to
know if she could sit in the window and
cut off slender supply of oxygen that was
supporting our lives. Told him couldn't
possibly do it. Lady with US was sick,
needed air. Another lie. Can't go to
heaven if I carry on CHS way much lon
ger. A young man sung ''Mollie Darl-
ing" Don't know why he did it except to
show us he could sing nice duet with
saw mill if he chose to try. 1t had an
electrical effect on the audience. Every
man reaching at once for spittoon to
throw at his head.
June til. Received a note from Mary
Stakeholder. Said 1 only wrote three
lines about her and fifty about Ellen Fus-
ley, who didn't play half as well. There
it is, you see. A man might as well be in
his grave as to try to report soirees. If
live through this will try and be better
man.
June til. They are drawing to a close.
Have been through the whole-valedicto-
ries, calisthenics and all. And now for
rest. Oh, shades Of Bacon, Butler and
Cousin! Oh. lovely Goddess of Calisthe-
MIA hover (if it is not an indelicate request)
over our couch until we are resurrected to
the Final Exercise by the bang of Ten
Thousand Pianos.
The body of the reporter on which
these notes were found was very thin, and
the face looked to be that OF man ac
quainted with grief and school commence
ments. He had evidently been a man OF
pious life, for several Sunday school tic
kets were found scattered among the soiree
programmes in his pocket. One of them
was marked &C Tom Burke, 10 cents"
There was also a tooth-pick, a Life Insu-
rance agents card, Waynesboro street
car ticket, and hotel bill Of fare. These
evidences of wealth may be obtained by
the mourners on application at this Of
fee.