The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-11-13
Mark Twain,s Cold.


The first time I began to sneeze,
friend told me to go and bathe my feet
in hot water and go to bed. l did SO.
Shortly after another friend told me to
get up and take cold shower-bath. /
did that also. Within the hour, another
friend assured me that it was policy to
feed a cold and starve fever. l had
both. So I thought it best to fill N.Y.
self up for the cold, and let the fever
starve while. In case of this kind 1
seldom do things by halves ate pref
ty heartily. I conferred my custom
upon stranger, who had just opened
restaurant on Cortlandt street, near the
hotel, that morning, paying SO much
for q full meal. He waited near me in
respectful silence until had finished
feeding my cold, when he inquired If
the people about New York were much
afflicted with colds. told him thought
they were. He then went out and took
in his sign.
started up toward the Office, and on
the way encountered another bosom
friend, who told me that a quart of
warm saltwater would come as near
curing cold as anything in the world.
I hardly thought I had room for it, but
tried it anyhow. The result was sur
prising. believe I threw up my i'm
mortal soul. Now, as [ give my ex-
perience only for the benefit of those of
your friends who are troubled with this
distemper, I feel that they will see the
propriety of my cautioning them against
following such portions of it as proved
inefficient with me, and acting upon this
conviction, I warn them against warm
saltwater. It may be a good enough
remedy, but / think it is rather too
severe. If had another cold in the head
and there was no course left me but to
take either an earthquaked or quart of
warm salt water, would take my
chances on the earthquake. After this
everybody i'll the hotel became interest
ed, and I took all sorts of remedies
hot lemonade, cold lemonade, pepper
tea, boneset, stewed Quaker, hoarhound
sirup, onions and loaf-sugar, lemons
and brown sugar. vinegar and lauda-
mum, five bottles fir balsam, eight
bottles Uncle Sans remedy, but
all without effect. One of the pre-
scriptions given by an old lady was
well, it was dreadful. She mixed de-
coction composed of mo1asses, catnip,
peppermint, aqua fortis, turpentine,
and various other drugs, and instructed
me to take wineglassful of it every
fifteen minutes. I never took but one
dose that was enough. 1 had to take
to my bed, and remain there for two
entire days. When / felt a little bet
ter more things were recommended. I
was desperate, and willing to take any
thing. Plain gin was recommended,
then gin and onions. I took all three.
I detected no particular result, how
ever, except that / had acquired q
breath like turkey -buzzard, and had
to change my boarding place. At this
new place they suggested different
remedy to any yet tried. A sheet bath
was recommended. I had never refused
remedy yet, and 1T seemed poor
| policy to commence then therefore I
| though had no idea what sort of an
| tered at midnight, and the weather was
very frosty. My back and breast were
stripped, and q sheet (there appeared
to be thousand yards of it), soaked in
| ice-water was wound around me until I
resembled swab for columbiad. It
is cruel expedient. When the chilly
rag touches ones flesh it makes him
start with sudden violence and gasp for
breath, just as men do in the death
agony. It froze the marrow in my
bones and stopped the beating of my
heart. [ thought my time had come;
| When I recovered from this a friend
recommended the application of mus
tard plaster to my breast. I believe
| that would have cured me efectually if it
had not been for young Clemens. When
I went to bed I put the mustard plaster
where could reach it when I should
be ready for it. But young Clemens
got hungry in the night and ate it up.
never saw a child with such an appe-
tite. I am confident that he would
have eaten me if I had been healthy.
After all this experience you cannot
wonder that I dread going to New
! York.