Weekly Trinity journal., 1874-03-21
NUMBER II.
A BACHELOR ON BABIES

Babies are bundles Of clothes with
yellow heads" Some months ago, re-
ceived letter from the Royal Geograph-
ical Society, informing me that this def
inition was inaccurate as in tropical eli
mates babies had black faces, and were
frequently found without any clothes
worth speaking of. This don't believe.
| have often seen black men Mt ST. James
Hall and elsewhere, but who ever saw
black baby3 | wrote back, saying that
if DR.. Livingstone brought, among his
specimens of other insects, any black ba-
bies, | should have great pleasure in in
specting them and giving him a certih-
cate that is, provided they didn't prove
stuffed seals or large cockroaches.
There are great number of babies in
the world. Most of them are, however,
kept out of sight in cradles, hen coops,
attics, and old clothes baskets. A man
once told me the reason of this is because
it they were allowed to crawl about the
streets or parks, no one could stir out for
fear of walking ON them, or tripping
over them.
Babies are nearly all the Same size.
When very small they are called infants,
and fed ON butter, brown sugar, and tur-
pentine. Sometimes turpentne rises to
thoir heads, and they behave in a most
outrageous manner. once saw an in
lant who Ind drunk too much turpentine
sitting on II pillow on the ground, yelling
ut n respeotabe-looking old lady, the in
tant's grand aunt, who had n lot of mon
ey. Whenever sho pointed her finger at
the infant, it yelled louder than ever, and
tried to bite. Tho grand aunt left the
house, and settled all her money on an
institution for elderly unmarried women.
Tho education of babies is generally in
"A very backward state indeed, they do
not seem to know much OF the English
language beyond tho words "papa,"
"mamma, "me," go, by" Their
attempts at French are even worse they
are continually using such low French as
"ajou," -" day-day," ba- ba," and "by-
by" A man onco told mo he had no
doubt that babies are descended from no
groes, for they always say me Tor /.
Babies do not differ much in temper,
size or disposition. They are violent.
about the size of pillow, and covetous.
once saw baby with a corkscrew, n
pair Of tongs, a hondbcll, and broken
hearth brush, and nothing could induce
it to part with any Of them, although 1t
had got the corkscrew half way into its
ear, and the handle Of tho hcarth-brush
altogether down its throat.
When you come neara baby, it stretch
os out its hand and clutches hold OF your
nock-tie. This is, tho mother tells you, u
mark of high favor, and sign that the
baby desires to kiss you. When you
stoop forward to kiss tho creature, it
soizes you by the hair, and every ono but
you laughs and says what precocious
baby it is. When you sit down you aro
asked TO hold the baby. You take ii in
your arms and hold it on your knee. Im-
modatoly it catches hold Of your collar,
and tries to stand up on your best trous-
ers with its dirty boots. If you don't al
low it, the mother says, Oh do, Mr.. So
aud so, lot him stand up he is quite de-
lighted at having discovered that he can
stand, and it won't hurt him" 1t then
lays hold of your shirt-studs, and shoots
out It's finger at your eye, and drives II
hand sticky with wet. sugar into the bo-
som Of your shirt. Not unfrequently it
behaves in manner 50 nconsiderato
that description is impossible. This makes
you wish to put it down and stamp on 1t
with your right foot.
Babies, like dogs, are not found wild in
any country. They are always to be
met with in the vicinity Of mankind.
They are usually the companions Of wo-
men. In savage countries, when the
men are out hunting tigers with their
horses and dogs, the women amuse them
selves with feeding babies, and washing
scalps. and drying beef in the sun in
civilized countries, when the men are out
shooting pigeons or hunting haros with
their dogs, the women look at the babies,
and sit down until their hair grows down
to thoir feet, put on tight dresses and
| learn the names Of their children, If they
have time after coming in from seeing
their friends. The most singular thing
among babies is, that each one is larger
and finer than any one which has been
seen before. The first thing a woman
does when she takes baby in her hands
is to hold it at arms length and say,
"Oh dear!" or "Oh, my gracious !"
or some other powerful words. What
a fine little fellow, and only seven months
old, too Why, Mrs. So-and-so's baby
is ten months, and this little fellows
twice his weight. Upon my word, Mrs.
So-and-so, / have seen many baby but
! this one is by far the finest" Mrs. So
and-so smiles and takes the baby and
shows how it can very nearly stand when
it is held up under the arms, and has Its
back against the leg Of sofa. A man
once told me that men were descended
from babies. What Mr.. Darwin said
about monkeys was bad enough, but this
is really carrying matters too far.