The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1874-07-06
The champion, Article OF the May
Nan ~ "a PrOteSsiOntSt.
fErn,n TIC ChlcAgo TrIhune.I


The champion Article OF the Nay
Man as IA ProressiOnfst.
lFro.u TIC ChlcIg" TrhuneJ
The tendency. Of neu 10 herd themselves
into PROFESSIONS is one OF the mysteries Oh
human na.iur. which Is only cqnhlIed ny t!ic
tendency at those who are not IN ne Aela
to sraud in the broilinS sun ana aumIe the
Others. Why this should be so. What pecu-
liar Satisfaction the man in The procession de-
1iycs from il. and what object he Eas IN
view ait problems yet to be- oFco: ana yct
i, is probably the height OF the ambition OF
every average man 10 STE tie DAY wien lie
shall 20 N a procession: happy il he
can march on foot; douby happy 1t
he can carry The Star Smngicd Ban
ner or some other banner bearing strange
device; thrice happy if be may ride a
horse. tcrliiy the women and chlldrt n with
the calacoling> OF his fiery charger. aud shout
hoarseicv al his division of the procession.
All of this is more remarkable from the fact
that the Drocc>>inn is but cbild's sport with
the difference that the paper hats have been
changed for beavers with feathers IN them.
the hath Aworti> tor steel ones. the ,in pan and
whistle for The drum and fife, the red funnel
stripe and bit OF blue ribbon tor rariegated
uniform hospanglcd with jewels and galdy
with 1irsel. and the stick which the leader
stradllcd 50 gracefully Tor live horse, which
the leader nine times out OF ten straddles un-
gracefully.
The effect of the procession upon the in
diyidual hardly has a parallel among natural
phenomena. Yo.lr butcher or your shoe
maker nay be, and probably Is, a very ordl-
nary nan; not blessed with wealth or
beauty: having no sou-crarings or ycarnlug
f,t,n md ft.,h pu IL
titul: the owner of brood of rather dirty
aud promi.cuous children; with an intellect
CAPABLE of The scientific carving of sheep
or skllul cohbllDg Of boot. There is
nothing majestic or awful about him. You
would not invite BIN to your soree as Il
paragon. Indeed, in his mornin" call at your
house your servant receives HIM, and they
gossip together in Il friendly way. But once
array your hatcher in plug hat ana white
apron; throw an embIaZoncd crimson scarf
about his muscular shoulders; put boiled
shirt on him and stick rose III his button
hole: hang two or three tin>cl crosses and
other ornaments on his manly breast; and,
if he be Il large butcher, let him carry Il ban
pcr stuck in Il pouch. looking rs il it were
rooted in his ample corpus, and he becomes
mclamorpho>ci into another creature. As
he marches along III his stately manner, Keep
ing tine, time, time, Ill i sort OIL kunlc
rhymc, to the Naturalization of the
band, he is IN awful aud majestic being,
who towers above You as YOU stand
upon the clrhstoue. and looks down upon
YOU as one Of the sans CuiOttcS. Yesterday
be would have taken oil IBIS hat 10 you; to-
day, if he sees you at all, he only sees you rs
an atom; ore Of thousand admirng him as
Il magnificent beng, ouly tqualcd 10y Il royal
poten,atc and possibly surpassed by sultan
in the grandeur Of his bearing and the gor.
geollSEt s. Of his apparel. As you retire to
your chamber ut night with the confused pic
lures OF flags. banners, crosses, swords,
aprons, horSc-coi|ars, trombones, and guns
fitting before YOU, the vision of this
majestic creature appears, looming up
like Mont Blanc among lesser hills. You
regret now that only yesterday you reXed
his great soul with complaints about tough
beef; that YOU had threatened to discharge
this NV v-in>p iring creature and employ an.
other. You regret your dullneS> IN not re-
cogniZing the possibilities lying dormant In
him, aud you mentally resolve to make your
respects to him, the Thrice llluslr!ouS PliEce,
or Most Emirent Grand Seisneur, or High
and Top-Loity Baron, commanding the Most
Stunning Knights OF PtthagoraS, ana re-
quest The pleasure of eating tough STEAK
hereafter.
There is one man in the procession, how
ever. who does not possess these attributes.
lie is the last man. 1t is sad that there must
be a l,>t man in procession; but it must
ALWAYS be So until some one is discovered Of
max in. up the procession IN Il circle and then
giving i, motion like rotary she'll, turning
its own axis aud going straight ahead also.
This last man is weary, worn, pathetic
creature, who lookS as ii life was burden
10 him. He is Il rusty, sccdy b!ped, without
any good clothes. NO stars blIz" on his
breast. No baRner shields him from the fiery
sun. His ear DtHer hears the Inspiring notes
of the band. lie, catches all the dust of the
procession. Br--,taEuerS rush in front of
him aNita imputEty. He has no pride at
all. 9Aere is no comp about him-no ma
jesty OF mien. lie always looks sick, tired,
disheyaed, and fnSurn. Small boys Jeer at
him 'liaS drivers contcmptuouslv order
him out of the way. RecS less young men
make desperate Efforts TO drive over him. He
gets mixed Ap among ss.wSloys, hootDlacks,
yellow dogs, advertising wagons, iau-sellets,
drays, aud frantic WouHes cushing after era
tie children, aud loses tsas procession; and
by the time be IesaiuS il ~ Is poor, ha-
raised, detected ;uan and brother, and an
object OF unAfISIl pity The chances
are that il he does not so on with
sun>trokc, or get .nau over by All ice.cart and
have to be taken home in an t-SDress-wagon,
be will, As the result Of his pathetic situa-
ton, get drunk with remarkable dispatch
before sunset. 90 loas AS there must be
last man in every procession there should be
some compensation. lie should be made
attractive. Let him be handsomely deco
rated and capariSoOed. Let hIm have on two
aprons. Let him carry banner a d have
an American flag ia his hat. Let b a1 also
have drawn sword with which to keep OFT
the small boys and yellow dogs. and thus
the last man in the procession will CEASE TO
be the most wreicbed object in existence.