Sunbury American. [volume] (Sunbury, Pa.) 1848-1879, 1874-06-12
bnmorons Shstebes.

as to his age, and even when ne Drought
family Bible the old fellow scowled, and
said he didn't believe the Biole nor any
thing ia it.
'Ha,' he said, you dinks pekaus dot pook
says Methusala vos Gousand years olt
dot beliefs him =
But, your honor, pleaded Lawyer Hoyne,
we have a man here who lived on the same
street and in the same house with my
client. and he will swear that the young
man is only nineteen years old. The wit
ness remembers the very night he was born,
He went for the doctor, your honor, and he
was born just nineteen years ago.
No, Mr.. Hoyne; l gives my Judgment
against dot young man. can't take any
mans evidence on a ding vot has happened
nineteen years ago. Uf he swear dat dot
young mans vas porn las week den | be-
liefs him
PROVING AN ALIBL-The following took
place in an attempt to prove an ali5:
Attorney S.-'You say that Ellis plowed
for you all day OF the 29th of November p
Witness referring to his book Yes
S.-'What did he do on the 3Oth.
Vile chopped wood
Son the 3lst p
What was Sunday, and we went a.
squirrel-hunting.'
S.-.What did he do on the 81 =
W.-sHe thrashed the wheat on that
day.
S.-,What did he do on the 33d =
VII was raining and he shaved out
some handles
S.-'What did he do on the 34th 2
w.-'He chopped wood
s.-'What did he do on the
But before the question could be finished
the witness wife seized him by the collar
and whisked him outside of the witness
box, yelling in his affrighted ear, 'You old
fool don't you know :here are only thirty
one days in the month Of November L
A CLEReYMEN once preached very
long semon from the text:
'Thou art weighed in the balance and
found wanting
After the congregation had listened about
on hour, some began to grow weary and
went out, others soon followed, greatly to
the ANNOYANCE of the minister. Where
upon he stopped in his sermon and said;
That is right, gentlemen, as fast as you
are weighed pass out
No one else passed out.
A GERMAN who had not paid much at
tention to learning English, had a horse
stolen from his barn one night, whereupon
he advertised as follows:
Won mite, de oder day, ven l vas bin
awake in my sleep, 1 hear something vat
tinke vas not yust right to my barn, and |
yust out shumps in bed and runs init de
barn out and ven vas dere COON, seez
dat my pig gray iron mare, ne vas oen tied
loose and run mid de stable off; an ever
who viii him back bring, l yust so much
pay him as vat bin customary
WHEN old Lord Holland lay dying
George Selwyn, who had morbid love for
seeing corpses, executions, deathbeds, and
the like, was constant visitor of his. IL
Mr.. Selwyn calls tomorrow, said the mas
ter of the house, be sure he is admitted for
if am alive shall be glad TO see him, and
If ara dead he will be glad to see me'--a
stroke of humor only surpassed by Selwyn
himself, who, when the friends of Charles
James Fox were discussing a project for
paying his gambling debts, and wondering
how he would take it 4; that is, if he would
not be offended at such an offer Take it T?
cried the wit; why, quarterly, Of course
A WELL-KNowN man of fashion recent
~ engaged an Irishman as valet. The trst
morning he rang for his servant and or
dered him te bring his boots. In two or
three minutes the man made his appear
ance with one buttoned boot and one Well
ington, which his master naturally eyed
with the greatest astonishment. What on
earth have you got there, Dennis Are
YOU mad? Couldn't you find any other
boots in my wardrobe? p oh, yes, sir, re-
piled the Irishman, there's another pair
like this =
A YOUNG bootblack observed a neighbor
poring wisely over newspaper, whereupon
he addressed him thus: Julius. what are
YOU looking at dat paper forp You can't
read p 60 away cried the other, indig-
nantly guess can read /; sbig enough for
dat Big euufi!' retorted the other scorn-
fully dat amt muffin. Acow's big 'nuA to
catch mice, bat she can't
MARY said John Henry, as Inc reclined
in the arms of his loving sweetheart, can
YOU tell me why my head at present is like
what was last night p No, dear why
is itp, Because, murmured John Henry,
absently, 1t is on bust The resem-
blance was not discernible the next mo-
ment.
A CLERGYMAN, in a strange parish,
wishing to know what the people thought
of his preaching, interviewed the sexton,
and asked him what the people said OF Mr..
johnson, his predecessor. Oh replied
the sexton, they say he isn't sound. 'Well,
what do they say Of the new minister ?
oh, they say he's all sound
what do you consider the object OF
legislation p The greatest good to the
greatest number What do you consider
the greatest number p continued his lord
ship. Number one, my lord was the
commoner's prompt reply.
AT a recent meeting of society COM
posed of men from the Emerald lse, men-
Der made the following motion: Mr.. Presi-
dent, move yees that we whitewash the
ceiling green, in honor of the ovid harg.
A NERGO who had learned to read, wish
ing to give an idea of it to some of his ac-
ouaintance who had never seen book,
said :-'Readin' is de power o5 hearin'
wild de eyes instead OBJ de ear
THE day is not far distant say a
.>,-o. E,.,han tho unrld will hpUiD