Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-07-31
II UMOR.

HUMOR.
THE LONG WINDED TALKER.-Men are
often talked to death.
1t is hard death to die.
1t is often the case they have to dis
standing.
The long-winded talker liz wuss than a
drouth in the month ov June; he settles
down on you like swarm ov red-hot mus
keeters and ackts just as tho he intended
to stay.
He never haz ennything of Importance
to tell, if he had he could do it in a min
nit.
While he is talking to you he is always
looking the other way. hunting up his
next victim.
He will hold you by the button and talk
yu for hours and a quarter, and when he
haz got thro WI feel az weak as tho yu
had just cum out ov hot bath.
Long-winded takers are the very vain
est of mortals; they don't never talk to
interest yu, but to amuse themselves.
They are az cheerful and az Eighty az
bladder blown up with wind.
Yu kant eskape one Of these phelloWs
emmy more than yu kan an east wind.
They are the wust thiefs in the world,
for they steal time, thing that kant be
replaced.
I had ruther be attacked bi inch au-
CUR and dozen ov gimlets all at once
than to have long winded talker git af-
ter me.
They are wuss than femail community
ov 5, to raise money to White-Wash the
basement ov the church.
Yu kan not only git rid ov the wimmin,
but make them all respeckt yu, hi sub
scribing dollars, just about twice what
it will kost to do the withdrawing, a
good one-cent job Billings.
A temperance crusadresS, on her return
from a pilgrimage to the beer shops, was
seen to approach the pantry, and overhead
singing:
Little drops OF tOddy,
Little grains of spice,
Don't they make body
Feel so awful nice?
The Chicago delinquent tax list has
been published. It occupies 1874 columns
of agate type, and is pointed to with
pride by the people as the necessary sup
plement to their city directory. If we
hadn't as many residents as we claim, ;"
they say, ''how could we have SO many de-
linquents ?''
Brigham Young, Jr., according to the
Salt Lake Tribune, has an original way
of complying with Scriptural injunctions.
At conference meeting last Sunday
morning, he thus instructed the brethren :
81 pray for our enemies, brethren, but
always pray that they may 60 to hell
Because st. Louis paper said some
thing about ''the boot of public indigna-
tion,'' the jealous Louisville Courier
Journal must go and say: son a st Lou
is foot such boot would be capable OF
kicking the stuffing out of Y range OF
mountains"
Don't be stubborn unless you are sure
you can afford 1t. Right in the midst OF
the late panic, an Iowa man cheese to be
perversely obstinate. His daughter wanted
a 500 silk dress, and he wouldn't get it,
ana he lost $50 by the operation. She
took cold poison, and the funeral expenses
were $3.50.
.How like it's father it is !" exclaimed
the nurse, on the occasion of the ehristen-
ing of baby whose father was over sew
snty, and had married a young wife. eve
ry llkely,'' replied satirical LADY "it
hasn't a tooth in its head.'
Teacher-e'Who was the first man ?"
Brown (head boys Washington he was
first in war, first in" Teacher-''No,
no; Adam WAS the first man." Brown
ssOh, if you are talking of foreigners, /
s'pose he was"
DR.. Cuyler wants all young ladies to
band together and say ono lips shall
teuch our lips that have touched bot
tIe.'' Rather rough, this, on the young
fellows that were brought up by hand.
''Mama," said precocious little boy,
who, against his will was made to rock
the cradle of his baby brother, eff the
Lord has any more babies to give away,
don't you take 'em."
One of sour young girls" at an exami-
nation in grammar, the other day when
asked why the noun "bachelor'' was sin
gular, blushingly answered, Because it is
very singular they don't get married. y
She went up to the head.
'sThey say a woman can't keep a Sc
cret, remarked Division-street woman
to her husband, "but Martha Jones told
me in confidence last night that she is to
be married soon, and I haven't even told
you."
Boston men who come home late and
have prolonged struggles with the key
hole, explain to their wives that they
have been looking up at the comet and
have been made dizzy.
30, Lord" prayed a Methodist minis
ter, keep me humble and poor !" 80,
Lord, if Thou wilt keep him humble
said the deacon who next prayed, 'we will
keep him poor"
''Ladies, without distinction of sex,
are invited to a mass meeting in Eublin
with a generosity characteristic of the no
BILE Hibernian.
The latest pet came applied tothe comet |
is to call it a celestial white-wash brush Oh
the lookout for the souls of christian
statesmen.