Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1874-05-07
BARTON'S BABY.
BY FRANK Il. CONVERSE

ROBERT ARCHER, ESQ.,, as he was wont
to sign himself, was a bachelor of the
most confirmed stamp. TWAS whispered
that years before, when he was handsome
Bob Archer" a young lady had Tilted
him, but as most middle-aged men can re-
call some passage in their lives in which
a Ike event may have taken place this
should hardly be admitted as an excuse
for such disagreeable cynicism as charac-
terized the life and sayings of Mr.. Archer.
He always stoutlv denied having been
Z" refused, but once, in a moment OF I'M
guarded confidence, he acknowledged to
Widger-the only man who had ever been
known to establish anything approaching
an intimacy with him-that he did once
ask a young lady if she would marry
him; and, 2 said Mr.. Archer, with a rue
full smile, "she said she'd rather be eX-
cused-and now" he added with a look
of selt-CongratulatiOn as one who through
his own long sightedness had escaped
some terrible danger, Pm mighty glad
/ excused her"
So the crusty old bachelor had arrived
at the age of forty years, at which stand
point we find him, a rather good-looking
man, with $4,000, splendid cOnstitu-
ton, and a hatred for babies that
amounted to positive mania
Bob Archer-as we who have known
him all his days shall call him-bOarded
at Mrs. Green's, on Charlton street, and
next door lived Mr. and Mrs Barton, who
were joint owners and sole prOprietors of
strong lunged and generally unpleasant
infant about year old.
1t is a singular fact, and one worthy of
notice that each succeeding generation of
babies that come wailing into the world
are several shades better than their pre-
deceSsors
And when we reflect upon the number
of people who claim to own the g best
child that {, er was" and who firmly as
sert that their baby "seldom - never
cries" we are prone to wonder why it is
that thisage should be SO much III advance
of the preceding one, and why every
body's baby should be so superior to
everybody's else baby.
The Barton baby, of course, in the eyes
and arms of its proper parents, was one of
these prodigies of fearless and nOiseless
infancy. Run in and see Mary and the
baby" was the ott-repeated invitation of
Barton " That baby, sir is really the
best child" and then Barton would me-
ander on in most eXaSperating way,
while Archer would mentally wish his
visitors anything but blessings as he lis
fondly INDUCED in by the happy parents
The first time that this cordial invita-
ton had been given Archer had replied
with far more trankness than politeneSs,
that he wasn't any hand for ladies' socic-
ty and as for babies" here he muttered
something under his breath eulogistic OF
King Herod's decree, which, fortunately,
was unheard by Barton.
The bewildered stare with which that
latter gentleman had favored him, at such
declaration Of heresy in regard 10 fe-
male society, caused Bob Archer to some
what modify his ungracious answer, and
to add vaguely that ''Some time' he would
"see about it."
Mrs. Barton, who was pretty, blue
eyed little woman, had a brother board
ing with her aged fifteen, who, | grieve to
state, was very naughty boy, and at the
TieyertOn Academy, which he attended
his exploits were a source of continued
ANNOYANCE to the teachers and of mingled
wonder and admiration to his school
mates. Ard yet he was one of the best
hearted boys in the world, only for his
miscellaneous element that seemed a part
of his nature. He was always duly sorry
for his transgressions, and his fits of peni-
tence have been known to last full hour.
But between Mr.. Archer and Charlie
there was teud, originating from little
of Charles playfulness, and it came
about in this wise.
The former gentleman was given to
wearing 3 stand collar, surrounded by
very stiff and lericallooking white
Northumberland, which Charlie OBJ
served, and he proceeded in the absence
of Mr.. Archer to obtain possession of a
large and remarkably tall Cochin China
rooster that belonged to Mrs. Green-one
of that cheerful species of birds with q
voice like fog whistle and spurs like
marlin spikes, which make the small
hours Of the morning hideous with un
seasonable Growing.
Several attempts had been made by Mrs
Green's Iod gers to dispose of this remark
able bird, by poison and other foul means
but owing TO a constitution naturally
strong, and a digestion unlmpaired by
trifes. it had become a mooted question
among the enemies of this rooster as tc
whether anything short of can OF nitro
glycerine would have any effect upon HI;
stomach
At the expense of pair of scratched
hands Charlie had succeeded IN captur
ing. the unhappy bird, which he immeal
ately proceeded to invest with huge
paper collar and tie, after which ID
turned him Loose in the street, where I'm
feeling and heartless people declared tina
ne resembled Bob Archer to a marvellous
degree.