The Stark County Democrat. [volume] (Canton, Ohio) 1833-1912, 1874-09-17
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/ STORY or AN OLD BACHELOR


4 STORY or AN OLD BACHELOR
There was a fine old general once, who,
having spent most Of his life in the field
Of Mars, knew very little about the camp
of Cupid. He was one of these rough
and honest spirits often met with his gal
liant profession, innocent as an infant Of
almost everything save high integrity
and indomitable bravery. He was near
ly fifty years old, and his tolls were over,
when Master Don Cupid brought him ac-
quainted with widow Wadman, in
whose eye he began to detect something
that made him uneasy, Here was the
result
During his service he had never seen
anything to notice in woman's eye. In
fact, he would scarcely have observed
whether a woman had three eyes in her
head or only one; for no matter where
his own eyes were, his thoughts were
over among gums and drums and
wounds" and love was thing that liv-
cd in his memory just ~ he remembered
unCe reading visionary stOry-book call
cd the arabian Nights Entertain
Inents," when boy.
Well, the general had settled down
into an amiable, gentlemanly fellow, liv-
ingalone, with comfortable wealth around
him, and having little to do, save now and
then to entertain an old comrade in
arms, when companiOnship afforded an
opportunity for him "to fight his battles
Ger again." "But, alas DER this calm
evening Of the old generals day, a deal
Of perplexity was doomed to fall, and he
SDOn found himself in troubled waters,
the depths of which he could by no
means understand. He houndered about
like Gagged rat under pump, and such
smother melancholy fish out Of water
never swallowed the bait, hook and all
of the angling god Of Love.
The poor general We must give him
a name, or we can't tell the story; and
the best name for such story is Uncle
Toby. The poor general debated ab-
stractcdly about his position, and never
had siege or campaign given him such
perplexity before.
At length, however, the blunt honesty
of his disposition rose uppermost among
his conflicting plans, and his course was
chosen. Atschoolhe once studied "0thel-
los Defense" to recite at an exhibition,
hut he made great failure andhe now
tecOlleCts there was something in the
Defense" very much like what he wan
ted TO say. He got the book immediate
ly, found the passage, Clapped on his hat
with determined air, and posted off to
Widow Wadman's with q Shakespeare
under his arm.
Madam" said General Uncle Toby
opening his book at the marked place
with the solemnity ofa special pleader
st the bar; Madam
Rude am in my speech,
And little blessed with the set phrase OF peace:
Eor since these arms OF mine had seven yean pith
Their dearest action In the tented iieid;
And little Of this great world can speak,
More than pertains 70 fears Of brolla and battle:
And thereiore-'
Here the general closed the book, wip-
I'd his forehead, looked up at the ceiling,
and said, with a spasmodic gasp:
"I want TO get married"
The widow laughed ten minutes by the
watch before she could utter syllable,
and then she said, with precious tears ol
humor rolling down her good-natured
cheeks:
TAnd who is it you want to marry gen.
efal ~
@YouP' said Uncle Toby, flourishinq
his sword arm in the air, and assuming
a military attitude Of defiance, as if he
expected an assault from the widow i'm.
mediately.
will you kill me If marry you p
said the widow, with a merry twinkle Of
the eye.
mo, madam" replied Uncle Toby, in
most serious and deprecating tone, as
II to assure her that such an idea had
never entered his head.
well, then, | think I'll marry you,
said the widow.
THANK you, ma'am," said Uncle Toby;
'but one thing | am bound TO tell you of
madam wear wig"
The widow started, remained silent a
moment, and then went into longer
louder, and merrier laugh than she had
indulged in before; at the end of which
she drew her seat nearer to the general
graVely laid her hand on his head, gently
lifted his wig Oft and placed it on the ta.
ble.
General Uncle Toby had never known
fear in hot battle, but he now felt mosl
decisive inclination to run away. The
widow laughed again, as though she new.
OF would stop, and the general was about
to lay his hat upon his denuded head
and bolt, when the facetious lady placed
her hand upon his arm and detained
him. She then deliberately raised hei
other hand to her own head, with sort
Of military precision, executed a rapid
maneuver with her five fingers, pulled of
her whole head of fine glossy hair, and
placing 1t upon the table by the side o.
the generals, remained seated with 0
ludicrous gravity in front Of her accepted
lOver-quite bald.
As may be expected, Uncle Toby now
laughed along with the widow, and the,
soon grew so merry over the affair. thai
the maid servant peeped through The
keyhole at the noise, and saw the old
couple dancing jig and bobbing theil
bald pates at each other like pair O.
Chinese Mandarins. So the two were
very shortly united.