davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16
SQUEL0HINq A LEGAL BULLY.

The following is old-it must be, for
heard it long time ago; and, if it
has been in print, it will bear printing
again
There was, five and twenty years ago,
an attorney practicing in our courts,
named Boonton. Had he been on the
frontier he would have been either
blood-letter or an arrant coward, I
don't know which, but here he was
simply a noisy, coarse-g grained bully;
and his chief delight was to badger and
bully witnesses of the opposing coun-
sci on the stand.
One day horse case was on trial, in
which Boonton was for the defendant.
By and by counsel for the plaintiff
called a witness who was supposed to
be something of a horse-doctor. He
was middle-aged, easy, good-natured
man, clad in homespun, whose bronzed
brow and hard hands betokened sweat
and toll. His testimony, which was
clear, simple, and direct, made things
| look dark for the defendant, and when
Boonton got hold of him he proceeded
to cross-question him in his usual
brutal manner. Said cross examination
wound up rather abruptly as follows
"Well, now," demanded the counsel,
with tomahawk-like flourish, "what
do you know about horse, anyway /?
Do you really profess to be horse-doc-
tor ?''
t'No, sir, not exactly. I don't pro-
fess to be horse-doctor, but know a
] good deal about the mater of the beast. "
''That is," cried Boonton, glaring
first at the witness and then smiling at
the jury, nodding graciously to the
Court, and sweeping triumphant glance
over the AUDIENCE that is to say, si1
You know horse from jackass when
you see them ?"
"Ah-ya -as-jes' so,'' returned the
witness, with imperturbable good humol
and gravity, "beteoeeaa the t,Oo beasts j
should aaeUe7 take YOU for the horse !''
For once in his life, at least, the bully
was effectually Sc auelched, and amid the
wild roar which followed he threw him.
self into his seat and allowed the wit
ness to leave the stand.-NeaO Yorl
Tp1oo7-3
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16
A BLOSSOM from SNOW.

At an altitude of four thousand feet
in the California sierras the traveller
finds, growing from the eternal SHOWS
on the borders of the grim pine forests,
a gorgeous flower, sometimes measur-
ing twenty-eight inches in length from
tip to root, and with spike over foot
long. The portion of the plant which
is visible above the soil is bright rosy
crimson in color, and presents the very
strongest contrast to the dark green of
the pines and the " simmer of tie
snow" Its root is succulent, thick, and
abundantly free of moisture, attaching
itself to the roots of other plants, prin-
cipally to the species of the pine family.
Hence, it is among those curious mem
bers of the vegetable world which are
known to botanists as parasites, and is
consequently entirely incapable of cul-
tivation. The deer are extremely fond
of l., and it is not an uncommon cir
cumstance to find a number of the
plants uprooted and.robbed of the feshy
part of the underground growth by
these animals. It belongs to the natural
order Oro5d,achdcea, and is met Win
through the whole of the sierra region
becoming rarer as we approach the
South.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16
a .14coB KISSED RACHEL"

The following are the "Opinions of
the English Press" upon the subject of
the text which tells you that Jacob
kissed Rachel and lifted up his voice
and wept:
If Rachel was a pretty girl, and kept
her face clean, we can't see wkat Jacob
had to cry about.-Dodly Telegraph.
How do you know but that she slap
ped his face for him.-Lad5es' Treas
u7.y.
Weeping is not unfrequently pro-
duced by extreme plea sure, joy, happi-
ness it mightthave been SO III Jacobs
case -HardaUick's Science Gossip.
The cause of Jacobs weeping was the
refusal of Rachel to allow him to kiss
her again.-Nonconfor for77a6st.
It is our opinion that Jacob wept be-
cause he had not kissed Rachel before,
and he wept for the time he had lost
The city Press.
The fellow wept because the girl did
not kiss him.-PaW Mall Gazette.
Jacob wept because Rachel told him
"to do it twice more," and he was
afraid to.-Methodist Recorder.
Jacob cried because Rachel threatened
to tell her mamma.-IStta1d0y Gazette.
He wept because there was only one
Rachel to -CzerkeaUeU NesOs.
He wept for JOY because it tasted so
| good.-JeaOiSh Chroaicle.s
We reckon Jacob cried because Rachel
had been eating onions.-BTattsh
Standard.
Our own opinion is, that Jacob wept
because he found after all sit was not
half what it was cracked up to be.
Nea0 Zealand E1onaiaa-her.
A mistake-not his eyes but hismouth
watered.-IHe Ladies' Chronicle.
He thought it was fast color, but
wept to find the paint came of.-FE,ae
Art Gazette.
He remembered he was her uncle and
recollected what the prayer-book says
Church Journal.
He was fool and did not know what
was good for him.-EnglishaOo
AdUiser.
He knew there was time to weep
it had come, and ne dare not put it off
l-Methodist NeaOs.
He thought she might have big
brother.-Sportia1g Chronicle.
Because there was no time for an
other.-EI21ress.
When he lifted up his voice he found
it was heavy, and could not get it sc
high as he expected. Musical Notes.
He tried to impose on her feelings
because he wanted her to lend him fv'
shillings. Guide.
Rachel noticed that jacobs was
"paroxysmal kiss" and terrified hin
by threats of sc investigation.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16
A s0MNAMBuLIsT"s WALK.

A somnambulistic sensation caused
futter of excitement in Tarrytown, N.
Y, recently.
About 4:30 in the morning, Mrs.
Navans, the wife of a well-known man
ufactr1rer, owning villa a mile and
half above the town, awakening sud
denly, found her liege lord absent from
her side.
AS, although 81 years of age, he was
known to be given to walking in his
sleep. she raised an alarm, and, a search
being made by the two sons of Mr..
Navans, the missing husband was found
up to his neck in water in a disused
cistern, and clinging to cross bar for
support. He was very much exhausted,
and could not have held out much
longer, but revived on being rescued
and cared for. To get to that precari-
Gus situation he had walked three hun
dred and ten feet on ledge of wood
but two inches wide, covering the top
of the grape arbor that ran from the
back of the house to the barn. AL
though he had safely accomplished this
feat, on reaching the end of the struc.
ture, at which was the cistern, he had
fallen off, and the covering of the els.
tern being much decayed was received
into the water. The shock of the fall
combined with the coldness of the ele
ment in which he was thus suddenly in.
troduced, awoke him.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16
LIGHT WITHOUT MATCEHs.

To obtain light instantly without the
use of matches and without the danger
of setting things on fire, take an OBJ
long phial of the whitest and clearest
glass put in it piece of phosphorus
about the size of pea, upon which
pour some olive oil, heated to the boil
ing point, filing the phial about one
third full and then seal the phial her
metically. To use it, remove the cork
and allow the air to enter the phial, and
then recork it. The empty space in
the bottle will then become luminous,
and the light obtained will be equal to
that of lamp. AS soon as the light
grows weak its power can be increased
by opening the phial and allowing q
fresh supply of air to enter. In winter
it is sometimes necessary to heat the
phial between the hands to increase the
huidity Of the oil. Thus prepared, the
phial may be used for six months. The
contrivance is now used by the watch
men of Paris in all magazines where
explosive and infammable materials are
used
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16


THE pen-knife extravaganza has been
put stop to by master-General
Jewell, and the contract Cancelled. Its,
history is good example of how small
public perquisites grow into abuses.
In the days of quill-pens knives were a
necessity, and were properly enough
furnished to the clerks of the depart
ment. Then somebody introduced the
custom of an annual distribution OF
knives to clerks on New Years day.
This has grown into regular CUSTOM,
and continued after steel and gold pens
had completely supplanted quiiis III the
use of the department. And. SO the
knife distribution. which at one time
was iustifiable, continued long afterthe'
cause for it was removed, and became q.
petty abuse. Postmaster-General Jew
eli has done the right thing in suppress
ing il
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16

MARRIA GES OF BLOOD RELATIONS.
Statistics presented to the French
Academy show that the marriages of
blood relations form about two per
cent. of all the marriages in France,
and that the deaf and dumb offspring
at birth, of consanguineous marriages
are, in proportion to the deaf and dumb
born in ordinary wedlock, at Lyons, full
twenty-five per cent; at least twenty
five per cent. in Paris, and thirty per
cent. in Bordeaux-the proportions of
the deaf and dumb, by birth, increasing
with the degree of blood relationship.
The data obtained show that, if the
danger of having a deaf and dumb
child in ordinary marriage, represented
by figures, is one, there will be eighteen
in marriages between first cousins,
thirty-seven between uncles and nieces,
and seventy in marriages between
nephews and aunts. It appears, too,
that the most healthy parents, if related
in blood, may have deaf and dumb
children.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16
Stamps.
POstnaster.

The receipt book will be retained at
the postofice, where tho newspapers
will be weighed. The stubs of, the re-
ceipt book will serve as memoranda
to the postoffice of sums paid, from
which returns to the General Depart
ment are made. The stamping of papers
in bulk will not require more than four
stamps of different denominations to
make up the amount of postage paid by
the publishers on any package, what
ever that amount may be. Even on a
ton of newspaper matter, on which the
postage will be $40, only the four stamps
will be required to make up the amount
of postage paid. This stamp system
has been devised, as the act of Congress
requires the use of adhesive stamps.
The stamps viii be affixed to the stub
of the receipts by the postofice clerk,
land then cancelled. Thus the publisher
will be saved the trouble of buying and
afixing stamps. After the law goes
into effect he will simply take his re-
ceipts and hold them as evidence that
the postage was paid. General Barber
expects to save by this system of pay
ment thousands of dollars to the Treas.
ury Department every year, besides
saving the department and publishers
much labor.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16
A PERsEYERTNG MAID.

The divinity that doth shape our ends
is curiously exemplifed in story COM
ing from England. In that country,
recently, mechanic having vainly ex-
ercised all his ingenuity in endeavor-
ing to get him wife, advertised in fit
of despair. He was profoundly in ear
nest, and so was the dame who respond
ed. They met, but whether it was the
color of her hair, or the shape of her
nose, or her disposition, it is net said
but he didn't fall captive to her
charms. He advertised again, varying
the form of his announcement, and
when he had an answer, went to see his
correspondent with heart beating high
with hope. Alas he found the equally
persevering spinster again. A third
time he wooed fate with yet differently
worded beguilement. He reached the
appointed place of meeting twas she
Crushed to the earth and convinced,
like Mr.. Swiveller, that destiny was full
of staggerers, he smiled, he conversed,
and meekly at last welded the deter.
mined woman.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16
THE SCIENCE OF KISSING.

People will kiss. Yet not one in
hundred knows how to extract bliss
from lovely lips, any more than they
know how to make diamonds from
charcoal. And yet it is easy, at least
for US. First, know whom yNR are 60
ing to kiss. Don't make a mistake,
although a mistake may be good.
Don't jump up like a trout for fly,
and smack woman on the neck or the
ear, or the corner of her forehead, or
on the end of her nose The. gentle.
man should be little the taller. He.
should have clean face, a kind eye,
and a mouth full of expression. Don't
kiss everybody. Don't sit down to it.
Stand up. Need not be anxious about
getting in crowd. Two persons are
plenty to corner, and catch kiss :;
more persons would spoil the sport.
Take the left hand of the lady in your
right; let your hat go to-any place out
of the way throw the left hand gently
over the shoulder of the lady, and let
it fall down the right side. Do not be
in hurry draw her gently, lovingly
to your heart. Her head will fall gent
ly on your shoulder, and handsome
shoulder strap it makes. Do not be in
hurry. Her left hand is in your right /;
let there be an impression to that, not
like the grippe of vice, but a gentle
clasp, full of electricity, thought and
respect. DO not be in a hurry. Her
head lies carelessly on your shoulder.
You are heart to heart. Look down in
to her half-closed eyes. Gently, but
manfully, press her to your bosom.
Stand firm. Be brave, but don't be in
a hurry. Her lips are almost open.
Lean slightly forward with your head,
not the body. Take good aim; the
lips meet; the eyes close; the heart
opens the soul rides the storms,
troubles, and sorrows of life (don't be
in hurry; heaven opens before you
the world shoots under your feet, as 6
meteor passes across the evening sky
(don't be afraid) the heart forgets its
bitterness, and the art of kissing i:
learned No fuss, no noise, no hutter
ing and squirming like hook-impalec
worms Kissing don't hurt, nor does i
require an act of Congress to make i
legal.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16
HEALTHY WORK.

The Indianapolis Herald says ::
" Mrs. Jipe, of Greasy Point, ILL.,, after
saving cord of wood, digging five
bushels of potatoes, milking twenty
cows, carrying ten tubs of water, and
doing washing of ten dozen pieces, in
centally mentioned being tired. Mr..
Jipes read to her from newspaper :
I believe that nothing would tend SO
efectually to get rid of these creatures
weariness, and that over. stimulation of
the emotions, as fair share of healthy
work directed toward definite object.
just here a can of royal baking powder
struck him in the abdomen. Following
this came a stove-lid, three pancakes, a
rotten tomato, salt cellar, bowl of but
termilk, and all the dough for Thurs
days baking. It was evident she con-
sidered her lord definite object, and
the fair share of work directed toward
him was little healthier than he would
have desired"
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16
DID NOT E0RGET.


Mr.. Larimer, lately of Costello
county, Colorado, was a fast young
man-so he came to Washington to get
an office. Like many disaipated young
men, he did not succeed. So he went
to the bad. While on his way to the
latter end, and just as he was about to
finish up, he was accidentally encount-
cred by Mr.. Waldo A. Blossom, a gen
tleman of means and good social posi-
ton, who saw in the young fellow some
good traits, and after brief chat took
him to his own house, treated him
kindly, put him on his self-respect, and
finally succeed in bring him back to the
ways that were good. He took the
course of empire. Soon afterward Mr..
Blossom removed to Jacksonville, Fla,
and heard no more of Larimer for
for twenty years. But last winter some
one sent him Colorado advertiser ment
signed Larimer," calling for informa-
ton of Blossom. Result Larimer
had died. He had settled in Colorado,
and applied himself necessarily to bust
ness, never married, got very rich, and
bequeathed the whole-nearly million
of dollars-to the benefactor who was
so good to him in Washington. All
true. Mr.. Blossom takes legal posses
sion of his new fortune during the pres
ent month.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16

THE railway which is soon to be con-
structed from Naples to the top of
Mount Vesuvius viii be about sixteen
miles long. From the city to the base,
of the mountain-fourteen miles-or-
dinary rails will be used, but for the
remainder of the way the system of
traction by iron rails will be adopted.
The terminus, which will be within
few steps of the crater. will be sunk
twenty metres under the lava. In case
of eruption the current would thus be
turned away from the rail, which,
throughout its whole course, will be
raised above the level of the soil.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16
OUR TOES.

Beyond question, we abuse our toes.
They are intended in the first place to
give fexibility to the foot, and help us
in our walking but the modern custom
of cramping them up in tight shoes
makes them almost as immovable as if
they grew together. So the help they
give is not so much after all. And as for
putting them to any other use, we never
think of it. We cramp and torture
them out of all likeness to their origi-
nal state. Who, for instaLce, could
imagine that the second toe was in
tended to be longer than the first
And yet, in perfectly formed foot, it
always is, though we are obliged to go
to statues and paintings to it find out.
And who, putting foot and a narrow
toed shoe side by side, would ever sus-
pect that they were intended for each
other? The fact is, our toes are our
most abused members, and so we don't
get half the good from them that we
might. The Chinese and the japanese
and Bedouin Arabs, it is said, from con
tinual practice, use their toes almost as
well as their hands. Arabs braid ropes
with their fingers and toes working il
concert. Why, then, should we dis.
pense with the use of these natural
aids :?
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16
N1oKNAMEs OF AMERICAN CITIES

MECHANICS OF AMERICAN CITIES.
The principal cities in the American
Union have from time to time received
various nicknames. For example, New
York is called Gotham Boston, the
Modern Athens, also the Hub /; Phila-
delphia, the Quaker City; Baltimore,
the Monumental City Cincinnati, the
Queen City New Orleans, the Crescent
City Washington, the City of Magnif-
cent Distances Chicago, the Garden
City Detroit, the City of the Straits
Cleveland, the Forest City ; Pittsburgh,
the Iron City New Haven, the City of
Elms Indianapolis, the Railroad City;
st. Louis, the City of Mounds Keokuk.
the Gate City :; Louisville, the Falls
City; Nashville, the City of Rocks
Quincy, the Model City Hannibal, the
Bluff City Alexandria, the Delta City;
Newburyport, the Garden of Eden
Salem, the City of Peace.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16

BERLIN. capital of the German
empire-Berlin-ra now as the thlrd
CITY in Europe in point of population,
and the first as regards rapldlty OF
growth. In 1882 Berlin only contained
2ss 600 people. On the first OF De-
cember, 1867, it contained 7O2, ,437 IN
babitants; and four years later, VIZ.
Dec /. 1871, it numbered 826, S4l. To-
day. including the gsrrison, 1t falls but
. few thousand short of one million
souls. thus ranking next after London
and Paris. It's growth is proceeding at
the rate of $4,000 per annun, requiring
yearly the construction of 1000 new
buildings to accommodate them and their
business.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16

MURAT HALsTEAD, of the Cincinnati
Commercial, was with the august King
of Denmark at the Geysers in Iceland.
He says: Early yesterday morning
the King sought, with a towel on his
arm and a piece of soap in his fist,
place to wash along one of the main
rivulets running from the Geysers, but
there were SO many of his followers
who had clearly not anticipated such
disposition on his part to help himself
engaged in performing their ablutions
and arranging their toilets by the
stream, that he was discouraged, and
retired unwashed to- his tent and this,
morning, in absence of other game, he
tried both barrels of his central fire
breech-loader on fappy old raven that
flew, squawking like amalignant idiot,
over his tent, and did not knock
feather out of the uncouth beast of
bird -
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16
LIVING TELEGRAPH POLES.

LIVING TELEGRAPH PoLEs.-A cor
respondent of the Scientific american
suggests that telegraph companies
plant trees on which to hang their
wires. " In most sections of the coun-
try the tree first planted would cost
but little more than pole, and after
two or three years in growth would be
a permanent pole which will not rot at
the bottom or need re-setting, and
would be seldom struck by lightning.
Having many times seen from three to
dozen poles, in row, shivered by a
charge Of electricity running along the
wires, the above question arose in my
mind"
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16

A STORY is told concerning storm on
Lake Erie, when one of the passengers
was bemoaning the critical state in
which the vessel and its passengers
were then placed, and asked friend
if the captain did not think the vessel
in great peril. The reply was that he
thought they would get through all
right if they could keep out in deep
water. .'Why,'' said the terrified one,
sscan't we drown just as well in deep
water as we can in shallow" Eyes, .
was the reply, ''but then you know if
We keep in deep water when the vessel
rolls over the masts won't stick fast in
the mud on the bottom and hold us
down"
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1874-10-16
THE NATIVE STA TEs OF INDIA.

L
A Calcutta newspaper has lately been
"taking stock of the native states of
India, by way of inclusion of their
statistics in the next decennial census
OF tue empire. There are no fewer than
153 states, great and small, reckoned as
feudatories of the government of India !;
and, excluding Berar and Mysore, which
are temporarily under English admins
tration, the total area of the country
governed by native rulers is 565, LOG
square miles, with an estimated popu-
Iation of 49,OO0,000. Including Berar
and Mysore, there is a native-ruled
population of $1,000, 900, paying to its
chief a revenue of 5000, 900 per an
mum, while the 184.OOO,OOO of people
inhabiting s3O,O square miles of ter
ritory directly under British rule,
contribute revenue of 0,000,0 900 per
annum. Upon this latter income, of
course, is charged the cost of keeping
the peace of the empire at large for
the 153 native states are relieved from
the obligation of sharing in the burdens
of public order and external security,
while they enjoy the benefit of both at
the expense of the taxpayers who are
directly subject to the Viceroy. It is
true that the native princes pay some
trifing- sums as tribute to the para
mount power but they amount to less
than three-quarters of million year,
while the allowances made by the gov
ernment of India to the same princes
chargeable on the revenue provided ex-
clusively by our own taxpayers,
amount to an annual sum of 81,
100000.