National Republican. (Washington City (D.C.)) 1872-1888, 1874-04-07
"REMINISCENCES OF SOUTHERN
PULPIT ELOQUENCE.
(BY H. a. b.

The following bit of drollery has appeared il
the Independent:
In the autumn of 1880 attended Methods
camp meeting in the interior of Georgia, ant
heard a sermon which have never been able
to forget or describe. At the earnest solicita
ton of friends, have attempted several timel
to write it. But 1t cannot be put upon paper
The main force Of it was in the snuffing, ant
splitting, and groaning, and hound-after-a-foI
sort of yelp and whine, to which no pen can dc
justice. 1t must be intoned to be appreciated
have preached It q thousand times for thu
amusement of friends, and have been satisfied
with my effort. 1 have used it as a remedial
agent in exercisingthe demons Of hypochondris
and have never failed "to send them down 6
steep place in the sea" or somewhere else, tc
the great relief of the sufferer.
The speaker had just been licensed, and II
was his first sermon. In person he was small
bullet-headed, of fair, sandy complexion, and
his countenance was indicative Of sincerity and
honesty.
His remarks evinced great reverence for the
works of God as manifested in zoology an6
natural history, and twas taking up the Bible
in regular order for the first time in his Hfe.'
He had gotten as far as the history of Noah
the ark, the food, etc. Besides, "just before
his conversion he had been reading Goldsmith q
Animated Mater and the two together, by
the aid and assistance of the Sperit, had led
him into powerful train of thinking as be
stood at his workbench day in and day out.'
But whatever his sermon may have been, II
was his own. The text was: GAS it was in
the days of Noah, so shall the coming Of the
son of man be-" After commenting upon that
portion of Genesis descriptive of the food, he
''wsrmed up" suddenly, and broke out in the
following strains:
"Yes, my brethren, the heavens of the win
dows was opened-ah, and the foods of the
great deep kivered the waters-ah, and there
was She n, and there Ham, and there Japheth
a-l-l-a-gwine into the Ark-ah.
"And there was the elephant-sh, that great
animal-an, of which Goldsmith describes in
his Animated Nater'-ah, what is as big as
house-ah, and his bones as big as tree-sh, de-
pending somewhat on the size of the tree-ah,
a-l-l-a-gwine into the Ark-ah. And the heav-
ems Of the windows was opened-ah, and the
foods of the great deep kivered the waters
ali; and there was Shem, and there was Ham,
and there was Jspheth-ah, all a-gwine into
the Ark-ah.
"And there was the hippopoptamus-ah, that
great animal-ah of which Goldsmith de-
scribes In his Animated Mater -ah, what has g
great horn ali stickin' right straight up Out
Of his foreward-ah six feet long, more or less-ah
depending somewhat on the length of Utah
all a-gwlne into the Ark-ah.
"And there was the giraffe-ah, my brethren
that ll-contrived reptile, of which Goldsmith
describes in his Animated Mater -ah, WHOSE
forelegs is twenty-five feet long Yah, more OF
less al, depending somewhat on the length o.
'em-ah, and q heck so long he can eat hay of
the top of q barn-ah, all a-gwine into the
Ark-ab. And the heavens Of the windows wa:
opened-ah, and the floods Of the great deer
kiyered the waters-ah; and there was Ham
and there was shem, and there was Japheth-ah
all s-gwine into the Ark-ah.
"And there was the zebra, my brethren-ah,
that beautiful animal of which Goldsmith de-
scribes IN his Animated Nater'-ah, who has
three hundred stripes q running right around
his body-ah, more or less, depending some
what on the number of stripes-ah, and nary
two stripes alike-ah, all a-gwine into the Ark
ali.
"And there was the annconder-ah, that-ah
great sarpint of which Goldsmith describes IL
his Animated Mater -ah, which can swallow
six oxens at a meal-ah, provided his appetite
don't call for less-ah, all a7gwine into the Ark
ali. And the heavens of the windows was
opened-ah, and the floods Of the great deer
kivered the wsters-sh, and there was shem
and there was Ham, and there was Japheth-ah
all a-gwine into the Ark-ah.
"And there was the lion-ah, what Is king Of
beasts, aecordin' to Scripter' -ah, and who, as
body-sh; all s-gwine into the Ark-ah.
"And there was the antelope-ah, that frisky
little critter-ah, of which Goldsmith describes
In his Animated Nater'-ah, what can jump
seventy-fve foot straight up-sh and twice that
distance down-ah, provided his legs Will take
him that fur-ah."
Just at this point he stopped speaking few
moments, wiped his forehead, turned back his
wristbands, run his fingers through his hair,
spit and rubbed his boot in It, drank little
water, commenced on Q lower key, and pro-
ceeded as follows:
"But the time would fail me, my brethren,
to describe all the animals that went into the
ark-ah. Your patience and my strength would
give out before got half through ali. We talk,
my brethren, about the faith Of Abraham and
the patience of Job-ah; but 1t strikes me they
didn't 60 much ahead Of old Noer-ah. 1t TUX a
right smart chance o. both to gather up all
that gopher wood and pitch and other truck
for to build that craft-ah. I am q sort of car
penter myself, and have some idea of the job
ali. But to hammer and saw, and maui, and
split away on one thing hundred and twenty
year-ah, an looking fur his pay in an
other world-ah-I tell you, my brethren,
II the Lord had sot Job at that
it's my opinion he would tuck his wife's ad-
Dbs
his righteous soul was yexed every day, hand
runniTl', with the filthy communications Of the
blasphemous set that was always a-loaferin'
and a saunterin' around-ah, a-pickin' up his
tools and misplacin' 'em, and a-callin' him an
old fool or somethin' worse-ah; and, TO cap the
climax, he was q preacher, and had that un-
godly gineration on his hands every Sunday-ah.
But the Lord stood by him, and seed the job
through-ah; and when everything was ready,
he didn't send Noer ont to scrimmage an scour
an, hunt all over the wild world for to get up
the critters and varmounts that he wanted
saved-ah. They all come to his hand Of their
own accord, and Noer only had to head 'em In
and fix them around In their plsces-ah. Then
he gathered up his own family, and the Lord
shut him in, and the heavens Of the windows
was opened-ah.
"But, my brethren, Noer-ah had use for
patience after this-ah. Think what time he
must a-had a-feedin', and s-waterin', and g.
cleanin' out after SIGH q crowd-ah. Some of
'em, sccordin' to Goldsmith's Animated
Nater-sh,' was carnivorous, and wanted fresh