The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-10-17
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

common sucr-A lawyer. L. Sic Is Ilkel.
TO be a drain to his client.
lodging house iend tells the story that in
recent thunder storm the warning of the clc
ments was so awe inspiring that the hair in
dish of butter in the pantry turned completed,
white during the night
The Earl of Ross has been making some new
experiments with his great telescope and the
Boston Post thinks he is ready to find Charley.
When Boston woman loses her little black
and.tan, and can't find it, she concludes it has
been stolen, and Immediately wants to hire Fan.
euil Hall to hold an indignation meeting in.
A Milwaukee paper says: What is wanted in
Kansas is more telegraph poles, or stronger ones
The average pole holds only about four horse
thieves comfortably"
Some one who would seem to know says that
women are housewives in Germany, queens in
England, ladies in France captivcs in Italy,
slaves in Spain and coquets in America.
This il the way Il colorcd preacher at Rich
mond arranged his hearers for mutual convcn-
icncc " De fore part oh dc church will please sit
down so de hind part 90 dc church can see de
fore part for dc hind part can't sec dc fore part
ef de fore part persist in stanin before de hind
part to dc utter exclusion of dc hind part by dc
fore part
Brief colloquy in Texas between tourist and
a natiye:-"My friend, why is it everybody in
this country thinks it necessary to carry one or
tworcvolvcrs? ~" Well, stranger" said the Texan,
"you mought travel around here good long
time and not want weapon, but when you do
want pistol in this country you want it bad"
\ pouting bride, on the first sea voyage, writes
home: "Thc motion of a screw steamer is like
riding gigantic camel that has the heart dis.
ease, and you do not miss single throb. know
Of nothing to compare with it for Boredom, un.
less it be your honeymoon when you have mar
ricd for money
1t having been asked, by one curious in the
causes of things why two-thrds Of the hotel
clerks are bald" It keen observer gives it as his !
opinion that it may be "bccause the forces Of
nature have been diverted from the scalp TO the
cultivation Of supernatural cheek"
The Earlyllc gazette, in utter innocence Of
wrong intention, propounds this conundrum,
which we cannot answer, We submit it to Beech
or Brigham Young-two busy BIS;
husband and wife in Evansville, Wisconsin,
have each nine children of their own, and yet
there is only twelve children in the family, How
many Of the children belong to both?
Some man in Boston publishes a paper called
the Kingdom Of Henen, for sevcnty.fvc cents n
year OF course it is bogus affair. The gcnu-
inc Kingdom OF Heaven can be had without
money and without price.
Peter H., OF Brazil, is said 20 be the richest
monarch in the world, and there are many who I
would like to be Peter two.-EI. \
\ western writer in dilating upon the scandal c
OF the great city by the sea, gives the component
parts OF Theodore Elton in the following Ian \
Suagc: Take about one part weakness and in a
sanity, two parts cgotlsn and vanity, three parts
lies and profanity, and about nine and II half /
parts Of real old genuine lust, dcviltry and de. |
PRAYED humanity, and stir them up together, and
you have the boys Ingredients Byvarying the |
and adding three parts hypocrisy, q
and peck OF pure rottcnncsS, you can manuiac- {
turc the Woodruff, Clahn "reformors" in any r
DaiiB Ne'cs. Ii
The result Of prohibition-homcwar the 7
swallows ly-at midnight, chucl, full of old rye. b
- Lr. n
And yet they are dry d
The Chicago Tribune thinks it possible that =
Bccchcr was not quite GO years of age when he T.
began this sort OF thing .
What sort? Was hypocrisy one of the thing, a
referred too: b
When We ir,t saw it mentioned in PRINT that q
Susan Il. sat on Theodore Tltons knee then did pc
we hope that she, hndn't been naughty nor free b
"ith The aforesaid he, and now we see Il yindica. Il
ion that makes it cutie lovclcc II
Miss susan b. Anthony has at last explained II
her conduct in sitting in Tton's lap, in this u
wise: She say that Theodore loosely asked =
low much she weighed, and she euid Guess
Md he says, " Come here, Susie, and sit oil my
,nca till helt luu; and them like giddy young r.
,irl rs syc Is, she sat down on his lap and hc M
suddenly spread his legs apart and to keep from N
alling Hat on The hoor, she threw her arms Is
round his Dpcl, and was 50 mad she attempted II
o bite hiGi on tic face for his rude conduct and ~
&c got 'nad aud attempted to bite her, and that !,
vas AZ there was uf it, aud it's nonsense for that is
title chit Cl Bessie to say that she was doing W
nything wrong" CT
The Woodruff family are all back in this "
ountrv again. It's well they achieved their |
cen said and done in higher circles during the Ot
asst few months, they have become compare III
vcly respectable sct-DaJuque (Id) Times. ar
The Bureau County RpublicdH is finding good Ia
cal OF fault over canvas COyerCd hams" But Il
c certainly can not have occasion to complain al
luch longer rs 1t is about the time Of the year pI
, put on thicker pantalOons.-IOst and Mdk a,
Spite may be justified against mothers-in. II
aw, but isn't II carrying it too far when ii Is di- -
ected toward, one only in prospective, as in n
bis instance: Il
married woman in Mohawk, y. Y, was p
Prospective muthcr-in-law, and she wanted To "
nd out exactly what kind of u chap he WAS who
vas counting hc- daughter So she dressed her
ELF up In male attire and went to a hall where
he certain to meet him. During the even IA
NJ, disguised a. a fashionable young flop, she n
managed to get into quarrel with the young ~
nan himself Lacking masculine muscle she q
vas wUrstcd In a ballroom scrimmage. Her new
lug hat was smashed down over her face, her r.
Ose stopped well-meant blow, and her nous p
a.. III. al. l.