, 1874-08-09
HuMDR.

The best method OF constructing dan-
| Without an "u,'
The man who went to sleep on = railroad
track found hs rest MAS good deal broken
aud his leg, too. =,
q stranger Of newsboy yesterday. L don't
| know" leplied the boy ''are you lonesomoi"
Since New York housekeepers got to sprink-
| ling pies with croton oil aud leaving them around
loose. servant girls have given up evening
| lunches
The guardians Of the peace at Columbus, O.,
| are 30 Jealous IN the dischatGe Of their dutlcs
| that they take no uote OF personal mlsbaps, for
it il seriously stated that one police officer there
| had his trousers stolen from him recently. while
| lie WAS On duty.
An unhappy husband IN Pennsylvania, who
| plunged a knte into hia abdomen, aud forced it
| to the hir by jamminY the haud1e against the
wall, displayed AL amount OF energy which would
have made his fortune in the patent-medicine
business.
Awkward lao, Edith, won't you kiss Dr..
M'Chlskle!" I'm so shy. mamma! You kiss
linn first!"
An IONA editor recently announced that =
! certain patron Of his VAS thteylng "a usual"
I It MAS written thriving
| An hour passed or-the Turk awoke. He
had been sleeping in front OF a grocery IL Cairo.
and as he got up he pulled out resolver and
wounded three iuen, saying: " Somehow, l don't
| feel lively to-day"
| - Who asked it yer wanted anything ?" said
| a Lowell p-dd!cr to a lady who said t4at abe
did not ns soon she opened the door. Mind
yer pcezness, aud don't refuse to buy till you
| arc asked"
| "A PENNSYLVANIA boy got so homesick that he
| walked IS miles, without eating, in order to sit
] down once more At the family A-arth-store. He
| was received with sucn warmth by his male
| parent tha: 1t vas several days before he could
| sit down anywhere.
| -S1ng Sing otticial-"If you have any trade,
prisoner, state It, and We will put you to work at
| it," Prisoner (juBt enlered) )-''We1l boss, l
| was brung up 9 bartender, aud Id like to go to
! work at that!"
"A wsg, with the word 'who1," brought
horse dllyen by young man to dead stop
''That's fne beast Of yours" says the wag.
'les, pretty good sort of an animal, but he
has Que fault. He was once owned bg butcher,
and Is sure to stop Whenever be hears calf
blcat.
-Tcnder-hearted persons who have read Of
| tho tierce raids Of Texan steers through the
strtets Of St. Louis will ba pleased to learn from
the markct reporte that "thera il better feel
ing Ill Texas cattle"
1t seems like waste OF time to spend five
yea at West Polut for the purpose of acquiring
the title Of Lieutenant, when boy eau BE- called
"Colo.el" by einltly addressing few words to
any tl1,ro-y cougrea atm in Lar-room-
When Napoleon was . small boy and was
ssked whether he could tell what nationality he
was OF. he Indignantly 1eplled: or Corslcan.'
When Chang aud Eng ~as q small boy he WAS
asked if he waa native Of Sam, and he iuoig-
nnutly replied - Or course Siam"
- What brought you to prison, my colored
friend ?" enid Yankee to uleger. 1.-Two Con-
stables, sah." ''yes but mean had mtomper-
ance anything to do with it 7" "Ies, san dey
WAS bot OF 'eul drunk"
Notes OF the storm still come in. 4 visitor
from Louisville WIS struck by the wind aud as he
few up Wisconsin street witt his ears unfur9ed,
a gentleman remarked, - I knew that the wIud
would fetch the cucua-sent. ."-.A1toaukee Sen
tiHei-
-Mamma-'' Johnny, what are you doing7"
Johnuy-'' Q, Tn juot cutting up this suit for
rags; want to he a poor chilo, aud 60 down the
hatbor On an excursion"
The women cleaned the saloons out Of Ur-
bana, O., and now Mathematics, thai for fifty
yeals have been unknown, lnfesr tile place to
tha, exteut thai not dares str abroad With
ont his bottle Of whisky, as m antidote against
the uppEehcndcd poison.
a West Side man dropped huge watermelon
just as Lo reached his gate With 1t, yesterday.
Never mind. It may save you doctors bill.
was the consolata1y observation Of passer-by.
Nothing SO much desrtoys our peace OF mind
as to hear another express hls lntoution to 6lve
us piece OF hts
a llttle boy heard his mother tell Of eighteen
head of cattle being burnt the other uEAs.
"Werent their tails burat also:" lie inquired
Tho Philadelphia Ledger doesn't w1lte any
obituary poetry outside of Philadelphia. This
IL tue style in which it 1nentiaons the death of
q snali boy OF Lowell: ''Lowell-Satu1day,
Two little boys and pistol Now, only one lit
tle boy and pistol"
Why is schoolmistress like the letter Co.
Because she makes classes OF lasses.
Gen. Grant to our fellow-countryTnen-
us have pence." Sangu1uary red mau, enticIng
frontier settler with the persuasions Of the
tomatlawk-'' Let us have top piece"
Tho bov who, when asked to what trade ho
would wish to be brought up, replied: II will
be trus.oo, because ever since papa has beou
trustee we hav. had puddiuEa for dinner" waH
wlhe child in his gcnel atio.l-
1.-THE Servants "-alYtreBs: "Jane, tell
cook Iii come down and SEQ what she wants
done to that stove, as the builders coming to-
morrow" Jane: %, please, 'um, don't think
we can ask you into the kitchen, to-dIy mum, as
cook and mes got email and early at 'ome,'
this afternoon, NUM-"
-Smythe was telling some friends about
wonderful parrot, hanging IN cage in the door
Of store on State stleet- Why" said he, that
time bear it always stop. Now, hang it, wha4
you all laughing about; 7"
According to correspondent, the following
notice IL to be seen displayed at the corner OF
street in New orloans: :" Gentlemen are earnest
~ requested not to fire oil their fevolyers near
this corner. Al the proprietor OF the peanut
htand ,s nervous, and has Il douole-balreled Hho.-
gun constantly on hand.'
From the large resard asked for the return
OF the stolen child it il probable that the abduc-
tors are laboriug under the impression that it is
Rothschild instead of a lioss child they have III
their power.
Ia the case Of stolen cigars, the pa1taga is
as bad Us the thief"
Two Confederate soldiers wero talking to-
gether, when one asked the other: "Where
was yon enduring the war;" Tie other replied.
II WAS tweuty-tour months in the army, sir.''
4aas. wal, whey was you enduring that time"
II was twenty-three months in the hospital"
"And whey wos you enduring tue other month";"
II was looking for tho hospital"
Heard about Pete and Jake?" inquired
one boy Of another 1s they met near the City
Hall yesterday. No,-what's ter pay?" WAS
the reply. "Wall. I'll tell yer, but the pleece
mustn't git to bear word, Jake he called Pete
flop and peto he called Jake caterpillar,
and thew shooA hands and agreed to havo it out
! next Monday jake is eating eggs and raw beef,
| and Pete il down to the slaughter-houses smell
ing blood, ana tell you tnc1e'l be the most aw-
fullest time Monday you ever heard of!"-Dctrol
t Free Press
"My son" said 3lr. Marrowfat to Artaxer1es,
g1auciug over his paper. ut the break:ast-table.
| the other moi ming. . do you remember the az
vice Of Me2histopheles to Faust:" NO." re-
| epondcd that intelligent and respectful child,
Hio Arf kt,.