Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1874-12-03
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MARK TWAIN'S COLD.

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MARK TWAIN's COLD.
Mark Twain being invited to attend the
anniversary exercises of New York grammar
school, lately, was obliged to decline, and sent
the following letter, giving his reasons
HARTFORD, c., October 5, 1874.
Miss K. " Whae-.Dear Madam II re-
gret exceedingly being unable to accept your
kindinvitation (also P. &. Dufy's) to be pres
ent at your commencement exercises, but the
annoying and vexatious illness which still
hangs about me, together with some business
engagements, will prevent. The illness to
which I refer is severe cold which 1 took in
New York last winter, during the lecture sea-
son. Perhaps the recital of how l tried to
cure this cold may be of interest, and may
serve instead of the few remarks you so polite
ly asked me to make to the friends and pupils.
The first time began to sneeze, friend told
me to 60 and battle my feet in hot water and
20 to bed. I did so. Shortly after another
friend told me to get up and take cold shower
bath. I did that ALSO Within the hour
another friend assured me that it was policy
to feed cold and starve fever. 1 had both
So I thought it best to fill myself up for the
cold, and let the fever starve while In a
caseo of this kind seldom do things by halves /;
ate pretty heartily. I conferred my custom
upon stranger, who had just opened his res
taurant on Cortlandt street, near the hotel,
that morning, paying so much for full meal
He waited near me in respectful silence un-
til had finished feeding my cold, when he
inquired if the people about New York were
much afflicted with colds. I told him l
thought they were He then went out and
took in his sign. I started up toward the Of
flee, and on the way encountered another bosom
friend, who told me quart of warm salt water
would come as near curing cold as anything
in the world I hardly thought had room
for it, but l tried it, anyhow. The result was
surprising I believe threw up my immor-
tai soul. Now, as give my experience only
for the benefit Of those of your friends who
are troubled with this dstemper, feel that
they will see the propriety of my cautioning
them against following such portions of it as
proved inefficient with me and acting upon
this conviction, / warn them against warm
salt water. 1t may be a good enough remedy,
but think it is rather too severe If | had
another cold in the head, and there was no
course left me but to take an earthquake or
quart Of warm salt water, l would take my
chances on the earthquake. After this every
body in the hotel became interested, and I
took all sorts of remedies-hot lemonade, cold
lemonade, pepper tea, boneset, stewed Quaker,
hoarhound syrup, onions and loaf sugar, lem
ons and brown sugar, vinegar and laudanum,
FIVE bottles of fir balsaln, eight bottles cherry
pectoral, and ten bottles of Uncle Sans rem.
edy, but all without effect. One Of the pre-
scri ptions given by an old lady was-well, it
was dreadful. She mixed a decoction COM
posed of molasses, catnip, peppermint, aqua
FORTS, turpentine, kerosene, and various other
drugs, and instructed me to take a winegass
oft every fifteen minutes. l never took but
one dose that was enough. | had to take to
my bed, and remain there two entire days
When l felt little better more things were
recommended. I was desperate, and willing
to take anything. Plain gin was recommend
ed, then gin and molasses, then gin and onions
I took all three. I detected no particu lar re-
suit, however, except that had acquired
breath like turkey buzzard, and had to
change my boarding. place At this new
place they suggested different remedy to any
yet tried. A sheet bath was recommended.
Ihad never refused remedy yet, and it seemed
poor policy to commence then; therefore l
determined to take sheet bath, though had
no idea what sort of arrangement it was. 1t
was administered at midnight, and the wealth
er was very frosty. My back and breast were
stripped, and e. sheet (there appeared to be a
thousand yards of it) soaked in ice water was
wound around ME until resembled a swab
for columbiad. 1t is cruel expedient.
When the chilly rag touches ones warm flesh
it makes him start with sudden violence, and
gasp for breath, just as men do in the death
agony. Itfroze the marrow in my bones and
stopped the beating Of my heart. [ thought
nv time had come. When recovered from
this friend recommended the application of
mustard plaster to my breast believe
that would have cured me effectually ifit had
not been for young Clemens. When | went
to bed put the mustard plaster where [ could
reach it when l should be ready for it, but
young Clemens got hungry in the night and
ate it up. l never saw any child have such
an appetite / am confident that he would
have eaten me if had been healthy. After
all this experience, you cannot wonder that
dread going to New York, and feel obliged to
decline your kind invitation. Wishing you a
successful and pleasant time, 1 remain, very
respectfully,
S. L. CLEMENS (Mark Twain.)
STUDY OF NATURE.-When Smeaton was
in search of that form best fitted to resist the