The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-08-15

deal about the " thcatcr OF war;" suggested thI'
the back seats must be very dcsrable.-EI
And how about the dandy soldiers who occupy
the "drcss circle" of the "theater OF wal
St. Louis paper had a two column account Of
n hotel Of that city. The bedbugs, after reading
it over, carefully held meeting and denounced
the paper for not mentioning them.
A"devil went into the Elgin Adrocdte oilic(
the other night and "ped -" the whole business
The Office, to use printers phrase. afterwards
presented a hell Of An appearance.
"Deyil" and "hell" we wish our readers t'
understand, are strictly professional terms ahC
mean nothing rough whatever.
There is good boy in Lisbon ii we may be
l. icye the Lewistown Journal,who, when he iouhe
his aged mothers bible was too fine print Tor hci
failing cyesight, sold the book and bought a baa'
ball and bat and four sticks of chewing candy.
They have a new game in Waukegan, says the
pot,,ol called granger seven.up." Three per
sons play for Jug OF lager. The first man ou'
gets the beer, the last man out gets the Jug anu
the "middlc man don't get anything.
On Friday morning last, between Il ana
| O'Clock, the cry of fire was again nero on o''
streets.EL.
| That fire should have been better he'ned.
| Oshkosh. Wis, has the champion diver lie
started on dive last week and has NOT come ~
vet. 1t is supposed that he must be unwcil'-E|
PERHAPS he is industriously hunting FOR the
bottom
! II f. Miller on Friday had occasion to remon
stratc with mule because lie didn't keep up his
side in the team he mildly and in joking man
ncr kicked with his foot-thc mule entering IN,
to the spirit OF things joked back WIN poth hihu
feet. ,,, i
Miller isn't very well now, having broken ia"
and damaged ear.
IL. thinks that mule is the heaviest joker he
ever mct.-CreStOn Times.
Imagine how they exist in Florida without
daily paper. No wonder alligators are plenty.
Second Adycntists now say Jan. l. 1901. This
il comfort0blc.-Er.
We are glad of this, because VI do not eXpec'
to be there.
Sometimes there is much in name. Here arc
two examples:
nsctahachusawommock Island is not
such fayoric resort since tourists found out
the charms Of Observation-Disclosures hpldosn
lOukzirz Bay.
When gentleman ISLANDERS Il lady in Ham
burg ~ j., the fair one welt him over the heae
with board full of sharp nails, and that make
! the gentleman wish he'd held his tonguc.-Nc"
York ETcha"Ge.
A musical editor docs the last popular piece
Of music thusly
Mother, bring my little Kitten is the lates
" popular ballad" The mcwsick il fair, 50 fur
but The words seem TO have been scratched OF
rather hurricdly, and strung out to such
length that there is feeling of relief when thu
singer comes to paws.
Here Is the last on the comet:
"pye rot 'cm againm shouted Mississippi
boatnan when the Irst comet burst upon II!
Ibewildered vision And then he wildly proceed
ed to relate his experience: SNAKES I've nae
before, and now the stars have got tails on 'cHi
I'm II dead MANI So much for knowing toe
much Of whisky and too little OF astronomy.
The editor of the Quincy wing, heading a tar
antula story, a dangerous bedfellow," accidcn
tally put the head over the statement of Mrs
Tiltou.
Why should the bean keep ahead Of all othe
vegetables? Because II has pole.-Lo'"H Con
rier The bean has the pole, but in the veGctabl
race the cabbage is sure to come in head.-Bo'
tom Daiiy advertiser. OF course the bean nor tn
cabbage can't he beet, but the race would pot b
so easy il some OF the green things cnrcdn
about II. The carrot Tor instance, seems I
CARGO Boston Transcript The last pun Is S
very small that it might be called punkin.-
boston Giobe. 1t LOOKS to Us rs If the man ha
completcly squashcd out.-BoSfon Times.
. Lettuce forgive those Yankee idiots
, All of the above makes pretty fair editoria
garden sass.
When YOU see Il man bend forward with wO
upon his face and hand upon his stomach yo
| may know that early watcrmclons have arrived
lis true, for alas! these are the melon-choli
days--thc saddcst Of the year.
| The Houston CGa.J JuGu0i publishes the 70
lowing kind and feeling obituary:
"The wife Of loci Griffin, the noted Radca
died few days since. She was . superior We
man, and was heartily ashamed OF her husband
course. She possessed considerable propcrt
but did not leave joel cent, and he Is M
happy"
, An elderly maiden in Lockport \. " pu
chased one of the Egyptian mummics at the y
agara Falls Museum the other day, for parlC
ornament She said II would seem better TO hay
a man around, even if he was advanced in lf
and withcrcG
Those who may read this are worse than he:
then who fail to take this gentle hint