National Republican. (Washington City (D.C.)) 1872-1888, 1874-04-14
PORTE Ora YON SKETCHES.
TOBACCO VERSUS HAT.


Deacon Clumper, Of College Hill, attended the
union temperance prayer-meeting held at the
Congregational church last week. II was the
first time he had been, but he was remarkably
composed and confdent-so much so that he took
his beaver. Of Stinemets's best, and placed It
confidingly under the seat in front OF him. A
Saratoga trunk can pass under any Of the seats in
that church, but when the deacon placed his hat
under this one he was not aware OF the fact, and
got it too far under. There was an antiquated-
looking individual sitting directly over the spot
where he had placed his hat, and during the ex-
erclses the deacon, In pitching about, managed to
crowd his beaver between the feet Of this old
veteran tobacco-chewer, and exactly in the spot
where he was spouting the juice. The deacon
never chevs; on the contrary, he has an heredi-
tary aversion to the business, and consequently
at first he couldn't understand the movements of
the old patriarch as he Bonded forward, spit,
rubbed his hand over his mouth and then straight
ened back, apparently relieved. He became
interested in the old man, and not being able 10
account for these strange movements he tapped
him on the shoulder and asked him IN o whisper
If he felt unwell. "Why no; what made you think
that, he returned. "0h, nothing, only noticed
that you often put your head on the back or the
next seat and appeared to be distressed" said the
deacon. THAT" again replied the stranger, sis
the way have Of splitting" The deacon remem-
DtEeu pOslllOn VI Tue COlOIeu peTCcptlDly,
and reached to rescue it from that which he most
despIsed-tobacco juice. He went down bcaming
with hope, but when he came up his entire coun-
tenanGe had changed. The lips We're firmly set,
the eyebrows twitched nervously, while his hand
went into q coat pocket and returned with a hand
kerchief He muttered "csh" and commenced
wiping the hand which went for but didn't bring
back the hat. Then he looked around for assist
ance, but he had foolishly left his wife at homo,
and consequently he had to fish out the hat
single-handed. 1t wasn't singIe-handed exactly,
either for he both feet under the seat, twined
them gently about the beaver and drew It out.
What o sight. 1t looked as though it might have
been shot through o pneumatic tube, trimmed
with leaky spttooons. The deacon isn't man
that will get up during religious services and
kick a man down the aisle and through the vesti-
bu!e into the street on q slight provocation, no
matter how strongly he may be inclined to do so.
This even disposition led the man in more peace
full ways. He took an Erening Star from his
pocket and wiped the hat out and of and then
set 1t upon the seat to dry. But It was too odor-
ferrous scent arose from it which began to
attract the attention Of those nearest him, and he
became nervous, slezed the beaver and darted
down the aisle like man Of property going to q
fire. Fortunately for the old patriarch the
services were only half over, and after remaining
In the vestibulc for some time for him to come
out, the deacon gave up the proposed interview
and left for home and its happiness, riding on the
front platform OF the car the whole distance,
much to the annoyance ofthe driver.
GOLDFISH EPISODE.
The gentleman in question is q dry-goods clerk
with the usual bald spot on hts head. Hc had
been promised the present of goldfish for some
time past, and on Saturday his friend arrived at
the store on the Avenue with the fish neatly en-
cased in o glass globe. The knight of the yard
stick went into ecstacies over the flnny gift and
straight took of his linen duster douned lis coat
and hat and started home to show it to his wife,
who was exceedingly fond OF pets. As he passed
by heightened restaurant on his way, he slipped
in to show some friends his prize and they re-
quested him to forthwith wet It. 1t occurred to
the clerk that the treats were highly appropriate
for the occasion, and he Immediately set up tho
drinks. Drink after drink was drank for the
health OF the fish and everybody else who needed
1t, until It came TO pass that the clerk got un-
usually happy. This was fno chance for a wag
who was q member Of the party to play one of his
pitiless pranks. He took the fsh out of the jar,
and, unobserved by the clerk, placed moderate
sized carrot in its place. After awhile the party
broke up, and the yardstick man started for
home, with pride in his eyes and brick in his
hat, fully determined to agreeably surprise his
wife with q real, live gold fish. She met him at
the front door. "Dear, said he, you'll perceive
by casting (hlc) your optics (hc at this yere jar
that I've captured that which you so much (hie)
want" The wife looked at the carrot for q mo-
ment. and then seiZing the jar she drew 1t out,
and holding it up to her husbands face. said, in
reproving tones, John, that's nothing but o car
rot! !" He took It in his hands, turned 1t over,
snelt of it, and then casting 1t to the floor CRIED
Ill be blamed If that haint one of the most mys-
terious metamorphises Of modern (hic) times. I'll
bet my last (hicj dollar on Darwin And his
vile took him gently By the pape Of the neck and
pushed him up stairs to bed; gssE a.
MOSES tSb TaE WINDOW CURTAIN.
Yesterday while DR.. Lord was lecturing, in
Lincoln hall, on the life of Moses, the warm rays
came streaming in OF q window where the cur
tain wasn't, with insupportable heat and bright
ness. Three stalwart young usheTs came to the
rescue. They were compelled to got up twenty
feet from the floor in order to remedy the trouble,
and with great forethought they secured q ten
foot ladder for the work. The slender thing was
put up and the most daring of the trio cautiously
rf1T crop. TO IL uppE ISgaa, and tAs2 looked back
and smiled a smoie Of triumph at his companions,
who were supporting the ladder below. He had
two strings in one hand, the curtain in the other
halrdozen screws in his mouth and about three hun
dred people looking directly al the back his head,
expecting every minute that he would fall or
swallow the sereWs-they didn't say which. He
Is tho best man on the upper Found Of lsduer
that congregation ever saw. He put the curtain
in the hand which held the strings, took 9 screw
out Of his tssth, balanced confidently On his tip
toes and Screwed the screw into the wood work,
while DIR. Lord was talking about the dizzy
height Of Mount Sinai and the ten command
me1ts. The curtain was safely put up and ap-
parently answered the purpose, Notwithstanding
It looked ns though it had passed through the
mutilatify process of a threshIng machine.