Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1874-07-10
VOL. xLv1n. NEW SERIES. VOL. XXI.
HUMOROUS.
Some men like to be malt.trented


Why is Sunday the strongest day in tho
week because all the rest are week DAYS
How to tell fresh caught shad. Firs
decide what You want to tell him, ther
whisper it in his ear.
When lady stands at the hymeneal altal
with her intended, you may know she i,
about to draw her beau into knot.
The most bashful girl we ever heard OF
was the young lady who blushed when she
was asked ifshc had not been courting
sleep.
During a recent freshet in Connecticut an
editor telegraphed to another at the scene of
action ''Send me full particulars of the
flood" The answer came "You will find
them in Genesis
An intoxicated man saw TWO cars passing
him the other evening with red and blue
lights in the front and rear. His fuddled
brain comprehended colored lights. and he
was heard to say to himself ''Must be pref
ty siek-sickly here; they are running drug
stores around on wheels.
"lf You don't see what You want. ask for
it. " is posted up in conspicuous place in
Logansp0rt grocery. \ native stepped into
the establishment last week. lie saw the
card and remarked, II want ten-dollar
bill, and | don't see it," Neither do | >"
was the laconic reply.
"Whilc iourneying by rail, "saysa traveller
81 witnessed the following incident. One
night, Just after had scrambled into my
sleeping berth, heard loud and angry
voices proceeding from the rear of the ear.
i tell You this is sleeping car. and you
can't come in without ticket. 'Begorrah.
| had a ticket >'W here Is it, I've lost
it. If you really had the misfortune to
lose yoGr ticket, perhaps you can remember
your BERTH There was an interval of silence.
Paddy evidently employed his thinking
powers, och, be jahcrs - he exclaimed at
length, Il was bora ON the 18th day of
October, lS2S
\ humorous old man fell in with an igno-
rant and rather impcrtinent Young minister
who proceeded TO inform the old gentleman,
in positive terms, that he could never reach
heaven unless he was born again. and added
Il have experienced that change, and now
feel no anxiety And you have been born
again >" said his comuauion, musingly
'-lcs, trust have. "Wcll. said the old
gentleman, cycinc him attentiycly. IL don't
think it would hurt You To be born once
more.
\ return cmigrant wagon passed through
Cedar Falls Iowa, last week, bearing the
expressive and eurhoniou~ label, "D-n the
erasshcppers- '
Mr. George Ca~,ator. OF llagcrstown. Ind.
Is one 10 vear~ old. Tie has chewcd tobac-
co since he was 10 years old and consequent
ly he has failed very fast during tine past
twenty wears.
\ lamcn,cl citizen in Montana, whose
passion for horses led him out 10 the end of
% convenient hough. and whose ultimate
views of life We're taken tlrougha Slip-noo~c,
declared it {, be hi> conviction (Which was
uuanimou~) that this world Is all hemp-tie
show LoHaga FHG.-llc WAS evidently a
citizen imported from London. where the
letter ''h' is peculiar Institution.
\ writer on English wits says "Cdrran
was sometime paid in his own coin. a. ou
one occasion when he pressed Goodwin for his
opinion Of a speech he had Just delivered
Since YOU ciH have my opinion said God
win, folding his arms and leaning back IN
his chair with sang t-a!a, Il really never
did hear anything So bad as your prose ez-
cept your poetry my dear Curnn Douglas
Jerrold 5 Wit was often cxcrted in this kind
OF way, amusing enough to by~uudcr~, hIt
nightly unpleasant % the butt. Thus
member of tie club hearing an air mentioned.
That always carries me away
when hear it, Can anybody whistle it 80
asked .ierrold Again. after supper Of
sheels' heads. an enthusiastic gentleman ey-
claims. Well. ~heerS heads forever. say !.
Jerrold-'lhcTc'S csoti-m
y Paterson man who bad placed -cserai
tightening rods On hI~ horse was delighted.
during n recent storm, at seeing il struck in
two places, while the house of his neighbor,
who was too mean 20 Jay lor a lightning rod.
was not struck at all.
Florida bases new claim to being one of
the healthiest states in the Union ON the
fact that nobody has been hung there for
three wears