davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

Why He Was PUzZLED.-The funny man
of the House, this winter, is said to be Mr..
Nesmith, of Oregon. who tells on himself some
very amusing stories. lie served one term in
the Senate several years ago. A few days after
he was sworn in he was passing one of the
cloak rooms, and inside were Fressenden, Nor
ril and several others, whose names we can t
recall. They hailed him, invited him in, and
after conver>ng for few moments, they asked
him very abruptly:
"Mr Nesmith, you have come from very
wild county, where you say the greater portion
Of your life has been passed. Will you tell us
what first struck you on coming to the
Senate 2"
"Well, gentlemen, when took my seat in
this august body, said to be composed of the
brains of our country, | was overwhelm-
ed with the strangeness of this one idea, How
came to be here -
"Oh! All! Ughl So! And then, Mr..
Nesmith, what then-what was your next
cause for wOnder?'
THE next thing, gentlemen" answered
Nosmith, slowly gathering up his great length
=" that came to me, aud which puzzled me more
than the first thought, was how in the duce al
you fellows got here!'
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

''Ifq save ten cents day from my drinks"
ruminated old Rednose, lit will be $500
year, and in fifty years 1t will be $l,S25, and
then can marry Mary. Dear Mary
A Western paper says of the air, in its rela-
tons to man: "dt kisses and blesses him, but
will not obey him. Bobbs says that that de-
scriptoR suits his wife exactly.
A gentleman has two canaries which he calls
"Wheeler'' aud "Wilson" His TeaEOn for
these eppellGtiOns is that neither Of them are
'Singers."
"YOur face is your fortune, said forward
young man to handsome but poer girl
i'Your checE ought to make yours, was her
retOrt.
The fellow was pulled bad7hcaded by his
wife who said. Dry goods are wOrShlped
more i'm this world than the Lord.
Placards ON the st. Louis street cars declare
that "Ths car cant wait for ladies to kiss
good-by."
The current value of woman in Eastern
Africa is two, cows At NiblO's it's only two
calves
Why should spider be a good cOrrespon-
dentP Because he drops line by every post.
Why is beefstake like locomotive? It's
not of much account without its tender.
The dressing gown is the most lasting Of all
garmeuts-is is seldom worn out
Gone Goose-Mr. Gosling, who married q
st. Louis duck last week.
Gid big knave and littlehonest men win
worship him.
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

How TO SUCCEED.-If your seat is two hard
to sit upon, stand up. II rock rises up be-
fore you, roll it away or climb over it, Ii you
want moHey, earn it. Ii you wish for conf
dence, prove yourself worth of it. 1t takes
longer to skin an elephant than mouse, but
the skin is worth something. Do not be con-
tent with doing what another has dOne--sur-
pass it. Deserve success, and it will come.
The boy was not born man. The sun does
not rise like rocket, or go down like bullet
fired from u gun slowly but surely it makes
its round, aud never tires 1t is as easy to be
a leader as a wheel-horse. If the job be long,
the pay will be greater; if the task be hard,
the mere competent you must be to de 1t.
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10
WHOLE NO. g9S

A somewhat novel appeal is made by the
National Brewers Association in behalf of
which the temperance crusaders and other re-
formers have renewed, the Brewers propose to
meet moral suasion with logic and to over.
throw sentiment with figures The gist of the
whole appeal is that the greater part of the ma
tiOnal internalrevcnue is derived from the taxes
on stimulating beverages to cut off these taxes
would be ruin. Of course, the obvious ans
wer to this is that we cannot afford any national
housekeeping that is sustained by notoriousy
demorlizing traffic.
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

New MARRIAGE FoRM-The Council Of
the Reformed Episcopal Church bishop Cum
several alterations in the prayer book, among
the rest alterations in the form Of the mar
risge service. The handing of the ring to the
minister has been omitted, as also the passage,
With all my worldly goods thee endow. >
In the prayer the reference to the married life
of Isaac and Robecca has also been stricken
out on account Of inappropriateness. The pas
sage in the old form, where the minister
pronounces the married couple IMAM and
wife," has been changed to husband and
wife. ;" The Rev. Mr.. Tucker moved that the
words "plight thee my trOth" should be
changed, as the phrase was not generally un
derstOOd, but the motion was lost after slight
debate. The marriage service was then adopt
ed as amended.
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10
A PICTURE.

Within my rooms serene seclusOn,
Dwells eVermOrs a pictured face.
Dream-haunted like a rapt Carthusian,
With solemn eyes OF tenderest grace,
Which seem to compass land and sea.
Yet never look me.
Oh, eyes which gaze beyond and over,
Yet never meet and answer mine
What may your steadfsst guest discover
On the horizons haEy liner
What charm in yOnder distance lies,
Oh, sad and wistful eyes
Hopeful despite their depth Of grieVing,
Still patiently they watch afSr,
As though awaiting or perceiving
The dawn of some unrisen star
The star which often and again
My own have sought IN vain.
Sometimes methlnks its growing splendOr
Brightens and glOws on brow and cheek
The eyes grow luminous and tender.
The lips half tremble as to speak,
And all the face transhgured seems
by sweat prOthetic dreams.
An, II when years have told their story,
Those dreams shall come diviney true,
That dim dawn bloom to sudden glory
This face will shine as angels do
These eyes, more dear than angels be,
will look-at last-On me!
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

The wines and liquors of tbe late Senator
Charles Sumner were sold last week in Wash
ington. There were about 425 bottles and q
variety of different wines. In exceptional
cases only they brought fancy prices. Seven
bottles of old Romance Burgundy, highly
priced by Mr.. Sumner, brought seven dollars
bottle. One bottle Of Johannisberger cabi.
net, from the cellars of Prince Metternich,
1862, was sold at twelve dollars. The auc-
Umssr $ Sad he % sanTs O% ,Cssa S
miration, and that whenever he went into his
wine cellar, which was perhaps once a year,
he had this identical bottle, in order that
he might be sure it was in his possession, and
always remarked he intended having it opened
on some occasion when he had particular
friends to dine with him
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

William" said one Quaker to another !;
"thee knows never call anybody names, but,
William, if the Governor of the State should
come to me and say, Joshua, want thee to
6nd me the biggest liar in the State of New
York / would come to thee and say, will
liam, the Governor wants to see thee particu-
larly,'"
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

" 1t is a waste of vaIor for us to de battle"
said lame ostrich to negro who had sud
denly come upon her in the desert; let as
cast lots to see who shall be considered the
victor, and then go about our business They
cast lots the negro cast lots Of stores, and the
went about his business, which consisted ia
skinning the bird
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

A Cincinnati reporter says that there is
something grand in the sight of pair of run
away horses but We believe that coed deal
depends on whether man is on fence or
trying to climb over the end board of the
wagon
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

A stingy man who pretended to be very
fond Of his horse, but kept him nearly starved,
said to friend You don't know how much
we all think of that horse [ shall have him
stuffed, SO as to preserve him, when he dies. y
friend, $50 as to preserve him living"
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10
GUILTY Or NOT GUILTY.

She stood at the bar of justice,
A creature wan and wild.
In form too small for q woman,
In features too old for achild;
For a look so worn and pathetic
Was stamped on her pale, young tscei
1t seemed long years Of suffering
,..u.. Must have lett that silent trace
'.Your name," said the jsdge, as he eyed her
With kindly look, yet keen,
~Is"-"Nary NcGuire, II yOu please, sir,
NAHd your sgeS" II am turned fifteen"
well. Mary" Sad then from paper
He slowly and gravely read
you're charged here. I'm sorry to say IL,
With stealing three loaVes Of bread.
"You look not like an offender.
And hope that you can show
The charge 90 be false. Now, tell me
Are you guiltY of this. or nc =
A passionate eurst Of weeping
was at arst the sole reply,
But she drled her eyes In q moment
And looked in the Judges eye.
Ell will tell yos how 1t is, siri
My father sad mother are dead,
And my little brothers and sisters
Were huRgry sad asked nae for bread.
At 6rst I earned Il for them
BY working hard all day,
But somehow times were hard. sir
And the work all fell away.
III could get no more employment
The weather vas bitter cold.
The young ones cried and shivered-
XLittle SonRy's bat four years old
So what was to do, sirf
lam guilty, but do Rot eoRaeHH,
tOOk-0h. was it steAlinEf-
The bread to give 10 them"
Every man in tAe court-rOew--
Gray beard and hoagh tiess yOath--
Enew. as he looked apon her.
That the prisoner spoke the tTxts,
Out from their pockets came kerchiefs,
Out from tkeir eyes sprung tears
And out from ola fs&ee waltets
Treasures boarded for years.
The Judge. his face was study
The strangest yea ever saw,
As he cleared his throat and mrrnured
Something about the law;
For one 80 learned in sEch matters
SO wise In dealing with men,
de seemed, on a simple question,
Sorely puEEled sust tAeR.
Rut no eae blamed him or wondered.
When At last these words were heard:
"Fhe sentence oF this youRg prisOAsr
IL, for the preseeti aeferreS =
And no one blamed him or wondered
When he went to her sRd smiled.
Aud tanderly led from the courtroom
Mary, the guilty" child.
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

1.-THE evidence shows that he sOt up with
her night after night and they squoze hands
aud talked soft, and think she ought to have
about twenty-three dollars damages" was the
charge of Kansas Judge to jury in broack-
Of promise case.
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

An inebriate stranger preCipitated himself
down depot stairs, and on striking the land
ing reproachtully apostrophiZed himself with:
|" Ii you d been wanting to come down stairs:
why didn't you say so, you wOoden-headed old
fool an I'd como with you an showed you
the wayl"
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

At the last grand ball in Wyoming Territory,
Miss - was attired in a buff grosgrained
buckskin dress, with army blanket oyorskirt,
bottom looped up with buckskin strings cut
bias. Hair dressed la Red Cloud, in which
was twined few sprigs of sage brush, the
whole secured behind in bunch with hand
some pin made with pino splinter and
buffalo's ear
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

A Kentucky farmer refused to look at
sample sewing machine not long ago, as he al
ways sewed wheat by hand" He is related
to the man who did not want threshing ma
chine on his farm, q for, said he, give me
harness tug or a barrel stave, and can make
my family toe the mark according to the law
and Scripter'
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

A man who fell into vat of boiling lard
and got out alive, says that it was not an Ea
pleasant sensation after the first moment, but
he thought what a mighty queer shaped
doughnut he would make.
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

One of our neighbors had Just put on on his
pants, the other morning, when he Immediately
took them off again, under the impression that
they we're haunted. The kitten was pulled
out by the tail and drowned.
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

Josh Billings says: "TEe live man is like
little pig; he il weaned young and begins to
root early. He is the pepersass Ov creation,
the allspice ov the world. One live man in a
village is like case of the itch at a distrikt
schOol-Ee sets everybody scratching at
once -
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

A popular German song just now rHns as
follows: ''Oh, woman, iu our hours Of ease,
you know we Il do whate er you please. Wen
promise to renounce the siu Of Bourbon,
brandy, rum, and gin; and go SO far as to re-
frain Except when tempted) from champagne
but have some mercy, do, my dear, and leave,
oh leave us larger beer!'
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

"You haven't pat on clean shirt to day
said an American captaiR to his corporal;
you never saw aRe without clean shirt On
parade when 1 was corporal.
True, captain but then your mother was
a washerwoman!'
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

And editor, who speaks with the air Of maR
who has discovered new fact by experience,
says that the new way to prevent bleeding as
the nose is to keep yeGr nose Owt OF ether pee
Dle's business
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

The Detroit Free &ress says: 1.-THE Albany
journal never has less than eight columns on q
hanging aEsir, and sometimes reaches twelve,
and a marked copy is always sent to the
widovv "
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

The old gentleman who spent fortune in
eudeayorine TO hatch colts from horse chest
nuts, is now cutivating tho eggplant with
view to raising chickens FROM It.
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

The young lady out West who received
1000 damages for kiss, is said to be spoil.
ing to be damaged again.
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

OLD AND New IDEAS OF WORTH.-A Lon
don correspondent of the New York Times
says it is rather droll that the Emperors OF
Germany and of Russia should have allied
themselves to family (tha: of Queen Victo
ria) which has allied itself to another family
THAT of the Duke of ArgylD in which there
are two merchants Merchants the cor
respondent adds, " are not thought much Of
by the nobility of Germany, and in Russia no
man of family, no man occupying a high
grade in the State service, would admit mer-
chant into his house except in the way of bust
ness. What the correspondent speaks of as
rather drolf' is evidence at any rate that the
world moves. The first Napoleon once con-
temptuOusly styled the British nation OF
shopkecpers. 1t may have added to the bit
terness of his Overthrown that such a nation
beat him in the end in his own trade of war,
and exported him to the island of St. Helena.
There are foolish prejudices existing among
some even in our own country against certain
vocatiOns, but they are rapidly passing away
under the influence of common sense and civil
lizstion. The late address of Carl Schurz in
Boston, in honor of Charles Sumner elo-
quently described this as a land which, having
raised itself from Obscurity against the most
adverse circumstances, regarded as its best
representative men those of its people whose
individual career had, like that of the nation
been brave and successful struggle from the
lowest round of the ladder of fortune t
the top.
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

A LEFT HANDED COMPLIMENT T-The La
zieSt Member Of the B0dy-A Western ex-
change has the following:
The very sensible query is asked by the
Scientific american: "Why should not a
child be taught'tO write and draw with both
hands = The very natural echo is, "Why?"
The human body can be educated to do almost
anything. Men have written with their toes
and done all sorts of wonderful things with
their teeth and yet since the creation of man
that intelligent animal seems to have regarded
the left hand as a sort of tender to the right
In fact, the left had is thelaziest member of
the human body. Whenthe right is scribbling
away for bare life, the lett looks on placdly !;
keeps down the paper with its fingers and
shows its rings. la truth, tho only things in
which 1t seems TO excel, except when occasion
ally helping its big brother in an indifferent
sort of way, consist in hitting from the should
er in prise fight, and in rising fork to ad,
vantage. The left hand is always too pretty to
do any work. Ladies show off its lines OF
beauty while delicately resting their lovely
chins upon its fingers. Let poor fellow have
his right hand shot away, and then just see
what the left can do In wonderful short
space of time it can button a coat, write let
ter, and do things, which, in its palmy days
it never dreampt of. BY all means educate
the left hand, and if it will not work, make it
There is nothing in the world to hinder a mar
writing two letters at once, like Ristori il
Queen Elizabeth, and keeping up an ami
mated conversation with his unruly member a
the same time. The left hand was given maj
to do its share in the business of life, Just a
much as its twin brother in boots At presen
it is kind of lOafer, doing the gentle pres
sure business in love affairs, and having all tn
tun. We are down on lett hands, and strongl
recommend that they be put to school.
Smyrna times., 1874-06-10

'Ifq save ten cents a day from my drinks,
ruminated old Rednose. ''it will be $36.50
year, and in Fifty years It will be 81, ,S25, and
then ] can marry Mary. Dear Mary!
The Portland daily press., 1874-07-30

The EXCURSION OF THE /. A. r. A-The
Irish American Relief Association took its an
nual excursion to Lake Sebago yesterday. The
picnics of this association have always been
characterized for the variety and character of
their amusements, the large crowd that attend
them and the skill and efficiency of the COM
mittees who superintend the arrangements.
About 1000 persons attended their excursion
yesterday, gathered together, no doubt, by the
prospect of pleasant time. Unhappily
heavy shower of rain fell for the most
the day, so that the greater part of art OF
was spent by majority of the the day
of excursionists in dancing .drge number
base bail could not be pl" 4, Ihe game OF
inclemencv Of the -yed on account of the
the rain ceased leather. AT O. clock D. m
1856 and S. and the amateur boat race for
the S. ID took place. This race was open to
. .Ate. Three entered, viz: A. T. Stew
1T, r. O'Connell and J. Frazier. The men
drew positions in the above order. The start
was rather poor and from the first Stewart
took the lead, closely followed by Fraz 'er, with
OConnell a little in the rear. This position
was maintained throughout the race, and
Stewart was declared the winner. Their time
was $3.50, Is. So, and 2610.
The second race, for S75, took place at p.
m. Much interest was manifested at the result
of this race, and large amount of money
changed hands. The entries were made by
Stevens of Bath, Henry and Davis of Portland.
Stevens held the first position, then Henry aud
| Davis This time there was a splendid start
and each man seemed to pull his best. Davis,
however, soon shot ahead, followed by Henry
and Stevens, who pulled nearly side by
side until they reached the stake boat which,
however, was turned first by Henry. Davis
easily won the race. Henry came in next and
Stevens last Their respective times were 22.1,
%. 80 and 233.
The committee, as usual, did all in their
power to please, and maintain order, which they
| did to the satisfaction of all that attended
A tub race excited much much merriment,
The Portland daily press., 1874-07-30
Personal.

Senator Morrill, will proceed in a day or two
to Saratoga, where he will meet the committee
appointed at the recent session of Congress to
devise new government for the District of
Columbia. Senator Morrill,, who is chairman
of the committee, has called this meeting for
organization and preliminary work as basis
Of operations for Congressional action.
Rev. C. B. Pitblado of this city preached in
.he Wesleyan church, st. Andrews, on Sunday
last. There was "a large congregation in at
tendance. "The reverend gentleman" says
the Telegraph, "made one of his most brilliant
Efforts
Hon. Thomas S. Lang is rapidly recovering
from his late indisposition, and Yves out Tues
day. His sickness will cause no delay in max
ing his proposed journey to Oregon.
At the last meeting Of the Dominion Cabinet
the establishment Of Bureau of Railways was
discussed, G. j. Bridges to be Minister 1t is
understood that, in the meantime, Bridges will
be appointed Superintendent of all Govern
ment Railways in the Dominion.
Mr.. Preston Powers is on a brief visit to
Woodstock, Vt, the early home of his father,
who was born there July 20, 1906.
John Knox has been appointed clerk to the
Captain of the KIttery navy yard. He was
recently discharged from the Equipment de.
partment.
Geo. w. Towle has been removed from the
position Of rol-caler in yards and docks de-
partment at Kittery, and VIM. w. Palfrey has
been assigned to the dnty, liz addition to being
draughtsman.
Supt. Spicer of the Grand Trunk is stopping
| at Cape Cottage.
The Portland daily press., 1874-07-30

SAFETY SHOE FOR CARs.-Messrs Emery &
Doyen of this city, exhibited their patent
safety shoe for railway cars, yesterday after
noon, at the Rochester depot. The invention
consists primarily in the application to the I'M
der surface of the truck of two parallel shoes
or runners, with the ends turned up at an an
gle; through the bottom Of the shoes the
wheels project to bear upon the rails and each
shoe is made of greater width than the thick
ness of the wheel, and is formed with fange
upon each edge, with a space between tho
wheel and fauge little more than the width
of the rail. When the wheels from any cause
slip off, the shoes drop down on the rails and
support the cars, and are prevented from leav-
ing the rails by the fiange, while owing to their
broad bearing surface on the rails, sleepers or
ground, the friction instantly acts as a safe and
powerful brake to retard and stop the motion
of the cars without the application of the train
brakes Yet there is no dead stop while the
| momentum or power is greater than the fric-
| ton.
| The first test WIS to load the car to viii l
| the patent is attached with railroad iron and
| let it run at asgood rate of speed over an oper
| switch. The car came to the switch under good
| Roadway, and when the wheels left the track
| the shoe struck the next rail and the Car stop
| ped. Two similar tests were made. The
| fourth ard last test was to run the car at fas
| rate of speed over the track with a rail out
The test was satisfactory, the car passing OF
without any injury. No one expected that thu
patent could possibly have such control over ;
| car under such circumstances, Col, Wilde
and john Anderson, ESD, OF the railroad
commissioners, were present. also large mum
Der of railroad men in the city, and the uni
versal opinion was that the patent di'
all that its owners claimed it would do, ant
that it should be placed upon the cars of ever.
| railroad.
The Portland daily press., 1874-07-30
Esrfer EOetiugs.

Thompson s. Fowler opened their slaughter
house yesterday.
The Portland, Rutland, Oswego Dc Chicago
Railroad Company held their annual meeting
Yesterday, but refused to have the names OF
their officers published.
Deputy Williams arrested young man yes
terday for stealing $50 from well known
firm. The matter was settled up.
About a wear ago the Custom House author
tiles seized "a gold chains. They were sold
Yesterday by +. o. Bailey 81 Co. AS there
were but few present they went very cheap.
Another excursion from Lewiston over the
Grand Trunk to-day if pleasant.
The knights of Pythias of Saco, have silk
banner which they have just purchased to be
borne in the procession at the celebration.
A lot of cigars passed. through this city in
bond Yesterday that cost $50 thousand with
out the duty paid.
The Pullman train from the West was five
hours late yesterday at Island Pond. An extra
was made up there and arrived here GA time.
Mr.. Peter O'Connor, referee in the O'E on
nell-Stewart scull race which was announced tC
come off in the harbor several evenings since, and
has been postponed several times, takes exeep
ton to the remark we made concerning it yes
terday morning. and assure US That the ract
was postponed simply because the water wa
rough, the articles Of agreement stii ulatine
that the race shall be rowed over smooth water
The race is now postponed till July 31st.
The employees of the establishment of j. T.
Lewis & Co., go to the Islands on an excursion
to-day.