davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-11-27
WIT AND HUMOR.


Says the Columbia Miss Under. few
Sundays ago, negro woman at bap,iziny
near the ferry exhibited her Radical proclivi,ies
during the excitement always attending such oe-
casions by shouting at intervals, Sweet Jesus,
dear Yankee Jesus how love yout"
A letter writer in the South says you cam
not go on cotton plantation in Alabama with
out hearing the commands "Senator. start
righ, smart TO your cotton picking fudge.
you 20 ard bring my horse around" or "Co.
lionel, have shoe put on that mule right al ong ="
There is wide difference between battle
SCARED and batte-scared, although the latter
generally claim all the honors after a fight.
A bashful young man MORALLY offended the
bride of his NEST intimate friend by stammering
when taken abaek by request for toas; at the
wedding supper ''Tom, my ffr-friend, may
you have wedding year as long as
you liver
An old lady devou,ly reading her Bible and
thinking Of her work at the same time "And
the Lord said unto Mos?s-Jane, you had better
put the kettle on''
Two clerRymen were busy discussing knot
ty problem in theology. al believe" said oue.
Tin the doctrine of'-up went his feet, and as he
bored hole in the ice, he finished the sentence
"damnation ~ 1t did not sound pretty. but
then he didn't intend to say it in that way
"A colored preacher down South took for his
text the words; Though after my skin. worms
destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall see
Cod" which he divided into three parts. as fol-
lows First, skin-worms-s second what tbev
done-third what the man seen after be was
eat up
You may retire, !" said Governor Moses to a
eoiored waiter who was standing behind his
chair in South Carolina restaurant. ."Scuse
me, sah," said Sam, "but Ise 'sponsible for
de spoons"
"A Lancaster county farmer writes to his To-
cal paper that as he was going past his corn crib
the other morning he observed a rat carving n
iarge-sized ear OF in his mouth and drag
gine another behind him around which his tail
was wrapped. And il wasn't a good day for
hauling corn, either
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-11-27
HAnrDzs SoxEY CoLlror

HANPDEE SDyEY loLLEGg
THE next session or this Seminary or Lear
4 ing will commence on Thursday, SePsn'
Der 9Th, 1874
Ilampden Sidney Is situated ia Prince EdFit
County, Va, within n few hundred yaii
Union Theological Seminary, and seven nia
from FarmviIle the nearest depot Of the Ata-it
Mississippi aud Ohio Railroad The locally
the College 10 most healthy, and the commsaH
around distinguished for intelligence and pey
There is no Grammar or Preparatory ~
connected with the College. IL retains ihe la
ricuium and The great aim Of its teachers
secure thorougbness in the training aud insh@
ton Of their pupils and thus % prepare ihen 2
professional studies or the active duties Of lfe
The ordinary expenses Of u student excasn
Of the cost Of clothing, travelling and books -
from 1928 90 1915 a year.
For Catalogue and further inf0rmahon y
ply %
REV. J. NJ. p. ATKINSON,
President Hampden Sidney Coilegt.
Prince ER,card Comfy ~
July IS, 1874.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-11-27
Poetical Marriages.

Ohio sets the fashion of 'poetical marriages
a romantic couple-the bride from Rawsonville
and the groom from Henrielta-were recently
united by the following unique ceremony 20
MINISTER
This woman wilt thou have
And cherish Der for life
Wilt love and comfort her,
And seek no other wife
This woman will take
That stands beside me now;
III find her board and clothes,
And have no other Grow"
MINISTER.
And for your husband will
You take this nice young man,
Obey his slightest wish,
And love him all you can?
III love him all can,
Obey him all choose
And when ask for funds,
lie never must refuse.
MINISTER.
Then You are man and wife,
And happy may you be;
And many be your years
AS dollars in my fee.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-11-27
DR.. ]. Walkers California viz.

HI. %. ~ 1ihSr ) IaiilCrNIa lie
egar Bitters are purely Vegetable
preparation, made chiefly from the no
tive herbs found on the lower ranges Of
tie Sierra Nevada mountains Of Calilor-
MIA, the medicinal properties OF which
are extracted thercfrom without the use
Of Alcohol. The question ia almoss
daily asked. "What is The cause OF tho
unparalleled success OF VINEGAR BIr-
TERsP Our answer ~, that they remove
the cause Of disease, and the patient re-
covers his health. They are the great
blood purifier and life giving principle,
perfect Renovator and lnvigorator
OF the system. Never before in the
history of the world has a medicine been
compounded possessing the remarkable
qualities OF VINEGAR DiTrgEs IN healing the
sick Of every disease man Is heir TO. They
are gentle Purgatiyo we'll az O TCran,
relieving Congestion or Inaammstio ef
the Liver and Yisceral Organs in y Qua
Disease3
The properties Of DIR. wALKBR's
VINEGAR BiT~rRRs are Aperient. Diaphore.io,
Csrninative, Nutritious, Laxative, Diuretic,
sedativc, Counter Irritant SudoriGc, AlisrG-
tive. and Anti Bilious
Il. II. GIcDONhLD {. CO.
DruEGiFts and Gen ACTS, San Francisco California
Aad cor OF Washington and Charlton Sts " Y
Loio CO Gil Druggists nd DC alsrs.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-11-27

On Tuesday Of last week the farm, l7l4 a
eres, Of 'he late Gen. Kenton Harper, on Middle
river, miles from Stanton, was sold at $1,000
per acre Miss Nancy Harper and Mrs. Mary
Leyinan, daughters Of the former owner, we're
The purrhasers.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-11-27
DIR. RAILWAYS
Observation-Disclosures

perfectly tasteess. elegantly coated win sweet Rar
purge. regulate, purify cleanse and strengthen. Rat
Ways Pills FOR TIC cure % 81 disorder Of lie stomach
Liver. Bowels, KifrrYf. Bladder. Nervous diseases
headache Constipation. C0sivrucr5, Trsigcsfion Dye
pcpsa. Biousnsss, Bilious Fever fufamrna Ton 81 no
Rowfl Piles and all Dernugefnt OF the Internal
Eiscera Warranted % effect positive cure Purely
Vegetable, containing no mercury minerals or feeter
fe9g doses n RADwAY's PILE VII free the -
kn nom all The shove named forderl Price - cents
BOX SOLO BT UNUUHlST3
READ FALSE AND TRUE" Send
afamp 10 RAILWAY a Co No "a warren ia NeH
Tort Information worth thousands will 10 sent y0G.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-11-27
f u II NITU II r


HAVING recently accepted the Agency Of
Il 4 one OF the largest Furniture Establishments
~ The United States, would call the attention OF
his friends TO bis elaborate Photographic repre-
sentauoR Of all the desirable styles ia the mar
ket, and will guarantee satisfaction in styles,
quality and prices ia every article desire An
examination will be convincing
ROnney SEPT I9 1873
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-11-27
References.

References.
hao'cing that the management Of his
association toW be conducted as represent
ed, IRE chee,IuHy recommend the same to
the public:
James Leonard, John Holford, John B. McDou
gall w. u. VIM, II. Tone, j. N. Cook, AL.
dermen, City Of Deuison, Texas
Judge VIM. D. Kirk.
J. Neyins, City Treasurer.
w b. Boss, Lone Star Mills.
Weekly Times, Denison
L. h. Fuller, Alamo Hotel.
N. Goldsoll Co., Merchants
VIM. Hughes, Real Estate Broker
First National Bank, Denison.
Col. Frank Schrader, Ex-Mayor
Daily Weekly News, Denison
Samuel a. Cook, Real Estate Broker
Col. i. H. Warren, Real Estate Broker.
Chas. E Maurice, U. s Commissioner.
Col. Samuel Brooks, Galveston, Texas.
Jos Perry Attorney NJ, X. & 7. r. r.
J. W. Jennings Ex-Postmaster U. S. Senate.
Col l.; W Shepherd, Alamo Hotel, Denison.
Gen. G. A Beul, U. s. Army, FIT Griffith, Texas
Merchants L Planters Bank Denison
s G.. Eddy, Division Sup't. NJ, X. T. R. R
Col. e. J. Strang, Q. NJ. U. S. A, Denison, Texas.
Goode, Sunnett Il Co.. Cotton Brokers, Denison
(. d. Chsdick, Manager Cotton Compr Co.
Denison.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-11-27

There is wide difference between battle
SCARED and bat'le-scared, although the latter
generally claim all the honors after fight.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-11-27
A Representatives and CAanpios Of Ap,.r
tean Ar, Taste

Prospectus for 1875 sth Yesr
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-11-27

A statement Of the Distribution ,ciH be
published and .Jorrarded to ticket holders.
and all gJis cW be promptly paid after
the distribution.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-11-27

Shortly after the battle Of Princeton witty
Scotch farmer amused himself by writing hu-
morous ballad upon it, which so stuug one Of the
officers who had behaved very badly on that &C.
casion that he sent the poet a challenge to meet
him at H for mortal combat The second found
the farmer busy with his ptchfork, to whom he
delivered the challenge Of the redoubtable hero
The sood-humored farmer turning toward him
with his agricultural implement in his hand,
coolly said, Gang ava back to Mais ter Smith.
and tell him hae nae time to come to Ito
gle him satisfaction-but that if he likes to come
here, I'll just do as he did-Ill run ava -
The proyerbial quickness Of Irish wit is IL
Illustrated by an anecdote related by Captain
A.. While on the Peninsula, during the war.
he came across private belonging to one Of the
most predatory companies Of the Irish Brigade
with the lifeless bodies Of goose and hen tied
together by the heels, dangling from his musket
Where did you steal those, you rascal ?'' be
demanded. Faith, was mar ching along wild
Color Sergeant Mcguire and the goose bad cess
90 it-came out and hisscd the American flag"
But The hen sir, how about the hen 2" OTIS
The bin. is IL? The hin bless ye was 10 bad
company, end laying eggs for the rebels"
There she goes ' said lady as the train
left the depot just before she reached &c. "You
have mistaken the gender, said a gentleman
''this is the mail train"
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-11-27
PREMIUM FOR 1875.

Every subscriber for 1878 will receive q t,sg.
tiui portrait in oil coofs, Of the same uoh,, DO,
whose picture in former Issue attracted so nueh
attention
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-11-27

Good and Responsible Persons TAINTED
to 'o0rhf for the interests Of this association.
E=tT Liberal Commissions -AUoued.
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-11-27

An old lady devou,y reading her Bible and
thinking of her work at the same time "And
the Lord said unto Mos?s-Jane, you had better
put the kettle on''
South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-11-27

49,T67 Grand Cash Gifts amount
'"9 TO --..----.. 100000
% Prizes IN Real Estate,a.
mounting to. $4,000
49,1S9 GJis, amounting to. $3.50, 900
The Idaho world. [volume] (Idaho City, Idaho Territory) 1864-1918, 1874-12-26

The Hat OF THE PgmoD.-The Chica.
go nter-Ocoan has a treatise on wo.
mems hats, in which it says: "You
meet remarkably modest and timid.
appearing lady to-day, and you notice
that her hat has meek and shining
indcntation in the crown. II looks as
IF it wanted to shun the wicked world
and hang itself up in a nunnery. To-
morrow You meet the same lady, and
what change! She appears as dar.
ing as Joan Of Arc, and az indepen.
dent as the president Of a woman's
congress: And her whole appearance
is thus altered by pinning up the front
of that hat Next day she appears
like a brlgand. The brim is fa,tened
out and her eyes CLEAN furiously from
underneath as if watching an opportu-
NIFTY to order you to stand and deliver.
You see her again, and the rim is
turned up behind, while it is very fat
in front, giving her an appearance of a
female Scion Single trying to find a
customer for that bari of apple sass. ,
Again, and it is pitched on the extreme
back of the head, reminding you Of
Toodles in his cups, when he is assur-
ing the sailor man that when his faith:
er heard of the sailor mans death .he
went broken-hearted to his grave and
d'ed there With all these advantages
1T is no wonder that the reigninr hat
IS popular. It is comfortable to tho
nead-so they say-and it is an orna.
ment or q disguise, as required It is
demnre, Jaunty, meek, saucy, bold, civ.
obstinate, conciliating, tender--whatey.
CT 20 please-everything by turns and
nothing long. It is the hat of the ne
r,od, cunning and deceitfql, and above
all things desperately wicked
The Idaho world. [volume] (Idaho City, Idaho Territory) 1864-1918, 1874-12-26

|. Tss Law on No.
bars who do not igiye ~.
g ~ are Considered !.
their subscriptions.
2. II any subscriber. =,
anoe OF their newspsas.. !
ontinue to send then ~
paid. a Z
3. II subscribers ue.,..
their newspapers from 4
they are directed, the i.
sible until they have ss.s.s
dsred them discoutiuusS
4. II subscribers rem,.
without informing the puss nv v
papers are sent 70 the form.
arc held responsible.
S. The courts have dees1.,.
take newspapers from "a \. !,
and leaving them uncallsI 4
evidence Of intentional frs.i i,
8. The postmaster who -,
legal nstice Of tho neglect !;
from the ONCE the newsos,. :
him. il liable 70 the publisbe,s ' 3
ton price. "
A PAPER containing mary n. ,
per Of needles. vi
The Idaho world. [volume] (Idaho City, Idaho Territory) 1864-1918, 1874-12-26

UrrrR AxizoS-Admiral Tucker. Row
in New York preparing the maps OF
his extended explorations If the Upper
Amazon, arrived within a compara,ive-
~ short distance, on those unknown
rivers, Of the Peruvian fort Of Chana.
hamayo
The problem to be solved, as pro-
posed by President Pardos Govern.
ment, was to determine the easiest
means of communication between the
projected terminus Of the great Tran.
sandine Railway, more popularity
known as the "Orova," and the head.
waters Of the Peruvian aflluents Of the
Amazon. This was in part calculated
by Admiral Tucker, but for a more per.
feet knowledge Of the savage regions
lying between the point reached by the
Admlrals party and the fort, new ex.
petition has been organized by the
Government to carefully explore the
rivers Parena, Chanchamayo and Tam.
DO. The expedition is composed of an
engineer Of the Republic, Mr.. Wortbe.
man. Major Rivers ten riflemen and a
sufficient number Of boatmen, chain.
men, etc.
The party will take to the water. y
literally speaking, in the primitive ca
noes employed in that far section of
the Republic. at the fort Of Chanchama.
70, or San Ramon, as it is sometimes
called: viii decend the river to the
confluence Of the Tambo with the IRA
banda, from whence the Ucayali runs
,na broad and navigable stream E,
!iquitos, where II joins the South Amer
lean Father of Waters, the great
Amazon. e
The main object Of the exploration
e to discover whether It NAV be noss;
DIG 70 bring small steamers from Ion;.
q Ios to the junction formed by the river
farena with the river Tambo. fifteen
: east from the Fort San Ramon
'nus connecting, although in an ind;.|
Get manner. BY water, the OUTLYING
districts Of the Republic with her 1fons.
Ter on Brazil. = = - '' -
|
The Idaho world. [volume] (Idaho City, Idaho Territory) 1864-1918, 1874-12-26

IT was in a Massachusetts, village
that an old scissorsgrinder, calling On
gHMe! nade;the psusl quesy- ,;anv
ecissors 70 grindy" Receiving ! neg.
ative sSsvssf, II nd tie minister's turn.
which heteok BY asking, "Are you a
Haa Ct G sodsl5.r 4 don't understand You
struck home. Gathering up his kit
- 1mmhng1focA the door, be q.
claimed, terror-stricken: 20 Lor! o
4 LoTrl yon ant ant 9 going to kill me, are
H0I11 HA'AAi V1A E-'is 3ad .1lQ2 I1IQ~
The Idaho world. [volume] (Idaho City, Idaho Territory) 1864-1918, 1874-12-26

The man who trled " ,0P
o ,ds hrohe down with laughter. !,
Wa "a nrettv minister you arcv Jeereo
another, who, searching the parsons a,e
person, drew pack Of CARDS lIoh ho tue
booklet and an empty whlskey DOUG
M A. Pol;ck was dumbfonnded. :
There is some terrible mistake
berew was all he could utter. a,
What say you, gentlemse,,n!-ls .ne
pris'ner guilty or not guilty. sang o''
| the leader of the crowd.
Guilty" they all said
With equal unanimity it was voted
to hang him on the spot! u-,,
"My friends, before taking q fellow
creatures life" pleaded the parson, you
should have clear and certain proof" -.
iProof!-what proof would you have!"
replied the leader. "Wasent the moss
fmpnd on YOU or you on the boss
which is the same thing in Jaw? Come,
string i'm up boysW
Aud the poor parson would surely
have ended his worldly career then
and there but for the timely arrival OF
another party. :,
In their midst was man in clerical
parb-none other than Mr.. Poshick's
companion of the proceeding night
securely bound on horse.
The new company was headed by q
Deputy Sheriff we'll acquainted with
Mr.. Pohick. III
"Glad to see you, Mr.. Pohick, said
the officer; "but, bless me, | hardly
knew you in that rig!'
The parsons eyes. for the first time,
fell on his garments. They were Ger.
tainly not his own. Nothing could be
more unclerical than their cut and ma
terial The cards and whiskey bottle
were now accounted for; and when
Old Job, on whose back the other pris-
oner was tied, greeted his master with
bis old familiar neigh, the whole truth
flashed on the parson'smind. The man
with whom he had shared his room the
night before was horse thief, who ris-
ing first in the morning, had not only
taken the parsons clothes for dis
yuise, leaving his own, but had taken
Old Job, who was far the better horse,
instead Of the one be had recently sto-
parson in his absentminded-
ness, never noticing the difference.
The thief was one we'll known 10
he officers, who had been for some time
IN his track; and when the Sherifirs
ieputy, who knew Old job as we'll as
lis master. saw the former and the
clothes of the latter in the possession
If a noted outlaw, he feared that mur-
Ter As well as theft had been committed
and murder would have been commit
al but for his arrival in the nick of
ime.
Let it teach you to keep your eyes
'pcn next time" was all the consola.
ion the parson got from Mrs. Pohick
IN reaching home and telling her how
lear he had come TO being hanged
\,,,g York T,}oer
The Idaho world. [volume] (Idaho City, Idaho Territory) 1864-1918, 1874-12-26

As my wife at the window one bean,
Iliul day, stood watching q man with !
monkey; a cart came along with J
oroth OF . boy, who was driving = atom,
lit little donkey: To my wife then | spoke poke
oy way Of . joke. There's I relation II
yours in that carriage To. which che
replied, when the donkey she spicd. s I,Ih
yes! 2 relation BY marriage.
The Idaho world. [volume] (Idaho City, Idaho Territory) 1864-1918, 1874-12-26
IsrrlArroN CgRExoNY-An

n...or LIMITATION CEREAoNY-An
sIanre Gives the following account
o the rrangers' initiatory ceremony:
" nm r beine brought into the ante-room
g U tha I Iodre. | was told that had been
o. Da' sne . for and accepted. Ny inform
ant .n' who was securely masked, ~
. afterwards learned was . large
hnrdock Leaf. perforated with holes ior
the aves told me that If ! valued my
life t would be necessary for me 70
STRIP. As did consider that OF con
siderable worth. to me, and as ne llal'c-
;sed his wishes by carelessly playing
,.iI a. a seyen-shooter, withdrew my
garments with eagerness. NY maskeo
friend then furnished me with rega'ia
Of the first degree-called 1.-THE Festive
Plowboyn-which consisted merely OF
one large cabbagd Leaf, attached % .
waistband of potatoe vines. In TINS
airy-costume ! was conducted TO the
door where my companion gave three
d;stinct raps. ] was securely blinded
bv binding a slice of rutabaga over
each eye. Asepulchral ceifo'n VIII
in asked:
Who comes!
Nv guide answered:
A useful agricultu.alist, who desires
to become Granger. /
Sepulchral voice-Have You looked
him carefully oyer7
Guide have, noble gatekeepr.
S. Mo you find agricultural
marks about his person!
Guide do.
S. What are they!
Guide-The candidate has carroty
hair, reddish whiskers aud turnip nose.
S. Wis well. Why do you desire
to become Granger!
Guide answering for candidate u;
That may be thereby the better ena-
bled to harrow up the feelings Of the
rascally politicians.
S. V.-You will bring in the candi-
date. Ny worthy stripping, as you
cannot see, will cause You TO feel that
you are received at the door on three
points Of a pi,chiork. piercing the re-
zion of the stomach, which is 10 teach
you three great virtues-faiih hope
and charity Faith in yourself, hope
Tor cheaper farm machinery. and char
,y for the ligh,ningrod pejdler. You
will now he harnessed, and in repre-
sensation of the horse, Pegasus, will :
,e tested as to endurance and wind
The candidate is here attached 10 a
small imitation pillow, by means Of
lempen harness.
A dried pumpkin vine is put in his
mouth for a bit and bridal-hc Is made
% get down on all fours the guide
cizcs the bridal, and urged on ty a
Granger, armed with Canada thistle.
which he vigorously applies at the ter
minus Of the spine, the candidate is gal
oped three times around the room.
While making the circuit the members
Use and sing.
The Idaho world. [volume] (Idaho City, Idaho Territory) 1864-1918, 1874-12-26

2EW9@ 6H3ftAed sH polli4sge agfew
consist of one woman, three Indians. a
4ptaoo cal, aeH and . ,a,,P Professor of
00t44ytN saaaiqaei4 asis ba'la tas Gs,iatl
The Idaho world. [volume] (Idaho City, Idaho Territory) 1864-1918, 1874-12-26

At. Ae fekin. Ill.,. you can Pekin Ia
e'enty.seven lager>beer saloons. .
The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1874-08-11


NORTH RRkDGTON
Lake IIOteI-J. Il. Martin, Proprietor.
NORR1DGEWOCK
Dantorth House, ID. Danf0rth. Proprieto
NORTH ANSON.
Somerset Hotel. Brown & Hilton, Propri.
et0rs.
OLD ORCHARD BEACH.
Ocean House, e. IL. Dcake, Proprietor.
NORTH STRATFORD N. III.
Willard House, C. 9. Bailey e. Go. Pro.
PEAKS ISLAND.
Union HOuse-W. T.. J ones. Proprietor.
PARIS HILL.
Hubbard Hotel, II. Hubbard, Proprieto
PITTSFHELD.
Lnney House-FietcIer 4 Gale, Prorrie-
tors.
PHILLIPS.
Rarden House, Adams a. Robinson,
ProprietOrs