The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1874-02-07
VARIETY.

\ London milkman feels as helpless as a dan
cing-master without his pumps.
CoRLAISs.-A paper in Dixon, KY, complains
that the hogs scrapfng their backs on the floor
joists of the church put solemn thoughts to hasty
tight. So
No FoUSDATION.-Ihere is no foundation for the
story that the houses Of ono Of BostOns real es-
tate owners are so loaded with mortgages that he
is Obliged to put new underpnnings in every year.
SoAG EAE.-A young lady in Niagara County,
New York, had bumblebee removed from her ear
the other day, the insect having dashed in there.
Now figure on the size Of her ears.
His REPLY.-An editor in Fredericksburg VIr-
ginia, was asked by a stranger if it was possible
that little town kept up four newspapers, and the
reply was, - No it takes four newspapers to keep
up the town."
It is suggested that the immense door-plates
worn by the ladies their belts might be utilized
by engraving thereon the wearer's name, age,
residence, fortune, expectations, and stating
whether her heart is free or engaged.
Wilkie Collins requested the man who was
about to introduce him to n Syracuse audience,
the other day. not to call him " the greatest living
novelist" Everybody" he said, % is the great
est living something, you know"
The famous wit and beauty, Lady WOrtley
Montague, made the most sarcastic observation
ever published about her own sex, '' 1t goes far,
she said. to reconcile me to being women
when / reflect that am thus in no danger of ever
marrying one"
A Sodus topper the other night got at the yeast
Jug and took swig. Putting it down he called
out to his wife, Say, Jane, l wish you wouldn't
mix that chicken feed over the cider Jug Its 'nuf
to make hog sick The yeast made him hop
soon after
Extravaganza in language is most ruinous
phase Of extravagance. The auction people, for
instance, so habitually pile on the agony of the
adjectives to work of poor stuff, that when they
have something really good to sell the bow snaps
and language fails them.
4 serious charge has been brought against
school teacher in Illinois, the specifications of
which are: 81. immortality 2. Parshality
B. Keeping disordly schOal Carrying unlaae
wepings - The Committeeman who wrote the
charge thinks Of running the school himself next
quarter.
Subsequent explanations sometimes very
troublesome In Reading, Pa, few days ago,
a mans life was saved by the ball from pistol,
accidentally discharged, entering Bible which he
carried in his pocket. The religious community
congratulated itself on the fact that religious
man was properly rewarded, but it was afterwards
discovered that this devoee had stolen the sacred
volume and was on his way to pawn it for liquor
when the accident occurred.
ScorCH Wit.-Somebody ought to read the Lon
don Court Journal regularly, with special atten-
ton to that curious melange of news and nonsense
always TO be found in the columns devoted to
Scotland. In 4 twelyemOnth's time he could
publish q book on Scotch humOr and characters
tics that would rival the famous compilation made
bv Dean Ramsay Here is an anccdote some
what abridged, from n recent issue: The will Of
the parish minister of CummOck instructed his
executors to let the people OF his flock have such
small tokens Of remembrance of their deceased
pastor rs they might ask for. An old farmer
called ut the parsonage shortly after the funeral,
and when the widow had informed him OF her
husbands desire, she asked Sandy what he would
like 10 have
..Weel, nv Teddy" said Sandy, scratching his
head .sI | hardly ken what sort o a mementO mOri,
rs We ca it, tae hae; but If We hac objection
| wud tax that lump Of guano We hae i the back
yard
In a country school near Portland, Maine, 4
Young lady teaches school who tries 70 interest the
children in botany and miueralOgy by having them
bring to her the result of their gleanings during
their Saturday rambles in the woods, when she
explains 70 them the nature Of the plant or stone,
and tells them the name This occurs out OF
school hours. Vet last week one Of the Committee
visited her IN school hours and forbade her doing
so any more, giving reason that 1t filled the
chiIdrens heads with nonsense and prevented
their studying.
Those who are old enough to remember the
oldest speIling-bOOks will remember the childs
startling assertion that
In Adams
We sin
The parody on this has been long coming, but
Josh Billings has finally drawn the bead after this
fashion:
In Adams
We al Jined in
Mrs Churchill Of Rhode Island, said in the
Woman's Congress that while at the Boston Jub-
lice she heard one Of Strauss waltzes played
which she called Wine, Women and Song. She
thought the association in the title was outrag,
eous. Bot it was DIR. Luther who first uttered
the sentiment:
Who loves Women, Wine Song.