Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1874-05-28
PHUNNYGRAMS.


There is nothing that will change
man so much as a great grief, unless it is
shaving of his mustache.
-" I'm particularly uneasy on this
point" aaid the fly TO the young gentle
man who stuck him on the end of nee
die.
III live by my pen" pompously said
2 poet who wlEhed to impress a young
lady. lou look rs though you lived IN
one she muttered.
The sadd est thing in life is the spec
tacle afforded by young person who has
burnt AL her hair of her forehead with
hot slate pencil and cannot afford TO buy
? row If cu1ls
An old minister once recommended a
patishigner to take snuff To keep him
awake during the sermon, to which the
old blacRslider retorted that he had better
put snuff in the sermon.
=" Dried tongue" was the answer
which minister, just going out to eX-
change gave to some one who asked
him what he had in his carpet-bag-
which contained seven sermons.
Boy, is that licensed dog?" de
manded Detroit policeman of a lad who
was leading his animal along the avenue.
" No, sir, he's a rat terrier dog" replied
the boy. " and Pm taking MIN down to
have his teeth filed"
~" There are two ways of doing it."
aaid Fat to htmself, as he stood musing
and waiting for Job. "IfI save $4,000,
I must lay up 5000 a year for twenty
years. or | can put $50 away for 200
yeara-now which shall l do?"
When the Prince of Wales was
A -, L.
practical hints as to how to manage
Alexandra founded on his own experience
with Betsy Jane. Now you're married,
my boy" said he, "you can eat onions
The new style Of oath is out. Mrs.
Marrowfat ordered her husband to peel
the onions for dinner before he left the
house yesterday, and Mr. Marrowfat,
bringing down his fist upon the table
with much emphasis, observed: May
be cremated, madam, if dou'
Among the gifts to a Pennsylvania
bride, a few days since, was a broom to
which were attached the following sweet.
sentimental lines:
This trifing Gift accept of me-
Its use | would commend
In sunshine use the bushy part,
In storms the other end.
Another horrible scene in the British
Royal family. The Duchess of Edin-
burgh had borrowed the Princess of
Wales crimping-irons. In returning
them she presented the hot ends to Her
Royal Highness, who thoughtlessly took
hold of them, and then waltzed around
with one hand between her knees for
several minutes before she could speak.
Eye-witnesses of the occurrence express
their belief that the days of the Russian
Empire are numbered.
=" [ conversed,' says writer, "with
a raCist to-day. He told me how he won a
race in New Haven. For four weeks he
mixed soft rubber with the horses oats,
and every day he hitched that horse to
post and opened a blue cotton umbrella
in his face, making him pull back,
stretching his neck awfully Then he'd
shut his umbrella, the horse would stop
pulling and his neck would resume its
original length. He got the horses neck
very elastic, and on the day of the race,
as his horse and the other horses were on
the home stretch, side by side, Just at the
finish, the driver struck this mans horse
a blow behind his ears, and his neck
shout out almost a rod, winning the race
by neck. 1t is said to be the biggest
hOme-stretch on record"