The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-06-05
GOOD POINTS.

The hymn for the Centennial
| Old Hundred.
Ministers of the interior-The
cook and the doctor.
What is the best key for a
Christmas box: A turkey.
Conceit-An ass who imagines
himself to be an elephant.
An unpleasant sort of arithme-
tic-division among families.
Prosperity is the thing in the
world we ought to trust the least.
Why is grass like a penknife?
Because the spring brings out the
blades.
The Worcester, Mass, crusa-
ders have stormed a printing Of
fice- Nobody killed.
Mrs. Cree, who took a second
husband the other day, evidently
wanted to mate.
If man dreams the devil is af-
ter him, it is a sign he had better
settle his subscription bill.
Dobbs thinks that instead of
giving credit where credit is due,
the cash had better be paid
A cynic says marriage is very
often dull book with very fine
preface. Sometimes it is >!half
calf" too.
A Toast.-Woman: the last
and best of the series-if We may
have her for a toast, we won't ask
for any but her.
The New Bedford, Mass, edit
ors are collecting big eggs by
means of artful little paragraphs
praising the persons who send in
in the eggs.
What is the difference between
q jew and q lawyer? The one
gets his law from the prophets,
and the other his profits from the
law.
The Brooklyn Argus says that
a petition for the relief of Boston,
for forbiding the delivery of any
more Sumner culogies, is in cir
culation.
"Don't Quaker ever take of
his hat to any one mammal"
''No, my dear" off he don't take
off his hat to barber, how does
he have his hair cut?"
'Think of it, Mr.. Bobbs, the
United States drinks $50, 100000
worth of spirits every year,
Bobbs (eXcitedly )-"How / wish
l was the United Statesr'
Now that the word shymeneaT'
is so commonly used in reference
to weddings, it is suggested that
births should be headed gerry
meneal" and deaths ''diemeneal."
Autographs of G. Washington
now sell in Philadelphia for dol
lar apiece. Pretty soon 1T will be
necessary to offer o chrome with
these signatures to sell them at
all.
A man in Boston, in his hurry
to assist q fainting lady, got a
bottle of mucilage instead of cam
phor and bathed her face with it.
She was a good deal stuck up
with his attention.
The editor of The American
Sportsman, published at Meriden,
Conn, has bought a five hundred
dollar dog and meets belligerent
visitors with happy smile of
calm content.
A London advertisement runs
thus: ga country priest will say
mass once a week for any one
who will regularly send him the
Times newspaper, second hand,
on the day of its publication"
Advice to persons living in
houses adapted for two families:
When your bell rings, wait; the
other people may go to the door.
When their bell rings, rush to
your door and listen devoutly.
A teacher, who, in a fit of vex-
alton, called her pupils set of
young adders, on being reproyed
for her language, apologized by
saying that she was speaking to
those just commencing their a
rithmetic.
The title of religious article
on "Mirth as q Means of Grace"
is perverted by a rural compositor
into "Mirth as Means of
Grease" He was doubtless
thinking of the proverb: Laugh
and grow fat"
"What do these mean" said
Spicer's friend, pointing to the
three golden balls in front of a
shop the other day. Indians .
was the reply. "Indiansr' said
his friend. ''Yes. Pawn-ees,' re-
torted Spicer.
A gentleman of Louisville has
a dog-a pointer. The dog ran
up the steps of the house and re.
fused TO come down. His master
followed and found ga. Par.
fridge" on the door-plate. This
; illustrates the force of instinct.
/ To sec how eagerly human
being will catch at straw, it i:
not necessary to witness drown
ing. The phenomenon is now
manifest chiefly within saloons
where one end of the straw is i'm
| maPsad In a ty1m hlar
Fair damsel putting on new
gloves ).-"Too tight. o, no
auntie, not at all; besides, 1 like
, them little tight Trouble
some brother.-"Feels as if some
body was squeezing her hand
don't you see, auntie*
"will You have some strawber
ries?" asked a lady of q guest
, "Yes, madam, yes; l eat strawber
, ries with enthusiasm Do tell
. Well, we haven't anything bu
cream and sugar for 'em thi
, evening" said the matter-of-fac
hostess.
2 A Milwaukee boy has swal
: lowed half dozen steel buttons
f and his mother doesn't have L
: scream for him when he is out o.
| the street playing with thos
j, Clukerson boys. She just bring
i. a magnet to the door, and he file
0 to it like q needle to pole.
a nrofessar who stated tha