The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-08-15
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

well water, sprlng water, cisIe'h WAY -
water, slough water, river water, fresh WAFER
salt water clean water, dirty water, gutter wafer
sewer water, dish water, wash water, eye water,
rain water single roof water, tile rooi water,
water with wigglers, water with SUCKS, zones
tic water, imported water, nome maze ~atcr,
bilge water and "wurm" water. ~
Guests ordering water in less quantities imam
one gallon will be permitted to drink IT In the
alley adjoining the hotel. -,
Persons wishing Wurm water Will WINK ~
the waiter with the left eye.
The following is the Beecher-Titon fragrance
set to verse by Whalter Titman:
lncomprehcnsible thingumbob! Gigantic mys-
tery
Cyclopean suggestion Of might, could would, or
should, .
Battling the wherefores, and by darkness limit-
able surrounding the everlasting why
Notg"
Starless, sunless, and even by gaslight unillumi-
NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. Of questions,
Zimmerman triumph of intellectual maze.
Prize pumpkin of modern riddles!
Potdge Of snarled twine and tattercd spider-weos
ecclesiastical,
Himalaya of bamboozlementl
Great craw-tish Of the social seas and saccruo'al
likewise.
Odium theologicum, and 20 and come again,
Which is to be, or not, is why, or which,
Here seeing that by which We think we see,
And nothing see ut all.
SIuirm, wriggc, twist,
Git in git out git under and on top;
Lie low, Ne high, lie everywhere
Squal, kick, bite, pinch,
And utter thy barharic Chrstendom!
When they tried 10 force Miss Gay, OF hide
pendence, Mo, into marriage against her VIII,
she kicked the minister's hat oil, knocked the
Young man down, and rode oil on mule WIN
one foot on either side of him.
An exchange says: Our future is always be.
fore US" 1t seems TO us that this must be so.
Thus far we have never known our future to yet
behind u much
Young man IN Maine had several Of his iing-
ers broken, while operating potato-planter
lately. There was no base ball club in his viii
lage, and he had 20 resort TO this method Of get
ting used up
John Lane, Of Omaha, is so tall that he can
seize hold o; a bar placed twelve feet high,
The editors Of two Vermont papers would nave
fought duel recently but both had TO leave
town on important business
An exchange cunnmgly observes;
DR.. Coyler wants all young ladies to band to-
gcther and say: No lips shall touch my lips
that have touched bottle" Rather rough this,
on the young fellows that were brought up by
hand.
Lebanon (Ky.) gent, in ardently greeting a
long parted wife, broke one of her ribs.
This very fact has created furore OF excite
inent among our ottawa bellies. There is not one
who would object TO being Rugged to death.
An indianapolis editor says Of retiring co.
temporary:
His plumbers never annoyed him. and he was
cheerful and Chrrupy under mountain of mis-
takes
The editor Of the Kerwn (Kan) Chtt can lool;
ont Of his window and see buffalo grazing.
And yet what credit is that to the buffalo?
There is talk Of establishing . sanhedrm
here. The mayor las bhe matter in hand.--ET
ctdRge.
If that has anything like artcsian water in it
we have some fifteen of en- here
boy was seen in the streets of st. Paul few
days ago with his cap full of green apples. II,
Was followed halfa mile by three doctors bcfor,
the first grippe seized him, and then they all had
plenty Of business for the next hour trying tC
keep him undoubled.-EI.
They must have Il curious set Of inefficient
doctors up there, @ho with green apples ant
gripes included, can't Kill a boy. Almost any
doctor here can, single and alone.
The girls of Va3sar College have moonlight
calls on the Hudson, and the young men of that
vicinity are graciously permitted TO stand on The
shore Of that noble river and sec them 70 by. Nc
cards, and no hope of any.-En.
II isn't strange that every masculine editor ii
the United States, especially of the bachelor per
buasion, has something TO say of Vassar College
just think Of 100 or 500 young ladies all pning
20 be loved, and not a man among them. Some
tins we wish we were president of the institu
lion, though we had to be as old as the present
one is VIZ: od1ety and no teeth,
The Detroit Free Press says the footprints of
Chicago lady'on the prairie, near Michigan City
got a crowd Of men out TO hunt for stray clc
plant.
The elephants IN India are now holding indg
nation meeting in sclf.defcnse against this Sian
der upon the gracctulness Of olephantine pcda
mud prcsscrs.
Among the more reliable of the new household
recipes, wc find this:
To rcHoye dandrur TO out on the plains an,
insult an Indian.
Some singers 1T q concert were somcwha
startled TIE other evening by finding that tn,
selection, 20 When wcarod watchers sink {,
sleep had been printed on their programmes
" When married wrCtches,' etc.
We BcctAus," know how both Of these thing
.nrc oursclf.
4 western saper kindly provides Il Lusban,
for the Princess Beatrice in LicutC0l. Fred
er.cL Grant, saying that he would answer If h
were appointed Duke of Montana, Prince o
posey county, fellow of the Young Mems Chris
tian Association, and commapder-In-chief 0f tn
r0iored troops.
Il is q rule Of etiquette in Arkansas that n
;.Ie gentleman wll eat with his leg throw
over TIE back ulhis nciShbor's chair, if he "al
hcip H.
This r. a new rule Gown " thar.