The new Northwest. [volume] (Portland, Or.) 1871-1887, 1874-05-22
CoNFEDRIT Y RoADs.

NO-NE A-AAkAl y INOADEf I
(Wich IL in the State NV Kentucky,)
March II, 1874.
Joe Bigler, the infamus, and Pollock,
wich is worse, hev been at it agin.
There is an amount NV devilment in the
buzzums NV them men wich biles over
perpetooally, and wich kin no more be
stoppe1 then kin fermentashen in cider.
The Corners will hev to rise in its mite,
and kill them two impious wretches in
self-defence.
The fact that Mrs. Bascom, G.. WIS
wife, hes bin gettin large assortment NV
new cloze in Louisville, and that she's
the only woman in the Corners who bez
a second dress-and it wood be almost
safe to say the fust One-haZ been taken
advantage Nv by these feends to per-
dosse an insurrekshen in our otherwise
quiet households.
Issaker Gavitt's wife, Lucindy, and
Deekin Pogram's wife, and his dawter,
Mirandy, happened to be in Pollock's
store buyin some pork to bile, when,
eZ i'll luck wood hev it, Mrs. Bascom
passed down the street. She had on
fur sack and a moo bonnet, and he'd
gloves on, and a muff, and a gold chain,
and she held her head well up, and had
a Ostridge feather. She wuZ a gorgeous
site for the Corners.
''See Mrs. Bascom, Mirandy,n sed Joe
Bigler, callin the attenshun NV the
wimen to her, ez she went sailin down
the street.
They all looked at her, aud rage filed
their chaste buzzums.
II never he'd a buZzum pin,n sed Mi
randy, Indignantly.
"Why, I amt got no shoes-to say
nothin NV fur OvershOes," shrieked
Lucindy Gavitt.
"Why don't Issaker git yoo shoes ?"
asked that villainous disturber, Pollock
"He never hez no money" answered
Lucindy.
"What did he do with the money
paid him for his corn, two weeks ago ?i'
wuz the innocent question Of Pollock.
1t wuZ a spark of fire in a magazine.
''Hez he sold his corn?" she asked, her
voice quiverin with emoshen.
"He did sell it to me two weeks ago."
sed Pollock.
"The ornery cuss Why, he prom
ised me a pare NV shoes, and the baby
some cloze when he sold his corn.n
'But my deer Mrs. Gavitt,n sed this
hypercritikle sneak, 'you know
Just then Mrs. Bascom was returnin-
"But you know" he contiDyOod, che
he'd to pay BascOm, becoZ-by the way,
there goes Mrs. Bascom agin, and amt
she a stunner-beeOz G.. w. he'd to 90 to
louisville to get his wife's winter outfit
and he had to hev what Issaker owed
him."
"And the muney for the corn, which /
planted, and hOed, and cut, and shucked,
he'd to go to put cloZe on Liz Bascom,
did it? Liz Bascom hez cloZe, hez
she?'
And this inraged woman hOwled with
.ar,anahnra ne did NTfraffflr~ Dorrar,a aud
her mother.
And Pollock kept addin fooel to the
fame he had kindled.
"Here,n sed he TO Luciudy, ''is a
lovely piece Nv velvet wich wood make
VOC an elegant sack, and, Lord bless
700, how this French flannel wood
make up into a dress and cloak for yoor
baby It does seem to me as though
IssakeT and the Deekin mite let VOC
wimmen hev enuf muney to git yoo
some things. 1t seems a pity that Mrs.
BascOm shood hev everything ~
Eff there is anything which'll make a
lion out Nv a woman, it's the desire for
dry goods. Pollock knOwed this, and
he PLAYED it onto EN-. He showed em
dry goods till they became raving mani
acs.
Those three misguided wimmin left
that store crusaders-they wus so many
Joan NV Arks. Thro the mud they
went to Mrs McPhelter's, to Mrs Elder
Penuibacker's, and to the wife of every
regler resident NV the Corners, and they
determined to make a move onto Bas-
com, and to stop his biZnis anyway, SO
that the money spent at his bar could
be yoosed in gittin cloze for them and
their children. They appointed Toos-
day last ez the day on wich they wuz
to write, "Less rum-more cloze," and
they wuZ to visit BascOm and set down
in his grocery and compel their hus-
bands not to drink no more, and Bas-
com not TO sell EN- anything any more.
There wuz wild forebOdins of woe in
Bascom's, G. w, hisself, and IssakeT
Gavitt, and Deekin Pogram and myself
sot with pale faces dreading this inva-
sion. l am man NV resources.
advised that alb arl be rolled out
into his barn and bar be extemporized
there, where we Good get our nips. till
this cyclone shOod pass over. This q
w. consented to do, and thus fortified
We sot down and awaited the attack.
wat military conkerer wuz If that
Wuz saved from annihilation nv the
weather gettin so warm and the yealdin
ground so soft that the military coodent
move their artillery? 1t wuz a simiIas
interposishen that saved us. Toosdav,
mornin broke ez warm and ez pleasa1,
ez May-day. The sun cum out smiIin
and IL wuz warm enuff to 20 barefoot
and the Corners wuz happy. The ner.
ceshiOn wuz TO march at eleven.
ave are lost" said Baseom, gloom.
lily,