Wilmington journal. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1844-1895, 1874-10-30
Josh Billings on Hotels:


for the Migrants, the married mans
retreat, and the bachelors fireside
They are kept in all sorts ov wavs.
some on the European plan, and men,
ny on no plan at all.
a good landlord il like good ster
mother-he knows hiz bizzness. and
means to do hiz duty.
He knows how to rub hiz hands
with joy when the traveller draw
nigh; he knows how to smile; he knew
yure wife's father when he WIZ livinor
aad yure wife's fust husband. bnt e.
don't speak about him.
He kan tell whether it will rain r.
morrow or not; he hears yure kon-
plants with tear in hiz eye; he bIows
up the servants at yure Suggestion
and stands around reddy, with !,
shirt-collar as stiff as broken china
A man may be good Sunreo,,
| Kourt Judge, and at the same time h.
I is miserable landlord.
Most everybody thinks they can
keep hotel-and they kan; but thu
ackounts for the great number as
hotels that are kept on the same min
ciple that a justlss ov the peace offi i
liz kept in the kuntry during a 60
days jury trial for KILN somebodav,s
old yaIler dorg.
A hotel won't keep itself and keen
the landlord, too, and kure a traveller
from the habit of profane swareine.
/ have had this experiment tried On
me several times, and it alwas makes
sware wuss.
1t liz too often the kase that landlords
go into the biZzness ov hash az minis.
ters go into the professionalism the
very best motives, but poorest kind ov
prospects,.
| l don't know ov emmy biZzness more
fattersum than the tavern bizzness.-
There don't seem tew be ennythinp
tew do but tew stand in front oy the
register with pen behind the ear, and
see that the guests enter themselves "a
az soon az they enter the house; then
! yank bell rope SIX or seven times.
and then tell John tew sho the gentle.
man tew 976; and then take four dol
lars and fifty cents next morning from
the poor devil ov traveller, and let
him Went.
This seems few be tie whole thing
and it IL the whole thing in most
cases.
Yu will diskover the following de-
skrimshun a mild one ov about 9 no.
tells out ov 10 between the At antik
5 and Pacifck oshuns, akrost the United
States in a straight line:
= Yure room liz Ii foot 6 inches by 8
foot inches parallelogramly.
) 1t being court-week( as usual) all the
good rooms are employed bi the law.
&: yers and judges.
Yure room IL on the uttermost floor,
The carpet IL ingrain-ingraned
S with the dust, kerosene lie and inl
, | spots ov four generasLuns.
e Ihare IL two pegs in the room tew
S hitch coats onto, one of them brok,
oph, and the other pulled out, ant
: missing.
The buro haz three legs and ont
! brick.
a The glass tew the buro swings O,
! two pivUts, which have lost their grip
i Thare IL one towel on the rack, thin
a but wet.
a The rain water in the pitcher Gun
Out ov the Wen.
The soap IL az tuff tew wear az
- milestone.
u Tie soap IL scented with cinnamon
- lie, and varlagated with spots.
Ihare IL three chairs, kane seeted
= one liz rocker, and all three ar
= busted.
- Thare IL matchbox, empty.
Ihare Il no kurtin tew the Windo
Ii and thare don't want tew be enny; y,
Il kant see out, and who kan see i'll?
"a The bell-r0pe IL cum oph about
IS inches this side ov the ceiling.
j. Tie bed z Q modern slat-b bottom
Re with two mattrassas, one cotton all,
I'd one busk, and both harder and abou
y as thick as a seabiskitt.
Z Yu enter the bed sideways, and ka1
feel every slat at once az you could til,
e ribs ov Il gTid-iron.
u The bed IS inhabited.
n W sleep aum, but role over gooG
!, deal.
II For breakfast yu hav gong and Ri,
: ko1fee tew kold to melt butter, frid'
n potatCze which resemble the chips
/" Jwo-inch anger makes il its journe,
lie thro an oak log.
IL Bread solid; beefsteak about az thil
al bLster-plaster, and az tutl az
- hound year.
!. Table covered with plates, fey
Il scared to deth pickles on one Ov then
u and tly-iEdo1 sed crackers on another
- i peWterlnktOln castor with ti,re'
Io bottles III it,Cne without emmy mustnr'
~ ana ClC Win L"O Inches VI ulO"Att
- fiies and vinegar IN 1t.
Is Servant girl with hoops On, hangs
~ round you earnestly, and wants teW
know il yu viii take another cup ov
"a kofte.
Ill Yu say. ''No, nom, thank w.
OF and push back yure clair.
Il Iu haven't eat enutf to pay ior pick
y ing yure teeth.
N [ am about as self -konsaited as It
Ee viii DO for man few be and not crack
l. open; but [ never yet konsalted that L
N could keep hotel. l had rather be a
d. Aiwayman than tew be sum landlords
ig / have visited with.
/, There are hotels that are JOY upol
. earth; WHARF u man pays hiz bill 81
e cheerfully as he did the parson who
Of married him; WHARF you kant find the
&c landlord unless yu hunt III the kitcli-
ii en-; where servents glide around Ase
N angels ov mercy; where the beds III Il
E. mans back like the feathers on Il
D. gooze; and where the whites taste JUS.
e az tho Your wife CT yure mother hsu
+ fried 'em.
h These kind ov hotels ought to be
Of built on wheels, and travel abound me
,e kuntry. They are az phull ov cumior,
G as thanksgiving pudding; but, aiass
yes. aIass they are az unplenly a.
+ double-yelked eggs.
:; Special telegram to the Ri, hmond u 'pa'cn'
- etc prObaDIc Complexion OF 'hs
~ e.