The new Northwest. [volume] (Portland, Or.) 1871-1887, 1874-12-11
Why Don't They Marry 2

! don't intend to do il, Mr.. Editor.
The Chronicle may editOrialize, statis-
ticians may theorize, poets may idealize,
and women may use their eyes, but they
may all count me out. Why should i
marry? Home comforts, do you say?
am 80 years of age. ] have good
health, some good looks, (enough for
me-, and good income, enough for
me-. / have a comfortable room, and
some pleasant friends; and when / can't
make myself comfortable at home, can
go outside and look for comfort. can
go where l like to eat, and can take
what / like to drink; and there is no one
to say, "why is this thusly" to me; and
/ can stay out all night if so elect,
without having the papers in a divorce
suit served TO me next day with my
lunch. l can wear my old shoes if /
like, or | can buy six pairs of new ones
II / choose; and who shall say ooh,
whyn' TO me? / can cover my features
with the beard of manliness, or go shorn
like Norman priest; and | can, with
out fear of Mysteries, or a vision of a
mother-in-law, snub any one who shall
make remarks upon my capillary eccen-
tricities. I can have all my chamber
windows open top and bottom, and sleep
cross-vise upon my couch, or can read
till o'clock in the morning, and smoke
until a fire alarm from box No. O. is
turned in; nor shall any body ask me
"How long is this going to last ?'
can turn around in my walks abroad,
and gaze refiectingly upon q passing
"Oxford tie" and my ribs shall not SUI
fer from the nudge of admonition, mol
shall be put to shame before my kim
dred. 1 may take my seat in the front
row of the orchestra chairs. Veal / car
enscOnce myself in the stage box, and
behold therefrOm the drama spectacular
and no saratogas shall be hastily packed
in and removed from my residence nexi
day; nor shall hack with bonnet boz
inside of it drive hurriedly away from
my front doorstep, and caust thou say
thus much, o, married man with you
"home comforts" Posterity, did yoI
remark, my Bohemian journalist?
expect posterity to do nothing for me
and / don't intend to DO anything TO
Posterity. Let posterity look out for it
SELF am not responsible for the vita
statistics, and my dreams would be severe
no matter how much awry the average
might be. My sons will embezzle n,
public funds; nor will they be sent 4
Congress; no daughter of mine shall
contract a matrimonial alliance" will
a foreign Count; nor shall any of min
make me regret the day she saw tn
light. Let Others provide for posterity
and rear their handsome dead sea frui
70 turn to ashes in their aged and tooth
less mouths. Calmly shall l descent
the steepening hill Of age, foregoing
willingly the "filial smile" in my Sc
curity from paternal loss. Let other
increase their risks, and multiply thei
dangers-my own are enough for me
few as they are. | see hOuris-and dr.,
goods; angels-and hear the clink of tn
coin; behold the glow of the household
hearth-and the skeletons closet stand
ajar. 1t is enough. / am a bachelor
/ shall remain one. Go thou and d,
likewise. Never mind what rougl
things the papers say Of thee; when tn,
day shall come upon which thou shal
deem it necessary to strike a final bal
ance, thy reward shall be thine, our ap
prOval and the in-spOken words, "Youl
head was level" which will be better
than room full of family, and lapseC
Life Insurance policy. What do yOl
think about it it?-BOhenlidn.