Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1874-07-02
PHUNNYGRAMS.

A correspondent asks, "What takes
up more room on a sidewalk nowadays
than a fashionably- dressed temale? !"
Answer-A boy in a new pair OF boots.
A Liverpool woman, to shield her
husband who was charged with removing
the end Of her nose, swOre that she bit it
off herself
=" Cast Iron Sinks" is written upon
the sign of a Hartford plumber WELL
who (hic) said it didn't" chuckled an in
ebriate man after reading it over three
times.
"A Missouri husband wheeled his Grip
pied wife three miles the other day to let
her see a funeral procession, the first
she had had the pleasure of seeing for
seven years"
=" How like its father it is" exclaimed
the nurse, on the occasion of the christen-
ing of baby whose father was over sew
enty and had married young wife
Very likely" replied sarcastic lady;
" it hasn't a tooth in its head"
"A lecturer on optics, in explaining the
mechanism Of the organ of vision, re-
marked: Let any man gaze closely into
his wife's eye, and he will see himself
looking so exceedingly small that
Here the lecturers voice was drowned by
shouts of laughter and applause which
greeted his scientific remark.
"A youth [ will call George was en-
gagged to be married, but was financially
unable to call in the minister. His aft
anced wanted the affair brought to a
finale, but George kept putting her off
with promises, saying he was not able to
marry, etc, etc. Finally she said, "Deah
Gauge, am willing to marry you if we
have to live on bread and water" Well,
brell!" cried George, "you furnish the
anead and I'll try and skirmish around
Old hunt up enough water."-Indjanap-
wS Herald.
A Love Story" Phairest of the
phair," sighed the lover, "phancy my
pheelings when phoresee the pheerful
consequences of our phIeeing phrom your
phather's phamily. Phew phellows could
have placed the music with so much
phortitude as | have; and as pickle
phortune phales to smile upon our love,
[ phind myself phorced to phOrego the
pleasure of becoming your husband
Phare Phrances, phare well phorever"
Hold, Phranklin, hold" screamed
Phrances. II will phollow you phorev-
er." But Phranklin piled, and loving
Phrances phainted.
"A gentleman had occasion to call on
the Rev. Thomas Campbell when he was
at Glasgow. "Is the dominic in?" he in
quired of portly dame who opened the
door. d" He's in the Yard, sooperintendin'
Sauners, the carpenter. Ye can see him
the moo if your business is vera precise"
The gentleman walked into the ward,
where he beheld a carpenter briskly
planning away to the air of Bonnie Mag
gle Lauder, and the dominic standing by.
Unwilling to intrude on their CONVERSE
ton, he stepped aside, and heard: Saun-
ers, say Can We no hear me-" Eyes,
minister, hear We. What's your will?"
Can We no whistle some mair solemn
and godly tune while ye're at your
work." " A-weeI, minister, if it be your
wull, I'll cen do it." Upon which he
changed the air to the Dead March in
Saul, greatly to the hindrance of the
planning. The dominic looked on for
some minutes in silence, and then said
Sauners, haze another word to say till
We. Did the guide wife hire We by the
days darg or by the job?" "The days
darg was our agreeing, master" Then,
on the whole, Sauners, | think We may
just as well gle back to whistling Bonnie
Maggie Lauder"