Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-02-27
FL UM

MANY OF whom. just as the curtain Is Ieduy
to fall at the close Of the last act, seize
their hats and rush for the door as franti-
cally as if they had just received the start
ling intelligence that the only saloon in
the city would be closed for the night in
two minutes and a half.
"John,' y said a clergyman to his man,
Esyou should become a teetotaler; you have
been drinking again to-day" "Do you
ever take a drop yourself, meenister 2"
eyes, John but you must look at your
circumstances and mine" every true,
SIR says John; '9but can you tell me how
the streets of Jerusalem were kept so
clean 90 "No, John, I cannot tell you
that ''Well, sir, it was just because
every one kept his ain door clean"
ssTom, a word with you''' BE quick,
then, I'm in a hurry" "What did you
give your sick horse tother day." "a
pint of %turpentine." John hurried home
and administered the same dose to his ia
yorite charger, which died in half an hour.
His opinion of TOMS veterinary ability was
modified. He met him the next day
"Well, Tom, I gave my horse a pint of
turpentine, and it killed him. $50 it did
mine.7'
A few days ago a very handsome lady
entered a dry goods house and inquired for
a "beau." The polite clerk threw himself
back and remarked that he was at her ser
vice. Eyes, but 1 want a buff, not a green
one,'' was the reply. The young man went
on measuring goods Immediately.
An ingenious wife Des Moines cured her
husband Of snoring thus: She had a gutta-
percha tube with two cup-slaped ends, one
she puts over his nose and mouth, and the
other over his ear. He consumes his own
noise, as a stove does it's smoke, and wakes
up instanter.
A portly gentleman crowded himself ins
to a horse-car next to a young man, who
said perhaps you would not crowd in
here if you knew I had just had the small
pox." ''Oh, that's nothing" was the re-
ply, sfor this is the first time l have been
out since l had it myself
An old bachelor says that giving the bal
lot to women would not amount to any
thing practically, because they would keep
saying that they weren't old enough to
vote until they got too old to take any III
terest in politics.
';What lis a more exhilarating sight, "
asks a Vermont paper, ''than to see eigh-
teen handsome girls sliding down hill ON
an ox-sied 9" "Nineteen,7 says the ex-
perienced editor of the Boston "Post.'i
In Nevada a contemplative Digger In
dian sat watching a party baseball play
ers. who seemed to him to be working very !
hard. Turning to one Of them, lie asked
"How much you get one day 2"
At a meeting, the singer who led the
psalm tune, finding that the concluding
word, which was Jacob, had not syllahles
enough to fill UP the music adequately,
thus ~siJa-a-a-Ja-a-a tol de riddle cob"
An editor, who speaks with the air of a
man who has discovered a new fact by eX-
perience, says the new way to prevent
bleeding at the Rose is to keep your nose
out of other peoples business.
A Dutch congressman remarked: Even
| vas elected | thought | would find dem
all Solomons down here but | found dere
vas some as pick fools here as mineself.''
The Green Briar Miss Herald, i'll sus-
pending, says: Hang this town. Hang
all men in it-throw the rest in the river,
and plant the town site in cucumbers "
An old edition Of Morse's! geography
.o-c, * A1lo>., I.o, 400 53,ro1Ii,~ Ia,,,o-
and 2,400 inhabitants, all standing with
their gable-ends to the street,
A man was Boosting that he had been
married for twenty years and had never
given his wife a cross word. Those who
know him say he didn't dare to.
Are blaeksmitlls, who make a living by
forging, or carpenters, who do d little
counter fitting. any worse than men who
sell iron and steel for a living.
MaIaa-ABreakfast will soon be ready,
Tommy. NTommy-(in a harry to try his
new skates) Couldn't papa ask the bless
ing o just to save time 2"
The editor of the Panama s'Star'' apollo
gizes for the non-appearance Of his paper
10y saying that he had to haul off to dig
bucksiot out of his legs.
Colonel Sweet, editor of the san Ar
tonic, (Texas) Herald, recently received
two Indian scalps as a present freln an
admirer of his paper.
A couple in Kansas lately paid their
marriage fee in butter. Somebody sue-
gests that s'they belonged to the creme de
Ia ~eTe91e."
Writing a sketch of his life, an Irislman
says that he early ran away from his faith
Ell because he discovered that he was only
his uncle.
A Western paper is dead. In it's last
gasp it family whispered, Two hundred
subscribers, and only thirty-one CT them
paid up"
a Western paper announces the coming
of a star actor who will show !'our benight-
ed citizens how Shakespeare ought to be
slung."
What is the difference between a farmer
and q bottle Of whisky !? One husbands the
corn, and the other corns the husbands.
Cardinal Antonelli is laid up with THE
govt, brought N by a life of abstinence
and self-deniaL.
Why is a person who never laysEa wager
as bad as a regular gambler !? Because he
is no better.
When is a young lady like a whale ?