The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-01-09

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A post-mistress in Pennsylvania
employs her husband as head
clerk.
A Georgia editor was bitten by
dog, "being evidently mistaken
for bone"
Cline cuts down all, both great
and small" How about the pro-
vision and grocery bills?
Transactions in HAIR is the
heading by Detroit editor to an
account of street fight.
ssHe- Face Was Her Fortune"
will soon be followed by Ellis
Cheek Was What Made Him"
Smirkins looked at a painting
of pig and pleasantly asked,
"Who is that pigment for:
When policeman finds 3 man
full he takes him to the station
house and his friends bail him
out.
A Philadelphia paper has as
certained that Noah Webster used
to play euchre and steal eggs.
Mrs. Darlington says she gets
up every morning at the shriil1
carrion of the chandelier.
Springfield, Mass, has an ordi-
nance which imposes fine on
any one "Who swears out aloud"
The young man who boosted he
could marry any girl he pleased,
found that he couldn't please
any.
A lazy editor in Ohio reads all
his exchanges in bed. He finds
it the easiest way to fill up his
sheet.
The manner of advertising for
husband in Java is by placing an
empty fower-pot on the portico
roof.
"Grangers, will sell you collins
cheaper than any other man In
the city, is what a Council Bluffs
man advertises.
One advantage of living in Troy
is that one can go to any hydrant,
any day, and get an eel for dinner,
and no extra charge
Georgia Item.-ssBlll Bridges,
of Dooley county, attempted to
knock down a pine tree with his
horse, and killed the latter"
Elgin, Illinois, offers the boys
two cents apiece for all the rats
they can kill, and the schools are
on the point of suspending.
Colored citizens of the south
don't say "shoo fly" when an in
sect troubles them nowadays
"Gwoffemdah" is the mysterious
word.
Mrs. Andrews, of Vermont, said
she didn't care darn whether din
ner suited her husband or not, and
a justice fined her seven dollars.
California papers won't publish
the Governors message on &C
count of its length. It makes
nine columns of solid nonpariel.
1t is suggested that in building
railroads, the rails should be heat
ed red-hot, so that the workmen
will lay them down rapidly.
A Maine man has sued a paper
for SANDER for calling him an in
defatigable genius, and a local pa
per says q jury has awarded him
1912 damages.
The editor of the Duluth Her
aid publishes a proclamation, say
ing, eve shall jerk a living ont of
this society during the coming
winter, or we are much mistaken"
A young lady of Logansport
recently sent a young man four
quarts of batternuts as a token of
acknowledgements for having saw
ed her from drowning.
A philosopher says that a true
man never frets about his place in
the world, but just slides into it
by the gravitation of his nature,
and swings there as easily as a
star.
During the biting frost Of last
night, horse was left standing
on Liberty street without a har-
ness on. A man who would leave
a horse in that condition would
chew plug tobacco at his mothers
funeral.
1t is announced from Washing
ton that the late President Lin
coins coachman has been appoint
ed to snug place in the Treasury
Department. This goes far to
confirm the popular belief that
ours is stable government.
A Titusville paper says: GA
man called at one of our shoe
stores yesterday and vainly essay
ed to get on either numbers II, IL
or Is shoes. The store-keeper
then suggested that he should put
on a thinner pair of stockings and
try on the box
"If," says a Western editor, the
the day before Thanksgiving" we
had a dollar for every glass of
lemon slop, sweetened wine, beer
and thicker things that will be
drank TO morrow, we wouldn't dun
another subscriber in year. But
we haven't that number of dollars,
SO pay up"
It is now discovered that the
account of balloon" being
found in tree in North Africa,
and supposed to have travelled
southwark from. France during the
, Franco-German war, is founded on
a typographical error. The word
should have been printed ''ba
boon"
A geAteel appearing loafer adj
dressed an insulting remark to :
; lady of Troy, n. Y. She had 8
pail of yeast in her hand, and
answered his impertinence with {
dash of the lively liquid which
covered him from head to foot
! His friends now regard him as {
rising young man.
A Precentor who had bad colo
occupied the ''desk' SO badly, tina
the minister whispered to hin
over the side of the pulpit
"What's the matter nj We, John p
i John whispered back-'sThat Their
was an unco kittlin in the pau
o'his bass" "a knitting do "
caw't2 It sounds to me Like a
: auld tam cat"
The Boston Traveller says
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