The Portland daily press., 1874-01-08


A modest paragraphist tells us that there
is nothing like seeing his items travel from
Boston to Frisco and back again to convince
him of their utter lack OF sense.
A sentimental editor says; 'It is comfort
ing to know that one eye watches fondly for
our coming, and looks brighter when we
come" A contemporary is grieved to l'arn
that his ''brother of the quill has wife with
bnt one eye."
Judged at Sight.-Mr. Cadby Ito youthful
heir of the house): 'Just take and ring that
bell for me, ad.''
Reginald Guy Plautagenet (quietly): 81
was going to ring. 1 live here. sut if you
we come for the footman's place, we were
suited yesterday
The Chicago Inter Ocean has gone int, the
conundrum business. 1t wants to know
'What is money!" Which reminds us OF the
Irishman's definition of salt, as being ''tbe
stuff that spoils potatoes if they don't have
anv on" Money is the blessing that bright.
ems as it takes its leave.
81 have offered to take wood,' says the ed
itor OF the Gagoso (Mo.) Democrat, in a
touching appeal, 'but not one stick has been
hauled to the Office by subscriber. If the
paper is not issued next week, the friends Of
it will know that editor, publisher, and devil
are getting up wood to run the Office the bal
ance of the winter"
Little Brown (who thought himself irresisti
BILE as Mephistopheles): ''Fairest Marguerite,
why look upon me as tempter?'
Miss Cynical: "You, Mr. Brown! Certain
ly you are about the last person 1 should
think of in that capacity"
1.-THE demon is exercised, not to say ''shut
up."]
An Irish glazier was putting pane of glass
into window, when groom who was stand
ing by began Joking him, telling him to mind
and put in plenty of putty. The Irishman
bore the banter for some time, but at last ST.
iChSCu hio tOfHCutOi AItdu, uOW DC
off wild ye, or else I'll put pane in yer head
head without any putty"
An enraged traveller, one Of your fastid-
ious felo VS., writing home from the far West,
says: Descending to the bar-room, took
my turn at tin wash basin with cake ol
yellow soap, and dried myself on a musty
towel hung on broom. A boot-jack and a
len dog lie in the middle of the floor, the
chairs long ago ceased to be quadrupeds,
discomfort is king, and dirt is prime minis
ter''
Stretch of privilege.-Daughter of the house
Ito privileged old friend of the family
''Dear Mr.. Lupus, you don't seem to be en-
joying yourself 1 should like to have yor
waltz this one with me-"
Privileged Old Friend: ''My dear child, i
don't dance; but if it suits you, wouldn'
mind sitting here with my arm around youl
waist, while the others ale making themselve
dizzy"
A German friend was once relating con
versation he had heard between two gentle
men, one of them Col. E. Ia man notoriou;
for defrauding his creditors out of a large snn
of money. and who in turn was defrauded by
his own son. The Colonel was cOmplainine
bitterly OF his loss, when the other reminde;
him of the old adage: ''As the old cocl
crows, 90 crows the young" The German
told the story: "He told the Colonel tina
the young rooster crows, so peter as the olt
rooster.''
A cadaverous Nevada man sat down in a
Detroit restaurant the other day aud asked
for some ''briled fox; but the astonishet
waiter only shook his head. Fried wolf and
chunk of mule were next asked for by the
pitying stranger, who, when he found he
could not get either of the thtee dishes,
moved back his chair, Indignantly demanded
to know what man was going to eat, an(
added in loud voice. ''If can't get squar
lunch in the State I'll leave for Laramie
afore snow fiies!'
Rev DR.. Todd was once making some in
quires ofa gentleman, respecting minister
that he had formerly knowl. The repl
was, that he was considered u very goo'
man, though some of his parishioner5
thought he traded horses a little ofener thai
he needed TO. The doctor said his cas-