Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1874-01-01

| jfnSntnn, Le1IlDS DcaTtS dIDEUu yDus
Numbering graves that can't be told.
Gloomy night is closing round you,
Death is waiting t tho door
Gold its power has lost to save you,
Once 60 rich, bat now 30 poor!
Humorous and Witty.
The best flower for debtors to cult.
vate-" Glad-1-owe-less."
| WHEN is the weather like an intelli-
gent baby2 When it's knowing.
TROUBLES are like dogs the smaller
they are the more they annoy you.
WIDOWS who cry most are easiest
consoled. There is nothing like wet
weather for transplantiDg. .
| A COURT JESTER is relic of antiqui-
tv. while a clown is antic-witty him
self.
A c1ERGYMAN lately said that modern
Young ladies are not the daughters of
Sheen and Ham, but of hem and sham.
"TH1s is the Rock of Ages, " SAID the
father, rocking two hours, and the
baby still awake. -
A cH1RoPoD1sT announces on his
card that he has :" removed corns from
several of the crowned heads of Eu-
rope"
DOUGLAS JERBoLD, on being asked
what was meant by dogmatism, an
swered, =" Puppyism come to maturi-
IT," >.--.,s...-,<.z.. :
"WHAT makes you feel uncomforta-
able when you have done wrong 7" ask
ed a teacher who was lecturing her
pupils on conscience. "My fathers
leather strap" answered boy.
A YOUNG lady, conversing with . gen.
tleman, spoke Of having resided in St.
Louis. :Was st. Louis your native
place % asked the gentleman 'tWel,
yes-part of the time, replied the
lady. j.
A MINISTER having remarked that
there would be q nave in the new edi-
fee the society was erecting, an old
lady said "she knows the person to
whom he REFEREED"
"WHAT comes after T?" asked q
teacher of small pupil who was learn
ing the alphabet. BE received the
bewildering reply, "You do-to see
'Lize." .s'
"BoY, what's become of the hole I
saw in your pants the other day Z :"
Young Amer1ca, carefully examining
his unmentionables, " It's worn out,
sir" -:
A YOUNG NAN who has lost his new
hat states that unless it Is returned he
will forward to the wife of the person
who took it the note found concealed
in the lining of the old one Left in its
place,
Ar one of the ragged schools in Ire
land, q clergyman asked the question,
"what is holiness 2" A pupil in dirty,
tattered rags, jumped up and said:
"PIaze yer rivcrence, it's to be clane
inside.
| A QUARRELsoME couple were discuss
ing tie subject of epitaphs and tomb
stones, and the husband said: my
dear, what kind of stone do you sup
pose they will give me when diet"
Birthstone, my love, was the affec-
tionate reply.
The poet of the Philadelphia Led
ger will undoubtedly go crazy With
envy after reading these touching
lines: - 3. ---.v~.'r
Brokers and bafberB are something AhkA,
They both for your custom are craving;
Both Of them know how to bleed to charm,
And both take pleasure I'm shaving.
"MKE; will You come in and take .
drink2 Mike, looked at the man fo1
the space of half q minute, and then,
rolling his eyes upward, very softly
SAID: "I tot it was an angel sphaking
to ma"
JOHN RASDo1PH met personal en-
emy in the street one day, who refused
to give him half of the sidewalk, say.
ing that he never turned out for . ras-
cal. 81 do" said Randolph, stepping
; aside and politel; raising his hat.
Pass on"
SCENE Ballroom Young gentle
man Qoquitor): IS My dear Miss -,
did you hear that my mother, coming
out of the door the other night
stepped upon q cat and was thrown
down the steps !"
Miss -: ssIndeed, was the ca
:, injured I"
"UxLEss, you give me aid, " said ,
beggar to benevolent lady, 81 an
, afraid I shall have to resort to some
thing which I greatly dislike to do.
The lady handed him . dollar, and
compassionately asked, "What is it
, poor man, that I have saved yot
from" "Work," was the mournfu
anSwer.
A MISSIONARY among the freedmen IL
,, Tennessee, after relating to some little
> colored children the story of Anania,
= and Sapphira, asked them why Coz
does not strike everybody dead tha
tells . lie, when one of the least in tn
, room quickly answered, Becaus'
there wouldn't be anybody left.
A GENTLEMAN at dance remarked 4
8 his partner, witty young lady, tha
t the stroom was so close he must g
out and get some air. After an ab
> sence of half an hour he returned
= when she asked him eff he had beel
to the graveyard, as his breath smel
a of the beer"
d "WHERE are you goingi"' said
!. young gentleman to an elderly one II
o white cravat, whom he overlook
# few miles from Little Rock. an
70 going to heaven, my son. I have bee
Y on the way eighteen years. Well
) goodbye, old fellow, if you have bee
It travelling toward heaven eightee'
n years, and got no nearer to it than Al
70 kansas, I'll take another route
d A YOUNG woman of q very prudis
e turn was hurt in railway accident AM
y taken to the hospital, when the docto
y asked her what was the matter wit
n her. One of her limbs, she said, va
# injured. "Well," he returned, "bu
g which limb2'' @tOh, I can't tell you
: doctor, but it is one of my limbs.
8 "Oh, nonsense - cried the doctor on
of all patience; (which is 1.-THE lm'
You thread needle with r. ''No
sir" she answered withsa blush; 'th
E limb I wear a garter on!"
2 TIE editor of The Louisiana (Mo.
2 Press, in relating what he knows abou
). farming, touches up the hog questio
e in this style "To make Berkshire pig
. out of your hazel-splinters, select
Q cool day, stand them ON their hams
z tie to sapling, and drive their nose
= back into their shoulders, leaving a
|, inch protruding. If you look at til
q agricultural papers, you will see tha
n all blooded hogs are fixed that way.
t you have any whose noses are ]onge
d than the rest of the body, better se
/. them to an artesian we'll company fO