The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-11-28
CREAM or OUR EXCHANGES.

ST. Louis will open her souP-houses shortly
She will take another census that VIII max
Chicago howl.--NH. Sentinel M
If they would season their soup with an OLE
rubber boot, it might make swelling of the
number.
Secretary Bristow has had occasion to rebuk,
several female clerks in his department for sit
ting with their feet up against the window sill
during lunch time. He says it interferes with
the freedom Of gestion.-Brooklyn Argus.
We think that it shuts out all the light on the
subject, while having their feet in the window.
turkey was seen looking over an almanac
and counting with his toes the number of days
before Christmas.
1t lie supposed that the aforesaid turkey came
from New Jersey, and had escaped from some
circus
We find the following in the fashion intelli-
gence from New York:
The other day at meeting OF a certain famous
womans club in New YORK, the ladies amused
themselves comparing their carriers to see
which wore the handsOmest for carriers OF eAtrav.
agant expense have lately come into fashion, and
several OF these club members wear theirs clasp
ed with gold and precious stones. The jewellers
are all introducing new designs for garter clasps
which promise shortly to cost as much as the
bracelet that fashion has discarded A charming
woman ana singer IN society ID sad 10 wear q
pair Of carriers that cost $500.
We object to the fashion. No lady wearing
carters with jeweled claps worth $500 could re.
sist the temptation to shew them; and then it
would become fashionable for all to show their
garters; and then they would get to wearing
them higher up; and then-and thcn-but we
drop the subject.
Turn hmm rod tnlf nF amin
consumed at Berlin by the new Reclaim -Sicmens
cremation furnace in about ninety minutes. 1t
was reduced to ashes at the small price OF g.
Now, this is really cheap-sl for fat people, fifty
cents for thin; children half price.
Wouldn't that be nice-whcn a modern first.
class funeral costs several hundred dolarsg
HERE'S YOUR PUzzLE!-Thrce girls went to
market. The first had 10 eggs the second had
30 and the third had 80 They all SOLD their eggs
on the same terms, and at the same rate, and
each received the same amount OF money. How
did they sell them?
Answers solicited.-Amboy Jour.
Reckon they sold them in lump for the big
gest price they could get, and divided even.
A curious Frenchman has recently made cal
cuation showing that man talks on an average
three hours day, or at the rate of about twenty.
nine octave pages an hour. That would make
about 600 pages a week, fifty two good sized vol
umes year. and in lifetime of fifty years 1900
volumes He does not state the number of vol.
umes spoken by the other sex, but the statistical
student can multiply the product by four
A California man has discovered a spring, the
water of which possesses the peculiar property
OF taking grease spots out of the finest fabric
without altering the color in the least, and also
Of removing freckles from the face. The owners
intention is to bottle the water and sell it.-Fr.
Has any one tried the Ottawa Settler water on
grease,spots or freckles? We rcpel the intima.
lion with Indignation and scorn that there is any
water in California, or anywhere else, superior to
that of the Ottawa mineral springs for any pur-
pose.
Here is an item Of the utmost importance TO
milk-mads:
British ship has brought from India the !
most remarkable natural curiosity the world
ever saw-being Brahma bull with perfectly
shaped human arm protruding from It's back. III
this is to be new herd OF bovines, and the arm
can be cultivated to the proper length we don't
see why we cannot have a valuable stock OF self.
mixers. II
Sentimental arithmetic calculates thus Two
chances make one look; two looks make one ,,
sigh four sighs make one waltz; three waltzes (
make one palpitation; two palpitatons make
one call two calls make one attention; two at |
tentions make one fool sometimes two); two
fools make one nirtatlon; one Irritation plus two
bouquets equal to one engagement, equal to one S
marriage
The Baltimore Sun mentions as curious fact e.,
that premium was awarded at the last Mary ,
land state fair for speaking jackassm All the
words the animal could utter were "Why not!
Was the premium awarded because the speaker
said so little Surely If the state fairs 70 to
awarding premiums to all speaking jackasses,
without reference to the quantity Of words they
utter an average presidential contest must {
ba nkrupt all the state fairs in the country
We have heard OF fellows going deliberately to
The saloon, thence into street row, thence to l.
| he calaboose, thence to the Squirrels court all
Tor the purpose OF getting their names in the pa.
pers, but when man is immortaized in verse,
as the Burlington Hack Eye does it, surely the
cup Of his ambition ought to be full
It's seldom the glad earth ever Yields
drunken man than Thomas Fields,
lie holered, and whooped,
And shrieked and howled,
And beloved, and roared
And raved, and yow'ed
Till gentle policeman heard his din,
And kindly, but firmly gathered him in,
And hushed the noise Of his boisterous mug
BY locking him up in the silent Jug
Twas tough on Thomas;
He couldn't 90 thence
Till he'd ante'd ten dollars and several cents
See what the recent coppcrhead victory In
Massachusetts is leading to. "A clergyman of
Pittsaeld relates, in local paper, the case of his
Dat as showing remarkable symptoms of anti.
Niger depravity:
After giving birth to seyen kittens recently, of
various colors, she removed the two blacklist
from the group and utterly refused to take any
notice Of them. No sooner were they restored
TO her nest than she again and again elected
And this In defiance OF the Eifteeth Amendment |