Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-05-08
II U M Or.


A few days since prominent lawyer in
st. Cloud, Minnesota, carried home a nice
young turkey, but was told by the servant
girl that it must be very old as it had lost
all it's whereupon said lawyer was
greatly surprised, and replied that he had
not particularly examined the turkey, but
had relied wholly upon the butcher, who
said it was young.
A young man having put a crown piece
into "the plate' in an Edinburgh church
by mistake, instead of a penny, asked to
have it back but was refused In once, in
forever, "Aweel, aweel," grunted he, II
will get credit for it in heaven" ''Na,
na,o said Jeems, the door-keeper, "ye'll
get credit only for the penny We meant to
gle"
The average Burlington, Iowa, saloon
keeper must be bad indeed. A learned di-
vine in that city recently addressed one of
them as follows "Wretched man If the
bed Of that river was bank high with the
suds of salvation, and June rise of piety
coming down from the noun tains, there
wouldn't be enough to wash your feet"
Type-setters should be careful to dip
their fingers into the right boxes. Out
West an editor has been sued for libel, in
having published that Il certain Mr.. Har-
rison was well known house-breaker The
defence Of the editor is that he wrote
horse breaker, which the plaintiff is by oc-
cupation.
There is nothing that your genuine
psychologist will study with deeper inter
est than the peculiar expression that steals
over the countenance of the man who has
just had his eye punched with the parasol
of the lady into whose face he was endeav-
oring to stare Brooklyn Argus.
The quickest way we know of to make a
man believe that there's nothing in the
world worth living for is to excite him in
to chasing a cat across yard where two
or three clotheslines are inocently sway
ing in the evening breeze.
The ruling passion strong in danger
An alarm of fire was, the other, given in
New York hotel. "Landlord,'' said a
guest, 'sis the house on fire % eyes, sir"
swell, give us one more drink, if you
please, and We'll get"
A little boy, carrying ZONE some eggs
from the grocery. dropped them. SsDid
you break any ?'' asked his mother when
he told her of it. "No," said the little
fellow, "but the shells came off some of
'em.''
A Providence colored man wants a di-
vorce because his wife "won't let him con-
tradict her." and ''jerked chair from un-
der him while he was saying his prayers
Why didn't he go down on his knees !!
Kansas judges are either very generous
or else they have little dignity. One of
them was called sOld Skilet-legs" by a
lawyer, and he only imposed fine of sew
en- shillings for the contempt of court.
Sixteen years ago Tom Kenyon went to
Kansas. City without a cent, and the other
day he signed check for sixteen thou
sand dollars. He signed with another
mans name, however.
A Chicago gentleman who recently tray
eled through Ohio says that everybody he
met called potatoes CATERS" except one
young lady, who called him "small per-
later"
An English judge, Baron Anderson, on
being asked to give his opinion as to the
proper length of asermon, replied, Given
ty minutes, with a leaning to the side of
mercy"
The Chicago ''Tribune" prints poem
in which the writer wishes that she had
"a heart full Of sweet yearlngs." How
the prosecuted author must have yearned
to tumble among that compositor's hair.
Twenty-one freshmen were suspended
from an English college because profess
sor couldn't find out who placed a ten
ounce tack in his chair. He, however,
knew all about who sat down on it.
s'Och !" said a loye-sick Hibernian.
''what a recreation it is to be dying of
love ! 1t sets the heart aching so delicate
ly there's no taking wink of sleep for the
pleasure Of the PAIN
A lively Milwaukee cheer peddler''
married young girl ''unbeknown" to her
mamma. When Miss was missed madame
started after her, dragged her out of bed
and home again.
If the cause of the redness of certain
Chicago deacon's nose were only discover
ed, very important theological question
in that city would be at once disposed of.
You can always tell good churchman
at the theatre, by the way he wrinkles up
his face at the man who sits near him with
a cold in his head.
Valedictory of his honor, the mayor of
Denver, CAL: "Thank God, it's over with!
[ wouldn't take it again for kingdom,
not if 1 knows it. (" SO
How to make slow horse fast-Don't
feed him.