Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1874-02-06

d veil.
The best substitute for coal-Warm
weather.
Why is a retired carpenter like a
lecturer? Because he is an explainer.
The first mention of beef tea in his
tory is said to be when Henry VIII.
dissolved the papal bull.
Letyour motto be Liberty or DEATH"
and if it comes to the pinch take the
most of it in liberty.
Celibacy and Wedlock. If single
life is bad, then it stands to reason
that double life is twice as bad.
Out in Montana, when they start q
man down hill in a barrel, they speak
Of his appearance in a new role.
Avoid any posts upon returning from
the club. Lamp-posts are apt to be-
come social and keep you out late.
A New York professor is lecturing
on the cultivation Of the ear. He
doesn't say when is the best time to
pull it.
The Western girl who is said to have
spelled euchre ''you-cur," was evident
ly thinking of the bow-wow-ers.
A man in Duluth is so mean that
he quarrels with his wife about the
the politics of the paper she expands
her hustle with.
Adam was the first man who received
a land grant. He was also the first
man who was served with writ of e.
lectment.
The ''Arcadian:" Why is it impos-
sible to have the last word with a
chemist: Because he always has re-
tort.
a marriage in buggy lately took
place in Virginia; but the vehicle soon
afterwards overturned, and the bride
became little sulky.
"What is more exhilerating sight,"
asks a Vermont paper, ethan to see
eighteen handsome girls sliding down
hill on an oX-sled:"
Absurd but Common Advice
What is the use Of saving: "Hit one
of your own sighs." 1t is bad enough
to have to heave one, but you can't hit
it.
How to make lady stick out her
little finger. The best way of secur-
ing this effect is to put on the finger
in question a handsome diamond ring.
An embryo poet, who is certainly a
close observer of human nature, re-
marks: 'Time marches on with the
slow, measured tread of man work
ing by the day
At late Conference session clergy
man gave a reason why the Baptist
Church is like beavers hut: '.There
is only one entrance to it, and that is
under water
The following question is respect
fully addressed to the clergy: "Wheth-
er person who sits in the gallery Of
the church is responsible for deeds
done in the body:'
An editor, who speaks with the air
of man who has discovered a new
fact by experience, says that the new
way to prevent bleeding at the nose is
to keep your nose out of other peoples
business.
An Indiana editor mildly remarks:
''1f YOU can't bring lis wood, remember
us IN your prayers. 1t is something
to know, as we sit and shiver, that we
are not forgotten if the stove is cold"
The Rochester ':Chronicle" savs:-
"We never did like bald-headed men;
and when Deacon Smith gets up in
meeting and says that the hairs on his
head are numbered, we submit that he
is trifling with a sacred subject.
"This is very crooked path" said
Jones to Brown, rs they went up the
sides of Montauvut. "Crooked" was
the reply, lit is so confounded zigzag
you can stand with one foot on zig and
the other on gag without any difficult
| ty.
Not far from this city, writes a
Cleveland correspondent, s'lives gen.
tleman who is the father of seven
grown-up daughters. They are rath-
er lively girls. The father is an ad-
mirer of Hawthorne, and he calls his
house the House of the seven Cab
blers.'"
Some jackass says, "Cheer up, cheer
up; it's long lane that has no turn"
Don't we know it? Of course it's a
long lane that has no turn! How
perfectly absurd to expect fellow to
''cheer up" because long lane has no
turn. We decline to cheer up for any
such reason.
AT dinner party not long since, a
gentleman accidentally knocked the
foot of his opposite neighbor, who
made an exclamation of pain. II beg
your pardon" said the first gentleman>
''was that your foot?'' No apology
is necessary replied the other, 'I &C..
knowledge the corn
Mrs. Livermore is now leoturing a.
gainst the evils of tight-lacing. She
is quite right. Ifa girl wants her waist
squeezed she ought to employ some re-.
liable young man for the purpose. Our
experience is, that no young man with
any pretentions to reliability would,
when thus employed, for single mo-
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