The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-08-29

We shouldn't like to take the hazards OF dy-
ing in Lockport. AT all events we shall
never locate in that cemetery unless we are
civcn the privilege of getting up our own
eptaph: the fact Is, we have brilliant money
offers from several new cemeteries That want
to lead Oft with Il popular and universally
respected corpse besides complimentary
ticketto Greenwood which we hate to throw
away and, under the circumstances, 1t would
hardly prove paying investment to be buried
! here, anyway. Aurora wants US. Mount
Auburn is fighting fer US and the stockhold-
ers of Westminster Abby are almost crazy To
make an engagement for one hundred years.
About d week ago, n sensational New York
WeraN correspondent started report that
we had the consumption and would soon be
a bright angel with golden shoe buckles,
| We took no pains to contradict the charge,
because we were rather pleased with the idea
of the shoe buckles; but we now wish that
we had For the past two days, we have been
flooded with letters from Burial Companies,
Cemetery Associations and Cremation Soclc-
ties in every quarter. The following are Sc
lccted at random from the great mass that
gluts our waste buskct:
SIR We have read the papers. Our Gre
nation Company wants 10 start off with a
popular man. Set your own price and come
and pick out your urn We are in urn.cst.
New York. ALFRED JONES, Sec.
DEAR OBJ Boy know all. write to
you with bursting heart. Please allow an
| old schoolmate the sad privilege Of embnlm-
/ ingyOu. | can make a lovely mummy ofyOu.
Lisbon. w. r. HARVEY, NJ. d.
RESPECTED SH:-For melancholy reasons
which | need hot state would like TO make
a bust Of you Immediately. l have busted
some of the most prominent men in the cOun
try. | think | could bust Vanderbilt.
HARRIET G. HOsMER, Sculptures.
DEAR SIR Bristol was plunged into a
deep gloom by the sad news about yourself
May we hope that it is your wish in the event
ofyour decrease. that your ashes may repose
in Elmwood cemetery? Of course the
amusements attendant on the obseQuies Of a
person of your wide reputation cannot fall to
attract throngs of pleasure seekers, and our
merchants are very anxious for you TO come
Your native town certainly mas some claims
upon you Years, in afiliction,
| Bristol. SAMUEL BINKs,
Sec. Elmwood Cemetery Association.
DEAR FRIEND:--ln anticipation of an
event which all must dcplorc, and which
have too much delicacy to name it is my
painful yet pleasant duty to offer you posi-
ton in the new cemetery at Prescott. When
! I came here, a few months ago, we organized
Joint stock cemetery association, brought a
piece Of land, lad ii out attraCtivcly and went
ahead making Improvements: our prospects
were brilliant But rcverScs came: times were
hard; the grasshoppcrs destroyed the crops :;
everybody seemed unwilling 10 die-no one
could afford it, our money gave out and We
were in despair At the meeting Of the stock
holders, last night read them the melancho-
ly intelligence about you: told them was
personally acquainted. with yOu-that was
confident | could induce you to sleep in our
cemetery after your spirit had flown. a thrill
IOi--of-sorrow ran through those stock-hOld-
ers they gave you three rOusing cheers, and
the meeting broke up amid the widest en-
thusiasm--and grief for you. Now please
don't dlsappoint US. | appeal to you as &
friend to help us out. We have already sold
a large number of lots, conditional on your
coming We can't offer you much down-we
are poor-but we will make il as pleasant for
you as we can, and give your stricken rela-
tivcS IA big commission on the subsequent
sale of lots. Come atoncc; peaches are ripe,
and we can have glorious time up TO the
very contamination Of that deplorablc event,
the mere thought of which in practiclng dir
ges and funeral marches with such exquisite
pathos that ! gaze upon the written page
through binding tears. +. c, LANE.
Prescott, Kan.
IIoNORED SIR:-We are bound to make
our burial park attractive, anu have some
thing 10 show to strangers during the Centen-
nial We must have something to draw a
crowd. Noticing by the papers that the sill
yer cord would soon be loosencd and the
golden bowl broken, in your case, have been
authorized to pledge you ten thousand dol
lars down if you will consent to locate here,
If that Is not enough, you shall have more'
We shall do the fair thing in the way Of OBJ
sequies, and give you a splendid tomb stone
with lamb or calf--or some other wild
beast emblematic of your character-sculp
tured over the epitaph. }. SMITH.
Philadelphia.
PS. Your funeral Grafton shall be pro-
:? nounced by Henry Ward
When 1t came to this, we Indignantly stop.
ped reading, tore the insulting letter into
q, 1000 fragments and telegraphcd TO Mr.
Smith that we had few grains Of self re,
spect lest yet-Ecckpe JourHAi.