The state rights democrat. [volume] (Albany, Linn County, Oregon) 1865-1900, 1874-11-27
scrssoRlNes.

A watch word--tick.
Long diyision-divorce.
A nod fellow Morpheus.
Light-headed--A street-lamp.
Fee simple-A fee to quack
Leveling down--going to bed.
Very hard lines-The railways.
A yawl-boat--0ne filed with cry
ing babies.
An act Of great politeness-Polish-
ing stove. - IN
How to tIea: wife--Treat her to
new dress.
A Dubuque, Iowa, man offers to
pray for So a day.
Consistent to the last: Tom Col
Inns has died in cell. ny M
It is better to be flush in the pock-
ct than in the face.
Mrs. King William is'reported to
be terrible mother-in-law.
Albert Edwards can pay his debts
if he wants to. He don't want 10
however,
A San Francisco man committed
suicide because q pictorial sheet char
acterized him as an "old nuisance"
AT last Count Won Aruim'is set at
liberty, and goes to a favorite resort
in Italy for his health. That's Nice.
30 kittensl in our hours of ease,
uncertain toys and full Of feas; when
pain or anguish hang DER men, we
turn you into sausage then.",@
The man who has not anything to-
boast of but his illustrious ancestors
is like a potato plant--the only good
belonging to him is under ground.
There is evidently very brilliant
future before Weston, but the general
opinion is that hs won't begin toireal-
ize it until somebody saws off his
legs. fe
A Georgetown man advertises con-
cerning his runaway wife, that CAS- l
never pay my own debts, it is reason
able to suppose that ! shall not pay
hers"
An Indiana clergyman sued news.
paper for libel and dropped dead with
in week. The Detroit Free Press
says these fellows willloarn something
by and by.
Uncle, how do you do? Which
would you like best, work for wages,
or part of the crop~ "Waal, l 'olar,
l tink bofe de best, if you kin only
brung 'em togedder,"
Loves Language Young bride:
"Was she his own darling duckums?"
eyes abe was ownty donty darling
duckumsn Exit old married man en-
ragged and disgusted.
Old DIR. Todd's sou 10 bringing
Todd's manual down to date-a much
needed work, for there is very little in
that manual of Old Todd's about
modern mixed drinks.
A young blood at ahotel was re-
quested to pass dish near him, "Do
you mistake me for a waiterg" mo,
sir; / mistook you for a gentleman"
was the prompt reply.
The opinion is being strengthened
every day that the man who first
made q shirt TO button behind did
moro tor the world than one who has
discovered five comets. ~ atin
A ferryman was asked by timid
lady whether any persons were ever
lost in the river over which they row.
cd. "Obl no." said he, "We always
find 'em the next day.
Girls, as you value your lives, don't
get up and get breakfast in tho morn
ings. A young lady attempted it one
day last week, andtwas burned TO
death. Show this to your mammas.
"Sir," said ar astonished landlady
to traveller who had sent his cupfor-
ward for the seventh time, "you must
be very fond Of coffee" "YesS mad
am, + am" he replied, "or I.never
shouldthave drank SO much water to
get q little" y tt, tep,r
Is Mike McCloskey in The ranks?"
asked the Commandorin- Chief, as the
army stood in line of battle. "Here,
Gineral," 4" said Mike stepping to the
front. "Then let the engagement
beginin said the General. This is the
way Mike tells the story.
If the times are hard stop your pa
per, but do not shorten yourallowance
for whiskey or tobacco. A good pa
per in the family 10 great comfort to
the wife and childgen, but that is no
reason why you should provide them
with weekly luxury at the expense
Of daily necessity +,
The singular statement appears in
the st. Louis Globe that "Gen. Sheri-
dan won't marry because he doesn't
want to give up the privilege Of going
to, bed with his boots on" The
amount Of useful information lying
around a Western newspaper office
makes circulating Libraries suPerflui-
ty.
Poor young thingl she tainted away
at tho wash Tub, and her pretty nose
went ker slop into the soapsuds.
Some said it was overwork; others,
however, whispered that her beau
had peeped over the back fence and
called out: eHullo, there, Bridget, 10
Miss Alice at homer IN Y. Com
meyoiaL