The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1874-02-06
A Great LabOr.Saving Invention.

"a. w. Peque in the Lacrosse Liberal Democrat
This is an age of invention, and there
is no knowing what day may bring
forth. Prominent educators have for
years racked their brains and consumed
midnight oil, to devise some method
whereby the youthful student, the
urchin with thick -soled pantaloons
could be chastised as the gravity of his
offense might demand, without infict-
ing more severe punishment upon the
lady teachers hand than upon the child
Previous to the invention of this ma
chine, principals of schools have wept
to see their assistants go around with
their arms in sling, from the effects
of furnishing scholars. In many in
stances excellent teachers, who loved
their calling, have been compelled to
resign their positions, and get married,
because they had too much on their
hands. The matter has been discussed
been almost decided to adopt capital
punishment, instead of the time-hon-
ored taking across the knee, when the
inventor of this machine stepped in,
and by the simple device above illus
trated, he saved the lives of many valu-
able young ones. The heart of the in
yentor was touched at seeing q frail
school ma'am, with her right hand
swelled up to the size of a canvas ham,
from agitating boy who had wickedly
placed piece of clapboard inside of
his trouserloons, when he knew that the
teacher was on the war-path after him.
He was a bad boy, and will probably
fetch up in Congress. The teacher was
weeping, and saying she would be cussed
if she didn't run that boy through a
threshing machine before she got
through with him. The idea at once
struck the inventor that a machine
could be constructed that would tan the
jacket, as it were, of the young Modoc,
and you see the result of careful thought
and study, in the machine before you as
spanking machine.
What change Instead of dreading
the task of Furnishing scholars, and
shivering at the prospect of blistered
hands, the teacher can enjoy the per-
Torrance, and look forward to the hour
for doing up the davis spanking, with a
feeling of pleasure and gladness, and
the frown formerly stereotyped on the
face of the average school ma am gives
place to an angelic smile. She seats
herself at the instrument, with a dime
novel in her hand; after placing the con-
demned urchins in row within reach OF
the hoisting apparatus, or ice-tongs, she
smiles, touches the snatch brake with
her foot, and the doomed urchins
launched into-if not into eternity
he will think so before that hand
lets up on him. With q smile
playing over her features she works
her tiny hoof, and the avengine
hand descends, the boy says his "nov
/ lay me-" and the old machine work:
as though endowed with life, liberty
and the pursuit of happiness. Care
should be taken not to work the machin,
too rapid at first, as it may make it ho
for the boy. Or it might telescop,
his spinal meningitis, with fatal results
Any teacher can work it all right aftel
perchance killing few scholars of tn,
cheaper kind. 1t will only take 1
moment of treading to make any ordi
nary boy sorry he enlisted, when he cal
be dropped, and the next can b,
snatched. A whole school can b,
spanked up in fifteen minutes, if tn,
teacher is any kind of treader. w,
make different sized machines, suitabl,
for the primary department, the inter
mediate, the high school, the norma
school, and mechanics are at work con
structing one of huge proportions TO
the Chairman of the Republican Contra
Committee, to be used on unruly mem
bers of that party.
The ease with which this machine cal
be changed from one thing to anothe
will convince the reader that it is almos
human. 1t will remind one of politi
clan every time it changes. To chang
it from a spanking machine to a self
raker, all you have to do is to unscreV
the "hand," remove it, and screw on
fine comb, change ends with the boy
and proceed to search for things tina
live, and move, and have being, an
bite boys heads. This will tend to re
lieve mothers of much searching inves
tigation, as the school-teacher can, b
simply using her foot, keep the head
of all the children free from the festiv
bug that at times makes life a burden
Don't you see?
Every editor in the land will than
us, on his Bonded knees, for this inver
ton, as it solves problem that has dis
turbed the minds of the knights of tn
scissors for many generations, viz.
How to exterminate the exchange fent
the man who steals exchanges when yo
are busy writing. The editor can hay
a machine sitting in his Office In plat
of the hand of Providence, we screw O
cast-iron fist weighing seven hundre
| pounds. If you desire to simply mail
the fend for life, you work the tread
| mildly, and merely mash his eye on
and italicise his nose, and break h
jaw-bone. But if he is an old offende
2 and you want to make an example
I him, you keep treading, and TIE pill
t driver will come down on him like
President on Liberal Postmaster, ar
} break every bone in his body, and fla
. ten him as thin as one of Colfax's Wind
2 cations.
To transform the machine into has
cutter, it is only necessary to UNION
the hand and put in its place an ordin
ry chopping-knife, and set the machil