The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1874-08-01
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
A GOoD TENPLAR.-It is maintained that
Richard III. was Good Templar, because he
stopped King Henry's bier.
Non SO SURE.-A spinster was heard to remark
that she had faith that " God dispOses,' but it
is not so sure that " man proposes"
SMART YoUNGsrER.-" Boy, is that licensed
dOg?" asked Detroit policeman. " No. said
the youngster 50 he's a rat-terrier dog, and I'm
taking him down to have his teeth fled"
CHOICE ErITHETs.-.'G Gilt edged ass, '''' bowling
ignoramus,' and perpendicular IDIOT ore
some Of the choice epithets bestowed by the
Chicago Times upon the leaders Of the new party
out West.
BoLDER.-Prgek indites the following lines
" To Fair Enslayer :"
Lady If be behebi thy hair .r
That man we're holder far than
who'd stand the hazard Of the dye
ABSOR1lAL.-According to the Vienna papers a
tenor singer has recently presented himself to
the physicians of that city, who by means Of some
Abnormal formation of the vocal organs, is able
10 sing two notes at once.
The FRsT.-Collins Graves, who rode so fast
down the Mill River valley to warn the people of
approaching danger, is said to be the first milk
man who ever ran away from water.
NERvous-Kaiser William could sit his horse
under n shower of bullets, but when it came to
having an aching tooth drawn he took chlOroform,
and was as nervous as an old woman.
PrrIED THEN-Here is dialogue between a
clergyman and a traveller: c. have lost my
portmanteau." t" pity your grief"' &.
-'s All my sermons are in It" T. pity
the thief
cOlored Mississippi Legislator lately pro-
IL, s,rk n
lature, present and future, bona fde attorney
and counsellor At law. His reasoning was di-
recsed-'' Fur" said he, " if we know enough to
make de laws, why don't we to practice um?'
Sure enough, why not?
\ gentleman who came several thousand miles
20 view the country with the purpose of purchas-
ing got a large sized red ant on him 4 few days
ago, and, stranger he was, he cavOrted around
and used as appropriate language as if he had
lived here all his life, and moved in the best of
society," san Antonio Herald.
Ii is announced that man who, last season,
had 800 worth of trunks destroyed by the
- baggage smashers'' has had five new ones made
to order, and supplied with compartments con-
staining five pounds each OF nitrO-gl lycerine. He
proposes to travel from Maine to Texas, covering
all the watering places, and will have coroner
along to hold inquests upon the victims.
CoxsIDERATE-This man knew what he was
about He lived IN the country, and IN buying
an axe the other day he particular to select
the smallest one he could find. An acquaintance
asked him why he did SO, and he replied: " Well,
my wife isn't enjoying very good health this
Winter. and IL get heavier one I'm afraid she
won't be able to cut wood"
Iosr ALL HER PRoPERrr.-Wife of his bosom
directly he came home at night } - Charley,
I've lust got letter from mother. You know
she was here only last week (yes. you can see
by the expression Of hIs Ease that he hasn't
forgotten that,J and she has lost all her property
by the failure of the Splurges-and-and now,
Is'pose, Charley, she'll have to come and stay
with all the time
Here's your nice roast chicken cried an
aged cOlOred man the ears stopped at North
Carolina railway station. - Here's your nice
roast chen n taters. all nice and hot" holding
up his plate and walking the platform. " Where
did you get that chicken, uncle?' asked pas
senger Uncle looked at the intruder sharply,
and then turned away, crying " Here's your
nice roast chicken, gentl n, all hot needn't go
in de house for dat Where did YOU get that
chicken p repeated the inquisitive passenger.
.' Look-a-yer," says uncle, speaking privately,
- YOU from the NOrf?'' - Yes" - Il you q
friend Oh de cuIled man ?'' 81 hope am. &"
a. Den don't you nebber ask me where got dat
chick n agin. Here's yer nice roast chick'D, all
hot" The train started
The following is a veritable petition signed by
sixteen maids Of the town Of Charleston, 5. c.,
and presented to his Excellency Gov. johnson, of
that province, in the year 1888
e. The humble petition of all the maids whose
names are underwrItten
Whereas, We, the humble petitioners, are at
present in a very melancholy disposition of mind
considering how all the bachelors are captivated
by widows, and our more youthful charms neg
Iected in consequence Of this request is that
your Excelency will, for the future, order that
no widow presume to marry any young man until
the maids are provided for, or to pay each Of
them fine for satisfaction for invading our Eber-
ties, and likewise a fine to be laid on all such
bachelors shall be married to widows. The
great disadvantage 1t u 10 maids IL, that the
widows by their forward carriages, do snap up
the young men, and TO have the vanity to think
their merits beyond ours, which is great impO-
sition on us, who ought TO have the preference.
This il humbIy recommended to your Excellency s
consideration, and hope you will permit no fur
ther insults. And We poor maids, IN duty bound,
Will ever pray"