The Jasper weekly courier., 1874-12-25
An Impracticable Dead Man.

Over in Wilmington. the other day, a
man named William ID. Shuckers died. IL
seems that there was another man in the
city bearing precisely the same name. and
when the death was announced a good
many of his friends thought he was dead.
and they resolved 10 90 To the funeral. On
the day of the funeral the living Shuckers
also thought he would 90. partly for the
purpose of ascertaining how il felt TO par
ticipate in the obsequies of a man named
VIM. ID. Shuckcrs. He took up posi-
ton in the vestibule. and just as the
mourners were about to come out. a friend
of his. named Jones. saw him. The first
impulse of Jones was To rush through the
kitchen, and climb suddenly over the back
fence: but he controlled himself. and after
poking Shuckers in the ribs with his UNI
brella 10 determine positively that he was
not a ghost. Jones remarked:
why. ShuckcrS. what on earth are
you doing here! Why amt you in your
coffin -
coffin - exclaimed Shuckers. "what
d. YOU mean: What do | want with a
coffin 80
MIR. Shuckers. YOU know YOU are dead
Why, they got up all this gorgeous fune-
raj for you. all these carriages and pail
bearers and things, and the clergyman's
just been paying you splendid compli-
ments that any dead man might be proud
off,
But tell you I'm not dead. I'm as
much alive a you are.
There is no use of arguing the point.
Shuckers; the occasion is too solemn for
controversy. But il you have any CON
sideration for the feelings of your bereav-
ell family who are weeping like mad, up
stairs. and for the undertaken who is wait
ing inside there with the screw-driver. you
will 90 and get into your coffin and be-
have. It's indecent To carry on so at your
own funeral"
"Jones. my boy" said Shuckcrs, "you
have mistaken"
"No. I'm not mistaken. You're dead
technically dead. anyhow. Ii has been an
nounced in all the papers. your relations
have gone into mourning. the Board Of
Trade has passed resolutions of regret.
the sepulcher has been dug. up there in
the cemetery, and the undertaken has gone
to considerable expense to inter you com
fcrtably. Now, go and lie down, won't
you !r
Hang the undertaken" said Shuckers.
"No, Ill not go and lie down. Ill see
you in kans IS first
"Now. see here, Shuckers: came here
TO attend your funeral. aud I'm not going
t. be bafiled by any unseemly conduct on
the part of the corpse. Oh, you needn't
leok mad at me either you get back into
that coffin SOS the lid can be screwed on.
and the procession can move off. or III
put you in there by force. II inanimate
remains like you can go scooting 'rounC
In this iHcendiary manner. we'll soon have
the cemeteries unloading aud the unnum-
bered dead crowding out and wanting to
Vote
Then Jones called the undertaken. who
knocked ,huchers down with cane and
held him until he explained, and until the
scared undertaken recovered his equanim.
ity which left him AT the bare suggestion
that the corpse was loose. TLen the
funeral moved on TO the cemetery and
Jones went home, while Shnckers pro-
ceeded TO hi alderman's Office TO swear out
warrant against the undertaken for as
sault and battery. He intends TO change
his name to Duykinck. Ne,os.