Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1874-12-02
JOSH BILLINGS.
What He Thinks of Hotels.

What He Thinks of Hotels.
Hotels are houses Ov refuge-homes
for the vagrants-the married mans re-
treat and the bachelors fireside
They are kept in all sorts ov ways
some on the European plan and many
ov them on no plan at all.
A good landlord is like good step
mother-he knows hiz Dizziness, ano
means to do his duty. sf 4
He knows how to rub hiz hand with
Joy when the traveller draws nigh: he
knows how to smile; he knew your
wife's father when he waz living, and
your wife's first husband, but he don't
speak about him. go. F3 234
He kan tell whether it will rain to-
morrow or not; he hears your com
plants with a tear la his eye; he blows
up the servants at yuue suggestion, and
stands around ready, with shirt collar
az stiff az broken china.
A man may be a good supreme court
Judge, and at the same time miserable
landlord. r.-f I'D -uis#I #-t3l
Most everybody thinks they can keep
a hotel-and they kan; but this ackounts
for the great number ov hotels that are
kept on the same principle that JUS
tice ov the peace offs is kept in the
country during six days jury trial for
killing somebody's yellow dorg.
A hotel won't keep itself, land keep the
lanlord too, and ever kure a traveller
from the habit ov profane swearing.
[ have had this experiment tried on
me several times, and it alwus makes
the swares wus. a
It liz too often the kase that landlords
go into the bizzness ov hash as minis
tiers go into the professhun-with the
very best ov motives, but the poorest
kind ov prospects.
[ don't know ov emmy tizzness more
fattersum than the tavern bizzness.
There don't seem tew be ennything tew
do but tew stand in front ov the regis
ter with pen behind tie ear, and see
that the guests enter themselfs az soon
az they enter the house; then yank a
bell rope six or seven time; then tell
John tew sho the gentleman tew 976:
and then take four dollars and fifty
cents next morning from the poor devil
ov traveller, and let him went.
This seems tew be the whole thing
and it IL the whole thing in most cases.
You will diskover the following de-
skription a mild one ov about hotels
Pacifck Oshuns, akrost the United
States in a straight line:
Yure room IL Is foot inches, by 8
foot 7 inches, paralielogramly.
It being court week Gas usuaD all the
good rooms are employed by the law.
yers and judges.
Yure room IL on the uppermost floor,
The carpet IL ingrain-ingrained with
the dust, kerosene lie and ink spots or
four generashuns.
There IL two pegs in the room tev
hitch coats onto, one ov them broke
oph, and the other pulled out, and
missing.
The buro haz three legs and one
brick.
The glass tew the buro swings on two
pivots, which hav lost their grip.
There IL one towel on the rack, thi1
but wet.
The rainwater in the pitcher cum out
ov the well. III.
The soap IL as tuff tew wear as whet
stone. ~
The soap il scented with cinnamon
lie, and variegated with spots.
Thare liz three chairs, kane settlers
one liz a rocker, and all three ART
busted. aH tee it4
Thare IL match box, empty. 81
Thare IL no kurtin tew the windo
aud thare don't want to be emmy; VI
kant see out, and who kan see in
The bell-rope IL cum oph about
inches this side ov the ceiling. e
The bed liz modern slat-bottom, will
two mattresses, one cotton and one
husk, and both harder and about al
thick as a sea-biskit.
Yu enter the bed sideways, and ka1
feel every slat at once, as eazy az y,
Gu could the ribs ov gridiron.
The bed IL inhabited.
Yu sleep sum, but role over q goot
deal
For breakfast yu hav a gong, and rh,
koffee too kold to melt butter, fride 20
tatoze which resemble the chips tew
inch anger makes in its journey thru a.
oak log.
Bread solid; beefsteak about az thil
az a blister plaster, and az tuff as
hounds ears.--
Table covered with plates, a fey
scared-to-deatn pickles in one oy then
and 6 fiy-indorsed crackers in an
other.
A pewterinktom castor with three bot
ties In it, one without emmy mustard
d one with two inches of drowned
es and VINEGAR in it.