The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1874-06-26

But alas ! q slight consciousness was the
only response from Mrs. Swallow.
Now this was ticklish point with Solo
mon, but he was prepared for it. "What
says my system on this head ?" said he to
himself musingly. at says that lazy
wife who lies abed in the morning may be
very properly reminded of her duty by the
Judicious application of a coercion PIN
And this magnificent idea had scarcely
crossed the threshold of his brain pan, than
he inserted the point of huge pin in the
right arm of the sleeper. AS might be ex-
pected the intended effect instantly follow
ed the cause, for the astonished Mrs. Swal-
law sprang from the bed as though she had
been thrown from it by an earthquake !
But alas, her agility was too strikingly
manifested, for she not only almost annihi-
lated poor Solomon in rolling over him,
but she dashed his patent lever to the wall,
and broke the dial into thousand pieces.
"What dreadful dream" calculated
Mrs. Swallow pressing her left hand on her
wounded arm.
Swallow, contemplating the fragile ruins
of his demolished time piece.
Here we pass over the interval between
this occurrence and the time when the
happy pair in question were seated at
breakfast.
"Now, Mrs. Swallow" said Solomon,
"seeing that l can't awaken to call you up
in the morning, or eat burned toast, or
drink raw tea, ETC., it is time should be-
gin to instruct you in your duties"
Sand what are those, Mr.. Swallow?
"Be silent madam, if you please; not to
talk, but listen, is one of the most impor-
tant of them"
proceed, SIR"
And Mr.. Swallow, looking daggers at
her for second interruption proceeded:
"From six till eight, you are to get up,
dress quietly, so as to create no disturbance,
light fire, air clothing and stockings, sweep
rooms, prepare breakfast, and announce
the perfection thereof. Eight till ten, wash
tea things, make beds, rub furniture and
clean windows. Ten to twelve, go to the
market and prepare dinner. Twelve till
two to devote to dish washing, sweeping
up and rubbing the furniture. Two to six
spinning, mending clothes and darning
stockings. Seven tea. From that time
till nine, second course of mending and
darning, and then go to bed. And this
daily course, madam, with strict observ-
ance of the rules ofcivility, frugality, deco
rum and obedience, may, in time, enable
you to do honor to the choice of Mr.. Solo
mon Swallow"
Mrs. Swallow listened quietly to the end
and then mildly inquired,
"And do you really expect this of me,
Mr. Swallow 2"
ITO be sure I do" responded her
spouse.
"Then you'll be sadly disappointed, for
I do no such thing"
"No?"
"No."
"I've way to make you"
GLOW 2"
"Spoon diet, locks, chains and cow
hide"
"Mr. Swallow"
"What."
you're a brute !" and Mrs. Swallow
threw herself back and looked desperate.
| Now this was climax. Mr.. Swallow
was called brute at his own fireside, and
by his own wife, which was the worst of
all. He, Solomon Swallow, the celebrated
| founder of a system of matrimonial obser-
walton, called brute, and by no less a
person than Mrs. Swallow. At first he was
of rebellion of his royal will, that he only
loked aghast; but when he came to him
self, he saw that something must be done
at once or the field was lost forever.
"You called me brute, Mrs. Swal-
low"
81 did, Mr.. Swallow"
ga brute Z"
"a brute!"
"I'll go mad and break things Mrs.
Swallow"
GAS you like sir"
And Mr.. Swallow did 60 mad, but he
had a method in his madness, for he seized
the cheapest article of delf that was on the
table Gan old plate with crack in it, and
dashed it into thousand pieces on the
hearth, as if he was in tremendous pas
sion.
GLOW do you like that, Mrs. Swal-
low?"
"Vastly, Mr.. Swallow, try it again"
And again he did try, for he had be,
come desperate, and demolished the cream
Jug.
"Now," said the lady, sit is my turn y
and jumping up she sent the slop bowl to
keep company with its tea bowl compan
ions.
This was of course too much for Solo
mon; it snapped asunder the last remain.
ing cord of the little reason he had left
and he slapped his helpmate-we use the
word in its most positive sense-on hel
right cheek; but scarcely had the echo O.
the blow melted into silence, ere the indig
nant dame seized the tea pot and shiverct
it into atoms against the head of the de
voted Mr.. Swallow. Nor was this all, fo
as he was rolling heels over head from thu
effect of the awful collision, she piled til,
remainder of the tea traps until there wa
scarcely bone in his body which had no
echoed to the shock of cups and saucers
and rounds of butter and toast.
Unable to carry on the war any longe
that day Solomon gathered himself up u
we'll as he could, and vowing vengeanc
he stuck his pipe in his mouth, his hand
in his pockets, and then commenced whist
ling a Jig to the tune the old cow died o.
looking as though he could bite piece Of
the griddle, without setting his teeth o.
edge. His good lady, too, determined t
follow the example of her lord and master
in another matter besides the deli breakin
placed another chair back to back wit
, Solomon's, and after providing herself wit
: a novel, as if there was no such things j
B. the world as beds to make or stockings t
mend, in all Christendom.
t Here this aflectionate couple sat for 81