The herald and mail. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1873-188?, 1874-11-06
JOSH BILLINGS.
What He Knows About Hotels and Ho-
tel Keepers.

~ tie IAhOWS a bout Ii DIeIS ana HOs
| tel Keepers.
Hotels are houses ov refuge, homes
for the vagrants, the married mans re-
treat, and the bachelors fireside.
They are kept in all sorts ov ways
some on the European plan, and menny
ov them on no plan at all.
A good landlord IL like a good step
mOther-he knows his bizzeness, and
means to do his duty.
He knows how to rub his hands with
Joy when the traveller draws nigh; he
knows how to smile /; he knew yure
wife's father when he waz living, and
vure wife's fust husband, but he don't
speak about him.
He kan tell whether it will rain to-
morrow or not he hears yure kom-
plants with tear in his eye; he blows
up the servants at yure suggestion, and
stands around reddy, with a shirt-collar
az stiff az broken china.
A man may be good supream court
Judge, aud at the same time be O miser
able landlord.
Most everybody thinks they kan keep
hotel-and they kan; but this ackounts
for the CRATE number of hotels that are
kept on the same principle that justiss
ov the peace offiss IL kept in the coun-
try during six days jury trial for kill
ing so nebody's yello dorg.
A hotel won't keep itself, and keep
the landlord too, and ever kure a trav-
eIer from the habit Ov profane swearing.
hav had this experiment tried on me
several times, and it alwus makes the
swares wuss.
1t IL too often the kase that landlords
snfn Ho I,
ters go into the professhun-witAth the
very best of mot YES, but the poorest
kind ov prospecks.
l dOn'G know Ov emmy bizzness more
fattersum than the tavern bizzness.
There don't seem tew be ennything tew
do but tew stand in front ov the register
the guests enter themselfs az soon az
they enter the house then Yank bell
rope six or seven times; and then tell
John tew sho the gentleman tew 976;
and then take four dollars and fifty
cents next morning from the poor devil
ov a traveller and let him went.
This seems tew be the whole thing
and it is the whole thing in most cases.
Ya will dishover the following des-
kripshun a mild one ov 9 hotels out ov
10 between the Atlantik and Pacif1ck
Oshuns, ARREST the United States in
straight line:
Yure room IL 13 foot inches, by
foot inches, paralielOgramly.
1t being court week (az usuaD, all the
good rooms are employed bi the law
yers and judges.
Yure room il on the uppermost floor.
The carpet IL ingrain-ingrained with
thn ArTu% II ID nj L ~
four generashuns.
Thare is two pegs in the room tew
hitch coats onto, one Ov them broke
oph, and the other pulled out, and
missing.
The buro haz three legs and one brick.
The glass tew the buro ewings on two
pivots, which hav lost their grip.
Thale is one towel on the rack. thin,
but wet. The rain-water in the pitcher
cum out of the well.
The soap IL az tuff tew wear az a
milestone.
The soap IL scented with cinnamon
lie, and variagated with spots.
Thare IL three chairs, kane settlers /; |
ore IL q rocker, and all three are busted. |
Thare is q matchbox, empty.
Thare IL no kurtin tew the wiudo, and i
y
see out, and who kan see in?
The bell rope IL cum oph about
inches this side ov the ceiling.
The bed IL a modern slat-bottom,
with two mattresses, one cotton and one
husk, and both harder and about az
thick az a sea-biscuit.
Yu enter the bed sideways, and kan
feel every slat at once az eazy az yu
could the ribs of a grid-iron.
The bed il inhabited.
Yu sleep some, but roll over a good
deal.
For breakfast yu hav gong and rhy
koffee tew kold tew melt butter, fried
potatoze which resemble the chips
two-inch anger makes in it's journey
thru an oak log.
Bread solid; beef stalk about az
thick az blister-plaster, and az tuff az
a hounds ear.
Table covered with plates, a few
scared-to-death pickles on one ov them,
and 6 fiy-endOrsed crackers on another.
A peWterinktom castor with three
bottles in it, one without emmy mustard,
and one with two inches o7 drowned
flies and vinegar in it.
Servant gal, with hoops on, hangs
round you earnestly, and wants tew
know if yu will take another cup of
keffee.
Yu say, "No, nom, thank yu," and
push back yure chair.
Yu havn't eat enuff tew pay for pick
ing yure teeth.
am about az self-konsaited as it will
do for a man tew be and not crack open, !
but never yet konsaited that I could
keep a hotel. had rather be a high |
wayman than tew be sum landlords l
have visited with.
Thare are hotels that are a Joy upon
earth WHARF a man pays hiz bill az
as he did the parson who |
married him WHARF you kant find the |
landlord unless yu hunt in the kitchen ;
WHARF servants glide around like angels |
Oy mercy WHARF the beds fit a mans |
back like the feathers on q goose; and |
WHARF the vittles taste just az tho yure |
wife or yure mother had fried 'em.
Theze kind ov hotels ought to be |
built on wheels, and travel around the |
kuntry. They are az phull of real
comfort az a thanksgiving pudding |
but, alas they are as unplenty as
eggs.