The Tiffin tribune. (Tiffin, Ohio) 1868-1887, 1874-07-23
The Excursion by Comet.


Mark Twain claims to have leased
the comet for the grand excursion to
the remotest stars, and thus sets forth
the attractions of the trip:
fIrst-class fare from the earth to
Uranus, including visits to the sun
and moon and all the principal plan
cts on the route, will be charged at
the low rate of 3 for every $4,000, 900
niles OF actual travel. A great reduc-
ton will be made where parties wish
to make the round trip. This comet
is new and in thorough repair, and is
now on her first voyage. She is con.
fessedly the fastest on the line. She
makes 4, ,OOO, 600 miles a day with her
present facilities; but with a picked
American crew and good weather, we
are confident we can get 40, ,000, 600 out
OF her. Still, we shall never push her
to dangerous speed, and we shall
rlgloly prohibit racing with other
comets. Passengers desiring 20 di-
verge at any point or return will be
transferred to other comets. We make
close connections at all principal
points with all reliable lines. Safety
can be depended upon. 1t is not to be
denied that the heavens are infested
with old ramshackle comets that have
not been inspected or Overhauled in
lO,OOO years, and which ought long
ago to have been destroyed or turned
into hail barges, but with these we
have no connection whatever. Steer
age passengers not allowed abaft the
main hatch.
Complimentary round-trip tickets
have been rendered General Butler,
Mr.. Shepherd, Mr.. Richardson and
other eminent gentlemen whose pub
lie services have entitled them to the
rest and relaxation of q voyage of this
kind. Parties desiring to make the
round trip will have extra accornmo-
dation. The entire voyage will be
completed and the passengers landed
in New York again in December IA,
1891. This is at least forty years
quicker than any other comet can do
it in. Nearly all the back-pay MEM
bers contemplate making the round
trip with US in case their constitu-
ents will allow them a holiday. Eve
~ harmless amusement will be al
lowed on board, bat no pools permit
ted on the run of the comet-no gam
bling of any kind. All fixed stars
will be respected by US, but such stars
as seem to need fixing, we shall fix.
If it makes trouble, We shall be sorry,
but firm.
Mr.. Coggia having leased his comet
to Us, she will no longer be called by
his name but by my partners.
n. B.-Passengers, by paying full
fare, viii be entitled to a share in all
the new stars, suns, moons, comets,
meteors and magazines of thunder
and lightning We shall discover.
Patent medicine people will take no.
tice that we carry bulletin boards and
a paint brush along for use in the con-
stellations, and are open to terms.
Cremationists are reminded that we
are going straight to-some hot place
and are open to terms. To other
parties our enterprise Is pleasure ex-
cursion, but individually we mean
business. We shall fly our comet for
all it is worth. For further particu-
lars, or for freight or passage, apply
on board or to my partner, but not to
me, since do not take charge of the
comet until she is under way. 1t is
necessary, at time like this, that my
mind should not be burdened with
small business details.
MARK TWAIN.