The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1874-11-12
Josh Billings on Hotels.

Josh Billings Oh Hotels.
Hotels are houses ov refuge homes for the
vagrants, the married mans retreat, and the
bachelors freside.
They are kept in all sorts ov ways; sum on
the European plan, and many on 10 plan at
all.
A good landlord il like good step-mother-
he knows his Dizziness and means 10 Go his
duty.
He knows how to rub his hands with Joy
when the traveller draws nigh; he knows how
to smile; he kneu yure wife's father when he
wuz living, and yure wife's fust husband, but
he don't speak about him.
He kan tell whether it will rain tomorrow
or knot; he hears yure complaints with tear
in hiz eye; he blows up the survants at yure
suggestion, and stands around ready, with
shirt collar as stiff az broken china.
A man may be a good Supream Kourt
Judge, and at the same time he Is miserable
landlord.
Most everybody thinks they can keep hotel
and they kan; but this accounts for the
great number ov hotels that are kept on the
same principel that justiss ov the peace oftiss
IL Kept in the kuntry during a six-days' jury
trial fur killing someboddies big old yaller
dorg.
A hotel won't keep itself and keep the land
lord, too, and kure q traveller from the habbit
of profane swaring.
/ have had this experiment tried on me sew
eral times, and it invariably makes me sware
wuss.
It is too often the kase that landlords 60 into
the Dizziness of hash az ministers 60 into the
profession-with the very best motives, but
poorest kind ov prospecks.
I don't know Of emmy Dizziness more fatter-
some then the tavern business. There don't
seem tew be ennything tew do but tew stand
in front ov the register with pen behind the
ear, and see that the guests enter themselves
az soon as they enter the house; then yank
bell rope six or seven times and then tell
John tew sho the gentleman to 976; and then
take four dollars and fifty cents next morning
from the poor DEVIL of traveller, and let him
went.
This seems to be the hole thing it is the
hold thing in most kases.
Yu will diskuver the following desknpshun
a mild one ov about hotels out ov 10 between
the Atlantik and Pasifc oshuns akrost the
United States in straight line:
Yure room is 13 foot inches by 9 foot 7
inches parallelogramly.
1t being court-week las usuaD all the good
rooms are employed bi the lawyers and judges.
Yure room is on the uttermost floor.
The carpet is ingrain-ingraned with the
dust, kerosene lie and ink spots ov four gene
rashuns.
Thare is too pegs in the room to hitch koats
onto, one ov them broke oph, and the other
pulled out, and missing.
The buro haz three legs and one brick.
The glass to the buro swings on two pivits,
which have lost their grip.
Thare il one towel on the rack, thin, but
wet.
The rain-water in the pitcher cum out ov the
we'll.
The soap is as tough tew wear az whet-
stone.
The soap is scented with cinnurmun lie, and
varigated with spots.
Thare is three chairs, kane seeted, one IL
rocker, and all three are busted.
Thare is matchbox, empty.
Thare is no kurtin to the window, and thare
don't want to be any yu kant see out, and
who kan see in?
The bell.rope IL cum oph about inches
this side of the ceiling
The bed is a modern slat-bottom, with two
mattresses, one cotton and one husk, and both
harder and about as thick as seebisskitt.
Yu enter the bed sideways, and kan feel
grid-iron.
The bed is Inhabited.
You sleep some little, but rowl over good
deal.
For breakfast yu hav gong and rye koffee
two cold to melt butter, fried potatoes which
resemble the chips a two-inch auger makes IN
its journey thro an oak log.
Bread solid beefsteak about az thik az q
blister plaster, aud az tuff az an old hounds
year.
Table covered with plates, few scared-to-
death pickles on one ov them, and fly in
dorsed kracers on another.
A pewterinktom caster with three bottles in
it, one without emmy mustard and one with two
inches of drowned flies and vinegar in it.
Servent girl with hoops on, hangs round you
earnestly, and wants two know if yu will take
another cup of coffee.
Yu say, "No, NON, thank yu," and push
back yure chair.
Yu haven't eat enuff to pay for picking yure
teeth.
I am about as self.konsaited as it will do fur
man two be and not crack open but l never
yet konsaited that could keep hotel. had
rather be hjwayman than to be sum landlords
have visited with.
There are hotels that are JOY upon earth
WHARF man pays hiz bill az cheerfully as he
did the parson who married him; WHARF you
kant find the landlord unless you hunt in the
kitchen WHARF servents glide around like an
gels ov mercy; where the beds fit mans back
like the feathers on a gooze and where the
vittles taste just az tho your wife Or yure moth
er had fried 'em.
These kind ov hotels ought to be built on
wheels, and travl around the country. They
are az phull of cumfert as thanksgiving pud-
ding; but alass yes, alass they are as un-
plenty as dubble-yoked eggs.
According to an English journal, the diff
ficulty of removing hard putty from window