davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11
Wanied-m kNWcb somebody.

INVENT into Philadelphia bookstore the
other day for the purpose of procuring copy
Of Christopher North's wcll-known Nocte'
.imbrosttHU. The first person encountered
was rcdhaired clerk to whom | said:
Have you N0ctes AmbrOsian0 p
Wh-wh-w h-what dyou say?' he asked, with
mouth and eyes wide open.
4 called to ascertain if you have Noctes
AmbrOSida9s'
i don't cXactly-that is, don't unter-
knocked his-what O. you sayF
I say that understood that YOU had NorteS
.imJrosianG. If you havr't why don't you
say so at OnCeH
i don't know villa, you mean never did
such thing IN my life =,
Perhaps you don't understand me, Wish
10 see If you have N0cttS .AR}roStdat. Chris
topher North's NOctcs Imb,vStdllu.'
'Oh, he has, has hes Res knocked his
what you call it, has he: You've.come to the
wrong shop. You must be crazy. Your
mind seems TO &c unhinged; you havn't-
breaking OF Suddenly and addressing
clerk in tiFc rear of the s'ore) Say Bill
heres = Fellow that's toolin around here
wattisa'. to knock somebody. Get police
man quick.
Then lett and hunted up another cmpo
rum of learning.-Ndr.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11
BUDGET OF FUN.
Trying to "sell' "a Washoe Corone


The Virginia Enterprise Of the 7th, tells
the following: Yesterday afternoon an eX
cited inpividual, with his hat standing on two
hairs and his eyes projecting from his head
like the horns OF a snail, rushed into the Office
Of Coroner Holmes. The coroner is by pro
fession Il dentist, and his first thought, as he
glanced as the man, was that he was well.
nigh distracted with too;h-ache. lie was
soon undeceived, however rs the lrenzied in
dividual cried out, rs soon as he could catch
his breath after running up the stairs. Been
man murdcred'
'Aman murdered = cried the coroner; how
where's?
In garding, believe; with club or a
rock
How long agoy cried the coroner, Selling
his hat and cane.
Been done a good while, and no police
nor corstables has never done nothin about
it. Never been no coroner set on the body,
nor nothin' of the kind; no verdick--'
What's the dead mans name? Who WAS
he" cried the coroner.
His name was Abel
Abel! Abel who?'
Don't know Never heard pothin but his
first name
Well, what is the name Of The man whe
killed him? Do they know? Any one sus'
pected?
Well, I've heard that fellow named Cain
put out his light. Cain was the brother Of
Abel, and
Coroner smells nice, and. tlourishing his
cane, cries: You git down them stars, my
fine fellow Git and don't show yourself
here again. With loud gutfaw the fellow
went down the stairs three steps at time, the
doctor calling out after him: How dareyou
trife with an officer in this way, sir"
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

4 LOVE SToRY--Phelrest Of the phalr,
sighed the lover, rianty my pheelings when
phorcscc the phccrfGl consequences of our
phlecing phrUm your phather's phamily
Phew phcliows could have placed the music
with SO much phorttude as | have; and as
pickle phortune phales TO smile upon our
love, phind myself phorced to phOrego the
pleasure of becoming your husband. Pharc
phrances, phare well phor ever Hold, Frank
lin, hold screamed Phrances. i will phol
low you, and loving Phrances PLANTED.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

The MORMON GIRLs.-The following is
from Capt. Codman's recent work on the
Mormons 1t is the story Of Il Utah teamster,
and shows that the Mormon girls have some
Ipecularities of taste on the marriage cues
| ton:
| 4 never tried to get married but once he
said, and that was to a Mormon gal up here
to Logan. She was jest about the slickest
little critter ever you see. Fust time | come
acrost her was where her folks and l camped
one night right about here | followed on
her trail pretty close for six months, and
thought was going to trap her sure. She
wanted me to be a Mormon. | wasn't pcrtick-
Ter about that, for didn't like TO jinc any
church. never did belong to a church nor
an engine company in The States. However,
told her finally as she crowded me, that Id
swallcr Brigham, tabernacle and all, for the
love of her, SO we got things about fixed,
and if she hadn't gone too fur l must have
been bishop by this time, But she had an
old maid sister, and she wanted ME to marry
that Susan Jane, too--that burned, dried up,
old Susan Jane! Emmy says |, L can't
and WON'T SO sot my foot down, and
there's where we split. You see the old man
was kind of sickly, and jest as sure as I'd
agreed to take Susan Jane, when he died l
would have had to marry the old woman, too.
| hain't hunted after wife sence'
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

A lady IN the country was unvtee enough
to fit out her boy OF five with fishing tackle
Soon she heard shout from the barn yard
and found one 0! her very best hens had
swallowed the hook, and was fast winding az
the line in her crop. Ofcourse she Nvat
greatly troubled, but all the comfort 81,
got from the young fisEeTTthn Yves this
Don't worry, mother. I.Ftess sheHl s,uT
when she gets to the pole
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

Ore of the assessors has discovered new
plan for estimating the value OF mans
earthly possessions. 1t is this: rich man
keeps no dog, a man with moderate means
one, poor man two, and that an utterly
worthless and impecunious cuss generally
has from three to eight, a portion of which
to make the matter worse-arc 'yaller' in
color and of the feminine gender.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

Here is what happened 10 a lady in San
Francisco, as describe by pare! o: that
CITY.
She kicked with bo.h feet IS nigh as a bal
let star gave the peculiar sh.Iil feminine
scream, sat down and said, Oh, my smooth
ed down her disorlcred attire, looked around
wildly, rose quickly, shook herself 10 see il
anything was loose, gave q whitening glance
at the place where she kad fallen, and, will
all the spare Blood she had in her face, wen
on with her Stopping
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

\ sentimental young man IN speaking to
his fathers coachman of Il rishbofing fam
lily remarked that they were happy until sOr.
row came and left her traces there The
coachman looked but finally responded: In
deed sir, and what did she 60 with the rest
of the harness.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

HvMORs OF THE BENCH--A South Carroll
ia paper says Judge Mackey passed the fol
loving sentence on Alexander WoOdley, con.
victcd of burglary; You have been found
guilty of an otfensc for which you might &c
sent TO the penitentiary for thirty years. The
Court will sentence yOu however, &c only one
year. If you are convicted again, you will
be sentenced 20 twenty years; il 4 third time
thirty years. If youlare convicted fourth
time, you will then have become eligible to
a seat in the LEGISLATURE
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

\ youth will call George was engage 10
be married. but was financially unable TO call
in the minister His aff:anced wanted the
affair brought TO finale, but George kept
putting her of with promises, saying he
was not able to marry, ete etc. tnaliy she
said, Deah Guace, / an. willing to marry
YOU if we have 10 i've on bread and water
We'll, WELL cried George, you furnish the
bread, and I'll try an skIrIEish around and
hunt up enough water fgd.nsar s.N Herald
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

An alleged luna,ic Was consigned 10 an
asylum by his wife and friends. y gentle
man said to a lady who doubted the victims
insanity What do you think, madam, OF
lying on his back in the barnyard and per
hitting hens TO feed off his body" Why
nothing more responded the lady, than that
Ike many other married men, he vas hen,
nrcxp1
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

4 tract distributor, in his visitation Of fam
lilies in populous district, came upon an
Irishman who appeared to be devoutly
reading Il Bible, which he was holding up
side down. On being asked wlrat he was
doing, he answered, Och, thin, Pm Just read.
in the history ov Wallace an Rrtce an thin
patrarChs.'
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

Little grl-'Namma, don; think the
people who make dolls are very piOus PEG
Pile Mamma-'Why not, my child" Little
girl-'Because you can never make them
kneel. / always have to lay my doll down
on her stomach to say her prayers
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

How TO FINANCIER.-A good story is told
of John Is. Corning e gentleman well known
in railway circles, who has lately returned
from Louisville, Ky 1t seems that the first
week in Louisville John stopped at the Wi.
lard House. and was charged $40 per week.
He told Mr.. Willard, however, that as he
should be away u good deal and have TO pay
for meals taken outside he woold like to ar.
range for Il deduction IN such cases 1t was
finally agreed that Corning should be allowed
seventy-fve cents for each meal taken away
from the hotel. At the end of week Corn.
ing appeared with his carpet-bag, and wanted
to settle. His bill was made out at $40. But,
quoth the child-like Corning, 4 have had
some meals out All right said Mr.. Viii.
lard, how many? Let me see mused Corn.
ing; Monday, two, Tuesday, two, Wednesday,
two Thursday, two, Friday, two, Saturday,
two, Sunday, two THIS is Monday; have
been here seven days, and had fourteen meals
out, which at seventy-five cents each, makes
$1,000. But never mind the fifty cents Will
lard Call it square.
The astonished hotel man proceeded to give
Corning the grand bounce'-intO the saloon
where the joke WAS fully discussed, and the
bill amicably adjusted.-CAicdg0 Pass ami
NdU
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

4 girl, heari1C her mistress ask her ECs-
baud to bring 'DoE.bcy and SON. with him
when he came home 20 dinner, set two plates
extra - the expected crests
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

An enterprising superintendent Of one of
our city Sunday schools was engaged last
Sunday in catechzing the scholars, varying
the Usual method by beginning al the end of
the Catechism. After asking what were the
Confirmation, and receiving very satisfactory
replies, he asked, And now, boys, tell me
what must prccedc BaptismE Whereupon a
lively urchin shouted out, a baby, sir Fact ;
followed by sensation and laughter.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

The sands of a womans life rim out all the
quicker when her waist i, shaped like All
hour-glass.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

There is one good thing about those white
gauze walls: a woman WHO powders looms as
respectable behind them 2s a woman who
doesn't.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

administrations am ashamed OF
you. When was your age. Could read as
well as do nov Johnuy-'Aw, but you'd
a different ,ezui.- r e. what we've got
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

Bill, let's stay Up to light an see the comet
Durn,the comet. It's nc account Ny uncl
used to own three or four OF EN-. I'm goin!
10 bed
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

Bill Whaley, who recently died in Fay
cite county, Pa, Poorhouse, formerly drove
a stage-coach between UIiontown and Nor
ganlown, in that State. He wouldn't own a
horse that had more than enough skin to coy
er his bones, and through which the moral
law could not be read. His animals were
queer geome;rical puzzes-combinatlons of
angles, right, obtuse, and acute. One day he
came driving into Uniontown at full speed,
and just as he came up in front the hotel, one
Of his horses dropped dead That was a
very sudden death remarked by-stander
SUDDEN replied Capt. Bill. That horse
died in Smithland, nine miles from here; but
! never let him down until got TO town
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

A very good story is circulating in Wash.
1t seems that the Senator was out for walk,
Sunday evening. In passing a leading col.
ored church, he was SO pleased with the sing,
ing that he went in. He had been seated but
a few minutes when colored dignltary APP.
preached him and said in substance that the
church was for colored people and they pre-
ferred to be left undisturbed by white people
during their services. Mr.. Morrill, retired
A few days before lie had been earnestly
working for the passage Of the Civil Rights
bill.
The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-07-11

While we guarantee as Good Work as
any city jobpers, ws.ckE.ienge a compar-
son Of Prices with iery other':rstahllsh'
iuts ne
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-10-23
EAGLE CREEK.

VIM. Shockley and wife have gone
to visit friends in Iowa.
WIN. photograph has $50 tons of
hay which he intends TO feed To stuck
this winter. He is a careful hand " it'll
cattle. He wintcred i25 head of steers
for VIM. Martindaie last winter, only
loosing one accidentally killed.
Isaac Smith has sown acres of
wheat; Robt. Mahaffey II.
j. n. Mckee aad Charley have
gone to Nebraska on short visit; will
be back in three weeks.
Those boys who tried 60 "shiverls"
F. Harden stood long ways OF,
for which he returns his thanks.
MIR. Calvan D. Hand took three first
premiums at our county fair this fall.
lst. premium on draft stallion, $1,000;
1st. premium on best brood mare, $40;
LIST. premium on best draft colt, $500.
MIR. Hand has sown Is acres of
wheat and rye.
Fred Dumbauld, has added small
barn and stock yard to his improve
ments, has some very fine Berkshire
pigs. He burns coal which crops out
in several places 0 inches in thickness
and of good quality.
Levi Dumbauid took two first pre-
miums; on his line short horn bull
King of the Prairie, caIved Nov. 2Oth'
1872. One LIST premium-best bull ov-
er one and under two years old; End,
Sweepsteaks-best bull of any age or
breed. The weight of this calf is 1875.
lib. Pretty good. This speaks we'll for
the torethOught and enter prise of our
farmers here.
Hiram Williams raised Is acres
tall wheat that averaged 20 bu. per
acre, has sown this year IA acres.
M. G. Smith, has sown Is acres of
fall wheat and &C res of rye which
cover the ground they were sown right
among the dust and grasshoppers.
We predict Smith will raise a No.
crop; he has thrifty young orchard
of 60 bearing apple trees 8 years old.
From two trees of Little Romantics he
got and 90 bu., respectively. Smith
has $50 acres of land with 100 acres
under fence. When he came here six
years ago he had 20 acres of timber and
brush, now he has 80 acres of timber
with four times the quantity of wood
and fencing he had then. Acres of what
was mere switches then are now re-
spectacle trees % to 40 feet in hight.
1874.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-10-23

Go EAST BY WAY OF ST.. I,oUIs.-Tr
these days of railroad competition the
wise traveller selects his route before
leaving home. In almost every in
stance he desires to reach his dcstina-
ton as speedily as possible, and for the
accomplishment OF that purpose the
Missouri Pacific Through Line from
the West to the East, via Kansas CITY
and st. Louis, offers inducements un-
surpassed by any other line in the
country. Everything CONNECTED with
the Missouri Pacific r. r. is flrst-class.
and the adoption of the Miller Plat
form and the Westinghouse Air Brake
together with its Pullman Sleeners
and Reclining Chair Coaches, render q
trip over the line perfectly safe and
pleasant. Passengers from all parts of
the West by taking its express trains
at Kansas City, Leavenworth, Atchison
and other prominent cities, are landed
st. Louis at seasonable hours MORN
Ing and evening, and in ample time to
make direct connection with all
railroads for every point in the
North, East and South. Partic-
ular Information, with maps, time
tables, &c., may be had at the
various Through ticket" railroad sta
lions in the West, or upon personal or
written application to G. H. Baxter,
Western Passenger Agent, Kansas
City, No., or E. A. Ford, General
Passenger Agent, st. Louis, Mo.
3Vl
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-10-23
AMERICUS.
A Fnre-A Big Meeting.

Last Friday night, about 0 o'clock, the
alarm of fire was given along our streets
which startled all our villagers and sent
them pell nell to the burning cheese fac
tory. The Grange was in session, and au
adjournment without order gave the
grangers, men and women, chance to
help in the saving of the cheese and ma
! chinery which were in the building. 4
great many willing hands soon moved
| everything movable out OF the reach of
the fire. Then with sudden spring the
| men took hold Of the north side Of the ell
and tore it from its place and dragged it
away from the devouring element. An
other dash and q strong pull removed a
good portion Of the floor. By this time
the heat was SO intense that all hands had
to stand back and look on while q thou
sand tongues of fire ilcked up the pride
of our little village.
| The fact that there is never any fire in
that corner Of the bdilding where the fire
originated, and the discovery OF some
| crisped rags, lead many to believe that
some spitefuI villain set fire to the build
| ing. But IL hardly seems reasonable that
\ sneaking, misunderstanding ineendiary
would come out Of his hole at SO early an
hour, and while the moon was shining.
They love the late, dark hours of the
night.
The building was insured, and will not
prove to be very heavy loss to the own
ers; but to the people generally the loss is
. serious one Somebody will erect an
other building by the next cheese making
season. We must have one. Some Of
our full-handed men say we shall have it.
REPUBLICAN, MEETING.
1 According to announcement, Judge
Brown, j. Jay Buck and +. G. Hunt, Wis.
tied our town on Monday evening to ststir
UP our pure minds politically. Our PEG.
pie, hitherto very quiet, packed the larg-
est room in the school house, and patient.
ly listened TO the speakers while they
ably and fairly examined the status Of the
eontending parties and their candidates
Other pressing duties kept the writer away
until the very last minutes Of the meet
ing. Judge Browns speech is highly
spoken Of. +. G. Hunt did well. w
heard Bucks closing remarks, and CON
elnde that his speech was logical and con
vineing. We are very sure that Amen
Gus, rs heretofore, is right side up politi
eally. Set Us down for saving mJOrit,
J ON the Republican ticket.
Atthe close OF the meeting Miss SIocun
was Introduced and made brief speech
She has an artful way Of thrusting he
sntasoRist through and dropping bin
bleeding and helpless ather feet in MIN
Ite-
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-10-23

The above is a fac simile of label we
are placing upon a whisky we have sue
ceeded in getting control Of with some
difficulty. All Of the physicians to whom
we have shown it pronounce 1t superior
to anything yet brought to this market for
medical and family use.
Almost all writers and eminent prac-
ticioners of medicine admit and recon-
mend whisky-when of good quality--as
preferable as 4 medicinal agent to brandy
for various reasons, the most important of
which is: it is much more likely to be of
good quality, as its mode Of manufacture
is simpler; its action in low fevers as a
diffusiye stimulant is equal to brandy in
potency, while it does not produce the
painful burning in the stomach so often
complained of when brandy is used; in
staying The waste of tissue of consu mp
ton of the lungs, nothing, except it may
be cod liver oil. has yet been found to
equal it. The above being true, the diff
ference in price should be taken into con-
sideration, which is quite an item usually
to those who are so unfortunate as to be
ill. A single trial of our goods we are as
sured will convince the purchaser it is
something superior to anything they ever
used Of the kind. a--.s
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-10-23

SOMETHING ABOUT GONG EAsr.-T,.,
shortest possible route between the Gre,
West and the East, North ind South. i
over the ST. Louis, Kansas CITY an.
Northern Short Line. This road has Gain.
cd surprising Importance by reason n,
immense expenditures in the last two
years, of over two millions dollars I,s.
sides earnings, in improvements of road.
way, in re-laying their line with he's,
quality of new steel and iron rails .,
broad new ties, and by substituting for
ordinary cars, new reclining eh air coaches.
elegantly earpeted and fitted, with dress
ing rooms with toilet couvenIenees for Ia
dies, gentimen and families travelling with
children, aeithou: Gay extra charge. This
line runs six fast express trains between
the Missouri and Mississippi rivers. two
more than any other road, and connect
with all the great through lines East.
West, North and South. Ii is remarkably
exempt from accidents by reason OF adopt-
ing every modern appliance for comfort
speed and safety, including night and ,iay
Watchmen, who inspect the road before
and after the passage of each train 70 see
that everything is secure. We reeou,-
mead those contemplating = trip East TO
take the St. Louis. Kansas City & North
ern snort Line, either through 81. Louis,
the great metropolis of over $4,000 in
haoitants, or through Chicago, via the
chicago & Alton short line,oyer the Louis
iana Bridge. open for passage of through
trains. Ticket Agents OF coanec ting
roads selling tickets to the East, North of
South, will furnish tickets by this excel
emit line. For map, circulars, time cards,
aud information relative TO rates, &C., ap.
ply to or address Lyman McCarty, Kan
sas City, Mo.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-10-23
PLYMOUTH.
The Reform ShOw-Aunt Macy WhOnes
Whine.

Geo. Johnston Floors his Opponent.
Persons who have tc kill hogs soon,
would like to see cold weather.
ed by scarcity of feed, have sown few
acres of rye for late pasture, and as 4
guard against another light crop.
With another shower or two and a
few weeks more warm weather wheat
will have made such growth that it will
withstand hard winter If it should come.
"A. NJ. Weesner and family left last
Tuesday for winters visit TO friends in
Indiana.
Rev. Taylor, Presbyterian minister,
preached here last Sunday. We hear his
discourse highly spoken of.
The Reformers tried to make us be.
lieve last Friday night the country was
ruined. s. j. Crawford, gave us the
''same old tune" of corruption, fraud and
general decentralization of the Republican
party. Mr.. AveriIl signalIy failed to
make q point; his speech consisted OF
weak comicalitIes.
Miss Slocum, though speaking but 9
short time, showed more logic and good
common sense than both Crawford anC
Averill. She was frequently appiauded
Mr.. Johnston being called upon, took the
floor and in half hours speech, eomplet
ly floored his opponent, and surprised
even his most intimate friends by his log
ical illustrations of the fallacy of the Re
form party. All conceded that with more
experience he woulu be fluent speaker
Oct. 10th, 1874. j. 8.
The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-10-23

Society is getting at low ebb indeed
when poor euss OF country editor can
not leave paper sack full Of fne peaches
on his desk from Saturday night till Non
day morning, which were brought him BY
sympathetic granger. We begin to
have grave suspicious about the upright
ness Of certain law Office which has
heret OfoTe enjoyed our unlimited conf
denee- We take this occasion 20 say in a
moderate sort OF tone. that il our friend
Smith. OF Four-mile, brings Us any more
Of those fine large peaches and they are
'felOnIously p urloined," during our tenn
porary absense, rs were the last ones he
brought. = certain Mr.. Sawbones, who Is ;
near neIEhbor Of ours, will have winters
job in tinkertng up the shins and skulls
OF the inmates OF the aforesaid law Office
Nov make 4 note Of all this, you misera.
bic disciples NJ Blackstone. You heal
our racket,