The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1874-11-17


e8- An Indiana clergyman sued news
prper for libel and dropped dead within
week. The Detroit FREQ Press says these
fellows will learn something by and by.
EsY- A ferryman was asked by timid
lady whether any persons we're ever lost in
the river over which he rowed. sob no."
said he eve always find 'em the next
day."
az An industrious citizen Of La Porte,
un able to do all his work in the daytime,
planted his potatoes in tho evening by
moonlight what surprised his wife next
morning was--what has become of those
dough-nuts a.?
esy- At public gathering lately in New
York, one of the gentleman present was
called upon for a speech, and this is how he
responded "Gentleman and women,
amt no speecher. More'n twenty years
back came here poor idiot boy, and
what are 1?
tB- Now, then, Joseph, parse courting,"
said the teacher to a rather slow boy
"courting' is an irregular active transitive
verb, indicative mood, present tense, third
person, and singular number, and so on"
said Joseph. Well but what does it agree
with ?" demanded the teacher. "It agrees
with all the gals in towns triumphantly
exclaimed Joseph,
at hotel recently, ordered supper. The
meal was very inferior one, and at its
conclusion, which was soon reached, he
stepped up to settle for it.
"Well," said Boniface, with alacrity,
"I hope you had good supper"
eyes" replied he, musingy, "the
supper averaged first rate; the butter
was strong and the tea was weak"
Cg- It was in a village that all old scis-
sors grinder, calling on minister, made the
usual query, "Any scissors to grind p"
Receiving negative answer, it was the
minister's turn, which he took by asking,
"Are you man of God?' edo not under
stand you. care you prepared to die ?"
The question struck home. Gathering up
his kit and scrambling for the door, he ex-
claimed, terror-stricken 80 Lor, you
amt a going to kill me, are you?"
Czg- A man who was taking the registry
of births in neighboring city, went to the
house of somewhat coarse, hard, man and
not finding any one at home, asked young
lady, who was just coming out of a neigh
boring house, if there had been any births
in that honse the past year ? "No," she
replied Immediately, "but the man who
lives there ought to be born again" The
registry man went on his way shaking his
sides with laughter at the hit.
Gg- Two Irishmeu, lately landed, were
boarding at hotel where they were
muchly troubled with mosquitoes and could
hardly obtain sleep enough to satisfy ma
ture.
"Put your head under the blankets"
said Mike, can they'll not bite yees.,
Pat did as requested, but scarcely had
he found himself free from the mosquitoes
when he was attacked by bed-bugs that he
had failed to notice.
"Bad luck to me Mike" said he
"here's another kind widout wings an
fiddles, but begorra they bite as hard as
the Others" hfa
eag- Many years ago, Elder Place, then
preaching in Johnstown, was called to at
tend the funeral of an aged female par
ishioner At the close OF the service the
surviving partner stepped forward to take
one last look, and in tone Of regretful resig-
nation, gave utterauce to the following re-
mark "Well, Betsey, you've been good
wife to me, and Pm sorry to lose you but
I've no doubt you're now sleeping sweetly
in Beelzebub's bosom" " mol no broth
er," hastily interposed the astonished min
lister; "you don't mean that. You mean
she is now sleeping in Abraham's bosom.'
"Well, Elder" rejoined the sorrowiDg
man, ~ don't know as it makes much
difference whether it is Beelzebub or Abra-
ham. expect they are both very good
men, for we read their names in the
Bible"
tB- About two o'clock on a December
night, in Illinois, when the thermometer
stood in the neighborhood Of zero, party
of wags hailed farmhouse in a very
boisterous manner. The farmer sprang
out of his bed, drew on few articles of
clothing, and ran out to see what was
wanted, when the following interesting
dialogue ensued
"Haye you any hay, Mr-2"
Plenty Of it sir,
Have you plenty of corn?'