Vermont phÅ“nix. [volume] (Brattleboro, Vt.) 1834-1955, 1874-07-17


The tendency Of men to herd themselves
into professions is one of the mysteries Of
human nature, which is only equalled by
the tendency of those who are not in the
herd TO stand in the broling sun and adj
mre the others. Why this should be so,
what peculiar satisfaction the man in the
procession derives from it, aud what object
he has in view, are problems yet to be
solV ed and yet ii is probably the height of
the ambition OF every average man TO see
the day when he shall go in a procession
happy if lie can march on foot doubly
happy if he can carry the Star Spangled
Banner or some other banner bearing some
strange device; thrice happy If he may
ride a horse, terrify the women and chill
dren with the caracolings of his fiery char
ger and shout hoarsely at his division of
the procession. All of this is more re-
markable from the fact that the procession
is but child's sport, with the difference
that the paper hats have been changed for
beavers with feathers in them the lath
swords for steel ones; the tin pan and
whistle for the drum and fife; the red
flannel stripe and bit of blue ribbon for
variegated uniform bespangled with jew
els and gaudy with tnse and the stick
which the leader straddled so gracefully
for a live horse, which the leader, nine
times out of ten, straddles ungracefully.
The effect of the procession upon the in
dividual hardly has parallel among nat
ura phenomena. Your butcher or your
shoemaker may be, and probably is, very
ordinary man not blessed with wealth or
hou uin nr va
ing desires for the good, the true and the
beautiful the owner of brood of rather
ty and promiscuous children; with an
intellect capable of the scientific carving of
a sheep or skilful cobbling of a boot.
There is nothing majestic or awful about
| him, You would not invite him to your
soiree as a paragon. Indeed, in the morn
ing call at your house, your servant re-
ceives him, and they gossip together in
friendly way. But once array your butch
| or in a plug hat and white apron throw
an emblazoned crimson scarfabout his mus
cular shoulders; put boiled shirt on him
| and stick rose in his button hole hang
two or three tinsel crosses and other orna-
ments on his manly breast and, if he be
large butcher, let him carry banner stuck
in pouch, looking as if it was rooted in
his ample corpus, and he becomes meta
morphosed into another creature. AS he
marches along in his stately manner, keep
ing time, time, time, in a sort of Runic
rhyme, to the tintinnabulaton of the band,
he is an awful and majestic being, who
towers above you as you stand upon the
curbstone, and looks down upon you as
one OF the sans culottes. Yesterday he
would have taken off his hat TO you to-
day, if he sees you at all, he only sees you
as an atom; one of a thousand, admiring
him as a magnificent being only equalled
as a royal potentate and possibly surpassed
by Sultan in the grandeur of his bearing
and the gorgeousness of his apparel. AS
you retire TO your chamber at night with
the confused pictures OF flags, banners,
crosses, swords, aprons, horse-collars,
trombones and guns fitting before you, the
vision of this majestic creature appears
looming up like Mont Blanc among lesser
hills. You regret now that only yesterday
you vexed his great soul with complaints
about tough beef; that you had threatened
this awe-inspiring creature to discharge this
awe-inspiring creature and employ an
other. You regret your dullness in not
recognizing the possibilities lying dormant
3 in him, ana you mentally resolve to make
3 your respects to him, the'Thrice lllustrious
Prince, or Most Eminent Grand Seigneur,
: or High and Top-Lofty Baron, commanding
3 the Most Stunning Knights of Pythagoras,
/. and request the pleasure of eating tough
steak thereafter.
There is one man in the procession, how
ever, who does not possess these attributes.
Q He is the last man. 1t is sad that there
b must be last man in procession but 1t
o must always be so, until some way is dis
: covered of making up the procession in
e circle and then giving it motion like ro-
: tary SHE'LL turning around his own axis
, and going straight ahead also. This last
+, man is weary, worn, pathetic creature,
Q who looks as il life was burden to him.
He is a rusty, seedy biped, without any
Il good clothes. No stars blaze on his breast.
n No banner shields him from the fiery sun.
= His ear never hears the inspiring notes oi
}, the band. He catches all the dust of the
& procession. By-standers rush in front oil
him with impuuity. He has no PRIDE at
5 all. There is no pomp about him, no maj
It esty of mien. He always looks sick, tired'
o disheyelled and forloln. Small boys jeer
Y at him. Bus drivers contemptuously order
1t him out of the way. Reckless young men
n make desperate efforts to drive over him.
10 He gets mixed up among newsboys, boot
IS blacks, yellow dogs, advertising wagons
fan sellers, drsys and frantic women rush
o ing after erratic children and loses the pro-
1t cession, and by the time he regains it he is
l. poor, harrassed,. detected man and
n brother, and an object of universal pity
I, The chances are that If he does not go OH
II with sun-stroke or get run over by an lee
l. cart and have TO be taken home In an OK
l. press wagon, he will, as the result OF MS
Of pathetic situation, get drunk with remark
"A able despatch before sunset 80 long as
" there must be last man in every process
IN sion there should be some compensation
D. He should be made attractive. Let him be
as handsomely decorated and caparisoned'
Of Let him have on two aprons. Let him
s. carry a banner and have an American flag
at in his hat. Let him also have drawn
y. sword with which to keep off the small
$, boys and yellow dogs, and thus the last
q man in the procession will cease to be the
10 most wretched object in existence.-C"'-
ID cdDo Tribune.
\, -----
" Jesse r. Grant, son OF the President