Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1874-01-01
The weather is as tickle as a col

The weather is as tickle as a col
lege Miss who would like to marry a
dozen Chawles, but cant.
We are in receipt of so many
Christmas gifts in the shape of nude
contrabands about one inch long, each
wrapped in an indefinite number of pa
pers that we feel very like a patriarch.
We think we detect slight family re-
semblance, in color at least, and then
all have eyeses, noses, mouthses, earses,
and such lipses, that We are half in
clined to think some pottery man has
been palming US off upon lump OF
lifeless clay as the progenitor of an in
Vulnerable offspring. We are willing
to assume a part of the responsibility,
but Doe Witter with his curly locks
has got to help US.
We learn that Dr.. Witter and
friend Worden are having debating
school. The question under discus
sion is,-or rather the en-quauy-
care those my stone or do they be-
long to some other man ?" The party
of the first part takes the Affirmative,
while the other takes the stone. and
then the thing is reversed and the
party of the second part takes the neg
alive and the affirmative takes the
stone. affirming that che gusses he
knows whose stone that is"
The question isn't decided as yet,
but the stone begins to look little
worn on the edges and probably some
stone dresser will lose JOB before
spring. It is a gritty subject, and
they are gritty subjects, and it would
seem as though they were trying to
kill two birds with one (pile of stone.
"Howsomever," as the woman said of
her new soft soap-''them stun will
stand a pile o'movin."
Did you ever see counter-irri-
tant? They are sometimes made of
mustard and vinegar or water, and
sometimes Of the sole of an old slip
per-one OF mothers" but we saw
one the other day made out Of cloth,
and right good cloth. too,-she-she
was ske-.was some Of the CLOTH"
and she looked as though she could
draw blister on the bottom OF cop
per bottomed man-ofWar without ex-
hausting her vesicatory powers, and
she hustled along with rustling sound
like unto bundle Of shavings driven
along the gutter before the wind, only
she hustled bigger and had a bigger
hustle, and we guess she was rich for
she looked as though she might be,
though maybe he was defaulter. At
any rate she was a counter-irritant, one
Of those Chicago counter-irritants, -
there's where we saw her. How she
did go into that dry goods store, and
how those clerks did tend to business.
She said "Have you any''-we couldn't
hear the rest for it was foreign word,
and we guess the clerk swallowed it,
for he had cramp in his stomach, and
TO extricate himself he somersetted
over once or twice and rolled out pile
of dry goods as big as parrot gun and
then she wanted to see something else,
and to look at this,-and to see that
and to examine some Of those, and
what she didn't want to see was in an
other store, and all this time that little
clerk--he was getting four dollars and
forty cents week.-Mrs. passing away
like dew in the morning, and the little
cash boys were dipping him Up in little
cups for they all felt sorry for little
Billy, who wasn't Ger strong. Say no
more about the boy who stood upon
the burning deck, but rather chant the
praises of the little dry goods martyr
who stood upon ceremony till it killed
him. He died Of too much counter
irritant, and his was a plain coffin
and when she had swept along the cor
ridors of the stately palace of trade,
and into her coach, she had purchased
a lace collar and some shoe ties, and
another little martyr carried the pur-
chase to her mansion in the afternoon,
the next day, and as sickly procession
went by to the Potter's field she said,
"bub, what pauper's funeral is that,
and then the memory OF poor Bill came
up before him as he thought of his poor
chum in the pine box, and he replied
with very little decorum, ''1ts poor Bill,
and you killed him yesterday buying
that collar and them shoe-strings, yer
old brute, blast yer" There are lots
Of inst such nnnntnr-irritants elsewhere