The Hickman courier., 1874-03-21
FUN AT THE PATENT OFFICE.
Gnsuspected Geniuses Among Us-Speci-
men Letters to High Officials.
Mrs. Arnesl .sTe1i Years in Washinrfnrl y

Mrs. AmeSf :" Ten Years IN MashlD gtOn."
With all its comprehensive cares,
one side of the commissioners official
life tends to iolIity. good digestion and
long life. In no other position in the
world, probably, could a man discover
how many crazy people there are out
side of the lunatic asylum. The born
inventor is always a dreamer. For the
sake of his darling, though, he is will
ing to sacrifice himself, his wife and
his ehildres-.,.' - s.Sng bnt La : mes
eng ss5s.IS' -, = ailq II guIek-
fen t5er fail often ennf the pg preeions %
thought developed into form, is only n
failure.
Sometimes this is sad-qujte as often
started, far back in the ages, with its
machine of Perpetual Motion, long
ago reached the doors of the American
The persons found in
that procession are sometimes aston
ishing. A doctor of divinity, well
known at the capital, and not suspected
of studying any machinery but that of
the moral law, appeared one day IN the
office of the commissioner.
81 know I've got it, he said.
;, What, sir ?"
. Perpetual motion, sir. Look -
and be set down a machine. g Ii the
floor were not in the way, if the earth
were not in the way, my weight would
never stop, and my machine wouId go
on forever. I know this is original
with me-that it never dawned before
upon any human mind.
So enthusiastic was the doctor, it
was with difficulty he could be re-
strained from depositing his ten dol
lars and leaving his experiment to be
patented. The commissioner, quietly,
sent TO the library for a book-a history
of attempts to create perpetual motion.
Opening at a certain page, he pointed
out to the astonished would-be inventor
where his own machine had been at
tempted and failed hundred years ago.
The reverend doctor took the book
home, read, digested and meditated
thereon-to bring it back and lay it
down before the commissioner, in 81
lence. No one has ever heard him
speak of perpetual motion since.
1t would take large volume to re-
cord all the preposteF us letters and in
ventions received at this Office. a very
short time since man sent letter to
the patent bureau describing a new pro-
CCSS Vi Nl4CD uG 1ldL OE18L III
ated. It was accompanied by a dead
baby-"the model (which he re-
quested should lie placed in one of the
glass cases in the exhibition room. He
considered himself deeply injured when
his request was refused.
A letter was recently received by the
commissioner of patents, from q man in
Portsmouth, England, offering this gov
ernment the benefit of an invention of
his own for utilizing water-power, so as
to force the water to great height
when confined in reservoirs constructed
for the purpose. He offers the inven-
ton free of all charge, because, he
states, it pains him to see ''such mighty
power as there is at the Niagara wasted. "
In addition, he offers his own services
at the low rate of 81, 600 per annum TO
build and operate the invention. He
says in his letter that '' if the mighty
great power of Niagara was accumula-
ted, it would move a great deal. He
also says that he " has good plan for
a velocipede and bicycle that he thinks
would be a good thing for this coUn-
try" but admits that people in Eng
land don't like it.
Referring again to his water power,
he claims that if this government would
build the road, he can take ships
across the Isthmus of Panama, Gin
box, water and all"
The commissioner recently received
the following communication from the
legation of the United States
PARIS, Dec 8. 1872.
SIR-a very large number of inventions and
discoveries are submitted to his legation
with the request that we shall transmit them
to Washington Most of them are, as you
may suppose, worthless. We have had, for
instance, serious plans for the determination
of all the lions andtigers in the United States
by the use of catmint, the modus operandi
being to dig an i'm nense pit. and fill it with
the herb. The well-known love of the feline
race for catmintiwin naturally induce the lions
and tigers to jump into the pit and roll them
selves upon it; whereupon concealed hanters
are to appear and slaughter the ferocious ami
MALI. 8
Another plan is for the destruction of grass
hoI peTs on the plains by the use of artillery
it being perfectly well known that concussion
kills insects.
a third is for the capture of a besieged city
by the of bomb which. Fupon exploding,
shall emit so foul a smell that the be sieged
will rush headlong from the walls, ard an easy
prey to the besiegers.
The president of the United States
receives many letters of like character,
which are by him transmitted to the
bureau of patents. 1 append verbatim
copies Cincluding orthography) of three
which represent many thousands more of
equal intelligence received at this de-
partment of the government.
AUGUST, 31st, 1872.
MR. Q. S. GRANT Sir its is with pleas
ure take this opportunity OF writing
to You l am well at Present Hoping
these fsg lines will find you enjoying
5A.Jsfzffre esfFfs- focsaVy antIs3a
hope and expect you will be our next
President OF the United States I would
like to have an Office of Siviliseing the
Indians What Salary will you give me
per Aunum please Write to me end let
me know in fact / am in need of a little
money at present VIII you please send
me 600 or /, 900 dolors 10 - Sumth-
ing Aught to he done for the poor In
dian And beleave that can sivelize
them. If you will give me $50 or 200
per month it will doc.
MARCH 13 1873
Hon. SIR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA / announce to you
that L am inventing Perpetual Motion
have once had my patents stolen or
should had the machine In running or
der before this aud have altered nv
plan so that it carrys and wheel and
when constructed on a large plan it will
move machinery. And being on a new
md different from all others and 1 am
'ure of success which 1 hope to place
before the world soon. Though in con-
sequence of poor health, and not Law
Dg the means to work with it, it will |
axe some months longer to accomplish |
t. 1 might write you the plan, but L |
m not sure that you will receive this. |
md now / wish to answer few ques- |
ions which l hope you viii answer by
Iriting as soon as you receive this.
1st has there been patent granted
r applied for on perpetual motion
End has the Government bounty of
cred to the inventor
Sd when the machine is in perfect
unning order and Shure that it will go
'ithout stopping will you and man
'om the Patent Office come on and
rant me patent and fetch me boun-
= If there Is one.
9th is there eny way that can have
me to get the machine completed be-
'atent
Please write soon and address
Hos FRIEND-Soltcfto,- of Patents