The Van Buren press., 1874-04-21
GRANGE SECRETS EXPOSED.
How limitations are Conducted.


was securely masked by what | after
wards learned sas large harloe, lea
perforated with holes Tor the eyes, told
me that il | valued my life, it would be
necessary for me to strip AS did con.
slider that Of considerable worth to me-
and as he Italicised his wishes by care
lessly playing with a seven shooter,
withdrew from my garments with eager
ness My masked friend then furnished
me with The regalia of the first degree
called The Festive Ploughboy, which
consisted merely of one large cabbage
leaf attached to the waist band of potatoe
vines In this airy costume | was con.
dncted to the door, where my companion
gave three distinct raps / was secure
ly blind-lolded, by binding slice of
rutabag, over each eye.) A sepulchral
voice from within asked:
Who comes
My guide answered: a youthful agri-
culturist who desires to becomc a
granger.
Sepulchral voice-lia,e you looked
him careiul, over?
Guide have, noble gate-keeper.
S. V.-Do you find any agricultural
marks about his person.
Guide--I do.
S. WHAT are they?
Guile-The candidate has carrotty
hair, reddish whiskers, and a turn up
nose
S TITS well. Why do you desire
to become granger
Guide answering for the candidatc)
THAT | may thereby be the better en-
abled to harrow up the feelings Of the
rascallv politicians.
S. V--You will bring in the candidate.
NY worthy STRIPPING, as you cannot see,
/ will cause you To feel that you are re
ceiyed ON the three points Of a pitchlork,
piercing the re- gion OF the stomach, which
is to teach you the great virtues-iath,
hope aud charity. Faith in yourself
hope for cheaper farm machinery, and
charity for the lightning rod peddler
You will now be harncssed in representa-
ton of the horse Pegasus, aud will be
tested as to endurance aud wind
The candidate is here attached to q
small imitation plow by means of Il
hempea harness 4 dried pumpkin vine
is put in hls mouth for u bit aud birdie,
he is made to go down on ali fours, the
guide sezes the bride, and urged on by
granger, armed with a Canada thistle,
the candidate is galioped three times
around the room While making the
circuit, the members rise and sing
Get up and dust you bally boy,
Who wouldn't be granger
IL the thistes prick don't cause You JOY
TO feeling you must be estranged, eh?
After this violent exercise he is rub
bed dry with corn cobs, beeswaxed where
thstled, and brought standing up before
the great clief--the Most Worshipful
Pumpkin Head.
NJ. w. T. IL Why do yoa desire to
be a grangcrf
CA. didate, answering for himselt)-
That may extinguish sewing machine
agents
NV z. II.--lIave your hands been
hardened With toll
Candidate Not extensively, but then
/ am not ruL ming for office.
NJ w. L. h - lis well, for our lodge
contains several who are supposed to be
ready to sacrifio themselves for the good
OIL tnelf constituents
Nj. w. p. H-(savagely) Give me n
chaw of tobacco!
Candidate, searching himself thor
oughly, but az there is no place about
him to stick pocket, tries to explain,
but the Most Worship ful Pumpllin head
interrupts hun with
Never mind, my dear young friend, |
a,n well aware that in your present con
dltion you caa no more furnish your
friends with the weed than Adam could
be comfortable in a plug hat and tight
boots. 1t is merely to teach you the
great lesson Of economy-doing to 9th
ers as you'd like to have others do to
you You will be conducted to the Most
Eminent Squash Producer. who will
teach you the grand hailing sign OF dis.
tress. The sign, my worthy young
brother, will insure you against most OF
the ills of the agriculturalst-amon
others against droughts and being bit by
the ferocous grass hopper.
The candidate is now conducted to the
Most Eminent Squash Producer, who
thus says My worthy brother | viii
now invest You with tie order of the
Festive IIou9hOoy, Wulcu YOU haNc "''i
won by your heroic achievement while
harnessed may you ever wear II with
pleasure to yourself, and may ii be a
means Of terror to your enemies.
On. + S. Z. then proceeds to invest
the candidate with the regalia of the Fes
tive Ploughpoy, which consists ofa long
tomato necklace.
The grand hailing sign Of distress is
made by gently closing the left eye. lay
ing the right foreiinger alongside the
nose, and violent wagging the ears 1t
requires practice, but The advantages are
intense. 1t also has an important >igui
tication which YOU will do well to heed.
The closing of the eye signifies that IN
all your dealings with mankind, you are
bound to have an eve to business lay
ing the linger alongside the nose Is EN-
blematical of wisdom, and places yon at
once among the knowing ones THIS
is extremely handy in prognosticatina
new weather, and saves The wear and tcai
OF aImanacs. Wagging the ears signifies
sublmity of purpose. aud is thought IL
be omblematical of chldhood's happy
hours. 1t is also supposed by som'
profounl scholars to have distinct ref