The Volcano lubricator. (Volcano, W. Va.) 1871-1879, 1874-02-26
HOW TO BE A HUMCRIST.
Every man his Own "Dan5ury
News Man"
From TIE Graphic.

ccntented to admire the "Danbury
News Mans" Jokes without close
scrutiny Of their method Of construc-
ton. Whenever they are analized the
plan that the wayfaring man, or any
other man, with the slightest trace Of
his ancestral simian capacity for ini
tation, can go 10 work and build up a
"Danbury News Mans" joke as easily
as he could write money article for a
New York daily.
The process is this First you hy-
pothecate a man, and locate him in any
street that may occur to you. AS, for
example, you invent "Mr, Jones Of
Wooster street." This is obviously
the simplest OF all possible proceed
ingS. Even the small boy who has pro-
ceeded far enough in arithmetic to in
vent. for the pleasure of his teacher,
men who buy 1900 apples to distri-
butte to thirty-seven boys. or other in
famous men who engage in similar
sports for the evaporation Of innocent
youth. could invent Zones of Woes
ter street."
Having thus caught your man, you
proceed to mention that he has met
with some unpleasant accident. All
YOU have to do is to mention this fact
at some length and with solemn cir
cumlocution, and then the thing u.s.
done. You have made a joke and
hencerorth can be your own "Danbury
News Man"
Take the case Of Jones, Of Wooster
street, and complicatc him with wife
and tom cat. The treatment requir-
cd to produce the desired joke will be
something as follows:
"Mr. Jones, of Wooster street, is
quiet man. He likes an uninterrupted
nights rest, and Mrs. Jones says that
ifhe did not snorc he would be harm
less as a corpse. The other night-it
was a particularly cool and, plea
SAINT night for sleeping-Mr.
Jones was awakened about :
O'Clock in the morning BY Mrs. Jones.
She told him there were robbers in the
room. Mr.. Jones pinched her to ex-
press his indignation at being woke up
for such trivial cause. ard then put
his head under the clothes and pre-
tended that he wanted TO go 10 sleep
again. But Mrs. Jones wouldn't give
him minutes peace, and he finally
thought he had better get up to see
about it, He said he wasn't afraid Of
any living robber, but he did object to
having his spinal vertebrate laid bare.
Mr.. Jones got 10 and hunted for a
match. First nc ran his head against
the edge ofthe closet door, and then he
Knocked the clock of the mantle piece
and when it burst open on his bare
feet and filled his legs full Of bits Of
glass and sharp pointed wheels, he
simply said something about "Helen"
somebody-h,s wife didn't hear the
last name-and asked Mrs. Jones
whether she would never make up her
mind to leave the matches where he
could get at them, or whether she
would prefer to see him cut to pieces
and made mangled corpse. Finally
he found the matches, and after trying
in vain to light six Of them he got one
TO light at last. Before he found the
lamp he dropped the match, and it lit
a second time. In fact it lit on his
bare foot. Mrs. J ones told him that
as church member he ought to be
ashamed Of himself, and what would
the innocent children think if they
could hear him. At last he managed
to get the lamp lit, and found that the
cat was sleeping serenely at Mrs.
Jones' feet, and that her purring had
been mistaken by that lady for the
breathing Of whole gang of robbers.
Mr.. Jones sat on the side OF the bed
and talked to Mrs. Jones in kind and
christian way about that cat and those
matches, and that clock and that closet
door, till breakfast time, and then
went down to the drug store and pur-
chased arsenic enough to kill all the
cats in Wooster street. He hasn't
been disturbed at night since, and his
boy sold 4 handsome cat-skin for IS
marbles and an ounce of gunpowder,
yesterday morning"
Can anything be easier than this'
And yet people who don't take the
trouble to analyze things go to their
graves ignorant that, if they chose, they
might be their own "Danbury News
Man." and so leave precious and fra
Grant memories and comic alnoanacs