The St. Cloud journal. [volume] (St. Cloud, Minn.) 1866-1876, 1874-11-05
JOSH BILLINGS ON HOTELS.

JOSH BILLINGS ON HOTELS.
Hotels are houses ov refuge, homes
for the vagrants, the married mans
retreat and the bachelors fireside.
They are kept in all sorts ov ways :;
some on the European plan, and men
ny ov them on no plan at all.
A good landlord IL like good
stepmother-he knows biz bizzness,
and means to do biz duty:
He knows how to rub hiz hands
with JOY when the traveller draws
nigh; he knows how to smile; he
knew yure wife's father when he waz
living, and yure wife's fust husband,
but he don't speak about him.
He kan tell whether it will rain to-
morrow or not; he hears yure kom-
plants with tear in his eye; he
blows up the servants at yure sugges-
ton, and stands around reddy, with
shirt collar az stiff az broken china.
A man may be a good supream
Court Judge and at the same time be
a miserable landlord.
Most everybody thinks they kan
keep a hotel, and they kan; but this
ackounts for the CRATE number ov
hotels that are kept on the same prin-
ciple that Justis ov the Peace oAiss
IL kept in the country during a six
days jury trial for killing some
boddy's yello dorg.
A hotel won't keep itself, and keep
the landlord, too, and ever kure a
traveller from the habit ov profane
swaring.
hav had this experiment tried on
me several times, and it alwus max
the swares wuss.
It IL too often the kase that land
lords go into the bizzness of hash az
ministers 60 into the professhun-
with the very best ov motives, but the
poorest kind ov prospecks.
l don't know ov emmy bizzness more
Hattersum than the tavern bizzness.
There don't seem tew be ennything
tew do but tew stand in front of the
register with pen behind the ear,
and see that the guests enter them
selts az soon az they: enter the house :;
then yank bell-rope six or. seven
times; and then tell John tew sho
the gentleman to 976; and then take
four dollars and fifty cexts next
morning from the poor devil ov q
traveller, and let him went.
This seems tew be the whole thing
and it IL the whole thing in most
cases.
Yu will diskover the following
deskripshun mild one ov about 9
hotels out ov 10 between the Atlan-
tik and Pacifik Oshuns, akrost the
United States in straight line:
Yure room is 13 foot 6 inches by 8
foot inches, parallelogramly.
1t being court week Gas usual), all
the good rooms are employed bi the
lawyers and judges.
Yure room is on the uttermost
floor.
The carpet IL ingrain-ingrained
with the dust, kerosene lie, and ink
spots ov four generashuns.
Thare IL two pegs in the room tew
hitch coats onto-one ov them broke
oph, and the other pulled out and
missing,
The buro haz three legs and one
brick.
The glass tew the buro swings on
two pivots which hav lost their grip.
Thare IL one towel on the rack,
thin, but wet.
The rain-water in the pitcher cum
out ov the we'll.
The soap IL az tuff tew wear az q
MILESTONE.
The soap IL scented with cinnamon
lie, and variagated with spots.
Thare IL three chairs, kane settlers
one il rocker, and all three are
busted.
Thare is matchbox, empty.
Thare is no kurtin tew the windo,
and thare don't want tew be emmy
yu kant see out, and who kan see
in?
The bell-rope IL cum oph about 6
inches this side ov the ceiling.
The bed IL a modern slat-bottom,
with two mattresses, one cotton and
one husk, and both harder and about
as thick az a sea-biskitt.
Yu enter the bed sideways, and kan
feel every s]at at once, az yu could
the ribs ov a gridiron.
The bed IL inhabited.
Yu sleep sum, but role over a good
deal.
For breakfast yu hav gong and
rhy kofee too kold tew melt butter,
fride potatoze which resemble the
chips a two-inch auger makes in its
journey thru an oak log.
Bread solid :; beefstake about az
thik as blister plaster, and so tuff as
a hounds ear.
Table covered with plates, few
scared-to-death pickles on one o1
them and 6 fy-indorsed crackers or
another.
| A pewterinktom castor with thref