National Republican. (Washington City (D.C.)) 1872-1888, 1874-07-17
OUR VARIETY ADJUSTMENTS
AN ETENI,Sts,S SoJoURN IN T8EPE4-
MT G8LLERF.

ACTLY QCITESATISFIED, BUT THEN NJ
CARES?
If the jolly John Haywood, who was tn
founder Of the legitimate drama, could put O
his mortality once more and occupy a from
seat in one Of our variety places Of amusement
he would undoubtedly be surprised, if no
quite astonished, at the wonderful progress il
the profession since he first gave to "Merr
Old England his celebrated nterlude entities
''The Four P's." Instead of the dcsOlste
diDgy and darfsome caverrs of the snailly az
of the uxoTiOus old pOt-hellied monarch, Henr
VIII, he would discover a brilliantly illumi
mated and spacious apartment, with rich fres
Going, appropriate scenic painting, and, withRl
8 peanut gallery attached. This latter conye
nience is a thing which John never enjoyed
and probably never will. They did not know
what it was to have peanut gallery in his be-
nighted day. Not much, dear peruser. 1t II
entirely modern invention, developed AMI es'
tablished through the benign influence Of q
higher civilization-which civilization is an alb
sOlute necessity to a peanut gallery, because
there would be none Of its kind without tht
bootblacks and newsboys, who are naturally
the ofsprings of progress and advancement.
Poor John Haywood. He died too soon. He
was waited over the river long before peanut
galleries came into use. They are such al
addition 20 the modern theatre. We feel it
We know it. We were there ourselves few
nights since.
THE FLAMING HANDBILLs
claimed. in large red and blue types, that the
"ROllicking Scout Of the Rugged CaVerns, OIL
Shack Nasty James and his Intelligent Con.
stituenCy," would entertain the audience with
several scslping scenes and war dances, inter
spersed with so and so forth. We took It for
granted that the latter portion Of the pro
gramme meant more than it said, and having
q deep-seated aversion to sitting under anything
granted that the latter portion Of the pro-
gramme meant more than it said, and having
supported by wooden pillars, and loaded with
3 restless mob Of dirty boys, We procured q
conspicuous front seat in the peanut gallery,
and patiently awaited events.
An army of newsboys were arraved on our
left: the bOOt-black brigade, fortified with
cigar stubs, had taken up quarters on our
right, while in the rear 8 miscellaneous mob
was cracking peanuts and talking profanity,
with a large degree Of nonsense in It. For
quarter Of sn hour before the regular perform
anCe began a continued crOss-ire was kept up
between the ''papcs' and BLACKS, urged on
by the varicgated crowd Just behind US. A
beardless youth to our right, over whose face
was written in leCible characters vice, and
whose neck was encased in paper IS. and
whose breath was fetid with cloves and gin
Iuleps remarked that it had been dustin
hot day. We clapped our hand involuntarily
OIL our watch and replied that "OUr thermome-
ter had blown its roof of and was leaking
badly" He passed in his regrets and asked
US for a match.
Said we, young man, we never fool with
the filthy weed, and We dOn't'-at This juno
ture a ragged, wizen-faced "black" on our
left let Fly the major portion of
GREEN APPLE,
which lit on a prominent feature Of our coun-
tenance and then jumped of among the pea
nut eaters, creating some cOmmOtiUn. We
hurled a compound glance Of Indignation and
fury at the impudeHt wTctch and was on the
point Of asking him if he had any dying words
10 send his mother, when better feeling stole
gently ever our soul, and we remembered with
sorrow the young man : condition. We knew
that he had never felt the heEign influence Of
the Sunday school; We felt that lie was not c
child after pious mothers own heart: we were
satisfied that his ears had never reverberateJ
with the thrilling tale Of how the she bears
came down on the mob Of sGucy and gum
chewing boys who were crying 10 the vcnera-
Die prophet, go up, old bald head: 20 up"
We were further satisfied that he was not
aware that forty and two Of those same bows
were torn IN shreds and devoured in less than
three minutes, and that nothing was left 20
mark the place where they were save the two
very mad bears looking for more boys meat.
Knowing these sad things, we softened our
Vengeful glance into a mid reproof, and re-
nnsrEod Ia tho yallnE man right, with
three thirds Of plug OF tobacco slowed away
in his teeth, that the hoy who hesved that
apple was a freckled-faced, knock kneed, inn
pertinent, blssphemous, red-headed, sroIlt
child. He winged his hand on MS ear, and,
bending toward US, squeskei, in a saw-likc
voice, "What dye sayi'
We replied with emphasis that it was our
'deep-seated design and heartfelt intentions
to entertain that unfortunate greeD-appled lost
soul across the way with
= SOLO nc
and sOle-lenther accompaniment Immediately
after the performance was'-jingie. jingle, |
rang the little bell, and the drop-curtain, with
its two lovers in the foreground and the old
gent in the rear Peeping through a clump OF
bushes, passed rapidly towards the ceiling and
from view. The poise Of the vari- !
Ous instruments in :he orchestra, the laughter |
and cries Of the restless mob in the gallery, and
the hum Of the snobs and other items Of NOR |
tality below became bushed and silent, when a |
a female with but little to wear, and wearing |
it, glided gracefully on TO the stage to two bars
Of soft music, and commenced TO vault and |
throw herself about like an animated india |
rubber bail bounding for wages. What beau |
tiful hair! What magnificent arms What |
exquisite grace Oh, them eyes ! Those lose. |
That-"Get down in front, you black headed |
luDatic ~ yelled gruff and maddened sinner |
just behind us. We swallowed the rest OF that |
sentepce, which was a "foot," and, turning |
upon the immodest fellow who made the re- |
mark, we-failed to think Of anything appro- |
pirate to say, and sat down.
On whirlPl the ballet dancer turDinp 6rst 1
Ind second-class somerssults, winding and |
twisting and bouncing about: now doubling |
herself into fancy bow-knot and nov waltz |
ing off Oh the tips Of her toes, until at last |
having finished the steps, she kissed her hand |
10 the audience. and then skipping with airy |
grace and satisfied smile, disappeared behind |
he scenes amid much heel-music from the |
peanut gallery.
What would jolly John Haywood say to al |
HE. thought we. Would he be willing to
,atheI any SUCH programme? WOQld he have
sYeT Eritten The -Four P's" had he supposed |
That It would lead to such proceedings Did |
he intend The drama to be quite so Legitimate?
Would that crowned rcpr"tate, Hanky the
Eighth, have ever allowed such liberal dis
play OF milk-white tunics and
SALMON coLoRED LEGS
syen before his bigamous courtiersl Not much,
sUnny, if what makes what, and we think |
il Just at this moment q shrin whoop from |
The stage resOunded through the hall, and |
nervous fellow just behind us, anxious to see
from whence il came, rested himself on the
top Of our head and peeIed e1citedly down
1POn the rostrum.
Said We: "You venerable old nuisance, If
you don't take your hands OF Of that head
we'll hit you in the face with something"
BE did not appear TO catch the drift of our re-
marks, and we added further "Old man, if
you don't remove yourself hencelY, immedi-
ltely and promptly, time and eternity cannot
ave you from 1T of severe illness"
Another whOOp from the stage riVeted his
attention. Shack Nasty James and band of
lerce-lOOking MOdocs were fling out upon
The rOstrum, and the excitement was intense.
said he: "FricHd, can you tell me which one
d them red skins is Shack Nasty" He was
Still on our head. We tried vainly 70 look him
III the lace. We wanted 70 give him one with
Snng, olghting, scorching, blasting glance.
eald we shack Nasty is the centre Indian,
and If you don't eloin yourself from that dome
o ours wen have him scalp, tomahawk, muir
oer, sssasslnate, burn and annihilate you and
ycuI little ones before another SUD has risen"
stranger" said he, "that's very strange.
won you take nipi' at the same time pull
ing rusty flask from his pocket.
Mr.. Guzzler," said we, don't Won tempt
os again. ior the very next time you do an &C
clQent VIII 5ereft yOuF family NJ {tE s,,rrort |