The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-08-14
THINGS.
II thy enemy wrong thee, buy
each of his children 8 drum.

THINGS.
, If thy enemy wrong thee, buy
each of his children drum.
An Oshkosh Judge got four bar
of soap for marriage fee.
Chicago has sixty fortune tellers,
but not one of them said ''git them
engines ready"
A western paper speaks of its
contemporary as ''the Boone organ
of bottomless stupidity"
The man who went to sleep on q
railroad track, found his rest good
deal broken-and his leg too.
A country editor advises Queen
Isabella to advertise if she wishes
to find the throne she lost some
time ago.
A Stark county, ILL.,, woman COM
mitted suicide the other day because
no circus company has visited her
vicinity for two years.
"Are there any fools in this
town." asked q stranger of q news
| boy yesterday. "I don't know" re-
piled the boy; care you lonesome 2"
Esther Shaw, of Davenport, Ia,
worked thirteen years in one fan1i-
ly before asking for cent of pay.
Needn't write for her; she's dead.
Modern improvements in Persia
The Shah has ordered 8 gnillotine,
gallows, and corps of ballot girls
to be shipped from Europe.
Foolish fathers who send boys
into the country with fowling
pieces and pistols are the best
friends the undertakers have during
vacation season.
An Iowa circus drew big crowd
by::advertising that Schuyler Colfax
would enter the ring on a bet of
$500 that he could ride the trick
mule.
A London trsdesman advertises
himself as "breeches-maker to the
queen" There must be some mis-
take about it. We don't believe the
queen would do such thing.
Success in life is very apt to make
US forget the time when we were
not much.
Sergeant Bates isn't dead. 1T
semees to have been q put up job
on the part of operators to seduce
the American people into getting
up celebration and fireworks.
Out in Wisconsin a horse kicked
onG I-SlIn6 n hob hnR
the citizens made a donation party
enough to last him full horse life
time.
"Sad thing to loose your wife"
said friend to a Vermonter who
stood at the grave of his wife.
DWELL, tolerably sad" replied the
mourner, "but then her clothes just
fit my oldest girl
90 Lord" prayed a Methodist
minister, "keep me humble and
him humble" said the deacon who
next prayed, eve will see to it that
he is kept poorH
A cloud of gloom and sadness
oVerspresd the land, amt newspaper
readers weep. It will be a ycar-a
whole year-befose any more col
lege commandments will thrill the
bosoms of our people.
A district schoolmaster in one of
the upper counties of Michigan,
was asked what algebra he prefer
red, and he replied: "Oh, / amt
particular; most any kind that will
just peel the hide when you strike"
North Platte, Neb., was once a
Virtuous and happy town; not a
people just spent their time in pre-
pairing for heaven. Now all is chang
ed. In an evil moment brass band
was organized.
The Detroit Free Press porfesses
to have discovered a young lady
who bushes, goes to bed at nine,
eats heartily. speaks plain English,
respects her mother, doesn't want
to marry lord, and knows how to
cook.
A peddler called on a Uniontown
lady to dispose of some goods, and
inquired of her if she could tell
him of any road on which no ped
dler had travelled. eyes," replied
she, "I know of one, and that's the
road to Heaven" - Washington
Chronicle.
The pro prietor of a young ladies'
academy in Illinois. has utterly
ruined his business by causing to
be inserted in a large number of
papers, a picture of the building,
with two girls standing on the bal
cony with last years hats on their
heads.
An unhappy husband in Pennsyl-
Vania, who cut his wife's throat,
then plunged knife into his abdo-
men, and forced it to the hilt by
tanning the handle against the
wall, displayed an amount of ener-
gy which would have made his for
tune in the patent medicine bus
mess.
A wag, with the word "whoa, !"
brought horse driven by young
man to a dead stop. ''That's fine
beast of yours" said the wag.
eyes, pretty good sort of an ami
NAL, but he has one fault. He was
once owned by a butcher, and is
| always sure to stop whenever he
hears a calf bleat."
In a Sunday school the other
day, when the basket was handed
around for n collection for the
heather, the teacher was somewhat
surprised to find q bank note in it.
Closer examination revealed the
fact that it was q counterfeit. An
inquiry among the boys brought
to the front one who acknowledged
having handed in the spurious
script. EYES," he said, "but ]
didn't think it made any differ
ence to the heather, they could
pass it off,
/ Henry Clay Dean bathed in the
Missouri last week. The event
was first indicated by the color Of
the water at st. Charles; then deaC
toads and pickerel came floating
down; and at last, it IS reported
that q new sand-bar has formed
just below the spot.-Minneappo
, lis Tribune.
Over at Wsshoe City the othe
) day, some men stopping at the prin
) cipal hotel, while viewing the sur
? roundings of the place, saw {
/ j., u u = -,