The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-04-03
SPLINFERs.

| Why is an andiron like a'yard
stick?-Because it has three feet
Gen. Sheridan never had a cool
stove named after him until this
year.
A singular instance of sceptic
ism is recorded in the case of the
man who said the B iblewas "too
good to be true"
Why was the whale that swal-
lowed Jonah like q retired milk
man? Because he got a profit
(prophet) out of the water.
Fifty million dollars are invest
ed in journalism in the city of
New York. So says some chap
who knows nothing about it.
Among the attractions of q sale
of oil paintings advertised in San
Francisco is picture of General
jackson just from the bath.
A burglar who was found under
q mans bed in Philadelphia ex-
cused himself on the ground that
he was looking for his dog.
'The one thing" says Jean
Paul, (which a maiden most easily
forgets is how she looks-hence
mirrors were invented"
The New York newsboys have
opened their theatre again and the
policemen have had to retreat.
Intellect always triumphs.
Emerson says: "The way to
make the world better is by re-
forming number one, then there is
surely one less villain in the
world"
The Indians have invented a
new method of scalping victims,
so that now a bald-headed man
stands no more show than any
one else. This is as it should be.
A Western paper says of the
air, in it's relations to man: at
kisses and blcsses him, but will
not obey him." Blobbs says the
description suits his wife exactly.
1t was a North Carolina land
lord who posted the notice in his
dining room that members of the
Legislature would be the first seat
ed, and afterward the gentlemen.
A beau in Irisburg, Vermont,
took his girl out for a ride. The
sleigh tipped over and broke her
leg; then the beau sent her home
on a wood sleigh that CHANGED to
come along, and continued his ride
alone.
The journalists will have their
fun, as witness the following from
a Cincinnati paper: "a favorite
amusement at Laramie is slashing
off strangers ears. One blow is
enough for all except Louisville
ears"
Farewell, Susan you have
driven me to the grave" wrote
John Larch, of Alabama, four
years ago, and left the note on
the river bank. He was arrested
the other day in Cincinnati, living
with another woman.
An old maple-sugar maker fears
that "sap'' will be very ''thin" this
spring. lie says the ground has
been so thoroughly saturated with
water all winter that maple-tre
have absorbed too much to yield
good sap.
A solution of gutta-p ercha, if
either thrown on a charcoal, or
crayon drawing, in the shape of
spray, will soon form a transpar-
emit and durable coating, which al
lows the dust to be rubbed OFF oc-
casionally with a wet cloth with
out damaging the drawing.
In q recent case in England, be-
fore the Master of the Rolls, one
eff the counsel spoke Of a licensed
victualler as ''this gentleman"
He was asked when it was that
publicans had become gentlemen,
and replied, "Since the last gener-
al election"
"Well, Sambo, what's yer up to
nowadays?" 80, I is a carp'ner
and finer" "He! I guess yer is.
What department do you per-
formF" ''IYhat department? Why,
I does the circular work" What's
dat?" "Why, 1 turns de grind
stone-g way"
A Kentucky farmer refused to
look at sample sewing machine
not long ago, as he always 'fsewed
wheat by hand" He is related to
the man who did not want a
threshing machine on his farm,
''for," said he, "give me a harness
tug or a barrel stave, and can
make my family toe the mark &C
cording to the law and Scripter."
'FWell, neighbor, what is the
most Christian news this morn
ingp' said q gentleman to friend.
81 have Just bought a barrel of
-four. for poor woman" "Just
like you! Who have you made
happy With your charity this
time?" "My wife,"
Not long ago a clergyman in a
country church not a thousand
miles from Augusta, Ca, after fin
ishing his sermon and announcing
a temperance meeting, said he had
some cotton seed for sale, of q
new variety, which could be had
at - at only one dollar per bag.
Martin Chuzzlewit, who, on his
visit to America, thought he had
been swindled when he found that
the lots he and Mark Tapley had
bought in Eden were ali under
water, should visit this remarka-
BILE country now, when lots known
to be under water bring twelve
thousand five hundred dollars per
acre.
"Mr. Smith, you. said you once
officiated in the pulpit; did you
mean by that that you preached? p
"No, sir, I held the light for the
man who did preach" ssAh, the
Court understood you differently
They supposed that the discourse
came directly from you" ''No
sir, I only threw a little light OF
,, it,"
When is a man thinner than 8
shingle?-When he's a-shaving.
Why is a lover popping the ques
, ton like a tailor running ho
iron over = suit of clothes?-Be
, cause he is pressing a suit.
A young man in "these parts,
who had spent q little of his owl
l time and a good deal of his faith
!: er's money in fitting for the bar