The Pulaski citizen. [volume] (Pulaski, Tenn.) 1866-current, 1874-03-26
FUN AT THE PATENT OFFICE.
Unsupported Genfuses Among Us-Speci-
men Letters to High Officials.
Mrs. Ames' "Ten Years in Washington"

one side OF the commissioner official
life tends to jollity, good digestion and
long life. In no other position IN the
world, probably, could man discover
how many crazy people there are out
side of the lunatic asylum. The born
inventor Is always dreamer. For the
sake of his darling, though, he is will
ing to sacrifice himself, his wife and
his children, everything but the "ma-
chine" growing in his brain and quick
ening under his eager hand. How Of
ten they fail. How often the precious
Thought developed into form, is only a
nnistake-a failure.
Sometimes this is sad-quite as often
it is funny. The procession which
started, far back in the ages, with its
machine of Perpetual Notion" long
ago reached the doors of the American
patent-office. The persons found in
that procession are Pometimes aston
ishing. A doctor of divinity. we'll
known at the capital, and not suspected
of studying any machinery but that of
the moral law, appeared one day in the
Office of the commissioner.
1 know Two got it, he said.
>, What, sir ?"
perpetual motion, sir. Look !"
and he set down a machine. eff the
floor weris not in the way, If the earth
were in the way, my weight would
never stop, and my machine would go
on forever. I know this Is original
with me-that it never dawned before
upon any human mind"
SO enthusiastic was the doctor, it
was with difficulty he could be re-
strained from depositing his ten dol
lars and leaving his experiment to be
patented. The commissioner, quietly,
sent 10 the library for book-a history
of attempts TO create perpetual motion.
Opening at a certain page, he pointed
out to the astonishod wOuld-be inventor
where his own machine had been at
tempted and failed hundred years ago.
The reverend doctor took the book
home, read, digested and meditated
down before the commissioner, in ST.
/ lence. No one has ever heard him
| speak of perpetual motion since.
1t would take a large volume to re-
cord all the preposterous letters and in
ventions received at this Office. A very
short time since a man sent letter to
the patent bureau describing q new pro-
cess of embalming which he had origin
ated. It was accompanied by a dead
baby" the model (which he re-
! quested should be placed in one of the
! glass cases in the exhibition room. He
considered himself deeply injured when
his request was refused.
A letter was recently received by the
commissioner of patents, from q man in
Portsmouth, England, offering this gov
eminent the benefit of an invention of
his own for utilizing Water-power, so as
to force the water to a great height
when confined in reservoirs constructed
for the purpose. He offers the inYen-
tion free of all charge, because, he
states, it pains him to see "such mighty
power as there is at the Niagara wasted.
In addition, he offers his own services
at the low rate of 81, 600 per annum to
build and operate the invention. He
says in his letter that % if the mighty
great power of Niagara was accumula-
ted, it would move a great deal" he
also says that he &c has good plan for
a velocipede and a bicycle that he thinks
would be a good thing for this coun-
try" but admits that people in Eng
land don't like il.
Referring again to his water power,
he claims that if this government would
build the road, he can take ships
across the Isthmus of Panama, +" in a
box, water and all. "
The commissioner recently received
the following communication from the
legation of the United States
PARIS, Dec s, 1872.
Sm-a very large number Of inventions and
discoveries are submitted toihis legation,
with the request that we shall transmit them
to Washington. Most OF them are as you
may suppose, worthless. We have had, for
instance, serious plans for the determination
OF all the lions andtigers in the United States
by the use OF catmint, the mOdus operandi
being to dig an immense pit and fill it with
the herb. The we'll known love Of the feline
race for catmint,wil naturally induce the lions
and tigers TO jump into the pit and roll them
selves upon it /; whereupon concealed hanterE
are to appear and slaughter the ferocious ami
male.
Another plan is for the destruction of grass
hoIpers on the plains by the use Of artillery
It being perfectly well known that conclusion
kills insects.
third is for the capture Of besieged city
by the use Of bomb which.Vupon exploding
shall emit so foul smell that the besiegec
viii rush headlong from the walls, ard All easy
prey to the besiegers.
The president of the United States
receives many letters of like character
which are by him transmitted to the
bureau of patents. append verbatim
copies Gncluding photography of thret
which represent many thousands more Of
equal intelligence received at this de
partment of the government.
AUGUST, 31st, 1872.
Mr.. .. s. GRANT Sir its is with pleas
ure take this opportunity OF writing
to You / am we'll at Present Hoping
these few lines will find you enjoying
Good health And prosperity am doing
all a can for you in this locality and
hope and expect you will be our next
President OF tho United States would
like to have an Office of Siviliseing the
Indians What Salary viii You give me
per Annum please Write to me and let
me know in fact am in need of little
money ct present Will You please send
me 600 or ], 900 dolors to - Sumth-
ing Aught to he done for the poor In
dian And beleaye that can sivelize
them. If you viii give me $50 or 200
per month it viii doe.
MARCH Is 1873
Hos. SIR PREsmENr OF THE UNITED
STATES or AMERICA announce to you
That 1 am inventing Perpetual Motion ]
have once had my patents stolen or /
should had the machine in running or.
der before this and have altered my
plan so that IL carrys and wheel and
when constructed on large plan it viii
move machinery. And being on a new
and different from all others and am
sure of success which hope to place
| DcAOEC the WOrlO soon. 1uOuRu II Con-
sequence of poor health, and not hav-
ing the means TO work with il, it viii
take some months longer to accomplish
it. might write you the plan, but /
am not sure that you viii receive this.
And now wish to answer a few ques-
tions whiea hope you viii answer by
writing as soon as you receive this.
g 1st has there been patent granted
or applied for on perpetual motion
2nd has the Government a bounty Of
fered to the inventor
Sd when the machine is in perfect
running order and Shure that it viii go
without stopping viii you and a man
from the Patent Office come on and
grant me a patent and fetch me a boun-
ty II there Is one.
9th Is there eny way that can have
time to get the machine CONNECTED be-
fore others can have time to apply for q
Patent
Please write soon and address
MAY 1872.
HoN FRHND-Solicitor Of Patents