Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-06-19
HUMOR r.


Little Johnny wanted to 60 to church.
His mother was afraid he would make a
noise, but his father said, Johnny knows
better than to make a noise in church,
So he went. He kept very still till the last
prayer. By that time he had grown tired
of sitting still, and was standing On the
pew-cushion with his back towards the
pulpit. When the lady who was sitting in
the next seat bowed her head for prayer,
Johnny thought she was crying, and his
sympathy got the better of his judgment.
He leaned over and said to the lady in a
tone that was meant for whisper, but
which was only too plainly heard: Poor
lady! What ee matter? Does 90 stom-
NUT ache p
CRowDING THE Seasonal gentleman
who boards on Sycamore street, in Cincin-
natl, went to bed early the other night,
and his wife dropped into the next room to
gossip with the girls. She had just entered
into an animated discussion about how
horrid Miss Blkins looked with her hair
in braids when the gentleman who had
gone to bed suddenly stepped in. The
girls tainted away, and his wife jumped up
and pranced in front of him with her skirts
spread out, shouting: "You ought to be
ashamed of yourself to come into the pres
ence of respectable ladies with nothing but
your shirt and drawers on After losing
a handful Of hair he succeeded in making
them understand that he had only put on
his summer suit of white pants and coat,
and came in to ask her to fix his other
suit.
A Chinaman entered a store at Helena,
Montana, the other day, and walking up
to the counter, deposited grasshopper
thereon, saying as he gazed upon the clerk
with a confding look He too much
hoppee all hoppee-stop him. You sab
bee = The obliging clerk at once COM
menced measuring off mosquito bar, to the
intense delight of the heather. The grass
hopper had been destroying his garden,
and wanting to purchase some musquito
bar. but not knowing the name of the arti-
Gle, he brought the destroyer with him,
and the clerk understood in moment the
article needed.
bashful young man in San Francisco
recently called upon some young lady
friends, and after spending some time i
conversation rose to take his leave. He
was bowling himself towards the door, the
handle of which he seized, with his face
still toward the company, and in another
moment was gone, and the door closed
behind him. Then, to his horror, he dis
covered that in his confusion he had made
for the wrong door, and shut himself upin
a china closet, while the uncomfortable
laughter of the ladies by do means tended
to restore his equanimity.
Says Kentucky paper: In Sharps-
burg, few evenings since, at panorama
of the Bible, a little eight -yea--older sat
wrapped in admiration at the scene until
the picture Of Joseph and Rebecca at the
well appeared, when he looked up and said !:
''Pa, do you see that picture? I'll just
bet five dollars they're grangers.'
The proprietor of a hotel at Havana
offers special attractions to Americans
He announces In this establishment set
as the European style receives dodgers
which will find an splendid assistance so
in eating as in habitation, therefore the
master count with the elements necessary
Scene, Sunday morning Church time
lady and gentleman on their way to the
Sanctuary young gentleman attired in
linen unmentionables.
Young lady, quizzingiy. Somebody has
white pants on.
Young man, innocently,, who p
Young lady, absent-mindedly, sme-oh-
mean you-you hateful-now want YOU
to stop laughing, or I'll get mad at you.'
Mendicant with strong breath, stop
ping passer-by): Please, sir, won't you
give poor fellow the price of loaf of
bread?' Passer-by: 'H'm, let me see it's
fifteen cents glass, believe. Well, here
you have it, and welcome.
Il tell you,' said Wisconsin man to a
eighbor next day after burying his wife.
when [ came to get into bed, and Law thar
and not hearing Lucinda jawing around
for an hour and half, it just made me-
feel as if I'd moved into strange country.
A Scotchman went to LAWYER once fo.
advice, and detailed the circumstances of
the case Have you told me the facts nre-
a;,ol, DC thov occurrnd - acEod a. -
yer. 'O ay, sir, replied he; 1 Thought
best to tell We the plain truth. Ye can
nut the lies into it yourself