Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1874-03-13
Mark Tnain's speech at the Press DInnrr IE
Boston.


LADIES AND GENTLEMEN | don't know
that have the faculty Unborn in Ameri-
cans which Mr.. Kingsley has called YOUR
attenti.n to, but If haven't shall not
take this occasion to confess it. (Laughtcr).
And as only knc, two hours ago that
was to be here. | have naturally come
with no speech, because never knew
man who could deliver an imp-omptu
speech with only two hours to get it up in.
daughter and applauSe.) But the pres
enec here of Mr.. kingsley-Canon Kingsley
his title canon has always been Il puzzle
to me (laughter)- suggests to me an cpl
sodc of my Own. recently, and, as under the
old regime-l don't know what the old
reCime is-when called upon YOU had the
privilege of either telling an aneedote or of
singing a song. Never having succeeded in
singinga song. | am still perfectly willing to
try now but | an afraid it would be dis
agreeable 10 the audience, 50 | will tell
an anecdote When | was crossing over
from England, the other day, there was IL
youth on board about I6 years old. whose
nationality will not expose. who occupied
his entire time eating, when there was any
thing T. eat, and thinking about the next
meal between times. ! don't say he put his
mind ~ il. for he didn't seem to have any
mind. hen sent Out from the table, he
used t. 20 up into the smoking-cabin and
lie around there asking foolish questions.
This boy never asked a question in the
whole voyage that indicated the presence
OF knowledge of any kind whatever, and h5
came 70 be a perfect nuisance to everybody,
and we tried all possible ways of crushing
him and making him stop asking these
foolish questions But as | said, Canon
Kingsley reminds me Of one occasion when
| came up into the smoking room i'll very
IL humoT-not m the hCmur man ought
tp be in 10 listen patiently to silly quc--
tions. The question the boy began
with was aggravating. hecausc any
body knows that the first place II
man goes to when he reaches Lon
don is Westminster Abbey, and the next
place Is SnakespcaTe'S burial ground, and
that this boy should ask me deliberately.
and with such innocence about him as he
had, if, when was in London, | went TO
Westminster Abbey That l. enough tn
make man frantic. said What was
it sou said - "Whcn you were in London
were you at Westminster Abbey ," ''NO.
| .aid, Il stopped at Langham's Hotel"
CLaughter) But. he said, lit Is not
hotel" daughter well" | said
what is it, why, it is church"
said; "A minute ago you said it was an
abbey 'sWell," =" be said lit Is an alb
bey and church too" | said Il don't
know about that. You appear TO DE getting
confused in your statements; how can it b.
an abbey and church at the same time ~
(Laughter There was another gentleman
sitting there, whose nationality | will not
mention. who SAID it was perfectly true
that an abbey and church were the same
thing. said | WIS much obliged To him
-Qaughter) --anj asked him Where
sht 4 -
London?" "Oh yesi' he says, ''of course
it j. in London. You know where the
Parliament buildings are?'' rs it part of
the Parllament?'' No said he ''What
has Parliament got to do with it?'' asked.
1T has not got anything 10 do with it, the
abbey l. clcsc by it. SAID |: DO You
know how tar Westminster Abbey j. from
Langham> Hotel. where | liycd?'' lie
said: Il suppose you know it i some dis
tance'' said |. ''Of course it Is some dis
tauce. Five or SIX miles" said he.
But" said |, didn't You suppose | knew
better than to get up early in the morning
and travel four or FIVE miles e. church.
when there were plenty of churches al.
around2" He said. didn't expect you t.
20 TO church" Said l. What did you to
expect me To do?" lie said Look at che
monuments and things. monuments
of everybody that has done any
thing and is dead Their bodie, are huritd
there" said, - Do you mean To say that
they actually take up the planks and bury
the men under the floor? He said there
were no plankS there. | said, " Do they
bury them right under the seat>?' lie said.
''Of course they do Said |. - Is that
healthy" daughter Well, " he said,
- don t know whethe. it was healthy rr
not they do it in all churches. - said it
was u curious custom; | never heard any
thing like it. If any of my friends were IN
Westminster Abbey | should not want pen
pie sitting round On their tomb>tone>.
(Laughtcr) lie said, You didn't hear
the canon then - - don't remember"
said - | am a man of peace, and don't
know anything about artillery any way"
daughter and applause.) BY this time
the boy had not yet walked up, bat the rest
of the company which had gathered round
had, and 50 we stopped the fun. As there
is no moral to the anecdote won't attempt
to put any to it. Bat. as | said, in the alb
sence of having a speech to make to you, |
thought | would simply tell an anecdOte
in honor Of Canon Kingsley. (Applause.)