The Western advance. [volume] (Worthington, Minn.) 1872-1874, 1874-05-23
CURRENT ITEMS,

ported.
WYOMING has finally decided to call its
female Justices "Justices of the Peaces,"
and TO fine any one who growls about
grammar.
A KANSAS girl wouldn't be married
without yellow ribbon around her waist,
ana boy rode eight miles to get it while
the guests waited.
IT is said that if women didn't talk 80
much most Of them would live to be ninety
years old, but what object would life be
if they couldn't talk
A KENTUCKY farmer says that three
good bulldogs roaming the yard nights
WILL DO more to keep man honest than
all the talking in the world.
A YOUNG, unmarried clergyman, of
Brookport, Pa, offers twenty cords of
wood for a good wife. He retains Just
enough for crematory purposes, in case
she isn't success.
MRS. WILLIAMS, Of La Crosse, talked
too much, and her husband filled her
mouth with waters, but the court decided
that this wasn't no wafer to stop her and
fined Williams $25.
! ONE-HALF the world doesn't know how
the other half lives. For the benefit of
the first half it may be stated that John
Giddey, of Illinois, has eaten nothing but
boiled eggs for six months past. He is
yolked to his idol.
The town Of North Providence, r. L.,
has only one pauper to support. This in
dividual has farm all to himself, with
carriage, horses and cattle, food provided
! by contract, and poOrmaster and family
to take care of him.
THE Brunspicker, Of Missouri, saws ::
"There is an undefnablc something about
some men which commands our respect
whether we see them heading conquer
ing squadron or bending in lowly toll
| over an onion bed"
A PITTSBURGH man sold his wife the
other day for five dollars and second
hand suit of clothes. She heard of the
transaction before the delivery took place,
and his neighbors say it will probably
cost him about fifty dollars to get well
again.
A NAN in the Philadelphia insane asy-
| lum imagines himself q woman He
dresses in female attire and parts his hair
in the middle. During the day he asso-
ciates with the females and does sewing
and embroidery Of the finest kind.
"A DANOOhI uOuSC CdC "dS CIGudICu LuC
other morning. She had crept into the
kitchen oven during the night, and in the
morning got accidentally shut in. When
the oven was opened to bake the break
| fast rolls her remains weighed but thir-
teen and three-quarters ounces.
In Lawrenceburg, Tenn, a tax.collect-
or named Weaver killed Justice of the
Peace Green when the latter wasn't pre-
pared" On his death-bed Green vowed
that he would haunt his murderer night
and day for taking his life without " fair
play" And sure enough the ghost Of the
slain has driven the slayer crazy by its
constant presence. Such is the story.
We observe tendency among news
paper writer's to indulge in redundant ex-
pressions. For instance, the Louisville
Courier: Journal says: "Two physicians
| are in attendance, and it is thought he
cannot recover" It would have been
sufficient in this case to have said simply;
1.-Two physicians are in attendance."-
Ne,o York Mail.
A GENTLEMAN connected with the press
of this city celebrated on the I'd of May
his birthday, his wife's birthday and his
wedding-day. 1t was the twentieth ami
versary. When married, the joint ages of
his wife and himself were fifty years. On
! the last I'd of May the joint ages of his
children were fifty years. These coinci-
| dences are rather rremarkable.-C Cincinnati
Enquirer.
CONGRESSMAN LAMAR spoke like true
patriot when, in rendering the South's
| tribute Of respect to the memory of
Charles Sumner, he exclaimed: "My
countrymen! Know one another and you
will love one another" But, granting
that we possessed that knowledge, how
| many of US could put our hands in our
| pockets and respond to the request for
the loan of quarter with unhesitating
conidence?-Brooklyn argus.
THE Chicago police have found den
where forty boys are kept in charge of an
old scoundrel who is training them to
beggary. He sends them out in the
morning with the understanding that
each boy returns at night with fifty cents
or partakes of fogging in default. The
ages Of the boys range from seven to ten
years, and most of them are hired out by
their parents for one dollar q week to
their Intellectual employer.
THE girls of a California seminary late
ly developed singular fancy for using
three one-cent stamps instead Of the reg.
ular kind upon their envelopes. The
letters were so very plain and matter-of-
fact, and the attempts at evading surveil-
lance in the old.fashioncd way grew SO
scarce, that one inspecting teacher inves.
tigated this whim. And 10! the cunning
creatures had taken to writing tender,
emotional little epistles to their lovers
under the stamps.
A COUPLE of facetiOus drummers who
were on train OF cars that was going
very slowly up sharp Grade near Bur:
lington, VT, the other day, made cohsid.
cradle fun Of the conductor for the slow.
ness with which the cars were moving
and began to amuse themselves by jump.
ing Oft from the rear car and running
around the train. Soon, however, the
cars reached the top OF the hill and began
to spin off at rapid rate. One Of the
men succeeded in jumping on, but the
other was compelled to walk four miles to
the next station.
THE Secretary of the National Associa
ton of Veterans of the Mexican War has
issued circular calling the attention oi
those interested to the fact that an OBJ
stacle has been thrown in the way OF
i obtaining pensions for the surviving vet
Grams of the Mexican War by the probably
extravagant estimate made by the Com
missioner of Pensions of the number o1
such survivors. The circular calls for 8
thorough canvass of every State and Ter
ritory of the Union, through the instru
mentality Of the town, county and State
organizations of the Association, and thu
enrolment as soon as possible of the nam,
of every known survivor, or widow of .
veteran of Mexico, the postoft1ce address