Ashtabula telegraph. (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1874-1880, 1874-11-07
Josh Billings on Hotels.

| - From Nast's- Almanac for 1875 :
Hotels are houses of refuge, homes for
the vagrants, and married mans retreat
and the bachelors tireside.
They are kept in all sorts of ways ;
some the European plan, and many of
them on no plan at all.
! You Will diskover the following de-
| skription a mild one oV about 8 hotels
| out oY 10 between the Allanuk and Pa
click 0shGns, akrost the United States in
IA straight line.
Your room il 13 foot inches by foot
z inches, parallelogramly. --.- --,---r---'
1t being court week las Hsual) all the
| good rooms are employed bi the lawyers
and judges.
| Your room is on the utteFmost floor.
Your carpet IL ingrain-ingraineG with
the dust, kerosene lie, and ink spots of
| generashuns. q s.+..-
There il two pegs in the room few
hitch coats ONTO, one .ov them broke oph
and the other pulled out, and missing.
The buro has three legs ard one
brick.
The glass tew the burO swings on two
pivots, which have lost their grip.
There is one towel on the rack, thin,
but wet -'-i . ~
The rain water in the pitcher come out
ov the well. ~
The soap Il az tuff tew wear az whet
stone. .,t T. \ II. = 81
The soap il scented with cinnamon lie
and varigated with spots. -..-... ..
There il three chairs, kane seeters; one
is a rocker, and all three are busted.
Thare il match box, empty. liIilt 2.
Thare is no kurtin teW the WIndo, and
there don't want to be emmy Yu kant see
out, and who kan see in '''
The bell rope is cum oph about inch
es this side ov the ceiling.
The bed IL a modern slat bottom, with
two mattresses, ohe. cotton, and one husk,
and both hard and about as thick as sea
biskitt.
Yu enter the bed sideways, and kan
feel every slat at once, az easy az you
could feel the ribs of gridiron. ...
The bed il inhabited.
You sleep sum. but roll over good
deal 49, - -s--i ---' 1F 90 oh
For breakfast you have a gong and
rye koffee tew kold to melt butter, fride
potatoze which resemble the chips a two
inch auger makes in its journey through
an oak log.
Bread solid beefstake about az thick
az blister plaster, and tuff as hounds
ear.
Table covered with plates. a few scared
to death pickles on one oY them and
fly-indorsed crackers on another. Lfl-
A pewterinktom castor with three bot
Ties in it, one without emmy mustard and
one with two inches of drowned flies and
vinegar in it.
Servant gall, with hoops on, hangs
round you earnestly, and wants to know
if you'll take another cup oV koffee.
You say mo NON, thank you," and
push back your chair. -eg 15- --F
Yu haven't eat enuff tu pay5for pick
ing yure teeth.
l am about as self-konsaited as it will
do for man tew be and not crack open
but never yet consulted that 1 could
keeps hotel. had rather be hiway-
man than tew be some landlords l have
visited with.
There are hotels that are ajey upon
earth WHARF man pays hiz bills az
cheerfully as he did the parson who
married him WHARF yu kant find the
landlord unless you hunt in the kitchen
WHARF servants glide around like angels
ov mercy; where the beds fit mans
back like the feathers on goose and
WHARF the vittles taste just az tho yure
wife or yure mother he'd fried 'em.
Theze kind ov hotels ought tew be bilt
on wheels, and travel around the kuntrY.
They are as phull oV real comfort az
Thanksgiving pudding; but alass yes,
alass! they are az unplenty az double
yelked-eggs. ...... ..r n.I.I.. 4