Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1874-08-20
PHUNNYGRAMS.


=" Another hole in them pants" said a
fond mother to her young. hopeful.
"What dreadful on-kneesy fellow you
arem
=" Kate, | understand you have ac-
cepted situation as goyerness. Rather
than that l would marry a widower with
six children" Yes, dear Sophie, and
so would l, but where's the widower:"
=" Why, Ichabod, l thought you got
married mOre'n a year ago. Wen,
Aunt Jerush, it was talked Of, but l
found out that the girl and all her folks
were opposed to it, and so l just give
'em all the mitten and let the thing
drop"
=" Do you believe there are any people
who never heard the Old Hundred" "
asked a musical young lady at the fam
lily table. Lots of folks never heard
it, interrupted the precocious younger
brother. Where are they, should like
to KnOw?o In the deaf and dumb asy-
lums,"
A medical advertisement is headed:
Looks Like a Miraclel A Young Man
Made to Walk in Five Minutes" But
Augustus thinks that is no great miracle
compared to his experience the other
evening when he went to see his girl.
The old man came in and made him walk
in less than one minute.
After the prosecuting attorneys had
heaped vituperation upon the poor pris-
oner without counsel, the Judge asked
him if he had anything to say for him.
self. Your Honor" replied the pris-
oner, L ask for postpOnement for
eighteen days in order that | may find a
BLACKBOARD to answer that one there.'
"A college professor encouraged his
geology class to collect specimens, and
one day they deposited piece Of brick,
streaked and stained, with their collec-
tions, thinking to impose on the doctor
Taking up the specimens the professor
remarked: "This is piece Of baryta
from the Cheshire mines" Holding up
another, "This is a piece Of feldspaI
from the Portland quarries; and this,
coming to the brick, is a piece of i'm
pudence from some member of the class.
"A young minister and his wife visited
the congregation where his father was
previously the pastor. He preached on
the Sabbath, and after service one Of the
minister's wife, said: Your husband
preached from the same text that his
father had the last time he was in that
pulpit" Indeed" replied the lady, g." !
hope it was not the same sermon, too
ooh, no." said the good elder, "his faith
er was a dreadful smart man! "-IrenCeus
IN n. 7. ObserUa.
-"And when in after days." said a
learned counsel in the courtroom, eve
meet together around the social hearth
-Io, 7 .l,o1 ha Inv
the heat and burden of the day, and you
gentlemen, will find yourselves in other
scenes than this, at rest from arduous
Iabors, then, as we talk together of by
gone times, may you be able to say that
the first thing you did on returning to
the iury-room was to unanimously agree
that YOU could place no reliance what
ever upon the testimony of that man
Smith"
A teacher, wishing to improve the
occasion, said tosthe boys at the conclu-
sion of strawberry festival: Have you
enjoyed these berries to-day" g Yes,
sir, !" g Yes, sir" came from all sides,
with unmistakable heartiness. "Well,
children, if you hal seen these berries
growing in my garden, and had slipped
in through the gate without my leave,
and picked them from the vines, would
they have tasted as good as now?" mo,
sir" was the prompt reply. why not? y
Because" said one of the boys, then
we shouldn't have had sugar and cream
with 'em!"
"A one-legged soldier, Mormon, re-
Gently asked Brigham Young to supply,
by miracle, the missing limb; but the
apostle, not to be caught, made this re-
ply: Il can in an instant produce a new
leg in the place of the old one, but then
you see, if do, it will cause great incon-
1enience to you in heaven; for after your
eNaltation to glory the original leg will
come back to the spiritual body; mine
also being of Divine origin becomes inn
mortal, and, in this case, observe how
very awkward d tnree-legged angel from
Utah would appear among the inhab-
itants of the eternal world"