Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-09-11
H u M 0 Il j..

family in town was awakened by Unusual
noises in the house, and on turning OUT
saw the eldest hopeful rushing about III
his suspenders, brandishing new Westoh'
and shouting. ''There is Il man in the
house" A long search failed to sho" any
foundation for the young mans wafllNe
demonstration, when he mildly INFORMED
the breathless and exhausted tribe thaC IL
was his birthday. He was tWenty-one'
ltAnd when in after days." said learn
ed counsel in the courtroom, I'VE meet
together around the social hearth, where
I shall no longer be oppressed by the heat
and burden of the day, and you, sentle-
men, will find yourselves i'll other scenes
than this, at rest from arduous apofs'
then. as we talk to gethel of by-gone times,
may you be able to say that the 1rst tiillls
you did on returning to the jury room was
to unanimously agree that you co'tlo
place no reliance whatever upon the testl-
mony of that man smith,
A BROOKLYN young woman who apah-
doned her old husband, says: HE was
too soft. [ couldn't be hugging and KISS
ING him all the while-it isn't my DISPOSE
tion. I couldn't bear to be obliged to sit
on his lap and cuddle him every time L
wanted cent"
A man who was about to be hanged III
Alabama, sang, as he stood with the moose
about his neck: ooh, the bright angels
are waiting for me!'' Whereupon the To-
cal editor fiendishly wrote: "And the an
gels stirred up the fire and looking brighter
than ever"
The remark of little eight year old
was in accordance with the wish Of many
people during the hot days of last month.
s.Mother," he said, Il wish [ was built
like hen coop, ont Of laths. and the
breeze could blow right through me-"
Harry. after looking on while his little
new sister cried at being washed anu
dressed, turned away, saying, III she
screamed like that UP in Heaven, don't
wonder they sent her Off
A new game called ''GraEger seven-up
is announced. Three persons play for
can of oysters. The first man gets the
oysters. the last man out gets the oyster
can and the ssmiddle-man" don't get any
thing.
An American, teaching English TO. a
German, met his request for specimen OF
an English irregular verb, thus: 81 go,
thou wentest, he departed; we made tracks,
YOU cut sticks, they skedaddled,'
1t is startling mystery how the pres
ence of an old maid and bald headed man
will cast d gloom over picnic party
which even picked CLANS can only partial
ly dispel.
A Massachusetts man has been in Il sue
cessful business forty-nine years, and never
advertised The business consist chiefly
in lying abont his neighbors.
"What do you think is the best size for
a man ?" drawled lazy fop who was talk
ing to his physician. Exercise stern
ly replied the doctor.
''Sixty dollars for thrashing ma
chine.' exclaimed Il boy, when he saw
the card on one for sale ''wly, monteT
only paws So pair fer her slppers'
A Michigan lady who visited the Hoo
sac tunnel lately. was not able to put on
the No. 10 rubber boots which are provil-
ed for visitors.
The excuse of a young lady to her min
lister who caught her mapping was, Don't
YOU think ladies had better be fast asleep
than fast awake 20
'sAnother hole in them pants - said
fond mother to heryoung hopeful. ''Wlat |
a drefful on kneesy fellow you are -
The most serious charge yet against M
Reecher is that he was the first man to Of
fer a chrome to subscribers. !
Minstrel troupes now dispense with
s'middle men, while performing in the
country, in Difference to the Changers.
'Come around. | will achieve a moth
er-in-law at O'Clock sharp" was the in
vitation sent out by Milwaukee man.
An Albany saloon keeper keeps clubs
and sto es Oh the counter, SO that his cus-
toners won't throw his tumblers at each |
other.
Forty Iowa school ma ANS couldn't tell |
what an abstract question was, but every |
one of them understood the meaning of |
pop the question.
A Louisville gentleman says, ''There is
about dogs [ never could get
used tor He alludes to feas, probably. |
A Milwaukee woman, far gone with
begged the doctor to give
her something that would keep her up UNI
til the verdict of the Beecher Committee
was published.
TO obtain a postage stamp at NIAGARA
hotel requires a five minutes strug gle
with tive negroes and bald-head' book
keeper.
Had you, SIR said Henry Erskine to
4 dilatory carpenter, "been there to build |
the ark, we should not have had the fl od
YETI
Burd Grubh is the owner of Newport |
yacht so they call him Canary Seed.
Ii has been noticed that nothing makes
a woman laugh 50 much as new set of |
teeth.
Why are the Marys tile most amiable of
The sex? Because they can always be
Mollyfed.
''Do not sing that song again. is the