Omaha daily bee., 1874-05-07

A. ID. 1900. Scene before a ere
nation undertaker's shop; Small
boy-"I say, sir, is dad done yet?
If he is, please put his ashes in this
'ere tin kettle"
She Nuhon Hawaii, of Honolulu,
saws: ssOne of our legislator, was
very much put out on account OF the
riot. He was put out ola two story
window"
Nevada papers recall the time
when Senator Stewart was q waiter
i'm a restaurant there, and yet the
Senator doesn't remember the
idyllic circumstance.
Hotel clerks who desire positions
at Northern watering places will
please apply in writing, and state
the size of their diamond pins.
The Brooklyn Argus thinks that
the story concerning the immense
size of Mrs. Bismarck's feet, must
have created great curiosity among
the Chicago ladies.
A teacher asked an advanced
schoolgirl why beer in French was
feminine. She replied that it was
probably owing to the fact that the
boys liked it SO well.
A bolt Of lightning struck Parson
BrownlOw's house i'm Knoxville the
other night, but after finding that
the parson was absent, it went out
by way of the cellar.
An Oswego paper describes a fire
by saying that 'the red flames
danced in the heavens and flung
their fiery arms about like a
black funeral pail until Sam Jones
got on the roof and douced them
out with a pail of water"
"Oh!"- said a poor sufferer to a
dentist, that's the second wrong
tooth you've pulled out" every
sorry, SIR" said the laundering OPP
orator; ''but there were only three
when l began; / an sure to be
right next time"
A regularly arranged dog fight
was broken up recently in Sioux
City by a Newfoundlander. He
rushed into the ring and separated
his cOmbative brothers by persua-
sively chewing their ears.
A bright youth in Richmond,
Kentucky, learning that gas was to
be introduced, and observing the
wOrkmen digging out places for the
pipe, inquired of one of them chow
deep they would go down before
they struck gas"
professor" said q student in
pursuit of knowledge concerning an
imals. "Why does a cat, while
eating, turn her head first one way,
and then another" .For the reas-
on" replied the professor, "that she
cannot turn it both ways at once"
The young married man who
found himself at the theatre, the
other evening, with feet encased in
steel-cOlored boots, from a liberal
application of stove backing i'm the
dark, wants to know show long the
housekeeping business is going to
last, any way"
A man named Button died recent
ly In Southern Berkshire, Mass,
and, when the sexton started out
with pick and shovel, somebody
asked him what he was going to do.
"GOing to make a ButtOn-hOle,"
was the not very grave reply
A young lady who entered a
Broadway music store and asked
the young man i'm attendance,
"Have you Happy Dreams ?" was
astOnished when he replied: ono,
ma'am, Pm mostly troubled with
the nightmare" He didn't know
why she went out so hurriedly and
slammed the door after her.
A new parasol has a dagger in it,
handle-a natural result of George
Alfred TOwnsend's umbrella charge
on the gentle Walker. And, by
the way, an exhibition of the dag
ger will doubtless be a polite invita-.
ton to the young man of the period
to Walkerway from there.
A Detroit gentleman prides him
self on his fine fowls, and his neigh
Dor is equally vain of a fine coach
dog. The dog worries the life out o.
the chickens. A few days ago the
owner of the dog received the fol.
lowing note: Friend = You keeI
dogs, l keep chickens. Ifmy chick.
ems worry your dogs, shoot 'em.
A young bachelor who had beer
appointed sheriff was called upon
to serve an attachment against 9
beautiful young widow. He &C.
cordingly called upon her, and said
MADAM, 1 have an attachment fol
you.' The widow hlushed, and SAID
that his attachment was recipro.
Gated. "You don't understand me:
you must proceed to court ~
know it is leap year. sir, but / pre-.
fer you to do the courting." "Mrs
P this is no time for trifing
the justice is waiting" "The jus.
tice! why, l prefer a parson."
There is a bush story Of a Negro
who, for a bottle of rum, agreed to
strip to the waist and lie on his face,
to be bitten for a quarter of an hour
by mosquitoes, at the Jogging OF
New Brunswick. He endured bis
pests manfully, and had near won
his prize, when one of the lumber
man who stood by laid on him a
piece of live charcoal, which the
negro wriggled and twisted about
frightfuily; at last, unable to hold
out any longer, he jumped up, call
ing out, "Whooh. not bargain for
dat; dat is dragon fly" Lumber
men play sad tricks on the negroes
sometimes. AT acolOred tea-drink-
ing a lumberman slipped a plug of
tobacco into the kettle, when an old
negress who presided called out,
"Mo' water! mo- water! too 'trOng
for missa 'tomach."