The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-12-19
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.


When the body of a Duluth man is hauled OF
OF the lake, il is an even bet between the Corone
and the Jury that the deceased has either glas
eye or copy of speech by Proctor Knott i
his pocket -BroOk|yn irgus.
A tame goat will eat up a pair of pants, tw
pair of socks, two shirts, an apron and nigh,
Richmond Enquirer.
Bring forth my fiery, untamed steed,' said he
and the boy led out slab-slded mule, that hat
70 be stuffed to keep him from cutting the har
ness.-Ameaaa Times
Colchester lady says she does not allow her
daughter to use the Danbury Nears for cprl pa
pers, as it fills her head full OF jokes Her re-
Covery is doubtfu.-Hdrtfor1 Post.
We know q man in Whitehall who is so tick
lish that his tailor can never measure him with.
out first administering chloroform.-W hifchaH
Times.
Girls hearts now a. days get tough early, and
the young man who breaks one feels as proud as
II he were born to occupy glass show case in
the patent office .-Brooklyn Argus.
II week slips by without New York Herald
CORRESPONDENT getting arrested and imprisoned
in Spain, 1t is pretty safe to infer that the Span
ish Republic is in jeopardy -Necto,cn HeruH.
A slumbering Detroitcr is said to have snored
so loud that the police thought it was horse
groaning' We should like to know what the
police were doing awake that time of night
An elderly man named Cass, living up toward
Florence, tried TO find church in Utica Sunday
night such q desire was considered by the
Utica police TO be entirely out Of the ordinary
course of affairs, and she locked the old man up
as drunk and dsorderly character.-Rome
Sentinel.
The poet who sent an ehrlsion, entitled Moth
ing but Flowers to paper for publication, is
on the ragged edge of modification. The poem
appeared as Nothing but Fleas.' When the
conpostor was reasoned with, he said he
thought there ought to be something lively
about the poem Wash. Cap.
The frugal colored citizen, when occasion re.
GuireS him to cease smoking, deposits his half
burnt stump behind his ear.-Sdr. NetrS.
Why, Just look-a man while ago advertised
three bushels of grapes on the vines, and the
boys stole every grape before morning. WmSted
HerGd
The Denver .NeicS records this incident for the |
benefit Of those who doubt womans constancy:
A man was about dying in this city, and an
acquaintance sent the following telegram to his |
wife, who was in Chicago Your husband is
dying. Come quick She coOlly replied: Can't i
20 now. If he dies hand him over to the Masons;
he's one Of them The man died. The wife has
not been heard from since
Mark Twain will make another attempt to !
walk TO Boston barefooted. He thinks he would |
have accomplished it the first time if the clergy
man who accompanied him had not stopped so
often to pray.-Broo1ly Argus.
\ Maryland man whose wife dropped dead
few days ago, had the funeral put Oft one day
longer TO get the balance Of his corn husked He
sai il WDultD't mako N difference IN hpr rs |
she WAS always good.natured.-Dttoa Press
The Evansville Journal adyertises lead pencils
for sale. Does this mean that hereafter the pa.
per viii be exclusively edited with shears?-
TIRE Hd'He Gd=ette.
Cincinnati has n policeman named Kidney,
and when he growls about his salary the com.
missioners look upon it as the Kidney com
plant.
According to the talk in spiritual circles Mr.
declaration that lie would pillow up
the theatre in its foundation. in defiance of all
earth and hell has led TO such a commOtiOn In
the region OF Lost Spirits that Satan has been
obliged to read the riot act.--Brookim A,guS.
Beccher Tilton is dead He was an infant, and
died in an ams.house But his name still lives.
-NcrtOwa HTaM.
Boston is the place to look for instances of
Glial affection, \ dutiful son in that town had
the hack engaged for his mothers funeral IS
days before she expired
General Sheridan declines TO run for the presi.
lency. He says he has no time for trfes. II is
ust as much as he can do to receive reports of
Indian battles and look out for his wifc.-Er
A verdant country editor is TO use his own
words, delighted to see New York is improving
IN It's religious and moral character He goes
into ccstacIes and writes near a column because
he sees so many sacred concerts announced for
each Sunday evening.
\ weekly paper in this state describes the edi.
tor of the other paper AS "a bleareyed hitching.
post, goat,faced gunny sack, 4 wart.carcd
bunghole for cider barrel, and plaster cast
for tie poop deck of a canal boat There must
have been dearth of society news that week.
This comes from Oregon:
There is a Postmaster from Salem,
Who resembles the beast rode 10y BALKAN;
lie pays for his hash
With the government cash, Il
That he stole when he sailed out of Salem.
That Terre iaute gazette fellow las changed
the heading over his maunderings from Gazette.
lets TO 'Goosequll Gossip Tie has now only
~ eIsP nv VuiA part 10 make inc illlC per- II
feet.
One Of the editors OF the Milwaukee S,.tita
tells US that lie has been struggling with his Il
moustachc Tor two years, and yet IL now consists
Of but nine hairs. He ought TO know, occupy
ing the position he does, that respectable
mOustache can't be produced without brains
LDu. COur.-JOur
Well, we don't propose TO exhaust our brains
in that way. II the editor of the COt,';erJ ouy.H
had any brains 10 start with, he must have A
ieErfuly long mOustache--aS he has squandcred L
none Of Ms brains in his editorial columns 49,
Nd Sat-
Miss Thingamyjig, the charmin. aud accom-.
plished belle of Milwaukee avenue, has par of
new shoes-prescntcd by her father, the able |
drayman. Chi JOtr.
Yesterday was windy, aud Il was Il splendid
time 10 settle the question us To whether mono
gram carriers are worn But il was just our fool
luck 10 be laid up with the rhcLmatism.-.UG.
Sent.
II IS mentioned for the benefit of the St Louis
JDHrh1i man, that lime water and tea leaves will