The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-09-11
TnH NNGS

Inc nearest approach to conf
fence game Is pulling a mules tail.
Burd Grub is tue owner of a |
NSewport yacht so they call hi
canary Seed. ~ SO 90
A man advertises in a New Yora-
paper Tor bar-keeper, "who must
De recommended by his PASTOR,
"Had You, sir" said Henry Era
Klne TO adilatory- carpenter, E'been
there to build the ark. We sbonId
not have had the flood yet"
A California temperance associa-
llon limits the beverages of its
members to wine, beer and cider.
except when laboring under a
sense or encouragement, and then
Whlskey will be allowed"
"Look ERE now, Salusha, "yeIled
Clay county, Missouri, woman TO
the oldest girl, "don't bend over
that well SO fur. You'll fall in
there some of these days, and then
we'll have to carry water"
One reason why Wisconsin hired
girls get four dollars per week, is
because they haye to 90 down
stairs at midnight to investigate
strange noises while the man of the
house takes up position under the
bed.
When they tried TO force Miss
Gay, of Independence, Missouri, in
to q marriage against her will, she
kicked the minister's hat of,
knocked the young man down, and
rode oil on a mule, with one foot
on each side of him.
A subscriber asks our CONNER
cial man to quote the wholesale
price of soda bottles. He says he
can't afford to pay five cents apiece
woOdshed Is the headquarters of all
the cats in the neighborhood.
When a Tennessee husband will
horsewhip his wife for washing po-
tatoes in his Sunday plug hat, it is
time to inquire whether this 9ener-
alton of men isn't getting to be too
COMPOUNDED heightened for the are
of the country?
Mrs. Tracy, of Missouri, had been
sick long time, and Tracy had her
collin in the barn. When she died
the collin was found four inches too
short, and the neighbors wouldn't
even let him saw four inches off the
body 10 make fit.
1t is said of Katie King, the Phil
adelphia ghost, that Oh one occas-
ion a man attempted to clasp Ka.tie
in his arms. She seemed greatly
distressed and slipped from his EN-.
brace like a shadow AMI did not ap.
pear again that evening. THAI
right, Katie.
Because the authorities of Cedar
Rapids, in Iowa, won't sprinkle the
streets, the Cedar Rapids Times has
got its back up and'refuses to pub.
lish any thing about the BeecheI
business. Nothing like independ.
ent journalism for bringing people
to their senses.
The Milwaukee Sentinel relates
that while prominent preacher OF
that city was recently making 8
pastoral visit, the lady brought out
number OF engravings she had
just purchased. The cautious pas.
tor flew through the front door
and sent his boy around for his hal
afterward.
"I our handwriting is very bad
indeed" said gentleman to 9
friend more addicted to boastine
than to study; "you really ought ia
learn 10 write better" CAV, ay,'
replied the young man, at is al
very well for you to tell me that
but IL / were to write better, peo-
pie would find out how | SPELL
A Yankee poet thus breaks
forth: Obi the snorc, the beauti.
full snore, filling the chamber from
ceiling TO floor! Over the coVerIet
under the sheet, from her wee dim.
pied chin to her pretty feetl Now
rising aloft like a bee in June; now
hute-like subsiding. then rising
again, is the beautiful snore of Eliz.
abeth Jane"
"What is this fOr?" asked the col
ored porter at the-Hotel, Long
Branch, the other day, holding out
a twenty-five cent note given him
by the gentleman addressed for
carrying up his trunk. "That, y
said the gentleman, taking the note
and putting it back in his pocket
"was for your trouble and this is fol-
your impudence," and he kicked
him eleven feet, nine inches and g
half into the hallway!
can old man and his wife who
came il. by the Central road yester.
day morning, saw about thirty
hacks at the door of the depot, and
about thirty hackmen shouting
'HackP at them. The man took il
all as q high compliment, and turn.
ing to tho old lady he said, Il tel
you, mother, they think we arc
something great, or they'd never
had all these carriages down here
to meet MS. j wonder how they
knew we were coming ?"-Detroit
Free Press.
NEAT AND SENTn1ENTAL.-A
gentleman who thinks it high time
that the little "Johnny" poetr,
should give place to something
neater and more fully charged witt
sentiment, sends Harper's Monthly
the following as largely combining
both:
Oh, bury Bartholomew out in the woods
In beautiful hole in the ground,
. Where bumble-beeS buzz and the wood
| peckers sing
And the straddle-bugs tumble around
SO that in winter, when the snow and tn,
| slush
Have covered his last little bed,
His brother Artemus can go out will
Jane
And visit the place with his sled.
l
The Hoodlum is the pest of San
Francisco. The HOodlum is a young
corner fowdy who insults ladies,