The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1874-11-13
THE TALE OF A DEFEATED
CANDIDATE.

THE TALE OF A DEFEATED
CANDIDATE.
How John Cain Got His Eye.Teeth
CuI as Ward Politician.
From tho Detroit FREQ P.esG1
John Cain was quiet, unobtrusive cit.
zen. Hc didn't long for fame and re-
nOTu, and he didn't care two cents
whether this great and glorious country
was ruled by onehorse republican or a
Two horse democrat.
HIS VIRTUES.
lie had pew in church, gave sixteen
ounces for q pound, and when q man
looked him square in the eye Mr.. Cain
never took q back seat. He was home
at reasonable hour In the evening, never
took part 10 the discussion, as lager
healthy?' and many Q man wished that
bis lie rolled on as evenly and peacefully
IS John Gains.
But, ALAS!
the tempter came. In an evil hour John
Cain allowed the politicians 10 get alter
him and 10 surround him. They said he
Was the strongest man In the country; that
he could scoop out Of his boots any man
set up in opposition; that his virtues were
many and his faults 10000; that 1t was his
duty TO come out and take a nomination
in order that this pure and incorruptible
'Orm OF government be maintained pure
sud incompatible. All this and much
more they told him, and John Cain
DECAME PUFFED UP.
1t surprised him some 10 think that he
held his peaceful way along for forty odd
years, like kuol-hole In q barn door,
without any one having discovered what
heap OF fellow he was, but he conclu-
ded that there was q new era in politics
aud that it was all right.
THEY DAMDoozLRD HIM.
The politicians covered John Cain
wiihsott soap. They told him that the
clnvass shouldn't cost him o red, and
that he could still retire al 8 o'clock eve
~ evening and rest assured that his inter
isis would be properly cared for. It was
to be q still hunt-a very quiet election
and he would hardly know what was go
Ing on. John was an honest, unsuspect-
Ing idiot, and he swallowed sbeir words
as the confdiDg fish absorbs the bsited
hook.
TIE PLOT THICKENS.
John Cain was duly nominated and the
band came out and serenaded him. With
the band came several hundred electors,
who filled the Cain mansion TO overflow
ing, spit tobacco all over the house, ate
snd drank all they could find, broke
down the gate, and went of with three
cheers for John OsiD.
wANTRD SUGAR.
Before tho canvass was ten days old
halt a dozen men called on Cain and
gently limited 10 him that he must come
down with the sugar" He didn't even
know what sugar" was until they ex-
planned. They wanted money to raise a
pole, 10 buy beer, 10 get slips printed, and
to do fifty other things with, all for his
particular benefit, and he had 10 hand
out money.
THE COMBAT DERPENs.
In the course Of another week they
drew Cain out TO make o speech at a ward
meeting. He tried 10 draw of, but they
told him the opposing candidate would
run him out Of sight il he didn't come
out, and he went out. When he got
through speaking the crowd drank at his
expense, and Mr.. Cain was astonished at
the way the liquor went down, and more
astonished at the way the bill footed up.
He didn't reach home until midnight, and
for the first time in his lie he was going
to bed with his boots on, His wife couldn't
speak to him, the hired girl left the house
to save her character, and John Cain
wished the politicians had let him alone.
INCREASE OF CURRENCY.
More men came and crooked their fln-
gers at him and whispered sugar" They
wanted money to buy some doubtful
votes, and 10 hire iourhorse teams, and
10 mail his slips, and he had to come
down. He hesltated about 1t, but they
told him that the opposing candidate felt
sure Of victory, and that acted as spur.
WARM HEARTED FRIENDs.
There was hardly night that from IA
10 24O friends did not call on Mr. Cain to
inform him as to the prospects" They
drank up the currant wine Mrs. Cain had
laid BY for sickness, emptied her preserve
Jars. and there wasn't morning that she
didn't sweep out 40 to 80 cigar stubs and
pack Of mud. They all told Cain that
he could beat the other man so far out Of
sight that 1t would take carrier pigeon
TO find him, and he couldn't very well re.
Iuse 10 go over 10 the corner grocery and
set EN- up" Tor the boys.
THE CRISIS
finally came. On theeve OF election Mr.
Gains friends called for Sugar again
and he had to sugsr EN-. A big Grove
called to warn him that he would Ger.
tainly be elected, and the saloon bill wa
s2S more. Thirteen or fourteen mel
shook hands with his vile, hundred O
more shook hands with him, and he hat
to get up and declare that he didn't iavo
woman's rights and that he did. Tha
he was down on whisky, and yet loved /
asa beverage; that he wanted the cur
reucy inflated, aud yet favored speci
payments, that he favored the civil.right
oIll, and yet didn't and in his brief speed
Airs. Gain counted twenty seven straigh
lies, besides the evaslons, Mr.. Cail
wanted to hold popular views, and b
had to be on all sides at once.
RLEcTIoN DAY.
On the day Of the election they dragpe,
him from poll to poll, stopping at ali III
saloons on the way. he had to max
$1,000 promises, pull his wallet until
was as fat as q wafer, drank lager wit
some and cold water with others, an
when night came he went hOme and trip