Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1874-05-14
PHUNNYGRAMS.

Judge" Have you anything to offer
to the court before sentence is passed up
on your" PrisOner-"No, Judge, I had
ten dollars, but my lawyers took that"
"A young lady whose heart bounded
within her at the statement that certain
young man looked intensely" felt it
fall when the narrator, finishing the SEN
tence, made it intensely English"
"A gentleman visiting an Irishman
observed monster pig strutting about
the house, and asked how they got such
brute up those two stairs'' "May it phase
yer honor" said Paddy, ait was never
down to be tux up"
Mrs. Peter Piper's baby was making
tremendous noise, and a friend asked
Peter why it was so cross. at has q
stormy mother" said Peter with a sigh;
"you needn't wonder if it's a little
squally"
The hotel keepers at Niagara are dis.
cussing plan to stop tourists five miles
from the falls and stuff their ears with
cotton to prevent them hearing the roar
without first paying fee of three dol
lars.
=" You cannot taste in the dark said
lecturer. mature has intended us to
see our food" "Then," inquired a for.
ward pupil, chow about blind man al
dinner?" Mature, SIR" answered the
Professor, "has provided him with eye.
teeth"
"A little four-year-old girl went run.
ming into the house the other day, ex
claiming, " Mamma, mamma, I've seen
Jack Frost I've seen Jack Frostr'
Where did you see him, my darling ?'
queried the mother ooh, | saw the tip
of his tail hanging over the caves" She
had seen an icicle.
This is what the Louisville Courier
Journal is responsible for: An exchange
tells US that Mr.. Palmer, of Saratoga
County, n. Y, swallowed four false teeth
the other day, and seven or eight wise
doctors are gradually killing him in the
effort to get them up" Why don't they
tie a rope round some small-sized den.
list and let him down there with grab.
hook?
We observe a tendency among news.
paper writer's to indulge in redundant ex.
pressions. For instance, the Louisville
Courier Journal says: 1.-TWO physicians
are in attendance, and it is thought he
cannot recover" 1t would have been
sufficient in this case to have said simply
1.-TWO physicians are in attendance. "-
Neu York Mall
"A young Boston mechanic saw an
overcoat in a secondhand clothing store.
which he thought he would be glad to
possess at a reasonable price. "How
much ?" he asked. "Twenty-one dollars },
was the answer The usual haggling
took place, and the mechanic started to
leave the store. Glow much you gif?''
asks the merchant. "Three dollars
Take it, then. | shall shust be ruin of
myself. l only make two dollars on dat
coat, 20 help me gracious"
A day or two ago Jones was iniudi-
ciously full" Being painfully aware of
his inebriety, he endeavored to conceal it
from the public by buttoning his coat up
very closely, imparting an abnormal stiff.
ness to his knees, and tripping over his
own heels. He stalked up to street car,
walked briskly in just as the horse started
forward-and instantly tumbled out again
backward without unbending muscle
Straightway he recovered the upright
splashed with mud, and re-entered. seat,
ing himself beside an acquaintance, max
ing no sign of his mishap. Presently he
turned 10 this individual and queried
Klizshun?'' "No." He considered q
moment and then again asked: "Ofthe-
track?" "No." More refection-sleepi.
~ then: Runoveraprespice? ~ mo-
"Splozhn 81 ono" SomnOlent cogita.
ton amy acc'ndt?" "Not all ALL
He took this piece of information into
his intellectual NAV, and, digesting it,
concluded that he must be very drunk in
deed. Anxious to cover up the disgraceful
fact and turn the matter off respectfully
he shortly turned again with the bland
observation: " Well, if I'd anone that
[ wooden a got out"