The Milan exchange. (Milan, Gibson County, Tenn.) 1874-1978, 1874-09-24
NUMBER 80.
Matrimonial Misery.

dissolve the marriage bonds of the human
race and give to every married couple Il
chance TO separate, without suffering in
jury from law or public opinion. if they
would. 1t is very certain tnat the oppor-
tunity would Immediately be improved by
/ thousands of husbands and wives who are
now openly at war with each other; but
/ it is a curious matter for speculation if
/ other thousands who suffer from dull dis
content, but who, for various reasons,
never dream of separation, would not in
such a case quickly change the fate which
| they now accept patiently, simply because
it seems inevitable. Anything like statis-
/ teal confirmation respecting this subject
/ Is, of course, not to be obtained but it is
| to be feared that there is an atom of truth
in the statement which we find in the dis
cussiOn of the great scandal, by an eX-
change, that las a rule, marriages are I'M
happy" Perhaps it is putting the case
/ too strongly TO insist that unhapDinesS IS
/ the rule in married life but almost any
careful observer who has a large circle of
acquaintances would probably be willing
/ to approve the proposition that the major
| ity of marriages are unhappy. In many
caseS persons will be apt to judge this
| question in the light of their own expert
ence, so that those who have not been for
| tunate in the marital relation will agree
with this view, while those who have
welded happiness will scOtf at it. But if
every man will take the entire number OF
| his acquaintance, and will discover first,
/ those who are manifestly and obviously
wretched under the burden of the cOniu-
gal yoke. then those who are upon the sur
| face merely Indifferent to each other and
careless of these fine cOurtesieS which are
worn of genuine and enduring affection,
and finally those couples who show by
their word and act that they are not acute
/ lv in sympathy with each other, he will
/ be likely. we think, to find that these form
the majority. And this is so, all of those
people may be classed among those who
| have not found felicity in wedlOck. There
is no true happiness in that condition
where there is not the love and sympathy
and thOughtfulness which existed during
courtship. The passion that was mani
| tested then is only stronger and purer and
| better in after years if there is genuine
/ happiness; and if these things do not ap-
| pear, the flame surely Is dead and there IS
misery, more or less intense. The dlsin-
clnatiOn for each other which is felt by
many a man and wife is smOthered and re-
| strained from expression in most cases, be
cause there is a feeling that the trouble
Q lTItliltuldDAt.
/ hope of escape from it, it had better be
/ endured with patience. The presence OF
/ children, the fear of scandal, the difficulty
of obtaining a legal divorce, all act rs re-
sgraining influences, and induce determi-
nation to submit with what patience may
| be possible to condition of things
which would become intOlerable if there
/ existed any ready means of escape
| from it.
| The causes which produce this deplOra-
| bic state OF affairs are more easily aScer-
| tainable than the extent of the difficulty
| itself One most productive source OF
trouble is the thoughtleSsnesS aud careless
ness of those who choose their life part
nerS. Young men and girls are generally
very anxious TO have Themselves ''cn-
gagged" and the sensations which follow
this experience are so new and so delight
full that they produce an intOXlcauOn which
very often browns common sense COM
pletely. The discovery of glarng faults
and of characteristics which promise a
want of cOngeniality, is not often made
under such circumstances, even when
these things exist: and if it is made, love
is hopeful and willing to believe that such
imperfections cannot bar the way 20 hap
piness. 1t is noticeable. too, when one
young woman in u circle contracts an en-
gagement there is strong tendency upon
/ the part of the others to do the same thing
1 Immediately, and this eagernesS Is gener
ally the parent of after misery, for true
/ love was never born of Jealous desire to
| initiate the example of other people. Al
| ter marriage the sources Of trouble are III
Vulnerable, even where Judgment and not
passion has made the choice Of mate.
/ The first effect of marriage is that romance
/ is kicked out of doors. and the parties are
/ brought down to a basis of hard practical
/ fact. The lovers see each other without
/ the glamour which existed during court
| ship, and they are associated in such a
manner that any disagreeable qualities
/ possessed by either are almost certain to
| be thrown to the surface. In this cmer-
gency simple tOTbearance Is needed, but
! tits very often wanting, and when it is not
displayed the result is certain TO be the be
! ginning of lifelong unhappineSS.
Seltishness is at the bottom OF the dlfli-
Guilty here as it is the foundation of cOnju-
1 gal infelicity in nearly all its forms. II
there is not mutual concession there can
he no peace if the husband will have his
wav. and the wife is determined to have
hers. the result is about certain to be end
| less iangling and perpetual heart-burning
| In many cases, when the first ardDr
coOls. the man is very apt TO have a yearn-
| inc for his old associations, and he Is like
/ lv TO leave his wife alone in the evening
| while he SaunterS on to the club and the
billiard saloon 10 have a good time with
| his friends. as he used to do; and she feels
| and resents this neglect, especially II she
happens to have on hand a baby with
which she has worried all day, and in the
care of which she has right at night to
expect the help of her husband, who is an
equal partner. Poverty and the cOnse-
quent inability of the man to supply his
home with comforts. is another fruitful
cause of unhappineSs. The man labOrS
hard, and still cannot get enough, and his
wife, troubled with household cares, and
perhaps with hard work, lets fall hard
word or two, which hefeels to be unjust,
and answers with bitterness. Then there
is the traditional mOther-in-law, who
sometimes brings a blessing TO the house,
but Oftener a curse. Ii she does not put
mischief into her daughters heart, she
NAV still interfere with the household
economy in a most disastrous manner.
A man will submit to much that is dsa-
ureeable from his wife, because of his af-
fection for her, when he will not put up
with the dictatiOn of her mother, in whom
he can feel only a remote interest; while
MANY things which a wife would rapidly
pardon in her husband, seem wholly un-
pardOnable to the mother, who looks at
the matter from a different standpoint.
1t is a pretty safe rule to exclude her from
the household if possible. Young mar
ried people always do better when they
live by themselves.
The great secret of matrimonial happi-
ness is self-sacrifice. That is wholesome
for self-discipline and good in its effects
upon the other party. fla genuine de-
termination exists to put by selfish indul-
gence and seek resolutely to help each
other in the duties which belong to each
to share each others pleasures and tc
tighten one another's burdens. there is an
almost certain assurance OF felicity; anC
if to this is added an earnest desire to per
petuate the affection which was the whole
stock in trade at the beginning by contln
ually demonstrating its existence there
will surely be no alienation and no gradu
al separation in feeling and life. The bes
foundation for love is hearty respect, anC
this i possible only where the man and tht
woman sh W that they possess the wish t
cultivate those higher qualities which can
not be regarded with any but feelings o
] IL