The Highland weekly news. [volume] (Hillsborough [Hillsboro], Highland County, Ohio) 1853-1886, 1874-08-13
Josh Billings and his Correspondents.

DEAR Brown: Lap dogs hav ceased to
be a luxury in sum circles, and hav
bekum one ov the necessarys ov life.
Many pholks would fail to be happy
enny more without dear lap dog.
Lap dogs are liable to fits, sore eyes,
feas. mango. They also talk in their
sleep; they run around after the extreme
end ov themselfs, in CRATE hurry, until
they acquire the vertigo, and faint clear
away, and are brought to life and useful
ness agin bi holding hot poker against
their noze. Lap dogs don't do well in a
family WHARF thare IL other children to
bother them; they git neglekted, and
hav to steal their daily bred, and be
slept on.
This il all kno, Mr.. Brown, about lap
dogs. Ask me about sumthing else
when yu hav time.
DEAR SNYDER: Muskeeters are game
bug, but they wont bite hook.
Thare IL millyons of them kaught
every year, but the market for them has
got unstiddy ov late years, the supply
keeps so far ahead ov the demand The
laws ov trade are inexorable, and kant
be phooled with.
The muskeeto is born on the sly, and
Gums to maturity quicker than emmy
other ov the domestik animals,
A muskeeto at sight, N three days
after date, is just as reddy and anxious
to 90 into busines as ever he IL, and bights
the frst time az natral az red pepper.
The muskeeter has good ear for mu-
sill and cin0c without notes
The song ov the muskeeto IL monoton-
Gus to sum pholks, but in me it stirs up
the memorys of other days, and keeps
me in a constant fidget.
l hav laid awake all night long, menny
a time, and listened to the sweet anthems
ov the muskeeto, and kan do it again,
whenever there is one of the joyful bugs
swimming around.
DBAR BENEDIKT: / have lived in
bOardin-houses sum, may say long enuff
to decide that most of them are the most
cherries and unfriendly places on earth.
The alms-house or the hospittel is a
more luvly spot to liv in than the aver
age boardin-hOus.
Tnare IL two kinds Of boarding-hous-
keepers more prominent in the trade
than emmy other.
One il the hack in the bushes, a
woman of forty-fve or fifty years ov age,
and never gifts emmy older; who wears
an alpacka dress az slippery and shiny az
piece oy patient leather, and one who
kan bio a butcher klean out ov hiz stall
or lift the skalp oph from the head ov
one oy her Bridgets, whenever she gets
her steam to working.
She keeps boardin-hous from force ov
habit, and changes her locashun every
year to beat the cockroches.
Her hous is furnished from top to bot
tom with shabby furniture, that waz once
genteel, which she has gathered from a
thousand auckshian sales, which is the
only place she visits, except the meat
and vegetable markets.
In addition to the two familys who oc-
cupy her best rooms, she generally haz on
hand an old batchelor or two on the
premises, who have lived with her from
two to five years, alwuss in arrears for at
least six months board.
Everything on the table, and about
the hous, including attendance, iz meaz-
.ured out with the remorseless stint ov q
mizer, and the whole thing runs dry and
squeaking like the axles ov a wagon
that wants tar.
Thare is not one solitary genuine COM
fort in the concern, and men and vim
min liv year after year in these asylums
cursing them every day, and without
upon their rights.
The other style ov boardin-hous keeper
il the one who haz adopted the elegant
profeshun from necessity, to piece out 6
decayed fortune, and to enable her to liy
in fashionable naborhood in a semi
fashionable manner.
She givs yu to understand that yu are
admitted upon her premises az an akt oy
grace on her part, and az long az W
Iiv thare yu will be at loss to deter
mine whether yu are looked upon az al
intruder or not.
All ov these kinds ov retreats are rur
entirely in the interest and for the cum
fort ov the landlady and her decayed
family.
hav lived in both of these kinds oI
hash conservatorys, and kant tell which
iz the most Uncomfortable.
Thare are a few amung the list o1
boarding-houses that are a pleasant eX
cepshun to the two above kinds, WHARF
thare IL refinement and good sense enuf
in the management to make them resem
BILE a home.
But the idea of a home for their guests
never enters the head ov the average
boarding-hous keeper.
To run the hous az cheap az a Sun
day-skool, and git the highest rate of pay
promptly, IL the genius ov these institu
shuns.
waz told bi a yung bachelor, who ha(
lived from necessity all hiz life in one o
these secund rate vittualling stands
changing hiz quarters regularly three
times year, in hopes ov improving hi
appetight, that he knu ov one landlad!
who kept party ov four yung fellows il
her hous two months longer than the.
wanted to stay, by putting ten cen
stamp in her hash every morning.
She had larnt this distribushun dodg,
from the sharp tobacconist of the day.
l don't believe the yarn the yung maj
told me about the stamps, but the stor.
IL too good not to go onto the rekOrd.