The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1874-01-16

keep the heads Of oil the children free
from the festive bug that at times make
life Q burden. Don't you sect
Every editor In the land win thank Us
on his Bonded knees for this invention, as
1t solves problem that has disturbed the
minds OF the knights Of the scissors for
many generations, viz How 10 exter-
inmate the exchange fend, the man who
steals exchanges when you are busy
writing. The editor can have q machine
sitting in his Office. In place Of the hand
OF Providence, we screw on Q cast iron
fist weighing 700 pounds. If you desire
to simply main the flend for lie, you
work the trealle mildly, and merely mash
his eye out, and itallclse bis nose and
break his jsw.bone. Bot II he is an old
offender, and you want TO make an ex-
ample Of him, you keep ueadiDg, and the
pile driver will come down on him like q
President on q liberal postmaster, and
break every bone In his body, and ilAtten
him as thin as one Of ColIax's Vindi-
cations.
To transform the machine into hash.
cutter It Is only necessary 10 uDioint the
hand and, put In It's place an ordinary
chopping.knite, and Get the machine 10
running. (0t course 1t Is understood that
the boy should be removed and piece Of
beef hoisted in his place, unless you are
fond Of boy hash) We have testimonials
from some Of the best hotels In the Stale,
where our machine has been used as d
hash.cutter, and they all unite in pro-
nouncing II the most successful aid 10 the
dissemination Of meat that has lost its
charm for boarders that they ever saw.
Only one accident has occurred thus far,
At Madison Hotel the proprietor had
been chastising one Of the dinning.room
girls with the machine, and stepped out
10 see a man, leaving the girl hoisted on
the ice.tongs The cook took the machine
to cut some meat for hash, and forgot to
take the girl down, and abe was cut finer
than mustard seed. One Of the boarders
was the first to discover the tragedy. He
got piece Of earring on his plate, and
Immediately gave the alarm, but it was
too late. The funeral was largely atten-
ded. These accidents need not occur If
the manipulation Of the machine uses or
binary caution.
There is no end to the different uses to
which the machine can be put. Anything
that requires q strong horizontal motion
can be done better by machinery, and this
machine will fill want long ielt. But 1t
Is as an urchin chastiser that Its principal
merit lies, and in which its owners ex-
pect 10 smass fortune. Its not only in
the schoolroom that the machine can be-
utilized, but in the family. Any family
that has thirty.fve or forty children can
make a machine pay Tor itself in year,
and the work can be done much more
satisfactorily. Where families are smaller
several can club together and own one in
partnership, and one can be appointed to
chastise whole neighborhood. The in
vention Of this machine opens field for
the unemployed by which they can make
a good living. Those female book agents
can buy machine and mount 1t on q
wheelbarrow, and go about from house TO
house, doing jobs that any mother would
be glad TO pay quarter to get of her
hands.
As Mr.. A. johnson said oil the constItu-
ton, we leave the machine in your hands,
and individually and collectively wish
you happy New Year.