Essex County herald. [volume] (Guildhall, Vt.) 1873-1964, 1874-01-24
My Deaf wife and Aunt.

had an aunt coming TO visit me Tor
the first time since my marriage, and 1
don't know what evil genius prompted
the wickedness which 1 perpetrated
toward my wife and ancient relation.
"My DEAR" said I to my wife on the
day before MY aunts arrival, 'you
know Aunt Mary is coming tomorrow !;
we'll, 1 forgot to mention a rather an
noying circumstance with regard to her.
She is very deaf and although she can
hear my voice, yet you will be obliged
to speak extremely loud in order to be
heard. 1t will be rather inconvenient,
but l know you viii do everything in
your power to make her visit agreea-
ble."
Mrs. - announced her determina-
ton to make herself heard, if in her
power.
l then went to John N, who loves
a joke about as well as any person 1
know of, and told him to be in the
house at G P. NJ. the following evening,
and felt comparatively happy.
Iwent to the railroad depot with a
carriage next night, and when was on
my way home with my aunt, I said /:
"My dear aunt, there is one rather
annoying infrmity that Annie (my wife)
has, which forgot to mention before.
She is very deaf, and although she can
hear my voice, to which she is accus-
toned, in it's ordinary tones, yet you
will be obliged to speak extremely
loud in order to be heard. I am sorry
for it,"
Aunt Mary, in the goodness of her
heart, protested that she rather liked
speaking aloud, and to do so would
afford her great pleasure.
The carriage drove UPON the steps
was my wife-in the window was John
N, with face as utterly solemn
as if he had buried his relatives that
afternoon.
81 am delighted to see you," shrieked
my wife, and the policeman on the op-
posite side was startled, and my aunt
nearly fell down the steps.
"Kiss me, my DEAR" bawled my
aunt; and the windows shook as if
with the fever and ague. I looked at
the window John had disappeared.
Human nature could stand it no longer.
1 poked my head into the carriage and
went into strong commissions.
When went into the parlor my wife
was helping Aunt Mary to take off her
hat and cape and there sat John with
his face buried in his handkerchief.
"Did you have pleasant journey?"
suddenly went off my wife like pistol,
and John nearly jumped to his feet.
"Rather dusty" was the response, in
a war-whoop, and the conversation con-
tinued.
The neighbors for blocks around must
have heard it. When I was in the third
story of the building L heard every
word.
In the course of the evening my aunt
took occasion to say to me: "How
loud your wife talks p
I told her deaf persons talked loudly,
and that my wife being used to it, was
not affected by the exeltion, and that
she was getting along very nicely with
her.
Presently my wife said softly" Alf,
how very loud your aunt talks p
YES" said I, call deaf persons do.
You're getting along with her finely ;
she hears every word you say" And l
rather think she did.
Exalted at their success of being un-
derstood, they went it hammer and
tongs, till everything on the mantel-
piece clattered again, and l was seri-
ously afraid of q crowd collecting in
front of the house.
But the end was near. My aunt be-
ing of an investigating turn of mind,
was desirous of finding out whether
the exertion of talking was injurious to
my wife. So" Doesn't talking so
loud strain your lungs ?" said she, in
an unearthly whoop, for her voice was
not as-musical as it was when she was
young.
"It is an exertion," shrieked my
wife.
"Then why do you do it twas the
answering scream.
"Because-because-you can't hear
if I don't"
What !" said aunt, rivaling a rail,
road whistle at the time.
I began to think it time to evacuate
the premises and looking around and
seeing John gone, I stepped into the
back parlor, and there he lay fiat on his
back, with his feet at right angles with
his body, rolling from side to side with
his fist poked into his ribs, and a most
agonized expression of countenance,
but not uttering sound. [ immedi.
atcly and involuntarily assumed SINH,
lar attitude, and think from the rela.
tive position of our feet and heads and
our attempts to restrain our laughter,
apoplexy must inevitably have ensued
if horrible groan which John gave
vent to in his endeavor to suppress his
risibility had not betrayed our hiding,
place.
In rushed my wife and aunt, who by
this time comprehended the joke, and
such scolding as I got then I never
got before, ana I hope never to gel
again.
know not what the end would have
been if John, in his endeavors to be re.
spectful and sympathetic, had not given
vent to such groan and horse laugh
that all gravity was upset, and We
screamed in concert.
1 know it was wrong, and all that, to
tell such falsehood, but 1 think that
Mrs. Opie herself would have laughed
if she had seen Aunt Mary's expression
when she was informed that her hear.
ing was defective.
SMART Girl. During raid through
Florida bright little girl was found at