Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1874-01-15
Aumuruus department.
COULDN'T TELL.

III great many WOrdS.
"I declare, wife, there was an awful accident
over to the MILL" said Mr.. Slocum.
"Ill read the count, wife, and then you'll
know all about it"
Mr.. S. began to read.
"Horrible and Fatal Accident-It becomes
our melancholy and painful duty to record
the particulars of an accident that occurred
at the lower mill, in this village, yesterday
afternoon, by which human being, in the
prime of life, was hurried to that bourne from
which, as the immortal Shakespeare says, "no
traveller returns"
"Du tell ?" exclaimed Mrs. S.
"Mr. David Jones, workman, who has
but few superiors this side of the city, was
experimenting one of the large drums"
~ wonder if twas bass drum, such as
has 'Eplubust Uaua' printed on't?"
"When he became entangled. His arm
was drawn around the drum, and finally his
whole body was drawn over the shaft at a
fearful rate. When his situation was discov-
cred, he had revolved, with immense velocity,
fifteen minutes, his head and limbs striking a
large beam distinct blow at each revolution"
"Poor creature how it must have hurt
him."
"When the machinery had been stopped,
it was found that Mr.. Jones arms and legs
were macerated into a jelly"
"Well, didn't it kill him ?" asked Mrs Slo-
cum, with increasing interest.
"Portions Of the dura-mater cerebrum and
cerebelluna, in confused masses, were scattered
about the floor; in short, the gates of Eterni.
ty had opened upon him."
Here Mr.. Slocum paused to wipe his spec
tacles, and his wife seized the opportunity to
press the question:
"Was the man killed."
"I don't tknow-haven't come to that place
yet you'll know when l have finished the
piece"
And Mr.. Slocum continued reading:
"It was evident, when the hapless form was
taken down, that it was no longer tenanted
by the immortal spirit-that the vital spark
was extinct
"Was the man killed ?-that's what want
to come at" said Mrs. Slocum.
Do have little patience" said Mr.. S., eye
ing his better.half over his spectacles. 81
presume we will come upon it right away"
And he went on:
"This fatal casualty has cast gloom over
our village, and we trust that it will be a
warning to all persons who are called upon
to regulate the powerful machinery of our
mills"
"Now," said Mrs. Slocum, perceiving that
the narrative was ended, "now, would like
to know whether the man was killed or not ?"
Mr.. Slocum looked puzzled. Hescratched
his head, scrutinized the article he had been
perusing, and took a graceful survey Of the
paper.
II declare, wife," said he, "it's curious, but
really, the paper don't say"
HOW A DANBURY MAN SOLD AN AGENT.
A young man was in town, Friday, in the
interest of new heating apparatus. He heard
that Major Pinkney was building new house,
and speedily hunted up the veteran.
II hear you are building new house p he
said to the Major in the tone Of man who
didn't care to commit himself
81 have built it."
Exactly; glad to hear it, said the agent.
"Have you made any arrangements for
heating the new building?" and the agent
looked anxious.
"Well, no." muttered the Major, with a
stare, as if the heating of the building was an
idea that had entirely slipped his mind.
$50 much the better for you," exclaimed
the agent, 81 think I have just the article you
want-combining economy, heat and clean
illness. We have sold thousands of them
throughout the country, and have yet to hear
of single failure on the part of the heater
to do all that is claimed for it, 1t is the sum
total of every excellence yet produced in the
numerous devices patented for heating build
ings, and l am quite confident that I can
demonstrate to you the superior advantages
which this heater enjoys above all others.
Where is your new house,"
"On Essex street." said the Major.
"Suppose you jump in the carriage with me
and take drive over there. I should like to
see it"
The Major consented, and getting his over
coat, he mounted the seat with the hopeful
and eloquent agent, and they drove off: On
the way, the agent rapidly went over the
many favorable points Of the admirable heat
er, and was much gratided at the impression
he had evidently made on his companion.
Arriving infront of the new building, a large
and rather unpretentious structure, the agent
said:
"What arc you going to do with this, Ma
jor? Make tenement or clearinghouse OF
it?"
"Oh, no." said the Major, as he carefully
reached the ground and looked innocently
around, "it is an ice house"
"What?" screamed the agent.
"It is an ice-house," repeated the Major.
"Sold, by thunder!' exploded the agent,
applying the lash to the horse, and tearing
out of the neighborhood at marvellous pace
Danbuy Neps.
A CUTE CLERK.-It is related that dry
goods merchant was very hard on his clerks,
and when visitor left the store without a
purchase would discharge the clerk. He took
up position near the door, and as customers
passed out he would inquire if they had been
properly served. On one occasion lady was
negotiating with clerk for shawl, but the
sale was not made. The clerk called the la
dy's attention to the old gentleman, who was,a
usual, standing near the door, waiting to way
lay the lady with the customary question.
"That old man." said the clerk, ''is crazy. He
may attempt to stop you as you 60 out, and
you had best avoid him, as he is sometimes
dangerous" The lady started for the door,
and, as the old gentleman approached her,
gave a shrek and darted out. The merchant
was greatly astonished, and, walking back to
the clerk, asked "Do you know that lady?"
mo, SIR" replied the clerk, "but I think she
is crazy" "You are right" returned the old
gentleman, ''she must be crazy"
-----> - =
nD~ A farmer who was pestered with crows,
hit upon the plan of soaking some corn in