The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1874-03-07
VARIETY.

\ Michigan newsdealer recently received this
order from young lady: 50 Send me \ Novel
called buffalo bii and the dais doins.'
a man out West who has married and buried
three sisters, now comes up smiling at the altar,
having begun on a new family.
Josh Billings says There amt ennything
that will kOmpletely kure lazyness, though a
second wife has been known to hurry it some"
Mr.. Jtdfjst does business in Cleveland. There
u one advantage about Mr.. Jtdfjst's name-you
couldn't forge it with anything short Of photo
graphic camera.
The Green Briar (NIass) Herald, in suspend
ing, says Hang this town Hang all the
men IN it-throw the rest into the river, and
plant the town site in cucumbers,"
The City Treasurer Of the newly-hedged city
Of Holyoke, Mass, added as a rider to his oath
Of Office: 'And l swear that if see any more
stealing going on | will expose it."
The New York Times says that no form of
social entertainment is more deceptive in its
promises, more iuusOry in its pleasures, more
totally unsatisfactory in its results, than grand
ball.
Maine woman ate four quarts Of oysters at
one sitting, the other day, and won SIOO by so
doing, which, after deducting her burial expenses
($85), LEFT her $l5 to commence the next world
with.
He said it was too cold to get up, and she said
It wasn't her place to kindle fires, and she
wouldn't, and they both lay abed thirty-odd
hours in Portland (AIe). She, pretty hungry by
that time, thought better Off
\ HoIlander recently paid $500 for a divorce
without q publicity in Milwaukee, only to dis
cover when too late (alas y that his wife was
dead. His frenzy Of agony at the loss-of the
moneY-is described as simply heart-rending-
SrARrIED.-The Des Moines Quartette were
somewhat startled the other evening by finding
that the selection, 90 When wear1ed wrUtUhvs sink
10 Sleep had been printed on their programmes,
.. When married wretches sink to sleep"
1t costs Boston SI42, 600 yearly to pay the
salaries of her church chOirs, and now comes the
81. Louis Dispatch and says that Boston could
get n vast deal of music more acceptable to the
Lord if she would distribute that sum of money
discreetly among her poor.
OrGHr To BE AsHMED.-A bunch of shingles
tell from a wagon on the Troy ferry-bOat recently
and struck fairly upon the head Of a cOlOred
woman, who said 80 Y oughter b'shame to
muss a cullud wOman's har dat way ; L wish dc
shingles fell oyahbOard.
The Cincinnati Times which never thinks of
its grandmother, and has no sort of respect for
old age, has the following paragraph Says
Anna Dickinson of bath in Idaho You may
laugh a. much as you please, and say have no
business to gush at my age but, girls, the delight
Of a bath in that Idaho water is very like the
rapture you find in your lovers tender clasp.
I've tried both and / know Can Whitelaw
Reid this without a groan?'
In reviewing recent English publication on
epitaphs, written by Henry j. Loaring, the BOs-
ton Literary World quotes these lines:
nti Grimes Is dead, that good old man.
lie used an old gray
Al buttoned down before,
and continues
Mr.. I0aring claims to have discovered them on
n tombstone in Multham ehurchyard, Monmouth
shire but in his version the name Of the deceased
~ John Lee, not Old Grimes, and the color Of the
coat brown, not gray.
The late Judge Albert c. Greene has always
been credited with the authorship Of % Old
Grimes-'
\ Kansas paper gives the following report of a
Judges sentence, lately passed on a criminal :
b. Brumlev yOu Infamous scOundrell You're an
unredeemed villain You hain't redeeming
trait in your character. Your wife and family
wish we had sent you to the penitentiary- This
j. the fifth time I've had you before me, and you
have put me 70 more trouble than your neck Is
worth I've exhOrted and prayed over you long
enough. YOU scOundrel, just 20 home and take
one glimpse at your family, and be of IN short
order Don't let me ever hear OF you again
The Grand Jury have found two other indictments
against YOU, but III discharge you on your own
rge1gniLance, and If / ketch you IN this neck OF
woods tomorrow morning at daylight, III sock
YOU right square in Jail and hump you off to
Jacksonville IN less than no time, YOU infamous
-r,uuiret lf ever / catch YOU crossing your
finger NJ man, woman or child-White man or
nigecr-Ill sock you right square into the jug I.
stand up, you scOundrel, while pass sentence
on youl''
Tgr WELSH MINISTER AND TIE MARQUIS or
AygIEsvA The following Welsh anecdOte of
t'bristrnas Evans has been translated into the
French. Italian. and other European languages.
On one occasion, while speaking at Bible Society
meeting. over which the Marquis of Anglesca
presided. he turned and personally addressed the
MARQUIS thus "a imagine, my lord, that you
have died, and that the Angel of Death has taken
YOUR soul 10 the portals of the holy city Only a
few are admitted into Paradise; the entrance Is
narrow and jcalOusly watched. 'Open! ! shouts
the ANGEL Of Death he presses forward 10 secure
a place in heaven worthy of your lOrdshIp-
Who to ?" asks the guardian Of Paradise, with
an authoritative voice. - 10 the Honorable the
MARQUIS of Anglesea." - Who Is hep ''An
officer in the army of the Duke of York - In
that capacity" says Peter, s' Inc is not on my
list - But he has filed the Office of High
Mister Of the Ordinance - That may be pos
sible but we know him not" % He has been
several times Lord Lieutenant Of Ireland" .
say nothing to the contrary, but he Is to US a
total stranger" - He was the leader of the
Home Guard at the battle of Waterloo" -
repeat that we know nothing of him . Besides
that. he was for many years President OF the
Bible Society," - HOi" shouted Peter, - that
alters the case lie can enter in; indeed can
see his name recorded among the blessed on the
books Of the Father"