The herald and mail. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1873-188?, 1874-11-20
JOHN CAIN.
A BrieT Biography, Told IN Few
-yEorCIs, by vi. Quad.

/ JOHN CAIN. - +
t BRIEF Biography, Told IN Few
s words, by NJ. Quad.
!. John Gain was duiet. f,Gobtrusive
4 citizen. BE didn't long for fame and
a rencSh, and he didn't care two cents
D whether this great and glorions country
e was ruled by q oAe-hUfBe fepu bIican on
twohorse democrat. III FE
, He had pew in church, gave sixteen
q ounces for a pound, and when a man
looked him square in the eye Mr.. Cain
never took back. seat. he was home
I at q reasonable kotr in the evening,
never took part il Che discussion, "Is
, lager healthy ?" and many man wished
Z that his life rolled on as evenly and
peacefully as John Gains.
But, alas 1.-The tefnpter eanne.aIa an
! evil kour John Cain allowed the politi-
clans to get after him, and to surround
him. They said 7he4was the strongest
man in the country; that he could SCOOP
out OF bis kcCts any man sebup in op-
position; I; that his virtues were many
and his faults 00000s; that 1t was his
duty to come out aud take nomination
IN order that this pure and inoorrupai-
bic form of government be maintained
pure and ineerruptib1e. AL this and
much more they told him, and John
Cain became prfed DIP.
1t surprised him some to think that he
had held his peaceful way along for
forty old years, like a knot-hole in q
barn door, without any one having dis
covered what heap of fellow he was,
but he concluded that there was q new
era in politics and that it was all right
The politicians covered John Cain
with soft soap, They told him that the
canvsss shouldn't cost him a red, and
that he could sBill retire at eight O'Clock
/ every evening and rest assured that his
interests would be properly cared for
It was to be still hunt-a very quiet
election, and he wouldn't hardly know
what was going on. John Cain was an
honest, unsuspecting idiot, and he swaI-
lowed their words as the confding fish
absorbs the bated hook. @a
John Cain was duly nominated and
the band came out and serenaded him
| With the band came several hundred
! electors, who filled the Cain mansion to
Overhowing, spit tobacco all over the
hOuse, ate and drank all they could find,
broke down the gate, and went off with
! three cheers for John Cain.
! Before the canvass was ten DAYS old
| half dozen men called on Cain and
| gently hint9d to him that he must come
down with the "sugar." He didn't
! even know what "sugar" was until they
explained. They wanted money to raise
a pole, to buy beer, to get slips printed,
and to do fifty other things with, all
hand out the money.
T., Fha oo,,reo oE H.
drew Cain out to make a speech at a
ward meeting. He tried to claw off, |
but they told him that the opposing !
candidate would run him out of sight if |
he didn't come out, and he went out. |
When he got through speaking the |
crowd drank at his expense, and Mr.. |
Cain was astonished at the way the |
liquor went down, and more astOnjshed |
at the way the bill footed up. He |
didn't reach home until midnight, and |
for the first time in his life he was going |
to bed with his boots on. His wife |
wouldn't speak to him, the hired girl |
left the house to save her character, and /
John Cain wished that the politicians .
had let him alone.
More men came and crooked their
fingers at him and whispered cougar"
They wanted money TO buy some doubt
ful votes, and to hire four-horse teams,
and to mail his slips, and he had to
come down. He hesitated about it, but
they told him that the opposing candi-
date felt sure Of victory, and that acted
as spur.
There was hardly night that from
fourteen to two hundred and forty
friends did not call on Mr. Cain to in
form him as to the prospects" They
drank up the currant wine Mrs. Gain
had laid by for sickness, emptied her
preserve jars, and there wasn't a morn
ing that she couldn't sweep out forty or
fifty cigar stubs and r peck of mud.
They all told Cain that he would beat
the other man so far out of sight that it
would take carrier pigeon to find him,
and he couldn't very we'll refuse to go
over to the corner grocery and "set 'em
up" for the boys.
The crisis finally came. On the eve
of election Mr.. Gains friends called for
sugar" again, and he had to sugar 'em.
A big crowd called to warn him that he
would certainly be elected, and the sa-
loon bill was twenty-eight dollars more.
Thirteen or fourteen men shook hands
with his wife, hundred or more shook
hands with him, and he had to get up
mems rights and that he did that he
was down on whisky, and yet loved it
as a beverage that he wanted the cur
rency inflated, and yet favored specie
payments; that he favored the civil
rights bill, and yet didn't, and in his
brief speech Mrs. Gain counted twenty
seven straight lies, besides the evasions.
Mr.. Cain wanted to hold popular views,
and he had to be on all sides at once.
On the day of election they dragged
him from poll to poll, stopping at all
the saloons on the way. He had to
make 256 600 promises, pull his wallet
until it was as flat as a wafer, drink
lager with some and cold water with
others, and when night came he tried to
mug the hired girl, called Mrs. Cain his
dear old rhinoceros, and fell over the
cradle and went to sleep with his head
under the stove.
When Mr.. Cain arose in the morning
and became sober enough to read the
election returns he found he had scooped
'em as follows
Opposing candidate. e....................3 SO 42O
John Cain. ln.......-............... 81, $50
Gains majority Gin horn) .......... 5O4O
Mr.. Cain went out and sat down un-
ACA al bACC III LIS OdCh Nd1As duO |
he gave himself MP to reflections and so
forth. Through the leafess branches
sighed the November winds, and in the
house sighed Mrs. Cain, and both sighs
gently in his ear:
John Gains perpendicular idiot"
The Survival of the Fittest.
A Paris correspondent of the New
York Graphic writes the following:
was lately conversing with NJ. Louis
Langue, one of the French admirers of
NJ. Darwin, and during the interview
NJ. LangHe developed very remarka-
bic consequence of the doctrine of the
survival of the fittest. He urged that
inasmuch as species and individuals
survive in the struggle for life only by
reason of superior ability to master
their environment, whereby it comes to
psss the strong propagate the strong
and perfection is reached, it is unscien
titic and uniustifable to interfere with
nature in her work in any way whereby
those who are unfit to survive shall be