Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1874-12-16
HUMOROUS.

HUMOROUS.
Two STORIES MIxED.-Uncle John
Shelby an old backwoods hunter, one
night u iertook to entertain company
of barron sitters with the narration
of his appt rance in running" down a
deer. The sround, he said, was cov-
cred with six nches of snow, on which
the rain had allen and been frozen,
forming crust sufficiently strong to
bear his weight. In the morning he
discovered the tracks of deer, and
started after IT, with The determination
of running it down. Alter describing
the course taken, and detailing the
different incidents that occurred during
the chase, he said that about noon he
felt somewhat weary and hungry, and,
standing his gun against a fence, he
jumped into a cornfield and pulled
some roasting ears, on which lie pro-
posed to make a meal.
"What, Uncle John, snow on the
ground, and roasting ears ?-that won't
do" said one of the company.
.'Hold on boys" said Uncle john,
'I've made a little mistake. and got two
stories mixedr"-DaytOn(O Co. } Democrat.
A CLERICAL DIFFERENCE Not many
years ago there lived a sweep in GER
tain Somersetshire village, who had two
mischievous boys. One day the boys
insulted the parish clergyman, and the
angry divine went to the father, whom |
he accos.ed with
"What do you intend to do with |
those boys of yours, John 2"
''Well, sir, replied the sweep, with a
wicked twinkle of the eye, ''there's the
oldest of ems fine, sharp boy. I'p
gwyne to make sweep o he. But the
youngest is dull, stupid sort o lad. i
don't really know what 1 can do WI he,
'cept l make parson o II"
A CASE OF GoUT-"What is the
matter with you, my friend ?" inquired
a judge, who had called to see his sick
neighbor. "Vell, / don't know, chudge |
-dey say it ish de cout-but w should
/ have cout? l lives blain ; / don't eat
doc much nor drinks doc much Wy
should L have de cout 2" perhaps"
suggested the Judge, lit is hereditary ?"
"Vell," replied the invalid, with the
look of a man who has suddenly been
enlightened on difficult subject.
"Veil, guess it ish hereditary l re-
member my wife's uncle had de cout.'
SHE Could DRIvE.-A resident of a |
nelghboring town visited a sales stable
few days since, in search of a horse.
After describing the paragon of horse
h.., ~ gaar.h af ha cta+aI that
must be one that his wife could drive. |
The stablekeeper asked how much of a
horse his wife could drive. "Well,"
said the man, 81 can drive any horse
that stands, and my wife can drive me"
"Oh, well" said John, ''if your wife |
can drive iackass, any of my horses
will do" He bought the tirst one that |
was shown him.
A CLERGYMAN taught an old man in
his parish to read, and had found |
him AN apt scholar. After the lessons
had finished, he had not been able to
call at the cottage for some time, and |
when he did, he only found the wife at |
home. "How's John ?" said the clergy
man. "He's csnny, sir" said the wife.
How does he get on with hisreading p
"Nicely, sir" .'Ah suppose he viii |
read his Bible very comfortably now."
"Bible, sir bless you, he was out of
the Bible and into the newspaper long |
ago"
GRANDMA, do you know why can see
up i'll the sky SO far 2" asked Charlie, a |
little four-year-old, of the venerable
lady who sat on the garden seat knit
ting.
mo my dear, why is it?" said |
grandma, bending her eye, eager to |
catch and remember the wise saying OF
the precious little pet
because there is nothing in the
way" replied the young philosopher,
resumiDg his astronomical research, |
and grandma her knitting.
An ENGLISH lady was on the deck of
a ship when there was slight mutiny, |
and the ringleader was cut over the
head by the captain, On recovering |
from a long fit of sea-sickuess, and |
coming on deck after several days, she |
saw tins very sailor at the wheel, and |
going up to him, asked, ''How is yonr |
head now?" "West and by north,
ma'am," was the reply.
4 YOUNG lady at home from boarding
school for the holidays was asked if she
would have roast beef, when she re-
piled, NO, L thank you gastronomi
cal safety admonishes me that / have
arrived at the ultimate stage of deglu
tition consistent with dietetic integ-
rity !" The young lady was never
asked ii she would have anything over
again.
A LADY took her little four-year old
down town on the horse cars, and the
man who loves children took the little
one on his knee. On the return trip
the seats were all taken. No gentleman
moved. "Moder," said bright eyes,
laps going TO take me up?" There was
4 scramble for that precious one.
EBPIosUs having heard that process
has beel invented for manufacturing
diamonds out of benZine, the next time
ne went home tight, he told his wife
that she had better be careful how she
fooled about with that Broomstick, as
she might knock quart of diamonds
out of their settling.
"HAvE Won GolJsmith's Greece ?"
was asked of the clerk in store i'll
which books and various miscellaneous
articles we're sold. NO." said the
clerk, refectively, Eve haven't Gold
smiths Greece, but We have some
splendid hair oil.
SYDNEY SMITH said every public man
should be provided with foolometer-
that, is, the acquaintance of three or
four regular fools, on whom he could
try his measures and judge OF the effect
they were likely to produce ON public
opinion.
A MAN who pretended to have seen a
ghost, was asked what the ghost said