The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1874-09-15


received the money and handed over the
pistol. "Now," said the traveller, ''hand
back that money, or I'll blow your brains
out" 'Blaze away, my hearty" said Pat;
"divil dhrop of powther there's in it.
tB- {" You know, Madam, that you can
not make purse Of sow's ear"
ooh, sir, please fan me. have intima-
tions of swoon. When you use that obi
Gus specimen of vulgarity again, clothe it in
refined phraseology You should say it is
impossible to fabricate pecuniary recepta-
Gle from the auricular organ of the softer
sex of the genus hog"
Us A worthy gentleman, whose wife,
though very excellent woman, is slightly
inclined to the practice Of feminine virtue
called loquacity, lost the other day black
pointer, and was speaking to us yesterday
of his misfortune. We advised him to ad-
vertise his loss. He replied, "Oh, l did
that Immediately" "Why," we ansered,
"we have not noticed it, What paper was
it in? ?" "None-I told my wife,"
tB- A Burlington man and his wife visit
ed a soda fountain. He said he would take
''crusade'' syrup in his. Much to his hor-
ror his wife said that she would also try
'crusade." But the druggist knew his
business and the woman WINGED under the
tortures of hot ginger. Her husband was
saved.
E5y- After the prosecuting attorney had
heaped vituperation upon the poor prisoner
without counsel, the judge asked him if he
had anything to say for himself. "Your
honor" replied the prisoner, al ask for a
postponement for 1S days, in order that /
may find blackguard to answer that one
there"
CB- "Would my little Ezra" asked
fond MOTHER "like to be a missionary, and
go preach to the suffering heathen?"
Tears-bright pearly drops of feeling
glistened on little Ezra's eyes as he muir
mured
"No, l wouldn't but I'd like to be on
the perlice long enough to put tin roof on
the big lummax that stuck shoemakers
wax on my seat to-day at school,"
Eg- A rustic couple, newly married,
marched into Colby's drug store and called
for soda water. The obliging clerk inquir-
ed what syrup they would have in it, when
the swain, deliberately leaning over the
counter, replied "Stranger, money is no
object to me; put sugar in it."
ZEE "From what country are you?" in
quired an English gentleman Of vagrant.
"From Ireland, please your honor" His
lordship asked, Were you ever at sea?"
"Come, your honor" replied the man
"d'ye think crossed from Dublin in a
wheelbarrow?"
eB- The popularity the English have
of putting an h before every word where one
does not belong is well shown by the fol-
lowing.
An Englishman being asked how he spell
ed saloon replied. With a hess, hay,
he'll, two hoes, and a hen.
G8 1t was darling Gweorge" when
bridal couple left Omaha; it was "dear
George" at Chicago at Detroit it was
" Georges" and when they reached Niaga-
IA Falls it was "Say, you"
GB- Harry, after looking on while his lit
tie new sister cried at being washed and
dressed, turned away, saying, "If she
screamed like that up in Heaven, don't
wonder they sent her of. "
G8- Look ere now, Salusha," yelled
Clay county, Missouri, woman to the Oldest
girl. don't bend over that well so fur.
You'll fall in there some Of these days. and
then wen have TO carry water"
eB- wouldn't have left, but the people
kinder egged me ON, said man who was
asked why he quit his Kansas home in a
hurry
GB- Say, Sambo, did you ebber see do
Catskill Mountains 9' "No nebber did
but have seen dem kill de mice.".