Vermont farmer. [volume] (Newport, Orleans County, Vt.) 1870-1877, 1874-02-20
THE CHANGERS EXPOSED.

HE GRANGEhS INFUSED.
On being brought into the ante.room of
the lodge (Greengrocer temple No. l0D,
was told that l had been balloted for and
accepted My informant, who was masked
by what atterward learned was burdock
leaf perforated with holes for eyes, told mo
that if valued my life it would be necessa-
ry for mo to strip. As l did consider that of
considerable worth to me, and MS he ital-
icised his wishes by carelessly playing with
seven shooter, | withdrew from my gar
ments with eagerness. My masked friend
then furnished me with the regalia of the
first dcgree-called the FESTIVE Plow Boy
which consisted merely Of one large cab
bage leaf attached to n waist-band of potato
vines. N this airy costume l was conduct
ed to the door, where my companion gave
three distinct raps q was securely blind
folded by binding n slico of ruta baga over
each eye.) A sepuchral voice from within
inquired, Who comes?
My guide answered, A youthful agricultu-
rist who desires to become Il granger.
Sepulchral voice-llave you looked him
carefully over?
Guide-I have, noble gatekeeper.
S. V.-Do you find any agricultural marks
about his personp
GuIde-The candidate has carroty hair,
reddish whiskers and u turnip nose
S. Wis well. Why do you desire to
become grangerP
Guide-( answering for the candidate)
That l may thereby better be enabled TO
harrow up the feelings of the rascally pol
| iticians.
S. Won will bring in the candidate.
| My worthy STRIPPING, rs you cannot see,
will cause you to feel that you are received
at the door on the three points of pitch
| fork, piercing the region of the stomach,
which is to teach you three great virtues
Faith, Hope and Charity. Faith in yourself,
hope for cheaper farm machinery, and char
| ity for the lightning-rod pedder. You will
now he harnessed, and in the representation
of the horse Pegasus, will be tested rs to
| endurance and wind.
(Thc candidate is here attached 10 small
imitation plow, by means of q hempen har-
ness. A dried pumpkin vine is put in his
mouth for bit and bridle-he Is made &c
get down on all-tours, the guide seZes the
bride, and urged on by a granger armed
| with Canada thistle which he vigorously
applies to the terminus of the spine, the can.
ddate gallops three times round the room
While making the circuit the members rise
and sing
| "Get up and dust, you bully boy;
| Who wouldn't be grangeri
If the thistle's prick don't give you joy,
| To feelings you must be a stranger"
After this violent exercise lie is rubbed
dry with corn cobs, then beeswaxed where
|
great chief, the Most Worshipful Pumpkin
| llead)
NJ. w. p. IT.-Why do you desire to be a
granger?
Candidate answering for himself). That
| may learn to eXtinguish sewing machine
agents.
Candidate-Not extensively, but am not
running for office.
NJ. W. p. Hts well, for our lodges
contain several who are supposed to be
ready to sacrifice themselves for tho good OF
their constituents. DO you feel pretty smart
this evening?
Candidate. where the hustle goes on.
NJ. w. Z. IL. (savagely)-Give me II chaw
of tobacckcr.
Candidate searches himself thoroughly,
but rs there IS no place about him to stick
n pocket tries to explain, but tho Most Wor-
shipful Pumpkin Head interrupts him with
Never mind, my dear young friend-I am
well aware that in your present condition
you can no moro furnish your friend with
the weed than Adam could be comfortable
in n plug hat and tight boots. 1t is merely
to teach you one great lesson of generosity
doing to others as you'd like to have them dc
to you. You will now bo conducted to the
Most Eminent Squash Producer, who will
teach you the Grand Hailing Signal of Dis.
sure you against many of the ills OF the ag.
riculturst, aud among others, against
droughts and being bit by the ferocious
grasshopper.
The candidate is now conducted to the
Most Eminent Squash Producer, who says
My wOrther brother, will now invest you
with the order of tho Festive Plow Boy
which you have we'll won by yonr heroic
achievements while harnessed. May you
ever wear it with pleasure to yourself, and
; may IL be means OF terror to your enemies
(Ihe NJ. f. S. z. then proceeds to invest
the candidate with the regalia of the Fes.
tive Plow Boy. which consists of long
tomato necklace.) The Grand lIailing SgT
of Distress is made by gently closing the
left eye, laying the right fore finger along
the nose, and violently wagging the ears
II requires practice, but the advantages are
intense. 1t also has an important significa
tion which you will do well TO heed. The
closing of the eye signifies that in all youl
dealings with mankind you are bound tC
have an eye to business. Laying your fin
ger alongside the nose is emblematical o
wisdom, and places you at once among the
"knowing ones.n This is extremely handy
in prognosticating new weather, and savel
the wear and tear of almRnacs. Wagginl
your ears signifies sublimity of purpose, anC
is thought to be emblematical of childhood!
happy hours. 1t is also supposed by som(
profound scholars to have distinct reference
to apple dumplings, but this fact is some
what obscured by the dust of ages. In to
Ken that you are one of us you will now b,
branded. This ceremOnyls very impressive
and consists of two brands. They are boil
applied whilo the iron is hot, and consist o
one letter Of the alphabet each. Tho frs
Is the large letter s, on which you will pleas
sit while the other is applied to tho stomach
The letter ), my worthy chicken, signifie
scooped, and refers to railroad monopolies
II is also supposed to indicate the seat 0
learnlng-the spot where the 0ld-time schOo
teacher hunted for brains with the ferule
The second letter is q, and Is applied, as
said before, to the stomach. 1t has doubl
meaning. First, the application is an agri
cultural one-"COrn Cribh--and has refer
ence to the stomach as being the great re
ceptacl0 for Bourbon whisky. But, m.
brother, do not be diligent in finding a hom'
market for your corn. The second appliea
ton OF the letter Q, my distracted infant, u
got hold Of as follows When one granger
desires to ascertain for sure If there Il
another Of tho order in the room he ralse'
himself gently by the slack OF his nnmen
tionables, scratches his of thigh with MI
; near hoof and says, in yoioo oi thunder
"Are there any grangers aboutP" Tho an
swsr is "Jeeswax.n The inquirer then says
] "Let us see," Oetter C,) and theother party