Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1874-12-10


They are kept in all sorts ov ways; some
upon the European plan, and menny ov them
on no plan at all.
A good landlord IL like good stepmother
he knows his bizzness, and means to do his
duty.
He knows how to rub his hands with Joy
when the traveller draws nigh he knows how
to smile; he knew yure wife's father when he
waz living, and yure wife's fust husband, but
he don't speak about him.
He kan tell whether it will rain tomorrow
or not; he hears yure complaints with tear in
his eye; he blows up the servant at yure
suggestion, and stands around reddy, with a
shirt collar az stiff az broken china
A man may be good supream court
judge, and at the same time be miserable
landlord
Most everybody thinks they kan keep a
hotel-and they kan but this ackounts for
the CRATE number of hotels that are kept on
the same principle that justiss ov the peace
ofiss IL kept in the country during a six days
jury trial for killing somebody yello dorg.
A hotel won't keep itself, and keep the
landlord too, and ever kure a traveller from
the habit ov porfane swearing.
| have had this experiment tried on me
several times, and it alwus makes the swares
wuss.
1t is too often the kase that landlords 60
into the bizzness ov hash as ministers 60 into
the professhun-wi the very best of motives,
but the poorest kind Of prospecks.
/ don't know ov emmy bizzness more flat
tersum than the tavern bizzness. There don't
seem tew be ennything tew do but tew stand
in front ov the register with pen behind the
ear, and see that the guests enter themselfs az
soon az they enter the house then yank bell
rope six or seven times and then tell John
tew sho the gentleman tew 976; and then
take four dollars and fifty cents next morning
from the poor devil ov traveller and let
him went.
This seems tew be the thing-and it is the
whole thing in most cases.
Yu will diskover the following deskrpshun
mild one ov hotels out ov 10 between the
Atlantik and Paci6ck Oshuns, akrost the
United States in straight line:
Yure room IL 13 foot 8 inches, by 8 foot
inches, parallelogramly
1t being court week (az usual,) all the
good rooms are employed bi the lawyers and
judges.
Yure room IL on the upermost floor.
The carpet il ingrain-ingrained with the
dust, kerosene lie, and ink-spots ov four
generashuns
Thare is two pegs in the room tew hitch
coats onto, one ov them broke oph, and the
other pulled out, and missing.
The buro haz three legs and one brick.
The glass tew the buro swings on two piv-
OTIS, which hav lost their grip.
= H. IL, tb,o h,f
wet. The rain-water in the pitcher cum out
of the we'll.
The soap il az tuff tew wear az whet-
stone.
The soap il scented with cinnamon lie, and
variagated with spots.
Thare IL three chairs, kane settlers one IL
rocker, and all three are busted.
Thare is a matchbox, empty.
Thare IL no kurtin tew the windo, and
thare don't want to be emmy yu kant see out,
and who kan see in?
The bell rope IL cum oph about 6 inches
this side ov the cealing.
The bed is modern slat-bottom, with two
mattresses, one cotton and husk, and both
harder and about az thick az sea. biscuit.
Yu enter the bed sideways, and kan feel
every slat at once az easy az you could the
ribs of grid iron.
The bed IL inhabited.
Yu sleep sum, but roll over good DEAL
For breakfast yu hav gong and rhy coffee
tew kold tew melt butter, fried potatoze which
resemble the chips a two.inch auger makes in
its Journey thru an oak log.
Bread solid beefstake about az thick az
blister plaster, and az tough az hounds ear.
Table covered with plates, few scared-to-
death pickles on one ov them, and hy-en-
dorsed crackers on another.
A pewterinktom castor with three bottles
in it, one without any mustard, and one with
two inches ov drowned flies and vinegar in it.
Servant gal, with hoops on, hangs round
you earnestly, and wants tew know if yu will
take another cup ov kofee.
Yu say, "No nom, i thank yu," and push
back yure chair.
Yu haven't eat enuff tew pay for picking
yure teeth.
I'm about az selfkonsaited as it will do for
man tew be and not crack open, but never
yet konsaited that kould keep hotel I'd
rather be highwayman than to be sum land
lords l have visited with.
Thare are hotels that area joy upon earth !;
WHARF man pays his bill az cheerful!y az he
did the parson who married him WHARF you
kant find the landlord unless yu hunt in the
kitchen; WHARF servants glide around like
angels ov mercy; WHARF the beds fit mans
back like the feathers on a goose; and WHARF
the vittels taste just as though yure wife or
yure mother had fried 'em.
Theze kind ov hotels ought to be built on
wheels, and travel around the kuntry. They
are az phull of real comfort as a thanksgiving
pudding but alas! they are az unplenty az
double.yolked eggs.
A WITTY REBUFF.
The follnwino Is narrated bY correspon.