The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1874-10-03
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
To remove dandruT: Go down to Arizona and
interview the Apaehes.
Chicago wnnts TO see them, and will give
SIS, 900 each for Henry and Theodore for fifty
nights.
The wicked hea. - 1t amt 80 much the biting
il only the plaguey thing wouldn't keep getting
up and sitting down all the time" Exactly.
Minnie, I'm in such quandary; for if
turn my back on Charley he becomes offended ut
once, and il 1 don't he can't see my new buckle.
What shall I do?''
When a man breaks his neck trying to get out
Of the way Of " lightning bug" suppOsing it
to be the headlight Of locomotive, it is time
for him to sign the pledge.
The women cleaned the saloons out Of Urbana,
Ohio, and now rattlesnakes, that for fifty years
have been unknown, iniest the place to that ex-
tent that not man dares stir abroad without his
bottle Of whisky as antidOte against the
apprehended poison
We are PANIED to notice that papers taking our
items, and apPropriating them as their own, seek
to palliate the theft by publishing column Of
religious miscellany. This may look well enough
in the eyes Of heaven, but it don't satisfy US
DaHblTy Fer0s.
Papa. do you think Beech" 81 Hush.
Johnnie - But, papa, don't you think
Beech-.'' " Didn't you hear me tell You to
stop YOUR noise. sir? 1 won't have you talking
ab5ut these things Cin IN and got your Eaco
washed" And Johnnie, with tears in his eyes,
wants to know Why papa won't tell him whether
beech-nuts are ripe.
One of the least aattering tributes ever paid to
n rising young artist have been paid to n Cincin-
natl dauber by W cstern critic: a. lie possesses
some merits as an artist, but it is hard to say
whether it lies in landscape marine painting
YOU can never tell his cows from his ships, except
when they have their tails exalted, when the
absence Of spars betrays their character, even
then they may be mistaken for schOOners scud-
ding under bare poles
DoS'r NEED Ir-An Inherent phrenOlOgist
stopped at n small farm house, the proprietor of
which was busily engaged in threshing. 4" Sir,
said he - | am phrenOlOgist. Would you like
ne to examine the heads of your children? will
do it cheap" ." Well" said the farmer, pausing
between two strokes, - don't think they need
it. The old woman combs 'em with a fine tooth
comb once a week.
DREASnNG on a WEDDING CAKE.-A young lady
in n PENNSYLVANIA town put a piece Of wedding
cake under her pillow, and went to bed with the
happy belief that she would dream OF seeing her
future husband. That evening, however, she had
eaten two plates Of icc-cream, about pint OF
Strawberries, several sweet cakes, and two large
pickles, and she now says she would rather re-
main single all her life than marry the man she
saw in her dream
The LOvE-LETTER OF THE FUTURE.-In view of
the new theory Of the scientists that the feelings
are not located in one particular spot, but are
distributed over the whole frame, the Boston
Transcript thinks the lOyeetter Of the future will
read something like this - Dearest believe me,
do love YOU with nv whole nervous organism.
You share with no other being the emotions
which pcrvade my undivided gray matter, and 1t
/ were conscious of n ganglion that thrObbcd not
for thee. be sure / would not sleep till had pro-
cured its neurOtOmy-
4 JUVENILE PUSsTER.-lt Is scarcely credible
that a child but four years old could perpetrate
;, uerfect a pun rs the one alleged in following
incident: but its truth Is certified to US by
philadelphia correspondent The author OF 1t
was a Iittle girl. She was playing with her doll
b,, the side OF her mother, when, after some CON
siderntiJn. she said. - Mother, | wish my doll
was realized '' Why, what do You mean ?
her mother inquired ss Why she replied,
- YOU sec, she has only glass eyes; want her to
have real eyes
4 SuJEr TENPERANCE lECTUKE.--Ihe SqHitdTfGE
tell. .. What Alcohol Will Do thus; - Ii may
seem strange, but 1t il nevertheless true, that
aIe,h9I regularly applied 10 n thrifty farmer 5
-tomach will remove the boards from the fence, 4,
let cattle into hIs crops kill hIs iruIt trees
mortgage his farm. and SOW his fields with wild
,at- and thistles. It will take the paint OF his
buiIding break the glass out Of the windows and
6u them with rags IL Will take the gloss from
his clothes and polish from hIs manners, suOdue
bis reason, arouse his passions, bring sorrow aud
disgrace upon his family, and tOPple him into u
drGnkard's 5 grave. IL will do this 10 the artisan
AMI the capitalist, the matrOn and the maiden, rs
well rs 10 the farmer. for in ITS deadly enmity to
tie human race alcohol IS no resPecter Of
persons
WESTMINSTER ABBEY--Bailey, Of the Danbury
Nelrs. writes a. follows about Westminster
Abbey:
You are rushed about from point TO point, and
from irving t1 store your mind with impressions
you fail 70 be looking out for your legs You
ar, up 10 Your neck in romance, over your head
in history, anil your whole performance Is
reckless and aimlcss effort 10 claw your way out
The impressions you receive are but transltOry ;
they come and % like flash, and after YOU are
bowed out Of doors you feel n If yOa had taken
prominent part in boiler explosion, and are
inst about a. clear as 70 the details. passed by
scores Of Kings and Queens and Peers entombed,
| walked over acres Of others and wondered how
they could be 80 careless with their dead got
ND from the service which ! witnessed on entering
the building. and found that had been sitting
on an entire family.