The Carbon advocate. [volume] (Lehighton, Pa.) 1872-1924, 1874-08-01
HUMOROUS.

1Ou eau eau euuugH Ill Weth W
last you year, and you can't advertise
on that plan either.
The st. Louis papers satirize the me-
tropois of the Northwest by spelling its
name Shecawgo. ...
'''m notmuc h for shtump spakin,'"
declared candidate at Dubuque "but
for honesty and capacity and integrity,
bate the divil- so do"
A returning emigrant wagon passed
through Cedar Falls, Iowa, last week,
bearing the expressive and euphoniOus
label, "D-n the grasshoppers.
1t was duet this time. Two servant
grs, at Cleveland, Ohio, kinded fire
with a can of gasoline, and then passed
through glOry's morning gate, just as
slick as could be.
Landlady (iercely)-"You must not
occupy that bed with your boots onl"
Boarder.-"O, mind, they're only
an old pair. The bed-bugs can't hurt
'em. I'll risk it, anyhow"
A London advertisement runs thus:
"a country priest will say mass once a
week for any one who will regularly
send him the Times newspaper, second
hand, on the day of its publication"
A good way to restore man appar-
emily drowned, is to first dry him
thoroughly, inside and out, and then
clap speaking-trumpet to his ear and
inform him that his mother.in-law's
dead.
"Do bats ever fly in the day time?"
asked teacher of his class in natural
history. eyes sir, said the boys, con-
fidently. "What kind of bats?" eX-
claimed the astonished teacher, "Brick-
bats!" yelled the triumphant boys.
Don't be stubborn unless you are
sure you can afford it. Right in the
midst of the late panic, man chose
to be perversely obstinate. His daughter
wanted as90silk dress, and he wouldn't
get it, and he lost $50 by the operation.
She took cold poison, and the funeral
expenses were $3.50. '...t'
To cure bachelors ache, carry the
patient eleven yards of silk with wo-
man in It.
The Cincinnati Gazette is curious to
know what the brewers of that city do
with the tobacco stems they purchase.
Husband" said the wife of young
clergyman, "read me one of your ser
mons: l feel dreadfully wakeful to-
night, and l wish to sleep"
An Arizona girl shot her lover, and
then nursed him tenderly till he died.
His last words were:-"I forgive you,
Mary; you did it with an ivory handled
pistol"
Il young lady of MonteEuma while
standing at the was-tub, engaged in
washing, fell backward and instantly
expired. Young ladies hereabouts are
careful not to die while at the wash.tub
Jefferson County, arkansas, is re-
sponsble for snake killed there recent
ly which had 1S0 rattes. We believe
that the highest nun Der ever before
claimed for snake was forty-six, and
that was nearly century ago.
One half the world does not know how
the other half lives. There are people
In Danbury to-day who have not a
sheet of monogram paper to their name.
Detroit Free Press; A Virginia Sheriff
askel a murderer if he wanted to make
speech on the gallows, and the man
replied: "Guess not; it looks like rain,
and don't want toget wet; go on with
the hanging" ..,
As one result of the panic several of
the upper ten" have felt it duty tC
give up their pewS in fashionable
churches, and il things go ON at this
rate, they fear they may have to relin-
quish their boxes at the opera.
A new style of boys trowsers has
been invented with copper seat, sheet
iron knees, riveted down in the seems
and waterproof pockets, TO hold broken
eggs. ....
First law of gravety-never laugh a
your own jokes.
Colorado calls for more women. Il
has scarcely single one.
The girls of an Illinois seminar,
amuse themselves byspitting at a mark
1t is asserted that if the comet hit
Chicago LOG divorces will be blaste,
in the bud.
Who is the LATEST man? The furni
ture dealer; he keeps chairs and lounge
about all the time.
A Detroit father keeps his boy i
nights by vanishing a chair and sittin
him down. It's novel plan but awfr
tough on the trowsers.
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EVIL SPEAKING. .-SpeakinC evil {