Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1874-07-20
A LAUGH is WORTH A HUNDRED ORGANS IN
ANY MARKET

-
ANY MARKET.
If anybody says Beecher ever did a
wrong, spot him on the snoot
If single life is bad, then it stands to
reason that double life is twice as bad.
There are two things incident to this
life for which no one is ever prepared,
and they are-twins.
Anger your friend and you will be
surprised to learn what villain you
are-in his estimation.
Two horns will last an OK his lifetime,
but many man wants that number ev-
cry morning before breakfast.
The wave on which many a poor fell
low has been carried away is the wave
of lace edged cambria handkerchief.
When your pocket-book gets empty
and everybody knows it,.you can put all
your friends IN it and it won't ..bulge,
OUT worth cent
A nigger barber in Leavenworth re-
fused to shave an Indian on account of
complexion. AS a rule, no pure blooded
Indian needs shaving.
Husband said the wife of Young
clergyman, '.read me one of your SER
mons, | feel dreadfully wakeful tonight
and | wish to sleep.
General Washington's family Bible is
for sale, and the auctioneer vouches for
the statement that it was "presented by
its author" to the General
A New Hampshire editor with poetry
in his soul asserts that "every tree is a
feather in the earth's cap, plume in her
bonnet, tress upon her forehead; where
e. Pit tevo.''
A witty wife of a Shawmut Avenue
popular practising physician advised her
husband to keep away from the funerals
of his patients, as it looked too much
like tailor carrying home his own work.
A Southern lady is lecturing in Wash
ington on kissing, and proposes to bor-
row two or three husbands to use during
the occasion, while illustrating the way
to do such things.
Enthusiastic pedestrian: sAm I on
the right road to Straford-Shakspeare' s
town, you know! You've often heard Of
Shakespeare" ?" Intelligent British Rus
tic: ''Yes; be you he ?''
Punch's receipt for the preservation OF
furs is excellent "Pull out all the hairs
with tweezers, and varnish the skin. In
the spring remove the varnish and care
fully stick all the hairs in their old
places %
Thomas Hood died composing a hu.
morous poem. He is said to have re.
marked that he was dying out of charity
to the undertaken who wished to urn 9
lively Hood. Was he cremationist
A man named Button died recently il
Southern Berkshire, and when the sextor
started out with the pick and shovel
somebody asked him what he was going
to do. .'Going to make button hole,
was the not very grave reply.
A Bowery, N. Y. merchant who ha(
declined to advertise in the Commercial
Advertiser, because nobody would Sc,
it. came around few days after ant
offered S25 to have his name kept out o
the police reports.
A man who was about to be hanged il
Alabama sang joyfully, as he stood wit
the moose about his neck: "Oh! tn
bright angels are waiting for me-
Whereupon the local editor iendishl
wrote: "And then the angels stirred u
the fires, and looked brighter than ever.
At Beecher's church the other night
after the Tilton letter had been wei
aired, religious services were opened b
singing the hymn commencing:
sSatan may hurl his shafts of spite
And all his legions roar"
when the congregation joined in, an
they-roared.
A young married man who found hin
self at the theatre, the other evening
with feet encased in steel-colored boot
from liberal application of stove
blacking in the dark, wants to knor
e show long the house cleaning busine;
n n is going to last, any way
Who's there? said Jenkins, one colo
winter night, disturbed IN his repose b
some one knocking at the street doc
: A friend, was the answer. What d
you want? Want to stay here all nigh
Queer taste, amt it. but stay there b
$ all means, was the benevolent reply.
| talked with minion from her ma
d esty's dominions. Says I, Where al
u you going. Says he, To hide a ho
9 Says |. What are you going to hide
I, hoe for? Says he, | did not say hide
y hoe; | said hide hoe. Says /. Spe
q ! it. Says he Idaho. Oh, says
Is Idaho. Yes, says he, hide hoe.
m A writer In the Milwaukee Sentin
{, deserves the respectful sympathy of 9
:, gentlemen who give out their washin
( He says: '.It is awfully annoying
ag have some other fellows clothes left
On ones room by the washerwoman. 81
q "a urday we put on another fellows shil
re couldn't wear it. Although it was RI
hy hy fed around the bottom. the sleeves We
too short to put cuffs on, and there "