The Jasper weekly courier. [volume] (Jasper, Ind.) 1858-1922, 1874-08-28
ELI Perkins Fashionable Sermon.

To the Editor OF the Daily Graphic.
This morning, having been sworn in
to preach the gospel of Saratoga. as
understand it, | arose in the United
states Hotel parlor, took out my cigar.
laid 1t on my hat, and told the following
truths
Brother and Sister Saratogians:
What do you mean by shoddy people !?
We mean people with money, but no
cultivation, taste, or people
who, having made money, don't know
how to use it, except in trying TO ape
more-cultured people, whom they look
upon as paragons.
lttakes about one generation of wealth,
lor contact with wealth, my friends. to
make "a cultured family. Men and wo-
men arc bred like horses. They grow
up thoroughbrcds or mongrels. "A horse
stabbed in nice place and fed on oats is
better than horse fed OH hay and straw
IN the BARNARD; so the children of the
rich who are fed on spring chickens and
who sleep in well-ventilated rooms are
better than the children Of the poor,
scantly fed on coarse food and left neg
lectcd in dirt and squalor.
A voice-"Can't people have too much
money, Mr.. Perkins 2"
Yes, too much money unwisely spent
ruins blood surer and quicker than pow
Ierty. i repeat it. my friends-too much
money spent in death-dealirg salads and
in blood-thickening champagne ruins
good blood quicker and surer than pow
Ierty. Too high living killed Horace
Clark. cut him down with apoplexy, as
lit will cut down Hamilton Fish. 1t
thickens the blood. makes neuralgia.
Igout. and early death. Life Is counted
by the pulsations Of the heart IL you
eat salads and fill yourselves up with
wine your hearts will beat faster aud
your lives will tick away while your
years are still young. Ii you have an
occasional periodic spree like General
Grant, and then sleep il off and brighten
yourself up with Congress water and
the bath, the uneven, jerky life will wear
you out. Your system will become red
hot with unnatural excitement Ht one
time, and then weak and pallid with an
unnatural calm At another and your
poor body will be worn out by the fiic-
tion Of the passing up and down. Ny
dear friends, you can't get the start OF
God. II you drink brandy. aud live fast
err than he designed you to live, he will
check you mp with neuralgia or gout. II
YOU arc strong enough TO I'LL yourself
with brandy, and rush AT high pres
sure over seventy years Of your life In
thirty years, you wifi gain nothing. You
will arrive at the end of your Journey
!out ofbreath, and. having accomplished
III in too short time, YOU will die Of ap-
oplexy. Humphrey Marshall has tried
this, and so has Senator Salisbury and
Senator Richard Yates: and now John
M actlonald, the Premier Of Canada is
trying it. General Lander and General
Hooker tried it ia the army. Now look
at them!
n voice -"But how can you tell 'shod-
,dy' people, Mr.. Perkins,'
This way. my friends. When strange
family arrives mt our hotel you must
watch them closely. Divinity puts up
certain in falibie signs to distinguish the
Ignorant and vulgar from the children
or culture and virtue.
First IL the lady comes into the par
lor with diaWoud ring on The outside
of her glove. il is safe TO ask her how
much she gets week. ("Iiear, hear,
and several ladies put their hands under
their paniers.)
, Second If providence erects a dyed
,mustache over the mouth Of a man, il is
Ito show that he is a gambler or vulga-
Irian. Cheers. when two Amcricus Club
men, gambler and four Plug-uglies
from Baltimore put their hands over
,ltheir mustachcs.
4 Third-If, when that new family on
tier or leave the room, the gentlemen
rush ahead. leaving the ladies 10 follow
There is something 'shoddy' somewhere
Fourth h-lf the man presents the ladies
10 the gentlemen. instead of vice versa
and they all shake hands on presenta'
stion. then you may know they hail from
)Oil City.
Fifh-If, when they go into dinner
they do nothing but loudly order tn,
WATERS around, aud talk about the wine
,you can make up your mind that the,
{. are the first walters they have ever hat
7 and the only wine thew ever drank. |
-they pick their teeth at the table, or tax,
!. out their false teeth and rinse them il
the tumbler, Ga voice, "Shoot 'em on th,
:spot") )-yes, my friends, say that I,
I their teeth.
u Sixth If, when the gentleman sits II
the parlor talking TO lady, he don't 81
6 up straight. but sprawls all over the sofa
puts the solcs Of his boots on the lady
address,, on tho furniture, orwipcs his fee
on his own white linen pantaloons, you
'bettcr refuse an introduction TO him
d(Applausc. when eight young fellow
:who sat with their legs radiating like ,h
" wings Of n windmill, or sprawling ON
: foot cross legged in the empty air, whirl