The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1874-07-22
MAX ADKLER's QUILL SCRATCHES.

da, is dead. He was bilious,--Mr.
Alexander johnson was--and he saw
the following paragraph FROM the pen
of DIR. Hall
'If bilious man wants to get well,
AMI is in no special hurry, all that he
has to do is tn lie down out.of-doors
between two broad boards, and stay
there until ho gets ravenously hungry"
Mr.. johnson followed this advice,
and calmly fell asleep with broad
board on top of him. Under ordinary
circumstances there would have been
no trouble; but there was Eat Mans
Ball in the lager beer saloon next door
that day, and .he two champion fat
men got over the fence, and sat down
with jerk on top of Mr.. Alexander
Johnson's upper board without know
ing he was there. 1t squelcbed the
breath out of him at the first blow.
And the fat men, they sat and sat
there, and discussed politics, and the
Alabama claims, and the weather, and
women's rights, and the glacial theory,
and metaphysics; and they kept on
drinking glass after glass Of beer, and
getting heavier and HEAVIER, until one
of them happened to look under the
board, and there was Alexander John
son, as dead as Nebuchadnozzer, and
mashed out SO thin that you could
pass him in under closed door with
out scraping his vest.buttons. He does
not suffer from bile now, but Mrs. John.
son is roaming around over the country
hunting for DIR. Hall. She will pro.
badly make lasting impression Oh
him if she meets him.
A friend of ours (Burnside) some
time ago bought an alarm. clock with
which to awaken his hired girls in the
morning. He set it down under the
sofa, without mentioning the fact to
his wife, and that evening after tea
Mrs. Burnside reposed upon tho sofa
with the baby upon her lap. Sudden
ly the alarm began with a terrific clat-
ter, which gave Mrs. Burnside such
dreadful shock that she tainted, drop
ped the baby on its head, scared Burn
side SO that he upset the kerosene lamp
on his mother-in law, who fell, knock
ing young William Burnside through
the glass door Of the ook-case, cutting
him dreadfnlly; while Mary Jane
Burnside, in endeavoring to save the
baby from the flames which were de.
vouring the motherin Jaw, tore twelve
yards of gathers out of her dress and
tripped, breaking her right arm. 1t
cost over twelve hundred dollars for
doctors to bring Mrs. Burnside out of
her convulsions, to repair Mary James
arm, to cover William with sticking
plaster, to heal up Burnside's mother
in-law. aud to trepan the baby; to
say nothing Of the agony endured by
Burnside from the lectures delivered
ever since, three times a day, by his
wife and wife's mother, upon the gen.
eral brutality of man, aud the utter
imbecility of all male citizens bearing
the name of Burnside. He wishes now
he had alluded to that alarm clock
when he first came home, OF had Ell.
gagged policeman to wake the hired
girl by throwing bricks through her
window.
Brown and Jones were at Cape May
list summer. staying at the same hotel
and occupying communicating rooms.
One day Brown fixed string to the
covers on Jones bed and ran the cord
through the door into his own room,
His purpose was to jerk the coysrs Off
as soon as Jones got comfortably fixed
for the night. But that afternoon
Brigadier-General Muffin came down,
and as the hotel was crowded, the |
landlord put Jones in the room with
Brown, aud gave Jones' apartment 10
the General. Brown forgot about the
string, and he and Jones went to bed.
About midnight Jones' dog while
prOwling around the room got the
string tangled about his log, and in
struggling 10 reach the window he
slowly dragged the bed-clothes off the
brigadier next door. That gentleman
awoke, and aftnF bowling at his wife
tor removing the blankets, went 10
sleep again. Presently Jones dog saw
a rat and darted for it. Off came the
covers again. Then the man of war
was mad. lie reused his wife and
scolded her vigorously. She protested
her innocence, and while she was
speaking, Jones dog heard another
dog outside, and hurried to the win.
dow to bark, The rDYers were again
removed. Then the brigadieF fumblel
about Until he foand the cord. Then
he loaded up bis vevolvers, drew his
sword, and dared Jones and Brown to
npen that door and come ont into the
entry. They peeped at him over the
transom, observed his warlike prepa-