The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1874-06-03

S Why is grass like penknife? Be
cause the spring brings out the blades.
Farmers gather what they sow, while
seamstresses sew what they gather: "
The Worcester, Mass, crusaders have
stormed q printing Office. Nobody killed.
Mrs. Cree, who took a second hus-
band the other day, evidently wanted to
;5ere-mate. ~ : ''';'".' . ~ .
it q man dreams the devil is after
him, It is sign he had better settle his
subscription bill. "
Dobbs thinks that instead Of giving
credit where credit Is due, the cash had
better be paid.
A Maine woman has hair seven feet
and five itiches long-too long to be
available for use in butter.
A toast-Woman the last and best Of
the series-if we may have her for a
toast, we won't ask for any but-her.
An Indiana man was lately buried in
8 coffin made from q tree which he
planted. How happy he must have
been!
Charles Lamb, in speaking of one Of
his rides on horseback, remarked that
'''all at once the horse stopped, but /
kept right on"
The proposition to introduce ladies as
railroad conductors Is frowned upon In
view of the fact that their trains are al
ways behind.
The New Bedford, Mass, editors are
collecting big eggs by means of artful
>little paragraphs praising the persons
who send in the eggs.
What is the difference between Jew
and q lawyer? The one gets his law
from the prophets, and the other his
profits from the law.
The Brooklyn Argus says that petit
ton for the relief Of Boston, and for
bidding the delivery Of any more Sum-
'mer eulogies, is in circulation.
The San Francisco sea captain who
traded the ships Bible for thirteen plugs
'of tobacco is spoken Of very severely by
the religious press of that city.
Why are the ladies the biggest thieves
I'm existence? Because they steel their
spetticoats, bone their stays, crib their
babfss ard hook their dresses.
Autographs of G. Washington now
sell in philadeiphia for dollar apiece,
Pretty soon It wlll'be necessary to offer
p chrome with cheese signatures to sell
them at all
A man Ia Boston, In his hurry to as
sist 2 aMinting lady, got > bottle Of mu-
cusge instead of camphor and bathed
her face with it: She was q good deal
stuck up with his attention. Ef& >e
The editor of the American Sports
man, published at Meriden, Conn.,, has
gabeught d. five hundred dollar dog, and
meets belfigerent visitors with a happy
smile Of calm content. ".''''
Advice to persons living in houses
adapted foE two families When your
SHE'LL rings, wait; the other people may
TO to the door. When their bell rings,
rusir to yoat door and listen devoutly.
A teacher, who, in q At Of vexation,
called her pupils set Of young adders,
ON being reproved for her language,
sapologized by saying that she was speak
:.7ng TO those just commencing their
Arithmetic. - e. - '.''..
The title of religious article on
"Mirth as d Means of Grace is per-
verted by rural compositor into "Mirth
as Means of Grease" He was doubt
Ness thinking, of the proverb: Laugh
land grow fat.''' 60 '',.'
A gentleman of Louisville has dog
. q pointer, The dog ran UP the steps of
a house and refused to come down. His
master followed and found IA. Part
ridge" on the door-plate. This illus
ttrates the force of instinct,
To see how eagerly a human being
will catch at q straw 1t Is not necessary
TO wftness,a drowning mani. The phe-
fiiomenon fs now manifest, chiefly with
in SALOONS, where one end of the straw
il Immersed In a'tumbler.
A Milwaukee boy has swallowed half
a dozen steel buttons, and his mother
Z doesn't have to scream for him when he
is out on the street playing with those
I: :Cluckerson boys. She just brings a
magnet to the door, and he flies to it
like a needle to the pole.
A literal-minded youngster was picked
up by visitor of the family, WHO dand:
ling him on his knee, said: II wish 1
hsf shls IhSh shf pfe%pty sSSaei %Ge Te
sponded the child: ~ khoW there is,
ser I swallowed cent %hsn I was at
gtshdma's t6e other day."
A man in the Philsdelphia insane
asylum imagines himself q woman. He
dresses himself in female gttlrp and
parts his 'fiair in the middle, During
the day he associates with the females
and does sewing and embroidery Of the
finest kind: He has been reserved for
The Centepnial'
" 4 few days ago a hungry party sat
dGg d At the Welfsspread slipper table Of
sSobkd steamer, upon which one Of the
dishes contained q trout Of moderate
size. "A Aserious-lookfng individual drew
this dish towards him, saying, apollo
getically, Ivfhis is fast day with me-"
His;nsxt neighbor, nm Irish gentleman,
Immediately inserted his fork into the
fish aud transferred It to his own plste,
"Sir, do you suppose nobody
l,aJ a sowf to be saved but y0uself?" J