Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-03-13
HUMOR.

spicuous man in the little town. One day,
while Mr.. Cooper was dining with the Eng
lishman, he poured out some native wine
wine from grapes raised in his own gar
den. Taking up a glass and looking
through it with pride, Cooper remarked,
ssNow, Mr.. Stebbins, call this good, hon.
est wine.' Eyes, Mr.. Cooper, agree with
you, it is honest wine-'poor, but honest. -
Mr.. Cooper went on telling his "Injun''
stories.
A cross-eyed man cast a gloom over a
Detroit street car, last Wednesday, by ask
ing one of seven men and strangers, on the
opposite seat, eff he had any chewing to-
bacco handy" First the seven strangers
looked at each other; then the seven hands
went pocketward and, observing this mo-
ton, each Of the seven supposed his neigh
Dor the one spoken to, and the seven hands
returned empty. The cross-eyed man cast
a ricochet glance of Indignation along the
line, and, with the remark, GA sweet
scented lot of generous ROSTERS took a
chew of his own tobacco.
A crossing sweeper was trying to get
gratuity from an excessively dandified in
dividual, who, in resisting, urged that he
had no change, nothing but twenty-dol-
lar bill. II can get it changed for yer, y
said the youngster. On seeing the dandy
hesitate as if from fear of trusting him
with twenty dollar bill, he put it again,
ssIf yer doubts my honor, hold my broom. !"
A wealthy gentleman, who owns coun-
try-seat, nearly lost his wife, who fell into
river which flows through his estate
He announced the narrow escape to his
friends, expecting their congratulations.
One of them-an old bachelor wrote as
follows: 81 always told you that river was
too shallow
A sailor dropped out of the rigging of a
ship of war, some fifteen or twenty feet,
and fell plump on the head of the first lieu
tenant. sWretch!'' said the officer: after
he had gathered himself up. Where the
deuce did you come from p cam, sure
came from the North Of Ireland, yer
HONOR
A Frenchman, condemned to death for
numbering his wife and child without ex-
tenuating circumstances, demurred to the
sentence, because capital punishment had
been abolished in France for political Of
lenses, and he had killed his wife and child
for no other reason but because they were
Legitimists.
ssIf you don't see what you want, ask
for it, % is posted upin a conspicuous place
in Iogansport grocery. A native STEP
ned into the establishment last week. He
saw the card and remarked: II want 8
ten-dollar bill, and don't see it," mel
ther do IL was the laconic reply.
Said Lord John Russell to Hume. at
social dinner, sWhat DO you consider the
object of legislation 20 1.-THE greatest good
to the greatest number ''What do you
consider the greatest number?' continued
his lordship ssNumber one, my lord, +"
was the commoner's prompt reply.
The following epitaph is offered to the
medical faculty at Philadelphia, to be ill.,
scribed over what is left of the remains OF
the Siamese twins, when they finish cutting
and carving them =
"They were not lovely in their lives,
And in death they were divided
Now we know all about it! The SIAM
ese Twins were Xiphophagus of the class
of Recommendations, and may be
called for short, Omphelophagus Xiphodid-
ymus Popular apostrophe to the Phila-
delphia faculty, in chorus, eve thank thee,
Jew, for teaching us that word.'
A schoolmaster asked one OF his boys, on
sharp, wintry morning, what was Latin
for cold. The boy hesitated little
ssWhat ?'' said the teacher, cannot you
tell 2" eyes, yes" replied the boy; 81
have it at my finger ends"
A lady teacher inquired of the members
of class of juveniles if any of them could
name the four seasons. Instantly the
chubby hand of fve-year old was raised,
and promptly came the answer, pepper,
salt, vinegar and mustard"
A reporter on an Iowa paper wrote
ssYesterday morning, Winter and Spring
kissed each other in the sunrise, and each
spread it's choicest flavor on the purple
air. He was married next day.
A German enthusiast, while Carlyle's
s.Frederick the Great was issuing from
the press bought house in London and
embarked in the heroic en- erprise of rem
dering it into German. He persisted.
A pack of wolves in Sherbourne county,
Minnesota, chased couple of lawyers five
miles. and the New Orleans Republican"
thinks it showed lack of professional
courtesy.
An exchange says: sKeep an eye out
for the early resumption of payment. -
Both of our eyes are already out looking
for it, and so are our elbows.
A Western enthusiast exclaims, SID
rather be doorkeeper in the hall of the
Grangers, than to shovel sugar in the store
Of the middlelnen."
A poor family in Green Bay had to mort
gage their six dogs last week to get bar
rel Of flour. The case is pitiable.
The placidity of expression worn by a
man who is next in full barber shop,
eannot be counterfeited.
An Englishman, who has three mar
Z riagable daughters, calls them the ''Home
Rule Candidates
The son of the Ex-Emperor Napoleon
IrI will attain his majority on the 18th of
March. :
WHY should artists drink paint Be-
cause it suits their palate. "a
A great hardship-An iron steamer.
Rooted sorrow--An aching tooth.