Omaha daily bee., 1874-05-18
Fun in a Police Court:in Detroit.

sdlu DIJdh, 40 IAS opPSN oh 'AS USSt
"and all you who don't maintain
proper decorum, and so forth, will
get into trouble"
"Oh, Shay? is that you?" inquir-
ed his Honor, as Catherine Shay
was brought out.
al wish / wasn't" she replied,
folding her arms across her apron
and carefully studying the knot
holes in the floor.
"Well, let the swearer swear,"h he
continued, as the officer held up his
right hand; and as soon a We get
at the facts in the cas you a tell
whether you've got to pay rent this
summer, or whether you'll get your
board for nothing"
1t was disturbing the peace. She
disturbed it just a little-just a little,
she admits, but it was all on ac-
count of another woman, whocalled
her a grass-widow and tainted her
with wanting to marry. There was
no w%hOoping or yelling-no pulling
hair and rolling downstairs, and
Catherine wouldn't do so again for
$50, she says.
Catherine" continued the court,
as he carefully poised the penholder
on his finger and got it to balance,
"you are growing old. Upwards of
sixty years of struggle with the
world has made your hair gray,
your cheeks hollow, and your eyes
dim. You can't expect to live
many years longer, and why don't
you 90 home, sit down in a splint>
bottom chair, lug out your clay-pipe,
and calmly drift down the river of
contentment to the ocean of eternal
happiness ?"
Catherine squeezed several tears
out of her left eye, and they fell
with a thud upon the floor.
AGO, poor old woman" continued
the Court, ego home and be happy.
1t affects me to see the aged cheek
trickling down the briny tear, and
if l should send you to the work
house l couldn't expect to get a taste
of my Strawberries and cream this
summer"
No such sentiments actuated the
Court in the ase of Joseph Flynn,
whose closely cropped hair stood up
like matches in a mud pie. When
Joseph was told that the charge was
drunkenness, he fatty denied it,
claiming that he was taking a gen.
tie spring tonic for the liver COM
plant.
at may belt may be-" said the
Court, in a reflective tone; "this is
the gentle spring season, and 1
know that folks do have the liver
complaint, and do take tones. But,
sir, look me in the ey0-and tell me
what you were doing last night at
midnight. Did that gentle spring
tonic throw you on a coal-pile, and
keep you shouting and whooping
for a whole hour? And you
kicked at the officer, and you wan
ted to bounce him, and you left one
of his coat-tails on that bloody field.
Tonic, sir-tonic-such tOnics, sir,
cannot be forced down the throat of
this court, and you go up, sir, for 80
days or thereabouts."
ale wants to be forgiven" said
Bijah, as he escorted ont James
Heeley. "He says If you'll let
him go this time he hopes to drop
dead if he doesn't go at it, and buy
stock in a leading temperance pa
per, and keep a cold water fountain
in every room in the house."
~ can't do it," replied his honor,
after hearing the testimony. "lf it
had been u common drunk !
wouldn't say a word, but when q
man has to be wheeled down here
and logged around and lifted, 1 can
not pat him on the back and send
him out into the world again. If
he ever edits a temperance paper
I'll willingly subscribe, but just now
he is going up for thirty days."
Bijah brought out rs his last case
a relic of the last century, named
Peter Mcconnell, a man seventy
five years old.
"Where's the thirteen men who
brought in this prisoner ?" de-
manded the Court, as they prOpped
the old man UP with a chair and
held his head.
No answer.
"Take him away" his Honor
continued; "go and get him some
milk and cakes, and give him
money to sit on the ferryboat and
hear the hand play 'Mollie Darling
until he falls asleep and some angel
leads him over the valley of death.
Go right out, old man. If / sent
you up I'd expect to have a sewer
tax levied on me once a month the
year round.-Detroit Press.