Port Royal commercial and Beaufort County Republican. [volume] (Port Royal, S.C.) 1873-1874, 1874-02-05
My Deaf Wife and Aunt.

the wickedness which I perpetrated
toward my wife and ancient relation.
"My DEAR" said I to my wife on the
day before my aunt's arrival, "you
know Aunt Mary is coming tomorrow /;
well, I forgot to mention rather an
noying circumstance with regard to her.
She is very deaf; /; and although she can
hear my voice, yet you will be obliged
to speak extremely loud in order to be
heard It will be rather inconyenient,
but know you will do everything in
your power to make her visit agreea-
BILE"
Mrs. - announced her determine
ton to make herself heard, il in her
power.
I then went to John N, who loves
Joke about as well as any person I
know of, and told him to be in the
house at P. NJ. the following evening,
and felt comparatively happy.
Iwent to the railroad depot with O
carriage next night, and when I was on
my way home with my aunt, I said
"My dear aunt, there is one rather
annoying infrmity that Annie (my wife)
has, which I forgot to mention before.
She is very deaf, and although she can
hear my voice, to which she is accus-
toned, in its ordinary tones, yet you
will be obliged to speak extremely
loud in order to be heard. I am sorry
for it."
Aunt Mary, in the goodness of her
heart, protested that she rather liked
speaking aloud, and to do 80 woald
afford her great pleasure.
The carriage drove UPON the steps
was my wife-in the window was John
N, with O face as utterly solemn
as il he had buried his relatives that
afternoon.
Clam delighted to see you," shrieked
my wife, and the policeman on the OPP
posite side was startled, and my aunt
nearly fell down the steps.
"Kiss me, my DEAR" bawled my
aunt; and the windows shook as if
with the fever and ague. I looked at
the window; John had disappeared.
Human nature could stand it no longer.
poked my head into the carriage and
went into strong commissions. :.
When I went into the parlor my wife
was helping Aunt Mary to take off her
hat and cape and there sat John with
his face buried in his handkerchief.
"Did you have a pleasant journey?
suddenly went off my wife like q pistol,
and John nearly jumped to his feet.
"Rather dusty" was the response, in
a war-whoop, and the conversation con-
tinued.
The neighbors for blocks around must
have heard it. When.I was in the third
story CT the building heard every
word.
In the course of the evening my aunt
took occasion to say to me: Chow
loud your wife talks !"
I told her deaf persons talked loudly,
and that my wife being used to it, was
not affected by the exeition, and thai
she was getting along very nicely with
her.
Presently my wife said softly" Alf
how very loud your aunt talks p
eyes, )" said I, call deaf persons do
You're getting along with her finely
she hears every word you say" And
rather think she did.
Exalted at their success Of being un
derstood, they went it hammer and
tongs, till everything on the mantel
piece clattered again, and l was seri
ously afraid of a crowd collecting il
| front of the house.
But the end was near. My aunt be.
ing of an investigating turn of mind
was desirous of finding out whether
the exertion Of talking was injurious tc
my wife. So" Doesn't talking sc
loud strain your lungs ?" said she, il
an unearthly whoop, for her voice wa:
not as musical as it was when she wa:
young.
eft is an e1ertion," shrieked my
wife.
"Then why do you do it !? twas the
answering scream.
Because-because-you can't heal
if I don't"
"What |" said aunt, rivaling a rail
road whistle at the time.
I began to think it time to evacuatt
the premises and looking around anG
seeing John gone, stepped into the
back parlor, and there he lay fiat on hi
back, with his feet at right angles with
his body, rolling from side to side will
his fist poked into his ribs, and mos
agonized expression of countenance
but not uttering sound. l immedi
ately and involuntarily assumed simi
lar attitude, and I think from the rela
tive position of our feet and heads ant
our attempts to restrain our laughter
apoplexy must inevitably have ensusd
if a horrible groan which John gave
vent to in his endeavor to suppress hi:
visibility had not betrayed our hiding
place.
In rushed my wife and aunt, who by
this time comprehended the joke, and
such scolding as I got then 1 never
got before, ano I hope never to gel
again.
I know not what the end would have
been if John, in lis endeavors to be re
spectful and sympathetic, had not giver
vent to such a groan and horse laugh
that all gravity was upset, and We
screamed in concert.
know it was wrong, and all that, tc
tell such a falsehood, but think that
Mrs. Opie herself would have laughed
if she had seen Aunt Mary's expression
when she was informed that her hear
ing was defective.
SMART G1nI.- During a raid through
Florida bright little girl was found al
one house, her parents having ske'