, 1874-01-18
A LABOR.SATING INVENTION.

/ muEard Y1Vaudlere, WAS soon founa- uenlal r. al
impossible.
| 4 LAB0R.SAVING INVENTION.
Monsieur Pcque,s Patent ScIS-IKnkinE.
Stem Winding, Hrecch Londtn@,
Sevcn-OctaVe, Non-Exptostye, Auto-
mnstc Urchin Chastiscr and Com
| bined Ksnir-Comb, Editorial Protect
or, and Aash-Cutter-
G. r. P<qu<, in tbs La Crosse Liberal Denaaeras.
This is an age OF invention, and there is nc
knowing what day may bring forth Promi-
nent educators have for years racked their
brains and consumed midnight oil to devise
some method whereby the youthful student,
the urchin with thick-soled pantaloons, could
be chastised as the gravity Of his offense might
demand, without indicting a more severe pun
ishnent upon the lady teachers hand than
upon the child. Previous to the invention OF
this machine, Principals Of schools kave wept to
| zee their assistants go around with their armR
in sling from the effects Of Furnishing scholars.
In many instances, excellent teachers, who loved
their calling, have been compelled to resign
| their positions and get married, because they
had too much on their hands. The matter has
been discussed at the various institutes, and it
had been almost decided to adopt capital punish
ment instead Of the tlme-honorcd taking ACROSS
the knee, when the inventor OF this machine
| stepped in, and by the simple device above
illustrated, he saved the lives Of many valuable
| young ones. The heart Of the inventor
WAS touched at seeing frail school ma'am
with her right hand svelled up to the size Of n
canvas ham, from agitating q boy who had wick
! edly placed pieca Of clapboard inside OF his
| trouse1loons, when be knew that the teacher was
ON the war-path after him. He was bad boy,
aud will probably fetch up in Congress. The
teacher was weeping, and saying she would be
cusaed if she didn't run that boy through =
threshing- machine before she got through With
! lin. Tue idea at once struck tie inventor that
q machine could be constructed that would tan
| the Jacket, as il we're, OF the young Modoc, and
you see the result OF careful thought aud study
in tho machine before you aB spanking machine.
! What change! Instead Of d eading the task
Of punishing scholars, and ahiyesing At the pros
! pect Of bGstered bands, the teacher can enjoy
tho performance. and look forward to the hour
| for doing the days spanking with feeling Of
I pleasure sud gladness and the fro~n formerly
| ma'am gives place to al angelic smile, She
| seats herself at tue instrument, with / dime
novel in her hand, after placing the condemned
| urchins in q row within reach Of the hoistlng
apparatus, Or ice-tongs she sniles, touches
tho enatcll-brake with her foot, and the
doomed u1chin is launched into-if not into
| eternity, he will thlnk so before that
hand lets up on him. With 8 smile playing
over her textures she works her tiny loof,
and tue avengins- hand descends. the boy
SAYS his Non ! lay me-" and the old
machine works as though endowed with life,
liberty, and the pursuit Of happiness. {Cara
should be taken not to work the machine too
rapid at first, as it may make it hot for the boy.
fatal results. Any teacher can work it all right
after perchance killing few scholars Of the
cheaper kind.) 1t will only take moment OF
treadng to make auy boy sorry he enlisted, when
he can be dropped, and the next can be snatehed.
whole school can be spanked up in fifteen
minutes, il the teacher is anything OF tresder.
We make different sized machines, suitable for
the primary department, the intermediate, the
high school, and mechanics are at work con-
structing one OF huge proportions for the
Chairman Of the Republican State Central Com
mittee, to be used on uoruly members Of that
party.
The easo with which this machine can be-
changed from Que thing to another will convince
the reader that it is almost human. It will 1e-
mind ono OF & politician every time it changes.
To change it from spanking machine to self
raker. al you have to do is to unsc1ew tlo
t'hand, II remove it, and screw on fue comb,
change hands with the boy. and proceed to
search for things THAT live and move, and have
being, and bite boys heads. This will tend to
relieve mothers Of much searching investigation,
as the school-teaeher can, By simply moving her
feet, keep the heads Of all the children free from
the festive bug that at times makes Life burden.
Don't you SEQ :
Every editor in the land will thank Us on bis
beudcd knees for the invention, ~ it solves
problem that had disturbed the minds OF the
knights OF the SCISSORS for many generations,
viz: How to exterminate the exchange feud,
the man who steals exchanges when you are
busy writing. The editor eau have = machine
sitting in his office. In place OF the hand OF
Providence we screw q cast~iron fat weigh
T.. 4 -. L.
the 6end for Life, rou work tie treadlo mildly,
and merely mash his eye out, and italicize his
nose, and break his jaw-bone. But II he is al
old offender, and you want to make an exam-
pie OF him, you keep treading,. and the pile
u,iYer will come down on him like President
on a Liberal Postmaster, and break every bono
10 his body, and hatteu him as thin ~ one OF
Colfa1's yindicatiops.
To transform the machine into hash-cutter
is is only necessary to unjoinr the hand snd put
in its place ordinary choppins-kuife, and set
the machine to running. Tor course it ia unde1
stood that the boy should bo removed and d
piece Of beef hoisted in his place, unless you
are fond OF boy hash.) We have testimonials
our machine has been used as hash-cut:er, and
they all unite in pronouncing it tho most
successful aid to the dissemination Of meat that
has lost it's charm for boarders that they ever
Haw. Only one accident has occurred thus far.
At Madison hotel the proprietor had been
chastising ono Of the dinng-room girls With tho
machine, and stepped out 10 see man, leaving
the girl i1os.ed on the ice-tongs. Tie cook took
the machine to cut some meat for hash, and for
got to take the girl down, and she was cut finer
than mnstard-sced. One OF the boarders Was
the first to discover the tragedy. He got piece
Of earring on his p1ate and Immediately gave
the alarm. but it was too late. Tie funeral was
largely attended. These accidents need mot
occur il the manipulation Of the Machine uses or
dinary caution
There is no end to the different uses to which !
the machine can be put. Anything that re-
quires strong horizontal motion can be done
better by machinery. and this machine will ill
want long felt. But it is as an urchin-chas- |
tiser that ifs principal merit lies, and III which |
its owners expect to amass fortune. It is
not only in the school-roo1n that tho machine ]
can be- utilized. but in the family. ANY family
that has thlrty- five OF forty children can make !
machine pay for itself in a year, and the work |
can be doue much more satisfactorily. Where |
families are smaller several can club together |
aud own ono in partnership. and one can DO ap-
pointed to chastlse whole neighborhood: The
invention OF this machine opens q field for the !
unemDOyed by which tley can mako q rood lly-