Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-05-01
HUM OR.

asks Western journalist; s'the seaside is
no better for such practices than any other
locality. In fact, we have put in some
very sweet work of that kind on the tow
path of canal in our time, but did not
say any thing about it in print"
elbow much better it would have been to
have shaken hands and allow it was all a
mistake, y said a Detroit judge. "Then
the lion and the lamb would have lain
down together, and white-robed peace
would have famed you with her wings and
elevated you with her smiles of approba-
ton. But no; you went to clawing and
biting and rolling in the mud, land here you
are. It's five dollars piece"
lis that an esculent ?" inquired Pro-
fessor Hotchkiss the other day of a huck-
ster who displayed in the market mann
moth and very oddlooking vegetable
The mans face assumed a seornful smile,
and after he had studied the professors
form contemptuously for a moment, he an
sWered s'Esculent! thunder and light
ming. no that IS blue nose potato"
In Marysville, Cal, the other day, a
Newfoundland dog walked into market,
dropped ten-cent piece out of his mouth,
and walked off with whole salmon. The
butcher says some folks may call that dog
intelligent, but he thinks that a dog that
can't distinguish between ten-cent slice
and a five-dollar fish hasn't got even COM
mon sense.
Another Division street match has been
broken off. He went up to Fond du Lac
last week, and she wrote that ''life is like
the clouds, so sombre, leaden, gray, while
you are gone" Yesterday he returned,
and learned that an hour after the letter
was posted she was off to dance with a
Wisconsin street clerk WilaCaukee Sen
tia,el.
A North Carolina editor thus writes
''With wearied brain and fatigued limbs
from the duties of the day, as we bend
over manuscript, the soft and soothing
strains of music, such as only Johnson's
band can make, falls upon our ears, and
the revivifying influence is as though some
magic wand had passed over u.s.
A colored Mississippi legislator lately
proposed bill to make each member Of
the legislature, present and future, a bona
fide attorney and counsellor at law. His
reasoning was direct: For" said he, If
we know enough to make de laws, why
don't we practice UNI ?" Sure enough,
WHY not +?
George Selwvn, friend of old Lord
Holland, had morbid love Of seeing exe-
cutions, death-beds and dead bodies
When Lord Holland lay dying he said to
his attendant, eff Mr.. Selwyn calls to-
morrow be sure to admit him; for if am
living I shall be glad to see him, and if |
am dead he will be delighted to see me-"
The Troy ''Times" relates that prisoner
was brought before justice there, charged
with surreptitiously gaining admittance to
the fair grounds, by jumping over fence,
He was fined SIS, which he paid with a $50
note, the justice giving him the change
The next day it was discovered that the
$50 was bogus.
A Western exchange says: ''The gift
chrome business has reached its sublimest
attitude in Washington county. An en-
terprising clergyman offers ian elegant
chromo'' to every person who shall not
miss one of his sermons for year,
According to the Cincinnati CONNER
cial'' a New Orleans reporter was found to
have a wife in Vicksburg, another in
Natchez, another in Cairo, another in
Memphis and then they stopped counting
and put him in jail.
An old lady, hearing some one reading
about a ongressman-at-large rushed to
the kitchen door shouting Sarah Jane,
Sarah Jane! don't you leave the clothes
out all night; mind, I tell you, for there's
a Congressman at Target"
Milwaukee thought she had case where
in young girl died of a broken heart, but
it turned out that her corset-strings were
too tight, and one stroke of jack-knife
revived her.
'sDid you execute this instrument with
out fear or compulsion from your hus-
! band ?" blandly asked the judge. "Fear
compulsion! He compel me! You don't
know me, judge"
An Iowa judge has decided that 'sfeller
can wink at gal in spellin school without
laying himself liable to a breach of promise
suit" but alas the spelling school season
has nearly closed.
A Mississippi paper proposes this motto
for the country
Corn and Economy,
Hog and Hominy.
In st. Louis everybody is considerate,
and therefore daily paper remarks
"Two gentlemen and lady left for the
Penitentiary last week.
The saloon keepers of Chicago have
agreed to suspend the free lunch system,
and many citizens will now have to 90 to
work.
The man who remarked that the Prince
of Wales was born with a crown on his
head, was not aware that all children are
SO born.
She tied the halter to her waist, and led
the cow to water; the brute took fright
and gave twist-'My daughter oh, my
daughter ~
Tailor, measuring a fat customer
Would you hold the end sir, while I so
ronnd p
Beeeher's last declaration in church is
that ''greenbacks are government lies. y
If that is theology give us more of it.
It is suggested that a sexton" would
he more seryiceable than "sextant" on