The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1874-03-20
SPLINTEgS.

Il SPLINTERS.
| Rhode Island will try and max,
room for a grange or two.
/ Who will get in his crops if b,
leaves his farm to head the Grang
ers?
Never take your boots to b,
mended by a cobbler whom yol
have offended.
A country editor has just be
come the father Of twins, and yel
he wants the constitution
changed.
A Michigan schoolma'an
points out the sad fact that nc
schoolmaster has ever been presi
dent.
A Chicago clergyman preached
8 sermon in q billiard saloon last
Sunday. He made nineteen
points.
A Portland editor speaks of an
alderman of that city as "the
wooden-headed fool from the
Fourth Ward"
A western critic recently said
of a new novel. ats incidents fol-
low each other like q shovelful of
hot Goals"
San FRANCISCO is opposed to
Woman's rights. It wants the
Legislature TO prohibit woman
from selling liquor in saloons.
It is getting into the churches.
The sexton of Baptist church in
Troy has walked off with two
thousand dollars of the pew rents.
Owing to the continued efforts
of the Paris Society for the Pre-
vention of Cruelty to Animals
bull fights have been prohibited
in France.
One of the attractions of q San
Francisco theater is q man who,
with a rifle, at thirty PAGES dis
lance, shoots a half dollar out of
another mans hand.
Somebody says, that Boston,
having swallowed various other
neighboring towns, is snow greas-
ing the ears of Maiden, prepare
tory to duglutition."
"Mono- poets" is the new name
for persons vino write but ono bit
of verse and then die. This isn't
the kind of poet that sends pieces
to the papers.
Eli Love, of Wayne County,
Ohio, climed tree to shake out
coon. The dog heard some
thing drop and he went for it, but
it was not the coon. It was Eli.
A divorce lawyers advertise
ment: Hymenial incompatible
ties, as a speciality, delicately ad-
justed. "Tis slavery to detain
the hand after the heart hath
fed"
"Hell on Change" irreverent
heading with which the Chicago
times introduces its description of
the red-hot times in our stock ex-
change the other day.
Daniel Pratt, the "Great Ameri
can Traveller" accuses Henry
Ward Beecher of stealing and
printing in the Christian Union
an article written by him for the
Yale Courant.
There is a man in DanVille,
KY, who has a habit of drinking
kerosene oil. Probably it tastes
better than the whisky obtainable
in his heighborhood, and it Ger.
tainly must be cheaper.
Jones says hc always makes up
his mind regarding the value of a
horse by the abundance, length
and beauty of his tail, for it's g
well-attested fact that 'salps well
that ends well"
Mount Vernon, Xenia, Muskingum
McConnellsville, and Cadiz,
Each bids q long farewell to Rum,
And yells out, $50 1t, ladies'"
Upon a man whose body was
found in n river, a coroner's jury
in ireland returned the verdict
that the Individual came to his
death by a blow on the head,
(which was given either before OF
after drowning"
Some young men in Green Bay
presented a preacher with q horse
and received his heartfelt thanks
Two days after the presentation
the horse was taken away by tn,
farmer from whom it had beer
stolen.
A gentleman going up Sixth av.
enue, New York, met a laborer, tC
whom he said: "Will you tell M
if 1 am half way to Contra
Park?" Faith, an I WILL" wa
the reply, ''if You tell me wher
you started FROM"
A Sacramento dealer in hair oil
who sold on the principle of 'tn'
cure, no pay" has sued one OF hi
bald-headed customers, and tn,
latter demands q bald-heade'
jury, in order that he may b.
tried by his peers.
Electric belles-female TELEGRAPH
operators. Movers melodies
the sharpening Of che seythe.
This is highly colored: 9Th
lilacs are budding" says q WiscoI
sin editor. "You lilac S2tan," re
spends one of his readers. "Yo
violet TRUTH politely replied th
editor, and both are given over t
, blue devils.
A writer in a Kansas paper n
marks upon the result Of the re
| cent election. He says 1.-THE fa
( of corruption has been dispellet
E and the wheels of the State GO
! eminent will no longer be tran
: melted by sharks that have best
I the public prosperity like locusts'
!. They have a mud hole in Bel
nington SO deep that small chill
rem are frequently lost in it, an
, the Gazette says: 1--WE don
! care any thing about it," caul
) our folk are just out of children
but for the sake OF our sufferin
. neighbors, we call attention to Il
= matter"
e The Savannah News says 9 N
= gro was buried alive in q well {
5 Butler recently. His friends du
n down to him in about fOuP hOuI
It and found him alive and We