The Tipton advertiser. [volume] (Tipton, Cedar Co., Iowa) 1856-1962, 1874-04-16
W.T. AND HunoR.

A marriage in . buggy lately TOOK
place in Virginia: but the vehicle af-
forwards overturned, and the bride
became ! little sulky.
The following question is respect
fully addressed to the clergy:
"Whethcr q person who sits in the
gallery Of the church is responsible
for deeds done in the body?"
A Vermont school teacher has solv-
ed the problem at last. He makes
unruly boys turn = grindstone one
thousand times, while another boy
bears on it with stick of wood.
flames Magin," said Kansas JUS
tice n he closed case. "you have
been convicted Of hollering murder
when there was no murder, and | fine
you $20."
An Indiana editor mildly remarks:
"If you can't bring US wood, remem-
Der us in your prayers. 1t is some
thing to know, as we sit and shiver,
that we are not forgotten if,he stove
is cold.''
An editor, who speaks with the air
Of man who has discovered new
fact by experience, says that the new
way to prevent bleeding at the nose
is to keep your nose out of other peo-
pies business.
Watterson of the Courier-Journal
gazes mournfully upon the fourteen
children Of Mr.. Asa, of Kansas, and
remarked with sigh that fourteen
Asas in one hand is mine Of wealth
to any one that has capital.
The sexton Of a church in West
field lately stole the pastors watch,
which was left upon the pulpit on
Sunday. 1t only illustrates the fallen
condition Of our race. Most of us
take more interest in slime" than in
"eternity."
Young men-don't be discouraged
If yure mus!ach don't gro. 1t sum-
times happens where a mustach due
the best nothing else due SO we'll"
I.arn tew wait!-this is hard gait
for yung man tew travel, but is the
surest way to git thar.
Last week, in Ohio, a young lady
died from what round-headei old
doctor said was s.heart klot or cmby-
olism Of the main flute Of the heart,
but she revived in an hour, and il
was found she had been temporarily
choked by chew of gum which she
had swallowed.
A Keokuk, Iowa, dandy rubbed
his hands with glycerine to make his
New Years gloves go on. When he
had concluded his calls he was de-
lighted to discover that he had mista-
ken liquid glue for the glycerine, and
all that night and the next day he sat
refectively holding his hands in a
washbowl of warm water.
There is no use trying to arouse
children in the morning, at this sea-
son Of the year, under the maxim that
the early bird catches the worm.
There isn't any worm to catch, and
they know it. Just as soon as the
frost is out, SO that the worm can be
caught the boys will be up and have
him to 60 fishing with.
One of our contemporaries states
that much ruffled young lady of his
acquaintance, with four button kid
gloves, refused to 60 out and take
her music lesson last Saturday, be-
cause her mother had neglected to
darn hole in her stocking just where
it peeped over the edge of her boot.
Some mothers are SO careless and la
zy.
A Bedford, Pa, newspaper tells of a
girl who stands on half-bushel
measure and gracefully shoulders
three bushels of wheat. To doubt
ing editor in an adjoining county, the
newspaper mentions the fact that she
is brunette, five feet three inches
longitude; that her gravity is two
hundred and twenty-five pounds, and
that she can whip any editor in Cam
bria county.
As soon as the Congressional chap
lain closes his appeal 10 the Throne
Of Grace there is a clapping of hands
all over the floor. II is the way the
members have Of calling pages to
their side. Every Congressman be-
gins his days labor by giving an or
der to messenger; hence the clap
ping is universal and uproarious.-
"Well, that beats me,n said an elder
ly man in the gallery, with mud on
his boots, which looked as though i,
had been brought from the other side
of the Potomac; 81 don't see any
thing in that prayer worth cheering"
A colored man applied to Boston
savings-bank, wishing to draw one
dollar. The clerk informed him that
the iron rule of the institution forbid
the drawing Of less than three dollars.
Our colored brother was in deep
study for few moments, and then
said: "Sar, I'll take de free dollars"
The three dollars were paid to him,
when he at once added: "Now, sar,
if yer please, sar, I'll 'poset two dol
lars in de institution The amount
was duly received and credited, when
with the loose dollar in his pocket, he
gave the clerk sly wink, and walk.
ed away.
A sailor, explaining qaadrille to
his messmate, thus describes the
third figure: "You first heave ahead"
said he, "and pass your adversary's
yard arm, regain your berth on the
other tack in the same order, take
your station with your partner in line,
back and fill, and then fall ON one
knee, and bring up with your part
ner; she then mannvers ahead, off
alongside Of you; then make sail in
company with her, until nearly
astern Of the other line, make stern
board, cast her of to go for herself,
regain your place the best way you
can, and let 60 your anchor.
determination IF Rats