South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-05-22
WIT AND HUMOR.

Why is thief like mosquito? Because he
prowls around at night.
market.
An Indiana paper having recently changed
hands, the retiring editors valedicory was SIM
ply, "Tve quit" and the salutatory of the new
manager was i'we've comm enced
An old minister once recommended a par
ishOner to take snuff to keep him awake during
the sermon, to which the old back slider rotor /
ed, that he had better put snuff in the Sc rmou
A Southern paper relates that during the
war one of the colored troops away from a
light, and was severely reprmanded by lieu.
tenant, who sneeriugly asked him if he thought
the company would have missed him much If be
had been killed. Sambo promptly replied, mot
much, boss; dey don't miss de white folks,
much less poor niger. But den would hab
miss myself-and dsts dc pint wild me %
IL fear, said country minister to his
flock, when explained to you in my last char
ity sermon that philanthropy was the love of our
species, you must have understood me to say
specie, which may account for the smallness Of
the collection"
Napkins, sir napkins :" roared Green
bay landlord "No, sir, we havnt got any
but if you want to wipe your nose I'll lend you
my handkerchief 20
"A gentleman, visiting an freshman, noticed
monster pig strutting about the house, and ask.
ed how they got such brute up those two stairs
May it PLACE yer honor" said Paddy, sit was
nver down to be tux up
and go they co. said member Of a Boston
school communications great men are fast Dc
parting-frst Greeley, then Chase, and now
Sumner-and don't feel very well myself"
Scene 10 The Mississippi Legislature. ',lr
Speaker Mr. Speaker! Mister Speak er ain't
titled to de 40, sab got up, sab next after
Mr.. Smith, who was next after Mr. johnson, who
was next after Mr. Brown, who come next to
Mr.. Burns, who was next to Mr. Bates who was
next to Mr.. Ball, who was next to Mr. Blue
who was next to Mr.. Barclay sab, and have
stood here ut til they all got through turnaLout
and now its ny..turu."
"A lady of Washington county, New York
is the mother of large family of children, and
they all rather diminuiive. a few days az
ter the birth of the youngest, little niece of the
lady, called to see the baby. After looking at
the tiny specimen for few minutes, the little
girl said "Aunt Maria, don't you think it
would be better to have less Of en- and have
cm bigger -
Two heads are better than one. especially
il barrel.
-Bobbs complains that his wife is an nna.
zionist. She blows him up every day aud makes
him circulate until he actually feels that he is
beyond redemption. Poor Bobbs
Chubby, three.ycar old boy, was much
puzzled to know what made i, rsln, when his
Orthodox mother told him that God made ii rain
few days after, Chubby was discovered anus
ing himself by throwing water from "A two-story
window on the heads Of the passers-by, and, on
being demonstrated with by his mother said
why mamma, ! am only playing Cod" OF
course, the mother was Mortified at the com.
parisou.
-Websters dictionary contains over fifty
thousand words. Jone says when he came h me
late the other night, in the space of fifteen nj
utes his wife applied them oil to him, including
some extra ones and the Grc-sbovel
A SCENE N THE L S Dlsrnicr Counr. In
the case Of Johns, Jr., rs Slack E, al being tried
before the U. s. District Court tie following di-
aogue took place
AHorney Please state your name, eye, resi-
deuce and occupation
WHness-My name 10 John Reynolds reside
ia Point Pleasant, Mason county, West Virginia;
my profession for the past two weeks has been
thst ola lawyer, bu, previous to that | was
miilwright
attorney What were YOU engaged in last win
tor
.RHes' burning to The Courl)-Am com
pccd 10 answer that question
'Deri-Yes YOU arc compelled to answer
Witness wen then, gentlemen, am sorry to
state lhat was member Of the West Virgisia
'resla,ure.- Whesiiny S,an5ord
A tombstone at Columbia, Tennessee, las
' inscription "Escarcd The bullcts ofthc en-
my 20 be assassinated by cowurdly pup "a
nd husband and an aHettouo,c father"
"A gentleman coming home at evening, spoke
hastily TO mis- little three year DID, who was play
ing noisily. The little lady dropped Der play
things. and reiterated indignantly 10 a corner
W hats the matter p" asked popo.
Well % said The child "IvC been GOOD