The Portland daily press., 1874-03-03

If your neighbor's hens are troublesome
And steal across the way,
Don't let your angry passions rise,
But fix place Tor them te lay.
"Dinna be sac mean wi it; it's for puir
faitherless BARN." said Scotch woman to al
apothecary who was weighing out two
ounces of calomel for a sick child.
1t was an expressive remark 0f practical
man regarding the woman of the period re-
Gently: ''She don't know enough, sir, to boil
water.''
"Old age is coming upon me rapidly" as
the urchin said, when he was stealing apples
from an old mans garden, and saw the
owner coming, whip in hand.
A Western enthusiast exclams. ''Pd rather
be door-keeper in the hall Of the Grangers
than 70 shovel sugar in the stores OF the
middle men.
The Chicago nter-Ocean sent out man
to make experiments, the other day, ami he
returned with the information that it requires
twenty-eight glasses of lager to assuage a
moderate thirst.
At Mardi- Gras time in Galveston, the Chi
cago Times thinks, the church-yards yawned
and graves gave up their dead. At least, it
can reach no other conclusion upon reading
this head line in local paper: "The city
crowded with breathless spectators"
'sYou are from the country, are you net,
sir?' asked a City Clerk of Quaker who
had just arrived. eyes" swell, here is an
essay on the rearing of calves" "That," said
Aminadab, as he turned to go, ''thee had best
present to thy mother"
An old bachelor in Orleans county {Vt.)
has been deferred from committing matrimo.
ny in the following novel wav: Thinking
over the subject seriously, and particularly
the expense of maintaining a family, he SET
the table in his lonely abode with plates fol
himself and an imaginary wife and five chill
den. He then sat down to dine, and as Of
ten as he helped himself to food he put the
same quantity on each of the other plates,
and surveyed the prospect, at the same time
computing the cost. The result of his exam
ination was so discouraging that he resolved
not to marry; but why he should think he
was to have so large family to provide for,
we cannot explain. He should have remem-
bered the old aphorism; "Ne,er count your
chickens before they are hatched."
/ funny thing happened in Congress the
other day. Sir Edward Thornton, the Brit
ish minister, came into the diplomatic gallery
and member who spied him out, was anx-
ious that some guests of his in the other gal
lery should see the live lord. So he wrote a
little note, saying. ''That old swell with the
mutton-chop whskels Is Sir Edward Thorn
ton," and told a page to take it up stairs.
The page, who had mixed notion who the
note was for, and of whom it was about,
marched straight to lths diplomatic gallery,
and gave it to the ''old swelp' himself Mean
while our NJ. c., watching the progress of
his note, was Mortified to see it in the august
hands of the nobility, and he rushed out
frantically TO swear at the poor little page.
"Did he say anything?" he asked, as soon as
could get his breath. "Yes," SIR" said the
boy, ''he told Inc to take It back to the gen.
tleman who sent it, and say it was very
good description" ..
At one time during the late war our troops
made sweeping advance through Arkansas,
and. under general instructions. took posses
sion of every prominent official of church or
state and s. mt him back under custody until
his status should be determined. Among the
former was the Right Rev. DR.. Lay, then
missionary Bishop Of the Protestant Episco-
nal Church for that jurisdiction, aud well
known for his jealous and efficient labors.
The rector of the little parish at Camden
complained of frequent attacks made upon
the discipline and polity of his church by
Methodist brother who was mnistering to
large congregation in the same place. The
bishops temporary detention took place dur
ind a great revival among the Methodsts,
and was considered too good thing to be
lost. Accordingly the pastor of the flock an
nounced it, during 'evening meeting" thus:
"You may not know, brethren, how these