South Branch intelligencer. [volume] (Romney, Va. [W. Va.]) 1830-1896, 1874-06-26


Nor with my food my fingers soil.
Must keep my seat when nm done,
Nor round the table sport or run.
When told to RISE then | must put
My chair away with noiseless foot;
And lift my heart to God above,
In praise for all his wondrous love
"A little six-year-old daughter Of a Rutland
clergyman watched Barnum's street parade with
great interest the other day, and finally said 10
her papa: 'If want minister's little girl
could go to the circus, but suppose must set
an example to the whole church now"
"A certain lawyer had his portrait taken in
his favorite misunderstanding with one hand in
his pocket. His friends and one Of his clients
went to see it, Every body said
ooh, how much it is like him II is the very
picture of him -
One old farmer, who happened to be present
thought differently.
"Tan't bit like him ~
"Tisnt, eh said half dozen at once"
Gust show US wherein it is rot a capital
likeness"
''Wall, tain't-no use talkin-I tell YOU
faint"
"well, why? Can you tell US why it amt
n good likeness 2"
"Yes-easy enough. Don't you see he has got
his hand in his own pocket 'Twould be as
good again IL he had il in somebody's else's -
oh Mary, my heart is breaking" said an
Aberdeen lover to his Highland Mary. as it,
indeed p So much the better for you" was
her quiet reply "Why, my idol2" Because,
Mr. McSmith hon 10 10 broLo, 80. 81 -.
you can sell the pieces for gun fnts."
al wouldn't be cook for the whole world l'
said a fashionable young lady TO her betrothed
lover. "of course not" he replied. "If you
were to cook for the whole world, you would
never get through your workout you Il be able
TO manage it nicely for our little family"
The Boston Post is opposed TO the PROPOSE
ton to fill the position Of conductor on railroads
with women. "Their trains are always behind, :"
says the Post. Yes, and most women are so IL
mid and none but the brave deserve the fare,
you know.
The N. Y. Tribune has the following foreign
note "a young Engshman the other ev ening
determined to attend a masked ball, and with
acter of a monkey. The night was fine, though
cold, and he was of frugal mind so, instead
of taking q carriage, he set out to walk in cos
tune from his hotel to the ball, two blocks dis
tant Cheerfully walking along in the habit of
his forefathers, he was suddenly deserted by two
immense dogs which, not able calmly TO endure
the sight of monster Of so frightful mien, i'm,
mediately bounced after him. The poor young
man scampered, and with great presence Of mind
frantically climbed high board fence, and there
on the sharp edge of the same, in the cool night
air, he repossd for two hours while the big dogs
beneath sat serenading him and the moon, and
the dance went gayly on without him"
"A lecturer on optics in explaining the me-
chansm Of the organ of vision, remarked ''Let
any man gsze closely into his wife's eye, and he
will see himself looking so exceedingly small
thst"-Here the lecturers voice was drowned
by the shouts Of laughter and applause which
greeted his scientific remark.
"A couple Of gentlemen, strolling along
turnpike, came to a toll-bridge, and one Of them
said al wonder when the bridge was erected
and who built it7"-'T don't know, respond
ed the otber-"but let's go over and we shall
be tolled.
Enthusiastic pedestrian Gam / on the
right road for Stratord Shakespeare town
you know ? You've often heard Of Shakespeare
Intelligent British rustic eyes be you he p
Two young princes Of Austria entered into
violent quarrel, when one said TO the other,
"lou are the greatest ass in Vienna" Just then
the Emperor, their father, entered and said in
diguantly, Come, come, young gentlemen, you
forget that am present"
"A wag, with the word whoa, brought a
horse driven by young TO a dead stop.
That's a fine beast Of yours says the wag 80
Yes, pretty good sort Of an animal, but he
has one fault He was once owned by butch
er, and is sure TO stop when ne hears calf
bleat wag don't say whoa" to that horse
any more.
Who's there said Jenkins, one cold winter
night, disturbed in his repose by some one knock
ing at the street door friend, was the an
swer what do you want7 Want to stay here
All night Queer taste, ain it7 But stay there,
by all means was the benevolent reply.
The modern golden rule-Do others as they
would do you
Many women who are counted honest steel
tDeir petticoats, bone their STAYS crib their ba-