Orangeburg times. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1872-1875, 1874-07-02
NUMBER 2l.
FACTS AND FANcIEs.

FACTS AND FANCIEs.
Two million bushels of peanuts are
every year devoured in the United
States.
-" Do you like the piano ?" some
one asked Theophile Gautier. "I per-
fer it to the guillotine," was the reply.
of the poet.
The clergy cost the United States
$12, 100000 annually; the criminals,
$4O, 100000: the lawyers, $40, ,OOG, eco aeG
rum, 5000, 900, 900.
1t was an expressive remark OF q
practical man regarding the woman of
the period recently: "She doesn't
know enough, sir, to boil water: ''
-tt Where dc wicked little boys go
to who fish on Sunday ?" asked teach
er in o Sunday school. s'Down to-.
Cullom's Rifle" was the prompt reply.
"A. d. 1900. Scene before q crema-
ton undertaker.s shop: Small boy
/" I say, sir, is dad done yet? II he is.
please put his ashes in this ere tin ket-
tle." y ~
"A correspondent asks {: What
takes up moro room on n sidewalk now
adays than q fnshionably.d dressed fe-
male?" Answer-A boy in new pair
of boots"
"A commercial writer suggests that
the hides of oremated persons might be
utilized. This awful suggestion gath
ers force from the fact that the skins of
many people have already been tanned.
"A physician of skill and experience
says n mustard plaster should never be
mixed with hot water, but with the
white of eggs; and when 30 prepared
does its duty as counter-irritant with
out producing the anguish of blister,
as in the old method.
"A New Bedford paper tells o story
about shop-keeper, who advised n
customer to have two mohair switches
instead of one, as the article was be-
coming scarce. He said that the man
whom he hired to hunt NOES had only
caught two within fortnight.
"A gentleman who came several
thousand miles to view Texas with the
purpose of purchasing, got large-siae
red ant on him, and, stranger as he was,
he cavorted around and used as appro-,
pirate language as if he had lived there
all his life, and moved in the best of
society.
The N. o. Picayune doesn't know
why it is that young men always con-
slider it necessary to grin when they are
talking to the other SEX Nobody can
smirk and grin at every word he utters
without losing every one=of those pecu-
liarities which originally distinguished
him from the chimpanzee.
"A very prosaic and matter-of-fact
clergyman recently remarked that if
''all the bones of the victims of intem-
perance could be gathered and made in
to q pyramid, no plain could be large
enough for its base to rest upon, and
the planets would have to be swept
aside to make room for its apex"
Iodine and cantharides will remove
warts, but not 80 fast as buzz-saw.
Hot lemonade will take the velvet eff
bad cold, but if hot whisky wouldn't do
it just as we'll, bad colds would be
scarcer. Gray hairs silver the evening
OF life, but that was before the Poca-
hontas coloring fluid was discovered.
"A gentle Quaker had two horses, O
very good and very poor one. When
seen riding the latter, it turned out
that his better half had taken the good
one, "What !" said sneering bach
elor, /" how comes it that you let your
wife ride the better horse ?" The only
reply was: "Friend, when thee be
married thee'll know"
"A sly old boy, aged eighty, was be-
fore London court for breach of
promise lately. The only thing that
saved him was the economical method
of his spelling in his letters. When he
wanted to say MAY God bless you
and kisses" he only wrote 'M. q. B. U.
and X" I'M. d." in his letters signi-
fed "my dear" and "L. P" little
pet"
"A rather singular present received
by bride last week, was life insur-,
ance policy for $40, 900 on her husbands
life. The poor little thing, all tule
and orange blossoms, wept when she
saw it, and continued to do 80 until her
mamma whispered something in her
ear. Then she raised her eyebrows,
sweetly smiled, and tripped up stairs
to put the policy carefully away.
"A policeman in Detroit heard that a
citizen had been badly injured, and he
called at the house to obtain particulars.
He found the man lying on the lounge,
with his head bound up, and his face
badly scratched. He asked: "What
is the matter? Did he get run over. or
fall down stairs ?" "No, not exactly"
replied his wife "but he wanted to run
the house his way, and I wanted to run
it my way and there he is"
"A writer in an exchange deserves
the respectful sympathy of all gentle-
men who give ont their washing. He
says: cit is awfully annoying to have
some other fellows clothes left in ones
| room by the washerwoman. Saturday
we put on another fellows shirt, but
couldn't wear it. Although it was ruff.
fled around the bottom, the sleeves
we're too short to button cuffs on, and
there was no place for collar"