The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1874-03-21
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES

TO the local fraternity OF law sluucH's'
II the proverb be true that
He who would thrive must rise at five,
it must follow naturally,
He who'd thrive more must rise at four;
and il will insure consequence that,
He who'd still more thriving be
Must leave his bed at turn of three;
And who this latter would Outde
Will rouse him at the stroke of two.
And by way of climax to it AL, it should be
held good that
He who'd never be outdonc,
Must even rise as soon as one.
But the best illustration would be
He who'd flourish best Of all
should never 90 to bed ut all.
A Detroit woman threw the coffee pot at her
husband, and he, having nothing else whcrewith
TO retort. threw their two year-old boy at her.
The court decided that small boys must not be
used as domestic missels and the man is in Il
prison cell.
The temperance movement has taken Oswego,
in this state, by storm. The last saloon keeper
succumbcd when informed by one Of the ladies
that she had just purchased q double -barrced
shotgun and loaded it with twenty buckshot
and would shoot the first man that sold her hus-
band liquor.
The obituaries Of the Dacotah papers are the
envy of the Philadelphia Ltig0, Jim Barrett
had been shoyellfng snow, from which he caught
bad cold, which turned into fever. The fever
settled inns mundane affairs; and local paper
says, most nIectngy, in his obituary. "lIc won't
have to shovel snow in the country he has
gone to-"
The chief clsry Of the Wisconsin assembly is
in trouble at Madison. He explains the matter
in this way in a letter to friend:
You know that 900 mile ticket you sent me.
Well, it has been the means Of getting me into
hot water The boys say that went TO church
on Sunday, and when the good deacon came
round with the corn-popper TO take up the col
lection, that | was asleep and that woke up
thinking the deacon was a conductor, and that
was in ST. Paul railroad car, that took out my
thousand mile ticket and offered it to the deacon
TO be punched. or course such story cannot
hurt me at home, where it is known that | do
not 90 to sleep in church. but here, a stranger,
rs it were | am chidcd and looked at by truly
good members with suspicion. You can imagine
how it is.
Among the gifts to Pennsylvania bride, a few
days since, was broom, to which were attached
the following sweet sentimental lines:
This trining gift accept of me,
Its use would commend;
In sunshine use the brushy part,
In storms, the other end.
dpt0D0s Of the numerous resolutions Of our
legislature to instruct congress what to do, it is
related OF an Iowa legislator, who wrote to the
Lieutenant Governor: Dear sir pleas tell me
what senitcrs are the comfy to VISIT the orfn
asslum at glenwood,' that he voted to instruct
the senators and representatives in congress
hnt cf af m nj NJ
finance and craftsmanship.
Anna Dickinson, in her present lccturing tour,
when she keeps her engagement, which is sell
dom, propounds, as the subject Of her lecture, |
the conundrum whats to hinderw An cx-
change answers the question by saying, "Her
advanced youthfulncss."
The latest "agony" for getting married among
Iowa local editors is, that "the couple resolved
themselves into Il committee of two, with the
power to increase their number"
A Chicago clegyman preached sermon in
billiard saloon last Sunday. He made nineteen
points.
This was in Ohio:
saw the tear drow on her nose
Prismatic Glores She'd
saw the bow of anguish bend
DER the curl-tangled head,
saw the conflict of her soul
The pain that wrought her brow;
Take back the bottle, john she sobbed,
81 cannot smash itnow."
An old lady on train not far from Lafayette, |
hearing the brakeman sing out "Eubank's Cut |
sailed TO the door and asked: as he hurt much ~ |
This reminds Us of an impatient and heartlcss
old lady who remarked, when the train stopped
fifteen minutes at Johnson's Crossing, that iii
johnson didn't hurry up and get across she hoped
the train would run over him" Aurora HTdd. |
The following is not bad imitation of the M
lestic style Of Popcs Homer, aud quite as bcht
ting the lofty theme;
when fierce Orion ploughs the warning deep,
And IabCring crews their anxious Wgils keep; !
when roaring tcrnpests scourGSc the blasted
plain,
And lash the surge, wild tumutuous train
Then may the student burn the midnight oil,
The weary peasant slumbcr from his toll;
The lover, warmed by sweet affections flame,
With tender speeches WOO the blushing dame;
The miscr, burglars hear IN every blast,
Aud pray that locks may keep his chamber fast |
Or whilst the maiden clasps hcrtrcmbling hands |
And mOurns her sca-hoy tUst ON distant sands
Whilst the sad poet dreams in thought profound !
And the grim maniac clanks his chain around,
Let me in frenzy seize yOn hickory bat,
And brave the storm to Kill that bowling Cat!
= woman at Fort Lamaric has sued paper for
saying that she mad murdered three husbands,
when the fact is she hasn't murdered but two,
the third one getting away with a broken rib,
There il nothing like being accurate when deal
ing with such grave matters.
II is rather remarkable, observes contempla-
tive philosopher that while several thousand feet
are required TO make rood, single foot, prop
cTly applied, is often sufficient to make civil.
4 saloon keeper in Dallas county astonished
the praying ladies hy singing Ben Johnson's
beautiful song:
Drink 10 me only with thy eyes,
And will Iiedgc with mine
Leave but Kiss within the cup,
And III not look for tgiE,
A young lady of spirit in Indiana was so dis.
gusted with her young man for running at the |
sight Of ghost that she il making preparations