National Republican. (Washington City (D.C.)) 1872-1888, 1874-04-17
OLE,NCAL HUMOR.
REV. MR.. MCCARTHY, of CHICAGO, CIV

Rev. Florence Mccarthy late pastor OF the
Union Park Baptist churen, chicago, gave hu-
morous lecture on "who wouldRY Be sMinister7'
the other night In that city. -
The lecturer introduced himself to his suffsncs
In the following style: 81 have the pleasure OF in
troducing to you Florence Mccarthy. descend
ant OF the ancient kings OF Munster, but who is
far prouder OF being born in America and living
In Chicago than he is Of his royal desceBt-a man
who Is the most tried man In Chicago, snd who
peppered his descons." After this introduction,
he said he would send streak OF happiness
through tho hearts of his audience by sending
them away deeply thankful that whatever olssin
life they might have to contend with they we're
not ut least o minister.
The disadvantages in . minister's life COM
menced far back In his career-that was to say ut
his nativity. All ministers were said to have
bsen born Of poor but respectable parents The
well-to-do boys don't feel the Divine call to
preach. Having described In fsestious terms the
experience Of young ministers In their youthful
days, first at school, Afterwards in lodgings In
rooms seven stories high, and then as . student
described a. shat man." as he was described
years afterwards by the moderator when he got
himself tried by . council. He proceeded to de-
scribe the nice time minister had when he set
tied over . church.
He was first invited to presch on Sunday, and
did so. Result: He made good impressions; ev-
cry one was kind, but mysterious and non com
initial as mile-post- At the last moment he was
invited to return next Sabbath. He did so, and
preached again. Result: The good manifestation
was deepened; the people wake up little; the
sermon was slightly praised by she deacons; only
BY insinuation, however. At the fourth sermon
the congregation slept rs soundly as infants.
Waking up at the close, the congregation crowded
round him, and told him In . most disnterested
way that. thank God, their church was perfectly
united body; that they were proud they did not
owe q cent, and that they expected at no distant
day to build o fine house Of worship.
A unanimous call was given, with q 500 year.
Nevervas such g unanimous call given to any one
before. It was accepted in tears. The deacons
proposed prayers, and therein expressed their
thanks to the Almighty that the young minister
was so fortunate as to settle in such church,
doing 50 much better than he might naturally
expect TO do. How much confidence could
be placed In these gilt-edged pronisesH They
would learn from the pastor, IL they called upon
him one year afterward, that the church was
divided into three parties aimIrers of three min
listers other than himself; that seventeen men had
not voted on his call, but had pledged themselves
that he should not live IN peace; that the mother
of an interesting family Of girls had voted for him
purely with an eye to business; that another had
voted for him to spite their friends, and that the
could live on nothing.
One Of the first troubles which befell minister
and It was Q matter which they would never
suppose he would have any trouble sbout-was
| the management Of his hair Laughter Happy
| Is the minister whose head Is shapely and whose
hair naturally falls into elegant and handsome
convolutions. He can get as many calls and as
much salary as he needs. If the hair is right It
matters little whether his principles be good or
honfr Nd r faaIf n ia n
ject, said the lecturer. My own hair has been the
cause, fear, of much Of my misfortune. never
thought Of It until recently; but now remember
that the people who ousted me from Union Park
church are exactly those who used to labor with
me about my hair. [Laughter.l Absolutely that
church has split on my hair. [Grest merrlment.I
Amer watching public sentiment in my church
on this subject for about one year, can assure
you there were three parties In It ON the subject
OF my hair. The first insisted on its being
brushed down close. The second on its being
stuck up on end. The third. the conservative
party on having 1t loosed up. Noticing that these
three parties correspondent to three divisions Of 3
sermon, soon fell into the habit OF delivering the
first head OF my discourse with my hair as now.
! [Flsttened to the head.l The second division as
now. Putting his front locks on end, amid the
laughter Of the audience The. third division Of
the sermon generally delivered with my hair
ting his hands through his hair and smoothing
down the more elevated locks, and even now I
don't know that my hair has given entire satisfac-
tion. lMore laughter.l You are aware that in
the middle ages the Catholic clergy introduced
what IS called the tonsure. The reason for doing
this has been asked. have discovered the secret
They found out that IL was entirely useless for
them to crop their hair to suit the people, 50 they
cut II off,
To "a saIh that az q Nathodtst .onfara,oa -
which young minister wished to DO ordained, q
brother asked the applicant If he would not aban-
don his purpose IL shown by the Bible that he was
not called to prehchf Tho young man replied,
| Certainly whereupon tho brother read from
Isaiah the words. 'sHow beautiful upon the noun
tains are the feet Of him who brings good tidings"
at the same time pointing to the candidates
| UNDERSTANDINGS" His feet were about the size
of canal boats will not deny that bad feet have
something to do with failure in the ministry, but
that q tame and commonplace head Of hair will
go far to counterfeit the force Of great elOquence
perfect soundness In doctrine and s2otless purity
of character, know by experience.
Mr.. Mccarthy then presented the humorous
side Of pastoral visltations, expressing his belief
that nine out Of every ten church goers would
rather be struck BY paralysis than for o minister
| to call on them on o week day and ask to pray
with them, and yet IL the pastor leaves the house
Il
| neighbors and complained Of the Indifference Of
the minister. Knowing his experience, the au-
dienee, he said, would expect that he would say
something about deacons, and he would not disap-
| point them.
The greatest sorrow OF ministerial life was the
order Of deacons and It out Of the fact that
those dignitaries are selt-constituted teachers
and masters Of the pastor. Could anything be
more absurdf Deacons resembled the characters
| oT Rnkfonn and in ha
Nights Dream" 1t would naturally be expected
that such o ody Of men would feel some difh-
dence about giving advice, much less giving com.
msuds, to the pastor.
| We have heard of nurses In hospitals giving ad-
vice to the physicians, Of bailifs in court giving
advice to judges, or Of corporas In the army CIV
| ing Instructions to generals, but there was no
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS deacon who, after six weeks
CT Office, did not feel himself competent to revise
the pastors theology and rebuke him for imper-
fsotions which the angels In glory would not
think Of Rejecting on each other. When 9 man
was firSt made deacon he was o modest man, o
Wb.stelIvered, tremulous man.
Z He went round the church In humble, apollo
getic manner, seeming to say, 81 hope don't in
truae, blushlns as does bride when first ad.
dressed as "Mrs." Doacons were like Federal
osacers-they never resigned, and seldom died.
1t took deacon one week to ascertain that his
mission was 70 utu-sbr1uk Inc paslOL. hI4 "
became fully impressed with the Importance he
started of at breakpeck ryn 70 ind his pastor
and when he found him he addressed to him the
following pointed, eloquent and soul-stirring re.
mark: "SIr, think you ought to resign"
No man need consider himself deacon In good
standing unless he has performed this heroic and
selfsacrihclng duty.
The next solemn and dificult duty Of deacon
was to see that his pastor, II single man, mar
ried his daughter. lLsughter.l The lecturer
said that he could not give the exact chapter and
verse Of Scripture in which 1t was found, but he
did know that every deacon thought he had . di
vine right to marry his daughter to his pf.stor
and, wonderful to say, they never had that righi
when the daughter is an eligible person. II the
girl had plenty Of Offers attentions on the part Of
the pastor were prohibited. If, however, the
damssl was six feet high, Of thirty summers, with
asthma, and had not had o beau since she wa
sixteen, then this divine right would be urget
with the greatest energy.
There was nothing which world turn human
beings so much like devils as for pastor to show
his discrimination to stick BY his church and d.
his duty. In nine cases out Of ten Q pastor WA
driven away, not for failure but for success in hi
work. In some parts of the country 1t has grown
into proverb, "After revivals, removals."
| Charges were brought against the pastor one