The new North-west. [volume] (Deer Lodge, Mont.) 1869-1897, 1874-05-09
THINGS GENERALLY.
BT MAX ADELER.

! &
Is that an esculent ?'' inquired Prof
Hotchkiss the other day, of huckster VIII
displayed in the market a mammoth ant
very odd looking vegetable. The man
face assumed scornful smile, and after h,
had studied the Professors form contempt
uously for a moment, he answered. s Es
culent! thunder and lightning, no! that's
blue nose potato.''
+ have not commented upon the proceed
! ings in Congress during the financial dis
cussion, but | have givenmy quiet sympathy
to those members who have insisted upol
issuing more currency. The country needs
money. We all do. No man can imagine
need individually. They can't find it out
fast enough to satisfy me. h is follyte
talk about in1ating only to the extent Of
$400. .000, 600. i can take the amount myself
without the quiyer of a muscle.
The deadliest thing that has been done
lately by the Intelligent compositor - was
his attempt to give lucidity to lecture
delivered in Philadelphia by Prof. Smith.
The Professor, in his discourse, urged that
Filtration is sometimes assisted by the
use of albumen;'' but the compositor got
| the remark into shape in this ruinous fash
| ion: g Filtration is sometimes arrested by
the use of aldermen" A figure bearing a
singular close resemblance to Prof. Smith,
has been lowering around that newspaper
Office at night lately with solemn looking
shot gun; but the composition has gone west
in search of fresh victims.
Our new steam fire engine, the first we
ever had, arrived in New Castle the other
day, and of course the entire population of
the village turned out to witness the trial of
the machine. Mr.. Bob Parker secured the
post of honor as holder of the service pipe;
and he was mighty proud oft. The engine
was down at the wharf getting ready to
pump water from the river, and Parker
stood almost four hundred yards off, at the
end of the line of hose, waiting for the
stream to come, so that he could squirt it
over the court house steeple. There were
great deal of delay while the men were
fixing the engine, and Parker incautiously
held the muzzle of the pipe toward his
waisteoat while he discussed the question
Of third term for Grant with the Rev. DR..
Hopkins. At the most interesting moment
of the debate the engine suddenly began to
work, and the next instant two-inch stream
struck Parker in the stomach with terrific
force, and rolled him, over in the gutter.
He felt as if the gulf stream had been shot
through him from front to back. Then the
pipe gave q couple of eccentric Jerks,
smashed DR.. Hopkins hat into black silk
chaos and emptied a hogshead of water into
his open mouth. It concluded the exercises
by getting into such q position that it could
play million gallons minute up the left
trowsers leg of the PROSTATE Mr.. Parker.
Parker seemed to lose all interest in the
capacity Of that engine, He went, home
for his Sunday clothes, and he has since
intinated to his confidential friends that If
Grant should spend the whole of his third
term squirting a stream fifty thousand feet
high with that diabolieal fire extingllisher
he, Parker, would not go around the corner
to witness the spectacle.
Two or three years ago ! was attached to
the Morni'sg argus, the only paper publish
ed in our village, and during my engagement
we employed All assistant editor young
man named Drinker. When Drinker began
his duties the manager said to him:
See here, Drinker, among other things,
| want you, whenever -you see, i'm the ex-
changes or anywheres, good biographical
sketch of any prominent man, to clip it out
and pslt it away, SOS when he dies, you
we can rush it out as an obituary
article, as it were. y
Drinler went to work, and about two
months afterward some well-known man
died, and examined the obituary bureau
for the purpose of obtaining his history.
It was not there but discovered that the
assiduous Drinker had stored away in that
mortuary receptacle one biographical sketch
of John Wesley, collection. Of anecdotes
about General Putnam, and an essay. upon
9 The Life and services of John Hancocksss
I communed with Drinker upon the sub
ject: 4ais8 is 9.' '.s4'
Mr.. Drinker," said, after calling his
attention to the article about the father of |
'.you certainly must be aware
that John Wesley died long before you |
came into this Office
N-n-no!1 exclaimed Drinker with a
look of pained surprise upon his face.
sWh-wh-what! John Wesley dead. That
great and good man gone! Thunder! Why |
It's too bad. / had no idea of such 4 thing.
What aishock it must have been to his
'amily!, II ga a.
I. And as for General Putnam, Drinker,p
t is perfectly absurd for you to pretend
hat you thought he was alive, you know. /
Come now, that's too much, 6
s, 6 Is he dead too? Well, Welt The fact
! I've been living down in the country for
,wo or three years, and ] haven't kept the
mn Of things. And so old Putnam's dead! I
That noble old man. Strange, strange, how
We arc passing avay!''
& And Drinker, yon certainly can't be
'ucll an idiot as to have put away this article
tbout Hancock with the expectation that
10 would die again. You know he did die
,nee. Why. DrinkeI he died about ten
thousand years ago.
~ sssC Come Howi II exclaimed Driaker exnlt-
Hgly. I've got you there. All, ha! Died
en- thousand years ago, did he, smartya
lou know too mach. Ioli think every
,ody's a fool but YOURSELF Dead, is he 4
Now what i the nse Of your trying 10 stuff
hat down me, when know wei enough
hat the Democrats talked about running
Hancock for the presidency at the last