The Portland daily press., 1874-02-02

| The latest burglar-alarm - Newspapers
spread loosely upon the stairways and in
froIt of doorways and windows.
Remark of his honor to somebody who ap-
plauded In Griffin (Ga. court: ''Now dry
up! Will let you know that this isn't camp
meeting''
| In "estheld. Mass, last week, young man
who saved child from drowning was nra-
sented by the grateful father of the rescued
with five cent cigar.
The Cleveland papers are discussing ''the
best time to bring out new poems" II we
might be alio we'd our say we would remark
that the year 5000 will be a first rate time.
"Mynheer, do you know for what we call
our boy Hans?" "Do not, really" "Wells
tell you. Der reason dat we call our boy
Hans, dat ish his name.'
A Brooklyn critic has been horsewpped
for describing young lady's physical and in
terlectual attractions by the WORDS She
waswithout form, and vod.''
The great wall of China was erected to
prevent the invasiors of the Tartars, who for
ages were troublesome race to the Celestial
humanities.
Martin Van Buren was the only man who
held the Offices of President, Vice-President,
Minister to England, Governor of his own
State, and member of both Houses OF Cong
reSs.
write for all time, yesterday and this morn
ing included
..And he that stands upon a slippery place,
Makes use of no vile hold to stay him up.
Two colored gentlemen were practicing
subtraction on a convenient henroost. as
dis right, Sam?' anxiously inquired Julius.
And Sam replied. "Dat's great moral
question. Hand down anoder chicken"
A nice kind of aboy to ask out: johnny
What only had one slice of cake and an
orange! You must be muff! Why, Eve
had light slices and four oranges, and I've
got both my pockets full of nuts!
On rising from bis down y sidewalk recum-
bent, Jones was reminded Of the rhyme he
learned in the nursery:
"I was the ice on which William would kate,
n N VI INT ia heels ou1d vv.1fb ia
els the old any better?" asked boet-black
of newsboy a. the City Hall yesterday
"Betterr echoed Jim; 81 should say he was
you ought to have seen him singing stove
wood at mother this morning!'
Josh Billings says: "There il out phew
things on the face of the earth more ,rth-
less than poodle, and yet i am glad there IL
poodle, for if there was not there IL some
people who woulih't have emmy object in liv-
ing, and have nothing tew luv.'
The most artful dodger is married man
who lives in this city. He points with spride
to the shattered wall opposite his seat at the
breakfast-table, where the tea-c1ps, salt-cel-
'''''' "'~ s'~r'-a-i--. s-he-haauod- of him
struck.
An Irisbman's idea of finance is happily
illustrated by the following anecdote: 'IfI
put my money in the savings bank when can
get it out again2' asked Pat ''Ochr' said
Mike, 'sure an if you put it in to-day you
can draw it out tomorrow if yes give sixty
days notice."
Whales have been pretty nearly extermina-
ted. and so that noble ar imal, the buffalo,
promises soon to be. I'VE are all buffalo,"
says Greeley Tribune OF last month '.teams
come in loaded with meat, which sells readily
at three cents pound, some of it bringing
only two" Greeley is becoming a point for
the sale of buffalo robes, one tanner alone in
that town expecting to cure 1000 this season.
An Iowa school teacher has been d:scharg-
ed for the offence ofkissing female assistant.
Whereupon local paper inquiries "what in
ducement there is for any person to exile him
self to the country districts of Iowa to direct
the young idea in its musket practice if
he is to be denied the ordinary luxuries of
everyday life? Ifa Platon'c exercise in oscu-
laJion, occasionally, cannot be connived at,
where are the mitigating circumstances in the
dreary life of western schoolmaster ?' We
give it up.
Nothing is more beautiful and inviting than
perfect neatness. If We could only impress
upon mothers, and housewives in general, the
Importance of placing food before their house
hold in an attractive dress, as well as making
it wholesome, we should feel well repaid for
giving daily or weekly lectures upon this sub
ject 1t is not costly dishes or their number
that make table look inviting. but it con-
sists more in the arrangement, with these lit
tie indescribabie touches which woman of
taste gives without knowing why or wherefor.
1t is these little things that make home at
tractive, and stamp the character of men and
women.
There was fellow in a certain neighbor-
hood in Arkansas who was suspected Of
sheep-stealing. At last a planter, riding
-SusossH wvvus, pcrccivcu the suspected
individual emerge rom the woods, and after
looking round 10 see that no one was near.
walk up to flock Of sheep and knock over
the largest and latest. At this moment the
planter rode up, and confronting the thief,
exclaimed. ''now, sir, have got you. You
cannot get off, you are caught in the act"
s'Wbat act ?' Indignantly inuuired the thief,
''Why, sheep-stealng," was the prompt re-
ply. ''Sir, you had better mind how you
charge respectable American citizen with
such a crime as sheep-stealing," replied the
gentleman with the penchant for mutton.
''Now will you deny that saw you kill that
sheepa" asked the planter. "No, sir" was
the answer; 81 did kill it, and I'd do it again
under the same circumstances; Ill kill any
body's sheep that bites me as I'm going peace
ably along the road"