Richland beacon., 1874-06-20
Hard Shell Sermon. iroai Il Hare!
Shell ParSOn.
Ny hearers, | shall draw forth the
horns Of my argument from the fol
lowing hvmn:

My hearers, shall draw forth IT,,
horns of my argument from the fol
lowing hymn:
This wor j. aIl fI-ctin' show,
10 mans Illusion given:
Never a-prr where vou can't set,
Or 10 'hr air,h ypnil fall"
! | agree with the tavern Keeper VIII,
said, when the circus company slopcc
without pawn him for grub and grog
"lhis world is all ilcetin' show" anC
| also side with the hungry man wht
cried out 10 the Dustin Of his heart
when he saw Il cooked pigs heac
smokin' in the magic lantern, that il
is "for mans illusion given ~ Nv
friends you wrap your feclinS around
the rotten things Of this world, even
as monkeys do their tails around tho
unsOund limbs of old trees. When
you get high up, you find your honey
bee hOller turns out to be hornets
nest, and when those little nyin' belize
bubs commence pokin' their sharI
pinted snouts deep into your carcass
like an eel in fryin' pan, your tai
gifts untwisted, or the limb breaks,
that you have grabbed as tight as Il
leather sucker does a brickbat, and
you fall, cowhallop on the broken
glass bottles, which are always strew-
el under the pizen Upas tree of pleas
ure!
Oh, the vanity of desirin' the slip
perry paths of this airth You run
after 'em, you pant, you blow, the
parspiratiOn runs down you like soap
suds down a washing machine, your
body covered over with the prickly
heat of anxiety, and your feet with
the soft corns oc care and disappoint
ment. And what are all these suf
ferings for2 What makes your nost
bleed, and what makes your blood boi
like hot pitch at tar gatherin? Why
you have been running after the
great shoat of Mammon His tai
has been dipped in Saturn's lard kit
tie, and when you think you've go
him foul-when you have poured the
ashes Of vexation on your paine, ,wher
you've dipped your fingers in the sane
glue of experience and wisdom, 81
that they stick fast and no mistake
the cussed critter gives grunt lik'
the Dustin Of bladder, and his tai
slips through your paws like greaset
lightnin! Oh, my beloved hearers
how awful is your situation at tha
time! You See the hog that yol
have been running after all your borI
days way on ever so far ahead, ant
you're ever so ditto behind AL
your precautions have come to wha
hickory wood will in winter time
smokel Your trousers are split, you
shirts dirty, and your eyes are stream
, ing like two lie-hoppers on a rainy
day. Your head aches, and YOU fee
the sea-turtles and canvass backs root
in straight into your skull. Th'
0eas of dependency bite you through
the day, and bed bugs of conscience
as big as sheep, keep you from sleel
at night-You are worse than maj
with his hands tied, lying naked in
bayou, without a musketo bar
Out of remorse springs just abou
ten millions of musketoes, with conf
stockins on their legs, augers in thei
mouths, all borin straight through
and through your body, and fillin u
the holes with cow-itch and skunk
cologne. Your situation is too NJ
merous to mention. The mOlasse
hogsheads of generosity and good fee
: in is STAYED in, and the sweet strear
Of kindness and humanity is mixin
with the tar, dead logs and drunke
niggers lying about on the levce {
: vice and immortality. The Mississil
d pi of love is at low water, the stean
boat of prayer and the broad horn {
u faith, both laden with rich cargo fo
the country above, get cruelty sna:
ged on the logs Of despair; and bot
> sink deep into the yaller mud of sin
= The ca,iishcs of hell, which are Dor
= in the biln spring of intcmperanc
, float round your brains, and Il
y screech.owls of sorrow set blooming
), in the henroost of your hearts, YOU
" deserted and despised-you'rc I
" more use to the world than a pair
goggles to q stoncblind man, and you
no more use to yourselves than
problem of Euclid is to niger b
n, by!
~ And now, my brethren, III take
lis drink, (for my throat is as dry as
nd vet chemise which has been in b
ke sun for three days. ard then III tt
10 you how you can turn he mill strea
:. Of this world right slap ON the whe
oflirc, SO as TO grind the grain Of I