Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1874-02-26
PHUNNYGRAMS.

A Kansas couple paid their marriage
fee IN butter. They belonged to the creme
dc Ia creme
No matter how great the esteem in
which he is held by his toWnsmen, no
matter how many nor how exalted have
been the positions of honor and trust
which he has filled with credit, we cannot
but disrust that man who keeps his to-
bacco cut up into chews in his pocket
and juggles it into his mouth under pre-
tense of stroking his chin.-BrmsDicke
"A leading citizen of Louisville
stepped into popular gin-miil, the other
day, to relieve the asperities of life,
and just as he was raising the glass to
his lips a lOafer cried out: " Snakes l''
Not at all disconnected, the well bred gen.
tleman finished his glass, and, turning
calmly around, said: /" You can't skeer
me with snakes; I've had 'emr'
1t is said that there is dog in Iowa
which its owner, a farmer named Ire
maine, values at $4,000. We have dog
ourselves which we value at somewhere in
the Immediate neighborhood of that sum,
but to a warm personal friend, who want
ed him badly and seemed 10 think he
couldn't get along without him, it is not
wholly impossible that in some moment
of convivial joy, when the heart beats high
and warm with dance and song and ban
quet wine, we might be induced to sell
him for fifty cents.-C0urier-JournaE.
In Cooperstown they tell story of
an English joker who once visited FEM
more Cooper. Cooper was then the most
conspicuous man in the little town. One
day, while Mr.. Cooper was dining with
the Englishman, he poured out some ma
tive wine-wine from grapes raised in his
own garden. Taking up glass and
looking through it with pride, Cooper
remarked: "Now, Mr. Stebbins, l call
this good, honest wine" 4" Yes, Mr..
Cooper, agree with you, it is honest
wine poor, but honest Mr.. Cooper
went On telling his "Injun" stories.
An eminent citizen of Hartford, who
is an Alderman, was riding in horse car
in which were several passengers. A
woman, evidently from the North of En-
gland, with a market basket on her arm,
entered and took a seat opposite to him.
She then produced a little bag out of
which she took ten cent shinplaster. In
the most polite manner-as becomes Al
dermen and all good citizens-the city
father passed his right hand over to take
the bill and secure the good woman her
ticket and change To his great surprise
she shifted the shinplaster to her left hand,
and extending the brawny palm of her
right laid it on his open fist and closed on
him with a warm grip, and then began to
shake heartily, remarking as she did so ::
You have the best Of me, friend, but |
think know that facet" It was a very
ludicrous performance, and the Alderman
as he got off the car was understood to
say, If you print it, don't mention any
names"
"A lady left her little child playing
near a hot stove on viii Oh was kettle of
boiling water, the other morning, while
she ran across the street to a neighbOr's.
Presently she heard the agonizing
screams of that child, and on the wings
of terror she flew to its relief. Oh, horror!
there on the floor lay her darling babe,
the pure outgrOWth of a holy love, the
idol and light and life of her heart, strug-
Cling in the grasp of tremendous cock
roach A moment the mother stood trans
fixed, chilled to the marrow in her bones,
then, gathering all her strength for action,
she seized t1atiron, sprang-as springs
the liOness upon the murderer of her cubs
-sprang upon the monster, wrenched
away its grasp, hurled it upon its back,
and with a cry of triumph brought down
the iron and mashed the blood-thirsty bug.
Then clasping her babe to her bosom
and murmuring "Saved! saved!" she
swooned away. We Immediately had a
reliable artist upon the spot, and in few
weeks will be able to offer chromos of the
thrilling scene as premium to subscrib-
ers to this paper-MdssOari Bqu1asaOjcker.