Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1874-07-09
PHUNNYGRAMS.

PHUNN1GRAMS.
Doctors never allow ducks on theil
premises, they make such personal re-
marks.-Dan6ury Neacs
- Loss of a China packet shipr' ex.
claimed an old lady mo wonder, when
even iron ones aren't safe"
A Dutch Judge, on conviction of a
culprit for having four wives, decided
He hath punishment plenty 1 life NIT
one"
A Detroit father keeps his boy in
nights by vanishing a chair and sitting
him down. It's novel plan, but awful
tough on the trowsers
When an old citizen of Detroit goes
through a runaway unframed, the Free
Press felicitates him on his escape from
" frescoing the wheels of a passing ex-
press wagon with his brains"
There is nothing pleasanter, when in
the declining years of life, than to have
the boy who used to catch all the fish and
find all the berries come to you for the
loan of half-dollar. Time works its re-
venges.
"A Louisville gentleman who had his
nose bitten off in a row wrapped it up
in paper, and sent it home to his fam
lily. The rest of his body he threw
away, there being but little left.-BOstO1
Post
Why shouldn't Vermont girls be
sweet when their fathers make five mill
ion pounds of maple sugar a year,
Boston Post. Because to make so much
sugar, it takes all the sweetness of the
'lasses.-Ne1c HaUen Register.
"A few days ago lady of Bloomfield,
Iowa, went to the, Postotfice and asked for
some stamps. The clerk gave her some
green ones. She asked him if he didn't
have any pink; her stationery was
pink and she wanted stamps to match.
Gimme three cents worth of ginger
pop and a nickel's worth of ginger
bread" exclaimed a rural visitor from
Lost Creek, yesterday. dad died last
week, and since I've come into nv for
tune I'm kinder reckless "-Te7Te Haats
Express.
Over Nice-Not many years ago a
Hartford man was drowned, and friends
brought home the dead body to his
afflicted wife. AS they came to the
front door with the corpse the new-made
widow appeared and sadly remarked:
guess you had better take him around
to the back door, SO he won't drip on the
carpets!"
=" [ would marry you, Jacob" said a
lady to an importunate lover, "were it
not for three reasons" ooh, tell me, y
said he imploringly, "what they are, that
may remove them?" "The first is" said
she, q don't love you; the second is, l
don't want to love you; and the third is,
[ couldn't love you if wanted to-"
-" How do you do, Mr.. Jones?" said a
stranger, blandly smiling as he entered
the store of dealer. well, thank you,
stiffly rejoined Mr.. Jones. "You don't
seem to know me; am Brown-used to
live here" said the visitor. a beg ten
thousand pardons, Mr. Brown" said ones
relaxing and shaking hands cordially
"eXcuse me, | thought you were drum
mer" $50 | am, i" said Brown
A gentleman who was very Jealous
on the subject of horses, but not accord
ing to knowledge, bought mare at auc
ton and rode her home. "Well, Caesar,
said he to his sable coachman, "what do
you think of her? She cost me $780,
Dunno, massa." Eyes, but what do
you think?" "Well, massa, it makes me
think of what the preacher said yester,
day-something about his money is soon
parted disremember the first part"
The other day, on Michigan Cen,
trail train coming east, was an old lady
who had never travelled a great deal
She wasn't used to the ways of the book
agents, the peanut boys, and the prize
| package nuisances who pass through the
train every few minutes. When the pea
nut boy came along and dropped big
| African peanut into her lap she shucked
| it, opened her mouth and dropped the
kernel down, instead of regarding it with
| silent contempt or pitching it out of the
| window. The book agent came along
and dropped a book into her lap. She
said she was much obleeged." And she
carefully locked it up in her valise. The
| prize-package boy came along and
| dropped sample, and she wondered
how the road could afford to give away
so much. When he returned she had
| opened it and was wearing the breastpin
| and eating the gum-drops. The book
agent came back and wanted his book
and before she would give it up she
| called the conductor to see if 1t was right
| The card boy wanted pay and she ap
pealed to the passengers. When she un-
| derstOod that he was right she handed
over twenty-five cents with the remark
well, eff / haint ALFRED turned round
wish I'd stayed to hum!'