Buchanan County bulletin. [volume] (Independence, Iowa) 1869-1891, 1874-07-31
WHOLE NO. 473
Varieties.
4 man Is thinnest when he's shaving

''Im not much for shtunlp spalsin," de-
clarcd candidate at Dubuque, ''but for
honesty and capacity and integrity, bate
the divii-so do"
A woman's heart is the only true place
for a mans likeness An instant gives
the impression, and an age of sorrow and
change cannot cfIace it.
In London churches they are giving nes~
tice that Give minutes after tie bells
cease to ring all pews are free"
Mr.. and Mrs. Brice Hays, of Liberty
Township, Pa, are the parents of IA
year-old boy six feet high 'a.d weighing
400 pounds.
Patrick Norton, of Tamaqua, Pa, NED
of apoplcXy while singing ''Ss,amus
O'Bricn." That is, he died Of apoplexy
with an exciting cause"
Landlady (fercekt-"Yo1 must not or-
cupy that bed with your boots on !''-
Boardcr-''O never mind, they're only an
old pair. The bedbugs can't hurt en-
I'll risk it, anyhow"
Two ST Louis women were refused pla-
! ces as drivers On street cars ostcnsibly be-
| cause they couldn't manage mules. This
! was frivolous. They had both been mar
ried for years.
y good way to restore man apparent
ly drowned, is to first dry him thoroughly,
inside and out and then clap . speaking Z
trumpet to his Gear and inform him thu
his mother-inl laws dead.
To cure dyspepsia: Close all the outdf4.
doors of a four-story house, open the in
ner doors, then take a long switch and
chase cat up and down stairs till she
sweats. -
When occasion requires, one Of the Mil
waukee policemen can move with aston
ishing rapidity. Night before last he ran
Il mile in three minutes under the belief
that burglar was after him.
When a Portland woman chases her
boy with a broom, he runs down on Il
wharf and jumps into the water. When
he comes out his face is washed; his moth
er does not know him, and he is safe.
Pride takes an early start in San Fran
cisco. When a lad breaks loose from his
mothers apron strings and secures Il posi-
ton al So per week, the first thing he docs
after that is to hire Chinaman to run er-
rands for him. %
The boy who when asked to what trade
he would wish to be brought up, replied:
Il will be a trustee, because ever since
papa has been a trustee We have had pud-
dings for dinner" was a wise child in his
generation.
Potato bugs must be immortal Aman
has kept some corked up in bottle with
out air, food, or drink for year, and
they are as lively as ever. He proposes,
if he lives long enough, to see how long
they can stand it.
The press law of Japan prohibits news
papers from discussing the laws, attack
ing the Government, or publishing any
articles of an evil tendency The penal
ties vary from the chain gang to being
burned alive.
Marshal Soult once, showing the pic
lures he stole in Spain, stopped before One
and remarked: Il value that picture
very much it saved the lives of two es-
timable persons" An aid-de-camp whis-
pered into the listeners ear "IIe threat
ened to have them both shot Immediately
unless they gave it up"
No one (save hotel keeper can have
any conception of the profit made out ofa
bridal party at Niagara. Sarah is too full
Of love to eat, and "Federwick" partake.
sparingly while embarrassment predomiN
atcs. Every meal is merely looked atN
by the simpletons, while board at the rate
of $3.50 per day goes right along.
A Brooklyn young woman, who aband-
oned her old husband, says He was
too soft. couldn't be hugging and kiss
ing him all the while--it isn't my dispo-
sition. couldn't bear to be obliged to
sit ON his lap and cuddlc him every time
wanted Il cent"
The other day an adipose citizen stroll
ed up to u couple of acquaintanccs who
were talking ON corner, and one of them
saluted him with: why, you are grow
ing bigger every day. have heard of
man being fattcr than fool, but believe
you are fatter than two fools" "Well, I
guess l would outweigh both of you," re-
piled old rotund quietly, rs he walked
along.
| Poor Max Adler Hear what he has to
say about hotel clerk: Il can shake
hands with Governor, sit beside an Al
derman, and smoke with State Senator,
and never feel my littleness but when l
come to stand in the presence of a mod
ern hotel clerk, feel that awe and infer
iority which tourists feel as they stand in
! Yosemite Valley and look up at the noun
tain tops a thousand feet above"
An ardent lover pouring out passionate
devotion in verse, spoke of that night
when, walking with his sweetheart, he
''kissed her under the silent stars" In
print he was made to say that he 'kickcd
her under the cellar stairs"
4 clergyman, preaching Oh the minis
try of Angels" suddenly observed, Il
hear a whisper" The change of tone
startled one of the deacons. who sat below,
from a drowsy mood and, springing to
his feet, he cried, 1T is the boys in the
gallery"
This is the way it generally is: Mrs.
Jones will remark to her undutiful little
son: Why amt you like Willie BROWNE"
Mrs. Brown will remark to her hopeful
'Why amt you like Jimmy Jones?" The
boys have lots of fun laughing about it,
especially when they are stealing water
melons together.
The head of the family is about to eat
an apple Mohcr-''Say, father, give me
a piece" Daughtcr-"O, father. give me
a piece" Son-"O. father, want
piece" Nicce--"N ont you please give
me piece, teo?' Father (disgusted)-
Here, the rest of you take the apple and
give me piece
a little boy from Chicago, on to going
the seaside saw "A turtle in the back yard
of hotel, when his astonishment knew
no bounds. 'Oh, mother. mother!" said
the child, ''cohe right away quick! for
here's the queerest thing-a great black
frog, with hat on his back, creeping on
his knees p
A small boy approached the great show
man, Barnum, in Montpelier, the other
day, and asked him what he would give
for cherry -colored cat. "Ten dollars"
replied Barnum, 'if it is really cherry--col-
ored." Soon the boy returned to Bar
NUNS hotel and unloaded black cat at
Barnum's feet The Snowman saw the
point and paid the youngster $40, with
the remark, "Boy, you've stolen my
trade"
An Irishman having accidentally bro
ken pane of glass in awindow of house.
was making the best Of his way to get
out Of sight, but, unfortunately for Pat,
the proprietor stole march on him, and