The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1874-02-20

die, that my situation was one In which
the salary was based upon the lncum-
bent's faculty for plausible lying, and
was no sinecure place in this particular:
L had no occasion to complain OF
meager pay, the compensation being
ample to supply and sustain my moder-
ate wants.
From the outset of my engagement it
was my good fortune to enjoy the re-
spect and confidence of our editor-in-
chief. who was social rouser of the
first class. He was member In good
standing of every secret organization III
town and suppose that more mystic
rious and intricately-windlng stalrways
were known to him than to any other
living man. One morning he put in his
appearance unusually late, looking every
inch passenger just landed from the
raft of the Medusa, but, really, he had
only been out fraternizing with clan
of ancient origin, known as Dark
Nights.
IL was the occasion of one of their an
nuals, the extended midnight orgies ter
minating in a grand banquet, where
there were revelry and social enjoyment
of a high order, and where there were
Saddle Rock oysters, and woodcock, and
snipe, and stuffed olives, together with
a plentiful supply of the one hundred
and tenth article of war.
Our chief was one of this owlish clan.
Indeed, he was Most Worshipful High
Serene Darkness of the Ring, standing
as statue in charcoal among the
knightlysubaltern wretches beneath him.
| 4 IN ;,,, not inf tn
that which overcame Egypt, and was so
intense it could be felt. / speak the
words of truth and doubtful soberness
when / declare to you that | do not ex-
aggerate facts. For L know that he
bore an inkish halo about his dexter
eye, and carried rare fresco upon his
classic cheek, done by one Of the old
masters-one old master of draw poker.
was summoned to appear before him.
He sent for me to say that he had one
of his old attacks of vertigo and tooth
ache, and was otherwise somewhat in
disposed, and could not, therefore, write
his article for tomorrow, and he desired
that L should perform that duty for
him, to which 1 modestly assented, in
curing whether he had any suggestions
to offer as to the subject of my remarks.
He replied that he had no suggestions
to make, and, so saying, the ponderous
brain departed, taking with him his art
treasures and anguishgiving molars,
and / was alone in glory.
Well, to say that l was brimfull of
happiness would be putting it too mild
! ly. / was overioyed in that my long
cherished opportunity had come when
| -
local reform. | thought that if only
| those frescoes should not prematurely
| fade, and that toothache hold out long
enough to permit me to put on about
four hundred pounds of venom to the
square inch, should open wide the
throttle against several sleek officials of
the chronic office-seeking type, whose
stereotyped, empty political smiles |
should change to dismal frowns, and in
whose morocco cushioned chairs /
should place shards and carpet-tacks-
so to speak-and otherwise scourge
them as with red-hot irons. So / sat
down to this feast of vengeance, and
had no sooner dipped the main pen into
the principal ink when the door opened,
and there stood a colossus of mankind,
to me unknown, but who / recognized
as the newly acquired fighting weight
employed below stairs. 1 was ignorant
of the name of tie lubber, and wholly
at loss to conjecture the cause of his
intruding presence. Measuring his
stature, and taking in his general dimen-
sions with my eye, he seemed truly a
monster, and L presume he would have
Welded fewer barrels of oil than an
! 49, n,,oN.,1o1
theless, he was ponderous i'll obesity
and terrible in his proportions. The
gentleman was trifle animated in his
manner toward me, and L thought i
could detect in his actions a certain i'm
moderate bloodthirstiness.
He approached and demanded TO
know whether my name were Grins-
noodle. The same, said l, at your SER
vice but L have not had the honor
hitherto of meeting you. My name is
Smith-William Smith-and / am come
to inquire whether you wrote this-ttis,
Mr.. Grinsnoodle, THIS and in this
violent rage he thrust the yesterday S
paper under my chin, and with his
great index finger directed my eye to
the following:
"To the chapter of accidents we
have this morning fat contributor in
the person of Mr.. William Smith, who,
while in the act of crossing upon the
iron grating at the corner of Grand and
Pearl streets, the grating gave way and
he was precipitated into the sewer be-
meath. Mr. Smiths avoirdupois is
about two and half tons-more or less.
Luckily he sustained little bodily in
jury, but, when he was fshed out
by the hook-and- boys near by,
he was a frightful spectacle and a big
thing in mud. Mr.. Smith is walking
violation of the ordinance which forbids
overlooking in the streets, and as such
should in future be looked after by the
police.
instantly recognized one Of my
bonded items manufactured out of whole
cloth, and clearly saw the cause of the
wrath. A creature that had existed only
in my imagination now stood before me
tangible reality, and there was nc
lodging the situation. Yesterday, as
one of the vagabond locals of the estab-
lishment, / should readily have OK.
planned and apologized; but to-day, as
the main brain-never. l could not sc
degrade the chair and scissors, and,
Al o,ocoro I very, faorlaoolx Inform Cd