The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1874-08-20
Humors of the Sewing Machine.

There was Hubbard. He drove up to the
door, unloaded sewing machine, and said if
we wanted a machine that would do all kinds
of work, run easily, hem, tuck, rufHe, gather,
braid. and be thing of Joy forever and forty
days more, we shouldn't fail to buy the Light
ming Singer" l bought it, and when after
week, he wanted certificate, l. cheertully
wrote one:
s'This is to certify that have had q Light
ming Singer in my house for some time past,
and I wouldn't be without it for twice its cost.
It hadn't been in my house half day before
nv sen recovered from the whooping- cough,
and my wife found a ten dollar bill on the
sidewalk I think it is the best machine ever
made. I can't bear to 60 to bed and leave 1t.
He said he was ever so many times Obliged,
and he hadn't got out OF sight before Kllroy
drove up with the Thunder & Blazes" ma
chimes. He began to sew at the other machine;
said we had been terribly humbugged, and that
his machine was the only first class machine in
the market.
NV wife began to cry, and he soothcd her by
Offering to trade his machine-which he could
sell for old iron-and thirty dollars to boot.
We made the trade. He said the Thunder q
Bazes" would make any kind of a stitch, sew
any kind of fabric, and out run anything but
locomotive. He came round the next week
with certificate all written out, and signed
it:
'"This is to certify that I have gained ten
pounds of flesh per day since purchasing your
machine, and that my wife hadn't run it half
an hour when her uncle died and willcd her
two hundred thousand dollars Not one of the
children has had 4 cold since the day the
Thunder & Blazes' came through the gate. 1t
plays easily, the strings are not liable to snap,
the stops are easy to manage, and it is the only
machine in the world that can be operated on
by a red headed woman with a cork leg | can
stay out until eleven o'clock at night now and
INV wife hasn't word to say. Formerly she
used four roling-pins, costing two shilllngs
each per week"
Then McAanus came. I told him that we
had the best machine in the market, and he
asked to look at it. He hadn't fairly got his
eyes on the Thunder & Blazes" before he
commenced to laugh.
"Ho no hop he shouted as he dropped
on chair "it will kill me, did you ever? no !
no /! hop
sternly asked the cause of his hilarity and
he replied that kilroy had swindled us, taken
us in-cheated us stone blind. The "Thundcr
& Bazes" wasn't worth anything he sald-was
an old machine, invented by blind man and
patented by fool.
My wife began to weep.
"But" said McNIanus, "that was his ma
chine, the Chained Earthquake 1t WAS the
machine, and all other machines were base imi-
tations We might try it, and if we don't like
it he would cut his throat with brlck-saw.
We tried it, and when he came with his Ger
tifcatc signed it:
"rhis is to certify that your sewing machine
has saved me lG per cent in fuel, and 20 per
| cent. in hay and corn since we purchased
it. l licked an alderman, pulled Il school
masters nose and kicked a member Of the leg
islature the second day after VIC got the ma
chine. We hadn't owned it week when ]
found where | could get trusted for meat and
wood, and found a flour shed unlocked. 1t
will sew anything from Il leg of mutton to a
New Hampshire mountain. There hasn't been 4
cloudy day since the machine first started,
and the moon now rises two hours earlier and
lasts all night. No one should be without it. %
He took the certificate with u triumphant
smile, and
But must leave off here. Farnsworth has
lust called with the give Jewelcd Duplex
High Low" machinc.markct-and he is telling
my wife how we got swindled by McNlanus.