Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1874-02-11
VIII and Wisdom.
AN old salt-Epscm

You cannot extract malt liquor from
'fporter apples.
A BACHELOR friend compares a shirt
button to life, because it so often hangs
by thread. %"&@v
A WAC, on being asked for an an
prOprlate inscription to founding
asylum, proposed, "Thus far-but no
! farther"
A PIN has as much head as a good
many authors, and a great deal more
point.
A CINCINNATI editor says that an
other editor there is a liar-or rather,
that he is prone to impart an un-
healthy swelling to truth"
AN Irish editor, in speaking of the
! miseries Of Ireland, says: "Her cup
Of misery has been for ages overfowing,
and is not yet fulI.'
A WESTERN paper announces the COM
ing of a star actor who Will show &C our
benighted citizens how Shakespeare
ought to be slung."
EXCITED wife Ito her husband): EDO
you not admit that woman has a mis-
sion?" Cool husband: Eyes, my dear,
she has-sub- mission"
THE Portland Press says man wrote
to an editor for 81, giving as reason,
che was internally short to which he
received the neartless reply, "Do as I
do-stand upon chair"
'sPooR Dick" said Tom to a fellow
servant, 6 after he took to gambling
he never respected his betters." eyes,
he did, though" remarked Harry,
''when they paid their bets.''
IT is fashionable for Boston fathers
to give their daughters checks for $780,
any further because the banks can't
see it.
EVERYBODY knows how heat affects
the hand. So, when you go to church,
wear your very oldest gloves to the hot
evening services. and be careful to
keep your stiff new ones for your morn-
ing devotions-When the plate goes
round. -Eai sftau'r 2 ---s 1T 5s.s -.
CLERGYMAN I'm afraid you're tip
sy, Lachie. y -.-.-.
Lachie-" Ye medina be 'feerd-yer
quite reet.''
Clergyman-"I'm sorry for it..
Lachie-" So am I, fir I got fou over
soon. The whisky was gran" .-a
AT the last day st. Peter will call
Rubinstein and say, 'E Play that piece
by SchumaDn thou didst perform at
Florence" Then the shade of Rubin
stein will sit down to shadowy piano
forte, and, at the crash, the dead will
awake Italian Paper.
A CLERGYMAN lately addressed his fe-
male auditors as follows: EDO not
be proud that the blessed Lord paid
your sex the distin guished compliment
of appearing first to female after the
resurrection, for it was done that the
glad tidings might spread all the
sooner" -2a- sss3 "a. 3" t.s.l
A GOOD brother IN q Baptist church
in Miami county, while giving his ex-
perience not long ago, said: " Breth-
erin, I've been trying this nigh onto
forty years to serve the Lord and git
rich both at onct, and [ tell yer it's
mighty hard sleddin'." 49,
A PROMINENT McKeesport merchant
lost his coupon ticket for the Connells-
vile railroad nearly year ago. Last
week he found it in his Holy Bible.
He has thought it necessary to publish
card in the newspapers, stating that
" it wasn't his other Bible"
Rev. Mr.. PARRY, of the new church
in dorchester, took for his text on
Sunday, 81 am in a fix The first
gentleman in a fix, he said, was Adam,
who had no clothing. Other charac-
tiers in fix were Jacob before his
meeting with Esau the children of Is
rael at times, and David attacked by
Saul and Elisha.
A MISSIONARY among the freedmen
in Tennessee, after relating to some
little colored children the story of An
AMOS and Sapphia, asked them why
God does not strike everybody dead
thot tells lie, when one of the least in
the room quickly answered, because
there wouldn't be anybody left.
SENATOR Scorr was talking to Penn
sylvania Sunday school, Sunday Or
two ago, and asked the scholars why
Simon was kept in prison. One of the
teachers quietly prompted boy to say
that it was for hostage, and the youth,
not quite catching the words, plped
out: HE was detained for postage"
A VETERAN officer observes: IT never
place reliance on a man who is telling
what he would have done had he been
there. I have noticed that, somehow,
this kind of people never do get
there"
BAD TO WoRsE.-Blind man: "Ah,
Mr.. Evins, I 'aint heer'd you pass this
sum time-I fear'd you were laid up
with your money-tiz." Mr.. Ev1ns:
s.Worse nor that, John-worse nor
that! The wife went an faund me
job O. wark -
A LITTLE knot of ladies were discuss
ing the subject Of marriage. One of
the party, single young lady, said,
"Matches are made in heaven" every
likely" was the quick rejoinder of
married lady, Sand they are often
dipped III the other place."
SAID Professor in a college to
notorious laggard who was once, for
wonder prOmptly in his nlace al morn