Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1874-03-27
.HUMOR.

MARRYING FOR MoNEY.-Ane extremely
sharp and intelligent American gentleman
from the West once walked into the office
Of DR.. G. 7. Jackson, the chemist. CDR.
Jackson, 1 presume % said he. eyes.
sir.'' care you alone % eyes, sir."-
'May lock the door % And he did SO
then, having looked behind the sofa, and
satisfied himself that no one else was i'll
the room, he placed large bundle, done
up in yellow handkerchief, on the table,
and opened it. "There. doctor, Look at
that ~ "Well,'' said the doctor, II See
ito 'What do you call that, doctor p
II call it iron pyrites.' ''What - said
the man; ''isn't that stuff gold p NO."
said the doctor, Sits good for nothing
it's pyrites.'' And putting some over the
fire in shovel, it soon evaporated up the
chimney. "Well," said the gentlemanly
man, with woe begone look, ''there's a
widow up in our town has whole hill full
of that, and I've been and married her,
A New Orleans merchant, moved by the
pitiful tale of woman who said her hus-
band lay dead at home, that she hadn't the
means of burying him, charitably gave her
$14 to get the poor man under ground
Before giving the money, however, he III
to take a look at the dead man. Sure
enough, it was swollen, discolored corpse,
that should have been buried days ago, and
in his hurry to leave the noisome tenement,
he forgot his umbrella. So he reluctantly
returned to claim it. He hurried quickly
but softly up stairs, tiptoed to the door,
lifted the latch, and saw-the corpse sit
ting up the coffin counting his $14 over very
deliberately.
A lank, hungry looking Mill-Creeker
stepped into the Marshall Ind.) bank on
Thursday, and accosted Nc, with, ''Do
you keep drafts here, Mister ?" eyes, sir"
replied the polite and dulcet-toned Me-
e'What are they wurth % queried the
Mill-Creeker. Sowing to the size entirely,
sir" Well, [ guess I've got means enough
to git one about a foot square. Make her
stout us blazes, Ca.'. for it's the old We
mans back, and | want it to draw her
double.''
''Little Tommy didn't disobey mamma,
and go in swimming, did he 20 ''No,
mamma Jimmy Brown and the rest of
the boys went in but remembered wha
you said, ard didn't disobey you.'' "a i
Tommy never tell lies, does he % no,
mamma wouldn't tell u lie for all the
world - sThen how does Tommy happen
to have on Jimmy Browns shirt - That
conundrufn was too much for Tommy. He
had to give it up.
A wag went to the station of one of the
railroad one evening, and, finding the best
car full, said in low tone, ''Why, this Car
isn't going ~ OF course this caused a
general stampede, and the wag took the
best seat In the midst of the indignation
the wag was asked: "Why did you say
this car wasn't going % "Well, it wasn't
then,'' replied the wag, ''but it is now"
A Western paper says that the way to
kill off the poets who offer to write pieces
gratuitouly is to accept their efforts, hand
them to the worst compositor and let the
proof-readers correct them according to hi.
own ideas of prosody. This is Warranted |
to destroy the strongest poetical fever III |
three weeks.
The Cincinnati Enquirer offers to let |
five hundred dollars that no fashionable |
lady ever goes to bed without first looking |
in her glass, and rival is willing to risk |
the same sum that. no Cincinnati editor |
goes to bed without drinking out of his.
A pair at San Francisco chartered tug
and steamed outside the bar, with the re-
mantle intention Of having the wedding |
ceremony performed on the bounding bill |
low. 1t is comforting to know that they |
were very sick, and were obliged to return
unmarried.
In the City Council, Kansas City, a
horse railway bill, providing that 40
single person. should pay Of fare more
more than five cents, was amended, on |
motion Of Alderman Black, to include also
married people, and passed.
An affected young lady, ON being asked,
in large company, if she had read Shak-
speare. assumed look Of establishment, |
and IGpil6U lledu shakespeare T vi |
course have, read that when it first |
came out"
eff a man bequeath to You a hundred
pounds, would you pray for him ?'' said a
Sunday-school teacher to pupil. "No,"
said he; II would pray for another like
him."
THE WOMAN QUEsTIoN-"What did
she have on. E1change.
The Man Question-"How much has
she p
There are over ten million women in A
meriea, and yet Tom Hutton, of Geor-
gia, hung himself on account of a girl fif-
teen years old.
The Wyoming Journals fees for mar
riage notices are as high aithe eestacy and
liberality of the bridegroom may prompt.
Pittsburg is trying to find man who
does not belong to a lodge, grange, club,
post, temple, encampment or order.
Harvard says that ''enquire" is right,
e. ,sx,n