Litchfield enquirer., 1874-10-08

A rich but parsimonous old gentleman,
 on being taken to task for his uncharita-
 Dleness, said, ''True, don't give much,
 but If you only know how it hurts when I
 give anything, you wouldn't wonder"
 "Are the Joneses back?" inquired Mrs. Spitkins, who hasn't been out of town
 all summer. ''Yes'm," " replied the cook, l ''and Mrs. Brown and the children got
 home from Saratoga this morning" |" Then, Mary, you may open the front shutters" continued Mrs. s., 'tand say that we've returned, too."
 Cousin Maria (rich mans pet). ssWhy. you poor darling, how faded you look! 1 declare. you've lost all your color since you were married" Cousin Jane (poor mans darling.) s'Yes, dear, mine was color that wouldn't stand washing you see"
 A Western D. D. kept a convention of school teachers convulsed by his humor- ous sayings. A rural knight of the birch overhear1ng some one say that he was a minister, remarked in astonishment GA minister! Wa'al, do declar'! If was out shootin' ministers, he's the last man I'd snap at."
 When Middlefeld flood was as it's height, and the water was about three feet deep around the house in Chester, where Master Robert Cluett lives, that young gentleman, who is five years old, fell upon his knees and offered the follow prayer: ''Oh, Lord, don't like this; take 1t away. You said when you put your bow Ill the skies you would have no more floods. Now, how is this? Amen''
 A one legged soldier, Mormon, recent ly asked Brigham Young to supply by miracle. the missing limb; but the apos- tie, not to be caught, made this reply: 'I can, in an instant, produce a new leg in the place of the old one. But then you see, if do, it will cause great inconven- fence to you in heaven; for after your ex- altation to glory, the original leg would come back to the spiritual body; mine al- so, being of divine origin, becomes inn mortal, and, ill this case, observe how very awkward three leggad angel from Utah would appear among the inhabitants of the eternal world"
 We met with this witty retort in a sketch of short trip through Q portion of Ireland. The writer is conversing with his car driver:
 "You are Catholic, Jimmie?" 'Yes, yer honor"
 "And you pray to the Virgin Nary" 'I do yer honor"
 'Well, there's no doubt she was good woman. The Bible says so. But she may have been no better than your moth CT or mine"
 'That' true, yer honor; but then you will allow there's a mighty difference in their children
 Sheridan's wife was found one day by her solicitor walking up and down Ter drawing-room, apparently in a frantic such violent perturbation. She only re- piled that her husband twas villain On the man of business furthur interro- gating her as to what had so suddenly awakened her to a sense of that fact, she at length answered, with some hesitation, "Why. have discovered that all the lOve-letters he sent to me were the same as those which he sent his first wifer'
 A conductor on the Pennsylvania rail road relates that at an eastern station he received on board fine specimen of an l old-country gentleman. When he passed 1 through the cars, the old gentleman hand ed up his ticket, which was duly punched | and returned to him. After. passing the next call station, the conductor again l called for the old gentleman's ticket. He 1 looked up in surprise, and very honestly l informed the puncher of tickets that he | had thrown it out of the window, "Why | did you do that?" asked the conductor. | The old man replied: ''Why, thought if 1 you didn't want it, didn't" The face of the old man was so honest, and his knowl- edge of railroad travelling evidently so | limited, that the conductor accepted his word and carried him to his destination.