Port Royal commercial and Beaufort County Republican. [volume] (Port Royal, S.C.) 1873-1874, 1873-11-13
His First Paper Collar.

The Danbury NeWs man says: We
remember with unpleasant distinctness
the first paper collar we ever wore.
1t was at a surprise party. A half hour
after the event Of ourself and the other
surprisers we were located in the parlor
on mohair chair. And they were very
fresh and vigorous mohairs, too. 1t
was our intention to have got IN a cor.
ner, but we missed the aim, and got
located within eighteen inches OF the
stove. 1t was large stove, with COM
plicated mass of perpendicular sheet
iron pipes, like an organ, only 1t was
warmer than sn organ. The stove set
out from the wall, and our location gave
us prominence that would have been
very grateful had we been back OF
store looking for lemons, but being a
diffident person, and having a strong
desire to crawl under the carpet, and be
out of sight, the prominence put a
blight on our spirits that we found i'm.
possible to, shake OF. It vas quite cold
Out doors, but the room being full of
people, and some thoughtful person
having closed the door, the tempera-
ture commenced to density with extra
ordinary rapidity. All of the party sat
around the sides of the room, and in
such d way rs to take IN the stove and
ourself. A dreadful silence sat upon
all, disturbed only occasionally by
brief whisper of one friend to another,
which undoubtedly referred to our
proximity to the stove, and the weird
solemnity of our expression, which we
desperately but vainly stfove to remedy.
We essayed once or twice to look into
the faces of the company, but thought
better of it, and picking out place in
the wall where the paper had been torn
off, fell to studying it with all-absorb
ing interest. The perspiration stood
out on our forehead in great drops, and
having stood there until they got tired,
the drops silently rolled down our face.
We would have got out handkerchief
but we cherished the hope that some
one in the party was not looking at us,
and dreaded to make any movement for
fear of attracting his attention. Then
the bergamot and sweet oil with which
we had generously fed our locks, with
view to intoxicating the senses of the
females in attendance, commenced to
ooze forth, and start down the back of
our neck for fresh pastures.
It was Mt this juncture, the heat of
the stove having become almost unbear-
able, that the lady of the house inquir-
ed if the stove was not too warm for the
gentleman. 1t was our purpose to pro-
test that we never before were so COM
fortably situated, but the roof of our
mouth having dried and cracked open,
the words must have got lost in the
crevices. But we smiled-sHch smile,
perhaps, as n sick man would exchange
with an undertaken, who had called in
to inquire after his health. 1t was at
this point we became conscious OF our
paper collar. 1t was pressing against
the back of our neck with the ardor of
mustard draft, and one end had broke
from the button and was soaring ma
jestically heavenward. We could feel
it crumble and fall down on both sides,
and every time we put our hand up,
WHICH we DeBdu W ~ Qulte OlIcu oh
account of the cold thrill it gave us, we
found it spotted with the vitality Of
that collar. The other people COM
menced to whisper, and look up at the
ceiling, and put their handkerchiefs in
their mouths. We thought of killing
every one of them on the spot, and
hiding their bleeding remains in the
cellar; but we lacked the GOODNESS
necessary for such an undertaking, on
account of that internal stove, and so
gave it up, and kept on smiling to
show our calmness. Suddenly, when
in the midst of what was probably a
most maniacal leer, the collar parted at
the back, and one side dropped down
to floor, and the other swung around to
the front. A shrek of laughter burst
from the company, and we bolted
home. Seeing the advertisement of the
Danbury paper collar, manufactured by
Brainard, Davy e. Co., OF Boston, re-
minded us of our first paper collar.