The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1873-01-21
Il U N 0 R 0 U S


one evening in fly time having been pro-
vokingly lashed in the face, tied the tail
of the COW he was milking very securely to
his boot strap. Everything went on
smoothly for time, and Mr.. Jones con-
graduated himself on the stratagem. Pres
emily, however, the COW took a notion to
lash fly that was biting her. Mr.. Jones
chuckled when he felt the pull at his boot
strap; but bis chuckling was soon cut
short, for "Bossie," finding she could not
touch her tormentor, suddenly started, and
as Mr. Jones was not prepared for such a
demonstration he was upset and the con-
tents of the pail. distributed over his per-
in that time our hero had gained his feet,
an instant after he was seen with his hand
on the COW making the tour of the farm
yard with prodigious hops upon one foot.
At every hop he would calculate, $50,
Boss" but "Boss" didn't "so' worth q
cent. At last the boot Attachment gave
way, and Mr.. Jones returned to the house
a wiser if not sadder man.
EB- When three Irishmen dug Il ditch
|
for which they were to receive four dollars,
the trouble was how to divide four among
three, and have it dqudl. One of them re-
mained quiet and the other two at last de-
ferred to his judgment, as he had been to
school, and knew 'rithmetic to make the,
division He did it at once saying, 'It's
atsy enough Shure there's two for you
| f,H,o ND two fo,
said one of his co-laborers, "what a great
thing it is to have learningP' "And,"
said the other, as he pocketed his single
dollar, ''and to know 'rithmetic tool It's
the likes of us twod never divide them
four dollars aQuaIiy."
CY- A Boston physician lately icalled at
n house for the purpose of vaccinating a
young lady. After waiting until his patti
ence was almost exhausted for his patient
to appear, she presented her right arm,
when the following conversation ensued =
81 must have your other earm, miss ; we
don't inoculate the right arm," oh dear'
was the reply. " Couldn't you do it on
this arm? 1t has taken me twenty min
an hour to wash the other ~
Gay" "That's where the boys fit for col
= lege," said the professor to Mrs. Parting
. ton, pointing to a school house. "Did
they" said the old lady with animation.
"Then, if they fit for the college before
they went, they didn't fight afterward ?"
eyes" said he, smiling and favoring the
conceit, "but the fight was with the head,
not with the hands" "Butted did they 9'
said the old lady.
G5B- A lady on being told friend wished
to see her. desired her little daughter
about eight years old, to say that she was
not in upon this, the friend being anxious
to have an interview, asked the child when
d her mother would be likely to return. The
little thing very innocently said, calling up
stairs
|" Mamma, the lady wishes to know
e when you will be in ?"
T. gB Responses to prayers and sermons
may be good if they come in at the right
place. Not so, however, came in response
TO minister III an AlIlCdu CuuICL. Ile
had come down from the pulpit to invite a
I, stranger to preach for him, but was un-
II successful. "Brethren," said he, 81 in
Is vited Brother s. to preach, but he
declines" "ThanlS Godv' roared out q
man from the middle of the church.
- "" A gentleman seated in the stalls of 6
theatre who was afflicted with remarkably
long ears, overheard the jocular remarks O.
" a neighboring young man to another
"a a which were by far too loudly expressed
al The proprietor of the ears, turned rounc
Of thereat sharply and said, sit is true m!
ears are very large indeed for a man, bu
y yours are very small indeed for an ass"
"a e5y- A western coronor's jury returned {
from exposure: "What do you mean b.
J., thatr' asked the relative of the dead man
e, "there are two bullet holes in the skull.
i. "Just so" replied the coroner, "he diet
.; e from exposure to bullets"
NB "My son." said fond papa wh'
was looking over the lesson his boy had re
-, cited that day, Show did you manage
- when your teacher told you to spell met
empsychosis?" 20, father" said the boy
81 just stood spellbound."
Cg- Do you think it safe, my dear,
said a husband to his wife, "for me to tax
of Aonnal uhan n looks lika snrinr p'