Bristol news. [volume] (Bristol, Va. & Tenn.) 1867-189?, 1873-12-02

JAY. DECEMBtR Z, l0
An Irishman has defined nothing
to be "a footless stocking without
legs, A description by another
Emeralder is better. What Is noth-
ing?' he was asked, "Shut your eyes.
and you II see it, said Pat.
The journalists will have their fun,
as witness the following from a Gins
cinati paper: "A favorite amusement
at Laramie IS slashing off strangers
ears. One blow is enough for ali ex-
cept Louisville ears
The custodian of what had been
Garibaldi's straw stuffed bed in Ischia
was heard to mutter, on seeing lady
carrying away few straws as relic,
"They will Go it; I've stuffed it six
times already since the general left. ,
A young lady had coquetted until
the victim was completely exhausted.
He rose to go away. She whispered,
as she accompanied him to the door,
Il shall be at home next Sunday
evening" $50 shall l. ne replied.
An agreeable and versatile Iowa
''local' says: Cedar River is in a
languishing condition.. It is very low
and confined to its bed. The catfish
aground, and have to be helped of
the sand bars by the good>natured
boys
4 Maine woman ate four quarts of
oysters at one sitting, the other day
and won one hundred dollars by so
doing, which, after deducting her
burial expenses. eighty-fve dollars,
left her fifteen dollars to commenc
the next TOrld with.
Vicksburg offers a reward for the
recovery Of an old lady, aged one
hundred and eleven, who, it is sup
posed had been kidnapped by some
telouious journalist from a rival city,
desirUus to secure her obituary tor
his own local items.
An imaginative Irishman gave
utterance to this lamentation Il
returned to the halls of my fathers
by night, and found them in ruins
| cried aloud, My fathers ! where are
they?' And echo answered, Is that
you, Patrick McCarthy?'
The ConTegq.ionqlist advises its
readers to "si. at the feet of a horse
and learn humility just So says
the California EeoCS- Letter. "Sit down
at the feet Of mule, and if he don t
humiIiate you pull his tail and tickle
the inside of his legs with a stable
fork
Prisoner Ito learned magistrarel =
HAS any one right to commit a
nuisance? Learned magistrate
mo, sir, not even the mayor-no,
sir, not even the governor Priso-
ner.-"Then you can't commit me :
for was arrested as I nuisance, and
you've decided that | am one
A Philadelphia Quaker compli~
mcnted one of his sect, who had join
ed an Episcopal Church, on the new
organ used there. why. l thought
thee objected to church music? "Ah
so l do was the reply; ''but if thee
must woshship God by machinery,
want thee to have the best
William Arp saws: I'D tax a mar
nuthin on an incum of ; thousan dol
lars and under. I'd tax 10 per ct OF
all between 5 and 10 thousan twenty
per ct. on all between 10 and q
thousan, and so on, dOublin up 20 81
thousan. Above that, I'd take it all
every dollar. tell you that will gi
EN-.
| We have already spoken Of Kausa!
editor who stated that KaliOaCh wa'
the 'hOary old hOok-noseG devil o
the Lawrence Tribune He has since
received his reply, in which he names
his deiamer 1.-The sOrrel stallion of tht
Kaw.' Then comes "rentiss, Of tht
Junction Union, who says; CIV,
notice. that Kall0ch, in the Lawrence
Tribune throws shOvlful of dirt a
Lieut-Governor Slower. This is tht
spirit of man who is going down to
ward a man who is going up. It i
is a half-sufocated cry from th,
basement story of a swill- barrel.
Kallnach mildly rebukes him thus
''This little India rubber faced cur
iosity.that is running George Martin
Uni0ll-intO the ground-gIves a.
automatic squeal on our criticism o
Slower. This Sam Prentiss pitched
into a Southern Kansas politician
and the Waln1tt Vdlley Times threa
tened to send a man up 'to max
sorghum molasses of his Office Thi
the KanSus Chef esteemed suiiicien
provocation for perpetrating the fol
lowing;
| His PTentiss hand he tried on nan,
And then he made molases, o."
These last poetic liues no doubt hav
an awful meaning, if one could onl
understand it. Let Kansas keep o
awhile attending thus to the interest
of the State and she viii becom
famous.
f There are now about 200 hands q
work on the Valley railroad in thi