Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-09-11
PHUNNYGRAMS.

Il iOftUuc-LGllcT-
PrOgnOstic Kate
Boy presents a mutiated bill in a
Hartford bake-shOp. Little girl who is
acting chief clerk: "My father is very
perpendicular about taking torn bills"
"A young man of Cincinnati who had
heard that Cleveland girls always reply
~ on bet" when rendered an offer of
marriage, tried the experiment with one
OF them, and the only answer he got was
You get!"
"A young man in Peoria sought to
secure sweetheart by strategy; so he
took her out for "a boat ride and threat
cned to jump overheard into the lake if
she wouldn't marry him. 1t did not
work. She offered to bet him Il dollar
that he daren't dive in.
An idiot, through the columns of a
New DIRK paper, wants to know ''why
drowning men catch at straws." They
don't unless the straw floats in tumbler
Drowning men are prejudiced in favor OF
three-lnch plank, or, if that is not con,
venicnt, q saW-lOg.
is Miss Blinking at home?" asked
Mr. Sanders Of the Irish girl who an
swcred the ring at the door. yes,
b'lave she is, sir" us she engaged >"
AM is 1t engaged you say? Faith, an |
can't tell yc, sir; but she kissed Mr. Vim
cent last cvcnin as if she had not seen the
like Nv him, an it's engaged | b'lave they
are, sir"
A West street family had a little
social gathering, Monday evening. Dur
ing the evening the head Of the house
volunteered to crack some Walnuts, but
cracked his thumb instead, and the wal
nut from which the hammer glanced flew
against a ten-dOllar vase, and knocked in
It's abdomen. Then the head of the house
threw the hammer through fire screen,
kicked the pan of walnuts across the
floor and into the legs of the minister
and went into the kitchen to deliver an
address. The party broke up.-Dan6u7y
Netrs.
An eighty four ar-old Danburian
who lives in the suburbs was sitting on
his back stoop, last Friday, taking an at
ter dinner smoke, when he detected a
movement at the edge of the onion bed
and saw signs that led him to believe a
WoOdchuck was partaking of a hasty
lunch of onion tops. Calling in whis-
per for his gun, and taking his grand
child, who was playing on the stOop, be
tween his Knees, to keep her still, he drew
a bead on the spot, and poured handful
of slugS into it. Then he told his 0augh-
ter to go out there and bring in the animal
and on going there she found large
pie-plant leaf Uhe waving of which had
created the "signS'o about peck of very
sick looking onions, and an anglcwOrm in
the agonies of death.
"A colored man living on MacOmb
street, having long admired a colOred
III in no Int
being afraid to come out boldly and re-
veal his passions, went to a white man of
his acquaintance, the other dav, and asked
him to write the lady letter asking her
hand in marriage. The friend wrote,
telling the woman in a few brief lines that
the size of her feet was the talk of the
neigh borh0od, and asking her if she
couldn't pare them down little. The
name of the cOlored man was signed, and
he was to call on her Sunday night for an
answer Yesterday the writer OF the letter
met the negro limping along the street,
and asked him what the widow said. The
man showed him a blOodshot eye, a
scratched nose, lame leg, and a spot on
the scalp where handful of wool had
been violently jerked out, and he answered
in solemn tones: "Shc didn't say muffin,
an | didn't stay dar MORN q minute p
Detroit Free Press.
While Mr.. and Mrs Edwin Pawling
were riding through Wooster street, Fri
day afternoon, they were stopped by a
stranger with book under his arm, who
came up to the wagon and said he had
called al the house, but did not find them
at home, and took the liberty OF address
ing Them now. He explained that he was
canvassing for a neat little work entitled
Helps for the Home Circle" being a
collection OF the thoughts of the best
minds Of the age, a work that was adapted
to a larger circle of readers than any
extant, ami one which must necessarily
improve the tone Of domestic life, add to
the refinement and intelligence of society,
and fill the hearts Of all with a longing
for the purer things ot-just then Mr..
Pawling's horse stepped ahead, and drag
ged one wheel OF the wagon right over the
foot OF the speaker. With a howl of agony
the miserable man dropped to the ground
and then immediately sprang up again,
taking the injured member up in both
| hands, and still bowling dismally, hoped
| across to the sidewalk. Mr.. Pawling
waited reasonable length of time, but
| seeing that the man showed no intention
of resuming the topic, he drove on.-Dan,
! bury Neios.