The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1873-05-10
VARIETY.

\ Criminal Court-Sparking another man,
Il Philadelphia widow excused herself from
weeping ON the occasion of her husband Is funeral
declaring that crying always made her nose bleed
Brigham Young has urdvleu car load Or ss~L-
shipped by express from Boston to Salt Lake
City. He Is going to yaccinate his family.
SHREwD observation-disclosures are the shrewd-
est of observers, and readily distinguish betwixt
a sensible fellow and an assuming blOckhead.
Witty ADvERTIsER.-A halter in New York
advertises that - Watts on the Mind is Of great
importance, but what's on the head is of greater.
HARD SwEARING.-A judge at Waterloo, New
York, has been swearing witnesses on patent
Office report, supposing it to be Bible He said
he noticed that they swore powerful hard.
NICE GIRL.-A modern girl, living near Louis
vile, has n city beau. When he rides TO see her
on a warm afternoon, she calls the 50 old man I"
from the field and makes him keep the flies from
her fellows horse.
COLLARS AND GARTERs.-A Toledo girl broke
off an engagement because her lover wore cheap
paper collars, and yet at the time (the story
may not be true) she was wearing garters torn
from an old pillow slip
1t is safe to say that the most popular bumor-
list in the United States just at present is Bailey
the ridiculous genius Of the Danbury NeI0s. And
vet he does not lecture, and never has published
book. Bring him out
HIS REPLY-A felonious Oregonian was lately
caught IN the of purioining two grindstones.
When rebuked by the magistrate for his folly in
stealing such heavy articles he promptly replied
that he only wanted to try tn 'heft of 'em.
ALMOST WILLING What would you give, -
asked A conceited young man of a venerable gen.
tleman sitting opposite to him at the table, '' to
be as young and sprightly / ?" The old
gentleman reflected moment, and then solemnly
said-s' don't know but what would be almost
willing to be as foolish as you are"
some NAME.-A Detroit negress allowed gem
tleman Of that city to name her baby the other
day, in consideration of twO-dOar bill, and the
poor little thing was chrlstened William Henry
Washington COlfax Grant Scipio Brutus Halifax
Weed Joshua Jack Madison Buffalo Bill Saunders.
ful depravity comes from Philadelphia, where a
hardened wretch, aged three years, forged his
mothers name to a shingle with piece Of chalk,
and bought fve cents worth of rock candy with
the bogus order
A PittsfeId man who has a shrew for a wife
will not leave her because of the scandal, aI1 will
not accept Of divorce because he believes 1t to
be wrong. For n Of such delicacy of feeling
and honorable instincts there is only one way OF
relief, put her up at rattle.
A gentleman was surprised during the late
frosty weather, to see his little daughter bring
home from the Sunday School grave treatise on
Backsliding" - Ny child, =" said he, g this Is
too old for you; you can't make anything of it.
al know it, papa; L thought it would teach me TO
slide backward
An old eolored minister, in sermon on hell
pictured it as a region of ice and snow, where the
damned frOze throughout eternity. When pri
vateIy asked his purpose in representing Gehenna
IN this way, he said don't dare TO tell dem
people muffin else. Why, If / were TO say dat he'll
was warm, some o dem old rumatic niggas would
be wantin' To start down dar de fust frost 80
Danbury boy who reads the papers went tc
worthy that if he did not give him fifty cents tC
buy a two-bladed knife, he would forthwith hang
himself 1t was the place of the old man to say
Es Heaven forgive you, my son, for the awful
thought; here's the fifty cents" He didn't say it
however. He merely twined his fingers in the
Young man s tresses and bumped his head against
the doOr-jlmb until the WOuld-be suicide thought
it was Fourth of July night
Nor TRUE-s' Man wants but little here below
nor wants that little long,, Is libel, Josh Bill
jings asserts 50 Man wants everything he car
see or hear oV, and is willing to let go his
grab. Whenever yu find man who is thoroughly
satisfied with what be haz got, yu will find either
an ideot, or one who has tried hard to get some
more and couldn't do it. The older man grows
the moro wantfuI he becomes; as hiz hold on life
slackens, biz pinch on dollar grows grippy."