Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-02-27
PHUNNYGRAMS.

Best cOuntersign-" No trust"
Preferred creditors-Those who don't
dun.
If Adam is accountable for "conse-
Quential damages" he will have rough
time of it.
Sydney Smith once commenced a
charity sermon by saying: "Benevolence
is sentiment common to human nature
A never sees B in distress without asking
G to relieve him."
-" Humph - said an Englishman to a
Scotchman, as they were walking over
the fields, 'oats are all very we'll in their
way; but in England we feed them to our
horses, while here they are food for men,"
cay, ay!" said the Scotchman; "an' Just
see what fine horses there are in England,
and what fine men we have in Scotland y
"A kirk luminary recently asked his
pet scholar why they took Stephen out
side the walls of the city to stone him to
death. The little fellow was silent for
moment, as though absorbed with the
problem, when, Frightening up suddenly,
he replied, $50 they could get better
crack at him"
you are the dullest boy I ever saw"
exclaimed bald headed old uncle to his
nephew. "Well, uncle" replied the
youth, with a glance at the old gentle
mans bald-head, "you can't expect me to
understand things as quickly as you do,
because you don't have the trouble Of
getting 'em through your hair"
"A young lady teacher in a Lawrence,
Mass, Sunday School, caught boy
smiling, one Sunday Said she, "What
are you smiling at, johnny" Nothing,
num-" was the answer. II know BETTER"
said the teacher, severely; snow tell me
what it was" Johnny looked frightened
as he stutteringly said, "I-I-s-see yer
newspapers sticking out, mum" The
teacher sat down suddenly and arranged
things.
-"Mr. Jones'" said clergyman, on
pastoral visit, 81 don't see you and Mrs.
Jones at church on Sunday evenings"
"Well, no, " replied Mr.. Jones: my wife
has to stay at home, to take care of the
children, and, as it comes rather hard on
her, l stay to keep her company" why,
how is that? Don't you keep any
they don't allow US any privilegesI'
Before election, young lady agreed
to kiss the editor of New Jersey paper
once a month for four years if Grant
should be elected. She is keeping her
word manfully, but is growing thin, her
appetite is poor, and unless the winner of
the bet deodorizes his face and quits
chewing tobacco, he will have to an
nounce funeral ere long.
1t is told of certain well-known
railroad constructor that, being DESTROYS
to push certain work forward as fast as
possible, he wished the laborers to work
on Sunday. This they were not disposed
to do, and sent committee to wait on
Don f and convince him of the in
convenience of his demand; but Don
T wonld not be convinced, when the
impatient, said: Even the Lord rested
on Sunday" every true" was the cool
reply, "but that was after He had finish
ed His contract"
THE blunders of the English in regard
to American geography are notorious.
An antiquarian finds several curious illus
trations in Thackarays ''Virginians. :"
Thus the great novelist makes Madame
Esmond, of Castlewood, in "Westmore-
| land County," neighbor of Washington
at Mt. Vernon, on the Potomac, fifty
miles distant, and regular attendant on
public worship at Williamsburg, halfway
between the York and James rivers. full
one hundred and twenty-five miles from
Mt. Vernon; and SO Immensely affected"
are the colored hearers of a young
preacher at Williamsburg that there was
such negro chorus as might be heard
across the Potomac" the nearest bank of
which is fifty miles away. Thackeray
makes General Braddock ride out from
Williamsburg (he never was there in "his
own coach, ponderous, emblazoned
vehicle - with DR.. Franklin, ''the little
Postmaster of Philadelphia" (Franklin' s
average weight was 100 pounds), over a
muddy road in March, through half
wilderness country of more than one
hundred miles, to dine with Madame Es-
mond, in Westmoreland County, near
| Mt. Vernon.