davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1873-12-04
PHUNNYGRAMS.
The cheese is mitien than the pen.

The cheese is mitien than the pen.
An elderly Lady endeayoring to post
letter in hydrant is spectacle to make
an oyster weep
"A nice little boy said he liked "a
good rainy day, too rainy to go to school,
and just rainy enough to 60 fishing"
When your pocketbook gets empty,
ana everybody knows it, you can put al :,
your friends in it, and 1t won't "bulg q
outn worth a cent.
One day when Mrs Darlington he, .rJ
the minister say there would be nav in
the new church, she observed that "she
knew who the party was"
what was you brought up ongp
asked rough Western jGdge OF n lean
and lank culprit. Brought VI on a
charge OF vagrancy, | believe, y our hon.
or"
A Berks County farmer ser an order
lately for clock. lie said he should
prefer one made by Tempus Nugit, as all
the best clocks in the neigh Jorhood had
that name on the facet
"A consequential young fop asked an
aged country sexton II the ringing Of the
bell did not put him IN m md Of his latter
end NO, sir, replie' the grim old
graye.digger, but the ope puts me in
mind of yours"
"A young gentema n in Augusta Me-.
lately made an eyenin' Z call upon young
lady, ana got Ia'her shabbily treated 1t
was getting along Toward nine o'clock
when the young iad' il .irod the time of
evening. I'VE m .nutes to nine, F." was the
reply. How loms will il take You 10 90
homes" "Fiyer .inutes. | should iudof"
"Then," said TIE young lady. . If YOU
start now you'll get home Just at nine
o'clock
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1873-12-04
Mark Twain" Introduces Himself
to a London Audience.

THE lecturer, on making his appear
ance upon the platform, was warmly
greeted. He stated that it was proposed
that evening to deliver, and on the four
following evenings and on Saturday after
noon next, to repeat lecture upon the
Sandwich islands, the habits and customs
of the natives, the character of the coun-
try, and 50 forth. He should ask their
permission to introduce to them "Mr.
Mark Twain" gentleman whose varied
learning, historical accuracy, veneration
for the truth and devotion to science, were
only equaled by his personal comeliness,
his graceful grandeur of character and
native sweetness of disposition. 1t was
of himself that he gave that vague and
modest description, and finding that it
was the custom in this country to intro
duce lecturer, and not wishing, though
he disliked it, to break through that Gus
tom, he had chosen to make the introduc-
ton himself with the object of getting in
all the facts. In view of the liberality Of
England, who had sent to America all the
lecturers that she could spare, he had felt
it nothing but right and fair that the
United States, in however imperfect a
way, should reciprocate the compliment,
and he had, therefore, voluntarily thrown
himself into the breach. He was present
that evening, under those circumstances,
not in his own insignificant individ-
ual capacity, but as representa-
tive Of the gratitude Of America, and so
firmly was he impressed with the import
ance of his diplomatic mission that to
make amends for past neglect he should
insist on sending to Great Britain in
/ future fourteen Yankee lecturers for
every one who left these shores.-Lond1n
/ Times
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1873-12-04
TO CORRESPONDENTS.

All communications for this paper should be &C.
cHi-l aned ~ the name of the authors not necessa.
Thy Tor publication but an evidence of good faith
on the part of the writer. Write only on one side OF Inc
paper BE particularly careful in giving names and
oates TO have the letters and figures plain and distinct
Proper names are often difficult decpher because
OF The careless manner In which they are written.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1873-12-04

"A worthy Kentucky farmer being
asked if a daughter recently married was
still living with him, replied: mo, sir i;
when one of nay girls swarms, she must
hunt her own hiven
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1873-12-04

A fellow who had been hooked by
an unruly COW, limped in his gait. A
lady remarked that the man appeared to
be intoxicated Yes replied her beau,
"the poor fellow has taken couple OF
horns"
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1873-12-04
REPORT OF THE P0STMA SIEh'
GENERAL.

From the annual report of the + oSt,
sterGeneral, which is of unnsn ii
length, we make the following conden
satiOn.
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-05-07

cELEBRATED REMEDY.-Read the following
testimonial Of Scheetzs Celebrated Bitter Cordial:
PHILADELPHIA. Jan. 1B, 1873.
JoCoB SCHEETz, EsQ.,-Dear Sir: / deem il a
duty / owe 10 you and suffering mankind. to state
the truly wonderful effects of your Bitter Cordial
Whilst in Mexico in the year ls41, l was attacked
with Chronic Diarrhma, and after my return home,
the disease remained with me. In Pittsburgh was
attended by DIR. Canaan, McCracken. Hazlett, Corn
man. and other hTst-class practitioners in that city,
and by them d0sed with kinn, TaRnie Acid,
Morphia, Opium and even Nitric Acid, but without
any peFceptible relief In this city have been at
tended as hundreds can testify, By the very hest
physicians. both of the old and homeopathic
school, but as usual, their remedies Of but lit
tic or mOmentary effect.
short time age was induced to try your Bitter
Cordial / have taken four bottles and / now
truly say that / am apparently and, believe, al
most radically cured, and enjoy better health than
have done for 20 years Nv bowels are entirely reg
Mar and have hesitation III asserting that owe
il 10 the great and wonderful effects Of Seheetzs
Bitter Cordial a. manufactured by YOU. These
statements l can verify under cath and prove by
hundreds. Respectfully Yau-s,
], y. COOKE, 1I40 Washington Az.
Then the following excellent endorsement from
one Of the best medical practitioners in Philadel-
phia:
NORTH EASTERN MEDICAL DIsPEHsAEy,
2+0I Braddock ST. 18Th Ward
PHILADELPHIA, Jan 18Th, 1873. J
JACOB ScHEETz, EsQ,-Dear Sir: l do hereby
certify that as Physician in charge Of the North
Lhftt4t&l nave gwen Dit
ter Cordial fair, honest and impartial trial. and al
though II may not appear To be strictly according
the rules OF the profession do unhesltatngly assert
that it cures all that ii Processes to be remedy for
have given ii to IS different patients and in
instance has il failed 10 afford relief In one
case know Of four bottles having fully and per
manently cured Chronic Diarrh0a Of over 70 years
standing.
Cheerfully do I accord it the highest praise, and
shall deem II duty a. well privilege. to recon-
mend it to the suffering, believing il to be worthy Of
tho fullest confidence Respectfully Your,
1-30dtts1y T. A. GAMAGE, NJ D.
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-05-07

MY journal abounds with similar letters, all Of
which l guarantee to be genuine and written by
the persons whose name they bear.
Do not suffer yourself TO be imposed on. Don't
be drswn away after new and doubtful expert
merits. Don't risk your health by letting norices
experiment upon you with their trash
My Sarsaparilla has stood the test Of twenty five
years; ii is still the Sarsaparia of the day, and Of
the age, towering all Others in popularity and
its curative qualities.
Avoid all those who arc trying TO palm of on
you other extracts of sarsaparills so-called. Re
member it is DR.. John Bulls Sarsaparila of Louis
VILE KY, that is the old and reliable remedy for
impurities Of the blood and serofulous affections
Always bear that in mind
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-05-07
MEDICAL.
DR.. C.. BiGELOW,
confidential Physician.

No. 4h4 South State Street . CUTcACo
1t Is well known by all readers Of this paper that
Dr. G. Bigelow is the oldest esipbl;she nj n
Chicago who has made the treatren, ~ al eb-nn;c
and sexual diseases speciality. Science AVID ,xDpr
fence have made Dr.. Il. the most renowned sPF
CTALIST of the age, honored by the press esteened
Of the highest medical attachments by all the rnerj
cal institutes of the day, hrving devoted TWENTY
YEARS OF HIS LIFE in periecting remedies that
via cure positively the worst cases cf CHRONIC
AND PRIVATE DISEASES of the CENT? URI-
NARY ORGANS in both sexes, Seminal Weakness
producing Nervousness, Aversion to Society, I'm
paired vision, Loss of Memory and Manhood, per
tecty cnred- II Is evident that who confines
himseiIto the Study of certain diseases, treating
thousshds OF cases every year, must have sreafel
skill than ply sieian in general practice Read
his MEDICAL TREATISE for ladies and gentleman
sent ifee 10 any address in sealed envelope. Consul
tation free The finest rooms i'm the city with sep
araie pariors for ladies and gentlemen Call: you
see only the doctor. Correspondence Confidential
Address all letters to DIR. c. BIGEI,OW No. 46l
state St Office hours from 9 a NJ 10 5 p NJ Sun.
days P. NJ. to s.
n B.-Ladies. send for descriptive circular Of
Pessarie Rensdee, the best prevention Of conception
known. Sent to any address; enclose stamp.
The following testimonial as to the skill and sue
cess of DIR. C. Bigelow was published in this city
From the Chicago Tribune Oct %, 1881
DR.. BIGELow.- The rapid increase OF disease and
the increasing distrust manifested ON the part o
many Is almost entirely due to unskillful treatment
Inc patient. whether suffering from complaints oil
a private nature or those arising from any otheI
NaHFe1 VIII never find reason to regret having EN-
pIoyed a hrst-class physician To those who have
thus lost confidence in others we recommend 4
careful peFnsal of the following.
I'VE refer the suffering to the medical card Of nr
Bigelow, whose reputation as a re pnlar nractifone,
is nndoubted and his Qualifications as a Phvs,cian
indisputable and of good standing There ara ma-y
quacks in the world, and there are some We Toui;
name in Chicago. who have no pretensions To med
zeal science, and who live on the public In the sail
Of nostrums that as often ruin as cure When AM
real difficulty arises they have no medical skin tr
surinohnt the obstacles and the patient Is rnined
or dTlven into premature grave DE- Biselow /.
an educated Physician and cases OF difficulty ma,
be Entrusted 10 him While the world endur-s anf
bG + as II il askiifal physician Is public
i lla are some We can recommend az such, and
gay 70 Tue efIlng ana the suffering, be not be
1t is not only the safest pnt the cheapest IN the
41ad&W1y
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-05-07
Avoid Quacks and Imposters.

No Charge Tor Advice and Consultation,
DR.. j. b. Dpotf Graduate jefferson Aedsel
College, Philadelphia, author Of several valuable
works, can be consulted On all diseases OF the
Sexual or Urinary Organs, (Which he has made
an especial stady1 either in male or female no
matter from what cause originating or OF bow
long standing. practice Of 30 years enables
him to treat disease with success Cures guar
anteed. Charges reasonable. Those az ols-
lance can forward letter describing symptoms
and enclosing stamp to prepay postage.
Send for tie Guido TO Htdtsh. Price 10 Cents.
]. B. DYOTT, II. D, Physician and surgeon,
I04 Duane St New XoTk.
Automatically
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-05-07
louisville. Kr Oct & 1859

LOUISVILLE. XII, Oct. 6. 1863
DR.. JoHS Bull Dear Sir. Many thanks to YOU
for the medicine you have SO kindly given me l
have been great sufferer for years. and had the
advice of various physicians. Some pronounced
my spine, some my lungs. and some nv heart.
TO be the seat Of my disease. / have
been burnt. blistered and cupped until l had
become disheartened. Several very eminent ph ysi-
clans who examined my spine informed me that /
was threatened with paralysis or apopexy any
day, and that nothing but seton would relieve me
/ had perfect horror Of that, and was hesitating
about having inserted when you kindly sent
me your Sarsapariia which immediately begun to
take three times day had suffered terribly with
most AGATE pain in the right side of my head es-
pecially when / would read write for any length
Of time. and on raising to my feet would be per
fecty blind for several minutes, and would have to
hold 10 something to prevent falling.
am most happy to inform you that the pain in
my head is entirely relieved; suffer but seldom
with my spine and then not so acutely. NY appe-
tite il good; indeed for the first time in my life
enjoy my dinner more than any other meal during
the day.
You kindly sent me four bottles again last night
and began again this morning. and hope TO be
entirely relieved. Please accept nay heartfelt
thanks and best wishes.
Very truly your most greatful friend,
Mrs. B, {. RIVERS.
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-05-07
LOTTERY.
10000 G IF T S
S5OO,OOO

On TUESDAY, JULY Sth, 1873, the THIRD GRAND
GlFr CONCERT, under the management of Ex-Gov-
erhof Thos- E. Bramlette, and authorized by spec
lai act of the legislature for the benefit OF the pub
nc Library of Kentucky, positively and uneqniyo-
eally comes of In Public Library Hall at Louis
Vile, Ky, when 10000 Gifts all cash amounting To
$50oe1, will be distributed by lot among the tick
et-holders The money TO pay all these gifts in fun
Is already IN bank and set aside for that purpose
as the following certificate shows:
OFFICE OF FARMERS AND DR0yERs BANK.
LOUISVILLE, KY, April Z, 1873
This is to certify that there is in the Farmers
AND DRovERs' BANK. to the credit Of the Third
Grand Gift Concert for the benefit of the Public
Library of Ky, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND Dor
LARS which has been set auart by the Managers to
pay the gifts in full, and will be held by the Bank
and paid ont for this purpose, and this purpose
only,
(Signedl r. :, WEIGH. Cashier.
Only few tickets remain unsold, and they will
be furnished to the first applicants at the following
prices: Whole tickets, $40; halves. 81; quarters
g. 50. II wholes for 500; IS for $500; l13 for 81
600. and SIS for 5000. For tickets and full in
formation, apply to -
THOS. f BRAMLETTE,
LOUISVILLE, Ky.
OR F. T. DTBBLE e co,
15f La Lalle st, CHICAGO, III. 4|2od&Wlm
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-05-07
ANOTHER TESTIMONY.

BENTON Barracks No,
April 30. 1865.
DR.. John Ball-Dear Sir Knowing the efficacy
OF your sarsaparilla and the healing and benef-
clal qualities 1t possesses. send you the following
statement Of my case:
was wounded about two years ago. and taken
prisoner and confined for sixteen months Being
moved so often, my wounds have not healed yet
have not sat up moment since WIS wounded
am shot through the hips. My general health is
impaired. and need something to ASSET nature; /
have more filth in yonr Sarsaparlla than anything
else / wish that which is genuine. Please ex-
press me hall dozen bottles, and oblige
CAPT. c. p. JOHNSON,
st. Louis, No.
P S.-The following written April 30, 1866,
by Mrs. Jennie johnson, mother of Capt. johnson
DR.. John Bull-Dear Sir: My husband, Dr. c. S
johnson. was skilful surgeon and physician in
Central New York. where he died. leaving the
above G z. johnson to my care. At thirteen years
of age he had a chronic dfarrhoea and scrofua for
which gave your Sarsaparilla. 1t cured him. /
have for ten years recommended il to many in New
York, Ohio and Iowa Tor scrofua, fever sores. and
general debility. Perfect success has attended it.
The cures effected in some cases of scrofula and
fever sores were almost miraculous. | am very
anxious for nay son to again have recourse to your
Sarsaparilla. He is fearful of getting spurious
article hence his writing to You for it His wounds
were terrible, but believe he will recover.
Respectfully,
JENNIE JOHNSON
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-05-07
TH0MPSON'B
Rheumatic
HORSE IMMINENT,

TIE Great Erteraat Remedy fer Rhea-
matisna, spraias, Bruises, Etc.
seA- Equally Good for Mon and Beast.
This LINTMENT has earned for itself reputation
unequalied in the history of External Applications
~ Thousands who now suffer from Rheumatism,
Neuralgia &c, would find immediate relief from
all pain by using this CERTAIN REMEDY. 1t is
equally effeotual IN CUTS, BURNS SCALDs,
STIFFNESS OF THE NECK, SORE THROAT
sWELd4NGs, INFLAafMATIoNs, FROST BITES
Pains in the siae or Back Bites of Spiders or stngs
of Insects
one ruopng viii In all cases give immediate re-
lief, and d few applications complete a cure.
On account of its powerful penetrating properties
1t is beyond doubt the SUREsT REMEDY for the
most troublesome diseases to which Horses and
Cattle are liable. 1t cures SCRATCHES, old and
fresh Cuts or Sores, Chafes produced by the collar
or saddle injuries caused by Nails or spnts enter
ing the flesh or Hoofs, Bruises, sprains, Sweeney,
SPAWN, Thrush, and all diseases which destroy the
Hoofs or Bones of the Feet
~ FULL DIRECTIONS accompany each bottle
The above are prepared only by
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-05-07
Read This:

AScEEO + 4klSa
COMPLIMENTARY TESTIMONIAL TO
MESSRS. ]. 4 c. MAGUIRE, ST Louis Mo. Gen
temen:-Thc undersigned. having known you for
many years as reliable chemists and PhaTmaChutists
and observing the effective action Of your remedies
for whatever recommended. wish 10 bear voluntary
evidence 10 the efficacy Of you lrst, and in opn
ion, best preparation, ''AAGUtRE'S CUNDEkAN-
GO BITTEkS." II is all that You claim for it as
Alternative, purgatiye- depurator and dGreie, acting
specially upon the liver, blood, kidneys and bowels
JOSEPH BROWN, Mayor, who adds: II have
found this the most pleasant and effective medicine
have ever used
MILES SELLS, State Insurance Commissioner,
who adds: u endorse the Mayors opinion
THOS RICHESON s.H.LEFLINN,
Pres White Lead Oil ofLcain & Rand Powder
D. NJ. HOCSER. CdAS. D. CONFER.
Prop. St. Louis Globe. Ch Dem. Cen. Com.
W E. WAGNER P q. FL RGESON,
Clerk Probate Court. jerks Of Me. Dem.
BRITAIN a. HILL HENRY T. MUDD,
Attorney at Law. Late City 4 County ASS
S. BLOOD, FRANK VALE,
Late Prest b tn rs Savings elk Court Criminal
Assn Correct
NORMAN j. COLMAN. r. N. CHAMBERS,
Pub kural Home. Pres. But. & Drov. Bank.
N. J. HARTNETT, f. :. GREENWOOD,
Late City Collector. Tres. Y. NJ. {. A.
TII0S WALSH, Z A SHRYUGk,
Architect Of shryock & Co.
NJ T. ANDREWS. W.T.. GAY,
ofMoody Michael & Co oftiay. HaEncnEamp & Co
THERON BARAUM- JAMES ARCHER.
of Barnum's Hotel. Denver, Col.
And many others TOO numerous to mention.
J& c. MAGUIRE,
Sole PropFie1ors,
Price 75r Tpr bottle. ST Iouis Mo
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-05-07

Printed with ew-shaped seven character notes
Il preferable to anything Of the kind ever before
used. Any can learn TO sing in one-fonrth the.
time required by the old methods. Ii contains the
choicest selection Of music. from the best sources
particularly designed for choirs ingng schools and
private societies. Specimen pages, with terms
mailed free.
MILLER'S BIBLE AND PUBLISHING HOUSE,
i102- Il04 SAMSON Street, Philadelphia Pa
2-IqdwedSy7w
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-05-07
BULLS
SARSAPARILLA

Read the .folloaoiRg extract Of letter
from Mrs Rirers, aeife Of Rererend Dr.
Rfoers, one Of The most learned, eloquent,
and popular Ministers Of the Methodist
Episcopal Church, and seho as at present
stationed at Broadaeay Church, Louisville,
Kentucky.
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-05-07
She 1ailg Arg,!s,
Dependent Parents,

There are all sorts of tricks resorted to
to keep dependent parents from getting
pensions Here is sample case David
Mead, father OF Geo. w. Mead, has proved
by host OF witnesses that his son CON
tributed to his support, that he is now a
cripple and was dependent on said son. and
yet he waits. The pension clerks wrote to
the Postmaster at Moline, two years ago,
and the Postmaster said that David had
gathered together few bottles and sold
whiskey, thereupon clerk said David sold
whiskey and ought not to have pension.
Because he once unwisely sold whiskey to
keep from starving, he mast be compelled
to go at 1t again. So says the Pension Of
fee. Members Of Congress must have
sixty dollars a day for Congressional work
and poor dependent fathers must 60 to
selling whiskey to get bread and butter
Chicago Gem Of tie West.
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-05-07
A que and Fever
OR CHTLLS And FEVER.

The proprietor of this celebrated medicine Justly
claims for ii & superiority over all remedies
ever offered to the public for the safe certain, spec
dy and permanent cure OF Ague and Fever. or
ChiIls and Fever, whether Of short or long stand.
ing He refers 10 the entire Western and Sonth
ern country to bear him testimony TO the truth of
the assertion that IN no case whatever will it fail
TO cure If the directions strictly followed and
carried ont In great many cases q single dose
has been sufficient for cure, and whole families
have been cared by a single bottle, with perfect
restoration of the general health II is, however.
prudent and In every ease more certain of cure. if
its use is continued in smaller doses for week or
two after the disease has been checked, more es-
pecially in dificalt and long standing cases Usu-
ally this medicine viii not require any aid to keep
the bowels in good order. Should the patient.
however require eathartic medicine, after having
taken three or four doses of the tonic. single
dose of Bulls Vegetable Family Pills will he suf-
Client.
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-05-07

Of Chronic and Acute Rheumatism. Neuralgia.
LHmbago. Seiatica, Kidney and Nervous Diseases
after years Of suffering, by taking DIR. FILTERS
VEGETABLE RHEUMATIC SYRUP-ihe scientific dis
Covery Of j. P. Filter, NJ D.. q regular graduate
physician, with whom we are personally acuuaint-
ed who has for SO years treated these diseases ex
clusively with astonishing results. We believe il
our christian duty, after deliberation to conscien-
uously request sufferers to use it especially per
SONS in moderate circumstances who cannot afford
TO waste money and time on worthless mixtures
As elergymen seriously feel the deep responsi-
bity resting on rs in publicly endorsing tbis med
icine. But our knowledge and experience Of lis
remarkable merit fully justihes our action. Rev
c Il. Ewing Media, Penn. suffered sixteen wears.
became hopeless. Rev. Thomas Murphy b D.
Fraukf0rd. Philad'a. Rev. }. B. Davis. Nights
town, New Jersey. Rev. j. s. Buchanan. Clarence.
Iowa. Rev. G. G. Smith. Pittsford. New York
Rev. Joseph Beggs, Falls Church. Philadelphia.
Other testimonials from Senators, Governors
Judges, Congressman Physicians, iSc- forwarded
gratis with pamphlet explaining these diseases.
One thousand dollars will be presented 10 any med
icine for same diseases showing equal merit under
test, or that can produce 0nefourth many living
cures Any person sending by letter description q
affection VIII receive gratis legally signed guar
antee- naming the number Of bottles to cnre.
agreeing to refund money upon sworn Testimony
of its failure TO Afflicted invited 10 write to
DR.. Filter, Philadelphia His valuable advice costs
nothing
- Medicines for sale by Smith & Bouncy. and
c. A. Benser, Rock Island 2-I3dw&sSwiv