The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1873-04-12

Q Henry SnlNtT, bl NODlC, lliN' '''' nv '
, n'lT2c 81 his gun Aged 81.
n 1t might have been shortened thus;
n Boy muzzlcd gun,
lie And mi2zlcd. Age q.
Dubuque miners are beginning to use nIlr'
glvcerinc for blasting purposes and reporter
- are on the spot very frequently now. There Is
prospect of local items ahead.
As an Illustration of the wide distinction be
y, tween poetic poIitcness and plain business y"
give the following;
During a recent heavy ran>torln, a bcaulh'
= Young lady was waiting in doorway Tor a car
II Up came Il polite youth, and, with 'nc1ttI"r.u
ian bow that would have delighted Edlhuh'
Yates, said" May | have the pleasure OF pro-
5 tcctiuls Won with my umbrella" Ana sue an
. swcred in Il charming voice, Elevate your rag
:, He looked as though the remark depressed mn
considerably.
A western reporter died Of brain fever Tho
other day; he tried to take notes OF discourse
that his mothcr-in.law was making for the bene
fit Of the family. and the swiftness with which he
was Obliged to work ogerstraincd his mental Or
ganization.
4 bright little boy hearing his father say that
Il man ought to stick to his business" cmptied
a bottle Of muClagc i'm the old gentleman char.
The old man says ne mas not Dttn SUCK 50 bduIr
since 1857, and rewarded his offspring by taking
him on a whaling trip to the back ccllar--E[,
What sort Of oil did he get on that whaling cr-
petition? Squirm oil, over hi, back. This pun
may be thin, but it is hercJ
| Postal card, will be convenience 10 people
who wish to tell You all they know. smith say.
to his landludy: ANY letters for me today
! And She answered: "Only two postal cards. bul
/ 81. ,i,,r ,,,rtia,t1.r at fbptu y
NOW, who will dare to say that postal cards are
not handy.
A five year old son Of c. 4. Elliott, Of Washing
tom county Iowa, was left to amusc himself with
a box of matches in his fathers barn, which con
tanned ten tons Of hay, one thousand bushels OF
corn, thrcc horses and two mules. Insurance
mot stated
4 sorrowing friend, writing of the death Of an
eternal rest" His dismay can only be family
imagined when, upon proof Of his obituary
notice being sent to him, he read: :" She has gone
to her eternal roast
Barnum's new gorilla has signed the pledge
for the ensuing travelling season, ana VIII BRAN
with club the first man that asks him to drink
during show houro.-Er.
A gorilla can no more drink whisky and do
successful business than any other man"
The La Sale Press speaks Of Il company of in
fantry, scvcnty-ivc members, having been organ
lied in that city. The question is, are those %
infants to be "brung up" ON bottle?
Here is one more obituary to be added to the
catalogue Of sudden short-stops Of breath;
An Akron (O) cat, relying upon his nine lives
to save him. allowed his tail To swell, his spine TO
curve and wadcd into a buzZ-saw in rapid motion.
Iln out
SAWYER who ALWAYS stood with his mouth wide
open while at work, remarked to his assistant
that he could taste fiddle strings and sausage
meat in the air that morning.
parent writes Of his great affection to the
New York Commercial, and says that he is annoy
ed and panied by his son staying out nights and
asks if a remedy can be presentation the rapidly
growing evil There are several remedies. The
BOYS spine can be broken with an AK, or he can
be nailed to the floor with rcd hot railroad
spike, driven through his abdomen, but the most
cficctual way is to compel him to wear patched
\ Troy On " dentist, while plying his avoca-
ton around the mouth Of Il lady customer recent.
", was seized with emotional insanity, and kissed
her. She was not far under the influence oi
ether, but that the shock revived her, and the
tooth carpenter loaned her husband fifty dollars
ON long time the next day, beside making moi
charge for his two and half hours work.
4 Wisconsin editor offers bottle Of stomach
bttcrs as premium for every new subscriber
The African giratres are said to he DYING oil
with a disease of the throat. Just imagine how
you would feel with six linear feet Of sore throat
and how you would want to die.
Zach Chandler has put up standing offer of
s5OoW Tor every grandson born To him What
AN old wretch, to bride his sOn-in-law -Dfr0n
Telegraph.
II the grandchildren had anything to say about
ii, they wouldn't have lack for grandfather for
twice that sum.-Ndtiondi GudJT
South American newspaper man, confound
him, has spoiled all future items about very old
people in the United States by telling about
Brazilian nearly 200 years old. Thus does foreign
competition ruin home industry, and still the
free traders raise their barharic yawp.-St Louis
Journal.
The Dixon HnuH says that widowcr of only
one week standing has popped the question Of
marriage 10 six widows at Subcttc.
That fellow is sharp. He knows that not more
than one widow in six can he depended upon,
for marrying the fellow who asks them. When
they want particular fellow, it is different
They do the asking themselves and never take
mo for an answer
1t is horrifymg To bc informed that Mrs Alpha.
bet SouthwOrth has written forty-two novels
and that her health is still good-Er
1t Is said the average hen starts out in life with
six hundred eggs, which she willperpctrate dur
ing her six years of active or business life.
Forty-two from 900 stlll leaves a respectable re
maindcr.
\ lady suggests thai the hest hustle for some
girls would hc to get up early and take on
broom and busting pan.-Er
That may be all very well for young girls, who |
want to show OIL" but never indulge your wife
in such recrcatiye performance Some women
are As expert with broom aS u Donnybrook man |
with Z shilalah, and manage it in the same arts
tic and interesting manner. We'd Is lief en-
counter an cnragcd buzz saw rs an angry woman
with a broom.
\ dentist not thousand miles from Bristol
Conn, WAS recently extracting a tooth from a !
young man under the influence Of laughing gas !