Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1873-09-05
HUMOR.

The little girls are keeping house now
and inviting other little girls to take tea
with them. The tea consists mostly OF warm
water, served in miniature wooden dishes,
and a slice Of green apple with worm IN
it. The little girls drink the tea, chew the
apple with proper solemnity. Then they
say, IT shsn't!'' ''You're just as mean as
you can be!' II shall 60 right home,
now!" and kick each other on the legs and
disperse.
Thrifty dicker in Fort Wayne dry goods
store: Lady, "Hew much for this print Z"
Gentlemanly and obliging clerk, Mine
cents mum" Lady, nineteen cents ! Eli
give you eighteen" Clerk, mime cents,
mum; you misunderstood me. Lady,
"Oh nine cents I'll give you eight.
The Minneapolis Tribune becomes ser
ious "Oakes Ames' will reveals So, 745,-
254. And yethe died Of disappointment
and chagrin. Happier is honesty in hick-
DRY shirt and an oilcloth cap than dissimula-
ton in plug hat and a shirt that buttons
behind"
s.Put down your umbrellas You'll
scare this engine off the track screamed
the engineer Of the Western North Carolina
Road to crowd Of country people, who had
gathered to see the first train OF cars come
in. They were all lowered at once.
A country boy having come to Louisville
for an education, being asked, What ia a
strait ?" Mortified his teacher by answering.
ssIt beats two pair" He is Cd the editorial
staff of the "Courier Journal
Look not upon the cucumber when it is
wilted, nor green apples nor other unwhole-
some truck, for though pleasant to the eye
and agreeable to the taste, at the last 1t bit
eth like the stomachache and stlneth like
the cholera morbus.
The editor of the Baltimore Gazette, af-
tor years of experience, says IA woman
is like tar only melt her. and SHE will take
any form you please"
A rustic moralist Rector going his
rounds can uncommonly fine pig Mr..
Dibbles, declare Contemplating villa
-"Ah, yes, sir, if we was only, al of us.
as fit to die as him, sir p
Cerebro- spinal. is tough word
for telegraphers to get hold Of on the wires
A Sioux City lightning jerker wrote it ou'
"Carabo Spencers Menagerie."
Theodore Hook once said to man az
whose table publisher got very tipsy, you
appear to have emptied your wine cellar in
to your bookseller"
s.The entire disposition of the body gave
evidence of the highest exercise of the un :
dertakers art, says Philadelphia paper,
growing enthusiastic over funeral.
A merchant who has class in Sunday
School asked, "What is solitude p and was
visibly disturbed when miserable boy an
swered "The store that don't adverts
In some parts of Texas, when MAI puis
his hand into his pocket for chew Of tolae
co, every man jumps, fearing be is goios
to shoot.
The astronomers tell US that the planet
Mars is fading. Many mas who visit wa
tsring places, with manageable daughter,
are in the same condition
A kind expression of countenance can
make the most homely pleasing J; an honest
heart and friendly acts make the dullest low
able.
A San Francisco miss used up her para
sol on young man who winked at her
He will probably keep shady hereafter.
"What," said teacher to a pupil.
s.makes you feel uncomfortable after you
have done wrong ?? my papa's big leath-
er strap" feelingly replied the boy.
A morning paper speaks Of "thieving on
the outskirts" which may be interpreted
'spicking ladies' pockets
John Brougham says Pocahontas invent
ed the game Of poker 1t is remembered
distinctly that Smith called her on bluff.
A Boston woman wanted to elope, but
when her husband gave her the money to 60
she changed her mind-it took all the
romance away.
Boy (to lady visitor } Teacher there's
a gal over there winkin' at..me.'
Teacher: "Well, then, don't look at her.
She'll wink at somebody else"
An old man at La Crosse, who had been !
blind for seven years. lately had his sight
restored by fit.
The same mule that killed man at Lex.
ington Ind, was permitted to haul the widow
to the funeral.
A Young mans friends object to his being
loose. bu! somehow they have an equal OBJ
lection to his being tight.
Why is a solar eclipse like woman
whipping her boy? Because it's hiding Of
the sun.
What requires more philosophy than ta-
king things as they come ? Parting with
them as they 60.
The latest announcement for new music
is, "Hush, Sisters Dying, with Piano Ac-
compartment.
There is not only phun, but there IL vir-
tue in a hearty laff /; animales kant laff and
devils wont.
Can gentleman who sees lady home
under an umbrella be fifty designated as
rain beau
A boy who undertook to ride horseradish
is now practicing on saddle Of mutton.
To Drunkards- pawn-brokers is not
the proper place to take the pledge.
Consultations for the ladies-The world
abounds with interpretations.
Twins, like misfortunes, never come
singly.