The Fairfield herald. [volume] (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1849-1876, 1873-07-02
The Fairfield Herald.
PUBLISIED
EYRE \ lV'ED.NE,SD.IY.
80
The Contest Of Danbury Nlan with 4
SlOytpipe.
PUBLISHED

The Contest Of Il Danbury Nlan with 4
Sluyepipe.
Putting up stovo is not 80 diffic lll
in itself. 1t is the pipe that raises
four.fifths of the mischief and all tho
dust. You may take down 4 stove
with all tho caro in the world, and
have your wife put away the pipe in
secure place, and yet that pipe
wont como together again M it wa.
before. Yuu tiud this out when YOU
nro standing OIL chair with your
arms full nf ripo snd your mouth full!
of SCOT. Your wife is standing on the
floor IN i position that enables her tc
SEQ you, tho opipc and tho chair, and
horo sho gives utterancc to thus0 re-
marks t! at arc calculated to hasten
n man into the extremes Of insanity.
Her dress is pinned over her waist,
aud hcr hands rest on her hips. Sine
has got on ono of your hats on her head
and your linen coat on her back, aud
pair Of your rubbers on her feet.
here Is about five cents worth CT not
black on her nose, and lot of n5ur
Oh her chin, and altogether she is
"pcc'ac'c that would inspire Il dead
man with distrust. And while YOU
aro up there trying to circumycnt tho
awful ctntrarincss cf tho pipe, md
telling that you know some fool has
Eccu mixing it, shc stands safely on
tho floor, and bomhards you with such
domestic notices as.
''Whats iho uso Ct swcaring 20 ?"
"You know no ono has touched that
pipe" "You amt got any moro pa
ticncc than child. DO DO careful
of that chair" And then shc Eoos
of and rc.arpo&rs with an armful Of
moro pipe, and before you AFRO aware
nfit sho has got that ptpo so horri-
by mixed up that it docs sccm no
two pieces arc alike. You Join tho
ends, ana work them to and fro, and
tuko them apart again aud look at
them. Then you spread ono cut and
1am tho othor together, and mount
them once moro. Eut it il no 10.
You begin to think the pieces aro in
rrlrcd with life, and acho to kick
them through tho window. But sho
doesn't lose her patience. She goes
around with that awful cxasporation
rigging on, with ~ length of pi|o under
each arm, and long handle broom
IN her hand, and says sho don't SEQ
now III is some people never havo any
trouble IN putting up q stove. Then
You miss tho hammer. You don't ueo
1t anywhere. You stare into tho
pipe and along tho man.cl, and down
IN the stove, and off to tho floor.
our vito watches you intontly, and
lshn"lly thous hfrl enough to inquire
what you arc looking nrtor, and on
learning pulls the article front her
pocket. Then you feel ns if you
could GO p0t doors and swear holo
twelve icot square through block of
brick buildings, but she merely
obscrvos
""hy on earth don't ycn speak
when you want anything, and not
stare around like u dummy" When
that part of the Pipe which gees
through the wall is up, she kocrs it
up with her broom, while you arc
making tho connection, aud staroa at
IT with an intensity that is entirely
uncallcd for. All the while your po-
Hltion is hrcomine morc and more in.
tcrcsting. The pipe don't 80 together
OF coutSr. The SCOT shakes down IN
your eyes aIa moath, tho sweat rolls
down your face and ticklos your chin
rH it drops of, aud IT seems AZ if year
arms arc slowly but surely drawing; out
oi their sockets. Hero your wife comes
10 the ienrn} tr inquiriug if you arc
going to bo nit day doing nothing,
1t yuu t.iink her arms are mado of
east iron, and then tho broom slips of
tho pipe, and in her cndcayor to re-.
cover her hold she .jsbs you under the
chin with tho handle, nnd the pipe
comes down on your head with its
Toad OF fresh SCOT, and thon tho chair
t'ts forward enough to discharge
your feet, aul you como down ~ tho
wrong end Of that chair with n force
that would bankrupt pilc-drivcr.
You don't touch that stoYc again
Aou leave Your wife examining that
chair and bcnoaning its injuries, and
60 into tho Eitohon and wash your
skinned and bleeding hands with yell
low soap. Then you 60 down street
after u man to do tho business, and
Your wife goes over to tho ncishborS
with her chair, and tells them about
ITS injuries, and drains tho noighl or
hood dry ot its sympathy long before
sou got homo.- D0mj,Uy Ncrs.
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