Grant County herald. [volume] (Lancaster, Wis.) 1850-1968, 1873-05-20
Man and Wife VS.. Stove Plpe-Pipe
Wins.

IuJIlng up stove IS not so dltfio
cult in itself. 1t is the pipe that
raises four-ffths of the mischief and
all the dust. You may take down a
stove with all the care in the world,
and have your wife put away the
pipe in secure place, and yet that
pipe wont come together again as 1T
was before. You find this out when
you are standing on a chair with
your arms full ofpipe and your mouth
full of SCOT. Your wife is standing
on the floor, il position which en-
ablos her to see you, the pipe and the
chair, and here she gives utterance
to those remarks that are calculated
to drive man into the extremes of
insanity Her dress is pinned over
her waist, and her hands rest on her
hips. She has got one of your hats
on her head, and your linen coat on
her back, and your rubbers on her
feet. There is about five cents worth
of pot black on her nose and lot of
iour on her chin, and altogether she
is a spectacle that would inspire
dead man with distrust. And while
you are up there trying to circum-
vent the awful contrairiness of the
pipe, and telling that you know some
fool has been mixing it, she stands
sately on the floor, and bonn bards you
with such domestic notices as -
"What's the use of swearing so ?"
"You know no one has touched that
pipe" "You amt got any more pa
tience than q child" "Do be careful
of that chair" And then she goes
of, and re-appears with an armful of
moro pipe, and before you are aware
of it she has got that pipe so horri-
bly, mixed up that it does seem no
two pieces are alike.
You join the ends, and work them
to and fro, and to and fro again, and
then you take them apart and look
at them. Then you spread one out
and jam the other together, and
mount them once more. But it is
no 60 You begin to think the pie
ces are inspired with life, and ache
to kick them through the window.
But she doesn't lose her PATIENCE
She goes around with that awfully
exasperating rigging on, with o
length of pipe under each arm, and
a long handled broom in her hand,
and says she don't see how it is some
people never have any difficulty in
putting up stove. Then you miss
the hammer. You don't see it any
whore. You stare in the pipe, along
the mantle, and down on the stove,
aud off to the floor. Your wife looks
at you, and is finally thoughtful
enough to inquire what you are look
ing after, and on learning, pulls the
article from her rocket. Then you
feel as if you could go out doors and
swear a hole two feet square through
a block of brick buildings, but she
merely observes: "Why on earth
don't you speak when you want any
thing and not stare around like a
dummy" When that part of the
pipe which goes through the wall is
sp, she keeps it up with her broom,
while you are making the connection
and stares at it with an intensity
that is entirely uncalled for. All the
while your position is becoming more
and moro interesting. The pipe don't
20 together, of course. The SCOT
shakes down into your eyes and
mouth, the sweat rolls down your
face and tickles your chin as il drops
off, and it seems as if your arms are
slowly but surely drawing out of
their sockets.
Here your wife comes to the res
cue by inquiring if you are going to
be all day doing nothing, and if you
think her arms arc made of cast iron,
and then the broom slips Of the pipe,
and in her endeavor to recover her
hold she jabs you under the chin
with the handle, and the pipe comes
down on your head with it's load of
fried SCOT, and then the chair tits
forward enough to discharge your
feet, and you come down on the
wrong end of that chair with a force
that would bankrupt pile driver
You don't touch that stove again.
You leave your wife examining the
chair and bemoaning it's injuries, and
you go into the kitchen and wash
your skinned and bleeding hands
with yellow soap. Then you 90
down street after a man to do the
business, and your wife goes over to
the neighbors with her chair, and
drains the neighborhood dry of it,
sympathy long before you get home
-Danbury Neics.
la The most original spelling W.