Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1873-01-02
Varieties.


When it rains. -
"TRANsPoRTED'' for life-The man
who marries happily.
THE whole number of dead letters last
year was $4,241 374.
Too FULL for rutterance-The man who
| filed his mouth with hot baked apple.
Why is the insi 1e of thing uniu-
AN ill-natured, pussy man is like
| tallow candle. He always sputters when
he is put out.
W1Dows' mourning caps are now called
sscaps of liberty" Complimentary to
the dear departed.
"KEEp 'em alive, boy; keep 'em
alive,', said an old physician to his
young brother practitioner. :" Dead
men pay no bills
| "THERE, now" cried little Bessie, the
other day, rummaging drawer in the
bureau, g grandpa has gone to heaven
without his spectacles."
IT is with diseases of the mind as with
those of the body we are half dead
before we understand our disorder, and
| half cured when we do.
MEN are frequently ike Yea. LHo
real strength and goodness is not prop
erly drawn out of them until they have
| been short time in hot water.
Is THERE letter here for Mike
Howe 2" asked lady at the Springfield
postoffice. There is no letter here for
anybody's cow" was the gruf reply.
A WESTERN paper chronicles the hang
| ing of horse thief thus: Mr.. J inn
| Clemton, equine abductor, of Minnesota,
was lately the victim of a necktie socia-
BILE"
WENDELL PHILLIPS famous lecture on
g The Lost Artsp has bee4 captured at
last by a phonographiEtre reporter, and
published in full in the New York Irib-
tute. Etss n
WHAT house pet is tkatso generally
admired, sought after aaaA. valued, yet
more abused, trampledS upon, kicked
about, looked down upon, and whipped
than any otner2 A catpet.
A MAN lately made "a wager. that he
had seen horse going at his greatest
speed and dog sitting on his tail, and,
| strange as it may SCENT he won, but the
dog was sitting or his own tail.
| THOSE marine boots, lately invented
! in Paris, by which the -sweaFer could as
| easily walk upon water as land, have
been tried. They were not success,
except where submarine observation is
the object, for, although the boots hoat,
the wearer is left to hang on the surface
of the water by them in an inverted
position.
On board the vessels of the Cunard
line, says the London Court Journal, the
church service is read every Sunday
morning. The muster roll of the crew
| is called over, and they attend service.
A gentleman said to one of the sailors:
care you obliged to attend public serv-
| ice 2" " Not exactly obliged, sir, replied
Jack; "we should lose our grog if we
dian't.n e,.
"I SAY, amt you going to send that
boy to school Y' &c No, sir. He went
one day and cemed 'ome sayin' it was
wrong to get drunk. D'you think I'll
have my p'rental feelin's outraged, and
all the sweet inf 'ences o. 'ome affecshun
broken by swells teachin' of i'm such
things. Come, ant you goin' to stand
| pint?"
THE NEW WORLDS GRAND REMEDY.-
The Old World has played its part in
vegetable medication. But the botany
of the New World is, as yet, imperfectly
explored. One sew and most important
I E0VSIdbIOh lIO44 tA4S0 A6H4 Va
California-shas astonished the scientific,
and accomplished such cures of diseases
of the stomach and bowels, bilious COM
plants, malarious fevers, nervous affec-
tions, and all diseases proceeding from
vitiated condition of the blood, as have
never before been witnessed.
Before WALKERS CALIFORNIA VINEGAR
BITTERs all the alcoholic and mineral
medicines are rapidly falling into dis
use. They cannot resist the overpower-
ing evidence brought forward every day
of the immense superiority of this med
icine. Not drop of any variety of dis
titled or fermepted liquor or mineral
poison enters. into its composition. 1t
is a gentle aperient, a tonic, derived
from entirely new vegetable sources, an
unrivaled stomachic, admirable in all
pulmonary diseases; and, in fact, as
near to universal remedy as botanical
discovt ry and scientific skill can hope
: to attain. DIR. Walker considers 1T a
cure for all diseases not organic. and
really the great variety of diseases in
? which it is successful seems to warrant
the opinion. Every family needs such
remedy. 1t saves pain, anxiety and
doctors bills. We know what trouble
it is to keep the bowels of children In
, order, and any remedy that will
, strengthen and regulate their weak and
f variable digestion must be domestic
blessing.-[Com.