The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1873-05-17
VARIETY.

Man respiEes, aspires, expires
Odd-feows' haul-A rich wife.
To love is the only thing that fill up eternity.
An editor who was going acquiring said he
was going to press
Why do honest ducks dip their heads under
water3 To liquidate their little bills.
Why religious people ft subjects for ento-
molOgists? Because they are insects
What is that which has q mouth and never speaks
and bed in which it never sleeps? a river.
How TO turn peoples heads-Come into a con-
cert lnte with creakIDg boots.
OF the hundred good things in this life, ninety
nine are health.
An eastern journalist has discovered the cor
rect pronunciation at last-mo6-o'HGrS.
Mark Twain assaiIs the character of j. Iscariot
by calling him premature Congressman.
Kansas lawyers fined for profanity and con-
tempt Of court when they undertake to quote
Latin to the judge.
A Virginia paper describes fence which is
made of such crooked rails that every time u pig
crawls through he comes out on the same side.
Mark Twain says that among the most foolish
things the Sandwich Islanders do, is to elect the
most incOrruptble men to Congress.
A Cincinnati teacher by the name of Rapp
struck one Of his pupils the head with an
English gTammar-and he parsed to a better
world.
Taxation is said to bear equally ON all classes,
from the fact that it hardly presses on the rich,
and presses hardly on the poor.
4 crusty old bachelor Gays that Adams wife
called Eve, because when she appeared, mans
day of happiness was drawing to a close.
Some Of the members of Congress who poeketed
the $4,000 back pay bonus going to the
81.
Conscientious to spend the money ut home.
Kansas youth has frozen his nose seven times
this winter, pacing in front of bis sweetheart's
house. waiting for tue - other fellow - to leave.
At a concert recently, ut the conclusion of the
song, 8 There's q good time coming" country
farmer got up and exclamed-'' Mister, you
COULDN'T Ex the date, could yOu?'
Some experienced Indian-fghters of Nevada
want 10 contract 10 clean out the MOdOcs within
sixty days and deliver their scalps to the Govern
ment. They willing to do the job for $50, 900.
Josh Billings says There IL one thing about
a hen that looks like wisdum-they don't kackle
much until after they have laid their eggs. Sum
pEOlks are alwus a Dragging and a hacking what
they are going tew do beforehand"
There is distinguished poet in the Virginia
Enterprise. He pathetically alludes to California
a. n place where the dissolute grasshopper sitteth
rpOn ye mullen stalk and raspeth hIs libidinous
nddle. Next
Josh Billings says will state for the infor-
nation Of those who haven't had chance TO Law
In insect wisdom as freely as | have, that one
single hornet, who feels well, will break up q
whole camp meeting"
Lectu1iug on the Sandwich Islands, in New
York the other evening, Mark Twain graphically
described the costume Of the islanders. In the
towns they wear something like civilized garments
but :" in the up-eOuntry they wear-well, a
smile, or 4 pair of speetacles, or something of
that sort"
4 California musical critic thus speaks of a
prima dOna-s' She had, and l suppose still re-
tains a magnificent voice for fog whistle. Its
compass was perfectly surprising. She would
shake the chandelier with a wild whoop that
made every man instinctively feel for his scalp,
and follow it up with a roar that would shame a
bassOOn."
Affected young lady. seated IN a rocking chair
reading the Bible, exclsims-'' Mother, here is q
grammatical error in the BIbleI" Mother, low
ering her spectacles, and approaching the reader
IN very scrutinizing attitude, says % Kill 1t,
kill it It's the very thing that has been eating
the bOOk-marks!
One Of the cases on the docket at franklin re-
Gently was the suit Of young man against his
father for money which plaintiff claims he loaned,
but which the defendant averTed belonged to him
self The counsel for the defendant, in summing
up the case salo, very Pituliy-' Twice mas ne
returned to his fathers house, twice for him has
the fatted calf been killed, and he now comes
back for the old cow
A Bud OF PRONsE.-A boy of tender years and
heart has drowned seventeen kittens, tied tin
pans to the tails of all the neigbbOrs dogs orna-
mented his chamber by pinning flies to the wall,
cut brickbats with his uncie's razor, blown up a
pet canary with a fre-cracker, pulled the tail
feathers out Of two rOossrs, been thrown into the
top Of an apple tree by cow that he was teasing,
brushed his fathers hat against the grain. told
his sisters lover about her false teeth, and still
his Sond mother intends him for the pulpit.