Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-06-19
PHUNNYGRAMS.

"A schOOlmaSter on being asked what
was meant by the word "fortifcation, y
answered, Two twentyfications make a
fortification''
"A newly developed industry is the
manufacture of nOse-pinchers, made after
the pattern OF patent clothes-pins, but very
highly finished. They are designed for
young people who are keeping company
with each other, and will probably have
quite run through the young onion sea
son.-Danbury Ne,cs.
Senator Scott, talking to Pennsyl-
vania Sunday-school, a Sunday or two
ago, asked the scholars why Simon was
kept IN prison. One of the teachers quiet
ly prompted boy to say that it was for a
hostage, and the youth, not quite catching
the words, piped OUT HE was detained
for postage"
The bare-footed season opens we'll,
although the boys report a scarcity of
those desirable twO-inch hemlock slivers,
but the engineers of the Boston, Hartford
and Erie Road expect to sink a number
OF stakes IN this section this summer, so
we hardly think the slivers will be missed.
-Dan6e'y Neeos.
Since the discovery of the Bender
murders, there is not a Chicago drummer
who travels who has not been in the habit
OF dining at the Bender mansion frequent
~. The reason they escaped is, that when
the fatal hammer tap descended on their
heads it was like Draining a sponge or
India rubber ball.-St. Louis Democrat
A Stony Hill mother fondly believed
her eldest from town could carve a piece
of roast beef at dinner, and directed him
to do so, just to show the company how
nature had endowed him. SO he took
hold with vim, and inside of thirty-five
seconds had the piece across the table and
into the laps of two elderly ladies from
Sherman, and, besides breaking four dol
lars worth Of crockeryss had scalded both
of his fathers legs with the gravy until
the skin peeled otf.-Dapbury Neeos.
A little five-year-old boy residing in
Sutton, Mass, made his first appearance
IN Sunday -school few Sabbaths since.
He listened attentively to the recitations,
and when the teacher reached him she
asked him if he had little verse to say.
He replied promptly in the affirmative.
and repeated very solemnly:
"Old Grandsire Graybeard
Wouldn't say his PRAYERS
SO they took him by the left leg
..
The man who lives just back of us,
Chubb, has yellow tom-cat whose intel
llgence is almost human. Chubb's cat
possesses voice like Tuscarora Indian,
and when it gets out into the yard on
moonlight night and meets a cat with
alHerent political views, and reasons with
IL ana INDUCES in animated conversation,
ana ilits out handfuls of fur, you can hear
debate for 10
USED 70 be much annoyed by the continual
disturbance, and he would disperse the
meeting with bullets and other proiectiles
But at last he noticed that his remon-
strances had no effect. The more soap-
cups and boots he fired into the ward the
louder his yellow tom cat would screech;
and when he would bang away with his
gun, the cat would send out a wild. un-
earthly yowl which would wake people
WITHIN fifteen squares, and set eight or
Ten thousand dogs to barking 1t seemed
SO sc queer to Chubb that his cat always re-
Iuseo TO move on when hit, that he de-
ermlned one night to watch it. Just at
uusk ne observed that cat drag about |
Twelve inches of old stove-pipe out from
under bush and crawl into it. Then the |
cat inserted It's legs through four holes |
mat had been punched in the iron. and |
WIN us mead projecting through the end,
an lts body clad in armor, it winked at
Chubb, and rambled off to attend the
massmeetlng Chubb says now that he
wouldn't take thousand dollars for that
cat; but II we do not tunnel under Chubb's
yard some night and blow his tom-cat
mo eternlty with submarine torpedo,
y wiz De very singular. We admire in
senulty, but a vociferous tom.cat makes
is unhappy. '