The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1873-08-21
IIUMOR.


Noes.
"A country girl, whose supply Of but
tons Tor her gown ran out, selzeu heE
mothers butter plates, covered them, ana
found them just the pattern.
Literary Gent lat Saratoga, to shoddy
Miss)-"Have you read Shakespeare ="
Shoddy Miss-"Oi course ! have. read
them when they Gust came out"
"A rural paper says Without intend
ing to be personal, we feel bound to de-
clare that, il our Postmaster would re-
sign, many timid persons would feel sale
about their money letters"
-"Does one woman in fifty I'LL the
lower half OF her lungs with air 7" Is the
stern inquiry Of q sanitary exchange. The
editor Of that paper never heard the voice
Of an iniuriated moIher-in-law. ~ ~
IL your Grand boy takes an unusually
long time TO bring your morning mail
from the Post Office, don't reproVe him
for being slow till you find out how many
postal cards he has had TO read.
The man who divided the human
race into two Classes-exploded humbugs
and unexploded humbugs-has not yet
decided, SO far as heard from, in which
class to locate. s.!.'.
Susan B. Anthony, remarks the Bos'
ton IFGuGI&6T, wants the name Of the
Pullman cars altered either TO Pullman
and.Woman or Pull'irrespeCtiVe. oI.sex
cars.
"A Paris correspondent sends this
fWhy arc you crying 30, my child 7" In
quired mamma other grOwn.up daughter.
Because Mile. B. gave me clap in the
lace" "And did you returnit?" mo;
gave her one first"
indianapolis claim to have 1900
children, aud yet she let an alligator
starYe 10 death there the other day mere.
" for the want Of something OF that sort
10 eat-LOuisOille CoRriT.J0urnaI.
"A Rutland youth, who "sloped his
board bill, sent this exasperating billet to
his deffauded landlady :"8Iiss A.-Please
do not worry about me. Again enjoy
the comforts Of q home. Ny present
hash.maker improves on you considera'
bly," ..-r .o,l /
I'm an editorial on the horse disease,
the C0ngregationalist suggested that II
might be well 10 sit at the feet, ola horse
and learn humility. "Just So" says the
California NewS Letter.; "sit down at tho
hind feet Of q mule, and II he don't humil,
late you, pull his tail and tickle the inside
Of his legs with stable fork"
Not long since young Kentuckian
paid his,undivided attention to one oil the
fair sex, and concluded to pop tho ques.
ton. After much stammering and hest
tatlon. the young lady exclaimed, II am
partially engaged, but my mother wants
tomarry lYll iti = 3 -
NJ hope, Mn. Giles" said lady who
was CAnvassing for choir at the village
church, "you will persuade your husband
10 Join us. am told he has sonorous
voice" "a snorous voice, marm?" said
Mrs Giles. "Ah, you should hear 1t
comm out Of his nose when he's asleep !"
1fInsh has q pathetic, picture Of a
married conpleoia calling hlp., As they
wait at the door where they haveTdhg
the bell, Augustus is thus cautioned: "Au-
gustus, love, let me beg of you'll Do not
0iva way TO any inAOnO dOuaOn0tratlon5 OF I,
delight before the servant, II she says
they're not at home" "
One Of the guests at q dinner recent.
" given by the Union League Club, after
responding 10 the toast, "Wo.
man, God blessher !" reached home quite .
drunk and had bis eye, .blacked" by his
wife ins moment Of emotion. - y =
"A colored debating society in Tren-
ton, Tenn, has Just debated the question,
(which ia the most profit TO man-money
or education ~ One Of the debaters ar-Ei
gued that If It had not been for education
the world would not have been half so
as it Is. This clincher was met, however,
by the Irresistible argument that elf
4 want for money how you gwine to ride
on de kyars~ 1t was at once decided In
favor OF money. - r..r Hss4-i -
Exhibitions Of 1s73.-Miss Clara Pen.
sive TO her drawing .master) Whst'an
ugly model you must have had for that
Young lady Ia your piCtute, Mr.. Pigment"
Mr.. Pigment "Do you think SOP My
sister was the model" Miss Clara Pen.
siye-"Ahl. Good gracious mel Yes, !,
ought to; have known 1t, she Is SO like
: -Ab ~bCuuOl COuSG4 tn1 OlnCA
eVeAilgSthe following occurred: Little
fellow Sfeeiting his Verse) II am the
Bread Of Life.n Superintendent (ques-
tionings him as to his knowledge 81 the
Bihle) Vlio said Il am the Bread Of
LiieS!'H Little fellow lin surprise)I"l
said il" .... ..,,-rre
."Janes jenkins" said schOol.master
TO his pupil, a. what is an averaged" "a
thing, ST." answered the scholar, prompt
y,"that Hens lay eggs on" "'Why. do
you say that. you silly boy ~ replied the
petngogue. Because 81" saidthe youth,
" l heard gentleman say the other day
as o hen would,lay, on an averages hun
dred and twenty eggs year" 81
Thu Rev. -, OF Erie, Pa, Is men.
ergetic worker, but as yet he has failed to
convert o certain wealthy stakeholder In
VariOtis mining enterprises. Talking TO
him the other day, he said: "Mr. -,
you are getting your fortune by investing
thinning stock; now IWant you To- take
stock in the golden streets Of Heaven"
The reply was continuance OF the meta
phor "Well, l guess won't invest to!
day; I've lost considerable on that North
Shore investment; and who knows but
the country you refer to may be sailed
tooE
"a youth Of 10 years. residing in BlDg-
harntol, played SO long on recent after.
noon that he did not get home until sup
per was over, and consequently was told
that he could have nothing TO eat. Cast
ing one look behind him he started for the
door, at the same time remarking
"Mother, I'm going TO die, and when I'm
dead want the DOCTOR to cut me open
and look at my stomach" The mother,
greatly alarmed, inquired what he meant,
when he replied: II want them to know
that I died Of starvation" Assay OF pro.
ceedIngs" was ordered, and the boy