The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1873-01-11
THE SANDWICH ISLANDS.

MARK TWAIN SHOFELS IN so."H
MORE IMPORTATION COSCERSlN"
THEM-A TOY GOVERNMENT AND
AN INTOXICATED NoBlLlI -,
THE BLESSINGS OF ANNEEAlioN'
TExtracts from Mark Twain's scc"h" ''''e' :" VIC
New York Tribunr.J
u,v;no exr,Ia;ned who the 5000 whites
ere. and what sort of people the 10000 ma
.iycs are, I will now shower IN some inlcrma'
tinn Az to how this toy realm. with its toy
ropulstion. is governed. Bya constable and
six policemen By justice Of the peace
and jury By mayor and board Of al
t,erment Oh, no. But by kins-and Il
northumberland a ministry-and priYy
council-and standing army (200 soldicrs)--
and navy (steam ferry boat and a raft)-and
grand bench Of supreme lustices--and
lord high sheriff on each Island. That Is the
way it is done. 1t is like rropeIlnS sar-
dine dish with the Great Eastern's ma
Chinery.
Something over fifty yearsago the natives,
Nv sudden impulse which they could hot
understand themselves, burned all their ldo!S
and overthrow the ancient religion OF the
land. Curiously enough, our first invoice OF
missionaries were sailing around the Horn
AZ the time, and they arrived just in season
TO furnish the people new and much better
means Of grace. They baptized men, wo-
men, and children at once and by whole
sale, and proceeded to instruct them in the
kcntts of the new religion Immediately after
ward. They built enormous churches. and
received into communion as many AS 5000
people in single day. The fame of it went
abroad In the earth, ana everywhere the
nations rcjciced. The unworthy called it n
"great awakening; and even the unrc-
generated were touched, and spoke OF
it with admiration. The missionaries
learned the language, translated the
Bible and other books into it, established
schools, and even very complete colleges.
and taught the whole nation to read and
write; the princes and mobiles acquired col
legiate educations. and became familiar with
half a dozen dead and living languages.
Then, some twenty years later, the mission
aries framed q constitution which became the
law of the land. 1t lifted woman up TO
level with her lord it placed the icnant|esS
at the mercy of bis landlord; it established 4
lust and cquable system of taxation; it in
PRODUCED the ballot and universal suffrage; il
defined and secured to king, chiefs, and
people their several rights and privileges;
and it instituted parliament in which all
the estates of the realm were TO be repre-
scented, and, if I remember rightly, 1t gave
this parliament power to pass laws over the
kings veto.
wHIsKEY.DRINK1SG NOBILITY.
In rank Prince William oycrtops any chief
in the islands about Gs an English royal
dixie overtops mere eari. He is the only
Hawaiian outside OF the royal family who is
entitled to bear and transmit the title OF
prince; and he is so popular that if the
scep're were put TO popular vote he would
"wak over the track He used to be Il
very handsome fellow, with truly princcly
department. drunk or sober; but merely
speak fiyurutive!y-h never was drunk; he
did not hold enough. All his features were
titir. and he had Il Roman nose that was Il
model Of beauty and grandeur. lie was
hIitn flil of spirit, pluck, and enterprise;
his head was full OF brains, aud his speech
VA, i;,cc and all alive with point and vigcr.
There WAC nothing undcrhnded or two
faced about him. but be always went straight
at everything he undertook, without caring
who saw his hand or understood lis game.
Il" was potent friend Of America and
-tnlcrictns. Such is the true heir to the
vacant throne il he is not dead, ~ said
ltfure.
wHIsKEY's ASTIDOTE.
have suggested that William drinks.
That Is not an objection TO Sandwich
i-lander. Whiskcy cannot hurt them il
c.in seldom even tanglc the legs or bCto@ The
brain: OF practiccd native. III is only water
with flavor to it. TO Prince Bill !; Ii is what
c',icr is to us. Poi is the all.rowcrtui agent
Tat protects the lover OF Whi>key. Whoever
,at,it lahitlrlliy nay imhibc habttaily with
oct serious harm. The late king and his late
sister, NictOrla, both drank unlimited whis-
key. and so would the rest of the natives if
They could gct 1t. The native beverage, AGA.
j. 81 terrific that mere whiskey is fooliSbness
10 Il. Ii turns mans skin to white fish,
>@Ilcs. that are SO tough q dog. might bite
hin and he would not know it till he read
about il in the papers. 1t is made o! a root
q; same kind. The equality" drink this to
enme extent. but the excise law has placed
it almost beyond the reach Of the plcbcians.
After G.ca, what is whiskey?
Many years ago the late king and his bro
tier visited California, and some Sacramento
fuiks thought it would be fun to get them
drunk. So they gathered together the most
responsible soakers in the town and BEGAN
to ill up royalty and themselves with strong
brandy punches. At the end of two or three
hours tho citizens were all lying torpid un-
der The table, and the two princes were sit.
tiug dscoIsolate and saying what lonely,
day country it was | tell it to you rs il
was told TO Inc in Sacramento.
A ROYAL CURIOSITY.
The late king was frequently on hand in
The royal pew i'll the Royal Hawaiian Re-
formed Catholic church on Sundays; but
whenever he got into trouble he did not fly
TO the cross for help--he flew to the heather
gods OF his ancestors. Now, this was man
who would write YOU Il beautiful letter, in a
nultlcss hand, and word it in faultless Eng
llsh, and perhaps throw in a few graceful
classic illusions, and perhaps few happy
references to science, international law, or
the worlds political history or he would
array himself in elegant eyeniug-dress and
entertain you at his board in prinrely style,
and converse like born Christian gentle.
man; and day after day he would work
like beaver in affairs of state, and
on occasion exchange autograph letters
with the kings and emperors of the
Old World. And the very next week,
business being over, he would retire to a
cluster OF dismal little straw-thatchcd native
huts by the seashore, and there for q fort
night he would turn himself into 4 heather
whom you could not tell from his savage
grandfather He would reduce his dress to q
hrccch-clout, fill himself daily full of Wills
key, and sit with certain of his concubines
while Others danced the peculiar hula-bula.
And If oppressed by great responsibilities
he would summon one of his iamIiarS, an
ancient witch, and ask her to tell him the
opinion and the commands Of the heather
nd thnco lo ,vnpll ,k,,,