Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1873-02-20
MARK TWAIN ON A RAILROAD.CAR.

l got into the cars and took seat in luXta-
position to female. The females face was a
perfect insurance company to her-it insured
her against ever getting married to any body
except blind man. Her mouth looked like
a crack in dried lemon, and there was no
more expression than in cup of cold custard
She appeared as if she had been through one
famine and got about two-thirds through an
other. She was old enough to be great grand
mother to Mary that had little lamb. She
was chewing prize popcorn, and carried in her
hand yellow rose, while band-box and
cotton umbrella nestled sweetly by her side.
could not guess whether she was on mis-
sion of charity, or was going west to start a
saw mill. I was full of curiosity to hear her
speak, so said:
"The exigencies of the times require cir
cumspection in person who is travelling"
Says she "what?"
Says /, "the orb of day shines resplendent
in the vault above"
She hitched around uneasy like then she
raised her umbrella and said: II don't want
any of your sass-git out''-and got out.
Then I took seat alongside male fellow,
who loved to see the ghost of Hamlet length
ened out. He was stately cuss, and he was
reading.
Says I, "Mister, did you ever see camel
opard?" I said camelopard, because it is a
pious animal, and never eats any grass with
out getting down on its knees.
He said he hadn't seen camelopard.
Then said I, "do you chew?"
He said, "no, SIR
Then said I, chow sweet is nature"
He took this for a conundrum, and said be
did not know
Then he said he was deeply intereted in the
history of great man.
"Alas!" he exclaimed, Eve are but few
/ told him I knew one; the man that made
my cooking stove was great man.
Then he asked, "would read?"
Says l, "what have you got?"
He replied, "Watts' Hymns, Reveries by
Moonlight, and How to Spend the Sabbath" ="
l said, "none of them for Hannah, but if
you have an unabridged business directory of
New York city will take little read."'
Then he said, ''young man, look at these
gray hairs"
1 told him I saw them, and when q man
got as old as he was he ought to dye. Says I,
"you need not think those hairs are any sign
of wisdom-I had seen very wise man that
was baldheaded only sign that your
system lacks iron, and I advise you to 60
home and swallow a crowbar."
He took this for irony, and what little of
entente cordiale there was between us was
spilled. 1t turned out that he was chaplain
of base ball club.
When we got to Rochester, called for a
bowl of bean soup. 1t ought to be called
lead soup. send you the recipe for making
it: "Take lot of water, wash it we'll, and
brol it until it is brown on both sides; then
very carefully pour one bean into it and let it
simmer. When the bean begins to get rest
less, sweeten it with salt, then put it up into
air-tight cans, hitch each can to brick and
chuck it over, and the work is DONE"
The above recipe originated with man in
Iowa, who got up suppers on odd occasions
for Odd Fellows. He has recipe for oyster
soup, leaving out the salt.
Speaking of Iowa, reminds me of the way I
got the money to pay for my ticket and that
fellows supper. I bet fellow dollar that I
could tell how much water to quart went
under the railroad bridge over the Mississippi
st Dubuque in year. He bet, and I said
two pints to quart. l won the bet, but after
all, that supper was an awful swindle. If
that city did not settle faster than its coffee
did, its old settlers club would be failure
and the city too.
Dubuque is celebrated for its fine turnout
on the streets. While was there wagon
upset and spilled lot of women.