The Andrew County Republican. [volume] (Savannah, Mo.) 1871-1876, 1873-05-23
VARIETIES.

WHEN has man ghost of chance
of appeasing his appetite? When he's
a-goblin' up anything.
A YOUNG farmer in Rhode Island
being asked If he believed IN futnre
state, replied: "In course / does. and
I'm going to enter it tew, just - soon
as Betsy gifts her things ready"
Mrs. PETER PRER's baby was making
tremendous noise, and q friend asked
Peter why it was so cross? "It has
stormy mother" !" said Peter, with . sigh !;
"you needn't wonder if it's . little
squally, its quite natural"
An auctioneer exclaimed Why,
really, ladies and gentlemen, I am giv-
ing these things away" "Are you?"
said an old lady present. "Well. I'll
thank you for that silver pitcher you
have in your hand"
An Irishman, meeting another, asked
him what had become of mutual
friend. "Arrah, now my dear honey"
answered he, "Paddy was condemned
10 be hanged, but he saved his life BY
dying in prison."
A DRuNkARD, on being told that the
earth is round and turns on its axis al
the time, said: 81 believe that, for
I've never been able to stand on the
darned thing" -
This is a new but unsanctified verzion
of the old couplet which says, 81 never
had dear gazeile, etc.:
"Twss ever thus; from childhoods hour
I've seen my fondest hopes take night,
never held . larboard bower,
But some one took it with the right"
A PENNSYLVANIA editor, disgusted
with the ordinary prospectus. comes out
fairly and frankly. He says his paper
is can airy old sheet, devoted to wind,
whisky. wickedness, and other religious
matters. vo1 PopuE, vox Beelsebub r
A YOUNG lady teacher Of q Milwankes
Sunday school recently narrated the
Crucif1ion to her class of little boys,
and when she had thought she had fair
ly engaged their minds, was surprised
with "Bet you they wouldn't done it
if Buffalo Bill'd been there" /"
AwrE asked her husband for now
dress. He replied: Times are hard,
my dear-so hard I can hardly keep my
nose above water" Whereupon she re-
torted, "You can keep your nose above
water easy enough, if You have mind
to; but the trouble is that You keep it
too much above brandy"
A QUAINT old gentleman, of an active,
stirring disposition, had q man at work
in his garden who was quite the reverse.
"Jones," said he, '.did You ever see
snail2" Certainly" said Jones.
"Then," said the old man, "you must
have met him, for you could never have
overtaken him."
A PAPER speaking of strikes says
"You never hear of farmers striking.
Now it occurs to us that we have known
of such things. We fancy that Il you
should let one of them catch you in his
orchard borrowing" apples, or sam
pling cider through o straw, we just hint
that you would be apt to see him
"strike," or. at all events, you might
feel him striking.
An Elm street boy smoked his first
pipe on Saturday, and came homo very
sick. He didn't know what Was the
matter with him, but his mother did.
She gave him two quarts Of bonesee tea,
and put quarter-yard Of plaster on his
breast and some mustard drafts ON his
feet. Then she put him to bed, and
darkened the room, and fed him on .
new kind OF balsam till Monday morn
ing, when she allowed she had got the
best Of that typhus attack. ck.-DaaburS
Ne,0s.