The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-08-15
FIRST INTRODUCTION TO De TIRE,
MEMS & COZ
[From st. Paul's Magazine.

I am an old commercial. I have
been on the road nearly thirty years.
| during which time I have managed to
make our house at Rockdale the most
famous in the trade for Welsh fanneIs
and railway rugs.
My success, however, with my custo-
mers has not so much depended upon
the goodness or cheapness of the goods
L had 10 offer as upon my personal
| abilities to please all sorts of people.
L can sing good song, and tell funny
story. can drink wine, beer, and
whisky IN any reasonable quantities,
without growing dull or drunk. I can
| even sit with a teetOtal customer for
mortal hours, over cup or two of tea,
without swearing, always providing
there is a fair chance of line in nv
order-sheet.
One day last month was iourneying
in my gig from Shrewsbury to Chester !;
the day was dull and damp, and a
Scotch mist pervaded creation; the
hedgerows on either side of the road,
the people met or overlook, the cows
and sheep in the fields, the crows and
| sparrow, the houses I passed, seemed
utterly miserable, wet through, done
up, and mystifed. I have waathered
many a storm, have been wet and dry
again two or three times day; I have
been split into bitches, pitched into
hedges, and against stone walls I have
been robbed and nobbed by footpads
| and life-preservers but never before
| had I lost the natural buoyancy and
| jollity of my disposition. On themorn-
ing of the day in question, however, 7
felt like all things animate and inani-
| mate, to speak commercially, fooled.
| OF course l had my remedy with me in
my driving-box, which [ soon pressed
into service it was pint flask, full of
the purest Glenlivat. "This is balm
of Gilead for any weather." thought I,
as took my first dose. My mouth ex-
actly holds One-eighth of a pint.
Hundreds of gallons have Travelled
the same way, but belive ambrOsial
| nectar could never have been so CRATE
full to a thirsty god as that streak of
liquid sunshine was to me-. / felt my
chest expand, and my minds eye could
see my other eyes sparkle with a CLINT
of their usual fire. What cared l for
wet without? ? The whisky within was
proof against watery particles, and de-
fed them in any shape; so, taking
another drink to make sure l had not
vious occasion, L logged on, sometimes
muslng on my past, sometimes specula-
ting as to my future, refreshing my
memory and squirting my hopes with
spirits of the elixir, until in due course
L arrived at the Red Dragon, at Ches-
ter, full of my usual spirits, and with
an empty flask.
By the time n hissing-hot rump steak
fD,-
tenn, | had duly sent off my dispatches
to our house. Business first, pleasure
afterward so l sat down to my dinner
pint of sherry, then had q drop of
brandy to assist digestion, and then my
usual forty winks.
[ considered had fairly got through
the business of the day, and, brighten
ing up, I called for my pipe and forum
of toddy, and, rasigning myself to the
| soothing influence of the weed and
whisky, waited patiently for an arri-
val to spend the evening with for I
was alone in the commercial room, and
| the only sounds cognizable to my senses
were those of the rain pelting away at
| the window and the hollow rumbling of
stray vehicles over the paving-stones.
did not count, [ never do, but I
believe | had arrived at my fifth grog
| and pipe, when, feeling chill, I drew
the heavy armchair chOser to the fire;
this little act occupied several minutes,
for the handy legs of the stupid old
chair would make for themselves a
place under the hearth-rug. I tried to
circumyent the awkward limbs, and
temporized with my toe but the more
l kept on wanting to get them right, the
more they kept on not wanting to be
righted, and, being fidgety in all little
matters of personal comfort, was posi-
lively obliged, at a risk of a rush of
blood to the head, to lift the clubfooted
old chair with one hand, and to lay the
refractory corner of the rug with the
other.
When, by this effort of exhausted
nature, I had accomplished nv object.
L took stiff pull at my replenished
toddy, filled my pipe and lighted it.
and, with the feelings of man who
had obtained victory, I threw myself
into my late enemys lap, pinched his
mahogOny old arms with my elbows,
stretched out my feet upon the fender,
and laughed outright at my triumph,
with my usual jolly ha! ha till the
room rang again.
"Ha! ha ha hal" till the room
rang again; followed like an echo the
Ha ha that originally belonged to
me.
To my surprise and delight, I found
an arrival had ensconced himself in the
fellow-chair to mine, had his forum of
toddy on the other corner of the mantel,
his pipe in full blast, his elbows on the
mahogany arms of my late enemy's
own brother, and his toes almost touch
ing mine on the fender
looked at the arrival, and the arri-
val looked at me- I bowed to him. and
received a courteous bend in return.
"Wet night" said I.
"Wet night" said he.
"And cold" said /.
"And cold," said he.
Nice fire, said I.
Nice fire, " said he.
He seemed to try to give his words
my exact intonation.
He was 7mocking me
"Demn it, " said I, and laughed
Damn it " said he, and laughed,
laughed so much like me that could
not distinguish any difference, either in
quantity or quality he was right to a
single ha !
1 took another pull at my toddy, and
so did he L smoked my pipe serenely,
and made very deliberate survey of
my friend. He became immediately
engaged in the same interesting occupa-
tion with me. He was a man about NV
own age, and evinced his taste by
adopting a style of costume closely re
sembling my own. noticed particuly
that his feet were encased in french
cloth boots, with narrow tips of patent
leather at the toes. like mine in fact,
felt tempted to offer him considerable
odds that | could name theymaker and
number of the lasts nnnn which they