The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1873-05-20
WIT AND HUMoR.

"A bllSSlSsippl murderer sAlu lO tue
sheriff from the gallows: Good by, Sam
I'll come back and tell you all about
IL" The sheriff hopes he won't.
Johnny, the ministers SOD, went to
his father one morning directly after
family worship, saying: Father while
you were praying saw man stealing
grapes" "Well," said the good man, "ll
you had been praying too, you would moi
have seen him."
docs 1t pay TO keep house 7" asks
the Cincinnati Enquirer. Mark that fel-
low He Is going to send his vile out oI
town this summer, and-and-well, she
hadn't better 60.
-"Pm not In mourning" said ayOung
lady frankly 10 young lady Querist, "buI
as the widows are getting all the Offers
nowadays, we poor girls have to resort
TO artilice."
"A lady residing in Lansinburg hailed
q passing car with her little son the other
morning, 10 see him safely on the horse
car for q trip to Troy. He stepped on
board and scrambled for the front ol the
car. AS he was going, his mother said :
"Why, aren't you going to kiss your
mother before you gO?" The little fellow
was so delighted at the prospect Of ride,
and in such a hurry that he hastily re-
Joined, looking back excitedly: INT.
conductor, won't you kiss mother Tor mey'
Cooks are proVerblal for their full
physical development, but Catharine
McC Coombs, OF Macon, Ga, Is an excep-
tioh. 30 she added to her beauty, and
filled out the front part Of the waist Of her
dress, by stufflng In ham on one side,
and two loaves Of bread on the other. She
was so fascinating then, that It was
thought best to lock her up as q prOtec-
tion against the young Maconers.
"A Dutchman residing at the upper
end of Dauphin county, Pa, was applied
to, TO contribute something to the Wash
ington Monument, the agent at the same
time presenting q picture Of the contem.
plated structure Tor his inspection. The
.Dutchman regarded the plate attentively
for moment, and,at length exclaimed: /:
"Vell, l won't pay nothing towards him,
for l don't see no use to built house nit
such a big chimply."
"A Wisconsin Justice Of the peace d.
vOrced couple recently as follows: He
stood them in the middle Of the floor,
backs together, and as they walked away
from each other ho repeated the marriage
ceremony backward.
MIR. Metzel Of Baltimore, poured cOsl
oil over souer krout, mistaking 1t for
vinegar. Then he put 1t on the stove to
warm; then Il exploded, and piece Of
the dish knocked Dir. Metzel's eye out.
"A cold, pale ghost Is In the habit Of
visiting the kitchen Of Detroit house,
each night at midnight, and there cook.
ing himself q square meal. He tries to
bambozle the tenants Of the property
with story that when he was a man he
was murdered in that very kitchen.
As some lady visitors were going
through q penitGntiary, under the escort
OF a superintendent, they came 10 room
in which three women were sewing.
"Dear mel" one of the visitors whispered
"what vicious looking creatures! PrOy
what are they here for p because they
have no home, this Is our sitting room,
and they are my vile and daughters"
blandly answered the superintendent.
"A Des Moines, (Ia., woman gave her
husband morphine to cure him OF chew
ing tobacco. She makes nice looking
widow.
William NJ. Tweed Is said 10 have
spent 100000 In repairing, improving
and refurnishing the Metropolitan hotel,
New York, when II was put into the
hands oil his son, and Alexander T. Stew.
art, the owner Of the house, is reported to
have gotten the benefits OF all the i'm
provCments for a mere tritle.- The "hu.
NOR" oil this Is that It Is joke on Tweed.
There arc experts on all manner oil
subjects In these days OF litigation. A
woman testified at Norwich the other
day, In q turkey case, and declared she
knew these turkeys "by their walk, their
cOuntenRnce, and their manner Of rOost-
ing"
1t is said that several OF the MOdOcs
who were shot in the late engagements
with our troops, died before their share Of
the government blankets and ammunition
could be got to them.
"A southern paper has these among its
personals: "St. Paul Is away out west
with Minnesota. st. John will spend the
summer in New Brunswick. Elmiria Is
In New York. Elizabeth Is in New Jer-
sew. Marietta Is in Ohio. Charlotte Is In
North Carolina, and Augusta is down
here in Georgia. They don't intend visit
Ing each other this season"
AN Irish gentleman, who was hare
laborer on his glebe, and when so Occu-
pied dressed in very ragged manner,
was recently engaged attending the early
potato field, when he was surprised by
tho very rapid approach of his patron in
an open carriage with some ladies whom
he was to meet at dinner in tho afternoon.
Unable TO escape in time, he drew his hat
over his lace, extended his arms covered
with his tattered jacket, and passed him.
self of as scarccroW.
TIE LoBsTER.-When q lobster shakes
hands with you, you always know when
1t takes hold, and are exceedingly pleased
when It gets done. They have small iea.
tures and lay no claim to good looks.
When they locomote, they resemble a
small boy shufliing of In his fathers
boots. ThOy are backward, very. They
even go ahead backward. They occasion.
ally have a row, like other people, and in