The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-06-27
HUMOROUS.

| marrying q su0C0aS0u WlI6 SISTER
implies either that the husband has
treated his first wife very kindly or
very cruelty. If kindly, the sister
wishes to experience the same treat
ment if cruelty, to avenge It.
An innocent person was looking
for certain dye-house in New York,
when a wagon pointed to the morgue
and said : "I don't know where the
dye-house is, sir, but there's the dead
house."
Just as life insurance canvassers
were beginning to get tired after their
winter tours and the rustic population
| hoped for little peace and quiet, the
season of thunder-showers set in, and
the rural districts swarm with light
ning-rod agents, who won't take no for
an answer.
THE GosLN The goslin IL the old
goose's yung child. They are yeller all
over, and az soft az ball of worsted.
Their foot IL wove whole, and they kan
swim az eazy az drop of kastor oil on
the water.
They are born annually about the
| 18th ov May, and never waz known tew
die naturally.
Ii
goose Gle natral and square deth, /
| wouldn't believe him under oath after
that, not even if he swore he had lied
about seeing goose die.
The goose are different in one re-
spekt from the human family, who are
sed tew grow weaker, but wizer; where
az gozlin alwus grows tuffer and more
phoolish.
1 hav seen a goose that they said
was SO years old last June, and he
didn't look II.
The goslin waddles when he walks,
and paddles when he swims, but never
dives, like duk, out of sight in the
water, but only changes ends.
The food ov the gozlin IL rye, corn,
oats and barley, sweet apples, hasty
pudding and billed kabbage, cooked po-
tatoze, raw meat and turnips, stale
bred, kold hash, and the buckwheat
kakes that are left over.
They amt so partiklar as some
pholks what they eat, and won't git
mad and quit, if they kant have wet
toast and lam-chops every morning for
breakfast.
If waz going tew keep boarders, i
wouldn't want emmy better feeders than
an old she goose and IL goslins. If
kouldn't suit them should conklude
had mistaken mi kalling.
Rost goslin is good nourishment, if
you kan git enough ov it, but there amt
much waste meat on goslin, after yu
hav got rid ov their feathers, and dug
them out inside.
I hav alwus notissed, when yu pass
yure plate up for some more baked
goslin at hotel, the colored brother
Gums bak empty with plate, and tells
you : Mister, the roast goslin IL no
more. Josh Billings.
MAKING GARDEN.-We suppose, says
the Danbury News, there is time that
comes to every man when he feels he
should like to have q garden. If he
takes such a notion he will tell his wife
of it. This is the first mistake he
makes, and the ground thus lost is nev-
er fully recovered. She draws her
chair up to his, and lays one hand on
his knee, and purses up her lips into
a whistle of expectation-the vixen
and tells about her mothers garden,
and how nice it is to have vegetables
fresh every morning, and she will go
right out and plan the whole thing
herself. And so she does. He takes
his spade and works himself into
perspiration, and she tramps around
under a frightful sun-bonnet, and
gets under his feet and shrieks at the
worms, and loses her shoe, and makes
him first vexed, and then mad, and
then ferocious. After the garden is
spaded he gets the seed, and finds she
has been thoughtful enough to open
the papers and empty thirteen varieties
of different vegetables into one dish.
This leads him to step out doors, where
he communes with nature alone for a
moment Then he takes up the seed
and a hoe, and line, and two pegs,
and starts for the garden. And then
she puts on that awful bonnet, and
brings up the rear with long handled
rake and pocket full of beans and pc
tunia-seed and dahlia bulbs. While he
is planting the corn, she stands on the
the cucumber hills and rakes over the
seed pan. Then she puts the rake
handle over her shoulder, and the rake
teeth into his hair, and walks over the
other beds. He don't find the squash
seed until she moves. and then he digs
them out of the earth with his thumb.
She plants the beet seed herself, put
ting about two feet of earth and sod
upon them. Then she takes advantage
of his absorption in other matters,
and puts down the petunia seed in
one spot, and afterward digs
them up and puts them down in
another place. The beans she conceals
in the earth wherever she can find a
place, and puts the bulbs in the Gu
cumber hills. Then she tips over the
seed pan again, and apologies, and
steps on two of the best tomato plants,
and says 90 my!" which in no way re-
sembles what he says. About this time
she discovers better place for the pc
tunia seed, but having forgotten where
she last put them, she proceeds to find
them, and within an incredible brief
space of time succeeds in unearthing
pretty much everything that has been
put down. After confusing things 80
that there is no earthly possibility of
ever unraveling them again, she says
the sun is killing her, and goes over to
the fence where she stands four hours,
telling the woman next door about an
aunt of hers who was confined to her
bed for eleven years, and had eight doc
tors from the city. but nothing would
give her any relief until an old lady
but you have heard of it before. The
next day a man comes to his Office to
get his pay for a patent seed sower
which his wife has ordered, and he no
more than gets away before the pat
entee of q new lawn mower comes in
with an order for ten dollars, and he in
turn is followed by the corn-sheller
man, and the miserable gardner starts
for home to head off the robbers, and
finds his wife at the gate with his own
hat on, and just about to close bar
gain with a smooth-faced individual for
a two hundred dollar moving machine
and pear-handled ivory-mounted hay
cutter. He first knocks the agricultural
implement agent on the head, and
then drags the miserable woman into
the house, and locking the door, gives
himself up to his emotions.
"A woman's soul is by nature beau
tiful fresco- painting, painted on rooms,
clothes, silver walters, and upon the
whole domestic estab ablishment. -Rtcher.