, 1873-06-15
A.:.M0DERN CONVENIENCE.


messenger WonlQ pop up QUE OF the noor; L1fust
it to the left, give the ring a tug, and police
man comes rattlinR down the chimney jerk at
the ring as If you wanted ahower-bath, and the
| fire department would come locomotive speed
| for our domicile, supposed to be in flames
On the second day OF the donestioation of the
| Latest Modern Convenience in our abode my
| frst-botn summoned four messengers. That
| inquisitive boy vent suppe1lesa to bed On the
evening Of the eventful day. His mother paid
| the messengers, and economical by saving the
childs evening meal.
! But the crowning triumph OF tho Convenience
! Was yet to come and it came On a dark, rainy
night.
| I was sleeping the sleep OF innocence, when
Mrs. G. aroused me- with the old news that there
were robbers trying to get into the house. Hav-
ing received. this information 30 often In the
still watches Of tho night, disregarded it, and
| dozed On but only to be 1ostlsd again BY VIE,
ment. She insisted on my hardening. bark
ened. did boar noise ofsome kind and pro-
posed to investigate.
"oh, don't! xssre.med Mr.: a.i in "youn be
| Gimmel! TIL save us both from the blood
thirsty wretchest" She rushed TO her telegraph
box, and pushed ana talled. "Pshaw!" said
she, II have made = mstakel" And she
| pushed and pulled BOno moro.
"Oh, dear! " she cried pettish1y, IT was right
at frst!" Then there was noise in the back
yard again. Then my wife tugged with might
and main, screaming hysterically tho while.
"Now, you see, Aisph-what jeTel Of wife
| will save our ives-the life Of our perrecious
ehsyild!!n" s H.. xx. , ..,,a. rna;na ~ onr aoor-
:" Run down, aimmel! It's the needed succor!"
obeyed. No sooner had opened the door
than policeman grasped me-:
"Ah? You are the burglar, are you7 New
dodge, oh! Rugged up in . night-Ahirt with .
too old q bird to be caught with such chat !"
He shook my night garment as though it cor
cea1ed burglars in every stitch, and was about.to
drag me out of my own house-out into the
trudging over the household, followed BY moro
i've Be the messengers, sir 7" bawled ali three
in chorus.
u fetched midwife! 7" screamed the second
II want to know as to where Ana to 60! !" bel
| lowed the third. r..
And, while stared in speechless wonder,
fifth Iunatic came tearing up the steps with q
metallic knapsack on his back and hose and Pipe
| in his hand.
| "TaU me where's the fire 7" said he. Then
enufing the sir. he shouted " smell It @ heIe.
burst open the parlor door, nad played stream
OF stale soda-water on the piano from his naP-
| sack.
| The policeman began to regard me with speech
less wonder, and would haye demanded an e.
planation or an spology, had not more policemen
arrived with handouts and revolvers MY ne1gh,,
borB to the right and left Of me came IN armed
with bed-posts in the hurry Of alarm vrenched
| of. -Four men who dwell across the street came
with Bhot-guns, baseball clubs, bllard-cues,
and feather-brush; and, to heighten the DIN,
| steam hre-engine came laundering up to the
door, screeching like a locomotive With . bad
cold aud close behind clattered the Insurance
patrol wagon, which vehicle had no sooner come
| to halt than two men 1eaped from it with b
great roll of ta1paulin, with which they ran init
The parlor and unrolled over the sofas and cent1-
table. .-.-..,
bodla1n, I sought out the sergeant OF the
/ police, and humbIy asked what 1t al meant:
"Why, you soc, Mr. Gimmel," said he,
"your district alarm box struck so fierce Tor po-
/ lice, messengers, and fire, that in duty bound,
Te all came to see what could bo done in the
promises. ,,
"My vii. set thA machine s-ecins," ."ia :,
then T os %
buck chamber window, intent!y regarding the
ward. She wAs supported in flank and rear BY
my neighbo1s, armed with guns, bats, and cues:
II tell you the robbers are down there, and /
didn't ring for fire; at least did not intend to.
"Madam!" shouted policeman from the
lack stoop, in voice not to be contradicted,
"there are no robbers here"
"But heard them with my OWN ehrs, per
sisted my undAunted wife-"I hoard them try
ing to climb up the tin water-sPout"
AThst Was it, was it7" asked the cerulean
guardian Of tho peace
"Yes, JUST" determinedly snapped out
Mrs. G..
Loud and long and hearty laughed that police
man, and between his resonant outlaws he
gulpod out
ut vas-ha! hn hA!-a-het he! he Ia
cat-hot ho! ho!-arplaying with-ha HI! h. !
ia empty tin tomAso-can-ha! ha! ha!-which
it are rolling around this here blessed yard for
you all to sec! Ha! ha! ha ~"
Ny wife began to weep, the nelghoors to
1augh, the patfolmen to condemn their own
eyes, The dremen to smell the bottle, and the
three messengers to dance trlple-1ig IN the
hallway. ~
Did comfort my solitary wife? No; LETT
her to the tender mercies Of the Police Sergeant.
and oonsoled tho crowd with the amber-colored
i contents Of 4 docantcr.