The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1873-09-18
From the Toledo Blade.
THREE LETTERS.
POrtraying the Rise, Progress and Fall
Of the Celebrated Canteen
Assurance Society.
BY THE PRESIDENT THEREOF.
The Progress of the Cantcen As
ISOLATION.


in, to determn the question of salaries, COM
mishuns, brokerage, and SIGH. When say aoe
1 mean. NV course, the officers. The policy
holders hav nothing to do with settlin them
questions in other SIGH companies, and we see
no reason why they should in the Canteen.
The first biznis wuz to tlgger up wat our prob
able receipts wood be. Eff we kept 100 men,
bers at 25 cents each per week, the receipts
wood be eggsackly 81, 800 year. This we he'd
as basis to go on. 1t is well, in the Canteen
plan, to hev basis to 90 on.
We voted ourselves salaries, az follows:
Presdent-S5OO per annum.
Secretarv-S30O &C
Treasurer-S2OO " 90
And, in addition to this, we voted that on all
the business comm in, we shood be entitled 10
not less than SO per cent as commishun. And
we voted that the salaries he paid weekly. We
took, out NV the $25 we he'd in hand, 80 per
cent. commishun, 1888, which left S1667.
Then we wos a goin to take $40 for my weeks
salary; the Secretary Sc, and the Treasurer "a;
but as there want money enuff in the treasury
to pay this, we decided that in justis to the
policy holders, SO as to keep the concern free nv
QeDC, we WCOu Only tihc ~ per ttub lOI COD-
mishuns. We amt goin to run the Canteen
in debt, eff close fggerin and sooperhuman
eggsershun will keep it clear On this basis we
did hev 81 cents left, and as it wuz too little TO
60 to Cincinnati on, we postponed putting any
thin in the bari till we shood get more members
and more money.
but how will this look?'' asks the Secre-
tary.
can empty bari looks iist as full as a full
one," SEE L; ''the pocy-holders will see the
bari and be satisfied. They cant assertane any
thing till the Canteen period expires"
"But spose they shake the barl?''
"The bari will be so spiked down that it cant
be shook. There's got to be solidity in this in
stooshun. Jest pour little whisky about the
bung-hoe, so that they'll smell it, and it will
be all rite A smell is all the policy holders
get in the most NV the ihstooshuns after which
we model, and smell will satisfy EN- here"
Nv course, the board Nv officers displayed
great activity. We he'd to get new bizness, so
that by the time the first Canteen period arriv-
ed, we shood heg suthin in the bari to show,
and we succeeded. The plan looked so nice
and innocent. that it wos no trouble at all to
quarter week to each nv EN- WIZ nothin.
When the mbership reached 200, we deter
mined to fill the bari. WIZ Sc eeted to 90 to
Cincinnati to buy the likker and l went and
bought it, deductin, Nv course, % per cent. for
my commishuD. Ii is understood in our Board
that we don't expect nothin to be done for
nothin. The likker come all rite, and wos
poured into the bari, and two buckets NV water
added, that it mite be as full as possible.
So fur, it wuz satisfactory as Good be, but
while on my way he'd put in the time faithful
~ readin up the subjeck NV. Life Inshoorence.
made dskivery that no Tontine Good go on
without reserve, and, Nv course, we he'd to
hev reserve. 1t woodn't do to draw the lik-
ker out in site NV the fers, becoz they amt
as yit educated up to the pint NV understandin
them things; so we we showed the bari up agin
the wall, and tapped it on the back side with a
gimlet. We drawd eff every day quart apiece
for each officer, film up through the hung with
water. This, witch wuz our reserve, we put in
to keg, witch we kept hid in the bushes out
side the office.
In case this process shood be diskivered and
any unpleasant results come from it. we
ueu our CouSuitlH ActuOdry uTaW up paper
directin us to do it, and certifyin that it wuz
necessary for the proteckshun NV the policy
holders. This we hold in reserve so MS to be
pervided agin the impertinent and inquisitiye
enquiries NV ignorant people. who don't know
wat is strickly necessary in these matters
1t is troo. we each drink up our quart every
day, but eff any trouble shood grow out NV it,
we kin pint, triumphantly to the Lar in witch
it wuz. But notbin NV that sort will happen.
The main bari is all that we hev to keep in site,
aud that put up so high that none NV EN- kin
see in the bung, and never kin tell how much
there is in it.
One. man did Want to know suthin about it,
but assoomed hawty look.
"Sir!' sed ''the reportuv the Directory viii
make its appearance in doc time, when the
bari will be guaged, and the quantity in it de.
cared. This is all, sir. that we kin say about
it,
Everything looks beautiful. New members
are comm in every day, and none Nv EN- are
droppin out. We officers take our salaries
promptly, and our commissions likewise. and
the contributors ask no questions.
This Canteen Association was lucky
thought.
SAML. SHARKEY.