Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1873-06-05
Aumuruus department.
OBITUARY POETRY.


prietor of the Morning Glory, having observed
the disposition of persons who have been be-
reaved of their relatives to give expression to
their feelings in poetical form, reflected that
it might perhaps, be a good thing to intro
duce to his paper department of obituary
poetry.
So Mr.. Brimmer determined that he would,
as an experiment, at any rate, engage an obit-
uary poet for short time, with the purpose
to give him permanent employment, if the
plan seemed to take with the public. Accor-
dinghy, he sent for Mr. Remington OFT, COM
poser Of verses.
"You understand, Mr.. Off," explained Mr..
Brimmer, "that when the death of an individ-
ual is announced, / want you, as it were, to
cheer the afflicted family with the resources
ofyour noble art. wish you to throw your
self, you may say, into the situation, and to
give them a verse or two about the corpse
which will seem to be the expression of the
emotion of the hearts of the living"
"To tighten the gloom, in a certain sense"
said Mr. OFT.
"Precisely; tighten the gloom. Do not
mourn over the departed; but rather take
Joyous view of death, which, after all, Mr..
OFT, is as it were, but the entrance to bet
ter life. Therefore, I would advise you to
touch the heart-strings of the afflicted with
tender hand, and endeavor, for instance, to
divert their minds from the tomb"
"Refrain from dependency, suppose, and
lift their thoughts to"
"Just so and at the same time combine
elevating sentiment with such practical infor-
nation as you can obtain from the advertise
n ,1o or fnr
over the commonplace details OF the every
day life of the deceased
"Ill throw off stanzas," said Mr.. OFT, Gin
such manner that people will want their
friends to die for the sake of the poetry"
'..But above all, continued the editor, stake
bright view of the matter always. Make
the sunshine of smiles break through the tenn
pest of tears, and if we don't make the Morn-
ing Glory hum around among the mourners
of this town, my name is not Brimmer."
He was right; it did hum. The next day
Remington OFT was put on duty, and Brim-
mer went down to the sea-shore for a breath
of fresh air. All through the day death no.
tices came pouring in, and when one would
reach OFT he would seize it and study it up to
ascertain its particulars Then he would rush
up stairs, lock himself in his room, take down
hisrhyming dictionary, run his fingers through
his hair, and hack away half an hour at a
piece of paper until he considered that he had
poetry in such shape that would make a
stricken family feel proud of the corpse.
When his days work was done, OFT went
home with conviction that the Morning
Glory had finally robbed death of its terror,
and made life comparatively valueless.
tl,o ,,,or,;p~ M 0tt proooodod 90 1n,lv
to the office for the purpose of embalmng in
parted ones. As he came near to the estab-
lishment, he observed crowd Of 5000 or 5000
people in front of it, struggling to get in at
the door Climbing tree, he overlooked the
crowd, and could see within the office the
clerks selling papers as fast as they could
handle them, while the mob pushed and
iammed and yelled in frantic efforts to obtain
a copy-the presses in the cellar meanwhile
changing away like mad. While upon the
curb.stone in front of him there was line
that stretched down the street for four squares,
each man engaged in reading the paper with
an earnestness that Mr.. OFT had never before
seen displayed by the patrons of that sheet.
The bard concluded that either his poetry
had touched a sympathetic chord in the pop
ular heart, or that an appalling disaster had
occurred in some portion Of the globe. He
went around to the back of the office and as
cended to the editorial rooms. AS he ap-
preached the sanctum, loud voices were heard
within. Mr.. OFT determined to ascertain the
cause before entering the office. He obtained
chair, and placing it by the side door, he
mounted and pecped over the door through
the transom. There sat j. Alfred Brmmer,
holding the Mornu,g Glory in both hands,
while the fringe which grew in a semi-circle
around the edge of his bald head stood out
until he seemed to resemble a gigantic gun
swab Two or three persons stood in front Of
him in threatening attitudes. One of them
was saying:
"My name is McGlue. 1 am brother of the
late Alexander McGlue I picked up your
paper this morning, and perceived an outra-
geous insult to my deceased relative, and l
have come round to demand, sir, what you
mean by the following Infamous language:
s"rhc death angel smote Alexander Mc(ilue,
And gave him prOtracted repoSe;
He wore a checked shirt and number nine shoes,
And he had pink wart on his nose.
No doubt he is happier, dwelling in space,
Over there on the evergreen shore,
His friends are informed that his funeral takes
place,
Precisely at quarter past four.
This is simply diabolical! My brother
had no wart upon his nose. He had upon his
nose neither pink wart, nor green wart
nor creamcolored .wart, nor wart of any
other color. 1t is a slander. 1t is gratu-
itous insult to my family, and distinctly
want you to say what you mean by such
conduct"
"Realy, sir, said Brimmer, cit is a mistake.
This is the horrible work of an incendiary
whom trusted as brother He shall be
punished by my own hand for this outrage"
'.And who" said another man, "authorized
you to print this hideous stuff about my de-
ceased son?" Listen to this:
"wiie had purple monkey climbing on ayel-
low stick,
And when he sucked the paint all off, it made him
And in his latest hours, he clasped that monkey
in his hand,
And bid goodbye to earth, and went into better
land.
wooden gun;
And no more he'll twist the pussy S tail and make
her vowl for fun;
The pussy s tail now stands out straight, the gun
is laid aside,
The monkey doesn't jump around since little
Willie died.
q "The utterly attrocious character of this
balderdash will appear, when say that Will
liam was twenty years old; that he never
had a purple monkey on stick; that he
never sucked such thing; that he never
fooled with cats, and that he died of liver