The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1873-04-05

/ Dung lawyers III iochellc supetit"'o NJ
for soft soap when they wish to scour tHtH
Offices. Verify, these young limbs Of the law are
a sweet set-EI
II is useless for young lawyers to waste lhcli
time in what must prove futile experiments
They will find that no lawyer can do anything Oh
a mildcr stuff than ye.
The Dell Rapids Dakota Journa' is printed
after the following approved fashion, as cNpla'h
ed hv itself: These tough times We nave t.
keep an eye out for breakers. The editor sclS al
| the type makes up the forms, washes rollers
does al the prcsS-work, besides chopplng wno0
| for two stoves and doing chores for both once
and household. We 'hollcr in one OF the heI-h'
| hurs to roll.
And yet there are people who treat editors "a
| if they were bloatcd aristocrats.
A st. Louis lady thinks that the employment
Of female clerks quite destroys the romance oil
shopping.-EI.
Yes, but does it prevent romancinS in shops
Can the female tongue learn to clatter tbs; We
answer cmphatically She do.
4 Young man in Abba, Iowa, married one night
recently and trotted his own baby the next night
Funny.-Er,
We can't see anything SO remarkably funny IN
this itcm neither can the party of the first part
When YOU would Joke, don't drag in facts
A western semi-medical writer superfuously
warns the reporters Of the rural press against III
duging too freely in rich ylands-EI.
Reporters are a slandered class Of persons. Let
one of them be seen gnawing five year old
bologna and hunk of white oak bark and you'll
hear some one "yawp" about There's reporter
again
The Chicago Post thinks that young lady in
this state who is said to have Injured her health
by hard study must have been trying to read one
Of the COurisrJOuyndPs editorials. mat she sun
lives is the best evidence in the world That she
was not trying to read one OF the H0NS editorials
-lUirtr-J0urHd(.
If portuguese girls want husbands, il seems TO
US that they ought 10 marry Michiganders-Eh'
o fowl pun
The following however, is more cheerful, rela-
tive to that child-like amusement known as
worms
The crop Of maple sugar this season promises
to be large enough to please the most nissan
thropic worm that ever occupied boy
An exchange thus slyly enters its protest
against emotional insanity" popular with that
class lately sprung up in this country who are
so useful in keeping down the population:
A locksmith in Tyrol has immortazed himself
by inventlng a pistol which can be discharged
twenty-five times a minute, and Kill somebody
every time. None but a sane man can use 1t,
however; so there's no danger Of It's being adop-
ted by any but intelligent murdTers.
The Pittsheld chief Of police has received a
etter which asks him TO look for runaway man
who has a "black mustach about live fete and
EN- inches in hite, with velvet cote" IL ought !
rot TO be difficult to detect man carrying
nustache Of such extraordinary height, however !
much he may try to cover il with his velvet coat.
The following shows that the custom Of nam
NJ pet objects after great men, is not always Of
ny great advantage TO the pet so named:
An Ohio man attached medal 10 an eagles
eek and set him at liberty with much ceremony
n Washington's birthday. Two days later the
roud bird made descent on farmers sheep
en-, and his brief career was ANONYMOUSLY
-ought to close by charge Of buckshot.
An Illinois bridegroom in the first flush Of
cdded bliss, made magnificent gift to the
uincy Wig editor OF bottle Of whisky and a
ard and half Of bologna sausage. And he was
ore generous than some bridegrooms we have
The only objection TO the above presents, that
le editor ever could make on any satisfactory
lsis is, that there was an unreasonable quantity
sausaEt III plopoIt'pN W Ihc sCalIlt ui4o"ahNc
whisky.
An Iowa newspaper proprietor has trained a
rye bull-terrier for the position Of lighting
litOr.-EI.
The BpuJycan Of this city has no need Of such
n editor. 1t employs two editors, each assists
&c other.
The editors and publishers Of Maine newspa-
ers having met in convention at Augusta the
Their day The Portland Press ventures to affirm
lat there were gathered the very wisest and
lost vrtuous little crowd Of men, in the seediest
last years clothes, that ever met al the state
Apital"-EI.
Yes, and by all odds the most honest and
odest. Who ever heard Of an editor who was
OF the perfection Of honest Indulgence? 8
A La Crosse, Wis, girl has been turned out Of {
ouse and home for rubbing her checks against !
or sisters husbands beard when she wished to
ct up healthful glow for abal.-Er
We don't see why she should have lost her |
lace. Couldn't she keep the secret? Did it feel 5
, good that she had to hrag about it? Did the 5
lie pry into it, with the characteristic imper- s
nence Of jealous minded spouses? Perhaps,
hen rubbing as aforesaid, her lips inadvertently
OF eutangled in his moustache and then they Il
xplodeds II
Some women are more aGrctionate than others, I
Il for instance:
\ lovely, hut unfortunate woman, who, for
easons, did not reside with her husband, in
hartford, Com, recently sent him a little sou
'ehlr 10 soothe his solitude This token of aficc-
lon Is thus described: THE box was divided bv
= partition in the centre, and contained three
pounds Of gunpowdcr. The under side of the
over was spread with sand paper. and bearing s
against 1t were matches so arranged that as the
cover should slide il would pun the matches up .
with force and cause them to quite" This ami a.,
able c&skct was suspected at once, and the ma.
irons little plan TO become a widow frustrated d
A conductor on The New Haven and Northsmr. c
ton road while taking fares The other day was c
asked by an old gentleman, what do You do :
with all this ere money you get OF the pas.ep. a,
-ers a. don't have tickets" Put II in mv
pocket answered The good uatured conductor {
just what thought said the inquisitiyc yen.
leman returning TO his newsplper.-Er Is
And yet we maintain that there can be found
outside Of a pcnitentiary such ydJa aris as an
honest conductor--a lightning rod or an cave. |,
rough for instance.