Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1873-12-18
"a oLT.ALwAys IN ORDER. ="

VANTAGE of him. seThe best woman in
the world, sir" says Squills, 'but now
and then she will act mean, and she
can't help it"
Last Saturday at breakfast" said
squills, ''she was as smiling as a bundle
Of chips ..
'Are your chops done to your liking
Squills, dear?"
''Deliciously, my love-
Il broiIed them myself, dear"
81 knew it was going to be hot,
said Squills, ''and when got into the
hall to leave, Mrs. squiils was there
with my hat in one hand and my over
coat in the other.
"squills, dear" she began.
81 thought it time to pitch into her,
said Squills, $50 l said quietly"
allow much Mrs. Squills! Out with
it, my love.
"Mr. Squills," said she, "Don't he
humanity, sir, beg; not to say lidicu-
lous. Gussy wants a silk dress to go
to church in; the poor child isn't really
decent you are very sorry" well, SO
YOU ought to be. ''Let her say her
prayers at home" "No, Mr.. Sqaills, she
shan't STAY al home, and she shan't say
her prayers, and Mr.. Squills, you're
enough to aggravate saint, and you1
conduct is disgusting, and it's enough
to drive woman to bolt right off to
Chicago, and get divorce
81 thought this was good time to
fire off my pet joke, said SquilIs, $50
I said, Mrs. Squills, q bolt is always in
order. Then I bolted myself, for
Mrs. Squills cones of q fighting fami-
ly.
"When | went home at night, Gussy,
dear child, played all my pet Offenbach
music, end I knew ] was in for the
dress, only I wanted to hold out till
morning, Just for the looks of the
thing"
"For FIVE years after we were
married" said Squills, Mrs. S. would
persist III looking under the bed for a
man. It's the same man every woman
looks, for suppose because they all do
it. Well falling to find theman, Mrs.
SquiTs finally gave him up in disgust
and took to something else. 81 suppose
said Squills, ''they all take to something
else after they can't find the man under
the bed. Mrs. Squills weakness is in
boiling the door. Mr.. Squills, have
you bolted the door? is always the last
question at night
"This particular night, said Squills,
Mrs. S. was very dignitied and distant
"No famiiarities, Mrs. Squills, if you
please, you wounded my feelings in
their tenderest point this morning, and
1 cannot forget, though you did, that I
am your wife sir, and the mother OF
your children, Mr.. Squills,
This was pitching it uncommonly
strong, you know" said Sqnills, ''and l
was about to surrender, when Mrs. S.
turned off the gas, and then coiled her
self up in pet, somewhere on the out
side of the bed-rail Not even good
night, Squills. I felt pretty lad about
it, | can tell you, but | went to sleep.
I don't know long had slept, but some
time, when | experienced kick in the
back as if a playful mule had been fan
ming me. Perhaps it was necessary, as
I always sleep hard"
'Mr Squills, at last | heard Mrs. S
say, ''Mr Squills, have you bolted the
door,
''Now, leave it to any man." said
Squills, appealingly, "whether that is a
correct thing fora mother of family
to do? Of course, | got up and bolted
the internal door, and I said, Mrs.
Squills, why in the deuce didn't you
think of boiling the door before I went
to sleep, and not wake up man in the
middle Of cold night to do it And
what do you suppose her answer was?
"Why, Mr.. Squills," said she, i
thought bolt was always in order"
~ hat did I say What could say?
And the worst of ii all" said Squills,
'j-ll be hanged if she wasn't laughing
at me; ! could feel the bed shaking"
a Gentleman of MiddTetown, Con-
necticut having occasion to leave the
Brandeth House, in New York, at an
early hour to catch the New Haven
train, and hardly having time to order
an elaborate breakfast, thought he
would break his fast by heavy bite at
the first restaurant he came to. Enter
ing one Of those institutions on Broad
way, where speed and economy are the
features of the feast, he called for a
plate Of Indian cakes. Imagine his
surprise On hearing the waiter shout to
the cook, s:Modocs for one
The great legal phenomenon at Jack
son, Michigan, is . lawyer who clio
Quently defended in court. the other