The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-05-23
Putting Up q Stove.

Putting up a stove is not so difficult
in itself 1t is the pipe that raises
four-ffths of the mischief and all the
dust. You may take down a stove with
all the care in the world, and have your
wife put away the pipe in a secure place,
and yet that pipe won't come together
again rs it was before. You find this
out when you are standing ON a chair
with your arms full of pipe and your
mouth full of SCOT. Your wife is stand
ing on the floor in a position that en-
ables her to see you, the pipe, and the
chair, and here she gives utterance to
those remarks that are calculated to
hasten n man in to the extremes of in
sanity. Her dress is pinned over her
waist, and her hands rest on her hips.
She has got one of your hats on her head
and your linen coat ON her back, and
pair of your rUbbers on her feet There
Is about five cents worth of pot black on
her nose, and n lot of -four on her chin,
and altogether she IS a spectacle that
would inspire dead man with distrust.
And while yOu are up the trying to
circumvent the awful contrariness of the
pipe, and telling that you know some
fool has been mixing it, she stands safe
ly on the floor, and bombards you with
=
the use of swearing so ?" You know
no one has touched that pipe" "You
amt got any more patience than child. 8"
"Do be careful of that chair" And
then she goes off and reappears with an
armful of more pipe and before you are
aware of it she has got that pipe so
horribly mixed mp that it does seem no
two pieces are alike. You join the ends,
and work them to and fro, and take
them apart again and loOe at them. Then
you spread one out and jam the other
together, and mount them once more.
But il Is no go. YOu begin to think the
pieces are inspired with life, and ache
to kick them through the window But
she doesn't lose her patience. She goes
around with that awfUlly exasperating
rigging on, with a length of pipe under
each arm, and q long handled broom in
her hand, and says she don't see how it
Is some people never have any trouble
in putting up a stove. Then you miss
the hammer. You don't see it anywhere.
You stare into the pipe and along the
mantle, and down on the stove, and off
to the floor. Your wife watches YOU in
tently, and is finally thoughtful enough
to enquire what You are looking after,
and on learning, pulls the article from
her pocket. Then you feel as if you
could go out doors and swear a hole
twelve feet square through a block of
brick buildings, but she merely OBJ
serves; Why on earth don't You
speak when you want anything, and not
stare around like n dummy" When
that part of the pipe which goes through
the wall Is up, she keeps it up with her
broom while you are making the con-
nectiOn, and stares at it with an intensi.
ty that is entirely uncalled for. All the
while your position is becoming more
and more interesting. The pipe don't
go together, of course. The SCOT shakes
down into your eyes and mouth, the
sweet rolls down your face and tickles
your chin as it drops off, and it seems.
as If your arms are slowly but surely
drawing out of their pockets. Here
your wife comes 10 the rescue by inquir-
ing if you are going to be all day doing
nothing, and if you think her arms are
made of cast iron, and then the broom
slips off the pipe, Iand in her endeavor to
recover her hold she iabs you under the
chin with the handle, and the pipe
comes down on your head with its load
of fried shot, and then the chair tits for
ward enough to discharge your feet, and
you come down on the wrong end of
that chair with force that would bank
rupt pile driver. You don't touch
that stove again--DaH6UTU Nc1US.