Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1873-05-22

PUTTING ZIP A STOVE.PIPE.

Putting up stove is not so difficult IN 1t.
self. 1t is the pipe that raises four-hfths OF
the mischief and all the dust. You may take
down stove with all the care in the world,
and have your wife put away the pipe in
secure place, and yet that pipe won't come to-
gether again as it was before You find this
out when you are standing on chair with
your arms full of pipe and your mouth full of
SCOT. Your wife is standing on the floor in
position that enables her to see you, the pipe,
and the chair, and here she gives utterance to
those remarks that are calculated to hasten
man into the extremes of insanity. Her dress
is pinned over her waist, and her hands rest
on her hips She has got one of your hats on
her head, and your linen coat on her back,
and pair of your rubbers on her feet There
is about five cents worth Of potblack on her
nose, and a lot of -four on her chin, and alto
gether she is spectacle that would inspire
dead man with distrust. And while you are
up there trying to circumvent the awful con-
trariness of the pipe, and telling that you
know some fool has been mixing it, she stands
safely on the floor, and bombards you with
such domestic mottoes as "What's the use OF
swearing so ?" "You know no one has touched
that pipe" "You amt got any more patience
than child" "Do be careful of that chair"
And then she goes of, and reappears with an
armful of more pipe, and before you are aware
of it, she has got that pipe so horribly mixed
up that it does seem no two pieces are alike
You join the ends and work them to and
fro, and to and fro again, and then you take
them apart and look at them. Then you
spread one out and jam the other together,
and mount them once more. But it is no 60.
You begin to think the pieces are inspired
with life, and ache to kick them through the
window. But she doesn't lose her patience.
She goes around with that awfully exasper-
ating rigging on, with length of pipe under
each arm, and a long.handled broom in her
hands, and says she don't see how it is some
people never have any trouble putting up
stove. Then you miss the hammer. You
don't see it anywhere. You stare into the
pipe, along the mantel, and down on the
stove and of to the floor. Your wife watches
you, and is finally thoughtful enough to en-
quire what you are looking after, and on learn.
ing, pulls the article from her pocket. Then
you feel as if you could 60 out doors and
swear hole through block Of brick build
ings, but she merely observes, "Why on earth
don't you speak when you want anything, and
not stare round like dummy" When that
part of the pipe which goes through the wall
is up, she keeps it up with her broom, while
you are making the connection, and stares at
it with an intensity that is entirely uncalled
for. All the while your position is becoming
more interesting. The pipe don't 60 together,
of course. The SCOT shakes down into your
eyes and mouth, the sweat rolls down your
face and tickles your chin as it drops OF, and
it seems as if your arms are slowly but surely
drawing out of their sockets
Here your wife comes to the rescue by in.
quiring if you are going to be all day doing
nothing, and if you think her arms are made
of cast iron, and then the broom slips off the
pipe, and in her endeavor to recover her hold
she jobs you under the chin with the handle,
and the pipe comes down on your head with
its load of fried SCOT, and then the chair tilts
forward enough to discharge your feet, and
you come down on the wrong end OF that
chair with force that would bankrupt pile
driver. You don't touch that stove again.
You leave your wife examining the chair and
bemoaning its injuries, and 60 into the kitch-
en- and wash your skinned and bleeding hands
with yellow soap. Then you go down the
street after q man to do the business, and
your wife goes over to the neighbors with the
chair, and tells them about its injuries, and
drains the neighborhood dry of its sympathy
long before you get home.
Danbuy Conn., Nescs.