Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1873-08-08
DANBt RN WIT.

full llucination that he was MOdoc, buried
pi headed arrow into his fathers leg, Sat
urday, very much to the surprise Of that in
diyidual The old gentleman recovered sufi-
ciently, however, to impress this scion with
the belief that he had actually sat on lava
bed
\ Nelson Street woman threw her boys
pants up over clothes-horse, Saturday
night, to dry, and was very much surprised
to find herself pelted on the head with half
pound top, dozen ounce marbles, two lead
sinkers, fsh-line, glass agate, broken
cork-screw, three slate pencils, bone-han-
die jackniie, and handful of shot. She now
dries his pants on him.
\ Nelson Street man thought it would be
pleasant to have his wife make wax flowers.
lie said there were things to cultivate besides
the body, and that what We live for was not
bread alone. 80 he got her some mOulds,
couple hundred sheets of wax, and she went
to work. After while he commenced to
find some difficulty in drawing on his clothes,
and experienced wild sort of yexatious
trouble in getting a comb through his hair.
He didn mind this 80 much, but when he
walked around in his stocking feet, and
couldn't pull his boots on, and drew chair
into the air when he started TO rise from it,
he lost his interest in art. and kicked the en-
tire wax establishment into the street.
y man may lose friends, home, position,
fortune. They are different from an umbrella
lie may lose them he is sure to lose that.
But he keeps on buying or borrowing them
If he borrows one, some one borrows It, and
returns it to the wrong man without know
ing it. II he buys one, some one steals it
outright and he has to borrow another from
another source to make it good. We don't
understand it. Nine out Of every ten men
who to-day possess umbrellas are not the own
ers Of them. Heaven only knows where the
ownersare. Perhaps they are dead-perhau~i in
exile, and perhaps, which is more Likely,
they are under other umbrellas. People
will borrow umbrellas when they won't bor-
row anything else They will borrow it as
long as there is bit Of cloth or rib t. it.
They will borrow the stick if the slide i in
it. While it bears the rem0test resemblance
of an umbrella they viii borrow it and
keep it. We never Vet saw an umbrella 50
reduced but that some one would take il in.
The only time an umbrella is really iuyalu-
able l. when You want it, and that is the eX-
act time it fails to appear. When the sun
l. shining brightly and the dust Is five inches
thick on "A level, an umbrella becomes one of
the most repulsiye objects in Christendom.
On such occasions it meets YOU on every
turn You shut door and down it comes
and spreads out and trips YOU up. lou haul
down your linen coat from the closet and find
something Is holding il. 1t is that umbrel-
Ia. You move the flour-barrel to look for
rat and out comes that miserable umbrella
and scrapes your shin. ltraI- you ou the
head ON the stairway, and trips YOU up in
the hall, and falls down ON your head from
the carret, and when il amt doing anything
else it stands gp in the corner and wrings it.
hands and -wears at society.
IN afflicted Brookfeld woman borrowed
marbie-top bureau to Use at funeral
1t Is a little singular that in all the weeks
we were out Of rain no one was thoughtful
enough to take his roof of for repairs.
1t looked like rain all day sunday. bat
people went TO church without umbrellas in
hope TO tempt Providence. Their trust was
beautiful but it didn't work.
One of the most desirable sights in this
life is young man with pair of rabberS on
his feet, and oil-skin hat cover in his pocket,
and an umbrella under his arm singing,
Rocked in the cradle Of the deep
At the depot Monday evening. an eager
looking man jumped from the tnnand grasp
ell a waiting woman in his arms. '.llcaven~
my wife. said he ''Mercy my rullle~,
said she. Which showed what both were
thinking Of.
The editor Of Tie Mars ha. received Sc
yeral orders for the new book, Life in Dam
bury lie wishes to inform these people that
[ the publishers. Shepard * Gil. of Boston.
and their agents, sell the book Beyond
humbly admiring it. he has nothing 10 do
with the book now that it Is printed. lie Is
| but a simple child of nature returned Cal
/ iiornnn, aS it We're.
You can always tell boy whose mother
cuts his hair. Not because the edges of it
/ look as if it had been chewed oil by an absent
minded horse. but You tel it hy the way he
I stops on the street and wrisslc- his shoulders
/ When fond mother has to cut her hoy's
/ hair. she is careful to guard against any an
novance and muss by laying sheet ON the
carpet Ii has never vet occurred to her to
/ sit him over hare floor and put the sheet
around hi- neck Then She draws the front
IsllE over ll- anu ltANs~ II tiltAt Nll4lN
/ she cuts that which Is at the back the hair
which lies over his eye- appears to be sur
/ charged with electric needles, and that which
is silently dropping down under his shirt
band appears to be on fire She has uncon-
Sciously continued to push his head forward
until his nose presses his breast. and i too
/ huSilv engaged to notice the snuifing sound
that is becoming alarmingly frequent. In
/ the meantime he is seized with an irresistible
desire to blow his nose, but recollects that
/ his handkerchief is in the other room. Then
a fiy lights on his nose. and does it 50 unex-
| pectedly that he inyoluntarily dodses, and
/ catches the points of the shears in his left
ear At this he commences to cry and wish
/ he was man. Bat his mother doesn't no.
tice him. She merely hits him on the other
ear. to inspire him with confidence, and goe>
on with the work. When she is through she
holds his jacket collar back from hi, neck.
and with her mouth blows the short bits of
hair from the top Of his head down his back
lie calls her attention to this fact. but she
looks for new place on his head and hits
him there. and asks him why he didn't use
his handkerchief. Then he takes his awfuly
disfgured head to the mirror and looks at it,
and, young as he Is, shudders as he thinks of
what the boys on the street will Say.