Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1873-12-02
NUMBER 9.
"a Bolt ALWAYS in Order.
- 0UAV ~ =" :" J . ~ ON s~S@'
stSnuilIs - in Missouri Republican

SQuIlls," IN MISSOURI hepuDllcdH
Squills declares that his wife is always tax
irg some KIDD of mean ADVANTAGE OF him.
''The best woman in the world sir, says Squllls'
''but now and then she will act mean, and she
cant help it"
Last Saturday at breakfast" said Squills,
| ''she was as smiling as bundle of chips
Are your chops done to your liking, oqullis'
dear?'
''Deliciously, my love-
II broied them myself dear.
II knew it was going to be hot, said Squls,
''and when | got into the hall to leave, Mrs:
Squills was there with my hat in one hand and
my overcoat in the other"
"Squills, DEAR" she began.
II thought it time to pitch in here, said
Squills, so said quietly"
.How much Mrs. Squills? Out with it, my
love-"
"'M Mr.. Squills, said she, Don't be unman-
~, sir, | beg not to say ridiculous. Gussy
wants silk dress to go to church IN; the poor
child really isn't decent-'you are very sorry,
well, SO you ought to be- Let her say her pray
ers at home. No Mr. Squills she shan t stay
at home, and she shan't say her prayers, and
Mr.. Squllls, you re enough to aggravate saint,
and your conduct is disgusting. and 1t enough
to drive woman to bolt right eff to Chicago,
and get divorce F"
81 thought this was good time to fire off
my pet joke said Squills, $50 said. Mrs.
Squis, a bolt is always In order. Then bolt
ed myself for Mrs. Squills comes of hghtlDg
family
when went home at night, Gussy, dear
child, played all my pet Offenbach music, and
| knew [ was in for the dress, only | wanted to
hold out till morning, just for the look OF the
thing
For five years after we were married, said
tOn
der the bed for a man. It's the same man ev-
all do it. Well failing to find the man. Mrs.
Squills finally gave him up in disgust and took
to something else" II suppose. said Squills,
''they all take to something else after they can't
fnd the man under the bed. Mrs. Squills weak
ness is.in bolting the door. Mr. -Squills, have
you boted the door? is always the last thing at
night
This particular night" said squills, Mrs.
s. was very dignifed and distant. No famil-
iarities, Mr.. Squills, if yCu please, you wound
ed my feelings in their tenderest point this
morning, and cannot forget, though you did,
that am your wife sir, and the mother ofyour
children, Mr. Squils.
This was pitching it uncommonly strong,
you know" said Squils, ''and was about to
surrender. when Mrs. Squills turned off the
gas, aud then coiled herself up in pet. some
where on the outside bed-rail. Not even good
night. Squills. felt pretty bad about it, | can
tell you, but went to sleep. | don't know
how long [ had slept. but some time, when l
experienced kick IN the back as if playful
mule had been flaming me. Perhaps it was
necessary, as always sleep hard
MIR. Squills,' at last | heard Mrs. S. say,
"Mr. Squlils have you bolted the door?
NOW leave it to any man, said Squills,
appeaiDgy whether that is correct thing
for the mother of family to do? Of course |
got up and bolted the internal door, and | said,
Mrs Squis, why the deuce didn't you think
of boiling the door before went to sleep, and
not wake uD man in ihe middle Of cold night
to do it? And what do you suppose her an
swer was?
why. Mr. Squills said she, I thought
bolt was always in order. !"
what did say? What could | say? And
the worst of it all, said Squills, IN be hang
ed if she wasn't laughing at me /; could feel
tie bed shaking"