Vermont watchman and State journal. [volume] (Montpelier, Vt.) 1836-1883, 1873-11-26

HtttnntSnnnn.
Sparks and SpIinters.

Sparks and Splinters.
--Condiment for late dinners ketch.up.
An oyster lives placid life until he gets
into a stew.
When is baby not aby2-When
it's a tea-thing.
"A young lady, who does not manage
her bis with much skill, wants to know If
there is a he in love. There is, generally.
"A French writer describes young
lady as creature that ceases TO hiss a
gentleman at twelve, aud begins again at
twenty.
In a letter to a friend, Springfield
young lady states that she is not engaged,
but she secs cloud about as large as a
mans hand.
"A Waterbury man has christencd his
daughter Glycerine. lie says it will be
easy to prefix Nitro" if her temper re-.
sembles her mothers.
"A man rode in the same railway car.
rage with bridal couple City miles, aud
heard her call him " dear Charles Just
FIVE hundred and eighteen times
That Troy baby with four teeth ia its
nose is nowhere beside Chicago man, who
had ten teeth in his nose the other day.
They belonged to another man, too
A country editor, waxing eloquent ia
the description Of a new organ, says. The
swell died away in delicious sudocatiou,
like one singing a sweet song under the
bedclothes."
Priest" Now tell me. Doolan, truth.
fully, how often do you 90 to the chapel2"
Pat" Will, now, shurc DILL till yer river
encc the trur. Fax, | 90 as often as [
can avoidr
"A sharp Toledo girl said to a gentle.
man to whom she had just been introduced,
that he would be very presentable if the
Lord hadn't turned up so much Of his legs
to make feet Of
lightning recently struck a telegraph
pole, and ran along the wire into the office
at Coatsville, Indiana, when the operator,
seated at the instrument, cxciiedly tele.
graphed back, "Don't send so fast :"
English tourist having arrived at
Greenock 90 Sunday mornnp) --" My man,
what's your charge for rowing me across the
Firth p Boatman-" Well sir, was jisi
thinkin Gamma break the Sawbuth day for
no less than fifteen shull'ns ~
-Squires Lady: And how has your
brother Jack been behaving lately, Sllly?'
Thank zee, my lady, &c baint bin no wuss,
&c are read the good book as you sent i'm
and bin twice to Sunday-schoo, and it don't
seem to have done him no particular arm
at present"
Somebody writes to us, and wants us
to give a definition of journalist. We
will do so with pleasure. A journalist is a
man who spends some of the best days Of
his life in comforting regulations upon 9th
ers and getting none hr,sef Exchange.
please opy-Arcadiaa
Scene in a dry-goods store: Lady
" How much for this PRINT" Geutlemanly
and obiging clerk" Nine cents, num-
Lady Nineteen cents I'll give eigh
teen" Clerk" Nipe cents mum; you
misunderstood me- Lady oh! nine
cents I'll give you eight"
Two bootblacks were passing up the
street, few evenings since, when one ac.
costed the other with 4" | say, Jack, + r.
you I'd be ashamed of myself, picking up
old secondhand chaws terbacker!" Tend
to Jour own business" retorted Jack,
guess this is good enough to learn on"
A rat lately started bank in Martins
burg, West Virginia, cabbaging his cur
rency from a barkeeper's money.drawer
When a run was made on the bank do you
suppose the rat suspended? No, sir I he
quietly absconded, leaving sufficient asset.
to pay fifty per cent. Of his Indebtedness.
"A gentleman seated in the stalls Of a
theatre who was afflicted with remarkably
long ears, overheard the jocuar remarks o.
: a neighborng young man to another, which
we're far too loudly expressed. The proprie
tor ofthe ears turned round thereat sharply
and said 4" 1t is true my ears are large in
deed for man, but yours are very small
indeed for an ass"
When an editor once allows himself t
express an opinion on the weather, no on,
can tell where be will end The Courier,
Journal man sat down, the other day, tC
say that it was warm for the season, and
this is the way he began: " October ha,
caught the tip end Of Lady Augusts pan
nier as she was leaving her summer house
and like an inpatient lover, insists upor
promeuadng with her while in the pleas
ant sunshine"
-" You hev heern, gentlemen of the
jury" said an eloquent advocate -" you hey
heern the witness swar he saw the prisoner
raise his gun you hev beern him swar he
saw the fash and heerd the report; you he's
! heern him swar he saw the dog fall dead
you hev heern him swar he dug the bullet
out with his jack-knife, aud you hcv seen
the bullet produced in court but whar
gentlemen, whar, ask you, is the mau
who saw the bullet hit that dog ?"
An absent minded smoker named
Yancy, undertook to whisper something of
importance in the ear of old Mr. Reynolds,
Saturday, but IN his absent mindedness neg.
ected to remove his cigar, the fire end of
which was driven right into the old gentle
mans ear. Mr.. Reynolds jumped straight
up 10 the air about six feet, and on coming
down split Yancy's nose by well directed
blow Yancy picked himself up and started
for home, declaring, in rage, that he'd be
hanged before he'd tell old Reynolds what
be was going to.-DGnJury.
Rev. DR.. Davis tells the following ex-
citing story "a lady sat at primitive
Methodist chapel close to a poor man who
was remarkable i'll shod, and whose excla.
nations were 10 inverse proportion to his
shoe leather. He kept crying out, Glory
to God ! until he quite annoyed her and
on leaving the chapel the lady told him
such was the case, promising him new
pair Of boots if he would restrain himself
within due bounds. lie did SO for several
days; but afterward some particularly ex-
citing cause occurred, and he started up 10
chapel, shouting out, Boots or no boots,
glory be to Godr"