The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1873-12-05
SHARP SCIssORINGs.

u A paper mill-a fight between
! rival journals.
Some people have their thinking
like their washing, done out.
Z A bookseller advertises seal
poets, two dollars and fifty cents
each.''
Athens, Ga, has n paper named
Cat, with the motto 81 can scratch .
The best remedy for mercantile
troubles liberal use of printer
ink.
| Very naturally the National
Police Convention in st. Louis ar
rested General Attention.
| In too many lamentable lnstan-
ces, the ''last scene of all this
strange, eventful history" is =
kerosene.
Out in Montana when they start
a man down hill in q barrel, they
speak of his appearance in new
role"
/ "Broom handles-two car loads
/ (82, 00O) just received, and for
sale at depot" Another warning
TO husbands.
Mummies do not look as though
they were in hurry, yet it is GER
tain that at first they must have
been pressed for time.
The "Sugar-Bowp' is the old
name of a paper published in Lou
isiana, and the bold publisher has
just begun a second volume.
There may may be (rare) oc-
casions when it is proper to use
slang; for instance, to say that
'sgoing" is "from the word ego"
A Rhode Island jury we're five
days debating on hog case in
volving seven dollars, and then
recommended both men to- the
mercy of the court.
A Missouri clergyman fees for
marrying fourteen couples amour
ted to fifty pounds of dried apples
and a due bill for eighteen bush
els of buckwheat.
1t is told of Hercules, god of
real force, that, "whether he stood
or walked, or sat, or whatever
thing he did, he conquered."-I
Getting on in the world.
An unstamped letter was de
posted in an Indian postoffice last
week, and beneath the address was
the Endorsement, 'Let her slide, |
P. NJ, she's all hunk, inside air
one of them post hole keerds.'
An Irishman has defined moth
ing to be ga footless stocking with
out legs" A description by an
other Emeralder is better. 'What
is nothingP' he was asked. "Shut
your eyes, and you'll see it," said
Pat.
An agreeable and versatile local
says: Cedar River is in a anguish
ing condition. 1t is very low and
confined to its bed. The catfish
get aground, and have to be help
ed off the sand-bars by the good
natured boys"
An Indiana town has the fol-
lowing dog ordinance: "Dogs
that are not collared and labeled,
no matter how respectfully con-
nected, will have their narratives
one inch south of their
ears"
A colored preacher down South
baptized forty of his congregation
one Sabbath, and charged them a
dollar apiece. Receiving pay but
from two of the crowd, he remark
ed that he "wan't gwine to muss
himself up for two dollars"
According to Beecher, ''the
cheapest thing on earth is a mean
man. A faithful dog dies and is
missed; q good and stately horse
dies and he is missed; the emigra-
ton of the birds in autumn is q
source of sadness to US, but mean
men die and few tears fall"
A Maine woman ate four quarts
of oysters at one sitting, the other
day, and won one hundred dollars
by so doing, which, after deduct
ing her burial expenses, eighty
five dollars, left her fifteen dollars
to commence the next world with.
Prisoner to learned magistrate)
any one a right to commit
a nuisanceY Learned magistrate.
mo, sir, not even the mayor-no,
sir, not even the governor" Pris-
oner. "Then you can't commit me;
for was arrested as a nuisance,
and you've decided that am one"
A New Jersey paper chronicles
that the apple-trees are blooming
at Bordentown." If those blooms
come to be early apples, say
about Christmas-time, Bordentown
will be town worth boardin' in.
Also, if there are many boys
about, the orchards will need
boardin' in.
When an enthusiastic editor de-
cribes bride as bonny, and an
envious compos;tor sets her up as
bony, as was done at Jacksonville
the other day, hope for season
bids the world farewell, and free
dom shrieks as the compositor
falls at his form, Drained by the
brother of the blooming bride.
William Arp says: "Pd tax
man nuthin on an incun of thous-
an dollars and under. I'd tax 10
per ct. on all between 5 and 10
thousan; twenty per ct. on all be-
tween 10 and 90 thousan, and so
on, doublin up to so thousan.
Above that, I'd take it all, every
dollar. tell you that will git EN-.
sEx-Secretary Boutwell, lectured
at Chicago on Saturday night on
finances and the panic. In the
course of his lecture, referring to
Cubsn matters, he deplored the
idea of war, counsolled modera-
ton, and urged that our sympa-
thies and moral aid ought to be
given TO Spain in her efforts to
establish a Republic.
A petition signed by all the
members of the bar of Chicago,
and Q large number of prominent
business men, has been sent to
Washington, asking President