Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1873-08-29
HUMOR.

AN AWKWARD Occasion. The most
awkward occasion in young woman's ca
reer, says Bilkins, is when she returns from
the wedding trip, and for the first tine in
vites her friends to breakfast in her own
house. She feels that all eyes are upon
her, and that inquiring minds are busy sift-
ing the sweet mysteries of her new life. In
the tumult of her emotions she pours the
hot water in the sugar bowl ,sweetens John s
coffee with salt, scalps the butter with the
sleeve of her morning gown, waters the
toast from the waste bowl, burns her fingers
against the coffee urn, gets red in the face,
and finally, unless she is female Of cast.
iron resolution, bursts into food of tears,
which all the pangs Of several days accumu.
lated hunger are impotent to assauge.
BLUNDERs An amusing blunder re-
Gently occurred in the town clerks Office at
Wheeling, W. Va. A blushing maiden of
forty summers entered and asked, with a
voice trembling with agitation, for license.
The clerk took the name and address OF the
visitor. Name and address of the other
party 2 asked the clerk Faithful, and he
lives with me, replied the fair one The
clerk looked at her for a moment, and
blushingly completed the filling Of the doc
ument, which he handed to the lady, She
gave one glance at the license, hoarscly
whispered Monster = and swept majestically
out of the Office. The clerk had presented
her with a marriage license, when it was a
dog license she wanted.
. Mrs. Darlington nov says You
shouldn't be so glutinous, Isaac, as with an
anxious expression she remarked the strong,
conclusive effort that young gent was ma
king to bolt the last quarter Of a pie
you shouldn't be SO glutinous, dear
You must be very careful, or you will gel
something in your elemental canal or sar
cophagus one of these days that will kill
you, Isaac
When country editor is exhausted for
news, he puts in a paragraph telling how
some beautiful ladies have called on him
and cheered his toilsome path with sweet
flowers. Then his contemporaries revile him,
and be answers back, and business becomes
brisk again Thus are our Greeleys and
Raymonds arc trained.
The use of tobacco should certaily be
taught in the public schools. It has bees
proved SO many times over and over again
thatit is not onl y not injurious but positiv:.
ly healthy, that its use should not be u Z.
leeted.
Time is money to lovers at Trenton =
A livery stable man, whose carelessueys
and hardness prevented John Harris from
getting into the country to see bis girl
Sunday night. was made to heal John S
heart with $12.
An exchange says that the first thing a
young man does when he ees friend with
new hat on, is to take it off and serenely
try it on his own head. But when young
lady sees an acquaintance with new bon
net, she just elevates her nose and wonders
where the thing got that fright
When crowd Of jaybawkers started q
disturbance in Texas church the other day,
the preacher raised up shot gun and said !:
WIN. Dello, sit down, or I will make it
painful for YOU William sat down and
was as quiet as lamb.
There is a good deal of sound wisdom in
the suggestion of the farmer: IF you want
your boy to stay at home, don't bear too
hard on the grindstone when he turns the
crank
st. Paul has curious police Justice -
He recently fined woman three dollars for
disturbing the peace by wailing over her
husbands broken leg.
A Kansas paper claims that subscriptions
ought to come pouring in because it is pub.
lished only three miles from where the
Bender tradegy was committed
An Iowa Justice Of lhe Peace refused TO
fine man for kissing girl against her will,
on the ground that she could have bitten
him but did not,
When chap marries a Texas widow,
he delicately mentions his good luck by in.
serting in the marriage notice that the we'd
ding took place at the brides beautiful
home
A bangor woman got angry with direc-
tory canvasser because that young gentle
man would not take the name of her six
months old baby.
Persons desirious Of learning the size of
shoes worn by lady friend should praise
the foot of some other woman.
A dashing widow says she thinks of su-
ing some gentleman for breach Of promise,
in order the world may know she is in the
market
Josh Billings says that a red herring will
keep man dry better than an umbrella.
California has no last rose of summer
they bloom till fall.
The paper with the largest circulation just
now is the fig paper.
The pace of New Orleans funerals aver.
ages twelve miles an heur.