Iowa voter. [volume] (Knoxville, Iowa) 1867-1874, 1873-11-20
My First Paper Collar.

IdpeI cOlldTS are well enough uDucT-
stood now, and the addition of cloth-lin-
ing has worked a wonderful improvement
in the article. The boy who tries his first
collar in this day has none of the trials
or apprehensions of the boy of ten or fif-
teen years ago. We remember with un-
pleasant distinctness the first paper collar
we ever wore. 1t was surprise party.
A half hour after the advent of ourself
and the other surprisers we were located
in the parlor On a mohair chair. And
they were very fresh and vigorous
mohairs, too. 1t was our intention to
have got in a corner, but we missed the
aim, and got located within eighteen
inches of the stove. 1t was a large stove,
with complicated mass of perpendicular
sheet-iron pipes, like an organ, only it
was warmer than an organ. The stove
set out from the wall, and our location
gave us prominence that would have
been very grateful had we been back of a
store looking for lemons, but being diff
fident person, and having a strong desire
to crawl under the carpet and be out of
sight, the prominence put Il blight on our
spirits that we found impossible to shake
Off 1t was quite cold out doors, but the
room being full of people, and some
thoughtful person having closed the door,
the temperature commenced to density
with extraordinary rapidity. All OF the
party sat around the sides of the room,
and in such way as to take in the stove
and ourself A dreadful silence sat upon
all, disturbed only occasionally by brief
whisper of one friend to another, which
undoubtedly referred to our proximity to
the stove and the weird solemnity OF our
expression, which we desperately but
vainly strove to remedy. We essayed
once or twice to look into the faces of the
company, but thought better of it, and
picking out place in the wall where the
paper had been torn off, fell to studying it
with all absorbing interest. The perspir-
alton stood out on our forehead in great
DROPS. and, having stood there till they
got tired, the drops silently rolled down
our face. We would have got out a
handkerchief, but we cherished the hope
that some one in the party was not look
ing at us, and dreaded to make any move
ment for fear of attracting his attention.
Then the bergamot and sweet oil with
which we had generously fed our locks,
with view to intoxicating the senses OF
the females in attendance, commenced to
ooze forth, and start down the back OF
our neck for fresh pastures. 1t was at
this juncture, the heat Of the stove hav.
ing become unbearable, that the lady OF
the house inquired if the stove was not
too warm for the gentlemen. 1t was our
purpose to protest that we never before
were so comfortably situated, but the ROOT
Of our mouth having dried and cracked
open, the words must have got lost in the
crevices. But we smiled-such smile,
perhaps, as a sick man would exchange
with an undertaken who had called in to
ask after his health. 1t was at this point
that we became conscious of our paper
collar. 1t was pressing against the back
of our neck with the ardor OF mustard
draft. and one end had broke from the
| button and was soaring majestically
heavenward. We could feel 1t crumble
and fall down ON both sides, and every
| time we put our hands up, which we be-
| gan to do quite often on account Oh the
| cold thrill it gave us, we found 1t spotted
| with the vitality of that collar. The
| other people commenced to whisper, ana
look up at the ceiling, and put their hand
| kerchiefs in their mouths. We thought
| of killing every one of them on the spot,
| and hiding their bleeding remains In The
cellar; but we lacked the GOODNESS neces.
sary for such an undertaking, on account
| of that internal stove, and so gave 1T up,
and kept on smiling 10 show our calm.
ness Suddenly, when in the midst OF
what was probably most maniacal sneer
| the collar parted at the back, and one SIDE
dropped down TO the floor, and the other
| swung around to the front. A shrek oil
| Laughter burst from the company, ana we
boIted for home.-Danbury Neaos