Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1873-02-07

The fellow who got 'tbree sheets in the
wind" will 60 to housekeeping as soon as
he gets the fourth.
II live by my pen," said poet, wishing
to impress young lady. ''You look as If
you lived in one," was the reply.
What is the worst article in the market
to speculate in ? Do you give it up? Tea,
of course, because it is always sure to 60 to
pot.
Mother, here is grammatical error il
the Bible" 'Kill it kill it it is the very
thing that has been eating the leaves and
book. mark ~
A Suggestion. 1t is suggested that in
building railroads the rails should be heated
red hot, so that the workmen will lay them
down rapidly.
When people are sworn into court of
Justice they kiss the outside Of the book,
doubtless because they consider an oath
binding" matter.
"Wby should we celebrate Washington's
birthday more than than mine p asked
teacher. because be never told lie y
shouted little boy.
81 now pronounce you man and-hand
over the ten dollars before I go any fur
ther," is a way Connecticut clergymen have
Of securing their fee.
St. Louis is rather proud Of young man
who stole the Bibles from three churches
aud sold them to get Christmas bonnet for
his poor old mother.
Dobbs mentions that the young poet who
went about signing for San angel in the
house," got married recently, and now he
signs more than ever.
A youth with turn for figures had five
eggs to boil, and being told to give them
three minutes each, boiled them a quarter
of an hour altogether.
Men are frequently like tea, the real
strength and goodness are not properly
drawn out of them until they have been for
a short time in hot water.
Americans read more newspapers thaa
any other people, but do not read more books.
Probably because the average newspaper is
better than the average book.
A man stole ride on the top of an Ex-
press car from New Haven to Hartford the
other night. When be gets new pair Of
ears perhaps he will try it again.
A boy in Iowa was recently compelled to
kill his father because the old man told him
to behave himself. The imrupence Of these
fathers is becoming insufferable.
They have a petrifed woman in Philadel-
phia. She was petrifed with establishment
at her husbands bringing her home new
dress which she had not asked for
The indianapolis police have reading
room to get into in bad weather. The night
force could sleep better if the locomotives
didn't keep up such an internal racket
There is ouly one paper 10 Illinois that
did not thrill the world with the announce
ment that s'the old year is Dead" and that
one said, Tomorrow the old year dies"
A country paper in Minnesota wants to
know who swindled the Indians out of such
an internal cold country as Minnesota is,
and who deluded the white people into it,
A Western paper itamizes briefly, thus
"Mrs. John Baggs, Of Omaha, has left Mr.
John Baggs, taking the money bags and
leaving John to hold the little empty
Bags"
The bravest man yet discovered is a fel-
low who heard noise in the cellar, and,
carefully avoiding disturbing his wife, crept
on the roof with a pistol, and remained
there all night.
The Jacksonville Journal states that
blooming, blushing schoolgirl called at that
Office the other day and inquired for ''pa-
pers for week back" The idea suggested
was that she wanted them for panDier.
Another, in the delicate, pungent West
ern style: "Ten million dollars is the sum
that S. n Pike was unable to take with
him. We have not heard whether any ev.
dence of insanity exists in the shape of a
will"
One Of the editors of the Cincinnati En-.
quirer recently saved tbs cook of canal
boat from drowning, and has received let
ter from the girls father, saying: you've
saved the gal, she's your'n." No cards. So
says floating paragraph.
A lady made a complaint to Frederick
the Great, King of Prussia. ''Your Maj
esty," said she, "my husband treats me
badly" "That's none Of my business" re-
piled the kin. but he speaks i'll of you"
"That," replied be sis none of your bust
ness"
In San Francisco court the other day,
little dialogue ran thus: Counsel to wit
ness, You say you were at his house eve
ry night? Eyes, sir" "Were you his
partuerY' "No" What we're you doing
at his house every night p Il was spark
ing bis wifs's sister,
A Boston gentleman who could not waltz
offered young lady $500 if she would al.
low him to hug her just as much as the man
did who had just waltzed with her 1t was
q good offer, and showed that money was no
object to him, but they put him out.of the
house SO hard that his eyes were quite black
The Titusville "Press" says: 'One of
our city confectioners wishes us to inform
his juvenile patrons that be cannot give
thirty days time on five cents worth of
chewing gum, but he will take first mort.
gage on skates and hand.sleds from parties
whose parents are on substantial basis :"
That was not bad reply given recently
at barn-raising in Pennsy lvania to young
man who had been relating his more than
wonderful exploits in various quarters of the
globe. At the close of one of these nara
fives. he was not little set back by the re-