Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-07-31
Mark Twain Goes After the Shah.

Mark Twain Goes After the Shah.
In letter to the New York Herald, I'm.
der date of London, June IS, Mark Twain
writes as follows:
Would you like to 60 over to Bel
GUM and help bring the Shah to En-.
gland ?"
said was willing.
VERY well, then; here is an order from
the Admiralty which will admit you on
board Her Majestys ship Lively, now ly-
ing at Ostend, and you can return in her
day after to morrow"
That was all That was the end of it
Without stopping to think, | had in a
manner taken upon myself to bring the
Shah OF Persia to England. l could not
otherwise regard the conversation | had
just held with the London representative
of the New York Herald. The amount of
discomfort endured for the next two or
three hours cannot be set down in words
l could not eat, sleep, talk, smoke with
any satisfaction. The more thought the
thing over the more oppressed l felt
What was the Shah to me that should
go to all this worry and trouble on his &C,
count Where was there the least occa-
sion for taking upon myself such respon.
slblllty? If got him over all right, we'll
But if | lost him? IF he died on nv
hands? If he got drowned? 1t was de
pressing any way looked at it. In the
end, | said to myself, "If | get this Shah
over here safe and sound will never take
charge of another one" And yet, at the
same time, | kept thinking, "This coun-
| try has treated me well, stranger as | am,
| and this foreigner is the country's guest
that IS enough; l will help him out; |
Will fetch him over; I will land him in
London, and say to the British people,
Here is your Shah; give me re-
ceipt'"
felt easy in my mind now, and was
about to go to bed, but something occur.
red to me. | took a cab and drove down
town and routed out that Herald represen
tative.
"Where is Belgium" said I.
where is Belgium? | never heard
such question:"
That doesn't make any difference tc
me. If | have got to fetch this Shah !
don't wish to 90 to the wrong place
Where is Belgium? Is it shilling fare
in cab? ?"
He explained that it was in foreign
parasitic first place have heard of lately
which body could not go to in cab for
shilling.
/ said | could not 90 alone because ]
could not speak foreign languages well
could not get up in time for the early
train without help, and could not find my
way. l said it was enough to have the
Shah on my hands; | did not wish to
have everything piled on me- Mr.. Blank
was then ordered to go with me. I was
not SO Ignorant as | appeared, but / do
like to have somebody along to talk to
when | 60 abroad. When l got home |
sat down and thought the thing all over.
L wanted to go into this enterprise under
standingly. What was the main thing9
That was the question. A little reflection
informed me. For two weeks the London
papers had sung just one continual song
toJust one continual tune, and the idea of It
all was "hOw to impress the Shah" These
papers had told AL about the st. Peters
burg SplendOrs, and had said at the end
that splendors would no longer answer
that England could not Guido Russia in that
respect therefore some other way of i'm
pressing the Shah must be cOntrived
And these papers had also told all about
the Shahstlc reception in Prussia and its
attendant military pageantry. England
could not improve on that sort of thing
she could not impress the Shah with sol
dlerS; something else must be tried And
so on. Column after column, page after
page OF agony about how to Empress the
Shah" At last they had hit upon happy
idea-a grand naval exhibition That was
it! A man brought up in Oriental seclu-
sion and simplicity; man who had never
seen anything but camels and such things,
could not help being surprised and de
Lighted with the strange novelty of ships.
The distress was at an end England
heaved great sigh Of relief; she knew at
last how to impress the Shah
My course was very plain now, after
that bit of reflection. Ali l had to do was
to go over to Belgium and impress the
Shah. failed to form any definite plan
as to the process, but | made up my mind
to manage it somehow. | said to myself:
Il will impress the Shah, or there shall
be a funeral that will be worth contem-
plating"
| went to bed then, but did not sleep a
great deal, for the responsibilities were
weighing pretty heavily upon me- At
six o'clock in the morning, Mr.. Blank
came and turned me out. was surprised
at this, and not gratified, for | detcst early
rising. | never like to say severe things,
but was a good deal tried this time. |
said | did not mind getting up moder-
ately early, but | hate to be called day
before yesterday.
He goes on to describe English scenery
and the voyage, and then gives what he
calls Ostend -tatious information.
Ostend is curious, comfortablelo look
ing, massively- built town, where the
people speak both the French and the
Flemish with exceeding f1uency, and yet
| could not understand them in either
tongue. But | will write the rest about
Ostend in tomorrow's letter.
We idled about this curious Ostend the
remainder of the afternoon and far into
the long -lived twilight, apparently to
amuse ourselves, but secretly | had a
ceeper motive. | wanted to see if there
was anything here that might Empress
the Shah" In the end [ was treasured
and content. If Ostend could impress
him, England could amaze the head clear
off his shoulders, and have marvels left
that not even the trunk could be indiffer-
ent to.
These citizens of Flanders-Flounders
| think they call them, though l feel sure
| have eaten creature of that name, or
seen it in an aquarium, or menagerie, or
In picture, or somewhere-are thrift
ty, industrious race, and are as CONNER
cially wise and farsighted as they were in
Edward the Thirds time, and as enduring
and patient under adversely as they were