Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1873-03-28
HUMOR.

Ah0o V~c . kVSe@ eAOuSh % 40shSA OSvoAS
pun which was made by student in one Of
our theological seminaries (and he was not
one of the brightest of the class, either,
when be asked, "Why is Professor -
the greatest revivalist of the age?" and on
all "giving it up" said. because at the
close Of every sermon there is great ava
kening.'"
The most original spelling we have ever
seen is the following. 1t beats phonetics
80 you be-a tub. 80 oh pea-a top.
Be 80-bat. See 80 cat. Pea 80-pat.
Are 80-rat. See oh ! double you-cow
See you be-cub. See a bee-cab Be
you double tea-butt. See double ell
call.
A timid resident of Edgefeld. Conn, be-
ing Unexpectedly called upon to address a
Sunday school, rose to his feet in some con-
fusion, and, after several desperate but val
attempts to say something appropriate,
hoarsely muttered. "Dear chilireu, never
fool with powder"
They attempted to kill a book agent in
Omaha last week. He was 70 bed, throwr
into the river, knocked off the cars, pitched
from high bridge into the river again, but
in two hours after came around with new
illustrated edition of the Bible, aud tried to
get the subscription of the leader OF the at
tackiig party.
The cold snap moves the Bloomington
Paragraph to give this advice: Marry a
warm.hearted girl, whether cold weather
Affects you or not. Warm hearted girls are
comfortable even in warm weather. and In
cold weather they are an absolute necessity
10 mans comfort.
A gentleman whose memory is not quite
80 good as it used to be, when he has any
thing particular to remember next morning
makes practice Of turning one Of the pic
turea in his bedroom with the face to the
wall. He finds it very amusing next day
trying to recollect what he turned it for.
A fond father recently wrote; 1T gen.
orally takes twenty years Of training to Grad.
icate the word nice from woman's vooab-
ulsry. The Falls Of Niagara, the Psalms
of David and the progress of the human
race were al nice to my eldest till she got
married"
A Kentucky paper contains report of
recent wedding, in which "the bride was
not particularly handsome, but her father
threw in seven mules, and the husband was
satisfied"
Under the head of "How we assist the
DEVIL" religious paper says: "We con-
sumo millions Of gallons Of distilled spirits,
yearly" The editorial "We" in this case
makes an awkward confession.
Doctor Casin, having heard the famous
Thos. Fuller repeat some verses on scold-
ing wife, was 80 delighted with them as to
ask COPY. "There is no necessity for
that" said Fuller, "as you have got the
original"
A rash carpet.bsgger, addressing COL
ored audience in South Carolina, the other
day, remarked; ''My friends and fellow.
citizens, my skin is white, but my heart is
~ black as the audience" ...
The Omaha "Bee" does not mean any
thing personal, but opines that if the Oma.
hs postmaster would resign "many persons
would feel less anxious about their money
letters.
A COW at Rome, Ca, lay down recently
and her tail froze to the ground. A South
ern paper, in giving pathetic account Of
the affair, says that when the COW got up
there was another snap.
Women are like horses-the gayer the
harness they have on, the better they feel.
We got this from an old bachelor who was
early crossed in love.
An Indian tribe 10 Wisconsin have or.
sanized brass band The exasperated
ueighboring settlers aigh for the good old
days Of the war whoop.
A wide awake grocer at Des Moines ad-
vertises that it is no use attending Ham
mond's convection calls until you have paid
your grocery bills.
A reporter Of the Poughkeepsie Eagle.
interviewed a winter menagerie and left
most OF his trowsers against the bars of the
cage occupied by q hyena.
The lowest thing Southerner says he
has reed lately in Northern journal, is the
thermometer racord.
A cynical bachelor, in speaking of ladies'
ball dresses, says: 'They wear but little,
but they wear that little long"
The superior ingenuity of the fair sex in
the matter Of Fall fashions is said to date
from tho Garden Of Eden.
Why we're Grecians the quickest ship
builders? Because. whenever Greek met
Greek, then came the tug Of war"
A Wisconsin editor offers bottle Of stom.
ach bitters as premium for every new sub,
scribsr to his paper.
A country newspaper speaking Of blind
fiddler, says: although he can't see he
can saw"
GAS moneys the root of all evil, if We
had the tree couldn't we get all the precious
stuff"
"You pesky varmint, you're gethn' too
smart, entirely that's what comes Of ssnd'
ing bows to macademies."
AMother don't you Wish you had the
''s .Why, Josh. you sarpens, what DO you
.9H