The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1873-08-16
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

Our Ottawa consiablcs are better looking than
,hat-death we mean. They were all elected
with special reference TO their good looks
There's Aug. Smith and Riordan, and Dick Daily
but it's of no use to 20 further!
4 sentimental editor says at is comforting to
know that one eye watches fondly Tor our com
ing, and looks brighter when we come" A con
Temporary is gricved to learn that his brother
Of the quill has wife with only one eye"
After Mr.. Casey had finished reading the De
clarationn on the Fourth, a man rose moved that
the speech be publisbed,a it was one OF the best
speeches he had ever "heern" in his lne.-Ioind
city Journal.
The Peoria Reyiep tells how two boys filed
their faher's pipe with gunpowdcr, and just after
the display of fireworks the old gentlemen called
up his class in dancing and kept time with a
halter strap.
\ couple Of strangers had "set-to' at the
depot Monday evening. The stranger whipped.
Deacon Smith, of The Cincinnati Gazette, car
ries an enormously heavy life insurance, and a
local paper says that when he goes fishing the
life insurance companies follow him with life
preseryers and sun umbrellas.
The Dcs Mones Register says
4 ten foot snake, with head like bushcl
~,
now the Young men and maidcns go swimming
in their mas wash tubs.
The Hcnncpin Record man is short on local
news. I'm his last issue he gives list OF those
down with the dysentery.
We could fiji column or two in that way.
4 Boston lover of the weed exhibits TO his
friends ball Of tin-foil weighing fourteen and
thrcc-Quarter pounds, which he says he has
saved in two years time from papers Of tobac-
co chewcd by hm-Er,
That dlrty-mouthcd party--forh his mouth must
be filthy after chewing so much Of the nasty
wecd-fails to state how much money he squan-
dcred on The stuff during that time.
When we want to fall dead in love with any
bcwitchng female, We shall endeayOr to lind an
affinity whocan gush as the famous Laura Cuppy
Smith does in the following:
"The lover Of my girEood now walks the
yiewless causeways of the air and inasmuch as
he was cultured, lofty-sOuCd and largchcartcd,
he doubtless loves and is beloved by many fair
and Quecnly woman in that land Of light and
and sOng;' yet he finds time to return to carth's
turbulent scene, and battle my toil-worn spirits
in the deep waters Of his passionate and intense
affection, and those chords in my nmost being
that first responded to his touch, remaining
mute in the presence Of all others, thrill and Vi
bratc Is Of yOrc, in an ecstasy 81 rapture when
swept by his spirit touch Which is blissful
but unsatisfactory.
"AsphyXia'd in Carlinville river is the sad
fate OF an old white goose, which fooshly went
70 drink few yards down stream from the spot
where Sniycly washed his socks over year ago. !
It's remains laid this morning below the bridge |
with ii, legs upward pointing to the Editorial |
room over the 7, o. saloon
Here is the worst one out;
Several passengers on the lover Mississippi.
were attracted by the alligatOrs haskin@ in the
sunshine. b" Are they amphbous, Captain -
"Amphibous, HI" answered the enthusiastic
officer, they'll eat hog minute
THE most thoroughly ventilated man in o.
wcgo," says q Kansas paper as horse thief
whom the boys followed around for awhile. He
has 70 buckshot holes in his lcf, breast and 2l in
his left arm
It is so delightful 10 20 TO picnic and stroll |
around until We are all broken out with prickly |
heat, and then lie down on the ground and get
grass in your ears, and wood ticks and spiders
all OYER you, and see some other fellow having
Jolly. good time with your girl. Those who en-
Joy picnic are those who have good time
DeHsGcrR'
Earl Granville was pressed to receive present
Of diamonds from the Persian Shah, but posi-
lively declined on the ground that his position
would not permit an acceptance OF the donation.
We're Grant Ia be asked what he thought Of such
unprecedented conduct on the part Of the Earl,
he would probably bc defined as the biggest
id (whick stands for diamondJ fool outs.
Lol@ Times.
The Boston GiDJe fears that foreigners some.
times find il hard to read our newspaper Ian
guagc, even with fair knowledge Of It's intrica.
cics What, for instance, could they make of the
following from western paper: "Thc Mayor
gdOotod up the church isle, swashaying and gy-
rating like a Chinese joss with the jim jams"
4 yeracious exchange states that u Phiadcl-
phia surgeon was called the other day to Il house
uptown TO amputate the leg of u woman. He is
a near sighted man and got into the wrong room
and calmly sawed oil the leg Of a servant woman
who was German, and had come over two DAYS
before, and who thought IL was one Of the Gus
toms of the country.
Give Us water or give MS DEATH" cries the
Denver Irjun,. Most western men would prefer
the former alternative.
The man must be crazy. Why call for water
when they have plenty Of whisky?
In Khya, when man owes debt and won't
pay il, he is hung and his worldly goods 90 to
thc government.
II such law were in force here, there would
De a death minute around Ottawa, and scarcely |
any one left 10 20 to the funeral.
The mean old curmudgcons who comprise the
Common Council of GAINESVILLE, o., have passed
IN ordinance prohibiting boys bathing in the
city rcvOir-Kh.
IT is wrong thus to deprive innocent youth Of
delightful means Of passing away time.
Here is anew one:
4 boarding house hcnd tells the story that in |
q recent thunder storm the warning OF the clc- |
ments was 50 awe-nspirng that the hair in Il !
dish Of butter in the pantry turned completely !
white during the night.
turcquttcd love ha, been called "thc tooth.
ache 81 the SOUL
And the trouble i, there is no way in which to
pun u.
Tie last one ON " Pat Is this:
Two men, di-puting about the pronunciation ,
81 the word either"-onc saying il was either, /
the other i.thcr-agrccd to refer the matter To- |
The first person they met, who happened to bc an
freshman, who coniOundcd both by declaring
its naythcr for its aythcr.'