River Falls journal. [volume] (River Falls, Pierce County, Wis.) 1872-2019, 1873-08-15
Humorous.

DECAY1NG-Rights of the travelling
public.
WHAT is the military definition Of
kiss Report at headquarters.
Perpendicular drinking Whiskey
straight.
A MAN is obliged to keep his word
when nobody will take it.
WHEN is a clock on the stairs danger
ous2 When it runs down.
WHEN is water most liable TO escaped
When it is only half-tide.
AN Indiana reporter tells of a case Il
poisoning by the use of corrosive
supplement.
Mrs. SMITH says her husband is like
tallow candle, because he always will
smoke when he is going out
DRtNKERs in this count can hardly
be called heathens, but still the great
idea with them is iug-or-nOt.
The Danbury News says "The use
of tobacco is disgusting habit. It
weakens the frame, benumbs the
faculties, and what is far worse, keeps
up the price.
WIDOWS who have promised their
husbands never to marry again on the
face of the earth, can go to the Nam
moth Cave and have the ceremony per-
formed.
WESTERN editors statement, ave
are at this moment uudet absolute des-
potistd, is attributed by his contefri-
pOraries to the fact that he is recently
married.
A MAN who fell into vat of boiling
lard and got out alive, says it was not
an unpleasant sensation after the first
movement, but he thought what
mighty queer shaped doughnut he
would make.
II may do to read sermons, but a
young lady was lately taken aback
when her swain got upon his knees
before her and read declaration of
love which he had nicely written of.
"WHAT was the result of the trial
that horse-stealer Z" asked Missou-
rian of his neighbor. "Oh, he was
left hanging in suspense, was the re-
ply.
A CHICAGO editor heard once the
words, "Sister, thou vast mild and
lovely" sung at the funeral of an old
lady who was known to have been
perfect vixen.
A GENTLEMAN coming into the room
of DIR Barton, told him that Mr.. Vowel
was dead. What" said he, "Vowel
dead Let us be thankful it was
neither II nor l."
"Who dat hit me2 Where's dat
lantern ~ were the ordinations of an
astonished Virginia darkey after be-
ing thrown something like a hundred
feet 10y a locomotive.
An Irishman in France, drinking
with some company who proposed the
toast, "The land we live in" Az,
with all my soul. my dear" said he,
here's poor ould Ireland"
In is little singular how much val
liable time a man will take up in study.
ing the postmark of a letter to see
where it comes from, when he can open
the letter aud find out at once.
UNFoUNDED As PERSIAN. The visit of
the Shah has sorely puzzled old Jolter,
| from Worcestershire. He was "bred
and born at Pershore an never ear tell
on i'm. Fun.
An enthusiastic African, who had
"spent de winter in Jamaky," found
il an earthly paradise. He said he
could "lie abed, and, putting his arms
out de windy, pick oranges, pine-ap
pies and Jamaky rum right off de
trees"
A GENTLEMAN observed TO another in
stall at the theater, "Look at that
painted old woman. Old and parched
as she is. they say that she can still
turn mems Leads" eyes, but the
other way, was the reply.
Az exquisitely dressed young gentle
man, after buying another seal to dan
gle about bis person, said to he jewell
Ter that he "would -ah, like to have
all, something engraved on it-ah, TO
denote what he wasl Certainly,
certainly said the tradesman. "I'll
put n cipher on it,"
A DECIDEDLY rough looking individ.
ual applied for license as teacher of n
school not far from Troy. "Do
you think you can manage school 2"
| inquired the examiner. Veil, I
CUES so, balu Tue appllcdub luHeIttI-
badly. elf I can't | kin knock the
spots out of the youngsters" The
vacancy still exists.
DRINKING clubs have been organized
/ i'm New Bedford. Members are admit
ted by tickets. aud upon which tickets,
purchased of the treasurer Of the club,
/ they obtain what drinks they may de-
sire. Each ticket, in one of the clubs
at least. is sold for n dollar. and one
side is marked by rules into twenty
squares. Whenever drink is taken a
hole is punched in one OF the squares,
and thus the account is kept
In certain town in Vermont several
instances have lately occurred where
husbands who have lost their wives
have married again within six TO twelve
weeks hence a good deal OF neighbour
hood gossip, particularly among some
Of these women who still live One
Of these, Mrs. b -, at quilting the
other day, said. = do hope | may be
spared till summer, for then NAV
have tombstones over my grave before
piy man gets iiedup dgair r.