Iowa voter. [volume] (Knoxville, Iowa) 1867-1874, 1873-06-26
ADVERTISING FOR A WIFE.


never go into society. / am shy with
men, and still more shy with women II
the presence of ladies, what few facultie!
l have been blessed with by nature, leave
me, and l am hOpelessly and helplessly
lost. The smile, the voice, the glance Of
one OF the fair sex, serves me as it die
NARROW, in Goldsmith's comedy; l can
neither look, speak, nor smile NV real
name is Timothy Truelove, but my friends
and acquaintance all call me Tim the
Shy, or Tim the Bashful; and this only
makes me the more shy and m ore bashful
Unless some fair one takes pity on me-
and does the counting, and pops the ques.
ton, and takes me to church and marries
me, l shall live in single blessedness and
go to the grave bachelor, in spite of
myself.
For the worst of it is, l want to be mar
ried. Nearly all the people l know are
married-have wives to share their joys
and increase them; to share their sorrows
and lessen them to console them in trou-
BILE, and to nurse them in sickness. Some
Of them have lovely children, to make
home all that is lovable, beautiful, mlrth-
full and happy. But live alone, with no
one to cheer or comfort me; would
rather have some one, even to plague me,
than endure this life of weary loneliness
and miserable solitude in the midst of a
busy and social world
Clubs are of no use to me. MY shyness
prevents me from enjoying them l
| haven't the faculty of conversation; | do
| not care tor billiards, hate bagatelle, abom-
mate cards, and cannot play at chess. l
am, in fact, really and generally a domes-
tic creature; fitted to make loving and
agreeable husband, if l could only get a
wife. But | can't
bordering over my lonely and desolate
state, | at last determined to make "a bold
stroke for wife" | would advertise.
did. al miM miserum! All, wretched
me! l did. gave not too fattering
description. Young, which | am, only
twenty.tour; tolerably good-looking
which | am; with good income, which
l have; but not mingling with society,
and, therefore, not brought into the com
pany of eligible parts, | had, notwith-
standing these advantages been compelled
to remain single Any young lady, of
similar condition and position, would find
this rare opportunity, as everything was
bona tide. added that was of good tenn
per, amiable disposition, courteous and
gentlemanly in my dcmeanOr, and should
make good husband. All of which is
true to the letter. as they say. | added that
cdrtes could be interchanged
Unhappy me! was overwhelmed with
replies. From the maiden of bashful
fifteen" to the "widow of fifty" and from
fair ones of all intermediate ages, they
came pouring in upon me, with offers that
might have tempted an anchorite to leave
his cave, and, if the law permitted, marry
them all. / was bewildered. One had
flaxen hair, light blue eyes, and rosy
cheeks, and an annuity of nine hundred
year. Another had raven tresses, was,
like Maud, tall and stately, although she
was only seventeen; had no fortune but
could sing, play, and dance well, and what
she lacked in money could make up i'm her
accomplishments. A third had been
compared, by her artist friends, to Guido's
Madonna, so she needn't say another word
about looks; in other respects she was all
the most eXigent and fastidious could de-
sire. A fourth was good-looking, but not
what might, by some, be called handsome;
but then, she was endowed with all the
virtues under the sun, and beauty is but
skin Deep" and handsome is that hand
some does" i threw that letter and carte
into the fire. A fifth-but why go on to
the crack o. doom? They were nearly all
of the same character, and all promised to
make the best wife under the sun, and all
were equally suitable to fill the vacant
place on my hearth. The number of
widows who replied was astonishing
Some pleaded their experience in making
a husband happy and home comfortable;
others to their fondness for quiet domes
tic enjoyment, and gently insinuated that
they were exactly suited to me in all re-
spects, if my advertisement was an exact
and truthful description of the advertiser
Some dwelt strongly on their skill in
managing house, and shrewd creatures
stated that they were excellent cooks
Some had children and some had none;
soon decided against the applicants with
"incumbrances," as these flowers of the
home are ungraciously designated by peo-
pie wanting office-keepcrs. After reject |
still remained too many for one man to
embar7us de ricltesses.
After much toll and much reflection, | |
selected three whose letters, in conjunc- |
ton with their caytes, seemed most eligi- |
BILE wrote to the addresses given, and
by return of post the answers came.
Meetings were appointed and devices
given NY WHICh VIC Suoulu h/tOO CNCN OtfLCT. |
One damsel fixed retired spot in Saint
James's Park. She would carry hand
kerchief in her left hand, one corner of
which should be tied with some mauve-
colored ribbon, and / was to wear came
liza in my coat. The happy moment ar
rived, and / was punctual but the lady
was there before me. Oh! the awful dis
of that interview! She had
told me she was young and handsome
she was neither. She had told me of her
refined taste, and she was dressed in the
most 0utrse manner possible. All the
;olors of the rainbow were reflected from
Ter person. She was the widow of de-
leased publican, and looked it, Her
proper place was behind bar, serving
gin and bitters to young cads and brain
ess swcls-and she had dared to answer
M advertisement! After very few
words, we coldly wished each other good
,ye, and never met again. The second
vas also failure, but the third was worse
I sealed my fate, but did not obtain me
wife. At first it promised well, but its
ssue was, for me, calamitous. l shrink
rom narrating the adventures, but the in
20 h,,, |