Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1873-11-08
MY FIRST PAPER COLLAR.
From the Danbury News.

Paper collars are We'll enough UNDERSTOOD
now, and the addition of cloth lining has worked
a wonderful improvement in the article. The
hov who tries his first collar 10 this day has
none of the trials or apprehension of the boy of
ten or fifteeD years ago. We remember with
unpleasant distiDctuess the.frst paper collar we
ever wore 1t was at a surprise party. A half
hour after the advent Of 0urself and the other
surprisers we were located 10 the parlor on a
mohair chair. And they were very fresh and
vigorous mohairs, too. 1t was our intention to
have got iu corner, but we missed the aim, aud
got located Within eighteen lnches OF the stove.
Il was large stove, with 8 complicated mass
of perpendicular sheet-iron pipes, like an organ,
onIy il was warmer than an organ. The stove,
set out from the wall, and our location gave US
a prominence that would have been very CRATE
ful had we been back of store looking for
lemons, but being difhdeut person, aud hav-
ing strong desire to crawl under the carpet,
and be out OF sight, the prominence put blight
on our spirits that we found impossible to
shake off, II was quite cold out doors, but the
room being full of people, and some thoughtful
person having closed the door, the temperature
commenced TO density with extraordinary ra-
pidity. All of the party sat around the sides
OF the room, and in such way as to take 10 the
stove aud ourset A dreadful silence sat upon
all, disturbed only occasionally by brief whis
per of one friend to another which undoubtedly
referred to our proximity to the stove, and the
weird solcmnlty OF our expression, which we
desperately but vainly strove to remedy. We
eS>aycd once or twice to look into the faces
Of the company, but thought better of 1t, aud
picking out a place on the wall where the paper
had been torn off, fell to studying it with all
absorbing interest The per>pira,iou stood out
on our forehead in great drops, aud having
stood there till they got tired the drops silent
Iy rolled down our face. We would have got
out handkerchief, but We cherished the hope
that some one 10 the party was not looking ut
US, and dreaded to make any movement for
fear Of attracting his attention. Then the ber
gamot and sweet oil with which we had gener
ously fed our locks, with view to intoxicating
the senses Of the females in attendance, com
menced to ooze forth and start down the back
iuncture, the heat of the stove having become
unbearable, that the lady of the house inquired
if the stove was not too warm for the gentle
man. 1t was our purpose to protest that We
never before was so comfortably situated, but
the roof of our mouth having dried and crack
ed open, the words must have got lost In the
crcvices But we smlled-such smile, per-
baps as sick man would exchange with an un-
derlaker who had called in TO ask after his
health. 1t was at this point we became con-
scious of our paper-collar. 1t was pressing
against the back of our neck with the ardor OF
mustard draft, and one end had broken from
the button and was soaring majesticay heaven
ward. We could feel it crumble and fall down
on both sides, and every time we put our hands
up, which we began to do quite often on ac-
count of the cold thrill it gave US, we found 1t
spotted with the vitality of that collar. The
other people commenced to whisper, and look
up at the ceiling, aud put their handkcrcbiefs
iu their mouths. We thought of killing every
one Of them on the spot, aud hiding their bleed
ing remains in the cellar but we lacked the
coouess necessary for such au undertaking, on
account of that Internal stove, and so gave it up
aud kept on smiling to show our calmness. Sud
denly, when in the midst Of what was proba-
bly, most maniacal leer. the collar parted III
the back, and one side dropped down to the
floor, and the other swung around to the front.
A shrek Of laughter burst from the company,
and We bolted tor home.