The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1873-07-22
THE FESTIVE FIJI.
It's Eyes, Its Appetite and It's Inquir-
Ing Turn OF Mind-How to Drive
The FrIsky Tormenfor.

Ib 1y Cos AS APpShtte ano Ats An4u
Ing Turn OF Mind-How to Drive
The FrIsky Tormenfor.
An exchange thus relieves its minC
on a seasouable subject: Whether tn,
fly was contemporaneous With the orig
inal monkey man, Darwin could tell
if be would. Our opinion ia that NJ
man monkey, or monkey man, polly
wog man, nor any other man, was evel
permitted on earth without his atten
dant fly. Whether flies disported them
selves in the paleozoicers, or came out
at the DRIFT formation. is of no conse
queuce. We have flies in abundance
now, and that is all-more--than We
care to know. There are many fami'
lies of flies; but the kind whereof We
now discourse is waggishly termed TIT
"horse fly." We view it as the "every
where fly." 1t is OF the sect insect. l
disports in the air, perambulates tn
earth and dies in the water. 1t has
head which is all cerebellum, which
accounts for its Unsuitable animal pro
pensities. Its body is shaped like
military shell. 1t has a miniature
trunk, on elephant principles-six legs
six ieet, two wings and several thous'
apds of eyes. Viewed by microscope
it is highly curious and interesting
but telescope view is far preferable.
Its principal occupation is looking
into matters OF things generally but /
prefers to do this particularly. Heuc'
its thousands OF eyes. 1t has an appe
tite Tor all devourabIe things. Hence
its trunk. 1t is of pertinacious habits
Hence its feet are on the suction prln'
ciple. Just what the fly is made for
why so many were made-whence they
come or whittier they go-ls mystery
How long they live no philosopher has
yet determined. They are more numer-
GUS than the sands ofs dozen seas, AM
cause more torment and more "shottec
dlscourses" than all other human attiI'
ctions. This is written under shadows
cast by clouds OF flies; and we speak oil
what we do know.
II to be cursed by flies was not IN the
primeval doom, we feel assured that
Adam and Eve went straight home from
Paradise into a swarm OF flies. Snakes
may be scared away or destroyed; but
flies never. Lions aud tigers, and other
fierce animals flee from the presence o'
man. Flies stick to him and follow
him to the ends, the middle. and the
sides OF the earth. There is sportive
manner they have, in alightlDg on one
forehead, and cheeks, and hands aud
nose, that Is not merely insulting; 1t is
positively iufuriatng. No srithmetical
rule ever yet laid down would estimate
the number Of whaugs and e1pletives
which have been drawn from the race
OF men by flies. 1t is narrowing 70 re-
fleet upon the amount Of sinful and un
holy condition OF the human mind
which has been directly provoked by
this supremest tormentor Of our race.
Even az we write, under the fiItu!
light OF the midnight kerosene, three
flies are perched upon the mouth of our
ink bottle, smelling and peering with
the evident purpose to know all about
it," But our design in these lucubra-
tons is purely benevolent; ingenuity
hss devised ways to keep the cold out,
and 10 keen il in, to exclude the heat
and to prevent its escape. But flies de-
nv human skill. They come and never
leave, until they are glaciated by the
frost. The ridiculous devices OF fly
paper, moIasses shingles, and other pu-
ny pretences. only prove the hopeless
ness OF all attempts to reduce the ny
multitudes. As we'll catch a barrel OF
berrings and talk OF thus extirpstlng
that finpy infnitlsm, as hope to escape
a billion of flies by destroying a pint
Of two o. them. Thy were never made
that man should subdue them. The
fly, alone, scorEs and de6es his domln-
ion.
But there is successful way OF clear
ing room OF flies for the nonce which
It is our benevolent purpose herein to
communicate. Thus - Procure two
large sheets. No washing is necessary.
Starch or otherwise s,iffen the sheets
thus procured stifly, SO that they will
give out q "crirky" sound, like unto
fair Julia's skirts. Take one sheet, thus
procured, and thus made stiff, in each
hand, after having put aside tables,
chairs and all other impediments to
free gymnastics and scrobatics; place
yourself at one end OF the room, COM
mence to whirl and thrash the stiffened
sheets about in your most vigorous
manner, steadily advancing 10 the fur
ther end OF the room; then wheel
quickly, and make your return march,
continuing your wbirling and thrash
ing OF the s;iffened sheets; aud thus
persevere. The alright which will
pervsde the breast Of every fly 10 that
room will rejoice your heart, stregthen
your arm, and inspire you with joyous
courage.
You will observe at your first wheel,
that as many flies have slipped to your
rear as were at frst in front. This
call for fresh wbirlipg and ,hrashing
will arouse your resolutions anew, and
continue TO do 80 "a the work in hand
progresses. Stick TO your endesyor, il
yo1 would triumph +; and il the door
had been open the meanwhile, and your
muscle is enduring, at the end Of half
an hour or 80 you will have the sstis-
faction to perceive that q dozen, or two
dozen, possibly, of the aforesaid fies
will have tired OF the sport and retired
to the adjoining premises. The re-
maiuiDg five thousand will evidently
be sorry when the fun lie over. This
is the best plan to drive fies ever
known-snd is not patented, though
palen:able.