The Osceola times., 1873-09-20
How to Tell Shoddy.

A voice" But how can you tell
'shoddy people, Mr.. Perklns?"
This way, my friends. When a
strange family arrives at our hotel
you must watch them closely. Di-
vinity puts up certain iniallible
signs to distinguish the ignoraEta and
vul gar from the children Of culture
and virtue.
i. IT the lady comes into the par
lor with diamond ring on the out
side Of her glove, it is safe to ask
her how much she gets a week.
W Hear, hearv and several ladies
put their hands under their paniers.) }
2. If Providence erects Il dyed
mustache over the mouth of man,
it is to show that he is a gambler
or a vulgarism. (Cheers, when two
Americus Club men, a gambler, or
four Plug-Uglics from Baltimore,
put their hands over their mus
taches.)
3. II, when that new family enter
or leave room, the gentlemen rush
ahead, leaving the ladies to follow,
there is something" shoddy" some
where.
4. If the man presents the ladies
to the gentlemen, instead of vice
versa, and they all shake hands on
a first introduction, then you may
know they hail from Oil City.
D. If, when they go to dinner,
they do nothing but loudly order
the walters around, and talk about
wine, you can make up your mind
that they are the first walters they
have ever had and the only wine
they ever drank. Ifthey pick their
teeth at the table, or take out their
teeth and rinse them in the tumb-
Ter, Ga voice, Shoot 'em on the
spot ")-yes, my friends, | say that
to their teeth.
6. If, when the gentleman sits in
the parlor talking to lady, he don't
sit up straight, but sprawls all over
the sofa, puts the soles of his boots
on the lady's dress, on the furniture,
or wipes his shoes on his own white
linen pantaloons, you'd better re-
fuse an introduction TO him. Gap.
plause, when eight young fellows
who sat with their legs radating
like the wings of a windmill, or
sprawling one foot cross-legged in
the empty air, whirled themselves
right side up.)
7. If the ladies in that party
white-wash Their aces, redden their
lips, black their eyebrows, or bronze
or yellow their hair, just you think
this is another sign which Provi-
dence puts up so you can shun them.
Enamel and dyed halr are social bea-
con lights to enable you to keep
away from such people, for they are
wolves in Sleeps clothing.
Voice from young lady" But
we want to look beautiful, Mr..
Perkins"
But this will not make you beau
tiful, my children. Any sweetheart
who is so shallow as to take white
wash for the human skin, or rouge
for the rose-chceks of nature, is too
much of a sap-head to make good
husband, and if he is smart enough
to see through your deception, why
he will surely leave you in disgust.
applause by the gentleman, while
several ladies wiped their faces with
their pocket handkcrchiefs.)
s. If, when this family get into
their carriage to ride to the lake,
the young ladies appear in gaudy
colors, throw over their laps a
bright yellow and red or blue af-
CHAN, and the coachman wears q
gold hat-band and a sprawl-tailcd
yellow livery, with velvet collar,
and holds brass-bespangled horses
by white relns, you may know that
the owner keeps livery stable,
and that this is his first carriage.
(Voice-"1Iit 'em again, Eli.") No,
my friends, I've said out.-M Per-
kins, ia the Graphic.