The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1873-05-24
VARIETY.

WISE DEcIsIOS.-A Florida temperance society
has decided that egg-nog is not a beverage"
1t is said that iron is a good tonic for debili-
tated young ladies. That may be so but iron
ing is a better one.
\ Disguised Danburian wants to know, if
woman was designed 70 be the equal Of man.
why it is she can't whistle.
A philosopher who married a vulgar but ami
able girl, used to call his wife brown sugar, be-
cause he said, she was sweet but unrefned.
The inmate Of a boarding house in Hoboken
describes the programme Of his breakfast as
bells, tangled Out Of tune, and hash"
1t was North Carolinian, who, in speaking of
the extreme leanness of his neighbOrs' hogs, said
that he had TO put overcOats on them to enable
them to make q shadow in the sun.
A Justice at Vernon, Iowa, wound up q mar
rage by saying, "And 1 now send you to the
county Jail for thirty days" He was thinking
Of another case.
y young lady recently, on being requested 10
sing - The Maiden-s Prayer, - Immediately favor
ed Rockford audience with " Mother May 90
out to Swim"
y German in Buffalo fell into a beer vat the
other day and was drowned. He drank as hard
as he could 10 himself, and would have sue
ceeded had not floating cork choked him.
Why is a man who makes additions to a false
rumor like who has confidence in all that is
told him? Because he relies on all that he
hears
A mountain settler in Tennessee learned for
the first time the other day that Dave Crockett
was dead, and he sat down on a log and cried
like child.
They have a judge in Kansas who fined law
yer for saying sic transit The official thought it
was swearing, and remarked Indignantly that no
body should " sick I" him in that court.
III
received telegram, requesting him to a. look out
for runaway having black mOustache five feet
ten inches IN height with q velvet coat"
A quarrelsome couple were discussing the sub
Ject of epitaphs and tOmbstones and the husband
said - My dear, what kind of stone do you
suppose they will give me when / die?' 80 Brim-
stone, my love " was the afectiOnate reply.
What a glorious thing it would be if all wo-
men were rich. Now there is that rich Ohio
woman, who cheerfuIly pays her little $50 fine
every time she feels like beating the unfortunate
man she calls husband.
An Albany man refused to ride to the grave
with his mOther-in-law on the occasion Of his
wile's funeral, for the reason that the whole
pleasure Of the occasion would be destroyed by
sueh an arrangement.
"Do you like to 90 to church - said lady
TO Mrs Partington- a. Law me, do,'' replied
Mrs P % Nothing does me much good as TO
get up early on Sunday morning, and go to church
and hear a populOus minister dispense with the
Gospel"
A sorrowing friend, writing of the death of an
estImable lady, said: " She has gone to her
eternal rest" His dismay can only be family
imagined when upon proof" of his obituary
notice being sent TO him. be read, - She has gone
90 her eternal roast"
\ Missouri woman said she gave a railroad
conductor ten dollar bill ; he said it was two ;
she insisted; be persisted: she took out a re-
yolver aud snapped it, and he gave her the eight
dollars balance, not wishing to have any dispute
with lady
Western women think that people are growing
over-fussy nOw-a-days. If 4 man dies, and two
or three grains Of strychnine, or half pound of
arsenic, or ounce so of antimouy be found
in his stomach, his poor wife has TO 90 of to
prison, and 60 through trial. and see her name
IN the newspapers, and be acquitted, and neglect
her sewing until she has not thing ft to wear.
From mis- youth up had Alonzo Tyner, of Nor
ristOwn, Ind. been the companion of Florence
johnson; they played in the same fragrant mud
puddle and for her he rent his trousers in shin
ming up the unfriendly shag-bark to lay at her
feet It's treasures, and she consented TO be his,
but he married another. Stern justice gives her
$500, plaster Of just one quarter the size she
sought
A country minister Of Z" limited capacity re-
Gently married for q second wife widow Of some
property. Being an ardent servant of Mammon,
q former neighhOr asked him If he did not do
well by the second marriage. " Oh yes, indeed, -
he said, with animation and then, express
sion of reverent awe stole into his face. he added
" and what Is very remarkable, the clothes Of my
wife's first husband just it me-"