The Camden journal. [volume] (Camden, S.C.) 1866-1891, 1873-01-02
An Essay on Doctors.

SutcAt ~ ioi IuS u"StSi an i'S"0,
going for him. I've been aching to go fo
the doctor long time so here goes.
There are great many kinds Of doctors
big doctors and small doctors, old schoo
doctors, and doctors Of the new school, anc
doctors without any schooling whatever
There are doctors of luws, and doctors oi
sons-in-laws; ear doctors, and doctors difficult
to get the ear of; tooth doctors, nail doctors
and doctors who 60 at you with tooth and
nail eye doctors, and |. o. U. doctors
electic Doctors electric doctors, and doctor:
not of the elect, who 60 it mostly on tick.
. Thus we have cold-water doctors, and doc
tors who ''straw" it good deal oot.doctors
and doctors wl,bss motto is "Root hog; OF
dieP
Spiritual doctors, and doctors very much
out ofspirits; magnetic doctors, and doctors
who haven't any magnetism in them-or
much else, on .lay-on of hands doctors, and
doctors who will take anything they can lay
their hands on, except, perhaps their own
physio.
Sweat doctors are numerous. If they
don't sweat their patients, their patient some
times make them sweat. And there are few
doctors who are not compelled to sweat
around a good deal to get their pay.
Among Indian doctors are the full-bred,
half bred, corn-bred, and doctors never bred
at all--at least not bred to mcdicine-the
latter class being far the most numerous. AS
a general thing, Indian doctors, as they call
know nothing whatever about
Indians; manay of them never saw one. But
that Is nothing strange in medicine. Men
have practiced medicine all their lives with
out enjoying the slightest acquaintance with
it.
Herb doctors are popularity supposed to
spend large portion of their time in mean
dering through the fields culling herbs
Of the sort. Lots Of them wouldn't
know catnip from "penny-rile" if they saw
them growing. They Gull their herbs at the
druggists.
There are lung doctors with very little
lungs, although tolerable livers. Doctors
are good livers as general thing.
The throat doctor appears in variety Of
forms not strictly recognized in medicine
The hangman is the most thorough throat
doctor we have. His remedy structure
of hemp-rarely fails to cure the most obsti-
nate throat difficulty. Few persons have
ever been heard to complain of their throat
after the first application.
Bar-keepers are another variety of these
DOCTORS whose mixtures, also, are 200 familiar
to many people. Gold water is the safest
thing for Mc throat asan artIppi,cariuIIs.
Pepper doctors were quite popular soma
years ago They don't pepper so much as
they did,, though many doctors are peppery
enough.
Mustard doctors are in the army for the
most part, unless they are mustered out.
Cancer doctors arc almost as numerous as
cancers themselves Every cancer doctor
exhibits so many cancers he has taken out
that I have sometimes wondered if they
didn't take it out in cancers. | was once
shown tumor 50 large asked the doctor if
space was valuable, why he didn't stick his
patient away in a glass jar, and let the tu-
NOR walk around.
Corn doctors should not be overlooked
Some Of them are very skillful in taking off
a corn. A corn doctor took off corn for
me once, and he took it off so far, it was
nearly week before it got back again.
No man who hasn't horse sense has any
business trying to be a horse doctor, altho'
he may get a diploma to doctor men. Even
the constitution of horse may be broken
down by unskilful treatment, yet in selecting
q physician for ourselves, We occasionally
forget that. The horse doctor sometimes
gets more kicks than coppers, though he is
one of the few privileged persons who is ex-
cused for looking gift horse in the mouth.
The healthiest town ever knew was out
in Illinois, one summer, when the doctors
went east to attend medical convention,
neglectmg to return for several months. The
doctors found, when they did get back, that
their patients had all recovered, the drug
stores had busted, nurses had opened dan
cling schools, the cemetery was cut up into
building lots, the undertaken had gone to
making 6ddlcs, and the village hearse had
been gaudily painted and sold for circus
wagon.
Although have metaphorically gone for
the doctoes, let nothing I've said be con.
strued as rejecting upon them as Il class -
They arc good humorcd, and can, therefore,
take a joke. and for the most part, are chart
table and humane | have a good many
friends among the doctors, yet they are the
very last men | want TO call on.
&" Fat COatfjnOr."
\ young parson Of the l'niycralist faith,
many wears since. when the Simon pure Uni
vcrsalism was preached started westward tc
attend a convention of his brethren in the
faith He took the precaution to carry
phial of Cayenne in his pocket, to sprinkle
his food with as preventive of fever ant
apue The convention met, and at dinner ;