The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-05-09
HUMOROUS.

| 81 don't remember ever having seen
yOu before" as the lawyer said TO his
conscience.
| The manufacture ol Portland ce-
ment is about TO be commenced, on an
extensive scale, in Baltimore.
Fame is like a shaved pig with a
CREASED tail, and it is only after IL has
| slipped through the hands of some
thousands that some fellows, by good
luck, hold on to it.
"A clairvoyant trio, two women and
a man, have been travelling in the South,
pretending TO cure epizootic by the
| t'layinp on of hands" They practiced
on a mule in Kentucky, the other day,
and the firm has since dissolved.
"A Michigan clergyman wrote TO
| lottery agent 81 do not approve Of
! lotteries. / regard them as no better
than gambling schemes. My son
bought ticket No. in your drawing,
but if it draws any thing don't send the
money TO him-send IL TO me- The
clergyman will probably feel relieved
TO learn that the ticket didn't draw any
thing.
"A Gallowstown lady recently re-
ouested her husband to go TO the dress
|
had changed her mind, and would have
the watered silk made up instead Of the
popIin. and that "if she thinks il would
look better with bias founces, without
puffinp. and box-plaited below the equa-
tor. which should be gathered in hem
stitched gudgeons up and down the
seams. with a gusset-stitch between, she
can make it up that way, instead of
fiuting the bobinet insertion and piece
ing out with point applique, as / sug-
gested yesterday" The man is now
raving maniac.
Thirty wears ago a man entered the
city of New York in an almost penniless
condition, and without a single ao-
auaintance in the great wilderness of
houses. To-day his name is known
wherever humanity brsathes. It is
spoken. in every city, and is as familiar
to the worker in the mine as 20 his
brother in the mills, and wherever
language is known and ideas are ex-
pressed the name of this penniless, un-
known and uncouth lad of thirty years
ago is uttered. It was John Smith.
There is one thing that no family
pretends TO do without. That is ham
mer. And yet there is nothing that
goes TO make up the equipment Of a do
nestle establishment that causes one
half as much agony and profanity as
hammer. 1t is always an old hammer,
with handle that is inclined TO silver,
and always bound TO slip. The face Is
as round as the full moon and as smooth
as glass. When it strikes n nail full
and square, which il has been known 10
do, the act will be found TO result from
a combination of pure accidents. The
family hammer is one of those rare ar
ticles we never profit by. When il
glides off a nail-head, and mashes
down n couple of fingers, we unhesitat-
ingly deposit IL in the yard, and observe
that we will never use IL again. But
the blood has hardly dried on the rag
before we are outdoors in search OF
that hammer and ready 10 make anoth-
or trial. The result rarely varies, but
we never profit by it. The awful weap-
on goes on knocking of our nails, and
mashing whole joints, and slipping OF
the handle to the confusion Of mantle
ornaments, and cutting up an assort-
ment of astounding and unfortunate
antics without let or hinderance. And
vet weput up with IL, and put the han
die on again, and lay il away where It
won't get lost, and do up our mutilated
and smarting fingers, and yet If the
outrageous thing should happen 10 get
lost we kick up a regular hullabaloo
until il is found again Talk about the
tyranizing influence Of a bad habit IL
is not to be compared TO the family