davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Orangeburg news. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, 1873-11-29
The Dutchman and his FrOw.

'My frow vos no better as she ort to
be till shust before she diet; then she
was so good as before, remark ed Mr..
Vanderhoard to his ncighbor.
Your wife was an amiable woman and
you do great injustice to her memory
said Mr. Plugglns.
'Vel vat you know so much about
mine frow p
Twas not intimately acquainted with
her, but | am sure that all her acquain
tances loved her.
'Vot right had they to love her f?
Maybe
Maybe what 2
Maybe you loved mine frow, too?
Why do you speak SO strangely.
IVY Won day a pig man shusc like you
came to our house and kissed mine trow
right before her face
Were you present ut the timer
'To be sure | vos.'
We'll, what didyou do?'
4 kicked him right pehind hi,
pack
Did he resent it p
'law; he broke me and te looking
glass, and all the rest of the crockery in
tc house, 'cept the ieddcr ped into
smash p
What did you do then?
'lhen | cried mug,er murtcr mur
ter aud called for the shudse, and
the shury, and the police officer aud the
constable to come; and hc run away?
'Do you intend to charge me With
taking such unwarrantabe liberties
with the companion Of your bosom 2
Me no scharge for it now, because
she pc tcad and buried
i will not allow you to make such
lnSlauations. You are an old tyrant
and everybody said you was glad yo ur
wifo d;od.'
Everybody pc ono tam liar
i saw no $, mptums of sorrow
Me Ielt more worsht tan if my best
COW had died
Your COW. What comparison -
he was II great l"st a heavy lost
Tor she vas pig as dat Spreading ont
his arms. and she weighed more than
two hundred pounds
Look out, old man, or you will see
trouble. | doubt if your wife was ever
kissed by any man after your marriage.
AtalI events, you must apologize for
what you have said of me-
Vat is apologisc?'
You must beg my pardon, and say
YOU are sorry; if yun do not | will enter
complaint against you and have you
arrested
i pc sorry, temp
Sorry for what 2
Sorry you kissed mine frow.'
You incorrigibe idiot That is not
what you must say l never did such a
thing in my life
Must | say pc sorry that you never
do such a ting?'
no you must tax back what you
said
While the Dutchman was in this di-
lemma, his friend, Hans Mambcrger,
came along, and finally succeeded in
reconciing the parties, when the trio
adjourned to neighborisg coffee.
house.
The Orangeburg news. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, 1873-11-29

The Boston tailors have adopted D
horrible expedient. They thretteH TO
publish the names Of those "besta'I ehD
buy clothes and won't pay for them. If
all the cities and all the traders of the
country would adopt some means
compelling men to pay their honest
debts, and spend no money but that
which actually belonged to them, pauics
would only be heard of by cable. ia
The Orangeburg news. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, 1873-11-29

A Texas editor proposes TO plaesall
the banks in the country inoths middle
of the Attakapas prairies and th6tl blow
them up with gunpowdsr. He isefths
opinion that he can regulate the Ginah6s,d
of the country by this action ina s6tisI
factory manner. His proposision iS aboaEi
as sensible as the average Of tkoss aah-
mitted by the country press. i'agoi ssvs4
The Orangeburg news. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, 1873-11-29

A New York paper thinks tllAseliS
Americans live up to or above thsiroiu
come as general thing. Hence, q Eseas
deal of the present distress. Nine saB Of
every ten since the war have scqaired
their means rapidly, and, therefore,
spend them just as rapidly. Few have
slowly accumulated. Fewer still ara ai6y-
ing By something for a rainy day. pa
The Orangeburg news. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, 1873-11-29
Some New Definitions.

remarkable account OF what took place
at the recent splendid exhibition Of
Lee High School III Greensboro Ca
when class of sprouts, three feet high
and in prodigious standing collars was
called to show what its very dangerous
ly precau ions members knew about par
sing:
GRAMMLR SCHOOL EXTRAORDINARY.
Teacher-Parse man
Pupil-Aian is common nouu of the
feminine gender
Teacher--W hat is that, sir?
Pupil-Man is common noun,
feminine gender cause he
can be bought cheap; and feminine gen
der cause he's always got women on the
brain: Sth person, cause his wife akd
SIX children comes first; is it the objec
tive case and governed By woman.
Tcacher-Go to your seat and put
wet cloth on your head
Teacher : Next, parse woman
Pupil-W Woman is female noun of
the masculine gender.
Teachcr-Mercy on us what did you
say, sir?
Pupil-She's a female noun Of The
masculine gender masculin C. cause she
wears the breechaloons, and is dctcrmin
ed to vote; $hcSs compounded of cotton,
whalcbone, starch, smiles, sunshine and
thunder -clouds--is in the first person,
cause she is always the person speaking
plural number cause she makes more
noise than a half dozen parrots---is in
tho objective case and governed by the
fashions
Ieachcr-Sit down and rinse your
mouth with prophy ylactic fluid.
Teacher--Next, parse buy
= Pupil--Boy is an Uncommon noun Of
TIC spElin .seudsr and .go.nolu pelsus-
sien.
Tcacher-Thuudcr ard black jacks
VI hats that. sir
Tupl-Boy is an uncommon noun Of
the gOsiu gender and female persua
sion; uncommon, cause he's hard to find
no" days, gos.in gender, cause he
soon enters the threshold Of gooschooi;
tcruale persuasion, cause he's always
got the heart sick about some female;
fast person, big Ike; singular number.
cause there's nobody but himself; in the
objective case and gnvcroed 10y his EN-
bryo moustache, Scheidnm Schnapps,
ard the length Of his daddy purse.
Toachcr-Go home, sir, and bathe
your feet in mustard.
Teachcr-Payse girl.
Iupil- Girl is an angelic noun of the
"recian bend gender, and with mascu
line tendencies.
Teachor-Go home, sir, and tell your
mother she wants you.
Teacher--Next, parse baby.
NP' DaoO 10 "peCuIIaT mum Ol
the sroilt gender, cause it is allowed to
put its foot in the gravy whenever it
pleases; grows at a rapid rate; it is in
the objective case and governed by eau
dy and sugar p!ums.
Teacher-Go home, sir, aud tell your
mother to rock you to sleep.
Teacber--Parse matrimony
Pupi!-Matrimony is an anchiont
noun defunct gender.
Teacher lear him You little vaga
bond, what do you say
Pupil-Matrimony is oftho dcfunct
gender, cause its played out Girls
area plentiful MS black berries, but
they We got nothing. Matrimony is com
pounded of the words mate and money
but when there Il match now DAYS,
it's nothing without the money. Third
person, cause it spoken by the girls.
In the objective and governed by tho
sponduliks Of the girls dady.
The Orangeburg news. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, 1873-11-29

A cowardly fellow having kicked
newsboy for Fostering him to buy an
evening paper, the lad waited till another
boy accosted the gentleman" and then
shouted, in the hearing of all by stand ders,
"Its no use to try him, Jim--he can't
readw av
The Orangeburg news. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, 1873-11-29

Every cord Of wood given to tho poor
is recorded above.
Lazyncss is Il good deal like money
- the more u man has of it the more he
wants.
No author can be as moral as his
works, as no preacher is as pious as his
scrmons.-[ Richter
Count Chambord signs his letter,
"llonri," which induced NIuggins to
say that man who can spell Henry no
better than that isn't fit to be emperor.
a dandy is a chap who would be
lady if he could, but rs he cant, does
all he eau to show the world he is not a
man
In the dictionary Of trade, which fate
has reserved for embarrassed manhood,
there is no such word as fail" 1t is
suspension.
For "shutin at his nabor," a citizen
VI N"lhhett county, IA, was recently
sentenced by a justice of the peace to
''everlastiu punishment from the hon.
orabIc county of Gwianett."
1t i'd stated that the settlers of Oregon
and California are preparing vast
number Of claims against the govern.
ment for supplies on account of the
Modoc war.
a lady of the shoddy aristocracy at
St. Joe found, on returning from walk,
some call cards on her table. She called
a servant in great haste, saying 81 ohm,
John, take these and run quick them
ladies is forget their ticket.
The Orangeburg news. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, 1873-11-29

General Custar was listener at
Duluth to a lecturer on hoY to save tho
Indians. He admitted that the leotur-
er's doctrines we're good for the interior
Of church, but insisted that man
could not practic them upon the plains
aud save his hair.
The Orangeburg news. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, 1873-11-29

A lady who was sIoning raisius left
the room, leaving her small boy, forbid
ding his touching the fruit in her alb
se6ce. =, Wei, Charley, did you take any
raiBins2ht' No, mamma. .'S" You now If
you'dia, God saw yoa." ayes, know lie
did, qbutI He won't tell 20
The Orangeburg news. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, 1873-11-29

The Milwaukee papers are taiEisge
about an unsuccessful morchSap hE6s
went from Wisconsin 70 Illinois. They
say the last state of that msn was worse
than the first. '''' :
The bats are 50 thick at YorktcsHa,
Va, that evening church services rioSassss are
interrupted by the minister dodgisS. :.
The Orangeburg news. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, 1873-11-29

y story is told of an editor who died,
went to Heaven, but was denied admit
tancc, lest lie should meet some deinqu
ent subscribers, and bad feeling be ell
gendeFed into peaceful cline Hay Ing
to 90 some where, the editor next ap
peared IN the regions OF darkness, but
was positively refused admittanco, as
the place was full of delinquent subscr
berS, Wearily, tho editor turned back
to the celestial city, and was met by the
watchman at the portals with smile
who said II was mistaken; you can
enter--there is not delinquent subscri
Der in Heaven"
The Orangeburg news. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, 1873-11-29

"a servant girl was asked, Are you
converted 2" She replied, Il hope So
sir" "What makes you think
that you are really child Of
God Z" "Well, Sir, there is a great
change in me from what there used to
be-" "What is the change 2" | don't
know sir; bat there is one thing; |
always sweep under the mates now"
The Orangeburg news. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, 1873-11-29

STRoNG.-"Why is it, my son that
when you drop your bread AMI butter.
it is always the butter side down ?" 81
don know. It{hadn't oughter. had IL?
he strongest side ough. to be upper
most, hadn't it, ma? and this is the
strongest butter ever seed" "IIush
up it's some OF Jour aa1t's churnin.." >"
Did she churn it? 1hG great lazy
thing" What. your aunt - "No
this yerc butter. To make that poor
old woman churn it, when it's strong
enough to churn itself" "Be still.
Hibi 1t only wants working over"
"Well, ma, il it's you, when did it.
I'd put in lots oimolasses "You good
for nothing. I've ate great deal worse
IN the most aristocratic New York
boarding houses" "Wel, people of
rank ought to eat it," Why people Of
rank 2" cause it's rank butter"
" Iou varmiut you! What makes you
talk so smart" "The sbutter has taken
the skin of my tongue, mother" "Zibi,
don't lie l cant throw away the but
ter. 1t don't signify" I'll tell you,
ma, what Ia do with it. Keep it to
d!aw blisters. You ought to see the
flies keel over and die as soon as they
touch it," "Zibi, don't exaggeratc,
but here is twenty cents go to the
store and buy a pound of fresh"
The Orangeburg news. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, 1873-11-29

Do not run in debt to the shoemaker.
1t is unpleasant to be unable to say your
solo is your own.
The Orangeburg news. [volume] (Orangeburg, S.C.) 1867-1875, 1873-11-29
HumOrs Ofa-tke Night.

Returning home last evening, we ran
up against a curious looking thing,
which upon examination, turned out to
be bill to recover the waste paper of
the State; bht-as it is related to more
than one subject, which was not express
ed in its titlo--not much-we pronoun
ccd it unconstitutioual and stumbled
right along over it, Turning the next
corner, we came a pruptly upon caucus
trying to make a 9orncr in homo inter
csts, concoctiug d plan to pay all the
claims not otherwise appropriated
witch were held by the members of the
said caucus, on any of their poor kin.
In this pool, there were all kind Of
promissory noses, red, white and blue,
the most of which had been in soak for
some time wy2sSfthat accommodating per
sonage, my uncle Pursuing our home
Interests we HSic further acquaintance
of a manuiaeto'Y Of bills payable, against
the peace and qignlty OF the State, and
passed it by with an omnious shadow
crossing our Iath. Meditating upon
the extraordinary course of human
events, in fn5 5ncial way, we paused a
moment to survfy cunning, suspicious
looking individual, digging away at the
foot of IN old trse, aud upon questioning
him, he said that he was digging up
some I'D Confederate notes, say three or
four hundred housand dollars worth,
which he intended to have tackled on to
some bill, in cass all parties are asreea-
ole. In fact thSre was food for thought
every now and tsen in the journey, and
we have been thinking about all the
various and inta,natc developments of
these magnifcent 6fancicrs, with some
thing like an as] france that there is no
royal road to fort ne U'"oa. Hr"M.
Whig and tribune. [volume] (Jackson, Tenn.) 1870-1877, 1873-02-01
More Elections for the People.

Not content with the almost uni
versality Of elections by the people,
certain newspapers and politicians
are clamoring for the direct election
of President, Nice-President and
Senators to Congress, by the people.
In the name Of all that is conserva-
tive, sensible and prudent, are we
never to be done with this ineffable
folly of referring all elections to the
people? The Constitution of our
American Government refers the
election of President and Vice-Pres-
ident to the electoral Colleges, and
that of Senators to the State Legis-
latures. There let it rest. Il has
answered all purposes for which it
was intended, in the past; and will
doubtless continue TO do so in the
future, if left untouched by the
agrarian spirit of ambitious psliti-
clans, and the small fly politicians
who revolve around them. 1t is the
opinion of every well informed
gentleman of our acquaintance, that
there are already too many elections
before the people, and very many OF
them arc favorable to a Withdrawal
of some now before the people. 1t
certainly might be done without
any serious detrimeut to the public
veal and morals.
Whig and tribune. [volume] (Jackson, Tenn.) 1870-1877, 1873-02-01
nashville correspondence.

NASHVILLE, Jan. y, rs.
Editors Whi0 &c Irt6une:-Nash-
vile has been fully astir, politically,
since the Legislature assembled
The attempt to organize the two
Houses, developed three distinct po-
litical elements, each pretty thor
oughly consolidated and anxious to
secure the ascendancy. The So
called "straights" were numerically
stronger than either the RAIDS or
Independents. The RAIDS controll-
ed strong minority vote, and were,
as always, thoroughly disciplined
The Independents were but hand
full, and yet they stood firmly by
their cOlors. The Straights had,
within their ranks several aspirants,
and failed to stand well together, so
that in the end, the Independents
with the united help of Republican
ism, secured the Speakership of
both branches. This result en-
Unused both elements for a short
time, but it soon became apparent
to all observers, that the unnatural
union would dissolve, and when the
election of State officers came of,
independently and Republicanism
severed, and every State officer elect
ed, are Conservative Democrats.
Legions of candidates were here,
representing every shade of politics,
and from every quarter. The peor,
forlorn Legislators we're soft
soaped" at every corner and in ev-
cry conceivable way, but the agony
is now over, and among the many
estimable candidates, our own ur-
bane and true Gibbs, of Obion, for |
Secretary of State-the kind and |
sensible Hobbs, of Humphreys, for |
Comptroller, and the efficient Nor
row, for Treasurer, were at last, af- |
ter three and half days struggle, |
that now there re-
mains nothing for the Legislature to |
do but to 90 to work in the direc-
ton of LegislatiOH-much might
and we hope will be done by this
in the way Of necessary
reform and needed retrenchment.-
The membership are generally SEN
sibIe and sober, and of good standing |
at home and here. They are not |
in general appearance by |
any prior General Assembly of Ten
nessee, and if the feeling of COM
promise and Cancellation which now |
seems to prevail, can be maintained, |
we think the State may look for |
sound legislation and many good |
results. Yours, &C.
Whig and tribune. [volume] (Jackson, Tenn.) 1870-1877, 1873-02-01
Why Endure what is Durable?

"What can't be cured must be endured"
says the proVerb; but indigestion can be
cured, and therefore It is the merest stupid
iiy to endure IL. Dyspepties have certainly
a right to continue dyspepties TO the end OF
their days II they choose. but as it is not
supposed that any rational being prefers
physical torment 20 ease snd health, the
probability is that II all sufferers from in
digestion we're convinced that an absolute,
infAllible remedy fer their complaint exist
ed, they would with one accord resort 20 #.
We most smphatically declare that such
remedy dSss exist, and that its name IL
Hostetter'S Stomach BitteFs. The record
Of its success extends over period OF more
than twenty years, and il is feATlessly alleg-
ed that during the Whsle OF that time It has
never failed to afford permanent relief in
any disorder or arrangement OF the stomach
that was not organic, malignant, aud in
durable. The testimonials that 20 TO estab-
lish this important fact can be counted by
the thousand. stomach complaints that
had been aggravated by 4 total disregard Of
all dietary rules, and intensified and rem
dered chronic by medicinal treatment OF
drastic purgation, have In hundreds OF in
stances been cured within three months by
the systematic use Of this celebrated stom-
aehic and Alternative. II should be remen-
bered that weakness OF the digestive organs
involves many other ailments. Biliousness,
headache, nervous debility, spasms, palpi-
tation OF the heart, rush OF blood 70 the
head, nausea, vertigo, and slseplessness are
among Its concomitants and results; and for
all these the great vegetable tonic IL a spe-
eihc. 1t acts hrst upon the stomach, and
through the stomach upon the secretoIy and
nervous systems and the bowels, its general
effect being always genial and benefcent.
Whig and tribune. [volume] (Jackson, Tenn.) 1870-1877, 1873-02-01

State or Com ptroller, will soon de-
termine the entire Indebtedness of
the State; and complete and per-
feet record Of the bonds is absolute
" necessary for the guidance of the
financial officers of the State. lie
thinks that the principal and inter-
est of these bonds should be made
payable in New York, and at a place
to be designated by the Comptrol-
Ter, who should be authorized to
appoint a financial agent to assist
in the discharge of this duty. No
expense, ne says, would accrue to
the State, for the usual deposite
will enable the Comptroller to have
the duty performed, without
charge, by responsible bankers. lie
says both the principal and interest
of all State bonds should be made
payable at the great commercial
centre, where capital has been accu-
INFLATED and is seeking investment.
Want of space prevents us from
making additional extracts from
the report. 1t is one Of the ablest
and most exhaustive reports that
was ever presented to the lcgisla.
ture, and ought to be read by al
the people, and especially thorough
ly comprehended and acted upoI
by the legislature.
Whig and tribune. [volume] (Jackson, Tenn.) 1870-1877, 1873-02-01

sessions of our legislature to IS
days. "long Parliaments" being one
Of the curses of scalawag and car
pet-bag rule. 1t has provided us
with a Judiciary, so organized as to
sit in sections, and to do double
work, thus relieving heavy docket,
and administering justice without
sale, denial or delay" 1t has put
the boon Of the ballot in the hands
Of all, and, snatching from the ca
prices of the legislative will, has
anchored amid constitutional safe
guards the prerOgatiyes of freemen.
This it has done, and more; and we
shall insist that it be not subjected
to the Nandalic touch of change,
until better reasons are given, until
its defects become more glaring, and
the clamors of its opponents are
recognized rather as the voice of the
people, than the eternal whine of
mal-contents and pot-house pOliti-
clans.
Whig and tribune. [volume] (Jackson, Tenn.) 1870-1877, 1873-02-01

We are informed that the most persistent
and unyislding OF the private citizens who
have claims vs.. the British Government,
are DR.. J. &. Aver 1 Co., Of Lowell, Mass,
the manufacturers Of medicines. They
win consent TO nothing less than that their
demand for medicines destroyed by the
British pirates shall be paid in gold and in
dollars to the last cent. They are embold-
sned by the fact that the destruction Of
their goods by the English in China and
elsewhere (for where are not that trouble
some nation tramPling upon somebody
have hitherto not been paid in full, and
now say that they shall be- They, howev-
sr, propose this eomPrsmise Give US
Canada an we will call it even, because
we can then send our remedies there with
out duty Washington Nelcs.
Whig and tribune. [volume] (Jackson, Tenn.) 1870-1877, 1873-02-01

The Somerville Falcon says two |
rival saloon keepers at Moscow are |
trying to break each other down,
and have reduced drinks to five
cents. We hope they may succeed.
Their business, however, is incrcas-
ing.
Mrs. Elizabeth Reags, widow
lady residing near Flat Creek, Bed
ford County, fell dead from her
horse, last week, while on her way
to debate between a Methodist and
"Christian" preacher at Flat Greek
Westinghouse.
The Trenton News announces the
death Of Mr.. billiard Grier, well
known citizen of Gibson county,
died at his home near Dyer Station,
last week, OF inflammation Of the
brain, caused by excessive drink.
The Trenton News mentions tho
death Of Mr.. Rogers, who resided
| near Dyer Station, quite suddenly,
last week. He was probably an
| Octagenarian, had never been sick,
and never took dose Of Medicine.
The Winchester Home Journal
announces the death of an old ne
| gro woman, the widow Of an old
man who died last fall of hydropho-
bia. She died OF drinking milk
from a COW which had been bitten
by a mad dog.
The Morristown Gazette says
there are dogs enoughin that town,
if taxed s. each-and il thinks they
ought to be-to send every child
there to school for twelve months.
The lands of Hawkins county
were taxed in 1872, at an average
of sos per acre.
Rev. James A. Matthews was or
| dained a Priest in the Episcopal
| Church at Trenton last week, by
Bishop Pearce, of Arkansas, assist
ed by Rev. j. a. Harrison, d. D.,
of Jackson, and Rev. w. G. Gray,
of Bolivar. Ihe sacr. ment of Bap-
tism was also administered to three
adults.
There was a murderOus row at
wedding on Big Creek, Shelby CO.,
last week, in which young man
named Hill, aged 10, was shot and
stabbed to death by George Cooper,
whose sister had just been married
| to a man named buchanan. The
murderer escaped.
Brownlow, in a letter to the
Athens Post, denies that he has any
thought of resigning his seat in the
Senate. He says he is able to do
more good for his constituents than
any of the little county court law
yers, who want to occupy his seat"
SAD SEQUEL TO A SAD EVENT
Week before last we published the
sad account of the burning of Mr..
Hamp Tayior's residence near Ruth
erford, and also that Of his infant
child, which was in the house at the
time-it being impossible to rescue
the child on account of the flames
being under such Roadway when
first discovered. The mother of
the child was so shocked and sor-
row-stricken that she was prostra-
ted and taken dangerously i'll. She
fingered barely a week, never re-
covering from the nervous shock
and weight of sorrow overwhelm-
| ing; and now the husband and ia
Their is also Frustrated, and strong
fears are entertained by his friends
| that he will not recover. Truly it
seems that "misfOrtuncs never come
singly."