Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-12-18
PHUNNYGRAMS.
)oes Chamboard round?

Does Chamboard round?
A great crash-A steamboat towel.
Journalistic indignation-Paper chol-
| er.
$50 dark and yet so light" as the
| man said when he looked at his ton of
| coal.
"a thing of beauty is a jaw forever"
as an American husband said of his hand
some, scolding wife.
Mark Twain sympathizes with the
woman movement, when the movement"
is around wash-tub.
Mrs. Smith says her husband is like
a tallow candle, because he will always
smoke when he is going out.
D. G. Ember, of ST. Louis, indignant
~ repudiates newspaper assertions that
he is relative of cold weather.
"A chiropodist announces on his card
| that he has " removed corns from several
OF the crowned heads of Europe"
"A st. Paul woman who used to keep
| three girls now does her work cheer
| fully. She found her husband throwing
| kisses at them.
| 1t is said that if success in an under
taking was proportional to the earnest
| ness brought to bear upon it. hen could
run about eight hundred miles day.
That period of the year has arrived
when the sight Of twenty pound dog
drawing a ninety pound boy on q thirty
| pound sled is quite common spectacle
| -UtacG Herald.
-"What makes you feel uncomfortable
when you have done wrong?" asked
teacher who was lecturing his pupils on
| conscience. My fathers leather strap"
answered boy.
"A man in blouse-scene, Paris, of
course-presents a bottle of perfume to
his beloved, saying: "When you smell
this you will regret that your Creator did
not make you all nose"
=" Madame" said certain nameless
one to Mrs. Brown the other day, "you
are talking simple rubbish" GO Yes, sir"
replied the ever-crushing lady, because
| l wish you to comprehend me-"
Marshal Bazaine's wife sustains her
| husband pluckily and faithfully in his
trouble. Why the women of this class
are always some other fellows wives is
what most of US are trying to find out.
-Simpkins, having welded and settled,
| accumulated a slight scar over his eye
| brow, the cause of which it is unneces-
| ance asked him whether it was the mark
of the chicken-pox. "Worse than that"
replied Simpkins; otis mark of the
henpeck.''
-Diggins drew a classic inspiration
from his Thanksgiving dinner, and as
Margaret removed the remains of the
turkey from the table exclaimed: ode
mOrtuis nil nisi bonum. Etat ~ every
good" rejoined Mrs. d. Nothing of
the dead but what is good. One year
old" "That is too literal,' Mr.. D. re-
piled. Nothing left of the dead but the
bones. Eaten at 1 o'clock"
-"How is it that you came home from
your party so early last night, Susan?
Didn't you enjoy yourself?" Susan
Eyes ma'am. But the young man as tux
me hin to supper insulted me-" Mistress
-"Insulted you, Susan! Why, what did
he say?" Susan-''Yes ma'am. He asked
if my program was full; and Pm sure l
never 'ad nothing but sandwich and
glass oflemonade, so come away home. :"
During visit of some young men to
a young lady in Shelbyville, Ky, the other
evening, little brother of the young lady
came into the room, and, after surveying
the young gentlemen, said: II bet l can
do something that you can't" One of
them imprudently asked him what it was
He said, 81 can kiss my sister and you
can't" In nine cases out of ten it is fatal
to include little boys in conversation with
their older sisters.
Among the good old puns is one per-
petrated by DR.. Mountain, Chaplain to
Charles the Second. The King asked
him one day to whom he should present
a certain bishopric, just then made vacant
DR.. Mountain replied: of you had faith,
sire, [ could tell you who" Glow so, if
l had faith?" said Charles. "Why," said
the reverend gentleman, you might say
to this Mountain be thou removed into
that see."
"A lank, hungry-looking Mill Creeker
stepped into the Marshall Qnd) bank re-
Gently, and accosted Nc. with, "Do
you keep drafts here, Mister2'' 'Yes
sir" replied the polite and dulcet-toned
Nc. "What are they wuth?" queried the
Mill Creeker. Owing to the size entire
ly, sir" Well, I guess I've got means
| enough to get one about foot square.
Make her stout as blazes, Cap, for its the
| old woman's back, and | want it to draw
her double"
1t was Plat Evans, of Cincinnati,
who taught his friends how to buy ssnder
geese; but he couldn't always get them in
| the market. One morning he saw a lot
and inquired of the farmer how many
there were "About dozen,'' was the
reply. "W-w-well," said Plat, 81
k-k-keep b-b-boarding-hOuse, and my
| BIB boarders are the darnest e-e-eaters you
ever s-s-saw. P.p-pick me outn-n-nine Of
the t-t-toughest you've g-g-got." The
| farmer complied, and laid aside the other
| IL. i ,oI- han