Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1873-01-16
Aumurans department.
BILL ARP ON BILL TELL.

Professor Kohl has just found out that there
never was such man as William Tell. 1
don't know that krout eatin Kohl, but I'll bet
he's mad with some feller by the name of Tell,
and went to work to undermine his family.
If there is passel of folks upon the face of
the earth who enjoy my contempt, it is them
fellers who are always trying to pull down
and never build up "A man may do heap
of good things, but if he makes one little mis-
take they'll talk about that and throw it up
forever. They always mention it with but
"He's very smart man, but. He would
good, but." Regular sappers and miners they
are. They suck all the sap out of a tree to
kill it, and then undermine it to throw it
down.
Now, here's feller who can't make him
self notorious in any other way; and he goes
to sappin' and minin' Bill Tell. Now, don't
believe one word oft. I was named for Bill,
and if there want no such man, then I'm no
body but Arp-that's all. That feller is a
fool, and he's got big job on hand, if he
thinks he can rob history of its best story, and
make hundred millions of folks believe
what he says. He's envious of Bill. Be-
cause he can't shoot an apple, or string a
cross-bow, or make himself famous, he don't
want anybody else to. Every few years some
conceited fool attacks history. understand
they've got society to bile it down and stew
it. Well, its sorter like washing for gold
they lose more than they catch.
Now, it amt been very long since one feller
denied that Bill Shakespeare ever lived. Well,
they are sorter hard on the Bills, amt they?
Another wrote several columns to prove that
old Bouaparte died before he was born, and
another man took up forty pages Of yankee
magazine to prove that one of the Bourbons
was living in obscurity on the banks of Lake
Michilimackinack. He hated old Bona
parties family so bad that he was willing to
swindle halfbreed Canady Indian onto the
throne of France.
Now there was Gesler, and he was ty-
rant, and Bill Tell wouldent tip his hat to
him, and he put him in Jail, and Bills son
Henric was a noble little boy, and Henric
was to die unless Bill shot an apple off his
head, and little Henric was blindfolded and
stood firm as rock and still as the grave,
and there was a prayer and shot and a
shout, and the little boy was saved, and the
apple was hit in the center. All that's 80,
and Tell waylaid old Gesler afterwards and
killed him and set Switzerland free. Its all so.
Its been in the books ever since was born.
I've read it a hundred times, and told it to
Bull Run and Chickahominy and Bob Lee,
and all the little Arps, and I'm not going to
take it back; and if had found it wasent
true, wouldent have told it for a thousand
dollars, and don't like the man who did
tell it; nor the man, woman or child who be-
lieves it, for its like robbin dead preacher
of his tombstone to rob history of William
Tell.
My opinion is that the peace and happiness
Of the country is in danger from these sap
pers and miners. Well all have to have
creed and swear to it.
believe in George Washington and his
hatchet, and Isaac Newton and his apple tree.
believe in Bonaparte and Shakespeare, and
Andy Jackson at the battle of New Orleans
believe in Santa Claus and Pocahontas and
John Smith and Ben Franklin and Jefferson
Davis and Dixie, and the 18th of July, 1776
believe that an old man onst found rude
boy up one of his apple trees stealth apples
believe the milk maid split her milk when
she tossed her head and said, "Green it shall
be-" believe in Robinsin Crusoe and his
man Friday, and the island of Juan Fernan-
DIES. I believe in old mother Goose and Gin
derilla and John Robinson's Circus. I be-
lieve in Greeley and Bennett and Prentice
and other dead editors, except Sam Bard,
late of the Chattanooga Herald, deceased.
believe most solemnly that Ben Butler stole
spoons. believe in the big battle of Water
loo and Bull Run and Thermopylee and
Dorking and Leather's Ford. That last bat
tie was immortalized in verse by Jack Jones
when he wrote, "Big ftin John Sanford, he
fit nifty battle. He fout it at the ford,
where Leather's stole the CATTLE" I believe
that General Grant told the truth when he
said they had two million six hundred and
eighty-eight thousand of soldiers in the field
in the late war. / believe that old Sherman
marched through Georgia about half mile
behind me and my folks, and that Big John
was saved by tieing knot in his steers tail.
He needent deny it for saw the knot.
BILL ARP.