Knoxville weekly chronicle. [volume] (Knoxville, Tenn.) 1870-1875, 1873-12-24
Humorous.

A Kentucky editor is reported to he la
boring under severe illness caused by
falling into pond aud accidentally swai-
lowing some water.
A minister asked tipsy fellow leaning
up against fence where he expected to go
when he died. of l can't get along any
better than | do now" lac replied, II
shant go anywhere"
"Eou ought to let me pass free of charge,
considering the benevolent nature of my
profession" said physician TO tollgate
keeper. "Not So was the reply. "Nou
send too many dead-heads through here
now"
A good old elder of a church, who was
given to eXtravagant exaggeration, was at
last called TO account for his offence in that
respect and admonished not to give way to
the besetting sin in future. The good old
man received the admenition meekly and
said ~ know how prone I am to the
fault, my brethren, and it has given me
tortures of pain, and night after night l
have shed barrels of tears over it." The
meeting adjourned in silence.
A Leavenworth clergymen, while preach
ing his sermon one Sunday evening, per-
ceived a young man and woman under the
gallery in the act of kissing each other be-
hind the hymn book. The good parson
did not fly into passion and discharge a
volly of anathemas at the misguided pair,
as some ascetic priest would have done, but,
tender-hearted as Goldsmith's Village
Pastor" he merely broke his sermon off
shortly in the middle of thirdly and of
fered a fervent prayer in behalf of 1.-The
young man in the pink necktie and the
maiden in blue bonnet and gray shawl who
were profaning the sanctuary by kissing
one another in pew No. $50 " IN E
Near Worcester, Mass, several years
since, an old man had been in town on bus
iness, and, imbibing pretty freely, was re-
turning home in the evening ia his wag-
on, and losing his reckoning, permitted
his horse to take the railroad track. jog
ging along leisurely, it was not long before
train OF cars overlook him, and the loco
motive striking the wagon sent the old man
"lukingn and killed the horse, without,
however, injuring the man. The train
was stopped, and the conductor returned
to ascertain the damage. AS he approached
the scene of the accident, he inquired of
the old man if he was much hurt. "Hurt?n
he replied. NO but I'd like to know
what you are running your blasted old cars
on the turnpike forw
One of our retired merchants hired a
newly-importeG servant girl from the
"owld DART who was necessarily some
what ignorant of English phrases. One
morning, seeing her mistress in a loose
wrapper, Biddy asked another servant
what style of dress that was, and was in
/ W
On a subsequent morning soon after, the
merchant handed into the kitchen, fresh
| from the vines in his garden, some toma-
| toes, telling Biddy to serve them in an
"undressed state" meaning, Of course,
| raw. Dinner time came, and everything
| was on the table except the tomatoes. The
bell was rung, and on Biddy's appearance
she was asked for them. She hastily re-
tired, and soon presented herself with
| nothing or but a single under-garment,
saying: "Arrah, sure, I'm now in an UNI
dressed state as much as name to be, and
begorra, I'll not strip Off enother rag
even if l get my discharge" She was
told TO dress herself and expect higher
| wages.-PrOUt deRce Journal. "a NNH
A Kansas paper gives the following re-
port of a judges sentence, lately passed on
a criminal: "Brumley, you Infamous
scoundrel! You're an unredeemed william!
You hain't singl eredeeming trait in your
character. Your wife and flaming wish we
had sent you to the penitentiary. This i;
the fifth time I've had you before me, and
you have put me 10 more trouble than your
neck is worth. I've exhorted and prayed
over you long enough, you scoundrel! Jus
go home and take one glimpse at you fam
I lily, and be off in short order Don't lett
ever hear of you again! The grand jur.
have found two other indictments against
you, but I'll discharge you on your OWL
recogniZaGces, and if / ketch you in thi
! nick of woods tomorrow morning at day
light, I'll sock you right square in jai
aud hump you of 10 Jacksonville in les
than no time, you infamous scoundrel
ever / catch you crossing your ringer a
man, woman or ehild-white man or mig
ger-Tll sock you right square into thu
jug Stand up, you scoundrel, while pas
. Inc, y aa nFa pn