The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1873-12-24
SCRAPS.

To make money-Get an appointment
in the mint. ..: a.. : ,.';:,,,
!. A, chemist says he can reduce oldboot-
legs to beefstcak. g..
Exercises in moral comparison - Get
on; get honor; get honest: 49,
An Ohio editor publishes marriages
under the head Of of;'"Attachment% No
;tices." -: i.
A man in Chicago announces himself
as the Methodist candidate for: r:'consta-
!ble.n''
Why does o railroad conductor punch
a<hole in your ticket? TO let you pass
through.
The old maxim that "man proposes"
is tatly contradictcd by Massachusetts,
spinsters. "
In Decatur, Ill.,, when young lady
declines an offer to convoy her home,
he asks permission to sit on the fence
and see her 60 by.
The creditors of an absconding Yam
kee found, on opening his safe, that the
!only thing he had laid up for rainy
day was al umbrella.
An advertisement for district school
teacher, in. New Hampshire, concludes
i'm this way: '"N. B.-No man need ap-
ply who wears shawl"
A young lady of Terre Haute, Indi-
ana, has: PRAYED her ability to support a
husband by shooting over one hundred
.quails this season.,
1-e for n
centipede received by mail from Texas,
and saysit is the first cent of'any kind
he had seen il month.
T., Anobituary notice in Western paper
contained the touching intelligence that
the deceased chad accumulated little
money and ten children"
l.. TO determine whether man is drunk
or not get him to say, 1.-THE scenery is
truly rural" If he says "trural rury,"
You may put him down as drunk. .
A friend writes to: an editor for four
dollars, "because he is so d--d short,
and gets In reply the heartless response,
j''Do as do, stand up Oh chair"
: A pious old lady being asked by her
pastor what she thought Of the doctrine
of total depravity, replied she thought
lit most Excellent doctrine, and had no
doubt it had been the means OF saving
many souls.
! Our experience, and the history of the
past eighteen centuries, incline us to the
:belief that no matter how we'll you treat
"a shotgun, nor how you bring it up, 1t
will bang the stutting out Of you the first
time it gets chance.
"Yeu ought to let me pass free Of
charge, considering the benevolent ma
yture Of my profession" said a physician
to tollgate-keeper. Not so, was the
reply. "You send too many dead-heads
through here now"
yI "a Boston. preacher speaking of the
danger of; the Bible, being crowded out
Dy the newspapers, pefpetrates the fol-
lowing excellent pun: Men nowadays,
said he, "are like Zaccheus, desirous of
seeing. Jesus, but they cannot because OF
the press" .,.....
>. The most unhappy person in the
world Is the Dyspeptic. Everything
sorts" With himself and everybody else:
Life is a burden to him. This can all
be changed by taking Peruvian Syrup
IA protoxide of Iron). Cases of q years
Standing have been cured by it.
A miner who had powder in one tin
can, and oil in another, and forgot
which was which, went into the black
smith shop, at the Dunbar colliery,
.Clearfield County, one day last week, to
a;aelt the oil. He set the can, containing
THREE pounds of powder, on the black
smiths fire, and went home saying that
that was the loudest clap of thunder he
..had'evcr heard.
r. Thearish auctioneer was great brick.
They put up goat and he was sold for
81. "Here Yer have him." said he, "a
beautiful goat, who has for years been
the sole support of a widow and six Or
;phans = going, six quarts Of milk per
diem-going, going, going, goat" he
shouted, Just as a voice from behind
Whispered, "Touch the goat off for q
dollar, Larry, :,
=. A lady made complaint to Frederick
the Great, King of Prussia.
"Your'fnajesty," said she, Tiny hus-
band treats me Badiy:s'
'That's none Of my BUSINESS" said
:, H"But he speaks i'll. of you," said the
lady. -. 49,.
"rhat,' said he, ''is none of your blu
: siness."
- A. MATRIMONIAL PUZzLE.-Suppose
q man and girl we1e married, and
which is Of course, mpossible-that, at
the time of the hymenial contract, the
man was thirty-tive years old and the
girl five-which makes the man seven
times as old as the girl They live to-
:.gether until the girl is ten years old
this makes him forty years old and four
four times as old as the girl; they lived
r,ntil she was fifteen, the man being
forty -five-this makes the man three
times as old; they still live, she is thir-
ty years old-this makes the man sixty,
j only twice as only; and now, as we
haven't time to work it out, perhaps
some one will be good enough to tell US
how long they will have to live to make
%the girl as old as the man?
= Lives there man with nose so red
who never to himself hath said, 's1'll pay
before I 90 to bed;- the debt l owe the
'printer.-Brdno1oN Republican.
~ Yes; there are some know full well,
but they, I fear, will go to-well-the
place where there's 10 'winter-Panola
ii.Star. ~. 80 .r .'.
! You're blind, Star, rou're reasons dim
1or you'd not argue such whim e'cn
Satan bad would not have him who
fails to pay the printer r!-7uoelo Jour-
: d',l. -. ,,....,
Were glad that now the means arc
+, ,cs,,,,.1 ~ hri,, tho hack Suhspriherc