The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1873-12-15
THE PRESS.
MONDAY MORNING. DEC. Is. 1873.

A man cannot see the point of joke when
he isthe butt.
The latest things in coal scuttles. The
sinking of that coal barge.
In passing through dark tunnel on
Pennsylvania railroad, woman was heard
exclaiming, 'Don't you fool around! I car
ry pistol in my panierr'
"Who goes borrowin' goes sorrowin'."
More often it is "the other way up" Who
goes lending too often gees sorrowin',
while who goes borrowin' not unfre quently
goes on his way rejoicing at his dexterity.
A young man who has lost his new hat
states that unless it lie returned he will forward
to the wife of the person who took it, the
note found concealed in the lining of the old
one left in its place.
An eng-aver in Springfield, Mass, has cut
the Lords prayer into a piece of copper less
than one-iourth the size of silver three-ceDt
piece, and there is room in the circle for fif-
teen or twenty words more. -.. .,...
''Mike, will you come in and take drnk2'
Mike looked at the man for the space of half
a minute, and then, rolling his eyes upw ard,
very softly said: II tot it was an angel sphak-
ing to me-"
The Herkimer Democrat asks: "Who is
there that is not chained to some rock Of the
past. with the vulture Of Memory tearing at
his vitals, screaming forever in the ear of C, n
science?'
know nothing which life has to offer so
satisfying as the profound good und srstanding
which can subsist, after much exchange OF
good offices, between two vrtuous men, each
of whom is sure of himself and sure of his
friend.-R. w. Emerson.
"Ah Jenny" said sympathizing friend
to one who was just too late for the train,
''you didn't run fast enough" Eyes diG,"
said Jenny, 81 ran fast enough, but didn't
start soon enough"
A plumber had an Iiish lad in his employ,
and one day, having occasion for piece OF
zinc, ordered him to get one twelve inches
square. 'Yes, sir" said Pat, "twelve inches
square, but how long?'
"Fellow trabellers, 'said colored preacher,
"ef had been eatin' dried apples for week,
on, dom tool 70 dr;pIy;n, Cor a ,,onr r oo,,Id,,t
feel more swelpd up dan am dis minnit wild
pride an vanity at seein' such full tendance
har dis evenin'.''
A remarkably dirty man stepped in front of
small boy sitting on fence, expecting TO
have some fun by chatting him. He said.
Chow much do you weigh?" The answer
was, swell, about as much as you would if
you were washed.''
A young lady who had coquetted with her
beau until his patience was completely ex-
hausted, and he rose TO go away, whispered
az she accompanied him to the door, 81 shall
be at home next Sunday evening"" $50 shall
l." he replied.
An Essex street man bought pig. Satur-
day, says the Dsn3ury News. "What do
you feed your pig?" asked a neighbor.
"Corn" he said. "Do you feed it in the
ar?'' asked the friend. 'sDo you think 1
am fool?'' said the Essex street man, sar-
castically.
'What do you sell those fowls for?" in
quired person of man attempting to dis
pose of some chickens of questionable appear
ance. 81 sell them for profts,' was the
answer. ''Thank you for the information
that they are prophets" responded the quer-
ist, ''I took them to be patriarchs."
Whatever you are from nature keep to it;
never desert your own line of talent. If
Providence only intended you to write posies
for rings, or notices for twelfth-cakes, keep
to posies and notices; good motto for a
twelfth cake is more respectable than a vii
lainous epic poem in twelve books. Be what
nature intended you for, and you will sue
thousand times worse than nothing. ng.-Sydney
Smith.
A young sprig of fellow once took it into
his head to fall in love with a buxom Irish
girl, who was a servant next door to where he
lived, and began calling on her in the kitchen
on Sunday nights, after the fashion Of ''cous-
ins." The Irish girl did not half like this,
and her friends found it out and laughed
loudly at her expense, until at last she re-
solved to get rid of him entirely. So the
next night, when he called, she said to him:
Matthew, yees are nice enough boy for
lane one, but, be COB, I haven't the
time ter grow yees up and fatten yees before
lettin' yees court me, and I'll not have yee as
yee are, so be gone" And he went.