The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1873-12-27
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES

An eastern wit has been eXpaiiatng on Il
happy cam. The subject is capacious one Al
byno means exhausted, says an exchange, Il
ding;
The clam can be fclicitated on the fact that |
never has u mother.in-law; never uses hardy
is never eXcruciated with the strains OF nan
organ under the caves OF his house after u
o'clock at night; never is shaved with dll
razor nor by confidence men; never is dunned
pay old debts nor asked for pin-money; ney'
has but one boil in his life nor gets into but on
stew And then his poctical tastes are adhir
bic; in fact he is little shelly
II was Platt Evans, Cincinnati hotel keepe
who taught his friends how 10 buy tender gees
and this was the way:
Going to market one morning he saw a lot, an
inquired of the farmer how many there wcrC
About Il dozcn,' was the reply. "Ww-wcll,
said Plat, II kk.keep b-b-boarding house, ant
nv b.boardcrs are the darndest e-eaters you eye
s.saw. P.p.pick me out n nine of the t-t-toughes
you've gig got" The farmer complied, and lait
aside the other three tender ones. Platt pckcC
them up carefully, and putting them into hi:
basket, said, II b-b-b-believc I'll TIT take these
three
Catherine Shay is the girl who created Il
drunken row at the C., r. |. " j. depot last Fri
day, and who gave as an excuse that she was
II.
and never released her until Tuesday. 1t Is
almost unnecessary TO state that she came from
ChcagO.-Joth Sun
Is this quiet way OF insinuatin@ that y" the
officer" was naughty?
One must be careful in these bcllgercnt times
not to excite the wrath of II year old boys. They
carry pistols and are not TO be trilcd with For
example;
At Johnstown, Pa. u year old boy last week
shot servant girl for accusing him OF smouch-
mg pie"
Perfect was perfectly resigned to die last week
when they told him the alternative to hanging
would be 4 cold bath in the pcnitenary.
Texas farmer turns his cattle out to pasture
in an enclosure one hundred and fifty miles long
and fifty miles wide. This farmer began life
when Il mere boy
Dick" Richardson, Of the Quincy HoUH, ,
warns Congress that if it darcs to levy II fresh
tax upon tobacco, as recommended by the Sccrc-
tary of the Treasury, he will quit using the weed
anybody acquainted with Dicks habits will be
able to appreciate the force Of this threat.
The Governor of Wyoming winds up his !
proclamation in this style: "Gvc
thanks unto the Lord, for His mercy endureth
forever. In witness whereof have hcrcunto set
iay hand, and caused the great seal of the terri
tory to be Affixed &c.
The Chinese declare that Noah's real name was !
Al Roo, and that he resided Pckin. These hea-
then will be claiming Beautiful Snow" next
A New Hampshire farmers wife fell into well, |
md it was four days before he missed her and |
made search. He said he thought the house un. |
Usually quiet, but he ddn'tknow what made it So |
A lady had several hundred dollars worth of
point lace clipped off her clothing by an adroit
hcf, while she was at church, singing: Strip
nc of the robe Of pride, clothc me with humility"
Brooklyn lady Of IA has sued q gentleman Of
. for breach of promise Of marriage. The dam.
ge claimed is supposed to be somewhere be-
wccn ten and fifteen cents worth of chewing
.um.
The Peoria Recielc thus details the woes Of
etter carrier of that village.
After walking nine miles and delivering the |
anne letter TO Isl men, none Of whom would re-
GIVE II, he sat down on q fire plug and wcpt be.
ause PocahOntas was such fool us TO catch the
~
,ctcsted and innumerablc race.
Pennsylvania paper tells the absurd story
hat murderer of that state, who was hanged
lot long ago, sccreted S2l 900 before his death
where nobody can find it, No sane man with
$1,000 would ever suffer himself to be hung in
tate where men like Simon Cameron don't get
ven into the pcnitentiary.
=,
title gamib entering the Office of the Spring
ield Register and seeing how savagely the local
ditor drew OFF his coat, innocently asked for
ladder, supposing the place to be n slaughter
louse
Young men who fear that the woman move. .
'lent will render the young ladies of the land
ess modest and attractive, may be comfortcd by
he fac that, as a rule the women in public life,
Ierical, professional, medical and literary, num-
ser betw sen forty and sixty summers.
Peoria naturalist in attempting to warm the
airs Of frozen wasp over gas Jet, discovered
nat the TAIL OF the insect thawed out first, and
worked with rapidity that was as astonishing as '
he hdcous profanity Of the naturalist, who held |
he insect by the tail while thus experimenting
Susan b. AnthOny's former hctrothcd resides {
n Dubuque He is glad he let Susan be Anthony. {
\ Burlington, Iowa, man bought a light axe
,ecausc his wife was Sick and couldn't chop very
veil with Il heavy one
\ Wisconsin exchange draws picture of a Il
heavy, soggy schoolmaam, weighing one hun.
red and fifty pounds bringing the ruler down
lpon the shrinking flesh Of seven years
A Louisiana paper thu, commences feeling
obituary notice:
Our esteemed fellow tcwnsman John Knox
vent galloping out oG Ccntrcyic on the pale |
.Orse last night.
\ hoy living in Connecticut ate 81 buckwhcat
axes one day last week, and 50 disturbed his
tomach a, 10 cause his death three days after
'hc last words he uttered were Of modern tri.
mph. lie said: 81 s!ung EN-"
The distillation Of fair article Of brandy from
awdust and whisky from old boots is an
cknowledged chemical achievement; but the
1eaiicpl .Ee,r, take, our breath away hy the
hat aud ia |