davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

HEN-UNDRUMs.-Why is a hen immor-
tai? Her son never sets. Why have
chickens no hope in the future? They
have their next world (necks twirled) in
this. Why is a hen on fence like cent ?
Head on one side-tail on the other.
Why don't hens lay at night? Then
they are rOosters. Why is the first chick
en- of % brood like the mainmast of q
ship? A little forward on the main
hatch. Why is a chicken just Matched
like cows tail? Never seen before.
Why should not hen cross the road
ItWould be q fowlprOceeding. If ship
captain had no eggs what would he do
Lay to (twO). And, to conclude, q hen
is II poor economist, because for every
grain she gives o peck.
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

When you speak of diminutive ar
genital cone, convex Oh it's summit, and
Semi-peTfOrated with symmetrical in
tent9tions, youprObabl y mean thimble,
but there is no saying for certain.
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

During thunderstorm, mother told
her little girl that the thunder was Gods
voice. Presently it thundered once more,
when the child exclaimed-"There he's
lOllering ag'inIn
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

An exchange tells of q negro who in
sisted that his race was mentioned in
-he Bible. He said he heard the preacher
read how Niger Dcmus wanted to be
born agaiD,'
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

A father was windinghis watch, when
he said playfully to his little girl, "Let
me wind your nose up" "No,n said the
child, Il don't want my nose wound up,
for don't want it to run all dav.n
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

A S0FT-SOAPED LOVER.-This story
is taken from Il long rambling letter to
cold Times" who lives in Arkansas:
I was living ut Squire Jones. He had
q gal and she was pretty, You bet. T
used to think she was pretty enough to
eat. To say loved that girl wouldn't
be no description of my awful feelings;
but l was awful bashful-I couldn't tell
her about it; and to make matters worse
there was a feller coming to see Sally;
but he came once a week lust as regT-
lar as the COWS come up, and he'd b1clz
rightup to Sally and set up halfthe night.
| hated him, of course, and nobody
couldn't blame me for it. determined
to stop him or bust. fell on anlan. and
told Sally's brother of it; his name was
Ike; he was pleased, and we went to
work. They were scarce of houseFoon.
had front and a back room, which was
used for kitchen and smoke-hOuse.
Me and Ike slept in this back room.
The floor was made of DuncheOns. and
Immediately under our bed, and also M
der the floor, was the big sOap-trOugh.
1t had about ten bushels Of soft-s0aTS in
it. Sally's beau was to be there tbatpight-
l told her that wanted tosleep with her
sweetheart that night. She saidall right.
He came dressed up in his best. Hehai
one of those high-collared. long. scissor 1Is.
tailed coats, new .cOpperas pants, a high
bee--gum hat, and square yard red cot
ton handkerchief around his neck.
He soon coTnered Sally, and me and
Ike went to bed-but not to sleep. We
raised the floor over the sOap-trough,
took the boards off the bed all on fhe
foreside, where was to lie-iust enOuoh
behind to hold up bed withOuta felleT.
Ike lay before the fire on pallet. / Law
on my plank hOldingvery still. began
to think they would sit lip all night, blIt
finally, about 1 O'clock, he came in, T
snOred violently.
He hauled off his linen, and over he
crawled, and i'll he went, down into the
sOap-trOugh. Of all the snOrting and
kicking you ever heard, it was right
there. began to yell at the top of nv
voice. Ike was making a light, and just
as he got u flaming pine knot lit in full
! blast, the old folks came tearing in in
| their night ClOthes-the old man with
his gun and the old woman with the
poker. - ......... IT,
I had Sally's beau drawn ont by this
| time and stretched ont at full length be-
fore the fire. The soap was half an inch
| thick all over him. Of all the sights I
ever saw, he looked the most terrible.
A KU-Klux wasn'tnOwhere. Sally came
with her dress in her hand, and as she
entered the door he broke. The dogsall
went after him out of hearing-he don't
come back any more.
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

An Irish paper publishes the follow
ing: "a deaf man named Taft was run
down and killed by a passenger train on
Wednesday morning. He was injured
in similar way about year ago."
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

A AschOOlmasterwas once ceasked-"Why
are cream and sugar put into tea ?" and
answered, "TO render the acute angles
of tea more ObtuSe.n
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15
EDUCATIONAL.
ffHOOT SSSiS TSsSifSG T.anf rs

I will open my school for the education of
young ladies, ON Monday, and of September
(prox.), in my dwelling at Opelol1sis. i intend
this Institution to be permanent, and viii en-
deagnr u meea the wants sIf this community, by
ahording facilities for a thorough edncations
TERaIS:
Tuition IN primary branches, per month : 3 90
Tuition in Academic q q 90
French, !" - so
Music with alse Of plane, 4 = 6 90
Drawing, daily less0nsl, g q 90
Painting, tgi-weekly lessons, g s 90
Vocal music gratis,
Board. Z ID 90
Washing, per dozen, 70
AL dues payable monthly in advance.
July 20, ls72-tf, Z. s
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

A few days since one of our popular
attorneys called upon another member
of the profession, and asked his opinion
upon a certain point of law. The lawyer
to whom the question was addressed,
drew himself up, and said, 81 generally
get paid for telling what l know The
questiOner drew half dollar fractional
from his pocket, handed it to the other,
and cOOlly remarked. "Tell me all you
know, and give me the change" There
is cOldnesS between the parties now,
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

Frank France, q wealthy Englishman
of Aurora, H., went home drunk, mis-
took the door, and beat another mans
wife 50 that her life is despaired of.
He will be tried at once,
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

A little boy aecosted his papa thus !:
g Papa, you are growing still?" "No,
dear; what makes you think so 90 :" Be-
cause the top of your head is coming
through your hair.p
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

This is the affecting cpitaph on a de-
ceased Rock Island Captains tombstone
" He's done a'catching cod, and gone to
meet his Cod
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

EARNEST RELIGIoN.-A. balonet was
one day examining some works of the
celebrated sculptor, Mr.. Bacon, and OBJ
served a bust of Mr.. Whitefeld among
them, which led him to remark;
. After all that has been said, this was
truly a great man he was the founder
of a new religion" .Z..-....
4 new religion, sire' replied Mr..
Bacon. 80. '' :
. !, Y2es.' /, s; said the baronet; what do you
eall it2 ... y.
Nothing" was the reply, "but the
old religion revived with new energy,
and treated as il the preacher meant
what he said.r III
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

A Georgia colored woman has had
thirty children by one huSband9 qdthree
by another.
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

1t is said that the reason why Uncle
Sam, don't recognize Cuba is because he
don't remember ever being introduced
to her
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

The following anecdote Of Pope Plus
the Ninth, which came to hand a few
days ago, is good enough to repeat It
is truly witty, and has in it, moreover,
enough of papal gall to give it flavor
Some one Informed his holiness that
Father Hyacinthe had taken to himself
a awife The Pope lifted his hands to
heaven and cried:s "NoaU let 0U the
8Giafs be praised the sinner has taken
his punishment into has 0trB hands ~
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

A young man who is desperately in
love says he has been electrified with
gal-vanic battery.
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

Why is spider with fly in his net
like one of the greatest Of American
Because he will make q
Wch-Stir
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

How. to prevent bad dreams-dOn't
go to sleep.
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

Why is false friend like the letter
P? Because, though always first in
pity, he is ever last in help. ~
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

II came near selling my boots the other
day said Scuttle to a friend. "How
sOP" "Well, had them half -sOled.n
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

An incbriatc Wisconsin man threw
his watch into the CRATE and carefully
placed his half-bmnt cigar under his
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15

saa Is s.

1NM rants Wantegl- Highest cash fpricesT paid
for same Also, combinations obtained from
the u Sc, under recent aets Gf Congress, for all
confirmed Spanish and French grants, whether
the same have been located or not. All these
acts will soon expire. Parties interested should
act before 1t is too late.
r. Ell. 81. Il. BRADFORD,
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15
AEGDEMeVS at Law
20 st. Charles street, New Orleans,
Sssss 81 r. SNfksHssu - Fssara IN ~

- MILL wish to employ 10 hands by the
year, wages payable half ut end of each month,
half at end Of the year. Wages 80 q month,
VIII rati0ns Of FIVE pounds meat and one peck
meal per week. Men with families preferred.
Good quarters for the families and as much land
as they may wish to cultivate.
Dee. aS-tf HENRY i. GARLAND.
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15
The HDmlOrists' Column.

A little nonsense now and then,
Is relished by the wisest men.
The Opelousas journal. [volume] (Opelousas, La.) 1868-1878, 1873-02-15
DRUG STOKES.
0PELOUSAS DRUG STORE.
SIGN OF THE BIG MORTAR!
Opposite the Court House,
oPELoUsAs, La.

The undersigned in returning his sincere
thanks for the very, liberal patronage with
which he has heretofore been favored, would
respectfully call the attention OF all needing
anything III his line, to his
LARGE AND COMPLETE STOCK
of everything belonging to the Drug Business
Physicians, Country Merchants and Planters
orders solicited.
Prescriptions will receive particular attention
at all hours of the day or night.
CLAUDIUS Mayo
Phal1naceutist
Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1873-11-15

The Bonds will be delivered In any
amount desired, in either Louisville or
New York. or AT ClsrkSville, Tenn.
Sept. a0-lw.
Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1873-11-15
No Electoral College.

The Standing Committee on Elec-
tions and Privileges of the United
States Senate recently held confer
ence in New York in reference to the
mode of electing the President and
Vice President. The substance of
their deliberations may be briefly sta
ted as involving the following propo-
sitions:
/. To abolish the Electoral Colleges.
2. That the President and the Vice
President shall be elected by the peo-
pie voting directly for the candidates.
3. That each State shall be divided
into as many districts as the State is
entitled to representatives in Congress,
to be composed of contiguous territory,
compact in form, and as nearly equal
in population as may be, and the per-
son having the highest number of votes
for President in each district shall re-
ceive the vote of the district for Presi-
dent, which shall count one Presiden-
tial vote; that each State shall be eu-
titled to two Presidential votes at large,
which shall be counted for the person
having the highest number Of votes
in the whole State
l. The person having the highest
number of such Presidential votes in
the United States shall be President.
5. These provisions to be applica-
bic to the election Of Vice President.
6. Congress shall have power to pro-
vide for holding and conducting the
election for President and Vice -Presi-
dent, and to establish tribunals for
the decision of contests as TO the vote
in any district or State, and make reg
ulations governing the proceedings of
these tribunals.
Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1873-11-15
To Make A Good Collector.

Be on time to the minute when the
debtor says come tomorrow at nine
o'clock"
Sit on the step and wait for his
return when he says, am just going
to dinner"
Insist on stepping out to make change
when a man has nothing less than a
twenty"
Go to an " old stager" every day for
a month with a cheerful cOuntenanee
about that little amount.
Don't mind edging into a crowd to
ask fellow.
Take dollar in part if you can't get
ten in whole, and credit it with
alacrity.
Always suggest check when the
money is not in hand, as you can get
it cashed tomorrow.
Always have the account on top"
so that the man can have no excuse for
putting you off,
Don't mind asking for ii Immediate
ly after being treated or pleasant
" entertained.
Never be in hurry, will wait till
you get through.
Cough or salute when the hard
case wants to pass you without see
ing you.
In fine-be patient as post, cheer
ful as duck, soeiable as a flea, bold
as lion, weather proof as a rubber,
cunning as fox, and watchful as a
sparrow hawk.
Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1873-11-15
IMPORTANT TO REVENUE COLLEC.
TORS.
A Circular from the Comptroller.

COMPTROLLER OFFICE, Nashyilly,
Nov. 6, 1S73.-To the Tax Collectors
and Chairman of the County Courts
of the State: In answer TO inquiries
from different parts Of the State, L
issue this circular:
/. Ii is the duty of each tax cOllec-
tor to endorse upon his tax books the
date of the payment of each tax there.
in" whether that payment be made
to-day or year hence.
2. IL is the duty of each tax collector
to make to the Judge or chairman of
the County Court monthly statement
showing the aggregate taxes which
have been paid during the month, and
an abstract of the report shall be fur
nished to the Comptroller BY the COun-
ty Court Clerk. / would suggest that
each tax collector make his first state
ment up to the first day of the month
next after he receives his tax books,
though full month have not elasped;
then afterwards up to the first day OF
each succeeding month. This will
give system to the reports OF the tax
collectors of the State.
3. The sum of ten per cent. upon
amount collected during the month by
anv tax collector will be imposed upon
him for each month he fails or refuses
to pay over the money collected by
him.
4. As the poll tax is levied exclus
lively for school purposes, it must be
returned so that it can be credited on
the books of this office to the school
fund, separate and apart from the gen.
eral State tax. If the tax collector
makes his payments to State deposit
tory, his receipts should state distinct
ly what he has paid in poll and what
on State tax.
5. With the 10 per cent tax on prop
erty for school purposes, the Comp
troller has nothing to do. No report
of it should be made to him. 1t is
paid to and distributed by the County
Trustee. JSO. G.. BURCH,
Comptroller.
Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1873-11-15
A Case of Blistering.

The Republicans sought to make
capital in the late canvass in Ohio out
of the fact that the Hon. VIM. Allen,
the Democratic candidate for Governor,
was an ''old fossil, and that he had
passed the day of his usefulness, not
withstanding he is hale and hearty and
manifests wonderful vigor both of body
and mind. Senator Morton, of Indi-
ana, went to Ohio to make some speech
es for the Republicans, and was indis-
Greet enough to join in the cry about
"the antiquity of Bill Allen" As
might have been expected, Allen re-
torted in way that touched the raw"
in manner to make even Morton to
feel his force. He is reported to have
said
This very man Morton, when he
was brought before the people, had not
the power to stand on his feet before
the people. Laughter. The com
mittee helped him up [ironical cheers, ]
and when they got him up they had to
set him in an arm chair, and had to
tumble and hunt up an old manuscript
that he had concocted in the deep
darkness of some midnight, and read
it there and called it taspeech. Laugh
ter. Do L look like man? Loud
applause, drowning the speakers voice
completely Am l paralyzed from
my lips down =? Laughter, there are
two kinds of influences which wear
away human life. One is the silent,
constant wear and tear of time, that
takes the man beyond that bourne
from whence no traveller returns, y
which disorganizes all organized things,
and resolves matter into its pristine
condition. There is another kind of
influence that brings ON age and de-
crepitude. There is a vicious early
life. There is personal debauchery.
There is moral and physical deerepi-
tude which is brought on in individuals,
and paralyzes them from the hips down.
And yet this man comes and talks
about my want of manly vigor.
Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1873-11-15
$4,000 From One City.

New York has done the most mag
nifcent thing yet, and at time when
we hardly expected any more large do
nations not already on the way here.
The dispatches in the morning papers
state that the appropriation Of $4,000
by the Board of Alderman mentioned
yesterday has been confirmed by the
Board of Assistant Aldermen. They
voted it on the supposition that there
will be needy people in Memphis all
winter, and did not take it for granted
that they knew more of the neces-
sites and sufferings of the poor than
we know ourselves. We think the time
has come to say to the world that we
will try to getalong without further aid,
and then if anything is sent after that
for the relief of the poor through the
coming season it will be all the more
gratefully appreciated. We should let
the outside world know that the peo-
pie of Memphis are not disposed to
take advantage of public sympathy,
but desire to become self-suppporting
as soon as the nature of circumstances
will admit Memphis Ledger 4h inst.
Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1873-11-15

white alpaca, with light blue trimmings,
and in the wondronsly arranged mas
ses of her pale, fossy gold hair she
had daintily fastened a bright pink
rosebud, and a geranium leaf in the
center of the blue bow she wore.
Viii could hardly tell what color her
eyes were, so persistently did she keep
her head turned from him. But he
did know what a purely Grecian pro-
tile hers was, and how fair as lily
petal her cheeks were, and what o
sweet, grave mouth she had.
And he knew, too, that she was
lame this lovely girl, whose name was
Lena Lisle-cousin of vivacious An
ME. He knew by the mute, sad sign
of the ruby velvet-headed crutch that
stood, like grim, faithful sentinel be-
side her chair.
But Lena didn't seem to grieve over
her misfortune, as VIII was sure he
would have done. She was very bright
and very sweet, and at times he caught
such merry glanees shining from those
wondrous amber clear eyes of hers.
q vii found dinner very good that
evening. He laughed, and ate, and
helped Miss Annie and Miss Lena,
and talked to Mr.. Lisle; and when
they adjourned to the parlor he played
and sung his best.
Annie was flirting about from the
piano to Lena's chair, ever gay and
merry, and Viii made up his mind, as
he heard her low, sweet laugh, and
watched her graceful figure, that Mr..
Lisle had indeed offered him a prize
worth fighting for.
Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1873-11-15

A TOUCHING incident is reported
from Chattanooga. An utter stranger
called on respectable farmer,
recently, and asked him if his house
had not been robbed during the war.
The farmer replied that it had. II"
said the stranger, was one OF the ma ma
rauding party that did it; | took a lit
tie locket." That locket," said the
farmer, bursting into tears, had been
worn by my dear, dear child" " Here
it is" replied the stranger, visibly af-
fected: Lam rich; let me make res
titution. Here is go for your little
son." He gave the farmer $50 bill,
and received $50 in change. He then
wrung the farmers hand warmly and
left. The farmer has since dried his
tears and loaded his shotgun.
Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1873-11-15
Y. 1. Williams---Boot
and Shoe Store, Hats,
Caps, Umbrellas,
valises, Etc.
"Live and Let Live Prices."
New and Extensive Fall Stock Just
Received.
Ladies', Misses and Children's Custom
Work.
Gentlemen's very Superior Shop-made
Boots and Shoes, both in Sewed
and Pegged Work.
Baby Shoes, In Great Variety, Just
Received.
Baby Shoes, In Great Variety, Just
Received.

GAINESVILLE, TENN, October IL, %
V. l.. WILLIAMS would have all to
know that he has now in store, for the
Fall Trade, his large stock of Boots,
Shoes, Hats, Caps, Valises, Umbrellas
and Gents Furnishing Goods, which
he is offering at less prices than the
same goods have ever been sold at in
this market. L fully appreciate the
exceeding stringency of the money
market, and hence will give you my
goods at prices commensurate with the
HARD TIMES" In the selection of
my stock, great care was taken to buy
goods of best material and workman
ship, and though these goods are Of
fered you at less prices than they have
ever been sold in Clarksville, l can
give you guarantee of 'GOoD Quail
ITY" on nearly every pair of shoes you
get A full stock of Gents and Boys
Kip Boots, all grades and at bottom
prices. The best s. 90 Gents Kip
Boot in Clarksville.
Ladies' Shoes, full calf vamp and
quarter, 81 80
Gents full stock calf shoes, l S5
Gents 6 g kip l so
Bows calf g so
THESE ARE Coop SHOES. The best
for the money in the market, and will
guarantee them to give satisfaction.
Allother grades proportionately cheap.
The Farmers Shoe-snow and dirt
excluder. Call and see it. These
goods must be seen to be appreciated.
Call in and look at them, 1 will take
pleasure in showing them to you,
whether you buy or not, one look at
them with their astonishingly low
prices will convince you that we offer
greater inducements than we advertise.
1t matters not where you have bought
heretofore, nor how we'll they have
worn, just call in to see me this fall, if
for nothing more than to compare my
goods with others in the market, and
then buy where you can get the best
bargains. In Hats, Caps and Gents
Furnishing Goods, / have a very COM
plete stock. All the Nobby Styles of
Gents Hats, as we'll as the more staple
goods. Call and see HALLS ARCTIC
Cap" can be worn as four different
caps. The very thing for winter.
Don't buy your Boots, Shoes, Hats,
&c, &C., this Fall, till you have seen
mine, as l feel sure, / can save you
money. You are kindly invited to
examine my stock. My Storeroom is
No. q, corner Franklin and lst Cross
Street.
Very Respectfully,
V. l.. WILLIAMS.
Oct. II, 1S73-tf.
Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1873-11-15
The 6 Heroic Ageo Of Methodlsm.

In speaking of the late Bishop Early,
Bishop McTyiere said: He was q re-
preventative man Of the heroic age Of
Methodism, for Methodism had 3
heroic age, before the log cabin and
bush arbor had given way 60 the state
ly dwellings, with freseoed ceiling
when men rode circuits as large as our
present districts, and preached at twen-
ty-eight appointments in twenty eight
days, and when the word salary was
not in the book.
Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1873-11-15

AN inquiry into the kind and guam
tity of destruction caused by lightning
has recently been made in the interests
of the Insurance Companies of Sax
ony. As might have been anticipated,
the result Of the investigations estab-
fishes the fact that houses rooted with
slate or iron are very much less liable
to be fred by lightning than houses
covered with shingle or thatehed roofs