Sunbury American. [volume] (Sunbury, Pa.) 1848-1879, 1873-02-01
humorous Skstrkes.


$50, Boss. Mr. Jones, one evening in
fiy-time, having boen provokingly lashed
in the face, tied the tail of the COW he was
milking very securely to his boot strap.
Everything went ON smoothly for time,
aud Mr.. Jones congratulated himself on
the stratagem. Presently, however, tho
cow took notion to lash fly that was
biting her. Mr.. Jones chuckled some when
be felt the pull at his boot-strap but tho
chuckling was cut short, for "Bossie,"
finding that she could not touch her tor
mentor, suddenly started, and, aud, as Mr..
Jones WAS not prepared for such demon
strstiou, be was upset, and the contents
of the pail distributed over his person. The
COW stopped for moment, aud in that time
our hero had gained his feet in Nh instant
after he was seen with bis hand Oh, the hip
OF the cow, making the tour of the farm
yard With prodigious hops upon one foot.
At every hop he would calculate, $50, Bossl
80, BUss ~ But "Boss' didu't ''so" worth
a cent At last the boot attachment gave
way, and Mr.. Jones returned to the house
a wiser il not a sadder man.
BnLINes' ADVICE TO JOE. BY awl
means, Joe, get married If you have got a
fair show. Don't stand shiyering on the
bank, but pitch in aud stick your head ur.
NCI, dul llIo SulfbI Is oNtE. 4uCEC
emmy more trick in getting married after
you're ready than there 10 in eating pea
nuts. Many a man has stood shiveripg on
the shore till awl run out. Don't expect to
marry an angel; them have awl been pick
ed up long ago. Remember, Joe, you amt
a saint yourself. Don't marry for buty
exclusively. Buty is like ice. awful slip
perry and thaws dredlul easy. Don't mar
ry for luv neither; luv Is like a cooking
stove, good for nothing when the fuel gives
! out. But marry mixture; and le:' the
! mixture be some buty bccomingly dressed,
with about $3.50 iu her pocket, a good spell
| Ter, handy aud neat in the house, plenty of
| good sense, a tuil constitution and by-lawa,
small ieet nud warm heart. This mix
turc will keep in any climate, and not evap--
crate. II the cork happens to be left off
| for two or three minutes the strength 'ain's
all gone. Joe. For heavens sake don't
marry for pedigree. Thar amt much in,
pedigree unless il il backed by bank stock.
a family with nothing but pedigree gener-
ally lacks sense.
! COSsoLATOi:y.-"W Which Of these roads
leads 10 the villAgs Of Wiiton?" inquired I.
! Yankee traveller Gs he came to place
where the road he was travelling forkel in
different directions, of an urchin who sas
| upon log near by, aud whose appearance
indicated that he was evidently a speci-
! men:
"Any orc Of 'em, siry' answered tho
| boz.
(which is the best, my lad5" inquired
the traveller.
"A;n't nary one on 'em the best"
| (Which is the nearestr"
"Ain't much diiiersnee."
(Which do you think had better takes"
e,l-. 4
you get halfway thar you'll wish you had
tuck t'other one"
| WIEN three Irshmen dug Q ditch for
which they were 10 receive four dollars, the
trouble MAS how to divide four among
three aud have il equal. Que of them re-
mained quiet aud the other two at last de-
| ferred TO his judgment, as he had been to
| school and knew arithmetic, to make t.'s
division. He did it AZ once, saying, Its aisy
enough! Shure there's two for you two, and
two for me, too" "Begorra," said one If
his co-laborers, "What great thing il is to
! have learning" And" said the other,
as he poeketed his single dollar, ITO know
| 'rithmetic, tool lt's tue like of US trod
never divided them four dollars squnily."
a woMAS consulted the surgeon at .
! free hospital the other day. snd he ordered
| her "bi-carbonate OF potash.n She imme-
diately inquired if It was absolutely nee 8.
sary TO buy carbonate of potash, as her
brother was chemist and druggist aua
would give her some.
AN exchange puts It truly, although in
facetious manner, s follows: A fellow
who has actually tried it,says that although
there are three scruples in q dram, tho
more drains you take ths less serQples you
have.
SIX feet In his boots !" exclaimed Mrs.
Bees1ax. "What will the impudence OF
this world come to. wonderY Why. they
might as well tell rue that a man had elk
heads In his hat"
The enterprisine lndivinual who is or
ganizing a brass baud of twenty women
says that II they learn half as many ''airs''
as they put on, the experiment ssnno. fait
cf being s,neeess.