Clarksville weekly chronicle. (Clarksville, Tenn.) 1873-1890, 1873-06-21
AsSEssoR,s BLANKS.


Murfreesboro News. Read it and en-
joy hearty laugh:
Some financial missionary who ha
the interest of his country at heart, a
well as to find out how much interes
We have in this country, sent US pa
per resembling Confederate music
: roll of teamsters, with the high sound
ing heading of assessment list" A
We have no secrets when it comes 4
telling of our wealth, we give him /;
partial report, which he can fund i
he finds purchasers
He first wants to know the value o
our real estate including improve
ments, ON a credit of one and TIVE
years. From the very best. calcula
1On we can make, according to Pike.
example of the cost of stove-pipe anC
elbows, 1T would, on credit of one anC
two years, amount to about the same
rs it did under the old law of assess.
ing property. Of he don't understand
-the answer, we don't the question ell
ther, and so he can call US damp
hool and not have any advantage of us
In either game, the improvement on
swearing included)
He next wants to know ''if the
lands can be described by districts
and townships" etc., ETC., and says use
the following, or the following, or the
following. Well, we have used "the
following" in every conceivable style,
squarely, sidely, singly, secondly and
severally, and we are convinced that
our land cannot be described by that
mathematical, arithmetical, or geo.
metrical style, for we find it utterly
impossible to spread out our limited
amount sufficiently to make townships,
much less districts, of it. 1t would
make it entirely too thin" for agri-
cultural or residential purposes, and it
would be fraud of the deepest dye to
attempt to make people believe that
we own land enough to make a dis
trict- 1t m2y pay the State debt to
make these bag estimates, but it don't
pay us, and we decline it, for the pres
ent, at least.
He then wants to know how much
stock we have in companies, beginning
at banks and ending in hotels. As to
our stock in banks, it is very limited,
no monopoly. but we always thought
that one of them institutions called af-
ter the ancient Pharaoh was the worst
kind for member of the Young Mems
Christian Association to be depositing
his money in. As to hotels, we never
run one, but have run away from sew
erel, and as to having stock in them,
if you think empty paper trunks stock,
we can report vast riches very judi
ciously distributed over our land of
the free and home of the hungry
There is a class of hotels known as
county jail where a select class of
men board, that we have no stock in
at present, but from our present stand
point, financially, we can report the
most cheering prospect for the future
(Those who are indebted to us need
not think that we are dunning them in
the above illusion, for we don't want
to hurt their feelings by such remarks.)
In the merchandise department we
have to report a ''costiveness" which
owing to the few fires that has visited
our city. We keep but limited stock
on hand, with increasing demand as
the weather moderates. We haven't
attended an auction since the days
when Bruce began ON a bar Of soap
and ended in brandy cocktail Your
remarks about auctions carried us
back to the days when "niggers were
niggers" and Jack Pentecost, the best
negro crier, that never wept tear, in
the known world. It also reminds
others when Jacob was sold to Potip-
har as a playmate for his wife.
Then follows sundry other questions
about notes, due bills, judgments, ne
gotiable paper and accounts. We
have been blessed with several of the
latter called accounts" but they
didn't read right, and we always dis
missed them with a pathetic remark
that it had never been made or paid,
or if made would never be paid. We
always gave the party choice of the
above remarks, and by close observa-
tion to the rule We never lost a cent
by either route. OF the other articles
we have some Confederate 7-640's and
a few due bills ON kincannon' Wood
bury bank, one half payable when
everybody dies, and the balance when
they return. We consider them both
good investments, highly preferable to
funding, though the parties are not
entirely solvent" but for the total ex-
of the State debt we will
gladly contribute the interest accrued |
for the printing of more assessment |
lists" We consider them a great ad-
vantage, and, like the back pay of a
perjured Congressman, We don't see
how the country can get along without |
them now.
The fifth head is about State, rail-
road, turnpike, towns, cities and other
like securities. We never liked such
from the simple fact that we
never wanted to be called "bloated
bond holder" when our best citizens
we're using Robertson county for bloat-
ing purposes, and from the success at
tending their efforts we thought it took
less money to invest in the latter,
while the results were the same.
The sixth head is devoted to live
stocks, from stations down to hogs.
As we have none of the four-footed
mentioned, we deem it
to give their total value.
Of dark nights there are some Jack
D lanterns reported at the wood d-pile,
but we always took the word of our
leighbors for it. Our neighbors are
Ill poor if they are of honest parents,
md they just took the wood home
With them to experiment with next
lay. The experiment resulted in the
wood being burned, but then a chari-
able act was dOne-it made the beans
n the soup digestiblc.
The seventh head questions goes all
Jver your old clothes and through
7our pockets, beginning at watches
md ending at kitchen furniture. Of
he first named we have several, the
most valuable of which is to watch
ust how much vituals the cook takes
)ut and how little she brings back.
It is astonishing what compress
machine" our cook is, she can take
,ut enough to cook to have barbecue
md after being cooked it takes little
.orn bread dashed in to make the bis
,uits run two rounds. Then there are
several hopefuls to watch, and with an
Elgin watch factory ON the premises.
t would be hard to keep them
,ut of devilment. 1t seems as
latural for them to do just I
What you don't want them, as
{ does for thieves to 20 to Congress.
But you must send us another watch
5 continued" if you want US to state
hem all and so we will pass on to
ewelry. We haven't any Jews in our
amily, but the right Of circumcision