Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1873-02-28
II UMOR.

Some CrummerS on tralu III ! olIdDu
recently wished to open a whiskey bot lie
they had with them, but had no corkscrew.
"Pll get one," said one of The number and
rising, he called out, ''Is there gentleman
from Portland on the train p A gen'l man
responded, ''Will you lend me your cork
screw Z? said the drummer. The corkscrew
was forthcoming,
Bob-"Jim, de men don't make such
fools Of themselves about women as de womep
do about men. If dey look at de moon dey
see man in it. If dey hear mouse nib
bling it's man and jey ali look under de
bed de last thing at night to lind man
Why I neber looks under my bed to hnd
woman, does you::"
A Clinton. N Y, student found himself
largely 10 debt at the end of the term, so he
packed bis clothes in a barrel and sent them
as far as Utica by canal boat. He then
filed his trunk with bay, and his creditors
levied an execution upon it at the depot
The student looked on with grim satisfaction IN.
Josh Billings says that when man has to
search Webster's unabridged for words big
enough to convey his meaning he may make
I'D bis mind that be doesn't mean much
He also says that the reason why there are
SO few happy people 10 the world is that
they mistake their bodies for their souls.
A WalInford dog has rather overdone the
fidelity business. Il would have been per
fectly proper for him, when his master died
to pine and droop and fade away, but be
vent deliberat ly mile away to the rail-
road track and laid his head on one of the
rails in frnnt of the approaching train.
A marble cutter. the other day, received
from German an orler for tombstone.
with the following epitaph:
"My wife, Susan, is dead !; if she'd live
till next Friday, she'd been dei shnsr
two weeks. As a tree falls SO must she
stand"
Mrs. Livermore informs US that the feet
Of the coming womsn are on the mountain.
top, and that her spirit is of the mountain
air. This is very nice; but, If the coming
woman is to be of any practical value, she
had better come down from there.
When Kansas City girl, who was clerk
10 candy store. learned she had fallen heir
to one hundred thousand dollars in England
she refused to attend customers, and perohed
herself on the couptsr and chewed gum
drops the rest of the day.
A little girl was reading the parable of
the wise and foolish virgins when she sud
denly paused We'll. what did they for
get?' asked the teacher. encoura ,ingl1.
They forgot their kerosene, responded Miss
Five.year-old.
d 20, the snow, the beautiful spow; huuky
thing, you know; blueing your nose and
chilling your toes as whirllng along the
street it goes No silly praise not any for
Joe. for that coolest of frauds, the beautiful
snow.
An Arkansas widow has Inscribed on the
head stones of five departed lords We will
meet ia. beaver. husband dear IF 30, the
result ing instrumental embarrassment willbe
worse than that of the Sadducee brothers.
! The Brownsville States is Of opinion that
sale of kisses at ty cents apiece, to raise
funds should be ste My discounten anced
The States is right. They are worth dollar
apiece at least.
Lunatics live proverbially to good old
age. and one Of the proverbs, upon which
the fact is founded. is, we suppo 9, the old
truism that "cracked vessels last the long.
est"
The Missouri Republican asks Where's
that man who knew that this was to be an
open winter because the frogs hadn't banked
up their houses? ?
The Mariposa man who lost his ear in
fight and afterward had it replaced wrong
end up, is obliged to stand on his head to
hear straight.
A Hartford merchants imports rum from
the West Indies, and exports -four on the
return voyage. He considers this returning
good for evil
Talk about the jaws of death, exclaimed
a man who was living with his third scoll
ing wife. 4 tell you they are nothing to the
jaws of life.'
Young ladies who are learning to skate
are putting more stufdng in their waterfalls.
and making other preparations for falling
on the ice.
A little Bridgeport boy who lost three
fingers in drop press, only remarked :
''l'll bet mother will cry when she sees
that" --.
An old eynic says: With many women
going to church is little better than looking
into bonnet shops.
Talk about the modern falling off Of home
affection Our wivas are becoming dearer
every day.
A bachelor friend supposes lady's bri.
dal day is that on which she takes the rei'.
Take her up tenderly, lift her With care,
none knows how dearly she paid far her hair.
4, Lawyers she uld sleep wel'-for it is ime
material on which side they lie.
An essay on mana womau's attempt to