Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1873-04-25
II UMOR.

then Jamaica rum. Then you drink it .
and then-you get drunk. Then police.
man arrests your dead latch key and opens
you with door, No but never mind.
You sit down on the baby in mistake, and
your wife cries and says she will 60 home
TO her mother. You tell her to 60 and be
quiet. In the morning your say, mo! I
think you-I don't care for any break
fast ~
Iowa has a FIVE legged mule, and its OWL
er did not know what the fifth foot was for
until the other day when he attempted to
tighten up the brcecbing before going down
hill. The doctors who patched him up said
they never saw three prettier line shots in
all their army experience. The mule can
stand on his two fore feet and kick with all
three of his hind feet - and to see him when
be is in motion reminds the spectator of
buzZ.saw.
We have seen many advertisements warn
ing trespassers Of the danger Of vexing hui
man nature, but the following excels all
precedent "a very wealthy farmer Of
Ohio county, Ky, has this ''notis" pasted
up in his fields If any mans or woman's
cows or OK ems gifts in these here oats lis
or her tails will be cut off as the case may
be-
A young man dropped into store the
other day and bough pair Of Metallic Du
plex Carriers, supposing them to be some
thing new in the bracelet line: He presen-
ted them to his girl, and only discovered
his mistake when he requested her to 'iry
them on" He hasn't been to see Der
since.
A curious little incident lately occurred
in connection with the ladies' gallery in the
house of Commons. Half leaf from pock-
et-book, folded up, fell from the ladies' gal
lery and lighted on reporters note book.
Upon it was inscribed the following inqul-
~ u: How much longer my pet p
An unfortunate Kentucky editor thus
addresses his delinquent subscribers -
Friends, We are penniless. Jobs turkey
was milHenire compared with our present
depressed treasury To-day, it salt was
two cents a barrel we could not buy enough
to pickle a jay bird"
Ill
giles neck and set him at liberty with much
ceremony on Washington's birth day Two
days later the proud bird made descent
on farmers sheep pen, and his brief career
was ignominiously brought to close by
charge of buckshot.
A Minnesota paper relates what it con-
siders the saddest incident Of the late storm
in that State. "A lightnlngrod man was wan
derirg three days on the prairie. Unfor.
tunately he took the right path and escaped
to infict tortures on myriads of his fellow
mortals.
A gentleman near Vineland, Wisconsin,
entered an orchard to steal some apples,
while his friend, who sat on the fence and
demonstrated, fell off and broke bis neck
There appears to be in this incident use
full lesson for the young.
Postal cards will I've convenience to
people who wish to tell you all they know.
Smith says to his landlady: ''Any letters
for me, to-day" And she answers: "Only
two postal cards, but there's nothing par
ticuar on them
One little mad dog so exasperated the
citizens of Vermont, ILL.,, the other day that
thew turned out and massacred 500 dogs,
and vet the price of mince and sausage
meat had not lowered there at last ac-
counts.
Young ladies are threatened with re-
lapse of the sailor collars. In such little
affairs, do they show their regard for any.
thing that savors of the marry.time ?
Arkansas newspaper correspondents in
the legislature make assertions and back
'em up by saying "I've got six bullets
which says it's so.'
Gentlemen's overalls for parties will be
cut more biased this season, and short men
WILL when waltzing, let out their suspenders
couple Of inches.
A medical practitioner advises his pa
tents to ''throw physic to the dogs" but
one who has tried this says the dogs know
too much to take it.
The Waterloo, Ind, "Press says "The
Toledo Commercial has cut off our ex
change, thereby sacrificing its entire Indi-
ana circulation.
mighty hunter in Nevada attempted
to oct a bullet out of his gun by melting it,
Got it out, but had to call in doctor to get
it out Of his head.
It is rumored that Brigham Young is
about to show his contempt for the govern
ment by marrying couple of dozen more
wives.
Western men are getting their names To-
to the local papers by wearing the first straw
hats Of the season 10 their respective ocali-
ties.
An Eastern clergyman, who graduated
as reporter, instead Of "Let US pray, says
let us interview the throne of Grace }"
The editor Of the Gainesville STANDARD
and Express" uses his coffee without sugar
when subscriber stops his paper.
A cabinet-maker explained that he had
10 ask high price for collins because they
never came back for repairs.
"Loss of China packet ship p exolaim-
ed an old lady. No wonder, when iron
ones arn't always SAFE"
A young lady at Princevile has sent off
her lover with instructions not to return
until he "means business"
A California newspaper writer has been
hearing the ''frogs croak in the silent ether
blue"
Put the strongest minded woman in a
bonnet shop, and it will instantly turn her
head.
The best way to prevent water from COM
ing into your house-don't pay your water
rent.