The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1873-09-04


or elongated the neck Of q deer until
the animal turned into a giraffe, the
success Of his magic was entirely due
to this little word. Geology is also q
science of copjunctious but is has not
yet reached the perfection of a familiar
nursery ALTERATION. Children very
naturally ask, if Peter Piper picked q
peck of picked peppers, pksrs is the
peck Of picked peppers Peter Piper
picked Modern science is less scien-
tifc; it asserts that if Peter Piper pick
ed peppers, peppers were picked by
Peter Piper. Ifmonkeys have religi-
GUS sentiment, why monkeys have un-
doubtedlY a religious sentiment. II an
ascidiau produced man, man was pro-
duced by an ascidisn. The beauty OF
this theory is in its universal applica-
bility; it is only Necessary to admit the
premisis, and the conclusion cannot be
overthrown.
Mr.. Darwin, for example, tells US that
the stripes on tiger are beneficial, his
only reason for the assertion being that
tiger is striped. II a tiger were spot
ted, spots would be beneficial lift were
not marked atsll, plainness would be an
advantage. The long neck OF a giraffe
is beneficial, but if it had a small neck
the case would be the same. The OPP
ponents OF Darwinism are ridiculed be
cause they give no reasons for their dis
belief, yet the burden Of proof is with
supporters of the theory. Dsrwinism
would be an impossibility if no state
ment were received without proof. In
fact ask DarwinIan to 90 back to
first principles, and he is in greater
difficulty than the advocates OF the
special-creatiou hypothesis. Both the
QUE and the other holly argue about
phenomena, OF which they cannot pos
sibly know anything absolute. Knowl.
edge is limited, a fact forgotten by many
modern scientists and by many enthu-
siasts, who imagine that the discovery
OF one link in an endless chain is the
finding the limits Of the chain itself
Helm, in one Of his satirical poems,
sings of the quarrels between the advo-
Gates OF rival religions. The dispute
waxed warm, aud the decision was at
3ength left to royalty. On the appoints
ell day there was a great gathering OF
the disputsnts, who appeared before the
King and Queen. The pros and cons
were argued for many hours, until the
royal umpire began to grow sleepy.
When the arguments were concluded
the King left the decision to his royal
companion, who, turniog to the expec-
tant religious enthusiasts, advanced the
opinion that they both were in q very
unwholesome condition. This very
wise decision will serve to express the
condition OF the two opposing armies Of
scientists, who are wasting time, patience
aud energy over trihss, travelling in
circle and exhaustiDg both their read
ers ard themselves. The effects OF such
arguments are seen in the many toad
and snake stories now going the rounds
ofthe press. At no other time, have
there been 30 many old women who
remember to have seen Washington.
In former days a pestilence was an
nouDced by the appearance Of q flaming
comet; in the present day every fresh
scientific discovery ia ushered in with
equally important signs. When Mr..
Darwin published his Descent OF Man,
q whale was washed ashore on the
coast Of Nantucket when i. was dis
covered that monkeys possessed reli-
gious sentiment the sea serpent was
seen in several places at the same time.
As science advances, these portents will
become mere humorous, until even mon.
strous goose berries will become drug
in the market. In the meantime it is
cruel to unscientifc human
ity to assimilate them with praying
and asinine philosophers.
Flinging mud at mans divinity may be
q very amusing occupation, but it has
ceased to be novel. The new theory
that mokeys are religious may be true;
but If so, it is bitter satire on iufdel
scientists. Monkeys find an efficacy in
prayer it is only their wise descendant IS
who, with more brains, have lees rev.
erance than their ascidian ancestors.