The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1873-03-08
VARIETY.

SURE.-Some descendant of Solomon has wisely
remarked, that those who go to law for damages
are sure to get them.
CERTAINLY May leave a few tracts -
nsked quack doctor Of the lady of the house
- Certainly, with the heel toward the house.
BRNCs TEARs.-'' It is such kindnesses as these
that bring tears to our eyes, the editor sai
in acknowledging gift of peck of onions.
a PHENoNENOS-A lecturer undertook to ex-
plain to a village audience the word 4" "phenome-
non - Maybe YOU d IN Z know what "A p!enu-
menOn is Well, | will tell you. You have seen
COW, no doubt Well, COW is not a phenOme-
non. You have seen apple tree. Well, an
apple tree is not phenomenon. But when you
see the cuw 60 up the tree tail foremost and pick
tho fruit. 1t IS phenomenon"
The editor OF the Dubuque Herald has a miIder
way OF making denials than that in common
hereabOuts. Somebody having accused him Of
being a - rebel sympathizer," he says: ANY
who alleges such allegations alleged. draws
unwnrranted inference from the assumption
This now is enough to shut the mouth Of any
alligator
An Alabama editor, having read DIR. Halls lee
ture advising that husband and wife should sleep
in separate apartments, says that DIR. Hall can
sleep where he chooses, but for himself he in
tends % sleep where he defend his wife
against rats and all other nocturnal foes as long
Rs he has one To defend.
Hrs LAST SMLE.-A sanguine young Atchison
blacksmith in Kansas had faith in his ability to
make himself the receptacle Of four Pints of raw
whisky within fifteen minutes. He wagered
twenty-five dollars to that effect with skeptic of
his neIghbOrhOOd, and made a suburban bar
room the scene Of his british performance. Up
the neat and Oruamented tombstone IN
process Of erection will be inscribed the simple
epItaph, - He smiled and died"
Prince Bismarck recently said, in letter to a
hon
displelsure n Republic established in France, be-
lieying that any attempt TO restore Il monarchy
would he the signal for civil var. At the same
time if the Radicals came into power, Prussia
would change her attitude, refuse TO accept the
installments of the indemnity before becoming
due, and prOlOng the occupation of French terri
tory President Theirs has been unofhcially
Informed of this statement.
Henry Ward Beecher's first public reference to
the Woodruff scandal was made in this little
speech, the other day, in response to an offer by
his congregation to increase his salary SO, 900
year: My dear friends, don't see why, be-
cause have been unfortunate enough to be as
sailed by a nameless animal in its own peculiar
way, that yOu should seek to protect me from
future attacks By covering me with bank notes
Innocence and rectItude are man s best security
would rather have your confidence than all the
money IN Wall strees. Give your faith and
love, and besJow your extra $4,000 on the poor
and needy
One Of the severest personal misfortunes re-
sultIng from the Boston fire is related of a mid
dIe-aged gentleman, who with his vile and chill
dren, living at the South End. enjoyed income
before the ire, arising mainly from SOME $780,
900 invested in Insurance stocks. With the
calamity all OF this property was swept away,
leaving him poor man. Ii was a terrible blow.
But his loving wife. though reared in the lap Of
luxury and unused to the care and perplexities of
life quietly rO-e above the wreck and ruin dis
posed OF her Jewels, and with such means she
was able to command, makes her debut as a land
lady Of South End boarding and lodging house.
Long John Wentworth OF Chicago is put for
ward a. a candidate for the vacant throne Of the
Sandwich Islands. He undoubtedly has some
strong qualifications for the place Mark Twain
describes the beverage peculiar 10 that country,
4tra n something beside which a. whiskey is
mere fJoIlshness.'F 1t is probably that insiduous
drink which has made 50 many drunkards IN the
islands. II there is any in the world who
can successfully wrestlc with IL, that man is Long
John. HIS aIimenrary canal Is so long that il
dissipates the effect OF the most powerful beyer-
ncc while IL increases the delights Ot indulgence:
aud it i 50 flr from his stomach his brain that
Communication is difficult and uncertain. lie
would have 10 mix with his the essence OF an
active volcano 10 feel 1t at all.-ADl. paper.
That was n sad ending Of the Coliseum and the
great Jubilee when recently Mr.. Bird. ian omin-
Gus name for BOston) with his little hammer,
knocked down the gigantic structure and its
various appointments to the highest bidders.
Through It's rude arches, and among the Hutter-
ing decorations, the voice of the auctiOneer
sounded, going, going" and 500 900 feet of
lumber and ten tons Of bolts and nails. which
had been put together at Gust of $3.50, 900,
went for Sl0.500. Decorations, which cost Sl2,-
OOO were sold for $3.50, and settees, chairs, lead
pipe, ETC., swelled the 80 demnition total " to
si3. .662 S5. There is one consolatOry considera-
tion uingling with sympathy for that execu-
tive committee in its hard experience-it will
never do so again Gilmore himself has had hie