The Republican journal., 1873-11-27
Tho Obituary Department.

have been bcreavcd of their relatives to
give expression to their feelings in poeti-
cal form, reflected that it might perhaps
pc good thing to introduce to his paper
a department OF obituary poetry. He con-
sldered whether if when an individual in
serted fifty cents worth OF death notice,
the establishment should contribute gra-
tultously half-a-dollara' worth of mortality
stanzas, his paper would not at once be-
come the most popular vehicle tor the con-
yeyancc Of that popular form of melan-
choly intelligence TO the public. And Mr
Brimmer rightly estimated that, rs most
newspaper readers seem to take deeper
interest in such sepulchral news than in
information Of any other Kind, the journal
containing the largest supply would have
the greatest number Of subscribers. SO
Mr. Brimmer determined that he would,
as an experiment at any rate, engage an
obituary poet for short time, with the
purpose to give him permanent employ
mcnt it the plan seemed to take with the
public. Accordingly he sent for Mr. REM
ingt0n OFT, a constructor Of verses, who
had frequently contributed to tho columns
Of The Morning Glory poems Of what
would have been considered by 4 tastidl-
Gus student of English literature an appal-
ling and revolutionary character. Mr..
Brimmcr soon effected an arrangement
with the bard, by which il was agreed
that OFT should take position in the office
for a short time, and whenever death
notice arrived he should Immediately en-
dcavor to grind out some verses expires
siye Of the situation
''You understand, Mr.. OFT" explained
Alr Brimmer. that when the death of an
individual is announced, want you, as it
were, to cheer the afflicted family with the
resources Of your noble art | wish you
to throw yourself, you may say into their
situation, and to give them verse or two
about the corpse which Will seem to be the
expression Of the emotion Of the hearts OF
the living
''To Tighten the gloom i'll Il certain
sense, suppose? ?" said Mr.. OFT.
'Prccisely. Tighten the gloom. DO not
mourn over the departed; but rather take
a joyous view Of death, which, after all,
Mr. OFT, is, as it were but the entrance to
better life Therefore, ] would advise
you to touch the hcart-strings of the af-
tlicted with a tender hand, and endcavor,
for instance, to divert their minds from
''Relrain from dependency, ! suppose,
and lift their thoughts to -
Just SO. And at the same time COM
bine eleyating sentiment with such practl'
cal Information rs you can obtain from the
advertisement, Throw glamour of poesy
for instance over the commonplace de
tails OF the everyday lie Of the deceased
People are fond of minute descriptions
Some facts useful for this purpose may bC
obtained from the man who brings the no
ticc to the Office others YOU may readily
| supply from Your imagination
III throw off stanzas." said Mr.. Ott, ii
such 4 manner that people will want thcil
| friends to die for the sake Of the poetry
"But above ALL" continued the editor
take bright view Of the matter always
| Make the sunshine of smiles, rs it We're
! burst through tho tempest Of tears; and
| if we don't make The Morning Glory hun
/ around among the mOurners Of this town
my name is not Brilnmcr"
| The next day Remington OFT Went OF
| duty e~A p-:--,'rnr mn down tn the sea
y nc for 4 breath OF air. All through Il.
! daF death-nOticcs came pouring i'll, and
/ when one would reach OFT. he would seiZt
| it and study il up to ascertain the particu
| lars Then he would rush up stairs, loci
himself in his room. take down his rhvm
ing dictionary, run his fingers through hi
/ hair, and hack away for half an hour at
| piece Of paper until he considered that HI
| hal that poetry in Il shape which Woulc
make the stricken family feel proud Of til,
corpse When The day 5 work VA, done
Ou went home with q conviction that Tn,
Morning Glory had finally robbed Deatl
Of its tcrrors, and made life comparative
| " valucle>-
IN the morning Mr. Oh proceeded calla
| ly to the office for the purpose OF cmbalm
inc in sympathetic verse the memories o
other departed ones As he came near tt
the establishment he observed a crowd Q
five OF six thousand people in front of it.
struggling to get into the door Climbing
Il trcc. he overlooked the crowd, and coul'
sec within the Office the clerks selling pa
pers 4, fast rs they could handle them
while the mob pushed and iammcd an'
yelled in frantic efforts to obtain copies
the presses in the cellcr meanwhile clang
inc away like mad Upon the curbston
in front Of him there was = lnc OF mel
stretching down the street for four squares
each man engaged in reading he Morn
inc Glory with an earnesness that Mi OF
had never before seen displayed by tn
patrons of that sheet. The bard conclud
cd either that his poetry had touched
sympathetic chord in the popular heart, 2
that an appalling disaster had occurred il
some quarter OF The globe. lie wen
around to the back of the office and a.
cended to the editorial rooms AS lie ap
preached the sanct IN, loud voices wcr
heard within Mr.. Ott determined TO rs
certain the cause before entering. He oh
tanned a chair and, placing it by the ,id'
door he mounted and pceped over th'
door through the ransom. There sat j
A. Brimmer holding The Morning Glor,
in both hands while the fringe which grew
in semi-circle around the edge Of his bal'
head stood straight out, until he seemed
to resemble q gigantic gun-swab. Tw'
or three persons stood in front Of him IL
| threatening attitudes OFT heard one o
them say:
MY name is McGluc. sir, William
McGlue am a brother Of the late Alex
ander McGluc, | picked up your pape
this morning, and perceived in it an out
rageous insult to my deceased relative
and | come around to demand, sill VIVA.
DO YOU MEAN BY the following intamon
| language?
| The death anger smote Alexander Mctilur,
| And gave him protracted repose;
| He wore check shirt and number nine shoe
And he had pink wart on his nose.
No doubt he is happier dwelling in space
| Over there on the evergreen shore.
| His friends are informed that his funeral take
place
Precisely at quarter past four
This is simply diabolical. My lat
brother had no wart on his nose, sir. H'
had upon his nose neither a pink wart, no
a green wart, nor creamcolored wart
nor . wart Of any other color. II is
gratuitous insult to my family, and dis
tinctly want you to say what you mean b,
such conduct.'
'%Reallv, sin" said Brimmer, lit is
mistake This is the horrible work OF al
incendiary miscreant whom | trusted as
brother He shall be punished by my owl
hand for this outrage. y pink Wart
awful sir-awtul. The miserable scoun
drcl shall suffer for this-he shall, indeed.
'How could / know" murmurcd Ott
out there by himself, THAT the corpse
hadn't q pink wart? l used to know
| man namo Mc(,1un aud hf had one and