The workingman's advocate. [volume] (Chicago [Ill.]) 1864-1877, 1873-08-16
Those Carpets.

Inc USUAL CcTcmOLly OI taxing up, anu
putting down, carpets, is almost upon US.
1t is one Of the ills which flesh il heir to,
and cannot be avoided. You 90 home some
pleasant spring day, at peace with the
world, and find the baby with clean face,
and you get your favorite pudding for din
ner. Then your wife tells you how much
younger You are looking, and she really
hopes she can turn that walking dress she
wore last fall, and save. the expense If .
new suit, and then she asks you il YOU
can't just help her about taking up the car
pet. II you are q fool, and you generally
are by that time, you tell her, of course you
can, just a. well a. not. Then she gets .
saucer for the tacks, and stands and holds
it, and you get the claw and get down on
your knees and begin to help her. You
feel quite economical Abont the first three
tucks, and take them out carefully, and
put them in the saucer Your wife il good
about holding the saucer, and beguiles you
with an interesting story about how your
neighbor's little boy is not expected to live
till morning. Then you come to the tack
with crooked head, and you get the claw
under it and the head comes Of, and the
carpet comes of, and it won't do to leave
the tacK in the floor, because it viii tear
the carpet when it is put down again, you
go to work and skin your knuckles. and get
q silver under your thumb nail, and tell
your wife to shut up about That everlasting
boy, and make up your mind that it does
not make any difference about that tack,
and so you begin on the corner where the
carpet is doubled two or three times, and
has been nailed Gown with a single nail.
You don care continental about saving
the nail, because you find that it is not
good time for the practice of economy, but
Pou do feel little hurt when both clauses
break OF from the claw, and the nail does
not bulge peg. Then your manhood as
serts itself, and you rise in your might,
and throw the carpet claw at the dog, and
get hold Of the carpet with both hands, and
the air is full of dust and flying tacks, and
here Is fringe of carpet yarn all along the
mop-board, and the baby cries, and the cat
goes anywhere, anywhere out Of the world,
and your wife says you ought to be ashamed
OF yourself to talk so-but that carpet
comes up. Then you lift one side of the
stove, and your wife tries to get the carpet
from under it, but can't, because you are
standing on it. So you try a new hole, and
Just after your back breaks the carpet is
clear. You are not through yet Your
vile don't tell you any more little stories,
but gets your old coat and hangs it on you
and opens the back door and shoves YOU
out, and intimates that the CARPET needs
whipping. When you hang the tormentinp
thing across the clothes line the wrong way
and get it righted, and have it slide off into
the mud, and hang It up again, and get half
pint Of dust and three broken tacks snap
ped out of the northwest corner into your
mouth by the wind, you make some obser-
vations which you neglected to mention
while in the house. Then you hunt up a
stick and go for that carpet.
The first blow hides the sun, and all the
fair face of nature, behind cloud of dust.
and, right in the center of that cloud, with
the wind square in your face, no matter
how you stand, you WELD that cudgel until
both hands are blistered and the milk of
human kindness curdles in your bosom
You can whip the carpet alongsr or shorter
period, according to the size of your mad
it don't make any difference to the carpet,
it is just as dusty and fuzzy and disagree
able after you have whipped it two hours
as it was when you commenced. Then you
bundle 1t up, with one corner dragging and
stumble into the house. and have more
trouble with the stove, and fail to find any
way of using the carpet stretcher while you
stand on the carpet, and fail to find any
place to stand, of from the carpet, and you
get on your knees again, while your wife
holds the saucer, and, with blind confidence
hands you broken tacks, crooked tacks,
tacks with no points, tacks with no heads.
tacks with no feathers, tacks with the big
gest end at the point
Finally, the carpet is down, and the baby
comes back, and the cat comes back, and
the dog comes back, and your wife smiles
sweetly, and says she is glad that job is of
her mind. As it is too late to do anything
else, you sit by the fire and smoke, with
the inner consciousness that you are the
man in America. The next day
you hear your wife tell friend that she 10
tired she took up and put down that great
heavy carpet yesterday.