The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1873-09-06
VARIETY.

Has ALTERED IT.-Owing to a lack OF patro-
mage, the owner of n town hearse in Vermont has
altered that melancholy vehicle into Il milk cart
The latest in the way of elEpraise is an Indi-
ana editor who played few tunes on an old banjo,
under his Office window and then thanked the
serenader in hIs next issue for delightful music.
Coop ADyIcE-Josh Billings gives the follow
ing advice to young men: - Don't be discour-
aged if your mustach don't grow it sometimes
happens where mustach duz the best, nothing
else duz so well"
MoRIGAGEs.--Being bantered on the one hun
dred millions Of Boston mortgages in Chicago, the
Times Of that city retorts by saying that it is
proud of the aforesaid mortgages, as every mort
cage is "A mark of confidence.
ONLY Two.-A Teuton, disguised with the dis
respect Of Good Friday by the Yankees, exclaimed,
- Mein Colts What n country, What n pee
pies Only two holy days, and one IS Fourth Of
July, and the other April Fools
SHoRT-SlGHTED.-A valet, throwing open the
door, announces y visitor; his master, who is
very shOrt-sighted, advances before fixing his
gasses, shakes the valet by both hands, hopes his
lady is well, and orders the visitor to put wood on
the fire.
HALF-PAsT.-A little girl came into one of our
shoe stores the other day, to take shoes home for
her mother 10 select from. " What number does
your mother wear, sissy?' asked the merchant.
''She told me to bring some halEpast fours, re-
piled the little girl.
The MAJESTIC ANswEE.-A Portland man was
caught fishing for trout on another mans land,
the other day; the owner demonstrated, but re-
tired III silence before the majestic answer:
Who wants to catch your trout? I'm only try
ing to drown this worm"
4 D1sGUsTED DEAcoN-A Georgia deacon, who
had been n stout opponent of n new organ which
his church had purchased, when called upon re-
Gently 20 close the service said, - Call the
chine. If it can sing the glory of God, it can
pray too. Call on the machine"
HIS PREFERENCE Mamma (relding to nice
boy)-fs The Esquimaux are n very dirty people,
and wash but once n year-in the Summer season
but you, Johnny, will be n clean boy, and wash
like an American, won't you?'' Nice boy
- No, mother; I'll be an Esquimaux; please,
mother"
Kate Field writes from London that Mark Twain
has been endeayorng to instll civilization into
the Shah by sitting on the floor and playing draw
poker, and says that his august pupil makes won
derful progress in this great American game, and
will soon be able to play against the American
minister the brilliant editor of the Louisville
CourieT-JOITnGI, who now pines in May Fair for
a partner worthy Of his deal
In the new issue of the New York City Direct
ory Just published, there appear some singular
names. There are Il Frames, , Pickups, l
Pickles, Ship, 3 Crews, 3 Hearty, ) Sick, To-
sick. . Well, 5 Weller, and I Togood. Then
there are Noahs, and l Ark, 3 Furs, l Feather,
3 Pilgrims, 6 Staffs, Car and g Drivers, Mean
and > Lovely, COnstables with I Club, , Jury
and 6 Foreman. There may also be found Ca
narys and 80 Singers, Dollar and Shillings,
Bowels, Is Houses, l Roof and Leaks, . Fast,
. Slow, I Sly, I Fatt, and 10 Loud, . Hens,
Chick and l Duck, Clock and Hands, Is
Christians. Sinners, and Devil, Scow and
Sailors.
The following is 4 verbatim report of an - OBJ
ituary speech . made not long ago in the Texas
Legislature. The orator, in lamenting on the
death of Col. Yell, n colleague, proceeds -" Mr..
Speaker, 1t becomes my duty TO announce that
Andrew jackson Yell, member of this body, is no
more. He fell n victim to the grim and destroy
inc tyrant, Death, who yesterday put az end To
his mortal career; and he now lies Hfeless ut the
uleasant clearinghouse Of Mrs. Jones, on the
hill, where he and many other members of this
yerc House have long received every care and at
tention from that inestimable lady. His room
being now vacant and available for some other
boarder-'' Here the gushing eulogist was In
terrupted by D member, who rose 20 . 4 pint OF
order" He wished TO know if 1t was IN order
for any member of this yere House, in his
speech unto the memory of 4 departed member,
20 bring IN bOarding-hOuse KEEP by his aunt, and
furnished by hisself2'' The speaker deciding
that the point was not well taken, the culogist
continued-ss All this is too sollum IN occasion,
Mr.. Speaker, for me to notice any sich lmperdence
and side remarks rs that air. / thought some in
famous hyena would he out here to-day, howlin'
round the grave Of our departed friend, foamin,
at the mouth, gnashing his toothless jaws, and
drooIin' out his Intellectual and impertent rage.
With his hide all kivered over with welts, all sore
and disgustin' from the lash and hot poker Of
herewith he rolls over and over, and bites and
tears and soils hisself, till he is justly offensive
20 this House But TO resOom my melancholy
subjek. The deceased, Mr.. Speaker, intrenched
in the glorious armour of patriotism, with his
hand on this ycre record Of his'n, could look the
American eagle proudly In the eye, and defy chain
Iightnin' in any shape, from any quarter it
might come; but at last, when prostrated and
emaeiated, he died his Frustrated bed ut the
pleasant boardin' hOuse Of Mrs. Jones, on the
hill -