Washington standard. [volume] (Olympia, Wash. Territory) 1860-1921, 1873-12-20
ANOTHER HARD SHELL" SERMON.
Southern Piety aud Pulpit Oratory.

In the autumn of 1880 I attended a
Methodist camp-meeting in the inter-
ior of Georgia, and heard sermon
which have never been able to forget
or describe. I have attempted several
times to write it. But it cannot be put
on paper. The main force of it was in
the snuffing and splitting and groaning
and hound-after-a-fox sort of yelp and
whine, to which no pen can do justice.
1t must be intoned to be appreciated.
I have preached it thousand times for
the amusement of friends, and have
been satisfied with my effort. I have
used as a remedial agent in exercising
the demons of hypochondria, and have
never failed " to send them down o steep
place, or somewhere else, to the great
relief of the sufferer.
The speaker had just been licensed,
and it was his first sermon. In per-
son he was small, bullet-headed, Of a
fair, sandy complexion, and his coun-
tenance was indicative of sincerity and
honesty. His remarks evinced great
reverence for the works of God as man
ifcsted in zoology and natural history,
was taking up the Bible in regular
order for the first time in his life" He
had gotten as far as the history of
Noah, the ark, the flood, etc. Besides
"just before his conversion he had
been reading Goldsmith's Animated
Nater,' and the two together, by the
aid and assistance of the sperit, had
led him into powerful train of think
ing as he stood at his workbench day
in and day out" But, whatever his
sermon may have been, it was his own.
The text was: " AS it was in the days
of Noah, so shall the coming of the
Son of Man be- After commenting
upon that portion of Genesis descrip-
tive of the flood, he warmed up sud-
denly, and broke out in the following
stiiiIis:
Yes, my brethren, the heavens of
the windows was opened-ah, and the
floods of the s-r-o-a-t..deep kivered the
watcrs-ah, and there was Shem, and
there was Ham, and there was ia
phetah, and all a-gwine into the ark
ali.
And there was the elephant-ah, /,
that great animal-ah, of which Gold
smith described in his Animated Nat
r'ah, what is as big horse-ah, and
his bones rs big as Il tree-ah, depend
lug somewhat on the size of the tree-ah,
all a-gwine into the ark-ah. And
the heavens of the windows was opened
ali, and the floods of the g-I-e-a-t deep
kivered the waters-ah, there was Shem,
and there was Ham, and there was ia
phet-ah, all a-gwine into the ark-ah.
" And there was the hippopoptamus-
all, that great animal-ah, of which
Goldsmith describes in his Animated
Nater-ah, what has great horn-ah
a-stickin' right straight up out of his
foreward-ah, six fe ct long-ah, more OF
less-ah, depending somewhat on the
length of it-ah, all a-gwine into the
ark-ah.
" And there was the giraffe -ah, my
bretherin, that ill-contrived reptile of
which Goldsmith describes in his Ami
mated Nater-ah, whose forelegs is
twenty-five feet long-ah, more or less
ah, depending somewhat on the length
of 'em-ah, and neck so long that he
can eat hay offthe top of barn-ah, de-
pending somewhat on the height of the
barn-ah, all a-gwine into the ark-ah.
And the heavens of the windows was
opened-ah, and the floods of the great
deep kivered the waters-ah; and there
was Ham, and there was Shem, and
there was Japhet-ah, all a-gwine into
the ark-ah.
"And there was the zebra, my breth-
eren-ah, that beautiful animal of
which Goldsmith describes in his An
mated Nater'-ah, which has three hun
dred stripes a-runnin' right round his
body-ah, more or less, depending some
what on the number of st1ipes-ah, and
nary two stripes alike-ah all a-gwine
into the ark-ah.
"And there was the anaconder-ah,
that great sarpint of which Gold
smith describes in his Animated Nat
er'-ah, what can swallow six oxens at a
meal, provided his appetite don't call
for less-ah, all a-gwine into the ark
all. And the heavens of the windows
was opened-ah, and the floods of the