Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1873-12-19
HUMoR.

/! The editor of the Louisiana Mo-, press, ~
in relating what he knows about farming,
touches up the hog question in this style:
tsTo make Berkshire pigs out ofyour hazel
splitters, select cool day, stand them on
their hams, tied to sapling, and drive
their noses back into their shoulders, leav-
ing about an inch protrudiug. If you look
at the agricultural papers, you will see
that all blooded hogs are fixed in that way.
If you have any whose noses are longer
than the rest of the body, better sell them
to an artesian well company for drills, as
YOU cannot drive the nose back without
telescoping the whole pig. When you cut
up hogs, leave the ham square, leave some
hair too, salt everlastingly, and they will
be worth several cents less per pound than
when trimmed and cured so.that Chris
tian can eat them"
ssNow, Johnny" said venerable lady
to her six-year-old nephew, who persistent
ly denied an offense of which she accused
him, 81 know you are not telling the truth;
/ see it in your eye." Pulling down the
lower lid Of the organ that had SO nearly
betrayed his want of veracity, Johnny ex-
ultingly replied: "You can't tell anything
about it aunt; that eye was always little
streaked.'' r
Louisville has unwittingly committed
itself to grand temperance reform by vo-
ting to send drunkards home instead of to
the lookup. Not even the most confirmed
inebriates require second treatment. They
generally come out about the third day a
little more bald, and with ascared look
about the eyes that tells of the Christening
influence of good Christian home.
Another dreadful warning to snuff takers
comes from Columbus, Ohio, where may
be seen the man whom snuff sent to the
penitentiary. One night, when robbing
bank, yielding to depraved appetite, he
took pinch, and the fatal sneeze betrayed
him. That sneeze, too, was his last, for in
the penitentiary he is denied snuff.
A young lady upbraided an admirer for
his firtations during a long absence. "You
are too bad to be pardoned, 'she said, "but
if discard you shall punish myself most,
and so will ignore what is past, and en-
joy your society as much as I can while l
live, for when die shall never see you
any more-I am going to heaven.
Active journalism receives it's fresh il
lustration in the case of a California re-
porter, who, in order to get the facts of an
inquiry into ministerial scandal, has been
driven every day from the organ gallery to
the baptistry and thence to the roof.
Johnny attends school, which will ex-
plain the following short dialogue between
him and his father: Johnny, l didn't
know you got whipped the other day."
said he. 'You didn't? Well, if you'd
been in my breaches you'd have known
ito
That was good advice which an old man
gave to his sons: 'Boys, don't you ever
speculate or wait for something to turnup.
You might just as well go sit down on
stone in the middle of meadow, with
pail 'twixt:your legs and wait for a cow to
back up to you to be MIXED"
The editor of the Chicago s'Times'' is
urged to sell his right to the word s'else-
where, y which has been used SO frequently
in that paper for several years. A Louis
vile editor wants to exchange it for half
interest in the word recently" but the
Stiffness man is not disposed to trade.
A Philadelphia paper of recent date
furnishes the startling information that
ssAurius Manlius Severinus Bethius,''
celebrated Latin philosopher, was behead-
ed by King Theodore thirteen hundred
and forty eight years ago yesterday"
A s.reader''in New Britain very truth
fully and Indignantly asserts that no wo-
man, however nervous she may be, has a
right to wake her husband from sound
sleep to tell him on his inquiring what is
the matter, Nothing, only 1 wanted to
know if you were awake.''
The Herkimer Democrat" asks ''Who
is there that is not chained to some rock of
the past, with the vulture of Memory tear
ing at his vitals, screaming forever in the
ear OF Conscience ~
ssHave you seen my black-faced ante
lope ?'' inquired Mr.. Leoscope, who had a
collection of animals, Of his friend Bottle
jack. "No, l haven't. Whom did your
black-face aunt elope with 20
A Kansas City tombstone pays the fol-
lowing beautiful tribute to innocence
s'With yell and whoop,
He died of the Group"
At prayer meeting in Maine, few
days ago, one of the members prayed,
ssLord, thou knowest that Charles Thomp-
kins has sold poor boots to some of u.s.
Make him do the fair thing"
The "Congregationalist, :" after growing
at printers blunders, says: sit is as much
as sentiments life is worth to travel from
New York to Chicago
Economy is said to be carried to such an
extent in town in Michigan that the pa
per mills have been compelled to suspend
operations for want of rags.
Boston is said to have an election official
who, after searching the "N's'' through,
said he could not find certain Mr.. Knights
name ON the voting list,
Washing machines will he more fashion
able than ever this winter, and many
vo,,no ladies' will take their first Lesson in