The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-08-01
HUMOROUS.

| Wisconsin man, to administer on the
estate of neiohbor recently deceased,
I was greatly annoyed by solicitations
for an order for the grave-stones Tor the
departed. After some three or four
weeks, a very gentlemanly marble
man" introduced himself, told me ms
business, and asked for "the lob.
replied that as soon as it was known
that person was dangerously Ill,
grave-stone man made his appearance,
demanded "the job, and asked tor the
inscription for the headstone. lie re-
piled that he knew it was so, and added,
''I don't do il, and won't, for 1t isn't
decent but often find myself IN the
same fix that Deacon - was IN
4" How was that ?" asked. Why,
said he, cold Deacon B. had long
had his eye on Mrs. W, whose hus-
| band had for several weeks fingered on
the borders of the grave. "A few days
after tbe funeral of Brother W the
deacon made a friendly call ON the
widow and in the course of the conyer-
sation remarked that after proper time
had elapsed he proposed TO oter her
the consolation OF his hand and heart'
which he hoped would not be unac-
ceptable to her. 20 deacon, she re-
piled, you are too late Elder q
spoke to me at the grave u
Lord Eskgrove was avery "wordy
Judge. Lord Cockburn, IN his memo
rials, says he heard him, in eondsmning
a man to death for stabbing soldier,
aggravate the offense thus And not
only did You murder him, whereby ne
was bereaved of his life, but you did
thrust, or push, or pierce, or project, or
plopel the lethal weapon through the
belly-band of his regimental breeohee'
which were his masjesty's
The Idaho Statesman thus ISLANDERS
an Oregon minister " Near the close
of the day at camp-meeting in oregon
a short time ago, the local preacher
said / hope all the congregation VIII
be here by 10 O'Clock, for precisely az
that hour we will pass to the creek,
where shall baptize four adults ana
six adulteresses.
An exchange remarks that, notwith-
standing the fact that the recent tornado
in Iowa blew the feathers on from
poultry, we have yet TO hear single
instance of a woman losing her ialse
hair. The moral Of which II, that
chickens should use hair-plns when
venturing out in a tornado.
After the examination is over.
Exclaimed freshman Did 1 pass my
examination, professor Professor ("lth
proud scornJ-No, sir ON dances
freshie, radient with smiles. Professor
You misunderstood me You failed
sir Incorrigible freshie-Ahl J but
won bet, you see. Professor staggers'
The locomotive OF western ex-
press train collided with u hand-car,
and smashed the headlight. The CON
ductor was equal TO the occasion. he
Just stuck his diamond breastpin IN the
and the train moved nght
along.
The Missouri editorial convention
was opened with prayer by Elder Berry,
and the Troy Chief says that 1T may
have been opened by elderberry, but
well wager il was closed by Juni-
and old rye"
Three women, one at a time, mar
ried n rich Philadelphian, in order to
inherit his property, but he has buried
them all. and nov, at the age. OF 10, is
looking around for another 10 bury.
On n very pretty girls saying to
Leigh Hunt, ] am very sad, you see, he
replied, o no; you belong To the
other Jewish sect you are very iar,
see
-Obliging water-" Sausages; o
YES. sir. can recommend the sausages.
/ know the man as makes 'em =" Pa
tron-" HIM, it would have been better
if you had known the pig
Sylvester Brown of Ashtabula, o.,
when adiudRed not guilty OF the mur-
der of his wife, rose up and said
&" Gentlemen, think i can stand the
soda-water on this !"
"A noted English clergyman re-
TO people TO urn their dead.
Wouldn't he do better 10 show them
how to earn their living2
Hens are all ready TO begin their
spring gardening, and are disposed TO
complain because the gardens are not
yet constructed.
-Geor0in Francis Train is occu-
pying his time in London arranging for
the disposal of some of his Omaha lots
by lottery.
-Rasper. being told he looked seedy
and asked what business he was in, re-
piled '' The hardware business look at
my wardrobe"
Our ethnologlst says ls quite hhtu
raj that Tartars should pitch tents rath
er than build houses.
Inscription for q foundling hospi-
tai" Thus far and no farther"
Susan b. Anthony is said 10 have
invented a new dance.
Patrons Of neutrality-suspicious.
with marriageable daughters
Dangerous acquaintances-Those
who "take life cheerfully.
In these times we fight for ideas,
and newspapers are our fortresses.