Fayetteville observer. [volume] (Fayetteville, Tenn.) 1850-1966, 1873-10-09
How to Tell Shoddy.

How to Tell Shoddy.
4 voice-'But how can yol
tell 'shoddy' people, Mr.. Per
kins?"
This way, my friends. Wher
a strange family arrives at ouI
hotel you must watch then
closely. Divinity puts up GER
tain infalIible signs to distin.
guish the ignorant and vulgar
from the children of culture anC
virtue.
l. If the lady comes into the
parIor with diamond ring Oh
the outside Of her glove, it is
safe to ask how much she gets a
week. (''Hear, hearp and sew
eral ladies put their hands un-
der their paniers.)
2. fProvidence erects a dyed
mustache over the mouth of a
man, it is to show that he is a
gambleror vulgarism. (Cheers,
when two Americus Club men,
a gambler,and four Plug Uglies
from Baltimore, put their hands
over their mustaches.
3. If, when that new family
enter or leave the room, the gen
tlemen rush ahead, leaving the
ladies to follow, there is some
thing ''shoddy'' somewhere.
/. If the man presents the
ladies to the gentlemen, instead
Of vice versa, and they shake
hands on a first presentation,
then you may know they hail
from Oil City.
5. If when they go to dinner,
they DO nothing but loudly or
der the walters around, and talk
about wine, you can make up
your mind that they are the first
walters they ever had and the
only wine they ever drank. If
they pick their te15h at tn eta
bic, or take out their teeth and
rinse them in the tumbler, Ca
voice, Shoot EN- on the spotO
my friends, [ say that to
their teeth.
8. If, when the gentleman sits
in the parIor talking to a lady,
lie don't sit up straight, but
sprawls all over the sofa, puts
the sole of his boots on the la
dy's dress, on the furniture, Or
wipes his shoes on his own
white linen pantaloons, you'd
better refuse an Introduction to
him. applause, when eight
young fellows who sat with their
legs radiating like the wings of
a wind mill, sprawling one foot
cross-legged in the empty air,
themselvesrigh side up
Z. IF the ladies in that party
white wash their faces, redden
their lips, black their eyebrows
or bronze or'yeIlow their hair,
Just you think this is another
sign which Providence puts up
so you can shun them. Enamel
and dyed hair are social beacon
lights to enable you to keep off
the rocks Of CyPria. just you
keep away from such people,
for they are wolves in sleeps
clothing. 30
Voice from a young lady
'But we want to look beautiful,
Mr.. Perkins.
But this will not make you
beautiful, my children. Any
sweetheart who is SO shallow as
to take whitewash for the hu-
man skin, or rouge for the rose
of nature, is too much
Of sap-head to make a aagoOd
husband, and if he is smart e.
to see through your de-.
why he will surely leave
you in disgust. applause by
the gentlemen, when several la
dies wiped their faces with their
pocket handkerchiefs)
8. If, when his family gets
into their carriage to ride to the
lake, the ladies appear in gaudy
colors, throw over their laps a
bright yellow and red or blue
afghan, and the cOachman wears
a gold hat-band and a sprawl
tailed yellow livery, with veI-
vet collar, and holds brass-be-
spangled horses with white
reins, you may know that the
owner keeps a livery stable, !
and that this is his first carriage.
lVoice-"Hit 'em again Ell.
No, my friends, Eve said out.