Port Royal commercial and Beaufort County Republican. [volume] (Port Royal, S.C.) 1873-1874, 1873-11-27
THE FAT MANS DILEMMA.

ihL EAA NsAN'S D1LCmhAs
An English gentleman of true John
Bull propo-tions-weighing some eigh-
teen or twenty stone-had occasion
some years ago, anterior to the railroad
car, to travel in summer by stage-coach
from Oxford to London. The stage
carried six inside; and our hero en-
gagged two places Gas, in consideration
of his size, he usually did) for himself.
The other four seats were taken by Ok
ford students.
These youths, being lighter than our
modern Lambert, reached the stage be-
fore he did, and each snugly possessed
himself of q corner seat, leaving a
centre seat on each side vacant. The
round, good-natured face of John Bull
soon after appeared at the carriage
door; and, peeping into the vehicle
and observing the local arrangements,
it's owner said, with a smile: "You
see i am of pretty comfortable size,
gentlemen so I have taken two seats.
It will greatly oblige me if one of you
will kindly move into the opposite seat,
80 that may be able to enter"
"My good sir" said pert young
law-student, possession is nine-tenths
of the law. You engaged two seats.
There they are, one on each side. We
engaged one each, came first, entered
regularly into possession, and our titles
to the seats we occupy are indisputa-
ble."
CT do not dispute your titles" said
the other, "but trust to your polite
ness, seeing how the case stands, to
,ensble me.to pursue my journey"
90, hang politeness! said hopeful
young scion of some noble house, 81
have a horror of a middle seat, and
would not take one to oblige my grand
mother; it's ungraceful as well as un-
comfortable; and, besides, one has no
chance Of looking at the pretty girls
along the road. Good old gentleman,
arrange your concerns as you please
stick to my corner. And he leaned
back, yawned, and settled himself with
hopeless composure in his place.
Our csrpulent friend, though man
not easily discomposed, was somewhat
put out by this unmannerly obstinacy.
He turned to q smart-looking youth
with a simper on his face-a clerical
student who had hitherto sat in q
reyery, possibly thinking over his
chances of rich bene6ce in the future.
"Will you accommodate me ?" he asked ;
"this is the last stage that starts for
London to-day, and business of urgent
Importance calls me to town."
"Some temporal affair, no doubt,
said the graceless youth, with mock
gravity; "some speculation with filthy
lucre, for its object. Good father, at
your age your thoughts should turn
heayenward, instead of being confined
to the dull, heavy tabernacle of clay
that chains us to the earth" And his
companions roared with laughter at the
"good joke"
A glow of Indignation just colored
the strangers cheek but he mastered
the feeling in moment, and said, with
much composure to the fourth" Are
you also determined that shall lose
my place or will you oblige me by Ia
king central seat?"
GAY, do, Tom," said his lordship to
the person addressed "hessomething
in the way of your profession, quite
physiological curiosity. You ought to
accommodate him."
"May l be poisoned if l do - replied
the student of medicine. I'm dis
secting-room, he'd make an excellent
subject; but in a coach, this warm
weather, too Old gentleman, if you'll
put yourself under my care, I'll engage
in the course Of six week S, by judi
cious course of depletives, to save you
hereafter the expense of double seat.
But, really, to take middle seat in the
month of July is contrary to all the
rules OF hygiene, and practice to
which I have professional objection. !"
And the laugh was renewed at the
old gentleman's expense.
By this time, the patience of coachee,
who had listened to the latter part of
the dialogue, was exhausted. "Harkee,
gemmen," said he, "settle the business
as you like, but it wants just three
quarters of a minute of twelve, and
with the first stroke OF the University
clock nv horses must be of. I would
not wait three seconds longer for the
king, God bless him. Twould be as
much as my place isworth." And with
that he mounted his box, took up the
reins, bid the hostler shut the door, and
sat with upraised whip, listening for
the expected stroke.
As it sounded from the venerable bel
fry, the horses, as if they recognized
the signal, shot off at gallop with the
four young rogues, to whom their own
rudeness and our fat friends dilemma
afforded prolific theme for merriment
during the whole stage.
Meanwhile, the subject of their mirth
hired postchaise, followed and over
took them at the second change of
horses, where the passengers got out
ten minutes for lunch. AS the post
chaise drove up to the inn door, two
young chimney-sweeps passed with
their bags and brooms and their we'll
known cry.
"Come hither, my lads" said the
corpulent gentleman; "what say You to
q ride ?" - ...
The whites Of their eyes enlarged into
still more striking contrast with the
dark shades of the sooty cheeks. "Will
you have a ride, my boys, in the stage
eoach?"
"Ees, zur," said the elder, scarcely