Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-10-23
PHUNNYGRAMS.
-Guilt-edged paper-Forged notes.


"A big nose may be Justly called
nobby.
"A mans death was recently caused in
Iowa by spider. 1t was one of the iron
species-in the hands of his wife
1t has now become question as to
whether a phrenologist can tell what
barrel contains by examining its head,
1t is apparent to so many parents
that a great many children get on the
wrong track because the switch is mis-
placed.
-"What was the result cf tie tcis! off
that horse-stealer!" asked Missourian
of his neighbors "Oh, he was left in sus-
pense''
-"Te are the children of the devil"
was the text of divine in the morning,
and in the afternoon he said, Children,
obey your parents"
"A good article Of whisky is called
"Old Velvet" in Vicksburg, ard the pee
pie delight in clothing their insides with
it as with garment.
"A negro was put upon the stand as a
witness, and the judge inquired if he
knew the nature of an oath. For certain,
boss,' said the citizen eff swear to lie
| must stick to himr'
AT hotel table one boarder remark
ed to his neighbor: 'This must be
healthy place for chickens" 'Why"'
asked the other Because I never see
any dead ones hereabouts."
"A lady was examining an applicant
for the office of maid of ll-work, when
she Intercepted her as follows: well,
Mary can you scour tin ware with alac-
rity?" mo, ma'am; l always scour it
with sand"
"A chap who, after coming to a rail
road crossing the other day and reading
the sign, Look out for the locomotive"
climbed to the top, and, gazing down the
track, wanted to know "Where in thunder
the old thing was"
An old bachelor said There's sight
more iewelry worn nowadays than when
| was young; but there's one piece that |
always admire that don't often see now"
"What is that?" asked young lady "a
thimble," was the reply.
"A young man who knows all about it
states that his experience has taught him
that a f1irt is fool who delights in fool
ing fools, and the fool who is fooled by
such a fool is the foolishest kind of
fool. He's been fooled badly, we should
judge.
A minister travelling through the
West in a missionary capacity several
years ago, was holding an animated theo-
logical conversation with an old lady up
on whom he had called, in the course of
which he asked her what idea she had of
total depravity. "Oh," said she, II think
it is good doctrine if people would only
live up to it,
"A son of Erin once accosted rev.
erend disciple of Swedenborg thus: "Mr
-, you say that we are to follow the
same business in heaven that we do in
this world % Eyes, that is in perfect &C
cordance with reason; for the Creator
himself is not idle, and why should his
creatures be?'' "Well, thin, yer honor, do
people die there?" "Certainly not; they
are as immortal as the Creator himself"
Thin l should like to know, yer honor,
what they'll find for me to do, for I'm a
graredsgger in this world"
"A distinguished officer was lately
president of a courtmartial. He had
sworn witness, raw Irish recruit, and
held out his hand for the Bible Judge
OF his establishment at finding 1.-THE
hand, not the book-grasped and heartily
shaken by Pat, who, in the very broadest
brogue, said Its meself who is proud
and plased to hould the hand Of We, sir !;
and may Saint Patrick and all the saints
OF Guild Ireland bless yer honorn'
"A traveller, on his arrival in Chicago,
recently stopped for moment to examine
a coat hanging in front of clothing
store, when the proprietor rushed out and
asked, wouldn't you try on some coats?"
81 dunno hIyt T would - rocro,dod +l>
traveller, consulting his time-killer; and
he went in and began to work No mat
ter how often he found his fit, he called
for more coats, and after he tried on thir-
ty he looked at his watch, again resumed
his own garment, and walked off, saying
Il won't charge cent for what I've
done. Hang man who won't oblige
another when he can do it! If I'm ever
around this way again, and you've got
any more coats to try on, I'll do all can
to help you'll"
OVER one hundred ladies are STUDYING
10 f1,a 1Y,>s4