Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-10-16
PHUNNYGRAMS.

is stealing march'' worse thar
taking walk.'
One who always gets bread when he
kneads it-A baker.
To keep the feet warm.-Use hob
nails in your boots.
-Query.-Would it be proper to call ;
dancing master hop-merchant:
No matter how amiable lady may
be, fashion now demands that she shall
appear rutfled in public.
Mrs. Smith says her husband is like
a tallow candle, because he always will
smoke when he is going out
An ignorant old lady was asked by q
minister visiting her if She had religion
She replied: Il have slight touches of il
occasionally"
-''Who dat hit me? Where's dat Ian.
term" were the ordinations of an as
tonished Elmira darkey after been thrown
something like a hundred feet by loco
motive.
One of the best puns ever made by
the late Phoebe Cary, was this: "Why
was Robinson Crusoe's man Friday like
a rooster Because he scratched for him
self and Crusoe."
An Irishman, seeing a vessel very
heavily laden and scarcely above the
waters edge, exclaimed, Upon my sOwl,
if the river was but little higher, the
ship would go to the bottomm
A widow said to her daughter
"When you are at my age it will be time
enough to dream Of a husband" eyes,
mamma" replied the thoughtless girl,
"of second one" The mother tainted.
A new version of "Old Uncle Ned
has become popular in the suburbs. 1t
runs something as follows: "Then pull
up the wicket and the stake, and put by
the mallet and ball; for no more croquetn
be played this year, it's getting too late
in the fall
An American gives this report OF his
London travels: II asked the distance.
Well said my informant, 1T amt very
far It's about five drinks and cigar of
if you walk, or two drinks if you ride
That's a way they have of measuring dis
tances in London"
A deaf and dumb woman who had
been visiting Danbury to solicit aid, was
ANNOYED by some bad boys at the lower
end of the main street, and gave them a
talking to they will remember until their
diving dav. She said: "Hecter the affllct-
ed, will We? If I had you across my
knee for two minutes I'd make you ac-
quainted with astronomy"
A Sunday-school teacher was explain
ING the omnipresence of the Deity to his
scholars. and ended by telling them that
He was everywhere. Whereupon red-
headed boy asked: as He in my
pocket?" The teacher answered that the
question was rather profane, but he would
answer, Yes, He is everywhere" I've
got you there said the boy. Il ain
got no pocket"
A gentleman the other day saw his
daughter dipping her little doh-baby s
dress into tin cup and inquired: "N hat
are you doing, my daughter i IN cor,
oring nv dolls dress red" with what =
With beer" what put that foolish no
ton into your head, child? You can
color red with beer" es, can pa
because ma said it was beer that made
your nose red," And the man had puSl
ness that required him down town lmme'
diately.
The Ogden Junction, Utah news
paper, says: a pocket diary, plcHeu ub
in the street of a neighboring city, Wouiu
seem to indicate from the following cholct
extracts, that the owner was mea!ca
man: 'kase $50 Mary An Perkins
Bisnes, washwoman. Sickness IN hef oeu
Fisk, sum blue pills; soaperlflc;' age
So. Ped me one dollar, kuarter bogus
Mind get good kuarter and max her Tar
mo fisk. Kase 231. Tummus hr nS'
Bisines, Nirishman. Lives with faoS