Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-08-14
PHUNNYGRAMS.

"A Vermont woman undertook to paint
the cellar stairs She found a pail of
paint and commenced at the top, painting
herself into the cellar, and had to crawl
out of the cellar window
We never knew man to be elected to
an office of trust who carried horse chest
nuts in his pocket as preventive of rheu-
matism.-Danbuy Neaos.
lowing to the death of the editor
there won't be any Leader, Tuesday,"
| says Western paper, "but look out for
an old ripper on Wednesday,"
The Springfield Republican says that
Susan b. Anthony wants the name of the
Pullman cars altered either to Pullman
and-woman or Pull-irrespective-of sex
cars.
When you see a little girl with old
CATERS on her feet, crownless jockey on
her head, three brown paper packages in
her arms, and mouthful of candy, YOU
may know her mother is washing dan
bury Nea0s.
People who think they can wear moth
ing cheaper than $50 pants, should feel
OF a stoop before sitting on it. A Dan
bury, youth neglected this precaution,
sunday evening, and wore overalls Mon
day.
Forward and Loquacious Youth
by Jove, you know, upon my word,
noW-lf were to see ghost, you know,
l should be chattering idiot for the rest
Of my life!" Ingenious Maiden (dreamilv)
-"Haoe you seen host?"-Punch
An Alabama firm advertises: sNotice
to our patrons and the public: In conse-
quence OF the prevalence of cholera in
nelghboring cities, we will close our soda
fountain from this date. All tickets will
be redeemed in cash or.with very re-
liable cholera mixture"
The gushing young Virginia lawyer
who wanted to look into Kate Stoddard's
clear blue eyes and defend her, will have
to wait several weeks before he can see
into the said clear blue eyes His wife
took an observation of his and they will
remain closed for several DAYS.
"A Slawson woman unostentatiously
points to the fact that the funeral of her
late husband cost but eighty-two dollars,
which is fifteen dollars less than the
neighbors thought she could do it, and
yet there is not one of them who can say
that anything was spared to make the oc-
caslon success, and one long to be re-
membered by all who participated -
Donbury Neaos.
"A lady went to one of our Cry goods
stores, Monday, and bought five cents
worth of thread. Then she picked up
palm-leaf, and commented on the weather,
and getting her thread walked off with
both. The merchant closed his store as
early as possible, that evening, and taking
has aching head in his hands, sat down to
analyze the true value of that transaction
Da'ebury Ne,os.
From the Peoria Reuieu: an a Wig
Orous chase after rats, recently, a boy on
Jefferson street broke down shelf in the
cellar and inundated six Jars of pre-
serves. He gazed on the ruins without
sigh, caught and killed the rat, laid it
among the debris, and daubing his faith
full dogs nose and legs with the fruit,
sent him up stairs, while the boy hid in
the coal-shed. He heard feminine shrieks
of dismay, he heard the wrathful objurga-
lions Of his sire, he heard the unsuspect-
ing dog led into the backyard and Shot,
and spreading forth his hands, said sol
EMMY, Another victim of circumstantial
evidence"
An aged couple on Wooster street are
very fond of checkers, and play quite
frequently. When he beats at the game,
she loses her temper, and declares she
will not play again. 1t vexes him to
have her act so, but he controls the irri-
tatiOn, and talks to her about it. He tells
her how wrong it is for people at their
age in life to be disturbed by such trifles,
and shows her so clearly the folly of such
a course that she becomes ashamed of
her weakness, and returns to the game,
and plays it SO we'll that she beats him
Then he throws the checkers in one di-
rection, and kicks the board in another,
and says he will never play with anybody
who cheats so alfiredly, and stalks mood
lily to bed, and leaves her to pick up the
things-Danbury Ne,os.
"A Methodist preacher, having
charge in the southern portion of Giles
County, went to call upon one of his
members one day not long ago, and was
very cordially greeted, and earnestly en-
treated to make himself perfectly at home.
The lady then stepped out to wiring the
chicken, and when she came back found
the parson in the act of taking up the
ashes from the fireplace and putting them
in the scuttle, preparatory to carrying
them out "Lor-ze-me Brother -,
what are you doing that for?'' "You told
me to make myself at home, madam, and
if I'd been at home and found all these
ashes in the fireplace, | would certainly
have taken them up" Wilted, did She?
Don't you bet on Giles County lady be-
ing thus easily out-witted. She went
straight to the kitchen, stuck every feather
back on that chicken, sewed its head on,
and turned it loose, and the smart preach
er didn't get bite Of it.