The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1873-08-23
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

civil service tOnllllllct III N'iSIllIlG tpll
An applicant for clcrkship the distance ~
the planet Saturn from the earth The cNnd
date answered that he vas unable To state The
distance in miles, but did not think it sufficiently
near to interfere with the performance OF hi'
duties as a clerk. nor to hc@ct IN him desire It
NEEDLE with the rings.
4 few weeks ago paragraph went the rounds
of the papers to the effect that some bald-headcC
men were never long-lived. We thought at tht
time of Gen Cass, j. Quincy Adams, Henry Clay
&c, all of whom were bald headed, yet lived be
yond the allotted thrcc-s ore ten; but admit
ling the general statement tC be true, here Il
another paragraph that must afford world Of
comfort in lieu of capillary deficiency:
"My experience as a medical man. says an
eminent New York physician, shows that bald
headed men are seldom or never drunkards; and
that moreover Il bald-headcd man Is seldom
found in unatic asylum
A Strasburg, Pa, girl agreed TO kiss young
man every day for two years if he would stop
smoking He quit, and has smacked regularly
for six months, but the girl has taken to eating
onions, and he is unhappy.
To get even let the fellow occasionally nibblc
4 leek.
An eastern editor desires to know whether,
under the new regulations of the western rail
roads the Rocky Mountain passes are good since
the first of July He says he has half dozen in
his pocket. If he intends using them this sea
son. he had better select such as are protected
by snow-sheds.
The following pathetic lines are supposed to
have emanatcd from the obituary genius Of
the Philadelphia Ledger:
The death angel smote Alexander MCClue,
And gave him protractcd rcpose;
He wore checked shirt and number nine shoe,
And he had u pink wart on his nose.
No doubt he is happier dwelling in space
Over there on the evergreen shore.
His friends are informed that his funeral takes
place
Precisely quartcr-past four
Never form a friendship with Il man that
children will not go to- and dogs will not wag
their tails at. There's more in ii than you would
fanCy.-Er.
4 good test is to take him ncaryour bee hives.
The Kankakec gazette is Of opinion that Il
camp meeting will dcvelope more unalloycd
deyiltry than any other known institution, par
tcularly in youths Just cuItyatng turn-down
collars and squirting their first tobacco juice
through milk teeth" The idea OF the gazette
seems to be that the way to keep the devil quiet
is not to lrritatc him By holding Methodist camp
meetings
The editor Of the Waycrly q. " iFDoc9i'
iinds 1t necessary to explain:
The odd Fellows of this village were delighted
10 hear that the act recently published in the
OswcgO Gizettc, entitled "An act authorizing odd
Fellows to take cold, and convey real estate,
was simply mistake Of the intelligent compos- |
itor' Of that concern. 1t should read to take, |
-
great relief to many who had commenced sneez
ING already
A Georgia paper ckes out Il dcarth Of per
soaal items" in this fashion;
ST. Paul is away out west with Minnesota. St
John will spend the summer in New Brunswick.
Elmira is IN New York. Elizabeth Is in New
Jersey. Marietta is In Ohio. Charlotte II in
North Carolina and Augusta is down here in
Georgia. They don't intend visiting each ether
Since Captain Jack tcas,.t at La Sale on the
9Th OF JHIy everybody in that village Of a militia
~ turn wants to be called Jack. In the La Sale
Light Guards the Captain is Jack Day, the LIST
lieutenant Jack Beal, the ID lieutenant Jack
>kelly, and the 4th corporal is Jack of Spades
while the fayortc game Of the whole company ;
S hjghlowjack.
Certain Congregational ministers in Massachu-
etts being reported out of health and actually
differing for the nccessares of life, the O6s,ygt,
links that, if the churches are unable to unwil.
ng to remedy the evil, application for aid should
1e made TO the Sandwich Islands or to India :
The editor of the Millington Ent,yprise, now
hat the heated term is about over, offers a
aiming mill for sale.
Ih4r4 e.. OF, %, -