Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1873-08-06
A story Of a Bore.
Fred. rrover'. L,,t,o Irsn.c,ad.

Didn't ever tell you tho story! 1t
'is possible Drow up your chair.
Stick of wood, Harry. Smoker
You've heard Of my Uncle Pop
worth, though. Why, yes! You've
secn him:-the cminently respectable
elderly gentleman who came ono day
last summer just as you were going !;
book under his arm, you remember !;
weed OH his hat dry smile Oh bland
countenance; tall, lamk individual In
very seedy black. With him my tale
begins; for if had never INDUCED
in au Uncle Popworth l should never
have sported all 1ron-Clad.
Quite right, sir; his arrival was n
surprise to me. TO know how great
surprise, you must understand why
l loft city, friends, business, and set
tied down ia this quiet village. IL
was chiefly. sir, to escape the iascina-
tions of That worthy old gentleman
that J. bought this place, and took
refuge here with my wife aud little
ones. Here we had respite, respite
aud nepeuthe from our memories ot
Uncle Popworth; here we used to sit
down in the evening and talk of tho
past with grateful and tranquil emo
tions, us people speak of awful things
endured In days that are no more.
10 us the height of human happiness
was raising green corn and straw bcr-
ries, in u retired ueighborhuod where
uncles were unknown. But, sir, when
that phantom, tina vampire, that fate,
loomed before my vision that day, II
you had said, "Trovcr, I'll give ye
sixpcncc for this neat little box oi
YOURS" should have said, isDone!'
with the triiling proviso that you
should take my uncle in the bargain,
The matter with him? What in.
deed could invest human flesh will
such terrors,-what but this? be was
-hc is-let me shrek IT. in your car
u borc-a bore! of the most lnalig
nant type; an intolcra6lc, terrible, un'
mitigated bore!
That book under his arm was vol
ume of his own sermons;-nine hun
drcd and ninety-nime octave pages, @
Heaven! 1t wasn't enough for hin
TO preach and re-preach those apral
ling discourses, but then the ruthless
man must go and priut 'em! When
consider what buoksellers-wOrth!
men, 10 doubt, many cf them, de
serving well of their kind-hc mus
have talked nearly into state OF syn
cope before ever he found one to give
way, in n moment OF weakness, o.
utter exhaustion and despair, aut
consent to publish him; and when
reflect what numbers of inoflensivt
persons, in the quiet walks of life
have been made to suffer the inflic
ton of that .Bopc's Own Book.
pause, stand aghast at tho inscruta
bility of Divine Providence.
Don't think me profaue, and dom
for moment imagine underrate tlt
function of the preacher. There.
nothing better than good sermon
--one that puts new life into you
But what of a sermon that takes lifi
out of you? instead of spiritua
fountain, a spiritual sponge that ab
serbs your powers of body and soul
SO that the longer You listen the NOR,
you arc impoverished? A merly poo
sermon isn't so bad; YOU will find, j
YOU are the right kind OF n nearer
that it will suggest something bette
than itself; good hen will lay to
bit of carthcn. But the discourse o
your ministerial vampire, fasteniD.
by some mystical process upon th'
hearer who has life of his own,-
though not every one has that,-suck
and sucks and sucks; aud he is cxhaus
ed while the preacher is refresh
cd. So it happens that your bori
bore is never weary of his own Dor
ing; he thrives upon it; white In
seems to be giving, he is mysterious
ly taking in-he is drinking you
blood.
But you say nobody is obliged t.
read II sermon. o my unsup!listica
ted friend! if man will put hi
though1s-or his words, il thought
are lacking--between ncovers,-spreat
his banquet, and respectfully invit
Public Taste to partake of it, Publ
Taste being free to decline, and thcl
your observation is sound. If al
author quietly burries himself i'll hi
book,-very good! hic jacct; peace t
his ashes!
THE Times have been,
| That when the braius were out, the ma
would die,
And there an end; but now they rise again,
as Macbeth observes, with some con
fusion of syntaX, excusablc in o per
son of his circumstances. Now, sup
pose they-or hottie man who's,
brains are out-goes about with hi
coffin under his arm, like my worth,
uncle? and suppose he blandly, po
litelv, relentlessly insists upon read
ing TO YOU, out of that octave sarco
plagus, passages which in his opin
ion prove that lie is not only not dead
but imlnortal3 If such man be
stranger, snub him; if a casua! &C
|quaintunce, met i'll an evil hour, ther
is still hopc,-dOors have locks, All,
there are two sides to a street, all,
ncarsightedness is blessing, and Ga
a last resorD buttons may be sacrifi
ced (you remember Lambs story O
Coleridge). and left in the clutch O
fatal fingers. But one of your ow,
; Kindred, aud very respectable, ad
ding the claim OF misfortune to hi
other claims upon you,-paclytler
matous 10 Sights, smilingly persua
. sive, gently pcrsistent,-as impcrtui
hablc as IL ships wooden tigure-hea,
through all the ups and downs of tn
voyage OF life, and as ipsensible t
cold watrr;-in short, All uncle lik
my uncle, whom there was no gettip
rid of;-what the deuce would you do
Exactly; run away as did. Their
was nothing else to be done, unless
Indeed, had throttled the old gen
tlcman; III " hich case am confide,l
. that one of our modern model jurie
would have broght in the porula
verdict oi jus!iiiable insanity. But
being IL rcace.,ble man, was AYERS
to extreme measures. So did til
next best thlng,-consulted my wife
and retired to tins village.
Then consider the shock to m
, teeiiugs when | looked up that da
and saw the c"cmiv of our peac
stalking into our little Paradise wit
his book under his arm and carpet
bag in his hand! coming with hi
sermons and his shirts; prepared t
stay week, that is to say n veal
that is to say forever, if we woul,
suffer him,-and how was he to b
hindered by any desperate measure
short of burning the house down?
"My dear nepheww says he, strid
ing toward mc with eager steps, q
you perhaps remember, smiling Iii
eternally dry, leathery smile,-
"Nephew Frederickv"-and he he'll
out both hands to me, book in OH
and bag in t'other,-"I am rejoiced
One would almost think You ha
tried to hide away from your oil,
.. uncle! for Ive been three days hunt
ing you up. And how is Dolly? Sh
ought to be glad to see me, after al
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