Smyrna times., 1873-06-18
MiSceIIU2 10 e o IT, s.
My Name is Jones.

My name is Jones' l may also add that |
am called John. There is nothing remarkable
about such cOgnOmen. In my part of the
country you may meet with many who will
turn round when you utter the two words in
conjunction. | don't complain at my father
and mother being called Jones' | don't
grumble at my sponsors giving ME the name of
John. Both sounds are, in my opinion, de.
cidedly euphonious. But do wish that had
not quite SO many fellows sharing the appella-
tions with me. You will find good many
John Joneses in the DIRECTORY" You may
discover that about Uine live in the same street
as | do. This sort Of thing has many inconve-
niences. No doubt the j. j. IS are a worthy
lot Of men; but still there are black sheep
among them. The other day one of the nine
was sentenced to months imprisonment for
beating his wife. Now don't object to his
beating his wife, if she deserved chastisement
which was no doubt the case. Nor am at
all concerned that it is said he committed the
brutal act when he was in liquor, and that it
is further asserted that he is frequently in the
same state, and that when such is the case he
is one of the most dreadful blackguards that
could possibly be imagined. But | do think it
Is time to complain when am mistaken for the
John Jones in question, and cut by my friends
in consequence. | do think it time to speak up
when acquaintances make point of calling
upon my wife with the view of comforting her
and coinclding in her regrets that she is allied
to monster in human form. lose my temper
when told that these same friends have knocked
at the doors OF six other OF the John Jones
and asked, with commendable circumlocution
and dellcacy, when told of their mistake, to be
directed to the house of the John Jones who
has got himself into trouble. | do get up and
walk about the room when postal-cards and
letters arrive reproaching me with my crime or
condoling with my wife. If my neighbor John
Jones wants to get drunk and leather his WIFE
why the dickens can't he adopt some other
name2
John Jones! But people generally decline
to know me by any such title. have said that
there are about nine j. j. s in our street. If
you 60 to the neighbors to ask the way to my
residence, they will inquire whether you refer
to the lean Jones, the tat Jones' the Jones who
stammers IN his speech, the bow legged JONES'
the Jones who once attempted to cut his throat
the Jones who squints the Jones who has got
drunken wife, the Jones who takes checks at
the theatre, or the Jones with the red face and
large carbuncle on his nose. All my friends
call 1t carbuncle, though in reality it is only
a small spot. Indeed, they will persist in dub
bing me Carbuncle Jones. Is that pleasant?
The probability is that my weak points would
never be noticed if there were not SO many
other fellows called John Jones' What | want
to know IS, why these people were so chris
tened? Their parents and guardians might
have known what would be the result. You
feel the effects of being called John Jones at
Christmas. Sometimes my friends in the
country send me hampers containing all man
ner OF delicacies which don t improve after they
have been kept for a certain number of days.
Very often the railway-men leave the valuable
goods at some other John Jones. The other
John Jones frequently remains in sublime ig.
norance that the things are not meant
for him. lie processes to imagine that
they came from some unknown benefac.
tor, and makes use of them with great freedom.
VI course he is sorry when the mistake is dis
covered; of course he is ready to hand over
what is left OF the contents of the hampers ::
and, of course, he doesn't for a moment think
of making restitution for what he has con.
sumed. You expOstulate with the railway
men; and they express themselves with great
freedom to the effect that i. is entirely your own
fault IN having name which is worse than no
name at all. Last Christmas eve six John
Joneses called at my house to known if | had
: received hampers which belonged to them.
Five of them | sent away with fair words The
1 sixth declined to move until he had been per.
{ mitted to search my house, and so | was com
! PEELED to dispatch him with my boot That
Jsnes summoned Inc, and the magistrates
bound me over to keep the peace for six months!
|
. how the hampers get exchanged, and of how
; they are kept at the wrong places so long that
: when they reached my hands their contents
are not worth having. But, if [ say nothing
; feelall the more. Ifthere are things more than
I others about which ! am particular they are
my letters. like to keep them to myself But
;; L am not able to do So People will persist, in
: spite OF my earnest remOnstrances in address.
, ing my correspondence to Mr.. John Jones'
! | Rlank nd laou tbo ii
, my house, or putting wrong one. What is
r the resIltT Why the result is simply that my
affairs are known to everybody within the radiu.
7 of quarter of mile. My next-door neighbor
but one can tell you exactly how much owe
: my tailor, with the interesting information, il
addition, that unless the amount be paid by
: next week L shall be summoned to appear before
: the county court judge. The elderly spinster
Q who lives with her brother, six doors lower
Q down on the other side, will, if you prompt hel
properly, whisper in your ear that something il
, going on between a certain young lady and my
il self which my wife would not like. AS for tn,
: man and his wife who keep the little genera
! shop at the corner, they know precious ol
|. more about my private concerns than de
myself, and resolutely decline to allow me t.
run up score. AS like running up a score
\ feel this trife more than can well describe
e Now, supposing | do now and then open al
" envelope addressed to Mr.. John JONES' Blanl
p street. which is not intended for me, is that an
d reason why fellow should come and make
Z; great noise in my lobby? don't like to see
i respectable man do this, and object still NOR
+ tohave him shake horny fist within the eighth
It part of an inch from my nose, and call me
sneak. swindler, and other expressive titles
I: accompanying all this with statement to tn
= effect thatif ever offend again he will about d
: for me. ExDostulation leads to rows, as hav
= found, so L remain silent under such circum
4 stances. But, nevertheless, l object to thi
- sort Of thing. | suppose that shall get use
a. to it in time. ought to, for have plenty G
y opportunities of acquiring experience. l ofte
ID think of changing my name. But that cost
ID money. What Iwaut to know is, Why shoul
it? lwould suggest that the government shoul
q, make law to the effect that John Jones ca
I'd take new name without having for the alter,
tion.' Failing this, it should. Iaake.it pea