Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-08-21
PHUNNYGRAMS.

Win any considerable SucCeSS.-1Tue
Success IN Life, by Ray Palmer.
PHUNNYGRAMS.
Josh Billings says: 81 have often been
told that the best way is to take bull by
the horns; but, think, in many instan-
ces, | should prefer the tail hold"
-'Who dat hit me? Where's dat Ian
temp were the ordinations of an aston
ished Virginian darkey after being thrown
something like an hundred feet by loco
motive.
"A young man who enjoys the soubri-
quet OF Frank" in parting with young
lady the other night, endeavored to i'm
press his customary kiss, when she forci-
bly, pushed back his head, and said, ''No
sir you don't-the franhing privilege is
abolished"
Two men disputing about the pronun-
citation of the word ''either" Zone saying it
was eether, the other a-ther) agreed to refer
the matter to the first person they met
who happened to be an Irishman, who
confounded both by declaring, "It's nay
Their, for it's ayther"
MIR. Benjamin, of West street. is the
happy possessor of buff Cochin rooster
which shelters regularly every night a
family OF eight chickens, while his better
halt retlres to the roost. There's "wo
mans rights in the hen line-Danb,uy
Neaos.
The firm providing the English re-
| freshments at Vienna is not English The
thing is well managed, but it is not so en-
tirely British as it ought to be. For in
stance, the bill of fare of the "dai'' in
| I nsr e t>on i
Salade," "Sherries Goblers," and Pastry
aux fruits
One of the late boys, while reading
chapter OF Genesis, paused to ask his
| mother whether the boys in the olden
tune used to do their sums on the ground
1t was discovered that he had been read
ing the passage, "And the sons of men
multiplied upon the face of the earth"
"A noted horse. Jockey, down East"
was awakened one night by violent
thunderstorm. Being somewhat timid,
he awoke his wife, with: "Wife! wife |!
Do you suppose the Day of Judgment has
Gomez" Shut up, you foolt" was the af
tectionate reply. "How can the Day of
Judgment come in the night?"
The Terre Haute girl does not REQUIRE
that her lover have the wisdom of Solo
mon, the beauty of Apollo, or the riches
OF Dives. Her wants are few and simple.
She says: Lawrence has watch and
chain and plug hat; when he can raise
moustache shall be perfectly happy"
If there is room for one more in that
balloon of the Graphic's, there is a young
man In Danbury who can fill it, He lives
opposite us and plays an ACCORDION. He
might object to running the risk, but he
could be stunned by blow on the head
and got into the balloon before he recov-
ered.-Danbury Neaos.
We saw man who was crossing
White street, yesterday, pick up a lump
| of coal and put it in his pocket "There,"
| said we to ourself, is truly economical
man. He is not afraid to save. He real
ICES that penny saved is penny earned
and he will profit by it." Then he stepped
into saloon to get drink, and we moved
on.-Danbury News
"A nice young man went into the Nash
vile County Clerks office, where mar
riage licenses are granted. His face WAS
red and he appeared distressed. They
thought he was about to drop from sun
| stroke, and threw a pail of water upon
him. He yelled, II want to marry Mary
Jane; give me license!" and then they
know what was troubling him.
| The Ark.-The Hartford horse cars in
the winter present such ridiculous APP
| pearance, with their canvass covers, that
| once were white, but now are of an indie
| Unable color that the following dialogue
| seems very natural: Passenger who
wants to get aboard-"Noah, stop your
ark" Noah probably felt little indig-
nant, and did not stop. Again he hailed
IN oah stop your ark" Finally Noah
held up, with the answer, Come, hurry
up-the animals are all in except the lack
ass.''
"A pretty boy in Billtown became so
intimate with one of his fathers horses
that he received bad kick in the face.
The doctor sewed up his lip, bandaged
his eyes, and poulticed his cheeks. After
few days spent in bed, the lad called for
locking glass. One glance was sufficient
Father" he mildly cried, edo you think
| shall ever be as pretty again?" mo,
my son" responded the governor, you'll
! never be as pretty again, but you'll know
mOre'
The last joke at the expense of the
French society for the protection of ami
mails is to the following effect: A coun-
tryman, armed with an immense club
| presents himself before the President of
lhe society, ana CLAIMS the prize. lie is
asked to describe the act of humanity on
which he POUNDS his claim II saved the
life of WOLF" replied the countryman
Il might easily have killed him with this
bludgeon," and he swings his weapon in
| the air to the intense discontinue of the
President. But where was the wolf ?"
inquiries the latter, what had he done to
your" "He had just devoured my wife,"
is the reply The President reflects an in
slant, and then says-"My friend, am of
opinion that you have been sufficiently re-
| warded.'
"A Lucid Explanation.-"Sam," said
| darkey to his ebony brother, chow am it
dat dis yaa telegraf carries the news froo
dem wires?" "Well, Caesar, now you
s'pose dar am big dog free miles long"
"Neber was such big dogs; don't b'lieb
datw you jess wait mint; I'sc only
illustratin', you stupid niger. Now, dis
vaa dog YOU see less mt his front feet on