Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1873-06-20
HUMOR.

quandary. If they shave the negroes they
lose their white customers /; if they do not
shave them they are taken before negro
justice and fined. In his desperation one Of
them shampooed negro with carbolic
acid the other day, and bis stock in trade
fell a sacrifice to the consequent wrath Of an
indignant populace.
The temperance cause in Kentucky has
been somewhat set back by the announce
ment that one Of the few water drinkers in
that State has just discovered at the bottom
of his well the body of reighbor who dis
appeared four years ago; and the majority
Of the people there have resolved to stick to
whiskey and let well enough alone.
An enterprising soapmaker daubed the
rocks all the way up the Hudson with the
appeal, Use Smiths soaps whereupoa his
rival, the still more enterprising Jones, af-
ter much cogitation, started his white-wash-
er up the river to append to each Of Mr.
Smiths appeals, II you can't got Joaess.
A peaceful disposition is not absolute pro-
lection against the turmois of life Whats
more peaceful than clam And let ten
to one it ends its life in broil. And ttep,
how peaceful an oyster is. And yet hou
frequently it gets mixed up in stew.
Franklin's watch has been found in Phil
adelphia. Washington's was lat ly dscov-
cred in Western city. Where is Patrick
Henry's? Give us the name Of the man
who found Napoleon the Greats watch in
Louisville, Had Jefferson a watch?
An auctioneer at late sale of antiquities,
put up helmet with the following candid
observation This. ladies and gen lsmen.
is helmet of Romulus the Roman founder:
but whether he was brass, iron or type
founder I cannot tell
A Buffalo girl, pretty and eighteen, has
sold over five hundred sewing machines in
the last two years. She travels with
horse and wagon, smiling when she leaves
machine and shedding tears if anybody af-
forwards refuses to keep it, This does the
business.
When lazy fellows come to your doors
begging. set them to work cleaning up the
garden, or something else Of that sort, and
see how quickly they will fold their tents
and silently ateal-anything they can get
hold of.
How hollow it sounds = said a patients
under the movement cure, as the physician
was vigorously pounding his chest. oh,
we get to the head
A Louisville practical joker succeeded in
initiating a canine growl so perfectly, the
other night that one of his most intimate
friends was fooled into perfora,ing him with
a charge Of buckshot.
In a late funeral discourse it was patheti-
cally remarked that the deceased had gone
to his rest, where the cares of this world
couldn't follow him, and where he wouldn't
rave and curse about taxes any more.
My son, said refined mother to her
boy, you should not use the word bach.
guard it is vulgar what should use
in the place of it, map why, use-use-
african sentinel, my dear
A little negro waiter was sent to call
gentlemen to dinner. and found him using
tooth brush. WELL said the landlady
when the boy returned, is he coming p
Yes, .mistiss he's jes sharpenin his teeth.'
Some publishers Of periodicals publish on
white paper, some on blue, and some 90
yellow. A large portion of the political pa
pers should, by all means, be OF color that
won't show dirt.
I haven't taken drop of liquor for
year. said an individual of questionable
morals. Indeed but which OF your fea.
lures is to be believed, your lips or your
nose I?
The Graphic says that the American
citizen has passion for travelling dead
head. Not hopeless passion Losses by
railway accident last week, ffty-three lives.
Handsome coffin, plate, hearse and car
riage for $25,' is the announcement of
New York undertaken. This brings funeral
luxuries within the reach of the poorest
It is a curious fact that, while beaux are
permitted to 60 on in the way they are bent,
bellies are expected to 60 on in the way thew
are told.
Chicago jewellers sell country patrons
fine STEM winding watch for 80, with
four jewels around each hole, aud holes
punched for more.
'Will you venture on all orange 2 asked
hostess of Leigh Hunt, at dessert No,
without imminent danger of falling IF,
madam was his reply.
A young man disguise as woman has
been selling corsets to the ladies Of town
in Wisconsin. He sold nearly hundred, !
and himself fitted the garments.
Chicago baer-sellers have got tumbler
now that holds only gill, but magniGes
until the consumer thinks he has pint.
Lucy Quin, of Philadelphia, sold her new
bonnet SO that her lover might purchase
ball ticket. That's true love.
An editor out West has been elected town
constable, and is now able to arrest the at.
tention of his readers.
The first Of his kind-The man who
hanged himself in New York on account of
the death of his mother in law.
A farmer thinks the words, "Ho, every
one that thirsteth," should read. s.Tbirst.
every one that hoeth.''
'Medicated cider" is what Won will have
to ask for now when you 90 to Boston ard
want 'snifter.'
A pannier-A "waist basket" for hack
numbers of old newspapers.
A good side-show-A pretty cheek.