Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-05-01
The Cursid MusketO.
BY JOSH BILLINGS

DEAR oMITI y ure letter kane safe
unto hand last mite hi mail, and hurry
tew repli.
| The best musketers now in market are
raised near Bergen Point, in the dominion
ov M jersey.
lhey gro thare very spontaneous, and
| the mar ket for them IL very unstiddy-
| the CRATE supply Injuries the demand
Two hundred and fifty 10 the square
| inch IL konsidered a paying krop, altho
they often beat that
1hey don't require emmy nuesing, and
the poorer the land the bigger the Weld.
If it want for musketers don't kno
what sum people would do thare tew cit a
living, for thare IL a CRATE deal ov kulti-
waited land thare that wont raize emmy
thing else at a profit.
The musketcr IL Il ShOrt-lived bug but
don't waste emmy time; they are alwuss az
reddy for bizzness az pepper sass IL, and
kan bite 10 minutes after they are born
just az tiuently az ever
Thare IL people in this world so kon-
trary at heart, and so ignorant that they
wont see enney wisdum in having muske-
tiers around; i alwus pity sutch pholks-
their edukashun haz been sOrcly neglekted
and Amt level
Wisdum IL like duk's eggs-if WI cit
them, VII hey got to sarch for them-thare
aint no duks in theZe benighted DAYS that
will cum and la eggs in yure hand-nOt a
duk, Mr.. Smith, not a duk.
The musketo IL a soshal inscx; they liv
very thick amongst each other, and luv
the society 0v man also, but don't kOn-
tract emmy Ov hiZ vices.
1u never see a musketer that was de-
taulter; they never fail to cum to time. al
tho thousands looZe their lives in the eff
fort.
The philosophers tell Us that the mus
keeters who can't sing won't blight this
information may be Ov crate use to sci
ence, but amt worth mulch to q phellow
IN hot mite WHARF muskeeters are plenty
II thare amt but one muskceter out ov
ten that can bite good, that IL enutf to sus-
tain their reputashun.
The philosophers are alwuZ a tellin US
sumthing that IL right smart but the only
plan they kan offer Us tew get rid ov our
sorrows liz to grin and bear them.
They Kant rob one single muskcetcr Ov
his stinggcr by argument
The muskeetcr IL the child ov circum-
stansls in one rcspckt-hc kan be born, or
not, and liv, and die a square deth in a
lonesome marsh, 1900 miles from the
nearest nabOr, without ever tasting blood,
and be happy all the time; or he kan Git
into sumboddy>s bedroom thru the key
hole, and take his rashuns reglar and sing
sans Ov praZe and gloriticashun
1t don't k0st a muskeeter mulch for his
board in this world; if he kant find emmy
boldly TO eat he kan set on blade OF
swamp meadow grass and liv himself to
deth on the damp fog
The muskeeter is gray bug and haz 6
legs, bright eye, a fine busst, & sharp
tooth and a reddy wit
He don't waste ennv time hunting I'D
his customers, and alwus lights onto a
baby fust if there IL one on the premises.
positively fear muSkeeter.
In the dark, still mite, when every thing
IL az noizeless az d pair Of empty slippers
to hear one at the further end ov the room
slowly but surely working hiz way up 10
yu, singing that same hot old sissing tune
ov theirs, and barking to feel the eXackt
spot on yure face WHARF they intend tcw
lOkate, IL simply premeditated sorrow tcw
me; | had rather look forward to the time
when an elephant was going tew step onto
me-
The musketo haz no friends, and but
pheW associates; even mule despiZcs
them.
But hav seen human beings who want
aktually afraid ov them; i hav seen pholks
who had rather have muskectcr lite onto
them than to have a trakt peddar lite
onto them; | have seen pholks
who were so tuff aginst anguish that a
muskeeter mite lite onto them emmy WHARF
and plunge their dagger in up tew the hilt
in vain.
[ envy these people their moral stamina,
for next tew being virtewous would like
tew be tutf.
This life IL phull ov pcsky muskeetos,
who are alwus a looking for a job, alwus
reddy tew silk thisscll into yu sum
WHARF, and sing while they are doing it.
Dear Mr. Smith, pardon me for saying
so mulch about the cursid muskeeto, but
ov all things on this arth that travel, or
set still, for deviltry, thare Amt emmy bug,
emmy beast, or emmy beastess, that i dred
more, and luv less, than do this same lit
tie gray wretch, called cursid muskeetcr
n. 7. Weekly