Connecticut western news., 1873-08-08
Bailey's Escapc from a Water Cooler.

Editor Harding of the Pittsield Edgle, as a humorist is no mean rival of Bailey of the Danbury Nes0s, as the following gives evidence. MT. Harding in some mysterious way has learned of Bailey's remarkable es cape from water cooler in Chicago, and tells of it thusly.
 Bailey, of the Danbury Neaos, has just feturned from western tour. He has seen the burnt district of Chicago, looked over Geo. Francis Tralns possessions in Omaha, chatted with the Mormons at Salt Lake City. and walked the golden streets of San Francisco; and his letters from the various points visited have been brimful of him. self, and of course were the most delight ful reading.
 He had many adventures, of which h" tells in his inimitable manner, but we have not seen recorded his hair breadth escape from a water cooler, at hotel that he stopped at. He was shown to his room Il the third floor, about ten o'clock, cracked joke with the porter and dismissed him in convulsions of laughter, locked his door, wound his watch, slipped off his garments, turned out the gas, and was doZing in less than half an hour. But it was strange bed and strange place, and he slept only by fits and starts, and upon waking up for about the tenth time, about midnight, he found himself thirsty. He wanted good strong pull at a pitcher of water to wash down the dust and cinders that had filtered through his moustache during the days whirlng through the dry country on an express tram, and the more he thought about it the more necessary it seemed that he must have that draught or perish. All he had to do was to go to corner of his kIo nd q on Lake Michigan if he wanted to, but he tried it and found the water warm. and tasting of lead pipes, cockroaches, sinks and other things, and he spit out the first mouthful in disgust Then he remembered that in coming up stairs he had noticed on shell in a corner of the hall, two floors below his room, a capacious water cooler, and Inc recollected thinking at the time that it was an excellent thing in the proprietor to be s'. thoughtful of the wants of his guests. The longer his mind dwelt on that ''cooler" the more he wanted drink from it. There were, undoubtedly, great Jumps of ice in it. and the water was probably as cold and sparkling as water possibly coald be, and we'll he determined to try it, for his thirsl had grown intolerable almost. It was after midnight, everybody was abed, the gas was turned low and there was no use dressing himself, and so grasping his bedroom tumbler, he poked his head out of the dooI and took preliminary survey. The coas was clear, and lightly and cautiously as | cat, MT. Bailey passed along the hall. A the top of each flight of stairs he listened and heard only the deep breathing and riva snoring of the room occupants along tho way. Down dozen more steps and in dusky niche at an angle of the corridor ht saw the coveted cooler, and congratulated himself on bis success. He held his glas under the spout, gave the handle quicl jerk, and-in an instant he was on his back the tumbler dashed out of his hand an( crashed on the floor, and such roar ant steam, stench and flood as issued forth nt mortal man could endure and live, for poo Brother Bailey had tapped the Babcock fir' extinguisher. There was sound of hast ening feet in the office below, but the grea humorist was too quick for 'em. He hadn' the least idea what he'G done, only he knew something had busted, and whether it wal the hotel water works or a patent gas ma chine, or the boiler of the warm baths de pertinent, he didn't finger to inquire. Th' skirt of his night shirt streamed out in hi rear like flag of distress as he sped along and up stairs three steps at jump, accele- rated by the possibility that the flames o the floods he had set free were following him. ''Now lay me down to sleep" ral through his head as he flew along to hi room, and "what the al is It," was tn, emphatic first thought on arriving safely How he sat all the rest of the night witl his satchel in his hand expecting something would happen, and how he edged off iron the fatal corner when he left that inn a soon as daylight came, needn't be told, fo they will be imagined. But we wonde why Bailey, who can tell it so much bette than we can, never told Of his escape frou water cooler.