The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1873-08-15
OF ADHERpIsrn
LIVELY.

The Shah scratches his head
with the corner of a salt-cellsr.
To make a tall man SHORTLY
to borrow five dollars of him.
A circuit court-The longest
? wav home from the singing school.
One profession, says Punch, is
safe from the invasion of woman.
She may enter the army, but it is
impossible that she can man the
navy.
II They have, as yet, had no chol-
era in st. Louis, but large num-
Der of people, old and young, have
died from cholera infantum-
Sucker State.
The latest instance afforded by
fond mother of her sons clever
ness, is said sons correcting her
for saying he was all over dirt.
He said the dirt was all over him.
A Detroit hotel-keeper was so
angry with q man who sent him 8
circular advertising q bed-bug ex-
Termination that he knocked him
down and bit Off n portion CT his
ear.
Scientists are claiming that in
stead of being cold, the moon is
in reality red-hot; so much so that
no living thing known to our
world could exist there. This
spoils the "green cheese" theory.
After Mr.. Casey had finished
reading the " Declaration" on the
Fourth, a man rose and moved
that the speech be published, as it
was one of the best speeches he
had ever "heern" in his life
Mound City Journal.
The difficulties of ryme, which
have been so far overcome in our
quotations, proved too Obstinate
for the writer of this epitaph:
50 Here lies. aIasi more's the pity
All that remains of Nicholas Sewcity.
y. Bills name was Newtown."
The following is said to be on
gravestone near London.
"Poor Martha Shell has gone away,
Her would if she could, but her couldn't
stay;
Her had . bad legs and a baddish cough,
1t was her two bad legs that carried her
on"
Several passengers on the Lower
Mississippi, were attracted by the
alligators basking in the sunshine.
"Are they amphibious, Captain?"
asked a iooker-on. "Amphibious,
h-l!" answered the enthusiastic
officer, they'll eat hog in a
minute
Two men, disputing about the
pronunciation of the word either
one saying it was ee-ther, the
other i-ther-agreed to refer the
matter to the first person they met,
who happened to be an Irishman,
who COMPOUNDED both by declaring
''it's nayther, for it's ayther."
ERRoRs.-What subject Is there
so serious that the newspapers
cannot make it ridiculous? Read
the following statement as it ap-
peared yesterday in our kilograms:
80 Everybody in this place had chOl-
era symtonlS, and some large fam
lilies have only tscO Left.-Rich-
mond, Va, Dispatch.
Some of the most amusing cpl
taphs are in prose. This one Is
from a tombstone in Pennsyl-
vania;
Battle Of Shiloh,
April 6. 1852.
John ID. L-was born March
%, 1929, in the town of West
Dresden, State of New York,
where the wicked ceased from
troubling and the weary are at
rest"
A Baptist paper in Ohio was
sent for nine years to a subscriber
who never paid n cent for it. The
other day the newspaper was re
turned to the patient and long
suffering publisher with the affect
ing pencil note on its margin:
Gone to better world" The
editor is very pious man, but it
is reported that his faith is terri
bly, shaken in regard to the accura.
cy of the information.
The editor of the Omaha Bee,
who had n street fight recently,
significantly announces that he
has been presented with q hand
some and valuable rife cane, man
ufactured by Remington. 1t will
carry a bali thirty yards with great
accuracy; it is loaded by unscrew-
ing the handle and placing the
cartridge in the tube, and is cock
ed and fired by pulling back the
handle and touching a small spring.
Besides being a novelty as a
weapon, it is very fine walking
stick"
The only person we have had to
stop The News in some time
| is reader in Pittsfield,
/ whose wife read an item in our
las; issue that to sleep with the
hands in mittens full OF wet bran
will remove freckIes and tan.
She tried the experiment Friday
night, and in her sleep fell to
dreaming of something, and I'M
consciously struck him across the
face with one of the remedies 1t
not only frightened him into con-
WILSON'S, but-bursting as it struck,
nearly choked him to death with
the flying bran. He doesn't say
whether it cured her, but we pre-
sumo it did, or he would have said
something about it.
An aged couple on Wooster
street are very fond of checkers,
and play quite frequently. When
he beats at the game she loses her
temper, and declares she will not
| play again. It vexes him to have
her act so, but he controls the
irritation, and talks to her about
it. He tells her how wrong it is
for people at their age in life to be
disturbed by such trides, and
shows her so clearly the folly of
such a course that she becomes
ashamed of her weakness, and re-
turns to the game and plays it so
well that she beats him. Then he
throws the checkers in enc direct
ion and kicks the board in anoth-
er, and says he viii never play
with anybody who cheats so all.
freddy, and stalks modify to bed,
and leaves her to pick up the
things.
A Wisconsin paper tells 9 story
of q revenue officer who was sent
into an illicit whisky Disabling dis
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