Burlington weekly free press. [volume] (Burlington, Vt.) 1866-1928, 1873-02-07
From the Congressional Globe, Jan. Ill
Agriculture.
HON 5. 5. cox's HUMOROUS AND sATIRIcAL
SPEECH UPON AGRICULTURAL MATTERS.

SPEECH UPON AGRICULTURAL MATTERS.
Mr.. Cox-Mr. Chairman, think there
is a good deal of undeserved reproach cast |
on the noble Department of Agriculture.
The gentleman from Illinois Mr.. Farms
worth undertook to say that the present
Commissioner of Agriculture kept culs'ne
to cook the seeds sent to him from all parts
of the world. Laughter. Other mem
hers say he boards and lives in our Patent
Office free of expense. | recGllect when the
Commissioner of Agriculture used to make
butter for the Presidential Mansion. Those
were unctuous and happy days. Laugh
ter The gentleSt cows of Pennsylvania
furnished the milk, and there was no con-
stitutiOnal question raised on the cow
Laughter. remember well that for
mer Commissioner raised strawberries lor
the Presidential Mansion. 1t is part OF
the business of that bureau. Laughter.
There is no question of its constitutionallty
Laughter 1t seems we are now to have IN
the Agricultural Bureau microscopic In
fact il is part of our new bureaucratic
system Bring in the microscope, that we
NAV see the inSectiyOrous animals which are
preying upon and annoying this useful bu-
reaa. am amazed that the House does not
appreciate these reports on agriculture. Inc
Commissioner on the very first page OF ms
report tells US that the segregated charac-
ter OF the rural population has been SUCH as
to forbid that concentration OF ideas ana
consultation of views which are common 10
all other professions and occupations
This isa species of " unabridged dlctiona-
ry'' language which fills the pathological
and analytical mind with wonder. But look
to the end The last page Of the report ad-
vises US. that we may save 81 900 ,o0O,ooo
by dispensing with fencing Let US be ad-
vised and even do better. Dispense with
barns, stable and houses and then we Will
be careful and happy. | admire economy
based on a concentration OF rural ideas
Again, | turn to the Commissioner report
of November, 1871. | read from page 69
Ii IS the report of the entomologlst and cura-
tor God help US to 4 faithful lexicon. We
have lust made a bureau of the microscope.
Nv friend from Indiana Mr.. llolman) OPP
poses it and | never oppose him. W hat IS
this bureau? 1t is, in fact, the bureau oil
bugs deny that entomology as science
does not include all bugs, humbugs not ex-
Guided Laughter. The Commissioner
saws that bugs are not insignificant insects
As they are generally and enormously called
But. sir. they are bugs. Now, ! always
supposed entomology did refer to bugs.
Laughter. The Commissioner gives the
various modes of finding these bugs out:
lie tells YOU of the 0dipOda afroI. which
hope my friend from Ohio, (Mr. Garfield,
who Is now going away from my seat, after
instructinc me in Latin, will be able TO ex-
plain to the House. Laughter. There
are various other bugs referred to. We have
the caiOptenuS .fenlrreJrum, and the oaioP,,
feiiiis SprefuS, and the 9dipOdd peiidcadd, and
the auGJruS simpler, and the ndeopSylLd 70
buSfg. the cOpi0phorG HUcroRdfG, ana the
phlela hRJipcncLd Great laughter.
These are for the common mind. Laugh
ter Education forms it. Now these re-
ports have been published at great ex-
pense. and this information Is of course in
tended for the common people. hope gen
tlemen will De able to explain TO the House
what all these things are. Laughter
Let there be annotatiOns TO 20 out with these
reports. Mr. Chairman. | would not be 50
particular in this remarkable nomenclature
had we not been advised to. day by the hon
orabe gentleman (Alr. Garfield) that 1t was
the duty OF tho Federal Government, by It's
function of educator, to inform the common
mind lie thought we should, by Federal
authority and money, ditiuse knowledge
among men. | therefore boldly ask, where
does he get power to interpret PLAIN and
honest people the cdi0ptcHuS SprffH oil
hler? Laughter. Who shall determine.
by Federal tests, the length of wing OF the
cdi3UfeHuS fDRr-relr7m ? Laughter. |
may admit. for sake of argument, that the
learned and fresh men from the South may
tell Us why the anabrus SIMPLER Is an orthop-
terus insect. but why do You invoke Federal
powers to aid in this microscopic work?
These are reconcile thoughts and lllustra-
tons We have in this agricultural book
reference made 10 various other recoudlte
things hope this bureau will not be dis
cOuragel in its work. ehaYe here On one
page-as You See-what seems a hydraulic
ram and then on another, in magnificent
wood and type. the picture and description
of the merino ram ' Dictator (See page
$50 These are put in the most extraordi-
nary relation. Laughter 1t i like mix
inc politics with farming. Laughter.
Look all through this book. Look At the
pictures of these bugs Look at these pie
lures of the .tiRgoid series Here We have
the fimQ5d spores, found within a blighted
lilac leaf and the myosiiHm and other fun
gold forms found on the h5cr ola peach tree
having the 81" yellows.' Laughter. Now,
il is very evident when we send these out We
ought to send out at the same time an III
depreciation of them for the benefit Of the
common people Laughter. What have
the people done that they should be cruci-
fed by such public reports
And while we are meditating about the
new microscopic bureau, | would like TO
take one more glance at the book. Where,
oh where can find the proportions Of the
" Chester White SOW, ~ called Mary Great
laughter Only one year old Bring on
your microscopic bureau. Observe the
length of that inquisitive -nout aud the
compound curl Of that tail Laughter.
See the lengthening lusci0uSness of those
lacteal glands Laughter But her name
it is Mary Is there a man who ever loved
a Mary Laughter. Let him construe
our beloved Constitution Perhaps there i
some one here attached to the Constitution
and to education who will reproach me for
not mentioning the elGyhldisn riHOSHnl, or
the 1en0c0rIS puiafor of Beck Laughter
VIII the Scotch member from Kentucky
please explain this melodious Technology
which bears his name Laughter But,
Mr. Chairman, | have only risen for the
purpose of having the House understand
the astonishing effect of these agricultural
reports, not only upon the people in the
country, but upon the people in the city. !
acknowledge that the effect Is different ac-
cordins 10 locality now represent city, |
though by some misapprehenSion in the last
campaign the people Of New York State
outside of our grand metropolis voted for
country. Laughter To be sure | car
ried that city by some twenty-five thousand |
Though | may not. owing 60 misapprehen- |
sions. be with you next Congress laughterl, |
must refer to the effect Of these reports on |
that city. The effect upOl the wicked city |
of Philadelphia, which acted 80 badly in |
the late election, laughter, is especially |
notable ! refer to it for the purpose Of |
calling the attention Of my friend from |
Philadelphia (Alr. Kelley to the dreadful |
consequences he imposes upon his constitu |
entS in sending those reports into the heart |
Of Philadelphia. Read very slowly Mr.. |
Clerk. the extract | send up from the Sun
day Despatch of Philadelphia, showing the
direful effects of these terrible reports The |
Clerk read tom styrcSVORe) a. follows -
- We owe oar thanks to Judge Kelley for
the latest Patent Office report Wealready |
have sixteen hundred Of these interesting
volumes ia jar little library, but they have
been read and reresd 50 many times that we
know every page of them by heart. This
new volume came OPPORTUNITY and gratefully
on Christmas morning, and that night We
gathered our little family around the fire
and read it through to them. Theatfecting
tale entitled Improvement in Monkey
Nrenches, seemed to touch every heart
| laughter. and when we came to the climax
of the little story about Reversible Pie
Boards, there was not dry eye between
the front door and the stable. Laughter.
During the reading of the piteous narrative
entitled Gum Washers for Carriage Axles,'
the whole family gave expression TO bois-
ferrous emotion, and the hired girl was 50
much excited that she lost her presence of
mind and went around to her mothers in
advertently with six pounds Of sugar and
butter-kettle full of flour and came home at
intoxicated Laughter. We
can never sufficiently thank Judge Kelley for
the innocent enjoyment thus furnished US
The memory of that happy evening will
linger in our minds very much longer than
that hired girl ever fingers when she lights
On lot OF substance which She thinks will
suit the constitution of her aged parent"
Great laughter.