National opinion. [volume] (Bradford, Vt.) 1865-1874, 1873-05-16
Putting up q Family Stove.

Putting up Family Stove.
Putting up stove is not so Difficult
in itself. 1t is the pipe that raises four
ffths of the mischief and all the dust
You may take down stove with all tn,
care in the rid, and have your wifi,
put away the pipe in secure place, ant
yet that pipe won't come together agair
as it was before. You find this out wher
you are standing on chair with YOU
arms full of pipe and your mouth full
of SCOT Your wife is standing on the
floor in position that enables her tc
see you, the pipe, and the chair, and
here she gives utterance to those re
marks that are calculated to hasten 6
man into the extremes of insanity. Hel
dress is pinned over her waist, and hel
hands rest on her hips. She has got
one of your hats on her head, and youl
linen coat on her back, and pair OF
your rubbers on her feet. There is
about five cents worth of pot-black or
her nose, and lot of -four on her chin
and altogether she is spectacle that
would inspire dead man with distrust
And while you are up there trying tc
circumvent the awful contrariness of the
pipe, and telling that you know some
fool has been mixing il, she stands safe
ly on the floor, and bombards you with
suoh domestic notices as: whats the
use of swearing so 2" "You know no
one has touched that pipe" "You ain t
got any more patience than a child. v
"Do be careful of that chair" And
then she goes off, and reappears with
an armful Of more pipe, and before you
are aware of it, she has got that pipe so
horribly mixed up that it does seem no
pieces are alike.
You join the ends, and work them to
and fro, and to and fro again, and then
you take them apart and look at them.
Then you spread one out and jam the
other together, and mount them once
more. But it is no go. You begin to
think the pieces are inspired with life,
and ache to kick them through the
window. But she dosen't lose h er
patience. She goes around with that
awfully exasperating rigging on, with a
length of pipe under each arm, and n
long handled broom in her hand, and
says she don't see how it is some people
never have any trouble putting up a
stove. Then you miss the hammer.
You don't see it anywhere. You stare
into the pipe, along the mantel, and
down on the stove and off to the floor.
Your wife watches you, and is finally
enough to inquire what yon
are looking after and on learning, pulls
the article from her pocket. Then you
feel as if you could go out doors and
swear hole through block of brick
but she merely observes !:
" Why on earth don't you speak when
you want anything, and not stare around
like dummy" When that part of the
pipe which goes through the wall is up,
she keeps it up with her broom, while
you are making the connection, and
stares at it with an intensity that is
entirely uncalled for. All the while
your position rs becoming more and
more interesting. The pipe don't go
together, of course. The SCOT shakes
down into your eyes and mouth, the
sweat rolls down your face and tickles
your chin, as it drops off, and it seems
as if your arms are slowly but surely
drawing out their sockets.
Here your wife comes to the rescue
by inquiring if you are going to be all
day doing nothing, and if you think her
arms are made of cast iron, ,and then the
broom slips off the pipe, and in her
andeavor to recover her hold she jabs
you under the chin with the handle,
and the pipe comes down on your head
with its load of fried SCOT, and then the
chair tilts forward enough to discharge
gour feet, and you come down on the
wrong end of that chair with force
hat would bankrupt pile driver. You
lont touch that stove again. You
cave your wife examining the chair
md bemoaning its injuries, and go into
he kitchen and wash your skinned and
hands with yellow soap. Then
rou go down street after a man to do
he business, and your wife goes over =.
o the neighbors with her chair, and
ellis them about its injuries, and drains
he neighborhood dry of its sympathy
ong before you get home. e.-Danbury
NetCs.