The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1873-12-26
EM1,oRFA NEWS.
FnIpAY,..D E0EMDER %, 80.
7 ITEMS.

To keep the Indians -quietyfe- h
quires considerably Ingn-anSui- Y
W.
When is captain in his yheav Il
lest attirey When he wears hist
ship.
Though an honest merchant Is
a plain dealer, a carpenter is a
deal planer. = 20 @evr9 q
DO singers measure their time
with n compass Of the voice or
with the scales <E<T<D Z
What to do if you split your
sides with giaugter ;29rqn till Won
get stitch in them.
OF all the birds that please us1
with their lays, Die most r1pulnr
is the hen.
What best, describes and most
impedes a christian JtPilgfim's
Progress? A Bunyan lbunion); |
Why is a lady efossIAgS tAeaA II
iantic like the foreman of a fac
tory: Because she's an over sea
her.
Facts should be put down in
black and white; in another col
ored ink they might appear
ink red -ible.
A jew, on seeing u prodigiously
fine ham, remarked; "Thou almost
persuaded me to be Christian
"You seem to walk more erect
than usual, my friend" "Yes, l
have been straiteneCl by circuIh,
stances" .si,tF
The latest problem for civil
engineers is to make one of the
keys or a piano fit the lock Of q
canal.
To whom it may concern
Illegible writer's Sare undesirable
acquaintances-their 'seharactegs
are bad. EH 3 a - B ?
Why has barber. = more eSf
tensivc business than any other
mani Because it .sktsnds cfromy
pole to pole.
The young man who boosted
that he could marry any girl that
he pleased found that hO- eOul4leRt
please any. .cy
A printer remarks that he las
never been able to give n proof of
the pudding till it was locked up
in his forIp.I VI F%G
The LETTER ii. AGAING.-It
sometimes happens. that when q
mans heir thinks he ought to die,
he thinks he ought to die his hair,
"Who are the peaccmakers?'
asked q minister of his Sunday
school class 1.-THE police" quick
ly replied one of the lads.
When BloclSly, an his song,
wrote ''List to the Convent Bells, ?
it was not to be understood that
they were mufiled, you know.
What is the difference between
the engine-driver and a passenger
who has lost the traini One is
right in front and the other is left
behind.
1t is limited TO young ladies
that those of their number who
make up their faces do not al
ways find young men to make NJ
their minds.
A Nebraska conductor, when he
finds ) man on his train without
any money to pay fol. his ride
punches three holes in his hat
and passes him along"
Why is . man who makes addi
tons to q false rumOr like one
who has confidence in all that is
told him? Becaiise1he relies On al
that he hears. ,.,r...-,r.
INSULT TO INJURY.-A rogue
was charged with obtaining goods
by false pretenses. He. pleaded
that he failed to see how a pre-
tense could be other than false
t- a Western critic, noted for his
softness OF style, speaks of an
Indian poet who was recently
sent to the penitentiarY for three
years for plagiarizing horse
A POWERFUL MEMoRY.--TherC
is said TO be q man in Cincinnati
who is in possession of such @
powerful memory that he is en-
ployed by the humane society Ia
remember the poor.
Some people are never con-
tented. After having all their
limbs broken, their heads
smashed, land their brains
knocked out, they will actually
go to law and try to get further
damages. I'd
n They fteIl df 4 woman in Bal
timore who has provided herseli
with two hundred pairs of stock
ings, wooden and cotton. She is
evidently intending to organize
a hose company somewhere
A Music dealer in an Enstern
town announces in his window q
sentimental song, ''Thou Hast
Loved Me and Left Nc for
Twenty-Five Cents" -t|t
A Main lover gave up his bride
when her father presented bill
for q young woman's board during
the four years they had been
engaged"
What is the difference between
velocipedist and o school. boy
who's been severely thrashed?
One shows body on wheels, and
the other wheals on body
Two Of the Old Red Stocking
Base Ball Club have joined q
choir. One OF them officiates as
short stop on the organ and the
other sings third base.
You ought to let me pass free
0f charge, considering the benevo-
lent nature OF my profession" said
a physician TO n tollgate-keeper.
Not so,' was the reply. tsslou
sent too many dead.heads through
here now"
Out of forty girls at board
ing-school, none of them could
tell how many years George
Washington was President, but
they knew to cent the cost of
any kind of bonnet in the market.
A Boston preacherspeaking OF
the danger of the Bible being
crowded out by the newspapers,
perpetrated the following excel.
lent pun MEN nowadays, - said
said he, are like Zaccheus, desir-
Gus of seeing Jesus, but they can
nos because Of theSpress.E Z -
The misery of being called up
on suddenly to make a speech