davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24
Humorous.

A MATTER of corse-A coroncrs in
quest.
In what tone does a ghost speak? In
a tombstone.
WHY is a lady's hair like a bcehiyep
Because it holds the combs.
Why is love at first sight like a seal ?
Because 10 makes an impression.
A PouGuKEEHsIE clerk loves the very
ground n Highland widow walks upon.
1t is worth 500 an acre.
JOSH BILLINGS says, very truly,
" You'd better not know so much, than
to know so many things that amt so.
A GENTLEMAN, on taking volume to
be bound, was asked if hc would have It
bound in Russia. ooh, no, he replied,
Russia is too far off; Ill have 1t bound
here"
The Richmond wing thinks that If
" Kosciusko" is properly pronounced
" Kotschewshko," Freedom must have
sneczed instead of shrieked when the
hero of Poland fell.
A WORTHY old farmer, who was being
worried in his cross. examination by
LAWYER in Maine, exclaimed Look
here, Squire, don't you ask good many
foolish questions ?"
An unfortunate in indianapolis who
lost several toes by n car-whccl, was
consoled 10y an Irishman near 10y with,
whist, there, you're making more
noise than mony a man I've seen with
his head of.
THE man who answered an advertise
ment 60 the following effect says his
curiosity ia satisfied "lf you would
learn how TO make home happy, send a
postage stamp and twenty five cents to
i. O. Box No. -, Cincinnati. He did
send the necessary cash, and soon re-
ceiyed the answer " If you are as big
a fool rs we think you must be for Civ
ing us your money, you can make home
happy by leaving 1t and going west 10y
Yourself. "-HCdrh and Home.
"Now, Johnny" said n venerable
lady to her six-ycar-old nephew, who
was pcrsistently denying an oiiensc of
which she was accused, 81 know you are
not telling the truth / see 1t in your
eye" Pulling down the lower lid of the
organ that had so nearly betrayed his
want OF veracity, Johnny cxultingly re-
piled You can't tell anything about
it, aunt that eye was always a little
streaked !"
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24
Mr.. O'CIarence's Troubles.

Mr.. O'Clarence bought two old bar
rels for kindlings, Saturday, and Sun
day morning, when Mrs. O'Clarence was
at church, he went down cellar to cut
them up. AS it was necessary to smash
in the slaves, before doing anything
else, he laid the barrel on its side, and
taking up the axe, gave it ringing
blow. The axe Immediately bounded
from the barrel and flew over Mr..
O'CIarence's shoulder, nearly taking off
one ear, and rapping himself severely
in the back. Mr. O'Clarence was aston
ished. He turned the barrel over and
looked at it, and then rubbed his back
and felt of his ear. 1t was quite evil
dent that he must use more caution if
he would cut open the barrel without
cutting open himself The next blow
was delivered with still greater force,
and with such success that the slaves
crumbled beneath it like so much air,
and Mr.. O'Clarence, who was not quite
sure but that the axe would bound
again, and had actually braced himself
in resistance to the consequence of such
result, failed to recover himself in time,
and went down among the slaves on his
knees, and with such momentum as to
nearly disJOint his neck. If Mr.. O'Clar-
ence was astonished before, he was near
ly petrifed now. He got upon his feet
and moved away from the barrel, briskly
rubbing his neck, but saying nothing.
Then he seated himself on the cellar
stairs, and pulled up his pantaloOn legs
and looked at his knees, which were
seriously skinned. After that he sat on
the stairs some ten minutes, and looked
at the demolished barrel, and tried to
recollect where in twenty-three years of
married life he had seen anything quite
so contrary and unexpected as was that
barrel. The clock up stairs striking
twelve aroused him. He jumped down,
placed a stave in n way to fracture its
spine, and struck it a sharp blow. 1t
broke at once; the lower half flew
straight up and slapped him in the face,
and the other half flew over the swing
ing shelf, upsetting quarter pitcher
of milk and knocking off a glass jar of
cherries. The milk ran between the
cracks of the shelf, and formed in pud-
dies on the cement floor, and the jar
came down with force enough to smash
it into myriad of pieces, and fill the
air with cherries and splinters. The
Mortified wretch dropped the axe, and
stared at the wreck, and rubbed his
head, and feared he was going to lose
his reason. And just then Wickford's
little boy, who lives next door, appeared
at the window, in a blue suit with bell
buttons, and at once shouted MA,
ma E! Mr. O'Clarence is cutting wood on
And would have probably
added other information, had not a we'll
aimed potato caused him to retire with |
great vehemenca. When Mrs. O'Clar- |
ence came, which soon she did, she |
found her husband spearing behind the |
pork ana charcoal barrels with broom,
for cat. And as soon as she could |
change her dress she went down and |
helped him, but the animal was not |
found, very much to the amazement of |
Mr.. O'Clarence. -Danbury NesOs.
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24
Glossy Shirts.

Attention to the following directions
Will secure the much desired gloss on
shirts. First, put little common
white wax in your starch-say two
ounces to the pound; then, if you use
any thin patent starch, be sure you use
it warm, otherwise the wax will get
cold and gritty, and spot your linen,
giving it the appearance of being stained
with grease. 1t is different with collar
starch-it can be used quite cold. To
polish shirts, starch the fronts and
wristbands as stiff as you can. Always
starch twice-that is, starch and dry,
then starch again. Iron your shirt IN
the usual way, making the linen nice
and firm, but without any attempt at a
good finish. Don't lift the plaits. Your
shirt is now ready for polishing, but you
ought to have board the same size as
a common shirt board, made of hard
wood and covered with only one ply of
plain cotton cleth Put this board into
the breast of your shirt, dampen thefront
very lightly with Il wet sponge, then take
a polishing iron which is flat and bev-
eled at one end, polish gently with the
beveled part, taking care not to drive the
linen up into wave-like blisters. This
requires little practice but, in a short
time, with perseverance, you will be
able to give that enamel-like finish
which seems to be so much wanted.
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24
Read This.

Nothing can be more cruel, and moth
ing more foolish, than to place children
where they must be dressed every day
in fresh and fashionable clothes, and
their freedom to play curtailed for the
sake of appearances. What childhood
needs IS perfect freedom among the
things of nature-freedom to romp, to
make mud-pies, to leap fences, to row,
to fish, to climb trees, to chase butter
flies, to gather wild flowers, to live out
of doors from morning till night, and to
do all those things that innocent and
healthy childhood delights in, in cheap,
strong clothes provided for the purpose.
Exactly that which childhood needs,
manhood and womanhood need-per-
feet liberty and carelessness. So,
when one visits the sea-shore, he
should seek some spot unvisited by
those devoted to, fashionable display,
and pass his time in pursuits and amuse-
ments which, without let or hindrance,
perform the Office of recreation
j. q. Holland.
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24

BY the middle of winter dusty carpets
become n great annoyance Ia house
keepers, and the use Of the broom
raises clouds of dust which settles ia
every crack and Granny. To remedy
this, take pint Of bran, stir in enough
water TO merely dampen il, and then
scatter it about the floor before sweep
ing. Besides laying the dust, the bran
brightens the colors wonderfully, and 10
is surprising TO see hOwfresh an old and
faded carpet will look under this treat
ment. Salt is sometimes recommended
for the same purpose, but If any hap
pens TO fall and he left about the edges
of tho carpet it will absorb moisture
from the atmosphere, and make wet,
sticky places even worse than dust.
Snow is good 10 prevent dusty swecpinR,
but the room must be cold, or 10 will
melt and soil more than IL cleansps.
Tea grounds pressed as dry as possible
are also used, but are not always mt
hand in sufficient quantities TO be in
constant use. Some dip the broom in
water, and with n sharp rap throw of
most of the moisture, but this leaves
the brush full OF dust, and 10 must be
washed nftcrward. Carpets should al
ways have clean, dry straw evenly
strewn under them hay will not an
swer, as in damp weather 1t soon becomes
musty. Paper is recommended, and a
thick, felted article is manufactured for
that purpose, but though Il saves the
carpet from wearing upon the some
times uneven floor, it does not answer
the purpose of straw, through which the
dust Sits, and is not being ground into
.he fabric bV constant ugp
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24
What the Birds Say.

Numerous species of our birds would
seem to challenge attention by their
calls and notes. There is the Maryland
yellow throat, for instance, standing in
the door of his bushy tent, and calling
out as you approach, " Which way, sir!"
Which way, sir y If he says this to
the ear of common folk, what would he
not say to the poet One of the pewees
says " Stay there r' with great empha-
sis. The cardinal grosbeak calls out
"What cheer2?" What cheer % the
blue-bird says, "Purity," purity"
purity ;" the brown thrasher, or ferru-
ginous thrush, according to Thoreau,
calls out to the farmer planting his corn,
drop it, drop it," cover it up"
"cover it up" The yellow breasted
chat says, "who," and "tea-boy." What
the robin says, caroling that simple
strain from the top of the tall maple, or
the crow with his hardy cav cav, or the
pedestrian meadOw-lark sounding his
piercing and ng-drawn note in the
spring meadows, the poets ought to be
able to tell US. L only know the birds
all have a language which is very ex-
pressive, and which is easily transferable
into the human tongre.-Scri6ner's. an
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24
A History IN BRIcK.-By means

A HISTORY IN BRICK. By means of
a brick taken from the pyramids of
Dashom, an Austrian servant has dis
covered many interesting particulars
connected with the life of the ancient
Egyptians. The brick itself is made of
the mud of the Nile, chopped straw and
sand, thus confirming what the Bible
and Herodotus have handed down to
us as the Egyptian method Of brick
making. Besides the material the mi
crescope has brought other things to
hght-the debris of river shells, fish,
insects, seeds of wild and cultivated
flowers, corn, barley, the field pea, and
the common flax, cultivated probably
both for food and textile purposes, and
the radish, with many others known to
science. There were also manufactured
products, such as fragments of tiles and
pottery, and even small pieces of string
made Of fax and sleeps wool.
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24
ONLY A MECHANIC.

The snow was falling like n myriad
flight of tiny, white-winged birds. The
December blast howled mournfully
through the twilight streets, where the
lights were beginning to shine out, here
and there solitary beacOns of fire, and
Grace and Myra Payne were sitting be-
fore the CRATE in their cosy sitting room,
talking.
Grace had been darning stockings, a
piece of domestic tinger-craft not par
ticularly ornamental, but nevertheless
most essential, and AIyra was dotting
the edge of a shirt collar with stitches
like seed pearls, but it was grown too
dark to work now, and they sat in the
rudy shine of the CRATE fire, enjoying
the season commonly known as "blind
mans holiday"
"Now, Grace, I'm sure you'll think
better of If. " said MyTa, coaxingly.
Don't think there's the least pros
pect in life of any such thing, returned
Grace.
Stay, though. We have not photo
graphed our heroines for the eye of the
readers fancy. Well they were two
pretty girls, although in somewhat diff
ferent styles. Myra, the elder by
year, was tall and slender, with dark,
languid eyes, an oval face and Jet black
hair, slightly rippled. while Grace was
smaller and sprightly, rather inclined to
be plump than other wise, with big
brown eyes, full Of liquid laughter, a
skin like rose-colorcd satin, and brown
curls which could no moro have been
coaxed to lie straight than SO many
grapevine tendTils.
g, "You are really going to marry
common mechanic = persisted Myra,
remonstratively.
"WelI, l think he's rather an uncom-
mon one, myself.
"But our papa is a gentleman.
"Our papa is a lawyer by profession,
Myra, but | don't think he is any more
of gentleman than Walter Genlis.
"Mechanics are not gentlemen y
Yes they are, if they behave them
selves. Now, look here, Myra," and
the big brown eyes became very reso-
lutte, u am very glad that You arc en-
gagged to a Wall-street broker, who
lives IN n brown stone house, but don't
think that gives you the privilege OF
crItlcIslng H3y lover"
But he Is poor, Grace.
lie has health and strength, and his
own strong right arm to help him.
And yOH viii have TO work.
We'll, what then that is all right, "
sud Grace elevated two plump little
hands, "what do you suppose these
were given to me for? To wear kid
gloves and diamond rings only, or to
gather roses No, indeed l can find
q better use for them than that"
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24
A Colt Story.

A few days since J. W. Kenne, of
Pembroke, n. Y, took his mare from
the barn, leaving a two months colt
behind. On his return, some two hours
after, he found the colt on the roof of
the barn. Being unable to follow the
mare, it had sought some means of es-
cape. In the first place it had gone up
a flight of stairs-ffteen steps-then
over the hay-mow, and out of window
in the gable end of the barn, upon a half
roof. From this elevation it worked its
way to the roof of the main barn, which
is very steep; then it returned to the
half roof, whence, on the return of the
mother, it jumped to the ground, dis
lance of fourteen feet, a feat which it
accomplished without being the least
injured,
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24
A Magnificent Wreck"

The Baltimore Gazette has this tribute
to a prominent sport of other days:
"John G. Heenan, the prize-fghter, is
reported as fatally i'll of hemorrhage of
the lungs, in Montana Territory, whittier
he had gone for his health. Those who
believe that athletes are generally long
lived may well think of this man. A
more splendid specimen of physical
power never existed. To judge from
his appearance, he might have died at
a hundred. 1t seemed almost impos-
sible that disease could undermine and
overthrow that vigorous and sinewy
frame. Still, like so many of those who
train for the ring, the man was over
taxed. The muscles were souKd, the
flesh firm, the body rounded and unim-
paired, but in these cases the breast, or
the lungs, or some of the internal Or
gans are sure to feel the strain, the wear
and tear of such a life. In Heenan it is
the lungs, and the man is dying-a very
Hercules, a magnificent wre ok.
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24

leave the cramped limits of this third
rate boarding house, and return once
more to a spacious brown stone front.
But it was none the less a sore come
down for her pride that the house was
not her own, but that of the simple
minded little sister who had married ga
common mechanic"
"Who would have thought it, ten
years ago p sighed Myra
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24
CHICKEN AND EGGS ARE OUT.
ny oRPHKUs O. KRRR.

Co. hide the coop, there, Betsey and nail the hen
We've city-boarders comm, and chicken and eggs
are out.
Since VIII NJ. Carleton made US the talk so far and
wide,
There's been no end of town-folks for summer
board applied.
The first one writin' to us,-thas preacher, he
About our little rampage and making-up had read ;
Our story touched his feelins, and would we strive
His family for the season, and some deduction
make?
He only wanted quiet and simply sun and air,
With eggs and milk and chickens, and such like
country fare;
He wouldn't press for oysters; but vegetables and
Could not be served too frequent himself and wife
to suit.
For this he'd give three dolars, for each, all round,
per week,
'tarnal cheek!
If was worth a million, and twice much he paid,
wouldn't fees a stomach by preachin' empty made.
The next one seskin' quarters sick. he wrote,
And wished his dame and daughters to rusticate
For, what with Saratoga, and Newport, in the past
He'd found his purse and patience "ere runnin' out
too fast.
And would we b1ieve, our Story had moved them
And had we frst-foor bedrooms, with bathrooms
They wouldn't ask for Twin in costly city wav:
Bat milk and eggs and poultry must have three
times day.
ham bread,
And Madam took her coffee at early dawn in bed :;
And for himself, at breakfast, he'd take beefsteak
rare,
than fair.
It's one thing for poet our honest hearts to praise
Ana ahotner' Aeellh ooArdeTs' That proh' US no
r, nASs III. -.-..- Z, -. -, - -
about
Ana hna' Dy AhocAih 'alhiy' that betsey ana are
out!
ri a. -
Then, there was What-you-caL-hin, the scrawling
-, writer chap,
no "a IeAI tne poem caIeI W ABOUT our ou IhIshap
the claim,
And slla that shs dldnt J. 10 cross ner was
ran,
e At least 'twould be unworthy literary man;
churls;
girls.
My wife is at her mothers, and am out at grass
With taste Tor new-churned butter, and cream,
and rural lass
And a little apple brandy to wash down bread and
cheese.
Il only ask for freedom to come and 90 at will,
Aud the right Of hshin' sundays BY the nearest
water-mll;
And dash of sage and onions with the canvas duck
at noon,
moon.
ave authors don't reap fortunes, and so you'll
make your charge
Proportoucd to my calling, and anything but large
III Vay you, ON my honor, you needn't fear a bit
As soon as my Book can compass publisher for it.
III make mountain Of dollars teatchin writin'
school
If ever your Brass wrote him, some folks
should take for tin,
BE certain, for reference always, that Betsey and
are IN -
No end Of other letters I've had to answer, too,
few,
And over the hill 10 the poor-hOuse we might as well
repair.
As dtat Mlth the c4ty-ooarueTs VINO want but couu-
try fare.
We've got one family comm from southwark,
suppose
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24
LET Us SPEAK WELL OF OUR
BROTHER.

oh he not the first to discover
A blot on the fame of a friend,
A flaw in she faith Of another
Whose heart may be true to tho end.
A smile or sigh may awaken
Suspicion most false and undue,
And thus our belief may be shaken
In the hearts that are honest and true.
How often the light smile of gladness
l. worn 10y the friend that we meet,
To cover q soul full Of sadness.
Too proud to acknowledge defeat!
How often the sigh Of detection
Il hcavcd from the hypoCUite's breast,
To parody truth and affection,
Or lull a suspicion to rest.
How often the friends we hold dearest
Their uOt lest emotions conceal,
And bOsOms the purest, sinCerest,
Have secrets they cannot reveal.
We none Of us know one another,
And oft into error may fall;
Then let Us speak well of our brother.
or speak not about him at all.
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24

Poisonous ZINC.-The Boston Jour
nal Of Chemistry declares that zinc is
at least as virulent and fatal a poison as
lead, it's salts, when taken in small guam
titles, producing nausea larger doses
causing vomiting, with violent retching
and cerebral distress. Some painters are
poisoned by zinc paint, and suffer collie
similar to that caused by lead, Water
in contact with zinc or galvanized"
iron pipe, is charged to a greater or less
extent with the chloride, the protoxide
and the carbonate of zinc-all poisonous
to those who use the water.
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24
Sale of Postage Stamps.

The most popular postage stamps may
be gathered from the statement of the
stock of stamps at the mandatory dur
ing the month of July, which shows
about the proportion of the different de-
nominations used by the public in cor
respondence. The number was as fol-
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24

IT struck Oh Essex street young man
that it would be good idea 30 present
his young lady's father with a box of
cigars, and thus establish a precedence
over the "other young man" who was
seeking TO ingratiate himself with the
old party by telling him improbable
stories and laughing in an absurdly
hearty manner over the old party's
stories. The old gentleman was very
glad of the cigars, and Sunday evenings
the box is brought out, and the old
party and the "other young man "
smoke them together while talking and
laughing more absurdly than ever be-
fore. The Essex street young man ut
first grated his teeth, but learning that
that was n sure sign of worms, he alb
ruptly dropped it, and smothers his
wrath rs he can.-Ddn6ury NeiUS.
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24
Horace GreeIey's Habits of Dress.

Mr.. Greeley never became heartily
addicted to "full dress" The last time
the writer Of these words saw him was
in 1870, on the Capitol steps in Wash
ingtOn city. He stopped and talked for,
perhaps, half an hour, though the day
was brOiling hot. recollect that he was
dressed in faultless style, and of after
ward remarking to Mr. Hawkins Taylor,
with whom we walked up the avenue,
that Horace Greeley was the best
dressed man had seen in Washington. 4"
His cravat was not adjusted precisely in
the mode, his hat was evidently worn as
a hat, not as an ornament, and his boots
were not thin-soled; but his whole toilet
was of that careless elegance, BETTING
a distinguished gentleman, who spent
no great amount of time in front of his
lOOking-g glass. The many thousands
who have seen him on lecturing tours
and on other occasions when he was off
editorial duty-when not being driven
before the tempestuous winds of his
busy life-can scarcely credit the numer-
GUS accounts we have had of his care
lessness as to dress. Yet they are cor
rect in the main. His marching suit
was not the same as that he wore ON
dress parade and the grand review. And
it is certain that he never bestowed
much time in getting himself into his
best clothes. Several years before his
death he lectured on one occasion at the
city of Hamilton, Ohio. A barber was
sent for to shave him, and act as tenn
porary UGIet dc chanlbre, by whose
l2bors Mr.. Greeley appeared in the
faultless fashion of an exquisite He
surveyed himself in the glass moment,
and-exploded. Relying his cravat and
jerking his standing collar about with an
energy of manner and of idiom, while
the valet vanished out of the storm, the
lecturer appeared in due time with his
wearing gear a little awry about the
neck, but otherwise without violation of
the mode. He has been seen on the
streets of New York wearing a coat lit
orally ont at the elbows. For many
years of his life he was absolutely in
different as to his dress, and at no time
did he have the desire or the patience
to s i've special attention to his personal
appearance. That he came to be a
passably well dressed gentleman oil oc-
casions when not hard at work. is fact
which we may in justice rather credit
to the genius of his tailor than his own.
If there has been one man who gave
less attention to his toilet, MS a toilet
than any other, that man was, most
likely, Horace Greeley.
The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-24

BARNUM is in England, and will soon
transport to this country the magnifi-
cent spectacle of London by Day and
Night, for the use of which he has paid
$3.50, 900 for FIVE years.