Buchanan County bulletin. [volume] (Independence, Iowa) 1869-1891, 1873-03-07
The Lightning-Rod Man.

The Lightning-Rod Man.
He called in all his radiant beau
ty and inimitable check. Unfortun-
ately we were in a healthy condi-
ton, and he was not denied admit
tance. We knew at once that he
was the lightning-rod man, and we
groaned in anticipation OF the afilic-
ton. ''The editor?" he asked with
a bow.
"No; the editor has just gone out
to kill life insurance man."
"Weil, can explain the matter
to you. Being man of literary at
tainments, you undoubtedly take an
interest in science, which in a few
years has covered the earth with
railroads and telegraphs, which has
filled the rivers with steamboats,,
and the sea with floating palaces,
which has found means to defy the
lightning Of heaven"
1--WE take not the slightest inter
est in science. We regard Robert
Fulton as nuisance, Morse as an
unmitigated rutfian, and think that
Ben njamin Franklin should have
been tied to the tail Of his own kite,
and sent on voyage of discovery
among the thunderbolts. He it was
who invented lightningrod men, the
vilest men who incumber the earth.
A law should be at once passed Civ
ing every man in the community a
right to kill a lightning-rod man ON
sight, or nail him to the chimney
and stick Lightning rod down his
throat, SO that the first sportive
thunderbolt that should come that
way should annihilate him."
We were getting angry, but we
are mild spoken in our anger. He
now planted himself in chair, as
serene and calm as though we had
been calling him benetactor to the
human race.
"You don't understand this light
ming rod-it is the most recent in
vention, unlike anything ever be-
fore produced. 1t will yet take
rank with such inventions as print
in., the steam engine and the tele-
graph. The world will yet revere
the inventor as benetactor second
to no one man who has ever lived.
The Lightning rod is for protecting
the person, not dwelling. 1t is Il
composition of India rubber, iron,
and chemical known only to the
inventor. 1t is to be wound around
the body, and run from the crown
of the hat to the boot heel. Light
ming will have no power to harm
the man who wears it. The rod is
also Il protection against violence.
A man in Nevada wore one OF them.
In a drunken row he was shot ut
seventeen times without being in
jured; a hatchct exploded and killed
the man in whose hands it was
when he atte npted to strike the
man who wore the charmed light
ming rod-,hat is the name it bears.
He took voyage to San Francisco.
On the way the train on which he
was travelling was pitched down a
gorge 1900 feet in depth. Every
body else on the train was killed,
and the cars and locomotive were
dashed to pieces, and he walked to
San Francisco without experience
ing the slightest Inconvenience.
The man who uses the charmed
lightning rod cannot die by violence
it is doubtful, indeed, if he will
ever die, as no person who has pur-
chased one has yet died"
He would have continued, but we
interrupted him with "You wear one
OF them?"
81 would not be without one Of
them for sums untold; | would SOON
er do without food or sleep"
"And would it be impossible to
hurt you while you wear it?"
GAS impossible as it would be-
FIR fly to eat up the Rocky Noun
tains."
"Will you wait for us few min
utes, while We give some necessary
directions?"
"Certainly," was his instant re-
ply. "My entire afternoon is at
your disposal"
We went out and collected all
the men employed about the build
ing, and told them the circumstan-
ces, and each man armed himself at
once. None OF them had ever kill
cd man, and each was anxious to
enjoy the luxury of trying to do so.
We got u neighbor who owns Il
Russian bloodhound as big as a
Shetland pony to bring him into
the building. We then marched
double file into the editorial rooms.
The man with the dog led the way.
The noise caused the lightning rod
man to turn his head. He gave one
howl, and fled through the back
door, followed by a volley of shot
and the Russian bloodhound. We
followed them up Franklin street
and across the Park to Broadway.
There we stopped. But the blood
hound did not return for two days,
and there was tiendish glare in
his eyes, as though he had been en-
joying himself in his savage way.
We much fear that the l.. X. M. has
been digcstcd ere this. The fate
of this wretched man should be u
warning to all agents who think of
invading the sacred precincts of our
sanctum, or who try to impose upon
the crcdulity of the editor.-Er-
change.
-,