St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1873-08-08
Wit and Humor.

y man VINO had been to Il crowded
ball SAID he was fond of rings on the
fingers, but he didn't like bellies on his
toes.
New apples are one dollar and ten
cents quart. Ten cents for the apples
and Il dollar for a Doctor Danhury
News.
"What's the date of your hustle ?"
was what an anxious papa asked his
well-dresscd daughter, after searching
for the latest copy Of his paper.
When IA crowd of jayhawkers started
disturbance in Texas church. the
other day, the preacher raised up a
shotgun and said. civilian Dello, sit
down, or I'll make it painful for you."
William sat down, and was as quiet az
a lamb.
Mrs. Snidkins SAYS her husband is
three handed man-right hand, left
hand. and a little behind hand.
y New Hampshire paper speaks of
the Idiots who ale climbing the White
Mountains To get view of the COWS
pasturing i'll the meadows below"
Wilson, the celebrated vocalist, was
upset i'll his carriage near Edinburgh.
cldent, sad: I'VE are happy to state
that he was able to appear on the fol
lowing evening in three pieces
Houghton's "Monographs" has this
new story of Sydney Smith: "IIe was
gOod-naturcd and tolerant: hut when
Lord Melbourne. whom he had gone to
see upon some business. interlarled his
conversation with much cursing and
swearing. he quietly remarked. Let lis
assume that everybody and everything
are damned. and proceed to the subject
misfortune has lately befallen Il
Chicago editor. BY an adverse and
cruel fate he has found himself far off
III san Francisco writing up the Chinese
question. and the free passes are cut off,
lie now writes to his wife that as his
liver Is badly ont of order he intends
walking home. and that he expects to
arrive some time in lS14. in time for
their wooden wedding.
Prentice Milford thus writes of his ex
prrience at the Vienna exposition: "Of
course | got lost. | couldn't find the
'AuSgang. This. in German. means
the git out place must have walked
seven miles in that maze of buildings
before the 'AuSgang' presented itself.
| knew that it would come sooner or
later. | knew that if simply stopped
and stood still the 'Ausgang' would
come round where | stood. | think
about five hundred other people were
similarly lost. for they kept coming up
to me and imquiring in all sorts of Ian
guagcs where the 'Ausgang' was.
said to them: Il am simply fellow
worm of the dust like yourself Yes
terday, or the day before yesterday. on
last week. or maybe, last year, man
aged with great deal of difficulty to
get in here. and I've been wandering
around ever since irving to get out.
Some said 'law' and some said .Sor y"
\ man who was boasting of the unus-
uaI height of his relation was annoved
hy one of his company. who said he
had a brother twelve feet high I'm
possible" snarled the boaster. "WeIl.
two halves make whole. don't they ?"
asked the other. "les." was the reply.
'Wcll. then. I've got two half-brothcrs.
each of whom is six feet high" was the
logical reioinder.
One night last week Louisville gen
tleman, who had retired to rest after a
light supper of soft-crabs and cucum-
bcrs, awoke i'll the night with certain
pains which excited his fears of an at
tack of cholera. No time was to he
lost in warding off the fell destroyer
He splang from his spring mattress. and
seizing bottle of camphor, took Il
swallow and then vigorously rubbed the
afflicted portion of his person with the
restorative, continuing the application
after he had returned to bed. He expc-
ricuced prompt relief, but, us his fright
left him, ii occurred to him that his
camphOr had lost its customary odor.
Again he rose, and this time turned on
the gas. single glance at his night
shirt told the tale. Instead of camphor
he had used a bottle of superior writing
fluid. Another discovery of the virtues
of ink was made at Washington during
the recent heavy thunder STORM An
elderly lady. Il devout Catholic, became
81 alarmed at the severity of the cleo
tric discharges that she closed the win
dows and curtains of her bedroom, and
having made the room as dark as pos
Siblr. procured from the cupboard a
bottle of holy water, with which in one
hand and prayer beads in the other.
she sprimklcd the room thoroughly. As
was to he expected the storm soon
ceased, and with a feeling of relief the
curtains were raised, the shutters were
thrown open, and the good lady dis
covered the carpet, the furniture, and
coumterpame, and walls sprinklcd with
violet ink of delicate hue. Every effort
was made to- remove the spots and pre-
vent the Joke from leaking ont, but in
vain-the printer heard of it, and the
good old lady is now visiting a friend
i'll the country.