The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-07-11
HUMOROUS.

A young husband calls his wife
"Birdie," because, he saws, she is always
associated in his mind with a bill.
-Spicer thinks lighthouse would
be the best place to store cheese in, be
cause it is warning to shippers.
-"I'm not getting married as much
as / was" is the latest way of saying
"No" to an impassioned suitor.
Pride always indemnifes itself, and
takes care to be no loser, even when II
renounces 7snity.-ROchefoucdId.
The advocates OF capital punish
ment answer their opponents by saying:
'"You must draw the line somewhere. y
The despotism of custom is on the
wane we are not content to know that
| things are we ask whether they ought
| to be.
Warm letters, K N; cold letters, /
@: mourning letters, A NJ sculptors'
letters, r E G.; quiet letters, E 2 (;
astute letters, Us stinging letters, BIS.
-Binks tumbled downstairs the other
day, and that wretch Bevins said that
| it was better proof of the descent of
man than any Darwin had given.
1t is remarkable fact that, al
though common sheep delight in ver-
dant fields, religious hocks. are not
anxions for green pastors.
"A friend of ours is in a dilemma ;
he says his fance objects to his being
"loose;" and yet threatens to discard
him if she ever sees him tight.
An uptown young lady, speaking
of one of her aversions, said the severest
thing on record "He's almost a per-
feet brute-he only lacks instinct. "
"A Pittsburgh coroner makes no
charge where he sits on a young man
who parted his hair in the middle. He
says that his personal satisfaction is
enough, without the fee.
Mrs. James Bogg of Washington,
Ind, has a young son who measures SIX
feet seven inches one way and sixteen
years the other. The glory of that wo-
man is in her heir.
An Iowa farmer chewed the end Of
his hoe-handle into splinters when he
discovered that the tobacco plants he
had been assiduously cultivating for
weeks were nothing but MULLEN stalks.
"A little boy asked lady who made
her teeth. "My Creator" she replied.
"Well, said the youngster, "Dr. -
made my mas, and they beat your'n
clean out C'sigFt."
How to drive away ants is If they
are married aunts, borrow some money
from their husbands. If they are single,
let 'em take care of the baby for the af,
ternoon, while your wife goes to a mat
inee.
There are three things which can in
wise be used for good-malice, envy
and folly end there are three things
that can by no means be employed for
evil, humility, contentment and liber' |
ality.
The statistician has been at work, |
and he estimates that Chicago, by con-
verting her into an e, might save at
least five thousand dollars per annum
in the ink now wasted in dotting the
vowel of the first syllable.
A Peoria gentleman has a valuable |
library of over thousand volumes, and |
he got It cheap. Ee took agricultural !
reports which were sent to him, and had !
the backs tastefully labeled as the works |
of the great authors.
Socrates called beauty a short-lived |
tyranny; Plato a privilege of nature F.; !
lneODuTHSJuS, d HllCiAb NhCdb LhNoSAA !
tus, delightful prejudice; and Aristo- |
tie affirmed that it was better than all
the letters of recommendation in the
world.
Why do you not eat 4? said a glut- |
ton to an old philosopher, as he was
gorging himself with all the delacies of |
a feast. Why do you eat ? replied the |
sage in return. For my pleasure, said |
the gourmand. 1t is for my pleasure |
that I refrain, said the philosopher.
"A sailor explaining quadrille TO |
his mess-mate. thus describes the third
figure You first heave ahead, said he,
and pass your adversary's yard-arm, re-
gain your berth on the other tack in the |
same order, take your station with your |
partner in line. back and fill, and then
fall on your keel, and bring up with |
your partner; she then maneuvers
ahead, off alongside of you; then make
sail in company with her until nearly |
astern of the other line, make stern |
board, cast her off to shift for herself, |
regain your place the best way you can,
and let go your anchor.