The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1873-05-06
A Struggle with a StoYe-Pipe.

Putting up stove is not so difficult in It
SELF 1t is the pipe that raises four-fifths of
the mischief and all the dust. You may take
and yet that pipe won't come together again
as it was before. You find this ont when
you are standing in chair with your arms
full of pipe and your mouth full of of soot
Your wife is standing on the floor in posi-
ton that enables her to see you, the pipe and
the chair, and here she gives utterance TO
these remarks that are calculated to hasten
man into the extremes of insanity. Her
dress is pinned over her waist, and her hands
rest on her hips. She has got one of your
hats on her head, and your linen coat on her
back, and pair of rubbers on her feet. There
is about five cents's worth of pot black on her
nose, and a lot Of -four on her chin, and alto
gether she is q spectacle that would inspire
a dead man with distrUst. And while you
are up there trying to circumvent the awful
contraries of the pipe and telling that you
know some fool has been mixing it., she
stands safely on the floor and bombards you
with such domestic notices as "What's the
use of swearing so?' ''You know no one
has touched that pipe" "You amt got any
more patience than child" 'sDo be careful
of that chair" And then she goes of and
| reappears with an armful more OF pipe, ana
before you are aware of it she has got that
| pipe so horribly mixed up that it docs seem
! no two pieces are alike.
You join the ends, and work them to and
fro, and TO and fro again, and then you take
them apart and look at them. Then you
spread one out and jam the other together,
and mount them once more. But it is no go.
You begin to think the pieces are inspired
with life, and ache to kick them through the
window. But she doesn't lose her patience.
She goes around with that awfuliy exasper-
ating rigging on, with length of pipe under
each arm and long-handled broom in her
hand, and says she don't see how it is some
people never have any trouble putting up
stove. Then you miss the hammer. You
don't see it anywhere. You stare into the
pipe along the mantel, and down on the
stove, and off to the floor. Your wife watch
es you, and is finally thoughtful enough to in
quire. what you are looking after, and on
learning, pulls the article from her pocket.
Then you feel as If you could 90 out doors
and swear hole twelve feet square through
block of brick buildings, but she merely OBJ
serves: ''Why on earth don't you speak
when you want anything, and not stare
around like a dummy" When that part Of
tle pipe which goes through the wall is up,
she keeps it up with the broom, while you
are making the connection, and stares ut IL
with an intensity that is entirely uncalled
for. All the while your position is becoming
more and more interesting. The pipe don't
go together, of course. The SCOT shakes
down into your eyes and mouth, the sweat
rolls down your face and tickles your chin az
it drops off, and it seems as if your arms are
slowly but surely drawing out of their sock
cts.
Here your wife comes to the rescue by in
quiring If you are going to be all day doing
nothing, and if you think her arms are made
of cast iron; and then the broom sliys of the
pipe, and in her endeavor to recover her hold
she jabs you under the chin with the handle
and the pipe comes down on your head With
its load of fried SCOT, and then the chair tits
forward enough to discharge your feet. and
you come down on the wrong end of that
chair with force that would bankrupt nile
driver. You don't touch that stove aga;n
You leave your wife examining the chair anI
bemoaning Its injuries; aud 60 into the kitch-
en- and ., wash your skinned and bleeding hands
with yellow soap, Then you 60 down street
after man to do the business. and your wife
goes over to the neighbours with her chair,
and tells them about its injuries. and drains
the neighborhood dry Of it's svronathv long be-
'ore you get thome.-Danburv Neps.