The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1873-03-29

help you Cod
II An editor Of Missouri newspaper wants
d Ihuy Il COW that can climb into country Wagon
n and get her grub. He is not particular about h'
l. milking qualities, provided she Is g00u Gimme
There is COW in Macomb that can fill the Dll,
the owner can be induced to part with her. Sh
d can do anything from picking paddock on
Igatc to climbing CREASED pole Tor amusemeh
--Udcoab Edgh
+ He will find the very bovine he needs at Otti
5 wa. Some of them have been known to elm
d the Court House stecple to watch for wagons {
hay and shclled corn, so rs to notify the othc
. cows, and be on hand for lunch at the prope
time.
Here is how the printer boys defend themselves
A typo, whose nose shone like beacon fror
r the cOpious libation Of stimulants, having bee
asked why his craft was dsspatcd, made the fol
lowing poetical reply:
When others Stunned the murky sky
Where flash on flash was brihgtening
Great Frankling went to fly his kite
And bottled up the lightning.
And since his time, when cares oppress
And the hard times are lightning,
| The printer seeks to drown his woes
In draughts of "bottlcd lightning"
When badly tattercd-his warm heart
| place for grief to rankle in
He takes the lightning" flies his kites,
| And thinks himself Franklin.
There was a fight between Danbury and Nor
walk roosters in this place Friday. The pain
every good citizen must feel over such brutal
display is somewhat modified by the fact that
our rooster licked-Do.Jry NeCs.
Here is a touching incident, done in sad
strain:
Mr.. McCamly participated in lamp explosion
at Allegan, Mich, and now may calmly tell MS
friends about it with one eye smut.
A Mrs Day, Of Springfield, ILL.,, lately gave birth
TO ouadruplets. The broken.hearted father says
Solomon was quite right when he said we do not
know "what day may bring forth"
The total abstalners in England are about to
employ new weapon in their warfare against
the vice Of intoxication. They propose issuinga
weekly comic paper, advocating the cause OF
temperance and ridiculing drunkards and the
vendors Of intoxicating drinks The idea in IL
self Is comic enough-E1
The idea Of attempting to make drunkard
any more ridiculous than he is, is preposterous.
A man in an adjoining town being asked to sign
for a papcr--no matter whose, replied that he
didn't take any newspapers, nor never had, but
lowed that he knowed rs much as his ncighbors.
The Chcnoa Times is responsible for tho state
mcnt that:
We know man at Cheuoa that has shaked
with the aguc SO long that the people use him
FOR a carpet shaker.
The western press ayows its willingness TO
accept the theory of spontaneous generation If
potato bugs appear after such winter as the one
Just passed.
Captain Thomas Phelan amuscs the public at
Kansas City by Shooting from the head of Mr..
Murphy wine glass and an apple, and from his
mouth a pipe, and from between his finger and
thumb a silver half dollar. Finely written obitu-
airy notices of Mr.. Murphy are kept standing in
the newspaper offices at Kansas City, ready for
use.
A Toledo barber had his head broken because |
he neglected to part young mans hair behind, |
Such thoughtlrssness deserves the sevcrest
rebuke-E1.
OF course ii does. That barber, by neglccting
to do that job Of parting accurately, might have
destroyed the fellows equilibrium 50 as TO render
him incapable OF walking
An exchange having said, "Thc first robin has
been seen, but one robin doesn't make spring"
the Auburn BULLETIN retorts, Try him with bug
and ec.'-EL,
We think it might require an effort to find a
bug with which to make the trial.
Almost every home in Northern Iowa has a
piano, but the only thing played upon them Is
seven up" and poker" when they are not used
rs dining table by the family.-Er.
We did not know that people Of Iowa were so
far beyond us in civilization; We have not yet
learned TO put pianos TO any sensible use here.
Mrs. Sweitzer, Of Omaha, went TO bed and
directed The servant to come and turn down the
lamp. She turned a live wick till il dropped in
10 the OIL An explosion, scorched quilts, and
frightened woman in the arms Of "anothcr' man
were the re>ults-a mixture OF pain and pleasure
-Er.
The husband returning home would make the
mixture still more disagreeable
At the end Of General Grants CONCLUDING form
of Office Illinois will have furnished Presidents to
the United States for the term Of sixteen wears
They Will be calling her "thc mother Of Presi.
dents" before long Supreme Judges is what she
particularly prides herself on, however.
The Ottawa FREE TRADER looks almost Is hand
some as " Bcemus' mi new dress Now B ynu
ought to be happy man.-W ,Rora Igd.1.
How "insultin," TO be certainly II
St Paul, MINI, must he in sadly UNPROTECTED
state An exchange informs us that the city has
lost Us police, and now IL has nobody but the
angels Ia watch over IT, A. the supply Of angels (
is limited in the west, St Paul is in considerable
Carotta Patti died in 81. Louis yesterday, Of
consumption. Tcrre-iautc remembers with Il
pleasure the concert she gave here during the
\ mistake. Il was Carlo Patti that died. Con.
sumptiy,s have shrunkcu chests Carlntfn'. isr',
shrunkcn. Not mucEi And she dresses In the
most fashionable style Ia show that II is not an
artificial dcyelopment-.na
Nobody ever stands in the horse ears at Leay.
enworth, Kan. When gentleman enters n car
the nearest young lady rises aud offers a seat |
She then sits on his lap and both are satisfied.
We pine for street railways at Ottawa con.
Quoted on the Kansas plan.
An exchange tells about brave little hoy who
found broken rail on the railroad track and
pcrcciyin1r the ne ril in which the te,iu V,uid d.