The Toledo chronicle. [volume] (Toledo, Tama County, Iowa) 1873-1924, 1873-05-08
An Essay on the Doctors
BY THE "FAT CONTRIBUTOR.

time; so here goes:
There are great many kinds OF
doctors-big doctors and small doc
tors, old school doctors, doctors OF
the new school, and doctors without
any schooling whatever. There are
doctors OF law and doctors of sonin-
laws; ear doctors, nail doctors and
doctors who 60 az you tooth and toe
nail, eye doctors and lou doctors;
| electic doctors, and not of the elect,
who go it mostly on the tick.
Thus we have cold water doctors,
and doctors who straw it a good
deal root doctors and doctors whose
motto is root hog or die y
Spiritual doctors, and doctors
very much out of spirits; magnetic
doctors, and doctors who haven't any
magnetism in them-or much else
laying on OF hands doctors, and doc
tors who will take anything they can
lay their hands on, except their own
physic.
Swea doctors are numerous. Ii
they don't sweat their patients, Their
patients make them sweat. And
q Il. t,. Il
to sweat around a good deal to get
their pay.
Among Indian doctors are the full
bred, hall bred, corn bred, and doe
tors not bred at 71.f-as least not to
medicine, the latter class beng far
the most Numerous As general
thing, Indian doctors, as they call
themselves, know nothing whatever
about Indians. Many never saw
one. But that is nothing strange in
medicine. Men have practicel med
icine all Of their lives, without enjoy.
ing the slightest acquaintance with
| it.
Herb doctors are popularity sup
posed to spend large portion OF
their time in meandering through the
fields, culling herbs. Nothing OF the
sort. Lots ct them wouldn't know
catnip from 'pennyrile,' l. they saw
them growing. They Gull their herbs
at the drug gist's.
There are lung doctors, and doc.
tors with very little lungs, although
tolerablc livers. Doctors are good
liyers as a general thing.
The throat doctor appears in va
rlctiety of forms, not strictly recog
nized in medicine, Tue hang an is
the most thorough throat doctor we
have, His remedy-a structure OF
hemp--rare!y fails to cure the most
obstinate throat difficulty. Few per-
sons have ever been heard to com.
plain Of their throat after the first
application.
Barkeepers are another variety of
throa. doctors whose mixtures, also,
arc too familiar to many people. Cold
water is the safest thing for the throat
as an Inward application.
Pepper doctors were quite popu.
lar some years ago. They don't pep
per us so much as they did, though
many doctors are peppery enough
yet.
Mustard doctors are in the army
for the most part, unless they arc
mustered out.
Cancer doctors arc almost as nu-
merous as cancers themselves. Every
cancer doctor exhibits SO many can.
GERS that he has taken out, that |
sometimes wondered If they didn't
take it out il. cancers. ] was once
shown a tumor so large / asked the
doctor II space was valuable, why he
didn't stick his pa,ien: away in
glass jar and lev the tumor walk
around.
Corn doctors should not be over.
looked. Some of them are very
skillful in taking off corn. A corn
doctor took off corn tor me once.
and he took it off SO far that it was
nearly week before it was back
again.
No man who hasn't horse sense
has any business trying to be horse
doctor, although he may get a diplo.
ma to doctor men. Even the con.