The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-04-18
HUMOR.

-CnO6ky = BW6liB -N1umpb.
The fish most certain to be paid
for-C-o-d.
Some of our Congressman need
backbone more than back pay.
Strange, when money is so hard, -
that hard money should be 80 scarce.
' Mr.. Gum, our Darwinian friend,
thinks he descended from Parrot. He
is a smooth bore.
What is the difference between the
duties of a valet and the duties of q
nurse? The first brushes ones hat, the
other brushes one's brat. %a &
The gen'leman so often spoken of in
novels, who riveted people with his gaze,
has obtained employment in boiler
manufactory, with extra pay, on account
of his peculiar faculty.
"A Mrs. Day, of Springfield, H.,
lately gave birth to quadruplets. The
broken hearted father says Solomon
was quite right when he said we do not
know "what a day may bring forth. /"
-"You seem to be a little hoarse,
my love-" remarked Simpkins to his
spouse, when she had cold GA lit
tie hoarse, indeedp she replied, mislik-
ing the personal allusion. "Better be
that than big mule.
Worthy Pastor My boy, learn
to be contented mouths are never sent
without the bread to feed them" Prac-
tical Boy" Oh, ah but the mouths
are sent to our house, and the bread to
yoHrn r
1t is said that Miss Anna Diciin-
son, on being asked by green lecture
committeeman where her husband was,
replied tartly, "In Texas p Probably
he thought he had better go to Tex
as than to Hav-anna-
q Many persons consider the game of
base ball a silly, nonsensical amuse-
ment. They are mistaken. A Terre
Haute catcher recently caught a
coal-oil lamp on the fly, hot from the
hands of his infuriated wife.
kYorkshireman went to consult one
of the most conscientious lawyers, and,
after stating his case, said, "Now, sir,
l know you're a lawyer, but I wish you
would just please tell me the truth
about this matter" s-s-
There is at least one happy man in
Connecticut. His wife, who has been
dumb for twelve years, has Just recov-
cred her speech. Imagine the poor
mans condition when we say she is
making up for lost timei
Mamma" And if poor mamma
had not recovered, and had gone away
from her little George forever, what
would he have done?" Little George
ST don't know, Ma, but guess me and
Jimmy Goggins would have gone skat-
ingP'
"A Danbury family which is sus-
tanned by charity, almost perished
from hunger on Friday night. The
little girl who makes the daily rounds
in quest of food was prevented from
going out that morning by losing one
of her earrings.
"A solicitor, who had recently been
engaged by prominent ife-insurance
firm. returned to the Office of his en-
ployers, the other day, and complained
that he had been snubbed by a gentle
man on whom he had called. "Snub-
bed" cried the manager, "snubbed
Why, what did you do that he should
have snubbed you? I have solicited
life insurance from the Atlantic to the
Mississippi, and have never been snub-
bed. have been kicked down stairs,
beaten over the head with chairs, and
thrown out of the window, but snubbed
[ never have been. The solicitor is
driving a coal wagon.
"A humorous individual was edify-
ing an audience with the old story of
the stump-speaker who was enlarging
upon the evils of q national debt, and
concluded with the fight of Oratory.
'' Fellow citizens, / am credibly inform
ed that the debt of Great Britain, at
this present moment, exceeds the sum
Of nine thousand dollarsP' This was
too much for slightly elevated old gem
tleman in the crowd, who steadied him
self against the counter, and proceeded
10 destroy the delusion: whats that
you saw. YOU mani The-you're cred
ibly inthronedl You must be thinking
Of he-hic-interest of the debt.
tell YOU. sir, that the debt of Great
Britain exceeds the-hic-sum of nine |
~ thousand dolIars!" twas useless to
argue with an old gentleman who had
been there, and who knew all
about it.
The Colonel had been recommend
ed to take horseback exercises for the |
benefit of his health, by his physician, |
md accordingly applied at a well known
stable for the animal. In about three |
hours he returned, covered with dust |
and perspiration, and, with the assist
ance of one of the hostlers, slowly and |
eainfully descended from his steed. |
' How much ?" "Three dollars, Colo |
1el." He slowly drew his wallet and.
aid down the required sum. Shall |
zou want the horse again tomorrow, |
Colonel % "No, / sha'nt want him
my more at ALL" Indeed said the
stable-keeper, with a twinkle in his
sye, as he noted the Colonel holding on
o his lacerated body; " Perhaps the
horse don't suit you" 90, yes said
Barnes, quickly; there's nothing the |
natter with the horse he's all right.
It's the price / object to-" "The |
price !" said the stable-keeper "why
only charged You three dollars, Colo
lei, which we consider cheap for the
lorse's services all the afternoon
. Well, / don't, squealed Barnes, rub
ping his aching body " for whenever 1
want thing Of this kind again, know
! big Irishman who will kick me all day
or half the money"
Calling a boy up in the morning |
AN hardly be classed under the head OF
9 past-times," especially if the boy is
'ond of exercise the day before. There
s rarely a mother who is a success at
boy. All mothers know this
70 do their boys. And yet the mother
seems to go at it in the right way. She
opens the stair door and insinuatingly !