davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
DIR. MILLER'S
Soothing and Healing BaIsam.

AAND tHEERFULLY RECOMMEND IT To
n the pabhe as being the best Family Medicine in
the world Tor the internal and external complaints
ioF which IL Is recommended 1t is fast gaining pop
uiar favor auG bas already reached offensive sales
All We ask IN order 70 convince the M st sNeptiCa of
the powerful efficacy Of this Great Remedy Is the
tflal OF one bottle costing only 81 cents. and you
waiI never be without it. or hesitate So recommend
i te yeur friends Sold by Druggists everywhere.
Every bottle used according to directions Is
ted to cure or money refunded
The propTletors challenge the world 50 produce is
superior as a remedy. Testimonial received Gai's
IN reference to tGe astonishing it has perform
ed IL is used and recommended by prominent PITY.
slcians throughout the country.
II has proved nf9be for burns scales frozen
limbs. bruises. spFaIHs, wounds OF all kinds pains l
the SIDE. back or shoulders. piles, C1rns chitai-
ehappeG hans stiG neck ague in tbs face and hr,as
eaTathe, deafness, loss OF motion of limbs osouiu-
cTysipeia~, Inflammation OF the eyes. jnhamed ri
tation Of the skin, For rheumatism il il not d Ct
tain cure, yet hundreds have been relieved by il
when other remedies had failed
a. an internal medicine, WHEN taken in season. il
Will cure Group, asthma, hoaFseness sore throat dry
cough, whooping cough, cankcr in the mouth sore
ups, ihuAnulatlon OF the bowels dysgntery kidney
complaints. and cholera moFbus
Inc baisam has also given great relief in many
cases OF diptheria
No person fear to this medicine as il is purtTv
EegSiaoie IN It's composition. I is soothing and
nean1s n MS influence and may be given to any age
or sex with perfect safety
j. MILLER & SONS. PropFietor~
TTroTlaence, Rhode Island, and 212 Broadway, New
aoFK' d&w
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24

Letter-Carrier, Boston Hiehlandsi Mas,
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
Extract Of Buchu.

a Specific Remedy for ali diseases of the Urinary
Organs. As non-retention incontinuance of urine
irrtanoas inflammation, or liberation Of the Bladder
and kidneys stone in the Bladder Gravel. or Brlck
dust deposit Bright disease milky discharges aud
all diseases Of the Bladder. Kidneys OF PROSTATE
Gland whether affecting Male, Female Child
FoE WEAKNESS, arissag from youthful jBdiScre-
tlDH abuse ccCeSssS dtSsi patton offended gFk
IF t8s fOO1otHq sym t01ls Nervous DebiItfB
Lass q Memory, Id5sgoSitoH 70 erertioh or 5uS5.
ness Loss Of P6rer, sh0rtfesS q Breath Tre8s-
bling Troubled aoith thoughts OF Disease D9EaaeSs
a IlS50H. Pain in he Buck. Chesf and Head Rush
gf Bt7od 10 rh5 Head. ska Eraptioas, PATE CoHn-
If these symptoms ere allowed to go on, v.ry FIRE.
quentiy EpiepdC Fits and Consumption follow.
The insane aeylums and the records of death by con
sumption bear ample witness 10 the truth Of the as
sertion where the constitution becomes affected with
organic weakness, requires the aid Of an invignr
atIuE medicine 10 strengthen and tone up the svs
TEN. which HENDERSON 5 BUCHC does in every case
FoR FEMALES, young or old, married or single al
the dawn of womanhood or al the turn of life liEN
pEHsos BUDHU has no equal in diseases peculiar
to females, as in painful or difficult menstruatlon
Chronic inflammation of the Uterus. Falling of The
Womb, LeuhhTrca or " hies, Sterility Barrenness
ant Az complaints incident TO the sex whether arts
ing from indiserhtion. habits ofdisspation or in he
decline OF change of life. Henderson : BuCHU il
puequalied BY any remedy known Ii is prpscrjb,+i
by the most eminent physicians ali over the world
to be used after confinement, and ali enfeehed con
situations Of both sexes and all ages.
DYSPEPSIA OR INDIGESTION, hkadache pain in the
shoulders, coughs dizziness, sour stomach, cructa
tons. bad taste in the mouth paipitatiun of the
heart pain in the region of the ki lneys and thous
! and other painful symptoms, are the offspring Of
Dyspepsia. HENpERsos's BucHU invigoI ates The
stomach, stimulates the torpid Liver Bowels and
Kidneys to healthy action, in cleansing the blood
Of a Impurities. and impartiRg life and viroI
10 tia whole system. IT is the Great Life givinp
Principle.
PIs TAPE AND OTHER WORMS. by which thousand,
of p'.uus, yuung and old. affected are ciectuaI
~ ie.anFe ed from the system by HENDERSON, JcHU,
Worn r&ist upon the diseased humors and not uIp
on rHH healthy elements Of the body Noyerm iffe-s
authr ninjiCa system Of medicine will SO etlectu
ally free the system frOm these monsters Of disease
/ like HENDERSON New and Improved Extract BU
chr.
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
4 CARD 10 THE LADIES.
DUPONCO'S
GOLDEN PERIODICAL PILLS.

THERE Is NOT A LADY LIVING, hut what at
! some period %. her life will ind DUPONCO'S
golden PILLS inst Che updtclu, she needs
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
- sdssE TEE.
Ezzzs-tzazsz-zazz.zzsa.ss;;u..,z

le-Sdw1y
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24

FOR WATsTHAT ARE DARK AND TRIcKsTHAT ARE
VAIN 1t is said that the heathen Chinee' Is pecu-
lar This Is doubtless true. But these features are
also apparent within the ranks ofthe American peo-
pie. We would suggest to those unfortunate persons
who have been in the ways that are dark, or who
have injudciousy practiced "tricks that Vain,"
that there is help for them. DR. E. j. Reynolds of
Rochester th great friend to errng humanity is the
person to furnish the proper and speedy relief and
cure The advertisement Of DR., Reynolds will he
found in this paper and from his great success In the
branches of the profession iowhrch he has devoted
many years of his life he is very generally conad-
ed in
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24

Which is at the rate within fraction OF
a. per cent for collecting the revenue.
And To show up the swindle in an import
ant custom-house in two lines we state
Percentage Of cost Of collecting customs
revenue in Gloucester in 1857, ia per
cent
Percentage Of collecting customs reyc-
hue in Gloucester in 1871, within a frac-
ton Of rs per cent -Ne1r York World.
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
Ths Sailg Arsns.
Grants Bosi-Eaters in tho Custom House,

When the ox-revenue reform New
York EcsHiHg Post insisted that the big
swindles in the little oustom-houses were
absolutely necessary, in order that the
whole system Of customs revenue may
thereby be benefited, it acted as it has been
wont to do of late, IN entire ignorance of
the subject 1t had, however, the result
10 divert our researches for awhile from
the little custom-houses, and we showed
the big swindles in the larger ports of
Charleston and Richmond We propose
to-day to show the big swindle in large
custom-house nearer home.
Gloucester, Mass, was in 1857 a port of
some Importance, and is still considered
one of the large ports Of entry. In 1857,
when our aggregate duty on imports was
lac per cent, we collected $5S, 46l 81
revenue from customs in that port. To
collect this revenue we employed the fol
lowing officials at the salaries stated:
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
Rosadalis.
IOOSADALIS

THE GREAT SOUTHERN
l. remedy for the cur of Scro-
lula, Scrofulous faint, Rheuma.
ism, White Swelling, Gout,
Goitre, Consumption, Bronchi-
It's, Nervous Debility and all dis
eases arising from an impure con-
dition of the Blood.
The merits ofthis valuable prepar-
alton are SO we'll known that PASSING
notice is but necessary 20 remind the
readers of this Journal ofthe necessi.
y OF Always having bottle of this
mealcine among their stock of family
Certificates can be presented from
many leading Physicians, Ministers,
ana heads offamilies throughout the
south, endorsing in the highest terms
re rand Eztraet Of Rosddalis.
DE. X. Wilson Carr of Baltimore
says "he has used il in cases Of Scrof-
ula and other diseases with much sat
isfacuon.
Or. II. c. Pugh Of Baltimore, re-
comments it to all persons suffering
Win diseased Blood, saying il is su-
used.
Rev Dabney Ball of the Balti-
more M. L. Conference South SAYS he
mas oeenso much benefited by its use
that ne cheerfully recommends 1t to
az ms friends and acquaintances.
raven q Co., Druggists. at Cor
aonsvlle, Va, say it never has failed
TO give satisfaction.
samI u. McEadden. Murfrees,
ooro, Tennessee, says il cured him Oh
hheumatism when all else failed.
kosadalis is not asecret qusck prep
aration, its ingredients are published
on every package. Show It to your
PHYSICIAN and he will tell you 4 10
composed of the strongest alternatives
that exist, and is an excellent Blood
Purifier. Did our space admit we
could give you testim onia 10 from
every State in the South and from
persons known to every man, woman
and child either personally or by rep
lutation.
RosadaIis is sold by all Druggists.
CLEMENTS & Co.,
BALTIMORE, Sole ProprietOrs.
JOHN +. HENRY,
No. 8 CoLfEGE PLACE,
Ns's YaTk. Waalssals Agsas'
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
VANILLA LEM0N, ETC,
For FlaveriHg Ice Cream, Cakes G Pastry

With great care, by a new process, We
extract from the true, select Fruits and
Anomalies, each Characteristic flavor, and
produce Ftd5oriHgs of rare ezeettenee-
Of great strength and perfect purity,
No poisonous osls. E5erg Eaoor as rep
resented. No deceif-edch bottle full
measure, holding oae-haEf more than
others purportiHg to hofd same quGzstitg
Use them once, 5DStI use no other. The
most delicate, delicious RaEors eger made.
So superior to the cheap extracts. Ask
for Dr.. Prices Special Fiavorings Man
ufactured only by
STEELE & PRICE.
Depots, CHICAGO and ST. Louis.
AznbJ Gcturers Of DR.. Prices Crsaaa
BG&iRa PoUder
ti-4dmwf&w1y
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
Great Saving in Coal.

mII,rGHELLS Draught Regulator" can be ap-
:, Pteo 70 any sort Of Stove or heater-saves from
70 p OF me Coal by utilizing all the heat pro-
with less than half the trouble In Keeping hres. on
"a and for sale at Harris Tea Store Teas
al reduced prices free of duty. dtf
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
Why Have Catarrh?

have had Catarrh two years, and have had
the head sore throat etc. 1t troubled more in tba
morning than at any time, as it would be some half
hour before I could breath freely. The dropping
have no trouble about breathing. which Is q great
relief 10 and feel free from 1t as ever did
/ have taken two bottles. Yours respectfully
MRS. II. ] TIRRELI
Uncancnauck House, GoTstown. n H.
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
81 cause TO MARRIED LADIES

=
they are particularly suited. They will in a shorg
time bring the monthly period with regularity;
and althougu very powerful, contain ngtning hurt
Spinal Affections, Pains in the Back and Limbs,
Fatigue slight exertion Palpitaton OF the Heart,
all other means have failed. The circulars around
each package give full directions and advice, or
from observation.
n. BIN all cases where the GENUINE cannot be
obtained, One Dollar enclosed to the Sole PTopris-
tor, JOB MOSES, IS Cortlandt ST., New York, viii
insure O bottle Of the genuine, containing Fifty
Pills, by return mail, sGcuTsiy scaled from any
bry.C LODI ~ ffur farafa
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24

CONVENIENT, ORNAMENTAL AND DJRA-
~ pie Made upon casters and hold from 70 10 81
mower pots wire fencing especially adapted for III
vision fence IN an Office for front yards lawns and
cemeteries when durable aud handsome fence is
Iequfed WIRE counter railings for Offices and banks
screens for windows. for offices and banks Copper
weather Vanes; sandsereBes. fouuders riddles iron
pfAss ana copper Wre galvanized clothes line wire
b'Id cages, wire cloth ard wire work of every de-
scrpioh made 10 order and safely to any part Of
Tue country wholesale and retail send for price lists
&C. T. BARNtM
Proprietor Detroit Wire WORKS, lis Woodward Az
Sane' 'eHo1t, mica mRy26dmwf&wly
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24

THERE Is NOT \ LAD1 LIVING nut what at
| some period o. her life will ind DUPONCO'S
GOLDEN PILLS just Che medicine she needs
For AERTOUS DEBILITY, Held
ACHE, FILNTNESS, Dc,
They never fail and may be depended upun In every
case where the monthly How has been DISTRACTED
through cOid ~ disease. They always give imlpdi-
ate relief A lady writes: Duponro- Golden Pills
relieved me in ONE day without Inconvenience like
ma .siC.
THE GENUINE are in WHITE Boxes, and upon
each box my private REVENUE STAMP, and the words
DUPUNCU'S GOLDEN PERIODICAL PILLS. in
White Letters without which NONE ARE GENUINE,
and the box Is signed 5, T. HOWE"
Fan and expltct directions accompany each box
Price s IOU per box. six boxes $500. Sold by one
Druggist In every town, village. city AID hamlet
throughout the world.
Sold by smith s Bonney and all wholesale and re-
tail druggists in Rock Island.
LADIES, by s9udiug S1.0u 10 any Uf the above. to
the Post Oficc can have the Pills sent ,COnfdcn-
tally by mail to any part OF the country free Of
postage 2-l3dSwly
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
'!9ataiiritNaadj

DR. KENNEDY. Dear sir:-Ihis is to certify that
nave used your Prairie Weed in my practice with
the utmost success; and believe ii to he tbe best
remedy ever discovered for the difficulties for which
y # recommended; have cured more throat and
lung troubles with this remedy than | ever have
with any other. WI nav
Last April, cured two very bad cases of men.
monia aiier they were given up to die They were
sinah paolGs, not over one month old and so near
small and trembling scarcely 10 he feit pn jul.
the Prairie Weed In Tablespoonful doses ever
hall hour and put warm applications to Inc Inng;
cred rapidly, and soon got well 10y '''''
knowing a. 90 Its efficiency feel it my dptv
TO acknowledge 1t to you. and recommend ~ -, ~
public. Yours respectfully, ~ ''''
DR. G. FARSswoRTH.
West Topsham, Vt
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
Nj. MARIA LEACH


I'm Ex,rsrr,y naa- g. hANDs, oet. ]. 1872.
was afflicted for five years with sever r sns'
and raising blood after any violent exertion ~
commenced taking your Prairie Weed abont tue
years ago and have not raised any blood for e;St
cen months past, and believe that owe 10 SUI, SUI
medicine the health which vainly souoht }ron,
many physicians and medicines. | would he s,iad
70 have you refer any one to me who vishes -
know what the Prairie Weed has done for me W
JAMES T. BIcKNErI
Letter-Carrier, Boston Highlands. Mass
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
Watch Buyer Atteatiaa

These watches have Equilibrium eseapemeBts chro-
nomoter balances, exposed rRby pallets. Berguet
hair springs, and full by-jeweiled, and combine
all modern improvements In watch making
These watches were awarded the Grand Prize at
the Paris Exposition Of 1867 for the best perform
ance and greatest accuracy in adjustment and can
be warranted to perform with the same degree Of
regularity as those made by the best manuf2ctur-
ers Of Europe and America
fuil assortment constantly on hand for sale by
QulNCHER kRUGLER, Is Maiden Lane mp
stairs New FORK. Only wholesale agents for the
manufacturers. e-lSdly
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
THE GREAT FRENCH REMEDY.
DELAMARREs SPECIFIC PILLS.

No. 2l4 Rue Lombard Paris.
These pills are highly recommended by the entire
Medical Faculty Of France a. the very best medy
in all cases of SpermatoTrh0ea. or Seminal Weak
ness Nightly, Daily Premature Emissions Sex
ual Weakness or IBlpOfsncy; Weakness Rrisingfrom
Secret Habits and Sexual Exceszea non OF the
Genital Organs; Weak Spine Deposits in the Urine,
and all the CHASTITY train of Diseases arising from
Overuss or Excessss. They cure whenatl otherrem-
edies fail Pamphlet Of Advice in each box. or viii
b. sent Free to any address. Price 81 per Box
sent BY mail securely seated from al ObseTUGti0n
receipt Of price. OSCAR G. MOSES, is CoKTL ANDF
ST., NEw YORK Sole General Agent ioT America
T.HTHoMAsI co. and smjth a on
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24

IMPORTS IN GLOUCESTER.
ts6, .....,..... $40 $50 1870 ........... $TI6ii
i~9 .......... b3,052 iS7l7 .......... Hiss
Thus we show the total imports for four
years, which certainly offer fair indiea-
ton Of the foreign trade Of that port, The
total revenue collected during the four
years at the average duty Of 80 per cent,
was SST, 92o40 or an average OF
S2l $50 10 per annum.
Now, in order to collect this annual
revenue Of S2l,GSO.lO we employed the
following force OF becfea
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24

What a Leading Druggist thinks Of the
Constitutional Chtarrh Remedy.
CONCORD. y. H. Oct. "a ISzU
MEssRs. LINTLEFIELD Il HAYES take pleasure
IN c-Jitying TO the superior medical properties Of
year Constitutional Catarrh Remedy Ii has af-
toTded me much relief during the time | have used
IT, and | checrfGliy recommend It to all who are
afflicted with diseases OF Catarrhal origin. Re
specially yours
GEO. F. CNDERHIIL. Druggist
For sale by Emil koehler, Druggist. Rock Island
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
COMPLEXION POWDER.

retail BY j. A. Pozzoni, 10 South Fifth Street ST.
Louis, No, and by all Druggists, etc. lady
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24

The percentage on collection in the port
Of Gloucester in 1857 was / per cent.
Now let Us compare the swindle in this
port under the present regime
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24

NJ, ty.,- - BATH, ME., Feb. H. 1873.
rev lines this evening, to inform Won hat ~ 6.,
Prairie Weed you sent me last fan has gnne ,le
muen good truly have not words to exnrasS ma
gratitade 70 you for it. My health has not been ~
good ior the last twenty years it has been since
commenced taking The Prairie Weed in Noysmhar
last 1 thank you thousands Of times for il NJ
one night since Last December have H. Al Nos
TO SIT up one hour with phthisic since / have bsen
taking your medicine, My health is so iTnnroas
THIS winter mat 1 can work all the time M HIM
WORK, go more than pay my board and has -
what have not been able to do for long line i" "
Your humble servant, '''ie'
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24

Sold BY all Druggists at 500 yer bottle. Mann.
featured BY DIR. KENNEDY, feo Warren street
Roxbury, Mass, a.idIS
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
BewaT9 OF GcuGt9!IGiIS .
Inn NnCEc' SIR JAMES CLARKEs
HOD HtU1LO FEMALE Pills

are extensively CoUNTERFEtrKD. Di&toEssf Drug
gus sdsGr0T 70 ssiEte c0isfe 1fs fOnaGks grsGseT
pTQ1fs. The genuine hare the name Of J oh Moses
each package. Au0ihers tc0Tthsss limitations
The GHaUIsR Pills unfailing in the cure of ali
those painful and dangerous diseases to which the
female constitution Is subject. They moderate all
excuses and remove all distractions, from what
ever
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
Hand Fire Extinguisher.
THE CHAMPION

II deGlared 10 be the simplest, the most effective
gIlsher III Use. Ii Is ala entirely new invention
ice letters patent all issued within the present
year IL IL therefore free from the detects of all
other fire extiuguishers before the public The in
vehtor OF the CHAMPION, Mr.. j. b. Van byne
hhFfilg had many years experience in Introducing
and handling fire e1tiHgulshers brings forward lhe
ChAMFiON. greatly super OF 10 all others
Corporations and individuals DESTROYS 81 nrotert-
ing their property against fire viii do well TO exam
inc the CHAMPION on WHEELS with 2oG fer If
nose, with hook and ladder attachment II has
capacity of over
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
SPECIAL NOTICES.
ON THE BREAKFAST, LUNCHEON, DINNER AND SUP
PER TABLE
LEA & PERKINS worcestershire
Sauce
&c TNDIGpuNrc ann,

JOHN DUNCAN's SONS, New York.
10-l7dtts&w1y Agents for the u. s.
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
FIFTEEN YEARS

failure l thank all 10 send to me my agents, and
take buck their money, before moving 10 Montreal
Sold everywhere. 81 bottle. Send for Circulars
IL ID FOWLE Chemist, Boston,
The Rock Island daily Argus. [volume] (Rock Island, Ill.) 1872-1873, 1873-04-24
$4,000 GALLONS

from single charge Of its two large cylinders.
arranged as To throw Two effective streams over /
Ieet each at the same time, if an emergency r
The New York herald., 1873-11-09

yNAETED-IN A PAPER HANGING MANUFAC-
w try man thoroughly competent by ability ana
experience to nd the running OF ~ print
ing machines must be practical printer. Address IN
confidence, boz 2,J45 New York Post oInce.
The New York herald., 1873-11-09

YOUNG MAN. HAVING BETWEEN S2,5O0 AND
~ $500 worth OF Machinery new, wishes partner
with 81 900 to Join him in manufacturing
business yielding large pro!its: no knowledge OF the
office.
The New York herald., 1873-11-09

900 EAST 18th ST., BETWEEN I'D AND 3D AVS
LCC AS monthly nurse or invalids attendant; medi-
cal reference Mrs SPRINGETT
The New York herald., 1873-11-09
CLERKS AND saLEsMEr.

SHORTHAND TAUGHT-A PRACTICAL ENGII6H
- system efficient easy aud quickly acquired terms
icr pr,yae Lessons until proficiency attained, Sla Ad
The New York herald., 1873-11-09
THE TRADES.

WANrED.AN Ed TOR, FAMILIAR WITH COM
w mercial journalism, by city daily Address stat
ing terms experiences and references. REDACTEUR,
Herald 0ffice.
The New York herald., 1873-11-09

900 WEST NTH ST, BETWEEN 7TH AND 8TI
40 avs, over thc storc.-A Protestant woman a.
chid's nurse can take charge of an infant from it
birth; good reference.
Weekly Trinity journal., 1873-06-14

YOU'VE SIMPSON, just beginning the
study of natural philosophy, became fond
of applying technical names to common
objects to impress hearers with sense of
his profound knowledge, and tried the
game with his father, one evening"
When he mentioned to him that he had
swallowed some "marine acephalous
mollusks," the old man was much alarm
ed, and he suddenly seized Simpson and
threw him on the floor, held him and
screamed for help. And when Mrs. S.
had come with some warm water, and
the hired man rushed in with garden
pump, they forced half gallon OF water
down young Simpsons throat, and held
him by the heels over the edge of the
porch, and shook him, while the man
said "If you don't get them things out
of William, he will be pizened." And
when they were out, and William ex-
planned that the articles he had alluded
to were only oysters, then his father fon-
died him half an hour with trunk strap,
for soaring the family. Subsequently,
William framed his language in more
familiar phrase.
Weekly Trinity journal., 1873-06-14

THE WIRES REToRT. T.--Old Joe was
quiet old man, but somewhat too fond of
the bottle. When in his cups his ideas
tended towards theological matters, which
he always avoided in his sober moments.
1t was Saturday afternoon, Connecticut
baking day0 and his good wife wanted
some wood for the oven.
= Joe, l do wish you would go and
split some wood here ii is nearly two
O'Clock, and the fire isn't made.
Joe went out to execute his commits
sion, and fearing his physical condition
was weak marched to the neighborine
tavern TO fortify himself therein. He re-
turned home utterly oblivious of every
thing save his pet theories. Seating him
self on a chair, he began
(" ! say, (hic) Jane, do (hic) think (hic)
the Lord (hic) means to burn us all (hic)
up in fire ?" His venerable spouse being
exceedingly irate did not answer. Again
he repeated the question
Wife, do you think tho Lord means
to burn us up in fire everlasting p, ..
"No 7" said the now aroused wife, "no
you fool, not if he wants you to split the
wood" Ea5