Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-12-04
PHUNNtGRAMS.

The cheese is mitier than the pen.
An elderly lady ~endeavoring to post
a letter in a hydrant is a spectacle tomake
an oyster weep.
"A nice little boy said he liked "a
good rainy day, too rainy to 90 to school,
and just rainy enough to go fishing"
When your pocketb0ok gets empty,
Il everybody knows it, you can put ali
your friends in it, and it won't bulge
out" worth a cent.
-'Nhat was you brought up on?"
asked a rough Western judge Of a lean
and iank c~ulprit. Brought up on a
charge Of v~agrancy, I believe, your hon
or"
A worthy Kentucky farmer being
asked if a daughter recently married was
still living with him, replied; No, sir;
when one OF my girls swarms, she must
hunt her hive"
A Berks County farmer sent an order
lately for a clock. He said he should
prefer one made by Tempus Fugit, as all
the best clocks in the n~eighborhood had
that name on the face!
A fellow who had been hooked by
an unruIy COW, limped in his gait. A
lady remarked that the man appeared to
be intoxicated. Yes" replied her beau,
the poor fellow has taken a couple Of
hoyn&."
"A consequential young fop asked an
aged country sexton if the ringing Of the
bell did not put him in mind Of his latter
end. no, SIR" replied the grim old
grave-digger, but the rope puts me in
mind of yours"
"A quarrelsOme couple were discuss
ing the subject Of epitaphs and tomb
stones, and the husband said, My dear,
what kind OF a stone do yoU suppose
they will give me when | die?n "Brim-
stone, my lOve!" was the afTectionatc re-
ply.
"A reader very truthfully and indig-
nantly asserts that no woman, however
nervous she may be, has a right to wake
her husband from a sound sleep only to
tell him on his enquiring what is the
matter, "Nothing, only | wanted to know
if you were awake"
A patient who had called upon a
spiritual medium in an Illinois town the
other day tor advice about the rheumatism,
was somewhat startled on beng told that
the disease would soon leave his left leg
startled, because that happened to be Il
FA'1lit a ~ ~ IiNoSItSN ~ 4ilI ~ a
grateful country.
One of the japanese students at Yale
was accosted by Il sophomore the other
day with, whats your name?" The
gentleman from Japan answered politely,
giving his "Oh," rejoined the
questiOner, you heather don't have but
n name [ see!" "What was the first
name of Moses?" was the reply.
"A young gentleman in Augusta, Me,
lately made IN evening call upon a young
lady, and got rather %shabbily treated. It
was getting along toward nine O'Clock
when the young lady inquired the time of
evening. Five minutes to nine" was the
reply. How long will it take you to go
hOme?" Five minutes, / should Judge"
Then" said the young lady, eff you
start nov you'll get home just at nine
O'clock"
An Australian paper says that an
Aberdeen gentleman, talking to an Amer
lean tourist, and growing warm in his
praise of the inequalities and sociabilities
of Scotland, amid other instances referred
to one of their punch-bowls, which, on the
christening of a young marquis, was built
so large that a small boat was actually set
upon it, in which a boy sat who
ladled out the liquor. Il guess" said the
American tourist, "I've seen a bowl that
'ud beat that; for at my brothers christ
ening the bowl was so deep that when we
Young uns said it Warn't sweet enough,
father sent a man down in a diving-bell to
stir up the sugar at the bottom"