National Republican. (Washington City (D.C.)) 1872-1888, 1873-10-15

Ii nam got married u WOuiunt nave
happened. For, you sec, my wife had o
brother, who became my brother-ln-law; and
through him came my many tribulatlons.
jim was an inventive genius, hardly out Of
cradle before he invented patent self.rock-
Ing crib, with churning attachment, lie was
an enthusiastic fellow, and worried as many
az I'VE dogs Of the neighborhood into an I'M
timely grave, attaching them 10 wedding
machines, bug-mashers, lawn watcreis and
snch like. When he was ten he made q
double-increment momentum velocipede with
one wheel, like drum; and having got inside
and wound II up II rushed through the street
like q thunder-gust trying to catch the mill
apple-women went heels over head, the air
was oiled with cantclopes and garden truck
generally-and still Jim rolled on. He hadn't
sy soPpsg sppSdS ana
he Just pumped into the river and had to
swim ashore, But none Of his stcam-pianos
and fire-balloons and fying-machines hurt
me any. They all went up or down or out
before Jlm's father died, and he came to live
with us. "Hino lilac idchrfmde. Then
trouble begun.
Jim brought with him his laboratory and
work bench, and all the implements Of wrath
that brought desolation upon q peaceful
household, and forced me to seek refuge In o
foreign land-so to speak.
Jim's fret day passed quietly; but on the
second he brought out double back-action
pca-shcller that looked like young clothes
wrnger with tin hustle. Marla--that's my
wife-tricd It, and II mashed the peas oil up,
and threw them Into her best currant jelly,
lust making; and then, when shc tried to
take II of, she knocked tho head OIL the tack
hammer. and 1t hit Bridget on tho head,
causing her to SIT down In trny OF bread
dough and spill ttirecn Of soup on tho baby.
Poor John Augustus has been barefootcd on
the left aide Of his head ever since then, and
tho cat got SO scared that she ran through
tho house and upset bottle Of Ink on my
manuscript on tho Origin, Rise aud FAN OF
tho Custom Of Blowing the Nose with the
Fingers
Then Jim got up wringing machine that
| tied my shirts into q double bow-knot, and
| mashed all the buttons into fragments. He
| put fertilizer on Maria's best yerbenas, and
they all just curcd up and died He under
t SA f s 80 Of The dog. fo got up ' patent
vcrtical-acting garden gate, and as Bridget
aud her beau were cooling over II, and he
| reached over to say goodbye, 1t raised up and
hoisted him up about four feet, aud waved
him round, and neighbor TomkIns' beef.
hound came along and took steak out OF
his best leg. .. .I.u
| He got up wedding machine that chopped
of all the asters, and put bug.klller on the
rose bushes, and turned them all yellow and
blue In blotches. lie attached an upw ard
feed-pump to the kitchen range, and that
filled our tank and made 1t run over, and
then worked backwards and put the fire out.
One mourning we couldn't get the shutters
open, because jim had attached new4fan-
VgIed shutter-catch that wedged the whole
frame In tighter than tho DEVILS grip on q
dead hackinan. When went away on busi-
ness, jim protected" tho house with bur
glar alarm that woke everybody up at one In
the morning with gony-ringing that lasted
an hour-and all on account OF our Thomas
cat coming In late from counting. My busi-
ness requiring me to get up early sometimes
and catch trains at an unearthly hour, and
my habit being that OF O heavy sleeper, Jim
got up an alarm bedsiead that was TO wake
me up at certain hour, and II didn't rise
up In my wax-works and stop It, 1t would
pitch me out OF bed. The first time tried
Il 1t worked very well, and reused me ut 8
o'clock from dreams of trying to cram a
bushel Of gold into the lining Of my hat.
But ut trlbulation came. The sound OF a
whizzing wheel woke up Maria, who remem-
bcred the intelligent contriyance, and peace
fully dropped into sweet slumber, In which
| she tried on q succession of bonnets, each
more charming than the others. But In about
ten minutes the headboard vibrated-then
tho mattress quivercd-and then the whole
| affair rose on its hind legs and wriggled--
floor, and then, bombarding them with pill.
lows, and laying the mattress on them, Sided
down to the blissful consciousness Of having
done Its duty.
My wife and have fed and left tho inyen.
tive James to take care Of the house and OF
himself. But what shall we do1 We dare
not return. We are wanderers on tho face OF
the earth and q martyr to science.
b. JABERs.
P.s.-since writing the above, learn that
Jim has been the victim Of his fertile genius
Desiring protection In our absence, he took
my double-barreled gun and coil of bell.
wire and made unto himself q man-trap and
snare unto burglars. He set II with hair
trigger, so that any one turning the door
knob would DO assailed with the gun from
behind. When all was ready Jim went out
to take q look at things, and then, on going
In to gloat over imaginary providers, turned
the knob and filled his coat-tails so full o.
buckshot that his clothes looked like mar
of the oil wells. He takes his meals standing
now, and has n little dsllcacy about sitting
down before people older or younger thar
| himself.