Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-05-01
A Wonderful Invention.
To the Editor of the Courier Journal:

To the Editor of the Courier journal:
| HAVE invented a machine for the pur-
pose of reducing the number of exchange
tiends now iii existence. AS many of your
exchanges know, exchange fiends are per
sons OF great perseverance who continually
drop into the room where the exchanges
of a newspaper office are kept, and wrestle
with them under the pretence of searching
for the Daily San Francisco C3usher, or
the Waco Weekly Bullrhacker, or some
other sheet that they offer to swear they
can't find at the news stands. These per
sons, as II their presence alone were not
sufficiently narrowing, have a way of sit
ting for at least half an hour at a time. and
rafting the papers in the exchange basket
III a manner evidently intended to eXas-
perate and confuse everyone at work with
in range of the noise They do worse.
When one of them is informed that the
paper wanted is not to be had, he invari-
ably says, "An old one viii do Just as
WELL" and his brow darkens with unman-
~ suspicion when he is told that the paper
he wants has pos5tj0ely been carried out
These persons also make tedious and IN
necessary explanations, consuming much
valuable time and wearing out the pa
thence. They know everything that's dis
agreeable, and practice it persistently
All their faults if written Of here, would
make this thing too long.
The invention to which I refer is known
as "EOgartlus' Patent Irresistible Combi-
nation Kicker for the use Of newspaper
Offices" and it is in every respect superior
to the buZZ-saw now in use in some of the
Western newspaper establishments. II
consists mainly ot:-first a large, strongly
81 cIai, in No hot Of ,,-I,i Ia
are concealed numerous remarkable
springs of extraordinary power; second,
an immense boot, made of hard, unyield-
ing substance, and connected, beneath the
floor, with the chair; third, a number Of
strong rods and things connecting the
whole with the team-cngines of the estab-
lishment. The boot and chair are also
connected with a powerful hook, which is
concealed in the ceiling.
AS the unsuspectlng exchange fend ap-
prOaches, he is requested to be seated in
the chair, which is placed close to the bas-
ket III which the exchanges are kept.
just as he settles in the seat and reaches
for an exchange, a member of the editorial
staff suddenly jerks a convenient knob !;
the powerful and wonderful springs in the
chair begin to toss the fiend in most ey-
traOrdinary manner; a portion of the floor
slides away, and the immense boot swings
into view, making a kind of crashing
noise, as though the building were falling.
In a few seconds more the remarkable
springs, true to their task, throw the
astonished tiend into a position which
makes him face the door. The concealed
hook then drops from the ceiling and
seizes him by the coat collar, and then the
boot, with the rapidity Of lightning, is
put where it will do the most good
When the boot has gone rapidly back
and forth for about half a minute, the
machinery is stopped, the shattered tiend
is lowered to litter and carried out, and
for six weeks he languishes under the i'm
preston that he has been assaulted from
behind by the tutelary demon Of the press,
or some equally exasperated monster too
hideOus to describe He never returns to
the exchange basket.
The Patent Irresistible Kicker is very
effective, and has been known to 'shatter
one of DR.. Harding's celebrated interview.
ing cushions at one blow. | anticipate a
great demand for it as soon as its merits
become known. The specification of this
patent is the spring work of the chair
with the connecting boot.
j. G. BRAITHwAITE BOGARDUs.
LOUISVILLE, April 8.