Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1873-03-07
HUMOR.

z
can form sum kind ov sn idea how little We
know, and what poor job we should make
ov it runnin the machinery of creation. Man
il phool emmy how, and the best of tie
joke il. he don't seem tew kno it Bats
have . destiny TO gil. and I will b dollars
they 6ll it better than we do ours"
A partially unmarried resident Of Lay
fayetts, Ind, poisoned himself with luda.
mum last week at clearinghouse, whittier
he had eloped from domestic infeiicity, leav.
ing the following touching posthumous
message to his widow:
Please tell that old devil of wife Of mine
that had poor time since l left the old
shanty, but if ever l find her in the next
world III pay her off.
WILLIAM TYSON.
Lord Shaftesbury on one occasion was ex.
aiming girls school. and Just as he was
about to take leave be addressed gi,l some.
what older than the rest, and among
other things inquired ''Who made your
vile body ?" please, my Lord" said tn
girl, betsy Jones made my body, but
made the skirt myself"
There is some t,lk Of having a geologi.
cal survey of Rhode Island, but the work
may be delayed OF account of its expensive
ness. The professor who is expected to
make it. says that if he is expected to go
over the State, it will take him at least two
days, and he won't do it fer less than nine
dollars and half.
In the girls high school 10 San Frapc--
co, society Of young women has been form
ed for the suppression of slang. A reporter
interviewed" one Of the lovely memb r.
and asked if she thought the society wnul
DO successful in eradicating slang. "Yon
bet !" was the lively and encouraging re-
ply.
A new form of emotional insanity has
been discovered in Kentucky, where thu
counsel Tor the plaintiff 10 breach Of prom
Use suit, pleaded that his client was SUBJECT
to uncomfortable fits of love making. accom-.
panied by MORBID dislike to matrimony
Muskrats are so scarce 10 Minnesota thai
the lovers Of choice perfumes are compelled
TO fall back on peppermint, wintergreen and
S8s61iIao tAIdCtS Ou0 Cudp, az u % 1tc'
party in St. Paul, was much admired be.
cause his hair was favored with vanilla.
A minister made an interminable cal up
on lady Of bis acquaiDt ,nce. Her lit"
daughter, who was present. grew very wea-
~ Of bis conversation, and at last whisper
cd in an audible key: ''DI int he bring
his amen with him, mamma 2"
The fate of John King is an awful warn
ing to teetotalers. He was the 6rst man in
Eogland to IN the total abstinence pledge,
and now he is 20 poor that his friends hat
to pass around the hat to keep him from the
poor-houss.
A ho,rid small boy quite married bis SIS.
tors pleasure during recent examination
Of school teachers. at Oswego, by entering
she room abruptly AMI shouting, ''Apnip !!
your feller's down to the house, and wants
ger"
A Danbury man AYERS that when be came
down stairs on Thursday morning be found
his thermometer sitting back of the stove.
and saying that lit would be hanged if il
would stay out doors all night for any man >
Kansas is proud Of the precocity of town
called Sargent, which, though barely fort
night old, has sent to market mnrs than 8.
900 buffalo hides. and had three murders
committed within its limits.
A generous Chicagoan who will some time
wish he was camel with needle run
through his eye, donated two barrels o.
swill and bottomless coal skut,le to the
poor of that city last week.
A Milwaukee Sunday School teacher has
received call to 60 to driving street cars
because he presented one of his pupils with
3 meerschaum pipe as reward of merit for
learning Bible verses.
A merchant in Utica, after working hard
half day clearing the snow fon his side
walk, was disguised when be found that be
had only got down to the wooden awning.
A wealthy Illinois farmer cut his throat
the other day, and his nervous heirs began
to think be would recover, because it took
him ten hours to bleed to death.
The latest verdict recorded was upon
Ser tleman who expired in ct cfiuebriaiion.
The Jury returned: "Died by hanging
round q grog.shop.
A divorced husband 10 Indiana took the
doors, windows and blinds OF his wife's re-
sideace as his share of their united earn.
ings.
Rhode Island is said to be overrun with
mice. It is said there are thirty or forty
there, and they ara very much crowded.
A Sinful Chinaman of Chicago will i'm.
port some fighting quails to vary the mo.
notony Of cock-6ghtiug.
Five sble.bodied men in Spencer county.
Ohio, prefer to live 10 the penitcntiary while
the cold weathes lasts.
An exemplary but impecupious church
ro.r in Houston, Texas, put his revolver in
she plate last Sunday.
II never was ruined but twice" said
VT A.once when lost lawsuit, and once
when I gained Que"
A Terre Haute base bailist caught coal
oil lamp on the fly, but from the hands of
his iufuriated wife.
Pocket pinchers for young men to feel
their moustache with, are new and valus.
BILE invention.
In an old Puritan church, Eufeld, Conn.
the members have started Catholic AIos
tolic Church.
A promissory note Of Horace Vernet for
$40 was recently sold for twice the face OF
il ia Psria.
St. Paul, Mimi, has lost her police. and
now she has nobody but the angels to watch
over her.
An Indian opened can of nitro e ycerine
with his tomahawk, and left without making
Ar.cka