The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1873-07-22
TraTsIers' Register.
GhnGateIlfqenrNr:
JOHN PAUL AT SARATOGA.
Hunting for a DIclionaTY..The Viz
tues OF Rival Springs.

Hunting for a Electromagnetic Vlr.
tues OF Rival Springs.
con n. Y. TribunS.f
SARATOGA, July 10.
The Hon. Mr., Hathorn, Congressman
from this district, and proprietor oil Con-
gress Hall, purchased a piece Of ground
and attempted 10 dig cellar. In the
course Of digging he unearthed great
many curious deposits. At few inches
below the surface Of the ground be
struck large quantity oil broken crock.
cry, Tin cans, aud fisi bones; penetrating
still deeper he came upon deep layer Of
shingle nails, shoes, leather, slop pals
stoVeplpe hats, and jewHharps; six feet
lower he turned over the skeleton Of,O
iackass. Satisfied now that he was get
ting near home, he pushed on the work
with redOublGt YigOr, and after boring
through q stratum Of dairy salt 10 feet
thick, O stream Oi mineral water spouted
800 feet into tue air, drowning q number
Of miners and flooding the proprietor
with joy. The spring has never ceased
spouting since, nor has he, the lucky CO.
incidence Of an election 10 Congress
which followed soon after, afIording him
unlimited opportunities for the ample de.
velopment OF the gift. =
stepped over 10 Congress Hall, "Mr.
uAlhorn," Lsaid, "really my position Is q
very UNPLEASANT one; II grinds my proud
soul down into the dust az my feet TO bO
obliged To go round contessing II, but
needs, must, etc. | came up in the hope
10 earn an-honest- thorough humble sub
sislence by writing, elaborate letters for
the Tribune, mOatly on scientific subjects
that being my strong suit. But unior-
tunately came away without diction-
AIRY; and ] always depend on dictionary
for ideas: Now, knowing that you are a
man without ideas, / have come to you
in the hope that you will sympathize with
me, and kindly" ,I..
Alr. Hathorn took my arm in his. "lrs
all right" said no. Just step over to
my spring with me; I'll set you all right
In m0menL"
We crossed the way, descended short
flight OF wooden steps, and soon stood in
what Mr.. HAthorn calls The Laboratory
Of Nature" should have called II q
small aud rather damp shed. IN the cen.
ter of the floor wooden stOVepipe pro.
lruded, inside Of which water boiled and
hubbled continually.
He stopped down and filled tumbler.
Drink this" he said. | drank 1t.
"HOw's lhatT" he asked.
Decided salt" replied
"That's because It's the first one. Try
another" and he filled the tumbler again.
| swallowed that
"HOw do you feel now ?"
pretty full, thank YOU" answered !.
Just tho way II ought 10. work.
Here" and he extended another tumbler-
Iul. ,.i
After wrestling with 1t d moment 4set
the glass down.
Have you got an ideaI" he shouted,
Selling me by the coat collar,
"Yes-an idca that ! don't want my
more Of IT," l said. II came over to
get" .
IAN idea" he broke in, land that's just
what you will get il you drink gallon or
two. Talk OF ideas-there's more ideas
in q pint oil that water than in all the
other spnngs put together, Just look at
me johnson over there calls his water
Congress-, and makes q fues about the
trade mark Why, l hadn't sucked
away at this spring twenty-iour hours
before 1t made me Congressman. And
il keeps me co. See here" and he filed
glass enthusiastically, "For curing
SICK folks there is nothing like 1t, Bee
there. turned my head in the direc-
iiun indicated, and he availed himself Of
the opportunity to throw the water over
his shoulder. "That man sitting down
Just outside this Laboratory Of Nature
came here as iull OF humors as a grind
stone is Of git; he had more humors into
him than you could shake stick at; now
he's as smooth as II he'd been rubbed
down with sand.pAper every ten minutes
for a week. You see the buttons all over
his clothes; well, them's tho humors he
had-they came out in brass buttons
See here"-And he filled his glass again;
YOU see that man With the long legs
over there, one leg little longer than the
olherHp l turned my head an instant
and heard the water splash over his
shoulder. "Well, he hadn't long legs al
all when he came here; one was SHORTER
than the other that's what he came for;
the spring worked well enough on him,
but the trouble was II made both legs
grow together, as 1t ought to, being fair
water; | told him he must sort o cant
himself over on the short side all day
and sleep on the short side at night, and
then the Water'd only take hold whore II
run to; well, he got along first rate all
day, but al night he would turn over, you
see; we tried 10 strap him down, but IL
want no manner Of use; that waters so
almighty powerful 1t just took him up
and slung him about the bed as though
he'd been a d9ndelion'seed-and he
weighing nigh onto 200 pounds"
rs this water helpful In the way Of II +.
ducIng superfluouS flesh" | asked; "he
doesn't look 70 be moro than half that
weight now"
"Help(ul in reducing superluous ilesh I
Well, l guess So It lust whittles a Eel
low down like y iGck:plane, u he's too
fat. Look at me! Twas as big round
the waist az johnson, over there OF the
Congress, before found this spring; nov
I'm thin enough, amt Il" Compares
with HAthorn's proportions lath NIGH
DO called round and Corpulent. ~
"Yes," remarked; but l should think
there was danger OF the other extreme
i you go on drinking this WRter % ydr
don't, or throwing itovUr your shoulder
rs you do, there won't 10 enough left 81
you, by.and'by, to cast vote; perhaps
not even enough 10 cast q ShadOW.''r1 l
"Oh, 1t works both ways" he said
I'm a drinking II now to get lIesh CD
lhere's nothing this water can't do, Il Yov