Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1873-06-18
PHUNNYGRAMS.

-Ayoung and happy widow in Paris
recently remarked to friend II am now
in the honeymoon of my widowhood."
Not one-twentieth of the people who
gather about Barnum's talking machine
are married men.-Dar,batry.
Mice harm the cheese, but girls charm
the he's The same is true of their re-
spective eating of cheese and cheating Of
he's.
"A Danbury man who bought a sec
ond-hand bedstead at auction, has sent it
to Professor Agassiz, the celebrated ento-
mologist.
Said an old Scotch woman to physl:
clan who was weighing two grains of cal
omel for child: |'Dinna be so mean VII
it, as it is for poor, fatherless BARN"
"A Boston paper tells this: A lady
called at drug store and breathlessly re-
marked: "There [ have serenaded all the
way down here to get recipe prescribed,
and disremember the combustibles."
-Quin's after-thought was happy one,
when, after telling Lady Berkeley she
looked as blooming as the spring, he re-
membered the season was anything but
bright one, and added, 81 wish the spring
would look like your ladyship."
-Bootmaker (who has deal of trouble
with his customer)-"I think, sir, if you
were to cut your coTns, could more easily
find you pair" Choleric Old Gentle
man-"Cut my corns, sir! I ask you to fit
me pair of boots to my feet, sir! I'm
not going to plane my feet down to fit your
boOts!'
Recently young man who was at
tending night writing-school near Dan
vile, Ohio, was smitten by the charms If
a lady who was present, and at the close
of the school hustled forward to solicit the
pleasure Of escorting her home. eyes"
said the lady, eff you will carry my boy"
He wilted, and the young matron walked
home alone.
"A broken-hearted young thing writes
to a weekly paper as follows: about
three years ago | became acquainted with
young gentleman; and although he
never paid me any particular attentions,
he would often accompany me to and from
church, etc. But lately have noticed
great change in him. he avoids me as
much as possible, and starts if [ address
him. Can he have ceased to love me?-
for know he did though he never said
SO. If thought he had, it would break
my heart" Perhaps we ought not to in
terfere in this little matter; but, as we
know exactly what should be done with
the young man, we feel as if we ought to
speak out. Do not attempt to reason with
him or cajole him or pacify him. The
next time he calls take q monkey wrench,
fasten it securely upon his nose, lead him
OFT to the dlning-roOm, and ask him in a
firm voice what he means. If he won't
answer, twist the wrench three or four
times, and butt his head up against the
,4o 1. 1. Il
is dispelled. If he says he has ceased to
love you, let your fingers daily with his
ringlets lovingly for a few moments, and
then suddenly liftout couple Of hands
full, and have an Irishman at hand to come
in and sit on him awhile and knock out
his teeth and jump up and down on him,
and be sociable. Then let him go, and
commence your arrangements to rope in
a fresh man. You cannot afford to waste
your young life upon such a wretch as this;
and where heart will not throb to heart,
or soul respond to soul, the best thing to
do is to confuse the nose at once.-Mdr
A(7o1e1s f..