Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-05-01
UNCLE SHINY.

SOME men were born for great things,
Some were born for small;
Some--it IL not recorded
Why they were born at all;
But Uncle Sammy was certain he had legitimate
call. s.-a
Some were born with talent,
Some with scrip and land
Some with a spoon of silver.
And some with different brand;
But Uncle Sammy came holding an argument in
each hand.
Arguments spouted within him,
And twinked in his little eye,
He lay and calmly debated
When average babies cry,
And seemed TO be bordering gravely whether to
live or die.
But prejudioed on that question
He grew from day to day,
And finally he concluded
Twas better for him to stay;
And into lfes discussion he reasoned and reasoned
his way.
Through childhood, through youth, into manhood
Argued and argued he;
And he married a simple maiden,
Though scarcely in love was she;
ut he reasoned the matter so clearly she hardly
:. could help but agree.
And though at first she was booming,
And the new firm started strong,
And though Uncle Sammy loved her
And tried TO help her along,
She faded away IL silence, and twas evident some
Ihlng was wrong.
Now Uncle Sammy was faithful,
And various remedies tried;
BE gave her the doctors prescriptions,
And plenty of logic beside;
But logic and medicine failed him, and so one day
she died.
IIe laid her away in the church-yard
So haggard and crushed and wan;
And reared her q costly tombstone
With all her virtues on;
And ought 20 have added, "A victim to arguments
pro and CON-
For many year Uncle Sammy
Fired away At his logical forte;
Discussion was his occupation,
And alteration his sport:
lie argued himself out of churches, he argued him
self into court
But alas for has peace and quiet,
One day. when he went blind,
And followed his singular fancy,
And sighted his logical mind,
And married a pOnderous widow who want of the
arguing kind!
Her sentiments all were settled.
Her habits were planted and grown,
Her heart a starved little creature
That followed a will of her own;
And she raised high hand with Sammy, and pro
cccded 10 play 1t alone.
Then Sammy he charged down upon her
With all of his strength and his wit,
And many deXtrous encounter,
And many fair shoulder-ht;
But vain were his blows and his blowing: he never
could bulge her a bit.
He laid down his premises round her
lie scraped at her with his saws;
He rained great facts upon her,
And read her the marriage laws;
Butthe harder he tried to convince her, the harder
and harder she was.
She brought home all her preachers,
As many as ever she could
With sentiments terribly settled,
And appetites horribly good
Who SAT with him long at his table, and explained
to him where he stood.
And Sammy was not long in learning
To follow The swing of her gown,
And came to be faithful in watching
The phase of her smile and her frown;
And she, with the heel of assertion soon tramped
all his arguments down
And so, with his life-aspirations
Thus suddenly brought to a cneck-
And 50, with the foot of his victor
Increasingly pressing his neck
lie wrote on his face I'm victim,n and drifted-
a logical wreck.
And farmers whom he had argued
To corners tight and fast,
Would wink at each other and chuckle,
And grin at him as he passed,
As 10 say, My ambitious old fellow, your whipple-
trees straightened at last
Old Uncle Sammy one morning
Lay down his Comfortless bed,
And Death and ne had a discussion,
And Death came out ahead;
end The fact that SHE failed to start him only
because he dead.
The neighhorS laid out their old ncighbor
With huneiy bur tcnderest art:
And some 81 the oldest faltered.
And tearfuly stood apart;
For the crlsty old man had often unguaEdedly
shown them his heart
Bat on Ms face expression
OF quizzcal study lay.
A. if he Were sounding the angel
Who travelled with him that day.
And laying the pipes down slyly for an argument
on the way.
And one ncw-fashioncd old lady
Felt called upon 10 suggest
That the angc night take Uncle Sammy,
And give him Il good nights rest,
And then introduce him to Solomon and tell him
10 do his best
-Farm BALLADS. By VIZ. Carleton