The Abbeville press and banner. [volume] (Abbeville, S.C.) 1869-1924, 1873-07-09
SCRAPS.

Duh AfO.
IF you want to know whether 6
tree. is hollow or not, ak it.
When is a captain in.hi heaviest
attire? When he wears his ship
Though an honest merchant is 6
plain dealer, carpenter is a dea
palmer. -. ....
Why in mid-ocean like Broad
way? Because there you'll see the
big "swells.'
When does the captain of a
steamer become a medical man
When he's dockcd her.
You can use a postage stamp
twice. The first time it will Cost
you three cents, the second time
five dollars.
A schoolmaster, on being asked
what was meant BY the word "forti:
fcation," answered, 1.-TWO twenty
fcations nuke fertilization"
An editors pistol having been
stolen, he advertised that if the
thief will return it he will give
him the contents aud no questions
asked.
A German writer, complaining
of the difficulties in the pronuncia-
ton Of the English language, cites
the word 'sBoz,' which he says is
pronounced Dickens
Wagner don't like dramatic crit
les. He says he can buy any of
them for SIS, and that not one in a
hundred is competent to criticise a
yellow dogs midnight howl.
That farmer understood human
nature who said; eff you want
your boy to stay at home, don't
bear to hard on the grindstone
when he turns the crank.''
A petrifed negro has been found
in an undertaker's garret at Roam
oke, Miss. 1t is thought that he
undertook the study Of law and be-
came absorbed in Blackstone.
Thin party to street urchin) r
"Boy, what do you suppose that
dog is following me for?'' The
youngster casts a knowing look al
him, and readily replies: "Guess
he takes you for a bone!"
The Macon Telegraph gives this
'awning-post conversation 'sWell
Jim, the world owes me a living
anyhow To which jim replied
"Well,. George, perhaps it does
but Ell be id if you amt too
lazy to collect it!''
A Minnesota man was lately
fined $40 for abbreyiating the can,
dal appendage of a neighbours pie
and now the question comes: L
an inch of "pig tail' is worth SO
how much would it cost to ego the
whole hog"
A French gentleman, learning
English to some purpose, replied
thus to the salutations: Glow dc
you find yourself ?" ''How do you
do, monsieur p "Do vat?" "HoN
do you find yourself?' 81 never
loses.myself.' "How do you feel p
"Smooth, you just feel me-" "Good
morning, monsieur - "Good! No
it's bad one; it's vet and nasty
A man in Cincinnati owned {
pet panther. Last week he wen
off with his<wife and family for {
visit Of a couple of days, leaving
the pet panther and his mother-in
law to keep house. On his return
his grief can be imagined on dis.
covery that it was the panther that
was dead, not the mother-in-!aw
The old lady had talked the poor
animal to death.
An Irishman had a dream which
taught him the danger of delay,
81 dreamed,' said he, ''I was wild
the Pope, who was as great a jim
tleman as any one in the district,
an he axed me wad I drink.
Thinks I, wad a duck swim; and
seein' the Innishowen and lemon
and sugar on the sideboard I told
him I didn't care if l TUX a wee
dhrap of punch. 'Cowld or hot
axed the Pope. Hot, your Holi-
ness I replied; and be that he
stepped down to the kitchen for the
billn' water, but before he got back
I woke straight up. And now it's
distressing me I didn't take it
cowld."