davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Portland daily press., 1873-12-24

WE'RE DEAF. 1t is getting colder; this
may be no news to many readers, but it was
brought to my mind by the fact that the an
nual array OF canvassers, for everyt. ing,
from book to buttophole cutter have
again commenced their raids upon the pub
lie. They are ladies this year. many of
them, at all events the last enc that called on
us was lady.
She wished to dispose of hook She was
alone in this world and had no ore to whom
she could turn for sympathy or assistance,
hence we should buy her book. She was un-
married and had no manly heart into which
she roulc pour her sufferlngs, therefore we
ought to invest in her book. She had re-
ceived liberal education, and could talk
French like native; we could not, in con-
sequence pay her less than two dollars for
book. We bad listened attentivey and here
broke in with
'.What did you say? We're deaf"
She started in a loud voice and went
through. her rigmarole. When she had fin
ished, we went aud got roll Of paper and
made it into speaking truL, pet, placed one
end TO our ear and told her to proceed. She
nearly broke blood vessel in her effort to
make herself heard. She commenced:
Il am alone in this world"
SIT d esn't make the slightest difference to
us. We are husband and father. Bigamy IS
Bile to proposals."
''Oh, what fool the man is,' she said in
low tone; thea at the top Of her voice.
Il don't want to marry you; / want to sell
book
The last sentence was howled.
I'VE don't want ccok,' we blandly re-
marked, ''our wife does the cooking, and she
wouldn't allow as good looking a woman as
you to stay in the house five minutes. She
is very jealous"
She looked at us in despair. Gathering
Ter robes about her, giving us a gllnce OF
contempt. she exclaimed:
Il do believe if three hundred FOUNDER
was let off alongside OF that deaf fools head,
he'd think somebody was knocking at the
| door,
| Singing herself out, slamming the door,
| she walked down the stairs with vehem-
! ence that called every one in the Chicago
| stor, to the door. When she was gene. we
INDUCED in a demonidc laugh She ism t
likely to sell us book any .i.ore.
The Portland daily press., 1873-12-24

'DNEsDAY MORNING, DEC. "a, 1873
Gossip and Gleaninys

Dr. johnson says, That though not fond
of music, of all noises he thinks music tho
least disagreeable."
The mother of a large family was one dav
asked the number of her children: "La me-,
she replied, rocking to and fro, 'Tve got
fourteen mostly boys and girls"
Why are the Cuban volunteers like Nell
son? Because the last thing he did was
die for his country, and that is the last thing
they would dc.
Teacher-'Jessie Brown, how often have
told you not to be late ?''
Jessie-"Wbich you have, Miss. But, Lori
I've had such job with my 'airl'
The reason an urchin gave for being late at
school, was, that the boy in the next house
was going to have dressing down with Jed
cord. and he wanted to hear him howl.
Two cute lawyer
Are like two sawyers;
Tie one doth pull, tie other thrust,
And as the objects rent asunder,
Between the cne at top and t'o.her under
Down comes the dust.
One of the ladies Of the BROOKLYN Art Re-
| ception last week wore a black silk dress,
the skirt of which was trimmed with thirty
small rutfles and yet the acme of felicity was
denied her.
In Geniesee county, N. Y.,the eentle-mind-
ed rustics cover tarnips with butter, and sell
the vegetables at the price of their coating
| per pound; around Louisville, the simple bu-
colics use stones instead of turnips.
| 1t will be piotean actor who will bear
out this announcement in an Illinois paper:
"The citizens of Freeport, on the 18th inst,
will have an opportunity of witnessing Rom
go and Juliet, by one of the first stars of the
country"
| Old gent-"You don't mean to tell me,
waiter, that you can't give me tooh-pick."
Waiter swell, sir, we used to Keep 'em, but
the gents almost invariably took 'em away
when they'd done with 'em.''
jones wants to know what women will in
vent next, His wife has spent the greater
|
Autumn leaves" Jones told her. that now
she had got 'em herself, for he would be blow
ed If ever he would touch a mouthful of 'em.
Governor FeDner, absenting himself from
church on fast day. was told by DR.. Wayland
that be did not obey his own proclamation
''Yes, do" he replied; Il tell the people to
meet in their usual places OF worship. Min,
is at home"
General Spinner is going to Florida for his
health. If he should chance 80 slip these
earthly tranmels," an infinite host of sur
vvors will cherish the consoling thought,
that his Signature has been embalmed in mill
lions of American pocket books.
| Ii here in the dust, the mouldy old crust,
or Nell Bachelor lately shoven;
Who skilled in the ats, Of pies, puddings and
| tarts,
And knew every turn of the oven.
When she'd lived long enough,
| To make ler last puff,
ql A puff by her husband much praised;
| Lo! here she doth e. and makes oirt pie,
In hopes that her crust may be raised.
The Portland daily press., 1873-12-24
Life in a Monitor.

Life in monitor is not the most delightful
and all officers dread to be ordered TO one.
Nevertheless, our monitors have generally
made all trips safely upon which they ventur-
ed, and have stood the shock of battle, as wei
as that of storm, very well. Officers who have
served and sailed on them say that they are
very comfortable, but this statement is taken
with many grains of salt by Others, who sus-
pact that those who thus report are some
thing in the situation of the fox who lost his
tail. The general impression is (an1 any one
who examines them will see enough TO justi-
fy the Opinion) that on a monitor there is not
room enough to swing cat; that they are
very damp when not flooded they are i'll
ventilated when at sea; that there is no light
except artificial, and that there are other dis
comforts. l am told that when any one has
made voyage on a monitor (which is gener-
ally under water when moving, except in
the smoothest seal, he comes up with COM
plexion OF the most ghastly pallor, which he
does not easily get rid of. All concur, how
ever, that a monitor is less disturbed by the
motion of the sea than any other vessel, as
the waves which strike against the sides of
an ordinary ship pass completely over her.
Although The dread of service in a monitor
is so strong and widespread throughout the
navy. yet it is held point OF honor as well
as OF duty to accept the situation hen or
dered 10 it. Still, hear of designations on
account of orders to serve ON monitors-an
engineer ordered to the Manhattan (among
others) resiguing at the frantic entrcaties of
his wife. The captains cabin on the Man.
haitian is very small and irIegularly shaped
cuddy with the scautiest accommodations of
every kind. The other officers are even less
well accommodated, and the crew, when
there is any, stow themselves away in all
sorts OF odd hooks of the most contracted
character. There is no crew at present on
the Manhattan, as none is yet needed.
The Portland daily press., 1873-12-24

FOND RECoLLECrIoNs.--On the evening
ira from Albany, recently, was woman
bound for ,Westfieid, who persisted IN re-
questing the aifable conductor to INFORM her
when Chester was reached. Every tune wnen
the conductor passed through the car, r. ne s. was
greeted with. 'Please tell me l,, mnsu +, We ss y,
his na,;ence was finally exhausted, and he po-
iitelv requested the unfortunate female to
..ses lin silence, as he has heard and would
h.ed her injunction. Chester was finally
rnsached, and ''Chester" was yelled at ths car
door. The train AGAIN started. and the con-
ductor mounted the ear in which was his per-
secutor. ''Wi you tell me when we Get to
Cbester?' she said. ''This is Chester" be
exclaimed and grasping the bell rope. he had
the train back up to the station. I'm real glad
YOU obliged me-" said this daugher OF Eve to
the exasperated conductor; my husband
used to live here. ."-Sprinateld Union.
The Portland daily press., 1873-12-24

Dr. johnson says, That though not fond
of music, Of all noises he thinks music the
least disagreeable."
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1873-08-28
FIy.Tine.

WE need not say that this is the height
OF the fly season, nor should there be a
need OF impressing upon wives the neces-
slty OF keeping dining-rooms darkened
until dinner is ready. No man likes to
sit down in a glare of light and a swarm
OF flies, to eat a hot dinner And he won't
do it either. He will seize the first thing
he can get hold OF, and 90 for those flies.
1t may be a towel, or it may be a linen
coat, but it is more likely, we are panied
to say, to be a table-cloth, whose loose
ends are constantly dropping ont, and
creating unexpected means Of destruction
And when he has got those flies up to the
window for the sixteenth time, and for the
sixteenth time sees a third of them float
out through one window and Immediate
ly sail back through another, with ten
new acquaintance apiece, and the rest
go back over the top of his head that
man will drop the balance of his sanity
as if it were a hot iron, and steeling his
heart and binding his eyes to the better
and hOller things Of our nature. will dash
in among those flies like maniac and in
side of two minutes the long ends of that
table-cloth viii have Tapped all the SCOT
and dust from the stoyepipe and door
frames, denuded the mantel of its trea-
sures, filled the air with hot soup and ice
water, and broken the backs of five flies.
Then the miserable wretch will grimly
seat himself in the ruins and as grimlv
eat what is attainable while the wife of
the miserable wretch will go into the bed
room, and close the door after her in such
a manner as would make the foreman of a
boiler factory jump.-D1ibufy Ne1cs
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1873-08-28
Management Of Cut Flowers.

y Horst OF extensive experience assures
Us that cut flowers should not, after being
cut be placed in localities where there is
tobacco smoke or bad ventilation neither
should the rooms be too much heated A
cool temperature during summer is favor
able for them, but they should not be eX-
posed to draught OF air Shade them
from very bright sunshine Place a glass
shade over them during the night, or, in
deed, at all such times as they are not
purpOsely exhibited. The removal of the
slightest symptoms of decay is necessary
When carried to a distance, carry them in
shallow, alright tin case, or cover
them with paper to exclude them from air
and light. Never cut your flowers during
intense sunshine, nor keep them exposed
to the sun or wind; do not collect them
in large bundles or tie them tightly to-
gether, as this hastens their decay. Do
not pull them, but cut them cleanlv off the
plant with a sharp knife-not with pair
OF scissors. When taken indoors place
them in the shade, and reduce them to the
required length of stalk with sharp
knife, by which means the tubes
through which they draw up water are
left open, and the water is permitted to as
ccnd freely, whereas, if the stems are
bruised or lacerated these pores are closed
up. Sc pure water TO set them in, or
pure white sand in state of saturation,
sticking the ends Of the stalks in it, but
not III crowded manner. If in water
alone, 1t ought to contain pinch of salt
and few grains of saltpeter for every
pint of fluid. The water should be chang
ed daily, and a thin slice should be cut
OIL the ends Of the stalks at every change
of water. Water about milk warm, or
containing small quantity of camphor,
dissolved in spirits of wine or cologne,
will often revive flowers that have begun
to fade. In some cases liquid ammonia
may be advantageously applied to the
stems for few minutes to revive flowers.
These recommendations are applied by
several of the largest horticulturists OF
Client and other parts Of Belgium, and
found to answer in practice very well if
properly applied. Charcoal saturated
with water is also good medium to stick
them in, and the thinner they are kept
the better.-Nelo Yorb Herdld
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1873-08-28
Fall.Seeding Grass.

Good farmers are becoming, year by
year, in the West, more convinced of the
inutility of spring seeding to get good
stand of grass when sown with another
crop, particularly if that crop be oats
The reasons are simple, the principal one
being that the young grass, being smoth-
cred by the crop, grows spindling and
with but little root, and the usual drouth
OF summer, after the grain crop is gath
cred, often kills it entirely; or, if it do
not, it is so weakened that the subse-
quent freezing and thawing of winter
heaves it, or freezes it to such an extent
that it takes sometimes years to fully re-
cover.
This is obviated if the seed be sown
after the crop of grain has been harvested
The land should be lightly plowed, har-
rowed and rolled until perfectly smooth
Upon this SOW the seed at the rate OF
twelve quarts of timothy, unless clover
be used on the field, in which case eight
quarts will be about the quantity for
ordinary seeding 1t is true many good
farmers sow less, but experience has
shown that ample seeding gives the bet
ter and more equal stand. The seed being
sown, harrow again with a light smooth.
ing harrow or some other implement that
will not clog, but will leave what trash
may be brought to the surface equally
distributed over the field
The seeding for grass should be made
in the latter part of August or beginning
Of September; indeed, the earlier the bet
ter, II seasonable rains occur so that the
grass may get a good rOothold before the
ground freezes. If it be intended to SOW
clover as a part of the meadow or pas
ture, six to eight pounds should be
seeded the following spring just as the
lrost IS coming out Of the ground and
this need not be narrowed in. When the
land becomes settled it is good practice
to roll it with moderately light section
roller, to compress the earth about the
roots OF the grass and clover.
II clover be sown alone, either for
swine or seed, not less than fifteen pounds
should be sown twenty would be better
on perfectly smooth surface, as before
directed, and without any other crop.
The ground should be rolled flat, when
in condition, and pastured when the crop
gets sufficiently large if the soil be firm.
Do not allow stock to occupy the land
when there is any danger of its being
pOached.
1t is perhaps necessary to say that
grass or clover seed should be very lightly
covered; but in fall-seeding of grass it
may be covered deeper than if sown in
spring; never however, more than an
inch. Experience has shown that rather
deep sowing i'll the fall is better than a
more superficial sowing. If the seeding
OF timothy, from any cause, have to be
made in the spring, it should be without
other crops.-WesteYm Ratral.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1873-08-28
Causes of Short Sight.

y RECENT paper by Dr. Liebrcich
throws light upon the origin OF this de
feet lie demonstrates that the two evils
of permanent short sight and curvature
Of the spine, both SO much more frequent
among the educated than the uneduCated
classes OF society, are developed by the
unnatural posture usually enforced in
schools. During childhood the eve pos
ScsseS q great power of accommodating
itself to distance, and if in reading and
writing the desks are SO arranged that the
eye, instead of being twelve or fifteen
inches distant, Is kept at seven or eight
inches from the book or paper, the eye
adaptS itself to the near object and per
manent short sight is the result More
over, rs the pre-disposition to the disease
Is hereditary, short sight is constantly on
the increase in highly civilized countries
The bad posture adopted at writing desks
is also the chief cause of lateral curva-
turc OF the spine. In extreme cases, saws
Or. Liebreich, the copv-book is pushed
Onward, so that It's lower border is inclin-
ed at an angle of foTty-five degrees with
the edge Of the table The head is low
cred and So much twisted that the left eve
IS only few inches distant from the book:
the LEFT cheek almost touches the left
mana, or even leans upon it; the ribs Ofthe
lett side are pressed against the edge
OF the desk, and the taller children slip
backward on the FORMS 50 that
only the lower part of the thighs rest on
the narrow bench. In many schools the
pupils maintain this unnatural position
for several hours daily, until at last the
muscles are overtired, and permanent dis
tortion OF the spine is the inevitable re-
suit. To avoid these evils, desks should
be so constructed that when the pupil is
seated the shoulders should be even, the
spine straight, the head balanced on the
top OF the spine, the elbows on a level
with each other, and only the hands and
part OF the forearm resting on the desk.
In order TO effect this, DR.. Liebrich rec
ommendS desk in which the angle is
twenty degrees, for writing, and which.
ooy turning up flap, gives an angle of
iorty degrees, for supporting a book for
reading lie strongly condemns the alb
surd, unanatomical notion that STRAIGHT
spines can be insured by making children
sit up straight without support for the
back, thus overfatiguing the muscles and
producing the very effect desired to be
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1873-08-28
What to DO in an Emergency.

IT is good thing to know what to do
when man faints away and falls down
on the street. \ pedestrian fell down on
Monroe avenue yesterday, being lust off
"a sick bed, and it was wonderful how
many men in the crowd knew exactly
what was the best thing to do. One
called for brandy; another waved the
crowd back; another shouted "policen
and ''coroner:" a fourth brought a bucket
of water from a saloon, and all the others
crowded in as closely as possible and be-
gan wondering if the man had his life in
sured. Some wanted to throw water on
the victim, and others thought that his
boots ought to be removed, and the man
with the slop-pail fell down in il and
jumped up and kicked at lame boy.
Two boys were sent for doctor, but
didn't go, and a market woman crowded
IN and told them to raise the mans head.
Some one put brick under his neck.
and another general call was made for
whisky, camphor, gin, soda, pop, root
beer, ginger ale, vinegar, water and lager.
Nothing was brought, and after few
minutes the man opened his eyes, gave
his name and asked to be taken home.
After he had departed a doctor arrived, a
coroner came putting along, and the
crowd came near having a fight as to who
was entitled to the honor of saving the
mans life.-Detr0it Free Press.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1873-08-28

people cannot be deceived by empty pro-
fessions? We care not how well the de-
sign is put on, the lack of sincerity soon
becomes apparent and the true motive is
exposed Men are not even the monsters
they try to make themselves. They can
not long cloak evil purposes though they
attempt to do so. A lack of earnestness
felt in the advocacy Of a good cause is
sure to exhibit itself sooner or later, and
prove the hearts of men to be less hypo-
critical than their heads. For while de-
ception may serve, and sometimes the
hatred Of the Republican party may be
taken for zeal in behalf of the people; but
time brings the truth to light, and in this
instance but a very brief period has been
necessary. chicago Inter-Ocean.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1873-08-28
ASK for Prussing's Cider Vinegar, and take
no other. Warranted to preserve Pickles.

VINEGAR BrrTERs THE GREATEST YET.
A few doses stir the life-current; slug
gishness departs, pain vanishes, and after
continued use Of the remedy the whole
body CLOVIS with a new energy and new
being. Purge the blood and every organ
will perform its function perfectly. The
stomach will be no longer tortured with
Dyspepsia. the lungs will be free from
Consumption, the liver active, the heart
healthy, the brain clear, the nerves braced,
and the mind elastic. Use the VINEGAR
BITTERs, and purge your blood Whether
the disease be Feper, Consumption, Dys-
pepssa, 4tectton Of tie Ltrer or Kidaeys,
Dr0psy, Catarrh, Rheumatism, Gout, or
pains and aches Of any kind, attack it in
its stronghold, the blood-the fountain of
life-and ii will soon surrender and aban-
don the outposts. To do this you must
have the "VINEGAR BITTERs;" there is
no complaint to which the human system
is liable, that viii not yield to its inttu-
ence, and there are thousands which no
other remedial agent will remove
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1873-08-28
A DIsea.e with a Thousand Symptoms.

Dyspepsia Is the most perplexing of all human
ailments Its symptoms are almost infinite in
their variety, and the forlorn and respondent vic
tins of the disease often fancy themselves the
prey, in turn of every known malady This is
due, in part, to the close sympathy which exists
between the stomach and the brain, and in part,
also, TO the fact that any disturbance of the dges
tive function necessarily disorders the liver, the
bowels and the nervous system, and affects to
some extent, the quality of the blood. medi-
cine that, like Uostctter's Btters not only tones
the stomach but AT the time controls the liver
produces regular habit of body, braces the
nerves, PARTIES the fluids and ministers to a mind
diseased is therefore the true and only specific
for chronic indigestion. Such is the operation of
this famous vegetable restorative. 1t not only
cures dyspepsia. but also all concomtants and
consequences. Moreover it Is invaluable as pre-
yentive of indigestion. No one who chooses to
take half a wineglassful of this agreeable appeti-
ger and stomachic habitually three times day
will be troubled with oppression after eating,
nausea, sour eructatons, any other indications
OF a want of vigor in the digestive and assimila-
tag organs. The debility and languor supern-
duced by hot weather are immediately and perma-
nently relieved by the Biters and persons who are
constitutionally inclined TO look upon life las
through glass, darby" will be apt TO take 4
brighter and more hopeful view of the situation
under the genial influence Of this wholesome me-
dicinal siimulant.
Mineral Point tribune. (Mineral Point, Wis.) 1869-1938, 1873-08-28
The New Party in the Collapse.

THE new party does not meet with that
encouragement its founders so confidently
expected. To speak plainly, it is receiv
ing very shabby treatment. For some
cause or other the obstinate "masses"
VIII notrise, and the soulstirrinr utter
dnces Of those patriotic orators who. sac
rlhice self that they may 90 about doinr
Good, iaIl ON tl>ICss ears and uniutcrested
or disguised faces. Even larrn mn
Iority of the Democrats, who ought TO he
ready 10 embrace ANYTHING rather Than
retain their old name, refuse 10 touch tbr
thing, and say they got all they wanted nr
these new departures" last fall. They
prefer 10 stay with lheir old party, bad rs
IL Is. III IS such pity that this state Of
lhingS should continue and the work OF
Inc Alien County movement come ta
haughl that economists of MI Dal.ties
must gaze upon the prospect with sad
ness, somebody is to blame in the affair.
some one has acted the part of n cheat
ana a sWindler. There's CUNNINGHAM
ana v mite and Il hundred or more Demo.
cralS IN ONO, who have crossed the river
burned the bridge behind them. and are
now wandering on the opposite banL
Mithout any visible means Of Support
mere are Brlnkerhof and HassalireL
with their discontinued Liberal friende
who went up and sold themselves to the
new movement, only to find that they are
worse off than ever. When Mr.. Bundle
found how he had been taken in hv
the matron of the workhouse, he
boldly faced the matter and
acknowledged himself fool Il
sold myself" said the Bcadle, "for a dozen
silver spoons pair Of sugar tongs, and a
milk pot | went cheap Dirt cheap"
We do not doubt the Liberals Of Ohio feel
that they brought even less than this at
the Columbus Convention. VIII design
ing politicians of the school composing
the various conventions of the Pharisees
throughout the West ever learn that the