Whig and tribune. [volume] (Jackson, Tenn.) 1870-1877, 1873-11-22
CRIMPs AND BIATRImONY
BY GRACE VERNON.

Married people have always sus
pected that great mistake wa.
made when old bachelors and ole
maids we're not elected to multiply
and replenish the earth and bring
up the children; and it is evident
that the world suffers quite NJ
acute!y because the women mostly
involved in matrimony are not I'M
married ladies. Every little while
there cometh forth one whose fan
is in her hand, and who thorough
~ makes wives sea-sick with hel
wise counsel, ike apples Of gold IL
pictures of pot-metal. Just now il
IS Gail Hamilton, holding forth
like an oracle on 'Crimps' in mar.
ried life, as if her 0 IN head, bris t.
ling with slate-pencils aud hedged
about with hair-pIns, had nestled
for a century on the soothing front
Of q complacent night-shirt.
o Gail, answer: What is the use
Of making porcupines Of ourselves
for crimps when frizzes can be
bought for eighty cents yard?-
Hast thou not seen, and dost thou
not know, that thing of beauty is
4 JOY so long as it is beautiful? and
that man seeth his face in a smok-
cd glass and straightway forget
teth what manner Of man he isl
How much more then, o We of lit
tie wit, shall he forget what man
ner OF loyal, loving, brave, intelIi-
gent, sympathetic woman she is,
who cometh forth as a sunaower
every day, in alt the glory where
Withal her fine arts have embellish-
ed her., when during the longer
hours given to the CLOSE commu-
Mon of home and hearth, the pro
eesses by which she goes forth
eonquering and TO conquer con-
vert her into a miscellaneous muck
heap OF bread-and-miik, wire, tim
Der, tar, slate, glyeerine, egg. hen.
cy, asafetida, and small parcels of
every other conceivable commodity
that would be considered neeessa-
ny to start u new city on from
tier. Can any degree Of softness
in fair hand fidealize' out of a
mans head the poulticed fists that
have lain by his side all night like
pair of pudding bags? or ever so
elaborate a smile snuff out the i'm
preston of face sm reared with
things that are mysterious to him.
and head more formidable than
nightmare with seventeen horns
crowned with u dismantled umba-
rellaY Nay, verify; and if the wo-
man who dovclopes from such
dragon into catastrophe that re-
sembles a 'rag-bag overtaken by
hurricane, with face like hair
dresser's dummy, and head like a
panic-sized old Dutch broom is o
fresh surprise TO him ovary morn
ing she is n no less fresh terror
every night.
But this is a wicked and pervsrse
generation, and there are men,
whether in their senses or out OF
their senses | don't know, but ap.
parently in the natural state of the
sex, who suffer things that are not,
10 bring to naught things that are,
actting manufactured charms be-
fore the ordinary natural grace Of
the female countenance, and pre-
lcrring women who are fearfully
and wonderfully constructed to the
homemade article, however ten
der, true, devoted, and wise. -
Wherefore, . Gail, there are many /,
among us pricked to the heart, and |
they all cry out, What shall we do |
10 be saved? For surely no wo |
man ever made herself beloved, or /
even rich or famous by superinter-
ding the washing of pots and pull
ing down Of cob-webs, or even ma.
nipulating children; for all these
things do harden the palm and
wrinkle the visage; which things
are not seemly among US. Neither
do the Maries who sit at the feet of
the law-givers and learn the cares
of state and the deceitlulness of
politics reap aught but spectacles
and forlorn wisp of back hair
But 1t Is those who toll not, Meth
CIR spin, but eclipse Solomon in his
glory who appropriate if not the
better part, at least the very soft.
est spot in this world, with the
largest half of that peace which
all understanding, common
Iy mans heart
Then why this pleasing hope,
&e.y this longing after utility? Let
us lay down the ballot and the
broom, and grid on hood, and caul,
and wimple, and with paint.pot in
one hand and curling tongs in the
other. go forth to the taking of the
plincipalities and powers. Rather,
DO we not know, that instead Of
holding our own in spite Of these
little mechanisms,' every mothers
daughter of US would probably
have to hold SONS other wo-
mans own or rise superior 10 the
trash that mon call love, and can
vas her own ballOony For after all
these things do the women seek
whose feet lay hold on hell. but
whose hands so for our husbands
pockets. And ia this they have
the advantage of US, moments in
which to snore unsupported; hours
CT seelusion from the masculine
eye, when they may rejoice in all
lie hideoUsness that contributes TO
hose arguments Of person which
constitute their stock in trad,. and
which they would suffer
or provender
Therefore, if in these things only
sc have hope, wives are Of all wo-
nen most miserable; seeing that
hoy demoralizc Us while they pan.
Ter TO that taste in man which is
.lready burden 10 us, and make /
OF no account. Lot US
hen rise 20 the occasion and be- {
'ome both useful and ornamental:
.celIiug our lords interest while
lot neglecting his pleasure; keep :
2 our houses in order with our d
'wn hands II necessary, protecting '
hem wiki gloves, and avoiding /
,oultices which are Gnseemly; es-
'hewing slate-penciis and things t
hat bring sorrow to the scalp, and I
rttully weaving plenty of Dough :
en- hair into our own resses; and /
y setting excellent hash with gush- a
ng eheorlulness and all the virtue q
nd wisdom and astuteness com
lined in Nebster's Unabridged .,
.alnst The smiles that have specu- +
alton 10 them, and against eharla- e
an arts and rouges that lovely v
economy which works over old Z
.otbes into miracles that make 81
,iIlinnrs nnd lrass-rnnl.nr- I'LL. ol