davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1873-09-12

A BUSINESS CHAP.-There is an all
of business in the following which one
connot fail to admire. 1t is from De-
troit merchant whose wife died the
other day: ''Dear Sir: take my pen
in hand to let you know that | am we'll,
but my dear wife, insured for five thou
sand dollars in your company is no
more. She died to-day. Her policy
is No. | can truly say that she was
a fond wife and good mother. 1 have
the doctors certificate, so that there
will be no trouble about the policy
She was sick only short time but suf-
fered much. Do you give check in
advance, or must wait sixty days for
the money"
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1873-09-12

p9%A Rochester woman, married to
her second husband, recently said to
him: ooh, how happy poor Charles
would be, if he were still alive to see
himself replaced by man as a agree
able as yon are"
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1873-09-12
Absent Minded People.

Sir Isaac Newton wanted his servant
to carry out a stove that was getting too
hot.
A fellow stole Sir Isaac's dinner be-
fore his eyes, and he afterwards thought
he had eaten it because he saw the dish
es empty,
A Scotch professor walked into the
i .YlIIHI . Z, = 15.s Wn11e PIONEERING
/. / pu.s p1.sar Causes.
Ben. Franklin punched down the fire
with the finger of a young lady sitting
at his side, and severely burned the lily
white poker.
A gentleman in Troy received let
ter in the dark, and used it to light a
lamp, and looked about for it to read.
Pere Gratry, one day in Paris, think
ing he had left his watch at home, took
it out Of his pocket to see if he had time
to 60 back after it.
Neander, the church historian, used
to 60 to his lectures in his night cap
and night gown, and sometimes walk
ed in the gutter.
But all these cases do not equal that
of man who takes paper year after
year and always forgets to pay for it.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1873-09-12

agFew, if any, repent of their 81
lence; many repent of their talk.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1873-05-28

Some persons exhibit an
extraordinary desire Cor notoriety,
no matter at what expense to them
selves. A pawnbroker of Oldham,
England, named John Butler, re-
ceived key by post, and note
which said, "The key to the mys-
terry; open it and you will know
your enemy. Yours, Nobody"
Soon afterward a box came to his
house, the mysterious key fitted its
lock, and when Butler opened the
box a pistol concealed within it
exploded and came near killing him.
The matter was placed in the hands
of detectives, who soon discovered
that it was Butler himself who had
sent the box. For years he had
been in the habit Of writing and
posting threatening letters to him
self, and once he had stabbed him
self, pretending that some one had
tried to assassinate him.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1873-05-28

The following took place in at
tempting to prove an alibi:
Attorney S. You say that Ellis
plowed for you all day on the 29th of
November?
Witness-(referring to his book
Yes.
S. What did he do on the 3Oth?
w. He chopped wood.
S. On the 31st?
W. That was Sunday and we went
squirrel hunting.
s. What did he do on the SD?
w, He thrashed wheat on that day.
S. What did he do on the SD?
w. 1t was raining, and he shaved
out some handles.
S. What did he do on the 34th?
w. He chopped wood.
s. What did he do on the
But before the question could be
finished. the witnesses wife seized
him by the collar and whisked him
outside Of the witness box yelling
in his affrightened ear
you old fool don't you know
there are only thirty-one days in the
month of November"
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1873-05-28

We clip the follwing pleasant
paragraph from the st. Louis Dis
patch: ga Professor Newman, who
ever he may be, has a letter in a
recent number of The Spectator, in
which he advocates suicide and
murder as duty, under certain
conditions. He says he has asked
the opinions of many people and
they "think painful, useless, and
hopeless life ought to be ended"
In regard to murder, he supposes
two cases-one in which member
of parity passing through the will
derness breaks down, and must be
left behind in order that the others
may save their lives, and begs to be
killed at once, in order to save him
from greater and prolonged suffering
and another in which a sick old
life ruins the young life that at
tends it. Under the music de-
signatiens of "Euthanasia," he
speaks of this sort of murder as an
act that ought to be publicly approx
ed and realized, under certain con-
ditions. He thinks that, "preperly
restricted the privilege of murder
would not be liable to abuse" 1t is
the duty of somebody to kill Prof.
Newman.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1873-05-28
pottrs.
A Sad Story.

It's about an ancient cannibal man
Who came from an island near Japan,
A cannibal man who was tough and old
When Barnum bought him and paid in gold,
And whether the man or Barnum WAS sold,
You viii learn in this solemn story.
His teeth were sharp as the teeth Of a saw,
And he had two rows in his lower jaw
Filed and polished and ready for use
On any customer full of juice,
Or the first fine baby that lay around loose,
For babies were all his glory.
But Barnum kept his man in Z cage,
Though he felt quite sure, at the fellows age,
That his cannibalistic feats were done,
Unless he should eat man for fun;
And once on the sly he fed him one,
Which wasn't wise proceeding.
Tor having tasted a white mans meat,
He was always ready to kill and eat,
And he looked with longing at rosy girls
Who came to the show in shining curls,
With cheeks like peaches and teeth like pearls,
And he wondered how they tasted.
1t happened once, when the flesh was weak,
That he snatched bite from rosy cheek.
When Barnum entered the cage to beat him,
The cannibal thought he had come to treat him,
And so straightway began to eat him,
without even salt or pepper.
And though he was stringy and awful tough,
For good square meal he proved enough,
Alas alack what terrible omen;
1t teaches to women as well as to showTnen,
That whether cannibal, Greek or Roman.
Be ever so old, you can't trust no man.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1873-05-28
Counting a Hundred.
From the Danbury News.

A Danbury man named Reubens
recently saw q statement that count
ing one hundred when tempted to
speak an angry word, would save a
man q great deal of trouble. This
statement sounded a little singular
at first, but the more he read it over
the more favorably he became inn
pressed with it, and finally concluded
to adept it. Next door to Reubens
lives a man who has made five dis
tinct attempts in the past fortnight
to secure a dinner of green peas by
the first of July, and every time he
has been retarded by Reubens' hens.
The next morning after Reubens
made his resolution this man found
his fifth attempt to have miscarried
Then he called on Reuben3. He
said:
what in thunder do you mean
by letting your hens tear up my
garden|'
Reubens was prompted to call him
a mud-snoot, new name just com
ing into general use, but he remem-
bered his resolution, put down his
rage, and meekly observed:
"One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight
Then the mad neighbor who had
been eyeing this answer with q great
deal of suspicion, broke in again.
why don't you answer my ques-
ton, you rascal?"
But still Reubens maintained his
equanimity, and went on with the
test.
Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thir-
teen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen"
The mad neighbor stared harder
than ever.
Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen.
twenty, twenty-one-"
"You are mean skunk" said the
mad neighbor, backing toward the
fence.
Reubens' face flushed at this
charge, but he only said:
twenty-five, twenty three, TWEEN
ty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six-"
At this figure the neighbor got up
on the fence in some haste, but sud-
denly thinking of his peas, he open
ed his mouth:
''You mean, low-lived rascal, for
two cents could knock your crack
ed head over a barn, and would"
''Twenty-seven, twenty-eight," in
terrupted Reubens, "twenty-nine.
thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty
three
Here the neighber broke for the
house, and entering it violently
slammed the door behind him but
Reubens did not dare let up on the
enunciation, and so he stood out
there alone in his own yard, and
kept on counting, while burning
cheeks and flashing eyes eloquently
affirmed his Judgment. When he got
up into the eighties his wife came to
the door in some alarm.
"Why, Reubens, man, what is the
matter with you" she said. do
come into the house."
But he didn't let up. She came
out to him, and clung trembling to
him, but he only looked into her eyes
and said:
"Ninety-three, ninety-four, ninety
five, ninety-six, ninety y-seven, ninety
eight, ninety-nine, one hundred-go
into the house, old woman, or TIL
bust ye."
And she went.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1873-05-28

Mr.. William Holden, a printer at
present working on Phillips South
egn Farmer. in Memphis, was re-
Gently notified by his attorneys that
he is one of three heirs to an estate
in England. which, one hundred and
sixty-eight years ago, was worth
$15,ooo,000 in gold. If it is worth
that now, we presume that he will
quit sticking" type.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1873-05-28
Two DOLLARS A YEAR.
And then says T.

''Milly, forgive poor old stupid
goose. This letter has been lying
under my best crushed coffee three
months and day. And there's a
vessel in the ofing now
So it was VIII. after all, and Job
and went to the wedding with hap
py hearts. And no need to pity
Capt. Kincaid either, for he married
Fanny Mere before the year was out.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1873-05-28

1t has been suggested that Presi.
dent Grant will probably appoint a
present member of the Supreme
Court to the Chief Ju>ticeshi2, and
nominate Hon. Horace Maynard to
the vacancy thus created.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1873-05-28

The Missionary Board Of the
Methodist Episcopal Church, South.
recently decided to raise within the
next year missionary fund Of $780,
600. They also projected Mexican
mission. SO says the Nashville
Banner.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1873-05-28

1t is said that within the last
twenty years people have squan-
dered $25, 100000 in trying to estab-
lish daily newspapers in the city Of
New York. We don't believe it,
but if we had one tenth of the sum
we wouldn't care continental
whether any daily newspapers were
started or not.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1873-05-28

1t Is estimated that between forty
and fifty barrels of whisky are man.
ufactured daily in Moore county. and
yet the. demand is greater than the
supply.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1873-05-28

The New Orleans Republican says |:
''Governor Kellogg is determined to
put stop to all the various plans
that have been in vogue for plum
dering the State treasury" Then
he viii probably put an end to him
self
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1873-05-28

Alcorn, the Senator from Mis-.
sissippi, defends the hack-salary
steal on the ground that Wash
ington society is very bad and mem
bers need their wives with them to
keep them straight. Well, you can
not always tell what a scallawag
may need. But isn't cheerful for
the American people to feel that
this is the kind of man who makes
their laws?
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1873-05-28
ADVERTISING RATES.

One square, (ten lines, or less for fret Insertion
One Dollar, each subsequent insertion Fifty cents
liberal discount from the above rate viii be
made to yearly advertisers.
Obituaries of over ten lines VIII be charged as
advertisements.
All bills due upon first insertion of advertise
ment, unless otherwise contracted for.
All announcements of candidates must be paid
for in advance
JOB WORK must be paid for on delivery.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1873-05-28

Gen. Whitthorne claims as a
matter of history that he was the
only Congressman from the South
who made a speech against the back
salary grab. But after rejecting
that his people would be taxed to
pay it he concluded to give them
the benefit of it. Therefore he drew
the amount and donated it to the
Southern Methodist University to be
established at Nashville, the money
to remain a perpetual fund and the
interest to be applied to the educa-
tien of such boys as may be recon-
mended by the several county courts
of his Congressional district. Boys
educated on that fund will be apt to
grew up good and great men, and go
straight to preaching or to Congress.
The Morristown gazette. [volume] (Morristown, Tenn.) 1867-1920, 1873-05-28

Gen. D. II. Hill, of the Charlotte
IN. c. Home, asks: "who would not
rather be a crippled Confederate
soldier munching a crust of bread,
than poor Longstreet, the pet of
Grant, and the idol of Louisiana
thieves?" Until Gen. Hill learns
to construct conundrums that we can
solve without hurting poor Long
streets feelings, we hope he will do
us the kindness to quit the business.
The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1873-02-20
The shield of Health

Debility opens the door to disease. Nor is this
all. When the door has been opened and the terri
BILE Intruder has entered physical prostration
ders Its progress to the citadel of life comparative
ly easy. Therefore bar The door, and If possible
keep 1t barred; or, If the enemy has already Sc
cured foothold, rally the strength of the system
and to drive out the foe of health and
life. The means of doing this is within every one s
reach. Brace up the physique with Hostetter's
Stomach Bitters when there are elements in the
air you breathe or the water you drink that are
morbid and unwholesome. This is barring the
door. Epidemics and endemies will assail in vain
the living fortress that is thus protected 1t may
:" laugh siege to scorn." But If this precaution-
ary measure has been neglected, the seeds of dis
ease can be elected by the same potent vegetable
agent that would, If taken earlier, have prevented
their obtaining an entrance into the system. The
stimulating, invigorating, regulating and purify
ing properties of this vital elixir render 1t most
formidable antagonist of all debilitating disor-
ders. The rapidity and certainty with which IL
yanqsishes fever and ague, rheumatism, bilious
collie indigestion and nervous complaints is due I'm
NO small degree to the strength 1t imparts TO the
muscular fiber, the nerves and the membranes
which line the stomach and the bowels. 1t NAV
be safely said that course of the Bitters COM
menced now will be a sure protection against most
OF the complaints incident to the season
The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1873-02-20
Great Britain and Ireland.

1t appears that the census return fol-
Great Britain and Ireland, as heretofore
published, are not quite accurate. The
enumeration of the people was made all
over the United Kingdom on one and the
same day, namely, April 3, 1871. The re-
vised returns shew some errors. Thus,
it has hitherto been set down that the en-
tire population of the British Isles, in
1871, was 32,Sl7, los, against 29,070, ,932 in
1861 f; whereas it was trihe less, namely
81, ,62S 1888. These returns show that Ire
land had decreased 6.7 per cent, in the
last ten years. The United States popu-
lation, by the census of 1870, was 3S, $780,
1888, as against that of 1860, which was
81 ,443, ,32I; but it must be remembered
that within that decade were four years of
very destructive civil war, which must
have swept away nearly two millions of
able-bodied men. Without this depletion
our population in 1870 would have been
S,O0O,O0O greater than that of England in
iSH. The corrected census returns show
the area OF South Britain England and
Wales) to be 81 ,3l9, ,22l statute acres. 1t
had been variously estimated at from 28,-
OOO,00o to 10000, 600, but the above is tie
result OF recent survey.-Forney's Press.
The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1873-02-20
An Immense Fraud.

| Early in 1914 the bank of England, and,
in fact. the whole Stock Exchange, were
victimiZed, by "bull" fraud that rivals
| in its magnitude, and certainly in its dar-
ing, the most famous of our Wall street
| corners, not excepting even that of ''Black
Friday" England was almost exhausted
by her terrible fift zen years. struggle with
Napoleon, and tOttered on the verge of
revolution and financial ruin. The sue
cessful military operations which had
checked the last grand coalition had added
to the deep anxiety and depressed the
funds to an alarming extent. Of a sudden
there was a tremendous rally. Consols
rose with jump, and the transfers of a
single day were greater than those OF
months previous. The transactions on
Change were of such magnitude that the
nimble fingers OF the clerks could scarcely
find time to record them. The cause of
the excitement was this: On the 2lst OF
February, about l O'Clock in the morning,
violent knocking was heard at the door
of the Ship Inn, at Dover. The intruder
announced himself as Lieutenant Colonel
Duboug, aid-de-camp of Lord Cathcart.
His richly embroidered uniform, his stars,
orders, gold lace, ETC., supported the as
sertlen, and the salt spray which wetted
him confirmed his story that he had bribed
iShoi elHuSRier W prlnS Hlu across
the Strait. His news was important. Ma
poleon had been slain in battle, and the
allied armies were in Paris.
The widest excitement was produced,
The news was forwarded to London, and
spread like wildfire. Stocks and consOls
rose with tremendous rapidity, and Sc
curities which had been bought by the
of the job on Saturday for
some $5,000,0O0, sold OIL Monday for fully
100000. The crash followed speedily,
and the banks and Exchange awoke to the
fact that they had been ''bulled" out of
over e2,000,000 Investigation implicated
in the fraud some of the leading nobility,
hcluding Lord Cochrane, one of England's
most gallant naval officers. - Cincinnati
Times.
The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1873-02-20

WE have often heard men complain of a
severe pain across the back in the region of
the kidneys, caused sometimes by too heavy
lifting-at others, by taking cold. The very
delicate organization of these most import
ant organs has got deranged. There is loss
of power in them to properly fulfill their
functions. Now, in such cases you want
something that has a specific action on the
affected parts, and in all the materia medica
you can find no better combination than
PARKER's COMPOUND FLUID EXTRACT BU-
CHU. A diuretic, tonic, and bracing, the
diseased kidneys soon resume their normal
condition, and the patient rejoices in free
dom from his pain, and restored health.
The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1873-02-20

only defense was that the agents made
s%Sory tss iase Of raRsSsfa fremont But or
these false statements, however, the bonds
could not have been sold,
When all the facts are brought out on
trial this will probably be found to be one
of the most adroit and successful swindles
of the period. 1t could not have been per-
petrated In England or Germany, where
American securities are better known, nor
can 1t be repeated in France. 1t has af-
fected seriously the good name of our
country in France.-N. Y. Herald.
The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1873-02-20
An Eccentric Governor.

One of the eueerest old fellows among
| the first settlers in Boston was Gov. Bel
| bingham. There are many curious stories
| told about him, but the most singular is
that respecting his marriage. 1t is related
by Gov. Winthrop in his diary, and was
| written at the time the affair took place.
| Bellingha;n was Governor of the colony
of Massachusetts Bay in 1641. He was
| fifty years old. There was then young
lady In Boston named Penelope Pelham,
who was twenty-five years of age, and
was engaged to be married to a young
man, who was friend of the Governor,
and lived in the Governors house.
BY what arts we know not, but it is
certain that the Governor persuaded Miss
Penelope that he loved her best, and so,
one day, while the young man supposed
that his sweetheart was true to him, the
Governor and the young lady were mar
ried. But the singular part of it was, that
as the Governor wanted to keep his little
affair secret, ''and perhaps because he could
think of no clergyman to whom he dared
apply to perform the ceremony, he mar
ried himself! 49,.
We may imagine the old Governor
standing up before himself and Miss Pei
ham. and going through the service in the
old Puritan style.
"Do you, Richard, take Penelope" says
Gov. Bellingham, "to be your wife2
81 do" replies Richard to himself as
Governor.
"Do you, Penelope, take Richard to be
your husband ?''
81 do" feebly replies the little flirt.
"Then," says Gov. Bellingham, 81 pro-
nounce myself and you husband and wife,
according to the rules of the Christian
church and the laws of the Province of
Massachusetts, Bay"
The ceremony is over, and the Governor
ssalutes the bride, and hopes she will be
happy with her husband. 1t may be said
here, that she was happy with him, and
they lived together more than thirty years.
Mrs Bellingham survived her husband
thirty years, and died in 1902, at the adj
vanced age of eightY-three years.
The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1873-02-20
The MILwAuKEE MoNTHLY. publishe

IHE MILWAUKEE MONTHLY, published
at Milwaukee, Wisconsin, is one of the best dol
lar monthlies. The March number is an excel
lent one, and fully redeems the promise of the
publisher to effect substantial improvements
with each succeeding number. 1t is mainly de-
voted TO general literature, but has each month
an Illustrated fashion article which ladies pro-
nounce eminently practical and valuable The
publisher requests intending subscribers to for
ward their subscriptions direct to the office, or
pay them only to an agent whom they know to
be responsible.
The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1873-02-20
For sale by all Medicine Dealers.

WONDERFUL STATEMENTS. Unless hun.
dreds Of our most responsible citizens
have conspired to delude the community.
medicine has at last been introduced
which is specific for almost every human
ailment, not involving the entire paraly-
zation or partial destruction of the organ
or organs in which it exists. These wit
nesses testify Tin some instances from their
own personal experience in others on be-
half of others,) that dyspepsia, liver com.
plant, remittent and intermittent fever,
nervous debility, and numberless other
diseases, are rapidly and radically cured
by the new remedy. 1t halls from Cali
fornia, and has in two years overleaped all
competitors among advertised tonics, and
become par erceLlence the medicine of the
people. California is an exceptional region.
Its vegetable products, especially those of
a medicinal nature have no equivalent
elsewhere, and it is from the choicest of
these that DR.. j. Walker prepares his ia
nous alcoholics VINEGAR BITTERs, the
invaluable invigorant, nutrient, laxative
and Alternative to which we refer. Those
who have tested the curative properties of
this marvellous preparation pronounce it
the most comprehensive remedy ever
offered to mankind, and assert that there
is no inorganic disease which it will not
subdue. AS a family medicine, we can re-
commend it without reserve.
The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1873-02-20
CHICAGO PULPIT

CHICAGO PULPIT.-The last number of
the Chicago Pulpit contains sermon by that orig
inal thinker, Prof. David Swing. The Chicago
Pulpit enters on its second year better than ever
before. 1t is live, unsectarian, and contains
weekly, the very best sermons of Chicago minis
tiers. Published weekly by CARPENTER & Shell
DON 'soS w Wabash avenue, Chicago. 81 80 per year,
10 cents a single number.