The Republican journal., 1873-03-13
The Ludicrous in Patents.

The Ludicrous in Patents.
The amount OF miSapplied talent en-
gagpd on inventions that can never be
used is as wonderful rs it is prolific, and
there is n ludicrOus element in many OF
the patents and more of the applications,
which is well worth investigation. We
extract from the records OF the Patent Of
flee an account of some of these that
show more genius than common sense,
and have produced more laughter than
profit.
In 1870 the owner of certain bee-hives
irritated by the loss of his honey by the
bee-moth, asked for patent for a COM
bined hen-roost and bee hive He had
noticed that the bee-moth travels at night,
while the busy bee works by dav. Hi,
desire. therefore, was for a device that
should admit the worker by day and keeI
out the thief by night. This his ingenuity
effected by the erection of n hen-r0ost
piyOted upon a beehive, provided with
gates. The bees were expected to be in
their cells Just before dusk; the hens,
Lighting on their roosts, were then to close
the gates of the hive, and keep them shut
all night. The early rising of the hens
would automatically open the gates again,
and return the bees-their honey all safe
to the airs of heaven and the flowers of
earth. He received the patent.
Another applicant asked for a patent
right for an artificial moon, that should
light each town that used it without cx-
pense. His eye had often been struck by
the reflection of distant windows at sun
set, and how far light travelled. He there
fore proposed a balloon for each town,
sufficiently large to raise a huge reflector
that was 10 be hosted every evening al
dusk (ahout the time the hens had shut in
the bees.) The reflection of the sun ;
rays. cast. downWard upon the village,
was sure TO light it through all the dark
ness OF The night. Fortunately for him
self, this inventor presented his appica-
ton through patent attorney who told
him it was doubtful il it could be obtain
ed
In the fall OF 1872, gentlemen, proba-
bly, from California, applied for and re-
ceived patent tor building houses on
wheels or rollers, 50 that in case of earth
quakes they might roll forward or back
ward and not be shaken to pieces.
Only three years have passed away
since a very ingenious gentleman tron
the rural districts applied for patent tc
prevent cows from switching their tails
He presented two models one shaped
like bottle around the neck of which the
COWS tail was to be cu1 led the other con
sisted OF a square block, with d hole
through the centre, wherein the tail was
to be put and tied in knot so that the
al ,;tl, Al
sentation of the application, the official
examiner thought it could not be granted
because of a similar device in Don
Quixote," where Sancho Panza, trying tc
sleep in the hay-loft was kept awake by
the braying of his donkey below His
waketulness gave Sancho time to reflect
that when riding the donkey, the animal
always switched his tail when he braved
Descending hastily from the hay-lott the
squire tied a block to the donkey's tail tc
prevent him from braying But as this
device originated with Spaniard, anG
had never been repeated in this country
the office decided to grant the patent
Our readers will, therefore, remember
| that they cannot tie u cows tail to pre-
vent its switching without payment o
royalty to the owner of this privilege.
Another gentleman applied for paten
for heating canals by steam, SO that boat
| ing could go on in winter as well as il
summer. The office decided that this in
vention was worthy of protection, ant
gave him his patent.
Another applied for q combination 0
clock and bed, 80 ingeniously contrivec
that, when the clock struck, the bottom o
the bed dropped out. He claimed tha
this plan would probably awaken the
| sleepers.
Speaking of combinations, he must
| have come from Missouri or Kansas who
asked for a patent for combination o
cannon and plow. For this purpose he
| filed three applications, making the eIon
gated handles of the plow hollow, so az
to form two cannon. These were to be
kept loaded till the guerrlllas were afte,
him the cannons were then to be fired. tn,
guerrillas shot down. and the farmer o.
on his blowing way rejoicing.
And he, too, must have come from the
borders, who asks for a patent of a com
bination OF trunk and house The trunl
was made with triple sides moving up ant
down. Doing duty all day in guarding
clothes, when night came on, and nc
cabin near, the goods were to be taker
out, the triple walls elevated into one
and the benighted traveller safely housed
Another asked for patent Tor the in
vention OF the generation of steam, b,
boring hole into the ground till he reach
ed the waters that are boiled by the eter
nal fires of earth. He set forth, among
the advantages of his plan, that there
would be no danger of explosions, no cx
pense for fuel, no necessity of engineers
all OF which statements are undoubtedl,
true
1t mast nave been relative of this las
gentleman, and one equally acquainted
with the laws that govern the hidden hear
OF inns planet, who applied for a paten
for boring the earth tor artesian wells to
purposes of irrigation. He gravelv se
forth that he had made the discovery tha
quicksilver was heavier than common
earth. He therefore proposed to start s
hole, and to empty into it little mercury
By the laws of nature that mercury wouIt
be sure to work its way downward till i
struck water, and the water would the1
be sure to work its way upward till i
struck air.
Should it be said that such patents a
this last, as that for the prevention O
cows switching their tails, for artilicia
moons, tor plows doing the work of can
non, &c, must be jokes, we can only re
ply that shrewd Yankees are not wont tt
pay $35 even for practical Jokes, and tina
none of these designs have eliminated
INTO patents under less than that sum, ant
when attorneys were employed, unde
| h q and l,,,,> Il ~