Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-06-05
PHUNNYGRAMS.

An opera-singer's most treasured jewel
Her precious tones.
OF all the birds that please us with
their lays, the most popular is the hen.
-Query-Are the Michiganders any re-
lation to the Portuguese, and if so, how
much and what?
To Correspondence with
thanks, "Castor Oil and Senna," "a Night
in the Rain,' "Kicks and Cuffs" and
Good Advice" *. q. ~
One of the most eventful epochs in a
boys history is when he first addresses his
father as the "old man" 1t is patriarchal
term, and if the boy is rightly treated af
terward by the family physician, he lives
great many years to enjoy it.
An angry teacher was whipping a
pupil, and having prolonged the exercise
far beyond the bounds of moderation, the
boy looked up and calmly said, Come,
sir you must be tired; let's take a rest -
and he wrested the whip from the teach
er's hand.
An auctioneer, at a sale Of antiquities,
put up helmet, with the following can
did observations: "This, ladies and gen
tlemen, is a helmet of Romulus, the Ro-
man founder; but whether he was a brass,
iron, or type founder cannot tell"
You never know the latent talent in a
washstand TIL you try to move one Just
to look at it one would think it could be
moved with all the crockery on it; but
when you pick it up the washbowl and
pitcher waltz around so that you arc
obliged to set them down to prevent frac
ture. Then the drawer comes out and
spills everything you have lost in three
months over the floor, and when you get
on that side to keep the drawer in, the
doors fly open and bark your shins
When you get to the door all the corners
hit promiscuously, and you get the skin
knocked off from three knuckles of one
hand; but that makes you Just mad
enough to finish the job in twenty three
seconds-and the washstand. The safes
way is to hire man on a fair salary, and
charge him for breakage.-Ut5caH Herald
-Gumbs had his roof fixed the Other
day, and before he went down town he
ordered his hired girl to clean the SCOT ou
Of the chimney by exploding little gun
powder in the tiue. She is girl who has
never had much to do with powder, so she
put about fifteen pounds in a key ano
placed it in the chimney Just as she
struck the match one of the men on the
root leaned over the top Of the chimney
to give some directions to the man who
was warming up the gravel down in thu
street. Suddenly he heard a dull thud
and the next minute he was progressing
with frightful rapidity toward the region
of eternal snow. He had a magnificen
bird's-eye view of the country, with the
Atlantic ocean on the one hand and the
Rocky Mountains on the other; but, JUS
as he reached the finest altitude for an OBJ
servation, he suddenly concluded to come
down. All the papers next day gave ar
account Of meteOric body that had beer
observed in the heavens Immediately over
the Fifteenth ward, and the astronomer il
the High School observatory was so Ger
tain that he had discovered a new GOMEZ
that he telegraphed the fact all over the
country. Strange to say, the roofer lit il
the very same chimney he had left SO
abruptly few minutes before, and went
through to the kitchen, where he burst out
on the hired girl and seized her by the
collar and asked her what she meant
She is still in fits from the shock Of the
fright, and Gumb's roof is not yet repair
ed-Mar 1deler