The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1873-06-04

BY MARK TWAIN

i got into the cars ana t0Ok n seat
in juxtapesition to a female The fe-
males face was perfect insurance
company for her-it insured her
against ever getting married except
to blind man. Her mouth looked
like a crack in a dried lemon, and
there was no more expression than
there IL in a cup of cold custard.
She appeared as if she had been
through one famine and got about
two-.hirds through another. She
was old enough to be a great-grand-
mother to Mary that had a little
lamb She was chewing prize pop
corn, and carried in her hand yel-
low rose, while bandbox and cot
ton umbrella nestled sweetly by her
side. couldn't guess whether she
was mission Of charity, or was GO
ing West to start sawmill. l was
full of curiosity to hear her speak, so
said:
The exigencies of the times re-
quire great eircumspection in a per-
son who IS travelling"
Saws she, WHAT
Says /, the orb Of day shines re-
splendent in the vault above
She hitched around uneasy ike,
then she raised her umbrella, and
said, Il don't want any of your sass
git out;' and | got out.
Then | took seat along a male
fellow, who loved to see the ghost Of
Hamlet heightened out. He was
stately euss, and he was reading.
Said /, Mister, did you ever see a
camel-leopard - | said camel-leopard
because it is pious animal, and new
er eats any grass without getting
down on its knees.
He said he hadn't seen a camel
leopard
Then, said /, "do YOU chew ~
He said. mo sir
ThenI said, "how sweets nature,'
He took this for o conundrum, and !
said he didn't know Then he said
he was deeply Interested in the his
tory of great man. Alas :" he
exclaimed, I'VE are but few
i told him / knew one the man
that made my cooking stove was
great man"
Then he asked. would / read ,"
SaysI, what YOU got ?r
He replied, Watts Hymns, ~
''Reveries by Moonlight" and How
to Spend the Sabbath
/ said, "nohe of them for Hannah y
but if he had an unabridged business
directory of New York city, | would
take little read.
Then he said, "young man look az
these gray hairs.
i told him saw them, and when q
man got as old as he was be ought to
dye. Said /. you needn't think
those hairs are any sign of wisdom,
It's only sign that your system lacks
iron, and / advise YOU 10 go home
and swallow q crowbar"
He took this for irony, and what
little entente cordiaIe there was be-
tween US was spilled. 1t turned out
that he was chaplain Of a base ball
club.
When we got to Rochester l call
ed for bowl of bean soup. Ii ought
to be called lead soup. l send you
the recipe for making it: Take a
lot of water, wash it well, aud broil it
until it is brown on both sides then
very carefully pour one bean into it
and let il simmer. When the bean be- |
gins to get restless, sweeten IT with
salt, then put it up into air-tighteans-
hitch each can to q brick, and chuck
them overheard and the soup is done"
The above recipe originated with
man in Iowa, who got up suppers on
odd occasions for Odd Fellows. He
has recipe for oyster soup, leaving
out the salt.
Speaking of Iowa reminds me of
the way got the money to pay for
my ticket and pay Tor that fellows
supper. / bet a fellow dollar that | 4
could tell him how much water to a
quart went under the railroad bridge
over the Mississippi at Dubuque in a
e year. He bet, and l said two pints
to quart / won the bet, but after
all that supper was an awful swindle.
If that city didn't settle faster than
its coffee did, its old settlers club
would be a failer, and the city, too.
Dubuqe is celebrated for its turn
out OF the streets. While l was there
a wagon upset and spilled a lot of
women. | didn't see i'll looked
the other way, No cards