Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1873-07-18
Fl UMOR

.-oo-oo1>oc-ooooo~>No
The practice Of subitituting ie for the
honest g in girls name SO charmingly com
mon these days, ought not to stop with that
class. Why should not the masculine have
share in it also ? What, for instance,
could be more delightful unique and sweet
ly pretty" than marriage notice after this
faihion Married, on the LIST instant, by
Rev. Eddie Jones, pastor Of st. Tommie
Church, Mr.. Billie Shocks to Miss Title,
youngest daughter Of Jimmie Sniffkins.
Three dirty little ragamufins entered
magnificent confectionery, and marching up
to the counter, one of them said: Il want
a cents worth of rock candy" ''Get out,
you ragamufin we don't sell cents
worth Of rock candy" Slowly and sadly
they filed out of the store. On the side
walk consultation took place. They re-
entered the door. "Mister, do you sell
three CENTS worth of rock candy 7" "Yes."
"Well, we amt got 'em,' and the process
sion moved out again.
A visitor was examining a class in aSun.
dry school recently, and asked the question.
"Why did Joseph detain Simeon in Egyp
until his brethren should return with Beuja-
min ?" A teacher endeavored to prompt one
of the boys, and whispered to him to answer
that she was detained as a hostage" TIE
boy, not catching the exact SOUND, starileo
the visitor by piping out, "Please, cir, he
was detained for postage !"
"You have lost your baby, | hear, said
one gentleman to another. ''Yes, loor lii
tie thing it was only. about five months
old. We did all We could for 1t. We hao
four doctors, blistered its head and feet, put
mustard poultices all over it, gave it lille
calomel powders, bathed its temples, and had
it bled, gave it all kinds Of medlcln s, and
vet after a weeks illness it died.
A Troy man advertises 'the largest as
sortment of boys pistols in the market. =
Inasmuch as the merchant has an under
takers shop on one side Of him and sur
geon's Office on the other, suspicion has been
aroused that the three have formed a sort Of
triumvirate partnership.
The Titusville pa )"Herald, (which has
been using cheap quality of "nigger toe
molasses" as printers ink, has returned to
the genuine article, and the paper looks bet
ter, but the children don't cry for it to chew,
as. they did once.
A Memphis girl was married the other
day, and Immediately seld her piano, bought
a sewing machine, and made her husband
suit of clothes and herself two calico dres-
ses, and now fourteen young men are seek
ing the hand Of her unmarried sister.
A certain New Hampshire weekly an
nounces the startling fact that There is a
rich editor in New Hampshire !! He has
gained his wealth by the strictest economy.
He always writes his editorials on a slate"
"Cannot something be done to prevent
young ladies being insulted on the streets
at night?" asks Cincinnati paper. There
can. Just have the girls mother tuck her
in her little bed about 8 o'clock in the even
ing and lock the door on her.
That was remarkable happy thought of
the Post.ofice Department which guards
against improper uses Of the new postal
cards. The carriers and directed not to read
what is written on the cards, unless 1t is
scurriNous !!
Young Gent-"Migbt ask you, miss
a" Miss. sorry, sir, but am
engaged for the next three dances" Y.
Cit is not dancipg-ah- it Isis
beg your pardon, miss, you are sitting on
my hat !"
An Illinois paper remarks that "Our
readers needn't try to get any points out of
our political editorials We put 'em in this
week bec,use cur patent medicine stereo-
types have been mislaid.'
With reference to Miss or Mrs. Emerson
who says she wrote the poem ''Betsy and l
are out'-the interesting fact is stated that
she was ''born of four generations of Bap-
.istministers."
Here is an order lately given by young
lady to her milliner "You must make il
(the bonnet) plain but at the same time
sweet. as sit in conspicuous place in
church."
A wicked man in Davenport, being on
his death bed, wished to consult some prop.
or person regarding his future state, and his
friend sent fire insurance agent to him.
A London paper, in recounting death
says S.: 'The deceased lady died suddenly,
without medical assistance, which came too
late" To die without medical assistance is
hardly complimentary.
"This engine won't work." said fireman
to the chief Of the fire department. "No
wonder" was the reply sit was made to
play"
Before marriage true lover often pre-.
sents his sweetheart with lock Of his hair.
After marriage she helps herself.
The divorce lawyers in Chicago were re-
Gently Mortified by the announcement of
silver wedding in that city.
Mrs. Gubbins says her husband is like a
tallow candle, because he always will smoke
when be is going out.
A Carlo pound keeper has resigned be.
cause the Common Council objected to his
writing Hon. before his name.
The name Of the man who sent the first
postal card is Legion.
What did 10 die of Iodide Of potassium.