The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1873-01-17
LIVELY

i The CourieF-JonEnal says the
average life of patent-Eight men,
after entering Kentucky. is only
thirty seven houre.
l. A Wheeling man is doing busi-
ness At the sign of ''Homeny, beens,
canned corn, canned tomstoes, buck
wheat fiour' rasons."
Donoyan, the California murder
err, goes to Jail for ono hundred
years-if he lives that long-instesd
of dancing an air polka. - 81.
A.black bear recently attempted
to hug Wisconsin maiden 70 death,
but she jabbed' him in the eye with
an umbrella, and he fled.
A guileless .Danbury man saw q
beautiful. chrome advertised "tor
tity cents" aud sent on. the money
and received the jack of clubs.
SIS that marble ?" aaid gentle
man, pointing to & bust of Ken
tuckS's great Statesman. mo, sir (;
that's Clay" quietly replied the
dealer.
"Never put off till tomorrow
what you can do to-day, dear Tom
| my" said mamma. ''Then lets I'm
ish up the pIcm-pudding tonight, F"
said the sweet child.
The Chicago Fire Relic M0nufac-
tory opened branch establishment
in Boston, where the old stock is
sold as relics of the recent conda-
grafton in the club"
The Terra Haute Gazette man was
once third cook on a canal boat.
The boys in the ofIice say its fun to
suddenly yell slow bridge" and see
him dive franticaIiy under his desk.
A rural paper in Pennsylvania, in
an ordinary notice Of Forrest, says ::
"She was never equalled in her time
by any tepischorean artist, though
Bonfanti and Betty Rigi were
formidable rivals in her later years.
The latest from Lawrence is that
a judge reproyed witness in the
following classically forcible man
| ner: young man, if you speak
that way again the court will forget
its dignity and punch you in the
snoot." ...-.-
An Illinois man is going to Cali
fornia in the spring in balloon, to
avoid the heat, dust and fare of rail-
road travel. He will bonnce over
the Rocky Mountains like o rubber
ball, and come down dead or smil-
ing on the slope.
Sophie Barney took the premium
at Montgomery, Ala, fair, as "the
young woman who would make Il e
best wife for a poor man." The
man who writes obituary poetry for
the Philadelphia Ledger Is Yale
graduate, and receives an income of
81 q week.
A Duluth editor says" stop the
press to inform our readers that,
from what we can learn, there has
heen suicide committed on Black
alley. unless the corpse shall prove
| to be the body of a drunken man."
Aud yet they say Minnesota has no
| editorial talent.
These are IN the refreshing Vest
ern style of personals: "Mr. Wag.
goner found fault with his beef at
the Memphis hotel, the other morn
ing, and the coroner made So on
him." 'sPeter Ink, an old citizen of
Knox county, Ohio, was blotted out
the other DAY, age75."
4 Cincinnati youth who persist
ed in visiting young lady in Louis
vile, we'll knowing the local preju-
dices between the two villages, wss
| -een o few days since in Q doctors
Office enquiring what piece Of conrt
plaster eight inches by twelve would
cost and how much Skin grating"
cost by the square yard. =
The. Danbury News says: "The
remarks relatives aud friends who
attend a funeral make upon the
merits of the merits of the deceas-
ed, are frequently instructive. At
the funeral OF an aged resident of
Slaw sons, Sunday, neighbor feel
ingly observed that the departed
"wouldn,t rare and cuss about taxes
any more" s-...
Geo. T. Train, it appears, was Ia
boring under mistake for more
| thon q year. He thought he was on
"the road to the White House" ali
the while, but instead of that he
was on the road to jail. And he IL
more at home there than he would
be in the White House. We are in
favor of a ten term principle being
applied to Georges case.
Leavenworth mandatory re.
cent "cIossd for. repairs" and the
report went abroad that the estab-
lishment had busted. This wouldn't
do. So they put q tanning mill In
the front part OF the shop, and they
got a man 80 turn that tanning mill
from morning till night, and the
noise of that tanning mill sounded
so much like business as to keep the
dreaded creditors from the door.
During q theatrical excitement in
Boston, the coachman who drove
the PRIMO donna from tho steam
boat to the Revere House thus ridi-
his "fellow citizens" were exhibit
hotel he cried, "Hers'sthe hand that
once lifted Jenny Lind out of the
coach. GentIemen, you can any of
you have the privilege Of kissing It
for five dollars-ehildren half price. I"
| Those Detroit boys! Here is their
latest: care you going to move
this afternoons" eBqnired q boy of
the mistress of house on Sixth
street, s"NO, of course ! amt" re-
piled the woman, considerably SUR
prised. ''I1l bet you two dollars
you will-the roof Of the house is
all ablaZep crled the boy. So IL
J. was but pedestrians, ladders and
water put It out. The man of the
house says he would give $50 to be
shut up with thst boy for about ten
minutes.
The young man who has an ambi-
ton to make agreat noise IN the
4 world should learn boiler-makinG.
4 HB can MAKE more noiGe at that
!, trade than anything else he can en-
gage In. If he believes q man
should "strike for wages, J" he should
learn backsCnithing-especially II be
|. is coed ct ''bloWing." II ha 1VOuld
q embrace. q profession in which he
would rise rapidly, he should be.
come an arcnaut. : He couldn't tiud
anything bstteF "foF high.s
+ seWhat do you call that p indig-
uantty asked Q customer at . cheap
} restaurant, pointing to an object
|. OF hash. Hristband; with sleeve.
{ 4Jattou atssched, sir, )" said the wsiter
) briskly.ls :. SFeIIg do yon consider
I that q proper thing for man TO 6Bd
! in his hasii 2" Gsked the Customer In
/ wrath. '4Good heavens, siri" cried
|, the waiter, 'sNOalA you expect TO
1 J and a tan dokiar sill Emheella tn 8
J. dfsen co, 4llsse of beeh ,ssss esy