The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1873-07-01
VALUABLE HINTS.
Saratoga Made Easy-How 10 be
Happy at Home.

Like reasonable reformers, we recogN
nize the fact that the majority OF sum
mer travellers enter upon their voyaging
for no other reason save that it is likely
to prove costly, crowded, dusty, disa'
greeable and fashionable. Accepting
this, we propose plan whereby the
public on pleasure bent and OF a frugal
mind may have its Saratoga served at
the door with it's daily bread and matu'
tiDal milk, and have fully as much din
and discontinue for it's dollars with q
larger residue of dimes in the way of
small change. In brief, we propose
the organization Of q company for the
Preparation and Punctual Delivery Of
Summer Society at the Residences of
Subscribers.
The maodus opcranai will suggest it,
self to the intelligent. Shutting up his
front blinds and posting his P, P. C.'s,
the victim will direct the company to
leave at his residence for July and
August Saratoga or Long Branch for
one, two or more. It will only then re-
main for the agents Of the association
to see superadded to the transactions Of
daily life those expensive and ingenl-
GUS drawbacks and discomforts which
seem to constitute the only apparent at
fractions OF summer travel.
Thus, for ordinary railway transpor-
tation, might be substituted certain
number OF hours confinement in box
of the Regulus pattern, to be rolled up
and down the stairs, into which at fixed
intervals should be pulled smoke and
dust, while speaking tubes should fill II
with constant and discordant cries OF
Peanuts" Prize Candy and
"Papers! After a sufficient treat
ment the victims should be torn violent
ly cut Of their cages, amid yells OF
Hack" buffeted and entreated shame.
fully, asked hautily to register, and
then consigned to the highest dungeon
over the hotel kitchen. An extra re-
fnement would be the employment OF
the victims wife's dearest friends to cut
her, and express their undisguised Won
der what on earth the Simpkinses were
doing at Saratoga.
To counterfeit hotel life, a tribe OF
colored walters should be hired to brush
the coats OF the victims to napless
nicely, at fifty cents each. Others should
at similar rates, pour libations Of soup
and champagne over the victims per-
sons or wardrobes, while troops Of mu'
sicians should bang and bay under the
bedroom windows OF such OF them az
like the crack troops in Her Brttanic
Mgesty's service-"don't dance.
Where the height Of fashion is desired
it would be de rigueur to arrange mar
riage between bogus French Count
and the victims eldest daughter.
For recreations, q ride in dust cart,
deep potatioas OF soap suds, or bath
in one ofthe public fountains might be
provided. Were rural retreat prefer.
red, passive but pro'ane acquiesCence
in mustard blister by night and active
exertions on the rocks by day, in pur-
suit of the fleet and fragrant 60 at,
would be found about the thing.
These suggestions are necessarily in
complete, and the readers experience
and invention must be left to fill out
their outlines. We are confident, how
ever, that the experiment would prove
a success, and that the traveller essay
ing it would find that there was no
earthly necessity to seek the waters OF
Israel at Long Branch when he could
have such rivers as Damascus laid on
at his own door World.