Nashville union and American. [volume] (Nashville, Tenn.) 1868-1875, 1873-05-07
Putting Up a Stove.

Putting up a stove is not so difficult in
ITSELF 1t is tho pipe that raises four-ffths
of the mischief and ali the dust. You may
take down stove with all the care in the
world, and have your wife put away the
pipe in secure place, and yet that pipe
won't come together again as it was before
You find this out when you are standing
on a chair with your arms full Of pipe and
your mouth full of SCOT. Your wife is
standing on the floor in position that en-
ables her to see you, the pipe, and the chair,
and here she gives utterance to those re-
marks that are calculated TO hasten man
into the extremes of insanity. Her dress
is pinned over her waist, and her hands rest
on her hips. She has got one of your hats
on her head and your linen coat on her
back, and pair of yorr rubbers on her
feet. There is about five cents worth of
pot black on her nose, and lot of -four on
her chin, and altogether she is a spectacle
that would inspire dead man with DIS
trust. And while you are up there trying
to circumvent the awful contrariness of the
pipe, and telling that you:know some fool
has been mixing it, she stands safely on the
floor, and bombards you with such do
nestle notices as: "What's the use
of swearing SOP" sSYou know no one has
touched that pipe" 'You amt got any
more patience than child" "DO be care
full of that chair" And then she goes off
ard reappears with an armful of mere pipe
and before you are aware of it she has got
that pipe so horribly mixed up that it does
seem 10 two pieces are alike. You join
the ends, and work them to and fro, and
take them apart again and look at them.
Then you spread one out and jam the other
together, and mount them once more. But
it is no go. You begin to think the pieces
are inspired with life, and ache to kick them
through the window. But she doesn't lose
her patience. She goes around with that
awfully exasperating rigging on, with a
length of pipe under each arm, and long
handled broom in her hand, and says
she don't see how it is some
people never have any trouble
in putting up q stove. Then you
miss the hammer. You don't see it any
where. You stare into the pipe d along
the mantle, and down on the stove, and off
to the floor. Your wife watches you in
tently, and is fiually thoughtful enough to
enquire what you are looking after, and on
learning, pulls the article from her
pocket. Then you feel as if you could go
out doors and swear q hole twelve feet
square through block of brick buildings,
but she merely observes: "Why on earth
don't you speak when you want anything,
and not stare around like "a dummy" When
that part of the pipe which goes through
the wall is up, she keeps it up with her
broom while you are making the connec-
ton, and stares at it with an intensity that
is entirely uncalIed for. All the
while, your position is becoming more
and more interesting. The
pipe don't go together, of course. The SCOT
Shakes down Tito your eyes and mouth, the
sweat rolls down your face and tickles your
chin as it drops off, and it seems as if your
arms are slowly but surely drawing out of
their sockets. Here your wife comes to
tie rescue by inquiring if you are going to
be all day doing nothing, and if you think
her arms are made of cast iron, and then
the broom slips off the pipe, and in her en-
deayor to recover her hold she jabs you IN
der the chin with the handle, and the pipe
comes down on your head with its load of
fried SCOT, and then the chair Tits forward
enough to discharge your feet, and yeu
come down on the wrong end of that chair
with force that would bankrupt pile
driver. Yok don't touch that stove again.
-DdnbYy NeIcS.