The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-05-02
HUMOROUS.

HUMOROUS.
When is dog like a fixed doctrine
, When it is dogma.
What part of church is canni
balls favorite? The belle fry.
When does a man feel girlish
When he makes his maiden-speech.
The worst kind of education-To
be brought up by policeman.
The way to treat the Modocs-Shell
'em and make Ingin meal of 'em.
If you are courting a girl, stick to
it; no matter how large her fathers
feet are.
In what case is it absolutely impos-
sible to be slow and sure? In the case
of watch.
Aged people are fond of telling sto-
ries; may they be said to have arrived
at their anecdotage?
If man gets red when he is mad
all over, does dyer get redder when
he is all over madder?
If Portuguese girls want husbands,
it seems to us that they ought to marry
Michiganders.
"A girl who marries well is said TO
make lucky hit, though she is herself
said to be lucky miss.
GA prudent man" says a witty
| Frenchman, sis like pin his head
prevents him from going too far"
Why are horses in cold weather
| like meddlesome gossips? Because they
are bearers of i'd lie tales.
Josh Billings says "After all
don't know az thare IL eny thing thaS
pays better than being a natral phool.
g. What an ass the fellow must have
been who made a donkey-engine and ex-
pected to get horsepower out of it.
In Glasgow and on the Clyde, &C
eording to recent advices, the demand
for coal was greater than the supply.
-Four iron companies in the north
of England district have each more
than $50 pudding furnaces, and three
have from 100 to 130 each.
Only one nickel mine is now work
ed in the United States. 1t is in Penn
sylvania, and yields SIX hundred tons
per month.
The demand for handmade lace
has improved in Europe, and the skill
ed lace-makers of France are busily EN-.
ployed
One of the hardest trials of life is
to shed tears at the news that your
wife's uncle has died and left her thirty
thousand dollars
New York brides throw a bouquet
at the groom as the ceremony conclu,tes
After a week or two she finds the coffee
pot better weapon.
"A Western editor triumphantly ex-
claims: "Man shall not live by bread
alone," and then acknowledges the re-
ceipt of jug of cold Bourboh."
We understand that the late Empe
ror Napoleon is added to Ma lame Tus.
saud's exhibition. Once his fame was
on the wane, now it is clearly on the !
wax.
"A servant girl transformed a quiet |
home into a babel, aud lost good place, |
by merely straining four quarts of crab |
apple jelly through an eighteen dollar
veil.
On one of the gentlemen in Con-
gress saying: "We must return to the |
food of our ancestors" somebody ask !
ed: What food does he mean /? |
Thistles, Isuppose, said Tierney.
Mark Twain says that in the towns |
the Sandwich Islanders wear something |
like civilized garments, but in the up |
country they wear-well n smile, or a |
pair of spectacles or something of that |
sort.
An exchange has an acquaintance
who remarks that he has often heard
the proverb, ga friend in need is a
friend indeed" but he says he can't see
where the laugh comes in. He has
friend in need who is always borrowing
money of him.
An Irish physician was called to
examine the corpse of another Irishman,
who had been assassinated by some OF
his countrymen. "This person." said
he, after inspecting the body, twas so
i'll that if he had not been murdered he
would have died half an hour before.
-"How far does sound travel ?"
"The sound of q dinner horn, for in
stance, travels half a mile in second,
while an invitation tew get up in the
morning have known to be three quar-
ters of an hour goin' up two pair OF
stairs and then not hev strength enough
left to be heard"
The wasp with yellow hustle is no
insignificant agent in dispensing a crowd,
but nervous woman making through
a crowd for the cars with a valise in one
hand and an umbrella in the other is
about as appalling an object as the hu-
man mind can conceive and hold its bal
ance.
-"Why do all true BostOnians gra-
vitate naturally toward Unitarians p
asked one clergyman of another, lately. |
by way of solemn conundrum, "Why,"
was the answer, :" because having been
born in Boston they can not conceive it
to be born again.
Remember that raw egg will clear
your throat of fish bones. Put one in
a little hot wine, and some sugar, and
the fsh-bones will slip down all the
easier. p s. You can take the egg,
wine and sugar anyhow. They're good
as preventive and yoa don't know at
what moment you may get a fish-bone
in your throat.
"A celebrated singer, Madame LIE
Rochois, was giving younger eompan-
ion in art some instructions in the ira
gic character of "Medea," which she
was about to sustain. 'Inspire your
self with the situation, said she; "fancy
yourself in the poor womsn's place. If
you were deserted by lover whom you
adored, what would you do?" The re-
ply was as unexpected as it was inge-
nious: "I should look out for another"
Mr.. David Thomas, venerable
resident of Catasaqua, pennsylvania,
was in 1889, the first to smelt iron ores
with anthracite coal, and
has lived to see two-thirds of all the
iron in the United States made by the