Gold Hill daily news. [volume] (Gold Hill, N.T. [Nev.]) 1863-1882, 1873-09-18
How to Tell Shoddy,
By ELL PERKISS.
n

BY Kill fEkklNS.
A voice" But how can you tell
.shoddy' people, Mr.. Perkins.'
This way. my friends. When a
strange family arrives at our hotel you
must watch them closely. Divinity
puts up certain infallibie signs to dis
tinguish the illiterate and vulgar from
the children OF culture aud virtue.
I. Ifthe lady comes into the parlor
with diamond ring on the outside OF
her glove. 1t Is safe to ask her how
much she gets week. l''Hear, hear"
and several ladies put their hands un-
der their paniers.l
.. II Providence erects a dyed mus.
tache over the mouth OF the man, 1t Is
to show that he Is gambler or vul-
garisn. Cheers. when two Americus
Club men, gambler, ard four Plug
Uglies from Baltimore, put their hands
over their mustaches.l
;. II, when that new family enter
or leave room, the gentlemen rush
ahead. leaving the ladies TO follow,
there Is something 'shoddy' some-
where. ~
4. IL the man presents the ladies to
the gentlemen, instead Of vice versa,
and they all shake hands on n first
presentation, then you may know they
hall from Oil City.
8. II, when they go into dinner, they
do nothing but loudly order the wait
ers around, Gnd talk about the wine,
you can make up your mind that they
are the first walters they have ever had
and the first wine they ever drank. IL
they pick their teeth at the table, or
take out their false teeth and rinse
them in the tumbler, Ia voice, "Shoot
'em on the spot ")-yes, my friends, |
say that to their teeth.
6. II, when the gentleman sits in the
parlor talking to a lady, he don't sit
up straight, but sprawls all over the
sofa, puts the soles Of his boots on the
lady's dress. on the furniture, or wipes
his shoes OH his own white liuen panta-
looms, you'd better refuse an introduc-
tion to him. (Applause, when eight
young fellows who sat with their legs
radiating like the wings of wind
mill, or Sprawling one foot cross-leg-
gsd In the empty air, whirled them
selves right side up.l
Z. II the ladies In that party white
wash their faces, redden their lips,
black their eyebrows, or bronze or
yellow their hair, just you think this
Is another sign which Providence puts
up so you can shun them. Enamel
and dyed hair are social beacon lights
to enable you to keep oil the rocks Of
Cypria. Just you keep away from
such people. for they are wolves in
sleeps clothing.
Voice from young lady" But we
want to look beautiful. Mr.. Perkins"
But this will not make you beautiful,
my children. Any sweetheart who Is
so shallow rs to take whitewash for
the human skin, or rouge for the rose
cheeks Of nature, is too much Of sap
head to make good husband, aud II
he Is smart enough to see through your
deception. why he will surely leave
you In disgust. tApplause by the gem
tlemen, while several ladies wiped
their faces with their pocket handker-
chiefs.)
s. II, when this family get into
their carriage to ride to the lake. the
young ladies appear Ia gaudy colors,
throw over their laps bright yellow
and red or blue afghan, and the coach
man wears a gold hat band and
sprawl-talled yellow livery, with col
lar, and holds brass-bespangled horses
by white reins, you may know that
the owner keeps livery stable. and
that this Is his first carriage. Voice.
"Hit 'em again. Eli.w No, my
friend3 I've said ont