Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1873-05-21
Reside.
BY MAX ADELER.

| There can be no doubt that Reside had
| genius, but it was of an impracticable
kind. When [ knew him he devoted all
| his time and labor to invention, and he
| constantly was turning out amazing ma
chimes which never did anything when
| they were turned out.
| Down at the Patent-off1ce they got so at
| last that when new model and specifica-
tons would come along from Reside, the
| Commissioner and clerks would grant him
patent on the spot for they knew from
| rich and generous experience, that when
| Reside invented anything, it was perfect
| ly certain to be unlike any other contri
vance ever conceived by the mind of fallen
man; and they were aware, at any rate,
| that nobody who was sane enough to be at
large would ever want to interfere with
| Resides exclusive right to pin together
| such a bewildering and useless lot of
cranks and aXles and wheels. [ think Rec
| side had about two hundred patents of
| various kinds; and besides the machines
and lodges thus protected by the law, he
owned scores of others which were never
heard OF in Washington or anywhere else
but Resides home.
| They were always getting him into trou-
BILE. That burglar annihilator'' of his,
for instance, filled him with gloom and re-
morse for years. Several houses in his
neighborhood had been robbed and Rec
side make up his mind to checkmate any
attempt to rifle his residence. So he bought
| half dozen old musketbarrels and few
sections of gas-pipe, and rugged them up
| inside of his front door, with the muzzles
pointing toward the street. Then he load
ed the affair with ball cartridge, and in
vented some kind of mysterious secret
| trigger, which was fixed to the door-knob,
SO that whoever tried to enter would meet
with certain death. He set the 'annihila-
| tori one night and by the next morning
he forgot exactly how the secret trigger
was arranged, SO he was afraid to venture
near the machine and the family were
compelled to go out and in through the
kitchen. ...a.
| The "annihilatorn remained there two
weeks, and during that time the house
was entered eight times by burglars, who
roamed recklessly through the chambers,
waxed fat in the pantry, held receptions
in the parlor, disported themselves gaily
upon the stairs, and had bacchanalian
revels in the dining-room, without going
near the front door once. And when Rec
| side had become nearly insane with fury at
these riotous festivities, his aunt called
one day, and making too boisterous a
| ucuOuSGldl1OI DIT tuo lOOI-kuOU, tOuCutu
off the "annihilatOr, " and was carried up
stairs insensible, with four pounds of bull
| lets in her venerable legs She walks vet
on a pair of Resides patent crutches
He never succeeded with these things
| That patent roof of his was bad failure
The shingles leaked, and so he covered
them with concrete to the depth of three
or four inches. In winter time it was
elegant; but when the hot weather came,
the stuff softened, and the neighbors used
to stop to look at the thousands Of long
black strings of tar which dripped from
the caves to the ground. And early in
the summer Reside and his wife began
to be annoyed by the animated discus
sions of cats in the neighborhood The
more he "shooed" them and flung his
boots at them, the more fierce and awful
were their yells. Night after night it
continued to grow more terrific, and day
after day Mr.. Reside observed that
the mysterious caterwauling continued
through the daylight.
At last, one moonlight night, the uproar
became so outrageous that Reside arose
from his bed and determined to ascertain
precisely the cause of the disturbance. 1t
appeared to him that the noise came from
the top of the house. He went up to the
|
door. There he found one hundred and
ninety six cats stuck fast knee-deep in the
concrete. Some of them had been there
eleven days; and when they perceived
| Reside, the whole one hundred and nine
ty-six doubled up their spines, ruff1ed their
back hair, brandished their tails and gave
one wild, unearthly scream, which shock
| ed Resides nerves so much that he
dropped the trap-door, and fell down the
ladder upon the head of Mrs. Reside who,
courageous and devoted woman that she
was, was standing below dressed in a
thing with frill on it, and armed with a
palm-leaf fan and a bed-slat, resolutely
determining that nothing should harm
Horatio while she was by.