The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1873-06-20

When Is Cnarity like bee! When II
begins to hum.
A bear In New Jersey has been
called on to take out a license; it is al
ways bruin.
Isn't 1t inconsistent to speak of the
''dpple of your eye" when everybody
knows they're a pair
Another Congressman--from Ala
bama this time-had handed over his
back pay-tO his wife.
The West Is a great country. A
Minnesota farmer lost a gimlet three
years ago. The other day he cut down
tree near his barn, and found in it a
three-quarter inch auger.
The latest verdict recorded was upon
q gentleman who expired In a fit of
inebriation. The jury returned:
Death by hanging-round grog-
shop"
A New Hampshire farmer scouts
the idea of taking a newspaper at two
whole dollars a year. and posts a
notice on the schoolhouse that "3
hoggs hev strade or bin stoOled" from
him.
''Calf's Head, " remarked the waiter,
quite innocent of any equivocal intent,
but when asked what the calf said, he
very unreasOnably took umbrage, and
declined further conversation,
A Seneca Fall man who died the
other day left a will saying: 'To that
old liar and tattler, Tire widow Jonss, l
bequeath two cents" Didn't she hop,
though !
That was an unhappy editor who
wrote that "white pique costumes are
now popular" and was gravely inform
ed by the proof next morning that
''white pine coffins are not popular. "
A serious charge has been brought
against a school teacher in Illinois,
the specifications of which are: 81.
immortality! 2. Parshality! 3. Keep
ing disOrdIy schoal! A. Carrying un-
laffe wepings!" The committeeman
who wrote the charge thinks Of run
ming the school himself next quarter.
"Now, Willie. DEAR" says Fanny,
do have a little courage: when I have
q powder TO take, don't like 1t any
more than you do. but make up my
mind that will take It, and do"
''And when | have . powder to
take, " replied Willie, II make up my
mind that l tOO1't."
do you like chickeHs9" asked q re-
markably modest Nashville youth Of
his sweetness, as he was walking
about two feet from her on his way to
church Sunday night. Certainly |
do, she replied; ''why do you ask
such q question as that9' because |
thought If you liked chickens, you
would't object to taking wing" and
he crooked his arm in an irresistible
manner. Sweetness took a wing.
The Detroit Free Press says: "A
farmer went out of a store in that city
the other day leaving his dog behind,
and the clerks got an oyster can and a
string and thought they would have q
little fun. The dog sInelt snuff, and
after taking q muttsn chop ont Of one
young mans leg. went through a ten
dollar pane Ofglass with extraordinary
facility. The clerks figure: -Four
clerks into ten dollars worth of glass
twenty shillings each.'"
A French gentleman, learning Eng
lish to some purpose, replied thus to
the salutatiOns:
''How do you do, monsieur"
s'D0 vat?"
"How do you find YOURSELF"
II never loses myself"
"How do you feel?"
"SmoOth you just feel me-"
Good morning, monsieur"
Good! No. it's bad one; it's vet
Ind nasty
"Mr. Speaker" exclaimed a menu
Der of the Arkansas Legislature, "my |
colleague taunts me with a desire for
anne. | scorn the iInputation, sir.
fame, sir! What is fameY 1t is Il shaved
Zig with a CREASED tail, which slips
through the hands of thousands, and
hen Is accidentally caught by some
ncky fellow that happens to hold on
0 it. let this greascd-tailed quad
uped 60 by me without an effort to
lntch It, sir!"
A few days since the grand jury
gnOred a bill against a negro for steal
ng chickens. Before discIarging him
rom custody, the judge babe him
tand up and, after a severe reprimand,
Oncludcd rs follows: ff
"YOn may 60 now, John: but (shak-
ng his finger at himl let me warn you
ever to appear here again."
John, with delight beaming from
Is big white eyes, and broad grin
row OfivOry, replied:
~ wouIdh Z bin here dis time. Judge,
My de constable fOtch me!"
A girl in Iowa, without legs, has |,
laTried . man without arms, and
Tle local papers sAp thew get along