The weekly Oskaloosa herald. [volume] (Oskaloosa, Iowa) 1855-1885, 1873-03-27
NEWLY MARRIED MEN--WHAT THEY
HAVE TO COME TO.

First. Just married; destined to
linger in clover, new -mown hay, and
such heritage, from nine to twelve
months. Then
Second. Some black, rascally
stormy night you are turned out in.
to streets and ponds or mill races, OF
amid snow eighteen inches deep and
drifting like blazes, and told to run
for the doctor. When you get home
again, eight chances in ten, a little
red flannel looking thing, about the
size of a merino potato, awaits you.
They will call it baby; and packed
up with it. you will find the first real
squalls of married lite-you can bet
on that.
Third. Paregoric, and soothing
syrup and catnip tea, and long fan
nels, and diaper stuff, and baby-col.
ic; they will come along too; in
fact, they will become just as much
at home in the house as dinner
Then
Fourth. One of these nights in
1.-The wee sma' hours ayont the twal,'
YOU will tnrn out again. Barefoot,
an icy disconsolate sense of damp
ness all about you, only cottor
shirt or such a matter between you
and the distressed openness Of cane
seat chair, you will distractedly rock
that baby back and forth, and bob il
up and down, singing, meanwhile,
with a voice like wild OK in a
slaughter yard:
Rock o'bye, baby, on q tree-top,"
or some such melody. And all the
time that baby yells. Oh! does MT
he yell while Mary Ann, up to her
nose under the warm bed covers, to
help out, every now and then ilnpa-
tiently puts in, just at the wrong
place: "Why' don't you trot him
faster, Samuel ?"
And you ot him-oh, how you
do trot him! If you only could trot
his wind out so far that he never
could get any of it back again, or
break his back, or neck, or some
thing, you would be UNNECESSARILY
happy. But no. The little innocent
seems tougher than an India.rubter
car spring.
Just as you are about giving up,
concluding that you MUST freeze,
that there will certainly have to be a
funeral in the house inside of thirty
Six hours, baby willis from sheer ex-
haustion, and then, with teeth chat
tering like a Mccormack reaper, you
crawl in by Mary Ann, and try to
sleep again.
Fifth. Gradually you glide away
into tangled maze Of ice, chamo-
mile, more ice, skating weather,
steam .wbistle.voiced babies, jockey
club, sleigh-rides, crinoline immense
as the old bell at Moscow, Indian
ambuscades, snow-storms, and forty
other equally cheerful things, sud.
denly
Sixth. A snort, o thrash, and
wild throwing upward of lutte arms
and legs, and then, keen and shrill,
comes that terrible "ah-waah ali
w-a-a,a-h!" again. l guess you
wake up, don't you?
"Get the paregoric and teaspoon
quick !" says Mary Ann, in a sharp,
staccato tone, and don't you get it?
In Just three eighths of second
you are Grecian bend out there on
the cold floor, dropping paregoric in
a teaspoon.
Hurry! Gracious little Peter de-
scribing diabolical curves with all
the arms and legs he's got, and
screaming one hundred pounds to
the square inch, and Mary Ann rear
ing around there .in bed making a
rocking chair of her back, and yell
ing "by, by o." like wild Conan
che on the war-path. Oh, no; cir
cumstances are not such as to make
you hurry any.
And then to thiuk that as days
and perhaps years roll on, there has
got to be more and more yet of just
such distressed work.
Nice, amt. it?