Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1873-08-13
PHUNNYGRAMS.
What word is never pronounced RICH

What word is never pronounced right?
Wrong.
Since the postal cards were introduced
the postmistresses are not getting an
average of more than three hours sleep a
day.
An old lady hearing somebody say
that the mails were very irregular, said :
It was just so in my young days-no
trusting on em."
Ct am not myself at all, today"
said bore to wit s'No matter" was
the reply; whatever else you may be,
you're the gamer by the change"
1t was we'll said by witty gunmaker
ramrod, they have, on the other hand,
proved great advantage to the Nimrod
"A Danbury man who has lost his
wife gave local poet a nice mess Of cells
for embalming her in verse. The poetry
is written in red ink, and has neat Dor
der in blue, and altogether forms an in
genious device for softening grief Be-
sides, he doesn't care for cells himself
-Path-ology.-There once resided in
Ayrshire man who, like Leman, pro-
posed to write an Psychological Diction-
airy of the English language. Being ask
ed what he understood the word patholo-
gy to mean, he answered with great read
mess and confidence, "Why, the art Of
road-nahS1ag to be sure"
"A Utica man, whose wife has been i'll
for some time, came down one day with a
face longer than the revised charter A
friend who met him, grasped him by the
hand in fearful sympathy and murmured:
I" Oh, when did she die?' " Oh, thunder"
was the solemn reply; she amt dead;
she's cleaning the house"
What is the world coming to, when
even the babies exhibit such alarming
precocity as did a little seven year old
charmer in Brattleboro', who, the
other day, sent her beau love-letter
couched in the following apt and possibly
familiar words: "They that seek me
early shall find me-"
If the people of Danbury amt queer,
they are certainly eccentric, for when the
Danbury Neaos man advertised for a lot
of "type-setters'' the folks thought they
were new breed of dogs, and passed a
law that they should be muzzled. This
is the most outrageous attempt to muzzle
the press on record.-"John," TN ". Y.
Sun.
Now that watermelon rinds are be-
coming plenty, it is no uncommon thing
to see an elderly man paving the air with
blue cotton umbrella to save himself
from falling, and finally going down with
violence that throws rusty beaver half
way across the street, and fills the air
with store receipts, mortgages, tax lists,
protested notes and a yellow silk hand
kerchief.
"A man in Portland married widow.
She had fashion, which is too common
among ladies who have buried man, of
giving him glowing accounts of the an
gelic virtues Of the departed. AS a pro-
hibition law is in force down in Maine,
he could not drown his sorrows in liquor,
so he nerved his soul to a terrible revenge.
One light, when his wife was sleeping
soundly, perhaps dreaming Of the first
victim Of her charms, he arose from his
bed, took sledge-hammer, and deliber-
ately raising it to his shoulders, he march
ed to the graveyard, and smashed the
tombstone Of his dead rival into little bits.
Now, when his wife says anything about
the virtues OF the dead man, he replies,
ut may be all very true, old gal; but he
can't smash my tombstone. There's where
Pm ahead"
The 115 National Banks in Illinois,
report specie on hand; $72, $4,000; loans
and discounts, $19,176,572; deposits, $l6,-
094, 710.96; capital stock, 81, 313,000; un-
divided profits, ST. 195,710.56.