The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1873-05-06
A glrurrIe WIN a Stove Pipe.

Putting up q stove Is not SO difficult In
ITSELF Il Is the pipe that raises four'ltths
Of the mischief and all the dust. You
may take down q stove with all the care
10 the world, and yet that pipe won't come
together again as It was before. You ind
this out when you arc standlngOn chair
with your arms full Of pipe and your
mouth fall Of SCOT. Your vile Is standing
on the floor in q position that enables her
to see you, the pipe and the chair, and
here she gives ulterancU 10 these remarks
that ate calculated to hasten man into
the extremes Of insanity. Her dress Is
pinned over her waist, and her hands rest
on her Ships. She has got one Of your
hats on her. head, and your linon coat on
her back, and q pair OF rubbers on her
feet There is about FIVE cents worth Of
pot black on her nose, and lot Of -four
on her chin, and altogether she Is spec
tAcle that would inspire dead man with
dislrust. And while you are up there
trying to clrcumvent the awful contrari-
ness Of the pipe and telling that you know
some fool has been mixing it. she stands
safely on the floor and bombards you
with such domestic notices as whats
the use Of swearing So" "You know no
one has touched that pipe" "You ain't
got any moro patience than child" "DO
be careful Of that char" And then she
goes of and reappears with an armful
more Of pipe, and before you are aware OF
1t she has got that pipe so horribly mixed
up thatit does seem no two pieces arc
alike.
You Join the ends, and work them to
and fro, and 10 and fro sgaIn, aud then
you take them apart and look At them.
Then you spread one out and jam the
other together, aud mount them once
more. But It 10 no 90. You begin 70
think the pieces are inspired with lie,
and sche to kick them through the win
dow. But she doesn't lose her patience.
She goes aronud with that awlully exas.
perating rigging on, with alength Of pipe
under each arm and q long handled broom
in her hand, and says she don't see how
II is some people never have any trouble
putting upR stove. Then you miss the
hammer. You don't see It anywhere.
You stare into the pipe along the mantel,
and down on the. stove, and Of TO the
floor. Your wife watches you, and is
finally thoughtful enough 70 inquire what
you are looking after, and on learning,
pulls the article from her pocket. Then
you feel as il you could go out doors and
swear hole Twelve leeI square through
block OF brick buildings, but she merely
observes: "Why on earth don't you
speak when you want anything, and not
STARE around like dummy" When that
part Of the pipe which goes through the
wall Is up, she keeps itup with the broom
while you are making the connection, and
stares at II with an intensity that is Gu
tirely uncalled for. All The while your
nosIIion Is becoming mole bud more In
leresuDg. The pipe don't 81 together,
OF course. Tho SCOT shakes dOSn into
your eyes and mouth, the swest rolls
down your fec ard Iirs'Is yGnf chin as
It drops oil, and il seCiLs IS II your Srms
are slowly but surely drawing out Of
their sockets.
Here your wife comes 10 the rescue by
inQuiriDg II you are going 10 b. all day
doing nothing, and il you think her arns
are made Of cast iron; and then the
broom slips of the pipe, and in her en-.
deayOr TO recover her hold she jabs you
under the chin with the handle, and the
pipe comes down on your head with It's
load Of fried SCOT, aud then the chair
tits forward enough 10 discharge your
feet, and you come down on the wrong
end OF that chair with force that would
bankrupt pile driver. You don't touch
that stove again. You leave your wife
examining the chair and bemOaning ils
injuries; and 60 into the kitchen and
wash your skinned and bleeding hands
with yellow soap. Then you so down
street after man to do the business, and
your wife goes over to the neighbours
with her chair, and tells them about It's
injuries, and drains the neighborhoOd dry
Of its sympathy long before you get
Net6S,