The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1873-06-14
VARIETY.


If you let the cat out Of the bag never try to
cram It back again it only makes matters worse
A cIumsiIy drawn ordinance makes any man
who shaves himself, in Des Moines, Iowa, on
Sunday, liable 70 a fine OF S..
The man who thought he could do business
without advertising has been compelled to give in
His FIRST advertisement was headed - Sherif's
Sale"
A lad in Hartford. whose fifth birthday oc-
CURED recently, asked his parents If the school
would keep that day, adding, 80 they didn't
on Washington's birthday"
- Who dat hit me?" s.Where's dat Ian
term" were the exeamations of an astonshed
Elmira daTkey after being thrown something like
an hundred feet by a locomotive.
HALF BoAsTEGLY.-An Iowa paper half boast
ingly says that it starts ON its sixth year with
some subscribers who commenced with the first
number, and have never paid u cent.
y curious discipline is enforced at revival meet
ings, where the reverend preachers notify to the
speakers in the beginning " If any man attempts
to make long speech, be will be sung down on
the spot"
BUsTLEs.-The Tennyson of Indiana is respon-
sible for the following pOetical contribution
Young spare that hustle,
That Wom4n's had an awful tu.sle
To get herself into shape
An unfortunate Kentucky editor thus addresses
his delinquent subscribers: - Friends. we are
penniless. Jobs turkey was a millionaire com
pared with our present depressed treasury To-
day If salt was two cents barrel, we could not
buy enough to pickle a jay-bird.'
retired sea captain, who had made the tour
of continental Europe and the Holy Land was
asked how he was impressed by his visit to Jeru-
salem - Jerusalem, y said he - is the meanest
place L ever visited There is not a drop of
liquor in the whole town fit to drink
1t is related Of Mark Twain that a few months
after his first baby was born, he was holding it
on his knee His wife said, - Now confess |
Samuel, that you love the child" "I can t do /
that" replied the humorist, - but am willing to
admit that respect the little thing for its fathers
sake
Wise sayings Of great men are very interesting 4
reading, and the remark of the Mississippi Judge /
will be handed down among the sayings of emf |
nent persons. Said he, splitting out a quid of /
tobacco, and taking u fresh one 81 haven't /
been Judging a great while, but l think can
snatch justice baldheaded.'
An inquirer after scientific information recently
asked a Concord apothecary: - What is this
new disease-this Cerro-GOrdo-fnal AIacginnis
the papers say much abOut?" It took as long .
for the apOtheeary to find out what the man was
driving at, as 1t would have done to put up the .
lO0EeSt pEencrl IlllOu ever NTllleu.
Calling a spade spade is well in theory but
not always expedent in practice. a Philadel- /
phia gentleman visiting his betrothed recently in
and was promptly informed by the damsel that if
he could not refrain from profanity in her pres
ence they must hencefOrth be strangers.
It is said, IN illustration of the great velocity
Of the winds in Wyoming Territory, that gem
tleman in Cheyenne, losing his hat in the street,
rushed % the telegraph Office and telegraphed 70
Denver, Col, requesting that his hat might be
stopped there, but immediately informed
that it had just gone by, travelling sOuthward.
The Best METHoD.-SJmebody having applied
to an editor for a method by which he might cure
his daughter Of her partiality for young gentle
men, is kindly informed that there are several
well and drop few loads OF gravel on her head
or 70 bind her ankles 10 anvil and upset her
out or beat.
HARDLY.-Noah's Ark was doubtless consider
ed big ship among the ancients and though
1t might have carried twin specimens of all ere
aJIon at one time, would hardly do it now. Ae-
cording to Sir Isaac Newton's definition of a
script1raI 's scubic,' the ark was SIS feet long.
So broad, and 81 feet deep, while the Greaf East
erH steamship is $50 feet long, So feet broad and
90 feet deep
CLOSED BUsISEss.-A cOlOred firm in Newark
New Jersey, having suffered some pecuniary en-
barrassment, recently closed business, and the
senior member gave TO the public the following
notice - De dshOlutiOn Of cOparsuips hereto
fore assisting twixt me and Moses Jones In de
barber profession am hereto resolved. Pussons
who Oes must pay de scriber. Dem what de firm
Oes must call on Jones, de firm is insolEed.'
ENJOYS IT.-The Danbury Nelcs SAYS: 1t is
told of Of our citizens who has recently been
made a father that he enjoys the heir hugely
Being Of a social turn be attends many parties
and on has departure places the sweet cherub In
bed. On bis return he gets into the place warm
ed by the darling, and puts the darling at the
foot of the bed where he can keep his feet on it.
He says a cold room is the healthiest to sleep in
and that 4 register is not only folly but posi-
tive injury.
Suicide by charcoal fumes is a fayOrite means
of seIf-destructiOn among the French, as all the
world knows; occasionally the DlOduS Operandi
varies. widOwer who has Just suffered the
usual irreparable loss, purchased a bushel Of
charcoal, stopped up every crevice in the cham
Der, threw himself On his bed, clutching the pho-
tograph Of his wife, and awaited dea.h Twenty
four hours later the King Of Terrors appeared az
the foot Of the bed 10 the shape Of policeman
inquiring what was wrong with him in refusing
10 open bis door. The intended suicide forgot to
'et FIRE 70 the charcoal