Richland beacon., 1873-05-17
MISCELLANEOUS PARAGRAPHS.


THE child who cried for an hour didn't
get it.
If a miss is as good as mile, how much
better is Mrs..
WOMEN can now be elected school Off
GERS in Illinois.
A TRUE American is too proud to beg
and too honest to steal. He gets trusted.
WHY is it necessary to mention that the
victims of suspended animation were
"well brought up?"
A LOCAL paper in Iowa records the ac-
cidental shooting of doctor. and has
"strong fears of his recovery"
THE Memphis Aralanche says this
years cotton planting in the Southern
States will be the most extensive since the
war.
A TERRE HAUTE man has fine cOllec-
ton of walking canes. which have been
thrown at an ill-natured dog in his front
yard.
ENGLIsHMEN look upon all other people
as foreigners, and firmly believe that they
which is good for the foreigners.
YOUNG lady (who is tired of his com.
pany): "I IOu amt bit nervous are you,
Mr.. Poet? All my gentlemen acquaint-
ances start when it strikes twelve"
"I'M so thirsty" said boy at work in
the corn field. "Well, work away" said
his industrious father. You know the
prophet says: Hoe, every one that thirst
eth"
murder is very serious thing, sir,'
said Judge to convicted prisoner. ut
is next to stealing horse or mule, sir,
and shall send you to the State prison
for six years, sir"
AT spirit meeting the other night a
gentleman requested the medium to ask
what amuSements were most popular in
the spirit world. The reply was, Read
ing of obituary notices."
ONE can give an approximate guess at
the immensity of the coming wheat crop
in California, when it is known that the
producers are negotiating for fifteen mil
lion sacks to hold it.
AN Alabama paper says of a recently
elected member Of the Legislature, that ne
has already shown his devotion to the
State by nine years. gratuitous service in
the State penitentiary.
JUST now that we are getting ready for
our new postal plaything, from which we
expect so much, it is instructive to come
across in the English papers so often an
item headed ''The Postal Card Nuisance"
A NAN who has a red-headed sweet
heart addressed her as "Sweet Auburn,
loveliest Of the plain" Sweet Auburn
got mad about it. She objected to being
claSsed among the "plain,' even though
called the lOveliest of them.
A KINGS fool who was condemned to
die, was allowed to choose the form of
death, and chose old age. An Iowa girl,
being asked what form of death she pre-
ferred, remarked that If she must die she
preferred to be smothered-with kisses.
A WORCESTER, Mass, gentleman, who
locked his combination safe on the word
BEAM" was surprised when he gave his
clerk the word that he was unable to lock
it. until he accidentally discovered that his
employer habitually spelled it ''bene."
The Massachusetts SOlOns purpose to
regulate the sale of ''hen fruit" by legisla-
tiOn-that is, to have eggs sold by weight
instead of by the dozen. 1t is sort of
contest Cetween Shanghae and Bantam
between the barn yard heavy and light
weights.
PUNCH thinks that if a young lady
wants to keep her hands free from chaps.
all she has to do is to dress in the present
fashion, and let it be known that she has
no money. Chaps, especially if they be
sensible chaps, will then let her hand
alone very severely.
WHILE the civilized world was feeling
the full shock of the wreck of the At
lantic, and the bodies of the dead still lay
frozen on the beach, man in Toronto
sent the following unique dispatch to
Capt. Williams ''This is the best market
for sale of damaged goods. Let me hear
from you"
AN attempt is shortly to be made TO
GaUsS ionan lne i IaeG n sI6op thirty feet long
She is named the Dolphin, and will carry
a crew of three men, in addition to her
captain. The object is to hunt sea otter,
which are stated to be very plentiful on
the japanese coast.
GONG up and down in hotel elevators
is considered by physicians to be bene-
fetal exercise in some nervous disorders.
An old lady, whose physician pre-
sc-ibed the elevator for her without
any special explanation, has taken the
advice literally, and now makes herself
frantic every day with brandy and soda
water.
1T illy becomes the Pacific slope to try
to claim all the rare and delightful fruits
of the earth, and the equally pleasant pro-
ductions of the sea and yet we see that
without hesitancy it claims to dig up on
its beaches clans that weigh from one
pound to pound and half. OF course
they are not good, anyhow, and think
what ungainly chOwder they would
make!
insufficient REAsON.-In an English
church, recently, after the publication of
the bans of marriage by the minister, a
grave elder, in stentOrian voice, forbade
the bans between a certain couple. On
being called upon for an explanation, 81
had" he said, pointing to the intended
bride-"I had intended Hannah for my
self" His reason was not considered SUI
ficient.
THERE is a good opening for carpenters
desirous of high wages in the Island of
Tahiti, most of the houses of which are
made of wood. which, because of the
scarcity of carpenters, is hewn in and i'm
ported from California, ready to be set up.
The island abounds in valuable woods for
the utilization of which only workmen are
required so if anybody wishes to strike
for more work here is his chance.
A CANNY Scot, who had accepted the
Office of elder because some wag had made
him believe that the remuneration was
sixpence each Sunday and boil of meal
on New. Years Day, officially carried
around the ladle each Sunday after ser
vice. When the year had elapsed he
claimed the meal, but was told he had been
hoaxed. sit may be wi the meal,' he re-
piled, coolly, "but | took care o. the sax
pence myself"
Iowa Progress.