Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-12-25
PKUNNIGEAliS.

PKUNNYGgAMS.
| Samuel Shaw, of Biddeford, Me, sale
! he wouldn't get up and light "a fire, anC
his wife said she wouldn't, and they re
manned in bed thirty-seven hours. She
| finally yielded, owing to hunger.
| When Theodore Hook and one of his
friends came to bridge, on one occasion
| the friend inquired, "Do you know who
built this bridge?'' "No," was Hooks
reply, "but if you 60 over you will be
"tolled."
| Out West, where women are running
| for office, the newspapers whose candi
| dates have been elected no longer place
defiant ROSTERS at the heads of their col
umns. A moucst hen broods over the
glad tidings of election. Eggzactly.
"A gentleman who rather suspected
some one was peeping through the key
hole OF his office door, investigated with
a syringe full of pepper-sauce, and went
home to find his wife had been cutting
wood and chip had hit her in the eye!
One should take care how he kills a
| flea. That very flea, according to the
Darwinian hypothesis, might be the
mother of something that might be the
progenitor of something that would ulti-
mately be developed into a human being.
| An unmannerly chap in Nevada kill
ed man in theater during the perform
] ance. He was very properly elected with
| out having his admission money refund
| ed and a friend of the murdered man
| threatened to kick him besides. Thus is
crime swiftly punished in the far West.
"A vagabond beggar Jew applied for
aims to DR.. Raphael, the well known
Jewish rabbi, and threatened to turn
Christian if the doctor would not help
him. The doctor said to him: "Nery
| will be satisfied; for you have been a
very bad Jew"
John Paul says when they want to
find out in the country if a girl is counting
or not, an old lady steps in and remarks !:
| say, there amt no one sick in this
here house, nor nothin', is there? | seen
a light burnin' nigh onto twelve O'Clock
last night, but don't smell no campfire
nor nOthin' round"
A young man in Utica explains: q
did not marry that girl on account OF her
father. / liked that girl well enough,
but the old man -'' Did he he have
any thing against you?" Why, father !!
he had his right foot against me two or
three times one evening, and [ never
went there any more"
Gertrude How, of Flint River, n. c.,
has sued her lover for breach of promise,
and claims $21, 100000 damages. This
the Detroit Free Press records and then
says: 1--WE have taken considerable
pride in putting this item before the pub
lie, and now for our sake we hope she
won't go and settle the suit for a bob
tailed dog and six bushels of beans, as an
Iowa woman did"
81 II take glass ofyour divine nectar"
said young man in a lager beer saloon
the other day. Wat eest dot?" asked the
waiter. IL want a goblet drain of the ex.
tract Of the Somniferous hop" 1--WE ton't
gots heem," answered the waiter. "Num-
skull, bring me a glass of lager!" The
waiter went to the bar-keeper and inform
ed him that crazy man wanted a glass
Of beer, but didn't know how to ask for
it. Il kess he font mooch English speak"
said the bar-keeper. Most everybody
thought the bar-keeper was right.
1t was about two o'clock Friday
morning that Mrs Hennessy, of Nelson
street, thinking she heard noise in the
kitchen, crept out of bed and to that room
to see if it was not Hennessey, who had
been expected in for several hours. On
reaching the kitchen she found her lord
and master sitting on the floor, with his
new silk hat in between his knees, and in
the hat several dried herrings and about
two quarts of water Mr. Hennessey was
cycling the mixture with profound gratiti-
cation. John Hennessey," screamed the
lady, "what are you doing?" "Nes" in
quired Mr. Hennessey, with look of sur
prise. "Why, Matilda, Pm chic starting
an (hicD aquarium for you Crishmus."-
Danbury Meas.
He was an Irishman, and when first
seen he was coming down Montague
street, Brooklyn, on his way to the Wall
street ferry. Over his port shoulder hung
a bag containing about = bushel of pota-
toes, and in his starboal u hand he carried
a stout stick. Being under full sail the
momentum acquired il coming down the
steep grade carried him nearly through
the gateway, when, seeing boat about
ten feet from the dock, he shook out an
other reef, made an astonishing burst Of
speed, and jumped. Jus. as he reached
the deck the potato bag shifted heavily to
port and laid out Broad street clerk
who was smoking a Henry Clay through
meerschaum holder, while the stick hit
a rotund South street merchant in the
waistband, shutting him up like jack
knife, and Pat himself assumed an invOl-
untary devotional attitude. He was the
first to recover his perpendicularity and
as he replaced the bag in its normal posi-
ton, he cOmplacently remarked: "Be my
sowl, but got the boat anyhow" Got
the boat ?" screamed he of Broad street,
splitting the pieces of amber out of his
mouth, 'Why, you double blank idiot,
this boat is coming in!" And so she was.
Fourteen Years in Prison to Shield