Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1873-04-04
Fl UMOR

II am a railroad man. ''Well," said the
exhorter, II know of several conductors in
New England who are Christians ''That
may do very well for Down East, was the
reioinder: ''but man can't be both in
Iowa"
Darwin is unmarried, as witness by the
statement that infants do not know how to
weep until they are several days old. We
don't know whether they can prove the state
ment or not; but there are good many hap
Nv fathers who will give him all they
possess in the world if he will prove that In
fants don't know how to howl.
A Sacramento lawyer remarked to the
are an old fool" The Judge allowed his
mildly beaming eye to fall upon the lawyer a
brief moment, then in a voice husky with
suppressed tobacco juice-and emotion, said,
1t is my candid opinion that you are fined
$780,
A famous French physician described to
student undergoing examination disease
eliminating by degrees to the most dangerous
then prescribe or do?'' The student, after
slight hesitation, replied, II should send in
stantly for you He got his diploma
A Sunday school scholar, six years old was
asked by his teacher, Why they took Stephen
outside the city to stone him to death ! The
little fellow was silent for a moment, as
though absorbed with the problem, when,
frightening up suddenly, he replied, so they
could get better crack at him..
The Chicago Post prints this The boy
who forged his mother name to a single
with piece of chalk, and bought five cents
IL IL ~
languishes and slumbers on all tours at night.
The mother got hold Of the single.
A man, and his name was Jones. and he
lived in Cincinnati, drank gallon Of whlskey
on a wager, aud he won the bet. His wife
remarked at the funeral that it was the first
money he had earned by hard work for ten
years.
A newspaper article has been going the
rounds Of the press headed, w here is your
boy at night?' A brilliant MaysvilIe boy
suggests the propriety of another article. in
During, Where the old man at night?
A lusty swain in Cincinnati was in habit of
looking through a knot hole in his fence which
separated his back yard from that of rotund
dame who lived next door. He has sent to
Paris for glass eye.
When they do manage to get the people of
Thompsonville, Conn, into church the sex
ton is obliged to lock, the door to keep
them there until the service is over. So says
the local paper.
A negro was put upon the stand as wit
ness and the Judge inquired if he understood
the nature of an oath. For certing, boss,
said the citizen, if | swear to a lie must
stick to him..
A young lady of St. Louis has just sent to
Europe an order for fifty yards of Brussels
carpet, twenty-five feet wide. She is going
to work pair of slippers for the editor of a
local paper.
Silence in the court there Numbered a
police magistrate the other morning, the
Court has already committed four prisoners
without being able to hear word Of the tes-
timony.
A marrying bachelor anxiously asks if it
would be of any use to attempt to make love
to a young lady, after he has stood on her
dress till he could hear the gathers rip at her
waist ?
eBub, is your sister at home?' Yes, but
she won't see you tonight Why? cause
she said she was going to have one more
mess of onions. if she never did get another
beau
Indiana social institutions are being thor
oughly revolutionized, The latest innovation
proposed is to fix the price of funeral SER
mons, allowing it to vary with the estate.
The Chicago Journal gives the following
warning Look out for Mrs Snyder, of Cleve-
land: she has killed two husbands, and is
roaming around the country for third.
Bill said Bob, why is that tree called
weeping willow?' Cause one Of the sneaky,
plaguey things grew near our school-house,
and supplied our master with switches.
The maddest man in Camden is Smith
He wound up his clock regularly every night
for fifteen years years, and then discovered
that it was an eight-day clock.
When Brigham Young's children sing
Father. dear dear father, come home the
effect is said to be wonderful. The old man
comes home without delay.
Rural papers severely condemn the conduct
of ''the hens that are standing around barn
yard doors doing nothing while eggs arc sell
ing at fifty cents Dozen.
A Justice at Vernon, Iowa, wound up
marrige by saying, And [ now send you to
the county jail for thirty days He was
thinking of another case.
Women, wake up!' exclaim the 'Revolu-
ton, and an INDECENT rural editor adds, Yes,
put the teakettle on.
There is woman at Duluth who weighs
800 pounds. At little distance it is diff
cult to tell which is the larger of the two, the
town or the woman.
A dreadful Ohio paper enquiries how the
member Of the legislature got along with the
ice-cream he slowed away in his pocket, at a
recent reception.
A Pittsburgh brides dowry lately consist
ed of two barges Of COAL which her father
thinks ought to secure her reception by the
ton anywhere.
The St. Louis Republican recommends an
ambitious debating society in Kansas to take
as its next subject, Which is the butt end of
a boat?"
A Louisville paper has felt called uron to
correct an error Of the types 1t says, For
one Of the worst of men, read one of the
wisest
Ground dances at church festivals in Du-
buque, Iowa, are not considered the Square
thing by the press Of that city.
DO you believe, sir, that the dead ever
walk after death?' No doubt of it, madam.
I have heard the Dead March
Cranberries are SO plenty In St. Paul that
the noses of two thirds of the citizens partake
of the hue of this fruit.
It is said that lame dog is like an in
clined plane, because he is slow pup, while
the other is slope up.
1t has been suggested that the name of
the national capital be changed to "White
Washington.
The man most likely to make his mark in
the world-one who cannot write his own
name.
Co,,a mon ara 81 absorbed IN rali pion that