The Van Buren press., 1873-02-18

rubtly, and seizing Brimmer's scattered
hair, bumped his prostrrte head against
the table three or four times with consld'
srable force. Having expended the vio-
lence OF his emotion in this manner he
held the editors head down with one
hand, shaking it occasionally by way OF
emphasis, and with the other hand seized
the paper and said
"You disgraceful old reprobats! You
and disgusting vampire
You hoary- headed cid ghoul What 40
you mean by putting such stat as this IN
your vile sheet about my deceased son.
What d'you mean by printing such aw
full dogccrel as this. you depraved and
dissolute ink slinger-you inbeeiie ola
quill-driver you;
Oh bury Bartholomew out in the woods
wh.rs ,bs b"mblc. bees buzz and the woodpeckcrs
And the strsddle bugs tumble around;
So that III in winter. when the snow and tho slush
Have covered his last little bed, =,
His brotherArtemus can go out win Jane
And visit the place with his sled'
"I'll teach you to talk about straddle
bugs! I'll instruct you about slush
I'll enlighten your insane old intellect on
the subject Of singing woodpeckers
What do you know about Jane and Ar
temus, YOU wrstched buccanoer, you dss
picable butcher of the English language Z
Go out with a sled I'll carry yeu out In
q hearse before I'm done with you. you
dcplorable old lunatic"
At the end OF every phase the visitor
gave the editors head fresh knock
against the table When the exercise
was ended Mr.. Brimmcl explained and
apologized in the humblest manner,
promising at tha Same time to give MS
assailant chance to pummel Ou.
The treachery of this man, MUIR
INJURED the poet, "is dreadful. Didn't
he desire me to throw a glamor ofpoesy
over common place details! But Tor
that should never have thought ofallud
ing to woodpeckers and bugs, and other
children of nature. The man objects to
tho remarks about the sled Can the Id.
lot know that it was necessary to have a
rhyme for bed ? Can he suppose that
could write poetry without rhymes Z
The man is unatic He ought not to
be at large"
Hardly had the indignant and energct
ic parent of Bartholomew departed when
a man with rcd hair and ferocious
glare in his eyes entered, carrying = club
and accompanied by . savaselooklng
dog.
al want to see the EDITOR" be shout
ed.
A ghastly paor oversproad Brimmers
face, and he said.
THE editor 10 net in. "
"Well, when wiU he be in. then =
mot fer u week--for n month--for q
ysar-rorevor He will never come IN
any more!' screamed Brimmer. He
has gone to South America, with the in
tcntion to remain there during tho bal
ance of his life He has departed. He
has fed. II you want to see him you
had better follow him to the equator.
He will be glad TO SEQ you. l would ad-
wise you, as a friend, to take the next
boat-to start at once
THAT is unfortunate" said the man
with the golden locks II called for the
purpose Of battering him UP lot with
this club"
"hs will be sorry said Brimner sar.
castically. "He will regret missing You.
will write to him, and mention that you
dropped in.
"Ny name is McFaddsn, " said the
man. IL came to break the head Of the
man who wrote that obituary poetry
about my wife. II you don't tell me who
the following, Ill break
yours for you, Whore is the man who
wrote this7 Pay attention;
Mrs, MeFadden has gone from this life
She has left all its sorrows and cares
She caught the rheumatcs in both OF no legs
ssrasSnf shs cellar ann sad her IN vain
They bAthed her with whisky and r,im
But Thursday her spirit departed and lett
Her body entirely numb.
"The slave who held the late Mrs
up to the scorn. of an unsym-
pathetic world in that sho, ng manner"
said the editor, "is named Remington
OFT He boards in Blank street, fourth
door from the corner, / would advise
YOU to call on him and avsnge Mrs. Nc
Fadden's wrongs with judicious inter.
mixture OF club and dog-bitss. "
"And this, sighed the poet, outside
the door, "is the man who tsld me to
divert MoFaIdeAs mind from the con-
Of the horrors Of tho tomb
1t was this monster who counsslcd me
to make the sunshine OF McFadden's s
smilss burst Through shs tempest Of Nc.
tears! II that red headed
monster couldn't smile over that allusion
to whisky and rum--.if those remarks
about the rheumatism in her legs could
not divert his mind from the horrors Of
the tomb-wss 1t my fault2 NcFadden
grovels He knows no more about po
stry than q specksd mule knows about
the Shorter Catechism.
The poet determined to leave before
any further criticisms we're made upon
his performances. He jumped down
frsm his chair and crspt softly toward
tho back stairs. Arriving at the landing
hs suddenly encouAtsrsd Brimmsr, NOV
ing of in the same direction. The edi.
tor had hardly time enough to utter a
profane ejaculation and TO liz his hand
to strike tho poet, when an old lady in a
poke bonnet and silver sPsctasles sud.
denly emerged from the stairway aud
pinned the editor to the wall with the fe
rule OF her umbrella. Aftsr grinding
her teeth at him for = moment she aoor-
cd him with her weapon, and. seating
herself upon his PROSTATE form, she ex-
tracted copy Of the Morning Glory