The weekly Oskaloosa herald. [volume] (Oskaloosa, Iowa) 1855-1885, 1873-12-25
pEWlScN'S CHRISTMAS JOKE.

Il
SO far as can see, the result Is ex-
actly as unpleasant whether you go
by marriage or the ordinary means.
have persuaded you as friend,
gone repeatedly over the whole
ground, as a counsellor, "put it to
you," as an adviser a thousand times
and more, and now l shall stop. 1t
is evidently useless, and see that
you are determined to be big-head
ed and obstinate. | am buttoning
up my coat for the third and last
time now. l have spent three hours
of this precious evening in talking to-
a sentimentalist who has not seven
ty cents in his pocket, yet is set up
on marrying the prettiest girl in the
State, to a man whose ideas of hap.
piness are built upon full larder, a
cellar over flowing with Goals and ex-
pensive belongings of position in
good society, Iand yet is too poor
to make a promise. You tell me
that you are willing to live on oat-
meal porridge, providing she will be
your Uis-d.0iS with another spoon ;
now that is sublime nonsense for she
won't do anything of the kind, and
you know it. l tell you, as | have
told you 4 dozen times before, that
love is ninety-nine parts bread and
butter and one part sentiment. Ger
tainly-look as disguised as you
please, / am not disposed to be real
istic, and know for a certainty that
you navn't paid for your boots or
board, and that you will find your
Virginia's delicate little notes sand
witched with your tradesmen's I'M
paid bills in your breast pocket
Your whole possession converted in.
TO clothing would not produce the
trowsers of dress suit in which to
get married, and how in the dickens
you expect love to do duty for meals,
dress and amusements, besides it's
own legitimate uses, is, / confess,
more than / can imagine"
"There's my article which l sent
last week, you said that"-
"Do you mean that twenty pages
of nonsense which you called. "The
Romance of My Velocipedeg" You
may possibly get forty dollars for
the name. You blundered into
shrewdness when you hung your
story on that peg; anything about a
velocipede nowadays is worth its
weight in gold"
"Then there's my farce /; you
thought that was lively and sure to
take"
"What if l did, and did it honest
ly; do you hope to marry girl up
on your luck in putting funny words
into the mouths of half-a.dozen buff
foons, and to SIT up your literary
none, making machine on the sound
basis OF making two hundred empty
heads laugh at your puns and jokes,
eh 2"
"You Think ! review and criticise
justly?"
"Pooh! you've merely got tact
enough to slash little less savagely
or to kill your man or book with a
"beg y'r PARDON there's precious
little merit in picking flaws, aud you
would quite as soon kick up rum
pus behind the scenes by telling a
defenceless lady that she is coun-
try hoyden, aud not fit to play Teaz.
lie, if it would give you good posi-.
ton with the people oftaste. 6
| was about to retort, when 1t oc.
Cured to me that ] was certain to
get the worst oft, and | therefore
sat quietly blinking at the fire, which
l am sorry to say was quietly burn.
ing up the last of my coal. Knowing
l had nearly reached the end of my
rope, | had piled on the rest of my
fuel which remained to my credit,
and it was being speedily turned
over to the credit of smoke and heat
which last scorched the legs of. my
friend, and made him speak again
after the moment of silence.
81 said moment ago that | was
going, but / shall retract." Here he
took out his watch and laid it upon
the table. "I'll give you ten min
utes to think this matter over. The
question is simply this: will you
marry this girl and be compelled to
stifle yourself with charcoal in gar
rett within week or will you work
along in easy elevating circum.
stances, worship your God sIngly,
and make possible reputation and
a probable bank account eventual.
ly."
Having made up my mind three
weeks before, l paid little attention
to what he said, but Kept on regret
ting my Goals.
Dewison was frst-rate fellow,
| and we had struck up sort of friend
ship which had lasted well aud con.
stantly increased On his part as he
saw how necessary he was to me,
and On mine as found out his good
temper and practical ways. / be
lieve he managed all the little busi-
ness which l had to do, and knew
he turned my labors to much more
OF a financial result than / could
have gained had / undertaken the
disposal Of my own affairs. He was
short, plainly talking man, filled
10 the brim with argument, and, as
l intimated, a thorough-going hater
Of fine sentiments, unless they were
dragging after some confounded
homespun nuisance, which he always
conceived to be the first thing to be
trotted oat and put into PAGES. In
most of our differences l usually
came 70 he surface on his side OF the
line, bI "A the present matter l had
held Nj ground with psrtinacity
which ..trprised myself, and am
happy u believe, rather led Devil.
son to believe 1 was not the numskull
of previous flights. always had a
| dislike to the term "falIing in love-"
it implies in itself that the person
who has so fallen did SO against his
will and common sense, and is anx
ious to be fished out at the earliest
| moment, and therefore / say that /
went up directly with my eyes and
wits about me, went in and shut the
door behind me, double locked it by
telling my situation TO the keeper OF
tho prison. She, having walked, al
so with open eyes into the same con-
finement, agreed with me there to
live in company. told Dewison as
! a m after of course, directly he be-
came furious, and threatened to
throw me over board rs fool, and