The Superior times. [volume] (Superior, Wis.) 1870-1912, 1873-07-19
Humorous,

| don
THEODORE Hook once said to man
at whose table publisher got very
tipsy: You appear to have emptied
your wine cellar into your bookseller"
A BcsToN MINISTER concludes his ser
mon as follows "But / hear the rust
| ling silks in the pews, as if some of the
ladies were impatient to leave; l will
therefore say, God bless you"
A CITIZEN of Connecticut, recently
introduced to a newly married man,
congratulated him warmly, and said:
"Ah, these Litchfield county girls
make clever wives; I've had three of
them"
A YOUNG MAN from the country
slapped big copper cent under the
nose of the stamp clerk at the Troy
postot1ice the other day, saving: q
guess I'll take one of them 'eer pasto-
real cards, Mister"
| FIGURATIvE Party SO long as | am
man, sorr, what does it matter to me
whether my great grandfather was an
anthropoid ape or not, sorrl" Literal
Party" Haw! wather disagweeable
for your gweat grandmother, wasn't
| it 2"
HOSTESS (wishing to be polite)-
Good evening, Mr.. Lovibond Sorry
your wife couldn't come, too! Host
| (wishing to be pollter)-Nobody here
| IS Hkely-haw-to regret Mrs. Low
| bonds absence half so much-haw-as
Mr.. Lovibond does,
A PRISON chaplain being required for
a Scotch prison, and the choice made,
one of the Board said "Weei, I've no
objection to the man, for | understand
he has preached a kirk empty already :;
| and If he be as successful in the jail,
hell, maybe, preach it vacant as we'll. s"
A SCoTCH church having bought an
automaton organ, there being no or
ganist to be found near, started on the
tune of Dundee on Sunday The clerk
being unable to stop it, when it was
set agoiug, it played that cheerful tune
just eighty-seven times before 1t
stopped.
AFTER a bevy of children in Somer-
vile, Tenn. had fooled with revolver
for half an hour without accident, the
Oldest brother became Disguised at the
| harmless character of the sport. and
arranging his little playmates in Il sin
gle group, he fired into them, killing
one brother, wounding another in the
arm, and shooting off his sisters nose.
CHRYsosTUM and other old preachers
used to diversity their sermons by
TRADES against the fOllies Of dress; but
that kind of rebuke has not been COM
mon IN the modern pulpit. Lately,
however, a Bangor (Me.) clergyman
fell afoui of the Spring bonnets, which,
with great felicity of expression, he
called "incomprehensible huddles of
tinery and frivolity."
The ministers came last week to pray
for Paul Carroll, Of jamestown, KY,
who is IN the last stage of consump-
ton, and having lived a wicked life,
sent for them. But when they opened
prayer Mrs. Carroll remarked, with
fearful eyes, that she couldn't stand it,
this dividing up of family by pray
ing all the balance OF the family had
gone to HI. No man ought to be
separated from his kin
You've WIFE-'tG George, dear, I've
had talk with the servants this morn
ing, and I've agreed to raise their
wages. They said everything was so
dear now-meat was high, and Goals
had risen to such price, and every
thing--I thought this was reasonable,
because I've so often heard you COM
plain of the same thing. "-Ptmch.
IT is an oddly of Scotch humor that
1t plays continually around the sever
est religious faith in the world. ANY
reader of Dean Ramsay is prepared to
believe the story that this notice was
lately posted in the vestibuIe OF kirk
IN Scotland "The person who stole
Songs OF the Sanctuary from pew No.
- should improve the opportunity Of
singing them here, as he will have no
occasion to sing them hereafter"
A YOUNG man from Billtown dined at
the Erasier House, Oswego, the other
day, and as the walters were taking
orders, he heard his next neighbor or
der (" roast beef rare" When his turn
came he also said ''roast beef rare"
In due time it came very rare. Looking
at 1t moment he said, "Here, waiter,
| want mine cooked" The gentleman
of color responded, 81 thought you
said roast beef rare, sab 2" You
don't call that rare, do you 2" interro-
gated Billtown. Yes, sab, dat's roast
| beef rare, shuah," "Well, if you call
that rare, just take it back and rare it
over" says the Billtown aristocrat.
A WORTHY old clergyman in neigh
| boring town Is very absent-minded.
and has short memory 1t is a COM
mon habit with him in the sermon to
forget something, and then. after sit
ting down. to rise uD again, and begin
his supplementary remarks with the
expression, "By the way" A few
Sundays ago he got half way through a
prayer, when he hesitated, forgot what
be was about, and sat down abruptly
without closing. In moment or two
he rose, and, pointing his forefnger at
the amazed congregation, he said,
son by the way-Amen !"
THE latest dodge for shoplifters is
known as the umbrella dodge A thief
enters with an umbrella partly open.
he hangs it on the counter, prices ali
sorts of articles, genera lily valuable
material of small bulk He watches
| his chance and drops a roll of ribbon
or dozen gloves into the half-opened
umbrella, and after making a paltry
purchase, goes. This dodge has been
played with great success of late, and
at some stores an umbrella boy is
hired to stand at the door and deposit
all umbrellas In the rack. When Gus
| toners leave he hands to each one his