St. Johnsbury Caledonian. [volume] (St. Johnsbury, Vt.) 1867-1919, 1873-12-26
VOLUME 37--NUMBER 1900.
Humorous.

Humorous
DIFFICULT OPER lTION.-A rcmarka-
bic operation was performed by IA
Whitehall physician, a few days ago.
\ gentleman who had been suffering
from IL supcrahundance of adipose
tissue, consulted Il physician, asking for
relief from his burden. The doctor told
him he could relieve him, if he would
consent to painful operation. The
gentleman consented, and, with the
medical practitioner, entered the tele-
graph office at this place. The fat man
was requested to remove his coat and
vest, after which the physician sur
rounded him with wires. attaching the
ends toa powerful galvanic battery.
At signal from the doctor, Manager
w. B. Eddy let on the current passing
around him. still he stood like martyr.
Presently he began to shrink he grew
smaller and smaller, his clothing hung
in bags about his fast diminishing form
the doctor felt much pleased at the re
suit oi his experiment, while the former
ly fat mans JOY was very great, al
though he seemed to be suffering most
acute pain. All of Il sudden there was
heard Il loud clicking at the instruments,
as if Pandemoniums great hall had
been let loose. The operator spramg
quickly to answer the call. He ascer-
tanned il was from the New York office.
He quickly asked. What's up ?" An
answer came back a> if some infuriated
demon WIS AT the other end of the wine,
''What in thunder are you about ? Cut
of your wires quick YOU are filling the
New York office with soap grease"
llbjf,LnH Timcs
GHT DIFFI,I ITIE> nF W ATERMELON
tI.LTI m. ''tam the watermelon lie
successfully cultivated on sandy soil, in
Il rual town of four thousand imhabit
ants. and a Theological institute located
near 10y, containing one hundred and
twenty students studying for the minis
trt This question excited consider
able comment and loud discussion
among the agllculturi>tS present (at the
meeting Of The IldN>"crl~" III Clcve-
laudl. and nearly an hour and half
WAS spent III discussing the same. An
old green gr"ccr VIII" had raised early
and late vegetables tni the market for
twenty ycII> "t his earlier life. said he
could raise melons on top of Il barn. oT
ON i billiard table. even let him pick
the locality and his mcighbors. IT WIS
NOT 50 much the soil. nor season. that
the melon drpcudrd upon tnr lis per
f,.rtinn. ~, il was the pcruIilriticS OF the
uhahiIamt> "t the country roundabout.
Wurlr there wa> an excess of cOlured
citizens il was almost ~ impossible to
r;l>r paving crop of melons as it was
1. 1
roasted III night in Il iicIring's safe.
Then. again colleges have Il bad effect
upon the melon crop. and even Il minis
tcr'~ family of seven boys has been
known t" blight a large patch i'll sin
al, night. In sections of country where
these draw backs exist. the speaker had
learned that the onl method to insure
Il fun crop of melons was to station n
man hy each melon from the time il
was the size of a hens egg until it
Iipcncd. This WAS expensive, hut the
result WIS always gratifying. AS the
fruit grew in size. and approached ripe
uc>~ the speaker had sometimes found
II necessary To station two guards Oven
, c,ch mcl"n. AND even then, in commu-
mites where a great fondness for these
lu>ciou> products existed, he had known
of The in>idrs of large watermelon he-
ing stolen and dcvoured while two men
With clubs and pistols were seated on
the she'll. OF rind, engaged in triendl,
converse. Dunb,uy Nc'rS.
W EpITnR'> DREAM. Once upon
time local editor dreamed that he WAS
dead and in another world. He ap-
preached the gate of Il city before him.
and kn"rked for admittanre, but no
one answered his Summons. The gate
remained closed against him. Then he
cried aloud tur an entrance, but the
nmIp prcSpon~c were scores of heads APP
pcIIiug above the wall on each side of
the gate. At sight of him the Owners
of the hcad> set up a dismal howl, and
one of them cried "Why didn't you
notice that big egg gave YOU p At
. this horlid and most unexpected inter
rogati"n the poor local turned in the
direction of the voice to learn its owner,
hen another voice Shriekcd, ''Whcre's
the pir"" NOu were going to write
about my soda fountain ? And close
upon that waS the awful demand,
Nv hN did Nnu write II piece about old
pchdi"~ fence, and never say a word
ahuut my new gate ?'' Whatever an
~wcr hr w.~ going To frame to this ap
peal WAS crt abruptly off by the aston
i>hIu" query what did You spell
my name wrong in the programme fort'
The miserable man turned tn flee, when
lac wI- rooted tn the spot 10y this terri
hlr demand. "Why did You put my
marriage among The deaths P' He WAS
on The point of say ing the foreman did
a. I.., -l,t.in yr,,i,.,r ,,,,ll, II
w hat made Nnu put in my runaway.
aud spoil the sale of my horse T. And
this WIS followed 10y the voice of Il
fem lie Historically proclaiming This
i the butte that hotched my poetry,
and made me ridiculous :" Whcreupon
huudrcd> of voices screamed; "Whcrc's
my article! Give me back my article"
and in the midst of the horrid din the
p""I wretch awokc. pcrspiriug at every
pore. and screaming for help. The next
dil hr resigned. and We had to hunt up
au"thcl local editor. Ddnbry NOrS.
r,rT. JArk. Captain Jack wa. Ger
tiu!l - cunning Indian. looked more
l." results than la til" equity of THEN
attainment. Ghc dal prev Sinus to his
r\r,1tl"u The post chaplain WI, doing
hi,hc~r tnplrparc the captain for the fatal
hour. and narrated +" him the beauties
Of the heavenly kingdom. The tale
seemed not ouly 1" interest. but to AT
feet thu raWny wretch. who .Skcd the
CHAPLAIN # he knew all about the happy
land and the Heavenly Father. The
chaplain said he thought he did.
"Wcll. said Captain Jack, you know
all bout Him me give Hnu ten horses,
N"u take my place tO-morrow." De-
-Ir,hlr ~ horses are on the plains, the