The Placer herald., 1873-06-07
BUT.BUT.BUTTER.
The Famine i'm Lacteal Grease.

In reference to the scarcity of butter in it's
locality, the Lexington Caucasian perpe-
trates the following:
The best butter in this city at present is a
goat. But-this subject reminds us of
West Virginia war incident. A yankee o.
fcer made a raid into a hostile region. As
his bIuo coated ragamuffins were advancing
down lonely lane, their approach was dis
covered by three elderly Southern maidens,
who had evidently and hastily made up their
minds that they were goners. They met
the invading mudsils at their front gate with
this heart-wrung speech: "We surrender.
Take our silver and gold. Finger our trunks
and paw our private drawers. But-we
beseech you, in the name of Heaven, pre-
serve our virtue!' This little corn-mea-o-
dramatic speech rather astonished the calf
headed Federalst, who, in unspeakable dis
gust, replied: "Ladies, d--n your virtue,
What want to know is, have you any but
ter-milk p He was simply out on a butter
milk raid. If the appearances are not very
deceiving that yankee calf would have to ride
and bleat all over this county, and then go
home unbutter- MIXED. 1t is wonderful
fact, demonstrated by all familiar (and unfa-
miliar) science, and especially by cow-and
calf-ologists, that there can be no butter
where there has been no butter-milk. And
vet even this established fact is not true.
For instance, we bought an ounce of butter
the other day, which never had the remotest
connection with butter-mik. 1t was made
up wholly of such uncowable ingredients as
tallow dips including the wick cracking lard,
linseed oil, putty, beeswax, boot grease,
Lmberger cheese, barber shavings, assafeti
da, and cotton batting. The grocer made it
while we were waiting at the counter, and
every time he put in a new ingredient, he
raised the price two-bits. When he got it
up to ninety dolars-we should have said
scents-we paid him his piraie-laid tribute,
tore our hair, and our trousers, and fled the
establishment He is pious church-at-
tending Pharisee, but the way he lied to us
about that butter was awful and a shame to
Ananias. AS soon as we got out on the
street. every starving butter hunter COM
menced snufling the air, following after, and
shouting to us "Who's got butter? Where
did you get it?" and other impertinent
questions. Itch take the common herd.
Can't gentleman find good thing without
having every body nosing into bis affairs, and
trying to put on style by initiating him But
we kept our own counsel and went about
our own business. We put that butter in
our rear swallow-tail where where it would
do the most good-and paced around right
smarty that evening. We didn't care a
snap about going home, now that we had
the whole larder of the place we feed at,
safely stored away in the rear Of our wheel
house. The family couldn't and wouldn't
swallow dry bread till the last hope of butter
had expired. But-we remember that we
sat down good deal that evening, and that
every time we got up lot of country ours
would rush up and lick and lop the vacated
seat. And then they all seemed to have
desire so sneak up close behind us, and hide
their heads under our coat skirts. Such ia
miliarity we permit no man to take, much
less shall dog. But--in the course OF hu-
man events, we rushed home and proudly
placed in the hands of our widow the remains
Of that cow grease. She slapped it up to
her nasal apparatus and rewarded our enter
prise by simply turning up her nose to such
degree of contemptuosity, that neither hon
eyed words nor eau de cologne have been ef-
fcctual to thaw il down 10 ia former gentle