Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1873-02-05
Temperance Phil"
How Phil. Snit, Fooled the Docto.
ind his Mamma, and how
tho Doctor Fooled Phil.
fFor the Lexington Intelligcnccr. J


Never try to deceive anybody-l
tell you it 10 best to stick to the truth
under all circumstances; no matter
what you have done own up, espe-
cially when the evidence IL all against
you and you are about to be caught.
have just experienced 90 strong az
Cument in favor" Of the above ad-
vice.
I'll tell you how it was.
You know our family we'll, and
know that they are every clever peo-
pie" You know all of them clean
back 20 grandfather Phil. Smith and
my father Phil Smith; ais" my family
on my mothers side for years and
years. They have all been temper
ancc folks, you know; none of them
would ever imbibe anything stronger
than cider, you know. Well, never
did either, ,alwayslooking upon drunk
ards and drunkenness with the greatest
abhorrencc, ,aud was taught this from
my cradle up. was always agreat
temperance boy, i'll the debating So
cietics always took the side of tenn
perance, and by the way, memorized
two or three temperance speeches
and spoke them as my own, which
gave me some notorlcty, and l was
finally dubbed Temperance Phil u
| which name l have to this day. you
know.
But to the "strong argument" and
how it happened, and how fooled
the doctor and mamma, and how the
the doctor fooled me.
I 1 happened (?-yes, happened ont
night TO fall in with party of, ,"ias
fellows" about a dozen or SO, abou
INV age, ssmc of them younger per
haps, and perhaps some Older, "bum
ming" around the city, as you know
how them fellows do. In our pcregi
: nations we CHANGED (?) to 60 into
place called saloon, you know
Well, after staying in there abou
three hours or 50, eating oysters an
tasting this, that and the other kim
of liquids that are kept at such places
you know, began to have kind Il
strange feelings about my head, ys
know. The saloon seemed as If .
4 pivot, it seemed to get faster ali
faster. ! began to think tho wori
or something else was ''out of jint.
IL finally got to going round 80 fas:
grabbed the red-hot stove to stead
myself, fearing would fall and b
dashed to pieces If it got much fastel
| remained in this position but tc,
minutes; it went round faster all
faster. until every object i'll the ROOF
I lookc like 4 solid belt, when all {
a suddeni it seemed to strike or CO
lide with something, and believe
this day it or myself did strike com
II thing. and aud the stove both fell.
!. was picked up hy somebody and ca
ried out doors into the ''iresh air.
}. After lying there about an hour,
suppose, | "kinGer" revived, ali
{. with much difficulty gotup and star
ed for home.
The thought just then occurred
a me that l Was drunk. What must
do? 1t will kill mamma should | =
home drunk. 10 stay ont all nig'
u won't do, for mover did such u thin
in my life. l was in qnandary VIII
r to do, YOU know. Thinks 70 IN
,, self, will play off sick on them. II
u thought occurred to me that it sic
to to the doctor would be sent for, al
how to fool him was question IL
; so easily settled. After thinking ov
the matter "vario1sly," made ,
my mind to fool all hands doctor to
by feigning sick.
= Twas just then passing q grocc
storc-"family grocery" you kno,
> when 1 "spied" large washin
i, tub full of dried apples just insi
the door. 1 had heard it said that
r. eat dried apples and drink warm "
ter would swell body up.
=. Ss InIwent. Collie l must have
.. play sick successfully. l bought
n peck of the dried apples and sat dov
= TO eat them. There happened to be
; tea kettle full Of water on the sto,
, 'jist q bilin." Asked the storckeep
TO loan me tin cup, which he iii
e eo So "pitched in" would eat dri
apples u while, aud then drink Ii
water awhile. The storekeep
y looked at me in perfect a:nazeme
and yemtured once to ask me 81
knew what | was doing, aud j
n, wasn't afraidI'd make myself sici
After eating about half the appic'
"a began to feel the trick workin. fi,
,v. commenced to swell sure cnou:
big or aud bigger l got, until
was several blocks from home, bu
;sep throughI / could make it. The +