The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1873-07-19
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

slaughter by some sanguinary butcher
Mary had a little lamb,
With which sheuscd to tuSscl,
She snatched the wool all oil its back
And stuffed it in her hustle
And when he saw he had been leeCed,
He in passion flew,
So Mary got upon her ear,
And stuffed the lamb in too.
One of the wholesome questions that now
troubles the editors of the Sun Is How to stop
nose bleed" The best antidote for the editors
in such cases is to keep their noses out OF other
peoples busincss.-Djron TeleguDh
Don't let your children play alone in the barn.
The only son of Mr.. Prosper Keep, of Erie coun-
" Pa got hung in the barn the other day, and
as he hung four days before they found him, his
usefulness as an only son was pretty much dc.
stroyed.
What is it that Massachusetts, men get drunk
on, anyway? The Boston Post says: "A great
many persons were made incohcrent yesterday
by the warm weather. coupled with the fact that
he bars were closed, and nothing could be OBJ
tanned to counteract its effect"
There is something in dreams after all.
Western man dreamed that his brothers head
was cut off without loosing drop of blood, and
the next day he learned that his brother had
been removed from Postmastership -Cthctn
Hdtt ERquiftr.
Here is a piece Of excellent advice given by
the Rock Island Journal to parent who asks
how to keep his son from staying out at night
There are several ways. The boys spine can
he broken with an ak, or he can be nailed TO the
floor with red hot railroad spike, driven through
mis- abdomen, but probably the most chcctual
way is to compel him to wear patched clothing.
An editor who is mean enough to run away
with a subscribers wife deserves exemplary
punishment, but the punishment OF the Iowa
editor was rather severe. The outraged hus.
band followed him 40 miles before ovcrtlking
him., but then, approaching him with frown
that was perfectly willing, he hurled the fatal
shaft thus: "Cuss your impotence. StOp my
psperr That was all During all the trying
scene the woman stuck to the editor like sand
burr to a girls stocking. Some people get mad
and stop their paper for almost nothinS-it
beats all.
That Indiana editor got into trouble who in
formed his readers that ono cards. at the end Of
a marriage notice meant that the wedding pair
don't play poker.
4 joyial Dubuque saloon keeper came rather
ingenious dodge to reduce the number OF mis-
free lunchers. One day he invited. them to
grand treat. The meat was OF a rare and pc.
culiar kind. The lunchcrs ate heartily, when the
mercess joker quietly Informed them that the
meat they had partaken OF SO freely was that OF
a dog he had carefully fattencd for the purpose.
At meeting of the farmers club of VIII
county last week resolution to invite the edi.
tors in the county TO join the club was voted
down. Come to look at the quality of the arti-
Gle in that locality, the vote is not surprising.
They have the aguc awfully down at Lacon.
The Home Journal editor gays, during q storm
last week his Office was Jared SO that he thought
it had been struck by lightning, but afterwards
he found the disturbance was caused by man
in another part of the building shaking with the
aguc.
Yorkville has decided by vote to be n city,
with mayor, &c. As the old Frenchman said
in the Illinois legislature, when they passed
law to make Illinois State Bank money legal
tender, You may vote vat you like, but bet
fifty toar you no make him land Office money"
Cities are not built by voting.
The advance Of civilization in the east is won.
derful A missionary reports that the ladies Of
the harem Of the King of Siam have put off the
Siamese harem costume and dOnned the Euro
pcan harem.scarem costume, consisting Of CHG
mons, high.heeled CATERS and back files Of news
papers.
Senator Upton, of Nebraska, is building an
elegant mansion-his idea of placing his back
pay where it will do the most good.
One Of the notorious divorce lawyers of New
York, in his advertisement in the city papers,
says "Hyncneal incompatibilities as special
ty dcicatcly adjusted IT'S slavery to retain the
hand after the cardiac cntrail has departed"
The negroes down South must have Injuries,
cost what they may A southern paper says
they are beginning to mortgage their farms to
get money To buy watcrmcons Should the
crop prove unusually luscious, mortgages on the
houses Of negroes in the South will be as unycr.
sal by September as in Chicago
This is the way the Cincinnati ED2,Grcr does
up Personals"
There are but four men in the Fourth Rcgi.
mcHt Of Regulars who do not chew or smoke
and they addicted to profanity that they
find no time for small vices.
Bitten by an alleged mad dog" is the mild
way IN which ii is put in Baltimore To avoid
hurting the dogs feelings should lac merely bc
ldbOrng under Il temporary alteration.
Geo. smith, Of Waco, Texas the father Of TWEEN
ty-thrcc children all living is the envy of all his
neighbors, because he makes handsome living
playing poker with his boys.
Mr. Jasper Packard, an Indiana congressional
salary thief says he voted for the salary CRIB act
Tor the same reason that induced the prcsl-
dent to sign it," If Mr. Grant should state why
hc signed the salary. grab act, probably he would
declare that he signed ii for the same reason
that induced the thieves in congress to vote
for it,
An exchange says that smoking will Kill lice
on plants, but for boys fine tooth comb is
better.
matchfactOry is soon 10 be started in West
Bend Numerous postal cards nqurIng the
price Of board have already been received from
equally numerous young ladies who would like
10 have q hand in the business.
Old John Robinson's Fejee cannibals the be