Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1873-10-02
Humorous

The most timely of gifts-A watch.
THE great knead of the day-Bread.
THE most mealy-mouthed people in
the world-Millers.
The man who pretends to know every
thing generally knows nothing.
How TO keep your head above the
water-Never be above drinking it.
A MAN who stands on his dignity has
generally very uncertain footing.
WHEN a man becomes your tool, look
out that he doesn't make you his fool.
NEVER talk to man when he is read
ing, nor read to a man when he is talk
ing.
AFTER all, it is rare that man gets
utterly at the end of his rope until he is
hanged.
A MAN from PlacervilIe, Cal, when
asked by Saratoga waiter what he
would have for breakfast, replied:
Well, rather guess I'll just flop my
lip over O chicken"
SCENE in court Judge" Have you
anything to offer to the court before the
sentence is passed on you ?" Prisoner
No, Judge had ten dollars, but nay
lawyers took that. )"
cir George had not blowed into the
muzzle of his gun, T" sighed a rural widow
at the funeral of her husband, " he
might have got plenty of squirrels, 1t
was such good day for them"
THE Peoria ReUieU plaintively sings
Poison your neighbor's dog if you can,
For that's the way to do;
| And give him dose
Thatm scuttle his old canoe.
A COUNTRY clergyman, paying pro-
| uieit tO diving ne1OhhOr- who
was very churlish and universally un-
popular man, put the usual question !:
&c Are you willing to go, my friend =.
"Oh YES, - said the sick man, am. !"
"Well," said the simple-minded min
lister, "I am glad you are, for the
neighbors are willing"
| AN economical Iowan, who had a
toothache, determined to remove his
tooth in the Indian fashion. Accord
ingly he bent down a sapling in the
woods, lay down himself and attached a
stout cord to his tooth and the sapling.
Then he touched the spring, and the
next he knew he had jumped over a
grove of about forty small trees and was
trying to get out of small pond that he
happened to alight in.
A DrrTY OF DESPAIR.
The slowly starving editor of a paper
at Brattleboro, VT, drops into poetry as
follows
We had sweet dreams the other night,
When all around was still
We dreamed we saw host OF folks
Pay up their printers bill.
We wish the dream would come to pass,
And our empty pockets fill
| Tar da ump te diddle dunn,
TIE tump te iddle dill.
A DETROIT paper states that last week
man about fifty years of age, accom-
} panied by a wife who looked still older,
applied at the ticket Office of the Cen
tral road for tickets to Jackson. When
told the price he demurred, and asked
, for second-class accommodations. There
} we're none to be had, and after with.
drawing for a consultation he returned
to the window and asked: We'll,
won't you knock off dollar if the old
woman will ride on the platform p
"SAM," said a darkey to his ebony
brother, chow am it dat dis yaa tele.
, graf carries de news froo dem wires ?
"Well, Caesar, now s'pose dar am a dog
} free miles long" "Eebber was such
big dog; DON b'leib dat y "You JEST
g wait minnit Use only illustratin', yor
. stupid nigger. Now, dis yaa dog, yor
3 see, jess puts his front feets on de Ho
boken sho', and he puts his behinc
! feets on de New York sho'." Yesser.
: "Now, s'pose you walk on dis yaa dog
tail in New York" Yesser; i " Hei
L bark, won't he ?" Yesser:" Well
r where will that dog bark ?" "!n Ho
. boken, calc'late." Dat am Jest 1t
y You walk on de dogs tail IN New YORK
g an he bark in Hoboken an dat's d
s way de telegraf works" !" Yesser das
!; soNdasso Your right, by golley."