Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-11-20
PHUNNYGRAMS,
"A handsome thing in ladies' hose

A neat little foot.
A Dubuque banker dropped two
cent piece in the contribution box, and
took out cent for Discount"
-sLoss of a China packet ship" ex-
claimed Mrs Darlington. mo wonder,
when iron ones aren't always safe"
There is something in a name, after
ALL it would seem, as one of the colored
brethren wanted to know if Gerald Massey
was son OF Lorda Massey.
-"She died of corset" is the inscrip-
ton on tombstone in Stenda, Prussia.
A woman Al our elbow says she probably
died corset couldn't be helped.
Just because young man in Evans
vile coughed up gold dollar recently
zens of that place speak boastingly of
their "coughers of gold"
"A photographer in Gloucester, Mass,
has been astOnished by a young woman
who came to ask, meekly and innocently,
Glow long does it take to get a photo
graph after you leave your measure?'
An Iowa schoolmistress had her toe
torn off by lightning the other day. She
simply remarked that it was an untOeard
performance on the part of the lightning,
and kept on with her spelling class.
Anna DEAR if I should attempt to
spell Cupid, why could | not get beyond
the first syllable?" Anna gave it up,
whereupon William said: Because when
| come to u, Of course | cannot 90 any
further"
You needn't come on Saturday
night, or any other night!' was the sooth-
ing remark written in delicate female
characters on postal card which winged
its way through the Leavenworth post
office the other day.
The Danbury Neaos states that the
panic has so far abated as to permit an
Essex street man to return to ten cent
cigars, and he hopes in another month, if
the brightness continues to increase, to
get his boys boots half soled.
"A lady teacher inquired of the men,
bers of class of Juveniles if any of them
could name the four seasons. Instantly
the chubby hand Of a tive-year old was
raised, and promptly came the answer,
"Pepper salt, vinegar and mustard"
"A Missouri girl, on her wedding day.
sold her piano and bought sewing ma
chine, and material enough for suit for
her husband and herself, and at once set
to work making them up. Her husband
bloWed it. In two weeks her four sisters
were all married
Said Sir Boyle O'Roach, of Erin bull
memory, II smell rat, | see him floating
in the air, let us nip him in the bud"
Says paper, as head line to a report of
fire, "a contlagration nipped in the
bud" This metaphor-compounder must
have been mixing his drinks.
Doctor Blank attempted to defend
himself against the facetious assault of
friend by saying: II defy any person
whom | ever attended TO accuse me of
ignorance or neglect" THAT you may
do safely" said his assailant "for you
know, doctor, dead men tell no tales"
At recent tea-party in the High
lands a young man who had been relat
ing his more than wonderful exploits in
various parts Of the globe, was not a lit
tie taken back by the remark of an old
traveller: Young man, amt you ashamed
to talk so when there are older liars at the
table,"
"A marriage between Christian gen
tleman and Jewish lady, not long since,
exercised the minds of some of their
friends "POoh. pooh!" said a gentle
man, why in the world make such fuss
about it. After all, they will only be
bound together like the Old and New Tes-
lament"
A man got up before dawn on a re-
cent Sunday morning, to see the sun rise,
and was shot by the exasperated owner of
a melon-patch, next door In May last he
made similar effort, and was bitten on
the heel by strange dog. He thinks of
ri n Ia 10 aar1yr ric G.,
his family
The owner OF new mOustache was on
the train down yesterday morning. He
gave up all MS attention to his lip. First
he would push the contents upwards, and
then stroke them downwards. Again he
would pull out the ends, and go through
motions calculated to make it part in the
middle. Finally a bushy-bearded man in
a seat opposite leaned across the aisle,
and observed in friendly whisper, vet
loud enough to be heard through the car:
Don't you want to get one or two good
hairs to breed from ?''-Danbury Meas.
-Thirty-two eents!" echoed a woman,
when her grocer charged her that sum for
pound of butter. yes, 'um," he re-
piled, with ? bland smile "You see the
grOcers can't carry much of reserve, and
we can't turn out our collaterals at a sac
ritice. If the Government calls in the
bonds due in 1874 and the imports of bull
lion tend to ease the money market lit
tie, butter must find its level with cverv-
thing else. Butter is very panicky Just
now, but think the worst is over" She
paid the money without further growing.
A lot of MINISTRIES went to a town not
far from Boston lately, and advertised to
give performance for "the benefit of the
pOor-tickets reduced to ten cents" The
hall was crammed full. The next morn
ing committee Of the poor called upon
the Treasurer Of the concern for the
amount said benefit had melted. The
Treasurer expressed establishment at the
demand. 81 thought said the Chairman
OF the Committee, you advertised this
concert for the benefit of the poor" Re
piled the Treasurer: Didn't we put the
tickets down to ten cents SO that the poor
nnJ1lI al