The democrat. [volume] (Weston, W. Va.) 1868-1874, 1873-05-19
Putting up a Family Stove.


Putting up Family Stove.
Putting up n stove is not so difficult
in itself. II is the pipe that raises four
flfths of the mischief and all the dust.
You may take down n stove with all the
care in the world, and have your wife
put away the pipe in asGcurC place, and
vet that pipe won't come together again
as It was before. You find this out when
you are standing on chair with your
arms full Of pipe and your mouth full
of SCOT. Your wife is standing on the
floor in position that enables her to
see you, the pipe, and the chair, and
here she gives utterance to those re-
marks that are calculated to hasten n
man into the extremes Of insanity. Her
dress Is pinned over her waist, and her
hands rest on her hips, She has got
one OF your hats on her head, and your
linen coat on her back, and pair OF
your rubbers on her feet. There is
about FIVE cents worth Of pot-black on
her nose, and q lot Of flour on her chin,
and altogether she is spectacle that
would inspire dead man with distrust.
And while you are up there trying to
circumyent the awful contrariness OF the
pipe, and telling that you know some
fool has been mixing 1t, she stands safe
ly on the floor, and bombartls you with
such domestic notices as: "What's the
use OF swearing SOP" "You know no
one has touched that pipe" lyon ain't
got any more patience than o child"
"Do bo careful Of that chair" And
then she goes of, and reappears with
IN armiul Of more pipe, and before you
are aware OF II, she has got that pipe SO
horribly mixed up that 1t does seem no
pieces are alike.
You Join the ends, and work them to
and fro, and to and fro again, and then
you take them apart and look at them.
Then you spread one out and jam the
other together, and mount them once
more. But it is no go. You begin to
think the pieces are inspired with life,
and ache to kick them through the
window. But she dOsen't lose Ii er
patience. She goes around with that
awfully exasperating rigging on, with n
length Of pipe under each arm, and a
long.handled broom in her hand, and
says she don't see how 1t is some people
never have any trouble putting up a
stove. Then you miss the hammer.
You don't see It anywhere. You stare
into the pipe, along the mantel, and
down on the stove md off To the floor,
Your wife watches you, and is finally
thoughtful enough to inquire what You
are looking after, and on learning, pulls
the article from her pocket. Then you
feel MS II you could go out doors and
swear a hole through block Of brick
buildings, but she merely observes ::
"Why on earth don't you speak when
you wantanything, and not starearound
like dummy" When that part Of the
pipe which goes through the wall is up,
She keeps il up with her broom, while
you arc making the connection, and
stares at it with m intensity that is
entirely uncalled for. All the while
your position is becoming more and
more interesting. The pipe don't go
together, OF course. The SCOT shakes
down into your eyes and month, the
sweat rolls down your face and tickles
your chin, as it drops Of, and it seems
as il your arms are slowly but surely
drawing out their sockets.
Here your wife comes to the rescue
by inquiring II you are going to be all
day doing nothing, and If you think her
arms are made OF cast iron, and then the
broom slips off the Pipe, and in her
endeayor to recover her hold she iabs
you under the chin with the handle,
and the pipe comes down on your head
with its load OF fried SCOT, and then the
chair tits forward enough to discharge
your feet, and you come down on the
wrong end Of that chair with force
that would bankrupt pile driver. You
don't touch that stove again. You
leave your wife examining the chair
and bemoaning its injuries, and go into
the kitchen and wash your skinned and
bleeding hands with yellow soap. Then
you 20 down street after man to do
the business, and your wife goes over
to tho neighbors with her chair, and
tells them about its injuries, and drains
the neighborhood dry Of It's sympathy
long before you get home.-Danbiry
Netgs.