The Van Buren press., 1873-07-15
Doesticks on Emotional Insanity.

] want to know aboat this emotion
ally " insane business-whsrc 1t begins
and where and how it ends, Does it ex'
euse = man for participation in battle
murder and sudden death, and ye
won't let him up in case he should d.
smotonally insane enough to help him
self to pint Of peanuts, couple OF ap
Piles, or double handful of those friet
grasshoppers sold at the street corners
under the guise Of " shrimps J!
Because, you know, the thing is getting
serious When, last Thursday night,
was awakened by my landlady, who sale
there was burglar in the parlor, tho 7
| did a magnaRlmous thing when re
marked to him, 60 West, young man
go Wcst!' instead of shooting at hin
with my pistol, the said pistol, however
hadn't been loaded for year, and Il
wasn't more than half as big as the two
the gentleman carried in his hands, ano
was mere baby pistol to either OF The
four or five Others the distinguished Wis
itor had in his belt. As this gentleman
ly, though unexpected guest passed out
he quietly whispered to me, over tho bar
rel Of one of his vicious pocket batteries
Don't yeu provoke me; I'm emotion
ally insane.
SO, as ! didn't want to do any injury
to a person SO afflicted, | sat still and
saw him emotionally walk of at his own
envenicnt leisure Strange to say, this
a. oxtaulal ~ anlf a all tina
yer forks, spoons and napkin rings; to
all the table ornaments, fancy candle
sticks, and other small articles.
| didn't like to see the fellow taking
my grandmother pearl necklace, ana
took the liberty of saying SO. Mr. Ihiel
simply put the end Of his shooter to my
head, and in the most matter of-fact way
whispered "cmoton u subsidized
Thief No. ., under the thorough su-
pervisloa and command Of No |, hshed
ont certain golden medals and Other
prizes, won by certain family somebo'
dies, who are nobodies now, but which
trophies are very dear to my grandmoth'
er from whom | expect all the great eA
pectations ever expect to have sug'
gested to the gentleman who was making
himself so much at home on short ac'
quaintancc, that he'd oblige me by lcav-
inc those things alone. Again CANE
forth the ready butt or speedy pistol
and with the single word, d" Emotional, >
to which his companion supplemented
" Get out now, and bc quick about it, y
| was for the time dismissed the august
presence The man said that the only
reason he didn't kick me down my own
stairs was, that he feared so clumsy 4
fellow as | would be likely to break thro'
the floor and alarm the rest of he house
Now I'm coming to the point-those
very identical fellows were caught by the
police coming out Of tho very next house
In court their lawyer plead " emotional
insanity " and kleptomania, " and got
them all off free These fellows paid
their lawyers with the pawn tickets OF
the very property which these same re-
spectacle practitioners had convinced
tho intelligent jury had never been seen
by their much slandercd clients.
1t naturally occurred to me TO try on
the emotional insane" dodge--therc
were 50 many things that ! wanted and
couldn't get, except in an exceptional
manner
Thought Id begin sort Of quietly
Went to seven different tailors and or
dered suits of clothes; to bootmaksrs
and ether tradesmcn the same.
At night, my landlady said she was an
noycd by a butcher and grocer, who
actually wanted pay "Ill settle EN-,
SAID went in with piece Of three feet
gas pipe, and in few minutes Mr.
Butchers head looked like one of his
own bcefsteaks, then went for Mr. Gro
Ger man; cleaned out his shop in about
two minutes, and fixed Mr.. Grocer SC
that ho could not have told his own from
one of his cabbage heads Landlady
thanked me, and would have kissed me
only like my kisses grown on younger
stock
Msrning-Man came; man said hi
was officer man--polce officer man sale
he wanted to arrest me for knocking peo
pie about; told officer man that wa:
emotionally insane; officer man said he
didn't know my friend Mr.. Notionally
Blame, but could send for him il lik
ed to pay dollar for the privilege tool
advantage Of officer mans inadvertence
and beltcd officer man over the head will
his own club; officer man howlod fol
help; these officer men can howl FOL
bel p through tin whistle at rate tha
would astonish you; next thing ! re
mbered, after the simultaneous de
scent on my head Of seventeen two too
clubs, was waking up in the station
house in bed saturated with some sor
% crimson fluid, as II had been taking
a swim in my own blood, which was
pretty much the truth Of the matter.
asked why had been dubbed, anc
said | was emotionally insane. They
said they had all got it, too, and got u
bad, like Sparrowgrassss' horse had th'
heaves Next day came into court, ane
my lawyer man, when asked what l hac
to say, tried on the " insane dodge. i
succeeded The Judge at once discharg
ed me, and left the court triumphant
That night my lawyer man came to SCI
me, and said he wanted money. " Mon
ey, :" said /, "for what. Why, fol
getting you off to day." said he; " for il
it hadn't been for me, you'd have got
year in the pehtentiary.
picked up tho poker and remarked
.. Young man, I'm insane-only emotion
ally so, however, but feel the emotion
coming on strong just now. We'll, SIR
Il ,o,,, man deficd and dared