The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1873-05-27
A BARnRr.rs Rnrrrp1sr.-Rn ha,

A BARBER.Us ENTEPRIsE.-We have
conceived scheme by which we are go
ing TO get even with the BARRIERS. This
scheme has long occupied our mind, but
never before have we had the opportunity
Of carrying 1t out.
We are going to start barber shop and
shave only BARRIERS, Of coune we will do
a smashing business; but we've calculated
all this and have come to the conclusion
that the good VIC will do the human
family will make ample compensation for
any triiing pecuniary loss we may sus-
tain. The end will justify the means. Our
shop shall be model Of cleanliness. The
assistants have strict orders TO allow oil
the paths through 1t to be kept free from
hair and other distractions, and under
the chairs the hair is never to be allowed
to attain greater depth than eighteen
inches. The chairs arc 10 be old and very
smooth and sleek with grease. They will
be perfect in this respect. All the Vermin
in them will be blOoded stoCk-none Of
your common stock. The towels used are
to be stained with the blood Of many vic.
Tins; and all scCnted-scented with age
and use and will be changed regularly
every three months; their color will be
pleasant TO the eye being cross between
black and dirt color, with the
latter predominating The apron used
in cutting hair will DO warranted water
proof, and is neatly marked with the
dyeipg OF many BARRIERS. The razOrs
used are to be models Of utility and will
be made at enormous cost for this estab-
llshment They will always take hold and
never let go. They will be filed regularly
after every customer, and vii! always
have nice rough edge, and will be war
ranted to give the face Of the customer a
good color, something resembling raw
beeisteak. The combs will be made of
steel, and the teeth are TO be kept rough,
and by special order are never 10 be
cleaned, while the points will be filed
every day. The brushes will be the same
as any ordinary hair bruises, only the bris.
ties are TO be made Of wire, nicely sharp.
ened. This will also be kept good and
dirty, and the vermin nests in it will be
destroyed at the loss of the BARRIERS situa.
ton. The oil used in oiling hair is 10 be
made Of extra strong lard, scented with
garlics, and will be very pleasant to the
smell and conducive to health. The
shaving soap will be the best Of soft soap,
with an extra allowance Of lye. The
lathGr brushes are TO be made Of good
stiff bristles, such as shoe makers use
for putting on their wax ends. The
BARRIERS will have special instructions
to always put few OF these bristles up
the customers nostrils, and plenty Of the
lather in his eyes, ears and mouth. The
sponges will be imported expressly for
this establishment; they arc to have plen-
ty Of sand and mussGl shells in them,
which will never come out. The scissors
will cut bite in at least six strokes, and
will always chsw'the ends Of the hair of
perfectly rough and uneven.
But these things will amount to but lit
tlc-will only be triaes in comparison
with the great attraction OF the establish
ment-thc barber himself We will feed
him on weak diet Of asafGtida, whisky
and tobacco, which will impart rich per-
fumc TO his breath. Every drop Of tobac.
co juice dropping from the corners of his
mouth on to the customer will have to be
paid for, as it will be impossible to lurn-
ish such luxuries for nothing, and where
these drops enter the customers eye three
prices will be charged, and he will always
hit the eye II possible. The BARRIERS per-
sonal appearance will be very attractive;
his linen coat is never TO be changed
nor washed; his shirt will be
highly ornamented with blood stains
and tobacco juice, and Is 10 be
changed every Christmas; in all cases he
Is to make a clean show Of OF least six
inches Of shirt, between the wsistband Of
his pantaloons and the bottom Of his vest;
his slippers will be loose and liable to
drop of, while his socks will be changed
as often as his shirt. While shaving a
customer the BARRIERS are expected 10 &C
quaint him with all the news, such as
cock fights, dog fights and any choice
morsels Of scandal he may have stored up
in his master mind. He will be instruct.
ed to highly embcllish his conversation
with choice oaths, and the customers will
all be expected to join in tho chorus. Of
course, full supply Of dyes, tonics that
will cover bald head with hair in "a
hours, lotions that will dry up pimples in
@ hours by the clock, hair. oil that will
never allow your hair 10 turn grey or fall
out, &c, &C., will be constantly kept on
hand. These wares are to be forced upon
the customers II possible, and the barber
will recite the many effects aud cures they
have wrought. That your hair will al.
ways need cutting and your moustachc
and whiskers dying and trimming, are
matters OF course; and that the lint from
the towels will stick good and tight to
your clothes is to be understood.
That's about all worth mentioning.
Such little attentions as taking you by
the ears to raise you in the chair, rubbing
the towel against the grain" alter shaw.
ing &c, are matters Of small consequence,
but will go towards making the place at
tractive, as we will keep only muscular
men.
To this model shop VIC invite every
barber in the land, that thinks any Of
the above hints will be Of any benefit to
him. Well try and make 1t pleasant for
them, ss no expense will be spared to
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