Juniata sentinel and Republican. [volume] (Mifflintown, Juniata County, Pa.) 1873-1955, 1873-12-10
Humorous.

FKD WITH THE WRAIHn.-We never
knew more than one man who was per-
fectly satisfied with the weather at all
times and under all circumstances. 1t
was Chubb. In summer, when the
Thermometer bolted up among the
nineties, Chubb would come to the
front door with beads Of perspiration
standing out all over his red face until
his head would look like . raspberry,
and would look at the sky and say
"Splendid-perfectly splendid (! Noble
weather for the poor and for the ice
companies and the washer-woman
They don't shake mp such climate as
this in Italy. Gimme my umbrella,
Harriet, while / sit out yer on the steps
and enjoy it." In winter, when the
mercury would creep down fifteen de-
grees below zero, and the cold was
severe enough to freeze the inside OF
Vesuvius solid to the center of the
globe, Chubb would sit out on fence
and e1claim, "By Jingol did you ever
see such weather as this? I like an
atmosphere that freezes up yoor very
maIrer. 1t helps the coal trade and
keeps the snakes quiet. Don't talk of
summertime to me. Gimme cold and
give it to me stiff" When there was a
drought, Chubb used to meet us in the
street and remark, "No rain yet, see
Magnificent, isn't it? 1 want my
weather dry want it with the damp
ness left out. Moisture breeds fever
and ague, and vets your clothes. If
there's anything despise, it's to carry
an umbreller. No rain for me, if you
please" When it rained for a week,
and swamped the country, Chubb often
dropped in to see us, and to observe,
81 dunno how you feel about this yer
rain, but it allus seems to me that the
heavens never drops no blessings but
when We have a long wet spell. It
makes the corn jump. and cleans the
sewers. wouldn't give a cent to live
in climate where there was no rain.
Put me on the Nile and I'd die in .
week. Soak me through and through
to the inside of my undershirt, and I
feel as if life was bright and beautiful,
and sorter nothing but nonsense.
Chubb was always happy in thunder
storm. He would say, "Put me in q
thunderstorm and let the hghtnin' play
around me and I'm at home. I'd rather
have one storm that d tear the inside out
of the continent than a dozen of yer
little dribblin' waterin' pot showers. If
l can't have rippin' and roarin' storm
1 don't want nome" One day Chubb
was upon his roof fixing shingle, when
tornado struck him, lifted him of,
and carried him a quarter of a mile,
and dashed him with such terrible
force against fence that his leg was
broken. As they carried him home we
met him, and when We asked him how
he felt, he opened his eyes and Ian
guidly said, Immortal powers what q
storm that was When it does blow,
it suits the senior member of the Chubb
family if it blows hard. I'd give both
my legs if we could have a squan like
that every day. IL" Then he
tainted. We want Chubb elected Presi-
dent. He is the only man in the uni
verse who don't growl at the weather,
and he ought to have glory and honor.
The WISE NEwsBoY.-A little news
boy in ragged jacket and one suspen-
der, confronted teller at one of our
savings banks the other day, and de-
manded to know if ''she was all right
meaning the bank-because, if she was,
he didn't mean to be scared if everyone
else was. The teller assured him the
money was ready at any moment. "Nuf
said tween gentlemen but 1 don't
want it, and with self-satisfied air he
walked out of the bank.
'1s she good ?" cried two or three
other newsboys, awaiting the result at
the door steps. Eyes, STREE as good
as wheat. Catch our bank to stop
Yoos ought to seed the gold seed in
the safe. More'n a house full. An
yoos don't ketch this feller a making q |
fool of hisself and drawing it out. I
amt so green, / amt"
At the same bank a man who drew |
out his deposits was so intoxicated he |
could scarcely stand. Probable he lost |
the savings of years before night.
CLAY's JOKE ON ADAMs.-Henry Clay |
had a standing joke, which he never
failed to perpetrate, at John Quincy
Adams expense, when he caught his |
Massachusetts, colleague in a congenial
crowd. Adams was afflicted during his
whole life with disease of the lachry-
NAL duct, which caused his optics to be
constantly watery. The two occupied
the same apartment, and a rosy and
buxom Swiss damsel attended the room.
Clay's story was that, upon his attempt
ing to snatch kiss from his handsome
char rbermaid, he was bluffed off, 20,
Mr.. Clay, you must not, for Mr.. Adams
a few minutes ago begged me, with tears
in his eyes, for a similar favor, and I
refused him T.
A SECT has been organized in Austria
called "Suspirants. The members
atone for their sins by sigbing
size of the sigh being in proportion to
the size of the sin-and forgiveness is
certain if the suspiratory
effort is prompt and satisfactory. What
a happy thought for lovers. Their sins
can scarcely be recorded ere they are
sighed out-provided they Join the new
sect, for the blessing does not descend
upon out-sigh-ders.
A PRACTICAL JOKE WITH AN UNHAPPY
ENDNG.-A fun-loving little wife of
Manayunk borrowed a neighbor's baby
and put it on her doorstep, and then
it and "went for" Brown.
The result was more than satisfactory.
Brown "squealed," and said: "Why,
gave her three hundred dollars and
sent her to Chicago last week r. And
the joking wife is after divorce.
An Irish gentleman, building house,
ordered pit to be dug to contain the
heaps of rubbish left by the workmen.
His steward asked him what he should
do with the earth dug out of the pit.
Make it large enough to hold both the
rubbish and the earth, to be sure" said
be.
Use AND ABUsE.-Old Gent-"You
1on't mean to tell me, waiter, that you
amt give me toothpick ?"
Waiter-"Well, sir, We used to keep
EN-, but the gents almost invariably
;ook 'em away when they'd done with
en-"
CANDID = simultaneously. - Host
smacking his lips)-"Now. what do