The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1873-07-17
SEWING MACHINE AGENTS.
By JERusHY PERKINS.

BY JERUSHY PERKINS.
There's two things on this airth that there
baint no escape from! And them is death ana
sewing machine agents.. ,,t
Lightning rod men lsreanamost as Dao' Due
don't quite come up to the mark.
You NAV turn, and twist, and plan, and con-
triye. and argyfy, and lay yourself out glneral-
". but YOU can't git rid of a sewing machine
He'll stop to dinner, and pick his teeth with
vour hest silver forks while he tells you about
the yirtoos and graces of the lock stitch, ana
the unoer feed and the improved shettle, and
all that kind of talk, that every ybody knows so
well. And I've took notice that he is glneraiiy
a nice looking man, and that makes ltwuss Ior
ye, because no woman, as is woman, can De
onpolite to handsome man, with toy SIDE
whiskers, and modess looking boots, ana onix-
pressibles
machine men have been pestering me to buy
machines. They left every kind of machine
under the sun for me to try, and I've done up
INV sowing on them and it haint cost me cent
And when the agents would come round Ia
;ist tell ,,em the machines didn't exactly suit
me, and they'd carry 'em off agin.
But this spring / come. across new agent.
His name is Whicksy Rather an uncommon
name. and he is ar uncommon man. Ellen
Sophier says he is beauty, and she should
fall In love with him if it wasn't Tor Arthur
Grey, and then Arthur gets suiky, and sne mas
30 kiss him, and twiddle with his mustache,
and call him her cold darling about nall an
hour afope he'll come round right.
Mr.. Whicksy he was determined TO sell me a
sowing machine. 1t was new kind OF one;
II had all the improvements, and some besides j
m would do all Kinds of work that ever was
done. and about fifty kinds thatd never been
doneI It was light running little thing. 1t
never got out of repair. You couldn't run 1t
wrong If Won tried 1t was fun to operate 1t.
Queen Victoria had one she made all her night
rounds and things on herself. Ginral Grants
wife had one that all the Ginrals shirts was
sowed on. That was what made him sucn
close man. His clothes was sowed up close.
A person who once had this machine would
rather die than part with it The agent hlm.
self had rather be burned at the stake than not
have this wonderful machine So had his wl1e
So had all his folks, including his grandma and
his mother-in-law's grandma, which was one
hundred and two, and had all her reasons, and
had strowed flowers before Washington, and
oorla repeat the catechism from one end TO
totber and could see to thread her needle with
Won't tell the right name of this machine,
because it would be kind of unfair-so I'll just
call it for handy, the Queen.
It was cheap. Forty dollars cheaper than
t1,e.sther kinds of machines, and forty dollars
is worth, saving. Forty dollars will buy nice
hog: and at the last election forty dollars
would buy almost any mans vote IN Flgeon
Holler.
That agent was too much for yer Aunt Jeru-
shy, and She collapsed, after he'd stayed to our
house three days, and bought his machine.
I had it sot in the sitting room. The DAY
after bought it went to making some nlgn.
pounds like Queen Victoria. The thing went
On q little while, and then it went backwards
I couldn't stop it to save me! The more
trotted nv feet the more it went the wrong
wayl BY and by the shettle hoped out and
bounced onto the floor, and the cat grabbed 1t
and kited for the wood-shed, and after her
with the broom!
I got the shettle and went to work agin.-
The under thread broke. Then the upper
Then the under. Then the upper, and 80 on
for half an hour. ] fixed the under tension
Then fixed the upper tension. Then l txed
both of them. Then lied the thing. Then
tightened the belt and went at it. Both threads
broke together now. took the critter apart
and looked into his in'ards. put him togeth-
or agin, and sot a new needle. sowed a few
stitches, and then there was a crash Needle
broke. Sot another one. Got it too high. Il
didn't reach into the shuttle race. Sot it lower
Got it too low, and broke the pint off. Sot an
other. It skipped stitches.
Then the belt come apart.
give it up, and made the night gounds b!
hand.
Next day there was spot of lie on my set
tinr room carpet as big as yer hand, where tn
lie had run off from that machine.
I tried it agin in day or two. Had jus
about the same performance over agin.
The next day the same thing, and so on 70
week.
Then got mad and swore revenge on tina
machine agent.
watched for him, and in about fortnigh
T seed him driving by as fast as ever his hos
could travel. grabbed basin of corn an,
run out. He clucked to the hoss, but it wasn'
no use-the annernlile had caught sight O
that corn, and wasn't to be got by with cluck
Mr. Whieksy had TO stop.
I told him about the machine, and asked
him to take it back and give me my thirt,
collars. He LATED at me and lit cigar, ant
.sed he didn't make no such bargains as tina
ere When he made trade, he made it. Ant
then he clucked to the boss. But that hos
was conscientious beast, and with his eye OF
that corn he didn't bulge an inch:
The agent got out of his waggin, and uset
some insulting langwidge to me. He cailet
ne an old termy- -grunt, and sed Jonathan Per
kins was to be pitied.
And he sed he'd have me arrested for stop
ping him on the public highway.
Then mi indignation riz seized him BY
the collar, and / shook him with all my might
H.