The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1873-03-15
VARIETY.

q. W. Holmes saws that with most men life is
like backgammon-half skill and half luck.
\ Tennessee candidate wants the support of
those "a who fought both sides during the
war.
Two ladies cOntended for precedence at the
Court of Charles V. They appealed to the Mon
arch, who, like solomon, awarded - let the elder
go first" Such dispute was never known
alterward.
An exchange wants to know, when marriage
~ announced, with the accompanying expression,
- No cards. what does it mean Western
editor il surprised ut his cotempOrary's ignOr-
nnce, and says 1t means they don't play poker.
AMPLE ExPERrEScE.-That was a cool Scottish
a. aside " of an old dealer who, when exhorting
his son 20 honesty in his dealings, ON the ground
Of its being the g best policy quietly added,
- hae tried bath
lady gave a burglar a very severe fogging
with dusting brush the other night. She said
she wouldn't have done it II she hadn't been un-
der the impression that it was her husband just
coming home,
An ardent lover, pouring out his passionate de-
votiOn in verse, spoke of that night when, walk
ing with his sweetheart, he &" kissed her under
the silent stars In print he was made to say
that ho had 50 kicked her under the cellar stairs
Mr.. Taylor, the late sailor-preacher. OF Boston,
astonishCd n divine who had refused to enter his
pulpit because Unitarian minister had been in
1t, by falling his knees the pulpit stairs and
crying out, - o Lord, deliver us in Boston from
two things, bad rum and bigOtry: Thou know
est which is worst, for DON'T"
You are the dullest boy I ever saw, - Grossly
exclaimed headed old uncle to his nephew.
a. Well. UNCLE" replied the youth, with glance
at the old geuteman's bald-head, you can't ex-
pect me TO understand things as quickly as you
do, because you don't have the trouble OF get
ting en- through your hair
THE CONSCIENCE CLAUSE. - Working man
"Ain't you going to send that boy of yours to
school, BIIl2" Bill go, will |? He went
one day. and when he came home he told me il
was repr'ensible to get drunk! Think I'll have
p'rental ieelin's outraged, an all the sweet and
oily union Of 'ome 'hecti1n broke up by swels
teNchin' Of him? Come an stan pint!
Kate Stanton. in her lecture on % The Loves OF
Great Men, asserts that planets revolve around
the sun by the influence Of love like n child re-
wolves about its parents. When the writer was
boy be used to reyOlye around his parents good
deal. and may have been melted thereto By love,
hut 10 an unprejudiced observer it looked power
fully like a trunk strap
Ambitious editor to his hopeful scion
' Charles. are YOU good at conundrums? 90 Yes,
father, YOU know l cannot tell lIe.'' I" Right,
Charles. YOU will yet conquer new world. But,
Charles why the babies of matinee audience
like the sub-heads in a neWsPaPer2'' e. Because
they il in small elps, father /" Brave boy, you
will yet stand ON the burning deck"
You nav remember that Iectured lately for
the young gentlemen of the Claytonian Society.
During the afternoon of that day was talking
with one Of the young gentlemen referred TO, and
he said he had an uncle who, from some cause or
another, seemed 70 have grown permanently
bereft Of all emotion And with tears in his
~ = l. a IL. Il Il
see him laugh once more Oh it / could only
see him weep" ] was touched / could never
withstand distress I said - Bring him to my
lecture. III start him for you :. On if You
eouId but do it. IL You could but do it. all our
family would bless YOU for evermOre, for he Is
very dear 10 us. oh, my benefactOr. You
make him laugh2 Can you bring soothing tears
TO those parched Orbs2'' / was profoundly moved.
/ said e. Ny son, bring the old party round. l
have got some jOkes in my lecture that will make
him laugh if there is any laugh in him, and if
they miss fire have got some others that'll make
him cry or kill him, one OF the other" Then
the Young man wept on my neck, and presently
spread both hands on my head, and looked up
toward heaven, mumbling something reyerently,
and then he went after his uncle. He placed
him IN full view, in the second row Of benches,
that night, and l began on him. / tried him
with mild Jokes, then with severe ones dOsed
him with bad jokes, and riddled him with good
ones fired old stale jokes into him, and peppered
him fore and aft with red hot new ones. warmed
ND % nv work and assaulted him on the right
and left, in front and behind fumed and charged
and shouted till | was hOarse and sick, and frantic
and furious-but | never moved him once: /
never started a smile or tear. Never ghost of
a smile. and never a suspicion of moisture /
was astoun led. | closed the lecture at last with
one despairing shriek-with one wild burst of
humor-and hurled joke of supernatural atrocity
full at him. IL never phased him Then | sat
down bewIldered and exhausted. The president
of the society came up and bathed my head with
cold water and said - What made you carry
ON so towards the last?' | said, % l was trying
"a make that confounded old idiot laugh in the
second row." Abe be said, g Well, you were
wasting your time, because he Is deaf and dumb
and as blind as badger" Now, was that any
wav for that old mans nephew to impose on a