The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1873-07-11
RAEES OF ADVERTISING
2 In: 9 In: s N: Z G: 3 81 % g: %
TUMBLE BUGS.

:. that makes home howl.
Jones, who has lately been mar
ried, says that courtship is bliss
;, but matrimony is blister.
1t is said that the world owes ev.
cry man living, but great mant
men are too lazy to collect il.
A minister walked six miles TO
marry couple lately. He said he
felt sort of fee.biil like. The groom
saw it.
A book entitled Lectures to
Married Men" has appeared in Esq
land. Have they not had their
share already?
Gle is dead but he pays just as
well as he ever did" was the reply
the Belfast Journal got to dunning
letter.
There amt no trusting an Injun;
He's eataw ampOuS cuss.
And when he's doing OF suthin bad.
He's wishing twas suthin wuss
1t is sad, but true, that the initials
of Sons of Temperance spell "sof, =
and that those of the Independent
order of Good Templars stand for
II once got Tight"
! During the war a letter written
by rebel soldier to his sweetheart
was captured, wherein the writer
said: 1--WE viii lick the yanks two
morer if godlemity spares our life. /"
There was a true sense of the de-
light of intimacy in the girl who
declared that she never loved her
lover so well as when she told him
how many pair of stockings she had
got.
An eccentric old fellow who lives
alongside of graveyard was asked
If 1t was not an unpleasant location.
"No," said he, 81 never lined places
in all my life with a set of neigh
bors that minded their own business
so stiddy as they do"
To thee, were l stiekIebaek
I'd swim as fast as inns can move,
To thee, were n hunters hack,
I'd gallop on the wings of love,
But, as Pm but a simple man,
I'll come by train, love--if l can!
Milwaukee has long been celebra-
ted as having the finest lager beer
in this country. 1t now has n now
school board composed of the fol-
lowing gentlemen Hundhausen,
KuenZle, Wasweller, Zeigier,
Schnurstein, Freitag, Koetting,
Meinccke, Runcle, Obermann and
Trumf.
A young man Lying near Detroit
| Inquired of the city officials if they
were going to celebrate the Foruth
of July. Because" said he, ''if
you are going to sling powder and
have whooping old time, | want
to get red wooden shirt and a pair
of new boots, and come in with
Sarah"
'Is Pat Flanagan on board this
ship 2" roared Nelson, during a lull
in the firing at the battle of the
Nile. "I am here, my Lord" said
Erin's son, showing himself on the
deck. "Then," said the gallant Mel
son, looking satisfied, 'let the battle
proceed" That story is Pats.
The wife of a Methodist minister
in Tennessee has been seriously i'll
for some time, but, says Southern
paper in announcing the fact.
''hopes arc entertained that she will
recover" And then adds, "Let
him (the husband) have the sympa-
thy and prayers of his brethren i'm
this hour of affection and discour-
ment."
And pious souls there are who view
The world through goggles colored blue;
And others who have never seen,
Except through goggles colored gfcen.
al hope you will be able to sup
port me-" said q young woman,
while walking out with her intend
ed during a somewhat slippery state
of the pavement. "Why, yes" re-
piled the somewhat hesitating SWAIN
with little assistance from your
fatheL." There was some confusion
and profound silence.
That was a good, though a rather
severe, pun which was made by n
student in one of our theological
seminaries (and he was not one of
the brightest of the class either,
when he asked, "Why is Professor
-- the greatest revivalist of the
age 2" and on all "giving it up" said,
because, at the close of every SER
mon there is great awakening"
"Josh Billings says, 'sMackereI
inherit the sea generally; but those
which inhsbit the grocery alwuz
taste to me as though they had been
fattened on salt. They want deal
of freshning before they're eatcn,'
and also aTterward. If can have
mackerel for breakfast, i can gener-
ally make the the other two meals
of water"
She bIushed, and saw all the roses grow
paler
With envy and longing. She lifted her
With a shy, feigned ex preston that could
not avail her,
! knew tina. she felt neither fear nor
surprise.
A gentleman, whose morning
dram had been a little too much for
him, in saddIing his horse got the
saddle wrong end foremost. just
as he was about to mount, q Ger
man friend came up and called his
attention to the mistake. The
horseman gazed for q moment at
the intruder, as If in deep thought,
and then said: 'sYou let that saddle
alone. How do you know which way
l am going.
ma individualhavipg been convict
ed upon rather slight evidence, the
Judge proceeded to pass Judgment
as follows: prisoner at the bar.
you have been found guilty by a
jury Of your countrymen, of a crime
which subjects you to the penalty
of death. You say you are inno-
cent-the truth of that assertion is
only known TO yourself and God.
1t is my duty TO leave you for exc
cution. If guilty, you richly de-
serve the fate which awaits Won: If
innocent, it will be g qualification
to feel that you were hanged with
out such crime on your conscience.
In either case you will be delivered
from world of care.p
BoUGHT AND aSoLI,."-A London
correspondent is accountable for the
following: The story goes that one
night lately Mr.. Knatehbull Huges-
sen and another honorable member
were in conversation in the lobby
of the house, when young Mr. Levy,
the managing proprietor of the
Daily Telegraph; ertered and nod
ded familiarity to the Parliamentary
dignitaries. "An extraordinary
man that" remarked the Colonial
Secretary TO his honorable friend:
fthave you heard that he has bought
the Times 2" "You do not tell me
SO ?" was the reply she must have
paiG an enormous sRID for it." "Oh,
no" said the Secretary, "only three
pence"
Aye, tenderiy close his eyeIids.
In the sleep Of the tyrant death,
Composing his cold limbs sadly,
With tears and bated breath.
the GlO0a NAV above him harden.
With the turf, or the chilling snow
Oh bury your dog in the garden,
He'll make the cabbages grow.