Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1873-11-13
Facetie.

Facetie.
THE "chisl amang ye takin' notes."
is now taking certified checks.
GEORGE SHOE applies for a divorce at
st. Louie. If his wife's left, he is
right.
RoscoE CoNKL1Na has sold bis wash
ingtcn residence for $27,O00-$10, 900
more than 1t cost him.
"HAvE you heard my last song7"
asked music writer of q gruff critic.
II hope So was the reply.
A YOUNG man at musical party be-
ing told to "bring out the old lyre,"
brought out his mother.in-law.
The burglars jimmy is q curious
boy; he is always prying into other
peoples business.
WY is a recruiting sergeant like the
wind3 Because he blows whore he
listeth.
WHILE witnessing game of base
ball out west, boy was struck on the
back of his head, the bawl coming out
of his mouth.
Toxnx can't see why people will per
sist in calling what Shakespeare wrote
his works, when We all know the book
is filed with plays.
IT is suggested that Nh. Sumner
print his lecture on the Z" "Unity Of the
Republic" since he is too infirm to de-
liver it in public.
PUNCH wishes to know what is the
difference between fixed stars and shoot
ing stars. The answer is, that the one
are suns and the other darters-
"PooR Jim Wayne! !" remarks an
Indiana paper, che has gone where
bartenders don't scowl when a man
fills the glass up!"
der, lately, for a clock. He said he
should prefer one made by Tempus
Fugit, as all the best clocks in the
neighborhood had that name ON the
face!
"SMA11 thanks to you, sir" said
q plaintiff to one Of his witnesses. t'for
what you have said in the cause" ':Ah,
SIR" said the conscientious witness,
"but just think of what I didn't say!"
A VERMONT woman Who recently fol-
lowed the remains of her rather irregu-
lar husband to the grave, afterwards
remarked that she had one consolation
she knew now where he slept nights.
"Dm David, son of Jesse, murder
Uriah, the Hittite2" We give it up.
With the Goodrich and the Nathan
murders still unsolved We caDnot go
back to Uriah's case.
An editor once wrote: Eve have
received basket of strawberries from
Mr.. Smith, for which receive our COM
pliments, some of which are four inches
in circumference"
MIR. Smith is bound to have his joke.
His wife walked nearly in front of :.
railroad train the other day, and he
said If she had gone step farther his
children would have had step-mo-
ther.
Eka11sH tourist (having arrived at
Greenock on Sunday morninge"Ay
man, what's your charge for rowing
me across the Frith9' Boatman-
"Weel, sir, I was jist thinkin' I Gamma
break the Sawbath day for no less than
fifteen shull'ns!"
Az imaginative Irishmen gave utter
ance to this lamentation: 81 re-
turned to the halls Of my fathers by
cried aloud, Ny fathers, where are
they9 An echo responded-tIs that
you, Patrick Mccarthy 2"
A WITNESS in court, about to he
sworn, being told by the clerk to hold
up his right hand, Immediately held up
his left. '.Hold up your right hand-"
':Please ypur honor" said the witness,
still holding up his left hand, I'm
left-handed." -
TINS il from the Augusta (Ga.)
Chropicle: "Delinquent subscribers
should not permit their daughters to
wear this paper for hustle. There
being 60 much due on 1t, there is dam
ger Of taking cold"
"WHY," asked . governess of her
little charge, edo We pray to God to
give us our daily bread Why don't
We ask for four days, or five days, or a
week I" We want it fresh, " replied
the ingenious chlld.
"PRA1, Miss o." said gen
so s fond Of ofscerss :" CHOW stupid!''
replied Miss c., sis it not natural
and proper that Il; a lady should like a
good offer, sir I"
HERE is q stanza said to be very pop
ular in the mountains Of Virginia:
| s. Nv mind is sOt in that faT-Of land,
Where there's heaps OF salt snd streets OF
Don't sit iu my way yen sinful man,
For I'm on my journey home."
"I WANT you to pay me that thirty
dignsnt newsboy to = boot-black yes
currency, Jamesey," responded the
burnisher, =" but I can give you a GER
tilted check"
A prous but uneducated Judge clos
ed a sentence with the following
touching reproach "Prisoner at the
bar, nature has endowed you with a
good education and respectable family
Connections, instead of which you 60
around the country stealing ducks"
An absent-minded man entered \
Troy shoe store the other day, and
wanted his boy measured for pair of
shoes. ssBut where's the boy Z" asked
tho dealer. "TLunder!" said the
man; "I've left the boy at home !! I'll
go and get him :" and of he started for
his house, six blocks away.
LITTLE ToauY didn't disobey msm-
ma, and go in swimming, did he3 )"
"No, mamma Jimmy Brown and the
rest Of the boys went in, bat I remem-
bcred, and would not disobey you" !"
"And Tommy never tells lies, does
he I" "No, mamma; or ! couldn't 60
to Heaven" "Then how does Tommy
happen to have on Jimmy Browns
shirt Z"
DocroR," " said lady to her physi-
clan, "dont You think the small bon
nets that the ladies wear nowadays
have tendency to produce congestion
of the brain3" "No. madam. Where
You SGT one of those bonncts, there is
no brain to congest."
"Now, young people," says Pro
fessor Of Natural History. to his class,
"now, then, a. to hens. A hen has the
capacity of laying Just six hundred
eggs, and no more, and she finishes the
job in just five years. Now, what is to
be done with her after that +" Z" Cut
her head off and sell her for Spring