Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1873-01-24
HumOr.

"wby, cleared my pockets"
The Boston Investigator thinks that if
Adam is accountable for consequential dam
ages" he will have rough time Of it.
A friend wrote to another: Dear Bob
I will be with you, V , on Tuesday, but
if not, will be sure to come on Wednesday"
Tennessee doctors have a bard time Of it.
If a patient lives they seldom pay, and if
he dies the rest Of the family want to shoot
the physician.
At Marysville, the young men who sit
up Sunday nights, burning wood, are ex"
pected to call round Saturday afternoons
and cut supply.
Prudent Connecticut clergymen complete
the marriage ceremony by giving tull H.
structions how to procure divorce /; at least
80 says the Savannah News.
When a new town is started on the
plains, Chicago drumners camp out and
wait for the new stores to be completed, to
sell the owners bill Of goods.
An agent for South Kansas newspaper
lately travelled one hundred miles afoot to
collect one hundred dollars on subscriptions
past due. He raised two dollars.
A fashionable young lady dropped one OF
her false eyebrows in church pew, ans
badly frightened young man next to her,
who thought it was his moustache.
You can secure one faithful mourper at
your funeral by always Lending your mora
ing paper to your neighbor. He will trul,
grieve when he bends above your coffin.
TIE gentleman SO often spoken of in nov
els, who riveted people with his gaze, ha'
obtained work in boiler mandatory with
extra pay, on account Of his peculiar faculty
Scarfs should match the pantaloons 10
colour, but young men who are determined
to wear red neckties need not buy red pan
falcons unless they wish to be very stylish
A Syracuse deacon cast gloom over his
wifes mouth by pulling button hook from
his pocket marked Lizzie" His wife's
name is Mary and she never owned but
ton hook.
The following toast was pronounced at
freman's dinner, and was received with
great applause: 1.-The ladies-their eyes
kindle the only fame against which there
is no insurance.
A woman, signing deed before law,
yer, was asked. as is the law, whether her
husband had compelled her to sign ''He
compel ME J" said the lady mo, nor
twenty like him -
The name JoeBridger" is owned by six
different mn in Bullet county, Ky They
distinguish them by saying 1.-The 10. who
shot old Campbell" "the Joe who killed
Bill Gordon &c.
A good deacon being asked to subscribe
for buying chandelier for the church OBJ
jected, saying: NOW, what is the use of
chandelier After you getit, you can't gel
anybody to play on t!''
A Frenchman, writing in the Journal
Pour Tous, says: Respect for women re-
quire US never to doubt a word OF what she
u,ters self respect requires US never to be.
licve word of what she says !"
An affectionate husband in Lowell! star.
tied his wife at dinner by the abrupt an
nouncement, Il love another" The ex.
element abated when explained that he re-
ferred to another piece of mince pie.
Lazarus Tillman, of Alfalfa, laid his coat
and $500 on stump while he showed ''tbe
boys" bow to split rails While thus occu
pied the stump burned up and bis raimepi
and greenbacks helped to feed the flames.
s'You say. Mrs Jones, that the prisoner
stabbed the deceased Was it in thorax, or
10. the abdomen ~ mo, cir it was in the
eyes," ''That'll do Cali the next wit
ness"
"Pity the poor teacher" Teacher -
.And what are the four quarters Of the
world ~ First pupil: "Please. teacher.
air, earth, fire and water Second pupil
(eagerly:) mo. teacher! Matthew, Mark.
Luke and John"
Here is good business-like epitaph ::
"Here lies Jare Smith, wife Of Thomas
Smith, marbe.cutter. This monument was
erected BY her husband as tribute to her
memory and specimen of his work Mon
ument Of the same style, $780,"
In speaking Of cal debating society,
country paper says: "Our village deba-
ting societies are in full blast, and questions
that have engrossed the intellectual func-
tons of sages ever since the food are being
decided at the rate of two week."
Cambridge, Mass, has the most resolu,e
and fearless police force Of which we have
heard. The guardians Of that learned city
had banquet on New Years night Oh
which occasion the Mayor gave them credit
for fearing "neither God nor man,
A wedding was broken up at Columbus
City, Iowa. in the following manner The
preacher asked if any one had any objections
The young lady said ''Yes don't wan,
to marry him. The exrectant groom fold
ed his broadcloth and silently stole away
A young lady at recent fashionable
church wedding in NV York seated herself
on the back Of pew for better obser, alton.
but seriously interrupted the ceremony nv
an involuntary somersault and attempt tn
stand on her head in the pew just behind
A young lady at Council Bluffs, being
informed by her fellow that be intended
to cease his attentions, cowbiaed him round
the room, and, as he sprang through the
open window, told him, with parting lick
that that would teach him to be more care.
full for the future not to triae with gentle
and loving heart.
In murder case at Columbus. Ca. DR.,
Terry testified Saw deceased after be was