Smyrna times., 1873-05-07
Putting Up a Stove.

The Danbury Ne,0s has the following sketch |
from real life: Putting up stove is not so !
difficult in itself 1t is the pipe that raises |
four ffths of the mischief and all the dust |
Y YOu may take down a stove with all the care |
in the world, and have your wife put away the
pipe IN a secure place, and yet that pipe won I
come together again as it was before. You
lind this out when you are standing on a chair
with your arms full of pipe and your mouth
full of soOt Your wife is standing on the
floor IN position that enables her to see you,
the pipe, and the chair and here she gives
utterance to those remarks that are calculated
to hasten man into the extremes Of insanity.
Her dress is pinned over her waist, and her
hands rest on her hips. She has got one of
your hats on her head, and your linen coat on
her back, and pair of your rubbers on her
feet. There is about five cents worth of pot
| black on her nose, and lot of -four
on her chin, and altogether she is
spectacle that would inspire dead man with
dlstruSt And while you are up there trying to
| clrcumvent the awful cOntrariness Of the pipe,
and telling that you know some fool has been
mixing 1t, she stands safely on the floor, and
bOmbards you with such domestic notices as
l." What's the use of swearing SOP "You
know no one has touched that pipe" GU
ain't got any more patience than child. ="
"DO be careful of that chair" And then she
|
pipe, and before you are aware of it she has
got that pipe so horribly mixed up that it does
seem no two pieces are alike. You join the ends,
and work them to and trO and take them apart
again and look at them Then you spread one
out and jam the other together, and mount
them once more. But it is no CO. You begin
to think the pieces are inspired with life, and
ache to kick them through the window Bu
she doesn't lose her patience. She goes around
with that awfully exasperating rigging on, will
: length of pipe under her arm, aud a Ions
handled broom in her hand, and says she don
see how 1t is some people never have any
. trouble IN putting up stove. Then you mis-
| the hammer. You don't see it anywhere
8 You stare into the pipe and along the mantle
: : and down on the stove, and off to the floor
Your wife watches you intently, and
I. finally thoughtful enough TO inquire what yOr
. are looking after, and on learning, pulls th
: article from her pocket. Then you feel as
!. you could 60 out doors and swear hole twelv
(, feet square through block Of brick building
. but she merely observes: "Why on cart
: don't you speak when you want anything an
= not stare around like dummy" When thi
~ part of the pipe which goes through the wall
I up, she keeps it up with her broom. while yo
g are making the connection, and stsres at
! with an intensity that is entirely rncaled 70
&c All the while your position is becoming moi
of and more interesting. The pipe don't
~ together, OF course. The SCOT shakes dow
8 into your eyes and mouth, the sweat rolls dow
- your face and tickles your chin as it drops o
- and it seems as if your arms are slowly b
y. u, surely drawing out of their sockets. He
20 your wife comes to the rescue by enquiring
" you are going to be all day doing nothing, al
~ if you think her arms are made Of cast ire
&c =" and then the broom slips off the pipe, and
ro her endeavOr to recover her hold she ,jabs y
ns under the chin with the handle, and the pi
nd comes down on your head with its load of fri
~ SCOT, and then the chair tits forward enou
nd nd to discharge your feet, and you come down
nd Id the wrong end of that chair with force Il
r~ o. would bankrupt a pile driver. You do
'0' touch that stove again. You leave your W
ooI examining the chair and bemoaning its injuri
on a. and 90 into the kitchen and wash your skim
~, ~ and bleeding hands with yellow soap. Th
;th you go down street after man to do
[n business, and your wife goes over to the neil
90 ~, bors with her chair, and tells them about
od injuries, and drains the neighborhood dry of
70 sympathy long before you get home.