The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1873-12-13
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

Our present Secretary of State may not he
founder, but ii is evident that he is anything bu
a sword fish--Nac York Graphic.
Osman 4 Hapeman booksellers of Ottawa ad
yertise popular authors in half calf BEN!
FREE TRADERS and well up in their business
should they not go the whole hoS!-1ohet sun
The wit in the above is rather thin. Has thu
Sun suffered an eclipse?
The San horrifes its readers with about three
columns headed "Ghosts," in which it proves
that the viii county Jail is nightly haunted By
yertable spooks. One of them is a female spirit
that tries to get in bed with the male prisoners
much TO their disgust The quality of the wills
Ky which those prisoners drink should be
looked to.
An Ohio man has invented patent baby.
ANY Improvement upon the "old fashioned
kind" will be anxiously looked for. Wonder how
the Ohio women like this new wrinkle
The railroad train that is run into by another
is telescoped; the man who is run into by a
Texas OK is steer-oscoped
And we suppose that man who has been
walloped by party named Mike may be said to
be lHRe roseQped.
In Missouri they elect editors honorary
ally cali them Urinary members.
Is this qP9theF dig at Cullen, of the RDpnb-
l.RaF
II any one has the least doubt as to our ability
TO exist on buckwheat, let them bring D''nIei
into this otllce,-OdH Weekly
Live on buckwheat! OF course Wilson could
subsist on anything that's good. Try him on
turkey or oysters, if he should grew thin on
buckwheat,
Mrs, stanton protests as vigorously as ever
against tight lacng She is right the pressure
of Il brOadcloth sleeve is the only pressure a
wOman's ribs can sustain without injury.-St
PdW Pioneer
We got rid Of the cockroachcs that infested
our old Office only by flight and we take posses
sion Of our new building only to be routed by
potato-bugs. Where can the soul find rcst.-
minneapolis 7rjbanc t
Get divorce.
4 Philadelphia paper Of recent date furnishes
the startling information that "Aunus Manlius
Seycrnus Brthus, Celebrated Latin philoso.
phcr, was bcheadcd by King Theodore thirteen
hundred and forty-eight years ago yesterday"
Does one woman in fifty fill the lower half of
her lungs with air? is the stern inquiry of a san
itary exchange. The editor of that paper never
heard the voice of an Infatuated mother-in-aw,
In describing a trial in court a New Orleans
reporter says Of the defendants; During the
recital both demons occasionally smiled in al
heish, sarcastic way"
The editor Of the Hcnnepn record has been
" out west and says he can buy land out there
for so an acre. He thinks of burying half an
acre and turing his attention to agricultural
pursuits.
McElwau the editor Of the Petersburg D,go
ndt, speaking of the Oglesby -kcycs wedding
says Butitis said that when the Reyes Of Elk
hart was delivered to the senator, Richard didn't
exactly know whether he was himself again or
uotn
The Oregon Reporter wants money to give
the devil hi. due"
The RcDort1 chap need not get itself into any
excess OF mcrrlmcnt on that subjcct--the devil
will get his due in due time from that editor
EXPrcsldent johnson has Invented a comb.
nation plane, and patent has been granted him
The above item has been repeatedly contra
dcted fatty, it has been doubted, it has been
ridiculcd it has been scorned, it has been de-
nounced as an unmtigated faisehood, 7-but stin
II will be copied and re-copcd and asserted and
rc-asserted until you can't rest Hero is the ad
vantage Of q lie getting few inches the start of
The truth.
\ Terc liaute lInd) woman held burglar by
the Whirkers until policeman came to the
rescue.
Yes, and that burglar was glad to be rescued
from the woman, for she was an ugly old maid |
and had nearly Kissed the poor fellow to DEATH
This may net be very good weather to 90 |
swimming, or to playcroquct on the lawn, but |
better weather for getting married could not he |
arranged Wilmington Ad,oeae. t.,I
Two pairs Of stairs are required for Texas
newspaper Offices, onefor the editor to 20 down
as the calling comes up the 0ther.-Er
Cellar, in Texas should be tied down.
Lay up something for rainy day--an old lln.
brella or rubber oycrcoat, for instancc-ET
And whea yoularc out Of either lay up some I
little such things as teethaches and rheumatism.
A useful receipt at all times: Remember that
raw egg will clear your throat of fish bones
Put one in a little hot wine, add some sugar and
the hsh-benes will slip doNn all the easier
/. S-leu can take the egg, wine and sugar
%hyho" They're good as preventive; and you !
don't know what moment you may ret a fish |
bone IN your throat.--Draggia CHratdr.
The Amboy JournR is disposed to be good To
ih" young folks, it suggests that
1t II not best to skate into ar.hocs, Most of
mem are tllcd with water, and are exceedingly
damp.
Fifteen pounds Of dried apples were taken as
pay Tor publishing marriage notice by an Iowa
paper recently; which leads to the inference
That the wedding was a swell affair.
The other day certain tailor sent his bin to a
rnagzihe editor. He was startIeda few hours
aitcrward by its being returned, with nete ap.
pended saying: Your manuscript is respect.
fulIy declined -- .-- -
SIr kobeson's orders 10 the command,pt, Of
the maynard "Get all available vessels rcodv
for sea, ano { A little quick about IT,"
The women Of Wetzel county W. Va, have
formed grange TO prevent their husband. visit.
ny the grass widow, in that section.
An Eastern stable keeper advertiscs manure
for Az ami f.fl. -. Ill