The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-17
ADJUSTMENTS,

l |
good order as when the permission was
granted. Ono Of the young ladies re,
piled that ON examination of the chapel
thew found IL filed with COWS. She
supposed it would be an easy matter to
drive them back into the building when
the exercises were over,
Here is one outcome Of the density
of population A society is forming
in Zurich, with many indications OF sup
mort. whose object is to engage that their
remainsshall be burned instead OF buried.
The actuating motive is that, under the
prevailing custom, large spaces OF VM-
liable land are occupied by cemeUerles
near towns. often to the detriment OF
the public health, and which some
| times present revolving spectacles when
| graves have to be interfered with. Inc
other outcome is emigration TO America.
| Plenty of room to bury them here.
The delightful mornings are near
at hand when one arises from his warm
bed, in the dark; can't find match
| hunts round with feet like frozen pud-
dings goes down 10 find the servant
has forgotten to fix the fire in the CRATE
ready for lighting gets ashes and soot
in his hair and on his hands; hnds the
coffee has given out; eats cold break
fast and starts off to work, thankful lot
all the things that mako us happy ana
rejoicing in this invigorating weather.
The customers of a certain cooper
caused him vast deal of vexatlon by
their saving habits and persistence IN
getting all their tubs and casks repaired,
buying but very little work. stood
it long enough, however, said ne,
"until old Sam Crabtree brought me IN
an old bHng to which he wanted a new
barrel made; then / quit the business
in disgust"
flames jenkins, said school
master to his pupil. "what Is an aver
age ?" ga thing, sir, answered the
scholar, promptly, THAT hens lay eggs
on" Why do you say that, you silly
boy2" replied the pedagogue: " Be
cause, sir, saidsthe youth, " heard
gentleman say the other day ns hen
would lay, on an average, hundred
and twenty eggs a year.
The last from Scotland-Bailiis
Sawmun "Of coorse, want Wullia
to hae a guild eddycation; in FAC, m
thinkin o. sending him TO the ceemetery
at Rothsay." Councillor Trott The
ceemetery? All, yen be wantin' hmm
to learn the dead language, ehY B ,;
(who does not see it, "Of coorse, OF
coorse deed and leeving."
In an editorial on tho horse dis
ease the eCongregationalist suggested that
Il might be well to sit at the feet ot
horse and learn humanity. just 40,
says the California News-Letter sit
down at the hind-feet of mule, and y
he don't humiliate you, pub his tail
and tickle the inside of his legs with
stable-fork.
During the recent session
little knot of ladies were discussing the
subject of marriage. One of the party,
n single young lady, said, Matches
are made in heaven" VERY likely,
was the quiet reioinder Of married
lady, land they are often dipped IN the
other place.
"A man got up before dawn, Sunday
morning, TO see the sun rise, and was
shot by the exasperated owner OF a
melon patch next door. In May last he
made a similar effort, and was bitten ON
the heel by strange dog. He thinks
of hiring boy TO do the early rising
for his family.
How now ?" friend said 10 Jones,
finding him looking unusually cheerful
and sprightly, Notwithstanding the fact
that he had been up pretty nearly all
night. "You don't seem TO be affected
by the crisis" And Jones merely re-
marked, "No such thing It's boy
We we're at a Sunday-school con-
cert the other evening and enjoyed the
following: Little fellow reciting his
verse; am the Bread OF Life. Super
intendent, questioning him as to his
knowledge OF the Bible-Who said
am the Bread Of life? Little fellow, in
surprise, / said it.
A PRETTY SCHooNEREss. The COM
mander of a schooner which trades with
Houston, Texas, is a lady. She is de-
soribed as having eyes like diamonds.
(Ah y hair like a vexed mass Of golden
feathers. (OD A faultlessf form. (Pshaw.)
And n honor as pure as polished snow.
(Ouch )-DdnbitTy Ne,Ds.
A farmer lost gimlet in the woods
near Monticello, Mimi, three years ago,
and the other day cut down an IRON
wood tree, fast in the forks Of which he
found, not gimlet, but three-quarter
inch auger He is sorry that he didn't
wait year or two longer, as two-inch
auger was just what he wanted.
An en-, ineer on the Western North
Carolina railroad shouted TO a crowd OF
rustics who had gathered 10 see the first
train of cars come in: Put down
your umbrellas You'll scare the en-
pine off the track !" The umbrellas
were lowered at once.
"A physician, on presenting his bill
to the executor Of an estate OF de-
ceased patient askec, "Do you wish to
have nv bill sworn ?" "No, " replied tho
executor "the death of the deceased
is sufficient evidence that you attended
him professionally.
-"Do bats ever fly in the daytime2"
asked teacher of his class in natural
history. "Yes, sir" said the boys,
confidently. "What kind Of bates ?"
exclaimed the astonished teacher.
Brick-bats '' yelled the triumphant
boys.
1T is related that an Irishman once
visited New Hampshire, and after hav-
ing inspected the numerous hills and
mountains ranges, exclaimed Bedad
/ never was in n country before where
they had so much land that they had TO
stack it."
Sarah Jane DeFoe said that she
would be married in her old Kentucky
men tied him TO the sofa, the crowd
walked in, and while he gnashed his
teeth Sarah Jane was wed.
How different is the bias of mems
minds2 What opposite tendencies they
exhibit in their investigation Of the
phenomena of mental sciencei For ex-
ample the lawyer inclines TO the ALB
stract, the builder the concrete.
Those old soakers never lack for
arguments. Lately one replied 10 n
Temperance lecturer by the following
poser: IF water rots the soles Of your
boots, what effect must il have on the
coat of your stomachP"
Punch thinks that some people are
never contented. After having all their
limbs broken, their heads smashed, and
their brains nocked out, they will act
ually go TO law and try to get further
damages.
"A gentleman reading a newspaper.
a day or two ago, asked a friend
What's the meaning Of the Bohemian
Diet, about which we hear 80 much Of
late? Free lunches, was the reply.