The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-01-31
THE SANDWICH ISLANDS.
Sketches by Mark Twain.

V
Tribune, embracing the recollections OF
his trip to the Islands several years ago
, The articles give much valuable infor-
, nation, spiced with the inimitable
J humor of the author We make one
or two extracts from the last of these
, contributions:
ROYAL CURIOSITY.
The late King was frequently on
hand in the royal pew in the Royal Ha-
, waiian Reformed Catholic Church on
Sundays; but whenever he got into
trouble he did not fly to the cross for
help-he flew to the heathen gods of his
ancestors. Now this was q man who
would write you beautiful letter, in a
faultless hand, and word it in faithless
English and perhaps throw in a few
graceful classic allusions; and perhaps
a few happy references to science, inter
national law, or the worlds political
history or he would array himself in
elegant evening dress and entertain you
at his board in princely- style, and con-
verse like born Christian gentleman :;
and day after day he would work like a
beaver in affairs of State, and on occa-
sions exchange autograph letters with
the kings and emperors of the old world.
he would retire to cluster of dismal
little straw-thatched native hIIts by the
sea-shore, and there for a fortnight he
would turn himself into a heathen
whom you could not tell from his saw
age grandfather He would reduce his
dress to breech-clout, fill himself daily
full of whisky, and sit with certain of
| his cOncubines while others danced the
peculiar hula-hula. And if oppressed
by great responsibilities he would sum-
mon one of his familiars, an ancient
witch, and ask her to tell him the Opin-
ion and the commands of the heather
gods, and these commands he would
obey. He was so superstitious that he
would not step over line drawn across
a road, but would walk around it. These
matters were common talk in the Is
lands. I never saw this king but once,
and then he was not on his periodical
! debauch He was in evening dress at
! tending the funeral of his sister, and
had a yard of Grape depending from his
stove-pipe hat.
A SPECIMEN MINISTER.
The Royal Ministers" are natural
curiosities. They are white men of va
rious nationalities, who have wandered
thither in times gone by. [ will give
you q specimen-but not the most favor
| able Harris, for instance. Harris is
an Americana long-legged, vain, light
weight village lawyer from New Hamp-
shire. If he had brains in proportion
to his legs, he would make Solomon
seem failure if his modesty equaled
his ignorance, he would make a violet
seem stuck up; if his learning equaled
his vanity, he would make Won Hum
boldt as unlettered as the backside of a
tombstone if his stature were proper
toned to his conscience, he would be
gem for the microscope If his ideas
were as large as his words, it would
take man three months to walk around
one of them; if an audience were to
contract to listen as long as he would
talk, that audience would die of old
age; and if he were to talk until he
said something, he would still be on his
hind legs when the last trump sounded
And he would have cheek enough to
wait until the disturbance was over,
and go on again.
Such is (or was) His Excellency Mr..
Harris, his late Maiesty's Minister of
This. That, and The Other-for he was
little of everything; and particularly
always he was the Kings most obedient
humble servant and loving worshiper,
and his chief champion and mOuthpiece
in the parliamentary branch of minis
ters. And when question came up Qt
didn't make any difference what it was,)
how he would rise up and saw the air
with his bony fails, and storm and cav
ort and hurl sounding emptiness which |
he eth0ught was eloquence, and discharge |
bile which he fancied was satire, and is |
sue dreary rubbish which he took for |
humor, and accompany it with contor-
tions of his undertaken cOuntenance |
which he believed to be comic express |
sion
He began i'll the islands as a little, OBJ !
scure lawyer, and rose (?) to be such a !
many-sided official grandee that sarcas- |
tic folk dubbed him, ''the wheels of |
the government" He became a great |
man in pigmy land-he was of caliber |
that other countries construct cOnstables |
and coroner8 of. do not wish to seem
prejudiced against Harris, and / hope |
that nothing l have said will convey |
such an impression. / must be an hon
est historian, and to do this in the pres
ent case I have to reveal the fact that
this stately figure, which looks so like
Washington monument in the distance,
is nothing but a thirty-dollar windmill
when we get close to him.
Harris loves to proclaim that he is no
longer an American, and he is proud of
it that he is Hawaiian through and
through, and is proud of that too; and
that he is a willing subject and servant
of his lord and master, the King, and
is proud and grateful that it is so.
WHY WE SHOULD ANNEX.
Now, let us annex the islands. Think
how we could build up that whaling
trade Though under our courts and
judges it might soon be impossible for
whaleships to rendezvous there without
being fleeced and "pulled'' by sailors
and pettifoggers as it now is III San
Francisco-a place the shippers shun as
they would rocks and shoals. Let us
annex. We could make sugar enough
there to supply all America, perhaps,
and the prices would be very easy with
the duties removed. And then we
would have such a fine halfway house
for our Participating ships; and such
a convenient supply depot, and such
commanding sentry box for an armed
squadron and we could raise cotton
and coffee there and make it pay pretty
well, with the duties off and capital
easier to get at. ana then we
would own the mightiest volcano
on earth-Kilauea Barnum could
run it-he understands fires now.
Let rs annex by all means. We could
pacify Prince Bill, and other mobiles
easy enough-put them on reserva-
ton. Nothing pleases a savage like
reservations reservation where he has
his annual hoes, and Bibles and blankets
to trade for powder and whisky
sweet Arcadian retreat fenced in with
soldiers. By annexing, we would get
all those $4,000 natives cheap as dirt,
with their morals and other diseases
thrown in. No expense for education;
no need to convert them-they are al
ready converted; no expense to clothe
them for obvious reasons.
We mast annex those people. We
can affiict them with our wise and bene-
fcent government We can introduce
the novelty of thieves all the way up
from street car pickpockets to munich
pal robbers and government defaulters,
and show them how amusing it is to ar
rest them and try and let them loose
some for cash and some for "political