The state rights democrat. [volume] (Albany, Linn County, Oregon) 1865-1900, 1873-09-05

FRTDAY~........ SEPTEMBER 5, 1873.
scIssORINGs.
True to the last---The Shoemaker.
a taxing paper The Sherif's war
rant.
spiritualists' paper-(W Wrapping
paper.
''Long and successful reign"-The
deIuge.
When is bow not bowl When
it is a bow-knot.
A carriage grows wheel less tired
the more it works.
A woinan's pride and a sailors's
guide The needle.
What none of us ever drank from
the tap Of drum.
A secret--The surest way to get on
in life is to grow old. att
How much cloth is required to
make spirit-wrappor?
A funeral pyre-7A printer who
"pies" a funeral notice.
Aman is obliged to keep his word
when nobody will take it.
The boy with the big watch said
time hung heavy on his hands.
The only good motives for riding
o man on rail is locomotive.
If you are out in a driving storm
don't attempt to hold the rains.
When is clock on the stairs
dangerous? When it runs down.
When is water most liable to
escape9 When it is only half-tide.
There are various stations m life;
but the least desirable is q police sta
ton
When does farmer work a mira
Gle? When he turns his horse to
grass.
1t is said that there never was an
honest red-breast: he was always q
robin.
What fowl is most like u carriage
in the Chinese Empire? A Coach-in-
China.
Query--Would not stearin candles
be the best illuminators for light
houses.
A genius is popularly supposed to
be one who can do anything but
make living.
When is a lady like a show
window? When she takes great pains
with her sash.
Three noted rebels, Longstreet,
Beauregard, and Jo johnson, are
rusticating in Maine.
Love matches are often formed by
people who pay for month of honey
with life of vinegar.
Why are young ladies SO partial to
sunset and twilight? Because they
are daughters of Eve.
Some people say that dark haired
women marry first. We differ: it's
the light-headed ones.
We are told that nothing is made
in vain-but how about pretty girl2
Isn't she maiden vain2
Why are your eyes like friends
separated by distant climesP They
correspond, but never meet.
A reviyalist asked an African if he
had found the Lord. "Golly," said
Sambo, cam de Lord lostF"
What is the difference between
jailor and a jewler? One watches
cells, and the other sells watches.
Mrs. Partington thinks that the
grocers ought to hire q music-teacher
to teach them the scales correctly.
Why does the present style of
ladies dresses remind us of the au-
tumn? Because Of the loose leaves.
A man was arrested in St. Louis on
Sunday night last, who had been ION
a drunk" ever since the 4th of July.
Mrs, Smith says her husband is
like tallow candle, becaese he al
ways will smoke when he is going
out.
A Chicago clergyman gave great
satisfaction to his audience recently |
by preaching fourteen minute SER
mon.
The man who called for tea nt an
ordinary eating-house, "as strong as
the kick of mule" complains that
he got it "as weak as o resolution.
A young lady gave this order to
her milliner for bonnet: "You are
to make it plain, but at the same
time smart, as / sit in q conspicuous
place in church."
Heated street discussion-"I don't
believe in Spiritualism. / think this:
If man goes to hell he can't come
back here; ana il he goes to heaven
he don't want to-"
A physician stopped at a shop of o
country apothecary and inquired for
a pharmacopia. "Sir' said the apoth-
ecary, II know of no such farmer
living about these parts"
The largest canal in the world, is
the one in China, which passes over
1000 miles Of country and alongside
42 cities 1t was commenced as far
back as tho tenth century.
An enterprising soap maker daubed
the rocks all the way up the Hudson
with the appeal, "Use Smiths soap."
Whereupon his rival, the still more
enterprising Jones, after much cogi-
tation, started his white-washer up
the river to append to each. of Mr.
Smiths appeals, ''If you can't get
Jones's?"