Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1873-08-15
Fl UMOR

A drunken fellow wanderednto Sunday
school. and took a seat with the primer
soholars,- when the teacher thus accosted
him:
ssWhy James, do you know what condi-
ton you are in e
eyes, MN; in the gall Of bit'ness an
bonds Of 'niquity. Ash me- some hard
questions y
A high school girl, just graduated said
in her essay ''Let US avoid the frlvoliles
of life and pursue the noblest end only. =
Th next day she was moved 10 tear in a
agonizing attempt to decide the proper shade
of blue for her complexion
A youth and maiden were danclng the
]ancers. To the course of the lnane c nver-
sation which the dance nece-sita'es, ne ook
to questioning her as to her accomplish
meuts. DO you paint p he asked He
wonders what on earth she got mad about
A Paris correspondent seDd> this as 4
good story Why are you crying 50, my
child 2" inquired mamma Of her grown up
daughter. Because Nile. B gave me e.
shap in the face" And did you return
it2" "No, as gave one first"
A Saratoga belle, who is largely addicted
to the use of back files Of newspapers aud
other toilette accessories, quotes. in extenu-
alton of such practices, the words OF Bacon,
who says ''a pleasing figure is perpetual
letter of recommendation.
A Louisville boy has been experimenting
with powder He filled glass bowl With
the stuff and applied match light. lie
saw how it worked, but will never see any
thing else
One of the guests at a dim recently
given by the Union League Club, after clo-
quently responding to the toast, Woman
God bless her p reached home quite drunk,
and had his eye "blackeds by his wife in a
moment of emotion.
The boys of Winchester, Ky exercise
their craftsmanship upon the tombstones
and monuments OF the cemetery, and they
can knock out the eye of a marble angel OR
amb or other craven image almost every
ime.
A sentimental editor says, 1T is comfort.
ing to koow that one eye watches ondly Tor
our coming, and looks brighter whvn we
come" A contemporary is greved to
learn that his brother Of the quill has wlfa
with only one eye"
Ven some man slaps me on Ger shoulder
und says, II vas glad you vas sove'l,' and
den sticks behind my back his fingers to his
nose, haf my opinion of dat weller
Small but active bootblack to wear + Of
thirteens-"Say boss. lem me black .er
boots. Do it for five cents an acr" and
warrant it done before shutdown
A Green Bay man called young lady
his precious darling little honey-dew of a
blooming rosebud, and then stood breach
of promiae suit before he would marry
her.
Chicago pays out a good deal Of money
for educational purpo I'd u vexed to
see some of her prominent business men
hang out signs of two wrent"
"Owing to the death o! the editor there
won't be any leader Tuesday" says Wis
consin weekly, ''but look out Ior ripper
on Wednesday,
The editor of the Kankakee Gazette"
thinks fishing, as general rule don't pay.
'sWe stood it all day in til rv r last week, ,
he says, 'but caught poth'ng- until We got
home
The latest instance afforded by fond
mother of her sons cleverness. is sal son's
49,, e. bo all
dirt He said the dirt was al over him.
A Detroit hotel keeper was apgly with
a man who sent him circular advertising
q bed-bug exterminator thathe knocked him
down and bit off portion OF his ear
An Indiana young lady died recently,
but while they were preparing her body for
the coffin, revived long enough to tell them
to crimp her hair.
Down east when they speak Of mans
iberality, and don't want to praise him too
much, they say he has heart as big as
Rhode Island.
The editor of Nebraska paper gives no.
tice that hereafter he cannot be bribed with
five cent cigar to write five dollar
puff.
A census taken in St Louis shows that
there are two hundred and thirteen radiant
youths in that city who part their hair in
the middle.
Young mother (pathetically) Eugene,
what if we should lose our child 2"
Young husband business man)-"Oh,
should advertise for it Immediately
Denver has a negro who can correctly
measure almost any distance with his eye
He instantaneously decides how high a
chickens roosts.
sis that marble ?" said a gentleman,
pointing to bust Of Kensucky's great states
man. "No, sir, that's Clay" quietly re-
piled the dealer.
The young fellow who engaged himself
to half dozen young ladies is undoubtedly
beau Of promise.
The husband who devoured his wife with
kisses found ont afterwards that she disi
agreed with him.
Soft soap, in some shape, p eases all and,
generally speaking, the more lye you put
into it the better.