The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1873-10-10
The Insurance Business,
BY SANDY HIGGINS.

animal Is modern ll1e 1nSuIdACo tsSouU.
For brass, impudence, cheek and general
cussedness, they can beat the world and
half the other place. The only chance
to get rid of one is to put him out at
the back door and set "yaller" dog
after him, and then ten chances to one
but he'll holler back to know If you
don't want to take out policy on the
dog. They've got the perseverance OF
mosquito, the impudence OF fice dog,
and the hano-on-ativeness of a striped
head turtle. added to as much wind as
n black smiths bellows, and more CAB |
than a Yankee auctioneer. There is no |
use telling one that you don't wish to
take stock in his company, for he'll keep |
at YOU till YOU insure your own life, or |
take his.
I can't remember, just at present, |
when the business was first instituted,
but I do remember that it has been car |
ried to perfection of aggravation that
is absolutely unbearable to any man
who has as much nervousness about him
as an oyster. They're found on the
railroads, on the steamboats,, in the
hotels, bar-rooms, and occasionally one
of them is so fortunate as to blunder
into the penitentiary. No village is SO
quiet, no neighborhood so completely
lost in the woods but one of these chaps
will find his way into it, with his books
and papers, and cause more trouble ana
confusion than bastard mulatto or the
measles.
once received call from one of
them. but I guess I disgusted him with
the business, for which I certainly de-
serve a pension. He was tall, slim,
butter-tongued fellow, with patent-lea-
ther boots, kid gloves, and his haIr
parted in the middle, and may as well
remark that the last item Disguised me
almost as much as his business did. L
was intently engaged at the time trying
to STAY on the sharp side of devlllsh
mule. in which didn't succeed to any
great extent, and was in no humor tor
foolishness, as anybody with half sense
could have seen, but it made no differ
ence with him.
Good morning, stranger, SAID he.
i" I'm in the life insurance business.
"The thunder you are J. said L.
eyes" said he, 'and it is tie duty
of every man to have his life insured.
Death is going about like roaring
| iackass, and no man knows when his
| own time will come"
"Strange that 1 had not heard of it
before !" said I. "But l don't feel SICK
Just so. but we fall sick and die
when we least expect it, 4" he replied.
"Weu, if you feel any symptoms you
had better have your own life insured, J"
9uns, diseases and foot peddlers ?"
"No. I can't do any of that" he re-
nlied somewhat astonished at my
method of putting questions.
"WelI," I continued, "will you in
sure me to live a hundred years, and
then take a new start ?" Will you in
sure nv hair not to turn gray, or my
teeth not to fall out, or my toes not to
have eorns on 'em, or my whisky not to
give me the headache? Will you IN
sure the bugs not to eat my cabbage,
and the rogues not to steal my water
melons. and the moccasins not to get
into my fsh-trap ?" ..
"No, tell you p he replied, getting
lust a little excited at my questions.
oWeu," went on, edo you propose
to insure that I won't be thrown by
mule. nor swindled by a lawyer, noI
killed by a doctor, nor preached tc
death by preacher, nor talked to death
by a woman, nor hooked by Dull, mol
run over by blind horse ??
No-I-wont p said he.
"Then what in thunder do you pro
,, pose to do? asked.
"I told you I would insure you
: life,'' said he.
: "But I've named over every way tina
q man can possibly be killed or scared
TO death" said I, "and if you can't IN
sure me against any of them, what's thu
use?"
"My good FRIEND" replied he, "Il
= explain You see, you pay CERTAIN
amount of money every year, and thel
- if YOU die, your wife and children get.
: say ten thousand dollars. Alnt
!. grand?" H..
= "Ain't what grand ?" inquired; I'm,
! death, or the money, or my Wl1e ant
4 children p
q = "Hang it !" he replied, wouldn't
% be grand to have that much money PAL
q to them after your death
{ "T think it would be blamed sigh
. orander to have it paid to them befor
u NV death. so that 1 could see them Gu
% up about it. How am to know no.
j., Grand it is, or whether they will get II
- after T am gone where / can't loo
# back ?" =,
~ "But YOU know before you die thu
~ they will get it, said he.
!, @Tll be hanged if know any sue
Z thing p I replied. "Suppose L kill m
~ fool self in some of my sprees-ho
IT then?"
~ "Then your family will get none
~ it. if your death is caused by your ow
% fault" said he.
&c - "Well, " inquired further, "suppos
!, nv wife kills me for the purpose OF ge
10 ting the monev-what would you q
ot then?"
g. "Refuse to ray her cent" he r
IL piled. ,s.;,
Z to get back any of the money that
90 pay you every year is to lie down an
- : die as easy as possible" remarked.
A. "Nust die a natural death" said h
F. F. "My Young FRIEND" said |, solem
T 1e ". "I am very sorry to inform you th
T your business is an overgroWn humou
- and a delusion and snare and chea
" Here Won propose to insure my life, b.
IIo Won can't keep off any of the DANCE
iI or difficulties of life. You get n
ho money every year, and then if happt
nr or to quit living, there's got to be la
~, snit. and a post mortem and coroner
- inouest to know how I died, and what
- died for. Then the chances are til
;, the lawyers will get half the money, al
T. nv wife will marry some chap who W
~ oct drunk on the other half. Or, pt
nc hans she will make bargain with sol
nh fellow who will kill me on the sly
II T. half the money. Or, suppose L
on fair and square, perhaps she will mar
~ ~ some man who will have big til
q spending my money, and [ not be
!, - lowed to come back and break his nee
mo- You've got too many chances to, !
,a8 6 none. II I go 'possum hunting and
oro t a tree down on myself, you'll say 'tv
IL IL INV own fault. If try to shoe mi
ars .ne at the kicking end and get my bra
' to lost, you'll say should have had m'
not said I. -.
lG go I have; I'm all safe, said he:
~ M "Then I wish you would ride t
IGS b;s dingnation mule" said I, as the amir
rly began to exhibit strong SYMPTOMS OF
raj ting me get down.
ere ere "Have your life insured. by
eo1 &c means" he continued, not noticing
33sIf request; "it's one of the greatest in
itta ha tutions of the age, and I represent