Smyrna times., 1873-03-12
WHOLE NO. g32
Cousin Sally Dillard.

Cousin Sallle billiard is a story that must not
oe permitted to die, and as it has been some
time since the public have been called upon to
laugh over It's exquisite righteousness, we will
give 1t Il start again:
;. Scene-A Court of Justice in South Caro-
lima.
A beardess disciple of Thcmis rises and Tins
addressed the court: " May it please YOUR
worship and you, gentlemen of the Jury, since
1t has been my fortune (g0Od or bad [ will not
say to exercise myself in legal diSqusiton, it
has never Deiallen me to be Obliged to prose-
cute so dlrciulIy marked an assault. a more will
full, violent and dangerous battery, and finally
more daboical breach Of the peace has sell
dom happened in Il civilized country, and I
dare say it seldom has been our duty to pass
upon one so shocking to benevolent feelings, as
this which took place over at Captain Rice's,
IN this county; but you will hear from the wit
neSSeS.
The witnesses bcing sworn, two or three
were examined and deSpOsed. One said that
he heard, but did not see the fight; another
that he saw the row, but he did not know who
struck first, and another that he was very
drunk and couldn say much about the scrim-
mage.
Lawyer ChOps-I am sorry, gentlemen, to
have occupied your time with the stupidity of
the witnesses examined. 1t arises, gentlemen,
altogether from a misappreEenson on my part
Had known, as do, that | had witness
who was acquainted with all the circumstances
OF the case, and who was able to make himself
clearly understood to the court and Jury.
should not have tresspassed so long on your
patience Come forward, Mr.. Harris, and be
sworn
So forward c1mes the witness, fat, chuffy
old man, "leetle" corned, and took the oath
with an air.
! Chops Harris, we wish you to tell all about
the riot that happened the other day at Cap
tain Rice'S, and as a good deal of time has
already been wasted in circum ocution, we wish
you to be cOmpenduous, at the same time as
explicit as possible.
Harris-AdzakIy giving the lawyer a know
ing wink, and at the same time clearing his
throat) Captain Rice, he gin a treat, and
Cousin Sally billiard she comes over to our
house and axed me if my wife she mountnt
go. told cousin Sally billiard my wife was
poorly, being as how she had a touch of rheu-
MATES in the hip, and the big swamp was up
IN the road, there having been great deal Of
rain lately, but howsOever, as it was she, cou-
SIN Sally Dllard, my wife she mOut go Well,
them cousin Sally billiard then axed me if
Moses he mOutnt go. | told cousin Sally
Dl.ard that he was foreman of the crap, and
the crap was smartly in the grass, but as it
was she, cousin Sally Dlard, Nose he mout
go.
Chops-In the name of common sense, Mr..
Harris, what do you mean by that rigmarole2
Wltness-Captain Rice he gin a treat, and
cousin Sally billiard, she came over to my house
and axed me if my she mount go, told cou-
sin Sally Dillard-
Chops-Stop, sir, if you please; we don't
: want to hear about your Sally billiard or your
} wife; tell US about the fight at Rice's.
: Witness-Well, l will, sir, if you will let
me.
ChOps-Well sir: 90 on
Wimess-Wel, sir; Captain Rice, he gin
treat and cousin Sally Dilard, she came over
} to my house and asked me if my wife she
mount go
t Chops-The.e it is again. Witness please
stop
Witness-Well, sir, what do you want?
S ChOpS-We want to know about the fight,
and you must not proceed with this imperti-
E nent story. DO you know anything about the
matter before the Court?
t Witness-To be sure do
Chops-Well, go on then and tell it, and
nothing else.
S treat
1 Chops-This is intolerable. May it please
t the Court, l move that the witness be commit
= ted for a contempt He seems to be trihing
S With the Court.
COurt-Witness, you are before the Court of
Justice, and unless you behave yourself in
more becoming manner you will be sent to jail;
l so begin and tell me what you know about the
: fight at Rices.
a Witness-Well, gentlemen, Captain Rice he
gin treat, and cousin Sally Dillard-
Court (after deliberating MIR. Attorney,
the Court is of an opinion that we may save
time by letting the witness go on in his own
I way. Proceed, Mr.. Harris with your story,
d but stick to the point.
{ Witness-Yes, gentlemen. Well Captain
u Rice, he gin treat and cousin Sally billiard
= came over to our house and axed me if my wife
Il she moutn't go. | told cousin Sally billiard
that my wife she was poorly being as how she
had the rheumatics in her hip, and the big
swamp was up; howsomever, as it was she,
u = cousin Sally billiard, my wife she mout 60.
; told cousin Salie billiard as how Nose was
! foreman of the crap and the crap it was smart
:. ly in the grass, but howSoever, as it was she,
= cousin Sallie billiard, Nose he mout 60. So
they go on together. Nose, my wife, and cou-
sin Sally billiard, and they comes to the big
n swamp, and it was up as | was telling you; but
r being as how there was log across the big
# swamp, cousin Sally billiard and Nose, like
genteel folks, walked the log, but my wife, like
darned fool, hoStcd her petticoats and waded
through
Chops-Heavcn and earth, this is too bad !;
= but go on.
Witness-Well, that's all know about the
fight.