Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-08-28
The Family Hose.

ONE more bright dream is life has col
lapsed for us; and another ''harp hangs
upon the willow" Only this isn't harp,
but hosea garden hose. We INDUCED
in sweet visions early in the spring, with
reference to keeping 'the ground, irri-
gated with our apparatus. Let drouth
come" we triumphantly exclaimed, 1--WE
shall hose every flower that thirsteth. -
We sodded quite extensively for us, and
reserved certain selected spots for floral
display-then we bought the hose. We
found launching the institution attended
with mechanical difficulty. Several ex-
petitions had to be made by express to
change the hose to fit our faucets Then
the plumber had to come and alter the
faucets to fit the hose. In these expert
mental moments we had occasion to study
the immense squirting capacity of water
not properly regulated. 1t is astonishing
how soon you can deluge the kitchen,
and what aptitude there is for getting it
in the eye, and all over your clothes by
hayward leaks from an uncertain ma
chine. Science triumphed at last, and
the hose worked to charm. 1t was as
tight as drum head, and played magnifi-
Gently, and we opened vigorous sprink-
ling campaign. Two things we ascer-
tanned early, that the feminine head of the
family considered it her prerogative to
superlntend the watering business, and
getting wet was tOre-ordained part of
this transaction. No matter how well
your hose is jointed, you will be ducked
and drenched in the operation; this
is matter of the higher law"
From the bay window we re-
ceived our orders" don't play so
hard on the verbenas;" put more water
on the vines" why don't you soak the
grass" why on earth do you wet the
paths?" Finding that we were not likely
to do this thing right anyhow, and being
little tired Of playing second fiddle, y
we retired from active operations for a few
Gays and let the boys take hand at it
If you want to destroy the serenity of a
neighborhood, the quickest way is to let a
boy work a garden hose. In the first
place he wants to water the street, to the
peril of travellers, instead of combining his
labors to the inside of the fence Then
all the other boys within a mile seem to
know the fact and they swarm like flies
around the youthful representative of rain.
Then a struggle commences. The boy
of the the house lets his companions have
it in the face; they retaliate by stamping
over the flowers, and stepping on the hose
to prevent the flow of the liquid, and a
general row ensues, only to be suppressed
by Madame in majestic state Of indigna-
ton, who finally succeeds in dispensing
the rebels, and proudly bears away the
insulted instrument to its place of repose
in the back she'd We are informed when
we arrive home that all the children OF
the neighborhOod left our premises in a
condition of immersion, and never while
she lives, is that hose to be put again in
the custody of the boys" When we I'm
dertake to water the next time, we are
nervOusly conscious that our efforts do not
meet the expectations of the presiding an
gel of the househould. She can stand our
incapacltv no longer, and comes out in a
rural straw hat, and says, ''let me show
you how to do it; men are so awkward ~
She grasps the hose as a woman is apt to
grasp pistol as though she was little
afraid il might 90 off suddenly, and the
nozzle having limp, downward tendency
fires away very near her tidy slipper
"Mercy!" she utters, and rectitying the
| range with quick upward movement
she takes the lady in white muslin, ring
ing the bell at the next door, with per.
| feet 'line-shot." Dropping the hose, she
begs pardon in the incest manner, re
marking that Mr.. - has been using
the hose, and got it so out of order it be
haved shamefully." We sneak into the
house with a weight on our mind, and al
night we dream that for some terrible Of
Tense we have been sentenced to sprinkle
| the desert of Sahara with garden hose
Suffering under the scorching rays of q
| tropical sun, and alarmed at the appear
| ance of Arabs and bowling dervishes that
dance around us at the sight of water, we
shrek in our midnight agony. We are
awakened from our nightmare to be in
formed that we have made fuss and
| trouble enough during the day not to make
the night hideous." Any one wishing tc
procure a frst-class garden hose, in per
feet working order, warranted to squirt
correctly when used by the proper par
ties can buy one cheap of us, on condi
ton they will exercise it in another
county.-After Dinner.