New-York tribune. [volume] (New York [N.Y.]) 1866-1924, 1873-07-18
SARATOGA.
JOHN PAUL's SUGGESTIONS TO HOTEL
KEEPERS.

JOHN PAUL'S SUGGESTIONS ~ hOA
KEEPERS.
now TO TURN OFF GAS COMFORTABLY
uousr QUIET AND RETIREMENT CoNrHAsTEp
WITH HOTEL BUSTLE-sTAIICAsE CONNEhSAlloN,
TFRoM An OCCASIONAL CORRESPONDENT Oh IN"
S,RArocA. July Elf ever | build hOtel
h o,o sore adcal innovations. In the nrst pace
the gas fixtures are never rightly arranged III ocuoo
they might TO be placed at the head OF the ped "horo
one can read ones self to sleep bhssuy ~ Woulu %
ood idea so TO arrange them that one coud smut Oh o
COS whom coed and sleepy without even having 10 turn
over have sometimes got at this after fashion by
,shi, lead pencil 20 the tlingthatturns, then tying
cord 10 each end ;of the penc and leading the corus
over 10 the bed. II is a comparatively simple cohIrl
vance Int works eminently we'll when the thingthat-
turns is not too the wall In this case you nave 10
cut the pencil in two. which besides spelling the peneu
for ordinary use. does not give you sufficient eVeraEe
and the cords keep breaking Then, instead OF having
annuncatOrs electric bells such fooereS 'na'
are always getting out Of order ia attach the wires d.
rectly 20 the boys whose business 1t Is 10 answer ~
bels-say TO ring in the nose, though TINS par. % %
invention Is matter for mature elaboration p' W.
arrangement think could annuncate 'la' So"
thing was wanted, and bring an attendant "
with less trouble than is now involved ,.o
II aIuuses me TO hear friends say, when asAo" "0
THEY'RE "stopulng" Oh came here for qule anu ro
tiremept; I'm at private boarding mousse w" -
no nlace in the world where can be so quoV anu
az q. ,tsnos 10 as at large hotel You are not
n.
nod IN know any one not even the prOprletors' uu-
loss Won break the furniture. And no one j. opsc "
know YOU and, unless you are extraoruharhJ uan"SO
and ssing unfortunately the case Win me-
no one cares to. No one attempts 10 peh"io
,.o, irto conversation unless you iput yourselI
arelv in the way OF being beguiled; TO your silent
neal Won sit You down, and, II you are eler-
cvmap select your text with your soup, finish the
head Of your sermon before you come TO the tail OF
your trout and slide gently along to the nuts ana raSs
Il mean TO the final benedictiOn-Without sohtary IN
terrupton Like shadow you come nyoulike and so de-
parwhether you like not, for the waters are not
fattening. At q private house, the contrary, you
must be introduced to the audady in the first instance
and she thinks it her hosptabe duty to introduce you
10 every one else in the house. If you don't say much IN
the paror simply because you have nothing TO say she
thinks Won are bashfu and sooner than you suffer
In that way wades rcsolutey in 10 draw you out luis
idle 10 attempt to hide your head under monoylabic
replies; she will snake you out from behind the thin shell
ter OF no. or yes aud resolutely expose you to the
whole roomful in your naked defOrmity OF Thought
And If you eyade the parOr and slide surrepuuouay
upstairs or out into the wOOdshed she Will aVall her-
self Of your absence to so whispering round 10 all the
wryneckcd maids who read poetry and the stiff backed
old gentlemen who talk theology that you're very agree
able and entertaining person If they can only get ut
you'-make your acquaintance she means-and then
they straightway go 10 getting at you Ihey Waylay
YOU on the stairs particularly at the crooked section
10 ask il You have read Sorrows Of Sensitive Soul"
by Letta LopOp, and what you think OF
Pere Hyacnthos marrying a widow, and whether
that marriage throws any light on the inter
esuug question VIII Salt Peter Explode l-diully
connecting it with ST. Peter, probably.
And by aud by they contrve to branch oon the SHAH
the Qcumeuical Council, something else which they
deem Of cheerful and current interest to you and which
YOU know nothing at all about Then at the table you
are expected be pleasant and socabe and make your
self agreeable and tell all the other boarders about your
self and your friends and your family, aud some lnvar
able old wretch wilmmedately remember that at some
remote period Of his life he has met some person from
your part the country" and il you cannot Instantly
recall that person and prove yourself familiar with all
habits pcCudutes, what church he attends, and
which eye he has in, you are looked upon as pos
sIbe mposOr and the suspicion gets abroad that you
yo~ - <he so~-t-s" - ell A~d
anythng goes wrong about the houseof course moth
ing is cooked right but If anything out Of the usual
order breaks loose, If the steel springs OF your
mattress for instance in their constant rsings against
oppression, finally show their rebeiOus heads
through the upper Of cotton and rake your back
60 the that your dreams are narrowing ones,
indeed; II Your pillows, thin first become daily more
attenuated until their relative thickness may be
expressed by the equation, pillows II pancake-nO
matter in short. what cause Of complaint may come
upon you you cannot speak about 1t mildly and gently
without hurting the feelings" Of "the lady OF the
house" nine times ten the refined relative OF some
arstocratic family Of princely potentates or pot
walopers who only takes boarders" TO fill up her big
bouse-which she never could a-bearand have friends
round her ono does MT like TO stand forth glarngy in
this microcosn illuminated by the bueights OF femi'
nine vitupcratOn as brute when in reality ones only
a boarder. Oh, I've been there, you see. know ali
about it, and no-mOre-fOr mel -you-pease.
In a hotel on the other hand the remotest part Of
the machinery do TO suit you, if the whsk Of
chambermaids broom even the buzz OF fly annoy
YOU YOU can aCtae things in the abstract raise dust
generally The landlord is not a trembling moss rose
too tender aud sensitive for the rude winds Of heaven
blow upOn or for you Of earth TO elbow up" 1t has
never occurred to him that no conferred favor by
sticking YOU up in an attic and giving you banana
Sundays in addition TO the regular weekly desserts you
can "aw him without hurting his feelings one Bit for
he will Immediately round aud give some else
under him "dts thinking II " moro blessed TO
give" fits than 20 receive them. And the "domestcs"
are always good stout dares, who know that they de-
serve abuse at all hours OF the day. and in this guilty
knowledge are only too happy IT, in the whirlwind OF
your wrath shower Of boot jacks and things do not
descend upon them.
But I'm out OF breath with my subject Enough 10 say
that have lived boarded, and have suffered.
JOHN PAUL.