The Carbon advocate. [volume] (Lehighton, Pa.) 1872-1924, 1873-11-22
Mrs. Jones' Pirate.

ner which was called the Mary Jane /;
she carried lots Of howitzers and deadly
rifled guns, with shot and shell and
powder, and percussion caps in tons.
The pirate was homely man, and
short and grim and fat, he wore a wild
ard awful scowl beneath his slouching
hat swords, pistols and stillettoes were
arranged upon his thighs, and demonia-
cal glaring was quite common with his
eyes.
His heavy black mustache curled
away beneath his nose, and dropped in
elo CANT festoons about his very toes he
hardly every spoke at all, but when such
was the case, his voice, twas easy to
perceive, was quite heavy bass.
He was not serious pirate, and de-
spite his anxious cares, he rarely went
to Sunday school, and seldom said his
prayers he worshipped lovely women,
and his hope in life was this to calm
his wild, tumultuous soul in pure do
nestle bliss.
When conversing with his shipmates
he very often swore, that he .longed to
give up piracy and settle down on shore.
He tired of blood and plunder, of the
joys that they could bring he sighed to
win the love of some affectionate young
thing.
One morning, as the Mary Jane went
bounding DER the sea, the pirate saw
merchant bark far off upon his lee. He
ordered a pursuit, and spread sail that
he-could spare, and then went down, in
hopeful mood, to shave and curl his
har. - ..... ...
de blacked his boots and pared his
nails, and tied fresh cravat he cleaned
his teeth, pulled down his cuffs, and
polished up his hat ; he dimmed with
flour the radiance of his fiery red nose,
for, hanging with that vessels wash,
he spied sone ladies' hose.
Once more on deck, the strangers
hull he riddled with ball, and yelled /:
Ahoy, what boat is that?" In answer
to his call, the skipper on the other boat
answered in thunder tones "This is
the bark Matilda, and her captains
name is JONES'
The pirate told hisbold corsairs to man
the jolly boats, TO board the bark and
seize thecrew, and slit their tarry throats,
and then to give his compliments to
Captain Jones and say, he wished that
he and Mrs. Jones would come and
spend the day.
They reached the bark, they killed the
crew, they threw them in the sea and
then they sought the captain, who was
mad as he could be, because his wife
who saw the whole sad tragedy, it seems
made all the ship yociferous with her
outrageous screams.
But when the pirates message came,
she dried her streaming tears, and said,
although she'd like to come, she had
unpleasant fears, that his social status
being very evidently low, she might
meet some common people, whom she
wouldn't care to know.
Her husbands aged father, she ad-
mltted dealt in bones, but the family
descended from the famous Duke de
Jones /; and such blue blooded people,
that the rabble might be checked, had
to make their social circle excessively
select.
Before she visited him in the ship she
wanted him to say, the Smythes had re-
cognlzed him in social, friendly way
did the Jonsons ever ask him round to
their ancestral hall? Was he noticed
by the Thomsons Was he asked to
Simms' ball?
The pirate wrote that Thomson was
his best and oldest friend that he had
stopped at Jonson's when he had q week
to spend. AS for the Smythes, they
worried him with their ineessant calls,
his very legs were weary with the dance
az Simms' balls.
The scoundrel fibbed most shame
lessly, In fact he only knew lot of
Smiths without "a most plebian
crew. His JOnsOns used vulgar h, his
Thomsons spelled with p, his Simmses
had but one III, and they were common
as could be.
Then Mrs. Jones mussed up her hair
and donned her best delaine, and went
with Captain Jones aboard the schooner
Mary Jane. The pirate won her heart
at once, by saying, with smile, he
never saw woman dressed in such ex-
quisite style.
was very just, when she noticed how
familiar the Jonson's he discussed. Her
aristocratic scruples then were quickly
laid aside, and when the pirate smiled
on her, reciprOcally she sighed.
No sooner was the newer love within
her bosom born, than Jones was looked
upon by her with hatred and with scorn.
She said twas true his ancestor was
famous Duke de Jones, but she shud-
dered to remember that his father dealt
in bones.
So then they got at Captain Jones and
hacked him with sword, and chopped
him into little bits and tossed him over
board. The chaplain read the service,
and the captain of the bark, before the
widows weeping eyes, was gobbled by
a shark.
The chaplain turned the prayer-book
o'er, the bride took of her glove, they
swore to honor, to obey, to cherish and
to love. And freighted full of happi-
ness, across the oceans foam, the
schooner glided rapidly, toward the pl-
rates home.
And when of ecstacy and joy their
hearts could hold no more. that pirate
dropped his anchor down and rowed his
wife ashore. And as they sauntered up
the street, he gave his bride a poke and
said, Z" In them there mansions live the