The state rights democrat. [volume] (Albany, Linn County, Oregon) 1865-1900, 1873-09-12

The controller general--Cupid.
True to the core--a good apple.
How to manage a crying baby--let
it cry.
A good nurseryman--the father Of
large family.
When does chair dislike you :?
When it can't bear you.
Dangerous acquaintance = Those
who "take life" cheerfully.
Matchless misery Having cigar
and nothing to light it with.
"What is hopeP" "The sleep of
people who are wide awake"
To what place would you consign
q bad Conservative A Reform-a-
Tory.
Why are handouts like guide
books? Because they are made for
two wrists.
Melancholy suicide-A little boy,
on being threatened with whipping,
hung his head.
The fork is very quarrelsome-It
is perpetually throwing something
into your teeth.
Why is nature like a babyp Be-
cause there is generally squall when
its face is washed.
Little girl at the breakfast table
Mamma, this is very old butter
I've found gray hair in it,"
'You exhaust my patience, cried a
doctor to his wife. "You exhaust
your patients worse than do" was
the reply.
A school boy remarks that when
his teacher undertakes to show him
what is what, he only finds out which
is switch.
At coroner's inquest, witness
was asked, "What was the last thing
seen by the deceased!' Kerosene" /"
was the reply.
A man at De Soto, Iowa, lately
swallowed several Of his teeth while
playing croquet.
When naughty little boy breaks
a window be should be punished, on
the principle that panes and penalties
go together.
A $50 900 libel suit has been COM
menced against the Chicago Times by
a young lawyer whom it called O
shyster, and eleven more suits are to
follow.
Irate party to bus-driver-"Why
didn't you attend to my hailP" Bus
driver, with dignity and "pulling
team"-"'Cause I had my hands full
of rein"
A Kentucky farmer kills potato
bugs by reading Eli Perkins jokes
to them until they laugh, and, then
splitting tobacco juice down their
throats.
There is purple half to the grape,
a mellow half to q peach, a sunny
half to the globe, and better half
to the man that is so fortunate as to
have good wife.
A gentle being at Marion, Ind,
lately caught sandhill crane, hung
it up alive by its heels all night, then
plucked off most Of its feathers, and
ADVERTISED an ostrich for exhibition.
"Pure love is monarch of all diff
fculties. Beautiful and light-footed,
like the leopard, it leaps the chasm
of separation, and crouches delight
ed at the feet Of his ownp just 30.
An Alabama Congressman was ad-
vised to turn his back pay to the
poor of his town. He did so by Civ
it to his wife. She has "turned it
over" several times. She is shaving
notes with it.
An Indiana man, who shot another
afterward repented, wrote II his
victim that if he would op}r get well I,
he would give hi8' SIC, 900. The =, =
wounded peE0n expressed a willing ~
ness to 81 well at any price. Fl
,JsI Billings says; II will state
or the information OF those who % ~
haven't had chance to lay in sekrit 4
wisdum as freely az have, that one n Mf
single hornet, who feels well, can re-
oreak up whole camp-meeting."
The Houston (Texas) Mercury ex-
presses the opinion that it is neoessa- =
" for the better security Of our A
borders that we should possess q "
Ilice Of Mexican soil, and that the
people are ripe for any move that n,
ends toward its acquisition. =
A rural correspondent Of the OIL
mans Journal, in describing belle
If the occasion, says she "wore q
ihowy white dress, enlivened with =
pink, which was in harmony with her
oily good nature" Pink good-na-
ured harmony is a desirable quality.
A Maine girl who was Awakened
he other night by the fash Of a light !,
n her room, jumped out Of bed and 8
burglar creeping on all p
ours through the hall. She scream z
d and threw q bed-wrenoh at him, z
nd he scampered down stairs and Z
'ut Of doors. "
This is the Nellie Grant bathing g
nit which has become so fashionable 5
I all the seaside summer resorts: A g
iaribaldi waist, with sailor collar; 8
short skirt attached to the waist by t.
belt and trousers; hempen shoes y
nd chip hat tied down with q 9
road band Of ribbon. Ash gray, =
ound with scarlet, and blue with d
hite are the favorable combinations.
A civil service committee in Wash
lgton asked an applicant for q clerk
zip what was the distance Of the
lanet Saturn from the earth. The
lndidate answered that be was un- -
Die to state the distance in miles,
Ut did not think IL was sufficiently
sar to interfere with the perform
ice Of his duties as o clerk, nor to ,
,e,ot him a danira IN maddla with