The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1873-04-19
THE INTERVIEWER
by JOSH BILLINGS.

pity the poor Interviewer, he IL not al
Wus bad phellOw at heart, but hiz trade
| IL mean one, and the Dizziness haz spite
him.
| would rethcr lead blind mule on the
tow-path for "a living, or retail soft klam>
from rickctty Wagon, than to be an inter
viewer and worry people with questions they
wuz atradc tcw answer and too vain tew re
fuse.
The Interviewer is a human hosstrlch, feed
ing on cnnything he kan find, and digesing
eazy emmy thing he can swallo.
| He IL kind ov cultivated hycna and makes
yc shuddcr to think, that at emmy moment he
may turn wild, and begin to hunt for Il human
bectstakc
He haz just brancS cnutf tcw keep hiz i'm.
pudcncc aktv, and tho he has but little NAL
ice, he will hunt yu sharper, and worry yu
wuss, than a canal-boat bedbug.
lie IL like ritch cheeze, chuck full on lit,
tie things.
Thare IL no cskaping this breed ov llritters 4;
if yu run they'll oyertake yu, if yu steal into
yure hole they either dig for yu, or else they
will stand around on the outside till VI cum
out.
They are wuss than flee tcwa long haired
dog.
Intcrviewcrs are "a cross between the old
and are Il pesky Improvement on both,
Death itself is no eskape from the Inter
viewer, for they will hang around the depart
urc till they get an item, and then go for the
widow
The interviewer would rather tell the truth
if he can, but aint discouraged if he IL forced
to tell what Amt So.
They are NJ dangerous tew admit into yrrc
kontidence AZ a pick pocket IL, not bckause
they will take any spoons, but hckauSc WI
are half afraid they will.
Modcsty would ruin an interviewer, deli
kacy would unfit him for Dizziness, he kan
even thrive without being honest, and tew
make him an adept in his calling, he don't re.
quire emmy more tenderness than an under
taker duZ
You kan git rid ov II hornet by brakeing
his mex, w kan out run ball snaik, and kan
hide from the sheriff, but the interviewer, like
the cursid muSkCctCr in the dark, hOverS near
yu, and if he don't blight, hc sings, which IL
the wuStest oy the two.
have been lit onto by the interviewer mi
self and have answered his questions, az hon.
est az ever n child did the katckiSm, and the
next day read the dialogue in the morning
paper, and it wuZ all az new few me ~ Old
Prohabilitiz log of the weather
Don't never tell any SckrctS tcw an Inter
viewer; he will open them NJ they open ovs.
ters in the market, and retail them on the half
shell
treat all intcrvewcrs politely; when they
begin 10 bait me, ask them to smoke q new
er knu one To rcruScJ and when they press me
too cluSSly then begin tn whiSScll
| am an awful poor whistler emmy how
do really pity the poor interviewer; he
works for hiz bread like emmy other skribblcr,
ana Tor what kno, hates the biziness but
am SAD when say, that if he IL good at in
|"rNieWing, he is too impudcnt To be good for
emmy thing else
sum people luv tcw he interviewed, and
must say, these kind ov pholkS never reach
lnc dignity of inpudencc; they are simply
disgusting
Il Kant gil a iourneyman interviewer tcw
waste emmy time on such stale goods: he
would az soon think ov interviewing a last
year blrd'S nest or a kuntry glide board
There IL no kurc for reglar interviewer;
he thirstS for the game like fox hound ON
the trak; he livs upon plumber. and would
rather bc sent up for 30 dazr than to see hiz
column in the morning Go.stfs without a
trophy.-N J. Wseliy.