Buchanan County bulletin. [volume] (Independence, Iowa) 1869-1891, 1873-01-31
THEsANDWICH ISLANDS.
What Mark Twain Knows About
Then-A Specimen Ministsr-Why
They Should He Annexed.
From the New York Tribune.

TAO0-A SpoC1mOn 01010Cor- w ny
They Should He Annexed.
From the New York Tribune.
A SPECIMEN MINISTER.
The "Royal Ministers" are natu-
raj curiosities. They are white
men of various nationalities, who
have wandered thither in times
gone by. l will give you speci-
men-but not the most favorable.
Harris, for instance. Harris is an
Americana long-legged, vain,
lightweight village lawyer from
New Hampshire. If he had brains
in proportion to his leggs, he would
make Solomon seem failure; if his
modcsty equaled his ignorance, he
would make violet seem stuck-up;
if his learning equaled his vanity,
he would make even Humbolt seem
as unlettered as the backside of a
tombstone; if his nature were pro-
portioned to his conscience, he
would be gem for the microscope;
if his ideas were as large as his
words, 1t would take a man three
months to walk around one Of them;
if an audience were to contract to
listen as long as he would talk, tha,
audience would die Of old age; and
if he were to talk until he SAID
something, he would still be on his
hind legs when the last trump soun
ded. And he would have cheek
enough TO wait till the disturbance
was over, and 60 on again.
Such is Tor was) his ExceIlency
Mr.. Harris, his late Majcsty's Min
lister of this, that, and the other
for he was little of everything;
and particularly and always he was
the Kings most obcdient humble
servant and loving worshiper, and
his chief champion and mouthpiece
in The parliamentary branch of
ministers. And when question
came up Gt didn't make any diff
ference what it was), how he would
rise up and saw the air with his
bony fails, and storm and cavort
and hurl sounding emptiness which
he thought was cloquence, and dis
charge bile. which he fancied was
satire, and issue drcary rubbish
which he took for humor, and ac-
companicd it with contortions of
his undertaken countcnance which
he believed to be comic express
ion
lie began in the islands as a
little, obscure lawyer, and rose ()
to be such many-side official gran
dee that sarcastic folk dubbed him,
"the wheels Of the government" !"
He became great man in pigmy
land-hc was OF the calibrc that
other countries construct constables
and coroners of. / do not wish to
seem prejudiced against Harris,
and l hope that nothing | have
said will convey such an Impress
ion. must be an honest historian,
and to do this in the present case |
have to reveal the fact that this
stately figure, which looks so like
ashington monument in the dis
tancc, is nothing but a thir,y-dollar
windmill when you get close to
him.
Harris loves to proclaim that he
is no longer an American, and is
proud of it; that he is Hawaiian
through and through, and is proud
of that, too; aud that he is willing
subject and servant Of his lord and
master, the King, and is proud and
grateful that it is so.
WHY WE SHOULD ANNEX.
Now, let us annex the islands.
Think how we could build up that
whaling trade! Though under
our courts and judges it might soon
be as impossible for whaleships to
rendezvous there without being
flecced and "pulled" by sailors and
pct,itoggers as i: now is in San
Francisco-and place the shippers
shun as they would rocks and
shoals. Let us annex. We could
make sugar enough there to supply
all America, perhaps, and. d.the prices
would be very easy with the duties
removed. And then we would have
such fine halfway house for our
Pacitic-plying ships; and such a
convenient supply depot and such a
commanding sentry-box for an
armed squadron; and we could
raise cotton and coffee there and
make it pay pretty well, with the
duties off and capital easier to get
at. And then we could own the
mightiest volcano on earth
KiIauea! Barnum could run it
he understands fire now. Let us
annex, by all means. We could
pacify Prince Bill and other mobiles
easily enough-put them on the
reservation. Nothing pleases a
savage like a reservation-a reser-
walton where he has his annual
hoes, and Bibles and blankets to
trade for powder and whisky-a
sweet Arcadian +, treat fenced in
with soldiers. BY anncxing, we
would get all of those $4,000 ma
tives cheap as dirt, with their moral
and other diseases thrown in. No
expense of education-they are al
ready educated; no deed to convert
thcm-they are already converted;
no expense to clothc them-for OBJ
vious reasons.
We must annex those people. We
can aff1ict them with our wise and
beneficicnt government. We can
introduce the novelty Of thieves, all
the way up from strcet-car pick
pockets to municipal robbers and
government defaulters, and show
them how amusing it is to arrest
them and try them and then turn
the IN loose-somc tor cash and some
for "political influence" We can
make them ashamed Of their simple
and primitive justice. We can do
away with their OCCASIONAL hang
ings for murder, and let them have
Judge Pratt t" teach them how to
save imperiled Avery-assasins to
society. We can give them some
Barnards to keep their money cor
porations out Of difficulty. We can
give them juries composed entirely
OF the most simple and charming