Shenandoah herald. [volume] (Woodstock, Va.) 1865-1974, 1873-05-15

from inc DanDury NOVEL;
Putting up stove is not so difficult
in itself. 1t is the pipe that raises
four-hfths of the mischief and all the
dust. You may take down a stove
with all the care in the world, and
have your wife put away the pipe il
q secure place, and yet the pipe won't
come together again as it was before
You find this out when you are stand
ing on chair with your arms full o.
pipe and your mouth full of scot
Your wife is standing ON the floor in
| a position that enables her to sss you
the pipe, and the chair; and here she
| gives utterance to those remarks that
are calculated to hasten a man into
the extremes of insanity. Her dress
rs pinned owe, her waist, and hel
hands rest on her hips. She has got
one Of your hats on her head, ano
| your liren coat on her back, and 9
pair of your rubbers on her feet
| There is about five cents worth Of
pot-black on her nose, and lot Of
-four on her chin, and altogether she
is spectacle that would inspire 3
dead man with distrust. And while
you are up there trying to clrcumvent
! the awful contrariness OF the pipe, and
telling that you know some fool has
| been mixing it, she stads safely one
the floor and bombards you with such
domestic notices as: "What's the use
Of swearing 500" you know no one
has touched that pipe" f:You amt
got any more patience than a child.
"Do be careful Of the chair" And
she goes of, and reappears with the
an arn,ful more Of pipe, and before
you are aware Of it she has got that
pipe so horribly mixed up that it does
seem no two pieces are alike. You
join the ends, and work them to and
fro, and take them apart again aud
look at them. Then you spread one
out and jam the other together, and
mount them once more. But it is no
90. You begin to think the pieces
are inspired with life, and ache to
kick, them through the window. But
she doesn't lose her patience. She
goes around with that awfully exasper-
ing rigging on, with length Of pipe
under each arm, and a longhandled
broom in her hand, and says she don't
seen how it is some people never have
any trouble in putting up a stove.
Then you miss the hammer You
don't see it anywhere. You stare
into the pipe and along the mantle,
and down on the stove, and off to the
floor. Your wife watches you intent
ly, and is finally thoughtful enough
to inquire what you are looking after,
and on learning. pulls the article from
her pocket Then you feel as if you
could go out doors and swear hole
twelve feet square through block of
brick buildings, but she merely obser-
yes, "Why don't you speak
when you want anything, and not
stare around like dummy" When
that part of the pipe which goes
through the wall is up, she keeps it
up with her broom while you are max
ing the connection, and stares at it
with an intensity that is entirely un-
called for. All the while your posi-
ton is becoming more and more in
teresting. The pipe don't go together,
of course. The SCOT shakes down into
your eyes and mouth, the sweat rolls
down your face and tickles your chin
as it drops off, and it seems as if your
arms are slowly but surely drawing
out of their sockets. Here your wife
comes to the rescue by inquiring if
you are going to be all day doing
nothing, and if you think her arms
are made of cast iron; and then the
broom slips of the pipe, and in her
endeavor to recover her hold she jabs
you under the chin with the handle;
and the pipe comes down on your
head with its load Of fine SCOT, and
then the.chair tits forward enough to
discharge your fset, and you come
down on the wrong end Of that chair
with a force that would bankrupt a
pile-dfiYcr. You don't touch that
stove again. You leave your wife ex,
amining the chair and bemoaning its
injuries, and go into the kitchen and
wash your skinned and bleeding hands
with yellow soap. Then you so down
the street after man to do the bust
ness, and your wife goes over to
the neighbors with her chairs and
tells them about its injuries, and drains
the noighborhood dry Of its sympathy
long before you get home.