The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1873-12-29

twas CONN they carried me on in"
"Worth makes the man." but it must be at
least one hundred thousand dollars worth.
Tobacco-Bane Of women joy of men;
The formers enemy, the latter's friend.
''We see," said Swift, in one of his most
caustic moods, "what God thinks of riches by
the people he gives them to-"
Young Lady, Cat the post offlce): eff l
don't get letter by this mail, l want to
know what he was doing Sunday, that's all.'
A sportsman proves his superiority to his
wife, Elizabeth, by saying that she is Bet,
but he is better.
Hyou wish to travel cheaply, patronize
those railroads which advertise to carry their
passengers Through without change"
A Kentucky jury has justly decided that
$4,000 would scarcely compensate Miss Tubb
for the breach of promise which deprived her
of an opportunity to change her name.
'What comes after T?'' asked teacher of
a small pupil who was learning the alphabet.
He received the bewildering reply, ''You do
to see 'Lize."
A Dubuque man hired policeman, at So
per night, to watch his wife, and she was at
same time paying the same man 81 per night,
to watch her husband
The last match in the box generally fails
to burn; so he who walks in the dark all his
life, and striks for life only on his death bed,
is in danger of awakening naught but strong
odor of birthstone.
Quite number of young men in this city
are attending night school, where Latin is
taught. At least we judge so, as we saw a
crowd the other evening who had got so far
as ''hic."
First Visitor-"What fine eyes little Victor
hasn' Second ditto fond of quoting)-"Yes,
he has IAN eye like Mars.'" Hostess (young
rich, beautiful and ignorant)-' you think
so really? Now, have always thought thai
he has his fathers eyes.''
Husband-"Why don't you wear hair and
things. and dresses, and look like other wom
| en?'
Wife-''What! and have everybody say
What pity that handsome woman married
that ugly little mani Oh, nov'
A musician, George Sharp, has his name
on his door-plate thus: sc. Sharp" A was
of painter, who knows something about
music early one morning made the following
uudeniable and very significant addition Il
it: ''Is A Flat"
A young beau, at his sisters evening party
began to sing, 'Why am / so weak ant
weary?" when little brother brought the
| performance to a sudden close by yelling out
Aunt Mary says it's cause you come hom,
50 late and drunk most every night?'
| There's magical isle up the River Time,
| Where the sot est Of airs are paying;.
There's cloudless sky and tropical cline,
| And a voice az sweet a vesper chime,
| And the Junes with the roses are staying
| And the name of this isle is the Long Ago,
And We bury our treasures there;
, There are brows Of beauty and bosoms of snow
There ale beaps Cf dust. but we loved them sol
There are trinkets and tresses of hair.
| st Louis Democrat: Fritz was observed 60
ing along the street yesterday with slipper
on, and, when asked what the matter was
replied: ''Oh, nothings; yust put on dre
or four bairs of stosching to gets mine foot
measured in by ter tam shoemaker to foo
him, so as Ter boots be so pig as mine fee
| goes in-dat ish all'
| A minister had negro in his family. On
Sunday, when he was preaching he happene'
to look into the pew where the negro was
and could hardly contain himself, as he sa,
the negro, who could not read or write word
scribbling away most industriously. Afte
meeting, he said to the negro, ''Tom, wha
were you doing in church? % "Taking notes
massa; all the gemmen takes notes." ''Brin
| your notes here and let me see them" Ton
brought his notes, which looked more lik
Chinese than English. "Why, Tom, this
all nonsense" 4 thought so, massa, all tn
time that you was preaching it."