Wood County reporter. [volume] (Grand Rapids [i.e. Wisconsin Rapids], Wis.) 1857-1923, 1873-09-04
PHUNNYGRAMS.

"A homesick San Franciscan, who is
visiting the East, finds occasional relief
by having sand squirted in his face and
down his back with bellows DuuBury
Nelcs
"A Connecticut admirer of Alexander
Stephens wrote to him asking if sassafras
was good for the blood, and Mr. Stephens
wrote back on sixteen pages of note paper
that it was.
A Danbury man who is rather unfor
tunately married, being requested by his
wife to have the ice man stop there, said
it was scold enough at the house now to
suit ham, and then lodged.
"A lonesome-looking old man called
at the Washington Savings-Bank in
Savannah the other day and deposited his
money, because he knew that George
would never let his bank bust"
A young man from the country slap
ped big copper cent under the nose of
the stamp clerk at the Troy post-office the
Other day, saying: Il guess III take one
OF them 'eer pastoreal-cards, mister"
A teacher wko in fit of vexation call
ed her pupils set ofyoung adders, on be-
ing reproved for her language apologiZed
by saying that she was speaking to those
just commencing their arithmetic.
doctor" said thick4headed youth
to kgassiz, "you once said that fish is the
proper food for men to eat who have
brain work to perform. How much ought
to eat to tone Eae up properly" About
two whales" was the reply.
Nineteen of every twenty persons
who write family letter, after closing
with the injunction to write again as
soon as you can" tilt back and devoutly
exolaim: Thank Heaven, that job is
done.'-Danbu7Y Mems.
When there is not a breath of air stir
ring, and you are in danger of sitting,
attempt to light a cigar out doors, and
you will be surprised at the breeze that
Will start up. We have seen a man try
this experiment in a dead calm, and by
the time he had scratched thirteen
matches it was really so windy as to be
MISUNDERSTANDING Noes.
"A gentleman of Fairhault INDUCED
himself by smoking cigar while milk
ing bis COW the other evening. During
the process he let the warm end of his
cigar come in contact with the cows
flank, and the next thing he knew he was
sitting down on a brOad-aNe in another
part of the yard from his original location
The hired girl does the milking now, and
will until the cash left by the broad-axe
heals
Our neighbOr Church was married
four times, and his wives were all buried
in certain graveyard. It becomes neces.
sary, ultimately, to remove the remains of
the dear departed to another cemetery.
Church himself was unable to tell which
was Emily and which was Hannah After
doing the best he could he had the four
graves closed; but, being strictly accur-
ate man, he felt that it would be wrong to
use the old headstones, when he was not
at all certain that Hannah's dust might
not all be under her tombstone. So, in
order to be precise he had a new set made
with such inscriptions as these: 'Here
lies Hannah Church land probably a part
of Emily) who was born" &c, &c.
Sacred to the memory OF Mary Church,
(whO seems to be mixed with Matilda,
who was bOrn,' &c, &c.
Stranger pause and drop a tear
Fer Emily Church lies buried here.
Mingled, in some perpexing manner,
With Mary, Matilda and probably Hannah. "
All the wives seemed satisfied with this
arrangement; but some of Church's moth
ers-in-law considered that his responsible
ity as man of veracity is altogether too
fine-M0r Adeler.
"A correspondent writes to the Chris
tian Union: my mother had domestic
in her service who was remarkable for
her Partingtonian speeches. | will give
some instances below: One day she re-
marked that it was no wonder people in
this country had the djscrepsy, for they
Jared so continuously. At another time
she said, L leave my money in the bank
to get c0hJou1ad interest Again, when
she waited upon the door and was asked
who came in, she answered, 1 did not
recolize her At another time she said
that one of her friends went to the BluebeW
hospital and got oocc5cated Her brothers
child was sick and after her return from
a visit to her brother, she said, They have
an Glapaca doctor, and took his descrip-
tton to the druggets; and you may know
the child was very sick, for paid dol
lar for the medicine Speaking of soda
being used in cooking, she said she did
not approve of such combusttbtes. Some
one made remark about the quantity of
coal used, oh, yes she said, that stove
adn10nishes a great deal of COAL She
thought that parents nowadays did not
set good parallels to their children"
ais WOMAN" anxiously inquiries an
Eastern paper, "better than MANI" She
certainly is for some purposes, but she