Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1873-12-12
Il UM0R.

UMOR.
Says the Detroit Free Press: Gin the pc |
lice court the other day, when man was
about to be tried for assault and battery,
he brought forward his boy, ten years old,
rs witness The justice asked the lad if
he knew the nature of an oath, and the
boy said his father had explained it. "What
did he say % asked the justice. "He said,
that if I didn't swear that the other fellow
struck first he'd tan the hide off my back"
replied the boy. He wasn't used on the
stand.
AS will be seen by ga Challenge" in to-
days paper, Mr.. Stands wants an oppor-
tunity to prove the doctrine of universal
salvation. Mr.. Stands is a comparative
stranger in the community, but if he sue
ceeds in establishing the fact that there
is no hell, he will endear himself at once
to the hearts of our people.-Missonri
Bruns,oscker.
Sharkey, the escaped murderer, is by no
means stony-hearted man. He left note
for the warden of the Tombs, couched as
follows: ''My dear Johnson-Send those
old prison clothes Of mine to the Commits
sioners Of Charities. hear this will be
hard winter for the poor"
s'It's very large church, but they can
hear distinctly in the back pews," said a
friend speaking of sanctuary. $50 is my
church very LARGE replied DIR. s.;
ssbut the trouble is I don't talk to the back
pews, as there is never anybody in them"
Irascible old party-"Conductor, why
didn't you wake me as asked you Here
am miles beyond my station" Conduc-
tori did try, sir, bnt all could get out
of you was sall right, Maria; get the chill
dren their breakfast, and I'll be down in a
minute"
A gentleman, in search of man to do
some work, met on his way lady not as
young as she once was, and asked her:
ssCan you tell me where I can man pr
ssNo, cannot she replied, ''for l have
been looking for one these twenty years
for myself
A bunch Of shingles fell from wagon on
the Troy ferry-boat recently and struck
fairly upon the head of colored woman,
who said: ssY' oughter be ashamed to
muss cullud woman's har dat way.
wish de shingles fell ovah board"
Upon the "outer wall" of neighboring
female college the other morning, was dis
covered, conspicuously displayed, the sign,
domestic Sewing Machines" Some OF
those specimens of total depravity known
as college students did it.
A little boy has been fairly driven from
school by the disgraceful persecution OF the
other scholars, who tainted him with the
fact that his father had been New York
iuryman. -Daq,bawy Ne,cs.
Mrs. Swisshelm propounds the momen-
tous conundrum whether woman's intel
lectual address is dependent on dress, and
before you have time to give it up answers
''of corset is"
ssMynheer do you know for what we
call our boy Hans ?" "Do not, really. y
ssWell, I tell you. Der reason dat we call
our boy Hans, dat ish his name"
.sBoy what has become Of the hole | saw
in your pants the other day ?" Young
America, carefully examining his unmen-
tionables-"It's worn out, sir"
An Industrious wife is making straw
hat for her husband out of the straws used
by him in his sherry cobblers last sum-
mer.
"Gath" says that Washington city be-
tween Van Buren's time and Buchanan's
was pretension and poverty eked out by
gaming, and borrowing, duelling and post
ing.
Diogenes hunted in the daytime for an
honest man with lantern: if he had lived
in these times, he would hav needed the
he'd lite ov a locomotiff. Josh Billings.
ssOur fellow-townsman John Knox went
galloping out of Centreville on a pale horse
last night, /" is the gist of feeling obituary
notice in Louisiana paper.
Mrs. Darlington will not allow Ike to
play the guitar. She says he had it once
when he was child, and it nearly killed
him.
A Western woman complained that since
her husband joined the Patrons of Hus-
bandry he has sown nothing but wild oats. |
Since the new-fangled buckles came in |
vogue, it is extraordinary how door-plates |
in the rural districts have disappeared.
p,r1;noton Iowa man holloht 1ioh%
axe because his wife was sick, and could |
not chop very well with heavy one
A man at Andover, Mass, does not be-
lieye in fall in prices, because he has just |
sold for fifty cents a pocket-knife which he |
bought for that price in 1909, and had used |
steadily for sixty-four years.
A Rochester editor went hunting the |
other day for the first time in twenty-five |
years, and he was lucky enough to bring
down an old farmer by shot in the leg
The distance was 66 yards.
A lazy editor in Ohio reads all his ex-
changes in bed. He finds it the easiest |
way to fill up his sheet.
Quiet, but firm. Wanted, by strong |
German, a situation in an eating house.
He understands the business"
The same engine at Spencer, Mass,
grinds sausages and prints the village pa
per.
Uncle-eNow, how did the mother of |
Moses hide him?' Niece-s'With stick
.