davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1873-04-25

A man who SHORES was de-
scribed by his friend, the other
day, as follows: "Snores Oh 10,
( guess not--no name for IL!
When you wake upin the morning,
and find that the house you lodge
in has been removed half a mile
during the night by the respiratory
vehemence OF a fellow.lodger, you
may get some idea of that fellows
performance. His landlady gets her
house moved hack by turning his
bed aromd."
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1873-04-25

HAN sT.-When a ham is ready
for the table, take off as much OF it
as you require, and mince itup very
finley. To one pint Of mince, put two
tablespoontuls of cream, or fresh,
rich milk. Boil it five minutes; pre-
pare well-buttered slices oftoast, and
spread the mince on them. Strew
over this well-grated brcadcrums,
a little parsley, and some small
pieces otbutter. Brown in a quick
oven, and serve hot
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1873-04-25
A REMARKABLE DESK.

An Omaha paper gives the fol-
lowing description ofa magnificent
desk, made by a man in Montana
as a gift to President Grant:
Yesterday afternoon there arriy-
ed in this city, by the Uuion Pacific,
a magnificent piece OF handiwork
in the shape of a desk, which was
being taken on to Washington as a
gilt to Gen. Grant from the build
er, Frederick E. Schultze, ofBore-
man, 100 miles from Helena, in
Montana Territory. 1t was shipped
in four sections, or boxes, and de-
scription Of it, obtained from one
who knew all about it, is we'll
worth producing for the perusal Of
our readers. 1t was moulded after
rock at Wind river, and i four sto-
ries in height. In the first story
there is a book-stand on each side,
and il the centre there is a place for
a seat. The second story is a sec
retary, and is composed OF three
revolving cylinders, which, upon
mearely touching q spring, can
be turned around bringing into
view six drawers, amiror, ink
stand, pigeon-holes, &c. A libra
ry for fine books composes the third
story, while the fourth is an arch
which can berevolved SO as to show
either side. The desk, when
placed into position, is II feet high.
Nine hundred ieet oSScelar aud 200
feet of pine were used in its construc-
ton, and it consists of 4,l09 diff
ferent pieces, aud not a nail or screw
can be found in it, none having
been used. The weight is 1890
pounds. The ornamental work is
Of the most ingenious design, being
inlaid, and Of the finest polish.
Two years were consumed by Mr..
Schultze, assisted by HIS son Fritz,
in building this remarkable piece Of
furniture. 1t was al done by hand,
there being no machinery in Bore
man, which is 3 place Of only about
three hundred inhabitants.
Prot. Hayden, who, when he was
West saw the desk, says that
it is one of the finest pieces Of work
manship in the world, and he is
lending some assistance to Mr..
Schultze in bringing it to Wash
ington. An influential man named
Beck has already gone TO WASH
ington to make preparations for the
reception Of the desk upon its arri-
val there.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1873-04-25

At first the good people ofDix-
ford were SO shocked that they were
tempted not to allow Parson
Bracket to preach to them; but be-
fore the time for the service arrived
he had SO explained matters that
the weight Of blame was lifted from
his shoulders. He preached on that
Sabbath, and on the following day
he sold bis trotter at big advance
ou the price he had paid for him.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1873-04-25

Cur TINS OUT.--A tea made
ofchestnut leaves, and drank IN the
place Of water, is said to cure the
most obstinate case ofdropsy.
Atea made ofripe or dried whortle.
berries, and drank in the place Of wa
ter is a sure and speedy cure for a
scrofalous difficulty however bad.
A tea made Of peach-lesves is a sure
cure tor a kidney difficulty.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1873-04-25
A Pair Of SpectacIes.

The late General B--going post
haste to Ireland on some extraordi-
nary business which would not
permit the incumbrance ola retinue,
stopped to dine at the inn on
the Chester road, and ordered a
pair Of ducks which he saw ready
at the kitchen fire, up to bis table.
The Generals desire had Just
been complied with when some
country chaps came in, hungry as
hawks, after the morning sport.
They eagerly inquired what could
be had to eat. Like q true Bon
riface, the landlord enumerated what
he had not, to apologize for what
he had, and, among others things,
mentioned the ducks which had
been only a moment before served
up for the Irish gentleman's dinner
"Irish johtleman?" glibbingly
exclaimed one of the group. "l'll
lay fifty to five that he don't know
B from a BULBS foot. Here, waiter,
take my watch up to the iontleman,
presenting my compliments, and
request him to tell me what o'clock,
it is"
The General heard the message,
took the watch, and with great
temper returned his respecps, with
the assurance that as soon as he
had diued he would endeayor to
satisfy their inquiry.
The testers chuckled at the en-
barrasSment which they imagined
the igl.orant IriShman was led INTO:
sat down to regale themselves on
whatever they could get but their
jolity was presently disturbed by
the entrance of a military figure,
who, with the politeness which is
the peculiar characteristic of the
army, advanced toward the table
where they were seated and present
ed the watch. -.
Gentleman" said he, 81 wish to
know its owner, as, from a message
sel't to me a little while ago, | pre-
sumo he is short-sighted, and | have
brought him a pair Of spectacles,"
pointing to . pair Of pistols under
his arm, Ito remedy the defect"
The joke was gone--the testers
were silent. The General delibe-
rately put the watch in his fob,
with a declaration that secured it
to him forever
"ientleman, ! am sorry for in
truding, as | fiud the owner is not |
among You; whenever he claims
it he shall haveit, Dut never without
a trial OF the spe tacles."
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1873-04-25

TO MAKE CocoANUT CANDY.
Rasp very fine a sound, fresh cocoa
nut, spread il on a dish and let it
dry naturally for three days. Four
ounces will be sufficient for a pound
Of sugar for most tastes, but more
can be used at pleasure. Boil the
sugar, and when it begins to be very
thick and white strew in the nut;
stir and mix It well, and do not
quit it for an Instant until it is fin
iSlled, Keep the pan a little above
the fire to prevent the nut from
burning.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1873-04-25

The Mormon conference was In full
blast on the 7th. The attendance was
large. Brigham Young delivered a
long discourse, the main point being
against the Gentle sectarian schools
being iltroducedfroM Babylon. Urged
mothers to educate their own children
and not allow outsiders to interfere
with the kingdom. He denounced
their growing tlisinclination to nay
tithing, as iMperllling the salvation ot
the people.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1873-04-25
The Best ssiEHsnlalat.

There are times when the pulse
lies low in the bosom, and beats low
in the veins; when the spirit sleeps
the sleep which, apparently, knows
no waking, in its house Of clay, and
the window-shutters are closed, and
the door is hung with the invisible
Grape ofmelancholy; when we wish
the golden sunshine pitchy darkness,
and are very willing to fancy clouds
were no clouds be. What shall
make the heart beat music again,
and the pulses dance to it through
all the myriad-thronge halls in our
house OF life? What shall make
the sun kiss the eastern hills again
for us, with all his old awakening
gladness, and the night overflow
with " moonlight, music, love, and
flowers p
Love itself is the stimulant, the
most intoxicating Of all, and per-
forms all these miracles; but it is a
miracle Itself, and is not at the
drugstore, whatever they say. The
counterfeit is in the market, but
the winged god is not a money
changer, we assure you.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1873-04-25

Always avoid the company in
which you are willing to tell a
coarse jest, because for you it is a
domoraIizing company. Grossuess
isnever humorous, profanity is never
admirable; and if your manner and
speech once begin to rayel ont on
that edge, all its manliness and
charm are in danger.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1873-04-25

1t will not do hereafter to say
of the dullest boy in the family that
he can be the farmer, because he
is unit for anything else. He must
have all the elements Of an earnest
man in linn, with good reasoning
and analytical powers, and no slow
blood or ill-directed brain; or else
though he may make . poor lawyer,
doctor, or politician, it is moi at all
probable he willsucceed as a farmer.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1873-04-25

LENGTH OF DAYs.-The days
Of summer grow longer as we 90
northward, and the days Of winter
shorter.
At Hamburger the longest day
has seventeen hours and shortest
seven.
At Stockholm the longest has
eighteen and a half hours and the
shortest five and a halt.
At st. Petersburg the longest
has nineteen and a half hours and
the shortest five hours.
At Finland the longest has twenty
one hours and a half and the short
est two and a half.
At Wandorbus, in Norway, the
day lasts from the 21st Of May
to the ID Of July-the sun not get
ting below the horizon for the whole
time, but skimming along very
close to it in the north.
At Spitzbergen the longest day
lasts three months.
The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1873-04-25
HUMOROUS.

Good news for husbands
Ladies were their dresses longer
than they used TO do.
People who are always wishing
for something new should try
neuralgia.
How do you know q house is
often hungry? Because we see the
chimney swallow flies.
A Bloomington, ILL.,, uncle lately
held a young husband while the
runaway bride was seized and
spanked by the irate father.
"Let the toast be, dear woman"
as the man said to his wife when
he wanted to eat it all himself.
Some one, feeling that actionsar are
better than words, has said: "We
read of the Acts of the Apostles,
but never Of their resolutions"
"There, now cried little Bessie,
the other day, rumaging q drawer
in the bureau, "Graudpa has gone
to Heaven without his spectacles."
A Western man at a "prayer
meeting" said, somewhat enyiously:
"Brother lawson can sing better
than | can, but by the grace Of
Heaven | can fiddle his shirt off.
Ifyou don't look carefully after
the bits Of your horse, you may one
day be looking after the bits Of
your wagon.
A certain clergyman who left a
notice in his pulpit to be read by
the preacher who exchanged with
him, neglected to denote carefully q
private postscript, and the congregs-
ton was astonished to hear the
stranger wind up by saying lyon
will please come to dine with me at
the parsonage"
Carpenters frequedtly become
not only bores, but also annoy peo.
pie with their old saws.
A Eop, in company. wanting his
servant, called out:" Where's that
blockhead of mine? 2" "On yonr
shoulders, sir"
The maddest man in Camden is
Smith. lie wound up his clock reg
ularly every night for fifteen years,
and then discoyerd that it was an
clock.
"When Shakespeare wrote about
patience on a monument did he
refer to doctors patients?" "No."
''How do you know he didn't?'
Because you always find them,
under a monument"
The Scarabaus, Or that which we
call the "tumble.bug," symboli2ed,
in ancient days, the resurrection.
The explanation is made because
Western editors are using the COM
pound term as one Of reproach in
their little name-calling tourna-
ments.
An Ohio girl, who was Tilted by
her lover, spoiled his beauty by
.aking her little pistol ard shooting
MS nose of.
Mrs. Minnie Myrtle Miller
vas we'll patronized in Ohio and
Indiana.
tits estimated that between S90O,-
100000 and $l,0OO,000,000 OF
American railway bonds have been
in Germany.
II say, cap'n," saida little-eyea
nan as he landed from the steam.
,oat Natchez" | say, cap'n, this
ne amt ALL"
"That's all the baggage you
,rought on board, SIR replied the
aptain.
"Well, see now, it's according to
boxes, three chests, two
Nam boxes, pormanty, two hams,
one part cut three ropes ofinyons,
md a teakettle; bus Pm dubersum.
feel there's something short,
hough Pve counted'em nine times.
nd never took my eyes off oy' EN-
While on board; there's something
lot right somehow"
"Well, stranger, the times up.
There's all ! know Of; 50 bring up
our vile aud five children out Of
he cabin, and we're off,
"Them's UNI darn it--them's
mi" he exclaimed. 81 knoYed
III E,,ace,,t s..rootI.., s.
Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1873-03-20
How Drinking Causes Apoplexx:

It is the essential nature of all wines
and spirits to send an increased amount
of blood to the brain. The first effect
of taking a glass of wine or stronger
form of alcohol, is to send the blood
there faster than common, hence the
circulation that gives the red face. 1t
increases the activity of the brain, and
it works faster, and SO does the tongue.
But the blood goes to the brain faster
than common, it returns faster, and no
special harm results. But suppose a
man keeps on drinking, the blood is sent
to the brain SO fast, in such large guam
titles, that in order to make room for it
the arteries have to enlarge themselves /;
they increase in size, and in doing so
they press against the more yielding and
fiaccid veins which carry the blood out
of the brain and thus diminish their
size, their pores, the result being that
the blood is not only carried to the arte-
ries of the brain faster than is natural
or healthful, but it is prevented from
leaving it as fast as usual hence dou-
BILE set of causes of death are in opera
ton. A man may drink enough brandy
or other spirits in a few hours, or even
minutes, to bring on fatal attack Of
| apoplexy.
Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1873-03-20
Extent of the Public Lands,

In the first 40 odd years of the exist
ence of the United States, the total cost
of all public lands, whether bought
from State or foreign countries, and in
elusive of the cost of their management
and sale, was about $48, 900, 900. In the
same period of time the sales amounted
to $37, 900, 900. At that. time QS32) the
Indians held the title to one-third of the
public domain within the States and
Territories, which was more than $40,
000, 900 acres. Our whole public domain
was then l, ,090, ,871, ,753 acres.
In 1859, Charles James Faulkner, In
an exhaustive speech to his constituents,
showed the whole public domain was
l 1854, 600, 900 acres, which had cost the
Government in money $195, ,361 900, or
thirteen times the late Alabama treaty
award. To extinguish the Indian titles
had cost $1O6, 600, 900; to pay Mexico,
$25, 600, 900; to buy Louisiana, 1913,
600, 900 (principal and interest) ; Florida,
do, Sc, 100000 Texas, $1O,OO0,0 900
Georgia, $3,OOO,000; release claims,
Sc, 900, 900; expenses of Land Office,
surveying and explorations, $15, 900, 600.
By 1872 the figures stood as follows
The public domain, unsold and unap-
propriated, 1870, ,529, ,562 acres. Relin.
quished already, ass, 900, 900 acres. Yet
the sales of public lands in 1871 pro
duced only So, ,333, 900.
Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1873-03-20
A Valuable Invention.

One Capt. Devorouze, a Frenchman,
has invented miners knapsack which
promises to prevent the future recur-
renee of death from choke-damp, SO
common in mines. Successful expert
ments have been made in the Paris cata-
combs. A glass case has been set up,
into which man goes with his KNAPP
sack and initiates miners actions. His
knapsack is of tin, and is filed with a
supply of vital air, reserve fund of
which is kept in a cylinder near by.
When the man stoops over, his nostrils
are closed by means of spring, and he
takes in the air through gutta-percha
tube with bone mouth-piece, which he
holds constantly in his mouth. The ap-
paratus interferes in no way with the
usual work of the miner, and, in the ex-
perimental glass-case, a man goes on
with his work in an atmosphere of car
bolic acid, which almost instantly kills o
rabbit and chicken that were placed IL
the same case, but without the saving
knapsack
Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1873-03-20
WHOLE NUMBER 3O8.
An AtrOciOus Habit.

There is a habit peculiar to many
walkers, which Punch, some years ago,
touchedupon satirically, but which seems
to have survived the TESTERS ridicule. 1t
is that custom of stopping friends in the
street, to whom we have nothing what
ever to communicate, but whom we en-
barrass for no other purpose than simply
to show our friendship. Jones meets his
friend Smith, whom he has met In nearly
the same locality but a few hours before.
During that interval, it is highly prob
able that no event of any Importance to
Smith, nor indeed to Jones, which, by a
friendly construction, Jones could imag
inc Smith to be interested in, has oc-
Cured, or is likely to occur. Yet both
gentlemen stop and shake hands ear
nestly. "Well, how goes it ?" remarks
Smith, with a vague hope that some
thing may have happened. $50, SO, !"
replies the eloquent Jones, feeling in
tuitively the deep vacuity of his friend
answering to his own. A pause ensuess,
in which both gentlemen regard each
other with an imbecile smile and fer
vent pressure of the hand. Smith draws
long breath and looks up the street !;
Jones sighs heavily and gazes down the
street. Another pause, In which both
gentlemen disengage their respective
hands and glance anxiouly around for
some conventional avenue of escape.
Finally Smith with a sudden assump-
ton of having forgotten an important en-
gagement) calculates, well, 1 must be
"a remark instantly echoed by the
voluble Jones, and these gentlemen sepa-
rate, only to repeat their miserable for
mula next day. In the above example I
have compassionately shortened the usual
leave taking, which, in skillful hands,
may be protracted to length which
shudder to recall. I have sometimes,
when an active participant in these afro
cious transactions, fingered in the hope
of saying something natural to my friend
| Feeling that he, too, was cropping In the
may labyrinths of his mind for like
expression) until have felt that we
ought to have been separated by police
man. It is astonishing how far the most
wretched joke will go in these emergen-
cies, and how it will, as it were, con-
vulsively detach the two cohering par
ticles. Ihavelaughed (albeithysterically)
at some witticism under cover of which
I escaped, that five minutes afterward /
could not perceive possessed grain OF
humor I would advise any person who
may fall into this pitiable strait that,
next to getting in the way. of passing
dray, and being forcibly disconnected, q
joke is the most ef6cacious. A foreign
phrase often may be tried with success
I have sometimes known an reUoiT pro-
nounced &" o-reveer" to have the effect
Gas it ought of severing friends-Bret
| HdTte
Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1873-03-20
WHAT THE CHOIR SANG ABOUT THE
NEW BONNETT.

foolish little maiden bought foolish little bonnet,
And, that the other aidens of the little town might
know it,
just to show it.
But though the little bonnet was scarce larger than
The getting Of it settled proved to be work of
time:
so when twas fairly tied, all the bells had stopped
their ringing, .
And when she came to meeting, sure enough, the
folks were singing.
So this foolish little maiden stood and waited at the
And she shook her ruffies out behind and smoothed
them down before.
"Halleluia! haileluja ~ sang the choir above her
Hardly knew you! hardly knew you'll" were the
words she thought they said.
This made the little maiden feel very, vera GROSS
That she gave her little mouth twist, her little head
toss;
For she thought the very hymn they sang was all
With the ribbon and the feather the bit of lace
upon it.
And she would not wait to listen to the sermon or
But pattered down the silent street and hurried up
the stair,
TIL she reached hen little bureau, and in a band
box on it ,,..,
Had hidden safe from critics eye her foolish little
bonnet.
Which proves, my little maidens, that each of you
In every Sabbath service but echo Of your mind
Will get blessing from sermon or from
prayers.
Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1873-03-20

doctor seemed to mix in with me, but I
didn't consider him no more than brush
fence, for was SO far gone thought
she could see nobody on earth but me.
Well, Squire, things went on so for about
month, and on Sunday I screwed up
my spunk and put the question to her.
She sorter laughed and sorter looked
one sided, and finally told me she couldn't
give me an answer just then, but if I'd
call at her house next Thursday evening,
she'd give me a final answer. Thinks !,
you're mine just as sure as there's fid-
dler below. Whenever q woman takes
time to study she'll say yes. Squire,
don't the poets say something about
the calculation of men and rats going
crooked ?'
"Mice, and men, Burns says" I
answered.
"We1, mice and rats is all one, and so
is men and fools sometimes, as I have
found out in my travels. I was so sure
she would have me that went off and
spent all my money for fine clothes,
the wedding-and did Confonnd that
widow, I sayl Confound all widows !!
Thursday evening came at last, although
it was long time about it, and over 1
went, dressed into fits and feeling as big
as Josh Raymor did when he was elected
Coroner. I got there about dark and
found right smart crowd collected,
which was not on the bills, but L felt as
big and as good as the rest of 'em. So
I marched in like blind mule into a
potato patch, and took seat by the fire.
didn't see anything of the widow, but
kept looking for her to come in and send
for me, and passed away the time cussin'
the crowd to myself, thinking they had
no business there, and I would not get
to talk to my woman bit. Presently
the door opened and in walked Polly
and the dad-burned doctor and whole
team of boys and girls fixed up savagely,
tell you. Hooked around for a fiddler,
thinking they were about to have ball,
but wondered what they all kept SO
still for, and was about proposin' reel,
when up gets little preacher, and before
you could swallow live oyster he had
Polly and the doctor married faster than
Mexican greaser could tie bulls horns.
was so completely fummuxed that sat
there with my mouth open like 1 was
going to swallow the whole crowd, and
my eyes looked like billiard balls till the
ceremony was over, when I jumped up
and beloved