The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1873-12-26
GOOD THINGS.

/
Exercise in moral comparison
Get on; get honor; get honest.
Why does a railroad conductor
punch q hole in your ticket? To
let you pass through.
The old maxim that ..mapepro-
poses" is fatty contradicted by
Massachusetts spinsters-
There are said to be 1000 men
in Peoria, ILL.,, who want q war
with Cuba providing they can go
as suffers.
- In Decatur, ILL.,, when a young
lady declines an offer to convey
her home, he asks permission to
sit on the fence and see her go
by.
! The creditors ofsan absconding
Yankee, found, on opening his
safe, that the only thing he had
laid up for rainy day was an UNI
brella.
| A Cleveland dry goods drum
mer has, during the last season,
sold $50, 600 worth of goods, tray
eled IL, ZOO miles and married four
wives.
An advertisement for district
school-teacher, in New Hampshire,
concludes in this way: 'tN. B.
No man need apply who wears
shawl"
A young lady of Terre Haute,
Indiana, has proved her ability to
support a husband by shooting
over one hundred quails this sea
son.
A Wabash editor returns thanks
for centipede received by mail
from Texas, and says it is the first
cent of any kind he had seen in
month.
An ''old citizen" wishes to in
form the public that "there's no
use trying to break those iron
coal-hole covers by setting down
on 'em. He knows.
An obituary notice in Western
paper contained the touching in
telligence that the deceased chad
accumulated a little money and
ten children"
To determine whether q man Is
drunk or not get him to say, 1.-The
scenery is truly rural" 1T he
says, ''trural rury," you may put
him down as drunk.
A friend writes to an editor, for
four dollars, "becausc he is so ID
short" and gets in reply the
heartless response, "Do as l do,
stand mp on a chair"
The Cardiff Giant won't into
bankruptcy the other day, and
was sold out by the Marshal for the
despicable sum of IS. The solid
men Of the land are giving way.
Since that mastery sIlycr-pay-
ing of specie-not over SO dollars
to one manly Secretary Rich
ardson, about $4,000 have left the
treasury, in dollars and half dol
lars. .......
"Git out o the wayr' were the
warning words of Donohue, of
Georgia, as he fired at Flemming.
"Leave him thar to XIX was the
brief sentence of the committee
who drew the murderer up to the
limb.
A pious old lady being asked
by her pastor what she thought of
the doctrine of total depravity, re
piled she thought it a most excel
lent doctrine, and had no doubt it
had been the means of saving
many souls.
That is a good story of a little
boy, who, going into book store,
crept up to the juvenile of the es-
Enlistment with the sly query,
'say, have you got any books for
boys that amt got religion in
emf
A Lawyer in st. Louis who lost
his railroad pass, and instructed
the conductor to arrest the first
man who presented it, found it
himself, presented it, and was col
lard and locked up before he
could explain.
A wise Frenchman says: "If
lady says Il can never love you.'
wait little longer; all hope is
no. lost. But if she says, NO
one has more sincere wishes for
your happiness than I, take your
hat"
"Pat, who is this Nilsson we
hear SO much spakin' about in
the newspapersT''- >-t'Don't you
know, Mike? Why, it's that ould
sea-devil, Nilsson, that fit the bat
tie of the Mile, to be sure" dr
On the departure of Bishop
Selwyn for his diocese in New
Zealand, Sydney Smith took leave
Of him as follows: 'sGood-by my
dear Selwyn; L hope you will not
disagree with the man who eats
you"
Punch knows a man SO keen in
money matters, that positively he
refused to conclude the purchase
of a house for 900 years, because
he could not have the odd year
thrown in.
To illustrate the correctness of
his opinion in dispute, Texan
thrust his pistol down a Kansan's
throat and threatened to fire.
The Kansan admitted the truth
of the Texans statement immedi-
ately.
A good natured traveller fell
asleep in q train and was carried
far beyond his destination.
Pretty good joke this, isn't itg'
said he to q fellow passenger
ayes, but little too far-fetched,'
was the rejoinder.
A young lady became so disat-
isfied with her lover that she dis
missed him. In revenge he
threatened to publish her letters
to him. avery well," replied the
lady; al have no reason to be
ashamed OF any part OF my letters
except the address"
A New Hampshire man, when
asked to give his consent TO the
marriage of his daughter, turned
with beaming face to the appli-
cant and answered frankly, sYes,
yes; and don't You. know some
likely young man who Will take
the other%'
The editor of the Vicksburg
Herald spent $500 on a church
fair, hoping to get the prize of
$1,000 in gold, and he drew
brass chain and photograph OF
George Washington. This world