The Fairfield herald. [volume] (Winnsboro, S.C.) 1849-1876, 1872-02-28
URIAII'S FIRST CASE.
The Red Hot Reconstruction of q
Returned Rebel.


my body the mai ks of honorable and
legitimate warfare. If man has no
right in tho bosom of his own family,
pray whose bosom has he right in I?
But l didn't 60 right in Not by
any means. My badge of chivalry,
just at that time, was not Of a char.
acter to commend me, at once, to the
arms and affections of my too scrupu
lous neat and tidy wife. [ was or
dered into quarantine. was
put upon dock for repairs. In other
words, 1 had the Itch. California
itch, it was pronounced by competent
Judges but why so dcuominatcd, |
um at loss to determine, unlcss be.
cause it was healthy, robust, salu,
brious case. This was the true state
of the casc-and it was the first case
had ever had although | had been
a lawyer for some Tina, by protc> sion,
barring the rractice--fvr it is always
we'll to bar She practice 'till you pr-c.
tice at the bar.
| reached home that Light in May
'G5, after hard days walk through
agentle rain, and took my seat by Il
cheerful spring fire. Somehow had
CONSCIENTIOUS scruples against letting
the itch part Of my military glory
leak out until next morning. But
itwas ull in vain. In vain | strove
s'to let conccalmcnt like worm feed
on my damask. &C." My grimaccs,
my bodily gyrations, soon began to
point moral aul to tell tale.
"Uriah," said the old lady slowly and
gloomily, "you've got the itch And
l wouldn't have il to break out in
the bosom of my family for anything
on earth. 1t would be shame and
u scandal to tho neighborhood." |
had to own up. [ put on a CHASTITY
grin and tried to make her believe
the itch, after all, was nothing but a
patriotic luxury, and good thing to
have in family. She couldn'5 see
it. Sec refused positively to como
wivnin six feet of me, while the chll.
dren stood aloof and stared at mc as if
l were wild beast. I tried to be
familiar-but it was no 60. l had
been absent for many weary months,
and was full of love and poetry.
"Comc rest in this bosom my own stricken
deer"
didn't scom to strike any one in par
ticular. The consequence was l was
stored away that night in room to
myself, to muse on the pomp and
pride and circumstance of glorious
war-especially the circumstance.
My wife was inexorable. 1 suppose
you know what that means--in o wo-
man. If you don't, como down and stay
week with me, and take occasion to
bring o quantity of mud in on your
boots, and it won't take you long to
find out. She don't put her foot
down often but when she does she
puts it down little of the frmest. I
knew very we'll T would have to get
rid of that case completely before
could ever know my rights and know
ing dare maintain them. 1t was the
worst case 1 had ever heard Of.
Scratch ? I reckon if all the scratch
ing 1 did in any ono day, had been
spread out, it would have covered a
surface equal to twenty-five acres
good measure. And what was getting
to be still moro serious, my nails were
fast wearing down into the quick, and
corns were growing on the balls of my
fingers. So early the next morning
after my arrival homo, hurried over
to consult an old steam doctor who
had long been the oracle of the neigh
borhood, and laying all my troubles
fairly and equarely before him, begg
ed for short, sharp and decisive
remedy.
liz asked mo if l was equal to the
emergency.
I gladly answered in the Affirmative.
| was equal to anything that would
speedily restore my wife's lost love.
I felt like one who trod alone and
there was nothing in this world that
was half so sweet as loves old dream
the same old dream. lie said he
thought he could sweetep me.
l took the bottle of turpentino ac-
cording to directions, went homo and
locked up in my room with all but
me depratcd, began to strip for the
contest. I wasall oyer as spotted as
leopard, and as raw as piece Of new
beof. Ipoured the saving fluid into
n saucer, caught UP about gill in the
hollow of each hand, and rubbed it on
with the energy that springs from des.
pair. used up half tho bottle be-
fore stopped to think. Thon I didn't
stop long. I made start, as [
thought for tho door, and found my
self half way up the chimney. l roll.
cd down, and rolled over, and
screamed like q wild Indian. Talk