American citizen. [volume] (Canton, Miss.) 1864-1890, 1872-03-23
HumOrs of the Pension Office.
From the New York Start

til we get the money, we should be worse
than the Wandering jew for age, and
could discount Methuselah as easy as
winking.
The simple story of the claim is that the
woman had son who supported her. He
was asscnough to be patriotic, enlisted in
the navy, died in service, and left few
dollars back dues, which were duly paid
his mother. OF all this, fullest proof was
long since sent on.
Now, then, for the gcntlemanly "
clerks.
About two years after the claim is pre-
sented the Department writes u letter to
the mother and asks:
| l. What's your real name ?
2. Are you sure you amt lying
3. What was your sons name?
4. Are you sure he was 4 boy?
5. Where did he die?
g. How do you know?
Z. Was he married?
s. If yes, did he have children; if no,
how can you swear he wasn't?
8. You say you are widow. Have
you any thought of remarrying, and are
you prepared to say you don't occasion
ally fiirt, or wouldn't if you had a
chance?
10. Remember the ninth command
ment, and send your answer to this De
partment.
| H. Have your af1idavits written in red
ink, and signed by Notary Public, with
evidences of moral character and a certifi-
| cate of birth.
Well, all this is done just as the De-
partment desires, and sent on.
Months pass on.
Grand Juries even come and go.
Occasionally men are convicted AMI
women hung.
Children are born and events crowd
the record.
| Time succeeds time, and the widow
starves or begs, as best she can, when, to
her intense delight, huge official letter
comes, and she opens it to find-money?
Not much, but another string of ques-
tons
l. Are you sure you are the mother of
| that man?
| Couldn't he have been changed by
| the nurse, and if SO, what guarantee has
this Department that after you have spent
| the money the nurse wouldn't divulge the
facts, and the real mother demand her
dues?
g. Who saw him die? If his comrades,
send on their aflidavits with certificates
in triplicate of their baptism and first
communion; if no one, then with what
cheek do you assert that he ever died at
all?
l. What ticket did your son, if he was
your son, vote? If any, say what; if not
say what he would have voted if he had
voted
s. What use can SIS month be to you,
anyhow? If none, what do you ask for
it for. if much, how can you afford all
this correspondence and notarial fees?
6. Do you know any mother who got a
pension, and if so, did she put you up to
this application. If yes, aren't you
ashamed of yourself? if no, how came
you to think of it?
Z. Was your son, if he was your son,
hopefully pious, and if so how much 50?
S. What do you think of female suf
frage, and are you prepared to stand two
per cent. "A month on your pension-when
you get it?
OF course the proper answers were sent
to these, and letter after letter followed
them. In the meantime the old lady
grew older. Her goods and chattels were
sold for rent and groceries, her only ring
was pawned, her friends were exhausted,
and she hung hopefully on to the delusion
that something would turn up, and it did.
Twas another big letter. and this is what
it said:
PENSION DEPARTMENT,
WAsHINGroN, ID. C..
"MADAME. Your claim No. t0OlO020UiOO4,
Navy Mothers, has been before this Depart
ment some eight or ten years. If you were
81 years of age then, you must be 81 now,
and it would he manifestly unfair, not to say
impracticable, for this Department to deal
with woman of "a us if she were woman
of 81. The information furnished this De-
partment is so meagre that we cannot proceed
even to consider your claim without further
proof. At present we simply know that
your son was killed in the service and you
need pension. Obviously that's too thin |
Permit me to call your attention to the en- |
closed queries, and to remind you that per-
jury is one of the greatest of vices.
Respectfully, your obedient servant,
81. III. BUNCoMBE, Commissioner"
oil Al LODI hon
did, too, and we read as follows
1. What was the name of your son
2. Who was he named after, and did he |
give him silver cups? If yes, let this |
Department have a certified copy, in du- |
plicate, of the reeeipted bill if not, why |
not?
3 How old was hes
4. How happened he to attain that age |
without being married?
.. Did he leave you any effects no
books, no jewels, no Etruscan vases, no
costly silver service, no piano? If yes,
where did he get 'em If no, this De
partment is sorry.
q. Have you assigned this claim to any
agent. If yes, don't you see you've
broken the law if not, how can YOU eX-
pect to get a claim through without an
agent
:. Please send this Department, in trip
licate, proof that you have Jo'aR .fde in
terest in this claim, and that 10 maiden
sister is to share it with you, and thus
live surreptitiously on this Department.
=. 1t is necessary for you to come to
W ashington in person. If you do, you
will be told what it is necessary to
prove; if you don't, this Departments
from further interest in the
premises.
When read this to the old lady, she
took snuff, turned her face to the wall,
Ii auled up her knees, vowed she didn't
care a cuss for the pension anyhow, and
gave up the ghCst.
Then | wrote the Commissioner that
she was dead, and he wrote me that he
was sorry, but he really didn't see what
that had to do with her claim He said
her heirs must carry it on. | replied she
had no heirs. He said he wanted proof,
in triplicate, of that fact, and sent me Il
string of questions to answer about my
name and birth and circumstances, evil
IDENTIFY hoping to make me crazy.
l sent them back, and hang me if he
hasn't just sent an officer here with in
to arrest me, unless can prove
that
1. | was vaccinatcd before | first sent
on the old lady's application
?. | was of full age when married, and
3. | am not the old lady herself in dis
guisc, and cndcavoring to swindle the
out of IS a month
who have hopes to rclinquish them, and
10 get rid of them. Yours truly,