Weekly Trinity journal., 1872-07-06
A NEVADA FUNERAL.
BY MARK TWAIN.

shaw when he died. He was a repyesen-
tative citizen. He had "killed his man"
not in his own quarrel, it is true, but in
the defense of stranger beset by num-
bers. He had kept sumptuous saloon.
He had been the proprietor Of dashing
helpmeet, whom he could have discarded
without the tormality of divorce. He
had held Il high position in the fire depart
ment, and had been very Warwick in
politics. When he died, there was great
lamentation throughout the town, but es-
pecially in the vast bottom stratum of So
ciety.
On the inquest it was shown that Buck
Fanshaw, in the delirium of wasting
typhoid fever, had taken arsenic, shot
himself through the body, cut his throat,
and jumped out of a four story window
and broken his neck and after due de-
liberation the jury, sad and fearful, but
with intelligence unblinded by its sorrow,
brought in verdict of deathI by the
visitation of God" What could the
world do without juries
Prodigious preparations were made for
were hired and all the saloons were put
in mourning, all the municipal and fire
company flags were hung at halt.mast,
and all the tiremen ordered to muster in
uniform, and bring their machines draped
in black.
Regretful reso lutions were passed, and
a committee of one was appointed to call
on minister-a fragile, gentle, spiritual
new Aedging from an Eastern theologc-
al seminary, and as yet unacQuainted
with the ways of the mines. The com
mitteeman, " Scotty" Briggs made his
visit
Being ushered into the presence, he sat
down before the clergyman, placed his
lrehat on an unfinished manuscript SER
mon under the minister's nose, took from
it red silk handkerchief, and heaved n
sigh Of dismal impressiveness eXplanato-
ry of his business. He choked and even
shed tears, but with an effort he mastered
his voice, and said in lugubrious tones
Are you the duck that runs the gos-
pel-mill next door ?"
Am | the-pardon me, believe | do
not understand"
With another sigh and half-sob,
Scotty rejoined:
" Why, you see, we're in bit Of troub-
lie, and the boys thought maybe you'd
give us lift if we'd tackle you, that is ii
I've got the rights Of it and you are the
head clerk Of the doXology works next
door"
" | am the shepherd in charge Of the
flock whose fold is next door"
" The which ?"
"The spiritual adviser of the little
company Of believers whose sanctuary
adjoins these premises"
Scotty scratched his head, reflected a
moment, and then said
You rather hold over me, pard.
guess | can't call that hand. Ante and
pass the buck"
How | beg your pardon. What
did | understand you to say ?"
Well, you've rather got the bulge on
me. Or maybe we've both got the bulge
somehow. You don't smoke me and |
don't smoke you. You see one of the
boys has passed in his checks, and we
want to give him good send-of, and so
the thing Pm on now is to rout out some
one to jerk out little chin-music Tor US,
and waltz him through handsome"
"My friend, | seem to grow more and
more bewildered. Your observations are
wholly incomprehensible to me. Cannot
you simplify them in some way ? At
first | thought | understood you, but now
| grope. Would it not expedite the mat
ter if you restricted yourself to catcgoric-
al statements Of facts unincumbered with
obstrueting accumuations Of metaphor
and allegory ?"
Another pause and more reflection
Then Scotty said:
"I'll have to pass, | judge"
How ?"
1 Ou VIC IulHtu ilIb bhli jhlNs
" still fail to catch your meaning"
"Why, that last lead OF your'n is too
many for me-thats the idee. | can
neither trump nor follow suit"
The clergyman sank back perplexed.-
Scotty leaned his head on his hand and
gave himself up to reflection. Presently
his face came up, sorrowful but conf
dent.
"I've got it now, SOS you can savvy.-
What we want is gospel sharp. See ?"
" A what ?"
Gospel sharp, parson."
" Oh why did you not say so before ?
l am a clergyman-a parson."
" Now you talk. You see my blind,
and straddle it like a man. Put it there"
extending a brawny paw, which closed
over the minister's small hand and gave
it shake indicative of fraternal sympa-
thy and fervent qualification.
"Now we're all right, pard. Let's
start fresh Don't mind my snuiilng a
little, becoz we're in power Of trouble.
You see one of the boys has gone up the
flume."
" Gone where ?"
" Up the dume. Throw'd d up the sponge
you know"
"Thrown up the sponge ?"
"Yes, pegged out, you know-kicked