Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1872-07-11
4umuruns department.
COUSIN SALLY DILLARD.

SCENE.-A court OF justice IN South caro-
lima.
A beardless disciple of Themis rises and
thus addresses the court: "May it please your
worship and you gentlemen of the jury, since
it has been my fortune (good or bad will not
say,) to exercise myself in legal disquisition,
it has never befallen me to be obliged to pros
ecute so direfully marked an assault A more
wilful, violent and dangerous battery, and fl
naly more diabolical breach of the peace,
has seldom happened in civilized country,
and dare say it seldom has been your duty
to pass upon one so shocking to benevolent
feelings, as this which took place over at
Captain Rice's in this county; but you will
hear from the witnesses"
were examined and deposed: One said that
he heard the noise but did not see the fight !;
another that he saw the row, but did not know
who struck first, and another that be was very
drunk and couldn't say much about the skrim.
mage.
Lawyer Chops-I am sorry, gentlemen, to
have occupied your time with the stupidity of
the witnesses examined. 1t arises, gentlemen,
altogether from misapprehension on my
part. Had known as do, that 1 had a
witness who was acquainted with all the cir
cumstances of the case, and who was able to
make himself clearly understood to the court
and jury, should not have trespassed so long
on your patience Come forward Mr.. Harris,
and be sworn.
So forward comes the witness, fat chuHy
old man, "leetle" corned, and took his oath
with an air.
Chops-Harris, we wish you to tell about
the riot that happened the other day at Cap
tain Rice's, and as good deal of time has al
ready been wasted in circumlocution, we wish
explicit as possible.
Harris-Adzackly, (giving the lawyer a
knowing wink, at the same time clearing his
throat Captain Rice, he gin a treat, and
cousin Sally billiard she comes over to our
house and axed me if my wife she moutn't go2
I told cousin Sally billiard my wife was poor
ly, being as how she had touch Of rheumat-
les in her hip, and the big swamp was up in
the road, there having been great deal of
rain lately, but howsoever, as it was she, cou-
sin Sally billiard, my wife she mout 60. Well
cousin Sally billiard then axed me if Nose he
moutn't go? I told cousin Sally billiard that
he was the foreman of the crap, and the crap
was smartly in the grass, but howsoever, as it
was she, cousin Sally Dillard Nose he mout
Chops-In the name of common sense, Mr..
Harris, what do you mean by this rigmarole
Witness-Captain Rice, he gin treat, and
cousin Sally billiard, she came over to my
house and asked me if my wife she moutn't
60? and told cousin Sally Dillard-
Chops-Stop, sir, if you please; we don't
want to hear about your cousin Sally billiard
or your wife; tell US about the fight at Rice's.
Witness-Well, will sir, if you will let
me.
Chops-Well, sir, 60 on.
Witness-Well, sir, Captain Rice, he gin
treat and cousin Sally billiard she came over
to my house and asked me if my wife she
moutn'tgo.
Chops-Here it is again. Witness, please
to stop.
Witness-Well, sir, what do you want?
Chops-We want to know about the fight,
and you must not proceed in this impertinent
story. Do you know anything about the
matter before the court?
Witness-To be sure I do.
Chops-Well, 60 on then, and tell it, and
nothing else.
Witness-Well, Captain Rice, he gin a
treat
Chops-This is intolerable. May it please
the court, I move that the prisoner be COM
mitted for contempt. He seems to be tri-
fling with the court.
Court-Witness, you are before the court
ofjustice, and unless you behave yourself in
q more becoming manner you will be sent to
jail so begin and tell me what you know
about the fight at Rices.
Witness-Well, gentlemen, Captain Rice he
gin treat, and Cousin Sally billiard =
Court-(after deliberating,) Mr.. Attorney,
the court is of an opinion that we may save
time by letting the witness 60 on in his own
way. Proceed Mr.. Harris, with your story,
but stick to the point.
Witness-Yes, gentlemen. Well, Captain
Rice, he gin treat, and cousin Sally billiard
come over to our house and axed me if my
wife she moutn't go? I told cousin Sally
billiard that my wife she was poorly, being
as how she had the rheumatics in her hip,
and the big swamp was up howsoever, as it
was she, cousin Sally billiard, my wife she
mout go. Well, cousin Sally billiard then
axed me if Nose he moutn't 60. told cous-
in Sally billiard as how Nose was the fore
man of the crap, and the crap was smartly in
the grass, but howsoever, as it was she, cousin
Sally billiard, Nose mout 60. So they goes
on together-Mose, my wife and cousin Sally
billiard, and they comes to the big swamp,
and it was up as was telling you but being
as how there was log across the big swamp,
cousin Sally billiard and Nose, like genteel
folks, they walked the log; but my wife, like
darned fool, histed her coats and waded
through.
Chops-Heaven and earth! this is too bad !;
but 60 on.
Witness-WeN, that's all I k,sow about the
fight.
aS This story is told of a father who was
one evening teaching his little boy to recite
his Sunday school lesson. 1t was from the
fourteenth chapter of Matthew, wherein is re-
lated the parable of malicious individual
who went about sowing tares.
"What is tare? Tell me, my son, what a
tare isl" asked the anxious parent.
"You had em.''
"Johnny, what do you mean? p asked the
father opening his eyes rather wide.
"Why, last week, when you didn't come
for three days" said Johnny, II heard mother
tell Aunt Susan that you were on tare.'
Johnny was Immediately sent off to bed.
FIRST STRANGER-"I declare, sir, that wo-
men are getting more outrageously disgusting
every day. Just look over there at that pro-
digious old porpoise with the eye-glass" Sec
ond stranger-"Hum! ha! yes! l can't help