Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1872-08-08
Aumnrsa1s @Fpartment.
KEEPING A POST OPFICE.

Al, KEEPING A POST oPFIcE. |::!'
From the earliest period of my recollection
I've had desire to keep post office, or have
the P. O. keep me didn't care continental
which. For years have toiled for the
'posish' of P. NJ, and last week I succeeded.
But now I write after my name, exp. NJ.
I'll tell you how it came about. The post
master here resigned, and, with the aid of a
graveyard recommendation, succeeded him.
It's nobody's business if I did rob the tomb
stones for names for my petition; and can't
see why the relatives of the defunct chap
won't quit throwing it up to a fellow.
Well, wrote P. M. after my name. Mrs.
Lipmuck embraced me with the tenderness of
q she-bear when I rushed into the room wa
wing my petition over my head, and my ap-
pointment brought on sundry other hugs. I
was happy man. -. =. ....,... u.
Mrs. L. and I sat up till midnight writing
my name with P. NJ after it. Oh it looked
grandly. wouldn't have swapped for Pres,
LII. D., or A. B. The next day entered
upon the discharge Of my duties, and yester.
day Uncle Samuel discharged me- .....
Immediately upon his successor (Which was
me) being qualified, the exp. N. left, and [
was left alone. The mail came, and I dis
trhuted it thus wise: My. motto has always
been, First come, first served and I acted
upon it to the best of my knowledge T gave
letter to each caller as long as they lasted,
and then commenced on the papers.
Wife said the thing would act like a charm.
Under the old regime some people never got
letter. while now the first person in the Office,
after the distribution of the mail, would get
the biggest, latest letter that came.
The idea was original, and I prided myself
on its invention. The Lipmuck brain was
ever inventive.
The morning following smail.day,' I left my
house for the post ofice-the attainment of
long cherished ambition. As turned a
corner discovered two we'll known citizens
about to test the virtue of clenched hands.
81 never wrote letter to your wife" vocif-
Grated one.
49,. ,""You lier yelled the other; "your letter
yesterday was handed me- My wife is in
Birmingham, and wrote sweet letter to you.
Lipmuck's noble motto of First come, first
served placed it in my hands and mo-
ment later att they went
hurried on.
had just entered the P. O., when a woman
entered the building.
"You villain |" she yelled, knocking my hat
to the floor, and burying her eagle talons in
my hair. "You gave my letter to Mrs. Fas-
tongue, the biggest old slanderer in town.
And she's telling everywhere that I've been
writing to married man."
Well, I can't boast of as much hair as I
could week ago.
Scarcely had my prosecutor left when a
crowd rushed into the office. The Methodist
preacher headed it. I think he swore as he
crossed the Threshold. '''.' .-~
"Villain!" I" he yelled, "you gave Bird Lyre
one of my letters, and he's blowing every
where that I've got a wife in New York and
another in Maine"
"Kill him kill him!' yelled those behind
him.
I saw dozen fists and clubs nearing me,
and retreated.
"Hang the scoundrelp' cried the women,
and feared the command would be executed.
went through the window, and now I'm
in another town.
I'm an exp. NJ. now, and chap whose
motto amt First come, first served stands
a. Ile SOdl VI my ltCc olHulIlOL
My brief P M-ship has not been unproduc-
tive of results. That NJ. E. preacher has left
his charge and New York woman is hunting
him. Twenty-six divorces stare our next
court in the face, and, through my brief Off
cial career, nine men walk on crutches, and
four women have spoiled faces
And I? Why, my Uranium is hairless and
I dare not 20 back to SkulltOwn on penalty
of death.
My ambition is satisfied now, and 1 have
discharged that motto, First come, first
seved.' 1t don't work in post Office.
wouldn't be P NJ. again for all the ben
zine in the world.
EXCUSED FOR CAUsE.-Capt. Tom Bug
bee was out with his company on detached
duty. In fact, he had two companies under
his command. He had with him small
brass Napoleon and an ambulance Captain
Tom was strict disciplinarian, but conviv
ial fellow withal, and fond of creature COM
forts, not many of which were obtainable in
the wild country through which he was march
ing. The column has just left the small ham,
let of Jasper's CROSSROADS, below Jackson
Vile, when the Captain observed that one Of
his drums WAS not beating, and he directed
Lieutenant to inquire the cause. The Lieu
tenant sought the delinquent, and demanded
to know why he was not beating time. The
fellow nodded mysteriously, and whispered
into the officers ear
"I've got pair of roasted chickens and two
bottles of whisky in my drum, and chick
and bottle are for the Captain"
The Lieutenant returned, and in whisper
ed tone, reported to the Captain.
"Zounds!'' cried Captain Tom, with vehe-
ment sympathy, "why didn't the poor drum.
mer tell US that his legs had given out? [
don't want men to march if they're lame like
that. Put him in the ambulance sir'
The drummer was consigned to the ambu-
lance, and not long after Capt. Tom and the
Lieutenant went to examine more particu-
larly into thenature of his trouble.
b6@ A young mother was in the habit Of
airing the babys clothes at the window. Her
husband didn't like it, and, believing that if
she saw her practice as others saw it she
would desist, he so directed their afternoon
walk as to bring the nursery window in full
view from the central part of the town. Stop
ping abruptly, he pointed to the offending
linen tapping unconsciously in the breeze,
and asked sarcastically:
"My dear, what is that display in our win
dow"
"Why," she replied, "that is the flag of our
union"