The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1872-04-18
The Improved Weather System.
BY MAX ADELER.

it out, reconstruct it, shake up some KIND OF an
original and surprising policy, and begin all
over again. think will run it on contract
somehow, and relieve the people of all their
present duties, except the duty OF supplying
cash.
But at present am considering the case of
The Probability man who NEEDLES with our
great American weather I think he means
we'll and tries conseiensiously to do his best,
but his system is radically defective, and the
consequence is that his conjectures are desplca-
bly, incorrect quite half the time. The incon-
senience caused by these mistakes, not only TO
the people generally, but to me personally, Is
inconceivably great, and it is not to be endured
any longer.
this Probability person entertains convection
that we shall have a clear day in my neighbor-
hood. / place confidence in his assurance. l
remove the roof of my house in order to dry
the garret thoroughly, and [ walk down town
with q new umbrella under my arm. Now 1t
is plainly evident that if, after ALL it does be-
gin to rain, and I am obliged to unfurl that
Umbrella and ruin it with the wet, and am
compelled, when I arrive at home, to witness
INV family floating around in the dining room
upon o raft constructed out of the old clothes
horse and few bed stats and pie-boards, the
government for which Washington died Is
failure.
or, suppose that our friend at the weather
office asserts that thunder storm is certain TO
strike ny section, of the country upon given
day. believe him. rush out my lightning
them around on the roof and plant them out
in the yard, and rivet them upon the hired girl !;
and place my family safely in feather beds in
the middle of the room, and drink all the milk
in the neighberhood, and prevail upon the tax
collector to 90 and stand an hour or two under
tree where he will be most certain to be struck
by lightning. And when all these arrange
ments are completed, and I feel equal TO the
promised emergency, suppose that thunder
storm does not Gomez When watch that tax
collector sally out from under that umbrageous
tree and begin to assess my property, counting
in all those lightning rods at double their cost,
is there any reason to wonder that SIT anu
sigh for some responsible despot who will give
US Probability who grasps the subject OF the
weather, as it were, in more comprehensive
manner?
But I know him now. he shall never again
betray me as he did with that last conjecture
concerning the cyclone He said it would
sweep over my district on the morning of the
9th. and so I arose before daybreak and pro-
ceeded to ten acre lot, where fastened my
self to sheet anchor, filled my pockets with
pig lead, fettered myself to the fence and placed
my family in burglar proof safe, which tied
to my leg, and fixed the preserving kettle tight
ly over my head with dog chain in order to
preserve my hair. l stayed there until flve
O'Clock in the afternoon waiting for the simeon
70 swoop down upon me. But it was failure
"a disgraceful failure. The only thing of in.
terest that occurred was the mass meeting held
I Al oft tba hhorhn
looked out from under the preserving kettle
early in the afternoon, was surprised to OBJ
serve that the fence upon the four sides of the
lot wes filled with men and boys roosting
around and watching NE. The boys whistled
upon their fingers and made unpleasant re-
marks. When I made threatening gesture
several of the men got off the fence suddenly
and contented themselves with looking at me
between the rails. After while four police
men came up, in company with physician i;
they united me, knocked me down with club,
applied blister plaster to my neck, and would
have taken me TO the asylum but for the timely
interference of some Of my friends
And the tornado has not come yet. 30 you
will perceive that che entire system is hum
bug; it is fraudulent; it needs to be burst, L
may say, into immortal smash, and smashed, In
q certain sense, into diminutiye snithereens;
and then I am going to arrange plan by
which this business of thunder storms and
hurricanes can be reduced, as it were, for in
stance, to a condition Of positive certainty.
The basis of my system is corns. The mar
vellous accuracy with which changes of the
weather can be foretold by man whose feet
are decorated with those excresences Is so we'll
known that it is hardly worth while to consider
at length, at this particular crisis, the human
corn in its meteorological characteristics. 1t
quite certain, however, that it will be lmpossi-
Bile to expect the Probability man to walk
around the country once or twice every day, Tor
the purpose of submitting his corns to the
diverse atmospheric influences which exist be-
tween the Atlantic and Pacific oceans. 1t
would wear out any man to be compelled to
visit each of the States and Territories every
twenty-four hours ard at any rate, the wealth
er in Massachusetts, might change suddenly at
ter his departure from there, and while he was
fooling around Kansas
1t will be better, therefore, to have him kept
stationary. propose, in that event, that he
should buy up available corn that lis in
the market in any given State, and have it
transplanted and grated upon his own toe
Doubtless there are patriotic citizens in every
portion of the land who would be willing to
Law upon the altar of their beloved country
their most cherished corns. have one that
can warrant to be tried and true in the meteor
illogical service, and am ready to give it up
instantly for the benefit of my fellow country
men if Congress will appropriate few thou
sand acres of public land as compensation.
The Probability official then might obtain,
let us assume, one corn from each State, and a
reliable bunion to represent each territory
When these were engrafted upon his feet in
beautiful condition, each one would, as mat
ter of course, be peculiarly susceptible to the
atmospheric influences which prevail in its na-
ne ss the iv Weather man ito to wear e ~ tight boots
ceptionally tight boots, while he is not attend
ing to business, so that his barometers, may
say, will acquire the requisite amount of sensi-
biiity. Then should have pipes laid from
each State to the Office in Washington for the
purpose of conveying the different varieties of