davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28
The Ear.MarkS Of Wit.

There is nothing else in the world
which bears the marks of its nativity
so Enthusiastically as wit and humor do.
The speeches of Burke might have
been delivered by Webster; the poe
try of Wordsworth and Southey might
have been written by Americans !;
there is nothing about the German
philosophy which is so essentially
German that it might not have been
English and there are some of the
French dramatists who could almost
have initiated even Shakespeare him
self. But it is not SO with Wit and
humor. Given jest, and it needs
but little discernment to tell whence
it came. Sheridan's much quoted re-
mark concerning Dundas, that he
"resorts to his memory for his wit and
to his imagination for his facts,n could
not possibly have been made by any
but an Englishman, or even by an
Englishman of any other than Sheri-
dams time.
Douglas Jerrold's witticism, ait is
better to be witty and wise than witty
and otherwise" was not only very
English, but very Jerroldy, and few
people wonld need 10 be told who said
it.
And so it is with the humor of other
peoples. Who would hesitate for a
moment to credit Ireland with the man
who Wanting the glories of the past,
wanted to know "where you will find
a modern building which has lasted
as long as the ancient ones?" Equally
evident is;Sir Richard Steele's nativity,
from his celebrated effort to extend
hospitality to a friend, to whom he
said, "If you should ever come within
a mile Of my house, l hope you will
stop there" And there can BE- no
question that it was an Irish editor
who announced that prominent gen.
tleman Of the country had "died sud
denly after lingering Illness"
Perhaps the most strongly-marked
humor, however, is that Of our own
country. 1t is of a broad guage sort
"a kind of high-pressure affair-too
much like us to belong to anybody y
else. Thackeray's joke about the size
of our oysters was purely English, of
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28

When the fire was sweeping through
Pearl street, in Boston, one Of the
large shoe dealers, seeing that his
stock could not be saved, invited the
bystanders to help themselves. A
policeman, who appeared on the spot,
not advised Of the invitation, indig-
1,antly observed an individual pulling
boots, pair after pair, from an open
case before him. "Villian!" he thun-
dered, "what are you about3" Try
ing to find pair Of eights," was the
mild response.
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28

The late Professor Hadley, of Yale
College, was annoyed by the racket of
students in q room above him, who
were boxing and rolling dumb bells
over the floor. Proceeding to their
room he quietly opened the door, and
said with smile, in his peculiar, halt
ing way, "Young gentlemen, I would
be pleased to see you in my room at
any time, but would rather have you
come in through the door than the
ceiling" ax
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28

The Columbiana Register says in an
adjoining township is a tombstone
bearing the following inscription :-
Took sick on the Is Novem-
Der with chill her sickness had been
dropsy and lung fever or the consump-
ton Died June a 1872 her age is II
years 8 mos & 4 days her youngest
brother had to HANDLE her for mos
&, "a days and nights.
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28
NUMBER I6.
An Inventive Lover.

| In Seville, which is popularity sup
posed to be in Spain, there is in use
a most ridiculous inventi0a in the way
of making love-clandestinely. After
dark, young caballeros ateal beneath
their lady's lattice xhich, perchance,
is in the third story-and softly un-
screwing the handle Of their walking
sticks, proceed to extract from the
same, which are length after length
of hollow tubing, screwing them to-
getherEafter the fashion of a Japan
ese fishing pole, or the old apparatus
wherewith sweeps clean climneys.
"A mouthpiece is fitted into each
end, and one raised to the window
above. Soon, by the aid of this i'm
provised speaking tube, two souls
with a certain unaninity Of thought,
and two hearts with a possible unison
of pulsation, are softly communing.
Now this is all very nice, seductive1y
romantic, and all that sort of thing,
but mark what the knowledge of it
brought to a certain youth in Balti-
more. He had read of it, or heard
Of it, and happening to have surrep-
oAuOoo "AAoooAoA 4W u yOUHA huu
wealthy lady, which she as surrepti-
tiously reciprocated, he determined,
with her c0nnivance, to avail himself
of it. ~
He got tin pipe Of the desired
length made BY timer, and in each
end oft placed, for want of mouth
piece, a funnel. Delicious converse
ton went on, he sitting on the top of
a water barrel, and she leaning from
her window above. They wonld con-
verse for hours, and exchange all the
soft nonsense in the world, and then
he would unship his apparatus, put
the tunnels in his pocket, wrap the
pieces ur in a newspaper, and go
home in a condition of ethereal bliss.
The course of true love never did
run. smooth, and one evening the old
gentleman, smoking in the garden at
an unusual hour, saw the young gen.
tleman arrived fix up his apparatus,
and commence his soul-consuming
operations. ....-a.
He made up his mind in q minute.
He went into the kitchen and asked
for pitcher of boiling water; it was
handed to him, and of he posted mp
stairs. Just as he reached his daug b.
ter's door he commenced calling to
her. So, telling her lover to wait a
moment, she came running to the
door. Nellie, my dear, run up to
my room and get my spectacles; I'll
wait here till you come down" She
disappeared up stairs, and he stole
cautiously to the window. ,ess w
The minute he touched the funnel,
the amorous and unsuspecting youth
clapped his mouth to it to resume
where he had broken eff" My dar-
ling, you cannot imagine how"
just then the old gentleman COM
menced assiduously filing that tunnel
with the hot water, and the rest of
that miserable youths sentence was
never heard. He wore -four ON his
face for fortnight after, and de-
clines to go into society, just at pres
pnt *.s 81 '-f= tfs3 't77 .FSt
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28

A young woman at Torquay, Eng
land, was fatally shocked recently by
hearing door slam in the next room,
which she thought was her.. husband
shooting himself
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28


leave enough revenue to meet current
expenses. The preservation of the
public credit is Of the highest impor-
tance, and next comes a solemn duty
to providea q national currency Of fixed
and unvarying value, as compared
with gold, and as soon as practicable,
having due regard for the debtor class
and the vicissitudes of trade, CONVEX
tible into gold at par.
PUBLIC LANDS, PATENTS AND PEN
| sIONs.
During the last fiscal year the pub
lie lands disposed Of amounted to IL, :
8O4 ,975 acres, an increase over last
year Of OBS, ,27O acres. The cash re-
ceipts of the land Office from all sour
ces amounted to $3,2l8, 100. Twenty
two million sixteen thousand six hun
dred and eight acres have been sur
veyed, leaving 1857 ,633, ,62s acres of
puplic land still unsurveyed.
During the year ending September
80, 1872, there was issued from the
patent Office 1926 patents, 233 ex-
tensions, and 19, ,578 applications we're
received for patents, and 3l0O caveats
filed. The fees received were $70,-
095, ,486; expenditures $92 1856, 800.
Since 1886, 100000 applications for
patents have been filed, and l33, 600
patents issued. The amount paid for
pensions during the last fiscal year
was $50, ,I60, $40, more by $3,7O8, ,334
than last year. The whole number
of enlisted soldiers during the rebel
lion was 2,6s8,523. The total num-
Der of claims for invalid pensions is
10000, being but six per cent. of the
whole number. The number of per-
sons on the rolls June 80, 1872, was
32l 800. 1t is estimated that $50, $780,
600 will he required for pensions the
next fiscal year.
CENSUS ABOUT COMPLETE.
The ninth census is about COM
pletcd, subject of congratulation,
inasrlucll as its early completion is of
Importance for the use to be made of
the statistics. The recommendation
of the Secretary Of the Interior for a
census in 1875 is approved.
THE CIVIL SERVICE.
An earnest desire has been felt to
correct the abuses which have grown
upon the civil service of the country,
through the defective methods of
making appointments to Office. Here
tofore federal offices have been re-
garded too much as the reward for
political service. Under authority of
Congress, rules have been established
to regulate the terms of Office and the
mode Of appointment. 1t can not be
expected that any system of rules can
be entirely effective and prove . per-
feet remedy for the extinguishing of
evils until they have been tried by
actual practice, and amended accord
ing to the requirements of the SER
vice. During my term of office it
shall be my earnest endeavor to SO
apply the rules as to secure the great
est possible reform in the civil service
of the government, and it will require
the direct action Of Congress to rem
der the enforcement of the system
binding upon my successors and |
hope that the experience of the past !
year, together with appropriate legis-
lation by Congress may reach a salts
factory solution of this question and
secure to the public service for
all time a practical method of obtain
ing faithful and efficient officers and
(Signed.) U. s. GRANT.
Mansion, December2, 1872
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28

A gallant Alabama editor, in notic-
ing" q grocery kept BY a woman. says {:
g Her tomatoes are rs red as her own
cheeks, her indigo rs blue as her own
eyes, and her pepper ashot as her own
temper"
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28

One of our sophomores has devised
a new way OF telling bad news. He
writes home to his father: "I came
near losing thirty-sevea dollars last
week" Anxious parent writes back
that he Is glad the money was not lost,
and wants to know chow near" By
return mail: "Come within one of it
lost thirty-six." "a N-
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28

The Boston Ifaueller charges that
the men who said the city would be
lisgraced by the acceptance Of aid for
it's poor from other cities have not yet
contributed the sum required to pre-
vent such distress.
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28

A black side of Philadelphia life JIG
revealed in the confession Of Hugh
Mara, who was sentenced lately TO
six years and nine months imprisnn-
ment and to ..paya fine of $1,000 for
attempting to kill Alderman McMul-
lin of that city. He states that there
is an organized band Of thoroughly
reckless men associated together for
all forms of crime. His first assertion
is that he was instigated to the et-
tempted assassination Of Detective
Brooks by this band, who agreed to
pay him $500 for the fiendish work.
He gives names, places and particu-
lars, showing how the victim was
dogged and finally shot; declares the
alibi which was fabricated for his de-
fense to be an act Of perjury, and
that the only pay he ever received
was $5. The other charges in his
affidavit against this gang are that
they started the terrible coal oil fire
of Feb. 8, 1865, at Ninth and Whar-
ton streets; that they attempted the
burning of the Union League HOUSE,
Sept. 6, 1856; that they committed
the murder Of Peter Mannox, Octo-
Der, 1868, and robbed the Beneficial
Saving Fund Society, April A, 1869.
Alluding to the revelation of Mara,
The Press says of the men whom he
has disclosed: "The only question
now is their determination. It can lie
done by punishment. This gang
should be brought to trial. If they
are not, we may expect assassination
to become one Of the leading indus
tries of the city. Our authorities are
surely not afraid to prosecute these
men."-N. 7. Tribune.
The President has appointed Brig.
Gen. Irwin Mcdowell, whose narae
heads the list of officers of that grade,
to be made major general, in place
Mcdowell will be assigned to the
command of the Department of the
South, and Major General w. S. Han
cock, the senior major general of the
army, will take the command Of the
Military Division Of the Atlantic, vice
Meade, deceased. General Hancock
has for several years been in command
Of the Department of Dakota, with
his head quarters, at st. Paul, MINI.
General Terry has been in command
of the Department of the South for
some time past, and takes the Depart
ment OF Dakota, vacated by General
Hancock. The headquarters OF Nc
Dowell, the new commander, will be
at Louisville, and General Hancock
will be either at Philadelphia or New
York. The headquarters Of the De-
partment of Dakota will remain at St.
Paul, Mimi.
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28

"Driver are you running on time to
dayi" asked a passenger in an omnibus.
mo, sir" was the keen reply 1--WE are
running for cash."
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28

Men often criticise girls figures, but
when I girl has q few thousands Of
her own, they generally think the
figures about right.
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28

An amateur journalist in Indian
apolis has made fortune by his pen /:
His father-in-law died Of great grief
after reading one Of his leaders, and
left him @I30, 600.
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28

Bishop Coke Of New York has gone
to Hayti to organize Diocese of the
Episcopal Church.
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28
A happy New Year, dear readers !!

The most beautiful may be the most
admired and caressed, but they are not
ALWAYS the most esteemed and loved.
The Donaldsonville chief., 1872-12-28

The message recommends that no
further reduction be made at present,
as measure of justice to the holders
of the nations certificates of indebt-
edness, except to correct errors Of
omission or commission in the present
laws until sufficient time has elapsed
Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1872-12-03

OF LII q NlIhD SLAIkS.
1900 Pages and 500 Easgraciacs, Printed in Eng
lisA and German. Written by 20 eminent au.
thors, including John B. Cough, Hon. Leon
Case, Edward Rowland. Rev. E. Edwin Hall
Philip Ripley, Albert Brisbane, Horace Gree.
ley, f. B. Perkins, etc, etc.
This work is a complete history of all branches
Of industry. processes Of manufacture. etc, in
all ages. Ii is a complete encyclopedia of arts
and manufactures, and is the most entertaining
and valuable work of information on subjects OF
general interest ev,r offered to the public, 1t is
adapted to the wants of the Merchant, Manu-
facturer, Mechanic, Farmer, Student and In
ventor, and sells to both old and young of all
classes. The book is sold By agents, who are
making large Gales in all parts Of the country
1t is offered at the low price of So 60 and is the
cheapest book ever sold by subscription. No
family should be without a copy. We want
Agents in every town in the United States, and
no Agent can fail to do well with this book
Our terms are liberal. We give our agents the
exclusive right of territory. One of our agents
sold 1873 copies in eight days. another sold 363 IN
two weeks. Our agent in Hartford sold 397 in
one week. Specimens Of the work sent to agents
On receipt of stamp Fer circulars and terms
to agents, address the publishers.
Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1872-12-03
Keen the Cattle Growing.

The most successful breeders of horses, cat
tie, sheep or swine know from experience that,
although they may possess the best breeding
animals, they will not be successful 10 produc-
Jog superior stick if continual grow b of
5oung animals is not kept up. La order to oe-
gin in time al this ind. pensabe preparation
for success, The brood mares, cows ewes and
s1ws are most carefully and sui ably fed while
with young, and as soon as the young animals
make their appearance, they are taken the
greatest care Of, the dams being suitably fed
while sucking, aud. when the young ones are
weaned, they are NOT supposed to want for food
or drink single hour. BY this means, a con-
rinucus or rapid growth is kept up, and the
animals attain large size and heavy weight
at an early age. When breeding animals are
not properly fed and comfortably sheltered in
winter, the bad effect of such treatment is not
coniued to their own want Of condition-it is
shared by their progeny, can never be remedi-
ated. When young stock are rot fed we'll and
comfortably sheltered in winter, their growth
becomes situated, aud no subsequent amount
Of good treatment can repair the damage.-
Young animals may suffer for want cf proper
provender in summer and autumn, as we'll as
| n winter, and when this happens it stops con-
tinuous growth, and prevents ultimate success
10 the objects Of the breeders W0Tksag farns-
Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1872-12-03
Poetry.
FALLING LEAVES.

Fading trembling, futtering leaves,
In russet clouds go by,
? Bruised and torn by the pitiless winds,
And left on the ground to die.
Alike the gorgeous robe that hung
Upon the kingly oak.
And the delicate frill of the daisy
Have sunk beneath the stroke.
No longer laughs the mocking-bird
!. Within the dreamy dell,
Where through the golden summer days
He played the mimic we'll;
To warmer climes and brighter skies
The jOcund warbler flew,
Before the envious frost BETRAYED
The fairest buds that grew.
Low-whistling qualls still haunt the field,
Where late the waving grain
Upreared its myriad golden spears,
The glory of the PLAN.
The dotard year now idly twines
A crown of yellow leaves,
And laughs to see the shadows dance
Among the sober sheaves
Before the blaze the farmer basks,
From harvest ,oil set free
And in the wood the squirrel peeps
From out the hollow tree.
While one complains of scanty yield,
With all his barns aglut,
The other in his sunless lodge
Contented cracks nut.
Along the roofess woodland aisles
The r'bin's note resounds,
And elish shapes go in and out
Among the ieafy mounds
But palsled beech and naked elm
Will stand in silent woe,
Till scowlirg clouds grow pitiful
And cover them with snow
Yet everv change that Nature brings
With deep st good is fraught,
Though oft her motive lies beyond
The grasp of human thought
When Winter rears his icy throne,
And tips the trees with snow,
In lands beyond the burning zone
The fairpst rOses blow
Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1872-12-03
Constitutional Convention,

As the time is almost at hand when the Leg
islature will reassemble, it would be we'll for the
people, the constituent body, to put their re-
presentatives in possession of their views on
the subject of a convention to change our pre-
sent Constitution. Everybo knows that the
present instrument was virtually forced upon
Us, since We had to take it, with ali of It's bur.
thens and denominations, or endure military
rule. With The prospect of carpet-bag and ne.
gro domination. We accepted it under protest,
with the Intention of securing important modi-
icatlons as soon as possible. The changes that
we chiefly desire. are, g. return to the old viU0
Uoce system of voting; poll tax of two dol
lars upon every voter as a pre- requisite to his
exercise OF the right, (the same to be aDpro-
prlated to the cause OF popular education and
reduction of the expenses or cur cOuGIy ad-
mnis,raiion. These reforms ought to commend
themselves, without argument, to every citizen.
By adopting them, we should have honesty
aud fair dealing IN elections We should increase
the revenues OF the STATE; and we would mate
rally lessen expenditures Lynch. Rlrginian.
Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1872-12-03
The Confederates' Column,
OR THE
History. Poetry, Fun and
Er0lic OF the War;

We have determined to devote portion OF
our space each week to the unwritten history,
poetry, fun and frolic Of the last war for indie
pendence, and We earnestly request ccntribu-
tions from ell quarters, but especially from our
Valley and those who served 10 ''Stonewall
Jackson's Foot Cavalry and Light Horse -
We have often thought of such thing and
believe, with the great Macaulay, that History
should consist Of the life Of people; bow
they lived, moved and had their being; and
that of an Army or War, should truly tell, not
Of great Generals alone, but of the still greater
private who created their greatness. With all
of its terrible marches, trials and sufferiugs,
there was never 50 gay or gallant an army as
ours, and the field before US is rich in auecdote,
deeds of personal bravery; loyalty and courage
at home, and in the hospitals; the matchless
devotion Of our women the jokes OF ihe camp
aud march recollections Of our loved leaders.
Jackson and Lee; poetry, &c. Al! Of which
we desire to record, fro IN the daring deed OF
the single scout to the mastery movements Of
our greatest General, SO that our children may
gather up the story Of our bearing in those
times and since, aud see how their fathers
fought, suffered and bore themselves in Victo-
ry aud Defeat. Let no Confederate hesitate to
contribute bis mite Of truth, and feel assured
bis confidence will be held sacred and his story
appear in proper foEu, and our ladies should
also be able to tell us many touching aud yet
untold incident from the bedsides of the sick
and dying, to whom they were indeed ''angels
of mercy Many officers and pr'vates have
promised US their aid. and we hope, from al
the sources at our command, to collect no mean
tribute to our loved aud lost, but never to be
forgotten cause and its heroes
Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1872-12-03
WE PUBLISH THE BEST
DICTIONARY OF THE RERa.E
In The ElgZlsh Language,
RY WIN SMITH T, f. n

BY WIN. SMITH, l.. l.. D.
Il is written by 70 of the most distinguished
divines in Europe and America and is the only
edition published in this country condensed by
DIR. Smiths own hand. 1t is illustrated with
every name in the B bic of importance, and is
book needed by every Christian family. It is
printed in double column, in one large octave
volume. Price So so.
We want agents for these works in all cities
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copies of any of our books sent to any address
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oc Is tf Cincinnati Ohio
Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1872-12-03
tx n rs UN TIED
Or W1us and Be- WGvs in the Hidden life

Or, Ways and By Ways IN the Hidden Life of
AMERICAN DETECTIVES.
We want agents for this book. It discloses
all the mysteries of the Detective System 1t is
record for the past 20 gears OF the most skill
ful detectives of this country, in which the
crafts Of Bank Robbers, Thieves, Pickpockets
Lottery Men, Counterfeit hi oney Dealers, and
swindiers Of ail classes. are exposed and brough
to justice Price, g.. .75. Send for circulars and
terms to agents.
Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1872-12-03

Professor but is the heat in the fire? Se-
uior (dodgipg)- )-Heat is rather iudef lie. Pro-
lessor (forcing is the fire hot, or are you2
SeIi,r- am. Proiessor-Then the hea, i, in
yourself? Senicr-Oh, yes. Professor (,ri-
umphan') Well, now, is the green IN ,he
grass? S.nior (nnocen iy) No, slr il Is in
yourself. Professor latter pause)-heu we
do stumble uOon wtticl m sumeiiues. Har-
card Adcocute
Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1872-12-03
C1gss'GGge MGSGatQ.
EOGGccO.

c. 7: CoChEAN. J. z. GUY.
u @. T. COCHRAN & CO..
Wholesale and Retail Dealers IN
TOBACCO, SNUFF AND CIGARS,
st the old stand, on Il ew street, would respect
fully announce TO their friends and the public
generally that they are receiving and will keep
constantly on hand well selected stock of
Chewing ana Smoking Tobacco, and Cigars,
anging from the choicest to the cheapest grades
Also SMUT, Pipes, Stems, Matches, &c.
Staunton, Oct 9th, 1868.
Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1872-12-03

Tne khedive OF Egypt is the richest man in
the world his yearly income being $50 0t0,-
QUO and be sleeps only hours our Ut the "a.