The state rights democrat. [volume] (Albany, Linn County, Oregon) 1865-1900, 1872-02-09
sCIssORHNGs.


A match game-incendiarism.
The best help-Help yourself.
A handy tune-Fortune. It'll no.
common metre.
Grants favorite military command
Present aims.
Why is an umbrella like q high
church? Because it always keeps
lent.
Why are handsome women like
bread? Because they are often
toasted.
Why is Mexico like the earth. Be
cause it has a revolution every twen-
ty-four hours.
"That's my business" as the
butcher said to the dog that was kill
ing his sheep.
Many young men are so improvi-
dent that they can't keep anything
but late hours.
Why are birds melancholy in the
morning? Because their little bills
are all over dew.
Why is an avaricious man like one
with a short memory? Because he
is always forgetting.
Money is a great lever in the af-
fairs of man; so great a ~leaver, some
of us eau never keep it.
Why is a child hooked and killed
by a COW like a modern lady's dress?
Because it is gored to death.
Clara" asked Tom, "what ami
NAL dropped from the clouds?"-
"'The rain, DEAR" was the reply.
A baker has invented a new kind
of yeast. 1t makes bread so light
that a pound of it only weighs twelve
ounces.
What's in a name? There is a
Norwegian in Chicago named Ole
Nilsson, who neither fddles nor
sings.
What is the difference between an
auction and sea sickness? One is a
sale of effects, and the other is the
effect of a sale.
Captain Burton, the well-known
African traveller, recently gave evil
dence in the claimants favor in the
Ticnborne case.
A young lady in this town is prac-
ticing Let me kiss him for his moth
er," and says the more she practices
1t the better she likes it.
A nan is in no danger as long as
he talks love, but when he writes it
he is impaling himself on his own
pothooks most effectually.
Some one, feeling that actions are
better than words, has said: eve
read of the acts of the Apostles, but
never of their resolutions"
DIR. Holmes said once we might
order our ascen sion robes "when
lawyers take what they would give.
and doctors give what they would
take"
An enthusiastic editor, speaking of
a new prima donna, says: Her
voice is as soft a. a roll of velvet, and
as tender as a pair of slop-shop PAN
falcons.
Madame Ristori, who a few years
ago won so much dramatic honor in
the United States, is at present play
ing in Berlin, but gives very little
satisfaction.
Josh Billings says: eight won't
go into six and have anything left
over Many a young fellow has
found this out by trying to get on a
number six boot.
Nervous old lady to deck hand on
a steamboat-"Mr. Steamboat man,
is there any fear of danger?" Deck
hand, carelessly-'.Ple..ty of fear,
ma'am, but not bit of danger"
Harry-.sYou dawg is VERY thin,
William" WILLAMETTE is VERY
bad. but when be dies I am going to
stuff him, Harry" Harry-.'Hadn't
you better stuff him before he dies?'
An exchange asks what can be wet
ter than a oma with a cataract in
her eyes, a waterfall on her head, a
creek in her back, forty springs in
her skirts, and high-tied shoes?-
Why, one with a notion in her head,
and swimming in tears.
An Irishman, travelling in a street
that vas paved, was accosted by a
dog with a threatening growl. The
traveller attempted to pull up one Of
the paving-stones to throw at him,
but it was fast. "Arrahv' said Pad
die, "vhat a country is this, where
stones are tied and dogs let looser"