Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1872-05-16
Humorous Readings.

humorous Headings.
Ugh Winking.
Life services-Tea cups and saucers.
The best Inn for poet-Inspiration.
Connected with the ring-the bell
handle.
The popular mind-mind your own
business.
The balance of comfort-A rocking
chair.
In bad box-the man who is buried
alive
Poor Vanderbilt He still fancies
he is going to be rich before he dies.
What color was the last squaH at sea r
Why, the storm rose, and the wind
blue.
Politicians ought to be the franksst of
men-they are in the habit of speaking
out.
\ man maR went into a Pittsburg sa-
loon recently, and asked for a glass of
Sheriff's ale.
The gentleman whose eye lit on a pas-
sage in the paper, called in the engines
to put it out.
The saying that lit is more pleasant
to give than to receive" applies only to
medicine, advice and kicks.
Who was the straightestm man mentioned
in the Bible Joseph, because Pharaoh
made a ruler of him.
H ethat hateth his brother is amurder-
but there is no particular harm in
hating your mother-in-law.
An editor says that he once partook of
a beverage so very strong that he could
not tell whether it was brandy or torch
light procession that was going down
his throat
OF all slack rhymes the glibbest are
the work Of a st. Louis squibbist, who
writes:
o. for a thousand tongues to sing
The bob tail horse cars praise;
No platform where chap may cling,
And At the women gaze.
Epitaph of a young son of Mr.. Amos
Tute, in the graveyard at Vernon, Yer
mont:
Here lies. cut down. like unrfpe fruit,
The son of Mr.. Amos Tute,
And Mrs Jemima Tute, his wife,
Called Jonathan of whose frail life.
The days all summed-how short the so-
count -
Scarcely to fourteen years amount.
Born on the twentieth OF May was be.
In seventeen hundred and siNty-rhree;
To death he fell a helpless prey.
April the fiye-and-tweDtieth day.
In seventeen hundred aud seventv-seven.
Leaving this world. we hope. for heaven
But though his spirits fed on high.
His body mouidering here must lie.
BEHOLD the amazing alteration
Effected by inOcuiation-
The means employed. his life TO save,
Hurried him headlOng 10 the gravel"
Scene-Country store in Michigan.
Clerk. sympathetically, TO lady whose
boy drove the team ito market"-"So,
Mrs. Jones. your husband is dead, poor
soul 2" ''Yes the old mans gone
what's the price Of this yer calico2"
What time is it, my dear?" asked a
wife of her husband, whom she suspect
ed Of being drunk. but who was doing
his best to look sober. "Well, my dar-
ling, l can't tell, cause, you see, there
are two hands on my watch, and each
points to a different figure, and | don't
know which to believe"
At a marriage lately in Maine the
brides voice faltered. and she paused in
the impressive ceremony. Her little
niece, a bright little three-year-old,
thinking the naughty minister was COM
pelling poor aunty to say something dis
agreeable, stamped her little foot, and
exclaimed, in a tone Of authority,
''Auntie, don't 90 thay it.
Rev. Mr. Perry, a member Of our leg
islature from Agawam, in advocating in
the House the appropriation of $4,000
for the building of boarding house for
the Westfield Normal School, a few
days since, expressed the hope that
thereby the institution would so flourish
as to be able to "send men here who
know enough to speak, and keep silence
when they have nothing to say" The
appropriation was made.
Upon one occasion at guard mounting,
when the rev officer of the day was Ma
ior ~. who had never before been de-
tailed for the responsible position, he
went upon the parade ground and took
his place beside his predecessor. Troop"
had ''beat off, and the adjutant after
bringing the guard to "present arms,
and with an exceedingly graceful salute,
reported, "Sir, the guard is formed.
At this, to him rather startling announce
ment, the Major drew his sword, and
initiating the salute of the adjutanf,
said, in a loud tone of voice, ''Gentle
men. | return your salute. The adju-
tant repeated, ''Sir the guard is formed.
The Major seemed conscious that some
thing more was expected from him, but
what that something was he had no con-
ception Of and not feeling disposed to
display his ignorance by asking informa-
ton Of the outgoing officer of the day,
he responded at a venture, I'm much
obliged TO you, Mr. Adjutant. A little
more music-let US have a little more
music if you please" The astonisbed
adjutant faced about and ordered the
band to 'beat off, again, and then
brought the guard TO present, and
again reported, ''Sir, the guard Is
formed The Major, at this critical
juncture, finding himself cornered, and
that it was necessary to do something TO
extricate himself from the difficulty, ex-
claimed, in despair, 'Yes, yes, Mr.. Ad-
iutant, i see they are. Well, d--n 1t,
let um bile ahead, I'm ready for um-'--
From Border "Reminiscences oy General
Marcy.