The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-06-21

the sermon is to come"
A Detroit man on being foiled in his
fifth attempt to commit suicide, wept,
because Everybody and everything
was working against him.
A Baltimore minister is deposed just
for playing whiskey poker and auction
pitch for the drinks In a lager.beer
| saloon.
| A reporter who attended banquet,
concludes his description with candid
statement that 'it Is not distinctly re-
membered by any body present who
made the last speech
A person speaking of a man not re-
markable for his suavity, said he did
not like his manners.
"His manners !" said lady. "Ididn't
know he had any,"
A lady entered drug store and asked
for q bottle Of "Jane's Experience"
The clerk informed her that Jane hadn't
bottled her experience yet, but they
could furnish "Jayne's Expectorant."
"Fred," said a father to his son, "I
hear that you and your wifequarrel and
wrangle every day. "Whoever told
you that father, was totally mlstaken;
my wife and / haven't spoken to one
another for month";"
There is a place in Maine where they
have had no rain for four weeks
and no whisky for six. The conse-
quence is that just now they are the
dirtiest and dryest people above
ground.
"See there!" exclaimed a returned
Irish soldier to gaping. crowd, as he
exhibited with some pride hat with
bullet hole in it. "Look at that hole,
will you? You see that if it had been
a IO,0-crowned hat, should have been
killed outright"
The drug clerk who administered
arsenic for magnesia and killed his
man, says he don't see why people
make so much talk about it, as he's
made an apology and done what he
could to make it right with the family.
A Detroit man who had no ear for
music, confessed as much when he
| frankly owned that "If L were the
proprietor of hand.organ, set express
iy to play 'Old Hundred,' L couldn't
get over seventy.fre out of it,"
They have a rather singular railroad
in East Tennessee. A newspaper at
Jonesboro speaks of that place as its
"termini." 1t is not one time in thous.
and that you find railroad with both
ends sticking into the same town.
AN. Y. editor thinks from the man.
ner in which shirts are made in that
city there ought to be an inspection of
sewing. He says he went to the eX-
pense of new shirt the other day and
| found himself when he awoke in the
morning crawling out between ,Wo Of
the shortest stitches.
A Skilful Penman.-J. II. Johnson,
a dashing writing master of Vinton,
TO-, is so we'll schooled in chirOgraphy
that he can write II. NJ. Howe's name
Just as we'll as he can his own. He tried
it on a bond, and the city authorities of
| Vinton, who did not appreciate true
genius, put him in the lookup.
A Boston bride, whose groom remOn-
strated with her at the wedding for in
dulging in rather indiscriminate be-
stoWal of her last maiden kisses on o
number of her male friends, remarked
with natural naivete that the gentle
of kissing her all her life and she didn't
see why they should stop now.
A reverend gentleman in Minnesota
has Mortified his congregation beyond
expression by the prophecy that the
| 6Ilu VI tuc WOIiu Do uc-
layed beyond next autumn. He has,
however, undertaken the cultivation of
an unusually large crop of wheat, be-
lieving, probably, III small prophets
aud quick returns.
1t is reported that ghost at Nc
Keesport has rushed around O'nights
with stiletto, revengefully bowling:
"Lovey creature, thou must die!" One
day last week an Irishman of that place
disguised himself as a female and met
his ghostship; but the ghost didn't
stiletto worth a cent-the lrishman put
head on him."
Two eminent clergymen of Brooklyn
} the one an Episcopalian and the other
Unitarian-met in crossing the Wall
Street ferry. Joking being in order,
the churchman said, "BrOther -,
if l were not an Episcopalian, would
be Unitarian" "Why SOP" was the
Question. because / always had my
ilaind made up to be either something or
nothing" was the answer.
| Mr.. Greeley writes to confectioner
in Boston that in making calves foot
Jelly the Durham breed should always
ba selected. Take live calf, place
, the hind feet in o corn r2ill; and then
commence toetura and the jelly will
/ | HOW out III ltS lnls
in pan, and throw away the eslt.
A rashly importunate individual j..
Iowa City, who was weary of breath,
attempted lately to put stop it by
cutting his throat and opening the
, arteries of his wrists. Two or thr c
doctors hold of him, however, stitched
then added insult to injury by presen-
3 ting a heavy bill. The courts hnNe
|, forced him to pay il too, with costs
, about three hundred dollars in ali,
which, he says, is mere than his funeral
would have cost.
: Parisian Bon Mot..-"TheE say" Oh.
, served man to his friend one night
at the Cafe Foy, "that Adolphe 3
}. has made ten millions while he W.
out of France. 1t can't be true"
8 "Quite true" replied his friend.
II "But how?" was then asked.
y "By selling skins"
"Skinsl impossible"
o "Not at all, there We're negroes inside
y of them"
% Walking along Superior street with
friend (Artemas Ward) we passed
dilapidated specimen ofhumanity, wh(
!. had "Vagabond" written all over him
|. "NoW,n said Artemas, with look 0
g mingled disgust and pity, as he pointet
to the miserable fellow, ''you wouldn'
l. think that wretched being was at thi
= moment, the wealthiest man in Cleve
,. land?'
20 "No" said the friend, looking at tn
q man with some interest.
10 swell, he isn't,' returned Artema
IT with a comical pucker of the mouth
lie while his eyes laughed consumedly.
W A conductor of a freight train on tn
,e New York Central road was at first fla
iio tered, than amazed and then iHdignar
=, at the fact that while passing throug
20 Syracuse everybody made signals
q, q, him and pointed to his train. He tina
W ly in his wrath responded by sundl
~ ~ digital gyrations, which ceased wht
-, he discovered that one of the grain ca
lo | xuoa leaking nj tina rate nf a hushaI