The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1872-02-03
CREAM OF OUR EXCHANGES.

An exchange very gravely alleges that:
An unsophisticated parent in Portsmouth,
New Hampshire, is said to have observed with
pain that his first born had no teeth, and hast
eped to remedy the "deformity" by purchasing
$15se--
Oar spyightly editorial friend Of that stirring
democratic paper, the Clinton Register, gives us
the following readable sQuib, which is des-
tined to go the rounds
What Will the ingenious Yankee" device
next: Ona Of these individuals was before the
Postmaster General the other day with post
age stamp that had on its adhesive side the taste
of choice candy. The two-cent stamps, accord
ing TO this plan, might have a chocolate taste,
the three-cents orange, the teu-cents lemon and
the tW-,ve-certs vanilla, and SO through the list
of popular sweetmeats. Cundurango would be
found serviceable for the hishest-priced stamps
Lhe chief advantage of this plan lies in the in.
creased value that it would give t. the old
stamps. Children then could be easily punished,
for a present of a few stamps would be equiva.
lent TO giving them good clicking"
The Lacon Home Journal says:
Thirty years ago, when the couutry from the
Illinois to Spoog river was an unsettled waste
Wlliism Penn hired Frank Drake to plow
twenty mule furrow from Sparlind to Wyoming,
that customers from the former place could find
their way to l.aeon. II was the longest adver-
tIsiug line ever heard OF.
How do You like the new year IA far as you
have been ?-C.RtoR Register.
Il depends upon whether the party addressed
is still celebrating" or is new going through
the headache, &o,, because of it.
4 town in New Jersey gives her constable
$50 par IloA,A, aau her corporation attorney
1888. This proportion Is said to be offensive
10 each, as the constable thinks the lawyer gets
100 much, unl tie Lawyer holds race oerss on
aissuhject.
In her last lecture Arn, Dickinson says:
Il never was iRsu,tei but once, when a m an
In railroad ar pressed my foot with his" 1
looked him s'.ruly in the eyes aud said IF YOU
repeat that / will cell the conductor and have
you put Oft the train" That reads we'll, but
Anna didn't tell all of the stc:y. The M An 70.
peat the iasulr and Anna called the cond c.or.
who beard t.. .Ceucats OF both parties. Anna
put +" '-.r evidence, aud the conductor
dee. The ath must have some where to put
staat, ard '.ld Anna That -he should in future
wear hers s.'ew,ys. That's the truth OF the
whole matter.-Er
That fellow wa served proper. II is no place
to embr.ee idy, at her foet
The very r-a Of ahsurdlty in wit, probably
peculiar TO Amcricans, and unequalled in any
foreign tongue, is the subtilty of our Yankee
Jokes, and remarkably odd combinations Of
t-oght s..oh as, perhaps, q conglomeration like
this:
The man who ha, been lately trying to make
half dollars from a chemical extract of the silver
Leaf tree, received letter by the last steamer
from friend III California. " no tried, before he
lett, to hatch chickens from the egg plant The
sllver-leaf man will leave shortly for the egg
plant man. They will have a third partner in
the man who attempted 70 raise colts from horse
chestnut..
Or another. such as:
In the course of an Illinois discussion, man
Is said TO have 'hsd a raviue built In the back
OF ms head with pop bottle"
Or the foIlowny
An Indian women has been married five times,
and each of her husbands was named Smith
with little variation" There was Smith
Smythe, Smithe, Schmidt, and Smyeth. Hsy.
ing exhausted her vocabulary, she passed in her
check. last week.
The editor of the Laoon U1ae Journal savs Of
his competitors, Bell & Wilson, that "they need
praying for Perhaps that would be better
than to be preyed upon, bat then they know
how 1t is themselfs, this is grammar for edito.
rial ives"