The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1872-02-09
OUR ANNUAL CALENDAR.

and other birds of prey now project
their bills, lacerating impecunious
debtors, and settling the question that
billing does not at all resemble cooling.
Snowballing is epidemical at this pc
Rod, and everybody takes it freely,
that dreadful animal known to natu-
ralists as the boy, being hilarious to
the top of his hilarity. Country cous-
ms beseige the city, and their martyr
ed relatives take them to the different
theatres till they (the relatives, not the
theatres) are black in the face, and the
country cousins, worn out with the
tremendous exertions, finally and hap
PLY die!
FEBRUARY comes simpering in, blush
ing celestial rosy red and bending
under the weight of a million valen--
tines, which she ecstatically directs
till the 14th, and then Herewith inun-
date the Postofice, and make million
hearts throb pit-a-pats, two million
of eyes glow and sparkle like incarnate
diamonds, and four million hands clap
their velvet palms together, in all the
rapture of loves young dream
MARCH.-This month is sacred to
Julius Caesar, who sold the Hides of
March to a currier at Rome-not to a
French courier, as incorrectly stated
by Prescott-and directly after leath-
cred the Britons, who lost many of
their Uppers, and also many of their
Lowers, and were struck to the sole by
the tanning they got. Bye and bye
Grant was born in this month, or he
wasn't-what does it matter; for
where's the historian that sticks to
truth? He couldn't, its so disagree
able. But we are wandering. Where
are We? All, we see! no, We don't,
and as to what We were going to say
about March, you will have the good
ness to return inexperienced to your
graves.
APRn.-Had it not been for April
we should never have had umbrellas!
This may seem bold statement; but
if you consult Herodotus (4th chapter,
18th verse of the Koran, you will see
that he does not, even distantly, al
Jude to it. This should decide the
wager. Was there a wager? Well,
never mind, the matter is clear enough
to US, and if Adam and Eve did walk
about without umbrellas, in this show
crest of months, we are no longer at a
loss to conceive their bequest of rheu-
matism to suffering humanity. April
we love thee, bat never moro be officer
of ours!
MAY.-A good month for the Poles,
who IL the olden times did a Ru hin
business in this line. The first Duke
of Kent, observing the frantic manner
in which the Muscovians danced round
the poleicular constructions. placed his
forefinger upon his noble borrow and
first remarking, s'soft!' (no allusion to
the occiput) continued, ''Hops, Poles
Poles, Hops. 1 will plant poles. and
he hops, like reading and writing
only he didn't say that, will come by
nature" They did! they did!-grand
chorus by Morebeer-they did, and
hence-Beer! Such is May. -<
JUNE.-The famous letters of june
Jus were written during this month.
June is lovely month, take it for all
in all, or, as Thackerary said of the man
who committed beericide-''Take him
for half-and-half, we meier shall look
upon his like again - which he accord
ingly didn't, for he availed himself OF
the OF portunity of dying Immediately
after this; and therefore, if he didn't
write the letters of Juneius, who did?
We pause for reply.
JULY.-Sacred to the Hottentots,
and held in peculiar veneration
throughout the Hottoman Empire.
Hotspur was born in this month, Mrs.
Radcliffe also choosing this period OF
the year for writing her castle OF
Hotranto.n July wears very few
clothes, passes most of her time in the
sea, and is intensely exercised about
her back hair. She has salty flavor
about her, and enjoys her weeds on the
beech, with the other swells and coves,
as natural as you please.
AUGUsT.-Everybody lives miserably
and presjstently at the seaside, while
they might be happy in town, eat i'm
possible food, sleep or rather convo-
lutte on impossible beds, and lead gen.
orally the wretchedest of lives, kneel-
ing down on the sands of time, and
worshiping tradition and fashion with
the ardor of dev, tees and the uncom-
planning fortitude only known to soci-
ETY. a Ia mode, which will die rather
than not be de rigueur. But nothing
matters, nothing is, but what is not;
and if the August beingsof society like
to live in misery, so be it, and with all
our heart. We hate August.
SEpTEMBER.-A grand procession of
oysters solemnizes this month, and
oysters fried, stewed, boiled, raw, on
the half shell and Sin every STYLE as
the legends run, march stupidity
down the human throttle, and CRATE
full deglutition ON the bivalve waits;
everybody being oysterical and glory
ing In the fact. In the records Of oys
terry, we find no mention of this en-
trancing creature till the ninth centu-
nv, when Alfred the Great introduced
a singing oyster into the Danish camp
in the selfish desire of agrandizing his
own Saxonic self Members of the
oysteronic art eat them largely.
OCToBER.-Called by the poets, who
are-well, who are-ahem! called by
the poets, brown russell mellow
warm, HILL 'harvesty,' round
mooned,' and otherwise eloquently
adjective oy that long hair d-bye the
bye, does poetry produce long hair, or
are Hyperion locks provocative of poe
try? Let the Ages answer! See! what
We were going to say about October?
We haven't the slightest idea, which
on the whole is rather an encouraging
for the long-haired par
ties have October'd him to his hearts |
content. Rcq,tiescat an pace. i-.H
NovEMBER.-The venerable Bede |
died in this month, and his friends |
promptly buried him, telling their |
Bedes with an alacrity highly discredi-
table to the waves of friendship. On. |
B.-What are the waves of friend
ship?) His memory is honored in |
on the 9th of November, an
nually. BedP being burnt in Smith
field, to the great enjoyment of the
populace! He was an Irish Saint orig
lnally, his real name being Bede'ad.
(See Froissart's Small Beer Chroni-
cles.) He was, however, actually born
ut Durham, and invented the notori-
ous mustard. We are happy to state
that he is extremely dead.
DEcEMBER.-Cheery, bright, jovial,
merry-making, stalwart, frosty, kindly,
starry, snowy, icy, friendly, Christ
masy, lusty December. We hail thee,
we love thee, We admire thee, we could
not comn1ete the wear without thee