Yorkville enquirer. [volume] (Yorkville, S.C.) 1855-2006, 1872-11-07
YoRKVILLK EMQuIRER
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AN ESSAY ON THE DOCTORS.

AN ESSAY ON THE DOCTORS.
Quick, go for the doctor! All right, I'm
going for him. I've been aching to 60 for the
doctor . long time; so here goes.
There are great many kinds of doctors
big doctors and small doctors, old school doc
tors, and doctors of the new school, and doc.
tors without any schooling whatever. There
are doctors of laws, and doctors Of sons-in.
law; ear doctors, and doctors difficult to get
the ear Of; tooth doctors, nail doctors, and
doctors who 20 at you with tooth and nail
eye doctors, and /. o. u. doctors eclectic doc
tors, electric doctors, and doctors not of the
elect, who go it mostly on tick.
Thus;we have cold-water doctors, and doc
tors who "straw" it good deal; root-doctors,
and doctors whose motto is, "Root hog or
dier .
Spiritual doctors, and doctors very much
out of spirits magnetic doctors, and doctors
who haven't any magnetism in them-or
much else; laying-on of hands doctors, and
doctors who will take anything they can lay
their hands on, except. perhaps their own
physic. =.
Sweat doctors are numerous. fthey don't
sweat their patients, their patients sometimes
make them sweat. And there are few doc
tors who are compelled to sweat around q
good deal to get their pay.
Among Indian doctors are the full-bred,
halfbred, corn-bred, and doctors never bred
at all-at least not bred to medicine-the lat
ter class being far the most numerous. AS a
general thing, Indian doctors, as they call
themselves, know nothing whatever about
Indians; many of them never saw one. But
that is nothing strange in medicine Men
have practiced medicine all their lives with
out enjoying the slightest acquaintance with
it. 't '.'#..'
Herb doctors are popularity supposed to
spend large portion of their time in mean
dering through the fields culling herbs.
Nothing of the sort Lots of them wouldn't
know catnip from "penny-rile" if they saw
them growing. They Gull their herbs at the
druggists. -....
There are lung doctors and doctors with
very little lungs, although tolerable livers.
Doctors are good livers as general thing.
The throat doctor appears in variety of
forms not strictly recognized in medicine.
The hangman is the most thorough throat
doctor we have His remedy-a structure Of
hemp-rarely fails to cure the most obstinate
throat difficulty. Few persons have ever been
heard to complain of their throat after the
first application. '~.-. .. ,s....
Bar.keepers are another variety of these
doctors, whose mixtures, also, are too famil-
lar to many people. Cold water is the safest
thing for the throat as an inward application.
Pepper doctors we're quite popular some
years ago. They don't pepper so much as
they did, though many doctors are peppery
enough. ,s :... ......
Mustard doctors are in the army for the
most, unless they are mustered out.
.Canceradectors are almost as numerous as
cancers themselves Every cancer doctor
exhibits 30 many cancers he has taken out
that l have sometimes wondered if they didn't
take it out in cancers. I was once shown q
1tumor so large asked the doctor if space
was valuable, why he didn't stick his patient
away in glass jar, and let the tuinor walk
around.
Corn doctors should not be overlooked.
Some Of them are very skillful in taking off
a corn. A corn doctor took off a corn for
me once, and he took it off so far it was near
ly week before it got back again.
No man who hasn't horse sense has any
business trying to be a horse doctor, although
he may get diploma to doctor men. Even
the constitution of horse may be broken
down by unskillful treatment, yet in selecting
physician for ourselves we occasionally for
get that. The horse doctor sometimes gets
more kicks than coppers, though he is one Of
the few privileged persons who is excused for
looking gift horse in the mouth.
The healthiest town I ever knew was out
in Illinois, one Summer, when the doctors
went East to attend medical convention,
neglecting to return for several months. The
doctors found, when they did get back, that
their patients had all recovered, the drug
stores had busted, nurses had opened dancing
schools, the cemetery was cut up into build
inglots, the. undertaken had gone to making
fddles, and the village hearse had been gaud-
lily painted and sold for cireus-wagon!
Although I have metaphorically gone for
the doctors, let nothing I have said be con-
strued as rejecting upon them as class.
They are good humored, and can, therefore,
take joke, and for the most part are chari-
table, and humane, I have a good many
friends among the doctors, yet they are the
very last men 7 want to call on.-"Fat Con-
tributor." ... ....