The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1872-06-21
NUMBER 25
HUMOROUS.

Old maids are fond of pears, but
cannot endure any reference to
dates.
Some of the English literary
journals think that the United
States are taking lead in the hum
orous literature of the day.
If there is really delightful re-
freshing scene on this earth, it is q
newly married man sliding toward
home with his firstwash board.
An inexperienced farmer tried to
make corn beef by giving his own
oxen whisky.
Hope is like q bad clock, ever
striking the hour of happiness,
whether it has come or not.
A cow in Dover, Tenn, excites
the envy of her companions in fly
time. She las two tails.
zone half the year, rain and
flowers I; the other half, dust and
sky" is Bret Harte's description of
California.
Vanity long INDUCED becomes so
exacting at last, that it claims ev-
erything you can do, and is never
thankful for any service.
An old Scotch lady: Taxa snuff,
sir? Gentleman with large nasal
promontory, Indignantly Do l
look like snuff taker? Old lady !:
Well, l Gamma jist say you do,
though l maun say ye hac grand &C
commodation.
A naughty little boy, blubbering
because his mother wouldn't let him
60 down to the river on the Sab
bath, upon being admonished said !:
81 don't want to go a swimmin'
With 'em, una. only wanted to go
down and see the bad little boys
drown for going Is swimmin' on
Sunday"
There was always something ir-
resistably comic in the story they
used to tell about foppish passen-
ger on board a Mississippi boat,
who, "just for q little fun" jumped
on shore at landing, and drawing
a bowie knife, rushed up to a gawky
looking fellow at a woodpile, eX-
claiming: "Pve found you at last
you're the man I've been looking
for!" The gawky looked at him for
a moment, then Strengthened out his
arm like jib-boom, and knocked
the fellow overheard into ten feet
of water. Resuming his position
against the wood-pile he drawled
out: SIS there anybody else on the
boat looking for me ?"
An affecting incident-reported
by the Racine Journal: "The other
day father and son were dressing
a hog, the father doing the chop
ping. By mis-stroke instead of
splitting the hog open, he split his
sons hand. In explanation of how
it happened to the doctor, the faith
er exclaimed: Il cannot tell lie,
doctor, indeed l cannot. 1 did it
with my little hatchet.' The son
was deeply moved and was heard
to remark that he had rather have
''such a father than a whole slaugh-
ter-house full of dead hogs"
Here is ali anecdote told by one
minis ter about another. A certain
elder, who was noted for being sell
dom up to time, seldom animated,
and seldom very brief, once kept a
congregation waiting long time
for his appearance, and when at last
he did come, he preached them a
text, Feed my Lambs" He had
finished when the original old min
lister known as "Camp.meeting
john" rose from a seat in the con-
gregation and said: "Brother, !
have had some experience in raising
lambs, myself, and l have found
that the following rules are abso-
lutely essential to successful lamb
raising: First, give them food in
season; second, give them little at
a time; and third, give it to them
warm"
A Detroit man who has contrib
uted bundle of cast-of clothing
for the relief of the Minnesota fire,
received from one of the sufferers
the following note:
''The cummitty man give amongst
other things, wat he called pair of
pants and t'wood make me pant to
wear 'em. found your name and
where you lived in one of the pock-
cts. My wife LATED SO when l
shode 'em to her that l thot she'd
hev q conipshun fit. She wants to
know if there breatbes a man who
has legs no bigger than that. She
said if there was, he ought to be
taken up for havin no visible means
of support. I couldn't get 'em on
my oldest boy, so / used 'em for
gun cases. If you have another
pair to spare, my wife wood like to
get 'em to hang up by the side of
the fireplace to keep the fire-tongs
in"
In one of Lord Brougham's last
speeches his upper teeth fell out,
and there was an awkward silence
until they were restored, when he
that his teeth had given
him great deal of trouble since he
cut them. That restored the equilib-
rum.
According to an advertisement
in the London Spectator, a nose
machine has been invented which,
applied to the nose for an hour
daily, so directs the soft cartilage of
which the member consists, that an
Informed nose is quickly shaped to
perfection.