The Shasta courier., 1872-05-04
NUMBER 6.
sKITTER's TRAP.

John Henry Jones had arrived at that
age when, IN the natural course of human
events, young men are subject to attacks
OF puppy-love-when moonshine is the
thing most congenial to their yearning souls,
when freckled girls kisses are their balm
In Gllead, and when it is dollars to cents
that they will manage to make consummate
Jackasses OF themselves. That was what
allied John Henry.
Henrietta Jane Skitters was an in in
cipient woman, and had scarcely dropped
her infantile lisp and the length of her
chin curtains. She was of that plentiful
female sort, you understand, who run to
sentiment and spit curls, and who had
blamed sight sooner have young mems
heads on their hearts than common sense
ideas in them. She was nice girl, you
know, only she had ruined her appetite
for beefsteak by devouring too many dime
novels. That was what allied Henrietta
Jane.
Rudolph Beethoven Skitters was cyni
cal, cross grained, bald-headed second fid-
dler in an orchestra, and was old enough to
know better. He had thought the matter
carefully over, you observe, and had con-
cluded that all men are liars, swindlers,
knaves, thieves politicians or some other
species of internal rascals. Therefore he
hated mankind with double intensity,
only approached by his innate love for gin.
That was what allied Rudolph Beethoven.
John Henry and Henrietta Jane met.
10 IL Al
the one that was left She closed her left
eye and winked with the one that was
right. From that moment, you comprehend,
the ethereal essence evolved by the COM
mingling of ecstatic-well, you know as
well as | Go the effect of puppy love upon
the human race. They burst the arms of
the old mans rocking chair by sitting in it
double, and slobbered over each other daily
from to IL o'clock PM He hugged her
until her dress was threadbare under the
arms, and she clawed around his collar
until al the button holes were stretched out.
Tie cat and canary bird, unwilling spec
tatOrs of these scenes, had died in unspeak-
able agony, and things were generally get,
ting thick, when the old man dropped on
the situation Rudolph Beethoven Skitters
didn't rant much. He only remarked that
he didn't know as he wanted to waste a
healthy young man, but that, if certain
nameless youth ever dared to cross his
drawbridge again, coroner, a sexton, an
undertaken, and minister would be entitled
to the customary fees Then he gave
John Henry piece of bread and butter,
and told him to run right home to his do
ting mother As for Henrietta Jane, she
never sat down with any comfort for two
weeks, during which time the recollection
Of a six horse power spanking was vividly
impressed upon her memory.
John Henry, you notice, was no slouch
of lover. He meandered right back to
the Skitters mansion and kissed Henrietta
Jane until she thought she was in heaven,
between two clouds, with angels Topping
their wings and tossing peppermint dops
into her mouth She got spanked, and he
got kicked out, at II o'clock every night,
as regularly as the sun rose; but somehow
they got hardened to it, and didn't seem
to mind it any worth mentioning.
At length the cynical old cuss, who
couldn't bear it see the children have any
fun playing at makc-fool- of themselves,
swoved that he would break up the game
or burst. So he hired a misguided me-
chanic to build an internal machine, all for
to spoil John Henry. 1t had steel trap
to it, that clashed together like the jaws Of
death, and two-foot mortar that held
eleven pounds Of powder and peck of old
nails. He carried it home on the sly, you
see, and made the front gate sort of trig-
ger to it. One blamed dark night he fixed
the thing all up, and left it ready, you OBJ
serve, to masecrate John Henry the NOM
ent he touched the gate. Then the old
villain wandered off to Hebbinger's, and
absorbed gin until II o'clock. In the
meantime, John Henry, for the first time
in three months failed to call on Henrietta
Jane. 4ss4,.
al know it's spretty rough to killa fellow
soliloquized old Skitters, as he neared his
home, "but he's brought it On himself l
wonder if they will hang me for it? I'll
swear that fixed it up for burglars, any
how, and | guess it'll be all right. Wonder
if there's much excitement about it?
There don't seem to be any light in the
house. Wonder what they've done with
his mangled remains. Ha, ha, ha! It's
mighty funny though, come to think of it.
How surprised he must have"
Just at this point old Skitter put his
hand on the gate.
John Henry and Henrietta Jane have
been married two years now An inmate
of their household is banged up old man,
who navigates by crutch power, and who
is constantly picking bits of old nails out
Of himself. The hair has all been singed
off his head, and he keeps one of his arms
in glass jar, preserved in alcohol. He
says it rheumatism that ails him.
BIGAMIsTs.-A cotemporary wonders
that men will indulge in the luxury of
bigamy, when an almost absolute certainty