Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1872-11-14
N1gCEL1A WoW LTEAS

The most useful thin 2 in the lOngru
Breath.
| Punch has found a man too lazy to
labor under an impression.
A small girl defined dust as s'lqud
with the juice squeezed out"
Billings says, "knowing how to sit
square on bile, without hurting, Is
one Of the lost arts"
1t is just as impossible to get along
without advertising as it is for cross
eyed man to borrowa gun.
Josh Billings says that opera music
doesn't have any more effect on him
than castor oil would have on craven
image.
| A Chicago dry goods dealer adyertis-
leS, "rhe most alarming sacrifice since
the days of Abraham and Isaac"
Smith, who was offered q plate of
maccoroni soup, declined it, saying that
they couldn't play off any billed pipe
stems on him.
A clergyman of Waterloo, Indiana,
has four boys, the youngest of which is
named "D0xology" because he is the
last of the hims.
Adandy asked Jim the other day:
Hasn't this cigar nice flavor ?''
"Yes," said Jim, dryly, "the cent in it
smells very strong"
81 can't drink liquor,,' said Bob; sit
goes right to my head" "Wen, !" said
Bob's friend, 'where could it go with
less danger of being crowded ?"
A lady asked gentleman who was
suffering from influenza, s'My dear sir,
what do you nse for your cold ?" ''Five
handkerchiefs day, madam"
A young physician informed lady
that she must not allow her children
"to drink much ice-water in hot wealth
er, unless the ice were perfectly ripe"
Happy is the country that has no his
tory" as the school-boy said on being
fogged the third time for not knowing
who was Henry Wis wife, Punch.
A country girl coming from morn
ing walk was told she looked as fresh
as daisy kissed by the dew, to which
she innocently replied: you've got
my name right-Daisy; but his isn't
Dew"
A maiden lady being asked why she
had never married, replied that she
had never seen the man for whom she
was willing to get up three meals day
foz forty years.
An English Lord once said to Train,
have you the law Of primogeniture in
said he, ''no he1tail ?'' Said Train,
at l,.,k l.. kl..o Ill
Two friends meeting, one remarked,
sI have just met man who told me
looked exactly like you" 'sTelI me
who it was that may knock him
down." replied his friend. stDon't
trouble YOURSELF" said he, 81 did that
myself"
An undertaken was passing by a
fruit stand. No one saw him as he
supposed. Hestepped out and patted
q large cucumber patronizingly, as
much as to say: "GOod boy, old Cucu.
Go for 'em. Steboy. Seize 'em.
Gripe 'em."
A good-natured traveller fell asleep
in train and was carried a few miles
beyond his destination. "Pretty good
Joke, this, isn't 1t ?' said he, to a fellow
passenger. eyes, but little tOo-far
fetched" was the rejoinder.
A number of ladies in Greenville
Ala, have signed the following pledge:
ave, the undersigned, do promise
hereby that we will faithfully abstain
from the use oftobaceo, in any shape,
form, or manner, while in church."
An intoxicated man saw two cars
L =. -kL
red and blue lights in the front and
rear. His fuddled brain comprehended
colored lights, and he was heard to say
to himself: "Must be pretty sick-sick-
ly here; they are running drug stores
around on Wheels"
An Irish pedIar asked an itinerant
poulterer the price Of a pair OF fowls.
''Six shillings, SIR" ''In my dear coun-
try, my darling, you might buy them
for six pence pace" "Why don't
you remain in your own dear country,
bhen?" "Case we have no SirpenceS, my
Jewell"
A wife who had been lecturing her
husband for coming home intoxicated,
became ineensed at his indifference,
and exclaimed, "Oh, that 1 could
wiring tears of anguish from your eyes"
To which the hardened wretch hiccup-
ped: "Taint-taint no use, old woman,
70 b-b-bcre for water here"
"a very genteel and amiable young
man is now insane. He splits his hair
n the middle. The other day in comb
ng it he ehaneed to get two more
lairs on one side than on the other.
This destroyed the balance of the head
md overturned his brain. He makesa
very gentle lunatic, however.
Three little boys were disputing as to
whose father said the shortest grace.
NV father says, Lord, we thank YOU
or these provisions" Second boy
And mine says, Father. bless this
oOd to u.s." Third boy-ssAh, but
mines the best of all; he shoves his
plate toward mamma and says, Darn
re, fill'up.'"
A man who was bitten by dog the
other night, declared, as soon as he re-
covered from his fright, that he would
Kill the animal. "But the dog isn't
nad," said the owner. "MGdr" shout
ID the victim, exasperatiDgly: "what
n the thunder has he got to be mad
bout? He evidently misconstrued
he explanation.
A boy six years old, living on Muir
ay Hill, having been much lectured
W his father on the babyishness of cry
ng when any calamity happens, cheer
ID the parental heart the other morn
ng by saying; "Harry B. cried nearly
Ii day cause his father died, but if
rou should die, pa, I wouldn't cry
it,"
A croupy youth IN a neighboring
own having strongly objected to TAX
ng his medicine, was induced to make
4 a, ,s,-ol IS h,,nl- xvhaof oaEa onA