Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1872-07-04
Humorous Readings.

Humorous Readings.
IF sweet disposition does not come
to a lady by nature it will come to her
by express if the express brings her a
new bonnet
A negro offering to lift lady over a
gutter, she insisted that she was too
heavy "Lor, missus," said he, Use
used to lifting barrels of sugar, | is. z"
A bride in Indiana, after the conclu-
sion of the marriage ceremony, stepped
gracefully forward and requested the of
floating clergyman to give out the hymn,
This is the way long have sought.
The most gallant man ever heard of
is one who refTained from kicking a dog
that had bitten him because it was a fc-
male dog. IF it wasn't for your sex, "
said he, Il would kick your head off. "
II wonder where these clouds are 60
ing" sighed Flora, pensively, as she
pointed with delicate finger to the heavy
masses that tioated in the sky. . | think
they are going to thunder" said her
brother
\ young lady in Fitchburg was look
ng at a picture representing two lovers
II boat. with the arms of the lover
gently enfolding the waist of his dulci-
ia. when she innocently remarked, -
Glow natural. W
When couple of young people,
strongly attached to each other, COM
mence toeat onions it is safe to pro-
nounce them engaged.
A young lady who was recently out
riding became alarmed when the horse
began to kick and naively requested her
beau to get out and hold the animals
lee.
The Mariposa man who lost his ear in
fight, and afterwards had it replaced
wrong end up, is obliged to stand on his
head to hear straight.
.Paticnce on q monument has no
reference to doctors patients. You will
find them under monument.
A man out west being offered a plats
of macaroni soup, declined it, declaring
that they "couldn' play off any billed
pipestems on him."
Podology is the latest ology. It is the
science of being able to tell a persons
character and disposition by the bones
of the leg and feet. 1t is not likely to
come generally in vogue.
The modern woman when she has a
nail to drive doesn't wait for her hus-
band to come home. She catches hold
of the nail as she would into the hair of
a recreant son, swinging the hammer
over her head and plunges downward.
Then she ties up her fingers as well as
she can, put on her best bonnet and goes
right over to her mothers for a good
cry and her tea.
An Iowa man recently died from
swallowing a pocket-knife and injurious
medical treatment combined. He got
along very nicely as long as the knife
was closed but when the doctor gave
him opening medicine, it killed him.
A ten year-old Boosting to school
mate, of his fathers accomplishments,
puts it thus q My father can do almost
anything. He's a notary public and a
'p0thecary, and he can pull teeth, and
he's a horse doctor, and he can mend
chairs and wagons, and things, and he
can play the fiddle, and he's jackass at
all trades"
An affectionate Detroit man was sent
for the other day to demonstrate with
his sister, who had been trying to take
poison. He knocked her down, dragged
her round the room by the hair, and fin
ished by tenderly assuring her that :" if
she didn't 90 to work and let the suicide
business alone he would break her neck
for her -
A young man from the country was
looking at the telegraph poles and lines
the other day, and finally asked, ''what
is them things for ?" He was informed
that the telegraph is what they send the
news over the country with. Countrys
remarks were extremely Characteristic
''You don't say SOL Then right here /
shall stand till | see one newspaper
shoot through the bottle neck, if it takes
till dark
The rejected sutton. l praised the
glory of her brow, and cheeks that
shamed the rose, and paid my tribute to
her chin, my homage to her nose. /
sighed into her listening ear-her left it
was think-that was almost in despair:
yes, standing on the brink. / spoke of
what my life would be if [ was left to
pine; / talked of loves felicity, and
asked her to be mine. She gently said,
9 think you are perfect DER and DER;
| think you are perfect fool" and-I
went out the door
A youngster attending school has
written to his mother the following
characteristic letter:
Dear mother-I got another licking
yesterday, but | had on three pair of
pants and it didn't hurt me much.
was licked because | put six pins in
Mrs chair. | knew they wouldn't
prick him, and made bet they would
not. Mr.. was so mean and hard
that the pins would not go in. | won
the bet which was dog. He is good
dog, and | am training him to bite old
ssHardsides, and some night when he
comes home after dark, and if lack is
as good after him as he is after cats |
wont get licked any more. lack and |
killed ten cats Sunday, though | was at
Sunday school and church all day, and
it wasn't a good day for killing cats,
either That makes the third licking /
have had this week, One because | had
bottle of-milk in my room, and the
other because | wrote composition ON
negroes that old Hardsides didn't like
| said that negro was dark subject to
write on. 1t was like a dark African
going down dark cellar On dark night
without light looking for black cat
that wasn't there Old Hardsides licked
me for that. Send. me some more of
them pies. / made good trade with
some of them. If you will send me five
dollars | will stop all my bad habits, ex-
cept cursing and swearing and chewing
and drinking and one or two others.
You had better make the trade. Give
my love to Julia and tell her to send
me that little fiddle / left in the old
trunk Your affectionate son,
BILLIE.