The Van Buren press., 1872-05-14
MISCELLANY.
Love Without Nonsense.
Not a Bit Lake q sNorsl-A Capital
Take off on The High Pressure
Style Of Doing It,

|
, Takeof on The High Pressure
Style Of Doing It,
Once upon a time there was a fai
young maiden, whose name was Mary
although they called her Moll, for shor,
, She wasn't tall dark eyed maiden, wit
clear, transparent skin, and lips lik
cherries, and cheeks suffused with blush
ss She didn't have glossy black hair
sweeping back in wavy tresses from he
queenly brow, and her form wasn't bi
like Hebe's. No, there we're none 0
these things. On the contrary, she wa
short and thin, and had red hair ans
freckles, and she also sported snaggl,
teeth and wore pads but still she was
a right nice girl, and there was a young
man who fell in love with her, and biz
name was Bill, although his friends call
ed him William when they wanted to hur
his feelings, for he didn't like it much
He wasn't fine looking, and had neither
curly brown hair, nor moustachs. Not
much. Bill laid himself out on soap.
locks, and wore goatee that he had dyed
| bNICc u Woth.
Now, this Bill was in love with Mary,
but did be GO and make deliberate ass
Of himself? Did he, l say, go into a
grove with her, and in the soft moon
light, by the streamlet that murmured
sweetly by, and with the tender zephyr
signing through the foliage, fall down on
his knees, seize her jeweled hand, and
breathe his deep affection in the tender
accents of fond attachment, and swear
"by yon bright orb, always to be
thine ?" Did he, sayp You can just
bet he didn't. You can lay cut your
whole revenue safely on that. William
knew too much about the price Of pants
to go Topping around on the grass with
his good clothes on, besides he never
cared anything about streamlets or any
kind Of cold water, except with his gin.
this fhrardaNaa Hyffiaaaain Hyffiaaaain ih}yts hep 'ac fhe
alley gate, and he stood right up on his
old legs, and says; Say, Moll, old gal,
s'posen we got hitched 2"
But how did Mary behave2 Did she
90 dropping to sleep over on the bricks
in dead faint, or did she hide her gen.
tie head on his shirt bosom to conceal
her bushes No she didn't, and she
didn't say, "I'm ever thine, my own love,
dear William " Oh, my, no. She look
cd right in his yellow eyes and says,
I'm in, Billy! I'm the gal for these
sort of things. Go in" And instead
Of referring him to her father, she only
said: "Won't tho old man bust right
out when you tell him. Ha ha! and
she laughed. But she didn't ask Will
liam to try to mollify her fond father
No, no. She very wickedly advised him
to "poke the old man in the nose if he
gave him any Of his lip" She was n
funny girl. this Mary
Now, the old man wasn't wealthy, for
he sold fat for living, aud so he
didn't think Bill was nosing around after
his stamps; so when Bill asked him he
neither ordered him fiercely away, nor
did the dewy moisture gather in his eagle
eye as he passed his hemstitchod up
thorc and said: "Bless you, my chill.
dren, bless youw Oh, no. nothing Of
the sort. IIe just blew his old rod nose
in his bandanna and told Bill to take her
along, for he was glad to get rid Of her,
he was, and William would be the same
way mighty soon. for she was awful
rough on victuals, and always broke
plates when she got mad,
So YOU see, there really was no ncces
sity for William to come at midnights
solemn hour, in q cab, and throw rope
ladder up to her window, and whistle
three times on his fingers, and then go
up, hand over hand, and bring her down
in one hand and the trunk in the other,
and q band-box and an umbrella under
each arm, and whole lot Of bundles, and
then get into the cab and fly to some
distant shore. That's the way it would
have been in novel; but Bill said he
wasn't on that lay, and so he just went
out in tho yard, and out ofpure joy, he
skinned the cat three or four times on the
rrabevine arbor, and then went and got
in hi. butcher cart and drove Mary
right down to the magistrate, to get the
lob done for q quartcr--for he said he
was some on low prices, ho was
Bu. the very qucerost thing Of all was
that Bill had no tall, dark, rufIianly n
val, with q scowling yisage and BLACK
whiskers, who flew at him with drawn
dagger and horse. pistol in each hand.
and muttered curse upon his lips, ana
cried wildly for Revenge. Ha ma
and said "Death " and VILLAIN, thou
diost!" Not any. There was another
fellow in love with Mollio, to be sure
but he was weak eyed young man, who
had sandy hair, and wore spcctaeles and
a choker collar. and always looked scar
ed when you hollered at him. So wher
he saw that Bill had the best OF the glr!
affections, he looked all serene, and said
AGO in, Billy, if you banker for her.;
and as Bill was a tri1e on the banker, h'
sailed right in. ....
So William, you see, had no trouble a
all-and you couldn't get up an agonlz
ing novel about him If you tried H'
didn't have any urgent business that call
ed him to a foreign land, and so he hat
to bid her a fond good.by, and swear al
ways to be true. and then go away anC
r,.o. lar and fall In love with q dark