The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1872-07-20
HOME MATTERS.
TIT BITS.

TIT BITS.
1t did not require prophet nor the son Of q
prophet to predict that the heated term" would
commence with the advent OF the first circus.
The merest tyro in weather progaosticating could
have foreseen it without the assistance of the
department which looks after these matters at
Washington. However, it is quito sufficient for
present purposes to say that the heated term did
come this year at the time indicated, and whew!
words fail to give it justice. The thermometer
has risen as suddenly as stocks in q " corner"
becoming feverishly excited, and from day to
day, in spite Of continued applications CT cracked
ice to its feet, has seemed determined to put
head on itself by boiling over. Shirt collars
wilt. and the wearer feels in no less limp con.
dition. Every linen suit becomes suddenly
seized with undying devotion to its owner. and
unpleasantly sticks closer than brother. David
and Jonathan. Damon and Pythiss never display.
ed one-half the affection for each other that q
mans shirt in these rendering days does for his
body. All efforts to keep cool are uuavailing,
and the heat is 30 intense that not enough ener.
gy is left in one to laugh at Sidney Smiths
remedy, which consists in taking off ones flesh
and sitting in ones bones Two young ladies
met on La Sale street one hot, hot day. They
had evidently not met for ten long previous
minutes. They Immediately melted-from the
heat, of course-aud sweetly, oh sweetly kissed
each others perspiring faces Scene in the
Circuit Court of - county. Time: q few
weeks back Two boys have been acquitted Of
burglary, notwithstanding the most convincing
evidence. Judge hears the verdict and turning
to the lad. says: Boys the jury say you did
not -t9al those pen.knives, and hope you will
never do i, again.. =. "A new pair Of scissors
hangs over our desk; beneath is written: He
who dares these shears displsce, must meet 70
local face to face" Phelp- Il Mallory are the
generous donors of this seasonable addition to
the locals stock in trade. May it be long before
their (P. j. Ms shadows are cut by the ruthless
shears of old father time. The belligerent dis
POSITION of news boys is universal. The other
day one little mite of q vendor OF papers threat.
ened to kick the seat Of honor Of another twice
his height, but as both were barefooted there
was no anticipation of drawing blood. In fact,
the operation would have been harder Oh the
kicker than the kickee 80. The law hedgling,
who J. =. been rus,icating for some days, when
congratulated upon his nuptials, stoatly denies
the soft impeachment. Is not that little too
thin 2. Jim Cross has got poison fer rats.
They par.ake Of the drug and come out in the
sun and quietly yield up the ghost. he says be
killed twenty four in one afternoon I'D it must
be true. for no one ever doubts his ,rd - II
J 5 true the weather is hot; it atrue lat any.
hing like clothing i. %. B,. newly
married couples who feel ~ TO tr the case
should first close the blinds Def re icy disport
themselves a la Adam and Eve i'll the costume
Of the time when sin had not rendered necessary
the Intervention of oven fig leaf. ..."A fair
exchange is no robbery" but an exchange Of the
fair" is a bird Of decidedly different color. A
Teller was driving across the Illinois river bridge
the other day with his dove. and meeting some
other felers he got out to have chat. Mean.
while another TELLER comes up With buggy,
clasps the willing fair ones waist lii.u her into
his carriage, and enscts Young Lochinvar over
again. Would you believe it ? The first Teller
says i. wasn't fair He wac right. There was
nothing fair about it, and the dove wss a. tolcl
part of it as any, and ancient at that Beemus
is sadly out in his mathematics, as witness the
following from the Independent: "On the let
OF April 1871 she had heifer calf, and en- the
1st of May 1872 that calf had calf, or when she
was only fifteen months old" Near as We can
come to it that calf" would be only Msrtsen
months old. That's the first time we ever knew
a "bull" to be made OF he,fer.