Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1872-06-21

j.
jHumOr. at
Open to conviction-jail yards.
A sound judge-A musical critic.
Improving time mending a clock.
Labor in vein-working coal mine
A grave misunderstanding man alive.
One measure in which all civilized nations
agree-The church-yard.
Half-mourning is popularity known 10
Pennsylvania as ''Pittsburg sunshine"
Figures won't lie." Won't they? Does
a fashionable woman's figure tell the truth
The Englishman who called the Hoosac
tunnel a blasted hole was literally correct.
''Teeth extracted with great palms," is
the rather ambiguous advertisement Of a
dentist.
Among the warmest friends of the one
term principle are the convicts in the peni-
tertiary.
A toast at a public dinner in Connecticut
1.-The nutmeg State; where shall we find a
grater?"
A dumb man recently went to law with
deaf man. The latter, of course, was the
deaf-endent.
Who was the straitest man mentioned in
the Bible Joseph, because Pharoah made
ruler of him.
A neighboring church society is taking
down its steeple. The pew rents are SO
high as to obscure it.
The stammering silk thief who was caught
in New York owned up to the officers that
he was gone cocoon.
o. W. Holmes says that crying widows
marry first. There is nothing like wet
weather for transplanting.
Holmes says: "I should like to see any
mans biography, with corrections and
emendations by his ghost"
A celebrated wit was asked if he knew
Theodore Hook. eyes," he replied, .Hook
and eye are old acquaintance"
On the ground that it is impoite to 90
anywhere tNk S0te- AZ ssAe AoT, bolne SenSI-
b'e person argues against suicide.
"What are you doing there 2" said gro
Ger to fellow who was stealing his lard. =
II am getting fat" was the reply.
Somebody says 20 wife should be like
roasted lamb, tender and nicely dressed"
A scamp adds, "and without any sauce"
Fanny Fern has written a novel called
Caper Sauce. No doubt Fanny is 'saucy"
enough, but she is getting too old to 'caper.
The Currency editor of the Providence
Herald claims copyright on the following {:
"Moral-Never trespass on another Mans
Geld."
Norwak has four,legged chicken which
is dead. 1t was designed to preserve it in
alcohol, but no one felt as if the alcohol
could be spared.
~ will preach from that portion Of the
Scripture. dis evening"" said colored divine
where de 'Postle Paul pints his 'Pistle
at the 'Phesians."
Judge-"Well, you are fond of stealing ;
if / should let you steal now, what would
L
away, your Honor"
II 60 through my work" reproving said
the needle to the idle boy. ''But not till
you're pushed" triumphantly replied the
idle boy to the needle. .H
Smirkins got home from drying with
mud on his shirt front, and told Mrs. S.,
with great assurance, that it was the Dolly
Warden bosom pattern.
"Mother, this book tells about the angry
waves of the ocean. Now what makes the
ocean get angry p Because it has been
crossed so often, my son.
A city missionary was asked the cause of
his poverty. principally" said he, with
a twinkle Of the eye, ''because I have
preached SO much without notes"
A sentimental chap intends to petition
Congress for a grant to improve the
channels Of affection, so that henceforth the
course Of true love may run smooth.
Far-seeing youth-Johnny, what do you
expect to do for living when you come to
be man 2" "Well, reckon I'll get mar
fleO, anu UodIu WILL NY WAC uotueE.
A great deal Of sport has been made of
the old woman who kissed her COW; but
what should be said Of the thousands of youn q
women who have kissed great big calves ?
Mr.. Dana has put the following prose
poem ''Tbe red. white and blue-Gratz
Browns hair, Greeleys hat, and the counte-
nances Of the Office holders next November {"
A man once went to lawyers Office and
wanted to know what he should do, man
having told him to go to hell He susyily
said 81 wouldn't advise you to go the
Law don't compel you"
The difference between blunder and
mistake is this When a man puts down
bad umbrella and takes up good one he
makes mistake; but when he puts down
good one and takes up bad one he makes
a blunder. Billings
A young man asked his sweetheart if he
might be permitted to kiss her, and give her
an affectionate hug "No,' said she, II can't
allow that, but I'll tell you what I will do
I'll split the difference with you-you may
kiss me and I'll hug YOU
Said Baptist to Methodist: II don't
like your church government. It isn't sim.