The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1872-11-16
The New Department I'm ssThc
Morning Glory
BY MAX ADELER,

J. Alfred Brimmer, Esq, editor and proprietor
OF The Morning Glory, having observed the dis.
position OF persons who have been bereaved OF
their relatives to give expression to their feelings
in poetioal form, reflected that it might per.
haps be good thing to introduce to his paper a
department OF obituary poetry. Ho coasi6ered
whether it, when an Individual inserted fifty
cents worth of death notices, the establishment
should ontributegrstuitously half dollar worth
OF mortality stanzas, his paper wenld not at once
become the most popular vehicle for the convey.
anoe OF that peculiar form OF melancholy intel
Hgence to the public. And Mr. Brimmer right.
~ estimated that, as most newspaper readers
seem to take deeper interest in such sepulchral
news than in information of any other kind the
journal containing the largest supply would
have the greatest number of subscribers.
So Mr.. Brimmer determined that he would, as
An experiment at any rate, engage an obituary
poet for short tisae, with the purpose of giving
him permanent employment il the plan seemed
to take with the public. Accordingly be cent for
Mr.. Remington Off, constructor Of verses, who
had frequently contributed to the columns Of
Tho Aorntng Glory poems Of what would have
been considered by fastidioas student of
English iturature an appalling revolutionary
character.
Mr.. Brimmer soon Effected an engagement
with the bard, by which it was agreed that lTr.
OFT should take position in the Office for short
time. and whenever death notice arrived he
should Immediately endeavor to grind out some
verses expressive of the situation.
"You understand, Mr.. Off," explained Brm.
mer, shat when the death of an individual is
announced, want you, as it were to cheer the
aniicted family with the resources OF your noble
art. I wish you to throw yourself, you may
All inn nd kO ,,;y
or two about the corpse v hioh will seem TO ne
the expression Of the emotion of the hearts OF the
living"
"Ts tighten the gloom, in certain sense,
suppose ?" said Mr.. OFT.
"Precisely! Tighten the gloom. Do not
mourn over the departed; but rather take a
joyous view of death, which aiter al, MIR. OFT,
is, as it were, but the entrance to better life.
Therefore, will advise you to touch the heart.
strings OF the afflicted with t der hand, and
endeayor, for instance, TO divert their minds
from contemplation OF the horrors OF the toIab."
II will throw of s.anzas," said Nr Ost, ain
such manner that people will want tneir
friends to die for the sake ot the poetry"
But above ALL" continued the editor, {" take
bright view of the matter always. Make the
sunshine OF smiles, as It were, burst through the
tempest of tears; and, If we don't make the
Morning Glory hum around among the r1ourners
OF this town, nay name is not 3 rimmer"
Ho was right. It did hum.
The next DAY Remington went on duty, and
Brimmer ran down to the seashore for breath
of fresh mir AL through tho day death notices
came pouring in. and, when one would reach
Ou, he would seize il and study it up to ascer.
tain the particulars Then he would rush m
stairs, lock h;nself in his room, take down nis
rbyming dictionary, run his fEge,a through HE
hair, and hack away for half an hour q. q piece
of paper until be considered that he had thet
pJetry in a shape that would make the stricken
family feel proud OF the corpse. Whom his days
work was done, OFT went home with conviction
that the Morning glory had finally robbed death
of lite terrors aud made life comparatively valus.
less
In tho morning 8ir. Ots proceeded calmly 20
the office for the purpose Of embalming in sym.
pathetic verse The memories OF other departed
ones Ae he came nesr 10 the establish ment he
observed crowd Of five or six thousand people
in front OF it, strug Cling to get into the door.
Clim ing a tree, he overlooked tie crowd, and
could ses within the Office the clerks selling "a
peri as fast Gs tkey could handle them, while tho
mob pushed and iammed and yelled in frantic ef.
forts to obtain ccpiei--the presses in the mean.
while Changing away lika mad. Upon the curb.
etone III front OF him there waa line of men
stretching down the street for four squares, each
man engaged in reading The M0raing Glory
with an earnestueps that Mr.. OFT he'd never
before seen displayed by the patroos OF tne aiore.
said sheet
He went around to the back part of the Office
and assembled to the editorial rooms. AS he ap.
preached the sanctum, loud voices were heard
within. Mr. OFT determined to ascertain the
cause before entering. He obtained q chsir. ard.
placing i! by ths side door, he mounted and
peeped over the door through the transom.
There sat j. Alfred Briminer, holding Tho Morn.
ing Glory in both hands, while tho fringe which
grew in u semi.cirole erourd the edgs of his bald
head stood straight out, until be seemed TO re.
semble gigantic gun-swab. Two or three
persons stood In front OF him in threatening at
titu1es. OFT heard one of them say;
my name il McGlue, sir !-Wli;am McGlue!
l am brother of the late Alexandx ucGlue. |
picked up your per this morning, md percciy.
cd in it n most outrageous insult 10 my deceased
relative, and have come around TO demand, sir,
what Go you mean by the following inisnous
langusgep
"The death angel smotc Alexander McGlue.
And gave HIM protracted repose;
He wore checked SHIRT and Number Nine shoe,
And he had pink wart on his nose.
No doubt he is happier dwelling inspace
Over there on the evergreen shore.
Hsriends are informed that his funeral takes place
Precisely OF quarter past four"
"This 10 simply diabolicali Ny late brother
had no wart on his nose, sir. He had upon his
nose neither a pink wart or green wart, nor
erssm.colored wart, nor wart Of any other col.
or. 1t is q slander! 1t is gratuitous insult
to my family, and I distinctly want you to cay
what you mean by such conduct"
"Really sir" said Brimmer, ut is mistake
This is the horrible work of an inoendiary mis-.
creant whom used as brother. He shall bo
punished by my own hand for this outrage A
pink wart! Awful, sir awful! The miserable
scoundref shall suffer tor ths--he shall, indeed"
"And who said another man, addressing the