Marshall County Republican. (Plymouth, Ind.) 1856-1878, 1872-10-10

Squire, don't the poets say something
about the calculation of men and rats
going crooked?'
"Mice and men, Burns says" 1 an
swered.
"Well, mice and rats is all one, and
so is men and fools sometimes, as l have
found out in my travels. | was so sure
she would have me that went off and
spent all my money for fine clothes,
thinking would have them ready for
the wedding-and l did Confound
that widow, | say Confound all wild
ows Thursday evening came at last,
although it was long time about it,
and over l went, dressed into fits, and
feeling as big as Josh Raynor did when
he was elected coroner. / got there
about dark and found a right smart
crowd collected, which was not on the
bills, but felt as big and as good as the
rest of 'em. So l marched in like a
blind mule into potato patch, and
took seat by the fire. l didn't see
anything of the widow, but / kept look
ing for her to come in or send for me,
and passed away the time cussin' the
crowd to myself, thinking they had no
business there, and | would not get to
talk to my woman bit. Presently the
door opened, and in walked Polly and
the dad burned doctor and whole
team of boys and girls fixed up savage
ly, tell you. | looked around for
fiddler, thinking they were about to
have a bali, but | wondered what they
all kept so still for, and was about pro
posin' a reel, when up gifts a little
preacher, and before you could swallow
a live oyster he had Polly and the Doc
tor married faster than a Mexican
greaser could tie bulls horns. l was
so completely fummuxed that | set
there with my mouth open like / was
going to swallow the whole crowd, and
my eyes looked like billiard balls til
the ceremony was over, when jumped
up and beloved
g l forbid the concern from being con-
stituted!"
You are little too late, my friend;
says the preacher; and they all COM
menced laughing like they had seen
something funny.
"Ill be burned swizzled if l don't be
soon enough for somebody yet, said l !;
for was mad, Squire, and no mistake
in the ticket. l do believe could have
eat up that doctor quicker than hun
CRY dog could swallow a squirrel skin, if
| could have had fair chance at him.
1t was too bad, after l had fixed up to
marry her myself, for her to walk right
out under my eyes and marry that great
baboon."
at was bad, that is fact said l.
bad y cried he. at was Iaeaner
than eating fried coon. l first shought
I'd 60 straight home, but then l con
cluded that wouldn't spite nobody, so
concluded to stay and see if | could not
get satisfaction out Of somebody. You
know I'm the devil to get myself or
somebody else into a scrape when | take
a notion, and I'd taken one that night
that went all over me like third day
chill so | commenced a studyin out
some plan. recollected hearin the
doctor say that where he come from
but the Lord only knows where that
was-the bride and groom always wash
ed their faces together before they went
to bed, as a charm against infdelity or
imbecility, or some other long word.
While was studyin' about that, l spied
the doctors saddle.bags setting in the
corner; so 1 waited till they went in to
supper, and then l got the bags and
looked to see what ! could discover.
Nearly the first thing l saw was stick
of lunar caustic. l slipped it into my
pocket, for | had my plan as soon as
saw it. Well, watched around till l
saw one of the girls go to the pail with
the pitcher; SO | went out and asked
her what she was going to do with it.
She said she was going to carry it to
the room for the doctor and Polly to
wash their faces in. l kept talking to
her while she was filing the pitcher,
and when she turned her head | drop
ped the caustic into it. 1t was then
about bedtime, and l got my hat and
put out, but l couldn't help laughing
all the way home, whenever I'd think
about it next morning.
DWELL, Squire, they do say that when
that couple walked up the next morning
they both had the hardest kind of fits,
each one thinking they had been sleep
ing with niger. Oh, it was rich He
a cussin' and tearin' up things, and she
a .creamin' and faintin', and comin' too,
and goin' off again, and me not there
to see it. They made such rascally
racket that the folks broke into the
room to see what was the matter, and
there they was with their faces and
hands as black as the inside of d stove
pipe. I'd give half my interest in t'other
world Just to have been at some safe
place where could have seen the row.
As soon as they found that they were
the same folks that married the night
before, they called for warm water and
soap, but just here the doctor happened
to think about the pitcher, and took it
to the door to see what was the matter.
There was little piece Of caustic that
had not dissolved, and as he saw it he
says: 500 .raH sn
It's no use washing, Polly. All the
soap in New York city can't wash that
black off, s= ~ r
"That was Tie truth, Squire. Soap
and water had no more effect than it
would on a native born African, and all
the chance was to wait and let it wear
off. How long it took them to get white
again I never found out; but one thing
do know" he concluded, getting up
to go out, "the next time l saw the
doctor | had the hardest fight and come
the highest getting whaled that ever