Holmes County Republican. [volume] (Millersburg, Holmes Co., O. [Ohio]) 1870-1895, 1872-05-30
MRS. TWAIN's SHOE.
Roller Skating from a Melan
cholly Point of View.


Roller Skating from a Melan-
cholly Point of View.
I A propos of the revival of roller ska
ting here, the following little domestic
colloquy will do:
Mrs. L: Mr.. Twain, I am surprised
and grieved to- '
Mr.. T.: Don't interrupt me, woman
| tell you it's absurd-you learn TO
skate! You'll be wanting to play fairy
in the Black Crook next. tell you,
skating is an accomplishment suited
only TO youth and comeliness OF face
and symmetry of figure. Nothing is
SO charming as 10 see nice girl, in the
coquettish costume of the Kinks, with
cheeks. rosy with excitement, skimming
the ice like bird, and swooping down
upon L crowd OF gentlemen, and pre-
tending she cant stop herself, and land
ing in the arms of the very young man
her father don't want her to know
and darting away again, falling on her
head and exposing herself to remarks
tabout her carelessness. -..i
Mrs. I. tries to speak, saying: d
| T." ---
Mr.. T.: Madame, hold your tongue
And always take care to fall when that
young man is close by to pick her up.
Oh, it is charming. They look pretty
and interesting too, when they stand
still Il long time in one place, and then
start one foot gingerly, Shows how
make break for the other side of the
pond, and leave the balance of the girl
sprawling on this side. You look fal
and awkward and dismal enough at any
time, and When You are on skates you
waddle of as stutfy and stupid and I'M
calmly as u blizzard that's had half !;
horse for dinner. -.rs.. ...y.... ..,,
Mrs. T. tries again to speak: Oh
Oh-Ma- .iyi
Mr.. T.: | won't have it, madame
And you get under a little precariou.
hcadway, then put yonr feet together
and DRIFT along, STOPPING your head ant
shoulders Shows how and holding Ou
your arms like you expected Il churcl
Mas going to fall on you; it aggravate
the life out of ME. And Tuesday, whel
[ was ass enough to get on skates my
self and kicked the Irish giants eye
out the first dash, and lit on my heat
and cracked the ice so that it loolet
like the sun with all its rays droppe,
where l struck, and they fined me 81
dollars for running the mans pond,
was terrified with the conviction that
had gone through TO the inside of tn
world, because | SAW the parallels 0
latitude glimmerins all around me
and what was it but your awkwardnes
fetchin up over me with your contour
ded "tilters" on! | can't stand the pew
rent, and / won't. p
| MES. l.. MI. L W I'LL L siili SUI p
Mr.. 7. Hold your clatter. tell 70,
: you shan't bring odirm upon the fami
ly by your .disgraceful attempts t.
skate, spr:lwling around with your bi.
feet like cow plowing her way dow
hill in slippery weather. (Shows how.
Maybe you wouldn't be so handy abou
displaying those feet of yours if yo
knew what occurred when took you
shoes down to get EN- mended.
Mrs. Z. What was it? Tell me wha
? it was? Tell me what it was this mil
f ute. 1 just know It's one OF your lies
Mr.. I. Oh, don't mind; it amt Q
any consequence; go to bed.
!, Mrs. T. But it is of consequence,
You have got 10 tell me, you shan't ag
Igravate me in this way, 1 won't go
!, bed till know what it was. ~
Mr.. 4. 1t wasn't anything,
c Mrs. 4. know better. You're ju
doing this to drive me TO distraction
What did the shoemaker say about IN
shoe? What did he do: Quick
}. (Bristling up to him with clenche
hands.N ,sNNaNss 3 800
Il Mr.. 4. We'll, if you must Know, l
:, l-he-however it's Of no consequence
Mrs. Il. Mr.. Twain: Shaking h,
fist in his face.) ...
& l.. Mr.. L. Well he-tOOk it and gaze
on 1t long time in silence, and the
burst into tears. (ShOws how
Mrs. 4. Why, you born fool. Twai
r. are you going stark-staring crazy:
Mr.. 7. He just stood there and We
as if his heart would break, poor devi
There, now, let's go to bed.
Mrs. T. Bed, you lunatic! I'll ne
| er close my eyes till l know what Il
4, idiot was crying ahout-and You won
either, can tell you that. Come.
MIR. 4. q, it don't matter.
Mrs. T. Mr.. Twain, if you say tn
again I'll make you sorry for,it. VIII
be was that numskull crying about?
m m.- Mr.. Il. Wen, he he
Mrs. 7. Wen, he. Ont with it,
nj you want me to-to-rwain I'll snat,
them pet ear-locks of till the side
- your heads rs bald rs the top of u
hand.
0 Mr.. L. Well, he poor fellow;
U, fairly dotted on his grandmother-iail
dotted on her. She had nurscd him, y
IS, know, because his mother was so feeb
and so-well, he came to this count