Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1872-09-27
HuInOr.

Fs Humor.
Why is grain sand in the eye like
schoolmaster's whip? Because it hurts the
pupil.
An old wiDe-bibber says that an empty
champagne bottle is like an orphan, because
it has lost its pop.
elias Doctor - much practice now ~
80 yes I assisted in laying out three of bis
patients last week."
An editors pocket was picked at Itch
field, Illinois, and he tried to make the pub
lie believe he lost 50.
"Have you heard my last speech ?" ask
ed political, haranguer Of wit / sin
cerely hope SO, was the reply.
What is the difference between hill and
apill? One is something hard to get up,
and the other is often hard to get down
A tender-hearted omnibus driver on the
Fifth Avenue line says be hates to run over
person he thinks it hurts the springs.
A blacksmith in Pennsylvania village
gives notice that ''no horses will be shod
here on Sunday, except sickness and death "
An Ohio lawyer included in his bill
against his client-"To waking up in the
night and thinking abont your case, ten
dollars
The married ladies Of Hannibal have or
ganized 'sCome Home Husband Club =
Broomsticks figure among the inducements
to come.
An Iowa woman has realized $4,000
from the insurance on the lives OF two hus-
bands, and they weren't very good bus.
bands either.
Some young men are little partial to
blue.eyed maidens. Others like dark eyed
lasses. But the mon-eyed girls have the
most admirers
''Don't worry about my going away, my
darling. Absence, you know, makes the
heart grow fonder'-"Of somebody else,'
added the darling.
elbow one thing brings up another"
said lady, absorbed in pleasing RETROSPECT
ton. eyes," replied the practical Dibbs
ian emetic, for instance"
Lady traveller to backman at Central de-
pot. care you engaged p Hickman
''Why Lord bless you, madam I've been
married these twenty years"
A correspondent of Maine paper wants
to know some remedy for striped bugs. We
should suppose the remedy depended very
,o,,ob IN What ails the hucs
An old lady who had heard that young
friend had lost place by misdemeanor,
uncharitably observed that "there was alters
a woman at the bottom Of it,"
It is said that blacksmiths and machinists
are more or less given to vices, and that
carpenters will chisel when they can get
chance and think the operation will pay.
An Iowa man is still chuckling in his
sleeve over the way in which he sold an un-
sophisticated brewer in his neigbborhood by
swapping" his wife for barrel of beer.
The enterprising individual who is organ
izipg brass band of twenty woman says if
they learn half as many tairs' as they put
on the experiment cannot fail of being sue
cess.
What relation is loaf of bread to steam
engine Its mother. Because steam en-.
CINE is an invention, and bread necessity
therefore Necessity is the Mother of Inven-
ton.
An editor says his ancestors have been in
the habit of living hundred years. His
opponent responds by saying that ''that was
before the Introduction Of capital punish
ment"
An author selected as the title Of new
romance, "Wrecked in Port" His publish |
er looked sharply at the authors red nose,
and muttered, eyes, either Port or Bur-
gundy."
An Artesian we'll in Lincoln, Nebraska,
is so magnetic that it will draw cup to.
ward it. That's nothing, though, for q
small black bottle will often draw whole
crowd toward it,
sis there any danger of the boaconstrics
tor biting !" asked visitor of the zoolog-
cal Snowman s'Not the least" re piled the |
showmyn. ''He never bites, he swallows
his whites whole"
Mr. Theodore Tilton says in bis paper:
Save me from God who damns."
An acquaintance replies:
"We should like to do it my boy, but the
thing is impossible"
A four-year old female went into drug.
store the other day, and said to the proprie.
tor in half whisper: eff little girl hain't
got any money, how much chewing-gum do
you give her for nothing ?"
An anxious, but net aimless Young Iadv
wrote to male acquaintance Come over
and see me. We have new lamp at our
house which you can turn down-doyn-
DOWN until there is scarcely a bit of
light in the room
Dubuque girls, whose young men hang back
in the traces, bet sticks of chewing gum as
to their own weight, and let the bows decide
by "hefting' them. If the young men are
careful and wish to be accurate in their de.
cisions, they frequently lift the girls several
times before giving up the stakes.
Jones and Brown were talking lately of
young clergyman whose preaching they had
heard that day. "What do you think of
him p asked Brown. II think" said