The Somerset herald. [volume] (Somerset, Pa.) 1870-1936, 1872-12-18
THEJosn.BiLLISGs PaPERs.
Valuable Receipts.
now TO PIX OFT A WIFE.


Find girl that il 10 years old last
May, about the right height, with a
blue eve and dark-brown hair and
white teeth.
Let the girl be good to look at, not
too phond of musk, a Grm disbeieav-
er in ghosts, and one Of six children
in the same family
Look well 10 the karakteF ov her
father see that he IS not a member
Ov enny club, don't bet on elekshuns,
and gifts shaved at least 3 times q
week.
Find out all about her mother see
If she haz got heap Of good COM
mon sense, study well her likes and
d.slikes, eat sum ov her hummade
bread and apple dumplins, notiss
whether she abuzes all Ov her nabOrs.
ask her servants how long they hev
lived thare, and don't fail tew observe
whether her dresses are last years
ones fxt over.
If you are satisfied that the mother
would make the right kind Of a
mother-ia-law, va kan safely konklude
that the dauter would make the right
kid ov q wife
After these Preliminarys are settled
and va hav done a Reasonable
amoant of sparkling, ask the young
lady for her heart ana hand, and if
she refuses, yu kan konsider yourself
euchered.
If, on the CONTRARY, she should say
yes, git married at once, without any
fuss and feathers, and proceed to take
the chances.
/ say take the chances, for thare
aint 10 resipee for a perfekt wife,
enny more than thar il for a perfekt
husband
Thare IL just as nenny good wives
az thare IL good husbands, ann | never
knew two people. married or single,
who were determined tew make them
sells agreeable to each other, but
what they suekceedeG.
Name your oldest boy sum good
stout name, not after sum hero, but
should the first BOY be a girl. | ask it
az a fayout to ME that you kaul her
Rebekker.
l do want some ov them good, old
fashioned, tuff girl names revived and
extended.
HOW TEw PIX OUT A Dog.
Dogs are Citing dreadful skase.
and if va don't pix one out putty
soon, it will be forever too late.
| hay written during myvunger
DAYS, when | knu a good deal more
than do now, or ever shall kno agin,
an essa onto dogs, and in that essa
kaimed that the best kind ov a dog
for all purposes for a man to hav was
a wooden dog
The experience Of wears don't seem
tew change mi OpiEyun, and now,
az then, reckomend the wooden dog.
Dogs, az a general thing, are orna-
mental, and the wooden dog kan be
made billy SO. after emmy pattern or
design that a cultivated taste NAV
suggest.
If the wooden dog IL made with
the bark on, so much the better; for
we are told bv thoze who study Sich
things that dogs which bark never
blight
Wooden dogs never stra away three
or four times a year. ike flesh and
blood dogs do, and don't kost or 10
dollars reward each time tew make
them cum bak hum agin-
Wooden dogs don't have the old
Observation-Disclosures neither are
they running round, and round and
round, and round after themselfs,
trieing tew ketch up with a wicked
flea, who is bizzily engaged knawing
away at the dog'-eontinuashun.
Thare amt no better watch dog in
the world than the wooden one. Yu
set them two watching ennythins,
they vii, watch it for 3 years, and
they amt krazy, and want tew jump
thru a window in a minuit, if they
just happen tew hear boy out in the
streets whistling Yankee Doodle
or sally Cum up"
Wooden dogs won't stretch them
selves out in front Ov the fire place,
taking up ali the hot room, nor they
won't dy at a harmless old beggar
man, who only wants a krust, and
tare him all tew little bits in minitt.
If WI want tew pix out a good dog,
pix out wooden one; they range in
price, all the way from 10 cents to a
dollar, aekording tew the lumber in
them, old age don't make them kross
and useless, and. if they dew happen
to loze a he'd or leg, in sum skrim-
mage, a dose ov Spalding's glu, taken
1t night, jist before they retire, will
fetch them cut all strait in the morn
ing.
Defense OF Little Men,