The Van Buren press., 1872-06-18
Mrs. Jones Pirate.
By MAX ADELER.

sanUulnATN pirate sdllei upon tu'
Spanish main in rakish looking schoon.
er. which was called the Mary Jane She
carried lots Of howitzers and deadly ri.
fed guns, with shot and she'll and pow
der, and percussion caps in tons.
The pirate was homely man, and
short and grim and fat; he wore wild
and awful scowl beneath his slouching
hat Swords, pistols and stillettoes were
arranged around his thighs, and demoni.
acal garing WAS quite common with his
eyes.
His heavy black mustaches curled
away beneath his nose, and dropped in
elegant festoons about his very toes, He
hardly ever spoke at NIL, but when such
was the case his voice, twas easy to per.
ceive, was quite heavy bass.
He was not a serious pirate; and de
spite his anxious cares, he rarely went TO
Sunday school, and seldom said his pray.
ers He worshippcd lovely woman, and
his hope in life was this To calm his
wild, tumultuous soul with pure domestic
bliss.
When convcrsing with his shipmates
he very often swore that he longcd to
give up piracy and settle down on shore
lie tired Of blood and plunder, Of the
joys that they could bring; he sighed to
win the love o. some ahectoDate young
thing.
One morning as the Mary Jane went
bounding DER the sea. the pirate saw
merchant bark far ont upon his lee. He
ordered pursuit, and spread all sail
that he could spare, and then went, in
hopeful mood, to shave and curl his hair
He blached his boots, and paired his
nails, and tied a fresh cravat; he cleaned
his teeth, pulled down his cuffs, and pol
ished up his hat; he dimmed with flour
the radiance Of his fiery red nose, for,
hanging with the vessels wash, he saw
some ladies' hose,
Once more on deck, tue strangers hull
he riddled with ball. and yelled: IL
say what bark is that? - In answer TO
this call, the skipper on the other boat
answered in thunder tones This here $
the bark Matilda, and her captains name
Is Jones"
-The pirate told his bold corsairs to
maif1he Jolly boats, to board the bark
and seize the crew, and slit their tarry
throats, and give his compliments to
Captain Jones. and say he wished that
he and Mrs Jones would come and spend
the day
They reached the bark, they killed the
crew. and threw them in the sea, and
then they sought the captain, who was
mad as he could be, because his wife
who saw the whole sad tragedy, it,sXcms
made all the ship vociferous witR her
outrageous screams.
But when the pirates message came
she dried her streaming tears, and SAID.
although she'd like to come, she had un-
pleasant fears, his social status being
very evidently low, she might meet with
some common people, whom she would
not care to know
Her husbands aged father, she admit
ted, dealt in bones, but the family de-
sccnded from the famous Duke de Jones
and such blue bloodod people, that the
rabbIe might be checked, had to make
their social circle excessively select.
Before she visited his ship she wanted
him to say if the Smythes had recogniz.
ed him in a social standing way, did the
Johnsons ever ask him round To their
ancestral halls? Was he noticed by the
Thomsous Was he asked to Simms'
balls
The pirate wrote that Thompson was
his best and oldest friend; that he often
stopped n, Johnson's when he had week
TO spend. As for the Smythes, they wor'
red him with their inccssant calls; his
very legs were weary with the dance al
Simms' balls
(Thc scoundrel Gbbcd most shameless
" In truth, he only knew lot OF
Smiths without VA most pleblan crew
His Jonsons used vulgar h, his Thorn
sons spelled with p, his Simscs had one
m, and they were common as could be
Then Mrs. Jones nussed up her nan
and donned her best dclainc, and went
with Capt. Jones aboard the schooneI
Mary Jane. The pirate won her heart
by saving, with a smiIc, he never saw q
woman dressed with such exquisite style
The pirates claim to status she was
very sure was just, when she noticed now
| famiiarly the Johnsons he discussed
Her aris.1cra,ic scruples they we're 7u'ck'