The state rights democrat. [volume] (Albany, Linn County, Oregon) 1865-1900, 1872-11-08
SCISSORIyGS.

empty champagne bottle is like an
orphan, because it has lost its pop.
HAS Doc or-rnuch practice
now?' 80 yes. assisted in laying
out three of bis patients last week.
"Have You heard my last speecb?"
asked political, haranguer of wit.
Il sincerely hope SO" was the reply.
An Ohio lawyer included in his bill
against his client--"To waking up
in the night and thinking aboat your
case, ten dollars"
A tander-bearted omnibus driver
on tbe Fifth Avenue line says he
hates to rtsn over person; he thinks
1t hurts the springs.
A blacksmith in Psnnsylvania
village gives notice that mo horses
will be shod here on Sunday, except
sickness and DEATH"
What is the difference between u
hill and pill? One is something
hard to get up, and the otter is
often hard to get down.
An lows woman has realized S50,-
900 from the insurance on the lives
of two husbands, and they weren't
very good husbands either.
"Sir, j will make you feel the
arrows OF my resentment. "Ah
Miss, why shonld 1 fear your arrows
when You never had beau?'
"Can you change u two-dollar
bill?" said an impecuDious drinker to-
bartender" Yes" "Well, when
get two-dollar bill I'll bring it
in"
| Some young men are a little
partial to blue-eyed maidens. 9th
ers like dark eyed lasses. But the
mon-eyed girls have the most adj
mirers.
''Don't worry about my going
away, my darling. Absence, you
know, makes the heart grow fon-
der'-"Of somebody else" added
the darling.
Lady traveller to hacklnan at Gen.
trail depot. ''Are you engaged?"
Hackman-"Why Lord bless you,
madam, I've been married these
twenty years"
| An old lady who had heard that
young friend had lost place by a
misdemeanor, uncharitably observed,
that there was alters woman at
the bottom CT it,
A correspondent of Maine paper
wants to know some remedy for
stripped bugs. We should suppose
the remedy depended very much on
what ails the bugs.
"How one thing brings up an
other" said lady, absorbed in
pleasing retrospection. "Yes, re-
piled the practical Dibbs; "an
emetic. for instance"
An Iowa man is still chuckling in
his sleeves over the way in which he
sold an unsophisticated brewer in
his neighborhood by Swapping" his
wife for barrel OF beer.
/ 1t is said that blacksE.iths and
machinists are more or less given
to rices, and that carpenters will
chisel when they can get a chance
and think the operation will pay.
An author selected as the title of o
new romance, Wrecked in Port.
His publisher looked sharply at the
authors red nose, aud muttered,
Eyes, either Port or Burgundy"
The enterprising individual who is
organizing a brass band of twenty
woman says if they learn half as
many ''airs' US they put on the ex-
! pertinent cannot fail of being o sue
cess.
An Artesian well in Lincoln, Ne
braska, is SO magnetic that it will
draw cup toward it. That's moth
ing. though, for small black bottle
will often draw q whole crowd
toward it.
! An old bachelor at wedding had
the heartlessness to offer the follow
: ing toast: Marriage-the gate
: through which the happy lover
leaves his enchanted regions and
returns to earth.
Counsel Ito wtiness:) 'sNow, sir.
: what S the character of the plaintiff
y in this suit?' Witness: Her
d character is slightly matrimonial
t characterr Witness: ''She's been
, married seven times"
A young lady, in the kitchen max
ing pie, said to her cousin, who
:. was hanging around, Crank, the
), kitchen is no place for boys. Has
do lgh such an attraction for your
cit mt he dough, cousin. but it is
he dear thar attratcs me-
Dubuque girls, whose young men
hang back in the traces, bet sticks OF
Ichawin,r-onnn as to their own weight