The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1872-06-06
A NEVADA FUNERAL.
BY MARK TWAIN.

BY MARK TWAIN.
There was a great time over Bucl
Fanshaw when he died. He was s
representative citizen. He had "kill
ed his man"-not in his own quarrel
it is true, but in the defense of stran
ger, beset by numbers. He had KEEP
sumptuous saloon. He had been the
proprietor of a dashing helpmeet
whom he could have discarded with
out the formality of a divorce. He
had held high position in the fire
department, and been very War.
wick in politics. When he died there
was great lamentatioon throughout
the town, but especially in the vast
bottom stratum of society. Ga
On the inquest it.was shown that
Buck Fanshaw, in the wasting deliri-
um of a typhoid fever. had taken ar
senic, shot himself through the body,
cut his throat, and jumped out of a
four story window and broken his
neck and after due deliberation, the
Jury, sad and fearful, but with intel
ligence unblinded by its sorrow,
brought in verdict of death ssby the
visitation of God.D What could the
s"OIIO uO W1bHOul JuIlSS tlfl $50
Prodigious preparations were made
for the funeral. All the vehicles in
the town were hired, all the saloons
were in mourning, all the municipal
and fire company flags were hung at
half mast, and all the firemen ordered
to muster in uniform and bring their
machines duly draped in black.
Regretful resolutions were passed
and various committees appointed I;
among them a committee of one was
appointed to call on a minister
fragile, gentle, spiritual new fedgling
from an Eastern theological semina-
ry, and as yet unacquainted with the
ways of the mines. The committee
man, ''Scotty" Briggs, made his visit.
Being admitted to his presence, he
sat down before the clergyman plac-
ed his fire hat on an unfinished manu-
script sermon under the minister's
nose, took from it red silk handker-
chief, wiped his brow, and heaved a
sigh of dismal impressiveness explain
atory of his business. He choked and
even shed tears, but with an effort he
mastered his voice, and said, in lugu-
brious tones: ~.
care you the duck that runs the
gospel mill next door?" aei@a 2n5
s'I am the-pardon me, believe /
do not understand ?" esa e.,
With another sigh aad half sob
Scotty rejeined:
"Why, you see we are in bit OF
trouble, and the boys thought may be
you'd give us a lift, if we'd tackle
you, that is, if I've got the rights of il,
and you are the head of the doxology
works next door,"
81 am the shepherd in charge of the
flock whose folds next door,"
"The which ?" 1 g t9refIiesti1
ssThe spiritual adviser of the little
company of believers whose sanctua-
ry adjoins these premises D 4
Scotty touched his head, reflected
moment, and then said:
ssYo ou rather hold over me, pard. I
reckon I can't call that hand. Ante
and pass the buck" @ts
"How? I beg your pardon. What
did 1 understand you to say ?" a
'sWell, you've rather got the bulge
on me. Or maybe we've both got the
bulge, somehow. You don't smoke
me and don't smoke you. You see
one of the boys has passed in his
checks, and we want to give him a
good send-off, and so the thing I'm
now on is to rout out somebody to
give little chin music for us. and
waltz him through handsome 81.
"My friend, 1 seem to grow more
and more bewildered. Your .obser-
vations are wholly incomprehensible
to me. Cannot you simplify them
some way? At first 1 thought per-
haps I understood You, but now l
grope. Would it not expedite mat
ters if you restricted yourself to cate
gorical statements of fact unincum-
bered with obstructing accumulations
of metaphor and allegory p"
Another pause, and more reflection.
Then scotty said: au
"Ill have topass, / judge lasa
allow ?"
you've raised me cut, pard.Y -
81 still fail to catch your meaning"
"Why, that last lead of yours is too
many for me-that's the idea. can't
neither trump nor follow suit ~ IL,
The clergyman sank back in his
chair perplexed. Scotty leaned his
head on his hand, and gave himself
up to reflection. Presently his face
came up, sorrowful, but confident.
GIVE got it now. SOS you cavvy,"
said he. "What we want is gospel
sharp. See ?" 7iiif-a.
: "a what 2" sa etaH sYad
"Gospel-sharp, parson." SOW
"Oh! Why didn't you say SO be-.
fore2 am clergyman-a parson ?"
"Now you talk You see my blind,
and straddle it like a man. Put it
there ep-extending a brawny paw,
which closed over the minister's small
hand and gave 1t shake indicative of
traternal sympathy and fervent graft
fication. r s5,5f.- --,.,,,.-,..
"Now we're all right, pard. Let's
start fresh. Don't you mind me snuff,
fling a little, becuz we're in a power
Of trouble. You see one of the boys
has gone up the fiume-" sg9ssas
"Gone where? ?" T,a "a
Sup tho hume-throw'd up the
sponge, you know" aa y
Thrown up the sponge ?"p ,ifo.9r
"Yes-kicked the bucket" v.ie.siv
'sAhl has departed to that mysteri-
Gus country from whose bourne no
traveller returns" 4f4,I oi9' 80
"Return2 Well, reckon not. Why
pard, he's dead"
eyes undarafanI