The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-11-19
H U MoRous ITEMS

napkin ring " 10 my almost wife,"
THE drum major who ran away from
Chickamauga, when reproached with cow
ardice, remarked, "I' rather be coward
all my life than corpse fifteen minutes y
Csg-one of the bellies Of Peoria said to
gentleman caller during the heated term:
"The mosquitoes are terrible; wish you
could see my back" He meekly replied
81 wish could.'
UB-" Sister," said one of the brethren at
a love FEAST care you happy ?" eyes,
deacon, feel as though / was in Beelze
bulbs BOSOM" Not in Beelzebub's bos-
omp "Well, some of the patriarchs, /
don't care which"
eB A lady made complaint to Freder-
ick 1.-The Great King of Prussia; "Your
Majesty" said she, "my husband treats me
badly" "That's none of my business"
replied the King. " But he speaks i'll of
you," said the lady. "That," replied he,
"is none of your business
CB-A New Fairfield man who failed to
get thirty cent pine apple for quarter of
a dollar, wanted to know "whether we are
breathing the pure air of freedom or being
strangled with the fetid breath of a hellish
despotism." The storekeeper said they
were the only pine apples he had.
GB~A Little boy on returning home from
church, was asked by his mother to give
the text. After thoughtful pause the
little fellow replied: "I don't hardly re-
member, but it was something about
hawk between two pigeons" The text
was: "Why halt ye between two opin-
kions.''
| t8"A Sunday school teacher who had
almost become discouraged over the list
lessness of her class, at last felt rewarded
by an interesting look from little girl.
The reward was lost when the little crea-
ture touched a bracelet on her arm, and
asked, Teacher, are them threaded on
'lastic ?''
GS A fond husband boasted to a friend:
"Tom, the old woman came near calling
me honey last night
"Did she, Bill what did she say?'
"She said, Well, old Beeswax, come to
supper"
Gsg An Iowan, going to a friend to get
him to write notice of his wife's desertion
the latter wrote, "My wife having left my
| bed and board" when the husband ex-
claimed, "Stop stop There's the troub-
le She didn't leave my bed, but carried
it with her."
|
| gB"A fellow returned home a borrowed
horse to the owner with note saying
81 return By the bearer your Horse. You
see l spell him with capital II because he
starts off so capitally," and he received in
reply this "HorsE all right spell him
with capital E because, however capi-
tally he may start off, he comes to a stop
with the greatest ease"
EB-A young Briton lately lost large
sum Eby betting on spiders. He wagered
that spider which he would produce
would cross plate quicker than spider
to be produced by friend. Each spider
was to have its own plate. His spider,
however, on being started, would not stir,
whilst its rival ran with immense speed.
The bet was consequently lost and the
loser soon found out the reason why--his
friend had hot plate.
GB-A Hampshire wag put the following
advertisement in weekly paper: "Who
wants to buy new milch COW, that is every
way kind, only five years old, and gives fif-
teen quarts of milk to millzing9 Jack
Rodgers" The next week Mr.. Rodgers
received not less than fifty applications
through the paper for the cow, which were
answered thus: eff l hear of any such
COW, will let you know Immediately.
Yours, truly, j. Rodgers"
CB-A little boot-blacl picked up q five
cent nickel on the sidewalk the other day
and was growing over his prize, when
burly earman demanded it, saying that he
had just dropped it.
"Your fve-cent piece had no hole in itP'
said the boy definitely
eyes, it had" said the rogue of a claim
ant.
'Well, this one aintp' said the boy, as
he walked off in triumph, leaving the op-
ponent to be jeered by the crowd.
GB-A Quaker married woman Of the
Church of England, and after the ceremony
the vicar asked for the fees, which he said
were a crown. The Quaker, astonished at
the demand, said if he would show him
any text in the Scriptures which proved his
ees were crown, he would give it to him;
upon which the vicar directly turned to the