The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1872-03-21
Keeping a POst.Ofice.

From the earliest period of recollec-
ton I've had desire to keep q post.
Office, or have the p. o. keep me;
didn't care o continental which. Fol
years 1 have toiled for the "posish' Of
p. M, and last week 1 succeeded. But
n0,o l write after my name er-P. NJ.
I'll tell you how it came about. The
postmaster here resigned, and, with the
aid of graveyard recommendation
1 succeeded him. It's nobody's busi.
ness if 1 did rob the tombstones
for names for my petition; and can't
see why the relatives of the defunct
chaps won't quit throwing it up to q
fellow.
Well, wrote p. NJ. after my name
Mrs. Lipmuck embraced me with the
tenderness of she-bear when 1 rushed
into the room waving my petition over
my head and my appointment brought
sundry other hugs. I was happy man
Mrs. L. and 1 sat up till midnight
writing my name with P. M. after it.
o, it looked grandly! 1 wouldn't have
snapped it for Pres, L. L. D., or A. B.
The next day L entered upon the dis
charge of my duties.
Immediately upon his successor
(which was me) being qualified, the ex-
P. NJ. left, and l was left alone. The
mail came, and 1 distributed it thus
wise: My motto has always been First
come first served" and acted upon it to
the best of my knowledge. / gave a
letter to each caller as long as they
lasted, and then 1 commenced on the
papers.
Wife said the thing would act like a
charm. Under the old regime some
people never got letter, while now the
first person in the office, after the dis
tribution of the mail, would get the big
gest, fattest letter that came.
The idea was original, and l prided
myself on its invention. The Lipmuclz
brain was over fertile.
The morning following email day" I
left my house for the post-office-the
attainment of long-cherished ambition
As 1 turned a corner L discovered two
well-known citizens about to test the
virtue in clenched hands.
81 never wrote letter to your wife" !"
vociferated one.
"You lie" yelled the other; "your
wife is in Birmingham, and wrote a
sweet letter to you. Lipmuck's noble
motto of First come first served placed
it in my hands, And moment later
at it they went.
l hurried on.
l had Just entered the p. o. when a
woman rushed into the building.
You villain" she yelled, knocking
my hat to the floor, and burying her
eagle talons in my hair. You gave
my letter to Mag Fastongue, the big
gest old slanderer in town. And she's
telling everywhere that I've been writ
ing to a married man."
Well, l now can't boast of as much
hair as l could a week ago.
Scarcely had my prosecutor left
when a crowd rushed into the office.
The Methodist preacher headed it. l
think he swore as he crossed the thresh-
old
william ~ he yelled, "you gave Bird
Lyre one of my letters, and he's blowing
everywhere that I've got wife in New
York and another in Maine"
xiii him. kill him " yelled those
behind him.
saw dozen fists and clubs nearing
me, and retreated.
Hang the scoundrel"' ~ cried the wo-
man and 1 feared that the command
would be executed.
1 went through the window, and now
I'm in another town.
I'm an exp. NJ. now, and chap
whose motto amt First come first
served" stands at the goal of my late
ambition.
My brief P. M.-ship has not been un-
productive of results. That NJ. Z
preacher has left his charge, and New
Y ork woman is hunting him. Twenty
'ix divorces stare our next court in the
ace, and, through my brief official Ca
'eer, nine men walk on crutches, and
'our women have spoiled faces.
And 1? Why, my Uranium is hair
ess, and 1 dare not go back to Skull
own on pain of death.
My ambition is satiated now, and /
nave discharged that motto, First
,ome first served" 1t don't work in
I wouldn't be P. NJ. again for all the
DanZine in the world