The Andrew County Republican. [volume] (Savannah, Mo.) 1871-1876, 1872-03-13
HUM oRouS.

A weight-'Wby is it, husband, tha
whenever you send for pound of tea o
coffee to the grocery man it falls severa
ounces shOrt?' ''Oh, its just weight h'
has,"
SIT is a pleasing thing to reflect upon,
says Dickens, ''and furnishes complet
al degeneration OF the human species, tina
every baby born in the world Is finer on
than the last"
The TOpER's TIME-TABLK.-7 AM, Ev'
Opener; s. Appetizer; 0, Digester; 10
Beautifer; IL, Big Reposer; - NJ, Slim
uIator; PM, Ante Lunch 2, Settler; 8
Warmer; A, Sympathizer 5, social Drink
6, Invigorator Z, Straight Out; s, Chi
Chat o, Fancy Drink; 10, Entire Acte
IL, Sparkler II, Rouser; A NJ, Nigh
Cap.
Robert Collyer tells good story abOu
| Fred Douglass. That unfortunate gentle
man was travelling one gusty night on :
Sound steamer, and failed to get berth
Tucked up in as comfortable corner on tn,
deck as he could secure, he was pitied BY
one of the officers of the steamer, wh(
thought that he might perhaps de for hin
some little kindness, as he was not very
black after all. So he went up to him, and
with meaning look in his eve, touched hin
and inquired "Indian?" Douglass under
stood him perfectly. Mr.. Collyer said ht
feared he would have yielded to the tempta
tion and said "Yes." On the contrary
Fred Douglass said, "No-nigger," and
rolling himself carefully up, made himself
as comfortable in his stormy corner as pos
sible.
There is a Methodist minister in Canads
named Scott, eloquent, witty and genial
There was Methodist minister in Canada
named Steer-the reverend William Steer.
1t is not fiattering MIR. Steer to say that he
was the worse speaker that ever attained to
''thirteenthly." 1t was during confer
ence meeting lat Sherbrooke, if the Table
Talker is not wrong) the several ministers
billeted in one house were discussing Mr.
Steers merits and eccentricities. Mr.. Scott
Law luXuriously on a sofa during the de.
bate. Finally one Of the disputants asked
him: "Brother Scott what do you think
about Brother Steers preaching?' p
'Think ?" replied Brother Scott, without
removing his clasped hands from under
his head; "why think Steer will never be-
come a Knox"
The Boston Bulletin has the following
valuable Inortuary list: "Methusalah died
of liver complaint. Lots wife of salt rheum.
Absalom fell wig-time to hairysipelas.
drop-sy. Nebuchadne zZar of too much veg
etable diet, leaving Mrs. N. a grass-widow.
John Bunyan. troubled by corus, took his
pill grimly, and progressed. Desdemona
also took a pillow. Samson was killed by
pillar, too. Montgolfier was (s)pilled out
o: balloon. Julius Caesar was (s)killed in
war. John Rogers died of an overdone
steak. Romeo died OF heart disease. Gov
ernor Huffman dyed his mustache. Arte-
~. Il
the Great was crushed by rock. Nap0l-
con the Less fell from a Sedan. Monte
Zuma died of taking arrOw-root. Louis
NVl. died under an amputation (of the
head). Old Parr died of paralysis. Joe
Miller OF q ght tumor. Rod Jacket diod
ofa whooping cough. Tecumseh Of scalp
disease"
How OUR OFFICERS EARNED PROMO
TIoN.-A party OF "Od vets" were telling
tall stories and among them was the follow
lowing by Fritz:
Al will tell you something about that,
boys. When joined the cavalry had not
been long in this country. and didn't un-
derstand much English. We were sent up
in the Valley, and at the battle of Winches.
ter we were ordered to charge battery.
Well, the captain gave the order to charge,
and away we went in fine style. The John
MES opened on us with grape and canister.
many horse tumbled over, and plenty of
saddles were emptied. That didn't make
any difference; we went straight ahead.
the captain gave the order to re-
treat. The whole company turned and
went back as fast as they could, except me.
You see, l didn't understand the order, SO
kept on and charged right In among them:
and, by Joe, / captured the whole bat
terry and brought it of safe myself. Now,
I'll tell you how 1t turned out. The next
day the captain was made mel or, the first
lieutenant was made captaia, and"
"Well, what did they do for you ?" in.
quired listener.
"Wby, they put me in the guard house
because / ,oout,inf tell a lie!
DID NOT WEAR SoCKs-Quite good sto-
ry is going the rOurds of Sacramento on the
subject OF socks. There is quite number
ot eccentric statesmen in Sacramento, and
among other eccentricities it was firmly be-
Iieved that one OF these scorned the idea OF
wearing c'ean socks. To elucidate this mo-
mentOus question was the desire of several
fellow statesmen. So two grave and rever-
end seignOrs came together and discussed
the question. The first, whom for brevify's
sake we will call Smith, affirmed that Jones
the statesman), did not wear socks, while
Brown declared that, having slept with
Jones, he knew that he wore socks. The
lpshot was that $50 piece was put up by
Brown and Smith respectively, and deposit
ed in the hands of one of the sergeants-at-
arms. Now, Brown was in doubt on the
80 he went to Jones and stated
the issue. "By George" reclied Jones,
g you're q goner. l don't wear socks"
This caused the confident Brown to 20
down in his boots but quickly rallying,
he said: well, now, l can't afford to lose
hat twenty dollars. Tell you what III do
III 90 in with you, and we III divide the
coin." Jones agreed, and the pair went up
On the top of the dome, where Brown drew
Dff one boot and drew of a sock Jones
drew off one boot and encased his horny
loot in the sock, and botn des cended to the
lower regions. Jones quietly went to his
desk and in an instant was immersed in the
interests of his constituents. Brown went
TO Smith and suggested that after adjourn
ment, Jones be Interviewed on the sock
question. Smith agreed, and the Sergeant
alarms was chosen as referee. After ad-
iournmcnt, the qusrtette hied themselves off
to committee room, and, innocent-like,
Brown informed Jones OF the terms of the
wager, and Jones was requested to show
foot. Suddenly he cast an anxious look at
the smiling Brown and turned pale. He
had forgotten upon which foot he had placed
the sock! With well feigned groan of an
guish, he trusted to luck and presented the
right boot, which the Sergeant-at-arms
quickly pulled of, and. 10 and behold there
was nary sock upon 1t! The wrong foot,
by George!" exclaimed the owner Of the
boot. Brown retired discounted, and the
quartette were shortly afterward seen at
Swimley's, taking it straight. Jones retains
the SOCK as niementO, and to jog his men,
nm m ltruRr, .oy4