The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-05-03
Humorous.
A country paper recently advertised
"black stockings of all colors."

heir to an estate in Germany valued at
$4,000, 900. The fall didn't hurt him.
Why does widow feel her bereave-
ment less when she wears cor5ets? Be-
cause then she's solaced.
A Minnesota paper offers bar of soap
to every subscriber who pays 81 in ad-
vance for that paper.
A Texas editor contends that mem.
Der of Congress from that State has a
right to his seat because he bought it,"
The phrase commonly used in calling
dogs has induced the japanese to be.
lieve that "come here" Is the English
name for that animal.
A man arrived the other day in st.
Louis from Chicago who was actually
not a "sufferer." He excited quite an
interest.
A man escaped going to State Pris-
on because it was proved that the doc
tor gave him so much iron it made him
steel.
The Memphis police tumbled sup
posed drunken man into cart and
dumped him at the station-house. They
found he was only dead.
A Gate City lawyer included in his
bill against his client: "To waking up
in the night and thinking about your
case, ,S5.'
California, in order to avoid all sectar-
ian squabbles, has decreed that "Relig-
ion shall neither be taught nor practiced
in her public Schools"
The entire assets of recent bank
rupt were nine children; his creditors
resolved to act magnanimously and let
him keep them.
When company respond to a senti-
ment in Nebraska, they give hearty
"three cheers, big injun, elephant, and
shanghai"
Geo. Francis Train now believes that
he won't be elected President. This is
the first time he ever agreed with the
public.
A Danbury poet named Button has
written poem; the first line reads: 81
am sitting alone on an islet." Pretty
good for Button.
A would. d.be suicide in Maine is going
to sue the apothecary, who sold him
arrow-root instead of arsenic, for obtain
ing money on false pretences.
An eagle in Barlow county, Georgia,
scooped up a Thomas cat In his talons
the other day. The Thomas cat had
some talons himself, and the bird of
freedom had to drop him.
A forlorn widower in Ithaca, New
York had the words "She's in Heaven"
cut on the tombstone of his deceased
wife, and below the saving clause, 81
hope"
Lucky escape-A lady, aged 9S, lately
fell down stairs and broke her arm.
Luckily it has been mended again. At
one time fears were entertained lest she
should have been cripple for life!
A Nevada saloon-keeper advertises
that although the rose may lose its frag-
ance and the shamrock wither, his IL
o'clock lunches in their excellence shall
endure forever.
In a list of claims presented to the ref.
erees in New Hampshire town recent.
ly was this: "For time spent in Wilton
in coaxing Mr.. - to go home when
drunk, So"
A fashionable clergyman in Chicago
warns the sinners of his congregation
that if they don't repent they will go
to the "place of certain uneasiness."
Certainly mild way of putting it.
A Richmond paper lately had tits
| statement: "The grand Jury met yester-
day and made one indictment-the
name of the party (Mr. Lohnman) we
have been requested to withhold for the
present.
How 10 boil potatoes. Buy potatoes.
| If you prefer it, you can grow them,
but the process is longer and more ex-
pensive, especially if you don't pay
your grocer. Procure something to boil
them in. Boil them. in it.
Thompson is not going to do anything
more in conundrums. He recently ask
ed his wife the difference between his
head and hogshead, and she said there
was none. He says that is not the right
answer.
The youth who stole watch and
returned it to the owner, who promised
"no questions asked" is in jail. The
owner was as good as his word, he ar
rested the youth without asking any
questions.
The Cleveland Leader thus describes
the musical result of a sudden change
in the weather in that city: "a great
many individuals who can't read notes,
are now heard twanging the light
catarrh, and sounding the bugle."
A Boston girl being asked If she had
not oncc peen ehSaSeu w party by
the name of" Jackson, who was at thu
time Harvard student, languidly r.
piled, 81 remember the circumstance
perfectly, but | am not certain aboul
the name"
An ill-natured contemporary says
that Pennsylvania should shake in her
shoes, at the news of the discovery OF
coal in Rhode Island; for, should the
. | thinlY
lie the whole state, the produce would
be as much as seven bushels.
A schoolmstress, while taking down
the names and ages of her pupils, and
the names of their parents, at the
beginning of the term, asked one little
fellow. 'fWhat is your fathers name?"
, sob! you needn't take down his namc;
, he's too old to go to schoolto woman
was the reply.
t A New York farmer laughed when
q his prudent wife advised him not To
smoke on load of hay. He footed it
. home that night with his hair singed
a most of his garments prey to the de.
. vouring elements, and the iron work of
the wagon in potato sack and then his
wife laughed.
, The Danbury Ne,cS moralizes thus of
, the peacock: Vocally the peacock needs
4 cultivation, but in attire it cannot be
: improved upon. When it puts up its
awning and sails around the yard there
|, is comfort in looking at it that is not
, experienced in looking at a woman.
!. This is probably because the plumage
is inherited
4; The Norrsitown "Herald" objects &c
r the following statement in Williams
:, port paper: "Mr. John Straw, of Up
J per Fairfield township, laid very large
o egg on our table this morning as speci
r men of what the hens Of that township
\ objecting are that such action on the
= part of human beings is discouragine
y to the hens.