The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-03-01
Miscellaneous.
Humors of The Pension Office.

Since 1 wrote last I've been to Wash
ington. It's a great place. | went
down to sec Mr.. Buncombe, the Pen
sion Agent, and | thinl; perhaps fpd
stayed there six months might have
seen his aunt, but l hadn't the time, 50
gave it up.
I've been trying for ten years to get
a pension out Of the United States for
an old lady, just turned "a, whose son
was killed during the late unpleasant
ness, leaving her without cent in the
world-without any support whatever.
Tie routine through which this old
lady and have passed is long, not to
say everlasting, and if we should live
until she got the money, we would be
worse than the Wandering Jew for age,
and could discount Methuselah as easy
as Winking.
The simple story of the claim is that
the woman had son who supported
her. He was ass enough to be patriot
ic, enlisted in the navy, died in service
and left few dollars, back dues, which
we're duly paid his mother. OF all this
fullest proof was long since sent on.
Now, then, for the "gentlemanly"
clerks.
About two years after the claim is
presented the Department writes a let
ter TO the mother and asks:
/ What's you real name?
,. Are you sure you amt lying"
3. What was your sons name?
+. Are you sure he was boy?
5. Where did he die?
G. How do you know?
:. Was he married?
S. Ifyes, did he have children; If
no, how can you swear he hasn't?
8. You say you are widow. Have
you any thought of remarrying, and
arc you prepared 10 say you don't oc
casionally ilrt, or wouldn't if you had
a chance?
10. Remember the Ninth Command
ment, and send your answer to this
Department.
IL. Have your aft lavits written in
red ink, and signed by a notary public,
with evidences of moral character, and
Il certificate Of birth.
Well, all this is done just as the De-
partment desires, and sent on.
Months pass on.
Grand Juries even come and 60
Occasionally men are convicted and
women hung.
Children are born and events crowd
the record.
Time succeeds time, and the widow
starves or begs as best she can, when,
to her intense delight, a huge official
letter comes, and she opens it to find
money? Not much, butanother string
of questions.
/. Are you sure you are the mother
ofthat man?
>. Couldn't he have been changed by
the nurse, and if so what guarantee has
this department that after you have
spent the money the nurse won't di
NulSS thC IuctSi ulu tlC lCtll iIiOlllIl uC'
mand her dues?
8. Who saw him die? If his com.
rades, send on their atfidavits with Ger.
tifcates in duplication of his baptism
and first communion; if no one, then
with what cheek do you assert that he
ever died at all?
4. What ticket did your son, if he
was your son, vote? Ifany,say what ;
ifnot, say what he would have voted il
he had voted.
3. What use can eight dollars a
month be to you, anyhow" If none,
what do you ask for it for; if much,
how can you afford all this corresponds
ence and notarial fees?
G. DO you know any mother who got
pension, and if so, did she put you up
to this application Ifyes, aren't you
ashamed of yourself; mo, how came
you to think of it"
7. Was your son, if he was your son
hopefully pious, and if so, how much
so?
s. What do you think Of female suf
frage, and are you prepared to stand
per cent q month on your pension
when you get it?
OF course the proper answers were
sent to these, and letter after letter fol
lowed them. In the meantime, the ole
lady grew older, Her goods and chat
ties were sold for rent and groceries
her only ring was pawned, her friends
were exhausted, aul she hung hopeful
ly on the delusion that something
would turn up, and it did. Twas an
other big letter, and this is what i
| said: