The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-10-29
Jim BIaine's Wonderful Story,
by MARK TWAIN.

ring story of his grandfather's old ram !;
but they always added that must not
mention the matter unless Jim was drunk
at the time-.just comfortably and sociably
drunk. They kept this up until my GU
riosity was on the rack to hear the story
| got to haunting Blaine but it was no use.
He was often moderately, but never sat
isfactorily drunk. never watched mans
condition with such absorbing interest,
such anxious solicitude /; l never pined so
to see man uncompromisingly drunk be-
fore. AT last one evening hurried to his
cabin, for / learned that this time his sit
uation was such that even the most fas-
tidious could find no fault with it. He
was TRANQUILITY, serenely, symmetrically
drunk-not hiccup to mar his voice, not
cloud upon his brain thick enough to OBJ
scure his memory. AS entered, he was
sitting upon an empty powder keg, with
clay pipe in one hand and the other raised
to command silence. His face was round,
red, and very serious his throat was bare
and his hair tumbled in general appear
ance and costume, he was stalwart miner
of the period. On the pine table stood
candle, and its dim light revealed the
boys" sitting here and there on hunks,
candle-boxes, powder-kegs etc. They
said;
"Sh Don't speak he's going to COM
mence." / found a seat at once, and Jim
began:
81 don't reckon them times will ever
come again. There never was more bull
lier old ram than what he was. GIandfa-
ther fetched him from Illinois, got him of
man named Yates-Bill Yates may be
you might have heard of him; his father
was deacon-Baptist- and he was rust
Ter, too a man had to get up ruther early
to get the start of old Thankful Yates !; it
was him that put the Greens up to jining
teams with my grandfather when he moved
West. Seth Green was probably the pick
of the flock. He married Wilkerson--
Sarah Wilkerson-good cretur she was
one of the likeliest heifers that ever was
raised in old Stoddard, everybody said that
knowed her. She could heft bar'l of
-four as easy as can fiirt q fapjack.--
And spin? Don't mention it Inpepend-
ent? Humph When Sile Hawkins came
browsing round her, sh let him know
that for all his tin he couldn't trot in har-
ness alongside of her. You see, Sile Haw-
kins--no, it warn't Sile Hawkins, after all;
it was galoot by the name of Filkins-I
disremember his first name---but he was q
trump-oome into pra'r meeting drunk one
night, hooraying for Nixon becus he
thought it was primary and old Deacon
Ferguson up and scooted him through the
window, and he lit on old Miss Jefferson's
head--poor old filly. She was good soul
had glass eye, and used to lend it to
Miss Wagner, that hadn't any, to receive
company in. 1t warn't big enough, and
when Miss Wagner warn't noticing, it
would get twisted around in the socket,
and look up, maybe, or out to one side and
every which way, while t'other was look
ing as straight ahead as a glass. Grown
people didn't mind it, but it most always
made the children cry, it was SO sort of
scary. She tried packing it in raw cotton,
but it wouldn't work, somehow; tho cot
ton would get loose and stick out, and look
30 kind of awful that the children couldn't
standit no way. She was always dropping
it out, and turning up her old dead-lig
on the company empty and making them
uncomfortable, becuz she never could tell
when it popped out, being blind ON that
side, you see. So, somebody would have
to hunch her, aud say, Your game eye
hez fetched loose, Miss Wagner, DEAR and
then all them would have to sit and wait
till she jammed 1t in again--wrong side
before as general thing and green as a
birds egg, being bashful cretur and easy
sot back before company, But being the
wrong side before warn't much difference
any way becuz her own eye was sky blue,
and the glass one was yaller on the front
side, so whichever way she turned it, it
didn't match nohow. Old Miss Wagner
was considerable ON the borrow, she was
When she had a quilting or Dorcas siety
at her house, she gen'ally borrowed Miss
Higgins wooden leg to stump around on
it was considerably shorter than her other
pin, but much she minded that. She said
she couldn't abide crutches when she had
company, becuz they were SO slow. When
she had company, and things had to be
done, she wanted TO get up and hump her
self She was as bald as judge, and SO
she had to borrow Miss Jacobs wig-Miss
Jacobs was the coffin peddler's wife--a