The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1872-02-16
= uHMOROux. sssis

A c0r1ilefs Jury IN MINNESOTA re-
centlyldaelaied a nlan to have beeil
severely frozen TO death. = r,st !
In Virginia. recently, a prisoner, wlio
| hnd been,leadthrce months, WIS grant
ed a pardon. 3a pa
H. Sllmlry journals are discussing the
question: "Cm We cultivate rlin?a
4 Dunbtfil,s says the New York PeSi,
''but we can raise thunder" Y
"Pab," said a bright-laired boy,
show could the military fly from the
field of battle when they Oily had a
plume apiece. and both wings Of the
army were thrown into great dlsor-
der! Say, papa, how could they fly ~
A Western e,litor reports money
''close. but not close enough to be
reached. I
i. 4 boy who had hearl of sailors hcav-
ing mp anchors, wanted to know ii it
was seasickncss that made them do it.
Headache can be cured by filling the
mouth full of ice-wlter, and sitting Oh
the stove till the water boiIs. This IL
what is known among nlellcal men as
q counter irritant.
A Michigan doctor, who was arrest.
ell because hispatient died. has been
acquitted OH the ground that he dbl
the best he colld, giving all the niedl-
Gins of which he knew the names.
An exchange tslls that at s'twenty
years Of age LELAND Stanford arrived
In California with only one shirt to his
back. Since then by close attention
to business, he has accumulated over
ten Millions" What the deuce can q
man want with ten million shirts Y"
4 bevy Of Schenectady girls have.
agreed to let their waists expand, and
as u consequence, cor$ets there are
slow sale. They discard hoop-skirts
also, and dress 70 as to show much
ankle--all 0f which Il sensible. q /, Fl
1t Is reported that the Postmaster
General, with a view of sigllalizing his
career III Office, intends flavoring the
adhesive matter Of postage stamps
With the various popular extracts.
"Are sisters Sal and Nancy resources.
pa:" "No, my son, why do you ask
that question:" Because | heard.
uncle Josh say ifyou would husband
your resources you would get along %.
great deal better than you do, that's
NIL, pa" Pa plunges into state Of
intense reflection.
A London husband pounding his
wife was attacked 70 fiergely by the,
family cat, that the woman had to,
take her off to save his life.
"What would YOU do If mamma.
should die?" asked lady withwhoni
we have the honor of an intimate ac--
quaintance, Of little three-year-0ld.
girl that we wouldn't take a hundred
dollars for. ''Well, nlamIna,n WAS.
the melancholy response, II 'spose I
should have to spank myself!n
A little boy embodied his thoughts,
on theology In words thus Il don't
see how the devil came to turn out SO
bad, when there was no other devil to
put him up to it,"
The last time Joe Jefferson was In
st. Louis, Judge Joseph Gillespie was
prevailed upon to 90 and see rip
Van Vinkle." This was the first play
the Judge hsd ever Witnessed. When
asked what he thought about it, he re- .
piled: ''IIem hem confounded ridi-
culous. The idea Of a poor Dutch wo-.
man over the wash-tub with diamond
rings on her fingers"
/ A lady says the first time she was ,
kissed she felt like q tub of butter.
swimming in honey, cologne, nutmegs
and cranberries. She felt a. if some
thing was running through her nerves
on feet Of diamonds, escorted by sew.
eEll little Cupids in clmriots drawn by
angels, shaded with holleysuckels, and
the whole spread with melted rain
bows.
sinister, how do you sell sugar to-.
day9" ''Only twenty cents a pound,
SIR" Cant give it. Ill drink my
coffee without sugar, and kiss my wife
for sweetening. Good day, SIR"
Good day. When You get tired Of
that kind Of sweetening call round
agaln.'' II will" lie called next
day.
AT negro camp-meeting the color
ed preacher said: II tell you, blnd-,
ded bredren, dat the debblc Is q big
hog, an one of these days he'll come
along and root you all out" An old
negro In one of the anxious pews,
hearing this, raised himself from the
straw, and clasping his hands, exclaiin-
ed in the agony Of his tears, '.Ring
him, Lord! ring him.''
An amusing cOIloqly came Off at q
supper table on board Of one, of our
Mississippi steamboats,, between q Chi
cago exquisite, reking with oil and
cologne, who was cllrsing the walters.
assuming consequential airs, and %.
raw Jonathan seated by his side, dress
ed in hOmespun. Tnrning to his yul-
gar friend, the former pOintel with
kis jeweled finger, and said: 'Buttah,
sar!'' Eyes, Fsee tbs, 7 coolly repli-
ed Jonathan. "Buttah, sar, | say,'F
fierCelY repeated the dandy. ''Yes,
sir3 I Know It. very good and first
class article. |" .sIsuttah, | tell yOn,"
tllundered the dandy III still loilder
tones, as ifhe would annlhilate him.
"Well, gosh, all Jerusalem, what Of
its" now yelled the down-Eastsr,
bis dander up In turn. ''You don't
thing It00k It for lard, do YOU? Yon
must be All everlasting darn fool, and
darn yon, II you don't shnt4 mp your
jaw Ill butter my fists and cram them
down your internal throat. II you
don't hush Ill get mad now do you
llear?" fs,,, erq
x ns.J