The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-12-06
RATES. OF ADVERTISING.
Humorous.

| =
L-L--L --
A CHICAGO poet begins an apostrophe
to the ocean with "Prodigiou5 damp
ness ~
| WHEN a bootmaker commences to
make boot the first thing he uses Is
the last. g
Mrs. JOHN BAGGs, of Omaha, has
left Mr.. John Baggs, taking the money
| bags, and leaving John to hold the lit
tie empty Baggs.
A BosToN weather itemizer says:
| "The sun shone like pair of clerical
pants, and the air was as clear as the
pockets therein"
A POLITICAL opponent mentions an
Iowa paper as ''being printed on
cheese press, with shoe pegs for
type.'
The Chicago Tines asks, "How can
we escape fire ?" The New York Com
mercial answers, "The Gospel offers
you every encouragement"
| IT was wittily, but somewhat ungal-
| lantly said that woman is the very
reverse Of her mirror-the one reflects
without talking, and the other talks
without rejecting.
THEODORE Hook was asked to re-
view book called "Three Words to
the Drunkard." "Oh, my dear fellow,
that will do in three words, Pass the
bottle y y
THERE is a town out West called
Random. A resident of the place be-
ing asked where he lived said he lived
at Random. He was taken up as a va
grant.
THE Louisville Courier-JournA po.
etically remarks: "In Montgomery,
Alabama, the other day, four negroes
got on spree one took out his little
jackknife, and now there ain't but
| three"
A MICHIGAN woman recently put
her infant child in tub OF water, then
stuffed a feather.bed over ii, and sur
| mounted the whole with fiErelf. The
child smothered with great facili
ty.
LEVI BROWN, of Poygan,} Michi
gan, thought he could hold a play.
full young bull by the tail but his wild
ow now says ''he could never stick
to anything ten minutes in his
life"
AN editor in the upper end OF the
State says 1--WE eXpend $500, 100000
yearly for drinking" And his paper
has only a circulation of 200 copies,
| too. We don't see any use in q man
exaggerating that way, even if he is an
| editor.
A COMPANY started in Middletown
for the manufacture of odorless rubber
goods is rapidly approaching bank
ruptcy, which shows how impossible
it is to make goods without
scent.
| "WHO was the meekest man, my
son ?" said the superintendent of
boys bible class in this State. "Moses,
SIR" Every well, my boy; and who
was the meekest woman ?" "Please,
sir, there never was no meekest wo-
| man."
A WESTERN editor kindly says that
a politician with whom he does not
agree was made about two days after
the old contract for brains had expired,
and before the new one was made.
1T requires more delicacy of touch, a
better acquaintance with the inner
emotions of the heart, and grander pa
thos of sentiment to make a declara-
ton of love than il does TO put up
stove.
THE Connecticut agriculturist who
last week found five dollar gold piece
in the crop of one Of his chickens re.
profitable crop ever produced on his
farm.
SAINT LOUIS had him this time
Name, Hotchins F.; occupation, physi.
clan age, one hundred and forty;
cause of death, smallpox. Oldest
Freemason no spectacles /; constant
voter from his youth upwards.
Mr.. HOLLOWAY, the patent bill DO.
tentate, is about to build in England at
cost of nearly 200, 900 an Insane asy-
lum presumably to show his gratitud,
to the class from whom most of his for.
tune was derived.
A WESTERN paper states that Terre
Haute boy of tender years and heart
, has drowned seventeen kittens, tied
| pans to the tails of nine dogs, brushed
his fathers new silk hat against tho
grain, and blown up pet canary with
fire cracker in the last month, and
still his fond mother intends him for
) the pulpit.
A MISSOURI journalist having a..
serted that Louisville scribe had Just
discovered that he could wag his left
Q ear, the latter retorts that the Missouri
man has his aural appendages under
such control as to be able to fan him,
self with them.
A BARBER in Titusville, while cut
ting the hair of rural customer, ran
I; his shears against some hard substance,
, which proved to be milestone. The
old farmer said he "had missed tina I
4 milestone ever since haymaking time,
= last July, andshad looked all over a ten
'' acre lot for it, but now he remembered
G sticking it up over his ear.'
{ A LITTLE girl, when her fathers Ia.
bic was honored with the presence OF
@ an esteemed friend, began talking very
= earnestly at the firstpause in heconvt r.
% sation. Her father checked her rather
p sharply, saying, "Why is it that you
always talk 50 much "Iv We dot some
sin to say" was the innocent re
l. ply.
of yyesrpey o5,tor ro,atas tbat h,
er once stopped at a restaurant In Wash
of ington, and noticing that the waiter
N was uncommonly sober, asked him
- he was sick. YES, very curtly. %.
90 is" "What's the matter ?' "Why
to sir, Washin'ton's the wus place ever
see. When it's dry you can't see wher,
,e- you're gwlne, and when it's wet yo
can't gO.'
RHODE ISLAND is indulging In som
dangerous sport. 1t has got big ha
81 loon at Providence, and the peopl
as think it great fun TO go up, so that the
ar- can see the whole state at a glauce,
ir. Now it is not necessary for a tall ma
49, to go up in a balloon 10 do that, and Il
short ones might get boosted;" al
We moreover, suppose the balloon, whi
tied down, should tear the little sta
up by the root and carry it off, the
would be three eleeortal vot
>, lost.
ONcp oo a tima Mt tho funeral Of