The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-11-26
EuMo8ous ITEMS

s9s If you want to know whether tree
is hollow or not, AK it,
Gdg-The worst kind of education-To be
brought mp by policeman.
G5g- The next great turf event-The race
between nightmare and clothes-horse.
S8 There are two things in this world
that are not safe to tri6e with-a woman's
opinions and the business end of wasp.
% What's the difference between truth
and eggsP "Truth crushed to earth will
rise again" Eggs won't.
G1 A negro on being examined, was
asked if his master was Christian "No,
Sir he's IA member of Congress-
Cy-A colored lady, boasting, the other
day of the pVogress made by her son in
arithmetic, exultingly said, "He is in the
modification table,
0B An Irish paper says that: "In the
absence of both editors, the publishers
have succeeded in securing the services of
a gentleman to edit the paper this week"
csy Call lady " chicken" and ten
to one she will be angry with you. Tell
her she is no chicken" and twenty to
one she will be more angry still.
GSS Spinks never used to have any mind
of his own, but since he has been married
his wife has giving him so many pieces of
hers that he now has a very respectable
mental endowment
GB""What are you doing there, you ras-
calP "Merely taking cold, Sir" &C. 1t
looks to me as if you were stealing ice.'
Well-yes-perhaps it will bear that
construction"
"a" A tipsy fellow, who mistook globe
lamp with letters on it for the queen of
night, exclaimed: "I will be blest if some
body haint stuck an advertisement on the
moon"
eB An eccentric old fellow, who lives
alongside of graveyard, was asked if it
was not an unpleasant location. "No,"
said he, Il never jined place 81 in all my
life with a set Of neighbors that minded
their business so stiddy as they do"
GB-"I say, don't you know who that
is ?''
emo"
"Why, what fool you are it's the
celebrated Jones'"
What's he celebrated about, then ?''
"Well, I'm blessed if know"
The other Sunday the following was
posted up in the lobby of the Cambridge
Washington county, N Y, Presbyterian
Church: "Notice-The person who stole
Songs of the Sanctuary from seat No. 80
should improve the opportunity of singing
them here, as he will have no occasion to
sing them hereafter"
GSS'- 4 minister once told Wendell Philips
that if his business in life was to save the
negroes he ought to 60 south where they
were and do it. "That is worth thinking
of" replied Philips; and "what is your
business in life ?'' "To save men from
hell" replied the minister. "Then go
there and attend to your business" replied
Mr.. Philips.
eB-An absent-minded man entered a
Troy shoe store the other day, and wanted
his boy measured for pair of shoes.
"But where's the boy ?" said the dealer
"Thunder ~ said the man, "I've left
the boy at home. I'll go and bring him."
and off he started for his house six blocks
away.
eB-A poor Irishman, who was on his
death bed and who did not seem recon-
ciled to the long journey he was going to
take, was kindly consoled by good-na-
tured friend with the commonplace reflec-
tion that we must all die once.
"Why, my dear, now," answered the
sick man, "that is the very thing that vex-
es me +; if / could die half-a-dozen times,
should not mind il"
eB-At public table the other day, two
gentlemen got into vehement dispute
upon asubject of which they were profound
ly ignorant. A large dog, whose slumbers
on the hearth were disturbed by the alter
cation, rose up, and began to bark furious
ly. "Hold your tongue, you BRUTE" said
an old gentleman, who had been quietly
slipping his wine, "you no more about it
than they do" The table was instantly in
a roar, and the brawlers were abashed.
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IN