Nashville union and American. [volume] (Nashville, Tenn.) 1868-1875, 1872-04-20
A CURTAIN LECTURE.
BY FIDDLEsTIcKs.

WMcD Immediately precede the dawn, and
It IS remarkable fact that it is at that time
most men die. 1t is then the spirit enjoys
most active felicity and borrows-so to
speak-eelestial plumage, and mounts on
seraphs' wings toward heaven. Time and
space have no significance for us them.
! Our perceptive faculties are sublimed to ithe
highest point, and our intelligence becomes
go0like. Who is it, that having been
frivolously awakened from an elysium like
this, would not execrate the cause?
Well, if this was not precisely my condi-
ton few mornings back, it appropriated
1t pretty closely. l imagined that 1 was
floating through space; planets, sa-
milky way whirled past me with
q velocity equal to that with which
the earth travels around the sun: and that
speed is not to be sneezed at, allow me to
observe, for astronomers assure us that the
ratio is thousand miles per minute. OBJ
serving a Kissing orb Of immense magni-
tude, with rings encircling it, which Judged
to be Saturn, approaching me, lodged my
head to escape it, when loi one of its belts
collided with my nose, and the orb rolled
over me, crushing me to a frightful extent,
so that awoke in terror, screaming, 81 am
jelly!" IT'S true that the illusion of my
magnificent dream was broken; but what,
think you, was the bona Jfde condition of
things while was enjoying such felicity
among the stars?
Why, Mrs. Fiddlesticks had affectionately
taken it into her head to commence a little
game of sledge hammer with her elbow on
my proboscis, with The view as she express
ed it, ''of waking me out Of horrible snor-
! ing fit, which lkened me to dog, and had
rendered her existence miserable for the
previous half hour" This innocent amuse-
ment on her part win probably account for
| the phenomenon of my imagining that the
orb had crushed me; for certainly, cause and
effect followed each other so rapidly that |
can attribute it to nothing else. Now I
| don't believe one word of what my wife
| has said in reference to my making a hog
Of myself by snoring because | never snore;
and what is more, / verify believe that
she perpetrated this indignity on me through
sheer malice, as you will have an opportuni-
ty of Judging.
"Mr. Fiddlesticks," said she.
"What is it, love?" l responded.
"You can't fool me any longer with your
cajolery. l know all about your secret do
ings."
"Goodness gracious, what's the matter
now?"
"Where did you get that umbrella which
you brought home last night?"
"Why, l borrowed it."
"What simpleton you take me for, to
be sure. Pray from whom did you borrow
it, sir?"
"Well, as il was raining, just slept into
Mrs. Jones', the confectioner, and she lent
it to me-"
81 thought as much, sir. Her candy is
very nice, amt it, Mr. Fiddlesticks?"
81 should say So"
"And her jellies are so delicious that you
pine for them in your Sleep"
"Well, don't profess to be a much of a
judge ofjellies."
"Not you, Mr.. Fiddlesticks! You are too
modest by half. "Now, tell me candidly,
don't you prefer Mrs. Jones' candies and
ellies to those of your own lawful wife?"
81 declare, 1 cant see what object you
have in asking such questions"
"YoU can't, But such unblushing eff
frontery well becomes you, Mr.. Fiddlesticks.
1t does not look well for married man to
be visiting Mrs. Jones so often"
"Nonsense, my dear!"
"Don't call me dear. Deer wear h orns
have none!"
81 am not quite satisfied about that"
l answered, in suppressed VOICE.
"What's that you say, sir? Speak out,
and don't be snivelling!'
81 can't understand you, Mrs. Fiddle
sticks"
$50, you have got a weakness for ladies'
rings and luscious females sir.''
81 declare can't comprehend you; you
puzzle me more and more"
r-ila
sticks, and you will be puzzled a great deal
more before get through with you.
have your infamous letter in my posses
sion."
"What letter DO you allude to, madam?'
boldly demanded in voice of injured in
nocence.
"There it is, sir,' said she, drawing a
a sheet of letter-paper from beneath her
pillow, on which were pasted seVerel scraps
of a memorandum that had torn up two
evenings before. The memorandum in
question was one that had copied from an
almanac fifty years old, and l intended to
keep it as a relic on account of its peculiar
dictiOn and the period to which it referred.
The fellow that wrote it was very fond Of
behring's. 1t reads thus: 81 love female
herring at all times; she is luscious. Try one
tonight; she is charming" But Judge my
CONSERVATION when l read my wife's YER
sion Of it. She had so transposed the frag-
ments and cunningly adapted them to each
other to suit her own views that the very
same words now read: 81 love lucious fe-
male at all times. She's charming. Try
on her ring tonight"
vainly exhausted all my eloquence TO
explain the mistake she had committed; but,
like Rachel, she would not be comforted.
"You are precious husband, Mr.. Fid-
dlesticks.."
81 try to do the best 1 can under all cir
cumstances. What more could you wish
for?'
'You don't come up to the mark, by a
long shot, Mr.. Fiddlesticks. There is one
element which your character sadly lacks"
"What is that, my loVe?"
Common sense, Mr.. Fiddlesticks."
"All persons are not endowed alike, but
hope that L possess an average share of
that rare commodity"
"No you don't, sir. If you possessed the
first particle of it you would not be writing
so much ridiculous stuff"
81 write merely to keep my intellectual
powers from rusting, and hope that you
will not damp the aTdor of my imagination
by Directing to my contributing something
IN small way TO the literature OF the day.,
"Fiddlesticks," said she, "dry up. You
are one of the poorest specimens
of humanity that ever fell to the
lot of a respectable woman to be
cursed with. Your sensibilties are
as Obtuse as milestone, and your skin is
as hard as the hide of rhinoceros:" saying
which she affectionately ran her great toe
nail along the calf of my leg by way of ex-
emplification.
dwell, my DEAR" said l, wincing under
the pain she had inflicted, and be-
coming utterly Indifferent to the further
wrath which 1 might provoke by answer,
''yOu snore nights"
''Tis FALSE" she almost shrieked. "You
are nothing but a natural born brute, not
fit for the society of any refined woman;
but l shall have satisfaction for all of this.
/ shall apply tomorrow for divorcer'
Tomorrow will be the Sabbath, my love,
and courts will be closed; suppose you wait
till the day after, and l promise you that
l shall not thwart your scheme"
'You will not! You would, if you dared,
Fiddlesticks."
At this junctuTe the tre-bells rang briskly