The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-01-23
H U MoRous ITEMS.

E Why Is the first chicken of brood
| like..the main-mast of vessel Ans.--Be-
cause II is little forward of the main hatch.
| eB- Girls in olden times didn't behave
better than they do nowadays. Even the
Old Testament tells how Ruth followed the
| Boaz around.
eB little girl, three years and half
old, passing along the streets of Goshen, o
few days ago, with her ma, and observing
goose with yoke on, exclaimed, "Why
ma, there's goose with corsets on.''
tB $50 you are going to keep school pf
said a young lady to her maiden aunt.
"Well, for my part, sooner than do that,
l would marry widower withsnine chill
dren." az would prefer that myself" was
the quiet reply; "but where's the widow
erP"
tB Two young gentlemen, the one
named Woodcock, the other Fuller, walk
ed together, and happening to see an owl,
the latter said: That bird is very much
like Woodcock." You are quite wrong,n
said the first, for it's Fuller in the head,
Fuller in the eyes, and Fuller all over.'
eB- A negro waiter who had twice
awakened traveller to inform him that
breakfast was ready, and third time
broke his slumbers by attempting to pull
off the bedclothes, thus explained: I" Massa,
if you isn't gwine to git up, must hab de
sheet anyhow, 'caso dey'er waiting for de
table-clof2"
GB Britz was character and always in
litigation. One day while standing on q
street corner, constable approached him
and presented him apaper. "What is dat2'
said Britz. at is summons, sir. You
have been sued before Squire Purvis.n
"Vell, now just take it right back; does
my business NIT squire Gongile."
tB- A visitor of large experience in Sab
bath schools asked the children at a crowd
ed examination, "What was the sin of
the Pharisee ?" "Eatin camels, ma'am,''
said one of the smartest who had carried off
many prize. On further questioning the
child was justified by referring to tie pas
sage where the Pharisees were said to have
strained at a gnat and swallowed camel.
EB- A woman committed suicide by hang
ing herself to an apple tree. At the funer-
al q neighbor, noticing the sad appearance
of the husband, coDsoled him by saying
that he had met with a terrible loss.
eyes," said the husband, heaving sigh;
she must have kicked like thunder to shake
off six bushels of green apples that would
have been worth dollar a bushel when
they got ripe ~
tB- A little girl was standing at the de-
pot to see her father and a gentleman
friend OFF, when she suddenly observed to
her father, referring to his friend, who was
tall and lank, elf the cars run OFF the
track and any legs must be broken, hope
they'll be Mr.. H--'s." "What's that
for?' said the startled H.. because"
she added, artlessly, "Aunt May says you
have pair of spare legs. The s. all aboard'
of the conductor prevented an explanation.
C8r Everett and Story.-No more deli
cate compliments were ever exchanged in
public than those passed between Judge
Story and Edward Everett at public din
ner in Boston. The Judge, as voluntary
toast gave the following: " Fame follows
merit where Everett goes" The gentleman
thus delicately complimented arose and re-
piled with this equally felicitous impromptu:
"To whatever height judicial learning may
attain in this country, there will always
be one Story higher"
eB- An elderly gentleman, returning
home one Sunday, began to extol the mer-
its ofthe sermon to his son. The follow
ing short dialogue tells the story:
&C. have heard, Walter, said the old gen
tleman, Zone of the most delightful ser
mons ever delivered before Christian So
ciety. 1t carried me to the gates of heav-
en-
"Well, Think" replied Walter, "you'd
better have lodged in, for you never win
have such another chanoe.'
EE- In 1868 fat man rushed into the
Office of the well-known New Hamshirs
lawyer. and told him he was drafted.
"The deuce you are p said the lawyer,
at must be a strong man that could draft
a man of your size 9'
"Well, am drafted, and want you "
get me of, will pay you for 1t.
" Very we'll" and they proceeded to the