Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1872-02-29
Humorous Readings.

The nation that produces the mostmar-
riages- fascination.
A good hotel-keeper is a man that one
can always put up with.
'The longest drink | ever saw. " said su
old lady, "was an hour glass"
Which are the most melancholy trees
The aoeeping-willow and the pineapple,
Because horses are used TO reins, If
does not follow that they are Indifferent
to wet weather.
A Top had his nose pulled, and when
asked why he didn't resent il, said he
would next tweak.
A man struck match. but the match
did not resent it, on the contrary, it
lighted the mans pipe for him.
A speaking countenance" is usually
considered great thing, but how could
the possessor of one ever be silent?
A pupil in one Of our public schools
thinks that hunger and the rod are
just about the same thing, as they both
make boy holler.
Some young men prefer blue-eyed
maidens, and others prefer dark-eygd
ones. But Of late years the mon-eved
| girls have had the call over all Others.
AT a recent printers festival the fol
lowing toast was given :-''Women-
second only to the press in the dissent
nation of news"
Il want a Young Mans ComDQn5oz.
! said a spruce customer to a bookseller
Every well" said the bookseller, pick
ing up a volume, there's Ny ONLY
! Daughter"
The ladies may declaim as much a.
/ they please against intemperance, but
! they are themselves exceedingly addicted
to a social glass. when it is a looking
glass.
Don't you remember the next word
/ in your lesson It's the word after
! cheese. What comes after cheese z"
Mouse" triumphantly exclaimed the
puzzled pupil.
A member of the Louisiana Legisla-
| ture thinks that ''tbe only way to check
/ the growing tendency to self-murder il
/ to make suicide a capital Offence, pun
/ ishable with death"
! A Surrogate Of much experience says
/ he is inclined to the opinion that it is an
I imprudent thing for a man 10 let his
/ doctor know that he has put him down
/ for handsome legacy in his will
To test the understanding of a little
/ boy who was a witness in cause, be was
/ asked what they do to persons who
/ swear 10 a lie. They make policemen
/ OF them, answered the innocent child.
4 little waif that was picked up In
/ Baxter street the other morning, was
/ asked if he had a mother, and replied
/ 4 dunno, but | guess not, for when l
ran away this morning the old 'uns was
. quarrellin', and father had the Ratchet.
If Won want TO make that bird 1Y,
+ why don't you break its wings3" said
/ the veteran Corporal Podkins to Deacon
/ LOTUS. Are yOu fOOlY' exclaimed
/ the Deacon. "Nho ever heard Of max
ing anything fly by breaking its wings? e.
/ "When / was in the service, 4" responded
the Corporal, 1--WE always thought the
surest way to make an army fly was to
break both its wings"
its no use talking about smoking $
/ shortening life, said Joskins TO his wife,
| who was trying 10 induce him 10 give
up the practice There's my grand
| father now, who's smoked since he was
boy, and he's seventy-flve years old
/ THAT may be, replied Mrs. j., "but il
he hadn't smoked, he might have been
ninety"
/ "What time IS it, my dearf" asked a
wife Of her husband, whom she suspect
ed of being drunk, but who was doing
his best TO look sober. well, nv daT-
ling, I can't tell, cause, you see, there
are two hands on my watch, and each
points TO a different figure, and I don't
know which TO believe"
4 Maryland widow, living on the
/ Eastern Shore, so worked upon the feel
ings of a young man by threatening 10
marry him, that he turned over all his
/ property to her and enlisted in the navy
/ as a common sailor, where he thought
he'd be safe.
+ As q stout old lady got out OF a crowd
I ell omnibus, in front OF the Aston House.
7 the other day, she exclaimed, well
that's a relief, any how" To which the
( driver, ewing her ample proportions, re-
/ piled, so the 'osses thinks, mum"