Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1872-10-31
Humorous Readings.


JeNtIFy Iol CCVopeA-- 1IeCtioI CdI
ring.
Mocking birds-Lean chickens for din
ner. Il
An ink-you-bus fncubus)-A printers
kiss.
"Weight for the wagon'-As the fat
lady sang.
1t is said the washer-women are get
ting up wiring.
Are carriage-drivers ever troubled
with hacking cough ?"
The man who will suit you to hairs
breadth-The wig-maker.
Better known than the postman's
knock to some people-the inn-keeper's
tap.
Adams nativity has at last been dis
covered. He was according to Darwin,
a germ-man.
Pere Hyacinthe has now become a
pared Hyacinthe. Are not hyacinths
akin to tulips?
A beau is everything of a woman but
the sex, and nothing of man beside it.
FIELDING.
What is that from which, if you take
the whole, some will remain? The
word wholesome.
When a storm is brewing, who can
saywhether it will be all hail, mild ale,
or heavy wet.
The youth who is three parts drunk
can scarcely be said to be young man
of good parts.
A horse has been known to 90 through
the bars of a field correctly and without
missing an Oat.
The three stages of Darwinism are
now said to be, positive, tail COMPARE
tive, tailor; superlative, tailless!
When a ship "missss stay" does
she stay becalmed until they can be
found, or 90 down without EN-?
Could that mammoth loaf at the Gin
cinnati Exposition, weighing 235 pounds
be called heavy bread?
Has lawyer any right to join Joint
Stock Company Qimited)? Is not his
lieability always unlimited
Mr.. Cobb recently married Miss Webb.
He knew that they were meant to be
joined as soon as he spied her.
A Chicago dry goods dealer advertises
the most alarming sacrifice since the
days of Abraham and Isaac.
Theodore Hook was asked to review
'"Those Words to the Drunkard." Oh,
my dear fellow, that l will do in three
words; Pass the bottle
At a recent spiritual circle, the spirits
being asked if sickness was known in
the other world promptly wrapped in
reply, "chOlera-in-phantom.
The man who called for tea at an or
binary eating house, Gas strong as the
kick of mule" complains that he got
it ''as weak as a good resolution"
The kindest hearted man lives in
Franklin county, and forbids everybody
not to disturb a hen who is taking her
comfort sitting on two porcelain eggs.
Gardeners mind their peas; actors
mind their cues but sections, who ought
to be very mindful of their p's and as,
often give their attention to their pews
and keys.
GLOW wish l could take leaf out
of your book - said a scapegrace, one
day, to his pious friend. Subsequently,
events proved that it was his chequc
book on which the young scamp had
fixed his mental eye.
Mamma, said a precious little boy,
who, against his will, was made to rock
the cradle of his baby brother, if the
doctor has any more babies to give
away. don't you take EN-.
Attend your church. the parson cries;
To church each fair one goes;
Id lNnp n falE go -
The young to eye their clothes.
When Eve brought woe all mankind,
Old Adam called her woman:
But when she wood with love so kind.
He then pronounced it wOO-man.
But now with folly and with pride
Their husbands pockets trimming.
The ladies are SO full of whimS.
That people call them whim men.
An old lady gave this as her idea of
great man One who is keerful of his
clothes, don't drink sperets, ken read the
Bible without spelling the words, and
eat cold dinner on wash day without
grumbing.
When was Rome built? asked
school committeeman of the first class
in ancient history. In the night, an
swcrcd bright little girl Intbe night!
exclaimed the astonished examiner
w nv, IuOll1ilb tNtlN y BFNL} NlitN JlitI
"ROme wasn't built in a day.
"You carry the Pacific mails - any
iOuslv inquired a nervous maiden lady of
the captain of an Isthmus steamer.
eyes, ma'am, the captain replicd; but
they are all in bags, ma'am. " y vanish
ing trail of dry goods was all ther' was
left to suggest that somebody had made
a slight mistake.
When Mr.. Lincoln was questioned in
regard To some of the witticisms attri-
mted to him, such as ''Grant and the
Whisky" etc. he laughed and said
The papers make me smarter than |
am | have said none Of these things
with one exception. l did say. when |
had the smallpox. NOW let the Office
seekers come, for at last | have some
thing can give to all of them
A wooden wedding marryinga block
head. A golden wedding marrying for
money. A crystal Notwithstanding
a glass eve" A tin wedding marry
INC a milkmaid. A paper wedding
marrying an editor. A silver wedding
marrying an old maid of 60. An iron
wedding-mawying a blacksmith. A
linen wedding-marrying a laundress.
declare, said an old lady rcverting to
the promise made on her marriage day,
by her liege lord, I shall never forget
when Obadiah put the nuptial ring on
my finger, and said: "With my world
ly goods I thee endow." He used to
keep a dry goods store then, and |
thought he was going TO give me all
there was in it. was young and did
not know till afterward that it meant
NDa calico trpV-u n wear
Miscellaneous Heading.
The Eldora jail, Ia, is tenantless.
Masillon, O., wants a rolling mill.
Philadelphia has population of G15,-
900.
More petroleum discoveries in Ger
many.
A wire suspension bridge will be built
over the Whitewater at Harrison, Ind.
The President has appointed Geo r.
Usher consul at Ascension, Paraguay.