The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-05-28
H U MoRoUs ITEMS

'onnPolary WHO is 80 dirty That every time
he goes up stairs there is rise in real
estate.'
GB Massa, Christopher Columbus was
queer man." said negro orator. "a
notion crossed him one day, and den he
crossed an ocean"
C5g- Irate Officer.-O'Bren your out o..
step, sirP' Smart Prioate-"s "shure, thin.
darlin', it's meself that's only man in the
houl ridgment that's in step, ye name"
Edy- A lady tells as that when she was a
poor girl, living in the country, she used to
tplant corn in her bare feet" This i'm
parts new idea of the origen of these
troublesome things.
C5y- Rowland Hill made good remark
upon hearing the use Of the letter II dis
cussed,as to whether it were letter or not.
If it were not, he said it would be a very
serious affair for him. for it would make
him clip all the days of his life.
EY- The compositor has his own way of
punctuating and spelling, and this is the
way he treated a familiar passage of
Scripture: "The wicked flea, when no
man pursueth but the righteous, is bold as
lion."
GdY~ A wretched husband in st. Paul
advertises for the recovery of his wife, ga
taul woman with grey eyes and u small
babie just beginning to wauk," who have
been appropriated by ga taul pok maket
feller with red hare"
GB~ The greatest instance of impudence
on record, is that of Yankee, who, in an
Italian city, stopped religius procession
in order to light his cigar from one of the
holy candles. Ere the procession had re-
covered from its astonishment, the audac-
ious smoker had disappeared.
"a" Rather corpulent old lady: "I should
like ticket for the train" Booking clerk
(who thinks he will make a joke "Yes'm;
will you go in a passenger train or in the
cattle train?" Lady: "Well if you are a
specimen of what I shall experience in the
passenger train, give me ticket for the
cattle train by all means"
SS- A schoolmstress, while taking down
the names and ages of her pupils, and the
names of the parents, at the beginning Of
the term, asked one little fellow.
"What's your fathers name ?'
| "Oh, you needen't take down his name
he's too old to go to school to a woman,'h
was the reply.
1B- A young couple who had been hold
ing a cosy tete-a-tete in retired alcove at a.
party in Nashville, were somewhat abashed,
on emerging into the party, to find that
around the young mans neck there was the
print of two arms in chalk and diamond
dust, on his shoulder a quantity of good
powder, and other equally unaccountable
phenomena observable elsewhere.
GB- A dssipated young man..who ran
away from home, and spent his substance
in riotous living, resolved at last to return
to the paternal roof. His father was kind
enough to forgive the young rascal for his
wickedness and rushing into the house,
overcome with joy that the boy had return
ed, cried out to his wife:
"Let us kill the prodigal; the calf has
returned ~
GB Mr.. Jones, after having spent an
evening over his bowl, went home little
chow come you So" He was fortunate
enough to find his better-half asleep. He
went to bed and, after moments consid-
Grafton he thought it would be policy to
turn over lest his breath might betray him;
when Mrs. Jones opened her eyes, and, in
the mildest manner in the world, said
"Jones you needen't turn over, you are
drunk clear through
GSS A new lady in town was attracted
Sunday evening by little boy on the street.
He was bright little fellow but was,
rather shabbily dressed, and had an appear
ance of being better acquainted, with the
shades than the light of the world.
"Where is your home, my little son?''
she asked haint got no home" he an
swered. SCOT nohome?" she repeated
the tears standing in her eyes. "No,
marm," said he equally affected; y board
CB- A Yankee was narratng some of
the war sights he had seen to q crowd of
astonished Germans; and among the rest
he said, "Why when was in Mexico, un-
der Scott, l saw ball larger than this
house" This was too much for the Gre
dulity of the Germans, and one of them
said, "Dunder and bitten we're would
dey got de cannon to fire it off?' "Dun-
no." replied the imperturable Yankee,