The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1872-07-27
MiseeUanp.
Mrs.. JONES PIRATE.
BY MAX ADLE

called the Mary Jane. she earned lots oil
bowitzers, and deadly riied guns, with shot,
and shell, and powder. and PERCUSSION caps
by tons.
The pirate was homely man, and short,
and grim and fat, he wore a wild and awful
look beneath his slouching hat. Swords, PTS
tolls and stilettoes were ARRANGED around his
thighs, and demonicle glaring was common
with his eyes,
His heavy black mustacns curled away be-
meath l,ls nose, and dropped elegantly in tes-
toons around his toes. He hardly ever spoke
at all, but when such was the case, his voice,
ut was easy to perceive, was quite n heavy
bass
He was not a serious pirate. and despite HIS
anxious cares, he rarely went to sunday school
and seldom said his prayers He worshipped
lovely women, and his hope in life was this:
To calm his wild tumultuOus soul with pure
domestic bliss.
When conversing with his ship mates, he
very often swore that he longed TO give up
piracy, and settle down on shore. He tired
of blood and plumber, of the joys they could
bring, he sighed to win the love Of some affect
tionate young thing.
One morning as Mary Jane went bounding
ore the sea, the pirate saw merchant bark
far off upon his lea. He ordered pursuit
aud spread all sail that he could spare, and
then went down in hopeful mood, to have
and curl his hair.
He BACKED his boots. and pared his nails
and tied q fresh cravat, he cleaned his teeth,
pulled down his cuffs, and polished up his hat;
he dimed withfour the radience of his fiery
red nose, for hanging with some vessels wash
he sped some ladies hose.
Once more on deck, the strangers hull he
riddled with a ball. he yelled: II say! what
bark is that!" In answer to his call, the skip |
per Of the other boat, answered in thunder |
tones: This here is the bark Matilda, and her |
Captains name Is Jones'"
The pirate told his bold corsairs to man the |
jolly boat, to board the lark, and seize the |
crew; and slit their tar threats: and then
to give his compliments Captain Jones' and |
say he wished that he and Mrs. Jones would |
come and spend the day.
They reached the bark, they killed the crew, |
and threw them in the sea: and then they |
sought the captain, who was mad as he could |
be, because bis wite--who saw the whole sad |
tragly, it seems. made all the ship vocferous
with her outrageous screams
But when the pirates message came, she |
dried her streaming tears, and said, although |
shed like to come, she had unpleasant fears,
that his social status being very evidently low,
wouldn't Gaze to know.
Her husbands aged father, she admitted
deit !" bones, but the family descended from
the tamou; duke de Jones; and such blue
blooded people, that she rahble might be
checked, had he made their social circle cX-
Ccssively select
Before she visited in the ship she wanted
him to say If the Singles had recognized him
in a social, friendly way; did the Jonsons ever
ask him round to their andestrial halls? was
he noticed by the Thompsons! was he asked
to Simms balls!
The pirate said that Thompson was his best
and Oldest friend, that he had stopped ut John
sons when he had week to spend. As for
the Smythes, the worried him with their in
ccssant calls. his legs were very weary with
the dance at SuIm,s balls.
(The scoundrel iibed most shamelessly, in
fact lie only knew lot of Smiths without
ay--a most picbelan crew. His johnson used
vulgar h his Thomps2ns spelled with p, his
5 mes had one IN, and they were common as
could be.
Then Mrs Sones mussed up her hair, and
donned her best de!aine, and with Captain
Jones aboard the schooner Mary Jane. Tie
pirate won her heart at once by saying with "A
smile. he never saw woman dressed with
such eXquist style.
The pirate claim to status she was very sure
was just when she noticed how familiar the
Johnsons he discussed. Her aristocratic scru
pies then were quickly laid aside, and when
the pirate smiled Mt her recprocally she sigh
cd.
No sooner was the newer love within her
bosom born, than Jones was looked upon by
her with hatred and with scorn. She SAID
twas true his ancestors were famous duke de
Jones, but she shuddercd to remember that
his tathe. delt in bones.
So then chey got at Captain Jones and hack
ed hm with sword, and hacked him into
little bits. and tossed him over board; the
chaplain read the service, and the captain Of
the bah, before the widows weeping eyes was
gobb!ed by shark.
The chaplain turned the prayer book DER,
the bride took OFT her glove, they sworc to
honor, to obey, TO cherish and to love. And
frcightcd tull OF happiness, across the oceans
foam, the schooner g)ided rapidly towards the
pirates home.
And when Of ecstacy and JOY their hearts
could hold no more, he dropcd his anchor
down and rowed his love ashore. And US they
sauntercd up the street he gave his bri,ic "a
poke. and said: In them there mansions live
che friends of whom spoke"
She glanced her eye along the plates of brass
upon each door, and then her anger rose as it
had never done before. THAT johnson has
an b ihat Thompson has mp the Smith
that spells without is not the Smith for
me-
And darkly scowed she then upon this TO.
yer OF the wave. "False false ~ she shrek
ca, ana spoke OF hm AS monster, traitor,