The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-05-10
Humorous.

Pfduitelst,oyjuschis Seadt is one of
the Boards Of Government In Russia.
Why is an opened bottle of cham
pagne like an orphan? Because 1t has
lost its pop.
A BRooKFIELD man has named a
prize rooster Robinson, because Robin
son Crusoe.
A New Haven parrot barks so near
| like q dog that every cat in the neigh.
borhood has grown prematurely gray.
A NEW YORK apothecarya announces,
"Buy your vaccine virus here, our calf
| Is a great deal sicker than that ofany
other establishment"
In Boston "a "total abstinence society"
has been started, which announces as
its object, "total abstinence from mel
ding in other peoples affairs"
| A PRINTERS devil, in an Omaha of
| fee was bitten by q dog few day since.
The dog fingered several days and then
| died in great agony.
A German butcher in Chicago hung
out the following sign :-"Four pounds
of bologna for fifty cents" Some wag
added, with chalk,-"Dog cheap"
A minister not long ago preached
| from the text, "Be ye, therefore, stead
fast - but the printer made him ex-
pound from "Be ye there for break
| fast"
An Eastern exchange has this erratun:
"In our paragraph yesterday concern
| ing thirteen ministers who had been
spanked in infancy, for spanked read
| Sprinkted."
A California obituary: "The deceas-
ed was a talented man of romantic ma
ture. He placed the butt of his gun in
the fire while he looked down the muz.
zle and departed hence spontaneously"
AN editor says that the only reason
he knows of why his house wss not
blown away the other day, during a
severe gale, was because there was
heavy mortgage upon 1t.
Mrs. Emery, of Indiana, warns all
| women against her tickle, faithless hus-
band, who has deserted her. She says
he may be recognized by broken nose,
which she demolished with skillet.
An English writer says in his advice
| to young married women, "that their
| mother Eve marrieda gardener" 1t
might be added that the gardener, in
| consequence of the match, lost his situa-
| ton.
In Chicago the bill stickers are so
energetic that they go into the BARRIERS
shops and paste handbills on the soleS of
the boots of those customers who are
under the hands of the man of the ra-
zor.
In French court recently, as a wit
ness was about to give his testimony,
| the advocate remarked: "This witness
| is entitled to entire confidence, as he
has not had time to consult with his
lawyer"
A young lady was practicing the Bat.
tie of the Prague" in Brooklyn the
other night. After she had played two
hours burglar shot at her through the
window. But to the grief of the neigh
| borhood, he missed her!
| $50 you are going to keep school ?"
said young lady to her maiden aunt.
"Well, for my part, sooner than do that,
/ would marry widower with nine
children" 81 would prefer that my.
SELF" was the quiet reply; "but where's
the widower?"
One of the latest sensation stories COM
menceS with the casual remark: "Dii
you ever, gentle reader, have tussle
with full.grown Bengal tiger" The
Chicago Post says: "We did, and if the
king had turned, as we betted it would,
we'd have come out $50 ahead"
One day, when the great Erksine was,
as usual, on his way to Westminster Hall
with his large black bag crammed full of
briefs, he was accosted by man, who
asked him if he was dealer in old
clothes. "No, you imp" returned the
counsellor "these are all new suits"
"Do you think shall have justice
done me?" said culprit to his counsel,
a shrewd Kentucky lawyer of the best
class in that eloquent State. ~ am
little afraid thatyou won't, "replied the
other; 81 see two men on the jury who
are opposed to hanging"
| The st. Louis Christian Advocate saws,
"We do not pretend to account for Satan.
| We cannot understand the propriety of
his existence any more than we can that
of General Benjamin Butler, but both
are facts in the world, which we receive
upon competent testimony"
A rather grand and dramatic style of
expression came to sudden collapse in
court the other day. An indignant wit
ness exclaimed, "The FIRST time that l
ever did such dishonorabe act would
blow out my brains, Sir"
"Very good" said the counsel; "and
what would you do the second time ?"
THE Danbury Conn Nelos says: san
individual named Phelps, suffering from
dyspepsia, commenced series of horse.
back rides this morning. On the road
between here and Beaver Creek the aui
NAL stepped one side to climb Ovcra
fence, when Mr.. Phelps got of He SAY :
riding horseback cuts up the roads t0"
much"
"What time is it, my dear?" asked
a wife of her husband, whom she sus
pected of being drunk, but who Wa
doing his best to look sober. "Well, nv
darling, l can't tell" cause, you SEE.
, there are two hands on my watch, ana
f each points to different figure, and ]
don't know which to believe"
The mails having for a week failed
to come to time in an Arkansas town,
the local paper says it has been forced
: to draw heavily on the almanac5 fir
copy, and if communication with the
, outer world should be still longer cut
/, Off "will be obliged next week to make
extracts from the Bible, thus supplying
some ofour readers, at least, with mat
ter entirely new to them."
Horace Greeley heard that they mad.
5000 pounds of butter from sixteen cow
at Danbury. He bought lot at once,
and is going to have them ground uI
and churned. "You see," said he, 81
: can buy beef at eight cents a pound, and
! butter is worth forty. If it costs two
a cents a pound for labor, Shall cleai
g three hundred per cent. The man that
says this is not so is liar and horse
:, thief"
d 1t may serve a very good purpose
sometimes TO be of an inquiring turn o
;, mind, and not willing to put up will
nulsances readily. A man in Kansa
n city hotel, short time ago, blew ou
@ the gas on retiring, and soon after h
q rushed down stairs full of indignation
% to ascertain if there was "a glue factor,
y next door, If he had been one of you
6 contented, easy going mortals he mig h
d have fallen asleep and been sutfocated