The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1872-05-24
From the Philadelphia Sunday Dlspatch.l
~r--, SOME FUN.
BY MAX ADELER.

I The parents OF the Detrolt paoy
which has just swallowed a silver
watch are in a quandary. They are
perfectly willing that the baby should
keep the watch in its stomach if it can
not tell in any other way when the
time comes for it's meals; but they
don't understand exactly how they are
going to wind up the watch. 1t is clearly
impossible to send some member Of the
family down in there with the key once
day; and it is equally certain that, il
trap-door should be let into
the chi!d's abdomen for the purpose
the infant would be, in certain sense
spoiled.
There was q man in Harrisburg,
named Jones, who thought it would be
good thing Tor him to commit suicide.
So he put some charcoal in the stove,
ran the end of the stovepipe into the
closet, lit the charcoal, entered the
closet, and snapped the spring catch on
the door. He expected to be suGocated
by carbonic acid gas in a few moments.
Unhappily the charcoal failed to ignite,
and he was only choked by the smoke
from the burned paper. After waiting
about an hour for death, he considered
that it was becoming to certain ex-
tent monotonous in that closet, so he
began to yell down the stovepipe for
his wife to let him out. But she
didn't. That affectionate partner of
Jones merely sailed out and
brought in an alderman and physi-
clan, to whom the situation was ex-
planned, and in less than an hour Jones
was in an insane asylum, and Mrs.
Jones enjoyed herself in browsing
about in full possession OF all his pro-
perty. 1t is thought by those who
know the parties that Jones is sorry
he tried to kill himself. He is discour-
aged. And he is not as eager as he was
to leave this world and 90 lover
there" He merely longs to get out Of
the asylum, and to twist Mrs. Jones
back hair around q few times, and bat
ter her up with bed slat or something,
so as to induce her to refrain from get
ting rid Of his property. Women
seem, somehow, to be u constant source
Of annoyance to men.
GUMBs' DOG.
Gumbs, who lives next door to US, has
bought new dog. He needed new
one. His last dog used to bark all night
in the yard until, in frantic desperation,
we would shy boots and cologne bottles
and furniture at him. But he always
went on worse; and in the morning
Gumbs would come calmly out and
gather up these missiles and carry them
into the house. lie has more than TWEEN
ty pairs OF our boots and shoes in his pos
session, besides chair.legs and cakes Of
soap and hair.brushes and match safes
and towel-racks And he never had the
manliness to offer to give them back.
On the contrary, he trained that dog to
sit by the front gate and to seize us by
the leg when We came out, three or four
times week, apparently for the pur-
pose OF securing some more boots. But
we poisoned him one night, and the
next morning Gumbs threw the carcass
over into our ward. We threw it back.
Gumbs returned it, We both stayed
at home that day, and spent the time
handing that dog to one another over
the fence. Then we hired an Irishman
to stand there night and dav to return
the deceased to Gumbs' yard. Then he
engaged an lrishman. 1t was exhil-
arating work. The corpse probably
traversed that fence ak or seven thou
sand times in every twenty four hours.
He must have become familiar with the
route, even if he was dead. At last he
wore away with 80 much handling, and
on the last day the lrishmen whiled
away the hours by hinging only the tail
at each other. Our Irishman at last
buried the tail and resigned. And now
Gumbs has got new dog. 1t will be
excessively singular five do not fish for
that dog some evening soon with cod
FISH line and a piece of beef, and run
him up all Of sudden to our window
and launch him into the sewer No
dog owned by a man named Gumbs
shall exist over US.