Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1872-11-25
PUTTING UP STOVES

We have no doubt but that a great
many of our readers will find their own
experience reflected in the following
amusing account by an unknown author,
of a disagreeable task to be performed
at this season of the year in many house
holds.
The first step tnat a person takes is
to put on very old and ragged coat,
under the impression that, when he gets
his mouth full of plaster, it will keep
his shirt bosom clean. Next he gets his
hand inside the place where the pipe
ought to go, and blacks his fingers, and
then he carefully makes black mark
duwu tie s1ue or MS nose. IL Is lmpos-
sible to make any headway in doing this
work until this mark is made Having
got his face properly marked, the victim
is ready to begin the ceremony. The
head of the family-who is the big goose
of the sacrifce-grasps one side of the
bottom of the stove, and his wife and the
hired girl take hold of the other side.
In this way the load is started from the
woodshed toward the parlor. Going
through the door, the head of the family
will carefully swing his side of the stove
around, ard jam his thumb nail against
the doorpost. This part of the ceremo-
ny is never omitted Having got the
stove comfortably in place, the next thing
is to find the legs. Two of them are
left inside the stove since the spring be-
fore the other two must be hunted af-
ter for twenty-five minutes. They are
usually found under the coal. Then the
head of the family holds up one side of
the stove while the wife puts two of the
legs in place, and next he holds up the
other side while the other two are fixed,
and one of the first two falls out. By
the time the stove is on its legs, he gets
reckless, and takes off his old coat, re-
gardless of his linen Then he goes off
for the pipe, and gets a cinder in his
eye. 1t don't make any difference how
well the pipe was put up last year, it
will be found little too short or little
too long. The head of the family jams
his hat over his eyes, and, taking pipe
under each arm. goes to the tinshop to
have it fixed.
When he gets back, he steps upon
one of the best parlor chairs to see if
the pipe fits, and his wife makes HIM
get down for fear he viii scratch the
varnish off the chair with the nails in
his boot heel. In getting down he will
surely step on the cat, and may thank
his stars if it isn't the baby. Then he
gets an old chair, and climbs up to the
chimney again, to find that, .in cutting
off the pipe, the end has been left too
big for the hole in the chimney. So he
goes to the woodshed, and splits one
! side of the end of the pipe with an old
ak, and squeezes it in his hands to make
it smaller. Finally he gets the pipe in
shape, and finds that the stove does not
stand true. Then himself and wife and
the hired girl move the stove to the left,
, and the legs fall out again. The next
move is to the right. More difficulty
! with the legs. Moved to the front a
little. Elbow not even with the hole in
the chimney, and he goes to the wood
shed to get some little blocks. While
putting the blocks under the legs. the
pipe comes out of the chimney. That
remedied, the elbow keeps tipping over,
to the great alarm of his wife. He then
gets the dinner table out, puts the old
chair on it. gets his wife to hold the
chair, and balances himself on it to
drive some nails into the ceiling. Drops
the hammer on his wife's head At last
he gets the nails driven, makes wire
swing to hold the pipe, hammers little
here, pulls little there, takes long
breath, and announces the ceremony com.
pleted.
j. Job never put up any stoves, it would