The Forest Republican. [volume] (Tionesta, Pa.) 1869-1952, 1872-08-07
THE HIGH PRESSURE NOvEL-A
TAKE OFF.

they called her Moll, for
short. She wasn't a tall, dark eyed
maiden, with clear, transparent skin,
and lips like cherries, and cheeks
suf'used with bushes. She didn't have
glossy black hair. sweeping back in
wavy tresses from her queenly brow,
and her form wasn't bit like Hebe's.
No, there was none of those things--on
the contrary, she was short and thin,
and had red hair and freckles, and she
also sported snaggle teeth and wore
pads, but still she was right nice
girl, and there was a young man who
fell in love with her, and his name was
Bill, although his friends called him
William when they wanted to hurt
his feelings, for he didn't like it much.
He wasn't fine looking, and had neith-
er curly brown hair nor moustaehe.
Not much Bill laid himself out on
soap-locks, and wore a goatee that he
had dyed twice week.
Now this Bill was in love with Mary,
but did he 60 and make a deliberate
ass of himself? Did he, / say, 90 into
a grove with her, and in the soft moon
light, by the streamlet that murmured
sweetly by, and with the tender ze-
phyr sigln9Ah hrough the foliage fall
down on his knees, seize her jeweled
hand and breathe his deep affection in
the tender accents of fond attachment,
and swear "by yon bright orb above
us, always to be thine-?" Did he, /
say You can just bet he didn't. You
can lay out your whole revenge safely
on that. William knew too much
about the price of pants to go Topping
around on the wet grass with his good
clothes on besides he never cared any
thing about streamlets or any kind of
cold water, except to mix with his gin.
No, sir, but this William met her at
the alley gate, and says; "Say, Moll,
old gal, s'posen we get hitched ?"
But how did Mary behave? Did she
go dropping to sleep over on the bricks
in dead faint, or did she hide her
gentle head on his shirt bosom to con-
ceal her bushes? No, she didn't and
she didn't say, "Pm ever thine, my
own love, dear William" Oh, my, no.
She looked right in his yellow eyes,
and 4ys: "1'm in, Billy; I'm the gal
for these sort of things. Go in p'
Now, the old man wasn't wealthy,
for he sold soap-fat for living, and
so he didn't think Bill was nosing
around after his stamps so when Bill
asked him, he neither ordered him
iercely away nor did the dewey mois-
ture gather in his eagle eye as he
passed his hemstitcheI ankerchiefu
there and said: "Bless you, my chill
dren, bless you !' Oh no nothing Of
the sort. He just blew his old red
nose in his bandanna and told Bill to
take her, along, for he was glad to get
rid of her, he was, and William would
be the same mighty soon, for she was
awful rough on victuals, and always
broke plates when she got mad.
So, you see, there really was no ne
cessity for William to come at mid
nights solemn hour, in a cab, and
throw a rope-ladder up to her window,
and whistle three times on his fingers,
and then go up, hand over halfd, aud
bring her down in one hand and her
trunk in the other, and a handbook
and an umbrella under each arm, and
whole lot Of bundles; and then get
into the cab and fly to some distant
shore. That's the way it would have
been in novel but Bill said he wasn't
on that lay, and SO he just went out
in the yard, and out Of pure Joy he
skinned the cat three or four times Oh
the grapevine arbor, and then went
and got in his butcher cart and drove
Mary right down to the magistrate to
get the job done for quarter-for he
said he was some on low prices, he
was.
But the very queerest thing of all
was, that Bill had no tall, dark, ruffian-
ly rival, with a scrowling visage and
black whiskers, who flew at him with
a drawn dagger and horse pistol in
each hand, and muttered curse upon
his lips, and cried wildly for Revenge
Ha ha and said death !" and "Vil-
lain, thou diestl" Not any. There
was another fellow in love with Mollie,
to be sure, but he was a weakened
young man, who had sandy hair and
wore spectacles and choker collar,
and always looked scared when you
hollared at him. So, when he saw
that Bill had the best of the girls
affections, he looked all serene and
said : go in, Billy, if you banker for
her !" and as Bill was trihe on the
banker, he sailed in.
So William, you see had no trouble
at all-and you couldn't get up an
agonizing novel about him if you tried.
He didn't have any urgent business
that called him to foreign land, and
so had to bid her fond good bye, and
swear always to be true, and then 60
away and forget her, and fall in love
with dark eyed Italian girl, picking
grapes in vineyard, with "a square
towel folded on her head, while his
forgotten and forsaken Mary gradual
ly faded and pined away, and baffled
the physicians skill, and grew paler.