Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1872-07-18
Varieties.

Varieties.
| A PLEASANT kind of husbandry-Re-
moving widows weeds.
| A DESIRABLE secondhand article-A
young, rich and amiable widow.
| SMIGGLEs says that his idea of a grain
elevator is realized in rye whisky.
MANY young men are SO improyident
that they cannot keep anything but
late hours.
A CLERGYMAN at Waterloo has four
boys, the youngest of which is named
"Doxology," because he is the last of
the hims.
A GERMAN lately married Gays: sd
| vas youst SO easy as a needle could walk
out NIT camel's eye as to get der be-
hindt word NIT a voomans."
A GROCER is willing to admit that
honest tea is the best policy, but when
it comes to coffee, he doesn't believe in
running the thing into the ground.
THE Danbury Ne,os says that when a
couple of young people strongly devoted
to each other commence TO eat onions it
is safe to pronounce them engaged.
A New LONDON husband advertises
one cent reward for the return of his
eloped wife, but doesn't think it
worth while to have any one sent after
her.
WHEN a man comes to an end by
leaping out of a third-story window
he may be said to have jumped to a
conclusion in the most unreasoning
manner.
The only way to effectually destroy
"WidoWs' " weeds" which seem TO thrive
in some kinds of soil, is for the hus-
bandman to say, "Wilt thou?" They
generally wilt.
81 am afraid" said a lady to her
husband, that 1 am going to have a
stiff neck" "Not at all probable, my
DEAR" replied her spouse, L have seen
strong symptoms of it ever since we
were married"
SALEM is, literally speaking, the "City
of Peace ;" which accounts for the fact
that in Salem, Mass, forty DEGREES of
divorce were granted last week. At
least eighty of the city's population are
thus once more at peace.
WALTER, five-year-old, was surprised
at breakfast by the presence of dimin-
utive egg, served for his special delecta-
ton. He thus accounted for the eggs
smallness "Mamma, / think the
chicken was learning to lay"
A WITNESS under cross-examination,
who had been tortured by lawyer for
several hours, at last asked for glass
of water. "There," said the Judge,
"I think you. had better let that wit
ness 60 now, as you have pumped him
dry"
Rev. Mr.. MATHEWS, of Sigourney,
1oc rf oh
dren away in marriage. The reverend
gentleman jocosely remarked: Ny
self and the old lady are now back
where we commenced thirty years ago."
Some nice young men from the Uni
versity, at Normal, ILL.,, were about to
descend a coal shaft, and exchanged
hats for few moments with a party of
BOYS, in order not to soil their own. On
returning, the boys couldn't be found.
A YOUNG man who had come into pos
session of a large fortune by the death
of his brother was asked how he was
getting along. "Oh," said he, 81 am
having a dreadful time. What with get
ting out letters of administration and
attending Probate Court and settling
claims, [ sometimes wish he hadn't
died."
LITTLE WILLIE, being told to sit still
during thunder shower, asked what
the noise was. He was told by the awe
struck lady who had him in charge that
it was the voice of God, and again ad-
monished to keep still. But in spite of
this injunction, as another and heavier
clap of thunder came, he broke out
with: "Why, Miss NJ, he's hollerin'
now"
A RURAL citizen visited Boston res
taurant, heartily enjoyed cup of de-
licous coffee, and was on the point OF
leaving when asked if he hadn't forgot
ten something. He made an examine
ton of the table, and said he believed
not. "Ten cents.n was the next loconic
remark. zone of the neighbors said
tea and coffee was on the free list now"
said the rural citizen, but l won't be
small, swow; it's worth ten CENTS"
and rendering o very emaciated piece
of currency, he left.