The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1872-03-06
THE PR SS.
WEDNESDAY MORNING, MARCH 6, '72.
The Public Baby.
Prentice MulfOrd in Lippinccott's Magazine.

Prentice Mulford in Lippinccott's Magazine.
On whatever railroad you travel, on what
ever steamboat you find yourself, you find
there also the public baby. If you change
your car to rid yourself of the public baby,
you will find its duplicate in the next.
Your journey is at an end you have secured
your room at the hotel; from the adjoining
apartment squall arises; the public baby
has preceded you; it, he, she is there. Go at
night to the theatre-another squall arises !:
the public baby is there also.
The parents Of the public baby deem all
this bowling harmonious; they would not
have single note wasted in private. That
is why it must go off in public; that is why it
is taken to all manner of public places 1t is
taken to the theatre that it may insert its
screech into the finest orchestral strains, or
shiver all effect and sentiment to pieces by
uttering its da da! in the eliminating mo-
ment of the actors performance.
The father of the public baby wears black
coat, creased by being long folded in his trunk
at home; paper collar several days old,
green silk necktie, gaily figured vest, and
trowsers of some color as widely contrasted as
possible with the rest of his garments. AS to
color, he is dressed in compartments. He
chews largely of tobacco gets out at every
station for drink, puts his ticket in the least
known and explored recesses of his clothing,
so as to involve long search for it every
time the conductor comes round. At home
he keeps tied up in the back yard a bowling
and barking pup-a pup which crowds the
debit column OF the recording angels ledger
with the neighbors' curses. When this pup
grows out Oh the bowling and barking stage
he sells him and gets another old enough to
howl. That howl is a part of the public baby's
diet
The mother of the public baby wears
black velvet bonnet, more or less faded; it
has been hung up where she has raised dust
with broom. Her hair is slung in dusty,
reckless coils; there is washing-day look
about her; her skirts are careless in their dis
position; she has general dusty air, and
bears many traces of amalgamation with the
public baby. She married because she had
chance; because man came along; because
1T is part OF life to marry. The union has
resulted in one, perhaps several public babies.
Society shudders, without exactly knowing
why, on the appearance of each. She doesn't.
She would regard without alarm the prospect
producing threescore and ten. Should it
be limited at that Nautilus didn't approve of
an excess in the infants, she would probably
intimate that Nautilus might mind his own
business, while she would mind hers-that of
producing public babies. s
In disposition the public baby is uglier
than convention of rattlesnakes, more ven-
omous than caucus of centipedes, meaner
than band of coyotes. 1t does not intend to
be suited or pacified; it is madder than ever
when it wakes up to discover that it has been
trotted into brief slumber, and has thereby
been cheated for a few moments out of MAX
ing somebody uncomfortable. There was a
public baby on the cars the other day. On
starting from the depot / felt a strange sense
OF missing presence. l wondered at this.
Soon all was explained. The public baby was
not on board But it came at the next sta
ton. The little fend never misses train
nor pays cent This public baby at first
cried and howled on general principles. 1t
had not as yet discovered any special cause
for grievance-because of this it cried. Its
little hands were sticky with some manner of
saccharine sickness; its little face was sticky
with the same, especially its little but noisy
mouth; it rubbed its little sticky face with its
little sticky hands, the general sickness of
its face was amalgamated with that of it's
hands and rice rersd. When it had prepared
this mixture, it wanted to rub it over all who
sat near. 1t clutched at a lady's bonnet-rib-
bons, and succeeded in transferring a spot of
molasses colored brown to the bright blue of
the silk. The lady turned. She noticed the
public baby; she looked as if she wished
King Herod were alive and doing lively
business in that particular car. The parents
withdrew their sticky offspring from the front.
Then it howled with renewed anguish be-
cause it couldn't have that lady to paw. They
gave it more colored candy and a little cake.
With such material the little "wel-spring OF
pleasure" worked itself into an uneasy lump
of sacchai.ns and mucilaginous matter. 1t
studded its ea,lntenance with cake crumbs.
Soon the rece. lcle for candy within that ba-
by was full; it cried because it could hold no
more. 1t wanted to go to its father; it went
then it cried to go back to its mother it went
then it howled to go back to father again.
He went into the smoking car men have
some rights which can not be invaded. The
public baby then demanded in its expressive
way that it should repaw the lady's blue bon
net strings; its mother tossed it aloft it cried
she held it lower; still it cried; she held it
sideways; it cried sideways; she held it top
side down; topside down it cried 1t became
red in the face; people around hoped it might
burst; some moved away. Unfortunately,
the mother discovered its danger, and the
child was preserved-preserved to howl for
years, until it ceased to be public baby.