Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1872-04-23
lunch for Hat72aO2.istS.


When Horace Greeley wants to hide his feel
ings he puts them in writing. 81. =.
a doctor calls his dog Cinchona, on account
of the bitterness Of its bark.
A Wisconsin editor speaks of a wind which
''just sat on its hind legs and howled.
A Vermont editor called Alexis 'the noble
Russ the printer made it "Kuss.'
Siam is becoming civilized. Its King has
learned to wear shirts and swear.
A widowor was recently rejected by damsel
who didn't want a warmed-over man.
Pay your little outstanding earthly bills, and
don't romance about the falling dues of heaven.
A Connecticut leap-yearess calls on her be-
loved with exemplary regularity, and goes
home after midnight.
"What are you doing there p said a grocer
to a fellow who was stealing his lard. Il am
getting fat, was the reply.
Mrs Partington says she does wish they d
hurry up and pass the silver service bill In
Washington.
After using the terms assassin, liar,
thief, etc a California editor winds up by
calling a brother editor ''he schoolma am.
An Indiana man has instituted proceedings
to restrain his wife from putting tombstone
over the grave of her first husband.
There is an Apostolic saloon in Windsor kept
by Matthew & Mark, and the two bar-tenders
are named Luke and John.
A man who was told by clergyman to re-
member Lots wife replied that he had trouble
enough with his own, without remembering
other men S Wives .s,ets,
An old gentleman saw ladder placed against
his daughter window he at once raised the
cry of fire, aud commenced to dash water on
the ascending sparks" "
A good choice. Judge We'll, sir, you are
fond of stealing; if should let you steal now
what would you steal p Prisoner: - would
steal away. your honor.
The euphemistic way of putting it now,
when fellow gets kicked. is to say that some
body's boot toe casually walked over the base
ment of his pantaloons
A Southern paper says in its local columns
IA negro and two fine young mules were
drowned In the river yesterday. The mules
were remarkably fine animals and cannot be
easily replaced"
Instead of flying kites, bringing down light
ming from Heaven, aud making philosophical
axioms, Mr. Benjamin Franklin, of New Or
leans, spends major portion of his time In
stealing ducks.
One of the best definitions of inconsistency
we have ever heard was from Teutonic ora
tor, at recent town meeting near Boston, who
said ut is wonderful, shentlemen, how elias
tic some men are In dere brains
A drover. who sells his cattle by live weight,
always gives them as much water as they will
drink before driving them on the scales
THAT" he says, lis what | understand by
watering stock. -
An old topper being asked one day why he
persisted in drinking, replied: DRY makes
me drink, drink makes me drunk, and drunk
makes me dry again. The explanation was
considered quite sufficient
Young Might ask you, NISSAN
Miss-very sorry, sir but am engaged for
the next three dances.
Young Gent-lt is not dancing-ah- tits,
it's-beg your pardon, Miss-you are sitting
on my hat ~ a1e
of cast off clothing for the relief of the victims
of the Minnesota fire, received from one of the
sufferers the following note:
The committy man Civ me amongst other
things what he called a pare ov pants and
twood make me pant some to ware 'em.
found your name an where you live on one ov
pockets. My wife LATED so when shode 'em
to her that thought she would have COMP
shun fit. She wants to know if there lives and
breathes man who has legs no bigger than
that. She sed if there was he orter to be ia
ken up fur vagrinsey for hayin' no visible
means oy support ] couldent get 'em on nv
oldest boy, SO | used EN- fur gun cases. If
you ha7 another pare my wife wod like to get
'em to hang up by the side ov the fire phase to
keep the tongs in.
An lrishman took the contract to dig pub
lie well. W hen he had dug about twenty-five
feet down, he came one morning and found it
caved ln-hlled nearly to the top. Pat looked
cautiously around and saw that no one was
near, then took off his hat and coat, hung
them on a wndlass, crawled into some bushes
ana awaited events. In a short time the citi-
zens discovered that the well had cayed In, and
seeing fat hat and coat on the windlass. they
supposed that ne was at the bottom of the ex-
cavatlSn Only few hours of brisk disping
cleared the loose earth from the we'll Inst as
the citizens bad reached the bottom. and Woo
wondering where the body was. Pat csn na .i
ing out of the bushes and good nat,, val
thanked them for relieving him Of sorry i ;ob
Some of the tired diggers were disguised ' but
the joke was too good to allow apytbine moro ore
fhon hoorfu r. -1N1O