The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1872-12-14
PEPPER AND SALT.


that bseaass he ereW 20 load the morning after
Thsnksgiving. when he found that he still lived.
....SsArk, the lightning rod man, talk, of patent.
Ing rode msde BY him to put in old drinkers
tAfoats to conduct "boiled lightning down easy.
Mitchell, the dining room.ist has invented
very ssccss,fal rat trap, by means of which
hs catches from fifteen to twenty rats per dsy.
He Offers - set Us ul . nice rat pie Mitchell
u evidently . pie-ratical man AFTER couple
weeks steep eogitation, We have discovered what
the word (" Liberal" meant in the late campaign.
It had reference to the lively manner in which
these Grant fellows "whaled" rs 80. During the
dr't week after our terrible drubbins by the
radicals, We felt mad and gloomy; the second
loft NJ trying to bear it, the Sd trying to grin and
the fourth grinnins We are new grinnins,
and " want it distinctly understood that We
shall grin - much As We have = mind to, and
keep at safe distance :. "A certain jsweler has
for week exposed q patent sign, on which he
has arranged the movable letters 81 ~ to read,
Diamond Specks" Are such "specks' an i'm.
provsnsnt upon fy.specks 49,. o. Monday last,
while the wssthsr was struggling around the
bottom Of the thermometer. Tom B., we'll.
known lsw.slinger, might have been seen bare
hssdsd, summing himself on the plaza in trout of
his odioe, with the window open full hight, as
though it Wa ho. in there. Tom may have been
wrestling with some knotty legal problem and
bad to cool himself. At any rate be boxed As
cool ~ . statue, but as painfully unlike the
god dsss Of liberty as possible 80. Cullen of the
Pee Wee, in his wrath caused by our Kzer joke
on hin. calls rs = "cur." That compliment the
dogs aad oars will doubtless appreciate, but how
| II We were to call Cullen dog? Every dog and
cur in Ottawa would howl with dirgust
Though We despise dogs in general We shall not
heap such IN outrageous insult upon the canine
rss"....M. c. Kane, at the Opera House book
store, Ass . couple of hundred little dolls, more
or lsss usdrsassd, hung by their nsoks around
his store Al old woman came in the other day
and seeing these little innocsnts, snquired
Mr. OKaae, are 70 the father of all them ?"
....OKans. The express DRYER, amuses himself
in ceiling" innocent women and unsuspectng
children on improbable stories. He'd better 90
mildly, the Sheriff has a cell for him in Jail :. =.
The new Sheriff is we'll up in the world His
height 10 six feet four inches and his deputy,
McCslso, 10 six feet three inches Over twelve
feet and half Of Sheriff "How long, o Lord,
how long, Tie new Sheriff. office will be
down ''sir'. in tho rooms fronting the Jail A.
the csiiisrs ere very low, these elongated gen.
tlsmsn will literally have 10 hump themselves
or 20 on all tours. Another iliustr .tion of the
fact that people 10 this country. no matter how
high. must get down very low 10 hold an Office.
Besides, shs's sheriff. and their prisoners arc
one door between them. Thus it has come about
that to bssoms Sheriff in this county man may
be said to ~ only one stsp-oae door-one de.
gree from s-hoss-borrowe -. There is = Ger.
tsiu party 10 this CITY who has lively sppre.
citation Of humor. He Isl person who, when
hcklsd. laughs all over. He took his lady to
400 "Humpsy Dumrty," one evening, and he
laughed " oonsumedly" and boisterously all the
time He opened his mouth so wide aud deep
that you could nearly see his boots. He uttered
wild. frsntio yslls of CAmanche delight. He
kicked the back of the seat in front of him :;
amnsd bis hat in wad like An old dish raj =, and
what Vas worst of all, when anything was
sohresshingly funny, in his paroxysms of ungov.
srnasls nirth. he would pound the lady's back
With vigorous slaps, audible all over the house.
This performance was evidently not amusing to
hsr-in fact it hurt, and when they got up any
new abssrdity. anything abominably funny, she
would instinctively Vince, dodge and make
ssonisag grinsees. She didn't enjoy the show
in the least. She threatens the next time sha
goes with that fellow to the show, that she will
wear her Newspaper hump near her shoulders,
90 ~ 70 ease the force of her mans violently
mirthful demonstrations :. Now reader lust
get yourself roady for surprise, and if you
have eyer dropped q tear over the weaknesses of
srring mortals, and such tears do you any good,
"if you have tears to shsd prepare to shed them
now" Fan yourself for moment and read
what follows slowly. If you have An aversion
to anything shocking, don't read this, if you on.
Joy shocks here goes: few days ago . certain
grave and reverend person, who is or has been a
preacher or a. the irrsverend boys would say,
. gospel singer. who is supposed to have a flock
Of lambs. ind to teach them by practice and pre-.
cept that which is good, came to town
and went into very irregular place
| where gin cocktails are constructed, and saw
there very nice man, whose plaid pants, da.
mond pin and RI fled shirt alone marked him as
q gentleman without guile. His lily white