The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1872-03-08
Mff AND 8CM0K:
Laps of time-old eoat-tails.


Laps of time-old eoat-tails.
What comes after cheese Mice.
Cash characterization to rich
widow.
The tobacco chewer's music-spit-
tune.
Fee simple-Money given to
quack doctor.
The .drunkard's week is made up
of ThirstGays.
Congressman like corns are often
pared off.
Every young doctor will get on if
he only has patients.
The breaking of both wings of an
army is a pretty sure way to make it
fly. f...
Why is pig like miser? Because
he is no good until he is dead.
A Doctors motto is supposed to be
patients and long suffering"
The most warlike nation of modern
times is vaccination, because it is al
ways in arms.
What is the funniest burglary on
record? When the man "bursts into
a laugh" -
You should always keep your horse
fat, and never allow any lien on him.
Next TO busy bees, boot-blacks fur
nish the brightest example of improv-
ing the shining hour"
A lady advertises herselfas teacher
for''persons of newly-acquired wealth
and deficient education"
Quadrat says he don't mind the
nakedness the trees are putting on,
but he notices the corn is shocked.
.Politeness is like an air cushion |;
there may be nothing in it, but it
cases our jolts wonderfully.
A darkey says: "Au men are made
of clay, and like meerschaum pipes
are more valuable when highly
colored.
If the seas were dried up, what
would Neptune say? really haven't
an ocean Ia notiOn). rE
Josh Billings says: 1t is statistical
fact that the wicked work harder
tew reach hell than the righteous do
tewget to heaven.
The minister who divides his dis
courses into two many heads will
find it difficult. to procure attentive
ears for all of them.
If YOU don't look carefully after
the bits of your horse, you may some
day be looking after the bits of your
wagon.
"My daughter, you must never lis.
ten to fiatterers." "But, pa, how
can 1 tell that they are fiattering un'
less 1 listen?'
Doctor, what do you think is the
cause of this frequent rush of blood t.
my head? "Oh! it is nothing but an
effort of nature. Nature, you know
abhors vacuum"
A Wisconsin editor was called out
of bed one night to receive subscrip
ton; after that he sat up nights fol
over a week, but the Offense was moi
repeated.
Frightened MOrmons, instead o
sealing any number of new wives
are now carefully cOncealing thu
number of wives they have.
A robber who was seized for steal
ing snuff out of tobacconist's shop
by way of excusing himself, said tina
lie was not aware of any law that for
babe man to take snuff.
Do you think. asked Mrs. Pepper
that little temper is a bad thing III
a woman? Certainly not, ma'am, re-
piled a gallant philosopher; it is
good thing, and she ought never t.
lose it.
A Michigan doctor who has beer
arrested because his patient died, hal
been acquitted on the ground that ht
did the best he could, giving all the
medicines he knew the names OF.
An old lady recently directed the
attention of her husband to pair O
twins, remarking, as she did SO
"How much these two children dc
look alike, especially the one thii
way" .
An old lady complaining Of the bad
quality of ham to the provision
dealer, the latter assured her it was 8
regular Westphalia. THAT it is, in.
deed ~ exclaimed the dame, land
the worst failure ever had!" -.|
A countryman in Savannah OBJ
served a gang of darkies laboring OF
the streets, each wearing q ball and
chain. He asked one why that bal
was chained to his leg. ''To keeI
people from stealing it," said ths
darky, cheap of thieves about here
The protector of a new paper at At
lanta, Georgia, having declared thai
he will condemn the wrong and APP.
plaud the right" the Era says the
task will keep him about as busy as {
school-boy with q hornet in hi
trousers. /
Another humble imitator of G.
Washington has appeared. A Michi.
gander recently presented himself e
the sheriff weeping, and said he cOult
not tell "A lie-that he had cut down
his wife and child with his little
hatchet. The sheriff told him he was
too good to live much longer, and II
is probable that he won't.
An Englishman and Frenchmar
had to fight duel. That they
might have the better chance fol
missing one another, they were II
fight in dark room. The English
man fired up the chimney, and, by
Jove! he brought down the French
mani When tell this story in Paris
observed the poet Rogers, 1 put the
Englishman up the chimney.