davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-10-15
Gle Gintes, New Blponfelos pa
Laughter Better than PhysIc.

"Laugh and grow fat, )" is considered
wholesome advice to the lean, and that it
is conducive to the increase Of adipose
matter in the human species is generally
admitted. But the latest form Of putting
the aphorism is Laugh and Iive;' in
other words the Laughter Cure, "come
this way" Invalids are admonished to
"throw physic to the dogs" and take lib
eral doses of laughter instead. One of our
exchanges give case in point in which the
efficacy of the new treatment is strikingly
illustrated, and in this wise:
Once on time, priest, while passing
along road, was accosted by woman,
who said her cow was choking to death,
and that the priest must save her. The
priest, unwilling to shatter her faith walk
ed slowly round the suffering bovine three
times, repeating: "If she lives she lives,
and if she dies she dies. Faith triumphed;
the COW recovered, living for years as
milk dispenser. Not long after the priest
fell i'll, his disease sort of membranous
Group, and the priest was in great danger.
The grateful woman rushed to his bedside,
shouting that she could cure him. AS the
physician could do nothing further, she
was allowed to proceed. Ordering the bed
to be placed in the middle of the room, she
seized the clergyman's cane, and flourish
ing it frantically, walked around the bed,
shrieking: "If he lives he lives, and if he
dies he dies" Three times she circled the
choking priest, when suddenly an explosion
of laughter broke the forming membrane,
and the treatment of the COW was too
much. Faith again triumphed the laugh
ter cure proved as good for the clergy as it
had for the COW.
1t is suggested that new college be es-
tablished, provided with clowns to please,
straws to tickle, jokers to tell laughable
yarns, &c.-Laughing is good thing /;
it's healthy. Who will open the cam
paign? Who will write "What Know
About Laughter?"
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-10-15
A YentrllOquist's. Joke.


We recently took walk on to the wharf
with friend who is good ventriloquist.
The hands on one of our steamers were
engaged in rolling off cask, when to the
CONSERVATION and surprise of the perso
engaged in performing that operation,
voice was heard within the cask.
"Roll it easy; these plaguey nails hurt.
I'd rather pay my passage than stand all
this"
Gliding up their hands, their visuals ex-
panding to the size of two saucers, the two
laborers exclaimed
"That beats the dickens ~
The mate coming up at this moment,
and unaware of the cause Of delay, COM
menced cursing them for their dilatoriness,
when from within the cask the voice came
forth
" You're nobody; let me out of this
cask.'
" What's that ?" said the mate.
"Why, it's me-" said the voice; " want
to get out; won't stand this any longer"
up end the cask," said the mate.
"Oh, don't You'll kill me-" said the
voice. "Oh, how these nails prick Look
out-don't p' again said the cased-up indi-
vidual, as the men were turning it over.
Cooper" said the mate, "head that
cask and take out that man."
AS the adze sundered the hoops, and the
head was coming out, the voice again broke
forth:
BE easy now; is there any one about
don't want to be caught"
Quite crowd had now gathered around
the seen of action, when loud gutteral
laugh broke forth, which made our hair
stand on end, and the cask was filed with
bacon.
"What does it mean," says one.
1t beats my time" said the mate.
We enjoyed the joke too well to "blow"
as we walked off arm in arm with the ven-
triloquist and magician.
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-10-15
A Pneumatic Tube.

After repeated experiments, Mr.. Albert
Brisbane, some months ago, claimed that he
could transmit packages through tube of
any length by hollow sphere travelling in
the tube, simply by exhausting one six
hundreth part of the atmosphere in the
tubes, thus creating vacuum which would
cause the atmospheric pressure at the other
end to drive the hollow sphere through the
tube with a'lightning rapidity.
Upon an exhibition of his calculations
and experiments to the House Committee
on Appropriations, Congress, at its last ses-
sion, appropriated $4,000 to construct a
pneumatic tube of Mr.. BIS invention from
the Capitol to the Government printing of
fee, the work to be done under the super
vision of Mr.. Edward Clark, architect of
the Capitol. In accordance Herewith Mr..
Clark has entered into contract with Mr..
Brisbane for the construction of the tube
between the buildings above named, by
way of North Capitol street, Brisbane to
furnish all machinery, materials and labor
necessary for its construction, and the prop
Ell working of it. The tube is to be at least
two feet in diameter Gnner measurement, }
to be laid under ground, and constructed
of planks treated in boiling coal tar, or
some equivalent method, to insure dura-
bility, and hooped with iron and screw
clamps.
Mr.. Brisbane is to place in a proper con-
dition the streets through which the tube
is to pass, and to supply all necessary ma
chinery.
The tube, as above described, will have
hollow sphere Of two feet diameter fitted
therein, the inventor claiming that by using
a sphere instead of railway carriage he
avoids the loss by friction and increases the
power. He then puts an exhausting fan
in the Capitol and another in the printing
office, and packages to be conveyed are
placed in the hollow sphere; the air is then
exhausted by the fan at the other end of
the tube, and he claims, as above stated
that as soon as one six-hundredth of it is
out the atmospheric pressure at the other
end will drive the ball and contents through
the tube.
Mr.. Brisbane is now in New York, to
prepare the tube and machinery, and when
| it is once here but short time will be re-
quired to put it in POSITION Washington
Republican.
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-10-15
Sunday n Day of tIadness.

God does not mean us always to be SON.
Der, least of all upon Sundya, the glad feast
of the resurrection, day whose atmos-
phere throughout should Sbe one of quiet,
unworthy joy. Let not boisterous merri-
ment disturb the calm; let hearty worship,
and kindly intercourse, and refreshing rest
rest of tired mind from its dragging
brood of weekday anxieties, rest of tired
body from the round of weekday toil-let
this be the employment this the tone of
the hallowed day. Religion, not in every
word, act, look, obtruded with painful ef-
fort, but present in the heart, should pre-
wade the day, its rest, its reading, its con-
versaton. o never represent Sunday-at
any rate to the young-as a dull and
gloomy day; nor dream that heart devo-
ted to the kind God, need abjure all that is
genial and joyous, or that subdued, spirit
broken step is nessesary to the child who
has chosen to walk beside that tender
Father, holding by his hand.
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-10-15
Two Pictures.

Pictures themselves have sometimes
curious history. The story of the two pict-
ures at Florence is old, but not worn out
An artist at Rome saw often, playing in
the street near his window, child of ex-
quisite beauty, with golden hair.and cherub
face. Struck with the loveliness of the boy,
he painted picture of him and hung it
up in the studio. In the saddest hours
that sweet, gentle face looked down upon
him like an angel of light. Its appearance
filed the soul with gladness and longings
for heaven, which its purity symbolized.
"If ever find," said he, "a perfect con-
trast to this beautious face, / will paint
that also, and hang it on the opposite wall,
and the one will call heaven and the 9th
er hell"
Years passed At length, in another
part of Italy, in prison he visited, looking
in through the grated door of a cell, he saw
the most hideous object that ever met his
sight--a fierce, haggard fiend, with glaring
eyes and cheeks deeply marked with the
lines of lust and crime. The artist remem-
bered the promise he had made himself, and
Immediately painted a picture of this loath-
somo culpiit to hang over against the por-
trait of the lovely boy. The contrast was
perfect; the two poles of the moral universe
was before him. Then the mystery of the
human soul gained another illustration.
He had two pictures, but they were like
nesses of one and the same person. To his
great surprise, oninquiring into the history
Of this horrid wretch, he learned that he
was no other than the sweet child with
golden ringlets whom he once knew so we'll
and saw SO often playing in the streets OF
| Rome.
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-10-15
A Puzzled Turnkey.

A somewhat breezy individual, named
James Kelly, was recently arrested and
locked up in Baltimore station-house by
himself but soon the turnkey was startled
by conibinati ons of voices, as If the cell
was filed with variegated humanity. The
voice which first attracted his attention
was that of female, who, rich in Irish
brogue, said, or rather screamed, "Oh,
ye baste would ye be after hugging me, a
lone widow, with no one here to protect
her p" This was followed by sound re-
sembling that of person being slapped in
the face, and then with an apology " Miss,
/ meant no offence, indeed. / beg your par
dom" The turnkey hastened to the cell
from which the conversation proceeded, and
was greatly astonished TO find Kelly seated
in the corner of the room apparently asleep.
Puzzled at what he had heard, the turn
key slowly walked away from the cell, and
in five minutes afterwards he heard a
German and negro in an alteration, each
man taking turns in beating the other.
After this had been kept up well through
the night, the turnkey stole upon Kelly un-
awares and found him indulgiDg in most
extraordinary ventriloquistic performances,
having evidently enjoyed his confinement
far better than his captors did.
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-10-15
A PeriIOus Position.

A Liverpool, England, paper describes
the following curious accident which re-
Gently befel one of the roads in that city.
1t appears that the inexplicable flooding of
a cellar led to an examination by the bor-
ough engineer, who, in the course of his in
vestigation made the startling discovery
that the main road was gradually disap-
pearing, it having already sunk to the depth
of three inches. The street cars were new
ertheless running in their customarily COM
Portable manner, and the traffic generally
was proceeding as if the road still stood
working the street cars, and men were
promptly sent to open the street, when it
was found that in taking up the sets the
pick went through the shell of the street
into a hollow from which vapor of water
puifed. A large hole was then broken in
and u cavity was found about twenty five
feet long, eighteen feet wide, and twelve
feet deep, full of water The thickness i'm
mediately under the street which covered
the opening, and which must have support
ed the roadway and car track for consider
able time, was about twelve inches at the
thinnest part. 1t consisted of the pitching
of the street, which was fortunately in re-
markablo good order, and had a compact
ness and rigidity almost equal to concrete.
1t must be admitted, however, that there is
degree of excitement to be fonnd in trav-
cling in car over hole twenty-five feet
long, eighteen feet wide, twelve feet deep,
and full of water with nothing but shell
of earth foot in thickness between the
car and the water.
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-10-15
SUNDAY READING.
Putting Pitch in their Boots.

have heard of a, company of hunters
Il who caught number Of monkeys in
the forests of Brazil in the following anus
ing way:
They had lot of little boots made just
large enough to be drawn easily over
monkeys foot, and filed the bottom with
pitch. With these they set out for the
woods, and soon found themselves under
the trees, where the lively little fellows
were leaping about among the branches,
hanging by their tails, swinging themselves
easily from one tree to another and chat
tering noisily together as if making OBJ
servations upon the strange visitors that
had come into their quarters. The hunters
were too wise to attempt to catch them by
climbing the trees; they might as well have
expected to snatch flying bird as to lay
hands upon one of these nimble little fel-
lows. They had an easier way than this,
and one much more effectual. They sim
ply sat down under the trees, while the lit
tie chatterboxes were rattling on over their
heads, but never for q moment removing
their eyes from them. Then they placed
the little boots where they could be seen,
and commenced taking off their own boots.
Having done this, they let them stand a
while near the little boots. All this the
monkeys very carefully noticed. The hun
ters now taking up their own boots, hav-
ing carefully looked over them drew them
slowly, one after the other, upon their feet
Not motion escaped the observation of
the monkeys. Having replaced their boots
they hurried away to the thicket of under
growth not far off, where they were hidden
from the sight of the monkeys, but where
they could see everything that happened
under the trees. They left the small boots
all standing in row.
They were no sooner out Of sight than
down from the branches dropped the mon
keys. They looked at the boots, took them
up, smelt them, and finally seating them
selves as the hunters had done drew them
on over their feet.
AS soon as they were fairly in the boots,
out sprang the hunters from their hiding
place, and rushed among them. The mon
keys, affrighted, at once started for the
trees, but only to find that they destroyed
their power of climbing by putting on the
boots. So they fell an easy prey to their
cunning enemies. This is the way the
monkeys were caught. And how many
young persons are caught in the same way!
In their desire to do what they see other
persons doing, they fall into serious trouble
and often bring upon themselves ruinous
habits that follow them to the grave
Zi0n's Herald.
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-10-15
nA ANn TO BE CREDITED TO
S4NW1NI MUTUAL PoIICY HOLDERS.

The PENNSYLVANIA Central Insurance Company
having had but little loss during the past year. the
annual assessment on Mutual POlicy-hoders will
rates, which would be equal to a dividend OF 40
per cent, as calculated In Stock Companies, ora
deduction of per cent, ON the notes below the
usual assessment; and as the Company has over
600 900 in premium notes, the whole amount cred.
tied to mutual policyholders over cash rates, will
amount to $1,000 Had the same policy holders in
sured In n Stock Company, at the usual rate, they
would have paid "a, 600 more than II has cost them
in this Company. Yet some OF our neighb0r
agents are running about crying Fraud Fraud
and declare that mutual company must fall
But they don't say how many stock companies are
falling every year, or how many worthless stock
companies are represented in Perry County
to-day.
cannot break.
JAMES ii. GRIER,
6 25tf Sec'y of Penn'a Central Insurance Co.
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-10-15
A Novel Pension.

Among the peculiar institutions at West
Point are two maiden ladies named ThOmp-
son, who enjoy certain privileges not pos
sessed by any other ladies in the land
namely, the right to board twelve students
of the senior class of cadets. Their father
Col. Thompson, performed some special
service during the Revolutionary War, for
which novel pen sion was settled on his
widow-viz. the use of house at West
Point during her life at an annual rent of
six cents, to which was added the above
boarding privilege. On the death of the
widow the pension was continued to her
three daughters, and for sixty years the
family have held the privilege, and main
tai ned themselves handsomely from it,
One of the daughters is dead, and the re-
naming two are very aged, one seventy
two the other eighty. They are very ar
istocratic and dignifed, and If the cadets
carry on" too much, they find a polite
note under their plates intimating that
they can depart. They have their pick Of
cadets, and 1t is considered great favor ia
get there.
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-10-15
Age ASsess Age ASseSs Age ASsess Age aSs,ss

Will enttle member to certificate OF ONE
THOUSAND DOLLARS, to be paid at his death
to his legal heirs or assigns whenever such death
may occur.
A member, or his heirs, may name successor; ;
but II notice of the death OF q member to the Sec
retafy is not accompanied with the name OF sue
cessor, then the Society will put In successor and
fill the vacancy, according to the Constitution OF
the Society.
Should the member die before his four pay
ments OF Jlye dollars are made, the remaining un-
paid part will be deducted from the one Thousand
Dollars due his heirs; his successor will then pay
only tloo dollars annually during his lifetime, and
the mortality assessments,
nA- Male and Female from fifteen to sixty.hye
years Of age, OF good moral habits in good health,
hale, and sound OF mind, irrespective OF creed, or
race, may become members. For further infoma-
tion, address L. w. CRAUMER,
(Secy u. b. Mutual Aid Society
LEBANON, PA.
AGENTS Wdftted!
Address
D. s. EARLY,
6 81 Sm pdl Harrisburg Pa
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-10-15
The U. B. Mutual
Aid Society of Pennsylvania,

Present the following plan for consideration to
such persons who wish to become members:
The payment Of SIX DOLLARS on application,
FIVE DOLLARS annually for FOUR YEARS, and
thereafter TWO DOLLARS annually during life,
with pro-rata mortality assessment at the death
follows:
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-10-15
HUMAN MISERY!
6 81 srn pdl

Just Published, in a Sealed Envelope. Price. Gets.
A LECTURE ON THE NATURE TREATMENT,
AND RADICAL CURE OF all Diseases caused by
excess, &C. Also, Nervousness, Consumption, Ep
ilepsy and Fits ETC., ETC. BY ROBERT j. Gull
VERWELL, M. d., author Of the Green Book"
etc, etc.
The WOrld.renowned author, in this admirable
Lecture clearly proves from his own experience,
that the awful consequences youthful indiscretion
may be effectually removed without medicine, and
without dangerous surgical operations, bouges,
instruments, rings or cordias, pointing out a
mode of cure at once certain and enectual, by
which every sufferer, no matter what his condition
may be, may cure himself cheaply, privately, and
radically. THIS LECTURE WILL PROVE A
BOON 70 THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS.
Sent under SEAL to any address, in plain sealed
envelope, on the receipt of six cents or two post
age stamps Also DIR. Culperwells Marriage
CHAS. j. c. KLINE Il CO.,
e.5.1yPl l27 Bowery, New York, p. o. Box, 1856
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-10-15

GB- A boy, writing composition on
" Extremes" remarked that "we should
endeayor to avoid extremes, especially those
Of wasps and bees"
The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-10-15

pB- A thing not generally known--that
people who get to high woids often use low
language.
Wilmington daily gazette. [volume] (Wilmington, Del.) 1872-1874, 1872-06-22
Malpractice In n. York-The Cyles
loWden Case.

The social sensation IN New York tor the past
few days has been the trial before the Court OF
General Sessions Of DR.. George K. G,les, charged
with causing the death of Mrs. Mary Ann Low
den, widow lady, by malpractice The evidence
for the prosecution was to the effect that IN May
last Gyles called ut the house Of Mrs Lowden, and
after briet interview III the parlor attended her
in her chamber; that halt hour after he lett the
house. and that in the afternoon Mrs. Lowdeu
was found dead in her bed, with evidence present
Of malpractice. The defense of the prisoner, who
claims to be regular obsterrical surgeon, was
that he was called on at the store about the first
of May by Mrs. Lowden, who requested him to
call al her house, No 328 Thompson street, next
day, to prescribe remedy tor neuralgia; that he
did so, leaving prescription; that two weeks after
she called again and requested a second visit; that
on visiting her in accordance with this request he
was for the first time informed OF the true state
OF her case; that she urged him to help her out Of
the difficulty, and to complete operation which
| some one Else had begun, saying she was church
member. had grown up family, and rather than
to divulge her secret but positively refused to give
j quit tho AoHse.. Several physicians employed al
caused death did not proceed, in their opinion
that the larcerations discovered could not hav
been performed within the space OF two hours
The testimony was concluded on Wednesday, AM
yesterday Judge Bedford delivered his charge AM
gave the case to the jury
After five hours consultation the jury returne
. verdict OF not guilty and Gyles was discharged
Wilmington daily gazette. [volume] (Wilmington, Del.) 1872-1874, 1872-06-22
The Austrian Day at the Boston
Jubilee.

BosToS. June IL At the Coliseum this after
noon the audience AS tu!iy equal ia uambers and
enthusiasm To that OF yesterday. As the day was
dedicate, 10 Austria, the Kaiser Overture" ded-
icated IT, the Emperor Francis Joseph was per
formed by the orchestra, and created great pnthu-
siasm Madame PcSohka ltutner excelled all her
previous Efforts She iirst sang Il cayatlua from
the frat act al Ernan,." winch was encored
when she gave Abts beautiful Good Night Nv
Dearest Chi,d. under Ants direction 1t was
not without many acknnwlcl Icurnts that the
Lady was allowed to leave the platform.
Strauss rrpeat' his beautiful Blue DAN
ube, " and on AN encore gave his Pilzicato
Polka, which set the entire audience dancing
in their seats a. the great leader danced his
time on the platform.
| The popular feature Of the day was the per
| tormance of the English Grenader Guards
Band, vino gave an overture to '>emeranide
and several Other selections, the effect OF
which was electrical Madame Rudersdrof
was led to the platform, when the applaus,
subsidized and awaited Il solo opportunity Go,
save the Queen. The refrain was led by tn,
gifted lady, accompanied by the Grenade
Band, chorus, orchestra and cannon, and tn
solo was sung through with first effect. TIL,
applauie was unbounded. and when the ban
added their allegro in repetition, the choru
and audience insisted on joining, The gran
, organ followed, aud for a few minutes til
scene was beyond description.
Wilmington daily gazette. [volume] (Wilmington, Del.) 1872-1874, 1872-06-22

.ro s.e them on the way will be a refreshing
sctacle, and to hear tho Gazette proposing ''Three
Eheer, for Horace Greeley" might well provoke
aplos,ye laughter from an anchorite.- CONNER
Sral
That is altogether too true. The mention of
,ch thing looks like an awkward joke-one,
Aowsvsr. at which we are, III the present condi-
ion of affairs, unable to raise a smile. Mr.. Gree
ev has been anything else than Democrat. and
vs feel it to be AN honest duty to tell our friends
That his nomination even by the Baltimore Con-
ysutiou would be u "hard pill for US to swallow;
and heavy blow to the prospects OF carrying
delaware for the Democratic ticket. We have
made many sacrifices; but none like this one. II
vs did not believe that strsight-out democrat
could easily be elected we would not feel 1t &c
much. W. don't know how to cheer for Radi
cal, and 60 far as that is concerned will have t.
turn such propositions over to such as are les
strong in the faith in which we were bsptised.
Nevertheless if Greeley could be elected an
our farming and.shlpping interests get from unde
the heel of their present oppressors. We woul
not regret having made the sacrifice. But to vot
for Grssley and fail aftsrwsrd! II ws do thi
the Commercials joke will be grim one indeet
and shculd Greeley 10 elected the brow OF ou
neighbor will be grimmer.