The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-07-12
Humorous.


conciliate The Southern vote? 11l'
A girl in Mount Pleasant, ILL.,, found
life burden because she was afflicted
with warts on her hands, so she drown.
ed herself. There was something appro-
pirate in her seeking a wartery grave.
An Iowa man is still chuckling in his
sleeve over the way In which he sold
an unsOphisticated brewer in his neigh
borhood by ''swapping' his wife for a
barrel Of beer. ~ 7HAsr ...-
or the many Poles immigrsting to
this country Ii Is remarked that very
large percentage are journeymen tailors.
This is doubtless owing to the mutual
attraction between the needle and the
Pole.
a Judge sentencing prisoner to be
hung said he hoped IL would prove a
warning to him. 1t did-the chap has
not committed a crime since.
"Spank this boy and send him home,n
is the label which anxious Detroit
mothers stick on their boys when they
send them out to play.
Wisconsin boasts that one fits mos
| quitoes would be more than q match for
six of the Jersey gallinippers. The
lumbermen say that the holes bored
through four-inch planks by these in
sects ruin them for market.
The Cleveland Leader thinks it has
enough poetry on hand to last until
next fall, but If the spring is backward,
and the fires have to be kept up, 1t will
probably need more.
Lord Baxheld, the Scotch Judge, once
said to an eloquent culprit at the BAR
"You're vera clever cheil, mon but
Pm thinking ye wad be name the waur
O hangin.'
a constable in Ohio lately testified as
follows: 81 know nothing of her but
what hear the neighbors say; and, in
my opinion, what woman says of
another is not worthy of belief"
A French journalist recently put out
Which shows that, like other things in
erly requires more frequent practice
than Frenchmen usually give to it.
BY one of those singular freaks which
electricity occasionally displays, Rhode
Island was struck by lightning, during
a shower last week, without the shock
being felt by any onein the adjoining
States.
Here is an item for poor young men:
Romeo was a selfmade elephant. He
came to this country without dollar
in his trunk, took Greeley's advice,
went west, and died recently worth Sl0,-
900.
A newly converted reporter thus nc
tices minstrel troupe: "For thosewho
do not consider it a sin to witness min
strel shows, this entertainment will fur
nish pleasant relaxation from revival
meetings."
A baby lately had the misfortune to
swallow the contents Of an ink-bottle.
Its mother, with wonderful presence of
mind, Immediately administered box
of steel pens and two sheets of foolscap
paper, and the child has felt write in.
side ever since
A Bloomington, H., man scalped
friend by accident lately, merely, to
show how it was done, supposing he
had the back instead Of the edge of the
knife. The friend has now thorough
conception of the operation. -
A Boston paper says: ga hand.o or
ganist comes round to our Office every
day or two and plaintively grinds out
NpOub SOulo liOlllc lSdl COllt
home.' He is informed that he need
not como here again. The old man went
home yesterday"
An Indiana paper has this scandal:
Owensburg, Green county, shipped 120
barrels Of whisky to Kentucky, last
week, to be manufactured into seventy
year old Bourbon. The process will
occupy about forty-elght hours.
On count of noses, the authorities OF
Grant county, Wisconsin, found that
Mr.. Clark has five more than the regu-
lar number of wives, and assessed him
$40 per wife. OF course he could not
raise that amount with so many wives
to support, and now languishes in Jail
at Patch Grove.
One Denver gentlemen shot another,
and was promptly arrested Constructing
the pavement" He was discharged
when he clearly demonstrated that the
way the deceased stood, it was impossi-
BILE to shoot him In any way so that he
would not fall on the sidewalk.
The modern woman when she has
nail to drive doesn't wait for her hus-
band to come home. She catches hold
of the nail as she would into the hair ofa
recreant son, swings the hammer over
her head and plunges downward. ThCn
she ties up her fingers as we'll as she can,
puts on her best honnet and goes right
over to her mothers for a good cry, aud
her tea.
The question at country tea-party
turning on the imprOpriety Of mixing
up cakes with pinch OF snuff in the
fingers, q lad remarked that he had seen
his mother do it, and never drop q bit
Of snuff. "Why, my son." said the
lady, show can you lie sop "Wcll,
mothor,' he replied, "may be you did
drop a little"
1t is told of a young gentleman whom
maiden liked but father didn't, that
at reasonable (?) hour the old gcul
mildly intimated that tho time for re-
tiring had arrived. 81 think you are
correct, my dear sir" answered nino
teeth century, mOdestly, tive have been
waiting over an hour for you to put
yourself in your little bed" BathGr re-
Tired thoughtfully. g.l
A gentleman who was a mighty hun
| ter was plagued with degenerate son,
who manifested no great prediction
for his fathers pursuits. One day he
exclaimed, in the bitterness of his NOR
llllNttNloi, Nuoo nv - y w ~ ~
gettin' perfectly worthless; you'll
neither hunt nor fish. Ill be hanged
if don't send you to school,"
The Paducah KentuckiaH tells this /:
SIN one of our neighboring towns, ono
evening, recently, some Good Templar
posted up notice calling for a meeting
at one of the churches in the place, fOi
the purpose of organizing a lodge OF
Good Templars. In a few minutes after
the notice had been put up the saloon
keepers stuck up Immediately under il
the following Offset notice; "Atten.
tiou -! Free drinks to night at all the
saloons in town." No lodge was formed
thsre that night.
| PHILADELPHIA PRACTICK.-If 6
resident of the city, gos out to attend
lodge and come home just as the clock
is striking one, two or three times, you
buy "eaudle." 1t is little paste
board box containing fried oysters
sandwiches and other accessories of q