Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1872-03-01
HunlOr.

Westart for the church at sfsharp three"
HumOr.
The wrong side-Suicide.
An unpleasant suit-Aaw.suit.
A bath for everybody-Sab-bath.
Happiness is internal, not external.
A relative beauty-a pretty cousin.
The end Of candle is to give light.
How to get roaring trade-buy men,
agerie.
Romantic death-A young lady drowned
in tears.
When is a small baby like big banker
When he is wroth.child
What was the first step they took in the
sugar business? Raising Cain.
The man who ran away from his creditors
resolved to stop and take arrest.
All the difference-the ancients urned
their dead, the moderns earn their living.
A barnyard poet gives new reading Of
Shakespeare thus: SEA native and to the ma
nure born"
Old maids view old bachelors like they
would dog in dog days, though they are
net afraid Of the bite.
Many child sings-I want to be an an
gel, who would be more satisfactory if he
wanted to be good boy
Boy you are not far from fool. We'll,
as we amt more than three feet apart give
in to that was the reply. r
An Illinoisian recently kissed the hired
girl while his wife was looking He hopes
to be out again by Christmas, @
Grocers don't get much credit for charity
although it is we'll known that they give
nearly all their goods weigh.
Josh Billings says: MKT tew the man
who IL wuth millyun. in point Of wealth
IL tho man who don't care a cuss for it.
A Western editor IN acknowledging the
gift of peck Of onions, says: SIT is eucl.
kindness as these that bring tears to our
eyes"
A musical whiskey bottle is the lates,
combination Of art and convenience in Ma
con, Ga. Everybody is drinking out of it
and wondering
A minister not long ago preached from
the text, "Be ys there steadfast," but the
printer made him expound from '.Be ye
there for breakfast"
A Judge sentencing a prisoner to lie
hung, said he hoped it would prove warn
ing to him. 1t did-the chap has not COM
mitted crime since.
1t has been said that the only ofice-hold-
ers who leave Washington permanently are
those who are sent to the penitentialy
None resign or decline voluntarily.
A student at Yale started the class at
recitation the other day. what stars new
er set 2" asked the Professor, and "Roos-
tars!" was his prompt reply sub voce.
Susan B. Anthoney says she wouldn't
marry the best man in the country. There
is no doubt that the best man in the country
endorses the decision Of the century plant.
A little boy embodied his thoughts on
theology in words thus-'I don't see how
the devil came to turn out so bad when
there was no other devil to put him up to
it."
A lady correspondent wishes to know the
meaning of ''stag parties" They are en-
tertainments whereat bucks usually get
enough additional horns to make them stag.
ger.
Say Jones What's the matter With your
eye? "Oh, nothing, only my wife said this
morning you'd better get up and light the
fire, [ told her to make it herself that's
ALL"
Rumor has it that beautiful young lady
not yet out of her teens has declined six Of
fers Of marriage. If this is SO she should
be called alay'bolIe for Sringing so many
hearts.
An Irish doctor advertises that all per-
sons afflicted with deafness may hear of him
in house in Diffey street, where also blind
persons may see him daily from three till
ten o'clock
A Western journalist, whose wife had
just presented him with twins, and who, for
this reason, was compelled to neglect bis
paper for one day, wrote the day after the
following excuse 1--WE were unable to is
sue our paper yesterday in consequence Of
the arrival of two extra males"
An old bachelor EDITOR, thus in his spite. !
comments on recent moonlight night -
ave left our sanctum at midnight last
night on our way home we saw young la.
dy and gentleman holding gate on the
hinges. They we're evidently indignant at
being kept out SO late as we saw them bite
each other often.
A dandy Of twenty-six having been term.
ed an old bachelor, appealed to an elderly
gentleman to decide whether be should be
called old or not, giving his age.
s'Twenty-six J" said the elderly gentle.
man 'it is owing to how you take it Now,
for man it is young enough but for
goose it is rather old" MIA
A genuine down-easter was lately essay.
ing to appropriate slice of exceedingly
tough beef at dinner in Wisconsin hotel
His.convulsiye efforts with bis knife and
fork attracted the smiles of the rest, in the
same predicament with himself. At last
.Jonathan's patience vanished under Tissue
cess, when laying down his utensils, he
burst forth:
"Strangcr, you needn't laugh; if you
haiut got any regard for the landlords feel
ings, you ought to have some for the old
bull"