The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1872-09-06
AFunny Chapter about Babies.

OF all the created critters, said Miss
Priscilla Prymm, emphatically 1 dc,o
desoise a baby! 1 used to reckon a
snake the most hateful; but q body
knows in general where to look for
snakes, and how to keep clear of 'em,
whereas there is no getting out OF the
way of baby. Go where you will, in
town or country, on land or sea, you
find the pestiferous little critters; aud
as for street cars and steamboats,, a
body thinks they were made for their
special accommodation. If l was a
railroad president, or a steamboat COM
pany. I'd have "babies,' rs well as
.sladies,n cars; and the wonder to me
is that is hasn't been done before this /;
twould pay sure.
The first thing baby does is to
hOller, and it hOllers till it's old enough
to use its hands and feet as well as its
voice. and then the mischief it does do
is beyond calRilation. Why, Pve had
nv ink bottle upset on my new list
carpet. and my best chiny tea set, with
the yallor rosebuds on 'em, Knocked
off the table-leastways a plate and
two cups; and my "Book of Beautiful
Extracts THAT was given me by
Fortified Grubbs before he took to
keepin' company with the bold mink
Arathusy WilsOn) torn to atoms
almost. And all by a baby; or least
wise by variety of 'em, for they're
alike as q basket of peas. And what's
most aggravaiin' of all is the foolish
mothers excusin' the "little dar!ings"
on the score of "cuttin their teeth" or
"being SO remarkably precious" or
something else equally interesting.
I've always noticed that whatever
badness baby is guilty of, it's always
set down by it's mother to eitner lts
teeth or its smartness. -
l wonder what the worrying little
varmints are made for and why nature
couldn't have sent folks into the world
ready grown up, or at least old enough
| to be of some use Now, what earthly
use is a baby, l should like to know
| A little shapeless lump of flesh and
blood, with it's bald head lollop'ng on
one side, and its two google eyes star
ing straight at nothing, and its fiabby
fists catching at eoerythiDg i'm its way,
CRYING at everything sensible, and
grinning at everything foolish. And
what nonsense they dew talk to theli
babies! Why, twas only just now
I heard Mrs. SimmOndS, next door
chattering on the back step to thai
bald headed monkey of hers. Mud.
der's only darlin' itty piggy-wiiggy
Is he hoongry Den he sell hab one
tacker for eaty. One nicey-ticey itty
tacker for mudder's itty precious plum
pie, apple dumpling, sugar-tandy
baby!" Bah! its enough to make
body sick, and /, for one, don't woli
der that children are so long in learn
ing to talk plainly, with such outland
ish gibberish ding donged into thei
ears day and night. 70 my mind 1T:
more barbarouS than French Injury.
And the ridiculous way in which
some folks deu dress their babies! AL
smOthered in satin, and feathers, ant
laces, and furs, for all the world ike
milliner's figger head. l declare q
goodness that / sometimes feel sor
of pity for 'cm jest as when l see or
gangrinder's monkey sewed up Ill
: wooden swOrad by his side, SHOWING
off to a grinning crowd in the streets
, and which of the two is most iaffabl
Pm sure it's hard to tell.
sInnOcents, indeed! Jest as if the.
!. don't know the badness they're about
and don't mean to dew it! Why, Nv
seen 'em kick, and stretch, and bite
. and scratch, and pull peoples hal
like young grizzlies; and to this ga
} YOU can't convince me that Mis-
, Jones' baby didn't mean it when tn
; little wretch grabbed hold of my ne,
curls as 1 was pretendin' to kiss
afore Deacon Peabody (the week ate
: poor, dear Miss Peabody departed thl
life, it was,l and pulled the hull o
'em right off afOre his face, comb an
all! If it hadn't a'been for that
might hev-but, ahem! AL! that
can now say is that Pm not likely
| be pestered out of my life with one
e the ugly, dirty, good-for-nothing, lit
l varmints. OF all the troubles an
trials of this mortal state and valley
P of tears, deliver me fIOm Od6y!-
f Godey's Lady's Book.