Alexandria gazette. [volume] (Alexandria, D.C.) 1834-1974, 1872-09-14
ILEXA. GAZETTEER & VIRGINIA ADVERTISER.
Sandy Higgins and the Widow.

One day Sandy came to my Office and sat
down without word. For minutes he sat still
watching me intently as fhe was trying to make
out by the sound of my pen what | was writing.
Squire" said he at length, "did | ever tell
you about my scrape with the widow Horny, up
here on the river?'
Never did, said I, laying down my pen,
lets have it."
They re curious creatures, widows is, " said
he, in a meditative tone, land the more you
study about 'em the more youidon't know any
thing about EN-. What is that thing l We read
in Egypt, or some other country that nobody
could unriddle?'
The Sphinx, probably" replied.
'Well," he continued, "that was widow as
sure as you every had granny. Everything
else on earth has been found out but them. and
they re as much mystery to-day as the North
Pole. You may read the history Of the world
from Genesis to Revelations, and you'll hnd
that widows has been at the bottom or top of
five-quarters of all develment that's cut up.
Was you ever in love with one?
''Lots of them, said l.
You re great gander-that is what you
are i said he. "A man that loves one and
gets over it won't never git bit by another, if
he's got as much sense as a common ground
hog. | don't consider that I've got any sense
at ALL but I'm little grain too smart to let
another of them get all the trumps on me.
This Widow Horny that l was speaking Of, is
little the handsomest woman, | reckon, that
ever looked man iuto fits, and | ought to be
Judge, for I've seen lots OF pretty women IN
my days. She was about twenty five years
old when went up there to work, jest IN the
bloom of her beauty, and as full of devlltry as
a three -year-old mule colt. There was a bail
over at Jenkins and OF course l went, tor L
always gc where there's any fun going on,
and generally act the fool before get away, Of
course The widow was there dressed as fine
as one of Solomon lilies, and flying around as
frisky as young lamb in q rye patch. got
introduced to her and asked her to dance with
me, and when she said yes, jumped up like
Id sot down on lot of fire live Goals. You may
talk about your sensation, but when she took
hold of my hand and | sorter squeezed 1t, l
felt a sensation as big as a load OF wood and 1t
kept running up and down my back like cat
squirrel with hawk after him. I'm very
fond of dancing, but III be hanged if could
tell exactly whether | enjoyed it that night or
not for every time she took hold of my hand
I'd commerce feeling curious behind the ears
aud up and down my back again, and then L
wouldn't know whether | was on earth or ln
balloon; or on comet, or anything, about IT.
1t was undoubtedly case Of love at first sight,
der, got through the frolic without making
myself conspicuous or cutting up any extras,
as IN 10 the habit of doing when L go into
public I'd set my pegs to go home with the
widow when the ball ended, but just as | was
fixing nv mouth to ask her, up steps long,
lather-taced doctor named Mabry, and walked
her off right before my eyes. That riled me a
little, but | kept my tongue still, lnWardly
swearing to break his bones the very first op-
portunty that offered itself | saw there was
no use saying anything, SO went home and
went to bed, and all the rest OF the night was
dreaming about rain bows, angels, butterflies
fddles, widows and doctors, all mixed up worse
than Dutchman s dinner.
''Well, Squire, to make short story OF It, |
made up my mind to have the widow, or kill
myself and somebody else.
so made it tconvenient to be on hand where
she was on all occasions. 7 couldn't eat or sleep
and if the thing had held on I would ut ha We
had sense enough to skin rabit. But was
determined it should ut last long, for ID been
fooled SO often by women that | thought would
MT give her time to think of anything but me.
She appeared to take to me right sharply, and
though the doctor seemed inclined to mix 1t
with me, did mt consider him more IN the
way than brush fence, for was SO far gone
that thought she could ntsee nobody on earth
but me. Well, Squire things went on so for
about month and one Sunday screwed up my
spuuk and put the question to her. She sorter
looked one-sided and finally told me she could
mt give me an a"swer Just then' but II call
at her house next Thursday evening, she'd
give me final answer. Thinks |, you are mine
lust as sure as there are fddlers below When
ever woman takes time to study she'll say
YES Squire, don't poets say something about
the calculations of men and rats goln crooked!
Mice and men, Burns says, answered
"Well, mice and rats is all one, and SO is
men and fools sometimes, as I've found out 10
INV travels. | was so sure she'd have me |
went off and spent all my money tor fne clothes,
thinking | d have them ready tor the wedding
and did Confound her ! Thursday even
ing come at last, though it was long time
about it, and over | went, dressed into hts, and
feeling as big as Josh Mayor did when ne was
elected coroner. Got there at dark and found
a right smart crowd collected, which was not on
the bills, but felt as big and as good as the rest
of 'em. So marched in, like blind mule !n-
to potato patch, and took seat by the hre
I did Mt see anything of the widow, but kept
looking for her to come 10 or send tor me- ana
passed away the time by cussn the crowd to
myself thinking they had no business there,
and would not get to talk to my woman bit. ut
Presently door opened and in walked Folly
aud that dod burned doctor, and whole team
of boys and girls fixed up savagey, tell you.
looked around for fiddler, thinking they
were going to have ball l.; but wondered
what they all kept so still land was about pro-
posing reel, when up steps little preacher'
and before you could swallow live oyster ne
had Polly and the doctor married faster than
a Mexican greaser could tie bulls horns l
was so completely fummuxed that | set there
with my mouth open like was going to swal
low the whole crowd, and my eyes looked like
two billiard balls till the ceremony was all over
when jumped up and bellered: >,
81 forbid the thing from being constituted !!
You are a little too late. my triend? says
the preacher; and they all commenced laugh
ing like they'd seen something very funny
''I'll be durn squizzled if | don be soon
r. vat souS | L