The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1872-04-26
HUMOROUS.


A lady in Atlanta tied her hui
bands hands and feet the other das
just for fun, and then went throu1
his pockets for q certain bfiReEdost
and found it His physicians tel
him his face wont be badly Scared
though he may remain perInanentl,
bald.
A Juvenile Barnum at YirRini.
City, Nevada, recently painted u
his little brother as q Sioux. ans
was doing thriving business ex
hibiting him as . captured son Of
Spotted TAIL" at twenty-five cent
ticket, when the mother appeared
among the patrons of. the show,
recognized tho features Of her Of.
spring through the red ochro and
lamp black, and put q sudden end
to the exhibition. The manager OF
the enterprise was nine years old.
Mr.. Casio, of Detroit, turned .
man from his boarding-house, and
now languishes under the receipt OF
such letters as this: E-SUR-Pll fol-
low you 20 yeres to strik you in the
bak. You half dedly inculted me
by repoarts aboute my character
witch no Gentleman would hev
thought of doing that way and you
she'll no what it is to incnlt better
foxes than You git rsddy TO di.'Ffs..'
Misfortunes never come singly.
A man in Monroe, Connecticut, lost
his barn by fire last fall. Two
months later his horse was injured
kn 10 L.
after he lost several hundred pounds
of tobacco by q wind unroofing the
shed in which it was stored, and
now his wife mother has come to
stay with him. ...I Es
A New Haven M. D. has disc0v-
cred successful way of silencing
the clamors of his landlord. When
that grasping parsonage calls for
the payment OF his rent the doctor
quietly shows him q skeleton in the
inner room, and tells him "that man
came here just two weeks ago with
q bill" This is regarded as cquivs-
lent to o settlement in full.
Real estate in San Francisco con-
tinues unsteady" 1t is getting to
be bad place for tall men and five
story buildings. As an offset to
this, however, person may have
the appearance of being drunk with
out blame, while a drunken man,
balanced at every step by the
movement" in real estate, might
walk the streets without exciting
as to his sobriety.
A Connecticut fisherman one day
Dated his hook with a live frog.
After patiently waiting for some
line for a bite, as he chatted with
his friend, he found that his liv ely
1ait had swum ashore, and was sit
ing quietly on rock by his side.
He wound up his line and went
home.
AT a recent trial the counsel for |
he prosecution, after severely cross.
q witness, suddenly put |
IN look of severity and exclaim- I
ID: ''Now, sir, was not an effort |
made to induce you to tell differ
mt story ?" GA different story from
What L have told, do you mean ?"
That's what / mean" eyes. sir
everal persons have tried to get me
o tell me a different story from
What have told, but they couldn't"
Now, sir, upon your oath, wish
o know who those persons are"
Well, you've tried about as hard as
ny of them"
A colored member of the Texas
legislature was recently seen with a
oil of green-backs in his hand, over
which he chuckled so loudly as to
tract the attention of a bystander,
7ho said to him, "Jim, what are
gu laughing at p Jim replied,
You see that money 2" "Yes."
Well, boss; I just got that for my
ote. Use been bought four or five
ines in my life, and dis is de fust
Ime I ever got de cash myself. |
A Danbury man distinguished
imself, the other. evening, by going
n what is systematically designated
q tear" and while thus located I'M
invited some thirty or
orty persons to dine with him the
ext day. When he arrived home
rom the store at noon, he was
fairfield to find various strange peo-
lie carelessly strewn from the gate
D the stoop, and spread out on the
ard in groups of twos and threes.
he first impression was that some
hing sickening had happened, but
n learning the true state of affairs
e was so overpowered by gratitude
hat he cheerfully engaged with his
wife in pouring hot water
N those of his guests who seemed
to milder arguments.
A facetious individual not many
niles from Danbury, sought to
draw his wife out' by pretending
o be found dead, with an empty
audnum vial by his side. And the
ady was a good deal shocked at
Irst, but having read that a needle
Introduced into the human flesh
would indicate on its surface wheth-
+ that flesh was dead, and being a
woman of eminent prscticability,
he at once armed herself with q
,olished instrument of nearly two
inches growth, and with throbbing
Ieart and bated breath introduced .
.ood share of lis length into an ap-
,ropriate portion of the deceased.
What the surface of the needle real
v indicated was not learned, as he
ook it with him as he passed
through the sash.