The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-03-01
Humorous.


required to furnish the missionary
themselves.
"Assaults, with intent to become in
sane," is the way they put it now in
announcing homicidal attacks.
Woman first tempted man to eat
He took to drinking on his own ac-
count.
During a recent cold snap, county
court in Texas had to adjourn until the
county could borrow five dollars of the
deputy sheriff to buy fuel for heating
the courtroom.
Such is the dread of small. pox at the
West that one of the papers there sug-
gestGd that the State arms be vaccin.
ated.
A young lady of Indianapolis, whose
sisters funeral occurred last week, ex-
cused herself from attending the obse-
quies by saying that her own wedding
was to take place the same evening, and
tho funeral wouldn't leave her In good
spirits for the pleasurable accompani.
ments of the latter occasion; besides,
she had no time
The following is fashionable way
to play three. handed game of cards in
Texas. The first holds the cards, the
second q revolver, and the coroner the
inquest.
The Baptists of Lafayette, Ind, are
at loggerheads on the question, "Shall
the blocks for the Nicholson pavement
be sprinkled or immersed"' Work is
suspended until the question shall be
decided.
A Western girl, who has been well
hrnnnht knnokc dnuyn
that kisses her, and she is so pretty that
half the married and all the single men
in town have black eyes.
A Danbury German is named Wach-
schleighemshamel. How would you
like to stand on back stoop, with the
thermometer IL degrees below zero, aud
call that chap in TO breakfast?
A romantic pair were blessed with
number of daughters, the eldest of
whom was named Caroline, the second
Madeline, the third Evaline, the fourth
Angeline, and the fifth Evangeline.
Finally, a sixth daughter was born to
them, and for time they could find no
name for it with the desired termination
when suddenly the mother exclaimed,
81 have it: we'll name her Crinoline !"
and it was done.
Rev. George Moore, of Edinburgh,
was riding, one snowy day, muffied up
in Spanish cloak, and with woman's
shawl tied around his neck and shoul-
ders. These garments, Tapping in the
wind, startled the horse of "commer-
cial traveller" who met the divine, and
who, irritated at the plunging of his
steed, exclaimed, "You would frighten
the devil, sir!" "Maybe," answered
Mr.. Moore, "for it's just my trade"
Who is the straightest man mention
ed in the Bible? Joseph-because Pha-
roah made ruler of him.
A man in Berea, Ohio, has had hard
time trying to part with the family cat.
He has drowned her twice, shot four
| teen rifle balls through her vitals, given
her half a pound of strychnine, COM
mitted hari kari on her with a pitch
fork, and the only effect perceptible Is a
trif1e more tone to her voice and bay
window over one eye.
A man in Memphis, desiring to see
the Grand Duke, took off his coat, and
carried large Saratoga trunk on his
shoulders up stairs, thus avoiding the
police, who had strict orders to keep all
strangers out of the Peabody House.
After carrying two-hundred- pound
trunk up two flights of stairs, he didn't
see the Grand Duke, and found some-
body had stolen his coat.
| A Chinaman, who had his nose bit off
in fight in San Francisco, had it care.
fully packed and sent back home, to
show his friends one of the American
customs.
The Chicago Post claims to have ON
its editorial staff lady of extraordina-
ry abilities. The editor says he "never
knew any one who could write with
equal ease upon so singular range of
topics with information SO exact in de-
tall" WhereupOn an envious contem-
porary asks the Post why it never pub
fishes any of her articles?
Two colored boys at Wallingford,
Conn.,, hunted raccoons the other day,
one of them climbing the tree and stir
ring up the "varmints," while the 9TH
or blazed away from below. They got
four 'coons, and the youngster who stir.
red them up got forty-five buckshot in
his leg.
A laughable thing took place at re-.
vival meeting somewhere in Mississip-
pi not long since. The minister notic-
ed seedy looking chap in one of the
seats, looking as though he needed re-
ligion or good square meal. So he
stepped up to him and asked If he was
christian. "No, SIR" said he; 81 am
an editor of the radical paper in this
place"
"Then, in the name of God, let us
pray!" replied the devoted minister.
A definition of the difference between
the "Old School" and "New School,
has been given thus 1.-THE children OF
Old School Presbyteriaus ain as soon as
they are born, and the children of New
School Presbyterians as soon as they
know howw
The enterprising individual who is
organizing brass band of twenty wo'
men in Cincinnati, says If they learn
half so many "airs" as they put on, the
experiment cannot fail to be a success.
The wife of member of the Arizona
; Legislature, whose house, when hei
husband was absent on his legislative
r duties, was attacked by Indians, shot
, six, and the next day wrote to her hus'
band, "Dear John, the Apaches attack,
: ed the rancho. l have won the fight
l You need not come yourself, but send
t some more ammunition
D A Western editor, who doesn't know
: much about farming anyway, suggests
a that for garden-making a cast iron back
: with a hinge in 1t, would be an i'm
provement on the spinal column now
In use.
Artemus Ward was on O slow Califor
MIA train, and he went to the conductor
and suggested that the COW catcher was
on the wrong end of the train ; for
said he, "You will never overtake &
cow, you know, but If you'd put it or
: the other end, it might be useful, fol
Q now there's nothin' on earth to hendel
4 u cow from walkin' right in and bitin
= the folks !"
o In an article on a recent fair in tha
. city, the editor of Macon paper, say
a brother editor, took valuable pre-
MUM, but an unkind policeman mad
d him put it right back where he too
3 1t from.
u An alliterative Illinois reporter fail
t ers the following:
a HParson Palmer of padOla Is IN