Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1872-12-19
Varieties.

In PREss-Apples.
A STAMP you can't buy-The stamp
| of gentleman.
A ROMANTIC death-A young lady
| drowned in tears.
AN intoxicated man was detected
last night in an attempt to pick the
pocket of billiard table.
The first exclamation of an Ameri-
can belle on entering the cathedral at
Milan, was "Oh, what a church to get
married IMP
"ANYTHIN' (hic) set up?" inquired an
inebriated editor, as he came among his
printers. Qloth the foreman, "Yes; the
editor"
sis that marble?' said gentlemen,
pointing to the bust of Kentucky's great
statesman. "No, sir; that's Clay?" qui-
city replied the dealer.
CANT it wicked to rob dis ere hen
roost, Jim?" "Dat's great moral ques-
ton, Gumbo; we amt got time to argue
it now-hand down another pullet."
AN Irishman, on being told that
newly invented stove would save just
half his usual fuel, replied: "Arrah,
then, I'll have two, and save it all, my
jewel"
Mr.. ALEXANDER II. STEPHENS, ex-Con-
federate Vice President, is now sole edi-
tor of the Atlanta (Ga.) Sun, Mr.. j.
Healy Smith, the managing editor, hav-
ing retired.-
WHEN Shakespeare wrote about pa
tience on a monument, did he refer to
doctors patients? No. How do you
know he didn't? Because you always
| find them under a monument.
The editor of Western paper writes:
"My wife and have separated. As We
| both wanted to be boss, and as she was
likely to beat me, L lett her. She says
she will nail me yet, and L believe
| her."
As gentleman was telling his friend
that mutual acquaintance was sent to
the penitentiary for gross intoxication,
he was asked why he did not bail him
out. "Bail him outr' he replied, "why,
you couldn't pump him out"
A GROCER being solicited to contribute
to the building of church, promptly
subscribed his name to the paper in the
following eccentric manner: "John
Jones 1.-THE only place in town where
you can get eleven pounds of good su-
gar for dollar), twenty five cents"
QUEEN ELIZABETH died leaving 5000
dresses, but before her death she issued
/ a proclamation against extravaganza in
| dress. Her wardrobe was the work of
| the woman, her proclamation was the
work of the Queen. Women have adj
mired her dress, but neglected her adj
dress.
A CLEAR-HEADED Kentucky editor says:
| ga venerable gentleman of this city was
run into on Second street, day or two
ago. and tumbled into mud-puddle by
a pig. The gentleman was promptly
taken up and lodged in the pound, and
his owner fined twenty dollars. He
was afterward sold, as the law re-
quires."
A HANDSOME young Yankee peddler
made love to a buxom widow of Penn
sylvania, but accompanied his declara-
ton with an allusion to two impedl-
ments to their union. "Name them"
said the widow. "The want of means
to set up a retail store is one of them,"
he replied. They parted, and the wild
ow sent the peddler ample means.
When they met again the peddler had
hired and stocked his store, and the
smiling fair one begged to know the
other impediment. "I have wife al
ready" cried the peddler.
A LAWYER, who was sometimes forget
full, having been engaged to plead the
cause of an offender, began by saying
81 know the prisoner at the bar, and he
bears the character of being a most
consummate and impudent scoundrel. p"
Here somebody whispered to him that
the p isoner was his client, when he
Immediately continued: "But what
great and good man ever lived who was
not illuminated by his contempora-
ries ?"