Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1872-06-06
Humorous Headings.


Humorous Headings.
/ Hardware-Old clothes.
Foul play-Cock fighting.
Home rule-Curtain lectures.
Attached couples-Oyster shells.
Prymate-An inquisitive wife.
Relative beauty-A pretty cousin.
The first sun shade was an eclipse.
Ass-assination-Donkey slaughter.
Hop Notwithstanding masters.
\ soliciter-general-A poor beggar.
y new name for fog-The air .appa-
rent.
4 man in the write place-An editor
Dice are not always the square thing.
Mill privilege-Kissing a pretty fac
tory girl.
The cry of celestial hypocrites-cant-
Wood nymphs-Ladies' school board
ers.
To make both ends meet-bow very
low.
Hard words mostly flow from soft
heads.
The keeper of the Great Seals lives
in Greenland.
The inspiration of some poets is only
-ginspiratiOn after all
If a brick layer were called brick he
need not feel mortar-fied.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot?
No. not if they have go. any money.
Quilp wants to know if horse marines
are mounted on fleet horses.
Why are lawyers like ivy ?-Because
the greater the ruin, the closer they
cling.
The most suitable address for a
small provision dealer-Grocer grow,
sir.)
Which are the most seasonable clothes
for all the seasons? Pepper and salt.
Come, sheer off, as the ram said to
the man who was cutting off his wool
Out West they call a bribe a "pe-
cuniary compliment" and say no more
about it.
What oath is commonly used by
mammas when the fire gets low? BLOW
the fire :"
When does a ship display a propensi-
ty for climbing? When she runs up
her flag.
OF what does philosopher in thread
bare garments remind one? The poor
suit Of knowledge.
The last novelty in sewing machines
is one that viii follow the thread of an
argument.
Punch says that ii Is very natural for
a man to feel girlish when he makes his
maiden speech.
Carpenters frequently become not on
ly bores, but also sometimes annoy peo-
PIE with their old saws
When does q man overcome the mac
tiyity Of an inanimate object? When
he makes an umbrella stand.
4 gamester once made a wooden house
out Of his winnings lie used to say it
was all made out of deals.
Hercules was a model husband rath-
er than stay out at night he invariably
carried his club home with him.
4 journalist. who is said TO be bald.
offers a reward of 81 900 for a tale that
viii make his hair stand on end.
4 western editor. in writing the obitu-
airy Of a respectable citizen, says that
he has gone TO that undiscovered
burn.
The imbibists in Portland are in des-
pair. The fayorite tune about town at
present is, Sweet spirit, hear my
PRAYER"
\ young country friend Of ours saws
That she never walks across her fathers
fields. because they're too stile-ish for
her.
The prisoner has very smooth
Yes lie was ironed
Just before he was brought In. That
accounts for If.
The hight Of stingincss might be said
to be cNcmTlified in the parsimony of
person who would grudge a steamers
@iGc its fuel.
Extraordinary mildncss Of the season;
The married man who stopped ont late
the other night found flea in his car
when he got home.
4 Virginia exchange says, al a concert
recently. at the conclusion Of the song,
There's a good time coming" a coun-
Try farmer got up and exclaimed
mister. you couldn't fix the date, could
you?"
10 Accounting for Taste !-Oid Dame
Now, Jennie, if you wash up your
dishes, make the room tidy, get through
your work early, and are very good
girl, perhaps, as a treat, III let you 90
and see old Butcher Briskett buried this
afternoon.
Mistress (to new housemaid) Jane,
Im quite surprised 10 hear you can't
read or write. I'm sure one of my
daughters would gladly undertake to
teach YOU" Maid-"O. Lor', mum, if
the young ladies would be 50 kind as to
learn me anything, | should like to play
the pianner."
Strait: A Difficulty diction-
aries Landlord Showing his honse to
possible tcnnant) - Every convenience,
you see. sir You enter The dining room
straight from the drawing room, Old
Hickopper- -Gshackly shol But if can
guar-guar 'ntee III be able to enter latt'r
Strailqh from form'r-wont sui me-
A contemporary tells this funny anec-
dote: wake up. here, and pay for
your lodging" said the deacon, as he
nudged a sleepy stranger with the con-
box. We were there, and we
heard the sleepy stranger murmur, with
a glance at the minister whose sermon
had narcotized him, ''Lodging and
bored too" re
Among the replies to an advertisement
of a music committee for candidate
for organist, music teacher, etc,
vacancy having occurred by the resigna-
ton Of the organist in Office, was the
following: Gentlemen, I..noticed your
for organist and music
teacher, either lady. or gentleman
Having been both for several years, |
offer Won nv services.