The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-04-12

Iich anu boys fOOStlnE around anC
watching me. The boys whistled upor
their fingers and made unpleasant re
marks. When I made q threatening
gesture several Of the men got Off the
fence suddenly and contcntod them.
solves with looking at me between the
rails. After q while four policemen
came up, in company with a physician
they united me, knocked me down with
> club, applied blister plaster to my
neck, and would have taken mo to the
asylum but for the timely interference
of some Of my friends.
And tho tornado has not come vet.
So you will perceive that the entire sys.
tenn is humbug; it is fraudulent it
needs TO be burst, l may say, into i'm
mortal smash, and smashed, in a certain
sense, into diminutivc smithereens; and
then L am going to arrange q plan by
which this business of thunder storms
and hurricanes can be reduced, as it
We're, for instance, to g condition of pos
itiye certainty.
The basis Of my system is corns. The
marvellous accuracy with which chang
c5 Of the weather can be foretold by
man whose feet are decorated with those
eXcrc5conces is SO well known tuat it is
hardly worth while to considerat length
at this particular crisis, the human corn
in lis meteorological characteristics. 1t
is quito certain, however, that it will be
impossible to expect the Probability
man to walk around the country once
or twice every day, for the purpose of
submitting his corns to the diverse at
mospheric influences which exist be.
tween the Atlantic and Pacific oceans.
1t would wear out any man to be COM
PEELED to visit each Of the States and
Territories every twenty.four hours
and at any rate, the weather in Massa.
chusetts might change suddenly after
his departure from there, and while he
was fOoling around Kansas.
1t will be better, therefore, to have |
him kept stationary. | propose, in
that event, that ne should buy up any |
available corn5 that is in the market in |
any given state, and have it transplant
ed and grated upon his own toe. Doubt
less there are patriotic citizens in every |
portion Of the land who would be will |
ing to lay upon the altar Of their be-
loved country their most cherished |
corns. l have one that can warrant |
to be tried and true in the meteorologi.
cal service, and l am ready to give it
up Instantly for the benefit of my fell
low countrymen if Congress will APP
propriatc few thousand acres Of pub.
lie land as compensation.
The Probability official might obtain,
let US assume, one corn from each State, |
and reliable bunion to represent each |
territory. When these were engrafted |
upon his feet in a beautiful condition,
each one would, as matter of course,
be peculiarly susceptible to the atmo
sphcric influences which prevail in its
native cline. All We have to do then.
is TO compel the weather man to wear
tight boots, exceptionally tight boots,
while he is not attending to business,
50 that his blrometers, may say, will
acquire the requisite amount of sensi.
bility. Then l should have pipes laid
from each State to the Office in Wash
ington for the purpose of conveying the
different varieties of atmosphere to the
foo. of the Probability person. Sup.
pose then he desired to make a guess in
regard TO the weather in Louisiana. I
should have man stationed at the end
Of the pipe in New Orleans with fan,
and he could watt zephyrs, as it were,
upon the Louisiana corn, which would
respond Instantly, and we should have
the facts about the weather in that State
with poctical precision and mathemati-
al accuracy. When we admitted new
State our friend could weld on Il new
,orn, or, if the Mormons succeeded in
the admission Of their terri.
1ry as a State, we could blow up the ,
tah bunion and plant corn so as to
preserve the properties. Tile capital.