The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1872-11-08

The most irredeemable bond rs yet
known are vagabOnds.
The key which Is the hardest to turn
Is the donkey.
The Penitentiary conyicts In an
Eastern State have been sentenced 10
a course Of lectures on moral science.
When people are sea-slck the thing
which they most arlenfiy desire Is to
feel sea-cllre.
A school committee In Kansas hav-
ing advertised for "a smart teacher, "
q man named Mustard applied for the
situation and was accepted.
A little girl was tenderly nursing
her sick doll, the other day, aud on her
mothers asking what allied it, she re-
piled, "It's got the Alabama clans very
bad.n
An Indiana town has the following
dog ordinace: Dogs that are not col-
Jared and labelled, no matter how re-
specially connected. viii have their
narratives a,nputated one inch south of
their ears"
Alta recent tair, a set of CODper's
works was promised to the author of
the best conundrum. A conspicuous
dandy was declared the winner, and
received q set of wooden pals made
by the village cooper.
my boy il not unruly!n indignant
ly exclaimed mother, whose son had
been accused of unruly conduct by his
teacher--''he is a good boy, but | ad-
NIT that he's often troubled with 4
rush Of temper to the BRAIN
An absent-minded man entered a
Troy shoe-store the other day, and
wanted his boy measured for a pair Of
shoes. but where's the boy?n said
the dealer. "ThuDder " said the man.
'I've left the boy at home; I'll go
and bring him, \ and offhe started for
his house, six blocks away.
''Do you know, y asked an old FAR
mer Of a politician, ''the difference be-
tween yourself and my speckled hen ~
The politician gave 1t up. ''Well,n
said the old farmer, ''the difference is
this she never cackles till she's laid
her egg, and you are cackling all the
time without ever laying any eggs at
ALL"
A waggish farmer in Ohio killed
forty black-snakes one day recently,
and buried them In sand pit. The
next day he sent his hired man
a Swede-- to dig fish worms in the
same place, and the size Of the worms
frightened the poor fellow nearly out
of bis senses, he fled ii terror from the
scene.
A gray-haired old man tried to get
aroom on Kearny street, San Francis
co, the other day. He asked the wo-
man who answered the bell: "Have
You q room to letsn
Yes" she replied, ''but-"
'But what?"
''You cannot have It,"
"Why not?n asked the old gentle
man.
'tYou are more than sixty years old,
are you not9'
Il am sixty-five. What Of that?'
''rhe landlady won't allow any tim-
erals from her house. y
Oliver Wendell Holmes, the doctor
who gives people fits--of laughing.
sent d letter to the postoffice ofa lady's
fair at Pittsfeld. On the first page
he wrote:
''Fair lady whosoevef thou art,
Turn this poor leafwith tenderest care
And hush, D hush thy breathing heart,
The one thou lowest will be there
On turning the "poor leaf' there
was found one dollar bill, with some
verses beginning:
Fair lady lift thine eyes and tell
Ifthis Is not truthful letter;
This Is the one t1) tilou lowest well,
And nonght lOl can make thee love
it better.n
A few years ago at a negro
campmeeting held near Flushing, the
colored preacher said
81 tell you, dubbed bredren, dat de
debel Is a big hog, an one ofdese days
he'll come along and root youall out"
An old negro, in one of the anxious
pews, hearing this, raised himself mp
from the straw, and clasplng his hands,
exclaimed in the agony Of his tears:
''Ring him, Lord! ring him Y
Young MILDLY Ito his uncle, who's
never seen the sea)-"You want to
know why the sea goes back, eh?
Well you see the waves are caused by
the little fishes wagging their tails;
then they swim away in order to get
caught by the fishing-smacks; and
then, as they can't live without water,
the sea follows them. This causes
high tide and low tide Uncle mar
yels at his nephew's knowledge.
A Connecticut fisherman one day
baited his hook with live frog. After
patiently waiting for some time for a
bite and chatting with a friend, he
found that his lively bait had swan
ashore and was quietly sitting on a
rock by his side. He wound up his
line and went home.