The Andrew County Republican. [volume] (Savannah, Mo.) 1871-1876, 1872-02-21
HUMOROUS.

The boys don't do things now like they
did when Noah Webster was making spell
ing books. An old man near Pieasantville,
the other day, found q rude boy posting
Lydia Thompson leg bills all over his door
yard fence, and desired him to desist but
the young sauce box told him plainly he
would not, and slapped up another naughty
picture. Wont YOU" said the old man !;
''then | will fetch you down." So he
pulled out a horse-pistol aud shot several
times at him but this only made the
yOungSter laugh; for the old man was
crcss-eyed and could not hit a barn-door.
A Boston correspondent of the Rutland
(Vt.) Herald thus explains the dark ways"
of tie lobbyists:
A friend of mine, who has been a mem
Der OF the Legislature for a number of
years, was talking to the principal lobbyis.
at the S~tate-hOuse, a short time since. My
friend said to him "Well, MIR. -, you
never got around me when you wanted to
carry through any of your schemes"
got some honest old farmer to take a seat
next to yours and tell you that his partic-
ular friends in the country wished it done,
that it would be a great benefit to their
towns, and you always voted just the way
I wanted you to-"
A JURY OF PEERs.-There dwelt some
years ago in Bourbon county, Kentucky, a
drunken, worthless, one-eyed fellow named
c., whose chief occupations were getting
tipsy and fighting. There had just been
elected a new prosecuting attorney. who
was entitled to part of the fines which
might be imposed on the malefactors of
Bourbon. and he determined to squeleh old
c.. He did not wait long for an oppor-
tunity to have him arrested. b, the
constable. said. as it was an important case,
he wanted about three days to get an appro-
pirate jury to try it. On the third day the
new attorney was Informed tia things
were ready at the court house. There was
the Judge, and behind him the constable.
On one side sat old one-eyed c.; on the
other, the twelve jurymen, jess like him.
on benches forming Il triangle. each with a
plug of tobacco and jackknife, the gift OF
the constable, whiting away, and, accord
ing to order, splitting to the center. The as
tonished prosecutor looked at the jury. and
exclaimed:
"Where did the constable get this jury?'
The constable quietly replied, S. thought
the prisoner was entitled to be tried By q
jury OF his prsrs, and I've been ont three
days hunting EN- up. I've got twelve here.
but if you don't Ike 'em, I've got twelve
move outside wsiting."
The prosecutor looked out and saw, seat
ed on the fence, twelve more dittos, SINH
larry equipped and employed. He turned
to the couri in undisguised wrath, and said:
"Il dismiss this case"
The consts BILE wrote his return on the
wal rant thus. Dismissed by the county at
tOrney on sight of the jury" and so it stands
charged. and left the courthouse rejoicing al
having been deprived of his constitutional
right of being tried by the previously men,
toned citizens.-Harper's Magazine.
Rogers. the poet. related the following
story: My old friend, Maltby. the broth
er Of the bishop. WAS a very absent-minded
man.. One day at Paris, in the Louvre. We
were looking at the pictures, when 4 lady
entered who spoke to me, and keprme some
minutes in conversation. On rejolnlng
Maltby, l said
"That was Mrs. -. We had not met for
so long she had almost forgotten me, and
asked me if my name was Rogers Malt
by, still looking at the pictures, said, AID
was it ="
An ASSOCIATE EDITOR WASTED-Anex.
change advertis.s Tor an assistant editor as
follows:
We have been engaged rs editor for the
last twenty years, and it matters not how
particular we may be In our remarks some
Oneswil. take Ofense. In view of this fact,
and in order that We may ge. a little q tie
tuds, We have concluded to employ All as
sisIant editor. and to one who can fill the
bill we will promise good wages, prompt
payment and n permanent situation. None
ned apply unlees they possess the follow
ing qualifications:
l.. He must be able TO fight his weight in
wildcats and come out without a scratch.
,. He must be able to drink with every
man that asks him, and never fall in &C.
ton
3 He must go arme / with at least two
pistols and a bowic-kniie, aud never 20 off
halt cooked.
4 He must entertain and express such
views of all subjects as will suit the tastes
and views of his readers, it matters not what
their views may be.
5. He must exactly know how to con-
struct his articles SO as to please everybody |
and offend no one.
G. He must know how to lie frequently,
and when he tells a lie to stick to it with
becoming dignity.
Z. He must write for temperance men,
and at the same time advocate the cause of
saloon keepers
s. Aud lastly he must be al things to
all men. and a devil Of q fellow generally.
An amusing colloquy came of ut a sup
per table on board OF one Of our Mississippi
steamboats,. between a Chicagoan, reekimg
with oil and cologne, who was cursing the
walters, assuming very consequential airs,
and a raw Jonathan who was seated at his
side, dressed in homespun. Turning to his
vulgar friend. the former pointed with bis
jeweled finger, and said: "Buttah, sab :"
Eyes ] see it is," cody replied Jonathan.
"Buttah, sab? l say" fiercely repeated the
dandy. "Yes, sir. | know very good, and
a first rate article" "Buttah. | tell you ~
Numbered The dandy in still louder tones,
as if he would annihilate him. "Well, gosh
all Jerusalem, what of ity" now howleG
the down-easter, getting his dander up in
turn. You don't think took it for lard.
do your You must be a darn fool; and.
drat you, if you don't shut up your jaw I'll
my fists and cram them down your
throat If you don't hush, III get
mad do you hear?"