Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1872-10-18
A Funny Chapter About Babies.

A Funny Chapter About Babes
| OF all the created critters, said Miss
Priscilla Prymm, emphatically l dew des-
pise baby | used to, reckon snake the
most hateful but body knows in general
where to look for snakes, and how to keep
| clear of 'em, whereas there is no getting out
of the way of baby Go where you will,
in town or country, on land or sea, you find
the pestiferous little critters; and as for
| street cars and steamboats,, body thinks
they we're made for their special accommo-
dalton. If I was railroad president, or
steamboat company, I'd have ''babies," as
we'll as "ladies," cars; and the wonder to
me is that it hasn't been done before this !;
twould pay sure.
| The first thing baby does is to holler,
and 1t hollers till it's old enough to use its
hands and feet as we'll as its voice, and then
the mischief it does do is beyond calkilation.
Why, I've had my ink bottle upset on my
new list carpet, and my best chiny tea-set,
with the yallor rose-buds on 'em, knocked
off the table-least ways plate and two
cups and my Book of Beautiful Extracts"
Chat was given to me by Fortified Grubbs
before he took to keepin' company with the
bold mink Arathusy Wilson, torn to atoms
a most And all by baby or leastwise
by variety Of 'em, for their're alike as a
basket of peas. And what's most az grava-
tin Of all is the foolish mothers excusin' the
little daring's" on score Of "cuttin' their
teeth or "being so remarkably precious"
or something else equally interesting. I've
always noticed that whatever badness ba-
by is guilty Of, it's always set down by it's
mother to either its teeth or its smartness.-
I wonder what the worrying little varmints
are made for and why nature couldn't have
sent folks into the world ready grown up, Or
at least old enough to be of some USE
Now, what earthly use is baby, should
like to know? A little shapeless lump of
flesh and blood, with its bald head lolloring
on one side, and its two google eyes stas lng
straight at nothing, and its flabby fists catch
ing at everything in its way, crying at eve
rything sensible, and grinning at everything
foolish. And what nonsense they do talk
to their babies Why, twas only just now
l heard Mrs Simmons, next door, chatter
ing on the back step to that bald headed
monkey of hers. eMudder's only darlin'
itty piggy-wiggy! Is he hoongry? Den he
sell hab one tacker for eaty. One nicey-
ticey tty tacker for mudder's itty preoiops
plumpie, apple dumping, sugar tandy ba-
by~ Bah its enough to make body sick,
and I, for one don't wonder that children are
o,long in learning to talk plainly, with such
outlandish gibherish ding don,ged into their
ears day and night. To my mind its more
barbarous than French Injury.
And the ridiculous way in which some
folks dew dress their babies All smothered
in satin, and feathers, and laces, and furs,
for all the world like millner's 6gger head.
| declare to goodness that sometimes feel
sort of pity for 'em jest as when see Or
gan-grinder's monkey sewed up in wooden
sworad by his side, showing off to grinning
crowd in the streets and which of the two
is most laffable I'm sure its hard to tell.
"Innocents, indeed !; jest as if they don't
know the badness they're about, and don't
mean to dea0 it J! Why, I've seen them kick,
and scratch, and pull peoples hair like
young grizzlies and to this day you can't
convince me that Miss Jones' badly didn't
mean it when the little wretch grabbed hold
of my new curls as was pretendin' to kiss
it afore Deacon Peabody (the week after
poor, dear Miss Peabody departed this life,
it was, and pulled the hull on 'em right off
afore his face, comb and all If it hadn't a.
been for that I might hev- but, ahem! All
that | can now say is that I'm not likely to
be pestered out of my life with one of the
ugly, dirty, d-for-nothing, little var
minis. Of all the troubles and trials Of this
moral state and valley of tears, deliver me
from baby