The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1872-01-06
VARIETY.

The best cuunter-sign-'' No trust
Spades are trumps at Chicago.
The reporters interviewed Louisiana prisoner
until ne begged piteously to be hanged
When you hear a man say ~ Life is but a
dream, tread on his corns. Life is real.
4 gentleman, describing lady s evening dress,
said It was low-necked. and even - more 50.
Another poor girl has died in Virginia from the
use Of tobacco, at the age Of one hundred. She
orphan
learned man has said that the three hardest
words 10 pronounce in the English language are,
- | was mistaken
4 bachelor is politely described a man who
has neglected his opportunity of making some
poor woman miserable
Georgia Iaundress Of color wept because some
paper collars which she tried to renOyate, - Done
wash all to flinders, for sure
grief-stricken Connecticut widow telegraphed
10 the friends Of her husband Dear John is
dead Loss fully covered by insurance. -
FELLOW FEELING.-Indignant old lady :
- Guard, % you allow smoking in this compurt-
ment?'' Obliging guard - Iiaw, weel, if name
o. the gentlemen object, ye can take bit draw
o the pipe"
The - Pilgrims Progress =" has been translated
into Chinese, and has become a favorite text book
in social circles. In the illustrations Pilgrim
wears cue, and all the dramatis persona are
clad in Oriental garb.
A Dutch Justice, not thousand miles from
here, gives the following oath to witnesses - You
do awfully swore you will tell the truth, the
whole truth, and nothing but the truth, the best
what you can't
The Indian who lassOed the locomotive, and
was thereby transported 20 the happy hunting
grounds, has lately. had rival in a brother red
man, who, after too free indulgence in - fire
water" built his wigwam on the railroad track,
St. Paul, Minnesota, but had most dlsas-
trOus luck in trying to stop freight train.
God made both tears and laughter, and both
for kind purposes for as laughter enables mirth
and surprise to breathe freely, tears enable
to vent itself patiently. Tears hinder sor-
row fru1a becoming despair, and laughter is one
Of the very privileges Of reason.
A new style Of the obituary item-brief, but
20 the pOint-bas been invented, thus: "JnO.
Smith. of New York revolver - c. jenkins, of
Philadelphia, third story Window - Ann Jones,
of Ncv Jersey, laudanum-"
An old batehelor editor, thus in bis spite COM
ments a recent moonlight night: We left
our sanctum at mIGnight last night, and on our
way home young lady and gentleman
holding gate on its hinges. They were evident
~ indignant at being kept out so late,
them bite each other several times
a. Eila- my Child sald a prudish old maid To
her young niece, who would curl her hair in pretty
ringIets a. ii the Lord had intended your hair to
he cu1Ied, lie would have done IL HIMSELF" so
he did auuty, when | was n baby, but He thinks
i am big enough TO do 1t myself"
Mr. Charles Mathews relates that once. on en-
teriug an eating house he heard seven gentlemen
give their orders in quick successiOn-One calling
for a plate Of Ox-tail soup, two for mOck-turtle
soup, three for pea soup, and one for bOuilli And
the waiter, dashing to the speaking tube which
communicated with the cook, bawled out with
immense rapIdity lone OK, two mOcks, three
peas and bully.
countrvman, who visited Greenyille. Tenn.
had his attention attracted By the gittering sign
of the Andes Insurance Company. He looked at
It long and intently, and then broke out in a joy
ful exclamation - Well, | knew old Andy
would be somethin' afOre long l tell yer, they
cau't keep him down; no, they can't and
walked ON.
A clergyman met bewildered young man out
IN Chicago Avenue, while the flames were licking
up the north side, who asked in bewildermeHt,
Where am I?'' On being informed. he said
a. Well, I've been married three weeks; don't
know where my wife is but if she IS burned it
is the Lords will; let her 60" And off he
started.
An exchange pithily remarks: "Men eat too
much fret too much, exercise too little, sleep too
little, and then drink whisky. Let them turn
themselves into the fresn arr, eat simple LOOu,
sleep enough, and they will be more healthy
Saws DIR. Guthrie If you want 70 keep dead
man, put him in whisky; if you want to kill
living man. put the whisky into him"
SIX DEGREES OF CRIME.-He who steals mill
ion Is a shrewd tinancIer.
He who steals half million is a defaulter.
He who steals quarter of a million is IN ir-
regular hnancier
He who steals hundred thousand is rogue.
He who steals fifty thousand is knaEe-
But he who steals pair of boots or a loaf of
bread is a seoundrel of the deepest dye, and de-
serves Incarceration in prison.
A German in New York city, whose little do
nestle animal had not been properly educated,
enclosed the very badly worried remains of g
areenback 70 United States Treasurer Spinner IN
a letter to the following purpOrt:
.'Ser | had Poor man q very big lost. My
little dog Jump on the table and tare me Two
Doll, bills, and now beg very much If you not
will send me another Two Doll bill. L enclosed
q letter from the Notary Public Mr.. -- where
/ have sworn that 1 could nothing more find as
those what 1 send you with my letter to-day,
closing my letter expect your answer and re-
main yours very respectful servant"
General Spinner at once ordered a new green
back Of the denomination referred TO TO be
forwarded