The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-12-27
Miscellaneous.
Death Robbed OF Its TerrOrs.

Death Robbed OF Its TerrOrs.
THE NEW DEPARTMENT IN THE
"MoRNING GLORY" NEWSPAPER.
Mr.. j. Alfred Brimmer is the publish
er and principal editor of the Daily
Morning Glory. He has carefully OBJ.
served that his subscribers always turn
first to the "Death Notices." and he
believes that by the employment of
writer, to add few touching lines
to each of them, he will add greatly to
the value of his paper. He therefore
employs Mr.. Remington OFT, a verse;
constructor, cautioning him to do the
thing up well-to assuage grief, by
calling off the mind from the gloom of
the grave. Mr.. OFT, tries his hand on the
following edition, and being satisfied
with his work, goes home. The next
morning he PAGES back to the Office
But he is astonished to see ten thousand
persons crowded around 1t. He cannot
get in, so he mounts box, and peers
in through the transom upstairs. Mr..
Brimmer is seated within, crowd
around him, and Mr.. OFT listens to
what takes place:
Just then there was knock at the
door, and woman entered, crying:
care you the editor ?" she inquired
of Brimmer.
Brimmer said he was.
"W-w.well,' she said, in a voice
broken by sobs, "w.what d'you mean
by publishing this kind of poetry alb.
bout my Johnny? M.my name is Sm-
Smith, and wh.when looked this M
morning for the notice of Johnny's d.
death in y.y-your paper, 1 saw this aw-
full, wicked, wicked v.verse:
-Four doctors tackled Johnny Smith
They blistered and they bled him;
With squills and anti-bilious pills
And ipecac they fed him.
They stirred him up with calomel.
And tried to move his liver;
But all Ia vain-hs little soul
Was waited DER the river"
"It's false! false! that's what it is.
Johnny only had one doctor. And they
didn't try to m.move his liver, and they
didn't bl-bleed him and bl bl,blister him.
It's wicked falsehood, and you're a
hard hearted brute f-f-for printing it ="
MADAM, shall go crazy if you con-
tinue," exclaimed Brimmer, "This is
none of my work. 1t is the work of a
serpent whom warmed in my bosom,
and whom will slay with my own
hand as soon as he comes in. Madam,
the miserable outcast shall die?"
"Strange, strange" mused Ott.-
"And this man told me to combine
elevating sentiment with practical in.
formation. If the information concern
ing the squills and ipecac is not practi-
cal, have misunderstood the use of
that word. And if young Smith didn't
He ought to have had them, and they
| ought to have excited the liver. Thus
it is" thought Oft, "that human life is
sacrificed to carelessness."
At this juncture the sheriff entered,
his brow clothed in thunder. He had a
copy of the Morning Glory in his hand.
He approached the editor,a pointing
to death notice said:
"Read that horrible mockery of my
woe, and tell me the name of the writer
so that can chastise him."
The editor read as follows:
:'we have lost our little Hannah in very pain
full manner.
And we often asked. "How can her harsh suf-
ferings be borne?"
When her death was first reported her aunt got
up and snorted
With the grief that she supported, for 1t made
her feel forlorn.'
"she was such a little seraph, that her father,
who is sheriff.
| Really doesn't seem to care ifhe ne'er smiles in
life again.
She has gone, we hope to Heaven, at the early
age of seven
Funeral starts Off at eeven,) whore she'll never
more have pain"
"As a consequence of this infamy i
withdraw all the county advertising
from your paper. A man who could
trifle in this manner with the feelings
of a parent is savage and scoundrel''
AS the sheriff went out, Brimmer
placed his head upon the table and
| groaned.
"Really," Mr.. OFT reflected, "thai
person must be deranged. l tried, in
his case, to put myself in his place, and
to write as If was one of the family,
according to instructions. The verses
are beautiful. The allusion to the griel
of her aunt, particularly, seemed to mt
to be very happy. 1t expresses violen
emotion with a felicitous combination
ofsweetness and force. The people have
no soul-no appreciation of the beauti
full in art"
While the poet mused, hurried step
were heard upon the stairs, and in
moment a middle-aged man dashed il
abruptly, and, selzing Brimmer's scat
tered hair, bumped his PROSTATE heat
against the table three or four time
with considerable force. Having ex
pended the violence of his emotion il
this manner, he held the EDITORS hea,
down with one hand, shaking it occa
sionally by way of emphasis and wit
the other hand seized the paper ant
said:
"You disgraceful old reprobate! Yo
unsympathetic and disgusting vampire
You hoary- headed old ghoul! What d
you mean by putting such stuff as tn
in your vile sheet about my decease