The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1872-03-09
VARIETY.

VARIETY.
BErTER.-Mrs. Partington says that q it is
better to speak paragorically of person than to
be all the time hinging epitaphs at him.
A Kansas paper states the case this way
" Mr.. -, of Missouri, got to owning horses
that did not belong to him, and the next thing
he knew he couldn't get his feet down To the
ground. He strangled."
During the examination of witness to the
locality of the stairs in house, the counsel
asked him: 90 Which way did the stairs run -
The witness, who, by the way, is a noted wag,
replied - One way they up but the other
way they ran down"
One evening in company, during conversation,
a gentleman quoted the expression, that % Man
proposes, and God disposes." 80 Yes," said a
maiden present, - proposed to me once, L
said no, and have never him since, so l
thought somebody had disposed of him..
An honest country parson. who in the time of
great drouth desired to pray for rain, an
swered III willingly do it to Oblige you, but
it is to no purpose while the wind is in this
quarter.
The editor of the Athol Transcript is affected
by the weather. He says: - The devil Of this
Office has a soul. On this account we don't care
to compel him to steal wood. Will several Of
our subscribers take the hint? -
WILL TELL.-In Chicago, man can thrash
his mother-in-law, under recent decision, for
seventy-fve dollars. Recently young man in
RockQOrt, No, undertook to do it for nothing
She w A-,lery healthy woman. When he re-
covers g = sntly he will tell how it was done.
In a poIrs. case in New York, youth, about
ten years of age, was placed on the stand to give
his testimony. The lawyer, usual, asked the
boy if he knew the nature of an oath, and re-
ceiyed an affirmative reply. When asked what
they do to persons who swear to a lie, he replied
~ Lii of am
INGENIOUS REvENGE.-Cowardly fellow kicked
a newsboy the other day for pestering him to
buy an evening paper. The lads revenge was
ingenious and complete. He waited till another
boy accOsted - the gent and then shouted in
the hearing of all the bystanders, - It's no use
to try him, Jim, he can't read"
little girl in New York. recently celebrated
her fourth birthday by attending Sabbath School
When the recitatiOns of the class were finished
the teacher asked her if she could repeat some
little verse she learned. She promptly replied she
could. and astonished the class by the following
Mary had a little lamb
She laid il on the shelf,
Everytime wasged its tail
You know how tits yourself
We recommend the following New Jersey effu-
sion 10 the attention of obituary verse makers:
She smart, she wa; no. fair
She died calm watermelin-
Can YOU take off my baird here? p said
grave. tall, slab-sided Yankee to Albany
harber feeling at the same time his chin, with a
noise like u CRATER. - It's light baird what
dSer tax? Three cents for light baird, ain t
s-.sYes''
..Waal, 90 ahead then
While the barber was rasping three cents
worth from his chin, his sister saw an assistant
putting cologne upon a customers hair through
a Quill IN the cork of a bottle.
= Look a here, SQUIRE" said the Yankee,
can't YOU squirt o. that peppersass into my
head tew? Say, can't you throw little o that
in for the three cents?''
A demure-looking chap hailed a charcoal ped
der with the query, = Have you got charcoal in
vour wagon ?'' - Yes, sir, - said the expectant
driver. stopping his horses. - That's right, "
observed the demure-loOking chap, with an ap-
proving nod - always tell the truth and people
will respect YOU :" And he hurried on, much to
the regret of the Peddler, who was getting out OF
the wagon 10 look for brick.
LANES AND GENTLEMEN BY request of the
Chairman of the Committee, who has been very
busy and Is very tired, l suppose, L ask leave to
introduce u you the lecturer of the evening, MIR.
Clemens. otherwise Mark Twain, gentleman
whose great learning, whose historical accuracy
whose devotion TO science, and whose yeneraton
for the truth Iaughter are only equaled by his
moral character and his majestic presence Re
uewed laughter / refer these vague general
terms to myself IGiggling. am little OPP
posed To the custom of tremendously introducing
the lecturer to the audience, because 1t seems TO
me unnecessary where the man has been properly
advertised laughter. and besides it is very I'M
comfortable for the lecturer. But where it is the
custom an introduction ought to be made, and
had rather make it myself in my own case, and
then car rely on getting in all the facts. Con-
tinued laughter 1t is not a simple introduction
that l mind don't really care for that at all ;
Int II is the compliments that sometimes 60 with
it-that Is what hurts. It would make any one
feel uncomfortable. You can fancy young lady
introduced to parlor-full of company as the best
conversationaIist the best model IN every way, IN
her section of the country. You might just as
well knock her in the head. She could not say a
word the rest of the evening
l never had but one public introduction that
seemed exactly the thing; that seemed to be a
very inspiration in the way Of an introduction
The gentleman had good bead, and said he sup
posed didn't want any compliments SAID ne
was exactly right, didn't want any compliments
And when he introduced me he said Ladies
and gentlemen, shall not waste any unnecessary
time in the introduction. | don't know anything
about this man lIaughterl at least L only know
two things about him one Is that he has never
been in the pententiary, and the other is L can
imagine WHY prolonged laughter.J New
such an introduction puts a man right at ease
Laughter. 1-MGTk TI0ain's Lecture.