Holmes County Republican. [volume] (Millersburg, Holmes Co., O. [Ohio]) 1870-1895, 1872-01-25
Putting up Stoves.

With the arrival of cold weather
once more, there is a universal putting
up of stoves preparatory to the Winter
campaign, and undoubtedly a great
deal of profanity is indulged in. One
who has had considerable experience in
the work cf putting up stoves, says the
first step to be taken is to put on very
old and ragged coat, under the impress
sion that when he gets his mouth full
of plaster it will keep his shirt bosom
clean. Next lie gets his hands inside
the place where the pipe ought to go,
and blacks his fingers, and then he
carefully makes black mark down one
side of his nose. Having got his face
properly marked, the victim is ready to
begin the ceremony. The head Of the
family is the big moose of the sacrifice,
grasps one side of the bottom of the
stove, and his wife and hired girl take
hold of the other side In this way the
load is started from the woodshed to-
ward the parlor. Going through the
door, the head of the family will care
fully swing the side of the stove around
and jam his thumb nail against the
door. This part of the ceremony is
never omitted.
Having got the stove comfortably in
place, the next thing is to find the legs.
Two of these ere left inside the stove
since the Spring before. The other two
must be hunted after for twenty-five
minutes. They are found under the
coal. Then the head of the family holds
up one side of the stove while his wife
puts two of the legs in place, and next
holds up the other side while the other
two are fixed, and one of the first two
falls out. By the time the stove Is on
its legs he gets reckless, and takes off
his old coat, regardless of the linen.
Then he goes off for the pipe, and gets
a cinder in his eye. 1t don't make any
difference how well the pipe was putu
last year, it will be found little too
short or little too long. The head Of
the family jams his hat over his eyes,
and taking pipe under each arm, goes
to the tin-shop to have it fixed. When
he gets back he steps upon one of the
new chairs to see If the pipe fits, and
his wife makes him get down, for fear
he will scratch the varnish with the
nails of his boot-heels. In getting down
he will surely step on the cat, and may
thank his stars if it is not the baby.
Then he gets an old chair and climbs
up the chimney again to find that, in
cutting the pipe of, the end hss been
left too big for the hole in the chimney.
So he goes to the woodshed and splits
one side of the end of the pipe with an
old ak, and squeezes it in his hand to
make it smaller. Finally he gets the
pipe in shape, and finds that the stove
does not stand true. Then himself,
wife, and hired girl move the stove to
the left, and the legs fall out again.
Next move is to the right. More diff
hculty with the legs. Moved to the
front little. Elbow not even with the
hole in the chimney, and goes to the
after some blocks. While
putting in the blocks under the legs,
the pipe comes out of the chimney.
That remedied, the elbow keeps tipping
over, to the great alarm of his wife.
Head of the family gets the dinner table
out, and puts the old chair on it, gets
his wife to hold the chair, and balances
himself on it to drive some nails in the
ceiling. Drops the hammer on his
wife's head. AT last gets the nails
driven, and makes wire swing TO hold
the pipe, hammers little here, pulls
little there, takes long breath, and an
the ceremony completed. Job
never put up any stoves. 1t would have
ruined his reputation, if he had
.ndrk Tt0ain.