The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-04-19
Humorous.

to dig a well and discover the finest vein
of coal in the State.
A Cincinnati editor discovered after
recent skirmish that his antagonist had
lunched off his ear during the affray.
An indianapolis paper has this singu-
lar announcement: "Mr. G.. Lee, of
the Commercial, has gone South for his
wife'5 health"
A Western liberal Republican paper
says there is no amendment to the Con-
stitution providing for the re election
of General Grant.
The New York Mail states as one of
the advantages of being intoxicated,"
the ability to jump from railroad trains
without being killed.
a foreign writer, complaining of the
difficulties in the pronunciation of the
English language, cites the word Boz,
which he says is pronounced Dickens.
Wendell Phillips says, "Put an Amer
lean baby, six months old, on his feet,
and he will Immediately say, MIR.
Chairman and call the next cradle to
order"
A man in Windham county, Conn,
is said to be working up saw.log thir-
ty feet long into q fife for Gilmore's ju.
bilee. 1t will be blown by nitro-glyce-
rine.
Speaking Of a certain friends choice
OF wife, a candid clergyman remark
ed: 81 should as soon thing of marry
ing the daughter of Beelzebub, and GO
ing home to live with the old folks"
A wedding took place at La Crosse
day or TO two ago at which, according
to the Democrat, "the bride was given
away by the city, and the city was
mighty glad to get rid of her."
A young legal lady in Ohio applied
for commission as notary public, but
| public function of the sort could lawful.
ly be performed by female.
Arkansas journalism is peculiar. The
Fort Smith Patriot nails its colors to
the mast in this way: "For President
of the United States, U. s. Grant. For
Governor of Arkansas, not 10 Brooks
by a - sight.
Sucking eggs for the championship is
the way in which the rivalry of man
hood develops in Tennessee. The best
score thus far is thirty at a sitting, and
the winner thinks of opening school
for grandmothers.
A Charleston paper says that an old
colored lady of South Chrolina, wearing
a red turban, was shot at by mistake
for robin, by Mr.. Pinckney. She
thereupOn accosted him with brick,
and gave him pink eye.
A country minister complained to old
DIR. Routh that he received only five
pounds for preaching certain sermon
at Oxford. Give pounds ~ said the
doctor; ''why, wouldn't have preach
ed that sermon for fifty pounds
Mr.. Collins, of Hartford. bought a
ferocious watch dog. Mr.. Collins came
home late that night. His wife says his
trowsers can't be mended. The dogs
skin is for sale cheap. Mr.. Collins hopes
to be able to sit down in few weeks.
A Salisbury (Conn) man recently
hitched a yoke of oxen to horse that
"laid back in the breeching." The
horses head was not put on firmly
enough to test the question whether he
or the oxen were the strongest.
A Colorado man chased by wolves
was saved by his plug hat which blew
off and fell in front of the ferocious ami
mails; they had never seen one before
and while they held meeting to in
quire into its nature, he reached placG
of safety.
A New Hampshire man committed
suicide last week, at the age of threecorf
and ten, for the reason that he coulC
not reform his dissipated habits, and
felt sure that they would blast his ca
reer in life should they become rooted
, | hxyy, In 10
A California Judge recently had
grocer brought before him for selling
E matches without stamps. He decided
that the grocer had not violated the Law
which forbids ''exposing for sale' un
stamped packages, because the matche
in question were sold from under tn
counter.
The little busy barkeeper in Boston
eludes the shining law byputting twt
: barrels of whiskey into q molasses pun
, cheon and filling up the puncheon wit
| molasses. When customer calls h
pumps whisky out through the bun
hole; when a Constable calls, he run
Il molasses off through the faucet.
; A revival is in progress in Marsha
county, Mo. a young lady who ha
| DcEll II lul irregular III
, suddenly became open to convictio
' and was converted. When the mini
: ter had submerged her, and came OF
of the water, he asked how she fe
l. in her mind. She replied: Gan hunk,
e onlya little wet"
A note from a gentleman who vi
) "snowed up" last week in Maine, stat
n that during the last storm 50 muC
r, snow was blown through the key .ho
k of the outside door Of the house whe
he was stopping that it took two me
- two days to shovel it out. And tn
wasn't the hardest storm of the mont
by any means.
" A traveller stopped at an inn to breal
L fast, and having drunk cup of VIII
)r was given to him, the servant aske
m "What will you take, sir; tea or coffee
AZ "That depends upon circumstances
y was the reply. "If what you gave u
s. last was tea, want coffee; If it was cC
ne fee, want tea. would prefer to ha
n. a change"
OIL A young lady of Elmira married
o. man by the name Of Dust, against t
r. wishes of her parents. After she
to time they lived unhappily together, a
10 she returned to her fathers house b
70 the stubborn Elmiran refused to see h,
IN saying. Dust thou art and unto Dl
thou shalt return" And she got
and "dusted.'
)" A storekeeper at Quincy, Mich, hi
en- ing pup that habitually upset
e- paint cans in the rear end Of the sto
Il rubbed the dogs nose in the spill
-, paint as a reminder that he must
}" do so again. Last week the amin
ne again spilled the paint, and, Observi
id that his master was engaged in waiti
sn on customer, the docile pup rubl
-, his own nose In the mixture and
- bowling out the back way.
"i A funny story is told of one Me
an an Oregon pioneer, a great hunter {
al a man of much influence in that ST
One day In conversation with an L
lish traveller John Bull finally said:
he "Why, sir, you must have lived t
he a very long time"
ed To this Meek replied: