The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1872-05-10
LAWYERS, MINISTER'S AND DOC.
TORS.
BY o. W. HOLMES.

BY o. W. HOLMES.
] The lawyers are picked lot, " first
scholars" and the like, but their
business IL as upsympathetic as Jack
Ketch's. There is nothing humanizing
in their relations with their fellow
creatures. They go for the side that re-
tains them. They defend the man
they know to be a rogue, and not very
rarely throw suspicion on the man
they know to be innocent. Mind YOU,
am not finding fault with them !;
every side of case has a right to the
best statement it admits of; but I say
it does not tend TO make them sympa-
thetic. Suppose in a case of Fever as.
Patient, the doctor should side with
either party according to whether the
old miser or his eXpectant heir Is his
employer. Suppose the minister should
side with the Lord or the Devil, ac-
cording to the salary offered and other
incidental advantages, where the soul
of sinner was in question. You can
see what piece of work 1t would make
of their symrathies. But the lawyers
are quicker witted than either of
the other professions, and abler men
generally. They are gOod-natured, or
| if they quarrel, their quarrels are,
above-board. don't think they are as
accomplished as the ministers, but they
have way of cramming with special
| knowledge for a case which leaves a
certain shallow sediment nf intelli-
| gence in their memories about q good
many things. They are apt to talk
law in mixed company, and they
have a way Of looking round when
they make a point, as If they were ad-
dressing jury, that is mighty ag
gravating, as once had occasion to see
when one of 'em and a pretty famous
one, put me on the witness stand at a
dinner.party once.
The ministers come next in point OF
talent. They are far more curious and
widely interested outside of their own
calling than either OF the other pro-
fessions. L like to talk with 'em. They
are interesting men, full of good feel
ings, hard workers, always foremost in
good deeds, aud on the whole the
most efficient civilizipg class, working
dOwnwards, from knowledge to ig-
norance, that is,-row and then up
wards, also,-that we have. The
trouble is, that so many Of them work
in harness, and it is pretty sure to
cOhICN utf lOO
assume principles which Ould cripple
our instincts and reason and give US a
crutch of doctrine. / have talked with
great many of 'em of all sorts of be-
lief, and | DON'T think they have fixed
everything in their own minds, or are
as dogmatic in their habits of thought |
as one would think to hear 'em lay |
down the law in the pulpit. They used |
to lead the intelligence oftheir parishes; !
now they do pretty well if they keep !
up with it, and they are very apt to
lag behind it. Then they must have |
colleague. Tne old minister thinks he |
can hold TO his own course, sailing /
right into the winds eye of human
nature, as straight as that famous old |
skipper John Bunyan; the young
minister fails of three or four points
and catches the breeze that left the old
mans sails all shivering. By and by
the congregation will get ahead Of him,
and then it must have another new
skipper. The priest holds his own
pretty well the minister is coming
down every generation nearer and
near to the common level of the useful
citizen,-no oracle at all, but man of
rlcre than average moral instincts,
who, II he knows anything, knows
how little he knows. The ministers
are good takers, only the struggle be-
tween nature and grace makes some of
'sni little awkward occasionally.
The women do their best to spoil 'em,
rs they do the poets; you find it very
pleasant to be spoiled, no doubt; so do
they. Now and t;len one Of them g,es
over the dam; no wonder, they're
always in the rapids.
Fly this time our three ladies had
their fyec9 all turned toward. the
speaker, like ths weathercocks in a
and 1 thoeght best TO
switch off the talk on to another rail.
How about the doctors ?-I said.
@Pheirs IS the least learned of the
IN this country at least
They have not hEi; the general culture
Of the lawyers, not quafter Of that of
the ministers. i rather think, though, {
they are more agreeable to the common {
rt,n of peopie than the men with black
coats of ihs men with green bags. I
People can swsar before 'enl if they ,
want 10 and they can't very well before
ministsss. 7 don't care whether they I
want to sweai or not, they don't want ,
70 be on their good behavior. Besides,
he minister has a little smack of the
,extofl ebout him; he comes when
people are an 6ttrsHlis, but they don't I
,end for him every tine they make q
light moral slip,-teil a lie for lnsssnce,
,r smuggle a silk dress through the
house; but they call in the t
ioetor when a child is cutting q tooth
,r gets splinter in its finger. So it {
lHesfi't mean mitch To send for him, t
,nly a pleasant ehart shout the news of b
he day for putting the baby to- rights
loesn,t take long. Besides, everybody @
lossn't like to talk about the next
World; people Ars modest in their de- =
Tres, and find this world ss good as
hey deserve; but everybody likes TO
ak physic. Everybody loves to hear j
# strange cases people are eager to
ell the doctor of the wonderful cures Il
hey have heard of; they want to "
NOW what Is tie rIattsr with sOme-
,ody or other who Il said TO besufiering Il
rom complication of diseases" and o
hove all get hard name, Greek or Il
ATTN, for ssme complaint which
ounds altogether too commonplace in :,
lain English. If you will only call I
Ccphdldtgid, 1t acquires $
Ignity at once, and patient becomes y y
atfler proud of it. SO | think doctors 1
re generally welcome in mos: compa- G
les. l.
In old times when people were more
fraid of the Devil and witches than
hey are now, they liked to have priest
r a minister somewhere near to scare
I'm off; but nowadays, if yeu Ii
ould lind an old woman who would
ide arotnd the room on 4 br0Um "
tick, Barnum would Di.ild an am
hitheatre to exhibit her in, and if =,
e could come across a young imp, *
,itn nOOfs, tail, aud budding horns,
Iineal descendant of QUE Of those o:
demons which the good people of
Gloucester fired at, and were fired at n
?" for the best part Of a month to-
ether" in the year 1902, the great n
bowman would have him at any cost
)r his museum or meDagerie. Men .;
re eowar.is, sir, and are driven by o
,ar as the sovereign motive. Men are
iolaters and want something to look
I and kiss, hug, or throw themse,v yes Ii
own before; they always did, they
lways will; and if you don't make it
+ wood, you must make At of words, "
Which are just as much used for idols p
s promissory notes are used fol. values.
he ministers have a hard time ot II ,,
without bell and book and holy water; ;,