The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1872-10-25

HUMOROUS.

An old lady bathing at Long Branch
with her spectacles on, but not her
wig. was taken for Mr.. Greeley, and
drew great crowd.
A Scotch gentleman says: ''Fhere
are few people like Burns" We
should think not, indeed, nor scalds.
either!
The sweetest toned bell The church.
going belle. Her voice leadeth many
an ilnregenerate yonng man to the
sanctuary Instead Of the saloon.
Said a nice old lady the other day TO
a morning caller: ''Prly make yo'i!r-
self at home; I'm at home myself,
and wish you were, too"
Canandaigua Is the place where Il
gentle retl-lMired youth stepped into q
grocery and inquired the price Of
"them bananies." On being told that
they were sngar-cured hams he went
on his way whistling Garry the news
to Mary"
Not bad Is this remark of a pastor;
"rwo-thirds OF the members of my
church are honorary members. They
don't come to prayer meeting; they
don't add to the life of the chnlyh
they are passengers on the gospel ship;
they bear no burden, add no strength:
their names are on our books they
are honorary members" Dishonorary.
rather.
A New Hampshire paper says: ~
man from London Centre started last
Friday with load Of hay for Concord;
and his wife advised him not to smoke
a pipe Oh the way, but he only laugh
cd at her. Pretty soon he came back
with most of his clothes gone, his hair
and eyebrows singed. and the IRON
work OF bis cart in il bag on his shorl-
der. Then his wife laughed"
A good story is told OF College
President, who, meeting on the cars II
student whose character for sobriety
was not good, and whose then appear
ance evinced q recent debauche, ap-
preached him and solemnly and re-
gretfully said: Been on Il drunk
so have |, was the immediate reply.
A ScOtchman, observing that the
once white linen of one of his employ
ees had, through long absence of soap
and water, become hazy black, In
quired, as q prelude to homilyon
cleanliness, how often he had his shirt
washed. ''Once month";" was the
reply. "Why, | require two shirts i
week" "Twa sarks in a week -
calculated Robbie; "ye maun be u
dirty deevil!m
During the Clay and Polk campaign.
the love which Hon. Walter Brooke, Of
Mississippi,borc for the great Kentuck-
ian led him to bet a pair of matched
horses, all the stock he had, on the re-
suit; andthis though a strict member
Of the Presbyterian church. Ofcourse
he lost and Of course he was "church-
ed" for gaming. "All we ask Of you.
Mr.. Brooke" said the minister, during
the trial, lis to acknowledge that yol,
are sorry, and promise to sin 10
more" Sorry ?nasked Mr.. Brooke.
rising from his seat with an air of in
iured innocence: ''soTy? My dear
brother, when think of those beauti-
ful bays, gone from my gaze forever
| can truly say, with my hand upon
my heart, that 10 transaction of my
lite gives me more genuine sorrow
than this"
A curate complained to Old DR., Ruth
that he received only five pounds tor
preaching certain sermon at Oxford.
Five pounds ~ said the doctor
''why wouldn't have preached that
sermon for fifty"
When Handel once undertook, in
a crowded church, to play the dismiss
al on very fine organ there, the
whole congregation became SO entlal-
ced with delight that not an individual
could stir, till at length the usual Or
ganist came impatiently forward ami
took his seat saying, in a tone of az
knowledged superiority: You cam
not dismiss congregation. See how
| can disperse them" "
"Sur," said an Irish philologist to an
anxious inquirer. there is no slangiu
the collokial expression Of my country
men. livery word, sur, deservedly haS
an honorable pedigree, bedad! Blu,
corruption is aiting into language, and
contraction playin' the divil wild tls'
words of it. Luck. ifyou PLACE, n
that bastely 'alms : that was once L
a word of five syllab!es, and is now =
beggar wild wan. Thin luck at 'shan-
ty,' properly shed handy and agaiI,
at 'shindy, that some whelp, toocow-
arlly to tight and too lazy to spak"
classical English, has abbreviated from
STANDARDIZATION most beautiful and
expressive term, bedad significant
of the manly sport that lint so much
glory and renOWn to the sons OF ouI
Ireland. It's sorrow and shame
it is-and the world is sutferin' from
it the day. bedad!"
Il "a ,,n0,tf,h