The Fremont weekly journal. [volume] (Fremont, Sandusky County, Ohio) 1867-1877, 1872-06-14
pRrvAT1 HABITS or GREELEY.
Observed IN 1857 by Marked Twain

sarY to perfect the cRaln OF know
edge already in its possession con
lcerning Mr.. Greeley; I mean hi
private habits. We know all abou
it as regards every other department
Of his life and services. Because
whenever a magazinist or g book
maker is employed to write, and can
not think Of a subject, he Writel
about Horace Greeley. Even the
boys in the schools have quit build
ing inspired compositions" about
''The Horse" and have gone to do
ing Horace Greeley" instead; and
when defamation day comes around,
their voices are no longer "stil for
war" and Patrick Henry, but for
peace and Horace Greeley. Now, the
| natural result Of all this is that the
public have come at last TO think
that this man has no life but public
life, no nature but public nature,
no habits but public habits. This is
all wrong. Mr.. Greeley has a pri-
vate life. Mr.. Greeley has private
habits.
Mr.. Greeley gets up at three
o'clock in the morning; for it is one
of his fayorite maxims that only ear
ly rising can keep the health unim-
paired and the brain vigorous. He
then wakes up all the household and
assemblies them in the library By
candle light; and, after quoting the
beautiful lines,
Early to bed and early to rise,
Makes man healthy, wealthy, and wise,
he appoints each individuals task for
the day, sets him at it with encour-
aging words, and goes back to bed
again.
Athalf-past eleven o'clock Mr..
Greeley rises again. He shaves
himself. He considers that there is
great virtue and economy in shaving
himself He does it with a dull "a
zor, sometimes humming part of q
tune ( be knows partof a tune, and
takes an innocent delight in regard
ing it as the first half Of Old Hun
dred, but parties familiar with that
hymn have felt obliged to confess
that they could not recognize it, and,
therefore, the noise he makes is
doubtless an unconscious original
composition of MIR. Greeley's), and
sometimes, when the razor is espec-
pecially dull, he accompanies him
self with formula like this: g.
the - razor, and the outcast
who made It'll. G.
He then goes out into his model
garden, and applies his 7ast store Of
agricultural knowledge to the amel.
ioration of his cabbages; after which
he writes an able agricultural article
for the instruction of American
farmers, his soul cheered the while
with the reflection that if eabbages
were worth $1l apiece, his model
farm would pay.
He next goes to breakfast, which
is a frugal, abstemious meal with
him, and consists Of nothing but
such things as the msrket affords,
nothing more. He drinks nothing
but Water-nothing whatever but
water and coffee and tea and Scotch
ale and lager beer and lemonade with
a fly in it-sometimes a house hY and
sometimes horse fly, according to
the amount Of inspiration required
to warm him up to his daily duties.
/ During breakfast he reads the TJTE-
sne all through, and enjoys the sat
isfaction ofknowing that all the bril-
liant things in it, written by Young
and Cooke and Hazard and myself
are attributed to him by confding
and ignorant public.
After breakfast he writes q short
editorial, and puts large dash at
the beginning Of it, thus (-),
which is the same as if he put H. G.
after it, and takes q savage pleasure
in rejecting that none of rs under.
strappers can use the dash, except
in prOfane conversation when chat
ing over the outrage. He writes this
editorial in his own handwriting.
| He does it because he is so VAN of
| his penmanship. He always did
take an inordinate pride in penman-
ship. He hired out once in his
young days, as writing master, but
the enterprise failed. The pupils
could not translate hiS marks with
any certsinty. His first copy was
"Yirtue is it's own reward and they
got it washing with soap is low
and absurd and so the trustees dis
charged him for attempting to con
yey bad morals through the medium
Of worse penmanship. But as I
was saying, he writes his morning
| editorial. Then he tries to read it
over, and can't do it, and so sends it
to the printers, and they try to read
it, and can't do it; and so they set it
up at random, as you may say, put
ting in what words they can make
and when they get aground on q
long word they put it protection"
or universal suffrage" and spar of
and paddle ahead, and next morn
ing, if the degraded public can tell
what it is all about they say H. G.
wrote it, and if they can't they say
it is one Of those imbecile under
strappers, and that is the end Of it.
On Sundays Mr.. Greeley sits in
prominent pew in Mr.. Chapin's
church and lets on that he is asleep,
and the congregation regard it is an
eccentrieity of genius.
When be is going to appear in
public, Mr.. Greeley spends two
hours on his toilet. He is the most
painstaking and elaborate man about
getting up his dress that lives in
America. This is his chiefest and
his pleasantest foible. He puts on
his old white overcOat and turns up
the collar. He puts on a soiled
shirt, saved from the wash, and
leaves one end Of the collar unbut-
toned. He puts on his most dilapi-
dated hat, turns its wrong side be-
fore, cants it onto the back of his
head, and jams an extra dent in the
side of it. He puts on his most at
rocious boots, and spends ten min
utes tucking the left leg ofhis pants
into his boot-tOp in what shall seem
the most careless and unstained way.
| But his craYat-it is into the ar