Holmes County Republican. [volume] (Millersburg, Holmes Co., O. [Ohio]) 1870-1895, 1872-12-12

OSu1oh AAhoAAOPOAO6y. why VIZ
you not give us some uncommon
words, and instead of looking
back upon your subject, some
times srecapitulate,' and instead
of talking about a mans 'pecu-
liarities,' mention his 'idiot-sin-
crasies,' and describe the hair as
the capillary adornment, and in
stead of speaking of a thing as
tied together,say itwas 'inosculat-
ed.'
The Peac. You keep me so
poor l cannot buy the books nee
essary to keep me fresh. After
the babies are all clothed, and
the table is provided for, and the
wardrobe supplied, my purse is
empty, and you know the best
carpenter cannot make good
shingles without tools. Better
pay up your back salary instead
Of sitting there bowling at me.
You seased your conscience by
subscribing for the suppor tof the
Gospel, but the Lord makes no
record of what a man subcribes,
he waits to see whether he pays.
The poor widow with the two
mites is applauded in Scripture
because she pays cash down. l
have always noticed that you
Pews make a big noise about
Pulpit deficiencies just in pro-
portion to the little you do. The
fifty cents you pay is only premi-
um on your policy of five dollars
worth of grumbling. o critical
Pew! you had better scour the
brass number on your door be-
fore you begin to polish the silver
knob on mine.
Tile Peao. think it is time
for you to go away. | am glad
that conference is coming. l
shall see the bishop, and have
you removed to some other part
of the Lords vineyard. You are
too plain a Pulpit for such an
elegant Pew. Just look at your
big hands and feet. We want a
spiritual guide whose fingers ia
per to a fine point, and one who
could wear, if need be, a lady's
shoe. Get out with your paws
and clodhoppers! We want in
this church Pulpit that will
talk about heaven, and make no
allusion to that other place with
most unhealthy climate, where
the weather is always warm,
ranging from $50 degrees, ,Fahren-
heit,to 500. Ihave a highly edu-
Gated nose, and stand the smell
of garlic and assafoetida better
than birthstone. We want an
oleaginous minister, commonly
called oily. We want him distin-
guished for his unctuosity. We
want an ecclesiastical scent bag,
or, as you might call him, a hea-
venly nosegay, perfect in every
respect, his ordinary sneeze as
good as a doxology. If he cry
during some emotional part of
his discourse, let it not be an
oldfashioned cry with big hands or
coat-sleeve sopping up the tears,
but let there be just two elegant
tears, one from each eye, rolling
down parallel into a pocket-hand-
kerchief richly embroidered by
the sewing society, and inscrib-
ed with the names of the young
ladies' Bible class. If he kneel
before sermon, let it not be a COM
ing down like a soul in want; but
on one knee, so artisieally done
that the foot shall show the
twelve-dollar patent-leather shoe
while the aforesaid pocket hand
kerchief is just peeping from the
coat pocket to see if the ladies
who made it are all there-the
whole scene a religious tableau.
We want Pulpit that will not
get us into a tearing down revi-
val where the people go shout
ing and twisting about, regard
less of carpets and fine effect, but
a revival that shall be born in a
bandbox, and wrapped in ruffies, |
and lie on a church-rug, so still
that nobody will know it is there.
If we could have such Pulpit |
as that, all my fellow Pews would
join me,and-we would give it al
handsome support; yes. we would
pay him, five got just what we
want, we could afford to give, in |
case he were thoroughly elo-
quent, ,Demosthenic, and bewitch-
ing-I am quite certain we could
l should not want my
self to be held responsible; yes,he |
should have eight hundred dol
lars year,and that is seven hun
dred and sixty dollars more than
got for his Paradise Lost,
about which one of his learned
contemporaries wrote: The old
blind schoolmaster, John Milton,
hath published a tedious poem
on the fall of man, if its length
be nst considered a merit, it has
no other Nothing spoils minis
ters like too big salary. Jesh-
urum waxed fat. and kicked. Ifl
it had not been for the wax and
the fat, he would not have kick
ed. Sirlion steaks and mince-
pies are too rich for ministers.
Put these men down on catfish
and founders, as were the fisher
men apostles. Too much oats
make horses frisky, and minis
5er high-fed is sure to get his
DOT over the shaft. If we want
% keep our Pulpit spiritual, we
must keep them poor. Blessed
are the poor!
Stop! Stop! cried the Pulpit
md it seemed to rise higher than
before; and to, ,tremble from head
% foot with excitement, and the
9anisters to twist asifto fly in in