Weekly Trinity journal., 1872-05-25
THE "FAT CONTRIBUTOR"
He Will be Candidate for Prcsi-
dent.


no longer. The highest interests of the
the nation demand that present myself
as candidate for President OF the United
States. l have waited for some one else
to bring me out, but in the multitude of
candidates no one seems to have thought
of me. And don't think very much of
myself; but man don't want to think
much of himself TO be n candidate for
President nowadays. If he had any
self-regard at the outset he would think
very little of himself by the time he got
through with the campaign.
am one of the people, might say,
one of the boys. came up from OBJ
scurity, and have brought up n good
deal of obscurity with me. l never had
any politics-or much else. l am lib
eral to n fault, and ready to receive
votes from any quarter, although l am
not ready to give quarters for any votes.
AS for platform, suit yourself, gentle
men. The lecture platform would prob
ably suit me as well as any other. Hav-
ing stood upon nearly every platform in
the West, it would be hard for you to get
up one l could not stand on. In the alb
sence of platform, give me four aces,
and II " stand " on that.
am the special friend of the laboring
man. No one likes to see n man work
better than / do. In fact, had rather
see "A man work than work myself. / am
not only averse to working more than
eight hours, but | am opposed to work
ing single hour ! l shan't even work
for my election, leaving that for the men
who want the offices. l am in favor of
paying the national debt. 1t is in fact
the only debt l am in favor of paying.
And rather than not see it paid during
my administration l will pay it out of
my own pocket.
In the matter of civil service reform,
intend to do the civil thing by the nation
if the nation does the civil thing by me.
Being civil is so rare condition nova
days in the varied walks of life to say
nothing about the runs) that reform is
urgently called for.
Retrenchment is my motto. If you
can't put retrenchment plank in the
platform put in board. l am ready to
work without any salary, but l shall in
sist upon board.
am rather inclined to Free Trade,
preferring to feel free to trade whenever
| please, but if a Tariff plank is necessa-
ry to my election, put it in. | shall not
get on a Tariff amt elected.
Pledge me as strong as you please to
the Temperance men. The temperance
pledge won't hurt me one bit.
No relative shall hold office, no mat
ter whose relation he may be. ! shall |
appoint none but old bachelors, chldcss
widows and orphans. Any man who has
relation in the world need not apply for
an office under my administration. n
have few relatives of my own holding
office now, but they shall be promtly
kicked out as soon as | am elected. One
brother-in-law has little coal office on
the river. He must give it up. A third
cousin on my neighbours side drinks too
much occasionally and gets Office feet. !
shall give him notice to quit. Another
relation has n hankcring after George FL |
lis "Office." 1t won't do him any good. |
You see | am determined to reduce the |
relative expenses Of the Government. |
lengage not to accept any gift, unless
it be the highest Office in the gift of the !
people. If | am ever called "Our pres
ent Chief Magistrate" it won't be chief
magistrate Of presents. Not being man
of commanding presence anyhow, there
would probably be few presents that
could command. What few natural gifts
/ may have, however, shall endeavor
to retain. They are not worth making
any fuss about.
am not only in favor of woman's
rights, but of woman's rights and lets.
| am in favor of women voting, provided
they vote for me. | see no reason why
woman should not hold office, except,
perhaps, the difficulty of getting hold of
it. Nor should there be any bar to
woman's accumulating property and sup
porting the family if she wants to.
may be asked how / would treat the
Indians. | wouln't "treat" them at
all. They have been treated too much
and too often. Ny private opinion, how
ever, is that it will be treat when there
isn't an Injun left.
stand by the old constitution that has
been tried. Few men have tried their
constitution more than | have tried mine. |
accept the amendments, every one of
them. When it comes to amends, am
ready to shout amen" as loud as any
body.
i understand there is an ambitious man
named George Francis Train, who as
pires to be President on his promise to
free Ireland. engage not only to free
ireland but TO make Irish whisky free in
the bargain. l shall at least be able to
tie George Francis in the popular vote,
unless one or the other Of US is kept away
from the polls. Hang it, | believe l
/ could tie the Davenport brothers.
/ shall inaugurate wholesale emanci-
patton business rs soon as | am inaugu-
rated. No goods retaled at the White
House when | am President. engage
to emancipate women from the thraldom
OF fashion, to give the "boys " their
rights, and abolish the custom which ex-
cludes children in arms from the ele-
waiting and purifying influences of the
theater. / have pledged myself to free
Ireland and to free postage; to free
housekeepers from the tyranny of SER
want girls free pews, free passes, and
freebooter. To free soil, to free tickets TO