The Placer herald., 1872-06-15
THE FAT CONTRIBUTOR.


The hour has arrived. can hesitate no
longer. The highest interests of the nation
demand that present myself as a candidate
for President of the United States | have
waited for some one else to bring me out,
but in the mutitudes of candidates no one
seems to have thought Of me, and | don't
think much Of myself; but man don't want
to think much of himself to be candidate
for President now-a- days. If he had any
self-regard at the outset he would think very
little of himself by the time he got through
with the campaign.
am one Of the people, might say one
of the boys. i came up from obscurty, and
have brought up good deal of obscurity
with me. never had any politics-or much
else. am ''Liberal to fault, and ready
to receive votes from any quarter, although
| am not ready to give quarters for any
votes.
AS for platform, suit yourselves, gentle
men. The lecture platform would probably
suit me as well as any other. Having stood
upon nearly every platform in the West, it
would be hard 70: you to get up one that |
could not stand on. In the absence of a
platform, give me four aces, and I'll "stand"
on that.
am the special friend of the laboring
man. No one likes to see man work bet
ter than do. In fact had rather see a
man work than to work myself. am not
only averse to working more than eight
hours, but am opposed to working single
hour. | shan't even work for my election,
leaving that to the men who want the Offices
am in favor of paying the national debt
1t is, in fact, the only debt that | am in favor
of paying. And rather than not see it paid
during my administration, | will pay it out
Of my own pocket.
In the matter of civil service reform l in
tend to do the civil thing by the nation if the
nation does the civil thing by me. Being
civil is so rare a condition nowadays in
the varied walks of life (to say nothing about
the runs) that reform is urgently called for.
Retrenchment is my motto. If you can't
put retrenchmcnt plank in the platform put
in board. am ready to work without
any salary, but shall insist upon my board
am rather inclined to free trade, prefer
ring to feel free to trade wherever | please,
but if tariff plank is necessary to my cleo
ton, put it in | shall not get ON a tariff |
amt elected.
Pledge me as strong as you please to the
temperance men. The temperate pledge
won't hurt me one bit.
No relative shall hold office, no matter
whose relation he may be. shall appoint
none but old bachelors, childless widows and
orphans Any man who has a relation in
the world need not apply for an office under
my administration. have few relatives
of my own holding Office now. but they shall
be promptly kicked out as soon as | am
elected. One brother-in-law has a little coal
office on the river. lie must give it up. A
third cousin on my neighbours side drinks too
much occasionally, and gets Office feet. !
shall give him notice to quit You see | am
determined to reduce the ''relative eX-
penses Of the Government.
engage not to accept any gift, unless it
be the highest office in the gift Of the people.
If | am ever called "our present Chief Mag
strate," it won't be chief magistrate of
presents Not being man of commanding
presence anyhow, there will probably be few
presents that could command. What few
natural gifts may have, however, | shall
endeavor to retain. They are not worth
making any fuss about.
am not only in favor of woman's rights,
but of woman's rights and lcfts. am in
favor of women voting, provided they vote
for me. | see no reason why woman
should rot hold office, except, perhaps, the
difficulty of getting hold of it. Nor should
there be any bar to a woman's accumulating
property and supporting the family if she
wants TO.
may be asked how l would treat the
Indians wouldn't "treat y them at all.
| They have been treated too much and too
often. My private opinion, however, is that
it will be treat when there isn't an lnjun left.
| stand by the old constitution that has
been tried. Few men have tried their con-
sttution more than have mine. accept
the amendments, every one of them. When
it comes to amends am ready to shout
"amen as loud as anybody.
| understand there is an ambitious man
named George Francis Train, who aspires to
be President on his promise to free Ireland.
engage not only to free Ireland but to
make Irish whisky free in the bargain. l
shall at least be able to tie George Francis
in the popular vote, unless one or the other
of us is kept away from the polls. Hang it,
believe | could tie the Davenport brothers.
shall inaugurate wholesale emancipa-
ton business as soon as | am inaugurated.
No goods retailed at the White House when
| am President. | engage TO emanclpate
women from the thraldom of fashion, to give
the "boys their rights, and to abolish the
custom which excludes children in arms from
the elevating and purifying influences of the
theatre. have pledged myself to free Ire
land and free postage; to free housekeepers
from the tyranny of servant girls; free pews,
free passes and freebooters. To free soil, to
free tickets to shows, free drinks, free press
and 81. n. FREE
/ ,..aolc frna