The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-02-02

bbiiNt 'pN VI A'i9 Eobf aAN AANNAA Va NAs
Aged 62.
A passenger on one of the New York
ferry-bOats is said to have lately sneez.
ed himself overheard.
"Putty.eyed monster" is what ap,
peared In the paper Of Tennessee edi-
tor who wrote, with respect, "pretly
aged minister"
A farmer saw an advertised recipe to
prevent wells aud cisterns from ireez-
ing. He sent his money and received
the answer, Take in your well or
cistern on cold nights and keep IL by
the fire."
There is said to be only ono man who
has a correct idea of the size Of the
United States, and he is the man who,
in 1Sj0-5l, drove an OK team from
Maine to California.
The last subject discussed by debat.
ing society was, "Ifyou had to have a
boil, where would you prefer TO have
it?n The unanimous decision Of the
members was, "On some other fellow"
A South Carolina cOlored boy tried
to unload double barrelcd gun by
placing one end in the fire and blowing
in the other, and succeeded. The moth
er gathered up his remains in basket
A victim Of Greeley's hand writing
says: "If Horace had written the in
scripton on the wall of Babylon, Bels.
hazztr would have. been good deal
more scared than he was.
A man in Troy left boarding house
Just because a rat bit off his ear When
people get to be that particular about
trifles, they ought to quit boarding ard
go to keeping house,
A Connecticut paper says that a law.
yer hung out his shinge in the town of
Bethel, in that State, but left afCer
year, he having had only one case
that was Of infiammatOry rheumatism.
They have new way of getting Up
surprise parties in certain parts of Lui-
nois. A resident receives an anO1y.
nous letter, stating that surprise per.
ty will be with him on certain even
ing. He prepares for it. Nob0dy
comes, and the surprise of the party Is
complete.
A Fond du Lac, Wis, doctor visited
a smallpox patient, the other day, ard
remarked, as he turned from the almost
dying man: "Dig thegrave; the corpse
will be ready" The grave was dug,
but the man recovered, and now the
grave diggerS bring suit against the
physician for their pay.
The following is from the Terro Haute
Mail: "If the party who plays the ac.
Gordon in this vicinity at nights will
only change his tune occasionally, or
sit where we can scald him when the
engine has steam on, he viii hear Of
something to his advantage"
Horace Greeley, in an agricultural
essay on tobacco, asserts that tne cut
will not ripen well unless the tin foil is
stripped from the growing bud early in
the spring; and that plug tobacco ought
to be knocked off he trees with clubs,
instead of being picked off with the
hand.
A pious but uneducated judge closed
q sentence with the following touching
reproach: "Prisoner at the bar, nature
has endowed you with good education
and respectable family connections, in
| stead of which YOU 60 prowling around
the country stealing ducks"
"Professor," said student in pursuit
of knowledge concerning the habits OF
animals, "why does a Cat, while eating,
turu her head first one way and then
the professor, "that she cannot turn it
both ways at once
An Irish jockey, once selling an old
| nag to Il gentleman, frequently ObstIY-
ed with emphatic earnestnesS that he
was an "hOnest" horse. After the pur.
chase the gentleman asked what he
mea mt by an "honest" horse? "Why,
| sir" replied the seller, "whenever /
rode him he threatened to throw ne,
and he certainly never deceived me-"
| Two young gentlemen, the one named
Woodcuck, The other Fuller, walked
together, aud happening to see an owl,
the latter said: "That bird is very
much like "A Woodcock." You are
quite wrong" said the first, 'lOr lis
Fuller in the head, Fuller in the eyes,
and Fuller all over"
The celebrated DR.. Barnes, being in.
clined to sleep during a dull sermon, a
friend who was with him iOked him on
having nodded now and then. Barnes
insisted that he had been awake all the
time. "Well, then" said his friend,
"can you tell me what the sermon was
about?" "Yes, / can" he answered,
"it was about an hour too long"
A Kansas billiard table is thus de
scribed: First, in the middle of the
florO was an enormously large box on
which was laid about wagon load of
sand stone, covered with about eight
yards of blue jean. For pockets they
had old boots for cues they had Old
broken hoe handles; boiled eggs for
balls, and to count this lovely game
they used dried apples on clothes
line"
\ woman committed suicide by
hanging herself to an apple tree. At
the funeral a neighbOr, noticing the sad
appearance of the husband, consoled
him by saying that be he'd met with a
terrible less. Yes" said the husband,
heaving a sigh, "she must have kicked
like thunder to shake off six bushels Of
green apples that would have been
worth dollar bushel when they got
; ripe !"
{ An Irish soldier once returning from
battle in the night, marching a little
way behind his companion, called out
to him, "Hallo, Pat l have taken a
prisoner"
e Bring him along then; bring him
along"
, "He won't come"
; "Well, then come yourself"
"He tOOnt let me-"
+ London Punch contains this account
of "a Young POsitivist:" "Parson-
What is miracle? BOy-Dunno
= Parson-Well, If the sun were to shine
. in the middle of the night, what shouic
/ YOU say it was? Boy-The moon
!. Parson-But if you were told it wa
: the sun, what should YOU say it was
n BOy-A lie Parsou-I don't tell lies
e SUPPOSE | told you it was the sun, wha
3 would you say them Boy-That ye
q wasn't sober"
e A doctor was called in to see a patien
lie whose native land was Ireland, anC
whose native drink was whiskey. Wa
ter was prescribed as the only. cure
~ .o..lI ..n..o,. hrinl. Il Ihnn milk wa