The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-08-16
Humorous.

o
Partridges in Connecticut are tame
enough to eat from the hand-when prop
erly cooked.
Davenport, Ia, has a girl who spells
backwards. We never thought back.
wards was hard word to spell, before.
The Cleveland Herald mentions an
organ grinder of that city as ian old
veteran suicide inducer."
A man in Washington has joined
eighteen secret societies, in hopes OF
having the biggest kind of funeral.
1t is Just as impossible to get along
without advertising as it is for a cross.
eyed man TO borrow gun.
A small girl defined dust as "mud
with the juice squeezed out"
A Leavenworth (Kansasl paper
speaks Of Kansas city as fright old
fungus whose territory lis carpeted With
three.ply mortgages"
An Omaha paper says there is no use
in making "such fuss about the shOot.
ing of a constable, Gs thore are forty
candidates for the odice,"
An Illinois lady lately blew down the
chimney of kerosene lamp, and the
bIBN DaCh bktAut allN ALllS. 1hOIl
ahan Is no more.
a Chicago woman has married man
in jail. She brags she Is "the only girl
in town who knows where her feller
stays Of nights
Base ball is Of much greater antiquity
than supposed. It was. played in the
Ark when the dove was "put out on a
fy."-N. Y. Times.
The balance of trade is disturbed in
Wilmington. N. C.,by the fact that wa
termelons are only three cents apiece,
while cholera mixture Is half dollar a
bottle.
At the funeral of woman recently,
sympathetic and admiring neighbor
volunteered the information that "for
patient resignation the corpse could
dance all around any woman liv-
ing"
A Stewart county, Georgia, hen has
got herself into no end of trouble by
setting on fourteen eggs and hatched
out twentyfour chickens with several
eggs TO spare.
A man in Georgia jumped from an ex-
press train, going at full speed, to
recover his hat. The corners jury which
Sdt upOu thO iCtulutu u NtE-
dict of temporary insanity.
A Western paper speaks of fine gar
dens surrounded by mountains all
grown without irrigation! 1t would
have been pleasure to see those noun
tains growing.
A Connecticut paper says: can un-
happy and disgraceful family feud In
Danbury was brought to tragic end
Saturday by the head of one family pre-.
senting son Of the other with an accor-
dion.
A Connecticut amateur farmer swings
the scythe with one hand and bears
aloft his trusty umbrella with the other.
The doctors are said to Isit upon the
fence and watch him with unselfish
interest.
The Ohio State Journal addresses the
following caution to its readers: ITO
whom it may concern: Look not upon
the watermelon when it is red, nor upon
the stewed cherry when it giveth its
color in the cup; at the last it biteth
like soft-shell crab, and stingeth like
the cholera morbus,"
A man once went to a lawyers Office,
and desired to know what he should do,
a man having told him to go to hell.
He suavely said: 81 wouldn't advise
you to go; the law don't compel you"
Mr.. John w. Newlin, editor of the
Millville REPUBLICAN,, while endesv-
oring to extinguish fire In that place
the other day, was robbed by some in.
human wretch Of nine dollars--the
savings Of a lifetime. X NeHork CoaIy-
Ter.
A little girl, daughter Of clergyman, +,
was left one day to "tend door," and
obeying summons Of the bell, shs
found gentleman on the steps who
wished TO see her father. Father isn't
in, >" said she, "but If it's anything about
your soul, can attend to you. ! know
the whole plan OF salvation"
At Westport, Mass, as the menageris
was going through the streets, fierce
canine made an assault on the elephant.
An "eye witness" says that the dog in
| about one minute was spread over
several yards Of ground tO about the
thickness Of sheet IRON"
A member of the school board, recent
| ly, in town in Scotland, dropped into
village school, and after hearing the
urchins sing, passed this compliment,
begot of his opera experience: "Boys,
| when l heard your beautiful song to
night, had to work hard to keep my
| feet still. Now, what do you think was
the matter with them?" The answer
came with great promptness, "Chil-
blainthW
The San Francisco folks, to spite tho
| Cinnamon, enacted a law that "no per-
son shall carry basket, or baskets
upon any sidewalk suspended from or
attached to poles, across or upon tue
shoulders" For violating this lucid
decree, one Ah Wong was hauled bst
fore Justice. "But," said the lawyer
''my client hasn't been carrying side
walk suspended from or attached tc
poles.n Here was poser. The learn
ed Judge shook his head and said he
would think about 1t.
An Irishman named Paddy Doolan,a Il
word for everybody, lot 1t hit whichev
or way it might. Paddy went into Z
grocery store one day to buy eggs
HHow are eggs today ?" he asked Of
J the clerk, who was one Of those over
smart fellows, by the way. Eggs arr
eggs o.day, Paddy replied the clerk
looking quite.triumphantly upon two o
: three young lady customers who hap
pened to be in the store. "Faith, I'm
| glad to hear yeeZ say 80, replied Pau
, dy, "for the last ones | got here wer
chickens"
The Norwich Bulletin says that tw'
gentlemen awoko on Wednesday. nigh
with the conviction that they had beef
poisoned Subsequent events strength
| ened their belief, and only energetl
measures saved them. The most pei
: picking mystery, however, is how tn
poison could have been administered
as they stated that they had eaten hotL
ing during the evening but eight or te
soft crabs, some picked clans, thre
Holsters, a little ice-cream, halfa waite
melon, and some more picked clam
!. They think the vinegar in which u
CLAIMS were preserved must have bee
o kept in a copper kettle and so eecon
= poisoned
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