davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01
wHY wonEs ARE ExraAyAeAsy.

Somebody once said that the women of 10,
day are so extravagant in dress and so help
less IN other respects, that none but ricl, men
can afford to marry and foolish people have
been saying the same thing or something very
like II ever SINCE Every time d man fails III
business, people take mental inventory Of hi.
wife's wardrobe, and cry out, Poor fellow
he was ruined by her extrxtaeance W
No account y taken Of his club expenses. ar
his unnecessary restaurant-bills, o. his fast
horses, or the vanity which prompted him to
buy a bigger or finer house Than he needed,
Nothing is said OF his drcss-coats made .bv
some Monsieur Snip, who charges extra price
because he calls himself AN startiss Tailor. y
The man may have gambled his money away,
or have lost it I'M reckless stock speculation.
for an anybody knows to- the contrary while
his wife, believing him to be rich, has dressed
ana lived only as his circumstances warranted,
doing it, too, only for his sake, that he might
not be ashamed to introduce her as his wife.
Or, if she had been as extravaganza as he. the
fault rs his so long as the fact remains that
any proper man can lovingly control the course
of any proper wife, Women are often extpav;,-
CANT. The fact cannot be denied. But that
they are more so than men is by no means
true As fule, every woman wishes to live
within her husbands income, and in nine fami-
lies ont of tens all the eeonomizing is done by
the wife. This constant iteration of tl,e
charge against women, however, has secured
kind of passive acceptance for the theory.
and nothing is more common now than for
young men with salaries of two or three thou.
sand dollars year to lament their inability to-
marry, because women are so extravaganza.
One of these has recently told the public
through the newspapers how it takes an his
salary Of two thousand dollars to support Al
single man; and looking over his bills of items
and finding that 1t takes fifty dollars worth of
periumery every year to keep him sweet. we
quite agree with him that he should not marry,
Hearth and Home.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01

CHAPTER II.

The old Virginian, after surveying his dead
pet for an instant in sorrowful manner, re-
turned the gun and started for his mansion.
The other quickly brought his piece to his
shoulder and called out
Hold on there, Mister!'
"What do you want?" asked the other, as
he turned and beheld "bead" drawn on
him.
cpd like to have you eat the rest of this
crow,
The old man turned and swore, and tore
about in a frantic manner, declaring that
he wouldn't, and that he didn't want any
of the young mans jokes. The cooking of the
gun, and the assurance ON the part of the sol
der that he would certainly put bullet
through the old mans shoulder unless he COM
piled with the demand, induced the Virginian
to retrace his steps. "Now,' said the Ser
geant, 81 want you to eat the rest of that
crow, and no nonsense"
A punch of the rifle on the shoulder of the
old man reused him to quick sense of his po-
sition, and picking up the crow, he endeavored
to bite it. He grew pale, the perspiraton
stood upon his face, he trembled like terrier
his mouth watered, his eyes filed, and it SEEM
ed physical impossibility for him to touch
the crow. The Sergeant compelled him to
take a bite, and it was the only one he took,
for his breakfast came up so rapidly to protest
against crow that the soldier relented and told
him to "git and never to trouble Bucktail
again.
Here would seem to be another proper place
to end this story, but there is still another
chapter
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01
PURITr or sPEEcHl

Nothing SO strongly indicates the man Of
pure and wholesome thought as habitual
purity of speech BY his conversation, among
his own kind, you may always accurately form
an opinion as to the moral worth Of a man.
It is there, where no restraint is supposed to
be placed upon his words, that You discover his
true nature. If he be given to looseness Of
discourse, or his mind wanders to the discus
sion of subjects prescribed in mixed compa-
ny or respectable society, you may justly mark
him as one with whom association is unde-
sirable.
The individual whose mouth is ever full of
indelicate illusions, or whose tongue is ever
ready tripping to give good round oath, is by
no means a person to be courted as a compail-
ion or valued as friend.
If a man reflect, after vomiting forth an
obscene expression or disgusting blasphemy,
he must feel his self-respeet shocked, if ha-
bitual profanity or obscenity have not already
destroyed it entirely. An observing person
cannot fail to note with feelings akin DO horror
the prevalence of the vice that we condemn
among not only grown persons but the youth
-. Wi eAoiout diiu our StTeeb cOfItfS
often within the hearing of the most sensitive
and refined females sometimes even leveled at
the ears of young ladies and young girls ON
their way to and from school and other places.
These cigar-smoking and profane boys and
adolescent youths acquire this habit from the
pernicious example of their elders, against
whom the rigor of the law should in every
possible case be enforced.
Another of the causes, and a most potent
cause, of the growth and extent of this evil,
is the introduction in magazine articles or
newspaper reports, of profanity, and the care
less habits of authors and actors in stage plays,
where they aim to give strength or emphasis
to their intrinsically weak creations or rendi-
lions by coarse or profane epthets, interjee-
tions or illusions.
These violations of deeency and sense,
added to the polluting pictorials that are shame
lessly displayed and sold from every news
vender's shop or stall, are exerting an infu-
enee ON the thoughts and passions of our peo-
pie, young and old, whose consequences are
in the highest degree deleterious to the growth
of those qualities which make good men and
good women in society, as well as good citi-
zens in civil life.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01

How TO MAKE YOURSELF UNHAPpY.-In
the first place, if you want to make yourself
miserable, be selfish. Think all the time of
yourself and your things Don't care about
anything else. Have no feelings for any one
but yourself Never think of enjoying the
satisfaction of seeing others happy, but rather
if you see a smiling face, be jealous lest an
other should enjoy what you have not. Envy
every one who is better off in every respect
than yourself; think unl1indly towards them
and speak lightly of them. Be constantly
afraid lest some one should encroach upon
your rights be watchful against it, and if any
one comes near your things, snap at them like
mad dog. Contend earnestly for everything
that is your own, though it may not be worth
pin for your "rights " are just as much
concerned as if it were pound of gold. Never
yield point. Be very sensitive, and take
everything that is said to you in playfulness
in the most serious manner. Be jealous OF
your friends, lest they should not think enough
of you and if at any time they should seem
to neglect you, put the worst construction upon
their conduct you can.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01
ODDS AND ENDS, BIZ JOSH BILLINGS


Natur never makes any blunders. When
she makes phool she means it,
have finally cum few the konlxlusion that
the majority of mankind kan be edulated on
the back better than in the brain, for good
clothes will always make phool respectable
while edukashun only serves to show his weak
pints.
| never knu man yet whose name was
George Washington Lafayette Goodrich, Esq.
who alwus signed his name for the full amount
but what wus bigger man on paper than he
wus by natur.
As a general thing, an individool who is neat
in his person is neat in his morals.
Man is my brother, and know that am
nearer related to him thru his vices than am
thru his virtews
Thare is nothing about witch the world makes
SO few blunders, and the individool so menny,
as a mans acktual Importance among his fell
low critters.
The only pedigree worth transmitting is
virtew, and this is the very thing that kant
be transmitted
About tile nearest tew absolute insolvency
that man kan git in this world, and think he
is dieing rich, is tew leave nothing but a pedi-
gree tew his family.
Thare is no pashun ov the human heart that
promises SO much and pays so little as revenge
Thare haint no man yet lived long cnuff in
this world to doubt the infalliblity of his judg-
ment
Thare is this odds between a humorous LEX
ter and a scientifick one, you hay got to under
stand the humored lektcr to enjoy it, but you
can enjoy the scientifck one without under
standing it.
Don't lay emmy certain plans for the fewtef,
it is like planting tuds and expecting to raise
tudstools.
A man who is good company for himself is
alwus good company for others.
Ginoone praise consists in naming a mans
faults to his face, and his good qualities tew
his back.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01
FASHION NOT REFINEMENT.

observe that almost all persons who discuss
fashions apologetically, fail to make certain
important determinations. They talk OF
beauty, taste, art and refinement, as if these
things were synonyms with style and fashion.
They point to the beautiful green earth with
its endless profusion of beauty in the forms
and colors of its vegetation. They point up
ward to the spangled heavens, all radiant with
celestial splendor. They tell us that God has
made everything beautiful in his time and
that we should initiate his exquisite creations
II it were really a question of tastc art,
beauty, or refinement, this argument would
be relevant and weighty. We may certainly
aim to build and dress in good taste and with
refinement
But the argument is almost entirely irrelev-
ant. Style is not taste, and fashion is not re-
finement. The prevailing styles seldom cor
respond with good taste, and that only acct
dentally. The female dress fashions of to-day,
as all persons of culture and refinement well
know, are made up of horrid deformities,
tawdry finery and costly vulgarity.
The demt-monde who invent them, and the
journalists who spread them, are not true ar
lists. Indeed, from these inventions we might
almost suppose them to be barbarians A
painter or sculptor would destroy his art repu-
tation If he were to present on canvas or in
marble almost any part of the form which a
girl of the period presents to the eye. An
angel attired in the fashion of the day would
present the appearance of a monster. 1t is
amazing that cultured American women should
submit to such deformities and vulgarities--
women who really possess
IA discerning sense
Ofdecent and sublime with quick disgust
From things deformed or disarranged or gross
In species"
Refined culture, then, does not originate
fashion.
Fashions originate in g the lust of the flesh
the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. !"
The profigate women of our modern Sodom
invent most of them to set off their "feniale
charms " in a bewitching manner. No re-
spectacle lady can walk the streets of an Eu-
ropean city to-day, clad in fashionable attire
and unattended, without exposing herself to
suspicion and insult
Among our respectable American women
fashion is founded mainly on pride. 1t Is an
effort to attain the distinction of superior ex-
cellence, wealth and happiness. 1t is an eff
fort to outrank the masses by outstripping
them in changing our clothes. 1t is an effort
to prove that 1--WE are as good as anybody"
by dressing as gay and stylish as any. It Is
the lowest arena and the silliest struggle that
pride has ever entered.
New styles almost uniformly appear hideous,
and they are usually hideous indeed. But
they are soon associated with wealth, pleasure
and aristocracy, and by an illusion of fancy,
they are invested with a kind of fictitious
beauty and loneliness. In discussing this sub
ject, then, we should clearly understand that
style does not usually originate in taste, but
in lust and pride, and that fashion is not us,,-
ally an exhibition of refinement, but vulgarity.
Interior.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01
THE PRIMEvAL MAYS PASTORAL.
From 4Appieton's journal.

From Appieton's Journal.
Ny grand father Jock was an ape,
His grandfather Twist worm;
Each age has developed in shape,
And ours has got rid of the squirm
II the law of selection will work in case,
Wen develop, in time, to wonderful race.
Ny sweetheart has claws and her face
Is covered with bristles and hair;
She's feline in nature and grace,
She's apt to get out ON tear,
She's cursed with passion to sing after night;
But these she'll evolve and develop all right
One race has evolved in the sea,
And partly got rid of their scales;
Though cousin by faces to me,
They're cousin to fishes by tails;
But they'll ever remain simply mermen and women,
For selection won't work In the world that they
swim in.
'Tis said that Gorilla the Great,
Who rules as the chief of our clan,
Has found in the annals of Fate
We're soon to evolve into man;
Furthermore that children will doubt whence they
came,
'rill fellow named Darwin shall put them to shame
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01

AT THE PIANo.-Somebody who saw and
heard, thus describes the performance 1t
was young woman, with as many white mus
lin flounces around her as the planet Saturn
has rings, that did it, She gave the music
stool a twirl or two, and fiuffed down ON it
like a whirl of soap-suds iii hand basin.
Then she pushed up her cuffs as if she were
going to fight for the champions belt. Then
she worked her hands and wrists, and spread
out her fingers till they looked as though they
would nearly cover The key board from the
growing end to the squeaky one. Then those
two hands of hers made jump at the keys as
if they were a couple of tigers coming down on
a flock of black and white sheep, and the piano
gave great howl as if it had been trod on.
Dead stop--so still you could hear your hair
growing. Then another jump, and another
howl as if the piano had two tails, and you
had tired ON both of them at once and a grand
clattcr and scramble and strings of jumps, up
and down, backward and forward, one hand
over the other, like general stampede of rats
and mice.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01

SABBATH PIETY.-Here is bit of spicy sug-
gestion from some anonymous source "Thcre
is a mystery about this effect of the weather
on piety. Sabbath heat seems hotter, Sabbath
cold seems colder, and Sabbath rain wetteI
than that of any other day. For the same
measure of heat or cold or rain on weekday
will not keep one from his usual business.
We need Sabbath Almanac, calculated for
our churches, that will show by its weather
scale when it will be safe for vigorous Chris
tan, week and sickly Christian, and COM
mon Christian, to expose himself on the Sab
bath by going to the house of God Such an
Almanac would enable pastors and superin-
tendents of Sabbath schools to know whom
they could depend on in church, Sabbath school
and prayer meeting. / have recently beer
examining microscopic views of the different
snow flakes, a hundred or so of them. | would
suggest to our curious savans an examination
of Sabbath snow, to see il it has a peculiarly
sharp and injurious point"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01
THE BEARD.

= There are more solid inducements for wear
ing the beard than the mere improvement of
mans personal appearance, and the cultivation
of such an aid to the every day diplomacy of
life. The hair of the moustache not only alb
serbs the moisture and miasma of the fogs,
but it strains the air from dust and the SCOT of
our great, smoky cities. 1t acts also in the
most scientific manner, by taking heat from
the warm breath as it leaves the chest and
supplying it to the cold air taken in 1t is not
only respirator but with beard entire we
are supplied with a comforter as well, and
these are never left at home, like the umbrella
and all such appliances, when they are wanted.
Moffat and Livingstone, the explorers, and
other travellers, say that at night no wrapper
can equal the beard. A remarkable fact is,
too, that the beard, like the hair of the head,
protects against the heat of the sun-it acts as
the thatch does to the ice-house but more
than this, it becomes moist with perspiration,
and then, by evaporation, cools the skin. A
man who accepts this protection of nature may
face the rudest storm and the hardest winter.
He may go from the hottest room into the
coolest air without dread and we verify be-
lieve he might sleep in morass with impnnity
at least, his chance of escaping the terrible
fever would be better than his beardless COM
panions -Americ0n artisan.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01

FLArTERY.-There is a vast difference be-
tween the expression of due and delicate
appreciation of merit, and that false and ex-
aggerated praise which is dictated by adula-
ton. The former is always received with
pleasure but the latter. wounds the suscepti-
bilfty of those ON whom 1t is lavished to a
mind rightly constituted, there being nothing
more painful than undeserved, or even Excess
slve commendation.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01
POETRY.
MY HOME.
From the New York Observer.


Not here, within this desert drear
Find my home
The beating sun brings WEAKNESS and DEATH
The hot earth CLOVIS my toiling feet beneath
The shadows fall but rest not on my path
As day by day roam
Not here, where falls the binding tear,
Find my home;
Where hearts that love too fondly must be rent,
Where cloud with sunshine, storm with calm Is blent
Where joys that make with the world content,
Vanish like bllow-foam.
Not here harassed by gloomy fear,
Find my home
So often tempted from the onward way,
So often wand ring from my Lord away,
Shudd'r ring as through some devious path stray
Lest short of life come.
IT'S there within purer air,
My home is given;
Where Jesus reigns, the Lamb for me once slain,
Where sorrows never come, nor sin, nor pain,
Where saints who part ON earth meier part again,
The perfect rest of Heaven.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01

A minister made an interminable call upon
lady Of his acquaintance. Her little daugh-
ter, who was present, grew very weary of his
conversation, and at last whispered in an audi
BILE key, didn't he bring his amen with him,
mammal"
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01

To REMOVE TAS.--It is stated that tan may
be removed from the face by mixing magne-
STA in soft water to the consistency of paste,
which should then be spread OH the face and
allowed to remain minute or two. Then
wash off with CASTLE soapsuds and rinse with
soft water.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01

gB" The Pacific Rural Press says: We
have one farmer in our midst whose bill of ex-
to sack his crop Of the present year, is esti-
mated to be upwards Of $4,000. This unpre-
tending, plain citizen is John Mitchell, Esq,
of Napa county, Cal, who has sown to grain,
this present year, on his own lands, $4,000
acres.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01

At certain church-fair, set of Coopers
works was promised to the individual who
should answer set of comm lrums. A dash.
ing young fellow was pronounced the nm II,
and received set of wooden pals.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01

ANeER.-There is a noble and an ignoble
anger. There are moments and situations in
life when one requires burst of anger to be
able to grapple powerfully and lend justice a
stiang helping hand. But such moments come
seldom; and the danger Of falling, in the an
noyances and little vexations of everyday life,
from noble to an ignoble anger is so great
that we should do all we can to govern and
conquer this emotion and its enuptions.
When our Saviour, in noble wrath, Numbered
his anathema against the hypocritical Phari-
sees, He knew what He did. But we, weak,
narrow-minded beings often know not what
we are doing when our feelings are agitated
A noble, highminded character should not,
therefore, quell any of the feelings which the
Creator has interviewer with his nature but
should so rule and direct them that like the
waves in river, they fertilize its banks with
out inundating them.--Bremer.
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01
CHAPTER 1T.

CHAPTER ILL.,
The next day the old Viginian, smarting
under the indignities he had suffered, in not
only having his pet crow killed, but being
compelled to eat a portion of it, went to the
headquarters of the Bucktails and made COM
plant to the Colonel against the big Sergeant
The Colonel at once sent an orderly for Ser
geant Smith, rightly supposing that he must
be the person referred to- He obeyed the
summons at once. He pushed the door of the
tent aside and entered. Swapping his heels
together and standing erect in the position of
"attention " he brought his right hand quick
~ to the visor of his military cap, and gave
the customary salute to his Colonel
Sergeant" said his commander, very
gravely, edo you know that gentleman? y
pointing to the old Virginian.
g Yes sir" promptly answered the other.
" How did you become acquainted with him,
Sergeant?'' ss-7T-
eve dined together, yesterday, sir .
promptly answered the culprit.
The roar of laughter which followed this
reply need not be described, nor the manner
in which even the old Virgiaian joined The
Sergeant was sent back to his quarters. and
the interview between the old aristocrat and
the Colonel was ended by an invitation to the
latter to dine next day at the old mansion
The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1872-10-01

The following verse contains every letter of
the alphabet:
"God gives the grazing OK his meat,
He quickly hears the sleeps low cry;
But man, who takes His finest wheat
Should lift His joyful praises high"
Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1872-03-20

The champion smoker Of Newark,
S.J., L. Freachlpan At one time,
his regular allowance was fhirty
cigars a day, but the expense of this
i. too heavy for him now, and he
contents hi,nse'f wiz . briar-wood
pipe and 4 daily allowance Of half a
pound Of Virginia tobacco.
Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1872-03-20

After a SOnltaSn state has been
cheated robbed and oppressed until
the carpet-bag sconndrels are obliged
10 III away, then their victim. arc
called Kskiax and placed Under r,ar-
tiaI Law. |s
Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1872-03-20

thihgr to bc kept-your word
and your temper. The former when
dealing with a printcr-thc latter
when disputias wifi a woman. This
may b~edi6eGit, but may be done by
getting . couple or chapters Of job by
Lexington weekly intelligencer. (Lexington, Mo.) 1871-1887, 1872-03-20

Excuse this bit of sarcasm" said
@""he.r"nes 'bHt { nnIst say that
you are an infamous liar anil sco,rn-
drel-" -Estdos fri. BIZ Of IRONY"
said J<&bsto smith a. he knockea
him oycf ith a boxer.