The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1872-05-17
JOSH BILLINGS.
Our Oldest Inhabitants-Two of Them.

Hollow, RaccoOn co., State oy Iowa.
He liz 1876 years old, and kan read
fine print by moonlight 33 feet oph.
He remembers Gen. Washington
fust rate, and once lent him 10 dollars
ten buy q pair ov kaff skin boots with.
He fit in the revolushun, also in the
war ov 1872, ikewize in the late melee,
and SEE he won't take sass now from
emmy man living.
He liz hard shell babtiss by religion,
and SEE he will die for hiz religion.
He waZ konverted $50 years ago, and
thinks the hard-shell liz the tuffist re-
lgion thare liz for every day wear. He
SEE that one hard shell babtiss ken do
more hard work on the same vittles
during hot day than 10 episkopaiites.
He haz alwus used plug tobbako
from child, and SEE he iernt how ten
cheu bi watching a COW cheu her cud.
He haZ never drunk emmy intoxicat-
ing Ticker but whisky, and SEE that no
other Ticker is helthy. He thinks 3
horns day liz enuff for helth.
He haz alwus voted the dimokratik
ticket for the last 10 years, and walk
ed, last fall i'm sloppy weather, Is miles,
to vote for Jim Buchanan.
He haint never seen a rale-rode yet,
nor a wimmin's rite convenshun.
His gratest desire, he tells me, liz leu
see Gen. Jackson, and SEE that he shall
go next year down teu Tennessee ten
see him.
He fatted a hog last year, with hiz
own hands, that weighed 636 pounds
after it waZ drest and well dried out.
He liz very cheerful, and seq he won
dollars ON the weight ov this hog, out
Ov one ov the deakons ov the hard
shell church. He declares this ten be
one ov the proudest acksidents ov his
life, for the deakon waZ known far
and near az a tite kuss.
He tells me that for so years he haz
went ten bed at just IL minutes after
8, and haz arozen at precisely 5 o'clock
the next day.
The fust thing he duz in the morn
ing is ten take short drink, about
inches, and then for ali hour before
brekfasst he reads the almanac. Il
aDu here state that it Il ".IOsh Billings
TURNER'S Almanac" that he reads
asked him hiz opinyun ov gin and
milk az fertilizer. He pronounced it
bogus, and sed that the good old hard
shell drink, aohisky atnodorned, waz
the only speerits that never went bak
on q man.
Hiz habits are simple. For breakfast
he generally ct four slices ov psalt
pork, billed pertatoze, a couple ov
sassagis, hot bisskit, dozen of hard
billed eggs, kups ov rhye coffe, a
small plate ov slapjax, sum phew
pickles, and cold cabbage and vinegar,
if thare waz emmy left from yesterdays
dinner.
Hiz dinner waz alwus lite one, and
he seldom ct ennything but some
billed mutton, sum horned beef, sum
kold ham, and sum injun puddin ten
top oph with.
Hiz suppers were mere nothing, and
consisted simply ov kold psalt pork,
kold horned beef, kold billed mutton,
and, once i'm CRATE while, a phew
slices ov kold ham, with mustard and
hoss reddish.
examined hiz he'd and found that
he had all the usual bumps in a re-
markable state Ov preservashun.
He haz good ear for musk, and
whisselled me Yankee Doodle, with
variashuns.
He waz born a shumaker, but hasn't
dun ennything at the trade for the
last 125 years. He enjoys the best Ov
health, but just now he liz teething,
which he tells me liz hiZ 9Th sett.
He liz a firm beleaver in the Darwin
theory, and SEE he used ten hear biz
grate-grandfather tell ov a race ov
Florida, who had sum little ov the
10
On the subjekt Ov marriage hiz he'd
seems ten be ded level. He sed "that
he had been married Is times, and
proposed again ten Hannah Campbell,
a lady in the naberhood, who waz Is
years old.
asked him what he thought hiz
chances were for obtaining the lady's
hand, and he sed ait lays between
him and one Theodore Whitney, a
travelling korn DOCTOR" and added ''if
Whitney don't look out he would en-
large his head for him."
Upon mi asking him what he at
tributed his immense life and vigor
to, he sed, in klear and distinkt
voice:
"To small horns ov whiskey day,
behaving in the hard shell doktering,
and voting unanimously the demo-
kratik ticket"
/ thankt him very much for the in
formashun he had given me ov him.
self, and asked him if he had emmy
abjekshun to mi putting it into print,
and he manifested a great desire that
should do SO, not forgetting 10 make
special menshun Ov what he had sed
about charging Whitney's he'd for
him, for he thought that would klear
him out ov the naberhood.
left John Bascomb after a deliteful
visit ov four hours, and thought over
ten miself, if thare waz emmy two rules
discovered that waZ alike.
The more thought ov this, the
more i wished could cum akrost
Methuseler for a feu minnitts, and
hear him tell how he managed.
ELIZIBETH MEACHEM.
Lib Meachem las she liz familiarity
called in the township WHARF she re-
sides) liz one ov the rarest gems ov eX-
tenuated mortality that has ever been
mi blessed lux ten enkounter.
She liz not SO old az Bascomb bi
about two years, being about 1914 years
old. Next to Lots wife she liz the
best preserved woman the world kon-
tains.
L reached her place ov residence
early in the morning, and i'm one min
nit after told her mi buZZness her
tongue had phull he'd ov steam on,
and for three hours it run like stream
ov quicksilver down an inklined plain.
asked her thousand questions at
least, but not one of them did she
answer, but kept talking all the time
faster than POchahontas kan pace
down hill ten saddle.
Az near rs could find out she had
lived l94 years simply bekauze she
couldn't die without cutting short one
ov herlstorys.
/ asked her teu sho me her tongue
/ wanted to see if that member waz
badly worn; but she couldn't stop il
ong enuff ten sho it.
This woman haz reached her enor-
mus age without eny particular habits.
She haz outlived every body she haz
kun akrost, so far, by out-talking
them.
The only subject that / cold for
moment kart the flood over her lam
guage with, waZ the fashions +; but this
was subjet upon whitcuh unfor-
tunately wan't.mutch.
AS last hope ov. drawing her out
upon sum fakts az ten her mode ov
life, tutched upon that all-absorbing
topick ten both old and yung-I refer