The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1872-12-26
Valuable ReSipease.

How TO PIX Our A WIFE.-Flnd girl tnat
il 19 years old last May, about the right height,
with q blue eye and dark-brown hair and white
teeth. i,
Let the girl be good to look at, not too phond
of musk, firm dsbeleaver in ghosts, and one
ov six children iii the same family.
Look we'll to the karakter ov her father; see
that he is not the member ov emmy club, don't
bet on elekshuns, and gifts shaved at least s
times week.
Find out all about her mother, see if she haz
got heap ev good common sense, study we'll
her likes and dislikes, eat sum ov her hum
made bread and apple dumplins, notis whether
she abuzes all ov her nabors, ask her servants
how long they hav lived thare, and don't fail
tew observe whether her dresses are last years
ones ixt over.
IF YOU are satisfied that the mother would
make the right kind of a mother-in-law, yu kan
safely konklude that the dauter would make the
right kind Nv wife.
After theze prelfminarys are all settled, and
VII have done Reasonable amount ov sparkln,
ask the young lady for her heart and hand, and
il she refuses, you kan konsider yourself eu-
chered. :.
If. on the contrary, she should say yes, git
married at once, without any fuss and feathers,
and proceed to take the chances.
1 say. take the chances, for thare amt no resi-
pee for perfekt wife, emmy more than thare IL
for perfekt husband.
Thare IL Just az menny good wives az thare
IL good husbands, and i never knew people,
married or single, who were determined tew
make themselfs agreeable to each other, but
what they suckceeded.
Name yure oldest boy sum good, stout name,
not after sum hero but should the first boy be
a girl, I ask it as q favor to me that you kaul
her Rebekker.
/ do want sum ov them good, old-fashioned,
tuff girl names revived and extended.
How TO PIX Our DoG.-Dogs are Citing
dredful skase, and if you don't pix out putty
soon, it will be forever too late.
hav written during my younger days, when
1 knu good deal more than do now, or ever
shall kno agin, an essa onto dogs and IN that
essa klaimcd that the best kind ov dog for
all purposes for q man tew hav was wooden
dog.
The experience ov years don't seem tew
change mi opinyun, and now, az then, rec
kommend the wooden dog.
Dogs, as a general thing, are ornamental,
and the wooden dog kan be made hlly SO, after
any pattern or design that cultivated taste
may suggest. =,
If the wooden dog IL made with the bark on,
30 mulch the better; for we are told bi those
who study sich things that dogs which bark
never blight.
Wooden dogs never stra away three or four
times year, Ike flesh and blood dogs do, and
don't kost or 10 dollars reward each time tew
make them cum bak hum agin.
Wooden dogs don't have the old hydropho,,
biskiousness neither are they running round
and round, and round and round, after them
sells, trieing tev ketch up with wicked flea,
who il bizzily engaged knawing away at the
dog's-continuashun.
Thare amt no better watch dog in the world
than the wooden one Yu set them to watch
ing ennythng, they will watch it for years.
and they ain't krazy, and want tew jump thru
window in minnt, if they just happen tew
hear boy out III the streets whissling Yankee
Doodle" or "SaEly Cum Up"
Wooden dogs wont stretch themselves out in
front of the fire. place, taking up all the hot
room, nor they wont fly at harmless beggar
man. who only wants krust, and tare him all
tew little bits in minnit
If you want tew pix out good dog, pix out
wooden one; they range in price all the way
from 10 cents tew dollar, according tew the
lumber in them; old age don't make them
&ross and useless, and if they do happen tew
loze he'd, ora leg, in sum scrimmage, dose
of Spalding's glu, taken at night, jist before
they retire, will fetch them out all strait in the
morning. JOSH BILLINGS.