, 1872-06-06
Mrs. Twain's Shoe.

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Apropos of the revival of roller skat.
ing here, the following little domestic
colloquy will do;
Mrs. T. Mr.. Twain, am surprised
and grieved to
Mr.. 7. Don't interrupt me, woman
tell you it's absurtl--yon learn to
skate! You'll be wanting to play fairy
in the Black Croot next. tell YOU
skating is an accomplishment suited on
ly to youth and comeliness of face and
symmetry of figure. Nothing is SO
charming rs to see nice girl, in the
coquettish costume of the riaks. With
cheeks rosy with excitement, skimmine
the ice like bird and swooping down
upon group Of gentlemen and pretend.
ing she can't stop herself, and landing
in the arms of the very young man her
father don't allow hsr to know-aud
darting away again. falling on her head
and exposing herself to remarks about
her carelessness.
(Mrs. I. tries to speak. saying Il
l."
Mr. T. Madame. hold your tongue f!
And always taking care to fall when that
young man is close by to pick her up
Oh, it is charming. They look prstty.
and interesting, too, when they are just
learning-when they stand still long
time in one place, and then start one
foot gingerly. tshows howl make q
break for the other side Of the pond
and leave the balance Of the girl sprawl
ing on this side !! But you! You look
fat and awkward and dismal enough at
any time, and when you are on skates
you will waddle of as stuffy and stupid
and ungainly as buzzard that's had
half horse for dinner.
(Mrs. T. tries again to speak): "Oh
-Oh-Ma--"
Dir. T. I won't have 1t, madam =
And you get under a little precsrious
headway, then put your feet together
and drift along, STOPPING your head and
shoulders (shows how and holding out
your arms like you expected . church
was going to fall on you 1t aggravates
the life Of mo Aud Tuesday when /
was ass enough to get on skates myself
and kicked the Irish giants eyes out
the first dish, and lit on my head and
cracked the ice SO that it looked like the
sun with all its rays dropped where
struck, and they fined me ninety dollars
for running the mans pond. Twas ter
ri6ed with the conviction that I had
gone through to the inside world, be-
cause I saw the parallels Of latitude
glimmering all around me and what
was it but you in your awkwardness,
fetching mp over me with your confoun-
ded tilters" on! can't stand the
pew rent, and I won't.
Mrs. T. Mr.. Twain I am surp-
Mr.. T. Hold your clatter. Itell you,
you shan't bring odium upon the family
BY your disgraceful attempts to skate,
sprawling around with your big feet like
. COW ploughing her way down hill in
slippery weather. (shows how.) May
be you wouldn't be 80 handy about dis
playing those feet Of yours il you knew
what occurred when took those shoes
down to get EN- mended.
Mrs. T. What was M7 Tell mo
what it was ? Tell me what it " a. this
minute a! just know it's one Of your
lies
Mr.. T. Oh don't mind, it aint Of any
consequence 60 to bed.
Mrs. I. But it is of consequence -
You have got to tell me you shan't ag-
orayata ma in this ,~~,- - o. ~
bed till I know what il was.
Mr.. T. Oh, it vast anything!
Mrs. T. I know better You're just
doing this to drive me- to distraction.
What did the shoemaker say about my
shoe What did he do i? Quick -
Bristling up to him with clenche hand.
Mr.. T. Well. if you must know, he
-he-however, lis Of no consequence.
Mrs. 7. Mr.. Twain! Shaking her
fist in his face.
Mr.. T. Well. he-took it and gazed
on it long time in silence, and then
burst into tears. (Shows how.)
Mrs. +. Why. you born focl Twain.
are you going stark-staring crazy7
Mr.. T. He just stood there and wept
as if his heart would break. poor devil
There. now, let's 60 to bed .l
Mrs. T. Bed, you lunatic I'll
never close my eyes till l know what the
idiot was crying about-and you won't
either. you can tell me that, Gomez
Mr.. T. Oh (? 1t don't matter.
Mrs. T. Mr, Twain. if you say that
again I'll make yon sorry for 1t. Whist
was that qpsmsa!bsiqll crying about
Mr.. T. Well. he. hs-
Mrs. I, Well. hs. Ont, With it
[Do yon want me to--to-Twain /? III
Snatch them pet sar-locks off till the
sole Of your heads - bald - - top Of
my hand.