Shepherdstown register. [volume] (Shepherdstown, Va. [W. Va.]) 1849-1955, 1872-11-23

ella Prymm, emphatically Il dsw des-
pise baby used to recon snake
the most hateful; but body knows in
general where to look for snakes, and
how to keep clear Of EN-; whereas there
is no getting out of the way of baby.
Go where you will, in town or country,
on land or sea, you find the pestiferous
little critter; and rs for street cars and
steamboats,, body thinks they were
made for their especial accommodation.
If were a railroad president, or steam
boat company, Id have "babics," as
well as 'ladies" cars; and the wonder to
me is that it hasn't been done before
this; 'twould pay sure.
THE first thing baby does is to
holler, and it hollers till its old enough
to use its hands and feet as well as its
voice, and the mischief it does do is be
yond kalkilation. Why, I've had my
ink bottle upset Oh my new carpet, and
my best chiny tea set, with the yaller
rosebud OH III, knocked off the table
l0astways plate and two cups; aud my
"Book of Beautiful Extracts" (that was
given me by Fortified Gruds before he
took to keepin company with the bold
mink Arthusy Wilson, torn to atoms
Almost. And all by baby; or, least
wise, by variety Of EN-, for they're
alike rs basket of peas. And what's
most aggravatin of all is the foolish
mothers excusin' the ''little darlings on
score of "cuttin their teeth, or 'being
so remarkably precious" or something
else equally interesting I've always
noticed that whatever badness baby
is guilty of, it's always set down by its
mother to either its teeth or its smart
ness.
Il wonder what the worrying little
vermins are made for, and why nature
couldn't have sent folks into the world
ready to grow up,or at least old enough
to be OF some use. Now, what earthly
use is a baby, l should like to know :?
a little shapeless lump of flesh and
blood, with its bald head lolloping Oh
one side, and its two goggles eyes star,
ing straight at nothing in its way, cry
ing at everything sensible, and grinning
at everything foolish. And what non
sense they do talk to their babies !!
Why, twas only just now | heard Mrs.
Simmons, next door, chattering on the
back step to that bald-headed monkey
of hers, 'mudders only darlin itty pig
giwiggy Is he hoongry Den he sell
hab tacker for mudder's itty precious
plumpie, apple dumplin, sugar tandy
baby =! Bah its enough to make a
body sick, and for one, don't wonder
that children are so long in learning to
talk plain, with such outlandish gibber-
ish ding donged into their ears day and
night To my mind its more barbarous
than French Injury.
"And the ridiculous way in which
some folks dew dress their babies ! All
smothcred III satin, and feathers, and
laces, and furs, for all the world like a
milioners figgur head. l declare to
goodness that sometimes feel sort OF
pity for 'em just as when | see an organ
grinders monkey sewed up and awood-
en-swored by his side, showing off to a
grinning crowd in the streets; and which
of the two is the most latlable I'm sure
it's hard 10 tell.
:'Innocents, indeed, jest as they don't
know the badness they about, and don't
mean to do it a! Why, I've seen them
kick, and scratch, and bite, and scratch,
and pull peoples hair like young griz-
zilites, and to this day you can't con
vince me that Miss Jones baby didn't
mean it when the little wretch grabbed
hold of my new curls, as | was pretend
in to kiss it, afore Deacon Peabody,
(he week after poor, dear Mrs. Pea
body departed this life, it was) and
pulled the hull on EN- right out afore
his face, comb and all If it hadn't
been for that might hev-but, ahem,
all that ] can now say is that I'm not
likely 10 be pestered out of my life with
one of the ugly, dirty, good for-nothing,
little varmints. OF all the troubles and
trials of this mortal state and valley OF
tears, deliver me from a Jaty ="