The Charleston daily news. [volume] (Charleston, S.C.) 1865-1873, 1872-05-29
THE FIT CONTRIBUTOR.
He will be a Candidate for President
From the Cincinnati Times.l

The hour has arrived. can wait no longer.
The highest Interest of the nation demand
that present myself as candidate for Presl-
dent of the United States. have waited Tor
some one else to bring me out, but IN the null
titude oil candidates no one seems 10 nave
thought of me. don't think very much Of
myself: but man don't want to think OF him.
self to be candidate ior President nowadays
If he had any selt-rpgard at the outset he
would think very little OF himself by the time
he got through with himself.
am one OF the people, might say, one OF
the boys. came up from obscurlty, and l
have brought mp good deal Of obscurity with
mesD-I never had any politics-or much else.
am Liberal" to fault, and ready to receive
votes from any quarter, although l am not
ready to give quarters for any votes.
As for platform, suit yourselves, gentle
men. The lecture platform would probably
suit me az we'll as any other. Having STOOD
upon nearly every platform in the West, iG
would be hard for you to get mp one couid
not stand on. In the absence OF platform
give me four acres, and I'll ''stand" on that.
am the special friend of the laooring man;
No one likes to see o man work better than 1
do. In tact, had rather see man work
than work myself. ] am not only averse to
working more than eight hours, but am op.
posed to working single hour! shant
even work for my elevation, leaving that for
the men who want the office.
amin favor OF paying the national deDt,
It is, In fact, the only debt am in favor OF
paving; and rather than not see 1t paid during
my administration, 1 will pay 1t out OF my own
pocket.
In the matter of civil service reform, in
tend to do the civil thin. by the nation II Ihe
nation does the civil thing by me. Being civil
is 80 rare condition nowadays in the varied
walks of life Ito say nothing about the runs)
that reform is urgently called Tor.
Retrenchment Is my motto. Ii you cant
put retrenchmenL plank in the platform put
In board. am ready to work without any
salary, but shall insist upon my board.
am rather Inclined to free trade. prefer
ring to feel free to trade wherever l pleasei
but If a tariff plank Is necessary to my eiec1
ton, put it In. shall not get on tariff IL
ain't elected.
Pledge me as strong as you please 10 the
temperance men. The temperance pledge
won't hurt me one bit.
No relative shall hold office, no matter
whose relation he may be. I shall appoint
none but old bachelors, childless widows and
orphans. Any man who has relation IN the
world need not apply for an office under my
administration. have few relatives OF my
own holding Office now, but they Shall De
promptly kicked out as soon as am elected.
One 6rother-ln.law has little coal of1ce on
II.
sin on nav neghbors side drinks too much oc.
casionally and gets Office foot. / shall give
him notice to quit Another relative has q
hankering after George Eliss "Ofice." 1t
won't do him any good. You see am deter
mined to reduce the 'relatlVe" expenses OF
the government.
engage not to accept any gift, unless 1t be
the highest office In the gift OF the people. II
I am ever called "0ur present chlef magls-
Irate," 1t won't be chief magistrate OF pre-
sents. Net being man Of commanding pre-
sence anyhow, there wOnla probably be lew
presents that could command. What lew
natural gifts may have, however, shall en-
deavor to retain. They are not worth making
any fuss about.
am not only In favor OF Woman's pghts,
but of Women's rights and let's. am fH9aVor
of women voting, provided they vote for me:
see no reason why woman should not hold
Office, except, perhaps, the difficulty OF gel
ting hold OF 1t. Nor should there be any Gar
to q woman's accumulaling property and sup
porting the family if she wants to.
may be asked how l would treaS tne IN
diaps. wouldn't "treat" them Of all. They
have been treated too much and too of.en;
NV private opinion, however, is, that 1t Will
be treat when there isn't an Injun left
stand by the old constitution that has been
tried. Few men have tried their constitution
more than have tried mine. l accept Inc
amendlcants, every one OF them. When it
comes to amends, lam ready to shout ''amen"
as loud as anybody.
understand there is an ambitious man
named George Francis Train, who asplres to
be President on his promise to free Ireland. l
engage not only to tree Ireland, but to make
Irish Whiskey Tree in the bargain: Shall at
least be able to lie George Francis IN the popu.
lar vote, unless one or the other Of us is Kept
away from the polls. Hang 1t, l believe l
ffaf ha nQUann0rt Rr0thHf6I ID
I shall inaugurate a wholesale emancipation
business as soon as am inaugurated. No
goods retailed at the White House when am
President. I engage to emencipate women
from the thraldom of fashi, |, TO give the
s'boysn, their rights, and abolish the custom
which excludes children in arms from the ee-
waiting and purifying influences Of the theatre;
have pledged myself to free Ireland and 10
free .postage: to free housekeepers from the
tyranny Of servant girls, free pews, free
passes, and treebooters. To free soil. to free
tickets to shows, free drinks, free press, and
~. NJ" Free. trust i am not making myself
too free. FAT CONTRIBUTORS.