Memphis daily appeal. [volume] (Memphis, Tenn.) 1847-1886, 1872-12-10

smallest-5ouled thing TO have any rattle
in it at all / ever saw. Ihad just drank
when all OF a sudden there was a pro-
digious rapping under the table.
"Now, gentlemen" the Professor said,
''the spirits are willing to commune
cate.I' ave thank 'em," said Tom
Collins, devoutly, looking up to the cell
ing, with the idea that they were hover
ing just above our heads. Perkins took
up the first paper he came to, unfolded
it, and read in solemn tones the ques-
ton, "who struck Billy Patterson"
Said Perkins, "SOme spirit who is
familiar with the facts of the case will
answer, and, gentlemen, l will translate
the raps for you and write out the an
swers on this slate.n
We gratefully consented, and imme-
diately the rapping began. l noticed
that be had his left hand under the
table, and / called his attention to the
little circumstance, for l was afraid he
would offend the spirits if he went to
feeling about too close to them. But he
assured me that there was no cause for
alarm, for he always kept his hand
there during q seance, and that his
friends beyond had never signified any
d~ispleasure thereat. The rapping got
lively, and the Professor commenced
writing on the slate. l looked across
the table and saw that Sam Jones's hair
was standing out from his head-radiat-
ing in every direction like the thorns on
a gerkin. 1 could distinctly see the
amount of work the dentist had done in
his mouth, for it was gaping wide, and
his eye were so protTuded that the eX-
preston was stretched beyond recOgni-
tion-it indicated one thing just as much
as another, and nothing in particular.
Sam was evidently ripe for revelations.
"TWho struck Billy Patterson?" read
the professor again.
A. written on the slate)-The pave
ment.
No woman is expected to understand
this response, but every man will.
The next question was: "Who set
Boston on fre?"
This wa announced promptly, with
neatness and dispatch, "Jef. Davis and
Horace Greeley"
Jim johnson, who Is a Radical, here
said, "I don't know that l ever said so
out loud, but 1 appeal to you all if l
haven't all along thought So"
Perkins unfolded another slip, "What
is George Washington engaged in at the
present timer"
Ale and Abe Lincoln are now up
in the seventh sphere, sitting across an
imaginary log, playing old sledge for
nectar. The father of his country is in
his shirt sleeves with a patent Byron pa
per collar on, number fifteen, and the
late lamented has on a pair Of alligator
boots, reaching half way up his thighs,
and a stOve-plpe hat with the nap all
rubbed of.
Next question-How did it happen
that Noah let snakes into his ark?
A.-Shem had been on a spree for a
week before the old mar sailed, and had
'em in his boots, and his paternal deri-
walton didn't know anything about it.
Q.-Who is the smartest man in the
world?
A.-Professor Emilius Quintilian Per-
kins.
Old Perk read this off without hesita-
ton, but with modest bushes, which
did him infinite credit.
Q.-Whois the next smartest?
Att rests between a young man,
which his last name is Smith, and Sol
ONION, the son of David-the Gods have
not yet decided the point.
(Which is the best way TO rid the
city Of smallpox?
Awake every patient q member Of
the City Council, confne the present
members to the pesthouse, and shut off
the nurses and the doctors.
I here slipped in this question:
"What will be the length Of Sam
Jones's days here on earth?n
Bob looked wilder than ever, aud held
his breath as old Perkins, in gutteral
tones, read off the answer:
| ffTNho nrnn1isfnn youth will hand in
his checks, and quit forever this gay and
festive scene, tomorrow night at twelve
o'clock, sharp"
l was astOnished and frightened at the
effect this interesting response had on
Sam. His head flew back suddenly, as
if some one had touched q spring at the
base of his skull, and he rolled out of his
chair and laid ~sprawling on the floor, as
white as a sheet and as cold as death.
He had fainted-badly. Dick Wilson
had a quart Of epizootic drops, which he
uncOrked and "tip-tilted" into poor
SANS mouth and nose, and it acted like
magic. The patient instantly sat up;
we gave him four fingers, without sugar,
and it brought him to his knees; we
magnanimously voted that he should
have M more swig, and that fetched
him up standing. The interesting little
chat with our good friends over the bOr-
der was resumed.
Q.-Who is the greatest General of
modern times2
A.-General Grant.
Q.-Who is the greatest General that
ever lived?
A.-General Grant.
Q.-Who is the greatest General that
ever will live?
A.-General Grant.
Jim Johnson cried, "Rah ! for Grant?p
but he cooled down when the two next
questions were answered.
Q.-Who answered the three last
questions?
"A Radical. He slipped in and
responded before we could stop him, but
he won't trouble us any more.
Q.-Where is he now?
AIN hell.
Jim paled q little under the gils, but,
reaching down into his side-poeket, he
upheaved a two-quart flask of corn-juice,
and turned off about a milk goblet Of it,
and then said, in a firm voice: " Pro-
gress with the exhibition" The next
question was:
1.-THE next time the ace comes when
1 am playing, will it win or lose?"
Peter Tracy bent forward to catch the
answer, which was Eyes" Pete looked
puzzled and onsatisfied-like, but ne said
nothing.
GLOW long will it be before We
have a Democratic President?
A.-Not until the RAIDS steal all the
money.
Q.-What Democrat will want the
Office then?
Ale isn't yet born?
(Which is the meanest drink?
A.-Some drinks are better than
Others, but none are mean.
Q.-WhO answered that?
A.-Zack Chandler.
Q.-Is lack dead?
A.-No, but his soul left him years
ago.
Q.-Who will be the next Mayor of
Memphis?
A.-Ed. Shaw.
Q.-Does no white Radical want the
office?
A.-Oh, yes, lots of 'em, but Ed. lays
over them in point of character, as well
as style, and the darkies go their death
on both.
Q,-Who can make the best tOddy in
the world?
A.-Barbour Lewis.
Q.-Who can beat anybody drinking
it?
A.-The gentlemen around the table.
Little Pepper lifted his hat and said,
''You do US proud"
Q.-Who are the biggest liars in the
world?
A.-Husbands.
Q.-Who do they lie to?
A.-To their wives exclusively, Of
course.
Q.-Ist there any marriages in Heaven?
A.-No.
Q.-Why?
A.-Because there are no women up