Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1872-05-29
ELI PERKINS.
Eli on Rich Browns Boys.
FIFTH AVENUE HOTEL, May II.

Eli on Rich Browns Boys.
From the N. Y. Commercial Advertiser
FIFTH AVENUE HOTEL, May H.
The rich Browns bows
Not the poor Browns boys who live
on side streets, and buy s. tickets, and
swell lin amber kids IN rich young
ladies' $50 boxes at the opera-smart
fellows, who really can't do any better,
but the good-for-nothing rich Browns
boys.
Who are they?
Why, the City is full of them. They
have rich fathers; they drive their
fathers horses their fathers are stock
holders in the Academy, and they occu-
Ply their seats. Their mission is to
spend their fathers money and live like
a barnacle on his reputation. They
don't know how to do anything useful,
and they don't have anything useful to
do. They come into the world to be
supported. They are social and finan-
cial parasites. A poor Browns boy
does the best he can, but these fellows
do the worst they can
Rich girls 6 go for" them on ac-
count of their rich fathers. They marry
them, have a swell wedding, and spend
a life time mourning that they did not
marry brave, strong. working fellow,
who would have felt rich III their affec
tlons, and who, with little help from
fatherin-law, would have hewn his
way to wealth and position.
RULES FOR MAKING RICH BROWNS BOYS.
Below I give the ten cardinal rules
which, if followed, will make rich
Browns Boy out of any brainless son
Of a rich father. Anyyoung New Jer-
sey Stockton, Kentucky Ward, or Mas
sachusetts Lawrence any Darn
phool Republican Prince of Wales can
carry out these simple n es, and thus
attain to the gloriou POSITION of a
Browns Boy. If carr: out they will
produce the same result nine times out
of ten. / have seen them tried a thous-
and times e. IS 4 81
RULES.
First. your father is rich or holds
high position socially, and you are a
good-for-nothing, disipated, darnphool
of swell, without sense or character
TO make q living, pay your addresses tC
some rich girl, and marry her if you can.
Second. Go homeland live with he2
father, magnanimously spend her mon
ey. Keep up your firtations around
town just the same. Gamble little
and always dine at the Clubs.
Third-After your wife has -nursed
You through a spell of sickness, and
she looks languid and worn with anx.
iety, tell her, like high-toned gentle
man, that she has grown .plain-lookine
then make love to her maid - Is
Fourth-If she Objects insult he1
like chlyalrous Browns BoY-te bel
you won't be tyrannized over. Come
home drunk once or twice n week. anf
break the mirrors and empty kerosene
lamps over her Saratoga trunk and into
the baby's cradle. Twit her about YOU
high social position. se1'Tc z-.s-F
| E1fth-This will make her ask for g
separation. You magnanimously grant
it, and as you, by wise American law,
have all her property, you generously
hand her a few hundred, and tell hel
to go back to her father.
SlXth--If she asks you-audaciously
asks you-for any of her OlUn money,
tell, her to go to the D-Dev- Devil "a.
e., the very thing she is doing y
Seventh-If she becomes SO depraved
and shameless as to bring an action fol
divorce against high toned gentleman
like you, spy on her tracks and get {
en- cent Toombs lawyer to blacken hel
| character.
Eighth-to do this, deny the pater-
nifty of your own children, kill hel
morally; but, dog-in the manger-like,
| don't let her have a divorce nor get one
yourself. If she does get divorce,
she can't claim anything but her dowry,
which you, like a heightened Browns
boy, can magnanimously peddle out tc
! her from her own estate aa fEtsao
Nlnth-Now keep mistress and 3
p odle dog, and ride up the park with
them in a gilded lapdaulet every after.
noon. While this miserable misguided
woman Will be trodden III the dust OF
society, you can attain to the heights 0.
modern chivalry by leading at Alexis
and charity balls in public, and breed
ing bull pups and coach dogs at home
Tenth-lf the man whose mistress
you have stolen objects, shoot hin
Through the legs and you will be &;
hero at the Club, and@be given a from
seat by the other rich Browns Boys a
the Jerome races. After you have uset
up your wife's money in dissipation
and brought your fathers gray hairs
down IN sorrow to the grave, get the
det5ri1a71 t4eaoe1aS and shoot yourself
This will create a sensation, and Gauss
every other rich Browns Boy to cal
you heightened and chivalrous, ,anc
your poor, abused wife will go int,
mourning and build with her last mon
ely handsome monument to you
many virtues N Greenwood.
IT..
Sacred to the memory.