davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07
How a Barber Got Even With Mark
Twain.

Mark Twain lectured in Syracuse recently.
In that city there dwcnS barber who, ever
since the appearance of Mark Twain essay on
BARRIERS, has vowed to make the humOrist's
imagination a real experience to him. His OPP
portunity came one Wednesday afternoon and
the Syracuse Courier thus describes the Incl
dent:
A gentleman present whispered to Jake that
the man in his chair was Mark Twain, and on
that hint Jake went for him" Selecting the
dullest razor in the shop, he sharpened it up
little, and then seizing Twain by the nose, with
grip that would bring down a bullock, he
commenced to lathor him. lie soaped him
from chin to eyebrows and pushed the lather-
brush about an inch up his nose, and thence
into both ears, poor Twain in the meantime
SnOrting and squirting like a steam engine
blowing off steam. In vain he persisted that
he did not want his forehead and eyebrows
shaved.
Keep still" said Jake, "I know my
| business"
After Soaping him until he looked like an
albino, Jake laid on the blade. The first stroke
brought tears in Twain's eyes The second
brought him to a sitting position with an ex.
| clamatiOn
Il say that razor is too dull to shave me
with. "
Lay down." says Jake, thrusting him
down in the chair again, that razor will cut a
hair; know my business
Twain groaned, and Jake pulled until the
beard was off and good portion of the skin
with it. After shaving, Jake proceeded to
wash him off, selecting the dirtiest towel in the
shop, one that was used for wiping off hair
dye, and was as spotted as Josephs coat.
Jake soused the water into his eyes and nos
trs. and then wiped them off.
The spectators by this time were unable to
control their laughter and burst out in loud
peaS, in which Jake heartily Joined. Twain
saw the joke, but kept quiet
When Jake told him his hair was coming
out, and offered to sell him bottle of hair re-
! storatve, price three dollars per bottle, Twain
| replied:
f "Well, rather want my hair to fall out, 1
q have too much for comfort.
e Jake then offered to sell him a bottle of
r g Bloom of YOUTH telling him that he was
/ badly treckled.
5 Am II" said Mark, ''well, I rather like
: that If was good looking, and fair to gaze
i upon, the ladies' would all fall in love with me-
and that would make my wife uneasy. As il
h is, she allows me to roam about the country
!. without fear She knows my ugliness will pro-
tect me-"
. Jake saw he could not persecute Mark any
n further, and, after brushing him OF in lusty
and vigorous manner, said:
q "Mr Twain, how did you like your shave? P
n "Oh!" said Mark, this is nothing new
!, Every barber in the country goes for me in The
= same style. am used to it, and, in fact,
rather like il"
% ''Call again." said Jake.
d ''Not if | can help it" replied Mark
to Good day'
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

no other could take his place A proud and
prosperous family brought all their pride and
power to bear on a son to prevent his marry
ing a girl uneducated, rustic and poor. 1
waited for one who never came back, she said.
yet | believe he would come till | read in a
paper his marriage to another. Can you think
what life would believing one, waiting for
one who would never come?
''Hc did come at last. saw him. His
wife had died. Alice was dying. The gray
haired man sat down beside the gray-haired
woman. Life had dealt prosperously with
him, as is wont with men. Suffering and
death had taken all from her save the ustre of
her wOndrous eyes, From her wan and wasted
face they shone upon him full of tenderness
and youth. Thus they met with life behind
them-they who parted plghted lovers when
life was young. He was the man whom she
forgave for her blighted and weary life, with a
smile of parting as divine as ever lit the face
ofwoman. n.-Arthm's Home Magazine.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

DYING jokes OF THE n. Y LEADER.-The
". Y Leader, Mayor \. OIkey Halls paper,
which died at the close of last year, published
it's own obituary to the following effect:
"There is story connected with the Leader
Office that any man who came on the paper IS
sure to die-the only exception being Mr.. 5:
r. Fisk, who was saved by being connected
with the Htraid and by taking a trip to
Europe There is but one printer living who
was on the paper ten years ago This story IS
almost superstition in the office. When the
number of dead men is considered, there seems
to be some truth in the legend When the
present editor took charge of the paper on the
death of Mr. Van Buren,, he was gloomlly and
patronizingly told that he was doomed man.
But he replied that he guessed that rather
than die on the paper hands he would rather
have the paper die on his hands. This is the
last Leader: Gentlemen, this is serious joke,
said Mark Tapley. What's the use of being
iollyY We call the attention of our readers tc
our prospectus for 1872 Next year being
leap.year the Leader will leapit Our readers
will perceive that there is no story this, week
to be continued Its friends and contributor;
are respectfully invited to attend its funeral
from its late residence, No. II Frankfort street
ON Saturday, December 3Oth. Owing to
death in the family, the Leader will receive NJ
New Years calls. No cards.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

CRITICAL PERIODS OF HUMAN LTFE.-From
the age of forty to that of sixty man who
properly regulates himself, may be considered
in the prime of life. His matured strength of
constitution renders him almost impervious to
the attack of disease, and all his functions are
in :he highest order. Having gone year or
two past sixty, however, he arrives at crltl-
cal period of existence the river OF death flows
before him, and he remains at standstlll :;
But athwart that river, is a viaduct, called
''The Turn of Life, " which, if crossed in safety,
leads to the valley of ''old age" round which
the river Winds and then flows beyond with
out boat or causeway to affect its passage,
the bridge is however, constructed OF fragile
materials, and it itdepends upon how its trodden
whether it bends or breaks. GOut, Apoplexy,
and other bad characters, are also In the
vicinity to waylay the traveller, and thrust him
from the pass; but let him grid up his loins,
and provide himself with perfect composure.
To quote metaphor, the Turn of Life is a
turn either into prolonged walk, or to the
grave. The system and power, having reached
their utmost expansion, now begin either tC
close like flowers at sunset, or break down a
once Iniudicious stimulant, a single fata
excitement, may force it beyond its strength
whilst careful supply Of props, and the with
drawal of all that tends to force a plant, will
sustain it in beauty and in vigor until nigh
has nearly set in
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07
BURY ME IN THE MORNING.

e following pathetic and musical said to HI
written b' stephen A. Douglas
Bury me In the morning, mother
D let me have the light
OF one bright day my grave, mother.
Ere you leave me alone with Night.
Alone in the night O! the grave, mother,
Tis a thought Of terrible fear
And you will be here alone, mother,
Aud stars will be shining here
So bury me in the morning, mother,
Ana let me have the light
or one bright day my grave mother,
Ere I'm alone with the night.
You tell of the SayIour's love, mother,
l feel it is in my heart
But, Oh from this beautiful world, mother,
'TiS hard for the young to part;
For even to part when here mother,
The soul is fan to stay;
For the grave is deep and dark mother,
And Heaven seems far away.
Then bury me in the morning. mother,
And let me have the light
or one bright day my grave, mother,
Ere I'm alone with the night.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07
THE PARTING HOUR.
ny EDWARD POLLOCK.

rbors's something in the parting hour
viii chill the warmest heart;
Va, Kindred comrades, lovers, friends,
Are fated Ito part.
Rat this I've seen-and many pang
Has dressed it on my mind
The one who goes is happier
Than those he leaves behind!
M matter what the journey be-
AdyenturOus dangerous, far
To the wild deep, or bleak frontier
To solitude or war
still something cheers the heart that darss
In all OF human kind.
And they who go are happier
Than those theJ leave behind
The bride goes to the bridegrooms home
With doubtings and with tears;
But does not Hope her rainbow spread
Across her cloudy fearsf
Alas the mother who remains
What comfort can she find
But this-the gone is happier
Than the one she leaves behindt
Have you friend-a comrade dear
An old and valued frieud2
Be sure your term of sweet coneourse
At length will have an end.
And WHEN you part-as part you will
Oh take it not unkind
II he who goes is happier
Than you he leaves behind
God wills it so, and so it is.
The pilgrims, on their way,
Though weak and worn, more cheerful are
Than all the rest who stay.
And when at last poor man, subdued,
Lies down. to death resigned,
May he not still be happier far
Than those he leaves behind
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

THE JUDGE IN A TIGHT PLAcE.-Judge
Chambers, of one of the Pennsylvania County
Courts, is an ''old bachelor. y At party in
wa was standing in % a draught, when yJ the JUDGE 5
stepped up and remarked Miss -, l will
protect you from the draught with my person.
She replied DO you promise always thus to
guard and protect me?" Through his proven
bal gallantry he replied: 81 do" Extending
her hand she remarked: Judge, you will
recollect this is leap year The Judge was
for moment nonpluSsed, but finally succeeded
in saying: "You must ask my mother" If
the old lady is alive he is goner; if not, he is
! safe
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07
Love in a Snowdrift.

The Kansas City Times recounts the terml-
nation of very romantic young lady ram
bles. A young and pretty girl named Miss
Alameda Cosgrove, residing at San Diego, last
summer responded to an advertisement in the
HdUerLy .Ndgd=idc for correspondence, with
a view TO enjoy fun and amusement, and per
haps matrimony." The new correspondent OF
the young lady resided at Wathena, Kansas,
and represented himself to be a merchant,
young, wealthy, honest, and IN want OF wife.
A long and loving correspondence enSued be
tween Jerome Markham and Miss COsgrove.
Photographs were exchanged, and Miss Cos
grove was delighted to find her unseen lover
good looking youth, dtSttngue i'll appearance
and decidedly handsome. Finally she consent
ed to come to Wathona to be married. Two
weeks ago she started for Kansas. All went
well until she got on the Denver Pacific.
After leaving Cheyenne the train struck a
DRIFT and became hopeessly stuck fast. While
snow bound near Crow Greek, Colorado, Miss
C0sgrove attracted the attention of Mr. Julius
Emmett, a commission merchant OF Kansas
| City, who perceiying the young lady seated
alone, and evidently unprovided for such an
emergency. very gladly rendered such assist
ancc as was iu his power to give, which was q
valise full of cold food and two buffalo robes
! The young couple were soon on friendly, sOcla
! terms, Miss CoSgrOYe very naiyely reclted hGl
adventures, and was rewarded by Emmett in
forming her that he was single, etc. The!
parted with regret at Wathena, when the
young lady turned to meet for the first tim'
him she was to call her husband. She had
moment to wait before rough, rakish- lookine
individual, at least 40 years of age, made him
self known as her correspondent and expect
ant husband Miss Cosgrovc, finding she ha
been deceived. turned without word an
entered the car and went to Kansas City.
few days aferward the lady married her frienc
Emmett, and she will no doubt often wonder a
the stranl. termination of Irritation in a sno'
drift on the Denver Pacific.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

A YOUNG POsITIvIsT- T-Farson-" What is
a miracle?" Boy" Dunno"
Parson-"Well, if the sun were to shine in
the middle of the night what should you say it
WASP" Boy-''thc moon"
Parson-" But it you were told it was the
sun, what should you say it wasp Boy" A
lie"
Parson-" don't tell lies. Suppose I told
you it was the sun, what would you say
.hen?"
THAT yer WASH { sober
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

We gave statistics, last week, to show that
there are more than 5000, 900 of people in the
limited States who cannot read aud write. More
than 100000 of these are in the Southern
States. and most of them negroes. But the
fact shows the commanding necessity of a
thorough system of education in all the States,
and we believe that the lao should require
every child to be taught to read, write and
cipher.-N, y Observer.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

Mr.. Ralph Waldo Emerson recently ad-
dressed the students of Harvard University at
Washington. Although the day was the
Christian Sabbath. the topics were, as might
have been anticipated. quite miscellaneous and
sufficiently secular. He advised his hearers to
read good books, especially George Herbert, to
find out each his own individual gift and
sphere, and to select as standard authors to be
perused, Gibbon, Boswelps Life of johnson,
Shakespeare, Burke, and Goethe. The Bible
was not mentioned.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

A knowing traveller who had chartered half
a bed at crowded hotel, and who was deter
mined to have the best half, buckled spur on
his heel before turning in. His unfortunate
partner bore the infction as long as he could,
and at last roared out: Say, stranger, II
you're gentleman, you ought to cut your toe
nails -
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

The Journal of Applied Chemistry says that
thousands of pounds of adulteratcd butter are
daily shipped to New York. The articles
most used in this fraud are stearine and marga,-
:ine obtained from the chilling OF cotton seed
oil. Carrot juice colors the compound SO as to
make it resemble choice butter.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

Two business men in Boston failed few
years ago, owing large sum of money to q
banking house in New York. Recently, they
recovered themselves so far as to be able to
pay their Indebtedness, which was considered
an elegant piece of silver plate as a testimo-
NAL Of the regard in which their integrity is
held.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

AS party of ladies were eating an out, door
lunch in the vicinity of the White Mountains,
they were joined by small but sociable and
lively bear The ladies showed their delicate
politeness by surrendering the whole OF the
lunch to the new conner.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

Musical criticism nowadays runs in this
wise: Miss - wore a rich purple suit trim
med with handsome shade of lavender, a
white over garment, tght-htting, with flowing
sleeves, and a white bonnet trimmed with the
same shades of purple and lavender-and she
Snnn fneIN
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

It is said that "two of Darwin's sons have
been ON a visit to the land of the monkeys.
The monkeys were half tickled to death at
seeing them, and asked kindly after their
cal
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

LONG AND SHORT TIME.-How fast time
flies when you are working against 1t; how
slowly when you are working to NIL 1t up!
What difference between trying to get your
work done before your dinner-hour, ana try
ing to fill up your hour before dinner with
work
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

A young and handsome woman in Ken
lucky, Jealous and silly, and married but hVe
weeks, killed herself because her husband
would go to spelling match" at the school
house. when she wanted him to stay h ONE.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

A man who was driving COW through the
streets of Waupun, Wis, was so much fus-
tered by a sudden bow from lady that, in re-
turn, he made bow to the COW and threw a
stone at the ladv
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

Mental pleasures never clog, Unlike those
of the body, they are increased by repetition,
improved by reflection, and strengthened by
eniOVment
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

A gentle female in Tennessee slew man
the other day with cudgel, because he refused
to marry her.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

"Why, Uncle Johnny" said his friend,
lean you afford to cat shad at twenty-five
cents a pound?'' Mine Gott, said Uncle
Johnny, triumphanty, . can put him in my
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

Mark Twain says: Il am different from
Washington; l have higher and grander
standard of principle. Washington could not
lie. I can lie, but | won t.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

The census, it is said, embraces seventeen
millions of women Upon which fact cotem
porary enthusiastically asks, Who wouldn
be a census!"
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

A Michigan man dislocated his arm the
other day in putting on a clean shirt. He
hadn't tried it for so long time that he had
entirely lost the ''knack" OF it.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

One of our horse doctors advertiseS how Vt to
teach horse to sing" This is needless. we
have enough one-horse singers already
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

Two reasons why some persons don't mind
their own business: One is, they havn't any
business and the her, they haven't any
mind.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

A colored gentleman, aged SS, was lately
married in Mobile, and expressed his IN
tsention Of finding some locality, IN Texas where
the place.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

A prominent journalist has offered a reward
of one thousand dollars for a tale that will
make his hair stand on end. He is entirely
bald
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

SAKE graphically describes a certain case Of
beefsteak as IAN infringement on Goodyear 8
patent"
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

The three stages of Darwinism are now said
to be positive, tail; comparative, tailor
superlative, tailless
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

Politeness is like an air cushiOn--there ma
be nothing in it, but it eases our jots wonder
fully.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

A party of l47 Indianians recently went
hunting, and after laborious effort captured
two foxes
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

About one person in fifty is said to have
good luck in the South African diamond
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

An appropriate hymn for Philadelphia
Centennial Celebration-"Old Hundred.
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

An extinct race-Childlike children
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

Mr.. EDToR:- In Beecher's most admira-
bic life Of Jesus the Christ" in narrating the
incidents of this eventful life during the first
year of his ministry, occurs the following
paragraphs which 1 would commend to the
attention of all interested in the subject of
Baptism, and especially to Bro. Flippo:
Smyrna times., 1872-02-07

a." That yer wasn't sober. "
New Orleans Republican. [volume] (New Orleans, La) 1867-1878, 1872-05-18
ON oARONDELET STREET.

The stock market continues dull. The
report is that leEee has some frmness at
81 25, 81 paid, but then the transactions do
not go any further than bids, one holder
remarking it took So to abring down his
persimmOns," and this appearing to be the
general opinion. Such is all the result of
the dividend SO far.
There are no other stocks mentioned.
City certificates are quoted at "A to &c.
Taxpayers are increasing in number, and
tax receipts in volume.
Nothing Is mentioned about warrants,
fundable or not.
The demand for accommodations is on the
increase, the only business being, according
to one of the brokers, ''the pound of flesh
which ShylOck demands" For merchan-
dising this has not been good season.
Store proprietors have not realized from
sales according to their expectations, and
obligations requiring payment, they are
compelled to effect loans The current Of
opinion sets this way, and has been accom-
panied with corresponding buttoning of
the purse strings, enforcing larger rates.
Hence, money is Tightening. Merchants,
instead of the cash to meet demands, viii
be obliged to carry their goods until the
season reopens after election day. Such are
about the only features of the market re-
quiring comment.
Things generally have an appearance of
the outside Of safe door-looking very
much locked up.
New Orleans Republican. [volume] (New Orleans, La) 1867-1878, 1872-05-18
PROPOSALS..
DEPARTMENT OF IMPROVEMENTS,
New Orleans. Nav @ 1872.

DEPARTMENT OF IMPROVEMENTS,
New Orleans, May 8, 1872. !
SEALED PROPOSALS ADDRESSED TO THE UN-
~ derslgned viii be received at this Office until
WEDNESDAY NOON, May D. 1872, for paving with
square block stone Cara Julia, DelOrd, Rampant
and other streets in accordance with specifications
on file in the Office of the City Surveyor.
The work is divided into five parts known as
contracts Nos ], 2, g. and 5.
The city reserves the right to reject any and all
bids.
All parties making proposals for this contract are
required to deposit with the administrator of FL
nance as evidence of their intention to abide by
the adjudication, the amount of twelve thousand
dollars in cash, which shall be forfeited to the
city in case of failure to sign the contract
Bidders to whom contracts are not awarded
shall have their deposits returned to them on the
day adiudicatiOns are made.
No bid will be entertained unless the certificate
of the Administrator of Finance is inclosed there
with, to the effect that the required cash deposit
has been made.
Bids must be for the whole work and made as set
forth in specifications, and Endorsed Proposals
for Paving"
milo I'd JOHN COCKREAf, Administrator.
New Orleans Republican. [volume] (New Orleans, La) 1867-1878, 1872-05-18
ArCrIoN SAFES THIs DAY.

By +. NJ. B. J. MONTGOMERY, at Il A. NJ,
at Old Auction Mart, No. 81 Camp street, a
general assortment of new and secondhand fur
nitGre, etc.
BY E. A. DEsLONDE, at IL o'clock, at the Mer-
chants and Auetioneers' Exchange, lands il
Rusk, Titus, Leon, Walker, Upshur, De Witt
Freestone and Gonzales counties, Texas, and a
tract of land in st. Louis county, MissOuri-sue-
cession Of Hugh SEcKenna.
BY c. E. GIRARDEY & CO., at z o'clock al
Merchants and AuctiOneers' Exchange, six lots
of ground and buildings, Nos. 252, 254, zoo, L'8'
200, 262 and 268 Rampant street; three lots OF
ground and buildings No. 239 Basin street;
square Of ground, twentyfour lots bounded'oy
BienviTe, Cont Clark and Genois streets;
square Of ground: twenty-five lots, bounded Dy
Cont st. Louis Clark and GenOis streets ana
undivided half interest Of sugar plantation on
right pank of Mississippi river-suceession Of
Joseph Lionel Abat; lot of ground and resi-
dence, No 666 Magazine street-successiOn Of
Enoch J. Springbett; lot Of ground and three
story brick house, Nc 253 Charities street, and
ten lots Of ground on LapeyrOuse street-suc-
cession Of John W. Hardie; lot of ground ana
three-story brick stere, No. 1913 Poydras street
for account and risk Of former purchaser-suc-
cesson of William Silliman.
BY S. GUIEAuLT, at y o'clock, at Merchants and
Auetioneers' Exchange, two lots Of ground On
Genius street; lot of ground on Frenchmen
street; three lots of ground on sOlidelle street;
square Of ground bounded by Josephine,
Bartholomew and Celestine streets and the
Burthe prOperty-suecession of August Favre.
81 SHERIFF SAUvINET, at p O'Clock, at MeE-
chants and AuctiOneers Exchange, lot Of
ground corner Of Amelia and Prytania streets
FRANCHISE Quadrus VS.. Mrs, Frances syme Hins-
burger; al the right OF Games Nuttan in
Judgment against the New Orleans and Car
rOllton Railroad Company for $50Oo-Dr. j. N.
Folwell VS.. james NuttaTl At 10 o'clock, at No.
III Decatur street, goods, merchandise and
movable properly on said premises-suecession
IF psarre piuDard VS. J17liau Fa1lOp
New Orleans Republican. [volume] (New Orleans, La) 1867-1878, 1872-05-18

Corn to be delivered in sacks containing not
more than two bushels each; oats IN sacks con
tanning not more than three bushels EACH Hay
and Straw to he well baled. The price must be ex-
pressed in writing and in figures.
The delivery must, if required, commence on the
first of July, 1872 in such quantities as may be d
rected and to be continued in such quantities and
at such times as may he ordered until June 30, 1873
Each bid must be accompanied by guarantee
case the bid is accepted and contract entered
into they will become sureties in a sum equal to
One-fOurth of the amount of the contract for its
faithful performance.
Bidders viii be required to furnish satisfactory
evidence that they are not interested in any other
bid than their own.
ceived.
Bids from irresponsible persons VIII not be con-
sidered.
Proposals to be addressed to the undersigned,
and marked Proposals for Forage
T. R. EDDY,
Ryl6 Ct Chief QuarteTmaster,