Orleans County monitor. [volume] (Barton, Vt.) 1872-1953, 1872-12-16

his 'idiot-sin-cracies,' and describe the
hair as the capillary adornment; and in
stead of speaking of a thing as tied to-
gether, say it was 'inosculated. -
The Pulpit: "You keep me so poor
1 cannot buy the books necessary to keep
me fresh. After the babies are clothed,
and the table is provided for, and the
wardrobe supplied my purse is empty,
and you know the best carpenter cannot
make good shingles without tools. Bet
ter pay up yo1r back salary instead of
sitting there bowling at me. You eased
your conscience by subscribing for the
support of the gospel, but the Lord makes
no record of what man subscribes; he
waits to see whether he pays. The poor
widow with her two mites is applauded
in scripture because she paid cash down.
have always noticed that you Pews
make big noise about Pulpit de6cien-
cies just in proportion to the little you
do. The fifty cents you pay is only
premium on your policy Of five dollars
worth of grumbling.s o critical Pew /!
you had better scour the brass number
on your own door before you begin to
polish the silver knob on mine."oi 81
THE Peao: II think it is time forfyou
to 60 away. | am glad that the Confer
ence is coming. [ shall see the Bishop,
and have you removed to some other
part of the Lords vineyard. You are
too plain Pulpit for such an elegant
Pew. Just look at your big hands and
feet. We want spiritual guide whose
fingers taper to fine point, and one
who would wear, if need be, lady's
shoe Get out with your great paws
and clodhoppers! We want in this
church a Pulpit that will talk about
heaven, and make no allusion to that
other place with most unhealthy climate,
where the weather is always warm, rang
ing from $50 degrees, Fahrenheit, to 500.
I-have a highly educated nose and can
stand the smell of garlic and assafetida
better than birthstone We want an OLE
agimous minister, commonly called oily.
We want him distinguished for his unc-
tuosity. We want an ecclesiastical
y scent-bag, or, as you might call him, a
heavenly nosegay, perfect in every re-
, spect, his ordinary sneeze as good as a
- doxology. If he cry during some emo
. tional part of his discourse. let it not be
Il an old fashioned cry, with big hands or
- coat sleeve sopping up. the tears, but let
- there be just two elegant tears, one from
y each eye, rolling down parallel into a
" pocket-handkerchief richly embroidered
by the sewing society, and inscribed
- with the names of all the young ladies
% Bible-class, If he kneel before sermon
" let it not be a coming down like sou
in want, but on one knee, so aItistically
y done that the foot shall show the twelve
~ dollar patent-leather shoe, while the afore
" said pocket handkerchief is just peepins
3 from the coat-pocket to see if the ladie
10 who made it are all there-the who'll
scene a religious tableau We want
| Pulpit that will not get us into a tear
III ing-down revival, where the people G
'e shouting and twisting about, regardless
" of carpets and fine effect, but reviva
~ that shall be born in a bandbox, an,
" wrapped in ruff1es, and lie on churc
LIZ rug, so still that no one will know it
WI there. If we could have such Pulp
vi as that, all my fellow ews would joi
me, and we would give it hearty SUI
ng port; yes, We would pay him, if we &C
do just what we want. we could afford I
Iys give, in case he were thoroughly eloquen
- Demosthenic, and. bewitching = al
lat quite certain we could, although shoul
'ur not want myself to be responsible; ye
ay he should have eight hundred dollars
no year, and that is seven hundred an
lay sixty dollars year more than Miltc
ISL got for his Paradise Lost, about whi(
"; one of his learned contemporaries wrote
all. The old blind schoolmaster, John Mi
lch ton, hath published tedious poem
red the fall OF. man; if its length be not co
can sidered merit, it has no other Not
6? ing spoils ministers like too big a sal
SER ry. Jeshurun waxed fat and kicked !;
ear it had not been for the wax and the fl
lde he would not have kicked Sirloi
our steaks and mince- pies are too rich
and ministers. Put these men down on c;
the fish and founders, as were the fsherm
OF apostles. Too much oats make hors
to frisky, and minister high-fed is ST
Pew to get his foot over the shaft. If
sim want to keep our pulpits spiritual,
ind must keep them poor. Blessed are t
the poor
II "Stop! stop!' cried the Pulpit; a
axe it seemed to rise higher than before, a
Oh to tremble from head to foot with excl
ei- ment, and the banisters to twist as if
ight fly in indignation at the Pew, and |
was plush on the blackboard to look red
10; fire; and seeing there was going to b
IKE collision between Pulpit and Pew,
e up the aisle and got between them I'll
mad were wide enough apart for me to get
text ord r o,;od ..c;lonoot Tb;s =; ,,roo+ =