The Portland daily press., 1872-04-11

considered a very revolutlonaly oAei"n".ioi'
on her part. We had just goG NOME 10 yea,
strnpuling with very lucid editorial, which
went on to show, in a remarkably thrilling
manner. that if the duty on the raw material
of cotton was reduced one-sixteenth per cent
that exactly 1854 mechanics would be reduc-
ed to starvation, and the average duration. of
their existence depressed to the logarithm of
54,S52. We laid down the paper, took our
glasses off, rubbed them with our handker-
chief, readjusted them upon the bridge OF our
Grecian nose, and looking straight at tne
partner OF our joys, sorrows, anu saiary'
said: - .---e..-, &
''Yon want what?'' ~
ga DOLLY WARDEN, ls1l-ry
the old lady exclaimed, somewhat excitedly,
at the same time splitting some of the cup of
tea she was handing us upon the last-born's
rather neyenseless head. After the baby had
been suppressed, which took some time, she
repeated: ava
IA Dolly Vardenr''
With all the solemnity of which we are
possessed, and we have enough to change
plank into coffin by simply looking at 1T, we
arose in our seat, and, with that celebrated
wave of the hand of Henry Clay when he
babe farewell to the Senate, said:
MADAM, youare well acquainted with the
fact that my position as reviewer of current
literature, an honorable position. Madam,
which, L may remark in parentheses, sup
plies this tender brood with life-sustaining
bread and keeps the woh from the door,
there we gracefully waved toward the back
yard, as if implying that the wolf was prowl-
ing around among the gooseberry bushes
entities me to speak understandingly upon
the characters of fiction. Now, as take it,
Dolly Warden was the lovely daughter of Ga
briel Warden, the locksmith of London, as
will be ascertained by reference to ''Barna-
by Rudge," written by the late lamented
Charles Dickens. In this view of the case, il
L, who am but in the prime of life, should
have said, 81 would like to have Dolly Var
den-''
"Youre fool, old man; sit down. I'll
show you what l mean. Matilda, bring your
father the last number of Hdrper's Bazaar.
Matilda is our eldest, the flower of onr
flock, her fathers pride, her mothers joy.
She arose, took position No. 3 of the dancing
lessons taught in the very select academy OF
Prof. Hoppety-skippety, where she is schol-
ar, and glided like a sunbeam from the room.
(Wepwould not like to be qualified to the fact
that we ever saw sunbeam glide from the
room, but that's the way the writer's put it,
and that's the way she glode.) & " r
She returned with the paper, and our wife
proceeded at once to move upon our intrench-
AuCubS Will W udI Sic 1ucdllb NY DOuy dT-
den." The wonders of this dress at last stole
upon our mind. We were told that it was all
the rage, that nothing else was fashionable
and that our position in society depended up
on having at least one Dolly Warden in the
family.
In an evil hour we consented. The Dolly
Warden should be bought, and with many an
inward groan we counted out the cash.
We had not as yet had our eyes gladdened
49, L., (..l
fashion. The description given us was vague
and hazy, but we waited patiently for the de-
nouement. And we didn't wait in vain. We
saw the Dolly Warden at last, and the shock
to our nervous frame was tremendous.
Returning home one night we missed from
the supper-table the presence of our wife. To
Matilda we said:
''Where is your mother, child@
''Her dress has just come home, and she
wants to surprise you in it, answered oul
daughter.
Suddenly the door swung open, and lady
entered.
There was sort of wild look in her eye, as
we imagined, and she was attired in the most
outlandish style, having on dress with sun
flowers and cabbages and pumpkins worked
all over it, and lot of snakes squirming
around for background
Rising, we said. "Madam, whom do you
wish to seeT' supposing, you know, that the
girl had let her in.
She simply stared at u.s.
''Poor thing! she's crazy" we added "Just
look with what grotesque fancy she has be-
decked hersel. Speak to her, Matilda, OF cal
your mother;' and having said this we sighed
compassionately, and shook our head in a
mourniul manner.
Suddenly that weird female made bolt at
us, grasped our Adams apple in fendsh
manner, and choked us until our face looked
like banner of the Commune.
We had barely breath enough left to gasp
''Woman, what mean you? Matilda, sprine
rattle out of the parlor windowp' when thu
supposed maniac Topped us down into
chair, narrowly missing crushing George Au
gustus, our three-year-old, to death, who hat
just slid off, and said, or rather shrieked:
You don't know me? I'm crazy, am /.
You don't know your wife ?''
Our under jaw dropped in the Cheerful
manner appertaining to skeletons at the mu.
scum, and we could do no more than lool
with sort of idiotic stare, first at the speak.
er and then at Matilda. That lovely child al
last said. Don't you know ma, father
That's her Dolly Warden she put on to show
you"
After gasping awhile, and rolling our eyes
around, and putting our hands to our head
and chuckling wildly to ourself, we came tc
our senses, and the idea suddenly flashed up
on us that this was the lady who loved, hon.
ored and disobeyed US, and the snakes, the
flowers and the cabbages constituted the Dol
ly Warden. a.
Then we lowered to the height of our in.
dignation, and said in calm, measured, and
sepulchral tone:
You can't blame me, madam, for suppos-
ing you are an insane woman; and now that
/ know that you are really the mother Of
these interesting children, will you have the
kindness to retire to the sanctity of your
chamber and peel yourself of that piece O
furniture chintz, or window curtain, or what
ever you call it %
''Window curtain !chintzp' said our spouse
"why it's you that's out of your head. That
a Dolly Warden, and a very pretty pattern
too.n
Madame" we replied, 1--WE may be out O
our head, but if that is Dolly Warden, W,
are most decidedly out of pocket. Why, il
looks like circus dress, and the idea of {
woman at your time of life"
"My time of lifep'
eyes; your time of life. The next thing
suppose, you will be practising the trapezt
act in the back yard
s'See here, now
'Why, it is enough to give man the de
tertum t''e'ae'as to look at it. Who ever saw
such pattern? It's fash wall paper rur
mad"
Samuel
''You look exactly like some japanese tea
sign"
E'Will you" I'll
81 won't do anything of the kind. Yo,
just bounce out here with that Feejee battle
flag, or you'll scare the baby to DEATH" and
having spoken our mind, we sat dowa.
There was an ominous pause for momen
and then Matilda said:
"Why, you ought to be ashamed of your
self, father. It's all the style, and am 60
ing to have one, too; there now.
We felt our brain reeling.
Eyes, and want one: all the girls hav,
got them" Thpg spoke Maria, our secont
We felt it coming on-we knew we wer
going mad.
Amy more" we gasped "are there an,
more? Hadn't the baby better have one
guess I'll get one myself How do they r4ake
up for pantaloons. Ha! ha! ha! (deroniac-
any, Let me have a Dolly Varden. Let
me clutch it, Bring me pattera of mon
keys sealing lamp posts. How would Chi
Park?''
~ X
All the rest is blank. We have Just been
liberated from Kirkbride's and pronounced
cured. But the only way they managed it
was to dress us up in Dolly Warden, marked
out with the ground plan of the streets of
Boston. We are humbled man, and our
family wear Dolly Vardens.
A TRUE ANECDoTE OF ARTEMUs WARD.