The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1872-07-05
TWO RUSSIAN TESTERS.

Jokes, like bills, require names 10
back them aud it will be found that,
IN every nation, some one parsonage,
zeal or mythical, is selected as the lay
figure upon which all popular jests are
GOV common consent displayed. The
English have their Joe Miller, the Ger
mans their Schiltburger and Tyll Eulen-
.spiegel, the Americans their Col. Crock
EFT, the Orientals their Nasireddin ell
khejah; and, in the same way, the
chosen god-fathers of Russian humor
are Balakireff, the jester, and Marshal
.Suvorotf The latter name has long
since passed into history bat the for
mer requires some introduction TO non
Russian readers. Popular traditions
ANTE in representing BalakireH as the
constant attendant of Peter the Great,
who figures largely in all the stories at
tached to the name Of his butioon.
Many of these stories are probably the
fabrication OF later age; but fair pro.
portion of them bear marks OF authen-
ticity, and, as fair specimens OF national
humor, are worth quoting.
On one occasion Balakiretf begged
permission of his imperial master to at
tach himself sto the guard stationed at
the palace, and Peter, for the sake OF
the Joke, notwithstanding him al the
same time that any officer of the guard
who happened TO lose his sword, or be
absent from his post when summoned,
was punished with death. The newly.
made officer promised TO do his best F;
but the temptation OF some good wine
sent to his quarters that evening by the
Gar, to moisten his commission
proved too strong for him and he par
took so freely Is 10 become completetely
q screwed While he was sleeping oil
his debauch,, Peter stole softly into the
room, and.. carried Oft his sword. Balak.
iretf, missing il on awaking, and fright
ened out OF his wits at the probable con
sequences, could devise no better rem
edy than TO replace the weapon with his
own professional lath, the hilt and
trappings of which were exactly similar
10 those Of the guardsmen. Thus equip
ped, he appeared on the parade the
next morning, confident in the assur.
ance of remaining undetected, if not
forced to draw his weapon. But Peter,
who had doubtless forseen this contin.
gency, instantly began storming at one
of the men for his untidy appearance,
and at length faced round upon Balak.
iretf with the stern order, Capt. Bal.
akiretf, draw your sword and cut that
sloven down T.
The poor jester thus brought fairly
10 bay, laid his hand on his hilt as if to
obey, but at the same time exclaimed
fcrvently, "Merciful Heaven let my
sword be turned into wood ~
And drawing the weapon, he exhibit
ed in very deed harmless lath. Even
the presence of the Emperor was power.
less to check the roar Of laughter which
followed and Balakireff was allowed
to escape.
The TESTERS ingenuity occasionally
served him in extricating others from
trouble as well as himself. A cousin of
his, having fallen under the displeasure
of the Car, was about 10 be executed /:
and Balakiref presented himself at
court to petition for reprieve. Peter,
seeing him enter, and at once divining
his GRAND, shouted to him, It's no
use your coming here swear that |
will not grant what you are going TO
ask II
Quick as thought, Balakireff dropped
on his knees, and exclaimed, Peter
Alexeveitch, | beseech you put that
scamp of a cousin of mine to death y
Peter, thus caught in his own trap, had
no choice but to laugh, and sent a par,
don to the offender.
During one of the Cars Livonian cam.
paigns, thick fog greatly INSTRUCTED
the movements of the army. At length
a pale, watery gleam began to show
itself through the mist, and two of the
Russian officers fell to disputng whether
this were the sun or not. Balakirefl
happening to pass by at that moment
they appealed TO him to decide. "Is
that light yonder the sun, brother?"
4" How should l know p answered
the jester i've never been here be-
foren
At the end of the same campaign
several of the officers were relating their
exploits, when Balakirsf stepped in
among them. " I've got little story to
tell, too" cried he, boastfully ga bet
ter one than any of yours ~
:" Let Us hear il, them" answered the
officers and Balakireff began
81 never liked this way of fighting
all in crowd together, which they have
nowadays; it seems to me more manly
IOT each W sldHu Ny hlkuocil anu lHcit
fore | always went out alone. Now il
CHANGED that one day, while reconnoiter
ing close TO the enemy's outposts, | sud
denly espied Swedish soldier lying or
the ground just in front of me There
was not a moment to lose; he might
start up and give the alarm. ] drew my
sword, rushed upon him, and at one
blow cut off his right foot ~
- You fool ~ cried one of the listen.
.ers, "you should rather have cut off his
head ~
So / would answered Balakirefl
with grin, "but SOMEBODY else had done
that already u
AT times Balakiref pushed his wag-
geries too far, and gave serious offence
TO his formidable patron. On one OF
these occasions the enraged Emperor
summary banished hira from the court,
bidding him " never appear on Russian
soil again" The jester disappeared ac-
cordingly; but a week had hardly