Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1872-05-31
An Imaginary Picture OF the SAD
Consequences or Greeley's Election.

SOME OF our readers may nave hlIeuuy
seen the following prophetic tale, but It
is worth reproducing at this time. Ii is
supposed to have been written in 1892 by
Max Adeler, who imagines himself wit
ness Of the terrible scenes which occurred
ut the time of which the story tells. The
English satire, "The Battle of Dork-
ing" supplied the suggestions for this
sad story;
THE CONQUEST OF AMERICA
You ask me to tell you, my children, OF
the events which Immediately preceded
the destruction of the once great Ameri-
can Union, and the capture OF the coun-
try by its present European rulers, and TO
say something also of the causes which
led to these deplorable results. under
take the task with heavy heart, for
whenever revert to that terrible time l
cannot help contrasting our proud condi-
ton up to that fatal year with the humili-
ating position occupied now by the Amer
lean people The story is a short one
In the fall of 1879 Horace Greeley, the
editor of a newspaper in New York, was
elected President of the United states.
The people voted for him because they
believed him to be an honest man. But
he was vain and weak, and he entertained
certain fanatical and preposterous mo-
tions-about agricultural matters, for in
stance-which he was determined TO force
upon the people at all hazards, and de-
spite all opposition. He believed, among
other things, that every man ought 70 go
to the West to earn his bread, and long
before he was chosen President ne used
to advise everybody to move to that re-
gion as a cure for all the disasters which
could befall the human family.
As soon as he reached the executive
mansion. which we used to call the
White House, President Greeley organ
lied an army of two hundred thousand
men, and proceeded to force the entire
population of the seaboard States west
ward at the point of the baYonet. The
utmost violence was used. Those VINO
resisted were shot down. and their DEAD
bodies were carted off to national rae
tory which the President had established
! for making some kind of fertilizer. All
the large cities of the East were depopu-
lated, and towns were entirly empty.
The army swept before it millions OF men,
women and children, until the vast plains
west of Kansas were reached, when the
pursuit ceased, and the army was drawn
| up in continuous line, with orders TO
| shoot any person who attempted to vlslt
the East. OF course, hundreds OF thou
sands of these poor creatures perished from
starvation. This seemed to frighten PresI-
| dent Greeley, and he sent message 10
Congress recommending that 7OO,OOO vol
umes of comic book of his, entitled
"What | Know About Farming" should
be voted for the relief of the starving SUI
ferers. This was done, and farming I'M
Elements and seeds were supplied; and
then the millions of wretched outcasts
made an effort to till the ground. or The
result of this will speak further on.
In the meantime the President was
doing infinite harm to the country in an
other wav. His handwriting was so fear
fully and wonderfully bad that no living
man could read il. And so, when he sent
his first annual message to Congress-the
document was devoted wholly to the tariff
and to agriculture-a sentence appeared
which subsequently was ascertaineu 10
be, Large cultivation of rutabagas ana
beans is the only hope OF the American
nation, am sure" Inc PRIMERS noG
being able to interpret this, put it IN the
following form, in which it went forth to
the world: 'The Czar of Russia couldn t
keen clean if he washed himself IN the
whole Atlantic OCEAN once day" ms
nerversion of the message was immedl-
atelv telegraphed to Russia by the Rus
sian Minister. and the Car was so indlg-
nant that he instantly declared war
Just at this time President Greeley un-
dertook to write some letters to Prince
Bismarck upon the subject of potato rot,
and after giving his singular views at
great length, he concluded with the state,
ment that if the Emperor William SAID
: that subsoll plowing was not good IN
liCht soils. or that guano was better than
f b0nedust, he was "a liar, villain, and
slave" Of course the Emperor also I'M
mediately declared war, and became
an ally of Russia and of England,
, against which latter country Mr. Greeley
had actually begun hostilties already, be-
q cause the Queen, in her speech from the
throne. had declared the 1TS6uale'S advo'
cacy of tariff on pig-iron incendlary,
: and calculated to disturb the peace OF
: nations.
$ Unhappily, this was not the full mea-
sure of our disasters. The President mao
sent to the Emperor of Austria copy OF
;, his book, "What l Know" etc, with his
/ autopraph upon fly leaf. The Emperor
misto0k the signature for a caricature ol
j. the Austrian eagle, and he readily Joined
Il in war against the United States, while
France was provoked to the same act by
= the fact that when the French Minister
= came TO call on MIR. Greeley to present
n his credentials, the President, who wa
: writing an editorial at the time, not com
II pretending the French language, mistooh
the Ambassador for a beggar, and, Win
W out looking UP, handed him quarter ant
ii an order for a clean shirt and grubbine
al hoe, and said to him, "Go west, young
s. man, go WestW
s. So all these nations Joined in making
r war upon the United States. The.
s. swooped down upon our coast ana Ianue'
Or without opposition, for those exposed
) nortions Of our unhappy country wer
a absolutely deserted. The President wa
,. afraid to call away the army from Kansa
-, at first. for fear the outraged peopl
i0 upon the plains would come Eas
in spite of him. But at last he dl
ne summon the army to his aid, and
Oh moved to meet the enemy. 1t was TO
latel Before the troops reached Cinc11
a natl the foreigners had seized WASH
no ngton and all the country east of tn
he Ohio. and had hung the President (whos
Iel loss was not regTetted), the Cabinet, an
every member of Congress. The arm
on disbanded in alarm, and the invader
ed moved to the Far West, where they foun
nd the population dying of starvation b.
m cause they had followed the advice
he Greeley's book to "Try for your first Gro
~ to raise lines, and don't plant more tha
" " a bushel of quicklime in a hillW {
- course these wretched people were at I'll
w mercy of the enemy, who--to his cred
OF be it said-treated them kindly, fed then
en- and brought them back to their o
lp- homes. You know what followed; no
I'd Prince Frederick William, of Prussia, a
iro cended the American throne, and the OF
er, er humilations that ensued. 1t was
fearful blow to republicanism, a blow fro
of which it will never recover. lt made
es- who were treemen, nation of slave
raj 1t was all the result of our blind con
Is. dence in a misguided old man wi
ass thought himself philosopher. MI
nd Heaven preserve you, my children, fro
'nu the remorse feel when / remember tn
aS l voted for that bucolic editorl
,m- ,m- The third fruit-bud from the base
LOT tha mast wears cane throws out larger al