The state rights democrat. [volume] (Albany, Linn County, Oregon) 1865-1900, 1872-09-06
sCIssoRNGs.

his coffin.
Cash advances-Attention to rich
widow.
A drawing-room-The apartment
of dentist.
A girl has a ringing laugh when
she is belle.
Maids of honor-Those who do
not jilt suitors.
A theatrical prescription change
of scene.
Piece-maker-Steam, gunpowder.
and glycerine.
The proper table cover for whist
table Hoyle-cloth.
What is smaller than q mites
mouth? Its tongue.
The spendthrift's prayer-"Leaye
me a.loan, will you?"
Much ado about nobhing-Some Of
our farewell dinners. a
An exchange alludes to morpheus
the god of day"
The refreshment an idle man would
prefer hOaf-cake.
The favorite song of the Siamese
Twins is, "We were Boys Together.
What single State will Mrs. Wood
hull be sure to carry? ',Tennie c."
A cynical bachelor, in speaking of
ladies ball dresses, says: They wear
but little, but they wear that little
long"
II am speaking" said long-win-
ded orator, ''for the benefit Of pos
terity." 'Yes," said one of his hear
ers. land If you keep on much Ion
ger, you audience will be here"
''In the absenca of globes, how do
you illustrate the shape of the earth
do your scholars?" asked a COM
mittee of school teacher. ''I
shows'em my head" was the reply.
Isinglass contains mouth glue, and
Frank reports that he saw two eyes
in the glass at the end of railroad
car he rode in the other morning
which have stuck to him ever since.
The local of an Illinois paper
says that he does not depend
upon journalism for his daily bread
but raises hens. Which moves an
envious rival to ask whose hens he
raises.
The most gallant man ever heard
of is one who refrained from kicking
dog that had bitten him, because it
was female dog. "If it wasn't for
your SEX" said he I'D kick your
head off,"
Connection should be credited
with the LATEST fisherman. The
individual in question is ''fifteeth
amendment" who ties his 6sh-line to
his dog, and when he gets q bite,
kicks his dog.
tOwing to the peculiar arrange
ment of the programme, no piece
cam be repeated" was the answer
Mr.. White received from his land
lady upon asking for second piece
of pie at dinner.
A New York gentleman broke off
his engagement with lady recently
after the wedding cards had been
printed because she would not follow
his advice as to how the bridal party
should stand at the altar.
Infant Prodigy.-Why is your hair
so gray, mamma? Namma-Well,
because you're such naughty child
sometimes. Infant Prodigy.-Wbat
a naughty child you must have beenl
Poor grandma's hair is quite whitel
There is no contention against
necessity, and we should be very
tender how we censure those who
submit to it. 'Tis one thing to be at
liberty to do what we will, and an
other to be tied up to do what we
must.
A painter, being asked to estimate
the cost of painting certain house,
drew forth pencil and made the
following calculation: "a naught is
a naught; three into five twice you
can't: I'll paint your house for fifty
dollars"
Johnnsy, my boy, take this Viii
liam, and get it changed" "What
do you mean by calling me William?"
inquired the wondering lad. "Why,
Johney," replied the poet, "I am
not sufficiently familiar with it to
take the liberty of calling it Bill"
A Democratic voter in Connecti-
cut. engaged to carry his Republican
opponent on his back across a rope
stretched from housetop to housetop
if the Republican ticket should win
the day, and to forfeit 81 900 if he
falls himself or drop his com panion.
This is a pleasant affair for both win
ner and loser.
"Young man, do you ever drink?'
asked mild-looking man accosting
Jones. "Weil, yes, thank you, as
it's cold morning I don't mind, ["
replied Jones, removing his quid of
tobacco. fDon't do it any more, ["
reioined the mild man. "or you will
eventually be damned. Good morn
ing. God bless you"
'tWhy does the operation of hang
ing kill a man?" asked q medical
professor of his Glass; Because, !"
replied one of the students, "inspir-
alton is checked, circulation is
stopped, and the blood suffnses and
congests the BRAIN" .sFudgeY' said
another; 'it's simply because the
rope isn't long enough to let his feet
touch the ground"
''What makes your horse so slow?''
asked a tourist one day in the glen
of the Downs, ireland, of his Celtic