The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1872-03-02
VARIETY.


A bad sign-to sign another mans name to a
note.
A saloon in Watertowu, n. Y, has conspieu-
Ously posted s' vitals cooked here.''
A poor sick man, with a mustard plaster on
him, said /: ~ If should eat loaf of bread I'd
be live sandwich"
An enthusiastic Englishman recently shipped
from Marshalltown by express half dozen prai-
RE hens addressed s. To Her Majesty, Queen
Victoria, Windsor, England"
A shrewd little fellow, who had just began to
study Latin astonished his master by the follow
ing translatOns - Var, man gIR, trap;
VTgiH, man-trap."
A married lady in Connecticut recently fell
into a river and would have been drowned except
that her cries attracted the attention of her hus
band, who, mistakIng her in the dark for another
woman, worked liked beaver to get her out.
A farmer is the nobest work of God. He
rises at = o'clock in the morning, and burns out
q half pound OF wood and kOrds Ov HANDLES, and
then goes out 20 worry the geese and stir up the
hogs.@JOsh Billings
This is the way Troy reporter congratulated
friend on his marriage:
One unfortunate,
RashIy importunate,
Taken wife,
Prof Agassiz, before starting on his scientific
tour, boldly predicted the discovery of sauroids,
pyenOdOnts, pemphiges, gampsOnyches, brachl-
opOls and belemnitic squids. Let see If 1t
will turn out 50.
The poet of the Chicago Post gets off the fol-
lowing:
A soldier and i sailor,
newspaper reporter who couldn't get his pay,
Bank messengers and teilers,
nj a host OF other fellows
Are carprntcrs and mas0us at IS a day.
What would you do if mamma should die?''
LII hon, bnya fhn nf an
intimate acquaintance, of little three year old
girl that we wouldn't take hundred dollars for.
q Well mammal was the melancholy response,
al 'spose L should have to spank myself
.~h Sunday School teacher - out West" upon
iuauiring of one Of his juvenile pupils what ne
had learned sduring the week, was electrified BY
the answer that he had . learned not To trump
his partners ace"
Smith and Jones were at the menagerie, and
the conversation turned Darwin's theory.
ssIOok at the monkey said Smith, - think of
its being an undevel0ped human - - Human -
said Jones, cOntemptuously, g it's no more hu-
man than / am
4 little boy recently became greatly enamOred
of n little TOW trumpet which had been given him.
One night as he was being ''put in his little bed
he handed the trumpet to his grandmother,
saying: - Here, gamma, you blow while
pray :"
4 Tennessee editor, having little faith in pro-
fessioual correspondents, recently went to Wash
ington to write Il series of letters for bis paper
frtl=E--e Capital. One paragraph, devoted to a
muc Aaespected clergyman, spoke of him as a
a. pretty aged minister - What was his horror,
to find hy return mail that the typo had made
him call his friend a . putty-eyed monster"
If all the fools are dead now, they were not
before the death of Mr.. Dickey, of tennessee,
who tried to win a wager that ne could eat four
bottles of brandy peaches and drink the liquor,
with the addition of two glasses of whiskey. lie
finished everything but the last peach before the
alcohol finished him.
An eminent Congressman having been invited
to address college in Maine, wrote his regrets
that il was impossible for him to accept the invi
tatiOn, but by mistake sent a note which was IN
tended for his washerwOman. The note read
thus: Madam-Shirts came all right. Please
starch collars little sitter next time. One sock
missing TCIrs. etc. The washerwOman
surprised to be informed by let,-r that the dis
tinguished Congressman would be unable to dd-
dress ner.
The word bloody has nothing In itself
which can be supposed improper, but it was
favorte epithct Of censUTe III the mouths OF very
low class in London, and therefore the reporters,
when recording the utterances of that class, had
the habit Of - cutting - it. And use Is second
nature 1t came TO pass one day that grand sen
tenee Of Sir Robert Peel's appeared IN the Tunes
after this ludicrOus fashion - Then the genius
of anarchy arose and waving her BY hand,
etc etc Walter, the editor, summoned the de-
linduent in haste and wrath, and distributed to
HIM with much energy sundry fragments OF the
butt end of his mind - But SIR pleaded the
deIinouent, So It's a coarse word, you know"
YES growIed the proprietor, % it Is coarse If
] were to call you e bloody fool it would be