Wyandot County Republican. [volume] (Upper Sandusky, Ohio) 1869-1903, 1872-05-16
Miscellany.
A Love Story without any Nonsense.

Miscellan
Above Story without any Nonsense.
- ONCE upon time there was fair young
maiden, whose name was Mary, although
they called her Moll, for short. She
wasn't a tall, dark-eyed maiden, with clear,
transparent skin, and lips like cherries,
and cheeks suffused with bushes. She
didn't have glossy black hair, sweeping
back in wavy tresses from her queenly
brow, and her form wasn't bit like
Hebe's. No, there was none of those
things-on the contrary, she was short
and thin, and had red hair and freckles,
and she also sported snaggle teeth and
wore pads, but still she was right nice
girl, and there was young man who fell
{. in love with her, and his name was Bill,
although his friends called him William
when they wanted to hurt his feelings, for
he didn't like it much. He wasn't fine
looking, and had neither curly brown
hair nor moustache Not much. Bill
laid himself out on soap-locks. and wore a
goatee that he had dyed twice week.
Now this Bill was in love with Mary,
but did he go and make deliberated ass
of himself? Did he, I say, go into a
grove with her, and in the soft moonlight,
by the steamlet that murmured sweetly
by, and with the tender zephyrs singing
through the foliage, fall down on his
knees, seize her jeweled hand and breathe
his deep affection in the tender accent of
fond attachment, and s'swear, by yon
bright orb above US, always to be thine?"
Did he, l say? You can just bet he
didn't. You can lay out your whole
revenue safely on that. William knew
too much about the price of pants to go
Hopping around on the wet grass with his
good clothes on; besides, he never cared
anything about streamlets or any kind of
cold water, except to mix with his GIN
No, sir, it was exceedingly strange, but
this infatuated William met her at the
alley gate, and he stood right up on
his old legs and says "Say, Moll, old gal,
s'posen we get hitched?"
But how did Mary behave? Did she
go dropping to sleep over on the bricks
in dead faint, or did she hide her gentle
head on his shirt bosom to conceal her
bushes? No, she didn't, and she didn't
say, "Pm ever thine, my own love, dear
William !! Oh, my, no. She looked
right in his yellow eyes, and says: :" I'm
in, Billy I'm the gal for these sort of
things. Go in |" and instead of referring
him to her father, she only said "Won't
the old man bust right out when you tell
him? Ha! ha !'' and she laughed But
she didn't ask William to try to mollify
her fond father. No, no. She very wick
edly advised him to "poke the old man
in the nose if he gave him any of his lip"
She was funny girl, this Mary.
Now, the old man wasn't wealthy, for
he sold soap-fat for living, and so he
didn't think Bill was nosing around after
6 his stamps so when Bill asked him, he
neither ordered him fercely away nor did
the dewy moisture gather in his eagle-eye
as he passed his hem-stitched up there and
said: Bless you, my children, bless
you !' Oh, no, nothing of the sort He
just blew his old red nose in his bardanna
and told Bill to take her along, for he was
glad to get rid of her, he was, and William
would be the same mighty soon, for she
was awful rough on victuals, and always
broke plates when she got mad.
so, you see, there was no necessity for
William to come at midnight's solemn
hour, in cab, and throw rope-ladder
up to her window, and whistle three
times on his fingers, and then, go up,
hand over hand, and bring her down in
one hand and her trunk in the other, and
band-box and an umbrella under each
arm, and whole lot of bundles, and then
get into the cab and fly to some distant
shore. That's the way it would have
been in novel; but Bill said he wasn't
on that lay, and so he just went ont in
the yard, and out of pure joy he skin
ned the cat three or four times on the
grapevine arbor, and then went and got
into his butcher-cart and drove Mary
right down to the magistrate to get the
job done for quarter-for he said he
was some on low prices, he was.
But the very queerest thing of all was,
hoI 4an -
: with scowling visage and black whisk-
ers, who few at him With drawn dagger
and horse-pistol in each hand, and
muttered curse upon his lips, and cried
wildly for revenge" Ha! hal and said
Deathp' and " Villain, thou diestp' Not
any. There was another fellow in love
with Mollie, to be sure, but he was a
weak-eyed young man, who had sandy
hair and wore spectacles and a choker
collar, and always looked scared when
you hollered at him. So, when he saw
that Bill had the best of the girls affec-
tions, he looked all serene, and said: eGo
in, Billy, if you banker for her." and as
Billy was trif1e on the banker, he sailed
right in.
So William, you see, had no trouble at
all-and you couldn't get up an agonizing
novel about him if you tried. He didn't
have any urgent business that called him
to foreign land, and so have to bid her
fond good-by, and swear always to be
true, and then go away and forget her,
and fall in love with dark-eyed Italian
girl, picking grapes in vineyard, with
square towel folded on her head, while
his forgotten and forsaken Mary gradually
faded and pined away, and baf1ed the
physician's skill, and grew paler, and at
last, when the June roses were in bloom,
vrTIvr rpnpn Iry dNrrvr
the open window floated in the balmy
odor of jessamine and honeysuckle. And
William didn't come home at last, and
filled with deathless remorse go daily to
the sweet cemetery and strew flowers on
her grave, and teach her children to lisp
her name Not at all. That is the way
Mrs. E. D. E. N. Southworth would have
done it, but she wasn't round. Billy was
butcher who wore white shirt and a
shiny hat, and he stayed at home and
killed beef and sold it at big price, and
stuck to Mary, and she kept healthy and
wasn't much on the pine, or the fade,
while if any fellows gotto lurking around,
William went right out and batted them
in the eye, he did.
And then, at last, when all was over,
Mary didn't sit in the room while they
dressed her in white, and mixed orange
blossoms in her water fall, and then 90
gently downstairs with six bridesmaids
at her heels, and stand up with her Will
liam, and weep gently while she was
being married by the minister, and then
get lots OF presents, and then 90 to her
new house and live all through the happy
years with Billy, and never know sorrow
or trouble any more. Why, of course she
didn't, for it wasn't her style, you see.
She just rushed up stairs and put on.her
sv1sx L Ia,r 1
nary bridesmaid, and went to the magis-
trates and never wept particle, and got
no presents but fifteen cents from the old