Perrysburg journal. (Perrysburg, Wood Co., O. [Ohio]) 186?-1965, 1872-10-04
THE BABY IN BREECHEs,
by GAIL HAMILTON,


There vas no call for that baby, that I
know OF, There were babies enough be.
fore, When, as breakfast neared it's
close, Harry was heard humping slowly
down the stairs, plt.pat pit.pattering
through the parlors and the library, and
presenting himself at the dining room
door in fresh white frook and radiant face,
emitting angelic whar-whoops of delight,
the old house seemed full of babies, And
when he rushed around the room with
fixed eyes, bent head, and shoulders
thrust forward in frenzied eagerness for
chair, and when he had made good his
divine right to seat at the table by push.
ing his chair headlong into place, regard
less of what broadcloth or ruffles might
interpose; when he had painfully climbed
up into the adult chair, and had brought
his precious nose very nearly to a level
with the table-with what serene delight,
with what entire selfapprobation and
worldsatisfaction did he gaze around
upon us, his aspiring, ambitious, unsatis-
He'd elderSl With what sweet frankness
he poked his sudden fingers into the
peach preserved With what sublime alb.
straction did he upset all the cups
and saucers in his endeavor to
reach the orangesi What a small
of adventurousness, to rise up in his
chair, climb up on the table, and creep
along to the otherwise unattainable sugar
bowl; and when blind and unreasonable
prejudice interfered. with this, his simple
and honorable ambition, what hearty
howls attested to his keen sense of right
to life, liberty and the pursuit of sugar,
until some true friend, more open to con.
viCtion than his progenliors, set the
sugar-bowl on the floor, and restored the
equilibrium to the universe.
Certainly Harry was baby enough to
satisfy reasonable mind. His ignorance
was of the most approved pattern, and
penetrated every fastness in the whole
province of knowledge. He not only,
like Sir Thomas Moore, did not know
Greek at three years of age, but he was
very imperfectly acquaiuted with English.
He had never so much as heard whether
there be any alphabet. He knew how to
tumble all the collars. ribbons and trim
kets out of the upper drawer into kaleid.
escopic confusion. He could toss Billy
the fireman toward the ceiling in such &C.
centric orbits that he would be sure to
strike against the vase and upset the flow
ers on his way down, But of any useful
knowledge-or of any knowledge that
promised to be useful-he was destitute to
a degree that would have charmed the
heart of the most devoted believer in
vital statistics.
But another king arose who knew not
Joseph. Another baby must needs come
peeping and prying into the world, and
Baby Harry must abdicate. The badges
of his royalty must go. All his little
cambria flounces, all his lovely silken-
stitched flannel petticoats, the folds and
tucks and ruilles and ribbons of his in.
fantile grace-the insignia of his inno-
cence, the vestiges of his heavenly crea-
tion were TO be ruthlessly rent away, and
he was to make his debut III the straight
lines and plain surfaces and monotonous
hues and unmitigated bifurcations of the
unbeautiful sex, the sex which is not
lovely in itself, and which borrows no
loveliness from its dress; for even the
most thorough advocate of the equality
of the sexes must admit that the hand
some man is but rough and primi.
tive creation compared with the hand
some woman, and that while the plain
woman, by correct combinations of color
and outline, can ut least reduce her plain
ness to its lowest terms, and sometimes
combine it altogether out of sight, the
plain man has nothing to do but to put
on his hat and coat and fight it out on that
line.
OF course we all knew that Harry must
come to il in time; but why array him
prematurely in the sombre garments OF
manhood? Why put his awful baby ig-
norance and innocence in such grotesque
contrast with his manly garb? 1t is only
for his brief blossoming that he can have
the beauty of drapery. Once out of it
hn nj
cambrics and muslins, and there remains
for him through life nothing but a dreary
waste of trowsers-a pitiless stretch Of
dun broadcloth, scarcely Frightened Ger
tainly' not relieved, by the stiffness OF
starch and uncompromising linen. The
time may come in the floodtide of youth
and love when he will put bouquet in
his button hole. In his famished craving
for color he may possibly indulge blue
bordered handkerchief but not for hin
the broad eXpanse of lustrOus hues; never
for him the rainbow tints, tine sunset
blendings, wherein his sister may luxur
late. 1t is only the short sweet morning
of his babyhood that can be tricked ouI
in curve and color, in feathers and flow
ers, and all fantastic finery.
But the decree goes forth. Off come
the bobbing little petticoats that l love
the chunky little sleeves, so full of the
chunky little arms, the baby waist tha
has nothing in common with the tyTan
man, and never so much as suggests the
arrogance and domination of the oppress
ing sex-and Baby Harry goes into
breeches and ecstasies.
But l have my revenge. With thu
robes he has not put on the soul of man
hood. His awful innocence is too fresl
from heaven to be smothered by JACKIE
and trowsers. He has by no means ye
unlearned the contortions and climbing
the cravings and rollings of his lost es
tate, and his clothes have hard work t.
stay on. 1t is only by the skin OF thei
teeth that the trowsers keep connected
with the jacket. lie emerges from hii
dressingrOom dainty and decorous
"close bottoned to the chin" collal
straight, shoes tied, stockings fast
little man. An hour passes, and the littlt
man has one shoe off the string of thu
other gone. One red stocking has beer
displaced by a black and white striped
one, with the heel cecked defantly ovel
his instep, and the other stocking Il
reefed around the ankle. Both bare
brown, battered knees are surmounteC
with white cotton crown, and the mi
mute breeches are tucked up as high a.
they will 60 around the minute legs
Buttons have treacherously parted com
pany with button-holes, and allow anC
aloft bears Harry his flags of truce. DeaI
little dllapiated man-cOmlcal mockery
and traYe5ty of a man-minikin midget
baby in breeches-such and so great con
fusion comes upon all impatient and evil
minded parents who are not content I,
wait the fiogers slow Unfolding, but vii
have the tiny and tender bud spring sud
denly into the broad hammered rose.
Harry Midget, come here and be re
constructed, What did you see at tn
circus yesterdayY'
A letialent and a baby lefialent."
"And where is Kathrina gomez"
Gone to Frank-an-cisco pulling lus
tily for freedom.
"stop. Tell me what Is the Japanes
Eplhassador's nameW
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS nightly yaway