The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-12-24
H U MoRous EMS.

shO saw hOni'tS ielne eleVaUe MS DaCK
"Oh ! wouldn't he make lovely bus
tie p''
EB The married ladies of Hannibal,
Mo-, have formed Z" Come Home Hus-
band Club" 1t is about four feet long and
has brush on the end of it,
EB poor young man remarks that the
only advice he gets from capitalists is "to
live within his income" whereas the diff
Guilty he experiences is to live without an
income.
EB- An editor says his ancestors have
been in the habit of living one hundred
years. His opponent responds by saying
that "that was before the introduction of
capital punishment"
CB~ A young lady who had many admir-
ers among the limbs of the law, on being
asked how she escaped heart-whole, sup
posed it was owing to the fact, that, in "a
multitude of counsellors there is safety.''
GB- I" Sir" said one of the Barbury-
shore tars to rusty old captain, "did you
ever know coffee to hurt any onep"
Yes, you fool you," was the response
al knew bag full to fall on a mans head
once and kill him."
EB" Fanny" said maiden Aunt,
" You should eat the barley that is in your
soup, or you will never get man."
Fanny, looking up innocently inquired,
"Is that what you eat it for aunty?"
tB- A gentleman, whose daughter had
married man by the name of Price, was
congratulated by one of his friends, who
remarked; 81 am glad to see you have
got a good price for your daughter"
GB- "It's forty years, my old friend
John, since we were boys together.
"Is it? Well, don't speak so loud,
there's that fine young widow in the next
room ~
eB An Irishman meeting another, ask
ed him what had become of his mutual
friend.
"Arrah, now, my dear honey" answer
ed he, "Paddy was condemned to be hang
ed, but saved his life by dying in PRISON.
EB- At dinner party this question was
put to the guests
(Which is the stronger lie or the
truth ?''
After moments consideration Joseph
Proctor replied "Truth, for you may
rely on it."
sB- A chap went to q pork house to buy
pork on credit First he bargained for a
lot of hogs ears next, the clerk SEEM
ing willing to trust he bought hogs
head then growing bold, he said "I
believe I'll take that ham,"
"No you won't, " replied tho clerk "you
are head and ears in debt now.''
cB- An inebriated stranger precpitated
himself down the depot stairs, and, on
striking the landing, reproachfully apostro-
phised himself with "If you'd been
wantin' to come down stairs, why'n thun-
der didn't you say so, you wooden-headed
old fool, an I'd come with you an show
ed you the way"
cB- A down east editor, who has been
keeping record of big beats, announces at
last that "the beet that beat the beet that
beat the other beet, is now beaten by beet
that beats all the beets, whether the origi-
nal beet the beet that beat the beet, or the
beet that beat the beet that beat the other
beet.
eB-An apothecary in Somerville, Mass,
has Scotch terrier which had the singular
fortune, good or bad, to be brought up in
a family of kittens, and he retains such an
affection for his early playmates that he
seizes every kitten he can find and tenderly
carries it home. AS they are generally
claimed or sent back, he is engaged in
continued effort to accumulate family Of
kittens, to make his home happy.
GB- There is man in Doylestown, ten
years of age, who ate eighty breakfasts a
few days ago, and chopped two cords of
wood before walking mile or else he was
two years old, and chopped ten breakfasts,
and ate cord of wood before walking
eighty miles or, he was eighty years old,
and chopped ten miles before walking into
cord of wood at breakfast; or, he was
eighty years old, and walked ten miles, and
chopped two cords of wood before break
fast. 1t was somehow that way.
GB-Two young gentlemen from the
country on their first visit abroad were at
Philadelphia some time since, and in their