The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-08-20
Il . Rous ITEMS


rB- The following congratulatory tele-
gram was lately received by wedding
pair: " Congratulations on your nuptials.
May your future troubles be only little
ones.'' I,ao. t
GB- Bibbs married the other day to a
very quiet not to say stupid girl, with a
face like dolls. Some one remarked to
huntington that Bibbs had been on the
lookout for wife for some time, and had
"wooed and won." huntington said, dyes,
a wooden one, that's just what she is"
sB'@ A drunkard was staggering along
singing at the top of his voice, Crock me
to sleep mother, rock me to Sleep" when
suddenly voice from the other side of the
street startled him by exclaiming, "I don't
know of rocking you to Sleep but I'll stone
you to death if you don't dry up"
G5s- A good story is told of clergyman
in Massachusetts town who forgot his
notes on Sabbath morning, and as it was
too late to send for them, he said to his au-
dience, by way of apology, that this morn
ing he should have to depend upon the
Lord for what he might say, but in the af-
ternoon he would come better prepared.
C2y- How many essential elements are
there in baptism9 9''
Boy: "Three."
Clergyman: "Three !"
"I'm surprised. Don't you know that
there are only two-the word of God and
water?"
Boy: "Why there must be baby and
isn't it an essential element? p"
sB A short time since man in this
county was bitten by dog, and as soon as
he recovered from the fright he declared
that he would kill the animal But the,
dog isn't mad, said the owner 'MadP
shouted the victim, exasperatingly; what.
in thunder has he got to be mad about ?'
He evidently misconstrued the explanation.
GS Two young men coming in from the
country to see the sights after the Chicago
fire, were observed to go into lunch room
and buy ten cents worth of ginger bread
and two bottles Of pop; total amount spent
twenty-five cents. Then they left and
going out on the prairie sat down to partake
when one of them looking up said; 81 tell
you, Jim, if our folks knew what spree
we are on wouldn't they feel uneasy?"
eB" An inhabitant of a suburban town
after spending a convivial evening, was dis
covered among the carrots and cabbages of
his humble garden, wrapped in slumber.
"Well, Bill, said an admring friend, as
he shook the prostrate youth what are you
doing there?" Watching for a hen that's
stole her nest" was the sentenious answer.
"But what are your eyes shut for, Bill ?"
"Don't want the old hen to see me-" gruff-
ly replied the sleeping philosopher.
oB~ Dean Ramsey tells us of one who
was privileged to use the familiarity of an
old friend. He had been SO frequently CEN
sured for certain fault, that his master at
length lost patience.
"John," said he, "you and must part"
"And whur will you be gaun? "asked
John. "Pm sure yen no get any place
like hame;" not supposing it possible that
he should go.
% A western lawyer was accused of
being the owner of q dog which had attack
ed testy old gentleman, and bitten him in
the calf of the leg. Expecting an action
for damages, the wag drew up the following
articles as the ground for his defence: 1st,
by testimony in favor of the general good
character of my dog, can prove that moth
ing would make him so forgetful of his dig
nifty as to bite calf; I'd, he is blind and
cannot see to bite; Sd, even if he could see
to bite, it would be utterly impossible for
him to go out of the way to do so, on account
Of his age, fatness and severe lameness; 4th,
granting his eyes and legs to be good, he
had no teeth 5th, my dog died six weeks
since; 9th, never had dog.
eB In one of his tours, Elder John Le-
land came up at night to a public house,
where he was acquainted, and where he
proposed to pass the night. The landlord
met him with smiling countenance, and
told him that having built new barn, he
was nicely prepared to accommodate the
clergy. "I have" said he, "a very good
stable, with all the improvements, for Epis-
copal horses, and comfortable sort of sta
BILE for Presbyterian horses, while / keep
the old barn for Baptist horses the feed is
according to the style of stable. -" Well,
replied the elder, Everybody knows that I
am Baptist, but my horse is an Epscopa-
liam.