Wyandot County Republican. [volume] (Upper Sandusky, Ohio) 1869-1903, 1872-03-21
Churchyard Wit.

PosT-MoKTKM epigrams have ever been
q favorite form of rustic wit; while many
poet, city born and bred, has beguiled
his leisure by writing humorous or bitter
epitaphs on his friends and foes. Sin
gularly enough, however, we are less IN
clined to Judge these by their relative
cleverness than by the question: Have
they actually appeared on tombstone
Nor is it difficult, in looking through some
such collection of epitaphs as one which
has just been published, to make guess
at those which have thus received the
stamp of genuineness. In the majority OF
cases, i is the incongruity of seeing those
rude efforts at fun upon a gloomy grave
stone which constitutes three-fourths OF
the quaintness of the lines.
The number of sham epitaphs written
on persons of particular trades or profes-
sions is innumerable. Doctors, lawyers,
shoemakers, tailors, and blacksmiths, are
those chiefly honored in this way. The
most ponderous efforts at wit have been
written over these callfngs, in which the
various implements used are generally
dragged in in series of wretched puns.
Some reference is sure to be made to the
blacksmith's vice; the shoemaker is Ger
tain to ''leave his all behind;" the tailor,
most likely, has been clipped by the
shears of death; while the doctor is joked
about his murderous propensities, and the
lawyer about his dishonesty. To this
class the doctor has perhaps contributed
the best series of witty epitaphs. Very
few of these appear in this collection-in
fact, there is but one, if we are not mis-
taken, which refers to doctor:
'.Here Doctor Fisher lies inferred,
Who filed the half Of this churchyard."
The cleverest of those on the legal pro-
fession consists of one line "On Strange,
lawyer"
I. Here lies an honest lawyer, that is Strange"
Then there are the epigrams on per
sonal peculiarities, which are so innu-
merable. Fat men, lean men, blind men,
deaf men, spendthrifts, n1ggards, glut-
tons, and so forth, have each, from time
to time, had their frailties bitterly COM
mented on. Now it may safely be said
that not one of the satirical epitaphs was
ever actually inscribed on a tombstone.
Many references to personal failings ap
pear in churchyards but they are veiled
either in solemn warning or humorous
commiseration. There is, for example, a
metrical epitaph in Darenth churchyard,
which mournfully remarks of certain
victualer that
1.-THE drink that he did love did prove his foe"
Occasionally, too, some village oddity
has died, leaving no relatives to see that
his memory is not made fun of, and over
his grave some comic sexton or local poet
has caused to be inscribed more or less
facetious account of him. But it is clear
that the long epitaphs which are authori-
tatively given to US as coming from this
or that village churchyard are spurious,
if for no other reason than that the cost
of cutting the labored production on stone
would be infinitely beyond the purse power
of the alehouse poet, who is ordinarily the
author of the squib. Besides, the parson of
the district would, probably, have a word
to say to any one burlesquing the sanctity
of the churchyard. 1t was only the other
day that the governors of one of the me-
tropolitan cemeteries refused to allow a
man to record on gravestone that his
child had died "from the effects of vac
cination," a singular instance of the man
ner in which some people fancy they
ought to promulgate their opinions. The
funny epitaph would find much more
strenuous opposition than the bucolic sat
irist probably fancies, if he were actually
to try to have his composition perpetu-
ated in stone. On the other hand, so long
as the village poet remains decorous and
piGus, uncommon latitude is allowed him
in the matter of rhyme. A far more val
liable collection of epitaphs than the one
before us could be made by one who
would take the trouble to wander about
our village churchyards, and copy the re
igious couplets and verses which are pro
fusely placed over the graves. The wild
efforts at getting lines to rhyme are some
Lambeth churchyard there is an epitapt
upon certain William Wilson, which
runs thus:
Here lies the body of W. W.,
Who never more will trouble you, trouble you.
Quite as quaint, but with look of man
ufacture about it, is the following OF
Thomas Woodcock:
'sHere lies the remains of Thomas Woodhen,
The most amiable of husbands and excellent o
N. Bills real name was Woodcock but
wouldn't come in rhyme.-Hzs Widoao"
We have already spoken of the humor
Gus blunders which SO frequently occu
in.epitaphs. The following one is, a
least, probable; and, if it was inscribed
on stone, was most likely the produc
tion of the father, who is enormously de
scribed as being inferred beneath it:
John Palfreyman who is buried here,
Was aged four and Twenty year;
And near this place his mother lies,
Likewise his father-when he dies'
Satirical epitaphs on wives might max
literature by themselves, so constant,
have scolds, and shrews, and slattern
been made the subject of the epigram
matist's pen. Those, however, are in
variably of the spurious sort. Who eve
saw in a churchyard venomous or con
temptuous epitaph on wife? No soone
is the shrew, or slattern, or scold dead
than fit of remorse seizes the repentan
husband, and nothing is thought of bu
her virtues and graces. Epigrams o.
wives are for the most part written b
bachelors. The henpecked husband
too oppressed by his sorrows to think Q
turning them into neat couplets. Abov
all, he is certain not to revenge himself il
that way when the thorn in his side ha
been removed-London Examiner.