Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1872-05-09
Humorous Headings.

Why is Troy weight like an unconsci-
entious individual? Because il has no
scruples.
To dispel darkness from about you.
make light of you troubles.
The Englishman who called the Hoo
sac tunnel a ''blarsted hole, was
precise.
A girl with a ringing laugh caused an
alarm of fire the other day. She was a
belle.
When do young folks grow the most
When they are in love: it increases their
sighs wonderfully.
sis the docthur in :" '.No-wi1 you
leave your name?" AN go home wild
out un?'
At a negro ball in lieu of Not trans
ferable" on the tickets, was posted over
the door, mo gentleman admitted un-
less he comes hisself."
Market reports Tongue, plenty, but
going fast brains, scarce and wanted
cheek, full supply; pluck, market bare;
hearts, unsteady, price fluctuating, most
ly sold for cash ON delivery.
4 printer was once looking for female
apprentices, and accosted man thus
'!Mr. Jones, have you any daughters
who would make good compositors {"
mo, but | have a wife who would make
a good devil!"
s.Mr. Smith. wish to speak with you
privately; permit me to take you apart
for a moment" Smith, (who wasn't
the least bit frightened)-''Certainly, sir,
if you'll promise to put me together
again"
\ Chicago letter says: Another case
of energy is illustrated as follows i
entered a barber shop, took a seat, down
went my head and up went my heels.
In less than two seconds | felt a queer
sensation on my feet, and hosting my
head saw a fellow with kettle and
brush, daubing the soles of my boots.
.sWhat in the name of stewed custard
pie. are YOU doing:" said l. He said he
was pasting up circus bill. ''Says l,
'I'll paste YOU on in the ear, and he
! left. This is energy.
A beautiful young lady who had al
lowed the tendrils of her heart to twine
| fOndly around a strapping great conduc-
! tor on a horse car in a Suffolk county
city, had her affectiOnate nature crushed
| by the discovery that he was taking fare
! from her and dead heading another girl
/ who lived on the same street. She did
not eat pickles and pine away, but wrote
! him an affecting epistle which read
You want to nok down enuff stamps
to get me a paisler shawl and dolley
vardin before sunday or viii put avn
| ing over that girls eye the mex time i
meat her in society. You hear me z"
! A good story is told of a st. Louis
nobby dry goods clerk, who attended q
/ dance i'm the rural district a few even
I ines since. He wore a chevoit shirt, and
| put on a great many airs. He was TAX
/ en- somewhat down, however, when he
/ overheard one country lass saying TO
| another, That chap slings on heap OF
style for feller that wears bed tick
shirt"
Jones and his wife were always quar-
reling about their comparative talent
| for Keeping a fire She insisted that
! Just as sure as he took the tongs into bis
hands to arrange the sticks he put the
fire out. One night the church bells
sounded an alarm, and Jones sprang for
the fire bucket. eager to rush to the con-
/ fiagration Mr. Jones. cried his wife,
as he reached the door, ''1Ir. Jones, take
the tongs."
The san Antonio. Texas, postmaster
received a letter lately n my Nanny.
1t was not delivered till, some weeks at
| ter. a small. fierce looking old woman
4 appeared at the post office window, say
/ ing. Mister. have you got any letter
/ from my johnny when he hit the
! mark al once.