The Portland daily press., 1872-01-12
-sswbo,+[' cl,o;nstit,,tes a stateo
Our Annual Calendar.

Observation-Disclosures bootmakers and
other birds of prey now project their bills,
lacerating impecunious debtors, and settling
the question that billing does not at all re-
semble cooling Snowballing is epidemical at
this period, and everybody takes it freely, that
dreadful animal known to naturalists as the
boy, being hilarious to the top of his hilarity.
country cousins besiege the city, and their
martyred relatives take them to the different
theatres till they 1.-THE relatives, not the thea
tres) are black in the face, and the country
cousins, worn out with the tremendous exer-
tons, finally and happily die!
FEBRUARY comes simpering in, blushing
celestial rosy red and bending under the
weight of million valentines which she &C.
statically directs till the 18th, and then there
with doth inundate the Post-office, and make
a million hearts throb pretty pit-a-pats, two
millions of eyes glow and sparkle like incar-
nate diamonds, and four million hands clap
their velvet palms together, in all the rapture
OF loves young dream!
MARCH.-This month is sacred to Julius
Caesar, who sold the Hides of March to a cur
rier at Rome-not to French courier as in
correctly stated by Prescott-and directly af-
ter leathered the Britons, who lost many of
their Uppers, and also many of their Lowers,
ailu WCIC SbIuCh w bllc Sole Nv the tanning
they got. Bye the bye, Grant was born in
this month, or he wasn't-what does it mat
ter; for where's the historian that sticks to
truth? He couldn't, its SO disagreeable. But
we are wandering. Where are we? All! we
see no, we don't, and as to what we were
going to say about March, you will have the
goodness to return inexperienced to your
graves.
APRIL.-Had it not been for April, we
should never have had umbrellas! This NAV
seem bold statement; but if Won consult
Herodotus 18th chapter 18th verse of the
Koran), you will see that he does not, even
Instantly, allude to it. This should decide
the wager. Was there wager? Well, never
mind, the matter is clear enough to us, and
If Adam and Eve did walk about without UNI
brellas, in this showeriest of months, we are
no longer at loss to conceive their beuuest
OF rheumatism to suffering humanity. April,
we love thee; but never more be officer of
ours! -
MAYA good month for the Poles, who
in the olden time did Rushn' business in
this line. The first Duke of Kent, observing
the frantic manner in which the Muscovians
danced around the poleicular constructions.
placed his forefinger upon his noble borrow
and first remarking, ''softp' (no allusion to
the occiput) continued, Chops, Poles-Poles.
Hops 1 will plant poles, and the hops, like
reading and writing (only he didn't say that
will come by nature" They did! they did !!
grand chorus by Morebeer-they did, and
hence-Beer! Such is May.
JUNE.-The famous letters of Juneius
We're written during this month. June is a
lovely month, take it for all in all, or, as
Thackeray said OF the man who committed
beericide: ''Take him for half and-half, we
ne'er shall look upon his like again." which
he accordingly didn't, for he availed himself
OF the opportunity of dying Immediately after
this; and therefore, if he didn't write the
letters of Juneius, who did? We pause for a
reply. - -
JULY.-Sacred to the Hottentots, and held
IN peculiar generation throughout the Hotto-
man Empire. Hotspur was born in this
month, Mrs. Radcliffe also choosing this peri
cd of the year for writing her "Castle of Hot
ranto." July wears very few clothes, passes
most of her time in the sea, and is intensely
exercised about her back hair. She has a
salty flavor about her, and enjoys her weeds
on the beach, with the other swells and coves,
as natural as you please.
1li AUGUsT.-Everbody lives miserably and
persistently at the seaside while they might
be happy in town, eat impossible food, sleep
or rather convolute on impossible beds, and
lead generally the wretchedest of lives. kneel-
ing down ON the sands of time, and worship
ping tradition and fashion with the ardor of
devotees and the accomplishing fortitude on
ly known to society q la mode, which will die
rather than not be de rigueur. But nothing
matters, nothing is, but what is not; and if
the August beings of society like to live in
misery, so be it, and with all our heart. We
hate August.
SEPTEMBER.-A grand procession of oys-
tiers solemnizes this month, and oysters fried,
stewed, boiled, raw, on the half shell and Sin
every style,' as the legends run, march stu
pldly down the human throttle, and grateful
deglutition on the bivalve waits; everybody
being oysterical and glorying in the fact. In
the records OF oystery, we find no mention of
this enhancing creature till the ninth centu-
ry, when Alfred the Great introduced sing
ing oyster into the Danish camp in the shell
flsh desire of aggrandizing his own Saxonic
SELF Members Of the oysterionic art eat them
largely. 81
OCToBER.-Called by the poets, who are
well, who are-ahem! called by the poets.
brown" russell" mellow ''warm,''
"cmn, "harvesty," 'round-mooned," and
otherwise eloquently adjective by that long
hair'd-bye the bye, does poetry produce long
hair, or are Hyperion locks provocative Of
poetry? Let the Ages answer! See! what
were we going to say about October? We
haven't the slightest idea, which on the whole
is rather an encouraging dispensation, for the
long-hair'd parties have Octoberd him to his
hearts content. Requiescat in pace
NovEMBER.-The venerable Bede died in
this month, and his friends promptly buried
him, telling their Bedes with an alacritv high
ly discredtable to the waves of friendship.
IN. B.-What are the waves of friendship )
His memory is honored in London. on the
9th of November, annually a Bedp being
burnt in Smithfield, to the great endowment
OF the populace! He was an Irish Saint origi-
nally, his real name being Bede'ad. (See
Frolssart's Small Beer Chronicles He was.
however, actually born at Durham, and in
vented the notorious Mustard. We are hap
Ply to state that he is extremely dead.
DEcEMBER.--Cheery, bright, jovial noerry-
making, stalwart, frosty, kindly, starry.
snowy, icy, friendly, Christmasy, lusty De-
cember. We hail thee! we love thee. we ad |
mlre thee, we could not complete the wear
without thee, we garland thy glorious old
head with the glowing red berries of Ed: we
wrap purple robe around thy giant limbs,
In the name of the Prophet Figs, we could
not swear that you are, that we do. or that |
we can! "Hark! bark! we're called. Fare |
wel.-lA MGtthison in the Musical Bulletin.