Wilmington journal. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1844-1895, 1872-06-07
From the Cincinnati Times
TIE FAT CONTRIBUTOR.
EEe VIII Re IA Candidate for President

EKe VIII Re II Candidate for President.
The hour has arrived. | can wait no
longer. The highest interest Of the nation
demand that l present myself as a candi-
date for President of the United States. I
have waited for some one else to bring me
out, but in the multitude Of candidates no
| one seems to have thought Of me. [ don't
| think very much of myself; but a man
don't want to think Of himself to be can
| didate for President nowadays. If he
had any self-regard at the outset he would
| think very little of himself by the time he
| got through with himself.
am one Of the people, might say, one
of the boys. l came up from obscurity,
and have brought up a good deal Of OBJ
security with me. | never had any politics
or much else. | am Liberal" to a fault,
and ready to receive votes from any quar-
ter, although ] am not ready to give quar-
ters for any votes
AS for q platform, suit yourselves, gen.
temen. The lecture platform would pro-
badly suit me as well as any other. Hav-
ing stood upon nearly every platform in the
West, it would be hard for you to get up
one | could not stand on. III the absence
of a platform give me four acres, and Ill
'stand'' on that.
| am the special friend of the laboring
man. No one likes to see a man WoIk bet
ter than | do. III fact, | had rather see a
man work than work myself. l am not
only averse to working more than eight
hours, but am opposed TO working sin
gle hour l shan't even work for my ele-
walton, leaving that for the men who want
the office.
[ am in favor Of paying the national debt.
It is, in fact, the only debt | am in favor Of
paying; and rather than not see it paid
during my administration, | will pay it out
Of my own pocket.
In the matter of civil service reform, |
intend to do the civil thing by the nation
if the nation does the civil thing by me.
Being civil is SO rare a condition now-a-
days in the varied walks Of life (to say
nothing about the runs) that reform is
urgently called for.
Retrenchment is my motto. If you can't
put a vetrenchment plank in the platform
put III a board. | am ready to work with
; out any salary, but shall insist upon my
board.
l am rather inclined to free trade, pre-
. ferring to feel free to trade wherever I
please; but if a tariff plank is necessary to
; my election, put it in. | shall not get on
Il tariff if [ amt elected.
Pledge me as strong as you please to the
temperance men. The temperance pledge
, won't hurt me one bit.
NJ 1GlGI ~ z SLGli 4lOltl CAHAC, 1iO lAdLtti
whose relation he may be. | shall appoint
, none but old bachelors, childless widows
and orphans. Any man who has relation
in tie world need not apply for an office
+ under my administration. l have a few
: relatives ofmy own holding office now, but
! they shall be promptly kicked ou5 as soon
as | am elected. One brother-in-laW has a
little coal Office on the river. He must give
iJ up. a third cousin on my neighbOrS
eide drinks too JpHPf OHcaG inn4lIy and
! office foot. | shall give him notice to quit.
; Another relative has a laundering after
o George Ellis coffee" 1t won't DO him
any coed. You see [ am determined to
4 reduce the ''relative' expenses of the GOV
! eminent.
| engage not to accept any gift, unless it
, be the highest office in the Gift Of the peo-
pie. If am ever called 81 our present CHEZ
: magistrate it won't be a chief magistrate
p of presents. Not beng man of command
ing presence anyhow, there would probably
be few presents that [ could command
! What few natural gifts l may have, how
a ever, | shall endeavor to retain. They are
not worth making any fuss about.
= am not only in favor Of woman rights,
+ but Of womcn's rights and lefts. | am III
' favor of women voting, provided they vote
for me. l see no reason why q woman
should not hold office, except, perhaps, the
difficulty Of getting hold of it, Nor should
= there be any bar to a Woman's accumula-
{ ting property and supporting the family if
she wants to.
| may be asked how I would treat the
Indians. l wouldn't ''treat" them at all.
q They have been treated too much and too
often. Ny private opinion, however, is,
! that it will be a treat when there isn't an
. lnjun left.
p l stand by the old constitution that has
! been tried. Few men have tried their con-
p stitution more than [ have tried mine. 1
f accept the amendments, every one of them.
' When it comes to amends, l am ready to
/ shout ''ameu" as loud as anybody.
) l understand there is an ambitious man
=. named George Francis Train, who aspires
; to b. President on his promise to fee Ire
, land. [ engage not only to free Ireland,
I but to make Irish whiskey free in the bar
gain. l shall at least be able to tie George
Francis in the popular vote, unless one or
the other Of lis is kept away from the polls.
e Hang it, l believe could tie the Daven-
? port Brothers.
5 l shall inaugurate wholesale emanci-
patton business as soon as | am maugu-
: rated. No goods retailed at the White
House when | am President. | engage to
eInancipate women from the thraldom Of
fashion, to give the ''boys" their rights, and
: abolish the custom which excludes chill
l dren in arms from the elevating and puri-
7 flying influences Of the theatre. l hive
t pledged myself to free Ireland and to free
2 postage; to free hOusekeepers from sthe
} tyranny of servant girls, free peWs, free
passes, and frecboOters. To free soil, to
| free tickets to shows, free drinks, free
press, and -. N" Free. | trust L am not
t making myself too free.
FAT (Tn%TPIrI-roI,