Tama County Republican. (Toledo, Tama County, Iowa) 1867-1872, 1872-07-04
Mark Twain on his Travels.

l got into the cars and took scat
in iuxtaposition to female. That
female was perfect insurance COM
pany for her-it insured her against
ever getting married to anybody ex-
cept blind man. Her mouth look
ed like a crack in dried lemon, and
there was no more expression in her
face than there is IN cup OF cold
custard. She appeared as though
she had been through one feminine
and got two-thirds through another.
She was old enough to be great
grandmother to Mary that had a lit
tie lamb. She was chewing prize
popcorn, and carried in her hand a
yellow rose, while a bandbox and a
cotton umbrella nestled sweetly by
her side. Icouldn't guess whether
she was on mission Of charity, or
going west to start saw mill. |
was full of curiosity to hear her
speak, so / said:
The exigencies of the times re-
quire great clrcumspection on the
part of a person who is travelling.
Says she, what ?
Says /, The orb Of day shines re-
splendent IN the vault above
She hitched around uneasy like,
and then she missed her umbrella
and said: i don't want any of your
sass-git OUT and I got out.
Then Itook seat along side Of a
male fellow, who looked like the
ghost Of Hamlet heightened out
lie was stately cuss, and he was
reading.
Said l, Mister, did you ever see a
camel-leopard?' / said camel leop.
ard because it is pious animal, and
never eats any grass without getting
down on his knees. He said he
hadn't seen a camel-leopard. Then,
said I, do you chew 2
He said, No, SIR
Then l SAID, How sweet is ma.
ture ?
He took this for a conundrum and
said he didn't know. Then he said
he was greatly interested in the his
tory Of great man. 'Alasr he ex-
claimed, we are but few
1 said knew one the man that
made my cooking stove was a great
man.
Then he asked, would read "
Says !, what you got 2
He replied, Watts Hymns Rev
cries by Moonlight, and How do
you spend the Sabbath
/ said, None of them for Hannah,
but if he had an unabridged Busi.
ness Directory of New York City I
would take little read
Then he said, Y oung man, look at
these gray hairs
told him / saw them, and when
a man got as old as he was he ought
to dye. Said I, You needn't think
these hairs are any sign of wisdom,
it's only a sign that your system
lacks iron; and l advise you to 60
home and swallow a crowbar.'
lie took this for irony, and what
little smteate eordiaI there was be.
tween US was spilled. It turned out
that he was chaplain OF a base ball
club.
When we got to Rochester 1 call
cd tor 8 bowl of bean soup. 1t ought
to be called lead soup. l send you
the receipt for making it +: Take q lot
of water, wash it well, and broil 1t
until it is brown on both sides; then
very carefully pour one bean into it
and let il simmer. When the bean
begins to get restless, sweeten ii
with salt, then put UP in alr-tight
cans, hitch each can to q brick, and
chuck them overheard, and the soup
is done.
The above receipt originated with
a man IN Iowa, who got up suppers
on odd occasions tor Odd Fellows
lie has receipt for oyster soup,
leaving out the salt.
Speaking Of Iowa, reminds me OF
the way l got the money to pay for
my ticket and pay for that fellows
supper. / bet him dollar that
could tell him how much water to
quart went under the railroad bridge
over the Mississippi at Dubuque II
a year. He bet, and l said two pints
to quart. ] won the bet, but aftel
all that supper was an awful swindle
II the city didn't settle faster thar
its coffee did, its old settlers clut
woald be a failure, and the city too