The Cambria freeman. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1867-1938, 1872-03-02
NJ NIBER 6.

"lilhO"s hntAS III iSI NGSpdlig
could impale herself ON variety of re-
versiDg teasiing fork, and die miueling
the inventors name with maledictions
and groans, while Smith, in the anguish
of bIs soul, could live in the barn, from
whence he could use an Ingenious kind of
breech loading gun-patent applied for
to bombard artists who come around tU
sketch the falls
In the meantime Lucullus might come
to the rescue with a suction pump, and
save the Smith mansion only TO find that
A melia had flown with the composer, and
has gone to sea in a ship with patent
copper bottom, and Kind of binnacle
I for which at ex,eusion has been granted
| by Congress on the 29;h of February =
/ 1t would then be judicious, perhaps, TO
have that copper bottoIned ship attacked
+ by pirates as the lovers sailed softly DER
the summer seas, aud after bloody hands
/ to hand contest. in which the composer
could sink the pirate craft with the model
gun powder pile driver, which he has in
the cabin, the enraged corsairs should
swarm upon the deck of the other ship
for the purpose of putting the whole party
to the sword. But of course at this pain
ful crisis it would be singularly judicioux,
| do not doubt, to cause it TO turn out that
the chief pirate is our old friend AlphOn>
so, W bo had sold out his interest in his
/ hay rake, discontinued his speculations in
/ hydraulic rams, and become rover on
the seas.
The composer it would seem would
then be in particularly tight place and
if the Commissioner of Patents had any
romance in his soul, he would permit ms
TO cause that pirate TO toss the musician
overheard. Amelia would then tear her
self from the pirates loathsome embrace
and plunge in after him. The two would
flUai ashore on hfe>raft, if any apphcA-
tiaI.s Of that kind happened TO be present.
ed TO the department; and if none were
made, / should drift them off on some
kind of a gum thing or other. Then,
when they got to land, Amelia would
shiveT with cold until her jaws ratified and
the painful truth would b. disclosed 10 her
lover that she wore teeth that were at
tached TO one of the gutta percha plates
about which there MAS controversy in the
courts.
Then, if we seemed to be approaching
the end Of the report | incline 10 think
that ] would cause the composer TO Shrek
False False ! or to use some exciting
| language like that, and so tear out his
, hair and wiring his nose and fly of with
2 "A broken heart and blasted life 10 Jpin
5 the pirate and to play melancholy airs III
5 "A minor kew, expressive of delusive
: dreams, forever and foreSer, upon some
: kind of double barreled flute with II
copyright on 1t.
t Amelia very likely might 60 disconso-
: late, let US presume, TO her home, where
; Lucnlius could be compelled 10 display
: an unconquerable affection which dis
p dained to bother about Amelia's ;eeth,
, And 40 he could clasp her 10 his breast.
a l should judge, and press her up against
: his patent buttons, If any wore presented
e at the office. willie old Smith might be
b jammed into the story cnce more for the
: purpose of getting a paternal blessing out
It Of him. l should then marry them hap-
: PLY, and on the dag of the wedding have
i them hear tha; that dissraceful buccaneer
, Alphonso had been blown into eternity
3 while attempting to fix a newly invented
p steam valve oR his donkey engine.
: Thus, you see, even the prosaic mate
E rial of which The Patent Office reports ars
= constructed could be made to yield enter
| tainmeut and instruction, and afford a
t basis of succulent and suggestive fact for
y superslructure of Daihetic and blood
r curdIipg fiction. The ad, antages of
adopting such method in constructing
I these documents would be especially
v marked in the case of Congressmen- The
g member who now sends Patent Office
{ Report 10 one of his constituents is re-
II garded by that man as a kind of moral
e ruin who ought to bc put in some place
II where it would be impossible for him TO
U destroy the happiness and poison the peace
o Of unoffendiDg families. But when l be-
f Gin TO fix up those reports, to throw over
s then-the glamour OF my faiey, to spread
e around them the halo of my imagination,
f to adorn them with my graceful rhetoric,
:, and to give a certain intense human m-
J terest, | may say, TO all the hay rakes
s and gum rings and suction pumps which
y fill the leaden pages, these reports will lie
d sought after; their tone will be changed +;
; entire orphan asylums will cry for them /;
II Sunday Schools will offer them rewards
!, and abolish tLe cards which inform wicked
5 and thoughtless children that Il A IN
Late" and the intelligent American voter
e whose mind Graves healthy literature will
@ elect the man who sends him the greatest
e number of copies.
| -=
Il Two NEWS BOYS, says the Commercial
d Bulletin, were standing befnre cigar
e store, when one asked the other, "Iiave
8 you got three cents p Yes f'Well,
) I've got two cents give me your thrse
| and I'll buy a FIVE center" ssAll right, :