The Tiffin tribune. (Tiffin, Ohio) 1868-1887, 1872-02-15
JOHN" ON AJURY,

A Patriotic Citizen Torn from His
FamilJ's Bosom and Thrust into q
Box with Eleven Obstinate Men-He
is Likewise Perplexed By the Law
yers-AnOtherN New Court House Job.
Another innocent man has been
torn from the bosom of his family and
Quartered-draWn into the jury and
quartered in the Court House in
Brooklyn. "Let justice be done
though the Heavens fall' is played
out, and what's the use of having a
bosom of family if one is liable to be
torn from it and thrust into a court
room for doing nothing? IF such do
ings are to continue we had better
bring out of the wet and cold the
girl that stands on top of our court
houses with a white rag around her
brow, and unwind her head aud set
her to weighing sausage meat.
came down the Erie road to spend
the holidays with my family, but
was impressed into this New Court
House Job, and on the % day of jan
uary began to halo "Here ~ at 10
o'clock in the morning. I can't call
it a gross piece of injustice, because
there were only seventy-two of us,
which makes it a half a gross piece of
injustice.
THE JURORS SOLEMN OATH.
On the first day the clerk of the
court called out our names, and we
yelled "here % then he tore the names
off and stuck them into a dish and
shook 'em up for the drawing. Then
we all got hold of q Bible, and the
clerk said, "Lub dub dub dub, nun
mum mum, so help you God. Now
kiss the book" Then We all kissed
the Bihle. I love the Bible, but not
that Bible. Anybody that will stew
the grease out of that Bible and save
the sOap-fat to start soap factory
with, can make fortune and live a
life Of Incidence. My lips have tasted
like a tallow candle ever since 1 kiss
ed it. Now these fellows when they
have all shouted "here" are called a
panel. They are called panels because
so many cross-grained fellows get into
'em. Our court did not have a bar,
and there wasn't any judge on the
bench. There wasn't any bench for
him to sit on. 1t was a nice arm
chair, and the witnesses were put on
the stand sitting down.
THE JURORS GETTING DOWN TO THEIR
WORK.
The first mess we settled was that
of fellow who last May had a hog
stolen. This made it a may-hOgany
case, and the fellow who stole it was
on trial to see whether he stole it or
some other fellow. He pleaded in
sanity without malice afOrethOught
or pretence. The Judge decided the
case unconstitutional on the grounds
that it was an outrage upon the body
polite to bring pork case before
JeW-ry. Versus got the case and
aforesaid and whereas had to pay the
costs.
The next case was. a flute case
Plaintiff bought a flute, and swore
that defendant seld him what he sup
posed to be flute; but it turned out
TO be dried eelskin with holes bored
into it, and it turned out that, Oh
To play "Write me a Let
ter from HOme," it burst all to thun-
der.
THE JURY LISTENING To THE LAW
YER's LOGIC.
Defendant sent up a general denial;
swore that a fellow that would burst
an eelskin flute was a blower that
eelskins made good flutes that in
putting out the parrots eye he rem
dered a service to the community;
and that man who would sit up
nights and blow q flute and own a
~ v-raf Nrra1 n aarrv-cr.A
such not entitled 10 recover a red.
We returned verdict of mayhem, ON
the grounds that the selling OF flute
that would burst was q public bless
ing, and therefore was entitled to a
verdict that might SIS well be mayhem
as anything else.
Astonishing TESTIMONY BEFORE A
JURY.
The next case was that of fellow
who inherited a saw mill to saw off
turkeys heads. 1t did it so quick
that the turkeys did not know it, and
would eat corn 4 half an hour after
they were dead, and thus kept fat. A
fellow made y mill that would not
only saw the neck but plane the feath-
ers off and fill the turkey with stuff
ing. The first fellow sued the last
fellow for infringement on his patent.
His lawyer was so green that if he
had lived when the first rainbow was
made, when Noah was sailing around
loose with his family, he would have
gone into the ark through the window
as the greenest thing that pigeon
could md The first witness gave
greeny all he wanted.
Lawyer-Were the wheels to this
mill cCncave or convex?
Witness-I didn't say it had a
wheel.