Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1872-05-23
ELI PERKINS.

MAY -,
ELI PEKKINs.
Ell on Rich Browns Bows.
From the N. Y. Commercial Advertiser,
FIFTH AVENUE HOTEL, May II.
| The rich Browns boys!
Not the poor Browns boys who liv<
on side streets, and buy 81 tickets, an6
swell in amber kids in rich yeune
ladies' $40 boxes Mt the opera-smari
fellows, who really can't do any better
but the good-for- nothing rich Browns
boys.
Who are they2
Why, the City is full of them. They
have rich fathers; they drive thei1
fathers horses their fathers are stock
holders in the Academy, and they occu.
py their seats. Their mission is to
spend their fathers money and live like
a barnacle on his reputation. They
don't know how to do anything useful,
and they don't have anything useful to
do. They come into the world to be
supported. They are social and finan.
cial parasites. A poor Browns boy
does the best he can, but these fellows
do the worst they can.
Rich girls i" 60 for" them on &C.
count of their rich fathers. They marry
them, have swell wedding, and spend
life time mourning that they did moi
marry brave, strong, working fellow,
who would have felt rich in their affec
tions, and who, with little help from
father-in'law, would have hewn his
way to wealth and position.
RULES FOR MAKING RICH BRowN's BOYS.
Below give the ten cardinal rules
which, if followed, will make a rich
Browns Boy out of any brainless son
of rich father. Any young New Jer-
sey Stockton, Kentucky Ward, or Mas
sachusetts Lawrence-yes, any Darn
phool Republican Prince Of Wales can
carry out these simple rules, and thus
attain to the glorious position of q
Browns Boy. If carried out they will
produce the same result nine times out
of ten. I have seen them tried thous-
and times:
RULES.
First.-H your father is rich or holds
high position socially, and you are q
good.for-nothing, disipated, darnphool
OF swell, without sense or character
to make a living, pay yoar addresses to
some rich cir, and marry her if you can.
Second. Go home and live with her
father, magnanimously spend her mon
ey. Keep up your firtations around
town just the same. Gamble a little.
and always dine at the Clubs.
Third-After your wife has nursed
YOU through spell of sickness, and
she looks laneuid and worn with anx.
iety, tell her, like a h;gh-toned gentle
man, that she has grown plain-lookine
then make love to her maid!
Fourth-H she objects, insult her
like a chivalrous Browns Boy-tell her
ysu won't be tyrannized over. Come
home drunk once or twice o week, and
break the mirrors and empty kerosene
lamps over her Saratoga trunk and into
the babys cradle. Twit her about your
high social position.
Fitth-This will make her ask for a |
You magnanimouslyg grant
it, and rs you, by wise American law,
have all her property, you generously |
hand her few hundred, and tell her |
to 60 back to her father.
Sixth--If she asks you-audaciously !
asks you-for any of her o,on money,
tell her to 60 to the D-Dev-Devil Il. !
e., the very thing she is doing!)
Seventh-f she becomes SO depraved
and shameless as to bring an action for
divorce against high toned gentleman
like you, spy on her tracks and get a
en- cent Toombs lawyer to blacken her
character.
Eighth-to do this, deny the pate==-
nifty of your own children, kill he:
morally; but, dog-in.the manger-ike,
don't let her have divorce nor get ore
yourself. If she does get a divorce,
she can't claim anything but her dowry,
which you, like high-toned Browns
boy, can magnanimously peddle out to
her from her own estate.
Ninth-Now keep q mistress and a
p; odle dog, and ride up the park with
Them in a gilded landaulet every after
noon. While this miserable misguided
woman will be trodden in the dust of
society, you can attain to the heights of
modern .chivalry by leading at Alexis
and charity balls in public, and breed
ing bull pups and coach dogs at home.
Tenth-1f the man whose mistress
you have stolen objects, shoot him
Through the legs) and you will be a
hero at the Club, and be given q front
seat by the other rich Browns Boys at
the Jerome races. After you have used
up your wife's money in dissipation,
and brought your fathers gray hairs
down in sorrow to the grave, get the
5letiriaae t'cneens and shoot yourself.
This will create a sensation, and cause
every other rich Browns Boy to cal
you high-toned and chivalrous, and
your poor, abused wife will go into
and build with her last mon
ey q handsome monument to your
many virtues IN Greenwood.