Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1872-08-16
SELECTED STORY
SMITH AND JONES.
AN AMUSING STORY.

One winter there arrived at Trenton, N
!, two men PANIED Smith and Jones. both
of whom had designs upon the Legislature.
Jones had bad wife: and was in love
with another pretty woman, who, by-the-by,
was widow with, sparkling black eyes
Smith had good wife, plump as robin,
god as an angel, and the mother of ten
children. Smith did not want to get d..
vorccd, but sought to get charter for a
turnpike from Pigs Run to Terrapin Hol-
low So with these different objects, they
came to Trenton, and addressed the assem-
bled wisdom there with the usual argu-
ments:
1st Oyster suppers with rich back
ground of steak and venison.
End. Liquors in abundance, from the
stunning ''Jersey Lightning to the bubbling
champagne.
To speak in plain prose, Jones gave a
champagne supper, and Smith followed with
champagne breakfast.
Under the modifying influence Of these
temp ting repasts, the wise law makers passed
both the divorce and turnpike bills and
Jones and Smith-with copy of each bill
in parchment in their pockets-went rejoic-
ing TO their homes
"My love-" said Smith, when he was
once comfortably enconcsd before his domes-
tic hearthstone and speaking to his wife,
who was ministering to the necessities of his
youn, 5st offspring; Il am one Of the Di-
rectors of the Pig Run and Terrapin Hollow
Turnpike, and will be President, my dear.
It will quite set US up in life We will
send cur children to boarding school, and
live in style off the tolls Here's the char
ter, ducky"
s'Let Inc see it, pet" said the wife, who
was the best Of wives, with plumpness and
good nature beaming all over her face. she
nestled on Smiths shoulder, and threw her
arms lovingly about his neck; as she helped
him to examine the parchment
Suddenly Smiths visage grew long His
wife's grew blank Smith was not gener-
ally profane, but now be ripped out fear
full oath.
"Blast it, wife!!'' be shouted furiously,
these scoundrels at Trenton have divorced
usp'
1t was too true. The parchment he held
was bill of divorce, in which the names of
Smith and his wife appeared in frightfully
big letters. Mrs Smith wiped her eyes
with the corner of her apron, as she ex-
claimed:
ooh, dear, here's turnpike Mr.. Smith J,
with the whole ten Of our children staring
me in the face, I amt your wife "
Hear the voice Of the dear woman became
CHECKED wi h sobs, and utterances were too
indistinct to be recorded AS for Smith,
be cursed away at such rate as would have
convinced any spectator of the propriety of
sending him missionary
Although the night was dark, and the
denizens of the village bad retired to their
beds, Smith bid his wife put on her bonnet,
and arm in arm they proceeded to the house
of the clergyman of their church.
"Goodne@s bless mep' exclaimed the
mild good man, as he saw them enter,
Smith looked like the last June shad, and
Smiths wife's face all streaked with tears,
"what's the matter r
sThe matter is, want you to marry US
right eff" replied Smith.
"Marry you!" exclaimed the astonisbed
cerSy lDAn, Will eApdHueu huSeio oAa Won'
dering eyes s'are you drunk Or crazy p
"Neither. The fact is Brother Goodwin,
some scoundrels at Trenton, have, unknown
to us, divorced me from my wife, and she
is the mother of all my children
Well, the minister seeing the condition
of things, married them over again, and
would not take any fee. The fact is, ne n:
was anxious to be alone, so that be eoulc
give vent to suppressed laughter that was
shaking him all over.
"Smith and his wife went home ano
kissed every one of their ten children. ano
the little Smiths never knew that their faith
err and mother had been made strangers tt
each other by legislative enactment
Meanwhile, and on the self-same night
Jones returned to his native town and sough
the fine pair of black eyes which he hoped
shortly to call his own. The pretty widow
sat on sofa, white handkerchief tied
carelessly about her round, white throat
and her black hair in silky waves against
her rosy cheek.
divorce is the word!'' cried Jones
playfully patting the double chin. "Ih'
fact is, Eliza, I am rid Of that woman, ant
YOU and I will be married tonight. l know
how to manage those fellows at Trenton. a
champagne supper Cor was it a breakfast !!
did our business with them. Put on you
bonnet and let US 60 to the preachers
once, dearest"
The widow (who was among widows
peaches are among apples put on her bon
net and took Jones arm, and
Just look how handsome it is put on tn
parchment" cried Jones, pulling the docu
ment out before her, "here's the law whlc
SAYS that Jacob Jones and Ann Carolln
Jones are two! Look at it!