The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1872-07-18
Cousin Sally billiard.
BY HAMILTON c. JONES.


cousin Sally billiard is story that must
not die, and as it has been some time since the
public have been called upon to laugh over its
exquisite ridiculousness, we will give it a start
again. :.
SoENE-A court of justice in South Carolina.
A beardless disciple of Themis rises and thus
addresses the court: "May it please your wor-
ship and you gentlemen of the jury, since it has
been my fortune (good or bad I will rot say,)
to exercise myself in legal disquisition, it has
never befallen me to be obliged to prosecute SO
direfully marked an assault. A more wlltul,
violent and dangerous battery, and finally
more diabolical breach of the peace, has seldom
happened in civilized country, and dare say.
it seldom has been our duty to pass upon one
so shocking to benevolent feelings, as this which
took place over at Capt Rice's in this county;
but YOU will hear from the witnesses"
The witnesses being sworn, two or three were
examined and deposed One said that he heard
the noise but did not see the fight another
that he saw the row, but did not know who
struck first, and another that he was very
drunk and couldn't say much about the skrim-
mage. !,
Lawyer Chops-I am very sorry, gentlemen,
to have occupied your time with the stupidity
of the witnesses examined 1t arises, gentle
men, altogether from Misrepresentation on my
part. Had known as 1 do, that l had wit
ness who was acquainted with all the circum-
stances of the case, and who was able to make
himself clearly understood to the court and
Jury, ] should not have trespassed SO long on
YOUR patience Come forward Mr.. Harris and
be sworn.
So forward comes the witness, fat, chufy
cid man, '1eetle" corned, and took his oath
with an air.
Chops-Harris, we wish you to tell about the
riot that happened the other day at Captain
Rice's, and as good deal of time has already
been wasted in circumlocution, we wish you
to be compendious, at the same time as explicit
as possible.
Harris-Adzakly, (giying the lawyer know
ing wink, at the same time clearing his throat
Captain Rice, he gin treat, and cousin sally
billiard she comes over to our house and axed
me if my wife she mount go? l told cousin
Sally billiard my wife was poorly, being as how
she had touch of rheumatics in the hip, and
the big swamp was up in the road there having
been a great deal of rain lately but howsoever,
as it was she, cousin Sally billiard, my wife she
mout 90. Well cousin Sally billiard then axed
me if Nose he moutn't go? / told cousin Sal
ly billiard that he was the foreman of the crap,
and the crap was smartly in the grass, but how
soever, rs it was she, cousin Sally billiard, Nose
he nout go. ,r
ChopsoIn the name of common sense, MIR.
Harris what do YOU mean by this rigmarole
Witness-Captain Rice, he gin "a treat and
cousin Sally billiard, she came over to my house
and axed me if my wife she moutn't go? and l
told cousin Sally Dillard-
.Chops|Stop, sir, if you please; we don't
want tc hear about your cousin Sally billiard
or your wife; tell us about the fight at Rice's.
Mitness-Well, I will sir, if you will let me.
Chops-Well, sir, go on.
Witness-Well, sir, Captain Rice, he gin
treat, and cousin Sally billiard she came over
to my house and axed me if my wife she
mountn't go.
Chops-Here it is again. Witness please to
stop.
Chops-We want to know about the light, and
You must not proceed in this impertinent story.
do you know anything about the matter before
the court?
Witness-To be sure do.
Chops-Well, go on then, and tell it, and
Witness-Well, Captain Rice, he gin a
Chops-This is intolerable May it please
the court, move that the prisoner be commit.
ted for contempt. He seems to be trltilng
with the court. :, =
Court-Witness, you are before the court Of
Justice, and unless you behave yourself In
more becoming manner you will be sent to the
Jail !; SO begin and tell me what you know
about the fight at Rice's.
Witness-Well, gentlemen, Captain Rice he
gin treat, and cousin Sally Dillard-
Court-(after deliberating,) Mr.. Attorney,
the court is of an opinion that we may save
time by letting the witness go on in his own
way. Proceed Mr.. Harris, with your story, but
stick to the point.
Witness-Yes, gentlemen. Well, Capt. Rice,
he gin treat, and cousin Sally billiard come
over to our house and axed me if my wife she
moutn't go? told cousin Sally billiard that
my wife She was poorly, being as how she had
the rheumatics in her hip, and the big swamp
was up; howsoever, as it was she, cousin Sally
billiard, my wife she mout 60. Well, cousin
Sally billiard then axed me if Nose he moutn't
20. 1 told cousin Sally billiard as how Nose
was the foreman of the crap, and the crap was
smartly in the grass, but howsoever, as it was
she, cousin Sally billiard, Nose mout 60. So
they goes on together, Nose, my wife and
cousin Sally billiard, and they comes to the big
swamp, and it was up as was telling you, but
being as how there was log across the big
swamp, cousin Sally billiard and Nose, like
gentsel folks, they walked the log, but my wife,
like darned fool, hoisted her coats and waded
through
Chops-Heaven and earth; this is too bad;
but 60 on.
Witness -WsN that's all I kaow about the
fgkt.
SOMETHING FOR THE GIRLs.-If a young
man greet Won i'm q lOud free and hasty tone :;