The Wheeling daily intelligencer. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1865-1903, 1872-06-13
acknowledgement
HABITS OF GREELEY
o,..,,.d in 1867 by Mark Twain

puts ! l1lo ay Ppnositiyeiy the very last
I Icv! I. SsS 70 perfect the chain no o
Iln INK IS already In It's possession con o.
Enow 'ns H. Greeley. l mean bis ptlvaV
S e.hi,. We know ell about him !, Is ", n
s atI. svery other department Of bis III !.
" 's, ME- Because, whenever q nag !,
saG Is'' oF a book.maEer Is employed u '
M I,iis and cannot think Of q subject ,h ~
S WIZ, about Horace Greeley, Eyen Tux ~
'nS ,'I in,tbs schools have quit building N
pIred composition about Inc G taT
nd have gone to doing Horace &C. H 1omS,
inStesd: and when defamation dsy VS S.,Sii
.roSHJ I tbelr voices arc no longer .s "
SOun ~. . 1u and Patrick Henry, but iol
o ys "I and Horace Greeley. NOW, YIN, tae
psse.l 1 result Of ali this Is that the public
S p,,T' come Al last to think that this mar
1 5S' no he but public lie, no nature but
n nnbi NJ nstllre, no habits but public habits
RSIs h ali wrong. lr. Greeley has
n NV liz. Dir. Greeley has private
Mr. Mr. Greeley gets upat3 o'clock in thu
morning: for Il Is one Of his fsyorite max
ms tbSt only early rising can keep IthI
besltb unimpaired and the brain Vigor
ana lie then wakes upSll the household
and assemblies them in the library by can
delight, and after quoting the beautiiu
lines:
Early TO bed and early To rise
Makes man healthy, wealthy, and wise,
he sppolnts each individuals task Tor the
Jsy, sets him at 1t with encouraging
Tcrds and goes back to bed again.
Al han past II o'clock Mr.. Greeley
,,es assin. He shayes himself. He con-
,den hat there Is great virtue and econo'
nv IN shaving himself. lie does 1t with
VAN razor, Someties humming part Of a
lu0e ihe knows part OF tune, and takes
N innocent delight In regarding III the
dnt psrt Of Old Hundred, but parties IA
mjlisr with that hymn have felt obliged TO
confess that they could not recognize It,
and therefore, the noise he makes Is
dopbtless an unconscious original compo.
sliOn Of Mr.. Greeley'sl, and sometimes,
when the razor Is especially dull, he &C.
COMPANIES himself with formula like
tbis - the razor, and the =
outcsSt who made it."-H. G.
lie then goes out into his model garden
snd applies his vast store Of agricultural
knowledge to the amelioration Of his cab.
L,ges; alter which he writes an able agri.
cultural article for the instruction oil
American farmers, his soul cheered the
while with the reflection that if cabbages
we're worth $ll apiece, his model farm
would pay.
lie next goes to breakfast, which Is q
frugal, sbslemious meal with him, and
consists Of nothing but such things as the
market affords, nothing more. Hedrinks
nothing but water-nOthing whatever but
water, and coffee, and tea, and Scotch ale,
4al lager beer, and lemonade with fly
iuit-sOmetimes house fly and some.
times horse fly, according 70 the amount
OIiHspiration required to warm him up to
bis daily duties. During breakfast he
reads the Tribune all through, and enjoys
The satisfaction Of knowing that all the
brilliant things in It, written by Young,
aud Cooke, and Hazard, and myself, are
attributed to him by a confding and igno'
rant public.
After breakfast he writes short edl.
IOrisl, and puts a large dash at the be-
ginning Of 1t, thus ~, which is the
same as Il he put II. G. after it, and takes
savage pleasure in rejecting that none
Ol Us understrappers can use the Clash
except in profane conversation wher
chatting over the outrage. He writes thi:
editorial in his own handwriting. HI
does it because he Is so vain Of his pen.
nanship. He always takes an inordinate
pride 10 peumanShip. He hired out once
10 bis young days as a writingmaster
but The enterprise failed. The pupils
could mol translate his marks with any
certainty. His first copy was, Virtue is
liz own reward" and they got 1t, wash.
ing with soap Is low and absurd and sc
The trustees discharged him for attempt.
lng to convey bad morals through the me
dunn Of worse penmauship. But, as
was saying, be writes his morning edito
rial. Then he tries to read 1t over, ant
can't doit, and SO sends 1t to the printers
and they Try to read 1t, and can't doit; an(
80 they set It up at random, as you may
Say, putting IN what words they can MAKE
out, and when they get aground on {
long word they put in protection" o.
universal suffrage" and spar off aut
paddle ahead, and next morning, II the
degraded public can tell what it is all
about they say Il. G. wrote it, and if they
cantay It is one Of those imbecile under.
iInppes, and that Is the end Of 1t.
IN Sundays Mr.. Greeley sits In &
prominent pew in Mr.. Ohapin'G church
and lets on that he Is asleep, and the con
gFegston regard II as an eccentricity OIL
seniul.
When be- Is going to appear in public
MI. Greeley spends two hours ION his
tSlet He Is the most painstaking ant
{! elaborate man about getting up his dresl
that lives In America, This is his chielesl
ana pieaSantest fOible. He puts on hil
SId white overcoat, end turns uE the col
M, hepuIS on soiled shirt, saved non
Ae wash, and leaves one end Of the collaI
qnOottoned, He puts on his most dilapi
uAled hat, turns 1t wrong side before
cams II on the back Of his head, and lam!
aa efus dent In the side Of it. He nut!
W ms most atrocIous boots, and spendl
va minutes tuCking the len leg Of hi
Iaas INTO his boot'top in what shall seen
W. SIe most careless and unstudied way. Blu
as cfaVat-it Is into the arrangement O
MS cfaVat that he throws all his soul, al
@e powers Of his great mind. After ok,
%E MlL lor forty minutes before the glass
MMspeIlect-lt Is sskew in every way-
MGVet1ows his cost collar on one nd
S SHu SINKS into oblivion on the other-i
su@os and 1t delves around about hi
y asSk.the knot Is consplcuously display
sgander the LEFT ear, and 1t stretches On
Uis long ends straight out horizontally
lOl the other goes alter his eye, in III
Ed old Toodles lashion-and then CON
GeIeIy and marvelously appareled, M
sieeIey strides forth, rolling like a sailo
anltacle OF astounding costumery, Ii
ave and wonder of the nations
bat | haven't time to tell there's Of h
prlvAe habits Suffice it that he is q
Spngnt and an honest mana practices
Eatgrained mana useful man TO b