Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1872-05-30
Humorous Readings.

Ass-assination-Donkey slaughter.
Wood-nymphs-Ladies' school board
ers.
The cry of celestial hypoerites-Cant
on!
A movement in real estate -Earil-
quakes.
Labor in Working ii a eosi
mine.
\ doctors motto-Patience and long
suffering.
Half-pay officers are gencrallyof retir-
ing dispositions
Douglas Jerrold said :! Eve ate the
apple that she might indulge il dress.
The hight of impUdence-Talzing ref
uge from the rain in an umbrella shop.
Fashionable intelligence; Golden hair
has gone out but it is now worn plated.
Why is the conductorof an orchestra
like the electric telegraph Because he
beats time.
If a man loses his breath be shouldn't
run for it-heH catch it quicker ty
standing still.
An opponent, speaking Of 1Iirabeau.
said-Men will do anything for money
even 10 a good action.
The three stages of Darwinism &c
now said to be, positive, tail; Compare
tive, tailor; superlative, tailless
Josh Billings says very truly-Toud
better not know 50 Juuch, than 70 know
so many things that aint 50.
Tite butes, says Josh Billings, air 8
luxury, inasmuch as they cause q man
to forget all his other miseriee.
Hullo, Jake, where did you buy those
fish ! didn't buy EN-. Wen, where
did you get 'em: I hooked EN-.
A tailor, who in skating fell through
the ice, declared thar ne would never
again leave a hot goose for cold duck
Can you tell me how old the devil
is ?" asked an iTreveraut fellow of Z
clergyman. My friend. you must keep
your own family record, was tbs re-
ply.
The poor woman who Complained
that her photograph was very homely,
was told TO come again with q handscms
face.
\ person speaking Of man not re-
markable for his suavity, said he did not
like his manner, didn't know that be
had any, said a lady.
Extraordinary mildness Of the season
The married man who stopped oct
late the other night found a flea IN Lis
ear when he got home.
Ny son, said a man Of doubtful NOR
ais. putting his hand On the head Of
young urchin. l believe Satan has got
hold Of yOn. believe 50, too, was the
reply.
In ancient days the precept was,
Know thyself; in modern times IT has
been supplanted by the far more fash
ionable maxim, Know thy neighbor and
everything about him.
"Iwantto buy asewing machine, Hsaida
lady. entering shop. DO You wish
a machine with a feller?' inquired the
shopman. Goodness. not" She ex-
claimed. Don't want any Of your fel-
lers about me-
u wonder where those clouds are go-
ing, sighed Flora, pensively, as she
pointed, with delicate finger. 70 The
heavy masses that foated in the sky. 81
think they are going t. thunder sai8
her brother.
Some smart little boys IN western
city took onion bulbs the other day. and
sold them for gladi0lus roots. The adj
dresses of these young gentlemen are a
matter Of anxious inquiry with their
4 Girl says That WHOM size dies she de-
sireS to have tobacco planted over her
grave that the weed uoarislied bv her
dust may be chewed by heT bereavea
lovers. There Is mach poetry ia the
idea.
a newly married woman of genfeei
appearance. went into a furniture shop
a few days ago. and inquired for q fam
ily fruit basket. She was shown q large
cradle, which was just what She want
ed
Mrs. Mifin. said a visitor, Emma Las
your features. but think she las cot
her fathers hair Oh, now I see. said
the dear little Emma; it's because ]
have papa's hair that De has 10 wear
wig.
The last subject discussed by tie vir-
ginia debating society was, Iii you had
to have a large boil, where would you
prefer TO have it. The unanimous de-
cision Of the members was, On some
other fellow.
4 gentleman lately entered q shop s.
y hich books and various miscellaneous
articles were for sale. and asked The
if he had G0ldsmith's Greece.
No, said he, but we have some splendid
hair oil.
Whatever God has made IS perfect.
said a western preacher What 10 Won
think of me- said a hunchback, rising
and exhibiting his own deformiiv. Why,
that you are as perfect a hunchback as
| ever saw!
John Bunyan was once asked cues-
tion about Heaven, which he could not
answer, because the matter was not re-
vealed in the Scriptures, and be there
upon advised the inquirer to live holy
life and go and see
Old Scotch lady: TAX a snuff sisg
Gentleman (with large nasal pr0nsofory.
Indignantly: Do / look ike "a suuffer?
Old lady: Well, caDDy jist say you
do, though ] maun say ye hae grand &c
commodation.
Walter. a tlve-year-old, W8s suTprise1
at breakfast by the presence Of 8 ahnin-
utive egg, served for his special ceIecfa-
ton. He thus accounted for the small
ness of the egg: Mamma, ! think the
chicken was learning to lay.
Said Detroit lady 70 a gentleman cf
that city: YOu are not a musician. ! be-
lieve. No said he. If ] were The pro-
prietor Of hand-organ, set expressly t0
play "Old Hundred l couldn't Gel
seyenty-fiye out Of it.
A witness under cr0ss-examinaiion.
who had been tortured by lawyer for
several hours, at last asked Tor a glasso1
water. There, said the judge, think
you had better let that witness 60 noNv
as you have pumped him dry.
A quarrelsome couple were diseussing
the subject of epitaphs and tonb-EfoEes,
and the husband said Ny dear, what
kind of stone do you suppose they viii
give me when | die birthstone, ny
love was the affectionate reply
A s,,a1.o l., ..,,.,.,. L.. !. l..;...s..na -