The Wheeling daily register. [volume] (Wheeling, W. Va.) 1864-1878, 1872-11-13
Funny Chapter ABOUT Babies.

"Of all the created critters" said Miss
Priscilla Prymm, emph atically, II de'0
despise baby! l used to recon a
snake the most hateful; but body
knows in genera! where to look for
snakes, and how to keep clear OF 'em /;
whereas there is no getting ont Of the
way Of a baby. Go where you will, in
town or country. on land or sea, you find
the pesti6erous little critters; and as
TOR street cars and steamboats,, body
thinks they were made for their especial
accommodation. II / we're a railroad
president. or steamboat COMPANY, I'd
have "habies," "a we as "ladies T."
cars. and the wonder to me is that it
hasn't been done before this; twould
pay sure.
1.-THE first thing a baby does is to
boiler. and it boilers till it's old enough
10 use its hands and feet as well "a its
voice, and the mischief it does do is be-
vond calkilation. Why, I've had my
ink bottle upset on my new carpet. and
INV beat chiny tea set, with the Waller
rosebud on IN, knocked off the table
leastways a plsre a"d two Guns; and nv
"Hook OF Besu'fn' Extr'c's' Chat was
given me bv Porr field Grnds before he
took to keepin' compa"v with tne bod
miox Arb nsv Wilson, torn 10 atoms
Almost. And all by nahy; or, least
wise, by variety Of 'rm. Tor they're
| alike "a basket OF pe's. Ard what
most aesriva,in' Of all is the 10 'i-h
mothers excusin' the "lit'e dsr'in"s "n
score OF "cu'tin' their teeth" or being
80 remarkably precious" Or something
-lse equally interesting I've a'~avs
noticed tn 1t whatever badness a bahv
ia guilty OF, it's alwavs set down by 1T
mother to either its teeth or its smart
ness 49,,
81 wonder what the Worrying little
vernins are made tor. and why nature
con,dn't have sent folks into he world
ready to grow up, or at least old enough
to be OF some u.e Now, what earth '
uss ia a baby. should like to know
A little shapeless lump OF flesh and
blood, with it's bald head lolloping on
one side, and it's two google ewes staring
straight at nothing and its f1.tby fis''
catching at e~eryth ng IN lts way, cry
ing at everything sens,hle. and grin
| ming at everything foolish AID wha
nonsense thew d. talk to their babes
Why, twas only just now heard Mrs
Simmons, next door, chattering on thu
back step to that bsId-he.ded monkey
of hers, 'Mudder's only darlln' lit!
piggiwiggy? Is he hoongry2 Den he
sell hab a tacker for mudders itry pre-
cious plnnpie, ample dumpGn, sugar
tandv babyl' Bah! its enough 10
make q body rick, and / Tor one, don't
wonder that children are 50 long in
learning to talk plain, with such ont
landsh gbberish ding-donged into
their ears day and night To nv mind
its more bsrbarous than French Injury
"And the ridiculous wsv in which
some folks dew dress their babies Al
smotb cred in sa;in. and feathers, and
laces, and turs, tor all the world like q
| millione1's fggur head. I declare to
goodness that / sometimes feel q sort o.
opity for EN- just az when see an or
oan grinders monkey sewed up and g
wooden-swored by his side, showing of
to a grinning crowd in the streets; and
which of the two is most laffable I'm
sure it's hard to tell.
"Innocents, indeed, jest as they don
know the badness the about, and don't
mean to do it! Why. I've seen them
kick, and scratch, and bite, and scratch,
and pull peoples hair like young grlz'
xilites, and to this dav you cant con.
vince me that Mics Jones baby didn'!
mean it when the little wretch grabbed
hold OF nv new curls, a. I was pre-
te1din' to kiss it, atore Deacon Peabody
(the week after poor, dear Mira. Pea.
BODY departed this life, it was, and
pulled the hull on EN- right OF afort
his -tace, comb and all III it hsdn'
beeu for that I might hev-but, ahem
ali that I can now say is that I'm no
likely to be pestered out OF my lite with
one Of the ugly, dirty, good-for-nothing
little varmiuts. Ofall the troubles ard
trials of this. no-ts' state and valley o.
tears. deliver me from baby!
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