The new Northwest. [volume] (Portland, Or.) 1871-1887, 1872-06-07

q IUIII IIlE Wv iVIf IAlI'IItl.
The Highly 0OlOred Human Ticket for tn,
Prssidency-The Fres-Lcve COmmunis
Candidates in the Field.


The Highly 0olored Human Ticket for the
Presidency-The Fres-Love Communist
Candidates in the Field.
That peculiar providence which con-
trolls the comic destinies Of mankind has
been singularly benefcent of late. To a
country weary of war and its horrors,
and barely recovering from an acute at
tack of pathos of the '.just-before-the
battle-motheru order, this providence
has struck the hard rock of politics with
its testers wand, and To- fountain OF
/ fun gushes forth which will tickle the
nations joival palate until somebody or
other is laughed into the Presidential
chair. Columbus nominated an old Ill
inois judge who would have afforded
no sport, save to those who made him
acquainted with the "bleedingr process.
Cincinnati came next in order, and it
4 seemed as if old Dryasdust Davis would
absorb all the jOcoseness, as the parched
earth does n shower in July. At the
last moment, however, old Dryasdust
being out of sight and . venerated but
musty piece of parchment, named
Adams, apparently in the ascendant,
the benign god of the cap and belle look
possession of the delegates, and great
-
cOmmon-sensist, prOtectionist, free
lover, centraliZer, States-righter, loyal
ist and rebel friend was nominated, with
. history and personality ready made
for the brains Of the wits, the efforts Of
the witlings and the pencil Of the Wild
est caricaturist that ever evoked spOrtiye-
ness i'm a charivari. Filled with joeular
presentiment, we chuckled over the
prospect, but had no idea at the time
what the bufIoOn divinity had in store
for Us.
Woman's rights has had its cOnven-
tion here in the gOOdly city of ours, and
has turned out its Presidential candi-
dates. The six hundred cotton umbrel-
las which have ratified on the floor OF
Apollo Hall for the past two days assure
us that this woman movement is n Sc
rious thing, and, while we do not wish
TO belittle anything so intimately
woven with the future of the human
race, we wish TO enjoy its incidents to
the full extent. 1t has also presented
us with a platform which, they must
pardon us, we neither mean to reprint
or discuss, because, although absurd,
UtOpian and red republican to q degree,
il is neither new nor funny. But to the
candidates we can return with that rel
ish for amusement which is inexhausti-
BILE. The first place on the ticket is de-
voted (piGce dlr ddmeSi) TO the fair sex,
and, to make the contrast more forcible,
the second fiddle is handed, TO draw il
mildly, Ia. a male brunette. Considera-
BILE doubt was expressed in the Conven-
tion as to whether the venerable and
colored Fred Douglass could stand on
the platform beside the young and
painted creature in petticoats; but the
cotton umbrellas, male and female,
wanted him, and it was accordingly de-
Cided ROienS UOiCnS, to have him. IL
may be objected that Victoria Woodruff
had long ago nominated herself for the
Presidency, and her endorsement for the
candidature might be considered as a
'put-up job;' but with regard TO the
Vice President, eXpectant or desired, the
. case is different. There can be little doubt
that the position has been thrust upon
him, and it remains to be seen how the
representative black man will act under
the circumstances. He has lately made
several very strong Grant speeches, and
in face of this fact il would be n policy
questionable i'm point of honor TO intro
duce split into the party by taking the
stump, as he undoubtedly would be
forced TO do, against the regular repub.
lican candidate, thereby dividing the
cOlOred vote. 1t would not, therefore, as
, tOnish us that Mr.. Douglass should de.
! ! cline to run with Mrs. Woodruff, and
resolve quietly to abide by the straight
, republican nomination at Philadelphia
Turning, then, from the serious view
of the case to its comic point, namely
5 the rivalry for the popular suffrage be,
, tween Mrs. Woodruff and Horace Gree
l ley, we are sure that the canvass will
{ develop many funny comparisons be-
= tween the free-love theory and practic,
u of one and the other. The shriekins
:. sisterhood are not at all unanimous oI
: the matter for there is "A division il
!. their ranks which the late nomination
d will doubtless tend to widen. The Wood
y hullites may be described as the vota
: ries of Venus victriX, while the othe
7. wing will find its patrons in the chast
!. Susannah who disappointed the elders
Il and the hirmit-cenobite, st. Anthony
y who was impervious to all fleshy temp
= tatiOn. In view of this breach between
y the woman suffragists, and the fact tina
; both the Anthonyites and Woodhullite
,. regard the Sage of Chappaqua with n
e friendly feelings, some sharp skirmish
u ing is in prospect; for, as Susie said o
: Friday at Steinway Hall, Horace Gree
u ley has for many years past thrown col
. water and ridicule upon the movement.
y But the great philosopher has succeede
so well in winning the most diverse in
II terests in his support that there is still
/ possibility he will i'm future swallo,
: all the cold water he has been in the un
y gallant habit of throwing upon the Ia
'. dies. The "later Franklin" may, lik
/ the older Horace, who believed in gen
II erous Falernian wine, flatter both a
= the same time, as when that crafty an
/ cient sung
= o matre pulchrc. o niia pulch-iori
1t is also possible, notwithstanding
their present hostile front to Mr.. Gree
{, ley, that each of the syrens will try L
. WOO him to his destruction. His posi-
$ ton between them will then be fearful
IS to contemplate. We can picture Horace
-e the great apostle of free love, rs Captain
l. Macheath in the "Beggars' Opera,n sit
RI ting on the edge of the liberal platform
= his old hat cooked on one side, and Su
l. san and Victoria on either side Of him
ID each with lapel Of his white coat, a
s. he chants in rollicking fashion,
ie How happy could be with either,
Of Were rother dear charmer away,
n They may even coax him to give n
q his repulsive ideas on protection, for h
le VIII soon be convinced they are able {
10 take care of themselves, and Nictori
e can instill seductively into his ears tn
j. logical connection between free love am
rs free trade. These are Just q few of tn
2, odd features which will deride wrinkle
II Care during the coming campaign. |
l. is TO be feared that Woodruff, following
II will be left to meet the brunt of the al
II rows Of the opposition. The Anthon,
r wing has, however, left itself loOphol
d for escape, as may be gathered from tn