The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-07-02
H U MoRoUs ITEMS

eB- Undergoing repairs--the lady whose
peace of mind was broken.
rB- Says John to Boosey you are such a
big devil that whenever you come near,
satan gets into me. That's so replies Boosey
for the scriptures tell us that the devil came
out Of the man and went into the hog.
GB- The new style of collar for gentle
men is simply terrific They are an econom-
ical article, however, as with moderately
long pantaloons they do away with all ne
cessity for shirt.
eB- A clergyman, having made several
attempts to reform prohigate, was at
length repulsed with, at is all in vain,
doctor; you cannot get me to change my
religion" "I do not wish that" replied
the good man, "I wish religion to change
you"
Gg- An Indian complained to rumseller
that the price of his liquor was too high.
The latter, in justification said shat it
cost as much to keep hogshead of liquor
as to keep a cow" "Maybe he drink as
much water" replied the Indian, but he no
eat SO much hay"
EB- Why, Emily, how do you doP"
81 am very well, Julia. / celebrated my
wooden wedding last week." "Why,
didn't know you were married. How did
you celebrate it?" "By marrying block
head"
sB- Two weasels found an egg. "Let
us not fight for it" said the elder weasel,
"but enter into partnership" every
good said weasel the younger. So taking
the egg between them, each sucks an end.
"My.children, said Redtapes, the attorney,
Though you have but one client between
you, make the most of him.
e5y- An Irishman at Philadelphia was
watching the conscription wheel, when
suddenly, losing all control of himself, he
burst out, "Whirl it round rouse it, will
YEP" "What's the matter with you?"
said the Provost Marshall "Oh, be .iabbersl
turn it round dozen times, for the man
you drawed last is my next door neighbor."
GB" A learned clergyman, was accosted
in the following manner by an illiterate
preacher who despised education: "Sir,
you have been to college, supposeP'
eyes sir" was the reply 81 am thank
full" Iejoined the former, "that the Lord
opened my mouth without any learning"
ga similar event." retorted the Clergyman,
"took place in Balaam's time; but such
things are of rare occurrence.at the present
day.
gB- A negro Witness on horse trial in
New Jersey court, was asked to explain the
difference between box stall and COM
mon STALL Strengthening himself up, he
pointed to the square enclosure in which
the Judge was seated, and said: !" Dat ar's
what calls box stall dere whar dat old
hoss is a sitting p 1t took a good many
raps of the judges gavel to restore order in
that court.
EY- In a Cincinnati church on recent
Sunday gentleman who had placed his hat
in the aisle beside his seat was greatly sur
prised to see it a moment later following
lady down the aisle. He Immediately got
down on all fours and went for his hat, but
every time he put his hand out toget it the
lady took q step forward and it was just
kept out of his reach until he had gone the
full length of the aisle. By this time the
audience were in litter, and he took his
stove-pipe and went out in hurry.
eSy" II. G. sometimes INDUCES in little
humor, as for instance
Being importuned by couple of uncom-
monty ragged, dirty beggars for aims, he
asked a gentleman with him.
Why are these fellows like lillies?"
81 give it up was the reply. 81 should
call them nettles."
"They are like lillies," replied II. G.
Gin that they toll not, neither do they spin;
yet Solomon in all his glory was not array
ed like them"
GB- Benjamin Greenleaf the mathemati-
clan, whose mathematics have puzzled so
many young brains was an eccentric man,
who loved pleasant joke. Going one day
with basket ON his head into a room
where there were several boys, he asked
one boy after another. Are you fond of
fractions?" Each lad, fearing a problem
would follow, said, heartily and promptly,
No sir" But one courageous fellow said,
Yes SIR" To him was given the basket
with its contents-a number of nice apples,