The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-04-12
Humorous.


: in " safe " robberies.
a Connecticut farmer has named a
prize rooster Robinson, because Robin
\ son CrelO soc.
, Not finding any money in the house,
/ disgusted Kentucky burglar made the
r family get up and cook him a supper.
: An Atlanta man wants the thief who
stole his well-bucket and rope to come
{ back and get the well, as it is of no pres.
/, ent use to him.
J A Western school teacher who don't
approve of flogging, recently pulled off
the ear of one of his pupils as a mild
mode of correction.
A divine, once praying, said, 90
Lord, give unto us neither poverty nor
riches," and pausing moment solemn
ly, he added, respectfully porerty."
When boy has the fever and ague
in Danbury, Conn, they make him
useful by setting him to shaking car
pets.
Mr.. II. Winkle having married Miss
Starr ia Georgia recently, the Savannah
NeVS epithalamizes the pair with "T.
Wrinkle, L. Wrinkle, little Starr"
a very old aud much soiled resident
|
News pleasantly announces Another
landmark gone"
a grocer recently had pound of su.
gar returned, with a note stating that it
contained too much sand for table use,
and not enough for building purposes.
Says the Mercer Dispatch, GA ro-
mantle couple, not far from here, named
their infant daughter Caressa. That
| hn
boys are at it now."
A western paper describes letter of
| Horace Greeley's as looking "as if
| somebody had smashed a bottle of ink
over it, and tried to wipe it Off with
currycOmb."
Say, Jones' what's the matter with
your eye?" "Oh! nothin'; only my
wife said this morning I'd better get
up and light the fire, told her to make
it herself That's all"
A Richmond man gently corrects the
DtSpdtch Of that city, by stating that
| the report of his death by drowning,
which it published, is extremely in
accurate"
The "meanest man" in Central Illf-
nois is farmer living near Decatur.
He discharges his laborer5 Saturday
night, and charges them for board over
Sunday.
The Boston Post describes the differ
ence between town bell and South
ern carpet-bag governor to be: "One
peals from the steeple and the other
| don't. The inference is obvious.
Speaking of theoretical farming, Josh
Billings says he once knew man who
wouldn't even set gate post without
hn yitn,r hnr
possesses the proper ingredients for post
holes.
Senator Wilson wrote to Horace Gree
ley, lnqulring the most approved meth
Cd of cultivating beets. The philoso-
piers answer was short, but to the
point: Persist in your efforts to have
Grant renominated."
A farmer recently advertised for q
runaway wife, and called particular at
tention to the meanuess of her desertion
just as the spring work was coming on,
after he had the expense of Wintering
her.
A paper gives the following direc-
tions for using its new patent hen pills:
From one TO ten boxes of pills is a
dose for young fowls. The best way to
give the remedy is to tickle the chick
en- under the wings until it laughs,
when the medicine can be shot down
its throat with musket or horse pistol
A clergyman meeting Barnum. the
Snowman, the other day, after inauir.
ing for his health physical and spiritual,
said: Barnum, l always liked you.
You are good fellow, and / trust we
shall meet in heaven" "Oh ~ said
the Snowman, with twinkle in his eve,
/ have no doubt we shall-if you are
| there"
There was thOroughness about prac-
tical joking in the middle ages. When
Pope Adrian died in 1923, the Roman
people, who hated and despised him,
determined to testify their pleasure.
They therefore adorned the door of his
physicians house with garlands, adding
TINS inscription ITO the deliverer of
his country" Hard on the medical
fraternity this.
a Chicago contemporary thus de-
scribes the deliberate manner in which
that city is being rebuilt "Let me
see" said Chicago boss mason reflect
iFely, to burned.out merchant "haye
got to put up block for Brown this
morning. and dwelling. house this af.
ternoon for Smith. Yes, 1 guess we can
jerk up your store this noon by takin'
only half an hours nOonin."
There is a man in Hull who needs
looking after. He eborrowed an umbrella
the other day and actually returned it
ON the next. He excused himself the
best he could under the circumstances,
stating that the article was old, faded,
played out and leaky, and that he was
ashamed to be seen wearing it, but that
hardly justities him in breaking over
the customs of society.
Mr.. G. II. Lewes tells story of a
| gentleman who, under the scissors, said
something about his thinning locks be.
ing caused by the development of his
brains. Excuse me, SIR" remarked
the barber, but you are laboring un-
der mistake. The brains permeate
| the skull, and encourage the growth of
the halr-"afS Chdt they're for, sir?"
Two Irishmen, on a sultry night. i'm
mediately after their arrival in India,
took refuge under the bed clothes from
a sklrmishing party Of mosquitoes. AT
last one OF them, gasping from heat,
ventured to peep beyond the bulwarks,
ana by chance espied FREELY, which
had strayed into the room. Arousing
his companion with punch, he said:
Fergus, Fergus, it's no use. Ye might
as well come out. Here's one of the
crayters sarching for US wild lantern" >"
Here she is again. Mrs. Gloverson,
of East Cleveland, over ninety wears
old, walked three miles one of the cold
est days of this month, borrowed cast
iron kettle weighing one hundred and
| twenty-three pounds and seven ounces,
backed it home and made half barrel
of soft soap before supper time, and
would have taken the kettle home again
that night, If she had not been com.
PEELED to knit pair of stockings for
her son, who was going away the next
morning. She has taken snuff and
smoked the usual number of years.
While Captain Webster was stationed
at Portland in the revenue steamer Ma
honing he was ordered to cruise on the
coast of Maine during severe cold