Buchanan County bulletin. [volume] (Independence, Iowa) 1869-1891, 1872-09-13

at last, although it was long time
about it, and over I went, dressed
into fits and feeling as big as Josh
Raynor did when he was elected
Coroner. I got there about dark
and found right smart crowd col,
lected, which was not on the bills,
but / felt as big and as good as the
rest of 'em. So marched in like a
blind mule into a potato patch, and
took seat by the fire. l didn't see
anything of the widow, but KEEP,
looking for her to come in and send
for me, and passed away the time
cussin' the crowd to myself, think
ing they had no business there, and
I would not get to talk to my wo-
man bit. Presently the door
opened and in walked Polly and the
dod -darned doctor and a whole
team of boys and girls fixed up
savagely, I tell you. I looked
around for "a fiddler, thinking they
wero about to have a ball, but I
wondered what they had kept so
still for, and was about proposin' a
reel, when up gifts little preacher,
and before you could swallow live
oyster he had Polly and the doctor
married faster than a Mexican
grcaser could tie bulls horns. I
was SO completely fummuxed that I
set there with my mouth open like
l was going to swallow the whole
crowd, and eyes looked like billiard
balls till the ceremony was over,
when 1 jumped up. and beloved
II forbid the concern from being
constituted!' esa*eI ia4.
"You are little too late, my
FRIEND" says the preacher, and they
all commenced laughing like they
had seen something funny. .t
'I'll be darned swizzled if1 don't
be soon enough for somebody yet"
said I, "for l was mad, Squire, and
no mistake in the ticket. I do be-
lcive could have eat up that doc
tor quicker than a hungry dog
could swallow squirrel skin, if l
could have had fair chance at
him. 1t was too bad, after had
fixed up to marry her myself, for
her to walk right out under my eyes
and marry that great baboon."
s'It was bad, that is fact,'' / said.
"Bad!" cried he. "It was meaner
than eating fried coon. l first
thought I'd GO straight home, but
then l concluded that wouldn't
spite nobody, SO concluded to stay
and see if l couldn't get satisfaction
out of somebody. You know I'm
the devil to get myself or somebody
else into scrape when l take no.
ton, and I'd taken one that night
that went all over me like third
day chill, SO L commenced a study'n
out some plan. l recollected hear
ing the doctor say that where he
come from, but the Lord only knows
where that was, the bride and groom
always washed their faces together
before they went to bed as charm
against intidelity or imbecility, or
some other long word. While l was
studyin' about that, spied the doc
tors saddle-bags setting in the cor
ner, so waited till they went into
supper, and then | got the bags and
looked to see what l could discover.
Nearly the first thing I saw was a
stick of lunar caustic. I slipped it
into my pocket, for I had my plan
as soon as / saw it. Well, /
watched around till l saw one Of the
girls 60 to the pail with a pitcher,
so l went out and asked her what
she was going to do with it. She
said she was going to carry it to
the room for the Doctor and Polly
to wash their faces in. l kept talk
ing to her while she was filling the
pitcher, and when she turned her
head dropped the caustic into it.
1t was then about bedtime, and l
got my hat and put out, but I could
not help laughing all the way home,
whenever I'd think about it next
morning."
"Wcll, Squire, they do say that
when that couple walked up the next
morning they both had the hardest
kinds Of fits, each one thinking they
had been sleeping with a nigger.
Oh, it was rich! He a cussin' and
tearin' up things, and she scream
ing and faintin' and comm too, and
goin' off again, and me not there to
see it. They made such a rascally
racket that the folks broke into the
room to see what was the matter,
and there they was with their faces
and hands as black as the inside of
a stovepipe. I'd give half my inte-
rest in t'other world just to have
been at some safe place where 1
could have seen the row. AS soon
as they found that they were the
same folks that were married the
night before, they called for warm
water and soap, but just here the
doctor happened to think about the
pitcher and took it to the door to
see what was the matter. There
was little piece ofcaustic that had
not dissolved, and as he saw it he
says; ao+sey- ~ .ef. :.
''It's no use washing, Polly. All
the soap in New York city can't
wash that black off," ~. ,af
"That was the truth, Squire.
Soap and water had no more effect
than it would on native born Afri-
can, and all the chance was to wait
and let it wear of. How long it
took them to get white again I Inever
found out, but one thing do know" /"
he concluded, getting up to 60 out,
"thc next time / saw the doctor l
had the hardest fight, and come the
highest getting whaled that I ever
did in all my born days."
A we'll authenticated case of spon-
taneous combustion lately occur
red in a New York warehouse,
originating in some silk twist,
which had been packed while damp
in tight case, with two layers
of thick paper and one of oil-cloth