Rock Island Argus. (Rock Island, Ill.) 1871-1872, 1872-10-31
IDoilp ARGUS.
The lie Nard Letters.


Picture Of Discomfort, Relieved only by the
Epizootic---Some Sharp hits at Public Folly
Directions for Silly Girls who want to be
made Miserable by Marrying Noodle
What LIE Nard thinks Of the Russian Bath
WASHINGTON. Oct. 2s, 1879.
Mud, mud everywhere, bursted water
pipes, CO yed-in sewers, and discomfort gen
orally, is what the incessant rain during
last week brought us. One blessing is left,
however, the prevalent horse disease, which
is raging in the Northern cities, has not vet
reached US, and We still reiolcsin street cars
and other comforts Of that iIk For diver.
sion some Of our clerical friends have got
up third rate strike; they have set their
sanctified faces against Sunday funerals, in
order to give those VIGOROUSLY innocent
lam bs, our baekmen,a better chance to Law
il the needed supply of piety; and to sap
press the tendency of "Musie heavenly
Maid" to classical tunes like Champagne
Charlie" or 'Shoo Fly" TO which the Dead
March" is usually converted when home
ward bound. Now as these gentlemen know
all about the tunes encouraged Tin the land
of the hereafter" they are or ought to be
the authority 10 deciding which are warrsu-
ted TO be on the celestial programme and
which are given over 10 his Ma ssty, the
Lucifer, | mean, it sounds better. Well, /
for my part cAu not deny their infallibility
on the subject, having never been there ;
bat l do know that once upon time / saw
plous German couple scAndslized beyond
measure, by hearing hymns sung 10 tunes of
the widest, most rolickIHg students songs
of the Fatherland and if these tunes be-
long to she-Lucifer, you known Europe,
by what method were they brought to a
state of grace in this blessed land of liberty
of conscience; that's the rub But that's
leaving the subject; all that Is now left tc
do, is the small matter of making arrage-
ments with that despot, Death, to issue his
warrants no later in the week than Wednes-
day, lon Saturday they might want to do
their ministerial marketing that done, our
wise shepherds can repose upon their lsu-
rels in peace, without being obliged to ride
after some dear departed, who had not the
grace to die early in the week.
Last week, ia one of our low localities,
there died a woman from the effects of
blows, want, and hard drinking, who at one
time belonged to the best society," Friends
found her we'll educated, and with remains
of great beauty. but utterly incompetent to
regain the lost path of rsetiGude. She told
them that she was the disownsd daughter Of
| New 7 ork merchant, and that her marriage
| with her fathers goodman had led to the
rupture between her and her friends. Her
name was Annie Dean, and she WAS eensr.
ally supposed to be the Miss Boxer. who
| years ago, gave the reporters SO much to do
writing up heril-starred marriage. I hard
y think any of our bellies will run off will
co1chmen after this they'll simply take
/ BARRIERS travelling as counts or princes
which will snswer their purpose of being
utterly miserable as well.
Should any gentleman read this, be il
kindly but hrmly requested to skip the re
maindsr of this letter, and hand il over tt
some member of the Petticost Society. Yog
see, dear ladies, | want 10 tell yen nv ex
perience of the Turco-Russia bath, and i
would never do to let the other party heal
me. Last Tuesday night my friend Mel
came to me with g lie Nsrd, let's 80 to DR.
Sheds for bath" Being weAkminded,
went. Hardly had she introduce ne /,
the medical ruler of the ssta blishmsnt, wher
the spirit Of the bath (bsck as ebouvl ap
peared, and marched as off to little box-lik,
apartments for the purpose of getting read,
for the torture. Nell" / called, ''zhere ar,
our bathing suits" You gooSe,' it cam,
back, ''ase the sheet and rebearse how you'll
| look as a defunct." Nov, considering tina
abe was TO hsne for my being in that box a
all, that was mes D, TO ssy the least. Well
We 'sheeted ard to the bath a la ghost
Nell who wears her hair poodle fashion
| down over her forehead looked like &
| peeled onion, and acted upon me like on,
too; at least / cried, when laughter CAV.
out. The Spirit meant business, howeve
and shelved as in a twinkling; then | looked
around and saw three tiers of marble shevei
with here and there small elevations fer thu
head; pipes for the transmission Of steam
apparatus for the Shower, Spray and DOUGH,
bath; and IN the middle, deep bed of colt
water for the Plunge. Large sponges ful
Of cold wafer were placed under our heads
and others, to be used 10 breathe tarouRl
when the vapor grew teo stifflng, were place,
near ne and then the steam was raised /.
! 1875 deg and we lay there for an hour, til
every pore wept for mercy. Then the VIC
man took US down, and was charging upol
as with kind of horse-brush but | vowet
would net be skinned alive, and she com
promised OBJ q big sponge. Then came sue
scrubbing with that and warm water an
soap; it made one feel guilty of having be
longed TO the ''unwAshed" all the DAYS Q
ones life; then the shower, the douche an
plunge IN succession then the feet put lot
q tub Of hot water; then the spray, aud fiua
iy 9 pallet in another room, and first elias
rubbing with crash towels. A cup Of hC
coffee finished the grand tour; and not to
soon either, for ! never in my life fet NOR
tired aud weak than when that remorseler
Nspor-queen was finishing me. / have n
doubt but this sort Of thing is nice for Turk
and Russians; perhaps | might like il if
were one; but let me advise you to keep OF
Of it. If you remembe how quo felt whe
you heard Fra Diavola the first time, an
saw Terlius get ready for her musical nap
how you looked fursively around, to s.
whether hers didn't fsei bad; and wishe
Yourself well ont Of it-then You'll kno
how you feel going into such bath, onl
the distress is immensely greater, and one
in, You are g in for it.