The Cambria freeman. [volume] (Ebensburg, Pa.) 1867-1938, 1872-03-02
A NEW IDEA.
Tt.e Patent omceReport Of the Fnturc.
BY MAX ADELER.

BY MAX ADELER.
We take the following from the Wash
ihgton Capital: My idea is this: The
Government is compelled 10 pay, every
year, enormous sums of money for the
publication of quantities of Patent Office
reports. which are mere curse TO the
country after they are distributed. Nos
body ever did read one clear through
Any man who would rise up and say that
he had perused one of these volumes,
from beginning TO end, would be regarded
by the community as person who ought
not TO be az large. Now ! propose 10
take out a contract for writing up those
reports, and TO perform the work in an
original manner !; in manner. | may say.
which will make them, perhaps, the most
painfully Interesting volumes published
under the authority of the United States
Government. My plan is TO take the
material that comes 10 hand every year
and work it up into a continuous story,
which could be filled in with tragedy, and
sentiment, and humor.
For instance, if a man come prowling
around the Patent Office with an improve
ment in hay rakes, l should name that
man Alphonso, and start him off in the
story as an abandoned villain. Alphuuso
lying in wait, as it were, behind dark
corner, for the purpose Of stabbing his
rival to the heart with that improved
hay rake. And then The hero could be "A
man, suppose we say, who desired an ex>
! tension of a patent on accordeons.
lel,n I j
! plant him, with working model of that
ACCORDION, under the window ~f The board~
! ing house where the heroine Amelia, who
would be woman who had applied for
! a patent OF new kind of red flannel
frills. lay sleeping under the soothing in
fuences of the tunes squeezed from the
ACCORDION of Lucullus.
In the midst of the serenade, let us
! suppose, in GENES man who has just
I got out some extraordinary kind of tooth
brush about which he wants to interview
the head of the department. l should
make this being Amelia's heavy father
and call him Smith, because that name is
full of poetry and sweetness and wild
unearthiy music, ard sounds well in 9
novel. How would it DO then, while Lu
cullus was mashing Ou! his most deIiccu:
sound, to make Alphonso rush on Smit b
with his hay rake, thinking he was Lu
cullus and in the fight which woulc
perhaps ensue TO blow out Alphonsu',
brains somehow on the spot by a sinel,
discharge, we might assume, Of Smith,
extraordinary tooth brush, while Lucullu!
could be arrested upon the suit of th,
composer who has d copyright on the tune
with which he solaced Amelia
If any Ingenious undertaken should haun
The Patent Office at this crisis of the stor,
with a species of new-fangled metallic
coffin, might lay Alphonso away com,
fortably in one of them and have a funer
al, or | might add a thrill of interest (,
the narrative by resuscitating him with
bottle of hair vigor or pills, in case an,
benefactor of the race should call to secur
his right as the sole manufacturer Of sucl
articles In the meantime Lacullus, Ian
gushing in Jail, could very readily burs
his fetters and regain his liberty. provid
ing some man Of inventive talent calIe
on the Commissioner TO take out searches
say On some kind duplex elliptic monke,
wrench. Or if no such person turned VI
could arrange it, l think, so that Lucul
lus could rip up the floor of that dungeon
and tear up several acres of territor,
around the neighborhood with subsoi
plow Anyhow, | would get him out i
| had 10 smash the entire penitentiar,
into vulgar fractions with one variety O
auother of coal oil.
Then it seems 10 me, that the interes
of the story would be sustained, aud fry
more machines Of various kinds could b
worked in, if, for instance, might caus
this escaped convict Of mine 10 ascertain
that the musical composer had won tb
heart of that fair young thing. Amelis, il
the absence of her lover, by Offering t
bring her flannel frils into market, and T.
allow her royalty, we will assume, o
ten cents frill. When Lucullus hear
of this | should induce him to obtain th
influence of Amelias parents in his behal
by propitiating old Mr.. Smith, we might
| think, presume, with the latest yariet
of buuion plasters for which patent wa
wanted, while the implicabie aEimosit
of Mrs. Smith could he appeased, shou
conjecture, either with gingham um
brella with an Improvement of six or seve
! ribs, or else a lot of galvanized gum ring,
if any inventor brought such thing
around, for her grand>chlldren.
How would it answer, then, for til
sake Of breaking the monotony of thes
lovers intIigues, TO cram IN little NOR
of the reviyified Alphonso because
could very readily fill The heart of tha
reanimated corpse with brffIed rage, an
cause him TO sell to old Smith one of Ih
Gunns--we will say Gums, because thi
is hypothetical case one of Gum:
improved hydraulic rams. Old Smith,
am sure, upon reflection, could be depict
ed as an infatuated being, who placed Iha
ram down in the meadow, and caused