The Ottawa free trader. [volume] (Ottawa, Ill.) 1843-1916, 1872-01-20
HOME MATTERS
Pepper, Salt and SpIce,

ago. He was very lsme-l4me in both feet and
lame in his tongue. Said We: "Say Mr.. -,
sick:' Answer: "Hic-no, corns !" We further
queried: "Corns on the toes, or in the head
ha-ley.eorns or plain csrn.:" His answer, as he
hrnped away, settled it He said, eyer (hic)
kno-how-tis yer s,hic) eli" -. During the last
few days the denizens Of the least side have
been compelled to cross the Fox river on the
stringers OF the OLD bridge, the top and hooriug
having been removed to make room for the new
iron structures To nervous persons walking
on the space of Is inches, fifty feet above
the water, is q difficult feat. and those whose
heads are subject to spells of giddiness, have
beea Obliged to remain at home, or 20 around
by way Of Msrsai!les ar Dayton. Those who
have dared to walk over have carefully abstaned
from all exciting beverages. Some of them now
even refuse iced tea. This thing has proved a
greater promoter of temperance than Reddick's
bill There seems to be corner on milk in
this city We can't get any for our coffee, and
are reduced to the dire necessity of using chalk
or whisky. We take ours "straig ht." 80. We
lately published item about Wards horses
having eioped with each other, aud in which we
stated that the said Ward was "meat csrpen-
ter" deacon" and that he "cussed." He
has sued us for "inaam m alton of the character
and has secured the services of those eminent
law.slingers, Dick Daily ard Ben Phelps. We
made negotiations to obtain on our side that pro-
dizzy of forensic ability, who is no less person.
age than the famous giant who built Buffalo
Reek. The trial is To come off before Squire
Graham's brown dog. Our principal witness Is
Jim Cross, who will furnish the rebuttiny testi-
mony, and Bowm.ns bull will but jim. Should
We fail in this suit We will suspend Dicks
Al5eas, make a corpus Of Ben, get Sheridan to
declare martial law, and then will ''go for Ward
900. Tho custom Of every body's patent humbug
on every fence, sidewalk, sils Of barn, COW
stable, or other out-houses, has become more
than a nuisance, 1t is an outrage. Sometimes
this proiane manner of daubing every available
space with some tanning notice of some william
Gus nostrum or other, gets respectable men
into trouble, as for instance, on the side of one
Of the bridges We find these notices, posted one
after another, and commencing at the top and
reading downwards the information conveyed is:
''Gooi for Worms
"Jswelry At Mccain & Haskell's"
AT $2 per ton, alec"
Buy your vermifuEe
And Mr.. Millsrs Female Pills."
Prepare TO meet you God"
al - per dozen, likswlse'
Best tea at Risles"
Hogs Wanted
apply at the Republican office for"
Small Pox!"
....Awfully dry times rage at Pontiac. The
Circuit Court was recently in session there, and
also grand jury attachment Liquor selling is
forbidden in that highly moral neck.of.the-
woods, especially while the grand jury are
afound, and III consequence old bummers find it
rather binding. They lounge about the railroad
depots and look wis.fully at the side-coat pock.
cts Of the passengers who step off upon the plat.
forms. As We passed through that town lately,
getting out to see around US while the train was
waiting to exchange express goods, luminous
old chap with eleven red spots on his nose, came
up and offered us 10 cents for chance to smell
our breath. We took the change. The corsners
jury next day sat upon that old gentleman; YER
dict: died Of deliriu m tremens e. One Of our
prominent citizens is gone, gone to Chicago to
stay-four weeks. We saw him 60. He put
coal oil on his hair, had his front teeth white
washed, scattered taller on his No. 10 COW hides,
borrowed IS cents from Billy O'Niel, and left
The pilgrim alluded to sails under the name Of
Huff. He is an aunt of Csrds-not playing
cards. but Nelson Card :. Benson, ono OF the
most popular railroad station agents in Americ q
or thereabou.s, does bushes at Strestor for the
c., B. & @. aud Strawn & Co.'s road. Lately
when we were there he received bill marked
"A present to Benson-tame pigeons. When
the good, came they proved to be two ooups Of
qeese. The last We saw of Benson he was hunt
ing around town for muzzles for them. He says
they sing rather loud, also frequent, likewise
discordsnt, and besides he don't care for music
anyhow -. Every time we happen to walk along
the street behind the editor OF the Wochsndiaa.
he goes of to his office and writes local. saying
''Hello, Bemus! driving hogs again" So....
When the boys crook their elbows, slant out
wards the little finger of the hand in which they
hold the telescope which they take observations
OF tho stars, they say: "Hers luck to Reddick
in horn. They take the horn-not Reddick.
go. Martin Keim has invented n new musical
instrument, or rather is trying to make new
music on an old machine He has been e week
trying to play Yankee Doodle with two cleAvers
on a sausage block -. We refer to Peak, the bell