Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1872-04-11
Humorous Headings.
A limp it fiuid-Liniment.

u iin IL Hulu-IlulInent.
A loaf-r is rarely a thoroughbred
man.
A rum blossom is one species of rye
flower.
A good square meal-A soda cracker.
Dry, isn't it?
A standing crop-A frightened yokels
head of hair
What even a teetotaler must come 70
at last-His bier.
Motto for sewing machines-s.As YOU
sew, so shall you rip"
A stare case-Verv often the case
when you meet a pretty girl on Il.
Where did Noah preserve the bees du-
| ring the flood ?-In the ark-hives.
\ young woman's conundrum-Who
is our favOTite Roman hero ?-Marius.
A gunsmith's shop is like a chicken
pie, because it contains fowl-in'-pieces.
A party hearing of dog after Land
seer, wanted to know what he was after
him for.
Slippery trick-sending prettily work
ed, comfortable slippers to a single gen
tleman.
There is a boy in Salem so bright that
his mother has to look at him through a
bit of smoked glass.
The most popular newspaper in
young ladies' seminary-The one that
makes the most hustle
A pillow, though not belonging TO the
human species, comes under the head of
a rational being.
''Suicide in the second degree" Is
hot anl1 IN
man hangs herself and the rope breaks.
If it is wise to have two string to
your bow, it is prudent to have one Of
your purse strings a check string.
When opposite neighbors quarrel they
can never come to a proper understand
ing, because they argue from different
premises.
A shOp-keeper, recommending a piece
of silk for gown, told his customer,
Madam, it will wear forever, and make
a petticoat afterward."
IF you don't give me a dime, said a
a young hopeful to his mother, 81 kno 4
a boy who's got the measles, and I'll go
and catch them"
a grocer recently had a pound Of su-
gar returned, with a note stating that IT.
GOuldllGu lDO IluEu sdL1Q LOT ldDiS N5cs
and not enough for building purposes.
4 love match was broken, the other
evening, while inspired by the inebriat-
ing bowl, introducing the lady as his
future prisoner"
Shy ioke-A cautious old bachelor who
knows that the present is leap year,
says-''If you meet a young lady who
is not very shy, you had better be little
shy yourself.
4 man having announced that be
wanted to marry girl with plenty Of
snap in her, paper advises him 10 ''go
for the Wisconsin girl who swallowed
forty percussion caps a week or two
ago"
'Let me see," said a Chicago boss
mason, refiectively, to a burned-out
merchant-''have got to put up block
for Brown this morning, and dwelling
| house this afternoon for Smith. Yes. /
guess we can jerk up your store this
| noon by takin' only half an hours noon
in"
Holding the plow-A city gent who
! longed to hold the plow, and go in for
nature generally, tried it last summer,
! but has now come back to the city, and
says: "Oh. yes, / like to hold the
pillow; but l prefer to do it in my own
| house, sitting in my easy chair, with my
| family clustered around me-"
well, Sambo, is your master, a good
| farmer?" 0 yes, he be very good farm
er: he make two crops in one year.
How is that, Sambo ?" "Why lie sell
all his hay in de fall, and makes money
/ once: den in de spring he sell all de
/ hides ob de cattle dat die for de lack oh
| de hay. and makes money twice"
How to administer physic-A paper
/ gives the following directions for using
| its new patent hen pills: From one
| to ten boxes of pills is a dose for young
/ fowls The best way TO give the remedy
! is 10 tickle the chicken under the wings
/ until # laughs. when the medicine can
! be shot down its throat with a musket
or horse-pistol.
For Next Summer.-A newly invent
ed fy-paper is covered with nitro-g' ycer-
| inc. glue and treacle. The flies, attract
ed by the molasses, alight, and. are stuck
! fast by the glue. Should any get away,
| they proceed to rub their legs to-
| gether in ecstasy, when the friction Of
their own shins causes the nitro 'ycer-
| inc adhering to their feet and limbs 10
I
A worthy Scotch couple, when asked
! how their son had broken down so early
| in life, gave the following explanation
when we began life together we work
ed hard and lived upon porIidge and
such like, gradually adding to our CON-
forts as our means improved, until we
were able to dine off bit of roast meat,
and sometimes boiled chickie Chick
en- , but Jack, our son, he worked hack
ward, and began with the chickie first" "
There is a station on the Pittsburg,
/ Fort Wayne and Chicago railroad called
| Hanna. in honor of a deceased citizen OF
| Fort Wayne A train stopped there the
other day. and the brakeman, after the
| maner of his class, thrust his head inside
tbe d,>0r and called out, ''EIanna." loud
and LONG 4 young lady, probably en-
! dowed with the poetic appellation OF
Hannah. suppos,'ag he was addressing
her, and shocked at Us ianilllaldy M ~ -
short an acquaintance, fro"ned IKE E.e.,,a
| thunder cloud, and retorte1, ''nu' 0'i
mouth? ?" He shut it.