Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1872-07-19
HulmOr.
The first game Of llfe-Bawl.

A question OF tlme-Ask1ng lady age.
A desirable second hand article--a young,
rich, and amiable widow.
Is lamp at any time in bad temper?
Yes; when it is put out.
The mosquito, as public singer, draws
but never gives satisfaction.
Boston has tender hearted man who
can't bear to discharge debt.
70 make thin man look fat, call after
him, and he will then look round.
Newspapers should send only such re-
porters to cattle shows as are accustomed to
pens.
If you should be asked when cat is like
teapot, you might reply, "When you're
teasin' it.
What is the difference between locomo.
tive and hound? One tracks on the run,
the other runs on the track.
Twelve hundred and fifty dollars made
the ancient "talent." 1t takes some talents
to make $l,25O now days.
An Illinois paper thinks seventeen-year
locusts are so-called, because they come
around seventeen times year.
A sailor who has a scar which is the re-
suit of dispute on shore many years ago,
refers to it as an old landmark
GA thing of beauty is Joy forever" Is
it, my boy? Marry it, and you'll find it is
very much the reverse Punch.
By an insane contributor : When may
your money be said to be glad to see you?
When it Is mute elated currency.
The height of misery Putting on a white
necktie which you fancy becomes you, and
being hailed in the evening as "waiter!''
In Petersburg the temperature is indica-
ted by its effect upon paper collars. 1t is
now reported at "three paper collars heat"
A bore meeting Douglas Jerrold, said .
"Weli, what's going on to-day?" Il am"
exclaimed Jerrold, darting past the inquirer
A Chicago woman has married a man in
jail She brags that she is "the only girl
in town who knows where her fellow stays
Of nights"
IF a hungry man should come home to
dinner and find nothing on the table but a
beet, what would be his exclamation That
beats all
Musical Jones' doctor last week forbid
him to eat pastry. Musical Jones simply
responded to his medical man by sing dolo-
rously, Good bye, sweet tart, good bye"
"Wbat can be more narrowing to your
soul than the thought of wasted opportuni-
ties p asked teacher of bright boy ga
peg in my boot harrows my sole more'n any
thing else" replied the bright boy.
A young lady seeking situation was III
terested in an advertisement for some one to
do light housekeeping. She wrote to the
advertiser asking where the lighthouse was,
and if there was any way of getting to shore
on Sunday.
A gentleman dining at cheap restaurant
the other day was heard to give the cour-
ageous order 'Wa alter, let the cheese move
this way" It was cheese very like that on
the table which was awarded the prize for
gymnastics at a country fair.
If civil word or two will render man
happy, he must be wretched indeed who
will not give them to him. Such dispo-
sition is like lighting another mans candle
by ones own, which loses none of its bril-.
liancy by what the other gains.
A clergyman, having made several at
tempts to reform proaigate, was at
lengt repulsed with cit is in vain, doc
tor you cannot get me to change my relig-
ion" II do not want that" replied the
good man, 81 wish religion to change
you"
"NIother I should not be surprised if our
Susan gets choked some day"
"Why. my son p
because her beau twisted his arm
around her neck the other night, and if she
had not kissed him to lei her 60, he would
have strangled her"
An Irish pedlar asked an itinerant poul-
terer the price of pair of fowls. "Six
shillings, Sir" ''In my dear country, my
darling, you might buy them for sixpence
pace" "Why don't you remain in your
own dear country, then p cause we have
no sinpence, my jewel" said Pat.
A man who quarreled with his wife, in
his passion, advised her to visit the internal
regions. Next day his little four-year old
daughter said to her mother, with very Sc.
rious face: mamma, papa told you to 90
to hi last night, didn't hep eyes, dar-
ling; but what of it?' Muffin, only if I
was you wouldn't go''
The Next Thing-A deacon who keeps
grocery store having instr ucted his clerk,
when out Of desired article to call the at
tention of the customer to the next nearest
thing, was little astonished when his pas
tor called and enquired for new molasses,
to hear the clerk say, "We have no new
molasses, but we have some nice new rum
Upon the question, What is the worst
bread which is eaten? One answered, in
respect Of the coarseness thereof, bread
made of beads. Another said bread made
of acorns. But the third hit the truth who
said, bread taken out of other mems mouths,
who are the true proprietaries thereof. Such
bread may be sweet in the mouth to taste,
but is not welcome in the stomache to d.
gest.
'Pat can you tell me what is Virgi !"
''To be sure, can, jimmy
"Well, thin, will ye be after dom it p
eyes, jist-it's woman that has never
been married at all be Jabers"
"Be ye in earnest, PatY
"Yis Jimmy"
..The saints of Hiven be praised then