The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1872-08-24
VARIETY.


\ doctors motto is supposed TO be - Patients
and long suffering"
western editor speaks Of a wind that &" just
sat ON it, hind legs and bowled-"
According to the last census, there are in the
United States five millions Of children, Of school
age, who never attend school.
II You want 10 part company with the flies in
your house, fumigate the rooms lightly with
carbOlic acid and leave the windows open
A constable in Ohio lately testified in Court as
follows: - I know nothing Of her but what hear
The neighbors say; and, in my opinion, what a
woman says Of another Is not worthy Of belief -
NewIy-married daughter How long does
the honeymoon last mama?'' Practical parent
- Until you ask your husband for money, my
dear"
In summer the New York pilots venture five
anc SIX hundred miles from Sandy Hook 90 meet
in-soming steamers. It Is - first come, first
served, - with them
young lady in Louisville buried her dead
cat the other day with all the honors. The
neighbOrs watched her, cried nGantieide, sent ter
policeman and dug up the mOuser! Tableau
4 returned Australian found the baby he left
at home Miss Of five summers. One day he
offended her, and she fretfully exclaimed, &"
wish you had never married into our family"
Why is it, asked Frenchman Of a Switzer,
that you swiss always fight for money while the
French only fight Tor honor. suppose, answered
the Swiss that each fights for what he most lacks.
The Cleveland Herald offers to take any guam
tity Of subscriptions on condition that if Greeley
be elected the subscribers shall pay nothing, but
If he be not elected they shall pay double rates.
Once, during the war, Barnum was at Wash
ington exhibiting Gen. Tom Thumb and Admiral
Mutt. Mr. Lincoln said, 90 You have some pretty
small generals, but 1 think 1 can beat you"
A New York editor cries for an inspector of
sewing, because, after investing in a new shirt,
he found himself when he awOke in the morning,
crawling out between two of the shortest stitches.
The marriages service, in the opinion of a
western paper, should be changed to read: Who
dare take this woman? And the groom shall
answer, - dare" For shame!
A sanctimOnious person said to a wild youth,
God will send you TO hell. Well replied the
youth, If God sends me to hell, he'll fix it some
how so / can stand it. Was not that faith?
A Fort Edward farmer brought a load of pota-
toes to market the other day, was offered 25 cents
n bushel for them, got mad because he was not
offered more, and dumped she whole load in the
river.
Bony Nash. the Cincinnati gambler, whose |
death wus recently recorded, was congratulated /
short time before the event upon looking in bet |
ter health than usual, when he replied, +" l bet |
you so dOu't live week" He won-
The Sulphur Springs CTexas) Gazette gravely |
chronicles that cyclone swept over its town the 4
other day, tearing up by the roots large beet in
the garden Of the Mayor. No other damage /
stated
Bustles without names are indefinite articles, |
but when we speak Of them Us Z" The Lady of
Lnrne,' the - Martha Washington " and the /
a. Refine Marg1t," we know what we talking |
abOut-B0St0H Post.
BE you good? asked bright little chap of
Miss Bud. his Sunday school teacher, the other l
day. Oh, no. was the becoming reply. You
amt Well, knew you wasn't pretty, but /
always thought you was good
Put not your faith in him who predicts hot |
seasOn-he keeps ices nor IN him who predicts !
cold One-he owns n cheap clothing store nor
yet in him who declares wet One-he has um-
brellas nor dry One-he sells beer.
Here, waiter." said gentleman, rs he was
about leaving n hotel, - here "a dollar for YOU
give it 20 YOU beenuse you have attended to my
fires 80 we'll" Thank your honor may you live |
long, and may have the making Of your fires
hereafter -
Pure water win absorb many unpleasant odors /
A pan full Of clean, fresh water from n well OF
spring, placed in a room which has been newly
painted, will obsOrb during the night so much of
the smell Of the paint as to be totally unfit to 1
drink.
A clergyman accOsted by an old acquaintance /
by the name OF Cobb, replied, " don't know
you, SIR - My name is Cobb, rejoined the .
man, who was about half seas over. "a All, sir,
said the minister, - you have 50 much corn on
you that / did not see the cob
The best feature connected with the South /
African diamond fields, is the discovery that the !
Cape country is one OF the richest agricultural |
regions in the world. From a country almost /
barren Of people it will in time become one Of the
most thiekly settled portions of the globe.
IL is remarkable coincidence that James
Gordon Bennett, who founded the Y. Y. Herald /
and Nathan Randall, who was invited by Mr.
Bennett to unite with him in the enterprise as
business manager, were both carried to the tomb
on the same day.
Col. Tennessee Cla1in has been presented with
n pair Of Mexican spurs, with rowes as large as
n silver dollar, to stimulate the fiery steed she
will ride at the head Of her regiment. The spurs
will penetrate the equine TANKS from opposite di-
rectiOns.
poor little Sunday school scholar in Wiscon-
sin was deluded into learning 3,730 verses in the
Bible in four weeks by the promise Of a book.
They gave him - HiehcOck's Analysis of the BIZ
BILE" He s<aped it for a three bladed knife and
a peck Of hickory nuts
A correspondent of the Chicago Tribune saws
that Mast, the artist, earns from $50 day TO
thrice that sum with his pencil. He has been
married nine years and has three children. His
father, now many years dead, was formerly a
musician in Wallack's orchestra, at so 4 week
A man in Jamestown bought q ticket to Bar
mum show for himself and boy and had Just a
dollar Ieft 10 buy meat for his family As his
pockets aiterward picked It is hoped this lit
tie incident will serve q warning to all men not
Tn snve auy mnnev for meat whom there n civc,,