The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-04-23
H U M MoRou S ITEMS

)
gown becomes . woman, at least some of
them. H1
~ A western paper describes letter
Of Horace Greeley as looking "as II some
body had smashed bottle of ink over It,
and tried to wipe it off with a currycomb."
tB- A crusty old bachelor says that Glove
is a wretched business, consisting Of little
signing, little crying, little dying, and
great deal of lying"
EB Says an Irishman writing home
from Chicago, "Shoor, there are NO people
at ahl in the dinsely population districts,
and the side walks is in the middle of the
street."
6B- Miss Rose Hawthorne, the young
est daughter of the novelist, has recently
married, and by her change of name de-
stroyed the proverb. She is now Rose
without Hawthorne.
CB Speaking of theoretical farming,
Josh Billings says he once knew man who
wouldn't even set a gate post without hav-
ing the ground analysed to see if it possess
es the proper ingredients for post holes.
tB- A Western publisher lately gave no
tice that he intended to spend fifty dollars
for "a new head" for his paper. The
next day one of his subscribers dropped
him the following note "Don't do it,
better keep the money and buy new head
for the editor"
tB- A Mr. Wilkinson has written to a
Western paper, informing the public that
he thinks the newspaper report of his
death is incorrect. He says that, to the
best Of his knowledge, he is alive, and.
would be kicking, if he could find the
author of the report.
tB- A paper gives the following direc-
tions for using its new patent hen pills -
"From one to ten boxes of pills is dose
for young fowls. The best way to give the
remedy is to tickle the chicken under the
wings until it laughs, when the medicine
can be shot down its throat with musket
or horse pistol"
EB- A editor down east thus speaks of
contempory: "He is too lazy to earn o
meal and too mean to enjoy one. He was
never generous but once, and that was
when he gave the itch to his apprentice.
So much for his goodness of heart. OF
his industry, the public may the better
judge when we state that the only day he
ever worked was the day he mistook castor
oil for honey"
EB" An editor relates how colored bar
Der made dead-head of him. He offered
| him the usual dime for shaving, when the
fellow drew himself up with considerable
pomposity, and said
81 understand dat you is an editor"
"Well, what of it ?" said we.
"We nebber charge editors muffin 70
But my wooly friend" we continued,
"there are a good many editors travelling
nowadays, and such liberality on your part
will prove q ruinous business"
"Oh nebber mind" remarked the bar
ber: "we make it up Off dc gcnmsn.''
tB- A serving woman, who was sent to
| bring water for some domestic purposes, re-
turned completely drenched, after what
was considered rather an unreasona-
BILE length of time. Her mistress demanded
what had kept her so long. "Kept me SO
long - said the dripping absentee, with
look of surprise; "deed, ye may be glad to
see me again; the burn was runnin' frae
| bank TO brae. / missed fit and fell in,
and if it hadna been for Providence and
another woman, I'd haze been drowned.'
C58- A punning correspondent of the New
York Sun recently visited a female semi
nary, and here is his account of it
l told the boss that didn't think this
could be good school.
Says he Why?"
Said l "There are too many misses here
for correct lessons"
Then he called up lovely girl in green
merino, with yellow silk string round her
neck, and she stepped up to nice clean
blackboard and took piece of chalk and
daubed it all up Then the boss exclaimed
"What do you think Of that?"
told him that any fool could make white
marks ON to a blackboard with piece Of
chalk. "Give her a piece of charcoal"
says /, "and if she makes them white
marks with that, then she will be smart"
"Why" said he that is the map of Asia"
"Drawn by minor" said 1; "that
makes it Asia Minor"
The boss told me to give 'em problem