Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1872-06-05
TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW,
An lima agtnary Picture of the Conseauen
ces Of Greeiey's Election TO the PresI
dency.

IN ENI1 1EARS FROM NONs
ces eff GreeIey's Election TO the PresI.
dency.
The following is supposed to have
been written in 1892 by Max Adler, who
imagined himself witness of the terri
BILE scenes which occurred at the time
OF which the story tells, The English
satire, "The battle of Dorking." sup
! Piled the suggestions for this prophetic
! tale
THE CONQUEST OF AMERICA.
You ask me to tell you, my children,
of the events which Immediately pre-
ceded the destruction of the once great
American Union, and the capture of
the country by the present European
rulers, and to say something also of the
cause which led to these deplorable re-
| suits.
In the fall of 1872 Horace Greeley,
the editor of newspaper in New York,
was elected President of the United
States. The people voted for him be-
cause they thought he was an honest
man. And SO he was. But he was also
vain and weak, and he entertained GER
tain tanatlcal and preposterous notions
about agricultural matters, for in
stance, (which he was determined to
force upon the people at all hazard, and
despite all opposition He believed,
among other things, that every man
ought to go to the West to earn his
bread, and long before he was chosen
| President he used to advise everybody
to move to that region, as cure for all
the disasters that could befall the hu-
man family.
DRIVING THE sEABoARD POPULATION WEST.
AS soon as he reached the Executive
Mansion, which we used to call the
| White House, President Greeley organ
| lied an army of 200, 900 men, and pro-
| ceeded to force the entire population of
| the seaboard States westward at the
point of the bayonet. The utmost vio-
| lence was used Those who resisted
were shot down, and their dead bodies
were carried off to a national factory
which the President had established
for making some kind of fantastical fer
tilizer. All the large cities of the East
were depopulated, and the towns were
entirely empty.
ALL EUROPE IN ARMS AGAlNSI AMERlCA
In the meantime the President was
doing infinite harm to the country in
another way, His handwriting was sc
fearfully and wonderfully bad that nc
living man could read it. And so wher
| he sent his first annual message to Con,
gress-the document was devoted
wholly to the tariff and agriculture
sentence appeared which subsequently
was ascertained to be "Large cultiva
tion of rutabagas and beans is the only
hope of the American nation, I am
sure" The printers not being able tc
interpret this. put it in the following
form, in which it went to the world
"The Czar of Russia couldn't keep
clean if he washed himself with the
whole Atlantic ocean once a dayP
This pefversion of the message was i'm
mediately declared war.
Just at this time President Greeley
undertook to write some letters to
Prince Bismarck upon the subject Of
potato rot, and after giving his singu.
lar views at great length he concluded
with the statement that if the Emperor
William said that subsoil plowing wa!
not good in light soils, or that gdant
was better than bone dust, he was {
"liar, a villain and a slave !" O.
course the Emperor Immediately de
clared war, and became an ally of Rus
sia and of England, against which lat
ter country Mr.. Greeley had actuall,
begun hostilities already; because tht
Queen, in her speech from the throne
had declared the Tribune's advocacy O
a tariff on pig-iron incendiary, and cal
culated to disturb the peace of nations
Uuhappily this was not the full
measure of our disasters. The Presi
dent had sent to the Emperor of Aus
ttria copy of his book, "What
Know" etc, with the autograph upo1
o fy-leaf The Emperor mistook ths
signature for a caricature of the Aus
trian eagle, and he heartily joined il
war against the United States; while
France was provoked to the same &C
by the fact that when the French Min
lister came to call upon Mr.. Greeley t.
present his credentials, the President
who was writing an editorial at th
time, not comprehending the Frencl
language, mistook the Ambassador fo
a beggar, and without looking up hand
ed him quarter and an order for
clean shirt, and said to him, g Go West
young man, go West.
PRESIDENT GREELEY AND CABINET HANGEI
So all of these nations Joined in max
ing war upon the United States. The,
swooped down upon the coasts an(
landed without opposition, for thes
exposed portions of our unhappy coun
try were absolutely deserted. Th
| oe, 10
army from Kansas at first, for fear tn
outraged people upon the Plains woul,
come east in spite Of him. But at las
! he did summon the army to his aid, ant
it moved to meet the enemy. It was
too late. Before the troops reached
Cincinnati the foreigners seized Wash
ington and all the country east of th
Ohio, and had hung the President, Cab
met, and every member of Congress.
UTTER RUIN OF THE REPUBLIC.
You know what followed how Prime
Frederick William Of Prussia ascendeC
the American throne, and the othe
humiliations that ensued. 1t was
fearful blow to Republicanism- bloy
from which 1t will never recover.
made us who were freemen nation 0
slaves. 1t was all the result of on
blind confidence in misguided oil
man, who thought himself p philos
opher, but who was actually q fool
May Heaven preserve you, my children
from the remorse [ feel when I remem
Der that voted for that bucolic oil
editor
Curious Mode Of Obtaining ReYenge.
! The New Orleans Picayune has th
| following curious item: ga snak
: carefully wrapped in fine feathers an
looking like lady's tippet, whicI
! came out of the pillow of lady dow
! in the French quarter of the city, wa