Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-06-21
49, a r- a.
VARIETIES:

| V004G4x EOsHF ~ ~ - -
Which can travel the fastest-heat or
cold? Why, heat, you duncel Anybody
can catch cold. -sst sc
If you can but give to the fainting
soul at your door cup Of water from the
wells of truth, it shall flash back on you
the radiance of God. Asyou save, so shall
you be saved. Conway. ..-.,
"Mr. Smith, I wish to speak to you q
moment, privately. Permit me to take
you apart" th-(who wasn't the least
bit frightened): Certainly, sir, if you'll
promise to put me together again " els.a
An old Dutch acquaintance, who some
years ago was elected a member of the
Legislature, said in his broken English
style, ''Ven I vent to the Legislature, 7
fought would find dem all Solomons dere;
but I find dere vas, some pig as fool dere.,
as vas" ..-..-.. - -
professor" said student, in pursuit 9
of knowledge concerning the habits of ami
mails, |'why does cat, while eating, turn
her head frstone way aad then the other2"A
For the reason" replied the professor,
THAT she cannot turn it both ways at }
once p II as~ ;s+a.13 55ilsts,3
Is Miss B. at home % asked Mr.. s. Of
the Irish girl who answered the ring at
the door. 'sYis she is. sir" IFS she en-
gagged? 2" ''An' isiit engaged you say?
Faith, an I can't tell ye, sir but she kiss,
ed Mr.. V. last evening as if she had NOT
seen the like Nv him, an it's engaged
behave they are, sir" *
Daniel Webster once said II we'll re-,
member marked difference between those
Of my schoolmates who had and those who
had not access to newspapers. Other
things being equal, the first were always
superior to the latter in debate, compost
ton and general intelligence
A girl. forced by her parents into q
|disagreeable match with an old man whom
she detested. when the clergyman came to
that part of the service where the bride il
asked if she consents to take the bride.A
groom for her husband, said 1tOh, dear.
no, sir; but you are the first person who
has asked my opinion about the matter"
Charles Matthews. going into an eating
house for lunch heard, as be entered and
sat down. seven orders given in quick sucrw
cession by q throug Of as. many customs
ers. One called for basin'of ox-tail soups
two for mock-turtle soup, three for pea,
soup and one for bouilli. And the waiter
dashing to the speaking tube that comma
nicated with the cook, bawled out with
immense rapidity, Zone OK, two mocks,
three peas and bully"
During our late war there was q young
man in the army who did not join Of his
own free will. He had been drafted. he.
was not a brave young man; quite the
otherwise. One day during bloody bat-
tie, our young friend showed such large
white feather that the captain was obliged
to threaten him with his pistol in order to
keep him from running away altogether.
Then the youth began to cry. You ought
to be ashamed of YOURSELF said the cap
tain; you're no better than baby Il
wish I was-a-baby. blubbered our hero,
AN gal baby at that
links is a clerk in store for the sale
oflaces and things. One day young and
pretty customer rendered to him in ex.o
change for some laces much worn and
patched fifty cent stamp. links looked
at it obviously. 1t was against the rules
to take such. His face was 80 grave and
his manner so hesitating that the pretty
face said, in the sweetest of tones:
"Would you like better half?'
'Well," stammered links, his heart in
his mouth, his face crimson, II wouldn't
object, provided Miss, the-the--right
person would accept me-" .i - .
The pretty face blushed, too but three
months latter the twain became one flesh,
as above stated. .-.s..4-a. 1..'
In Sparta, Wisconsin. a new doctor,
just arrived in town, called ON the editor
of the village paper at midnight, in storm
TO subscribe for his paper, and pay Eve
dollars for the insertion of a business card.
The poor editor stood at the open door in
his shirt. the rain beating against his legs,
for want of accommodations in the house
for his new patron. Hunting around to
make change, in the excitement, be start
ed a perspiration, took cold, and was sick.
The next day be bad to call a physician, :,
Of course he patronized the. new doctor,
who had paid him some cash. He was
sick three weeks and had to pay the doc
tor forty-eight dollars more than be re-
ceived from him. He says that he never
will take money from a doctor again. "a