Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1872-04-25

A COLLECTION OF EPITAPHs.
For a asailor-Anchored
For an auctioneer-Gone.
I For a watchmaker-Stopped.
For Observation-Disclosures.
For Wheelwright- Tired of life.
For better man-''Better off. ="
For an angler-Waiting for rise.
For a razor Underground
For boot black-AmOng the .'shin
ing" ones. II
For baker-He 'neads no more or
earth.
For beggar-I asked for bread and
they gave me ''stGne"
For liar
In life he lied whilst he had breath.
| And strange to say, lies StW i'm death.
For a brewer
4 wen known brewer Iieth here,
His ais are o'er-he's on the bier.
For potter
On earth he oft turned clay to def,
! And now he's turned to clay himself.
For musical Director .r
In beating time his life was passed,
But time has beaten him at lasi.
For scale maker ...-...
| His lOeiqhS were ways of pleaSantneSs,
| In all life's fitful dream;
| He struck a balance with the world,
And then-he kicked th9 beam.
The "Abyssian stretch" has suppressed
ed the Grecian bend, and the ''Kanga-
roo drOop" among the bellies of fashion.
| 1t is supposed that this will have a short
run, as the Madagascar futter" and the
"Feejeean sprawl" arel waiting to be
adopted.
! A friend of ours couTted lady for
| twenty-eight years, and then married
| her. She turned out to be perfect vi
rago, but died in a few days after the
wedding ''Now," said our friend in a
lf-congratulating tone, ''see what
have escaped by a long courtship."
A clergyman asked some children
"WhY do we say in the Lords prayer,
Who art in heaven, when God is every
where 2" He saw little drummer boy
who looked as he could give an answer,
and turned to him for an answer.
"Well, little boy, what do you say ?"
Because it's headquarters. :"
My lord, said foreman Of an Irish
jury, when giving in verdict, we find
the man who stole the horse not guilty.
Why is minister near the end of his
sermon like a ragged urchin? Because
he's toward (tor'd) his close (clothes.)
Are Won the mate of the ship? asked
an emigrant of the cook. who was an
Irishman No, sir, was the reply; / am
the man who cooks the mate.
The question of where all the Smiths
come from is answered. A factory in a
neighboring city bears the sign Smith
manufacturing company.
There are two reasons why some peo-
pie don't mind their business. One is
that they haven't any business, and the
other * that they have no mind.
Some one says that the lion and the
lamb may lie down together in this
world, but v hen the lion gets up it win
be hard work to find the lamb.
4 teacher. catechising his scholars,
put the question, What was made to give
light to the world Matches cried one
Of the Youngsters. after a short pause
The latest dodge for young ladies who
don't want to obey in the marriage
ceremony IS to repeat in the indistinct
tones and rapid manner love, honor,
and be gay.
\ western orator thus winds up a de-
finition of eternity-Wby, my friends
after millions and millions Of years had
rolled away in eternity, it would be- a
hundred thousand years 10 breakfast
time.
Thomas, said father 10 his -ou. don't
let that girl make a fool Of Won. Re
member the adage that Love is blind. "
oh, talk about loves being blind, said
Tom: why ] see ten times as much in
that girl as you do.
4 man whose eyesight was not good
was recommended to try glasses. He
SAYS he went and took four at the near
est drinking saloon, and the result was
that his sight was SD much improved
that he could see double.
Rowland Hin made n good remark
upon hearing the letter II discussed. as
to whether it were a letter or not If it /
were not, he said, it would make him |
''illn all the days of his life.
A young wife on being lately asked |
what she should do in case her husband /
should fail, replied, Live on arms to be /
sure. | have two and he has two. with |
hands at the end Of them. We will |
venture to say that couple viii never |
fail.
A Scotch nObleman one day visited a .
same time there was a blazing fire, |
which led him to exclaim Mr.. --,
your office is as hot as an oven, So ii /
should be, my lord, replied the lawyer. /
as il is here that / make my bread.
DR.. johnson, when in INDECENT cir
was offered a rectory if he
would enter into orders. But this great
man, sensible of the asperity of his tenn
per, declined it, saying: / have not the
requisites for the office, and cannot in
my conscience shear the flock which / |
am unable to feed.
Artemus Ward was on a slow Califor-
MIA train, and he went to the conductor
and suggested that the cOw-catcher was
on the wrong end of the train; for, said
he, "You will never Overtake a COW,
you know, but if you'd put it on the
other end it might be useful, for now
there's nothin' on earth to hinder a cow
from walkln' right in and bitin' the
folks"
Madam said a husband to his young
wife in a little alteration which will
spring up in the best regulated families,
when man and his wife have quarrelled
and each consider the other at fault.
which of the two ought to advance tow
ard reconciliation? The best natured
and wiser of the two, said the wife, put
ting up her mouth for kiss, which was
given with JUNCTION.
A COMMUNISTS WRONGS. Lon
soI. e ]