The Portland daily press. [volume] (Portland, Me.) 1862-1921, 1872-12-27
Hotels.

kAOtelss
Despite the binding storm goodly audience
assembled at City Hall last evening to hear
"Josh Billings's' discourse on s'What know
about Hotels" The audience came fully pre-
pared to be amused, and the lecturer didn't dis.
appoint it. He came shambling up the steps
leading to the platform, and the people smiled ;
he awkwaIdly seated himself, managing to
knock over a chair or two as he did SO, and they
Uttered; he carefully drew his spectacles from
their case, wiped them and put them astride
his nose and the audience burst into a shout
Then he opened his tattered manuscript plac-
ed handkerchief under it to prevent soiling
and with an extra stoop in his shoulders and
an extra shamble in his gait, shufled up to the
desk and announced in a sort of explosive
whine, "Hotels-the married mans retreat and
the bachelors fireside.'' The description of
hotel followed. The seven by nine room, the
bed with one mattress filed with cotton and
the other doubtful, the two coat-hooks on the
wall, one of which is broken and the other ism t
there the towel rack with its single damp, thin
towel, were all described in a realistic manner.
Then followed description of the breakfast
with its limitless supply of "hash" (Which
word, by the way, aptly applies to the lecture,)
and the servant fitting about continually ask
ing if you want another cup of coffee. After
enlarging on the manufacture of "hash," con-
sidered as fine art, GOSH branched into a
disquisition on good landlords, and the motives
which impelled them to go into the hash bust
ness. From this he deviated into an essay on
farming and gave a glowing picture of the adj
vantages which theoretical agriculture has over
practical Very naturally mules and kicking
heifers came in under this head, and very ex-
plicit directions were given how to Ego for an
impentent mule. Then letter from Long
Branch was read, in which the Atlantic Ocean
was spoken of in the highest of terms and full
justice done to that much abused sheet of wa
ter. "Josh" was very candid in his treatment
of the big pond, though he inclined to the opin-
ion that, as a beverage, whiskey was prefera-
BILE. Human happiness was the next subject
which engrossed the speakers attention, and
he came to the conclusion that happiness main
ly consists in what you don't have. Then ans
wers to correspondents, pretty men, answers to
correspondents, passionate men, Newfound-
| land dogs, honest men, success in life, domes-
tic men, answers to correspondents, shade trees,
fastidious people, jealous men, and answers to
correspondents followed in rapid succession.
The scrap bag was now fairly open, and nom
| sense old and new was poured forth in per-
feet stream, till people were sore with laugh
ing, Some pearls of wisdom, 'crbbed," most
| ly, were scattered in the mass. Love and love
matters were then taken mp, and the conclu-
/ sion arrived at that, next to the gizzard, the
heart is the toughest piece of flesh in the whole
critter. Things in general next came in for a
share of attention and careful consideration,
and among other bright things, he said that
courage did not always correspond with size,
an angle-worm has more grit in it than whale.
The lecturer concluded with an essay on mar
rage, advising his hearers to marry early, SO
| that when asked why they did it they could say
it was SO long ago they had forgotten.