The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-05-24
RATES OF ADVERTISING.
Humorous.

Humorous.
A Journal announces that "Mr. Jim
edmonton, equine abductor of Min.
nesota, was lately the victim of a"neck-
tie sociable."
A colored Iyceum in Illinois is pre-
pared to debate, "Rosolved, that dog
Is biped when his tail curls so tight
that 1t lifts its hind legs off the ground"
A little girl asked her sister what
was chaos, that her papa read about?
The other replied. 1T was great pile
of nothing, and no place to put it in.'
A party of gypsies were in Danbury
recently. The Ne,cs says, "Those peo-
pie appear to think good deal of their
native land: they carry it around with
them"
| Landlord" said a traveller at the
table of country tavern, "this soup is
| little weak er than l am used to; wish
you'd just let chicken of yours wade
through it once more, if you please"
An Indiana lady has divorce from
her husband in her pocket, and whenev-
er he don't mind, she takes out the doc.
ument and shows 1t to him, when he
"weakens."
A Miss in Western New York asserts
that when gentlemen eat warm maple
sugar 1t gets into their mustaches and
makes them scratchy. Her father is anx-
ious to know how she found out.
An absent-minded resident of Dan
bury shut down window Monday,
and forgot to draw in his head. He was
calling for Helen Blazes when discoy-
| cred.
A Wisconsin poet puts a small
| poX item in verse in this way. "There
was young girl in Waukegan, whose
name was Sophia Jane Egan, she was
annoyed by the varioloid as badly as
any Piegan."
In the Apache country the Indians
are said to have become so peaceable
that it is hard to tell redskin from a
| white man; the only difference being
that the white man usually has no SCALP
and the Apache has two or three.
A female book agent recently called
| the Governor of Rhode Island from his
| place in the Senate, during an impor.
tant debate, to solicit his subscription
for book she was selling. The inter-
view is said to have terminated abrupt
ly.
| That compositor had his own way of
punctuating and spelling, and this is the
way he treated a familiar passage of
| Scripture; "The wicked flea, when no
man pursue!h but the righteous, is bold
| as lion."
Somebody in Wisconsin having, for
| some unexplained reason, occasion to
| look into geography, has discovered
striking likeness between the north
west boundary line of that State and the
three cent postage portrait of General
Washington.
A countryman, ,strolling through New
London recently, hand-in-hand with his
rural Phyllis impatient to visit the
circus, exclaimed, on seeing bunch of
bananas suspended in front of one ofthe
| fruit stores, "I'll be moved if them amt
the biggest beans 1 ever seen, Soph-
rony."
An Iowa editor has letter from a
subscriber, who writes, ~ don't want
your paper any longer" The editor says
| this Is to be regretted, as he had arrang-
ed to make the paper about six inches
longer in a few weeks.
1t was a brilliant Fond du Lac bow
who seeing dog with muzzle on for
| the first time, exclaimed; mamma,
mamma, L bet five cents the dogs are
going to wear hoop.skirts; there goes
dog with one on his nose. now."
| A Kentucky entomologist has kept
| two vigorous mosquitoes under an in
yerted tumbler for six months without
food, and they remain in healthy con-
dition. This clearly proves that their
annoyance of mankind is entirely I'M
called for and not at all necessary to
their suStenance.
In Chicago, some boys surreptitiously
pinned to the coat of a pedestrian vel
low card, bearing the inscription:
Smallpox here; are you vaccinated ?"
The Times says the gentleman met
with perfect ovation wherever he
went, but he had pretty much the en-
tire walk to himself"
Aperson who was called into court for
the purpose of proving the correctness
OF doctors bill was asked by LAWYER
whether "the doctor did not make sew
eral visits after the patient was ont of
danger" 'No," replied the witness, 81
consider the patient in danger as long
as the doctor continues his visits"
A western lawyer who tried to collect
a bill, wrote to his clients thus "Gents:
You will never get any money from Bill
johnson. The undersigned called upon
him yesterday, and found him with
nary tile, his feet upon the earth, and
not clothes enough on him to ,wad
gun"
1t is said that, whenever an applicant
for situation as brakeman appears at
the office of the Michigan Central Rail.
road, an official shouts up through the
tube and makes the inquiry: "Any
sWitchman killed lately 2" 1t has n
strange effect. The applicant suddenly
concludes that he is not entirely fitted
for the situation, and silently retires.
A lady correspondent of the San Fran
cisco CAL, writing on earthquakes.
thinks that Heterogeneous paralleXes
priSmaticaliy converging are not due to
the sllicious introductions of photosphc-
/ rical asteroids, but rather to parabolic
, stratitlcation of ingenious zygema
This has always been our opinion, but
we were never able to express 1t so
r clearly.
At one of the "labor conventions" :"
held in Washington during the strike,
D a contractor made speech eXhorting
r his hearers to "work in the interests uf
harmony and peace" Whereupon an
> able-bodled tstriker sprang to his feet
with the exclamation, "Yes, all dat's
: what we want; hominy and peas but
. who can get 1t wild dollar and a,halfa
dayW
A Maryland paper tells the story of a
= marriage under difficulties, where the
: bridegroom failed to appear at the ap
, pointed time through bashfulness, and
drought to" with a shotgun; the
c bride then became indignant and refus
. ed to marry so faint-hearted swain
. and finally the clergyman, who is some
thing of wag, settled the matter by
d threatening to have them both arrested
@ for breach of promise unless the cere
Il mony was Immediately performed
which il was,