davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-11-15

Why is old age like dogs tail? Be-
cause it is in-frm.

Why is old age like dogs tail? Be-
cause it is in-frm.
A dandy ON the shore is disgusting,
ou'~'~swell on the sea is siekenipg.
arigesbio Tigures Ii,,'t lie. Can't they? Does
truth? n5 '0 VII ~
A fisherman on the doekh a bite
yesterday, but says he'll kill the DOG
If it takes ten years.
The Iowa farmer who strapped his
|shot gun to his plough to be ready 1or
game will not be about again for some
months.
Another poor girl has died in Vir- Vi
ginia, from the use of tobacco. one
was only one hundred years old, and
an orphan.
A genius has just invented a ma
chine for making chesnuts out OF
, sweet potatoes. He hasa brother who
put handles to prickly pears and soio
!, them for curry combs.
A Kentucky editor says a neighbSor
of his is 50 lazy that when he works
in the garden he moves about 50 slow,
lv that. the shade of his broadbrlmmed
o hat kills the plants.
81 want to know" said creditor
+ fercely, "when are you going to pay
T me what you ewe me?" "When I'm
going to pay? Why, you're prett.
S fellow! Do you take me for pro
e phet?"
= A gentleman N a neighboring cit,
escapes the nuisance Of sewing maehln
e agents, book peddlers and Lightning
rod men, by placing on his door, sou
T. bosrder with the small pox is bette
to-day"
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-11-15
Selfishness VS.. Charity.

The two spirits, Selfshness and
life. Side by Side they walk in con-
trast. One ever disseminating, the
other ever absorbing. One eoopoanding
of others, the other granting of ~ftself
-Se4fshness claims the world owes him
a living. Charity believes he owes a
life to the world. The one is Jealous
OF ms good name, desiring areputation
he does not cfeserye,. Whilethe other,
meriting applause, sse1nS the praise Of
an unstable public. Theme IS resent M r.
full of real or supposed injuries while
the other E'suffereth long and is kind. %
Selfshness claims services and gifts
and Difference, and when denied means.
"Why am [ defrauded of my due?"- -
Charityis full of thankfulness for bless
ings possessed, claiming but one thing
that it's gifts may not be despised,
that they may be appreciated and be
fruitful of much good. Human ma
ture desires returns for investments :;
this is motive power-Charity is hu=
man, therefore he desires 10 see his eff
forts productive; be desires also to see
others using their latent powers. These
desires he does not always obtain, for
Selfshness, languishing in miserable
discomfort, is always defrauding Char
ity. Selfshness has a thousand ex-
cuses from service, and so shirks his
responsibilities upon Charity. He
claims TO be too tired, or too weak, or
too incapable, or too hurried, or too
refined, or too burdened to perform
disagreeable duties. So Selfshness is
often the chen with one chick" and
Charity, with a dozen chicks, must
care for some other ones brood.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-11-15

mg One of our citizens IS blessed,
or otherwise, with a very Stubborn r
W. ,u;fo In his case he fnaS that when
"ne. dn LII; LII I@' she|Will, you may de-
a M9ntar Mr9nts,,l+MsE1d wartr when she won't, she
Won't, T and that's an end ont. This
neculiarity of disposition in his wife
IS no secret among his associates, and
one of them meeting him the other
day, asked:
"W-, do you know why you art
like a donkey?"
"Like a donkey?" echoed W
opening his eyes wide: 'No, don't
'Do You giyeit up?"
81 do"
because your better half is stub
bornness itself"
s:That's not bad. Ha! Ha! I'll Civ
that to my wife when I go home"
cMrs.-," he asked, as he sa
down % supper, .'do you know why
am lKe donkey?'
ne waitd a moment, expecting hi
vafe to give it up, but she didn't, sh
4ooked at him somewhat commisera
tingIy as she answered:
II suppose it's because you Wer
born So"
W-has abjured the habit Of put
ting conundrums to his wife.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-11-15

b0A Jersey paper tells very in
teresting story of little boy in that
State. He was climbing an apple tree
and when upon the topmost limb he
slipped and fell to the ground. He
was picked up and carried to the house
in an insensible condition. After
watching by his bedside through many
weary hours, his mother perceived
signs of returning consciousness
Leaning over him she asked if there
was anything else she could do for him,
now that he began to feel better
Should she bathe his forehead, or
change his pillow, or fan him? Was
there anything he wanted? Opening
his eyes languidly, and looking at her,
the little sufferer said: eyes, [ want
pair of pants with a pocket behind .
He got them.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-11-15

WuOIC o. WO1o w eo DSWa%
eff friendships which bore crll -
ted confidence of youth, but 1T for
such sacred sketch are these tresures
of the heart. Out under the mcnlit
spacesof the hill, with the stars NV,
ard the Intellectual sympathy their
rounding chestnuts, would the Noy
breathe his condolences, and wrese
with his agony, longing for that BE-
ON upon which to rest, which he sha
miss forevermore. The boys privac
is not like that of the man. tits ten
derer, more agonizing, more easil,
wounded, forever sacred, and yet to-
often, not only by his school-master
but by the dear members of his owl
family, unknown or uncared for. 4
child too often secretly conceives a con
tempt, a half-abhorrence, of dear ant
close relations, whose clumsey toucl
can only manage to wound the fiber
of his growing heart-can treat will
disregard, as naught, the young heavel
of hopes and fears which is opening be
fore him. He will often say to him
self, "Let me remember when [ groy
to be man not to be as ignorant a
these of the proud and wayward reces
ses of a boys affections. .'-Souvenir
Of ROWaad Hill School.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-11-15
4 erect bearing and steady eve,

u
hibiting the highest degree of strength
and confidence. Her right arm was
extended in an impressive gesture up
ward, where night appears to have
planted her darkest pavilion while on
her left reclines her delicate compan-
ion, in, form and countenance the con-
trast of the other. She was dropping
like flower moistened by refreshing
dews, and her bright and troubled eyes
scanned them with ardent but varying
glances. Suddenly light like the
J sun flashed out from the Heavens and
Faith and Hope hailed with exciting
=, ongs, the ascending star of Bethle-
I hm. Years rolled away, and stran-
\ gr was seen at Jerusalem. He was
: , mex u1assuming man, whose happi-
nes seemed to consist in acts of benev'
ole1e to he human race. There were
$ deel traces of sorrow on his counter,
d ance, though no one knew why be
n grieved, for he lived in the practice OF
: every virtue and was loved by all the
: good andwise.
v By andby it was rumored that the
S stranger worked miracles, that the
! blind say, the dumb spoke and the
s dead aroe, the ocean moderated Its
chafng tile, the very thunder articu
lated. HI was the son of God. EnV.
ass&led Him to death.
d Thickll guarded he slowly ascende(
n the Hill IF Calvary. A heavy eros
+ bent him to the earth. But Faitl
e leaned onHis arm, and Hope dippin
g her pinious in His blood, mounted t
f. the skies.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-11-15
Baby,s Reply.

Only a babyl
What shall I be !?
Lots o. big folks
Been little like me.
Amt dot any hairl
'Es I have, too,
S,pos'n n I hadn't
Dess it TODD grow.
Not any teeth
Wouldn't have one; 4
Don't dit my dinner
Gnawin' q bone.
What am / here for2
ATS pretty mean;
Who's dot a better right,
'Tever you've seen2
What'm / dood for,
Did you say
Eber SO many tings,
Ebery day.
'Tourse / squaH sometimes,
Sometimes | bawl;
Zey dassant spant me
'Taus Pm so small.
Only a baby
'Es, sir, 'at's SO;
IN if you only could
You'd be one, too.
ATS all I've to say;
You're most too old /;
Dess I'll dit inte bed,
Toes dittin' told.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-11-15

"Stopw exclaimed the Quaker, in a
tone more of command than request.
'SStop! What for?1 returned the
other in evident surprise.
"F'or at least to reason, was the re-
ply, emphasized with a couple of der
ringers, cooked and presented.
'sHelpp' shouted the robber.
''Stopr the Quaker exclaimed, 1sand
If any one of your sinful companions
advance step to thy relief, the spirit
will surely move me to blow thy brains
|out.o
The robber at the opposite window
and the one at The leaders head,
Thought it a good time to leave.
"Now, get in, friend said the Qua
ker, still covering his man, ssand take
the middle sea-, but first deliver up
thy pistol"
The other hesitated.
s'Thee had better not DELAY; I feel
the spirit begin to move my forefnger. =
The robber did as he was directed,
and the Quaker took his place by his
|side, giving the newcomer the middle
of the seat. The driver, who was half
frightened. ont-ef his wits, now set for
ward at a rapid rate. The lively gem
tleman soon recovered his vigacifg.-
He was especially facetious on The
quaker 5 prewess.
- ou're a rum Quaker, you are
Why, you don't quake worth cent?
"Pm not a Shaking Quaker, if that's
what you mean.
"Of the Hickory, or rather of the
Fold Hiekory's' stripe 4 should say"
lretorted the lively man. But the Qua
ker. relapsing into his usual monosyl-
tables, the conversation tagged. Soon
Ter than we expected the coach stopped
where we were to. have supper and a
change of horses. u We had deferred a
redistribution of our effects until we
should reach the place, as the dim light
of the coach lamp would have render
| ed the process somewhat difficult. 1t
was now necessary, however, that it
should be attended to at once, as our
ljovial companion had previously an
nounced his intention of leaving us at
this point. He proposed a postpone
ment until after supper, which he Of
fered to go and order.
..Nay,w urged the Quaker, with an
lapproach to abruptness, and laying his
hand on the others arm sehI1.s::.aonc ha.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-11-15
- g " a 2, e111N1 1Jt Ottnl
o time like the present"

- Il
no time like the present"
"Will thee be good enough to search
the prisoner~ he said to me, still keep
ing his hand, in a friendly way, upon
the passengers arm. I did so, but not
one of the stolen articles could be found.
'He must have got rid of them in the
coach" the gay gentleman suggested,
and Immediately offered to go in search.
'Stop! thundered the Quaker, tight
ening his grasp. The man turned pale
and struggled to release his arm. In
an instant one of the Derringers was
leveled at his heart.
"Stir hand or foot and you are a
dead man!'
The Quaker must have been awfuIly
excited so completely to forget both
the language and the princip Piles of his
persuasion. Finding the other pistol
in my hand with directions to fire at
either Of the two men that made sus-
'picious movement, he went to work on
the Lothario, from whose pockets. in
less time than it takes to tell it, he
produced every item o. missing
property, to the utter lllkazement of
the two ladies,~who had begun, in no
measured terms, to demonstrate against
theshameful treatment the gentleman
was receiving:
The Quaker, | need scarcely add, was
no Quaker at all, but shrewd detec-
tive, who had been set on the track of
a band of desperadoes, of whom our
middle-aged friend-who didn't look
near so middle-aged when his wig was
of-was the chief. The robbery had
been adroitly planned. The leader of
the gang had taken passage in the
coach, and after learning, as he sup
posed, our defenseless condition, had
given the signal to his companions by
throwing out the scraps of paper already
mentioned. After the unexpected cap
ture Of the first robber, it was attempt
ed to save the booty by secretly passing
it to an accomplice, still believed to be
unsuspected, who counted on being a.
BILE to make off with it at the next stop
ping place. The result was that both,
for season, "did the State some ser.
vice."
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-11-15
Five. Minutes Chat With Girles.


The preacher will assure you, says
Dio Lewis, that love to your God and
to your fellow-rhan is all there is of it.
And yet he goes on preaching and ex-
horting all his life.
So [ assure you that the laws of
health are few and simple, and yet l
have gone on preaching and exhorting
for thirty years, and shall keep it up
as long as [ live.
Girls, the great obstacle in the way
Of your health and happiness is what
we have been talking about all our
lives-viz., slavery to custom or fash
ion. To illustrate it for the thousandth
time, | will relate fact.
Years ago sailed from New York
on board the staunch old Cunarder
Africa, bound for Liverpool. Among
our passengers were some newly-mar-
ried couples. One of them was from
Philadelphia. The bride was deli
cate and beautiful girl.
Ny state-room joined theirs. We
were scarcely out of the harbor before
the lady began to vomit. During the
entire voyage her suferings were dread
fali-s J.I.Sle Sims 1shusic cian=really be-
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-11-15

caIIe alsssSaed. "a 1rieHo Ese5Ssrc,,
call me Boctor in the presepes Yg
young htsband, when ne eageris1an-
quired.
e 1Are Are, yol physician
L said ''yes." -
"Do coms and SO my wife, and for
mercy's sake t. and save her."
We did everything in our power, but
the sensitive brain would not be ap-
peased and the retching and faintlng
continued until she was carried out OF
the ship at Liverpool, more dead than
alive.
Two mopGhs after our landing I
heard this/beautiful, brilliant young
woman describing to a group of admir-
| ing friends, in a Partisan hotel, the
spIe1dors of sea-voyage.
| <Oh, it is magnificent the sea in a
kstorm-the wild mountain waves crest
ed everywhere with foam! Oh, the sea
in a storm is perfectly glorioRs J?
The poor child had beard fash1ona-
BILE people make such exclamatlons' as
she had seen them wear absurd dress
as she had heard them talk absurd non
sense: as she had seen them walk and
wiggle and gigglein an unnatural and
ridiculous manner. She like too many
oirls. had aspirations for recognition
among the fashionable. 80, from he1
close little stste-room, lying fiat on
her back. rstching and vomiting, faint.
mo and dying, she saw the ''magnif'
cen cent. glorious, foam-caPped waves
All. girls, if you only could rise a
bova s,ch weakness, if you could onl,
think % and feel, dress and walk, spea,
and act, for yourselves What an III! u
mel mense gain in all ways HOW muc
i YOU yc could help us in higher LIE
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-11-15
A Beautiful Extract.

It was night, Jerusalem slept as qui-
city amid her hills us child on the
breast Of its mother. The noiseless
sentinel stood like a statue at his post,
and the philosophers lamp burned
dimly in the recess of his chamber.
But moral darkness involved the ma
ton in its unenlightened shadows.
Reasons shed faint glimmering over
the minds of men like the cold and
insufficient shining of distant star.
The Immortality of mans spiritual ma
tuae was unknown, his relation to
Heaven undiscovered, and his future
destiny obscured in a cloud of mystery.
1t was at this period that two forms
of ethereal mould hovered about the
land of Gods chosen people. They
came like sister angles, sent to earth
on some embassy of love. The one of
majestic stature and well formed limb
Il e,. G1rz1
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-11-15
The Soul of Boys.

One boy only was lostby death while
we were at the school and yet, mixed
with this dawnfash of animal spirits.
behind these bounding pulses, unspo.
ken of, terrible, were working outward
the religious and immortal germs with
in. Many a journal, blotted by tears,
betrayed the heart agsny, the aspira-
ton and the longing, which none sus-
|pected. The fearful ers sis of fsoul-birth.
when each one fnds'dese seloping for him
self at the roots Of his being, that nys-
tlcal function, rudimG atary for anofh-
er world, and mostly l.reaying and ali
enated witness of the spqperfections of
this, should Noble ssssoticed in the
boys story. Aneea s,suld be told
of tenderness of conss ,f a;gb 80 Saf
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-11-15

ously inquired.
'Or have they contented themselves
with-with plundering ?" added the
younger in timorous voice.
Decidedly the latter" the amiable
gentleman hastened to give assurance
"and We are none of us prepared to of.
fer resistance in case of attack, so moth.
ing worse than robbery can possibly
befall u.s."
Then, after blaming his thoughtless.
ness in having unnecessarily introduc.
ed disagreeable subject, the gentle.
man quite excelled himself in efforts
to raise the spirits of the company, and
had succeeded so we'll by the timenight
had set in that all had quite forgotten
or only remembered their fears to laugh
at them. Our genial companion fairly
talked himself hoarse. Perceiving
which, he took from his pocket box
OF newly ''invented cough candy" and
after passing it to the ladies, he helped
himself to the balance and tossed the
paper out Of the window. He was in
the midst of high enconium on the
new nostrum, more than half the eff
cacy Of which, he insisted, depended
on its being taken by suction, when a
shrill whistle was heard, and almost
Immediately the coach stopped, while
two faces, hideously blackened, pre-
sented themselves, one at each window.
''Sorry to trouble you," said the man
on the right, acknowledging with a
bow two lady-lke screams from the
back seat, "but business is business,
and ours will soon be over if things GO
smoothly"
"Of course, gentlemen, you will
spare, as far as may be consistent with
your disagreeable duty, the feelings OF
these ladies" appealed the polite pas
senger in his blandest manner.
"Oh, certainly, they Shall be first at
tended to, and shall not be required tc
leave their places, unless their conduct
renders it necessary
''And now, ladies'" continued the
robber, the barrel of his pistol glitter.
ing in the light Of the coach lamp, "be
SO good as to pass your purses, watches
and such other trlnkets as may be &C
cessible without too much trouble"
The ladies came down handsomely
and were no further molested. On,
by one the rest got out. The middle
aged gentleman's turn came first. HI
submitted with winning grace, ant
was robbed like a very Chesterfield
My own affairs, like the sum lost, ar
scarcely worth mentioning.
The Quaker's turn came next. I'll
quietly handed over his pocket boo
and watch, and when asked if he hat
any other valuables, said 'snay."
Quaker's word is good even amonI
thieves so, after hasty "good night,
the robber thrust his pistol into hi
pocket, and with his two companions
one of whom held the reins of the lead
, ers, was about starting.
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-11-15
9lo2rg
ONLY A BABY.
TO a Little One just Week Old.

- ~AcO - ~ SSAA OASA
Only a baby
'Thout any hair
Cept just a little
uz here and there.
Only a baby,
Name you have none
Barefooted and dimpled,
Sweet little one.
Only a baby,
! Teeth none at all;
What are you good for,
Only to squall?
Only a baby,
just a week old
What are you here for,
You little scold 2
Port Tobacco times, and Charles County advertiser. (Port Tobacco, Md.) 1845-1898, 1872-11-15
GIN 1uteresting Story.
QUAKER DETECTIVE.

I'VE were five passengers in all; two
ladies on the back seat, and a middle
aged gentleman and Quaker on the
middle, and myself on the front. The
two ladies might have been mother and
daughter, aunt and niece, governess
and charge, or might have sustained
any other relationship which made it
proper for two ladies to travel togeth-
er unattended. The middle-aged GEN
tleman was sprightly and talkative.-
He soon struck up an acquaintance
with the ladies, toward whom in his
zeal to do, he rather overdid the agree
able-boWing, and smiling, and chat
ting over his shoulder in a way pain
fully suggestive at his time of life, of
a"crick in his back. He was evident
ly gay Lothario. The Quaker wore
the uniform of his. sect, and confined
his speech, as many parliamentarian
would save his credit by doing, to SIM
ply ssyeas" and ssnays." Asfor myself.
make it an invariable rule of the road
to be merely a looker-on and listener.
Toward evening I was aroused from
one of those reVeries, into. which a
young man, without being poet.of
lover, will sometimes fall, by an abrupt
query from the talkative gentleman.
care you armed, sir pa {.
81 am not" I answered, astonished,
no doubt, visibly at the question.
81 am sorry to hear il, he replied
for before reaching our next stopping
place it will be several hours in the
night, and we must pass over a portion
of the road on which more than one
robbery is reported to have been com
mitted."
The ladies turned pale, but the stran-
ger did his best to reassure them.
"Not that / think there is the slight
est danger at present" he resumed
'tonly when one is responsible for the
safety of the ladies, you know, such q
thing as pistol in reach would add
materially to ones confidence"
"Your principles, my friend" adj
dressing the Quaker, '1 presume, are
as much opposed to carrying as using
carnal weapons.
4
The state rights democrat. [volume] (Albany, Linn County, Oregon) 1865-1900, 1872-05-31

WASN'T PosTED.-In his late
speech, at the Court House, Judge
Boise said the site of the Locks, be-
fore their commencement was not
worth $4,000. but that now it was
worth 100000. That legislative nc
ton bad given princely fortunes to the
stock holders in that enterprise. He
certainly had not read the Oregonian
of a day or two previous, which claim.
ed that the Locks enterprise was "an
elephant" and that Holiday did not
want it. neither could it be forced upon
him. There is a lie out here One.
where The Oregonian made the
somersault, and Boise had not been
posted as to the ''change of base
The assertion that Ben Holiday was
offered the franchise of the Locks and
canal is a base, unqualified falsehood
The state rights democrat. [volume] (Albany, Linn County, Oregon) 1865-1900, 1872-05-31
CrrrzENs.-Following is the text of

CITIzENs.-Following is the text of
the proviso attached to the Deicien-
cy Bill which passed Congress on the
18th: "That all persons born IN the
district of country formerly known as
the Territory of Oregon, and subject
to the jurisdiction of the United
States at this time, are citizens of the
United States in the same manner as
if born elsewhere in the United
States" This makes all half-breeds
born in the Territory of Oregon, be-
fore the treaty of 1916, citizens and
voters of Oregon. For this piece OF
humanity we are indebted to a Radi-
cal Congress.