The Manitowoc tribune. [volume] (Manitowoc, Wis.) 1866-1878, 1872-07-18
THE CONQUEST OF AMERICA
Supposed to be Related in 1892.

WV
American Union, and the capture of the
country by its present European rulers,
and to say something. also, oil the causes
which led to these deplorable results.
undertake the task with heavy heart, for,
whenever [ revert to that terrible time, |
cannot help contrasting our proud condi
ton up to that fatal year with the humil
iating position occupied now blythe Amcri
can people. The story is short one. In
the fall of 1872 Horace Greeley. the edi
tor of a newspaper in New York, was
elected President of the United States.-
The people voted for him because they
believed him to be an honest man. But
he was vain and weak, and he entertained
certain fanatical and preposterous
notions-about agricultural matters.
for instance, which he was determined to
force upon the people at all hazards and
despite all opposition. He believed,
among other things, that every man
ought to go to the West to earn his bread.
he used to advise everybody to move to
that region as cure for all the disasters
which could befall the human family.
As soon as he reached the executive
mansion, which we used to call the White
House, President Greeley organized an
army of two hundred thousand men, and
proceeded to force the entire population
of the seaboard States westward at the
point of tho bayonet. The utmost vio-
lence was useu. Those who resisted were
shot down, and their dead bodies were
carted of to national factory which the
President had established for making
some kind of fertilizer. All the large
cities of the East were depopulated, and
towns were entirely empty. The army
swept before it millions of men, women
and children, until the vast plains west Of
Kansas were reached, when the pursuit
ceased, and the army was drawn up in
continuous line, with orders to shoot any
person who attem pied to visit the East
Of course hundreds of thousands of these
poor creatures persisted from starvation.
This seemed to frighten President Gree
| ley, and he sent message to Congress
recommending that seven hundred thou
sand volumes Of comic book of his, en-
titled What I Know About Farming"
should be voted for the relief of the starv-
ing sufferers. This was done, and farm
ing implements and seeds were supplied,
| and then the millions of wretched out
casts made an effort to till the ground.
Of the result of this 1 will speak farther
on.
In the mean time the President was
doing infinite harm to the country in an
other way. His handwriting was so fear
fully and wonderfully bad that no living
man could read it. And so when he sent
his first annual message to Congress-the
document was devoted wholly to the tar
if and agriculture-a sentence appeared
which subsequently was ascertained to be,
Large cultivation of ruta-b agas and
beans is the only hope of the nation, I
am sure. The printers, not being able
to interpret this, put it in the following
form, in which it went forth TO the world:
1.-The Gar of Russia couldn't keep clean
if he washed himself with the whole At
lantic Ocean once day - This perver-
sion of the message was Immediately te!e-
graphed to Russia by the Russian minis
ter. and the Car was so Indignant that
he instantly declared war.
Just at this time President Greeley I'M
eertook to write some letters to Prince
Bismarck upon the subject of potatorot,
and, after giving his singular views at
great length, he concluded with the state.
ment that if the Emperor William said
that subsoil ploughing was not good in
light soils, or that guano was better than
boue-dust, he was "a liar, a villain, and
slave !"
Of course the emperor also immediate.
ly declared war, and became an ally of
Russia and of England. against which lat
ter country Mr.. Greeley had actually be-
gun hostiities already, because the Queen,
in her speech from the throne, had de-
clared the Tribune's advocacy of tariff
on pig-iron incendiary and calculated to
disturb the peace of nations.
Unhappily, this was not the full meas
ure of our disasters. The President had
sent to the Emperor of Austria copy of
his book, What [ know" etc., with his
autograph upon fy-leaf. The En- peror
mlstook the signature for a carcature of
the Austrian eagle. and he readily Joined
In the war against the United States
while France was provoked to the same
act by the fact that when the French min
lister called on Mr.. Greeley to present his
credentials. the President, who was writ
ing an editorial at the time, not compre-
hending the French language, mistook the
ambassador for beggar, and without
LOOKING up. banded him a quarter and an
order tor a clean shirt, and a grubbins-
hoe, and said to him, go West, young
mango West '
So all these nations joined in making
war upon the United States. They swoop-
ed down upon our coasts and landed with
out opposition, for those exposed portions
OF our unhappy country were absolutely
deserted. The President was afraid to
call away the army from Kansas at first.
for fear the outraged people upon the
plains would come East in spite of him.