Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1872-08-01
Varieties.

Varieties. .-~
FLASH language-Telegrams
ScorLAND's brightest light-Burns.
IRoNY-To ask a hardware merchant
| the price of cast-steel soap.
WHAT is the most dangerous kind of
an of assassin? A man who takes life
cheerfully. 3-ee,l
KILLING Indians in some parts of the
| West is considered justifable Sioux
| icide.
A SECRET has been defined as ".any-
thing made known to everybody ina
| whisper"
A MAN up in New Hampshire named
his two children Ebenezer and Flora;
he always speaks of them as Eb and
Flo-very tidy nicknames. 10 7hHe' 4
A FOREIGN medical journal remarks
| that the most warlike nation in modern
times is vaccination, because it is al
ways in arms. J5 Ha1f g
| A MINISTER who thought that report,
ing sermons was all vanity, afteIward
concluded that, if the thing must be
done, it should be well, done, and slip
ped a ereenback into the reporters
hand, saying, Do not condense me-"
| A HUMAN LIFE PREsERvER.-"Y You
saved my life at the battle of Malvern
| I1ltlJ odL0 OCSEdl W OsHO'AAs
"Saved your life Howl" served
under you, and when you ran way I n
| foIIowed."
@WHERE are you going SO fast, Mr..
Smith ?'' demanded Mr.. Jones. Home.
sir, home; don't detain me; l have
| Just bought my wife new bonnet, and
1 must deliver it before the fashion
changes"
WHY is a baby like a sheaf of wheat?
Because it is first Graded, and then
thrashed, and finally becomes the flow
er of the family.
A RETURNED Australian found the
baby he left at home miss of five sum-
mers. One day he offended her, and
she fretfully exclaimed, wish you
had never married into our family"
THE following composition has been
turned out by an American scholar,
father is a norphan, without mother a
double norphan, but is oftenist without
grandfather or GRANDMOTHER, and then
he is a norphanist."
"I AM afraid, Madam, that pepper is
half peas," said boarder to his land
lady, as he replaced the pepper-box in
the castor. The landlady Indignantly
denied the imputation, and said he
didn't know good pepper from poor.
s That may be So" replied the boarder,
"but III prove to you that what said
letters in the word, and half of them
are p's p .f ff5
A FATHER was winding his watch when
he said playfully to his little girl:
" Let me wind up your nose" No."
said the child, " don't want my nose
wound up, for don't want it to run
all day." ~ -aHa 1ad3 LrA--zas
AT a recent examination the question
was asked why the children of Israel
made golden calf and worshiped it af
ter they had been forbidden such idola-
1 try by Moses. A precocious little fell
low sharply answered, " Because they
had not enough of gold to make bull
with" The laughter which followed
put a stop to the examination for that
day. sf1v -r-e MSS
The newest charm is in the form of a
compass, and about the size of a cent.
The oldest charm is in the form of an
encompass, and about the signs of
assent.
A MAN in Jefferson City, Mo-, who had
stolen a kiss from a schoolgirl, was
fined by a magistrate, horse-whipped
by the big brother, and scratched bald
headed by his own wife. soe,.s
A cLERGYMAN in a Lawrence church,
on a recent occasion, discovered, after
commencing she service, that, he had
forgotten his notes. AS it was too late
to send for them, he said to his audi
ence, by the way of apology, that this
morning he should have to depend
upon the Lord for what he might say,
but in the afternoon heWould come bat
ter prepared. .s
A NUMBER of bones of an immense
size have been discovered three miles
north of Rio Vista, Cal. They were
found in an adobe formation under
meath a stratum of rock four feet thick.
One of the vertebre of the neck Is "A
inches in circumference. "A tooth weighs
} 104 pounds, its grinding surface being
IOx4 inches, and its circumference 20
; inches.
A oNE-LEGGED Welsh orator, named
!, Jones, was pretty successful IN banter
ing an Irishman, when the latter ask
your leg?" WE'LL" said Jones, " on
examining my pedigree, and looking up
? my descent, L found there was some
Irish blood in me, and becoming con-
: vinced that it was settled in that left
y leg, l had it cut off at once" /" Be the
powers" said Pat, " it would have been
tied in your head"
J., WHEN old Carlo sits by Sally's chair,
OIL don't wish that was there
r When her fairy fingers pat his headi:
s Oh! don't wish twas me instead
When Sally s arms his neck imprisOnl
Oil don't wish my neck was his'n!-
When Sally kisses Carlos nose.
| Oh don't wish that l were thoseI