New Orleans Republican. [volume] (New Orleans, La) 1867-1878, 1872-02-28
The BoOk.Agent,s Fate.

They found two nailkegs full of minced
woman down at the depot the other day.
They thought it was chopped meat for
mince-pie at first, but when they found
some hair.pins and a garter mixed up in 1t;
the truth sort of dawned on them. And
when they tished out tongue that would
not keep still, you understand. they caught
the idea with great facility.
l can tell you about the thing. because,
you see, did the mincing up OF the lady
myself / got her into mincing sort OF way
that she'll never get out OF as long as sne
lives. You can bet the maximum of height
with the minimum of safety on that point
This is the way the thing happened
l was picking my teeth on the flith ave
dinner over in Third avenue, as is my Gus
tom of an afternoon. There came by
rakish craft. She scudded along under a
closely reefed hustle and tOlerably bare
poles The wind was mormon -wester,
and it struck her aft making fearful havoc
with her canvas. She wore the new style
of metal carriers, with gilt clasps. l will
take my oath, you observe, Of that. She
signaled me with her Off eye, and / bore
about seven words, when she interrupted
me by yanking a big book out of her hustle,
or somewhere. Here is something" she
warbled, (which I'd like to show you. 1t
is called the History of Christianity in the
Feejee Islands,, by the Rev. Peter Portidge.
1t is illustrated by ten thousand pictures,
Just engraved by the old masters, and
bound with calfskin. II is the greatest
work ever written. You can't afford 70 be
without it. Children cry for it. The price
is only seven dollars will put your name
down and"-
"False woman :" shrieked, "away You
have deceived poor, weak, trusting man.
You are book agent. Beware, woman !.
Although unmarried. will defend myself
to the death
Then l fled.
But the creature, you comprehend, was
like the itch, or bad conscience, or wash
woman's bill-not to be so easily got rid OF.
She logged my footsteps like divorce de-
tective. She lowered over me like an
ayenging spirit She land for me when l
went to my meals, interviewed me at my
office, and bored me at every point. Life
seemed a burden. and would have hydrate-
ofchlorated myself, only knew that mis-
guided woman would have followed me into
eternity, and have commenced to canvass
the land of eternal warmth for her blasted
book. | know some good fellows in the
summer land. and l wouldn't like, you un-
derstand, to precipitate horrible tate upon
them.
/ disguised myself as hackman, as an
organ grinder, as minister-put myself in
the most humiliating positions, you OBJ
serye-but it wasn't any use. Be sure that
female wickedness found me out. At last
l meandered down by the sad sea waves.
and was happy for time. Days sped by
at fifteen or twenty dollars each-and I
was beginning to forget the book agent.
One evening l wandered on the sanded
beach in the mellow moonlight. | suppose
that is the correct Long Branch thing to
do. l met lovely creature in white tulle,
or cotton sheeting, or something. l took
her for moOnbeam first, YOU comprehend.
and nv heart bumped with admiration. l
tlirted with the ethereal heiter, and we sat
on a damp rock very close together. My
arm got around her waist, and we were
having nice comfortable time. You pos
sibly know how it is yourself.
Fair stranger" murmured, ''dost love
thus to squat on the prImeval rock, and
commune with natuure!'
She said she did.
"Couldst thou leave the allurements OF
art, and live always amid the flowers and
trees of the moOnbeams!'
She said she could.
why so SILENT" I asked, softly pressing
her hand. .'Dost aught disturb the har
mony of thy souls anything but admira
ton for this scene in thy heart"
She said there was.
Here is something" she broke out. pull
ing out a ten-pound volume from some
where, THAT I'd like to show yOu. 1t is
called the History of Christianity in the"
| recognized her She was that Internal
book agent. l drew mv trusty jack-knife
and smote her thus! Then l elahorately
carved her. packed her as described, and
now there is an eternal peace within my
soul,