The Fremont weekly journal. [volume] (Fremont, Sandusky County, Ohio) 1867-1877, 1872-09-20

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already too much used-common as
larsenic, which latter is essentially
only a rat-fattener. These won't
do. A fastidious public demand
something fresher and more original.
We have it. One bushel of rich,
tender, juicy potato bugs, properly
reduced and the essence carefully
extracted would, by judicious sppli-
cation, leave a Democratic mQjority
IN any one Of the Radical States.
We dote on potato bug juice. Ever
since an amiable Michigan wife put
it in her Radical husbands tea, with
fatal success, we have entertained a
profound respect for it. To be sure,
put pint of it in his jug; shake
well; half a glass every ten minutes.
Drop it in his tea; soak his cigars in
it; put it on for hair oil; fry his steak
in it; mix it in his flour; paste it on
his bread; poultice his nose with it.
This would make Jeremiah Presi-
dent. Put it in his'n; same direc-
tons. This would persuade the
President Of the Senate to become
his successor. Put it in his'n. This
would crafty the ambition of the
Chief Justice of the Supreme Court,
who would become President pro
tempore. His name is Chase. Chase
him around with it. Things, by
this time, thanks to science, would
thus be approaching an exceedingly
fine point. And the real credit of
the whole matter would be justly due
TO that now unfranchised and des-
pissed, but useful American citizen.
Potato Bug.
Therefore, we urge all patriotic
potato-cultivators to be kind toward,
and mindful of, their bugs. Let them
frolic and multiply unannoyed by
impencunious impertinence, in every
potato patch. Many tons of them
may yet be necessary to. render our
success satisfactory, the mourning
goods business profitable, and oul
country and undertakers happy
And, should the contingency, now
deemed almost impossible, ever come
then let every Conservative become
a gift-maker. Let each present be
IN the shape of a jug.
But these remarks have SO fal
been rather in commendation of oul
prospective ally, the potato bug. We
do not, however, wish to be invidious
at the expense of other equally neal
and unique methods. For instance
Science has wooed from slumberine
elements certain subtle vapor, which
is possessed of a blood-freezine
charm, that well-nigh makes a lidlesi
eye wink and blink at the horrid
novelty. The process of communi
cation is on the literary order. Tht
administrator with the will at
tached) writes a jocuIar, bull pup
letter to the object of his alteration
in which he agrees to convey certain
Long Branch cottages, Chicago lots
st. Louis real estate, Emma Min,
lstock, Butterfeld checks, or simila
trifing mementoes, on condition o
receiving a named fat sinecure in re
turn. When he is about to close VI
the envelop, the letter is quickly i'm
mersed in the mysterious, subtle, un
seen, but aromic vapor bath. 1t il
speedily sealed. 1t glides through F.,
hundred hands, and at last falls
under the eye Of the great offlce-dis
lpenser and place broker. One i'm
Iportant word is obscure. It il
brought closer to the inquiring ey,
of the king Tumblebug. The nostri
takes up the eternal-sIeep-producins
scent, and the reader suddenly drop
in sweet slumber that lasts abou
sixty million "tlme, time and half
times" The laundering telegraph
Immediately announces the astound
ing intelligence that the President
Of the You-and-I-tied States i:
dead II drunk.
But, if the frequency of this appli
cation of principle to matter should
threaten to become monotonous, ,
Epleasing variety may occasionally b,
Igiven. A prominent gentleman a
Washington who reads theCaucasiar
is passionately fond of the fragrant
Imundungus. Make him beautitu
one. Let it be nine feet long, by two
around the waist. Cover it hand
somely with the choicest Havana
Heat, but first fill it's innards with 5O(
pounds of nitroglycerine. Go anC
see him; tell him how much time
trouble and expense it took to make
lit. Carry it in on your shoulder
Stick one end of it in his mouth, lay
the other on the back of chair anC
touch it off with a discharge of ar
tillery. Shake hands with hin
lquickly, and depart at a two-forty
gait. By the time you get to thu
front door, where the old Porter anC
Dent sit smoking their cob-pipes, thu
roof the building will go waltzinl
off, and there will be an old maj
shedding tears and groaning in tht
Covington post-office.
And thus endeth the second lesson