Eaton weekly Democrat. [volume] (Eaton, Ohio) 1866-1875, 1872-09-05
Varieties.

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ALWAYS hard pressed-Bricks.
SINGLE MINDED people-Bachelors
A SMART TuING-A mustard plaster.
For whitewashing the hands-Hon-
esty.
A MOVEMENT in real estate-Earth-
quakes.
A MAN of low extraction-A cheap
dentist.
If seven days make one week, how
many will make one strong?
WHEN is money damp? When it is
de,o in the morning and mist at night.
COMMANDMENTS who ex
anime the whole of the stock and buy
nothing.
The preacher who boasted that he
could preach without notes didn't mean
bank notes.
A LITTLE girl being asked what dust
was, replied that 1T was mud with the
juice squeezed out"
"Have you much fish in your bag ?"
asked a person of fisherman. Yes,
I've a good eel in it.
CAN a man who has been fined by the
cred refined man?
How TO dress beets-A horsewhip is a
good thing to dress beets with, espe-
cially if it be dead beat.
"PATIENcE on a monument" has no
reference to doctors patients. You
will find them under a monument.
One Missouri editor says of another,
that "his ears would do for awnings to
ten-story wholesale hog-packing estab-
lishment."
SUCCESS in life is very apt to make US
forget the time when we weren't much.
1t is just so with frog on a jump; he
can't remember when he was a tadpole,
but other folks can.
AN old maid suggests that when men
break their hearts it is all the same as
when a lobster breaks one of its claws
another sprouts Immediately and
grows in its place.
AN Irish advertisement: off the
gentleman who keeps shoe-store with
a red head, will return the umbrella of
a young lady with the ivory handle, he
will hear something to her advantage"
A CELEBRATED poet at one time adver-
tised that he would supply "Lines for
any occasion" A fisherman sought
him, shortly afterwards, and wanted a
line strong enough to catch porpoise.
MONTANA grasshoppers are more raw
enous than usual this season. They
eat wagon tires, and have been known
to tickle mule in the ribs uEti. ne
kicked, and devour his shoes while his
feet were in the air.
THE Louisville Courier. Journal says
that Judge Davis is the proprietor of a
smile that would make Celfax turn
green with Jealousy. 1t commences
in the center and spreads all over his
face like a batter-cake."
The New York Suns John " reports
the following conversation between
himself and noble Briton: Says |,
Where are you going?" Says he, "To
hide hoe" Says L, "What are you
going to hide hoe for ?'' Saws he, 81
didn't say hide a hoe, l said hide
al. I.d.ah-o.' "Ohl' says l. "Idaho.''
eyes," says he, Hide a hoe"
A CoLoRED man was once asked why
he did not get married. Why, you
see, sah," said he, ~ got an old mud
der, and 1 hab to do fur her, you see,
sab, an eff l didn't buy her shoes an
stockin's she wouldn't get none. Now,
eff 1 was to get married, I'd have to buy
dem tings for my wife, and dat 'ud be
taking the shoes IAN stockings right out
er my old mudder's mouth"
DURING the late civil war some chill
dren were talking of their fathers and
brothers who had been captured as
prisoners of war. Many tales of forts
and camps were told, the speakers evil
IDENTIFY priding themselves very much
on the sufferings of their relatives,
when little fellow who had been silent
now spoke up: "That's nutbin," said
he, give got an uncle in prison, too,
and he ain'L neve been to war, nuther."
"WHAT nuisance" exclaimed a
gentleman at a concert, as IL young Top
IN front of him kept talking in a loud
voice to lady at his side. Did you
refer to me, sir?" threateningly de-
manded the fop. "Oh, no; l meant
the musicians there, who keep up such
a noise with their instruments that l
can't hear your conversation" was the
singing reply.
JENNY LIND, Clara Louise Kellogg,
Nilsson, Lucca, Patti, and Parepa, all
on the same evening, in London, wit
messed Tietjens' performance in Cheru-
bini's "Deux Journees." This may
well be termed an array of world re-
nowned musical talent.
JOHN VAN WINKLE, lineal descend
ant of him of the "village of Falling
Waters. lives in Memphis, Tenn.