The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-12-20
RATES OF ADVERTISING.
Humorous.
1t has been demonstrated In New
York that plate glass windows are
Intellectual in stopping runaway oxen.

York that plate glass windows are
Intellectual In stopping runaway oxen.
IL is said there are two reasons why
some people do not mind their own
business. One is that they have no bus
iness, and the other Is that they have
no mind.
Indiana Is excited over the birth of =
pig with a countenance rs much like
Christian as any other inhabitant of the
town in which its parents live.
A Buffalo paper announces that by
the recent burning ofan iceh0use there
10000 tons of ice were "reduced to
ashes"
The latest definition OF Il gentleman
is "a man who can put on clean collar
without being conspicuous"
An amateur editor inIndianapolis has
made fortune by his pen. His father
died of grief after reading one of his
editorials, and left him $4,000.
A county paper speaks of an "aged
lady of sixty.f1ve." The place Is so
healthy that all of the other sixty. .fivers
are young ladies.
The beautiful snow, after being a few
hours on the streets of Pittsburg, looks,
as If its original color might be obtained
by good coat of whltewash.
What is the difference between a
crushed hat and the Intoxicated son OF
wealthy parents? One is cylinder
stove and the other is an heirtight.
An original Pennsylvania editor
comes out fairly and squarely. He calls
his paper "Au airy old sheet, devoted
to wind, whisky, wickedness and other
religious matters. Vox Populus, Vox
Belzebub."
The editor Of a Western paper writes:
my wife and have separated. AS we
both wanted to be boss, and as she was
likely to beat me, left her. She says
she will nail me yet, and / beievo
her."
A young lady of this city has just
sent to Europe an order for fifty yards
of Brussels carpet, twenty-five feet
wide. She is going to work pair OF
slippers for the editor of the st. Louis
Globe.
An Irishman, describing the growth
ofpotatoes in his native island, said, as
clincher, "ADd sure bu5hel Of them
will fll barrel"
A young man who went West from
Danbury few months ago, has sent
only one letter home. 1t came on Fri
| day. 1t said: "Send me wig" And
his fond parents don't. know whether he
| is scalped or married.
A Mrs. Day, of Springfield, Ill. lately
gave birth to quadruplets, weighed ten
pounds each in their stocking feet. The
bereaved father says Shakespeare was
quite right when he said we do not
know "what day may bring forth"
| Mary had little lamb,
She asked a man to shoot it,
And when he went to kill that lamb,
| 1t had the epizootic.
| The following questions are proposed
for discussion in debating society:
"How many is five? and why? "What
is ducks9 and how?" SIS it or is it
| not? and whence"
In country churchyard we find this
| epitaph "Here lies the body OF John
Robinson, and Ruth his wife," and un.
derneath, this text: "their warfare is
accomplished ~
The famine.stricken editor Of the ri
tusville Press tearfully remarks: "2j
cents each is the price asked for Cali
fornia pears in town, and yet we are
told that civilization advances, and that
Providence tempers the shorn lamb
who cannot raise the wind"
The st. Louis Globe says: The lazy
man of this establishment snores &C.
casionally. He took nap in the press
room, day before yesterday, and the
neighbors rushed in to know why the
press was working on Sunday.
A Savannah gentleman, haYing set
steei-trap to discover what became OF
his chickens, found his mother-in law
grievously lacerated next morning..
Since then the demand for steel-traps is
said to be something unprecedented i'll
the hardware trade OF Georgia.
The Courier Journal is hard on Sus m
when it says: "We shall never kuO~
the age of Niagara Falls, because Susan
b. Anthony is the only person now liv'
ing who was alive when the Falls were
, bui t, and she has forgotten the datr.'
An Illinois woman went into the riv-
er on suicide intent, the other day 4
} lot OF sordid boys on the bank talew
mud at her. Old Acam rose IN her des-
, pairing bosom. She Waded ashore, had
the boys arrested, and will see them
: put through before she tries suicide
again.
An inebriated stranger pIe,ipltated
! himself down the depot stairs, and, on
striking the landing, reproachfuily
n
been a wantiu to come down stairs,
why'n thunder didn't you say so, You
wooden headed old fool, an I'd come
with you an, showed you the way -
}. Danjury Nel5s.
e A man at the Clarified fair as5er, si
D that he had vines which in an ordinary
o season produced grapes so large that the
Z skins were turned to account by cutting
y them in two and covering old umbrel-
las, and just because he hadn't the
S grapes or umbrellas on exhibition the
o Journal calls him a diabOlicai liar.
j. A sad.minded "mOuutain edit0r'
# says: "The one dollar gold pieces are 10
n be withdrawn from circulation. They
- are great nuisance. We have search
l. ed for one of them in vain many times
lr in the depths of small pocket book,
It And we have lost, probably, dozens Of
|. them every day for years"
v Aiudge ofMilesian extraction, ch3rs
= ed Jury as follows: "Gentlemen of the
- Jury, you must find that the defendant
& is guilty beyond reasonable doubt. A
tr reasonable doubt Is such doubt as will
- convince reasonable man that the de-
70 fendant is rot guilty.
a A Lockport barber the other day
70 pocketed his raZors and decamped. JUS
!, as he was leaving he presented his wife
u. with an old pair of pantaloons, with
OF the remark that she had "always worn
ht the breeches, 'and she might keep thes'
10 as a souvenir of their family difficulties
T., The woman wasn't very sorry for hi
" loss, and she did not weep incOnsOlably
RI but she hung up the old pantaloousan
es labelled them :-"Wanted-a man I,
fill these pants. There has never been
man in them.' The deserted wife is
peg ahead now.
of An elderly Detroit man startled a cd
y, " load of passengers recently while III
IL train was under full headwsy, by SUD
ng denly rushing to the platform and dluml
lis ing off, turning about forty summe
in saults before he brought up against III
fence. He appeared al the nearest q