The Iowa plain dealer. [volume] (New Oregon, Howard County, Iowa) 1867-1895, 1872-03-08
The Fat COntributerO e e n on + q rm'
ing as II Fraud.

I speak with feeling on this subject,
for I've been glittered and beguiled, and
dazzled and betrayed by this arch de-
ceiver, agriculture. She has made me
a thousand promises and broken every
one Of them. She has promised me
early potatoes, and the rain has drowL-
ed them late potatoes and the drowth
has withered them; winter squashes,
and the bugs have devoured them. She
has promised ripe cherries, and the cur
culio has stung them, and they contain
living things uncomely to the eye and
unsavory to the taste. She has prom
ised strawberries, and the young chick
ems have enveloped them and the eye
cannot see them. She has promised
tomatoes, and the old hens have Gu
compasscd them, and the hand cannot
reach them; No wonder Cain killed
his brother. He was the tiller of the
ground. The wonder is that he didn' t
kill his father, and then weep because
he hadn't grandfather to kill. No
doubt his Early Rose potatoes, for
which he had paid Adam 81 barrel,
had been cut down by bugs from the
head waters of the Euphrates. His
Pennsylvania wheat had been winter
killed, and wasn't worth cutting. His
Norway oats had gone to straw and
woull not yield five pecks per acre ;and
bis black Spanish watermelons had been
stolen by the boys, who had pulled up
the vines, broken down his patent pick
ct fence, and written scurrilous dogger-
ell all over his back gate. No wonder
he felt mad when he saw Abel whistling
along with his fine French merinos,
worth Ss per head, and wool going up
every day. No wonder he wanted to
kill somebody, and thought he'd prac-
tice on Abel. And Noah's getting
drunk was not at all surprising. He
had become husbandman. He had
thrown away magnificent opportunities
He might have had monopoly of any
profession or business. Had he stud
led medicine there would not have been
another doctor within thousand miles
to call him "Quack and every fam
lily would have bought a bottle of
"Noah's Compound Extract of Gopher
Wood and Anti-Deluge Syrup" As
a politician he might have carried his
own ward solid, and controlled two
thirds Of the delegates in every conven-
ton. AS lawyer he would have been
retained in every case tried at the
.Ararat Quarter Session, or the Old Ark
High Court of Admiralty. But he
threw away all these advantages and
took to agriculture. For a long time
the ground was 50 wet he could raise
nothing but sweethag and bu.lrushes'
and these, at last, became a drug in
the market. What wonder that when,
at last, he did get half peck of grapes
that were not stung to death by ia
phet's honey bees, he should have made
wine and drowned his sorrows in a
'aowing bowl?'' The fact is, agricul-
ture would demoralize saint. I was
almost saint when | went into it. I'm
a demon now. I'm at war with every
thing. l fight myself out of bed at
four o'clock, when my better nature
tells me to be still till seven. l fight
myself into the garden to work like a
brute, when reason and instinct tell me
to stay in the house and enjoy. myself
like man. l fight the pigs, the
chickens, the moles, the birds, the bugs,
the worms-everything in which is the
breath of life. I fight the docks, the
burdocks, the nlullens, the thistles, the
grapes, the weeds, the roots-the whole
vegetable kingdom. fight the heat,
the frost, the rain, the hail-in short, /
fight the Universe, and get whipped in
every battle.