American citizen. [volume] (Canton, Miss.) 1864-1890, 1872-09-14
How Mrs. Perkins Cured her Husband
of the "Clubo Fever.

| ClllDS Is GlneTally SuTpOSeu 10
intirely to cities, but they have found their
way to Pigeon Holler, and my husband
has jined 'em!
A young sprig by the name of Jack
ships, he cum here from BOsting early in
the summer, to board, and shoot, and fish,
though what he calkerlated to shoot is a
mystery. There haInt no game but wood
chucks, what has cut my cranberry beans
all up; and, to my sartin knowledge all
he has shot sense he's been here is the
Wilder Peaselee's gobbler, and Sarah Ann
Jenkins speckled Thomas cat.
But Jacksnips he introduced the idee of
clubs, consarn him! He sed club was a
place where men that their wives scolded,
and their chimney smoked, and their ba-
bies cried, could meet and while away the
tegus hours in converse sweet with SIM
perthetic soles!
Jacksnips is considerable of collidgc
| larnt man-his father used to be the pro-
CENTER in Yale Collidge, and swept the
| floors, and bilt the fires, so, of course, his
| son is a CRATE scholar.
did not know nothing about the club
when they first begun, if / had should
| have sOt my foot down to once, SO far as
jonathan was consumed. 1t seems that
| over i'll the sullur kitchen of Binkly' Is store,
and orginized-and Jonathan was among
| 'em. ri =
| Warn't mad when L found it out, and
| knOwed that Jonathan was among 'em :?
Well, L rather guess so! Everybody that
knows yer Aunt Jerushy, is well aware
that she's got temper like lamb that's
been brrlng up on the bottle, when she
haint imposed upon, but anybody that
| undertakes the little job of imposing onto
her will be likely to find all he can man
age afore he gifts through.
Jonathan was out three nights till mid
| night, afore found out what was up. L
4 1..Af 81 *
kcrOsine and filling the room with smoke,
and smoke alters gives me the guitar in
the head, and makes my eyes look as if
I'd been weeping by moonlight alone.
The first night, when the clock struck
eleven. began to be kinder skeered. I
didn't know but what Jonathan had had
an appepleX, or fell into Freeman's old
sullur, or had been hurried off by the Ku-
Kluxes that the papers tell about.
L begiled the time by looking over the
buro drawers, to see if there was clean
fine shirt of his'n done up, in case he
should be brung home dead, and have to
be laid out. It's alters best, you know,
to be prepared for what ever may happen.
A person never knows what may come
along.
Ali to once, Jest about midnight, herd
sumthin' Il scratching to the door. L
thought first it was Jones' cat that has
been round our sullur for to skim the
IlIilk anu sell Will
the mop, and crept out to the door, detir-
mined to settle that annimile right on the
spot. / unlocked the door jest as cautious
as ever cOuIld-ris the mop, and was Jest
going to let drive, when L heard Kind
of silly laff, that sounded something like
.Jonathan's, coming up from the regins of
the door step.
1 sot up my specks, and looked close,
and shure cnuff thare was man stretched
out on the steps with his legs in the rain
water tub, and his two hands 4 fumblin
into the trellis that my wOOdbine was a
running up over. l grabbed him by the
shoulders and sot him up onto his feet.
Mrs-NIrs.-Perkins,' SEE he; ''what
-upon-upon airth have you done with
with the key-hole 20
'sWhy, Jonathan Perkins.'' seq I;
So do my eyes deceive me? is this you? and
be you-gracious airth re you drunk?''
Drunk ~ seq he, Strengthening hisself
up, and falling over backwards across the
scraper; drunk" Jerushy. Tm-I'm
'mazed-I am. Me drunk. when l haint
seen anything stronger than spring water
for a month. I'm overcome with the
heat-I am !-thermOmeter's biling-and
some Internal scamp has stole the key
hole. confOund him.'
/ was eanamOst transfggered! 10
think that this suffering critter was the
pardner of my buzzOm was too much for
me, and it so tur overcome me that L lost
my selt-control and let that moE-handle
come down onto Jonathan to such an eX-
tent that he left off suffering and went to
fighting with fists and feet and toe nails .
| managed though to get him into the
house and to bed, though he insisted onto
going with his boots OH, and the boots
was so consarned tight over them cOrns
of his'n. that l couldn't get 'em off. So
put his feet into Il cheer, and tied 'em fast
there with the clothes line SOS he couldn't
hist 'cm round onto the sheets, and there
L left him.
He slept powerful lit was ten O'Clock
the next day a.ore he walked up, and
then he was sick to his stummuk, and
cross as Il lobster just being billed! Along
toward night he cum round agin, and
ow ned up where he'd been, and promised
never to 20 any more. But he broke his
promise for two nights, which made three
in all that he'd been to the club. and the
fourth night my resolution was took.
Ichabod Turner he came along airly
that night and asked Jonathan if he didn't
want TO go ceiling. And they took their
fishing poles and departed.
knowed well enough where they had
gone, and about twelve O'Clock that night
I dressed myself up in white petticoat
and night gound, and taking a sheet and
a bean pole sot sail for Binkly's suller
kitchen.
There was brisk light in there. and
sounds of LATTER and singing coming out.
and after I'd waited a spell the cons;rn
broke up. and ont cum a dozen or more
men, and Jonathan and IchabOd among
EN- | kept in the shadder OF the fences
till Jest Oft against the old graveyard
where Jonathan's grandsir and grand
marin is buried. and Jonathan and Icha-
bod they was staggering along having
business on both sides of the road to once,
and {: singing in chorus champaign
Charlie is my Name.'' And there is about
as much sing to Jonathan Perkins as there
is to a bob-tailed bantam rooster.
Suddntly. jest as they'd got aginst the
graveyard, jumped over the fence histed
my sheet onto the bean pole high over
groan that ever You heerd, l stepped rite
out in front of 'em.
You'd ort to have been there and seed
the result | wouldn't have believed that
any mortal so drunk as Jonathan was
could ever have made tracks so fast as he
did. 1t was one of the wonders of the age,
and IchabOd he kept fully up to him; and
| follered behint a waving of my sheet and
bean pole, and Il cheering of 'em on.
jest atore they got to our house they
kinder missed the track and run off the
side of the road. down over a bank wall.
and fchabod he fell over Jonathan. and
Jonathan he blundercd and both of 'em
went into the ditch that Nose White had
dug to dram the suller.
When they landed there they both set
up Il howl, and our dog Towser he heard
'em and cum plun@ing down hill rlte onto
'em.
| had to throw away my sheet and pole,
and 90 the rescue. and by the time I'd got
things separated little Nose White and
BenIat they had arriv. and went home