Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1872-04-12
HumOr.


Aunt Tabitha'n tell me she never did sol
HumOr.
A s'two-foot ruls"-don't stumble.
Beer, like flea, is subject to hops.
Lip service-Toa cups and saucers.
A serious turn The twist of ones neck.
A stamp you can't buy-The stamp Of
gentleman.
In Boston they call founding hospitals
asylums for anonymous infants.
Where did Noah preserve the bees dur
ing the food 2 In the archives.
A compass has four points, that's certain;
but pair Of compasses has only two.
If Adam is accountable for 'consequen-
tial damages" he will have rough time
of it.
A near sighted man, being advised to
use glasses, took four, he says, and saw
double.
What is the difference between hill and
pill Zone is hard to get up. the other
is hard to get down.
A paper in putting certain soap. says i
is the s.best ever made for dirty mans
face. We have tried it, and, therefore, We
ought to know"
A shrewd confectioner has taught his
parrot to say ''Pretty creature to every
lady who enters the shop, and his business.
is rapidly increasing.
"Sir, will make you feel the arrows of
my resentment"
'.Ah, miss. why should fear your ar-
rows when you never had beau 2"
'Come, don't be timld." said couple Of
foolish snobs to two mechanics, 'seis down
and make yourselves our equals" We'd
have to blow our brains ont to do tbat,
uasA the ren!y. s. 49,
west" upon iDquiring Of one Of his juvenile
pupils what he had learned during the week,
was electrified by the answer that he has
'learned not to trump his partners ace."
A writer speaks Of hut so miserabl
that it didn't know which way to fall and
SO kept standing. This is like man tina.
had such complication of diseases that be
didn't know which to die Of, and SO lived
on.
A Scotch clergyman was talking very Sc.
riously to parishioner about drinking, and
hoped he had produced some effect. And
so he had for the parishioner said 'Ye're
right, sir whisky's bad thing, especially
bad whisky
A soap manufacturer very thoughtfully
presented every member of the Virginia
House of Delegates, a few days ago, with
bar of soap, a circumstance which some one
has been SO uncharitable as to call ga
Timely Proceeding"
Josh Billings says that the difference be.
tween blunder and mistake is: When a
man puts down bad umbrella and takes up
good one he makes mistake; but when
he puts down good one takes up bad
one he makes blunder.
The Connersville Qnd.) Times tells of
an old rail-splitter in that county who put
quietus upon young man who chafed |
him about bis bald head. in these words =
Young, when my head gets as soft as
yours, l can raise hair to SELL"
A negro preacher at Georgia camp.
meeting told his hearers that they could |
never enter heaven with bottles in their
pockets, and urged them to 'bring 'em right
up to the pulpit, and he would offer EN-
sacrifice to de Lord" It was done, but the
preacher was found incapable when the hour
for evening service arrived.
LANDLORD AND TENANT.-A New Haven
M D. has discovered successful way of
silencing the camors of his landlord. When
that grasping parsonage calls for the pay
ment Of rent the doctor quietly shows him
a skeleton in an inner room and tells him
"tbat man came here just two weeks auo
with BILL" This is regarded as equiva.
lent to a settlement in full.
Supposed ColIoquy, apropos to Ben But
ler's going to the church:
Poternal Buler-Now. my son, you see
nothing pays like the church 10 New Eng.
land To prosper among the saints you
must become a clergyman.
little Benny B-Wby. father! You
know I'm not good enough to 60 into the
church.
Pdternol B. --Pshsw son ! Don't raise
cbjeetior Wasn't Judas Iscar;os enc Of
the apostles?
How THE DEACON Cor EvEN.-The dea-
con was not very much behind, if the fol-
lowing story is true:
In small town on the Schullkill river
there is church in which the singing had
run down. 1t bad been led many years by
one of the deacons, whose voice and musical
powers had been gradually failing. One
evening the clergyman gave out the HYMN
which was an old measure, and rather hard
er than usual. and the deacon led off,
Upon its conclusion the minister rose and
said:
''Brother B. will please repeat the
hymn ss cannot pray after such singing"
The deacon very composedly pitched into
aaother tune, and the clergymen proceeded
with prayer. Having finished, he took up
the book to give the second hymn, when be
was interrupted by the deacon grayely get.
ting up and saving, in q voice audible to the
whole congregation: |
Twill Mr.. make another prayer :?
Il would be impossible for me to sing after
such prayer A. that" !