The Columbia herald. [volume] (Columbia, Tenn.) 1850-1873, 1872-10-25
A Model LOye-Letter.


MY DEAR Mrs. NJ: Every time
/ think of you my heart f1ops up and
down like a churn-dasher. Sensations
of exquisite joy caper over it like
young goats on stable roof, and thrill
through it like Spanish needles through
q pair of tow linen trousers. As q
gosling swimmeth with delight in a
mud puddle, so swim in q sea of
glory. Visions of ecstatic rapture
thicker than the hairs of q backing
brush, and brighter than the hues of q
humming- birds pinions, visit me in
my slumbers, and borne On their in
visible wings, your image stands before
me, and reach out to grasp it like a
pointer swapping at blue bOttle-fy.
When / first beheld your angelic
perfectiOns 1 was bewildered, and my
brain whirled round like a humble bee
under glass tumbler. My eyes stood
open like cellar doors in a country
town, and lifted up my ears to catch
the siivery accents of your voice. My
tongue refused to wag, and in silent
alteration l drank in the sweet infec-
ton of love as thirsty Inan swallow
eth tumbler of hot whisky punch.
Since the light of your face fell upon
my life, sometimes feel as if could
lift myself up by my boot-straps to the
top of the church-steeple, and pull the
bell.rope for singing school.
Dag and night you are in my
thoughts. When Aurora, blushing
like a bride, ri-es from her saffron
colored couch when the jay-bird pipes
his tuneful lay in the apple tree by the
spring house; when the chandeliers
shrill clarion heralds the coming morn;
when the awaking pig ariseth from
his bed and grunteth, and goeth for
his mornings Tefreshments; when the
drowsy beetle wheels to droning flight
at sultry nOOn-tide; and when the
lowing nerds come home at milking
time, 1 think of thee; and like piece
of gum elastic, my heart seems stretch
ed clear across ny bosom.
Your hair is like the name of sorrel
horse powdered with gold; and the
brass pins skewered through your
waterfall fill me with unbounded awe.
Your forehead is smoother than the
elbow of an old ,coat; your eyes are
glorious to behold. In their liquid
depths 1 see legiOns of little Cupids
bathing, like cOhort of ants, in an old
army cracker. When their fire hit
me upon my manly breast, it pene-
trated my whole anatomy, as load of
bird-shot through rotten apple. Your
nose is from a chunk of Parian mar
ble, and your mouth is puckered with
sweetness. Nectar fingers on your
lips, like honey on bears paw; and
myriads of unfiedged kisses are there,
ready to fly out and light somewhere,
like blue-birdS out of their parents
nest. Your laugh rings in my ears
like the wind-harp's strain, or the
bIeat of stray lamb on a bleak hill
side. The dimples on your cheeks are
like bowers on beds of roses, hOllOws
in cakes of homemade sugar.
am dying to fly to thy presence,
and pour ont the burning eloquence of
my love, as thrifty housekeeper pours
out hot coffee. Away from you am
as melancholy as sick rat.
Sometimes 1 can hear the June bugs
of despondency buzzing in my ears,
and feel the cold lizards of despair
crawling down my back. Uncouth
fears, like thousand minnOws. nibble
at my spirits; and my soul is pierced
with doubts, as an old cheese is bored
with shippers.
My love for you is stronger than the
smell of COffey's patent butter, or the
the kick of young COW, and more
unselfish than a kittens first cater
waul. As song-bird bankers for the
light of day, the cautious mouse for the
fresh bacon in the trap, as mean pup
bankers after new milk, SO l long for
thee.
You are fairer than a speckled pull
let, sweeter than Yankee doughnut
fried in sorghum molasses, brighter
than topknot plumage OH a muscovy
duck. You are candy, kisses, raisins,
pound cake and sweetened toddy alto
gether.
If these remarks will enable you to
see the inside of my soul, and me to
win your affections, shall be as happy
as woodpecker on a cherry tree, or a
stage-horse in q green pasture. If you
cannot reciprocate my thrilling pas
sion, 1 will pine away like poisoned
bedbug, aud fall away from flourish
ing vine of life, an untimely branch
and in the coming years, when the
shadows grow from the hills, and the
philosophical frog sings his cheerful
evening hymns, you, happy in
another's love, can come and drop a
tear and catch a cold upon the last
resting.place Of
Yours atiectionately, H.