The daily dispatch. [volume] (Richmond [Va.]) 1850-1884, 1872-04-15
An Eng1ishman I'm yfrHtnia--Ho BOf.
fius was Reseuctl.--The Pleasures and
the Pains OF the Old Dominion
Land s.an the Market, ~ 81

nus was Rescnctl.--The Pleasures and
the Pains OF the Old Dominion-.
Land '.An the Market 80 -
Correspondence OF the Commercial Advertiser.
VIRGINIA, April 4.--Ihaye just rescued
Boffins.
Boffins is friend Of mine. whose grandma
ther died lately and left him her good.wishcs
and blessing. The blessing consisted of
Esq., 900, and by my advice Z. B. decided to
come out to Virginia with his grandnotlier's
| golden remains. He arrived at Norfolk last
week per Allan steamer.
Bofftns is d nice young man, and has al
| ways acted Gas scb.'' He wears black. and
looks pale. On shpboard he was decided
success as prcsumptirc widower. The pas
sengcrs sympathizcd with him "muchy .
especially the elderly spinsters. The steward
comnassionated him with the best of every
thing eatable. The captain told him the
speed of the vessel, and the first mate talked
contidentially with him on the time he would
"arruy out" The doctor gave him choral
literally for sen sickness, and the reverend
brother who did duty rs chaplain comforted
him religiously. Bottins was Il popular cha
racter and q happy man on board that
steamer. 1t was not until he got to Norfolk
that his miseries began.
Boffins went to the Atlantic Hotel and sat
down to calmly smoke the widower's weed.
lie had entered his name in the notebook in
his usual sprawling handwriting" Thomas
Bolhns, England without reflection on the
consequences. lie considered himself +" mod
est and unknown" but in ten minutes he
found himself famous. In quarter of an
hour one hundred and twenty-five enterpri-
sing individuals were at the Atlantic in search
of Boftins. They wanted
BoFFINs TO REcUPERATE VIRGINIA.
They wanted him to ease society, to develop
the industrial arts, to extend the school sys-
TEN, to build railways, to erect new cities
destined to be ten times the size of New
York thousand years hence, to farm scien-
titically, and, in fact, to do everything under
the sun. Bofins found that be was supposed
to know more than Horace Greeley about
farming, to excel Brunei rs an engineer, to
beat Sir Morton Peto lin the Baronet's
greatest days. rs a ralroad-maker, and to be
a sort of Admirable Crichton generally. One
hundred and twenty-five gentlemen did
homage to Boffins. They considered him, as
somebody said Of Garrick, can abridg-
mcnt of all that was pleasant in man."
WHY was this "thusly?" Boffins was
"spotted" as Hamburger" The one
hundred and twenty-five wanted him and
his money, but they would willingly have
dispensed with the former if they could
have made sure of the latter. They begged
him to 60 to LynchburS to raise stock, and
warned him that tie lowlands were subject
to a.ue and tevers. They cautioned him that
Piedmont was Il cold and dreTy district, and
told him that he could raise stock better in
the valleys. They urged him to take a farm
on the James river and raise "peltaters
and water-ntlinS for New York city.
They warned him and entreated him all
round. He went to take Il drink, and the
bartender asked him if he wanted to buy
land, and, with sly wink, promised TO "put
him up to good thing" He took walk,
aud was accosted every few PAGES with the
inquiry:
BEG your pardon, sir, but are you an
EngliShnan!"
''Ycs.'
"Well, sir, l have very fine plantation
for sale"
Then followed Il very long description of
the value of this particular description OF
land, and Il depreciation of all other lands i'll
the State.
Bo1lins got tired of this. He was followed
everywhere by the industrious 1.2.5. lie
sought refuge in BARRIERS shop. Immcdi-
ately one hundred and twenty-five land
agents were anxious to he shaved. They
filled the BARRIERS shop and blocked up the
street in front. \ negro athered Boilin>.
and during the operation remarked, "'ScllSc
me, sab if you is wanting land, sab, de boss
hab mighty fine tract oh land, SAIL"
THE BOSS BARBER
condcsccnded to slave Boifins himself He
gave Thomas some valuable information. He
Said that all the L. L. VS. were descended
| from BARRIERS The father of Pocahontls was
il redSkin barber. George Washington be-
Gan life Is barber, and learnt his trade by
shaving" the British. John Randolph sue
cessfully shaved Henry Clay. Patrick
| Henry was the author of the great speech,
Give me liberty to shave or give me DEATH"
Governor Berkeley opposed public schools
on the ground that BARRIERS shops were far
more useful to the rising generation. Madi-
son and Jefferson used to regularly practice
shaving" even at the White House. With
tears in his eyes this enthusiastic professional
explained the cause of the fall of the Con
teicracy. The rights OF BARRIERS were swept
away, and the southern armies, weighed
down with boards, were beaten. Good
shaving would have made the South great
nation. .
The Boss told Boffins all about his planta-
ton. and it took exactly four hours and
threc-quarters to shave my friend that day
The gallant one hundred and twenty-five
noble army Of martyrs-werc waiting fol
him. He got into the street and found his
Lodygrlard in attendance. lie went into q
jewellers to buy watch crystal. The jew
clIcr remarked, 81 have very fine plan.
ta-.' Herllshed out and fell into the arms
of the Lynchburg man, who embraced him
affectionately, and began, Piedmont is the
best grazing for"
"Asses," said poor Botfins, retreating into
Il hardware store to avoid persecution.
He sazed wildly around and asked the
price of Colt revolver, with the intention
of shooting the man from Lynchburg. The
proprietor of the store smiled blandly, and
said, 81 have very fine plan-"
Before any more could be said Britishcl
was seen
FLYING MADLY
in the direction of the Atlantic One hun
drcd and twenty-five pllrSuers were or
his track. Small boys called "stop thiefP
and policeman apprehended the man from
Lynchburg, on the ground that he Strongl!
rcselnblcd w. NJ. Tweed, but let him &c
when he breathlessly calculated, Il am after
Il land-buyer."
Almost crazy. Boffins paid his bill at the
Atlantic The clerk who received the none!
said he "could recommend very fine plan
ta-," but Bothns heard no more. liz
jumped into hack and told Jehu to "driye
like old boots to the depot" Jehu took hi
double charge graciously, and began, g
have Il very fine -" when Botfins "cut.,
He took his ticket, and the booking-clerk
kindly told him that he 'knew Of very fine
plantation which could be bought dirt cheap
lie entered railroad car, and in moment
it was full. The one hundred and twenty