The Elk County advocate. [volume] (Ridgway, Pa.) 1868-1883, 1872-07-04
Love Without Nonsense.

one wasn't tall, dark-eyed maiden,
with clear, transparent skin, and lips
like cherries, and cheeks suffused with
blushes. She didn't have glossy black
hair, sweeping back in wavy tresses
from her queenly brow, and her face
wasn't a bit like Hebe's. No, there was
none of those things on the contrary,
she was short, and thin, and had red
hair and freckles, and she also sported
snaggle teeth and wore pads, but still
she was a right nice girl, and there fell
in love with her, one whose name was
Bill, although his friends called him
William when they wanted to hurt his
feelings, for he didn't like it much. He
wasn't fine-looking, and had neither
curly brown hair nor q mustache. Not
much. Bill laid himself out on the soap
locks, and wore goatee that he had
dyed twice week.
Now this Bill, he was in love with
Mary, but he did not go and make de-
Gberate ass of himself. Did he, say,
go into a grove with her, and in the soft
moonlight, by the streamlet that muir
INJURED sweetly by, and with the tender
zephyr signing through the foliage, fall
down on his knees, seize her jeweled
the tender accents of fond attachment,
and swear" by yon bright orb above us,
always to be thine 2" Did he, 1 say
You can just bet he didn't. You can lay
out your whole revenue safely on that
William knew too much about the price
of pants to go Topping around on the
wet grass with his good clothes OH be-
sides, he never cared anything about
streamlets or any kind of cold water,
except to mix with his gin. No, sir; it
was exceedingly strange, but this in
fatuated William met her at the alley
gate, and he stood up right on his legs
and says
"Say, Mol, old gal, s'posen we get
hitched 2"
But how did Mary behave? Did she
go dropping to sleep over on the bricks
in a dead faint, or did she hide her gen
tie head on his shirt bosom to conceal
her blushes? No, she didn't, and she
didn't say, al am ever thine, my own
love, dear William Oh, my, no. She
looked right into his yellow eyes and
says
"Tm in, Billy; I'm the gal for these
sort of things. Go in ~
And instead of referring him to her
father, she only said
won't the old man bust right out
when you tell him? Ha ha aw and she
laughed.
But she didn't ask William to try to
molify her fond father. No, no. She
very wickedly advised him to "poke the
old gentleman in the nose if he gave
him any of his lip" She was a funny
girl, this Mary.
Now, the old man wasn't wealthy, for
he sold soap-fat for living, and so he
didn't think Bill was nosing around for
his stamps; so when Bill asked him, he
neither ordered him fercely away, nor
did the dewy moisture gather in his
eagle eye as he passed his hem-stitched
up there and said, "Bless you, my chill
dren, bless you!" Oh, no, nothing of
the sort. He just blew his old red nose
on his bandanna and told Bill to take
her along, for he was glad to get rid of
her, he was, and William would be the
same way mighty soon, for she was
d awful rough on victuals, and alway
broke plates when she got mad
So you see, there really was no neces-
sity for William to come at midnight's
solemn hour, in cab and throw rope
ladder up to her window, and whistle
three times on his fingers, and then go
up hand over hand, and bring her down
in one hand and her trunk in the other,
and bandbox and umbrella under each
arm, and q whole lot of bundles, and
then get in the cab and fly to some dis
tant shore. That's the way it would
have been in a novel; but Bill said he
wasn't on that lay, so he just went out
into the yard, and out of pure Joy he
skinned the cat three or four times on
the grapevine arbor, and then went and
got his butcher cart, and drove her right
down to the magistrate, to get the job
done for quarter-for he said he was
some on the low price, he was.
But the very queerest thing of all was,
that Bill had no tall, dark, ruffanly
rival with a scowling visage and black
whiskers, who flew at him with drawn
dagger and horse-pistol in each hand,
and muttered curse upon his lips. and
cried wildly for "Revenge Ha ha ~
and said death p and "Villain, thou
diest" Not any. There was another
fellow in love with Mollie to be sure,
but he was weak-eyed young man
who had sandy hair and wore spectacles
and choke collar, and always looked
scared when you hollered at him. So,
when he saw that Bill had the best of
the girls affections, he looked all serene,
and said, $50 in, Billy, if you banker
for her" and as Billy was some on the
banker, he sailed right in.
SO William, you see, had no trouble
at all-and you couldn't get up an ago.
nizing novel about him if you tried.
He didn't have any urgent business that
called him to foreign land, and so he
had to bid her a fond good-by, and
swear always to be true, and then go
away and forget her and fall in love
with dark-eyed italian girl, picking
grapes in a vineyard, with a square
towel folded ON her head, while tbs for
gotten and forsaken Mary gradually
faded and pined away, and bafiied the
physicians skill, and grew paler, and at
last when the June roses were in bloom,
lying gently down to die, while through
the open window hoated in the balmy
Odor of jessamine and honeysuckle.
And William didn't come home at last,
and, filed with deathless remorse, go
daily to the sweet cemetery, and strew
flowers on the grave and teach his chill
dren to lisp her name. Not at all. That
is the way Mrs. E. d. E. N. Southworth
would have done it, but she wasn't round.
Billy was u butcher who wore a white
shirt and shiny hat, and he stayed at
home and killed beef and sold it at a
big price and stuck to Mary, and she
l.