Belmont chronicle. [volume] (St. Clairsville, Ohio) 1855-1973, 1872-02-29
The Afixed Funerals
BY ROBERT ToMPKINs, ESQ.

| am a quiet man. may say, afte
turning it over in my mind, that 1 an
a meek man. AS q general thing le
my wife take the lead and do the ag
gressive. Women are so much NOR
capable in that line than the men,
They have d turn for war. Did yov
ever meet with a female who was no
bloody-rninded? And did you ever Sc
a girl that wasn't carried away by tn
toggery of the army and navy? No,
rather think you never did. Thel
they are SO, fluent, and as they eanno
be knocked down, you see they get il
their argument. And that's q goot
DEAL SO now when I see a dun ap
proachirg I put my better haifto tn
front, and dom she make the scoun
hel wish he was dead? Perhaps sht
flnffsto 13iiBjs DIS .''ys7.ili3 3fil - 1f'
:; : BID But duiete and meek as I am, / cam
be put Upon. When it is thorough.
and clearly understood that am pa
UPON the dormant forces of my mani.
nature develepe instanter. | an
aroused. And when L ain aroused
wen, something Breaks Sometimes i
is head, sometimes it is the crockery
and sometimes it is my suspenders
The last happened the other day when
my mothef-in-law put upon me. tWheL
/ discovered that fact Strengthened Il
my full height and looked that aged
vinegar cruet in the eye. She fuaiied
Sir. AS the late Thomas Benton once
remarked, .Ilookei him in the eyes TIL
they fell, sir; YES sir, they fell" Hei
eyes feE to my walstband, and she
said 't'='.t itil ,lIifi31e} l.-- r..
i'Bobby, you've bust your suspen-
dor, >, y ''fSl'fii3 Ina II ~ DO -C- = f.-
And so I had; In the violence OF my
emotions the nnainstays snapped. But,
sir. / now appeal to you. This Is not
the first time that I have suffered from
haekmen.o lift was the first offense on
their part I might be disposed to- say
nothing about 1t; but the repetition ol
such outrages is not to be passed silent
" bv no - 1aiUli3.srJ Sgsl Ti9az ssilsiG
The first occasion was whenI @eIit 10
get married; 1t was in Philadelphia, and
The miserable hack-driver nlaiici0usly
drove us THAT is, Mary Ann and my
seff) to Moyamensing prison instead OF
to the church. Wew were so much Occu-
pied in conversation that we never no
ticed our route until we foundourselves
at the gate it0f the prison, with the
driver pafftely bowling and jEietting
down the steps for us to get QUITO !.
1t was his 1eft eye that suffered most,
although my nose was SO swollen that l
postponed my marriage indefinitely,
and Mary Ann IS still sinele, aia1.1s
!. But the last grievance has injured my
feelings to still greater extent; it has
aroused all my dormant IsenSibilities; it
was hscking, sacrilegious, unpardona-
bic. and therefore complain to you.s
Perkins died last week-you remen-
ber Perkins? but no, come to think OF it
he was not one of that family; he had
no claim on any government, and SO
YOU could ot,have known him. Perkins
had a great attachmentfo for me-he loan
ed me money, and 1t was on my prop
erty. He was somewhat older than l, ,
and I looked upon him almost as rel
ative-an uncle l might say. 1 depend
ed upon him when ( was in trouble,
and his bonds were as good to me as his
words, in fact preferred them-they
were mostly preferred. ] owed Per-
kins much; he made me what / am
frequently; I feel | could never have
repaid him; go when ! heard 6f bis sud-
den death concluded to pay him my
last tribute ut the grave. 1t was the
only thing ever paid.
The funeral was gotten up in the best
style, it vas really first-class funeral
in every respect, Jones and ] got into
one Of.the best hacks-yoq know there is
always choice in such affairs-it was
about the tenth in the procession.
fT <J;,l >+ lxy N M inc fhn n ri ".
erIWRen I entered, but lYke ever does?
What difference should it nlake-are
they not all heathens alike? The funer-
al started. l was quite overcome with
my feelings; always am at funerals; l
tried to light cigar, but after striking
a, match found hadn't cigar with
me, and Jones only had one, which he
smoked himself. mention this to
Jones, 'discredit. We enjoyeda pleas
ant ride (although somewhat slow
along several streets, until we saw an
other funeral leaving a house in front OF
US, Thestreet was somewhat narrow,
and the vehicles of the two PROFESSIONS
were good deal crowded, and frequent
" were obliged to mix together and
90 in single file to keep out Of the mud.
Gf course we kept the curtains down,
as it was less exposing. After while
the two PROFESSIONS again separated,
each vending its solemn way to honor
its separated dead. 1t was an occasion
to call forth the saldest reflections, and
Jones actually thpew away his cigar
half smoked; we were both de eeply az
fected, and as we approached the gate
of the cemetery, we prepared to shed
our sacred tears to the memory of ouI
departed friend. Through ths long
avenues We wound Slowly along, gaz
ing at the tomhs on either side swhere
slumbered the silent dead, the sculp
tured monuments of love and affection
calling forth sad thoughts, when sud
denly the cortege halted.
1t is always a solemn moment wher
a funeral procession reaches the spO
where the dear departed is to be left il
the cold and silent earth. We felt it il
as we deoended from our carriage anC
looked about US. The tears were stand
ing in our eyes, when to our amaze
ment out of the hack ahead of us cam
several darkies; we were shocked, bu
oh, horror! out all the carriages decend
ed people of color; load after load the.
dismounted; colored minister led tn
way, colored pall-bearers carried SEE
| ond-rate coffin; even the hacks Wer
/ second:rate. something was undoubtl
wrong, this was not our funeral. Sud
denly it flashed across my mind tha
during the mixing up the carriages ou
| fraud of a driver had followed th
wrong funeral, and here we were, tn
only white persons at this colored bul
iall Perkins had been carried to anotf
er grave, and we were moQners over a
unknown darkey. What could we de
Jones looked at me and looked 1
Jones-fancy our position. The gray
was too small for our driver, or "
might have revenged ourselves by ge
ting up small extempore funeral 9
: our own account. What cared we f
this colored corpse? Our Perkins WI
4 elsewhere, we could not weep over b