The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1872-07-04
An Essay OH the Doctors.
BY THE "FAT CONTRIBUTOR"

Quick, 90 for the doctor ALI right, I'm 60
ing for him. I have been aching to so for the
doctor long time; so here goes.
There are great many kind of doctors-bie
doctors and small doctors, old school doctors
doctors of the new school, and doctors without
any schooling whatsoever. There are doctor;
of laws, and doctors of sons-in-laws; ear doc
tors, and doctors difficult to get the ear Of; tootf
doctors, nail doctors, and doctors who go at you
tooth and nail; eye doctors and l. 0. U: doc
tors; eclectic doctors, electric doctors, and doc
tors not of the elect, who 60 it mostly on tick
Thus we have cold-water doctors, and doctors
who "straw" it good deal; root-doctors, and
doctors whose motto is "Root, hog, or dep
Spiritual doctors, and doctors very much out
haven't any magnetism in them-or much else;
laying of-hands doctors and doctors who
will take anything they can lay their hands on
except, perhaps, their own physic.
Sweat doctors are numerous. If they don't
sweat their patients, their patients sometimes
make them sweat. And there are few doctors
who are not compelled to sweat around good
deal to get their pay.
Among the Indian doctors are the full-bred,
half bred, corn-bred, and doctors never bred at
all-at least not bred to medicine-the latter
class being far the most numerous. AS gen.
eral thing, Indian DOCTORS as they call them
selves, know nothing whatever about Ihdians ;
many of them never saw oue- But that is
nothing strange in medicine. Men have prac-
ticed medicine all their lives without enjoying
the slightest acquaintance with it.
Herb doctors are popularity supposed to spend
large portion of their time in meandering
through the fields culling herbs. Nothing of
the sort. lots of them wouldn't know catnip
from "pennyrile" if they saw them growing
They Gull their herbs at the druggists. =.
There are lung doctors and doctors with very
little lungs, although tolerable livers. Doctors
are good livers as general thing.
The throat doctor appears in variety OF
forms not strictly recognized in medicine. The
hangman is the most thorough throat doctor we
have. HiB remedy-a structure of hemp-rare-
ly fails to cure the most obstinate throat diff
Guilty. Few persons have ever been heard to
complain of their throat after the first applica-
tion.
Bar-keepers are another variety of throat doc
tors, whose mixtures also, are too familiar to
many people, Cold water is the safest for the
throat as an inward application.
Pepper doctors were quite popular some years
ago. They don't pepper US SO much Us they
did, though many doctors are pepery enough.
Mustard doctors are in the army for the most
part, unless they are mustered out.
Cancer doctors are almost as numerous as
cancers themselves. Every cancer doctor ex-
hibits 80 many cancers he has taken out that l
have sometimes wondered if they didn't take it
out in cancers. was once shown a tumor so
large asked the doctor, if space was valuable,
why he didn't stick his patient away in glass
lar and let the tnmor walk around.
Movement doctors are trying hard to get up
a movement, but, bless you, the old-fashioned
pill doctors are years ahead Of them. They
are the original movement doctors.
Corn doctors should not hf oyerlooked.-
Some of them are very .skillful in taking off a
corn A corn doctor took off corn for me
once, and he took it off so far it was near q
week before it got back again.
No man who hasn't horse serlse has any busi-
ness trying to be horse doctor; although he
may get diploma to doctor men. Even the
constitution of horse may be broken down by
unskillful treatment, yet in selecting physi-
clan for ourselves we occasionally forget that.
The horse doctor sometimes gets more kicks
than coppers, though he is one of the few
privileged persons who is excused for looking a
Gift horse in the mouth.
The healthiest town I ever knew was out in
Illinois, one summer, when the doctors went
East to attend a medical convention, neglect
ing to return for several months. The doctors
found when they did get back that their pa,
tients had all recovered, the drug stores had
bursted, nurses had opened dancing schools,
the cemetery was cut up into building lots, the
undertaken had gone to making iddles, and the
village hearse had been gaudily painted and
sold for circus wagon
Although 1 have metaphorically gone for
the doctors, let nothing l have said be con-
strued as rejecting upon them as class They
are good-humored, and can, therefore, take a
Joke, and for the most part are charitable and
humane. have good many friends among
the doctors, yet they are the very last men l
want to call on.
"PEcuLIAR PEoPLE.n-People who like the