Nashville union and American. [volume] (Nashville, Tenn.) 1868-1875, 1872-05-30
SNAIKS AND BABIES.
From Josh Billings Spice-BOx,

| liz SbIlpCu okldhC IL OuC Nv bllc SuDpcTy-
est jobs that natur ever turned loose.
They travel on the lower side ov them
sells, and kan slip out ov sight like blowing
out handle. They were made for sum
| good purpose, but l never have been in
formed for what, unless it waz teW hav
their beds smashed.
They are sed tew be innocent, but they
hav got bad reputashun, and all the in
nocence in the world won't kure bad re-
putashun.
They liv in the grass but seldom cit slept
on, bekauze they don't stay long enuff in
the right place.
When waz little boy, and wore naked
feet, and was loafng around loose for straw
berys, waz often times just a goint to step
on striped snaik, but it alwus cured me
OV strawberrys.
If striped snaik got into 1O-akre lot
before did, alwus considered that all
the strawbeTys in that lot belonged tew
the snaik.
''Fust cum, fust sarve," was mi motto.
I'm just az afraid OF snaiks now az waz
so years ago, and if should liv teW be az
old az NebudkenneZer waz, and go to grass
as he did, one striped snaik would spile 80
akers oV good pasture for me.
Wimmin don't Inv snaiks emmy more than
do, and l respekt her for this.
How on earth Eve waz seduced by a
snaik il tust-cl2ss MYSTERY tew me, and if
l hadn't read it in the Bible I would bet
against it.
l beleave every thing there IL in the Bible,
the things kant understand beleaye the
most,
Wouldn't swop oph the phaith 1 hav got
for any living mans knowledge.
Snaiks are oV all sorts, and all sizes, and
the smaller they are the more l am afrade
oV them.
l wouldn't buy farm at half price that
had a striped snaik on it.
Ded snaiks are weakness with me; al
ways respeckt them, and whenever see a
ded one in the road, don't drop a tear on
him, but drop another stone on him for
fear he might alter his mind and cum tew
life agin, for snaik hates tew die just az
mulch as kat duz.
l never could ackount for snaik or kat
hateing tew die so bad, unless it waz be-
kause tina waz so poorly prepared for deth.
BABYS.
Babys luv with all mi heart; they are mi
sweetmeats; they warm up mi blood like a
gin sling; they krawl into me and nestle by
the side ov mi soul like kitten under a
cook stove.
hav raised babys miself, and kno what
am talking about.
/ hav got grandchildren, and they are
wus than the fust kop tew riot amung the
feelings.
If l could hav my way, would change
all the human beings now on the face ov
the earth back into babys at once, and keep
them thare, and make this footstool one
grand nussery; but what l should do for wet
muses. 1 don't kno, and don't care.
l would like tew have Is babys now on
mi lap, and my lap amt the handyest lap in
the world for babys, neither.
My lap IL long enuff, but not the widest
kind Nv lap.
L am good deal ov a man, but 1 kon-
sist ov length principally, and when i
make a lap ov miself, it IL not a mattrass,
but more like couple of rails with jint in
them.
can hold more babys in mi lap at once
than any man in Amerika, without splitting
enc, but it hurts the babys.
l never saw a baby in mi life that didn't
want tew kiss; am Wuss than an old maid
in this respekt.
1 haV seen babys that have refused tew
kiss until they had been wasn't; but the
baby want tew blame for this; neither
Wazi.
Thare are folks in this world who say
they don't luv babys, but VI kan depend
upon it, when they waz babys, sumboddy
loved them.
Babys luv me, too. l kan take them out
ov their mothers arms just az eazy az kan
an unfedged bird out ov biz nest. They
luv me bekauze luV them.
And here let me say, for the comfort and
consolashun ov all mothers, that whenever
they see me on the cars or on the steam
bote, out ov a job, they needn't hesitate
minnit tew drop Clean, fat baby into mi
lap; will hold it, and kiss it, and be thank
full besides.
Perhaps there il people who don't envy
me all this, but it IL one of the sharp-cut,
well-deined joys OV mi life, mi love for ba-
bys and their love for me.
Perhaps there il people who will call it a
weakness, i don't care what they call it,
bring on the babys. Uukle Josh haz al |
ways kind word and kiss for the babys. |
love babys for the truth thare IL in |
them, i amt afraid there kiss will betray me,
their il no frauds, ded beats nor counterfts |
among them.
l wish was a baby (not only once |
more,) but forevermore.
JOSH BILLINGS.