Nashville union and American. [volume] (Nashville, Tenn.) 1868-1875, 1872-06-09
THE FAT OONTRIBUTOR.

The hour has arrived. can hesitate no
longer. The highest interests Of the nation
demand that present myself as a candidate
for President Of the United States. / have
waised for some one else to bring me out,
but Ia tie multitude Of candidates no one
seems TO have thought of me. And
donst think very much Of myself; but a
man don't want to think much OF himself
to be a candidate tor President nowadays.
If be had any selfregard at the outset ne
would think very little Of himself by the
time he got through the campaign.
am one Of the people, might say, one
of the boys. came up from oDscurlty,
and I have brought up good deal OF Cd
security with me. Inever had any politics
-or much else. I am "LiberaI" to fanlG,
and ready to receive votes from any quar-
ter, although am not ready to give quar-
ters for any votes.
As for platform, suit yourselves, gentle
men. Thelecture platform would probably
suit me as well as any other. Having
stood upon nearly every platform in the
West it would be hard for you to get up
one l could not stand on. In the absence
of platform, give me four aces, and I'll
sstand" on that. axe
Ill6 SBCCld1 VI viz ANSO@NA5
man. No one likes To see man work better
than do. In fact, had rather see a man
work than work myself / am not only
sverse to working more than eight hours,
but am opposed to working single hour.
l shan't even work for my election, leaving
that for the men who want the offices.
1 am in favor of paying the national debt:
1t is, in fact, the only debt l am in favor OF
paying. Ard rather than not see 1t paid
during my administration, viii pay it out
Of my own pocket.
In the matter of civil service reform l
intend to do the civil thing by the nation
il the nation does the civil thing by me.
Being civil is so rare condition nova
days in the varied walks Of life Ito say
nothing about the runs) that reform is ur-
gently called for
Retrenchment is my motto. If you can't
put retrenchment plank in the platform
put In board. / am ready to work with
out any salary, but shall insist upon my
board.
/ am rather inclined to free trade, pre-
ferring to feel free totrade wherever please,
but if a tariff plank is necessary to my cleo
ton, but it in. l shall not get on tariff |
amt elected.
Pledge me as strong as you please to the
temperance men. The temperance pledge
won't hurt me one bit. a
No relative shall hold office, no matter
whose relative he may be. I shall appoint
none but old bachelors, childless widows
and orphans. Any man who has a rela-
ton in the world need not apply for an Of
fee under my administration. have a
few relatives of my own holding Office now,
but they shall be promptly kicked out as
soon as am elected. One brother-in-law
has little coal Office on the river. He
must give it up. A third cousin on my
neighbours side drinks too much occasion
ally, and gets office foot. | shall give him
notice to quit. You see l am determined
to reduce the ''relative" expenses Of the
government.
l engage not to accept any gift, unless it
be the highest office in the gin of the peo-
pie. If am ever called 'four present Chief
| Magistrate" it won't be chief magistrate
Of presents. Not being man Of command
| ing presence anyhow, there would prOba-
bly, be few presents that could command.
What few gifts may have, however, 1shal
endeavor to retain. They are not worth
making any fuss about.
am not only in favor of woman's rights,
| but Of woman's rights and lefts. l am in
favor of women voting, provided they vote
for me. l see no reason why a woman
should not hold office, except, perhaps, the
difficulty of getting hold of it. Nor should
| there be any bar to a woman's accumulat-
ing property and supporting the family il
she wants to.
l NAY be asked how 1 would treat the
Indians. / wouldn't "treat' them at all
They have been treated too much and toe
often. My private opinion, however, is
that it will be treat when there isn't an
Injun left.
l stand by the old constitution that ha;
been tried. Few men have tried their con-
| stitutions more than have tried mine.
accept the amendments, every one of them
| When it comes to amends | am ready tC
shout ''amen" as loud as anybody.
l understand there is an ambitious mar
| named George Francis Train, who aspire!
to be President on his promise to free Ire,
land. 1 engage not only to free Ireland
but to make Irish whisky free in the bar
gain. shall at least be able to tie Georgt
Francis in the popular vote, unless one O
the other of us is kept away from the polls
Hang it, L believe could tie the Davenport
brothers ..---..-....
/ shall inaugurate a wholesale emancip3
ton business as soon as l am inaugurated
No goods retailed at the White House whel
l am President. engage to emancipat
women from the thraldom Of fashion, t.
give the "boys" their rights, and to abOlisl
the custom which excludes children in arm
from the elevating and purifying influence
of the theater. l have pledged myself
free Ireland and free postage; to free house
keepers from the tyranny of servant girl:
free pews, free passes and freebooters, T
free soil, to free tickets, to free shows, FIRE
drinks, free press and 90. n. Free.
l trust am not making myself too free.
NEW THEORY OF EARTHQUAKE'
: At a scientific lecture delivered in Sa
Jose, California, the lecturer, Prof. Stewar
said that for many years he had closely oil
, served and studiously reflected upon eartl
uuakes and their cause. The result of b
reading, study, and observations is an opil
ion that they are caused by the meeting
} electrical currents which move, one upO
/ the earth's surface, the other in the regiO
( of clouds, and that they are brought tt
t gether by those natural conductors, vapC
and rain-clouds-the meeting Of The two Gu
7 rents upon the surface of the earth causin
/ an earthquake. Prof. Stewart also mail
: tains that these terrible phenomena are CO..
i trollable by the same means that we contrt
: the lightning and prevent it, through irO
s conductors, from destroying our house
J. He says the iron rails Of railways are
q logically conductors of the electricity th
e causes earthquakes as ightning-rods are
S the electricity that comes from the clou
s during a thunderstorm. He maintained
d his lecture that by means of these and 9th
}, conductors it is in the power of man to
n distribute the force of the electric curren
IT which cause earthquakes that they will be
a harmless as the lightning conducted down
er lightning-rod into the earth. He says I'll
d the trans-continental iron track and wiz
re are already doing this valuable service
re California, in sending a part of the earl
IS quake forces far and wide into the heart
IS the continent, by which distribution 1
is danger and intensity of the shocks are ]
< sened there. The late earthquake fl
* nished the most opportune and ASSURE
% proof of the soundness of Stewal
Or theory. Exactly the atmospheric CT
dition which his theory requires to bri
the two electric currents together Ii
existed; and what transpired upon tn
or meeting was precisely that VIII
be his theory called for. The shock was f