Buchanan County bulletin. [volume] (Independence, Iowa) 1869-1891, 1872-06-14
A NEVADA FUNERAL.
BY MARK TWAIN.

There was a grand time over
Buck Fanshaw when he died. He
was representative citizcn.-
He had "killed his man"-not in
his own quarrel, it is true, but i'll
the defense Of a stranger beset by
numbers. He had kept a sumptu-
Gus saloon. lie had been the pro
prietor of dashing helpmeet,-
whom he could have discarded with
out the formality of a divorce. He
had held a high position in the fire
department, and, been a very War
wick in politics. When he died
there was q great lamentation
throughout the town but especially
in the vast bottom stratum Of So
ciety.
On the inquest it was shown that
Buck Fanshaw. in the delirium of a
wasting typhoid fever, had taken ar
senic, shot himselfthrough the body
cut his throat, and jumped out of a
four story window and broke his
neck; and after due deliberation
the jury, sad and fearful, but with
intelligence unblinded by its sor-
row, brought in verdict Of death
sby the visitation of God" What
could the world do without juries?
Prodigious preparations were
made for the funeral. All the vehi-
cles in town were hired, and all the
saloons were put in mourning, all
the municipal fire company flags
were hung at half-mast, and all the
fireman ordered to muster in uni
form, and bring their machines
duly drapcd in black.
Rcgretful resolutions were passed
and various committees were ap-
pointed to call on minister
fragile, gentle, spiritual new fedg-
ling from an Eastern theological
seminary, and as yet unacquainted
with the ways of the mines. The
committeeman, "Scotty Briggs
made his visit.
Being admitted to his presence,
he sat down before the clergyman,
placed his fire-hat on an unfinished
manuscript sermon under the min
ister's nose, took from it red silk
handkerchief, wiped his brow and
heaved sigh of dismal impressive
ness explanatory Of his business.
He choked and even shed tea,s, but
with an effort mastered his voice,
and said, in lugubrious tones:
care you the duck that runs the
gosepl mill next door?''
cam the-pardon me, | believe
| do not understand"
With another sigh and q ahalf sob
Scotty rejoincd:
"Why, you see, we are in bit of
trouble, and the boys thought may
be you'd give us q lift, if we'd
tackle you that is, if I've got the
rights of it and you are the head
clerk Of the doxology works next
door.
81 am the shepherd in. charge OF
the flock whose fold is next door.
''The which,"
"The spiritual adviser of the lit:
little company of believers. whose
sanctuary adjoins these premises"
Scotty scratched his head, reflec-
ted moment and then said: -
"You rather bold over me, pard.
l reckon l can't call that hand. Ante
and pass the buck"
"How? l beg pardon. What
did l understand you to say?"
"Well you've rather got the
bulge on me. Or maybe we've both
got the bulge somehow. You don't
smoke me and l don't smoke YOU
One of the boys has passed in his
checks, and we want to give him a
good send-off., and so the thing
Pm on now is to route somebody to
jerk out n little chin music for us
and waltz him through handsome
"My friend | seem to grow more
and more bewilderd. Your obscr
vations are wholly incomprehensi.
bic to me. Cannot you simplify
them some way? At first l thought
perhaps ! understood you, but now
/ grope. Would it not expediat.
matters if you restricted yourself tt
categorical statement of the fact un
incumbcrcd with obstructing accu
mutations of metaphor and allego
ry?"
Another pause, and more rcficc
ton. Then Scotty said:
"I'll have to pass, | Judge"
"IIow?"
"You've raised me out, pard."
81 still fail to catch your mean
ing"
"Why, that last lead of yourn il
too many for me-that's the idea,
can't neither trump nor follow suit.
The clergyman sank back intt
his chair perplexed. Scotty leane,
his head on his hand, and gav'
himself up to reflection. Present
ly his face became sorrowful but
confident.
"I'vc got it now, SOS you can saw
wy" said he. "What we want is
gospcl-sharp. See?"
"a What!' ] &
"Gospel-sharp, parson."
ooh why did you not say SO be