The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-01-26
Humorous.

the truth?
An unlucky chap replied, on being
asked what he cleared on certain
speculation, " Nothing but my pock-
ets.o
An enterprising Texan knocked down
man, was arrested, got bail, shot
two lawyers, and left town, all in 54
minutes.
A Western journal offers this induce.
ment "All subscribers paying in ed
vance will be entitled TO a first class
obituary notice in case of DEATH"
In reply to an exchange that old age
is to be respected, the Boston Trdpeiter
says: Much depends upon whether we
find it in poultry"
"Never mind the obituary, judge"
said Montana culprit when the court
became pathetic in pronouncing the
sentence. "Let's fix the time for the
funeral.o
"Gerty, my dear" said a teacher to
one of her pupils, "you have been a
very good little girl to-day" "Yes'm,
couldn't help being good l had
stiff neck" said Gerty, with perfect
seriousness.
"What makes your cows so cross ?"
said an old lady to the milkman the
other day. Gross, ma'am? They are
the gentlest things in the world"
"Well, the milk is always sour" the
matron replied, sharply.
A sailor at the Brooklyn navy yard
explained to curious landsman the
other day how prize money is divided.
at is sifted through a ladder" he said.
tENUhat fol thrnnnh To tho pfHparl.
what sticks the sailors get"
A gentleman in Danbury Conn.,, has
had laudable perseverance enough to
take the Temperance pledge eightythree
times and break it eighty-two.
An Oswego brakeman went to sleep
in church, and electrified the deacon
who took up the collection by remark
ing, drowsily: "That's all right; l
work on this road
A young man having a late railroad
disaster in mind, has broken his en-
gagement with young lady because
she is negligent about her train, and
does n ot mind her switch.
A man being found at La Cross,
Wis, with seven stabs in his back, the
coroner's jury brought in a verdict of
probable murder A very cautious
jury.
"Who is that gentleman, my little
MANI" was asked of an urchin. THAT
one with spiked tailed coat?' "Yes,"
was the response. "Why, he's brevet
uncle Of mine." "How's that?' was
asked. "Cause he's engaged to my
Aunt Mary"
s,fa Anricffo
store in Boston to buy rose bud for
his afiianced. Seventy-five cents was
the price asked. "Will it keep?' in-
quired the young man. "Oh, yes, q
long while" "Then you may keep it,
Exit young man.
Young Gent: "Might l ask you,
miss-ah-" Miss: "Very sorry, sir,
but l am engaged for the next three
Dances" SIT is not dancing-ah-it is,
it is-beg your pardon, miss; you are
sitting ON my hat!"
HINTS FOR KEEPING BoARDERs.
| In buying roast beef, remember that
roast beef, tew be bully, must be tuff.
Be kerful how yu soke yure makrel;
too much sokeing takes the chaw out"
The Chicago Repu6hoan, unable to
appreciate poetry of the highest order,
cruelty says of a recent fire poet" that
'if anybody knows this poet and will
kill him, we will cheerfully publish the
obituary notice free"
An angry Western editor wrote to a
poetical correspondent the other day {:
"lfyCu don't stop sending to me your
abominabIe poetry, I'll print piece of
it some day, with your name appended
| in fnll nn1 Gar1 a IN oal
The poetry from that fountain quickly
dried up.
A sea captain, invited to meet the
committee of a society for the evangel-
ization of Africa, when asked: "Do the
subjects of King Dahomey keep Sun
day ?" replied. "Yes, and everything
else they can lay their hands on"
a gentleman was seen a few days
after Thanksgiving walking quietly
down Main street, Buffalo, with a small
placard on his back inscribed, "Choice
Poultry inside" He says he will be
very careful how he leans against any
thing near provision store after this.
Small boy, on tip,top, to his compan-
Ions: "Shee! stop your noise, ,all of you"
Companions: "Hello, Tommy, what's
the matter ?" Small boy "We've got
a new baby; it's very weak and tired
walked all the way from heaven last
night; mustn't be kicking up row
here now"
There has been an item going around
about hen in Boston laying eggs Sc
small that twenty.one of them were
) put in collar box at once. That look
ed like pretty small business for an abl,
| hnninn hon until tho Of hs
story was discovered. He said it was
horse.cOllar box he meant.
y farmer near Nashua, n. H., recent
ly bargained his farm to another farme
for $4,000, but when the day and the
purchaser arrived informed him thai
his wife was in Mysteries about the
4 trade, and he guessed he would bach
!. out. But" said the purchaser, :"
1 have come long distance, want th
= farm and must have it. How mucl
Il more would induce you to sell p
: "Well," replied the agriculturist, "giv
a me $3.50 more, and let her cry.'
AN ice merchant in Green which, VIII
!, had been watching his pond all winte
It with almost prayerful interest in hop
e OF freeze, visited it recently after
n sharp, cold night, stepped on the ice
and finding that it would bear hin
exclaimed, "Thank God ~ Going sti
further on the pond, he exclaimed
/ more fervently, "Thank God ~ But, o
# venturing a tritle further, and going u
. TO his neck, he calculated, louder an
% heartier than ever, "D-n the ice"
| PATRIK saw a bull paving in fiel,
and thought what fun it would be
jump over, catch him by the horns, ar
Y rub his nose in the dirt. The idea WI
p so funny that he lay down and laughe
> to think of it. The more he thought
d it the funnier it seemed, and he d
termined to do it. Bovus quickly tosse
him over the fence again. SOmewh
No bruised, Patrick leisurely picked hin
" selfup, with the consolatory reflectio
- 'Well, it's q mighty fine thing / ht
y my laugh foorstr
!, A professor in certain college h,