Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1872-04-26
HumOr.

A clean shirt is one of woman's best gifts
10 man.
The bill we all receive with pleasure
bill of fare.
Proyerb: A thorn in the bush is worth
two in the hand.
What class of women are apt to give tone
to society The bellies
A delicate parcel to be sent by mail-a
young lady wrapped up in herself.
An old saying is that whether man
marries or not, he is sure to regret it.
Every woman is in the wrong until she
cries-and then she is in the right, imme-
diately.
Where ought we always find the milk Of
human kindness? In the pale of the
church.
A western woman in advertising her run
awoy husband says: "David has scar Oh
his nose where I scratched it,
A darkey says, "all men are made of
clay and like meerchaum pipes are more
valuable when highly colored."
Barnum's cannibal from FIJI says 'Be
jabers, he'll not stand being stared at for tin
dollars wake dye mind, now?''
The girls in old times didn't behave any
better than they do nowadays. Even the
Old Testament tells how Ruth followed the
Boaz around.
Some young men are little partial to
blue-eyed maidens, others like dark.eyed
lasses, but the mon.eyed girls have the
greatest number Of admirers.
A little girl, asked her sister, what was
chaos, that papa read about? The elder re-
piled that ''that sit was great pile Of moth
ing and no place to put it in"
A lady asked gentleman, who was suf.
fering with influenza, MY dear sir, what
do you take for your cold ?
Give pocket-handkerchiefs day, ma'am."
A letter writer describing ball, says the
features which made the deepest impression
Oh him was the unusual number of very
plump women foaming over the top Of their
dresses.
A widower being asked his opinion Of
second marriages, said that as good wife
was gift from the Lord, it was wise and
right to replenish as often as the supply
gave out.
A Daubury German is named Wachsch-
leighemshamel. How would you like to
stand on back stoop, with the therrsoneter
II degrees below zero, ana call that fellow
to breakfast.
An old topper being asked one day why he
persisted in drinking, replied, "Dry makes
me drink, drink makes me drunk, and drunk
makes me dry again" The explanation
was considered quite sufficient.
An inveterate bachelor, being asked by
sentimental young Miss, why he did not Sc
cure some fond ones company in his voyage
on the ocean Of life be replied, L would, il
[ were sure such an ocean would be pacific.
A preacher out in Iowa, whose gre
cation took up a contribution for him in
small change remarked as he pockcted the
gift, well let her pass this time, but re-
member this widows mite business is play
ed out herep
A Painter. being asked to estimate the
cost of painting certain house, drew forth
pencil and paper and made the following
calculation ; "a nought is nought; three
into five twice you can't; I'll paint your
house for fifty dollars"
II is reported that some hat juvenile
dandy said to fair partner at ball:
'tMiss, don't you think my moustaches
ere becoming?'
well, sir, they may be coming, but
they have not yet arrived
A story is told of youthful member of
the bar at St. Adams, who plunged into
glowing exordium in presenting his case, in
which be declared that '.when we look back
upon the untrodden paths Of the future, we
behold the footprints of an Almighty hand"
A gentleman in search of man to do
some work, met on his way highly re.
spectacle lady, not as young as she once was,
and asked her, scan you tell me where |
can find man ?" mo, cannot, for have |
been looking these twenty years for one my.
SELF"
A little boy, returning home from church
was asked by his mother to give the text
After a short pause, the little fellow replied
Il don't hardly remember, but it was some.
thing about hawk between two pigeons"
The text was, "Why halt ye between two
opinions"
One evening in company, during CONVEX.
sation, gentleman quoted the expression,
that Man proposes, and God disposes. p
eyes," said maiden present "a man pro.
posed to me once, said no, and have not
seen him since, so thought somebody had
disposed of him.
Willie, bright seven year old of Staun-
ton, was asked by his mother, a few days
since, question in one of the nonsensical
biographies, why do you live on the Wes-
tern hemisphere I? because l amt big
enough to get on the other one, reckon"
was his prompt reply.
CROSSING THE PoNs Ass1NoRuM.
was called up, in reviewing Geometry. at
at the old Academy, Stanton, years ago.
and not having looked at his lesson, put on
bold face and went it with looseness on
the "Pons Assinorum" and came out in bad
order and greatly demoralized, the teacher
intimating that he was the ssbiggest Assino-
rum that ever attempted to cross that ia. |
nous bridge. AS he returned to his seat,
shaking his head, he muttered to his friend
"Dad' confdentially, ''that he knew he
didn't know the COMPOUNDED thing and was
fool for trying" dad" had sympa-
thetic heart, but labored under difficulty