The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1872-10-11

ABOUT the CALCULATION or men anu Idls
going crooked?"
"Mice and men, Burns says" ! an
swered.
We'll, mice and rats is all one, and
so is men and fools sometimes, AS 1 have
| found out in my travels. was so sure
| she would have me that l went oil and
spent all my money for fine clothes,
| thinking | would have them ready for
the wedding-and l did Confound
that widow, | say Confound all wild.
| ows Thursday evening came at last,
although il was a long time about it,
and over | went. dressed into fits, and
feeling as big as Josh Raynor did when
he was elected coroner. | got there
about dark and found right smart
crowd collected, which was not on the
bills, but felt as big and as good as the
rest of 'em. So | marched in like q
blind mule into potato patch, and
took a seat by the fire. | didn't see
anything of the widow, but | kept look.
ing for her TO come in or send for me,
and passed away the time cussin' the
crowd TO myself, thinking they had no
business there, and would not get to
talk to my woman a bit. Presently the
door opeued, and in walked Polly and
| the ad-burned doctor and a whole
team of boys and girls fixed up savage.
! w, | tell YOU. / looked around for
! fiddler, thinking they were about to
have a ball, but | wondered what they
all kept so still for, and was about pro-
posin q reel, when up gifts a little
preacher, and before you could swallow
To-, l., h,, IL
tor married faster than a Mexican
greaser could tie bulls horns. | was
so completely fummuxed that | set
there with my mouth open like | was
going TO swallow the whole crowd, and
my eyes looked like billiard balls TIL
the ceremony was over when jumped
up and beloved
81 forbid the concern from being con.
stitutedr'
"You are little TOO late, my friend"
says the preacher; and they all com.
menoed laughing like they had seen
something funny.
"I'li be burned swizzled If | don't be
soon enough for somebody yet, said |;
for | was mad, Squire, and no mistake
in the ticket. do believe | could have
eat up that doctor quicker than hun.
cry dog could swallow a squirrel skin, if
| could have had fair chance at him.
1t was too bad, after had fixed up 10
marry her myself, for her to walk right
out under my eyes and marry that great
baboon."
- 1t was bad, that is fact" said I.
Bad!' cried he. at was meaner
than eating fried coon. | first thought
I'd go straight nome, but then l con.
cluded that wouldn't spite nobody, SO |
concluded to stay and see if | could not
get satisfaction out Of somebody. You
know I'm the devil to get myself or
somebody else into scrape when take
notion, and I'd taken one that night
that went all over me ike a third day
chill; so commenced o studyin' out
some plan. | recollected hearin' the
doctor say that where he come from
but the Lord only knows where that
was-thc bride and groom always wash
ed their faces together before they went
to bed, as a charm against inhdelity or
imbecllity, or some other long word.
While | was studyin' about that, spied
the doctors saddle bags setting in the
corner so | waited till they went in TO
supper, and then | got the bags and
looked 10 see what | could discover.
Nearly the first thing saw was stick
of lunar caustic. | slipped it into my
pocket, for had my plan as soon as
saw it. Well, | watched around till /
saw one of the girls 20 to the pail with
the pitcher; SO | went out and asked
her what she was gcing TO do with it.
She said she was going TO carry it to
the room for the doctor and Polly TO
wash their faces in. kept talking to
her while she was filing the pitcher,
and when she turned her head drop.
ped the caustc into It, 1t wa5 then
about bedtime, and | got my hat and
put out, but | couldn't help laughing
all the way home, whenever I'd think
about it next morning.
Dwell, Squire, they do say that when
that couple walked up the next morning
they both had the hardest kind of its,
each one thinking they had been sleep
ing with niger. Oh, it was rich lie
q cussin' and tearin' up things, and she
a .creamin' and faintin', and comm too,
aud goin' off again, and me not there
10 see it. They made such a rascally
racket that the folks broke into the
room to see what was the matter, and
there they was with their faces and
hands as black as the insid0 of a stove
pipe. I'd give half my interest in t'other
world just TO have been at some safe
place where l could have seen the row.
As soon as they found that they were
the same folks that married the night
before, they called for warm water and
soap, but just here the doctor happened
TO think about the pitcher, and took it
to the door 10 see what was the matter.
There was a little piece OF caustic that
had not dissolved, and as he saw it he
says:
"' It's no use washing Polly. All the
soap in New York city can't wash that
black Off
."That was the truth, Squire. Soap
and water had no more effect than 1t
would on q native born African, and all
the chance was to wait and let it wear
off. How long it took them TO get white
again | never found out but one thing
| do know" he concluded, getting UP
TO 60 out, "the next time | saw the