Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1872-05-29
A MUSCULAR HYPOCHONDRIAC.

WeH-meaning moralists and young
curates, and in fact, ali persons addict
ed to the abuse of metaphorical Ian
guage, are little hard Oh feminine
beauty. They can never touch on the
vanity, brevity and superficiality OF
things IN general, without pointing
their dull platitude by the most un-
fair illusions and comparisons to the
fair sex. No doubt the perfect bloom
of all these endearing young charms
is soon impaired, but beauty is not the
only thing which culminatesto decline.
Other charms than those of beauty
have a scarcely less ephemeral dura-
ton. The charms of muscle, for IN
stance, the glory of the calf.
ssThat play of lungs inspiring, and again
Respiring freely the fresh air, that makes
Swift pace steep ascent no toi."-
all these are things which endure in
their glory and perfection but for a
season. base, seaside season. Why,
then, can we not have a little variety in
our teachers parallels Why not leave
the epidermis of the fair and have an
occasional tilt at the muscle of the
strong? Granted that our dear enslay-
ers may be none the worse for an oc-
casionai reminder that their empire is
lim1ted-in time for it is feeting and
in space, for it is but skin deep. But,
O Hercules do not our {" barbarized
athletes need q word in season, too
Possibly the ball room belle set toe
high value on her charms, and is toe
deeply cast down by their decline: but
not her emotions, when she feels that
she is budding wa1l-fower, not the
depression of the gentleman in Words
worth, I" who daily travels further from
the east, y not the forlorn misery
of the love-sick Guppy can ap-
proach the pathetic desola-
tion of the athlete, who feels that he is
increasing in the aOrong place. To feel
that the days are at hand in which he
shall no more emulate the baboon on
the trapeze, or the flea on the vaulting-
bar; that he must soon abjure the rect
angular delights of standing at ninety
degrees to chair a: that he can no more
hang on bar by his toes or the back
OF his neck that, in short, he must
soon abandon the high pedestal, from
which he has hitherto contemned his
less fortunate because fabbier fellow
creatures, is to feel reduced to elevel
of retired puglist, whose example he
may almost as well foil )w, and open a
public house. Henceforth nothing can
effectually assuage the melancholy OF
the ex-gladiator, but such transient
CLEANS of sunshine as gid his blighted
life when he is Judge or starter at some
athletic meeting but even then he
feels that he is only sort of male chap
eron, ard the reflection is full of bitter
ness.
[ do not thus borrow the language OF
the preacher because [ have felt in my
own case how bitter it is to retire into
private life. Personlly [ am not muscu-
lar, nor ever was. L have always been
able to pass a fifty-six puond weight
without the slightest desire to push il
up from the shoulder: I have ALWAYS
been perfectly continent in the matter
of dumb-bells and Indian clubs. TC
scul from the barges to Sanford, with
an occasional fantasia in Il scratch four
was the extent of my powers and the
summit of my ambition. Twas rather
thinking Of-or at-my Did college
chum, Joe Rullock, with whom [ was
spending few days a short time since.
In our old Oxford days, Joe was to
me sort of self-appointed committee
or keeper, considering it his mission to
1nterpose his brawny person between
me and all sorts of imaginary dangers
and so, in course of time anne to play
academic Phil. Squod to his Captain
George; [ used to steer him to Iffiey,
to measure his throws with the ham
mer, or take his times when he ran al
the Marston ground. In short, he
| loved me because he looked on me as
so helpless and though
I am not really feebler than Doc.
tor Bedd's average mnn-and
loved him that he did pity me. I did,
indeed. sometimes endeavor TO protest
against this mild and benevolent des
potlsm, but he always waived me of
with, ''Pooh my dear fellow, leave il
to me; you know you are not strong. ;
What made my tame acquiescence il
this bondage the mo- ridiculous was
that l was Joe'S sen or in wears and
standing. 1t was til refore, but nat
ural that, when [ put on my gown, ]
! should leave my protector behind me-
But this natural course of events
troubled him greatly, and caused hin
as deep a pang as hen who rears 6
duck feels when her protege takes tc
the water. But I went my way, an6
left Joe in a hallow of cricket, and lone
throws, and tremendous puts, life %
incredible hardship on raw meat. bnt
perfectly recompensed by his inches
around the chest, and his general,
lumpy and tuberous condition, and the
unanimous commentators of fine
sporting press.
len years elapsed between the bro
logue and the next act [ had bee,
serving my country in India, and Joe