The Daily state journal. [volume] (Alexandria, Va.) 1868-1874, 1872-12-19
HUMOROUS ITEMS.


the composition Of puddingstone.
--Talleyrand, speaking Of 9 we'l-known
lady. said emphatically, "She is insutfera-
ble!" Then, as ii relentlng, be added,
''But that is her only fault"
--Volteire's definition of physician is:
San un 'ortunateg leman, expected every
day TO perform miracle; namely, to re-
concile health with intemperance.'
Sydney Smiths definition of the Popish
Ritual Posture and imposture, Elections
and genuhecLlons, bowling to the right,
courtseying to the left, and an immense
amount Of Fnan-rnillnery.
One day when Mrs. partington heard |
the minister say there would be nave in |
the new church, she observed that "she |
knew who The party was"
An aesthetic house-paintsr has con-
ceived the idea Of painting the exterior OF
houses with semblances Of ivy. He expects
opposition from the sparrows.
The Harpcrs are said to be utilizing an
oyerstock OF railroad maps by sending them
over the country to contidng subscribers
50 their Bazar as fashion patterns.
An instance Of throwing ones self
about was witnessed few evenings ago Al
party in the case of young lady, who,
when asked to sing, first tossed her head
and then pitched her voice.
"A doctor, like everybody else at this
season, went out for q days sport, and
complained of having killed nothing.
''rnat's the consequence Of having neg
lscted your business" observed his wife.
"A Danbury inebriate whipped his wife
Saturday morning, and went home drunk
EI,- trifs h,r m
OF fire 70 heap upon his head, poured his
ear full OF pepper sauce. lie appeared to
be Just as we'll satisfied.
--PuRch illustrates the odiousness of
comparisons: Mrs. ca really must
give cook warning, Charles She does use
such very bad words! I" Mr.. G.-"Really.
dear! What sort Of words are they 2"
Airs. G.--'O--yell--the same as you
use !"
A young lady at recent fashionable
church wedding in New York seated her
self on the back of pew for better obser-
walton. but seriously interrupted the
ceremony by an involuntary somersault
and attempt to stand on her head 10 the
pew just behind.
When q gentleman once remarked in
company how very literally those persons
away, who are least apt to give anything
themselves, Sydney Smith replied: ''Yes
no sooner does A fall into difficulties than
b begins to consider what q ought TO do
for him."
--latest from Dundee. Where readers
will be happy to know the Maids Rebellion
has revived IN great force.) Mstress-"I
did not ring, Mary!7 Mary-''I know
yhat tpllty, but I y,ps naming in fhe
kitchen, | thought I'd come and sit BIZ
With you.0
PITY the Poor Teacher.n Teacher
"And what are the four quarters Of the
world ?'
First Pupil-"Pleaso, teacher, air, earth
fire and water"
Second Pupil (eagerly)-"No, teacher
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.o
"A jubilant Wisconsin Republican
wrote two letters Immediately after the
election one to his son consisting Of the
singIe word "Hurrah !" and the other
letter of coincidence TO dear friend who
had lost his wife. In his excitement, he
mixed the envelopes, and the result can be
imagined, when the bereaved widpwer re-
celved the wrong letter.
--A party who proposes to publish .
log extracts from the forthcoming work
PAIN sauce-an interview with railway
clerk. To make a good jam--ask any
horse car conductor. To boil tongue
drink gcalding coffee. To make gooC
broil-lesYe q letter from one of YOU
sweetheartg where your wife can fine
it,D
tom Mast tells this good story o.
himself to an interviewing reporter: '0ns
day last summer | received a genuine
proposition Of marriage from an admirine
young lady in OHIO, in which she referred
10 General Schenck and ex-Goyernor Den
nison as TO her POSITION" "What die
you do 2" "Why, sent back q cartoon
Of Mrs. Mast and the children, labelled
the only objections ,"
The paper having the largest circula.
ton---the paper of tobacco. Paper fol
the roughs-san and paper. Paper containing
many line points--the paper of needles,
Ruled paper--the French press. The paper
that is full of rows-the paper of pins,
bplrItuilst's paper = (w)rapping paper.
Drawing papeT--the dent,st's bill. A tax.
ing paper--sherrff Is warrant. The paper
that most resembles the reader-'tis you
(tssue) paper.
Lines discovered by the church re.
porter in the 1y-eaf OF hymn-book:
Sing on, o rapturous singer
AMI pause between each line,
To look where fond ewes liuger
Upoa thy form dlsine''
The church reporter was so overcome by
the discovery that he could only add by
way Of signature, 81. FLAT. Chicago
Pulpit.
file Dirt Of Conversation. Big Mr..
Hawkins tremendously l-"Do you know,
Mr.. Jswkins, it has often struck me thai
one mans food may DO another mau'E
poisoh2'
Little Mr.. Jawkins (nore seutentiously,
well, wont 90 so far as TO say that
ar. hawkins. But l am certainly Of
opinion that what may prove eminently
beneficial to the health--a-of one individ.