Ashtabula weekly telegraph. [volume] (Ashtabula, Ohio) 1853-1873, 1872-11-30
The Josh Billings Papers.
GOOD REzoLrsnUNs FOR 1872 AND 1873

GOOD REZoLCSilUNS FOR 1872 AND 1873.
That wont smoke emmy more cigars,
only at somebody clse's expense.
That wont bUrry nor lend-espeshily
lend.
That will live within my inkum, if
| hev tew get trusted tew do it.
That will be polite lew every body
except muskeeters and bed bugs.
That wont advise emmy boldly, until
kno the kind ov advice they are anx-
iJus tew follow.
That wont wear emmy more tite
boots, if hev tew go barefoot tew do
it.
That wont eat emmy more chicken
soup with one-tinel fork.
That i wont swop dogs with no man
unless kan swap two Tor one.
That | wont objekt to emmy man on
ackount ov his color, unless lie happens
lew be- blue.
That wont sware emmy, unless am
put under oath.
That won't beleave in total deprayity
only in gin at shilings a gallon.
That poverty Is blessing, but, ifi is,
IL III Il uICSSIIlS
That will take mi whiskey hereafter
straight-straigbt to the gutter.
That the world owes me living-pro-
vded earn it.
That / will stick tew mi taylor az long
az he will stick tew me.
That i wont swop emmy hosses with
deakon.
That no man shall beat me in polite
ness, not SO long az politeness kontinues
tew be az cheap as 1t is now.
That | wont hav emmy religious kreed
miset, but will respekt every body
else's
That if lovely woman smacks me on
one check, will turn her the other also.
That it man kalls Inc a phool, wont
ask him to prove it.
That will lead moral life, even il
lose a good deal ov phun by it.
That if man tells me mule wont
Xix, will Leleave what he says without
t'ieing it.
That if emmy boldly loozes even a
goose will weep with him, for 1t is
tough bizncss tew looze a goose.
That if ever do get hen that kan
lay eggs a day, i shall Insist upon her
keeping one of the eggs on hand for a
sinking phund.
That il is no disgrace TO be bit hi dog
unless he duz it the scckond time.
That it iz Just as natral tew be born
rich as poor, but it IL seldom so conven-
lent.
That one ov the riskyest things tew
straddIe il the bak of a 80 day noat.
That the best time tew repent ov a
blunder iz just before the blunder IL
made.
Tha. will try hard tew be honest ;
but it will be just mi darn LUX tew miss IL.
That wont grow any kats. Spon-
tanyous kats have killed the bissnPss.
That i will love mi mother-in-law if it
takes all the money kan ern tew do 1t.
That beleave real good lies are git
ting skarser and skarser evry day.
That i will respekt publik opinyun
Just az long AZ kan rcspekt myself in
doing it.
That when hear a man braging on hiz
ancestors, wont envy him, but will
pity the ancestors.
That wont beleavc in emmy ghost or
ghostesses, unless they weigh about lao
pounds, and kan eat Il good square meal.
That wont bet on nothing, for things
that require betting cn lack sumthing.
That will brag on mi wife all the
time, butt will do it silently.
That wont be surprised at anything,
not even tew he told that Ben Franklin
waz a spendlhrift, or that lazarus died
ritch.
That will dispize most things that
see, not out OF malice, but out of wis
dun.
That wont banker for happiness, but
if see emmy that ! think IL bargin
will shut up one eye and go for II.
That wont wish waz az pure az
King David, but that j was purer than
am.
That wont kovet emmy mans wife
nor his oxen, nor his kornstalks, nor the
color of hiz mustash.
That will laff every good chance
kan git, whether it makes me phat Oh
not.
Finally, will sarch for things that are
little, for things that are lonesum, avoid
ing all torch lite proseshnns, bands ov
brass music, wimmiu's rights couven
tions and grass widders generally.
TT -. I'LL honnan that tho, inoonvani