The Emporia news. [volume] (Emporia, Kan.) 1859-1881, 1872-06-14
ENDS OF THE EARTH.
If man is mister-y a woman is
MISERY.

- DIR. Bartol says the real thief
the world is he who consumes mo-
than lac produces
There is not whisky shop in 81
lem, North Carolina, and there h,
been but one fire there for ninet
i years.
n The mothers heart gives 4th 10
e at the baby's Ist 9th.
The smartest boy in Indiana live
4 in Jacksonville. He was preseI
at the marriage of his father an
b mother.
y 1t is announced that DetrOiteI
e who fear hydrophobia are donnin
e their summer trOwsers of shee
e iron.
! Some people act as if their debt
were like coffee, and would settl
/ themselves in time by standing.
There are 100000 bottles of Ca
: tawba WING in Cincinnati cellars
What place for conventions.
a Norfolk, Virgins, paper sets i
, down as an axiom: "Loye of ofifc
is the foundation of political princi
, pies"
a good little boy in Ohio gather
J ed enough chestnuts last fall TO buy
q sewing machine for his widowed
mother.
Professor Agasslz has discovered
new worm in the straits of MaGel.
Ian. Scientific poultry is cackhng
over it.
A Frenchman said of Shake
speare, cyan you find angling you
no understand, it is always some
zing fine"
An artist painted cannon so
naturally, that when he was finish
ing the touch-hole it went off-at q
very good price.
An eastern journalist who is per-
fectly bald, has offered reward of
$1,000 for a tale that will make his
hair stand on end.
To become the lion of a party it
is not necessary to make a beast of
ones self.
Smiggles says he don't care if he
is getting seedy tits the proper
thing in spring time.
A colored preacher, lining out a
hymn from memory, said:
plunged in a gulf OF dark despair,
Ye wretched SinueTs-come out of dar."
81 believe in going to the bottom
of things" as the schoolmarm said
when she laid refractory pupil
across her knee.
A Missouri murderer, sentenced
to be hanged, offers TO shoot George
Francis Train if the Governor will
pardon him. His proposition is
worthy of consideration.
A California editor has bought q
mule, and @ brother editor chron-
icIes it as a remarkable instance of
self-possession.
A misanthropic paragraphist
writes: "The touching spectacle of
boy leading home his drunken
parent was witnessed at Burlington,
Iowa, last week. The progress was
slow, however, as the boy was con-
siderably the drunken of the two"
In a recent debate a member of
the California legislature exclaim-
ed: "The honorable gentleman
from Claveras county is undoubted-
ly person of great abilities, a man
of talent, a natural born genius;
but there is one thing 1 defy him to
do, and that is to bite the bottom
out of a frying-pan without smut
ting his nose"
A preacher stopped short in the
pulpit, it was in vain that he scratch
ed his head, nothing would come
out. "My friends" said he, "ss he
quietly walked down the pulpit
stairs, 81 pity you; you have just
lost a fine discourse"
An old Scotch lady was told that
her minister used notes; she did
not believe it. Said one: GO into
the gallery and see." She did so
and saw the written sermon. At
ter the luckless preacher had con-
cluded his reading on the last page,
he said: "But l will not enlarge"
The old woman called out from her
lofty position "Ye Gamma, ye Gamma,
for yer papers give oot!"
We find the following healthy
item in the river column of the
Memphis Avalanche: In the coErse
of an interview, yesterday, between
General Cheatham and one of his
soldiers, Major c., the General ask
ed the Major: GLOW many child
rem have your" II have nine mod
Ostly answered our friend, ''and
would have had but eight had it not
been for YOU" "How's that ?" ask
ed the General, somewhat surpris-
ed. 81 was indebted to your kind
ness for furlough!" The General
saw it.
Undertook, Illinois, possesses
the champion preacher. A few Sun
days since, he had preached an clo-
quenC sermon, and at the conclusion
exhorted his hearers to embrace the
opportunity presented. None came
forward, and after waiting some
time, the minister said. raising his
voice 10 the highest pitch: "Well,
sit there and be dannedw On the
same Sunday he called out to the
janitor: "Open that window; 1
don't like to preach in barrel with
the bung drove in"
MARY" said an old Cumberland
father to his daughter, when she
was once asking him to buy her
new dress, "why dost thou always
tease me when 1 am quietly smok-
ing my pipe 2" Because ye are al
WAYS best natured then, feyther,"
was the reply. 81 believe, lass,
thou'rt rect" rejoined the farmer;
for when I was lad l remember
my poor feyther was the same; az
ter he had smoked pipe or twee,
he Wad ha glen his head away if it
had been loose"
The weeping willow has q roman
tic history. The first scion was
sent from Smyrna in box of figs
to Alexander Pope. General Clin-
ton brought shoot from Pope's
tree to America, at tn q time of the
Revolution, which, passing into the
hands of John Parke Custis, was
planted on his estate in Virginia,
thus becoming the prog enitor of the
weeping willow in this country.
There was a little Biddeford boy
who put a lighted match into q
nearly empty powder keg to see
what would happen. His curiosity
is entirely satisfied, bat the girl who
sat next to him in school thinks he
Hooked better with his nose ON.
A chemist announces his ability
and Readiness to convert the re-
mains of any dear departed at once
into 8 powder, which may be used
to dry up ink IN writing. Droll
idea 10 dredge away a mother-in-
law in daily correspondence
The following telegram was sent
to the Burtie House, at Davenport,
i Iowa, by the conductor of the train
which carried Red Cloud and his
fortunes: "Fifty-fve passengers
for breakfast: twenty-seven indian