The Portland daily press., 1872-04-02
THE PR ESS,



Were you ever vaccnated? we doil mean
in the DAYS of swaddlng clothes, when every
babv COO that YOU uttered called forth re-
sponsiye coo from papa, mamma, nurse, Bet
ty. Bridget everybody in the house; when
YOUR least-est little-est mite of pain was
magnifed to an acre of aches, when s'baby's
vaccination" was the theme for weeks be-
forehand and weeks afterward. No; we
mean since you came upon the stage of &C
tive, busy life, and have learned that, ache or
no ache, you must be at your post, and not
lie by when you have a little pain in your lit
tie finger, or a very big pain in your very big,
unwieldy left arm. Take the offending MEM
Der when it has reached its eighth or ninth
day since the operation, and the chances of
having ''good arm" have steadily and re-
morselessly increased to a grand crescendo,
which at last burst into veritable "swellp
o, the agony Of being among people about
this time! You have an engagement at the
opera. You can't plead off, your excuse
would seem so trifing. $50,
You go, take your seat, and await, in fear
and trembling, the arrival of your left-hand
neighbor. He comes. A big man, of the
kind that nervously digs into his pockets
without the slightest warning, and, owing to
the angular construction of the human arm
every dive into his pockets with his fingers
entities you to at least one thrust from his
elbow, which, made at an angle of fifty-five
degrees, makes certain spot on your left arm
the apex of the triangle, and the immediate
object Of his disagreeable attentions. In vain
Parepa MARBLES and the opera goes on! Your
thought is one-half given to the pumping
propensities of your neighbor, one-half to your
poor arm. Query: How much is left for the
opera?
In the crowded streets you are in direful
plight. "Keep to the right as the law di-
rectsv' is an ordinance that is wonderfully
well observed. You never noticed how well
before. The people you meet you can dodge
with reasonable success; but, o, the dreadful
creatures that overtake you from behind
You can't get your arm protected from them.
A bundle boy passes you with tremendous
punch, a Latin school-boy digs his book into
your arm, and the tears almost come into
your eyes. You are sure that the next as
sault will make you scream, or faint away, if
you know how. But, by dint of much ingen-
ious selfishness, you reach your destination,
un'armed, determined to forsake the vain
world, and become hermit for at least twen-
ty-four hours-which resolution you bravely
do not keep.
When alone you find yourself tending the
arm-ful1 of ache as if it were a CRYING baby.
and the more you tend it the more it don't
feel any better Sometimes, in company
in society is the approved term-you are
upon the point of coaxing this belligerent
charge OF yours, when you become aware of
the awkwardness of the gesture, become con-
'scious, embarrassed and ill at ease. You
never before knew how demonstrative your
friends were; what delightful ways they have
OF grasping youby both arms, especially the
tgt! OF hanging upon your left arm, of pull
ing your left sleeve, Of giving school girl pinch
es OF the upper left arm, until you are sure
you will have no left arm, and no arm left!
You repeat the old line
"Thrce is he armed" etc.
and become doubly certain that you too are
thrice armed" Your left sleeve surely con-
tains two arms, solidly rolled up into one,
that one weighing as much as your entire
body. You dream of having been "interview-
ed' by Barnum with view to exhibition.
You have tender care of the unfortunate
member, and it usurps so much of your
thought that you begin to thiuk that you are
the arm, and the arm is yourself Actually
when that wagon with its hasty driver turned
the corner, and you saved yourself with
spring, your first thought was gratitude that
your arm had not been run over
In one of your frenzies you ''rush'' to the
doctor who has done this deed, Chang" on his
door, and request an interview. He receives
you so blandly that you feel that he never
knew pang like this, or he could not so
smile. He asks for the symptoms -
Symptoms !! Isn't this genuine reality !?
!mpatiently you show the huge, fevered, ach-
ing arm, and demand an answer. Yes, it is
reality! ''It is at the height, and splendid
armV' You are quite sure that he is speak
ing surgically.) But what consolation to
know that it is in its worst, that is, best es-
tate, and change will be improvement!
Your spirits tighten as your arm does. You
listen with interest to proposal now making
to erect monument to Dr. Jenner. Medi-
cally you approve of it; artistically, not; for,
as you well say, why add another stone scare
crow to the public ground of any American
city? We have more now than we can bear
to look at, more than we like to have laughed
at.-WOrcester Palladium