Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1872-08-15
Humorous Headings.


n jewel of an uncle-C Carb-uncle.
Ocular punishment-Eyela lashes.
y final report-The crack of doom.
/ The children's kingdom -Lapland-
. Improving time-Mending a clock.
Paying your water rate Buying milk.
\ wedding trip-A breach of promise.
Bayonets are driven, but bullets are
lead.
What grows bigger as you contract it ?
Debt
The greatest nutmeg ever known met
with greater.
Why is dancing like new milk Be
cause it strengthens the calves.
The fastest and slowest of our English
authors were Swift and Crabbe.
Douglas Jerrold said. Eve ate the ap-
pie that She might indulge in dress
The Chinese. with a COED deal of sar-
casm, call ceremony the smoke of
| friendship.
When did the greatest rise in milk
take place? When the COW jumped
/ over the moon.
Why does a freight car need no loco
motive: Because the freight makes the
| cargo.
! \ musical genius of this city is 50 full
of quayers that he always makes a
''stop" when he comes to a Char
\ crusty old bachelor SAYS that Adams
wife was called Eve because. when she
| appeared, mans day of happiness was
drawing to a close
\ Newfoundland dog is a good thing
to have, only one must get one or two
children and pond before he will be of
any use Josh Billings thinks.
A Quaker once hearing person tell
how much he had felt for another who
was in distress. and needed assistance.
dryly asked him: Friend. hast thou
felt in thy pocket for him ?
A lady abOut 10 marry was warned
that her intended. although q GOOD man.
was very eccentric. Well. she said. If
ne Is very unlike other men, he is more
likely to be a good husband
Said youngster in high glee. display
ing his purchase TO a bosom friend on the
sidewalk: Two cocOa-nuts for ten
cents; that will make me sick to-mor-
row, and won't have to go TO school.
Smith and Jones at a menagerie.
Conversation on Darwinism. Look AT
that monkey, said Smith: think of its
being an undeVelOped human, Humanl
said Jones, cOntemptuously it's no more
human than | am.
What are you digging there for? ask
ed loiterer of three men who were dig
glng a trench in the street. Money. Zur.
the answer came. The man watched
the operation until the joke got through
the roots of his hair, and then moved
on.
See there, exclaimed a returned Irish
soldier 10 a gaping crowd. as he exhibit
ed with some pride hat with a bullet
hole in it. Look at that hole. will you ?
You see if that it had been a lOw-crown-
ed hat, | should have been killed out
right.
I came for the saw. sir. What saucer?
Why, the saw, sir, that you borrowed.
l borrowed no saucer. Sure you did,
sir; you borrowed a saw, sir. | never
saw your saucer. But you did; there's
the saw now, sir. Oh, YOU want the
saw why didn't you say so?
An old Scotch lady had an evening
party, where a young man was present
who was about 10 leave for an appoint
ment in China. As he was exceedingly
eYtravagant in his conversation about
himself, the old lady said. when he was
leaving. TAX good care o vourseT when
We are ava for, mind We, they cat pup
pies in China.
What a nuisance! exclaimed "a gentle
man at "A concert. as young fOp lin front
"f him kept talking i'm a lond voice 10 a
3",lv at mis- side. Did vor ~.fa- to me.
~ir? thnai1ningly demanded ihe fop.
oh no; meant the nusiciaHs there.
who keep op such a noise with their in
Sfrrnrnts that | cant hear vour conYer-
sati"n. was the singing rep'y.
Chicken COMMUNICATIVE IS hen
immnftal2 Her son Hcvar sets. WHY
have chickens no hope in the futurt
They have tEcjr next world {nccks
twirIrd) I'm this. Why is ben ON a
fence like "a cent Head ou one side.
tail ,,a the other. Why don't hens Law
al night? Then they are roesters.
Why iS the first chicken of a brood like
the maimmast Of q ship? 4 little for
warl Of the main hatch. WHY is a
chicken Just hatchcd like a COWS tail
Never seen before. Why should not Il
chicken cross the road? II would be q
fowl preceding To conclude. a hen
Is poor economist. hecauSc. fer every
grain -br takes She gives peck.
The late Prince Albert once paid
yisi' - "a school. and heard The teacher
make on" of the Glasses -, through what
i termed. in the phfascology. an object
lesson Now. can you tell me anything
a1nsi h"ats was one Of the questions.
\ hrir'J little man held forth his hand.
:isa much a> To say that he could. Wei.
noH. MY hoy, said the teacher what do
vnu know? Heat expands. said the.
hny. IN the ierky style of delivery char
net risfic of his years, Heat expands
cold contracts. The teacher looked al
the priuce for approval The prince
bowed his head. AMI smiled appreciation.
The tracber. eager for more such smiles.
went on. Very good. he said. ROW give
me an Example. In summer tie days b.
are long in winter the days are short -s