Nashville union and American. [volume] (Nashville, Tenn.) 1868-1875, 1872-11-06
COUSIN SALLY BILLIARD.
story That Must Not Die.

GCousin Sally billiard" was written by
Hamilton C. Jones, of North Carolina,
nearly half century ago, and the public
can enjoy hearty laugh over It's exquisite
righteousness at least once year. 1t pur-
ports to be a report of the testimony Of
witness in a case before one Of the courts
of that State, and is as follows:
A beardless disciple Of Themis rises and
thus addresses the court: "Alay it please
your worship and you gentlemen Of the
Jury. since it has been my fortune (goodor
had. | will not say,) to exercise in legal dis
ouisitiop, it has never befallen me to be
OBLIGED to prosecute Sc diTefully marked an
assault. A more willful, violent and dan
cerous battery, and finally more dia5oli-
cal breach of the peace, has seldom ever
haLpsned 10 a civilized country, aud l dare
say h seldom has been your duty to pass
upon one so shocking to benevolent feelings
SIS this which took place over at Capt Klce's
in this county; but you will hear from the
witnesses"
The witnesses being sworn, two or three
were examined and deposed: One said that
he beard the noise, but did not see the
fight; another that he saw the row, but did
not know who struck first, and another that
he was very drunk and couldn't say much
about the skTimmage.
Lawyer Chops.-I am sorry, gentlemen,
10 have occupied your time with the stupid
ity of the witnesses examined. II arises,
gentlemen, alt gether from misapprehen-
sion on my part. Had l known as 90,
that | had q witness who was acquainted
with all the circumstances of the case, ard
who was able TO make himself understood
to the court and jury, 1 should not have
trespassed so long on your patience. Come
forw ard, Mr. Harris, and be sworn
So forward comes the witness, rat,
! chuffy old man, q "leele" coTDed, and took
his oath with an air.
Chops.-Harris, we wish you TO teu us
about The riot that happened the other day
at Captain Rjce's and as good deal Of
| time has already been wasted in clrcumIo-
cution, we wish you to be compenduous, at
the same time as explicit as possible.
Harris-Adzackly, giving the lawyer a
knowing wink, at the same time clearing
his throaG Capt. Rice he gin treat, and
| cousin Sally billiard she comes over to my
house and axed me if my wife she moutn't
20? | told cousin Sally billiard my wife
was poorly being as now she had touch OF
! rheumatism in the hip, and the big swamp
was I'd 10 the road there having been
great deal Of rain lately, but howsoeyer, az
It was size, cousin Sally billiard, my wife
she mout 60. Well cousin Sally DIlarC
then axed me if Nose he moutnt go?
told cousin Sally billiard that no was tht
| foreman Of the crap, and the crap wa
smartly in the grass, but howsoeYer, as l
was she, cousin Sally billiard, Nose HI
mout 60.
Chops.-In the name of common sense
Mr.. Harris, what do you mean by this rig
marole?
Witness Capt. Rice he gin treat, ans
cousin Sally billiard, she came over to m5
house and axed me if my wife she moulin
90? and told cousin Sally billiard
Chops.-StOp if you please; we dQn,
want to hear about your cousin SaIy Dl
lard or your wife; tell US about the hght a
Rice's. NJ
Witness.-WelI, 1 will sir, if you will lie
me.
Chops.-Well, sir, go on. =.
Witness-Well sir, Captain Rice ne 81
q treat, and cousin Sally billiard she cam
over to my house and aXed me If my VIII
and she moutn't 60.
Chops.-Here it is again. Wines
please to stop.
Witness.-Well, sir, what do you want
Chops.-We want to know about ia
6pbt, and you must not proceed IN tn
) imnartinent story. Do yoa know anythln
about the matter before the court
Witness.-To be sure l do.
Cbops.-Wen go on then, and tell
and nothing else.
Witness-WelI, Capt. Rice, he gin
treat A.
rlease the court, l move that the prisone
he committed for contempt. lie seems
he trifing with the court.
Court-Witness, you are before court
;nstice. and unless you behave yourself
q more becoming manner you will be SCI
IN i.il: so begin aud tell me what you kno
abont the fight at Rice's.
3 Witness-WeIl, gentlemen, Capt. Rl(
) no DIN a treat, and cousin Sally billiard
Tourt-(After deliberating.) Mr.. Alto
nov the court is of the opinion that we ma
? save time by letting the witness go on
lie own Way. Proceed, Mr.. Harris, wit
vour story but stick to the point:
Witness-Yes, gentlemen. Wen, Gap
Rice. he gin a treat, and cousin sally Dl
lad come over to our house and axed N
If NV wife she mOutn't go? told cous
Sally billiard that my wife she was poorl.
o being as how she had the rheumatics IN h'
q hip: and the big swamp was up; hoWsoeve
: a. al It was she, cousin Sally billiard, my WI
= She mont 90. Well cousin Sally Dlllal
a then axed me if Nose be mOutn't go.
told cousin Sally billiard as how Nose vi
= the foreman Of the crap, and the crap W
: smartly in grass, but hOwsoever, as 1t vi
g She. cousin Sally billiard, Nose he mout
So thew goes on together, Nose, my wi
, and cousin Sally Dillard, and thsy come
4 the big swamp, and 1t was up as was te
inc YOU; but being as how there was /
log across the big swamp, cousin Sally d
lard and Nose, ike genteel folks, th
n walked the log, but my wife, Ike darn
Z fool, hoisted her coats and waded throug
Chops-Heavens and earth, this is ba
If Witness-WeH, that's all 1 Eao'0 oot
Sthe fight.