The true northerner. [volume] (Paw Paw, Mich.) 1855-1920, 1872-08-30
Varieties.

WHAT is the most like horses footf
A mares
WILD oats are the only crop that
grows by gaslight.
A FLIRT's heart is like an omnibus-it
always has room for one more.
WHAT we know about the Darwin
theory-"Thereby hangs tail"
WHICH eat most grass, black sheep or
white? White, because there are more
Of them.
WHAT is that which every living be-
ing has seen, but never will see again
Yesterday.
SwIGGrFs SAYS that the most thrilling
tale he ever listened to was that OF
rattlesnake.
THE police are said to be like the
rainbow because they never appear TIL
after the storm.
THEY allude to bald-headed persons
in Colorado as ''persons with their heads
above Underline.
If you let the cat out of the bag,
never try to cram it back again; 1T only
makes matters worse.
WHY is it important for physician
to keep his temper? Because II he did
not he would lose his patients.
THE time to possess your soul in pa
tience is when your hat blows off in the
street and your eyes are too full OF dirt
to see which way it goes.
A CERTAIN minister once took for his
morning text, aye are of your father,
the devil'-and in the afternoon, un.
consciously, children, obey your pa
rents"
A MECHANIC in Vermont village put
out a placard. IL Will Not Trust No
More" whereupon his rival across the
street put over his shop door the words,
Trust Here Forever" Could COMPETE.
ton do more? r
IT was brilliant Fond du Lac boy
who, seeing a dog with muzzle on for
the first time, exclaimed: Mamma,
mamma, | bet five cents the dogs are, GO
ing to wear hoop skirts; there goes
dog with one on his nose y
THE cash value of a Chinaman's pig
tail has been judicially established in
Portland Oregon, where thirty Cauca-
slams, who had by force shorn Celestial
heather of his queue, were recently
fined $40 apiece, or 5000 in all. .,
THE other day a little boy who had
cut his finger ran to his mother and
cried, "Tie it up, ma, tie it up quick,
for the juice is all running out?" The
same urchin, on one of the late exces-
sively hot days, appealed TO his mother
for help, saying, Ma, do fix me up, for
I'm leaking all over y
"Now, my boy" said a committee.
man, ''if had mince pie and should
give two-twelfths to Isaac, two-twelfths to
Harry, two-twelfths to John, and should
take half the pie myself, what would
there be left ? Speak up loud--loud, so
that the people can hear YOU" "The
plate!"
A CONNECTICUT amateur farmer swings
the scythe with one hand and bears
aloft the trusty umbrella with the
other. The doctors are said to sit upon
the fence and watch him with unselish
interest, and even the potato-bugs drop
their implements of toll to watch the
energetic agriculturist.
SAID Anna to her lover, Augustus,
why art thou SO dull? Is there nothing
that can animate thee ?" With look
of fond and deathless devotion beaming
upon his countenance, Augustus re.
piled, "None but thee can Anna-mate
me, darling. Speak! Wilt thou?' She
spoke. and the cup of his animation
was filled to overlooking.
"CAN you lend me FIVE hundred dol.
lars ~ asked city Top of an old bank
er. "What security can you give me ~
"My own personal security" ''Very
well; get in here" said the banker, lift.
ing the lid of large iron chest. "What
do you want me TO get in there for ?"
exclaimed the fop, drawing back in
alarm. because that's where | keep
all my securities" grimly replied the
banker; whereupon the fop hastily with
drew.
A SOLDIER was seen in the trenches
holding his hand above the earthwork.
His captain asked, "What are you do
ing that for, Pat?" He replied with a
grin and a working of his fingers. III
am feelin' for a Through, surer' Just
then rifle ball struck his arm below
the wrist. Slowly drawing it down, and
grasping it with the other to restrain
the blood, u queer expression of pain
and humor passed over his face, as he
exclaimed, "An faith it's discharge ~