The aegis & intelligencer. [volume] (Bel Air, Md.) 1864-1923, 1872-06-14
VARIETIES.

Which can travel the fastest-heat or
cold? Why, heat, you Ounce! Anybody
can catch cold.
If you can but give to the fainting
soul at your door a cup of water from the
wells of truth, it shall flash back on you
the radiance ofGod. AS you save, so shall
you be saved.-Consooy.
-"Mr. Smith, I wish to speak to you o
moment, privately. Permit me to take
you apart" Smith-(who wasn't the least
bit frighteneO Certainly, sir, if you'll
promise to put me together again"
Here is q Quaker toast that has
thought in it: "This is me and mine to
thee and thine. / wish when thee and thine
come to see me and mine that me and mine
will treat thee and thine as kindly as thee
and thine have treated me and NINE"
An old Dutch acquaintance, who some
years ago was elected member of the Leg
islature, said in his broken English style,
sven vent to the Legislature, fought l
would find dem all Solomons dere; but I
find dere vas some pig as fool dere as vas"
-" Professor" said o student, in pursuit
of knowledge concerning the habits of ami
mails, "why does a cat, while eating, turn
her head first one way and then the other ~
{" For the reason" replied the professor,
"that she cannot turn it both ways at
once!"
is Miss B. at home9" asked Mr.. s
of the Irish girl who answered the ring at
the door. "Yis she is, sir" SIS she en-
gagged ?" cam is it engaged you say 2
Faith, an can't tell ye, sir; but she kiss
ed Mr.. V. last evening as she had not seen
the like Nv him, an it's engaged behave
they are, sir"
Daniel Webster once said: 81 we'll
remember O marked difference between
those of my schoolmates who had and those
who had not access to newspapers. Other
things being equal, the first were always
superior to the latter in debate, compost
tion and general intelligence"
"A girl, forced by her parents into q
disagreeable match with an old man whom
she detested, when the clergyman came to
that part of the service where the bride is
asked if she consents to take the bride
groom for her husband, said: ooh, dear,
no, sir; but you are the first person who
has asked my opinion about the matter"
Charles Matthews, going into an eat
ing house for lunch, heard, as he entered
and sat down, seven orders given in quick
succession by throng of as many custom
ers One called for a basin of ox-tail soup,
two for mock-turtle soup, three for pea
soup and one for bouilli. And the waiter,
dashing to the speaking tube that commu-
nicated with the cook, bawled out with
immense rapidity, One OK, two mocks,
three peas and bullyW
During our late war there was young
man in the army who did not join of his
own free will. He had been drafted. He
was not a brave young man; quite the
otherwise. One day during bloody bat
tie, our young friend showed such large
white feather that the captain was obliged
to threa him with his pistol in order to
keep him from running away altogether.
Then the youth began to cry. You ought
to be ashamed of YOURSELF said the cap
tain; you're no better than baby q
wish l was-a-baby,' blubbered our
hero, 'an' gal baby at that
-Jinks is clerk in a store for the sale
of laces and things. One day young and
pretty customer rendered to him in ex-
change for some laces much worn and
patched fifty cent stamp. Jinks looked al
it obviously. 1t was against the rules to
take such. His face was SO grave and his
manner so hcsitating that the pretty face
said, in the sweetest of tones:
"Would you like better half9"
"Well," stammered Jinks, his heart in
his mouth, his face crimson, I" I wouldn't
object, provided Miss, the-the-right per-
son would accept me-"
The pretty face blushed, too; but three
months latter the twain became one flesh
as above stated.
In Sparta, Wisconsin, new doctor
just arrived in town, called on the editor
ofthe village paper at midnight, in storm
to subscribe for his paper, and pay five dol
lars for the insertion of a business card.
The poor editor stood at the open door in
his shirt the rain beating against his legs
for want of accommodations in the house
for his new patron. Hunting around to
make change, in the excitement, he started
a perspiration, took cold, and was sick
The next day he had to call a physician.
OF course he patronized the new doctor
who had paid him some cash. He was
sick three weeks and had to pay the doc
tor forty-eight dollars more than he re-
ceived from him. He says that he never
will tolra N, ouau from, a 5nofor o0oip