The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1872-11-01
HUMOROUS.

Tomorrow, :o-day will be yester-
day.
"Extending your shop front into
the newspaper" Is the latest definition
for advertisement.
A lady los years old, In Kansas, has
entered a claim under the Homestead
Act"
II would not be a pig" sings
Dutch poet, "tor then could not eat
it,"
An editor, who has been soliciting
''short articles" from the subscribers OF
his paper, lately received q baby's un-
dergarment, somewhat dilapidated,
but short enough, doubtless, to meet
all requirements.
Miss Stevens, beautiful blonde
preacher, Is creating profound relig-
ious sensation in Georgia. She Il said
to make all the masculines feel like.
embracing her--doctrines.
Speaking of the danger Of catching
smallpox by handling greenbacks, a
country editor congritnlates himself
that he's safe enough.
Mrs. Partington has been reading
the health officers weekly reports, and
thinks 'total" must be an awful ma
lignant disease, since as many die oft
as of all the rest put together.
AT trades meeting the following
toast was given: 'The printer-he
beats the farmer with llis Hoe, the car
penter with hisrule, the mason in set
ting up columns; le surpasses the
lawyer and doctor In attending cases,
and beats the parson In the manage
ment of the devil"
The most polished man in Belfast,
Me-, just now is a dry goods merchant
whose wife undertook TO bathe him all
,ver with balsam for the rheumatism.
Atter the job was well done she look
d at the label OF the bottle and found
was furniture polish she had been
lsing.
A grave-digger, walking in the
treets of Windsor, the other day.
lmuced to turn, and noticed two doc
Ors walking behind him. He stopped
III they passed, and then followed Oh
ehlDd them. "And why this?" said
hey. Il know my place in this pro-
ession, ~ said he,
The man who owns the little farm
Vermont on which Horace Greeley
Us raised. offers to sell for the mod
It sum of $1,000. the old pine stump
om which ii. G. used to get torches
read by at night. Here is a chance
II speculation.
The best definition of scandal ever
ven, according to Arthur Helps, was
at of the little girl who described it
ms: "Nobody does nothing, and
goes on telling 1t every
here" This is better than dietion-
Y.
A Titllsville wife placed a toy snake
her husbands boot, aud then could
lrdIy get breakfast because of her
ic&cring at his performances when
first discovered 1t. lie first looked
to the mirror. and then went and
rev his denlijohn of rye whisky in
G mlll-Ilce. He drank thirteen cups
coffee at breakfast, and for several
yS atterward aStonislled his children.
going to bed at nine O'Clock each
yIt.
A practical man visited a peniten-
ry to see If he could gather facts to
! in temperance lecture which he
lS preparing. My friend said he
the first prisoner whom he address,
did whisky, Or ardentspirits ofany
I'd, have anything to do with bring
you herey' You bet they did, old
- How SOP why the indrt
] jury that tried me were all drunk,
They seem to be converting people
y thoroughly at Waterbury. Conn.
e -lmertcdn says; ''Of the five lady
lverts baptized by the Rev. Bailey
Sunday, three were gentlemen"
An Irish editor says he can see no
thly reason why women should not
allowed to became medical men.
IN Irish advertisement: "If the
ltleman who keeps a shoe store
h red head, will return the um-
lla OF a young lady with the ivory
Idle' he VIII hear something to her.
antage,"
San Francisco.
RY AN EASTERN VISITOR,