The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-08-09
Humorous.

A PITTsBURG person suggests paper
beefsteaks to take the place OF the lea
ther article now common at restaurants
in that city.
THE man who picked up adouble. tall
ed WASP has lost his interest in entom'
ology; he studies chemistry and sur
gerry.
The land OF Western farm Is de-
scribed as being 80 wet that the owner
hoes his corn with dipper and digs his
potatoes With hook and line.
The st. Alban's (Vt.) Messenger
thinks "sky blue Is q pretty color for
ceilings, but not 80 tasty for country
milk at eight cents quart"
A YOUNG man in Dayton is sad over
the thought that he has seven inch
lizard in his stomach. Some folks are
very particular.
A CoRoNER's jury in California re-
Gently "sat on" q man who was asleep,
while the official corpse was lying un-
molested in an adjoining bed.
A MAN was arrested for going to sleep
and snoring too loud on the streets OF
Wheeling, West Virginia, the other
day. He was fined for waking the
policeman.
WISCONSIN newspapers are making
an unusual to do about an infant born
without brains. We always supposed
that such was almost the rule in Wis
consin.
A PAIR of distressed parents in Troy
are anxious to cure their four-year-o
son of an irresistible tendency to COM
NIT arson. The New York World wick
edly suggests arsenic.
SAUSAGE machines in Council Bluffs,
Iowa, don'tmince their meat fine enough
to suit the public taste. A baby's hand
| was recently found in sausage there,
and the finder naturally complained of
the bones.
A VERMONT agricultural editor gives
the following directions for cultivating
roots "First blast q hole In the ground,
then plant the root, then build fire
over it to keep it warm" This is what
he knows about farming.
AN old sailor finding a corked bottle
| floating on the sea, opened it, with the
following soliloquy: "Rum, hope;
gin, l think tracts, by jingoW and
then he threw them back into the
water.
AN ignorant woman, Of great wealth
and pretensiOns, said, in response to
compliment to some mutton on her
table, "Oh, yes; my husband always
buys the best. He isn't stingy, and,
besides, he's great epicac."
In Whitley county, Indiana, there is
a new-fangled corn dropper. 1t drops
two rows and hunts ground squirrels at
the same time. All the operator has to
do is to lean up against tree and sweat
until the horn blows.
The Cleveland Herald records the
burial of o policeman in that city, and
says his remains were followed to
their last roastiug place by portion of
the police force" The proof reader
when last heard from was en- route for
California.
l A PRISONER arraigned before Re-
corder in New Orleans was told: 81
really don't know whether had bet
ter fine you 81 or $40; what's your idea
about it?" Prisoner" Your Honor,
all have to plead is that you will not
set down a,tght in malice"
A FEW days ago a colored man in
Halifax county, North Carolina, was
exhibiting to a party of admiring
friends the docile qualities of his favor.
lite mule by pulling his tail and other
1 WlSo CoiSoSius uiu. lHo COuu WAS
made OF poplar plank-so says the
Roanoke Neics.
A REMARKABLE dog, in Auburn,
New York, whenever 1t loses its mis-
tress in the streets, makes for the street
railway, gets aboard the cars, and keeps
strict watch until the latter reaches the
street on which the canine's mistress
lives. The dog then jumps off, and jogs
I'm the Strppt fp ifg lpp1n
AS four or five. darkies were passing
an agricultural implement store down
South, one of them pointing to culti-
vator, said: ga man can jis sit on dat
thing am ride while he is ploughing."
too sharp to think of dat fore de mig
gers was Free"
THE Fort Wayne Sentinel makes the
following cheerful announcement: IA
coffin wareroom has been established on
Wayne street, In the rear of the Sentinel
building. Any one feeling like attack
ing the editor will save his relatives
trouble by coming around that way and
selecting his box"
A THRIFTY citizen effected insurance
on the life of his wife to the amount Of
$4,000 the other day, took home box
/ Vi tlO iiNtiO 1Cd 4tAai iRho PiuhiS, anu
enjoyed whole evening watching his
wife eat them. His enterprise had its
reward. Deducting $29S for funeral ex-
penses, he is now $9,702 richer than he
was week ago.
A NEWLY elected Squire in a certain
town, having occasion the other day to
perform the marriage ceremony for the
first time, got the affair considerably
mixed, and wound up by saying: "Suf-
fer little children to come unto them,"
at which the bride remarked, "Thank
you. John, let's go; that's all We
want"
THE Indians In California are learn
ing the emotional Insanity plea In ex-
tenuation of their Irregularities. A
man in Trinity Centre, California, was
; recently shot at bya presumably friend
ly Indian, and upon demanding the
, cause, the Indian bounded off with the
rifle, crying out, :" Me heap crazy! Me
too much crazy! Me too much crazyW
THE Danbury Ne,0s says: "A Balm.
fort avenue man was observed going up
, home this morning with gun that
r will carry at least an ounce ball. AS he
. lives next door to young man who is
, learning to play Rory O'More on pair
| OF cymbalS, we nave tnOught III DesI 10
: print an extra number of copies of oul
next issue. Orders left at the news
stands or this officewill be attended to. '
I AN old topper was brought before the
Omaha police court few days since tC
{ answer to the charge of drunkenness
and pleaded the constitutional provision
that he ought not TO be tried twice fol
the same offence, asking the Judge |
q there wasn't something of that sort II
: the law. The Judge said there was
a "Then," said the inebriate, ''if you'll
J send down to Lincoln and bring Cover
nor Butler up here, l can prove by hin
that 1 haven't been sober In ffteel
y years. It's the same old drunk, Judge
4 IT'S the same old drunk"
4 A Cool RELATION.-How t0uchin
Q was the grief displayed In B at
n funeral little out OF town! The un