The Pacific commercial advertiser. [volume] (Honolulu, Hawaiian Islands) 1856-1888, 1872-02-03

Boston has decided that Hub OF the Universe -
as altogether too tame, and now calls itself I" The
Vital CENTRE
Josh Billings says that opera music don't have
any more effect upon him than castor oil has up
on a craven image.
Apparently the only thing left for Boss
Tweed is to steal away. He has taken everything
else.
A youngster of literary tastes lately described
from a monkey"
1t is said that John c. Heenan has " got
religion If he has got it - in chancery'' he
will punch the whole left ear off of it.
Before Caesar permitted himself to be inter
viewed he always asked who is it in the press
that calls on me?''-[ julius Cesar, Act L, Scene
81
The White Pine Nerus says The melancholy
days have come, the saddest of the year-a little
too warm for whiskey-skns, and too cold for lager
beer"
A lady, in accounting to friend for her tenn
porary disappearance from society, said she had
been celebrating her wooden wedding, having
just married blockbead.
A census taker cat West reports 8, 900 ColoneIs
in his district. Z" There used to be more in that
part of the country he says, - but a-large
number of them have been raised to Generals
A man from San Francisco who had not heard
of the Chicago fire arrived there last week.
After looking the ruins he turned to a stranger
and asked /: '' How long did the earthquake last,
old spozt?" -
distinguished writer says: % There is a
passage in the Bible where the girls are com
manded to kiss the men, and that it is in the
golden rule, Whatsoever We would that men
should do unto you, do ye even SO to them
Mr.. Fields, in his lecture on cheerfulness,
describes n man so shut in with dignity and
excIusiveness that when you shake hands with
him YOU always feel as if you were doing it
through knot-hole.
g You can't do too much for your employers,
man. said somebody to big-fisted, strong
backed man-of-all-work, on the wharf the other
day. =. Arrah, neither will l. replied Pat with
emphasis.
A Brooklyn husband, who was kissing the
chambermaid little, surprised by his wife,
but got off with only one black eye by quoting
Mrs Stanton, who says, % the freer the relations
between human beings the happier.
4 negro woman relating her experience to
a gaping congregation of color, and among other
things she said she had been in heaven. One of
tine ladies asked her: - Sister, did you see any
blacks in heaven ?'' - Oh git out you s'pose
90 In de kitchen when | was dar?''
good story is told of a bootblack whose
energies were taxed by the huge shoes of
private iuss returned from the war. The little
fellow, kneeling down, looked over his shoulder
TO a comrade and exclaimed, L" Lend me q spit,
Jim I've got an army contract"
An Iowa merchant sent dunning letter to a
man, who replied by return mail /: 90 You say
YOU are holding my note yet. That is ali right;
O perfectly right. Just keep holding to 1t, and If
YOU find your hands slipping, spit on them and
try it again. Yours, afectionately."
4 EFT. Vernon fve-vear old. hearing his mother
hat he liz he
first impressions of people to be correct ones,
called at the top of his voice: - Mamma, what
were your 'pressions when you first seen me ?''
The subject Of conversation was Immediately
changed
Cast iron sinks, all Sizes is the legend
Hartford plumber inscribed - on his outer wall.
ss Well who (hic) said 1t didn't?'' was the in
auiry Of an inebriated man of sin to the plumber
aforesaid, who read it over three or four times,
and gave yell Of delight when he thought he
saw the point
Sign OF HONEsTT.-'' Mr.. Brown, you said the
defendant was honest and intelligent. What
makes you think so? Are you acquainted with
him - - No, sir, 1 have never him.
Why then, do you come to such a concusion? ?'
81 Because he takes ten newspapers, and pays for
them in advance" Verdict for defendant.
The Kilkenny CATs.-An American gentle
man asked an Irish gentleman in New York to
give him the real version of the story about the
Kilkenny eats. In reply, he received the fol-
lowing lines ..s -.--
There wasn't two cats at hukennyF
Each thought there cat too many
so they quarrssd and ht,
They scratched and they bit,
Till excepting their nails,
AMI the tips Of their tails.
Instead Of two cats, there wasn't any
SCIENTIFIC rhymes for little scientists
are Mother Goose latest beneiaction to the youth
full world The following is for the benefit Of
small geOlogists
Trilobite, graPtolite,
Nautilus pie,
ets tlcareOUs.
Oceans dry
HOcsne, miOcene,
PIipOceDe, tuf,
Las and
And that is enough