The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-12-27
RATES OF ADVERTISING.
Humorous.
A western paper says France is q
tinder-box and President Theirs sit
ting on the safety valve"

tinder-b0x and President Thiers sit
ting on the safety valve"
Congressman Snspp, of Illinois, op-
poses Civil Service Reform, whereupOn
cotemporary declares It to be "a snap
not worth snap"
A young man hunting turkeys at
Kalamazoo, Mich, thought he saw one
in the grass, but coroner's jury decid-
ed that IL was the head of the farmer
who owned the premises, and was tax.
ing nap.
An Irishman meeting another asked
him what had become of mutual
friend. "Arrah, now, my dear honey"
answered he, paddy was condemned
to be hanged, but he saved his life by
dying in prison."
A soldier telling his mother ofthe ter.
rible firing Of Chickamauga, was asked
by her why he did not get behind
tree ? "Tree said he; "there wasn't
enough for the officers"
A darkey left in charge Of telegraph
Office while the operator went to din.
ner, heard some one "call" over the
wires, and began shouting, "De opera
tor isn't here" The noise ceased.
81 wonder what's the reason" said
wife to her husband, that the turkey
ate for dinner does not set well on my
stomach ?' "Probably, replied the
aggravating man, "because 1t wasn'ta
hen turkey"
Where are you going ?' cried a
Scotch gentleman to a thief whom he
observed crawling through hole In
the hedge into his garden.
Back again." replied Sawney, as he
hastily retreated from his discovered
access to the tempting fruit.
Theodore Hook once dined with
Mr.. Hatchet. "Ah, my dear fellow
said he, deprecatingly, 81 am sorry to
say that you will not get to-day such
dinner as our friend Tom Moore gave
u.s." "Certainly not" replied Hook,
from Hatchet we can get nothing
but chop"
In Arkansas man was sentenced to
be hanged, but all the carpenters in the
neighborhood refused to build the scaf.
fold. AS the condemned man was
himselfa carpenter by trade, the sher-
if tried to induce him to put up the
gallows, but he steadfastly declared he'd
be hanged if he did.
An absent-minded man entered a
Cincinnati shoe store the other day,
and wanted his boy measured for pair
of shoes. "But where's the boy ?" sa 4
the dealer. "Thunder I" said the man.
I've left the boy at home. I'll go and
bring him." and off he started for his
house, six blocks away.
A man recently broke off marriage
because the lady did not possess good
conversational powers, friend told
him he should have married her, and
then refused her new bonnet, to have
developed her power to talk.
A minister once told Wendell Phil.
lips that If his business in life WAS %
save the negroes, he ought to 60 South
were they were and do 1t. "That is
worth thinking Of" replied Phillips.
"and what is your business in life ?"
"To save men from hell" replied the
minister. "Then go there and attend
to your business" rejoined Mr.. Phil
lips.
A gentleman handed up a ten dollar
bill in one,of the lied Line coaches,
from which one fare, five cents, was to
be taken. "Look a'here," said the
driver, down through the hole, (which
with this ten dollar bill ?" "Well,"
coolly replied the gentleman, II
thought l might get both for that"
Two neighbors living in Westminster
county had long and envenomed lii.
cation about small spring, which they
both claimed. The Judge, wearied out
with the case, at last said "What is
the use of you making so much fuss
about little water ?'' "Your Honor
will see the use of it," replied one of
the lawyers, "when inform you that
the parties are both milkmen ~
A fireman's ball lately took place In
Easton, Pa, and to the announcement.
the following "notice" was appended
"How is this for high? A nice thing
for the boys. Lively times in prospect.
A chance for some good fun. Every.
body will be there, and all will 90 mer,
ry rs marriage bell. Mirth, jolity
and good fellowship. Put on your
dancing pumps. and be in at the death"
elc The death of a prominent citizen
appeared in the same paper, and by n
mistake the "nOtice" appeared under
1t. The EDITORS widow has offered tho
Office for sale.
There must be something done to pre-.
vent those horrible mistakes OF drus-
gist's clerks. One of the careless fellows
lately gave young man in Louisville
bottle of mucilage Instead of cologne.
The youth went to church, and after
applying the contents Of the bottle
| freely to his handkerchief and applying
| the handkerchief freely to his nose, he
was in no condition for devOut worship.
This thing is getting to be alarming.
| The Titusville Press chronicles the
| following event with modest pride
"Titusyille was not the birthplace OF
a man residing here who slipped up on
a muddy crossing, this forenoon, and
sat down on a roll of butter which he
was carrying home, and instead Of
swearing, he simply arose, scraped the
butter from his pants into the paper
again, and went on again as If nothing
had happened"
A Connecticut man the other day
thought to put his philosophy to the
practical test by slightly burning the
fingres Of his two young children in or
der that he might leave them alone In
room with hot stove. His wife, who
doesn't go much on silence, cought him
at 1t, and went for the philosopher, sit
ting him down on the stove and hold
ing him there until he roarsd for
mercy.
1t is reported that man in Cincln-
, natl fell from the top of a four.story
building the other day to the stone
sidewalk beneath without being injured
In the least. He was a life insurance
agent and struck on his cheek. At the
time of his fall he was leaning on the
edge of the roof, showing his papers at a
painter whom he had treed on
; a swinging scatfold underneath.
On the trial of a horse case In Saco,
; Maine, recently, one OF the parties, who
!, was also a witness, Grace by name, no,
) being so clear in his testimony as the
Judge thought desirable, was asked by
him to describe the animal more min
utely. "Why, Judge, all you Saco fel
lers know that air AL Hodgkins uset
TO drive," was the "minute," clear ant
8 ready reply, in patronizen tone; Th'
/ "Saco feller" on the bench smiled qui
,, city the rest smiled audlbly, TIL tn
l Sheriff called "Order In the courtW