Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1872-06-13
Humorous Readings.

household pets, ''she's such feelin cat
did not purr-pet-rate the pun purr-puss
ly.
The Indianapolis journal states tha
the potato bug will poll a heavy vote il
Indiana this fall, and sweep the Stat,
by irresistible majorities.
The editor of the Danbury Meas say:
"How any unprejudiced man can look
upon the present sized penny cake ot
maple sugar, and claim that the world
is growing better, passes our compre.
hension
A quiet old gentleman of New York
| thinks that he could forgive Boston a
portion of her "high flutings," if she
would only invite all the street musicians
to take part in her coming Jubilee-and
keep them.
Here is prospectus of Oil CITY by a
Titusville paper: A small, gnarled, frow,
zy, knotty, bare-backed, up-and-down
bumped, round shouldered, guilty, preci-
picy, and generallY-shot-up, scooped out,
rayined, infiexible, irregular, greasy,
and slabysided shanty town.
The authorities of the Germantown
Pennsylvania, poor house, have named
the last received founding Dolly Var
den. Il, when that girl gets to be large
enough to appreciate the magnitude of
the outrage, she doesn't burn down that
poor house, she is not the girl she ought
to be.-LouiscilIe Courier-JOur7saz
A theatrical man of experience was
remarking to friend how great an at
traction snowy spectacle Introducing
real water had with the public. ''Ah -
chimed in the other, ''that's because
people see so little real water off the
stage"
Curl Polly-So that's the new baby the
doctor has sent here to mamma, Fred
die?
Freddie.-Yes. And don't it saueal /?
And do say it's great shame for the
doctor to send babies when people are
i'll like poor mamma. hate him.
A lady whose fQndness for generous
living had given her a flushed face and
carbuncled nose, consulted DIR. Cheyne.
Upon surveying herself in the glass, she
exclaimed, ''Where in the name of
wonder, Doctor did l get such a nose 2"
''Out of the decanter, madam replied
the doctor.
An out+of-town couple applied at a
drug store for soda water. ''What sir
up?" propounded the. clerk. ssSirup?
sirup?" repeated the bucolic fop, with
an incredulous stare, and then, leaning
forward, he added impressiyely, "See
here, stranger, money amt no object to
me to-day-you can put sugar in 'em. !"
Two Hibernians were passing a stable
which had rooster on it for a weather
vane, when one addressed the other
thus, Pat, what's the reason they
didn't put hin up there instead of a
rooster ~ ''An' sure" replied Pat.
''thats aisy enough-don't you see it
would be unconyanieRt to go for the
eggs 2"
A Philadelphia editor, who eXclaims
against people calling on him who have
nothing to do and nothing to say, and
think that he has nothing to write, and
are fond of nothingness in general, puts
the following in the front page :" We
have rented an Office in the top of the
shot tower, and have planted torpedoes
and spring guns all the way up the
stairs.
The Norwich Adgertiser says: "A
young lady, very pretty, walked around
the new road (7) miles in an hour and
torty-five minutes. We remember es-
corting one around that road once by
moonlight Time-four hours and forty
minutes. But then she said she wasn't
in hurry The old folks had gone to
camp-meeting, and she said she had a
night key"
A baby recently had the misfortune to
swallow the contents of an ink bottle.
Its mother. with wonderful presence of
mind, Immediately administered a box
of steel pens and two sheets of foolscap
paper, and the child has felt write inside
ever since.
Mr.. Martin f. Tupper has proclaimed
the joyful tidings that he has nothing
more to add to any department of human
experience. In view of Which some one
remarks, sadly: Nothing is certain,
but if nothing is certain, how can
it be certain that nothing is certain?
1t is common to speak of those whom
a flirt has Tilted as her victims This is
grave error. Her real victim is the
man whom she accepts. A happy simile
runs thus: a coquette is a rose. from
whom every lover plucks leaf the
thorn remains for her future husband.
Frenchman: Madam. you charge yer
mooch too big price for that room.
Landlady: Oh, you know, we at the
watering places must make hay while
the sun shines. Frenchman Indignant
ly:) Madame, you sail never make re
hay of me. You must not link zat be-
cause all flesh is grass Eat you can make
hay of me
A little 10y once came running into
his mothers room, and said O moth
er. / came so near being drowned in the
Chickahominy to-day How, my son ?
exclaimed the mother in great alarm.
Why, some boys asked me to go with
them to the Chickahominy, bathing, and
if / had gone, should certainly have
been drowned, for you know ] can't
swim.
Confidential housekeeper (''that young
person" having called about the under
house maids situatien) But she says
nm she haven't a character from her
last place - Mistress-And expects
me to take her without written char
acter? Good gracious, Mrs. Roberts,
has the woman her intellects House
keeper: Well, mum, she have some
think tied up in bundle Punch.
A sentimental youth having seen a
young damsel shedding tears over some |
thing in her lap, took the first oppor-
tunity to be introduced to her, and made |
no doubt that she was congenial spirit. /
What work was that which affected you
so much the other morning? saw you
shed great many tears. Was it Bull |
wers last !? | don't know what Bull
wer's last is, returned she, but / assure
you l was doing a job which al
ways. almost kills me; / was peeling
onions.
A little girl was standing at the depot
to see her father and a gentleman friend /