Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1872-07-23

IN
"And pray, good sir have you not learned,
Love is not bought or sold?
Wiener wed, III wed man,
And not his lands or gold P'
With sullen brow, the sutton grand
Rode fiercely back to town,
And one May morn Sue welded Will,
Clad in her homespun gown.
Lat2ac7s for Hatneo7'Ssts.
Anonymous communications are worth four
cents pound at this Office. fA $40
Horace Greeley says there will be no dough
nut crop this Fall. He says the cold March
weather killed the buds on the dough trees.
We see patent SPEAKER noticed. A man
who can't do his own sparkling without the help
of machinery ought to be gobbled up by wild
ow with nine small children.
Mr.. Dana has put forth the following prose
poem: 'The red, white, and blue-Gratz
Browns hair, Greeley's hat, and the counte
nances of the oAice-holders next November. "
The Indian orators who have came East, talk
pretty big, but produce no such startling effects
as they do out on the frontier. Here they
merely make peoples hair stand on end there
they take the hair off the head altogether.
The Detroit Free Press says if Grants ex-
penses are ten thousand dollars year more
than his salary, and in three years he manages
to lay by over half million dollars, what's the
use of bringing out any more arithmetics?
A few days since, one of our popular attor-
news called upon another member of the pro-
fession, and asked his opinion upon a certain
point of law. The lawyer to whom the ques-
ton was addressed drew himself up and said,
ST generally get paid for telling what know"
The questioner drew half dollar fractional
from his pocket, handed it to the other, and
coolly remarked, sTell me all you know, and
give me the change" There is GOODNESS be-
tween the parties now.
''EF HE'D SAID DUCKS. During class
meeting held several years since by the Metho-
dist brethren of Southern village, Brother
Jones went among the colored portion of the
congregation. Finding there an old man noto-
rious for his endeavor to serge God, on the Sab
bath and Satan the rest OF the week, ne said !:
"Well. Brother Dick, I'm glad to see you
here! Haven't stole any turkeys since | saw
you last, Brother Dick p
''No, no, Brudder Jones no turkeys"
"Nor any chickens, Brother Dick p
mo, no, Brudder Jones no chickens"
''Thank the Lord, Brother Dick That's do
ing we'll, my brotherP' said Brother Jones,
leaving Brother Dick, who Immediately reliev-
ed his ver-burdened conscience by saying to a
near neighbor, with an immense sigh of relief
EFF he'd said ducks, he'd had me!''
A COMMONPLACE INCIDENT.-Max Adeler
says: The papers are publishing as a curious
item statement to the effect that "a horse in
Iowa pulled the plug out Of the bunghole of a
water barrel and slaked his thirst" As the
horse could not have saked his thirst without
pulling the. plug out of the bunghole of the
barrel, we do not see anything extraordinary in
the occurrence. Now, if the horse had pulled
thirst with the plug, or if the barrel had pulled
the bunghole out of the plug and slaked its
thirst with the horse, or if the plug had pulled
the horse out of the barrel and slaked it's thirst
with the bunghole, or if the bunghole had
pulled the thirst out of the horse and slaked
the plug with the barrel, or if the barrel had
pulled the horse out of the bunghole and plug
ged its thirst with a slake, it might have been
worth while to make some fuss over it. But
none of these things seem to have occurred.
Going Fishing.
The following is an ''order for supplies" re-
Gently sent to an Americas (Ga.) grocer by a
fishing excursion party:
Dear ST-Myself and couple of friends
leave this morning on fishing excursion, and
you will please send u.s. by bearer, the follow
ing articles, which, if you prefer it, you can
charge to either Jack Brown or Ben Lockett.
Eitheris the safest:
-Four pounds of salt and a small cask of
whisky.
One pound of ground black pepper and a
demijohn of whisky.
Ten pounds of lard and large jug of Whis-
ky.
Three good, stout fishing lines and three
pocket TASKS of whisky,
One paper of large Limerick hooks, and a
gallon of whisky in any old vessel you don't use
about the store.
Also, send one pound of white sugar and
small jug of whisky.
Hurrledly, yours. PHIL Cook.
P. S.-As we shall be gone several days, and
as snakes are bad on the river at this season,
my physician has just stepped in and suggested
that we better take along little whisky. Send
it, and enter it on your books with other items
above.
A QUIET HT.-The Rev. Mr.. Talbot,
clergyman of some reputation in the western
part of Pennsylvania, was good hater of cant.
Born and reared farmer, he took to the church
as matter of choice, and without doubt his
sincerity was the electrical effect by which he
produced SO many converts from ''the ways that
are dark
DR.. Talbot was without doubt always an orr
ginal wit, and when the purpose served him,
cynic. On returning to his former home at
one time, his neighbors, having heard of his
fame as ''sower of the gospel assembled to
meet him, and one sanctimonious fellow. who
carried whining air about him on all occasions.
was one of the first to come fawning about Mr'
Talbot.
''By the way" said the clergyman sswhat
has become of Old Smithers?''
dead" said Uriah Heep. with proan
"Dead {"
"Yes-whisky killed him.
ssHow old was he?''
'Seventy-four."
unfortunate man And Old Slater pr
dead, - lanother Groan.)
Poor Old Slater. What did he die Off"
whisky"
"How old was he?"
sEighty-one."
'Deluded wretch And Daddy Woods?"
s'He, too, has gone the way of all flesh. He
drank himself to death, when he should have
been thinking of the future world. He was
eighty-fve, and even with the grave-''
Trv