Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1872-01-25
Humorous Readings.

Humorous teaO1nsss
An old lady in New Jersey, having
read an account of the bursting OF
grindstone in manufacturing establish
ment, became terribly alarmed lest
grindstone, which was standing in her
cellar, should burst and blow her house
up.
A precious youngster being asked how
many genders there are, replied, Three
sir-the masculine, the feminine, and
neutral" ''Well done, my. son; now
define them" ''The masculine Is men,
the feminine Is women, and the neutral
is old bachelors.
Charles j. Fox, canvassing for an
election, asked the vote of an honest me-
chanic, who was bitterly opposed to his
interests The fellow refused it, but
presented him with halter. pray,
sir, keep it." said the wit, ''for / pre-
sumo it must be family piece.
Father, did you ever have another
wife besides mother?" sNo, my boy;
what possessed you to ask such ques-
ton ~ Because | saw in the old fami-
" Bible where you married Anne Domi-
ny, in 1885, and that isn't mother, for
her name was Sally Smith.
IT tell you," said warm friend of
certain candidate for Senator, to
an old sober-headed politician, ''your
party may say what they please, but
you cannot deny that Mr.. - is sound
man. eyes" said old Beeswax, ''thats
just what we think, he's all sound!"
A late advertisement, in an Irish pa
per- says: ''Missing from Killarney,
Jane O'Foggerty she had in her arms
two babies and Guernsey COW, all
black, with red hair, and tortoise-shell
combs behind her ears, and large black
spots all down her back, which squints
awfully."
The Amherst Standard say: lone of
our sophomores has devised a new way
of telling bad news. He writes home
to his father, 4 came near losing thirty
seven dollars last week Anxious par
rent writes back that he is thankful the
money was not lost, and wants to know
how near BY return mail, came with
in one of it-lost thirty-six. "
j wish l was ghost; blamed if [
don't" said a sweep, as he was sOlilO-
quiziHg in the cold the other morning.
They go wherever they like toll free.
They don't owe nobody nothin, and
that's comfort. Who ever heard tell of
a man who had a bill againgt ghost !?
Nobody They never buy clothes and
whites, nor has to stand shivering in the
cold till Sally let's 'em in"
Mr.. blanche, in London Society, tells
theifollowing story of Sheridan Knowles:
One day, in the country, he said to Alb
bolt, with whom he had been acting
g My Edear fellow, I'm off tomorrow.
Can take any letters for you?
You're very kind, answered Abbott;
but where are you going to ?"
d" / havn't made up my mind.
Mr.. Fox, the celebrated orator, was
one day told by a lady whom he visited,
that she - did not care three Skips Of a
DuSe for him." He Immediately took out
his pencil, and wrote the following
lines:
\ lady has told me, and in her own house,
That she cares not for me three sNips of a
forgive the dear creature for what she
Since women will talk of what runs in their
head
An Irishman, who was very near
sighted, about to fight a duel, insisted
that he should stand six PAGES nearer his
antagonist than the other did to him, and
that they were both to fire at the same
time. This beats Sheridan's telling
fat man who was going to fight thin
one, that the latter's slim figure ought to
be Chalked ON the others pOrtly person,
and if the bullet hit him outside the
chalk mark, it was good for nothing.
An irascible old gent, who formerly
held the position of justice of the peace,
was one day accosted in the street by a
youth in a manner that did not come up
to his honor's idea of the respect due to
him. young man." said he, II fine
you five dollars for contempt of court !"
''Why, Judge" said the offender, you
are not in session, This court, " re-
piled the judge, thoroughly irritated, sis
always in session. and consequently al
ways an object of contempt"
There is a sharp rivalry just now in
Alabama, among different guano deal
ers. One of them, by way of showing
the superiority of his guanO over any
other, says a farmer recently put sam
pie of it into his pocket, in which there
happened to be a carpet tack, and start
cd home on horseback. Before reaching
his house his steed broke down, and the
farmer was at a loss to discover the
cause until he found that the carpet
tack had grown to be long bar of iron.
A penniless young lawyer asked a
millionaire for his daughters hand
II shall give my child a hundred
thousand dollars on her wedding day. 3"
answered the merchant TT is a pretty
little sum enough to provide breakfasts
for the family. Now will you have the
kindness to tell me how you propose to
furnish the dinners :"
ooh, for that matter. returned the
unabashed youth, 'thOse who have
hreakfasted so well will not need any
dinner at all.
A story is told of a substantial coun-
try gentleman with money. who. for a
second wife, took young boarding.
school Miss Her mother wished to get
her an establishment that was some
pumpkins" and nearly the match. Being
asked what kind of girl his new wife
was, he dQClared her learning was tire
mendous. "She has" he said, 'larnt
kemistry and meterology. | used to
think every time | drew BREATH | ex-
PRED nothing but air, but she tells me
| take down at every gulp, two kinds of
gin, oX-gin and high-gin, and | tee to-
taller. too :"
Mains ns thu Nov,