The Tiffin tribune. (Tiffin, Ohio) 1868-1887, 1872-08-22
Model Greeler RESOLUTIONS.

Ihe lollOWlng Well timed Wit wJ
find in the Knoxville Chronicle. We
commend it to the earnest eonsidsra-
ton of our Greeley friends:
Written expressly for the Greeleyites
in Scott county, by ShOubrig; but moi
being Copyrighted, no one will be pros
ecuted for using outside Of Scott and
claiming them as original. In short,
stealing is permitted ana expected
WHEREAS, The millennium has
dawned and the wolf is lying down
with the lamb, aud the lion is eating
straw like an OK, and the abolition
lists march under the same flag, and
the Radicals and rebels walk arm in
arm, and the free traders and prOtee-
tiOnists are cheek by jOwl, and the
Irish and negrOs eat out of the same
dish, and Horace Greeley and jeff
Davis sleep in the same bed, and the
sucking child is playing on the hole
Of the asp, and women vote and ride
astraddle, and everything is lovely
and the goose hangs higL; therefore,
RcsOiUcd, /. That inasmueh as the
time has come for all men to eat dirt
and turn sOmersaults, and no man
thinks what he says, or believes what
he thinks, we unanimously recognize
the absolute equality of all men, in
cluding negroes, women, and Chinese; !;
that we believe mules ears are as
short as a horses, and that the leop-
ard can change his spots, and that the
negro is a man and a brother; and
having always favored his admission
to the ballot box, we now welcome
him to the social circle, having some
thing of an idea that all the world was
born Of a monkey, that things are not
what they used to be, and that there
is g great deal of upside-dOwned-ness
and dOwnside-upWardness, and a be-
wildering miXed-up-a-tive-ness gen.
orally.
Resolved, .. That being in great
doubt whether the rebellion failed or
and not being certain
whether Grant or Lee surrendered at
and being of opinion
that the South was either right or
wrong, and that the North was either
wrong or right, and that neither was
either to hurt, we are unanimously in
favor OF letting by-gOnes be by-gOnes,
of burying the stars and stripes in the
same grave with the stars and bars,
of mixing three parts OF 'DiXieD with
two parts HYankee-DOOdle," and of
the Union eagle to the reb-
el buZZard.
Resolved, 8. That being a liberal
party, we favor liberality in all things,
in politics and religion, in virtue and
in temperance, giving perfect freedom
to all, freedom to men, and freedom
to women, eritieising no ones Opin-
ions and no ones actions; pardOning
an occasional clean shirt and washed
face; neither aveTring that there is
q heaven nor yet denying that there
is hell; holding the Almighty in
proper respect, at the same time not
our old friend Satan be-
lieving that nothing is up or down,
but that everything is standing or
sideways, and in all things holding
very fast with one hand, but altOgeth-
er letting go with the other.
ReSOlUed, 4. That the Constitution
Os it is is better than it was that the
Bible is all very well in its place, but
the Book of MOrmOns is newer, and
the writings of Confucius older, and
every man is master of his own con-
science and conduct, and has a right
TO make a god to suit himself; that
free whiskey and universal ignorance,
coupled with free love and universal
make earth a paradise, and
heaven a certainty; but that, never
theless, all things are turned round,
and the times are out of joint, every
straight road is crooked, and the earth
turns backward on its axis, men waltz
zigzag, and their brains are topsy tur-
vey, the world is all bewitched, and
woman is the coming man.
Resolved, 5. That inasmueh as
Judas Iscariot, though once a wicked
man, afterward became an Apostle.
and inasmuch as Benedict Arnold
shed blood in defense of American
liberty, and inasmuch as JEFF Davis
was nominated, we are heartily in
favor of Horace Greeley, believing,
IS we do that the Democracy is not
dead, but sleepeth, and that all roads
from Greeley lead to Grant; that
was an original abOlitiOnist
and an aboriginal seeessionist; that
the abOlitiOnists and seeessiOnists al
ways worked up to the same end, and
their present combination is only n
of past cooperation, and
wonderful will it be in the eyes of all
men when the arch enemy of the Ku-
HluX becomes their chief captain
when the prince OfprOtectiOn becomes
the king of free trade; when the
champion of temperance bears the
banner of the bar room business, and
satan leads the hosts of heaven, then
truly shall the last be first, Cor great
IS the mystery of Greeleyness!