The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-07-19
Humorous.

ma IL lS very Hucn tHe reVerSe.-
Elmch.
A pair of New Haven parents are
afflicted with boy that dosen't stop
whistling even in his sleep.
If you should be asked when Il cat is
Ike. teapot. you might reply, "When
you're teasin' it."
An Illinois paper thinks seventeen
year locusts are so.called, because they
come around seventeen times year.
A Chicago dry goods dealer adver-
tises "The most alarming sacrifice since
the days Of Abraham and Isaac"
4 thousand dollar Kentucky bull re-
comfy undertook TO stop locomotive.
The horns, hide and tallow arc for
sale.
A Western paper, alluding to tho
statue of Shakespeare in the Central
Park, New York, says: "That's right,
such talent as Williams ought to be
encouraged"
A Boston paper states that several
quarts Of vest buttons were found on the
floor of one of the public halls in that
city after humorous lecture had been
delivered the previous evening.
Mr.. Hart, of Utica, being unexpect-
odly visited by four ladies, each of whom
claimed to be his lawful wife, made
precipitate exit through second-story
window. He was evidently the victim
of too much Hart.
He,,never-weepss is the name OF Red
Clouds only brother, and some Of the
papers disrespectfully speak of him ss
Old-Dry-Up.
A Paterson boy put lighted match
into nearly empty powder keg, to see
what would happen. He won't do 80
again, as his curiosity is satisfied, but
the girl who sits next him in school
thinks he looked better with his nose
on.
A California farmer can walk twenty.
seven miles in straight line without
going off his own property. A rival
add, $50 can we, we bought our shoes
and paid for them"
a Chicago paper received letter
from lady which read as follows:
"Why is it that that dear Lord Byron
who used to write such beautiful, beau.
tJW poetry, keeps so quiet lately?"
A day or two since telegraphic dis
patch informed the amazed readers of
the Brooklyn Eagle that bridge in
New Hampshire had been carried away
by ga drove of hogs" The sentence
should have read "a drive of logs"
A Maryland woman who had be on
bereft of speech for over five years, sud-
denly recovered her voice last Sunday
in church. She thinks it a special mir
acle from heaven in her behalf, but her
husband-well, men are always unbe.
lieving wretches.
The rising generation ''age" rapidly
in Detroit. A mature specimen of the
feminine gender and eight years old,
was hunting about the police stations
for stray father the other night. "You
see," she remarked, with filial exulta-
tion, "the guv'ner's a little wild yet,
but he'll grow out of it,"
A case has just occurred in Michigan
in which dead man, while undergoing
the operation of shaving, sat up and
distinctly remarked, "What is the mat
ter of me, Fremm? 1 feel very queer"
and then lay down again and was dead
as before. 1t was very unpleasant for
the barber.
An indianapolis man writes to his
favorite paper: "Please say to the par
ty who made an attempt to burgle No.
1868 North Mississippi street, between
the hours of two and three o'clock this
morning, that if his present infirmity
does not interfere with his doing so, to
make one more trial at his earliest con.
venience, and bring his winding sheet
and coffin plates along with him. L
have his burial certificate ready signed
by Smith and Weston in six volumes"
At Lynn, Mass, all comparisons are
based upon shoe leather. a cobbler,
having applied for admission to an Or
thodoX Church at that place, the dea-
cons held consultation over the candi-
date. Says one deacon to another:
our meeting" "Yes; do you know
anything against him ?' aWell no.
But before you take final vote on him,
I'd just like to show you job of cob
bling he did for me, that's ALL"
In st. Paul, a young man treated his
sweetheart to the circus, and accidental
searching distractedly for half an hour,
he discovered his adored imbibing lem
onade with rival. Jerking off his
coat he was soon engaged with his hated
enemy in rough and tumbled fight.
The damsel looked coOlly on, as they
gouged each others eyes, and finally
remarked: Fight it out, you chaps;
I'm going with the feller who'll take
me to the show tonight"
A few days since one of our popular
attorneys called upon another member
of the profession, and asked his opinion
upon certain point of law. The law
yer to whom the question was address,
ed, drew himself up and said, 81 guu-
orally get paid for telling what know.
The que5tiOner drew a half a dollar
fractional" from his pocket, and hand
ed it to the other, and CoOlly remark ed
Tell me all you know and give me ihe
change There is GOODNESS between
the parties now.
AT Sharon, N. ", recently, pretty
| Shakeress elopcd with young Shaker,
| greatly surprise and Indignation of tho
| Community. The runaway couple were
| followed, but the pursuerS found that
| they were too late, as the happy couple
had been made man and wife The
lady, in answer to the'angry eXpostu!a.
tions of her friends, is reported to have
said: "Youcan make eyOurapplesass and
warrant it to keep but gals amt ap.
Piles, and you can't bile 'em down so
they won't sour on your old rules about
marrying"
DIR. Chapman told this story the other
day to illustrate the opinion some mon
have concerning religion: A pious old
Kentucky Deacon Shelby, was famous
as shrewd horse trader. One day
farmer Jones went over to Bourbon
county, taking his black boy with him.,
to trade horses with brother Shelby.
After a good deal of dickering, they
finally made trade, and Jim rode the
new horse home. "Wasn't your mas
ter afraid the deacon would get the bost
lnf him I'm, fhn O11 aQHp1 nf
the deacOn's neighbors, as Jim rode
past. 'Oh not replied Jim as his eyes
glistened with a new intelligence,
"Massa knowed how deacon Shelby has
dun got kinder pious lately and he was
en- his guard ~
A German poet has lately published
a touching poem, in which, however,
some triiling inaccuracies in geography
appear. The hero Is represented as do
voured by an alligator under palm
tree on the shore Of Lake Erie In Amer