The Anderson intelligencer. [volume] (Anderson Court House, S.C.) 1860-1914, 1872-12-26
Rill Arm on Bill Tell.

Professor Kohl has just found out that there
never was such man as William Tell. don't
know that krout-eatn Kohl, but I'll bet he's
mad with some feller by the name of Tell, and
went to work to undermine his family. Ii
there is passel of folks upon the face of the
earth who enjoy my contempt, it is them fellers
who are always trying to pull down and never
build up. A man may do heap of good things,
but if he makes one little mistake they'll talk
about that and throw it up forever. They al
ways mention it with but. "He's very
smart man, but He would be very great
man, but His intentions are very good, 6ut."
Regular sappers and miners they are. They
suck all the sap out of a tree to kill it, and
Then undermine it to throw it down.
Now, here's feller who can't make himself
notorious in any other way and he goes to
sappin and miniin' Bill Tell. Now, 1 don't be-
lieve one word of it. / was named for Bill,
and if there want no such man, then I'm no.
body but Arp-thats all. That feller is fool,
and he's got big job on hand if he thinks he
can rob history of its best story, and make a
hundred millions of folks believe what he says.
He's envious of Bill. Because he can't shoot
an apple, or string cross-boy, or make himself
famous, he don't want anybody else to. Every
few years some conceited fool attacks history.
I understand they've got society to bile it
down and stew it. Well, it's sorter like wash
ing for gold-they lose more than they catch.
Now it aint been very long since one feller
denied that Bill Shakespeare ever lived. Well,
they are sorter hard on the Bills, aint they !?
Another wrote several columns to prove that
old Bonaparte died before he was born, and an
other man took up forty pages of yankee
magazine to prove that one of the Bourbons
was livin in obscurity on the banks of Lake
Michilmacknack He hated old Bonaparte's
family so bad that he was willin TO swindle q
half.bred Canady Indian onto the throne of
France.
Now there was Gesler, and he was tyrant,
and Bill Tell wouldent tip his hat to him, and
he put him in Jail, and Bills son Henric was
noble little boy, and Henric was to die unless
Bill shot an apple off his head, and little Hen
ric was blndfolded and stood firm as rock
and still as the grave, and there was a prayer
and shot and shout, and the little boy was
saved, and the apple was hit in the center. All
that's so, and Tell waylaid old Gesler after
wards and killed him and set Switzerland free.
Its all So Its been in the books ever since L
was born. I've read it hundred times, and
told it to Bull Run and Chickahominy and Bob
Lee, and all the little Arps, and Pm not going
to take it back, and if 1 had found it wasent
true. wouldent have told it for thousand
dollars, and don't like the man who did tell
it. nor the man, woman or child who believes
it. for its like robbin dead preacher of his
tombstone to rob history of William Tell.
NV opinion is that the peace and happiness
of the country is in danger from these sappers
and miners. Well all have to have creed
and swear to it,
believe in Geo. Washington and his hatchet,
and Isaac Newton and his apple tree. be-
lieve in Bonaparte and Shakespeare, and Andy
Jackson at the battle of New Orleans. l be-
lieve in Santa Claus and Pocahontas and John
Smith and Ben Franklin and Jefferson Davis
and Dixie, and the 4th of July, 1876. be-
lieve that an old man onst found rude boy up
one of his apple trees a, stealth apples: be-
lieve the milk maid split her milk when she
tossed her head and said, "Green it shall be-"
believe in Robinson Crusoe and his man Fri
day, and the island of Juan Fernandes. be-
lieve in old mother Goose and Cinderella and
John Robinson's Circus. believe in Greeley
and Bennett and Prentice, and other dead edi-
tors except Sam Bard, late of the Chattanooga
Herald, deceased. l believe most solemnly
that Ben Butler stole spoons. believe IN the
big battle of Waterloo and Bull Run and Their
mopyec and Dorking and Leathers Ford.
That last battle was immortalised in verse by
Jack Jones when he wrote, Big ftin John
Sanford, he fit a nifty battle. He fout it at the
ford, where Leather's stole the cattle" Ibeleve
that Gen. Grant told the truth when he said
they had two millions six hundred and eighty
eight thousand of soldiers in the field in the
late war. believe that old Sherman marched
through Georgia about half a mile behind me
and my folks, and that Big John was saved by
tieing a knot in his steers tail. lie incident
deny it for saw the knot. BILL ARP.