The state rights democrat. [volume] (Albany, Linn County, Oregon) 1865-1900, 1872-01-19
scIssoRINGs

Sou worshipers-weak mothers
who idolize their boys.
What tradesman never turns to
the lefte A wheel-scright.
The divinities that shape our ends
are the halter and shoemaker.
General Contributing on half
a dozen girls at the same time.
"Ill drop in As ] pass" IS the
rain said to the open sky-light:
When does o man feel girlish?
When he makes his maiden speech.
When may funds be supposed to
be unsteady-when money IS tight.
If o are not the head or tail of a
donkey. what are YOU? No end of a
donkey.
What is taat from which if you
take the whole, some will remain.
The word wholesome.
A scandalized old lady says
*'Thank heaven, half the lies that
are tod me are not true.
What is the difference between a
sick girl aud a brick bat? One is a
miss i'll and the other a missile.
This country is the only one that
taxes matches and it is the only one
that cannot be matched for taxes.
Why is a clock the most self-de-
prec;ateng piece of furniture? Be-
cause it runs down its own works.
Why is the horse the mosthumane
of animals? He gives the bit out of
his mouth, and listens to every o
If your sister fell into a well, why
couldn't you rescue her? Because you
can't be a brother and Assist her too.
Why is a man who hates writing
like one of the Inmates of Chelsea
Hospital? Because he Is apen-shun-
ner.
1t is estimated that there are 225,-
600 threshing machines in the United
States, without counting the school
marms.
Why was Mohammed like a man
in church with a bad cold? Because
his coughin' (cofin) had to be sus-
pended.
Jack Ketch being asked on what
grounds he claimed the clothes of
those he hanged answered, as their
executor
A correspondent suggests that
stmum" is used as a title for ladies
on account of their well-known love
of silence.
Chou rainest in my BOSOM as the
chap said when a basin of water was
thrown over him by the lady he was
serenadiDg.
One of the latest publications says
that farming requires brains. 1t is
thus manifest that some people should
not be farmers.
If in our school days the rule of
much harder in after life do we find
the rule of one.
Good young lady-"Little boy
have you eve been ~baptized?' Small
heathen-'Oh, yes, mum; I've marks
here on my arm.
A small boy, over intelligent for
his years, wants to know if babies
are baptized over again, in case they
dOA L ldk6 Tie uTot Llu0-
A medical student SAYS he has
never been able to discover the bone
of contention, and desires to know
whether jt is not situated very near
the jaw-bone.
Mr.. Smith, you say you boarded
at the Columbia Hotel for six months
did you foot the bill?' No, sir,
but it amounted to the same thing
the landlord footed me-.
A swell. wishing to make himself
interesting, asked, Maria, what do
you suppose I wa a hundred years
ago?' Just what you are now, moth
ing at all, was the prompt reply.
A story is told of a person asking
another whether he would advise him
to lend a certain friend Ia
What, lend him money? You might
give him an emetic, and he wouldn't
return it.
A little bit of a thing, who hadiust
got back from a party, al asked by
her mamma how she enjoyed herself.
%, mammal she said, I'm so full of
happiness, I couldn't be no happier
without I was bigger
A bank is said to be the most like
ly building to catch cold in, because
there r SO many drafts in it; and
the reason there are SO many drafts
IN 1t, Is because Sc many people go
there to raise the wind.
A wit being told that an old &C.
quaintance was married, exclaimed.
I'm glad to hear it. But rejecting
a moment, he added, in a tone of
compassion and forgiveness, And
yet l don't know why I should be,
he never did me any harm.
A preacher, whose custom it was
to indulge in very long sermons, ex-
changed with one who preached short
ones. At about the usual time for
dismissing, the audience began to go
out, until nearly all had left, when
the sexton, who had stood it as long
as he could, walked up to the pulpit
stairs, and said to the preacher in a
whisper. When you have got
through, lock up, will you, and leave
the key at my house next to the
church.
The venerable Dr.-was through
his long ministry unequally yoked
with a very ill-tempered wife. In
the furnace she tended SO constantly,
he was, we doubt not. purified for
the Masters use, and at the age of
nearly ninety passed to his rest.
When, a few months later, the death