Mower County transcript. [volume] (Lansing, Minn.) 1868-1915, 1872-01-18

in all seasons, md in all out. of.thc way
places. 1t haprened there was
A BAPTIST MINISTER
stopping at tho li6usS, ami one day in
looking for a place to secret there
cards, the boys discovered long black
gown hanging up in q closet, which be-
longed to the minister, but was very
seldom used. (,rhe old folks were very
strict church people, pious, and all that
sort Of thing 81 tkey kaii Is keep Shady
about their card playing.) The boys
thought their cards certainly were safe
enough, stored away under the mgis of
the church. 4 don't know, remarked
the speaker, what segis means, but per.
hape you do. Now it 80 happened that
on that dry the minister had to
BApTI2E A CONVERT,
which ceremony Vas performed In the
river close by. A large concourse of
people assembled on the bank. amonp
whom was the family of Artemus. in.
Guiding himself and cousin. As the
minister descended into the stream. the
water, which was filling in At5iidd The
couple; gently raised the cards out of
the minister's pocket, and they floated
down with the current, in full view of
the assembled people, who were horror
struck at the evidences of the dominia'c
presumed guilt. The first cards which
appeared were
TWO BOWERS ANp ffiREK AcHs.
New Aftet,,ls Ward couldn't refrain
Com injudicious laughter. He real
lied his position, but the ludicrousneas
of the thing struck him with a comical
vein, and he laughed heartily. On their
return home, Artemus. Of course. hati
to confess his guilt; for which both bows
reee!Ved merited punishment. An old
maiden aunt of Artemus went up to
him, after his whipping, tocomfort him
IN her good old motherly way. After
soothing him down, and restoring him
to realizing sense of the utter enor-
nifty OF his offense, she demonstrated
with and asked him l. how he tkouaht
tie gbod main mist Have felt to see
THds1 WICKED CARDS
floating about him how he must have
noticed the eyes of all the people on
him how awkward and humiliated he
must have felt to think that everybody
would accuse him of such sinful prac-
tice," and the old lady with great
warmth exclaimed, don't see, 1rte-
mus. I don't see how he ever qot dit Of
IT," AttettuB looked UP in his aunt's
face, and, as if to quiet her fears about
the minister's difficulty, answered, 81
dodt see, aunty, how he could help 40
ing out on a hand like that"
The name by which Artemus Ward
was properly known, as you are aware,
was Charles F. Browne; bitthplace.
Waterford; Maine; time, 1884: He was
not OF robust, stout, heavy build, he
was small in stature, rather slim, built
somewhat on the glove-stretcher prin-
clple. He possessed a very prominent
nose-in fact it was Just like a COW.
catcher, and the moustache beneath
looked just like the COW. He came OF
good old Puritan stock and was moi
ashamed of his ancestry, and used to
say of himself, "The Wards are de.
scendants from
THAT NOBLE RACE
who fed from land of despotism to 8
land OF freedom, where they could en-
Joy without molestation their own re
igion and prevent everybody else from
enjoying his" The speaker did no,
know whether it was strictly proper tc
thus refer to mans ancestors. HI
was of Puritan stock himself. He had
a relative in the Boston massacre he
was brought up to believe IN the Bos
ton massacre this ancestor of his wal
there, first upon one side then upon tn.
other he wasn't the kind of man Il
get IN the Boston massacre; he had NJ
bushes that way. You ought to heal
our tribe talk about
THE BOSTON MASSACRE
you would really believe there couldn'
have been q Boston massacre without
our family, and that they composed til,
whole of the Boston massacre; and yo,
would almost wish they had. Our fam
lily also had relative at Bunker Hill
he was generally found among the dead
the wounded, and the missing. In fac
was he generally missing before the firs
shot was fired. You see they were al
ways prompt that way. Artemus didn'
have anything more than q commo,
school education, and the great reaso,
was that he didn't like study, and didn'
realize Wnat ne haQ LOST until
HE EECAME OLDER
and saw the advantages to be gained b,
better education than he possessed
He didn't like to work nor see other,
have to do it. His father made him use
full on the farm, and gave him an old gu,
to brighten away the crows and othe
beasts from the corn, something mos
every boy would have jumped cagerl
to do; but Artemus said he was afrai,
to shoot the gun off for fear it woul,
kick him the head.
One day he discovered an old Ouee,
Anne musket hanging up in the rafters
and after contemplating it awhile h
thought he would like to fire it off. H
asked the hired man how much it woul,
take to load it. The man, not wjshin,
to be troubled by him, told him abou
two or three handfuls. "How muc]
lead z" inquired the boy. "A coupl
of pounds of bullets, some slugs, AM
you might put in.
A FEW NAILS.
He took down the gun, loaded it ao
cording to directions, except that h,
left out few bullets in order to get j,
some nails, and went off His usua
timidity coming over him, he didn't fir
it of, and started for home. His fathe
seeing the boy coming across the fields
felt gratifed that he had really endeav
ored to do something without bein,
told, and asked him, ''Where have 70,
been 20 "Been out shooting" "Wha
did you shoot z" "Nothing, sir.
Didn't shoot anything2 Why not 2
"Cause, was afraid it would kick me.
"Giye me the gun," quickly replied
to be afraid Of" and taking aim at
sapling few yards off, he pulled the
trigger and fred, Artemus in the mean
time retreating
SAFE DISTANCE
away. That sapling disappeared, tn
gun went somersaulting through tn,
air, and the old gentleman, with hi
hand up to the side of his face, wen
spinning around like top. Calm.
Artemus up TO him he asked, "Did yo,,
load that gum" eyes, SIR" "Wh,
didn't you tell me how it was loaded z;
~ was just going to, sir, when 70,
fired !; and it occurred to me you 500
would know all about it,
AS Artemus was once travelling in tn
cars, dreading to be bored and feeling
miserable, man approached him, So
down, and said:
"Did you hear that last thing O,
Horace Greeley2"
"Greeley Greeley 2" said Artemus
Horace Greeley? Who is he Z"