The Albany register. [volume] (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, 1872-10-11
HUMOROUS.

| he rlcIls StlU Jew. citI Nclll-
son because 1t ish deer; | eat mutton
because 1t ish sheep"
Patience ON a moument' has no
reference to doctors patients. You
will tiEd them under a monument.
A Boston sculptor has just complet-
ed q statue of .Tochabed, the mother OF
Moses. The old lady, we regret to
say, is dead.
An old maid suggests that when men
break their hearts 1t Is all the same as
when lobster breaks one of his claws
another sprouts Immediately, and
grows in its place.
Some persons were discussing the
probable nationality ola very tall and
very slim foreign lady, who put on lln-
usual airs. Il think she Is a Swede. "
said one. IA Russian | think" VEN
tured another. Il think, F" said wag,
''she locks more like Pole"
''I'ye had the cholera morbus twice. +"
remarks an old line Democrat, "and
had it bad, but Iii be ID II |
ever had such cramps in my life as
when | swallered old Greeley.
'You have been here a long time. |
suppose" said a pompotis English
traveller to an old hunter In Oregon,
who had been acting as g.lide. You
bet | have, said the hunter and then
pointing to Mount Hood he continued.
You see that mountain thereg Well,
sir, when l first came to this country
that mountain was a hole IN the
ground =
A schoolmaster tells the following:
~ was once teaching in h small colln.
try village. The second morning of
the session had time to survey my
surroundings, and among the scanty
furniture Iespied a three legged stool.
is this the Ounce block p [ asked a
little girl Of five years. The dark eyes
sparkled, the c,lris nodded assent, and
the lips rippled out, 81 guess so. The
teacher always sits on it"
A Chicago reporter announces that
''the receipt of another ship load Of
blackberries from St. Joe, yesterday,
created a perceptible ripple in the
toothpick trade"
''They fired two shots at him.
wrote an Irish reporter, "the first
shot killed him, but the second was
not fatal"
An attendant at Mount Vernon not
long ago observered lady weeping
bitterly, her handkerchief to her eyes.
Going up to her, he said. ''Afe you
in trouble, madam" mo, sir, !" she
sobbed. II saw you weeping. \ ''Ah,'
she said,s "how can any one help weep
ing at the grave Of the Father of the
Country?" ooh, indeed, madam.
he said, ''that's it. Well, the tomb's
over yonder. This Is the ice-house. .
A witness in describing certain
events, said /: .'The person saw at
the head of the stairs was a man with
one eye named Jacob wilkins. y
"Wlat was the name ofhis other ~
spitefully asked the opposing council.
The witness was disgusted at the levi.
ty Of the audience.
The man with his lung tester who
accompanies Barnum and makes
penny by testing the wind of the null
titude, came to griet at Tere Haute
the other day. A healthy farmers
boy with chest on him like an en-
igrant's valise, drew In a mouthful Of
the atmosphere, wrapped q quarter
section Of his lips over the nozzle and
breathed. An explosion followed.
first of the machine and then of the
by-standers. and the Professor" was
heard to say, as he gathered up the
fragments. ale had been eating onions
that's what made his breath so strong"
Hands have they. yet steal not
Clocks. Legs have they. yet walk not
Tables. Teeth have they, yet chew
not-Comhs Lips have tney; yet
Kiss not-Pitchers. Eyes have they,
yet see not--Needlea. Hearts have
they, yet pity not-Cabbages. Ears
have they. yet hear not-Old book
leaves. Arms have they, yet toll not
Chairs.
The City Fathers Of Hartford have
decreed that pigs in the public thor
oughfares are b0res.
The Bishop OF Gloucester, who has
the disposal Of seventy llvings, thinks
the English church system Is a hum
bug.
Quite Right. A correspondent who
owns valuable horse objects to turn
ing him into a pasture for fear he
should Craze his knees.
Since Mr.. Beecher advocated bill.
iards at home, all the New Yorkers
are having billiard hall put into their
houses.
Napoleon left the seaside because
people ''stared at him so rudely.'
Mrs. Gubbins says her husband il
exactly like a tallow candle, because
he always will smoke when ishe going
out.
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