Rutland weekly herald. [volume] (Rutland, Vt.) 1859-1877, 1872-02-22
Humorous Headings.

The earth is dirty, but the sea is tidy.
A fool at forty is a fool indeed
Young.
A family Pa's-time-Nursing the
baby.
light.
Preferred creditors-Those who don't
Coming to grief-Meeting trouble half
way
Words are women, deeds are men.
An honest face is said 10 be the best
frontispieces
Which is the oldest womans club 2
The broomstick.
The best way 10 raise strawberries
With a spoon.
Guns are planted like trees, and
when planted they shoot.
4 druggist is not inappropriately term,
ed the chief piller of society.
Every man, except a dog, was lately
lost by an accident to a British ship.
When is woman like a sparrow A.?
When she is earnest (in her nest.)
The newspapers only send those re-
porters to cattle-shOws who are accus-
toned to pens.
The best way TO make a rice-pudding
the milky way.
What effect do fiourinG-mills have
upon IA town Make it flourish.
An artist is not as strong as a horse,
but he can draw a larger object.
Watering places that remain open all
winter-the mouths of milk cans.
1t is a mistake to suppose the sun Is
supported in the skies by its beams.
When a person says he wouldn't give
a fig for a thing, does he speak .fgura-
lively?
The moon furnishes the fist instance
on record of trust. She shines with bor-
rowed light.
Difference between a fisherman and a
schOol-bOy-the one bats his hook and
the other hates his book.
Art dogma-an artists wife never ad-
mires her husbands work so much as
when he is drawing her check.
Mark Twain promises to give every
consumptive who is not cured by camp.
life at Lake TohOe "a funeral which
will be a comfort TO them as long as
they live"
Loss of a China packet ship" ex-
claimed a literal-minded old lady, yester-
say, as she laid down a newspaper. Il
should think so, when even iron ones are
not always safe."
So much fun has been made of Horace
Greeley as a farmer that the Louisville
C0urjer-J0urnGI proposes that base
ball shall be abolished and Greeley pro
claimed the national game"
when distinguished American dies,
said a shrewd and sarcastic observer, not
long ago, ''his admiTing friends and
countrymen Immediately resolve TO
build him a magnificent monument, and
then they don't build it,"
Cotton Mathcr used to say there was
a gentlemen mentioned in the 18th chap
ter of Acts to whom he was more deep
ly indebted than almost anv other per
sOn-and that was the town clerk Of
Ephesus. whose counsel was to do moth
ing rashly.
\ lawyer prosecuting a thief recently
on circuit. remarked severely AT him that
Opportunity makes the thief
Not always, Sir, replied the inno-
cent. Il found big anchor and chain
cable on the pavement once, and didn't
touch it; and there was nobody about,
neither.
\ paper says, One Of the prettiest
sights the human eve ever rested upon
Is gold in it, liquid state" The human
cvy ia this vicinity would be satisfied if
If could SEQ any Of the metal i'm a solid
state.
Mr.. Speaker. said mcmhar OF the
Jamaica legislature. discussing a bin
for the regulation of the lumber trade,
Il know these timber merchants TO be
most egregiOus rascals-I was in the
timber line myself twelve years.
One Of 'our young girls, " at an exam
inatiOn in grammar, the other day, when
asked why the noun bachelor" was
singular, blushingly answered: BE
cause it is very singular they don't get
married. She went mp TO the head.
A New jersey editor has announced
the death Of his uncle in Australia, leay-
ing him a gold mine and 500, 1000. His
village cOtempOrary processes to regard
the matter as plan cunningly devised
to obtain credit for a box Of paper col
lars and straw hat.
The Hartford Post. commenting on
Mr.. Tiltons remark. thanking God that
the cloud began 10 show irssilyer lining,
says If that's the cloud the Tammany
band are under. ten TO one they steal the
lining"
i wish / was little French girl.
said teu-vcar old. why" inquired
her mamma. Because then / should
know two languages, How so2"-
why you know That ! can speak Eng
lish now. and French would make two"
Unprotected female Cawahing old gent.
who is not very well %. mister. would
you find the Captain: I'm sure we're in
danger, I've been watching the man at
the wheel; he keeps turning ii round
first one way and then the other, and
evidently doesn't know his own mind.
How is this for scene in church,
The place is a sacred cdificc in Bath.
Ne. The pew is crowded. The sermon
is long. 4 respectable citizen goes to
sleep. IN close proximity 10 him is a
lady. The preacher was in the midst Of
a closing prayer, when the slmbcrer
the congregation by grunting
in tone Of complaint Come, come,
Sarah. las along. Don't crowd so.
Lay over. lay over, Sarah. who was
fortunately in the pew also. never for
moment lost her presence of mind, but
timely poke with her
parasol, which awakened her dormant
lord, aud prevented any further remarks
on his part.
4 SISGULAR PHENoMENoS.-The
Worcester (Mass. SPY says: "a sin
gular electrical phenomenon is manifest
at dwelling on Pleasant street. In