The Cairo daily bulletin. (Cairo, Ill.) 1870-1872, 1872-05-18
A NEVADA FUNERAL.
BY MARK TWAIN.

BY MARK TWAIN.
There was grand time over Buck Fam
shaw when he died He was a represen-
tative citizen. He had CHILLED his man
not In his own quarrel, It is true, but in
the defense Of a stranger beset by num-
bers. He had kept sumptuous saloon.
He had been the proprietor Of u dasbing
helpmeet, whom he could have discarded
without the formality Of a divorce. He
had held high position in the fire de-
partment, and been very Warwick in
politics. When be died there was great
lamentat,on throughout the town, but
especially in the vast bottom stratum of
sscie.y.
On the inquest il was shown that Buck
Fanshaw, in the delirium of wasting ty-
phoid fever, had taken arsenic, shot him
self through the body cut his throat, and
jumped out of four-story window and
broken his neck; and after due de,bera-
tion the jury, sad and fearful, but with
intelligence unblnded by its sorrow,
brought in a verdict of death "by the Wis
itation of Cod What could the world
do without juriesr
Prodigious preparations were made fol
the funeral. All the vehicles in town
were hired, and all the saloons were pu,
in mourning, all the municipal and fire
company flags were hung at half mast
and all the fremen ordered to muster in
uniform and bring their machines duly
draped IN black.
Kegretful resolutions were passed and
various committees were appointed
among others, a committee of one wal
appointed to call on y minister--s fragile
gentle, spiritual new fedgling from an
Eastern theological seminary, and as we,
unacquinted with the ways Of the mines
The committeeman, "Scotty" Briggs, made
his visit.
Being admitted to his presence, he sat
down before the clergyman, placed his Are.
hat on an unfinished manuscript sermon
under the ministers nose, took from it a
red silk handkerchief wiped his brow and
heaved sigh Of dismal impressiveness ex.
planatory Of his business. lie choked and
even shed tears, but with an effort ht
mastered his voice, and said, in lugubrious
tones
"Are you the duck that runs the gospel
mill next door 2"
Am the,pardon me, I believe I Dc
not understand"
With another sigh and half sob Scotty
rejoined:
"Why, you see we are in bit of trouble
and the boys thought may be you'd Civ,
US a lift, If we d tackle you, that Is, if I've
got the rights of 1t, and you are the head
clerk of the doxology works next door.
~ am the shepard in charge Of the floch
whose fold is next door,"
1.-THE which p
1.-THE spiritual adviser of that little com.
pany Of believers whose sanctuary adjons
these premises"
Scotty scratched bis head, reflected o
moment and then said:
"You rather hold over me, pard.
reckon can't call that hand. Ante and
pass the buck"
"How? / beg pardon. What did !
understand you to ssy?'
"Well, you've rather got the bulge on
me. Or maybe we've both got the bulge
somehow. You don't smoke me and
don't smoke you. You see, one of the boyi
has passed in his checks, and we want L
give him good send-of, and the thing
am on now is to rout out somebody 4
jerk out little chin-music for us, anc
waltz him through handsome"
my friend, l seem to grow more ani
more bewildered. Your observations ar,
wholly incomprehensible to me. Can not
you simplify them some way? At first
thought perhaps understood you, bu
now l grope. Would it not expedite
matters il you restricted yourself tc
csteg orical statements of fact unincum
bered with obstructing accumulations Of
metaphor and allegory?"
Another pause and more reflection
Then Scotty said:
"Ill have to pass, I Judge"
"How?"
"You We raised me out, pard."
~ still fail TO catch your meaning"
"Why, that last lead OF yourn is too
many for ma-thats the idea can't nei
ther trump nor follow suit"
The clergyman sank back into his chair
perplexed. Scotty leaned bis head on biz
nand, and gave himself up to reflection
Presently his face came up, sorrowful blu
confident
"Tve got it now, SOS you can savvy, ,
said he. What we want is q gospel
sharp. See ~
"a what y
"Gospel-sharp, parson."
"Oh why did you not say so Def ore
l am Clergyman parson."
Now you talk You see my blind
and straddle it like man. Put it there >
extending brawny paw, which closed
over the minister's small hand and gave
il Il shake indicative of fraternal sympa.
they and fervent qualification.
"Now we're all right, pard. Let's start
fresh. Don't you mind me shutting lit
tie, becoz we're in power Of trouble.
You see, one Of the boys has gone up the
hume -
"Gone where?"
"up the hume-throw'd up the sponge
you know"
Thrown up the sponge? p
"Yes-kicked the bucket"
"Ah-has departed to that mysterious
country from whose bourne no tray eler re-
turns"
Returns? Well, l recon not. Why,
pard, he's Dead"
Yes, l understand,
NOh vOn do Wall IA