The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-02-23
Humorous.
How do they weigh cells with scales
when eels have no scales.

ing off his hat.
A Sioux City ghost has fallen into an
habit OF sitting in the yard
or bucket, with his head under his
arm, to the fright of passers by.
A German lager beer saloon keeper
in New York is too fat to get through
his doorway, anC has not been in the
street for several years.
A murderer who vas recently hanged
told the attenda Mt minister that If he
had received half a5 much attention
before being put in to prison, he never
would have been p there.
A minister asked tipsy fellow lean
ing up against fence where he expect
ed to go to when he died. "If can't
get along any better than 1 do nOw,"
he said, 81 ShaD't go anywhere"
An erudite Chicagoan, in the course
of description, alludiag to something
as being like "piling pitilion on
oysters" He is supposed to have refer
ence to Ossa and Pelion.
A Minnesota sheriff kindly allowed
q convict to step outside the penitentiary
a moment to kiss his wife, and the fam
lily tie proved SO strong that he has not
yet returned.
An Iowa Falls dog chased a rabbit
in to a hollow log and got fastened in
the log himself. For sixteen days that
dog is reported to have been in that
hole before he was rescued. Ire is re.
covering, but he has lost his bark"
A Kansas man sent for clergyman
to preach his wife's funeral sermon and
incidentally to marry him, at the close
Of the discourse, to a young. woman
whom he had selected on the death of
his spouse.
What are the points of difference be.
tween the Prince Of Wales, an orphan,
a bald head, and gorilla? The Prince
is heir apparent, an orphan has ne'er
parent, a bald head has no hair appar-
ent, and gorilla has hairy parent.
A man recently drawn as a juror at
White River Bottom, Ind, came in
from the country to state hat he hadn't
been to the city before for hirty years,
and did not know who had been Presi-
dent since Andrew Jackson.
A colored gentleman, havins been
brought before a magistrate and con-
yicted of pilfering, was asked: "Do you
know how to read ?'' "Yes, massa, q
little" "Well don't you ever make
use of the Bibe?" "Yes, massa, strap
him razor on him sometimes"
Some clever fellow has invented
new kind of ink, called "loveletter
ink" 1t is sure preventive against
all cases of "breach ofpromise," as the
ink fades away and leaves the sheet
blank in about four weeks after being
writtea upon.
A fair-haired, love sick youth in Ohio
presented his "girl" with pair of those
new tangled metallic garters on Christ
mas. He thought they were the latest
thing in bracelets, and he only discov-
cred his mistake upon requesting her
to TRY them on" He does not 60 there
any more.
The Pittsburg Commercial requests a
confiding public to believe that Miss
McCracken, who was caught up by the
storm in Youghiogheny Valley, on
Sunday last, was carried AGO yards, by
actual measurement, and fell through
an apple tree.
AT one of his lectures George Francis
Train shouted, "Now, then, anybody
can ask me questions" Whereupon
an old lady got up and said, "Mr. Train
| would like to know what makes pot
leg always burn IN two in the middle?"
The great Amer AN traveller was non
plussed.
: A Green county farmer recklessly
publishes the follow ug challenge: 81
will bet $42.25 that W hired man can
take longer to go to the harvest field,
get back to dinner quicker, eat more,
do less. and bear down harder on pan
: ell of the fence, than any other hired
, man within fifteen miles of the flag
staff in Jefferson"
p "Pease, sir" said an Irishman to a
? traveller, 'would yez be so oblaigiug as
: to take me great coat here to Boston
wild yeZ?" "Yes," said the man in the
g wagon; "but how will you get it
Y again?' "Oh, that's mighty aisy, so it
is" said Pat, "for shure I'll rename in
side NV it."
}. SIS this seat unoccupied?" asked an
I exquisite of an elderly lady of rustic
design in the cars at Norwalk, Saturday
Q evening. 81 don't know" said she
@ hastily, running herhands with great
@ deal Of feeling over the surface. SIT
@ feels mostly like plush, but you can't
:, always tell"
y A reverend gentleman was address,
ing school recently, and was trying
;. to enforce the idea that the hearts OF
!. the little one were sinful and needed
It regulating. Taking his watch and hold
Is ing it up, he said: Nov, here is my
d watch suppose it don't keep good
"a time now goes too fast and now toe
70 slow, what shall do with it ?" "Sell
10 it ~ shouted a tlaXen-haired youngster
- A little six years old boy was asked
10 by his teacher to write composition
on the subject of water, and the follow
ing is the production: "Water is good
:. to drink, to swim in, and to skate OF
IL when frozen. When | was little baby
J. the nurse used to battle me every morn
|. ing in water / have been told tina
; Ipjuns don't wash themselves but one,
v in ten years. L wish / was an Ipjun =
IS A demure looking chap hailed char
p coal peddler with the query, "Havt
- you got charcoal in your wagon ?"'Yes
10 SIR" said the eXpectant driver, stopping
/, his horses. "That's right" observed
t the demure chap, with an approving
A. nod "always tell the truth and peopl
, will respect you ~ and he hurried Oh
- much to the regret of the peddler, WHIT
o was getting out the wagon to look for
he brick.
~ A disconsolate editor out west, be
III moaning the loss of a wife, had the fol
o. lowing epistle engraved upon her tomt
stone "To the memory of Tabithi
wife of Moses Skinner, ESD, gentle
manly editor of the Trombone. Term
7h SO year, always in advance. A kin
lr- mother and exemplary wife. OfliC
en- over Coleman's grocery, up two fligh
AZ. of stairs. Knock hard. We shall mi
!, thee, mother; we shall miss thee. Jc
49, printing solicited"
he
n There will be nothing left for the
" Yankees to boast of if the Chinese ke,
's' on this way. A son of the Celesti
by Empire lately got run over in Chica
,r- by horse and wagon, and the own
.lv gave John five dollars TO say nothil
-; about it. This "Heathen Chine,
w wasn't hurt much, II any, and now