The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-04-12
Miscellaneous,
The Improved Weather System.
BY MAX ADELER.


intend, ultimately, to reform the
whole government Of the United States.
l shall tear it out, reconstruct it, shake
up some Kind of an original and sur
prising policy, aud begin all over again.
think l will run it on q contract some
how, and relieve the people of all their
present duties, except the duty Of Sup
plying cash.
But at present l am considering the
case Of the Probability man who med
dies with our great American weather.
l think he means well and tries consci-
enti0uoly to do his best, but his system
IS radically defective, and the conse.
quence is that his conjectures are de-
spicably incorrect quite half the time.
The Inconvenience caused by these mis-
takes, not only to the people generally,
but to me personally, is inconceivably
great, and it is not to be endured any
longer.
For instance, ii read in the mora
ing that this great Probability person
ent,rtains a conviction that we shall
have clear day in my neighborhood,
place confidence in his assurance. |
remove the roof Of my house in order
10 dry the garnet thoroughly, and I
walk down town with a new umbrella
under my arm. Now it is plainly evi.
dent that if, after all, it does begin TO
rain, and l am obliged to unfurl that
umbrella and ruin it with the wet, and
am compelled, when I arrive at home.
to witness my family floating around in
the dining room upon raft constructed
out of the old clothes horse and few
bed Stats and pie.board5, the govern
ment for which Washington died is
failure.
Or, suppose that our friend at tho
weather office asserts that Il thunder
storm is certain TO strike my section of
the country upon given day. l be.
lieVo him. | rush out my lightning
rods and buckle them to the chimneys
and set them around on the roof and
plant them out in the yard, and mvet
them upon the hired girl and I place
my family safely in feather beds in the
middle of the room, and drink all the
milk in the neighbOrhoOd, and prevail
upon the tax collector to go and stand
an hour or two under a tree where he
will be most certain to be struck by
lightning. And when all these arrange.
ments are completed, and feel equal
to tAo promised emergency, suppose
that thunder storm does not come?
When l watch that tax collector sally
out from under that outrageous tree
and begin to assess my property, count
ing in all those lightning rods at double
their cost, is there any reason to won
der that l sit and sigh for some respon.
siblo dcspot who will give Us Proba-
LiIity vino grasp5 the subject of the
weather, as il were, in more compre.
henslve manner?
But | know hlm now. lie shall never
again botray me as he did with that last
conjecture concerning the cyclone. He
said it would sweep over my distric! on
the morning Of the 5th, and so l arose
before daybreak and proceeded to ten
acre lot, where | fastened myself to a
sheet anchor, filed my pocket with pig
lead, fettered myself to tho fence and
placed my family in burglar proof
safe, which l tied 70 my leg, and fixed
the preserving kettle tightly over my
head with q dog chain in order to pre-
serve my hair. | stayed there until
five O'Clock in the afternoon waiting for
the simeon to swoop down upon me.
But it was failuro-a disgraceful fail
ure. The only thing of interest that
occurred was the mass meeting held by
the people Of the neighborhood. When
/ looked out from under the preserving
kettle early IN the afternoon, l was sur
prised to observe that the fence upon
tho four sides of the lot WAS filled with