The Democratic press. [volume] (Ravenna, O. [Ohio]) 1868-1901, 1872-06-27
The "Fat Contributor i" as a
Candidate for President.

The STAT Contributor as a
Candidate for President.
The hour has struck. l can hesitate
mo longer. The highest interests of
the nation demand that present my
self before the American people as a
candidate for President. / have
waited for some one else to bring me
out, but no one seems to have thought
of me. And / don't think very much
of myself, but man don't want TO
think much of himself to be candi-
date for President nowadays. If he
had any seif-regard at the outset, he
would think very little of himself by
the time the campaign was over
/ am one of the people, might say,
one of the boys. I came up from OBJ
security, and l have brought a good
deal of obscurity mp with me. l never
had any politics-or much else-but |
arm g Liberap to fault, ready to re-
eeiye votes from any quarter, although
/ am not prepared 10 give quarters
for any votes,
As for a platform, snit yourselves.
gentlemen. The lecture platform
would probably suit me as well as
any other. Having stood on nearly
every platform in the country, it
would be difficult for you TO get up a
platform couldn't stand OH. In the
absence of platform, give me four
aces, and I'll " stand on tlrat.
/ am the especial friend of the la
!, boring man. No man likes to see a
man work better than do. In fact,
l had rather see a man work than
. work myself. am not only ayerse
to working more than eight hours,
but l am opposed to working a single
blamed hourt p -
I am in favor of paying the national
debt. 1t is, in fact, the only debt that
am in favor of paying. And rather
than not see it paid during my admin
istration, | engage to pay it out of my
own pocket.
As far as the civil service is con-
cerned, all can say is, if the country
will do civil service by me and elect
me, / am ready TO do civil service
~by the country. No one can speak
not no fairer nor that.
Retrenchment is my motto. If you
can't put retrenchment plank in the
platform, put in a board. I am ready
to work without any salary, but j
shall insist upon my board.
am inclined to free trade, prefer
ring to feel free to trade whenever ]
please, but if Tariff plank is neces-
sary TO my election, put 1T an! I shall
get on Tariff amt elected.
Pledge me as strong as you please
to the temperance folks. The tenn
perance pledge don't hurt anybody.
i am not only in favor OF women's
rights, but of women's rights-and-
lefts, If they prefer to wear them.
am in favor of women voting, pro-
vided they vote for me; and l see no
reason why q woman shouldn't hold
Office, except perhaps the difficulty oi
getting hold of it.
/ may be asked how / would treat
the Indians. wouldn't "treat" them
at all. They have been treated too
much and too often. My private
opinion is that it will be treat when
there isn't an Injun left this side oil
the happy huntiDg-grounds.
No relative can hold office under
Bsy administration, no matter whether
he is my relative or the relative OF
some other man. / shall appoint
mono but old bachelors, childiess wild
overs and Orphans. 1 have few
relatives of my own holding office
now, but they shall be promptly
kicked out as soon as / am elected.
One br0ther-in-law has little coal
Office on~the dock he must give il
up. A third cousin drinks too much
occasionally and gets Office foot. He
can't get Office under me. You see ]
am determined to reduce the<s rela-
tive expenses of the government.
Iengage not 10 receive any gift, un-
less it be the highest Office i'll The gift
of the people. IF I am ever called
'onr present Chief Magistrate"
won't be chief magistrate of pres
ents; anyhow, there would probably
be few presents that could command.
What few natural gifts | have, how
ever, | shall beg 10 retain, as they are
not worth making any fuss about
stand by the old constitution that
has been tried. No man has tried his
old constitution more than l have
tried mine. j accept the amendments,
every one of them. When il comes
TO amends I can shout Amen! as loud
as any one.
/ understand there is an ambitions
man named George Francis Train,
who aspires to be President OH his
promise to free Ireland. Iengageno
only to free Ireland, but TO make Irish
whisky free into the bargain. shall
at least be able to tie George Francis
on the popular vote, unless one or the
other of us is prevented from going
to the polls. 1 believe / could even
tieithe Davenport Brothers.
shall inaugurate wholesale eman-
cipation business as soon as am in
augurated. / engage to emancipate
women from the thraldom of fashion,
to give the boys" their rights, and
abolish the cruel edict which excludes
children in arms from the elevatino
and purifying influences of the thea
tres. / pledge myself to free every.
body and to free postage: to free soil
free pews in churches, free press, free
pasees free drinks and tPeebootors