Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1872-05-07
.Las2sch for Hata'aO9'6sts.

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Mark Twain's last-A daughter.
A dolly Warden Cough Elixir is an
nounced
volume that will bring tears to your eyes
A volume of smoke. -
Railroads have three guages: broad guage,
narrow guage, and mortgage.
Does the backwardness of the Spring justify
anybody in feeling lack-o' daisy cal?
"Cleanlness is next to goodness. Ii that
is so, cake of good soap is better than poor
sermon. 4 m
In Indiana, bashful young men pop the ques-
tion by asking the fair ones to ''slide down the
hill of life with them.
A couple of Marshalville, Iowa, lip-suckers
were run over by locomotive while sparkling
on the track.
An Alabama paper calling attention to the
advertisement of Federal assessor, invites Its
readers to "look out for the U. 5. Ass.
Some one says that the lion and the lamb
NAV ''lie down together in this world, but
when the lion gets up it will be hard work to
find the lamb. just so.
The last question that has troubled philoso-
nhers is this: Which causes girl most pleas
ure, to hear herself praised or another girl run
down?
Southern paper tests our credulity with
this "a Florida negro ate two bushels OF dried
apples on a bet, refreshed himself at the town
pump, and burst.
The other day one girl asked another to
dance with her. Indeed [ WON'T" was the
reply: what do want another girl hugging
me for?' Sensible girl. ''Yes-she-is
A Michigan lady named Dinklespelt said she
couldp't live with such horrid name any
longer. She therefore the other day married a
man named John Gusdoferchemerhogwago
The ACKNOWLEDGMENT guadge fraulein Eco
dora, Duchess of SAKE Observation-Disclosures
sen is dead IT'S a pity that such short,
pretty name should be lost to the world.
''Sir, l will make you feel the arrows of my
resentment.
"Ah. miss, why should ] fear your arrows
when you never had beau?1
Somebody wrote to IT. g., says the Lowell
Courier, inquiring the best method of preserv-
ing farm tools. The philosopher advised the
best loaf sugar, pound for pound, and boil one
hour.
I pant for redress of woman's wrongs; |
pant for freedom calculated female womans
wrong Fighter. A pair of fine pants, muttered
her husband and | wish you would return
them
You say, said Judge to a witness, that the
plaintiff resorted to an ingenious use OF cir
cumstantial evidence state just exactly what
you mean by that Well, sir, my exact mean
ing is that he lied.
Susie said teacher to one his of pupils, you
shouldn't make faces You ii grow up homey
if you make faces. Susie looked thoughtfuly
In the teachers face moment, and then inno-
Gently asked. Did you make faces when you
was little girl?
A bookbinder said to his wife at the we'd
ding: at seems that now we are bound to-
gether, two volumes in one, with clasps. =
Eyes" observed one of the guests, lone side
highly ornamented Turkey morocco, and the
other plain cali. "
A modest young lady at the table, desiring
the leg of chicken, said: II take the part
which ought to be dressed in drawers. !" A
young gentleman opposite, replied: II take
the part which ought to wear the hustle =
The young lady tainted, and was carried out on
a salver.
Olive Logan commenced one of her lectures
at Newark, recently, with the remark -
whenever | see pretty girl, | want to clasp
her in my arms so do we," shouted the |
boys in the gallery. For moment Olive was
but, recovering her self-possession,
1t is an old anecdote, but good one, which
declares that the son of Erin's Isle, wandering
along one of the roads of Connecticut, and
meeting there most pious and solemn resi-
dent of that locolity, asked him, IAN PLACE
yer honor, will ye be SO kind as TO tell me
where this road L IN walkin in ladies' to p was
answered In deliberate tones, sit leads to
h-l;'' and Erin replied, "Faix, an by the
looks of the country and its inhabitants do
be thinkin' I'm most there
AN ACCOMPLISHED MAN-In one of the |
Eastern counties of West Virginia, there lived |
a little boy who had smart father. He knew |
this was rather an uncommon circumstance, |
and he used sometimes to boast of it. One |
day he was holding forth on this subject to |
crowd in the village store
''My father" said he, can do almost any
thing. He's notary public and he's 'poth
ecary and he can pull teeth and he's horse
doctor and he can mend chairs and wagons
and things and he can play the fiddle and he's |
a regular jackass at all trades. !"
MY FATHERS COMM "A young urchin |
was employed to sweep the chimney of house
in Macclesfeld, and having assembled to the |
summit of has profession. took survey. This |
completed, he prepared to descend, but mis-
taking the fue, he found himself, on his land
ing, in the office of limb of the law, whose |
meditations were put to fight. The sensation |
OF both parties it is impossible to describe-the |
", terrified lest he should be punished, stood |
veted to the spot, and the lawyer struck |
admo, started from his seat the very image of
9orror, put spoke not. Sooty, however, soon |
creased the terrors of the man of law. cried |
o1t, my fathers comm directlv This was
enough. The presence of such an enn;vocal
being, so introduced, unnerved his heart with
one bound the affrighted lawyer few down
stairs. and sought refuge In the street from the
enemy.