Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1872-11-08
HunOr.

While mendlng pants and jackets.
HumOr.
A rare fower-the pink Of politeness.
Forgers to be encouraged -Blacksmiths
How to cut well-Turn your back on
him.
Fee simple-Money given to quack
DOCTOR
Music is the food Of love-boef and NUT
ton that of m atrimony.
"Do right and fear not, is what the girls
say to their correspondents.
''You're queer chicken" as the hen
said when she Matched out duck.
When is beau's arm like the gospel p
When it maketh glad the waist places
A secret has been defined as anything
made known to everybody in whisper
''The Pacific Slope Quaker peace
commissioners running from the Indians.
Early rising was once an indication Of
thrift, but now it indicates that ,nau is
thirsty.
Cleanliness is next to goodness If
that is so, cake Of good soap is then a poor
sermon.
''This is the rock of ages" said the faith
er, after rocking two hours, and the baby
still awake
1t is now pretty generally agreed among
historians that the first bores on record were
the Roman augurs.
Next to the ''littlc busy bee" the boot
black furnishes the brightest example of i'm
proving the ''shiniug hour"
A prudent matchmaking mamma gave
the following candid advice to her daughter
"Oh, marry the man you love~if he is as
rich as Croesus.
''The whole thing has gone to the devil"
said gentleman Of some unfortunate spec
u!ation "Nevermind said Jerrold, you'll
get it back when you die. 4
A young man who ought to be ashamed
of himself, in commenting on the fremen's
parade, said that wet day was always IA
vorable for an exhibition of hose.
Feeling remark -"Happy is the country
that has no history" as the school-loy said
on being logged for the chird time for not
knowing who was Henry the Sixth wife.
An editor says his ancestors have been in
the habit Of living 100 years. His oppo-
nent responds by saying that "that was
before the introduction of capital punish
ment"
An editor says his brilliant ideas are
like his shirt buttons they are always off
when be is in a hurry" That is because be
treats them as he does his buttops-he don't
"husband'' them.
Bonnets and round hats are so much alike
nowadays, that a criterion by which they
may be distinguished is greatly needed If
the strings are tied under the chignon-bat;
if under the chin-bonnet.
The Cedar.Rapids folks complain that
there is no sidewalk leading to the cemete-
rv and their editor out there consolinely
assures them that, if they will only have pa
tience, they can all ride some day.
"You are the new boy, amt you? Look
here, do you collect stamps?' Second
school-boy: Yes. First school-boy -
Then there's one for you"-coming down
heavily on the victims toes and then run
ming off.
ssHow do you get along with your arith.
metic ?" asked father Of bis little son, who
answered and said: GIVE cyphered through
addition, partition, subtraction, distraction,
abomination. justification, hallucination, de.
rivation, amputation, creation and adop-
ton p
A little girl in New York orphan asy-
lum, who was punished for scratching an
other little girls face, by being required to
learn verse from the Bible, was allowed
to make her own selection, and chose the
first verse Of Psalm IA: blessed be the
Lord, my strength, which teacheth my
hands to war, and my fingers to fight"
BADLY ORA Western editor relates
that he once stopped at restaurant in
Washington, and, noticing that the waiter
was uncommonly sober, asked him If he was
sick. eyes," very CURLY. 81 is" "What's
the matter ?" "Why, sir, Washin' ton's
the wus place ever I see When it's dry
you can't see where you're gwine, and when
it's wet you can't Co."
WHAT THE PIG DIED oF.-There was a
miser who was considered impregnable to
charitable associations until Hibernian ge
MUS "came Paddy over him." Teddy went
to his Office one morning, and told piteous
story about losing his pig, the only one he
had. "Shure," says Teddy, "Misthress
-" (naming very excellent lady, whose
good opinion old Hard Fist was anxious to
retain), "towld me to come to ye, for ye |
wor very rich, and gev power of money
to the poor, God bless you! I only want
to raise enough to buy me another little
ship Of a pig" The miser couldn't resist
the influence of Mrs. -, SO he gave Ted
dy crown. A few days afterwards he met
him. "Well, Teddy" said he, "did you
buy another pig p "Troth did and fine
.co - 10 - sdThen take hetter caro- of II