The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-09-06
Humorous.

barrels of whisky, besides what we
waste making bread"
| A Green Mountain cheese maker
found eighty.six angle worms in can of
milk purchased of fellow. .townsman.
| There was something the matter with
that mans COW.
"I can't drink liquor" said Bob, "it
goes right to my head" "Well," said
Bob's friend, "where could it go with
less danger OF being crowded."
| A Vermonter, who sent for one of the
$2.5 so hand sewing machines advertised
in the papers, received shoe-maker's
awl, worth about ten cents.
The Jacksonville Journal has this de-
| licate personal item "Those who know
nice old Mr. Wilson, of this place, per-
sonally, will regret to hear that he was
assailed in a brutal manner last week
and not killed."
A chicken thief on Long Island tried
| to enter the hen house of a farmer not
knowing that big dog was chained
near by. His bill at the nearest apoth-
| ecary'5 for liniment and sticking plas-
ter has been thirty dollars, and he can
now put on his pantaloons comfortably.
Fritz Observation-Disclosures
menstronsehorn, of Hamburg, Germa-
ny, registered his name at the Windi-
ate House, Manitowoc, on the 3D.. The
landlord Immediately opened a new
book for the accommodation OF travel
lers.
Two years ago Connecticut man re-
ceived gross insult from neighbor
who lives quarter of a mile or more
from him. After long meditation he
has now purchased peacock and a
jackass and anchored them in field adj
Joining his neighbor's back yard.
A preposterous story is circulating
| to the effect that sportsmen in New
Jersey mistake mosquetoes for snipe.--
The much greater length of the Jersey
| mosqueto'5 bill should render sue
| error impossible.
A Detroit gentleman one hundred
and five years old has lately been troub-
led with a failing in his eye.sight, and
his doctor thinks it's the result of smok-
ing to excess for the last ninety years
or 80.
Mr.. Theodore Tilton says in his pa.
per:
"Save me from God who damns."
An acquaintance replies:
"We should like to do it, my boy,
but the thing is impossible"
A Kentucky paper says that mem.
ber of the Legislature of that State sent
up the following to the Clerk "Leeve
is asked to bring in A Bill to altar the
time for the Legislature to meet. Re.
furred to the comfy on Religen."
Sometimes proposition gains a
point by being put into rhyme, and the
Positivist finds his origin very happily
traced in these lines
There was an ape in the days that were earlier:
Centuries more gave a thumb to his wrist
Then he was man and Positivist.
When Barnum's cannibals offered one
of the spectators at the show last night
ten dollars if he would give them his
little boy on the half.shell for breakfast
this morning, "my little boy is not for
sale," replied the fond parent, "but I've
got Stalled mother-in law you can
have for half the money. ."-LouiSrale
Courier Journal.
In France an inventor of boots with
which to walk on the water made a
public experiment, when, says the ac-
count, the boots indeed floated, but the
inventor, with his head under water,
seemed to be carrying on conversation
with the fishes, which would have pro.
baby ended with his suffocation If q
boat bad not picked him up.
Jones and his wife were always quar-
reling about their comparative talents
for keeping a fire. She insisted that
just 80 surely as he attempted to rear
range the sticks with the tongs he
put the fire out; One night the
church bell sounded an alarm, and
Jones sprang for his fire bucket, eager
to rush to the conflagration. "Mr.
JONES'" cried his wife, as he reached
the door, "take the tongsv
At funeral lately, there stood in the
house of the defunct an old-fashioned
clock, which, when it finished the an
nouncement of the meridian hour, was
minister was in the midst of his sermon
when, noon having arrived, the clock
comm snced striking twelve. In very
solemn tone he impressed on his hear
ers the inevitable flight of time but
the exhortatiou was evidently ineffec-
| tive, as the clock instantly followed
with the CHEEKY old notes of Take your
time, Miss Lucy"
The city editor of Western paper,
whose son is a clerk in the Post Office,
has not seen the latter for long period
of time, owing to the fact that the fa-
| ther returned to bed ere theson return
ed home, and in the morning the father
always left before the son got out ofhcd.
One morning the lady of the house
managed to get the father and son TO.
gether at the breakfast table, and hy
way of joke remarked: ''Son. let me
introduce you to your father" Hoy
do you do, father" said the hopeful
"I don't remember ever having met you
before, but have heard ma speak If
you"
An Irishmau being recently on tri Il
for some offence, pleaded mot guilty"
and the jury being In the box, the
State Solicitor proceeded to call M.
Furkisson as a witness. With the ~
most Innocence, Patrick turned his face
to the Court, and said, "D0 / undtr
stand, your honor, that Mr.. FurkiSsou
is TO be witness fornenst me again ?'
The Judge said, dryly, at seems SOD
"Well, then your honor, plead gui f.,
sure, am your honor plaise; not h''
cause am guilty, for l am as innocent
as your honor's sucking baby, but just
on account of saving Mr.. Furkisson'5
soul"
A most astonishing old gentleman
has turned up, a miracle of a Methuse-
lah, in Prescott, Wis. The popularity
of this venerable person Is, that al
though he is only 100 years of age, he
remembers the Boston Tea Party, and
show his mother hid her tea to be used
in case of sickness" He remembers all
this, though the great Boston tea.brew-
ing took place eight years before he was
born, SO that his memory is equally as
tonishing with his longevity. When
he was 16 years old, he voted for Wash
ington.' All he has to say about diet l.
that 'he has eaten what the rest did.
Such remarkable creature could only
have been born in Connecticut, and hi'
: name is David Stiles.
A young man in New York was thu
victim of misplaced confidence shor
time ago. He was particularly swee
: on a very young girl, and called one ev
!. ening, having previously paid her seye
raj visits. The girls parents, thinking