The Van Buren press., 1872-05-21
> T'7'''7-7'
MISCELLANY.
A Horrible Story.

Yes, that is exactly what we said to tn
wife of our bosom, in response to wha
we considered very revolutionary ex
clamaton on her part. We had just go
home to tea, had taken up the paper, ant
were nobly struggling with a very luci'
editorial which went on to show, in re
markably thrilling manner, that if tn
duty on the raw material Of cotton wa
reduced ole-sixteenth per cent, that ex
actly 1854 mechanics would be reduced
to starvation, and the average duration
Of their existence depressed to the loga
rithm of44,S ,S52. We laid down the paper
took our glasses of, rubbed them will
our handkerchief, readjusted them OF
the bridge of our Grecian nose, and look
ing straight at the partner Of our joys
sorrows, and salary, said;
"You want what 2"
"a Dolly Varden,'" the old lady ex
claimed, somewhat cxcitedly, at the same
time spilling some Of the cup OF tea she
WAS handing us, upon the last born's
rather defencsless head After the baby
had been suppressed, which took some
tlino, sue Iepcateu:
"A Dolly Warden !! ,"
With all the solemnity OF which we are
possessed, and we have enough to change
plank into coffin by simply looking at
it, we arose in our seat, and, with that
celebrated wave Of the hand Of Henry
Clay when he bado farewell to the Senate,
said:
"Madam, you are we'll acquainted with
the fact that my position rs reviewer
Of current literature, an honorable posi-
ton, Madam, which, ! may remark in
parsnthesis. supplies this tendor brood
with life. sustalning bread and keeps the
.aI Won from , the door, here he gracefully
inc tho. the wolf was prowling around
among the gooscberry bushes) entities
me to speak understandiugly upon the
character of fiction Now, as take it,
Dolly Warden was the lovely daughter of
Gabriel Warden, the locksmith Of Lon.
don, as will be ascsrtained by reference
to Barnaby Rudge," written by the
late lamented Charles Dickens. in this
view Of the case, if |, whom am but in
the prime of life, should have said, 81
would like to have Dolly Warden "
"You'ro a fool, old man sit down, Ill
show you what mean. Matilda, bring
your father the last number Of Harper 8
Bazaar.
Matilda is our oldest, the flower Of our
flock, her fathers pride, her mothers joy.
She arose, took position No. OF her
dancing lessons taught in the very select
academy Of Prof Hoppety Skippety,
where she is scholar, and glided like a
sunbeam from the room. 1--WE would
not like to be qualified to tho fact that
we over saw sunbeam glide from the
room, but that's the way the writer's put
it, and that's the way she glode.)
She returned with the paper, and our
wife proceeded at once to move upon
our intrenchments with what she meant
by dolly Warden" " The wonders OF
this dress at last stole upon our mind.
We were told that it was all the rage,
that nothing else was fashionable, and
that our position in society depended on
having at least one Dolly Warden in the
family.
In an evil hour we consented. The
Dolly Warden should bc bought. and
With many an inward groan we counted
out the cash, :,
We had not as yet had eur eyes glad
denod With q sight Of this wonderful ere
anon =, .,shion. The description gave
us was Vague and hazy, ~. we ""''<'
patiently for the denoucment. And We
didn't wait in vain. We saw the Dolly
Warden ut last, and tho shock to our ner
yous frame was tremendous.
Returning home one night VIC missed
from tho supper table the presence OF oul
wife. TO Matilda we said:
"Where 10 your mother, child ?"
"Her dress has just come home, and
she wants to surprise you in it,, an
swersd our daughter.
Suddenly the door swung open, and
lady entered.
There was sort Of wild look in he
eve, as we immagined, rs she was attire'
in the most outlandish style, having oi
dress with sun flowers and cabbage
and pumpkins worked all over it, and {
lot Of snakes squirming around for
background. i,
Rising, we said, MADAM whom d.
you wish to see P supposing, you know
that the girl had let her in.
She simply stared at US. :,
"Poor thing she's crazy, We added
Just look with what q grotesque fanc
she has bedecked herself Speak to hoi
Matilda, OF call your mother;" and ha'
ing said this sighed compassion"tely
and shook our head in mournlul mai
ncr.
Suddenly that weird female made
bolt a, us, grasping our Adams apple
a fisndish manner, and choksd us mt
our face looked like a banner oftho Con
mune.
We had barely breath enough left
gasp, Woman, what mean you? Nj
tilda spring a rattle out of tho parlor vii
dowr, whom the supDoscu maniac mol