The daily phoenix. [volume] (Columbia, S.C.) 1865-1878, 1872-08-01

A., BOTTLE. OF. PORTER. comes
Gen, Horace Porter, and conveys to
some enterptising reporter his views of
the political situation. Gen. Horace
Porter is dunkey-in-chief to his Excel
lency the President of the Uuited States;
he holds the position of military valet in
the Executive household, and is expect
cd to perform those services which are O
little abov6 the sphere Of an ordinary
servant, and a little below the tastes OF
weii.bred gentleman. When the Pre-
sident lakes. snuff; Nen. Horace Porter
feels eGmRe!fed to i9rze; when the Pre-
sident visits the royal atabies. Gen. Ho
race Porter sxHDin6s the equine favor
ties with 'hiS Imaster, and foffsrs such
suggestions as his!'jockey Judgment die
tates; when the Prcsid ent Visits the royal
kennels. Gen. Horace Porter becomes a
neat edition, bound IN calf, of "Youatt
on the Dog, ,"~and 1asrnedly discusses
the varioqe points and. proctivities IF the
happy barksEe; When iEHe President airs
himself on :4hg ::ayenns. Gen. Horace
Porter walks khte6 paces in the rear, and
sees that not thing Suhseemfy comes be-.
tween tfe'winn andatRe Presidential no.
bility; eMhsn 'the president lreosfves a
delegation. G ahetal Horace Porter is on
hand TO pass cigars and inject ideas into
the PRESIDENTIAL brain; aud when the
Presideht goes to Hong Branch; he car
ries Gen. Horace Porter with him to
look after the baggage and entertain
such guest" as in Presidential opinion
deserve nothing more than the atten-
ton of au nnderling 'rrhe President
would find it exceedingly difficult to get
along without the assistance of General
Horace Porter, and General Horace Por-
ter has very nice thing, which he
would like to keep four Eybars more.
Therefore, General Hornce Porter is
highly indignant at the probability that
on and after the fourth day of March
next, there will be no further use for
him at the White House, and that he
Will have to hunt Apaches; catch Ku
Hlux or retire to the biisstul obsourity of
private life. In General, Hotaue Porter
estimation, the present incumbent should
occupy the chair Of State. for. life, on the
sole condition that General Horace Por.
ter is to he retained as! the bright parti-
cular ornament of the Presidents do
mestic staff. il General Horace Porter
had his say, there would be no election,
but an ThdeinitB continuance of the
Grant dynastYI with Porter accompani-
ments. So,; when General Horace Por-
ter unpacks his BOSOM of the political
wisdom therein concentrated, the coun.
try ought to take off it's hat and listen to
the oracle, knowing that on Porter there
Is no discount and inv him no manner of
guile. III
General Horace Porter having given
the subject the prayerful consideration
inspired by tender stomach and sus-
ceptible pocket. boldly declares that sif
Horace is elected; the American people
will be entirely responsible which, we
take it, is about the most sensible remark
General Horace Porter ever made.
Moreover, General Horace Porter affirms
that "the Democrats are thoroughly dis
gusted with Greeley"-which, we take it,
IL about as brilliant falsehood as Gene
raj Horace Porter ever uttered. General
Horace Porter says he has heavy list OF
prominent Democrats ''of great standing
and lifelong reputation" who have
volunteered to take the stump for Grant
which, we take it, is one of those
cock-and-bull stories for which the Por-
ter family are so remarkable. Finally,
General Horace Porter "entertains no
doubt of Grants election which view
os the case, 20 .ahe it, is the result OF
an incurable obliquity of mental vision
quite natural under the circumstances.
If the American people were all built
on the plan which the Creator adopted
in constructing General Horace Porter,
the success of Grant would indeed be q
foregone conclusion; but as very large
majority OF them defeat the funkeyism,
the snobbishness. the corruption and
the manifold abuses which Grant and
Porter represent, we must decline placing
implicit faith in the assertions or predio.
tions OF that sweetest scented flower in
all the Presidential garden-General Ho-
race Porter.-&. Louis Republican.
Saint Timothy's Hall, an extensive
military SCHOOL in the winter and large