Watertown republican. [volume] (Watertown, Wis.) 1860-1906, 1872-01-03
Wit. Humor and Wisdom.

= THE bankers motto-FfYVe take no
!. note on time.
). The only woman that women fear
Mrs Grundy.
n OUGHT to be esput down carpets at
It this season of the year.
l. l. MANS greatest enemy is the wine~
r glass; woman's is the looking glass.
i A POWERFUL stationery engine-the
: pen.
To BE handled with care-reputa-
tions.
The woman who marries for a home
pays ten times the worth CT 1t.
9 Why does sculptor die the most
horrible of deaths He makes faces
and busts
WHEN is that domestic JOY, the baby,
''too thin 2" Why, when it's toothin',
! of course.
CONTRACTED a severe and lasting
cold, - is the latest California euphenl-
ism for dead.
; HENRY LAFAYETTE, an old soldier Of
the first Napoleon, is now in an asylum
at Fort Wayne, Ind.
MARKETMEN are meroiful to poultry.
After the chickens are clean picked
they generally retail.
WHY do hens always laythe1r eggs in
the day time2 Because at night they
are roosters.
AN Evansville school-boy defined a
lady to be "a growed-up girl, who
dosn>t cuss nor swear"
WHY are washerwomen the silliest of
people 2 Because they put out their
, tubs to catch soft water when # rains
hard
A DUTCH Justice gives the following
oath to witnesses ''You do awfullY
swore you will tell the trnth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth, the
best what you amt. :"
A MAN reading newspaper asked an
other: "What's the Bohemian diet,
about which we hear SO much Of late 2"
'Free lunches" was the reply.
WHY did the Highlanders do most
execution at Waterloo2 Because every
man had one kilt before the battle be.
gan.
/ 'sOUR children will have immense
tax on their hands, said q gentleman.
30 horrible !" exclaimed an elderly
lady, Etwhat blessing we have nails ON
ours"
Chow HOLLOW it sounds ~ exclaimed
q patient under the movement cure, as
the physician was vigorously pounding
his chest. ''Oh, that's nothingl" said
the doctor ''wait until we ge5 to the
head"
EYoU say, said Judge TO witness,
'4that the plaintiff resorted TO IN ingen-
ious use of circumstantial evidences
state just exactly what you mean by
that s9Well, " said the witness, ''my
exact meaning is that he lied. =
f'Au, Dick, have buried my brother
since l saw you" F'Served HIM right,
said Dick. sfWhat do you mean, sir ~
was demanded Why" said Dick,
"Would it have been serving him right
to leave him unburied -
| THE Mobile Register is getting up
new edition of the Book of Proverbs.
Here is a sample: BLESSED is the wo
man who compoundeth a pudding in
silence, for she is more to be enyied
| than she who makes tart reply"
AN old Dutchman, who some years
ago was elected member of the Cana
dian Legislature, said, in his broken
English style even I vent to de
lechislature, I fought would ind dem
oil Solomons dere, but soon found
dere vas some as pick fools dere as I
vas. !"
A CAT in Fitchburg lay down in fly
wheel early one morning, and was not
discovered till the engine had been
running three horus; dog then detect
ed her and gave the alarm. When the
engine was stopped the cat was rescued
uniniured. after making sixty reyolu-
tions minute for three hours
sT HAVE ever been your friend, roar
ed G. T. Train to colored audience OF
twenty-feur, at Memphis, one night
last week. g What is the reason that
so few of you are present here tonight,
when only charge you ten cents, and
the other night [ charged dollar 3
Can any of you colored men tell me the
reason of this ?" A colored Citizen
"Hecause you called us 'cocoanuts' III
the newspapers - Roars of laughter.
Train explained that this was lie in
vented by his wicked partners, the SEN
sational press.
JOHN G. WHITTIER, writing from
"Amesbury II Mo. g." says: fI re-
gret that am not able to avail myself
of your invitation TO the dinner to I'll.
[. 81. the Grand Duke Alexis" His
Imperial Highncss" would have been
great stretch for the mouth of George
i Fox, who used to write go Klng
that being form of address nowhere
spoken against in the Scriptures. How
ever, Mr. Whittier is in all essentials
an excellent good Quaker, and he may
write "July" or "Thursday," if he
. ~, (N11s1 oy
thing, except saying Goodbye" to us.
To add to the curiosities of the Itch
borne case, it now appears that it is
being conducted by the lawyers on
either side without fee. This unusual
feature was developed in the fifty
; fourth day of the trial, when, to COM
pose some irrevelent wrangling OF coun-
sci, the Chief Justice quoted the Old
rhyme
Lawyers have more common sense
Than argue at their own expense.
Whereupon Mr. Sergeant Ballantyne
made the startling declaration that the
funds on his side were all gone, but
that counsel, having undertaken the
case, felt that they ought not to aban-
| don it because money could not be
found to carry 1t ON. So much mag
l nanimity at once from SO unexpectea d
quarter charmed heaudience into Iouo
: applause, but the Chief Justice, we az
told, "looked astonished
:. The New York Commercial Advertls'
! er saws: GA few days before the de'
:. parture of the Grand Duke, one OF the
: m fair daughters Of Gotham, who had .9, be- be,
= come ACQUAINTED and fiirted with MS
;. ;. RICHNESS at the naval ball, sent HIM a
J carrier dove with her card attached
: Alexis was greatly amused at this sag-
g g gestive compliment, and meetins TIE
y y beautiful donor the other evening at
T + the the opera, he laughlngly referred to
- - the incident, declaring that her lngen-