The Columbian. [volume] (Bloomsburg, Pa.) 1866-1910, 1872-10-11
Humorous.

DlO tuc
THEY allude to bald-headed men in
Colorado as "persons with their heads
above timber line."
A PHILADELPHIA paper says that
the course of q certain New York Jour.
nal "is enough to make hen SMILE"
A CINCINNATI wife left her hus.
bands board, but took the bed with her.
lie is puzzled TO know how to word
legal notice of warning to- prospective
creditors.
THIS is personal item in the most
approved style of the Western papers
"Jacoby Bumgardner blew into the
muzzle of his gun TO see ifit was loaded.
1t was. Funeral on Sunday"
MISS LoTTIE GRANT, who weighs
four hundred and eighty-two pounds, is
on exhibition at western fair, and
crazy paragraphist says that though she
does not hold Office, her position Is a fat
one.
A NEW dish Is grape leaves fried in an
egg batter. 1t is called a French dish,
and Is imported from Lake Mahopac.--
We cant think of anything that would
be more delicious than fried grape
leaves, unless it is a circus poster on
toast.
A MILwAUK EE paper tells about
suit of clothes found at the foot of tree
from which the occupant appeared to
have been eliminated by flash of light
ming.
A DUBUQUE damsel, young, uuas.
suming and pretty as a pink, recently
entered gin mill, kicked over table,
drew her "Colt's' on the dispenser Of
liquids, and waltzed her parent out on
his ear.
THE Griffin (Ga.) Ne,os reports new
style of female regulator. A man went
to work to set his family to rights, and
accordingly whipped his wife, his Sis
ter, and his mother-in-la law, and at last
accounts was looking for some more Of
the family.
A GENTLEMAN was fretting about TIE
loss of an overcoat and umbrella thNt
had been stolen from his hall, and petu.
lantly said, "Besides, it's such waste
of the articles, for the thief ID pretty
sure to go at last where he will need
neither of them"
A sEAsoNABLEt theatrical programme
for hot night would be the following:
The performance will commence with
"Cool as cucumber a.ier which
"The sea of Ice," to conclude with
"Nothing to Wear" The orchestra
will occasionally introduce some fresh
air.
THEY say that the Wabash River is so
low that the fish are compelled to stand
on their heads to get water sufficient to
moisten their gills. The inhabitants
walk up and down the river bed and
pull fish as they do onions.
AN auctioneer writing letter of ad.
vice to young friend, closed up with
the following Information "The evil
that you do through life will come back
to plague you on the day of your death,
or If stormy, on the first day thereaf-
ter"
ACCORDING to the Danbury NeVS a
young man of that town has just made
the discovery that he married left
handed woman. All his buttons are
sewed on the wrong side. He manages
to get along as far as the rest of the gar
| ments are concerned, but when he dons
| clean shirt he has to lay down on his
back and lash his right hand to the bed.
post. He is afraid he will have to use
| shoe-strings.
A CINCINNATI youth, guided by the
advice of a fortuneteller, sought to
| make girl love him by means of elec.
i
| When the time came she sprang into
the air about three feet, and when she
came down she landed in her lovers
hair and took about two handfuls there
from, and then told him that she hated
him. No match.
ONE of the latest agricultural notions
in Massachusetts is planting whisky in
barrels. State constables dug up one of
the receptacles at Chicopee Falls the
other day, finding it buried two feet un.
der the ground. 1t was too bad to in
terfere with the experiment, but we
don't believe tho stuff would have
grown worth cent.
TIE Danbury (ConnectlcuD NeDs
says "a North street man went Off
Saturday noon for half day of fishing.
When he returned he had walked thir-
teen miles, lost a S45 watch, sprained
his thumb, spoiled a $1l pair of pants,by
sitting down on his luncheon, and
caught four-pound mud turtle. He
got back in time to help the doctor cut
several fish hooks he had left at
home"
AT one of the schools in Cornwall,
England, the inspectors asked the chill
dren if they could quote in reply any
\
having two wives. One ofthe children
sagely quoted in reply the text, mo
man can serve two masters"
AN unfortunate peddler fell into the
river at Chicago, and was rescued, bat
after walking some distance suddenly
lost his strength, and expired before aS-
sistance could be procured. An inteli
gent jury of American citizens inveSti-
gated the case, and astonished the Curu-
, ner with the verdict, Accidentally
q drowned
j SOMEBODY having appii J an eai.
\ tor for a method by which no migh'
@ cure his daughter of her partiality for
young gentlemen, is kindly informed
q that there are several methods of rc
:, form. One way is to skin the young
person another is to put her in a wei
and drop few loads of gravel on her
1 head; another is to tie her ankles to an
anvil and upset her out Of boat.
u A BEvY OF young ladies, while eros
s. ing Mill Creek, at Salem, CAL, by
moonlight, thought they observed /
gan pelting 1t with stones, when they
i were greatly astonished to hear tn,
aforesaid goose exclaim "Why cam
1t you let a fellow alone? amt bother
in you folks any"
Is A SHORT time since a ma in thi'
ID county was bitten Ivy dog, and as soo'
rs he recovered from the fright he de
cared that he would kill the amin II
W "But the dog isn't mad" said the own
er. Mad y shouted the victim, cXa4
peratingly 'what in thunder has h
x got to be mad about ?" He evident.
r. misconstrucd the explanation.
at JONES and Brown were talking lat,
he ly of a young Clergyman whose preach
Il. ing they had heard that day. "Wht
do you think OF him ?" asked Brown
an better two years ago" "Why, b
didn't preach them" said Brown.
ho "True VspId Jones. Hthat is what