The Bloomfield times. [volume] (New Bloomfield, Pa.) 1867-187?, 1872-03-12
II U M oRous ITEMS

quitos.
e5y- The difference between cook and
her lover is, one cooks the meat and the
other meets the cook.
az Why is it easier to be clergyman
than a physician?-Because it is easier to
preach than to practice.
EH- A coroner's jury in Minnesota re-
Gently declared man to have been severe
ly frozen to death
G#- A doctor was asked to dance the
"Lancers." He declined; but expressed
willingness to lance the dancers.
rd5" A hen-pecked husband, who had
married his wife because she was hand
some, declared that ga thing of beauty
was a jaw forever"
E5y- Mr.. Speckles says the best vegetable
pill yet invented is an apple dumping; for
destroying any gnawing in the stomach, it.
is pill which may always be relied on.
E5s" A drOver, who always sells his cattle
by live weight, always gives them as much
water as they will drink, before driving
them on the scales "That," he says sis
what understand by watering stock"
e5g@ Judge Jeffries, pointing with his
cane at u prisoner before him, observed,
There is II great rogue at the end of this
stick" The man replied, "At which end,
my lold?"
CIy- An old farmer in New Hampsher
recently killed a pig, and being asked how
much it weighed, replied that it did not
weigh as much us he expected, and he did
not expect it would.
e- A preacher out in Iowa, whose con-
gcgation took up a contribution for him in
small chlnge, remarked as lie pocketed the
gift, "Well let her pass this time; but re-
memember this widows mite business
is played out herep'
CI" Mamma" said year-old-Nel-
lie, "they sung 81 want to be an anger'
in Sunday school to day, and / sung with
them" "Why, Nellie r. exclaimed mann
ma, "could you keep time with the rest?''
80, yes, indeed; kept ahead Of them
most all the time"
eB- A cockney conducted two ladies TO
the observatory, to see the eclipse of the
moon. They were too late the eclipse was
over, and the ladies' were disappointed. OH
exclaimed our hero, "don't fret. know
the astronomer, very well; he is a very polite
man, and | am sure he will begin again"
tE- At wedding dinner near Mt. Car
mel, Whiieside county, H., recently, some
malicious cuss put crOtOn oil into the
custard. The bride and groom and twenty
or thirty relatives and friends partook of it
| freely, and the consequence was, people
were unusually active thereabouts all night.
CB- All I! girls amt what they used to he
when was young; and the fellows are
worse still. When went counting for in
stance, never thought of staying till after
ten o o'clock, and only twice week. Now
they 20 seven nights in the week, and cry
because their amt eight. Then they write
touching notes to each other through the
day: dear George:-Do you love me as
much as you did II quarter of twelve last
nightP Say you do, dearest, and it will
give me courage to go down and tackle
them cold beans left over from yesterday"
CB- Well, Mr.. Smith want to AK you
question"
"Propel it, dem"
"Why am grog shop like a counterfeit
dollar"
Well, Ginger gibs dat up"
"Does you glib it upP Kase You can't
pass it,"
"Yah yah, niger, you talk so much
about your counterfeit dollars just succeed
to defolm me why a counterfeit dollar is
like an apple pieP''
40, dlaps the subject, and don't know
notbn' shout it."
" Kase it isn't current"
tB- A gentleman of Newcastle, Ne.
desiring the service, of laboiing man,
started one morning recently TO go TO
rural district in the interior. On his way
he met highly respectable lady, not as
young as she once was, and making in
quiry of her finally asked the question
direct:
Can You tell mo where can find n
maDP'
"No," cannot" "she replied, for i
have been looking these last twenty years
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