Staunton spectator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1849-1896, 1872-06-18
Cousin Sally billiard.
BY HAMILTON G. JONES.

SCENE-A court of justice in South Caro-
lima.
A beardless disciple of Themis rises and thus
addresses the court: May it please your wor-
ship and you gentlemen Of the jury, since il
has been my fortune (good or bad [ will not
say, to exercise myself in legal disquisiton, it
has never befallen me to be obliged TO prosecute
SO direfully marked an assault A more wlltul,
violent and dangerous battery, and finally a
more diabolical breach of the peace, has seldom
happened in a civilized country, and dare say
it seldom has been your duty to pass upon one
so shocking to benevolent feelings, as this which
took place over at Captain Rice's in this coun-
ty but you will hear FROM the witnesses.
The witnesses being sworn, two or three were
examined and deposed One said that he heard
the noise but did not see the fight; another that
he saw the row, but did not know who struck
first, and another that he was very drunk and
couldnt say much about the skrimmage.
Lawyer Chops-I am sorry, gentlemen, to
have occupied your time with the stupidity OF
the witnesses examined 1t arises, gentlemen,
altogether from misapprehenslon on my part
Had known as do, that | had witness who
was acquainted with all the circumstances OF
the case, and who was able to make himself
clearly understood to the court and jury, l
should not have trespassed so long on your pa
tience. Come forward Mr.. Harris, and be
sworn.
So forward came the witness, fat, chuffy
old man, "leetle' corned, and took his oath
with an air.
Chops-Harris, we wish you to tell about. the
riot that happened the other day at Captain
R;ces and as a good deal of time has already
been wasted in circumlocution, we wish you to
he compenduous, at the same time as explicit
| as possible
Harris -Adzakly, (giving the lawyera know
ing wink at the same time clearing his throat,
| CAPTAIN Rice, he gin treat, and cousin Sally
| billiard she comes over to our house and axed
me if nv wife she moutn't go? l told cousin
| Sally billiard my wife was poorly, being as how
| she had touch of rheumatics in the hip, and
the big swamp was up in the road, there hav-
| ing been great deal OF rain lately. but how
wife She must go. Well cousin Sally billiard
then axed me if Nose he moutnt go :? | told
Cousin Sally billiard that be was the foreman
| of the crap, and the crap was smartly in the
| grass, but howsoeVer, as 1t was she, cousin
| Sally billiard, Nose he mout CO.
| Chops = In the name of common sense, Mr.
Harris. what do you mean by this rigmarole?
| Witness-Captain Rice, he gin treat, and
cousin Sally billiard, she came over to my house
and axed me if my wife she moutnt go? and
| told cousin Sally Dlllard-
Ghons-Stop. sir, if you please, we don't want
70 hear about your Sally billiard or your wife !;
tell us about the fight at Rice's.
Witness-Well, will sir, if you will let me.
Chop-Wel, sir, go on.
Witness-Well, sir, Captain Rice, he gin a
treat and cousin Sally Dillard, she came over to
nv house and axed me if my wife she moutnt
go. -.
stop. % :,
Won must not proceed in this importinent story.
Do you know anything about the matter before
the court?
Witness-To be sure do
Chops-Well, go on then, and tell it, and no
thing else.
Witness-W Well, Captain Rice, he gin a
treat,-
Chops-This is intolerable. May it please
the court, l move that the prisoner be commit