Staunton vindicator. [volume] (Staunton, Va.) 1860-1896, 1872-01-12
Hu1nOr.

She always elevateS the mlnu,
And aims at something great.
HumOr.
Not a miss-A pretty widow.
The only Ku.clucks-our old hen.
What was the first bet made? The alpha
bet.
The staple of Social Science, Congress
yarns.
The original dollar store-The United
States Treasury.
What sort of ascent is descent? A trip
up for it brings you down.
How the worst man can make home hap
py-keeping away from it.
Why is baby cutting its first 'Incisors'
like teapot? Because it is tea-thing.
Why is Mexico like globe? Because it
has revolution every twenty-four hours.
There are two things that man seldom
forgets--his first love and his first smoke.
Marry poor girl and she will 90 up with
him a rich one and she will 60 down with
you.
I am receiving my back rations,' as the
soldier said when he was fogged for steal
ing beef,
What is it that has three legs and cannot
walk, sixteen naus anu cann0s~~-ai~h "A
yard-stick.
An exchange asks, why is Grant like the
heather The answer is: Because he bows
down to stocks and stoneg
A query for mothers-Why is a scream
ing baby like the goddess of morning? Be-
cause it's roarer (Aurora.)
A Viucennes photographer advertised =
babies taken and finished in ten minutes 3
which is rough on the babies
Why cannot two slender persons ever be-
come great friends? Because they will al
ways be slight acquaintance.
A western editor speaks of contempora-
ry who is so dirty that every time he goes
up stairs there is rise in real estate.
A veteran merchant says that, although
his clerks are very talkative during the day,
they are always ready to shut up at night.
A man who has travelled through New
Jersey says he found some land there so
poor that you couldn't raise disturbance
on it,
It was saying of Guthrie: If you want
to keep dead man, put him in whiskey;
If you want to kill living man, put whis-
key into him.
A young lady who corresponds with sew
eral gentlemen friends, when demonstrated
with by her mother, said she only did it to
improve her handwriting.
A sour old bachelor, who ONCE had
thoughts of matrimony, said he changed bis
mind when he found that the girl and all
her people were against it!
MY dear boy said fond mother, new
er defer until tomorrow what you can do to-
day. Then mother replied the urchin. -
'let's eat the plum-pudding tonight
An old lady is collecting all the political
papers she can lay hands on. to make soap
If. She says they are 'disput site bet
ter than ashes-they are almost clear le'
A young lady writing on the subject of
kissing says:-I should quite as lief have
q good kiss as a new cashmere And we
would quite as lief-if not liefer-give it to {
her.
you look like death on pale horse, said
gentleman to a topper who was pale and |
emaciated. I don't know anything about
that said the topper, but I'm death on pale |
brandy
There is book with the dangerous title
Of Pocket Lawyer We shouldn't much
like book with this title, for we are afraid |
if we ever get the lawyer into our pocket, we
should never be able to get him out.
Mr. Field, in his lecture on ssCheerful.
ness describes a man sn shut in With dig.
nifty and exclusiveness that when you shake
hands with him you always feel as if you
were doing it through a kuot-hole
'Ah, Dick | have buried my father since
[ saw YOU Served him right said Dick.
What do you mean, sir !? was demanded.
Why said Dick. would it have been serv.
ing him right to leave him unburied?
An impetuous and romantic lover said to
his sweetheart: I am the oak and YOU the
vine. draw you With cords Of love-
Not So replied the blushing fair one: If
I'm the vine, prefer the ordinary twine.'
A Missouri horse thief was hung to a tel-
egraph pole while on his way to election,
and according to the Providence Herald,
that manner of polling voter is calcula.
ted to deaden ones interest in town poll
ties
Jones says that he first met his wife in
storm, took her 10 the first ball in storm,
popped the question in a storm, married her
in Storm lived his subsequent married
life in storm, and buried her in pleasant
weather.
A man arriving home at a late hour
little the worse for too mnch supper hatless
and coatlcss. was asked by his indignant
spouse. Where's your hat and coat p
Sent 'em. my dear, (hc) &c the Chicago
sufferers